The Monitor. [volume] (Woodstown, N.J.) 1884-1892, 1885-12-11
BERDETTE DIsCOURsETH ON RAEE.-
WAY BOREs.
The Classes of People You Can Meet
Upon the Trains.


Now there abideth on the railway car,
and travel up and down the land therein,
the citizen whose name is Legion VIII
liam II. II. Legion, of Legiouyille Legion
county, and this is the manner Of man he
/ is:
I One Of him talketh politics. From the
time he getteth upon the train until lie
steppeth eff he talketh the local politics of
Deddangon county into the weary ears of
/ the stranger from Farther India. who
knoweth about American politics far less
than the pig at the corn pen knoweth about
the new star in Andromeda.
And another of him is the man who gets
carried by. Never a train yet run upon
wheels that did not carry some man by.
The brakeman, with the rich tenor voice,
opens the front door and shrieks,
in ear splitting falsetto, Wood laun!
Woodlawn" Then the brakeman with
the deep bass voice, opens the door and
roars. Wood lawn WOODLAND The
train boy goes down the aisle with his
books and apples and squeaks, Wood
lawnwoodlaHn. Finally enters the con-
ductor, who says in tones of impressive
dignity and official authority Wood lawn:
Wo0d lawn The train stops. The pas
senger raises window and looks out at
the village Ten miles farther on the brake
man with the tenor voice opens the door,
cinder flies down his throat and chokes his
utteranee, he gasps feebly and inarticu-
lately, ''Winsheruncshun. The astonish-
ed passenger springs to his feet. win
chester Junction. he howls; why in the
name Of goodness didn't you tell me when
we came to Woodlawn9 III report you
for neglecting to call out stations; see if i
DON'T
And there is the man who gets off the
train every time it stops, PUSHES down the
platform, gets in everybody's way, forces
his way into the waiting-room while every
body else is trying to get out, peers into
the ticket Offices, always wants to know
''Where the mischief the telegraph opera
tor is - Never reads a telegram; never
knows what to say if the operator is at his
post; always peeps into the baggage ear to
see if lie can discover his own trunk which
was put on ten hours and $50 miles ago;
gets thumped with trunks and pinchcd
by trucks; gets deeper in the way every
time he tries to get out of it; never sees
anybody he knows on the whole trip, and
would be amazed if he did and rides in
his seat so little of the time that it doesn't
pay him to claim it when he sees any one
else in it, although that is the only time
Ne wants it.
And there is the man who is familiar
with all the train men; he calls the con
ducter George and the brakeman
Johnny and addresses the walters at
the dining station by their first names. If,
however, he speaks to fellow passenger
he calls him, Say, You He stops the
conductor when that official is the busiest
to ask him about brakeman on freight
trains of whom the conductor had never
heard; nor any other man, possibly. He
calls the length of the car to the newsbny
to know when We pass 'ninety-seven, and
if bill Stunt is runnin' her to-day ?" His
whitening contempt for passengers is some
thing UNNECESSARILY painful to the unhappy
people who are Obliged to travel. This
man, whom yon have often met. has two
or three origins. He usually travels on
trip pass, and used to sweep ont the general
offices when the regularly ordained janitor
had to take the superintendent place.
He isn't a railroad man, but he'd give both
his legs if he could make people think he
is
There are two men in seat near the
stove exchanging recipes for rheumatism
and other ills, to which human flesh is
heir. One of them had the flanders all
last spring. They ''come onto him just
as he was getting over a spell of neural
agy'' and left him just in time for two
weeks ''rassel weth lumbago in the spine
in the back. That isn't what ails him
now, though. It's this ''miasmia in his
system and the things he has been and is
yet taking for it are numerous enough
and various enough to kill off county
almshouse. The other man had a Una
lignant tumor'' on his hip all winter, and
the only thing his doctor could do with it
was to throw him into "a bronchial fever
the effects of which were still painfully APP
parent in ehilblains aud ''execrated sore
throat" Every time he ''swollers' he'd
''druther diem swoller agin. So these
ing each other infallible cures for all the
things the other man has.
And then there are four other people ON
the train; they are ON every train that
ever turned wheel-the two young mar
ried people who have just been married,
and the omnipresent other two young peo-
ple-the two who want to be married.
THINK A MOMENT.