Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1885-02-07
BRAWLERS In PARADISE.
HoT THE SILTITTON IRuT TRITB TO
BEAT ST PETER.
sudden Appearance of a Motley Crowd who
Proceed TO 1nauguratc Reign of Dis
ordcr-rheir Disgust at the salvation
of the Meek and Lowly.

In one of Max O'Rclrs books on England /
he scores the noisy and disordcrly "Salvation |
Army" with much vigor; and thus dcs- |
crlbes an imaginary scene in Paradise.
wherein they figure as disturbers Of the
peace
(1n fact, blarc of trumpets, of drums OF
cornets or accordeons-a frightful discord-
was heard and the restless crowd hurried
towards the door to invI stigato the CausC Oi
the strange noises, so unusual in this king
dom ofrepoSo and harmony. In the midst
of these newcomers came an excited lady
brandishing her umbrella, Cesticulating
shouting, appearing overcome with indigna-
ton. Saint Peter went through the excited
crowd to meet herr
SAINT PErER-Bc quiet, my children, l
beg of you. And you. madam enter quietly;
we do not allow such hustle here. What do
you wish?
MRs, BrLI--Ah, indeed! You seem to
take a very high hand with me. Who are
YOU here--you, to speak to me in that style"
ST. PErER-I am IT. Peter. And you-
who are yOu'
MRs. B.-wcu if YOU are st. Peter do
you rule here? Do you understand to whom
you are talking at this moment? I am the
marshal of the salvation Army.
ST. PETER-Madsm, speak lower.
Mrs. B.--Six hundred thousand soldiers
are under my command. We will see if I
am not somebody. Did you ever! such re-
ceptiOn to me!
81. PETER-Wiu you listen to mo?
Mrs. B.-I am Cditor-iu-Chiet of the Var
CRY, tho official organ OF the ChOScn---a mil
| lion copies printed every weCk-thrGe hun
| drcd thousand pounds income.
ST. PETER-llave you moment to srare
| that may
MRs. B-Barracks throughout all Eng
land-ailicS in every part Of the world.
ST. PErER-Will You allow me to
Mrs. B.-Who am | indeed You do not
| read the papers here. Who am Turning
| tow1rds her sUitc.) Did you hear that
| Who ami II
ST. PrrEr-But, madam
MRS. B.--Wait a minute. l will present
| my staff You will soon see who I am
| Sallie, speak to tho gentleman.
Sr. PETER-But I am busy. l have not
HAPrY SALLIE-I am the American
druLimor. I save souls by beating the
| drum
MARY AMI am captain Of the fourth
| detachment Let me play you psalm of
my own composition. (Sie puts her cornct
| 10 her uOUth.)
BETsEY-1 sing solos at the Clapton bar
racks. You shall hear me too.
| ST. PETER-TCll me- do you take this holy
! place for a gingerbread fair Well who
has sent mo all these people? Will You shut
| up? 1t is horrible!
MRs. B.-Come, arrange my followers and
| take Us into the SeTaphim's hall.
ST. PErER-My good people, am ready
| to excuse you. You have mistaken your
train; your tickets are for Bediam. Gon
| may withdraw.
Mrs. withdraw! All! if the marshal
were here, no one would speak to us like
that We order you to take us to the places
| which are reserved for us.
ST. PETER--1 do not know YOU.
SUKGE-I am the hallelujah trombone.
ST. PETER-Goodncss This is going to
| commence again. Go to the devil, hallcluiah
| trombone, drummer marshal, captain, soldiers
of fire and blood. Those English drive me
crazy Once more, now, will you clear out ?
Al. 81.
are the chosen behind you whom you pre-
vent from entering Upon my word, those
| English take paradise for British possession.
| (HeTe dctiJhJUi HWStc IS heard the sound
Of hdTpS becomes more diStiHct) Ladies,
| will YOU not move soon and assume a more
| respectful attitude? Here are the blessed
! who wish to pass. (Iice'Uc scruphim, re-
| sPicndent cih hgh ddCduce, prcceded by
TT .E'c' a"d hdJP' !" PoS,slng 6cLore 81 fSfe'
Mrs. B.-WhO are these blessed ones 80
dazzling with light?
st. Peter-They are seraphim with six
wings of the first hierarchy, who have been
here nearly five hundred years; and l can
take this opportunity to say to yOu that those
shining angels have never given the least
trouble. Gentle, quiet
Mrs. B.-What were they on earth? To
what religious sect did they -, long?
81. Peter-They are the Iucas of the old
empire of Peru.
Mrs, B-Barbarans! People who wear
rings in their noses | never should have
expected such an insult
| ST. PETER-MOre virtuOus people never
existed upon tho face Of the earth. Madam
ii Is practical virtue aud rot beautiful theo-
ries that we reward in this place In our
eyes he who has given a glass of water and a
piece of breadtO the poor is worth more than
he who discovers new version of the Holy
Scriptures He who has given with the
right hand without the left knowing it,,
is more valued here than he who blows the
| trumpet and who goes into the thOrOughfares
and the temples to bray and 10 advertise
his virtues But am losing my time in eX-
| planning these things 10 you; you do not
seem TO be in your element here Nt ALL Be
| content that you are not thrown out of the
| window with your trumpet your basS-drums,
| and al your arsenal of war and clatter. You
! should 20 into the garden TO rest from your
fatigues aud mediate upon the indulgence
| Of
| MR.. B.-Well, now, that fills the measure !
A sermon to me (T'o her companions.)
| Come in, my friends, and let US be patient
! The marshal will soon be here. We will
| form committee, and we will inaugurate an
| immense meeting ofall the English residents.
! We will see if it is not possible 10 put the
! keys of Paradise into more suitable hands
| (Xo 81. Pster) Good-by, you saint; we will
meet again.