Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1885-10-14
MORE OR LESS FUNNY.

etll E! OlUn SpOS6 any OOuy saw uo'
A REPORT of a base ball game says:
"Larkins knocked Fulton, the new
pitcher, all over the field" This must
have been an agreeable change for the
umpire. Tt is long lane that has no
turn in it.-New York Independent.
WHEN a woman goes horseback rid
ing she wears a silk plughat She does
that so the horse will believe she's q
a man and won't become frightened at
her. She couldn't fool a Kentucky
mule that way.-Kentucky State
Journal.
ARTEMUs WARD once said: 81 never
60 to a temperance hotel, they sell
such poor LIQUOR there" AS Artemus
spent some years in the Pine Tree
State, we are convinced that he knew
what he was talking about.-Boston
Commonwealth.
q WAS never exactly buried alive, y
said an old clerk, recourting his expe-
riences, ''but once worked a week in
a store that did not advertise. When
] came out my head was almost as
white as you now see it. Solitary
confinement did it"
NINETY-sIx million five hundred
thousand dollars is said to be the value
of the newspapers in the United States;
and still some of our exchanges are
crying for more cordwood and turnips.
Some people are never satisied.-New
York Commercial Advertiser.
"OH," exclaimed Miss DaubWell,
'what aclever man that Mr.. Fogg is !!
He is really quite a physiognomist. |
was telling him last evening that [
had become quite proficient in paint
ing, and he said, L am sure of it mad
anne, your face shows it." Chorus
Indeed !"-Boston Transcript.
THE meanest practical Joker lives in
Derby. Being on a visit to a neigh
boring city, he spotted his face all
over with red paint, and suddenly
made his appearance at the annual
meeting Of the Anti-Vaccination So
ciety. The members nearly broke
their necks getting out Of the win
dows.
JUDGE-Prisoner, you are accused OF
entering this lady's shop, taking there
from a bundle of cigars, and leaving
without paying for them. What have
you to say in your defense? Prisoner
Il didn't know the price. Judge
You should have asked. Prisoner-I
didn't like to, your worship, am al
ways so bashful before the ladies.
''Do you keep all kinds of station
ery?" asked the smart young man OF
a Philadelphia stationer. Eyes, sir."
''Then you may give me some station
airy engine" Very well, SIR said
the stationer, she calmly passed over
few stock certificates of the Keely
Motor Company, and asked: "Any-
thing else to day ?"-Chicago News.
Mrs. BoozER-How did you happen
to lose so much money while you were
in bathing at Coney Island yesterday,
love? Did you carry it under your oil
skin bathing cap? Boozer (absent-
misunderstanding? When? Lost
money? How? Mrs. Boozer-Why, l
heard you tell Mr.. Tompkins you had
dropped $50 in the pool.-NeW York
It'd Bits.
SCENE in a grocery store-Proprie-
tor talking with customer, while clerk
tries to get a bushel of potatoes out
Of barrel into a sack. Proprietor
They'll be ready in few minutes, sir.
ustomer-What's the matter with
your clerk? Proprietor-Inexperi-
enced. Customer-Why don't you
fire him? Proprietor-Too green to
be ired.-Merchant Traveller.
HEARING a noise at night, Jones de-
sends with lighted candle and dis
covers a burglar escaping with full
sack. "Hello!" he cries. "Come
back, youw "Eh, what?" returns
the burglar. "Ah, yes-the silver can
dle-stick! Permit me-" He takes it
from the hand of the astonished Jones
and puts it into his bag. ''Ten thou
sand thanks. Have | forgotten any,
thing else ?'-London Tid-Bits.
''IT's terrible thing to owe money,
said Smith. "To be compelled to
dodge around this corner and that to
avoid meeting creditor on the street
1t takes the manhood ont of one, and
he soon loses all self-respect. [ am
glad to say that | no longer owe a
dollar" ''Then those old debts that
have bothered you so long are al
squared up, are they?" eyes, thank
Heaven! The last one became out
lawed yesterday" New York Sun.
CLERK Ito proprietor)-What is the
selling price of that new lot Of BLACK
silk opened this morning? Mrs. S
wants to know. Proprietor-Mrs. S
is a nuisance. She always complains
about the price of goods and yet never
buys. Tell her dollar and a half {
yard. 1t cost two dollars. Clerk (tc
Mrs. S.)-One dollar and half a yarC
madam. Mrs. S. feeling Of the silk.
It seems high at a dollar and a half
However, you may cut me off p
yards.
SITTER" But don't you think thos'
pictures fatter me?" Photographic
-"Flatter you? No, sin; on the con
trary, they fatter me. / undertake
tosay that youmay go all over the cit!
and you won't find a Photographic
who will give you such splendiC
picture. / am an artist, sir, though
do say it; not slavish imitator. ]
you want a likeness, 60 to Smiths
or Browns or any of those fellows
but what will it look like when you'v
got it ?''-BOston Transcript.
A ,,rvrr l,i,I bod hppY1 ~, u