The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1885-06-26
Wit and Humor.


color.
A Jersey City Decor forms his writ |
ten prescriptions into poetry. A doc
tors prescription is bad enough under
any circumstances, but written in verse
it must be an awful dose J. Yonkers
,StdtesmGn.
In some of the New York skating
rinks a novel feature is the presence of
boys dressed in female attire. Young
America is cute. He soon learns that
it is more comfortable TO sit down OH a
hustle than on a pair of dude pants
burlington Free Press.
Trousers with two legs are pair
shirt with two arms is only one shirt.
Philosophers had better give up trying
TO find out whether the moon is inhabi-
ted with spooks and clear up some Of
the dark mysteries of this life.-De-
tron Every Saturday.
Miss Anna L. Dawes, daughter of
the Massachusetts Senator, Henry l..
Dawes, takes pains to announce that
her new work, "How We Are Govern
ed, is especially for young people, wise
ly supposing that men who are married
know all about it. ...
A New York circus is advertising
for the second year sacred white ele-
phant An animal that can keep the
company of circus men for year and
remain sacred must certainly be curl.
osity worth stealing under the tent to
see.- Yonkers Statesman.
"No, sirl" yelled the grocer, as he
shook his fist at retreating customer;
'he can't bulldoze me. ! won't have
it. No one ever called me coward
"That's so,' remarked friend admir-
ingly. Everyone says you have lots
of sand.'-N Y. Graphic.
"Papa," said little boy, "where can
I get some wild oats?" "You cannot
get any just now, my son but, if you
wait till that man comes out of that
saloon across the way, / will show you
some,a Las he is sowing them at present.
Carl PretzeTs Weekly.
"Well, uncle, how's business with
you'" ''Pooty, slow, sab, but / hyar
say dish yer Africanistum War am
gwine ter make a big deman' fo bread
stuffs, an Use spectin' powerful 'viv.
al O bizniss wen de effeck gifts roun'
ter sandwiches sab. "-Col,tnabia Spec
tdtor.
Physicians say that smoking short
o,s +ho v,,o,,,orx, t. ,,,ust In an Wa ra
member that cigar drummer that came
in many long days ago. He gave us
cigar, smoked two himself, and then
borrowed $40. His memory must have
failed next day. Alas, we have never
heard from him since.--EoansviNe
Argus.
The Supreme Court of Ohio has de-
cided that a subscriber cannot swear
over telephone line without the con-
sent of the company. But the sub
scriber can derive consolation from the
fact that he is still permitted to swear
at the company without the consent
of the telephone line.-Norristo,on
Herald
Visitor Ito convict in Western pen
itentiary)-Do they treat you kindly,
my poor fellow? Convict Cautiously
We'll, l don't want to make any COM
plants, sir, but it's hardly right to
make man listen to Baptist minister
every Sunday morning when he was
born and brought up an Episcopalian.
~ Y. Times.
HDr. Chapins wit, says Henry Ward
Beecher, ''fashed like the spokes of q
wheel in the sum-" One day he sat
down on Rev. DR.. Emerson's hat, and
then instantly arose and passed the
crumpled thing to its owner, saying
"You ought to thank me for that, for
your hat was only silk, bat now it is
satin.
Smith keeps savage dog upon his
premises and near its kennel board
is displayed with the warning in large
letters, ''Beware of the dog" 81 sup
pose," said Jones, pointing to the warn
ing, "you have painted that sign in
large letters so that she who runs may
read" ''No," said Smith, "but that
he who reads may un."-Boston Cou-
rier.
A famous English writer and wit be-
ing on visit in some country house,
an elderly maiden lady set her heart on
being his companion in walk. He
excused himself at first on account Of
the badness of the weather. Soon af-
terwards, however, the lady intercepted
him in an attempt to escape without
her. "Well,' she said, ''it has cleared
up see." "Why yes" he answered,
sit has cleared up enough for one, but
not for tcO.'
A man in New York who could
speak Italian, Portuguese, Spanish,
Greek, Turkish, French and English
fluently applied to the Justice at the
Tombs a few days ago for employment.
While this unfortunate man was frit-
tering away his valuable time master
ing several languages he might have
learned the art of pitching a curved
ball, and would now he overwhelmed
with tempting offers to become the
pitcher of a score of professional base
ball clubs.-Norristown Herald
A good jooke is told on Sheriff of
neighboring county, who went in the
country to ''level' on mule, but being
told that the mules great age exempt
ed him from levy the Sheriff retraced
his steps to town, distance of nine
miles, to examine the code in reference
thereto. He found that the mules ave
was no bar TO levy, and went back
and found that the owner had availed
himself of the interim to run the mule
off.-Macon (Ga.) Telegraph.
A California Judge has decided that
man cannot recover damages from
parents who elected him from their
house for frightening their baby into
spasms while attempting to kiss it.
Good for himl The baby has been
put upon too long. Why should he be
kissed by old and young, and by it,
valids of every name and variety,