Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-03-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

brunette has come again. DIohueS
must Providence Net0s.
Professor Young has discovered some
new wrinkles on the face OF the planet
Venus. No doubt she is growing old.
Mr.. Tarwin did said, man was coined
der monkey out. Ofer dis vas der orig
inal of man, der monk vas ondidled to
hate my sympady.- Carl PretzeI.
A Tombstone, A. T., reporter said of
the troupe at the Opera House: ''Last
nights performance will be repeated
tonight, with an entire change of pro-
gramme. "
A Kentucky teacher writes to ask
whether it is 1.-The Duty of teacher to
whip pupil hard a Nuff to cut the
blud out or Mott. ''-Ne1O York Tele-
gram.
Instructor examining geometricaltig-
ures on the board)-'1 don't under
stand these constructions. -" Student
every well; I'll see you afterrecitation
and explain them to YOU"
In a cemetery in France one reads:
''Here lies Gabrielle, my adored wife.
She was an angel. Never shall be
consoled for her loss On the same
stone: ''Hcre lies Henrietta, my second
wife. She was also an angel. E"
Delmonico said: every few people
understand how to cook water" We
should think the best way would be to
boil it. Still some people may prefer
it roasted or fried It's purely a mat
mer of taste Philadelphia CALL
PA" asked the small boy, ''Why do
they call the first piece the organ plays
in church the 'voluntary?' :" because,
my son, replied the old gentleman,
''the organist runs his hands over the
keys, and the organ goes wherever it
pleases."
''Oh dear!" she sighed, as her hus-
band babe her good-by in the sleeping
car, ''this night travel is so tedious, and
the hours are so long" Don't be
discouraged y he said, ''you are on a
fast train and the night will slip by very
rapidly
1.-The smallest gnat could instruct
our best aeronauts, says a religious
writer If this is true why do our ablest
aeronauts, on going to bed in the mos
quito season, battle themselves in pen
nyroyal and coal-oil to keep off these
useful insectsP
A Southern exchange, noting the so=
ciety announcement that 1.-The correct
Young man this Winter will not be a
dude, but will be stately and intellect
ual looking" argues that newspaper
men are going more than usual into So
ciety this Winter.
Eulalia (sentimentally)- no! [
have no desire for great wealth |
should be happy, very happy, as the
wife Of a noble bread-Winner. George
(practicallD-And I should be happy,
very happy, as the husband Of a good
bread-maker. She concluded to learn.
When a stupid servant girl laid her
fapiacks on the chair and sat down on
the red-hOt stove, absent-mindedly, she
rose Immediately, without waiting to
be told. and her intellectual faculties
had evidently been quickened-it made
her as smart as z weasel ever after
ward.
You are very late sending your eve
ning mail out" said an editor to his
daughter. when he came home at 2 in
the morning and met timid shrinking
Young man between the front door and
Tic 4dLC. 4NOG III 81 Sbllo W CACt1 j1C
thoughtful GIRL, Charles Henry is now
a morning edition.
A muddy street always exposes the
man who is in love. The fellows with
untrammelled affections are apt to stop
at the crossings and look around bit,
but the man who is completely gone
with the tender passion passes right
along, even if there are a dozen girls
picking their way Pitts6urg
Chronicle,
Several schoolgirls were discussing
their future yocations. One of them
was going to be an artist, another a
poetess, etc. "And what are you 90
ing to be?" one of them asked q little
girl, who had not said anything. give
made mp my mind that I'll be rich
widow when l grow up, was the de.
mure reply.
If you call for beans OF hash, the wait.
er will sing out your order so that il
will cause every eye to center upon
you; and should you indulge in roast
Turkey and cranberry sauce, he will
walk up to the other end of the room
and give your order in a voice so small
that it can hardly be distinguished in
the kitchen, and nobody knows that
you are a swell for once, but he expects
his fee all the same
Bismarck's fayorite beverage beer
or wine-was lately the subject of 9
wager between two Prussians, who act.
ually applied to the Chancellor himself
to settle the bet. The Princes version
left them as wise as they were before
for his secretary replied: His High
ness directs me to inform you that yor
are both in the right, masmuch as he i;
equally fond of good wine and goot
beer, and, with the exception of hi:
sick days, partakes of one as well a:
! the other"
Not long since an economical real
estate owner wrote his own placard anc
displayed the legend ITO Wrent" OF
one of his buildings. Of course every
l.