The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-10-29
WIT AND HuMoR.
HoBsON's CHOICE.

ha9
If l tell the whole truth, 1 shall get the Old
NickS
If tell what's not true the Old Nick will get
me."-Ihe Century 'Bric-a-Brac-
A dentist adyertises Teeth inserted
without pain" This shows one marked
difference between dentist and dog
N. Y Graphic.
Two Jockeys have been killed at
horse-races in New York recently. A
few more casualties of that kind and
the horse trot will supersede baseball
as the National game" in the coun-
try.-NorristoDn Herald.
Lady-Ach Gott, Herr Professor,
what an accident! This morning q
child fell from the third-story window.
Professor-Console yourself. 1t is
much better for one child to fall from
the third story than three from the
first story. Ftiegende Biaetter.
1t is reported that an Illinois editor.
bachelor. received complimentary
ticket to The county fair, good for HIM
self aud wife. Being man OF a close
and economical turn of mind. he inn
mediately got married in order TO avail
himself of the full benefits of the invi-
tation.
What is the difference between a
tbase=ballist who goes back on his writ
ten agreement to play with a nine and
the manufacturer who supplies rail-
way companies with patent car
,breaksP One is contract-breaker and
the other is q brake-contractor.-
Rambler.
..Mrs. Smith is very young-appear-
ing woman," remarked Mrs. Brown
l. l. -,
q middle-aged woman whose charm
was her vivacity.
s'She would be more young-looking
mamma" put in Teddy. ''if her head
was chopped off"
The meanest practical joker lives in
Derby. Being on a visit to a neigh
boring city he spotted his face all over
with red paint, and suddenly made his
appearance at the annual meeting of
the Anti-Vaccination Society. The
members nearly broke their necks get
ting out of the windows. Er.
a English Jake-Wife: I've been think
ing, dear. ever since you gave me Mac
aulay's History at Christmas, which
you said you'd been longing to read,
what. present 1 should make you at
Whitsuntide.f Now, what do you say
to a new carriage rugp You know how
bitterly cold I've often felt in the vic
toria.-IUnch.
A hardware dealer in Mount Joy,
Pa, has one of the largest and finest
collections of old almanacs in the
State, running to over $50 years. 1t is
suspected that the majority of his visi
tors during the winter are circus
clowns, who wish to absorb fresh lot
of Jokes for the next season.-Norrfs-
tosOn Herald.
..Will you give me them pennies
nowp" said big newsboy 10 a little
one after giving him severe thump-
ing. mo, l won't" exclaimed the
one. "Then I'll give you another
pounding" Pound away. Me and
DR. Franklin agrees; DIR. Franklin
says: Take care of the pence and the
pounds will take care of themselves.
How are you to-day" my dearP"
asked the high-school girl of her friend
as they met this morning.
20, feel under the weather to-day,
Mildred" was the reply.
Had you not better say 'subordi-
mated to meteorological conditions of
the atmosphere instead of under the
weather. " gently corrected Mildred.
-Pittsbnrg Chronicle Telegraph.
Levi Mosenthal-"I dell you, young
weller, dot ofercoat Wits you like der
baint on der ceiling"
Customer (feeling in his pocket)-
..But, great mackerel! what's this?
What's this cockroach doing in the
pocket here?"
Levi-"Dond say word, my friend.
VI, of, - a
: lars wort of goods. "-Ranbler.
One afternoon, while a tight-rope
walker was going through his perform
ance, a boy about II years old turned
to an acquaintance of the same age
and remarked, tom, don't you wish
you could do thatP' "Yes, do" sad
isly replied Tom, '.but my folks make
me 90 TO school, and are determined
Il shan't never be anybodyr'-
Foreign Er.
"You can't add different things to-
gether,' said school-teacher. IF
you add a sheep and a COW together it
does not make two sheep or two
cows" A little boy, the son of milk
man, held up his hand and said: THAT
may do with sheep and cows. but if
you add q quart of water to quart of
milk it makes two quarts of milk. I've
seen it tried. - Philadelphia North
american.
1t Wouldn't Work-Seedy individu-
al: DO you deliver money to any ad-
dressp" Express Company Clerk:
Certainly. sir. How much do you
wish deiivercdP" "What's the charge
on $1,OOOP" lone dollar" .Well,
here's so cents. just pass me out $500.
sonny, and be lively" Curtain falls
on sidewalk scuffie, with the clerk un-
derneath. Philadelphia Call.
: Nose Case was an albino, whittier
than Caucasian. though his parents
were pure blacks. He went to the
Mexican War as a musician in a Ken
tucky regiment He was supposed to
have made precipitate retreat on one
occasion, and, on being asked if he did
mot run, replied, mot exactly, but if
had been goin' for doctor you would
have thought the man was very sick.
GalUeston (7eG.) Nevs.
..Julia, don't see why you are go
ing to marry Harry Bascomb. He
hasn't any money, and it is not likely
that ho'll ever have any," 81 scorn to
marry for money. Harry is handsome
me a sense of protection" 20
that's all right, Julia. Every one to
their mind. You may marry for pro-
lection; 1 intend to marry for rev.
enne. philadelphia Call.
The late William p. Young, ESQ.,, of
Augusta, who died few weeks ago,
was gentleman of much ability but of
very short stature. When he was
practicing law in Piscataquis county
he arose one day in the Supreme Court
to make motion for the continuance
of a case. The presiding Justice is
little near-sighted and coolly remarked.
''I heard the gentleman's motion and
am disposed to grant it, but believe
it is the rule for attorneys to rise when
they address the court" There was a
roar in the bar. The Judge did not
perpetrate this joke Intentionally, but
MIR. Young felt it keenly, and did not
forgive him for long time -Lelpist0n