Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1885-06-13
Van SIyck.

an acquaintance with me. He belongs
to one Of the proud old Knickerbocker
families, that helped sWindle the In
dams out of Manhattan Island. Van
Slyck is a very clever fellow in his
way. He is certain, in his own mind,
that the New Workers are the smartest
people in existence, and also that he is
the smartest among all the New York
ers. He IDEAS not think, but knows
positively that it would be impossible
for Omnipotence itself to make New
York any more perfect than it is al
ready. He suspects that you are ig-
nOrant of all this, hence he reminds
you often, whenever he has q chance.
Van Slyck has not got very exalted
opinion of Texas or Texans, but he
was kind enough to inform me that he
obtained that unfaVOrable opinion be-
fore he ever became acquainted with
me. believe he was introduced to
Gibbs, the genial freight agent Of the
Sunset route, some years ago when he
was on a visit to New York. 1 think
have partially succeeded in remOv-
inc the prejudice in Van Slyck's
mind, but he has great deal to learn
yet.
As we walked down Lexington ave-
nue., Van SIyck, who was full of life
and hope, he having had several hot
whisky punches, discOursed about the
advantages New York had over the
rest of the planets, and he was par
ticularly severe on the Lone Star
state.
Nothing in the world could induce
me to live in Texas. I would never
feel safe for moment. would always
be under the apprehension that some
thing dreadful was going to befau me.
I'd be afraid of the cow boys" said
Van Slyck.
II don't think you would be in any
danger from the COW boys, but you
might run risk of the COWS trying to
eat you up on account Of your green
ness.
There is no security for human life
In Texas. There is no telling what
might happen to me, said he, paying
no attention to my insinuatiOn that he
was a greenhOrn.
Human life is very secure in New
York, replied. ''YOu never hear of
any murders or rObberies. Nobody
ever gets run over, or dropped off the
Elevated road
IF was in Texas would be afraid
to walk on the streets on account of
the desperadOes. "
'TheY are not so dangerous"
''And then the people in Texas can
not possibly have the culture and pol
ish peculiar to New York -
cts just as you say. The people of
New York like polish. That's the rea-
son they 90 to Madison Garden to see
Sullivan and some other rufIian polish
each other of. F"
''Here in New York. - continued Van
SlYck, paying no attention to my
home thrust, "every precautiOu is
taken to protect life and property.
You are just as safe on the streets as
you are in your own house. You may
walk the streets for a hundred years
and never"
I looked around to see what had
checked Van Slyck's flow of elOquence.
Really his flow of eiOquence was not
checked at all, but it had merely
drifted into another channel.
"TlI sue this Internal city for
$50, 600. 0, but I'll make the bloom
ing corporation sweat for this.
Van Slyck had suddenly changed
his position. He was down on the
side walk. One leg was doubled up
under him, as if it was made of India
rubber while the other was out of
sight down in a coal hole. Judging
by the expression of his face he was
not enjoying himself very much. He
had needlessiy trOdden upon the cover
of a coal hole, and it, like the worm
which was trOdden on, turned, and
down he went, barking his shin very
severely, and splitting his coat all the
way down his back. The suddenness
of the incident was surprising. I was
not as much surprised as 1 was when,
on one occasion, L saw the editor of
the HOustin Age pay for beer that he
had ordered. That did make me
catch my breath.
1 helped Van out Of his difficulty.
His leg was not broken. which was
something unusual in Il coal hole &C
cident. AS ageneral thing the man
who falls into a coal hole breaks both
legs and Injuries his spine. I picked
up Van Slyck's hat, and having busted /
it, put it back on his head. His nose
bled from the shock, and he was lame
all over with tho exception of his
tongue. with which he made the air
blue with profanity.
There are no coal holes in Texas -
1 remarked, busting him of, but he /
was too busy rubbing himself. in sew /
sral different places, and talking down /
through the hole to the wooden head !
ed idiot. who had left it open. The |
latter talked back. From what he /
said 1 infer that Van Slyck's ancestors !
we're not as respectable as he pretends /
they were. The man down in the coal /
hole threatenedtO come up and break |
every bone in Van Slyck's body, and I /
was afraid he would come out, and |
give Van Slyck another Irish punch. /
AS it was he threw diatribes and 4
chunks of coal at Van Slyck through /
the coal hole.
The people in the house came to the /
window to see the fun. They laughed /
heartily. they were somewhat disap- |
pointed that Van Slyck had not broken |
ais neck. Van shook his fist at them, I
but / cOmfOrted him by saying: