davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
The Judges Grim Joke.

A friend repeated rather a good
story to me yesterday, which was
wont to be q standby of Justice Por-
ter's. the well known bon vivant OF
Dublin.
It was concerning a rare old Irish
Judge on the Northwest Circuit, who
loved the hunting field better than
he did the stupid. sleepy court
room. His clerk was like-minded,
and a joyous pair they made.
One fine morning the clerk whis-
pered TO the Judge:
Yer honor, old Billy Duane meets
to-day at Ballykilimulligan. an they
have a fine fox-dog."
How many's in The docket ?"
said the Judge excitedly.
Twenty, for rioting and breach
of the peace, yer honor.
Tim said the Judge. do you
think YOU can get the first fellow to
plead guilty without a jury trial,
and let him off with week in jail p
The easiest thing in the world"
said the faithful clerk
Make haste, then, and bring the
whole gang; and ] say, Tim. tell
Jerry to saddle the mare mean
while"
The twenty Fenians were brought
into eourt-a defiant gang, nineteen
of them prepared to fight with the
counsel and the jury to the bitter
end.
The twentieth had been interview
ed by the clerk.
He was called off by the clerk.
Guilty or not guilty of the crime
charged ," demanded the ejudge with
propitious smile.
Guilty. yer honor God help me"
said the crafty prisoner.
Well said the Judge, planeing
benevolently around the room. 1
fancy / can let You OFF with about
a week.
There was terrific sensation
among the other prisoners. Why,
none Of them expected to get off
with less than FIVE years in limbo.
Here was a chance TO profit by
his Honor's pleasant mood. One
and all manifested an earnest de-
sire to follow their comrade and
acknowledge their crimes in batch.
"Do you all plead guilty." de-
manded the Judge, eagerly.
1--WE do" shouted the enthusias-
tic nineteen in chorus.
Fourteen years imprisonment
apiece ?" exclaimed the Judge with
a click of the jaw-"Jerry, Is that
mare saddled yet."-GIoJe Democrat.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
Important TO Pensioners.

A case was recently decided in the
Clearfield county court which Is Of
importance to pensioners w. W.
Walsh a pensioner. deposited gov
eminent check for 800 in the Clear
field bank, and shortly afterward an
attachment sur execution was issued
attaching s225 of the amount. Judge
Krebs decided that pension money
could not be so attached, and in set
ting aside the attachment quoted
the following from the 4747th section
of the revised statutes: ~No sum Of
money due or to become due to any
pensioner shall be liable to attach
ment, levy or seizure by or under
any legal or equitable process what
ever, whether the same remains with
the pension Office or any Office or
agent thereof. or is in course of
transmission to the pensioner enti-
tied thereto, but shall insure wholly
ia the benefit OF such pensioner."
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
Disturbed the Peace.

George Schmidt, you disturbed
the peace
"Vhell, | like to know how daI
vhas 7n
"You were making great noise OF
a public street"
Il vhas calling my dog, shudge
If / call him in a whisper he doan
come to me-"
sOfficer how was it ?"
"Oxcuse me, shudge, but my dog
vhas halt mile away, und if doan
whoop. how shall he know | like to
see him ?"
"Mr. Schmidt, you must teach
your dog to come without whoop'
ing"
"Oxactly, shudge. puvs a fog
horn und he comes when / blows fol
him."
Il shall fine you &c."
"You vhill? Why / take SO for de
dogl
Makes no difference. Cash down
or up you CO."
"Vhell. ! pays der money und
goes home and kills two dogsl II
dis vas some shustice Oh me | kill
more ash ten dogs TO get even, und
doant somebody forget himl"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
Sanctified People.

