Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1885-03-18
HUMOROUS.

GALVESTON papers report very little
water on the bar. That is the normal
condition OF a Texas bar.-St. Paul
Globe.
FkoM the cool manner in which Ell
Mehdi got away with Khartoum, it
would not be surprising if he was
New York bank cashier in disguise.
A BEE has a thousand mirrors in his
eyes, but the person stung by bee
don't need any mirrors to find the
place where the bee sat down to rest.
LAST December little George saw a.
snowstorm for the first time. ''Mam-
ma! mammal" he called out from the
widow, "bring pan! It's rainiag
pop-corn!"
A NoN-MATHEMAT1cAL problem.-f a
kitchen is II feet long, Is feet broad,
and 10 feet high, and the shovel, poker,
and tongs cost lis. 3d., what is the
name of the cook?
CUSTOMER "Waiter, I can't get on
with this lobster; it's as hard as flint. :"
Waiter-"Beg pardon, SRA slight
mistake. That's the papier mache
lobster out of the showcase. Shall l
change it,"
HON. CHARLES CARROLL, of Shaw
neetown, has our thanks for neat
and we'll executed check. We trans
ferred it into bacon, and are trans
ferring the bacon into Drawn and
brains.-Benton (W.) Standard.
AN exchange says: s'The dude has
two watchchains and no watch"
This is to distinguish him from the
species that goes about with the or
gan-grinder, and which has but one
chain.-Yonkers Statesman.
"WHY do you wear mutton-chop
whiskers?" was asked a commercial
Traveller by friend. Because" was
the philosophical answer, Gin the first
place, it hides my cheek, and in the
second place, it gives my chin full
play"
They have g. curious way of decid-
ing lawsuits in North Siam. Both
parties are put under cold water, and
the one staying longest wins the suit.
In this country both parties are got
into hot water, and then kept there as
long as possible.
A MAN will work fourteen hours q
day for six dollars week in running a
country paper of his own without
grumbling; but if he was paid dollar
and a half g. day for eight hours work
at any other employment, he would
strike for more wages.-Puck.
CARE you going to take this speech
verbatim ?" said a guest at a recent
banquet to a reporter, as a gentleman
rose to respond to a toast. "No,"
was the reply; II am friend of the
gentleman" All reporters are not so
Observation-Disclosures Free Press.
DIVISION examiner-"Now, if I were
to give fifty marbles in charge of this
boy indicating the biggest) to divide
equally among you, how many would
you each receiver" Small boy (of
experienced -"Please, sir, we shouldn't
get none at all; cause he'd collar 'em
all hisself. "-London Punch.
AS the dewdrops gather on the
parched earth to cool and brighten it's
surface, as the raindrops enliven the
face of nature, so woman's gentle and
refreshing influence will be felt at the
polls, and through it abuses will be
checked, hope encouraged, and men
made better and happier.-Bismarch
ID. ~ Journal.
A KENTUCKY man was cured of STAN
mering by the kick of a mule-and the
cure was not followed by a funeral,
either. If there is a period in the life
of a stammering man when he wants
his language to flow as rapidly and vo-
luminously as the "Waters come down
at Lodore," it is when he is kicked by
a mule-and lives.-N0rrist0wn Her.
aid.
THERE is at least one uptown man
who hasn't forgotten his New Years
resolutions. He was observed at a
late-or early-hour, holding an ear
nest argument with a tobacconist'
sign, and was heard to close the dis
cussion with the remark: II tell yous
sno ush; shworeoff smnk n and drink n
lash New Yearsh !'-ShOe and Leather
Reporter.
A FATHER, complaining of the way
his children destroyed their clothing,
said: "When was a boy had only
one suit of clothes, and had to take
care of it. I was allowed only one
pair of shoes a year in those days."
There was pause, then a very little
chap spoke up: "You have a much
easier time of it now you are living
with u.s."
D., AN artist of some talent, finding
himself short of money, sent for pic
ture dealer and asked, "What will you
give me for this picture?" "Twepty
francs" "You must be Joking!
Twenty francs! have not reached
starvation point yet, I can tell you"
The dealer coolly replied, Every good;
can wait" -Journal de Ia Sen1aine.
The Atlanta (Ga.) Constitution
says: "a good one is told of Pierce
Young. When he was the youngest
and handsomest brigadier in the Army
of Virginia he attended ball in full
uniform. AS he strobe across the
floor, his sword dangling and his spurs
jingling, a pretty girl, with the rear
lessness of youth and beauty, said,
General, why didn't you just ride
IMP"
THERE had been some illness in the
family, and when nd-hearted and
inquisitive neighbor asked Johnny
who had been sick he promptly an
swered: "Oh, tits my brother that's
ALL" "What was the matter with
him." Muffin, only he was just sick. !"
II know, but what allied him? 20, I
dunno" "What did he have?" "He
had the DOCTOR" That closed the in
QUESTION at Work.
"SHURE, it's enough to set g. poor
Irish girl crazy, the way ye talk here;
We hev hoes fur cuttin' the weeds down,
an ye hev hose ter squirt water on the
flower beds, and the missus told me to
bring her hose in from off the line.
Sure, it's stockin's she wanted. I
never saw such blatherin' country
in me loife," remarked a Milesian serv-
ant yesterday as she was having a
confidential chat with girl who had
been over long enough to get acclima~
ted.
TD>~ DS4uAa~