The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1885-04-28
A CHAIN or TROUBLES.
The Misfortunes of a Man Who Needed the
Complaints Of His Wife.

"John Simpkins, your miserable
fneanness will have us in the poor
house some of these daysr'
This was the exclamation of Mrs.
5ohn Simpkins when her husband re-
turned from his work.
What's the matter now, dear?" was
bis mild response.
'Why, the door-mat has been stoler
again. That's the third one we've loS
in two months. Why don't you buy
chain, and fasten the mat to the door
siH? 1t couldn't be lost then"
well, dear, I'll attend to it in thu
morning"
The next day Simpkins bought the
chain and panlock, and fastened up the
mat at if it were mad bulldog.
That's something like sense" SAID
Mrs. Simpkins.
All went merry as marriage-bel
until Simpkins prepared to 60 to his
club that evening. He had an appoint
ment TO meet a friend at the club to
discuss a business matter of great i'm.
portahce, and as he finished dressing
he discovered that he was late. he
started out of his room with rush.
wait a minute, john" called his
wife over the stairs, as he went down
two steps at a time.
Cant stop now" he replied.
But / want to tell you something"
Cant wait now" he said, looking
back to wave his hand at her as he
sailed out of the door.
Bang! Bump! R-r-r-r-r! Zip, boom!
Simpkins tripped over the mat-chain,
and went ricocheting down the steps
first on the back of his head, and then
on the front of his back. As he reached
the bottom, he bounded off into space,
and struck man who was just coming
by.
Crash!
The air was full of glass-splinters.
The man passing by had been carrying
a twenty-dollar mirror, and it had been
Knocked into about four hundred mir
rorS. One of the pieces flew
out in the street and hit
Butcher Jones' bulldog right in
the left eve. Maddened with pain,
the animal grabbed at the first thing
that came in his way. This happened
TO be the hind-leg of cab-horse stand
inc in front of Miss Millicent Hya-
forward and dashed up the street, the
dog holding on and kiyi-ing at every
Jump. At the corner of the street the
horse swerved and sailed wildly into a
fruit-stand.
The fruitman used spirit-lamp to
6lluminate his wares. The lamp was
upset, and the spirit set fire to the
woodwork of the stand. In a moment
Ehe awning was in a blaze. and flames
were shooting upward along the side
of Butcher Jones store.
Fire, frer' yelled the small boy on
the corner.
Murder! murdert" yelled Simpkins,
who had recovered his breath.
stop thief" shouted the man who
had been carrying the looking glass.
A policeman, who by some special
dispensation of Providence happened to
be at hand, rang the fire-alarm on the
corner.
Clangi clangi went the fire bells,
as the engines came laundering up the
street.
Fire! fire." yelled the small boy.
s'Oh. Lordi Murderr' yelled Simp-
kins, as the man who had been carrying
the looking-glass thumped him in the
meek and then in the eye.
where's the fire?" yelled the Fire
Marshal
'.In the butchers houser shouted
the policeman. The next minute a
two-inch stream of water was pouring
down Butcher Jones back, as he sat in
front of his parlor fire, reading.
Hold on! Thunder and turf Great
Scott" shouted the butcher; what s
the matter?"
"Your house is on fire!'' shouted the
fireman at the window.
s.No, it isn'ti' screamed Jones.
s'Then where is the fire?" asked the
fireman.
'.It's the fruit standr' shouted the
small boy.
"Why, that's all burnt up" said the
fireman.
Then the fires out, said the police
man.
And as the engines went home, the
fireman saw four men carrying Simp-
kins into the house on litter.
And two months afterward Simpkins
!, Footed up his entire losses on the pur-
p. chase of the chain and lock, as per
broken mirror, damage to self. doctors
bills, loss of business proposed by
friend at cldb. and lawyers fees for
defense in suits brought by fruitman
and Butcher Jones, at eight thousand
dollars. He will allow one door-maI
to 60 to perdition every week hereafter.
Puck.