Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-04-24
WIT AND HUNIOi;.

principally upon their experience, the
way it strikes them
An old darky in Kentucky signs him
self Col. Henry Clay Jones, When
asked why he should prefix that title
to his name, AS he had no right to it,
he replied. "les, has sab. p" "But
YOU are not Colonel" dat don
moan Colonel, boss; dat means color
ed, ny. Y Times
A would-be author called on Mr..
Fields one day at his office in the pub
clearinghouse OF Tickuor 4 Fields. Ev-
identity the young man did not like Mr..
Fields appearance, for this was the
conversation: "ls this Mr. Ficlds?n
alt is, sir. ." "Mr. James +. FieldsPn
II am he" well, then, I'd like to
see Mr.. Ticknor!"
II love color, and think it is one of
the misfortuncs of our sex that we cant
wear anything but black, or grey. per-
haps, in summer. Now. in nature the
male is always the most gorgeous, but.
except in the time of the cavaliers, the
dress of men has been somber. The
cavalier was magnificent. | wish the
day might come when we might dress
so again. | should like to flame out
myself rlaughterl, but it is too late, too
late. '--Henyy Ward Beechcr.
Cicely had just dropped in to con-
gratulate her friend on pleasant pros
poets directly after Lent. 80, I'm so
glad for you. my dear. Augustus al
ways was such charming company
Oh. he's real nice. He paid me mark
a hnly ~
"lndecd. | believe I've heard him say
something about you being very dear
friend of his mother" The coffee
cream froze in the little quaint pitcher
on the table. SO did the mornings
conversation. -HarJord Post
Pete Ousterhout is one of the most
rascally negroes in Galveston. He was
caught stealing poultry, and brought
up before the justice. The evidence"
said the Judge. "shows that you stole
the chickens from Colonel Jones' hem
coop, and the fine should be five dol
lars, but I'll let you off this time"
"Who wants ter be let off, exclaimed
the prisoner. Il steals my chickens,
and pays my fine, and don't ask nuf-
fin OBJ nobody. Dis heah mixin up sem
timcnt and bizness am what's ruinin
de kentry. "-7craS SJtings.
An S-year-old in the Lewiston Gram
mar-schoOl was with the rest of the
class in the hall the other day, getting
ready for the Longfellow exercises
One of the boys who was to take part
in the exercises was absent, and the
teacher desiring to know what part the
absent boy was to take in the exercises,
looked down the class and asked:
"What did James have?' Out of the
row spake the S-year-old, with loud
voice that came right out from beneath
pug nose and honest eyes, and said:
james had the mumps, ma am. y
LeWtSto'oH (Nc.) Journal.
Insomnia is dreadful disease, amt
it?" remarked passenger from Fort
Wayne; ''now there's fieighbor of
mine has a bad case of it, and that
poor mans suferings have drove me
nearly wild. His house is only twenty
feet from mine, and | can hear him at
nearly all hours of the night. I've laid
awake hours and hours just on account
OF him M so sympathetic. More
than that, have prayed and prayed
that death might come to his relief
"Strauge that you should be so much
affected by his sleeplessness. You
think SOP Well, you wouldn't if YOU
could hear him some night. He plays
the flute. IL Chicago Heraid
Medical advice by telephones: Hus.
band-"My wife has a severe pain in
the back of her neck, and complains of
sort OF soreness in the stomach"
Physician-"Shc has malarial collie"
Husband-"Wh shall do for her?"
THE girl at the central switches
off to a machinist talking to sawmill
man. Machinist to Husband-'I
think she is covered with scales about
an inch thick. Let her cool down dur
ing the night, and before she fires up
in the morning take hammer and
pound her thoroughly all over, and
then take hose and hitch it to the
tire-plug and wash her out" Husband
has no further need for this doctor. -
Leonard'S Medical JOurnal.
| was going up in one of the Yonge
street cars the other evening. The car
was well filled on both sides-chiefy
by ladies-and, being very narrow, it
was next to impossible for one to move
in or out by reason of the interlocked
feet of the passengers. A lady got on
the platform and sought seat, but
there was none for her. A young man
at the front of the car rose and offered
his, but the new passenger couldn't
make her way to it. The other ladies
looked back at her very indtferently,
and, while it would be the easiest thing
IN the world to move up peg" none
OF them budgcd. You may as well
take your seat, sir, heard some one
say to the young man; ..ladies never
make room for each other Toronto
(OntariO) Globe.
An Ottawa letter represents that the
Marquis of Lansdowne, the Governor
General, and his consort endeayor to
make themselves popular with the
Canadians and all local celebrities are
pretty sure Of gratifying attentions
from them. Not long since the Marquis
saw in the local newspaper that GER
tain gentleman, whose name cores
ponded with that of native author,
was registered at an Ottawa hotel. Be-
hcying it to be the author, their excel
lencies invited him to dine. Dinner
was announced for hall-past seven; but
at quarter OF eight a telephone mes
sage came: Cant 90; I'm stuck for
a pair OF evening boots" Come on;
never mind that, was the reply. He
did come, but he was not the author.
Good heavens! we've got the wrong
man, whispered an aide. But we
must make the best of it now was
the hosts reply. He was boisterous
commercial traveller, a driver. of fast
horses, arrayed in massive chains and
elaborate rings.
Johnny Fizzletop, of Galveston. is
- L.. l. n