davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
JoHNnY.s INCONSISTENCIES.
How Precocious Youngster Discovered /
New Kind of Dirt.

How q Precocious Youngster Discovered z
New Kind of Dirt.
On train up in Wisconsin was .
small boy from Chicago and his large
mother. They had been visiting some
country relatives, and the large mother
was evidently afraid the small boy had
acquired bad habits and other para
sites while playing with his country
cousins, for she got his head
down upon q newspaper in her lap and
held it close to the window, and began
to look around in the hair as if she had
lost something. Every few seconds
Johnny raised his head and inquired in
Il loud voice:
INA, what you doing?'
Hush, Johnny" his mother whis-
pered, II am looking for dirt
Then Johnny resigned himself to his
fate, only to rise up again in a few sec
onds, and exclaim:
INA, do you find any dirtp"
''Sh-h! Lie down. Johnny" was the
good mothers reply.
Twenty seconds passed, and the in
quisitive boy bobbed up his head once
more, saying:
INA, want to see the Dirt
'.Be still, child, sh-h!' whispered the
industrious matron.
Down went the little head, but it
could not rest in peace. The eyes in it
rolled around curiously, and soon it
bobbed up again, and the boys gaze fell
upon the newspaper.
''Say, ma said the amazed Johnny,
in a voice SO loud that the passengers
all turned to listen.
what, childa''
81 say, mats awful queer dirt
that's got feet, amt itp'-C Chicago Her
aid.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
A SMOKING MINISTER.
cleveland Leader.l

Two Good Stories of a Quick-witted Meth
odist Minister.
Rev. c. d. Bum is remarkably eloquent
and witty member of one of the New En-
gland Conferences of the Methodist Episco-
pal Church. He has a peculiar drawl,
which adds much to the mirth-provoking
character of his sayings. He is, withal,
exceedingly bald and much addicted to
smoking. When he preached in - the
young men of his acquaintance used to
chaff him a great deal. for the sake of
drawing him ont. One day he was asked
how it happened that some men grew very
bald at so early an age, while Others were
well covered. "Well," said he, '.some
peoples heads run to hair and some to
BRAINS"
AT the Northport camp-meeting one day a
brother was walking about in the woods
meditating upon a sermon, when he saw
smoke curling up from the roots of large
tree that had been leveled by storm.
Mounting the trunk he crept cautiously
along and peeped over the end. There sat
Brother B., pulling away at T. d. pipe.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
Ancient Bridges.

The first bridges were of wood, and
the earliest of which we have any ac-
count was built in Rome 500 B. G. The
next was erected by Julius Caesar for
the passage of his army across the
Rhine. Trajan's great bridge over the
Danube, 4,77O feet long, was made of
timber, with stone piers. The Romans
also built the first stone bridge, which
crossed the Tiber Suspension bridges
are of remote origin. A Chinese one
mentioned by Kirchen was made of
chains supporting a roadway $50 feet in
length was built A. D. 65, and is still to
be seen. The first large iron bridge was
erected over the Severn IN 1777 The
age of railways has brought a remark
able development in this branch of en-
cheering, especially IN the construction
of bridges of iron and steel.-Boston
Budget
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
THE OPEN CRATE.

Before the swapping, glowing grato.
We sit, my wife and together,
And happy in our tete.a-tete,
Defy this dull November weather.
There's nothing like blazing fire
To make a man feel blithe and jolly,
To raise his dropping spirits higher
And drive away his melancholy.
And we enjoy, my wife and 1,
e Our CHEEKY fire when darkness hovers,
And while the cold winds moan and sigh
We sit there like pair of lovers
] sometimes think that there must be
Some subtle witchery about 1T,
But this l know. can not see
How we could ever do without It
So every night it's lighted now.
For thus we both of us have willed IL,
And every night we have a row,
To settle which of US shall build it.
-SOmerUilte Journal
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

One Price Only.
Schentlemens, schoost walk In and
look at dose winter goots."
81 How much is this overcoat?''
"Terventy tollars for dot overgoat and
dot vas making you present of dot over.
goat"
Ct That's too high"
II dells you Mishter Gilhooly, I have
only Won brice, l never drades. Choost
read dot sign On der vail Fixed Prices.'"
so, that means you fix the prices to suit
yourself. Twenty dollars is too much"
" / believe you heard me ven tole you /
had only Won price, terventy tollars."
Is It's not worth seven and half.o
Nose Schaumburg, eagerly: evil yer
give dot9"-Te1as Strings.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

An artful minister's wife fractured
a mum social the other evening and add
ed S147.S3 in fines to the church treas,
ury by casually remarking that she had
seen lovely new bonnet up stairs in the
dressing room and asking whose it was
Every lady in the room responded: ats
mine!n and then they all said Other
things, so that their husbands had ia
borrow car fare to get home. iSon,ea.
VILE .To7.;,anI
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
The Hospitable Farmer.

