The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1885-10-04
THE GRUMBLER AND THE '.HONORABLES.

THE GRUMBLER AND THE "HON0RABLES."
"The rank is but the guinea's stamp."-Burns.
''Then there is another thing that don't
like, and that no sensible man can endure with
out remonstrance" said The Grumbler. half
closing his eyes and gripping his mouth.
''Why, what's the matter now9" came from The
Philosopher and The Poet together.
"Well, it's just this: I'm everlastnely tired
of this Honorable nonsense It's got to be that
every other man you meet is 'HonA or Judge
or Colonel The papers are full of it. man
can't be billed for ten-cent speech on How to
Treat Mango in Horses or The Scientific Way
to Prepare Catnip Tea. unless it is Hon. So-and-'
So. And colonels!-why, colonies are commoner
than fine combs"
The Poet couldn't see how it could be helped,
nor how the Objectionable practice could be
abolished The Philosopher thought that they
would better grin and bear it; it might afford
satisfaction to certain kinds of men, and polite
talk was as cheap as any other kind and deal
pleasanter.
80, of course, you would just edge along
through the world and never move even the
smallest peg from the hole you found it in
You'll live out your time in an easy, happy 60
lucky fashion, and there won't be a ripple when
you die not ripple. So far as you care to do
anything, the world will find things exactly as
they were and where they when you
born. To tell you the wholesome truth, am
Disguised with your apathy. You pretend to be
happy and to enjoy life, when in point of fact
you don't know what real fun is, nor what salts
faction there is in ripping up things once in
awhile"
The Philosopher gave signs of being about to
| make reply, but evidently changed his mind and
remained quiet. The Poet said, afterwards, that
he realized the great advantage of every man
having cyclone pit handy in case of emergency.
The Grumber eyed the two loftly for a
moment, and then went on: mo, sir; if had
my way about it I would abolish the whole
thing 1t came to us from England; but what
little dignity and responsibility it had has long
since been stripped from it. There are ''honora
bles" there, honorable men and honorable
women. but they came by it regularly, and the
woods are full of them. The meaning of the
title therefor it is title as much as marquis"
(which the Grumbler pronounced ''markee"
with sneer-"is significant. don't say that
it means anything great or worth having but
when a fellow gets it, he knows what it is.
''How is it here2" he continued. growing
trife excited. ''You know, as we'll as l do. that
there isn't living white man in the State of In
diana who can't have it for the asking It'll like
the measles, almost, for everybody is in danger
of taking it, but, unlike the measles, you never
get rid of it.
Had narrow escape myself once"
His two friends looked their incredulity
''Well, but I did, though" he growled con-
temptuously. ut was shortly after got out of
college. 1 had endured the usual "A B. and "A
M stuff with commendable resignation, since no
one attempted these outrages on me but college
boys, to whom these letters mean moro than
f. K. G. S. or r.. S. V. p or whatever the
cabalistic arrangement is that tails out the name
of English writer's science. / say endured
that without a murmur though always took
pains to destroy the envelopes of such letters as
bore them. But one day got letter from
toot of preacher-graduate of course-who in
considerably tackled on Hon That settled it.
just set aside day for swearing, and put
nv whole soul into it. L never answered that
letter in any manner / doubt if that man can
atone for the wickedness he provoked if he were
to live hundred years longer and pray unceas-
| ingiy would feel like killing the next man
! that attempted it.
''Then there's that other senseless custom of
clubbing Judge simply because, in the
near remote past, he may have presided over
court and Doctor after he has studied medi-
cine Man called me Doctor once when was
fooling around medical college contemplating
the ACCESSIBILITY of studying medicine. That was
| a little too much; got out of there in a hurry
| and never went back.
| "There is no more sense in calling a man
| Doctor This or Doctor That because he is
doctor, than there is in calling John Schmidt
| Butcher Schmidt because he happens to be one,
| or to call you-turning to the poet-'Poet Some
body. And how would you like it, 'interrogating
the other of the trio ito be saluted Good morn
| ing, Philosopher
The Philosopher and The Poet both showed
plainly that they would not like anything of the
| kind
mo. of course, you wouldn't no sensible man
would stand it il he thought seriously about it
This practice is distinctly Americar-at least it
it is not English, for in that country few ply
| sicians are allowed to take the name of doctor
| and fewer addressed by that title. / am
glad" said The Grumbler, grimly, that this