Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-07-15
Bill Nye Relates the Story Of David
and Goliath.

week, but when the war broke out he
enlisted in the army of the Philistines
more for the bounty than anything
else. This life seemed to hit him
about right, for Goliath was naturally
lazy and trifing. Of course I'm
telling you this in my own language,
but I'm giving it to you straight.
When the army of Israel camped
over in the valley of Elah, it looked
pretty squally for Saul and he felt
like sending in his resignation.
Every morning after breakfast,
Goliath, dressed in his brass plug hat
and cast iron corset and copper
clothes, would sail out and poke fun
at Saul and his home guards.
Goliath was a large, husky yahoo
from the headwaters Of the Chug and
had a hand on him like horse block.
He was muscled up in good shape,
too. When he began on man, it
meant six months in the hospital with
careful nursing, and if Goliath felt
grieved and hurt about something a
man had said about him and took the
man aside to have little talk about
it, the mans widow applied right off
for the life insurance. In this way
Goliath used to be respected very
much around Gath.
So every day he would come out on
the mesa and sass the armies of
Israel and tell Saul that if he had a
full-grown man who had any sand,
he would like to have him come over
and get himself measured for a pair
of wings. Day after day he would
walk out with his bomb-proof clothes
on and cordially invite the Israelites
to come over one at time and let
him paralyze 'em. And Saul, on be-
half of his people, declined the invi-
tation with thanks. He told Goliath
that while he would be glad to meet
him for little soft-glove tete-a-tete,
he would have to decline any meeting
on basis of hostility. This caused
the campaign to drag and the daily
papers in Israel began to criticise
Saul and ask why he did not come
home and hoe corn instead of fooling
away his time on the Philistines.
Just then David came down from
his fathers sheep ranch on Independ-
ence Mountain over against Bethle-
hem, Judah, on the old California
trail, to see how the war was progress
ing. He wanted to take a trip to
some place where there would be no
danger of bodily harm SO his parents
thought it would be safer perhaps for
him to 60 down to the front "where
war waged its wild desolation, and
threatened our land to destroy" They
told him to go down where the two
armies were engaged in open hostili-
ties and they would feel perfectly
easy about him, but they cautioned
him not to wander away from the
army into the woods and get lost.
So David went over to hear Goliath
speak his piece. Every morning for
forty days the dime museum giant
came out and opened court, request
ing the Israelites to come over and
meet fate worse than death. But
the Israelites preferred death to gen.
eral debility and old age. They had
relations at home OH whom they were
dependent.
Just as David got the front, Goliath
came out and spoke with loud voice
and cried out and defied the armies Of
Israel, and Saul's army scattered
and fell over each other trying to get
into the woods, and behold there
were not trees enough for all the SOL
diers of the armies of Israel to climb.
And David was disgusted and told
Saul that he would like to 60 out and
fight the Philistine if some courageous
Israelite would come along and hold
his coat for him. Every boy laughed
at David, and his brothers especially,
as soon as they had stopped running
and got behind tree and recovered
their breath, began to ridicule David.
But David insisted on it and told
Saul that one time q mountain lion
and a grizzly bear came and carried
off several of his fathers sheep, he
ran after them and overlook them and
after he had knocked the lion silly
with his fist, he ran his hand down
the bears throat, caught him by the
tail and turned him wrong side out.
The king said, "Well, did you really
do that2 If you did, I've good no.
tion to give you the freedom Of the
Phlistinc camp, and if you will bring
me Goliath's scalp, stretched on a
shingle, will give you all the money
you want and my only daughter, for
I'd just as soon tell you in confidence,
that this side show giant is getting to
be perfect eyesorc to me, and be-
tween you and me, think ne is over