davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23
President Lincoln's Visitor.

Mr.. Lincoln was quite i'll early ir
the winter of 1863, and was not in
clined to listen to all the bores whc
call at the White House. One day
just as one of these pests had seated
himself for long interview, the Pres
ident's physician happened to entel
the room, and Mr.. Lincoln said, hold
ing out his hands
doctor, what are those blotches ?
"That's varioloid, or mild small
pox," said the doctor.
They're all over me. 1t is conta
gious I believe" said Mr.. Lincoln.
Every contagious, indeed!" replied
the Esculapian attendant.
"Well, I can't stop, Mr.. Lincoln
I just called to see how you were,
said the visitor.
."Oh, don't be in hurry, sir!'
placidly remarked the Executive.
"Tbank you, sir; I'll call again"
replied the visitor, executing n mas
terly retreat from a fearful contagion.
"Do, sir" said the President.
"Somc people said they could not take
very well to my proclamation, but
now, / am happy to say, | have some-
thing that everybody can take BY
this time the visitor was making a
desperate break for Pennsylvania
avenue, which he reached OH the dou-
ble-quick.-Ben. Perley Poorc in Sum
ny South.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23
The Seat Just Fitted her Dog.

In a street car filed with ladies a
ninety.pound dude sat wedged in one
corner. A fat woman, handsomely
dressed, and with a little dog in her
arms, got ON. The dude struggled to
his feet and touching his hat politely
remarked facetiously:
MADAM will you take this seat"
The fat lady looked at the crevice
he had left and thanked him pleasant
ly.
"You are very kind, sir" she said,
II think it will just fit the dog"
And it did.-Chicago Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

Horace Greely came down to the
Tribune office one cold morning, and,
approaching radiator, took off his
hat, sat down and began to examine
a pile Of exchanges. He looked COM
Portable and happy. The ofice-boy
observed him, and approaching the
venerable editor, remarked: "Please
sir, there amt any steam on in that
heater" Mr.. Greely cast wither-
ins glance at the youth, and squeak
ed: "Confound you, why didn't you
let me alone' / was getting warm"
Journalist.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23
The Letter J In Spanish.

the unconverted wilds of the East,
where tenderfeet attain their highest
state of sensitiveness, came out to AL
buquerque, New Mexico, to visit a
friend. While walking along Rail-
road avenue he said to his friend 4
"There goes a man l met up at La
Junta," giving the ] its natural pro-
nunciation.
"You mean La Hunta," the friend
replied. "That is a Spanish name,
and in that language takes the sound
of h."
"Is that so? Well, l must try to
catch on to that"
After strolling along a short dis
tance further he asked:
"Where are these Jemes Springs,
of which l see so much in the pa
psrs?"
"You should say Haynes Springs
they are over here in the mountains
about sixty miles"
"Darn the language-it breaks me
all up. That's n pretty nice house
over there-tbat Armijo House, isn't
?" and again he gave the j its pro-
per pronunciation.
"You mean the Armiho House
yes, it's a good one, too"
"Damischa way of abusing the
English alphabet. l reckon, then,
that must be the Haffa Bros. store
down the street there"
"No, that is not a Spanish name.
think it is French. However, it is
pronounced as spelled"
"Well, how in Santa Fe is a fellow
goin' to tell what's Spanish and what
isn't? Why couldn't they build their
language accordin' to the original
plans"
ooh, you'll soon catch on. You
will find it safest to give the Spanish
pronunciation to nearly everything
here"
An hour later they sat down at the
table of the San Felipe Hotel, and,
after scanning the bill of fare, the
stranger said to the waiter:
"You may bring me a nice, huicy
piece of roast beef, some pigs howl
with caper sauce, some fricaseed hack
rabbit, some pork with apple hslly,
some boiled potatoes with the hackets
on-unskun, you know-some tarts
with currant ja-I mean currant ham,
and, ah, some"
AT this point the waiter swooned
and the guests in the room let out q
roar of laughter that gave the chan.
deliers the chills and fever. This
made the stranger mad, and he leaped
to his feet like a crazy man, took off
his coat, and threw it down on the
floor and stamped on it and hOwled
"You fellers are tryin' to play me
for sucker, but by the enternal,
you've struck the wrong snag
Whoopee (and he jumped up and
slapped his fists) I'm destroyin' cy-
clone from Illinoy, an kin lick the
hull crowd! Spanish! l kin sling
more Spanish in holy minute than
Montezuma could in yearl Kin I?
Well I should ehaculat that 1 kin
Let some idiot pull off his hacket and
hump onto me, an the first time l hit
i'm he'll think he has the him.hams
Spanish Oh, 1 guess not! My
names Jeremi-I mean Jeremiah
Homes, from Jacksonville, Illinoy.
an when my dander's up I'm ravin'
hyenal You played me for sucker,
but you mustn't nudge man by his
looks. Whoop, 60 sound the hubilee.
Somebody come out and face me.
Let some him crow galoot come to
the front and critizise my Spanish
hargon |"
His friends got hold Of him and
took him from the room, and as he
went through the door he remarked:
II kin take a hoke, but, by Hesus,
it makes me mad for a lot O. hackasses
to try to play me for greeney."-
Albuquerque IN. N.Y. Democrat!
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

