Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-03-15
WIT AND HUNlOR.

An OBITUARY nOllce IN Oan rItHcio-
co paper referred to deceased citizen
as having ''gone to happier home. "
This seems to be an unnecessary ex-
posure of family affairs.
Slugger Sullivan is going to Eng
land and Slugger Ryan is also going to
England. Ye gods, what magniii-
cent opening for a shipwreck!-St.
Louis Globc-Democrat.
A man in Georgia tells of ten
pound trout which stopped mill
wheel. Either the wheel must have
been smaller than the trout or the lie
bigger than the mill.-BoSton Post.
A superstitious correspondent writes
to inquire if the bowling of a dog at
night is sign of approaching death in
the family. In a well-regulated house
hold it is sure sign, provided the dog
is regarded as one of the family.-Cin-
cinnati Enquirer.
From French newspaper: A rabbi
is instructing a child df Israel in the
story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife.
He adds: Joseph fled from Potiphar's
house, leaving there his MANTLE" The
innocent boy replied: 'Was it sec
ond-hand clothes shopP"
Edith: 80 you have an alto voice,
have you, dear' and you would like to
know whether alto voices are not very
rare in comic opera? Yes. dear, they
are very rare; in fact, Edith, most of
those which we have heard have been
almost raw. ."-Boston Post.
Cincinnati LADY, was surprised
to learn of your marriage. l saw no
mention of it in the newspapers. Gin
cinnati Bride-It was a very quiet af-
fair-half dozen kegs of lager and a
few sky-rockets from the roof. Man,
mas health, you know, is far from ro-
bust.-New York San.
30, Mr.. Smith," said young lady
at church fair, II want your help for
a moment" Certainly" replied Mr..
Smith; ''what can do for you?" Il
have just sold tidy for Sl5 that cost
Is cents, and 1 want you to tell me
what percentage that is" "a trans
action of that kind, my dear Miss b."
said Mr.. Smith, who is lawyer, .gets
out of percentage and into larceny
NeU York Commercial AdrertiSer.
George" she said one day, "you
think the bread that Mary makes is
extraordinarily nice; but you have nev-
er tasted of my bread" mo, DEAR"
replied George, his voice quivering
with emotion, Il have had my misfor-
tunes, have tasted of your pie once;
but thus far Providence has preserved
me from your bread. l have suffered,
but there are depths of misery that 1
know not of. f."-Boston Transcript.
Wife-John. what is this faith
cure" l read of so much? Husband
Marriage, my dear. Marriage. Wife
/ don't understand how marriage can
have anything to do with it. Please
explain yourself. Husband-Well, be-
fore married you my faith led me to
believe that you were perfect angel;
since married you l have been en-
tirely cured of that faith. That is
what is called ..faith cure. "-PMla-
delphia Call.
The postoffice at Leek, N. Y, is a
curiosity since the recent fire there.
The letter boxes were destroyed, and
tomato and peach cans are nailed to
the wall and used instead. A novel
plan has been adopted to designate the
boxes. j. E. Buttons bears large
button. MIR. Coles has piece of coal
attached. Mr.. Woods can is marked
by piece of wood. Mr.. Cobb's,
piece of corn-cob, and Mr.. Knott finds
his mail in the can with a hemlock
knot attached.
A Santa Rosa church elder demand
ed that his minister be investigated"
because the latter got into fight with
a couple of hoodlums and called on a
local prize fighter for assistance. The
good man replied from the pulpit that
'.in the first place the rowdies were
beating Chinaman; and, in the next
place, when one rascal is holding my
legs and another is pounding me over
the head with barrel stave, l don't
propose to stop and enquire about the
moral character of my REINFORCE
ments." The investigation adjourned.
A fashionable youth of Hartwell,
Ga, who is of very economical turn.
says local paper, has the habit, when
he sends a note to his girl, of adding
this postscript: ''Giye negro boy
biscuit for carrying this note" Re-
Gently the young lady promptly sent
the young man quite number Of bis
cults, informing him that he could
henceforth prepay postage, and when
the rations were exhausted to draw on
her for more. A cold wave now blows
between that young lady and her c. o.
d. young man.
On the St. Lawrence we once met a
poor Indian who had just come out of
prison. A more woe-begone and
wretched-looking man we never saw.
He was as limp as a week-old paper
collar. "Did they starve you in pris-
onP" NO" Ibid they treat you
with cruelty, overtask you with labor,
or torture you in the dark cell?" mo;
the great white chief did none of these
things" Then why this tortured
look, and why is my red brother so
anguished?" They made me wash
myself. Ugh!'-Toronto Mail.
..Did you see Mrs. Van Saltseller
Splurges Biff at Mrs. Old Cheese's re-
ception?" one gentleman asked an
other. "Yes; covered with diamonds,
wasn't she?" "Just loaded with them!
It's a wonder old Biff allows his wife
to dress in that way; he's so common
in things himself, you know" al
low her! Why, she dresses for him!
He can't wear diamonds himself, SO
he gives them to her. Then people
will say, Who is that lady encrusted
with gems?' why, don't you know?
That's Mrs. Van Saltseller Splurges
Biff, wife of Spindleshank Biff, the
great millionairew There's where old
Bitf comes in. See?"-PRtsburg CtrO,a-
icle.
A Holbrook man named A. Beamen,
80 years old, is not old enough to know
that there is no such a thing as per-