The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1885-09-20
LAUGH AND GROW FAT.
Bill Nye Writes Letter to Hopeful Son at
College-Current Humor.


Written for the Journal by Bill Nye-Copyrighted
My Dear Son: Your mother and / was glad
TO get your last letter, and to hear that you was
well, though both of us think it was little
tough for you to take up SO much of it correct
ing our spelling and grammar Your mother
and don't brag on our edgeucation, but as COM
mon low browed parents we aim to be equalled
by few and excelled by none. When l was
young parents didn't 90 without clothes so that
their children could got an edgeucation, as they
do nowadays. My folks was poor laundering
poor you might say. 1t was some time before
they could afford the luxury of Websters
spelling book for me, and then allow me to walk
three miles in a tow shirt and pair of linsey-
woolsey pants to the hot-bed of learning /
hadn't been in the edgeucation business long be-
fore accident happened to my library. The
school house wasn't rugged up with furnace
down stairs and them iron refrigerators in every
room, so you can turn the warm off or on as you
want to. but it was plain. 1t cost probably SAT
including a wooden button on the outside
door which was supposed to hold the blamed
thing shet when school was out at night.
But, one night, in the early history of my
junior year, as you would cali it, the front door
Of the school-house got unbuttoned, and half
starved twoyearo old steer wandered in there and
spent the night He swallowed my textbook
while thinking over his past life, and so kind Of
shet off my corrickulum, as you would say.
suppose ought to have borrowed copy of the
Koran, or the Illyad. some other big, high
priced book, and laid down on my stummick and
committed it to memory by the light of pine
knot, but at that time hadn't read the rules for
self made men, or Every Man His Own Self
made Man So / didn't know what to do in
order to get an education. or would have got 1t
or bust hate to have my children ashamed of
me, and so does your mother. That's all we care
about. don't care cuss for any education for
myself, but it grinds us to have you ashamed to
show our letters to the other boys. That's why
want you to git so you kahn write good hand
and use big words that 1t would take me year
to think Of Then your children won't be
ashamed of you when you come to be a father
or a mother yourself, George We'd like, tip
top, to come down this spring and see you, your
mother and |, and listen to your valetudinarlan
as you call it. and we could too, only very likely
we'd give the whole blamed thing away be-
fore we got through, and make you so ashamed
you'd wish you was dead. So it's probably bet
ter for us to stay here, and the farm and keep
you there as long as there's a shote left, for
want you to get your skin SO full of knowledge
that folks here won't know what in Sam Hill
you're talking about half the time. People here
have kind of throwed it out, from time to time,
that lacked culture, and | admit that l have
tried to use language, on several occasions, that
neither here nor there. / want you to come
home with words on your tongues end that will
make the neighbours heads ache Some of EN-
have allowed that I'd better have you come
home and help support the family, but don't you
worry ABOUT the family. You there to get
as much knowledge for the money as you can
want you to be so that when you come home you
can got the square root of a haystack in two
minutes with your eyes shet, or talk to
Hebrew, or a Monaghan. or Agnostic in his
her-toDgue, and SO alfred slick that he will
think you was born right there yourself
Your mother is well, barrin lone felon on her
thumb, which is not a very good thing for
woman of her age. trying to do her own work.
She sends her earnest love to you George, and
says she thinks of you night and day. and that
no work is too tough that helps to kind of lift
her dear boy out of the low spere to which our
poverty and bad spellin has kind of subjected US
to-
AS to what's his name who run for President
said. | guess you'd better burn this letter.
George. and then your classmates can't use it
again you.
Inelosed you will find postofice money order
for 81 80 to get the youker deck which you so much
need. l don't know Eve spelt yauker right,
but you will be able no doubt to gather the idea.
Ever your affectionate FATHER.
P. S.-Next week / will tell you about a
church socable which we just had at our house.