The Cecil Whig., 1885-11-14

| ton for nobody cares whether you kill HIN
| or not. And then the diSsectors claim his
| vile body so he who was useless in life may
| thus become useful in death. The term
'old maid" is not an opprobrious one 1t
has become title of honor-like Christian
| and Methodist. Bill Arp says the girls are
in two great hurry TO get married. They
ought to stand off reserved, and look retn-
ed, and sweet, and precious, and put on
Jerusalem airs, and say, "Young man, you
don't know whom you are fooling with.
| weigh 100 pounds, and am worth 81 600 ii
pound" Early marriages are ruinous to
b rth mothers and children, and the worst
o it is, there isn't any law TO prevent il,
till we get some old maids in the legisla-
ture. For every day the girls are getting
married, and get married they will, till
women become like the cherubs of the old
masters, all wings and no body. A book
agent called in the other day. l asked him
if he wasn't an old bachelor; he said he
said he was. | before had my suspicious,
but then | knew he was fraud. OF what
use is he? Let me introduce you to the old
maid in another and more glorious field
as a schoo-teacher. If she is useless, then
schools are useless, which certainly cannot
be. l have been in my time under the tu-
torship of 80 instructors, (though you
never would suspect i) and under none
did learn as much comparatively as un-
der respected maiden lady who enger-
neered us down the pathway of knowledge,
holding the reins and sometimes-a club.
The old maid is in high favor among the
people at large. Every one admires, adores
and respects her. But that old rascal who
is known and proverbed all over town as
crusty, and plays solitaire, is an object of
pity and contempt. Old Mr.. Punch is a
mild mannere1 gentleman beside him
the very Gabriel of Gabriel Grubbs.
| asked very nice young lady the other
evening what the old bachelor was good
for? She replied: Good for nothing!''
Then | asked, "Of what use is the old
maid ?" That was the last fool question
asked that evening. She didn't seem to
have time to talk to fellow who was not
any better posted than that. l owe an
apology to this long g-sutfering audience. On
Saturday l receive postal from my col
league (who has just given you on account
of her literary labors and political tri-
umphs) stating that he was left in solitude
and wanted some one to help him out. The
next day was Sunday, but l considered it
my religious duty to stay home from church
"a great deprivation to me) and think of
old maids. Hence l have not had time to
do justice to the subject. Again | apologize,
if any one may feel hurt this evening.
Everything has been said in the kindest
spirit, AMI it is sincerely hoped that no
otfense will be taken where none is intend
ed. Finally, will i've an opinion which,
though from one person, is universal, and
there must be some reason for it. / would
advise all old maids to put their fingers in
their ears. There are none present; so here
goes After the last meeting, prominent
business man asked the subject for the
next debate. Upon being told he said, "Oh!
that isn't any subject at all; it is all one
sided. Everybody knows that the old bach
elor is not a damned bit of use'' II. b.