Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1885-05-12
HEROINE STATISTICS.
A RACT BIT OF SARCASM ON THE
EOvELS OF THE DAY.

Tho Figures Of the Fast Year showing How
Cupid Figures In the story Of Human
Life-Fragility and Dclicacy sun
In Very Marked Favor.
From the st. James Gazette.
During the twelve months ending the 3lst
OF March, 1886, the staircase has only six
times concealed the secret passage for which
1t was at one time so famous With those
exceptions, the staircase has invariably been
used Tor It's proper purpose where 1t has been
introduced at all--namely, for the introduce
ton of the heroine to the hero. Sometimes
she topples on tho stairs; more frequently
she stumbles; but the glance is passing more
frequent still. On one occasion her hair,
having escaped from It's ribbons, hung in
luxurianf confusion about her neck and
shoulders, and 20l times he has thought that
he never saw her look so beautiful. What
at these times he most desires to kiss Is the
hem OF her garment. Sho allows him to
| press his lips to her mouth eyes and ears,
but from his solitary confessions you gather
that 1t Is the hem he is really after, did she
but know il.
The year that has just closed has welded
"a heroines to the men OF their choice, 80
| nave married the wrong man, and either 81
| orol nave died. The grass has grown over
|
| grown green. The others have ended mis-
cellaneously. Ascompared with past years,
the rate of mortality is low. When, some
years ago, I first entered upon these inquiries,
consumption was very prevalent in novels,
and the hectic flush usually appeared AZ early
as the third chapter. But although there is
| some heart disease, our heroines are improy-
| ing In health, and they marry earlier now
IL Is slack week that does not make wives
1 n ha. T.. Al -
| pages, and I'm ono case in five the lady starts
| as wlie ana heroine simultaneously. In
forty-seven cases mothers have been tried
with very good results They have had 1l2
| children between them, ranging in age from
one calendar month to eight years, and he
has rescued seventy-one of these from a
| watery grave. Twelve of the original hus-
bands OF these heroines have perished in
railroad accident, three have been discovered
to be bigamists, seven have found note on
the drawing-room table that explained every
thing, and the remaining twenty-five are
really the men she loves, though she did not
know 1t at the time. These heroines promise
well for the coming season. Widows are
coming i'm again.
Against 372 blondes there have been 100
brunettes-an unusually large number
While the health average is distinctly higher
than in former years fragility and deIcacy
continue marked. Broad, low brows are in
great favor, and 1t Is a remarkable rcum-
stance that in seven cases out of ten the
mouth is, perhaps, a little too large. In fact,
been beautiful In the strict meaning of the
term. But, with a very few inconsderable
exceptions, they had something irresistible
about them; and this something Is usi,aiiy;
explained by pert little Roses turned up the
thousandIA passfft of an inch. A good nose is
Liars 40 longer what it was. The something
| has also close connection with dimples and
in tho rare cases in which these are neither
maddening nor bewitching they intoxicate.
1 ND HTnI and ,.t,n. L.
been shell like, the remainder rosy. There
| have been over thousand almond shaped
| eyes, OF which 6l2 have had a dreamy look
and 50 have flashed fire; while the latter
were flashing "a heroines drew them sely YES
up. 1T is remarkable how these statistics
fluctuate. In lS7S the shell-like car, which
tho year before had stood as high as COS fell
to 3i2, and rose again in 1880 to7l4 The ripe
| red lip remains stationary; but almond ewes
are extremely variable. I have known them
| a drug.
Rarely has the heroine been created who.
being herself tall and slender, had neither q
sister nor friend WHO'S small and plump.
; Where, however, the heroine inclines to en-
bonpoint, as she has done eighty-three times
this season, the foil of course has to suffer,
losing as much flesh as the other gains. Ii
does not seem probable that the plump
heroine will ever drive her more slender
rival from the field but she is doing we'll nj
balls, and the best noyelsts have never los,
. faith in her. With Dickens she was a de
cided favorite she had great time in the
: Waverly novels, and is still much admired
in the Emerald islo. To give satisfaction al
, ball Is more than might be hastily sup
posed for the heroines of the past season
have each spent on an average five-eighths
OF volume at them. She may look pale
under the lurid glare of the lamps or wear
but simple dress of white she NAV even
risk rival as beautiful as herself; but there
} IS one thing she can not do without She
, must have tinely-rounded arms. -Four hun.
mi inn h aban "A 4
been the admiration of tho ballroom and il
has struck 36l assemblages on seeing them
together that thcy are made for each other.
Fifty-six times she has tainted at the ball in
her lovers arms seventy-nines times he has
turned haughtily on his heel (this requires
| practice) and left her Ill times he has gone
with her into the conservatory to propose,
lO2 OF these declarations being observed by
dark hgure against the window (; and in all
but seven OF these cases he has omitted to
say that II his wife knew she might not like
il. If you have any difficulty in fixing on
the hero, he is always distinguishable by his
habit OF holding the heroines hand mo-
ment longer than is absolutely necessary.
He had smoked beneath her window l2l
times, and ia shadows have passed upon the
blind. In every case ii has been she. A
hundred and seven times it has been warm
night, and as she opened the window and
gaZed into the darkness her beautiful figure
was displayed to the best advantage. He
thought she was indeed an ethereal creature
| she had signed VI times, and asked herself
| what could this be. Twice out of three times
she has wondered if 1t was love, thrilling at
the question. Seventy-three times he has
seen tho folly, the madness of his passion.
aud has called at her fathers house to bid
them farewell. Half an hour has almost in
variably been the time that is to elapse be-
fore he starts for India and when he turned
his face in the direction of our dependency
she called him by his Christian name AZ
times, placed her hand upon her heart 81
times, and flung herself with a wild cry at
his bosom 10 times In rs cases if he had
| turned round when he reached the door this
| novel need never have been written Four
| teen times he has hesitated on the threshold
with his hand on the door, but nothing has
| come of it.
| He has gathered her up in his arms liz
times (here the plump ones are at an advant-
| age), folded her against his breast 81 times,
| drawn her to him IA times, taken her head
| between his hands l02 times, frightened his
| hold of her little waist 80 times, strained her
| to his heart 80 times, and plucked one burn
| ing Kiss from her lips (ah, how it burned
| into her sou1D, before parting with her for
| ever, l0l times. In the great majority of
| cases when they next meet he is cold and
| formal, and she filings herself upon her bed
| and asks what it means. She can not make
It out at all but the reader generally can,
Either he had been persuaded by his married
sister to engage himself to another when he
did not know what love was, or he has wife
in foreign parts The poorest creature of a