Connecticut western news., 1885-04-22
WIT AND WISDOM.

DOMESTIC puIbulbS-ShhHAhB bhS lah of the house with Q broomstiok.
 TIE fellows who are waiting for the office to seek the man are getting awfully tired.-Teras SJtings.
 IT is n bachelor who always knows how a child ought to be brought up, but he forgot it after marriage.
 FL MAHDI does very well for Egypt, but Niagara hackman makes bigger falls prophets in the season.
 MR. VANoERBILT says that he only lost $12, ,000, 900 last year. This loss would have driven some men out of business.
 IT is much harder work for a man to care for his children an hour and half while his wife is at church than to run fox all day.
 "PA," said young Sevenoff, "what is whisky straight2" "Whisky's trait ?" repeated old Sevenoff; "crookedness, my son, crookedness."
 PANAMA has had four Presidents since the first of January. There is always room at the top iu the politics of Gen. tral American States.
 A SINGER in a Michigan college anx- iously inquires: "Why comes not my lover to me2" Have you thought to chain up the dog, dear girl2
 NEW JERSEY sends wife-beaters to the penitentiary for one year. It doubtless, however, allows their wives to send them goodies during their imprison. ment.
 AN exchange says Bismarck believes that & bald head indicates plenty of brains. On this side of the water bald heads generally indicate the best seats in the parquette.
 WHEN a woman is giving her husband a bit of her mind he should try to imag- inc what it would be like if he was a Mormon and was having seventeen such bits served up to him.
 A NEW book is entitled "How Made Money at Home."' We advise our read CTS to have nothing to do with it. Three men were arrested a few days ago for making money at home.
 ION Monday last the Vassar College girls took observations of the sun. [" Well, it is a dark day when the girls don't take observations of the son-if they get the opportunity.
 A BROOKLYN clergyman says that liquors may soon be sold in skating rinks, and then "the result will be dis astrous." We should say SO. It is hard enough for sober man to stand up.
 A BEGINNER in Latin was asked to translate a sentence which, properly rendered, would have read, "Honey redolent of age." But he preferred the freer translation, "This honey smells like time"
 PRoFEssoR at Columbia: cone can. not taste in the dark. Nature intends us to see our food" Student: "How about a blind mans dinner2" Profes- sor: Mature has provided him with eye teeth, sir"
 THE Buffalo girls have gone crazy over the good fortune predicted for them by fortuue-teller. Fortune-tell. CTS cannot be too careful about leading young girls to believe they will marry newspaper men.
 AN exchange advertises for "good, upright boiler" Boilers whose moral character is entirely above aspersion are scarce. There is apt to be too much oI the "total depravity of inanimate things" about them.
 "YoU ought to come and see us every evening, Mir. Trotter." "Why, Johnny ?'' Because it makes sister Rosa so happy to have you go away. You ought never to miss an evening"" They missed Trotter for the rest of that evening. AN impatient Postmaster who some time since rendered his resignation writes to the department saying: ''I warn you now that if you don't relieve me by next Saturday night I'll pack up this concern and ship it down to Washington by ex- press, O. o. D."
 THE wise youth does not care so much for the ability and grace with which his darling can glide around on roller skates if he is satisfied that she knows how tC maui baking of dough into good bread or can artistically chase boiled shir over @ wash-board.
 AN officer in the Twenty third Regi ment laughed at a timid woman becaus' she was alarmed at the noise of the shan battle in Prospect Park last fall. H' subsequently married that timid woman and last night he took off his boots il the hall when he came in late.
 "WHAT did the sparrow do yesterday ? asks poetess. Well, dear, we think h followed out his usual scheme, which to-get up at 4 a. m.-hop around in tn gutters-quarrel with his neighbors- dig bait, not for fishing, but for amuse ment-take a bath in the puddle-quai rel the rest of the day-and retire Q about 6 p. m. If you have any nor curiosity as to what he did you will hay to apply somewhere else, as this is a the information we can give you. An Unfortunate People.