The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1885-09-24
NO. &c
A NERVOUS Groom.
HOW THE PRACTICAL GALL OF A CHICAGO
JUSTICE DISCONNECTED HIM.

Two friends CHANGED to meet on Grand
Avenue the other day and each seemed to
be glad to see the other. One was evil
IDENTIFY travelling man, and the other, if
one were to Judge by the nervous twitch-
ing of his eyelids, and the way be con-
stantly gazed about him, had the appear
anee of person who had robbed a bank,
or murdered some one, and was momen-
tarily expecting to be nabbed.
Il say. Ned, - said the commercial look
ing gent, what have you been up to, that
makes you size up every one so SUSPECT
ously z"
ooh, nothing much" said the other,
but can you keep secret, Jack ?'
swell if there is one thing that 1 can
keep better than another, it's secret, y
replied the one addressed as Jack.
''All right if that's the case L don't
mind telling you. The fact is, am mar
RED"
"Oh! come off You don't mean to say
that you have gone and done 10 you,
Ned 2"
That just about the size of it, Jack.
You know the young lady that have been
ice-creaming and waiting upon for the
last six months ? Well, night before last
went around as usual at eight o'clock to
make her call, and the old man lit on
me with both feet. This sort of dis
couraged me, but Nellie made sneak out
Of the back door and we held council of
war. 1t didn't take'us more than fifteen
short minutes to make up our minds to
elope, and so before another sun had come
and gone we were in Chicago before JUS
tice of the peace, and Nellie and I were
soldered togethered as tight as three dol
lars could make us.''
rs that all? Why, Ned, you are as
nervous as hen with her head cut off. If
it has that effect upon people to get mar
ried don't want any of it in mine.'
''Oh, it amt the marrying part of it
that makes me nervous in fact, / rather
enjoy it, but its the internal gall of that
justice that has unstrung my nerves. You
know that when a young fellow embarks
on matrimonial voyage, no matter what
the circumstances may be, if he loves the
girl his only thought is of her and his fu-
ture happiness. Everything looks as
smooth and flowery to him as good.
healthy imagination is.capable of seeing
and as for their ever being unhappy,
why the thought never enters his head.
Well, when the justice had rung down
the curtain on the last act of our little
matinee, and had 'ponied up, he called
me to one side and said
Young man, this thing of getting mar
ried is very serious thing, and should be
looked upon as such. While there are
hundreds of men getting married every
day, and living happily with the women of
their choice, there are, on the other hand,
thousands, aye, 1 might say tens of thous-
ands, who do not live happily together,
and in consequence life is a burden to
them, and they meet death with a smile.
Now, young man, what / am getting at is
this: l have some blank divorce papers
here, and for the small sum of five dollars
1 will fill one out for you in such way
that in case you and your wife ever wish
to dissolve partnership you will have the
means right in the family, thus saving
lots of trouble and expense
THAT, Jack, is what has nearly given
me st. Vitus' dance. The words of that
old reprobate set me to thinking, and in
stead of looking forward to joy and hap
piness can think of nothing but burnt
beefsteak, mother-in-law, and all sorts of
unpleasant things. am going home this
afternoon to square Nellie and myself
with the old man, and l suppose Twill get
another dose there. Say, Jack, if you
should happen to run unto any young fell
low who contemplates marriage, by elop-
ing, tell him to go to minister, and steer
clear of Chicago justice.-Peck's San.