News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-09-24
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
SOME HUMOROUS READING FOR THE
HEATED SEASON.
How to Make a Yacht-The Ingredients all
thcre-Taking to the WOOds-It was Done
Mechanically - He Ought to Advertise,
Etc., Etc.

tbcre-Talsins to the Woods-It was Done
Mechanically He Ought to Advertise,
Etc., Etc.
HOW TO MAKE A YACHT.
$50 this is the vessel you have been
Dragging so much abont?"
Eyes, sir; there she lies. Beauty,
amt she?'
sBeauty! You don't call that un-
wieldly looking tub yacht, do you?"
Certainly, she's yacht. She want
yacht yesterday, l admit, but she's
yacht nova
.'How can she be a. yaclit o-day if she
was not a yacht Yesterday"
"Well, you see, had her washed out,
and I've filled up her cabin with liquors
and cigars, put seven cases of lager and
barrel of beer in the fo'ksl, and If
that don't make her q yacht, then l
don't know what a yacht Is. 1t amt
the build of vessel that makes yacht;
it's the liquors and cigars, and the beer
and the ham sandwiches and the folks
that's on board on her that makes her
yacht. Put crowd on board on her
that can get tight and play Billy an all
afore they get out of the harbor, an
she'll be such a yacht as no true gentle
man need be ashamed on. ."-Boston
Courier.
A STRATEGIC RAILWAY.
"Russia is building strategic rail
way to the Austrian frontier" You
know what strategic ailway is, don't
you2 Buys its right of ways from the
farmers for an annual pass, then gets all
the land condemned and takes up the
passes, then gets State grant of two or
three counties for the directors, buys its
iron on long time, and pays for its grad
ing with construction bonds, then issues
equipment bonds to pay for rolling
stock, borrows all the money in the
country on the mortgages, calls in every
thing outstanding and exchanges it for
deficit, changes its name from the
'North and South Air Line" to the
''East and West Short Line" divides the
swag among the directors, and runs the
road with the deficit. 1t may be new In
Russia, but it's an old thing with us.
Country's just full of strategic railways.
-BroOklys Eagle.
A WRETCH.
A young married lady said to her hus-
band few days ago:
'|Dear John, | wish you would buy
me that elegant set of diamonds we saw
in the window of that jewelry store on
Austin avenue"
''Well, dearest, you know, that when
you wish anything, it is just the same to
me as positive order, replied John.
eyes, John, yes. Oh, you are so
good"
"Your wishes are the same as orders
to me, and you ought to know me well
enough by this time to know that l will
not be ordered about by anybody" an
swered the brute calnaly I'ecaS iSift-
ings.
l4---=-=-sAfTz-sszE TSzGRH~,AESTsr
sewhat smell is that, my dear7
"Cloyes, my love"
'eBut the other odorG"
cinnamon, darling"
''But l smell something else."
ooh, that's allspice."
''But I'm certain l smell something
that isn't spiced at all"
"That's an apple ate just before !
came in"
"Well, - said Mrs. B., elf you'd only
swallowed ham sandwich and drink
of brandy you'd have all the ingredients
for good mince pie"
IN HARD LUCK.
81 think I'm the unluckiest man in
town." said husband to his wife.
'Smith has owed me $50 for three
months, and he promised to pay me to
day."
''Didn't he pay?" she asked, anxi
ously.
eyes, he paid, but while he was il
the act of giving me the money Brown
came in-you know I've owed Brown
$50 for more than year-and, o
course, l had to turn the money over t.
him. That's what | call hard luck. :"
STOPPED IT.
SIS your pa at home, little girl?'
eyes, SIR; do you wish to see himF
"Yes."s
'But you won't know him if you d.
see himT
"Why, what's the matter2"
''Well, you see, out in the country
on our farm, man and his wife got t.
fighting, and pa tried to stop them"
'Oh, indeed!"
: Eyes; you'd better call again. Yo
wouldn't know pa now. - OSaoego Times
VENERABLE CHESTNUT.
A story is told of shrewish Scotch
, woman who tried to wean her husban
) from the dram shop by employing he
r brother to act the part of ghost an
. frighten John on his way home. ''Wh
, are youH asked the guide man, as tn
apparition rose before him from benin
bush. 81 am Auld Nick" was the Re
, ply. ''Come awa' man," said JOIN
! nothing daunted. ''Gie's shake
! your hand. | unmarried tae sister
yours!
: A PECULIAR NAME.
r Dumley (who has just been Introduce
to Miss Doddcluml- -. -assr--s rather
r peculiar name, Miss Doidclum. new
d heard it but once before. | had son
e business communication with man
= that name in Peoria, Illinois. and
precious rascal he proved to be, to. d
/ understand Mrs. Hendricks to s.
that you are from Boston, Miss Dod
clum9
If Miss Doddclum-No, sir. I'm fro
;, Peoria, Illinois.
II TAKING TO THE WOODS.
a Citizen Ito editor with valise in /
u handl-Hello, Shears! where are y
;. going at this hour of the mornings
u Editor Shears Cooking warily abo,
- Pm going for the first train. In wr
~ = ing up the sociable last night | stat
u u that the ladies were the comeliest lot
~ women ever saw assembled togeth
y This mornings paper had ''homelies
u u for tcomeliest," f" and I'm going into t
:. North Woods for months vacation
m THE VALUE OF AN OATH.
W Judge Ito witness)-"Do you kn'
at the nature of an oathg"
y, Witness-"Sah?"
n, "Do you understand what you are
as swear to?"
as eyes, sab. Pm to swar to tell
IL truf."
n "And what will happen if you do !
Mt tell it9"
I'd 81 'spects our side IL win de ca
es sah "-Albany E1press.
- DIDN'T WANT HER EARS BOXED.
We Mother-'fElla, go to bed, say ,g'
e night to the governess, and give ne
is kiss
K Ella-'cNo, mamma, don't want
to give her kiss"
IN "And why not?"
"Because, when any one gives he
kiss, she boxes their ears. Ask pap
ia she doesn't. p Cincinnati San.
III pur ulTE-aHRII