davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18
A Satire on Eulogies.

"Gem1en, in one respek Brudder
Siawson was far to medium man. II
he horryed half a dollor to go to, de
oircfls he'd pay it back outer money dat
his wife armed at de washbo'd. De POO
neher turned away from his doah empty
handed. He pitied de sorrows,of a big
tramp and let his wife go barfutted an
his chin hungry. Hewas kind-hearted,
but allus behind on his pew rent: He
was philanthropic, but he hadlto, dodge
his butcher He was kind fadder, but
ke has got two of the wuste boys IN de
State of Ohio. He was a lovin' husband
but he was content to sit aroun'ae gro
Ieery an let his wife support de family.
While we may say dat we am sorry death
has come to sever ties an bringchanges,
we have no occashun ts,remark dat the
world will be any de wnss of, DE
troit Free Press.
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18
Marrying Titles

Notwithstanding our republican prin-
siples, there is among Americans a good
deal CT the snobbishness which makes
them bow low to lord. The fascina-
lion of a title is very great, no doubt,
and 1t has led many proud American
g1rl to life of sorrow and unhappiness.
Not all unions of English noblemen
with American ladies have been unhap-
Ply, by any means; but when the desire
is for money on one side, and for rank
on the other, the result may be predict
ed with unerring accuracy. A London
correspondent tells of several cases
where these conditions have brought
about the inevitable result.
1t isn't long since Lord Flyfinger
married the heiress of an American
Cresus. There was tremendous time
about it. She was envied by all her
friends, and old Cresus was congratula-
ted on the fine alliance. He grinned with
self-complacency and handed over
s., 500, 900 to his Lordship Flyfnger on
the spot.
Flyfnger took the wife and the
money and brought them to England,
where he introduced her to few ac-
quaintances, and then left her to shift
for herself, while he travels with relays
OF fast horses and bad women, races
and hunts, CANDLES and lives wild life
on the million and a. half of money, for
which he sold the shelter of his title to
bright, hopeful, ambitious American
girl.
Five or six years ago an American
girl whose name was on all lips mar
ried a rich Englishman who had the en-
tree of high society in England. She
was feasted, toasted, envied. But she
has slept in a social cocoon ever since,
heartily wishing herself home, not see
ing for months sometimes the husband
who loves to follow the hounds.
An American gentleman living here,
whose name would be recognized by the
reader if were at liberty to mention it,
told me yesterday, II have been ap-
preached within a month by an English
lord, whose fortune has become greatly
impaired by his dissipation. He has
fixed his eye on an American girl whom
he has never seen. She is comparative
~ uneducated, and not very bright and
fearfully plain. Her father is an Irish
man. But he is worth at least 500, ,OOO,-
900. This lord wants me to bring about
match between himself and this girl.
I shall not do it, for know what sac
rifice of her it would be-"
One other case: There is a young
lady now in good society in America,
her native land, whose husband is an
English lord and whose father -in-law is
duke. She is beautiful, accompli shed,
interesting, and she might have made a
good match in New York. But she
wanted lord, and she got him.
He inherited gambling from his moth
er, the duchess, and he CANDLES away
all he can get. He is dissolute, and
unscrupulous; she is neglected and
wretched. So she pays very long visits
to her relatives in America, where she
can plunge into society and forget her
pitiful European experiment.
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18
Mccullough and His Man 'Bob." !"

