The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-12-10
WIT AND HUMoK.
IN THEEBAw,


I'm the red-handed ogre OF Mspdalay.
Save when I'm Ill and my mood 10 mild
When clay woman. or else 9 child:
My claws are Ike those of the beasts OWE.
I'm a wolf in c.othes on rocking throne,
I'm a tawny brute with taste for hood
And great contempt for the threatening Lns
Let him come with hIs troops; win sat then
raw.
I'm hungry and ugly, I'm Old Theeba3,
OF Rurmah;
With deiirium tremens I'm sunerfn't
The mule has ono more leg than =
milking-stool. and he can stand on one
and wave the other three round in as
many different directions. Chicago SEN.
Guest at the Intervaie House e
waitress: ''Nut-craekers, please
Waitress, returning with plate OF sode@
crackers: This IS the only kind sc
have, ma'am." (Fact) NeI0 York. Posf
The sporting fraternity, have grows
so respectable of late that q young
lady whose father is in the RnderfakiH6
business now speaks of her parent e
. professional Decentralization IrdH~
scrtpt
A Worcester County woman who's
husband is dentist engaged man g
saw wood for her, and when the FOB
was done told him she hadn't got any
change, but the doctor would pull
tooth for him for nothing some tims.--
Boston Transcript.
Rome. Ga, is great city for mills
tary titles. By actual count there efs
sixty-two Generals, Colonies, Majors
and Captains. Not single privale )
known to be within the city limifz
Columbus (GG.) Enquirer.
A female school-teacher living at
Lodi wrote to the Superintendent q
Butte County for position. and mot-
estly asked the Superintendent 4. Ia
case there were no vacancies, he would
kindly assist her in ousting some cid
fossil, San Francisco Aftd.
And did you tamely stand by and
permit Smith TO call you liar and &
cowardP" Not much, didn't. I'm
not that kind of a man. What did
you doP" II hurried of and saw my
lawyer. I've got three witnesses, and
the case comes up to-day. "-NesO loTk
Times.
81 attended two theatres the first
night was in New York, wrote 9
rural buck 10 his fond parents, ..and
three balls thes.next Had glorious
time the first. and only got % on my
watch the next" The unsophizticatsd
old people are still wondering, what
he acknowledgement kepEbkeos.
Once there was q hired man who
was constantly astonishing his employ.
er, farmer, by doing strange and nm.
expected things. One day the farmer
went into the barn and found that his
man had hanged himself Looking at
the dangling body few minutes, ne
exciaimed: What on earth will thas
fellow do next2"
DR.. J. w. Griggs' suit against the
Western Railroad was terminated lass
Friday. Tho jury gave the doctor
damages to the amount Of $3.50. We.
asked him what he proposed 70 do
with so much money. be said: 81
shall buy tirst-class donkey aud name
it for the judge who presided In the
case. - Vest Point Goa. heSOs.
A well-known Westfeld character
recently wrote to one of our public
school teachers that he wanted his
children to learn to read, not 70 march
that they could be taught to do that
at home, and thus he had previously
sent two of them to another school
where they did nothing but march. me
til they finaliymarched into the Reform
School WestJfeid (Aass.1 Times.
A certain young couple of our town
wero looking cautiously over the pages
OF hymn-book the ofher evening,
when the yonng man paused for mo.
ment and pointed at d hymn entitled
''When shall we enlbraccan Presents
Iy the young lady. in answer 70 this
question, turned to the old famEIfaz
hymn. ''In the Sweet By-and-by." We
suppose there will be a match soou.-
Fort Gains Ga.) Advertiser.
Attorney-"So, madam, you want
me TO commence q acknowledgements
suit against Mr.. Slider. We'll, efva
me some of the particulars. What
county do you wish the action brouzh1
imp" Ancient maiden-s.WeIi, Yon
see. that's the trouble. The darn focI
proposed to mo on railroad
just as we were sliding over the conaE
line; so don't know what County
was. Chicago Rambler.
A French gamekeeper lately stes5z1
a sportsman in the enVirons Of NantsS
The latter was about to enter eaIf
wood when the keeper came 40 ere
said: Monsieur, you cannot sl1f
there; this wood is reserved.
is all right. returned the sport
81 have the. proprietor's verbd
mission to shoot here On Whfel
local custodian replied: ''TheE rs
trouble you to show it. please. ?
The intelligent compositor ca1ns
across tho words Cricket OF the
Hearth. With his usual perception
he saw that ..cricket on the hearth,
was nonsense. .'Of course. hel
thought, ..it is impossible 70 nia1
cricket on hearth; evidently IL sfonfa
be heath; cricket on the heath mcana
something" He made the emsnfe.
ton, and another gray hair vas aaded
70 the editors whitening head-BoslS
7raaserltl.
Uncle Rastus-'Tse wiIlfns tee
knowledge dat ] stole de hara. eafs
but dar an extenuaratfn aaheiI,7zs
stances keruected wild de case, sahs
was toxicafed, sab, an didn'e knaa
nulTen what | was bout -
Air. XII don't beliexe yea xsrr6.
Intoxicated, UBose Rasfu !. y
Uncle Z stts-.Dee4 / wess ! lin
prove IL II / hadn't been elIIia & s'nS
night, yo, Eonah. ii Il totsd 81 s6oes
one nam. o-LiJe.
Capt. Smith OF Vilidosfa telie ! So
jokv on himself which he saws ha.i;l','s's
cd at q Nashville {9a.l court I,.ss=
week. 4 negro was being srf6a ~
murder, and. being uaabls % enSsi7,zs
counsel, the court appointed f.sszf
Smith % defend him. They hnIf sl.'''s
into he esss and had procs.sfell s 49,
wars. Caps. Saith using bis seq I.'''s;
sEili tcr ties poor fellow, sssn s,,s -
gre tnrned 70 bin and safsIl ss!.7s
here. boss. AIrs dsy EHina e fI57
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