The Arkansaw traveler., 1885-03-07
WHAT DOES HE SAY, JIM ?'
Bill Nye, in New York Mercury. 1


 During the darker days of the war, when its holiday features had given place to genuine blood and universal sorrow when the dazzling uniforms had been dragged through the dust and mud of many campaigns, and the soi of every southern state had swallowed up the dear dust of brothers and sons, and when the roll of drums and the flash of swords no longer won new recruits to deaths grim carnival, there came the draft, with all the horrors but none of the dearly-bought glory of voluntary service.
 Peter Duffy, an Irish blacksmith, with a young wife and large family of help less little children, was among the first in southern Wisconsin to draw a sorrowful prize. He felt that he absolutely could not go. He tried every way to evade the call to certain death, but met with nothing but oh agrin, ridicule and defeat.
 One day, Hon. James H. Earnest was speaking in the state senate, when a mes senger came and told him that a man outside the senate chamber wished to see him. o ving to some misunderstood int MT. Duff was ushered into the room. He had good deal of hair, which he al- lowed to grow in wild profusion. He did not hold himself responsible in any way for that hair. His head looked like an old hair mattress that has been turned wrong side out by cyclone and deserted by its friends. He became the exposure of all eyes. The speech lost it's interest and came to close.
 "Now, Peter, said MT. Earnest, "what's the matter with you?"
 "Sinatcr, I'm kilt, Pm a cold carpse. Me wife is widdy. They do have me grafted, Jip. There's only half a moile bechune me and paradoise. I want you to s.e the Prissident, or Jiff Davis, or Gineral MickLillan, or some of thim byes and save me loife. II ye can't do it, Jim, Pm gorn oop, and me wife is a weepin' widdy bound for the poor house beyant. Hip me out, Sinator. Pass bill maxim it tflony on the neigh sage to graft an Irish orpan into this gineral massacree. Do that, Jim, and I'll pray for ye all me loife, and the Lord knows you made 1t, too, and I'll do all yer blacksmithin' at half proice."
 MT. Earnest thought all those things were impracticable.
 "Peter," said he "you seem to be elected by an overwhelming majority and I'm afraid your resignation would not be accepted. Unless you fail to pass the medical examination, you'll have to go, guess"
 Then MT. Duffy thought of something.
 Sinator, to tell the trooth, can't hear very we'll mesef. Whin was an appren- tice, a red mool knocked the dayloights out of me and impaired me listener"
 MT. Earnest had never noticed this, but he really didn't want to see Duffy go, and in the kindness of his heart he en- couraged the idea little. He even went over to see Dr. Hoyt at Camp Randall, and while they made some scientific ex- periments with lemons and sugar and spirits, he drew the conversation toward MT Duffy.
 The next day MT. Earnest told Peter to come down to the Park Hotel and visit him at his room. At the appointed hour Senator Earnest produced hst of ques- tiens aud told Mir. Duffy that he would have to answer these satisfactorily. Pa- tiently they set to work like a class of students who have secretly secured list of queries prior to the day of examination. Every day, after the legislative session had closed, Mir. E arnest would repair to his room in company with MT. Duffy, and they would go through the rehearsal. Finally, the time for Duffy's examination came, and Senator Earnest had to go to Camp Randall to assist. A question would be propo lnded to Peter, and he would turn with great gravity and earn- estness to Mir. Earnest, who sat by him, and ask:
 What do he say, JimT Then Jim would bawl the question into Duffy's of ear. The examination went on first rate. only that Earnest nearly dled trying to keep a straight face. Finally came the last test which generally caught the inn postor. Dr. Hoyt turned with great dis gust to the other examining surgeons and said:
 Gentlemen we don't want this bump on log. He can't hear anything. Il think we had better leave the blankety- blank wooden-head at home, where his family can attend to him and see that he don't miss the resurrection"
 This was said in low tone of voice to catch the unwary Irishman, but slowly he turned to Senator Earnest and sravely inquired:
 What do he say, Jimf'
 Then E rpest red in the face with sup pressed emotion, believed into Duffy's best ear:
 "The--doctor--says--you--can't- hear-anything. He-thinks -better-stay-here-where- -your--fam- ily-can-call-your -attention-to-th resurrection.
 Adams and Emerson.