Sword and shield. (Clinton, Miss.) 1885-1888, 1885-05-23
WIT AND HUMOR.

not always true When it's an air by
Mr.. Wagner, sometimes there isn't any
music at all in it.-Puck.
Uncle We'll, Jimmy, have
you enjoyed yourself to-dayP" Jimmie
mo, haven't. I've had a misera-
BILE day." Uncle John-''Miserable
day? How's that?" Jimmie
Betsy told me to eat all the dinner ]
wanted, and | couldn't"
''Mr. Rossa," said Mr.. Joyce, ''an
English sparrow has built a nest out
side of the office window" IAN En-
glish sparrow" exclaimed Mr.. Rosa,
''that's English cheek indeed. Put
dynamite bomb under the nest and
blow IL up. Boston Courier.
An Australian naturalist is reported
to have discovered that sponges are en-
dowed with nervous system. But
this is no new discovery. Everybody
who has had dealings with him knows
well enough that the sponge has got the
nerve.-B0St0n Transcript
A Poughkeepsie family has jewel of
a servant-girl. The family engaged her
the other day while the master of the
uOuSG WdS dDScuJs w ucu uC 4CbuAnONA
the family were away, and the new girl
refused to let him in. He was only adj
mitted after neighbOr VOuched for
him. HudSon Republican.
Little girl on visit to st. Louis
''Oh, mamma, think this must be
heaven" '.Do you, pet? Why?"
Don't you see, mamma, all the ladies
and gentlemen have wings, but they
are on the sides of their heads instead
of on their backs.' ''Hush, darling.
Those are not wings. ."-BOStOn Post.
The London Literary World propos-
es that person devoted to literary
pursuits shall be called .'literarian."
This does sound ever so much better
than sink singer" !" dispenser of hog
wash," or even ''paste-pot artist"
terms which have been used quite fre-
quently, especially in the classic circles
of the Occident.
''Now, Johnnie said the teacher,
''if your father borrows 800 and prom
ises to pay SO week, how much will
he owe in seven weeks?" Zone hun
dred dollars" said Johnnie. '1'm
afraid you don't know your lesson very
not know my lesson very well" John
ME frankly acknowledged, ''but l
know my father. IN y Times.
Its a boyr young Mr.. Happiday
gleefully shouted as he rushed in and
planked a ten-dollar note down ON the
bank counter; ''the daisiest little fellow
you ever saw. Here, just put this on
deposit in his name, will you? I'm GO
ing to add to it every year and call it
the fresh heir fund" 1t is apt to be
that way with the first. Boston Jour
nal
A lady attended a masquerade ball a
wearing black domino, much to the
disgust of the gentleman who had in
vited her. The excuse she gave was:
''Well. you see, Charlie, my husband,
died only week ago, and it would not
look well for me to appear at such a
public place in anything but black, and
you know people will talk. =
"Will you lend me quarter until l
perfect a plan whereby l can make
millions?" asked tired looking speci-
men of humanity of Nassau street
stationer what is your scheme?"
''Well, I've applied for patent to con-
vert snow shovels into fans, and
As he picked himself out of the gutter he
realized once more he was sent adrift
on the ocean of unappreciability.-
Morning Journal
There is something that has preyed
heavily on my mind ever since our en-
oarement, dear" he said, ''but l am
almost afraid to tell you of it" "What
is it, George?' the young woman ask
ed anxiously. II am somnambullst
20, is that alp" she exclaimed, with
sigh of relief. 81 have always been a
Universalist myself, but of course when
we are made one l shall expect to at
tend your church. ".-New York Tunes
An Ohio paper thus enumerates
some of the crimes and casualties OF
the roller-skating rink: "a New Lis
bon young lady stole her poor old
grandmother's false teeth and paWned
them to raise money to attend the skat-
ing-rink. Two New Philadelphia girls
stole a crock of lard from their cellar
to nav their fares to the rink. Two
Ubrichsville girls bought coffee upon
the credit of the old folks, afterward
sold the same, and purchased tickets 10
the rink.
..The Chinese have got a very ex-
pressive language. said Tom Benton,
of Houston, one morning after break
fast. ''What is there expressive about
it?" asked his mother-in-law, who is an
jncessant talker. Take the word
ken for instance" ''What does Ken
meanP' lit means several things. In
the first place it means a female mouth.
Another meaning of Ken is gate. In
short, anything that is everlastingly
opening and shutting is called Ken. -
IerGs Sittings.
A Paris critic complained that Sarah
Bernhardt in '|Theodora" wore dark
emerald earrings because, he MAIN
tanned, no such stones were known IN
the Byzantine period. This recalls the
criticism of a farmer on Dubufe's pic
ture of adam and Eve," exhibited In
this country some twenty years ago.
The figures he found no fault with, but
the apple did not suit him at all.
..Why,h he angrily protested. thar
warn't no sech apples in them days.
That's a new variety of pippin l intro
duced myself not three years ago.
English as she is spoke" BY foteign-
ers is always amusing, and also as 'she
Is wrote" Here is japanese speel-
men: "Notice. Shoe manufacturer.
Design at any choice. The undersign-
ed being engaged long and succeeded
with their capacity at shoe factory OF
: Isekats. in Toxic, it is now established
in INV liability at aforementioned lot
all furnished will be attended in mod
crate term with good quality. An or
der is acceptable, in receive post, be-
inc called upon the measure, and it will
be forwarded in furnish. U lnova.