River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1885-06-11
For This are We Doctors.

all. have dull pain in my head near
i ly all the time, and pressed feeling in
my chest; my food distresses me; I'm
/ low-spirted, tired and languid. In
short, I'm completely broken up. I'm
very careful about eating, and though ]
eat graham bread exclusively, 1 have
an uncomfortable feeling here IN the
chest after every meal"
Doctor-"Ah l suspected as much.
My dear sir, don't you know that
graham bread is the very worst thing
you can put into your stomach? ?"
Patient Why, doctor, I always
thought"
I Doctor-"Of course you did, and sc
do thousands of other people; but new
ertheIess it's bad for you. How can any
man, no matter how we'll he may be, di'
gest good shavings? And that's what
graham bread is-a good part of it.
No YOU can't digest it, and it lies in your
stomach, where it irritates and causes
everything you eat to ferment and
evolve gas which causes that pressed
feeling in your chest"
Patient-"But what must / eat?"
Doctor White bread is good enough
for me, and it's good enough for you.
In fact, it's just what you need. What
do you drink with your meals ?"
Patient used to drink tea and
coffee, but thought they hurt me, and
now l drink water exclusively"
/ Doctor-"No wonder you don't feel
we'll Do you know, sir, that there is
nothing so hurtful to health as this ev-
erlasting drinking of cold water? Why,
sir, it congeals the fat about the stom-
ach, retarding digesting and impov-
erishing the blood. You'll have
to stop that right off A little warm
tea or coffee won't hurt you hundredth
part as much as a goblet of ice water.
On the contrary, it supplies just the
needed stimulus, and aids in the assimi-
lation of food. You're teetotaler, |
suppose?"
Patient Well yes; that is to say"
Doctor-"I understand. You are con-
scientiously averse to drinking; but if il
was essential to your health you wouldn't
offer any foolish obiections?"
Patient-"No, | don't suppose ]
should, if it were really necessary"
Doctor Well, | want you to get
some pure whisky, and drink a Wine
glassful, say, four times day, be-
fore meals and upon retiring. If you
have that dull feeling at any other time,
you can take dose; it won't hurt you,
never fear"
How about my smoking
Must quit that?"
Doctor "No, indeed 1t aids digestion
and soothes the nerves. Smoke all you
want to- You don't need any medicine.
Leave off your graham bread and cold
water, and that, with the whisky, will
fetch you round all right. Come and see
me again in a week"
Patient How much doctor? might
as well pay you as l go along"
Doctor-"Five dollars, please. Thank
you"
Patient Good day, DOCTOR"
Doctor Good day, sir. +"
Patient (soliloquizing as he walks
away)-"Dr. Smart is sensible man, a
very sensible man. He understands my
symptoms exactly. He talks like man
who knows his business.
II
Doctor "Ah, Mr.. Brown, how d ye
do? Not sick, hope2"
Patient-"W Well, no, not sick exactly
but | don't feel just right. Food dis
tresses fle, you know; troubled with q
dull pain in my head and Il pressed
feeling in my chest; am tired, languid
and low-spirited."
Doctor I'm afraid you eat too much
white bread"
Patient Why, isn't that good fol
me?"
Doetor-"No, indeed; worse thing
You can eat"
Patient but what shall 1 eat
They say graham bread isn't so whole
some as it has been cracked up to be.
Doctor Nonsense! An old woman's
notion; nothing else, l assure you,
White bread contains starch, but il
hasn't any gluten and gluten, you know
one must have it if he would be we'll
Graham flour contains both starch an6
gluten 1t Is perfect food, and It'll
Just what you require.
Patient BAT they say it is the greater
part woody fibre
Doctor All the woody fibre you'll
find in graham flour wouldn't hurt {
flea. Leave of your white bread and
eat nothing but graham. That's the
first thing. Now, what do you drink ?
Patient-"Tea and coffee"
Doctor No wonder you are bilious
I shall ask you to give up your tea anC
coffee and take water instead.
Patient But / always supposed that
cold drink"
Doctor Another fallacy Water is
Natures own beverage Who evel
heard of an animal suffering from bill
BUSINESS? You nev, drink any alcoholic
stimulants, ell ?"
Patient Never drank a drop Of
spirit in my life. Don't believe in it,
sir"
Doctor Glad to hear that Al
1 cohol is virulent poison, and half q
the people who come to me are so i'm
| pregnated with it that 1t is almost i'm
possible to do anything for them.
can help them, but that's all. When {
drinking man comes to me, / make hin
/ forsake his cups before I'll undertake his
case. Better a man should die in hls
right mind, you know. than live a CEN
fury half fuddled. Ha, ha, hal"
Patient-"H He, he, hel Just so, doc
tor, just SO"
Doctor-"I take it you don't use to-
bacco?"
Patient-"No, sir, and wouldn't tc
save my life.
Doctor-"It does me good to heal
Won say that. Tobacco never did any
| body any good, and its responsible fol-
/ half the Ills that flesh is heir to. Now
| | want you to take this holding mp {
/ bottle three times day before eating
I and one of these powders on arising anc
upon going to bed, and one in the fore
noon and one IN the afternoon. Come
and see me again in a day or two"
Patient What's your charge, doc
/ tor?p
/ Doctor-"Five dollars just til,
change thanks"
Patient Good day, doctor"
/ Doctor Good dav, Mr. Brown"
Patient Ito himself, outside) Doc
I tor Smart is sensible man, very sen
/ sible man. He understands my svmp
/ toms like man who knows his bust
/ ness"
A Sip of Sap.
/ From the Madison Wisconsin.
/ The Oshkosh Northwestern tells o