The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-06-12
VARIETIES.

Woman was the original "side ISSUE"
Eclipse of the son-A baby daughter.
1T is the hardware man who always calls
spade spade.
Elsie (seeing for the first time calf:)
ooh, mamma These must be the little COWS
that give condensed milk"
" niver was fond of work,
It's not gift of the Brady's;
But I'd have made an igant Turk,
Being found of tabacky and the ladies'"
Mickey Free, In Charles O1faley.
-"Yes," he said, "before marriage
thought could live on love. am now liv-
ing on my fatLer-inlaw."
IL can't say as he went to heaven" re-
marked Fort Scott citizen of deceased
townsman, "but he paid bill of eleven
years standing only the day before he died,
and you can judge for yourself"
"A banana skin lay on the grocers floor.
"What are you doing there?" asked the
scales, peeping over the edge of the counter.
ooh, Pm lying in wait for the grocer"
"Pshaw !" said the scales, I've been doing
that for years."
-"What does the minister say of our new
burying ground ?" asked Mrs. Hines of her
neighbor. HE don't like it at all he says he
will never be buried there as long as he
lives" SWELL" says Mrs. Hines, "if the
Lord spares my life, l will"
Papa, did mamma say yes to you right
off when you asked her to marry your"
Certainly she did" why don't she say
yes now just as quick when you ask her to
do things?" mammals hearing is not as
good now, darling-that's all"
--"Kitty, where's the frying pan Jon
nys got it, carting mud and oyster shells up
the alley, with the cat for horse" 1.-THE
dear little fellow what genius he will make;
but go and get it. We're going to have COM
pany, and must fry the fish for dinner"
Brother Ezckiel-"Helo, Brudder
Thomas Haint seed yo for so long since
you's been spliced ter that Johnsing's CURL.
Where yo been keepin' yo'self?" Brother
Thomas ain't been keepin' myself tall,
Brudder Ezekiel; Pse been libbin' wild my
tather.in-law."
-Kentuckian Cat hotel table)-"What's
in that air blue bowl, waiter?" Waiter
(placng finger bowl at his pate)-"Water,
sir" Kentuckian--"Well, you kin take it
away, and bring me little Bourbon, I've had
good dinner, and l wouldn't like 10 Spite it
drinkin' water"
Things one would rather have left I'M
said Miss Constance-"Tm so glad you
think I've improved in my playing of that
nocturne of yours, Herr Bemolski; hope
to be perfect in it next time we meet" Herr
B. (gallantly)-"Ach! Miss Concordance, l
hope We shall meet before Eat"
There was court-martial held on
young officer who had gone on spree and
had a fight in a bar.room. The liquor-seler
was brought before the court, and put into
the witness-box. The prisoner was placed
in full view.
WITNESS, do you recognize the prisoner"
eyes, yer honor, and most of the court"
AT the Police Court Accused, you are
blind?" Eyes, your honor" "How did you
become blind p "By fit of apopleXy."
"Why, then, this picture on your breast rep.
resentng an explosion in mine in which
you lost your sight ?" "Please, your Honor,
because to represent apoplexy painting is
powerless."
They were talking over an aged million
aire who has on several occasions given his
heirs high hopes-high hopes always dashed
by his recovery. "Curious how long the old
man lasts" says somebody, rehectively; "es-
pecially when you consider that for the last
ten years he has had one foot in the grave"
yes but then, you sec, every now aud then
ne changes the foot"
-"Got the 'phoby, have ye? Can't swa-
low any liquid, eh ?" observed Mrs. Milliss
TO her husband, who had refused water for
two days "Well, we'll see," and the good
woman drew the cork from the whisky bot
tie, and placed the nozzle to his mouth. Mil
liss's face emerged from lis gloom like full
moon from behind the cloud and gancing at
his wife with quizzical expression, he said,
"come to think of it, Jane, l don't believe
that dog had any teeth"
"A Western settler who supposed that he
had musical tastes went to the nearest town.
ship and purchased music stool, taking it
home with him in his lap. In the course of
a few days, however, he brought it back, and
demanded restitution Of the money paid, as
the stool was no good-no good at all. The
seller examined it, and said that it was in
perfect order, and the screw all right, and
therefore it should not be thrown back on
his hands. "Well," said the settler, 81 took
it home careful, as you could see for yourself;
and gave it turn, and every one of the
childred gave it a turn, and never a tune
could one and all of us screw out oft. It's
no more music stool than the four-legged
washing-stool the missus sets her tub on ?"