Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-08-02
NOT To BE KILLED.

III tnOfc were prize IOr suIciuc, u
ought to go to the Irishman who vowed
TO hang, himself or perish In the ".-
We'll. l should give it to tho hero Of
Dumas Companions Of Jehu.'
''Why, what did he dop"
Our talk was being carried on upon
the hurricane deck Of homcward-
bound steamer from the Cape. in the
full enjoyment OF doing nothing. after
all the excitement Of Iululand and the
Transvaal border.
"Well, seemingly he objected TO TAX
ing his own life, so no was always try
ing TO get somebody else to do 1t for
him, and the moro he tried. the more
he didn't succeed. Once he guarrolled
with first-rate swordsman. and killed
him without getting a scratch himself.
Another time he went In among n band
Of robbers, and they let him go scot
froc. Then he challenged an English
man who was a dead shot. and John
Bull fred in the air. At last he threw
himself into the thick OF the battle of
Marengo. fired his pistol into powder
wagon. and blew up not only himseS.
but an ontire Austrian regiment as
WE'LL"
His report in that magazine must
have made some noise in tho world, )"
remarked Captain Crawford, of the
-th Foot
Come. don't you begin trying to
make jokes, Crawford, or I'll jump
overheard" said Lieutenant Mason. of
the Naval Brigade. "After all, that
fellow didn't beat the wind-up of Bur-
nand's thrilling tale in the dime ncv-
el style: And with wild cry the
wrctched man plunged the dagger into
his heart, discharged the revolver
through his brain, swallowed the dead
ly poison, and sprang from the bridge
into the gloomy river below. But his
hour was not yet come"
.'Well. he deserved no credit, be-
cause he didn't succeed, as the German
editor said of the man who tried to kill
Bismarck. But. after all, who ever
heard of such things in real lfeP'
..Guess have. anyhow"
We all started and looked around
no one having noticed the presence OF
Mr.. Hiram r. Dollarsworth, U. s.,
who, indeed. was as habitually silent
as the great general whom fame has
credited with the power of "holding his
tongue in ten languages.
ii kin beat that, | reckin," pursued
our taciturn friend. "liev any of We
ever been ut St. MaioP"
II was there in 1864, Mr.. Dollars
WORTH" said l. SD can guess to what
story you refer, but I'm sure these
gentlemen will bo glad to hear you tell
t."
"Wa'al. guess it's worth ,ellin'. "
rejoined the Yankee. with grim
chuckle, though | don't know if
they'll believe il, neither. You see,
thar was young French officer thar
in my time, one o them young geese
that think the hull worlds out Of lint
il their toe aches. One day-having
nothin' better to do. s'pose-he made
up his mind to kill himself, and. like
them highfalutin' Frcnchers always do,
he concluded ic fix it so AS his suicide
should be the talk of all Europe So
up he g.ts airly one mornin', and down
he goes to the beach, takin' with him
rope, and pistol, and a vial of pi-
zon, and MATCHBOX. Then he climbs
up one Of the tide-mark posts that's set
in row thar. just AS the sea was clost
up ~ it, aud he bitches one ccnd o the
rope aropau the cross-piece at the top,
aud the oth4r cend around his neck,
and then he set his clothes aiire with a
match, and swallcrcd the pizon. and
let slap the pistol ut his head, and
chucked himself oil the post, all to
once"
"Well, he certainly deserved to sue
ceed. after taking so much pains, said
Lieutenant Mason. as well as he could
speak for laughing.
Guess he didn't, though" answer
ed Mr.. DolIarsworth; ''for it WAS jst a
case OF too many cooks splc the
broth Tho bullet stead o goin
through his skull-whar it wouldn't
hev found many brains to stop it,
reckin-cut the rope, and let him slick
down ker-swosh into the sea, and put
out the tire right away. Then swaller-
In the saltwater made him sick. and
so he got rid OF the pizon; and AS if all
that warn't disappointing enough. the
flood-tide washed him ashore "all alive
and fresh, as them lying fsh-dcalcrs
say. But il he wanted TO be .thS talk of
all Europe, guess he got his wish;
for every newspaper on the hull Cont
nent had that story fore the month
was up. and the poor crittcr got so
| e-tarnally laughed at that he concluded
to jine the Mexikin expedition till the
thing blew over. ."-Daria Ker, in Ed
ttor's DraWer. Uarpcr's Mayazine for
August