The Florida agriculturist. [volume] (DeLand, Fla.) 1878-1911, 1885-03-25
VARIETIES.

Hello, smith, had merry
christmas? Smith: Oh, yes; wife
eioPeo, KID run over, t'other one lost,
had my pocket picked on Christmas eve,
and the bailiffs are in the house!
You didn't laugh at my stupidity be-
tore we were married. You always said
was duck of lover" eyes, that's
so,' replied the wife, "but duck of a
duck OF lover is always sure to make a
goose OF husband"
Judge-"The sentence of the Court is
that the prisoner be confined in State
Prison for the remainder of his natural
lie" Prisoner-"But, your Honor"
Judge-"Not another word, sir, or I'll
give you four years more"
"Din we ken what they're sayin' ?"
asked blushing Scotch lassie of her
backward wooer. "No; what is it?"
They're sayin' we're going to get mar
ried." Are they? Well cheat them,"
paled in the fair Caledonian's cheeks.
Stern parent-Here, my son, what is
this; you were not at school all last
week? Astonished boy-How do you
know? Indignant father-Your teacher
Wrathful papa-No, not once. Trium-
plant boy-Then how does he know l
wasn't there.
what is repentance?" queried the
Sunday school teacher ''To be sorry
for doing wrong" said the good boy
"Were you ever sorry for anything you
did," "Yes'm," said the bad boy.
"What made you sorry? ?" "Great Je
hoshaphat Wasn't you ever spanked?"
-NeWmdn Independent.
''Now, Johnnie said the teacher,
''if your father borrows 800 and prom
Uses to pay $40 week, how much will
he owe in seven weeks Pr "One hun
dred dollars" said Johnnie. "I'm
afraid you don't know your lesson very
WE'LL" remarked the teacher. 81 may
not know my lesson very WE'LL" Johnnie
frankly acknowledged; ''but / know my
father. ''-New York Times.
A travelling man, noticing a pretty
girl alone in the car, went over to her
and smilingly asked: SIS this seat en-
gagged, Miss'' "No, sir, but am, and
he is going to get on at the next station"
Oh-ah--indeed-- par
don'-and he picked up his feet, after
stumbling over them, and went into the
smoking car to be alone a while.
A Galveston mendicant was in the
lawyer and receiving small sum on ac-
count of former acquaintance. Last
week the mendicant called as usual, but
the lawyer said: can't assist you any
longer, as I've got wife now, and need
all the money l can lay my hands on"
"Well, now that's coming it just a lit
tie too strong. Here you actually go and
get married at my expense"
A policeman leaned over the area rail-
ing, and addressing Bridget, who was at
that moment engaged in shifting an ash
barrel, observed: Bridget, me dar-
lint, the loight av yor Dyes makes the
dawn same loike darkness" "Thim's
the very wurruds that yer sapayrior Off
Ger, the Sargint sphoke to me. | sup
pose it's a part av the discipline av the
fource."
Smithers, telling of some OF his trials,
said he had been shipwrecked once, burn
ed out twice, had been obliged to pay the
notes of three of his friends for whom he
had endorsed had fallen through holein
the pavement and broken his leg, and ar
rested on the morning of his marriage for
debt he did not owe; but all these evils
he bore without murmuring. The great
trial of his life was, that his wife would
not let him smoke in the drawing-room.
"Seizing the gigantic Indian around
the waist, the brave boy lifted him into
the air and flung him headlong down the
chasm. Painting, the boy stood, and
watched the Indians body fall from
crag to crag until it disappeared in the
darkness below. Just at this moment"
the father of the boy who was read
ing this trash, came along, lifted the
youngster bv the ear, and in the wood
Shed matinee that followed the boy had
no thought of fiinging the old man down
chasm. There was no chasm handy
Waits.
He was married man, blessed-or
the opposite, as the reader may deter
mine-with an extremely jealous wife.
One evening, not long since, he seized a
chance opportunity to do escort to a
charming miss of sweet sixteen, whose
blue ewes and dark dropping lashes eX-
ercised glamour over every man who
happened to come within range of their
charm. At last her home was reached,
and as they paused at the gate the
maiden turned her lovely orbs full upon
him and said: "I'm so grateful for your
kindness, sir! Don't mention it,
beg OF youl y he calculated CALAMITY.
Very likely the unsophisticated maiden
misunderstood the motive OF his remark,
for she quickly answered, in reassuring
tone: ooh. certainly won't, sir, as long
as l live, ii you don't wish me to-!