The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-12-30
A Campaign that Failed.

A Campaign that Failed.
From Mark Twain's Private His
tory Of Campaign that Failed" in
the December Century We take this
incident:
"For time life was idly delicious,
it was perfect there was nothing to
mar it. Then came some farmers
with an alarm one day. They SAID
il was rumored that the enemy were
advancing in our direction, from over
HYDE prairie. The result was a
sharp stir among us, and general
CONSERVATION. 1t was a rude awak-
ening from our pleasant trance. The
rumor was but a rumor-nothing
definite about it: SO, in the confu-
sion, we did not know which way to
retreat. Lyman was for not retreat
ing at all in these uncertain circum-
stances, but he found that ifhe tried
to maintain that attitude he would
fare badly, for the command were in
no humor TO put up with insubordi-
nation. So he yielded the point and
called a council of war-to consist OF
himself and the three other officers
but the priyates made such a fuss
about being left out that we mad to
allow them TO be present. mean
we had TO allow them to remain, for
they were already present, and do
ing the most of the talking too. The
question was, which way to retreat
but all were so 6urried that nobody
! seemed to have even guess to offer.
Except Lyman. He explained IN
few calm words, that inasmuch as
the enemy were approaching from
over Hyde's prairie, our course was
simple; ell we had to do was to re-
treat toward him any other dlrec-
tion would answer our needs perfect
4 ly. Everybody saw IN moment
how true this was, and how wise; so
Lyman got great many compll-
ments. 1t was now decided that we
should fail back on Masons farm.
1t was after dark by this time, and
as we could not know how soon the
enemy might arrive it did not seem
best to try to take the horses and
things with US, so we only took the
guns and ammunition and started
at once. The route was very rough
and billy and rocky, and presently
the night grew very black and rain
began to fall, so we had a trouble
some time of it, struggling and STUN
bling along in the dark and soon
some person slipped and fell, and
then tie next person behind STUN
bled over him and fell, and SO did
the rest, one after the other; and
then Bowers came with the keg of
powder IN his arms, while the COM
mand were all mixed together, arms
and legs on the muddy slope, and so
he fell, of course, with the keg, and
this started the whole detachment
down the hill in a body, and they
landed in the brook at the bottom in
pile, and each that was undermost
pulling the hair and scratching and
biting those that were on top of him
and those that were being scratched
and bitten scratching and biting the
rest in their turn, and all saving they
would die before they would ever go
to war again if they ever got ont of
this brook this time. and the invader
might rot for all they cared, and the
country along with him-and all
such talk as that, which was dismal
to hear and take part in, in such
smothered, low voices, and such a
grisly dark place and so wet, and
the enemy may be coming any mo-
ment
The keg of powder was lost, and
the guns, too; so the growing and
complaining continued straight
along whilst the brigade paved
around the pasty hillside and slop-
ped around in the brook, hunting
for these things; consequently we
lost considerable time at this; and
then we heard sound, and held
our breath and listened, and it SEEM
ed to be the enemy coming, though
il could have been a COW, for it had
a cough like a COW; but we did not
wait, but left a couple of guns be-
hind and struck cut for Mason's
again as briskly as we could scram.
ble along in the dark. But we got
lost presently among the rugged lt-
tie ravines, and wasted deal of time
finding the way again, so it was after
8 when we reached Mason's stile at
last: and then before we could open
our mouths to give the countersign
several dogs came bounding over the
fence, with great riot and noise, and
each of them look soldier by the
slack of his trousers and began to
back away with him. We could
not shoot the dogs without endan-
gering the persons they were attach
ed to so we had to look on helpless
as what was perhaps the most
mortifyiDg spectacle fthe civil war.
There was light enough and to spare
for the Masons had now run out on
the porch with candles in their
hands. The old man and his son
came and undid the dogs without
difficulty, all but Bowers; but they
couldn't undo his dog, they didn't
know his combination; he was of
the bull kind. and seemed to be set
with Yale time-lock but they got
him loose al last with some scalding
water, Of which Bowers got his
share. and returned thanks. Peter
son Dunlap afterward made up a
fine name for this engagement, and
also for the night march which pre-
ceded it, but both have long ago
faded out of my memory.
An Eccentric Poets Cabin.