davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24

:
If all the characteristic stories of Abraham
Lincoln have not been called in and the polls
closed, we should like to put on record just
one more incident that came to the personal
notice of the writer:
1t was a habit of the great iberatOr, when
more than usually perplexed by the cares
and burdens of the great conflict, to steal
away for one of those self-communiDg walks
which were doubtless the only really undis-
turbed moments of his life. One afternoon,
just after the terrible disaster at Cold HarbOr,
his distracted ramble led him along the
canal that runs parallel with the Poto-
mac, south of the White House. Wan
dering a couple of miles in this aimless
way, Lincoln came to a smoky little cabin,
at the door of which an old colored man was
pairing potatoes. The good president
stopped, and, taking it for granted that he
would be unknown to this humble contra
band, sat down and engaged him in CONVEX
sation. With that patriarchal readiness OF
opinion peculiar to aged darkies, the latter
delivered many oracular dissertations on
public affairs, the conduct of the war, the
duties of the executive and national affairs
generally. The president Estened-not with
out gaining an idea or two from the homely
discourse-until it was quite dark. As he
he was about to return the old man set before
him bowl of milk and some hoe cake which
Lncoln-who told the story himself-ate
with relish, the first food he had enjoyed
for many a day.
Goodbye, Uncle" he said at last, I'm
come to see you again"
''Done do so, Massa Linkum, done do So
said the old man, Hospitality.
''You know me, them asked the presi-
dent.
Eyes, indeed, honey; knowed yer was
Ole Abe de berry minute 1 sot eyes on yer.
/ seed yer once at yer noggeration, Massa
President and I nebber could forgit yer dis
quick Yer's a mighty good man, Massa
Linkum, a powlful good man, but de good
Lord made yer drefful homely in de face, and
dat's a facn
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24


'Doan' marry a gal hopin' dat her father
will set you up in de barber bizness. Most
fadder-in-laws not only want all dey hez got,
but am willin' to struggle fur another $40, 600
''Doan' sOt down an fgger dat fo' taters, a
loaf Of bread, half a pound of meat an a
quart of applesass am goin' to run you fur a
week. You will want all de salary you kin
ai'rn, an you had better look aroun an find
somebody who will lend you a dollar now an
then.
''Doan' fatter yerselves dat all you hev
got to do am to hug in de house an kiss ober
de gate. You'll be hungry fur CON beef an
baked beans; your cloZe will war out; Your
-four an butter will waste away, an bill
fur two months rent viii send chill up yer
back. De man or woman who specks dat
mar'd life am green an shady lane, liLed
wild orange blossoms on one side an ten dol
lar bills on de odder, am gwine to wake up
some day an find de rats leavin' de place in
disgust.
"Think Of desc things, Brudder Skinner
You kin get wife in about five minutes,
but it takes five Vars to git shet of some of
'em. Expeck about one days sunshine fur
a week of cloudy weather Reckon on
house rent comm due de fust of cherry
month, an de grocer an butcher keepin' an
eye out fur you each Saturday night 1t
will amaze you how de woodpile decides an
how de -four gifts outen de bar'l so soon.
Doan' walk into matrimony like lobster
into box, but figger on whether de bait
am with de risks. If you conclude to mary
you kin depend on dis club attendin' de
obsequies in body, bringin' along a boun-
teous supply of ham sandwiches. If you
decide not to, it am proboble dat you will
soon be promoted to some posishun of truS'
an responsibility
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24

Many people have travelled all their lives,
and yet do not know how to behave them
selves when on the road. For the benefit
and guidance of such these few, crisp, plain
horse sense rules of etiquette have been
framed:
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn to the
right on discovering an approaching train
If you wish the train to turn out give two
loud toots and get in between the rails, SO
that you will not muss up the right OF way
Many a nice, new right Of way has been
ruined by getting pedestrian tourist spat-
tered all over its first mortgage.
If you never rode in vanished car be-
fore, and never expect to again, you VIII
probably roam up and down the car, mean
dering over the feet of the porter while he is
making up the berths. This is good way
to let people see just how little you Lad left
after your brain began to soften.
In travelling do not take along lot Of old
clothes that you know you never will wear.
Never walk through car staring every
body out of countenance, like a Jim Grow
detective hunting for the James boys.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Brudder Gardeners Remarks on Marriage

