New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1885-02-25
WIT AND HUMO1,.

An absent husband telegraphed to his
wife, Il send you kiss. = He received
the reply: ..Spruce young man called
and delivered the kiss in good order.p
Germany has one beer. shop to every
thirty-one inhabitants. This prevents
the disagreeable crowding 50 notice
able in this country. --Burlington n.y.
Free Press.
To cure hiccoughs take something
that will make you sneeze. Every man
who stays out late should carry snuff
box, especially if his wife is in the habit
of sitting up for him.
Nelly-'.The boiler exploded and
blew the engineers body into thou
sand fragments, SO the paper says.
Grandma-''Dear me! thousand frag-
ments! Did it kill him. "-Harpers'
BazGr.
Mistress of the house Ito recently
landed) -"Why, Bridget, where in the
world have you been in all this ramp
Bridget dripping weD-"Shure, an
DIVE been hangin' out the clothes to
dhry, num-"
After little Houston boy, whose
family were to move away next day,
had concluded his evening prayer, he
said: ''Good-by, God; tomorrow we
are all going off on the railroad eras
Slttings.
"A sociable man is one who, when
he has ten minutes to spare, goes and
bothers some body who hasn't" says
an exchange. This item is correct ex-
cept in respect to the number of min
utes the sociable man has to spare
Darlington w. Free Press :.
Young Richling-Let me get you
No, thanks. Y. R.-Do you not like
it, Miss Dhumme? Miss Do, yes;
but it has such an effect upon me. Y.
r. (struggling to say something pleas
ant)-Ah! makes you-ah-bright.
A new kind of lamp recently invent
ed is called the sweetheart. The
reason for the adoption of this name is
probably because it never goes out
until after midnight, unless the old
man comes into the parlor and goes to
shaking down the stove.-LoOeN C1ti-
zen.
/
that manner before married you, sirw
she Indignantly exclaimed. mo, nor
you didn't dare come cavorting around
me in curl papers and rag-carpet slip-
pers before l married you, manu- he
retorted. Then she cried and he pro-
fanifed. Pittsbelrg Chronicle 1ele-
graph.
Some weeks ago, when corn was at
its lowest notch, farmer brought
load to town and inquired the price.
Fifteen cents,' was the reply. The
farmer paused and gazed upon the
ground thoughtfully. At last he said:
II wonder if there amt any place in
town where could trade that load of
corn for load of cobs. I'm about out
Of wood. "-Hopkias Journal.
'Do they have house-cleaning days
in heaven, ma?' little Somerville girl
inquired the other day. "Why, Ger
tainly not, dear; what put that into
| your head?'' because the angels
sweep; don't they?' .'What gave you
such a notion as that?" ''Pa did.
He said you were a spectacle in Moth
er Hubbard that would make the,
angels sweep. Northumberland. :.
1t is related that many years ago
MIR. Morgan, who represented West
meath in the House of Commons, when
on his first canvass called on Father
Mooney, an influential priest, and asked
him for his vote The latter replied:
Sir, Id rather give it to the devil"
''But," said the candidate, ''in the
event of your friend not coming for
ward for the county, what then? He
got the vote.
On opening head Of cabbage, the
other day, the cook of hotel at Lock
port, N. Y, found document stating
that the world would come to an end
on the Sd of next July. We have al
ways had the profoundest respect for
the superior intelligence of the cabbage,
but we shall 60 on accommodating great
thoughts for our next Independence
Day editorial just the same. -Burlinq-
ton Free Press,
A citizen who had been playing poker
the night before dropped q blue chip
into the. contribution box by mistake.
After service he went to the deacon who
had passed the plate and told him Of the
mistake. ''SoI'll just give you a dollar
in its place." he said, ''and we'll keep
the matter quiet.'' '.No, you DON'T
replied the deacon, ignoring the money
offered; that's blue chip. It's worth
five dollars. '-Nev York Sun..
An old country squire, who never
looked at newspapers, came up all the
way from Cornwall recently to attend
the sexcentenary of his college at Ok
ford. AS he entered the college gates
he was politely presented with bill
for goods that had been supplied to
him as an undergraduate forty five years
previously. He turned on the dun with
indignation, not altogether speeches..
''G0d bless you, sir!'' he roared,
lord love your heart! do you think
l come up here once in every GOO. years
to be dunned?''
He did not know the Brooklyn girls
very vel, being a comparative stranger
from Philadelphia, but he timidly re-
marked that he wished he were aleath-
er belt, that he might clasp her waist.
She turned upon him warning blue
light glance from her eloquent eyes:
''Young man, 'she said, 'if you couldn't
squeeze harder and hold on tighter than
any belt that was ever fastened with q
buckle, nobody has any use for you in
Brooklyn, l can tell YOU" With q
wild, bitter cry, he fled out into the
black, black night. Bob Burdette.
| Did you ever see woman play whistP
No! Well, she does it somewhat as fol-
lows: "Oh, dear, don't believe can
ever get these cards arranged-Now,let
me see. that one goes there, and-oh,
dear, I've dropped one one on n the floor
let me see-Oh, is it my playP- Mercy,
I'm sure I don't know which one to
play There, I played the wrong one,
but never mind-have got to follow
suitP -Well, if I can't follow suit can I
trump? Oh, I wish Il could have thrown
away on that trick-could L? Oh, I'm
SO sorry-Now, how stupid Twas
didn't see it was my partners ace when