Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-02-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

but simply the words: 1.-The Bishop Of
California"
Mr.. Moody's intention. as reported,
found Plumbers Christian Association
in Chicago, indicates that much success
has turned the evangelist's head
Buffalo Express.
At Sunday-school in Syracuse
teacher asked a new scholar, little
girl, what her name was. She replied:
Helen French" An urchin in an ad-
! joining seat sang out: What is it in
English?"
Not long ago Western paper had
! an account of wedding in one column
and of a divorce in the next column.
| The heading of the first column was
1.-The Tie That Binds" and of the
second. The Yoke That Calls"
"Say, Sam. did you see de man about
dat house?" 20, yes, l seed him. and
he glib ME de refusal OBJ de house.
'.How long did he glib you de refusal OF
hit?" "Foreber. He refused to hab
anything to do wild me. "-Terds Syt-
ings.
might l ask who lives hereP" asked
polite gentleman of stranger he met
in front of handsome mansion. Ger
tainly, SIR" as politely replied the
other. "W-ho is it, sir?" "Darned if
know" replied the stranger.-Rtts-
burg Chronicle.
"Clara. that young man winked At
you." remarked young lady to !.
friend in the ferry-house. Indeed!
didn't notice it. l got so used to it
when l tended soda fountain that
don't take any notice of winks now,"
replied Brooklyn Times.
Il don't understand how the rail-
roads can afford to reduce the fare to
cent a mile" .Oh. it's very simple"
They have to make up the loss in
some way" "They do" '.How?"
MAKE the sleeping-car porter divide
with the company. ."-Rochester Post
Express.
You may talk as much as you
please" remarked the irascible man,
'.but let me tel you that consider
your arguments as well as yourself,
beneath my notice. l don't give you
SO murh as a thought" Thope not"
was the response; Il wouldn't have you
bankrupt yourself on my account"
There is a charming absence of cir
cumlocution about the following YER
dict recently rendered by an Arkansas
coroner's jury over the remains OF q
well-known drunkard: The feller come
ter his death by switchin' off from one
kind of whisky ter another. The moral
O. this hear verdick is, don't switch"
Lieutenant: There is nothing like
presence of mind. One day in battle a
| soldier near me had four of his teeth
knocked in by a rifle ball which would
have surely passed through his spinal
column and killed him had he not.
with rare presence of mind quickly
swallowed the ball. -Fiegende Blat-
ter.
Reciprocity. Landlord-'.Have you
any familv?" Intending lodger-'.No."
L-..That's right, for l don't let my
rooms to dodgers with families.
l. L.-.'Have you a family?' l.
Yes; four children" l. L.-'Sorry
to hear it, for never take apartments
with landlords who have families. -
ST. Petersburg Zettung.
Papa" said little Ethel few days
ago, Il have seen a picture that | want
to give mamma, and l want you to buy
it for me when you 60 down town."
but how am to know it?" asked her
father. .'O.you'll know it" said Ethel
confidently. just ask Mr.. Kent to
show you picture of two little child
! rem with dadoes round their heads"
do you know, Fwed, what day of
the month it is to-day?" drawled out
one dude TO another in the New York
Union Club. Il have no ideaw, Chaw-
les" We'll, perhaps you know what
day of the month yethterday WASP"
- carnt remember, Fwed; but last
christmas was on the 25th Of Decem-
ber."-IeraS Sytings.
"My diagnosis of your case shows
me, sill" said young physician, THAT
your constitution has become enfeebled
through overwork You need rest,
absolute rest. to bring back your wasted
energies to normal and healthy condi-
ton. What business are you IMP"
My wife keeps millinery establish
ment," replied the patient feebly.-
Ne0 York Sun.
The gifted rabbit: A smart rabbit,
who was greatly annoyed by Flea.
sought to get rid of his tormentor by
immersing his whole body in bucket
of tar. The Flea was effectually sup
! pressed, but the rabbit looked so much
like a ward hummer for six months
afterward that no one would laugh at
his jokes. Moral-Don't try to stop a
| pimlet hole with a rate post
Where did you get this French
Bible7" asked Smith, taking up book
from Blacks table. Black French
Bible! l haven't got any French Bible.
The only Bible have is the one you
have in your hand Had it ever since
| was married." Smith (holdfng up
| the boo )-'Wnat do You call that but
French?" Black-"By gracious! so it
is. Funny l never found that out be-
forci''
A Concord school-of-philosophy sort
of fellow advises: When you read
Il book. crush the words as you would
| grapes. and suck their meaning out"
The advice may be good, but when you
tackle Walt Whitman's poems you
might crush and crush and sIck and
suck without getting enough meaning
to construct triolet, and besides there
would be danger of getting an eight
cornered word stuck crosswise in your
| throat.-The Judge.
There are nineteen known metals val
ued at over $1,000 per avoirdupois
pound. The most costly is vanadium
which is said to be worth $4,000 per
pound. OF these nineteen metals. only
one is produced or used to any consid-
| cradle extent. and that is iridium,
which is valued at $1,000 per pound.
1t is sometimes, but very sparingly,
used in electrical experiments.