The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-03-12
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WIT AND HUMOR.

this coffee" said the boarder, in a judi
cial tone 1.-The good point is that
there is no chicory in it; the bad that
there is no coffee in it.
A household magazine says that''very
nice Goldfish balls are made by cutting
= Goldfish up fine" etc. We supposed
that nice Goldfish balls were made by
cutting piece of liver up fine, etc. 1t
seems like 4 queer notion to put Goldfish
in Goldfish balls. -NOrrisiosen Herald.
An agricultural paper contains an
article entitled ''How TO Preserve
Sheep-Pelts. The recipe may be the
best known. but we shouldn't think
sheep-pelt preserved would be very
pleasant eating. Preserved ounces,
peaches. and plumS are good enough
for u. NogriStorn HcFa|H
A man has just died in New York
who. on his death bed. confessed to
haying murdered an organorinder
twenty wears ago. Why he kept the
matter so long secret it is difficult to
imagine. He wonld have heen presi-
dent if he had made if known. Some
men never know when they are in luck.
Stockhoider in Texas railroad Ito
pr sidpnt nf the same Anything ell
couraeing 10 offer in the way OF pros
pects9 President enthusiastically
Everything, sir. everything. The
future is most promising. | have jnst
borrowed our July interest on uneI-
pectedly favorable terms.-BoSt0n Rec
ord.
He was at breakfast wrestling with a
piece OF remarkably tough veal. His
wife said to him. You always say
~. TO l,s,f mt ftl m
everything. guess you d be troubled
in this instance. Not at ALL" he re-
sponded. stopping to breathe. II was
just thinking how grateful We should
be that we met it when it was young !"
Troy Times.
A physician advises everybody TO
ascertain what diseases have carried Off
his ancestors, with view to guarding
himself; but suppose man finds that
his eat-grandfather was drown
ed al sea, his great-grandfather took
poison, his grandfather was hanged,
and his father was elected Eice-Presi-
dent, what is he going to do ?-BOst0n
Post.
s.How much for candv?" asked a
little boy ..Six sticks for five cents,
eh? Now lem me see; six sticks for
five cents, five for four cents. four for
three cents. three for two cents, two
for one cent, and one for nothing. III
take one stick, mister" He got it, but
the dealer is still in a state of bewilder-
ment and can't see how that can be-
Montreal Witness.
He had been run over in crossing the
streets, and his family surrounded his
bedside ~"Poor Joini' sobbed his
l.
wish to make?'' The man shook his
head. .'My poor husband!'' repeated
his wife. .'IIl see that your grave Is
kept watered." mo you DON'T ex-
claimed the dying man; mo water on
(hic) my grave. '-Sef" lork Graphic.
In q certain town in New Hampshire
minister being on trial for a grave
offence, one of lis brethren was so anx-
ious to clear him that he said to the
Judge, MAY it please Your Honor.
had a dream last night, and saw two
angels who declared the prisoner TO
be not guilty. Very good" returned
the Judge; '.cause them TO appear as
witnesses and I'll swear them. "-Hal,-
peY'S Ea=dr.
One day last week we accompanied
friend to supper at the Barnes House,
and when about to enter the dining
room the old handle who prcsides over
that hostelry objected To onr entering.
and we forgot our religion and smote
him upon the cheek, which resulted in
a case before Justice McAiurry entitled
The State of Texas VS.. Deed II. Meyer.
Jury trial, and fined 81 and costs
Albany (i'er.) Ne'cs.
AT the Unitarian Club, Mr.. Shipper
told story recently related TO him by
Princeton professor, who had Just
come from an evangelical gathering.
4 German guest, who was called up"u
to address the BODY. did not sufficiently
distinguish between the accepted uses
of the words bare and barren, "
and said: 1T gives me great pleasure
TO address these venerable and barren
heads. = Christian ErJister.
A Galveston mendicant was in the
habit of calling al the office of local
lawyer and receiving a small sum on
account OF former acquaintance. Last
week the mendicant called as usual. but
the lawyer said Il can assist you any
longer, as I've got wife now and need
all the money can lay my hands on. >
''Well, now that's just coming it Il
little too strong. Here you actually go
and get married at my expense. -
Ieeas Sytings.
Just listen to this. Martha OK.
claimed Mr.. Jarphly, who was reading
his evening paper. ''One of the dogs
at the London prize show is valued III
$500 Good gracious! That's more
money than | ever expect to he worth
in my zlife!" ''Snme dogs are worth
more than others. jeremiah quietly
remarked Mrs. JarphIy. and MIR. Jar
phly eyed her Tor Il moment and said
she need nat sit up for him that even
ing. PHS6i,ry Chroutci-.
They do say that it is now the custom
Of lovers to send their sweetest ines
sages on the outside of envelopes. So
cnrely covered from sight by the postage
stamp. Mothers and guardians may
read the main epistle in welcome; the
real persimmon is deyoured by the
daughter when she has opportunity to
soak the stamp loose. The rumor that
Congress is to be petitioned to increase
the size of postage stamps is believed
forest on a sentimental foundation. -
Utica Herald.
While digging a we'll IN Rome, Ia. 81
workman found, at the depth of sixty
four feet down in the bowels of the
earth. petri ed oyster. A legend
exists to the effect that church-supper
held in Rome twenty-five years ago
was almost a failure on account of its
oyster escaping from back window
and taking to the woods. 1t is sup
posed that this petrified bivalve is the
missing oyster. We suspect it was re-
cognized by mole between its shoulder
blades. The oyster must have been
terribly frightened to burrow so deep
into the earth.-NorristoeCp Herald
An English gentleman being at a
brilliant assembly of the elite of Vienna,
recently, was much annoyed at the
conduct of a distinguished lady of that
city, who amused herself and small
circle of friends by saying smart, but
generally uncourteous, things to him
and others. by the way, added she,
chow is it that your countrywomen
speak French so very imperfectly? We
Austrians use it with the same freedom
as if it were our own native tongue"