davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

81 am surprised, john" said an old
lady when she found the butler help
ing himself to some of the finest old
port. $50 am 1, ma'am. l thought
you had gone out" was the reply
Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

There is nothing like DIR. Thomas
Eclectric Oil to quickly cure cold
or relieve hoarseness. Written by
Mrs. M. j. Fellows, Burr Oak, St.
Joseph Co., Mich.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

The Greeks ascribed the invention
of the drum to the god Bacchus.
He is also responsible for a great
many other dead beats.-New York
Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

Some one asks how the great men
of this country began life. We are
under the impression that they gener-
ally began life as infants.-New York
Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

Professor-"Does my question en-
barrass youG" "Not at all, sir" re-
piled the student, 'it is the answer
that bothers me-" From the German.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

Yes, son, we call that kind of a
hat a stove-pipe, because it scots our
clothes and make such q draft-on
our pockets.-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

Grace (whispering)-"What lovely
boots your partners got, Mary %
Mary (ditto)-"Yes, unfortunately,
he shines at the wrong end."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

1t takes pretty smart phrenologist
to tell what is in barrel by examin-
ing its head.-New York Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

"Miss Florence, do you love
beastsW cam l to consider that as
a proposal, sirf" was the lady's quick
retort.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

An Independent Newspaper OF Dem
'cratic Principles but not Controlled b
INV Set Of Politicians or Manipulators
Devoted to Collecting and Publishing al
he News Of the Day in the most Inter
sting Shape and with the greatest pos
ible Promptness, Accuracy and Impair
iaity; and to the Promotion OF Demo
ratio Ideas and Policy in the affairs o
;ovenment, Society and Industry.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

A bachelor of arts-an accom-
plished Observation-Disclosures Free
Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

According to the doctrine of the
survival of the fittest, the last man
will undoubtedly be q tailor.-Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

Would it be just to say that all
physicians partially get their living
by pillage THE Judge.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

The balance of power-when a
wheel gets on a dead center.-Boston
Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21

A bad sigma forced signature
| Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

Money-syllables,-I. o. U.-Fun-
ny Folks.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21
Advertising Rates.

line. -' '
Local Notices ten cents per line for each in.sr-
tion.
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-01-21
MICHIGAN CENTRAL AL
The Niagara Falls Route.
MAIN LINE.

Arrival and departure of trains noted below as
, 1885-05-12
lKleptomania.


kleptomania is the strangest gift ever
bestowed by civilization upon fallen hui
manity. II is a product Of the highest
and most recent stages Of civilization.
Barbarians know nothing of it, they are
not subject 10 its insidious attacks. 1t
is neither painful, like CONT; infectious,
like measles, o dangerous, like pneu-
monia. II is so t%reacherous that the
victim himself is not aware he has con-
tracted it till accused of theft, and
even then only on being informed of
his sufferings by his lawyer. II differs
from all recognized diseases, inasmueh
as no doctor could aver trace symptoms
of it. 1t was evolved by a clever law
yer from his inner consciousness, which
is as difficult to get at as the north pole.
By II merciful i~n.erposition Of fate,
~kleptomania only attacks the wealthy,
who are able to pay for its treatment.
, 1885-05-12

A fortunate clreumr.ance.

Valley Springs DAk.) Enterprise.
We are informed that Mrs. Matte
johnson, who lives iourmiles west oftown
was doing her general homework when
her little daughter Annie. ? years old, got
hold ofn bottle Of Chamberlain's Cough
Remedy, and instead Of taking half a tea
spoonful as a general dose, drank the
entire bottle. II cured her cough and she
is doing well.
Mrs. johnson was fortunate in having
procured Chamberlain's Cough Remedy,
and the above circumstance shows concIu-
sively that it is perfectly harmless even to
small children in doses Of sixty times
what should be given. Remember, it
cured her, and has cured thousands of
others, who gladly testify to its great val
ne. All druggists.
, 1885-05-12


Victor Hugo received a visit recently
from Lord s., n nember Of the Brit
ish house of lords, who was accompa-
MED by his wife and daughters. The
poet entered the drawing-room and
asked to what he owed the honor of the
visit. Lord s. turning to his wife,
said: IN. Victor Hugol grand poetv'
Victor Hugo bowed. Turning to his
daughters, Lord s. added: 'Victor
Hugo. Notre Dame de Parisl" He
then opened a large notebook, appar-
emily with the intention of soliciting an
autograph. Victor Hugo began to show
signs OF displeasure, but Lord s..
still looking at his memorandum book,
drew his watch from his waistcoat
pocket, and read aloud: "At 10 o'clock
see the giraffe at the Jardin d'Accli-
nation And his lordship retired, fol-
lowed by his family.
, 1885-05-12
The Bonn Of tho nnnin.


