Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-12-16
SCIENCE vs.. THE BULL DOG.
A New Invention for Getting Rid OF
Poets, Canvasscrs and the Like.
From the Er0oklym Edgls.

Poets. Canvassors and the Like.
From the Br0ok1ym Edgle.
Every reader Of the come newspaper
must from time to time have had his a.
tention forcibly attracted to the wither-
ing contempt and fierce hatred openly
entertained by the comic editor against
The aspiring poet, whether OF the spring
or loye-lorn variety. Tho poet, in fact,
would seem 10 hold the egme relation 20
tue comic editor as does the r5d flag TO
The bull. Week after week. In the come
editors ANSWERS 20 Spon0ents
may be read such bitter replies as me
following: oWhat ought wa TO give Tor
vour p0em? Well ten days, we should
think" or again. you should take 4
long course Of Russian baths To get thaJ
poetry out OF your system; II tnaI uoesu.t
succeed, try a watery grave Issue after
issue Of the comic newspaper contain
ehuckling references TO the untmely Iate
which has Oyertaken some poet visiting
comic newspaper Office, or teens with
dark hints as to tr0pduoTs through which
poets are hurled down into mysterious
depths bloodthirsty insinuatlons as 10
bulldogs VINO keep watch over the edi-
1oriaI ssnctum. or pOrtenlOus illusions as
TO graves which may ere long stand IN
need Of being kept green. The poets
lovely widow" suggestively remarks
one comic editor IN this connection,
ssstrews flowers DER his tomb; the willy
editor still keeps that bulldog IN his
rOom."
Now. il is doubtless trying TO be almost
daily brought IN contact with haggard
and lank young mentor as such IS the
poet always pictured by the comic editor
who are addicted to such habits as max
ing scarcely" rhyme with ''parsley;" or
why, with a monot0ny that is undeniaby
ire-prOyoking, rave year after year OF
%sangel fOrmsr 'tender dafOdils" ana
s'the flowers that bloom III the spring"
stu the sanguinary methods coniessedly
adopted By the comic editor cannot but be
deprecated by all truly Christian ana
peace-loying persons; and it would seem
that some means by which he might rid
himself OF his prosecutors could surely
be devised without resort being
had to mayhem, homicide and kindred
crimes.
such a means has been afforded by the
recent invention Of Prof. GTimkopt OF
Boston. For a long time past it appears,
The professor has had the eye Of science,
SC to speak. turned upon the poet and
Others OF his race, and 10 bis enlightened
mind the bulldog and the trapdOor have
seemed but crude and brutal methods UNI
worthy Of the civilization of the age. One
day he came across the story in local
newspaper OF merchant who had sue
ceeded in Kidding himself OF the imper-
tunIties Of a swarm OF female book can
Vassers by a somewhat novel and lngen-
ious method. Whenever the merchant in
question heard a female voice behind him
eXclaiming in dulcet strains: "WOn't
YOU please look at this beautiful illus
frated work in ninety-nine parts, only
. cents partp ne would surreptitiously
letloose a number Of mice denly con-
cealed IN a cage beneath his desk. The
success Of the scheme, it was recorded,
even surpassed expectation. Linking
1His idea with the scarecrOw of the rural
districts, Prof Grimkopf arrived at the
deduction that IL the unwelcome visitor
could be disposed Of by moral instead of
a pbysIcal shock n decided step in adj
vance would have been attained. Follow
ang out this train Of thought, he was To-
spired to an invention which Will indubit-
ably prove Of the highest value.
This invention consists OF an apparatus
capable Of evolving an apparition some
what similar to that which might be pro-
duced by means Of magic lantern and a
canvas. It's workings are described as
fellows: A poet enters the editors sane
tum. The latter, cOncealing his hatred
in the consciousness Of his coming
triumph, softly, almost unctuously, re-
marks: "POet, siry All, pleased tC see
poet mHrmurs that he is single the comic
editor forth with sets in motion an attach
ment or the right hand side Of his desk,
and Immediately there appears on the
wall facing the poet the life-siZe figure OF
John /. Sullivan. in alarmingly pugilistic
attitude, with the words emblazoned
above his head "The Fighting Editor is
in" The terror inspired By this appari-
'fiOn has been demonstrated to be fully as
effective IN leading to a poets disap-
psarance as IL a trap door we're actually
opened beneath his feet.
The comic editors end is thus attained
without any approach TO battery or blood
shed. II, on the other hand, the poet re-
plies that he is married, the comic editor
applies himself 10 an attachment to the
left OF his desk, and instantly there In an
RpparitiOn of fierce mother-in-law, with
wintry and sarcastic smile, from whose
ghOstly mouth are to be seen issuing the
words. IL have come to pay a nice, long
visit, dear" This apparitiOn is declared
20 be even more effective than the proceed
1ng one. In one instance in which the
test was applied it was attended by strik-
ing results. The victim. casting one hOr-
rl6ed glance at the apparition. rusned
precipitately toward the stairs, and,
clearing them at bound, disappeared,
and strange TO say, has never been heard
from since.
Prof, GrimkOpPs invention, II is under
stood, is capable OF being applied TO other
branches Of life besides the comic news
paper office. ApparitiOn suitable to pro
tecting the head OF a public department
against the pertinaclous Office seeker auC
the merchant against the wiles Of the bOol
women can, it Is announced, be furnished
on application. Private residences ever
are 10 be protected, and the apparition o
n tramp at work is declared TO be speci
ally eficaciOus against lusty mendicants
The invention can scarcely fail TO net II,
Dwner a large fortune, and it is now TO b.
hoped that the reader OF the comic news
paper Will no longer be shocked by read
ing Of poets being hurled through
trapd0ors, or NJ their being torn tc
pieces by the cruel iangs OF the editorial
bulldog.
HE WANTED A WEBSTER PUNCH