davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

We know a man who is so earnest
in his opposition to intemperance that
he will not wear tight boots.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

What is the difference between an
exasperated father and poor musi-
cal conductor? None; they both
beat the air.-Burlington Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29
He Was Off.

"There's one thing nobody can
ever say about me-" said fish dealer.
"They never can say that | was ever
anything but generous"
"You'rc off your base," replied his
customer.
"What makes you say that ?"
"Why, because your very business
makes you sell fish."-Boston Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

"Is Mrs. Blank very cold woman?'
81 don't know; why do you ask 2"
"Ob, because she always has an
Il see air about her."-Boston Bud
get.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

Some women spend a great deal of
time trying to beat the steak tender,
and some men spend more trying TO
beat the bar-tender.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

1t is bachelor who always knows
how child should be brought up,
but he forgets it after marriage
Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

There are a great many colonies in
Minnesota. Perhaps this is because
it is a great grain State.-Boston
Budget.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29
Ayers Sarsaparilla.

sinoe then Mr.. LELAND has recommended
AYERS SARsAPARILLA In many similar
cases. and ho has never Jet heard Of Its fail
ure to effect radical cure.
Some years ago one Of Mr.. LELASD's farm
iaborers bruised his leg. Owing to tho bad
state Of his blood, an ugly scrofulous swelling
or lump appeared on the injured limb. Hor-
rible itching Of the skin, with burning and
darting pains through the lump, made life
almost intolerablc. Tho leg became enor-
mousiy enlarged, and running ulcers formed,
discharging great quantities Of extremely
offensive matter. No treatment was Of any
avail until the man, by Mr.. LELAND's dircc-
tion, was supplied with Ayers SARsAPA-
RILLA, which aliayed the pain and irritation,
healed the sores, removed tho swelling, and
completely restored the limb TO use.
Mr.. LELAND has personally used
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

DO hotel keepers generally travel
by the Innman line ?-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

A live coal and pound of powder
divided a Virginian into thirty frag-
msnts. He blew the coal and the
powder blew him.--Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

The most popular book-the pock-
et-book.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29
WIT AND HUM0R.

Are you old enough TO marry, do you think
Won't you wait till you eighty in the shade
There's fascination frantic
In a ruin that's romantic;
DO you think you are sufficiently decayed
From the Mikado.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29
Advertising Eates.

line.
Local hothoos tep cents psr line for s.sa inssr-
ton.
Prices and Terms aliks to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

A good foot rule-never buy tight
boots.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-04-29

Dogma-parent of puppies.-Ex.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
FULL OF FUN.

Tho sting OF the bee is only one
ihirty-second II an inch long; il j. said
TO be Imagination that makes it Sem -
long as hoe handle. - Tn. Cook.
The Prince Of Wales is entitled to
wear seventy different uniforms bat he
never puts on more than one at Il time.
This is his uniform habit .IrtWlSdO
Irdreisr.
Can't Get Ahead of Her
man may jaw and engage in strife.
And man may have his say;
But he can't for his life, get ahead Of his
wife
Because he amt built that way.
-GOrham HoUutUnrrr.
-" Six Of one aud half-a-dozen Of
the other. - Mother "Mercy, children,
what are you making such noise
for'" Children's Chorus -" Why. 10
keep the baby quiet, mamma. '-Hdr-
p.r'S Ba,ar.
Old Mr.. Bently-.'I see that at the
base ball game Yesterday the home club
put in its strongest battery Old Mrs.
Bently-"You don't tell me Iwondcr
what they'll do with electricity next?'
N. Y. independent
What are the wild waves say
ing?' asked flip young man OF a
sharp girl on the beach at Old Point
They are saving they are glad they
are not fresh" she answered sweet
and low. Cincinnati Merchant TraU-
eler.
-" What are you reading. dear?'
asked the father. "Dumas' story. the
Three MouSquetaires.' replied the
daughter - The Three MoSqutaresT
Never heard of it. Something about
New Jersey. | suppose. Ittsjuryh
Chronicle.
Spell 'furze.'" said the STRIPPING
school teacher to the barcfooted boy
with hole in the knee of his pants.
'F-u-r-z-e. furle.' said the boy. rub
bing the flies from one leg with the
other foot. What does it mean"
please. sir. it's what grows on your
face. "-Chicago Ledger.
The Spanish and German barks are
having q howljng time at Zap. Each
Spitz at the other and exhibits a very
pug-nacious spirit. German cur-age is
liable to make Spain-yell. This will do
for pointer TO some other terrier who
would like TO take whack at a new
found land Setter up.-SL Paul Her
aid
-"Will you give ME them pennies
now?" said big new>boy TO little
one after giving him u severe thump-
ing. NO 1 won't" exclaimed the
little one Then Ill give you another
pounding" round away. Me and
DR.. Franklin agrees; Dr. Franklin says:
Take care of the pence and the pounds
will take care of themselves. '"-L Lht-
cdgO Tribune.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
BACkWOODS JUSTICE.

