Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1885-12-19
JEEMS HAXBY.
TELLS HOW HE WILL SPEND CHRISTMAS.

Atiucte shvuiu De properly Sreuited.
meme tn hav big Krismus. In
the LIST place, I'm going tn call on mi
CURL She IL cros-eyed and haz q
hump on her back, but she IL walk
ing barrul nv shugar and BEEHIVE nv
huney. Her mouth IL in mourning
fur the loss nv her teatb, and her
head resembles dish ragg. But i
Inv this CURL. She lnvs me. So i
expect to etc mi dinner with mi Ma
tildia Jones' Fare Matilda swete
potater NV mi fancy, vii be there.
Mi nue. pants which cost me 72A sents,
cash muney, will adorn mi body, on
that occashun. Pa vii lend me hiz
watch, and my 3rd unkle haz an ole
cote an hat which he bot Ct sale,
and which he haz kindly offered to
lone me, provided / cum around in
the summer and keep and skare the
buggs from hiz potatsrs. Matilda
liz jelus nv me. She is jelus Nv mi
big fete, because ever l smiles ct
them. The Krismus dinner vii be
gorgnous. It vii embrase unions,
sourkrot, picked benes, fried dow
nuts, boyled mush, stued pigg-fete,
elderberry sause, aud eyed duck,
that baz been complaining 81 summer.
mi Matilda IL economical, you bet,
and she fered that same ole duck
would di on her hands The nobels
NV the land vii bee there. Lerry
O'Brien, Jim Frizzletop, George
Washington Dulittle, NV Ingland, an
Maiur General Thompson, nv the
Keyser Echo, who IL sharper than a
jlamp-post; also Jenny Sydenstriker,
Amanda Chuzzleworth and Kathleen
Minjulip, are buked for the dinner
After dinner there vii be grand
hop. when, if not tn full, expect tn
hop with mi fare Matilda They al
like me except Mr.. Jones, who takes
every occashun tn borrow sents
from me, knowing mi tender luv for
Matilda. He tole Peter jackson tn
tri and win mi gurls affecshun. Pete
drives boan wagun, and often gives
thc-ole gentulman free ride. He
went tn see Matilda the luther
mite, expressed his luv and tribe tn
impress on her balmy lips the swetes
NV biz ruby gums. She threw her
.3-pound hand at him, which landed
-abuv biz ey, and made him think q
bras kittel, filed with yelerjackets, had
bin turned over hiz he'd She then in
vited him tn the frunt dore, and the
bull dog escorted him thru the yard,
round bi the bake uven, and over the
garden wal. Pete is nov in bed,
suffering untold torments, the result
nv hiz misplaced confidence, Will
Matilda, the swets potatsr nv mi
fancy, lafs ct hix folly. Yes indeed,
I expect to hav big time.
Most people get drunk on Krismus
the same az any other day They
think it luks big to ware ther hats
tilted bak on their hsds, and hug
The lamp posts It dox not take
much, however, to make me drunk.
can't smell a minos pie, limburgur
chezs, or q strong pretxel without
wantun tn make . stump speech on
sum stor box. am Harmless, how
ever, j always kno mi phase, ct least
the policeman sax 20 who puts me in
the lookup. expect to be sober
Krismus, bekause several nv mi
friends hev expressed . desire topre-
sent me with presents on that day
/. and must be hoam tn reseve them;
beside it vii tax me sum time to get
/. on mi neu pan alunes, wind mi watch
and brush unkel's hat and cote off. j
hope the editurs NV tho INDEPENDENT
vii send me al ole collurs, cuffs and
stockups they may wish tn dispose
Nv, az am quite destitute at presunt
After Krismus, expect tn hav muney
az i have posishun tn chue raggs
for paper mil. Their are 3 or 4 fol-
lers here now engaged in filing up q
stabul for the mil
vii now max out a program for mi
Krismus da ackshuns. The LIST thing
j will du in the mornun viii bee tn get
out NV bed, say mi prayurs, don mi
klothes, and tax walk for mi health.
At 8 o'clock will cum bak and see If
the Majors hav sent in anything for
breakfast Mex, j vii blacken mi
shues with kittel black, and awate
callers. At 1890 a. m. viii don mi
borrowed plumage, and cal on swete
Matilda. F,r the mex hours mi
life vii bee unfayded Bills. will then
drift out again intoo the Decemb ur
brezes, full Of bere, picked benes and
1eyed duck. The rest Nv the day
vii be blank. vii see no one. Yes,
yes, expect tn hav big Krismus,