The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-06-11
DOWN THE sCUTTLE.
Mr.. Jarphly Discovers a Plan by Which
to Deceive His Wife.

TO Deceive His Wife.
The thin man without q shirt-color
was evidently tickled. He plainly
evinced it, as men who feel tickled gen.
orally do, by sundry grunts, mods Of
the head, and sly chances, accompanied
by broad and knowing smiles.
"Wot is it, MIR. Jarphly?" asked the
cold tea man.
"Why, you see, Martha got in the
habit Of setting up for me at an early
age, and she can't break it OFF; so I
know just about the reception I'll
get every night when go home after
tea. couldn't persuade her to go to
bed and mind her own business, so /
studied on the matter. We live in one
OF the center houses of block of five
two-story and attic buildings. There's
scuttles in the roofs of all Of them, and
/ pursuaded Mr.. Greenup, who lives in
the adjoining house, to let me in his
house last night about o'clock, and 1
went up through his scuttle and over
to mine, and so down into our bedroom.
L could see Martha, from the head Of
the stairs, sitting in the front room eye
ing the clock with look that was q
very tart chrome. But / undressed
quietly got into bed, and there I lay
waiting developments. Every now and
then I'd hear Martha give short,
tidgety cough. Then I'd hear her get
up and prance around the room little
and by-and-by go to the front windows
and slam the shutters. Then l could
hear her talking to herself"
Praying for you, probably"
$50, reckon; and at last, after I'd
lain there about an hour, / heard her
get up and 60 stand out On the front
step for good five minutes. I'll bet 81
j know where the mop-handle was
then; but was so comfortable in bed,
like, didn't care to look it up. Then
she came in and slammed the door and
locked it, and commenced coming up
stairs. Every other step she'd say, 90,
the wretch Won't give it him
know where he is / know where he
is He needn't think to deceive me
o, the villainp Bout the time she had
nearly got to the landing / think she
must have seen the light streaming out
of the door that I'd left ajar. I could
hear her stop, and then 1 commenced
to snore, l was afraid to look, you
know; but could feel her cautiously
come up to the door and look in. Well,
sir, I'd given my pension from the war
of 1776 to have seen her about the time
she saw it was me. I'll bet it was fun.
But L was afraid to do anything but
snore. Then she came into the room.
and. by the way she breathed and stood
around, had to nearly bite my tongue
off to keep straight face on me, l
could feel that she sat down in a chair
and was dumbfounded. never let on,
but kept on snoring like thunder; but,
when she kicked over a chair, / turned
and pretended to wake mp, kind of
dazed like, and says:
Why, Martha, dear, amt you come
to bed yet?'
Jarphly,' said she, awful slow and
solemn like, when did you come IMP
"'Why, must be four or five hours
ago. Don't you remember when / told
you not to go to sleep again in the
rocker, but to come up to bed?' and I
turned over and professed to go to
sleep again.
"She never made any reply, but
acted in dazed, bewildered sort of way,
and when she got to bed could tell
she didn't sleep q wink for three hours.
Once she punched me in the ribs and
said, Jeremiah, where were you to-
night and says, why, 1 went over
to hear Mrs. Coldtabb's lecture on tenn
perance; let out about $50. Then I
went to Sleep
This morning it was fin to watch
Martha. / could hardly keep straight
face. AT the breakfast table, and all
the time / was about the house, she'd
eye me when she thought wasn't look
ing; then, when I'd notice her, she'd
turn away and he awfu1 busy at some
thing. She caught me kind of grinning
once, and, by George, I thought the
explosion was about to come. But ii
didn't, though the look of blank, un-
fashionable suspicion she wore on her
face all the time was the greatest show
on earth. 1t nearly broke me up, and
I've laughed till my ribs ache ever
since. know it won't last. I know
there's day of repenting a-coming,
and the thermometer is going up clear
out Of sight in the Jarphly family. But
who's going after trouble? It'll come
soon enough without hunting it, and
I'm going to enjoy that scuttle in the
roof until the explosion comes."-
Pittsburgh Chro1aicle-Telegraph.