Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-03-01
THE BLONDE MAN
With Jolly Red Nose, Tells of His
Tribulations.
CompIexion-An Argument with
n Sarcastic Wife-APpear
ances Against Him.
George W. Peck in Peck's Sun. ]

George W. Peck in Peck'S SUM-
Have a drinkP said a saloon rounder to
a blonde man with a red nose who came in
to sample the free lunch
mo thanks, do not drink said the red
nosed man.
We'll, then, would take in the sign,' and
the saloon rounder and all his friends laughed.
The blonde man sat down with the fellows
who laughed at him, and after feeling of his
his nose, said:
Gentlemen, that red rose and face Of
mine is more trouble than all my wealth.
am a temperate man, and never
drink intoxicating liquors at all, and
yet every time l go out fishing l get
sunburned so that / carry a red nose for a
month, and it would be hard TO convince
anybody that | was not a regular old topper.
My intimate friends are constantly being
asked if do not steam il pretty bad, and
it takes good deal of their time to stand up
for me and deny that | am a drunkard. Peo-
pie are sorry for my wife and children, and
boys look upon me as frightful evidence Of
what strong drink does for man; fathers tell
their children to beware Of the wine cup when
l go by, and point to my nose l tell you,
boys, it is pretty tough Tor a man who has
not drank drop for years, and don't want
70 tAlillhs W bt loOhtu pun US
my wife is one of those sarcastic women
who never spoil good story for relations
sake One night | attended Scotch ban
quet where they had Scotch whisky. You
know how it smells Well, some of it got on
the table, and brushed my sleeve in it, but
did not drink drop. When got home, a
little after midnight, my key wouldn't work
in the door, the first time it ever failed to
work, and had to ring the bell My wife
came down in her ascension robe and opened
the door, and she insisted that had not the
key in the keyhole at all To show her that
the key would not work, l held the door
open and tried the key, and l hope to die il
it did not work all right OF course 1
blushed and my nose was redder than ever,
and my wife said, in her peculiar tone,
'Banquets often work that way on men.
Some of our best citizens can't find eyhols
when they come home from banquet
Il tried TO argue with my wife, there in tbs
hall, and explain to her that she did me an
injustice, but she got a smell of that Scotch
whisky ON my sleeve, and while she knew
that would cut my arm OFF before | would
drink, she said if it was not whisky she snelled,
then she never smelled whisky. was so dis
gusted that went up stairs to retire, but
when went to pull my boots off / swow /
could not get them off. 1t was pair of new
tight boots that l only wear to weddings and
ban9uets, and as l tugged and pulled, my
face got redder than ever, and my wife
looked at me with that calm look, as
though she actually thought l was drunk,
when she knew better. She told me could
lay a newspaper on the bed to put my feet
on, and sleep with my boots on, adding that
some of our best citizens occasionally went to
bed with their boots on. To cap the climax,
was taken sick at the stomach, from some
thing l had eaten at the banquet, some sors
of Scotch pudding that was not acquainted
with, but which Scotch friend who sat next
to me induced me to eat. That settled it,
and my wife held up her hands in horror and
said, Mercy on us, what will come nextP
She added that she hoped it would be my
boots that came next, so could retire.
Il was mad, then. 1t was aggrayating,
but l woke up the coachman to pull my
boots off, when l explained TO him that it
was a pair Of new boots that l wore 10 the
banquet, be laughed and said it was all right
He said the last man he worked for he had
to pull his boots off every night, and he
didn't think anything of il, because he knew
how it was when a man went out to have
little whoop up with the boys. Dear me, I
could have murdered the coachman, but
suppose l should not blame him. And do
You know, my wife heard the conversation
with the coachnan, and she just rolled and
laughed, and vhen l came to bed she said,
Touch not, taste not, handle not, look not
upon the Scotch whisky when it is hot, for at
last you can't find the key-hole, and you
can't get your boots off, And then she
asked me if l hadn't Just as soon hang my
plug hat up on the floor, because it would get
all mussed up if slept with it on. Bless me
if hadn't forgot to take my hat of, the first
time ever cut such caper in my life. Then
l tried to laugh, and you know how silly
man looks when he tries to laugh a forced
laugh, and he feels more like cryingl
well, my wife kept poking fun at me till
got to sleep, and dreamed l was one Of
those distillery worms that they rectify
spirits through, and in the morning found
that had my vest on. | think my wife put
that vest on me just to have fun l asked
her if she actually thought l drink, and
while she knows did not, she said she only
judged from appearances. l was going to
go and hang myself, but l thought if did
the papers would say had committed sui
eide after a long debauch, from re-
morse at my conduct, 80 l didn't
Boys, l would give all 1 am
worth If my face could be ss pale as some OF
you drunkards who are full all the time
What would YOU advise to me do" and the
poor, red-faced blonde sighed and drank
glass of mineral water.
One of the boys advised him to use face
powder, another suggested joining tenn
perance lodge, and the others were about
giving advice when the temperance mar
rushed out of the saloon suddenly, ran over
woman who was passing and was arrested by
policeman for being drunk and disorderly.
Cinnamon at IA Sparrow Fight.
philadelphia Times.l .
Chong Wah keeps o Chinese store ON North
Ninth street, and Bun Sun Low has little
tin sign out over the side door announcing
that there is Chinese restaurant inside. Tbs
store is simply blind, and the restaurant Is
only run as a cover to the real business OF
the place, which is one Of the most complete
Chinese sporting house in the United States.
The gambling-room on the first floor back,
was cleared of all furniture, and about
seventy-five Cinnamon crowded about an
old extension table turned upside down, with
the legs sawed off. The atmosphere was
sitting.
W neu Dun Gun Low uuu8eu us way
through the crowd to the sparrow-pit he had
bird in each hand Their wings were cut
and their tails were cropped close. Their
bills were almost white where they had been
sandpapered to make their little beaks as
sharp as needles point The Mongolian
spectators watched the birds and Bun Sun
Low closely. One of the sparrows had lit
tie piece OF red ribbon wrapped around its
leg to distinguish it from the other. Hop
Chung Lung who is one of the silent part
ners of the gambling house, then sized up
the birds with sporting mans eye, and Of
fered TO bet 10 "plunks" dollars that the
bird with red ribbon on its right leg would
kill the other. There were no takers
until Bun Sun Low had dropped the birds in
the pit The moment this was done the
sparrow that had no ribbon on it plunged at
the other and pecked mouthful of feathers
out of its head. This caused chuckle all
around, and Charlie Lee, the Tenth street
laundryman, covered Hop Chung Lungs 10
"plunks." This added fresh excitement to
the fight The bird with the red leg was