Daily Republican. [volume] ([Wilmington, Del.]) 1874-1890, 1885-09-30

An Irishman. recently landed entered
barber shop In Jersey City for .
shave. After the barber was through,
he asked the customary question
Have bay rum, sir ?" NJ, sor; the
fact is, sor, I've just had q glass of beer
an don't like mixin' drinks"
Hes TOO blamed stingy to die" "Oh,
pshawi how do you make that out ?''
He only keeps alive to save funeral
expenses. You're too hard on him
altogether" Well, you Just offer to
bury him at your own expense, and
ses II 1t don't kill him with joy"
Tralpp-"My colored friend, please
lend me a quarter. l fought, bled and
to make you free man." Colored
gentleman-"You did your duty, sab /;
but bout loaninR yon dat quarter,
don t keer to revive de bitter memories
OBJ de war"
Dainty Dude" Melinda, how did
you like my serenade last night ?"
Melinda" didn't likeyour position.
"My position? My attitude, you
weren't far enough away for me not to
hcoh yOui obn yoh WctOh OlObO
for me to seald you"
"What does your husband do 2"
asked the census man. "He amt dom
nothin' ut this time of the year." said
the young wife. els he pauper 2"
asked the census man. Understanding
him to say "papa," Law, no" she
exclaimed, somewhat ndignantly; we
amt been married more'n six weeks. :"
There Is such thing Is being smoth.
cred In honey. A Kansas man recently
drew big prize In lottery, and the
very same day his wife had twins-both
boys-his mother-in law was struck by
lightning while In transit to pay him q
visit, and man who had owed him
nine dollars for ten years sent along the
money.
Boston girl Ito Uncle James, q
Ifarmer)-" Do you like living on .
| farm, Uncle James 2" Uncle James
Yes. 1 like 1t very much" Boston
girl" suppose 1t is nice enough In
| the glad summer time, but TO 60 out
| in the cold and snow to gather winter
apples and harvest winter wheat. L
imagine 1t might be anything bat
pleasant"
Freddy went to Sunday school. He
| was IL the infant class. One day his
father asked him. How Is this,
Freddy ? You have been going to Sun :
| day &C hool for some time, and have
never yet brought home q good ticket.
i am really ashamed Of you" "Pspa,"
| said the little culprit, swelling up like
a toad, "I-I'll bring home good
ticket next Sunday, fit have to
hook IL u"
"What kind of man Is he? Good,
bad, or Indifferent ." Well, that de-
ponds good deal on who teeters on the
other end of the plank with him."
"How sc, sir?" "Well, II you size
| up alongside Of Judas lscariot, he looms
up middlin' fair but when you come
to set him down between such fullers
as you an me, judge, he does dwindle
terrible sUrprisin'-he does, for fact"
"I Wish, mamma" said little Johnny
Fizzletop, that lived in South Afri-
CO." "Why, my SOD, do you wish you
lived In Sonth Africs?' "Why, the
mammas down there don't wear any
slippers. VOC know" Eyes, my son,
but you must also remember that the
little boys In South Africa do not wear
any pants either" "That's 3d." said
johnny tits queer l never thought
IAnyLninB ABOUT tnAt.
Sister" inquired a little Boston
boy, what is rodent'?" d" 1t is An
animal that gnsws-as a rat, for in
stance. When referring to q rat or
mouse. 1t Is better to say rodent
1t indicates a cultured taste in the selec.
ton of words" Just then a mouse
scampered across the room, and the
cultured sister, with a wild yell OF
rats |" sprang to the top Of the parlor
| table.
Fanny, you should not beat your
doll with that heavy stick. You will
make all the sawdust come out OF il, I"
said a mother to her little girl, who
had placed her doll on the ground and
was belaboring it with baseball bat.
" don't care If all the sawdust does
come out of her." replied Fanny 81
lden't W ant people to say that my chill
dren turned out bad because l hupored
them too much"
"Do l love George" unused Clara.
softly, or ia 1t simply a sisters affsc.
| ton that / feel for" Just then
Bobby burst noisily into the room and
in terrlpted her sweet meditations.
" Get out of here. you little brat!" she
shouted, aud Selling him by the arm she
shot him through the door. "Ah, mo" she
sighed as she assumed her interrupted
train of thought, my love for George
Is not q sisters love. 1t Is something
sweeter, higher and holier.
A business man was cleaning out his
desk the other day and tearing up old
letters, when the colored porter, who
was In the office. spoke up and said:
Boss, gimme one oh dem letters.
What do you want 1t for?" " I
promised TO send letter to my old
tuammy In Norf Car lima, but as l
Ihasn't learned to write yit, can jess
1 send her one OBJ dem letters you hain't
got no use for; hit will make her feel
IRood, hit will" The gentleman gave
| the Gffeotionate son . patent medicine,
anti tat oircular, which was duly
mailed and addressed.
:" Here comes fhe mustard. plaster, I"
said AN Evansville dry goods clerk to
another as a lady with a sharp nose and
a business-like air vsltzed into the store
and proceeded to tumble over big pile
OF goods. "What funny nane," said
Ia customer, who was standing by.
4" Why do you call her muAtarG plas.
ter 2" " Simply because she gets In
front OF the cOanter and buys nothing,
and asks so many questions that she Dr.
ritates the poor clerk who Is waiting On
Iher." az How does that make her q
mustard. plaster 2" " Because she Is q
counter irritant."
Il