Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-02-05
WIT AND HUNIOIs.

f-tA4 /, ttttoRNA W AhS
current conundrum: .,Will the coming
man workP'i is ..He will if / get him.
/, Washington Star.
Astronomers now begin to count the
day from midnight This is getting up
late al night to be up early in the morn
Ing. Detroit Free Press.
An Indiana husband who is seeking
a divorce claimed that his wife scalded
him with hot tea on eighty-one different
occasions. There are some patient men
In this country. Detroit Free Press.
In one of our Indian languages the
word woman is rendered "kewano-
jawIaw Any married man can define
the last two syllables at a glance, and
"kewano' means lightning. Paper
ont West.
Where lie the hidden powers of
the Acknowledged Celestial? He has en-
somewhere. Yam Phou Lee is the
strongest chess player in Yale college.
tie beats the rest of the college chess
club easily. Hartford Times.
Theatrical managers are endowed
with rare powers. For Instance, they
can crowd more performers on single
three by five foot poster, than they can
possibly get together on forty by six
" foot stage. This is genius. - The
Judge.
A modern philosopher says that wo-
men who excite the greatest love are
often very plain, even ugly. 1t is safe
to assume that after that philosopher
got this idea printed he was careful to
clip it out of the paper before taking it
home to his wife. PAilddeiphia cal
A Mott street Chinaman has renounc-
ed draw-poker. He sorrowfully relates
his experience as follows. II got flo
acee, bet five dolla, nobody clum in;
get tlee kingee, bet ten dolla, nobody
cium in; get flo ilushy, bet fifteen dol
la, evly son of gun clum i'm L San.
The office-boy's effusion: II hela her
tiny hand in mine and clasped her
fairy form, and told my tale of ardent
love in language sweet and warm. And
when paused for lack of breath, she
raised her dimpled chin and whispered
low, 4 don't catch on; please sing your
song again. "
MY wife has gained a sweeping vic.
tory" exclaimed BREATH IS bare
headed citizen as he emerged upon the
sidewalk. How so?' inquired
passer-by. "Why, exclaimed the hatlcss
individual "she has just driven me out
of the house with Il broom. - Eur,tRq-
ton Free Press.
'Bric-a-brac is fast disappearing
from fashionable mantepieces, read
Mrs. Crimsonbeak from the daily pa
pers the other evening. I'm glad of
that, replied her husband, looking up
for moment, "now fellow will have
some place in the ouse to put his
feet. - foahcts stdtesman
What do YOU think of Mr.. Thomp-
son, MAJ" ''lIe seems to be very nice:
but ! would not encourage him il |
We're you. Why, mammal" He has
red hair, and red-haired men are al
ways dece tful Y ''But pa has red
hair. "'Ncll. not quite red, child.
It's quite d enough, though"
The ditor OF the East sits down with
malice in his heart and writes of our
esteemc co-worker in journalism. .
The Western editor, leaving his fellow
publisher with Il hearty grasp at the
..coiiin-naii- factory. seizes his brilliant
pen, ard fires hail the town against his
''ioathsome contemporary. = The Cur
rent
1.-The house is desirable in every re-
spcct. said the real estate owner to an
i tenGing purchaser; ''but it is not fur
nishrd with hot water. '.Oh, never
mind that, > replied the house-seeker
II have been married fifteen wears and
there is 10 danger Of my ever being
oat Of hot water. harrington Free
Press
A few years ago Rev Nj Coates.
the pastor of the Baptist Church in
this ity, while administering the con-
solutions of the Gospel to an invalid
lady in his parish, said: Il hope, sis
ter, that you are resting on the prom
ises. She said; Yes, am" He
then asked: what special pro ise
IRE you chiefly resting on now?H And
she replied: Grin and bear t.
Portland Orcg0nian.
Little boy has been swearing, and
mamma, to punish IN. washed
thoroughly the inside of his mouth
with soapsuds, ''to clean away the
naughty WORDS as She explains to
him. A few days later, whilc passing
the bathroom, she sees the youngster
with his face one mass of suds, and his
mouth so full that she barely under
stands his >pluttering EXPLANATIONS.
Getting them all out, mammal SN6re
five times yesterday"
First officer That was very mys-
FERROUS case of suicide last night, wasn't
it?" He was young, wcll-dressed. and
apparently well-to-do. Not bit like
the ordinary suicide" Second otli-
Ger: Il don't see that there was any
thing mysterious about it. 1t struck
me that it was very ordinary case"
But there was moth ne found on him
to indicate the cause for the deed. =
"Oh, yes there was. "What was it?"
His marriage certificate. +"
A gentleman of this place recently
remarked in the Office of the hotel that
a man was a coward who would carry
a concealed weapon. Another gentle
man agreed with him very emphatical-
is. That night the two had to occupy
the same room. just before the second
gentleman knelt down to say his pray
ers he pulled out silver-mounted
revolver and laid it on the bureau
Washington (Ga.) Gazette.
Henry Powers was talking about
hunting He remarked to Nathan
Kimble rs they sat around the grocery
store stove out at Onion Creek
''When ! reckon up what it costs me for
ammunition, the clothes | ruin in
trarping over the country, and what
| lose by neglecting my business, every
quail | shoot costs me IS" Then you
can thank your stars that you only hit
one i'll every ten that you shoot at. 1t
is lucky that you are such a poor shot,
or you would bankrupt yourself.
Cornwall item. DR., Logan OF Hous-
ton, being at the house of Judge Cum
mings, asked the lattcr's little boy:
don you want to see the elephant in
the circus that has so much intelli-
gence? He can draw the cork out of
bottle, put the neck of it to his mouth
and empty it down his throat. IF that
is all he can do don't care to see him.
Ny pa can do thar. I've seen him do
it dozen times when he went out fish
ing" 1t may be remarked incidentally
that the room was full of company, and
Judge Cummings himself was present
and listened to the childish prattlc of
his little boy. Ieras Sittings.
Good miners are scarce. There are
plenty of men here. but great many
of them belong to that class who are
always looking for work. and always
praying to God that they won't find it.