Fort Worth daily gazette. (Fort Worth, Tex.) 1882-1891, 1885-12-03
HIS FIRST LE0TURE.
How Artemus wari Failed IN r,,o. ~.
His House N"

clues,N said Artemus Ward fo me- Syr,,as
4iVNart raul TO the New York worid 81
sIvush. ia take modest turn In Some
oi me towns and villages no tbronsh
NeW ORR state, and settled 10 beuln ~
ou outside place called Goshen. a grsat
cneese aud butter depot. NV aesnt WIS
an auNerusing hend named John p. smith.
Wno STUCK az nothing MS far MS priuter,s
,nN was concerned and was bit OF n ,yao
~ nus way. He promised to do his
ieVel best TO make the lecture sucress
VIZ put up az the principal inn and dis.
flputeu hauul OF free tickets SO as to
DE sure OF a decent crowd In the HAN
wen, everything was in readiness, and M
the last moment sent for Smith. who
was To tend door. | said, "John, feel
suahy ana nervous, and wish, after
the people get In, you'd give mo a hand
now and then 10 start 'em on"
" Leave 1t to me- said smith. encour.
aglngly. I'll fix all that,
AZ the proper time presented mvself
TO the expectant public. was rirre5
out IN white vest aud tie, and looked as
lnsipid as boiled fowl. / didn't get n
hand. Smith was too busy collectlng Inc
tickets TO look after my entrance. va nav
send'oh was not stimulating brgan
my lecture In a slow, measured TOM M
voice, andyog might have heard a cannon.
ball drop or the stealing of n noctr,
handkerchief. At any rate they were I'll
tentiye, | thought SO | let on IN duo
course what [ considered n goo1 into
Ihey didn't take It, | paused, then went
on. BY and by let of another-- same
result, then another, and Smith, who had
got through his ticket collecting and IN.
serted himself among the people, began
TO applaud Justify.
MY experience Of sympathetic city
audiences mad previously suggested that
when some one boldly and bravely leads
on the applause others usually follow,
but at Goshen this habit did not obtain,
a man wei up In front cried, silence,
h-i-s-h!n
"Again | proceeded, and told a story
that many time and oft had related
with screaming success IN private circles.
smith this time set up a terrific guftaw,
stamped and clapped his hands, and
rocked backward aud forward as though
he was utterly overcome by my humor.
The audience were not TO be lured into
following his example,
"'Silencen shouted one.
"'Don't interrupt the speaker howled
another.
"'rurn him outn ropred third.
"And half the audience rose to see who
had caused what they though. an un.
seemly and riotous interruption in the
evenings proceedings. A farmer-looking
man near Smith had thick stick In his
hand and menacing look In his eve.
thought he meant business and would 20
for him. had come to a dead stand
still, and my agent saw his opportunity.
lie leaped on one of the empty chairs and
proceeded to address the audience.
ladies and gentlemen shrlckcd he,
j am free and enlightened citizen OF
this glorious republic, aud claim the
proud privilege OF enjoying Artemus
Wards anecdotes. When ! enjoy any
thing laugh out loud, and when laugh
| make noise. | cast no reflections on
you, my fellow citizens, but IT'S clear 80
me your heads. are too thiak for MIR.
Wards stories TO penetrate. I'--the rest
OF the sentence was lost In the confusion
that followed.
"0ut with him.
"Who is hep
"'Ilil Hi! Pitch him in the pond.'
"'Dry up!'
"Aud hundreds Of similar observations
rent the air. ! pantomimed to Smith TO
withdraw. lie obeycd, and peace being
restored proceeded This episode rath-
er amused me, and ! fell into ms best
vein. | told them anecdote after anec-
dote, story after story, and fired off a
fusilade of crisp and biting Jest II was
no use. could not for the soul OF me
rouse them to any outward expression of
appreciation or enjoyment. Then felt
veXed at last grew whimSically vicious
in my despair. In for penny, IN for
pound, thought /, when | suddenly
stopped, and glaring dedantly at a certain
man IN the audience, / pointed at him
with my index finger, and, looking at my
watch, said
"'Ladies and gentlemce, for three
quarters of an hour have been trying
my hardest To dig Il laugh out OF you. Up
to now | have not succeeded. | don't
wish to be personal, but II that man with
the red hair and long nose doesn't laugh
| shall stop this solcmnity and go aud
hang myself
"Now, mark the provincial mind, -" re-
marked Artemus "rhe audience, who
had passed over some mighty fine
wheezes and few well-crusted Joe Mil
lers, regarded this allusion to the red
haired man with the long nose as tre-
mendous local joke which they
thoroughly understood, and they simply
howled. 1t is true had not calculated
on this combined result OF audaclty
and accident, but felt that the audience
had had something for their money aud
had not left their homes entirely in vain
"The audience rolled out, chattering
away, and my faithful j.. r. Smith stood
at the door To collect opinions.
"'What did they seem to say p ! asked
when we got 10 the hotel, and were total
ing up the receipts.
Say? replied Smith; well,
wouldn't like 20 repeat all heard, but
one man said he guessed you were laugh
ing at them in your sleeve, and that you
were darne1 fraud, anyhow, and gently
insnuated that the next time you visited
Goshen you'd better have your life in
sured Another man said you might be
smart enough for some towns, but you
wasn't mp TO the mark for Goshen
"Here the landlord OF the Buck joined
nc He sppmpd II pood-naturcd man, and