The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-05-28
n-ss WIT AND HUMOR. saw

tasA-Ae WIZ AND HUMORs ESN
In the Spring the busy housewife gets herself
In the Spring the weary husband bounces
round from room to room,
Round and round he vainly wanders, looking
for q vacant spot
where there is no dustpan shining and the
scrubbing brush is not;
Looking vainly for his breakfast, with very
Till at last he seeks the pantry for a piece of
Longing ls ToF The the happy mornings when the
Upward from the genrous kitchen, promising
Boston Budget
Where are you going, my pretty
tmaid?' ''Well, between you and me
aud the town pump I'm
Going to the skating-rink, SIR she said;,
and what to do there, my pretty maid?'
wave BOTH heels into the ar sa AFRAID
Then Then wont go with You. my pretty maid
NWell, not this present S evening. ny lord
-Somervile Journal.
The expression Thank my starsr'
is rarely heard from the mouth of a
theatrical manager. We do not pretend
TO know why; we simply state the fact.
Boston Transcript
A Philadelphia woman says she was
kissed by ghost at a seance. This
goes to show that Philadelphia ghosts
are not SO particular in some respects
as most people. SomerUilie Journal
MRS. Langtry is playing The School
for Scandal" in London. Let us see.
Didn't Mrs. Langtry play something
very similar to that in the United
States? Or was it Freddy?-Cincin1sdti
Enquirer.
Fat man (who is in something of an
hurry)-"Pll give you s. to get me to
the station in three minutes" Cabman
(with provoking slowness)- ''Well,
sorr, you might corrupt me, but you
can't bribe that horse.
Father, dear father, come home
with me now," spoke the thinly-clad
little girl, "fur if you don't nanny
says she'll come to the saloon herself
and lead you home by the ear agin. y
kentucky State Journal.
When Mrs. Pinaphor read that
mill operator in Philadelphia had
thousand hands," she looked little
credulous, and then quietly observed
that lit must cost him an awful lot of
money for gloves. "-NoTTistoa0n Her.
aid.
The Nun of Kenmare has founded 8
new order whose object it is to train
girls for service and domestic pursuits.
The first lesson of the infant class
should relate to the folly of using kero-
sene to light fires .-BurliagtOn
Free Press.
In Prussia servant girl often stays
with family as long as forty years.
This can only be accounted for by the
fact that the northern part of the
country is so cold that she is satisfied
with one evening out of each week.
Boston Post.
Who has not felt his mouth water as
visions of his grandmother table came
before his eyes-the brown bread and
beans, the golden pumpkin pies, the
big twisted doughnuts, and the rich
coffee favored with real cream?-Aa-
susta (Me.1 Journal
.sSee here, Dan Lamont, you'll be
kind enough to send all perfumed and
pink paper correspondence in my
brother Groyers mail to my room. I'll
attend to that branch of the President s
office work. You hear me, DAMP
Fall RiUer Advdnce.
The ruling passion is illustrated at
many odd moments. Birch. the negro
singer, was speaking of the funeral of
his associate, Backus: "Were there
many present, BillyP" '.Many present."
exclaimed Birch. ''why we turned 'em
away before the first hymn
Ardent lover-'I have called, sir, to
ask your permission to pay my address
somewhat deaf Pay for dressesP
Why, certainly, my dear sir. Here are
the bills" He gave one glance at
them and then fed Philadelphia Call.
There is a landlord out at theMission
90 mean that he raised poor woman's s
rent the other day because he found
she could borrow corn-meal from the
woman across the way He says it isn't
the house so much as the location that
comes high nowadays.-Sam Francisco
Post.
Babbett Irvine was recently examined
at Galveston for a license to practice
law. I'm order to constitute last will
what is essentjal?" asked the lawyer
who was questioning the applicant.
"a corpse aud some property is all
that is necessary" was the reply
Teas SiJfings.
How did you feel?" man was
asked after telling how he was caught
by the coWcatcher Of locomotive and
thrown over the smoke stack into the
render. We'll, I didn't like it, al
though l must say / was very much
taken up with it at first" he replied
--NeU York Journal.
In New York, Philadelphia and other
Eastern cities is a movement for the
reduction of prices of admission to
amusements. There is prospect that
the time will come when the young
clerk may take his girl to the theatre
without the sacrifice of whole weeks
salary.-Ciacinndt Commercial Ga
&stte.
In cleaning up the Elite Theatre re-
Gently full seS of upper teeth were
swept out into the street. 1t might be
interesting to speculate as to what
elderly gentleman lost this portion of
his machinery, and what feature of the
performance caused his ordinations
OF aroused his enthusiasm. .-Sacra-
mento (Cai.) Union.
Doctor (who has been sent for at
a. m. )-"Madam, pray send at once
for the clergyman, and, if you want to
make your will. for the lawyer"
Madam (harried)-'Good gracious! Is
it 80 dangerous, doctorP" Doctor
Not bit OF it; but don't want to be
the only fool who has been disturbed
in his sleep for nothing."-M Y SAM
In an illustrated story now running
in our exchanges there are two pict-
ares. One represents young woman
asking man, Basil, have you seen
the London papers?" The other repre-
rents the young man lying dead ON the
ground with newspaper grasped in
his hand. From this we infer that she
alluded to the London comic papers
Nes0 York Graphic.
A prominent divine who was to Off
ciate at wedding, finding himself and
congregation in the church considera-
bly, in advance of the bridal party,
asked that some one should strike up
hymn to improve the time. A good
brother started off, just as the bridal
party entered, with the hymn begin