Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1885-02-21
wit ana Humor.

McCuIloughg Grand View, Morris cOuynt.
VIII and Humors
A prominent lawyer now practicing in
New York City tells the following An
old darby was under Indictment for some
TRIVIAL Onense and was without counsel
The judge appointed me to defend him.
was young and very fresh at the time
and 1t was my first case in court. AsI
walked forward to consult with my client.
he turned to the judge and said: 'YO'
hOnah, am dis de LAWYER what am de-
pointed to offend meP Yes was the
answer. Well said the old darby, take
hit way. ledge, pleads guilty."
Customer left a pair Of shoes here
OF. ready, sir. Custom
er-HOw much Shoemaker 1
shan't charge you anything for that i; on
ly small job, you know. Customer
Thanks; but where are the heels2 ru
take them, please; they may be of some
use, you know, to you, if not to me.
''Waiter, hand me that William" said
q tramp seated in a restaurant. "Who's
dat, sah2" asked the dusky waiter with a
puzzled look. "That Willism-that ere
card pointing. ooh, de bill OBJ fare,
sir p Yes, that's it, only Pm not IA
miliar enough with it to call it Bill"
At dinner at the restaurant. "Have
another glass of Bergundy, old fellow?"
d" No, thanks; it's too expensive" or Too
expensive; don't understand" Yes,
it costs me on an average $50 francs for
repairs to my carriage every time drink
''That's a handsome suit you have on,
Gus remarked Gilhooly, admiring the
new Winter suit Of his friend. eyes. il
10 v-5rr
it cost2" 81 don't know. I've not been
sued for it yet"
The following is vouched for by q
brother editor, and, Notwithstanding his
general reputation for Veracity, is with
out doubt true. An elderly and we'll
known gentleman Of Boston, who, while
he likes to sit at the cornwall board, viii
not touch anything spirituOus, deyOting
all his attention to the Tactical fluid, was
invited out a few nights ago by a party
of choice spirits. A huge milk punch
had, however, been prepared for him,
and when he was asked what beverage
he would prefer, his reply was as usual:
"Wel, L guess III take q little milk"
The punch was brought, and all eyes
were turned toward him to note the
effect Raising the glass, he took a sip,
and then another; at the third, however,
he drained the tumbler, smacked his
lips, and looking lovingly at the glass,
observed: "Great Caesar what a COW /"
Boston Post:
On the st. Lawrence we once met a
poor Indian who had Just come out Of
prison. AmOre wOe-begOne and Wretched
looking man we never saw. He was as
limp as an old paper collar.
did they starve you IN prisonf"
"No."
ssDi6 tE,ay treat Won Will, ryra1tv ovar-
task you with labor, or torture you in the
dark CellP'
''NO; the great white cher did none of
these things"
''Then why this tortured look, and why
is my red brother so anguished2"
'-They made me wash myself UghW
Toronto Mail.
"a Chinese doctor at Victoria is said
to lose very few PATIENTS 1t is suspect
ed that the almOnd-eyed fraud never
gives any medicine.
''That miserable dog Of yours howls
all night long" eyes, know it; but
to make up for it, he doesn't play on the
piano all day long"
The local heather Chinee rather more
than holds his own in some respects,
and many of the children Of the better
class of MongOlians have attended school
to some purpose, despite the soCial-re-
strictiOn law under which they labor.
The other day a California street matrOn,
Just returned from a three years tour
abroad, advertised for a frst-class cook,
Whereupon an intelligent pigtal applied
for the position.
"Whatee you nance, John2" asked the
lady in that peculiar baby talk supposed
TO be adapted to infants and other
foreigners.
ttWan 90 -
you sabe Ioast tlurklee, Wan?" Iisped
the lady.
The Chinaman knit his brows and
shook his head.
"Oh Z dear me p said the tourist to her
imported maid, in what is known here
as Mills Seminary-and abroad as rest
aurant-French; "what am / TO dO2
can't make him understand"
sit is very unfortunate" said the
Chinaman, rehectiyely. 81 see you
don't speak French very well, and be-
sides that Chinese and English are the
only languages I know"
He was not engaged.-Sags Francisco
Post.
AS I was walking home one evening
last week from a theater was approach
ed by small beggar girl--a ragged little
thing of or 10 years. Please, mister,
rive me a dime" What fOr?" " For
1-bL4C D4Dg-4E1E IA 1A1u1A7s Lib l1---N-
in the most plaintive of tones. +" How
many have you gotP' "There are seven
of as, and mamma is sick" Seven
/ What on earth did she have so many
children for ?" This query I meant to be
a mental one, but the little thing thought
I was asking her. " Because she is blind ]"
I gave the required dime.-DetrOh Com
nlsrcj1L AdUerti8sr.
Protected by Horse.
/ LeaYenWorth Times.
A lady well advanced in years was
found recently wandering along the road