The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-09-24

state OF confusion. he doesn't nccessari-
ly die, but he ends his daze. - Teras
Svfings.
IT is well enough to lead, but surely
those who lead worthless lives are idiots
when they can just as easy follow good
examples. Barbers' Gazette.
In the gods ever interpose IN behalf
of suffering humanity, it seems little
remarkable that a baldheaded man
should be overlooked in fly time.--
Chicago Ledger.
A MEDICAL journal asserts that the
application of hot water will prevent
fainting. That's it; that's, it exactly
This explains why men seldom faint.
Their wives keep them in hot water
NelCman Independent.
WELL" said one irate Whitehaller
to. another, "the only trouble with you
is that you run everything with a big
L." THAT'S better than you do" was
the reply, "for you run everything with
a big owe. - Whitehall Times.
RINK, RINK, RoLLNGLy.
Only girl with golden hair.
Only OF roller skate a pair.
Only two tiny feet In afr.
Only softly whispered swear.
-Brooklyn Times.
WHAT can have happened to Jones?
His poor young wife must feel awfully.
He is battered up until he is almost
unacceptable. Was it dynamite, q
steamboat explosion, or what?" ooh,
no. He only happened to mention his
mothers cooking. st Paul Herald.
THE tailor who will invent pair of
pants which will not rip and tear and
swear when the young man inside of
them happens to convert himself into q
pile driver as he is sitting down on the
skating rink floor, has big future in
front of him-if he intends to collect
his own bills.-FaU RiUer Aduance.
A THEATRICAL manager says the word
drama is pronounced in about twenty
five different ways. A bar-keeper mo-
tees that the word dram has alsosa
variety of changes in the pronuncia-
ton. 1t is sometimes dram, sometimes
horn, occasionally snifter, then again
geezer, not infrequently eye-opener,
settler, hooker, and so on, al mimi
tatm.-Boston Courier.
A RECIPE in journal devoted to
| good eating, tells show to eat an oys-
ter" 1t appears that for eighteen hun
! bred years people have been coming
into this world and going out of it
without knowing how to eat an oyster.
Many people are worried to know how
to get the oyster-and to be unable to
know how to eat it after it is obtained
is pretty rough. -NorristoiCn Herald.
FIRST small boy: "What does your
pap do for living?" Second small
boy (from New York;: "AIy pap's a
great man, lie is. He is an ofceholder"
What's his office. then?" Hes a
building Inspector" I'D think that
would be awful dangerous, going
around unsafe buildings" 90, no. He
| don't go near 'em till after they fall
down. "-Philadelphie Cal.
"MR. BLUNT, they tell me you have
| discovered an infallible method of cur
ing hen of setting" Il have, sir. 1
kill and eat 'em. That cures the set
ting business, don't it?" "Not so sure
of that. Mr.. Blunt" "Ain't, amt you?
You must have an ungodly notion that
hen can set after it's dead" $50 it
can. An old hen, let me tell you, is
apt to set pretty blamed heavy on the
stomach. '-Yonkers Gazette.
POOLING WITH THE PHONE.
Strange sounds come floating to my ear,
Sounds with meaning all unknown,
Sometimes but murmurs soft and low
That ere they ierce my ear have flown.
hear loud curses mixed with songs,
L hear tho low RS signing tone.
Like zephyrs nom the south they come.
sometimes sob comes, or groan-
cannot tell what mean these sounds,
These curses, sghngs, songs. and groans.
i simply draw my pay each week.
I'm Central fooling with the phones.
Minneapolis tribune.
AN ignorant man who had made
some money got caught in the hard
times and went under. The circum-
stances were such that some legal in
quiry was made, and he was put on the
witness stand. After several inquiries
the court asked: "You are no longer
in business?" mo, SIR" "You owe
considerable money!" "Yes, sir" "Are
you solvent?" "Of course L amt I'm
busted higher'n they hung Hayman.
Do you take me for q thief ?"-Mer-
chant Traveller.
SAND what's the matter with you, my
good fellow" said DIR. Merriwhistle to
sallow-faced man who stood before
him asking treatment. @My circulation
is awful poor, Doctor" said the man,
in feeble voice. "My feet are cold all
the time, and my blood don't seem to
move at ALL" "You must start news
paper, my good sir, and don't waste any
time in setting about it. never knew
an editor in the whole course of my life
who didn't have a splendid circulation.
Try it and be happy Chicago
Ledger.