The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-10-23
LYsANDER's WOES.

lYSAN0ER'S WOES.
Men to Social Tranps and shallow-Patss
Ounces.
"Boots are now made to weigh three
pounds each. Young men should think Of
| this when they call on their best girls and
| hear their fathers come down stairs and
| tremble."
At again. Lysander! So when you
call O your best girl and hear her
father como down the back stairs you
tremble.
Well, am not surprised.
Neither is any one else who knows
you. The only wonder Is how you eyer
manage to get into the house.
The young girl evidently il not
thoroughly acquainted with you. or per-
haps she is one of those young and fool
ish maidens who would elope with .
coachman If her father was rich enough
to keep horse. No wonder her father
objects to you calling on her.
Though poor, he is not an idiot,
Lysander, and he has not clothed. fed
and schooled daughter for eighteen
long years to have her wed . shallow.
pated, long eared Ounce IKE yourself.
He works hard for aliving. LYsander.
If you know what that means, and he
finds it difficult enough to support his
family as it is, without adding . hungry,
ill-bred, idle, shiftless. fat-witted l0afer
like yourself to the number.
He labOrs from morning until night,
aud when he sits down to his dinner he
dosen't want to have his intelligence in
suited by hearing your feeble attempts to
paraphrase antediluvian jokes that were
mot6-eaten when Noah built his ark.
OF course. Lysander. you regard the
father of your best girl as your natural
enemy.
He is.
A man doesn't raise daughters 10
throw them away, unless he is q good
Prince in fairy-story. or . Mormon
with more girls than he knows what to
do with.
But, Lysander, let . decent, honest,
Industrious young man, who has some
purpose in life other than becoming the
son-in- law of q wealthy man or q charge
on the county, apply for a girls hand,
Were you ever at the seaside, Ly-
sander?
No.
Not even as . hotel-waiter?
Well, you ought to go there. The salt
water will do you good. Just try it
once, and see how the mothers of young
girls fish for the right kind of young
men.
Did you ever hear Of matchmaking
mammas?
Well. you try reading little, instead
of writing SO much. and perhaps you
will learn something. The average
mother and the average father are on
the lookout for young man who can do
something besides eat and wear out par
lor furniture.
The bulldog is always chained when
that young man calls. The father meets
him at the door and shakes him by the
hand. The mother greets him in the
parlor. and asks why he hasn't called
before. If the young man stays until
midnight, the parents congratulate
themselves; and If he proposes mar
rage, they have q notice of the engage
ment put in the Society Recorder, and
the young lady wears her engagement
ring outside of her glove, and all the
other girls in the neighborhOOd grow
green with cankerous, corrosive envy.
That is the way the eligible young
man is regarded. Lysander. If he
couldn't be caught any other way. Ly-
sander, the father would set out a free
lunch for him. and the mother would
place the spare bedroom at his disposal.
The mistake you make. Lysander. is
in supposing that the father of q mar
riageable young woman wants to have
her marry a man who limits his useful
ness to being able to act as scare-crow
in field of corn.
Such things, though not essential on
q farm, can be hired much cheaper than
they can be married.
Tramps and old clothes are altogether
too cheap in this great country, Lysan-
der. for you to try and enter into com.
petition with them in the matrimonial
way.-Puck.