Wichita eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1883-1888, 1885-02-06
A HUGE Joke.

|
Many strange, wonderful, startling and
funny things transpire daily throughout our
great country as the readers Of the EAGLE
know, but this morning it.. is called upon to
chronicle the most ridiculous and absurd
proceeding upon the pages of history. |
OF all persons on earth. newspaper men
have always held undsputed possession Of
the medal for depleted exchequers and par
alyzed bank accounts and when it is said
that on Thursday night somebody attempt
ed to "hold-up" upon the highway one of
these sucked-oranges, the magnitude of the
joke is SO mammoth and the fact SO tetotally
preposterous that we fear to announce the
fact for fesr of causing our readers to go
into fatal commissions.
The pencil pushers on the EAGLE, like all
employees of morning paper are Nocturnal
animals and shuttle toward their straw shake
downs in the garnet at anywhere from to
o'clock in the morning. On the night in
question the sawed-off Faber manipulation OF
the "full-fedged" having wound up his little
ball of yarn for the next mornings issue,
buttoned his linen duster close around him,
took down with care from his gold-headed
peg in the blue room, his straw hat of 1880
spit on bis hands to keep them warm and
strodeforth at o'clock at night to court
the dizzy god that hovers over genius and
an empty stomach.
He was serene, he was happy, his mind
scared to the very heavens. lIe had learned
to skate during the afternoon with no more
scrious results than the loss Of tooth and
1 the breaking of an arm. Besides, the next
day was payday, and he would draw his
weeks salary-one dollar and a quarter
and with this he would make another pay
ment on the overshocs that he purchased
last winter, and would, heaven be praised,
get his monthly square meal. AT the juno
ton of Market street with Douglas avenue,
through his tears of joy, he sighted craft
coming toward him. All, ha, what
is it, Evidently n Schooner, as it
sways from one side of the pavement
to the other and gave signs of having a
cargo of benzine aboard. The poet of the
Arkansas valley did not hail it as is the Gus
tom, but poised himself to stear to the star
board as the stranger luffed to the north.
Vessels upon the boundless ocean sometimes
collide, and as the schooner upon this occa-
sion suddenly put her wheel hard and sud-
denly to about face, there were two loving
souls, there in front of the grocery store,
"peering "into eyes that spake again" and
then the picnic began.
The stranger was evidently bent on con-
quest, in fact q veritablc pirate, and at once
brought his guns to bear upon the poet.
: That is, he swung himself into position a la
Sullivan and shot forth with his right duke
with beautiful precision and great force.
All, ha, Here was business; here was a
contract for the great unwashed. He Was
perhaps to be robbed of the fifteen cents
that he wore in his slippers, something must
be done and that quickly. The iniquities OF
many years passed like flash through his
mind, he shut his eyes,said his prayers,threw
up his left arm (thc one be had broken al
the rink) and let drive with his right. He
then remembered that he was in great hur-
: ry and needed exercise badly and the way
5 the mud flew from under his bunion-covered
feet would put to blush the best efforts OF
Maud S. or any other S. When he reached
the middle of the street he threw q
startled glance over his shoulder
/, and saw the william in hot pursuit. Just
then the poet struck the treacherous street
car track, and was thrown sprawling full
length in the mud. Oh, agony! Down il
in the mire, his buster raped about biz
limbs and tied in a bow-knot, thus impeding
his efforts at gaining rectangular position
E and the demon sweeping down upon hin
with blood in his eye and at least an imagi
!, nary seventeen shooter in his hand. TIL,
l moments, yes, the fractions of instants wer'
agony, and the victim, who had evidently
been taken for meandering national bank
!, could feel his hair turning gray and his gig
card in his mouth MS. he paved the air-ant
t the mud-for the erect position of the lore
: of creation.
d Glory, Just as be imagined he felt thu
e imprint of pair Of No. 10 hob-nailed shoe
t on his pistol pocket and felt the cold lead o
: horse or Colts pistol in his back he realized
Il that his head was pointing toward the heav
e ems and hearing at that instant the hon
a eyed words of crowd coming down the
street from the ball at the opera house, h
. made grand rush. and turning the corner
was safe.
J Ifaword had passed at first an understanding
y could at once have been reached. The re-
. porter could and of course would have
u turned with pleasure his numerous pocket
= wrong side out, or had the thu.
IL have but inquired his profession
he would have passed him by
: in disgust as hopeless case of impecunios
J ity And thus it was ever that misunder
: standings make the bulk of the troubles o
= life. Fair warning is now given, however
: that the knights of the faber, though it be
+ ply steal impossiblity for them to be robbed
Is yet they do not care to be frightened to tn
: verge of lunacy and that henceforth the,
: will go armed with a shotgun on their shout
: der; two navy revolvers in their belt. der
: ringer in each vest pocket: razor in thei
y boot; cheese-knife in their mouth, and