.'This'' said Farmer Hayseed to his city
guest as he pointed to large field, sis
where we keep Our bull.s
land are we going in there?" asked the
guest.
"Yes. but you need not be afraid. He ID
as gentle as lamb except when he sees
bright red. IL you will take this chalk and
chalk your nose we can pass through in
safety"
And the farmer chuckled softly to him.
self that night as he heard his guest pack
ing his grip.-IHe Rambler.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
Facts for Families.

In order to cook your hare, you must al
ways first catch it.
1t is much easier to catch a cold than to
catch a hare.
To get rid of cold, always use Red Star
Cough Cure.
To got Red Star Cough Cure, only re-
quires twenty-five cents.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

"A bad case of it: Several gentle
men were talking about love, and Gil.
crazy on account of the tedder passion.
That's snothingr' replied Gus De
Smith, Ivy cousin Tom is more in love
than any man ever heard Off us he
really in lpve?'' lis he? He is so much
in love TILT he has become a lettercar-
rier SO he Skn get to read her letters
sooner. Beside. as letter-carrier he
knows if she is getting letters from any
other felles.-Ieras Sstiinqs.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
years reach More Than Books.

Among other valuable lessons impaired
by this teacher is the fact that for very
long time DR.. Pierce's Golden Medical Dis
coveryn has been the prince of liver correct
ives and blood purifiers, being the house
hold physician of the poor man, and the
able consulting physician to the rich
patient, and praised by all for its magnif
cent service and efficacy in all diseases of a
chronic nature, as malarial poisoning, all
ments of the respiratory and digestive sys-
TENS. liver disease and in all cases where
the use of an alternative remedy is indicated.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
Not Familiar with Them.

Miss Clara-Can you call the names of
she different stars and consultations, Mr..
Featherly?
Featherly-oh, yes. There is the north
star and the evening star and the Great
Bear and the Little Dipper and the Milky
Way, and all the rest Oh, yes.
Miss Clara-Dhe Great Bear lis called
Ursa Major, is it not?
Featherly-Oh, you mean do know bo-
tanical namesq / am ashamed to confess
do nOt-N. Y. Times.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

THE VoLrAIc BELT Co., of Marshall, Mich,
offer to send their celebrated ELECrRo-VoL-
TAIC BELT and other ELECTRIC APPLIANCES
on trial for 80 days, to men fyoung or old)
afflicted with nervous debility, loss of vital
matism, neuralgia, paralysi land many 9TH
er diseases. Complete restoration to health,
vigor, and manhood guaranteed. No risk in.
Cured, as 80 days. trial is allowed. Write
them tonce for illustrated pamphlet, free.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

Patents are issued in this country
at the rate of six hundred week, and
yet a man who paints his mustache is
without any means of .concealing de-
ception which deceives no one.-Alta-
California.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

"A Brooklyn carrier-pigeon, started
on fly to Washington, was picked up
three hundred miles from land by yes
sci, taken to Liverpool, and returned to
its owner on the return trip of the YES
sel.-Brooklyn Eagle.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
The Amenities of Life.

"You are liar. SIR"
"You are gentleman"
'.Ahw returned the first speaker, molIi.
fed. 81 was mistaken. Please accept my
apology"
aDon't mention it." replied the other,
CURLY. II was mistaken, toos'-N Y
Graphic.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
Pile Tumors

however large, speedily and painlessly
cured without knife, caustic, powder or
ointment. Consultation free. Write for
pamphlet and references, enclosing two let
ter stamps for reply. Worlds Dispensary
Medical Association, 665 Main Street, Buff
falo, N. Y.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

The good brother was very much shocked,
and hailed him with:
Hello, Brother Bum! Are you offering
incense to the devil?''
Brother Bum slowly lifted his eyes to the
intruder's face, settled back into his old
position and drawled out:
''Ya-as. But didn't know he was so
uear."- Detroit Free Press.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

"A short distance from St. Paul is
point where the observer can look into
five counties. A town has been lately
started there, which it is expected will
some day rival St. Paul and Minneapo-
lis CHICAGO Herald
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10
Youne Mem, Read This.

