Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-05-31
WIT AND muMon.

shufied and dealt 90 carefui.ee
That at last was wanted by the grand jur'ee'
Chorus.
We shuSaed and dealt 90 cassf0lee
Paris Bacon.
| A lesson In physics: Teacher--W What
Is velocityp Pupil--velocity is what a
man puts hot plate down with
Fremdcnbldtt.
A nurseryman says that the best
kind Of dogwood Is tho red-howering.
| Our experience Is that a clothes-pole Is
the best, because II Is light enough to
handle easily, aud long enough to en-
able you to hit the dog at almost any
range.-Fuck.
"Tho only thing to mar the pleasure
Of tho OCCASION" wrote an Arizona cd
itor Of a funeral, "was little difficult
ty between the clergyman and one OF
the mourners concerning the owner
ship Of flask found In the carriage
they had occupied"
Tho Rov. Whangdoodle Baxter met
Jim Webster last Sunday. Webster
was intoxicated. "You should nebber
get drunk on Sunday. Jeomes," said
the cleric. II nebber hab no money
lef ober on Monday ter got DRINK on,
as don't take up tho collecshuns on
Sunday."--Teras Sytings.
The war In tho Soudan has raised the
price Of lions, and the unpleasantn
between England and Russia will put q
premium on bears. The lookout for
poor people Is growing blacker, but It
may afford them consolation 10 know
that . war between oil the European
nations would not increase the price Of
dogs. -Norristoton Herald.
"See here, your clerk has made o
mistake in putting up this prescription.
He has substituted arsenic for calbmel.
I've o good mind to report him 10 tho
public authorities. II wouldA't do
that" protested the druggist. "Don't
say anything about the matter and II
he makes such mistake again Ill re.
duce his salary. ."-New York World.
A description Of . new newspaper es-
tablishment says: "The first thing that
strikes the visitor upon entering the
editorial rooms is the large crystal
chandelier" II the visitor IL . poet,
and carries an lode to SPRING" 1t Is
safe to wager that the first thing that
strikes him Is not the crystal chande-
lier. Not unless all the editors are ab-
sent -Norristoson Herald.
The Supreme Court Of Pennsylvania
has decided that unless persons look
both ways in crossing railroad track
they cannot obtain damages for inju-
ries they may receive. This gives cross
eyed people decided advantage over
those who can see straight, and in some
measure mitigates the afiliction Of be-
ing cross-eyed. Life is full of compen-
sations. Boston Courier.
Baltimore is more like Troy than 1t is
like Albany. The Monumental City
has many pretty girls; ditto Troy. The
| young Baltimore man who employed q
servant to hold girl while he kissed
her had provocation. But nobody ever
heard of man abstracting kiss from
an Albany girl without her consent
Kissing in the town below is consider
ed an act of sacrifice on the part of the
man. Troy Press.
A company Of Good Templars was
marching down the street with bands
playing and banner on which was in
scribed 1--WE Bend the Knee, but Not
the Elbow" On the sidewalk was an
old soaker who read the inscription
with many hiccough, and added, 20.
yes, you bend the knee, but not the ell
bow. That comes of this beastly habit
of drinking out of the bung." And the
procession moved on.-Brooklyn Ea-
gle.
At q ball at Folkestone the other day,
q yeomanry warrior, well known in the
saddle, replied to his partners inquiry
Is to the hour. "Weally. my valet for
got to wind my watch last night" In
a few seconds after the young lady
closed her eyes. dropping. as it were. to
sleep you usws sbs sisys1 S.nss
girl. ''for my maid Of all work forgot
to close my eyes last night English
Paper.
What did the sparrow do yester-
dayp" asks the poetess. Well, dear,
we think he followed out his usual
scheme. which IL to-get up at 4 a. m.
hop around In the gutters--Quarrel
with his neighbors-dfg bait, not for
fishing, but for amusement-take O
bath In the puddle-quarrel the rest OF
the day-and retire at about 6 p. m. II
yon have any more curiosity as to what
he did you will have to apply some-
where else, a. this Is all the informa-
ton we can give you.-Boston Post.
"You are doing nicely. :" said the
doctor encouragingly 10 aa old darky
patient; Il will call again tomorrow,
and will leave you this prescription
now to save You from pain In tha in
terim." Then he went out. '.Da's or
'scription dat de doctah lef." said the
patient feebly to his wife, ''an' wan q
yo' ter go to de drug stU' an git 1t fill
ed. Tell de drug sto' man dat it's TO-
my interim, an be sho' an az him ef
ise ter take 1t eternally, or Jess rub II
on the outside, an ef SO wha'." IN Y.
Times.
A celo.ed gentleman appeared be-
fore the Civil-Service Examining Board
In this city the other day and wished to
be examined for position - letter.
carrier In the postal service. whats
your name, sirp" asked the examiner
SambO gave the examiner his name,
age. place Of residence. and his previous
occupation. "Now, Sambo," asked
tho examiner" "have you ever, studied
I geography" "Yes, sah!" said Sambo.
"Well. then. tell me how far It Is from
! Boston to Shanghsip" "'Fo' God,
sab. replied Sambo In amazement,
''you doan tend to put me on dat
route. docs yerr-Boston Post.
A man somewhere in Alabama call.
cd upon IN Episcopal rector and pro-
posed 70 Join bis church. The rector
proceeded 10 examine him, with view
to learning something of his religious