The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1885-05-03


matches to light his taper and searching in
every corner he could think of for the sealing
wax; though why he should seal it he could not
have explained 1t was mark of special
solemnity in keeping with the great
crisis and the state of mind in which he was
Afterwards he sat down again, and thought
long and very gravely. He went over the posi-
ton In every possible point of view. There could
not be more hopeless one. Betrothed to
woman ne loved and approved with every faculty
or his being, yet married to one whom he did not
pretend to love- for whom, at the best, he had no
feeling above pity-and at the worst There
began to penetrate into his brain, unused to such
thoughts. dull suspicion that he might have
been all through the victim of cheat; but IL ala
not make much difference, and he felt no resent
ment, nothing but a profound sensation of hope
iessness, past help or care. Whether 1t was de-
ceptlon all through, or whether it was the Judg-
ment of God upon him. who had sinned and had
not suffered, and had been on the edge OF
winning, he SO unworthy, the best that man
an have in this world-it did not seem to mat
ter much. In either case the result was the
same-that here he stood with life made impos-
sble to him, with blank wall before him and
nothing to be done, way of deliverance nor
even of escape. He looked out in that curious
blank way over the future, asking himself what
it would be his duty to do. 1t would be his duty
to take her away to a warm country, as her doc
tor had said-to give her all the care that she re-
quired, every luxury" these were the words
else would be inhuman. And as for Grace-ah,
for Grace. To him she must henceforth be
sacred thing apart He must not see her, speak
to her. lean his heart upon her eyermore. That
was all ended-ended and over. He had written
long letter to his brother5in-law telling
him all the circumstances. He was not
who could go with deceits and false pre-
lenses, trying miSerably to stand between one
and another. He might have done that, per-
haps for time might have beguiled Grace
loft nd nv falS
his detention in London, his absence from her;
but to what goodl One day or other it would all
have to be disclosed, that it evident
that this woman was not going to die; however
long he might fight it off, the necessity would
come at last. And it was better that she should
know now than only at the moment when he
should be leaving England with his wife. His
wife! Oh, terrible word; oh, awful, impossible
fate!
This sudden realization OF what was before
him maIe.his mind start like FESTIVE horse.
and he found hisaself once more before that
blank. 1t would be hts duty to do it, and he
could not do it. He did not triae with himself
nor elude this question any more rhaa he could
deceive the woman he loved. He looked out GroA
what was before him, and he said to himself
that he could not do it-he could not pretend to
do it. Other men might have the courage, but
not he. There was only the towards remedy
remaining to him, only the base mans way, to
turn and flee. He had written it all in his letter
to Ford although it seemed to him that when he
wrote that letter he had not so clearly perceived
that there was only one thing to do. He had bid
den his brOther-ln-law secure living somehow
for the wretched creature who bore his name,
to use the little he would leave for her, and to
exc it out, or, hnally-with the boldness of
man whom earthly motives had ceased to sway
to put this last terrible legacy in the hands of
Grace Il know she will do it," he had said.
He knew she would do it. God bless her She
would understand why, of all dreadful things,
he dared to ask that of her. and she would do it.
That was all there could be to arrange before
Oliver was not of that mind that is the mode
of the present period. He no doubter. He
believed in the canon against self slaughter, as
well as in righteousness and judgment to GOMEZ
but there is something in the unutterable sensa
tions with which man finds himself thus placed
before evils which are too many for him,
driven to the last extremity, and I'M
which works a strange change upon his
mind on this as on other matters of faith.
When we are doing any act in our own person
it never se.ns so strange to US. so unnatural as
when we contemplate 1t from the point of view
of another man. He did not think either of the
sin or of the cowardice. He thought only of the
last resort, the last way of escape from that
which was intolerable, which was more than
man could do To describe the way by which
man comes to this point, to entertain the idea of
ending his own life, is impossible. Those who
are brought so far seldom survive to tell how it
has been. 1t seemed TO Oliver something like the
arising and going to the Father Of the prodigal
God, it seemed to him. would under
stand it all; the confusion in his soul,
the intoerabeness. the impossibility Though
everyone else misunderstood God would
understand; and as for the punishment
that might follow, he thought he could take that
like man. No punishment could be equal to
this He would say that he did not mean to
avoid punishment, that he ready for any
thing, only not this; not the CHASTITY life which
was insupportable, not the falsehood. not the
treachery. Suffering, honest suffering, yes
torments if God thought it worth the trouble
anything except this which was more than he
could bear. His mind was all wrong, confused
supplied with all that had happened to him, and
with the turning upside down Of all his purposes
and the bitter ending to what had been good
impulse, surely good impulse, an i'm
pulse of pity without consideration of
himself; also with the wretched state in
which he had been living, the want of food the
want of sleep, the sense of treachery to all
he loved the union TO all he loathed; it was all
intolerable, insupportable, turning his brain.
He had pair of pistols in his room-pretty
toys, decorated with silver wrought in delicate
desgns-which some one had given to him. He
took them down and opened the box and exam
ined them curiously to see how they worked and
that all was in order He looked at the little
bullet which could do so much, and weighed it in
his hand with dazed smile, and a kind of
strange amusement So little-and yet in this
lay that for which not all the wealth of the
world could nnd an antldote. he charged them
both with smile at himself for that too think
ing how very unlikely it was that the two would
be wanted. and feeling almost something of the
pleasure with which boy prepares his first shot,
with half horror half delight. And then he
thought how it would be best to do it, He did
not want to dis6gure himself unnecessarily, to
go through all eternity with bound up jaw,
like-who was it, Robespierre. This brought a
sort Of smile upon his face, for he knew that it
was folly to think of Robespierre-for all etern.
ity-with his face bound up; and yet was amused
10 think of that awful, grotesoue figure and to
determine that he should not be like that The
temple or behind the ear that was the better
way, and then there would be no Disagreement
The hair would hide the wound, and Grace would
see him and not be horrifed-not horrifed-only
perhaps broken hearted. But that had to be,
any way.
Would he hear the report as sound travels be-
fore his senses were all stilledl He heard some
thing, a jar and tinkl0 which made him start at
the very moment when he felt the cold mouth of