Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1885-01-01
lRONICAL GIFT GIVING.
A FEW OF THE "MIsFITS" FROM
SANTA CLAUS LONG LIST.
The Genius of the Inappropriate on Hs
Christmas Round-The Ceaseless
Stream of Time-The
/ New Year.
[Original.l

Many mortals awoke this morning to
find themselves the victims of Santa Claus
terrific irony. Their gifts fit in the places
he assigned them about as comfortably as
round pins in square holes. At first they
will not notice the incongruities of the old
gift-giving goblin, but as the day wears on
and the blustsr and effervescence Of it
settles down a little their eyes will be
opened.
The ghastly collection of ''misfts" in the
gift line which Christmas is sure to bring is
a greater curiosity than a religious cowboy.
And yet, for the most part. they were given
in ISood faith. with ustaining conviction
the donors souls ihat they we're aptly
chosen.
The young man who is studying for the
Einistry leads off in shis fantastic process.
sion. His sisters, his cousins and his aunts
present him with 2lammoth bible, gilt
edged and stuck full Of embroidered mark
ersL 1t is an elegant and most expensive
gift; far too fine for daily thumbing, toe
richly mounted for any save ornamental
purposes
The grateful recipient lives in q cofin-like
room in humble boarding house. Moth
ing in the nature of table is among the
furniture of his den, and all his worldly
possessions are environed in one small trunk.
Into this trunk goes the big bible, well
wrapped up. The young man wants to treat
it with due respect-he is even anxious to
consider it a blessing, but he is agonizsd
when he discovers that it takes up half the
room in the faithful trunk Hereafter,
when he changes his residence be will pack
the bible in the trunk and carry his other
effects in shawl stap. He has no use for
the elegant bible, because, as q matter OF
course, he wouldn't begin the study Of the
ology without a staunch pocket bible. per-
haps two or three OF them, that can endure
any amount of rough handling. These are
features of the case his kind relatives never
see. They rest in tn comforting belief that
in sending him the ponderons bible they
have given him lift heavenward.
He knows that they have made sacrifices
in order 20 bestow this burdensope gift upon
him, and lie affects an almost delirious graft
tude when he acknowl dges the present, be
cause he is anxious to be properly appreci
dl1N6- Illus IOcS the RODU OduId SlduS
help to distort the truth IN his zeal to give
pleasure.
Next comes the bedriddeR old man whose
small grandson delightediy sent him a new
and serviceable lantern, a thing he has
about as much use for as pigeon has for q
pair of rubber shoes.
After him comes a fine old Teuton who
Aoa-,,ff L ~ oh h.
of gift giving reached its ultimate when he
received new Webster's unabridged die
tionary from his wife, who knows no Eng
lish either. Except, perhaps, for pipe
lighters he cannot utilize the present at all
The young man who has but one photo
graph and that his own, receives photo
graph album as big as "a trundle bed. He
lives in a sparsely furnished room, with
three comrades, and is obliged to send his
present away to be sta lled like horse
A decrepit old man, without a tooth in
his head, was bumiliated half to death on
receiving a gold tooth pick, the gift of
nephew who ha6n' tseen him in fifteen years.
but mad selected the present on the fatter-
ing assumption that it would be the appro.
pirate thing.
An elegantly-bound set Of Shakespeare
gravitated to a woman who never reads
anything but the weather indications She
wouldn't read them only she aims to save
her best bonnet from elemental inclemencies
The man in straitened circumstances, who
has not owned full-dress suit for years,
will be given an assortment of pearl-colored
satin neckties, together with two or more
delicate embroidered silk handkerchief
He files the gifts away, like the memory of
better and brighter days, and wonders, half
sadly, how his well-meaning friends could
have failed to see how inappropriate and
even painful were their gifts.
The miraculously plain woman has some
kind but thoughtless friend who sends her
magnificent hand mirror, plush-covered and
oruamented. For some reason, known only
to Santa Claus and the maker OF mirrors,
that particular mirror e1aggerstes her every
-1sfsct. and at lastshs gets u into heT beas