Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-12-23
Bill Nye Skating.

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me. That is the reason why / also
now state in a public manner to lost
and undone race that unless the roller
rink is at once abolished the whole
civilized race will at once be plunged
into arnica.
I had tried it once before. but had
not carried my experiments to sue
cessful termination. l made a trip
around the rink last August, but was
ruled out by the judges for incompe-
tency, and advised to skate among
people who were hostile to the Gov
ernment of the United States, while
the proprietors repaired the rink.
On the 9th Of September l nestled
in the bosom Of a cyclone to excess,
and it has required the bulk of the
succeeding months for nature to glue
the bones of my legs together in prop
er shape. That is the reason have
not given the attention to roller skat-
ing that / should.
A few weeks ago l read what Mr..
Talmage said about the great National
vice. 1t was his opinion that if we
skated in a proper spirit we could
leave the rink each evening with our
immortal souls in good shape.
Somehow it got out on Thursday
evening l would undertake the feat of
skating three rounds in three hours
with no protection to my scruples, for
one-half of the gate money, Talmage
rules. So there was quite large
audience present with opera glasses.
Some had umbrellas, especially on
the front rows. These were worn
spread, in order to ward off fragments
of the rink which might become dis
engaged and set in motion by atmos-
pheric disturbance.
In obedience to a wild Wagnerian
snort from the orchestra ! came forth
into the arena with my skates in
hand. l feel perfectly at home be-
fore an audience when 1 have my
skates in hand. 1t is a morbid desire
to wear the skates on my feet that has
always been bette noife. Will the
Office boy please give me a brass
check for that word so that l can get
it in when go away?
My first thoughts after getting my
self secured to the skates was this L:
Gam l in the proper frame of mind +?
Am doing this in the right spirit
Am about to skate in such a way as
to lift the fog of unbelief which now
envelopes a sinful world, or shall I
deepen the obaque night in which my
race is wrapped"
Just then that end Of the rink
erupted in a manner so forthwith and
so tout ensemble that l had to push
it back in place with my person. l
never saw anything done with less de-
lay or less laDguor.
The audience went wild with en-
thusiasm, and l responded to the en-
core by writing my name in the air
with my skates.
This closed the first seance, and my
trainer took me in the dressing room
to attend consultation of physicians.
After the rink carpenters had lacked
up the floor little 1 went out again.
1 had no fears about my ability to
perform the mechanical part assigned
me, but was still worried over the
question whether it would not be of
lasting benefit to mankind.
Those who have closely scrutinized
my frame in repose have admitted
that l am fearfully and wonderfully
made. Students of the human frame
say that they never saw such wealth
Of looseness and limberness lavished
upon one person. They claim that
nature bestowed upon me the hinges
and joints intended for whole fami-
ly, and therefore when / skate the air
seems to be perfectly lurid with limbs.
/ presume that this is true, though 1
have so little leisure while skating in
which to observe the method itself,
the plot or animus of the thing as it
were, that my opinion would be of
little value to the scientist.
am led to believe that the role
skate is certainly great civilizer and
wonderful leveler of mankind. If
we so skate that when the summons
comes to seek our ward in the general
hospital, where each shall heal his
busted cuticle within the walls where
rinkists squirm, we 60 not like the
moral wreck, morally paralyzed, but
like hired man taking his medicine,
and so forth-we may skate with per-
feet impunity, or any one else to whom
we may be properly introduced by our
cook.