Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1885-02-13
FUN
A New Crime Under the Sun.

A New Crime Under the Sun.
When old Anderson Brumley announc-
ed himself as candidate for justice OF the
peace, the people of Buck Short township
felt that the time when they were to have
an able and upright administration OF
judicial affairs had arrived. Old BruTnley
had never opened a law book; therefore he
was regarded as honest. He had never
hesitated to take off his coat ard fight the
best man in the neighbo1hood; therefore
he was considered able. He had never
been backward in denouncing his enemies;
consequently he was regarded as citizen
of wisdom. With these omplishments.
his election, in the expressive parlaace CT
politics, was walk over" Shortly af-
ter Brumley took his seat on the red oak
woolsack, man named Billy Malone was
arrested for stealing grindstone.
s'This here is mighty important case, :"
said the magistrate, when the culprit had
been arraigned before court. I'm looking
over these law books, don't find no men,
tion of grind stones. II was big over
sight in our legislature not to put down
grind stones 10 the books, fur it mout
have been knowed that some blamed ras-
cal in this part O. the State was a goin' to
steal one. Folks in this here part of the
country, let me tell you, will steal any
thing. Wa al in the absence o. any sta
tuary barin' on the subjeck, reckon I'll
make this here charge manslaughter in
the first degreee."
Your HONOR said lawyer, "that
would bs impossible"
Wood it?' Wa'al, I'll just show you
] IN running this here court"
"Your HONOR
"Call me jedge, If you please.''
"Well; Judge. there is no such thing as
manslaughter in the first degree"
''Ain't there? Well, I'll just show you
/ IN runnin' this here court. Prisoner at
the bar, I've longed fur opportunity O.
teachin' lesson to the Iisin' gineration.
You have given me that chance. [ don't
delight in SEEM man fall from grace,
but when he does fall, thar amt nothin as
pleases me SO much as to tangle my hands
+ in the ruffiss o. his calico shirt. Man
slaughter is very serious charge, young
man."
81 amt slaughtered no man Yit, jedge +"
''Shet yer mouth, impudent violator O.
. the sacred law O. the land. No matter
what you done, say 1t was manslaughter
4 in the fust degree, an when man dis
putes my word, WY he'd better wish
that his bones wuZ made outen Injun rub
Der an his back kivered with the skin G.
yalligator. Young outrager Of the prin-
ciples Of civilization, for this great crime
O. granddaughter in the fust degree. SEN
fences you to be hung next Friday.
Judge" exclaimed the lawyer, spring
ing to his feet, this proceeding IS impos
sibIe''
SIS it? Wa'al, I'll jest show you am
1unnin' this court. When you git to be
jedge won't come round tellin' you what
you can do an what you can't.'
"Great Cesar. judge. such course as
YOU are taking is violation of the State
Constitution"
us it ? Wa'all, I'll just repeal the State
Constitution right here. This Teller ought
ter be hung, an if had cotched him ten
days ago, whuther or not he had commit
ted granddaughter IN the fust degree or
stole grind stone in the second, which is
the same, [ would have sentenced him to
be hung. Mr.. Constable, take charge of
this man, and see that he IS strung up in
respectable manner. ANY lawyer who
don't want to be sarved in the same way
had better keep his mouth shet. Pm run
MIN this court. ''-ArizonG Neacs.
LET BAD ENOUGH ALoNE.-A hungry
wolf who had been bordering upon the
question of where he was to get his break
fast met spring lamb. No sooner had be
caught sight of the sheep than he pounced
upon him and began to chew his ear,
why" bleated the lamb. do you thus
chew my ear ?''
fWell, don't you like it P" asked the
wolf in surly tone. "Then I'll chew YOUR
throat" And he did so, killing the lamb
instantly.
Moral: When book agent starts in to
chew your ear walk right along and pre-.
tend not to notice him, unless you have
stuffed club, in which case you will be
justified in using the club.
II see you didn't publish my poetry
asked natural idiot of the editor.
mo, it had no meter in it,'' jokinely
responded the editor.
"The thunder it hadn't. I writ it on
purpose, and had the Teller to meet her
three times.''
About two cords of original poetry,
have been received at this office within a
few weeks. 1t may be wrong, however,
to say cords, for scarcely line of It has
any measure at all.
1.-THE Poets Grave'' is the title of some
lines in an exchange. That's what's the
matter with the average poet. He's too
grave. We prefer to have him gay and
lively, or in his grave.
A Kansas cowboy stopped stage full
OF passengers and made them wait while
he read poem of thirty-two verses. Are
cowboy outrages never to cease?
There is something peculiarly vicious
about Ohio people. An Ohio boy of nine |
PEARS is already writing poetry"