Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Sagacity.-A reporter, in describ-
ing the turning of dog out of court
by order of the bench, says; "The
elected canine as he was ignominious-
ly dragged from the room, cast a
glance at the judge for the purpose
of being able to identify him at some
future time" ."-Ex.
Heres musical salesman adver-
tised for. Why don't you apply,
NedT 81? Why, I'm not musical" I"
perhaps not but / notice you can
blow your own horn, you're familiar
with bars, your remarks are full of
slurs, you're always giving notes, and
all the rest."-H0tel Gazette.
The Mrs. General of a Philadel-
phia seminary reproved a girl who
had said that the weather made her
sweat, and gave her lesson in the
use of synonymes at the same time by
saying: "My dear, bear in mind that
horses sweat, men perspire, and young
ladies get in a glow."-Ex.
Thus the San Francisco Post: A
Los Angeles rancher has raised a
pumpkin so large that his two chill
dren used half each for q cradle.
This may seem very wonderful in the
rural districts, but in this city three
or four full-grown policemen have
been found asleep on single beat.
"Have you ever tried faith cure?"
asked a long haired, sallow faced
stranger, addressing a gentlemen who
sat behind him in Brooklyn street
car. II have," was the answer. "Do
you believe in it?" 81 do" MAY l
ask, then, of what you were cured ?"
Certainly, was cured of my faith"
FIX.
"Show me a sensible man present
who is opposed to capital punish
mentp exclaimed a lawyer while in
conversation during recess Of court.
II am" replied a gentleman sitting
near. "And why so, sir? give your
reasons" Because l am sentenced to
be hanged next month. ."-Arkansaw
Traveller.
An editor got shaved in a barber
shop lately, and offered the darkey
dime, which was refused, because, said
he, 81 understand you is an editor?"
"Well, what of that" 1--WE never
charge editors nuffinl" "But such
liberality will ruin you" ooh, never
mind, we make it up off the gemmen !"
-Ex.
1t was Boston news boy who
startled a car full of people by say
ing that the man who had bet 81 900
that Cleveland would never see Wash
ington alive was likely to win his bet.
And when they all cried out, "Why ~
he blandly replied: Because Wash
ington died too long ago."-Water-
bury American.
An old gentleman of eighty-four,
having taken to the altar a damsel of
sixteen, the clergyman said to him:
"You will find the font at the oppo-
site end Of the church." "What do
l want with the font ?" asked the
old gentleman. II beg your pardon"
said the clerical wit. 81 thought you
had brought the child to be christen-
ed."-Ex.
"That is a lovely horseshoe orna-
ment," remarked young Kellogg,
while calling on an east New York
girl, pointing to horseshoe over the
door decorated with forget-me-nots
and daisies. "Pooh, that's no horse
shoe; that's Emma's old false teeth
that she trimmed up" shouted the
young brother who was behind the
piano.-Brooklyn Times.
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"You have to work pretty hard,
don't youi" said good natured old
gentleman to car.driver. "Well, 1
should smile, but have no cause to
complain" "Why not?" Because
my boss is so liberal that he gives me
nearly eighteen hours to do one days
work in, while you poor bankers have
to crowd your work into about four
hours. New York Journal.