The Evening critic. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1881-1885, 1885-01-21


The establishment of public baths in
this city has been suggested by several
parties recently. A CRITIC reporter met
Colonel John A. Joyce, tho classic poet of
Georgetown Heights, this morning and
asked him what he thought of the
scheme.
81 think" said the Colonel, "the baths
arc badly needed. The Romans in order
to preserve the purity Of their people.
erected the marble baths of Caricalla.
The Washington baths might be dedicated
to the special use of cleansing tho politi-
clans, and the Augean stables Of in
trenched arrogance.
There are a number OF institutions that
might discard load Of accumulated real
estate without injuring the market value
of the genuine article. The tripartite
Commissioners might take bath and arise
from the crystal pool, leaving but one head
TO take care Of the virtue Of the District Of
Columbia. The Police Department. might
without any strain to common sense or the
Constitution wash off the lazaroni that
cling to its skirts and bring disrepute on
the fame name of the city.
1.-THE railroad lobby, who are endeavor-
ing to prevent the forfeiture of land grants
of fraudulent railroads, might be held in
the baths sufficient time for strangula-
ton. This would be a great benefit to the
mercantile and commercial community and
assist Mr.. Reagan, of Texas, into crystaliz-
ing into law his Interstate Commerce bill.
The Aqueduct Bridge directors should be
first washed in lethean waters, stepped for
a period in some rural lanyard, scraped,
dried and purified, and then devoted to the
waters of oblivion, where Charon, in ferry
ing them across the River Styx, might ex-
tract the tyrannical tolls that they have
filched from the people.
~ don't think any baths that could be
erected at the Capital could be broad or deep
enough to cleanse the gas company. of the
| iniquities that they intlict on householders.
You might blow out the pipes and test the
| meter and imagine that the inspector was
| about to commit an act Of justice, but you
would find that at the end Of the month
| that your gas bill had been increased aud
your complaint treated with digniied air
| of contempt. There is only one fluid that
| know Of that could efiectually clean the
gas company, and that is bath in a caul'
dron of vitriol. Even then, l think, they
would get away with the vitriol.
"There are a great many gentlemen il
Congress who would be improved by a first
class bath. For instance those who place
imbecile relatives in important positions
who waste paper in introducing bills tina
are never passed, and serve on junketinl
commissions that never accomplish any
thing, and are only organized to prolonl
the rule Of financial tyrants who lord Il
over the people of this Nation. When AFRO
CANT capitalists become alarmed at tn,
stride of the people in securing justice they
Immediately corral a few Senators or Rep
resentatives, who propose commission u
kill the impending law. These capitalists
have their agents in Congress, and while
these men seem to serve the people fol
$1,000 year, they manage, by a manipula
tion in stocks and bonds, to make hun
bred thousand a year through the advice O
their financial masters. They fool mankind
for while, but sooner or later thoy ar
overtaken by justice and relegated to TIN
obscuIity of private life.
But" continued Colonel Joyce, "lsyinl
all satire aside, believe it will redount
to the peace and pleasure of the people o
the District to erect baths for the accom-
mediation of those whose circumstance
cannot provide such luxuries. While vol
and inhabit the gildcd saloons and boudoir
Of wealth and fashion, we might, in tn
fullness Of our hearts aud through the gen
crosby of our bank accounts, devote few
financial crumbs, as taxpayers, to the clean
illness and health of the poor, so that whei
we have departed to the blissful realms o
immortality our memories shall be as fres
as the morning dew and our names shall 6
down the ages in a blaze of living glory.