Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-12-23

Dts OF Humorous Wisdom Copeocied FOR
His San frsnriscs Lecture.

Dts OF Humorous Wisdom copcoc'ed FOR
His San FrsnrIscs Lecture.
Gon't propose to speak of the lost
arts. nor Of the rise aud fall of the Ro-
man Empire, nor Of the probable pur.
chase Of Great Britain by Blaine. nor Of
the Chinese question, nor why the eight
spot always takes the seven. The Amer
leans are curious people. They pre-
fer turpentine to sweet oil II they ara
obliged to take either. II you have to
tickle or convincs an American you have
to do it quick. Cunning men are like
handsaws, they have teeth only on ono
side. Coquettes make poorer wives
than prudes do, but there arc better
women than either of them. There Is no
sure cure for lsxiness, but I have known
second wife to hurry it some. II had
seventy-tive children I'd learn sixty Of
'em to- shut door. aud wouldn't care
what the other fifteen did. The strong
est emotion the crab has is TO bite. They
amt afraid to bite an Assessor. Grabs
are billed in q pot, about two bushels OF
'em, until they stop biting, and then
they are thought to be done. They bite
with their feet and hang on like coun-
try cousin. The mosquito has learned
to bite They bite with their nose. We
have been taught that nothing was
made ia vain, but think that IL ever
mosquitoes. They were born of poor
but industrious parents, but they have
the best blood Of the coutry in their
veins. 1t is easy to kill mosquisto II
you hit him on tho right spot. They
are very courageous insect. I've
known mosquito to fight = man and
his wife all night and then draw the first
blood. Flies. morally considered. are
like good many other people. They
won't light on q good, healthy spot II
they can find raw one.
Human happiness Is like . wandering
flea. Whom you put your finger on him
he don't seem to DO there, and when
you follow him to where he really 10 he
don't seem to be there also. The
best way to be happy is not to want
anything until you get II. Pudding and
milk are good to be happy on, but too
much pudding and milk will worry one.
A miser in tho midst of his wealth is
like fly that has fallen into quart Of
molasses. A man who can wear q pa
per collar for week and keep It clean
isn't of much account. There Is more
vanity in handsome man than in .
peck of peacock feathers. Ihavs known
men so pious that when they went out
fishing on Sunday they prayed for
good luck. The time to be carefulest is
when you have handful Of trumps. A
busy body is like an old cheese--full of
little things. We have been told that
an honest man is tho noblest work Of
God. The demand for the work has
been so great that have thought that 4
large portion of the original must still DO
in the hands of the Creator. When
was boy always considered whist
ling to be the next bost thing 70 tai
low-candle to 60 down into dark eel
lar with.
Neatness Is virtue, but sometimes IL
is carried too far. have seen neat
matron chase lone fly from off wall
before it had chance to take q breath.
Patience is not moro Of virtue than
cold feet. Napoleon Is said to have
been patient man, but he never taught
sdistrict school At seven dollars month.
I've seen boys brought up like lap-dog
and strike into the bad path as soon ~
they could find 1t. Then, again, I've
seen 'em picked up in the gutter. and
they washed out like diamonds. There's
no certain rule that works we'll about
boys. Love is like the measles. We
can't have it bad but once, and the later
we have it in life the worse it is. When
a man gets to going down hill it seem.
as though everything was CREASED for
the occasion. A mouse nibbling In the
night knocks the death out Of silence.
They can livn anywhere except in
church. They fat very slow in church.
This shows that mouse can not live
any more on religion than minister
can. Poodles are good for feas. III
was called to mourn over dead mule
I'd do my mourning in front Of him. "
San Franci1o Examiner.