Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1885-01-23
WIT AND HUNIOR.

-NeU York Journal
Holland is increasing its number of
wind-mills by two per day. 1t will be
NeW Orleans Picayune.
Holland has 10000 windmills. Du-
ring presidential campaign America
can see Holland and 90 her about
$4,000 windmills better.
We don't know why the god of mar
riage is called Hymen, Julia, unless it
is because the groom is generally
very 'shOrt' man after his marriage.
Dramatic views: 'Yoar son is an
he is ''Where does he act?" ''Down
the Bowery.' and what roles does
he play?'' Rolls, is it! Faith, he
rolls up the curtain. '-Rambler.
"Why did YOU strike that boy, my
SOM" asked a father. "Cause he said
stole his top '.And you struck him
to prove to him that you did not take
it, eh?' mo, sir, cause did take it,
but can whip any boy that says so. y
ArkansdO Trareler.
A father-in-law at wedding at
hiJltu ~ Illtth llc SlOOlu. uopC
now, sir, that you will not get into any
more scrapes." NO." said the new
son-in-law, Il shall not have a chance;
| snail never get out of this one
Providence NerS.
Terrified City Milkman (illing his
can at the pump)-"Great Scott!
What's that? Mary bring the gun
quick, there's a wild beast in the yard
Mary (who was once in the country
..Why, you old fool, that's a cow!'
L. G. Milkman-"YOu don't say So"
Puck.
Say, ma, seen a nigger put seven
eggs in his mouth all at once" said
Johnny Quarle as he came in from his
supper. ..Humph, that's nothing; your
father put that butcher shop and a
horse and wagon into his tartly re-
piled Mrs. Quarle. Whisky was the
ruination of the old man.
There is tendency to refine on
phrases that convey to the mindrepug-
nant ideas. Hence our friends don't
die: '.they have entered into rest" In
asnuch as the condition of the depart
ed is somewhat problematical, how
would it be to substitute the following:
"Withdrawn from circulation. .'-Bos-
ton Post
How much did Mc. Smith give you
at his wedding?' asked a minister's
wife of her husband. Two dollars"
Well that's very insignificant sum
for rich man like Mr.. Smith to paw
for such service" ut does seem
small amount he replied, '.but you
must remember that he has been mar
ried before. ."-NeU York Sun.
A mother in New York City whose
little son had fallen from the roof of
her dwelling and caught on a telegraph
wire. whence he was rescued by dar-
inc descent of another lad upon fire.
escape. spanked her son and gave his
rescuer 10 cents. Whatever may be
said of the latter act. the former show
ed wisdom beyond that of the present
age.
A sharp trick was played upon a
Lambertville citizen few days ago.
He gave tramp pair of old panta-
looms and was surprised shortly after
wards by chap returning and giving
him five dollar note, which he said he
had found in one OF the pockets. So
pleased was the citizen with the tramp's
honesty that he presented him with a
silver dollar but imagine his rage upon
discovering shortly afterwards that the
bill was counterfeit. .-Irent0n True
dnerican.
Two middle-aged women, who had
not seen each other for years, met the
other day in City-Hall Park. and em.
braced effusively. After they had re-
covered their breath one asked: Are
you married." ''Oh, yes, and have
five children-my husband is brick.
carrier in West Twenty-third street.
"Are you married." ''Yes. indeed"
"And your husband?" "He is a brick
carrier, too" Where does he carry?"
''In his hat"
a tramp applied to an Elizabeth, On.
J.) woman for food one day last week,
and she scolded him saying: 'Why
don't you come at decent time-right
after dinner or breakfast-not in the
middle of the morning?" He said: 81
hain't got no watch" in such piteous
manner, that she relented and went to
the kitchen to get him something.
Meanwhile her reproof sunk deep into
his heart, and, to guard against max
ing such mistake in the future, he
walked into the parlor and carried Oft
the handsome mantel clock.
Excuse me, madam" said gentle
man politely to lady from whose head
he had accidently pulled false switch
in crowded car. 'I've seen enough
of you to convince me that you are no
gentleman exclaimed the confused
ssAnl I ~ ,.af,rraI tho
man, handing back the lost switch,
me that you are no gentleman either
Pat, have you any prairies in Ire
land like we have in nlinois?" ''To be
shure we have. Didn't yez iver hear of
Tipperary?'-Y Yonkers Statesman.
A little fellow was climbing an apple
tree. and when on the topmost limb, he
slipped and fell to the ground. He was
picked up in an insensible condition.
After watching by his bedside through
many weary hours his mother per-
ceived signs of returning consciousness.
Leaning over him she asked him if
there was anything she could do for
him now that he began to feel better.
Should she bathe his forehead, or
change his pillow. or fan him? Was
there anything he wanted? Opening
his eyes languidly, and looking at her
the little sufferer said: Eyes, want a
pai- of pants with a pocket behind"
He got them.-N Y. Tribune.
Brother Gardner announced the fol-
lowing new legends to be hung on the
walls during the fall and winter term:
"A bigot am mo- to be feered dan a
fule. You kin silence a man by
knockin' him down, but it takes argy-
ment to convince him." "Human ma
tur' kin sometimes be depended upon
ober night, but it's the safest way to
take note of hand fur it." "a mans
rating am not how much he kin run in
debt, but how nigh he kin squar' up
ebery Saturday nig ght." Industry am
sartin to bring plenty, and economy
neber goes b'arfut in winter" BE
tween sayin' muffin an talkin' too
much de world leans to de man who
holds his tongue" ''Our opinion of