Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-05-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

IOAh pdpCl, WnlCu ~ y
lady would like petition as dish-wash-
er in restaurant"
A fashion paper says that undress-
ed kids are the proper things for the
opera. The Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Children should see to it
that this does not become custom.
sHellor' said Buckle as he met
Barnacle. Barnacle is particular, and
replied: ''Why don't you say Good
morning when you meet a gentle
manP" Il do" answered Buckle
Providence Nea0S.
4 ''Step this way, if you please, ladies, "
aid the gracious foor-walker, as he
ed off with majestic wave of his hand.
eve are sorE," said madam; ''but we
never learned to walk that way."-
Y07akerS Statesman.
''Smith, why don't you get your dia-
monds insured?" said Jones. where
can | do that?" innocently asked
Smith. cat the United States Plate
Glass Insurance Company, of course"
replied Jones, and GOODNESS has grown
up between them.-Pittsburg Chromt-
If a man spends cents a day, six
days week for fifty-tWo weeks, for to-
baccO, drinks 2373 quarts of poor beer,
goes to the New England fair on horse
trot day and refuses to subscribe to an
agricultural paper, how big mortgage
has he got on his farm?- Greenfield
(MasS.) Country Home.
Father, what is Iuxury?" asked
little Johnnie the other night as he
wrapped himself round the parlor
stove. "a luxuryP Why, it's some
thing we don't really need, you know
"a thing we can do without" 'sWell,
then, replied the logical youth, ''what
luxury mosquito net must be in
Winterrn-LJe.
A plumber having amassed fortune
at his trade, abandoned the former oc-
cupation and opened a drug store. In
six weeks he failed so fat that he went
to jail and sent his family to the poor
house. 1t is thought that his former
occupation had not trained him to
charging high enough prices to succeed
in the drug business. Sunday School
Quarterly.
One of our exchanges from way back
tells how the country choir spent the
time during one of the parsons long
sermons. Among other things, the al
to laid her head on the basso profundos
shoulder and quietly slept for an hour.
She certainly ought to have been put
out, for when the minister looked up he
caught her mapping on first base
Portland (Me.) Press.
''Of the seven newspaper men who
reported Webster's famous address at
the laying of the cornerstone of Bun
ker Hill monument, Edward Everett
Hale is said to be the only one now
living" As Mr.. Hale was only years
old when Webster delivered his speech,
his reportorial work on that occasion
may be set down as phenomenal jour
naIistic feat.-Atlanto Constitution.
There had been some illness in the
family, and when a kind-hearted but
inquisitive neighbor asked Johnny who
had been sick he promptly answered.:
''Oh, it's my brother, that's all.
''What was the matter with him?'h
Muffin, only he was just sick" 4
know, but what allied him?' 30, I
Dunno" what did he have?" He
had the. doctor" That closed the in
QUESTION. - Christian at Work.
Il wish you would come to see me
oftener, Charlie" murmured Claribell,
as they sat in the front parlor trying to
find out which knew the least '.Ah,
but you know, darling, am here every
night" ''Yes, l know that, but wish
you'd come oftener." ''Well, but
don't you see if did [ would have to
leave oftener, ha, hap Eyes, that
was what [ said. -" And then he asked
her if she knew where he had put his
hat.-BOStoB Post.
A mental bearing large package
entered the office of a great Houston
daily. 'What's that?" asked the edi-
tor. Mrs. Smith has written five
act play and she wants you to look over
it and give her a criticism. She will
call for it next week Good morning"
And, lifting the package down from his
shoulder, the mental placed it on the
table and started for the door. Come
back here You just wait five minutes
and then you can take it along with
you exclaimed the editor. Teras
Sytings.
Jones why, my boy, what's the
matter? You look iii" Smith-..Yes;
I've had fearful night. Couldn't
sleep wink. Don't know what's the
matter. well, [ know. You are
too hard on your digestive organs.
These late suppers are very bad; and,
besides, you don't stop there, either.
What did you have after we parted last
night?" Nothing, except a half-doz-
en- raw" Il thought so. Remember
hereafter that it's the last raw that
breaks the cancels back. PtilGdeJ-
3hjG Coll.
II called to consult you in regard to
the Snow and Ice ordnance" he said,
/. as he took seat in a lawyers office.
'.If | fall down on -" ''If you fall
down on an icy walk you can bring
suit for damages, of course" "Can,
ehP And [ can make the tenant pay?"
''Fll guarantee you can" ''But this
is case when some one slipped down
on my sidewalk" ''Ah! [ see! Very
we'll sir We'll OrOva pOntrihut