The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1885-08-26
WIT AND HUMOR.

Long Line car recently and tried to
stow basket out of the way of the
conductor feet You'll have to pay
for that basket. said the punch-man.
What. for this little hasket?' Them 5
the orders 'Well. you can't charge
anything for this basket" why
not?'' This basket isn't years old
yet. " o. Times Democrat.
A traveller, recently returned from
India, was relating his travelling inn
presSionS. What country thai is?''
he exclaimed. There every body keeps
a dozen servants. | had four whose
sole business was to look after my pipe
One brought it 10 me, another filled it.
third lighted it for me" And
/ the fourth?" The fourth smoked it
for me. Tobacco. never agreed with
me. -MiSceianea
One of those things which no man
has ever explained. and which in all
/ probability will remain a secret until
the end of time. is why ice, which can
| be had in any quantity in most winters
for the mere hauling, right at our own
| doors, costs more than coal that has
/ to be dug out of the earth at great ex-
/ pense, and must be prepared for the
market by the aid of expensive machin-
cry, and then carried loo miles by rail.
-baReaster (Fa) Nes0 Era,
Enterprising New Yorker-'We will
have TO stop now. dear. and watch our
| chances to get across the street His
wife-''But the place we are going to
is on this side of the street Il know
dear, but | think we better take the
other side until we get there. But
what for?" My tenement houses are
on this side. and it would be safer on
the other side if they should happen to
fall, YOU know" 20. of course. What
dear. thoughtful husband you are. "
Philadelphia Call.
A grain merchant of this city made a
shipment to a man in Paintersyille five
or six years ago. and tried afterward
to collect the bill, but in vain. A few
days ago he sent another statement of
the account, and received the following
cheerful reply from relative of the
debtor: Dear Sir: Yours at hand.
Have the sadness to inform you that
John Barr is dead. Died Feb. /. 1885.
You and he will have to settle that bill
when you meet on the crossroads in
the sweet by-and-by. - Philadelphia
North american.
Let us 90 back said the scientist.
beginning his lecture. Unto the dim
past of the Tertiary ages. And his
audience arose as one man, and left the
hall. They didn't object to going back
to the Territory ages particularly, but
they didn't propose to start off on such
remote excursion without feeling
pretty certain that the return tickets
wouldn't t expire before the home trip
was concluded. Anybody can 90 to
the Tertiary ages; it doesn't require
scientist to take us there. The trouble
is to get back here again.
Great movements that take deep hold
of the public intellect and conscience
will have their reflex in the family.
The Shuttles sat in the back parlor
shivering (stoves all DOWN reading up
the reports of the Church Congress. Il
see, job" said Mr.. Shuttle, that
Washington GLADDEN. makes fun of the
typical editor at a great rate?n "Oh.
yes, indeed. Mr.. GLADDEN. knows that
editors know nothing about religion.
but holds that the ministers know all
about the newspaper business. That's
where he's truly funny. Hartford
Post.
Anxious Mrs. De Fashion: ''Oh, mer-
CIV. Run for the doctor quick!' Cal
culating husband: Running increases
the action of the heart, leads TO arortic
disturbances, and should therefore be
avoided by those of adult years except
in cases OF actual" Dear mel
Can't you understand? Ny Fido has
swallowed a penny. ''Do you know
the date? Some old coins are very
valuable - ''He has swallowed pen
ny, tell you. 1t must be got out.
Why don't you go for the doctor
quick?" well, my dear, | can't see
the use of giving a doctor - just to
get penny
Quite Surprise-Mr. and Mrs. Pc
terby have been married several years.
They live very peacefully, as is usual
with married folks. but occasionally
they have a falling out. That was
not nice way to treat me. To-day
was my birthday and you did not sur
prise me with present. Every year
since we have known each other you
have given me present on my birth
day and | counted on your doing it this
there have been any surprise if had
made you present? l didn't give you
anything on purpose so that you might
enjoy surprise.
After stating that "no one who val
ues his life should fail to buy bottle
of Quack's Great Disease Extermina-
tor" an Arizona editor thus dips into
living issues: "As we told our readers
some time ago. England and Russia
won't fight. 1t is true we had head
line The Dogs of War TO Be Let Loose
recently, as some anonymous reptile
informs us. But we are not disturbed
by little thing like that. As every
one knows, we were absent at the time
performing our legislative duties, and
the headline was written by our devil,
who cannot be expected to know as
much about the subject as ourselves.
Prof. Simpson of the University of
Texas takes the premium for absent
mindedness. He was sitting at his
desk writing a few nights ago when
one of his children entered: What do
you want? / can't be disturbed now. :"
Il only want to say goodnight. !"
'.Never mind now. Tomorrow morn
ing will do just as WELL - On another
occasion a friend said to him: ''Do you
know that your friend Smith is dead?"
..Is he, poor fellow? | am sorry to
hear it. '.Are you going to attend
the funeral?" Certainly; when is it?''
Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock. :"
Il can't attend tomorrow, but l will
be on hand the first fine day next
week '-Teras SJtiHgs-
Deacon Bucrag addressed the Sunday
school as follows: Il viii tell you a story
dear children. Little Harry was real
| good little boy, but his brothers, Tom
| and George. were bad and thoughtless.
| One day, while passing the house Of a
| poor widow, Tom and George began to
| throw stones at her cat. Little Harry
reminded them that this was very. very
wrong. and demonstrated so earnestly
| that presently they stopped throwing
| stones at the cat, and now, dear chill
dren, what do you think Tommy and
George then did?n Began to throw
stones at little Harry" was the gener-
al shout. Francisco Iagteside.
He was poet and he was talking tc
| Miss Ethel IN the conservatory, and a:
she toyed with the ice which he had
Just brought her she inquired: '.Mr.
Rimer. you write good deal of poetry,
don't you?' 20, yes, Miss Ethel, he
answered, '.and it comes so easily to
me. Why, do you know, expect it i:
more work for you to read my poems
than it is for me to write them?h ~ es
/ expect it is she answered coyly
ssand it must be so much pleasanter tC
write them than to read them.h Aad
then he looked up at the shrubs tha'
grew around them and said nothing
while she continued to toy with ths
chilly, orange-favorcd ice. = Boston
Post.