There IS a good deal of solid truth
in the remark we heard the other
day, that ''some people imagine
they are sanctified when they have
only a bad case of liver complaint.
These people throw a gloom about
every thing with which they come
in contact. making hopeful, Jolly
people look upon religion as an
awful thing to be possessed OF. They
make every one blue" like them
selves. They march up and down
the world like a funeral procession.
On Sunday they never open their
houses shutters, and the flies that
happen TO De in their homes are
ever impressed with the appalling
situation and fear to walk the cell
ings They sing Earth is a Desert
Drear. and such other God-forsak-
en- hymns, and no smile ever crosses
their eyes. They look upon laugh
as a sin only INDUCED in by very
wicked people Any expression of
JOY upon the part OF the members Of
their households would be rebuked
severely as most ungodlv. This is
not Christianity. If Christ did weep.
he certainly also laughed. Chris
tians. of all others, should throw off
the funeral Grape. They should be
joyful, full of life, full of happy
thoughts. The earth should not be
looked upon as a desert drear. Peo-
pie who cannot enjoy the beauties
of this life and of the earth, will not
be allowed to walk the golden streets
of heaven looking as solemn as an
undertaken. Their religion is not
skin deep. He is the fun loving.
happy man with good digestive or
gans who is the Christian. There is
no such thing rs gloominess in the
true Christian religion, either on
Sundays or week days.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
TO A NEW BRIDE.


You little guess the lonesomeness that's com
ing Ger my life,
When you have left the farm and me to bs
viii Jchnson's wife
But suppose my mother felt just so, when
from her side,
Your father came one summer day to carry
home his bride.
All. me- how happy had l been if Provi
dcnce had spared
Ny good old man to see tins day, and all
my feelings shared;
But. then, would not bring him back, not
even if l might,
Nor change one crook that's in my lot, for
what God does is right
But as | sit alone and think, ! see some
things I'd change:
might have made him happier; then do
not think it strange
III should speak some warning words to
save yon, if may,
From making ihoughtless, sad mistakes, TO
bring clouds DER your way.
So Just remember, Hannah. dear, that,
though you're pretty bright.
1t may be very possible you'll not be always
right;
Perhaps when you are fretting Ger some
other body 5 sin,
You'll find that the fault was all your own
If Won vonId look within
As when we washed the window panes to-
gether face to face,
So that the smallest spot or stain would find
no resting place.
You would insist however hard to make
you see tired.
That every spot was my fault when twas
really on your side.
And, Hannah, oh be patient if you find
VIII sometimes slow.
Your wits fash ont like lightning streaks,
as swirl to come and go;
Now, lightning Is handy thing in stormy
nights, It's true,
But after ali steady SHINE is kind o useful
tDD
And if there's any difference comes 'twixt
your good man and you,
Don't stop TO ask whose fault it is; the only
way to do
Is just 10 take the thing in hand and try
with all your might,
Before it grows TOO big to change, 10 fix il
up all right.
You know the dough, when first It's set, is
nodded as We viii,
But when It's baked. we cannot change its
shape for good or ill;
So now, when you are starting out in your
new home, is jus,
The time TO see what ways you'll set to
harden into crust.
But, dear, you'll not succeed alone. no mat
ter how you try;
You'll have 20 go down on your knees and
ask help from on high,
We soap and rub, aud boil and rinse, but af- |
ter all, you know,
Ii takes heavens sun to make the clothes as
white as new fall'n snow.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
The Value Of sleep.

Take enough sleep in the fore part
of the night, If possible. Midnight
oil'' is great humbug and health
destroyer. Sleepl IL is natures
time TO carry on the process Of asssm-
ilati0n-to manufacture food into
blood and and blood into heaithful
tissue. The time for repcse 10 the
time for the repair Of waste. A man
is taller in the morning than he Is
at nightfall the brain is clearer, his
step more elastic, his nerves steadier,
his muscles more energetic. Give
children plenty of sleep. Put them
to bed early. Shut out the glare of
gas, and resist the appeal to sit up"
to go to night parties, night concerts,
night Sunday-school exhibitions,
night meetings. Send them to bed
al bed time and give them sound
sleep, sound nerves, and sound con-
stitutions. Night air Is bad. Ma
lariss are abroad, is there no kindly
sun to dispel the noxious vapors
and war upon the deadly yenoms.
Sleep in the upper stories, in the
largest rooms in the house, and the
best ventilated. Let a child have
its sleep out IN the morning. Never
wake it till it wakes OF Its own ac-
cord. Some young men and wom-
en- have to get up at six to go to en-
ployments. 1t will not do for such
10 sit up till eleven or twelve o'clock
the night before. Sleep till the eyes
open OF their own accord. Ii is hard
for boy or girl to be called to dress
and go about business when the tiT-
ed sleepy and unrested eyes fell as If
they were full of sticks
Different persons require different
amounts of sleep. Some want SIX
hours, some seven, some nine. Gen
eral Grant wanted nine, and said, at
the siege of Vicksburg, he could get
but seven and it almost killed him.
John Wesley found that he could
do with six, and fixed his hours of
rest between 10 and 4 /; and, by ex-
ample and not by precept, put the
whole Methodist preaching frsterni-
ty into the same inexorable straight
jacket. John Wesley thus became
the author of fearful waste of life
and energy. He killed of whole
generations of preachers, who un-
dertook to sleep six hours because
the exceptional bundle of animated
iron wire could do with six. The
strong require much sleep, the weak
and feeble much more.
Sleep should be graded by periods
of life and perhaps by temperaments
but no one mans experience Is
guide for another. The average has
been given as follows: The infant
sleeps twenty hours and wakes four;
the old man wakes twenty hours
and sleeps four; ia middle life sew
en- to nine hours sleep are requisite
to keep uD the balance between waste
and supply. Nervous persons find
it difficult to sleep. Such should
nurse the hours Of rest with great
care; avoid tea, coffee and stimu-
lants before retiring avoid hard ex-
citing studies of an evening; avoid
Of all kinds, and court
quiet, music, genial conversation,
and soothing emplo }meut or medi-
iation. Above all, 90 TO sleep when
the first ut OF drowsiness comes on.
Reused out of that, one may lie
awake for hours, and roll and toss
and not be able to entiee sleep to the
uneasy pillow.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19

