Smyrna times., 1885-02-11

JttttF' ttlN ltt - VI AltANAt eti lI4iAOHOiJiAg
PhHadelphia Ne,rs.
NOT VERY SENsITIVE.-SomeN North
ern people imagine that the Southern
African is as full Of personal pride as
one Of Fcnimorc Coopcr's Indians.
Uncle Nose Of Austin, is not one of
that kind.
Use gWineter quit. I has to look
up anodder place" he said to his en-
ployer, John Ingle, wealthy mer-
chant.
WHATS the matter with you Uncle
Mosc?"
de bizness manager Mr.. White,
has not kicked me in de las two munis.
Not once has he lifted his foot agin
me"
ordered him not to kick you
again. don't allow anything of that
kind in this establishment. I intend
that nobody shall hurt your feelings
Uncle Nose"
"Ef don't get no kicks Use gwine-
ter quit"
Are you crazy? Do you want to
be kicked and cuned about ?"
Yes, sch, does. Ebcry time de
bizness manager kicked or cuiled my
ears when he was mad, he got ashamed
Of hisseli arterward and CUB me Il
quarter. Use done lost enough money
already, wild dis heah foolishness about
hurtin' my feelings"
How TO GET OUT or IT.-The
smart man always wriggles out of di-
lemma. A gentleman wanted to get a
cigar from Gilhooly, who wanted to
smoke it himself.
Didn't | hear you say the other
day that you always keep a spare cigar
about you for your friends, said the
friend.
have made some such remark in
one Of my reckless moods"
" | am one of your friends, amt / -
Certainly"
Well, then hand me out that spare
cigar you keep about you for your
friends"
. 1t is astonishing how obtuse some
people are. Let US reason together
about this thing. If l give you the
cigar how can | keep it about me, for
you will walk off with it, l expect the
best way to prevent hard feelings is
for me to smoke the cigar myself.
Have you got a match?"
SMITH AND JoNEs.-John Smith
was reading the morning paper. Sud
denly he exclaimed -
Jones is dead / must 90 to his
funeral. He went to mine, and one
good turn deserves another"
What do you mean by saying that
he attended your funeral? That's all
nonsense said Mrs Smith.
- No it amt. Last year Jones read
that John Smith was dead. and he
thought it was me, so he attended the
/ funeral, and now, of course, | ought to
return the compliment"
Well, before you go tramping
through the mud, and standing i'm a
graveyard with your hat off catching
/ your death of cold take a square look
at the remains, and see that YOU are
/ following up the right corpse If YOU
are going to attend the funeral of every
/ Jones who dies, you never will get
/ through" " remarked Mrs Smith.
MATRIMONIAL ITEM.-"I believe
/ I'll get married and settle down. |
wish you would look around and pick
me out Il wife" ;" said John Bingham IA
! Dallas dude, to Mrs Morris.
" What sort of Il wife do you want?"
asked Mrs Morris, who is IL very SEN
sible woman.
" In the first place she must be beau
tiful."
"What else ?"
She must be modest"
"What else -
" She must be musical aud we'll edu-
Gated"
" Anything else ?"
" She must be worth $25OO00 in her
own right"
"If that sort of a lady marries a fell
low like yon, she will have one other
qualification" said Mrs. Norris.
WHAT'S that? ,"
she will have to be crazy"
HARD TTMEs.-Said Herman Glass
a grasping Galveston landlord to Tom
Scantling, one of his tenants -
want you to pay up your rent
right Off"
" haven't got any money"
But you have got to pay it any
how"
Now you look here, if you kecr
on dunning me for that rent, when I've
not got a cent, do YOU know what III
do? | don't like to do it, but you'll
goad me to it,"
What will you do ?"
"Ill buy me II house for cash, and
put stop to this paying rent by the
MONTH"
HIGH SPORTING AUTHORITATIVE
London Daily Sportsman, remarks,
editorially: A really invaluable
specific, for the cure Of rheumatism.
neuralgia, sprains, bruises. st. Jacobs
Oil, well-known in the English market
has gained immense fame in America,
Australia and all parts Of the world
and the universal nature of its sale
may be judged from the fact, that the
makers have to print their instructions
for its use in no fewer than eleven Ian
guages.
A few years ago the legal rate of in
terest was reduced in New York from
Z to per cent. and the Legislature OF
that State has now before it bill still
further reducing the rate to per cent
This is n pretty sure indication that
there is plenty of money in the country
and that any further additions to the
SuDnlV will add tn uObOdV's income