davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
A GOOD JOKE on TIE OLD FOLKS.
How an Aged Couple Were Fooled by
an Enlerprising Son-in.LaN.


A good story is told on one of our
prominent citizens who has been read
ing Chicago daily papers tor years. In
fact he has read them SO long that he
has settled down in the belief that there
were no other papers. worthy of the
name. published in the country.
His daughter and her husband re-
Gently made the old folks visit, and
the son-in-law developed an equal en-
thusiasm over rival daily. But as all
his attempts TO convert the elder reader
proved unavailing he adopted the fol-
lowing novel method to convince his OBJ
stinate ancestor-in-law
Every morning he would cut the head
ing of from the Chicago paper, paste
it over his own favorite, and, when dry.
hand the combination to the old gentle
man. After several days, during which
the deceit had not been detected, the
father announced
Il tell you, young man, my Chicago
paper has been better this last week
than ever beforeni
"Why, how is that; we thought you
claimed, before this week, that it was
impossible to improve it,
80 did; but nevertheless they have
improved it."
"In what waypn
"In various ways. They have cut
out a great mass of the gossip from
Indiana, Illinois. Iowa. Missouri and
Michigan which | never used to read
| anyhow. Then there is more news
from our own State, while all national
and foreign matters, and miscellaneous
views of general Importance are as fully
treated as ever they were"
THAT is good. Are there any more
improvements"
Eyes, there are! The news is better
arranged and classified, the headings
are more accurate, and in every way it
is easier to read. Besides, there are
editorials on Wisconsin matters, and
more attention is given to our legisla-
ture at Madison-in short, it seems to
have grown more reliable and satisfac-
tory in every way"
"Oh father" exclaimed the daughter.
who could keep silent no longer. don't
| you know that you and mother have
been reading the Milwaukee Sentinel
for over week and never knew itpi
Eyes, l did know it, too;n said the
mother Indignantly, II discovered the
deception the first day, but thought |
would let father find it out for him.
self"
.'But how did you discover it SO
/ quicklyPn
"By the advertisements, of course!
They looked so nice that / read them
first, and afterward found where YOU
had fixed the heading
The old gentleman saw the point, and
acknowledged by subscribing for the SEN
tinel, including the Sunday edition for a
whole year. He says, through, that it
does not seem quite natural yet without
that Chicago heading pasted across the
top of the first page.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

A watch. 10 obtain the highest pos
sible certificate. class A. especially
good, from the Kew Observatory. must
satisfy the conditions of very severe
ordeal lasting forty-fre days, and dur
ing that time the hands must not be
touched. The watch is hung up and
laid down in every conceivable posi-
ton, and placed in ovens at tempera-
ture of 80 degrees and in refrieerators
at ~ degrees Fahrenheit. Should the
mean variation be more than two sec
onds in its daily rate during the period
OF the tests the watch is either return
ed to its owner or an inferior certifi-
cate awarded. Mr.. G. NJ. Whipple.
the superintendent of Kew Obserya-
tory, has lately reported the note
worthy fact, rs indicating the high de-
gree OF excellence to which the Science
of horology has arrived, that watch
not specially constructed for that pur
pose and OF moderate price carried off
the highest honor by not showing a
mean variation of three-quarters OF a
second in the daily rate, though tested
as just stated.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
DAUGHTERS, WIVES, MOTHERS.

We alphabetically. guarantee Doctor
Anarchists CATHoLIcoN, Female Rem
edy, to cure Female Diseases. stich as
Ovarian troubles, Inflammation and
liberation, Falling and Displacement
or bearing down feeling. Irregularities,
Barrenness. Change Of Life, Leucorhea,
besides many weaknesses springing from
the above, like Headache, Bloating.
Spinal weakness, Sleeplessness, Ner-
vous debility, Palpitation of the heart,
&c. For sale by +. ". Bryan, Lancas-
ter. Price s1.00 and $3.50 per bottle.
Send to j. B. Marchisi, Utica, N. Y,
for Pamphlet, free. Sy1
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
Teaching Diplomacy.

