Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-11-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

The colored debating society in q
Georgia town has been discussing the
question:: (which are the moro useful
to society, lawyers or buzzards?"
There are men in politics quite capa-
BILE OF walking up to the polls with a
jug of rum in one hand and Prohibi-
ton vote in tho other Ne0 Orleans
hcayune.
The inhabitants of Burmah worship
idols of brass. Book-agents would
probably meet with very different re-
ception in Burmah from what they do
here. burlington Free Press.
We have just discovered why man
going fishing always carries bottle
with him. 1t is in order that he NAV
have the cork to use as a float for his
line.-LoweH Citizen.
A Cork paper publishes the follow
ing: Those words printed pigs and
cows in Mr. Parker's letter on the
land question. which appeared in yes
terday's issue, should have been pros
and cons.
They have discovered footprints
three feet long in the sands of Oregon,
supposed to belong to a lost race. 1t
Is impossible to conceive how race
that made footprints three feet long
could get lost
Are you married man?p mo.
sir; l am bachelor .Will Won
please tell this court how long you
nave been bachelor, and what were
the circumstances that induced you to
become oneP"-Teras siftings.
As drug clerk the female is not a
brilliant success. When you wink at
her across soda-fountain she doesn't
know whether to put little balm of
giiead IN your soda or hang her head
and blush. Ife6ster City tribune.
The Indiana editors recently discuss
ed the question, us 1t the DUTY of
Political Editor to Defend an Unworthy
CandidateP" 1t was finally decided
that it all depended upon the value of
the county printing. Detroit Free
lress.
Biologists predict that Niagara Falls
will have retired to Lake Erie 1873
946 years hence. II the Niagara Fails
hackmen will retire into Lake Erie
about the same period, we shall not
mourn either transition. -NoTristoyn
Herald
The rarefied air made the poor po-
MES pant rs they put out their hoofs
among the rocks near the summit; and
let me here advise those of our sex who
ascend Pixies Peak to loosen their cor
sets before starting. Woman in Aew
Orleans Pcayune.
A tennessee negro who died of gen.
eral debility was turned over to the
doctors, and post-mortem revealed a
score OF shirt-buttons in his stomach.
We are not surprised. A mans shirt
buttons are almost never where they
ought to be.-Puck.
The Derrick and the Blizzard contest
the newspaper field of Oil City, Pa.
The Derrick, in closing notice of the
death of Peter Gidders, lately said:
Shortly before 6 o'clock a lady began
reading the Btizzard to him, and in
less than two minutes he died. Ell
mira AdcerttSer.
"Can you direct me to the Apollin-
arts spring." inquired lady at Sara
toga. 1.-The Apollinaris springp"
Yes; my husband goes there every
morning before breakfast, and would
like to see il. HIN. You will
find the Apollinaris spring. think, in
the basement OF the hotel. ''-NeU York
san.
Uncle Jake (to his chums as an illus
tration OF the simplicity of a stage
load Of city folks recently under his
charge)-'.As we turned Claggett's
Bluff, about o'clock. the hull crowd
busted out in .Ohsv an .Ahs!' an
what dye s'pose twas all about? Why,
one of them common red an yaller
sunsets. "-Harper's BGzdr.
Two St. Adams men were discussing
material used for building purposes,
and, among the rest. laths. Comment
ing on the fact that the price of laths
was comparatively high, one of them
remarked: ~ don't see what in the
world keeps laths up" when third
party, who never lets chance go when
he sees it, made the simple reply.
malls" -Messenger.
An individual applies to the cab
company for situation. do YOU
know how to drivePn "Yes, sir"
''You know that you must be polite
with all your passengers?" "AhI"
"And honest. For example, what
would you do if you should find in
your cab poeketbook containing $10.-
COOP" Nothing at all. / should live
on my income. Figaro.
Wife (reading) Isn't this funny,
my dear? Here is an article which
says they have found new species of
birds in Australia which have four legs.
Now, whatever do you suppose they
want four legs for?"
Husband (yawning) = "They are
probably politicians, my love, and by
this beautiful dispensation of their
Creator they are enabled to stand on
both sides of the fence at the same
time. "-RuraL Home. )
The Concord School of Philosophy
has just discussed subject of great
interest to the members of our fire de-
partment. A report of the proceedings
says that DR.. Hedge talked for more
than an hour of that remarkable work
called "Das Macrchen. In the days
of the old volunteer fire department in
New York, ''Jakey" and Nose call
ed it Der Masheen," but they were
not classical spoilers. -Ao,ristown Her
ad
II think I'm the unluckiest man in
town." said husband to his wife.
Smith has owed me $50 for three
months, and he promised to pay me
to-day"
Didn't he payP" she asked, anx-
iously.
''Yes. he paid, but while he was in
the act OF giving me the money Brown
came in-you know I've owed Brown
500 for more than a ycar-and, of
course, had to turn the money over
to him. That's what call hard luck.
-Aea0 York san.
When in a well-sprinkled street you
find yourself before door in front of
which lies very white and very dusty
patch OF pavement it is useless for you
to 60 in there and ask a subscription
for your book or some money to buy
you loaf of bread at the corner sa-
loon. The man who wears patch of
dust in front OF his house is not often
liberal man. He gets the advantage
of the sprinkling for which his neigh
bors pay and gives them his dust in re-
turn. but the money he thus economi-
cally saves up he is not lavishing on
the poor. Cincinnati Commercial Ga
zette.
"A German gentleman" says our
correspondent. twas once given, at a
parish social occasion, the task of pre-