News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-07-30
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
FEW OF THE BEST JOKES AND
DASHES FOUND IN OUR EXCHANGES.
He Wanted n SituatiOn-Her Fathers Pot
The Bear and tho Wolf-The Water was
SaIty-A Lesson-It was Very Black-A
Progressive Game, Etc.
A SITUATION.

Appllcant-"Yes, SIR"
"What can you do2"
81 have no trade, but l am willing t,
do almost anything"
"What have you been doing lately7
"Working in dynamite factory"
Dangerous work, Supposed"
"Very dangerous; but l did not leav
it on that account, but because the worl
gave out. I'm not afraid of anything
"You amt, eh2 You amt afraid O
being pounded half to death, cuffed
kicked, execrated, knocked down, role,
In the mud, being made football of, o
anything of that kind2'
Certainly rot"
"AlI right; l will give you position
as baseball umpire"
SHE HAD FOUND HIM.
A pretty young mama, with q littl
girl by her side nearly as pretty as her
self, was being entertained by mall
stranger, who had struck up an acquaint
ance through the usual and always con
venient mediumship of the little girl. TIL,
stranger did all the talking. He wa.
one of those men who think they know
everything, but rarely get good chance
to tell it. The lady answered only in
monosyllables. The little girl listened
patiently and demurely for time, and
then began to fdget around in her seat.
Finally as the stranger stopped fol
breath, she said:
Mamma, you've found one amt
you 2"
''What my dear2"
"Why, don't you remember what you
told papa when he said you'd be lone
some on the cars2 You said you'd find
some bore to talk you to sleep"
Mamma looked out of the window and
the stranger suddenly thought he had
better go into the smoking car to
6nd his friends Chicago Herald.
LESSON
"Can any little boy or girl tell me
why the lions would not hurt Daniel2'
said gentleman, addressing a Sunday
school.
81 know" said one bright little fell
low, holding up his hand.
"And what was the reason, my little
MANI" said the speaker stepping for
ward, with his face in joyous glow.
HSpeak up loud, so that all may hear
you. Why wouldn't the lions bite
| Daniel2"
81 guess it was coz he b'longed to the
circus"
The sedateness of the occasion was
Interrupted Chicago Ledger.
VERY SALTY.
A very funny story has just leaked
out about the first surf bath of one of
the recent visitors to Sullivan's Island
from Columbia. After some persuasion
the gentleman from Columbia, who
ranks high among the military celebri-
ties of that town and is considered
''quite a catch" by the young ladies of
the capital, ventured into the glorious
| surf. Finally he got far enough out tc
| ''duck under" He went down with hi:
mouth open. He quickly came up, ex
claiming, with intense surprise and dis
! gust: ''Say, look-a-here, boys, the thing
salty l''- Charleston (S. o. Netos.
HAD THE BEST OF 1T.
A warrant was issued for Morris
Brown, a baker, in Chicago, charged
with deserting his wife for his house
keeper, a woman named Anna. Mrs.
Brown has recently been in hospital,
When she came out her husband and
Anna were living together.
"The day I found them" Historically
sobbed Mrs Brown, to Justice Foote,
''they had just quarrelled. He had two
black eyes and she had bottle of
whisky and a spring chicken on toast in
front of her. Oh, it was an awful sight. "
"She had much the best of it," re-
marked the Judge.-Chicago Telegraph.
RECOMMENDATION.
A colored man was hunting house to
move into. He was talking to some
parties, when one of them spoke up and
asked him if he had paid his rent to his
former landlord.
"Yas, sah," he said, rather hesitat-
ingly: -.oo,,,,,, ! ..,o,, .,
ooh, yas, sab, can git Mr.. Smith, my
landlord, to give me recommendation. "
"How do you know you can "
ooh, / know can, cause he wants me
to get out. ."-EuansoiUs Argus.
NOT MUCH OF A RECOMMENDATION.
In Western town citizen of the
name of William Shakespeare has been
appointed Postmaster.
Recently visitor asked one of the
leading citizens of the place if he were
acquainted with the works of Shakes
peare.
"AIl know about him is" replied
the resident, che has been working for
the Postmastership for sixteen years, an
he's got there at last. That's about all
the work l ever knew Bill to do. "
NJ Y. Sun.
A FATHERS MISTAKE.
Young Mr.. Featherly, guest, de-
clined cake, and Bobby's eyes grew big
with astonishment.
sDon't YOU want any cake7" he asked.
'eNo, Bobby" replied Featherly, 81
seldom eat it."
"How's that pa9" inquired Bobby,
turning to the gentleman; 'you said
that at the dinner table Mr.. Featherly
always takes the cake. ~. y. Sun.
THAT DREADFUL TIRED FEELING.
"Do you ever have a dreadful tired
feeling come over your asked patent
medicine manufacturer of friend, who
complained of not feeling WELL
ooh YES, often" replied the friend.
srYou should try a bottle of my cure
all How often do you experiences this
tired feeling9"
"Every time 1 see your advertisement
ON the fences. "-Neao York Times.
JUST LIKE MEN.
'That's the way every day." angrily,
exclaimed a man, as he boarded siX
o'clock Broadway horse car with hiS
wife.
"What's that?" she inquired.
''Why, the cars are always full abou1
going home time"
''Just like the men," replied sweetly,,
and he grabbed at strap, stepped on.
an old woman's toes and remained sil
lent.
VERY HAPPY.
"Then you think, Claribel, that youl
could be happy as my wife 9'' 'sOh, yes.
I'm sure of it" 'And you love me
truly 2" "No-o-o, but could be happy. y
.If you do not love me you surely would
not be happy" ooh. YES. I would y
"But how S3 "welI, 1 could i show oUub, that
Smith girl next door that could get
husband if liked" "And would that
make youhappy ~ "Yes. Boston Post.
VERY BLACK.
Little Bess, to gentleman caller-"You
amt black, are you, Mr.. M-2"
"Black, child3 Why, no, 1 should
hope not. What made you think
was 2"
ooh, nothin'; 'cept pa said you were
awful niggardly. ."-Bwlington Free
Press.