The Sunday herald. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1866-1887, 1885-07-12

Important Rules Of Conduct for Those
Who Don't Know How 60 Travel.

lBill Nye.l
Many people have travelled all their lives
and yet do not know 10 behave themselves
when on the road. For tho benefit and guild
ance Of such'these few crisp. plain, horse
sense rules Of etiquette have been framed
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn TO the
right on discovering an approaching train.
II you wish the train 10 turn out, give two
loud tocts, and get in between the rails, so
that You will not muss up the right Of way.
Many nice, new right Of way has been
ruined by getting a pedestrian tourist spat.
tered all over It's first mortgage.
IL You have been reared in extreme pow.
erty, aud your mother supported you until
You grew up and married. so that your wife
could support You, you will probably sit in
four seats at time. with your feet extended
In the aisles, so that you can wipe them of
on other people while you snore with your
month open clear to your shoulder blades.
IL you are prone 10 drop TO sleep and
breathe with low death rattle, like the ex-
haust Of a bath tub u would be good plan
to tie up your head In feather bed and
then insert the whole thing IN the linen
closet; or, IL you cannot secure that You
might stick u out Of the window and get 10
knocked off against tunnel. The stock
holders OF the road might get mad about II,
but you could do IL In such a way that they
wouldn't know whose head u was.
Ladies and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while In a beastly
state Of intoxication.
In the dining. car, while eating do not
comb your mustache with your fork BY all
means do not comb your mustache with the
fork Of another. II is better TO refrain alto
gether from combing the mustache with
fork while travelling, for the motion of the
mi nj tnv 4, fnrk fnlp 4
irritate II.
IL your dessert is very hot and you do no
discover II until you have burned the rafters
ont Of the roof Of your mouth, do not utter n
wild yell Of agony and spill your coffee all
over total stranger, but control yourself,
hoping TO know more next time.
In the morning is a good time TO find out
how many people have succeeded in getting
on the passenger train who ought to be in
the stock car.
Generally you will find one male and one
female. The man goes INTO the wash room,
battles his worthless carcase from daylight
until breakfast time, walking OH the feet Of
any man who tries 10 wash his face during
that time. He wipes himself on nine differ
ent towels, because when he gets home he
will have TO wipe his face on an old door
mat. People who have been reared on hay
all their lives generally want to fill them
selves full Of pie and collie when they travel.
The female of this same mammal goes into
the ladies' department and remains there till
starvation drives her out. Then the real
ladies have about thirteen seconds apiece in
which TO dress.
II you never rode In vanished car be-
fore, and never expect to again, you will
probably roam up and down The car, mean
dering over tho feet of the porter, while he
is making the berths. This is good way to
let people see just how little sense you had
left after your brain began TO soften.
In travelling do not take along lot of old
clothes that you know you will never wear.
Never walk through car staring every.
body out of countenance like Jim Grow
detective hunting for the James boys, but
mind your own business he quiet, polite,
and patient, and you'll be happy.