davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
CHINESE DEGREES.
Some of the Amusing State Papers issue
by the Empress of China.

Some of the Amusing State Papers Issued
by the Empress of China.
The DEGREES in which the Empress of
China from time to time commends,
upbraids, or warns the officials of the
Empire, are among the most amusing
state papers issued by any Govern
ment. State papers, it is true. are not
amusing as a rule; those published
lately Dy Lord Granville. for example.
can not be said to have caused much
hilarity among his countrymen. The
Empress of China, like some other SOW
ereigns and statesmen, has the adj
vantage of his lordship. An unfor-
tunate official having recently been
punished for a memorial which he pre-
sented, another official. one Fan, ven
tured to acquaint the Empress that his
fate would probably deter others from
offering their criticisms in future, and
prayed an explanation. He got it in
a right royal fashion. Fan evidently is
not deferred, says her majesty, bv the
punishment of a previous petitioner;
why. then, should he think others
would be? He evidently does not APP
prec ate the motives of the court; he
is exceedingly presumptuous 10 adj
dress an improper and abrupt repre-
sentation to the throng; and pour en-
courager les autres, he is accordingly
handed over to the Board of Punish
ments. Party government would evil
IDENTIFY not suit Pekin, TOR this is
how the Empress talks of the
palladium of Engl sh liberties: THE
creation of parties and factions, and
the support of their own party and the
villification of opposing ones. was vi
cious habit that prevailed among Off
GERS of government in the days OF
the Ming dynasty: but this evil
propensity is not tolerated now. and il
is our duty to punish offenses of such a
nature as awarning aga INST indulgence
Party government. then,
Ike the mar ner's compass. gunpow-
der. and print ne, was known in China
before we ever thought of it. Chinese
party men are now promptly handed
over to the Board of Punishments.
There are people in England who
would not be very sorry to see some OF
our party men treated likewise.-PaG
Nall Gazette.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

Thursdays and Tuesdays it would an
pear that these days are regarded as
lucky ones by the matrimonially in
clined. The question Of the influence
particular days may have upon the luck
of couple does not however, appear
to enter the minds Of those who run
away from their homes for the purpose
of marrying. The Virginia couples who
come here on excursion trains seem
to regard the opportune day az their
lucky day. That the matrimonially in
clined generally regard Friday Is bad
day to commence married life is evil
dcnced by the marriage license book in
the office of the clerk of the court,
which often remains closed during that
day. Probably during the year less
than dozen licenses are issued on Fri
DAYS. The fact that in this section of
the country Fridays are selected as the
day for using the hangman's Moose
doubtless has something to do with the
selection of other days for tying the
matrimonial moose. Now and then an
applicant will appear at the clerks Of
flee on Friday, and, remembering the
day when he gives the name, will show
symptoms of backing out Then will
one of the assistant clerks intimate that
if there is anything in luck it is more
unlucky to postpone the procurement
of the license than to get married on
Friday. for that day, named after Freya,
the goddess who, in the northern mythol-
ogy, presides over love and marriage,
is the best day of the week for the can
didates. This argument is generally
knock-do xn, and the applicant pays the
dollar and receives his transportation
papers to the state of matrimony. There
are quite number who, not regarding
the question of luck, adopt the axiom:
''The better the day, the better the
deed" and select Sunday for tying the
knot, in which case the license is pro-
cured on the day before.
That to some extent the superstition
regarding different days enters into the
minds of those who 60 to law and men,
bers of the bar is shown by the dockets
of the courts. 1t has often been re-
marked that for commencing suits Fri
day must be regarded as unlucky, as it
sometimes happens that not a single
suit is entered on that day in the dis
trict courts This is said by some to be
rather caused by habit than by any
superstition that the bad luck of COM
mencing suit on Friday will lead to
defeat.
The superstition concerning Friday
is fast becoming a thing of the past,
though the habit, which had its origin
in superstition, still remains - Washing
ton Star
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
plrH AND POINT.

