The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-11-06
VOL. XXX---NO. As.
VARIETIES.

| There is man in Minneapolis whose
mouth is so large that he eats pie with the
| fork of a road.
| "A nation cannot live without excite
mentl Good music, good songs, good paint
| ings, which were all new and truly native
would do more to cure the fanaticism and in
temperance of the land, than all the artificial
societies instituted for such purposes.
| "A lady living in Rappahannock county,
Va, had twelve stands of bees, which were
very valuable until distillery was started in
the neghborhood Since it was started.
however, the bees pay frequent visits to the
still, get very drunk and are of little profit
Uncle Jake Ito his chums, as an illustra-
| ton of the simplicity of stage load of city
folks recently under his charged "Ez we
| turned Claggetts Bluff, about seven o'clock,
the hull crowd busted out in Obs an Abs!
an what dye s'pose twas all about? Why,
one of them common red an yaler sunsets
Ethel used to play good deal in the
Sabbath school class. One day she had been
very quiet. She sat up prim, and behaved
herself so nicely that after the recitation was
over the teacher remarked ETHEL, my dear,
you were very good little girl to-day"
"1es'm. | couldn't help being good. l dot
tiff neck"
An old gentleman of eighty-four having
taken to the altar damsel of sixteen, the
clergyman said to him: "You will find the
font at the opposite end of the church"
"What do | want with the font ?" asked the
old gentleman. 81 beg your pardon" said
the clerical wit, Il thought you had brought
the child to be christened."
George, who is your family physician?"
OR. Smoothman." "What, that internal
numbskul? How does it happen you
employ himt" "Oh, it's some of my wifes
doings. She went to see him about a cold
in the head, and he recommended that she
wear another style of bonnet Since that
she won't have any other doctor"
Nervous old lady boards train; when
about to seat herself, discovers horrid man
with a gun in the car.
81 hope that thing is not loaded"
Frolcsome Sportsman: Eyes, Ma'am;
it is. However, will insert this cork in the
muzzle. There Quite safe now"
The timid one is satisfied.-LJe
"A pompous fellow was dining with a
country family, when the lady of the house
desired the servant to take away the dish
containing the fowl. which word she pro-
nounced fool, as it is not uncommon in Scot
land. 81 presume, madam, you mean the
fowl" said the prg, in a reprovng Tone
VERY well" said the lady little nettled, "be
it so. Take away the fowl, and let the fool
remain"
-Citizen.-"What are bones worth this
morning?"
Butcher.-"For grinding into fertilizers?
can make you very low rate by the ton"
Citizen.-"l will take all you have in the
shop"
Butcher.-"Its a bargain"
Citizen.-"Very well. Now give me Sun
day roast"
"A farmer was leading a calf in halter,
but on approaching the rise of bridge the
stupid brute refused to move further. The
farmer, seeing the rural postman coming to-
ward him, said to him, "Mister Postman, wad
we jist gle blaw ahint the calf and max it
come on?" The postman, keen for the bust.
ness gave a shrill blast with his horn, and
with one bound the animal cleared the wall
of the bridge, and fell into the running stream
beneath. The farmer first looked at the post
man, and then exclaimed, MAN, that was far
over big blast for a calfp
MIR. C-was pastor of a Baptist church
in a certain town in one of the Western
States. He had been on very bad terms with
his flock for some time. They abused him
whenever they could find occasion, and he
reciprocated with equal readiness Before
his contract with the parish expired he re-
ceived the appointment of chaplain at the
stale Prison. Elated at this lucky OppOrtu-
nifty of getting rid of him, the congregation
came in full numbers 10 hear his farewell SER
mon, perhaps less to compliment than to an
noy him with their presence Great was
their establishment, and still greater their
anger, when the Rev. chose for his text the
words, 81 go to prepare place for you-that
where am, there we may be also"
-Noseby, who had been away from town
some time, returned the other day. Shortly
friend met him and noticing his
seedy and low-spirited appearance, asked
'Moseby, what's the matter, old telow?"
Ruined" "Whatr "a financial wreck"
"How did it occur?" "Wel, you see, had
charge Of bridge not far from here The
owners of the bridge are very particular
about receiving every cent that is due them,
so they put in one of those registers 1t lisa
sort of fool arrangement, sunk in the foot
of the bridge and makes mark
with clinking every time anybody steps on
it. Well, everything was all right until the
other day. A big Newfoundland dog sat
down on the blamed thing and began to
scratch himself, and, sir, before noticed him
he had charged me up with 1915. Yes, am
a ruined man."