THE thermometer gains notoriety by de-
grees, SO to speak.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

of either sex, however induced, promptly,
thoroughly and permanently cured. Send
three letter stamps for large illustrated
treatise. Worlds Dispensary Medical As
ISOLATION, Buffalo, N. Y.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

PIXIES TooTHACHE DROPS cure in minute, 25<
Glenn's Sulphur Sod9heals and beauties. 25c
GERMAN CORN REMOVER kills Corns Bunions
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

ADVICE to butchers-H man refuses to
pay his bill for Chicago Trio
17le.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

THERE is field for roam ants around
many a sugar barrel.-Marathon ladepe'sd-
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

A PEWTER pot may be made Of printers
zinc.-Pinsburgh Chronicle.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

THEY say the Folding Saving Machine i
immense. See advertisement in this paper
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

A MAGICIAN who can eat fire is easily sat
isfied. He's light eater, you know.-Chi-
ca0o Nail
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

WHEN silence reigns is it necassary to
carry an umbrella Palmer Journal
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

SwEETMEATs-Sugar-c hamA-Pitts
burgh Chronicle Telegraph.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-12-10

RELIEF is immediate, and a cure sure
Piso's Remedy for Catarrh. 80 cents.
The Press., 1885-10-08
WASHINGTON LETTER.
Washington D. C..

WasnlnSIon U. C., Oct. 7, lSS6.
 The past two weeks have witnessed the return of the greater part of the roaming pleasure-seeking population of w ashing- ton. They have come back from seaside and mountain resort, from Europe, as we'll as from the back rooms of their ele- gant homes on Connecticut avenue and K streets, where, it is said, many of them have passed the summer.
 Bohemian Washington has also to great extend returned to its winter haunts, and the familiar faces of many well known correspondents may be seen about the de- partments, and in the Hobbies of the up town hotels. A frequenter of Pennsyl- vania avenue and especially one who has the entree of the committee rooms at the capitol is aware that a large number of the congressman are already in the city. They may return to their homes before the be- ginning of the session, for it does not cost the average thrifty member of congress much to travel, but the session is near at hand when Washington will become par excellence the center of political activity, and when the legislative. judicial and ex- ecutive branches of the government will be brought into close juxtaposition.
 The season, as it is called in Washing ton, is increasing in length, year. by year It begins earlier in the fall and lasts later in the summer. The reason for this is that the city is yearly growing more at tractive, healthy, and home-like to those who reside here permanently, as we'll as to those who are sent here to make or to execute laws. Many representatives and senators have elegant homes here. In. stances are not wanting in which the pur- chase of home in Washington has proved te be the tomb of political ambition, and retired statesmen, like Blaine, Windom oi Minnesota, Robeson of New Jersey, and
The Press., 1885-10-08
SCENTING A SHAVER.

