davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Division examiner-"Now, if l
were to give fifty marbles in charge
of this boy Indicating the biggest) to
divide equally amongst you, how
many would you each receiver" Small
boy (sf cxperience)-"Please sir, we
shouldn't get none at all; cause he'd
collar 'em all hissclf."--London
Punch.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Young ladies who will not marry
when they have chance Miss it.
Exchange. No doubt of it. But
what are they to do? When one ac-
cepts an offer she generally Mrs. it
too.-Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

"Vesta"-We would like to explain
why a woman who tells fortunes by
means of cups should be called a
sauceress. But we can't.-Buffalo
Express.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

"How strange Mr.. McSwilligen
must look without a mouth, remarked
Mrs. Podsnap to Mrs. Mes. "No
mouth ~ replied Mrs. McSwilligen.
"What do you mean y "Why, Mr..
Podsnap said last night that Mr..
McSwilligen had shot off his mouth
at the club."-Oil City Derrick.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Remember the porter" said the
hotel highwayman to the departing
guest. 81 shall" said the other "it
was worse than the ale."-Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Young mother-"Do you think ba-
by looks most like me or his father,
nursei" Nurse-"Like you num-.
Mr.. Jinks is a mighty handsome man" I"
Observation-Disclosures competent
and civil nursemaid.-San Francisco
Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

M. l.. Blair, Alderman 9th ward,
Scranton, Pa, dated Nov. s, 'S3:
He had used DIR. Thomas Eclectric
Oil for sprains, burns, cuts and rheu-
matism.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Motto for the cremationists-death
is real, and death is urnest.-Boston
Budget.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

A capital crime-well, kissing is
about as good as any of them, if we
admit that kissing is crime.-Somer-
vile Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

One good combination dog, if kept
in an alley way between yards, can
do the barking for two houses at night.
New Orleans Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

What is the rate of interest when
distance lends enchantment to the
view Boston Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

The backbone of winter is not yet
broken, but it has experienced several
"cold-snaps. ."-Norristown Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

A lynching might be called an out
burst of riot-ous indignation.-Texas
Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

What's in a namei About the
Hottest country on the globe is Chill.
San Francisco Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

A real case of bray-in and muscle
is seen in the mule.-Boston Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Straight whiskies make crooked
roads.-Fall River Advance.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

What is a luxury? asks an ex-
change. A luxury is something you
don't want until you see somebody
else with it.-Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

The spirit of the press-cider.-
Boston Globe.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

A Paris young lady, who is engaged
to gambler, calls him her beau high
deal.-Paris Beacon.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Made of awl work-a pair of shoes.
Oil City Derrick. When not made
by machinery.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11
AYERS
Cherry Pectoral.

No other complaints are so insidious In their
attack As those affecting the throat and lungs,
zone so triHed with by the majority OF suffer-
a.. The ordinary cough or cold, resulting
norh,n. from . trining or unconscious ex-
,,os,rs a. n, zen but tho beginning Of fatal
sickness. Ayrk's CHERRY PICTORIAL has
we'll proven its efic. .>cy in forty years fight
with throat and lung diseases, and should bs
taken in all cases without celay.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11
Group. "A Mothers Tribute.

Group. "A Mothers Tribute.
"while In the country last winter my little
boy, three years old, was taken III with Group;
IL seemed as u no would die from strangu-
OF AYERS CHERRY PICTORIAL, o bottle OF
which was always kept In tho house. This
was tried in small and frequent doses, and
TO our delight In less than half an hour the
littlc patient was breathing easily. The doe
tor said that tho CHERRY PICTORIAL had
saved my darling's life. Can you wonder ~
our gratitude? Sincerely yours,
100 West 12sth St., New York, May l6, ies1.
"I have used AYERS CHERRY PICTORIAL
in my family for several years, and do not
hesitate to pronouncc 70 the most eneetual
remedy for coughs and colds we have ever
tried. a. y. CRANE.
Lake Crystal, Minn., March Is, 1852.
"Isuffered for eight years from Bronchitis.
and after trying many remedies with no sue
cess, was cured by the use OF AYERS CHR
ny PICTORIAL. JOSEPH WALDEN
Dyhalla, Miss, April s. 1851.
"I cannot say enough IN praise Of AyKss
CurRRY PrcTonAL, believing ss ! do that
but for its use should long since have disd
Palestine. Texas, April "a, 1852.
No case OF an affection Of the throat or
lungs exists which cannot be greatly relieved
by the use OF AYERS CHERRY PKcroRAL,
and II will ai,cays cure when the disease u
not already beyond the control Of medicine.
rREPAnxp 1T
Dr.. Aver 4 Co., Lowell, Mace.
sold ~ ali pruegiso.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

Ssme one wants to know how to
deaden the sound of plane. One
good plan would be to kill the player.
Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11
WIT AND HUMOR.

