Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1885-10-19

1t is a wise provision Of nature, that a
man can neither kick himself nor pat his
own back.
Glove, says writer, sis great lev
eler." Very true, but it doesn't compare
with the old gentleman's foot.
She was plump and beautiful and he
was wildly fond of her; she hated him,
but, woman-like, she strove to catch him.
He was fly.
A base ball enthusiast wants to know if
an umpire can be christian. He must be.
All the christian virtues are required in
that position.
"When Mr.. F. goes fishipg," writes
a correspondent, che never comes home
empty" Alas, that is the case with too
many fishermen.
Never refuse advice, my son. OF course
you have no use for it. Nobody ever has.
But it is very handy to have, to give to
somebody else.
The king of Denmark has wart on his
chin which he would give $4,000 to get
rid of. Five minutes fooling around a
buzz saw would do it.
A Connecticut man buried $275 in
greenbacks, and his hogs rooted the mon
ey mp and ate it. He is now a strong ad-
vocate of hard money
Next to having a handsome figure her.
self, lady's chief desire is that her hus-
band should have a handsome tigure-any-
| where from $5OO,OOO to 81 ,OOO,O 900.
A girl will sing and girl will dance,
and girl will work crochet; but she
can't throw stone and hit a church be-
| cause she amt built that way.
Grocer-Half a pound of tea? Which
will you have, green or black. Servant
Shure ayther will do. It's for an
old woman that's nearly blind.
| 81 can't understand it, said Mrs. Black
the other day. "When dry goods are
cheap money is always scarce. It's like
pair of scales where both ends go down
at once.''
| A Pittsburg woman, who watched two
| pugilists, who were suitors, fight sixteen
rounds for her hand. wisely concluded tc
take the fellow who got whipped. He
was easier to handle.
Gay old gentleman to boy, on twelfth
birthday: 1 hope you will improve in wis
dom, knowledge and virtue. Boy, polite
ly returning compliment, totally uncon
scious of sarcasm The same to you, sir
An Iowa judge has decided that a MAJ
is in duty bound to tell his wife where h,
spends the evenings when he is ava,
from home. This decision is all right t,
a certain extent, but suppose the maj
doesn't know.
A little boy, who had only been asleeI
five minutes, but dreamed about fiv
years, was incredulous when he was toll
how short time he had slept. He final
ly remarked: "WeI, that may be so; bu
it's funny how long it takes to sleep flv
minutes
At this season of the year the secretar
of the agricultural society is busy wit
the dictionary. He is looking for adjeC
tives to apply to those exhibits for whic
there are no premiums. 1t is a cold da
when the secretary stirs the wrath of a
exhibitor by leaving out the proper at
jective.
''Does your husband go to to the lodg,
: Mrs. Gibberick?" s'Well, he Just dom
d broke up that little game a while ago
"Why, how in the world did YOU do it;
# "Whenever he started for the lodge
2 went with him as far as the skating RIM
e and told him to call for me on his wa
i, home. 1t only took few doses to cul
\ \ him."
d An eplcnre says that to get the full fl
1t vor OF butter, the bread upon which it
n spread should be inserted in the mou-
g buttered side down. The fact that Il
y buttered side up is the general custor
n is indicated of Il general and perhans h
r reditaIy dccliliatioh not to get the fl
g flavor OF the buttel. We have known fl
flavor of butter To be so full as To fair
stagger you.