McCook weekly tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 188?-1886, 1885-04-23
The Ham Sandwich.

The Ham Sandwich.
The ham sandwich is an institution
of comparatively modern times. Tn,
Bible speaks of Ham, it's true, but no
the kind we encounter between the
slabs of bread and biscuit of this nine
teenth century.
Poets have sung the praises of woman
and wine, but until now no writer ha:
extolled the merits of the ham sand
witch, or tried to elevate it to thai
higher sphere where it properly be-
longs in the esteem of the community
Where it first lived, moved and had
its being, am unable at this moment
to tell, there being no reliable author.
ity upon the subject, but it probably
first saw the light of day somewhere
in New England. and the man who
first conceived the brilliant idea of a
ham sandwich, should have his
name preserved in the pickle of I'M
dying glory, and have race horse or
prairie city named after him to per-
petuate his memory.
1t has taken stronghold upon the
appetite and affections of its country
men, and in return the appetite of a
grateful nation takes a strong hold
upon it-when they cannot get any
thing better. 1t is the friend of rich
and poor alike-the savior of the poor
ly-paid clerk, laborer and mechanic,
and it is the shrine at which the free
lunch tiend and Impecunious sport
smack their lips in worship. 1t is the
life and soul of the picnic and sur
prise party and fishing excursions. 1t
plays an important part in the ro-
nance of every man who carries q
lunch, and at the gay and festive wake
it is always welcome visitor.
Over the ham sandwich and glass
Of beer the aristOcrat unbends the
knee of dignity and lovingly wipes his
nose across the face of his plebian
brother, as in peace and love they dis.
cuss the current topics of the day, and
[ think that with proper training and
education it could be made to act as a
kind of mediator or Peace Congress in
welding warlike nations together in a
bond of peace and mutual love.
1t long ago took the place of the
newspaper in supplying the ''long-felt
want" and while the patent outside
turns up its toes and its nose grows
cold in death, the people of this free
and glorious country will sing its
| phrases and shout, ''long may it
| wave
Its immense popularity has caused
| the demand to exceed the supply. At
least have found 1t so in all boarding
houses at which | have ever lived.
Inscriptions parties have tried to
cast slur upon its fair name by plac-
ing upon the market a base imitation.
At the railway restaurant they gave
us, as the simon pure article of the old,
original Jacobs stamp, only plaster
Paris biscuit, between the slices of
which nestlcs thin silver of common
red brick. The attention of our legis-
lators should at oEce be called to this
evil, for if it continues, many of us
who may yet be shining lights in So
ciety aud states prison will die of what
the doctors call phthisis psoriasis,
(hog Latin for I'know not what.)
This is an age of deceit, and fraud
stalks abroad throughout the land at
tired in the seersucker coat and plug
hat of innocence. Our whisky is dilu-
ted with kerosene and fusil oil, our
Goldfish balls are not up to the stand
ard of what a Goldfish ball ought to
be, or was in the good old da VS. of
General Jackson and cheap rum. In
fact nearly every article of bric-a-brac
that IS swallowed up in the grave of
the human stomach is stuffed full of
total depravity. But, great heavens!
readers, when they descend so low as
to fiddle with the purity of that great
emblem of American ingenuity, pro-
gross and appetite, the ham sandwich,
it is time for you and I and every
other genuine hog to get up and howl
with anguish. 1t is direct blow at
the most sacred of our institutions,
and a slap in the face of advancing
civilization, and l am glad that the
President has taken into his Cabinet a
man who will be keenly alive to the
welfare and interests of our 'sInterior''
Department.
The man, who for the sake of gain
ing few paltry millions, will DELHI
erately place upon the market such a
fraud as the railroad ham sandwich |
ought to be compelled to eat one
aye, even two of them.
The Bible asserts that it was a stone |
with which David put Goliath out in
the first inning. This proves that the
ham sandwich has not been handed |
down to US as a relic of the dark ages,
for had the railroad sandwich then
been established, David would never
have selected stone with which to
lay the giant out.
Having, 1 trust, placed it upon the
footing where it properly belongs, I
modestly make my bow and retire
upon my laurels won as its champion
whooper-up.-George SWartVout in
Peck'S Sun.
Dones, Of tho IVhifn un,,na