Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-11-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUM0R.
"Belles" call many people to
church.-Chicago Ledger.
An important period-the one be-
tween the dollars and cents.-Ex.
Fair play pugilists are like safety
matches, they strike only on the box.
London Punch.
When forth goes the lover to greet
her, the tune he huns is in short
meet her.-Boston Traveller.
The fellows who found a lot of
money in an old vest, said it was a
good investment for them.
The person whose conversation can
throw light upon any subject-the
man with a lantern jaw.-London
Punch.
Rev. E. H. Chaplin, in his early
days in the lecturing field, when ask
ed what he received for his sort of
work, replied, pleasantly: "F. A.
M. FIFTY and my expenses. -
Ex.
A girl masquerading in boys cloth
ing slipped and fell. She said :
"Ouch!" and this gave her away. A
man would have been just as much
hurt, but he would have made diff
ferent remark.-Ex.
When an editor owes a tradesman
ten dollar bill, what is the briefest
and at the same time the most deli
cate way for the tradesman to sug'
gest settling up! "Please X."-
Free Press.
eyes am opposed to American
girls marryin' furriners," said old
Mrs. Sipes. "I'm jist that opposed
to it that if my girls can't marry peo.
pie of their own sex, they needn't
marry at all, and that's all there is
about it."-Free Press.
"If you should allow me $14 pei
week on which to run the house,
she said, as they sat together in the
twilight, "and saved SO per week
out of that, what would you say?'
Say, Why, I'd say you ought to
run it on 'leven." he growled, as he
lighted the gas."-Ex.
A California blacksmith is danger
ously i'll with glanders contracted
while shoeing horse, and a Penn.
sylvania woman is suffering from a
sprained ankle, contracted while
shooing a hen. There seems to be a
fatality about this shoeing business
-Nerri.town Herald.
Washington Irving once said to a
lady friend; "Don't teach your
daughters SO many things teach
them one thing; teach them to be
easily pleased" Judging from the
specimens of husbands acquired by
numerous young ladies, too many
mothers have followed Irving's ad.
vice.-Norristown Herald.
Proprietress of game and delicat.
essen emporium: IL am very sorry
dose rabbits und skvir-r-als und
brarie chiggens vos all sold owd
aber here is shplendit sausage.
recommend dot"
Customer "'Fraid that won't
do; my wife'll never believe l shot
it."-Fliegende Blaetter.
Deacon Bucrag "a visitor at the
Mott street Sunday school)-"How
long have you been member of the
Sunday school, All Sing ?"
All Sing: "Tlee weekee."
Deacon Bucrag: "And do you
not find much in the Christian re.
ligion to comfort you? p
All Sing: "Not vely much. Me
votee Lepublican ticket and gotee
leftee. New York Sun.
A brisk, rapid clergyman attended
his church to solemize marriages late
ly. Seeing bridal party waiting
he had them ordered up sharply, and
began marrying away post haste. AS
he ratified on through the service the
bridegroom turned color, quivered
and gasped out: "Please, sir, don't
you think it would be as well to wait
for the bride! I'm sure she won't be
long a-coming."-London Fun.
First dude: "You think that she
loves you then ?"
Second dude: "I'm-aw--p)si-
tive of it, my deah boy"
First dude: "What makes you
positive :"
Second dude: "She has named
her poodle after me, my deah boy
and if that isn't n strong nroof of 8