Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-02-05
WIT AND HJMOIs.

What is the difference between the
proprietor Of a cattle train and 3. sea
captain? One ships his steers and the
other steers his ship. Hence these
steers
When barn burns in Indiana there
Is always some smart young around
to throw an old bone and a half a doz-
en- buttons among the ruins. and
''terrible mystery IS sure to follow
Detroit Free Press.
Sound travels 1,142 feet per second,
and vet when Il man rusheS out of 4
side street and yells after a car has
just passed, the sound never seems to
overtake the car and disturb the day
dream of the conductor.
''What do YOU think of Fielding?n
asked a young lady of recent college
graduate with whom she had been
talking about the early English novel
lists. 20, was the answer. Its i'm
portant, of course, but it doesn't
amount to anything without good bat
ting
A Boston young lady has been pro-
posed to by means of a letter printed
on the Typewriter. Such care to have
it 1egible seems to have been entirely
unnecessary on the part of the young
man. Trust girl to read letter of
proposal at sight even if written liz bad
handwriting.
Mrs. Grundy's latest tells of a young
married lady in New York who, dur
ing a recent fever, insisted upon being
taken to the hospital, although her
own residence is one of the handsom-
est in the city. 1t is explained that
'she wanted to- get rid of her husband
poker parties"
One of the funniest typographical
errors ever made was in recent ex-
change. A reporter, in writing an ac-
count of ball, said that the belle of
the evening ''looked adl fait" The
types put it that she ''looked all feet"
Now neither the lady nor the reporter
is happy.-Prortdence Sunday Star.
All the "Colonels'' in the hotel bust
ness were originally in the regular
army, and in the thickest of the fight
fought bravely for positions in the rear
of the advancing troops. Several were
badly wounded in the back, and one
had the heel shot off his shoe. They
are all so courageous that they go to
bed in the dark.-Hotel Mail.
'Now," said a gentleman to negro
whom he had just employed, Il want
you to come early every morning. /
propose to pay you well, and | want
you to work" Wants me ter work,
yer say?" ''Of course | do" dat
lets me out, den; don't 'iect ter de
pay, an I'd JOS as soon hire out, but I
doan wanter work. Good day, sab. -
AT60nS01O Traveller.
''It's a powerful hard matter for me
to keep my religion" said a church
member to his minister. every time
[ think I've got an everlasting holt on
it something turns up to make me cuss;
SO l am kept on a trOt between the
world and the mourner's bench. This
morning [ lost all the religion [ had
while trying to shoot Tom Green. The
gun wouldn't 90 off and had to cuss."
-ArkanSao0 ITaUeIer.
A lady-a French lady-is showing a
visitor the family portraits in the pic
ture gallery. THAT officer there in
uniform" she says, twas my great
He was as brave
as lion, but one of the most unfortu-
nate of men-he never fought battle
in which he did not have an arm or leg
carried away" Then she adds proud
ly: He took part in twenty-four en-
gagements."
An Irishman who was very near
sighted, about to fight duel, insisted
that he should stand six PAGES nearer
his antagonist than he did to him, and
that they should both fire at the same
time. This beats Sheridan's telling q
fat man who was going to fight a thin
one that the latter's slim figure ought |
TO be chalked on the others portly per-
son, and if the bullet hit him outside
he halk mark it was to 60 for moth
ing Manchester Courier.
Once in the dining-room of the prio
cipal hotel in Amherst. Mass, a table |
girl asked me: HAS any other lady
taken your order?" was obliged to
confess that had not had al opportu-
nifty to give my order to ''any other
lady" A little girl of my acquaintance
whose instincts and training had made
her unusually polite for child, startled
the family by announcing: Mamma,
the swill lady is at the back door" -
Bazar.
"Speakin' of productive soil said
the man from Dakota, ''the half has
not been told. A few weeks ago my
wife said, ''Why, John, [ b'l ieve you've
took to GROWN again I measured
myself, and / hope Gabrielll miss me
at the final roundup if hadn't grown
six inches III two weeks. / couldn't
account for it for some time, till at last
| tumbled to the fact that thar war
holes in my boots, an the internal soil
got in thar and done its work. st.
Pail Herald.
Mr.. Wagner has left on record
quaint story illustrative of the curtness
of the hero of Waterloo. The tutor had
gone to Apsley House to tell the Duke
of house that seemed suitable for the
boys and himself. 1.-The rent is so
much" said Mr.. Wagner. Take it,"