That is Bob Prichard, better known
as 'McCullough's Bob He is the gov
ernors' dresser and has been with
HIM for thirteen years. Bob has weak
ness for the ardent, and sometimes gets
little too much on board, when the.
governor will discharge him. But he is
always taken back, for he knows Mr..
McClllough's ways so well, is So
throughly familiar with his wardrobe
and is really such valuable dresser
that his occasional shortcomings are fors
given. An instance of his value was
shown last year,
"You remember Mr.. Mccullough.
played Ingomar' at the Boston theater to-
Mary Anderson's 'Parthenia.' Well, the
morning of the day on which the gov
ernor was to leave New York for the
Hub Bob turned up rather the worse
for wear; and the governor summarily
dismissed him; told him to go off and
never show his face again. Bob went
away and Immediately sought Billy
Conner, to whom he related his misfor-
tune. Tn fred for good now,' said he
with tears in his eyes, The governors
awful mad Bonner knew better, and
so he told Bob to go home and sleep
until afternoon and then come back and
see him.
'ln the meantime the governor had
started for Boston, without taking bit
of wardrobe, aud was in horrible stew
to know what he should do. Miss An
derson, who was on the train, suggested
that the next day they could get up
early and go to some costumer's in Bos-
ton, and get something that would do.
This didn't please Mac much, for he is
not an easy man to fit, you know, but
ne thought that was the best thing that
could be done. He reached Boston in
an unenviable frame of mind, and
put up at the Trenton House"
Where was Bob all this time?"
"Hold on and I'll tell you. Bob went
home and slept, and went to see Conner
, in the afternoon all right Conner told
him to get together everything the gov
e1nor' would want in 'Ingomar, and to
go to Boston on the night train, and go
to the governor at his hotel I'M the.
morning as though nothing had hap
pened. Bob did so, and when the gov
ernor' came down early the next morn
ing there was Bob sitting at the foot of
the stairs. Hello, Bob,' said Mr.. Nc
Cullough, have you got everything all
right for sIngomar?
eyes, sir replied he, 'just as you
told me, sir
''You ought to hear the governor
tell the story. when I saw Bob sitting
there that morning. says he, I felt that
I could have put my arms around him
and hugged the Scotch cuss. Nation
al Republican.
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18
Colonel sketchly's ostriches.

The lntest reports from the expert
mental ostrich farm in California are
favorable to the success of the enter.
prise. A recent visitor to the farm
writes:
"Thess immense birds are kept in
yards or Enclosures, one male and two
females occupying place together. A
common board fence, higher than the
ordinary, surrounds each corral, and
divides them. There is space or open
lane between the pens-a driveway for
teams and to carry food to the birds.
They eat wagon-load of shells in
one day, besides large amount of
coarse food, vegetables, alfalfa or
clover-grass, etc. The cost of each
is $1,000, and their weight is from
300 to 400 pounds. They lay seventy
five eggs each year, each egg valued at
800. Their feathers are plucked twice
a year; they are on the tail and wings.
of the bird, the body being nearly bare.
Each plucking averages $500. The eggs
weigh two and one-haf pounds. The
male is black, the tail and wing
feathers being white and the f.
male q grayish white. It requires
four strong men to hold one of these
pets while plucking their plumes. It
seems cruel process and no wonder
the birds resist so hard. They are saw
age and dangerous if attacked, and can
only be handled after sack or stocking
leg has been drawn over the head.
They drive them into corner, and slip
as quietly as possible behind them to
draw the covering rapidly on; some
feathers are pulled out easily, others
are cut, and one has to understand his
business to prevent the bird from bleed
ing to death. They can not fly OF
jump, but can pace with the feetest
horses. When the eggs are to be gath
cred, a Chinaman is called into the ar
ena. The ostrich seems to. have taken
fierce dislike to the smile of the
heather Chinee, and is so taken up with
his efforts to attack him that men slip
in unnoticed and take possession of the
eggs. The life Of an ostrich extends
beyond that Of human beings, and aver
ages 100 years. The plumes can be
purchased singly BY visitors, the price
depending upon the length and thick
ness Of them. They have to he after
ward cleaned and dyed. No dogs o,
horsea are allowed inside the inclosure
as the birds go wild at the night Of eth
q, The Chinamen carry their food 4
them. ],
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18
NJ LITTLE WIFE

She isn't very pretty,
$50 say her lady friends;
/ She's neither wise nor witty
With verbal odds and ends.
No feeting freaks of fashion
Across her fancy run;
She's never in passion
Except a tender one.
Her voice is low and coolng,
She listens more than speaks;
While others talk of doing,
The duty near she seeks
It may be but to burnish
The sideboard's scanty plate,
OR but with bread to furnish
The beggar at the gate.
So I, who see what graces
She sheds on low1y life,
To fashions fairest faces
Prefer my little wife.
And though at her with pity
The city danes may Bmile,
Who deem her hardly pretty
And sadly out Of style;
To me she seems creature
So musically sweet,
! would not change one feature
One curve from crown to feet;
And if could be never
Her lover and her mate,
think I'd be for ever
The beggar at the gate.
Henry Austin.
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18

sent up his card, and was given the
dynamite. As he left the house his
redheaded companion joined him and
both were arrested before they hao
turned the next corner. Their trial,
with the examination of Lady Jones
was one of the events of the season.
New Ulm weekly review., 1885-03-18