detroit Free Press
81 should like to spoke a few remarks TO
Brudder Side Bar Skinner" observed the
president, as the dust began to settle in Para
disc Hall.
Brother Skinner, who is a young man of
g. with a mild eye and lilac necktie, adj
vanced to the front and the president con-
tinued:
''Brudder Skinner, de news has reached
my ears dat you am about to be mard
trus' dat de report am true, bekase believe
it am de dooty Of cherry young man who kin
support wife to take one"
1T am true, sah.'
''Den let me compliment you wild one hand
an spoke few remarks to you wild de odder.
Gittin' mar'd has its very serious side. Fur
instance, am de gal gwine to marry you be-
kase she loves you, or TO spite her folks be
kase dey kept her away from de skatin' rink2
Am yO' gwine to marry de gal fur love, or
bekase her father has some wealth which you
hope he'll she'll out fur your benefit!
Love am a powerful emoshun, Brudder
Skinner but love widout pork and 'taters to
keep it goin' am like de froth on top of soda
water. -
Don't mistake your sentiments. If you
am sartin' dat you love, go ahead. If it am
only lonypop, hire out as deck hand on a
steamboat fur a week an it will all go away
I hev known cor1les ez seem to be dyin' Of
love. Der silly ackshuns made 'em de latin
stock of hull nayburhoOd. Dey seemed to
dote an dote, but it didn't last. AFTER a
couple of Vars de husband war a home
grumbler an tyrant, an de wife gadabout
an scold. What dey spOsed was love war
only lOllYpOD.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Sharp Enough for Wall Street.
ATLANTA Constitution

IAJIahCa CONSTITUTIONAL
A farmer rented some land last year to a
colored man for third of the crop. When
the drought came on his corn and cotton
were affected by it. He gathered two bales
of cotton and two wagon-loads of corn. The
latter was penned up for his own use, and
the cotton was sold. When the landlord
called for his share he was told there was
none for him. He was thunderstruck, and
asked: Didn't I rent you the land for a
third of the crop?' Eyes, boss" said the
man; ''but you see dere was no third. Dere
was only two bales of cotton and two loads
of corn; all mine, and muffin for you by the
contract" And the landlord could not make
Cuffee believe any other way
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Amateur AIinstreIs With Fresh Jokes.
IL


1t the Grand amateur minstrel jubilee
given in New York recently in aid of the
Eartholdi pedestal fund, the jokes were I'M
usually fresh. Even the oldest ''cheStnuts"
were SO disguised that they were hardly
recognizable. The following are specimens
Yes sam, got home late agin de odder
night, an my mudder she says, "Chile,
whar you bin out so late agin dis year
1ightt'
use bin out CALM on lady, 1 says.
well Tile, why you don't come home
tore midnIghtg' she says.
''KaseI couldn't git away before. Kase de
lady war settin' on my hat, an was too
much OBJ a gemman to call her 'tention to de
circumstances" says.
'FWell, now, honey" she says, 'jis look a
we're, an yo' member dis now, or you git lef'
out. Next time you visit a lady jis keep
your hat off yo' lap"
next one:
81 see a man drivin' a wagon down
South Fifth avenue dis we're morning, when
a shutter flew off OBJ buiIdin' and knocked
de wagon speeches."
Interlocutor-Oh, no, you don't mean the
wagon. You mean that the shutter knocked
the driver of the wagon speeches.. You
couldn't knock wagon speeches..
t'Dat's whar you's wrong. Dis yere shut
ter jis flew off OBJ de building, and didn't
touch de drivah nowhar. [ seen it knock de
wagon speeches.. I knows what [ sees, l
reckon-'deed does"
Interlocutor-But it's impossible to knock
a wagon speeches..
''WeIl, it knocked de tongue out OBJ de
wagon. L seen it do it. And de shutter
war tried for it in de court"
Interlocutor-Wha did they do with the
shutter in the court!
''Dey hung it-dat's what dey done wild
it."
Interlocutor-Wha for?
''Jis for blind
This one at least sounds fresh:
Use been a boardin wild a grass wilder
lately"
INSTRUMENTATION do you know she is q
grass widow?
'"Cause her husband died wild hay fever
spose rse fool?"
This is positively the first appearance of
this last joke in 40 years:
''Tse been movin' my residence lately"
Observation-Disclosures for?
''Wen, you see, my numbah use to be 128,
an de numbah were always dab when I was
agoin' east. But de odder night I heerd dat
q Teller done paid his dues to de club, an 1
went down for to get my share. When I was
acomin' back late at night my house was 821,
an got all mixed up. 1t won't occur agin,
boss, for Use done moved to 313."
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Two Simple Fish Tails.
[Norrtstown Herald

