Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1885-06-03
RaDid Chicago.
THE PITEOUS LAMENT OF A VISITOR FROM TIL
SLOW PARIS OF AMERICA.

THE PlTEOCS LAMENT OF VISITOR FROM THE
SLOW PARIS OF AMERICA.
In despair of overtaking Chicago, a Cincinnati
Enquirer man invents a new complaint against
her, and writes thus:
A days sojourn in this city by virtuous and
unsophisticated denizen of Cincinnati reveals
many strange features of the peculiarities of
the human race as represented by the people of
Chicago. 1t would probably be unkind to say
that the people of Chicago are all cranks, be
cause their peculiarities may be caused by
lot. If you go into a restaurant and ask for a
meal or q lunch the waiter will ask you If you
want it on the fly.
son the fiy?" you repeat. "What do you
mean by THAR"
''Will you sit down aud eat, or do you wish to
nave your order served while YOU are proceed
ing at q rapid gait through the Streets"
pie in that fashion here?'
trick You need not lose a moment in taking
your lunch. Wen tit you out in the best style
OF you the meal, of which. you can partake
while you rapidly walk in any direction"
NOT II Know myself You just give me a
chain the whole business to the floor SO that
can eat in peace. I'm no photograph shop on
Very good, sir. You're not resident of
Chicago, see?"
You can bet q hundred to one I amt, and
And, furthermore, don't want to be a resident
OF Chicago if that's the way fellow is expected
Desperation seized upon him when he tried
In vain to find out where street was, and
q scheme was determined upon in the hope
that they would come his way the next deal
street was found where n ditch about Is feet
deep had been dug, probably in search of a war
rumor with which to work the market. A stand
was taken alongside of the ditch, aud the first
man that came along was yanlSed into the
cavern by the writer, who proceeded to jump
on sop ol tne hIetm with both ee h before e
given below:
''Say-''
..Want to buy or Uninterrupted the Chicago
citizen. MAY, June, July, spot or anything
Buy nothing, colonel. want some infor-
Want pointer, eh %
,'Commission in advance. Twelve dollars and
q half; please
Thunder and Mars, man. you don't propose
10 charge me $3.50 for telling me where Ran
Business is business, young man. Come to
centre, and be quick about it. You owe me
SIS now
Nv hat for %
.'rime lost Settle"
by the time the chump from Cincinnati could
chmb out OF the ditch he was compelled to tele-
graph home for money.
The correspondent, desiring to get even, fixed
up q SC heme of his own, and here is how it was
worked. Accosting wealthy gentleman who
was found in a pocket formed by several differ
ent streams of people all trying to go in oppo-
site directions SO that the wealthy gent couldn t
get away, the writer said to him
You owe me SIG Pay me right now"
How do leone to owe you anything"
For time expended on your account"
SIN what way?"
I'm telling you that you owe me $50"
Nv ny, glad to meet you, sir. You must
be the original settler of Chicago
Finding n hickman who looked as though
he had made all the money he wanted for one
day, the jehuS confidence was sought. He
was told that the miserable wretch who re-
specially addressed him had just $500 left
ana would the hackman guarantee to take
MN TO any depot ON earth where a train
could be taken Immediately for any place in
the world out of Chicago, the understanding
being that the hickman was to take the $500
and to see that other Chicago Indian
scalped him between there and the railroad
station
ANY baggage mister?'
mo: had plenty of baggage when struck
this place, but haven't any now
Must have been in town all day." ruminated
the hackman, as he mounted the box with the
air of u man who had q charity fare