Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-09-13
WIT AND NUNIOIe.


out his left eye 10 reward for being
funny.
"A curious negro superstition is that
man who has been struck by light
ming can not SWIM" says an exchange.
We have noticed the same thing, too.
about negroes who have died from yell
low fever. - Puck.
A London paper lays ii down editor
tally that "the man that would not
kiss woman when she tells him with
her eyes that her lips are yearning Is
an IDIOT This, we think. depends upon
the woman. Lea aUenWorth( (kas.) Times.
Fred Archer Is the most successful
jockey in the world because he picks
out winning horses before he mounts
them. There would be some great doc
tors in the world if they could choose
their patients. .-NeW Orleans Picayune.
Mamma-Dd you have a nice time.
dear at church,
Youthful son-Splcndid! Papa en-
joyed himself, too. But it made him
awful thirsty play dominoes all morn-
ing, and he drank six glasses OF beer.
-Grdphtc.
Doctor "You need exercise; what
is your employment" Patient-"l
am mason" Doctor-''But then you
can not lack exercise" Mason-"That
depends. Sometimes. you know, we
work by the day and sometimes by the
job. "-Gcrman Paper
Bobby" said the minister at the
dinner table. "what do you expect to
do when YOU grow up.n
III be minister, | think"
That's laudable ambition, indeed,
Bobby. DO you think you would like
TO be Minister"
80, yes,' Bobby replied. "Pa says
you've got tho softest job in town. ~
NeW York. Sun.
A New Jersey man, hearing that his
wife intended to elope. CONSIDERABLY
went away from home the evening
named, so as to remove every obstacle.
His wife suspected the cause of his alb
scnce, and dismissed her clandestine
suitor. Moral: Never try to be smarter
than woman. If you do, you will get
left. Harrington Free Press.
Wrong Diagnosis. Physician-"Yes,
sir; you must stop eating between
you" Patient-"But if did not eat
between meals should starve to death"
Nonsense. But | should. doctor.
Indeed | should" 'How can that pos
sibly be?' IL board. -Phiiadeiph.a
CaL
"My dear friend" said a minister
at the bedside of Il sick man, 'do you
feel that you are prepared to die?"
IL realize only too well that | am
not" replied the sick man, feebly.
81 would be glad to speak with you
concerning matters which ut this time
must cOnccrn-'
"You are very kind. sir.' interrupt
ed tho patient "but the physicians
are holding Il consultation, and | would
4ike to learn their verdict hrst. "-AeD
lOrk Times.
..See here" observed the managing
editor OF the new reporter, 81 told you
to write up the weather." "Yes, sir"
responded the news gatherer. well,
sir. what is the meaning of this row of
dashes?" Those are my opinions of
the weather. SIR" "WcIl. write them
out. Write them out in full" "AIl
right, sir" replied the reporter. Il
would have done so in the first place,
but didn't know this was that kind Of
paper. .'-AeU York Graphtc.
l have heard good story of an old
| settler in this region who had never
killed deer, but was fortunate enough
to entrap one in snare. "Ill have it
to say that I've killed one deer" SO
he tied Il rope about the animals horns
and fastened it 10 Il tree. Carefully
loading his big-bored rifle he stepped
oil few yards and aimed deliberately
at the bucks head Bang went the gun,
the dust flew from the rope, and the
deer bounded oil, free and unfctlered,
to enjoy the pleasures of his haunts in
| the green wood. The bullet had cut
the rope in twain Vald0sta (Ga.
| Times.
A minister at a recent wedding came
very near being broke up right in the
midst of the ceremony, and all by the
bride, a pretty, fragile. young little
thing. and one of his favorite parish
toner's. She had insisted on the most
rigid of the Episcopal Church forms.
and her Unitarian minister had hu-
mored her. Imagine, then, his surprise
as he dictated the lines: "Promising to
love. honor and obey" to have her
distinctly alter her oath to: promising
to love, honor, and be gay looking
| him directly in the face the while. He
had some difficulty to control his incli-
nation to laugh, and, not being pre-
pared for the contingency, let it slip
boston Home Journal
"How fresh everything seems to-
night said he. "Do you know any
thing fresher than spring zephyrP'
NO." said the young lady: mot un-
less it is the fresh paint you are sitting
on. 1t has not been on the piazza four
hours"
The young man went through back
street to hotel and sent the porter out
on an crrand. A few minutes later an
odor of benZine filled the hotel. Port
JerUiS Union.
They tell story on the Spring
House balcony at Richfield Springs,
about William NJ. Evarts. Chauncey
Depew says Evarts once sent a donkey
up to his Windsor farm in Vermont
About week afterwards Mr.. Evarts
received the following letter from his
little grandchild:
Dear Grandpa: The little donkey is
very gentle, but he makes big noise
nights. He Is very lonesome. guess
he misses you. hope you will come
up soon and then he won't be SO lone
some. --.Mtnnie.
| "Where are the American poetsP
an English critic demands. Where art
the American poetsP Why, bless YOU
soul, they are everywhere and theil
name is legion. You will find one il