There is as much truth as wit in
the following clipped from the Gin
cinnati Gazette: II was never ex-
actly buried alive" said an old clerk
rscounting his experiences, "but l
once worked week in store that
did not advertise. When l came out
my head was almost as white as you
see it. Solitary confinement did it"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

The Emperor William has de-
cided penchant for the ladies. After
spending his summer at Ems, it is per-
haps natural that he should turn his
eyes toward Carolinas.-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

Beer was first bottled in 1910, but
people were honest then and it wasn't
considered necessary to have return
this bottle" blown into the glass
Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

Whenever see you, Herr Muller,
l cannot help thinking of the thirty
marks l lent you year ago.
Strange how people differ. forget
them regularly every time I meet
you."-Fliegende Blatter.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

A recent visitor at one of our music
stores boasts that he saw violin two
hundred years old, and piano forte.
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

"The most important thing in con-
nection with house is the haul"
remarked the burglar.-Pittsburgh
Chronicle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

The man at the telephone says ::
"Hellop but the man who sits down
on pin point says just the reverse.
Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

This chilly weather makes me
think of my poor, dear husband"
said a widow, as she sat down besides
a lady close to the stove. "He was
always so cold, poor man, and he used
to wonder if he ever would get warmed
through. He was so miserable when
he was cold, poor man, but it is a
great comfort to me to feel that he is
happy ow."-Chicago Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

Wife (reading): "Isn't this funny
my dear? Here is an article which
says they have found new species
of birds in Australia which have
four legs. Now, what ever do you
suppose they want four legs for%
Husband (yawning)-"They are pro-
badly politicians, my love, and by
this beautiful dispensation of their
Creator they are enabled to stand on
both sides of the fence at the same
time" Rural Home.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

The spider would not make a good
base ball player because it SO frequent
ly goes out on the fy.-Texas Sift-
mos.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

Fanny: "Isn't it too bad that
Clara Dean is SO ugly. It's owing to
those horrid freckles." Julia: 81
don't object to freckles." Fanny {:
"Ob, you don't1" "Julia: No.
Not when they are on some other
girls face. ."-Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

"Is to-day your birthday, Mr.. Gin
gerbread'" asked Johnny of the
young man in the parlor. "No,
Johnny. Why do you ask ?" isis
is going to make you present. She
said So" "Indeed. What did she
say?" "She said you'd been coming
here long enough, and that she'd give
you the mitten tonight. New York
Sun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

The country seat that always rents
the barbed wire fence.-Boston
Beacon.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

The food for prize-f -fghters-round
eak.-Boston Budget.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

A coat of paint has no buttons on
it.-St. Paul Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

A man who advocates the use of
electric railroads is a promoter of
science.-Texas Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

A wise sausage dealer never uses
the semi.profane expression, Dog
gone."-New York Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23

My son, if anybody smokes the
filthy weed don't Chicago Sun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23
WIT AND HUM0R.

Now comes the toothsome oyster stew
To cheer the youth and maid.
Aud better, there is coming too,
A boom 10 trade,
Then he who'd rake the shekels in
When trade begins 10 rise,
Which soon it will, must now begin
To advertise. Boston Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-23
MICHIGAN CENTRAIL
The Niagara Falls Route.

