Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1885-10-01
WIT AND RUM0R.

: He is miss guided youth who does ev-
erything his sweetheart asks him to do.
The watermelon is admitted without ques-
ton into our best families, although II is al
ways very seedy.
There's nothing like sticking to thing
when you apply yourself to it, as the hy
said when ii slighted on the ay paper.
The reason woman is continually look
ing in the glass, is because she wants to SEQ
herself as others see her.
Don't do unnecessary work because your
grandmother did. There was not half so
much to be done in her day.
Nurse: Come, Willie, didn't you hear
you mother tell you to come right into the
house?" Willie: Stop 'niindin' me of it;
Fse twyin to fordet it."
fla young lady cannot FIRE young mans
affections any better than she can IRE atone
you can make sure she'll lose many pound
of caramels.
Love and burglars have some things in
common. They both laugh at lccksmiths,
and they both have good deal of Cupidity
about them.
Time changes all things" said lectur-
er, at which an auditor cried out: Ii that's
so, boss, I'd like to have it change this ere
ten dollar county BILL"
Can | see the Mayor inquired a men,
Der of the City Council of the formers SER
want. Not at present, he's at dinner"
" But my business is very important" "I
cannot help it, sir, his honor is At steak"
A little girl, aged three, asked her father
for more candy, but WAS told TO wait until
tomorrow. Looking out of the window for
few moments. she suddenly called out -
Papa, it looks like tomorrow now"
The man who registered vow that he
would never have his hair cut until Blaine
was elected President, is seriously thinking
about going West to bribe an Indian TO
scalp him.
An lrishman was taken 10 see cathedral
As he entered the magnificent building, be.
wildered by it, beauty, he turned to his com.
panon and said Phwy. Moike, it bates
the diyil" That's the ntintion, Pat"
At a negro wedding, when the minister
read the words love, honor and obey" the
groom interrupted him and said Read
that agin, sab read il wunce mo-, SOS de
lady kin ketch de full solemnity OF de mean
in Ise been married beio'."
Unconscious satire from "a precious pair
of little lips" Yes" said little miss yes
terday have been out all day with NAM
ma making calls declare il seems rs if
none Of the ladies we saw could talk about
anything but servants and canning fruit"
Trayeer-Why is the fare so much more
from Chicago TO New York than from New
York to Chicago? Ticket Agent-Ever
been TO Chicago? Traveer-No. Ticket
Agent-Well, you will find it is worth twice
as much TO get away as it is to go there.
"An English electrician asserts there Is
no case on record of a person having been
killed by lightning while asleep in bed"
This is valuable Whenever you hear il
thunder 90 to bed and fall asleep immedi-
ately This beats lightning rods for SIM
plicity.
Foreman" We printed this cut yester-
day as a murderer, and to day it's wife
beater." Editor" Both bad men-lct il
go in" "But it's partrait Of Chris Ma
guire, the well-known politician" "Oh,
the public don't know the difference"
/" But Chris. will" "Well If be kicks run
the cut in next week for An Eminent Di-
vine"
Customer lin grocery storel-You have
been established in business a long time,
understand, Mr.. Shortweight? Mr. Short
weight with PRIDE Yes, sir, have sold
groceries ON this corner for twenty.seyen
years. Customer lifting the cover Of the
cheese box aud quickly dropping itl-Not
longer than that?
Joe you remember Bob Fenton, don't
youT Yes. He's got truck patch in
New jersey" Well while watching his
melon patch the other night another fellow
ran away with his wife" /, that so?
How envy him." "The other fellow"
NO; Bob Fenion. I've mind to take 10
raising melons myself"
The cause of il. Dear, dear" said
kind hearted matron on meeting Il fiend
whom he had not seen Tor long time;
and you're not yet married, Jane, and
with your good looks, too" No, I'm not
married yet, replied Jane with a laugh.
And how comes it that you are single"
Well, " said Jane, with twinkle Of her
eye, expect it's because was born So"
Young Rector-Y go 10 the KiBdergsr-
ten, little girl! Little Girl-Yeth, thr.
Rector-There are many little boys and
girls at the kindergarten? l.. G.. Ycth.
thIr. Rector hope they are very good
and never say or do anything naughty? l..
G.-Well, tbir, JohDny Sharp did say that
Harry Brown wath d--n fool, but then
he it'll, you know
Tie Blood Would Run--For five years |
IA. =.