Morris tribune., 1885-02-11
WIT AND HUMOR.

ueI q SndPPihS WI
An old lady, whose grandson was
about to proceed to the Black Sea-
among other parting admonitions gave
him strict injunctions not to battle IN
that sea, for she did not want him to
come back darkey.
After her grandmother had given her
o good scolding, a little MISCHIEF was
overhead to say to herself: somebody
is cross in this room; faint me, and
faint dolly, and faint kitty. Won
der who it isp'-Haaper'S Bazaar.
.'On what grounds do you leave me
without the customary weeks notioeF
Indignantly asked Thirteenth Ward
boarding-house mistress of q leaving
boarder. Coffee grounds, madam,
coffee grounds" he tartly replied.
When o woman becomes so absent
minded as to forget to hold her hand
so that the light will fall on her dia-
mond ring, it is safest for her husband
to give her a wide berth. She is doing
some dangerous thinking.-faN Rsoer
Aduance.
The cause of civilization advances.
Some of the railway waiting-room
doors in Massachusetts are now marked
respectively Men and Women in
stead of "Gentlemen' and Ladies'. "
Probably no self-respecting sign-painter
ever sank to painting gents on sta
ton door.-Bufalo Courier.
A Southern journalist says: eff the
Americans don't hurry up, Germans
and Englishmen will bar the way to
Mexico" Can't say as to the English,
but you can gamble on it that If the
Germans get the least bit of encourage
ment they will bar the way to Mexico
and have their little barrel of beer on
tap under the bar, too.
Heine tells in his correspondence of a
resident of Frankfort who used to in
terlard his conversation with frequent
ordinations of, m jew, and I'm
proud of it." "Why are you proud of
itp'' finally asked some one. Because
if wasn't proud of it l should be a
Jew all the same; consequently it is to
my advantage to be proud of it."
A young man once went to Vicks-
burg, Miss, and announced that he was
going to publish ''lively, spicy paper,
devoted to local affairs" Next day
several one-armed, one-legged, and
one-eyed gentlemen called on him and
advised him not to do it, because they
had tried it and it didn't seem to suit
the people of those parts. Some peo-
pie have no idea of true humor.-BaL-
tin,ore american.
First bridesmaid-"You never tell?"
Second bridesmaid-"Of course not, ]
never do, you know" First brides
maid-"Well, she told me in strict con-
fidence, understand, that though Jack
was poor they were going to travel all
Summer and stop at the best hotels,
and that they got the money by selling
their duplicate wedding presents.
wonder whether my spoons are paying
part of the expenses"
II see you advertise goods to be sold
for mere song said he, as he STEP
ped into furniture store on Washing
ton street. Eyes, SIR answered the
gentlemanly proprietor. ''Well, now,
let me see; like that red plush sofa
there, and will sing you When the
Robins Nest Again for it." At last &C.
counts he was able to sit up in bed, and
if he continues to improve he will prob.
ably be out in Week.-B0st0n Post.
A schoolmaster in Iowa called his
prettiest pupil to his desk and asked
her if sh would marry him. She re-
piled promptly that she would not. II
you were the last man on earth, and
was 40 instead of 16,' she added, %
wouldn't take you" Resuming his
character of a pedagogue, he decided
that her language was disrespectful
and feruled the hand which he coulc
not get matrimonially. The girl now
| sues him for damages.
| A countryman in search of head
stone for his mothers grave pitched
| upon one the stonecutters had prepared
for another person. II like this one,
he said. "But," said the other, ''tha
belongs to another man, and has Mrs
Perry's name cut upon ID; it wouldn'
do for your mother" ''Oh, yes il
| would" said the countryman. ''Sht
couldn't read. And, besides,' he con
tinued, perry was always favorit'
name of hers. "-Boston Journal.
George had proposed and been &C
cepted. "Well," she said, II can sins
and play on the piano and harp, cal
| paint, and at seminary was up in thu
fine arts and political economy ane
logic, and l can crochet beautifully
and play lawn tennis, and, and--that'
about all, l think. Now tell me wha
are some of your accomplishments
George?" II haven't got any," ''No
| n r., xINToll - bo cold Will
a sigh, elf the worst should come. tt
the worst, I think might be able tt
| cook. "-Bostou Journal.
II shall never call on Mrs. Smith
again." said Mrs. Jones. 81 never
want to see her any more" "You wo
men are very foolish to quarrel ovel
| trifles," said Mr. Jones. ''Mrs. Smith
is very pleasant person, a little talk
alive, perhaps, but on the whole very
estimable woman. You shouldn't st
tach any Importance to what she says
What was the trouble?" "She sail
you weren't very prompt in paying
your debts.'' "Well, by thunder!'
shouted Jones, jumping to his feet, 6:
would give 1926 if she we're a man fo
just ten minutes. "-NeaO York Star.
The manager of zone of our best
known burlesque theaters was much
surprised to see one of his chorus girl
driving pair of housekeeping ponie
through the park. On meeting her a
the theater in the evening, he casually
remarked: "Those were very fine pom
les I saw you driving to-day, Miss Blue
Blood" "Wern't they, just?" replied
the lady, 'and didn't they cost a trifle!
Besides, I've just gone into and fur
nished new house, and-and-thatr re
minds me that can't do that sort o
thing on my present salary of a pount
a week. Can't you make it rs shil
lingsp"- Whitehall ReUiew.
"Look heah, RANSOM" said an ole
negro to a young fellow, II doan' min
yer 'sociatin' wild my daughter, but
druther yer wouldn' come roun' m,
house no mo-. Time fore de las wha
yer wuz heah / missed er bucket
AN de las time de bride wuz gone, an
now eZ | has a use for de saddle