News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-03-26
STRAY BITS OF HUM0R
FOUND IN THE COLUMNS OF OUR
EXCHANGES.
All Broken Up-Kfndness in the Extreme
"A Cautious LOver-Very Busy-SOme.
body Saying Something, Etc,s Etc.

ALL BROKEN UP.
swell, I got on freight train and
rode up to Hubbleson's siding, forty.
three mild that night, to see my girl, Z"
said a western young man in CONVEX
sation with Burdette. "I allowed to visit
with her folks all that night and
Sunday, an come home on the passen-
ger Monday mornin'. She lives six
mild from the station, an I tramped out
to the house in all that blizzard AMI got
there long bout 'leven o'clock Saturday
night. An I'll be teetotally COW kicked
by bullrush il there was livin' soul to
home Old folks, It seems, had gone
away to Lincoln to stay over Sunday,
my girl had went down to Grier's Island
to stay week, the hired man had taken
the only horse left on the place an gone
down to dance on Beasely's branch,
eleven mild away, an there was, left
over Sunday where didn't know soul.
Went to Deacon Numbers an told him
who my father was, an he kept me.
Deacon's stone blind and has the
asthma so bad he can't talk his wife's
SO deef she can't hear it thunder, they
have no children an don't keep no help,
an don't cook anything Sundays. l
went to church three times that day and
went to two funerals the deacon goes to
bed at eight o'clock and so l shivered
on straw bed under a cotton qnilt in
north room for thirteen hours. Now
think of all that when a fellerd been ex-
pectin' turkey dinner, singin' Hold
the Fort, by melodeon all afternoon
an huggin' the prettiest girl in all New
brasky from sundown till one o'clock in
the mornin', an tell me eff 1 amt got
more right to feel broke up than any
man this side O. the kingdom? Say mo-
an I'll slam you on top O. the head with
this overshoe |"
CAUTIOUS LOVER.
John Shorger has been paying marked
attention to Miss De Smythe, one of the
bellies Of Taxarkana. He came very near
proposing several times, but did mot dare
risk it for fear that she might refuse to
amalgamate. He got around it very
nicely, however, while escorting her
home from church. He said
"Miss De Smythe, if there is any
thing in the world I dislike it is to have
a young lady refuse me. I wish you
would tell me if you would say yes in
case were to ask your hand in mar
riage.""
She suggested that he try it. but he
he could see his way more clearly
Teras ,Siftiaags.
TWAS TARDY IN TENSE.
"Horatius," said the schooimaster to
nine-year-old boy with two imposing
freckles on his nose and two equally i'm
posing freckles on the knees of his
pants, "Horatius, please form sen,
tence with the word toward in it, and
write the sentence on the board"
Horatius went to the blackboard, and
after much scratching of head and fric-
tion of brain printed with the crayon, in
letters that looked like lot of half
feathered Shanghai chickens running
after piece of dough, the following sen.
tence:
81 toward my trousers. "-LeaOiston
Journal.
SADLY DEGENERATED BY CUPID. .
"Rave you noticed how Mary D. has
changed of late ?" asked stately
beauty, caressing diminutive black
and tan, whose collar was ornamented
with silver bells.
"What's the matter with her?" was
the query.
"Why, you know she was married
last week, and her maid informs me that
she has not fed her dog once since her
marriage; has scarcely noticed him, in
fact She actually seems to prefer the
society of her husband"
ExcIamations of astonishment.
NOT CLOSING.
Mrs. Jones-"You say your husband
must be influenced by his friends and
companions when he drinks. I saw him
.uGO d br OOh dlOAC UO-OttJs Ahtlt
looks as if his drinking was voluntary"
Mrs. Smith-"I can give you piece
of stranger news than that. saw your
husband come out of saloon to-day"
"What is there surprising in that?"
Surprising Why, my dear, the
saloon wasn't closing up" - Boston
Courier.
SURE SIGN SOMEBODY'S SAYING.
Little DolIie-Didn't your nose itch
this morning, Mr.. Wimps?
Wimps, who has called to spend the
evening with Dollie's sister-No, child;
bless me, why?
Little Dollie-Because ma says when
your nose itches somebody is talking
about you, and ma and sister Lii were
talking awfully about you this forenoon.
',Chicago Telegram.
KINDNESS IN THE EXTREME.
"Well, deacon, have you remembered
the Door during this cold weather ?"