Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1885-02-04
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

As in nine cases out of ten the gambler
loses to-day what he won yesterday, it
strikes us it would be pretty good
scheme" to play only every other day.
Fl Chicago Sun.
THE funniest case of plagiarism for the
year 1884 Is that of q Texas county
Judge who delivered farewell address"
taken bodily from that of the father Of
his country.
In Canada-@Well, wife, I suppose
we ought to call on the Mandelbaums,
hadn't we7" "Yes, dear, I suppose so,
but they are horribly common people ;
just think, they stole $4,000" e@
IT will be noticed that whenever q
writer misspells q word to give point to
q joke, the oompositor sees to it that
the word is spelled correctly. This is
why SO many editors have dyspepsia.
WHEN would iron do to make sausages
Of? When it is pig-iron. Why does q
duck 20 under water2 For diverse
(divers) reasons. When is leather like
rust7 When it is an ox-hide (oxide.)
A CHICKEN with q clipped wing made
several Intellectual attempts to fly over
q fence. An Irishman who witnessed
the efforts of tho "chick" laughingly e.
claimed: ~Begorra she has detective
few"
The head poet of the Merchant Trav-
eler writes: AS we look through the
Lists of the dead of the year. We notice
without surprise, The names of q great
many business men, Who refused to sd-
vertise."
IT is said that Ell Mahdi owns one
hundred thousand ostriches. We should
like to see Ell out with his pan of In
dian meal and his fiat stick, feeding the
poultry and gathering the eggs in his
urban Burlington Free Press.
A WOMAN who had heard a great deal
about preserving autumn leaves, put up
q few jars of them, but after due trial
she told neighbor that "she didn't
think that they would ever be fit to eat,
and that she might just as well have
thrown her sugar away"
SoENE-A concert for the people.
Distinguished amateur (about to make
his first appearance in public: ~Oh, I
do feel SO nervousl" Sympathetic
friend: "Oh, there's no occasion to be
nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud
anythingw- London Punch.
TELEPHONES have been placed in the
halls of the Idaho legislature. 1t saves
the necessity of sending out the SER
geantatarms to bring in the absent
members. They can now play poker in
the committee rooms till the very mo-
ment of calling the yeas and nays.
A DISTINGUISHED statesman, recently
on his travels, advised young married
couple "never to get mad at the same
time" But he did not kiss the bride
when invited to do so. His better half
was along and might have got mad
alone.-[Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle.
@s1R, can you give a poor man a
quarter?" why are you asking aims,
my man?" II have just come from
Spain, sir; T am an earthquake sufferer. "
*But you are not Spaniard; you speak
good English" 20, as to that, I speak
Spanish, but since the earthquakes my
Spanish is so broken that am ashamed
to converse in it, Louisville Courier
Journal.
A NEWSPAPER man, who writes the
obituary notices and financial articles,
went into q restaurant the other day
while suffering from q severe cold.
g Herel you have made q mistaken
The waiter looked perplexed. "You have
put the carte before the hoarse," OK.
planned the newspaper man, and the
waiter immediately struck for highe,
wages. And no wonder II Norristown
Herald.
@YEs, p" remarked q little man impress
sively, 1--WE been mixed up with thou
sand storms" MAY I inquire, sir,
sympathetically asked a red-faced man,
with military mustache, "what was the
name of your opera company" Il never
managed an opera company" "Been
married several times, presumed" OBJ
served bald-headed man. mo, sir
I'm bachelor. I was a signal service
officer for ten years" New York
Graphic.
OSCAR WILDE said the other day, in
his lecture at Glasgow, that nothing dis
tressed him more than to see in para.
graph that such and such a color was
going to be fashionable next season,
and be held that it would not be more
ridiculous to read in a musical magazine
that "B fat" was going to be a fashion
able note. I certainly think, says La
bouchere, that if @B fiat" cannot pos
sibly make itself fashionable, "A fat
can, and very often does.
DIAMOND cut diamond.-A Western
railroad restaurante- had the enterance
to his dining-room over ecale platform,
and marked down the weight of each
customer on going in and coming out.
His. charges corresponded to the in
creased weight. A gormandizing drum.
mer who had been made to pay 50 to
IS several times, finally filed his peck
cts with Jumps of cast-iron and stones,
which he quietly deposited under the
table, and collected $12 for the minus
difference in his weight on coming out
Fact, stranger!
JONES entered his Office and sat down
at his desk in a very pronounced and
emphatic manner. "What is the mat
ter?" inquired bis partner. @Some'
thing gone wrong ?" "WronRr repeated