Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-05-07
WIT AND HUMOR-

\ f1-OIdLls IiA Wins $4,000 49, ~
turks in mutton-chops, brutality in
beef, peryerseness in poultry, and vii
lany In veal" Same at our boarding.
house TraUelerS' Magazine.
A New Jersey man wants divorce
because his wife hash spoken to him
for nearly two years. Some men don't
know when they are well off-Hcn-
pecbed Editor N02Yjst0Uae Herald
..Ah! you fatter me- lisped a dude
to a pretty girl with whom he was con-
Versing. mo, DON'T was the re-
ply You couldn't be any fatter than
you are. "-BurLjngt02a Free Press.
10 write for all time is the ambition
Of every author. The man who origin
ated the series of negro-minstrel jokes
is the only one up to date who has APP
parently succeeded in his endeaYor.
Hon. Charles Carroll, of Shawnee
town, has our thanks for a neat and
well-executed check We transferred
it into bacon, and are transferring the
bacon into Drawn and brains. Benton
(IIL) Herald.
A little WilliamstoWn girl had the
whOOpin-cough. and when she recover
ed from it she said she was glad she
didn' die while she had the whooping-
cough, because ''God would not like to
have little coughing angels"
At a recent lecture delivered in q
Massachusetts town Anna Dickinson S
audience consisted Of one auditor and
that dude. Anna said it paid OF
course it did; how was it to get in if it
didn' t pay?- Y0216ers Statesman.
''No interruption of business on ac-
count of the weather" is the motto a
Kalamazoo hen nailed above her nest,
and when the mercury was 30 degrees
below zero she came off with q brood
Of young chickens. - Detroit (Mich.)
Post,
..|Vhat amused me most at the OPP
era, said an Arab Chief who had been
taken to hear Faust, = 'swas one Of the
musicians in the orchestra, seated q lit
tie higher than the rest, who performed
on an invisible instrument with .
stick
In q recent breach of promise suit
the course of true love- was traced in
this manner: Dear Mr. Smith, = My
darling John, ''My own darling
John, "My darling John" Dear
John, Dear Sir, - Sir" and all was
over
The Lowell Times notes the fact that
the Civil War broke out and roller
skates were invented the same year.
This is true. but the war did its worst
and stopped in four years, while roller
skates continue to plumber and murder
even up to this time.-BOSton Post.
Robinson Cat the window Hullo!
There goes that woman Browns so
dead sweet on! Mrs. R. Crushing up
with excitemen) - Where? who? :
where? What tBat-in the gray
Why, George, how ridiculous you are!
That's his wife! Robinson-Exactly,
my dear!-Puncb.
An Irishmen, recently over, entered
a barber shop in Main street, DanbuIy
Friday for a shave. After the barber
was through he asked the customary
question: ''Have bay rum, sir?" mo,
sor-the fact is, sor. I've just had a
glass of beer, an don't loike mixin'
drinks. Hartford Times.
'Examiner-''Now, if / were to give
fifty marbles in charge of this boy
Indicating the biggesD, ''to divide
equally amongst you, how many would
you each receiver" Small boy (of ex-
perience) -''Please, sir, we shOuldn' t
get none at all; cause he'd collar them
all hisself. "-Lond0n Punch.
II see" remarked Farmer Hoedown
of Hackensack to his wife the other day
as he was reading his morning paper,
that Prof. Foilem Of London says
fencin' is healthy exercise for girls
Now that's what [ told MelindY and
Mary Jane when we was a laying that
thousand-rod worm-fence last fall"
The following order for q block OF
teeth has been received by a dentist of
Triangle, n. Y: "AIy mouth is three
inches acrost, inches through the
Jaw; some humocky on the edge;
shaped like q horseshoe, toe forward.
If you want me to be more partik' lar I
shell hay to cum thar. Yours truly,
whats that you have in your
hand?" asked Mrs. Gimlet of her hus-
band as he brought home aroll of man
uscript. brains, madam" replied
Mr.. Gimlet pompously. Are you sur
prised at that fact?" 'sNot in the
least" she replied. I knew you
didn,t carry them in your head. ~.
j. Graphic.
Schulze-''H Hast thou already from
the paper heard in regard to thy to it
sent communication? Mueller = Il
received yesterday letter from the ed
itor, in which he to me his thanks ex-
pressed" Schulze -''Then congratu-
late I; but let me see, what writes he
then?" Mueller Thankfully return
ed. Omnibus.
A tramp stopped at house in the
suburbs of Houston and said to thelady
of the house: ''Please give poor man
who is travelling and who is far away
from home trife to help pay his ex-
penses." IF you haven't got any
money to pay your expenses, why do
you travel?" she asked in establishment.
TEXAS SJtiagS.
Il