Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-06-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

milwaukee eultOr committed sui
eide because he was in debt. 1t is
such an unusual thing for an editor to
be in debt that he could not stand it
Boston Post.
| 1t is predicted that the next House
will in solemnity and dignity rival the
Senate. The funny and hilarious
members Cox. Belford and Horr-
will all be gone.
(which one of Longfellow's poems
does this act remind you OPP asked
an impccunious poet as he pawned his
gold lead-pencil. Give it up was
the expected answer. ..Why, The
Hanging of the Crayon,' of course. -
N. !. Journal.
1t is estimated that it costs AZ cents
to stop train; but the clumsy young
man who stopped train at ball by
stepping upon it says 1t cost him the
lady who wore it and number of
sleepless nights. He will probably not
admit it. but it was money in his peck
ct NorristoUn Herald.
A Young woman in Southern Illinois
has just died from having her ears
pierced. The young man. however,
who makes her sad fate his excuse for
not giving his best girl pair of hand
some earrings on her birthday, will
make mistake more mistaken than
any of the mistakes of Moses. = Somer-
UiI!e journal.
Bismarck's salary as Chancellor is
Sl3,500, and barely covers his expen-
ses. The only extravaganza Bismarck
is reported to indulgeis in the matter
of drinking beer. 1t is said he con-
sumes sixty schooners at one sitting,
but beer is very cheap in Germany.
and sometimes, of course, the other
fellow treats Norristo,0n Herald.
Maxtield Bean was in manufacture
ing town last week, when very fash
ionably dressed young passed along.
he was told that it was n clerk in one
of the cotton mills and quite lady's
man. In fact the girls had spoiled
| him. That was my idea of him."
said Maxfield Bean; ''if not spoilt, /
thought he was a little mill dude.
The game of whist, as everybody
knows, is apt to subject man of an
irascible temper to very severe strain,
and the more of an adept at it he is the
| greater the trial to his patience. His
| partner may spoil his whole game by
carelessness, or stupidity. and. worse
than all, he may himself BIO guilty of
lapses which SO disturb his peace of
mind that he is liable to boil over on
the least provocation. IN !. San.
Yes" said father of several chill
dren, II was proud and happy man
when my first child was born. 1t was
boy, and | deposited 500 in the
bank to his credit in honor of the
event That was fifteen years ago"
with the accommodating interest it will
amount to quite sum by the time he
reaches manhood" Yes, it would if
l had left it there, bat had to draw it
out when the second came. ~. Y
Times.
A negro brought suit in Mitchell
county Justice court for possession of
two shoats and sow and pigs, and
gained it. His lawyer, as soon as the
case was decided, settled the fees for
himself, Squire A., the lawyer on the
other side, and the court 'Well, Joe,
Squire A. will take one of the shoats,
I'll take the other one, the Judge will
gained the case. "-Mac0n (Gd.) Tele-
graph
The Peasant and the Dog.-A Peas
ant who was Awakened at midnight by
the Barking of Dog under his Win
dow threw up the Sash and callod out:
"How. now-what is the dangerp"
There is none" Then why do you
Bark and Disturb my SlumbersP"
For the same Reason that you play
the Fiddle and keep me Awake-for
Self-Amusement. Moral: When the
Piano next door becomes Unbearable
buy your boy Drum. Detroit Free
Press.
Can you stand conundrum, Mrs.
| Allsmiles?" asked boarder of the
landlady. Il can stand anything from
a gentleman who pays his board
promptly" she sweetly smiled. well,
then, what is the difference between
this alleged food and a certain bank
President now in jail?" At that mo-
ment the landlady had important bust
ness in the kitchen, and the bold board
er edited his fellow-sufferers with: "One
is an old fish ball while tho other is a
bald old Fish,"
Wilson Candless. one of the most
poverty-stricken young men of Calves
ton, applied to Col. Rchley for the
hand of his daughter. I'm the first
] place I've sent in my application to
President Cleveland for position in
one of the departments. Have you
any other resourcesP" asked the pros
pective father-in-law. "You bet |
have. I'm seriously thinking about
giving up smoking PAR exclaimed
the young lady, "that's enough for us
to begin with, amt itp" TeraS sift-
tngS.
Splitting of the entente cordtale: Hos
letter McGinnis is thinking about TAX
ing trip to FL Paso for his health, but
his mother-in-law has been telling him
that there is danger of being scalped
by Indians, and that he had better stay
I right here in Austin. Nonsense re-
piled Hostetter McGinnis, ''there used
to be Indians on the FL Paso road, but
they have all been driven off, l don't
believe there is an Indian in the whole
country" '.Well, well,n replied the
wife's mother, "when you get out on
the plains, and one of those wild beasts
comes at you whooping and yelling,
then you'll think of me-" II don't
doubt it; anything of that kind is cal
culated to make mo think of you," re-
! piled Hostetter McGinnis, and now the
entente cordiGle has been spilled, and
there is a GOODNESS between them
Teas SVttngs.
A Kentucky girl was too much for
| Tennessee dude. A Louisville dam
sci was visiting Memphis, and was sit
ting upon a sofa with fresh young
society man, who, as the conversation
progressed. allowed his arm to gradu-
ually fall down until he had it around
her waist She arose very indignant
and he made the following apology;
IL hope you will not think anything Of
this. 1t is just a way have. All the
Memphis boys act the same way. and
you will have to get used to it. l hope
you will not take any offense at it as
it's just my way" She left the room,
but came back in few minutes with a
married friend, and sat down on the
sofa again. Soon she began to yawn
and give every indication of being
thoroughly bored. Finally she said
I'm dreadfully sleepy, and hope
you'll go home. You mustn't take any
offense at this. All the Louisville girls
act the same way. You are exceeding
| ly tiresome, and you had better &C
home at once. Don't be offended al
this. 1t is simply a way have" He
didn't linger.