The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1885-11-21
A Fashionable Woman.
benjamin Nothrop

"Heaven help the husband of fash
ionable woman! The feminine love Of
finery has ruined many a good man. u
1t is almost needless to say that the
author of this sterling string of subli-
mated 1apdoodle is our esteemed friend
and eminent yokel, Lysander Latham.
So heaven has your gracious permis-
sion to help the husband of fashiona.
BILE woman, has it, Lysander2
Well, this assistance will never be in
voked in your behalf, my calf-skin-
booted, raw bone handed friend.
You never married a fashionable wo-
man.
No, sir.
fashionable woman, Lysander would
never marry you.
She couldn't do it.
That wouldn't be fashionable.
No, Lysander; be frank, now, and
own {. yIa up Ip, that your acquaintance with
the Podunk Fashion Emporium.
Or, perhaps, Lysander, you may have
obtained an idea of fashionable women
from walking through some of the streets
of this city, if you have ever been that
far away from home. You may have
noticed some women most gorgeously
arrayed in the loudest patterns, wearing
the fashiest jewelry.
They are not fashionable, Lysander,
and you waste your sympathy for their
husbands.
They haven't any.
The really fashionable woman, Ly-
sander, dress inexpensively, tastefully,
neatly, and makes this gloomy old
world all the brighter for her being
here.
A fashionable woman can go into
your country store, Lysander, and with
a dollar and a half's worth of your
shelf-worn goods-for 1 know your
goods are shelf-worn goods; you never
sell anything but yourself-and make
a prettier dress than ever you imagined
if you know what that means, the stu
pid old lunkhead that you are.
How does Mrs. Latham dress, Ly'
sander?
Stop suffering, quit hanging YOU
freckled noddle, and answer me like {
a man if you can.
Calico, do 1 hear you say?
Yes, that is what supposed.
Mary was pretty girl when you mar
ried her, Lysander.
Yes, she was.
knew her long before you did.
She had cheeks like peach blossoms
hair like corn silk, and her form, Ly
sander, before she began keeping hous
for you, was as plump and round as
light brown muffin.
Now look at her.
No wonder you redden up to the root
of your shock hair.
Her cheeks are the color OF you
calfskin wallet.
Her eyes, which were once so brigh
they sparkled, are as heavy as the dys
peptic bread you love to eat.
The gold in her hair has tarnishe
and faded like the gilt on your watc
chain.
And her figure, Lysander, is shrunk
en-, and angular, and stoopshouldered
This comes of her not marrying fash
ionable man, Lysander.
This comes of her marrying you.
Bacon and eggs, and twenty cen
coffee, boiled potatoes and cabbages
calico, and you, Lysander, are respor
sible for this.
Now Mary is pretty no longer, an
questionable.
Her step has lost its swing, and he
colico gown hangs ungraceful from ne
sharp edged shoulders, and hugs to
closely her ribbed and bony frame.
No, she is not fashionable.
But does she fill what you call yor
idea of woman?
No, Lysander, no.
| When you go to the county fair whol
do you pay the most attention to-Mar
your wife, or pretty Jennie, the De-
cons daughter2
Jennie is the village bell, Jennie leat
the fashion, and, Lysander, Jenn
could lead you if you were worth lea(
ing.
No, Lysander, your minds affected
You're off your balance, you pa
grey donkey of all donkeys. Come G
and donk.