Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-08-27
WIT AND HUNIOIs.


quired Judge Smith the other day Of
young member of the Rockingham On.
H. bar. who had just tried his first
divorce suit "Ycs, Your Honor, a
great dcal,' was the reply. "Ah! |
am glad to hear Of it. In what line is
your practice partcularlyp' "Well,
sir. particularly in economy" The
Judge called the next case.
1--WE encourage the interchange of
visits with the patrons of other re-
sorts, said the proprietor of leading
Summer hotel; when our people are
away for the day they pay for the din
ners they don't have, and when their
friends return the call they pay for the
dinners they do have, SO we gain both
ways"
A gentleman camn homcin the "wee
sma' hours ayont the twal," at the
South End recently, and was surprised
to find his wife clad in black. "Why
are you wearing these mourning gar
ments?" he said, somewhat unsteadily.
For my late huSband,' was the signi-
ticant reply. He has been in the house
at 10 ever sincc.- boston Budyt.
New York policemen are being in
structcd in poitcness and courtesy to
their prisoners. In future when they
club a man it will not be with vulgar
piece OF locust. but with Il French pol
lshcd rosewood baton, which will make
man who gets Il clip over the head
feel AS ii he was being pounded by an
earthquake pcrfumed with altar OF
roses.
A Persian philosopher, being asked
by what method he had acquired so
much knowledge, answered.: "By not
being prevented by shame from asking
questions when | was ignorant. Ac-
cordng to this notion, a 5-year-old boy
travelling in the cars with his mother
ought to acquire enough knowledge in
a journey of fifteen miles to split his
head wide open.
An exchange says that to get the full
favo- of butter, the bread upon which
it is spread should be inserted in the
mouth buttercd side down. The fact
that the buttered side up is the general
custom is an indication of general
and perhaps hereditary disincination
to get the full flavor of the butter. We
have known the flavor of butter to be
so full as to fairly stagger Spring.
fcH Union.
A funny illustration of superstition
occurred in the city last week. A negro
employed by grocer on Forsyth street
was bargaining with Maj Black for
hive of bees, and after settling about
the price he said: 81 pay you now,
boss, an den | gwine ter 90 an hire
Dick to come teal 'cm fus' chance he
git.' "Why do you want to take all
that trouble?' go, boss, ef | DON
teal 'cm dcy'll run away, and won't
do we'll at all.-AmericuS (Ga.) Record
| er.
Il remember" said Detroit boy to
his Sunday school teacher. you told
me always to stop and count fifty when
angry" Yes? Well, I'm glad to hear
| it. 1t cooled your anger, didn't itg"
You see, boy he came into our alley
and made faces at me and dared me to
| fight. | was going for him. He was
| biggcr'n me. and I'd have got pulver-
| lied, remembered what you said and
began to count "And you didn't
| tight?" "No, ma am. just as got
to forty two my big brother came along,
and the way he licked that boy would
'
| going to count fifty and then run.
| 1t is almost impossible to keep up
| with the times in these agonizing days.
The newest wrinkle in aesthetic circles
is for Young lady to artistically deco
rate miniature trunk, ostcnsibly for
collars and cuffs, with scenes from
noted Summer resorts and forward it
by messenger boy TO her best young
man. If the trunk ever gets there il
will signify, isn't it an appropriate
season for wedding trip" Ii the
bait is successful the young man stailol
gets an order for some new and very
nice clothes. HarUord Post
II am planning q drama Of the
Twentieth Century, murmured the
fair-eyed poet, rs he ran his otf-iingers
through his asparagusyan curls. "lhe
scene will be laid in Canada, and the
story will involve the passionate love
between an ardent patriot of that land
and an American girl who is "A young
thing and cannot leave her mother. A
happy solution is offered by the project
of annexation. 1t as put to vote; the
lovers rejoice by telegraph over the
early returns; but, alas! the solid vote
of the new cX-American bank Prcsi.
dent, cashier, and paying-tellcr citizens
bury the measure beyond hope OF re
demption Tragical tableaux to enC
: the play" And the poets auditor said
Great Scott!-M y. Iribune.
A touch of humor of an unpremedi
tatcd character enliyened a recent com
mcnccment A young woman, whit
,, was reading with fine effect her grad
uation essay, quoted from "lamlet
as follows:
Thrift, thrift, HoratIo; the funeral bak
beans
, | DID coldy furnish forth the marriage tables
, A a surprised smile which soon be
1 came laughter showed the amusemcn
A Of the audience the graduate looked VI
| in woudcrmcnt, and, not understand
0 ing the Interruption, calmly continue
her reading She apparently was nc
, aware that she had betrayed her Con
0 necticut descent by substituting fo
. "bak'd meats" the cultured and alway
o appreciated but hardly Shakspearea
: dish Of "bak' d beans
n Miss Louise Alcott was once with
$ party in the midst Of the miserics
Il scaslckness, when she gasped on
It They name ships Asia, and Scotia an
i Persia, Why don't they name on
/ E,nr,h,I,y lunnhnl