Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-11-26
WIT AND HUMOR.
A huge squash painted green was
palmed off as an Irish watermelon"
at Fresno lCal. fair.

"A Au-C oiuaSi paihtSu EiVoh hNI
palmed off as an "lrish watermelon
at Fresno (Cal fair.
After terrible struggle party OF
men on Western train succeeded in
disarming lunatic, thereby saving
other lives. 1t was close call,
though. Later adyices show that the
lunatic was armed with an accordion.
There is woman in Canton, China.
whose soles are so small that she can
stand ON a silver dollar. That's moth
ing. We have seen m N in this coun-
try whose souls are SO small that they
can stand on 10 cents. - BinghdmptoR
Republican.
Said the magistrate to an actress:
Your profession, mademoisellep"
..Artiste. Your age?" '.rwen ty-
two" usher. you can now swear
the lady to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth. -
Pstris Figaro.
Customer (seating himself in bar
ber's chair) ..Finc weather we are
having" Barbcr-.sY sab" Gus
toner Feels little like rain" Bar
Der Scuse me, sab, but de boss
doan low us to gage in conversation
durin' business houhs.
A-..Jane. bring me bottle of Bur
gundy.o B-"And me bottle of
Erlauer. C-'sAnd me bottle OF
Oiener.n DIANE, I'll take bottle
OF Voslauer. Jane burgundy,
Elaucr, Ofener, Voslaucr; right, gen.
tlemen! CAT the barr Martin, four
pints red!
Near Austin, New, recently, the
Piute Indians killed squaw and her
child because she could talk French.
Ii she talked French like the average
American French scholar, you couldn'
blame the Piutes for feeling aggrieyed,
though possibly they were unnecessa-
rily severe. -BoStois Transcript
Can't you give me another pail to
put your milk imp said the milkman
to the girl the other morning. "Why,
what's the matter with that one you've
got in your hand?" why, it leaks.
| want one that's watertight." The
girl went to get one, but she thought
much as she went. - IoAkers States
man.
A Buffalo woman's pet canary was
killed by a rat, so she caught the de-
stroyer. put it in the cage and starved
it to death, rousing it up from time to
time, with red-hot knitting-needle or
squirt of vitriol When. after six
days of agony, the rat was dead, she
wept because it could be tortured no
longer.
If all the letters of Carlyle and En-
erson had been stolen, and not only
stolen but burned, good deal of i'll
natured croaking and vast amount
of metaphysical stuff of no practical
use to anybody would have been de-
stroyed, and the world would not have
lost anything of value. -AeW albany
(Iad. } Ledger.
Remember those chickens you sold
me Saturday." Certainly" Spring
chickens, weren't they?" "Of course
What was the matter with themp"
20, nothing. The springs were all
there, only | wanted to tel you that
the next time | want pair of rubber
springs. Wire springs are too much
for my blood. "-lhttadelphia CAL.
Ouray was never SO gay: Butchers
all indicted; tin horns on the fly; edit
ors ENJOYING weekly roundup; mar
ried men in the hills; Washers working
double shifts; parlor picnics seven
nigats in the week; beer two-for-a-
quarter; moonlight strolIs; pie three
Tunes day; and fifty-live tons of ore
per diem coming down from the hills.
Blesseda Ouray!- Ouray (Col) solid
lAHldoon.
Postmaster-''So you want place
lit the fast-delivery department." APP
pl cint-''Yes, sir. My delivery was
a.e a 5 pronounced not only fast, but
remarkably effective" 1--WE want an
effective delivery, of course. Where
did you get your deliyeryPn .In the
oox. the box!' with dazed air).
Yes. Ipilchcd two years for the
Red Stockings. = fhaiadetlAia Call.
We beg the indulgence of onr read
ers for shortcomings for the last few
weeks Have been physically disor-
ganized by having had wagon roll
across our troubled Uranium, and by
having experienced the lusty blows OF
oSot Aii luulo spiluhlcu uD ANA
down our back. Had narrow escape
for our life. We promise. however,
not to be guilty of the like soon, Dec
voiente.-LiHcolntoa (Ga.) NeOs
The conversation turned to Niagara,
and one of them obseryed:
Yes, it is Il wonderful sight. | re-
member the first time l went there. 1t
was some twenty years ago, and the
hISt evening | was walking"
You were walking, were your"
Yes; what of it?"
"Oh, nothing. but | didn't have to
walk until the second day. San
francisco Atd.
He didn't seem TO respect Guzzlcby
x Charlie. I'm afraid that if Guzzleby
doesn't stop drinking soon he'll have
snakes in his boots. I'm not. !"
why not?n "Why, there isn't a
snake in the world that hasn't more
sef-respect than to be seen in his COM
pany." ''Ah, but you know delrium
tremeas is only an affection of the
mind. " Then I'm sure Guzzeby
won't have EN-"
A friend tells story of one Mr..
R, who delighted in the false claim
that ne was on terms" with all the
famous members of the literati. One
evening at a social gathering n Young
lady engaged Mr.. R in conyersa-
lion about books and authors.
Did you know George Sand?" the
young lady asked
Know George Sand? Should say
did. We used to room together. -
Washington Kepu5ltc.
Col Bluegrass (of Kentucky
What's the matter with that friend OF
yours you introduced me to this MORN
ing, Robinson? Is he crazyP
Robinson-Crz y? Certainly not.
What makes you think he is crazy?
Col Bluegrass Earnestly - asked
him, after You left. if he wouldn't Join
me in n cocktail, aud he replied:
Thanks, Colonel. but haven't had
my breakfast yet You mark my
words. mes crazy. -Acw York Times.
A white man from away down South
in the Okecchobee Lake region came
up to Gainesville last week on bust
ness ut the United States Land-Office.
While here he saw the first ice he had
ever seen. He manifested great inter-
est IN the fright substance. and put a
half-pound lump in his pants pocket to
take home to his family. He soon
took it out of his pocket, however, and
rs he did so said; II am Altered it
will Spite my terbackcr. - Gainesville
(f8a) Nel0S.
Anxious mother Edward, | wish
you would 60 upstairs aud see Charles.
The poor boy Is in great distress -