The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-07-16
My PRIVATE ASTRONOMER.
BY CLARENCE A. WEBSTER.

My early education was neglected,
chiefly 10y myself, fact which my wife,
who is superior to me, mentally and
morally, is not slow to keep In the fore
ground in very annoying manner.
She does not know how irritating she
is in her efforts to improve my mind, as
/ have never pointed it out to her.
When she commences to talk merely
walk out of the house, lighting cigar
with slow Observation-Disclosures which,
Judging from the effect, is truly ex-
asperating. From long experience 1
have discovered that conscious silence is
beyond woman's comprehension, and
shuts her up in manner only equaled
by the effect on man of an offer to
bet five to one, closely followed by
show of money.
Although would not care to own it,
was at length goaded into sneaking
desire to shine in intellectual circles,
and to be able to distinguish between
the works of Emerson the minstrel
and Emerson the author. Between
you and me, / regard Billy as
having more brains than his heightened
brother who wrote books. He made
more money any way; but how my wife
would rave should she hear me utter
such "Philistine heresy." ("Philis-
tine heresy" is one of her pet gags.
1 commenced my intellectual inn
provement by buying books, those of
neat but not gaudy binding being pre-
ferred. I brought home book
nearly every day, and at first
my wife beamed on me at the evidence
of my renaissance" (her gag; but /
think at length she came to regard it
as extravaganza, and entertained
mean suspicion that too much intel
lectual pabulum" cher gag again might
affect the sealskin sacque fund
/ sought after knowledge pretty
evenly, and with considerable nerve,
until one day an unprincipled dealer
worked off Welsh dictionary on me,
and then / shut down. 1 am rather
liberal in my educational views, but l
draw the line at Welsh dictionaries
After that rarely bought book, ex-
tspt when had been out late with the
boys, and wished to fortify my
statement to the effect that /
had spent the evening at our
literary club and had just brought
home something choice from the club
library. Little things like this some
times carry conviction when arguments
fail.
was walking along the street one
fine frosty evening when an idea struck
me, suggested by the sight of cold
and shivering curbstone telescope fakir.
stopped in front of him in order to
thoroughly grasp the idea; for with me
they are scarce and come high. With
my wife it is different
Five cents o look. Fine view of
Jupiter" remarked the sidewalk as
tronomer.
Here, gimme a quarters worth, "
said i, handing over the coin. The
man grinned, believing me drunk and
good for any amount OF money. was
never more sober in my life. 1t was
merely tie idea working.
Astronomy goes said L.
~What?" observed the man, little
anxiously, for he was not now sure he
did not have crank on his hands.
"How much do you make night?"
asked.
"Not enough to keep me in SALT" he
answered, rather savagely, for he now
thought he saw in me possible rival
"ihen can hire you pretty cheap
for my own private use, can't II"
A shade of regret that he had mo-
announced himself on the high road tc
wealth crossed his face as he com
menced to haggle with me over tn,
price of the service.
II merely want you to give me some
practical lessons in as ronomy. M,
education is way of, and i want to ge
posted. Books put me to sleep. Nov
this is practical. It's getting right q