The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1885-04-11
An Essay by Bill Nye.
A Humorist Gives His Views on Butter
Making and Also Tells How he Once
Undertook to Milk Strange Cow.

Butter is the mature fruit of the full
blown COW. 1t is the greatest effort of
her life. The COW tolls not, neither
does she spin; yet l say unto you that
Solomon in all his glory could not beat
her on hand made, or rather milk maid
butter. This subtle joke l have repair
ed and newly upholstered for use during
the winter.
Butter comes from the COW in IL
quid state. 1t is quite trick to win
her confidence so that she will yield it
up to a total stranger. | once sought
to WOO the lacteal fluid from the milk
retort of large speckled COW to whom
l was a comparative stranger. She
wasn't one of those blooded COWS that
look as though they have been cut out ofa
sheet of paper with pair of scissors.
She was a low COW, with coarse in
stincts, born in obscurity.
Her brow was low, but she wore her
tail high, and she was haughty-O, so
naughty. The young man who had
hitherto acquired the milk from this
COW desired one evening to HE him
away to neighboring village, where he
might trip the light bombastic toe till
the wee slna' hours anent the twa.
Quotation from poet who was poor
speller.) He wanted me to milk his
large, speckled, plebeian COW: and l
said l would. The movement was
certainly ill-advised. l undertook to
do as l had agreed, but failed. From
the moment entered her stall and
made commonplace remark to her |
knew our acquaintance would not lead
to a warm attachment. Somehow |
felt constrained and uneasy in her So
ciety from the moment we met until
loving friends pulled me out through
the stable window and brought me back
to consciousness. l shall never under
take to milk strange COW again until
the sign is right. So far the sign has
not been right.
might be sent on Polar expedition
and get stranded on an iceberg, with
no other alternative but to milk a COW
or catch an old friend; but 1 should
hate to tackle the COW unless the friend
was very old friend indeed.
Butter is produced by expunging the
juice from rare and costly chemical
know as cream. Cream is the bead on
milk, Milk is known as dry and extra
dry. A good milkman will always ask
you whether you want your milk wet or
otherwise.
An old well-digger named Grady told
me about going over into Southern In
diana at one time to dig we'll for a
man named Withum. Withum was said
to be very close. He was the most
contiguous man in Indiana. His wife
used to skim the milk on one side, and
then turn it over and skim the bubbles
off. 1t was constant stuggle between
Withum and his wife to see which
would be the meaner.
The first day that Grady was there
they had a round ball of butter about
as big as lemon and as hard as Pha-
raoh's heart. The butter-knife had a
handle that would turn every time any
one tired to get lick at the butter,
and the little round ball would flop
over on the other side and smile. Now
and then hired man would reach over
with his own knife and make slash at
it, but the butter, confident of its own
strength, would tip over with a dull
thud, and the man would heave sigh
and give it up. Then another farm
hand would make wild dash at it, but
burst into tears and quit. Finally
Grady, who had watched this perform
ance several days, jabbed his fork
down through the middle of the yellow
chunk and successfully cut it in two.
In the centre was small, solid wooden
top. "There," says Grady, "I've found
out what the blamed thing is wound
on, anyhow"