Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-05-10
WIT AND hUMOR.
He saved, and he saved, and he saved.
Economical rood Mr.. husband;
And when he he'd got all he cravcd,

where men With their bills chase me round
rh.r:': snSSsSin thi. world. with each wor.
It's bsSi.:. M iss failures, ~. doctor. who KILL
Without an Icnyosaurus
TO come round and bore us
From morning to night with his fearful long
-Rockland Courier.
The elegant, titled Sir Thomas Haut Ton
/ Fell IN love with the only fair daughter
OF an oleomargarine maker, and won
That he never would have any but her.
Alasi he rcpented the pun at his ease.
They were we'd, and a. she had the dollars,
He must 70. .ya, ;miie shen addressed a. my Lard
When daughter came, even the Joke didn't
But they marked Margarine on her collars.
-Harper's BaSar.
A new book Is entitled How Made
Money at Home" We advise our read.
ers to have nothing to do with 1t. Three
men were arrested few days ago for
making money at home. NorristoDn
Herald.
II have neither time nor inclination
to pass paregorics on the deceased"
remarked Southern funeral orator.
"Panegyrics." corrected a person pres
ent. "As you please, SIR" remarked
the orator, stifi1y the words are anony-
NOUS"
Are you going to the party this
evening. Maudp" mo. I guess not;
I'm afraid that horrible Smith girl will
be there" ''Oh, no, she won't; she
said she wasn't going" "Why notp"
because she was afraid you would
be there"
In Virginia father may be hanged
II he consents to tho marriage of his
daughter when she is only II years old.
There Is many father who wishes he
had been hanged before he consented
to the marriage of his daughter when
she was 49, Louisville COurier-Jour.
nal.
Rich uncle on his death-bed to
nephew-I will make you my heir.
John. on one condition, and that is you
are never to marry. Nephew ac-
cep the condition, uncle. Rich Uncle
How will you be able to resist the
temptationp Nephew will move to
Boston.
"What cute little mustache John
has," remarked one girl to another.
''Slightly scattered, however" "Yes,
IT'S baseball mustache." whats
that-nine on sidep" "Of course not;
that's old" what is 1t, thenP"
"Why. three out all out. Merchant
Traveller.
The word "ranch' means a good
deal In the Far West. An Eastern
clergyman who is spending the winter
in Santa Barbara, Cal, writes of lit
tie boy years old in that lovely valley
who was overheard to pray that when
he died the Lord would take HIM to his
ranoh.-M Y. Ledger.
Civil Service Examiner Ito colored
applicant tor the situation Of letter car
rier)-"State the distance from Lon
don, England. to Calcutta, India via
the Suez Canal" Colored Applicant
"Say, boss, ef yo'se gwine ter put me
on dat route, you can disremOve my
applicashun often de book"
1t Is said that bees will never sting a
person whose head is smeared with
molasses. The bother OF it is, that
when man has incurred the animosi-
t. Of colony of bees he doesn't have
Iauch time to 60 home, get some mo-
lasses, and spread 1t on his epidermis.
The old-fashioned way is the best--iust
run.-Bnrlington Free Press.
When ! was at Washington I said to
the engineer of tho little building at
the foot Of the monument: "You have
. mighty tall chimney for such small
factory" He silently chalked mark
on the board wall behind him. whats
that forp" inquired. "You are the
10th person who made that remark"
was his answer.-Detroit Free Press.
Most people 60 up stairs in heath.
enish fashion, striking their soles
against the steps as harshly as possible.
wearing out their leather prematurely
and making disagreeable noise. Some
run up, taking two steps at time, and
others always fall two or three times.
Going up stairs should be one OF the
slowest and most deliberate acts of
mans life.
"Buckle my shoe, Egbert, DEAR"
said Chicago belle to her near-sight.
ed tiancee. Egbert went down on his
knee like true knight, but, as he had
lost his eye-glass, his vision was little
uncertain. ''Is this your foot, dar-
lingP" he inquired. '.You bet." she
said. "Aw, pawdon, IL thought 1t
was the lounge" Egbert is now dis.
engaged. -Teras Si1ings.
A New York physician reports case
Of wallpaper poisoning the persons
who slept in the papered room having
contracted ''catarrh, pharyngitis, mi
graine, conjunctivitics. muscular pains,
and swelling of the salivary glands"
1t must have made 'em sick; but they
are lucky that the wallpaper didn't
also give them ingrowing nails. bum
ions. and strabismus. = Norristown
Herald.
Father" said young son of Dea-
con Squibbs, "whatis the difference be-
tween a man that dies wooden lambs
and New York editorP" "Well now,
really, my son." beaming benignly on
his offspring; II am not prepared to
state. What Is the differencep'' why,
pa, one is lamb dyer, and the other o
:" "What! what! my son!' New
York editor" continued the youth
rolling his tongue around in his cheek.
Mrs. Langtry Is said to have intro
duced the song, go to Sleep, My Ba-
BY" In her performance OF Lady Tea
proved popular with London audiences,
so we may soon expect Romeo to war
BILE "Over the Garden Wall' to his Ju-
liet, and the Ghost of Hamlet's father
will close his remarks to his son with
the effective little ballad, "See That MY
Graves Kept Green"
The ancient Egyptians wero q pecu-
liar people. When q fire broke out
they cared for nothing but the safety Of
their cats and were terriblv afflicted