Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1885-02-13
CHAPTER III.
A VILLAINS BLOW.

CHAT Eli Ii.
A VILLAINS BLOW.
They tell me there are natures stern enough
to BE able to crush love out of their lives. All!
not such love as mine Time, they say, can
heal every wound. Not such wound as
mine My whole existence underwent
change when Philippa showed me the we'd
ding-ring ON her finger. No wonder it did.
Hope was eliminated from it. From that
moment I was changed man.
Life was no longer worth living. The
spur of ambition was blunted; the desire for
fame gone; the interest which I had hith-
erto felt in my profession vanished. All the
spring, the elasticity, seemed taken out of
my being. For months and months l did
my work in perfunctory manner. 1t gave
me no satisfaction that my practice grew
larger. | worked, but l cared nothing for
my work Success gave me no pleasure. An
increase to the number of my patients was
positively unwelcome to me. So long as I
made money enough to supply my daily
needs, what did it matter? OF what uss
was wealth to me? 1t coud not buy me the
one thing for which | craved. Of what use
was life? No wonder that such friends as l
had once possessed all but forsook me. My
mood at that time was none of the sweetest
/ wanted no friends. l was alone in the
world; I should be always alone.
So things went on for more than year. I
grew worse instead of better My gloom
deepened; my cynicism grew more con-
firmad my life became more and more
aimless.
These are not lovers rhapsodies. would
spare you them if I could; but it is necessary
that you should know the exact state of my
mind in order to understand my subsequent
conduct Even now it seems to me that I
am writing this description with my hearts
blood.
Not word came from Philippa. I made
no inquiries about her, took no steps to trace
her l dared not. Not for one moment did I
forget her, and through all those weary
months tried to think of her as happy and to
be enyied; yet, in spite OF myself, shud-
dered as l pictured her lot as it might
really be.
But all the while 1 knew that the day
would come when I should learn whether I
was to be thankful that my prayer had been
answered, or to be prepared to keep my
VOW.
In my misanthropical state of mind I
heard without the slightest feeling of joy or
elation that distant relative of mine, a
man from whom l expected nothing, had
died and left me the bulk of his large prop
erty. Icared nothing for this unexpected
wealth, except for the fact that it enabled
me to free myself from a round of toll in
which by now took not the slightest inter-
est. Had it but come two OF three years
before. Alas! all the things in this life come
too late.
Now that | was no longer forced to min
gle with men in order to gain the means of
living. l absolutely stunned my kind. The
wish of my youth, to travel in far countries,
no longer existed with me. I disposed of
my practice-or rather l simply handed it
over to the first conner. I left the town of
my adoption and bought a small house-it
was little more than a cottage-some five
miles away from the tiny town of Roding.
Here was utterly unknown, and could live
exactly as l chose; and for months it was
my choice to live almost like a hermit
Ny needs We're ministered to by man
who had been for some years in my en-
ployment He was handy, faithful fell
low; honest as the day, stolid as the Sphinx;
and, for some reason or other, so much at
tached to me that he was willing to perform
on my behalf the duties of housekeeping
which are usually relegated to female SER
wants.
Looking back upon that time of seclusion,
as medical man, wonder what would
eventually have been my fate if events had
not occurred which once more forced me
into the world of men? I firmly believe that
brooding in solitude over my grief would at
last have affected my brain; that sooner or
later must have developed symptoms of
melancholia. Professionally speaking, the
probabilities are l should have committed
suicide.
Even in the depth of my degradation I
must have known the dangers of the path
which I was treading; for after having
passed six dreary months in my lonely cot
tage, was trying to brace myself to seek a
change of scene. I shrank from leaving
my quiet abode; but every day formed
afresh the resolve to do SO.
Yet the days, each the same as its fore
runner, went by, and | was still there |
had books, of course. / read for days to-
gether; then | would throw the volumes
aside, and, with bitter smile, ask myself
to what end was l dire citing my studies.
The accumulation of knowledges Tush l
would give all the learning had acquired,
all that a lifetime Of research could acquire,
to hold Philippe for one brief moment to
my heart, and hear her say she loved me!
If in the whirl of men, in the midst of hard
work, found it impossible to conquer my
SO living as l at present lived?
There! my egotistical descriptions are al.
most over. Now you know why said that
you must sit by the fire and think with ME.
must enter. as it were, into nv inner self
uo,vre you can understand my mental state
Whether you sympathize with me or not
depends entirely on your own organization.
If you are so constructed that the love of
one woman, and one only, can pervade your
very being, fill your evory thought direct
your every action, make life to you bless
ing CT carse-if love comes to you in this
guise, you will be able to understand me.
That night, when first presented myself
to you, my wounds seemed less likely than
ever to heal; forgetfulnesS seemed further
and further away. Somehow as my thoughts
took the well-worn road to the past, every
event seemed recent as yesterday, every
scene vivid as if I had just left it. Hour
after hour I sat gazing at the glowing en-
bers, but seeing only Philippa's beloved
face. How had life Jared with hers Where
was she at this moment? The resolve to
quit my seclusion was made anew by me.
l would go into the world and find her-not
for any selfish motive. l would learn from
her own lips that she was happy. If unhappy,
she should have from me such comfort as
the love of true friend can give. Yes, I
would leave this wretched life tomorrow.
My cheek flushed as contrasted what I was
with what 1 ought to be. No man has a
right t. ruin his life or hide his talents for
the sake of woman
I had another inducement which urged
me to make change in my mode of life
an, ashamed that l have not spoken of it,
That morning l had received a letter from
my mother, I had not seen her for six
years. Just as I entered mans estate she
married for the second time. My stepfather
was an American, and with many tears my
mother left me for her new home. Some
months ago her husband died. l should
have gone to her. but she forbade me. She