Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1885-04-30
Antturans department.
A SKILLFUL PROFESSOR.

am fully persuaded that if chopping wood
were universal rheumatism and dyspepsia
would be unknown"
"Well, what of that ?" asked Mrs. Mayor
huff.
"What of it? Why, shall chop wood,
that's what there is of it,"
Ibid you ever chop wood?"
''Did ever chop wood? Haven't been
editor of the Woodnaan for years? Didn't
my article, How to clear up New Ground,
create q sensation? OF course it did. Jane,
I swear that sometimes believe you are
blind. Did ever chop wood, indeed! |
have just ordered a cord of hard oak wood
and 1 shall chop it myself. Aside from the
healthful exercise, it will save money. L
shall order an ak to be sent up just as soon
as 60 down town."
When the professor returned at dinner
time, he asked if the ak had come.
eyes, it's out there on the porch"
"Well, shall go to work at once"
81 hope so. We are needing some now,
for the weather has turned awful cold"
"Don't fret. You shall have all the wood
you want"
The professor went out and after laboring
three hours, brought in two small sticks
that looked as though they had been gnaw-
ed in two.
''This enough 2"
Enough the mischief! It's not enough
to start fire."
The professor puffed and 'bloWed' awhile,
and then went out again.
Three hours later he came. in again with
two more sticks.
''This do?''
'Of course it won't. Well have snow
before morning."
''Snowv he exclaimed, wiping his reek-
ing brow: ,
ssWell, 1 don't care if it falls fifty feet
deep, am not going to chop any more to-
day. Needn't expect man to Kill himself
Just because we are going to have snow"
Just then rap came at the door.
''Come in," called the professor, too tired
to get up. What have got there?"
'sAx from the hardware store. Made a
mistake before and sent you a grubbing
hoe" ..
Mrs. Mayorhuff shouted and the professor
collapsed.
A CoNGREssMAN's Cow TRADE.-Repre-
sentative O'Neill, of Missouri, is a veritable
son of the soil. Among his constituents he
is granger himself. His district lies in the
upper part of St. Louis, but as it embraces
the bilfy-goat and garden-truck suburbs of
the metropolis of the Mississippi, his con-
stituency is somewhat rural. TO this ele-
ment O'Neill has long been walking ency-
clopedia of information concerning crops
and live stock. During the last campaign,
while visiting, he met one of his farmer con-
stituents, driving COW. He at once began
to air his knowledge of bovine breeds. In
the height of his enthusiasm he offered to
buy the COW. The farmer was not anxious
to sell, but said he would take $50 for her.
'Drive her up to my house." said ONeill,
"and I'll be there to pay you the money"
The farmer regretted that he had consent
ed to part with.his favorite cow, and said ::
"Let me tell you, Mr.. O'Neill, the cow is a
gentle creature and good mixer, but she
has no upper teeth"
''Of course that changes the trade" said
Mr.. O'Neill. "You wouldn't expect me to
take a cow with such defect as that, but
bring me good mixer, with sound upper
teeth, and I'llb buy her."
When the story got out there was great
excitement in the cabbage end of his district.
The grangers swore they wouldn't have q
Congressman who was "blamed fool enough
to believe that cows had upper teeth" AS
result, O'Neill was only reelected by the
skin Of his own upper teeth Washington
Republican.
BOUND TO COLLECT SOMETHING.-Ac A COL
ored man entered a grocery and asked for a
cash contribution noftWenty-fivec of cents toward
the erection Of new cOlOred peoples
church ediice.
"Where is it to be located ?" asked the
grocer.
yet" ..........
"What is it to cost ?''
''Hain't figgered on dat, sah."
"Who is the pastor ?"
"Dun f0rgit; but l reckon we can find
one."
who is the head man of this enter
prise? ?"
"De head man! Wall, lie bout de head
man, reckon"
II am not satisfied with yourexplanation,'
said the grocer. "How can | be certain
that you won't appropriate the money to
your own purposes ?'
Gam dat what bodders you ?"
II confess it is"
"Well, sab, we kin git ober dat purity
easy. Instead of making cash contribu-
tion Just weigh me out two pounds of crack
ers wild instrucshuns to turn 'em ober to de
Buildin' Committee. Ize cheerman OBJ dat
committee if amt nobody else!"
A JOKE ON SM1TH.-A Galveston female
school-teacher was on intimate terms with
the male teacher in the same school. He
was in the habit of strolling into her room
during the recess and chatting with the OBJ
ect of his affections. His name was Smith.
One day the lady teacher endeavored to
make the class comprehend the omnipres-
ence of God. She explained to them that
God was everywhere. "Now, my dear
children, suppose you all 60 out of this
room, except myself and l stay in here.
Am I aoneo" asked the female teacher.
"No," exclaimed one of the little girls !;
'tMr. Smith will be with ."-SJtings.
@ In certain family, which was in
rather poor circumstances, the arrival of a
wealthy aunt was expected. The aforesaid
aunt, by some accident or other, had lost a
portion of her nose. The children were re-
minded frequently not to make any refer
ence whatever to the defective nasal organ.
The wealthy aunt arrived but she had scarce
ly taken off her bonnet when the littlest kid
in the flock exclaimed: "Papa, you told us
not to say anything about aunt's nose. Why,
she hasn't got any nose at all.'
SHE WOULD NOT ACKNOWLEDGE IT
Grandmother: Cpd like to go the rink with
you, Johnny"
Johnny, who don't want to be bothered
with the old lady: "Certainly, grand
mother, I'll be glad to have you go with me,
but YOU will have to own up to the door
keeper that you are over Is years of age"
Grandmother: "Then 1 guess I'll wait
awhile yet, Johnny."-7sras &tfings.
@~"What are the English trying to do
in the Soudan, Jones?" EXTEND civiliza-
tion and freedom, believe" "They are
making a good deal of noise over it, amt
they?'' "rhey have undertaken to carry
out pretty big contract, you know"