Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1885-08-15
LEONE LOCAL CHAT.

LEONE LOCAL CHAT.
The Grant Memorial Services. --An improu-
ed Method of Suicide, not likely to be
pdtronised by Martinsbauyers. Court
Ike Claims upon the Ne,c Commission
er.-Is Beer cheaper than Water. "A
Bonanza IN Compressed Air.-Our Mas
eatline Pen. ARTILLERY Voueys. The Pas
tordl Village as a Summer Reso,t.-Notes
in brief.-Personal Points.-Etc., Etc.
By order of Mayor Lambert all business
was suspended last Saturday afternoon
during the funeral services of General |
Grant.
The memorial services held in the |
Court House by the Members of the G. |
A. r, were very interesting and impress
sive; the beautiful ritual service of the |
order was given, with Captain Bartlett |
as Post Commander, and Rev. r. G. Hol- |
land as Chaplain, assisted by Rev. F. M.
Woods. AT the conclusion of the Mem |
orial ceremonies of the Post, the audience |
had the pleasure of listening to excellent |
addresses by Rev. R. G. Holland and F.
NJ. Woods, and p. A. Rohrbaugh, ESQ., |
Addresses that were pertinent, eloquent.
and just tributes to the memory of man |
who in the most comprehensive sense of
the word, deserved all the tribute which
world could bestow. The exercises
were interspersed with appropriate music,
Miss Minnie Riggs presiding at the organ.
Mrs. Flick, Miss Minnie Diffenderfer,
Miss Riggs, Miss Rena Flick, and Messrs.
Sthall, Sayles, Farnsworth and Neal Ber-
ry composed the Choir, and sang with
their usual grace and melody. The dra-
pings and trimmings of Grape and flow
ers were tastefully and beautifully ar
ranged. A detachment of the Camden
Light Artillery Company, in command
of Captain Weddel accompanied the G.
A. R., and the Courtroom was filled |
with an appreciative and sympathetic au-
dience, albeit the supposed -be-sympa-
thetic sex were upon this occasion large
ly conspicuous by reason of their absence.
| regret to say that when the gentler sex
do choose to act small, they never fail to
distinguish themselves in that line. We
all know of General Grant as man whose
life has for years been wholly an open
record pierced by the eyes of fifty million
people, and his one fault, they tell when
they say, " He was too faithful in friend
ship" What magnificent reproach.
If that be fault, then bury merits with
us, and let our faults be our epitaphs, for
/ confess that to me
That one sentence bore
More meaning than Men S lives have wore,
Who, knowing life, can give life tribute
more.
We learned with exceeding regret of
Al. i 4 e
Baltimore, well known and beloved in
this community for his genial social dis
position and excellent qualities of heart |
and mind. He is resting in Greenhill
Cemetery,
*x*
The number of accidents occurring on
the railroad of late is appalling. Now
that suicide is the popular and fashion
able method of shutting off this mortal |
coil, we suggest that the Opequon Bridge |
be utilized as a sendoff by those for
whom this world is no longergood enough.
1t has at least the merit of novelty and |
change from the regulation pistol, arse
mic and Rough-on-rats. Anyway you /
take the latter it has the humiliating eff
feet of making a man sick enough to
want to live, and convince him that he's |
a fool. towards never could have the
courage to stretch their necks across the
steel line and wait the cutting of the
wheels, which convinces us that only |
towards commit suicide, so that you need |
not fear my suggestions will be taken,
and anyway the Martinsburg people have
a penchant for living as long as they can
on the let-well-enough alone principle,
which is very wise when one comes to
consider, that the exact temperature of
Sheol has not even yet been ascertained.
~
Mr.. E. j. Simpson has been appointed |
Commissioner of the Court of Claims for
the State of West Va. We congratulate
the State when Mr.. Simpson finds out
how uneasy lies the head that wears this
kind of a stately crown, he will not
wonder at our hesitation in extending a
like benediction to himself. For instance
one of the girls came to me and asked if
Mr.. Simpson wasn't appointed to perse-
cute claims, and l thought he was able
to prosecute anything in his line, and
then she said she had a claim against
Martinsburg dude, breach of promise
business, with the usual concomitants
in the shape OF five years coal bill, and
that Judge Flick and Faulkner sorrow
fully declined the mission on the plea
that dudes cannot properly be classed as
men, and so were out of their jurisdic-
ton, and so she had thought of appeal
ing to the Commissioner of the Court of
Claims. 1t is questions such as these
that perpleX Statesmen, and urge them
to take to the woods.
If forewarned is forearmed, we have
done all we could. We have dim, mis-
ty idea of the capacity of our sex for
being what men term a botheration,
and we hate to see any helpless official
taken by surprise.
The Christian people of this burg (of
whom our city legislature are supposed
to be some) prayed long and earnestly
for rain and the Lord sent plenty of it,
sans tariff, and now the Water Commit
tee stand up as middle men and sell it
for the modest consideration of IS per
month.
What we need now is committee ON
air to compress the article and sell at SO
much per foot, then the corporation may |
hope to be out of debt when the milleni-
UNI comes this way.
This country is overstocked with girls.
perhaps that s the reason they are at dis
count, we'll, it's no fault of mine that |
belong to the fraternity. I've often look
ed upon man S broad comprehension and
liberal views with admiration, and sigh
ed to think my sex were deprived of |
them, and | feel quite complimented |
when / am accused by HERALD cores
pondents of being man. This may sound
nihilistic, but there is no dynamite in it.
Next Friday evening the Artillery
company will march around in style to
remind the citizens that they intend to
have the g boss picnic at Island Park on