Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-06-25
NET ORLEANS AS MR.. GUMP saw IT

W.
.,r..,t., for tho MORNING NEWS, after the
same northern correspondents ,oho,
a %'',. ,b9nt Netc orleans and the Exposition.
"'' IN mon imagination rather than upon
b 'sI-r,,joa for stateria5 for their letters.l
,rso scene OF the tragedy am about to
49,. was New Orleans; time, early part
,,ril. and the chief actor, much to my
NV was myself. was an unsophisti-
otod Northerner, who, in early youth,
Sod contributed spring poems to the local
.nor on arriving ut maturity, though
.obowed this deIeterious practice, still
,barA remained in my composition some
- mat dreamy careessness and
,.,stiup. uususpIcious confidence that
shoracterizes the spring poet. Armed
Nth the b0ldness of ignorance l was
anout TO venture fearlessly into the fiery
south when a few wary friends took it
mon themselves to warn me against the
lr,netllous warmth of the Southern heart.
rbev told me on no account to mention
mat INV father had fought with Grant, or
MIGHT awake to find myself at the bot
iorn 9f the Mississippi, doomed TO an early
and watery grave by hot secessionist
hands: not TO venture to explore the
mysterious depths of the black
eyes of any creole maiden,
az her brothers, cousins and uncles
.gould Immediately send me challenge
and order my tombstone, and never, on
anv account to criticise my landlady's
biscuits, or fastdiOnsly suggest that |
woiiId prefer them without flies or unsea-
soned with hairs, or l would be found
next morning with my throat cut from
oar to ear, a CHASTITY cOrpse-so quick are
Southerners to take Otfense. | ''made
note" as the immortal Cutie would eX-
nress 1t, on these and many similar adj
mentions bestowed upon me by cOnsid-
ate friends, and mentally resolved, though
would do the exposition thor
oughly, to preserve my life at all
risks. Accordingly l put in my
trunk a burglar alarm, a life preserVer,
a b0nceman's whistle. rifle, a gun, a
pistol and knife, and took passage for
he Crescent City and the land of perpet-
nal sunshine. | was met at the denOt by
nv friend Smith, who had promised to Sc
cure me lodgings at his boarding house.
AFTER the usual preliminaries of greeting
he Informed me that he had encountered
great lficulty in adhering TO his bargain,
but had succeeded in keeping me place
in his own room. ''There are only seven
of us in there now" said he,
"but eight more are expected this
evening "SevenP | yelled, ''you don't
mean to say people here put seven beds
in one rOOm~ Don't be fool, John; of
course not" said he. S'rhere are only
.N0 beds. got here among the first so
got place in the bed along with some
others; the rest, for the most part, lie
around loose. The exposition has created
corner in the board business; ] was try
ing to save you place on the rug, but
that fool Jones took it. Said be would
give you the dentists chair instead, as he
found it rather hard on his back. He threw
in pillow to make the bargain even, so |
suppose it is all right. The only other
place | know of is on Napoleon avenue
You can get room there rather cheap.
They deduct little on account of a whole
family having died there OF yellow fever
last year. 1t is a little way from
Esplanade street where | am, but still
near enough for me to keep my eye on
you. We can go there if you prefer" l..
preferred, and afterwards when / learned
the distance l thought Smith must have
avery long eye indeed.
The car we hailed being full, we had to
stand. In getting in l accidentally walk
ed on fat lady's foot. l think she had
buniOns, for shortly after, when the car
gave a lurch, she took occasion to poke
me in the small of my back with the
sharp end of her parasol, thereby Great
ing q bruise which remains to this dav.
After this l caught hold OF what appear
ed to be the hand strap to steady myself,
but an unaccountable ringing resOunded
through the car, which stopped dead still,
aud after waiting in vain for passengers
either to get on or OFF the driver cast his
eye around and lighted upon me, whose
hand rested cOniidlngly on the bell
rope. In language the reverse of
courteous he told me either to catch on
the right rope or quit the car. / did the
former, and after using up all the curse
words he knew the brute started the car
again. / looked to Smith for sympathy,
but his face was like q brick Wall-verV
red, and hard with suppressed feeling.
lie gaZed at me without a token
Of recognition, and after looking
at him a few moments l became
convinced that he had never seen me
before. ! took out my note book, and
was about to write down some scathing
remarks regarding New Orleans car
rivers when ] found my pencil unsharp-
sned Inremedying this trouble a splinter
got INTO the eye Of little girl
near, who set up such seuseless
yelling that the people IN the car
were greatly annoyed. | leaned over TO
see If we were near our destination, and
dropped my pencil on the head of a
young lady. In trying to extricate 1t
deity and rapidly, without embarrass-
ment TO either party, to nv horror | ex-
treated her bangs also. When she saw
What had happened she gave a piercing
shrek, and threw Der Overskirt over her
head. All eyes were now turned upon
me. The young lady's mother, who sat
near, received the bangs, and also my
sismmered apology, but the ferociOus
southern CLEAN in her eye was such
That moved up two places.
had just begun to feel
comfortable again when we turned into a
street, or rather a gutter for il was one
seething mass Of mud, cabbage leaves,
turnip tops, dead goats, putretied cats,
ETC., and such a smell assalled my olfac-
tories that l clapped my handkerchief be-
lore my nose and was about TO halloo TO
smith to lend me his, as mine wasn't
mick enough, when ! was knocked
speechless and well-nigh senseless. into
me nearestlap. which, as luck would have
u, was that Of the lady with the parasol. |
made three Intellectual efforts to rise, but
each time the OdOr felled me afresh.
Al last strong armed passenger pulled
me up, observing that / must be drunk.
tod him l was not, that It all came from
being a stranger In the place and unused
10 New Orleans street Od0rs. He said
llere might be something IN that, and
offered TO pilot me nearer the door where
could get more mir but no sooner had /