Arrival and departure OF trains noted below "
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18
SOUTHERN STANDARD MEANWHILE TENNEssEE-sATURDAY

factory previously mentioned has
been commenced; an elevator and
feed mill are to be built in the same
town; in Hardeman county smelling
machinery is being received for the
copper mines of which Gen. McClel-
Ian is president, and at Abilene
$25, 900 -four mill is under construc-
ton.
In Virginia, a 81 800 flour mill is
being built at Danville, a $l50,OOO
union depot is to be put up at Rich
mond, and the plans for the 100000
city hall to be built at Richmond
have been accepted; at Lynchburg
bids have been invited for the cree
ton of a 5-story brick and metal to-
bacco factory; at Hamilton flour
mill is being overhauled, and at Will
ton an iron furnace repaired.
In Wellsburg, w. Va, work is to
be commenced Immediately on new
glass factory, lumber railroad is to
be built from BucFhannon, and a
contract has been let for the construc-
ton of a railroad from Kingwood to
Tunnelton.
Considering that the foregoing
long list of new enterprises is simply
summary Of the leading features of
one weeks progress as condensed
from the Manufacturers Records
weekly list of new manufacturing
and mining enterprises, it is quite
evident that there is very marked
activity in the South in this line. If
large corn and cotton crops are pro-
duced, as now seems almost certain,
the South will show wonderful indus
trial activity this fall.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18
Where Advertising Pays.

Thornton Und.) Argus.
An Eastern manufacturer is Just
now busily engaged in doing what
manymen wouldregard asanexceed-
ingly risky business. He is making
advertising contracts with leading
papers throughout the country. He
contemplates spending $500, 900 inside
of Is months. The article thus eX-
clusively advertised costs at retail
only ten cents. Yet this business ven
ture has been carefully considered,
and the man making it feels perfectly
secure of an immense profit as the re-
suit. He has been doing some very
heavy advertising for some years and
his success has been such that he feels
this big outlay now being contracted
for will pay him better than he has
ever done before. The curious part
of this affair is that this manufacturer
does his advertising with newspapers
exclusively. Not cent has he ever
spent in painting the fences or the
landscapes, or in printing fine cards
or alluring circulars to be given away,
He is one of the shrewdest business
men in the country, and the more he
tries exclusively newspaper advertis,
ing the more he spends at it. Com
ment is useless. Such an example is
worth reams Of argument in favor O
the newspaper as the only legitimate
medium for advertising, and the mos
certain to bring satisfactory results
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18
The Grow and the Hare.

A Crow and a Hare met by chance
one day, and were so well pleased
with each other that it was agreed to
form Partnership.
"The first thing in ORDER" remark
ed the Crow, sis to select a Home,
which will, Of course, belong to both
of Jus. Have you got your eye on any
particular Tree?"
"Tree !" echoed the Hare, "why,
we want a burrow, of course"
"Burrow! But 1 can't live in a
Holen
"And | can't climb a tree! !"
eff you didn't intend to consult my
Wishes, why did you propose this
Partnership"
"And if you weren't ready to give
in these little matters, why accept
my Proposals ?"
They were hotly Disputing and
Abusing each other when the Fox
came along, and Ebeing Appealed to
for his Opinion, said:
Moral; My Friends, while you
are both wrong, you have still eXhib-
tied rare Judgment. The Human
Family alone are fools enough to
marry first and quarrel over their
likes and dislikes and natures incon.
gruities afterward."
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18
Kidney Complaint.

For over six years 1 have been
terrible sufferer from a troublesome
kidney complaint, for the relief of
which I have spent over $3.50 without
benefit; the most noted so-called
remedies proving failures. The use
of one single bottle Of B. b. b. has
been marvellous, giving more relief
than all other treatment combined.
1t is quick cure, while others, if
they cure at all, are in the distant fp-
tnre. c. H. ROBERTS,
Atlanta Water Works.
DIR. L. a. Guild, of Atlanta, who
owns a large nursery and vineyard,
has lad on his place who was cured
of a stubborn case of scrOfula, with
one single bottle of B. b. B. Write
to him about the case.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18
LIES SUNNY SIDE.


