Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-03-03
WIT AND HUMOR.
The Zuni Indians have smoked Gig

Slgnment. t.-DtOoMthgtOH rye
A medical writer says anything that
will make person sneeze will cure the
hiccoughs. Snuff said.-St, Pau! Her
aid.
The small boy who wants to be an
angel finds himself checked at every
turn. Now he can't ride on the omni-
bus steps any more.-BoSton Globe.
wife, did you bring your opera
glass with you?" Yes; but l can't
use it." why not?" ''Oh. | left
my diamond ring at home.-Boston
Beacon.
How anybody could shoot O'Dono-
van Rosa without hitting his jaw is
one of those mysteries that overcome
US like summer cloud Florida
Times Union.
How do you pronounce s-t-i-n-g-y?"
asked the teacher of the Ounce of the
class. The boy replied: 1T depends
a good deal on whether the word re-
fers to a person or a bee. "-lroUideHce
NeUs.
An exchange prints an article head
ed ..Do Hogs Pay?' Some hogs do
not. There are number of that class
in this city who owe newspapers, print
ing-offices, and every other shop they
car owe; but they don't pay, those
hogs don't t.-Sdn ARt0Hio Times.
.'Are you out in society this winter,
Mrs. Crimsonbeak?" asked an acGuaint-
ance, meeting her in the milliner's.
.'Oh, yes" replied the lady, admiring
an ostrich tip; Mrs. Fussanfeather and
are both out. We don't speak, You
know. " YonkerS Statesman.
A patent medicine advertisement
propounds the startling question: DO
you know why your liver fails to act?'
We do. Our liver has no legs to dis
play in fascinating tights, and does not
yearn for the applause of the multitude
or the triumphs of the stage.-3hrough
Mail
80 you didn't succeed very well
with your school in Illinois?" mo;
had to give it up at the en: of the first
month" did you use the blackboard
much?' No. 1t was too large But
l used all the other furniture about the
room that wasn't nailed down. ~.
7. Graphic.
A bright wife whose husband had
contracted club fever hit upon a bril-
liant scheme recently. She procured a
partly-worn gentleman's glove and left
it on the parlor sofa when she retired,
after sitting up until y clock for her
lord. He does not 60 out in the even
ing now.-7roy Times.
Charlie, you seem downcast. What's
up?" .Just lost hundred" "How?"
Il bet 800 with Simpson that Jenkins
would say. It's cold, amt it?' when we
met him" "Well, what did jenkins
say?" why, the. internal ass said:
Well, is this cold enough for you?' l
Just lost by hair, you see.'
Miss Roseleaf (who is trying to force
a conversation)-What do you suppose,
Mr.. Van Noodle, makes our hostess
reception so invariably stupid? Mr..
Van Noodle-Aw, weally, | haven't
ghost of ideaw. Miss R.-And all the
other gentlemen are very much like
you. Yes, that must be the reason.
A student at the University of Texas
being short of funds wrote to his faith
er in Galveston: Send me 500 by
return mail. He who gives quickly
gives double" The old gentleman re-
piled by the next mail, inclOsing so
with the remark that rs he had re-
sponded promptly the $50 inclosed was
equivalent to the desired S1OO.-IeraS
Sytings.
Henrietta, dear??'' Yes, ma"
from the daughter at the door parting
from her sweetheart, who Is just kiss
ing her good night. Tell George to
look out for the paint" George does
not kiss her again. Henrietta thinks it
is real mean of her mother to give her
away, until she remembers that the
front gate has just been newly painted.
San Francisco Chronicle.
We hear many complaints of hard
times, but really the Granger is gliding
along easily, and we would have no oc-
casion to call for money had we not de-
cided to build $4,000 residence this
spring, and we lack just Sl5.S7 of hay
ing enough to complete the house. but
as soon as this amount comes in we
will be all right, and we are not COM
planning as it iS.-NcmahG (Neb.)
Granger.
"Why, Caroline, aren't you ashamed
of YOURSELF" exclaimed a mother, en-
tering the parlor, and addressing her
daughter. Your poor father has only
been dead three weeks, and here you
are playing on the piano" Hes
been dead longer than that, NAV. He
died on the second, so YOU see he's
been dead four weeks" That's a
fact, said the mother. Go ahead. |
declare my memory is failing me-
ArbanSaI0 TrdUeIer.
First College Man-"Have you heard
the awful news about Princeton?''
Second College Man princeton!
Great Caesar! Hasn't burned down, has
it," No, not exactly; but it has
from the rowing assOcia-
ton" ..Oh. Well, that's not so bad.
Such step was absolutely necessary
in order to give the students a fair
chance, you know" "A fair chance?'
Yes, it is simply impossible for an ed
institution to do full justice
to rowing without actually neglecting
base ball"
Another big failure" said Smith, as
ne opened his morning paper. "A big
failure?" queried his spouse. Yes.
A firm in Holland, who were engaged
n the wholesale sugar trade, have
Jailed for S1,O O.OOO." ..Is it posi-
Dler' exclaimed Mrs. Smith. The re-
cent reduction in the price of sugar
caused their failure, didn't it?" Il
ion't know" said Smith. Il guess
he reason of their failure was because
he weather was too cold for anybody
% dig sand"
'.Seen that cut the Pennsylvania
'oad's made to Chicago?" asked the
Tramp of the tramp in the |
Palace Box-Car-.'S1 for thousand |
niles. That's one mill miler' .'It's
going to do great harm to business"
responded the Box-Car tramp.
Sure as you live, replied the Finan-
'ial tramp. The cadging and haAd-