News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-09-03

tu6 JuuS6 1OF Ills support, WHICH, Guo lOI-
lowing conversation took place:
'sHave you ever kept door9" asked
the judge.
''Have you ever seen door kept2"
'sNo, sir"
''Have you ever read treatise ON
doorkeeping2"
'sNo, sir"
"Well," said the judge, 'I think you
unfit for such responsible position, but
If you will get the proper books, and
study and master the art, I will vote for
you next year."
ALL BETS OFF.
A few days ago, after a couple of es-
teemed citizens, who are close neigh
bors, had arranged to pass a few days
with their families at lake in Oakland
county, one of them offered to wager
box of cigars that he would catch the
largest fish. The wager was promptly
taken, and next day one of the gentle
men put in an appearance at fish
stand on the market and said to the
dealer:
''Have you got fresh pickerel weigh
ing about fifteen pounds2"
81 haze, sir"
''Well, want you to put him on ice
and send him to me at - Lake. |
propose to catch him on a hook out
there
every well, sir. think I'll ship the
two together"
''The twol"
eyes, sir. Mr.. - mentioning the
other esteemed citizen) was here an hour
ago and bought one weighing twenty
pounds 1t will take less ice to pack
the two in the same box!"
The fish were paid for but the bet was
declared off.-Detroit Free Press.
HINT TO WIVES.
Wife Cat breakfast table)-What time
was it when you came in last night,
dear
Husband with an aching head well
er, don't know, exactly.
Wife-It must have been o'clock.
Were you detained at the office
Husband-Er-ye
Wife (anxiously)-Tm afraid you are
working too hard, dear. You ought not
to contine yourself so close to business.
am not surprised that you have head
|
really must take better care of yourself.
twenty dollars ?"
Husband-Certainly, with pleasure.
BY THE SEA.
They were seated at Coney Island
overlooking the ocean.
''The sight of the boundless blue
sea-" she said, Clearing upon its mighty
bosom the stately white-winged ships,
freighted with hopes and fears, and
and merchandise, and, alas, ambitions
that will never be realized, always fills
me with wonder and delight, and my
whole being becomes so surcharged with
emotion as to leave no room for aught
| else
''Your order, please" interrupted the
waiter.
''Oh, yes, dozen hard shell CLAIMS,
please and hot sausage. "-Neao York
| Times.
NOT AT HOME.
''Bridget," said the head of the house,
eff any one comes with bill, say that
am not at home"
eyes, Sorr"
! IIcSently luS uOOT Dcll rang.
SIS Mr. Smith in2" asked a gentle
man. II want to pay a bill owe him."
''Phat's that; bill2" inquired Bird
get.
eyes"
''Faith, an Misther Smith is not at
home, Sorr."
THEY WOULD BOTH FEEL BAD.
have felt bad if his little boy George
had told lie about the cherry tree2
Father-Yes. my son.
Little boy-Would you feel bad if l
should tell a lie, father?
Father-Yes, my boy, we would both
| feel bad.
NOTHING BROKEN.
The other day, as an Irish hand ex-
pressman was taking a couple of news
paper type forms to the office where the
| presswork was done, his cart collided
with heavy wagon as he was about to
turn into the alley to get to the press
room, and both forms were dumped out
and knocked into ''pi" quicker than
cross-eyed man could wink
Without another idea as to the ex-
tent of the damage Pat made his way to
the press-room, hunted up the foreman
and said:
''Mr Foirsoythe, would yez lind me
the loan av a booklet or a basket, or
something av that sairt, to pick up the
toypes was after bringin to yea for,
! ye see, as l was comm into the mouth
av the alley beyant, sure SOON bla'gaird
ran into me wild his cart and spilled the
forrems; but, thank God, there's nothing
broke"
When the poor fellow woke up to the
crushing fact that it would break him to
make good the damage, he broke for
parts unknown with dizzy rush Chicago
Ledger.
HE KNEW HER.
''Do you know this woman?" asked a
lawyer of negro who had been sum-
moned to testify before the court.
eyes, sab, l knows her."
''Do you know her Intimately"
''No, sab, kain't say l do"
"How long have you known herr"
"Well, got er 'quainted wild her 'er
short time before l married her."
"She's your wife then. Thought you
did not know her Intimately"
Oats what jackerlated
81 don't understand, then, how she
can be your wife"
"Wall, yer see, sah she longs to der
church, de Singin' S'city, de Sisters O.
de Sacred Broom, de Daughters O. Ham
and two or three other little side shows.
Er oman what is KEEP so busy, sab,
amt got no time to fool er roun' home"
HE DISCOVERED A BARGAIN.
Jeweler-I will let you have the dia-
mond necklace, the watch, and the
bracelets for $S, madam; that is the best
can do
Madam (turning to go)- will speak
to my husband about the matter and let
you know.
Countryman (eagerly)-I say, mister,
Pll take them tnnkets for S.. Here's
your cash.
Jeweler- Hardly, my friend. That
Iady's daughter is to be married to-mor-
row, and she only wants to rent them
for bridal presents.