Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-04-26
8ILL NYE ON DRUNKARDs.
lie Makes 60 the Public u Fair Proposi
tion.

tioD.
In the matter of temperance, writes
Bill Nye to the San Francisco Ingieside,
l may say that no one would pick mo
out as radical on either side of the
| question. 1t Is my doctrine that the
evil OF intemperance will work its own
destruction VIXEN the proper time
comes. We may get pretty weary
waiting for the day Of our cmancipa-
ton, but 1t is certainly unwse to make
the cause Of temperance obnoxious by
feeding it to the people day times, and
then waking them up in the night to
ask them II they have violated their
solemn obligation. You may convince
a reasoning human being, but you can
not teach him great truth by painting
1t on any board fence in the civilized
world, and then running him into those
board fences till you have smashed his
nose several times, and taught him to
despise both you and the cause you rep
resent.
The above solemn chunk of philoso-
ply was written for me by warm.
personal friend. who told me that when
l got tired of writing mere froth and
| Ao0n anu AOOiIShuCSS tOL buo uiIuSC-
ment Of a sorrowing world, and wished
to put together a few sentences Of sense
to surprise the public with, he would be
tickled to death to come around after
Office hours and write me o few without
charge.
But 1t was not on the subject OF tenn
perance itself that l started out to
speak. l desired to PROFOUND to the
readers Of the Ingieside conundrum
or query. 1t Is this: Why is it that
when man becomes bcastly drunk,
idiotically inebriated. and hilariously
full, he will start out at once with what
remaining strength he may have to
hunt me up and converse with me till
his lower jaw gets loose and fall off on
tho ground with a sickening thndP
Is it because am good-natured. and
show unusual conversational powers,
or is it because the idea Of hunting mo
up and associating with me does not
occur TO man until he is very, very
drunk?
However this may be, it is indeed
chilly day when do not spend an hour
or two in social converse with man
who is uproariously drunk, sleepy
drunk, confidentially drunk, tearfully
drunk, affectionately drunk, maudlin
drunk. musically drunk, incoherently
drunk, sorrowfully drunk, abusively
drunk, politically drunk, oratorically
drunk, admirably drunk, critically
drunk, disorderly drunk, ornamentally
drunk, or just simply drunk.
He may be in q neighboring state
when the wild, ungovernable desire
comes over him to put something in his
mouth which will ultimately steal away
his brains, unless he has taken the pre-
caution to have them concealed about
his person, but in the first stage of his
inebriety he gets ticket to where l
am, and then he goes on with tho de-
bauch. He generally finds me at last,
and he sails up to where l am and be-
gins to converse. 1t seems to me now
that q great deal Of my time is taken
up conversing with parties who meet
me on the street or at stations or in
hotels, and then talk with mo several
hours at q time while under the intlu-
ence Of Intoxicating liquor.
lpresume fifteen hundred men have
held me by the hand and sworn that
everything they had was at my service.
Money, clothes, houses, jewelry, or
anything else they had was none too
good for me. Then they would wiring
my hand again and start to 60 away,
but they would always return and talk
some more. and when l would swoon
and fall over they would reluctantly 90
away. When l ventured to remind
them the next day Of their kind offer to
supply me with funds they most gener-
ally fail to call it to mind. Sometimes
they ask me in an injured tone Of voice
il l expected to hold q man responsible
for all the promises he makes to the in
Vulnerable common fools he meets
while drunk.
So desire to give notice in this pub
lie way that on and after this date l
shall not hold any more open-air COM
munications with common drunkards,
and. as l want to be perfectly fair and
just toward all, am willing to bind
myself in similar way not to try to
converse with sober people while may
be drunk. Now, if there be anything
unfair or unreasonable about this prop
osition am willing to alter it, SO that
no one can find fault with it. Iwant
to do exactly what is right, and do
not require anything whatever Of 9TH
ers that ] am not perfectly willing my
self to submit to.