South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1885-01-02

PoupOus reply. L aiH u lawyer, elT,
not o drummer. / am not selling
merchandise. i am selling brains. -
sAh, see,' said the clerk. .Ofcourse
you don't want IA sample room when
you don't carry samples
Did you receive any remuneration
for your services. Uncle Jake?'
'RemuncrashuD, sab? No, sab, cul-
lerd folks doasn't git no credit 70 wat
dey does in dis worl'. He just troo
Inc a dollah, sab.
There is good one told By Gene.
raj Pierce Young. Custer & Young
were messmates and classmates and
devoted friends at Weet Point In the
war they were major generals of cav.
airy OF opposing sides. One day Gen.
eral Young was invited to breakfast
at the Hunter mansion in Virginia
The beautiful young ladies had pre-
pared smoking breakfast, to which
the General was addressing himself
with ardor, when q she'll burst through
the house. CHANGING through win.
Cow he saw Custer charging towards
the house at the head OF Lis staff.
Out of the window Youpg went, call.
ing to the young Iadiss-'I ell Custer
leave this breakfast for HIM. Custer
enjoyed it heartily, and looked for
ward with pleasure to the dinner
In the distance. La the meantime
Young, smartiug over the loss OF his
breakfast and his hasty retreat, drove
the federal line back, and by dinner
time was in sight of the Hunter mar
sion again. Custer, who was just cit
ting down TO dinner laughed and said
That's Pierce Young coming back.
| knew he wouldn't leave me here in
peace. Here's my picture give it to
him aud tell him that his old class
mate leay es his love with this excel
lent dinner And ont of the window
he went & away like flash, while the
Georgia general walked III and sat
down TO dinner
1t was at the baptismal font, and
the minister had the baby in his arms
what il the name he asked of the
mother.
Josephine Newton
Joseph E. Newton, j baptize'thee in
the name-"
No, no. hurriedly whispered the
mother in great alarm. Not Joseph
f. Newton. Josephine Newton. It's
not that kind of baby
An cXchange-we won't expose the
unfortunate by naming him-says:
There Is time in the affairs OF all
men which, when taken at its flood
leads Oh to success. And there is a
time in the history of the editor OF
weekly newspaper, when he needs
something more than glory to get fat
SOMETHING He WOULD Eat
Heard good story ON West Eud
minister one day last week He is
vegetarian Of the stri3test order, and
III tie course of his pastoral career he
was invited out to Sunday dinner by
one of the sisters of his flock, whose
name for the nonce shall be Smith.
Old man Smith didn't go to church
that morning. His wife told him to
expect her to bring home company TO
dine, and he, with the aid of the cook,
laid the foundation for superb re,
past. Mrs Smith came home, but all
the company she brought was the MN
lister. They were seated at the table
when this sort of conversation ensued:
'hr. Jones, meaning the minister;
what part Of the chicken do you
like best 2
Really, Mr.. Smith, don't care
about any chicken.
well, here is some extra fine roast
beef; try some of this
Excuse me, Mr.. Smith, will fore
go the beef
Il have some tender lamb here
how will that suitt
Il never eat lamb
We'll, now | know you CAN'T re-
fuse this boiled ham
Pardon me, but ham never touch.
During all this time, Smiths father,
an old gray-haired sinner, had been
seated near him watching opera tons,
and, standing it as long us he could,
squeaked out in piping voice
John, may be tie - fool will
suck all egg
The enjoyment OF that dinner was
spoiled.
An unmarried woman is girl until
she is forty. After that she is an old
maid.
Why is farmer like a chicken?
Because he delights in full cro,.
The tip of fashion-A quarter of q
dollar
ar Thore "a q storv nr N mas ,vho