The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1885-08-06
THE MERRY SIDE! :!

is dead.
"The world Is growing worse!" declares the
despondent man. Yes, part of it is.
DIR. Leonard has sounded his keynote. He's
now waiting and listening for the echo.
The Democrat loves these new Democratic
times. 1t makes him hungry to think of them.
The owls don't build in the furnace-stacks
any more. It's too lonesome. They hoot at
the idea.
AT Bolivar, Tennessee, a darkey and mule
were struck by lightning. Strange to say, both
We're killed.
Sigh of the Democrat: "If this is what were
doing for the country, we don't want any more
of us"
There are even Mugwumps among the birds.
At Scoto Furnace, a turkey gobbler is sitting
upon nest of pea-fowl eggs.
Gen. Hazen, Chief Signal Officer, has gone on
visit. He despaired doing anything with this
weather, and lit out
They are boring for "natural gas" in Spring
field. This has no bearing on the Prohibition
candidate for Governor.
The country papers of the South villify the
memory of Grant. The worm cannot forgive
the heel which broke its back.
Hoadly had to mention Grant in his procia-
nation, although he lodged God entirely in
his Thanksgiving proclamation.
Ella Belle Jenkins, of Gallipolis, is bound to
go. She has tried both drowning and poison
Gallipolis has doggery located between a
tombstone factory and undertaking shop.
Could anything be more appropriate?
We should not be discouraged over Demo-
cratic triumph. The same Providence which
permits it sent the lice upon Egypt.
We think the Democrats going TO give us
a revival in business. AT least there are a good
many business men at the mourner's BENCH
-**
A headline in the Commercial Gazette says:
GA Stepmother at The Bottom of The Case!"
Many a small boy knows what that means.
It's heroic test of courage to pick blaclxber-
ries and carry two three miles, to sell for f1f-
teen cents gallon, with the thermometer at
one hundred.
The boys learn young. A little boy rejoicing
in his first suspenders, remarked, he tested
their elasticity: "Why, they stretch like DEM
ocratic principle!"
1t is reported that Ell Mahdi and his Lieuten-
ant, Oliver Pain, are both dead. 1t will there
fore be safe for Wolsely to go back and look
after British interests.
A little girl at Batavia, Ohio, was bitten by
copperhead. The varmints are thick. There
has been a good deal of kissing since Gen.
Grants death.
Democratic friend, please don't say to us that
Gen. Grants life was failure in any particu
lar. Yon'd give your bottom dollar if you could
think so.
John Gasgner, of Cincinnati, killed himself
in a ravine, near Avondale. His family went
back on him, and rather than become pauper
he became gutter-snipe.
ga Texas man offered to furnish the Czar of
Russia with hundred cowboys, in case of a
war with England"' says an exchange. Just as
though the beef-eaters would be afraid of cow
boys!
DIR. Bliss has written letter urging that Gen.
Grant be buried in Washington. Well, New
York will be about as near to Washington as
Bliss was, in his mind, to the bullet in Gar
fields body.
The snake liar is at present farming near Elk
hart, Indiana. He had COW bitten by snake,
chased the snake to its den,- and killed it with
dynamite. 1t measured seventeen feet long.
Two Lancaster ladies were badly frightened
by blacksnake, which became entangled in q
buggy-wheel, while they were driving. We
would remove out of County where even the
buggy wheels get snakes.
Willie Sprague has married the sister of his
fathers second wife, and thus father and son
became brothers-in-law. Gov. Sprague's second
wife was formerly Mrs. Frank Calvert.
Gen. Sherman 'regrets that Gen Grant did
not write his book fifteen or twenty years ago."
And Gen. Sherman's admirers have always re-
gretted that he ever wrote his at all.
When the Ohio Democrat talks about "bury-
ing the bloody Shirt" he is thinking of the
garment he soiled at sight of the army blue.
Whew! Can you blame him?
At the little town of Nashville, near Millers-
burg, Ohio, somebody robbed the Mayors Of
flee. They're trying to catch the thief to put
him into the lunatic asylum.
Possibly it was feeling of military rivalry
which prompted Hoadly to ignore Grants
death so long. Grant captured the James, but
it took Hoadly to scoop the Hock-Hocking.
An old bachelor says the reason women are
more successful with type-writers than men, is
that a woman can crowd three times many
words into given space a man can.
The Democratic party is never in a hurry
about State Convention. 1t delays appearing
before the people as long as possible. 1t would
in fact be better if it didn't appear at all
An old lady at Richmond Indiana, is dying
from cat-bite. This will still further depress
business. Once start the story that cats are
poisonous, and there won't be half the bologna
eaten that Is consumed now.
10. Moore is now No Moore. 10. lived at
Massillon, and got drunk and abused his fam
lily, when Joseph Messenger, his brother-in-law,
took spade and hit him on the head. Moore
"turned down" when Messenger "made it'' a
spade.
The Democratic statesman delights in the
past. The times of Thomas Jefferson and An
drew Jackson are his especial delight. But the
Republican must not speak of the past, because
there will loom up very serious Democratic
blunder to speak of.
Perhaps our Democratic friends would favor
us again this fall with procession having that
scene presented in Allen campaign, a few years
ago: A young woman carrying long hickory
pole, on top of which was a framed banner,
bearing the inscription "More Greenbacks and
Less Punch" The Democratic times have
come.
A gentleman was, one day in the
old coaching times, travelling by a
coach which moved at a very slow
pace. Pray" said he to the guard,