Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-01-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

tIeuove, ana when he Is ~ he thinks
her a swapping turtledoVc.
An old lady, whose grandson was
about to proceed to the Black Sea,
among other parting admonitions gave
him strict injnnctions not to bathe in
that sea, for she did not want him to
come back darkey.
After her grandmother had given her
a good scolding, little mischief was
overhead to say to herself: Somebody
is cross in this room; faint me. and
faint dolly, and faint kitty. | won
der who it is?"--H arper's Bazaar.
ION what grounds do you leave me
without the customary weeks noticeP"
Indignantly asked Thirteenth Ward
clearinghouse mistress of leaving
boarder. Coffee grounds, madam,
coffee grounds" he tartly replied.
When woman becomes so absent
minded as to forget to hold her hand
so that the light will fall on her dia-
mond ring, it is safest for her husband
TO give her wide berth. She is doing
some dangerous thinking. Fall River
Adcance.
The cause of civilization advances.
Some If the railway waiting-room
doors in Massachusetts are now marked
respectively ..Men'' and sWomen," in
stead of .sGentlemen'' and Ladies. !"
Probably no self-respecting sign-painter
ever sank to painting Scents" on sta
ton or.-Bn6alo Courier.
A Southern journalist says: eff the
Americans don't hurry up, Germans
and Englishmen will bar the way to
Mexico" Can't say as to the English,
but you can gamble ON it that if the
Germans get the least bit of encourage
ment they will bar the way to Mexico
and have their little barrel of beer on
tap under the bar, too.
Heine tells in his correspondence of a
resident of Frankfort who used to in
terlard his conversation with frequent
EXPLANATIONS of, I'm Jew, and I'm
proud of it." '.Why are you proud of
itp" finally asked some one. Because
if wasn't proud of it l should be a
Jew all the same; consequently it is to
my advantage to be proud of it. ]"
A young man once went to Vicks-
burg, Miss, and announced that he was
going to publish ''lively, spicy paper,
devoted to local affairs" Next day
several one-armed, one-legged, and
one-eyed gentlemen called ON him and
advised him not to do it, because they
had tried it and it didn't seem to suit
the people of those parts. Some peo-
pie have no idea of true humor.-Bal-
tianore american.
First bridesmaid-ssYou never tell?n
Second bridesmaid-.Of course not,
never do, you know First brides
maid-s.Well, she told me in strict con-
fidence, understand, that though Jack
was poor they were going to travel all
Summer and stop at the best hotels,
and that they got the money by selling
their duplicate wedding presents. /
wonder whether my spoons are paying
part of the expenses.
Il see you advertise goods to be sold
for mere song" said he, as he step
ped into furniture store on Washing
ton street. Eyes, SIR answered the
gentlemanly proprietor. 'sWell, now,
let me see; l like that red plush sofa
there, and will sing you When the
Robins Nest Again for it. At last ac-
counts he was able TO sit up in bed, and
if he continues to improve he will prob
ably be out in a week. Boston Post.
A schoolmaster in Iowa called his
prettiest pupil to his desk and asked
her if she would marry him. She re-
piled promptly that she would not. III
you were the last man on earth, and j
was 40 instead of l6," she added, 81
wouldn't take YOU Resuming his
character of pedagogue, he decided
that her language was disrespectful,
and feruled the hand which he could
not get matrimonially. The girl now
sues him for damages.
A countryman in search of head
stone for his mothers grave pitched
upon one the stonecutters had prepared
for another person. Il like this one,'
he said. "But." said the other, ..that
belongs to another man, and has Mrs.
Perry's name cut upon it; it wouldn't
do for your mother '.Oh, yes it
would" said the countryman. "She
couldn't read. And, BESIDES" he con-
tinued, Perry was always fayorite
name of hers. boston Journal.
George had proposed and been ac-
cepted. s.Well," she said, II can sing
and play on the piano and harp, can
paint, and at seminary was up in the
fine arts and political economy and
logic, and | can crochet beautifully,
and play lawn tennis. and, and-that' s
about all, think. Now tell me what
are some of your accomplishments,
GeorgeP" II haven't got any, mot
single one?" ..Well.n he said, with
sigh, s'if the worst should come to
the worst, / think / might be able to
cook. boston Journal.
II shall never call on Mrs. Smith
again." said Mrs. Jones. II never
want to see her any more" .sYou wo-
men are very foolish to quarrel over
trifes,' said Mr.. Jones. .sMrs. Smith
is very pleasant person, little talk.
alive, perhaps, but on the whole very
estimable woman. You shouldn't ct
tach any Importance to what she says.
What was the trouble?" 'sShe said
you weren't very prompt in paying
your debts '.Well, by thunderln
shouted Jones, jumping to his feet, 81
would give S25 if she were man fol-
just ten minutes. ''-Neso York Star.
The manager of one of our best
known burlesque theaters was much
surprised to see one of his chorus girls
driving pair of housekeeping ponies
through the park. On meeting her a,
the theater in the evening, he casually
remarked: ssThose were very fine pom
les saw you driving to-day, Miss Blue
Blood. . ..Wern't they, just?n replied
the lady, s.and didn't they cost trifieP
Besides, I've just gone into and fur
nished new house, and-and- that re-
minds me that | can't do that sort Of
thing on my present salary of a pound
a week. Can't you make it % shil.
lingspn Whitehall RcUieac.
Look heah, Ransom" said an old
negro to young fellow, Il doan' min
yer sociatin' wild my daughter, but
druther yer wouldn' come roun' my
house no mo- Time fore de las what
yer wuz heah | missed er water-bucket,
an de las time de bride wuz gone, an
now, ez has a use for de saddle,
druther yer wouldn' come heah.
doan' say dat yer amt homes, for dc
Lawd knows i b'lebes yer is, but such
cuis things happens while yer is in de
neighborhood, SO jes' ter pleas er ole
man, whut amt enjoyin' very good
health, pleas doan' come roun' dis
house no mo-. ArkanSaw Traveller.
The act of Disgusting patent medi-
cine advertisements by covering them
up with an interesting article is a
crime, and should be punishable by
1aw Mon WIN mayer strnrn in fhnir