Milford chronicle., 1885-03-06
THE J0KER'S BUDGET.
WHAT WE FIND TO SMILE OVER IN
TUE HUMOROUS COLUMNS OF OUR
EXCHANGES.
Western DOE-A Conditional Offer Med.
icnl Advice by Teleph0ue-An Agree
ment-What she Would Have, Etc, Etc.

A Western DoE-A Conditional Oner-AIed
lcnl Advice by Telephoue-An Agree
ment-WhRt she Would Have, Etc, EtC
THE FOOL DOG.
] rented a house from a man in Wan
kegan several years ago, and when Lt
moved out he left his dog. He said i
was an amazin' good Watchdog, and fel
me to lock him into the kitchen nights
So the fust night I locked him in. and
oh he jst howled and tore round that
kitchen like all possessed, and in the
mornin' see he had guawed a hole
pretty near through the door, tryin' to
get out. So l thought if he would
ruther stay out than in, was willin',
and the next night I locked him ont.
And all night long that dog run round
the house, and howled and whined and
scratched and made tarnal fuss, and in
the mornin' I'm darned ef he hedn't
gnawed hole Almost through the door
while tryin' to git in, and I says to
myself "fOu internal fool won't
nuthin' satisfy you ?" So the third night
l left the kitchen door wide open, SOS
he could please himself, bout stayin' in
er stayin' out, and dern me, ef that dog
didn't set right in the doorway all night
and howl about nuthin' chicago
NelUs.
MEDICAL ADVICE BY TELEPHONE.
Husband-My wife has a severe pain
in the back Of her neck, and complains
of a sort Of soreness IL ihe stomach.
PhYsieiar-She has malarial collie
Husband-What shall I do for her d?
The girl at the central" switches of
to a machinist talking to a saW-mill
man.
Machinist to Husband-I think she
is covered with scales inside, about an
inch thick. Let her cool down during
the night, and before she fires up in tine
morning, take a hammer and pound her
thoroughly all over, and then take a
hose and hitch it to the fire-plug, and
wash her out
Husband has no further need OF this
doctor. Medical Journal
MARITAL EXPENSES.
Sam Perkins, of Hearne, Texas. is
somewhat of a philosopher, and is al |
ways giving good advice to his friends. !
He is somewhat cynical on the subject
Of matrimony, having had some sad ex.
perience in that line.
Not long since his nephew, Sam
5tinchcomb, told him that he intended
to marry Mary Bartlett.
"Has she got any money r. asked
Sam.
'No."
Have you got anyP"
"No."
''My dear boy, don't you know that it
I'M T1st-dlaal of money to carry on
~ wants, Ainqs.
y lEasSF
All tiiSle - 44.s, - "a ~ -
ellow ''I have met with nothing ~ D
ontinued disappointments, and l can
ee no use in prolonged existence"
Il don't see why you should live
ejOined an acquaintance. II don't
now that you have ever done any good
the world, and can't see why You {
ant to live"
"What r exclaimed the disheartened
ian, who had been looking for sym /
athy. ''Don't see why I should live
onfound your ugly picture, I've as
luch right to live as you have" :
There are times when it will not do TO +
gree with a friend. d.-ArkansaiU Trav.
Ter.
NO TROUBLE ABOUT II. il
A member of the Select Committee of s
e Senate, appointed to find ont the
powers of foundries 81
I'd factories in the United States, met s.
ravers at Newport.
"How do You do, Senator-?" said Il
r. Travers, "and what are you doing a,
'wadays? Still at work ?"
eyes, said the Senator. eve are n
ving to find firms that can produce Z
eel enough for big guns, and platings
, cruisers. Il,
Mr.. TraVers has little stutter. u
Mo trouble about that, sup. ~ ~
Sc; c-capaeity for steal always great ~
ough for a government contract.
WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE. eS
There was a sound of revelry by night ~, a.
o mansion down in shanty town. The 'i'
1quetiDg hall was filed with ladies
r and gallants brave. lo
'Bidelia, wot will yez hev ?" asked m
hostess of her beautiful frst-born, w
o was occupying a seat at the front
lie. re-
Mother, dear, I'll have some quail AS
toast and champagny sauce. " ye
'Yez will, viii We Well, yez'll take
k and beans like the rest aV thin, or lar
l git out av that an Civ yer safe far
Nary Ann. That's wot yen dhu. - bri
1nipeg SiJtings. :
TIME TO CALL THIS IN. Br
Mrs. Sharp, can't you find anything hill
to do than blow me up continually, Ma
9never I say that Dinah isn't a good
k, and you should discharge her and raj
another ?" cav
Well, John, if you don't like the S5
take it, I'll find some other way
blow you up, as you call it." d
How ?" r. ~
Well, Dinah might, for instance" - y
EST HE SHOULD REMAIN IN DOUBT.
aptain Jerome, while visiting Col. tba
Higginson, took derringer from shil
table and asked plis
This thing loaded ?" But before the
mel could reply the weapon was dis
'6ed, the bullet tearing away one Of .3'V
fingara of Inc visitor TIen ~ Ale
mel, who Is widely known on ac- Oi
1t of his extreme politeness, bowed 1
efully and reioined: plaC
Not now, my dear Captain. "-Ar. N t
3alV Traveller. we
CONDITIONAL OFFER. A
will give you conductorship on MOI
'oad on one condition." said the mad
wor
What condition is that, sir ?" asked into
applicant. m
hat when you get ready to buy a ~
e and lot you buy of me. I have 0ap
place in the suburbs that 1 know si,;n III
'' o1 by r
A-OOeNiAhD 81 DoS' can
iOOk here Mr. Consumer every rosia