The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1885-01-03
THE LlME-KlLN CLUB.
Result of Experiments on Various Members
by Prof. Zollicofer Shortrack

Result of Experiments on Various Members
by Prof ZollicoTer Shortrack
AS soon as the meeting opened Brother
Gardner announced that Prof. Zolli-
Golfer Shortrack, of Meridian, Miss,
was in the ante-room. The Professor
came this way to give the various local
members of the club the benefit of his
experience in compromising cures for
chilblains, boils, ringworms. etc., and
for the past three days had been expert
menting on a number of individuals.
He had been asked to address the meet
ing on the subject of Diseases, ALL
ments and Their Preventives and Cures"
and when the hall was ready for his re-
ceptiOn he entered with the air of a man
perfectly at home in the highest society.
He would doubtless have handled his
subject in a thorough and able manner
had not something occurred to pre-
vent it.
Samuel Shin came limping in as the
Professor took the platform, and de-
manded chance to be heard. The
stranger had sold him box of salve for
two dollars and warranted it to knock
his chilblains sky-high in six hours. In
stead of the chilblains it was Samuel
who had been elevated about seventy
five feet and he felt that he was still
rising His feet had been made so sore
that locomotion was hardly possible, and
! the pedals which formerly slipped into
No. II boots without any effort could
not now be induced to enter six-inch
stOve-pipe.
The Hon. Oliver Cromwell Asbestos
followed Brother Shin He had for
years been troubled with a wart on his
nose. The Professor had taxed him
one dollar for a small phial of liquid,
and warranted it to run that wart into
the back counties inside Of day. and
that without pain to anybody. He
wanted the club to gaze on his nose
Indeed his face was all nose, and the
nose was all wart. Three different re-
putable physicians had plainly told him
that he would never be pretty again.
The innocent-looking Pickles Smith
come third. For the last five years he
has had a scar on his scalp, being the
result of blow from a stick of wood in
the hands of his devoted wife. The Pro-
tessor offered to remove the scar and
cause new growth of wool over the
spot for the small sum of seventv-fve
cents. Pickles handed out the solid cash
and bowed his head to the yoke. He
wanted the club to gaze on that head,
and pulled off his cap to give the MEM
bers fair chance. Two-thirds of his
wool had vanished, and the other third
was just dying to pull up stakes, while
the scalp resembled a dudes crushed
strawberry evening vest
The Professor had been dreadful un-
easy from the outset, and as Brother
Smith exhibited his head the man of
cures made a bolt for the door. Before
reaching it he was seized and flung
down, and by the orders of Brother
Gardner he was searched. An inspec-
ton of his pockets brought to light thirty
cents in cash, a remedy for bad breath,
and various receipts for salves and
liquids The money was divided among
the three sufferers, and the Professor
was then escorted TO the alley door and
given a start in the world. As Giveadam
Jones was the starter, and as he had on
new pair of cowhides and plenty of
room to swing his leg, the send-off was
probably all that could be desired.
(Which goes to prove" said Brother
Gardner, as the hall recovered its usual
order, dat, while we mus put mo- or
less confidence in human natur as we
pass frew life, de man who buys jack
knife widout tryin' de blades on a shin.
gle may fin Within harder work than
hOein' col ."-DetrOit Free Press.