Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-11-05
WIT AND HUMoR.

A Sunday-school boy was asked by
the superintendent if his father was
Christian?
"Yes, sir" he replied, shut be is not
working at it much
! An Ohio man has invented a practi-
cal thinking-machine. 1t will be the
| greatest boon for dudes since the in
vention of the sword-pointed shoe
burlington Free Press.
A man never so forcibly feels the in
convenience of being understood as
when his wife informs him that if he
had been two inches taller his old
trousers would have made two pairs
for his son.
| A Presbyterian church at Carroll,
Ia, has the corners of its auditorium
| curtained of and furnished with cradles
and rocking chairs for the convenience
| OF mothers who are unable or unwilling
to leave their babies at home. Boston
| journal.
A lady teacher inquired of the men,
bers OF class of juveniles if any of
them could name the four seasons.
| Instantly the chubby hand of five
| year old was raised, promptly came
the answer: Pepper, salt, vinegar,
| and mustardr'
John, said the schoolmaster, .syou
| will soon be a man, and will have to
| do business-what do you suppose you
/ will do when you have to write letters,
unless you learn to spell betterp"
'Oh, sir, replied John, ~ shall put
easy words in them"
"Halloa. where are you going with
| that horseP" asked gentleman of a
| suspicious-looking man, whom he met
In Baliaghaderreen, on horseback.
well, | hain't a-going nowhere
with him." said the other, "but he is
| going somewhere with me-.
A man having lost the key to his
safe, wasted three days trying to get it
| open, without success.
Then he was adroit enough to get
somebody to hint to his wife that let
| tiers from another woman to him were
it open with crowbar.
Barber said a farmer to his tom
sor, ''now corn's cheap you ought to
shave for half-prlce.
Cant. Mr.. Jones'" said the man of
razors. al ought really to charge
more; for when corn's down farmers
make such long faces that.I have twice
the ground to go over.
Fritzchen: Mamma, / don't want
to go to auntie's to-day, cause of my
toothache.n Mamma: ..Nay, but YOU
must go, child. Aunte will be SO
glad you have gone to see her in spite
of n.
to her bit, though you have the tooth
achel' Fritzchen: "Yes, but | can't
eatn-Der ochatk.
A Yorkshire man, wanting to buy
stove, was looking over stock in a
store in Warrington. The dealer, in
praising certain stove, said:
''lf you buy one of these stoves, you
will save half the coal you would other
wise use.
Faith" said the Yorkshireman,
''then I'd better take two stoves and
save all the COAL
please help me a little" said a
vagrant poking his head into shop
in Mallow.
why don't you help YOURSELF"
asked the proprietor.
Thank you, WILL" said the tramp.
picking lip bottle of pickles and two
loayes oil bread, and then vanishing.
The shopkeeper never advises anyone
to help himself since.
"What on earth makes you announce
that you extract teeth without painP
Didn't | hear every patient you had up
here yell!''
You did, sir" replied the peripa-
tetic dentist, "but those were shrieks
OF JOY which they uttered, sir! They
were so delighted, sir, at being pain.
lessly relieved that they could not res
strain their enthusiasm
Great as Daniel Webster was. there
must have been times when he felt
that Mrs. Webster was the bigger per-
son OF the two. Some recent reminis-
cences OF the Sage OF Marshfield reveal
the fact that it was not an uncommon
thing for him to take his sou aside and
observe: Fletcher, my boy, let us 90
to Franklin tomorrow. We'll have a
good time and leave the old lady at
home"
When Herr Sonnenthal, the distin-
guished German actor, was in this
country, it was announced that he had
obtained q leave of absence from the
Emperor of Austria for only two weeks.
In imitation of this an American actor
now in Germany has put upon his bills
that he has with the greatest difficulty
secured leave of absence from Presi-
dent Cleveland to play in Austria one
month.
Now. you tell me | have fair
memory, a great capacity for learning
languages, large bump of generation,
and well-developed head generally"
''You have said the phrenologist.
us there anything asked the man
under examination, in the exuberance
of his joy, that my head needs to
make it absolutely perfect" Yes"
What is it, prayP" asked the man
"a shampoo. "-Barbers' Gazette.
An Ayrshireman some years ago,
attending the University of Edinburgh,
waited upon one of the most celebrated
teachers of the German flute, desiring
to know on what terms he would give
him few lessons.
The fiute-player informed him that
he generally charged two guineas for
the first month, and one guinea for the
second.
Then. by my fait," replied the
Scot, III come the second month.
One of the most poverty-stricken
Washers in the West End applied to
well-known gallant colonel for the
hand OF his daughter. I'm the first
place have sent in my application to
member of Parliament, friend of my
fathers, for position in one of the
departments" "Have you any other
resources?n asked the prospective
father-in-law. 20, yes, I'm seriously
thinking about giving up smoking"
pa" exclaimed the young lady,
''that's enough for us to begin with,
| isn't it?n--LOnd0n Punch.
A Mayo man short time ago landed
on one of the quays at Liverpool. in
search of harvest work. Afellow on the
quay, thinking TO quiz the stranger,
| asked him:
How long, Pat, have you broke
loose from your fathers cabin, and
how does the potatoes eat now?'
The Mayo youth. who happened to
have shillelagh in his hand. answered:
"Oh, they eat very well, my jewel;
would you like to taste the stake and,
knocking the inquirer down, coolly
walked off.
He was not questioned afterwards.
The chief rabbi of the Dantzic Jews