Milford chronicle., 1885-01-30
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
WHAT WE FIND TO SMILE OVER IN
TIE HUMOROUS COLUMNS OF THR
PAPERS.
He Knew the FiFm-All in the Fnmliy-Au
Insanity Expert-On the Roller Skates
A lIoston BabY-A New Name for a
Lamp, Etc, Etc.
NOT A RELIABLE FIRM.

NOT A RELIABLE FIRM.
A man brought home some rat poison
one evening. His mother-in-law mis-
took it for something else and ate a
quantity of it. They had terrible time
that night, but the old lady's life was
saved.
'It was a close call, said the doctor
the next morning. "She ate enough of
it to kill a dozen persons, but fortu-
nately the poison had been in stock
long time and lost of its strength had
evaporated."
Some months afterward the son-in-law
was asked if Messrs. Poultice & Co.
were reliable druggists to deal with.
81 wouldn't recommend them" he
said. "They swindled me once on some
rat poison. "-NetO York Times.
TAKING THE CHANCES.
A gentleman residing on West Fourth
street has two sons, aged respectively
eight and ten years. If Johnnie and
Eddie misbehave themselves during the
day their mamma does not punish them
but reports their errors to the head OF
the household. When the father
returned home early the other evening
both boys, having been exceedingly
mischievous that day, had been sent to
bed. His footsteps were heard down
stairs by the brothers, who were quak-
ing with fear. One of them whispered:
"Say, Johnnie, think I'll make be-
lieve I'm asleep"
"You bet 1 won'tl" said Johnnie.
'1'm goin' to get up and put on lot Of
clothes. You're goose to let him get
that chance at you. - Cincinnati Sun.
SHE KNEW HIM.
"A good wife is Heavens greatest gift
to man and the rarest gem the earth
h-ids /" remarked Mr.. Jarphly, the other
inoIllng IT, s sss j. his Joy, his inspiEa-
tion auu ~ .lls ~ H. Througb&tI
her lo5ing hand leads him sor. ~
tie rough places. She is"
Jeremiah, said Mrs. Jarphly, sol
emnly, jeremiah, what wickedness have
YOU been up to now? There's no use of
waiting or whipping round the stump,
for III hear of it soon enough. Say it
right out, jeremiah. "-PittsbuTg Chroll-
icle- Telegraph.
A BOSTON BABY.
"I saw q beautiful little baby on the
street to-day" observed Miss Gusher,
''Did you speak to it ?"
'Indeed I did. I tiekled it under the
chin, and said oh 90 pity title
tootsie wootsie.
"What did the baby do ?"
"Do 1t Strengthened up and yelled
like mad. I never saw such badly be-
haved young one. What was the mat
ter with it, do you suppose ?"
"I don't know, but I expect it didn't
understand you. It probably was
Boston baby. - Travellers Magazine.
AN INSANITY EXPERT.
It was during murder trial. A Wit
ness for the defence was on the stand.
"What do you intend to prove by this
witness p asked the Judge.
"That the prisoner is insane, replied
the attorney.
"Does the witness know anything
about insanityP Is he an expert| q
expert ?" repeated the lawyer
'Well, 1 should say he was. He
knows all about insanity. Why, your
Honor, he has been as crazy as a loon
for the past ten years. "-GrGphic.
NOT EASILY IMPOSED UPON.
A citizen who had been playing poker
the night before dropped blue chip
into the contribution box by mistake.
After service he went TO the deacon
who had passed the plate and told him
of the mistake.
$50 I'll just give you dollar in its
place, he said, ''and we'll keep the mat
ono, you don't" replied the deacon,
ignoring the money offered; ''that's a
blue chip. It's worth five dollars"
AT HOME.
Some of our local jenkins have adopt.
ed the style of writing ''society news"
as follows 81 dropped into Mrs.
Astor's reception, ETC., " 81 looked in at
Mrs. Lorrillard's ball, etc., /" "and hap
pened in at Mrs. Goelet's tea and SO
forth" 81" forsooth If they
dropped" +" 'looked," or happened in
il was to deliver ice cream, or tell the
servant Mys. Jones's carriage was ready.
Hotel Nail.
ON THE ROLLERS.
give oft been to the circus, likewise
the minstrel show, but now unto the
roller skating rink 1 60
Sometimes it seems the planking from
under me swiftly goes, and then l go
a-sliding along upon my nose.
I've knocked out several grinders, I'm
sprained, and sad, and sore; but I'll
stick to roller skating, for like it more
and more. PUCK.
IT MIGHT BE WORSE.
'sMv. my, how that chimney smokes, "
Il ,-rsfo IN a hnqhand
"ft might do worse, my DEAR" he re-
piled consolingly.
'I'd like to know how"
"Why, you see it might chew"
A fall Of SCOT stopped the flow OF con-
versation.-Arkansd1O Traveller.
NAME FOR A LAMP.
AQernon-"What a queer name for a
lamp !"
Eulalia-"What name"
sIn the window we Just passed is a
new kind Of a lamp called The Sweet.
heart can't imagine why it should
have such a name.
''Perhaps, dear, it can be turned down
very low. ."--Phila. CtElI
IN THE FAMILY.
Wife (very faghionable)-'Itis absurd
to say that one can love nature and
at the same time love art. !"
Husband Cnot so fashionable)--'1 did
not say that I loved art.
Wife-"No? What did you say ?"
Husband-'I said that was we'd n
to art" .eed to
NOT BAD TnEl. es.saa
'T met Mr.. Smith IN shabby coat a
while ago. He has not failed, has he p
"Oh, no, he only puts on that coat
when he goes to the Assessor s to give in
his property teE assessment. - 4e''as
| SJtings.