This name is 50 familiar with the
people throughout the United States
that it is unnecessary to state that be
is the originator of the great DR.. Bo-
sanko Cough and Lung Syrup, the
favorite remedy, wherever known,
Tor coughs. colds, consumption and
all affections of the Throat and
Lungs. Price so cents and s1.00.
Sold by C. N. Boyd.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
What he Would Lsok Like.

"What do you suppose I'd look
ike if / jumped down ?" said a
slim young fellow to his girl as they
stood looking out of a window in
the steeple of Trinity Church.
Gazing at the youth and then
glancing down on Broadway she re-
piled:
II think you'd look just ike a
gumdrop in desert"
He didn't jump.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
COMPENSATION.

1t was one OF the ioveiiest OF Sep
tember days. Clear and glittering
like the ribbon of silver, the rivel
wound at the foot OF velvet banks
and through fern carpeted dells
where rustic bridges spanned it:
shining surface, and art was sufii
GENTLY cultivated TO allow nature tc
remain undisturbed. In fact as Mr.;
Mountjoy herself complatently re
marked, it would be impossible tc
have had a finer day for her croquei
breakfast, if the whole year had beer
sought through for it.
The grounds were full OF superbly
dressed saunterers. Some few oftht
younger and more enthusiastic de
voted themselves to the theory anC
practice of ball and mallet-somt
danced in the pavilion whose bright
striped awning fiuttered in the breeze
and horns and violins made merry
refrain-some tlirted in the hidder
gloam of foverhanging beech boughs
and some sat on rustic benches and
talked of the beauties of nature.
Mrs. Severance, however, VIA:
more practical than some OF the 9th
ers. She had seated herself in {
shady nook and was languidly par
taking OF iced champagne, pates dt
foie gras, and lobster salad, with hel
boy handsome, naughty little fel
low of s or 8, in a velvet suit anC
buttons of gold.
1T is so crowded in the breakfast
tent" she said, elevating her black
brows. Zone couldn't think OF eat
ing there Claude, dear, will you
have little more wine or a bit Q.
the boned turkey? Really, darling
you have no appetite at all.
"rhe oyster patties ore quite good
dear Mrs Severance" said Mrs
Mountiov, obsequiously. Mrs. Sew
erence, be it known was the great
lady of the occasion. Cant | per
suade you to try one
Say yes, mamma, clamored
Master Claude, whose appetite APP
parently grew by what it fed.on- i
want an oyster patty, mamma y
And the waiter was accordingly
dispatched for the last named dainty
As be disappeared under the shad
ow of the trees a dark faced woman
with great gilt hoops in her ears and
an ouilandish foreign dress, came W
a mandolin in her arms, and tat
tered, big-eyed child following close
at her heels.
Kind lady, good lady she began
in the high pitched, monotonous
tone of her trade, ''let me play you
a bar, and Carita shall dance. Come
Carita !"
At these words the child began to
spring about like small human
grasshopper, the woman twanged
away at her tuneless instrumental and
Mrs. Mountjoy looked Indignantly
around.
Where did these creatures come
from ?"she demanded. How could
they possibly have come in when
there is policeman stationed at the
gate? Saunders. to a servant. put
them out at once"
The woman began loudly to beg,
whine and demonstrate the little
girl with the big eyes stopped dane
ing and scudded behind her mothers
tattered skirts. Mrs. Severance drew
her pearl-colored MORE dress closer
TO her, as if there was pollution in
the very atmosphere, and Master
Claude suddenly cried out:
''She's stole mas embroidered
handkerchief and scent bottle. Look,
Look! its right Under her shawl" !"
The woman turned suddenly
around:
II did not steal it !''said she. ''I'm
no thief l never knew when I
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19

