News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-01-08
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THE HUmOR-
Gus COLUMNS TO MAKE Us SMILE.
The Wrong Man-After JOhBny's supper
Story TellInE-At Railroad Restaur0nt
Pay the Printer, Etcs Etc.
A DOMESTIC LAW CASE.

DOMESTIC LAW CASE
"What is your businessp asked the
Justice OF large, raw-boned woman.
'I'm the sueor in case of assault
and battery against my husband" re-
piled the woman.
"What Is your business ?" inquired
the Justice, turning to another large,
able-bodied woman.
"I'm this woman's mother. I'm a
sueor, too"
"And what is your business ?" again
queried the Court of small, wizened
man, whose eyes were red with weeping.
"Please your Honor. I'm the suee."-
Graphic.
THE CHINA DEALER.
"Never saw such dull times IN my
life. Don't sell new set OF dishes
week." Caller-''That's rather odd.
People can't eat without dishes, and
they are sure to get broken, you know.
"That was the case formerly, and I've
often had families buy a new set every
month; but those good times have gone.
Dishes don't get broken any more"
''They don't?" "No. You see, it's be-
coming fashionable for ladies do to their
own work. Philadel11hia CaH.
LIVING TOGETHER,
"How many wives has hep"
"Two."
"And do they live togetherP" queried
the tourist, in establishment.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And don't they ever quarrel ?"
'Not that know of.
"What they actually live together in
the same house and don't quarrel r. ex-
claimed the inquisitor; 'why, where is
the man ?" she added in breathless
haste
"He's dead" meekly answered the
little girl.-SdH Lake WeaOS.
ASKED THE WRONG MAN.
"Can you tell me where old Mother
Silberbaum is ?" asked gentleman yes
terday of a mysterious looking red-nosed
man.
"No, sir, can't. You must see her
lawyers if you want to learn anything
about her."
"You oughn't to have asked that man,"
remarked the lawyer to the inquiring
gentleman half an hour later. ''He
doesn't know anything about her.
"No2"
"No, he Is only detective. p Graphic.
JoHNNYs SUPPER.
"Mamma, be late suppers badP"
eyes, my child, very bad"
"Wbat makes 'em bad?'
"Why, it Injuries the health to eat just
before going to bed"
"Oh 1 thought may be il injured
the health to go to bed right after sup
per-"
Johnny wasn't hustled off TO bed as
early as usual that night, just the same.
- Chicago NeaOs.
THE SOFT PEDAL.
Mr.. Winks-'I see that Russian
banker has left almost $5,000,000 to
pianist named Sophie Menter."
Miss Minks (his next door neighbor)
-"Isn't that nice? / wonder if any
one will leave me anything when 1 be-
come a great performer Did the paper
say why he left it to her p
Mr., Winks-''No; but I suspect she
always closed the windows and used the
soft pedal when practicing. ."-Phita.
CAL.
| HIS SACRIFICE.
A Texas cattle man married refined
! young lady belonging TO the best SO
ciety of Dallas. A friend meeting him
shortly after his marriage, congratulated
him on his happy fortune. "It's all
right, but had to make sacrifices" re-
piled the newly made husband, shaking
his head. "What sacrifices ?" '1've
had to give up going to bed with my
boots and spurs on when come home
tired. ."-Teras Siftings.
STORY TELLING.
Me-: "Oh, you naughty, naughty girl;
you've told me story. You said you
were not at the jelly shelf, and Jane says
you were"
Little Nell: 81 forgot, ma"
Ma: "Now, don't add another story to
the first. You did not forget-you did
not forget, you tried to deceive me. 1t
was wicked, wicked lie, and l shall u
Jane (entering): ''Mrs. Squibbs is at
the front door, mum"
Ma: "The odious thing Tell her
am not at home. PHILADELPHIA CAL.
SCENE AT A RAILROAD RESTAURANT.
Angry proprietor, to fault-fnding GUS
toner, pointing to viands-"Isn't that
meal fit for king?"
Customer (drawls)-'That depends
on what sort of king it is. If it was
the king of the FIJI Islands, he might
think it elegant; but if it was the EN-
peror of Russia, he might prefer bears
grease or tallow candles"
(The train bell rings and the propri-
etor faints 0-Iife