We neve. peak as we pass by,
Altho' . tear bedims his eye;
know he thinks Of when he wrote
His name across my three months note.
The Judge.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11

"a fellow Phelan makes us Won
drous kind, remarked O'Donovan
Rosa "two of kind, in fact. -
Brooklyn Eagle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11
A Terrible Cough Cured.

"In 1857 took severe cold, which ahccted
nv lungs. had terrible cough, and passed
night after night without sleep. The doctors
gave mo up. / tried AYERS CHERRY PIC.
TonAL, which relieved my lungs, induced
sleep, and afforded me the rest necessary
continued use OF the fEcToEAL q perma-
ncnt cure was effected. j am now 81 years
old, hale and hearty, and am satisfied your
CHERRY PICTORIAL saved me.
HORACE FAIRDRoTnER."
Rockingham, VI, July IS, 1852.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-03-11
Advertising Ratos.

line.
Local Notices ton cents per line for each inssr-
tion.
Prices and Terms alike to all.
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03

Eyes there are," exclaims the officer,
pulling from around the tiunkey's feet
two beautiful horse blank ITS. 1.-The
time is up and you must come to the
Office
Mr.. Bergh talks pretty plainly to
the man and lets him go. There is no
further trouble about that team.
The red wagon proceeds uptown by
way of the thoroughfares where traffic IS
the heaviest. stopping cars, stages and
vehicles of every kind whenever lame
or disabled horses are attached to
them, and compelling them to substi-
tute sound animals in their stead. BY
ten o'clock a. m. the office is again
reached. and the ''Old Gray has made
a circuit of the city and assisted in his
humble but very useful way. in the pre-
ventiOn of great amount of cruelty.
In their rounds the officers have ac-
complished as much good and done as
much work as is often otherwise per-
formed in a week. To the brutal fell
low whacking his horse with whip or
club or driving his SICK and suffer ne
steed until it is a mass of bleeding
sores, and to all the enemies of dumb
creatures in general there is no sight
more unwelcome or more feared than
the .-Old Gray" of the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.-M
T. Herald.
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03
THOMAS II. BENTON.

A Reminiscence Suggested by the vital
Endurance of General Grant.
In the years 1883 Colonel Benton
resided in house No. 334 c street
northwest. now known as Frank lin S
House." and recently occupied by the
Hon. Mr.. Greenleaf, member of the
last Congress. In this house he ex-
PRED April 10. 1858 at the age of sew
enty-six years. For the last two years
of his life he devoted himself to literary
pursuits, which commenced before he
had entirely closed his active pol teal
career. In this period he completed his
great work. Thirty Years View. "
wrote a remarkable paper on the
..Dred Scott Decision. and COM
menced the herculean task of condens-
ing the debates of Congress, which
he finally completed down to the COM
promise measures of 1850.
During his last winter death daily
stared him in the face. and was only
kept at bay by the almost invincible
will of Benton. Suffering intently at
times from a compl cation of disease
he nevertheless retained his faculties
unimpaired to the last, and on the very
morning of the day of his death sat
propped up in his bed and read and
corrected with his own hand the
closing proof-sheets of the Con
densed Debates" The faculty had
not then discovered the recent arts
for prolonging life at the expense of a
bodily stupor and clouded mind.
Benton bore with surpris ng equanim-
ity the intl .ctions OF nature without
the interference of the new system of
dealing with patients on the verge of
the grave. and being left to himself
was enabled by his great vitality to
comnle;e his literary designs.
General Grant has displayed an equal
vitality, power of endurance. consid-
ering what he suffers. both from ma
ture and art, almost without parallel.
But yet it will sprobably become a
cause of unfailing regret to the world
that he will not be able to complete his
great literary work. 1.-The History of
the War OF the Rebellion" embracing
his autobiography in connection there
with. Yet how could the result be
otherwise? S nee no amount of hu-
man vitality. will-power, or tcnacity of
life could cope with the accumulated
troubles of body and mind VIII Oh have
ly he sinks into the last slumber; while
a helpless nation waits weeping at his
bedside. and the world mourns great
soul departing.-C0r. National Repu6-
lican.
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03
PITH AND POINT.

