Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-11-11
Bill Nye on the Earth.

l regret to say, modestly desire to own
and control, forgetting that the earth
is the Lords, and the fullness thereof
Some men do not care who owns the
earth so long as they get the fullness.
The earth is 500,000,OO0 years Of
ago, according to Prof. Proctor, but
she doesn't look it to me. The duke
of Argyll maintains that she is but
100000 years old last August, but
what does an ordinary duke know
about these thingsi So far as l am
concerned l will put Proctor's mem
ory against that of any low-priced
duke that | ever seen.
Newton claimed that the earth
would gradually dry up and become
porous, and that water would at last
become a curiosity. Many believe
this and are rapidly preparing their
systems by rigid course of treat
ment, so that they can live for years
without the use of water internally
or externally.
Other scientists who have set up
nights to monkey with the solar
system, and thereby shattered their
nervous systems, claim that tho earth
is getting very top-heavy at the north
pole, and that one of these days while
we are thinking of something else,
the great weight of accumulated ice,
snow and vast accumulation of Sec
ond-hand arctic relief expeditions,
will jerk the earth out of its present
position with so much spontaniety,
and in such an extremely forthwith
manner, that many people will be per-
manently strabismussed and much
bric-a-brac will be for sale at great
sacrifice. This may or may not be
true. 1 have not been up in the Arc
tic regions to investigate its truth or
falsity, though there seems to be a
growing sentiment throughout the
country in favor of my going. A
great many people during the last
year have written me and given me
their consent.
If 1 could take about twenty good
picked men and 60 up there for the
summer instead of bringing back
twenty picked men l wouldn't mind
the trip, and l feel that we really
ought to have larger colony on ice
in that region than we now have.
The earth is composed of land and
water. Some of the water has large
chunks of ice in it. The earth re.
wolves around its own axle once in
twenty-four hours, thought it seems to
revolve faster than that and to wobble
good deal during the holidays.
Nothing tickles the earth more than
to confuse man when he is coming
home late at night, and then to rise
up suddenly and hit him in the back
with town lot. People who think
there is no fun nor relaxation among
the heavenly bodies certainly have
not studied their habits. Even the
moon is humorist.
A friend Of mine who was return
ing late at night from regular meet
ing of the society for the Ameliora-
ton of the Hot Scotch, said that the
earth rose up suddenly in front of
him and hit him with right of way,
and as he was about to rise up again
he was stunned by terrific blow be-
tween the shoulder blades with an old
land grant that he thought had lapsed
years ago. When he staggered to his
feet he found that the moon, in order
to add to his confusion, had gone
down in front of him and risen again
behind him, with her thumb on her
nose.
So l say, without fear of successful
contradiction, that if you do not think
that planets and orbs and one thing
and another have fun on the quiet,
you are grossly ignorant of their
habits.
The earth is about half way be-
tween Mercury and Saturn in the
matter of density, Mercury is of
about the specific gravity of iron,
while that of Saturn corresponds with
cork in the matter of density and
specific gravity. The earth. of course,
does not compare with Mercury in
the matter of solidity, yet it is AMPLY
firm for all practical purposes A
negro who fell out of the twelve. story
building while trying to clean the up.
per window by drinking qu art Of
alcohol and then breathing bard IN the
glass, says that he regards the earth
as perfectly solid and safe to do bust.
ness on for years to come. He claims
that those who maintain that the
earth's crust is only $500 miles in
thickness have not thoroughly te sted
the matter by system of practical
experiments.
The poles Of the earth are purely
imaginary. I hate TO print this state.