News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-09-10
TERMS S1.50..
HE RECOGNIZED THE IMMENSELY.

HE RECOGNIZED THE IMMENSELY.
Enraptured Young Woman, gazing
upward Ito the newspaper man)-What
wonderful thing is spacel Do you
ever contemplate its immensity2
Young Newspaper Man-Indeed do.
have column of it to fill every day
NJ 7. Times.
wELL-EARNED APPELLATIoN.
eyes" SAID a Western tragedian.
GIVE been on the stage good many
years"
'Have you ever played Hamlet2" hs
was asked.
'Played Hamlet!" he exclaimed.
stWhy, l have played Hamlet so many
times, and have so thoroughly identi-
fed myself with the character, that all
my friends and acquaintances speak of
me as Ham"
THE EYE.
Examiner-What is the color of this
fagf
Engineer-Green Sir.
'Right. Now close your left eye.
What is the color of this fiag"
'tGreen, sir. Dark green"
Just SO. Shut your right eye. What
flag am I.waving now?"
IA black one, sir"
''Nonsense. It's bright red. And
this fiag9"
'Black, sir"
'Pshawl It's white. Your left eye
seems little off,"
"Well, maybe it is. 1t is glass eye
sir. Philadelphia CAL.
DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
The widow Flapjack has inaugurated
some reforms in her boarding house.
One of them is to dispense with napkins.
She abolished table-cloths some time
ago.
"What's the reason I don't get any
napkin to-day l' asked the indignant
boarder, as he fshed drowned fly out
of his soup.
because you wiped the knives and
forks and your hands on the napkins,
and that made them dirty right off.
When you learn manners then perhaps,
pll put napkins on the table," replied
the widow.-TerGs Sitti7ags.
PUT IT ON The SLATE.
A little boy was trudging along the
street with slate under his arm when
an old lady stopped him and said
kindly:
"That is right my little boy. love
to see little boys who are anxious to
learn and are fond of going to school.
Here is a nickle for you"
''Thank you num-" said the little
boy.
''Been buying new slate see."
eyes mum; its for me fadder."
'For your father2"
"Yes, mum; he keeps a saloon on
Second avener. "-Neao York Sun.
ON THE WRONG TACK.
With her thumb on black headed tack,
With hammer appraised in her hand,
Taking aim to obtain good whack,
woman sits smiling and bland;
A woman sits smiling and bland,
| Sits on the half-carpeted hoor,
Where tacks lie like shells on the stand,
Unnumbered and thirsty for gore.
With yell that might make negroes pale,
| With a leap which goat can't surpass,
With a mangled and bleeding thumb-nan
She falls in a chair, a limp mass
| And groans till the pain hees away
beautiful emblem, alas ]
OF energy sadly astray.
DAsHEs.
A LITTLE girl described nervousness
as Just being in hurry all over"
THE general verdict Fast men are
slaw pay, and ''short" men contract long
debts.
oil Rnnd1nQr
barber on social level with himself, yet
he is angry if his barber cuts him.
LIGHTNING wrenched cornet from a
mans hands during recent storm in
Lancaster, Pa. A good joke, by thun-
| der.
A GEORGIA young man goes to see his
sweetheart so often that her fathers
dog has quit home and taken up with
him.
THE pessimist exclaims 'sPray tell
what earthly good are flies ?" The op-
timist responds ''To put in buckle
berry pies"
WHAT an idiot man isl He'll sit for
hours in the shade in his office without
vest or coat on, and when he gets up to
90 in the hot sun he dresses up warm In
both.
LADY caller-'I much prefer colored
servants to white ones, don't you, Mrs.
Bq" Mrs, B.-''Well, really, Mrs. H.,
IT depend upon the color, you know. !
can't endure green ones"
THE newest French absurdity in the
millinery line is bonnet trimmed with
asses ears. When girl puts on one Of
them and walks out with dude, 1t Will
look like well-matched team.
NATURAL husband Gokingly)-"Oh,
Pm the mainstay of the family" Wife
-"Yes, and the jibboom, and the-and
the" Small boy Qrom experience
'And the spanker, too, mamma"
"BA1L me out, said an inebriate, a.
he stood the station the other even
ing. ''Well, said bystander, ''you
had better wait till morning, for in YOU
present condition you couldn't bt
pumped out, much less bailed."
THE Reverend Phillips Brooks recent
lv spoke for half an hour at the rate Of
2i3 words per minute, which proves
conclusively that there is nothing wo
: man can do which man cannot do jus
as well or better.-L0a0et Citizen.
A POLITICIAN having departed thi
life, his mourning wife visited noteC
spiritualist and queried, els my HUSBAND
happy?" eyes" )" was the prompt reply
che has everything his heart desires.
''Thank heaven" says the good wife