Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-26
WIT AND HUNOR

congressman. Its designed for violin
| players. 800
Your little daughter is the hest
child ! ever knew, said one LADY "a
another. adding almost immediately
Tor an only child - Hayper's Bazar
Did you ever notice the cold thrill 81
horror that runs through social party
when would-be funny man gets m 10
cripple comic song -FaH Riper Id
Ud1lcc.
A little 4-year-old while coming down
stairs was cautioned by his fond mamma
not to lose his balance. "And where
would my balance SO to, he queried,
IF lost itp''
Poverty has its cares. my son. but
then wealth has its scares too. more
than poverty, ten to one Look at the
panics on the money market every
week. Did you ever hear of financial
panic IN an alms-house? - Brooklyn
! Eagle.
! Landlady DO You find your steak
tender, Mr.. DUMMY? Ifnot fwill--,i
DUMMY (who was wakened at 5 o'clock
that morning by the cook poundine)-
"Er-it might be we'll to let the cook
hit It 9 few more times, | Think
AeW York sun.
$50 Mr.. Blank was here TODAY p',
Servant-"Yes, sir. ..And YOU told
him what | said. supposc?i' Eyes.
sir. did he take umbrage?'' Il
dldn' t notice, sir; but if lie did he'll
bring it back. He's very particular
gentleman, you know
his uncomplimentary but character.
istic epitaph by Burns has Just been
found in Damfries: Beneath these sods
lies drunken Rhodes, what meier was
kenned to drink cauld water, like clack
o mill the whisky gill inspired his
tongue wi endless claiter.
| A very fearful accident occurred to
gentleman while leaving the train at
| Denison. His pocket was picked of
SlI50. The sickening feature of the
accident is to be found in the fact that
the money W $ intended for the pur-
chase OF bonnet for his wife.
! A collar and a NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. has
been invented by q California man.
That's well enough; but, ii he will 90
to work and invent device which will
| prevent his back collar button from
wandering off when it is most wanted.
he will do mankind a service.
Sorts.
| Those people comprising the inner
circle OF what terms itself society, have
issued an cdct so tbs said, against
boards and mustaehes. They consider
such appendage to a mans face vulgar
and commonplace. 1t is too much like
the soldier and the brigand, they think.
MiddietoaOg Press.
''Do you want to see me turn a flap-
jack?n asked Passaic young lady of
her bashful lover. IF YOU do, come
into the other room.' And then he
| grabbed his hat and was half way home
before ne realized that she wanted him
to go into the kitchen and witness an
exhibition Of her domestic ability.-New
York Dispdtci.
| First Dude-"Aw. Chawley, my dear
boy, what a wattin' race you are goin'
this mornin'. Second Dude-aAw.
yes, Fitznoodle, my dear fellow. Don't
| detwain me. Pm hard at work. This
is the busiest season of the year to me-"
"By Joye, Chawley, what are you do
in r. I'm dodgin' my creditors. -
Philadelphia CAL.
81 saw your advertisement for a
young man of good address," remark
ed one of the applicants for vacant
| position, ''and thought would call in
and reply. Ny address is Boston.
Mass, and il that isn't as good as the
| best | should like to know where Won
will find a better one. - Barlinqton
| (Vt.l Free Press
There is no blank so blank as the
blank that appears before man when
he gels up in public assembly and
torgets what he was going to say-un-
less it is the blank which appears be-
tore an amateur in skating-rink when
his legs begin TO spread out and he
don't know which one to follow. Bur-
tngt0n Free Press.
| A bookmaker witnesses in the street
| the accidental death of an acquaint-
ance. He sets off to break the news to
the widow. He is charged not to tell
her too abruptly AT the house he asks
for ssMme. Widow X" II am Mme
X,' says the lady, s.but | am not
widow" Would you like to bet on
at?'' responds the bookmaker. Waited
from France.
1t was just after the tiff. ..Iwonder,n
snarled Romeo, .'if we shall know each
other in heaven" sI'llremember you,
Of course, replied Juliet, with tender
emphasis, sbut of course | couldn't
know you without meeting you. And
period of silence as long as centen-
NAL poem crept in the room. Romeo
kept thinking about one thing and an
other and one thing and another and
one thing and another. Bsudette.
Dr. Carver finished his task of hitting
$4,000 balls in six days. The achieve
/ business as yet. The doctor used
rifle in hitting the balls. If he had
corraled the balls into pile and used
a baseball club or a brick he might
have hit them all in one day and had
! i've days to spare to devote to digging
cellar or saving wood or something
that way. But we don't suppose he
ever thought of that. ~ Aor7'istotcn Her.
/ aid
William G. Hudson tells a story about
Mr. Tilden: Zone day he said to his
physician. Doctor, | can't stand that
medicine you are giving me; it hurts
my stomach %, but Mr.. Tilden, the
medicine is doing great deal of good.
Il presume so, but | shall not take it
hereafter. I'm sorry to hear you say
that; but if you are determined on this
course would warn you earnestly that
| you must stop using it gradually
You doctors don't know anything.
| quit using that medicine three weeks
| ago.
Youthful Inq6irer.-A statesman is
one who states; and the Speaker is
man who sits in high chair in front of
the statesman, and decides who shall
state and who shall not state. The
Speaker is provided with a mallet and a
loose board: and, when a statesman
states too long or states anything
derogatory to the party to which the
Speaker belongs, it is the duty of the
latter to pound vigorously with. the
mallet on the board The Speaker dis
likes TO hurt the statesman's feeling,
but he has to do his duty. Columbus
Dispatch.
THE choral habit, says the Balti-
more UnderioYiter, lis steadily on the
increase, not only among sufferers from
constant insomnia. but among persons
subject to milder forms of nervous irri-
tation, to the strain and excitement of
speculative ventures, or to the wear
and tear of late hours and fashionable