The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-11-13
miscellaneous.
JOSH BILLINGS.


Josh's reason for using the phonetic sys
tenn of spelling was as follows:
| A man has as much rite tew spell a wore
as it is pronounced as he has to pronounce il
the way it amt spelt.
Practical philosophy was Joshs forte. In
| this respect he was inimitable. None of the
humorists of the present generation have
| done so much or conveyed so many weighty
matters in such popular form. There is q
| full measure, too, of sarcasm in his sayings
| Witness these:
Thare IL sum pholks in this world who
spend their whole lives hunting after right
eousness, and kant find emmy time tew prak
tissit.
| Whenever minister haz preached ser
mon that pleazes the whole congregashun he
probably haz preached one that the Lord
won't endorse.
| One ov the hardest things for emmy man
tew do IL tew fall on the ice when it IL wet
and then get up and praise the Lord
1t kosts good deal to be wise, but it don't
kost emmy to be happy.
Buty that don't make woman vain makes
her very butiful,
Advice il like kastor lie, easy enuf tew
Civ, but dredful uneasy tew take.
Living on hope il like living on wind, a
good way tew git phull, but poor way tew
git phatt.
If you want tew git at the circumference OF
a man, examine him among folks but if you
want tew git at his aktual diameter, meazure
him at hz tresde.
| don't care how much people talk if tina
will only say it in pheu words.
Men of genius are like eagles tina live ON
what tina kill while men of talents are like
crows; tina live on what has been killed for
them.
There is 2 things in this life for which we
are never fully prepared, that is twins.
CURE FOR LAZINESs.
Milking cow on the run and living on
the milk.
When man gets to goin' down hill every
thing seems greezed for the okashun.
Natural history is a strong point with
Josh. His "Essa on the Mewl," which first
brought him fame, is well remembered, and
has never been excelled.
THE UNIVERSAL SWINE.
The swine almost always) hav four legs,
tho thar IL sum remarkable excepshuns to
this rule Swine are good quiet boarders
they alwus eat what IL sot before them, and
don't ask emmy phoolish questions. The
swine kan be larnt great menny amusing
things, SIGH az highsting the front gate oph
from the hinges, and finding hole in the
fence to git into the cornfield, but it IL dred-
full hard work for them tew find the same
hole tew get out at, espeshily if yu are in a
hurry to hav them. This haz never bin fully
explained, but speaks vollums for the swine.
Swine can all root well; a swine that kant
root well IL q poor job.
THE MELoDIoUs CAT.
The cat hath been called domestic ami
mile, but never could tell wbyfore. All
thare IL domestic about a cat IL, you kant
loze one; they are az tuf to loze az bad
reputashun IL. Yu may send one out ov the
State done up neatly in meal bag, and the
next morning yu will find him along side ov
the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on.
They are az sollum az Moses, but az phull ov
the devil as Judas Iskariott, Esq. Thare il
only one thing about cat that like, and
that IL they are very reasonable; little
money, well put, will go crate way in cats
Cats are very plenty in this world just now.
l counted IS from mi boarding house windo,
one moon lite mite last summer, and it want
the best kind ov mite for cats neither
THE BRINEY COD.
The Goldfish IL the fruit ov the oshun
which accounts for their being so salt. They
are good eating for wet day. they are bet
ter than an umbrella to keep a man dry.
They want good deal ov freshning before
they are eaten, and want freshning a good
deal afterwards. II / can have plenty ov cod
fish for breakfast can generally manage tew
make the other tew meals out ov cold water.
THE DETACHABLE OYSTER.
Mi opinyun ov oysters on the half shell re-
mains unchanged. l konsider them better
vittles than ever Jupiter or hiz wife Juno
swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all
the best provishuns in their day. They are
called "bivalves" by unearned, but this IL a
vulgarsm. The true name liz good bye
valves" term ov affecshun applied tew
them when they waz fust swallowed whole
oph from the half shell.
THE INTERESTING FROG.
| The frog IL, in the fust case, tadpole, aul
boldly and tail, without cunning tew head.
| He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the
turnpike and liz accelerated bi the activity
| ov hiz tail, which wriggles with uncommon
| limberness and vivacty. B and bi, pretty
soon, before long, in few daze, hiz tail IL no
more, and legs begin to emerge from the
south end ov the animal, and from the north
end, at the same time, may be seen dispo-
sition tew head out. In this cautions way
the frog IL built. Frogs have 2 naturs,
ground and water, and are az free from sin az
an oyster. | never knu frog tew hurt emmy
boldly who paid his honest debts and took
the daily papers.
| FINE POINT IN NATURAL HISTORY
The length ov time that a goose kan stan
on one leg depends entirely upon the natitf
endurance Of the goose A good tuff goose,
| | should think, mite do it tor three weeks bi
shopping legs occasionally.
Moral philosophy, natural history and So
cial wisdom were all very WELL but as a
weather prophet Josh" takes tie lead
Even "Old Prob" would gather some hints