The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-10-01


IF you would avoid the deep end of
the ouagmire of trouble, learn to de-
pend on yourself.-Barbers' Gazette.
TIE man who figures on the depth
of body OF water usually does some
sound reasoning. TraUeler.
THIRTEEN has always been an I'M
lucky number. Adams thirteenth rib
was the cause OF all his troubles.
Paul Herald.
@How DO you like your new neigh
bors. Mrs. Miggs?" "Oh, / don't think
they amount to such great sight"
"Why not ?" "They don't have no PIE
on wash day. "-Chicago Ledger.
THERE is man in Troy named Mus
keet. We suppose IL Muskeet-owes
man grudge he will present his bill
and demand pay if it takes his last
drop of blood to pay Whitehall
Times.
In reply to English criticisms upon
| the fine v of American women's travel
| ing costumes, native belle remarks
that when one is on jaunt is just the
time one ought to look jaunty.-Ierds
| Siiings.
GONG security for relative is
good deal like licking red-hot poker
with the tongue There is nothing to
be gained, aud only about one man In
million can do it without being
scorched. Chicago Ledger.
The meteor which recently fell in
Illinois and was reported to be four and
half tons in weight has been found
to be Chicago hotel clerks diamond
stud which had been struck by light
ming. The clerk has not been dis
covered.-FaH Riper AdUance.
EPITApH ON A TALON CHANDLER.
The taper lighted at his birth.
The years increasing brought,
And thus, to pay his debt to earth.
Its bright enlightenment he sought
Alas his mission now is DER.
No longer life claims aught OF him.
Well greet his radiant work no more.
For ruthless Death has doused his glim.
boston Courier.
"THE gradual lengthening of the
days." says an exchange, lis due to the
obliquity of the ecliptic to the ter
restrial horizon" That may be what
makes the days long, but we'll be
blamed If it isn't the cats that make
the nights 50 short. -NelUn,a7l hide
pendent.
SAME OLD WAY.
"Hurrahl" cries the urchin,
The circus is here,
And. by golly, haven't cent?"
But he lodges around.
Till he finds the coast clear,
And then he crawls under the tent
-Lemdrs Mirror.
ANOTHER boarding has closed
up. One of the boarders found an oys-
ter in his soup and held it up to the
gaze of all assembled around the fes-
tive board. The landlady said such
extravaganza would ruin her. The
cook was censured for neglect of duty
and the boarders unceremoniously or
dered to get. Yonkers Gazette.
WIFE-"Well, Doctor, how is my
husband?" Doctor-"Getting along
finely. He is not in critical state at
ALL" "Sorry to hear that" well,
that's queer" Indeed it isn't; it's
sign he's pretty sick" "Why, madame,
in what way ?" when he's well he's
mighty critical, 1 can tell you" -Phila-
delphid CAL.
THE minister stood up in the pulpit,
gray-haired and with solemn counte-
nance, endeavoring to impress upon the
minds of his congregation their utter
helplessness when they attempted to
battle against the DEGREES of God.
"What can you do?" he shouted, in O
rich, sonorous voice, that rung through
the church as clearly as the note from
the bugle. "The Dutch roll, answered
a doing sister on the front seat. She
was a role skater. Carl Pretzeps
Weekly
ScHooL-TEACHER-Jimmy, stand up
and wipe your nose. What is the CAPT.
tai of the United States? Jimmy
Can't tell, ma'am. Teacher-It's Wash
ington now do you think you can re-
member that? Jimmy-Yes, ma'am,
but L don't believe it is. Teacher
My gracious! why do you say that,
young man? Jimmy-"My ma says
there can't be any dependence put in
anything you say. She says You are
an awful liar" The teacher soon con-
WINGED Jimmy that Washington was
the capital Times.
MANS TROUBLES.
Man that is married to a woman is of many
days and full of trouble.
In the morning he draws his salary, and In the
evening,
Behold. 1t is gonel
lt is tale that is told;
1t is vanished and no man knows whittier it
goeth
He riseth MP clothed in the chilly garments
OF the night
And seeketh the somnolent paregoric,
Mherewith TO soothe his infant posterity.
He cometh a horse OK,
And draweth the chariot of his offspring.
He speedeth the shekels in the purchase Of fine
linen
To cover the bosom of his family:
Yet himself is seen at the gates OF the city
With one suspender.
Yea, he is altogether wretched
Royal 1rcanum Journal
Tho Eaufuatiou