Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1885-09-09
Tussle with a Carbunele.

'Noah Nuf," of Beadze's Weekly, has
been fooling around with carbuncle this
spring, and he describes the attendant
pleasant sensations in the following vividly
realistic manner:
Ii there is poor, miserable sinner any
where on the face of the footstool who is
afflicted with anything worse than a car
buncle on the back of his neck, want TO
see him. and take him by the hand. and
ask his forgiveness for all the mean things
may have said about him! want to look
him over and survey him, and lay him out
in town lots, and ask him what ails him.
how he got it, and which he thinks is going
to get the best of it! / want to condole
with him, and lift him up, and encourage
him, and assure him of my earnest, double
barreled sympathy-for, if he has anything
worse than an old-fashioned carbuncle, he
needs it!
How do know? How, indeed! Haven't
been there, Individually, myself, so to
speak? Haven't been struggling with
mean, cantankerous, raging volcano of
carbuncle on the back Of my neck for the
past two weeks? Don't ask me again how
1 know, or you will get me excited, and
then there is no telling what may happen.
1 am uglier and crosser and harder to man.
age than a cross-eyed, sore-headed. grizzly
bear, yet. can't help it, either. In fact, /
don't want to help it. want to be as bel
ligerent and hateful and mean and misera-
BILE as possible. 1t relieves my feelings and
helps me to put up with that carbuncle.
The neighbors for two or three blocks
around all know I've got it. At least l
| judge they do, for they have sent in several
times within the past few days to know if
Mrs. Nuff wanted any help to take me to
the asylum. Queer why folks can't leave
fellow alone when he is wrestling with
thing of that sortl Now, if knew of a
fellow-mortal who was suffering from
carbuncle, I think should keep away from
him and leave him alone-in fact, know I
should, unless I went armed and prepared
for the worst. For / am convinced, from
carbuncle "gnawing at his vittles," as it
were, is dangerous customer to fool with.
didn't feel that way on the start. Fact
is, I didn't know it was a carbuncle for
day or so. When first felt it coming 1
supposed had been bitten by tarantula
or a rattlesnake, or some trivial thing like
that, 30 paid no attention to it. But on
third day, when the carbuncle began to per-
form all it advertised, with variations not
down ON the small bills; in short, when it
began to rage, and howl, and dance, and
yell, and ache. and burn, and throb, and
buzz, and bite, and sting, and jump, and
roar and prance, and carry on like tin
demon on wheels, or a Kansas cyclone out
for recess, suddenly made up my mind
that something was the matter.
Then sent for the doctor.
He came around and looked me over and
felt Of the lump on my neck, and charged
me two dollars for telling me that it was a
carbuncle, and then he went away again.
The carbuncle didn't. 1t stayed right
with me day and night, and chung to me
closer than another fellows sister in the
have gone to bed, and everything is lovely
and serene. 1t dogged my footsteps like a
country constable with sight warrant, or
Connecticut detective on the track of
criminal. 1t followed me about all day,
chased me from room to room, and bit, and
gnawed, and infused its venom into my
system. 1t accompanied me to bed, ban
ished sleep from my pillow, and held me a
helpless and hopeless prisoner in its re-
morseless fangs through the weary watches
of the night. 1t chained me to the grim
rock of despair, like Prometheus of old, and
left me there, prey to the rantankerous,
sharp -clawed eagles of relentless pain and
suffering. Like bank cashier in the night,
it came and robbed me of peace, and Joy,
and contentment, and happiness, and turn
ed life into bowling wilderness of con-
glomerated agony and aff1iction.
In short, don't know what that carbun-
Gle didn't do-except get well. 1t didn't |
and it settled right down to business, and |
never let up for an instant. One day was
the same as another to that carbuncle. 1t |
worked right along Sundays, holidays, St. |
Patrick's day, and every other day, just as |
if it had taken time contract and was |
bound to get there or know the reason why. |
1t clung to me like the "p'izened shirt" of
the old fellow that we read about in history |
q forget what his name was0 and fax-seed |
pOultices, cloths wet in hot water, bread |
and-milk poultices, scraped potatoes, slip |
perry elm bark, graftingwax, sealing-wax, |
beeswax, homemade salve, and all the 9TH |
er old woman's remedies this side of bed |
lam were alike unavailing to loosen it's pain |
full grip.
Sad? You can just wager your saccha-
rine existence it was sadl And it kept get |
ting sadder all the time. Melancholy and |
that carbuncle marked me for their own,
and finally became so thoroughly discour-
aged and reckless that sent for the doctor |
again.
He came and squinted at my neck in an |
Of-hand, professional way, and. announced |
could be expected. Just as if didn't know
that already! 1 didn't need a ply sician, or
a prophet, either, to tell me that that car
buncle was holding its own and more too.
What I was worried about chiefly just then
was myself. If I had been getting along
say half as well as that carbuncle, l should
have been perfectly satisfied.
| mentioned this to the doctor, and he |
said l was looking trif1e careworn and ner-
vOus Just then, and he was afraid l was in |
juring my health by sitting up nights with |
that carbuncle; and he advised me to stop |
it. He said if 1 would brace up and look |
pleasant, and try and smile occasionally du-
ring the day, and eat my meals regularly, |
and go to bed nights in cheerful frame of
mind, aud obtain as much rest as possible, |
he thhught l would eventually get the best |
of that carbuncle and pull through all right. |
Then he collected two dollars more of me |
and went away. was glad when he left. |
ie probably meant well, but what he didn't
know about carbuncles would have made
volume the size of city directory. I am
not as wealthy as I hope to be in time if |
live long enough, but I'll bet fifteen cents,
and put up the cash, that he never had
carbuncle in his life. If he ever gets vac
cinated for one and it "takes," he will
probably know more about them before he
gets over it. don't believe he will 20
around telling people to grin and look
pleasant when they are afflicted with car
buncle after that.
Well, to resume, after the doctor went
away, the struggle between myself and that
carbuncle went bravely on. Sometimes 1
would be on top. figu1atively speaking, and
sometimes the carbuncle would. 1t was a
case of tip and nuck-I should say nip and
tuck-between us for few days, and until
yesterday it was doubtful which was going
to get the best of it.
But yesterday oh, joyful day. (oh
-ouch-whoop-look out there, Seraphe-
nia-you most touched that carbuncle
thenl) yesterday, as was about to remark
when Mrs. Nuff brushed against me, that
carbuncle- -broke-and the weary struggle
was over-that is, in measure. The car
buncle doesn't jump and buzz and throb
quite as much as it did, but 1t isn't well yet