Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1885-04-24
HUMOR OF THE DAY.


Some people pass through various vi
cissitudes in life without losing hair.
Probably because they were bald headed.
- Waterloo Observer. ......
A widow in India burns herself for
her husband. In America she marries
another and gives him roasting
Pittsburg Chronicle. ... ...
1.-THE way to sleep" says a scientist,
"is to think of nothing" When an
editor wants to slumber all he has to do
is to try and remember how much money
he has in the world.-Boston Post.
Court plaster on ladies' faces in public
places is becoming fashionable in the
East. In the West the girls use the old
style of court plaster, which consists OF
mustache mixed with a loud noise
Pittsburg Chronicle.
A baseball player says he would
never vote again for certain member of
tie legislature, because when a certain
clause in a bill was up, he had under
stood the member had made a motion to
strike out.-H6rchant- Traveler.
If the world is indeed worse than it
was some centuries ago, we suspect it
may be accounted for by the fact that in
those times man didn't have to wear
suspenders without buttons to match, o
use matches for buttons. Bread
Says a writer on table etiquette Il
you are of party to dinner or lunch
wait by your chair until all seat them
selves" If this rule is rigidly observed,
~ L =
fore the company is successfully seated.
First policeman-"Arranged your
plans for next summer?" Second police.
man-"Oh, yes; I shall spend the entire
season among the breakers" 'The en-
tire season. You don't say so7" Eyes;
among the law breakers. ."-PhtLadelphla
Call.
We are glad to learn from valued
contemporary that "pickled walnuts are
now introduced at dinner" If there is
anything we dislike it is to sit opposite
picked walnut at dinner and not be on
speaking terms with .-PhiLadeIphiG
Press.
No one is ever killed by lightning
when asleep in bed, according to the as
sertion of an English electrician. When
ever you hear clap of thunder always
go to bed and fall asleep Immediately.
This is sure precaution. -NeaO York
Graphic.
Scene on horse car: Passenger
Conductor, what are we being delayed
for2" Misplaced switch,
sir" Little boy in the rear-"Well,
thot 30 What T +rlI n,otbar u;
| when she gave me such a whaling" !"
Passengers in chorus all smiling and sat
lsfed.
Chow are you, Smith?" asked Fourth
avenue man of a friend he had not seen
for nearly year. Chow are all the
girls2 Are you as sweet upon Miss Jones
as you used to be2" "Oh, no. l left
that off several months ago." "Have a
quarrel2" "No. I married her last
August. - Graphic.
There was a man in Norristown,
And he was very tall;
| He went into the skating rink
And got heavy fall. "
And when he found himself laughed at.
With all his might and main
He quickly sprang upon his feet
And fell right down again.
-NorristOOh Herald.
"My dear" said husband to his
wife, II am unable to get any sleep; 1
have tossed ever since | came to bed; I
wish you would get up and prepare me
a little laudanum." "It's hardly worth
while now," she replied, consulting her
watch; ''it's almost time to build the
kitchen fire." Then he sank into quiet,
restful slumber. Boston Journal. ...
A well-known gentleman in this city
is the author of novel which relates to
the adventures of a party on desert
island. In the course of the story he
describes the building of steel yacht,
and remarks that the plates were riveted
together. A critic, picking him up,
asked him how they accomplished the
riveting, and was met by the reply that
the goats which they found on the island
| butted them in. Boston Post.
IN THE SPRING. s...
in the spring the gentle poet braves the ter.
rors of the club;
In the spring the fisherman goes forth to
hunt the early grub.
In the spring pugnacious rams fight every
thing that comes along,
And the fish-dispensing huckster fills the air
with chunks of song.
In the spring the dandelion star begems the
vernal scene;
In the spriug the lettuce salad antedates the
lima bean.
In the spring a hungry cry goes upward from
the porcine pen,
And the early cackle blossoms from the gull
let Of the hen.
In the spring the Vassar maiden sits upon
the sylvan moss;
And the billygoat devours tomato cans with
hoopskirt sauce
In the spring the funny writer courts the ice
cream joke once more,
And the great spring-oonnete chestnut sets the
" 3<'7 -Hatchet