The Arkansaw traveler., 1885-11-21
For THx ARKANsAw TRAvKLxR. THE BoLoGNA--ANcIENT AND
 MODERN.
BY BIJoU THARP.

This fruit is not grown in Arkansaw
 nor indeed anywhere else in the south
 but like the wooden nutmeg" "red
 wood ham," "the bloody shirt" anc
 "slippers made from the cuticle of hu,
 man paupers," is manufactured at present
 "up north"
 While studying to become an exper,
 chemist some years ago and while exper.
 mentally engaged in analyzing the ssom-
 ach and contents of medical college
 stiff," that l night become pro6cie ii
 as an expert witness in poison cases
 some playful class-mate of mine, in my
 absence from the laboratory, surrepti.
 tiously emptied my j AT of its contents and substituted for the human stomach had placed in it large sized specimen of bo- logna sausage. Dissolving the mass and proceeding with the analysis, my astonishment knew no bounds when every test applied by me to the residuum in. variably showed exclusively, all of the component parts, in fluid, of elephant meat!
 My sportive friend fearing his practi- cal joke would result in an overthrow of my reason, after discovering that was on the verge of becoming rAving maniac confessed all to me, and was himself al founded at my scientific acumen.
 Thus # was that lincontinently became interested in this staple of provision deal. CTS, and got at the true inwardness- made discovery of the profound secret of the mysterious manufacture of this crazy quilt" physical pabulum, so to speak, as it has now become.
 But like the French sardine the origi. nal imported bologna has been Ameri- canized and courterieited for correc, analysis of the pristine original edible in question would show very different re- suit indeed from like practical diagno. sis of the modern free.lunch fodder of this species.
 The genuine, until the recent killing of Forepaugh's crazy elephant and the death of Barnum's " Jumbo" was always imported, like the cholera, from across the briny deep," being composed oi elephant meat pounded up by the natives who killed them for their ivory, and stuffed in the large intestines of these gi- gantic mamalias, while the modern coun. terfeit manufactured up north have noth ing of the elephant about them save its stomach and other intestines which form the covering of this variegated meat mar. ket, nowadays.
 A careful analysis of the modern bo- logna shows up mule meat, raw dog, beef shank, weinerwurst, soap grease, limburger cheese, bulls blood, stagger weed, trace of garlic and the presence of nicotiRe from tobacco smoke. l do not copy from my notebook the tech nical analysis showing in what propor- tions these are found lest the unlearned reader should thirk me pedantic, and a hebitudinous erudite scientific dude, like a mugwump."
 Notwithstanding the fact that very many persons have died rom consump- tion-a consumption of this meiange of carhal substances heterogeneously iabri- cated, combined and compounded to- gether, and this menagerie of inanimate animal promiscuosity Cor words to that effect, as it were) yet I have never at any time discovered arsenic or other mineral p bison to be present in it in appreciable | quantities, and so conclude that death l after its use, ensues invariably from acute galloping indigestion, sewer gas or hem. orrhoids.
 Since the death of Jumbo I have ob- served bolognas made as originally from genuine elephant meat, done up in sec tions of his largest intestine, and think that one of our Philadelphia groceis has a half ton package of the Simon pure, ante nte-oleomargarine, oriental article. This is saying good deal for the enterprise | of an Philadelphia grocer, to be sure, for in the elephant, there is so much of 4 round steak " obtainable which is read. fly sold at the price of the bologna per pound, that it no longer pays to work it up in that way. But none of our me- chants are slouches."
 should judge that bologna is a good thing for the agriculrurist and the horti- and unquali6edly recommend t S<~ &kaur-n. q f>r&,l;xe~