News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-09-10
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
ONE HUMOROUS READING FOR THE
CALORIC SEASON.
She Was on the Wrong Tack-A Sealed
PrOpOsal-A Picnic Phantasy-Did Not
Make Sale-Present Company is Al
ways Excepted, ETC., Etc.

SEALED PROPOSAL.
Mrs. Loveworld-'Didy you hear how
Mr.. Jones spoke of marriage to Miss
Smith p"
Mrs. Newsy-'No; do tell me about
it,
''He said to her, 4 have a letter here,
Miss Smith, from my sister. She ad-
vises me to tell you of my affectionate
interest in you, and ask you to be my
wife,"
Glow very strange, and how very in
terestingl What did Miss Smith say p"
'She said, 'Mr. Jones, take my advice,
and don't do it,"
''Did she, indeed wonder, now, if
she could call that proposal from Mr..
Jones ?"
"Only sort of sealed proposal, !
should say. ."--Harper's Basar.
a PICNIC PHANTAsY.
Come let us jump aboard the train !
Oh, hear the whistle blow! All nature
seems to smile ON us, Let's to the picnic
go. Well drink the sparkling lemon
ade, the sandwiches We'll MUNICH. Base
daily with the lunch. Oh, what jolly
time I've had I dance and laugh with
glee. A beetle has crawled down my
back, feel him round my knee. A
humble bee has toyed with me, and in
my shoes are ants. l sat upon lemon
pie, and spoiled my Sunday pantsr.-
Chicago Rambler.
HE DIDN'T MAKE SALE.
A gentleman who was several years
younger than his wife, and who was,
besides, small and rather boyish in ap-
pearance, entered dry goods store in
one of our towns with his wife and re-
quested to be shown some carpets. The
proprietor himself, to whom, as it hap
pened, they were unknown, waited on
them. He showed them very politely
his extensive stock of carpets, and ex-
hibited with great pains their beauty
and excellence of quality. The gentle
man and his wife both seemed some
what undecided as to what suited them
among the various patterns displayed,
and the proprietor, with the laudable
desire of assisting them to decide, re-
marked to the gentleman, pointing to
one of the carpets, 81 think, sir, this
is the carpet your mother likes"
The gentleman looked little sur
prised, but quietly said, "She is not my
mother, sir, but my wife"
The lady said nothing, but it is need
less to add that she did not find any
carpet to suit her.-Detroit Free Press.
PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED.
President Cleveland was chatting with
New York friend on the portico of the
White House few evenings ago on the
diversity of human nature. "Where
you find many men you find many minds.
That's the way the proverb runs" re-
marked the gentleman from New York.
s"That's what 1 used to think when
was boy.'' responded the President
fFbut since l have been President l have
discovered that it is not so. Almost all
the men I've met of late were of one
mind. Every one of them wants an
office, present company, of course, ex-
cepted." The last remark of the Presi-
dent made the visitor sick. - Teas
SJtings.
THE HEART.
A sight-seer was trying to reach River
side Park the other day by walking
along the river bluff from point few
blocks above the park. He asked an
Irishman in the door of a squatter's hut
if he was going in the right direction.
'FYis," said the man, "but ye'd bether
take the road bayant." "
"Why can't go right ahead over the
lots Q'
eye can," said the Irishman, "but the
holes and the rocks will break your
heart"
The American colony in Canada have
their little puns. "What is the differ
ence," asked one of them, "between me
| and farmer?"
''He works and you ont"
"No."
''He is still in his native land and you
amt"
'.No."
ooh, WELL we give it up"
ssHa! ha! he's tiller of the soil and
I'm soiler of the till. ."-LOuisUiUe
Journal.
| WHAT WAS WANTED.
'Now, you tell me, / have a fai1
memory, great capacity for learning
languages, a large bump of veneration,
and well developed head generally. .
''You have" said the phrenologist.
as there anything said the man
under examination, in the exuberance OF
his joy, "that my head needs to make ii
absolutely perfect?"
eyes"
''What is it, pray?" asked the man.
"a shampoo. r-Bdr6ers' Gazette.
THE FIRE ESCAPE.
Col. Bill Snort, editor of the Crosby
county Clarion and Farmers V9adicot0r
went to New Orleans not long since, ano
upon being shown his room at the hotel
said:
''This is a queer hotel. If a CUES
can pay his bills every week, what us'
has he got for a fire escape2 And /
there is fire escape why should he pa.
his bills at the end of the week? Their,
is some mystery about this hotel that
can't understand. "-IerGs S!ttjngs.
DRINKING THE WATERS.
J;roo+ mo 70 tho A AnnOlIn