Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-10-04
WIT AND HttNOi..

| Inventor phlZ.- boston iOSt.
1t is rule the world over that where
woman Is lovely her immediate male
| concomltants are on the other extreme
-1honasUHte (Ga.) Enterprise.
Doctor-"for dinner take forty min.
| utes.n
| 1imid patient Would il be danger.
| ous to add Il piece Of meat and some
| 'egetableF F'--JcWtSh Messenger.
"a scrvant-girl who permits no
familiarity on the part Of the gentle.
man OF the house" advertised for
place in Cincinnati, and received $50
answers in two days-all from ladies.
A Pittsburg baseball club is called
the -Four Aces" The other day
little nine-spot club came along and
euchered them. They didn't suppose
1t was 'in the cards. ~ -AorriStoWn
Heraid
News from London says the demand
for the revised Bible was very disap.
pointing to the publishers. Perhaps a
new novel by Ouida or NJ. lola was
thrown on the market about the same
time. .-N0rrtst0Un Herdid.
The revised version has it that "all
Is vanity and striving after wind"
There must have been theatrical mana
gers in those days AS well as now,
whose greatest object in life was the
newspaper puff. "-PecE'S Sun.
OF the nine great musical composers
OF Germany not one of them had face
an average man would like to meet on
lonely road at twiight's solemn
hour. He could count on either being
dunncd or thumped. "A sour Crtttc'S
Opinion.
'ls that the crowd going out to the
races, or is 1t ratification meetingP'
Neither, stranger; that man walking
so fast in front is country merchant;
the 100 other fellows you see are drum
mers. They'll get him stranger. -
Courter-JournaL.
Boarding house mistress-"Poor
little fellow! He has been overcome by
the heat. He's SO weak I'll have to
carry him to bed Boarder-'.Why
not take this cup of coffee with youP
It's good deal weaker than the boy
is -ihttadekphta CAL.
Boss, hab you got any OBJ dem con-
found cavortic pills?"
Yes. DO you want them plain or
coatedP'
'Dunno: want dem ones what's
white-washed.'
lie got EN-. 1eraS Sytings.
A Western citizen who had been
worsted i'll light was told that he
could collect damages, Il did collect
damages, )" he replied mournfuly. al
collected everything but piece of NV
left ear and two front teeth; couldn't
find those. '-NeU York Times.
A little boy in town said the other
day that he had seen all kinds of birds.
giving in his list "wuodpcckers.
'woodchuckors, and dictionaries
After much questioning it was found
that he meant by the latter "Dick-cana-
ries. "--Lawrence (.NaSS.) .4mericays.
During the Summer season the daily
papers in the largest cities suspend
their Religious Intelligence column.
Something must be crowded out to
make room for the rush of baseball
news, and the least readable depart-
ment has to go.-Norr,StoIc~ Heruld.
There is at least this balm for the
beaten boating boys of Yale. Pres.
McCosh of Princeton declares that as a
the poorest scholars. 1t must seem TO
the Yale men that the Harvard fellows
cant even read and write. AeO loyk
H'orid.
Several cadets at the Naval Academy
charged with the heinous otlense of
"kiSsing their hands and in various
ways ilIriing with the pretty girls on
the steamer that passed them, are
undergoing an examination. OF course
they should be court-martialed and
shot
New York cork merchant, who
ought to know better. says: "All our
corks are taken from the bark OF the
cork oak. Nonsense. There are more
corks taken from beer and champagne
bottles in America every year than he
ever saw taken from all the oaks in the
park. BrO0tlyn E"gle.
''Do you know man by the name of
LegionP' inquired Dumley of friend.
'Legion? No, never heard of him."
jenkins told me last night that |
had been called the biggest fool jack
ass on earth. and when demanded The
mans name he said it was Legion. I'm
looking for him. "--Puck.
New York papers tell of "a corpse
held for debt" We shouldn't think it
would be much trouble to hold
corpse. Ii some OF the live men of that
city who are in debt to bank deposit
ors could be held long enough to
prevent them from skipping to Canada
it would be better. NOryiStOUH Heraid
Some parties in Hickman, Ky claim
to have captured a monster catfish, in
the masticating sack OF which they
found 500 in gold and $3.50 in silver
tied up in a rag. 1t looks rs if this was
another queer fish, probably President
of a marine bank-one of the banks Of
the Mississppi-on his way to Canada.
IeLaS Sytnags.
There is only one thing that makes
ME doubt the truth Of the gospel, said
Cross when Ross, who is an earnest de-
votee, was trying to persuade his
friend to turn from the error of his
ways.
What is that?' asked Ross.
"Ihe apostles were nearly all Usher
44en. st. Pam He,ah
They are making door with five
keyholes," said Mrs, Auger, What's
the use in having so many?' asked
Mr.. Auger. 'lt will be much easier to
unlock. You can find 1t much more
easily when you come home Late re-
piled the kind lady. "Rubbish!' re-
sponded Mr.. Auger. "Idiocy! When
! come home late one kcyhole is about
oil care to find. "-PucE.
Florence Marryat says there is to be
q race for supremacy between the SEXES,
and that men will never be inspired
with a proper regard for women until