Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1885-11-20
SHEPHERDSTOWN, W. VA, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20 1885,
spoke of me as Twain, the Montana

thief."l
got to picking up papers apprehen-
sively-much as one would lift a desired
blanket which he had some idea might
have rattlesnake under it. One day
this met my eye:
1.-THE LIE NAILEp.-By the sworn af-
fdavit Of Michael O'Flannagan, Esq,
and Mr.. Snub Rafferty, and Mr.. Catty
Mulligan, it is established that Mr..
Mark Twain's vile statement that the
lamented grandfather Of our noble
standard bearer, Blank J. Blank, was
hanged for highway robbery, is brutal
and gratutous lie, without shadow Of
foundation in fact"
And yet l can lay my hand on the
Book and say never slandered Mr..
Blanks grandfather. More, l had never
even heard of him or mentioned him up
to date.
RI will state, In passing, that the jour-
nal above quoted from always referred
to me afterwards as Twain, the Body
Snatcher."l
The next newspaper article that at
tracted my attention was the following: ::
ga SWEET CANDIDATE.-Mark Twain,
who was to make such blighting
speech at the mass meeting last night,
didn't come to time. a telegram from
his physician stated thai he had been
knocked down by a runaway team and
his leg broken in two places-sutferer
lying in great agony, and so forth and
so forth, and lot more bosh Of the same
sort. And the Independents tried hard
to swallow the wretched subterfuge and
pretend that they did not know what
was the real reason Of the absence OF the
abandoned creature whom they denomi-
nate their standard bearer. A certain
man was seen to reel into Mr.. Twain's
hotel last night in state of beastly in
toxication. 1t is the imperative duty OF
the Independents to prove that the be-
sotted brute was not Mark Twain him
self. We have them at last. This is 4
case that admits of no shirking. The
voice Of the people demands in thunder
tones: Who was that MANI"
Three long years had passed over my
head since | had tasted ale, beer, wine
or liquor of any kind.
The same journal Immediately dubbed
me Mr.. Delirium Tremens Twain.
By this time there had grown to be
such a clamor for an "answer" TO all the
dreadful charges that were laid to me
that the editors and leaders of my party
said it would be political ruin for ME to
remain silent any longer. The follow
ing appeared in one of the papers the
very next day:
BEHOLD THE MAN.-The Independ-
ent candidate still maintains silence.
Because he dare not speak. Every
charge agaist him has been amply
proved, and they have been endorsed
and reindorsed by his own eloquent ST.
lence, till at this day he stands forever
convicted. Look upon the Infamous
Periurer the Montana thief the Body
Snatcher! the Delirium Tremens. the
Filthy Corruptionist! Can you give
your honest votes to creature who
dares not open his mouth in denial Of
any of his hideous crimes?"
There was no possible way of getting
out Of it, so in deep humiliation set
about to "answer" a mass of baseless
charges and mean and wicked false
hoods, but l never finished the task, for
the very next morning a paper came
out with new horror charging me with
burning lunatic asylum with all its
inmates, because it ObstructeG the view
from my house. This threw me into a
sort of panic. Then the principal Re-
publican journal convicted" me Of
wholesale bribery and Of poisoning my
uncle to get his property, with an i'm
perative demand that the grave should
be opened. This drove me to the verge
of distraction. On top of this, l was ac-
cused of employing toothless and in
competent old relatives to prepare the
food for the foundling asylum when |
was warden. At last, as due and fit
ting climax to the shameless persecution
that party rancor had inflicted upon me,
nine little toddling children. of all
shades of color and degrees of ragged
ness, were taught to rush on to the plat
form at a public meeting and clasp me
round the legs and call me Pa. Truly
yours, once decent man.