Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-02-18
A New Crime Under the Sun.

A New Crime Under the Sun.
When old Anderson Brumley an
nounced himself as candidate for
justice of the peace, the people Of
Buck Short township felt that the
time when they were to have an able
and upright administration of judi
cial affairs had arrived. Old Brum-
ley had never opened a law book
therefore he was regarded as honest.
He had never hesitatsd to take off his
coat and fight the best man in the
neighborhood; therefore he was con-
sidered able. He had never been
backward in denouncing his enemies
consequently he was regarded as a
citizen of wisdom. With these ac-
complishments, his election, in the
expressive parlance of politics, was a
walk over" Shortly after Brumley
took his seat on the red oak woolsack,
a man named Billy Malone was ar
rested for stealing a grindstone.
"This here is a mighty important
case," said the magistrate, when the
culprit had been arranged before
court. I'm looking over these here
law books, I don't find no mention
of grind-stones. 1t was a big over
sight in our legislature not to put
down grind-stones in the books, fur it
mout have been knowed that some
blamed rascal in this part O. the State
was goin' to steal one. Folks ia this
here part O. the country, let me tell
you, will steal anything. Wa'al in
the absence O. any statuary barin' on
the subjeck, reckon I'll make this
here charge manslaughter in the first
degree"
'"Your honor" said a lawyer, chat
would be impossible"
"Wood it3 Wa'al, I'll jest show
you I'm running this here court"
"Your honor"
"Call me jedge, if you please"
"Well, judge, there is no such thing
as manslaughter in the first degree"
"Ain't tharf Well, I'll Jest show
you I'm runnin' this here court.
Prisoner at the bar, l have longed fur
opportunity O. teachin' lesson to
the risin' generation. You have given
me the chance. don't delight in
seein' man fall from grace, but
when he does fall, thar amt nothin'
that pleases me so much as to tangle
my hand in the ruffles O. his calico
shirt. Manslaughtsr is a mighty
serious charge, young feller."
81 amt slaughtered no man yit,
jedge."
"Shet your mouth, impudent violat-
er O the sacred law O. the land. No
marter what you done, l say it was
manslaughter in the fust degree, an
when a man disputes my word, wy,
he'd better wish that his bones was
made outen Injun rubber an his
back kivered with the skin O yalli-
gator. Young outrager O. the prin-
ciples O civilization, for this great
crime of manslaughter in the fust de-
gree, / sentences you to be hung next
Friday"
Judge" exclaimed the lawyer,
springing to his feet, "this proceeding
is impsssible.'
"Is it? Wa'al, I'll jes show you
Pm runnin' this court. When you
git to be jedge, I won't come round
tellin' you what you can do an what
you can't"
"Great Cesar, judge, such course
as you are taking is violation of the
State Constitution"
els itf Wa'al, I'll jest repeal the
State Constitution right here. This
feller oughter be hung, an if had
catched him ten days ago. whuther or
not he had committed manslaughter
in the fust degree or stold a grind
stone in the second, which is the same,
l would have sentenced him to be
hung. Mr.. Constable, take charge O.
this man, an see that he is hung up
in a respectable manner. Any law
yer what don't wanter be sarved in
the same way had better keep his
mouth shet. I'm runnin' this court"
--Opie P. Read.