The Wilmingtonian., 1885-01-03
HUMOROUS.

standing exactly what he means.
Intending purchaser of horse (d0uBtfully)
-"What makes him lay his ear back like
that9' Dealer (more in sorrow than in an
ger)-"Lor, sir that shows what sensible
hanimal he is, sir. He's list ming to all
what We says about him.
A practical view-Eulalia- can only
give you my hand without my heart
Practical Suitor-"Well l would rather
have hand without heart than heart
without hand" "Eulalia-" Indeed"
Practical Suitor-"Yes; a heart without u
hand can't sew on buttons you know"
'Can you tell me, " said rich young fop
to a poor but beautiful girl, "why it is that
ladies nowadays look so much to money III
the matter of marriage?" She looked him
coolly over and answered: 81 suppose it is
because they so seldom find anything else
in man worth having.
A Scotch woman wishing to frighten her
husband from nightly visiting dram shop,
got man to scare him on his way home.
AS he rose from behind bush, John called
out, "who are you? ?' 81 am Auld Nick"
was the reply. ''Come AVA mon," said
John, 'gie me shake of your hand; am
married to a sister o. yours"
Once the late Judge Black, in examining
| a witness who had been in the army, said :
"Come soldier, tell us what you know OF this
matter" 81 am no soldier, l am an officer, ,
hsughtily responded the witness. Where
upon the old lawyer calmly said: "W.ll
then, officer who is no soldier tell us what
| you know" The vain fellow was crushed
| Husband: "Hnlda, dear, as was passing
through our garden l saw some asparagus
ready for cooking; perhaps you would like
to go and gather the first fruit of the season
yourself?" Young wife (anxious to conceal
her ignorance in the vegetable Department.;
81 tell you what, Adolphus, we will go to-
gether; you shall pluck it and l will hold
the ladder"
'Mr. Jinks," said the small boy, running
into the parlor, where his sister Mary anil
the gentleman were seated, "what would
you do if you were out in the street and ii
came on to rain ?''
81 don't know answered JInks.
"Then guess Mary was right, for she
said this morning that she didn't believe
you knew enough to go in the house when il
rained"
But when Mary had finished with him
that evening he made a solemn resolve never
to attempt in the future to verify any thing
his sister might say.
SHE DID 1T.
1t was Woman's Rights meeting. Th,
name of Mrs. Bosphorous had been present
ed for consideration.
Ladies' and gentlemen, said one Of til,
womanest kind of Wouan's Right
woman, "while have no objections to Mrs
Bosphorus as social companion, do no
consider her by any means a woman of suf
ficient determination to join this society
There are horrid rumors ahoat concernin,
her which must be explained. The lin
: must be drawn somewhere"
"What has she doneP" asked the meet
ing, in chorus.
''She has sewed on her husbands shirt
buttons"
SHE WASN'T ASLEEP.
"You can't deceive me, Mr.. Jarphly,
said Mrs Jarphly, snappishly and emphati
cally, 'it was after o'clock and l WASH
asleep"
"Why, Amandy, you are badly mistaken,
responded Mr.. Jarphly, in a concliator
l voice; ''it wasn't more'n 11:3O''
"Now, Jarphly don't you sit there an
falsify to me. I'm no fool, if you think
/, am"
"Amandy, | never said you was; yo
know didn't. l only say you are mistaken
my dear, for it was only 11:3O, or twenty
five minutes to 1872
2 "Jarphly wot's the use you sitting theI
and lyingP Don't you think could see I'll
clock2"
"Well, Amandy, I've got nothing MOI
to say, if you'd rather believe ninety-fy
cent nickle-plated clock thar your own ma
> ried husband" responded Mr.. Jarphl,
deeply injured.
THE IRISH WIDOWS DAUGHTER WANTS I
GO AWAY FOR THE SUMNER.
Mrs. Magoogin sent her son, Tommy IL
Tough, in for Mrs. McGaggerty, and SOC
the neighbor was hanging over the fence.
"Do ye know, Mrs. McGlaggerty," sal
the widow, "fwhat's allin' me daughtht
Arethoosy now?"
'No," said the neighbor.
"Well, it's foonny," the widow went OF
= 'She have vacation at the tobacky fa
thory-it shut down lasht wake an nov
divil take the consait out av her, she wan
to go 20 some watherin' place or saysoid
l tould her she lkud take her imbrid cry
she's maxim a sheo-hoy hatband fur thi
bow-legged little Dootch bow av hers
tould her to take her imbridhery an wath,
colors an sit out besoide the hoydrant a
she wanted to kape cool an wasn't afeei
av the goats attn the sthuh up, an 81
nearly killed poor Tammy for perpethrati
another joke av the same koind upon he
Mother says Tam to me, did We he
about Arethoosy?" No, sez L; 'fwhat
her? p sez |. 'Oh, nawthin',' sez he, 'cn
she's goin' to the saysoide.' 'Fwhat sa
soide p sez l. THE Saysoide Lobby, IS
he, AN wild that Arethoosy lanes over fro
her ottyman, an saizin' houd av the lid
the cukin' shtove, flung it afther Tamm
an KEN near openin' the back av the DO
b'y's head, Oh, it's graft foon we hay
: wild her since she began to talk about d
a | ;la Al