The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1885-04-23
WIT AND HUMOR.

principally upon their experience, the
way it strikes them.
An old darky in Kentucky signs him.
self Col Henry Clay Jones. When
asked why he should prefix that title
to his name, as he had no right to it,
| he replied. Yes, has, sah" ..But
you are not a Colonel dat DON
mean Colonel. boss; dat means color
ed."-N. Y. Times.
A would-be author called on Mr..
Fields one day at his office in the pub
clearinghouse of Ticknor & Fields. Ev-
identity the young man did not ike Mr..
Fields appearance, for this was the
conversation: lis this Mr.. Fields?"
at is, sir" "Mr. James T. Fields?"
81 am he'' ..Well, then, I'd like to
| see Mr.. Ticknorr'
Il love color, and | think it is one of
the misfortunes of our sex that we can't
wear anything but black, or grey, per-
! haps, in summer. Now, in nature the
! male is always the most gorgeous, but,
except in the time of the cavaliers, the
| dress of men has been somber The
i cavalier was magnificent. l wish the
day might come when We might dress
so again. | should like to flame out
myself [laughterl, but it is too late, too
late. '-Hemry Ward Beecher.
Cicely had just dropped in to con-
graduate her friend on pleasant pros
poets directly after Lent. 80, I'm so
| glad for you, my dear. Augustus al
ways was such charming company.
Oh, he's real nice. He paid me mark
ed attention half dozen years ago."
Indeed! / believe I've heard him say
something about you being very dear
| friend of his mother" The coffee
cream froze in the little quaint pitcher
| on the table. So did the mornings
conversation Haryord Post.
Pete Ousterhout is one of the most
rascally negroes in Galveston. He was
caught stealing poultry, and brought
up before the justice. 1.-The evidence"
said the Judge, "shows that you stole
the chickens from Colonel Jones' hen
coop, and the fine should be five dol
lars, but I'll let you off this time"
'Who wants ter be let off," exclaimed
the prisoner. 81 steals my chickens,
and pays my fine, and don't ask nuf-
fin oh nobody. Dis heah mixin up sem
timent and bizness am what's ruinin'
de kentry. "-Te1as Sitings.
An S-year-old in the Lewiston Gram
mar-school was with the rest of the
class in the hall the other day, getting
ready for the Longfellow exercises.
One of the boys who was to take part
| in the exercises was absent. and the
teacher desiring to know what part the
| absent boy was to take in the exercises,
1oolyoI ha al ocl-ol.
'What did James have?" Out of the
row spake the S-year-old, with a loud
voice that came right out from beneath
pug nose and honest eyes, and said:
james had the mumps, ma'am. -
LeWistoUn (Ne.) Journal
Insomnia is a dreadful disease, amt
| itp" remarked a passenger from Fort
| Wayne; "now there's neighbor of
mine has bad case of it, and that
poor mans sufferings have drove me
nearly wild. His house is only twenty
| feet from mine, and | can hear him at
| nearly all hours of the night. I've laid
| awake hours and hours just on account
| OF him-Im so sympathetic. More
! than that, l have prayed and prayed
| that death might come to his relief"
Strange that you should be so much
| affected by his sleeplessness. You
! think so? Well, you wouldn't if you
could hear him some night. He plays
the flute. "-Chicago Herald.
Medical advice by telephone: Hus-
band-''My wife has a severe pain in
| the back of her neck, and complains of
sort of soreness in the stomach"
Physician-"She has malarial collie"
Husband-s'Wh shall do for her?"
| THE girl at the central switches
| off to a machinist talking to a sawmill
man. Machinist to Husband-'I
| think she is covered with scales about
an inch thick. Let her cool down dur
ing the night, and before she fires up
in the morning take a hammer and
pound her thoroughly all over, and
then take a hose and hitch it to the
fire-plug and wash her out" Husband
has no further need for this doctor. -
Leomard'S Aedicat Journal.
/ was going up in one of the Yonge
street cars the other evening. The car
was well filed on both Satisfactorily
by ladies-and, being very narrow, it
was next to impossible for one to move
in or out by reason of the interlocked
feet OF the passengers. A lady got on
the platform and sought a seat, but
there was none for her. A young man
at the front of the car rose and offered
| his, but the new passenger couldn't
make her way to it. The other ladies
| looked back at her very indifferently,
and, while it would be the easiest thing
in the world to ''move up a peg" none
| OF them budged. You may as well
| take your seat, SIR" | heard some one
say to the young man; s.ladies never
| make room for each other Toronto
| (Oatario) Globe.
An Ottawa letter represents that the
| Marquis of Lansdowne, the Governor
| General, and his consort endeavor to
make themselves popular with the
| Canadians and all local celebrities are
| pretty sure of gratifying attentions
| from them. Not long since tie Marquis
saw in the local newspaper that GER
tain gentleman. whose name CORES
| ponded with that of a native author.
| was registered at an Ottawa hotel. Be-
| ieving it to be the author, their excel
| lencies invited him to dine. Dinner
| was announced for half-past seven; but
at quarter of eight a telephone mes
sage came: Cant go; I'm stuck for
a pair of evening boots" Come on;
never mind that" was the reply. He
| did come, but he was not the author.
| Good heavens! we've got the wrong
man." whispered an aide. But we
| must make the best of it now" was
the hosts reply. He was a boisterous
commercial traveller, a driver of fast
horses arraVed in massive chains and
| elaborate rings.
Modern Dress and Antique Minds.