Sword and shield., 1885-07-04
WIT AND HUMOIs.

A bieyelcr in this city declares that
lie intends 10 90 ali over the earth on
his machine. If he is a beginner he
will probably succeed. -BoSton Post.
1t has hitherto been supposed that
the word Iowa signilicd Here | rest, "
but writer in the IoWG Historical Rec
ord asserts that it means 1.-The sleepy
people
Zone sees singular sights at sea,
said person who had just crossed the
Atlantic. Il saw the ocean heavc, a
passenger heave, and the ship heave
to. Boston Courier.
A Boston man has invented seaside
hotel with hunks and bcrths in place OF
bedrooms, and all you need for a four
weeks stay are 5000 in cash and but
ton-hook. k.-DctrOH Free Press.
''She cried for succor, and went to
her aid, : he said rs lie pulled out his
empty pockets. Yes, and by the
looks of things should think she found
one" was all the comfort he got. THE
Judge.
The sign, Positively No Admit
tance,' over saloon in Eureka, Cal,
drew large patronage. The people 5
curiosity to know why they were refus-
cd admittance was only gratilied by GO
ing inside. San Francisco Examiner.
Out in the boundless West, when a
young fellow gets married, the first
thing he receives is serenade from the
\ local bond trLio crapornllty roo0no;Ia.
him to any sort of treatment, and he
settled down and is happy afterward.
The march of civilization has reach
ed Danville, ILL.,, where at a recent
meeting of the local debating club the
following was found written on the
blackboard as the subject of discussion:
''Ot females to read iictishus litera-
toor??n
Little boy" said the teacher, ''tell
me why it is that St Peter and St. Paul
are so widely separated?' "Shaw,
that's easy. st. Peter is in Rome while
St. Paul is in Minnesota" Fifteen
minutes for recess, said the teacher
Ecansriite argus.
A new paper in the South is called
the Epidemic The editor probably
thinks" observes the New York Jour
nal, '.that everybody will take it. !"
But he has apparently lost sight of the
fact that an epidemic generally dies out
within year. r.-N0rriStoOR Herald.
Little Minnie's mother had several
times spanked her for going out onto
the street. The other day as the gro
ceryman was leaving the house Minnie
called to him, and said: ..Tome back
an shut the gate. = 'Why?" so |
can't get ont. ''-ArkanspU IraUcier.
The other day very recent mother
over the bay said to her aecomplice:
20, William. nurse SAYS that baby
weighs only six pounds. I'm so glad!''
"Why are you glad?a growled the nus
band, disgusted ut having received SO
little for his money. Because the
fashion papers say that light kids are
all the rage again,
A theatrical manager SAYS about the
proper pronunciation of the word dra-
ma: 1T depends upon what part of the
country one is in. In Boston ! call it
drawllah, in New York drahma, in
lgllIl III tllll9tt III AiiICdSO vi
mer, but in ST. Louis, in order to make
myself solid with the citizens, have to
talk about the draymy. Lynn Ice.
Sometimes the women suffragists are
logical What could excel this from
the recent speech of an English lady
agitator: II have no vote, but my groom
has. have great respect for that
man in the stables, but am sure if
were to 60 to him and say. John, will
you exercise the franchise? he would
reply, Please, mum, which horse be
that?'
'Mr Singleman," said designing
widow to her bachelor boarder, isn't
it strange that in India it costs more TO
get married than to die?' They burn
widows in that country, | believe, was
his rather irrelevant reply. ''Yes, so
I've heard" ''IIumph! if that were
the custom in this country it wouldn't
cost SO much TO get married, " he
growled. N Y Journal
''Pray what do ladies find to think
about besides dress and parties?' said
a tine-looking army officer who has
been doing guard duty in Washington
for the past seventeen years. The re-
mark was addressed to the Assembly,
but it was taken up by Miss Cleveland.
"They can think of the heroic deeds of
our modern army officers she said,
smiling pleasantly. The officer sub
sided Washington Cor.
A newspaper man. who writes the
obituary notices and the financial arti-
cles, went into restaurant the other
day while suffering from severe cold.
When waiter handed him the menu
he said: Here, you have made mis-
take. The waited looked perplexed.
You have put the carte before the
hoarse, explained the newspaper man,
and the waiter Immediately struck for
higher wages. And no wonder!-Nor-
rfSlolcn Ht5ud
Mrs. Slimdet- You seem to know
everything about horses. Won't YOU
explain to me how 70 tell horses
ageP" Thin boardcr-. Certainly. By
the teeth )" 20. yes; | had heard of
that, but | had forgotten il. Can the
ages of all animals be known in the
same way?n Yes; | can tell a chick
ems age by the teeth. "A chicken
has no teeth. " No; but | have. -
Philadelphia Caii.
Life must be very pleasant on the
Congo. Instead of man having to
rush home at p. IN. to give his wife
four hours time to prepare for the
opera, and then wait another half hour
on the front steps until the 200 and odd
forgotten things are found and arrang-
ed, the Congo husband strolls home Il
few minutes hefore the performance be-
gins and simply says: Sarah, adjust
your hairpin. We will go 10 the opera"
tht0uctcle.
Now, then, said the cashier TO his
wife, ARE You dressed for The journey,
my dear?n ''All ready, my love"
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