We presume that If General rfsnk
Hatton journeyed to Russia he would
become General Frank Hattoff-Cur-
rent.
"A thief caught in the act said to
the ancient orator Demosthenes: II
didn't know it was yours" ..No." was
the reply; "but you knew it wasn't
yours. Golden Days.
The discovery has been made that
the world does not revolve with the
same momentum it did thousand
years ago. but It still swings round fast
enough to satisfy the man with a
heavy bill coming due.-Chicaqo Trib-
une.
1t is sad that a successful type
setting machine has at last been put in
operation. We go right smart on ma
chinery. but we want to see it trot
around the Office hunting sorts and
stealing leads before we take much
stock in it.-Chicago Ledger.
"A dude, who fell off a New York
ferry-boat. offered any one who would
save his life $l.50. The offer was final
ly accepted by an old woman who
wanted capital to set up an apple-stand.
but she didn't make a move until this
fact was fully explained to her fellow
passengers.-Detron Free Press.
Nothing makes a man prouder than
to find when he has got his garden
nicely laid out and the seeds all in, that
every hen within mile of him seems
determined to have claw in the job.
and show him how she would have ar
ranged matters if he had consulted her.
Fall Ricer Adrance.
Then and Now.
He called me Popsey, Sweet, and Pet,
When we began our married life,
His guiding star, his loved Annette,
His hope, his joy, his darling wife.
These fond endearments are all DER.
And though his heart no doubt Is true.
1hear those pretty names no more,
For now he calls me "Say there, your
-Judge-''Did you witness the acc.
dent?" Witness-sI did," Judge
eat what distancep" Witness-''Six-
ty-seven feet and nine inches" judge
How do you know so exactly?"
Witness-''Well. 1 knew that would
be summoned, and l prepared myself
for all the foolish questions that | knew
would be put to me in court of law"
M Y. Telegram.
Tenant Ito owner of East Side Har-
lem fat: "Some of the plaster in my
kitchen fell down last night, and /
want you to fix it." Landlord: ''What
caused it?' Tenant: The man who
occupies the floor above sneezed."
Landlord: well! Some people think
because they pay twenty-five dollars a
month rent they can carry on just as if
they lived in Roman citadel. IN Y.
Independent.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
A PARAlYZED BARBER.
He Tries to Cut a Farmers Hair and
Finds He Wears a Wig.

He Tries to Cut Farmers Hair and
Finds He Wears a Wig.
There's new barber in Smithfield-
street shop who is said to blush every
time customer comes in with head
of hair of over weeks growth. The
cause of his trouble is this: A we'll
known Moon Township farmer came in
Saturday, and, mounting the chair, lay
back for shave.
Hairs getting rather thin on top"
ventured the barber as he lathered his
victims chin.
"Yes," responded the gentleman,
seriously.
We've got the dandy tonic here"
ventured the barber when about half
through.
Good, is it?" said the man in the
chair, atfably.
"Why, it'll grow hair on an egg" re-
sponded the barber, as he paused to
pat the top of his customers head.
Now, you're getting quite bald up
here, an I'll bet in month it'll grow
as thick there as anywhere"
Here followed n pause, during which
the shave was finished, and, as he dried
the farmers face, he inquired:
TRY little of the tonic to-day, sir?
It's the daisy restorer."
"No; guess not" was the reply.
"Say. your hair is getting pretty
long, amt it? Or was you going to.
have it cut?'
30, l guess it isn't too long"
"Pretty long. Don't nobody wear
their hair that long nowadays"
swell, guess I'll let it 60 this
time"
Have shampoo?"
mo"
TRY some of this sea-foam? It's
the boss thing for this Pittsburgh dirt. !"
mo; and now I'll tell you sunthin',
young man. After this don't bother a
man with wig about cutting his hair
and tones and shampoos. 1t might
embarrass him, see?" and the gentle
man lifted the coverings to his Uranium
off, showing head with less hair on it
than on a roll of country butter. 1t
paralyzed the barber so that the bald
headed man had to put his wig on his
knee and comb it himself.-Iittsburgh
Dispatch.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
EARTHQUAKE PHENOMENA.
The Philosophy of the Shocks Which Are
Often Sd Destructive.

