The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1885-07-04
MODERN ARCHITECTURE.
BY BILL NYE.


1t may be premature, perhaps, but |
desire to suggest to any one who may be
contemplating the erection of a summer
residence for me, as slight testimonial of
his high regard for my sterling worth and
symmetrical escuteheon, testimonial more
suggestive of earnest admiration and warm,
personal friendship than of great intrinsic
value, etc., etc., etc., that | hope he will not
construct it on the modern plan of mental
hallucination, and morbid delirium tremens
peculiar to recent architecture.
OF course, man ought not to look a
gift house in the gable end, but if my
friends don't know me any better than to
build me summer cottage and throw in
odd windows that nobody else wanted, and
then daub it up with colors that they have
bought at an auction and applied to the
house after dark with a shot gun, think
it is time that we had better understand
ing.
Such structure does not come within
either of the three classes of renaissance.
1t is neither Florentine, Roman nor Vene-
tian. Any man can originate such style
of architecture if he will drink the right
kind of whiskey long enough and then
describe his feelings to an amanuensis
Imagine the sensation that one of these
modern, sawed-off cottages would create a
hundred years from now, if it should sur
vive! But that is impossible. The only
cheering feature of the whole matter is
that these creatures of disordered imagin-
alton must soon pass away and the bright
sunlight of hard horse sense shine in
through the shattered dormers and gables
and gnawed-off architecture of the average
summer resort. A friend of mine few
days ago showed me his new house with
much pride He asked me what | thought
of it. I told him I liked it frst-rate.
Then [ went home and wept all night. 1t
was my first falsehood.
The house, taken as a whole, looked to
me like skating rink that had started out
to make money and then suddenly chang
ed its mind and resolved to become tan
merry. Then ten feet higher it had lost all
self-respect and blossomed into full-blown
drunk and disorderly, surrounded by the
smokestack of foundry and with the bright
future of 30 days ahead with the chain
gang. That's the way it looked to me.
The roofs were made Of little odds and
ends of misft rafters and distorted shingles
that somebody had purchased at sheriff S
sale, and the rooms and stairs were gaddy
in the extreme | went in and rambled
around among the cross-eyed staircases and
other Nightmares till reason tottered on her
throne. Thea [ came out and stood on
the architectural wart called the side porch
to get fresh air This porch was painted a
dull red and it had wooden rosettes at the
corner that looked like a bran new car
buncle on the nose of a social wreck,
Farther up on the demoralized lumber pile
| saw, now and then, places where the
workman's mind had wandered and he had
nailed on his clapboards wrong side up and
then painted them with the paris green
that he had intended to use on something
else. 1t was an odd-looking structure, in
deed. If my friend got all the material
for nothing from people who had fragments
of paint and lumber left over after they
failed, and then if the workmen constructed
it nights for mental relaxation, and intel
lectual repose without charge, Of course
the scheme was financial success; but
architecturally the house is a gross viola,
ton of the statutes in such cases made anc
provided, and against the peace and dignity
of the state.
There is a look of extreme poverty about
the structure which man might struggle
for years to acquire and then fail. Ne
one could look upon it without feeling ;
headache for the man who built that house
and probably struggled on year after year
building little of it at time as he coulc
steal the lumber, getting new workman
each year, building knob here and pro
tuberance there, putting in three-cornerec
window at one point and yellow tile or ;
wad of broken glass and debris at another
patiently filling in around the ranch will
any old rubbish that other people had go
through with, and painting it as he wen
along, taking what was left in the bottom
of the pots after his neighbors had painted
their bob-sleds or their rent boxes-littl'
favors thankfully received-and then sur
mounting the whele pile with potpourr
of roof, grand farewell incubus of humps
and hollows for the rain to wander through
and seek out the different cells where the
lunatics live who inhabit it.
l did tell my friend of one thing that
thought would improve the looks OF hi
house. He asked me eagerly what it coulC
be. I said it would take man of grea
courage to do it for him. He said HI
didn't care for that He would do it him
self If it only needed one thing he woult
never rest till he had it, whatever tina
might be- Then I told him that if he haC
friend-one he could trust-who woulC
steal in there some night while the famil.,
were away and scratch match on the Les
of his breeches, or on the breeches of an.
other gentlemen who happened to be pres
ent, and hold it where it would ignite tn
alleged house, and then remain near ther
| to see that the fire department did no
5 meddle with it, he would confer grea
favor on one who would cheerfully retaliat
in kind on call.
NH T,,z+ar or poar1S