News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-11-12
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
STRAY JOKES AND DASHES FOR
LEISURE HOUR READING.
A Disguised Briton-A Gentleman Burglar
The Visitors BiII-The Days of The
Week-A Trusted Citizen, Etc., Etc.
A GENTLEMANLY BURGLAR.

The Visitors BiII-The Days of Thu
Week-A Trusted Citizen, Etc., Etc.
A GENTLEMANLY BURGLAR.
Hearing a noise at night, Jones de-
scends with lighted candle and discov
ers burglar escaping with full sack
"Hello!' he cries, "come back, your
''Eh, what2"' returns the burglar
"ah, yes, e.silverr candlestick. Permit
me-" - -:
He takes it.from the hand of the as
tonished Jones ard puts it in his bag.
''Ten thousand. thanks. Have for
gotten anything elseg'
NO TINE FOR RETRosPEcT1oN.
Mrs. Muggs-Ah, Henry, I fear you
love me no longer.
Mr.. Muggs-What foolish ideal
'No, it isn't. We have been married
year, and you are perfectly indifferent
to me. can remember when you loved
me madly. Now you never speak OF
love-never refer to the past"
"Well, my dear, there's reason fol
it. Just now Pm dealing SO heavily in
futures that haven't time to think o1
the past. " Phila Call.
A DIsGUsTED BR1ToN.
An English nobleman IN reduced cir
cumstances moved to Western Texas.
Not long since the English exile, meet
ing Col. II. B. Andrews, Vice-President
of the Sunset Railroad, said =
''Hit's blawsted kentry, ye knaw.
Pm going 'ome to hold England"
whats the matter with the coun.
trya'
"Why, hits beastly. If man don't
work he don't get anything to eat, ye
knaw. could have that at 'ome much
cheaper, ye knaw."
A VERY PRACTICAL WOMAN.
This short, but pointed conversation
between two ladies was overheard in
front of the japanese wood carver's stall
at the Ignatious Hall exhibition. They
were attentively regarding the carved
figure valued at $4,000.
'It's q wonderful piece of work, OF
course; put wouldn't give $4,000 fol
any old wooden man."
swell, should say not. Why, if ]
had SO, 900 could afford to have live
one. San Franciscan.
SHORT HoMILY ON CHILDHOOD.
'Now, Bobby" warned the old gen.
tleman, as the family sat down to din
ner, "you mustn't bother Mr. Featherly
with foolish questions. In the presence
of older people little boys should be
seen, not heard"
81 was only goin' to ask him one, y
said Bobby, with an injured air
"All right, Bobby" laughed Feather
ly, very much amused, 'tgo ahead. You
mustn't be too hard on Robby, Mr.. Hen
dricks," he continued, turning to that
gentleman, ''little boys are all alike
the world to them is full of the strang'
and inexplicablel And, after all, wha
Er-what is it, Bobby, that you want t
ask mep
II was goin' to ask you about you
eyes"
''My eyesp
eyes. Pa says that silver dollar t,
you looks as big as cartwheel."
THE WARNING.
Materfamilias to Tommy, who il
helping himself literally to currant jan
at the supper table)-"Tommy, after the
solemn warning you had, l should think
you would not eat SO much preserves.
Tommy-''What solemn warning,
mammal"
Materfamilias death of Jumbo
he died of too much jam, you know.
Pittsburgh Chronicle.
THE DETECTIVE AND THE SMALLPOX.
Pinkerton Ito one of his men)-Har-
ris, here is case in Montreal that
want worked up.
Harris-All right, sir.
Pinkerton-But there is smallpox
there, and am afraid that you will
catch it.
Harris drawing himself up proudly
You forget sir, that am detective.
-PhaIa. Chronicle.
GROUND FOR BREACH OF PROMISE.
Attorney-Miss Someage, you are the
plaintiff in this suit for breach of prom
ise, believe9
"Yes, sir"
"And Mr. Squint, here is the defend
anti"
"Yes, SIR"
"Well, Miss Someage, you may tell
the Court how and when he promised to
make you his wife"
SIT was on the Sd CT September last,
sir. went into his photograph gallery
and asked him if he would take me,
and he said he would. ~ Chicago Neaos.
AN EXTRA QUARTER.
A peddler of tinware in one of the
mountain counties of this State called
at q farm house the other day, where
the woman wanted to sell him bear
skin.
"'Tain't worth no great shakes, ~
said the peddler, after looking it over
''The bar was killed two months too
early"
''How much2" asked the woman.
"About seventy-five cents"
''See here, stranger" she continued,
as she gave the skin a rub, "when tell
you that this ERE bar clawed my hus
band to death less'n two months ago,
and that I'm still grievin' widder-wo-
man, can't you make the price dollar?'
Being a man of sentiment and tinware
combined, he said he could.-Wull
Street Neaos.
''HULLsALE AND RETAIL"
The West is nothing if not pushing.
A New Yorker who was passing through
Nebraska last summer found hamlet
which boasted of only single store,
and above the door was the sign: "Hull-
sale and retail"
'Do you do much wholesaling hereP
asked the traveller.
"Well, yes; but it's mostly confined
to whisky"
'"What's the difference in your prices9'
"Oh, nothing to speak of. When
they buy a gallon at hullsale l throw in
cork to the jug. When they buy al
retail let the burned critters make one
out of wiregrass themselves. y Val
Street NeaoS.
HOW THEY MADE 1T OUT.
s'Who is that old duffer9' asked the
new groceryman, of the milkman, as {
well-dressed man went by.
''Why, he's one of our most trusted
citizens" was the eloquent reply.
''How do you make that out9 HI
has been owing me bill ever since
came here"
''That's Just how we make it out,
laughed the milkman, gleefully, anc
the groceryman scratched his head unit
he caught on.-MerchGnt ITG0eter.
APPROACHING.
The time is fast approaching whel
the visitor to the sanctum will step IL
smiling and confident, and just as he il