INoffLSUOWn Herald.
1t is related of famous cook that he pre-
pared fish so exquisitely that they returned
him admiring and grateful looks from the
frying pan. We can readily believe this
story. 1t is no more remarkable than the
conduct of trout, which, upon hearing an
angler lying about its weight, looked up with
a painful expression and softly murmured,
''Oh, come down couple Of pounds"
Modern Arithmetic.
Danish the devil of modern arithmetic
from our public schools, said Hon.
Henry c. Robinson in speech on public
education in Hartford the other day. "It
assaults the brain and imperils the life
1t develops precocity, and precocity is un-
nature, and immature is monster
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24

THE CAR.
If you have been reared in extreme power
ty and your mother supported you until you
grew up and married so that your wife
could support you, you will probably sit in
four seats at the same time, with your feet
extended into the aisles so that you can wipe
them off on other people, while you snore
with your mouth open clear to your shoulder
blades.
If you are prone to drop to sleep and
breathe with a low, death rattle, like the ex-
haust of bath tub, it would be a good plan
to tie up your head in a feather bed and
then insert the whole thing in the linen
closet.
In the dining car while eating, do not
comb your moustache with your fork. By
all means do not comb your moustache with
the fork of another. 1t is better to refrain
altogether from combing the moustache with
a fork while travelling, for the motion of the
train might jab the fork into your eye and
irritate it.
If your dessert is very hot and you do not
discover it until you have burned the
rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do
not utter wild yell of agony and spill your
coffee all over a total stranger but control
yourself, hoping to know more next time.
In the morning is good time to find out
how many people have succeeded in getting
on the passenger train who ought to be In
the stock car.
Generally, you will find one male and one
female. The male goes into the wash room,
battles his worthless carcass from daylight
until breakfast time, walking on the feet of
any man who tries to wash his face during
that time He wipes himself on nine differ
ent towels, because when he gets home he
knows he will have to wipe his face on an
old door mat. People who have been reared
on hay all their lives generally wafN to fill
themselves full of pie and collie when they
travel
The female of this same mammal goes into
the ladies' department and remains there
until starvation drives her out. Then the
real ladies have about ID seconds in which to
dress
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
The Pleasures of Imagination.

Poor old Horace Greeley came down to
The Tribune Office one cold morning, and.
approaching the radiator, took off his hat.
sat down and began to examine pile of ex-
changes. He looked comfortable and happy.
The Office boy observed him, and, approach
ing the venerable editor, remarked:
please, sir, there amt any steam on in
that heater
Mr.. Greeley cast whitening glance at the
youth and squeaked:
Cd you, why didn't you Let me alonel
I was getting warm"
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
A Sure Road to Fame.
Philadelphia Call.

Father-My son, you are now laying the
foundation for your future career. l hope
you will study hard and make your mark in
the world.
Son-Yes, father, that is my intention. In
a few years my name will be known to all
civilized nations. My fame will be spread
throughout the land, and [ viii be classed
among the great men of the country.
Father-A noble ambition, my son. But
what profession have you chosen that will so
soon lead to all this greatness?
Son-I shall become a pugilist.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
She is Still a Woman.
1Chicago Herald.J

At a station down in Indiana the Lake
Shore company employs lady ticket agent
She is good agent, and attends closely to
her business, but she is a woman still The
other day lady traveller stepped up to the
ticket window and inquired about train
that was little late.
''Will the train be long?' she asked mean
ing if it would be long in arriving.
''Oh, yes" was the reply of the fair ticket
agent, longer than last season, but without
50 many ruffles around the edge"
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
advertisements.
CASTLE & COOKP~
HAVE RECEIVED OFFER FOR sr
Elk. MENDOZA" and Other Late
From New Yorkan n Francisco. a Large and vo,,
Merchandise TO " AS7Ea,s
Plantations, Country Stores and Fan,
CONSISTING IN PART OF