Lord Palmerston, vino had been the
ward of the first Lord Malmesbury. and
always maintained the most constant
friendship with my family, knowing
that l was inexperienced in official
life. and that | must have considerable
difficulty in managing SO high. and inn
portant a charge rs that of the Foreign
Office, kindly offered to call on me and
81 me some advice upon the main
principles of our English policy with
foreign countries. Oh course | crate
fully accepted the offer. and he came
to my house in Whitehall gardens.
giving me mastery sketch of the
statatS quo in Europe and some general
hints rs to my procedure. The pith
Of them was Ito keep well with
France but adding, ''that she was
ambitious to have the principal inilu-
ence in the east, and that in this re-
spect we were like two men IN love
with the same woman He said !:
You have no idea, till you know more
OF your office, what power of pres
lige England possesses abroad. and it
will be your first duty to see that it
does not wane. All the Foreign Min
listers will try Mt first to get objects
which they have been refused by sue
eesSlve Governments; so take care YOU
yield nothing until you have well look
cd into every side of the question -
Lord .Ldtmesbury's Memoirs.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
Willis Starkes's Queer win.

Willis Starkes, a colored man, who
died in the Freedman's Hospital in JAN
uarY last, drew his own will in homely
style. but it has been admitted to pro-
bate. The instrument, as copied by the
Washington Post, is as follows: eff l,
Willis Starkes, should be the shortest liv-
er. at the death of me | want my sister,
Sarah Miner, to have my share in the
railroad. The railroad connects with
Georgetown office in Georgetown.
Witness James Coleman was Julia
Beans and Mrs. Margaret jackson, and
my bank book to go to her. my sister
Sarah Miner. Witness James Coleman
and Julia Beans. Written and signed
by Willis Starkes. y
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

AN ANSWER WANTED. Can
any one bring us case of Kidney or
Liver Complaint that Electric Bitters
will not speedily cure? We say they
can not, as thousands of cases already
permanently cured and who are daily
recommending Electric Bitters, will
prove. Bright's Disease, Diabetes, Weak
Back, or any urinary complaint quickly
cured. They purify the blood, regulate
the bowels, and act directly on the dis
eased parts Every bottle guaranteed.
For sale at 80 cents bottle by
STONE & HAssELL.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
l,nlnred I.ahArers In CaliRarnia.

The experiment of substituting the
labor of colored people for that of Chi
nese is being tried by San Franciscan,
on his ranch in Los Angeles County,
California. He took there thirty-two
families of colored people from the
South, built them cabins in Southern
plantation style, and thus far is much
pleased with their work. Labor on a
vineyard and fruit farm, says CORES
pondent writing from San Francisco,
is not so severe as on cotton or sugar
plantation, and the climate of Southern
California is milder than in most parts
of the South
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

Oscar Wilde defines fashion in dress
as a form of uglincss so unbearable
that we have to alter it every six
months. Egyptian dress lasted for
1000 years, and Greek dress nearly
1000 years, and wherever dress has
been beautiful and rational it has last
ed for long time. The texture and
color may have altered. but the dress
has renamed the same. As to style,
he has seen bonnet composed of
nothing but stuffed bird alighting on
piece of tulle. That did not strike
one as very sensible material of which
to make a headdress in climate such
as ours. On Paris fashion-plate he
had seen under bonnet of the stuffed
bird-and-tulle school a note to this eff
feet: With this kind of bonnet the
mouth is worn slightly OPEN
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

Mr., Editor Many of your readers
may be benefited by the knowledge of
such an excellent remedy as DIR. Jones
Red Clover Tonic, which produces the
most favorable results in disorders of
the liver, stomach and kidneys, and is a
valuable remedy in dyspepsia; also, de-
bility arising from malaria or other
cruises. It is a perfect tonic, appetizer,
blood purifier, and a sure cure for ague
Price, 80 cents. 3 4. w. BRYAN.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

The best on earth, can truly be said
OF Griggs Glycerine Salye, which is a
sure, safe and speedy cure for cuts.
bruises, scalds, burns, wounds and all
other sores. Will positively cure piles.
letter and all skin eruptions. Try this
wonder healer. Satisfaction guaranteed
or money refunded. Only 25 cents.
ooid by +. w. Bryan. 34m12
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
Special Reading Notices.


