The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1885-11-01
THE LIME-KILN CLUB.
Brother Gardner Points Out the Vanity and
Uselessness of Theories.

Detroit Free Press.
"Am Kurnel Paradox johnson in de hall dis
eavenin!" blandly inquired Brother Gardner, as
the regular weekly meeting opened on the forty
seventh degree in due and regular shape.
The ''kurnel" arose. He there. Some
time ago he invented the theory that Canada
thistles could be cultivated to bear mustard
plasters, and his cOuntenance now betrayed the
fact that he expected to be patted on the back
and ordered TO take the stool of honor under the
bear traps.
''Kurnel Johnson will please step this way"
continued the president and the Kurnel al
vanced to the 'front.' bestowing look of three
ply contempt on the Hon. Erastus Furlong as he
passed him.
"Brudder Johnson" said the president, as the
victim stood before him with folded arms, II
want to spoke to you in de plainest English
language larn dat you hev invented theory2"
Eyes, sah."
sit has bin long time workin' up to CHM
AK, hasn't it?'
"Bout y'ar sah."
II thought so. 1t was bout var ago GatI
noticed you quit work an began to sot around on
de curbstone. You didn't cotch on to dis theory
widout hard struggle, did your
NO sab. 1t jist almoas upset my mind"
81 thought So [ remember when you gin up
DE curbstone fur saloon society. Later you
began to play craps an policy. Towards de last
agony of your struggle you began to shake dice
an buy lottery tickets on de money your wife
armed at the wash-tub. Inventin' a theory am
powerful hard work. Brudder Johnson"
Eyes, sab"
sit am so hard dat your wife an chil'en am
now Begin fur bread an ole clothes, while you
am in debt to everybody who'd trust YOU and
your landlord gwine to frow you out O de
house"
IL is sorry, sab, but couldn't help it,"
"Brudder Johnson said the president, in
voice which made Elder Toots SILVER like faded
burdock in a winter gale, 81 want to say to you,
an TO all other members Of dis club frew you dat
no cullud man In America has any bizness wild
a theory-an original theory. If white folks has
got time huff an money 'nuff to loaf around an
dskiver-in DER minds-dat de moon am
dat de MORT star contains race o people who
walk DER heads an feed themselves wild
DER toes, OATS all right De problem wild
de culled man am; fust, bread an butter; second,
mouse rent an raiment; third, sich eddicashun
as will enable him an his'n to write an receive
letters, keep posted on current events, fgger up
how much weeks wages comes to at 81 day,
realize dat the Atlantic am one side of us an
de Pacific de Odder an hev de sense to go to de
polls an vote fur honest, decent candidates, no
matter OiNwhat ticket deir' names appear
shan't fine you, an doan want to expel YOU
but you will retire to de ante room with Giyea-
dam Jones fur de space of ten minutes If you
hold to any pertickler theory arter he gets freu
wild you it will be sunthin you am PERFECTLY well
come to!"
When the 'Kurnel" returned to the hall after
the proceedings" he was changed man. One
coat tail was entirely missing. the other badly
battered, and his general appearance was that of
man who had met the tail-end of cyclone in
country where there was nothing to hang to.