The St. Charles herald. [volume] (Hahnville, La.) 1873-1993, 1885-07-11
a oHAIM oE rRouRLEs.

Che MlsCortunes Of . Man Who Needed the
Complaints of His wife.
''John Simpkins, your miserable
neanness will have us in tho poor
house some of these daysv'
This was the exclamation OF Mrs.
John Simpldns when her husband re-
turned from his work.
''What's the matter now. dearP" was
bis mild response.
"Why, the door-mat has been stolen
again. That's the third one we've lost
In two months. Why don't you buy .
chain, and fasten the mat to the door
SLIP 1t couldn't DO lost then"
''Well, dear, I'll attend to it in the
morning"
The next day Eimpkins bought the
chain and panlock, and fastened up the
mat at if it were mad bulldog.
That's something like sense" said
Mrs. Simpxins.
All went merry as q marriage-bell
until Simpkins prepared to go to his
club that evening. He had an appoint
ment to meet friend at the club to
discuss business matter OF great inn
portance, and as he finished dressing
he discovered that he was late. He
started out Of his room with o rush.
''Wait q minute, John" called his
wife over the stairs, as he went down
Swo steps at time.
Cant stop now" he replied
'tBut want to tell you something"
Cant wait now," he said, looking
back to wave his hand at her as he
sailed out Of the door.
Bang! Bump! R-r-r-r-r! Zip, boom!
Simpkins tripped over the mat-chain,
and went ricocheting down the steps
first on tho back of his head, and then
On the front Of his back. As he reached
the bottom, he bounded OF into space,
and struck . man who was just coming
by.
Crashi
The air was full Of glass-splinterA
Tho man passing by had been carrying
twenty-dollar mirror. and it had been
knocked into about four hundred mir
rors. One of the pieces few
cut in the street and hit
Butcher Jones' bulldog right in
the left eye. Maddened with pain,
the animal grabbed at the first thing
chat came in his way. This happened
TO be the hind-leg of a cab-horse stand
Ing in front of Miss Millicent Hya-
einth's door. The cab-horse sprang
forward and dashed up the street, the
dog holding on and kiyi-ing at every
Jump. At the corner OF the street the
horse swerVed and sailed wildly into q
kruitstand.
The fruitmaA used . spirit-lamP to
illuminate his wares. The lamp w&s
upset. and the spirit set fire to the
woodwork Of the stand. In q moment
the awning was In blaze, and flames
were shooting upward along the side
If Butcher Jones' store.
Fire. frol" yelled the small boy OF
SA0 corner.
''AEurderl murderT' yelled Simpkins
who had recovered his breath.
stop theft" shouted the man whit
had been carrying the looking-glass.
A policeman, who by some specia
Gispensation of Providence happened II
be st hand, rang the fire-alarm on tn
corner.
ClaR9l cIangl went the fire bells
no the engines came laundering up tai
street
Fire! fireF' yelled the small boy.
'Oh. Lordl Murderr yelled Slmp
kins, rs the man who had been carrying
che looking-glaSs thumped him in thu
neck and then in the eye.
Where's the tireP" yelled the Fir
Marshal.
'In the butchers house!'' shouted
che policeman. The next minute {
'twoinch stream of water was pouring
down Butcher Jones' back, as he sat ii
front of his parlor fire, reading.
''Hold on! Thunder and turf Grea
6cotti" shouted the butcher; what
the matterp"
''Your house is on firel'' shouted th,
fireman at the window.
'.No, 1t isn't!" screamed Jones.
''Then where is the fireP" asked tn
fireman.
'It's the fruit standr' shouted tn
small boy.
"Why, that's all burnt nv" said tn
fireman.
''Then the fires out" said the police
man.
And as the engines went home, tn,
fireman saw four men carrying Simp
kins into the house ON litter.
And two months afterward Simpkinl
footed up his entire Losses ON the pur
chase of the chain and lock, as pc,
broken mirror. damage to self, doctor,
hillS. loss of business proposed b.
friend ct club. and lawyers fees foI
defense n suits brought by fruitmal
and Butcher Jones, at eight Thousand
Aollars. He viii allow one door-ma
b 70 to pordition everv week hereafter