Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-03-08
THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
A Lecture on the Subject "Does Ma
ture Make MistakesP"
Tho Theme Ably Handled by Gem
tleman from Delaware-Man
"Mighty Slimsy Grain
of Sand.0
fDetrpit Free Press I

, detroit Free Pressl
The fact that Brother Gardner had on
: starched shirt and had oiled his hair, pre-
pared the members for the bit of news he an
nounced at the opening of the meeting:
'Gem'len, de char tooks pleasure in de-
nouncin' de fack dat de Hon. Edward Leary
Of Wilmington, stait of Delaware, am pres
ent in de aunty-room, an waitin' to ad
adress us. He arrove heah at a very lait
hour de odder night, an passed six hours in
de police stashun RAIDER den to wake any of
us up. He has fur two days past bin guest
at my house, an though mus say dat he
kin git away wild more provishuns dan any
three men who cher sot down at my table,
his mind pears to be richly stored wild first
class informashun He will be brought in
heah to address us on de subjick of Does Ma
tur' Make MistakesF De entire evenin' will
be tooken up wild de lectur' an its follerin'
results. De orator will now be brought in y
The reception committee was absent five
minutes and then appeared in company with
the victim, who appeared to be a man about
IS years of age. slightly lame in one leg, one
shoulder way down, and features erected
upon no fixed principles Of art. He was,
however, entirely at ease and as he mounted
the platform and heightened each suspender
u ilttll anu TeDONeu his collar,
Elder Toots realized that the stranger before
him was no subject for flies to light on. His
introduction was followed by a cheer which
| upset a barrel of molasses in the grocery be-
| low, and he started out with:
"Dis am one of de proudest moments of my
life. When l fust read Of dis club. six or
seben Vars ago, nebber dreamed dat de day
would come when should stan in dis grand
ole Roman hall an address you. l read of
great statesmen in your club wild liveliest in
terest, but de ideah dat / should ever stan
heah an look down upon deir bald heads an
double chins would hev seemed to me a cor
rugated impossibilty. [Penstock bobs up
but falls back again.l
Does natur' make mistakesl We think
she does. Indeed, we assert she does, an she
am slandered an abused on dat line of
reasonin,. Let us look into some of de ac-
cusashuns. Dar am de frog. Why should
he be built like fox, fur fast runnin', OF
like bird fur fyin'? His native heath ami
swamp or a muddle. He doan' keer TO
trabble aroun' de kentry, an as a bird he'd
be a dead failure. Why didn't natur' gin
him claws to scratch an teeth to bite! kas,
he am no fighter. He am on the run at de
fust sign of a row. His hind legs am pur-
vided wild set of springs which lift him of
log an drap him six feet away befo' blue
jay kin shout twice. [Sensation all over the
halll
Let US look at de fish Pussons have
wondered why he didn't hev ha'r on same as
a cat, an why he wasn't fixed to climb trees
like squirrel Natur' made no mistake
when she decided on scales to kiver his BODY
and keep de dampness out Dey doan tangls
up in de weeds an dey doan' pull out or bey
to be dyed. II fish could climb trees what |
good would it do fur man to spit on his |
baited hook an drap it into de riber an sot |
dar hull arternoon' De fish might all be /
out in de woods dat day. Evidences of deep
satisfaction in four corners
Did natur make mistake when she con-
structed de oysterf Some folks complain
kase he has no wishbone. an, kase dar am no
wings an legs to sarve up on de table. Ma
tur' intended de oyster fur people who can't
chaw der meat Instead of rupnin' aroun'
lie kentry he settles down whar' he kin be
iound when wanted. 1t am de same way
xid de clam. II he had de rovin' disposi-
'hun of de fox it would take six months to
yit up a clam-bake. Mods in the affirma-
ivel
I'VE hev SUMNER said the orator, as he
'ulled down his vest, in order dat water
nellyons may ripen, an we hev winter dat
possums may fatten up. We hev 1886
'hanges of weather in de course of a var. in
rider to accommodate all minds as fur as
'ossible We hev moonlight nights fur sich |
ussons as am behindhand in hoein' corn or
awin' wood, an we hev day an cloudy
lights fur de benefit of burglars, cats an gas
companies. Natur' didn't make de kentry
Ii mountains nor all prairie, kase she realized I
Il = /
e sile bin all sand we could have raised
ufiin but sweet taters. Had it bin all clay
'e should hev run largely to wheat. an
rowded de price down to 16 cents per busheI.
'e ocean was made salty so dat ,
Q corpses Of horses, cows, dogs and
ats dumped into it off Coney Island
ouldn't interfere wild de seaside hotel biz
ess. De lakes war made fresh in order dat
hicagc an Buffalo might once in a while
lange der drinks. Fack am, my hearers.
ian am mighty slimsy grain of sand when ,
,mpared to natur! While she has made t,
oerythin fur de bes' an in de bes' way, de ,
isest man on airth, had he bin giben de job {
maxim a yaller dog, would hev got de
re an hind legs all mixed up an left de ,
Ill off altogether.
Il will now cloze mike no charge fur =
y lecktur; but in case d, club should deem a
best to pass aroun' de hat shall offer no :
,Jeckshuns. thank you fur de distracted n
amer in which you has listened to my Co a
rent remarks, an trust dat a sheer OF Won \
Ill be turned from your evil ways into n
lths preponderatiL' with elevated inteu- !
ns"
The orator retired in good order, and Sir -,
aac Walpole passed the hat for his benefit 4
returned absolutely empty.