Morris tribune., 1885-04-15
WIT AND HUNIOR.

Before the wedding-Wooed and
won. Five years after-Wooden one.
-New York Journal.
Holland is increasing its number of
wind-mills by two per day. 1t will be
a great place if the wind holds out
NeD orleans Picaymne.
Holland has 10000 windmills. Du-
ring presidential campaign America
can see Holland and 60 her about
10000 windmills better.
We don't know why the god of mar
riage is called Hymen, Julia, unless it
is because the groom is generally a
very "short" man after his marriage.
New York society is preparing for
another war between the rich families
whose fathers began life as peddlers,
and those whose grandfathers did
Philadelphia call.
Dramatic views: "Your son is an
actor, you say, Mr.. Maginnisp' "Faith
he is. :" "Where does he act?" ''Down
the Bowery." "And what roles does
he play?'' "Rolls, is it! Faith, he
rolls up the curtain. "-Rambler.
"Why did you strike that boy, my
SOM" asked father. "Cause he said
1 stole his top" "And you struck hfm
to prove to him that you did not take
it, ehP" "No, sir, cause 1 did take it,
but can whip any boy that says so. -
ArkanSaW Traveler.
A father-in-law at a wedding at
tempted to chaff the groom: 81 hope
now, sir, that you will not get into any
more scrapes." "No," said the new
son-in-law, II shall not have chance;
l shall never get out of this one. -
Providence NeaOS.
Terrified City Milkman (filling his
can at the pump)-"Great Scott!
What's that? Mary bring the gun
quick, there's wild beast in the yard. "
Mary (who was once in the country)-.-
"Whv, you old fool, that's cow!"
T. G.. Milkman-''You don't say so. y
Pack.
"Say, ma, seen a niger put seven
eggs in his mouth all at once, SAID
Johnny Quarle as he came in from his
supper. "Humph, that's nothing; your
father put that butcher shop and a
horse and wagon into HIS" tartly re-
piled Mrs. Quarle. Whisky was the
| ruination of the old man.
There is tendency to refine on
phrases that convey to the mindrepug-
nant ideas. Hence our friends don't
die; "they have entered into rest" In
asmuch as the condition of the depart
ed is somewhat problematical, how
wonld it be to substitute the following:
| "Withdrawn from circulation. '-Bos-
| ton Post.
"How much did Mr.. Smith give you
at his wedding?' asked a minister
| wife of her husband. ''Two dollars.
"Well, that's very insignificant sum
for a rich man like Mr.. Smith to pay
| for such a service" ''It does seem q
small amount" he replied, "but you
must remember that he has been mar
| ried before. ."-Nea0 York Sun.
A mother in New York City whose
little son had fallen from the roof o
| her dwelling and caug ght on telegraph
wire, whence he was rescued by Oar
inc descent of another lad upon fire
escape, spanked her son and gave hi!
rescuer 10 cents. Whatever may bt
said of the latter act, the former show
ed wisdom beyond that OF the presen
age.
A sharp trick was played upon
Lambertville citizen few days ago
He gave a tramp a,pair of old panta
looms and was surprised shortly after
wards by a chap returning and givlnG
him five dollar note, which he said n
had found in one OF the pockets. 81
pleased was the citizen with the tramp
| honesty that he presented him with :;
silver dollar, but imagine his rage upol
discovering shortly afterwards that th'
bill was counterfeit. Trenton 1TM
american.
Two middle-aged women, who hat
not seen each other for years, met tn
other day in City-Hall Park. and EN-
braced effusively. After they had re
covered their breath one asked: CAR
YOU married." "Oh, yes, and hav
five children-my husband is a brick.
carrier in West Twenty-third street.
care YOU married?' "Yes, indeed
"And your husband?" ''He is brick.
carrier, too" "Where does he carry?''
'In his hat"
A tramp applied to an Elizabeth, IN.
J. woman for food one day last week,
and she scolded him saying: "Why
don't you come at decent time-right
after dinner or breakfast-not in the
middle of the morning?" He said: 81
hain't got no watch" in such a piteous
manner, that she relented and went to
the kitchen to get him something.
Meanwhile her reproof sunk deep into
his heart, and, to guard against max
ing such a mistake in the future, he
| walked into the parlor and carried off
the handsome mantel clock.
excuse me, madam said a gentle
man politely to lady from whose head
he had accidently pulled false switch
in a crowded car. "I've seen enough
of you to convince me that you are no
gentleman" exclaimed the confused
woman ssAnd l." returned the suave
man, handing back the lost switch,
shave seen enough of you to convince
me that you are no gentleman either. "
"Pat, have you any prairies in Ire
land like we have in Illinois?" "To be
shure we have. Didn't yez iver hear of
1lppGTdFF! -IOfthefo otttceoHe'"e'
"The Stevens County Abstract and
Real Estate Agency" of Morris, MINI.
represents the Best FireLife and Storm
Insurance Companies intheworld. Call
on them and get your life and property
insured by one of their companies.
They are the best Office over Rohnes
drug store.
Truth is mighty and must prevail.
So. also must Mishler's Herb Bitters
prevail of all forms of kidney and liv-
er diseases. Dyspepsia and indiges-
tion likewise yield to the magic of it's
power. Kead what Millard Mosier,o of
Barclay street, New York, says: AT
ter suffering torments from dyspepsia
and indigestion 1 found n complete
cure in your remedy. My wife was al