Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1885-05-04

| MAN is ike Il pOIdIO-NeNeT sure Wueu
he will get ''into hot water"
1t makes red-nosed man very angry
to have little girl ask him in the pres
ence of others if it hurts.
| 1t is only woman who is given away
in marriage. The man gives himself
| away before the honeymoon is over.
| A health journal says you ought to take
| three quarters of an hour for dinner. 1t is
well, also, to add few vegetables and a
| piece Of meat.
| 1t is thought that at their general con-
ference next month the Mormons will re-
nounce polygamy. But if they do, what
will become Of the ''surplus?"
A celebrated wit was asked why he did
not marry young lady to whom he was
much attached. ''I know not" he replied,
"except the great regard we have for each
other.''
A receipt for lemon pie vaguely adds {:
"Then sit on a hot stove and stir con-
stantly." Just as though anybody could
sit on a hot stove without stirring con-
stantly.
The Englishman who said that Ameri-
can girls did not know what to do with
| their arms certainly never had much eX-
perience in American parlors with the gas
| turned low.
An article in an exchange describes the
| Queen of Madagascar's annual bath. An
nually seems long while between baths,
| but fortunately the queen wears a cuticle
that doesn't show the dirt.
After her grandmother had given her
good scolding, little mischief was over
heard saying to herself: Somebody is
cross in this room; faint me and 'tain't
dolly and 'tain't kitty. 1 wonder who it
isl"
A Paterson man recently advertised
Sin Simultaneous babies," and his place
was overrun by women until it was un-
derstood that he was photographer, and
that the last half ofhis advertisement had
been ''pied."
There is religious sect in Ohio which
believes that when human beings die they
turn into cats. Doesn't it make man
shiver, though, to think that perhaps he
has been singing bootjacks all winter at
his wife's grandmother.
man never finds out how little he
knows about domestic matters until his
wife asks him to keep his eyes upon the
baby and see that pan Of melted butter
is kept stirred while she goes into the at
tic to look through her rag bag.
They had been married six weeks, and
she said ''Now don't 90 stay out late, but
come home soon to oor little 'wifey tif-
ey!'" They had been married six years,
and she said: eff you go out tonight,
Smith, I'm going to lock up the house
and go over and sleep at mothers"
A couple of tons of powder exploded
in Salt Lake City the other day, wreck
ing everything in the neighborhood and
shaking the whole town. A deaf old wo-
man who lived couple of blocks away
pricked up her ears and said, "Come in!''
Then she said to her daughter: Claw me,
l do believe I'm getting back my hearing"
Mamma" said a five-year-o as he
stood on tiptoe by the bedside and peered
at his new little brother, "where did that
baby come from?" ''The angels brought
him, darling," said mamma ''The angels
brought him?" echoed the shaver as he
gazed at the wrinkled, fidgety, red coun-
tenance. "Well, all I've got to say is, ,ifthe
| angels couldn't scaredup better lookin'
baby they'd better "a kept him at home"
''You are doing nicely" said the doctor
encouragingly to an old darkey patient;
Il will call again tomorrow, and will
leave this prescription now to save you
from pain in the interim" Then he went
out. "Da's er 'sription dat de doctah lef. :"
said the patient feebly to his wife, San
l vans yo' ter so to de drug sto an git it
filed. Tell de drug sto' man it's fo' nv
interim, an be sho' an ak him eff Ise ter
take it eternally. or jes rub it on de out
! side, an eff so, wha'''