The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-04-30
W.T. AND HUMOR.

Emma Burt IN michigan CArIuSrs
WIT AND HUMoR.
Yes, we know the line, Clara:
There's music in the air." But it's
not always true. When it's an air by
Mr.. Wagner, sometimes there isn't any
music at all in it.-Pnck.
Uncle John-"Well, Jimmy, have
you enjoyed yourself to-dayP" Jimmie
NO. haven't. I've had misera-
BILE dtf ~" Uncle John-:"Miserable
day? How's thatP' Jimmie-"Aunt
Betsy told me to eat all the dinner
wanted, and l couldn't"
'.Mr. Rossa," said Mr.. Joyce, can
English sparrow has built a nest out
side of the office window" IAN En-
gIish sparrowr' exclaimed Mr.. Rosa,
that's English cheek indeed. Put q
dynamite bomb under the nest and
blow it up. '-BoStOis Courier.
An Australian naturalist is reported
to have discovered that sponges are en-
dowed with nervous system. But
this is no new discovery. Everybody
who has had dealings with him knows
well enough that the sponge has got the
nerve.-BostoH Transcript.
A Poughkeepsie family has jewel Of
a servant-girl. The family engaged her
the other day while the master of the
house was absent. When he returned
the family were away, and the new girl
refused to let him in. He was only ad-
mitted after a neighbor vouched for
him.-HudSOE Republican.
Little girl on q visit to st. Louis
ooh, mamma, think this must be
heaven" "Do you, petP Why"
Don't you see, mamma, all the ladies
how NxyiT1r lint
are on the sides OF their heads instead
of ~ their backs" Hush, darling.
Those are not wings. boston Post.
The London Literary World propos-
es that a person devoted to literary
pursuits shall be called ''literarian."
This does sound ever SO much better
than link singer" dispenser Of hog
wash" or even ''paste-pot artist"
terms which have been used quite fire.
quently, especially in the classic circles
of the Occident
''Now, Johnnie" said the teacher,
''if your father borrows 800 and prom
ises to pay $40 week. how much will
he owe in seven weeks?" zone hum
dred dollars" said johnnie. I'm
afraid you don't know your lesson very
well," remarked the teacher. al may
not know my lesson very well, ;" John
ME frankly acknowledged, "but
know my father. IN Y Times.
its boy!' young Mr.. Happiday
gleefully shouted as he rushed in and
planked a ten-dollar note down on the
bank counter; 1.-THE daisiest little fellow
you ever saw. Here, just put this on
deposit III his name, will your I'm go
ing to add to it every year and call 1t
the fresh heir fund" 1t is apt to be
that way with the first. Boston Jotsr-
nal.
A lady attended masquerade ball q
few evenings since and insisted on
wearing black domino, much to the
disgust of the gentleman who had In
| vited her. The excuse she gave was:
sWell. you see, Charlie, my husband.
died only week ago, and il would not
look well for me to appear at such .
public place in anything but black, and
| you know people will talk"
'.Wiu you lend me a quarter until I
perfect a plan whereby I can make
millions?" asked q tired looking speci-
men of humanity of Nassau street
stationer. what is your scheme9"
'.Well, I've applied for patent to con-
vert snow shovels into fans, and
As he picked himself out of the gutter he
realized once more he was sent adrift
on the ocean of unappreciability.-
Morning Journal.
Piron, the French author, having
been taken up by the watchman q the
night in the streets of Paris, was car
ried the following morning before the
Lieutenant of Police, who haughtily in
terrogated him concerning his business
or profession. 81 am poet, sir, )" said
Piron. 80, o, poet, are your" said
the magistrate; 81 have brother who
is a poet Then we are even," said
Piron, ''foY j have a brother who Is q
fool"
A couple of new arrivals in New Or
leans saw an immense crowd congrs-
gated about a hundred yards distant
from the exhibition bdilding. '-Comes"
|, said one of them, ''they must be look
: ing at the wonderful old Liberty Bell"
} and they hurried off and reached the
J crowd in time to witness tho close CT
! an exciting and imposing dog fight.
The bell stood neglected and alone on
a truck some quarter of mile distant.
. -NoTTistO101S Herald.
There is something that has preyed
3 heavily on my mind ever since our en-
| gagement, DEAR" he said, ''but I am
almost afraid to tell you of it. 'fNhat
is it, GeorgeP' the young woman ask.
: ed anxiously. 81 am somnambulist u
{ 80, is that alp" she exclaimed, with 9
: sigh of relief. 81 have always been q
: Universalist myself, but of course when
we are made one shall expect TO A.
tend your church. "-Nes0 York Times.
: An Ohio paper thus enumerate1
y some of the crimes and casualties Of
the roller-skating rink: "a New Lis,
bon young lady stole her poor old
s grandmother false teeth and paWned
Il them to raise money to attend the skat'
ing-rink. Two New Philadelphia girl
stole crock of lard from their cellAl
3 to pay their fares to the rink. Two
y Uhrichsville girls bought coffee upon
= the credit of the old folks, afterWsrd
sold the same, and purchased tickets x
the rink"
81 s"The Chinese have got 3 very ex
of pressive language" said Tom Benton
of Houston, one morning after break
n fast. What is there expressive abou
J. it?" asked his mother-in-law, who is a
y incessant talker. Take the Wort
l. Ken for instance." ''What does Kel
mean?'' ut means several things. Il
h the first place it means q female mouth
# Another meaning of Ken is gate. Il
N short, anything that is everlastingly
% opening and shutting is called KEN
IS TEXAS Syttngs.
Some men engaged in getting on
hOOu a. AnCAiAc1 AaAO 1oHSSS ASSSA
having had a glimpse Of the famou
trout that has been seen from time Z
9. time in Lake Tahoe. They say ts va
n. about forty feet long, and was movini
!. through the water, with its dorsal a
= expanded, at the rate of about mile
+ minute Virginia (Ne6.) Enterpriss.
Several Maine Iumbermen saw
strength and time IN splitting logs b
boring q hoIe In one end. ficbffv =;
ne sorting sawed-of gun barrel hesviT
n charged. When the trigger is pulIe.
= by string the log is clearly hslTed
Iy and sometimes quartered.