The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1885-03-21

on my memory. because the breakage
cost me eighteen pence out of my hard
earned pocket-money. Poison would
have been more in my line; but gentle
man can't take anything to disagree
with him nowadays without those con-
founded analytical chemists poking |
their noses into his inside and finding |
out what he last took for supper. Hang
ing was obviously unsuitable. Apart |
from other objections, nothing short of
a hawser could have supported man
of my uncle's dimensions. Drowning
would have suited well enough. but you
can't very well drown man who never
by any chance goes on the water.
should have preferred to get him mixed
up in railway accident or a dynamite
explosion, but it is difficult to
ascertain beforehand the exact time
when events of this kind are
likely to come Off After mature
consideration | decided to get him run
over, and accordingly inyeigled him
down to the bank in the busiest part of
the day, gave him heavy luncheon,
with two or three glasses of prime old
port, and then steered him neatly into
the middle of the traffic, right in front
of passing hanson. As luck would
have it, he saw his danger just in time,
and escaped it by hairs breadth. My
own attention had been so much alb
sorbed by the hanson that had not
noticed an omnibus Immediately behind
me. | was knocked down and all but
run over myself, and my uncle took me
home, terribly bruised and shaken, in
the very hanson which | had intended
to be the instrument of his promotion
to better world. To add insult to in
jury, he lectured me all the way home,
in thick, port-winey voice, on the ne
cessity of being more careful in cross
ing busy thoroughfares. l was in bed
for week, and consumed arnica
enough to stock chemists shop be-
fore | could move about with any de-
gree of comfort. Meanwhile, however,
had had leisure to perfect my plans,
and had the good fortune to hit on a
method of extinction which would be
both sure and painless. | had seen a
medical man of my acquaintance de-
! stroy an injured poodle with chloro-
form, and was struck by the sim
plicity Of the process. He poured
a little of the fluid on a
handkerchief, held it to the dog S
nose, and after one or two inspirations
the animal rolled over on its side, dead.
| resolved to chloroform my uncle after
the same manner Accordingly, pur-
chased small quantity of the fluid, and,
watching my opportunity, when the old
gentleman, having imbibed his custom
airy gin-and-water, threw his handker-
chief over his head and went to sleep, |
cautiously moistened the handkerchief
with the chloroform, letting the wetted
portion hang down well over his nose.
He breathed rather more stertorously
than before, but otherwise made nc
sign. Presently the stertorous breath,
ing grew fainter and fainter, and al
last ceased altogether. All was over,
and began to consider what would be
the best method of communicating thu
unfortunate occurrence to the rest Of
the household. | hesitated whether t.
give the alarm myself, and say that m,
uncle had been seized with an apoplec
tic fit, or to quit the room, and leav'
somebody else to make the painful dis
covery. finally decided on the latte
course, and was just leaving the room
; when the supposed dead man suddenly
sat up with q snort. 'Pahl Pish! Pooh
What this horrid smell of rotten APP
| ,N1n1 0'1 Than En1inpr ~ 1trnC HE
handkerchief that smelt, he flung i
from him, saying: Benny, you rascal
you've been up to your larlls again
You've been putting some of your mast,
patchouli stuff on my handkerchief.
declare it has given me quite a head
ache"
l was only too glad to snatch at tn
: suggestion; | owned the soft impeach
, ment, and promised not to play such
trick again. My uncle had anothe
glass of gin-and-water in considerable
,, of his headache, and we retired to rest
How my uncle slept | can't say, but
had uncomfortable dreams of publ
ceremonial, in which Mr.. Bartholomew
Binns very drunk), gentleman j
, clerical attire, and myself played prom
inent parts.
, | came down to breakfast feeling hol
ribly seedy and low-spirited My III
!, Gle, on the contrary, was quite iovia
and in unusual spruce array,
"What swell you are this morning!
, l remarked.
"Ah, I'm a moneyed man to-day,
he replied. I'm going into the city
draw my annuity"
"Your a0hGt?" exclaimed.
"My annuity. The fact is, Benn!
my boy, you and l are such gay youn
, dogs that l found l was living beyon
! my income and dipping into the cap
tai That's the sort of amusement th;
i. don't last long, you know, and like
Il be on the safe side. So the other da,
: when l was in the city, l just wake
! inGo one of the big insurance offices an
. sunk the little lot in an annuity. Fly
Il hundred and ten pounds a year the
: gave me; so rs long as l live, Bonn,
/, my boy, you and l are safe of our lit