Grand Rapids morning telegram., 1885-02-10
SAULsBuRY'S SORROWS.
Hunted tn the Verge Of Lunacy by Mar
rIageabie Young and Old Ladies'

rIageabie Young and Old Ladies'.
Washington Cor. y. Y. Journal
"Is this Pennsylvadia avenue, sir?"
asked a beautiful young girl this after
noon of dignitied old gentleman.
mo you don'tl" shouted the old man, as
be pulled OF his spectacles aud hopped
over the curb. Il know all about you
young fiirts, and amt green as | look"
The old man threw an eye over his left
shoulder and spurted down the avenue at
top speed, leaving Miss Eva Dwyer COW
cred with bldshes and confusion.
The old man who acted in such remark
able manner IS Senator Salisbury of Della
ware. lie is pinched faced man and il
distinguished by his inordia2ta love OF
Morris cove oysters, and aversion TO mar
riageable females. A recent attack of in
nammatory rheumatism in the foot has
not improved tho old gentleman's DISPOSE
tion, and his curtness toward his brother
Senators has made him unpopular.
Recently Senator Wade Hampton, who
Is a bigger wag since he lost his leg than
ever, started a story about Salisbury that
has the effect of making the latter species
of monomaniac.
The story is that Salisbury took SOL
emn oath in 1860 never to marry until the
Democracy won President, and that he
now intends to lead an beiress, with whose
charms he has long been snlitter, 20 the
altar.
The large circulation Of this story has
had the effect of bringing a number OF
"heiresses" TO Washington whose hearts
have fallen prey TO the accomplished
frt from Dover, aud the aged statesmon's
existence has lately been a succession Of
spasms. A good-lookinS female In o
Gainesborough hat will give him kink in
the back as though he had beou kicked by
pile driver, while the approach OF Il gidly
little creature in curls will drive him to the
verge of epilepsy.
His experience to-day Is but one OF the
twenty or more that he has cvcry day, and
his friends begin to fear that II something
isn't soon done for his relief the Old man
will go off in an attack of "coil ywaf fl es !"
Whenever thereis rustic of silks in the
diplomatic gallery, the old gentleman will
hop up as though pin had been stuck into
him, and four times out OF every Gve that
he thus jumps he will strike his samc foot
against something and howl with pain.
A laughable scene occurred in the rotun.
da the other day, when N ary, the apple
woman, tried 10 induce the Senator 20 pur.
chase some of her last years fruit. She
approached him with an ancient rod apple
in each hand, and SMILED as sweetly as the
loss of her teeth would permit.
stand backr cried the Senator, poking
his cane at her. Don't you dare to como
near me, or I'll have you arrested"
But Senator, sure" pleaded Nary,
''you engaged"--
"Engaged.n shrieked the Deiawarean.
And the old man forgot his rheumatism
for once and bounded up the steps loading
to the Senate chamber like n young colt
Il had no idea," remarked Senator
Hampton, 'that Salisbury bad been 80
| playful in his youth or / would not have
cracked the joke on him. l. is too bad
indeed. but l suppose il cnn't be helped
now.
When Senator Salisbury enters the SEM
ate chamber now ne is at once the objective
I point of every opera glass in the gallery,
and many an old sweetheart OF his grown
I gray and wrnkled with weary waiting for
the old veteran 10 beavo 20 aud pop the
/ question, sighs like ~a.rUs when be ports
I his helm and sinks iuto bis scat. He lrie.
I his best, poor man. tn rsad newspapers and
write letters TO his constituents. bat It (,
+ plain that his mind ia not welded TO either
lie will stick his pen in the pasts-pot. and
the pasts-brush ia the ink bottle, and AL
/ most Invariably has ais paper upside down
He tried 70 pass or this latter absence o.
purpose, the other dav. when his at snt OF
was directed Is II, ly saying that he va,
ieft-handed, but tho excuse was palpa hly
lame one. Occasionally he will hide hi
head In the Congressional Record, but ther
he invariably goes 20 sleep and has horri
BE dreams. from which be will awake viii
a start and cal upon the Sergeant at arms
for protection.
The condition Of the Senator, thoux Y
painful 70 Ms friends. Is regarded as
wholesome example to the junior Senat rs
who may. II IS hoped, avoid much ms y
in their oil n by lesving auttering hear 4
20 Gutter All alone.