The Monitor. [volume] (Woodstown, N.J.) 1884-1892, 1885-03-06

Orleans. Over fifty Thousand tracts and
papers have already been sent for free dis
tribution during the exposition, and money
is solicited to send many more, which are
greatly needed. It is expected that excur-
sion trains will be run from the surround
ing country, and from Mississippi and
Georgia. Let there be a grand rally on
this occasion.
A girl is a Miss until she is married. and
then she is Miss taken: and the fellow who
does it Missus the freedom of his bachelor
hood.
Tom Thumb managed to leave a will dis
posing of SIG, 600. which is a great deal
better than any giant has been able to do
for twenty years past.
Yes, Miss Frost, I always wear gloves
at night. They make ones hands so nice
and SOFT Miss Frost-"Ah, And do
you sleep with your hat on?"
The true use of a porous plaster, accord
ing to a Milwaukee druggist, is ito retain
the back in its proper place. and let the
pain crawl out through the holes.
An old maid in Nashville keeps a parrot
which swears, and a monkey which chews
tobacco. She says, between the two, she
doesn't miss a husband very much.
Lottie was invited with her mamma to a
dinner-party. a gentleman gravely asked
her: Are you a vegetarian ~ No
promptly said Lottie, I'm a Presbyterian.
Several people will be mad to learn that
5000 human beings can stand ON an acre
of ground. Some folks tickle themselves
with the idea that they take up at least
ten square feet.
A fashion paper states that children's
shapes show no change. This will be in
teresting news to parents, as it is expensive
and troublesome to change the shape of a
child every season.
A. young man in 0reville hammered on
a can Of nitro-gIycerine. Then he went
away suddenly, and his parents have con-
cluded to dispense with a funeral until
some of him returns.
Some men must have a quarter Of a COLI
umu to express a welLdefined idea when
writing for a newspaper, but it is astonisli-
ing how concise they can make an adj
vertisement that costs half a dollar a line.
Teacher-Suppose you had two sticks
Of candy. and your big brother gives you
two more. how many would you have
then ~ Little boy Shaking his head
you don't know him; he amt that kind
of a boy"
1t is said that mice are just as much
afraid Of women as women are of mice.
But as their screaming apparatus is not
constructed on the same principle they are
restrained from communicating the INTEL
llgence to the people in the adjacent towns.
What are you slowing mp for?" yelled
a freight conductor to an engineer on one
of our Vermont roads. '1Nhy, we've run
over a book agent 'Drat it all, then,
why don't you keep on We can't kill
him unless the whole train runs over him."
Doctor y said the grateful patient, seiz-
ing the physicians hand, Il shall never for
get that to you l owe my life" You ex-
~aggerate," said the doctor, mildly; you
only " me for fifteen visits. That is the
point which | hope you will not fail to re-
member
Burdette has evidently worked upon a
farm. He remarks: Where the zephyrs
dimple the fields of golden rye, | hear the
song the haryesters are singing, clear and
high. l hear a note that rises above the
reaper's hum. know the drivers tried
to clear the cog-wheel with his thumb"
Great Scott = yelled Gigglesnicker,
angriIy, the other morning, as he yanked
away at the stove wrench. What was
thar wicked swear-word | heard yen say 2"
asked Mrs. Gigglesnieker, from the depth
of the sleeping-room, Il said the CRATES
caught. replied her loving husband, and
winking at the water-tank he gave the
wrench another yank, dumped the CRATE,
and proceeded 20 start the fire.