The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-03-20

| shirt ITOHt TuIup1eu as IL ne uitu Sicpt III lis
and very often SO frayed out at the button.
holes that the studs won't hold in them.
When entreat him to show more self
respect, and to buy himself half a dOz-
en- of decent shirts, the old reprobate
actually has the coarseness to tell me
he can't afford it. .'Ah, Benny, my
boy" he often says, "you haven't an
extravagant nephew to keep going. as
have" And then he laughs till he
nearly chokes himself, and l have to
slap him on tie back to bring him to.
1 hate a man who laughs at his own
Jokes. And of an evening he drinks
two tumblers of hot gin-and-water. and
then he throws his handkerchief (col-
ored cotton) over his head and snores.
Surely if Walter Dene was excusab!e in
getting rid of such comparatively in
offensive uncle as his, should be more
than justified in removing mine. And
then, again, there was nobody to regret
ma uncle. Walter Dene's uncle may
have had any number of other relations;
it is clear that he had at least one other
nephew, because Walter had a brother.
NV uncle had not soul in the world to
regret HIM but myself, and if was pre-
pared to waive my personal feelings.
surely no one else had any right to
interfere. OF course am not talking
of the legal aspects of the question. 1t
has always been my principle to let the
lawyers have as little as possible to do
with my affairs, and so delicate a mat
ter as the present must clearly be kept
as remote as possible from legal COM
plications. Lawyers don't recognize
| that higher law, that sublimated expe-
diency on which Walter Dene founded
his course of action. Walter Dene was
fully satisfied of the perfect propri-
ETY. of his conduct. but he took good
care Notwithstanding not to let the law
into his secret, and so must /.
Aiid so must L! Good Heavens! was
1 actually planning the destruction of
my innocent relative, from whom l
had only that morning received a check
for EGO? Perish the thought! And yet
there was Julia. Her happiness
surely ought to be considered, and her
happiness, or very large portion of it.
depended upon her being united to me.
So that it really was not question
solely of my duty to my uncle, but of
my duty TO my uncle UerSuS my duty to
Julia. And then, myself. surely l was
entitled to little consideration. As
Walter Dene very neatly puts it: Here
was Christmas happiness and his own
on the one hand, set in the scale against
the feeble remnant of a selfish old mans
days on the other" For "Christina"
read Julia" and for s'his own .'my
own and there you are. Then. again.
every one admits in these enlightened
days that the greatest happiness of the
greatest number is the true test of mo-
rality. Julia and l were clearly the
number, for we were two to one.
Really, the arguments all pointed one
way.
tried to dismiss the matter from nv
mind, but it wouldn't be dismissed. l
argued the matter seriously with N.Y.
self tried to trot up my uncle's
virtues and to see precisely what the
world would lose by losing him. He
was good-natured-I felt bound to adj
NIT that much in his favor. Secondly.
he was honest; though there wasn't
much credit in that, seeing that he had
no temptation to the contrary. Thirdly.
he was-he was No, for the life OF
me l couldn't think of any other vir-
tue that he could fairly claim credit
for. Two virtues. all told. And was a
man with this paltry allowance of moral
recommendations (terribly set off per
contra, by his rel cotton handkerchief,
his crumpled shirt-front and his vulgar
joke)-was a man like this by his con-
tinued existence to divide two loving
hearts? Clearly not. My course was
plain, whatever the violence to my own
feelings. My uncle must die.
This being settled, the next question
was, "How?" l could not bring my
self to prod the old gentleman with a
bowie-knife, as Walter Dene did with
has uncle. Stabbing has always seemed
to me clumsy, medieval sort of way
of getting rid of an enemy. 1t is apt,
moreover, to leave tell-tale spots upon
the operators pantaloons. Firearms
were equally out of the question. l
never fired off anything in my life save
a penny cannon in early youth, and
then, l remember, the deadly weapon
flew backward and broke the wash
house window. The fact is impressed
on my memory, because the breakage
cost me eighteen pence out of my hard
earned pocket-money. Poison would
have been more in my line; but gentle
man can't take anything to disagree
with him nowadays without those con-
founded analytical chemists poking
their noses into his inside and finding
out what he last took for supper. Hang
ing was obviously unsuitable. Apart
from other objections, nothing short of
hawser could have supported a man
of nv uncle's dimensions. Drowning
would have suited well enough, but you
can't very well drown 4 man who never
by any chance goes on the water. l
should have preferred to get him mixed
up in a railway accident or dynamite
explosion, but it is difficult to
ascertain beforehand the exact time
when events of this kind are
likely to come off. After mature
consideration decided to get him run
over. and accordingly inYeigied him
down to the bank in the busiest part of
the day, gave him heavy luncheon,
with two or three glasses of prime old
port, and then steered him neatly into
the middle of the traffic, right in front
of a passing hanson. As luck would
have it, he saw his danger just in time,
and escaped it by a hairs breadth. My
own attention had been so much alb
sorbed by the hanson that / had not
noticed an omnibus Immediately behind
me. / was knocked down and all but
run over myself, and my uncle took me
home. terribly bruised and shaken, in
the very hanson which l had intended