Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1885-03-19
Mlt,uuru,ts department.
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT.

DEAR SIR:-The painful duty of turning
over to you the administration of these
United States and the key to the front door
of the White House has been assigned tC
me. You will find the key hanging inside
the storm door and the cistern pole up stairs
in the hay of the barn.
It is expected that you will make such
changes in your Cabinet and other furni'
ture as you may see fit. The asparagus
bed, however, will need little top dressing
in the spring, and you can do as you see
fit about putting pillow shams on the pie
plant bed. In your attitude toward foreign
ideas, and suggestion from me at this
time would be entirely out of place. Gov.
ern the people with firm yet gentle hand
and put a little rat poison down in the eel.
lar where it will do the most good.
/ have made great many suggestions
to the outgoing administration relative to
the transfer of the Indian Bureau from 1.-THE
Department of the Interior to that of the
sweet by-and-by. The Indian, may say,
has been great source of annoyance to me,
several of their number having jumped one
Still I do not complain of that. This mine,
however, am convinced would be good
paying property if properly worked, and
should you at any time wish to take the
regular army and such other help as you
may need and recapture it from our red
brother, would be glad to give you con-
trolling interest in it.
You will observe, on taking possession
of the administration, that the navy is q
little weather beaten and wormy. I would
suggest that it be newly painted in the
spring. Ifit had been my good fortune to
receive a majority of the suffrages of the
fo~ 10 oh hn1
should have painted the navy red. Still,
that need not influence you in the course
which you may see fit to adopt.
You will find all papers in their appropri-
ate pigeon holes, and small jar of cucum-
ber pickles down the cellar, which were
left over, and to which you will be perfect
ly welcome. The asperities and heart burn
ings that were the immediate result of a
hot and unusually bitter campaign are now
all buried. Take these pickles and use
them as though they were your own. They
them. We may differ politically, but that
need not interfere with our warm, personal
friendship.
You will also find half ton of coal left
over and an old axe in the wood shed, which
g man from Ohio left with us to have
ground. OF course, you do not make bus
iness of receiving presents, but you can not
refuse to receive these as slight testlmonl-
al of regard, and not in the nature of a
bribe.
There are many affairs of great moment
which have not enumerated in this brief
letter because felt some little delicacy and
timidity about appearing to be at all dicta-
tOrial or officiouS about matter wherein
the public might charge me with interfer-
ence.
I hope you will receive the foregoing in a
friendly spirit, and whatever your convic-
tions may be upon great questions of nation
al interest, either foreign or domestic, that
you will not undertake to blow out the gas
realize the fond anticipations which are
now cherished on your behalf by mighty
people whose aggregated eye is now on to
YOU. BILL NYE.
P.s.-You will be little surprised, no
doubt, to find no soap in the laundry or
bath rooms. 1t probably got into the cam
paign in some way and was absorbed.
B. N.
Too MUCH Noise FOR THE SIZE.-After
most ridiculous and eXtravagant plea by
young lawyer in trivial case, an older
lawyer, who had quaint way Of saying
things, remarked in opening the opposing
side Of the case, that his young friends
elaborate plea reminded him of the expert
enco OF nolSnDOT Ol Ills enSdgeu Ill U[edh-
ing colt, and the story he told was in sub
stance like this:
The colt breaker made his young son
hide in the bush, while he himself, was to
mount the animal and put him at the top
of his speed to the hiding place, and the
boy was to rush suddenly out and shout,
"Boon n'-the idea being to prove how we'll
the colt would stand the scare.
Everything was done according to pro-
gramme, but the result was altogether too
much of scare for the colt, who kicked up
his heels and put down his head, and the
old man was thrown far over in the road on
his head.
Clearing the dust from his loosened teeth,
he made for the boy with the switch he had
cut to drive the colt, and with rage began
to dress the astonished young man down,
shouting "What did you do that for |?
What did you do that for ~
"But father" said the crying boy, ''you
told me to holler 'boon'
"Yes," said the old man, "but dang it,
it was altogether too big boo for so small
colt"