Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1885-01-28
HUMOROUS ITEMS.


The heap OF ashes on his lonely hearth.
HUMOROUS ITEMS.
A WOMAN ut Pekin, ILL.,, has finger
nails an inch long, Her husband goes
creeping around as if he was walking on
tacks.
TIE conductors on street-cars in
Mexico always carry revolvers. Prob
ably they want to shoot the fares after
they have knocked them down.
THEY have found one place in Oregon
where the snow is only seven feet deep,
and the people are pointing to it and
calling: @Come West if you want
eternal summer
FASHIONABLE Ma-@Children! chill
dren! stop that noise. Sit down and
keep quiet" Children-"W Why, what's
the matter, Map" Ma-"Doggie is tax
ing his nap Philadelphia Call.
A MAN who paid q plumber $500 TO,
putting the water on every floor of his
house said when the chimney caught
fire the engine company did the same
job without charging him penny.
OLD gentleman to railway porter
Porter, the rain is dripping in from
the lamp hole all over my trousers.
Porter-"No, sir, it's quite water tight,
I assure you; it's only the oil leaking a
bit."-[Ex.
"THAr was very mysterious robbery
the other day" why, I don't see
what mystery there was about it. The
detectives caught the thieves the same
day" Eyes. That's what I said
New York Graphic.
A SUNDAY-sCHooL pupil illustrates
responsibility" in this way. Boys has
two buttons for their braces, SOS to
keep their trousers up. When one but
ton comes off. why, there's a good deal
of responsibility on the other button"
ONCE certain lad thought in an ab-
sent minded way, that he was in Sun
day school, when he really was in
weekly school. What state do you
live IMP" asked the teacher. "A state
of sin and misery" drawled out the boy.
@BREAD is the staff of life" unused the
crusty baker, and, in default of any
other club, he seized stale loaf and
gave the burglar such vigorous swipe
that he rolled oven over Philadel-
phia News.
DooToR-"But, dear madam, why let
you me not before be called? Your
husband lies indeed already in the
highest delirium." Ma6am-%Yes, see
you, SO long as my husband by his un-
dorstanding was, would he nothing to
do with doctor have."- Fliegende
Batter.
A GENTLEMAN was one day relating to
a Quaker a tale of deep distress, and
by saying: II could not
but feel for him" ~Verily, friend"
replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in
that thou didst feel for thy neighbor;
but didst thou feel in the right place
didst thou feel in thy pocket2'
THE City of Mexico has an excellent
police system. At night there is a po-
liceman at every corner. He never
patrols the streets, but has a lantern
which he sets in the center of the inter.
secting streets, and then retires to a
convenient doorway and sits silent un-
til relieved. st. Louis Post. Dispatch.
PRODUCE dealer-Ah! Glad to see
you, Mr.. Blank. Cant I serve you
with turkey for Sunday Mr.. Blank
(coldly)-No, thank you. "But you
remember I furnished your turkey last
"Yes, I remember" 1T
was satisfactory, I hope?" eyes, the
superintendent says it is very satisfac-
tory" "The superintendent" Eyes
of tie Fast Line Railroad Company"
III don't understand. Oh! perhaps
you made him present of it," "No;
I sold it to him for car-spring."
LITTLE boy has been swearing, aud
to punish him, washed
thoroughly the inside of his mouth with
Ito" as she explains to him,
@clean away the naughty words" A
few days later, while passing the bath
room, she sees the youngstor with his
face one mass of suds, and his mouth so
full that she barely understands his
spluttering ordinations. ~Getting
them all out, mammal Swore five times
yesterday"
A PARTY of Israeites went out in
small yacht on pleasure excursion. A
gale arose and they were blown off the
land. They were for several days with.
out food, and, despairing of being res
cued, resigned themselves to die. They
sank into state of lethargy and were
nearing dissolution, when the captain
in charge of the little craft espied ves-
sci. He sprang to his feet, exclaiming:
"A sail A sail!" "A sale!" echoed one
Of the Israelites, feebly, "a sale; we're il
de catalogue ?"- Boston Courier.
A FARMER in the eastern part OF the
state missed couple of his COWS few
days ago, and di1igent search aud no.
Ices in the county papers failed to
bring them to light. Yesterday, how
ever, while in the field, he noticed q
bo]e in one side of his pumpkin, and on
getting a lantern and going in he found
The lost COWS quietly eating pumpkin
seeds and getting fat. The hole in the
Fruit was caused by the rapid growth OF
The vines, which had dragged it along
over the ground for half a mile.-|Kan-
Jas Teetotaler.
THE peasants of Huntingdonshire,
Eng, are proverbial for their boorish-
ness. One day lady, riding through
The grounds Of friend to whom she
vas on a visit, found the gate closed
which was the outlet from the fields to
he high road; peasant boy stepped
and, bowling, opened the gate
hat she might pass. what is your
nsme2" asked the lady. "Tummus."
raid the boy. with another bow. "Ah!"
replied the lady, giving him shilling,
I see you are not Huntingdonshire
boy-you are so civil" To which the
urchin rejoined, @Thee'rt a liar; I be-"
A BEAUTIFUL young lady WAS trying
10 win for him the vote of one of our
French citizens by warmly advocating
The cause of prohibition. why, sure
y you must wish the saloons closed.
You have two boys growing up. Don't
you want this temptation removed from
heir way?" @Non, non! Re temptar