The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-05-07
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WIT AND HUHIOR.

ia in a recent advertisement in New /,
York paper, which says: "a young b
lady would like position as dish-wash- 7
er in restaurant" Q
A fashion paper says that undress- I
ed kids are the proper things Tor the !,
opera. The Society for the Prevention l
OF Cruelty to Children should see to 1t I
that this does not become a custom.
s.Hello!" said Buckle as he met
Barnacle. Barnacle is particular, and
replied: why don't you say GOOD
morning when you meet gentle
man?" 81 do" answered Buckle
Providence Neecs.
s.Step this way, if you please, ladies,
said the gracious fioor-walker, as he
led off with majestic wave of his hand
I'VE are sorry" said madam; ''but we
never learned to walk that way. =
Tonkers Statesman.
Smith, why don't you get your dia-
monds insured?" said Jones. ''Where
can l do thatP" innocently asked
Smith. ssAt the United States Plate |
Glass Insurance Company, of course,
replied Jones, and GOODNESS has grown
nm between -Pittsbnrg Chront-
TIA man spends cents day, six
aays a week for fifty-two weeks, for to-
baeeo. drinks 2371 quarts of poor beer,
goes to the New England fair on horse
Prot dav and refuses to subscribe to an
agricultural paper, how big mortgage
has he got on his farm?-Green5ietd
(Mass) Country Home.
ssFather, what is a luxury?" asked
little Johnnie the other night as he
L rorrnH tho nartOr
stove. "a luxury? Why. it's some
thing we don't really need. you know
a thing we can do without" "Well,
them" replied the logical youth. what
a luxury a mosquito net must be in
Winter!''-Lye.
A plumber having amasscd fortune
at his trade, abandoned the former oc-
cupaiion and opened drug store. In
six weeks he failed SO fat that be went
to iiail and sent his family to the poor
house. It is thought that his former
occupation had not trained him to
charging high enough prices to succeed
in the drug business. Sunday School
Quarterly.
One of our exchanges from way back
tells how the country choir spent the
time during one of the parson $ long
sermons. Among other things, the al
to laid her head on the basso profundo' S
shoulder and quietly slept for an hour.
She certainly ought to have been put
out, for when the minister looked mp he
caught her mapping OH hrst base
Portland (Me. Press.
stOf the seven newspaper men who
reported Webster's famous address at
she laying of the cornerstone OF Bun
ker Hill monument, Edward Everett
Hale is said to be the only one nov
Gying.'' As Mr.. Hale was only years
old when Webster delivered his speech,
his reportorial work on that occasion
may be set down as phenomenal jour
naiistie feat.-Atlanta Constitution.
There had been some illness in tbs
family, and when a kind-hearted but
snauisitive neighbor asked Johnny wht
had been sick he promptly answered
@.Oh, it's my brother, that's all. ;
ssWhat was the matter with him?'
A.Nuffin, only he was just sick. !" 6
know, but what allied him?' 80,
dunno" "What did he have?" HI
had the Doctor" That closed the in
QUESTION. Christian at Work.
81 wish you would come to see mi
oftener, Charlie,n mnrmnred Claribell
rs they sat in the front parlor trying +
lind out which knew the least. ''Ah
but you know. darling, am here ever
night" "Yes, know that. but wis
you'd come oftener." 'Well, bu
don't you see if did would have t
leave oftener, ha, hap" Yes. tha
was what l said" And then he aske
her if she knew where he had put hi
hat.-Boston Post.
A menial bearing large packag
entered the office of great Housto
daily. ..What's that?" asked the ed
tor. MRS. Smith has written five
act play and she wants You to look ove
it and give her a criticism. She WI
call for it next week. Good morning.
And, lifting the package down from h
shoulder, the menial placed it on tt
table and started for the door. ''Con
back here. You just wait five minute
and then you can take it along wit
you," exclaimed the editor.
lSgttngs.
Jones-"Why, my boy, what's tt
mattera You look ILL" Smith-''Ye
I've had fearful night. Couldn
sleep wink. Don't know what's ii
matter" swell, I know. You a
too hard on your digestive organ
These late suppers are very bad; an
besides, you don't stop there, eithe
What did you have after we parted la
,night?" '.Nothing, except half-do
en- raw 81 thought so. Rememb
hereafter that it's the last raw tn
breaks the camefs back. ."-HhttGd'
phia Call.
81 called to consult you in regard
the Snow and Ice ordinance" he sal
as he took scat in lawyers offie
ssf I fall down on -" '.H you fl
down on an icy walk you can bril-
Eait for damages, of course. 'Ca
eh? And can make the tenant pay
s'Tn guarantee you can" "But Il
Exsa case when some one slipped dov
ON nv sidewalkr' "Ah! see! We
well, sir. Well prove contribute
negligence. and bsat him higher thai
kite! What day is the case set for?''
Detroit Free Press.
Gen. Phelps, who died recently, W
b thorough soldier, and in some respee
eccentric. When Buffers troops 8
rived at Ship Island Gen. Phelps, WI
was already there, in strolling aroul
came across man dressed in red, ba
gy trousers, leggins, lightrblue E1, e,
with tassel on his head. swell, I
man, what part of the show do you
long toe" said Gen. Phelps. "Sho
Why, belong to Kelty's Zouaves,"
piled the soldier. 80, | thought tht
=, was circus here and you were one
the clowns" quietly remarked the Gt
eral.
"These musical criticisms in the da
papers make me tired" remarked
passenger from California; ''they are
high-fown and mysterious and-wl
d'ye call it?-teckneek. 'Phenome
.timbre' is favorite expression W
these linguists, it seems, for they us'
every few lines. Now, if they want
hear a voice of phenomenal timber Il
Gs really phenomenal with big p.
them come out to my cabin in the W
West. hear it by day and night. 6
am used to it, but I'll bet it wo
4f nit