The Washington critic., 1885-05-21
MY FIRST MURDER.


[Concuded1
This being settled, the next question
was, "How?" / could not bring myself
to prod the old gentleman with bowie.
knife, as Walter Dene did with his uncle.
Stabbing has always seemed to me
clumsy, medieval sort of way of getting
rid of an enemy. 1t is apt, moreover, to
leave tell-tale spots upon the operators
pantaloons. Firearms were equally out
of the question. / never fred off any
thing in my life save a penny cannon in
early youth, and then, ] remember, the
deadly weapon flew, backward and broke
the wash-house window The fact Is inn
pressed on my memory, because the break
age cost me eighteen pence out of my
hard-earned pocket money. Poison would
have been more in my line; but gentle
man can't take anything to disagree with
him nowadays without those COMPOUNDED
analytical chemists pol<ing their noses into
his inside and finding out what he last
took for supper.
Hanging was obviously unsuitable.
Apart from other objections nothing
short of hawser could have supported Il
man of my unces dimensions. Drowning
would have suited well enough, but you
can't very well drown man who never
by any chance goes on the water. i should
have preferred to get him mixed up in
railway accident or dynamite explosion,
but it is difficult to ascertain beforehand
the exact time when events of this kind
are likely to come off, After mature con-
sideration decided to get him run over,
and accordingly invcighed him down to
the bank in the busiest part of the day,
gave him heavy luncheon, with two or
three glasses of prime old port and then
stcered him neatly into the middle
of the traffic, right in front of a passing
hanson.
AS luck would have it, he saw his dan
ger Just in time, and escaped it by a hairs
breadth. My own attention had been so
much absorbed by the hanson that had
not noticed an omnibus Immediately be-
hind me. | was knocked down and all
but run over myself and my uncle took
me home, terribly bruised and shaken, in
the very hanson which | had intended to
be the instrument of his promotion to Il
better world TO add insult to injury, he
lectured me all the way home, in thick
'port-winey voice, on the necessity of being
more careful in crossing busy thorough
fares. | was in bed for week. and CON
sumed arnica enough to stock a chemists
shop before / could move about with any
degree of comfort Meanwhile, however,
| had leisure to perfect my plans, and had
the good fortune to hit on method of cX-
tinction which would be both sure and
painless. ] had seen a medical man of
my acquaintance destroy an injured
poodle with chloroiorm, and was struck
by the simplicity of the process. He
poured little of the fluid on Il handker-
| chief held it to the dogs nose, and after
one or two inspirations the animal rolled
over on its side, dead
| resolved to chlorofom my uncle after
the same manner. Accordingly | pur-
chased a small quantity of the fluid and,
Watching my opportunity, when the old
lntF
gin and water, threw his handkerchief
over his head and went 70 sleep, | eau
tiously moistened the handkerchief with
the chloroform, letting the wetted portion
hang down well over his nose He
breathed rather more stertOriously than
before, but otherwise made no sign. Pres
emily the stertorious breathing grew
fainter and fainter, and at last ceased al
together. All was over, and began to
consider what would be the best method
| of communicating the unfortunate occur
cnce to the rest of the household.
] hesitated whether to give the alarm
myself, and say that my uncle had been
siezed with an apoplectit fit, or to quit
the room and leave somebody else to make
the painful discovery. | finally decided
on the latter course and was Just leaving
the room when the supposed dead man
suddenly sat up with Il snort. "Pah
Pish! Pooh! What's this horrid smell of
IOIltH uppltS. linen, llllulllS Illhl IL WIS
his own handkerchief that smet, he flung
it from him, saying Benny, you rascal,
you've been up TO your larls again
You've been putting some of your nasty
patchouli stuff on my handkerchief.
| declare it has given me quite headache"
! was only too glad to snatch the sug-
gestion / owned the soft impeachment,
and promised not to play such trick
again, My uncle had another glass of gin
and-water in consideration Of his head
ache, and we retired to rest. How my
uncle slept can't say, but ] had an UNI
comfortable dream of a public ceremonial,
in which Mr.. Bartholomew Binns VERY
drunk, q gentleman in clerical attire and
myself played prominent parts.
] came down to breakfast feeling horri-
bly, secdy and low spirited. My uncle on
the contrary, was quite jovial, and in UNI
usually spruce array.
"What a swell you are this morning." l
remarked,
"Ah, I'm moneyed man to-day" he
replied 6,;,i I'm 7, going into the city to draw
'Your what?" / exclaimed.
"My annuity The fact is, Benny, my
boy, you and | are such gay young dogs
| that found was living beyond my in
| come, and dipping into the capital. That
the sort OF amuSement that dom last long,
| you know, and ! like to be on the safe
| side. So the other day, when ] was in the
| city, / Just walked into one of the big in
| surance offices, and sunk the little lot in
an annuity. Five hundred and ten
| pounds year they give me; so, as long as
live Benny, my boy, you and are safe
| of our little pocket-money. BY the time
go off the hooks-which won't be for an
| other twenty years orso, / hope--no doubt
you'll be .pocketing your thousand year
and won't want it,"
Good Heavens! what an escape ! had
| had If ] had carried out what now felt
| to be my unnatural design, | should posi-
| lively have been the poorer man. instead
| of the richer, for my success. But it will
| be lesson to me for the future. Come
| what may, have made up my mind that
| | will never attempt to assasSinate any
| body again. My first murder shall also be
my last. Professionals may find assassi-
| nation pay but ! am quite sure that anna
tours had better keep clear of it, At best
| II is an eXpedient that can only be justi-
| fled by absolute necessity, and an error of
| Judgment may place you in an extremely
| painful position. In my own case for in
| stance, the suppression of my uncle which
| appeared so eminently desirable, would in
| reality have been quite the reverse, and if
| had succeeded should never have for
| given myself. Hcnceforth | intend to de-
| vote my best energies to cherish my
| worthy relatives declining years and keep
him alive as long as Ipossibly can. have
| already suggested his devoting reason
able portion of his annuity TO good
heavy insurance on his own life. If | can
only induce him to do this my mind will
- q H..