The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1885-04-02
DEAF.
How Peter Duffy Was Saved From Going
Into the Army.


During the darker days of the war,
when its holiday features had given
place to genuine blood and universal
sorrow; when the dazzling uniforms
had been dragged through che mud
and dust of many campaigns, and the
soil of every southern state had swat
lowed up the dear dust OF brothers and
sons, and when the roll of drums and
the flash of swords no longer won new
recruits to deaths grim carnival, there
came the draft, with all of the horrors,
but none OF the dearly-bought glory of
volunteer service.
Peter Duffy. an Irish blacksmith,
with young wife and a large family
OF helpless little children, was among
the first in southern Wisconsin to draw
sorrowful prize. He felt that he alb
solutely could not 90. He tried every
way to evade the call to certain death,
bat met with nothing but chagrin, rid
icule and defeat.
One day, Hon. James II. Earnest
was speaking in the state senate, when
a messenger came and told him that a
man outside the senate chamber wished
to see him. Owing TO some misunder-
standing. Mr.. Duff was ushered into the
room. He had a good deal of hair,
which he allowed TO grow in wild pro-
fusion. He did not hold himself re-
sponsible in any way for that hair. His
head looked like an old hair mattress
that had been turned wrong side out
by a cyclone and deserted by its friends.
He became the cynosure of all eyes.
The speech lost its interest and came
to a close.
Now, Peter" said Mr.. Earnest,
whats the matter with you?"
"Sinator. I'm kilt, Tm cold carpse.
GIe wife is a WILDLY. They DO have NE
grated, Jim. There's only hall a
moile bechCne me and paradoise. l
want you to see the President, or Jiff
Davis, or Gineral MickLillan. or some
OF thin byes and save me loife. If We
can't do it, Jim, I'm CORN oop, and me
wife is weepin' WILDLY bound for the
poor house beyant. Hip me out, Sin
ator. Pass a bill making it a iilony on
the hoigh SAFE to graft an Irish orpan
into this gineral massacree. Do that,
jim, and III pray for ye all me loife,
and the Lord knows you made it, too,
and I'll do all yer blacksmithin' at half
proice.
Mr.. Earnest thought all those things
We're impracticable.
Peter" said he, ''you seem to be
elected by an overwhelming majority
and I'm afraid your resignation would
not be accepted. Unless you fail to
pass the medical examination, you'll
have to go, guess"
Then Mr.. Duffy thought of some
thing.
''Sinator, to tell the trooth, l can't
hear very well meSelf Whin | was an
apprentice, a red mool knocked the
dayloights out OF he and impaired me
listener"
MIR. Earnest had never noticed this,
But he really didn't want to see Duffy
90. and in the kindness of his heart he
encouraged the idea little. He even
went over to see DR.. Hoyt at Camp
Randall, and while they made some
scientific experiments with lemons and
sugar and spirits, he drew the CONVEX
sauon toward Mr.. Duffy.
The next day Mr.. Earnest told Peter
to come down to the Park Hotel and
visit him at his room. At the appoint
ed hour Senator Earnest produced q
list of questions and told Mr. Duffy
that he would have to answer these
satisfactorily. Patiently they set to
work like a class of students who have
secretly secured a list of queries prior
to the day OF examination. Every day,
after the Legislative session had closed,
Mr. Earnest would repair to his room
in company with Mr.. Duffy, and they
would go through the rehearsal. Fin
ally. tie time for Duify's examination
came, and Senator Earnest had to 90
to Camp Randall to assist. 4 question
would be propounded to Peter, and he
would turn with great gravity and
him, and ask:
"What do he say Jin?" Then jim
would bawl the question into Duffy's
off ear The examination went on first
rate, only that Earnest nearly died
trying to keep a straight face. Finally
came the last test, which generally
caught the impostor. DR.. Hoyt turned
with great disgust to the other exam
ining surgeons and said:
"Gentlemen, we don't want this
bump on q log. He can't hear any
thing. l think we had better leave the
blankety-blank wooden-head at home,
where his family can attend to him and
see that he don't miss the resurrec-
tion.''
This was said in low tone Of voice
to catch the unwary Irishman, but
slowly he turned 10 Senator Earnest
and gravely inquired:
What do he say. Jim?'
Then Earnest, red in the face with
suppressed emotion. beloved into
Dufy's best ear:
''The-doctor-says s-you-can' t
hear-anything. He-thinks--you-
had-better- stay-here- -where-your
family ly-can-call-y -your-attention
to-the-resurrection. It'll Age, IN
Ne1c York Mercury,