The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-12-24
HUMOR.

A DUCK of q man generally makes
goose of q husband.
IRIS q cold day when q henpecked
man is not In hot water.
BILLIARDS must be an easy game, for
it's mostly done on cushions. Stockton
Marerick.
@WHAr is your idea of love, Mr.. Sim
nick?v @Ihree meals day, and well
cooked. Chicago Ledger.
flows Mr.. TUFFANUFF this morning,
doctor?" well, sir, replied the doc
tor, with sigh; terribly well, terribly
well"
A BosToN man whose wife has run
away with a drummer has sworn
solemn oath to kill the scoundrel on
sight-if he brings her back again.
The young man who expectorates
tobacco Juice on the kitchen floor
mustn't expect to rate first class in the.
estimation of the pretty cook.-MaU-
erick.
A pIous citizen of Buffalo proposes
to chain a Bible to each telephone in
the country, so that while waiting for
replies the telephoners will have some
thing to read of nature to repress
profanity.
THOSE ExTRAvAGANT GIRLS.
The elephant they went TO view.
And TO paint with red the town,
And they talked Of the pretty girls they knew
AS they poured the whisky down;
And one said grayely To his chum:
1T gives me great distress
To think young ladies will chew gum
And spend so much for dress.
Boston Courier
Il AM surprised, sir" Numbered the
President, as he caught the Cashier go
ing through the safe one night. so am
/" said the Cashier. Il thought you
were the burglar hired to blow up the
safe after I'd got through. "-Worcester
Gazette.
CHARLEY MANHATTAN-"I thought
that Shakespeare wrote Charles the
First" Miss Arlington-"But, you
know, Shakespeare died so many years
before Charles the First was born that
-" Mr.. G.. NO, yes, but Shaks-
peare is full of anachronisms. Life.
II DON'T care if our dog did whip
yours!" said an angry little girl to a
playmate. "Your dog is a sneaking
little thing, anyhow" Il don't care"
sobbed the owner of the sneaking dog.
Il guess your dog shocked first
Youths Companion.
as WAsHINGToN's birthday observed
in Texas" asked a New Yorker who
was visiting San Antonio. observed"
exclaimed the astonished native "why,
it's venerated. 1t takes four carloads
of beer to fill the demand on that
sacred day. "-Teras Sitings.
ONE of a half column of valuable
Hints" says that insects that get into
the ear may be dislodged by lying on
the other side and pouring water into
that ear" If that doesn't cause the
insect to vacate, try boiling oil or
molten lead. There are more ways
than one to discourage an insect in the
ear. -Norristolcn Herald.
at requires more true heroism for q
young man to doff his frock-coat before
lot of maidens when there is large
patch in the rear of his pants than to
face the lannon's mouth, says Written
up, whose long experience in the news
paper business and in the army is sat
isfactory evidence to us that he is good
authority on the subject. Maverick.
THE QUEEN OF SPADES.
A tescher, all goodness and smiles,
Asked who il was travelled for miles,
And Toasted her eyes
On Solomon wise
And his wealth it lay in great piles.
The teacher believed much in aids
To help people up the steep grades;
SO he said You guess
1t begins with an IS.
And little boy said Queen of Spades!S
Columbus Dispatch.
SCARE ME AGAIN.
/ scared you so? 1 am sorry, but what
Was fellow to do when you looked just so.
With your blue eyes tender, your sweet voice
low?
Yes, tbs true forgot
You tempted me. Don't deny it, How so?
You are laughing mt me-oh take care, take
You still lead on You're n fiirt swear,
Yes you are, as you know.
Well, I'm going. Angry? Oh no but then
m sorry you're scared by kiss to-day,
And beg your pardon. What's that you say
PLEASE To scare YOU again
Florence ". King, an Boston Courier.
Miss CLARA Ito young Featherly)-
Mamma and l were discussing GER
tain rule of table etiquette just before
you came in, Mr.. Featherly. Mamma
thinks 1T is perfectly proper to take the
last piece of bread on the plate, while
1 contend that to do so is violating q
rule almost as fixed as the laws of the
Modes and Persians. You must decide
for us, Mr. Featherly." Mamma-"Yes,
Mr.. Featherly, please do" Mr.. Feath-
erly-" Well-er-really, ladies, you
place me in a somewhat embarrassing
position. You see, / am only slightly
acquainted with the Meades, and I've
never even met the Persians. "-Ne,o
York Times.
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ARCHER American Tenor.
Proud Mother-Do you know, dear,