What-vou are dull today?
In a sad null today?
Up and be social and stirring, pray,
Why SO lugubrous?
Take salubrious
Walk, and wen talk, for I've something to
say.
Verify, verify,
Things will 60 merrily
When you are merry and brave.
But il not cheerfully
Tempered, but tearfully,
Life is tyrant and you are its slave.
If you go willfully,
However skillfully
Nursing your moods and your delicate whims,
Life will be dumb to you,
All things will come to you
Touched bya shadow that saddens and
dims.
Life has two sides to it,
Take the best guide to it,
Look at the best and brightest, my friend
Bea philosopher,
Don't look so cross over
Matters you can never alter or mend.
Look not so dismally
Down the abysmally
Dark-hanging over the precipice brink.
Worst of all bias is
Hypochondriasis-
Sunshine is healthier than shadow, think
If you would drive away
Gloom, and hive away
Honey like peace in your innermost cell,
Work-like the humble bee,
Soft let your grumble be-
Burn your own smoke, and the world vii
90 well.
&C. P. Cranch in Youths Companion
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18

In the South, if you do not know a
mans nameyou canalways command
n respectful hearing by calling him
Colonel. In New England you are
safe to address anyone Professor. In
Chicago everybody's front name is
Say. In New York city Boss! will
usually fetch stranger to company
front, but at Chatauqua, Ocean Grove
and Island Park if you do notaddress
a man as Doctor, you are likely toget
an ecclesiastical cold shake.
Southern standard. (McMinnville, Tenn.) 1879-current, 1885-07-18
His Footsteps.
Step ! step! step!

ClCp olCP' oISP'
1t was his footsteps-her lovers.
The echo might have been lost to
you or / in the rumble of traffic, but
to her-never. To you orme allfoot-
steps might have sounded alike. To
her there was as much difference as
in the sound of human voices. And
she waited and listened, and the
footsteps came and went, and the
months passed by.
STEP step step!
1t was his footsteps-her husbands.
The echo became part of her daily
existence. To listen for it became
one of the objects of her life. When
the echo caught her ear a smile fit
ted across her face, her eyes grew
brighter, and wifely kiss was on
her lips. And she waited and listen
ed, and the footsteps came and went,
as the years passed away.
Step! St.!
But the footsteps had ceased, and
the echoes had died away forever.
They bore him away to sleep with
the numberless dead, and she was a
widow from whom the sunshine had
gone forever. She wept and grieved
and-listened.
Step! step! step!
How her heart throbbed for an in
slant! So much like his, and yet
she knew that he slept beneath the
willow. Not once, but dozen times
day she felt her heart stop its beat
ing as the echo of footstep caught
her ear. And she waited and listen
ed, and the echoes came and went,
and she whispered to herself:
"Some day l shall again hear his
footballs and know that he has
come"
The years went by, and a gray.
haired woman looked out upon the
setting sun and knew that it was hel
last night on earth. Friends wept al
her bedside-she had no tears. They
spoke to her in fearful tOneS-sh(
made no answer. She seemed wait
ing and listening, and of "a sudden, az
the first shadows of twilight began
stealing into her room, she whisper
ed:
'Hark hear it,"
Step!.step! step!
at is his footstep-I feel the echC
in my heart! He has come back t.
me-my husbandW
All listened as they kept their eye
fixed upon the dying woman's face
Step! step! The echo brought tn,
old, wifely smile to her face. Step
step! Her face grew radiant at tn
thought of the meeting. Step! step
step!-The echo gave her strength t
rise up and stretch forth her arms a
if to clasp some one, and as she sanl
slowly back they heard her whisper
81 knew his footsteps-he has com
at lastW
But it was that he might guide he
safely through the valley of tn
shadow.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-03-16
SEALSKIN SACOUES.

