Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-04-09
BEING Al WOMAN.
Some OF the Trials and TribuIations or the
Eair Sex.


Some Of the Trials and TribuIations OF the
Fair Sex.
1t is dreadful bother to be a wo-
man and do the business up in good
shape. In the first place, you've got
to look we'll, or else you're nobody. A
man may be ever SO homely and still
be popular. Whiskers cover up most
of his face, and if he has big mouth
nobody mistrusts it, and if he does
wrinkle bad on his forehead his friends
speak of his many cares and of his
thoughtful disposition, and tell each
other that his wrinkles are lines of
thought. Lines of thought, indeed.
when in all probability his forehead is
wrinkled by the bad habit he has got
of scowling at his wife when the coffee
is not strong enough.
A woman must always be in good
order. Her hair must always be
frizzed and banged, as fashion de-
mands, and she must powder if she
has shining skin, and she must man
age to look sweet, no matter how sour
she may feel; her dress must hang just
so. and her boot buttons always in
place, and her finger nails always
clean; and then she mustn't whistle.
nor climb fences, nor stone cats, nor
scold when she's mad.
She can't go out alone, because
ladies must be protected; she can't go
anywhere when it rains, because her
hair won't stay frizzed and she'll get
mud on her petticoats and things; she
can't be q Free Mason, because she
would tell their secret and everybody
would know all about the goat and
gridiron; she can't smoke, because
that would be unfeminine; she can't
go counting, because that would be I'M
womanly. But she must get married
before she is rs, or everybody will feel
wronged. People will sigh over her,
and wonder why it is that men don't
seem to take" and all the old maids
and widows smile and keep quiet. Oh,
these smiles and these significant
looks! They are ten times more than
open ISLANDERS.
1t is terrible thing to be an old
maid. Everybody knows it is, and the
women who are married to drunken
husbands, and who manage to quarrel
with them six days out of seven, will
live in an agony of spirit over the single
woman and call her the poor old maid.
A woman must marry rich, or else
she doesn't marry '.well. " And to
marry well is the end and aim of
woman's existence, judging from the
view which people in general take of
this matter. 1t is everybody's bust
ness when woman marries. The
whole neighborhood put their heads to-
gether and talk over the pros and cons,
and decide whether she is good enough
for him. There is nothing said about
his being good enough for her. And
they criticize the shape of her nose,
and relate anecdotes how lazy her
grandfather was, and how her Aunt
Sally used to sell beans and butter
milk. A woman must wear No. 2
boots on No. 3 feet, and she must man
age to dress well on rs cents week.
and she mustn't be vain; and she must
be kind to the poor, and she must go
regularly to the sewing society meet
ings, and be ready to dress dolls and
make tides and aprons for church
fairs. She must be good cook, and
must be able to ''do up" her husband s
shirts so that the Chinese washerman
would groan with envy and gnash his
teeth with the same holy passion at
the sight of them.
She must always have the masculine
buttons of the family sewed on so they
will never come off while in use, and
she must keep the family hosiery so
that nobody would ever mistrust there
We're holes in the stockings while they
were on. She must hold herself in
constant readiness to find everything
her husband has lost-and man never
knows where to find anything. He
will put his boots carefully away under
the parlor sofa, and when he has hunt
ed for them half an hour he will sud-
denly appear to his wife with connie
nance like an avenging angel, and de-
mand "what in thunder she has done
with his boots" She must shut all the
doors after her lord and master, and
likewise the bureau drawers, for mar
ried man was never known to shut a
drawer. 1t would be as unnatural for
hen to 60 in swimming for recrea-
ton.
She must go to bed first in cold
weather so as to get the bed warm.
Her husband, if he be a wise man,
never asks her to do this. Oh, no! but
he sits to 'just finish this piece in the
paper" and waits until she has got the
sheets to a comfortable temperature.
All, there are great many tricks in
the trade of living together. A woman
Is expected to take care of the baby
even after the first infantile wonder has
multiplied into round half dozen.
And if it doubles up with the collie or
trials of cutting teeth or the necessary
evils OF mumps or measles and whoop-
ing-cough and scarlet fever and rash
and throat distemper and short sleeves
and bare legs and pins sticking into him
and too much candy and bad temper,
why her husband tells her that he
''does wish she would try and quiet
her baby" and he says it too as if he
thought she alone was responsible for
its being in existence, and as if she
was considerably to blame for it too.
And when she has the headache no
body thinks of minding it-a woman is
always having the headache. And if
she is nervous enough to fly" nobody
shuts the door any quieter, and nobody
tucks her on the lounge with shawl
over her or coddles her to death as a
man has to be coddled under such cir
cumstances.
We might go on Indefinitely with tho
troubles of being woman, and if there
is man who thinks woman has an
easy time of it, why, just let him pin
on a pound of false hair and get inside
pair of corsets, and put on a pull
back overskirt, and be woman HIM
self, and see how he likes it. -ReriSed
by a sUonaan for the LoweU Times.
Poor Carlotta's Curse.
The recent death of Colonel Vande-
yelde is great misfortune to the poor