Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-01-15
WIT AND HUMoR.
Sweet Is the voice Of the maiden fair.


Inc maiden will sleep ere the morning grey
The glow Of the moon will fade away;
| Ihe zephyrH will die when the night Is gone
buf the blasted trombone will still play ON.
-Somerville Journal
! The light of her eyes was a shining blue 5e
/ The cast of her lips ruby red:
And this was all that he thought to do,
- AS he placed his hand on her well poised head
TO steal one long transient kiss:
And he Blended overward on his toes,
But all the remembrance of his bliss
Is the sears or nngernais on his nose.
-Cherubusco People
At cheap restaurant: ..Will you
have 25-cent dinner, sir, or 35-cent
onep" "What is the difference between
the twop" Ten cents, sir.''--French
Fun.
"Just look at that dress; my, don't
she put on lots of agonyP'' remarked a
Heights lady to her husband as they
met lady on the street. II think its
her husband who puts on the agony
when he gets the bills he replied as
he looked askance at his wife.
No, my son, prize-fghters never 90
to war. They know that a cannon
ball, bent upon knocking a man out in
one round, doesn't stop and go back to
its own corner merely because the man
lies down. You never hear of prize
fighter fighting anywhere unless there
is lots OF gate money behind the fight.
Harrington Ha,okeye.
John Fizzletep is not as industrious
as he might be at school, and his father
endeavors to correct the evil. $50 YOU
were kept in again to-day at school for
not knowing your lesson. just walk
into that room,n said old Fizzletep,
hunting for strap. ooh, no, pa.
DOM for goodness sake let us have
another one of those scenes.n
They were talking about the suffer-
ings of the Greedy party. ats ter
rible thing, isn't it, Clara" said
Charles, ito live off the flesh of human
beingsp ''Oh, don't know replied
Clara, a bride of six months. sYou
are cannibal, too, Charley. You live
off father, you know Charles tainted
dead away-at the ancient flavor of the
cutting remark. = Travellers Magazine.
A Little Rock man sold his cooking
stove to get money enough to take his
family to the circus. When one of his
friends demonstrated with him he said:
I'VE had no use for the stove; had
nothing to cook" sBut why didn't
you buy something to eat with the
money you got for the stove?" Then
we should have nothing to cook it on.
Don't talk to me. I'm philosopher. !"
--ArkdnsdU Traveller.
''Oh, dear" sighed woman who
was always complaining about her
health, and who was never, under any
circumstances, without some serious
ailment, Il feel so wretchedly this
morning. | think am the most un-
fortunate woman alive. .sYes," said
her husband, sympathizingly. Il feel
very sorry for you, indeed, my dear. /
don't believe there is woman in the
world who enjoys such poor health as
you do. n-Neao York Sun.
The Comanche Indians are said TO
be starving. There is no reason why
the Comanches should starve. Let
some New York lady of fashion do
away with her poodle and take Co
manche for a pet. Then all the other
fashionable ladies will take one. In
this way the Government will not only
be relieved of all the expense, but the
Indians will be fed and clothed. -
Louisville C0urier-J0ur1di.
4 Boston dude for some incompre-
hensible reason was married one day
last week to stout, healthy country
girl. The dude was perfumed, wore
frills on his shirt, his hair was curled, and
he presented such feminine appear
ance that the clergyman who was called
on to unite them in matrimony said.
Il don't want to make any mistake
about this business. Which of you is
the bride, anyhow"
A young lady up town was recently
missing from home for several DAYS.
Her distracted parents sent detectives
forth in search of her, and after they
secured the country in vain, she was
given up. The grief of her parents
knew no bounds, and when they were
just resigning themselves to the awful
calamity, the young lady walked in and
stated that she had simply been wait
ing for her change in Sixth avenue
dry-goods store. Puck.
A certain clergyman, who would
probably classify himself as an ''im-
pressionist,' happened to be passing
the shop of pariEhioner, and, being
DESTROYS of emphasizing great moral
lesson. bounds lightly in through the
door, emitting wild whoop, Natur-
ally the parishioner starts. ..You didn't
expect me--you weren't prepared for
me?" questions the clergyman. Il was
not" ''Then suppose / had been
Death-where would you have been,
ehP' yells the clergyman, and vanishes.
Philadelphia Press.
Calhoun county can boast the most
bow-legged family of negroes in the
South, or even Africa, we believe.
Riding few miles north of town the
other day, we saw the sight. Not one
of them could head hog in a forty
foot lane. We thought: 'sWhy is this
popularity of the race?n The Col
umbus Times comes to the rescue with
the following solution:
''Nigger baby bow-legged,
Niger baby bow-legged,
Niger baby bow-lcgged,
Behase he walk too soon.'
A young Philadelphia widow, de-
scribed as ''dashing,n it is said, will
give ball during the coming winter at
which no ladies but widows 80 years of
age or under will be present Grass
widows will be sternly barred out As
the local widows of the right kind will
not be numerous enough, invitations
will be sent to widows in New York,
Boston, Baltimore, and other cities.
The buds and roses of the Quaker City
are up in arms, and threaten to ostra-
cica al tho xya,tr,rr r,,ay, xs,bo m, attanI
the widows ball.
.'Does the man rushp" yes, he is
a rusher." ''Why does he hurry along
the street in that fashion, Perhaps his
house is afire.n Perhaps he never
had one. That man is lawyer, who
possibly makes $40 week. When he
leaves his Office he puts up a sign:
Back in three minutes; please waitr'
''But why does he rushPn ITO make
people think he is carrying the Supreme
Court of Michigan under his hat. "
wouldn't some of his creditors tackle
him on the street if he didn't put on so
much steam?' ''K'rect, my boy! You
might guess a thousand times and not
hit the nail any closer" Detroit Free
Press.
Kosciusko Murphy was taking cup
of coffee in Schmidt's restaurant on
Austin avenue, when the genial pro-
prietor came in, and, taking a seat
alongside of Murphy, they soon en-
gagged in conversation on scientific SUBJ
jects. at vas Something's wonderful, y
said Schmidt, "what progress is made
by science. I" Eyes, that is so, and in
some things science has gone as far as