The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-04-16
HUMOR.

i
ONE needn't be an early bird now,
TO catch the worm. Buy glass of
chestnuts.
WHEN women get to voting we don't
suppose they'll kick if we call them
ballot girls.
WHAT are we coming to?" breath
lessly asks an exchange. Sit still, sit
still, we're just coming to dinner.
IAN American? No, sir; belong to
the State of Arkansas! was the an
swer made by native.-Detroit Free
Press.
SINCE Ella Wheeler got married all
of her poems are sad and religious.
Matrimony does have that effect on
some people.-Teras Sifti,gs.
WOMEN in Idaho can vote now. Is
it dangerous to observe that candi-
dates in that country will be elected by
handsome majorities ?--Carl PretzePs
Weeklu.
JoBBINs rises. to inquire whether
man who is discovered in the act of
holding the cook on his lap can be said
to be Holding his own p YonkeTs
Gazette.
LET us be indulgent to those who do
not always stick as closely as they might
to the truth Even truth herself, you
know, is said to lie at the bottom of q
well.-Ou City Blizzard.
SHOES are now made of old newspa-
pers. A man with q number five
head and a number ten foot can now
absorb more information than he is
likely to ad.-Ne,oman Independent.
The New York Journal says Prin-
cess Beatrice writhes with rheumatism.
There's nothing funny about that. Any
body who has dose of rheumatism and
don't writhe is darned fool.-St Paul
Day.
BLINKs, who is as bald as badger,
when asked why he did not wear a
wig, said that as to his badness, he did
not care tupees about it, and though be
had often thought of covering it up, he
never could come down to the scratch.
-Teras SUtings.
OBITUARY of a Chicago editor: "He
rose gradually from an obscure posi-
ton until he could mark off more ored-
its in day than any other man in the
Office, which rare ability won for him
deserved distinction" = Arkdnsd,o
Traveller.
Custom, they say, makes laws. Yes
terday evening we started in pursuit Of
flea and bedbug. There didn't seem
to be any law for catching them, so we
sat down and custom. The more we
custom the farther they got away. It's
q lie; custom don't make laws. = White
side Herald.
WHEN Chicago woman whips her
children with her slipper, they look as
though they had passed through a
threshing machine, a Kansas cyclone,
and a dynamite explosion combined.
What strong constitutions they must
have.-BroOk'yn Times.
A NEW YORK man has invented con-
trivance with which he claims to be
able to reduce the temperature of O
room to eightyfive degrees below zero.
His scheme it is presumed. Is simply
to introduce halls dozen uneouth rural
relatives into the city residence of their
fashionable aunts and female cousins.
Their cool reception would be apt to
make them think that the temperature
had suddenly fallen to one hundred
and eighty-fve degrees below zero
NOrriStOiCR He, aid.
"PA, does the sausage come out of its
hole on Candlemas day, and look
around for its shadow, so as to make
an early spring? Ma says it does. I"
what you talking about" says the
papa to the little boy. at is the
grounding that comes out of its hole,
not the sausage" well, amt sausage
ground-hog?" and the little one went
off on his roller skates as though shot
out of gun, leaving the old man to
worry over the incipient punster in an
otherwise respectable family .-Peck's
San.
BALLS
When mans babe and has to crawl.
What Is IT that makes crazy all?
His bawl.
When he's boy and full OF fun,
What does he hit you with and rum
Snow ball
When he youth what does he play
To MAIN himself and comrades gayt
Baseball
When young man and fond OF girls.
! What keeps him up all night in whrlsl
ball.
What sends flutter to his heart,
And fixes in 1t Cupids dart?
Eye balls
When fond OF poker, dress and smoke.
What helps him out when he is broker
Three balls.
At college. at his pas expense,
What does he learn TO show his sense,
| Football
What takes his money every night.
And makes him swear and drink and fight?
Billiard balls.
What does his landlady, sedate
Pass him each morning on a plate?
| Fis bahs.
When he is old and wisdom knows,
What Ia the proof of IL he shows2
Head BALD.
And then. just when he wants to STAY
What IL IL he must leave Away
Terrestrial ball.
H. O. Dodge in Chicago Sun.
Shells That Travel.
The great conch or strombus has a
veritable sword that it thrusts out,
sticks into the ground, and by muscular
efforts jerks itself along, making de-