The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1885-12-18
Berwick.


house scattering the mud off your boots on
the clean carpets. Splitting all about you
where you sit. Talking loud enough to
drown thunder, as II the person you were
talking to was stone deaf. Tramping over
the floor as heavy as horse on a barn
floor. Wait till you get TO the table to
bring up and discuss some filthy and nau-
scous subject. 1t helps digestion. Have
rude children that climb all over you and
ask all sorts of questions. Scare your
children into corner to dry up and wither
when stranger enters. Peddle around
your troubles as huckster woman brawls
out "clams for sale" Other people have
no troubles of their own and you can en-
Go to sacrament on sunday and cheat
somebody on Monday. Wear the cloak of
religion to give you business success.
Borrow money from somebody ard pay
back promptly, till the last borrow; borrow
big then and never pay back. Be rude and
insulting in all you say and do; it makes
you popular. At:thc table dip your knife
into the several dishes, as spoons have
never been discovered yeti other people
like to eat after you. Be the last to go to
church, wade up through the aisles all can
behold you, and you make sensation.
Attend to the business of others and neg
lect your own. Give advice when not
asked. Thrust your opinion upon others,
as it is very important it will take Crit
icise your neighbors, as you have no.faults
of your own. If you have no time to
read respectable authors and newspapers,
go around and gossip. Look over some
body's shoulder and read what he is writ
ing. If you are reading and somebody
else alongside of you, be sure to read
aloud to that person, so that he cannot
read, and what he is reading is of no i'm
portance, ard no difference how interested
that person is in what he reads. Always
make the Ego" resound. l think this,
think that. 1t is all important that you
should take the front and save the world.
Have your children behave themselves on
the streets as If they were prowling
wolves or maniacs let loose. Keep the
windows and doors of crowded churches
and halls Theoretically sealed and breathe
over and over again the breath of others;
it is healthy. Always render yourself con-
spicuous upon all occasions. Do all the
talking in company; give nobody else a
chance to put word in edgeways." The
Almighty put you here for that purpose.
"Knowedge.is power, ,"hence always know
more than anybody else, and back 1t up
with unblushing assurance and ldogmatic
perseverance. Hair uncombed, ears dirty,
black hands and finger nails in mourning,
are objects of beauty and ornaments to So
ciety. The ocean yoars, the winds howl,
and hence you should always be raising
racket. The way to do it is to call some
one liar, strike at him, SANDER his family,
and get soundly thrashed. Discredit
the church as if that were Christianity's
fault. Rush along to perdition and join
the hypocrtes there. Pick out the faults
and foibles of your neghbors, but never
mention their redeeming qualities, like the
COW and the buzzard that fly over every
clean thing to get at "a oarrion. Depreciate
everything outside Of yourself; preserve
yourself intact. Go elsewhere to buy your
goods, and always talk disparingly of your
town. it helDs to build it up.
The Troubadors here last week rendered
oxnnllapt and fpa INN
sion. The audience was not large, but
appreciative. They talk of returning in
the Spring. They will receive splendid
welcome.
We cannot say the same of the show and
the parties that held forth last Friday night.
1t was first-class humbug. These trav-
cling humbugs should be- suppressed by
law and not be allowed to rob the people
of thei' money,
Our new bridge tender, Heller, is giving
good satisfaction.
Some talk of the Salvation Army Of
Bloom visiting Berwick. AS they have
done so much good there it is to be hoped
that they will visit us ere Spring.
Josenh Blank killed hog last week
that weighed 450 pounds. 400-pound hogs
have been quite frequent this season here
abouts.
Those shoes and boots that Drum turns
out in Newtown are of excellent quality.
There are more bowling dogs in town
than any use for. If some of them were
dispatched it would be blessing.
We mistated last week about the Y. NJ.
G. a. hall. 1t supplies its own gas and is
well lighted.
]. w. Cooper is turning out some very
neat harness.
The Hoyt house has had over 100 guests
during the last two weeks.
That house opposite Isaiah Bowers store
is almost ready to be placed upon its foun-
dations. 1t has been some time moving
from Front street.
a new saloon has opened in Nescopeck
well stocked with good eatables.
We count several new buildings in New
town.
A grander view OF the river cannot be
obtained than above the bridge.
Tailor Hertz has been turning some
nobby suits lately.
The revival still goes on in the NJ. Z.
church.
The pipe business has become one Of
the permanent enterprises of Berwick.
Daniel McHenry is getting out lumber
extensively up the river, on the opposite
side.
The Berwick Water company declare
dividends in first week January.
What has become of the talk about a
town clock7
Strong talk of this being an "open Win
ter" Did we eyer hear of one that was
shut up anywhere2
Good prospects of finding coal three
miles north of Berwick. Parties will soon
be on hand to "seologize."
Wheat will be thin next harvest if a
blanket of snow does not spread out pretty
soon.
Notwithstanding the holidays are ap-
preaching, the turkeys will be guillotined
unite ahundantly