News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-08-13
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
A FEW OF THE JOKES AND DASHES
FOUND IN OUR EXCHANGES.
Took his Feet Down-It was Only a Hint
How lie Went Courting-The Old, Old
Story = Training the Child An Early
Breakfast, ETC., Etc.

Took his Feet Down-It was Only a Hint
How lie Went Coufting-The Old, Old
Story - Training the Child An Early
Breakfast, ETC., Etc.
A PENSION.
General Black addressed d letter to
Samuel Clements, Elmira, N. Y, pen
sion applicant. 1t went to Samuel L.
Clemens, with q letter by Gen. Hawley,
saying the pension was allowed. Glenn
ems Mark Twain) replied as follows to
Commissioner Black:
DEAR SIR: have not applied for a
pension. have often wanted pension
-often-ever so often-I may say, but
inasmuch as the only military service 1
performed during the war was in the
Confederate army; / have always felt
a ieGcacy about asking YOU for it.
However, since you have suggested the
thing yourself, 1 feel strengthened 1
haven't any very pensionable diseases
myself, but | can furnish substitutes
man who is just simply a chaos, a
museum of all the different kinds of
aches and pains and fractures disloca-
tions and malf6fmati0ns there ale; d
man who would regard "rheumatism,
piles, and sore eyes" as mere recreation
and refreshment after the serious occupa-
tions of his day. If you grant me the
pension, dear sir, please hand it to Gen.
Hawley, United States SENATOR mean,
hand him the certificate, not the money
and he will forward it to ME. You
will observe by his postal card, which l
inc fhot he folr frionIlv int
in the matter. He thinks I've already
got the pension, whereas I've only got
the rheumatism; but didn't want that;
l had that before. I wish it were catch
ing. know man that / would load
up with it pretty early. Lord, but we
all feel that way sometimes. .Pye seen
the day when-but never mind that;
you may be busy; just hand it to Hawley
the certificate, you understand, if not
transferable. Very truly yours.
S. L. CLEMENS.
Known to the police as 'Mark Twain.
FEET DOWN.
"Charles," said sharp-voiced woman
to her husband, ''do you know that you
and / once had a romance in railway
carr"
"Never heard of it." replied Charles
in subdued tone.
81 thought you hadn't, but don't you
remember that it was that pair of slip
pers presented to you seven years ago
last Christmas-the Christmas before we
were married-that led to our union (?
You remember how nicely they fitted,
don't you2 Well, Charles, one day when
we were going to picnic you had your
feet up on seat, and when you wasn't
looking 1 took your measure. But for
that pair of slippers don't believe we'd
ever been married"
A soung, unmarried man sitting near
by Immediately took his feet down from
a seat. Chicago Herald.
FOR THE PIES.
A year or more ago an auctioneer in
this city had for sale a lot of homeopathic
medicines. All these medicines We >
dumped into one pile and dispofed of in
one lot, there being various kinds of
-ns5iciacs in the r.lass. a boarding
house keeper bought the lot, and some
days after the purchase the auctioneer
asked her: ''What did you do with that
homeopathic medicine, Mrs. -?" She
replied: 81 Thought 1 could use
it, and it was cheap, and so crushed
it under the roller and then filled my
sugar bowls with it. The boarders
seemed to like it, and especially when
powdered over pies. ."-B0stOn Iraoeler.
THE LANTERN.
An old country gentleman returning
home rather late discovered a yokel
with lantern under his kitchen window,
who, when asked his business there,
stated that he had only come accounting.
"Come a-what 2" said the irate gentle
man
.'A-courting Use courting Mary"
It's a lie! What do you want a Ian
tern for l never used one when was
a young man."
"No, SIR" was the yokel's reply; 81
didn't think yer 'ad, Judging by the
misses. ."-Eidiaasapolis Neps
THE OLD, OLD STORY.
The witness swore that the shooting
was entirely unprovoked. Captain
Wallingford, he said, ''was sitting on
cracker box, near the door. He just
raised his head, and said: when our
regiment was ordered to charge at
fredericksburg, was in COM and
the prisoner sprang to his feet and shot
him without word" When the wit
ness reached this point the jury rose to
its feet, shook hands with itself and
shouted 'Good boy," as one man, and
adding "Verdict of aequittal," left the
court room in body.-BURDETTE
BAD CASE.
Ten-year-old Sidney came home from
a Juvenile party the other evening, and
his mother noticing an unusual air of sad
thoughtfulness about him, asked If 'he
hadn't had good time. :"
"Oh, yes, "he answered; but, mother,
know all about it now. know just
how it seems, and somehow or other it
makes me feel bad"
'Why, what is the matter, my boy?
What has happened (anxiously) 'to make
you feel bad2'
"Well, rll tell you, mother: rm-Im
mashed. ."-Harper's Bazar.
sTRAININa IT.
ooh, yes" exclaimed South Side
little girl, visiting her aunt near Lincoln
Park, "we've got wire strains in our
windows, too"
screens, you mean, don't you EN-
maj"
ssNo, mean strains. guess I know
what I'm talking about"
"Well, what are your strains used
for2"
"To strain the air, of course Glib
cago Herald.
ALMOST A HINT.
A little boy was told that he must
never ask for anything at the table, as it
was not good manners to do so. The
consequence was that he was frequently
overlooked.
One day his father said:
Johnny, get me clean plate for my
lettuce
''Take mine, pa; it's clean," and he
added, with sigh: "There hasn't been
anything put on it yet. ."-7ecGs Sytings.
THE TRAINING OF CHILDREN.
''Fanny, you should not beat your
doll with that heavy stick. You will
make all the sawdust come out of it, p"
said Texas mother to her little girl,
who had placed her doll on the ground,
and was belaboring it with base ball
bat.
'I don't care if all the sawdust does
oo,,1o ont nf har ran1iaI Eappu.