The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-02-20
VOL. XXX---NO. 8.
VARIETIES.

Woman is called mans best friend, prob
ably because she often gets the best of him.
TO hit sleepy worshipper on the head
with contribution box is merely bump of
benevolence.
-"No," she said sweetly, Il don't object to
the smell of cigar. It's the smell of the
smoke don't like"
"A sign down town reads: Else Kream
Sallune," which is positively the worst cold
spell of the season.
Don't give it weigh" said the coal
dealer to his clerk, as he drove out of his
yard with light ton.
Teach your children to say, How do you
do?" or good morning" TO everybody with
whom they are acquainted.
When young man walks with a girl as
though he is afraid some one would see him,
the girl is his sister, if he walks so close to
her as to nearly crowd her against the fence,
she is some one else's sister.
Makes no difference how smart de mud
der and fodder is, some o. de chillun will be
smarter than de udders," says Opie Read.
Makes no difference how rich de groun',
some o. de con stalks is taller dan the rest"
-"Are you having much practice now ?'
asked an old judge of young lawyer. "Yes,
sir, good deal, thank you" "Ah, am glad
to hear it. In what line is your practice, par
tcuarly?" "Well, sir, particularly in econo-
my"
Eyes," said an enthusiastic Western adj
mirer of Mr.. Robert Ingersoll, che spoke once
in this town, and at the conclusion of his
lecture thirteen guns were fired" "Isit pos
sble!" was the surprised response; "and not
one of 'em brought him DOWN."
"A Brooklyn young man is quite "gone"
on Hamlet" Reading it to the girl of his
heart last week he came to the passage: "Or
if thou wilt marry, marry fool" as that
proposal, DEAR" she asked. "Yes, darling"
he replied. And they settled it there and then.
Mrs. Homespun.-"And how is the pa
tient, doctor?" Doctor-"He is convalescing,
beyond doubt"-" mercy, he isn't so bad as
that, is hep" doctor completing his SEN
tence)-"But he isn't convalescing very fast"
Mrs. Homespun-"Well, there's some COM
fort in that"
-"Yes, brethren" says the clergyman who
is preaching the funeral sermon, "our deceas-
ed brother was cut down in single night
torn from the arms of his loving wife who is
left disconsolate widow at the early age of
twenty.four years." twenty-five, if you
please" sobs the widow in the front pew,
emerging from her handkerchief for an in
slant.
"A Little Rock man sold his cooking stove
to get money enough to take his family to the
circus. When one of his friends remonstrat-
ed with him. he said; ave had no use for the
stove. Had nothing to cook" but why
didn't you buy something to eat with the
money you got for the stove?" "Then we
should have had nothing to cook it on. Don't
talk to me. I'm a philosopher"
-"Well Mr.. Slickers," said the doctor toa
patient he had not seen the day before, show
are you getting along?" NEARLY starved to
death" why, didn't you have oysters?"
mo, l couldn't get them the way you said,
and l was afraid it would be dangerous to eat
them any other way" why that's odd,
Couldn't get stewed oysters? told you you
could eat sewed oysters with impunity."
"That's just it, l could get the stewed oys-
tiers easy enough but sent to all the restau-
rants in the neighborhood for the impunity,
and the blazed fools said they never had such
a thing on the bill of fare"
Bill Snivery belongs to very aristocrat-
ic but somewhat impoverished Galveston
family Bill has very distinguished manners,
and it is generally believed that he is looking
around for wealthy wife. He returned to
Galveston recently from trip to Houston,
where he became engaged to lady. The
next day after he returned, lie showed the
picture of his intended to Aunt Dinah. an old
family servant. The photograph represented
a rather elderly female of most forbidding as.
pect. well, Aunt Dnah, what do you
think of my intended wife ?" The old serv-
ant looked at the photograph, shook her head
and replied: "She mus hab heap O. money"