Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-01-06
WIT AND HUNiOR.


Professor Young has discovered some
new wrinkles on the face of the planet
Venus No doubt she is growing ola.
Mr.. Tarwin did said, man was coined
der monkey out. Ofer dis vas der org
inal of man. der monk vas Ondidled 10
haze my sympady.- Cart Prctzet.
A Tombstone. A. T, reporter said OF
he troupe at the Opera House: 'Lasi
nights performance will be repeated
tonight, with an entire change OF pro-
gramme.
A Kentucky teacher writes to ask
whether il is 1.-The Duty of teacher 10
whip A pupil hard Nutf to cut the
blud ont or Mott. ."-NeIc York Iete-
gram.
MISUNDERSTANDING geometrical ilg-
ures on the board) don't under
stand these constructions. Student
VERY well; I'll see you atterrecitatlon
and explain them to you.
In cemetery in France one reads:
.'Here lies Gabrielle. my adored wlie.
She was an angel. Never shall 1 be
consoled for her loss" On the same
stone: Here lies Henrietta. my second
wife. She was also an angel.
Delmonico said: Every few people
understand how to cook water. We
should think the best way would BE- to
boil it. Still some people may prefer
it roasted or fried It's purely a mat
mer of taste. Philadelphia Call
Pa" asked the small boy. ''why do
they call the first piece the organ plays
in church the voluntary" because,
my son." replied the old gentleman.
1.-The organiSt runs his hands over the
keys. and the organ goes wherever it
pleases. ..a.
..Oh dear," she sighed, as her hus-
band bade her good-by in the sleeping
car. this night travel is so tedious, and
the hours are so long" ..Dont be
discouraged, he said, 'you are on a
fast train and the night will slip by very
rapidly
1.-The smallest gnat could instruct
our best aeronauts-" says religious
writer. If this is true why do our ablest
aeronauts. on going to bed in the mos
quito season, bathe themselves in PEN
nyroyal and coal-oil to keep off these
useful insects?
A Southern exchange, noting the so
ciety announcement that 1.-The correct
Young man this Winter will not be a
dude. but will be stately and intellect
ual looking" argues that newspaper
men are going more than usual into So
ciety this Winter.
Eulalia (sentimentally)-Oh, no! l
have no desire for great wealth. |
should be happy, very happy, as the
wife of a noble bread-winner. George
(practically)-And should be happy,
very happy, as the husband of good
bread maker. She concluded to learn.
If you call for beans or hash. the wait
er will sing out your order so that it
will cause every eye to center upon
you; and should you indulge in roast
| Turkey and cranberry sauce, he will
walk up to the other end of the room
and give your order in voice so small
that it can hardly be distinguished in
the kitchen, and nobody knows that
you are a swell for once. but he expects
his fee all the same.
Bismarck's fayorite beveraGe-beer
or wine-was lately the subject of a
wager between two Prussians, who act
ually applied to the Chancellor himself
| to settle the bet The Princes version
| lef: them rs wise rs they were before,
| for his secretary replied: His High
ness directs me TO inform YOU that YOU
are both in the right. ina-nuch as he is
equally fond of good wine and good
| beer, and, with the exception of his
sick days. partakes of one as well as
/ the other"
Not long since an economical real
estate owner wrote his own placard and
displayed the legend 10 Wrent" on
| one of his buildings. OF course every
| body laughed at it. Irritated by the
| circumstance, he inquired of a friend
the cause, and was told that he had
misspelled the word rent" He said
| he could easilvchange that, and speed
lily the sign Two Let was dangling
before the vision of an amused public.
That was case of the ''wrent" being
| made worse.
One afternoon as the Hon. c. W.
Raines, a lawyer well known in West
ern New York, was travelling over the
Central, he was approached by the con-
| ductor. who was one of his innumer-
| able friends, and who announced that
he wanted his advice on rather deli
cate matter 'Well, what is it?' said
the lawyer. ..Well, Mr.. Raines, the
fact is, there's big two-fisted fellow
forward in the smoker that won't pay
his fare" ..Well?" well. what |
want to ask you is this: Had l better
| let him ride free or take a licking?'-
BRAKES Magazine.
Among other occasions not already
enumerated when drink is necessary
to ones health and happiness may be
| mentioned the following: When YOU
have heard good news; when you have
| received bad news; when you are in
danger of taking cold from becoming
overheated; when you feel feverish, or
fear that you may feel feverish, after or
before being exposed to the cold; when
you have purchased any article of
clothing; when you are to attend we'd
ding, funeral. christening ora horse
trot.-BoSt0n Transcript.
Rev. Thomas 1lmmlnS, while IN at
tendance at the Humane Association
meetings in this city, organized two
Boards of Mercy" The object is to
protect all creatures from cruel treat
ment. Mr.. Lee Brown, of Chicago,
.elated an incident which occurred in
one of the schools there while Rev.
Timmins was at work. The pledge
was written on the blackboard, and
all the pupils but one held up their
hands to indorse it. The young nope
tul replied: well, I'll tell you. Bill
Daley sauced me yesterday and smash
ed my face. and l want to lick him first
and then I'll join. ."-RttSJurg Times.
When a drummer has made up his
mind to sell merchant goods the mer-
chant might as well make up his mind
to buy. A Dallas merchant refused to
ouy any whisky from st. Louis liquor
drummer. at S not worth while show
ne me your samples said the mer-