in this country any man who plays
fiddle, trains dogs. or teaches skat-
ing, is professor. ~ q. ficay-
nne.
What IS it that determines girl
popularity in society,"" asks cotem-
porary. In nine tines out of ten it ID
the S re of her fathers bank account.
-korrist6ion Herald.
Master: What does Condillac say
about brutes i'm the scale of being?"
Scholar: He says brute is an inn
perfect animal" .'And what is MANI"
..Man is a perfect brute"
There is place like your home. "
says the poet Right. unless it's tEa
home of the young man you're after.
This is, of course, an except on. fu-
ture poets will please to note it.-Ca,-
caqo TriLuae.
We note that at the dinner given
to that actor in New York recently,
Willie Winter read poem to Henry
Irving We also note that Henry Irv-
ing sailed for England early the next
morning. y WASHINGTON Critic.
The elephant can 60. A very good
ivory is now made from bones and
scraps of sheepskin. The next inn
provement will be the playing of the
game of billiards by machinery. When
this is done young men can stay at
home and improve their minds.-N o.
Picayune.
"A lamented citizen of Montana,
whose passion for horses led him out to
the end of a convenient bough. and
whose ultimate views of life were taken
through slip-noose. declared it to be
his conviction (Which was unanimous)
that this world is all hemp-tie show.
N. Y. Independent.
"A boy once lived in house so
hemmed in by factories that sunshine
rarely reached his play-room. One day
little, narrow beam of light shone
through window-pane. and auivered
and danced on the bare wall The child
was filled with del ght. Putting his
little hand on the sunbeam, he cried:
'.Run quick. mammal Bring . ham
mer and nail! I'll hold it while you
nal it, so we can keep it always. y
Golden Days.
-'.Why can not women make good
lawyers?" asks an exchange. We never
gave the subject much thought. but we
suppose it is because they can't sit on
the small of their backs, pile their feet
on table. spit halfway across the
room into a box full of sawdust and
charge fifteen dollars minute for it.
There may be some minor reasons in
addit on. but these appear to us to be
the principal obstacles in the way OF
her success at the bar. - Brooklyn
Eagle.
"A discussion of the question of EN-
ployment for women at the South has
brought out objections, either practical
or fanciful, to pretty much everything
that has been suggested. Whereupon
the Charleston News propounds to the
latest critic this tough question: .ln
what occupation can n woman engage
without knowledge or training or ex-
perienoe?n From . somewhat extern
sive observation of society we should
say that matrimony would about fill
the bill.-Boston Herald.
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03
FUTURES.

Building On Them. Like Buying Them On
Change, Is, In the Long Run, "A Losing
Buainess.
Building ON futures, Ike buying fu-
lures on Change, is. in the long run. a
losing business, especially to men who
do not stand in with the potentates.
What we mean by building on futures
lis the establishing industries on the
contingencies of wars and rumors OF
wars, or Of any unusual stimuli to de-
mand and supply. An industry that is
worth establishing and maintaining in
this or any other country. is worth
planting on soil where 1t Will grow and
flourish in peace as well as in war. To
build. then, upon anything but those
stable laws, which will always exist,
let the wide world wag as it will, is
ruinous in the end. At this very day
our people are dreaming of enormous
gains from war in the East-a war
which. many have argued themselves
into believing is already practically in
augurated. As il stands, war is by no
means q certainty, even though it be
probable, and If it is not probable
and does not occur. the release
from our oyer-stimulative expecta-
tons win only embitter the
hard times upon u.s. There
Is unquestionably between Eng
land and Russia an antagonism of COM
mercial interests, of race, and of re-
ligion, and these difference are to be
settled sooner or later; but whether
they are to be settled by war or diplo-
macy, even these powers cannot tell
rs. Be this as it may, our obligation to
our oy Z interests is to pursue that even
tenor. which looks to farther future. q
more solid prosper ty than the collision
of rival nations can avail us. Let us
bu Id on NO chimeras, no future con-
tingenc es. but upon the sol advance
ment of everyday wants and realit es.
That business which depends on unnat-
ural stimulating causes for its success
popular though it may be among a
certain class counts victims by the
hundred for every single case Of sue
cess. Healthy business results in the
greatest happiness to the greatest num-
Der. and it can not exist except 1t be
built on . healthy basis.-LiUe Stock
Journal
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03

now" Qaying his hand upon his faith
er's shoulder) ''here he sits '
Papa cried the amazed children
were you the poor little boy?'
But what became of the poor Can
tain, who was so cruel?' asked l;,ti.
Helen, wistfully.
"Why, here he sits" said her father
grasping the story-tellers hand. sand
he's the best friend have in the world y
-Harper's Young People.
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03
SAW THE JUDGE.