Professor Thorn $ J. An strong.l
There is a noticeable boom in banjos,
which | believe is going to assume large
proportions. The real value of the banie
is not yet widely known, and cannot
be discovered from the use of il on the
stage. Its finest effects are not seen
there, even in the hands of the most
artistic players. The public needs to DO
educated to its superb range of tone,
and TO that end | am introducing a
musical novelty in the shape of a banjo
orchestra. No other orchestra of the
kind, ! believe, exists anywhere, and
the audiences we appeared before were
delighted with the musical effect. We
have twelve banjos, which range in size
from the small piccolo banjo to the
big professional instrument.
, 1885-05-12

The Rawlins Journal of a recent date
says: W. Leonard has entered into an
engagement with Prof. Aughey in behalf
Of the Deserted Treasure company to
erect the mill at Seminoe and take the
position of chief engineer of the works
during the coming summer. The plans
for the building have been agreed upon
and will be quite extensive. The stamp
room is to be twenty feet square, the room
for the rock crushcr twelve by eighteen
and the engine and boiler room fourteen
by twenty. Mr.. Leonard will go 10 Den
yer next week in company with Prof.
Aughey to look after the shipment of the
mill to this place which is now being made
by ii. NJ. Nichols of that city. and is to
be of a capacity Of twenty tons per day.
As soon as he returns with the mill the
erection of the necessary buildings will be
at once commenced.
, 1885-05-12

William Maxwell, of Sidney, is in the
city.
Thomas J. Swan left for his ranch yes
terday.
J. c. Gable, of Carlisle, Pa, is at the
Inter Ocean.
J. c. Ferguson, of Sidney, is at the
Railroad house.
c. f, Lord, of Omaha, is autographed
at the Railroad.
George A. Tyler. of Chicago, is at
the Railroad house.
WIN. Roddeck, Of Canada, il a guest
at the Inter Ocean.
F. L. Payson. of New York, is booked
at the Inter Ocean.
Mrs. Governor Warren has returned
from Laramie City.
r. Robinson, of Ogden, is registered
at the Railroad honse
Mr.. II. Donzelman has gone to Raw
Inns on legal business.
Bert Richie returned yesterday from a
business trip TO Salt lake.
Mrs. Adamsky returned yesterday from
a visit to friends in Omaha.
Thomas NJ. Fisher is spending the
week in Denver on business.
L. NJ. Bogen, of Denver, is auto
graphed at the Inter Ocean.
A. J. Arthur, of Buffalo, Wyo., is
registered at the Inter Ocean.
James Grouse and Homer Weeker, of
Horse Greek, are at the Inter Ocean.
S. r. Givin, Of Idaho, is in the city,
and can be found at the Inter Ocean.
County Surveyor Roy left the city yes
terday for the western portion Of the ter
ritory.
T. W. Center, of Rawlins, is in the
city, and can be found at the Inter
Ocean.
II. b. Kelly and Joe Stratton have
gone to their ranch at American Falls,
Idaho.
John Dobyns goes to Denver this
morning, and will be absent about three
days.
G.. ". Kimberley left last evening for
Salt Lake, where he will take charge of n
large livery stable.
Mr.. j. Stern, of the firm of Stubben-
dorf & Nerster, Omaha, is a guest at
Kimme's Western hotel.
Harry Chaplain, general agent. and
George IL. Bulb, assistant agent of Bar
low & Wilson's troupe, are at the Inter
Ocean.
Deputy Sheriff MeGonigle returned
from the eastern portion of the county
last evening, where he has been summon
ing jurymcn for the coming term of the
district court.
General Manager Smith, of the Atchi-
son, Topeka & Santa Fe railroad, passed
through the city yesterday on his way
south. He was accompanied by his wife
and private secretary.
Hon. L. r. Rhodes. o Denver, was in
the city last evening for a short time, on
his way to Laramie City to try an impor
tant law case. Mr.. Rhodes is the at
toruey for the Colorado Stock Growers
association, and one of the prominent
lawyers of his state. He served his dis
trict with distinction for four years in the
state senate, and is a pleasant, agreeable
and learned gentleman
, 1885-05-12

