The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1885-01-24
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

KATE FIELD is still giving the Nor
mons particular fits. Hades hath no
fury like superhuous woman who has
got left Lowell Bell.
Il DON'T care how tamely ball that
give may open," said Mrs Darlington,
IF it only endR fasliionably. You know
that all swell that ends swell. Boston
/ Times.
"WIFE, did you bring your opera
glass with your" "Yes, but [ can't see."
why not?" "Oh, left my diamond
rings at home on the washstand." -
Chicago News.
THE Philadelphia Times has an article
on Elaborate Dog Jewelry." Now,
what is an elaborated dog?" We sup
pose, but don't know, that it is one who
is not curtailed.- Peoria Transcript.
az you are a good little boy where
will you go?" asked the Sunday-school
teacher of the new pupil. @To heaven
! mann" was the reply. "And if you are
bad where will you be sent to?" "To
bed, man,,
TWENTY-FIVE years ago there were
fifty cats where there is only one to-
day, says statistician, and the Philadel-
phia Call adds that twenty-five years
ago there was one set of furs where
there are fifty to-day.
"DoN'T talk to me about Wagner. /
was an intimate friend of Rossini, aud
admire his music above all operas" Il
think William Tell his best work"
DO you know his Barber p" "No; I
always shave myself
A NEBRASKA court has given George
Foxea verdict of 6 cents damages for
being tarred and feathered, He used
over s. worth of soap to get the stuff
off, and can't see where he has made any
money Detroit Free Press.
A JERSEY maiden who had been up
braiding her somewhat dilatory lover
for having omitted to take her to place
of amusement the previous evening, re-
ceived the somewhat incongruous reply !;
IF I'd knowed as you'd want to
went I'd coined and took ye."
LANDLADY-"Did you like the turkey
we had yesterday, Mr.. Smith," Mr.
| Smith-"Did [ like him? Yes, indeed !;
why, 1 loved him I used to think
when ] was little child that perhaps,
after ali should live the longest, and
the thought made me sad."- Boston
Post.
"YEs," said the theatrical manager, Il
have had an application from an Indian
for position in my company, and 1
think I'll engage him" indians can't
act" said the star. What will you do
with him when you get him?" well"
replied the manager, 81 think I'll try
him in Lo comedy Boston Courier
A TEST of true love Gin Germany ::
Lady-So, then out of true love for me,
you are prepared to do anything I ask
you? Without fail, pro-
vided the task is not physically or moral
ly impossible. Lady-Then set out for
America as soon rs you can and don't
come back again for the next thirty
years"
THE other day p precocious young
ster was asked if he was papa's
boy. He answered, "Yes" and are
you mammals boy, too?" yes" replied
Willie. well, how can you be papa s
boy and mammals boy both at the same
timer" "Oh," he replied indifferently,
"can't wagon have two horses?" That
settled the questioner.
BUSINESS has been rather dull in
Texas this year. A Galveston drummer
who had made tour of the state, on
his return to Galveston was asked by
his boss: well, did you get any
orders?" II should smile. ] don't
think / went into single store that
wasn't ordered out by the proprietor
himself" Texas Siftings.
DUMAS, the elder, had an enthusiastic
but expensive cook, whose beef bills
were the delight and despair of his life.
"That was an extraordinary fine roast of
beef we had last night at dinner" be
said one day. what did it COST"
Fifteen france VERY good; it was
excellent; but don't have any more. A
fifteen-franc roast of beef is only seen
at it's best on somebody else's table,
| From the French.
prisoner, f" said Prosecutor Buxton,
"you are charged with gambling" Gam
bling? What is gambling?" Playing
cards for money" but l did not play
cards for money; l played cards for
chips" well, you got money for your
chips at the end of the game, didn't
you?" "No; didn't have any chips at
the end of the game The testimony
being all in, Buxton moved, and Judge
Hutchins agreed that the case be nolled.
i Cleveland Herald.
GEORGE" said the young wife, Il
know what Santa Claus is going to
bring me Christmas" "Do you, love
What is it?" AN elegant sealskin
sacaue, George" "You don't say so.
Well, l am glad to hear it, for it will
save me good deal OF money" And
then she went out into the kitchen and
stepped on the cat and gave the cook q
weeks notice. Boston Post.
A TEXAS doctor. DIR. Blister is one
of those physicians who do not take any
nonsense from their patients. One day
last week he presented his bill to Nose
Schaumburg. zone hundred and fifty
tollarsl" exclaimed Nose. IVY. mine
haf cost me so much as dot. Its not
Gott, two funerals in dot family would not
too late to have funeral in the house
vet" replied Dr. Blister, drawing an
armv-size revolver The physician heels
himself whenever a patient feels dis
posed to settle Texas Siftings.
JUST starting on the wedding trip
Young wife-"I am afraid, dear, that oui
trip to Montreal and Quebec will be
very expensive" Young husband-Nl
NAV be a .rife expensive, but Just think
what delightful time we will have !!
just ending the wedding trip; Young
wife" What delightful time we have
had, dear" Young husband-AYes, we
have had pleasant enough time, but
lust think what an awful expense it has
been n New York Sun,