Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1885-05-14
RAILWAY ETIQUETTE.
Timely and Important Rules of Con-
duet for the Benefit of Those who
Don't Know How TO Behave
Themselves i'm a Sleeper
or Dining Car.
By BILL NNE.

By BILL NIE.
Many people have travelled nearly all
their lives and yet do not know how to be-
have themselves when on the road. For
the benefit and guidance of such, these
few, crisp, plain, horse-sense rules of eti-
quette have been framed.
In travelling by rail ION foot turn to the
right on discovering an approaching train.
Ii you wish the train to turn out give two
loud toots and get in between the rails so
that you will not muss up the right OF
way. Many a nice, new right of way has
been ruined by getting pedestrian tourist
spattered all over its first mortgage.
On retiring at night on board the train,
do not leave your teeth in the ice water
tank. Ii every one should do so it would
occasion great confusion in case of wreck.
Ii would also cause much annoyance and
delay in the resurrection. Experienced
tourists tie a string to their teeth and re-
tain them during the night.
III you have been reared in extreme
poverty and your mother supported you
until you grew up and married so that
your wife could support you, you viii
probably sit in four seats at the same time,
with your feet extended into the aisles so
that you can wipe them off on other peo-
pie while you snore with your mouth open
clear TO your shoulder blades
II you are prone 10 drop TO sleep and
breathe with low, death rattle, like the
exhaust of bath tub, il would be good
plan To lie up your head in a feather bed
and then insert the whole thing in the
linen closet, or If you cannot secure that,
you might stick it out of the window aud
get II knocked of against tunnel. The
stockholders of the road might get mad
about it, but you could do it in such way
that they wouldn't know whose head it
was.
Ladies and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while in a beastly
state of intoxication.
In the dining car, while eating, do not
comb your moustache with your fork. BY
all means do not comb your moustache
with the fork of another. Ii is better to
refrain altogether from combing the nous
tache with fork while travelling, for the
motion OF the train might jab the fork in
TO your eye and irritate it.
III your dessert is very hot and you do
not discover it until you have burned the
rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do
not utter wild yell OF agony and spill
your coffee all over tota, stranger, but
control yourself, hoping TO Fnow more next
time.
In the morning is a good time TO find
out how many people have succeeded IL
getting on the passenger train who ought
TO he on the stock car.
Generally, you will find one male and
one female. The male goes into the wash
room, bathes his worthless carcass from
daylight until breakfast time. walking on
the fec. of any man who tries to wash his
face during that time. He wipes himself
on nine different towels, because when he
gets home he knows he will have to wipe
his face on an old door mat. People who
have been reared on hay all their lives,
generally want to fill themselves full of
pie and collie when they travel.
The female of this same mammal goes
into the ladies department and remains
there till starvation drives her out. Then
the real ladies have about thirteen seconds
apiece in which TO dress.
If you never rode in vanished ear
before, and never expect to again, you will
probably roam up and down the car, me-
andering over the feet of the porter while
he is making up the berths. This is
good way to let people see just how little
sense you had left after your brain began
TO soften.
In travelling. do not take along lot of
old clothes that you know you will never
wear
Never walk through a car staring every
body out OF countenance, like Jim Crow
detective hunting for the James boys, but
mind your own business, be quiet, polite
and patient and see that YOUR TICKET
TAKES YcU OVER THE GREAT Rock
ISLAND ROUTE. Then you will feel as
though you were among friends ALL THE
TINE, and you will leave the train with q
pang of genuine regret.