National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1885-11-07
TIE LIME-KILN CLUB.
Brother Gardner Points out the Vanity
and UseIessncss of Theories.

Detroit Free Press
"Am Kurnel Paradox johnson in de hall
dis eayoninf" blandly inquired Brother
Gardner, as the regular weekly meeting
opened on the fortyseventh degree in due
regular shape.
"The "Kurnelr arose. lie was there
Some time ago he invented the theory that
Canada thistles could be cultivated to bear
mustard plastcrs, and his countcnauce now
betrayed the fact that he expected TO be
patted on the back and ordered to take the
stool Of honor under the bear traps.
"kurnel johnson will please step this
way" continued the president, aud the
kurnel advanced to the front, bestowing u
look OF three-ply contempt on the Hon.
Erastus Furlong as he passed him.
"Brudder Johnson" said the president,
as the victim stood before him with folded
arms, 81 want to spoke TO you In de plain.
est English language. | larn dat you hey
inverted a thcorySn
eyes, sab ~
at has bin long time worl,in' up to a
climax, hasn't it?'
",Bout var, sah.n
ut thought so. was bout n var ago
dat noticed you quit work an began to
sot around on dc curbstune. You didn't
cotch on to dis theory widout hard strug-
gle, did youYn
"No, sab. 1t jist almoas upset my
mnd.n
~ thought so. I remember when you
gin up de curbstone fur saloon society.
Later on you began TO play craps am
policy. Towards de last agony OF your
struggle you began to shake dice an buy
lottery tickets on dc money your wife
Armed at the wash tub. Inventin' q theory
am powerful hard work, Bruddcr john
son."
eyes, sah.n
at am so hard dat your wife an chpen
am now beggin' fur bread an old clothes,
while you am in debt to everybody who'd
trust you, and your landlord am gwine to
frow you out o. dc house."
IL is sorry, sab, but couldn'tholp IT,"
"Brudder Johnson said the president,
in voice which mace Elder Toots SILVER
like faded burdock In a winter gale, ~
want to say to you, an to all other members
OF dis club frew you, dat no cullud man in
America has any bizness wild theory--an
original theory. II white folks has got time
nun and money huff to loaf around and
diskiver-in DER own minds-dat dc moon
am full o. jackasses which gallop up and
down, or dat de norf star contains race of
people who walk ON DER beads an feed
themselves wild DER toes, OATS ali right.
De problem wild de culled man am;
iusti plcuu an DuIter, heCOnu, mouse
rent and raiment; third, SIGH eddicashun
as will enable him an hs'n to write an re-
eeive letters, keep posted on current events,
figure up how much weeks wages comes
to at 81 day. realize dat the Atlantic am
on one side of us an de Pacific de oddor
an hev de sense to go to de polls an vote
fur honest, decent candidates, no matter on
what ticket deir' names appear. / shln't
fine you, an doan' want to expel you,
but you will retire to de ante-room with
Giveadam Jones fur de space of ten miu-
utes. If you hold to any pertlckler theory
artcr he gets freu wild you II will be sunthin
you am perfeckly welcome top
When the "kurnel" returned to the hall
after the proceedings he was n changed
the other badly battered, and his general
appearance was that of man who had
met the tail-end Of cyclone in q country
where there was nothing to hang to.