Palace Oi-the highest oil in market yn
Oils cases. Sperm Cynde on 'L
Galvanized Plain Cut
rugated Iron, Wre Plain and u
Galvanized Cloth Centrifugal Wire Cloths Centfn
Pump Company Patent Rubber Valves and Snrh
e inch, 8 and ply. Steam Packing round 81
Styles Anvils Vises, Hydraulic Rams Jack Steel RI
pillow yet; Fuowing Breaking Plows all sizes
Hoes Gang Plows, Planters Hoes, make . inch CO
Hoes Shove Spades Rakes Forks Scoops Bush Scv
Knives, make and quality Newer.
Axes Fairbanks Scales, three szes Grindsones all %
Pick AK Mattocks Axes, Shoes Machine R
lengths superior Hardware Builders, H
Locks Butts, Screws, Hinges, Staples Tck, Brads ETC. P
Patents. etc., Nachniss tools kinds Hammers
and Glass.
Zinc, Rubber Paint, Boiled Oil Valentino
Turpentine variety small paints Oils c
Lamps Lanterns, large variety, Stationery INKS Hollow w.
BLUE DENNIS, 8, and a rates
SALMON, barrels
BENICIA Family Flour.
CRUSHED and GRADUATED SUGAR in hanbr.
GIANT POWDER. GE14ATINE POWDER w
ExpecEesI per Steamship Alameda
BLAKE BOILER FEED, LIGHT SERVICE VACUUM PUMPS
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Nearly Went into HierOglyphics.

eyes, a." said Mrs. Brown to Mrs. Smith,
''the poor man suffered awful pains He
was in a tomatose state for three long DAYS.
caused from suspension. The doctor said
that he was troubled with animation of the
stomach and also slight confusion of the
bowels, which at first seemed like an attack
of sporadic coloric. But the poor mans
time had come, and I suppose his death
could not be helped, so at exactly o'clock
his soul passed to that home from which no
man returneth. 1 felt sorry for his wife
The poor woman nearly went into hero
glyphics."
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Did She Mean Anything Personal
IArxanearU T,r-aralor1

She was playfully feeling in his vest
pocket, and he asked: ''What are you seek
ing, darlingF' ooh, nickel, or a quarter,
or a dollar-anything," she replied. ''Why,"
said he, 'tyou do not expect to find feathers
on hog| And she answered, with the most
innocent smile and naive expression: ''No,
dear Walter, was not looking for feathers"
And he refuses to go back until he knows
whether she meant anything personal or
nof
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
a Hint to the Frogs.
burlington Free Press

A recent distressing railroad accident Is
said to have been caused by a defective
frog" 1t is to be hoped that frogs who are
abnormally constituted, or in any way lack
ing in the physical perfection of their rae.
will hereafter keep off the track.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Proof Positive.
Nnrr- Xnr.Ir S11n /

eve have held a consultation" said a
doctor to his patient 'but we are unable to
agree as to the exact nature of your disease
Three of the physicians are of one opinion.
while am of another"
But, DOCTOR" said the patient, anxiously,
show will the matter be settled.'
''Oh, the autopsy will show who knows
hast -
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
WILDER'S STEAMSHIP CO.,
LiMaitedl.
STEAMER KINAU.
king, Commander),

Leaves Honolulu per following schedule,
touching at Lahaina, Maalaea, MAIZENA,. Mahu
kona, Kawalhae Laupahoehoe Hilo and Reauhou:
Tuesday June %, Volcano and way ports.
Tuesday June 30, Hlo and way ports
Tuesday, July 7, Hilo and way ports.
Tuesday, July Il, Volcano and way ports
Tuesday July 81, Hilo and way ports.
Tuesday, July %, Volcano and way ports
Tuesday, August 4, HiIo and way ports
Tuesday August II, Volcano and way ports
Tuesday, August IS, Hilo and way ports
Tuesday, August 25, Volcano and way ports
Tuesday, September L, Hilo and way ports
Tuesday, September 8, Volcano and way ports
Tuesday, September Is, Hilo and way ports
Tuesday, September %, Volcano and way ports
Tuesday, September 20, Hilo and way ports
PASSENGER TRAINS will connect with the
Rinau at Mahukona.
The Kinau WILL TOUCH at Honokaia and
Paauhau on down trips from Hilo for Passengers
II signal is made from the shore.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
STEAMER MOKOLn,
tMcGregor, Commander.