An Old Settlers Account of An Illinois
Court Scene In 1S3e.
Jim Baxter. take the witness stand
and state whether or not you know the
COW said to have been stolen by the de-
fendant- If you do, state her age and
value; in a word, tell all you know
about her"
.Mr. Lawyer. ask one question and
speak louder. I'm thick o. hearin'."
We'll, if you know the COW. state
how old she is"
Il owned her thirteen years ago"
ANSWER my question, how old is
she?"
Don't know; was so old put hick-
ory withes on her horns for the wrin-
kleS to run out on"
What is she wortho"
'She gives right smart Of milk every
day."
Il didn't ask how much milk she
gave; state her value"
Age amt nothin'. don't know
the price of beef cattle"
is she worth fifteen dollars? Also
state how much right smart is"
'.She gives pint in the mornin' and
. half in the eyenin'."
is she quiet? Does she ever kick
the pail over?"
Il accept the amendment. She
kicks and spills every day one-half the
milk"
"Jim Baxter. you are an experts
smart Alex; is pint and half your
estimate of right smart?'"
"Yaas, that is the law in Indiana aid
in old kaintuck. whar was born"
The Court turns to the Clerk and
states: MIR. Clerk, whereas Indiana
and kaintuck, being older States, here,
tofore let it be recorded as a ruling
that henceforth a pint and half OF
whisky, rum and all life-invigorating
beverages. including milk. shall be
known and acknowledged as right
smart in this. the First Judicial Dis.
trict of the Commonwealth of Illinois.
Call the next witness"
The bar rises in a body and informs
his Honor that the hour appointed fol
the horse race has arrived.
Thanks, gentlemen Of the bar. Mr..
Sheriff. adjourn court. sine die. til
hslf-past eight o'clock tomorrow
morning. g.'-Detrott Free Press.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
WOusan's Province.
THE DUTIES OF THF GESTLER SEx-
HOW BEST FULFILLED.

THE DUTIES OF THr GESTLER SEx-
HOW BEST FULFILLED.
What a great task is assigned to wo-
man. Its dignity can not be elevated. Ii is
not her province to make laws, 10 lead
armies. nor TO be at the head of great en-
terpriscs. but to her is gwen :he power to
form those by whom the laws are made,
to teach the leaders of mighty armies and
the governors of vast empires. She is
required to guard against having the
slightest taInt of bodily intirmity touch
the frail creature whose moral, intellect
ual and physical being is derived from
her. She must irstll correct principles,
inculcate right doctrines, and breathe into
the soul of her offspring those pure senti-
ments which in time TO come will be
part OF themselves, and bless generations
vet unborn. Yes. 10 woman is given the
blessed privilege of aiding the sufferer in
all the various stages of lis existence. She
smiles serenely at the christening, and
weeps at the burial. wlile she soothes the
bereaved heart. This is her province and
duty. Yet how can she fulfill her mission
unless possessed OF s'rong and healthy
BODY: The preparation of DIR. ). b.
Hartman. and known as PERUNA, is Just
the thing for persons suffering from ma
lority of the complaints incident to this
climate. 1t is invaluable TO women, and
Mrs. ]. w. Reynolds, of New Lisbon,
Columbiana county, Ohio, is a noted ex-
ample of " ha. the medicine can do. She
saws she has suffered for wears with con.
gcstion of the lungs, catarrh in the head,
and was troubled with bad cough. She
- l.. .~E S~h L,,t
they all failed TO cure her. She was in
duccd to try PERUNh, and Immediately a
marked change took place. After using
one bottle her cough ceased and in short
time her other ailments were cured. She
s now completely restored to health, and
gives all the credit to PERUNA. Mr.. J.
w. Reynolds, her husband, was a con.
iirrned invalid. llc could not sleep we'll.
r,cither could he work. Heused PERUNA.
and rs a result, was completely restored
10 his former vigor and strength. He
savs he now feels like new man.
Mr.. Bernhardt Seubs, St. Clair, st.
Clair county, Mich, saws: 81 have thor
oughly tried your PERuSA in the various
diseases to which parents and a large fam
tly of children are ever liable, and find
Itinevery case to be Just the thing needed.
No family can honestly be without it"
Nancy 'Fetcrrnan, Cookport, Indiana
County. Pa, saws: 4" Gcntiemcn: Your
valuable PERUNA is the best medicine l
.ver used"
Ps-Rrsa 10 sold by all druggists. Price ST.
per bottle. six bottles $5.oa. II you cannot get
from your druggist. ~e Sili send II on receipt @
-esular pnce. We prefer you buy IL from you
druggist. hut If he hasn't IT do not be persuade
to try som thing else, but order from rs at
directed. 5. b. HARTMAN GO,
Column bus
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
ohe Defied All Competition.

