Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1885-02-18
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

get blown up with the country.-INew
York Dial
In Connecticut when man wants
offices for all the members of his family
hey say he's got the "hog cholera."-
Boston Globe.
The perpetual motion problem has
cost $50,000,000, and small boy at
church still remains the nearest ap
proach to solution Puck.
& CENT of 1897 is worth 81. People
who gave their pennies to the poor in
those days are now kicking themselves
for their extravagance.-[B Boston Post.
A LITTLE boy up Main Street received
a tool chest for Christmas gift, and
now his sisters piano stands on three
legs Shippensburg News.
WE said the Friends were noted for
the simplicity of their garb and diction.
The last three words were transformed
into GRUB and doctrine. New Bed
ford Mass.) Standard
A CREASE SPOT can be taken out OF
carpet by applying warm buckwheat
batter, and the batter can be taken out
by cutting hole in the carpet where
the batter was applied.
Mr.. RICHARD was down cellar sorting
potatoes. a friend who called in to see
him, asked if it wasn't hard work to
keep at that work all day. ooh, no."
said he; shut it's great strain on the
judgment. y Harper's Bazaar.
He was playing whist, and taking up
hand bristling with spots and wholly
lacking trumps, he scornfully said:
Bring me cat, will you?" "What
for?" asked his astonished partner.
"Why, want something to play with"
eyes" said the Scissors to the Paste
Pot, "frst there was the Golden Age,
then came the Silver Age, and the
Brazen Age, nowc ONES the MuciI Age"
Whereat the Paste Pot went into con-
vulsions.- Boston Globe.
WHAT name does your husband call
you by?" said bride to friend who
had been married several years; "does
he call you ducFy or loyey? My
darling calls me- ducky." "Does he?
Mine used to call me popsey-wopsey,
but he doesn't use that term now"
"What does he call you, then?" "He
calls me Say, there ."
HUBBY, what were you dreaming
about last night when you said you
would straddle the blind?" "Me?
Strad--Oh, yes, I was dreaming I
was going for horseback ride on a
blind horse" "Oh, I see. That &C
counts for the rest you said. You were
going to ride over and call on your
auntie, weren't you, hubby?'
GEORGE EDWARD DAY writes: Gin
to the silent chamber of the soul Some
times there comes at twilight's chang
ing hour Gray robed Despond, whose
melancholy power Brings all our
thoughts beneath her sad control" It
is highly probable that Mr. Day is tax
payer in some thriving American city
Courier-J ournal.
A TRAMP called upon an inn-keeper
at Bath, Me-, and offered to saw wood in
return for a dinner. Thesaw could not
be found, and the kind hearted land
lord, touched by the strangers grief
thereat, gave him as good dinner as
the house afforded. Soon after he
found his saw where his guest had pre-
viously hidden it.
THE fresh-looking individual had ar
rived quite late at the athletic tourna-
ment, and being ignorant of the order
OF exercises, hastily accosted a by
stander and inquired: "When does the
tug of war Gomez" "When Greek
meets Greek, of course" answered the
bystander, with a classic smile, "ask me
wp-[ Lowell Citizen.
In a certain town in New Hampshire
or havr %x,so Il
offense, one of his brethren was so anx-
ious to clear him that he said to the
Judge, "May it please your honor, I
had dream last night, and saw two
angels who declared the prisoner to be
not guilty" "Very good" returned the
Judge; "cause them to appear as wit
nesses, and I'll swear them. = Harper's
Bazaar.
"How are times?' Every dull indeed,
and it's all owing to the election of
Cleveland" "Nonsense!" "But I tell
you it's so, and I'll bet you $1,000 that
four months from the day of his in
more than half the shops in
Boston will be closed" lincolnshire!
I'll accept your wager, but hold: Four
months from the 4th of March is what?"
Independence Day" stake my hat"
''No; it's too big Boston Budget.
'MAMMA," cried little Freddy as his
mother entered the house. "Mrs. Smith
has been here. She waited a long
time" "Did she? and did you enter
tain her, Freddy" 81 guess so,
t any rate she laughed lots"
''Yes. What did you say to her?"
slots o. things. She asked me how old
was, and when told was 5, just the
same number of years you were older
than papa, | guess she thought it was
real funny. You oughter heard her
laugh. = New York Star.
The family were putting on their
best airs because Juniata's beau was
eating dinner. The old folks were de-
lighted at the way the young man was
making love between the mouthfuls.
When they got to the dessert, he said,
oud enough to be heard all around the
able; You ought to take some angel
lake, you're SO like an angel, and the
lid gentleman had just winked at the
I'D lady and said, ''He's gettin' there"