Leading druggists and physicians are
becomming greatly interested in the
German preparation Won Tagan's Ajax
inc. 1t is claimed that there is nothing
to compare with it for kidney. liver or
heart troubles, sick headache, costiye-
ness, debility, etc. If true, its import
ance to every family cannot be over
estimated, for it means great saving
OF expense, suffering and perhaps life.
Sickness is always of momentous con-
sequence and so certain is .Alaxine to
cure that laborious effort is being made
to persuade every interested person, first
to try one bottle, which will tell the
story. if it is 10 benefit; if not, the agent
Fred w. Bryan, is instructed to refund
price paid. That these generous terms
should make constant urging unneces-
sary. TO try a remedy of this high order.
must be admitted. Do not buy any
other preparation until you have per-
S0nduY used this. 2Sv1
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

The greatest foe of American people
is consumption: its victims number MANY
thousands each year Physicians and
druggists have at last found a remedy
which they feel justified in recommend
ing. This is DIR. Bigelow's Positive
Cure, which cures consumption in stages
where other remedies are of no benefit
1t cures coughs, colds, and all throat and
lung diseases speedily and safely. Price
90 cents and 81. Trial bottles free.
T. w. BRYAN.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19


From the editorial notes of the indie
pendent OF March y we quote the fol-
lowing:
At the fifty-second anniversary of the
Congressional Temperance Society held,
very appropriately, on Washington s
birthday, the fact was brought out that
just century ago the following reso-
lution was offered in the old Continent
al Congress:
"ResOJOed, That il be recommended
TO the several legislatures of the United
States, Immediately To pass laws the
most effectual to put an Immediate stop
to the pernicious practice of distiIling,
from which the most extensive evils
are likely To be derived, unless quickly
prevented"
1t this resolution had been passed and
had become effective, what enormous
losses, what an aggregate of crime, and
what a weight OF human misery would
have been prevented But Congress
seems to have learned but little in the
century. What could be more desir-
able from all points Of view than that the
results, moral and financial, of the
liquor evil should be gathered up by a
commission? The Senate passed the
bill for the creation of such a commits
sion. but the House of Representative
defeated it. In this we are behind some
European countries, where the absti-
hence principle has gained but little re-
cognition in practice. Switzerland has
made careful inquiry into the results of
the drinking habits, and is astounded
and alarmed at the magnitude of the
evil. But we are glad for evidence of
improvement in the practice of Con-
gressmen, if not in their ideas of tenn
perance legislation. The Secretary of
the Society says
''Of late years there has been less oc-
caSion than formerly for the exercise of
one of its original vocations that of
reform club for saving Members of Con-
gress imperiled by this fearful appetite.
We are not told how many Congress
men are members os the society 1t
would be very interesting to know.
Thomas Jefferson thought the use of
Intoxicants great bar to official eflici-
ency, and he declared that if he were to
begin another administration he "would
make total abstinence prerequisite in
all his appointments. This would be a
Civil Service Reform of glorious charac-
ter.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

AN ENTERPRISING, RELIABLE
HOUSE. Stone & Hassell can always
be relied upon, not only to carry in
stock the best Of everything, but to Sc
cure the Agency for such articles as
have well-known merit. and are popular
with the people, thereby sustaining the
reputation of being always enterprising
and ever reliable. Having secured the
Agency for the celebrated DIR. Kings
New Discovery for Consumption, will
sell it on positive guarantee. 1t will
surely cure any and every affection of
Throat, Lungs, and Chest, and to show
our confidence, we invite you to call and
get Trial Bottle Free.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

The new English PostmasterGeneral,
having gone down to his Office and let
himself in with a latchkey, was prompt
l. arrested by a detective and held
,,nt;l identified as non-dynamiter.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

Those learned editors who are writ
ing about edynamiteurs' and sigma
mitards' ought to be taught that an
English word is better for their readers
than a foreign one. and that .sdynamit-
ers' is good enough to describe the
new class Of cowardly criminals. Why
Irishmen operating in England should
be described by French words in
American papers can not be explained.
Philadelphia Bulletin.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

