Connecticut western news., 1885-01-21
WIT AND WISDOM.

hhls
 REMEMBERING the poor is we'll enough, but it is much better to give them some. thing.
 TIE moon is making very bad be. ginning for 1885. It gets full twice this month.
 WHEN hen retircs for the night 1t is quite proper to speak of her As a rooster.
 TIE ico man may not be much of e skater, but he is able to make fancy iig. ures on ice.
 A KNOWLEDGE of the worst is seldom 60 hard to bear as the suspense which preccdes it.
 TIE camel is tho only bird VIC yearn 10 hear warblo after listening to a man learning to play tue violin.
 BEGIN the new year by buying Q now umbrella and a diary; then just make note of the one you keep the longest.
 "IT you can't be lamp bo q candlo," says Mir. Moody. Tho bother of 1t ia most people would rather be ton.ccnt brass lamp than S5 hand-painted can de.
 Fon seven years a New Hampshire mechanic made a circuit of half mile twice per day rather than pass a powder house. The other day he learned thnt 1t had been empty for eight yearn.
 OLD gentleman to railway porter Porter, the rain is dripping in from the lamp-hole all over my troBers.r Porter-"No, sir, it's quite watcr-hght, I assure youi it's only the oil leaking q bit"
 HE-A man in Georgia has sold his wife. She-The men would do it hero if they could, but we're too sharp for them. You tried to sell me last night about sitting up with sick friend, but I knew better.
 A BOOK has just been published on. titled "How to Make $500 a Year with Twelve Hens" That is simple enough. Sell one hen A month at S4l.66l. What this lacks in humor is more than made up in arithmetic
 Nor long ago Western paper had an account of a wedding in one column, and of O divorce in the next column. The heading of the first column was "The Tie that Binds" and of the second, "The Yoke that Calls"
 CELIA, my child" said prudish old maid to pretty niece, 'if the Lord had intended your hair to be curlod, He would have done it Himself" 'So He did, auntie, when I was a baby, but He thinks I am big enough now to doit my self"
 A PHLADELPHIAN went to physician with what he feared was hopeless case of heart disease, but was relieved on finding out that the creaking sound which he had heard at every deep breath was caused by a little pulley on his patent suspenders.
 TIE best thing to give your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to friend, your heart; to a child. 6 good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to ali men, charity.
 AN ingenious reply of a clever wo- man. She was speaking in defence of an absent friend. "Ah, madam" said me, "you speak we'll of him because he is your friend" "Not at all, :" she an- ,wcred. "He is my friend because I ntn speak well of him."
 TIE boy who to his mother says,
 As he the pantry passes,
 And sights the tempting syrup-cup,
 "Oh, gimme some molassca Y
 Advanced Co riper years, still cries,
 When wehricd from his classes,
 And lounging At some watering place,
 "0h, give me summer lAsses"
 -chicdgo sun
 WHAT he objected to-"So you've been practicing at tho skating rink, eh ?" said friend to Simpkins. Yes" admitted Simpkins, "I have. !" Well, how do you take to the rollers 2" "Oh, I've no objection to the rollers. They're all right It's the chalk on the floor object to. It's 80 darned hard to brush off."
 Ir is said that owing to the war among druggists and patent medicine men, tho people will soon get pills at their own value. There are pills and pills; and when people get certain brand at their own value. a man may go to the drug store with ten cents and market basket and return home laden down with the pellets. -Norrtsto,On H,rdld.
 "WHAr is the bseed of your calf 2" said a would-be buyer to a farmer. "Well," said the farmer, ''all I know about it is that his father gored justice of the peace to death, tossed q book agent into the fence corner, and stood . hghtning-rod man on his head; and his mother chased a female lecturer two miles, and if that ain't breed enough to ask s4 on you needn't take him."
 A GENTLEMAN just returned from Indii thus relates his experiences; "The wors thing about the place." he says, 'is th' nuisance of numerous servants. Why while was at Bogglywallah l had iou servants to look after my pipe alone ? -Four servants to attend to your pipe ? "Yes. The first one brought it to me inc second filled it, the third lit It. "And the fourth ?" "oh, he smoked 1t I never could abide tobacco in any form you know r'