Morning journal and courier., 1885-05-28
IMPROVED.

Miss Constance: ssTm so glad you think I've improved in my playing of that noe turne of yours, Herr Bemolski I hope to be perfect in it next time we meet" Herr B. (gallantly) 'tAch, Miss Gonschadance /! l hope ve shall meet before that!'
 Scene: A concert for the people-Distin- guished amateur (about to make his first ap- pearance in public) f'Oh, I do feel so vous ID Sympathetic Friend: "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud nything!"-Punch.
 Dreadful talk: ''1 am positively opposed to having choir in the church," said old Mrs Piety to her husband, after listening to the half -operatic airs of the service. ''We have no account of choirs in the days of the
 but you know they had other methods of torture that were almost as bad. .''-Newman Independent.
 You want to know why it is called the
 English sparrow do you, Ethels We'll, dear it is because it is very English in it's ways. Making more noise than any other bird of its size, quarreling all the time that it is not eating, and seeming to think that this great
 universe was created for it's especial benefit. That is why it is called the English sparrow, Ethe1.-Boston Post.
 An Eighth street woman threw her hus- bands pipes and tobacco into the stove, re- marking, ''I'm tired of living in smoke house." He carried all her bonnets and hats down to his office and left note saying, ''Tm tired of living in a millinery store" Now this was very funny on both sides, as far as it went, but she walked into his store three hours afterward with a new $20 bon net on. He never thought of that.-Brooks lyn Times.
 A professional athlete prints instructions
 Chow to walk up stairs without getting tired" Pshi Any fool can do that if he'll only take enough time. What the American people want to know is how to walk up stairs at ? a. m. in the dark without falling down twice, waking up the whole house and taking one extra step after reaching the top. It's stepping up the step that isn't tha6e that shakes mans faith in the integ rity of the human organism. "Our craven contemporary" remarks the Dead Mans Guide (Arizona) Headstone, -four
 craven contemporary pretends that 1t doesn't want any office. That is too thin, as every
 body knows how it tried to get the postofice and failed We don't often boast, but we
 believe that we could run the postoffce in the way it should be run, and what is more, we believe we shall get it. Anyhow, we are not afraid to say that we want it, and will do everything we can to get 1t. Our con- temporary is pretty small potato Whoo- peep
 A New York Sunday school teacher told her pupllS buaG Wu0u buoy put PoAhiOo into the contribution box she wanted each one to repeat Bible verse suitable for the occasion. The first boy dropped in his cent, saying, ''The Lord loveth cheerful giver." "
 The next boy dropped his penny into the
 box, saying, ''He that giveth to the poor Iendeth to the Lord" The third and young
 est boy dropped in his penny, saying, "A fool and his money are soon parted. De troit Journal.
 The Egg of Columbus.-"Who was Colum- busa' asked teacher of his class, in one of the public schools of Austin. Columbus was bird, ;" replied little girl. The whole class laughed voeiferously, and the teacher asked the little girl what she meant by such silly answer. She explained, shedding bit ter tears, that she had read in the book of an older sister piece of poetry about the egg of Columbus, and as only birds lay eggs, she supposed Columbus was some sort of bird. Texas Siftings.