Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1885-05-27
HUNOROJfS ITEMS.

Come, Myrtle, give me kiss only one.
l.. S,--No won't; you asked Tidy
for lust one, in the parlor, before din
ner, and you took two,-~The Judge.
AN exchange has an article headed,
Richard K. Fox Withdraws." Rich
ard Ia wise. 1t is not safe to 60 with
out them just yet.-Bosten Traa-
script.
"sHE cried for suecor, and went to
her aid" he said as he pulled out his
empty pockets. Eyes, and by the
look Of things should think she found
one" was all tho comfort he GOT
The Judge.
THEArER MANAaER--"I can't use
your play, sir. It's too long for the
stage English amateur playwright
But say, aw, look here, aw, can't
you lengthen the stage, you know ~
New York Journal.
An anglers paper speaks OF the
"shrinkage OF oftrout-streams.' Atrout-
stream may shrink, but the trout
never does. It generally expands and
increases in weight after being removed
from the stream by an angler.
|. Ir is stated that out Of 100 men.
who parade in brass band at
least forty are dummies and only
pretend to play. This shows that
men may be Innocent and yet have
all the appearances OF guilt.-Puck.
An exchange states that Wisconsin
furnishes more poetry and pine lnm-
Der than any other state in The Union.
Why say poetry and pine lumber?
Why not say kindling, and kill two
birds with one stone.-Through Mail.
Mrs. Dn nFAsHloN--"H -"Horrors! Eflie,
don't 90 near my poodle, please don't"
Eflie-"Is the dog sick, mamma, or
has he been playing with children what
has the diphtheria or something?"
"No, dear, but you have. ."--Phila-
1elphia Call.
Doa-LArlN--Head master: "Now,
then, sir, translate~-cave canem''
Boy: "Beware, sir-beware" Head
master: "Well, sir--beware what p
Boy lin desperation): please, sir,
beware OF the cane" And he had rea'
son to.-Fun.
WHAT it will come to--Who's the
man by the curtain, yawning? Why
that's Brown; the most original man
in London. He's quite the lion of the
season. He can't do anything; neither
paint, sing, act, nor talk What re-
| tief. Let's have him to dinner.--Judy.
Mrs. sLlMDIgr-"Dear me, what u
peculiar odorW Thin boarder--
Eyes, seems to comefrom the Kitchen,
Mrs. Slimdiet--" do believe that girl
has dropped some rubber on the
stove" Thin NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
| chicken.-~Phikdeiphia CALL.
CRussUs BEcKwoRrHy, SR., Ito Mr..
Ruakin De We're, art critic-~"Now,
that's what / call q fine picture; shows
remarkable talent. My daughter
painted that, sir, and wouldn't thke
5000 for it. Why, the paint alone
cost 81 O."-Harvard Lampoon.
Mrs. MuLvANEY (the laundress)--
Indade ma am, and it's miserable
am. I'm but Just on mo feet wild the
pain in mo back, an, Jimmy he's as
bad of; he has a cough on um that
sounds loike an empty bari. Cough
or the lady, Jimmy !-~Harprrs ~
| ZAr.
A New YORKER predicts that the
day il not far distant when the speed
of the roller skater, by means OF inn
proved skates, will be Increased to
forty miles an hour. When that day
arrives the American bnnk cashier will
take rollcr skates instead Of the cars
to make the journey to Canada.
"AN Ohio man. says II news item,
| rubbed Iiniment on Il horse with
sore finger and is poisoned. We have
often noticed that horses with sore
| fingers are very dangerous, and the
danger il vastly increased il the horse
| AZ we'll ~ the man is an Ohioan.--OH
City Derrick.
FASHIONABLE wtFE--T wish you
would stop at Smith & Smiths OH
your way home and get a yard and q
half Of lace similar to this sample. 1t
is to 20 around the neck OF my new
ball dress. Husband-"A yard and n
half? Your neck isn't q yard and q
half in circumference, is itY" Fashion
able wife--"Certainly not, idiot, but
ball costumes are not made to tit
closely about the neck. You get the
lace and somebody else will try and
arrange the fit."-ISan Frnncisco In
gleside.
"MIss ETYMOLoGy, will you please
inform me why the Russian Language
contains such auperfluity OF conso.
| nants?" asked Il Harlem school girl OF
her teacher. "That is an enigma" re-
piled the teacher. "Can anybody in
the class enligtten me?" A bright
eyed boy whose father IL q contributor
to London Punch answered: II think
! know" "Well, my boy, what is 81"
because the Russians think that
vowel play is only fair in war; The
teacher presented him with an Afghan
tidy ~ 4 token that she was worsted.
Now York Journal
| goME eminent Statesmen were Dig
c,lssing the surprises OF politics the
other evening as they held up
column not hundred yards from
| Wizards bar. One OF the most "in.
fuential," and, by the way, one OF the
most disgruntIed, was in fatalistic
humor. and remarked: "WeIl, / be-
lieye what is to be will be. am q pc
destrian, I am" He meant predes-
tinarian, OF course, but that was near
enough for 4 fellow who 'neyer did be-
ilieve in civil service, nohow. - Wasi,-
| iHgt0n Hatchet.
| II Prof. BIaikie's class, Edinburgh
University lCrick--crick-criek' III
that noise is repeated ! shall request
the nincompoop who made it TO leave
the room. AZ I was saying, the Gaelic
Language tcrick.) Will that baby with
the rattle stand up No? Then il
| this il repeated slall--ium ha. The
| Gaelic language fcrick-crick1-~ is
/ most pitifnl that the rest Of the class
does not take in hand the furnishing
| Of this creature (crickt) Iwon'tstand
it. Are you the tomfool, Brown? or
| you, you with the curly hair? or you,
| or you, or your Nog Then there is
/ q liar in the class. a liar A Scotch
man and q liar. The Greeks called
j their IiarsAh. what It was