Bridgeton pioneer., 1885-10-01
HIS FIRST FUNNY LECTURE,

OracularlY, the other evening; but in
my younger days | used to frequently
indulge in that plan of money-mak-
ing"
did you enjoy it much?' politely
inquired young Mr.. Badger.
"Yes, very much at first; but after
awhile it began to pail on me. This
thing of travelling ten months in the
year, sleeping at country taverns six
nights out of the week, and in the cars
the other night grows tiresome after
the novelty wears Off"
What subjects did you treat upon"
again interposed Mr. Badger.
"A number. When | first started
out, it was to deliver temperance
lecture in Kentucky; but didn't keep
it up very long. Five nights satisfied
Inc. | didn't mind having cabbages
and eggs thrown at me, because | was
getting $75 a night; but no such sum
of money could hire me to be target
for shot-guns and revolvers for more
than one night in the year. 1t was so
foolish of them, too, because | wasn't
any more temperance man than they
We're. After gave up temperance |
accepted another engagement as hui
morist. had often told funny stories,
and my friends had told me that |
might make an everlasting reputation
n 9 hI,rpnrc11S 1aaft1rar =
''It is a different thing to deliver a
humorous lecture from merely giving
your audience a scientific or temper
ance talk. Until you enthuse your
audience you are in agony. Your
tongue cleaves to the roof of your
mouth, and you feel the way a fool
looks. But when once you get the au-
dience warmed up then all is easy, and
if you had notes enough YOU could go
on talking until midnight. 1t occurred
to me that it would be a good thing to
make lecture of my recent expert
ence in the temperance field. So did
SO. The first town | ever delivered it
in was Cairo. Ill. The audience was
not large, but that didn't disturb me-
was satisfied to have anyone | could
try it on. The hall was large, gloomy
room, and the echo was nearly strong
enough to knock me down. l think
there were about five hundred people
in the front seats when | left the COM
mitteman in the dressing room and
stepped out on the stage. There
wasn't a single familiar face in the
house. That encouraged me. | was
afraid some of my temperance hearers
might have come across the river. In
the front seat l noticed tall man with
red face, and hair that stood up like
the rays in halo. He nodded to me
pleasantly, and began.
Il fixed my eyes on him, and deter
mined that l should make an impress
sion on him, and then the conquest of
the whole audience would be compare
lively easy. read a page or so of my
manuscript without attracting the
slightest effort at applause. But the
red-headed man nodded to me ap-
provingly again when l stopped to
take drink of water, and | continued
bravely. After another ten minutes a
man in the back part of the hall got
up and went out, and a sharp-nosed
woman yawned so widely that she at
tracted general attention throughout
the house. The red-headed man still
sat impassionately in the front seat,
and when | stopped for more breath
and another drink of water, he smiled
at Inc encouragingly and applauded
gently. So | went on-a little mourn
fully, it is true, but not altogether
AT the end of my first hour five
men had left the room, and two others
whose wives wouldn't let them go out
fell asleep, and l grew desperate. l
determined to give them little pathos,
and see if that wouldn't melt them.
Accordingly l launched out with a
touching story l had once read, and
grew so eloquent over it that tears al
most choked my utterance. All the
effect this had was to provoke a still
greater drowsiness on the part of the
audience, and hastily winding up my
remarks, l bowed to the house and re-
turned to the dressing-room to give
vent to my feelings. When the COM
mitteeman called around, l remarked:
This is a nice town. You can ad-
vertise for lecturers from now until
doomsday, but you'll never catch me
again.
The man stared at me wondering
ly. and ] began to cool down"
" Your remarks were very good,
Maj, Bings,' he replied, coolly; as
far as they went; but was rather dis
appointed in your illustrations. Why
didn't you bring your stereopticon with
your
8 'Stereopticonr l answered in sur,
prise. Why, l am not a magician