The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1885-01-15
WIT AND HUMOR.
EXPECTANCY,

The editorial presence grim,
And lays upon the desk roll of gush.
The goddess editor of speech is slow,
But lightning-like in deed is he,
club he seizes, and with fiendish glee
FeIls, as sturdy woodman fells the tree
That blooming writer of Beautiful Snow
The Judge.
A bright, thoughtful boy one Summer day
Planted an acorn and went his way;
Both grew, as boys and acorns can.
I'LL one was tree, the other man,
Now mark The reward: Along comes the man
And the tree shelters him, as an oak tree can
But why stays he there in the moonlight dim?
He stole fine horse and was hung to limb?
New Orleans Times.
A mind-reader gave a seance to a
batch of dudes the other day, and threw
up the engagement in disgust because
he hadn't sufficient material to work on.
In breach of promise case at Strea-
tor, ILL.,, the fair plaintiff testified that
kissing always began at 9 in the eve
ming and lasted until 3 o'clock next
morning"
The Western Union Telegraph Com
pany has got the bulge on the messen-
ger boys in Washington. 1t obliges
them to ride bicycles, and they can't
go slow without falling off.-Burling-
ton Free Press.
How do you braid your hair so nice
ly?" queried a gentleman who was Wis
iting a lady friend. ''Oh," broke in
her enJante terrible sister, "she takes it
off and ties the knot to the gas chande-
lier, and fuses over two hours every
morning"
"Well," said George, Il must CO.
and then he said good night with the
Emma Abbott attachment thereunto
appertaining. IF you must, youmus
ed, replied Linda, ''look at my hair
and ruffie.'' And he rutfied.-Burling-
ton Hawkeye.
A fresh Chinese servant at Sacra-
mento was instructed in skimming the
cream off the milk, and did it well, but
no cream appeared for the morning
coffee. 1t was found that he carefully
SKINNED off the cream and threw it in
the slop bucket.
''Tll take it out of his hide" re-
marked Jim to Mildred, referring in a
towering passion to some injustice
done him by a schoolmate. Don't
take it out of his hide, JIM" replied
the high school girl, extract it from
his epidermis.
An Irish newspaper publishes
poem, the opening line of which is ''Do
ghlacfain tn gan ba gan punt, gan air.
eamb spreidh. We don't know when
we have seen more striking metaphor
more beautifully expressed. The au-
thor has the ''divine afflatus'' the worst
way.-N0rriSt0aO1a Herald.
I've said often that l would take
means to prevent young men from cc4n-
ing around my house," said a father
the other day, land I've done it. My
daughter is too young to think of mar
rage" ''What have you done?" asked
a neighbor; bought dog?" mo, I've
bought my daughter piano"
Women do not do much talking to
themselves outside. They do an awful
lot of thinking, though. | only recol-
lect one woman overheard soliloquizing,
and she was heard saying: Three
yards-no, that won't be enough"
Did you ever try to catch the conversa-
ton of two women as they pass? Well,
you needn't, it's never interesting.
There was large boiler of scalding
water over fire in the yard, and sew
eral black children playing near it.
Suddenly a shrill voice was heard from
inside the shanty: ''You, George Wash
ington, keep away from dat ar biler.
Directly you is gwine ter upset de biler
and scald yerself to def; and when you
is, you'll be de fust one to say, "Twasn't
me, nanny "-Teras Svtings.
An Irishman was once threatened
with dismissal by his employer on the
ground of stupidity and perfect inabil-
ity to learn anything. Pat protested he
had learned something in that service.
and. on being challenged to state it,
replied: "Shure, have learnt that
eighteen cwt. makes a ton, bedad."
He kept his place and got an increase
Of pay.
The old cynic sat on the back seat of
the dummy watching young couple
behind him who were very tender and
devoted. His hand was holding hers
and she was as happy as turkey that
finds itself alive when the market closes
Tor Thanksgiving. Happy, aren't
they? said his friend. Happy, yes. j.,
Stirring nature with a spoon
Il think, darling, that if your father
would help me along in the world we
would be supremacy happy. Kiss me,
pretty" cooingly remarked a Madison
street dude. The old man happened
by the door at this time, and, overhear-
ing the remark and the OSCILLATION,
stepped in and helped the young man
along. The old mans boots had just
been heavily half-soled. = Brooklyn
Times.
The particulars of the Freedom af-
fair have at length come to hand. 1t
seems that Freedom was skating round
the rink in company with Kosciusko on
the evening in question, when her foot
slipped in attempting the grapevine
roll, and she went over, carrying her
partner down on top of her. Free
dom skrieked when Kosciusko felll'
OF course; so would any other girl in
her place. Kosci must have weighed
215 pounds, without his skates, at that
time.
The celebrated Abernethy having
asked a candidate at his examination
what means he would use to promote
perspiration in a particular disease,
the student exhausted all the resources
OF his memory and imagination, and
still the pertinacious old man continued
to bore him with, "Well, sir, and if
that failed, then what would you do?"
The lad, driven to his wits end, at
length exclaimed: Then, sir, l would
send him to you to be examined; and
If that did not make him sweat, it is
my opinion his case would be hopeless"
A Crow who was bitterly complain
ing that winter had deprived him of
the opportunity of scratching for corn
was overheard by the Rat, who said:
but you must remember that it is only
after the farmer gets his corn in the
crib that | have any show at ALL"
Winter is my enemy" put in the
Hare, because it leaves my tracks in
the snow to be followed" ..And only
Tor that. added the Dog, I'm afraid
l should not taste of hare once year.
Moral-Dame Nature realized that she
couldn't satisfy everybody and she
didn't try to.-Detrou Free Press.