Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1885-05-29
FUN

baugh, meaning, In poetic language, the
fountain of youth; the water of life. !"
Thus spoke a man with long black hair
and stubby beard, as the deputy lifted
him off the police court bench.
1.-The Celtic language is
"Tell US, please, in English. why and
wherefore you were drunk ?'' interrupted
his honor.
''Drunk, sir drunkenness, intoxica-
tion, intemperance; inebriation," said Mr..
Longhair. drunkenness is defined in a
general sense as want Of moderation or
due restraint. 1t arises from the use of
alcoholic or various other stimulants, and
is an agreeable exhilarat1on which is tran
sient-''
''Have the kindness to state if you were
drunk" interposed the Judge.
''The alcohol acts directly on the ante
rior cerebral hemispheres of the brain,
which, according to the theory of Gall
and Spurzheim, is compound organ hav-
ing parts connected with special facili-
ties-''
"Gall dingedl Were you drunk or
not ?' bowled his honor.
ut acts directly on the sensor and
motor nerves.
''I'll act on you blamed quick if you
don't tell me if you are guilty or not
guilty." and his honor clutched nervously
at an inkstand.
Guilty, sir, defined correctly, means
sense of having wronged some sense or
persons. Now, let me divide it into
heads-''
eff you don't tell me in two seconds
and in plain language, if you were drunk
or not, I'll send you up for life," lmpas-
sionateIy said his honor.
81 admit
zone ~
81 was drunk, and billing drunk, too, if
that1l suit you" angrilY answered Long
hair.
NINETY days, my learned doctor, ninety
days" And as he went out he threw such
words as medulla oblongata, ceEebellum,
p0ns vario.i and dura mater at the stun
ned deputy, who kicked him down stairs
for spite.-C5n. Times Star
He WAS WAITING.-A good old Ken
lucky Democrat, who had been waiting
twenty five years for postofice, owns
fine dog, Which is his constant companion.
The other day the dog had been having a
run in the sunshine and was resting on
the porch with his tongue hanging out
'That's boss dog,'' said travelling
man who had been selling the old man
bill of goods.
you're right he is," said the old man
proudly.
What makes him stick his 10 lgue out
that way ?''
"Poitics. ;"
"PolitIcs? Hoy?''
"Why, sir, that dog knows Cleveland is
elected, and he knows l want a postoffiee,
ard he's got his tongue out ready to begin
licking the stamps"
ON THE IlJSTRUCTION.-As sharp boy
at commercial college had addressed
letter to firm as "Gents.''
"Yaa mustn t do that, =" said the instruc-
Tor.
why not ?" asked the boy.
'Because Gents is vulgar. Don't you
know that invitations to negro balls are
always addressed that way.''
"Well, no; 1 never got one, - replied the
boy. with such significance that the in
structor blushed and hurried On to the
next desk.
"Who's dead in your family, Editor
Smith ?'' Nobody" Smith replied.
"What have you Grape on your door for?''
II haven't" ''You have'' Mr.. Smith
went to the front door and discovered that
the devil had hung the Office towel on the
knob while he chased lame pigeon up
the alley
For a little lady of two and half years
this will do:
She had picked up cane in the corner
OF the room and was playing with it-a
plain stick bent at the end. Papa asked
what are you doing with the cane ?''
sit isn't cane.''
"What is it, then 20
ut is an umbrella without anv clothes
on,'
Schulze-'fHast thou already from the
paper heard in regard to thy to it sent
sent communication 7" Mueller--s.I re.
ceived yesterday letter from the editor
in which he to me his thanks expressed ,,
Schulze-'Then congratulate I; but let
me see, what writes he then 2" Mueller
"Thankfully returned"
Emerson says: ''All the world loves .
lover.'' That may be true, but wide oh.
serSation has taught US that the love of
all the world doesn't make the lover any
more contented so long as one little snip
OF seventeen-year-old girl says that she
can be to him only as sister.
Robinson lat the window)-Hulio
There goes that woman Browns 50 dead
sweet on! Mrs. r. Crushing up with ex-
citement) - Where p who p where
What. that-in the gray-Why. GEORGE
how ridiculous you are! That's his wife
Robinson-Exactly. my dear!
Frau-"But, August, why lookest Won
to me SO sharply at ?" Husband-sI was
looking only to know how earlier in Won
so much beauty found"
In recent breach of promise suit the
"course of true love- was traced in this
manner: 'Dear Mr.. Smith, ""My darling
john" 'My own darling JOHN" ssMy
darling John" "Dear John" Dear sir.n
"Sir," and all was over.