The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-05-29
BAGPIPES.
A Natural Interpretation Not Justified by
the Facts.

A Natural Interpretation Not Justified by
the Facts.
1t appears that it is all mistake to
assume that oatmeal is the cause Of the
national Scotch dyspepsia. The natur-
al Interpretation of the facts that the
Scotch eat oatmeal and suffer from dys-
peps1a is that oatmeal produces dyspep-
STA. When the Times expressed this
opinion it did so in perfect good faith,
but now that real Scotchman, who is
an expert in dyspepsia, not only denies
that oatmeal is indigestible, but ex-
! plains in perfect satisfactory way the
true cause of Scotch dyspepsia, it would
be dishonest not to proclaim the inno-
cence of oatmeal. Dyspepsia among
Scotchmen is the result of listening to
the bagpipes, and the moment this as
sertion is made its truth becomes almost
self-evident.
1t may be urged by ignorant persons
that the impression of a sound received
on the tympanum of the ear can not
affect the stomach. This is, of course,
entirely untrue. 1t is well-established
fact that certain songs will produce
nausea on the part of sensitive hearers.
Excursionists on their way to Rock
away by sea have often been made vio-
lently sick by bearing the steamers
band play ''Whoa, Emma" and
physician of this city has frequently
prescribed 'tDites lui'' as an emetic in
cases of poisoning.
1t is a well-attested fact that the bag
pipes, when heard by persons who are
not accustomed to them, give rise to
violent gripping pains in the stomach
which closely resemble the pains of
Asiatic cholera. During the Sepoy mu-
tiny the Scotch regiments more than
once placed large bodies of Sepoys hors
de combat by the use of the bagpipes
alone. Had not Havelock's little army
included a strong corps of pipers it
could never have made its way into
Lucknow through the vast besieging
force. Mr.. Whittier speaks of the pipes
at Lucknow as ''stinging all the plain
to life. " The Sepoys would hardly have
described in that way the effect of pipe
playing. AS matter OF fact, thousands
OF rebels, as soon as they heard the
bagpipes, clasped their hands to their
abdominal regions and rolled on the
plain in agony. Even those whose
stomachs withstood the sound imagined
that the Sepoy camp had suddenly been
smitten with cholera, and became so
demoralized that Havelock forced his
way through the midst of them almost
unmolested, and reached the residency
without other casualties than the death
OF two wounded Englishmen, who were
officially reported to have died with ioy
at seeing the relieving force, but who
were really too weak to withstand the
bagpipes.
Scottish children suffer severely from
the bagpipe collie, and no careful
mother will allow baby in arms to
hear the pipes. When the Scotch chill
dren reach the age of three or four
years they are gradually hardened to
the sound of the bagpipes, and though
at first they are fairly doubled up with
pain, they are able in time to
listen to ''The Wild McGregor Clan
CALI without betraying any signs of
uneasiness. The bagpipe collie is never
fatal except to infants and persons in
very weak condition, and Scotch
physicians occasionally prescribe
course of pipes to patients suffering
from obesity. Her Majesty the Queen
has tried this remedy with apparently
good results, though it is difficult to be-
Geve that its permanent effect upon her
health can be beneficial
No man, not even Scotchman. can
suffer for years from collie without hay-
ing his digestive organs impaired.
When young Scotchman has aceus-
toned his stomach to hear bagpipes
without pain it may be safely assumed
that his stomach is so weakened as to
be totally unfit to digest ordinary food.
In these circumstances it is possible that
oatmeal is web adapted to the abnor-
NAL state of his digestive organs. At
any rate, oatmeal can no longer be held
to be the cause of Scotch dyspepsia.
and there is good reason to believe that
Carlyle owed his dyspepsia to his early
exposure to bagpipes. N Y. Times.