davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25

"Wall, tn were quite q party from
the Holler gethered at Beverly G. s
Chris mas Eve to see the weddin'. Yc
member, boys, how in the Of times if
tn were feller 'roun' the clearin's ez
fell inter the habit O. hclpin' hisself to
his neighbours wood pile, an the neigh
Dor got to missin' his wood, it were
morc'n likely that the neighbor d find
out who were takin' it by jist borin'
holes in some nice big sticks, film
'em wi powder, pluggin' 'em up ag'in.
an then layin' 'em whar the feller'd
be sure to git 'em. If tn were any one
'roun' the peclin's ez didn't hev no roof
on his cabin mex mornin'. or were
short winder or two, or had his kitch-
en- fixin's mixed up 'roun' the floor, the
heft o evidence wcrc, that he were the
Teller, b'gosh, that the neighbor were
lookin' fur. Course We all member
that. Wall. OF Balaaln want to Bev-
erly G.'s weddin', an no more were
jimmy; but jist bout tho time the DOM
inie were hoOkin' Beverly an Bctsey
together OIL Balaam sneaked down to
Beverly's wood pile an played the OIL
time trick o. loadin' the back logs wi
powder. He loaded the ones ez they'd
be mOrc'n likely to use through the
evenin', an then sneaked back agin.
"l'll give EN- ablow-out they hain't
countin' on says he, 'durn Their or
nary picturs!'
''Thc dominic had got through with
the job, an everybody had smacked the
bride till they'd almost raised blister,
and the party had settled down to
gnashin' inter the passin's. which were
hung up, when Beverly went out and
brung in fresh log an slapped it on
the fire. Ev'rybody were havin' a
bully time, wen bang! went the new
log like cannon, an the next second
'twere scatterin" of itself 'roun' the
room uncommon permiscus. One toll
ably good-sized chip plucked inter little
Billy COTS bread-basket an doubled
him up like hoss-shoe. Another
chunk. ED give the GARNER a job if
it'd met anybody on its way, tore
'crosst the room an landed agin poor
Wilder Wigs Of clock, ez had stood
agin the wall fur fifty year an better,
an knocked it bottom up'a ards quick
er'n flash O. heat-lightnin'. Tn were
a heap O. screamin' an hollerin' fur a
minute or SO, an then it come to all
of 'em what were tho muss. an ev'ry-
body know'd who had morn likely
loaded the log. Three or four o. the
fcllers was fur postponin' furder
perceedin's till they went up an give
Of Balaam a dressin' out, but jis' then
the dominic picked up paper ez he'd
tumbled from ahind the clock, an
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25

Twin with her o gal named Betsey Fas-
sett. She had tuck Bctsey wen Bet
sey were thrcc-ycar Of, an were an
orphint on both her mothers an her
fathers side. Time the widder mar
Balaam an jimmy, Betsey were raisin'
seventeen year, an were the pootiest
gal in the township, but jimmy soon
give her to un 'erstan', b'gosh, that her
place want to be dandlin' roun' in
no settin' room no longer, but that she
were to keep to the kitchin, an if she
didn't like it she could pack. her duds
an mosey out'n thar, quicker'n OF
Ring could hole mushrat. Ez Betsey
hadn't nop'ticklar place waitin' for hel
jist then, she reckoned she'd hef to put
up wi Miss jimmy an the kitchin' an SO
thar she staid.
"Wall, the way things was runnin'
jis' broke poor Wilder Wigs all up,
an SEEM that tn want no use o. her
pcsterin' round the patch no more,
she jis' turned in an drawed her last
breath an left Of Topmuck lone lorn
wid'rer wunst agin. Ez tn want no
will ez anybody know'd on, an tn
wilder hadn' t no blood relations, b'gosh
Balaam an jimmy jis' sot right down in
butter tub, SO to speak, fur all 9th
wilder s property was their'n, slickcr'n
a pig-tail greaser, an consistently from
that time on Betsey Fassett foun' the
sleddin' heap rougher thin ever.
Bout this time Beverly G. Freden-
baugh dropped down in the Holler an
bought hoop-pole farm. He were a
strippin' young Teller, an 'twan't long
fore it got missed round that he paid
cash fur his hoOp-pole tract, an had
roll o. bills, b'gosh, ez tn must ha'
ben forty or fifty dollars in. Fust
thing folks know'd OF Balaam had
the young feller to his house to dinner,
an jimmy got sweeter'n q 'lasses stick
on him.. Then everybody noticed ez
he were keepin' up a pooty reg'lar
streak O. visitin' at Balaam's, an it
looked ez if jimmy had shared him,
sartin' ez flint. Bimeby folks didn't
hev no doubt bout it, fur Of Top
muck built new log house and
moved inter it, an sol the old un to
Beverly G., long wi some O. the Wild
der Wigs things ez were in it.
Thu be weddin' match at the
Wilder Wigs fore long, said folks,
AN we'm durn sorry for Beverly G.
"Wall, the night afore Christmas
Eve, that winter, the hull O. Big Camp
Holler Were shuck up wuss'n an
'arthquake by the news that little
Betsey Fassett had ben druv out'n the
house by OIL Topmuck an jimmy,
without no more warniD, b'gosh, than
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
THE OLD SETTLER

