Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1885-09-24
T'irgimia free gress.
". ". b. GALLAHER, Editor.
September "a. 1885.
WfT IND HUMOR.

w hen a Afghan Is tanned uy the sun ne
really doesn't care, but when he is tanned
by Russian it is more than he can bear.
Ii the Book OF Proverbs had been written
in these days, it would not say, " Go to the
ant thou sluggard," etc; but it would read,
Go to Boston, thou slugger," etc.
\ Vermont husband i, reported to have
frustrated the intended elopement of his
wife by taking possession + her silk dress.
He knew she wouldn't run away in a calico
COWS.
An article is now going the rounds of the
press entitled Napoleon as Man" We
believe that Mr. Wellington always insisted
that Napoleon was no lady.
Where shall be buried" sighs poet;
Isn't graveyard good enough for you? Do
you want to be buried in the top of tree {?
just name the place, though, and well see
that you are put there.
In making his official report of death to
the clerk of a city near Boston the other day
a physician handed in the following p" Pri-
mary cause, Bright's disease; secondary
cause, Christian scientists"
That wild-eyci animal, the punster is
running riot in the particolored illustrated
weeklies, distorting all the ideas of The day.
With pros and cons he cons the prose, per-
verting each assertion, while to give ver-
sion proper he exhibits e'er aversion.
in ol-country resident, after hearing
Goldsmith's poem. "The Deserted VIII
lagc,' read in an eloquent manner, drew
long breath aud said
"I'll be burned if tina Village Of sweet
Auburn don't remind me of Petroleum Cen
tre."
\ gentleman with his wife lately visited
a cemetery in Attleboro, Mass, with one Of
the directors of the place, for the purpose
Of ofselecting lot After inquiring the prices
he asked if he must pay in advance. "Well,
no" was the reply guess you're good
for it, only if you don't pay right down you
will be expected to bury some Of your folks
within two years.
81 beg pardon, ma'am, but are you GO
ing into the country this summer ?" politely
inquired grocer of shoddy society lady
on Fifth avenue why, certainly. -
Very well, ma When shall stop
calling for the orders ?' " Let me see.
Well. guess you'd better continue as usu-
al until the middle Of June. After that
don't call until late in the evening as ]
don't want the neighbors to see you
There is a great deal Of true religion in
Nature" solemnly remarked young cler-
gyman while calling upon lady of his
congregation the other evening.
"There is, indeed" was the quiet reply.
'We should never forget that there is a
sermon in every blade Of grass"
"Quite true We should also remember
while We are about it that grass is cut very
short at this season Of the year"
Erudite grocer balancing can Of peach
es on his handl--" Ny dear madam, did
you know that we really knew nothing
about canning fruit and vegetables until
the ruins Of Pompeii were uncovered, and
splendid specimens were recovered, canned
over twenty centuries ago ?"
Suappi.h lady customer" 10, didn't
know it. But did know that your canned
goods were very old. How long before you
will have your stock from Pompeii worked
ofg"
Judge" said the attorney who was pros
ecuting case in Nevada for the people, " ]
ask you to remember that this Is the sew
enth time the plaintiff has been shot at with
in year"
"Hm-iust 50. In the other six cases
he was fired at, in every instance. by peo-
pie to whom he had sold nion Pacific
stock. What was the motive in this case ?"
Well-well-well, it was the same, your
Honor"
"Oh-exactly. Well, find the prisoner
not guilty ,as usual
4 Waco lady advertised for a servant and
a coIored woman put in an appearance.
Her first question was
Has yer got any ehiiuns ~
No. I've got 10 children. Why do
you ask ?"
Bekase if you hant got no chilun I
haint gwinter stay wid yer"
"What have children to do with your
work ?"
Il don't wanter stay in no hause whar