Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1885-03-05
So I unconsciously went to my fate!

So I unconsciously went to my fate!
Mrs. Joslyn complained of indisposi-
ton when we arrived at the place OF
nv disgrace, and said she would sit up
on the raised seats and look tine skate
for awhile, before she joined me in the
pastime. (Perfdious woman! as she
rubs the arnica on my fiesh-denuded
cheek-bone at this moment, there is
merry twinkle in her eye that tells me
she anticipated my discontinue at the
time of her refusal, and wanted to be
where she could get a good view of my
sprawling antics de Acrobdtique!
Well, to make a long story short, l
strapped on those treacherous wooden
contrivances, and started off with a
confident "watch-me-while-I
thing-pretty" air.
launched out with the old familiar
outward stroke, intending at the COM
pletion of same to poise myself IN a
statuesque manner on the tip OF one
foot, turn around quickly, then drop
lightly on the other, and proceed on
my sylph-like way. This was favor
lite trick of mine, when performing be-
fore an admiring crowd during my icy
skatorial youth, and, as the saying is,
it always, brought down the house. y
On this momentous occasion, howev-
er, it drought down. the ghdy gy-
rator! I WASH aware that roller-skates
required peculiar tnac0rd twist In
striking out, and the consequence was,
my feet became entangled, and lgno-
miniously pumped, forward on my
face! My sharp nose made a savage at
tempt to bore a hole through the
smooth hardwood floor, but failed
and when they picked me up, that
bloody feature resembled hattened
copper placed on the track beneath a
passing railway train!
was propped up in corner and
left to recuperate. Ny wife was invis-
ible to me, but I've no doubt now but
that she was posted in some advan-
tageous place where she was taking in
my misery with delight. While pull
ing out my proboscis to its proper di-
mansions, | stud ed the philosophy OF
the rollers, and soon essayed to again
mix in with the other skaters.
managed to shuttle along passably
we'll for a few yards. when corpulent
dame came sailing around curve at a
mile-a-minute rate, ran into me, and
knocked my heels out from beneath
me; then, my body describing back
ward areola through the ARMY arms
and legs vainly paving and kicking
holes in the atmospheric landed on
the rear part of my head, after turn
ing a complete somersault and a half!
More dead than alive, l gamely
struggled to my feet to give another
trial 1 had about made up my mind
by this time, though, that l wasn't an
artist at this style of skating, as l had
heard divers remarks from disguised
habitues of the rink, on this order:
"Who is that gawky ouffer?" Get
on to his slim iags doing the fall act!"
why don't the bungling green-horn
keep out of the way?'' ''Give that
lubberly calf more rope!' ETC., ETC.,
etc.
Dripping with perspiration. painting
from the unwonted exertion, my clothes
torn, and bleeding from numberless
cuts, l still persevered, alternately
gliding on my pedals, and then on my
ear or base of my spine, until [ finally
shot up bumperty-bump amongst a
group of eight or ten dudes and dudines,
and upset them in an indescribable
mass all upon my attenuated and
bruised-up body!!
That settled me!
wi .. cOSIS Ii SIO"Cu u Ciltii, shho l.
was carted off home on a stretcher.
while, if l ever attempt to fill my help
meets ear again with a single story as
regards my former prowess IN anything
or endeavor to ventilate my superior
wisdom in any manner, if one refer
ence by her to my inglorious skatorlal
fizzie at the rink don't make me SIM
mer down at once, she has my full per-
mission now Gas she patches me up
with court-plaster. etc., to club me
with stick of cord-wood till she be-
comes ''all out of breethe''
Therefore, | expect to be hem
pecked husband from this day forth!
Job never was afflicted with roller
skating! If he had been, he would have
thrown up the sponge a beaten man
in the beginning, instead of patiently
waiting to successfully run the gaunt-
let of boils and other festive visitations,
which the Good Book tells us he did
do!
For great big cuss words to inspire
For racking pains and wounds most dire
For tanning powerS-for brea king pateS-
1 recommend those roller skates!
JET. Joslyn. IN the Judge.