The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1885-12-10
HOW TO TRAVEL.
Rules for Passengers Which Differ Slightly
from the Golden Rule.


First. please keep off the grass.
Travellers without baggage must pay
in advance. So must travellers with
too much baggage. Second, the trav-
eler who has never before been twenty
miles away from home is permitted to
sit in one seat and put mis- feet on an
other. Third, the man who plants his
dusty boots on plush furniture at home
and in his frind's house is expected to
conduct himself in a like manner on q
train. Fourth. gas burned after four
o'clock will be charged extra. Fifth,
the passenger who knows the least
about anything is particularly request
ed to talk the loudest about everything.
Sixth. whenever the conductor calls
''all aboard" all passengers who are
taking their first trip in railway car
will shout, ''if you can't get a board
get rail" This will enable the con-
ductor to pick them out without any
trouble. Seventh, the passenger who
has been ''aboard" Cooks excursion
list, Europe, Asia and Africa in ninety
days., will please give accounts of the
fabulous speed and superior comforts
of continental railways; (two days and
ninety seconds from Boulogne to Paris
including stops). Eighth, all loose
change in possession OF the passengers
may be safely intrusted to the train
boy, who will deposit it III safe place,
and give you collateral security for the
same. Ninth, no smoking abaft the
shaft. Tenth, please to remember the
porter. Eleventh, when the brakeman
ills his cheek with half an apple, just
cribbed from the train boy, and shouts.
''Owwow wollockalowal-" and
smashes the rest OF it into atoms by
banging the door shut. get off; that is
your station. Twelfth, when you show
You baggage checks to the conductor,
and he says ''donnonoth bout 'tay
task / aggishmast, and hurries on,
put your check back in your pocket
and trust TO luck. Thirteenth, no pas
scager may smoke a fragrant 25-cent
imported cigar anywhere save in the
cat;le car set apart for smoking
room, but he may fill his jaws with
navy plug, and spit all over the whole
train from headlight to rear brake, if
he wishes. Fourteenth, always abuse
the financial and mechanical manage
ment of the road over which you are
travelling to the brakeman; it's ali his
fault that the road isn't run in your in
terest. Fifteenth, passengers will be ear
in mind that the brakeman name is
johnny" never call him anything
else. Inc conductor may be formally
addressed as Say, George or if his
appearance is usually impressive, you
may say Mister Sixteenth, at the
dining-station, the man who at nome
has meat three times week and one hot
meal on Sunday, is expected to growl
at the bill of fare, keep the waiter busy,
swear he is starved to death every time
he goes over that line, gorge his way
through the whole bill of fare twice,
then kick at the bill and rave because
the company doesn't allow its passen-
gers half the time for their meals.
Seventeenth, this is a free country, and
any passenger has right to force his
company upon any helpless stranger,
wade into conversation with him, ask
him a million questions about himself,
his family, his business, his personal
affairs, and may even compel him to
remain awake TO participate in such
conversation. Eighteenth, do not pick
any leaf, flower or shrub. Nineteenth,
at intervals, it is expected that the
poorest whistler in the car will whistle
a tune which he does not know, and
nobody else ever heard. entieth, it
is the earnest desire OF the company
over whose road you now travelling,
that as soon as you hear any other pas
senger whistling, you will toot up a
tuneless melody of your own. This
pleases the passengers who do not
whistle. Twenty-tirst, ''sass" the
brakeman all you can while on the
train. 1t might break your back if you
postponed it until he took his uniform
f.-R. y. Bufdette an Pathfnler Gusde.