The Philosophy of the Shocks Which Are
Often Sd Destructive.
The only settled facts about earth.
quakes are that they are the result Of
some shock impaired to the rocks at a
considerable distance beneath the sur
face in a series of concentric rings, all
points on The circumference of each
ring receiving the shock at the same
moment, even though they may be
hundreds of miles apart In other
words, all points at equal distances
from the center of the earthquake re-
ceive the shock at the same moment.
Although this is theoretically the case,
according to well-known physical laws,
still, in practice, the facts are some
what different; for the shock is retarded
or accelerated according as the rock
opposes or favors the passage of the
wave. The severity of the shock in a
given place is dependent upon variety
of causes. These are: l. The strength
of the original shock: 2. The distance
from the earthquake center; and. 8.
The kind of rock on which one is stand
ing, loose gravels greatly diminishing
the force of the shock. The destruc-
tiveness of earthquakes depends rather
on the suddenness of the application
than the amount of motion. In that at
Rio Bomba. it is reported for fact that
man was hurled across stream dis
lance of one hundred feet, and landed
on an elevation fifty feet higher than
his original position. 1t is an I'M
doubted fact that objects are frequently
thrown great distances. In the Missis-
sippi Valley, during the earthquakes OF
1911 to 1914, the tops OF trees were
twisted and entangled, and strong log
cabins were thrown to the ground.
Rivers are sometimes checked in their
flow, and. in past geological ages, some
have been completely turned from thei1
course by earthquakes.-Rdlph s. Tarr,
in Popular Science Monthly.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

The following letter has reached me,
with the usual fee for valuable advice
omitted:
KIND SIR: i have dear, sweet son who
does and says such queer, odd things. My
friends think he will grow up to be a great
humorist. He is constantly saying something
funny. Only yesterday he came to me sml
ing, and asked me in such a humorous way If
1 had ever heard the bed tick. / write to You
for advice, for my heart is troubled about my
dear, sweet boy. / do not know whether
should allow him to be a humorist or not Do
humorsts make great deal of money? Do
they move in the most select circles of So
.ciety? Is the humorist profession over
crowded? Hoping you will give this letter
your earliest attention, and advise me in re-
spect TO my dear, sweet boy the best you can,
am truly yours, FOND MOTHER.
Fond mother of dear, sweet boy,
/ am glad you have come to me for
counsel in this your moment of trial
while there is vet time to save your
erring son. Another year and it might
have been too late. Even a few brief
months more, and the humor might
have struck deep into your dear, sweet
boys system, and finished its deadly
work.
If you love your son. and would have
him grow up to be great among men,
check the first seemingly innocent
jokelet that would trickle from his lips.
Check it gently if you can. but do not
spare a piece of clap-board if you must
Let me whisper to you legend:
Once upon time there was beauti-
full little boy, the pride and JOY and
hope of fond and indulgent parents,
with a vein of unworked humor in his
system. A few jokelets had fallen from
his lips, but as yet those to whom he
was dearest had not been seriously
alarmed. They had not noticed that
humor had begun its subtle work upon
a tender and yielding mind. If they
had they would have gone out and got
a shingle and exerted warm influence
in another direction. One day
medieval maiden aunt of that little boy
-came to dine at his home. She was en-
numbered with much wealth and many
poor relations, and the bane of her life
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
A Difficult Problem.

Mrs. Blank is rather young woman
with rather aged husband. He is q
scientist who spends most of his time in
obtuse speculation, although the neigh
bors say he is compelled to do most OF
the work about the house. This view
of the case was recently strengthened
by what lady visitor saw. The wife
of the scientist was at home and greeted
the vsitor cordially, who responded:
How do you do? ] am glad to see
you looking so well. And how is your
husband?'
HE is quite WELL" replied the wife
OF the scientist. '.He is in his studio
engaged in solving some difficult math-
ematical problems
just at this moment the voice of the
scientist was heard from the kitchen:
tive got through grinding coffee.
What shall IL do next?'-7eras Sytings.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

mother, cast
Y ur ey es
about y o u.
Look around
among the mil
lionaires and
grand muc-a-
MUGS of the
epoch. Let
your e a z G
.meander from
face to face.
Y on d o not
soc ahumoriSt
in the congre-
CATION. Nei-
Their do you
find a humor-
list clothed in
a s pix ct all
coat and gay
second = hand
smile moving
about in swell
society. and in
d e BIT t o his
W a s herw o.
nan.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
MY. "olp MAN."

Only one Re left, you see.
Not so young as he might be,
Yet he's all the world to me.
Heaven bless him, my old man;
Straight and comely, spick and span,
Find his equal il you can.
Since the young have left the nest
Some still living, some at rest,
In each other we are blest.
We, fond ard foolish pair,
Leave behind a world Of care.
Looking forth toward mansions fair.
Doting on my good man SO
Seemeth like the long ago,
Tho our heads are white as snow.
Seemeth Ike our wedding best
Ere a babe laid on my breast
When we loved each other best.
o Ours, my friends. was union true,
Strong enough to last all through
Whether skies were black or blue.
Memories cluster round us thick,
And my knitting needles click
And he leans upon his stick.
Heaven bless himl my old man
Constant since our love began;
Find his equal If You can.
S. b. Foster, in Inter Ocean
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
THE commissioned of Education re.

