The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1885-05-05
BY BILL NYE


Many people have travelled all their
lives and yet do not know how to behave
themselves when on the road. For the
benefit and guidance of such, these few,
crisp, PLAIN, horse sense rules of etiquette
have been framed.
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn TO the
right on discovering an approaching
train If you wish the train to turn out
give two loud toots and get in between
the rails 80 that you win not muss up the
right of way. Many nice, new right OF
way has been ruined by getting pedess
trian tourist spattered all over its first
mortgage.
On retiring at night on board the train,
do not leave your teeth in the ice water
tank. If every one should do so, it would
occasion great confusion in case of wreck.
1t would also cause much annoyance and
delay during the resurrection Exper-
fenced tourists tie string TO their teeth
and retain them during the night.
Ii you have been reared in extreme
poverty and your mother supported you
until you grew up and married so that
your wife could support you, you will
probably sit In four seats at the same
time, with your feet extended into the
aisles so that you can wipe them off on
other people while you snore with your
mouth open, clear to your shoulder
blades
If you are prone to drop to sleep and
breathe with low, death rattle, like the
exhaust of bath tub, it would be good
plan to tie up your head in a feather bed
and then insert the whole thing in the
linen closet, or if you cannot secure that,
you might stick it out of the window and
get it knocked off against tunnel. The
stockholders of the road might get mad
about it, but you could do it in such q
way that they wouldn't know whose head
it was.
Ladies and gentleman should guard
against travelling by rail while in beastly
state of intoxication.
In the dining car, while eating, do moi
comb your moustache with your fork
By all means do not comb your moustach(
with the fork of another. 1t is better tC
refrain altogether from combing The
moustache with fork while travelling
for the motion of the train might jab Thu
| fork into your eye and irritate it.
If your dessert is very hot and (you d.
not discover it until you have burned th'
rafters out of the roof of your mouth, ID
not utter a wild yell of agony and spill
your coffee all over total stranger, bu
control yourself, hoping to know NOR
next time.
In the morning is a good time to flint
out how many people have succeeded il
getting on the passenger train who ough
to be in the stock car
Generally, you will find one male an,
one female. The male goes into the wasl
room. battles his worthless carcass from
daylight until breakfast time, walking oil
the feet of any man who tries to wasl
his face during that time He wipes him
self on nine different towels, becaus
when he gets home he knows he will hav
to wipe his face on an old door mat
People who have been reared on hay al
their lives. generally want to fill them
selves full of pie and collie when the
travel.
/ The female of this same mammal goe
} into the ladies' department and remain
there till starvation drives her out. The
the real ladies have about thirteen sec
onds apiece in which to dress.
If you never rode in a vanished ca
before, and never expect to again. yo
will probably roam up and down the cal
meandering over the feet of the porte
while he is making up the berths. TIL
is good way to let people see just hoy
little sense you had left after your brai
began to soften.
ii In travelling, do not take along lot {
old clothes that you know you will nevt
wear.
Il Never walk through Car staring ever,
D body out of countenance. like q Jim Gro
detective hunting for the James boys. bl
mind your own business, be quiet. poll
0 and patient, and SEE THAT YOUR TICKE
TAKES YOU OVER THE GREAT Rock Isl
AND ROUTE. Then you will feel as thoug
you were among friends ALL THE TIM
and you will leave the train with pan
of genuine regret.