The Austin weekly statesman. (Austin, Tex.) 1883-1898, 1885-12-03

or two, and then all you ladies Will re-
ceive an invitation to call and see the pom
derous webb Perfecting Press perform
its work. 1t is now in the hands of its
master who came on from New York to put
it in motion. 1t is a decided improvement
on the press used by Benjamin Franklin,
in Philadelphia, about the time he was
walking the streets of that city with roll
of bread under each arm.
DEAR Instrumentation sermon on
Jonah has been read extensively out here
in SOmewheresville, and it is considered
decided success. Your explanation of
how Jonah was kept alive for three days
and three nights he was in the whales
society, to wit, by breathing the wind on
the fishes stomach, produced by the in
digestibility of Jonah. is most convincing.
1t ought to silence even the most I'M
reasonable skeptics. But here in Some
wheresville we have some tough cases that
are not yet convinced.
For instance there is an incredulous old
female denizen of this place that
will not yield assent to your
theory without further investiga-
ton as to stomach winds in general.
She has attached a weather vane to her
belt buckle to determine whether they
blow from the points of the points of the
compass like the winds of the earth. She
must be convinced that they have such
courses before she will be convinced and
believe.
Another equally as hard sinner as the
above, insists on determining the velocity of
winds in general before tumbling to your
racket, and has rugged on her belt a what
dO-you-call-it, used by the weather bureau
to see whether they are cyclones or trade
winds.
Agatha regular old boiler headed
crank who would not believe one though
he rose from the dead, swears he will not
believe that stomach winds theory, unless
sight is given to his blind eyes so that he
may see them for himself. Seeing
with him is believing. He has
, been referred to an oculist. AS preach
, er, you should know how hard-hearted
some of your hearers are, and hence I
write to you these things.
PRoF LIE-BIG.
Beloved professor, send for Sam Jones
without a moments delay. He is keep
ing up the other end of the line.
stranger arrived in town yesterday
and registered at the Rbaryumnosnwdick
house, who is so cross-eyed he can stand on
a corner and look around an entire block.
He ventured the information to gazing
crowd, that when he was born his eyes
were all right, but his step-mother kept
him so cross it got into his eyes and
stayed there. Ever since then he has
, been cautioning children to shun step
, mothers.
There must be something peculiar in
the climate of Austin. One thing is GER
. tain: The elderly ladies retain their good
looks to a much greater extent than they
do down nearer the sea. Their counte-
nances have fresher appearance and their
compilations are clearer than those we see
in the low countries, either by the sea or
along the banks of our leading rivers.
We have in Austin many ladies that have
passed the meridian of life that are truly
beautiful. Walkabout sees scores daily On
the streets who would be called beautiful
anywhere.
What contrast between the weather we
are getting and that in the North! There
it is very cold and snow and ice abound;
here we have sunshine and warmth and the
roses are blooming. Give us Texas all the
time.
There are great many men, and boys,
too, who manage to exc out an existence
who have not sense enough to close a door
. after them, even in the coolest weather.
The new edition of The STATESMAN is
started and will be increased in size as you
merchants and other advertisers crowd it
with your advertisements. You need not
fear of elbOwing it into the sea. It will
stand heap of elbowing before it ''goes
to sea"-or grass. The type and press
are ready for the elbowing process; so
place your lads" akimbo as soon as you
please.
Simon has new way of serving up
! EQUAL on toast" He puts the live quails
in box and feeds them on toast until
they surround the toast, instead of being
on it. This gives very general satfsfac-
ton to the epicures who frequent his cpl
curian establishment. He is also having
, big run with Berwick Bay oysters
These he keeps healthy by having them
vaccinated for cholic as soon as they ar
rive. Next Sunday he will have prepared
, for his regular customers and others,
some tenderloin steak cut from the SON
in-law of the whale that swallowed Jonah.
Simon is at home with all edible fish, and
there is no danger of being choked with
fish bones if you follow his directions,
WHICH are 10 crown Un0 uSn III on one S1Q6
of your mouth and let the bones come
, out on the other side. Patent applied for.
Go and see Simon while he is in his
prime.
Walkabout has of late very quietly Wis
tied the comptroller's department during
the business hours and he would inform
+ the San Antonio Times that in every in
stance he found all the employees as busy
as bees. If there is any idling there he
did not discover it. 1t is hardly fair to
! accuse men of idleness who attend strict
: ly to business. The Times editor himself
, will come to this conclusion, if he will
; visit that department. incog.
, HOME AGAIN.
) COUNTY TREASURER JERNIGAN
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