Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-09-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

But there's nothing will a man invest
With mirth, and make him holler,
Like finding in a last years vest
A last year unspent dollar.
He writes:
Last night left my heart with you,
A captive to your winning grace:
As you have one that's kind and true.
Pray send me yours to take its place.
She answers:
II. you have left your heart with me.
can't say regret II:
And as for minc-well, let me seei-
Call round tonight and get it.
Boston Courier.
Fat little cakes! Curd cakesr'
'.Ducks and chickens! o. my soul!
Good ducks and chickensp' are some
of the Mexican street cries.
A man may be bold in business.
brave in battle and courageous in time
of danger, but the small brother of the
girl whom he is counting will often
knock him out in one round.-M y.
Journal.
Scene: Newly-paved street. First
Scotchman (walking on sidewalk y
Here, man, Jock, come aft the course
road on tae the ftpad." Jock-"Na,
I've paid for the stanes. an I'm GAVIN
toe TAX the use o. them"
Mamma. who tore Mr.. BANDS hair
all out?" said little Mable. Hush,
child, you musu't speak of such things.
Papa is bald, too, you know" Yes,
but l want to know who tore Mr..
BANDS hair all out; he isn't married.
Professor Ito student)- There are
several misspelled words in your es-
say, Mr.. B.. one of which is .sopho-
more" For college student such an
error is inexcusable. Mr.. B. (making
the hest of iD-But am only fresh
man, sir.
An anglers paper speaks of the
.shrinkage of trout streams" A trout
stream may shrink. but the trout never
does. 1t generally expands and in
creases in weight after being removed
from the stream by an angler Norris
toUn Herald
A Young Crichton. = Young Lady
And how is Johnny getting on at the
new school, Mrs. Scatterpolep Mrs.
Scatterpole-O, beautifully, my dear.
He's learning six languages-French.
German, Latin. Greek. Algebra, and
Euclid!-Fun.
AN Illinois junk-dealer recently
bought load of scrap-iron which con-
tanned pocketbook with $1,000 in it
fora song" says an exchange. If this is
the case he had better abandon the
scrap-iron business and adopt vocalism
for profession. Graphic.
WAS Rome founded by Romco?"
inquired aspupil of the teacher. mo,
my son." replied the wise man; lit
was Juliet who was found dead by
Romeo The pupil said nothing. but
Immediately wrote to the Postmaster of
Joliet, ILL.,, for fall particulars. Y.
Journal.
A country editor received the follow
ing: dear Sir-I have looked care
fully and patiently over your paper for
months for the death of some individual
was acquainted with, but rs yet not a
single soul care anything about has
dropped off. You will please have my
name erased.
What were called the dark agcspn
asked the Professor. Can you tell.
Mr.. Fastboy?" Mr.. Fastboy hesitated.
After an embarrassing silence of few
moments he said, 1.-The dark cagesP
think they must have been the slave
ships" He went up head In a horn.
brooklyn Eagle.
When the well-known song, "Mrs..
Brady's Daughter" was having run,
lady one day went into music-store,
and. stepping up to dashing youag
salesman, sad: "Mrs. Brady's Daught-
err. "Glad to know you." replied the
young man. extending his hand: chow
is your mother?"
A Nebraska tailor has coined q new
word, as will be seen by his advertise
ment, reading: Just received. the
most complete assortment of suitings
and paintings ever offered" etc We
have .suitings," ''shirtings," "stock-
ings," etc, why not "pantingsP"- In
didnapolts Sentinel.
Language, you know was given to
man to conceal his thoughts. and you
never realize it so intensely as you do
when you see the minister SIT down
violently just after his heel has found a
square inch or so of ice under the snow,
and hear him mildly ejaculate: Dear
-Somervills Journal.
An old lady was viewing the stock
of some burnt-out dry-goods store on
Market street few days ago. The
burnt-edged bales were strewn across
the sidewalk. Above was a sign,
Another sacrifice" Another sacri-
fice,' said the old lady. "Yes-burnt
offerings!"-San Francisco Chronicle.
Landlady, with pleasant smile
viii you carve the turkey, Mr.. Old
boarder? Mr. Oldboarder, with an
ominous frown-No, ma'am. You
don't carve rubber; you mold it. Pro-
ceeds to mold the proud bird into ir-
regular parallelograms bisected at the
angles with serrated assures of abnor-
NAL density. Brooklyn Eagle.
A number of ballet-girls called at the
White House the other day, and cyni-
cal observer remarked that the Presi-
dent was very ELUSIVE in his reception
of them. And why shouldn't he be-?
There is something about the antique
which has ever attracted the admira-
ton of philosophers, men of science,
and art lovers. Boston Transcript.
ut is terrible to see what revenge
these plumbers show" he said, us he
laid down the paper he had been read
ing. Eyes, it is" she replied. What
special circumstance do you refer to
nowP" "A Philadelphia knight of the
solder has just poisoned dado at the
geological garden because the bird had
a larger bill than he did. III Judge.
A Lewiston young lady. who is just
learning to talk, wanted TO tell one of
her older acquaintance of an affection
under which one of her friends was
suffering. She succeeded pretty well.
HE has a steam,h she said. She
meant boil; but what's the difference?
The young lady referred to is about
years old.-Lewiston (Me.) Journal.
Two rival country editors, while at
political meeting, were importuning
an old farmer to take their papers
Gentlemen, don't want both," said
he. ''Well, take mine," replied one of
the editors. Mine has twice as much
original reading matter as his" THAT
SOP Well. / believe I'll take his. l al
ways want the best. Arkansaw
| Traveller.
A little girl aged 4 was sitting with
a doll in her lap and basin of water
by her side. ..What are you going to
do with the dolly?" said her mother.
"Christen her, replied the child. 30,
| you must not play at christening, re-
turned the mother. ut Is a sacred SUBJ
ject." Then I'll vaccinate her, man.
ma; that is not a sacred subject Lon
don Truth.
| A Jefferson young man kissed his