News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-02-05

my dear Miss Sally Ratus," sighed
the grocer on his knee, 'I canned-corn-
ceive no butter bride than you would
beef for me-" "You are a silly man"
replied the maid, "as one mace see"-
"If vermicilli man," he cried. ST mus
tard- mire thee. For, miss, the love
you're kindling-wood soo1 make me
smart, oii-though it's cinnamon to bean.
no good-oh do nutmeg me CO." Then
with coffee rose sand said, ''before
rice-starch you might give me this
soap"-she sugar head and, blushing,
dimmed the light. "WilI Lime afraid
| of kerosene, OF caress SEEN" said she
''who candies-cover what thyme mean
is smart tea-nough for me-" "The
raisin sardine deed to guess" said he.
"but will try-you fear to have nv
sweet caress-seen by out elders eve. -
You're right; you'll make some honey
comb, and I'll lard-mit Tn caught
you candle light me with home-nov
squeeze meal like you ought. H. G..
DODGE. in NorriStoaOn Herald.
HOW THE DIFFICULTY WAS EvADED.
Mrs. Minks-"No, won't invite that
stuck-up Mrs. De Rich to my party, the
ugly old thing"
Mrs. Winks-"But according to the
rules of etiquette you must. Mere per-
sonal dislike will not excuse you, as you
Will see when the circumstances are
considered"
"Dear me g.! Is there no way out of
it ?"
'None. The invitation must be sent,
and you must have proof that you did
your part toward sending it. OF course
it might-mind, I say might-mis-
carry"
ooh how shall ever be able to
thank you for the suggestionP I will
address the invitation at once"
Eyes; but then what %
'1'll give it to my husband to mail,
and next spring I'll find it in his over
coat and explain it to her. ."-Phild. |
Call.
NOT ON THE FREE SOIL.
Two German citizens, having become |
involved in a fight, were arrested and
taken before a negro justice of the
peace. When the constable explained
why the men had been arraigned, the
justice said:
81 sees dat yer two gentlemen is fur
riners. Now, Eli fine yer $40 fur fight
in an $40 fur s'Iectin' de Newnighted
States fur yer battle groun'. Dis coun-,
try, gentlemen, has to perteck itself err
gin de 'fringements O. de furrin ele-
ment."
''We no dot much money got" said
one of the prisoners.
"Dat amt my fault, gentlemen o de
furrin stamp. Yer ken ies' go inter my
new groun' an work it out. See dat da
do it, Mr.. Constable" - Arkansaao
Traveller.
HIS MALADY ACCOUNTED FOR.
Plumbers Wife (sitting by his bed
clad in an embossed velvet gown and
with $125, 900 worth of jewels scintillat-
ing on her ears and fngers)-"Is he
dangerously ill. doctor?"
Doctor-"No, indeed. He is the most
comfortably off of all my patients"
"But what makes his right arm and
hand shake sop"
"That's only scrivener's palsy"
''Palsy p she exclaimed, with clasp
of her ieweled hands; "what could have
so Frustrated my dear Algernon
"He has been writing too much with
out rest" smiled the doctor. 'He tells
me he has been steadily at work day and
night, for four months past, making out
his annual bills. ."-PhiLadelohia GtlU.
A PHANTOM MEAL.
Poor Tutor-"Know you what do
when hunger have? Then draw I at
home on my slate with chalk white
sausage. When l right severe hunger
have, draw l two. Then drink L once
from my mug of beer, eat piece of
bread and rub from the sausage on the
slate a piece away. Then drink l again,
eat again piece of bread and rub again
from the slate a piece of sausage away
TIL the last morsel away is. So picture
[ myself i'll l have the sausage really
eaten. Behold you, it is all only imag-
ination in the world"
he KNEW THE VALUE OF TIME.
Sam Tubs recently opened barber
shop in Dallas. He evidently had very
little experience at the business, as he
clipped various small pieces from the
features of the first customer, who, how
ever, paid him the usual quarter.
81 want another quarter" said Sam.
"What for ?"
"Do you think I'm going to waste
half an hours valuable time sticking
court plaster over your face and not get
paid for it ?"- Teas S.tthags.
wArERY COMPLIMENT.
Fair Tragedienne-"Ands so you liked
my performance ?"
Gallant Admirer-"Oh, it was the
very acme of tragic art But I am al
most sorry went; I caught such fear
full cold"
"Cold ] why, the room was warm"
"Yes; but the floor was so damp"
''Indeedi What could have caused
that ~
"The tears"
She gave him a free ticket for the
season.
A GRINDING MONOPOLY.
"Wby, Jones, what stranger you
are. Where have you been SO lopg?"
81 haven't been able to be out for the
last two years. You see the party for
whom 1 have been working does not
deem it proper to allow his workmen
outside the building"
ga grinding monopoly. No wonder
you left them. For whom were you
wurking?"
"For the State"
"Oh, goodbye. Items Sitings.
DAVE WAS ELECTED.
"Well, Dave, you got elected, after
all, didn't you?'
eyes, did"
1T was mighty tight squeeze,
though, wasn't it ?"
sIt was. for fact.
ssTook a heap of hard work, didn't
it"
"No, not such an awful sight, but it
e H.