News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-07-16
TERMS s1.5O.
LOST THEIR HoZzELs.


the whole toe of her stocking out.
My, my" exclaimed the lady, "what
is the matter with your hose 2 Just look
at the toes"
''oh," replied Matte, in complacent
way, sticking out one foot then the |
other, II guess they've lost their nozzles."
KEEPING HER AGE.
Miss Betty was remarkably young
and handsome looking woman for her
years, and she never told any one how
'old she was.
t'Gracioss men Miss Betty" said an
old acquaintance, admiringly, one day,
show well you keep our age"
Thanks" she replied with a smile.
"How do you ever manage to do it p
'Oh, easy enough; ! never give it
away Cincinnati TraUeler.
THE DUDE.
One of the witnesses in the case of the
State vs. Rhodes Danforth said, in Civ
ing his testimony, that Danforth thought
all the girls were 'mashed" on him.
''He's sort of dude, then2" queried
the examining lawyer.
mo, SIR" was the reply; ga dude is
fellow who is mashed on himself"
The aptness of the definition caused a
smile that was almost audible.-AtlaRta |
Constitution.
AN ARCHITECTURAL QUESTION.
Teacher to class in architecture: |
Gentlemen, you have examined the
designs for to-day's lessons 2"
Class-"We have"
Teacher-''Well, then, Mr.. Brown,
will you kindly tell me what the nave
of church is2"
Brown Certainly, sir. 1t is the
Sunday-school superintendent who is
cashier of bank. Pittsburgh Chronicle.
THE FINE POINTS.
De Lancy-"Out at the game to-day ?"
Jolliver-''No; couldn't get off. Was
it any good 2"
De Lancey with enthusiasm) m)-'1
should say SO. Two men were knocked |
down by pitched balls, another was
spiked running to second, and one of
the crowd hit the umpire with brick"
Jolliver (regretfully)-"My, but I'm
sorrow missed it. t."-Philadelphia CaN.
NOT ON THE EXCHANGE LIST.
Physician Ito country editor)-"We
were just discussing, as you came in,
Harvey's discovery of the circulation of
the blood"
Country Editor-'P Probably the press
man gave it away. Where is the Blood |
published 2 l don t know the paper"
Droke's Magazine,
PROVISION.
When Colonel Kennedy went to Jail |
for ten days, for contempt of court, he
asked the jailer:
"What are those long, thick bars for ?"
"Those," said the jailer, "are to keep
the mosquitoes from the boarders.-
Louisville Journal.
IT is ungrammatical to say Of q dun
that he is dude.
oNE-LEaeED man will be
troubled with wet feet.
a SHOEMAKER may die, but he can
never breathe his last.
STRANGE to say, lacquer work keeps
many people busy in Japan.
A MOST unsatisfactory piece of sculp-
ture is the t'bust" of boiler.
A PAINTING is called a rare work some
times because it isn't well done.
TO THE pure all things are pure-ex-
A DETROIT ecclesiastical dude Is
known as the tony pastor of that city.
CARE you warm2" Eyes" ''You
lukewarm. Yes, l might have known"
How SHALL man be good natured
on housekeeping day4" By going a
fishing.
THE extravaganza of home horrors is
best shown when fond mother buys |
$500 piano for S. daughter
WITHIN six months American news
papers have given the British govern
ment advice to run number OF years.
WE would suggest that a good name
for rainy day race horse would be
Stripped Stockings" because they run
so when dampened.
APPLES are getting big enough to twist
a boy of 10 out of bed and halfway
down stairs at every grip, and the op-
portunity should not be lost by single
youth.
To BE a yachtsman one must own
a white flannel suit, some brass buttons,
a white cap with gold braid and an
idea that he owns the earth. 1t is not
necessary to own a yacht.
PROFESSOR PRocToR says that with
out water there can be no volcano"
''That may be (hic) So" said old Beas-
ley; 'and without whisky there (hic)
would be fewer eruptions-at home"
AT what absurd trihes some women
get angry. A female book agent, who
had cornered poor fellow on boat the
other day, got as mad as hornet when
somebody sang out "Man overheard"
A WESTERN baseball pitcher has been
expelled from his club for obtaining
goods for which he had not the money
to pay. 1t is another illustration of the
proverb that the pitcher may be broke
at last.
A VERMONT paper, speaking of the
fashion of making gold badges TO repre-
sent kitchen utensils, asks how gold
gridiron would strike us. Very much
ike an iron one, perhaps, If we didn't
dodge it.
"THE only lady who ever made an
orderly sergeant during the war, says
the Cleveland Platndedler, was Miss
Theresa Kelley" This is libel on the
sex. Many soldiers wife has made an
orderly sergeant.
IT should be remembered to the ever
lasting credit of NebuchadneZzar that
though he cast Shadrach, Meshach, and
Abedneco into the fiery furnace, he dld
not ask them: "Well, is this hot
enough for you"
sNow UNCLE ABE, if you have got
ANYTHING on your heart, any last wish,
sneak OUT said the Rev. Baxter to an
old negro who had only few hours to
live. II aint got no last wish 'cept dat
/ wants ter get well.
uCoME," said the tailor, ''you haven't
naid me for the last suit of clothes
vet and l should like to know the
reason ~ have but one reason" re-
piled Fogg, casting disparaging look
at the suit; 81 don't see fit"
A POSTMASTER out in Indiana has sent
in his resignation, remarkin9 that he
knew he was an offensive partisan, that
he thought it only right that some fellow
ON the other side should have a chance
to make himself offensive, too.
"JoHNNY, it would be good thing
for YOU to remember in life that we
never get anything in this world il we
don't ask for it." eyes, we do, pan'
answered Johnny, promptly; II got a
licking in school to-day, and you can
bet l didn't ask for it.
WOMAN is rapidly trenching upon the
domain of man, and the time will soon
come when she will have monopolized
all the trades, professions and occupa-
tions. When that happy day comes man
| will occupy the proud position OF the