tMcGregor, COmmander),
Leaves Honolulu each Monday at p. m. for
KRunakakai, Kamalo, Pukoo, Lahaina, Moanui,
Halawa, Wailau, Pelekunu and Kalaupapa. Re-
turning, leaves Pukoo Fridays q. m. for Honolulu,
arriving Saturday morning.
rs The Company will not be responsible for
any freight packages unless roceipted for, nor
for personal baggage unless plainly marked. Not
responsible for money or jewelry unless placed in
charge OF the Purser.
All possible care viii be taken of Live Stock but
the Company will not assume any risk OF accident
SAMT. q. WILDER, President.
8. B. ROSE, Secretary.
OFFTCE-COrner Fort and Queen streets.
23-ly Mar 80
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Suggested by Our wife.
philadelphia Call

Needles were invented by man, but for
a long time were little used, says his
torian. We suppose he made the eye about
as big as teacup.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
A Simple Thing to Do.
New York Sun.

Kentucky wife-My dear, 1 read in the
papers that camel can go without water for
ten days.
Kentucky husband with an expression Of
surprise)-Ten days! Is that all?
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Worse and Worse.

Georgie-''Do you know, Ethel, old Stokes
had a perplezcity fit the other dayP'
Ethel-''A perplexity fit? you mean a par
allel stroke"
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
How Could He.
[Plttsburg Chronicle. ]

The Prince Of Wales has been given
Ropy of the revised Bible He says he does
not NOTES any difference between it and
the old Que
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
STEAMER LEHUA,
davies. Commander,

Leaves Honolulu every Monday at F. N. for
EKaunakakai, Kahului, every week; Huelo, Hama
and Kipahulu. Keanae, Mokulau and Nuu every
other week. Returning, will stop at the above
ports, arriving back Saturday mornings.
For mails and passengers only.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
STEAMER KILAUEA HOU,
(weisbarth, Commander

Will leave regularly for Paauhau, KoholaleIe
Ookala, Kuka'au, Honohina, LaupahoehOe, Haka-
lau and Onomea.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Employment Department

Employment Department
Finds Employment in all branches of industry
connected with the Islands.
General Business Matters
Keep Books and Accounts, collect Bills, loans
or invest Moneys. Penmanship, EngrosSing and
all kinds of Copying done.
ProcureS Fire and Life Insurance.
Advertisements and Correspondence attended to.
Information of every description connected
with the Islands coming from abroad fully
answered.
Custom House Bro ker.
Merchants will find this Department special
benefit to them, as I attend TO entering goods
through power of Attorney and delivering the
same at a small commission.
Soliciting Agent for the "MUTUAL LIFE
INSURANCE COMPANY OF NEW YORK.
the largest, grandest and soundest Insurance
Company in the world.
AGENT for the
'sGreat BURLINGTON Railway ROute,''
In America. Travellers jonrneying by rail in
America will find this route the most comfortable
and most delightful. The scenery is the grandest
going East, ard with the PULLMAN PALACE
SLEEPING CARS and good meals along the trip,
polite attention from employees and reason
able fare route can excel this. MIR. c. K.
MILLER, my Chief Clerk, specially attends to
this Department, and for information, guide books,
maps, etc, he will extend every courtesy.
AGENT for the
Honolulu Royal Opera House.
Managers OF tirst-cIass companies abroad Will
address me for terms. etc.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24

The following various branches of business Will
enable the public on the Islands and from abroad
TO gain general Information on all matters in the
following departments:
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
Real Estate Department

BUYS and sells Real Estate IN all parts of the
Kingdom.
Values Real Estate and Property in city and
suburbs.
Rents and leases Houses, Cottages, Rooms ana
Lands.
Attends to Insurance, Taxes, Repairing ana
Collecting of Rentals.
Titles, Records, Etc.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-07-24
STEAMER PLANTER,
CLILINOE,)

Leaves every Tuesday at 5 p. m. for NaWlllWlh
KOloa, Eleele and Wamea. Returning, Will leave
Nawiiwih every Saturday at p. M, arriving AT
Honolulu every Sunday at a. m.