Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1885-05-11

When girl talks about the two strings
to her beau, does she mean his suspend
ers?
No man can enlist in the regular army
of China until he has shown his courage
by having tooth pulled. If he yells he is
dismissed.
A Milwaukee editor committed suicide
because he was in debt. It is such an un-
usal thing for an editor to be in debt that
he could not stand it.
'Is land high in Vermont?' asked a
spectator Of an old Green Mountain farm
er. 81 should think it u.s." was the reply;
'sif the trees wer'n't so stunted, the clouds
couldn't get by at ALL
One of our sections, in making his re-
port of burials, is explicit to commend
able degree. For instance, such entries
as this occur: "Died, John Smith; male;
aged three days; unmarried"
A piece of glass an inch long was taken
from the head of a Rochester man recent
ly, in whose skull it had been embedded
for twenty years. He had complained
occasionally of pane in his head.
"Johnny," said the editor to his hope
full, care you in the first class at school?"
''No," replied the youngster, who had
studied the paternal sheet, 81 am regis
tered as second class male matter"
ssHave you heard Miss Simpson sing
since she returned from Europe?" "Sev-
eral times ''Do you think she has i'm
proved?" every mnch.' s'In what par
licular?" 'She doesn't sing as much as
she used to-
No one is ever killed by lightning when
asleep in bed, according to the assertion
Of an English electrician. Whenever you
hear clap of thunder always go to bed
and fall asleep Immediately. This is a
sure precaution.
If the world is indeed worse than it was
some centuries ago, we suspect it may be
accounted for by the fact that in those
times man didn't have to wear suspend
ers without buttons to match, or use
matches for buttons.
'sDon't you think that you have good
mamma, to spread such nice, large slices
of bread and jam for your" said an old
lady to little boy who was enjoying his
tea. eyes," was the reply, "but she
would be still better if she let me spread
on the jam myself"
"Jimmy, my child" the fond mother
exclaimed, ''don't eat so much of that
lobster salad. You'll be ill tonight, dear;
/ know you will ''Well, ma," said
James, as he helped himself to another
plateful, 'if 1 am you'll know what's the
matter with me, anyhow"
eyer Honor, will you excuse me from
serving?" 'sWhy should I excuse your"
asked Judge Garry. sI have good ex-
cuse, yer Honor Estate your excuse"
said the Judge, cor take your seat among
the jurymen." 81 has the itch, yer Hon.
or" s'Scratch him off, Mr. Clerk" said
the Judge.
Edmund Yates is lying in Jail, but the
circulation of his paper is increasing by
the thousand, "Hold on, dad," said the
boy, when the bull terrier seized the old
man by the broadest portion of his anato-
my, shold on. Grin and bear it. 1t may
hurt little, but it will be the making of
the pup
"Yseult Dudley"' called the court.
s'Jesuit Dudley ~ shouted the clerk. ere
suit Dudley!" yelled the tipstaff. 'sYazoo
Dudley!" cried the gatekeeper. 'Insult
Dudley!" howled the deputy. "Assault
Dudley" shr1eked the prison matron,
and a soft voice was heard saying: "Did
any one call Yirselt Dudley?"
Sis there harmony in your church,"
| asked the presiding elder. ''There is,
| there is,'' replied Deacon Ramsgate, "per-
| feet. harmony; we have dismissed the
pastor, discharged the organist, compell-
ed the choir to resign, discharged the
| sexton and expelled about one-half the
members, and white-winged peace now
broods softly within the walls of this
branch of earthly Zion. Harmony? 1 be-
lieve the very angels envy u.s."