The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1885-10-22
What Ruined Eli Perkins Intellect.

What ruined me and got me into All
idiot asylum was this: used to have
strong contempt for lawyers. | though:
there long cross-examinations were brain
less dialogues for no purpose. But ever
since Lawyer johnson had me as wit
ness in wood case I have bad bftter
opinion of the lawyers skill. In my
direct testimony had sworn truthfully
that John Hall had cut ten cords of wood
in three days. Then johnson sharpened
his pencil and commenced examining
me.
"Now, Mr.. Perkins," he began, show
much wood do you say was cut by Mr..
Hall?"
"Just ten cords, sir" answered bold
ly. ri measured it,"
"That's your impression 2"
eyes, sir"
"Well, we don't want impressions, sir.
What we want is facts before this jury
facts, sir; facts"
"The witness will please state facts
hereafter" said the Judge, while the
crimson came to my face.
"Now, sir" continued Johnson, point.
ing his finger at me, "will you swear that
it was more than nine cords?"
"Yes, sir. It was ten cords-just-"
"There! never mind" interrupted
johnson.
"Now, how much less than twelve cords
were there ?"
1.-TWO cords, sir"
"How do you know there were just
two cords less, sir? Did you measure
these two cords, sir?" asked Johnson,
savagely.
"No, sir; /"
"There, that will do ! You did not
measure it. Just as I expected. All
guess.work. Now, didn't you swear a
moment ago that you measured this
wood 2"
eyes, sir but"
"Stop, sir! The jury will note this
discrepancy"
"Now, SIR" continued Johnson, l!ewly,
as he pointed his finger almost down my
throat, "now, sir, on your oath, will you
swear that there were not ten cords and
half7"
"Yes, sir" answered, meekly.
"Well, now, Mr.. Perkins, demand a
straight answer-a truthful answer, sir.
How much wood was there?"
"T-T-Ten c.c.cords," answered,
hesitatingly.
"You swear it?"
"I-I-d-d-do."
"Now, continued Johnson, as he smil.
ed satirically, do 20 know the penalty of
perjury, sir 2"
eyes, sir, +"
"On your oath, on your solemn
oath, with no evasion, are you willing to
perjure yourself by solemnly swearing
that there were more than nine cords of
wood?"
eyes, sir, L"
"Aha! Yes, sir. You are willing to
periure yourself then? Just as thought
turning to the Judge; you see, your
Honor, that this witness is prevaricating.
He is not willing to swear that there
were more than nine cords of wood. 1t
is Infamous, gentlemen of the jury, such
testimony as this" The jury nodded
assent and smiled sarcastically at me.
'Now," said Johnson, ~ will ask this
perjured witness just one more question"
II ask you, sir-do you know-do you
realize, sir, what an awful-a.w.f.u-l
thing it is to tell lie?"
eyes, sir" I said, my voice trembling.
"And, knowing this, you swear on your
solemn oath that there were about nine
cords Of wood !"
"No, sir; don't do anything Of"
"Hold on, sir Now, how do you know
there were just nine cords ?"
II don't know any such thing, sir, T."
"Aha you don't know then? Just as
I expected. And yet you swore you did
know. Swore you measured it. Infa-
mousl Gentlemen of the jury, what
shall we do with this perjurer?"
"But L"
"Not a word, sir-hush This jury
shall not be insulted by perjurerW
"Call the next witness!'
This is why I am now keeping books
in lunatic asylum.
ELI PERKINS.