The Commissioner of Education re.
ports that there are 1901 young
women now studying in the various
colleges of the country. This is GER
tainly small proportion when the ad-
vantages offered by the female colleges
are considered. 1t is likely, however,
that the next few years will witness .
rapid increase in the number of female
eollegianS Chicago CurTeak
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

"A Georgi man paid forty-dollar
line imposed upon HIM for failing to
appear as juror rather than acknowl
edge that he was over Jury age.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

To remove rust: Take one part OF
sulphur to two parts of tripoli. care
fully mixed, and laid on with a soft
leather.-M Y. Hercld.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

land tormentor of her existence was a
crooked nose. Whilst the beautiful little
boy sat opposite his maiden aunt at
table, the conversation drifted from one
thing to another until it reached pota-
toes, many of which, it was remarked,
had that season taken the second
growth.
pa" said the beautiful little boy
with the vein of unworked humor deep
down in his system: pa, did Aunt
-Maria's nose take the second growth ?''
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

Georgia has a colored Moody in
the religious field
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17
THE HUMORISTS FATE.
"A Few Words Of Advice to a
Fond Mother,
Whose Dear, Sweet Son Is Threatened
with an Attack of Humor-The Case
of a Boy Who Vas Saved
by Barrel-Stave.

The following letter has reached me,
with the usual fee for valuable advice
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-17

The tender little jokelet fell fiat with
a dull. sickening thud. Nobody laughed.
On the contrary, deep gloom was cast
over the entire congregation. When the
first sudden shock of the jokelet had
spent itself, the father of the little boy
rose up from the table, took the little
boy by the collar, and meandered with
him out behind the kitchen, pausing BY
the wayside only long enough to pull
an oaken stave from an empty barrel.
And then there was sound of revelry,
and at the end there were woe and pain
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
NOTICE No 1897.
Z. s. Land Office. Ober,n. Z

Z. s. Land Office, Oberln. Kan.
Nov. IA. 1ss5
Complaint having been entered. at this osBo>
by Matthew A. Dun against Maurice n. Da MAJ.
for failure to comply with law as to timher
culture entry No. $50. dated july I. ism
upon the SO or section 10. TOWNSHIP
south, range q west in Tboms
county, Kansas, with view to ~
canceliation OF SAID entry: contestant alle0-
to trees. seeds or cuttings any portion OF saw
tract. or caused It to be done, at apy tir,e
since making said entry. and has also faiied
rear after entry. the said parties are hcrshs
TO appear ut this once. on the ~
LAY q JAY, -. Of 10 o'clock Z IN. to r.
llleged failure. a. T. PaTC,.,~
H"sr Register
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
Porter
Notice No 1929
Us Land Once. Oberlip.

Land Once, Oberlin. Kaus
Nov H. 1855
Complaint having been entered at this Of.
nco by j. l.. EuaTt against j. z. Nelson
for abandoning his homestead entry No 34I5
dated May Is, 1885. upon the NV or sec g. towp
south range II west I'm Thomas county Kanr.
with view to the cancellation of said entry:
contestant alleging that said j. f.. Nelson
has not built or resided upon said land si,,os
making said entry.
The said parties are hereby summoned l.
appear at this Office On the 18th dav Of
Jan. 1885, at 10 O'Clock In to respond ana
fsrnish testimony concerning said alleged
A. l.. PATCBIN, Register
). =. wilson Addleman 4U43dl0
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
Notice for Publication No. :. 30.

e. S. Land Office. OLer!in. Kan. Dec. :. 1885.
Notice i hereby given that the following.
named settler has filed notice or hiSintention
TO make mai proof in support of his
claim and that said proof viii Ice made
before the Register ands Receiver at
Oberlin. Kansas on Jan. 26, lS>6, viz:
Georee Kclham ID. 5. No. 2i.9. for the ne or sec
80. town s.. range IS W. He names the fol-
lowing witnesses 10 prove his continuous res
idcnce upon and cultivation of said land. viz;
John FINLEY. of Otterhourne, Kan, Henry
u akeman of Cumberland Kan. and Josiah
Rhoteu and Fay Gibbs. Of Scio. kanr
A. L.. PATCHIN, Register.
Wilson & Tactia. 14Gdls
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
Notice FIR Publication No lo4s
Land office Mt oberlin. Kans..