The Governor of Dakota has vetoed
the bill providing for the removal of the
capital from Bismarck to Pierre and his
veto was sustained. The difficulties of
removing capital are sometimes
creater even than those OF electing a
Il :. Senator. South Dakotians would
better 90 in for division of the terri
t.N,.v
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
MRS FRENCH,S CRllMl

MRS. FRENCH'S CROWN OF JOY.
The agent of this celebrated cure has
appointed Messrs. Stone q Hassell and
W. B. Baxter, druggists, sole agents for
this now well-known remedy for Kid
ney, Liver and Dropsy complaints. Call
on them for circular and testimonials.
This celebrated medicine is compound
ed by most cleanly process from herbs
gathered in Palestine and one is not re-
quired to take half dozen bottles to
prove its usefulness. A single dose will
convince the sufferer of its curative
power. Manufactured in the great med
icine city of Rochester. N. Y, it has a
larger home patronage than all other
compounds combined in that city. ~
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

Queen Victoria, according to the
prophecy of a London crank, IS to die
a violent death on the 10th of Septem-
Der, 1889.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
Wisconsin at the Exp0sitiop.

The New Orleans Times Democrat
gives about column in line type to a
description of the Wisconsin exhibit at
the exposition. A distinct feature of it
is, it says, the installation of the whole
in glass cases which protect the articles
from dust. OF the headquarters it says:
Another original feature of the ex-
hibit Is the construction of the head
quarters. In appearance it Is small
two-story house of Queen Anne archi-
lecture, with low windows filled with
small panes of glass, behind which light
curtains are drawn away on either side
and held back by bright ribbons The
sloping roof is colored deep red, and
before the Hospitality open door hangs
a sign bearing the legend: "Ye lime for
ye Wisconsin Folke.' Near by is a
large clock. telling off the minutes as
they pass aud striking the hours on the
largest of group of bells made in the
Badger State" Opposite the clock a
huge composite bottle towers aloft.
made of smaller bottles of Silurian wa
ter from Waukcsha. Near this is the
exhibit of the woods of the state.
OF the educational exhibit the same
paper, after detailed description, SAYS:
The educational exhibit of Wisconsin
is certainly unexceled by any exhibit of
like character in the building 1t rep
resents school system so admirable
that at least one large city on the At.
lantic has seen tit to copy il and to ask
the services OF the organizer of the
Wisconsin school system. At the head
of the exhibit here is Mr.. l.. T. Merrill,
himself prominent in educational circles
in the state.
Dir. Holton, our commissioner, has
proved most efficient man in his place,
and has made himself very popular at
/ New Orleans by the hearty manner in
which he has interested himself in the
exposition. OF him The Times Demo
crat saws:
Wisconsin has great reason to feel
proud of her exhibit, and the commits
sioner, Hon. l.. ID. Holton, is deserving
of the gratitude of all Wisconsin citizens
for the admirable manner in which he
has presented the resources of the state.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

Two little Incidents tritling in them.
selves, are cited by Democratic papers
to create n favorable impression of
Grover
''He manfully resisted the invidious
compliments of transportation compan-
les and honestly paid his own way and
that of his immediate friends from AL
bany to Washington. And he was
sworn in as President upon a Bible
given him by his mother"
The former was certainly judicious
and commendable act. but the latter
was an exhibition Of "gush'' that will
net count for much with those who re-
member that he has evidently not prac-
ticed all the preeepts contained in that
little book, and has probably not sat up
nights to read it to any great extent.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

General Hazen having been arrested
and suspended, we may expect more
settled weather.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19

1t is stated that Judge McDonald's
friends swear that they win not permit
him to accept a foreign mission. His
enemies have succeeded in preventing
his getting an appointment at home.
Between his friends and his enemies the
prospect is very catering that the Judge
will get nothing at all.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
Civil Service Reform.

