Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1885-09-09
WIT AND HJMOR.

LON f1OOu expression ", IL was
pitiful to sec whole city full, is
equivalent to the modern phrase Of
painting the town red. y
Il wish | were mulf,' said a dis
gusted poker-player. ''Why SOP" in
quired his astonished friend. Because
! might have chance of finding fair
hand once in while. bohemian.
1t is said that French invention for
reshaping noses has been introduced in
to this country, and is used by many
people who wish to improve that useful
organ. 1t is worn at night, and after a
short time will change the shape of the
most stubborn nose.
Say" called the boarder to the
waiter. Yes, SIR was the polite an
swer HAS the cook the recipe for
making this pudding?' Yes, sir, l
think she has" ''Well, 90 out and tell
her to throw it away" Then silence
healed the blows of sound.
Stolid proprietor of German restau-
rant to new waiter-''D Dot letter for you,
Ell? You was der Baron Won Sckinkel-
berg?' New waiter, meekly-''Yes,
Mein Her. Stolid proprietor-''Den
you wasn't no reckular waiter, Ell? Veil,
dake dollar week off your wages. -
Puck.
There is no blank so blank as the
blank that appears before man when
he gets up in public assembly and for
gets what he was going to say-unless
it is the blank which appears before an
amateur in a skating-rink when his legs
begin to spread and he don't know
which one to follow.-LWriington Free
Press.
what name does your husband call
you by? said a bride to friend who
had been married several years; "does
he call you ducky or lovey?' AMY
darling calls me ducky.' 'Does he?
Mine used to call me popsey-wopsey,
but he doesn't use that term now"
"What does he call you, then?" ''He
calls me Say, there. "
An Arizona editor having got his
rival in jail for assault and battery, thus
gloats over him: "Our quondam con-
temporary is lying as usual-this time
in Jail. We understand that the saloon
keepers are moving heaven and earth
to get him out, as their business has
fallen off since he has been cooped.
When he gets out what q thirst he will
haver'
A pioneer in the far West had been
following an Indian all day long, and
had shot at the redskin until his ammu-
milton was all gone. When his last bull
let had been fired, the Indian sprang
out of the bushes and rushed at him
tomahawk appraised, "Jewhilikins, Mr..
Injun,' said the white man, dropping
on his knees, you wouldn't kill poor
widower with nine small children. y
Detroit Evening Neo0s.
"My lads" said kind old gentle
man to number of youths who had
just left beer saloon with cigarettes in
their mouths one Sunday afternoon,
'you are too young to indulge in smok-
ing and drinking. Sooner or later such
habits will prove your ruin. Beware of
leading fast life, my boys eve
don't lead fast lives,'' one of them re-
piled eve are all district messenger
boys. "-NeW York SIN.
s'What's this l hear, Jones? They
say your wife has run away and left
YOU Eyes, she gave me a terrible
scolding yesterday morning as usual,
and skipped out last night" "Mercy
on us! Where do you suppose she has
gomez" ''To England ITO En-
gland? What did she 90 there forp"
She has gone to England to blow up
London Bridge. She's worse than dy.
Mantle, l tell you; for I've tried both
MARY. what does this mean? 1 find
bill for the use of hose.' ''Sure
marin, a man called to know if you
used hose. told him you did and he
left that BILL '.Why did you tell him
we used hose, Mary? We never do"
Mary's face showed surprise, distrust
and reproach: ..Why, we do, marm!''
with yehelnence.% "Hosep Mary, we
haven't any, why, marin! What
does Pattake up the weeds withp'--
Boston Transcript.
The Western reporter who set out to
interview a Northern Pacific Railroad
official found him in a high state of in
dignation. '.Some of those Eastern
papers," he said, 'sseem to take delight
in lying about us!'' Exactly, sir, |
have noticed thatmyself." 'Now, here
is one claiming that we have lately dis
charged 200 employees on account of
lack of business. Why, sir, instead Of
that we have had to put 400 extra men
at workl' son account of the rushP''
"Welll, yess-rush of snow which has
buried most Of our line six feet deep;
but it shows business and enterprise just
the samer'- Val Street Neacs.