, 1885-09-19
TITLES.
The Distinction that Lies IN Being
Called "Mlster.'

The Distinction that Lies III Being
Called "hlster.'
1t is getting to be so nowadays that TO
be addressed as mister, which is just
the PLAN title of every man whom one
desires to speak OF or to in a respectful
manner, when familiarity doesn't warrant
calling him by his christian name. or his
sir name without Il handle, is so rare as to
have become 4 distinction. The war
turned ont enough real captains, majors,
colonies and generals in all conscience,
but since that time they have increased in
a ratio beyond computation. Thousands
upon thousands of men have acquired an
their military rank since the war was
over, and in this country a man who was
Il lieutenant in the volunteer army, is
never less than Il colonel now if it ever
gets out on him that he held commission
at all, and in most western cities all one
has to do to turn half the men in earshot
about and facing you, is to step out to the
door and shout, ooh, colonelr' and yet
officers in the regular army delight to be
called mister, and among those below the
grade of captain, there is n sort of cti-
quette and unwritten law OF courtesy
which among themselves bestows that
modest distinction.
One who has been noticing the matter
under consideration said not long ago to a
newspaper reporter:
Did you ever notice how common is
the custom of calling men by anything
rather han the plain Mister which used
to be good enough for almost any gentle
man back East?"
Why, yes, was the reply. II have
noticed that titles are rather common in
the West. How do you account for it's
We'll, possibly they are Just as numer-
Gus in the East nowadays, but I've not
been East for some years. But one thing
[ am certain of, and that is. hat men
back East are mot addressed upon the
streets and in the saloons. and everywhere
that they may chance to be, by the title of
whatever little office they may happen to
be filling at the time.
For instance, if you meet, or, rather,
if the average citizen-especially if he
happens to be a ward politician-meets n
member Of the city council, he will address
him as Alderman, no matter where he
may happen to be, and after his term
expires he will not be mentioned for the
next ten years without the same title,
with IN 'ex, pre6xed to his name. And
colonels-well, I'd like to stand here and
throw stones and get a dollar for every
colonel | could hit in the next three min
utes. I'll bet that I'd not be obliged 10
work for my living for the next six
months.
How do you account for thenumerous
%titles?"
We'll, I've looked the thing over
pretty thoroughly, and I've sized up a
good many of the men who are most
frequently called by high sounding titles,
and I've got a plan by which | can desic-
nate every man of title as soon as | lay
my eyes ON him. Now mind, there arc
many honorable exceptions, but if you
would like to know how to tell a man
with a title, 50 as to address him all right
the first thing, III tell you bow. And
mind, its pretty dangerous to call a man
by a title below the grade which he thinks
he belongs
- really would like to have the
recipe.
An right Wien you see a little, in
significant looking man taking long
strides and wearing a plug hat, if he's
over 30 years you arc safe to address him
as captain.
IF he is pretty stout and has q
plain red nose, and smells strongly of
bad whisky and a cob pipe, he's a
major.
IF the man is large framed, or only
very tall and has a red lace and a very
red nose with a wart upon the side of
it, you will be dead safe in calling him
colonel.
Now if the man is large. Or as | said
before, only tall and has a gray nous
tache or beard, drinks his whisky straight,
and a good big drink at that; if he has a
loud voice and a rcd nose with two warts
upon it, he a general every time, and
don't you ever seem 70 forget the fact
Judges are a little harder to place.
Amy man who has practiced IN a Justices
court or has been a Justice or a clerk for
a justice of the peace, can with perfect
safety be addressed as Judge.
80 you think you've got it all down
fine, do you, sir2"
"Well, you just bet your life, colonel. "
LosT-A bunch of keys Return to
Io,Io, oHo,