Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1885-04-15
HUMOROUS.

Bazaar.
"PREss on! achieve! achieve" sings
Ella Wheeler in her last poem. Ella
must have taken snuff right in the
middle OF one line.
SECRETARY WHITNEY is descendant
of Eli Whitney, who helped to invent
the cotton gin. Ordinary gin was in
vented by man from Maine.-A tianta
Constitution
Music is the sound which ones
children make as they romp through
the hotel. Noise is the sound which
other peoples children make under the
same circumst ances.- Boston Post.
WHEN q young man nowadays
wants to call himself a tough he sim
ply remarks, "I'm a spring chicken.
Everyone who boards will readily un-
derstand him.-New York Graphic.
IT is scientifically estimated that If
all the champion" rollers katers in
America should stand up in q row
there wouldn't be people enough left
to count them.-Savannah (Ga.)
News
WHISTLER, the artist, has sent to
Edmund Yates dungeon cell a butter
fly, as an emblem OF hope and Joy:
Other friends OF Yates have contented
themselves with sending grub.-LoweN
Courier.
FIRST: "Charming girl, that Miss
Lucy, jack Second: "Think so?
never could bear her. She always
treats me as if was an ass, you know. y
First: "Indeed, did not know she
knew you."-Harvard Lampoon.
HoRsEsnoEs were unknown to the
Greeks and Romans; and yet the peo-
pie of these nations had considerable
fuck. They escaped the dynamite
scare. the crazy-quilt craze, tramps
and the roller-skating mania.-LoweH
Citizen.
IT was little girl of 3summers that
said to her mother the other day:
"Mamma, don't you think it mighty
hard to send that turkey to the hot
supper, while we have to eat red
peas ?"-Abbcvil1e IS. C) Press.
"JosEpH MARMADUKE MULLAL1.i,
how dare, you sir p exclaimed t he indlg-
nant mother OF a St. Louis boy.
'Take your sisters ear-muffs of your
feet inst tanter, and find your rubbers.
Don't be so lazy, sir. .'-Pittsburgh
Chronicle Telegrap.
A NAN never begins to find out how
little he knows about domestic mat
ters until his wife asks him to keep
his eye upon the baby, and to see that
a pan of melted butter is kept stirred
while she goes into the attic to look
through her rag-bag.-FaH River i'd
vance.
AN Australian naturalist isreported
to have discovered that sponges are
endowed with nervous system. But
this is no new discovery. Everybody
who has had dealings with him knows
we'll enough that the sponge has got
the nerve.-BOstOn Transcript.
THE Arabs are a "gritty' people;
they have plenty of sand and won t
"take water" very often. They don't
often get it. They have good memo
ries for their past wrongs; They remem-
Der every outrage that has been COM
mitted against them, for they are great
on dates.-San Francisco Post.
London newspapers used Amerl-
can headings, this is about the way
some of the reports from the seat OF
war would lead off: "Another Brilliant
Victory-The Rebel Hordes Crushed
Five English Generals Bravely Die with
| Their Faces to the Foe-One Arab
Badly Scared. .'-PhiladeIphia Call.
THE Boston correspondent OF the
KEYNOTE, writing OF a recent perform
ance of the Pastoral Symphony, says: ::
It was finely played, although the
first movement was taken very rap
idly, az if the party after CARRYING in
the country had been chased by a
bull (which would, Of course, give
point to the difficult horn passages +,
! etc.
A Missouri farmer refused to look
| at A sample sewing machine recently.
| AZ he always "sowed wheat by hand: y
He is related to the man who did
! not want g. threshing machine on his
farm. For said he, give me q
harness-tug or a barrel-stave, and
can make my family toe the mark &C.
cording to law and Scrlnter. '-~Ex-
change.
"AsD now that you have graduated
from college, Tom, what do you expect
to 40 ?" asked his pretty cousin. ~
shall study law" he replied gravely. -
"But isn't that profession very much
oyercrowded, Tom ?'-''Possibly it is,
but that is not my fault. In this
world we must all look out for Num-
Der One. As said, / shall study law,
and those who are already in the pro
fession must take their chance
"T WISH you would give me a dime,
said q tramp named John keitty 70
Parson Clippinger. "Impudentfel fellow
you beg, and you don't even take OF,
your hat to me, replied the reverend
gentleman. II hope you will excuse
me this-time. If take my hat of that
policeman on the corner will suspect
me Of being a tramp and arrest me
but If keep my hat on he will think
that we are two friends talking over
our family affairs. ."-Texas 'siftings.
A RING at the door bell in q suburban
town by a nobby-dressed sewing
machine agent was recently answered
by the lady of the house, when the
following conversation ensued: ARE
you the lady OF the house, am,
:'Have you q sewing machire?" 81
have" "Are you satisfied with it :!
II am" Does it need any repairs"
"No, SIR" Is it pattern % mo
sir.'' 'tDid it ever occur to you tina,
/ you would like to make change"
aNever." ".Never?" Bang.-BostoI
Globe.
| "EssLIsH az she is spoke by for
eipners is always amusing, and also Al
"she is wrote" Here is Japanes'
specimen: "Notice. Shoe manufactur
er. Design at any choice. The under
signed being engaged long and sneceedee y
Isekats, in Toxic, it is now establislief
in my liability at aforementioned 10
all furnished will be attended in mod
! crate term with good quality. An or
der is acceptable, in receive post, be
= ing called upon the measure, and !
/, viii be forwarded in furnish. I
ya."-Exchange