Herald and tribune. [volume] (Jonesborough, Tenn.) 1869-current, 1885-11-12
HoFFENsTEIN's GOOSE.
He TellsHi. story in His own Way.


Hoffenstein was pale and haggard when
he entered the store and his eyes were
red and swollen as if he had lost great
deal of sleep. Herman noticed the old
mans appearance at a glance and knew
that something had occurred to disturb
him.
"You looks, Misder Hoffenstein," he
said, like you don't vas veil last night
Vat vas de matter?"
81 don't vas sick, Herman, he replied,
but haf Won of de loveliest nights vat
man efer haf, you know, and it vas all
on account uf goose vat Jake Gold
smith, in Vicksburg, sends with exbress
and dells me dot must eat de goose ven
l hef de feast after de day uf Yom KEEP
pur. Veil dot goose don't get here undil
dree days ago, and puts him in de yard
shust behind dc back uf de house, and /
dells my wife Leah dot We feeds de goose
undil he vas shust so fat as butter and
den We haf big dinner.
"De goose, you know, Herman, finds
dot he vas away from Vicksburg, und all
uf yesterday he stands in de yard on Won
| leg, und looks like he vos lonesome und
wants to weep because his family vos ofer
hundred miles away, goes out und
dake up de goose init my arms, und feels
dot his breast vos so poor dot 1t vos more
sharper as a hatchet, und den remember
| dot Nose Lichtenfelder dells me vonce
dot ven he makes goose fat dot he
stuffs him nit corn meal and water und
soda, all mixed NIT each oder. | dells
de colored woman vot cooks to dell my
wife to git her de soda und corn meal und
den mix it all up, und stuffs de goose
so full dot he don't veil able to vok dc
yard around.
"Vell, Herman, stuffs dc goose und
den goes to bed, und don't haf been
sleep couple of hours ven wakes up
und hears dot goose yelling und valtzing
all over de voodshed und making dc
worst noise vot dinks efer heard. De
goose yells at the top of his voice und
wakes up all de dogs for miles around
und all de roosters, und no Won can sleep.
The people vot vos next door dey gets up
und swears out uf de windows, und wants
to know Wy de damnations | don't go
down und muzzle dot goose und don't be
waking up de whole town, und / dells
dem dat de goose makes dc noise because
he vas homesick und don't can make
fhim stop, und den from all de houses
dey trows dings down in dc back yard al
dc goose, und / gets mad und dells dem
can vip de man vot trows tin tubs und
| oder dings in my back yard, und leedle
man NIT red hair und ahead like bullet,
he runs out on his gallery und says, Il
hats you up init de bolice court in de
morning as public nuisance. Dot
makes so mad dot swears in German,
und Isays, If you calls me nuisance l
will de first chance vot haf knock your
nose away. Dots vot does, you hood
lum. 'You will, says de redheaded
man; well, If you comes down nit your
front gate right now, you bowlegged
tramp, will shump on your stomach init
my feet until you dinks you will nefer eat
anoder goose any more Ven he dalks
dot way Leah don't will let me 60 out uf
de house to vip him, und stays nit de
bed und don't can't sleep for de goose
crying und de people swearing. De next
morning / goes down to see de goose und
l finds him standing on de top uf bar
rel nit his wings hanging down und his
fedders all turned de wrong way und de
yard full uf dem. He vos de weakest
goose vot efer see, und efery time vat
he tries to stand on Won leg he falls down
und shuts his eye shust like he wants to
die. wonder vot vas de matter NIT de
goose, und feels his craw und it vas
more empty as an old sock, und deL l
makes an investigation und finds out de
cause uf de whole trouble, you know.
Vat you tink vos dc matter nit de goose,
Hermann"
II don't can tink, Misder Hoffenstein. I"
"Vell, den, dells you. My wife, Leah,
makes a mistake und gifts de cook EPSON
salts instead uf soda, und stuffs de goose
nit 1t, und dc bird suffers de whole uf de
night, und you don't can blame him fur
de noise, you know. De goose don't can
get ofer de effects uf de mistake und he
dies, und gets mad ven dink uf it.
Leah vas making Won uf dem crazy quilts
for de Exposition, und all dc time she
don't know haf what she vas dinking
about 1t was shust like vOoman," and
Hoffenstein paced the floor greatly annoy.
ed at the idea of losing his GOOSE
Ne,o Orleans Times Democrat.