The motto ofthe proprietors of DR..
Henry Baxter's Mandrake Bitters is
s'the greatest good to the greatest
number and so sell a large bottle
of valuable remedy for the small
price of 25 cents, and warrant every
bottle to give satisfaction or money
refunded. For Sale by c. N. Boyd,
the Druggist, Somerset, Pa.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
Bucking ana Gagging.

at was during the ''Seven Days
Struggle in the Wilderness" said
Colonel Taylor to the Lafayette G In
diana Courier, "just after the bat
tie of Spottsylvania. My regimen
1.-The Twentieth Indiana-had mad,
a long march that day, and we haC
come to halt in the evening on th'
edge of the woods, by the roadway
1t was not at all certain that W,
would remain there longer than {
very few moments. | told the mer
to make their coffee and get what
ever rest and refreshments they
could snatch in that brief time. The
guard had been instructed TO let nc
one on horseback through the lines
as it was the habit of stray artillery
men, cavalrymen and mounted or
derlies to come dashing through the
camps whenever they could save
time bysso doing. | had but Just
seated myself near the roadway
when a rider in an old blouse and
slouched hat, with cigar in his
mouth, rode up. AS he passed the
guard, the latter turned and saluted
him. J shouted to the gard:
"Whas were your orders ?"
Not TO let any one on horseback
pass the line.
Then what the devil did you let
this fellow pass through for ?"
He is an officer, Colonel"
"Ofiicer, - He's a nice sort OF
an officer, amt he ?"
"Then turning to the intruder |
said: You are an officer, are you ?
Well, don't you know better than
to ride through a camp of tired aud
weary soldiers ike these are, splash
ing them with mud, and forcing
them to get out Of your way? I've
good mind to buck and gag you
and tie you 10 that tree. Get out of
here you scoundrel y"
"The horseman made no reply
only looking at me and smiled. |
was incensed at his independence
and fired another volley at him,
when ne passed on. The Colonel of
the Thirteenth Maine regiment was
sitting on a log near by laughing fit
to kill. l asked him what he was
laughing at Don't you know who
that WASP he asked. No, / don't
care a continental 1T was Gener-
al Grant / thought that he was
playing me and wouldn't believe
him. General Grant rode on to Cen
eral Birney's headquarters. Gener-
al Birney was our division comman-
der. 'Birney,' he asked, what regi-
ment is that just down the :oad
there indicating with his finger.
The old Twentieth Indiana who
is that boy in command?' p That's
no boy, that IS Colonel Taylor.
We'll. he was going to buck and
gag me just now,' Then alter a
pause, He knows how to take care
of his men. and rode on. Birney told
me of the conversation shortly af-
terward. The next time that | met
Grant at close quarters was in La
| fayette, at Mr.. Orth's house, after
the war As l entered to pay my
respects Governor Morton introdu-
ced me- General Grant, this is one
of my soldiers. Colonel Taylor, OF
the Twentieth Indiana A smile
passed over the Generals face as be
extended his hand and said, i have
met Colonel Taylor before,I believ e.
Once before, General | replied,
and passed on, that is all there was
to it, but the boys never tired of,
twitting me about arresting General
Gran.1
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19
The Deepest Bored Hole in the World

The deepest boring yet made is al
the village of Schladebaeh, near the
line between Leipzig and Corbetha
1t has been made by the Prussiar
government to test fer the presence
of coal, and was bored with diamond
drills. Its depth is 1880 meters
a, $50 feet, its breadth at the bot
tom il 2 inches, and at the top IL
inches. 1t has occupied three and
one-balf years to bore, and cost lit
tie over 5000. The temperature at
the bottom il 11So Fahrenheit
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19

