The Abilene reflector. [volume] (Abilene, Kan.) 1883-1888, 1885-03-19
CUPID IN DAKOTA.
The Worlds Womanless yonderland-A
Scrced from the Wild Boanerges of the
Yellowstone.


older he grows the crankier he gets.
He is bigger fool-maker to-day than
he was four thousand years ago, when
he induced Colonel Samson, the great
original lion-tail-twister and Congress
ional- jaw-bone swinger, to lay his wool
and his glory in the lap of half negro,
Delilah. He is more resistless moral
tangIer and commOn-sense-smashe in
this 1O9th year of Yankee Doodle thar
when he made the Psalmist David
Mormon and an assassin. He is q more
egregious ninny-breeder now than when
ne led all Homer's heroes on that wild
Grecian bender after the Sarah Bern
hardt of the Trojan era. He is more
ineffable idiot-manufacturer this mo-
ment than when. twenty centuries agone,
he wheedled Mark Antony-the anceS-
tor of Susan B., who spells it with an
s'h''-into casting aside the sceptre OF
the world for nappy-pated Egyptian
mulattreSs. He is more uncOnsclona-
BILE heather amid all our nineteenth
century blaze of Gospel light and liberty
than when he and his scanty-skirted
mamma, Mrs. Venus, led the pagan or
gies of Athena damsels beneath the
Shade of ancient olive groves. He is
creations marplot, dignity's dethroner,
reasons upsetter and Scofer.
Fang of hydrophobic cur never
punched as many madcap fancies into
its victims body as the slightest Craze
of one of his tiny molasses candy shafts.
Aged Senators, slightly stricken, oil
their rusty joints and caper around in
fantile Treasury clerkesses, like hand
organ monkeys with ringworms on their
Darwinian combinations. Old women,
toothless and shriveled, touched by the
pest;ferOus little archer who turks in
rosebuds and cabbage heads, plaster
their graveyard countenances with
enamels and paints enough to gorge
camp of KickapOo squaws, swing gawds
and gewgaws to every available pro-
tuberance. pile on sweet-sixteen toggery,
and smirk and giggle in a style that
would drive whole bedlam of ordi-
nary lunatics to suicide. Seventy-year-
old Christiancys 60 spoOneying after
s;xteen-yearling girl clerks; antiquated
Major-GenerM Harneys. after escaping
cannon, musketry, bombs, and scalping
knives for century or more, tumbled
before the smiles and wileS of buxom
petticoated private secretaries; queenly
Widow Hickses tiirt with octogenarian
O'ConOrs. and elope with antediluvian
Tom Lords; and she Methuselahs, like
Burde:te- CouttS, surrender $685. a
year for the pleasure of calling 4 lacka-
daisical lily-boy Bartlett hubby"
The bigger the folly the surer the
stroke. No man was ever truly in love
who did not make D JOYOUS ass of him.
self, aad the huger the ears the purer
the flame No woman ever loved who
was not prepared to discount a whole
assilly-um OF man-iacs at a moments
notice. No freak is too wild, NO vagary
too monstrous. Eagles mate with
moles. and swans with hedge-hogs.
Tom Thumbs pine for she Goliaths; sons
Of Anak wed human humming- birds;
mighty Drained heroes and statesmen
nave over inane little butterflies, puny
wax dolls, and ta1iy-faced pigmies; kings
EOw down to ballet dancers, and queens
take refuge in the arms of cooks and
coachmen; and, in all lands, and chimes,
in every condition and state, the Cupid
wounded gosling and goslingess. have
hard road to travel to paradise OF
squash-an imaginary elysium, whose
roses are too often rue.
All masculinity is doomed sooner or
later to be smtten, punctTed, har
pooned; and, sheltered beneath the
mantle or wings-whicheverh he wears
of St. Valentine, | wish to tell all wo-
mankind that nowhere else on earth is
that shifting, puncturing. and harpOOn-
ing so easily done; nowhere else be-
nesth the sapphireau dome of heaven
does Cupid, the Lilliputian gizzard-
piercer, come so near having, like
death, all seasons for his own; nowhere
else in ali the grand rounds, Of the sun
and moon and peeping stars are the
victims so plentiful and soTeadiky catch
able, crazable, and smashable as in the
vast imperial regions of the new North
west, the WomanlesS wonderland OF the
world.
Girls of America, look at Dakota.
With four and half men and boys to
every woman and girl. Thousands of
Young and enterprising men,. bonanza
farmers and miners, raisers OF gold and
golden grain, bankers, merchants,
town-ste proprietOrs, and boomers,
mining engineers and experts. lawyers.
d Ictors, ranchmen, army officers and
millionaire editors, coming Congress
men, Governors. Senator's. and cOnSta
bles of the PROUD sOon-to-be North
western gianteSS of the Union sister,
hood, all dying to be struck with jew
eled shafts, rendering even the misery
of it delicious. Thousands On thousands
of young men of noble heart and brain
and Drawn, too brave and tender and
tine to be wasted, all signing and
and longing to be- heart-Spitted,
gigged like sentimentaE founders
and not one manageable girl to
every haif-hundrcd of them. Nearly
every town IN this greatest and grandest
of the Territories is in, the same de-
plorable fix. counting its girls over
every night a# carefully as Oid-timely
ladies do their chickens or spoons, and
never able, by any arithmetic, to scare
ND more thar one to every fifty fellows.
The whole great American Northwest
groans under the woes Of q similar des-
titution. Think of single missionars
in ManitobH, two or three years agCs
with eight hundred bachelors under his
charge, and not one weddable girl Sr
gushing widow
Girls oS the wOndn-t=owded, odd
maid-accEmulating older States, he's is
the field lpr you; he9e Won are needtd;
here yoE are at premium; here yea are
sure of q dozen husbands apiece, Il You