The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1885-05-06
RAILWAY ETIQUETTE.
Timely and Important Rules of Con
duct for the Benefit of Those Who
Don't Know How to Behave
Themselves in a Sleeper or
Dining Car.
BY BILL NYE.

BY BILL NYE.
Many people have travelled all their
lives and yet do not know how to be-
have themselves when on the road.
For the benefit and guidance of such
these few, crisp, plain, horse sense rules
of etiquette have been framed.
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn to
the right on discovering an approaching
train. If you wish the train to turn out,
give two loud toots and get in between
the rails so that you will not muss up
the right of way. Many a nice, new
right of way has been ruined by getting
pedestrian tourist spattered all over
its first mortgage.
On retiring at night on board the
train, do not leave your teeth in the ice
water tank. If everyone should do so,
it would occasion great confusion in
case of wreck 1t would also cause
much annoyance and delay during the
resurrection Experienced tourists tie
a string to their teeth, and retain them
during the night.
If you have been reared in extreme
poverty and your mother supported you
until you grew up and married so that
your wife could support you, you will
probably sit in four seats at the same
time, with your feet extended into the
aisles SO that you can wipe them off on
other people, while you snore with your
mouth open clear to your shoulder
blades.
If you are prone to drop to sleep and
breathe with a low, death rattle, like the
exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a
good plan to tie up your head in
feather bed and then insert the whole
thing in the linen closet, or if you can
not secure that, you might stick it out
of the window ana get it knocked off
against tunnel. The stockholders of
the road might get mad about it, but
you could do it in such way that they
wouldn't know whose head it was.
Ladies and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while in
beastly state of intoxication.
In the dining car, while eating, do not
comb your mo1stache with your fork.
By all means do not comb your nous
better to refrain altogether from comb
travelling, for the motion of the train
y
irritate it.
If your dessert is very hot and you
do not discover it until you have
burned the rafters out of the roof of
your mouth, do not utter wild yell of
agony and spill your coffee all over a
total stranger, but control yourself,
hoping to know more next time.
In the morning is agood time to find
out how many people have succeeded in
getting on the passenger train who
ought to be in the stock car.
Generally, you will find one male and
one female. The male goes into the
wash room, bathes his worthless car
cass from daylight until breakfast time,
walking on the feet of any man who
tries to wash his face during that time
He wipes himself on nine different
towels, because when he gets home he
knows he will have to wipe his face on
an old door mat. People who have
been reared on hay all their lives gen
orally want to fill themselves full of pie
and collie when they travel.
The female of the same mammal goes
into the ladies' department and remains
there till starvation drives her out.
Then the real ladies have about thirteen
apiece in which to dress.
If you never rode in vanished car
before, and never expect to again. you
will probably roam up and down the
car, meandering over the feet of the
porter while he is making up the berths. !
This a good way to let people see just |
how little sense you had left after your !
brain began to soften. |
In travelling, do not take along lot
Of old clothes that you know you will |
never wear.
Never walk through a car staring
everybody out of countenance, like a
Jim Crow detective hunting for the
James boys, but mind your own bust
ness, be quiet, polite and patient, and |
ZEE THAT YOUR TICKET TAKES YOU OVER |
THE GREAT Rock ISLAND ROUTE. Then
you will feel as though you were among
friends ALL THE TIME, and you will
cave the train with a pang of genuine
'egret.