The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-05-01
A cHRrsrnAs STORY.
Concerning the Admission Of Mr.. Hic Jones
to the Paint Creek Bar.
BY EucENE wARE,

BY EUGENE WARE.
Jones was young and unassuming, but the
shrewd observer saw
Something that appeared abnormal In the
| When the court convened, old Snipe' EN-, with
voice like guitar,
offered Jones' application for admission to the
bar.
Then the court looked wise ana owly, and in
Ordered snipe'em, Brown and Spot em. first to
analyze young Jones,
Saying, .'Gentlemen, be thorough, at the OPEN
ing of the court,
| Will we skip the motion docket and consider
your report
Sheriff Grabb then showed the party to the
''ante'' room up stairs,
Where table stacked with gun-wads. had
been checkmated with chairs,
1t was four O'Clock precisely, spot'em gently
Saying, Frauds, I'll act as banker waltz
your ducats up to me.''
The analysis proceeded until twelve or therea-
bout,
When the stock of ardent spirits unexpectedly
gave ont.
Spot'em wrote a note to Julius, saying, ''Jul-
ius, IL You please,
Send us up red-hot lunch for four, we're rak-
ing down for threes'p
And an order for frumenti and cigars, was sent
by Brown,
Drawn on Thomas, of the "Wilder," chief
nose artist of the town.
The committee stopped for adjusted
And proceeded with fresh vigor in their re-
searches for Jones.
just about this time the district clerk of the
aforesaid court,
by some unknown coincidence, dropped in to
Having hefted the .fiumenfi, he did cheerfully
reply
To their bland interrogatIons in regard to
Unpaid ices in Spotem's COW case, then were
discounted by Brown,
Which the clerk took out in gun-wads, most of
which young Jones raked down.
At the hour Of three precisely-after four sue
cessful raids,
spot'em raked down snipe' ems shirt studs
with a hand composed of spades.
Snibe'em took dose of tonic and reluctantly
resigned,
While the clerk with sad bravado, went col
lar button blind.
Hour by hour, the game continued; Jones came
in on every draw
But no syllable proceeded from that strange
abnormal jaw.
On bench snoozed spot'em sadly, in the cor
While the smoked up coal-oil chimney cast
deep sepulchral gloom;
And at mes his troubled slumbering evoked
AS if saying, at is dificult-this Analysing
Jones. -
When at last the time at which the court should
re-assemble came,
1t did not seem to influence the progress of the
game.
They as yet had not made up their minds con-
corning their report,
And here we leave them briefly while we look
In on the court.
\ pro ten judge was on the bench, two members
of the bar
Assaulted twelve one gallows men with words
The way was this: 1t seems that Smith in OPEN
ing his case,
Had told the jury carelessly, that at some time
orplace,
That he had seen real dead mule-his Ian
guage was not pat
OF course, nobody ever saw mule as dead as
that.
But still, Smith was excusable-the heat of a
debate
May lead man unconsciously to slightly over
state
Zeal for clients lawsuit-the more if it be
May make lawyers language so impalpably
Oblique.
Rur still, upon the other hand, an orator, for
sooth,
Should h try an, and keep his statements within gun
And Smith was very careless in observance of
the rule,
To make so rash statement in regard to any
mule.
Its absurdness never struck him, for he never
stopped to think,
All at once he dropped upon it when he saw
juror wink.
Now if Smith had been sagacious, he immedi-
ately then
Would have modified that statement to those
twelve One-gallows men.
intimatpl mi hat niul,f
have been horse:
But he didn't, conscience smote him, and he
sunk down with remorse.
Folded mp as folds primrose when the gates
of day are shut;
Folded up as folds jackknife when chaw of
plug is cut.
find,
Remarks should be adaptable unto the hearers
mind.
Twelve preachers might have took it in, but
Smith could never fool
Twelve citizens of Turkey Creek with reference
to mule.
Then up rose lawyer Soak EN- and his lips were
close compressed,
His left hand gripped his coat-tail-his right
was on his breast.
He gazed on the palladium" his look was
In thunder tones he characterized Smiths
statement as lie.
And then in words that Soak EN- took the troub-
lie to adorn,
He branded him-denounced him-held him up
to public scorn,
Pointed his finger at him, and in allegoric
sense,
He peeled Smiths epidermis off and hung it on
the fence.
Then in few pathetic words he made allusion
The, Immortality of mules. which every jury
knew.
The jury cheered the diction that in such pro-
And Smith-he writhed in agony of hopeless
grief and shame
The jury then were eulogized appropriately
neat,
And of course they found for Soak'em without
rising from their seat
But how they reached the merits of the case is
For the action they were trying was replevin
for steer.
Hereupon come Brown and Spot em.-Jones
and Snipe' EN- in the rear,
Arm in arm, each with his neck-tie dangling
down below his ear;
Each one made a short spasmodic pull upon his
rumpled vest,
And fronting up before the Judge, the whole
platoon right dressed.
"Hic, your HONOR said old Snipe' em, with
voice suffnsed yet sweet;
''Hic, we've ma der examination MORN err usu-
al complete,
We've just gone--hic-tho'e can idate-s'pro-
fciency is fair.''
"Hic-you bet,' said Brown, who eyed the
Court with mild, fiashy glare;
Went RI Observation-Disclosures" said Snipe-
'em, che z'all ri'-hic-on Ter law;
He can draw FER chattel mortgage-er three
aces every draw
Z'got all Spot'em's ex-books and reports,