The Sunday tatler and Jersey City express. (Jersey City, N.J.) 1883-1886, 1885-11-29
THE TABLES TURNED.

-a-l-G r. Ht t-|- M N~IrH
To avoid any misconception on the sub
iect, he was in the habit of calling atten-
ton pointedly to the fact. "Sir," or
Madam" he would say, am plain
man, without any nonsense about me-"
Most people would have regarded the first
part of the proposition as self-evident II
is even recorded that the landlady of
seaside lodging-house once replied in
answer to the usual assurance: "Lor, sir,
I'm sure there's many people homelier
than you" But this is generally regarded
as an unwaranted sacrifice Of truth to
politeness.
As a matter of fact, Mr. Hardacre did
not use the words in reference to his per-
sonal appearance, but in a special and
Pickwickian sense, as denoting that he
had horror of all shams. As life in the
nineteenth century is made up largely of
shams, this hyper consciousness on Mr..
Hardacre's part now and then led to incon-
venient results. by which his wife, who
liked pretty things, irrespective of their
genuineness, was the chief sufferer.
Even the best of engravings Mr. Hard
acre regarded as shams, as being only the
picture of q picture. Consequently he
wouldn't tolerate an engraving on his
walls, but decorated them with dreadful
daubs in oil aud water coiors, which
might be safely warranted originals sby
reasons that no sane human being would
dream except IN a night mare of repro
ducing them. Neither would he endure
veneer. Chairs, tables, piano-forte, all
were of solid mahogany, strong enough to
stand siege, but as ugly as art could
make them, His spoons were of solid
silver, and was the rejoicing of the dust
men when (as win happen now and then
in the best-regulated families) a spoon
found its way into the dust-bin. The
front of his house was of plain brick;
cement and stucco being inadmissable in
the Hardacre school of architecture. 4
These, however, as Mrs. Hardacre re-
marked toher particular friend and con-
fidante, were comparatively trifiing
matters. If Mr.. Hardacre liked to encour-
age burglars by using expensive silver
instead of good serviceable electro-plate,
or to use nasty, ugly paint for his doors
and wainscots instead of having them
prettily grained in, in imitation of maple
or satin-wood like,other people,it was his
own affair; but why she should not be
allowed to wear few flowers in her bon
net, or use a frlsette or two to supply the
deficiencies of her not too abundant
cheyelure, she really could not see. s. fa-
And in domestic matters it was still
worse. When ii came to the master of
the house interfering with the cooks Grin
olette Greatly a little one, my dear y and
the house-maid's dress improver, saying
that he wouldn't haze.any sham Hottentot
Venuses in his service, it was unbearable.
The fact that the poor girls did not under.
stand the allusion made it all the more
offensive OF course they gave warning
on the spot, and no wonder.
In matters of cookery. again, Mrs.
Hardacre was the least bit of a gourmand
and had weakness for little artistic
trifes like sole a la Normandie and
chofeur au gratin, but the appearance of
such dish on the table would have pro-
duced violent TRADE from Mr. Hardacre
as to the general delusiyeness of French
cookery, and the immortality OF dressing
good honest meat and vegetables, so as to
taste like something else entirely different
Mr.. Hardacres typical good dinner was
a roast leg of mutton, with potatoes and
greens, his notion of permissible "made
dishes" being limited to tripe and onions,
or kidney pudding: Mrs. Hardacre was
fond of theatrical performances, and
would have liked to have spent couple
of evenings week at the theatre, but Mr..
Hardacre's principles would not allow him
Tor her) to indulge in form OF amusement
whose very groundwork was Illusion.
If she yearned for recreation, he took
her 10 severe classical concert, or to
scientific lecture at mechanics institute.
On these occasions he invariably, and she
not infrequently, went TO sleep; but he
had the satisfaction of knowing that they
had been listening p to good honest
music, or good solid science, as the case
might be, without any nonsense about it.
Occasionally, it may be said In whisper,
the music or the science was as great
sham as ANYTHING to be found at theatre,
hut Mr.. Hardacre did not know enough
of either to find out the difference, and
cons equently no violence was done to his
principles. ~,
must be conceded that her life, ike that
of Mr.. GilLert's policeman, WAS not
happy one. She was many years younger
than her husband, and had still consldera-
HE nretensiops to beauty, A less self
satisfied man than Mr.. NHardacre would
have feared lest suchAa course of-treat-
ment should drive young and pretty
woman into dangerous distractions For
ten wears. however, Mr.. and Mrs. Hard.
acre had been married, and as yet no
electric cloud had fitted cross the matri-
monial horizon. Day after day. and year
after year, Mrs. Hardacre hal sat at The
solid mahogany table and poured tea from
the solid silver teapot with the calm
serenity of model English wife, disturbed
neither by the !" originals, 2 that glared
down at her from the walls, nor the bald
head, stubby whiskers, and impregnabie
self-conceit of her husband on the other
side of the table.
1t is however an accepted fact in natural
history that even the worm will turn II
trodden on too heavily or too continu-
onsly, and keen observer, at the date OF
our story might have perceived indica-
tions that BODIED i'll to Mr.. Hardacre' S
domestic peace. Mrs Hardacre, generally
so placid, was obviously i'll at ease. Ever
and anon she would glance at her nus
band in an anxious, nervous manner;
looking away guiltily if she happened to
catch his eve. She took unwonted inter-
est in his going out and coming in, in the
direction of his walks, and the duration OF
his absence. She received notes 10 a male
handwriting, which she carefully burned
after reading, and on one or two occasions,
shortly after Mr.. Hardacres departure
from the house, she herself left the house,
and was absent for an hour or two taking
care, however. always to be at home before
his return. Even the servants began to
notice her altered conduct, and all agreed
that "Missis" was "carTyin' on some game
the Master wouldn't like" 1t is painful
to add that the general cororallary was
land serve him jolly well right" sS
For some weeks Mr.. Hardacre remained
in blssfnl unconscioasness of the cloud
overwhelming his domestic peace; but one
day, CHANGING to return home an hour or
two earlier than was expected, he found
his wife absent. None of the servants
could tell him where she had gone, and
when she returned little later, her agita-
ton was such that the most unsuspiclous
of men could not but have noticed IT. Mf.
Hardacre asked her abruptly where she
had been. She blushed, stammered and
q ~. I.nd hon