Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-12-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

4
tiveP" Startled junior quickly an
swers: Not prepared. - iate NetUs.
..Tiberius, at his death, left f13.-
624 600. which Ca,igula spent in less
than twelve months. Mrs. Calignla
evidently read he dry goods advertise
ments. LOUISVILLE Coufter-Journai.
Those who have tried 1t say that
they would rather be struck three
times by lightning than once by
hehtning-rod peddlcr; and yet some
/ people think that lightning hurts
teto1idR I.de eadeat
In Cincinnati the observation-disclosures
have powder that they sprinkle over
small oysters, causing them to swell;
and you will often meet young men in
Boston who seem TO have been sprlnk-
led with this same powder boston
Commercial Lultetn.
A learned Professor who was asked
the question, What is cholera?' re-
| piled: Cholera is poisoning by
uramia, by cholgmis, by extractih@-
lniti analogous TO what is produced by
ptomaines, analogous to cholera
stibie' or to cholera arsenical.
M ghty poor dogs sometimes make
| fine sausage-meat. This shows now
far the education of dumb brutes has
advanced within the past few years.
| We have no doubt that in time dogs
can be hired to perform many of the
mental duties for which we are now
obliged TO pay high wages. = turing
ton Free Press.
Il don't see why pennies were in
vented, said New York banker, who
| had received Il few in change.
/ "Oh, that's easily accounted for,
remarked i friend from an adjacent
city; pennies were invented to enable
| New York milliouaires to contribute
toward the erection of public monu-
mcnts. Boston Globe.
A burglar who attempted to enter a
/ house i'll Sacramento was caught fast
in the window; and the woman armed
herself with potato-mashcr, drew up
Il chair, and sat there and tapped his
! head for half an hour before Gazing the
police. She said she had always just
ached 10 pound man ali she wanted
to- II. Louts iioSt- DtSpatch.
Milkman: Johnny, did you put
water in the mix this morningP" New
assistant: Yes, sir. = did you
know that is wicked, johnny" ''But
you told me TO mix water with the
milk Yes. but told you 10 put
water in first and pour the milk into
it, Then, you see, we can tell the peo-
pie we never put water in our mink.
-Albany -Argns
The class in meteorology at the Uni
versity OF Texas was up Tor examina-
ton.
Has the mean temperature increas-
ed OF fallen off during the last three
centnries?' asked the professor
Professor can't remember any
thing that happened so lar back.
only entered the university last year. :"
-1er0S Sytngs
One of the new members of the
| Georgia Legislature kept quietly in his
seat for three hours on his first day in
| the House, and then timidly approach
| ing Il doorkeeper said in n whisper: Il
-I-I-say, I'd like 10 go out, if-if
you don't k-kcer. I-l-won't be gone
| but about ten minutes" The door
| keeper let HIM out.
Times are pretty hard with some of
the small brokers in the new Board of
Trade district. A deaf and dumb man
went into an office in the Open Board
OF Trade bnild,ng the other day and,
SEEING piece oi paper, wrote:
IL am hungry"
The broker TOOK the piece OF paper,
read the unhappy words and scrawled
under them:
so AN |. = htcego Aciad.
Hearing noise al night, Jones de-
scends with Il lighted candle and dis
covers a burglar csc ping with Il full
sack. ''Hello," hc cries. Come
back. your ''Eh, whatp" returns the
burglar. ''Ah. yes-the silver candle
stick Permit me-" He takes it FROM
the hand of thc astonished Jones and
puts it into his bag. ''ren thousand
thanks. Have | forgotten anything
else" -LoAd0A yii- BITS.
Young mani came il answer TO
the advertisement" Deutist-"Arc
you of cheerful disposition?n Sir.
| could laugh ut q funeral and PLAY
checkers in graveyard" II think
you'll do. want young man of
good address to issue forth from the
walls, looking as if he enjoyed it.
think it will tend to encourage the real
victims. - Huadelph a CAL.
Chief Of Detective Bureau You wish
employment on the force. EN-? How
would you proceed in delicate inter-
view?
Applicant Oh. I'd skirmish adroitly
| for while; then, when | had succeed
ed in arresting his attention, would
~
That will do, sir You can consid-
er yourself engaged. Hang me if |
don't want man on my force who
can succeed in arresting something or
other. - ihtlGde lphi0 cal.
The passenger from Pennsylvania
was complaining of business down his
way. Everything dull.
1.-TWO years ago" he said, 81 went
into the oil regions with $13. 900. Day
before yesterday | pulled out with
$3.50, and am going West to get me a
| farm"
You didn't invest very wisely, did
you?" remarked the elderly passen-
ger.
NO" replied the Pennsylvania,
sadly, mot wisely, but in Two wells. "
-Chtcago Hcraid
The New York Tribune, in comment
ing on the recent horse swindle in
Boston, tells the following anccdote:
"Ihe late Tom Appleton of Boston
once offered horse for sale. and stat
ed in the advertisement that the only
reason he parted With the animal was
that he wished to leave Boston. 1t
turned out that this nice family horse
oil Appleton's invariably became balky
when he reached bridge, and his
owner could not leave Boston without
crossing 4 bridge"
An Augusta dentist was at work on
4 set OF false teeth when the writer en-
tered his sanctum the other day.
"Tnese teeth, he said. ''haye a pc
cuiar history. | made them tor u
young lady in Belgrade. She died. Ga
her deathbed she gave the set of teeth
to her most intimate friend. This
friend brought them to me and en-
ployed me TO alter them TO fiji her own
mouth. Yes, the intimate friend is
lady. and is practical, not romantic "
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