Moses Everbaum's store stands on
the corner. and has An entrance on
each street. Yesterday an elderly lady
from Sugar Grove went into Moses
store to buy suit of clothes for her
grandson. She found what she wanted
and asked the price.
Dwell tollars, NOM" said Moses.
80. gracious me. can buy clo'es
jest as good as them for eight dollars.
Can't you sell them any cheaper'"
Not Won cent cheaper, nom. Dis
ish strictly von- brics house."
The old lady was about to depart
when Moses said:
Der ish Won of dose cheap eloding
houses right aroundt der corner.
Mebby you git vat you want in dhere. -
The old lady stepped around the
corner and into the other door where
Moses Oldest son met her and offered
her the same suit for eight dollars.
go. N.Y." said she" eight dollar,
for that suit! Why at the store around
the corner was just offered suit like
this for six dollars"
''Let her have it vor six tollar. Levi.
yelled Moses from the other end of the
store. Il guess she defes all gom.
petition. ."-Chica0o Neus.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
TWO HUMORISTS.
Now One OF Them Procured . Meal ~
Time When RationS Were Scarce.


No" One OF Them PROCURED = MeN ~.
' ""'" T, u';I,a -
'"''"s '"' wa,
once assigned to duty ss orderly 10 zen
eral FsEan. Hamilton's character is
atudy. War. pestilence. nothing could
DESTROY hi. peculiar individuality. Ono
-, - oa,I,a an . r.,tls-
""s "ene'", ''''o y" r
man VINO i''eu Se'eia' i''''e' ''s''.'
from the camp Hamilton accom-
panied him He rode At regulation
distance behind the General. As they
neared the house. Fagan stopped at q
LARGE heavy gate of course, expecting
Hamilton 10 dismount and open il
Hamilton rode up and stopped. Pagan
looked at him: he looked at Fagan.
Fagan got down. without saving q
word, and opened the gate Hamilton
rode through and waited until the Gem
eral caught up with him. Pagan
hitched his own horse and, taking a
seat on the gallery. began q conversa-
ton with the man whom he had como
to see. Hamilton hitched his horse.
took a seat near Pagan, leaned back.
lighted cob pipe and took an active
mart in the conversation. Pagan was a
strict discipl marian. but he had such a
sense of humor that. excusing himself,
he went behind tn. house and laughed
until he grew red in the face.
In the same command there was an
other humorist a practical Joker
named Henry McNette, who is now .
pilot on the Arkansas River. Just at
this time in the history of the Confed-
eracy. rations became scarce. Parched
corn and sweet potatoes do very well
once in a long while, but are objection
able when taken as steady diet. Nc
Netts noticed that Lieutenant Nowln
frequently visited farm house,
the elegant country seat of Judge
Beach. He had often seen the
handsome Miss Beach. and he knew
that Nowlin was paving special atten-
tons to her. One day McNette went
to Judge Beach's house and rang the
door bell. When servant appeared.
McNette put his hat under his arm and
asked if he could see Miss Beach.
The servant crabbedly replied that he
would see. Presently Miss Beach ap-
peared.
"Is this Miss Beach," McNette
asked, a he humbly bowed to the
young lady.
Yes"
Lieutenant Nowlin, who is verv i'll.
ordered me to come over and ask you
to send him a broiled chicken and any
thing else that you think he might
{ relish "
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22

How to procure green fodder for
poultry in winter has been solved BY a
farmer at South Easton, Mass. He
sows a piece of rye in August quite
thickly. and by fertilizing freely he
gets it eighteen inches high-a mass OF
green vegetation. When frozen solid
and before the snow covers it, he cuts
and packs it away in an clubhouse,
where it remain frozen till needed.
Every day or two in winter he exposes
q portion of this to the warm air until
thawed. and then chops it fine for his
hens. A free use of this green food
alternately with boiled potatoes and
cabbage gives healthy fowls and an
abundance Of eggs.-Boston Bulletin.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
ITEMS OF INTEREST.

