The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-12-24

to govern children ~ III tell you WnaG
we will do, mamma. If Bobby persists
let him 90 to Sunday-school any more"
-Nesc York Times. 10
Minister (iust before church service)-l
ssHow is our worthy brother, Deacon
Smith, getting on, doctore" Physician-
s.He is in a very critical condition. !
was at his house three times yesterday
and once this morning" Minister I
with conoern)-"Indeed! / viii ask
the prayers of the congregation in his
behalf Philadelphia North american.
A dispatch has come to this oSice an
nouncing that the daughter OF the
Compile de Paris is not betrothed to |
brother of the Car. This is very signi-
ficant, it viii be observed, and at the |
same time not at all unmaidenly. We
beg to say to the lady in reply that we
are already married, but will always be
brother to her.-BinghdnstO Repao-
Licaa.
During the alarm of fire last night
some confusion was caused in one OF the
churches by a number of the congrega-
ton hurriedly leaving, which was soon
| auieted, however, by the preacher say
| ing: You Alexandrians will get to a
| hot fire soon enough" After this re-
mark no one left the church till the ser
| vices teflnlnateu.--<de I" t'~'I
| Gazette.
Horse-car conductor (refusing Cana
dian 1o-cent piece with an air OF offend
ed dignity)-'I can't take that" Pas
| senger-'.Why? Conductor-"Because |
they won't take them from US at the Of |
flee" Passenger with feigned sur
prise)-''Good gracious, you don't mean |
to say that if YOU take that from me in
payment of my fare they'll ever see it at
the office, do you?"
Young Featherly-"Of Shakspeare's
plays / think 1 prefer 'Richelieu.'"
Miss -'Er-but Shakespeare did
not write 'Richelieu,' Mr.. Featherly."
Young Featherly with an amused
smile1-"Ah! l see, Miss Clara. You
are one of the few left who believe that
Bacon wrote Shakspeare's plays.
wonder if the question will ever be
satisfactorily settled. "-Nes0 York Times.
Husband-s|The census-taker was in,
dear. He demanded the age of each of
' the family, and was obliged to give
t him YOURS. He said it was the law"
5 Wife (enraged)-"Law! What do l care
e for lawP John Smith, did you tell that
3 man my age?" Husband (hurriedly)-
e Eyes, 1 told him you were 23." Wife
b Cmolliied) -'.Well, suppose the law
9 has got to be respected. "-NeG0 York
= San.
A woman in Vineland, n. j., lives on
nine cents q day, repairs her own house,
carries the mortar used up the ladder,
L and skillfully applies it. We suspect she
e receives about dozen marriage pro-
Is posals every day. With such wife a
q man might devote seventeen hours out
= of the twentv-four down at the corner
saloon explaining how business boom
y could be started. NorristoaDn Herald.
% In Texas hotel-Landlady-':N
IS Winthrop. I've got you a nice bedfel-
low" Intruder-''Yes, stranger, the
Cavortin Cataclasm of Calaveras Canon
is gwine ter bunk with yer ternight.
,e The land1ady says you come here from
- Bosting for yer health and are scared of
Texas desperadoes, but none of them
will come near you when the CavOrtin
t. Cataclasm is in bed with er."-Teras
n SJtings.
J. A certain Methodist preacher of this
g county tells it upon himself that while
!. on his travels recently he stopped a
{. while before shutdown at a house to
~ spend the night, and after entering the
house the dog came in. approached him
good-naturedly, and then, as if he had
V. ascertained who the visitor was, i'm
d, mediately went out and got after the
s. chickens in the yard.-AndersOn rs. c. }
Journal
- Scene-Vestibule of Temple of Alec
hol, Hanover street. Barkeeper-''NO-
u election-day. You can't buy any liquor. VI
% Thirsty citizen-"Then III go for bien'
~ NAL elections" Barkecper-'tAnd there
"a is the special election coming, and after
that the city election. Hang me, if these
elections will let us make cent y
o. Thirsty citizen (huskily)-"Bienni
-, COnfound them, I'll go to make them
" centennialr'-BOstoa Journal.
This" said Farmer Hayseed to bis
- city guest, as he pointed to a large field
s sis where we keep our bull" "And are
at we going in thereP" asked the guest
Eyes, but you need not be afraid He
is as gentle as lamb except when he
a. sees bright red. If you win take this
Ir- through in safety" And the farmer
IS, chuckled softly to himself that night al
as he heard his guest packing his grip
n Rambler.
IN 1t was Sabbath morning in the early
autumn, and the sexton met him in the
vestibule of the sanctuary. ''You appear
to be a stranger, sir; shall ! show you g
seatP Would you like to go down
n front?' Down front, is it? 1 should
D. rather say did! / am the regularly or
te dained pastor of this church, and car
- find the pulpit myself" "He's got 6
~ better memory than l have" was all the
sexton said as he turned away.-LOa0ek
Citizen.
n. The editor of the CGeur dAlene Record
n of Murray, Idaho, is in trouble. Hi
ii. paper appears without title, and be
r. explains: We've got heading. Dc
you want to see it? So do we. It's al
ed Thompson. Subscribe quick, SO we can
r. pay the charges and get it here. 1t il
IN to be hoped that subscribers will come
e in and that the troubled editor of the
Record can get head. He is not the
only man in Idaho who finds it hard
u u work to get ahead
j. A man carrying cross-cut saw and 6
re broad-axe called at the Office of a New
l. York daily paper, few days ago, and
as applied for a position on the artistic
staff He said he was a lumberman
from Wisconsin, had had fifteen years
8. experience in chopping wood, and he
m thought he could hack out few illustra-
y. tons for the paper which would be a
~ marked improvement over those it had
&C recently published. As strange as II
may appear, he was not engaged.
a Brown-'Then you have given up the
- idea of becoming a writerP" Robin
son-''Yes." BIZ thought you had
. all your plans matured; that you were
,: going to avoid prolixity-to write no
/: thing but short, sharp, sententious SEN
y. fences; in short that you were going to
be a regular condenserP" R-''Yes.
that was my plan, and ] attempted to
carry it out" B.-'WellPn R
,: s'Well, set out to write, but I'm blessed
/. if l could think of anything to con-
y, dense"
y ..Mr. Dusenberry. I'm shocked TO see
q. that you viii persist in fishing. It is
3, horrible TO hurt the little things in that
D, way. ] declare I'll not let you bring
any of them into the house, '.Wen,
my dear, guess you are about right. It
is excessively cruel. OF course the re-
= mark does not apply to that pretty little
: South American bird in your hat. Pos
= sibiy it WAS chloroforIned. While it may
!. be wrong to supply the demands of ap-
= petite, it is perfectly right to repond to
: the follics Of fashion. f." '!Mr. Du-
senberry. you're a brute-that's what
= you arer'-P Philadelphia Call
? Residents Of the backwoods of PENN
o sylvania do not relish the appearance of
i too many hunters in their preserves.