The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1885-03-18

BEING A WOMAN.
Some of the Trials and Tribulations
That the Fair Sex is Compelled to
be Cheerful Under.

1t is a dreadful bother to be woman
and do the business up in good shape.
Ia the first place you've got to look
well, or else you're nobody. A man may
be ever so homely and still be popular.
Whiskers cover up the most of his face,
and if he has a big mouth nobody
mistrusts it, and if he does wrinkle bad
on his forehead his friends speak of his
many cares and his thoughtful disposi-
ton. and tell each other that his wrin-
kles are lines Of thought. Lines of
thought, indeed, when in all probability
his forehead is wrinkled by the bad
habit he has got of scowlipg at his wife
when the coffee isn't strong enough.
4 woman must always be in good
order. Her hair must always be frizzed
and banged, as fashion demands, and she
must powder if she has shining skin /;
and she must manage to look sweet, no
matter how sour she may feel; her
dress must hang just so, and her lace
must always be spotless, and her boot
buttons always in place, and her finger
nails always clean; and then she musn't t
whistle, nor climb fences, nor stone cats,
nor scold when she's mad.
She can't 90 out alone, because ladies
must be protected; she can't go any
where when it rains, because her hair
won't stay frizzed and she'll get mud on
her petticoats and things; she can't be a
Free Mason, because she would tell
their secrets and everybody would
know all about the goat and gridlron (;
she can't smoke, because at would be
unfeminine; she can't go courting, be-
cause that would not be womanly. Peo-
pie will sigh over her, and wonder why
it is that men don't seem TO take" and
all the old maids and widows smile and
kept quiet. Oh these smiles and these
significant looks! They are ten times
more than open ISLANDERS.
1t is a terrible thing to be an old
maid Everybody knows it is, and the
women who are married to drunken
husbands, and who manage TO quarrel
with them six days out of the seven will
live in agony of spirit over the single
woman and calf her that "poor old
maid"
A woman must marry rich, or she
dosn't marry "well." And to marry
"well'' is the end aud aim of woman's
existence, Judging from the view which
people in general take of this matter.
1t is everybody's business whom wo.
man marries. The whole neighborhood
put their heads together and talk over
the pros and cons, and decide whether
she is good enough for him. (There Is
nothing said about his being enough for
her.) And they critlcise the shape OF
her nose, and relate anecdotes of how
lazy her grandfather was, and how her
Aunt Sally used to sell beans and but
termilk A woman must wear No.
boots on No. feet, and she must man
age to dress well on seventy five cents
week and she mustn't be vain, and she
must he kind to the poor, and she must
go regularly to the sewing society meet
ings, and be ready to dress dolls and
make tides and aprons for church fairs
| She must be a good cook, and she
must be able to ''do up her hus'
bands shirts SO that the Chinese washer
man would groan with envy and
gnash his teeth with the same unholy
passion at sight of them.
She must always have the masculine
buttons of the family sewed on SO they
will never come off while in Use, and
she must keep the family hosiery sc
that nobody would mistrust there were
holes in the stockings Will. they were
on. She must hold herself in constant
readiness to find everything her husband
has lost-and man never knows where
to find anything. He will put his boots
carefully away on the parlor sofa, auc
when he has hunted for them half al
hour he will suddenly appear to his wif'
with a countenance like an avenging
angel and demand "What in thun
der she has done with his boots" Sh,
must shut all the doors after her lore
and master, and likewise the bureal
drawers, for a married man was never
known to shut a drawer. 1t would b'
as unnatural for hen to go in swim
ming for recreation.
She must go to be bed first in ce''
weather, so as to get the bed warm
Her husband if he be wise man, neve
} asks her to do this. Oh no, but he sit
} to ''iust finish this piece in the paper,
and waits till she has go the sheets {
! comfortable temperature. All ther
are a great many tricks in the trade o
living together. A woman is expecte'
to take care of the baby even after tn
) first infautile wonder has multiplie'
into a round half dozen. And if b
doubles up with the collie, or trials o
cutting teeth, or the necessary evils o
mumps and measles and whoop:ng
cough and scarlet-fever and rash an
throat distemper and short sleeves an
bare legs and pins sticking into him an
, too much candy and bad temper, VIII
her husband tells her that he "doe
wish she would try and quiet her baby,
and he says it, too, as if he thought SD
alone was responsible for its being I
existence, and if she was considerable
to blame for it, too.
And when she has the headache ne
) body thinks of minding it-a woman
! always having the headache. And
i she is nervous enough to Ay' nobod
!. shuts the door any quieter, and nobod
0 tucks her on the lounge with shaw
o over her or coddles her to death as
f man has to be coddled under such ci
cumstances.
We might go on indefinitely with I'll
J. troubles of being woman, and
n there is man who thinks woman h;
l. an easy time of it, why just let him pi
/. on pound Of false hair and get insic
5 pair of corsets, and put ON a pul
5 back overskirt, and be woman hin
self and see how he likes it-Lowe
t Times.