Northern tribune. [volume] (Cheboygan, Mich.) 1875-1885, 1885-06-11
A CINCINNATI cHuMp.

CHICAGO, ILL.,, May ga days sojourn
Heated denizen of Cincinnati reveals
many strange features of the peculiari-
ties of the human race az represented by
the people of Chicago. 1t would prob
ably be unkind to say that the people OF
Chicago are all cranks, because their
peculiarities may be caused by some
thing else. But they are mighty queer
lot. II you go into restaurant and ask
for meal or lunch the waiter will
ask you if You want it on the fly.
ION the fy?" you repeat. What do
you mean by thaty
"Will you sit down and eat or do You
wish to have your order served while
you are proceeding at rapid gait
through the streets?'
"Great God, man, do yOn serve meals
to people in that fashion here?'
certainly, SIT. If you are in a hurry
to turn trick you need not lose a mo-
ment in taking your lunch. Well fit
you out In the best style and send man
along with you to hold in front of you
the meal, of which you can partake
while you rapidly walk in any direc-
tiOn."
Not il know myself. You just give
me a chair with plenty of beeswax Oh
the seat and chain the whole business
to the floor so that can eat in peace.
I'm no photographers on wheels"
VERY good, sir. You're not resident
Of Chicago, see?"
"You can bet 100 to one 1 amt, and
Pm in with you as often as you can get
takers. And, Furthermore, don't want
to be resident of Chicago il that's the
way a fellow is expected to live"
Out On the street a stranger constant
ly catches himself wondering where the
fire Is, so great in the rush of people who
fit by him pell-mell as he saunters
along in regulation Vine street step.
Then he imagines that the whole market
of the world centers in Chicago. Every
body has CLASSY stare in his off eye.
and is forever mumbling something
about stocks, grains. and provisions. 1t
is simply awful.
Ii is notorious that the climate Of
Chicago is frigid. No wonder. It's tho
people. They are the coolest folks on
earth. man who gets broke anywhere
else has only to lay in stock of over
coats and 60 to Chicago. Every stranger
that strikes the town has got to bay an
OvercOat or die. There is no other
choice.
This is a funny place to find your way
in. If you ask anybody for information,
it Is thousand to two that the fellow
you. ask will not pay the least attention
to you, but will keep on in his mad and
rapid career as though ne were on his
way to Canada with flock of sheriffs
after him. The writer tried to lass0 a
dozen or fifteen men, one at time, to
ask where some place was. Failing in
each attempt that was made in a Chris
tian manner, another tack was taken.
A nice, large, trusty rock was procured.
good opportunity was watched for, and
a nimbls young fellow who came trip
ping along was basted in dead earnest
| fairly and sOuarly on the left side of the
head. But with brush of the hand,
and the remark that flies were ID
early this year, the young fellow passed
on as uncOncerned as though snow
| flake had alighted upon his classic
| features.
Desperation now seized upon the sup
| plant for information, and another
scheme was determined upon. i'm the hope
that they would come his way the next
| deal. street was found where ditch
about eighteen feet deep had been dug,
probably in search of war TumOr with
which to- work the market. stand
was taken alongside OF the ditch, and
the first man that came along was yank-
ed into the cavern by the writer. who
proceeded to jump on top OF the victim
with both feet before escape was posi-
BILE. Then followed the dialogue given
below:
Say"
want to buy or SELF" interrupted the
Chicago citizen.
BUY or sell whatY"
"May, June, July, spot or anything"
BUY nothing, Colonel. want some
information"
want pointer, eh?"
Commission in advance. $3.50
please"
Thunder and Mars, man, you don't
propose to charge me $3.50 for telling
me where Randolph street is, do yOu?'
Business is Business, young man
Come to center. and be quick about it,
You owe me $l8 now"
"What fOr?"
"Time lost. Settle"
By the time the chump from Cincin
natl could climb out Of the ditch he was
compelled to telegraph home for money
1t is not surprising that so many good
people 20 broke i'm Chicago.
Coming across the street stand OF
b0Otblack, the scribe concluded to in
dulge i'm shine. During the progress
of the work the sinner was asked what
time it was, ard also If he could change
half dollar. At the conclusion of the
job the boy was chucked nickel, thai
being the price of shine according to
the law and the prophets, as indicated
by conspicuous sign.
Dollar and thirty cents more, please,
said the artist.
"HOw's that?"
Extra charge for information"
what information"
'AnsweriR questions as to the time 01
day and relative to change"