Weekly Chillicothe crisis., 1885-07-09
MY PRIVATE ASTRONOMER.

MY carry education was neglected,
chiefly by myself, fact which my
wife who is superior to me, mentally
and morally, is not slow to keep in the
foreground in very annoying man
ner. She does not know how irritating
she is in her efforts to improve my
mind, as have never pointed it out
to her. When she commences to talk
| merely walk out of tho house, light
ing cigar with slow absent.m minded
ness, which, Judging from the effect,
is truly eXasperating. From long ex-
periencc have discovered that CON
scious silence is beyond womans
comprehension, and shuts her up in
manner only equaled by the effect on
a man of an offer TO bet five
to one, closely followed by show OF
the money.
Although would not care to own
it, | was at length goaded into u
sneaklng desire to shine in intellectual
circles, and to be able to distinguish
between the works of Emerson the
minstrel and Emerson the author. Be-
tween you and me, | regard Billy as
having more brains than his high
toned brother who wrote books. lle
made more money anyway; but how
my wife would rave should she hear
me utter such "Philistine hercsy."
C"Philistine heresy" is one of her pet
gags.
commenced my intellectual i'm
provcmcnt by buying books, those OF
neat but not gaudy binding being pre-.
ferrcd. brought homo book nearly
every day, and at first my wife beam
ed on me at the evidence of my
Renaissance" Cher gag); but think
at length she came to regard ii as cX-
travagance, ana entertained mean
suspicion that too much "intellcctual
pabulum' Cher gag again) might af-
feet the sealskin sacquo fund.
sought after knowledge pretty
evenly, and with considerable nerve,
until one day an unprinciplcd dealer
worked off Welsh dictionary on me,
and then ! shut down. am rather
liberal in my educational views, but |
draw the limo at Welsh dictionaries.
After that | rarely bought a book, ex-
cept when | had been out late with the
boys, and wished to fortify my
statement to the effect that
had spent the evening at our
literary club and had Just brought
home something choice from the club
library. Little things like this some
times carry conviction when argu-
ments fail.
Twas walking along the street one
fine frosty evening when an idea
struck me, suggested by the sight
of cold and shivering curbstone
telescope fakir. | stopped in front
of him in order to thoroughly grasp
the idea; for with me they are scarce
and come high. With my wife it is
different.
"Five cents a look. Fine view of
Jupiter" remarked tho sidewalk as
tronomer.
"Ilere, gimme quarters worth, "
said |, handing over the coin. The
man grinned, believing me drunk and
good for any amount of money. | was
never more sober in my life. 1t was
merely the idea working.
Astronomy goes" said |.
"WhatP" observed the man, little
an1iously, for he was not now sure he
did not have q crank on his hands.
"How much do you make night?'
! | asked.
mot enough to keep me in SALT
he answered, rather savagely, for he
, now thought he saw in me possible
, rival.
"Then can hire you pretty cheap,
for my own private use, can't lP"
A shade of regret that he had mo-
: announced himself on the high road tC
1 wealth crossed his face as he com
, menced to haggle with me over the
, price of the service.
, al merely want you to give me somC
practical lessons in astronomy. My
education is way of, and want to &c
l posted. Books put me TO sleep. Now
1 this IS practical. It's getting right al
l things. I'll look through your ma
chine, and you can give me the pedi
greo and time OF the stars as we %
along, and will remember it just a
n easy as can the record of hoss SCI
8 lrot with my own eyes. You get oil
Y 10 my scheme"
/ II think | do"
"You can give me starter righ
now. Here's a dollar for you. Nov
k tell me all | can remember about tina
s star you have leveled your spyglas
at"
The fellow hemmed and hawed ant
$ acted as though he didn't know hov
It to begin. until suggested his refund
g ing the dollar. That seemed to reviv
O him and he turned loose dray Loaf
. of information, all of which | coul'
= not believe, not beng Of credulou
). turn of mind.
II That is the planet Jupiter" h
;, commenced, while nearly broke m
10 back bending down to get a good fai
O chance at it., at is the largest OF tn
: consultations and is hundred AM
10 seventy-five miles thick"
D. took it in without quaver ant
s, my astronomer seemed to clipper up
l. talking with less hesitancy.
d ut has four moons, which you vii
l. observe ranged around the planet lik
It the bags around the pitchers stand o.
8 II baseball field. They have on tina
,rorld hath ,,;,ht and dav ehift monny