Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-02-26
WIT AND HUNIois.

/ - &
I'm horn!''
| -Somerville journal.
Oh, the snow, the beautiful snow,
tShut tbs DOOR
Filling the sky and earth below;
t1es. yuu can shovel 1t off for a quarterly
Over the house-tops, over the street.
islo an hour 70 sleigh? Good heavensD
4 over the heads of the people you meet.
tAirest that boy for snow-ballingD
Dancing,
Flirting.
SHINING along
| Hit the poet with leather thong.
Merchant Traveller.
| "Will you walk into my parlor?a
Said the spider to the fly,
" lis the prettiest little parlor
That ever you did spy,
Puts and calls in every corner
And spread eagles on the floor;
VIII you come into my paror?"
Quoth the fly. "Oh, nevermore!"
+. She had been there once; hence
he was fly. Bavtgette.
| Hardly have the echos of the terrible
dynamite explosions died away before
new poem by Tennyson is announced
PHILADELPHIA Call.
''Did the deceased die under susni.
cious circumstances asked Corone,
OF rural witness. '.Naw, he didn't
he died in the water under the ice.''
One half the world doesn't know
how the other half lives; but, in fash.
lonabie society, that isn't because /,
hasn't tried its prcttiest to find out.
Any marriage in New York Cit,
which calls out less than 500 specta.
tors to the church is spoken of as !
gloomy failure. They don't coun,
anything for love.
Mrs. Newgold Gin the picture gallery,
This, Aunt Eunice. is real old mas.
ter. Aunt Eunice-Well, | shouldn't,
care if it was; it's just as good as some
of the new ones.-Lye.
'Ah! you flatter me y lisped dude
to pretty girl with whom he was con.
versing. mo, ! don't" was the reply
You couldn't be any ilatter than YOU
are. - burlington Free Press.
''Pah," asked young Johnnie Jarph.
~ ''what is defaulterP' HE Is !
man who loses money that does moi
belong to him, my SON." replied Mr.,
Jarphly. And what is financier?''
Zone who hangs onto it. hius5urd
Chronicle.
young Artist displaying pieturc)
This painting is entitled Jonah and
the whale. - ..Wherc is Jonahp,
"You notice the rather distended an
pearance of the whales stomach mid.
way between the tail and the neckp''
Yes. That's Jonah. "-Aew YorI
San.
1t would take a wise man TO pene.
trate the subtle and intricate processes
of young woman's reasoning. 81
don't like Mr.. L. we heard one sa,
to another not long ago. "Nhyp''
asked her listener. "Oh, TO begin with
he wears lavender gloves" was The
response, and TO both these petticoated
critics the matter seemed sufficiently
discussed and satisfactorily settled.
Jay Gould's little boy recently wen,
to visit some country relatives. Early
in the morning he arose, and, missing
his uncle. asked one of his cousins
where's Uncle Jabez gonep' Hes
gone to water stock replied Jabez's
little boy. .'What, so early" exclaimed
little Jay Gould. .Why, my pa never
waters stock until he goes downtown
in the city, bout 10 or IL. - ittsbars
Chronicle.
As the porters were gathering the
names of the ladies at the masquerade
last evening. one of the latter entered,
dressed in an elegant costume She
was Immediately approached by pen
cil-iiend. who politely il kcd: Your
name, pleasc?n my name is Miss
Brown What is your charaeter?''
lit never has been questioned. Young
man, YOU are a little TOO fresh. -Sdcra-
naento (Cal. record Union.
1t was at murder trial. A witness
for the defense was on the stand.
"What do you intend to prove by this
witnesspn asked the Judge That
the prisoner is insane, replied the
attorney. docs the witness know any.
thing about insanity? Is he an expertp'
''ExpertP' repeated the lawyer. "Well.
! should say he was. He knows all
about insanity. Why. your Honor, he
has been rs crazy as a loon for the past
ten years.
Mamma said 5-year-old, as he
stood on tiptoe by the bedside and
peered at his new little brother.
where did that baby come from?"
1.-The angels brought him. darling
said mamma. 1.-The angels brought
him?' echoed the shaver rs he gazed
at the wrinkled, fidgcty. red counten-
ance. well, all I've got to say is, if
the angels couldn't a scared up bet
ter lookin' baby they'd better "A kept
him ct home. oil city Blizzard.
.You horrid thing!' said Miss Jaggs
to Miss Minnie Jaggs when they had
Fought their room; '.you actually ate
that biscuit after Uncle Horace had
reached it to YOU on dis own forkr'
.Nell, what of it?" "What of it?
should say what of it! The idea OF
touching anything that anybody else's
fork has been in!o ut DOESN'T make
any difference in Uncle Horace's case. =
why not?' Because he never puts
his fork in his mouth. "-Rockland
Courier.
The story goes that the Russian Gar,
Alexander T., having once heard that
one of his courtiers. to whom he was
strongly attached, had become involved
in debt. sent him a book of which every
leaf was bank bill. A few days later
the two met at court ball. ''Well,
Count" asked the Gar, chow do you
ike nv book?n Il am delighted with
the first volume, Your Majesty" an,
swcred the wit significantly, ''and will
be glad to know when the second il
likely to appear.
An Albany gentleman, who broke a
rule of the Associated Charities by
giving aims on the street, tells an in.
stance which gives curious comment
airy on human nature. Apoor woman,
with child, met him and said: 20
sir. you are rich and happy, and
should be perfectly happy if | could
only have So for the children at home.
The gentleman said: well, if IS car
make any human being perfectly
happy here it is The woman, Selling
it, replied: 20 | wish had said tent
A traveller in Nebraska noticed at
small station that the men collected OF
the platform all wore u most detected
| look. Their >ubdued manner and sor.
rowful appearance indicated that ;
| serious disaster had occurred. ..What',
| the trouble?" he asked through the
car window; "a lot of people muir
| dcrcd?" ..No, stranger; it's worse I
that" said citizen. The White
| Elephant burned down las night ;
What's the White ELEPHANT" '.Hit
war the only likeer store in town
stranger detroit Post.
He was a college graduate and wen
out to one Of the Territories to reform
Western journalism. In the first issu,
| OF his paper he stated that prohi itior