Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1885-01-21
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

HUMOROUS ITEMS.
KATE FIELD is still giving the Nor
mons particular fits. Hades hath no
fury like Q superduous woman who has
got Left Lowell Bell.
II DON'T care how tamely ball that
give may open" said Mrs Darlington,
IF it only ends faslionably. You know
that all swell that ends swell" Boston
Times.
"WrE, did you bring your opera
why mo notP" "oh, I I: lett t my diamond so
rings at home on the washstand."-
Chicago News.
The Philadelphia Times has an article
on Elaborate Dog Jewelry:" Now,
whst is an elaborated dog?" We sup
pose, but don't know, that it is one who
is not curtailed.-[ Peoria Transcript.
sIF you are good little boy where
will you go?" asked the Sunday-school
teacher of the new pupil. ITO heaven,
man," was the reply. "And if you are
bad where will You be sent to?" ITO
bed, man,,
MOTHER to doctor: What is the mat
ter with my boy? Doctor: He is sick.
Mother with restful confidence: There!
I knew you could tell me what was the
matter with him. How fortunate that
you were near.
TWENTY-FIVE years ago there were
fifty cats where there is only one to-
day, says statistician, and the Philadel-
phia Gall adds that twenty-five years
ago there was one set of furs where
there are fifty to-day.
"DoN'T talk to me about Wagner. /
was an intimate friend of Rossini, and /
admire his music above all operas" II
think William Tell his best work"
"Do you know his 'Barber?'" @No; I
always shave myself"
A NEBRASKA court has given George
Foxea a verdict of 6 cents damages for
being tarred and feathered, He used
over 81 worth of soap to get the stuff
off, aud can't see where he has made any
money Detroit Free Press.
POLICEMAN -@Have you a permit to
play here?" Organ Grinder aNo,
but it amnses the little ones so
much" Policeman-"Then you will
have the goodness to accompany me-"
aVery we'll, sir, what do you wish to
sing?-[ F]iegende Blwtter.
A JERSEY maiden who had been up
braiding her somewhat dilatory lover
for having omitted to take her to place
of amusement the previous evening, re-
ceived the somewhat incongruous reply;
IF I'd knowed as you'd q want to
went I'd coined and took ye."
LAND1ADY-@Did you like the turkey
We had yesterday, Mr.. Smith," MI.
Smith-"Did I like him? Yes, indeed
why, I loved him! I used to think
when I was little child that perhaps,
after all should live the longest, and
the thought made me sad" Boston
Post.
"YEs," said the theatrical manager, Il
have had an application from an Indian
for a position in my company, and /
think I'll engage him" Indians can't
aot," said the star. what viii you do
with him when You get him?" well"
replied the manager, II think TIL try
him in Lo comedy Boston Courier.
A TEST of true love Gin Germany):
Lady-So, then out of true love for me,
you are prepared to do anything 1 ask
you? Gentleman-Without fail, pro-
vided the task is not physically or moral
ly impossible. Lady-Then set out for
America es soon as you can and don't
come back again for the next thirty
years"
THE other day precocious young
ster was asked it he was papa's
boy. He answered, EYES," "And arc
you mammals boy, too?" eyes," replied
Willie. "Well, how can you be papa's
boy and mammals boy both at the same
timer" Oh" he replied 1ndlnerently, |
@can't a wagon have two horses?" That
settled the questioner.
BUSINESS has been rather dull in
Texas this year. A Galveston drummer
who had made tour of the state, on
his return to Galveston was asked by
his boss: swell, did you get any
orderg?" II should smile. don't
think went into single store that I
wasn't ordered out by the proprietor
himself" Texas Siftings.
JUST starting on the wedding trip:
Young wife-"I am afraid, dear, that our
trip to Montreal and Quebec will be
very expensive" Young husband-"It
may be :rife expensive, but just think |
what delightful time We will have!"
Just ending the wedding trip: Young
wife-"What delightful time we have
had, dearl" Young husband-@Y Yes, we
have had a pleasant enough time, but
just think what an awful expense it has |
been!"-[ New York Sun.
DUMAS, the elder, had an enthusiastic !
but expensive cook, whose beef bills |
we're the delight and despair of his life.
That was an extraordinary fne roast of
beef we had last night at dinner" he
said one day. "What did it COST"
Fifteen francs" "Very good; it was
but don't have any more. A
roast of beef is only seen
1t it's best on somebody else's table,
From the French.
"PR1soNER," said Prosecutor Buxton,
you are charged with gambling" Gam
bling? What is gambing?" ~Playing
cards for money" "But I did not play
cards for money; / played cards for
chips" "Wel!, you got money for your
,hlp s st the end of the game, didn't
go. On xN>. r 1:1xx bouo orv o1,;r,n NJ |