News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-01-22
A BATCH OF GOOD THINGS
FOITND FLOATING IN THE HUMOROUS
COLUMNS OF THE PRESS.
In His Own Interest-A Christmas Contri-
bution-A Foolish Question-FulI OF De-
ceit-In n Quiet Way-He Wouid DC "n
Owl, ETC., Etc.

"If you do not at once remit Lne S1UU
you owe our frm," wrote a dun the
other day to delinquent doctor, I'VE
shall be obliged to put the bill into the
hands of lawyer"
"My dear SIR" replied the doctor ur-
banely by the next post, 'if you are
happily acquainted with s'lawyer who is
able to collect $1OO from me beg you
to send him to me at once, for l shall
be glad to employ him in my own in
terest. Chicago Tribune"
SOME OF Us KNOW HIM.
A well-dressed young man was seen to
stare at woman impudently, hail a
street-car imperiously, pay his fare con-
descendingly, seat himself fashionably
and expectorate furiously.
"Who is that distinguished gentle
manP" whispered an awe-struck passen-
ger to the conductor.
And the conductor replied: "He is
the janitor of West Side flat. Mr.
chant Traveller.
FOOLISH QUESTION.
"Lend me your ear a minute" re-
marked Mrs. Brown to her husband the
other evening.
"Wil you give it back to me P" he in
quired with mock anxiety.
''Of course will, you idiot Doyou
snppose want to start a tannery ?"
She got the ear Graphic.
SIZE DIDN'T CARE TO REMEMBER.
'Miss Jonkins, permit me to intro
luce Mr.. Smith.
Miss Jonkins is lady whose alabaster
brow has begun to fade, and whose eyes
have grown dim in vain looking out for
a husband.
Delighted, Mr.. Smith. "
"Why, Mss Julia, what pleasant
surprise. I am sure you must remem-
Der me. 1t is SO delightful to recall
pleasant moments. 1 well remember
our first meeting. We danced together
at ball at Mrs. Jones's in '56. Don't
you remember ?"
But she didn't, and he wondered all
night why she was SO cold and dis tant.
San Francisco Chronicle.
HE WOULD BE AN OWL.
"I wish was AN owl, said the young
lawyer as he gently felt the dimensions
OF her alligator belt.
"Why?" she asked.
Because then I could stay up all
night, you know. DEAR" he replied.
"What would you want to do such
ridiculous thing as that for? she tit.
tered.
"To wit:-To WOO n Pitts6ug
Chronicle.
A SINGLE TERM-Representative Mil
lard, of New York, said to Washington
correspondent that he had no doubt
that in time constitutional amendment
would be adopted limiting the Presi-
Dental term. He is not very hopeful
that resolution offered by him on the
18th inst. will pass at this session.
This resolution proposes an amend
ment to the constitution which provides
that the President shall hold his office
for six years, that he shall not be re-
eligible, and that during the residue of
his life, after the expiration of his
official term, he shall receive $40, 900
per year as pension.
ALL IN A QUIET WAY.
"I wonder the English allow them
selves to be governed by a woman"
said q citizen the other day.
Why not p said another. "America
is governed by women.
Governed by women2 How do you
make that cut ?"
"Why, don't you see, this is a govern
ment Ct the people"
eyes; but the women have no hand
in it. The country is governed by the
men,"
Certainly; and the men are governed
bY the women. ."-B0StOn Courier.
HE WAS JUST LIKE OTHER MEN.
They were coming out of a dime
museum.
81 don't believe that wild man OF
Borneo is wild man at all, " she whis-
pered.
"Why not?' he asked.
"He's civilized just like other men,"
"What makes you think so ?"
Didn't you see the manager pay him
a lot of money!"
Eyes; $50 bill and a lot OF small
bills"
"Well, didn't you notice how careful
the wild man was to fold the twenty
outside ?'-M Chicago NeaOs.
ELooUENcE INDEED.
II hear yot~are highly satisfied with
vour new minister, Brown ?"
Satisfied is tame word to express
our opinion of him. We are delighted
with him"
HE is very eloquent, I understand p
ELOQUENT Why, sir, when he is
preaching he affects the congregation so
powerfully that there is hardly any in
terest taken in the firtations OF the
choir"
| FULL OF DECEIT.
"The world is full of deceit, said old
Mr.. Squaggs, ''and wimmin is mostly at
the bottom of it.
81 know it," said old Mrs. Squaggs;
.it is after a man gets wife that ne De-
gins to practice deceit. II he hadn't a
wife he wouldn't need to lie SO mucn