''TE' were a heap O. fun in Pike
County forty-seven year ago." contin-
aed the Old Settler, IAN no mistake.
Ny brotker.'n-law, Sim Peters-least-
wise he got to be my brother-'n-law
arterw's, but he want dzac'ly mine
then, cause me an M'riar hadn't
t;.ched yit, not by several year, an
nuther one on us hadn't even
thort O. setch a thing, ez
hadn't never seen M'riar yit, an
M'riar hadn's never see me.
Me and M'riar was talkin' over them
Dr times unly t'other day. The night
we was hitched were jis' more than
ras'hn' wi the asmy, an l were glum-
mer, b'gosh, than a def deerhoun'.
But M'riar, she were feelin' SO durn
good that she were chuck full an run
aim over. says to M'riar only t'other
day: 'M'riar,' says I, dye member
aow glum l were the night we was
litcheG?'
"'Wall, / orter' says she.
".An' dye member how good you
Alt?'
4 reckon says M'riar.
Well says .M'riar, the reason I
Slt so glum that night was that thcrt
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25

hornet gives ye wen he backs up
agin' ye an dumps his load o. piEen
'twixt yer eyes. An tn were sumpin'
bout Beverly G. Fredenbaugh bein'
mixed up in the fight, an folks went
business. 1t didn't take more'n .
coon's age to dig it out.
''It pears that 'arly in the evenin'
Beverly had dropped in at Of Balaam's.
AFTER talkin' spell about hog KILN .
an the right time o. the moon to do.it
in, an gossipin' little bout beefin'
the brindle steer, Beverly had switched
off an said:
"'Wall. Mr.. Topmuck,' said he,
now ez I've got a house, I'm agointer
git me wife to put inter it, said he.
"W'en he had said this, jimmy she
simpered an snickered. an put her
ham up an said:
'O-h-h! Beverly G.r
"Then the oil man had Clipped in.
".Tve ben spectin' this yer fur
some time said he, but it comes
ruthcr suddint fur all that, said he.
Shell make ye q wife ez won't let
nothin'- 60 to waste, kin tell yc,
Jimmy will
''Thes Beverly G. had riz up an said:
"'But hor on, Balaam! said he, an
he called the Of man Balaam. 'Hol'
ont said he. ''Tain't jimmy; it's Bet
scy Fassett! Me an Betsey's gointer
hitch, comm Chris mas Ere, said he.
''Boys, l s'pect tn were 3 tolable
lively circus up at Balaam Topmuck' 8
fur q few minutes that night. Beverly
were 'bleeged to set BALKAN out in the
snow through the winder to cool him
down, an wen Betsey Fassett left the
house she TUX wi her more hair thin
b'ionged to her, an it were jist the
color o. Jinnys.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
would be . wilder in less'n six months.

