The Penn's Grove record., 1885-08-08

~ oAA eA -
nothing.
HONORABLE MEMBER OF CONGRESS-
Show do you do, Jones2" Did you
get those bound copies of the Congress
slonaL Record l sent your
Jones-"Yes: very much obliged.
My little daughters were very much
pleased with them"
Little daughters much pleased
You don't mean to say they can under
stand such matter as that?"
"Oh. no. They used them for scrap
books"
"SAY, Darringer, I'm going to quit
waiting on Miss Basset."
"Why2"
''Oh, because 1 can't get a word out
of her. It's plaguey awkward to spend
the evenings In that way.
"Perhaps she has the old proverb IN
her favor: Speech is silver; silence Is
gold.'"
''Then, Darringer, I'll stick to her,
for she must be immensely rich.
The other day old Dave received u
telegram from q man down in the coun-
try who wanted him to come down
and clean ont his we'll. After some one
read the dispatch to the old man ha
said: Ode Lawd hab mussy on SIGH t
man as L Is. Gettin more 'portan'
cherry Cay. Got a letter yestiday, On
now Use dun got a 'spach. Uh, huhl
When da KANT reach me wild n post
Office da stretches arter me wild de
tnlygraph wires.''
WELL, how is your brother doing in
st. LOUISE" asked the first. as he halted
a moment at the door OF a business
house on the Bowery. "Vheil, he
doan' fail yet" ''Seems to be doing a
good business?" "Seems dot vhay."
''Well, l hope he'll do 6~rst-rate." 81
hope so, too, but l dunno. He has
been dere tree months and doan' fail
yet, und / cant exactly make out what
he means. Six weeks vhas blenty of
time TO bust oop in a blaze like st.
Louis, und pay ten cents on der dollar.
81 WOULD like to get a certificate OF
INSANITY" said a man to the asylum
commissioners. "Whom do you want
it for2" "Myself." "Are you i~nsane?'
CRAZY as a chinch." ''Aud you want
aomittance into the asylum" Eyes,
SIR" "What evidence can you give us
of your insanity" Evidence you can
not dispute. l read q three-column
article on the tariff" Go to the
asylum and tell the keeper. He'll admit
you. In positive cases certificates are
not necessary"
I WISH / was ON a desert island" ex-
claimed Mrs. A., who had been annoyed
by gossiplng neighbors; 81 wish l was
on a desert island where there wouldn't
be anybody to talk about you" But,
my dear, replied Mr., A., 'you must
remember that there wouldn't be any
body to talk about, either" Mrs. A.
said she hadn't thought of that. and
cor cluded that a desert island might
not be SO pleasant, after all.
my son Wlllylm," said a fond
mother, ''useter be pretty wild as a boy,
but since he went West he's sorter
turned over q new leaf, and got steady.
He's getting along well, too, for l see
his name in the papers-they gay he's
been a road agent doirg a large bust
ness, and that his fellow citizens organ
ICED a necktie sociable in his honor
recently. 1 am so glad that Willylm's
up in the world"
WIGGINs -"Say, omidkins, that is a
dog of yours"
Smldkins- "Wonderfull Why2"
"Why, that dog came around my
yard yesterday and chewed up all the
iron he could find about the place.
"Oh, that's nothing. He bit clean
through the cheek OF a Chicago drum
mer the other day"
FIRST oRUsApER-'I say, Bill, let us
put up a nickle and seud out for a
schooner of beer between u.s."
Second crusader-"G)od for you,
Bob. We had better do it right now,
while we have got the money, for in the
nextact you know. we are captured by the
Sarscens, and have to pay a ransom of
$50, 900 EACH"
They call certain art daubs, that you
can neither make top nor tail of, Stud
ies," because it would take a years
study to find out what the painter tried
to do.
PAPA: according to this new stand
ard, Minnie, we must set the clock back
about four minutes. eh?' Minnie (stili
in the market): -Four mlnutesl Pat it
back lots, papa. Nothing less than ten
years can do me any goodl'
ACCORDING to the New York Times
there is a parasite that attacks the
brains of house flies and drives them
into lunacy and death. What we want
now is q parasite hat will paralyze a
mosquito just as he is about to begin
his phlebC tomIzing circus.
A CALVARY regiment may be composed
entirely of bachelors. yet it Is a bride
party.
St. Bernard Vegetable Pills.