Many years ago, when slavery was the rule and not the exception, vessels run ming cargo were extremely clever in elud- ing capture and putting their pursuers off the scent. A good story is told of the fiagship-W Winchester, I think going out of Simon's Bay bound to the Manritius. When off Cape Hangklip, late one after noon, 8 very rakish, suspicious looking craft was sighted, carrying an unusual number of staysails and studdingsails, who, upon seeing the man-of-war, hoisted Spanish colors and her number of Mar ryat's code, and requested to be reported. passed quite close, and was apparently a passenger ship of about 500 tons burden, for as she neared them about dozen la dies, ill very smart bonnets, veils, and par asols, were observed to come on deck and wave their handkerchiefs with every dem- onstration of cordiality to the officers of the flagship. She seemed to have also q a large crew. and was very clean and smart. Suspicion was quite disarmed, and she was logged as passenger ship from Manila to Cadiz. The admiral was alone in his opinion that all was not right, re- marking that the ladies waved their pocket handkerchiefs uncommonly long and wig orously to mere passing ship; he also thought the handkerchiefs unusually large, and further he mentioned that as she pass ed he was looking out of the door in the stern gallery, and faint, curious whiff came down on the wind, reminding him of something long passed. He could not re- member for the moment of what it did re- mind him, but it suddenly occurred to him several hours after that the faint passing odor, as the vessel swept by, recalled the smell of slave ship which he had navi- gated into port years before. And he was right This same vessel was taken, off the Havana, on her subsequent voyage, and proved to have been Spanish ship from Fernando, Veloso River, in the Mozam- biqne Channel, full of slaves for Cuba. Her, captain explained with delighted pride his meeting with the flagship off the cape, and how, seeing large man-of-war bear ing down upon him with the certainty of capture and no hope to escape should the ship character be known, he adopted the clever expedient, doubtless for the first time, of dressing mp number of his men in woman's attire, a ruse that was in this instance entirely successful.
The Press., 1885-10-08
NIONSSbN.

Last Thursday evening the barn of J. 0. Mcguire in Monson, on the Hampden road, was burned to the ground with a large quantity of hay, two pigs and some tools. The flames spread to the house, which was also consumed, but might have been saved had there been ladders within reach, as it was very slow in catching.
 A concrete walk has been laid from the depot to the Cnshman House and Flynt's store.
 Monson's Grand Army post is making preparations for fair, to commence Oct. 20th and continue four nights, closing with a concert and ball inc last night.
The Press., 1885-10-08

Aale's Honey thegreat Cough cure. .25c. .6oc c& 9l
 Glenn's Sulphur Soap heals < beautifes. 25c.
 GermanCOrn Remover kills Corns Bunions
 RiiFs Mair and Whisker Dye-Black and Brown. 6oc.
 Pike's TO0thache Drops cure in Minute 25c
 Beans Rhesimatic Pills are a sure cure. soc. $ Better stop your cough while you can. Bye and bye nothing will do it. It is worth heed ing, that Parker's Tonic is the best thing known for coughs, colds, torpid liver, kidney troubles and weak lungs. You risk your life in waiting. Take it while there is yet time.
The Press., 1885-10-08

There is need of help in replenishing the relief fund, and the proceeds of this fair are to be used exclusively for this purpose The ladies and friends of the soldiers are invited to prepare fancy articles and any thing that will contribute to it's success
The Press., 1885-10-08

To PREVENT SMALL Pox.-To the editor of The Press: sure preventive of Small Pox without vac- cination, may be found in Dr. R. c. Flowers Nerve Pills, prepared by the Flower Medicine Co.,, and sold by all druggists. This has been proven by practical experience during one of the most dreadful epidem- ics of this disease ever known in America. MD.
The Press., 1885-10-08
Volume 28. Number 28.
uFga AUTUns.
Bx WILLIAM RAwsoS.

Bxt Wk1lakAA hAWSONs We're growing old, our path is dull and areary Our footsteps have not lightness as of yore And what so once delighted does but weary, We feel as traveller to an unknown shore. We ponder on the past, the long-lost faces,
 With whom in bygone times, in happy hours Life had such charms and youth such winning .t ,ssS graces, 54ss'
 And nature then all smiles and bloom and < $ flowers. kAsSsas #H# We then were young, all wore a roseate hue, . No thought'of dying autumn or of winter ss drear, %E g Ask%E Of falling leaves, of fiowerets lost to view,
 Of smiles, alas oft followed with tear. Hope, buoyant, threw her rainbow o'er tho
 stream,
 And bright eyes sparkled through the tran
 sient gloom,
 The rose bud never held the gnawing worm, And nothing seemed to live to share tomb To what regret the feeting years give birth a This beautiful kaleidoscope is changed, And smiles and hopes alike seem dashed te
 earth,
 And all, so lovable in youth estranged. But ,tis not in the seasons, or the flowers, The silent mentors the tale unfold, We cannot, as in youth, enjoy the hours;
 We, like to them, must fade and life grow r. old.
 Stafford Springs, Conn.,, September 1885.
The Press., 1885-10-08

The colored voters in Ohio are getting lots of attention and taffy just now. In Cleveland the republicans have nominated a negro letter-carrier for the legislature and the democrats 8 negro liyeryman, and the attentions of party managers to the race are assidnous throughout the state
The Press., 1885-10-08
rrO CONVALESCENTS.