Lord Ronald Cover says that Am
ericans have little OF that .disgusting
patronage OF. manner that prevails in
England among the richer classes"
and none OF the no less disgusting
cringneSS that As greatly distinguishes
English merchants" "
Reading, Pa, is the leading hat CEN
ter of the United States, and of the
twenty-three establishments in the
State fifteen are located in Reading and
vici unity, manufacturing 5000 hats an
nually. The daily capacity OF the tit-
teen factories is about l,50O dozen each
day.
A German writer estimates the
number of blind persons in the world
at about loo. 900. This is not a mere
guess, but is based on accurate stats
tics. which show that, on the average.
there is one blind per r-on among every
l,40O; hence. As this planet has about
l,4O0. 100000 inhabitants, this would
make 100000 blind folks. Chicago
Journal.
William Van Tassel. of Tarrytown.
N. Y, was shot in the arm last fall
and, modification setting in, the doc
tors gave him up, as he WAS too weak to
submit to amputation. His arm came
off, however. without saw or knife. and
the stump healed and he is as well as
ever This is considered one of the
most remarks able cases on record.-N
Y. Mail.
A man in an English theater re
Gently Missed through the whole per
formance. His action was so marked
that he was finally asked why he did
So as the performance was one OF un-
usual merit He explained that his
throat had been operated on some time
before, and that it contained silver
tube. Whenever he was unusual Y
pleased kissing noise was the result
There was never a time in the pub
fishing business, says an expert. when
profiers of manuscript from women
were so numerous. Society bellies
seem TO have all at once caught the
fever Of authorship. As some houses
will publish almost anything in which
tie profit is assured but nothing from
untried pens without guarantee, they
can usually give definite answer to an
applicant without first reading the
copy. Chicago Mail
"A recent interesting exhibitio1 of
apparatus in Paris by DIR. Boudet. IN
cluded notifications of the telephone.
adapting the instrument to variety Of
medical uses in one form the pul>a-
tions of the blood vessels and all sorts
Of internal operations were very str X
ingly made audible, the observer being
able to hear at will the movements in
any part of the body. Another tele'
phonic appliance detected the presence
of stones in the bladder, and even made
known their character when present.
Value of Autographs.
A catalogue of autographs at hand
from reputable New York house
gives lot of ton letters. five of them
being autograph writings of George
Washington. These ten documents
are offered at thirty-tive dollars, or an
average of seven dollars for letter in
the hand of the father of his country.
A Confederate marine license bearing
the Richmond Treasury seal is offered
1t seven dollars. A letter by Lafayette
is valued at ten dollars. A letter
written and signed by Gladstone may
se had for 1915. President Cleve-
lands signature may be obtained for
twenty-five centS.-Cvrrent.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22

The latest swindle relating to
spurious money is the split bank note
fraud. A twenty dollar bank note 10
taken. and bv some ingenious method
the note is split in two, and the raw
side is ..doctored up" and each half is
passed off as genuine twenty dollar
note. The work is done so artistically
in most cases that it 10 difficult at first
- detect the fraud. m z. Heaaid
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22

-Buenos Ayres is one Of the most
prosperous cities in the world. but We
are so far removed from it that we
hardly realize its importance. 1t has
q population of four hundred thousand
people. and hundred and fifty
Thousand emigrants arrive in its harbor
each wear. There is no other city that
can show such rapid growth as this.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22

"A worthy farmer and his family Of
this county have been attending the
night services of protracted religious
meeting at a church in the country.
Sonnet mes they would walk. and
sometimes they would ride, The dis
tance being about one mile and a half
After the service was over the other
night the gentleman, wife and two
daughters walked home. and Just be.
fore going to bed the absent-minded
family happened to think that the
wagon and horse had been left at the
church. The gentleman walked back
70 the church and found his horse
hitcbed where he had left him. Mar
eta Ga journal.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22

The steamer Oregon. on . voy-
age from Portland Ore. to San Fran
cisco. encountered an immense whale.
and struck it with such force that the
big vessel shook from stem to stern. In
some unaccountable way the monsters
head then became wedged in betwoen
the rod Of the rudder and the vessel.
and in that way the whale vss carried
along with the steamer for several
hours.-Sdn Frdnctsco Chronicle.
Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-11-22
sADAM AND evs..
4 Solder Of Fortune and His Wife Reduced
to Crab Catching.

