Daily Republican. [volume] ([Wilmington, Del.]) 1874-1890, 1885-09-02
MIRTH AND MERKIMENT

a." euh b''eo rs ibuss
IMIRTH AND MERKIMENT
Mother" said little Ned one morn
ing, after having fallen ont Of bed,
think l know why fell out of bed last
night. 1t was because slept too near
where i got in" Musing q little
while, as If In doubt whether he had
given the right explanation, he added;
Ne, that wasn't the reason; it was
h"""nse slept too near where | tell
out"
| The worst Is over" said the doctor,
putting his watch in his pocket aud
preparing TO leave the room. No, it
isn't" suddenly came from the emac.
lated patient. opening his eyes and
raising himseif ON his pillow. Why,
what do you mean?" exclaimed the
surpr sed physif ian. "Why, l mean
that the worst won't be over UNI til get
your bill settled"
A bashful young man who was afraid
to propose TO his sweetheart, induced
her TO fire at him with pistol, which
he assured her waa only loaded with
! pc wder I; and after she had done so, tell
down and pretended 10 be dead. She
threw herself wildly upon the body,
CALLED him her darling and her below
oil whereupon he got up and married
her.
Lankson who looks older that he is) ::
=" by the way, Plumpton. there 10 about
a years difference in cur ages, liant
there ?" Plumptou (who looks
younger than he is): " A year Why,
when was little boy, and you used
to pass our house, remember my
father saying There goes old Lank-
son ="
When" asked a superintendent,
fixing his eye on the teacher OF young
ladies clsss-' hen does man keen y
real ze his insignifcance?" And the
altar only two short weeks ago, blushed
lpainfu ly and said, with fsltering voice.
When he's being married"
Discussing Dentists: 81 tell you
he 10 the most expert man in the pro
fession-you haven't time TO howl be.
tore the tooth i, OUT Oh, that;
nothing to my dentist. He's quite as
Iquick, aud the operation IL 30 painless
tooth yon have to thank him and cry
Encorel'"
You have no ruine, no natural curl
osities In 'his county," said well
known esthetic lecturer to an American
lady at q reception In Philadelphia the
other week. No." replied The quick.
witted lady !" hut onr ruins will come
soon enough. and. as to our curiosities
we import them"
i An old lawyer, N examining q wit
ness " o had been in the army. said
=" Come, soldier, tell us what you know
of this matter" am no soldier
am an offlcer," haughtily replied the
witness ~hereupon the old lawyer
said calmly : =. Well, then, officer who
is no solder. tell MS what you know
A boy was asked which was the
Rr,.ter evil, Lui.ing anotber's feelings
or bis finger. 1.-THE feelings" he said
Right, my dear child" said the graft
fed questioner and why is it worse
3 TO hurt the feelings" Because 20,
can tie q rag round them," answered
the child.
"Idou't like these Shoes" said lad,
customer, " because the soles aro to-
thick" Ia that the only otjectioL?'
blandly asked The shopk Yes,
was the reply. ' Then, madam, II yol
take the shoes, | can assure you tina
/, objection will gradually wear away"
Priest Tell me, Murphy, how cam
Iyou by that black eye? Were 20
lighting, eh?" Murphy: well, In
q dade, won't decaive yer rivecence
but sure, if yer reverence only see
Mick's eye, now, throtb you'd say ther
:, was nothing wrong with mine at all, q
d ALL"
"And 80 your daughter il at school
How does she get on" "Splendidly
she Is studying allthe higher branches.
IS els she studying the languages?
J. l"Oh, YES, she has nearly completed til
~ LANGUAGE of flowers, and is now engage
In the language of perfumes.
IL A man who has just produced boo
% OF poems met Jones lately, and this wa
I. the conversation they had Did 20
:, read my hook?" "Oh, yes, | read 1t!
vi How did you like it?" my dss
l. sir, / assure YOU that | laid it asid
with a great deal of pleasure.
Mr. Smith Ito Mrs. Parvenu, WI
has bs.n telling him about her ne
honr+): ~ sunDose you will bav
ldumb-waiters In the house," Mr.
P-:" Nol shan. had do.
cook once, and | vowed then never
have another crippled servant"
A boarding school youth answered
question on paper concerning comDo
objects by declaring that " the dog h;
We tees on his front feet aud four to-
on his hind feet and the COW has l
toes and cannot bark. :"
A young lady, on being asked at
musical examination. What is a
interval 2" judiciously replied "
Iis that space of time allowed for II
lfreshments hetwt on the acts of an 0pel
or the two parts OF concert"
Miss Rosewood (who took part
we amateur theatr!cals) "Oh, 'm
a TIRED | had to stand ali the evening
Miss Sharp who WAS in the audit nce
"My dear you have not had to star
las much AZ we have"
Sceue, a drawing room Furio
father :" Look here, Frederick,i 1T com
a to this. l am to be master In N
house, or are you ." Calm Frederick
af- Well, dou't mind, gnv'por wi
II you like"
Coddlepate used to rave over Nj
Gurligurl's hyacinthine cur(s. Sin
out he has diecne cred that they are f4sten
ON with hairpins he has chosen a NJ
floral emblem, and now calls the
Ter " lie locks.
fer A harmonious color gives n feeii
a of repose in the home" says an
'vo liournal. Therefore, il you have RI
lheaded wife, furnish her house In
same tint