you'd be widder in less'n six months.
says I.
the reason I felt % dum good! says
she.
This Joke Of M'riar's made the boys
laugh, and It pleased the Squire 20 that
he ordered the landlord to set the
pewter mugs to steaming.
.Wall," the Old Settler went on,
s'Sim Peters had . farm over in Big
Camp Holler. The farm measured
twenty-three acres, butI think, b'g0sh,
that Il they could ha' run IL through q
sieve an tuck the dirt ez were left an
spread it out agin, itwonldn't ha' loot
ed up more'n three acres an half.
But nobody couldn't make Sim b'lieve
that tn were any more stun on the
place than tn orter be to keep the sile
warm, though he did usety say that it
were a leetle dangerous an q mite ex-
pensive, sides keepin' plantin' back
consid able, q havin' to blast away q
rock or two ev'ry time he wanted to
drop hill o. beans or Eaters.
II lived wi Sim in them days, an
that's how I know'd bout the fac's
I'm gointer give ye. One O. Sims
clus neighbors were the Wilder
Wigs. The widder want ez pooty
ez an ash saplin', boys, but she were
jist about the shape o. one. TIL
want no supcrfo-ous material bout
the wilder, an wat material tn
were want 'stributed proper. Wen
noses an feet was give out, the Wild
der Wigs must ha' ben the fust one
thar, fur she got enough O. both to
fix out three or four ord nary folks.
But, then, the wilder had farm
wuth easy two hundred an fifty dol
lars, o mule. q brindle steer, o bark
wagon, q coon dog, a bar trap, an
q gun. all lef' to her by Of 'Lias
Wigg, which died suddint, count o
fallin' off'n q load O. hoop poles an
the mule steppin' onter him. Con-
sekently, the widder were quite some
punkins in society at the HOller.
''Or Balaam Topmuck lived on a
little place that he rented, over on
Snipc Ridge. He were the meanest
of all the mean Of fippiny-bit squeez-
ers tn was in that deestric', an tn
was SONG cZ COulO give OUVs, SOSus
to all creation. Wy, Of Topmuck
were SO durn mean that wen his
fust wife died he docked his hired
man . days wages fur knockin' off
an goin' too her funer'l! He did
b'gosh! or Balaam had a darter jim
ny ez were jist ez mean, if not a
leetle meaner, than her pap were.
So, wen Balaam begun to shine
'roun' the Wilder Wigs ev'ry-
body know'd, o. course, the rea-
son fur wy, but nobody in the clear
in could get it through their conks
why the Wilder Wigs tuck to
cottonin' to Balaam. Anyhow, he
mar'd the widder, give up the Snipe
Ridge place, an moved into the wild
der's house, bag, baggage, jimmy an
all. From that day the place want
the widder's no more. jimmy an her
pap jist tuck charge of things, an the
fust thing the widder knOw'd she
want no more count 'roun' the
plantation than q One-armed blind
man at shootin' match.
1.-THE widder-wich o. course she
want the widder no more, but ev'ry-
body called her so-the widder had a
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
AND SHE ROSE UP.

The Story Of How . Wicked Wyoming
Man Spoiled His wire's Christmas.
1t was coolly planned and dcliber-
ately executed in cold blood. They
sat by the fire, and as he perused his
paper she was busy with thoughts of
Christmas. By and by he walked up
and asked:
Ibid any parcels for me CONS up
to-day"
mo, dear" she replied, 40 her face
grew white as snow. ''Have you been
buying anything?'
at Blanks this afternoon, and, as he
was selling out his slippers at cost, I
bought me three pair. Guess I'll be
fixed for the next ten years to come"
''You - bought = slippcrs?' she
gasped, as she pressed her hand upon
her heart.
eyes, and Dash came to the door as
I was going past and asked me in to
take look at his stock of dressing
gowns"
"And-and-''
"And bought me couple. Rather
handy garments. you know, and these
are something extra nice"
do you mean to tell me that You
went and"
'Why, dear, how you tremble." he
interrupted. Eyes, bought two of
them, and when Dash happened to
mention that l ought to have 4 smok-
ing-cap, twelve new shirts, and .
smoking-set and cane, l told him to go
ahead and send them up. I'll order ,
new silk hat, wristlets. gloves. sleeve
buttons and six neckties tomorrow,
and then guess I'll be provided for.
Come and kiss your old hubby"
But she didn't. She rose up and
gasped and rushed out of the roors
with fearful eyes and clencned tccth.-
CHEYENNE Sun.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
YOUNG SAPHEADLY.

