Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1885-09-26
BILL NYE ON ROLLER SKATES.

For long time have evaded the
task of graphing with this great
national question, but now | fear that
/ can escape its responsibility no longer.
Hundreds Of anxious eyes to-day are
watching for the coming man to rise,
fearlessly, and in clarion tones refer to
this matter in terms that can not be
misunderstood.
now express my opinion Of the
roller skating rink, and say fearlessly
that as soon as / entered the arena and
had put on the skates, | was down on
the rink. | was also down on roller
skates. When get roller skates on
it don't take me long to drop on my
self.
After thoroughly investigating the
subject, have fully decided that unless
this great curse of free government
can be wiped out, the whole nation will
be plunged into arnica.
tried on roller skates the latter
part of August, A. d., 1884, and on
the 9th of September | was caught in
the bosom of vigorous cyclone, but
how peaceful and resting the cyclone,
seemed after my matinee at the rink
How the wearied and battered hull OF
humanity that now pens these lines,
cuddled up to the fierce Jamescane!
After | had got down on the rink, ]
got the authorities to come and remove
my skates, l had paid 25 cents to enter
the rink, and when | came away | was
almost tickled to death because the
proprietor did not make me pay
damages for sitting down so hard on
his nice new rink that the floor had
always sagged little ever since.
am having rink designed now for
my own special use next season. 1t is
to be a large structure, and foored
over with half-inch iron plates, on top
of which will be half-inch sheets of
rubber. In the centre there will be a
turn. table, on which | can glide when
l wish to turn around
The skates will be roomy to a fault.
They will be made to order out of con-
demned flat cars. My rink costume
will be unique and attractive, consist
ing of large overcoat stuffed with
curled hair, rubber pantaloons filled
with hay, and woven wire mattress
hustle trimmed with overskirt of the
same. In front | will be protected by
large feather bed cow-catcher held
in place with extension drawheads. /
will then 90 into the rink and run wild.
Regular trains will have to sidetrack
and wait for orders.
Parties desiring to come and witness
my little flat car tournament will de
we'll to wear base ball masks and settle
up their business before they enter the
rink, for | want it understood | am
only novice, | am not accustomed to
ride the roller skates, and my legs are
a little eccentric in their orbits.
The performance will open with a
fiat car promenade to slow music. !
will then enter the rink on my grace
full skates and glide around the turn
table to the music of Strauss waltz
] will next come in and fall down three
times in rapid succession, after which
there will be an intermission of two
weeks for refreshments and change of
scene. When new skin has grown on
the places where / collided with my
new rink, the programme will be again
resumed and carried out from day to
day until it is completed or death
comes to my relief.
Those who know me best, and people
who have noticed my graceful carriage,
say they would go farther to see me
skate than any other professional rink
list they ever saw rink. Many claim
they never saw skater fall down and
hurt himself with more genuine plea
sure.
When | get on roller skates, some
how people lose all interest in the
administration and almost everything
else. People would walk for miles to
see me come out in the rink with my
new costume and kill myself I do
not say this egotistically or to attract
attention to myself, but | say it because
it is true. Friends have come to me
and told me so.
And still there is nameless fascina-
ton about roller skating. Though the
owners of the rink will not allow me
to skate while other people are in the
building, l love to go and watch the
skaters and hold THEN shawls while
they are in repose. | love to buckle
young lady's skates on her fair young
feet love to linger over them and
chat with them-the young ladies, |
mean-and ask them if they are well,
and how their mother is feeling, and if
they don't think we'are having back
ward spring.
l am an easy and very fluent con-
versationalist, having moved into some
of the very best society, and thus
acquired flow of small talk which
the most feeble minded can readily
comprehend,