After severe attack of disease, it does not matter of what type, the constitution is left in an enfeebled and enervated condition.
 THE PATIENT FEELS DE- PRESSED AND LANGUID.
 The least attempt at exercise tires him and produces unaocustomed pains and aches.
 THE REASON for this is that the tis- sues-the muscles--haye been wasted by dis- ease The glands and organs have become weakened from disease and medication. T ne stomach is not in condition to assimiiate the food that the system reqrsires to build it up.
 WHAT is NEEDED at this time is a reliable stomach and system tonic. Years of experience, and hundreds of thousands Of cases, have demonstrated that no remedy known to medical, science equals OR. Rsi c. FLOWERS LIVER AND STOMACH sANATlvE as tonic at such times.
 It invigorates and TONES UP THR STOMACH, enabling it to perform its important part in the process of digestion it corrects and regulates the action of the liver at a time when it is apt to be deranged 1; it auickens the secreting powers of the kid neys, enabling them to eliminate the polsons and waste matter from the s. stem, and lastly It Acts as a General Tonic. giving New Life and VigOr to the Tired Body and Brain.
 WThere is no other medt. cine on earth that combines all these valuable qualities.
 The testimony of thousands is, that ''after taking your Sanative for short time l feel like new person and but very recently we are in receipt of large number of letters from Grateful Friends, who, after speak ing of a late illness, say they "Never Found a Tonic so Valuable in Con- yalesence as your LIVER AND STOMACH SANATlVE.and trust that soon EVERY Sufferer may know ot it's WONDERFUL ViR- TUES" 6a s8a.k ss
 This medicine is prepared by the Flower Medicine Co.,. Boston, and is kept for sale by all druggists.
 ~valuabie Pamphlet sent free on application.
The Press., 1885-10-08
PATENTS % obtained t for new inventions , ?! ,7s

PATIENTS or paniu for Ior ns% n s ones. Caveats, Infrngements Trade Marks, and all patent business promptly attended to.
 INVENTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN REJECTED may still, in most cases, be patented by us Being opposite the U. s. Patent Oce. and engaged in PA TENT BUSINESS EXCLUSIVELY, we can secure patents in less time than those who are remote from Washington.
 When Inventors send model or sketch, we make search in the Patent Office, and advise its atent- ability, FREE OF CHARGE. Correspondence conf dential; fees reasonable; and NO CHARGE UNI LESS PATENT IS OBTAINED
 We refer by permission to the City Postmaster and to the Superintendent of the Post Ofice Money Order Division in Washington. For special references, cir cuIar, advice, &c., address,
 G A SNRW Rs fsfA E...
The Press., 1885-10-08
DOMESTIC BAKERY.

DOMESTIC BAKERY.
 Mrs. G. A. SPAULDING:, in EatOm,s BlOck, opposite Press oAice, will keep ln hand daily fresh baked Bread, Pies Cakes Dou ghnuts Orders solicited, to furnish for Parties Festivals. etc.
 RESTAURANT connected. Regular meals 25 cts.. or will be served on the European plan. DALED HAY.-Another carload just 1V received by MARSHAL BOLIEAU. The best article always on hand, and at lowest prices. MO PR ESEN'rS sHOUSEKEEPEfaN, " NO CLUBS Having negotiated with the largest Tea importers of New York for all their sa- pie Teas, we will send to any part of the United States receipt of $1 25 three pounds mixed black green tea, such as is retaied for $i and upwards pound Expressage free. Sample pounds 50 cents.
 POST CO, 21 Beekman-st. New York
 for working people. Send 10 cents HET ID postage, and we will mail you free. a AAAA royal, valuable sample box of goods
 that will put you in the way of making more money in 8 few days than you ever thought possible at any business. Capital not required You can live at home and work in spare time only all the lime. All of both sexes, of all ages grandly cessful 50 cents to $5 easily earned every evening. That all who want work may test the business, we make this unparalleled offers To all who not well satisfied we will send $1 to pay for the trouble of writing us. Full particulars directions, etc., sent free. Immense pay absolutely for all who start at once. Don't delay. Address STINsoN s Go, ,Porl- land. Maine.