The Pointer That Didn't Materialixe
When the Cause Was Tried. =
Nat Mitchell, who lives out on the
Coon Creek road. went into the SUI
preme Court room. and. seeing q
pleasant-looking gentleman sitting
with his feet on the table, the visitor
asked:
..Are you the Supreme ledge o the
State?'
..Yes, sir.
.Would you be kind enough to give
ME a little advicep don't mean give il
to me. exactly. for l am willin' to pay
for it,"
..State your case"
you've got a suit here. May flower
VS.. Hall. The people out in my neigh
borhood are mighty interested in that
suit, an eff / knowed exactly how il
was goin' to be decided / mout win Z
right sharp pile o. money on il. You
Jest tell me how she's goin' an I'll slip
back an take all the bets ken git
"Of course. know how the suit will
be decided, but it would hardly be
right for me to tell you in advance"
Yes, but I'll make it all right I'll
give you half O. what win."
II never accept contingent fee.
Tell you what I'll do. /"
..Out with it"
Give me q hundred dollars and I'll
give you the necessary pointer"
"Say seyenty-ivep
..No."
Ninety"
II see you don't care to trade"
well, here's hundred"
Nov, sir. you 60 home and bet on
Hail.
The suit was decided in favor oi
Mayfiower. Several days later, while
the Judge was sitting in his room, MAJ
Mitchell Knocked at the door.
They told me that the Supreme
Judge was in here" said he.
well. am the man."
.You amt the man I'm after.
luther day Teller that claimed to BIZ
the Jedge said he would tell me how q
certain case would go if I would
give him a hundred. I give him
the hundred, went home, mort.
gagged my farm for three thousand
dollars. an bet the whole amount the
way that blamed Teller said. Now look
at me. Amt got money enough to gel
bite to eat. If steamboats, was sellin'
for ten cents a hundred. couldn't bug
q pilot house. want thai man. I'd
like to wallow around here awhile with
him. He amt the Jedge. then. reck
on
mo"
"Ah, hah! I reckon that he was some
teller that stepped in"
II suppose that he was"
Come in, may be. when everybody
else had gone to dinner"
Very likely"
well. believe I'll poke on round
awhile. II see him I'll show him wha
q pity it is that men amt honest.
KANT bear to see . dishonest man
ledge; and above all, do think tina
our public men should be above sus
picion-
As n tchell went into . restaurant Il
sec If the proprietor would trust hin
TOR meal. . pleasant looking man VIII,
had played the s.Jedge." slipped os
the back door-Arkansasc Trarels1
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03
Tho old saving that truth is stranger

than fiction was proven in coastine
accident at Underhill. VI frsns'o
Root, eighteen years old. being cap.
sized in some unacceuntabie way, -
his tongue under the next down-c' 'n'" =
sled, and quite large slice vs. - =
nearly taken off that it had 10 NC ia
cred. The only explanation ne eou =
give az to how his tongue could
lar away was that he was Laughing
Troy Times.
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03

A Bridgeton On. j. man n H.
planted over 200. 900 cocoanuts .. tse
cayne Bay. Fla. and will MAJ :,
number !, 6OO. 600 before he stops oPss
The southern sentinel. (Winnfield, La.) 1883-1910, 1885-07-03

Ere to the oil, and then open the traps.
II dos the Same thing in Italy," is
tie explanation often given BY the
offenders.
II the weather Is severe and any
canary birds or cogs are found on the
streets for sale, the dealers are ordered
to take the poor birds or brutes home.
One OF the hardest things for the OFF,
GERS 70 succeed in getting done is the
blanketing Of horses, and the greatest
opposition to the enf0rcement Of this
order Is met with in fashionable
thoroughfares. The Inverted flunkeys
who stand in front Of the large dry
goods stores on Br0adwAy with their
clipped teams take il very much 10
heart to be ordered to blanket them.
Many q them come over from En-
gland. and they declare the order to be
- blarsted outrage-never card Of
such things hat 'cme." One Of these
fellows. elegantly dressed. with boots
and spurs. fur collar, oockado and al.
y told to blanket his tsam-
what ~ ell his hit your business. :"
10 replies to IT, Officer.
''Nevsr mind. IN give you tkree
minutes 10 do Il -
~ ~ ed a the three minutes
turnkey just begins 10 move.
Ikeso Aaint hsDy blaDkees hanv
~. - ssya
The Waco daily examiner. [volume] (Waco, Tex.) 187?-1888, 1885-06-07

