Daily Republican., 1885-01-01
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT.


" That man will hereafter be good
of mine" said the saloon.
keeper, as business. looking man went
tut OF a saloon as il he had pressing
engagement. Who is be % don't
know never saw him before. " What
makes you think he will come in here
,gain?" Because gave him a plug
Zed half-dollar in change. The first
time he tries to PASS 1t il will be reject.
3d. Then he will come back here to
,achange 1t for another one I'll beg
his par0on, say something about getting
stuck with them cDce in awhile when
here IL q rush Of business, ask him to
lake q drink, chat with him while he
n 'oks his elbow, tell him funny story
and he'll go away think ing I'm an
aw full nice fellow. After that, he'll
never go by without coming in. I've
nj sde half q dozen good customers with
hat half-dollar already. There's tricks
in all trades but ours" As he spoke,
he pulled open the money drawer and
took therefrom the bill the stranger
had given him. He looked att closely,
doubtfully, and then with undisguisen
disgust. "No, boys, I'm wrong. He'll
never bring that half-dollar back. Ths
bill 10 bogus!"
Mrs. Blank Here Is funny para
graph which ssys that married man
can DO distinguished by tho way in
which he carries An umbrella over his
wife, carefully shielding himself and
leaving her exposed to the drippings. I"
Mr.. Blank sit IL not true, though. !"
Mrs. Blank =" No 1t 10 net. You
never do 1t. You were . good d. al
more awkward at carry ing an uD brella
over me before wo were married than
you have been since" Mr.. Bank
" Alb |" Mrs. Blank "Yes; il had
several bonnets and t~o dresses I'd
by the drippings in those days. But
you have become ever 20 much more
careful-Oh, ever 90 much moro care
full I" Mr.. Blank "Yes, indeel.
have 20 pay for your things now"
A maker of tom bstones lately receiv.
cd Stone 70 place over the grave Of his
mother. and who finally pitched upon
one which the stone cutter had prepar-
cd for another person. al like this
one" said he. "But," said the other,
"shat belongs to another man, and has
Mrs. Perry's name cut on it.; 1t
uO yOuI AuOtnOks VI,
yes, 1t would" said tho country m an.
F" She couldn't read. And, besides, .
he contin u-d, ~ he observed tho won.
dsrment OF the stoEe-cufter, "Peri y
was alw avs a favorite name of hers -
And you say that yon ara innocen
Of tho charge OF stea ing n rooster frou,
Mr.. Jones' ." a.ked An Arkansas Judge
of u meek looking prisoner. Yes, sir,
am ibnocenL-a,a inLucent as a child. "
"You are confident that you did hot
steal the rooster from Mr..
Jones'? " Yes, sir, and can prove
II ?" "a can prove that didn't steal
Mr.. Jones' ROSTERS, judge, because
stole two hens from Mr.. Graston the
same night, aud Jones lives five miles
from Gta.ton's." THE proof ia con-
elusive" laid the judge. Discharge
the prisoner"
A man from Columbus, O., visited
New York. went to cburh, and seated
himself without hesitation In the near
est pew. Soon the owner came in, ey cd
the stranger critically, and then,
writing My pew" on the fly leaf Of q
prsyer.book handed the book IL the in
,rudcr. The Ouio man read the mes
sage, smiled a beautiful smile, and
urote underneath ;" Nice pew. Whal
did you pay for 1t ?"
After "A long droughs there came @
heA'y rain, duc'ng .hich one farmer
observed t. another " This Is a provi
dental raio. | hope IT. will bring uI
'veryth,ng eutof the ground. To thu
the other replied. with q q ubious shake
of the head can't ray rs l agree
with you there, neiR hbOr. I've buried
three wives in the ground, and ] should
hate bo see them all come mp
again
George, dear" said a swoet young
wife 10 her husband, I've had . talk
VITA the Servants this morning, and
have agreed 20 raise their wages. They
said everything was so dear now
rent was high, and meat and butter had
risen TO such = price-in fact, every.
hing. / thought this was reasonable,
because We 30 often heard yor com.
plain Of the same thing"
An adrertisement.-Ay young widow,
in erecting monument to the dear
departed, cleverly availed herself of
the opportunity W iuscribe upon the
'omb: "Sscred to the memory Of
B zuohet. who departed this
lite aged sixty eight years. regretting
The necessity OF par ling from the most
c charming and best OF women"
George, said a young lady TO heI
lover" Is your arm weak 2" mo, o.
coarse not, :" was Georges indignant re-
ply. Cor he wanted to be considered. an
athlete. " Well, Thought it u1ast be, :"
said the maiden, "for You don't hug
half as Lard AZ some other chaps !
know of :"
A Western co porteur was once con-
versing with an Illinois man on the re-
Iieiou duties. Said he: "Do you
attend church regularly ," ooh, no,
never go 70 church, but alters make it
a pint TO tend all the funerals. They
he Jest as solemn, and thar hisn't no
Reflections"
A httle boys grief upon being re-
fused permission to aLiend a neigh
boring circus, was in part assnaged by
the assurance from his mother that II
he would dry his tears he might go up
the str, ct in the afternoon and see his
father have tooth extracted.
What are YOU doing 2" asked y
boarding house man OF his chum, ~ he
caught him tiptoeip2 up and down the
stairs. "l'm going to get married next
month";" was the solemn reply, land
I'm practicing how 10 get in late at
night without raising a racket"
A boy wrote n composition on the
subject of tho Quakers, which he de-
scribed IA Il sect who never quarreled,
never got into a fight, never clawed
each other, and never jSwed back. The
production contained q postscript in
these words: pas a Quaker, but ma
isn't"
" Before marriage" she pOuted,
!" you used to sreak Of my beautiful