Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1885-09-21

A new story is entitled 'sThe Editors
Wallet" We have not read it, but we
know it must be very fat.
The young man who wants to get up
with the sun, must not sit up too late
with the daughter.
Doctors may disagree as to which med
icine causes death quickest, but they all
have uniform rates of charging for their
services after the funeral.
A drinking man, upon reading novel
that the heroine's beautiful face ''colored
with pleasure" said "Now I know
what's the matter with my nose"
seThere she blows remarked an old
whaler as his wife commenced to enter
tain some visitors with rather rose-col-
ored reference to her relatives.
The young man who strolled into the
sanctum this morning and remarked that
'dog day weather was serious thing
will not be able to work any more this
fall.
81 know a victim to tobacco" said a
lecturer, "who hasn't tasted food for thir-
ty years. y 'Howd do you know he hasn't?"
asked an auditor. Because tobacco kill
ed him in 1867 was the reply.
''My dear brethren" in this warm, op
drowsiness during the sermon, but do
wish you would try to keep awake while
the collection is being taken up
''Actions speak louder than words, :"
said the blacksmith, suiting the action to
the word by hammering so violently on
his anvil that the book agent who was
bothering him turned off his gas and re-
tired.
1t is heart-rending to notice the eX-
preston on young mans face when he
walks into an ice-cream saloon with just
money enough to pay for two plates, and
hears his girl say, g guess I'll try some
vanilla first
1t is one of the inexplainable things of
moral ethics how people decide so prompt
ly as to how little rain and bad weather
it takes to keep them away from prayer
meeting, and how much is required to
keep them away from good show.
Pat came into camp with goose under
his arm. ''Didn't you know it was against
orders to forage on the enemy? Explain
yourself, said the sergeant. eyes," said
Pat, ''but the goose Kissed at the Ameri-
| can flag, and I tuck him prisoner of
| war;
''Did not the sight Of the boundless blue
sea, bearing on it's bosom the white
winged fleets Of commerce, fill you with
emotion?" "Yes,'' replied the traveller,
''for awhile it did, but after while it
didn't fill me with anything. It sorter
emptied me-"
''My DEAR" says Rather at the tea ta-
BILE, looking up from his evening paper,
s'this French-China trouble looks seri-
ous." eyes," answered Mrs. Rather,
''Bridget broke the handle off the sugar
bowl to-day, but didn't think you would
notice it so soon.''
''Ever had a cyclone here?'' asked
Kansas man who was visiting country
aunt in the East. ga cyclone? oh, yes,''
said his aunt. 'tDeacon Browns son
brought one from Boston spell ago,
but law. he couldn't ride it, Tumbled
off every time he tried"
''Para, do you think our preacher
writes his own sermons?" II have no
reason to doubt it, my son; why should
your" ''Why, pears to me that if he
wrote 'em he'd know enough about 'em
to take his eyes off the paper once in a
while when he reads.
An lrishman tried to shoot a sparrow
with very old musket. He fired.-The
bird with chirp or two, flew away, un-
concerned, in the foreground, and Pat
was swiftly laid on his back. Picking
himself up and shaking his fist at the
bird, he exclaimed: ''Be jabers, ye would
not have chirruped if ye had been at this
ind of the gun!''
Culprit t-.'Yes sab, tuck de chicken
| was gwinter make some chicken pie,
and | tuck de cook book and read de di-
recshuns, an hit says: Take one chick
en- 1t don't say buy one chicken, or bor-
row one chicken, but 1t says take one
chicken. 1t don't say whose chicken ter
take, SO | just tuck de fust one could
lay my hands on. Ifolered de direcshuns
sab, in de book