After the engagement l went over the
field in front of the enemy's fort. Ad-
yancing through the tangled mass of
logs and stumps, l say one of our men
aiming over the branch of a fallen
tree, which lay among the tangled
abatis. l called to him, but he did not
turn or move. Advancing nearer, /
put my hand on his shoulder, looked in
his face, and started back. He was
deadl-shot through the brain; and so
suddenly had the end come that his
rigid hand grasped bis musket, and he
still preserved the attitude of watchful-
ness-literally occupying his post after
death.
At another place we came upon one
of our men who bad evidently died
from wounds. Near enc of his hands
was a Testament, and on his breast lay
an ambrotype picture of a group of
children and another Of ayoung woman.
We searched in vain FOR his name. 1t
was neither in his book nor upon his
clothing; and, unknown, this private
hero was buried on what was doubtless
his first battlefield. The pictures were
afterwards put on exhibition for identi-
fication.
, 1885-05-12
sweeTHeARrs, EoLK LORE.
A Wishing Chair-whether Marriage or
Not Practice in Germany.

A Wishing chair-Whether Marriage or
Not Practice in Germany.
fBelgravia
Perhaps your affections are still dis
engaged, but you wish to bestow them
on one who will return like for like. In
this case there are plenty of wishing
chairs, wishing gates, ETC., scattered
through the country. A wish breathcd
near them, and kept secret, will sooner
or later have its fulfllment. But there
is no need to travel to the lake country
or to Finchale priory, near Durham
where there is a wishing chair; if you
see a piece of old iron or a horseshoe on
your path, take it up, spit on it, and
throw it over your left shoulder, fran
ing a wish at the same time. Keep this
wish a secret, and it will come to pass
in due time. If you meet a piebald
horse, nothing can be more lucky; utter
your wish, and, whatever it may be,
you will have it before the week be out.
In Cleveland the following method of
diyining whether a girl will be married
or not is resorted to-: Take n tumbler
Of water from a stream which runs
southwark; borrow the wedding ring of
some gude-wife and suspend il by a hair
of your head over the glass of water.
holding the hair between the finger and
thumb. II the ring hit against the
side of the glass, the holder will die an
old maid; if it turns quickly round, she
will be married once. if slowly, twice.
Should the ring strikes the side of the
GAS more than three times after the
holder has pronounced the name of her
lover, there will be a lengthy courtship.
and nothing more; she will be courted
to dead, y as they say in Lincolnshire; if
less frequently, the affair will be broken
off, and if there is no striking at all it
will never come on.
Or If you look at the first new moon
of the year through a silk handkerchief
which has never been washed, as many
moons as you see through it dhe
threads multiplying the ~vision,) so
many years must pass before your mar
riage. Would you ascertain the color
of your future husbands hairi Follow
the practice of the German girls. Be-
tween the hours of IL and II at night
on st. Andrews Eve a maiden must
stand at the house door, take hold of
the latch, and say three times: ''Gentle
love, if thou lowest me, show thyself."
She must then open the door quickly
and make a rapid grasp through it into
the darkness, when she will find in her
hand a lock of her future husbands
hair
, 1885-05-12
A
4 Scheme to Trade the Court House for
the City Park.

At the next meeting of the city council
Chairman Hoyt, of the board of county
commissioners, will wait upon that body
and make a proposition to exchange the
county court house for the city park.
Should the change be contaminated the
present court house would be used by the
city as a city hall and jail. The park
would be taken in charge by the county
and a large, handsome, convenient and
commodious court house erected thereon.
A number of the members of the coun-
ell are favorable to the project. while
others have not expressed themselves in
regard to the matter and say they will
not until they have examined the practi-
cability and the benefit to be derived from
the change. The county commissioners
seem to be in favor of making n trade if
they can do so without prejudice to the
county.
, 1885-05-12

Sure cure for blind. bleeding and itch
ing piles. One box has cured the worst
cases of twenty years standing. No one
need suffer five minutes after using Will
Jams Indian Pile Ointment. 1t absorbs
tumors, allays itching, acts as poultice,
gives instant relief Prepared only for
piles, itching of the private parts, nothing
else. Hon. j. NJ. C~offenbury, Of Cleve-
land, says; Il have used scores of pile
cures. and it affords me pleasure to say
that l have never found anything which
5ives such immediate and permanent re-
lief as DIR. Williams Indian Pile Oint-
ment-' Sold by druggists and mailed on
receipt ofpriee, 81. Gray & Pearse Agents.
, 1885-05-12

Manufactured only by the California
Fig Syrup Co. San Francisco Cal, is
Natures Own Ture Laxative. This plea
sent liquid fruit remedy may be had of
Hunt 4 Whipple druggists Sample bot
ties free and large bottles at fifty cents or
one dollar. 1t is the most pleasant,
prompt and effective remedy known, to
cleanse the system, to act on the Liver,
Kidneys and Bowels gently yetthoroughly;
to dispel Headaches, Colds and Fevers; to
cure Constipation, Indigestion and kind
red ills.
, 1885-05-12

At the beginning of the present CEN
fury the population of France was in
creasing at the rate of COG per 1000
per annnm. In 1879 the percentage
had decreased to 3 .34, and Today it is
!. There is no excess of mortality.
The cause is to be found in the dimin-
ished birth rate.
, 1885-05-12
Wyoming on Wen.

