Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-05-03
WIT AND HIINIOR.

vegetarian writes: 'lmmorallty
turks in mutton-chops, brutality In
beef, perverseness in poultry, and viii
lany in veal" Same at our boarding
house. - 7racelers' Magazine.
A New Jersey man wants a divorce
because his wife hasn't spoken to him
for nearly two years. Some men don't
know when they are well oil. Hen
pecked Editor Norristown Herald.
"Ah! you llatter me-" lisped n dude
to a pretty girl with whom he was con-
vcrsing. "No. | don't" was the re-
ply. "You couldn't be any ilatter than
you are. "--Buriington Free Press.
TO write for all time is the ambition
of every author. The man who origin
ated the series of ncgro-minstrel jokes
is the only one up to date who has ap-
parently succeeded in his endcavor.
Hon. Charles Carroll, of Shawnee
town, has our thanks for n neat and
well-eXecuted check. We transferred
it into bacon, and are transferring the
bacon into brawn and brains. --Benton
(H.) Herald.
A little Williamstown girl had the
whoopin-cough. and when she recover
ed from it she said she was glad she
didn't die while she had the whooping-
cough, because "God would not like to
have little coughing angels"
At recent lecture delivered in a
Massachusetts town Anna Dickinson's
audience consisted of one auditor and
that dude. Anna said it paid. OF
course it did; how was it to get in II it
didn't payp- Yonkers Statesman.
"No interruption of business on ac-
count of the weather" is the motto
Kalamazoo hen nailed above her nest,
and when the mercury was 32 degrees
below zero she came off with brood
of young chickens. - Detroit (Mich.)
Post.
"What amused me most at the OPP
era," said an Arab Chief who had been
taken to hear "Faust," "was one of the
musicians in the orchestra, seated a lit
tie higher than the rest, who performed
on an invisible instrument with
stick"
In recent breach of promise suit
the "course of true love- was traced in
this manner: "Dear Mr.. Smith," MY
darling john" my own darling
john" "My darling john" "Dear
john" Dear Sir" Sir" and all was
over.
The Lowell Times notes the fact that
the Civil War broke out and roller
skates were invented the same yeaf.
This is true. but the war did its worst
and stopped in four years. while roller
skates continue to plunder and murder
even up to this time.-Boston Post.
Robinson Cat the window )-Hullo!
There goes that woman Browns so
dead sweet on! Mrs. X. Crushing up
with exctemenD - WhereP - whop =
whercp What, Mat-in the gray
Why, George, how ridiculous you are!
That's his wife! Robinson-Exactly,
my dear!-Punch.
An Irishmen, recently over, entered
a barber shop in Main street, Danbury,
Friday for shave. After the barber
was through he asked the customary
question: "Have bay rum, sirp" mo,
sor--the fact is, sor, I've just had
glass of beer. an don't loike mixin'
drinks. ."-Haryord Times.
|. "Examiner-"Now. if / were to give
fifty marbles in charge Of this boy"
Indicating the biggesD, "to divide
equally amongst you, how many would
you each receive?' Small boy (of ex-
perience) e)-"Please, sir, we shouldn't
get none at all; cause he'd collar them
all hisself. "-London Punch.
~ see," remarked Farmer Hoedown
of Hackensack to his wife the other day
as he was reading his morning paper,
"that Prof. Folem of London SAYS
fencin' is healthy exercise for girls.
Now that's what | told Melindy and
Mary Jane when we was a laying that
thousand-rod worm-fence last fall"
The following order for block of
teeth has been received by a dentist OF
Triangle, N. Y: my mouth is three
inches acrost, ! inches through the
jaw; some humocky on the edge;
shaped like horseshoe, toe forward.
If you want me to be more partik lar l
shel hav TO cum thar. Yours truly,
-"
whats that you have in your
handP" asked Mrs. Gimlet of her hus-
band as he brought home roll of man
uscript. "Brains, madam" replied
MIR. Gimlet pompously. "Are you sur
prlsed at that factp'' "Not in the
least" she replied. II knew you
didn't carry them in your head. IN
y. Graphic.
Schulze-"Hast thou already from
the paper heard in regard to thy to it
sent communicationP' Mueller - IL
received yesterday letter from the ed
itor, in which he to me his thanks ex-
pressed" Schulze-'Then congratu-
late l; but let me see. what writes he
then?" Mueller r--"Thankfully return
ed. ."-OmniJus.
A tramp stopped at house in the
suburbs of Houston and said to the lady
OF the house: "Please give poor man
who is travelling and who is far away
from home tritle to help pay his ex-
penses." IF you haven't got any
money to pay your expenses, why do
you travelP'she asked in astonishment.
-1ezas Sytings.
Yes, yes, my son. know. Sunday
school lemonade is awfully thin. But
1t isn't half so thin as the jokes that are
made about it. That way out, please.
Straight TO the right; mind the step,
it's rather dark. All, there he goes
down the elevator well. Another good
humorist gone wrong. in
brooklyn Eagle.
There Is at least one uptown man
who hasn't forgotten his New Years
resolutions. He was observed at a late
or early-hour, holding an earpest
argument with tobacconist's sign,
and was heard to close the discussion
with the remark: II tell yous sno ush,
shworeoff smok'n aand drink'n lash