Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-08-23
WIT AND HUMOR.

quired Judge Smith the other day of
young member of the Rockingham IN.
H.. bar, who had Just tried his first
divorce suit. 'Yes. Your Honor, a
great DEAL" was the reply. "Ah! l
am glad to hear of it. In what line is
your practice particularly" "Well,
sir, particularly in economy" The
Judge called the next case.
1--WE encourage the interchange of
visits with the patrons of other re-
sorts, said the proprietor of a leading
Summer hotel; when our people are
away for the day they pay for the din
ners they don't have, and when their
friends return the call they pay for the
dinners they do have, SO we gain both
ways"
A gentleman came home in the "wee
sma hours ayont the twal,' at the
South End recently, and was surprised
to find his wife clad in black. ''Why
are you wearing these mourning gar
ments?" he said, somewho tunsteadily.
For my late husband" was the sign-
ficant reply. He has been III the house
at 10 ever since. boston Bndg3t.
New York policemen are being in
structed in poiteness and courtesy to
their prisoners. In future when they
club man it will not be with n vulgar
piece OF locust. but with French pol
ishcd rosewood baton, which will make
u man who gets clip over the head
feel as il he was being pounded by an
earthquake pcrfumed with altar Of
roses.
A Persian philosopher, being asked
by what method he had acquired so
much knowledge, answered: ''By not
being prevented by shame from asking
questions when | was ignorant. Ac-
cordng to this notion, a 5-year-Old boy
travelling in the cars with his mother
ought to acquire enough knowledge in
journey of fifteen miles to split his
head wide open.
An exchange says that to get the full
it is spread should be inserted in tho
mouth buttered side down. The fact
that the buttercd side up is the general
custom is an indication of general
and perhaps hereditary disinclination
to get the full flavor of the butter. We
have known the flavor of butter to be
so full as to fairly stagger. Spring.
feM Union.
A funny illustration of superstition
occurred in the city last week. A negro
employed by a grocer on Forsyth street
was bargaining with Maj. Black for a
hive of bees. and after settling about
the price he said: ~ pay you now,
boss, an den l gwine ter 90 an hire
Dick to come teal 'em fus chance he
git" "Why do you want to take all
that trouble?" 80, boss, Of l don
teal 'em dey'll run away, and won't
do we'll at all.-AmericuS (Gd.) Record
II remember" said Detroit boy to
his Sunday school teacher, '.you told
me always to stop and count fifty when
angry. "YesP Well, I'm glad to hear
it. 1t cooled your anger, didn't itP"
"You see, a boy he came into our alley
and made faces at me and dared me TO
fight. was going for him. He was
bigger'n me, and I'd have got pulver-
lied, remembered what you said and
began to count" 'And you didn't
iightP" "No, ma'am. just as got
to forty two my big brother came along,
and the way he licked that boy would
have made your mouth water. l was
going to count fifty and then rum
1t is almost impossible to keep up
with the times in these agonizing days
The newest wrinkle in aesthetic circles
is for young lady to artistically deco
rate miniature trunk, ostensibly for
collars and cuffs, with scenes from
noted Summer resorts and forward it
by messenger boy to her best young
man. If the trunk ever gets there it
will signify, "Isn't it an appropriate
season for wedding trip" If the
bait is successful the young man tailor
gets an order for some new and very
nice clothes. -Haryord Post.
II am planning a drama Of the
Twentieth Century" murmured tho
fair-eyed poet, as he ran his otf-iingers
through his asparagusyan curls. 'Ihe
scene will he laid in Canada, and the
story will involve the passionate love
between an ardent patriot of that land
and an American girl who is "A young
| thing and cannot leave her mother A
happy solution is offered by the project
| of annexation. 1t as put to vote; the
lovers rejoice by telegraph over the
early returns; but. alas! the solid vote
of the new ex-American bank Presi-
dent. cashier, and paying-tellcr citizens
bury the measure beyond hope of re-
demption! Tragical tableaux to end
the play" And the poets auditor said,
Great Scottw-N y. Tribune.
A touch of humor of an unpremedi.
tatcd character enlivened q recent CON-
menccment. A young woman, who
was reading with fine effect her grad,
uation essay, quoted from "Hamlet
as follows:
Thrift, thrift Horatio; the funeral bake
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
A a surprised smile which soon be
came laughter showed the amusement
Of the audience the graduate looked ul
in wondcrment, and, not understand
ing the interruption, calmly continue,
her reading, She apparently was no
aware that she had betrayed her Con
necticut descent by substituting TO
"bak'd meats" the cultured and Away
appreciated but hardly Shakspearear
dish of 'bak' Il beans"
Miss Louise Alcott was once with
party in tho midst of the miseries @
seasickness, when she gasped out
They name ships Asia, and Scotia an