The Arkansaw traveler., 1885-05-09
INTERVIEWING A aAs-MErER
lPuck.l


 The gas-meter was enjoying his usual day of, when the ereporter of the Scribble- vile Gazefke aSd Organ Grinder called
 What do you want5" asked the gas meter.
 "l want to interview you," said the re. porler.
 |" Nonsense! No one interviews me but the inspector who comes around to get my figures every month. He neves ,ays anything to me. He just takes . look at me and goes away" "Yes, know that" answered the re- porter but want to talk to you about your mode of life. want to know some thing about the inner existence of gas. meter. Do you like the life2"
 "No, sir; most emphaticaliy don't like the life. How would you like to live in a cellar all the time?s
 "Well," said the reporter, meditatively, "if it was a beer cellar"
 Thatll do, young man. don't want any Of your alleged bohemian humor. Nov, listen to me. Here sit all day in the dampness and gloom, perched upon this little shelf, which is jsst big enough 0 hold me. The only sounds that cheer my daily existence ale the shouts of the butcher boy bringing the chops for the people up stairs, and the merry scrape cf the hilarious coal as it comes sweeping doGn the chute twice a month-each time less of it to the ton. Boy, have watched that ton business for several years, and have seen it dwindling grad. ually. By and by boy will bring ton of coal on a wheel-barrow, and later on child will carry it hither in a peach basket. These coal companies are dreadful swindlers"
 What do you do for living?"
 Sir, l am a mathematician. 1 would be the greatest mathematician on earth, If l were the only gas-meter but all of my tribe are equally clever at figures. We do not dabble in algebra, plane geometry. analytical geometry, uieo- nometry, calculus, determinants or ouar- ternions. We just stick to plain, ordi- nary arithmetic. That's good enough for us. We can get better results out of that than we can out of any highfalusin science. We have made some great dis coveries in arithmetic"
 Is that so ?"
 "Oh, yes; we have wholly revolution lred arithmetical science. The popular impression in regard to figures would re. ceiye many rude shocks if people would study our new and improved system of arithmetic. Peope would get rich faster the gas-companles do."
 Explain yourself more fully"
 Well, the popular impression is that tSo and two make four. This is a great mistake. According to our system two and two make seven"
 :" How do you account for that ?"
 We don't account for it. We simply assert that it is fact, and the burden of proof rests on the other side. If any man denies our assertion, we just tell him to look at his gas bill. There he finds it illustrated in figures. What can the man do! He comes and looks at the gas. meter. What's the result? He finds that he has burned eleven thousand feet o' gas in one month, even though he has used only one burner, and has ruined hls eyes trying to read by tallow-candles. He goes down to the company's cffice, and says he couldn't have burned SO much gas. and the company tell him to SO AOW Cau uG prove that our system is incorrect ?n
 give that one up."
 That's what the gas consumer does. He has to. l don't like this lie, though. ] think that person with my imagina- rion ought to be in Wall street. There would be greater field for my talents there. Phew it's tiresome work talk. ing"
 Are you water-met'y or dry one ?"
 Sir, all the water in the gas business IS absorbed by the stock. Meters are al. ways dry, except when the gas company wants to play light on the gas, and then the meters are said to have water in them. But they don't. A meter never takes water.n
 And so the reporter went out and bought him bottle of sulphuric acid.