Grand order of odd Fellows. had II
parade and picnic at Proctor spring
Yesterday The procession was
formed nu Bridge street, in front of
the haH. and headed toy the oriental
rornct baud marched through the
principal streets. thence ont 10 The
springs. arriving ON the grounds
there were different auusemcnt>
aud aiirrWard, magnificent Lunch
was spread, aud every one had
plenty. and there was enough Ia
pare public in-tilla,ion OF oil
,or- wa h,ul nj Rirhry hall last night
and quite barge crowd was present
to .Wituc~, the ceremonies. The lodge
IN thi-I i-iu ilouri-Aing condl-
iinu. gud ihr mrmhor, take - great
dcH' of interest 10 their tuisation
h. uu' , ,.-lrr,ir. "tl.t du ID D.
r. r- ar. Gpr-, rrr-
The Waco daily examiner. [volume] (Waco, Tex.) 187?-1888, 1885-06-07

Ne Rest pr,lDI Comp0uu- Ec,t Drilled soldier
. be- among thr many attraction.
AND IN 4. RI. g. a. -ntdttr- 100 HiIftru. g. Hn
ug the tine drilling. and al thee ,Hmc tnr visit
CO.. ruc ru1ul of Nnnp-er. uou
The Waco daily examiner. [volume] (Waco, Tex.) 187?-1888, 1885-06-07
LADIES' WEAR DEPARTMENT.

In this department prepared thcmunc demand
oi o Encouraged 10y the
to keen, Offering still Inducements.
forbid nuncang prices it Will take tlc cntlr,
which costly, enable dc-I, 'h
marked down All with
and @ di,-atiNied
The Waco daily examiner. [volume] (Waco, Tex.) 187?-1888, 1885-06-07

He that hath no music IN rs soul
Us ~ ilr LreAsOn. slTAtAEnln and .nniI.

So Shakespeare said and his head
was level. For the latcs gems in M
sirumental and vocal music 90 Ia +
Van Duzers.
The Waco daily examiner. [volume] (Waco, Tex.) 187?-1888, 1885-06-07

D..
M'--i, liA.iiHF, 'i. A.'NH,l-
H,i- AH" VI. I'''.''i,-. 'I "' a''
NH, ,l .,.t.I .... No.. -...,'..f
had KILLED a deputy -hrrinof Ea.ouc
count, ncnr Nl1rrnn M unou ,r.i,r.
da,. Thename ofthc deputy ,Lcriil-
,ouli NOT be- learned. hui Inc emil.
men said they thoughtit wa, Pedro
and he lived NJ Whitncy in inn
The Waco daily examiner. [volume] (Waco, Tex.) 187?-1888, 1885-06-07
LOW PRICES CLEAR AWAY ALL COMPETITION

wd cl o kin d lageo
man Gre
in order rC ands 1ther
our Mammoth determined maket d GHenn O
Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1885-09-17
Pro Bono PnbIico.

I Bernstein, the One Price Clothier, is daily
receiving his fall and winter stock of mems
and boys clothing. Large lines of suits and
overcoats for men, boys and children. Heavy
underwear of all kinds, single pants and vests
working pants and overalls. is not neces-
ary to state that Bernstein keeps the largest
and best assortment of Clothing 10 town, and
the only exclusive Clothing House as spec
ialty. I find no occasion to change my mode
of doing business, which l commenced here
eight years ago, and / do not intend to ever
change it, as it is founded ON immutable
principles: Square dealing, very low prices
for cash, and One Price to. all alike" My
trade, ON these principles, is sticking to me,
and increasing, because they find that by
dealing with me they get full value for thei1
money, and save at least Twenty-Five per cent
on all the clothing they buy of me. '5l5 8
aga1tJ kll, tijn 3i;a 8. BERNSTEIN,
40 2t i%~Fiith} vr One Price Clothier.