Mr.. Cleveland would like to be civil
service reformer if he could. He was
so situated that it was impossible for
him to begin the practice in the appoint
ment of his cabinet. Now large share
OF the work Of reform is in their hands.
What the Democratic leaders can't do
with him directly, they may accomplish
indirectly through them. Senator Cor
mans line Italian hand is plainly visi-
BILE in some of the appointments. Mr..
Trevitt. who had been appointment
clerk of the Treasury for twenty-five
years, an experienced, capable and
faithful officer, was discharged by Mr..
Manning and MIR. Eugene Higgins, the
special adiutant and legislative manag-
er of Senator German, appointed in his
place. Until Mr.. German presented the
name to Secretary Manning, he did not
know there was such person in exist
ence, but he did know or should have
known that Mr.. Trevitt was one of the
most faithful and efficient officers in the
department.
A prominent Republican is reported
to have said, the other day: The Re
publican officials will have to go. 1t is
only a question of how much hypocrisy
there will be about it," So far as Cleye-
land is concerned, we believe he is hon.
est in his intentions to carry out the
principles he has professed, and if he
could be president he probably would.
He is making quite struggle for it, and
the Democratic leaders are giving him
line, and good long play-spell, but
unless he is the most wary fish that ever
swan in those waters. they will soon
land him high aud dry on the bank.
He will Hop round some, and breathe
hard for a while, of course, but when
they get him onto the string he will
quiet down. The Democratic party
hasn't been fishing twenty years for fun
or for its health. They are out of meat,
and it's grounding case"
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-03-19
HURLEY Il DASCH
MANUFACTURERS OF

sg-Repairing and job Work promptly at
tended to.
sg-speeial attention given To Plow Work and
Horseshoeing.
~Corns in Horses Cured without extra
charge.
Stone shop formerly known as "Budd's
shop two doors below HERALD Office. .SniS
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1885-07-30
Slnng.

Slang threatens to ruin the English
language Just as weeds and briars have
captured the rich farms of Virginia.
Australia is injured by rabbits, Jersey
is bitten to death by mosquitoes, Rome
are stung to death in Mississippi by
swamp flies, the West is ravaged by
grasshoppcrs, the wheat is smitten with
fly, weevil and rust, chickens die by
millions with the gapeS, Chicago suf-
fers from rats, and along comes our
language to be almost ruined by slang.
A Slang Poison is needed. From the
nature of the case this slang poison
would have to be given to the person
using the slang. The thought Of kill
ing all the people who corrupt the En-
glish language raises the question why
persons who are not certain that life is
worth living should still be so unwill-
ing to die. A recent philosopher is
more consistent, at least. lie said:
ITO die is Just the same rs TO live. -"
Then said his friend: "Why do you not
die?" "Why my dear sir, to live is
Just the same. - A most honest and
rather pensiye and altogether dyspep-
tic Judge out in Wyoming sentenced,
recently, an accused murderer to death
with the following calm words: THE
prisoner will please stand up. The
Judge hastily reviewed the crime and
the evidence and then closed by stat
ing: Il am by no means satisfied with
the evidence in the case and am not
sure whether you killed john Forbes or
whether he died 10y visitation of God,
but my sentence is that you be hanged
on the third Friday of June; and should
you know of your own innocence you
will have the comforting thought that
it is doubted by some of the wisest
thinkers OF the age whether life is in
any circumstances worth living -
| UaCid StCjHg IN The Current
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1885-07-30

steal in quality, is one of the essentials
for physician bedside voice -
which is nothing if it is not sympathet-
ic by constitution.
Whatever its original quality may
be, the orators voice bears the unmis-
taxable stamp of art, and becomes ar
tifciality; IS such it may be admira-
BILE telling IN a crowd. impressive in
address, but overwhelming and chill
ing at home, partly because it is all
ways conscious and never self-forget-
ting.
An orators voice, with its careful
information and accurate accent, would
be as much out of place beside a sick
bed as brocaded silk for the kitchen
girl.
The voice is much more indicative
of the state of the mind than many peo-
pie know or allow.
One of the first symptoms OF failing
brain power is an indistinct or con-
fused utterance; no idiot has n clear or
melodious voice; the harsh scream OF
mania is proverbal, and no person Of
prompt and decisive thought was ever
known to hesitate and stutter.
A thick, loose, fluffy voice does not
belong to the crisp character OF mind
which does the most active work, and
when a keen-Witted man drawls and
lets his words drip instead of bringing
them out in the sharp, incisiye way
that ought to be natural to him, there
is a flaw somewhere.