The Indianapolis sentinel. [volume] (Indianapolis, Ind.) 1880-1904, 1885-05-17
MODERN ARCHITECTURE
BILL NYE TELLS WHAT CALLED
OUT HIS FIRST FALSEHOOD.
The Sunlight of Hard Horse Sense-Houses
Like Crazy Quilts-Misfit Rafters and
Distorted Shingles Fare
well Incubus of Humps.
iOriginal.l

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for me, as slight testimonial of his high
regard for my sterling worth and symmetri-
cal escutcheon-a testimonial more suggestive
OF earnest admiration and warm personal
friendship than of great intrinsic value, etc,
ETC., etc., that hope he will not construct it
ON the modern plan of mental hallucination
and morbid delirium tremens peculiar to
recent architecture.
Of course, a man ought not to look gift
house in the gable end, but if my friends
don't know me any better than to build me a
summer cottage and throw in odd windows
that nobody else wanted, and then daub it
up with colors that they have bought at
auction and applied to the house after dark
with shotgun, / think it is time that we
had better understanding.
Such struct Ire does not come within
either of the three classes of renaissance. It
is neither Florentine, Roman nor Venetian
Any man can originate such a style of archi-
lecture if he will drink the right kind of
whisky long enough and then describe his
feelings to an amanuensis. Imagine the
sensation that one of these modern, sawed
from now, il it should survived But that is
impossible. The only cheering feature of the
whole matter is that these creatures of dis
ordered imagination must soon pass away
and the bright sunlight of hard horse sense
shine In through the shattered dormers and
gables and gnawed-off architecture of the
average summer resort. A friend of mine
afe Shn
with much pride. He asked me what ]
thought of it. 1 told him 1 liked it first-rate
Then | went home and wept all night. 1t
was my first falsehood.
The house, taken as whole, looked to me
like a skating rink that had started out to
make money and then suddenly changed its
mind and resolved to become a tannery.
Then ten feet higher it had lost all self
respect and blossomed into a full-blown
drunk and disorderly, surrounded by the
smokestack of a foundry and with the bright
future of 80 days ahead with the chain gang.
That's the way it looked to me-
The roofs were made of little odds and ends
OF misfit rafters and distorted shingles that
somebody had purchased at sheriff's sale, and
the rooms and stairs were giddy in the ex-
treme. / went in and rambled around among
the crosseyed staircases and other night
mares till reason tottered on her throne.
Then 1 came out and stood on the archi-
tectural wart called the side porch to get
fresh air. This porch was painted a dull
red, and it had wooden rosettes at the corners
that looked like bran new carbuncle on
the nose of social wreck Farther I'D ON
the demoralized lumber pile / saw, now and
then, places where the workmans mind had
wandered and he had nailed on his clapboards
wrong side up and then painted them with
the paris green that he had intended to use
on something else. 1t was an odd-looking
structure, indeed If my friend got all the
material for nothing from people who had
fragments of paint and lumber left over
after they failed, and then if the workmen
constructed it nights for mental relaxation
and intellectual repose, without charge, of
course the scheme was a financial success.
but architecturally the house is a gross viola
ton of the statutes in such cases made and
provided, and against the peace and dignity
of the state
There is look of extreme poverty about
the structure which man might struggle for
years to acquire and then fail No one could
look upon it without feeling heartache for
the man who built that house, and probably
struggled ON year after year, building little
of it at time as he could steal the lumber.
getting new workman each year, building
knob here and protuberancs there. put
ting in three-cornered window at one point
and yellow tile or wad of broken glass and
other debris at another, patiently filing in
around the ranch with any old rubbish that
other people had got through with, and paint
ing it as be went along, taking what was
left in the bottom of the pots after his neigh
bors mad painted their bobsleds or their tree
boxes-httle favors thankfully received-and
then surrounding the whole pile with pot
pourri of roof, grand farewell incubus of
humps and hollows for the rain to wander
through and seek out the different cells where
the lunatics live who inhabit it.
/ did tell my friend of one thing that
thought would improve the looks of his
house. He asked me eagerly what it could
be. / said it would take a man of great
courage to do it for him. He said he didn't
care for that. He would do it himself Ii
it only needed one thing he would never rest
till be had it, whatever that might be.
Then told him that if he had friend-one
he could trust-who would steal in there some
night while the family were away and scratch
a match on the leg of his brooches, or On the
breeches of any other gentleman who hap
pened to be present, and hold it where it
would ignite the alleged house, and then re-
main near there to see that the fire depart
ment did not NEEDLE with it, he would con-
fer great favor on one who would cheer
tllly retalate in kind on call. BILL NYE