Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1885-07-24
OUR kALEIDOSCOPE


It's poor mule that doesn't work both
ways.
An exchange advertises for "a second
, hand mans velocipde." We suppose "a
Second hand man" is one who has been
married twice
A Kansas man has discovered new
kind of grain, cross between barley and
oats. The people of the State are on tip
toe with curiosity to see what sort of
liquor it will brew
Miss Frances T.. Willard thinks that
| there is no profession left for women but
practical philanthropy And yet Des
Moines, Iowa, woman has sued twenty
seven different persons for SANDER, and
expect to get 900 from each.
The McdtcdI journal says that nine
times out of ten slippers are the cause of
colds sore Threats, rheumatism and neu-
ralgia. TO say nothing of an aflliction
which prevents the small boys from sit
ting down to their meals.
Philadelphia policemen are to have
three days vacation this summer They
are debating whether to visit the Adiron-
dacks or take a trip through Europe.
A writer says that Caesar had short
legs. This is probably what made him
pause before crossing the RubicOn.
"Do poets ever commit suicide :" asked
Il correspondent We believe not. If
there is one in your town, the cheapest
way to get rid of him will be to pay him
50 to move out.
Walt Whitman says that he is sorry he
does not know how to smoke. SO are we.
writing poetry
Cream -colored pantaloons are the
latest novelty. They are very popular
with young men whose principal business
is going to picncs.
A Georgia dog chews gum. When tired
of chewing it will take the gum ont of its
mouth and stick it tightly on the top of its
nose with its foot, to keep from losing it.
This is what comes of being born in IA
town where every other female has taught
school at some time in her life.
\ correspondent wishes to know chow
to preserve the hair" Don't get mar
red.
, Governor Bum of Idaho has resigned
In this instance the new administration
takes the cake.
4 Western editor, who has lived next
door to the Indians for so long that he
; doesn't know which end his scalp is on,
, spells it "SiouXdan."
Florence Marryatt advises the girls to
"sit down on men," Thanks, Florence
= You have expressed the sentiments of the
bashful young man exactly.
Mr.. Huxley says that primrose is IA
| coroliforal dicotyledonous. 1t smells IL
. good deal sweeter by that name.
!, a California man announces that he
will either raise cabbage weighing an
| even hundred pounds or commit suicide.
The Western mans ideals are not as high
: as they might be- but he is bound to get
! thar or bust"
} With ladies "sweet sixteen" is all their
age.
So many politicians profess to have the
I, ear of the President" nowadays, that we
: are constrained to believe he must have
t an extra supply of that appendage.
: A critic says of a poets verse that it is
i always flowing" In editorial circles
this would hardly be considered com
pliment.
a 1t is said that there is nothing new UNI
f der the sun, but if a thiu-sknned girl will
examine the end of her nose, after having
been out in the sun all day at a picnic, she
will find something there which wasn't
t there when she started.
B. An Illinois man has petitoned a court to
change his name from Sheol to Shrady.
He says that his emotions, upon picking
up the first copy of the revised version,
can be imagined but not described,
~
: grumbles when his wife asks him to
trundle the baby carriage for "A couple of
=, blocks, say to Mr. Henry c. Simons, who
5 recently drew his possessions and young
f est child in a hand cart from New York to
e Emmon county, Dakota, to take up a
homestead he had purchased
e In Onion there is strength.-N. Y JoU'-
e ndl
e Cackling hens are of great value in
boarding house yards. They lead the
I boarder to believe his breakfast eggs are
freshly laid.-NcU orleans PicdYunc,
f A hungry tramp sold his alimentary
, canal to Bement farmer who wanted ii
= for a tile ditch, but it won't work i'll water
e and the farmer don't know what to dc
e with it.-NcrmuH Independent.
l Oil thrown upon standing water will
a prevent mosquitoes from Matching and
!. yet men who are insensible to the comfort
4 of their fellow beings will hoard up oil
just for the sake of making money out OF
5 the corner.-LOCCU citizen.
That's a pretty dress that Mrs Brown
. has on" remarked Mrs. Fogg; beautiful
color, isn't it ? 1t bears on a green 81
e don't know" replied FOgg, glancing al
: the dress which was unnecessarily low in
the neck, Il should say that it bares on
the shoulders. ''-BOStOH Transcript
n "Pa," said Johnny Caution, 'do law
a yers wear armor - mo of course not.
What put such an idea into your head -
"Why, see in the papers every day that
: lawyers file their suits and /" The read
1 err will appreciate the delcacy which inn
e pes us to change the conversation and
Il not go out into the woodshed with the rest
4 of the party.-PUtSbuTy Chronicle.
=, Three out of five hOuseholders of the
= better class keep IL shotgun or revolver III
: the house to kill burglars, and the weapon
); ninety times out of Il 100, is left unloaued