The true northerner., 1885-11-19

A pRrzE-Y1aHr il called Q mill, but
prize-fiQhters are not millers. brook
lys Times.
The road to wealth is crowded with
the men who are turning back White
Hall Times.
@HAs he any expensive habits?" He
has one rather expensive one that
know Of" "What is it?" Eating
Chicago Ledger.
The philosopher who kindly meas
ures other mems pecks out OF his own
bushel never had any quartz In his
heart.-Barbers' Gazette.
DocroR-"Now tell me, Colonel,
how do You feel when you've killed
MANI" Colonel-Oh, very we'll. thank
you, Doctor, how do you?"-London
Punch.
To SPEAK of Sitting Bull as a coward
is absurd. He faced Washington
boarding house existence for fortnight
and never turned hair.-FaH RiUer
AdUd7lce.
"a PENNSYLVANIA woman peeled 200
cords of bark last year" OF course
she skinned sausages in restaurant,
but why did she let 'em bark ?-Nelo-
man Independent.
A MAN suffers deeply, no doubt, when
his honor is stung, but he generally
makes more fuss about it.when he gets
it fresh from the furnace on the end Of
his nose.-Chicago Ledger.
IT is only when vacation arrives that
people discover the latent possibilities
in the small boy. For instance, the
success he can achieve in making those
around him miserable. e.-Bost0n Cou-
rier.
IT won't do to bank too much on the
fellow with the fiue suit. in nine cases
out of ten, the hayseed, as he is called,
has more in the pockets of his four
dollar suit than you could find in fifty
dude suits. s.-EUansritte Argus.
"THE old poets used to spend whole
week over single line" Slow old
curmudgeons. In these days the writer
who cannot work off a couple of
columns of straight lying a day isn't
worth his salt.-.ot. Paul Herald.
A POET says: "Thepe is always sun
rise somewhere" 1t is a refreshing
thought that, although it may be mid
day here, there is spot somewhere on
this earth where overworked man is
urging his wife to get up to make the
fires and prepare the breakfast, while
he takes fresh snooze. e.-NOrristOtcn
Herald.
WHEN an Indian is caught throw
ing" horse-race or playing dirt on a
fair race in any other manner, he is
turned over to the squaws to be switched
and pelted and degraded The white
jockey is complimented for his cute
ness.-Detroit Free Press.
"YoU know old man Singer" said a
stranger in Austin to Bill Swizler; she
seems to be quite wealthy. Is he a man
of much means?' "A man of much
means!" replied Bill. "Well, / should
say SO. He has the reputation of being
the meanest man in Travis County,
Te.rds Siti,1gs.
WESTERN telegraph editor aston
ished his readers by flaming head lines
to the effect that forty-five lives had
been destroyed the night before by
lightning. He explained later that
five cats on the backyard fence had
been hurled into eternity by thun-
derbolt. Merchant TrdUeler.
WOMEN" says the Yonkers Gazette,
"are becoming adopts in the use of the
tonsorial tool called the razor, but they
cut deeper than the average barber"
True, but they apply cobweb to a
wound with delicacy and tenderness
of touch and with so much solicitude
in their glances, that one feels honored
and delighted at having been cut by
them. Courier.
He was young and tender. He open
ed the door and gazed long and
furtively at the clerk, and finally chok-
ing down sob, he said: "Say, Mister,
has Kate been in here this morning ?"
The clerk looked at him for moment
and asked, What Kate?" Then with
smile such as you receive from the
man who sells you glass of red
lemonade at the circus, he an
swered, Rollers Kate. Carl Pret-
zers jVeekiy.
A JOKE ON its hind legs stood one day,
And thus to passing dude did say
| Don't you want to laugh? I'm something new
mary a laugh, said the dude -for YOU
I'm quite new thing, but you are old,
They're all embalmed who first heard you told
Yet you keep booming, clay after day,
| Though none can see what you want to say.
| You're only great by way of a squint
| I've seen you thousand times in print
| I've banged and hammered, hammered and
banged,
| To find out your drift, but I'll be hanged
| II can see one morsel of fun
| Since the first day you began To run.
| Columbus found out the land of puns.
| But all small pistols are not great guns
| What the trouble is in my poor brain?
| 1t may be so, but one thing is plain.
| As far as laughing goes with the folks
New dudes are better than musty jokes"
MORAL.
Don't wait for the rattle" to run from snakes.
Or Judge of man by the noise he makes
| -YoRker's Gazette.
The ROck-Painting Crank.