St. Landry democrat., 1885-04-04

on my memory, because the breakage
cost me eighteen pence out of my hard
earned pocket-money. Poison would
have been more in my line; but gentle
man can't take anything to disagree
with him nowadays without those con-
founded analytical chemists poking
their noses into his inside and finding
out what he last took for supper. Hang
ing was obviously unsuitable Apart
from other objections, nothing short of
a hawser could have supported man
of my uncle's dimensions. Drowning
would have suited well enough, but you
can't very well drown man who never
by any chance goes on the water.
should have preferred to get him mixed
up in railway accident or dynamite
explosion, but it is difficult to
ascertain beforehand the exact time
when events of this kind are
likely to come off. After mature
consideration decided to get him run
over, and accordingly inveigled him
down to the bank in the busiest part of
the day, gave him heavy luncheon,
with two or three glasses of prime old
port, and then steered him neatly into
the middle of the traffic, right in front
of a passing hanson. As luck would
have it, he saw his danger just in time,
and escaped it by hairs breadth. My
own attention had been so much alb
sorbed by the hanson that had not
noticed an omnibus Immediately behind
me. / was knocked down and all but
run over myself, and my uncle took me
home, terribly bruised and shaken, in
the very hanson which had intended
to be the instrument of his promotion
to a better world. To add insult to in
jury, he lectured me all the way home,
in thick, port-Winey voice, on the ne
cessity Of being more careful in cross
ing busy thoroughfares. I was in bed
for a week, and consumed arnica
enough to stock chemists shop be-
fore could move about with any de-
gree of comfort. Meanwhile, however,
l had had leisure to perfect my plans,
and had the good fortune to hit on
method of extinction which would be
both sure and painless. I had seen
medical man of my acquaintance de-
stroy an injured poodle with chloro-
form, and was struck by the sim
plicity OF the process. He poured
little of the fluid on a
handkerchief, held it to the dogs
nose, and after one or two inspirations
the animal rolled over on its side, dead.
| resolved to chloroform my uncle after
the same manner. Accordingly, [ pur-
chased small quantity of the fluid, and,
watching my opportunity, when the old
gentleman, having imbibed his custom
airy gin-and-Water, threw his handker-
chief over his head and went to sleep,
cautiously moistened the handkerchief
with the chloroform, letting the Wetted
portion hang down well over his nose.
He breathed rather more stertorously
than before, but otherwise made no
sign. Presently the stertorous breath
ing grew fainter and fainter, and at
last ceased altogether. All was over,
and began to consider what would be
the best method of communicating the
unfortunate occurrence to the rest of
the household. [ hesitated whether to
give the alarm myself, and say that my
uncle had been seized with an apoplec-
tic fit, or to quit the room, and leave
somebody else to make the painful dis
covery. / finally decided on the latter
course, and was just leaving the room
when the supposed dead man suddenly
sat up with snort. t'Pah! Pish! Pooh!
What's this horrid smell of rotten APP
ples?' Then, finding it was his own
handkerchief that smelt, he flung it
from him, saying: Benny, you rascal,
you've been up to your larks again.
You've been putting some of your nasty
patchouli stuff ON my handkerchief. /
declare it has given me quite a head
ache, "
l was only too glad to snatch at the
suggestion; l owned the soft impeach-
ment, and promised not to play such a
trick again. My uncle had another
glass of grandmother in consideration
Of his headache, and we retired to rest.
How my uncle slept / can't say, but |
had uncomfortable dreams of public
ceremonial, in which Mr.. Bartholomew
Binns very drunk), a gentleman in
clerical attire, and myself played prom.
inent parts.
I came down to breakfast feeling hor-
ribly seedy and low-spirited. My I'M
Gle, on the contrary, was quite jovial,.
and in unusual spruce array.
"What aswell you are this morning.
remarked.
"Ah, I'm moneyed man to-day"
he replied. I'm going into the city to
draw my annuity.
your s0hGt2n / exclaimed.
''My annuity. The fact is, Benny,
my boy, you and are such gay young
dogs that found I was living beyond
my income and dipping into the capt.
tai. That's the sort of amusement that
don't last long, you know, and like to
be on the safe side So the other day,
when was in the city, just walked
into one of the big insurance offices and