The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1885-01-22
RURpETTE's BUDGET.

A Collection of Short ROmaneeS from
Everywhere.
INDEED THEY WILL NOT.
An able and conscientious editor out West
calls his reporters Figures" because they
won't he.
WAIT FOE THE PICNICS.
What will the candidates do when the
state and county fair season is overl The
next president can't always have the big
pumpkins to draw audiences for him
DIFFERENCE IN CAPACITY.
Oh yes, my son, there are more dams In
New England than there are in the presi-
Dental campaign, a great many more.
More or less. And they hold a great deal
more, too-more water, that is Not quito
SO much whisky, oh no. Not by quart,
should say.
'OME HAGAIN.
Returning pleased with his successful mis-
sion among the savages of Great Britain,
Mr.. Moody declares that ''hif g were not
han Hamerican. e would be appier to be han
Henglishman rather than hany hother ma
tionality" Ear! ear! ZIP, lip, 'urrahl
BARRED OUT.
The CRATE question: Who shall build thu
fire? Also: Who shall be privileged to poke
it, being kindleds
ALAS, PORK REACHERl
When pound master overcharges dollar
for shutting hog up in pound, is that ami
NAL fees ance in ofice9 Brethren, we should
say so.
GARB OF THE CLERGY.
Some of the religious papers in Massa.
chusetts are discussing the question: "Should
a minister wear mustachesg' We think it is
his duty to society TO wear so much as that,
at least, and in the great cities where
society is more colby artificial and for
mally exacting he might, with commend
able worldly wisdom, add a vest and a pair
of trousers, especially as the season ad-
vances.
THE SERENADE.
'I will stay" he sang, ''and sing my lay,
While slumber seals your eyes;
And the deep still night will chase the day
Away from the star-lit skies.
| / will wake and sing till the morning star
Shall glow in the eastern sky"
But he didn'ts the dog woke up just then
And smote him hip and thigh.
HAVE ONE YOURSELF.
"Alpheus' wants to know If we don't
think whisky helps the digestion7 Certainly
it does, Alpheus. certainly it does. You
| drink lots of whisky and it will improve
YOUR digestion wonderfully. But most men
| find they can digest as well without it. So,
| if you don't want to die jest yet, Alpheus,
I you leave whisky alone.
THE TALoNTED CAT.
| Mr.. Bergh defends the intelligence Of the
| domestic cat, and says it can be trained to
ssfetch and carry" just like dog Mr.. Bergh
is correct. The cat will carry off the canary
without any training, and if there is any
thing that will fetch coop of young chickens
quicker than a lean one-eyed cat, it hasn't
| vet been discovered.
EXCELSIOR"
"Ethel" writes to ask if we think high
heels are injurious. We think they are
Ethie, very injurious and extremely danger
Gus; and when they are on a bay mule with
zebra legs, they may be rated as extra haz
ardous. Keep away from 'em, Ethel.
HE DIES AT SUNRISE.
The man who regularly and habitualIy
closed the door after him, tight as wax, al
summer, is now just beginning to leave i
wide open every time he goes out and come
in.
Cash TAKEN AT PAR
| And what or this present timer crled th'
parson earnestly, shifting the pulpit "Wha
of this time in which we livea What abou
| the NowT'
"Now," said the good editor suddenly
aroused from his comfortable slumber, 'tnoy
is the time to make up clubs"
And then the deacons dubbed togethe
and set him out
LABOR AND RKFREsHMENT.
There is this difference between Esau ant
the president Esau sells himself for a mes
of pottage and the president exsells himsel
on pot of message.
. ROBERT j. BURDETTE