National Republican., 1885-10-31
n1LL NYE ON TIE EAnrn.

HUnsoN, Wis, Oct tS.-The earth Is that
body in the solar system which most Of my
readers now reside upon, and which some
Of them, regret TO say, mOdestly desire 10
own and CONTROL forgetting that the earth
is the Lords and the Gullness thereof Some
men do not care who owns the earth 50
long as they get the fullnoss.
The earth is b0O, coo, 600 years OF age, ac-
cording to Prof. Proctor, but she doesn't
look It to me. The Duke of Argyll main
tains that she Is but 10000 900 years old
last August, but what does an ordinary
duke know about these thiugs2 SO far
am concerned will put ProctOr's memory
against that OF any low-priced duke that
have ever seen.
Newton claimed that the earth would
gradually dry up and become porous, aud
that water would at last become curiosity.
Many believe this, and are rapidly propar-
ing their systems 10y rigid course Of treat
ment, SO that they can live for years with.
out the use Of water lntornnllr or extor-
nally.
Other scientists who have sat up nights TO
monkey with the solar system, and thereby
shattered their nervous systems, claim that
the earth is getting very top-hoavy at the
north pole, and that one Of these days, while
we are thinking of something else, The great
| weight Of accumulated fec, snow, and the
vast accumulation OF secondhand Arctic
relief expeditions, will Jerk the earth out Of
Its present position with so much sponta-
nicty, and In such an extremely forthwith
manner, that many people will be perma-
nently strnbismussed, and much bric-a-brac
| VIII be for sale at q great sacrifice. This
may or may not be true. | have not been
| up in the Arctic regions to investigate its
truth or falsity, though there seems TO be u
| growing sentiment throughout the country
| In favor of my going. A great many people
during the last year have written me and
| given me their consent.
| II could take about twenty good picked
men and go up there for the summer In
| stead Of bringing back twenty picked men
| i wouldn't mind the trip, and feel that we
really ought to have n larger colony on ice
In that region than we now have.
The earth Is composed of land and water.
| Some OF the water has large chunks OF fee
IN IL. The earth revolves around its own
axle once in twenty-four hou 8, though It
seems to revolve faster than that and TO
wobble good deal during the holidays.
| Nothing tlvkles the earth more than to con-
fuse man when he is coming home late at
| night, and then to rise up suddenly aud hit
him in the back with town lot. People
| who think there is no fun nor relaxation
among the heavenly bodies certainly have
not studied their habits. Even the moon is
humorist.
A friend Of mine who was returning late
al night from regular meeting Of the
Society for the Amelioration of the Hot
Scotch, said that the earth rose up suddenly
In front OF him and hit him with right OF
way, and as he was about to rise up again
he was stunned by a terrific blow between
the shoulder blades with an old land grant
that he thought had lapsed years ago
When he staggered TO his feet he found
that the moon, in order to add TO his confu
| had In If i'm, M
risen again behind him, with her thumb oi
her nose.
So say, without fear of successful con
tradction, that IL you do not think tha
planets and orbs and one thing and another
have fun on the quiet you arc grossly lg
norant of their habits.
The earth is about half way between Mer
curry and Saturn In the matter of density
Mercury is of about the specific gravity o
iron, while that of Saturn corresponds will
cork in the matter Of density and specific
gravity. The earth, of course, does no
compare with Mercury in the matter of so
lidity, yet It is amply firm for all practlca
purposes. negro who fell out OF tn
tower of the twelve-story building whil
ing quart OF alcohol and then breathing
hard on the glass, says that he regards tn
earth as perfectly solid and safe to do bust
ness on for years to come. He claims tina
those who maintain that the earth's crust
only $500 miles In thickness have not thol
oughly tested the matter by a system O
practical experiments.
The poles of the earth arc purely imag
mary. / hate to print this statement In
large paper In such way as to injure tn
reputation of great writer's on this subjec
who still cling to the theory that the cart
revolves upon large poles and that til
aurora borealis is but the reflection from
hot box at the north pole, but am here b
tell the truth, and If my readers think
disagreeable to read the truth what mus
my anguish be to have to tell ftp The meaI
diameter of the earth is 1916 English statut
miles, but the actual diameter from pole Il
pole is still meaner diameter, being 80
miles, while the equatorial diameter is Z,
025l miles.
The long and patient struggle of ou
earnest and tireless geoSraphers and sayant
In past years In order to obtain these figure
and have them exact few can fully realize
The long and thankless job of measuring
the diameter of the earth, no matter wha
the weather might be, away from home ant
friends, foot-sore and weary, still ploddin
on, fatigued, but determined to known til
mean diameter Of the earth, even II II tool
a leg, measuring on for thousands OF wear
miles, and getting farther and farther ava
from home and then forgetting, perhap:
how many thousand miles they had gone
and being compelled to go back and meas
ure 1t over again, while their noses got re
and their fingers were benumbed. These
fellow-citizens, are few of the sacrifice
that science has made on our behalf I'm orde
that we may not grow up In Ignorance
These are few OF the blessed privilege
which, along with life, liberty, and tn
pursuit Of happpiness are ours ours to al
ticipate, ours to participate, ours to preclI