Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-02-21
WIT AND HUMOit.

Tom Hoods expression 20, it was
pitiful to see whole city full, Is
equivalent to the modern phrase of
painting the town red.
Il wish | were a mufl." said 4 dis
gusted poker-player. why sop in
quired his astonished friend. ''BecauSe
| might have chance of finding a fair
hand once in while. - Bohemian.
1t is said that French invention Tor
reshaping noses has been introduced in
to this country. and is used by many
people who wish to improve that useful
organ. 1t is worn at night, and after
short time will change the shape of the
most stubborn nose.
Say" called the boarder to the
waiter. YES, sill" was the polite an
swer. Has the cook the recipe for
making this pudding?" Yes. sir, ]
think She has well. go out and tell
her to throw it away" Then silence
healed the blows of sound.
Stolid proprietor of German reStau
rant to new waiter-..Dot letter for you.
eh? You was der Baron Won Sckinkel
berg?' New waiter. meekly-''Ies,
Mein Her" Stolid proprietor-..Den
you wasn't no reckular waiter, eh? Veil,
dake dollar a week off your wages. -
Puck.
There is no blank SO blank as the
blank that appears before a Han when
he gets up in public assembly and for
gets what he was going to say-unless
it is the blank which appears before an
amateur in a skating-rink when his legs
begin to spread and he don't know
which one to follow arlington Free
Press.
What name does your husband call
YOU by? said bride to a friend who
had been married several years; does
he call you ducky or lovey?" My
darling calls me ducky.' Does hep
Mine used to call me popsey-wopsey,
but he doesn't Use that term now.
What does he call you, them He
calls me Say. there. ,"
An Arizona editor having got his
rival in Jail for assault and battery, thus
gloats over him: .-Our quondam con-
temporary is living as usual-this time
in Jail We understand that the saloon
keepers are moving heaven and earth
to get him out. As their business has
fallen off since he has been cooped.
When he gets out what a thirst he will
have
A pioneer in the far West had been
following an Indian all day long. and
had shot at the redskin until his ammu-
milton was all gone. When his last bull
let had been fired. the Indian sprang
out of the bushes and rushed at him
tomahawk upraised, 'JewhilikinS, Mr..
Injun. said the white man. dropping
on his knees, you wouldn't kill poor
widower with nine small children. =
Detroit Ereniny NewS.
MY lads" said kind old gentle
man to number of youths who had
Just left beer saloon with cigarettes in
their mouths one Sunday afternoon,
..you are too young to indulge in smok-
ing and drinking. Sooner or later such
habits will prove your ruin. Beware of
leading fast life, my boys. I'VE
don't lead fast lives, one of them re-
piled. I'VE are all district messenger
boys '-NeW York San.
whats this | hear, Jones? They
say your wife has run away and left
YOU Yes, she gave me a terrible
scolding yesterday morning as usual,
and skipped out last night Mercy
on us! Where do you suppose she has
gomez TO England" To En-
gland? What did she 90 there for?"
She has gone to England to blow up
London Bridge. She's worse than dy-
Mantle, tell you; for I've tried both, "
Mary, what does this mean? | find
bill for the use of hose" ''Sure,
marm. a man called to know if You
used hose | told him you did and he
left that bill why did you tell him
we used hose, Mary? We never do
Mary's face showed surprise, distrllst
and reproach: ..Why. we do, marm!'
with vehemence. Hose Mary, we
haven't any" Why. marin. What
does Pat take up the weeds with?'-
Boston Transcript.
Mamma, cried little Freddy as his
mother entered the house, Mrs. smith
has been here, She waited long time" "
'.Did she? and did yDn entertain her,
Preddy?' Il guess so. mamma; t any
rate she laughed lots. .'Yes. What
did you say 10 her?' Lots o things.
She asked me how old was, and when
l told was 8, just the same number of
years you We're older than papa, Iguess
she thought it was real funny. You
oughter heard her laugh. ."-Ne,o York
Star.