Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-05-21
CARVING.
Bill Nye Relates Why He Banishes His
Children from the Table.

Children from the Table.
Children and fools tell the TRUTH"
[ have heard, and certainly children
have 4 faculty of working the truth in
at the wrong time Truth is a good
thing-in its place. But the great
harm comes from using it at an oppor-
tune time. | am the only and original
father of one of the class of children
who are loquaciOus and truthful in a
way that makes the parent heart bleed
sometimes II this little incident did
not happen to make me its victim, [
would scorn to tell it, for people ought
not to make themselves or their chill
rem too conspicuously smart in print.
Guests were invited to dinner, and
while in my baronial hall the welkin
rang and the cold baked bean was
passed around amid joyous laughter,
and witty remarks rang out on the
warm air, while the gorgeous tiagons
and glittering cut glass and silver Of
neighbor shone respondent beneath the
mellow light of the chandelier and
candelabra, the humble writer of these
lines, as the host, would ever and anon
make brilliant remark which would
be received with wild and tumultuous
applause.
If q guest sought to evade his duty
as an applauder, or to come in on time
with his or her welcome plaudit, that
guest was marked by the eagle eye of
the carYist, and he was given the neck
of the turkey and the wing of the duck
as mark Of respect.
Habitual guests at my house have
learned this, and when | ladle out the
gravy and a ''Jew de spirit, as a.
Ward called it, they know that they
can take their choice between bolster
Gus laughter and starvation. In this
way the meal passes off with much
ecldt For each slash of the carving
who have been in the habit of eating
at my table are aware that there is a
proper moment for mirth, just as there
is for napkins, finger-bowls or coffee.
[ do this partly because [ want to
draw attention from my carving. NV
carving is like my dancing. 1t is not
conventional. 1t is extremely original,
bold and audacious. try to introduce
Joints where nature did not intend to
have them, and | seek to make short
cuts across a fowl in way that is pro-
ductiye only of chagrin, YeXation and
| fragments of hen. Man is a weak,
| fallible creature, and he ought not to
seek to monkey with the anatomy of
fowl or to improvise joints and aper-
lures where they do not belong; for at
such time as you think not the knife
will slip, and it will tip over the celery
glass and fill the bosom of warm per-
sonal friend with gravy.
To attract attention and keep up the
| spirits of the company, therefore, [
make it kind of business, as it were,
to fill the air with harmless amusement
at the same time that l shed stuffing
through the atmosphere and mutilate
the bosom of the hen. This gives me
an opportunity, occasionally, to gather
up the sage, breadcrumbs and gizzards
| out of my lap, and return them to the
platter without exciting remark.
A few weeks ago, on an occasion of
| this kind, a cousin of mine-a young
lawyer connected with the Omaha
road, young man of good parts, and
whose business it is to stand between
the Omaha road and substantial justice,
at so much a year and travelling ex-
penses-was present.
I had just said something smart to
keep the company good-natured while
| asked a young lady at the other end
of the table to please return the duck
which | had inadvertently presented to
her with the carving fork stuck in it.
Every one was laughing joyously and
trying to conceal it by putting their
napkins in their mouths, when my cous-
in turned to my little daughter and
said:
Bessie, haven't you got a funny
papa, thought"
Eyes, indeed" said the ungrateful,
untilial and irreverent heir apparent to
great name; ''you better believe he's
funny when we have company"
And yet people wonder why [ am
not the same genial host that used to
be, and why the children do not eat at
the first table, and why there is q
sound of kicking against the door of
an adjoining room, and the occasional
wall of hungry child as the meal pro
crosses.
| Eli Perkins once told me that he was
teaching his little girl to tell the truth.
L asked him who he employed to at
| tend to the irksome task, and whether
he was not rash to take up branch of
the science for which there was getting
| to be so little use.
1t is said that truth is mighty and
will prevail. 1t is certainly mighty in
the mouth oS a child. Still, we may
always expect more or less of it from
children-until they get to moving in
good society and learn better.