Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-05-28
WIT AND HUMoR.

VII AND HUMOh.
When was a lad used TO play
nItle ufaw-poker and the games OF the day.
shuiiied the cards with skillful hand.
And dtalt them as quick as any honest man.
summed ana dealt so careful-ee
That at last was wanted by the grand jur-ee.
Chorus.
We shuffied and dealt so careful-ee
mat we all were wanted by the grand jur-ee.
Paris Bacon.
A lesson in physics: Teacher-What
is velocity? Pupil Velocity is what a
man puts hot plate down with
FremdenJian.
A nurseryman says that the best
kind OF dogwood is the red-flowering.
Our experience is that clothes-pole is
the best, because it is light enough to
handle easily, and long enough to en-
able you to hit the dog at almost any
range.--Pack.
1.-The only thing to mar the pleasure
OF the occasion, wrote an Arizona ed
itor OF funeral, twas little difficult
ty between the clergyman and one of
the mourners concerning the owner
ship OF flask found in the carriage
they had occupied"
The Rev. Whangdoodle Baxter met
Jim Webster last Sunday. Webster
was intoxicated. You should nebber
get drunk on Sunday, Jeemes," said
the cleric. 81 nebber hab no money
lief ober on Monday ter get DRINK on,
as don't take up tho collecshuns on
Sunday. "-Teras SJtings.
The war in the Soudan has raised the
price of lions, and the unpleasantness
between England and Russia will put
premium on bears. The lookout for
poor people is growing blacker, but it
may afford them consolation to know
that war between all the European
nations would not increase the price of
dogs. Norristo,on Herald.
''See here, your. clerk has made a
mistake in putting up this prescription.
He has substituted arsenic for calomel.
I've good mind to report him to the
public authorities. y Il wouldn't do
that" protested the druggist. Don't
say anything about the matter, and if
he makes such mistake again I'll re-
duce his salary New York World
A description OF new newspaper es-
adjustment says: 1.-The first thing that
strikes the visitor upon entering the
editorial rooms is the large crystal
chandelier. Ii the visitor is poet.
and carries an lode to Spring" it is
safe to wager that the first thing that
strikes him is not the crystal chande-
lier. Not unless all the editors are alb
sent. - Norristomn Herald.
The Supreme Court of Pennsylvania
has decided that unless persons look
both ways in crossing railroad track
they cannot obtain damages for iniu-
ries they may receive. This gives cross
eyed people a decided advantage over
those who can see straight, and in some
measure mitigates the ailliction of be-
ing cross-eyed. Life is full of compen-
sations. - Boston Courier.
Baltimore is more like Troy than III is
like Albany. The Monumental City
has many pretty girls; ditto Troy. The
young Baltimore man who employed a
servant to hold girl while be kissed
her had proyocation. But nobody ever
heard of a man abstracting kiss from
an Albany girl without her consent.
Kissing in the town below is consider
ed an act of sacrifice on the part of the
man. Troy Press.
A company of Good Templars was
marching down the street with bands
playing and banner on which was in
scribed ave Bend the Knee, but Not
the Elbow" On the sidewalk was an
old soaker who read the inscription
with many 4 hiccough, and added, 80,
Il 81, 4, Int a
bow. That comes of this beastly habit
of drinking out of the bung." And the
procession moved on. Brooklyn Ea-
gle.
At ball at Folkestone the other day,
a yeomanry warrior, well known in the
saddle, replied to his partners inquiry
as to the hour. .'Weally my valet for
got to wind my watch last night In
few seconds after the young lady
closed her eyes, dropping, as it were, tc
sleep. "Are you yewy tired?" asked
he. "Oh, yes" answered the clever
girl, ''for my maid of all work forgot
to close my eyes last night. - English
Paper.
What did the sparrow do yestns-
day." asks the poetess. Well, dear,
we think he followed out his usual
scheme, which is to-get up at 4. a. m.
hop around in the cutters quarrel
with his neighbors-dig bait, not for
fishing, but for amusement-take a
bath In the puddle-quarrel the rest of
the day-and retire at about p. IN. If
you have any more curiosity as to what
he did you will have to apply some
where else, as this is all the informa-
ton we can give you. Boston Post.
you are doing nicely said tie
doctor encouragingly TO an old darky
patients; Il will call again tomorrow,
and will leave you this prescription
now to save you from pain in the in
tcrim." Then he went out ..Da's er
'scription dat de doctah lef'," said the
| patient fecbly to his wife, IAN | wan S
20 ter go to de drug sto' an git it fill
ed. Tell de drug sto' man dat it's 20
my interim, an be sho' an AK him eff
lse ter take it eternally, or jess rub it
on the outside, an ef so wha'. ~. Y.
Times.
colored gentleman appeared be-
| fore the Civil-Seryice Examining Board
in this city the other day and wished to
be examined for position as letter
carrier in the postal service. whats
your name, sir?' asked the examiner
Sambo gave the examiner his name.
age, place of residence, and his previous
| occupation. Now, Sambo, asked
the examiner, ''haye you ever studied
geography YES, sahr' said Sambo.
We'll, then, tell me how far it is from
Boston to Shanghai 20 God,
sab, replied Sambo in amazement,
you doan tend to put me on dat
route, does yer?n Boston Post
A man somewhere in Alabama call
ed upon an Episcopal rector and pro-
posed to join his church. The rector
proceeded to examine him, with view
to learning something of his religious
views and status. A few questions and