Bridgeton pioneer., 1885-12-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

A Sunday-school boy was asked bv
the superintendent if his father was a
Christian?
"Yes, sir" he replied, "but he is not
working at it much"
An Ohio man has invented a practi-
cal thinking-m 1t will be the
greatest boon for dudes since the in
vention of the sword-pointed shoe.-
Burlington Free ireSs.
A man never so forcibly feels the in
convenience OF being under-sized as
when his wife informs him that if he
had been two inches taller his old
trousers would have made two pairs
for his son.
A Presbyterian church at Carroll.
Ia, has the corners of it's auditorium
curtalned OIL and furnished with cradles
and rocking chairs for the convenience
OF mothers who are unable or unwilling
to leave their babies at home. Boston
Journal.
A lady teacher inquired of the mem
bers of a class of juveniles if any of
them could name the four seasons.
Instantly the chubby hand of a five
year old was raised, promptly came
the answer: Pepper, salt, vinegar,
and mustard"
John" said the schoolmaster, "you
will soon be q man, and will have to
do business-what do you suppose you
will do when you have to write letters,
unless you learn to spell bctter?"
''Oh, sir, replied john, II shall put
easy words in Them"
''Halloa, whore are you going with
that horse?" asked gentleman of q
splcious-looking man, whom he met
in Ballaghaderreen, on horseback.
'Well, | hain't a-going nowhere
with him." said the other, "but he is
going somewhere with me-"
A man having lost the key to his
safe, wasted three days trying to get it
open, without success.
Then he was adrot enough to oct
somebody to hint to his wife that let
ters from another woman to him were
in that safe, and in ten minutes she had
it open with crowbar.
Barber" said II farmer to his tom
sor, now corn's cheap you ought to
shave for half-prlce"
Cant. Mr.. JONES'" said the man of
razors. 81 ought really to charge
more; for when corn's down farmers
make such long faces that | have twice
the ground to 60 over.
Fritzchen: Mamma, don't want
to 60 to auntie's to-day, cause of NV
toothache" Mamma: NAY, but YOU
must 60, child. Auntie will be so
glad you have gone to see her in spite
of your pain. You know you can talk
to her a bit, though you have the tooth
ache!" Fritzchen: Eyes, but l can't
eatn'-Der Schalb
A Yorkshire man, wanting to buy a
stove, was looking over a stock in a
store in Warrington. The dealer, in
praising certain stove, said:
elf you buy one of these stoves, YOU
will save half the coal you would other
wise use.n
Faith" said the Yorkshireman,
''then I'd better take two stoves and
save all the COAL"
"Please help me little" said a
vagrant, poking his head into shop
IN Mallow.
"Why don't you help yourself?"
asked the proprietor.
''Thank you, l will" said the tramp,
picking up bottle of pickles and two
loaves of bread, and then vanishing.
The shopkeeper never advises anyone
to help himself since.
"What on earth makes you announce
that you extract teeth without pain?
Didn't | hear every patient you had up
here Yell"
You did, sir" replied the perpa-
tetic dentist "but those were shrieks
Of joy which they uttered, sir! They
were so delighted, sir, at being pain
lessly relieved that they could not re-
strain their enthusiasm"
Great as Daniel Webster was, there
must have been times when ne felt
that Mrs. Webster was the bigger per-
son OF the two. Some recent reminis-
cences OF the Sage of Marshfield reveal
the fact that it was not an uncommon
thing for him to take his son aside and
observe: FLETCHER, my boy, let us 90
to Franklin tomorrow. We'll have q
good time and leave the old lady at
home"