Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-07-09
WIT AND HUnIOR.

IL ID tilc size VI Hti idthci UaHh az
count.
The bridal parlor of the new Kim
ball House in Atlanta is decorated with
the astonishing quotation, 1.-The mel
ancholy days have come, the saddest of
the year,"
A young lady writes: ..How should
ayoung man kiss me?" If that young
lady possesses as little beauty as she
1 does sense she will in all probability
remain ignorant till death. Boston
| Post.
In Siam husbands gamble away their
! wives. In this country men think the
stake isn't worth playing for, even to
the extent that they don't care about
aunties unless the latter are flush.
Boston Times.
Old gentleman to railway porter
Porter. the rain is dripping in from
the lamp-hole all over my trousers. !"
Porter-"No, sir, it's quite water-tight,
| assure you; it's only the oil leaking a
bit. London Punch.
1t is stated that out of 100 men who
| parade in brass band at least forty
are dummies and only pretend to play.
1t will be seen that bands are more con-
siderate than is generally supposed. -
Philadelphia Call.
The hoop-snake, which takes its tail
in its mouth, and so trundles over the
ground, is, to say the least, regardless
of dress and its appropriateness. His
walking suit consists of a swallow-tail.
Pittsburg Bulletin.
How long does it take to become a
pianistp" asks subscriber. 1t is diff
cult to say. We know some people
who will never be pianists. This is re-
liable, and is published for the general
good of the community. -Neto York
Graphic.
'Live weight socials' are said to be
very popular now out West. We don't
know exactly what Five weight So
Gals" are, but the name suggests an
amusement that has been popular in
Somerville parlors on Sunday evenings
for long time past. SomerUille Jour
nal.
Last week the editor of the New
York Tribune sat in a room 168 feet
from the sidewalk and wrote an editor
ial condemning the erection of all
buildings more than $50 feet high. AS
the young man remarked at the board
ing-house, Take OIL the griddle; I'm
through. Detroit Free Press.
Mrs. JONES'" exclaimed Smithers,
sauntering into the breakfast room,
''the war in China has removed one Sc
rious cause for complaint against you. "
against mer' replied the presiding
matron from behind the urn. .'Yes, ]
see that the market reports quote tea
as being stronger, "-Eoston Courier.
Caucasian Tramp: my colored
friend, please lend me quarter. !
fought, bled. and suffered four years in
the Union army to make you a free
man." Colored Gentleman: You did
your duty, sab. but bout loaning you dat
quarter, don't kecr sab, to revive de
bitter memories oh de Wah. - Texas
SUtings.
Young Wife Gust home from the
cooking-schooD Il feel SO encouraged.
Miss Parloa eomplimentcd me on my
progress to-day. But poor Miss Smith
| am real sorry for her. She tried
hard, but she doesn't seem to get on al
all. Young Husband-You must re.
member, my dear. that Miss Smith has
no one to practice on. -NeO York Times.
A Kentuckian was guest at an up
town state dinner, and as often as his
champagne glass was rcplcnished he
would drain its contents with an in
jured and dissatisfied expression on his
face. Finally he turned to the gentle
man who sat on his right: II say
neighbcr," he whispered ''ain't they
goin' to give us anything to drink"
San francisco Hag'eside,
There's q good deal of money in
the house tonight said the head
usher. NONSENSE" replied the man
ager; more than thrce-quarters of
them are dead-heads. That's the
idea | was seeking to convey" said the
head usher; Il supposed there must
be good deal of money in the house;
| know that very few of them left any
at the box-ofiice. ''-BoSton Transcript
Cyrus w. Field says: Fifty years
ago this month came to New York as
a boy, and now am going away for a
long rest. My family will not accom-
pany me" This is little equivocal.
Are you going for business or pleas
ure?" said a gentleman to his friend
about to depart for Paris. For pleas
ure. docs your wife accompany
you?" Il told you | was going for
pleasure.
A little 5-year-old boy in Naugatuck
thinks great deal of his grandmother,
but is also specially interested in funer-
ais. The other day he said to that
lady: You are getting pretty old,
amt you, grandmother; you will die
one of these days, shan't you? /
should feel real bad to have you die.
but | s'pose the services would be at
the house, wouldn't theyP'- Waterbury
(Ct.) american.
The telegram read: 'The Maharaiah
of Nepaul has rendered $4,000 picked
Goorkhas for service in Afghanistan. :"
The printer made it read: "The Maha-
rajah of Nepaul has rendered $4,000
picked Gherkins for service in Afghan
istan." 1t might have been worse. No
doubt picked gherkins would be quite
rs acceptable as picked Goorkhas' in
Afghanistan, though we don't know
what picked Goorkha is NorriStown
Herald
Jinks-'.I tell you there is nothing
like looking after the pennies. Why,
some men pay 500 year in street-car
fares alone. Just think of it," Minks
well. you ride. too, don't you?"
NO, sir / don't; I'walk to and from
my place of business every day. So
you can see how much save" ''But
you live long distance off. Don't you
get tired?" "Oh, no; there are plenty
of beer saloons to rest in. PhiiadeL-
phta Gail.
A Danbury paper tells an astonish-
ing story of dog owned by Thomas
Mitchell, who lives on tho line of the
Shepaug Railroad. The dog had a
habit of chasing trains, and one day
recently was caught by the wheels and
lost a piece of his tail. Two hours
later he picked it UP, carried it to some
distance and buried it as carefully as
he would a bone The suspicious feat
IRE of the story is that Shepaug Rail.
road train ever ran fast enough to catch
dog. Hartford Times.
A Scotch minister was once ordered
.beef tea by his physician. The next
day the patient complained that it
made him sick. ''Why, minister"
said the doctor, ''rll try the tea my
sell. SO. putting some in a skillet,
he warmed it, tasted it, and told the
minister it was excellent MAN." says
the minister, lis that the way ye sup
it?f What ither way should il be