Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-06-03


candelabra are formed of torches OF
Hymen. Cupids gambol in the angles
of the ceiling. and the tables are GOV
cred with books, all treating of the one
eternal subject, from the loves Of
angels to the love of plants. A bel
rings and soon the agent makes his APP
pearance, with innumerable apologies
for keeping hts visitor waiting. plead
ing the numerous affairs he has on hand
as his excuse.
The foregoing Is the prologue; now
commences the comedy. The agent
Well, sir. will you kindly explain the
object of your visitP Thus called upon
the visitor produces the letter he has
received and ut the same time hands
the visitor his card, saying: 81 had the
pleasure, as you will remember, OF
writing to you on the subject of the adj
vertisement in your matrimonial news
paper. When can l be presented to
the LADY," Excuse me, but you are
proceeding little too fast; allow me.
first of all, to ask you few questions:
Have you any professionp" mo"
"Any fortuneF' Nothing to speak
of; but l have great expectations.
|
dentsP" "You are at liberty to make
any inquiry you think requisite" And
so the conversation proceeds, kept up
by the agent solely with the object OF
measuring the precise degree of intelli-
gence which his visitor-soon to be his
victim-possesses, and to satisfy him
self what precautions 1t Is necessary
should be taken, so that he may not be
too much compromised in the event
of subsequent explosion. Suddenly
he rises and produces q book of photo
graphs; refers to the index and opens
the volume at a particular page, where
he points out the portrait OF n hand
some young lady, whose attractions he
highly extols. His visitor can not
resist admitting these eulogies to be
merited. A moment Of silence now en-
sues, during which the pair eye each
other. The conversation is renewed
by the agent, who says, with an air of
perfect frankness: There is no need
to 60 beating about the bush ; let us
como at once to the point. In the
event of everything being satisfactorily
arranged. my terms will be five per
cent. upon the dowry." THAT is fair
enough" Payable, mind, when you
receive It," 81 am perfectly agreea-
ble." And in truth it would be the
height of i'll breeding to refuse to pay
such slender commission, asked so
cOurteously by man who procures you
a fortune, Of which you stand so great
ly in need, and, rs he assures you; a
charming bride, who, though not an
object Of equal necessity, is still treas
ure in herself. The affair, is, there
fore. settled; but before proceeding
further, the agent requires to be in
surcd against the expenses for inquiries,
messages, postage, etc. which seems
reasonable enough. These expenses
vary according as the sutton is more or
less credulous and the dowry large or
small. In the present instance, the
the agent asks fifty dollars. "For an
other fifty dollar BILL" he adds, "you
may become subscriber to my estab-
lishmcnt for an entire year. which will
give you the run of il, and confer on
you the right of being presented to all
the eligible ladies have on my books.
within that period, until you succeed
in suiting yourself. The gull in the
present instance being as mercenary as
no is simple, pays the money, and re-
ceives in exchange memorandum,
upon stamped paper, setting forth
the conditions of the engagement, and
for registering for which he is charged
another five dollars. Our would be
Benedict now awaits with juvenile ar
dor the moment when the first inter.
view is to take place.
In a day or two he receives q letter
from the agent, making an appoint
ment to present him at No. - Eighth
avenue. 1t Is needless to say that he
dresses himself with scrupulous care
bestOws the entire morning, in fact,
upon his toilet, and calls to mind all
the more graceful compliments that he
has heard addressed to frances on the
stage. His part duly rehcarsed, he
hastens to the appointment before the
prescribed time, and Is ushered into the
The agent is awaiting
him and gives him few hints respect
ing the young lady's tastes; she is mu-
sicai. of course; is an cntomologist and
manages a thrce-wheel velocipcde very
gracefully, he is told. This will guide
him in his selection of subjects for con-
versation. The lady soon arrives, es-
cortcd by her aunt, and is found to
answer all tho expectations raised by
her portrait. She glances modestly at
her expected lord and master, displays
a pair of pretty feet peeping beneath a
coquettish petticoat as she gathers her
robe around her while seating herself,
convcrses charmingly, yet with becom-
ing difiidcnce. and, indeed, is altogether
The aunt, too, seems a
very nice sort of person, and not too
strict chaperonc. In due course the
interview comes to an end, and the
ladies prepare to take their departure,
when the dupe proposes to the agent
to escort them, but finds himself re-
straincd.-it would be indelicate at this
early period of their acquaintance, he
is told. This, however, Is not the true
reason; the fact Is. the ladies do not
leave the house, and 1t is important the
dupe should not know this. Niece and
aunt are hired at so much day, and
are clothed and boarded into the bar
gain. They have every description of
toilet necessary to their transformation
provided for them, and are of fair or
dark compilations, and quiet or coquet-
fish in their attire, according to the
tastes of different clients-thc
aunt, il should be mentioned, has
a suppostious ''dot' of her own,
sufficiently large to tempt the cupidity
of the unwary. The facility Of being
ono individual to-day and another to-
morrow Is not without its advantages,
in case the dupe should lodge any COM
plant, for he would fail to describe the
woman accurately, and the authorities
would feel themselves embarrassed at
the outset. Every time that niece and
aunt are to be presented to client the
servant in fine clothes sets the door
bell ringing with broom, whcrcupon
the agent announces to his visitor that
they have arrived. After the first in
tervicw he insinuatcs, mildly, that it
would advance the negotiation II they
xVa aalod IN accont Of m hvoat 60