Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-09-16
Railway Etiquette.

VI shS "ShShe "hu Su'u"hSO Va o"Shj
these few crisp, plain, horse-sense
rules of etiquette have been framed.
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn
to the right on discovering an ap-
preaching train. If you wish the
train to turn out, give two loud toots
and get in between the rails, so that
you will not muss up the right of way.
Many nice, new right Of way has
been ruined by getting a pedestrian
tourist spattered all over its first
mortgage.
On retiring for the night on board
the train, do not leave your teeth in
the ice-water tank. If every one
should do so, it would occasion great
confusion in case of wreck. 1t would
also cause much annoyance and de-
lay during the resurrection. Expert
enced tourists tie a string to their
teeth and retain them during the
night.
If you have been reared in extreme
poverty, and your mother supported
you until you grew up and married,
so that your wife could support you,
you will probably sit in four seats at
the same time, with your feet extend
ed into the aisles so that you can wipe
them off on other people, while you
snore with your mouth open clear to
your shoulders.
If you are prone to drop to sleep
and breathe with a low, death rattle,
like the exhaust of bath-tub, it
would be good plan to tie up your
head in feather bed, and then insert
the whole thing in the linen closet, or
if you can not secure that, you might
stick it out Of the window and get it
knocked off against a tunnel. The
stockholders of the road might get
mad about it, but you could do it in
such a way that they wouldn't know
whose head it was.
Ladies and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while in
beastly state Of intoxication.
In the dining car, while eating, do
not comb your moustache with your
fork. BY all means do not comb your
moustache with the fork of another.
1t is better to refrain altogether from
combing the moustache with a fork
while travelling, for the motion of the
car might jab the fork into your eye
and irritate it.
If your dessert is very hot and you
do not discover it until you have
burned the rafters out of the roof of
your mouth, do not utter wild yell
of agony and spill your coffee all over
total stranger, but control yourself,
hoping to know more next time.
In the morning is good time to
find out how many people have sue
ceeded in getting on the passenger
train who ought to be in the stock car.
Generally you will find one male
and one female. The male goes into
the wash-room, bathes his worthless
carcass from daylight until breakfast
time, walking on the feet of any man
who tries to wash his face during
that time. He wipes himself on nine
different towels, because when he gets
home he knows he will have to wipe
his face on the old door-mat. People
who have been reared on hay all their
lives generally want to fill themselves
full of pie and collie when they travel.
The female of this same mammel
goes into the ladies' department and
remains there till starvation drives
her out. Then the real ladies have
about 13 seconds apiece in which to
dress.
If you never rode in vanished
car before, and never expect to again,
you will probably roam up and down
the car, meandering over the feet of
the porter while he is making up the
berths. This is a good way to let
people see just how little sense you
had left after your brain began to
soften.
In travelling, do not take along a
lot of old clothes that you know you
will never wear.
Never walk through a car staring
every body out of countenance, like
Jim Crow detective hunting for the
James boys, but mind your own busi-
ness, be quiet, polite and patient, and
then you will feel as though you we're
among friends all the time, and you
will leave the train with a pang of
genuine regret.-Bill Nye.
A Poser for the Court.
There was buxum lady, with a