A remarkable oil discovered recently
is that found in the Arago oil basin, in
Wyoming territory. In n shaft put
down on the east side Of Bath creek to
a depth of twelve feet oil flows in of
exceptionally high specific gravity. 1t
is, when first exposed, of a brownish
color, and can be cut with a knife like
soft butter. 1t gradually turns black
on exposure, and has little odor when it
first comes from the shaft.
, 1885-05-12

Sailors call the sea 'Davy Jones
Locker" because the dead are thrown
there. Davy is a corruption of duffy
by which name ghosts or spirits are
known among the West Indian negroes.
and Jones is a corruption of the name
of che Prophet Jonah, who was thrown
into the sea.
Locker, in seaman's ~parlance, means
any receptacle for private stores. So
that when a sailor says. He's gone to
Davy Jones' Locker, he means, HE is
gone to the place of safe-keeping where
duffy Jonah was sent to"
, 1885-05-12

The admirers of handsome patchwork
will be interested in learning that an
autograph quilt" is now on exhibition
at New Orleans The scraps of silk
which compose the quilt bear the auto.
graphs of many distinguished person
ages, among them being the names of
Gen. Grant, President Arthur, Mr..
Gladstone, the archbishop of Capter-
bury, Edwin Booth, S%alvini, and others
more or less renowned
, 1885-05-12
Returns 10 Rawlins.

Sheriff Rankin passed through the city
Sunday morning on his way o .Rawins,
having in charge d. p. Huges, the alleged
defaulter. Huges was arrested in Denver
a few days ago, and seemed anxious to re-
turn with the Sheriff to meet his accusers.
II is claimed he is 5000 short in his ac-
counts, while county clerk.
, 1885-05-12
sRIuWnra


Il .oplnions Lok not always back;
wake l. nothing, mind tho coming
Leave what you've lone for what You have
TO do.
be consistent = but be simply true.
IHolmes.
The stars that disappear at morn,
oh, think not they are fed;
They nro not lost. they are not gone,
But mid the glory shed
Around them by the source of light,
1t is the night that's dead.
-[Anon.
Faustine, lift high the beaker,
Lift high the wan white wine;
Ere grow those mad eye meeker,
Make first thy madness mine.
Make mine the rcd lips treasure
Too fierce to melt In love,
And give to pain the pleasure
My paralytic dove.
LII C. Bunner.
, 1885-05-12

For oils, salts, pills and all kinds of
bitter, nauseous medicines is the very
agreeable liquid fruit remedy Syrup Of
Figs. Recommended by leading physi-
clans: Manufactured only by the Califor-
MIA Fig Syrup company, San Francisco,
Cal. For sale by w. N. Hunt.
, 1885-05-12

Rheumatism has one invincible antagon-
list, n never yielding enemy that will
conquer it every time the opportunity is
given, and that is Chamberlain's Pain
Balm. Many cases of rheumatism that
had withstood all other treatment for years,
have yielded to Chamberlain Pain Balm.
so cent bottles sold by w. N. Hunt.
, 1885-05-12

The foundry Of Gail, in france, is to
turn u in time for the exhibition at
Antwerp a mon ter cannon. forty-two
feet long, and capable of sending a
bomb of !, 100 pounds a distance of
about nine miles. The price Of Tie can-
non will be 800, 00O.
, 1885-05-12

Thermometer tubes have to be sea-
soned. This requires a year or two.
When glass is new it changes, expands,
contracts, and warps almost as badly as
green wood.
, 1885-05-12

on the coast Of Lower California
diving for black pearls form an exceed
iugly lucrative employment, averaging
from $500, 900 to 81, 900, 900 annually.
, 1885-05-12

st. Paul Herald: | notice some peo-
pie are eccentric because they can't di-
rect attention TO themselves any other
way.
, 1885-05-12

Persons desiring pure Lake Mahapaluta
ice should leave orders at Christ Mauss',
baker, 3lY Ferguson street, or with the
undersigned. SLOAN & Co.
, 1885-05-12

Remember that you VIII save money by
buying your books and stationery at
Holfia
, 1885-05-12