But her ladyship was no better than
an ordinary person before the law. The
custom house officers were inexorable;
and in spite of her protests, all
her small parcels and those of her party
were taken into the search room and
laid out on the counter. With an inn
perious wave of the hand an official or
dered her to follow them. To make
matters worse, the quiet Englishman to
whom she had been so rude in the train,
was standing there in the doorway,
talking to two other men, and laughing,
as she thought at her distress.
For the moment. her two American
friends were nowhere to be seen.
I never heard 81 such a thing!" she
said Indignantly to Milicent, as the Of
ficious searchers turned everything out
OF her goldmounted dressing case, and
then proceeded to unrou the rugs.
"What do they take us for? 2"
Everybody is treated alike, dear
Lady Jones. suppose they are afraid
OF fenians, or dynamite or something. /"
1T is preposterous, disgraceful! Sir
John shall write to the papers-I beg
your pardon.
This was to an official, who had said
to her twice, "What is this?"
a small parcel done up in strong,
brown paper, securely tied and sealed.
4 haven't the least idea. Something
OF my maids or Millicont Is this young
lady here, really cannot say -
But while she chatted on with unac.
customed garrrlit the custom house
,Ioi!tcez alreaf the attriings. IN,
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
GOOD LUCK.

Mrs. Yerger, of Austin having
been absent for several days, return
ed to her home. She was met at
the gate by her colored servant,
Matilda Snowfall.
+" Has anything happened while I
was gone 7" asked Mrs. Yerger.
ode Lor', should say sumfin
happened. We came mighty nigh
havin de biggest kind OF q fire,v re-
Piled Matilda, rolling her eyes
around.
Where %
ain your bedroom. You orter be
mighty glad ! was dar when de fire
started. Ef bit warn't for me bein'
dar de hull house would hab been
burned down befoah now.n
$50 you put out the fire %
"Yes, mum, | drapped de lamp,
and hit cotched dc curtain, but as
luck would hab it, | was dar. Ef |
hadn't been dar when / drapped de
lamp, whopce dar's no tellin' what
inout hab happened.D-Teras SIT.
mas.
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03

A little miss of three gears, who
lives under the shadows OF Hope
Church, was playing with the neigh
boris children one morning, when
the latter we're called in for prayers.
She accompanied them, and, when
seated in the sittiDg-room, she oh.
served that she was the Only one with.
out a book. So she jumped down
and helped herself from the book
case in the room, returned to her
chair and opened her book like the
others, and endeavoresl to read I'm.
questioned. After reading she shut
her book and waited till they had
all kneeled, then she assumed like
position, putting her hand to her
face, but keeping lookout between
the fingers all the while, to observe
what was taking place. When the
Others rose from their knees, she
ran over to one OF the little girls,
and calling her by her name, said
/" ! like this game first rate. What
is the name of it ~
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
THE BoDY's TOLERANCE.

Sometimes slight blow on the
head has resulted in death, or, what
is worse, in the permanent loss OF
reason. A mere scratch on the
hand, or a silver in the foot, or a
grain Of dust lodging in the eye, or
the tiniest fish-bone entering the
wind-pipe, has proved fatal. Such
facts may lead us to accept the
poets statement. "The spiders
most attenuated thread is cord, is
cable, to mans hold on life." But
there is another class of facts quite
as surprising that are different from
these.
An iron bar has been driven
through the brain, with considera-
BILE, loss of brain substance, and yet no
permanent harm has come to body
or to mind. The fact is, while a
mere prick in particular part of
the brain 1.-THE medulla oblongata)
may cause death, the great bulk of
the brain is exceedingly tolerant of
many forms of injury.
Even the heart is much more toll
Grant than is generally thought.
The physician may thrust his fine
instrument through it with safety.
An insane woman sought to kill
herself by piercing it with hairpin,
but wholly failed of her purpose, al
though the pin interfered with the
natural movements of the heart.
A woman swallowed IA paper of
pins. The pins traveIsed various
organs and tissues of the body, and
yet she recovered from the local in
flammatiom.
A boy was brought to the hospital
insensible, and nearly dead from
asphyxia want of breath.) The
doctor having run a catheter down
the windpipe, piece of chestnut
was coughed up. The next day there
was evidence that another piece was
lodged in another Of the bronchial
tubes. 1t was impossible to dis
lodge it. There followed all the
symptoms of acute consumption
(phthisis): high temperature, sweat
ing, emaciation, copious expectora-
ton of offensive matter, and a large
cavity. Yet the boy in three months
returned home convalescent, and
six months later the cavity had dis
appeared.-Yonth's Companion.
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03

