Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-07-12
WIT AND ulJMOIc.

louih ny MS nphniDns, because lie
falls so en.-Burtinyton Pree Press
The feeling between the rival and
adjacent cities Of st. Paul and Mime.
apolis, Mimi, is sad to be so bitter
that, were Gabriel to take his stand in
either town and blow his trumpet, tho
inhabitants Of the other would not pay
the slightest attention to the sum-
mons.
Mamma, what's a bookworm?"
"Ono who loves to read and study and
collect books, my dear" The next
night company called. Miss Edith,
who wears rings innumerable, was
present. 80, mamma, look at Miss
Edith's rings. guess she's ring
worm, amt sheP'
When baby begins to ask questions
wise men take their departure. A "2-
year-old" can run tho profoundcst
scholar to ground in ten minutes. One
of them recently examined the eyes Of
his sister and asked, "Mamma, where
does the Lord get his blue dust from?'
Macon (Ga.) Telegraph.
a couple of guys waited upon the
rector Of the Medical Faculty of the
Heidelberg University. Professor
What is it you want?" Both--.'We
wish TO sell our bodies for dissection
after DEATH" Professor-"Very good;
how much do you ask?" Both-'Well,
you see at the University of Magde-
burg the gave us each ten thalcrsH'-
UuDtOrtSttche Bidtter.
"Oh, say, maj exclaimed bright
little girl at the Hoffman House while
at dinner, "hasn't that man over there
got awful big ears3'
"Hush, child! the gentleman might
hear you,h cautioned the mother.
"Well, ma" retorted the precocious
youngstcr, ''if he couldn't hear me
with those ears he ought to haul 'em
down. "-New York. Journal.
MY bruddcr Moses ncfer get rich
if he yhas in der clothing pecseness for
a tousand years"
Don't he buy goods close enough?"
"Dot doan make somepody rich.
Der troubles nit Moses vhas dot he
vhas too oxcited. When he belief dot
England and Russia go to war he put
$500 into wheat. and in five days he
lose eafery cent
What should he have doneP'
keep dot money in his pocket and
mark his stock up 20 per cent u VAL
street NcWS.
Young Fcatherly, who was dining
with the family, was unremitting in
attentions to the eldest daughter.
81 don't see that sister is eatin' any
salt, vcntured watchful Bobby.
Never mind what your sister is
eating, Bobby" intcrposcd the father
in alarm. Little boys should be seen.
not
"Well, she ought to eat salt" in
sisted Bobby, "'cos ma told her last
night that everything what Mr.. Feath-
erly said to her must be taken with
grain o salt. ."-AeW York Times.
A Houston editor. whose name it is
not necessary to mention, as everybody
knows who is meant, was recovering
from a spell of sickness. As soon as
he was able to sit up, the doctor, who
had studied the patients constitution,
said:
"Iou are SO much improved that
you can take Il toddy or glass of
beer"
Every fifteen minutes or every half
hour doctorp' asked the journalist,
who began to feel himself again. Yer-
Us SyttayS.
'Seo here, Brinker," if you don't
quit dunning me for that little fool meat
bill there Ii be rumpus between you
and me"
"Vell, how mooch l dun you? Not
more as twice in Won week"
"9cs-but see how long you've been
al in tu,
"Vcll, Gurnel, make bargain nit
you. OUT you dot bill pays oil don'd
dun you no more, hain't it?'
The Colonel refused to accept the
proposition, and Brinkcr will continue
in the dunning business. kentucky
Stdtc JO2rHdi.
Johnny (who is spending the after
noon at the Smiths My mother says
she'd like to look like you, Mrs.
Smith.
Mrs. S. (who is extremely plain, but
not entirely aware of iD-Like me, my
dear? take that as a compliment,
indeed, from so very pretty lady as
your mamma. You're quite sure it
was |, Johnny, that she meantp
Johnny (accepting another sruller)
Oh, yes'm. She said that il she
could have your health and strength,
she believed she'd as lief look just as
you do.-Harper' Bazar.
The Peasant Who Was Short on
Wheat-A Peasant who was Short on
Wheat for May Delivery, and found
Ruin Staring Him in the Face Bctook
himself to the Cave OF a Philosopher
and said: 30, Wise Man. am half a
million Bushels of Wheat short on May
Delivery. came to ask help Of the
Gods through you" know ye, my
Friend" replied the old man, "that
the Gods Render Aid only when tho
Lawyers have given up the Casc?"
The next morning the Peasant was in
Canada. Moral: And his Lawyer Set
tied all Claims for 40 cents on the Dol
lar,
"Hcns," says the IIaverhill Bulletin,
"are nothing more or less, SO to speak,
than machines, and with good feed and
regularity of machinery" We en-
tirely agree with this view. In the
spring time, for instance, they can 60
through flower or vegetable bed in
such manner as TO leave the impress
sion that a moving machine or patent
steam plow with harrow attachment
had been at work in the premises.
Undoubtedly hens are very much like
machines, the only difference being
that they can be little more destruc-
tive when they get down to business. -
Boston Courier.
Two not very prepossessng-looking
gentlemen were toasting their feet at a
stove in the back room Of a saloon.
One of them was reading a newspaper
Suddenly no exclaimed: "Why, Sam