Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1885-01-23
FUN

FUN
~~--~~~-~~~-~-o~
Kept Her Husband at Home.
HIS SOCIETY WAS NOT ENTIRELY AGREE
ABLE AND THE BAR WAS ABOLISHED.
A lady in western town whose husband
was in the habit Of absenting himself from
home on evenings, causing her great dis
Quietude, read au article in one of the pa
pers, entitled, "How to Keep Your Hus-
band Home" 1t was about Troy wife
who turned her sitting room into saloon,
and thus welded her husband to his home
and kept him at night: The lady was
vowed she would follow it to the last de-
tail. That evening when her husband had
finished his supper and was making rush
for his hat to go down town and ssee
man" who owed him some money the ex-
ultant wife led him to the library. There
was sawdust on the carpet. six big spit
toons artistically arranged around the
room, aud bar. on which rested some
bottles Of beer and strong drink. In one
corner was bowl conta lining sliced pick
led tripe and a jar of Boston baked beans.
with pasteboard sign having On it the
words "Free Lunch.'
sMy dear wife, may heaven bless you -
exclaimed the husband as he looked
around and took in all the details.
He then walked around and expector-
ated in each spiJtoon. Walkin to the bar
he called for several drinks, after which
he ate little lunch. Returning to the
bar he astonished his wife by calling her
"Charlie, "and telling her to "whack them
up once more,' and to ''chalk him down
to him.
After imblbing little more he kicked
over chair and jumped on the bar, where
he executed a war dance and began max
ing political speech. He mistook his
Wife's endeavors to assist b i'm down from
bis rickety perch for an assault growing
out Of difference of opinion on politics.
He let out his fist and blackened her eye,
and proceeded to clean out the place by
turning over the bar aud dem ollshing the
bottles and glasses. The neighbors, hear
ing the uproar, rushed in to discover what
was the matter. The husband was found
sitting down in the corner of the room
with the jar of baked beans resting upside
down on his head and the picked tripe in
his lap, and shaking his fist at his wife,
declaring he would give her "lally-
koolah" as soon as he got up.
The hysterIcky wife explained her plan
to those present for keeping her husband
in at nights. and the neighbors kindly as
sisted him to his room, while he kept. NUT
tsring. ''Bes' lay out 'ver struck. Drinz.
lunch, and a fght-not id 'spense."
The bar will not be reopened.
SELLING GOODS BY SAMPLE.-Mr. Jos.
Mulhattan, ex-Presidential candidate, is
Louisville hardware drummer. Recent
ly he was engaged in selling a bill of goods
to an old Dutchman in the South.
"You charge seven dollar unJ half
dozen for that knife?" asked the Dutch
man in some surprise.
Gus ground, brass lined, stag handle, Shelf
field make
but a Zinzinnati drummer only last
week offered me dot same goods already
for six dollars"
''See here, my friend.'' said Mr.. Null
haitian. you sell your goods at just double
what they cost. don't your"
yah. if buys thing for one dollar,
sell him for two dollar; dots shoost one
per cent?
Eyes. Well. that Cincinnati drummer
charges you Sc for these goods, and you
sell them at $12, and make profit of So.
I offer them at 81 50. and you get SIS. or
a profit of ST. so. Just dollar and half
more, isn't it?"
''Vell yes,'' said the old Dutchman,
scratching his head. II guess maybe dot
vas so.''
call right. You just take my advice,
then, and never buy anything of a Gin
cinnati drummer if you don It want to get
swindled."
And yet Mulhattan was hopelessly de-
feated.
THE LANDaADY DIDN'T LAUGH
"You ought to give up something at the
beginning of the year," said the boarding
house mistress to her thin boarder.
II mean to,'' replied the lean man.
''Something which will benefit you," |
she went on.
Eyes, exactly"
well, what are you going to give
up?"
my boarding house!'' calmly came
from the emaciated boarder.
GEOGRAPHICAL DATA.-Class in geogra-
ply: Teacher What is the source of the
Why do you hesitate i?
Pupil-Because it was only yesterday
you told me not to give you any more
sauce.
How did you begin life ?" the young
man asked the great man. 81 didn't begin
g." truthfully replied the great man. 81
vas here when I got here.
He CAN BE HAPPY.-'.I was surprised
o hear that Mr.. B. married Miss Ellis"
"Why ?'' . 9
ssBeca1 Use she's not educated
'sThat will not prove detrimental to his
appiness."
''Why not prayY"
because he's SO ignorant that he'll