The Arkansaw traveler., 1885-10-31
AN ENGLISHMAN'S EXPERI-
 ENCE
(Cincinnati Enquirer.]

"Yaas, blawsted roomy country. shouldn't call it country, either; I should cali it world, ye know. But cawn't you regulate your railroads in America What mean is, cawn't you lave an official railway map with the gov- ernment seal-something reliable for for eigners, ye know, and stop these blawsted fakirs with their bloody maps and hair lines2'
 The reporter inquired whether the trav- eled Englishman had suffered morally, mentally or physically because of the American dispensation regarding railroad maps and air lines.
 Well, fancy, ye know. In Chicago, at the Grand Pacific, man asks for a ticket to Cincinnati, and all the reply he gets is Big Four2' At first, ye know, l fancied the booking hagent had mistak en me for one of your Big Four minstrels. and was properly hinsulted
 "You certainly don't look like burnt cork comedian"
 Rayther not, ye know and the book ing hagent did the quite correct apology, and explained about the railway attach ments of the four big cities hindicated on his bloody map. 'ope never to see an other St. Leger run if the Large Four Rail- way wasn't laid down on a dead straight hangle of forty five degrees between Chi cago and Cincinnati. It looked on the bloody map to be the only railway con- meeting the two cities, and booked that way. ye know"
 "Nlce road, too."
 "Yaas but presently found myself in Chicago, at the Palmer 'ouse, and when 1 asked for Cincinnati ticket the hagent impudently observed: T sell over the Panhandle. Go that wayp And when l inquired whether it was the Big Four Panhandle,' the hagent replied: Big Four hell See here, the Panhandle is the route you want. Why, the Big Four runs way round by Kankakee. We make the connection straight Then he flashed his bloody map with big black line on a dead straight angle of forty-6ve degrees between Chicago and Cincinnati, and said Panhandle was the Indian name for pet route,' ye know"
 You patronized the Panhandle ?' "Yaas."
 "Nlce road"
 "Yaas, but low about the bloody maps1 All ave got hair lines2 Coming Christmas time was in Chicago at the Fremont, and said to the booking ha- gent there, Which hever of the two lines to Cincinnati is the shorter-the Big Four or the PAnhandle2' Neither, sir; you want the Monon; it's the favorite route :; not only takes you through an 'andsome country, but it's hair line.' Demme, sir, l 'ope never to see Lunnun bridge if he didn't up fold another bloody map with another black line at hangle of forty-6ve degrees connecting the two cities"
 :" You took the Monon ?"
 "Yaas."
 Pheasant road2 ?"
 "Yaas but low about the bloody maps2 OV many hair lines lave yer As re- marked, this is roomy country, you know. It las to be. The sto k of Chi. cago 'otel liars would crowd any country on the other side. At the Sherman 'ouse the booking hagent showed me an- other bloody map. l told i'm my expert ence with the other booking blokes Look 'ere, said 'e, my friend, do you want to go to Cincinnati the way the crow flies ! 'Yaas' Then you must take the C. X A. We skip you through to Lima, shoot you straight down and save yoA hAaS, AOoOLV oud CAPCASCs ny kuC hair llne once The bloke 'ad bloody map, the same hangle of forty-6ve de- grees. Ere it is. 'Ere's the rest of the collection"
 The travelled Epglishman displayed an immense package of railroad literature, the bulging bulk of which suggests at least four dollars worth of Confederate sc-ip
 "Find the A. & P. route all right2"
 "YAas, but also found more liars iu Chicago. Demme, sir, the A & B., the B. X G the H. & l., the & K they all ave liars, bloody maps and hair lines at the same hangle like your freedom ere, sir, but in Gawd's name, low is it 'Ov is it your government permits the publication Of 'alf an 'undred hair line maps, hall laid out on the same hangle,