The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1885-08-29
The Paragraph Fiend.

A matter of cores-Apples.
Lead astray-Bullets in battle.
The lost cord-The missing wood-pile.
Words that burn-Waste basket poetry.
"Bewarc of limitations as the monkey
said to the dude.
A morally conducted family should have
an upright piano.
A West virginan is happy over big run
of luck. His cousin eloped with his wife and
every one of his six children.
Blinks says it is not true that love sickness
checks the growth Of young people 1t in
creases their signs all the time.
Talmage has 100000 life insurance, and
the companies are discussing the feasibility
of placing net under him when he breaches.
A short horse is soon curried, but he must
first be caught The same is equally true Of
a short cashier.
A captious critic says Vassar girls cannot
write poetry. This is the strongest testimoni-
al yet offered of Vassars triumph in the
higher education of women.
"Attend your church" the parson cries;
TO church each fair one goes
The old 20 there to close their eyes,
The young to eye their clothes.
II is remarkable what difference there Is
in the sensation when you get letter enclo-
sing ten dollar bill and when you get one
enclosing bill for ten dollars.
When George said eyes, take up my
violin occasionally for my own amusement,
but never play before company and Tom re-
piled warmly: 90 thank you, my dear fell
low; thank you, thank you" George thought
he was unnecessarily ELUSIVE.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox, the poetess, says she
goes to sleep "draped in soft, luxurious
gloom" Most people prefer to sleep in
night shirt Tastes differ.
A Florida paper says sharks teeth have
been taken from the bottom Of nm artesian
well 1900 feet deep near Jacksonville, in that
state. They must bury the keepers of winter
hotels very deep in Florida.
The Atlanta Constitution INDUCES the re-
mark that the cotton worm and Tom Ochil-
tree are working their powerful jaws in
Texas.
A Pennsylvania woman has been sent to
prison for horse stealing See what comes
of opening the professions to women.
A Georgia newspaper tells of dog that
chews gum. When it gets tired of chewing
it takes the gum out Of its mouth and sticks
it tightly on the top of its nose with its foot
to keep from losing it. Georgia liars are
bound to keep themselves before the country
"Does alcohol warm us?' de6antly asks
temperance orator. Well, let him go home
bowling full of it and his wife will.
Mr.. James banner, late Of Louisville, hav-
ing been laid by the sides of his four wives,
the Indiauapoli, JowAal inditcs for him the
following touching epitaph
An excellent husband was this Mr. banner;
He lived in thoroughly honorable manner.
He may have had troubles,
But they're gone like bubbles;
He's at peace now with Mary, Jane, Alice
and Hannah.
WHO WON?
A sculptor to his friend did say
"I'll lay n wager can make
From this huge mass of shapeless clay
perfect woman, sans mistake.
"Tll take YOU" was the friends reply,
And soon the sculptor's work was done.
His friend gazed on with earnest eyes,
And with smile said al have won
"Woman without tongue, oh my
| think you'll own that have won.'
The sculptor smiling made reply:
"a perfect woman should have none.
Anna Hamilton.
Miss Carrie Damn, of Cincinnati, was mar
ried the other day. Her name is known
wherever the English language is spoken.
A Pittsburg base ball club is called the
"Four Aces" The other day little nine
spot club came along and raked them in.
They didn't suppose it was in the cards.
"0h, where does beauty hnger sings
Philadelphia poetess. Considerable of it
usually fingers upon young mans shoulder
unless her head rests very quietly.
Men who have fallen from great heights
and lived to tell of it agree that the fall is
exhilerating 1t seems as if one were float
ing about on a feather bed. Try one bottle
and be convinced.-DetrOit Free Pres.
A train moving at the rate Of thirty miles
an hour will clear fifty feet in one second,
which is found on close calculation to be ex-
actIy the rate of speed at which Keniucki-
an accepts On invitation to take a drink.
Both men and women are fond Of theatre
,oing. The women like to go to society plays