The girl who had sealskin sacque given
to her says that she might go further and full
worse.-Boston Budget
"There goes three months back salary
said Joughnes, pointing to the sealskin
sacque on the back of his wife.-Norristown
Herald.
1t is darkly limited that if sealskin sacques
could speak their natural tongue many OF
them would new like a cat.-Dansville
Breeze.
A poetess sings: ~ have found what
silence is" She probably asked her hus-
band when he was going to buy her that
sealskin sacque.-Philadelph Call.
Many of the papers are always twitting
women about being wild to possess sealskin
sacqueS, and yet wild women do not care a
cent for them. Neither do Mexican ladies,
for that matter.-Texas Siftings.
"When we see beautiful sealskin sacque
we little realize the work necessary before
these skins are ready for use," writes phil
osopher. That may be so, but we realize very
painfully the work necessary to raise the
money to pay for it.-Graphic.
A Philadelphia doctor asserts that the seal
skin sacque is too thick andIwarm garment
for this climate, and that it induces con-
sumption and kindred ailments. But we
will give large red chrome for the appre-
hension and conviction of the woman who is
not willing to risk them all if she can have
a sealskin.-Oil City Derrick.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-03-16
companied by his wife. They are at the

companied by his wife. They are at the
Metropolitan.
W. NJ. Ross, Crookston; L. D. Peterson
and Peter Rotering, New Ulm, passed the
Sabbath at the Merchants hotel.
C. NJ. Wilson, Duluth; George Fl. Ellsbury,
Tower City, OAK, and D. R. Taylor, Fargo,
were registered at the Merchants hotel yes
terday.
P. L. Runkel, Salem, Oak; R. H. Gray,
Jamestown; H. c. Crawford, Duluth; George
Haldorn and wife, Livingston, and w. s.
Wells, Pierre, are at the Merchants.
Y. E. Prentice, Pierre; A. A. Doolittle
jamestown; j. G. McGrew, Crookston, and
w. A. Chambers, Saltwater, were among the
late arrivals at the Merchants hotel last night.
AT CHICAGO.
Special to the Globe.
CHICAGO. March 15-J. II. Whiteman and
wife of st. Paul, G. J. Monfort of st. Paul,
Eugene Shaw of Eau Claire, and j. H. Han
amer of Bismarck are stopping at the Ire
mont
II. G. O. Morrison and S. P. Snider of
Minneapolis, Ansel Oppenheim and Mrs.
Julia B. Cakes of St Paul, and Il. j. Bliss
and wife of La Crosse are at the Grand
Pacific.
S. H. Williams of Mankato and William
H. Donahue of Minneapolis are at the Sher-
man.
w. B. Clark and wife of Minneapolis, H.
Gale of Canton, D. T., and C. G.. Birdseye
and James B. McMaster of Montana are reg
istered at the Palmer.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-03-16
PERSONALS.

II. f. Downs, Helena, is at the Merchants.
f W. Monkey, Hudson, is at the Windsor.
5, P. Child, Blue Earth City, is at the As
toris.
F. B. Wilson, Washington, is at the Mer-
chants.
John Hobart, Egsn, OAK, is at the Mer-
chants.
c. E Page, Crookston, is on business
trip 20 ST. Paul.
Hon. Mark II. Duunell, owatouua, was in
the city yesterday.
Mr.. aud Mrs. a. H Moves, Grand Forks,
arc al the Merchants.
James 5. Tod, Fergus Falls, was at the
Merchants yesterday.
:. 5. Flint, leaiinS politician of Grand
FORKS, was in the Yesterday.
Lyman Lowering, a prominent legal light
OF Moorhead, Is ~ The Merchants.
II. II. Natwiek, BrooSngs, aud E. J. Tv-
Ter. Fargo, are st the Merchants
Horace E. Horton, the bridge builder Of
Rochester, MIN. IS in the city.
William Burgess, Duluth. and T. II. Kirk.
winona. were st the Windsor yesterday.
wusam Mckinley, Red Wing, aud J. 3.
Chandler Chicago, are at the Metropolitan.
Hon. c. z. Kindred is lying dangerously
81 a. bis home in Brainerd with typhoid
pneumonia.
John B. Dennis snd William NJ Po<ers,
Ys1Ssou, arrived in the city last night aud
are al the Merchants
Cal. Charles A. Mantoa. formerly OF St
Paul aud now prominent real estate dealer
Of Fargo, arrived in the city YESTERDAY ac-