Ladies who would retain freshness and
yivacity. Don't fail to try well >
Health Remover. -
, 1885-05-12
THE TOURIST

Has long since chosen the Wabash ns tho
favoritc route to all the summer resorts OF
tho Fast, North and West, and winter re
sorts OF the South. as the Company has soi
years provided better accommodations ana
more attractions than any OF It's cnmuetitors
for n - class of travel Tourist Tickets can
lie had nt reduced rates at all principal
.tri~u ~ HE f.otnnanv.
, 1885-05-12
THE FARMER

In srl4rt OF q rev home. whore he can Sc.
cure Detierirturns for hr Lbsr, houl re-
member tia; TIC Waha IA IS tho most direct
route 10 Arkansas. Texas, Kansas, Nebraska,
nnd all points So 9TH, West aud Northwest,
and thar round-trip lnnh-cSuioFcra' tickets
at vorylow rates arc always on sale at tho
ticket Offices. Descriptive advertising mat
ter Of Arkan as nnd Icxas sent free to all
applicants by undressing the General Pas
aeurur Agent.
, 1885-05-12

In order to en-
rich the blood,
and thus i1npart
fresh vigor To an
enfeebled system.
stimulate ilagging
digestion with the
national invigor-
ant II Ostetter RS
stomach Bit n,
which by l~nfusing
energy into the
OF the
stomach, promotes
nay insures thor
ough dlgestfon
and asslimila alton,
and consequent hu
triton. A gain TO
e. V Igor
and flesh, is invar-
iably found to fol-
low a course OF
&C which Is. more
of malarial fevers.
dealers generally.
, 1885-05-12
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
R0UT { T!
THE RusINEss MAN

Wien he travels wants to 60 quick. wants to
be comfortable, wants TO arrive ut desuna-
ton on time, IN fact, wants a strictly bust
ness trip. and consequently takca the
popular Wabash Route, feeling that he is
sure to meet his engagements and continue
TO prosper and be happy.
, 1885-05-12

Chicago Hsral.
There are 1S2 genuine collectors and
dealers in autograph in the United
States who prey upon the lon~g-sufering
statesman, actor, soldier or man of let
tefs, exclusive of the thousands of
youths in training as album fiends.
A Southern Long Iitp -'.,.-
lChicago He-a g..
A party of Savannah capitalists have
purchased Tybee island, and declare
they will make it the LIN rrancA Of
the south" A big hotel and an opera
house are among the things promised.
, 1885-05-12
THE INVALID

VIII in | tho Wabash the most convenient
rodin - all tho noted health resorts Of
liiInuia, Missouri. Arkansas and Texas. and
that the extensive To ough cur system and
superior recommendations of this popular
Emo will add greatly TO his comfort while en-
+ ute. lamphlct descriptive OF the many
celebrated mineral fprings ofthc West and
u.ulh ....I L.-a % u.a.IA-aIL..n
, 1885-05-12
THE CAPITALIST

Can ret Tho information necessary to secure
fnfs anil profitable Investments in agricul-
ture, stack-rnising, mining. numbering, or
any Of the many Inviting fields throughout
the S ,uth aud West, by addressing tho un'
dcrsisn,d.
r. CHANDLER,
q ri r-..n--.r- Il .i..nl - Inui- NJ
, 1885-05-12
M-IDDLE-AGEp MEN
DIR. WAGNER a co.

sSs IArimer street. Address, Box 2so. Denver
Out thls out and take along
Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1885-09-09
FOR THE FARM AND HOME.
Corn Not Good for Morses.

Corn is the bane of the farm horse,
as it is also Of the horse doing any
other sort of work, not because of not
being sufficiently nutritious, but be-
cause it makes too much fat and not
enough muscle. The horses muscle
wears away by work as metal wears
away by friction. Fat wears away
under exercise but its disappearance
in nowise lessons the power for either
draft or speed. On the other hand,
well-nourished and vigorously-exer-
cised muscles, without deposit Of fat
to keep them company, are much more
efficient for any purpose for which the
horse is kept than when there is load
of fat to be carried. The trainer acts
upon this proposition and works the
fat off, experience having shown that
the muscles, trained down by exercise
until fat accumulations are removed,
fattening foods being mainly abstained
from, gives the best results in the case
of speedy horse, The same rule will
hold good with the work horse, though
modified by the degree in which the
movements of the latter are slower
than those Of the former. If the farm
er has only corn for feed then he will
be wise if he make sale of his corn, or
the greater part of it, buying oats in
stead. -.Lice Stock Journal.