The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1885-02-14
Paragraph Fiend.
ON u lark Feathers,
Hard hearted "A peach

Ardent reformers Women who pad.
Perrys yictory--A pearcider drunk.
Perfectly shocking-Ane earthquake.
4 door bele-The pretty maid servant
Where the gazclle comes in-At the
menagerie
1t is no slur on n grocer to say that he
has no sand.
Poets are born" This, by the way, is
the case with everybody,
As display of hosiery, the roller rink Is
said to exceed the French opera.
DR.. Mary Walker was born in Middle
sex That accounts for it,-Chicdg0 SIM
With umbrellas like men it is generally
the poorest that gets lefty. I J0Nrndt
Breaches of promise-Thosc the tailor
said he would have finished Saturday.
Butter is going up The more it goes up
the less it Will go down.-DrorerS Jonr'
Awkward idiot-"Your train is quite
long, Miss Lucy" Miss Lucy-"lt Will
not be so long if you take two feet OF 1t"
De WenH
A Boston girl, who saw fellow with de
lrum tremens, exclaimed; unhappy
man! Why do you permit yourself to get
the James Jams?'
PRAYING on your knees at night will not
excuse you for preying on your neighoor
during the day time Waterloo Observer.
II Door rule that will not work both
ways, for if whisky downs man II IS be
cause the man first downed the WHISKY
Waterloo Observer.
A man who saw an apparltion OF his DE.
ceased wife said he was not scared but sort
Of surprised because he didn't eXpectre.--
Shannon ErpreSs.
what is the stuff that dreams are made
of >" injuries a poet If he wants 10 man
ufacture a frst-class variety dream, lobster
salad can be highly recommended -BoSfon
Post
"Its cold day." said Jones, AS he passed
smith on the street the other day "Scod
day, Great Scott is your wife on her ear,
to0y" asked Smith.-Nenman independent.
W. w. Corcoran the aged philanthro'
pist, has Outliyed three doctors who pre-
dicted his early death. He threw physic
to the dogs The dogs have not been heard
from.
Powerful steel knives which will cut
cold iron have been invented. The invent
or hopes In time to produce knives which
will cut eating house pie crust.-Nor7s-
hscn Herald,
A Texas county Judge recently delivered
farewell address which excited the admi-
ration Of all his friends until some offlcious
person discovered that Washington had de.
liyered the same address many years ago,
In anger flew her agile jaws. and swear
words darted from her tongue; the maid
was fighting mad because she couldn't
make her bangs stay bung.-Se'oi Weeh7y
Death Rattle.
A scientist has discovered that drunken.
ness is q contagious disease. When mar
ried man goes home at midnight with .
demoralized pair Of legs he is liable to
catch it," we've been told
An old maid in Nashville keeps a parrot
which swears, and monkey which chews
tobacco She says, between the two she
doesn't missIa husband very much.-NCr
chant 7raosIer
An Englishman claims TO have discover
ed an animal with four eyes. This shows
what poor whisky they have on the island.
IL IL had been In America the animal
would have had not less than % eyes.
A lady whose husband had contracted
club fever hit upon brilliant scheme re
Gently. She procured partly worn gen
tleman's glove and left it on the parlor
sofa when she retired, after sitting up till
IL o'clock for her absent lord. He does not
20 out in the evenings now.
A young man who left home in Connec
tcut several years ago to seek his fortune,
recently wrotefrom Texas saying: II have
settled here" Ii has since TRANSFERRED that
he was right He had settled at twenty
cents on the dollar
NEVER WAS MAN 50 SAT tro\
Only girl on roller skates
only female dcfying the fatcs
Only a step or two out on the floor,
Only this--thcn something more,
Only Il man On the backward glide.
With hands outstrctchCd and feet
spread wide
Only bold dash, then duh thud,
Only scream that would curdlc
your blood.
Only minglinE of stripe, in air
Only Il shower of auburn hair,
Then she sat on him 10y the ton
Never was man so sat upon,
One of the good stories about Grant Is,
that Marshal Jewell once told the General
that CharelS Sumner did not believe in the
Bible. Don't wonder" quickly replied
the imperturable Ulysses; Sumner did