The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1885-07-19
BILL NYE's GRAFTON.
unreasonable" Remarks From the
Great Humorist.

FELLOW Citizens: One hundred and
nine years have now passed since our
forefathers declared all men to be free
and equal, and began to hold out in
ducements for the oppressed of other
climes to come here and help kill off the
Indians.
1t has been a great success. 1t has
been thoroughly demonstrated to a
diving world that all men are fully
equal to all other men, if not more so.
We point with pride to-day to our broad
lands, our luxurant national debt and
our steadily increasing Mormons. We
have only a few more indians to wipe
out, and then the oppressed foreigner
will have it all his own way.
The men who declared themselves
free and Independent one hundred and
nine years ago are now no more.
Yielding to the great nervous strain
incident to a red-hot campaign, they
finally pinned away and died. Is fore
fathers we can never successfully fill
their places, and their untimely death
has cast pail over this otherwise joy
Gus occasion.
To. day from ocean to ocean America
reioices. From the humid Atlantic to
the moist Pacifc, the mighty cannon
thunders forth a nations exultation,
and the smaller cannon is gathering in
| its harvest of thumbs. This is an an
nual holiday and great national thumb
carnival.
We rejoice that the idea of freedom
suggested itself to our forefathers.
Otherwise we would all be in Canada
to-day. Now only a part Of us are
| there.
Let us not speak lightly of Canada,
for some of our largest moneyed men
are there. While we would not care to
be part of Canada, it is a good coun-
try to smuggle into or smuggle out of.
1t is a good place to stroll into after
banking hours, while the Board of Di
rectors are in session.
One hundred and nine years ago the
| King of Great Britain made the great
mistake of his life. l only regret that
he did not live to see it as we see it to-
day. Had he been less oyerbe ring to-
wards the infant colony, the young men
would be drinking alkali water in Egypt
to-day. We could have fought the
heather all over the globe and left our
shoulder blades to bleach in any cline
which we might select. Had the royal
tyrant softentd a little toward the
| struggling settlements in America, one
| hundred and nine years ago, he could
borrow our navy, to-day if he would
agree to take good care of the worms
and return them in as good order as he
found them.
But he decided to do differently, and
to-day he must take the bitter conse-
quenGes. Kings are not always right.
They frequently get left. Of all the
many kings whom | have know per-
sonally, and with whom have been
thrown more or less, there are only
four or five upon whose judgment l
could rely during great crisis.
That is the reason rarely go to
crowned head when l am in trouble.
seek out some tender-hearted and
unSelish pawnbroker and tell him
all
There is one cloud, fellow-citizens,
which l see with my prophetic eye, just
climbing the distant horizon of our
national existence. Sooner or later it
will darken the brightest day for us.
Is IL lut tcDlOuS vi Tic
unlaundried Mormon? hear you ask
is it the spoils system under which one
halt Of our people Will always be happy
and the other hall accursed? Is 1t the
kiln-dried, fire and burglar proof, worm
less American dried apple | e which is
now invading our happy homes? Is it
| the baleful SIMEON breath of New Eng
land rum which would eat ont the vitals
of a stone quarry and go back the next
day toinquire for the old nitro-glycerine
can?
Ali no, felIow-citizens A thousand
times nay. 1t is this: If our Reprbli-
can form of government holds together
for ninety-one years more, we will have
to celebrate again and it makes my
mead ache to think of it. If the feeling
of remorse which shows itself on the
succeeding day after centennial cele-
bration becomes intensified with each
succeeding century, l hope that on the
5th day of July, 1866, l shall be out of
town.
cannot close this brief grafton, fell
low-citizens, without an earnest appeal
to you all to be nobler and better men.
OF course, if you are women this will
not be expected; but we all can be good
citizens by that time, perhaps. and
earnestly exhort all those within the
sound of my voice to be loyal and law
a5iding. By all means be industrious.
Do not wait for me, but form habits
of industry at once which viii cling to
you through life. [ am convinced by
what have seen of its effects that it is
a good thing. Rise early and go about
your duties joyously, and when the
morning meal is prepared and all are
gathered about the festive board, come
and rap gently, and in a low tone OF
voice, on the door of my boudoir.
ONE OF the most annoying newspaper
leafs, because on such small scale, is
the specimen copy" beat, who thinks
he may subscribe or advertise. A man