to Crab Catching.
Every morning visitors to the Central
market can see near the fish DEPART
ment an old and shriveled couple. be-
fore whom are placed baskets of crabs.
which they peddle out until the bell
strikes the hour for the closing Of tho
market The old man and his wife are
known as Adam and Eve" and spend
the day along the wharves. catching
crabs in nets and in the morning sell
them in the market and thus manage
to procure enough of the necessaries Of
life to keep body and soul together.
Their sleeping apartments u . 6xS
shanty on the western wharf. where
they have squatted for years. The old
man. whose name Is Bernard Buolenti,
speaks English very imperfectly, but in
q conversation bad with him . couple
of days since enough was learned to
show that his career had been . check
cred one. Born in the province of Ca
labria, in the southern part Of the Ital-
ian peninsula in 1915, his early DAYS
were passed in quiet manner in the
manufacture of the famous white and
red wines for which the province was
celebrated. and in the playing Of cards.
Q great passion among his countrymcn.
Marrying at the age Of twenty years.
he became involved in . difficulty
soon after with an Arnaout and
stabbing him to the heart hed to
Spain. arriving in the northern part Of
that country during the height of the
Carlist war. and espousing the cause OF
Don Carlos, followed his varying for
tunes until he was compelled to flee to
France in 1889. Buolenti then drifted
to Trieste. on the Adriatic. where hs
engaged in merchandising. andin a few
years acquired competence firing
of . commercial life he emigrsted to
South America, and entering the Bra
lillian army rose to the rank of Major
of cavalry. but for come fancied dis
obedience of orders, lost his commls-
sion. He then drifted to the Pacific
side. and remained in Chill for several
years. without bettering his condition.
When Maximilan moved upon Mexico.
Buolenti made his way to that country
and was given q subaltern's commis-
sion in the Austrian contingent and
served until the downfall and execution
of the Emperor at Queretoro. declining
to leave the country when Bazaine and
the foreign troops departed. After the
death of the Emperor. Buolenti, upon
whom age and hardships were making
inroads, made his way to Vera Cruz,
and eked out An existence in that place
until some years ago. when he managed
to get to Galveston with his wife on .
passing schooner. There he embarked in
the crab catching business. which he has
followed ever since. and the old couple.
dressed in rags. form one of the most
striking Of the many queer sights to be
seen along the water front of this
southern seaport. With all his poverty
the old man scorns to solicit aims, and.
with a spark Of pride. will exclairn:
me no tramp; me no beggar; me old
soldier.-Gaireston (Ter.) Cor. st.
L1uis Globe democrat.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1885-09-29

$50 for the week; the market dull and lower with
show for cearance extremes, $2.6004.80 for
sheep, and 81 nc for lambs.
Hogs-Receipts, Il, go making Sd. $50 for the
week; the market duh for live hogs at $405.
KANSAS CITY, Sept. 2S.-The Live Stock Indisa-
tor reports: Cattle--Receipts 2, 11S; shipments,
1,34O. The market was quiet at about Saturday s
prices; exporters. SIS % 054O good to choice shin
ping steers 81 80 as 20: to medium, 81. so
04.So; stockers and feeders. So Is 425 cows,
So 03. 25; grass Texas steers. So. 6003.40.
Hogs-Recepts, 4,055; shipments l,424. The
market for choice steady: others Sc lower; good
to choice, $37503.S5; common to medium, $500
O3.70.
Sheep-Receipts. none shipments. Ell. The mar
ket was steady fair to good muttons. $2.5O03;
common to medium. 81. 1928.
EAST LIBERTY, Sept. 28.-Cattle-The market
was slow and shade lower than last week. Receipts,
$3.50 head; shipments l ,007 head.
Hogs-The market dull; Phiadelphias. 50. 40
so. Workers. S4.2504.35 Receipts 5000
head: shipments 5 600 head
Sheep-In fair demand and slightly higher than last
week. Receipts. 3 800 head; shipments. 800 head
PHILADELPHIA, Sept 29.-Cattle in fair de-
$4. so as; medium So. % 04.25; common. $203.
mon lower, prime, 81. % so; good. SD. rs a A.;
Hogs-In fair demand. Receipts $50 selling from
$6.2506.5O.
CINCINNATI, Sept. 28.-Hogs quiet common and
light $3. % D4 25; packing and butchers, $3.7O0
40. Receipts, 1887; shipments SAG.