show up. ] got the agent to wire
up the line to see it there was any
specials or wild engines in the way,
but the answer was that the line was
clear. The passengers got out, and
begin to talk and ask questions, and
as for me, was stamped. ] thought
OF runaway locomotives and train.
wreckers and tramps. Everything
was quiet around the bend, SO tar
as could see and hear.
While standing on the station
platform l happened to glance West
ward across clearing; there was
the headlight shining through the
expresses, as serene and steady as
you please. 1t was the planet Ven
IT'S. Welt if any man had Of
fered fifteen cents for me, he could
have had me just as I stood. l got
away from there in hurry, and /
didn't allow the passengers to dis
cover what was the matter. Lor'!
fit had got around that had laid
over to let the evening star 60 by,
I'd never have heard the last Of it.n
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
"GUIT UP, SQUIRE"

Elder Hopkins was the pastor of
a rural congregation, and a hard
shell Baptist, who hit straight from
the shoulder, and generally succeed
ed in knocking out the sins of the
people. Two of his deacons were
the pillars OF the church, whom
shall call Uncle Benny Jones and
Squire Brown. Of Squire Brown
it may be said that he pretended
to good deal OF piety that he did
not possess, while Uncle Ben was
inclined to bibulosity and often at
tended church under the s'infiuence,"
owing to the fact that the time
elapsing between Saturday night
and Sunday morning was too short
to sober up.
One Sunday morning Elder Hop
kins concluded to wind up his SER
mon with a pointed allusion to the
besetting sins of his two deacons.
In solemnly impressive voice he
said:
s'There are certain sins to which
desire to refer particularly this bless
ed morning. Take the sin of intern
perance and drunkenness, for In.
stance. Rum has slain more than
war, famine and pestilence. Where
is the drunkard 7"
Instantly, with a tremendous eff.
fort, Uncle Benny Jones assumed
the perpendicular, somewhat curved
after the style OF an Interrogation
point, and exclaimed:
"Here ! am, (hic) old boss (hic)
Here am, (hic) a listenin' to you p
The sudden and unexpected re-
Spouse brought down the house, but
in no way disconnected Elder Hop
kins, who, after the laughter had
subsidized, proceeded:
Brethren, while / have animad
verified severely upon the sin oil
drunkenness, there is still greater
sin and that is the sin of hypocrisy
Where is the hypocrite ~
No one responded, and Uncle
Ben reached over into the next pew
where Squire Brown sat, and gently
shaking him up said in loud and
earnest voice:
SECT up, Squire; (hic) git up.
got up when he called mel
The congregation dismissed itsell
without waiting for the benedic
ton.
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
A WHITE LIGHT DEAD AHEAD.

A railroad engineer, recounting
his experiences, said that he had
thus far escaped smashups, but that
he thought he was "in for it" one
night. Said he: at was a clear
Autumn evening, and l was running
a passenger train in Virginia. We
were little behind time, and l was
whooping the old machine along at
a good pace. There was strip of
cypress forest to go through, and
the road, on clearing it, took a sharp
turn to Westward. just as we made
that turn my liver came right up be.
tween my teeth, for there, coming
straight down the track, was anoth-
er engine, with her headlight fam
ing in my eyes. l blew down
brakes aud had my engine re-
yersed before I'd draw half a breath,
and sent the train back on dead
run to a switch station about mile
behind us. / got it on siding, and
waited for the train, that / supposed
to be just on top Of US, but she didn't
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
POETRY.
7-1~--~--o7~~~-o-~~v
" ONE AT A TIM"