The New Year Resolutions Which He l1as
Unanimously Adopted.
Will hereafter resist every temptation
to rise before twelve o'clock.
Will bear up under nausea and head
ache till I have finished my fifteen
cigars day.
Will cconomizc space by wearing the
highest possible brooches.
Will never look at anything with the
naked eye so long as it can be seen with
glasses.
Till my right hand shall forget its
cunning will 1 never cease to part my
hair IN the middle.
Fatigue shall never prevent me from
spending several hours every day in an
easy-chair.
As determination is the privilege
and should be the delight of every ra-
tional being, / shall devote all my spare
moments to standing before the look.
ing-glass.
In the great crises of life, when at 8
loss what to do, shall put on q pair Of
striped trousers and white nccktie.
As time is precious, shall punctually
avoid keeping every and any appoint.
ment on matters of mere business.
Must acquire the manly art of boxing.
A good boxer need never be afraid to
meet his tailor.
In order to further the diligent cult
walton of my mind. my library shall
never be without at least six hair.
brushes.
To keep up healthy interest in the
varying phenomena of nature, shall
watch, day by day, the growth of my
mustache and the varying color of my
meerschaum.
In order to guard against unsOcial
habits, shall always walk out ac-
companied by cane.
To keep up o healthy interest in the
affairs Of my fellow creatures, and
cultivate conversational habits, shall
always keep a dog.
Must keep a more careful account Of
my income and expenses, so that the
income may always be kept below the
expenses.
Will lecrn to do everything with de-
Iteration, SO that I may avoid the guilt
of putting on my boots before my
trousers.
As q mind unfinished is o mark of
neglected. opportunities, will get me a
wig before l get bald.
As profanity is low vice Gas prac-
ticed in this country shall import my
Oaths from London and Paris.
For the encouragement of art, shall
never omit to call every new picture
beastly, and every new opera bore.
Must improve the flceting moments
by teaching them to fleet gracefully.
In order to keep up q proper spirit
of independe nee will never fail to find
fault with the sum that old Sapheadly
allows me for my expenses.
Must never forget that gentleman
is never excusable for staring at every
woman he meets, except when he does
it for the purpose of staring her out of
countenance.-JudJe.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
WIDOW WIGGS' WILL.
The "Old Settler" Tells q Christ
mas Story.

"a weddin' hain't ginerl'y s'prise
party, boys" said the Old Settler, as
he shut one eye and peered through q
cloud 81 mist that rose from a pewter
mug in his hand, ''but if Beverly G.
Fredenbaugh's weddin', forty-seven
year ago this Christmas Eve, want an
up-an'-up s'prise party, then, b'gosh,
I've heern 81 s'prise parties, but never
see one"
The fire in the tavern was SO bright
that you could stand on one side of the
room and read clear across on the
other, just as plain as day, the an
nouncements of a coming dance at
Welcome Hollow, o donation at
Domino SINNERS, and turkey shoot
and rattle at Nate Coolies. 1t was SO
bright that the usual glow on the Old
Settlers nose actually seemed so much
subdued by the unwonted effulgence of
the room that its tone failed to give
him one-hai the credit he was en-
titled to as q regular patron of that
department Of the hosiery. But the
CHEEKY influence of the light was upon
him, and upon the Squire, the County
Clerk, the Sheriff and all the boys.
The Old Settler and his friends were
beaming, and he himself was bubbling
ever with Renaissance.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS.

