News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-05-28
JOKES FOUND ASTRAY.
HUMOROUS NOTES FOUND IN TIE
COLUMNS OF OUR EXCHANGES.
tramp who Eat Grass-A Teethfnx
Chiid-A Russian War SonR-The AT.
tOrney's Joke, ETC., Etc.
EATING GRASS.


and in moment the door was opened
and kind face appeared, while gentle
woman's voice asked: "What Is it, my
poor man p Madam" said the figure,
"ali I ask is to brush away the snow
here in front of the house and eat some
of the grass" ''No, my poor man."
answered the gentle voice. 'Though I
am woman still have heart. Do
not eat that grass. Go round to the
back of the cottage and you will find
some that is much more nourishinp,"
And the kind form disappeared, the
door was closed and the wind whistled
another Wagnerian air.-Boston Post.
RUSSIAN WAR SONG.
We're coming, Ale1androvitch, at least mil
| lion more,
From Kanineshaeia's bay and Obskalagouba's
| shore.
From Karakouskie's frozen wild from Tyms-
kala's plain,
We're marching Alexander, with all our might
! and main.
From Gatmonsckino's forest from Tscherbor-
| beskoi's vale,
From Wassiagourbskas blooming fields, from
Olymskia's dale,
From Kakamaiosa's villages, from Medouschar-
skis isle,
We're coming Alexander, the weary rank and
| file.
From polysyllable villages we're marching gay
ly down.
Perchance to rot in Afghanland to gid anew
| your crown,
We're on to Berg-el-Murghab, and Penjschid-
yeh we seek,
And we're headed by some generals whose
names no tongues can speak.
From provinces and villages whose names be-
fore the eye
Look like heap of consonants shoveled into
''pi."
We-arolows and off-skies, -effs and offs and
vitches
For Holy Church and Pious Cxar will die in
Herats bitches.
AN ASSERTING WITNESS.
Justice (colored) )-"When 1 said dat
de man wasn't straight what did you
say ?"
Witness-'1 said dat's So"
Justice-''And when I said dat de
man was crooked what did you say ?"
Witness-"I said dat's so.''
Justice-tAnd when I said dat de
man wasn't upright what did you say ?"
Witness-"I said dat's SO"
Justice-''And now you swear you
didn't say de man wasn't honest ?"
Witness-No more I did. I fought
you referred to de rumatics de man
had. ."-NeaO York Advertiser.
THE NEW BOARD OF TRADE.
"Oh, papa" said the brokers' little
daughter, as they walked to the Lake
Shore Depot, "what splendid building |
that is-that one with the clock in the
steeple and the ship on top and the |
stained glass windows, I mean. What |
church is ii ?"
"That isn't church."
els it Sunday school room?"
"No, not exactly, my dear, though I
believe the precious little lambs are
sometimes taken in there. - Chicago |
Herald.
An Augusta (Me.) lawyer relates this |
story of Henry W. Paine: He was pro-
scouting attorney in a criminal case.
The evidence plainly showed that the |
respondent was guilty, and the defence
admitted 1t. The respondents counsel |
asked for verdict of not guilty on the
ground that the defendant was non
compos mentis. Greatly to the surprise
of Paine-and everybody else, for that
matter-the jury came in with verdict |
of not guilty. Paine on the instant |
turned to the presiding judge and said :
"Your Honor, the prisoner evidently
has been tried by jury of his peers"
THUS RUNS THE WORLD AWAY.
Nurse to fashionable mother-The |
baby is very restless, ma'am. I can't
do anything with her.
F. M.-She's teething, suppose?
N.-Yes'm. I think if you was to
take her in your arm a little while it
might soothe her.
F. M? Impossible. I haven't |
the time to spare. I am just making
ready to attend a meeting of the Society |
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Chill
dren. Give baby some paregoric.-
Boston Courier.
DOMESTIC FIDELITY.
Mrs. McNamara-Yis, Mrs. Cummis-
key, I've been married now goin' on
twenty-three years, and Mac and I have
niver had serious quarrel.
Mrs. C.-Well, thin, it's happy wo-
man you ought to be, for many's the
row Peter and have had, God be good |
to us all.
Mrs. McN.-Oh, for that matter, we've
had hard words time and agin, and may
be now and thin blow, but what
mean is I niver had to call in the po-
ice.-N. Y San.
GREATEST KIND OF AN INSULT.
Alice-"Isn't that queer? This book
of travels says the worst insult that can
be offered to a Russian maiden Is to
spread tar on the front gate Of her resi-
dence."
Maud-'1 should think 1t would be an
insult"
"But whya Oh, you mean 1t is a
personal reflection.
''No; it probably means that she can't
get beau, and has no use for the front
gate. Philadelphia call.
COMING EVENT.
Wife-Old Mrs. Bentley told me con-
fdentially this morning that she ex-
pected shortly to become grandmother.
Husband (absent-minded)-Is it pos
siblel That old woman.-Ne,0. Orleans
Times.
GAME FROM A CHILLY CLINE.
Chow nice and warm 1t is here in
Chicago r. remarked a traveller at the
West Side Station, yesterday. "Where
came from it was so chilly and dis
agreeable that pulled up stakes and Lit
out for home"
"Where do you hail from-Canada p
"No; Washington. - Chicago Herald.