Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-10-01
WIT AND HuAIOI,.

rogues gallery.
Carving TO accommodate: .Will you
carve the roast beef, Mr. Jorlap?' ask
ed the landlady. singing a sweet smile
at the head boarder. Certainly, with
pleasure, madam" responded Jorlap;
where's the saw? "-.licrchaat IraU-
eler.
The cashier of the East Saginaw
Savings bank. who recently skipped to
Canada with $3.50, 600. has just sent
back check for $4,000, to be used in
enlarging the almshouse ut that town.
He says that no one shall accuse him
of not feeling for the poor depositors.
Now, Uncle Gabe, ii you have got
anything on your heart, any last wish,
speak out" said the Rev. Whangdoo-
die Baxter to an old negro who had on
~ few hourssto live.
IL amt got no last wish 'ccpt dat
wants ter get well. "-1 rkdasaw 1rau-
eier.
John. did you go round and ask
how old Mrs. Jones was this morning,
as told you to do last night?" YES,
sir. ''Well, what was the result?n
''She said that seeing as how you had
the impudence to ask how old she was,
she'd no objection TO telling you she
was II.
They are making door with five
keyholes, " said Mrs. Anger. Whats
the use of having SO manyP' asked Mr.
Anger. at will be much easier to UNI
lock. You can find it more easily
when you come home late, replied the
kind lady. "Rubbish!' responded Mr.
Anger. '.Idiocy! When | come home
late one key-hole is about all | care to
find. Puck.
Miss B.-l wish that conceited fool
wouldn't annoy me so much with his
attentions. | wish he'd mind his own
business.
Miss F.-He can't mind his own bus
mess.
Miss Because he's got no BUSH
ness?
Miss F.-Becausc he's got no mind.
--Ibitadetthia Gail.
A. j. Cashdollar was among the APP
plicants for marriage license before
Judge Satin this week. That is what
Is needed in these parlous times, when
man takes unto himself a wife.
Love in a cottage" is all very well in
its way, but the wherewith to keep the
wolf from climbing in at the kitchen
window Is very necessary adjunct to
orange blossoms. Ohio State journal.
A census-taker at Buffalo had fun
ny experience. After the usual oues-
tions had been put and answered at a
house, he was about to leave, when the
woman, who had seemed in an uncer-
tain state OF mind, made bold to say:
II think there may be another by this
time; wait little while" He sat for
a few minutes. She returned, exclaim-
ing: Yes, you can add another. It's
girl.
Mr.. Tompkins Go Manager Snap.
show who has just returned from Eu-
rope): did you have pleasant trfp?'
Snapshow; ''Oh, YES; but | was very
homcsick until reached Rome. felt
all right there. p" Tompkins: How
was thatP" Snapshow: why, spent
two days in the catacombs, and the
collection of dead heads there made
m, feel rs though | was at home
again.
A Kentuckian called on the President
the other day, with view to obtain an
office.
well, sir, said the President, who
was busy, what will you havc?"
The K ntucSians anxiety in behalf
of his OBI ci an the rather abrupt
manner OF lie President confused him
somewhat and he s;ammercd out:
IN make it the sesame as be- before. !"
--NeW YORK. Times.
Many dcv Cos have been put in use
by actors and lecturers to keep from
smiling. nut he simplest and most eff
fectiye is To pat \ small wooden button
in the mouth. and bite down on it ev-
cry time the impulse TO laugh makes
Itself manifest. Some grit their teeth
or ctinge their toes. and famous min
strcl for long time resorted to the
scheme of sticking pin in his thigh.
-Ba'timore Herald
A witness discounted lawyer by a
rather unexpected reply. To the ques-
ton: What is your name?' III.
Bamberger, was the answer. what
is your Christian namc?' asked the at
torney. II have no Christian name. )"
said Mr.. Bamberger. mo Christian
name? How is ihat?' For the sim
pie reason that am a jew My full
name is Herman Bambcrgcr." The
lawyer gracefully acknowledged his de-
feat.
St. Louis is getting the love making
business down pretty fine. A young
man who was caught flirting with the
female pupils of Kirkwood Seminary
has been fined $50 and costs, notwith-
standing some of the young ladies APP
peared as voluntary witnesses in his
behalf and testified that the fun of see
ing him dressed in swallow-tail coat
and crawling through hole in the
back fence afforded them SO much mer-
riment that it lightencd the labor5 of
the school-room for full month.
American hcircss (who had just mar
ried a title) What did that vulgar
fellow mean by addressing you so IA
military, COUNT" Foreign Count (her
new husband) -"Oa, nothing, nothing,
my dear. He just happened to know
me. :" ''But he did not call you by your
titleP" well, no. J." Don't he know
you are a count?" mo; he only knows
me by my stage name" Stage name?
How romantic. Why. you darling, !
did not know you had been on the
stage" Goa, yes; I've been driving a
Broadway stage for ten years. "-ihH-
adetphia call.
LAT said gushing, sweet girl
graduate visiting in the vale of Pochunk
as she gazed on stretch of orchard
trees in bloom. Ia! How pinkly
sweet and dcliciously. delicatcly fra
grant those apple blows are. They en-
chant one awfully!n
"Ia-a-s," said the honest farmer
who held the deeds to the blooming
acreage. Them blossoms is smcllin'
good. But, great sprouts! We orto gil
a sniff on 'cm in the fall, arter they We
been 'stilled inter juice! Yum yum!
Ten minutes with a gallon on 'em there
is wuth hull month with an orchard
on EN- nowr-N. Y. san.
The Living Ch,uct tells this Sunday
school story. J he teacher was explain.
ing about Solomon and his wisdom.
NOW, dcars, who was the great Queen
who travelled SO many miles and miles
to see this King?n Silence prevailed
in the class. ''Why, you do know, all
of you. The Queen who came to see
the King?' Tue name had been for
gotten by the class. In order to heir
them the kind but misguided teacher
began to offer little assistance You
do know, am sure. The name begins
with ). and she was a very great