The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1885-01-09
HUMOROUS ITEMS,
e shoemaker's is a heeling art

a man may smile aud smile and be Pro-
hibitionist
Circuit tCourt-SReaking around the house
to avoid a dog
Mamma, why Is papa bald 80 - am his
fourth wife, darling"
Can any connection be shown between the
day rate of gold and the nitrate Of silver2
Ny bow is all unstrung," warbies q pO-
etess- Wonder If her beau had been out on
a racket?
New pIoverb for husbands Look after
your wife; never mind yourself, she'll look
after you.
"A train behind time" remarked Jones,
seeing an elderly maiden tricked out in full
flowing robes.
Women love to be loved. The only 10
tioeable thing about this fact is trat men en-
courage them in it,
Boston has a society which, instead OF
tracts, distributes 5 600 bushels of apples
annually among the poor.
\ commercial advertisement for "a man
to travel" was answered by tramp. He
said he was used to the business.
Weight for the wagon" observed the
farmer, as he helped his three hundred
pound wife to seat in the vehicle
Young lady being asked why the noun
bachelor is singular replied, because its
very singular they don't get married"
A man who saw an appariilon Of his de-
ceased wife, said he was not scared, but
sort of surprised, because he didn't sx-
pectre.
Four sisters named Carr were married at
Joliet recently, and the clergyman who per
formed the ceremonies is now called Carr
coupler.
The prince OF Wales is only forty three.
But if you count his age on tho darkrv's
plan, by the fun he's had, he's most three
hundred.
One man asked Of another why his beard
was brown and his bair white because ="
he said, zone is twenty years younger than
the other''
DE you have good drinking water here?''
asked stranger in Kentucky. Guess it's
pretty good, replied native, never seems
to hurt the horses nor cattle"
Society in Philadelphia is all torn up by
the question whether a lady should reeog-
nize gentleman while he Is having his
shoes blackened on a street corner.
A curiosity for the museums Is said 10
have been produced in Nebraska by cutting
of the ears of calf and quickly adjusting
pair which had been removed from a mule.
Texas boy please pa, may go to the
circus 2" Texas father: mo, my son, cir
cuses are very, very wicked, but be a good
boy and l will take you to the next lynch
ing"
An astronomer says that to travel the dis.
tance to the san at ordinary railroad rates
of fare would est over g., 500, 600. Persons
contemplating this trip should obtain ex-
cursion rates.
Onida says; a girls love must never be
begged, but conquered" That's all very
well, bu: how to suodue the thick-soled pa
rent Of the period is what's bothering our
yOuEg men now.
1t is not true that Santa Claus will not
put anything into a stocking IN which there
is a hole. Last Christmas one Of our sOcie-
ty bellies found darning needle and a ball
of yarn in hers.
Johnnie, what are you doing up stairs?''
said JOhnnie's ma, "Oh. nothin' much ma.
But sir, l want to know" "Ob, well,
then, I'm skinnin' a freckle to see what she
looks like inside"
When a you man courts and marries a
nice, mild-speaking and modest girl, who,
after marriage, turns sut to be a cross and
ugly tempered wife, it's something like fish
ing for bass and catching a toaddsh.
DO you know why you and George re-
mind me of two shades OF one colOI?'' ask
ed a yonng lady of a companion, who had
been engaged for good many years. "No, -
was the reply. "IIi tell you, then; it's be-
cause you don't match
/ Lime Kiln club: De man who seeks a
graveyard to post himself on de virtues Of
/ humanity will diskiver dat no pussen wild a
/ sin or fault has eber been laid away 10 rest
/ Dar an mo- hypocrisy on de face Of a dozen
gravestuns dan in de characters of a thou
sand lihbin' men.
''Ohi" exclaimed Miss GushIngton, II
just met Mrs. Monibags. She has returned
from Europe, and she has so much to say
that Is intensely entertaining" Miss Blunt:
Just from Europe, did you say ? Perhaps
she Is acquainted with our cook. She has
just come from there, 200.
There is boy in Springfield, Mass, who
is dropping himself all over the State BE
has left thumb at mis- grandmother's In Ss.
lem, two fingers with his uncle's moving
machine in Norbury. half foot at relatives
near Lowell, and three teeth in Boston.
That boy is going to take up good deal Of
T Lu6 angel NThDEEEl tlLue-
A long time ago a celebrated preacher
down in York State delivered discourse on
the text, He giveth His beloved Sleep
I Observing that a large number Of his hear
ers were nOdding their heads, he suddenly
stopped and said, Brethren, it is hard tc
realize the uubcunded love which the Lord
bss for large proportion of this congIega.
tion."
Now is the time 10 buy good Italian titles
A circular just received states that the title
Of prince can be bought for S25, 600 that OF
duke for $40, 600 that of count for s., 900
and that Of baron for 81 600. A special dis
count will be made to Americans who nav
wish to purchase whole set for family use
Most of the officials of the railways In
Mexico are Americans.
HAS he gone, dear?'' "Yes, grandma. >
And what was that sound in the hall. ,Jes-
sic 20 Why, it must have been the dool
shutting, grandma" Your grandma ma,
be old and deaf, Jessie, bat doors did no
shut with sound ike that when 1 was :
girl" lid the men wear mustaehes then
grandma ?" NO, my dear well. tina
makes difference probably"
Senator Joe brown is the ruling spirit q
large railroad in Georgia. He was bein,
hauled over it one day in his special ca
when the conductor came to him with Ion,
face and informed hin that drunken mar
was aboard, and he didn't know what 10 d,
with HIM "where does he wish to 60 -
asked the Senator, 10 his qDie., easy wav
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