The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-10-13
The HEALTH CRANK.

A Chap who is Afflicted with Theories
Regarding the Proper Way to Promote
Longevity.
The health crank is a man who is
sorely afflicted with chronic theories
regarding the proper way to promote
longevity. He lives, eats, works and
sleeps, and bores people according to
certain rules that he has adopted for
his guidance and their annoyance. He
Is sick half his days from the effects of
what he eats and drinks, and from the
exercise which he takes to encourage
his health. while he shortens the lives
af his friends by urging them to become
cranks, even as he is a crank.
He is never free from some infirmity.
and if he could acquire two infirmities
at once, his dream of Heaven is almost
realized. As soon as he gets one weak
part of his system renovated, some
other part breaks down, and he has to
20 to work at that. It may be men,
Honed incidentally that he never does
ANYTHING for his head, which is the
weakest part about him. His blood
troubles him much. He drinks acidu-
lous beverages to make him thin, and
lies on his back, with his head toward
the north, to make it circulate proper
ly. When he imagines that his liver is
acting in a reprehensible manner, he
stimulates it, or props it up, with
horseback ride before breakfast; and if
his stomach does not perform its func-
tons with accuracy and dispatch, he
Hoods it with cold water before going to
bed. or irrigates it with seidlitz powder
the moment he gets up in the morning.
He is always doing or taking some
thing to head off some infirmity.
Anticipated ills trouble him most.
His fayorite maxim is that about the
ounce of prevention and the pound
and half of cure. When he is not en-
gagged in terrifying his system with
Graham bread or oat meal, he is de-
velopino some weak muscle with dumb
bells or irving to create an appetite
by saving half cord of wood before
the dew is off the grass. He wears
cork soles in his shoes, claiming that
they act as rheumatism insulators. He
is very regular in his habits. He cuts
his hair according to the season, cleans
his teeth by the almanac and takes ex-
ercise by the clock. He is very fond
of explaining how much phosphorus
there is in corn. fat producing qualities
ia cheese and saccharine matter In
wheat.
Hig talk at table is about the adul-
1eration Of food. and he makes his
friends nervous and sick by telling them
al the dreadful things that golden
svrnp and butter and beer are made OF,
and of the gloomy effect that hard
boiled eggs have on the digestive or
gans Of the idiot who eats them. lie
keeDs himself sick trying 20 get well,
yretehed in efforts 20 attain ease, and
goes down into an early grave from the
Effects Of trying 20 Isngthen bis days.
10 s1m al mp, be Is crank and q
concentrated nuisance, with the re-
aeeaatag featare, however, that be pun
5stSs kfmse8 more than be does any
sedy slse> -IsHas JSl(tt1tgs,
f14efe Is a eOl0red preacher who
BFes As&f 3sspeFs "a. that rules bis
bore ~ Dqtt5Rg bifa. II the horse il
4gs.etio3s ~ stubborn be takes the
kIpizs opt ~ deliberately setziaa Il bY
SIC ears apd pqt5ng Il sqRsEeiy Ia the
z9Eebead apt4 Il fails ~ ~ knees, This
- geHeg8llY does ~ tvs second ar third
but. 0Aep hhe ID pars9B steps BehiHd
Anq aliyes gAeaa ageiB. III L1ujs
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