The Arkansaw traveler., 1885-10-31
AMATEUR DRAMA.

krs 6. x1uouhea m kNUW Aot& H8StCaSyst
 Reader, did you ever see drama pre- sented by anna seursf Did you ever hssen to the heavy villain hurting ;a%ecs!se through his nose while he stood on one leg and wondered what he could do with his hands? Have you ever sat In the paTquet and seen the young man who dld not know a pvoscenium from a wash-,ine p Gssion ately kiss the leading lady on the right ear in the lest upper enraaees Dad you ever look upon the amateur walking lady when she was red because she had forgotten whether she was playing Ohvia or Maud S2
 ! have been behind the scenes--yea. veEiiy, have seen behind the bins I have posed as .Ro.hsr FrocAayd, in the Two Orphans," when could not wear calico dress with more grace than a COW employs in chewing her cud. have stood before the tootliShts and heard the stage whisper of the promp'er when l could not understand word he said. un- til he departed from the text and intorme me that was . blarsted idiot, which in. form ation immediately conveyed to the audieoce in an orotund voice mixed with b. b. fat feelings have stood by the side ot my son Jacques, whose resem' blancc to his father, my late beloved hus- band, so endeared the boy to me, and wished could wiring his neck because he stabb cd Pisvys before he had his cue and cut me out of my best speech. have rushed poor. blind Losise upstairs, pin th- ing her and treading on my dress A, every step, and come down en my head | hM%ansA I ~A,tA h~w ...k~ .k was in the midst of the first act or the last and hold up my skirts without exhib- iting my brooches at the same time have seen the Marquis braiued with a club by Aymasd because he had forgot ten his sword, and have wondered to be- hold the C~HHlsis as LiSieysS wipe hei eyes with her servants linen coat when she had forgotten her handkerchief and her lines at one fell blow.
 i have seen ReHril.ie bow down hei head and await fatal blow for twelve minutes, while 4,msnd was hus,ling around in tho wings trying to fud h,. wig in order 10 rescue her, and have stood grabbing a counterfeit dollar out o the blind girls hand for what seemed two ages and decade, waiting for the doc tor to come along and pvt an end to my harsh treatment. wish to assure societ, right here that will never be a wom ar and the mother of couple of hoodlum, again. would rather be a newspapei boy or railroad king. Every womapl> instinct in my nature rebels against ths idea of my being m aged female wido~ on the streets Of Paris, but much as regre it, realize that the audience felt worse about 1t than l.
 have played the title role in " Ths Idiot oi the Mountain" and my wors en, my, the publisher of a rival paper did me the honor 10 say that no man could have represented the character more naturally than l. IL was the only compliment he ever paid me, and 1 was so proud of 1t that sent it to a cbemisI for analysis. When he made his report l bought a double barreled gun and asked him to go hunting with me. Hts funeral was largely attended on the fol. lowing day, and the verdict of the coro. ner's Jury, while i' deplored the accident declared me blameless and concluded with resolution of profound sympathy l have played the noble red man and the heaihen Chinee, and have been mur- dered so often do no, feel natural fl s unshot for three months at a time ~as never foully assassinated in a play but what the audience went into raplur. ous applause that could not be appeased, until the curtain was run up and they were allowed to view my bleeding and mangled remains and assure themselves that would no, be resurrected in the last act.
 l have been through all the various stages of heroism and rank vllainy, from a common drunkard in Ten Nights in Barsfoom te police judge in '' The Hidden Hand" have had more wives than Brigham Young or the sultan of Turkey, and ye, l never was married on the stage but what some scoundrel in real life took my wife away while was wash ing of the p .int and aturng myself m cirizso's dress h fact, have had more domestic infelicity in my hisirio nc career than all the gold ever stole can com pensa,e me for.
 l am weary of amateur thea.ricals. I have begun to realize that 1 was never in- tended for woman or high toned gam bier any more than 1 ~as cut out for duke or an idiot, and have abou, made up my mind ,ha. ~ould feel ist as yell ,tisfied to be permanent Caucasi4n as 10 be 4 heather one day, pagan the next and dude on Saturday night.
 Cherry Tree Chips.
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