Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-04-16
WIT AND HUMOis.

streaming?
The silk patches so fair
Round three-cornered, and square,
Give proof that the lunatic bed-quit is
there.
o, the cTazy-quilt mania triumphantly raves,
And maid, wife, and widow are bound as its
slaves.
There's good time coming, boys"
So say the Wisest men;
But if they're right. will some OF them
Please specify just when?
The cartoon now figures prominent
". The car-tune is, '.Your fare, please.
gentlemen"
II two-wheeled vehicle is a bicycle,
and three-wheeled a tricycle., to what
cycle does the wheelbarrow belOng?'
A woman at Pekin, H., has finger
nails an inch long. Her husband goes
creeping around as if he was walking
on tacks.
The conductors on street-cars in
Mexico Away carry reyolvers. Proba-
bly, they want to shoot the fares after
they have Knocked them down.
1t is well enough to permit people
to keep on discovering gold mines, but
when you are asked to buy stock is the
time for you to close your left eye
Detroit Free Press.
A man who paid the plumber $500
for putting the water on every floor of
his house said when the chimney
caught fire the engine company did the
same job without charging him pen
ny.
''Oh! yes, " said the Kentucky man.
eve keep cow, and also have well.
We can't make the punches without
milk, you know, and cow can't get
along without water. -PhiEndeLOhia
Call
A bashful youth, confronted with the
contingency of having to ''speak to the
old man about her, was heard to re-
mark: CATER fellow pops, then
pops the fellow that worries the
most"
A Brooklyn man split some ink on a
rug and expended SO. SIS to get the stain
out. AS he could buy rug for S1.75
he is correspondingly mad, and lays all
to Cleveland's election. - BrO06ly12
Times.
Joaquin Miller processes to have
cleaned against the warm, tremendous
mouth of the Mississippi. In the in
terest of sane poetry, it is a pity the
mouth didn't open and take him in
Boston Herald.
Gen. Dan Sickles, who lost his leg in
the late war, was asked by a waiter in
a restaurant how and when he lost it.
Sickles says he replied: Young man,
lost my leg at the battle of Bunker
Hill, and don't you forget it.
At the recent Woman's Congress one
lady remarked that Its a nice thing
for man to keep his mouth fit to be
kissed. What has that to do with
woman suffrage? Is this forecast of
campaign tactics in the halcyon futureP
The Philadelphia Call explains why
there are no lodges or clubs among the
Iormons. 1T is out of the range
of possibility to expect to find
eighteen or twenty wives all asleep
when the belated member gropes his
way upstairs.
Miss Prettypert- ''Why don't you
come over with your sister to our place
sometimes, Johnnie?" Johnnie iris
ing 10)-'sWel, it's like this, y'know,
Miss Prettypert. Where there's a
rippin nice girl like you, if | came often
people might think | had intentions,
anti I'm not marrying mani"
The total number of cigars produced
in the United States is 5000, 600, 900
annually. 1t makes a fellow awful sad
to think that he can't smoke them all
or 1t would make him sad were he not
aware that there are some 2, 999, 999, 600
more or less, that he wouldn't smoke
under any circumstances. -B0st0n
Transcript
A Norwich man told a lady that he
would be pleased to spend an evening
at her house. She replied that she
would be very glad to have him 90 so,
and further asked the young man to
call on Friday evening" She said she
would not be at home herself, but
mother and the dog would be there
Hartford Times.
''Algernon, love, the doctor said
that | absolutely required a change. |
was forced to tell him You was always
Just run out of it whenever | asked you
for any, and that it was weeks since
YOU had given me a cent. Then he
said must need great deal of change.
Amt you ashamed, now?" But he
wasn't. Not one bit.
Shall [ sing when the robins nest
again, darling?' she asked with a
sweet smile as She moved toward the
piano. Yes, love" he replied. Then,
after a moments pause, he added:
ALLOW me to call your attention to the
fact that the robins won't nest again
till next year" She did not sing,
and he doesn't gothere any more.
An Arizona sporting-man was re-
Gently inveigled into Il church fair and
fC IN al l,a who Of
fortune. In half an hour he had all the
money in the bank and mortgage on
the church. He very considerably
gave them back the mortgage, and in
the future the church will choose its
victims with more care.-Pucb.
A man in town received a note
Christmas, in which the writer thanked
him for some conscience money, which
be supposed the man had sent. The
receiver of the letter wrote a note in