St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-12-27

other simple-minded philanthrOpist."
And so Josh ratified on. telling US strings
of adventures and now and then uttering a
quaint, wise thought One remark re-
member. He was saying that friend of
his had been on spree for a fortnight and
that he had a whisky head on him. whats
that?n asked. ''Why, his head was so
swollen that he had to work on his hat with
a shoe-hom."
& Before left New York called on Josh
Billings with an album and modestly solic-
tied his autograph. He took it on his
knees; gave his mouth a cOmical twist and
wrote:
Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel
just"
THE BARD OF Avon.
"And four times he who gets his blow in
fust.''
]. BILLINGS.
''Mr. Billings" said. at parting, ''it's
astonishing how your wise saws and cOmical
strawS float all over Chrstendom. One
can scarcely pick up a paper in any part of
the world where the English language is
spoken but there, in an end corner, nestles
one OF your little grains of philosophy. You
keep yourself well before the public" His
reply was compact. pertinent and to the
point: 'SYes, sir, | keep myself just suf-
ficently in the public eye without putting it
out"
/ complained to Josh one September night
some years ago, when on this side of the
Atlantic that the nights were so abomin-
ably hot couldn't sleep.
NV dear boy" he replied, ''you ought
to accustom yourself to these American al
formations OF heat and cold. Summer and
winter | always sleep with three quilts. In
summer, may remark, put them under
me-"
Josh was extremely fond of animals and
had cat at his house in Albany which
he gravely addressed as William" | sug-
gested that that was dignitied name for
puss, as cats were usually called Tom" or
Tip or quick, short cOgn0men,
But that's special, swell-blooded speci-
men of the feline race, l wish you to know"
rejoined the humorist. Recently, poor
fellow. he has had fits and since then call
him 'Fitz-William.'
When Rubinstein was over here he was
presented to Josh, and the pianist was care
full to impress the American with accounts
OF the nobility of his ancestors MY fam
ily," said he, loftily, ''goes back to the
time of the Crusaders. My researches in
this direction enabled me to discover that
one of my ancestors accompanied the En-
peror Barbarossa. Josh smiled. and af-
fecting to be immensely impressed i'm
mediately remarked: ION the piano, of
course"
One night at Nall in New York certain
lady appeared a dress exposing her
charms without reserve-charms, by the
way. which were of lean and meagre
description. | said in the hearing of Bill
un11d mr.,
attire herself in that decollete fashion"
She does it to protect her virtue" quickly
replied Josh, with quaint malice in his tone
of voice.
A good story is told of the humoristbeing
thrown, on one occasion, amonga batch OF
students in country town near New
Haven. He was tramping along with a
rusty yellow dog, and entered the bar
room of a hotel for summer refreshments
A group of the Yale lads CHANGED to be
there on froltc, and Immediately inter-
viewed Billings, whom they evidently mis-
took for farmer. They inquired with af-
fected interest after the health of his wife
and children, and Josh, with counterfeited
simplicity. gave them graphic account of
his family and farm.
''Of course you belong to the church,"
asked one of the boys.
Yes, the Lord be praised, and my father
and grandfather before me-"
Now, l suppose you would not tell a
lie," said one of the students.
''NOt for the world.'
what will you take for that dog?"
pointing to Josh's cur, which was crouching
beneath his chair.
Il wont take $50 for that dog"
''Tw enty- dollars! Why, he's not worth
20 cents.''
Il assure you would not take $50 for
him."
Come, my friend" said the student.
who, with his companions. was bent on
having some fun with the old man. Now
you say you wont tell a lie for the world.
Let me see if you will not do it for $40 dol
lars. 'I'll give you $40 for your dog"
''I'll not take it."
'YOu will not? Here! let me see if this
will not tempt you to lie'' added the stu
dent producing small bag of half-dolars,
which he built up into small piles on the
table. Josh was sitting by the table, with
his hat in his hand, apparently unconcerned.
There, added the student, there are $40.
all in silver; will give you that for the
animal" Josh quietly raised his hat to the
edge of the table, and as quick as thought,
scraped all the money into it except one
half-dollar, and then exclaimed:
Il wont take your $40! Nineteen and a
half is as much as that dog is worth; he is
your property!"
A tremendous shout from his fellow
students clearly showed the would-be wag
that he was completely sold and that he
need not look for sympathy from that quar-
ter, so he good-naturedly acknowledged
himself beaten.
Josh was impatient of the airs and graces
of the Boston shop girls went with him
into store in Washington street one day,
and he asked one of the maidens if she was
the attendant who had sold him handker-
chief the day before.
Il am the saleslady who served you" re-
sponded the reduced empress in frlnged hail
and hinged fingers, who presided at the
counter.
We'll" said Josh, 81 will take dozen
more. and as l wish to get them to my
washerlady at once will get you to send
them to my carriage around the corner My
coach gentleman cannot get to the door just
now in consequence OF the cart Of the ash
gentleman blocking the way"
1t was Josh who originated the phrase
that's now national 1.-The
business end of wasp" and when he said
to lady, lit is better to be laughed at for
not being married than to be unable to
laugh because you are" it seems to me he
uttered a sentence. to use one of his own
expressions, ''bulging out with frst-class
wisdom"
Three little points of interest before l
close. Josh did the greater part of his best
work after he was 40 years of age, and the
IT
for column of sayings" andhe wore the
long hair that trailed down his back and
flowed over his high coat collar to conceal
an unsightly wen on his neck.
| HOWARD PAUL.