The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1885-02-21

nation to sit down suddenly, owing to cir
cumstances over which they have no con
troll, are hereby informed that a cushion
with spiral spring, has been invented
which is warranted to throw them on their
feet again whenever the fleshy portion OF
the anatomy meets the floor, in italics, as il
were. The inventor is bound to make q
fortune out of this useful article.
The Utica NetcS man gets on his ear with
very little provocation. The GosspER last
week said that he spelled it "Oscosh," and
the NerS shook with anger from pillar to
foundation stone. In the absence of any
reliable data at hand as to a rebuttal, he
may be star of the first magnitude in that
galaxy of great names which paint the lit
erary horizon with a glowing crimson.
Mr.. Wilson may be all this, with the usual
accompaniment, but his method of spell.
ing is too far in advance of this age for
newspaper men Of common intellect to fol-
low, Here are few samples taken from
the latest edition of his paper; "Deslgnes-
warrented-Quebeck- sjig-literay dep,
ounselled-dehanee - cromo-
pannel-improvice-osciliates valuble-
relesed-Cleveand-comunity- theivish-
sillica-pulverised," &c, &c. As before
remarked, MIR. W. may be grammatical
athlete and fully competent to wrestle
Greco Roman, collar.and elbow, or catch.
ascatchcan with the toughest sentences,
but he'll have all his front teeth lost before
he can present sufficient evidence to the
court that he is good speller. With the
exception of getting mad when there is no
cause, this is his biggest fault.
***
Something is wrong with the La Sale
Dem-Press. The last issue of that paper
contained no reference to the fact that its
editor had once been soldier.
x =
~ wish the snow was gone" said one of
our fashionable young men the other eve
ming as he lazily pulled cigar near the
comfortable fire in the reading room of
the Clifton Hotel. He threw one leg across
the other and going into more details add.
ed; 81 have been sleighriding so much
hat my arms are tired out and one of my
nearly worn threadbare."
=.
The c. B. & Q. has promulgated an order
o the effect that any of its employees must
lot enter places where intoxicating liquors
IRE sold, under penalty of discharge. This
'rder is particularly tough on conductors
Who are color blind and cannot distinguish
he difference between saloon and
house.
According to his paper, the ghost of
Nike McGrath appeared to Kendig one
hight recently, and the cold sweat is oozing
trough every pore since, and his back
eeth rattle in their sockets when he thinks
4 the narrow escape he had. 1t would not
equire first-class spook to brighten the
elbow, as his celebrity in making tracks for
all timber and his ability to get there when
he occasion requires it are facts we'll known
o those who have attempted to outfoot him.
L takes an experienced runner to lasso
aim when he scents danger in the breeze
5e has not been seen on the streets after
lightfall since Mr. McGrath's ghost ap-
,eared to him. 1t would seem that shad-
'ws have an affinity for each other. 1t is
o be regretted that his ghostship was
aught in such bad company.
Various reports are in circulation regard.
ny those who were snowbound during the
asst big storm. The Sunday before the
blizzard set in was about such day as
would induce fellow to go to see his girl,
,ut the evening, as will be remembered,
urned cold, with furious snow. storm.
Advices from Streator and Mendoza go to
how that the young men who went out to
zee their charmers at their country resi-
Iences on that eventful afternoon had to
emain from one day to another, being cut
IF from all communication with the out
ide world. Wasn't it dreadful? The anx-
ETY. of one of those snowbound gallants
nay we'll be imagined when the head of
he house one morning after breakfast
allied him into the woodshed and asked
he city chap his intentions. The block
de had been raised, but the youth showed
10 signs of departing. The blooming ha-
el-eyed Hebe of the prairies had fallen
nextricably in love with the city chaps
hape, and the parents were not slow to
bserve that matters had to be brought to a
ocus. Coal and provisions were away up,
nd it was the fathers duty to interrogate
be young man, which he did with such
fleet that the daughter now wears an en-
,agement ring.