Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-03-06
NIT AND HtMOR.

cripple comic song !-Tud h.Ct' -i"-
| Cdpce.
A little 4-year-old while coming down
stairs was cautioned by his fond mamma
not to lose his balance. "And where
would my balance go to" he queried,
''if lost it?''
Poverty has its cares, my son, but
then wealth has its scares too, more
than poverty. ten to one. Look at the
panics on the money market every
weeki Did Won ever hear of financial
panic in an alms-house? - brooklyn
Eagle.
Landlady-"Do YOU find your steak
tender, Mr.. r.Dumby? If not will"
DUMMY (who was wakened at 5 o'clock
that morning by the cook pounding)-
''Er-it might be well to let the cook
hit it few more times. l think. "
NeW YORK sun.
so Mr.. Blank was here to-day ?'
Scrvant-"Yes. SIR" '.And you told
him what | said, suppose?" Yes,
sir. Did he take umbrage?" Il
didn't notice, sir; but if he did he'll
bring it back He's very particular
gentleman, you know"
This uncomplimentary but character
istic epitaph by Burns has just been
found in Dumfries: Beneath these sods
lies drunken Rhodes, what ne'er was
kenned to drink cauld water, like clack
o mill the whisky gill inspired his
tongue wi endless clatter.
A very fearful accident occurred to a
gentleman while leaving the train at
Denison. His pocket was picked of
$3.50. The sickening feature of the
accident is TO be found in the fact that
the money WAS intended for the pur-
chase of bonnet for his wife.
A collar and a necktie-fastener has
been invented by California man.
That's well enough; but, if he will go
to work and invent a device which will
prevent his back coliar-button from
wandering off when it is most wanted,
he will do mankind service.-AU
Sorts.
Those people comprising the inner
circle of what terms itself society, have
issued an edict SO It's said, against
boards and mustaches. They consider
such appendage' to a mans face vulgar
and commonplace. 1t is too much like
the soldier and the brigand, they think.
-Middieto,Un Press.
do you want to see me turn a flap
jack?" asked Passaic young lady of
her bashful lover, If you do. come
into the other room" And then he
grabbed his hat and was half way home
before lie realized that she wanted him
to 90 into the kitchen and witness an
exhibition of her domestic ability.
York Dispatch.
First Dude-"Aw. Chawley, my dear
boy. what wattlin' pace you are goin'
this rnornin'" Second Dude-"Aw,
YES. Fitznoodle, my dear fellow. Don't
detwain ME. I'm hard at work. This
is the busiest season of the year to me-"
by Jove. Chawley, what are you do
in p I'm dodgin' my creditors. -
Philadelphia Call.
Il saw your advertisement for a
young man of good address," remark
ed one of the applicants for a vacant
position, land / thought l would call in
and reply. My address is Boston,
Mass, and if that isn't as good as the
best / should like to know where you
will find better one. ."-Buriington
(U.) Free Press.
There is no blank so blank as the
blank that appears before a man when
he gets up in public assembly and
forgets what he was going to say-un-
less it is the blank which appears be-
fore an amateur in a skating-rink when
his legs begin to spread out and he
don't know which one to follow.-Bur
Engton Free Press.
A bookmaker witnesses in the street
the accidental death of an acquaint.
ance. He sets off to break the news tC
the widow. He is charged not to tell
hertz abruptly. At the house he asks
for mime. Widow X" 81 am Nine
"" says the lady, ..but l am not 8
widow" Would you like to bet or
it?' responds the Wdftef
from France.
1t was just after the tiff. "Iwonder, "
snarled Romeo, '.if We shall know each
other in heaven" .Tllremember you.
of course" replied Juliet, with tender
emphasis, ''but of course / couldn'i
know you without meeting you" Anc
a period of silence as long as centen-
nial poem crept in the room. Romeo
kept thinking about one thing and an.
other and one thing and another and
one thing and another.-Burdette.
DIR. Carver finished his task of hitting
10000 balls in six days. The achieve
ment has had no perceptible effect upon
business as yet. The doctor used a
rifle in hitting the balls. If he had
corraled the balls into a pile and used
a baseball club or brick he might
have hit them all in one day and had
five days to spare to devote to digging
cellar or saving wood or something
that way. But we don't suppose he
ever thought of that -Norristotcn Her.
aid
William c. Hudson tells story about
Mr.. Tilden: Zone day he said to his
physician, Doctor, l can't stand that
medicine you are giving me; it hurts
my stomach o, but Mr. Tilden. the
medicine is doing great deal of good.
i presume so, but l shall not take il
hereafter I'm sorry to hear you say
that; but if you are determined on this
course l would warn You earnestly that
you must stop using it gradually
You doctors don't know anything.
l quit using that medicine three weeks
ago."
Youthful Inquirer.-A statesman is
one who states; and the Speaker is a
man who sits in high chair in front OF
the statesman, and decides who shall
state and who shall not state. The
Speaker is provided with mallet and a
loose board; and, when statesman
states too long or states anything
derogatory to the party to which the
Speaker belongs, it is the duty of the
latter to pound vigorously with the
mallet on the board. The Speaker dis
likes to hurt the statesman's feeling,
but he has to do his duty.-COtambus
Dispatch.
"The chlOral habit.n saws the Ralti-