Land Officc at Oberiu. kans..
Dec. :. 1885.
Notice il hereby given thar the following
named settler has fled notice of his int enticn
make final proof in support of his claim
ana that said proof viii he made before P.~,-
bate Judge Thomas Co. h :. AT Colby, ks ON
Feb 9, 1856. viz: W. NJ. Edwards, ID 5 No PAS
for the ne or sec u. town south, range ~ ".
John A. Fanale ID. 5. on same land is notified
that unless ne appears AT the same time his
ID S will be Cancelled.
He names the following witnesses to prove
his continuous residence upon. and cultivation
Of said land. viz: Eugene Lynde, NJ : Bud
long Frank Gird, w Parrish. all of Colby,
Kansas.
a. L PATCHIN, Register.
VIC Porter. 4146dls
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
L. S. Land Office Oberlin. Kans.

L. s. Land Office Oberlin. kans.
Nov. 18th 1855.
Notice is hereby given that the following
named settler has filed notice of his intention
to make final proof i'll support OF his claim,
and that said proof will be made before the
Register and Receiver mt O5erlin. Kan. on
Jan. l.. 1876 viz: :. H. Ellsworth. d. s. .34a. for
the ne Or sec l.. town 8, range 35 W. L. y.
Worcester ID. S. No 12S6 on same land. is noti-
fled that unless he appears at the same time
his ID. s. will be Cancelled.
He names the following witnesses to prove
his continuous residence upon and cultivation
Of said land, viz: W. II. Miller. James Wolien,
A. &. Eddy and Jacob Allng. all of Colby, h IL.
A. l.. PATCHIN, Register.
Reynolds. 3s-42nl9
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
Notice No. 1919
L. S. Land Office. Oqerlin. Kan.

L. S. Land Office. Oqerlin Kan.
November T. iss5
Complaint having beer entered at this oe,,e
by James'H Connely against Fraucis Collins or
Francis Collins for abandoning his ii + No llssl
dated January IA, 49," upon the sw or
section -. township Soprt,
range 81 W. in Thomas county, Kansas, with a
view 10 the cancellation of said eutry: CON
testant alleges that the said Francis Collins or
Francis Collins did not build upon nor improve
said tract since making said entry up 20 June
II, 1850, nor since, or cultivate said land: the
said parties are hereby summoned TO appear
at this Office on the I'D day of January. isss
nj III O'Clock IA. H., to respond and furnish tes-
timony concerning said alleged abandonment
"A. l.. PATCHIN, Register
Keys & Emahizer. itL.3dlo
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION No 1914.
Land Office at Oberlin, Kans.

Dec. >, ISSJ.
Notice is hereby given that the following
named settler has filed notice Of his inteiI-
ton to make final proof in support OF his
claim and that said proof will be made before
Colby, Kan, on Jan. I'D, 1888, viz: Andrew
Parker, ID. s. No. 2Ol2, for the NV or section Is,
town S, range 36 west.
He names the following witnesses to prove
his continuous residence upon. and cMItiva-
ton of said land, viz: Bates. w Laid,
Il Heming and A Boyd, all Of Quickville,
Kansas.
A. L. PATCIHN, Register.
VIC Porter. 4O45d1O
Thomas County cat. [volume] (Colby, Kan.) 1885-1891, 1885-12-24
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION No. 4Os7.
Land Office at Oberlin, Kansas.

Dec. ~ 1SS0.
Notice is hereby given that the following
named settler has filed notice of his intention
to make final proof in support of mis- claim
and that said proof will be made before the
Probate Judge OF Thomas Co. at Colby, Kan,
OH Feb p. 1876, viz: Nathaniel II. Roberts, D..
s. No 2607 Tor the ne or sec ;i2, town south.
range 81 west.
And further, Charles Chldess, being an adj
verse claimant to said land by virtue of ID 5
No. 1871, is hereby notified to appear at sNine
time and place and defend his right to said
lird. and i'm case he fails to appear his entry
Will be q c lied.
He ra,ue> the following witnesses to prove
his continuous residence upon and Cultiva-
on or said land. viz: Solomon lawson
James Miller of Colby, Kan, NJ V b DALEY,
OF Quickvile, Kan. G Shirley, of Colby, Kan
A. L. PATCHIN, Register.
GoOdsOe 42-47d4