Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-05-14
DEAF.
How Peter Daffy was saved From Going
Into the Army.

DEAF.
How Peter DaTy was saved From Going
Into the Army.
During the darker days OF the war,
when its holiday features had given
place to genuine blood and universal
sorrow; when the dazzling uniforms
had been dragged through the mud
and dust of many campaigns, and the
soil OF every southern state had swal-
lowed up the dear dust of brothers ard
sons. and when the roll of drums and
the flash of swords no longer won new
recruits to deaths grim carnival, there
came the draft, with all of the horrors,
but none of the dearly bought glory of
volunteer service.
Peter Duffy. an Irish blacksmith,
with a young wife and large family
Of helpless little children, was among
the first in southern Wisconsin to draw
a sorrowful prize. He felt that he alb
solutely could not 90. He tried every
way to evade the call to certain death,
bnt met with nothing but chagrin, rid
icule and defeat
One day, Hon. james II. Earnest
was speaking in the state senate, when
4 messenger came and told him that q
man outside the senate chamber wished
to see him. Owing TO some misunder-
standing, Mr.. Duff was ushered into the
room. lie had good deal OF hair,
which he allowed to grow in wild pro-
fusion. He did not hold himself re-
sponsible i'll any way for that hair. His
n
that had been turned wrong side out
by 4 cyclone and deserted byits friends
He became the cynosure OF all eyes.
The speech lost its interest and came
TO y close.
Now, Peter, said Mr. Earnest,
whats the matter with you?n
'Sinator, I'm kilt, I'm a cold carpse.
Me wife is wildly They do have me
grated, Jim. There's only half a
moils bechane me and PARADISE. !
want YOU 10 see the President, or Jff
Davis, Or Gineral MickLillan, or some
OF thin byes and save me loife. II We
can't do it, jim, I'm CORN oop, and me
wife is weepin' WILDLY bound for the
poor house bcyant. Hip me out, Sim
ator Pass bill making it iilony on
the hoigh SAFE to graft an Irish orpan
into this gineral massacre. Do that,
jim, and III pray for ye all me loife,
and the Lord knows yon made it, too,
and III do ali yer blacksmithin' at half
proice.
Mr. Earnest thought all those things
were impracticable
Peter, said lie, "you seem to be
elected by an overwhelming majority
and I'm afraid your resignation would
not be accepted Unless you fail 10
pass the medical examination, you'll
have to 90. | guess.
Then Mr.. Duffy thought of some
thing.
"Sinator, TO tell the trooth, | can't
hear very well meself. Whin | was an
apprentice, 4 red mool knocked the
dayloights out of me and impaired me
listener
MIR. Earnest had never noticed this,
but be really didn't want to see Duffy
60. and in the kindness of his. heart he
encouraged the idea Il little. He even
went over to see DR.. Hoyt at Camp
Randall, and while they made some
scientific experiments with lemons and
sugar and spirits, he drew the CONVEX
sation toward MIR Duffy.
The next day Mr. Earnest told Peter
to come down 70 the Park Hotel and
visit him at his room At the appoint
ed hour Senator Earnest produced a
list of questions and told Mr. Duffy
that he would have to answer these
satisfactorily Patiently they set 10
work like a elias; of students who have
secretly secured list OF queries prior
to the day of examination. Every day,
after the legislative session had closed,
Mr.. Earnest would repair to his room
in company with Mr.. Duffy, and they
would go through the rehearsal. Fin
ally, the time for Dufys examination
came, and Senator Earnest had to 90
to Camp Randall to assist A question
would be propoundcd to Peter, and he
would turn with great gravity and
earnestncss 10 Mr.. Earnest, who sat by
him, and ask:
"What do he say Jim?" Then Jim
would bawl the question into Duffy $
off ear. The examination went on first
rate, only that Earnest nearly died
trying to keep straightface. Finally
came the last test, which generally
caught the impostor. DR.. Hoyt turned
with great disgust to the other exam
ming surgeons and said:
Gentlemen, we don't want this
bump on a log. He can't hear any
thing. | think we had better leave the
blankety-blank woodon-head at home,
where his family can attend to him and
see that he don't miss the rcsurree-
tion.n
This was said in a low tone of voice
to catch the unwary Irishman, but
slowly he turned 10 Senator Earnest
and gravely inquired:
''What do he say. Jim?3
Then Earnest, red in the face with
suppressed emotion, beloved into
Dulfy's best car:
THE doctor says YOU can't
hear-anything He thinks --you-
had-better stay here where your
family -call-y our-attcntion
to-the- resurrection. BIZ Nye, IN
Net0 YORK. McrcHr4.