One step at Q time, and that we'll placed,
We reach the grandest height
One stroke at time, earth g hidden stores
Will slowly come to light;
One seed at q time, and the forest grows
One drop at time, and the river flows
Into the boundless sea.
One word at time, and the greatest book
Is written and is read
One stone at a time, a palace rears
Aloft its stately head
One blow at time, and the trees cleft
through,
And city will stand where the forest
grew
A few short years before.
One foe at time, and he subdued,
And the conflict will be won
One grain at time. and the sand of life
VIII slowly all be run
One minute, another, the hours fly
One day at a time, and our lives speed by
Into Eternity.
One grain of knowledge, and that we'll
stored
Another, and more on them
And as time rolls on, your mind will
shine
With many a garnered gem
OF thought and wisdom. And time will
tell.
" One thing at time, and that done
well, y
Is wisdom's proverb rule.
Golden Dog.
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
NO. 3.
Kicking icows--cure Them |

Cows will kick-some of them
and heifers with their first calves,
are expert at it. An unhandled,
sungentled" COW, takes as naturally
to kicking, as Leghorn hens do to
scratching. The calf shonld be
placed on the cows left side, and
encouraged to suck, but whether 1t
does so or not, let the mixer at
once begin to milk. Saving the
milk is of no Importance. so, if the
heifer is nervous, keep the pail away,
and milk on the ground. If she
kicks, soothe her, and begin again.
Do not let her think her kicking has
any effect. A rail may be placed so
that kicking may be disagreeable
performance, and sometimes COW
may be placed close to rail fence,
which defends the mixer from the
blows Of a really vicious kicker, and
the milking still go on. The COW
will ordinarily yield to circumstances,
and stand still after a while; at
least, the pressure Of the milk in the
udder, which may cause inflamma'
ton, can thus be relieved. III the
COW continues nervous, and will not
be pacified, the thing to do is, tn tie
or strap her legs. This may be done
with light rope like a BEDFORD. 1t
is passed once around the left leg
below the hook, tied by "half.
hitch' (half knott, then twisted n
few times, and another hitch turned
in it, and finally passed around the
right leg, and tied in Il bow knot,
so that it can be quickly united. A
COW so tied can not kick, but she is
almost sure to take short steps back.
ward, and when she gets to the end
of her tie-strap, or back as far as
she can go in the stanchions, her
hind legs may be strained far back,
and az her position is a very un-
steady one, she may fall down. To
prevent this, rope may be passed
twice around the tie,rope, carried
fOrward,and fastened to the Manager.
This will prevent the backing, and
the COW will probably soon give up,
and stand quietly.-Amcrican Agri-
culturist for October.
Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-10-03
THE OLD LEADERS MUST GO.

The Daily Courier, published at
Evansville, and the second largest
democratic paper 10 Indiana, edited
b. the Hon. j. G. Shanklin, ex-sec.
rotary Of State, and one of the most
prominent Of the younger democrats
of the State, is ont with a leading
editorial advocating the retirement
of Hendricks, Voorhees, and McDon-
aid from the leadership of Indiana
democracy. Beginning with the de-
claration that the minority is not
favorable to the development of
great qualities of leadership" it
sketches the careers Of the three
democratic State leaders, and con.
cludes as follows:
"The disadvantages under which
the democratic party of indiana is
laboring today lies in the fact that
the three recognized leaders were all
born into political life with silver
spoons IN their mouths. They know
nothing of the hard, unceasing ef-
fort Though which the leader OF the
majority wins his honors, aud, alas,
it is too late for them to lay aside the
luxurious purple and fine linen for
the shield and buckler. When the
flood gates of victory were opened
they were not able to beat back the
scum that had risen to the surface,
and are to day hopelessly explain
ing how it happened, unable to see
as others do that it was through
their own inefficiency. Hendricks
alone has shown the qualities that,
were he younger man, might make
him successful leader of the ma
jority. Voorhees, and Mcdonald
have dallied with the rabble and
have been captured. The former is
secure in his seat for six years, and
is SO far fortunate. The latter asks
fresh proofs of devotion at the hands
Of his party. 1t is too much. The
disenthralled democracy, breathing
a new atmosphere, revived and tri-
umphant. locking forward with bet.
ter aspirations, must have new lead.
ers il it would realize its true des-
tiny.n