The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-05-28
WIT AND HUnIOR.


popularity in society?" asks q con-
temporary. In nine times out of ten
it is the size of her fathers bank &C
count
The bridal parlor of the new Kim
ball House in Atlanta is decorated with
the astonishing quotation, 1.-The mel
aneholy days have come, the saddest OF
the yearn
A Young lady writes: How should
ayoung man kiss meP'' If that young
lady possesses as little beauty as she
does sense she will in ali probability
remain ignorant till death.-Bosto11
Post.
In Siam husbands gamble away their
wives. In this country men think the
stake isn't worth playing for, even to
the extent that they don't care about
aunties unless the latter are flush
Boston Times.
Old gentleman to railway porter
Porter, the rain is dripping in from
the lamp-hole all over my trousers. "
Porter-''No, sir, it's quite water-tight,
l assure you; it's only the oil leaking
bit. "-LoHdo'a Pssnch.
1t is stated that out of 100 men who
parade in a brass band at least forty
are dummies and only pretend to play.
1t will be seen that bands are more con-
siderate than is generally supposed
Philadelphia Call.
The hoop-snake. which takes its tail
in its mouth, and SO trundles over the
ground, is, to say the least, regardless
of dress and its appropriateness. His
walking suit consists of a swallow-tail.
PittS6urg Bulletin.
How long does it take to become q
pianist?" asks subscriber. 1t is diff
cult to say. We know some people
who will never be pianists. This is re-
liable, and is published for the general
good of the COMMUNICATED York
Graphic.
Live weight socials' are said to be
very popular now out West. We don't
| know exactly what ''live weight So
Gals" are, but the name suggests an
| amusement that has been popular in
Somerville parlors on Sunday evenings
| for long time past.-SOnseTOttE Jour
| nal.
Last week the editor of the New
York Tribune sat in a room 168 feet
| from the sidewalk and wrote an editor
| ial condemning the erection of all
buildings more than $50 feet high. As
| the young man remarked at the board
ing-house, 'FTake off the griddle; I'm
through. ''-Detroit Free Press.
| Mrs. JONES'" exclaimed Smithers,
sauntering into the breakfast room,
"the war in China has removed one Sc.
rious cause for complaint against you. u
Against mer' replied the presiding
matron from behind the urn. Eyes, !
see that the market reports quote ties
as being stronger, "-BOStOn Courier.
Caucasian Tramp: '.My coloret
friend, please lend me a quarter.
fought, bled, and suffered four years il
the Union army to make you fret
man." Colored Gentleman: you die
your duty, sab, but bout loaning you da
quarter, don't keer, sab, to revive d.
bitter memories OBJ de Wah. "-TeIG
!Sytfngs.
Young Wife Gust home from tn,
cooking-schooD- feel so encouraged
Miss Parloa cOmplimented me on my
progress to-day. But poor Miss Smith
am real sorry for her. She triet
hard, but she doesn't seem to get on a
all. Young Husband-You must re
member, my dear, that Miss Smith ha
no one to practice on.-NetO York Times
A Kentuckian was guest at an up
town state dinner, and as often as hi
champagne glass was replenished b,
would drain its contents with an in
jured and dissatisfied expression on hi
face. Finally he turned to the gentle.
man who sat ON his right: 81 say
neighbor," he whispered ''ain't they
goin' to give US anything to drinke'
San francisco Ingtestte.
There's a good deal of money il
the house tonight" said the hea'
usher. 'Nonsenser' replied the man
ager; "more than three-quarters o
them are dead-heads." That's tn
idea was seeking to convey" said tn
head usher 81 supposed there mus
be good deal of money in the house
I know that very few of them left an,
at the box-office. ''-BoStOra Transcript
Cyrus w. Field says: Fifty year
ago this month came to New York a
boy, and now l am going away for
long rest. My family will not accom-
pany me-" This is little. equivocal
s.Are you going for business or pleas
about to depart for Paris. ''For pleas
ure.'' "Does your wife accompan,
you?" 81 told you 1 was going 70
pleasure.
A little 5-year-old boy in Naugatucl
thinks great deal of his grandmother
but is also specially interested in tuner
lady: you are getting pretty old
amt you, grandmother; you will di
one of these days, shan't your
should feel real bad to have you die
but I s'pose the services would be a
the house, wouldn't they?"- WGteT6uT.
| (G.) american.
The telegram read: 1.-THE Maharaia
of Nepaul has rendered $4,000 pickle
Goorkhas for service in Afghanistan.
The printer made it read: ''The Maha
raiah of Nepaul has rendered 1900
picked Gherkins for service in Afghan
istan." 1t might have been worse. N
doubt picked gherkins would be quit
, as acceptable as ''picked Goorkhas"
: Afghanistan, though we don't kno'
what a picked Goorkha is.-NorTistoso
3 Herald.
> Jinks-'1 tell you there is nothin
ike looking after the pennies. WHY
I some men pay 800 year in street-ca
!. fares alone. just think of it." Mini
D well, you ride, too, don't you?
8 ':No, sir, don't; walk to and frol
q my place of business every day.
: you can see how much save" "BI
| you live a long distance of. Don't 20
get tiredP" ''Oh, no; there are plent
;. of beer saloons to rest in. " PhiEGde
q phtG Call
A Danbury paper tells an astonisl
!, ing story of dog owned by Thoms
Mitchell, who lives on the line of II
u Shepaug Railroad. The dog had
!. habit of chasing trains, and one da
recently was caught by the wheels an
lost a piece of his tail. Two houl
q later he picked it up, carried it to son
= distance and buried it as carefully {
' he would bone. The suspicious fea
J ure of the story is that Shepaug Raj
; road train ever ran fast enough to cate
o dog.-RarJord Times.
The question whether money foul
in q shop belongs to the keeper OF {
. | place or the finder is often dispute
a writer In the Pharmaceutical Reco
; relates that customer In crug $40
once picked up dollar note from t
floor between two parallel counter
He inquired if any one in the store b
lost it, and finding they had not,
d appropriated it His claim to it bel
g disnuted. the case was submitted 70
= LAWYER, who said: ''The open passa
n between the two counters was de
a. Gated to the public, not in fee simp
= hut as a highway which they were
lie vited to occupy for purposes OF traf6G
IN So the finder kept the dollar.
be
,e- A BIr. Hubbard, a'bay fisherm
n says that late in the spring you '
en- often see 8 school of about fifty sm
re, catfish, not more than q quarter of
cd inch in length, very near the she
ne and if you look ten or twelve feet
rn Their out you will see the mother {
M If noise Is made she viii make S
Dr. T.kA1. ~