Aeronauts are very much taken up
with their profession. ike tramps
and house breakers.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19

Which selling, will certify to my statement that
they the VERY BEST Farm Wagon made. They are Id
general in nearly every country the face of the
globe and adapted every variety Of climate 1t Is ac-
knowedged by all to be the best proportoned best roned
best finished, and ghest running wagon made present
that should be read by every farmer about the Mitch
ell Wagons
lst Great is taken in selecting only the best timber
that grows which the proper of the year and
piled under sheds until thoroughly seasoned The himble
skens much heavier than any other kens and
therefore less liable break g. The hubs dodgemorts
can be constructed The patent box-coupng used only by
this Company prevents the wearing and weakening OF the
axle s. The MITCHELL WAGON stands to-day at the
head and front of all competitors and known far and wide
las the strongest and durable unequaed quality and
finish and monarch of the road wherever known and used
Don't fail give CALL and the wagon for yourself
Remember, for the next NINETY DAYS am selling these
wagons greatly reduced prices 1t will pay to buy OF me
and to buy now Prices furnished on application
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1885-08-19

/ threw my shawl down on the grass
that the lady's things were under it"
"a likely story said Mrs. Sever
ance, scornfully; Mrs. Mountjoy
will you be kind enough to summon
one of those policemen you speak
about. / really think it is my duty
to give this person in custody
/ The woman clasped her hands
wildly together.
you're not in earnest, ma'am," F"
she cried, looking nervously around.
you wouldn't shut me up in prison
and leave my little one to starve in
the streets. Yov're mother your
self, pretty lady, and you've moth
er's heart in your bosom. l am not
thief. / wouldn't lay hands on
what isn't my own, not if it was
coined gold and precious stones
Please let me go my way, lady"
"By no means, said Mrs. Sever
ance, with the prim. severe compla-
cency of Virtues self. Officer" to
the mlnion OF the law, who had by
this time arrived on the scene of ac-
tion, "there is your prisoner l
lodge an accusation against her for
theft"
There was a cry, tumult-a mo-
mentary gathering of gayly attired
spectators about the green and shad-
owy deli, and the next moment all
had once more settled into its won't
Ell quiet.
While, along the hot and dusty
Boulevard leading to the suburbs of
the great city, the foreign woman
sulkily followed the officer, and lit
tie Carita, running to keep pace with
their strides, pulled at her mothers
dress and walled out:
Mamma, mamma! Where are we
going mamma What are they 60
ing to do with you, mamma"
Arizona silver belt., 1885-08-01

The new prohibitory law of Iowa having been in force a year on the 4th of July, a Davenport paper has taken pains to collect statistics froa twenty five of the larger towns of the State to show how it has worked. These were collected from mayors and dtown clerks, who say that the entire number of saloons now openly in operation is 9l6, against 770 before tho new law wont into effect. In one place the in- crease has been from 50 10 75. in another from 6s to 109, and in still another from I3O to 150. Under tho old law Councils of these different towns had fixed licenses at figures ranging from s250 to $1 900. h some places this produced Q revenue of nearly thirty thousand dollars, which was of course entirely thrown away when the State took from communi- ties the right to issue licenses at any price or with any restrictions, how. ever severe Tie general opinion favors tho repeal of 8 law which has thus defeated its own ends, and which has demonstrated 50 thoroughly that prohibition does not prohibit.
Arizona silver belt., 1885-08-01

Central Park, New York City, has been chosen as the place of iutermcnt of tue remains of General Grant and the funeral will take place on satur. day, the sth instant. It, the inten. ton that the corpse shall lie ia state in Albany on tho 4th, thence to De removed to the City Hall, New York, where they will also lio in state until the day of the funeral. The obsequies will be conducted with national hon. ors; the President and bis Cabinet and members of the Senate and House of Representatives will De present. Gen. Hancock will have charge of the mili- tary on the occaston.
 We learn since writing the above that Mrs. Grant has disapproyed ofthe burial of her late husband in Central Park, and has designated Riverside Park, New York City, IS tie place ofin- terment, which has been acquiesced in by Mayor Grace as more available for the purpose intended. It is more than probable that the board of aldermen will change the name of Riverside Park to Grant Park.