River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1885-09-24
WIT AND HUMOR.
Mr.. sampIan's Caller.

81 vas both surprised and grieved, ;"
said Nh. Samplan, when awoke and
found a midnight intruder in my bed
chamber. | do hate to be awakened
form sound sleep, and | had always
rather meet strangers by daylight and
take regular Introduction.
"Well, this man-this audacious man
had the impudence to light my gas
| and point a pistol at me. Yes, sir,
and my gas bills are outrageously high,
and his pistol was probably loaded.
do hate to see a man so utterly needless
of other mems rights. 1t might have
softened the matter some had he been
a gentleman in his speech, but he WASH t
so-no, sir, he wasn't. As | opened
my eyes and sat up in bed he growled
out in voice like a sea lion:
:" BE quiet, old man, or I'll bore your
brains with a bullet
do you suppose I'd use man like
that? Never! I'd have some decency
about me. especially if my victim $
wife was beside him. My wife awoke
of course, and when the burglar saw
by her looks that she was about to
scream, he turned the pistol at her
and said
: Come, now; if you open that po-
tato-trap of yours III pin your head to
the wallp
Think of such language from a per-
feet stranger! Think of the insult to
my wife's mouth! No one will ever
know how badly she felt. She fell
back on the pillow and cried, and the
audacious burglar he clicks the lock
Of his pistol two or three times to keep
US scared and then remarks:
q Come, old coon, | want you! Git
up and pint out the valuabler
The brassiness of it! Wanted me
to help him rob my own house! | was
so amazed at his impudence that | got
up. He sat down in a chair near the
door, pointed his deadly weapon at
my heart, and ordered me to 20 ahead
and collect all the money and jewelry
and leave it on the stand. Did you
ever hear of the like? | wanted to ar
que the case a bit, for I'm a man as
doesn't like to be sent to state prison
for robbing his own house, but he
thunders at me:
Lively now, old spindle-shanks,
or II make a corpse of you.
81 assure you that | was considera-
bly, perturbed. Look at these legs
large enough to bear up an OK. Had
he any right or reason to use the term
'spindle-shanks He was no gentle
man-nO gentleman, sir | picked UP
about $500 in cash, two watches, and
lot of jewclry, and when | turned them
over to him he further revealed bis ma
ture Instead Of thanking me for the
size of the contribution, he grOwled
out:
"'Durn We for an old skinilint; I'm
a good mind to bore vel!
I'm no skinflint, us all my friends
will swear to, and | had given him all
we had in the house. After growing
for a while he orders me back into bed,
threatens us with death if we move
even toe before daylight, and then
goes downstairs. Here he eats up our
pies and cakes, breaks up all our plated
silver, carries off the milk jug and but
ter dish, and in going away, leaves the
doors open for cats, and mosquitoes,
and moth-millers to come in.
81 tell you what-such things 90 far
to vex good citizen and make a bad
man of him. | want to be treated like
a gentleman. especially in my own
house. | don't like to have strange
people enter my bedroom at midnight
and brow beat me. No true gentle
man VIII compare my wife's mouth to
potato-trap, and no man fit to appear
in good society will call me spindle
shanks, old coon, etc, unless we had
both been drinking and were having
hilarious time. feel perturbed, sir
very much perturbed, and if the thing
occurs again | shall certainly 90 to the
police about it. '-Detrou Free Press.