Northern tribune. [volume] (Cheboygan, Mich.) 1875-1885, 1885-05-07
BY BILL NYE.

Many people have travelled all their
lives and yet do not kROw how to behave
themselves when on the road. For the
benefit and guidance of such. these few,
crisp, plain, horse seaser rules of etiquette
have been framed.
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn to
the right on discovering an approaching
train III you wish the train to turn out,
give two loud tOots and get i'm between
the rails so that you will not muss up
the right of way. Many n nice, new
right of way has been ruined by getting
pedestrian tourist spattered all over its
first mortgage.
On retiring at night on board the
train. do not leave your teeth in the ice
water tank. IL every one should do so,
it would occasion great confusion in
case of wreck. 1t would also cause much
annoyance and DELAY during the result
rection Experienced tourists tie a
string to their teeth and retain them
during the night.
If you have been reared in extreme
poverty and your mother supported you
until you grew up and married so that
your wife NDpld support you, you will
probably sit in four seats at the same
time, with your feet extended into the
aisles so that you can wipe them off on
other people while you snOre with yOar
mouth open, clear to your shoulder
| blades.
If you are prone to drop to sleep and
breathe with low. death rattle, like the
exhaust of bath tub, it would be a
good plan to tie up your head in a feath-
er bed md then insert the whole thing
i'm the linen closet, or if you cannot Sc
cure that, you might stick it out of the
window and get it knocked off against a
tunnel. The stockholders of the road
might get mad about il, but you could
do it in such way that they wouldn't
know whose head it was.
Ladies and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while in a
beastly state of intOXicatiOn.
In the dining car, while eating, do not
comb your mOustache with your fork.
BY all means do not comb your NOUS
tache with the fork of another. 1t is
better to refrain altogether from comb
ing the moustaehe with fork while
travelling, for the motion of the train
might jab the fork into your eye and ir-
ritate it.
If your dessert is very hot and you dc
not discover it until you have burned the
rafters out of the roof of your mouth. do
rot utter a wild yell of agony and spill
your coffee all over total stranger, bat
control yourself, hoping to know more
next time.
In the morning is good time to find
out how many people have succeeded in
getting on the passenger train who
ought to he in the stock car.
Generally you will find one male and
one female. The male goes into the
wash room, bathes his worthless carcass
from daylight until breakfast time, walk
ing on the feet of any man who tries tC
wash his face during that time. He
wipes himself on nine different towels
because when he gets home he know.
he will have to wipe his face on an ole
door mat. People who have been reare(
on hay all their lives, generally want to
fill themselves full of pie and collie when
they travel.
The female of this same mammal goes
into the ladies department and remains
there till starvation drives her out
Then the real ladies have about thirteen
seconds apiece In which to dress.
IL you never rode in a vanished cal
before, and never expect to again, yOu
will probably roam up and down the car
meandering over the feet of the porter
while he is making up the berths. This
is good way to let people see just how
little sense you had left after your brain
began to soften.
In travelling, do not take along a lO'
of old clothes that you know you will
never wear.
Never walk through car staring ev-
erybOdy out of cOuntenance. like jim
Crow detective hunting for the Jame
boys, but mind your own business, b,
your ticket takes you over the grea
Rock Island route. Then you will fee
as Though you were among friends al
the time, and you will leave the trail
with pang of genuine regret.