Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1885-08-24

'Pat, have you any prairies in Ireland
like we have in Illinois?" ''To be sure
we have. Didn't yez iver hear of Tipe-
rary?"
He: Wont you go riding with me
this EVENING"" She: "Have you gentle
horse?" He: eyes, indeed. can drive
him with one hand" She: 'Ill 60"
"You have lived life of good deeds.
Why should you fear death?" Because"
says the dying alderman, "the morning
papers publish such villainous wood-cut
portraits of public men,"
A backwoods customer in shoe store,
on being asked what number he wore, re-
piled, "why, two, of course" and seemed
indignant with the storekeeper for asking
such foolish question"
The son of an emir had red hair, of
which he was ashamed and wished to
dye it; but his father said, s'Nay, my
son; better so live that all fathers shall
wish their sons had red hair"
A boy with a patch on his knee can't
be hired to go on an errand to the
next house, but he will follow band
| wagon all over town, and never realize
that he isn't dressed in broadcloth.
A boy found woman's switch in the
opera house and returned it to her. s'Thank
you, my little man," said the lady; ''you
| are an honest boy" "Oh, no, I'm not so
very honest; but 1 know what 1 am"
"What are you, then?" ga hair restorer."
''Father, did you ever have another
wife beside mother?" s''No, my boy;
tion?" because 1 saw in the old family
Bible where you married Ammo Domino
in 1886, and that isn't mother, for her
name was Sally Smith"
''Your daughter? Is it possible?
Why, you look more like twin sisters"
"No; assure you she is my only daugh-
ter" replied the pleased mother. And
the polite old gentleman spoiled it all by
remarking, swell, she certainly looks
old enough to be your sister,"
By falling from wagon Chinaman in
California, whose life was insured for a
large amount, was seriously hurt. There
was some doubt as to his ever getting
better; and at length one of his friends
wrote to the insurance company: "Char-
ley half dead; likee half money"
"Johnnie, did any one have the Group
in your house last night?" "Dun no..
What made you ask me?" "Well, saw
light in your house long after midnight. ="
"Oh, that's my sister. She has something
down in the parlor awful late every night,
but don't know whether it is the Group
or not"
A Scotch farmer determined, in spite
of the hard times, to pay his rent, if it
were his last shilling; and, saying to the
landlord who received it, "It is my last
shilling" he threw down roll of notes.
The landlord counted them, and said !:
"There is fifty pounds too much." s'Odds,
man." said the farmer, "Iput my hand on
the wrong pouch
| He stood on the post-office corner, and
everybody knew him as a newly-married
man. He had a far-away look in his eyes,
and a bit of yarn ON each Of the last two
fingers of his hand, and kept muttering to
himself, "chopping- bowl, eggs, clothes
line-that's the thumb and the first two
fingers. Now what did she want on the
other two fingers?"
s'There is great deal of religion in Ma
ture,'' solemnly remarked young clergy
man while calling upon lady of his con-
gregation the other evening. There is, %
was the quiet reply. eve should never
forget that there is a sermon in every
blade of grass" s'Quite true. We should
also remember that grass is cut very
short at this season of the year"
Two grammarians were wrangling the
other day, one contending that it was
only proper to say, "My wages is high, .
while the other noisily insisted that the
correct thing was ''My wages are high
Finally they stopped day-laborer, and
submitted the question to him. (which
do you say, Your wages is high or
your wages are high?' !" "Oh, off wild
yer nonsense he said, resuming his pick.
eyer nayther ov ye right. Me wages is
low bad luck to it,
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