Weekly Chillicothe crisis., 1885-07-23
FACT AND FANCY.


are freshly laid.
1t is said that Jay Gould dislikes
railroad travelling. Perhaps he is
afraid of being drowned. He well
knows the amount of water on the
roads.
A man can get gloriously drunk in
Japan for 90 cents This is why the
Japanese who come to America save
their money and take 1t home with
them.
Instructor in Rhetoric-Give an eX-
ample of syllogism. Logical Fresh
man-All men are more or less alike.
am man; therefore ! am more or
less alike.
Terrible railroad accident yester-
day, wasn't it?" Hadn't heard of il,
what was it?" "The Y road, you
know itP" "Yes, well?" at paid
dividend"
The aim of Chinese parents is to SO
tutor their boys that If one OF them
happens to sit down on an eight'ounce
tack in the presence of company he
won't even bob up.
Vermont decoration orator: "Fellow
citizens, we air met here to-day to
dcsecrate the graves of them air sol
dcrs who died in defiance OF their
country. Forward, march"
There are only two occasions when
u man finds out what an atrocious viii
lian he is. The first is when he runs
for the aldermanship of his ward, and
the second is when his wife sues him
for divorce.
"Are you superstitiOus, my dearP"
SAID Miss Birdie McGinnis tOa newly
arrived stranger in Austin to whom
she had become engaged. Not a bit;
but why do you ask?' replied the
youth. Nothing, except yon are the
thirteenth young gentleman to whom
l have been engaged. p
"My dear" said frightened hus-
band in the middle Of the night shak-
ing his wife, where did you put that
bottle of strychnine?" ION the shelf,
next to the peppermint" so, Lord!'
he graoned, "Tve swallowed it."
"Well, for goodness sake whisper.
ed his wife, keep quiet, or you'll
wake the BABY.
Did your story win the prizeP, mo,
but il came near winning it. 1t fail
ed only IN one stipulation And
what was thatP" at was to have the
editors hair stand on end "Oh, |
see. 1t wasn't exciting enough.
"Yes, 1t was" "Then why didn't It
make the editors hair stand on endP"
"He hadn't any. lie was bald'head-
ed:
In western town cltlzen oil tue
name OF William Shakespeare mas been
appointed postmaster Recently a
visitor asked one OF the leading resi-
dents OF the place II he were familiar
with tho works OF Shakespeare. "All
know about him is, " replied the resi-
dent, "he has been wOrkln for the
Postmastershlp for sixteen years, an
he's got there at last That 5 about
all the work l ever knew Bill to
do.
At an evening party Dumley was in
troduccd to a young lady, and after q
remark about the weather he sad,
gallantly: And have | really the
pleasure of meeting the beautiful
Miss Smith, whose praises are being
sounded by everybody?' "Oh, no,
Mr.. DUmloy,' the lady replied; 'the
beautiful Miss Smith to whom you re-
fer is a cousin of mine "Oh, that's
1t. Well, | thought there must be a
mistake somewhere, SAID the gallant
quincy
A tramp applied at the back door
for assistance Just as the minister's
family was preparing for morning
prayers. "My good man, said the
kindly, I'VE would be glad
to have you join us in our devotlons,
after which YOU will receive nico
breakfast. W "Ccrtalnly,' replied the
tramp. graciously, SHOW me right in.
A man who is kicked and butleted
about the world as am ought not to
he squcamish In the face OF square
meal. "
A Fellow to be Trusted-"What do
you think of BliTkins, BROWNE"
pretty fair sort OF chap IN his way,
believe. "Do you know him wellF"
"Oh, yes; | am very well acquainted
with him, indeed. "And you con-
slider him man to be trustedP" mo
doubt of it. d" "What do YOU base
your opinion uponPn Personal ex-
perience. How that?' "Well, l
began trusting Bllifkins shortly after
l became acquainted with him, and
am trusting him still"
Gcntleman-I am sorry to learn of
Your wlfe's death, Uncle Rastus. Un-
Gle Rrastus-SahP Gentleman-I say
that am sorry to hear that your wife
has recently died. Uncle Rastus with
a puzzled loOk)-l giss da' am some
bout dat, Mstah Brown. 1
lef' de ole CONAN in gud health dis
sab. Who said she wah
deadp Gentleman-Tve forgotten
now. Uncle Rastus (his face clearing
up)-Oh, ya'as, now | understands,
sab. Dat wuz cr formah wife oh mine.
Mistah Brown. She died mon foah
weeks ago. De present incumbent am
all right.
Lille Ernest. n small boy recentlv
emancipated from kills walked into
the nursery one morning and was
onite disCusteJ npon Gndinc that II
had NOT been mt in order for tho dav
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