Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1885-11-21
GHOSTS.
A Humorous Sketch by One Who is Not
Afraid of Spirits.

|
| A Humorous Sketch by One Who is Not
| Afraid of Spirits.
| l am not afraid of ghosts. The time was
| when | could not meet ghost in a lonely
| spot and the pale moonlight or have a
| ghost come to me in the dead waste and
| middle of the night and lay one of its cold,
| clammy hands upon my brow and beckon
| with the other for me to get up and follow
| it, without being scared; but now l would
| not mind little thing like that.
| have been close reader of ghost stories
and l have noticed that no person has been
hurt by ghost up to the hour of going to
press. 1t would seem, therefore, that q
! ghost is about the only harmless sort of a
| thing that is in the habit of running about
| loose in the night time.
If you have ever met ghost, you know,
| of course, that it does not come out of its
hole and go fooGng around in the damp
night air to do you bodily harm. 1t comes
out and steals softly to you merely because
it cannot rest until it has gotten something
off its mind and it wants you to help it.
| Sometimes it has lot of money buried
| down in the cellar or underneath the
| kitchen hearth, and it wants you to dig it
up and have it for your own. Now, it
| seems to me hard, indeed, that any person
| should turn away from a ghost when it is
| in that sort of distress. If there is ghost
| about my premises, and it has money
buried in the cellar or under the hearth, or
| elsewhere and it cannot lie as comfortably
as l can until have that money, and the
| ghost will come to me any night when
am not too tired to dig for a ghosts hard
! earned savings, and will awake me and
| beckon with one long ghostly arm, and
| then-if it is female ghost-will step
outside a moment while put on enough
clothes to keep me from feeling embarrassed
in the presence of female ghost, l will
gladly follow where it leads, and dig in any
| spot it may select.
ways, and l will get out of bed almost any
night and dig up money and put it in my
pocket, if in that way l can give ghost
eternal peace. Ghosts that have money
buried will please make note of the fact
| that am at home to ghosts from II o clock
midnight to A. NJ, and that a cold, clam
my hand on my brow will generally awake
me. If not, gentle tug at my left ear will
bring the answer.
There is another class of restless ghosts
who go about in the night wanting folks to
avenge their wrongs. They are usually the
ghosts of murdered people, and they can't
enjoy their rest until their murderer is
punished. Then they can turn over on the
other side and be comfortable. That sort of
ghost will oblige me by going to some other
shop. | am not in the avenging business
this season. | am perfectly willing to
oblige ghost by getting up in the middle
of the night to dig up its money if | can
thus give it rest and contentment. But if it
has any wrongs it wants to have avenged, |
must respectfully ask it to call up some
J other man who is a better avenger than
am. My health is not robust enough to
for good reliable avenger; and when |
have any avenging of my own to do, / al
ways hire practical avenger, rather than
attempt to do my own avenging. Ghosts
who intend to call on me for assistance
will please bear this fact in mind and gov
ern themselves accordingly.
, Owing to the popular impression, very
erroneous one, however, that ghosts are
troublesome in tAe family, a thoroughly
well haunted house is about the worst
piece of investment property a person can
own. 1t is hard to keep prompt-paying
tenant in a haunted house, and l have
heard of beautiful $4,000 home being
sold for a mere song because it contained
just one frolicsome ghost. If any reader of
these lines has a $4,000 haunted house.
, and he will sell it for song, | will take it
and hire some sweet singer to sing the
, song. Nobody would want to give even a
haunted house to hear me sing. Those
: who hear me sing are willing to pay al
most any price / ask to have me quit
Some of my MARBLE would break up q
: congregation quicker than the announce
ment of collection to put a new roof on
: the church.
When | was boy thought | would be
somewhat shy in the presence of a ghost
, | did not think | could feel perfectly al
: ease at a lonely haunted spot or in my
: chamber with a pale, unhappy ghost that
wanted a favor done, and / didn't want
money bad enough then to dig for ghost
, savings. There was one spot commonly
reported to be haunted, which | was re-
; quired to often pass in the night time, and
| usually held my hat on at such times and
/ passed the haunted spot in a sort of hurry
And, besides, | went armed. | carried on
those occasions in my trousers pocket one
f of those old-time self-cocking revolvers
: commonly called pepper box" One Of
them was no fool of burden for a small
boy TO carry, and every person who has
carried a revolving pepper-box knows
how hard it is to hit barn with one Of
! them at twenty PAGES.
How / ever expected TO hit ghost and
: hurt it with my " pepper box" while was
: at dead run is mystery to me now; brIt
} many difficulties that are so apparent tC
age escape the budding mind of small
boy. OF course | might had sense enough
to know that | could not hurt ghost any
} way; that a ghost might be shot as full OF
holes as a coander without adding to Its
customary load of unhappiness. But that
fact never entered my then young mind.
After had carried that heavy pepper.
box" past that haunted spot fifty or sixty
nights without seeing a ghost, OF waiting tc
learn if there was a ghost there which
wanted to see me, | tried to shoot it off one
day at stray dog, and then | discovered
that it hadn't been able to explode a cap in
five years. That is why 1 was allowed to
t have it.
When / realized how basely l had been
, deceived by that old revolver, which had
3 worn out my pockets and stunted me, and
which wouldn't have shot ghost if | had
met field full of them, was mad. l have
not since carried a revolver of any sort, and
when | walk by night a ghost may come
into my presence with perfect freedom and
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