The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-07-16
HUMOR.


How QUICKLY two quarts of scap-
dial will expand into peck OF trouble!
-Bdrbers' Gazette.
No, aANxIous IsouIRER;" the feats
of calculation performed by some OF
our bookkeepers do not come under the
head Of ledger-demain.- -Merchant
TrdaeleT.
WHAT is the difference between as
cending pyrotechnics and drunkard's
mouth? One is q sky-rocket and the
other is observation-disclosures hide
pendent.
THERE is more Joy in the sanctum of
the editor for the one bore who is
kicked, than there is for the ninety and
nine who cometh not in contact with
boot prow.- Whitehall Times.
IT is stated that Lord Tennyson
never reads amateur poetry. We are
therefore led to conclude that he sends
his later poems to the printer without
reading them over.-TeTds Sttt51lgs.
EARTH has no rage Nike love to hatred turned.
And hell no fury like q woman
when she finds that her husband has
locked up his favorite razor, and left
her to cut her corns with pair of scis-
sors.-FaU Riuer AdD0lce.
OF all the distractions under the sun
that perplex man to badness, moth
ing is more rasping than this thing OF
getting tangled up in patent medicine
advertisement that starts out with as
much fascination as spearing fish by
moonlight. Chicago Ledger.
JoNEs-Good morning, Johnson.
How are you feeling now? Johnson
Mornin'. Oh, feel better this morn
ing. Just had Turkish bath: rirst
one ever took. Good things they are,
/ guess. Jones-Yes, soap Is good; you
ought to have tried it befcre.-Brook-
Ign Times.
THE ATTRACTION THAT WAS THERE.
You've come from the rink said the maiden
fair
To the youth who was on her waiting;
pray tell me what's the attraction there
To-night-Is 1t fancy skating!"
He rubbed his spine and his face betrayed
His bosom's agitation;
THE same old attraction is there" he said.
The attraction OF gravttatfon.
BOSTON Courier.
AMONG the Persians, if a man is
caught stealing the second time his
hands are cut off. This punishment,
we should think, would be more effect
i've in reducing the number of pick
pockets than ten years Imprisonment.
Very few criminals learn to pick peck
cts with their feet. The punishment
for the third conviction in Persia is not
stated bat we suspect his head is cut
off. That would cure him.
toion Herald.
"No, NAM; she DON come to our
house no mo-" "Pshaw! chile; you
don tell me! How does dat Gomez"
an stuck-up to mix wild common folks
now days any mo-. Proud! oh,
good Lawdl What dat sleepy hussy
got to be proud wild, 1 like to know?"
"Why, bless yo' sweet soul, honey,
she's mad sleepin' ca po'tah, an 1
reckon she has m'lasses on de table
ebry day now. Chicago Ledger.
II HEAR you've been writing another
play, Bliffkins." THAT'S about the size
of it, Doctor" Whats the trash like ?"
well, 1 tackled tragedy this time.
"a tragedy, Ell? You're bigger fool
than thought you were. Do you sup
| pooc buab al euiliB III tiiao hho iiohi
YOU will be likely to equal those already
produced ?" Really, Doctor, our work
will not be likely to conflict. My trag-
edy will be bound in paper, while yours
are always done up in mahogany and
rosewood. Detroit Journal.
THE STANDARD JOKE (?) ALPHABET.
| For Funny Men,
| AS the green Apple that kills little boys;
/ h Is the Barber and Boarding-hous joys:
C's the spring Chicken aud Clam in the Chowder;
| ID is the Dude and the Dynamite powder:
| Il Is the Editor killing poet:
| Is the Foot, as Chicago girls show 10:
| G's empty Gun. Goat, and Gas-meter utter:
| III Is the Hash and the Hair in the butter:
| Ii the Ice-man. of course. and Ice-cream:
| is the Jersey mosquito supreme:
| Is the Kick of a mule wherf he's mad;
| j. Ii the Lover that's bounced hy the dad;
| M Is May Moving and Mother-in-law;
| Ms the Niagara hackmans big NAV;
| O's tae One Oyster in church stews so thin:
| P's Picnic. Plumber, Pie, Poet. and Pin;
| q is the Question that's popped by Us all;
| II Is the Roller Rink-newest OF all;
| s il the Stovepipe, and Shortcake so murkv;
Il is the Tramp and the Thanksgiving Turkey I:
| US the Umbrella, that's Used-up and lent;
| Is the Verses TO newspapers sent:
| w is the Waterme on iInmense:
| X is the small Easter bonnet's Expense:
| il the leap Year. that tickles men folks:
u is the Zany who "chestnuts these jokes.