The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1885-05-01
BEING A WOMAN.
soms OF the Trials and Tribulations ofths
Pair 8ex.

Pair 8ex.
Revised by q #oman for tho Lowell Times.
1t is dreadful bother to be woman and do
the bnsiness up in good shape. In tho frs
place, you've goa 10 look we'll, or else you're
nobody. A man may be ever 80 homely and
still be popular Whiskers cover tip tho most
u his faeo .nd II he has . big mouth nobody
mistrusts it, af.d ~ he docs wrinkle bad Oh his
forehead his friends speak Of his many cares
and Of his thoughtful disposition, aud tell each
other that his wrinkles are lines of thought
Lines Of thought, indeed, when in all proba-
biity his forehead is wrinkled by tho bad habit
be has got Of scowling at his wife whom the
coffee isn't strong enough.
A woman must always bo in good order
Her hair must always be frizzed and bangsd a.
fashion, demands, and she must powder if she
has q shiniiig shin, aild she must manage to
look sweet, no matter how s8hf she may feel; hel
dress must hang just so, and her boot buttont
sa' a ond IN .hs nsn nfas Tc H.s 1T,t c
fences, nor stone cate; nor scold when she's
mad. :,
She can't go out alone, because ladies' fnosi
l,e protected; she can't 90 anywhere when il
rains, bcca,se her hair won't stay frizzcd and
she'll getmud on her pctticoats and things; she
their sscret End everybody would know all
about tho goat and gridir6n: she can't smoke,
hecause that would be unfeminine; che can't
go couitits, because that would be unwoman.
ly. But she must get married before she is q,
or everybody will feel wronsed. People will
"dont seem to take;n and all tho old maids
and widows snlilo and keep quiet Oh, these
smiles and these Significant ]roksE They ara
ten times more than open slanders
1t il 8 terrible thing to bo an old maid.
Everybody knows it is, and tho women who
arc married to drunken husbands, and who
manage tO quarre with them six days out Of
seven, will live III I'm agony Of spirit over the
single woman and call or that poor old maid.
A woman must marry rich, or she doesn't
marry vel" And to marry ''welr' Is the
end and aim Of q ~uman's. existence, Judging
this matter 1t is eyery6ody's BUSINESS whom
o woman marries. Tho whole neighborhood
put their heads together and talk over the pros
and CONS, and decide whether she il good
enough for him There is nothing said about
his being good enough for hcr) And they
anecdoto: h"w lazy her grandfather was, snd
how her Aunt sally usetl to sell beans and but
termilk A woman must Werr No. 9 boots on
No 3 feet, and she mnst manage to dfces well
on Is cents o week, and she mustn't bo vain;
and she iifttst le kind to the poor, and she
meetings, and o ready IL dress dolls and
make tides and aprons for chtsrel, fairs.
Hl,e must he good cook, and must be able 70
edo up" her husbands shirts 30 that the Chin
$50 washernlan would groan with envy and
gnash his teeth with tho same unholy passion
at sight of tileiIi.
She must always have the filsseti1ins buttons
Of the family sewed on 70 they will never
come off while Id tlse, and size must keep the
family hosiery go that nobddt %ehild ever n.is-
trust there wcro toes in tho stockings willis
they acro on She must hold herself in con-
slant readiness to ili!d everything her husband
has lost-and q man never knows whore to
f'nd anything. He will put his boots carefully
away oi the parl?r sofa, and when he has
hunted for them half an hour he will suddenly
appear to his wife with cotlntcnance like an
avcnging angel and demand, What in thunder
has she done with his boots" She must shut
all tho doors aftea her lord and master, and
likewise tho bureau drawsfsj for a married
man was never known to shut drawer. 1t
would be az unnatural for hen to 60 In
swimming for recreation.
Sho must 20 to bed first In cold weather so
as to get the bed warm Her husband, il he
I've wise man, never asks her to do tllie. Oh,
paper" and waits till she has got the sheets to
comfortable temperature. All, there are .
great many tricks in the trade of living to.
gether. woman is expected to take care of
the baby even after the first infantle wonder
has multiplied into a ronnd half dozen. And
if he doubles up with the collie or trials of cut
tifIg teeth or the necessary evil of mumps, or
measles or whooping cough and scarlet fever
and rash and throat distemper and short
sleeves and bare logs and pins sticking into
linn, and too much candy and . bad temper,
why her husband tells her that he ''does wish
she would try and quist tho baby" and says
it too as if he thought she alone was RESPONSE
BILE for its being in existence, and ss if she was
considerably to blame for it too.
And whom she has the headache nobody
thinks Of minding it-a womans always hav-
ing the headache. And if she is ''nervou,
enough to fly" nobody shuts the door any
quieter, and nobody tucks her on the lounge
with shawl over her, or coddles her to dealt
as man has to be coddled under such cir.
cumstances.
Wemight go on indefinitely with the trouble.
Of being woman. and II there is man who
thinks woman has an easy time Of it, why,
just let him pin on pound of false hair and
got inside pair Of corsets, and put on pull
back overskirt, and be . woman himself and
see how he likes it