Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-09-06
WIT AND HUMOIs.
All. THERE!

And the man VINO rCHds us MS 'HVtle toi"Hs
Has lost his voice like the girl who sinRsi
when the still breath of the cornct man,
And the shrillinv cords OF the quartet cian!
When our nciphbors children have lost their
drums,
oh, what win we do when the good timo
comcsp
oh, what win we do In hat good, blithe time.
when the, tramp will work-oh' thihs suo-
And the scornful dame who stands on her
feet
And the man you hire to work by tho day
viii allow you to do his work your way;
And the cook who tricth yournppctite
VIII steal no more than she thinks ~ right;
When the boy you hire will call you Sir"
Instead OF Say and 'Uuverner;
when the funny man IL humorsome-
How can we stand the miilcnniumr
Robert j. Burdette In brooklyn Eagle.
The comma bacillus will soon cross the main;
He IL coming To US from his chateau In spain.
The comma blo lus will never know pause.
There's death ~ his legs; there Is death IN
The doctors viii gather; they'll meet him in
vain;
Louisville Couricr-J nal.
She kissed her pug-with haste arose
And rRincd upon that creatures nose
A storm OF osculations sweet.
The dude reclining at her feet
Remarked, as he looked stdcwise up:
~ wish that I'd been born pup"
Then smiling coldly from her throne,
She said: And were you born fun RrOwn2'
San Francisco Wasp.
PA" said Johnny. at Barnum's cir
Gus the other day. ''if one Of those
Arabs should fall down and knock all
of his teeth out, would he talk gum
Arabicp"
To be yachtman one must own n
white flannel suit, some brass buttons,
white cap with gold braid and an
idea that he owns the earth. 1t Is not
necessary TO own yacht Few OF
them do. boston Post.
Paragraph from story in Chambers
Journal: ("I may here state for the
benefit of the uninitiated that throwing
ones hand up is a sign throughout
America that one doesn't intend to
draw pistol and shoot"D
A little grammar is a dangerous
thing:
johnny, be good boy and l will
take you to the circus next year"
Take me now, pa; the circus is in
the present tents. .'-Boston Budget.
A Texas Judge fined man for call
ing him liar while court was in ses-
sion. The Judge, in explaining to the
mans friends, said: II know that I
am a liar, but not while court is in scs-
sion, gentlemen" ."-ArkdnsdU Irdu-
eier.
There are degrees OF excellence even
in baked beans. A South End restau-
rant recognizes grades in this esculent,
and advertises, Baked Beans, ten
cents. Choice Baked Beans, ffteon
cents.'-Boston Saturday Evening Ga
zette.
A Marklesburg mother, having oc-
casion to reprove her little 7-year-old
daughter for playing with some rude
children, received for u reply, "Well,
ma, some folks don't like bad compa-
ny. but | always did. "---Altoona (Pa.)
tribune.
Prof. Proctor says that at least 45O. :
600 meteors fall from the heavens and
strike the earth every hour during the
year. And yet when a man goes home
with black eye and u damaged tile.
and tells his wife that he was struck
by a meteor. she will not believe him.
Teacher-"So you can't do simple
sum in arithmetic. Now. let me ex-
plain it to you. Suppose eight Of you
have together forty-eight apples, thir-
ty-two peaches, and sixteen melons,
what will each of you get?" "Choler-
er morgus,' replied johnny Fizzletop,
who is addicted to that malady.
A Kentucky girl was strucx by light
ming while dressing for her wedding.
She recovered in time for the ceremo-
ny, and less than six months afterward
her happy husband thought that Il sim
liar experience had befallen him when
he came softly in at the front door
about 3 o'clock one morning. -Somer-
viLte JOurHai.
Don't you think" said Mrs. Keep
er, that when Adam realized the vast
ness of the world into which he had
been ushered he must have had a great
deal on his mindp" Well" respond
cd Mrs. Blunt. "from the photographs
have seen Of him, | should say that
whatever he did have on must have
been on his mind"
mo. Henry, have no objections to
your going to the lodge, but don't you
think the cruelty to animals society
would object to feeding that poor goat
on whisky and tobacco?"
Henry bushes like girl AZ he says
that he will mention the matter to the
most worshipful, puissant regent upon
the first OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES Tran
script.
You say your husband has q good
memory. do you, Mrs. Crimson beakp"
20. excellent"' responded tho lady ad-
dressed. "And how do you know il is
so very goodp" "Well. l asked him
to bring me home q mackerel week
ago, and he brought it home to-day.
Now a man must have u pretty good
memory to remember little thing like
that for whole week. - Yonkers States
man.
1t is impossible for some people to
reason from cause to effect. 81 Slip
shod in giving the Health Inspector a
little OF his experience the other day
let himself out thus:
Now, sec here, Mr.. Inspector, |
know suthin' or other about this ere
cholery. When it was comm SO fast
u few years ago, l cleaned up the en-
tire premises an got all ready fur it;
but II didn't come. So SAYS to my
self, this time. ! amt goin' to fool
around expectin' cnolery again"
Very well, SIR" said the Inspector,
you are type Of more than half Of
the fools of the Country."-Haryord
Post.
Pat" he called TO the man who was
leveling down at the far end Of the
dump-scow, "why don't you bring your
father over from Irelsnd?"
Cant afford 1t, your honor"
''But the steamships and railroads
are now carrying passengers for moth
ing, and throwing In Turkish bath as
q premium"
True. sir, as me old woman was
saying last night; but the stage-fare
from the old mans home to the near