The Pulaski citizen. [volume] (Pulaski, Tenn.) 1866-current, 1885-05-14

controllaDle weeping that lasts the
entire day, and the groom is mad
enough to inaugurate a little mas
sacre "a la Khartoum) of his own
among the employees of the whole
American news company-from the
Insignificant trainboy upto its au-
gust president.
Never put your head out of the
window while the train is in mo
ton. By so doing you will get
yourself very much disliked by the
freight train conductor, who is put
to the trouble of scrubbing your
CORY brains of from the corner of
his new and gaudily painted yellow
misunderstanding on a side track
close to the main line. Besides,
you are liable to damage the rail
roads company's property by swip
ing off the top of switch, or knock
ing an abutment out from under a
bridge with the psychological por
ton of your anatomy.
If you weigh about three hun
dred pounds avoirdupois, always
buy an upper berth in a sleeper.
On retiring make loud remarks re-
lative to the dimsy construction of
upper berth fastenings in general;
then toss around in your berth and
make it creak as If it were overload
ed and Observation-Disclosures there is
a pause at some way point during
Right, and the car is otherwise qui
ct. This will impart rapturious
sense of security to the trembling
woman or emaciated male consump-
tive who may chance to be aD occu-
pant of the bunk below.
Don't fail TO take a good, strong
Ratchet along when you start on al
extended trip. You will find it
very useful in the junction restau-
rants at the twenty minutes for re-
freshments" time, in reducing the
sole leather steak, cannon ball bis
cults, and steel rivited pie to an
eatable state. The article also
comes in handy with which to
knock down walters who bring you
seventy five cent checks for fifteen
cent meals.
There is a little amusement in
the engineers rapid transit exist
ence. If you wish to cast halo
of delight about him for once in his
life, just tell some verdant tourist
in the parlor car, who wishes to ask
question concerning the time-ta-
BILE, to pull the bell cord and ring
for the conductor TO come and an
swer it. When the presiding genius
of the throttle valve has brought
the train to a standstill, and finds
out there is no danger of a coils
sion on the liEe, and that it was
only a harmless bit of pleasantly on
your part,h will be convulsed with
riOtous cackles of mirth, especially
when he realizes that the delay will
put'him 20 minutes behind schedule
time. He will send his fireman
back, when he reaches the watering
place, to pat you lovingly on the
back with club) and tell you you
are a first class fellow Ito put 10
a home for imbeciles.)
Pay no attention to the placard
on the door: Passengers are not
allowed to stand on platform"
That is a deep laid scheme on the
part of the railroad corporations to
forestall accidents and thereby
avoid payment of consequential
damages, and is a cheeky infring
ment upon the rights of American
freemen, Stay outside by all means
and by lounging on the steps or sit
ting on the sbrake, vindicate your
independence. If you can only
manage to fall off while going
around curve at a mile-a-minute
rate, and break your neck, why
your bereaved family can get a
Judgment for ten thousand or so
against the company, and thus
thwart it in its high hand91 endeav-
or to abridge the liberties with
which you are endowed by an
enlig htened citizenship.
In conclusion:
Before you try to pick the cinder
out of your neighbours EYE while
travelling, be sure aad get the clink-
ers out Of your own.
Never put off getting until tomor-
row what "free passes' you can get
to-day
1t is easier for a camel to go
through the knees of an idol than
for a pair of old lovers to kiss going
through a tunnel-without being
discovered in the act by some
heartless snoozer who'll light a
match.
Who hath woe? who hath con
tensions2 who hath things made
miserably uncomfortable for him en-
route-from the rising OF the sun
until the going down thereof? The
passenger who only "tips" the sleep
ing car porter a dime each morning,
when a half dollar at least is ex-
pected.
IT'S said that a "word to the
wise is sufficient" Well, then, the
above ought to be unabridg
ed dictionary, a morocco-bound cy-
clopadia, and a twenty-five volume
Thesaurus to those whom it con-
oorr, ., Chica0O Weakly