The Prominent Part Given to Children In
Commemorating the Day.
Christmas is a festival that seems to be
more particularly the property of chill.
dren than any other; not that everybody
does not Join in the celebration with all
their hearts, but that children, in honor
perhaps of Him who became child,
are given the chief part in its pleasures.
In Cornwall, on Christmas Eve. the
children are allowed to sit up till mid
night, and to have taste of cider, too;
and in Devonshirc they 60, with their
father and all the family and friends,
out into the orchard with cider and a
cake, placing the latter in the crotch OF
oae of the branches, and throwing the
other over the tree. This is evidently
the relic of an old Pagan rite. bearing
every appearance of the ancient sacri-
fee. sacrifice to propitiate the tree to
continue its fruitfulness, although why
it should be offered ON Christmas Eve
is not explained.
Indeed, there are many heather Gus
toms that have been grated upon our
way of keeping Christmas. This will
bc understood when it is remembered
that the early Christian fathers found
it hard to keep their flOcks from joining
in the Pagan ceremonies at times OF
good-feeling and jollity. They there
fore wisely made their own ceremonies
conform to the same occasion, 50 that
if their people must celebrate, they
could be celebrating Christian facts.
Thus the old Roman Saturnalia, a time
of great merry-making, to speak mild
", coming ut this season of the year,
the early fathers thought best to har-
mouizc it with their Christmas fsstivi-
ties.
From the Saturnalia are descended
the '.Niummers," q band of people
who 90 about in masks. in England,
and enact some rude play before the
doors. Whatever this play was in the
days of the Saturnalia, in the Christian
days it has usually been the story Of st.
George and the Dragon-old Father
Christmas, crowned with holly and
carrying wassail bowl, introducing
st. George, Turkish knight. huge
scaly dragon and doctor to bind up
the wounds; to all of whom the chill
dren at the window arc delighted to
throw their half-pennies.
Again in Great Britain the priests of
the new religion borrowed from the
Druids, for their Christmas use, the OBJ
servancc of the winter solstice with
great solemnity, and allowed also some
Of the customs of the ancient Saxons to
be absorbed. Thus from the Druids we
have the mistletoe, and from the Sax
ons the Yule log.
There is a cheer and generous hos
pitality about the Yulc log which it
warns one to think of. In the places
where such a thing is really burned,
when it is cut and dragged along to
be placed on the hearth. and lighted
from the embers of last years log,
put away for that purpose, every way
farer raises his hat to it as it goes
along, it means 80 much.
From what the WAITS" another &C
compartment of Christmas, dear to
English children, have descended is
not certainly ascertained; but there
was company Of 'Waits * early ~
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
ONE OR rorHER.

The Dutifal WITT Who Must Positively
Mako Her Husband . Christmas Pres
ent.
/" Something for your husband, eh?''
replied the clerk as he forced his face
to smile again. ''How would you like
. smoking seta''
Got him one last year."
take meerschaum pipe or cigar
CASE )
Hes got both"
Here's nice blacking-box. You
would be sur"
He never uses one."
Anything in gloves or mittensp''
!" He's got plenty"
IS Take shaving Set"
I" No usc-hc goes to the BARRIERS"
Wouldn't he be pleased with gold
pen and fancy ink-stand?"
got those last year."
"Aet's see! Is he fond Of jewelryP"
I" Never wears bit"
Does he like pictures?"
I" Got house full. "
{" How would q set of Dickens do?"
2" No good"
And l suppose he has neckties.
cuf-buttons, slippers, dressing-gowns,
hair brushes, tooth-picks, spcctacles,
writing desk, pen wipers, and so on?'
" Yes-everything."
Madam, i don't believe we can
help you any, unless you want gold
headed cane"
He's got one"
The clerk scratched his head and
looked up and down the store for a
long minute, and then Remarked:
Unjust you make him Christmas
present."
Eyes. I positively must"
"Well, we've only one other article,
and if that doesn't suit I'll have to give
up. It is crutch for invalids or in
tircd persons. If he happens to get
hurt it will come handy"
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25
KEEPING CHRISTMAS.

