Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-04-16
WIT AND HUMoR.

l-cent duue.
A vegetarian writes: .Immorality
turks in mutton-chops, brutality in
beef, perverseness in poultry, and vii
lany in veal. Same at our boarding.
house. - 1rarelers' Magazine.
A New Jersey man wants divorce
because his wife hasn't spoken to him
for nearly two years. Some men don'i
know when they are well off.-Hc,1-
pecked Editor Norristown Herald.
.'Ah! you fatter me- lisped dude
to pretty girl with whom he was con-
yersing. mo, don't" was the re-
ply. "You couldn't be any iiatter than
you are. Huntington Free Press.
To write for all time is the ambition
of every author. The man who origin
ated the series of negro-minstrel Jokes
is the only one up to date who has ap-
parently succeeded in his endeavor.
Hon. Charles Carroll, of Shawnee
town, has our thanks for a a neat and
well-executed check. We transferred
it into bacon, and are transferring the
bacon into Drawn and brains. Benton
| (Ri.) Herald.
A little Williamstown girl had the
whoopin-cough. and when she recover
ed from it she said she was glad she
didn't die while she had the whooping-
cough, because "God would not like to
have little coughing angels.
At a .ecent lecture delivered in a
Massachusetts town Anna Dickinson
audience consisted of one auditor and
that dude. Anna said it paid. Oh
course it did; how was it to get in if ii
didn't payp- Yonkers Statesman.
mo interruption of business on &C.
count of the weather is the motto q
Kalamazoo hen nailed above her nest,
and when the mercury was 80 degrees
below zero she came off with brood
of young chickens. Detroit (5ffch. }
Post
'.What amused me most at the op-
era" said an Arab Chief who had been
taken to hear Faust, .swas one of the
musicians in the orchestra, seated lit
tie higher than the rest, who performed
on an invisible instrument with a
stick.
In a recent breach of promise suit
the ''course of true love" was traced in
this manner: Dear Mr.. Smith, = .My
darling john" MY own darling
John" ..My darling John,'' Dear
John, Dear Sir, y Sir" and all was
over.
The Lowell Times notes the fact that
the Civil War broke out and roller
skates were invented the same year.
This is true, but the war did its worst
and stopped in four years, while roller
skates continue to plumber and murder
even up to this time. Boston Post.
Robinson Cat the window)-Hullo
There goes that woman Browns Sc
dead sweet on! Mrs. r. crushing ur
with excitemenD - Where? = whop =
wherep What, Mat--in the gray
Why, George, how ridiculous you are
That's his wife! Robinson Exactly,
my dear!-P Punch.
An Irishmen, recently over, entered
barber shop in Main street, Danbury,
Friday for shave. After the barber
was through he asked the customary
question: ''Have bay rum, sir?" mo,
sor-the fact is, sor, I've just had a
glass of beer. an don't loike mixin'
drinks. '-HarJord Times.
Examiner-..Now if were to give
fifty marbles in charge of this bow
| Indicating the biggest, sto divide
equally amongst you, how many would
you each receiver Small boy (of ex.
| perience)-"Please, sir, we shouldn't
get none at all; cause he'd collar them
all hisself. London Punch.
II see,n remarked Farmer Hoedowr
| of Hackensack to his wife the other day
as he was reading his morning paper,
''that Prof. Foilem of London SAYS
| fencin' is healthy exercise for girls
| Now that's what / told Melindy and
Mary Jane when we was laying thai
| thousand-rod worm-fence last fall"
The following order for a block o.
teeth has been received by dentist o.
| Triangle, N. Y: my mouth is three
inches acrost, / inches through the
jaw; some humocky on the edge
shaped like horseshoe, toe forward
IT you want me to be more partik'lar
shell hav Ia cum thar. Yours truly
-n
whats that you have in your
hand?" asked Mrs. Gimlet of her hus.
band as he brought home aroll of man
| uscript. brains, madam replied
Mr.. Gimlet pompously. .Are you sur.
| prised at that factp" mot in the
least" she replied. II knew you
didn't carry them in your head. IN.
T. Graphic.
Schulze--.Hast thou already from
the paper heard in regard to thy to il
sent communication" Mueller 81
received yesterday letter from the ed
itor, in which he to me his thanks ex.
pressed" Schulze--s'Then congratu-
| late /; but let me see, what writes he
| then?" Mueller-..T Thankfully return
| ed. Omnibus.
A tramp stopped at house in the
suburbs of Houston and said to the lady
of the house: please givea poor man
who is travelling and who is far away
from home trifle to help pay his ex-
| penses. If you haven't got any
money to pay your expenses, why dc
you travel?"she asked in establishment.
TEXAS SYtings.
Yes, yes, my son, | know. Sunday
school lemonade is awfully thin. But
it isn't half SO thin as the jokes that are
made about it. That way out, please.
Straight TO the right; mind the step,
it's rather dark. All. there he goes
down the elevator we'll Another good
humorist gone wrong. -Basrdette in
Brooklyn Eagle.
There is at least one uptown man
who hasn't forgotten his New Years
| resolutions. He was observed at late
or early-hour, holding an earnest
argument with tobacconist's sign,
and was heard to close the discussion
with the remark: II tell yous sno ush;
| shworeoff smok'n aand drink'n lash
New Yearshr' Shoe and Leather Re.
porter.
Parson Houghton, of Dallas. has q
little son who is decidedly precocious.
Yesterday, Mrs. Houghton said to the
boy, who is 6 years old: "Your father
brought you home such a nice little
drum for present, and you never even
kissed him for it" What are you
thinking about ma?n replied the boy,
I'VE never kiss each other. ~ Te1as
| .Sttiags.
A Northern contractor grading q
railroad in the South had considerable
trouble with his negro laborers and
complained to friend of their slow.
ness. Discharge the leader of the
gang" said the latter, land get you a
man who can sing lively songs II
was done, and the design had the de
sired effect, the negroes picks and