, 1885-05-17

que ton solely Of my duty to my uncle. but
o. my inty to my uncle verzus my duty to
Julia And thon, myself, surely ! was enti-
tel - a little consideration As Walter
Dsne very neatly puts it, Aasro was Chris
una's happiness and his own on tho one
hand, sst In the scale against the feeble
remnant Of a selfish old mans days on tbs
other For Christina read Julia" and for
-hiS own @my own" and there you arei
Then, again, every one admits In these en-
lightsnel days that the greatest happiness
OF the greatest number is the true test OF
morality. Julia and l were clearly the
greatest number. for we were two to one.
Really. the arguments all pointed one way.
/ tried To dismiss the matter from my
mind, but il wouldn't DO dismissed-
argued the matter seriously with myself
l tried u tot up my unclos virtues and To
SEQ precisely what the world would lose by
ioing him. He was good naturcd-I felt
bound to admit that much in his favor.
Secondly, no was honest; though there
wasn't much credit in that, seeing that be
had no temptation TO the contrary. Thirdly.
he was-he was-Ho, for the life Of mo
couldn't think Of any other virtue that he
could fairly claim credit for. we virtues,
all told. And was n man with this paltry
allowance of moral Recommendation, ter
ribiy yet OF, per contra, by his rcd cotton
handkerchief. his crumpled shirt front, and
hi vulgar jokes)-was a man like this by his
continued existence to divide two loving
heartsi Clearly not Ny course was plain,
whHtever the violence to my own feelings
My uncle must die.
This being settled, tho next question was
-Howf7 could not bring myself to prod
tho old gentlomnn with n bowie-knite, as
Walter Deno did with his uncle. Stabbing
has always seemed to mo u clumsy medieval
sort Of way OF getting rid Of an enemy. 1t
is apt, moreover, to leave telltale spots
upon the operators pantaloonS Firearms
were equally out Of the question l never
fired off anything in my life save a penny
cannon in early youth, and then. remember,
the deadly weapon few backward and broke
the whsh-houss window. The fact Is i'm
pressed on my memory because the breakage
cost mo IS pence out OF my hard earned
pocket money. Poison would have been more
in my line, but a gentleman can't take any
thing to disagree with him nowadays with
out those confounded analytical chemist
poking their noses into his inside and finding
out what he last took for supper. Hanging
was obvioualy unsuitable. Apart from
other objections. nothing short OF n hawser
could have supported n man Of my uncle'a
dimensions Drowning would have suited
we'll enough, but you can't very we'll drown
a man who mover by any chance goes on the
water. should have preferred to get him
mixed up in a railway accident or a dyna-
mite explosion, but It is difficult 10 ascer-
tain beforehand the exact time when events
OF this kind are likely to come of. Altar
mature consideration decided to get him
run over, and accordingly inyeigled him
down to tho bank in the busiest part
of tho day, gave him a heavy luncheon,
with two or three glasses Of prime old port.
and then steered him neatly into the middle
OF the traffic, right in front OF a passing han
SOM As luck would have It, he saw his
danger just in time, and escaped 1t by n
hairs breadth. My own attention had been
so much absorbed by tho hanson that l had
not noticed an omnibus Immediately behind
me. | was knocked down and all but run
over myself, and my uncle took me home
terribly bruised and shaken In the very han
som which / had intended to lie tho instru-
mont OF his promotion to the better world.
To ado insult to injury he lectured mo
all the way homs in n thick, p~ort-Winsy
voice on the necessity OF being more care
tul in crossing busy th~oroughfares- l was
in bed for a week, and consumed arnica
enough to stock n chemists shop before /
could move about with any degree OF com
fort Meanwhile, however, l had had leisure
to perfect my plans, and had the good
fortune to hit on a method Of extinction
which would be both SURF and painless. 4
had seen a medical man OF my acquaintance
destroy an injured poodle with chloroform,
and was struck by the simplicity of tho
process He poured q little Of tho fluid on
a handkerchief, held it to the dogs nose,
and after one or two inspirations the ami
NAL rolled over on Its side, dead. l resolved
10 chloroform my uncle after tho same
manner Accordingly, l purchased a small
quantity Of the liquid, and, watching my
opportunity. when the old gentleman, hav-
ing imbibcd his customary gin and water,
threw his handkerchief over his head and
went to sleep, / cautiously moistened the
handkerchief with the chloroform, letting
the wetted portion hang down well over his
nose. He breathod rather moro stertorously
than before, but otherwise made no sign.
Presently the stertorous breathing drew
fainter and fainter. and at last ceased alto
gether. All was over. and l began to con
slider what would DO tho best method OF
communicating tho unfortunate occur
renee to the rest Of the household. |
hesitated whether to give tho alarm myself
and say that my uncle had been seized with
an Apoplectic fit, or 10 quit the room and
leave somebody else TO make the paint ul dis
coyery. l finally decided on the latter
course, and was Just leaving the room when
the supposed dead man suddenly sat up with
a snort @Pahl Pishi Poohi What's this
| uuIIlu nIltil o IOlttn hpplo1t linen unulnK
1t was his own handkerchief that smelled,
he flung it from him. saying, denny, you
rascal, you've been up to your lArks again
You've been putting some Of your nasty
patchouli stuff ON my handkerchief. de-
clare 1t has given me quite a headache"
was only too glad to snatch at tho sug-
g~estion; l owned tho soft impeachment, n
promised not to play such a trick again. Ny
uncle had another glass OF gin and water in
consideration OF bis headache, and we retired
to rest How my uncle slept | can't say, but
l had uncomfortable dreams of a public
ceremonial, In which Mr.. Bartholomew
Binns, very drunk n gentleman In clerical
attire, and myself played prominent parts
Icame down to breakfast feeling horribly
seedy and low spirited. Ny uucle, on the
contrary, was jovinl and in unusually spruce
array.
what n swell you are this morning. 1 re-
markell.
@Ah, I'm a moneyed man to-day he re-
piled. @rm going into the city to draw my
annuity"
your whAtf l exclaimed.
@My annuity. The fact Is. Benny, my
boy, you and l are such gay young dogs
that l found / was living beyond nv in
como and dipping into the capital That's
n sort OF amusement that don't last long,
you know. and l like to DO on the safe side.
SO, the other day whom l was in the city. l
just walked into one OF the big Insurance Of
hses and sunk the little lot in an annuity.
Five hundred and ten pounds a year they
give mo; 50 long as l live, Benny, my boy,
you and | are safe Of our little pocket
money. By tho time go of tho books
which won't be for another twenty years or
50, l hope no doubt you'll DO pocketing
your thousand II year and won't want it,"
100 heavensi what an escape I had hAdi
II I had carried out what l now felt to b.