Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1885-12-02
NEWSPAPER WIT.

L.
mawn." "Beastly nice" 'Maw'n."
:'Maw'n." They crawl apart.-To-
Day.
FATHER-"What is your favorlte
hymn, Clara, my darling? Clara
THE one you chased away over the
fence last night, dear papa. "-LoWeH
Citizen.
SCHOOL TEACHER-"W What is a sub
stantive?" Mickey (son of the leader
in the S'teenth Ward Its a man
what goes to the convintion whln you
can't go yourself PUCK.
Miss CLARA-Are you an anglomani-
&C, Mr.. Featherly? Mr.. Featherly-
Well, hardly as strong as that, Miss
Clara. | fish occasionally; but | am
fond ofanglingto admitted extent only.
The Sun.
SAYS an exchange: "Attention is
called to the advertisement of a horse
lost, which appears in another col
umn." After such evidence as this,
who can doubt the benefits of adver-
tising.-Boston Transcript.
The stingiest man on record lives
in Hart County. 1t is sworn to and
subscribed to by many witnesses that
ne always gets behind a tree to look
at his watch for fear some one will ask
him for the time of day.-HartWeH
Sun.
Mrs. c. Ito Mr.. D., who is visiting
there and has just sung some hymns)
-"Do you sing Forever and For
ever ?" (meaning the famous English
Sunday night piece. Mr.. D.-"My
dear madam, no; it's very seldom I
sing at ALL"
"A CALIFORNIA blacksmith is dan
gerously III with CHAMBERS, contracted
while shoeing a horse" And Penn
sylvania woman is suffering from a
sprained ankle, contracted while
"shooing" hen. There seems to be
a fatality about this shoeing business.
-NOrristoWn Herald.
JUDGE Ito small witness)-Little
boy, do you know the nature of an
oath? Small witness (doubtfully)-
N-no sir. Judge-Do you know what
you are to tell? Small witness doubts
cleared awayl-Oh, yes, sir. That
baldheaded old lawyer over there told
me what to tell.-Life.
OLD Mr.. Bennington lin picture gal
lery)-That's right smart lookin'
pictur, Mister. Dealer-Yes, that was
painted by one of the old masters
hastily but beg your pardon, sir,
you mustn't touch it with your UNI
brella. Old Mr.. Bennington-Wha
the matter, amt it dry yet New
York Times.
A SWINToN 4-year-old who has a
drum and is not slow to beat it heard
a hand-organ the other day and was
particularly struck with the fact that
the organ-grinder took up acollection
After the musician" had departed the
little fellow remarked: Il don't drum
any more only for money. st. Al
bans (Vt.) Messenger.
SMALL BROTHER: "Where did you
get that cake, Annie?" Small Sister:
sMother gave it to me-" Small
Brother: "Ah, she always gives you
more than me-" Small Sister: s'Never
mind; she's going TO put mustard
plasters on us when we 60 to bed to-
night, and I'll ask her to let you have
the biggest. ''-Exchange.
81 CAN'T take this Canadian 1O-cent
piece" said horse-car conductor to
a passenger IN New York the other
day. tWhy not?" Because there's
smallpox in Montreal. Some Of you
fellers never seem to read the papers"
you're safe enough, said the passen-
ger. Don't you see it's got a hole in
1t? That where it was vaccinated.''
Texas SHtings.
PROFESSOR Ito first applcant)- i
Name and age, sir? First student
Abner Bascom; age, II. Professor Ito
second applicant(-And you, sir? Sec
ond student-Phineas Bascom; age II.
Professor-Brothers? S. S.-Yes, sir.
Professor-Twins? S. S. (doubtfully)
We'll, yes; twins on our fathers side.
We are from Salt Lake. Professor
Oh, oh.-The Rambler.
BoY-I amt been stealin', sir. Irate
Farmer-Aint, Ell? I'd like to know
what you call stealin', then. After I
been and fenced up my orchard and
spiked the fence and bought a dog and
laid man traps and spring guns, and
put up signs and warnin's, and then
you come in IN spite of it all and lug
off my fruit; what do you call that,
Ell? Boy-Enterprise, sir.-The Judge.
FRIEND Ito young author) -"How
are you succeeding in your literary
work ?" Young Author hopefully
"Well, comparatively speaking, [ am
doing well' Friend-"What is com
paratively speaking?'' Young Author
Zone of the greatest of modern writ
ers wrote for twenty years before he
had single MS. accepted. I have only
been writing five years. Compared
With him, | fiatter myself that [ am
doing well'
al DON'T understand this at ALL"
said Smith, as he looked over the bill.
"Why, it's a bill for pair of bronze
vases, at $25 per pair replied the
collector. Bronze vases? Why, l
never bought such thing in my life!
We have pair in the house, but they
were a wedding present" presented
by whom?" by my friend Green"
Exactly. He told us to wait three
months, and send the DILL to YOU.
That has come to be the fashion now,
and j am surprised that you didn't
patph on I'II racaipt IL HNbo,Ix,