"Aary. look in youder drawer in that Old
And bring me from tho stockings there some
IN Ssp ne te re ts sss Chimney lamb b.y
wont be In the way.
And MI Thorn aftor twelve to-nisht-to-mor.
rows Christmas Day.
Bring me I pair for little Tom. the roEuish.
Was ever 90 fine a boy as thati he makes the
whole house glad;
He'll got y knife and u pair of skates the boy
will have his way.
promised them q year ago, and to.morrow's
Christmas Day.
"And Beesle-merry little lass-my precious
SUNDAY child.
Kate. the willfui wild:
And baby-here n rattle bOx-she's most too
young to play.
mOrrOws Christmas Day.
"A Bible for my Sunday girl. doll for saucy
And lots Of other things besides-books. PEN
ellis, toys and slate:
Come, JOHN, aud help me write their names
you have their smiles for pay
mOrrow's Christmas Dsy.
Johns gomez Gone where? You're joking
now. John out on Christmas Eve!
Gone out and left mo here alOnel Meier say.
ing by your leave?
Why. Mary lass. you're old-youve lived too
lOng-nay! nay!
You never knew INV John forset-to NOR
rows Christmas Day.
"I-wish-the chiidren-were awake-it seems
And yet they're better safe aslecp-there's
nOnght for INC tn fear:
And In the morn wen go to church. it's a.
And each win wear tic holly srecn-tomor.
rows Christmas Day.
II hear the tolling Of bell! who's dead. aged
I'm sure ITS none Of mine. and yet-what is it
That bell-it has a solemn tone-so faint and
Why, All the Eells will ring tonight-tomor.
rows Christmas Day.
Dead ay 5 sssl N. you S1 ss a%.' from moi Mary
Yet somehow I had most forgot sitting alone
1t used to be so say-so gay. before John
And took tho children Acknowledgements
rows Christmas Day.
you needn't hang the stockings up-yes-I
Hush, children. dear-there's something
wrong-thefes Tom. he's grown 50 tall.
And Bessie sitting In yon chair-sae smiles iu
rknow now why she's dressed in white-to-
morrOwB Christmas Day"
'They found her dreaming by the hearth, "eo,
tuck the children in;
I'd have them Just us safe from cold, as now
they are from sin.
They're sleeping in their little beds, God
watches them alwav.
But mother watches with Him, tOo-to-mor.
row-is-Christmas-D
And thus it happened on that day O grave
was added, where
Some other graves had long ago been made
and kept with care;
And where rhe Star Of bethlehem with radi-
ance { the way,
The mother with her absent ones was keeping
Christmas Day.
Mrs. II. L. RGgnc. il Detroit Free Press.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25

.'Wcll, dunno" she said. as she
critically examined the crutch. ut
lays between this and a life-preserver,
which found at secondhand store.
I'll think it over tonight, and by tc.
morrow must reach some conclusion.
Meanwhile. if telephone you that he
has taken another roll down the back
stairs, you can count on the cash for
two crutches, quart Of arnica aud 1t
least six porous plasters. Detroit
Free Press.
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25

thar, Pgosh, he held in his ham the
Widow Wigs will, made out ez reg
lar an bindin' ez mar &c 'stif' kit, an
ieavin' ev'ry durn inch O. lam an pas
sci O. worldly goods ez were her'n to
little Betsey Fassett! faint no use
o. tcllin' We, s'pose, that tn were q
few tears shed, an a heap O. huggin'
did. an a s'picion o some woopin' an
hollerin' in an aroun' that cabin,
b'gosh, fur some leetle spell.
"Waii, mex day BALKAN an jimmy
were sarved wi notice to quit the Wild
The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-12-25

der Wigs plantation in short order,
an If the Of sinner didn't hev the
cheek to ask Beverly G. TO pay him q
hunderd dollars fur loadin' the log that
busted an unkivered the widder's will,
ye kin knife me!-N y Sun.