Connecticut western news., 1885-04-15
WIT AND WISDOM.

BIape bnoL
 LET the office seek the man, and if he isn't tip-top man let the office hunt farther.
 DE BERY man whut kaint stan good luck is de bery man whut grumbles case he ain't got nuthin'.
 NArUR tries mighty hard not ter show favors. Ds frost whut kills de bad apples also kills the good onen.
 AN old Surinam sea captain used to remark, "We cannot do too much for our employers; neither will we."
 No NEW maple sugar is genuine unless the year and date of its manufacture is blown in the cake when 1t is cast.
 IT's mighty often de little thing dat puts CT pusson outen humor. De sting O CT bee hu'ts wus den de bite O CT dog.
 "PA, what's a schnitt of beer2" "Its what a man drinks when he wishes he didn't have anything to drink, my son."
 IT is difficult for a show to hire hall in any country town now. The rooms used for amusements are all opera houses.
 THE fact that the new Minister to England is called "professor" does not necessarily indicate that he is proprietor of a skating rink.
 THE following notice is said to be posted up in a church in Monroe Town ship, H.; "please deposet Tore Tobacer At the Dore by order of Dekens."
 IT IS dangerous thing to compliment the man who makes the opening speech at ward caucus. Nine times out of ten he'll want to go to the Legislature.
 "MY arms reach out-in vain-they fold the air" sings E. 0. Stedman in the Century. Of course they do. They always do when you get on roller skates.
 MINNEAPoLIs girls have red-ribbon clubs with the motto, ''The lips that touch wine shall never touch mine." Beer is becoming the popular beverage up there, and so the girls sing: "The lips that touch beer shall never come here"
 "WHY do you look so sleepy P' said cross mother to her daughter, as she came downstairs in the morning. ''Be- cause, mamma, the wind blew so hard it kept me awake nearly all night" "Well, see that it doesn't happen again, or it'll be worse for you"
 TEE teacher asked the small boy the nature of his fathers occupation. He hesitated and seemed reluctant to an- swer. "Come, Johnny, you must tell me. It's the rule" Very slowly came the reply: "He's the bearded lady in the Dime Museum three times a week. l"
 "WHE do you set sueh,a tough chicken before me?" indignantly exclaimed a fair damsel in a restaurant the other day. "Age before beauty, always, you know, ma'am," replied the polite attend. ant, who we'll knew how to serve his employer and tough chicken at the same time.
 "MRs. JONES'" exclaimed Smithers, sauntering into the breakfast room, "the war in China has removed one serious cause for complaint against you" "Against me 1" replied the presiding matron from behind the urn. "Yes, I see that the market reports quote tea as being stronger"
 soENE-Irish Land Court.-Sub.C Com missioner: "Now, Murphy, have you effected any improvement in this farm 2" Tenant: "I have, yer Honor Iyer since I got it I've been improvin' it. Bnt it's that sort O land the more ye Improve it the worse it get r'-[Court reduces the rent 25 per cent. l-Punch.
 WISDOM dwells in blue skies and broad sunshine, and the wide hills and the infinite waters; in peace of mind and freedom, and the worship of the earth. He is poverty-stricken who is so absorbed in the one little inclosure of which he holds the title deed that he loses his grasp on the bending universe.
 IT is by sympathy we enter into tho concerns of others, that we are moved as they are moved and never suffered to be indifferent spectators of almost any thing that men can do or suffer. For sympathy mayb be considered as a sort of institution by which we are put into the place of another man and affected in many respects as he is affected.
 "HoLY MosEs what is that?" ex- claimed fellow, as he sat up in bed and listened. "Itsounded as though lamp exploded down in the kitchen" he unused. After listening attentively for half an hour he once more laid down, saying: "oh, pshaw it couldn't have been that, or the house would have been in flames ere this. ."-Peck's Sun.
 THE news from Suakim is distrcssingly meagre, says an exchange. For in- stance, dispatch states that the enemy appeared in force in the direction of Handoub, and the men at work on the railroad ceased operations. Now, who were the enemy2 Did the men strike when they quit9 And did they join the enemy, or stand to one side to sec that the latter did not commence where they left off2 Railroad men quitting work in this country has but one significance.
 Hrs MupE.-A joke is told on q Sheriff of Georgia, who went out in the country to ''level" on a mule, but being told that the mules great age exempted him from levy, the Sheriff retraced his steps to town, a distance of nine miles,