Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-10-08
HIS FIRST FUNNY LECTURE.

s'it has been long time since | de-
liyered a lecture" observed the major.
oracularly, the other evening; "but in
my younger days | used to frequently
indulge in that plan of money-mak-
ing.
ibid you enjoy it much?n politely
inquired young Mr.. Badger.
Yes, very much at first; but after
awhile it began to pail on me. This
thing of travelling ten months in the
year. sleeping at country taverns six
nights out of the week. and in the cars
the other night grows tiresome after
the novelty wears off. y
what subjects did you treat upon?'i
again interposed Mr. Badger.
"A number When / first started
out, it was to deliver temperance
lecture in Kentucky; bet | didn't keep
it up very long. Five nights satisfied
me. | didn't mind having cabbares
and eggs thrown AT me. Leeausc | was
getting S75 a night; but no such sum
OF money could hire me to be target
for shot-guns and revolycrs for more
than one night in the year. 1t was so
foolish Of them. too. because l wasn't
any more Il temperance man than they
We're After gave up temperance ac-
cepted another engagement as a hui
morist. ! had often told funny stories.
anu my friends had told me that |
might make IN everlasting reputation
as a humorous lecturer.
1T is different thing TO deliver a
humorous lecture from merely giving
your audience u scientific or temper
ance talk. Until you cnthuse Your
audience you are in agony. Your
tongue cleaves 10 the roof of your
mouth, and you feel the way fool
looks. But when once you get the au-
diencc warmed up then all is easy, and
if you had notes enough you could 60
on talking until midnight. 1t occurred
to me that it would be Il good thing TO
make lecture of my recent expert
ence in the temperance field. SO | did
so. j he iirstiown | ever delivered it
in was Cairo, Ill. The audience was
not large, hut that didn't disturb me |
was satisfied to have anyone | could
try it on. The hall was 4 large, gloomy
room, and the echo was early strong
enough to knock me down. | think
SANAS wiz stROhb tiuuulCI IJtODtG
in the front seats wien | left the com
mitteeman i'll the dressing-room aud
stepped out on the stage. There
wasn't a single familiar face in the
house. That encouraged me. | was
afraid some OF my temperance hearers
might have come across the river. In
the front seat | noticed tall man with
a red face and hair that stood up like
the rays III Il halo. He nodded TO me
pleasantly, and / began.
Il hxed my eyes on him, and deter
mined that should make IN impression
on him, and then the conquest of the
whole audience would be comparative
ly easy. | read page or SO of nv
manuscript without attracting the
slightest effort at applause. But the
red-headcd man nodded to me APP
proyingly again when | stopped to
take Il drink Of water, and | continued
bravciy. After another ten minutes
man in the back part of the hall got up
and went out, and sharp-nosed wo-
man yawned SO widely that she at
tracted general attention throughout
the house. The red-headed man still
sat impassionately in the front seat,
and when | stopped for more breath
and another drink of water, he smiled
at me encouragingly and applauded
gently. So went on-a little mourn
fully. it is true, but not altogether
hopelessly.
''At the end of my first hour five
men had left the room, and two others
whose wives wouldn't let them go out
fell asleep, and l grew desperate. /
determined to give them little pathos,
and see If that wouldn't melt them.
Accordingly ! launched out with a
touching story | had once read, and
grew SO eloquent over it that tears al
most choked my utterance. All the
effect this had was to provoke a still
greater drowsiness on the part of the
audience, and hastily winding up my
remarks, | bowed to the house and re-
turned to the dressing-room to give
vent to my feelings. When the COM
mitteeman called around, l remarked:
g This is nice town. You can adj
vertise for lecturers from now until
doomsday, but you'll never catch mo
again.
..I'he man stared at me wondering
ly, and | began to cool down.
Your remarks were very good,
Maj. Bngs, he replied, coolly; AS
far as they went; but | was rather dis
appointed in your illustrations. Why
didn't you bring your stcreopticon with
youP'
'Stereopticon?' 1 answered in sur
prise. why, | am not magician
tern performer; | am humorous
lecturer. But can tell you that you
have the worst audience here | ever
saw in all my life
/" The audience is all right he re-
sponded, warmly; they are all very
respectable inmates of our dcaf-and-
dumb asylum.
Tie Dickens you sayr replied;
But that red-headcd man in front, he
surely was not deaf mule?'
No, that's true. 1t was mistake
about his getting in. He is the vii
lagc idiot. flick.