Wessington Springs herald. (Wessington Springs, Aurora County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1891, 1885-05-08
a CHAIN or TROUBLES.
1ne Misfortunes of q Man Who Headed the
Complaints of His Wife.

1ne Misf"rtunes of u Man Who Needed the
Complaints of His Wife.
"John simpkins, your miserable
meanness viii have us in the poor
house some Of these days!"
This was the exclamation of Mrs.
John Simpkins when her husband re-
turned from his work.
whats the matter new, dearP' was
his mild response.
"Why, the door-mat has been stolen
again. That's the third one we've lost
in two months. Why don't you buy a
chain, and fasten the mat to the door
SLIP 1t couldn't be lost then"
swell, dear, Ill attend to it in the
morning."
The next day simpki2s bought the
chain and panlock, and fastened up the
mat at if it We're a mad bulldog.
"Ihat's something like sense" said
Mrs. Simpkins.
All went merry as a marriage-bell
until Simpkins prepared to 60 to his
club that evening. He had an appoint
ment to meet a friend at the club to
discuss a business matter of great inn
portance, and as he finished dressing
he discovered that he was late. He
started out of his room with q rush.
"Wait a minute, john" called his
wife over the stairs, as he went down
two steps at a time.
Cant stop now," he replied.
"But | want to tell you something"
Cant wait now," he said, looking
back to wave his hand at her as he
sailed out Of the door. .
Bang! Bump! R-r-r-r-r! Zip, boom!
Simpkins tripped over the mat-chain,
and went ricocheting down the steps
first on the back Of his head, and then
on the front of his back. As he reached
the bottom, he bounded off into space,
and struck a man who was just coming
by.
Crash!
The air was full of glass-splinters.
The man passing by had been carrying
a twenty-dollar mirror, and it had been
knocked into about four hundred mir
rors. One Of the pieces flew
out in the street and hit
Butcher Jones' bulldog right in
the left eye. Maddened with pain,
the animal grabbed at the first thing
that came in his way. This happened
to be the hind-leg Of a cab-horse stand.
ing in front of Miss Millicent Hya'
cinth's door. The cab-horse sprane
forward and dashed up the street, the
dog holding on and kiyi-ing at every
jump. At the corner Of the street the
horse swerved and sailed wildly into
fruit-stand.
The fruitman used a spirit-lamp tc
illuminate his wares. The lamp was
upset, and the spirit set fire to the
woodwork Of the stand. In a moment
the awning was in a blaze, and flames
were shooting upward along the side
of Butcher Jones' store.
"Fire, fret" yelled the small boy OF
the corner.
"Murder! murder!' yelled Simpkins
who had recovered his breath.
"Stop theft" shouted the man VIII,
had been carrying the looking-glass
A policeman, who by some speria
dispensation of Providence happened t.
be at hand, rang the tire-alarm on tn
corner.
Clang! clang! went the fire bells
as the engines came laundering up til
street.
"Firc! fre!" yelled the small boy.
"Oh. Lord! Murder!!" yelled Simp
kins, as the man who had been carryin.
the looking-glass thumped him in tn
neck and then in the eye.
3"Where's the 1ire?" yelled the Fir
Marshal.
elm the butchers housew shoute'
the policeman. The next minute
two-inch stream of water was pouring
down Butcher Jones' back, as he sat il
front of his parlor fire, reading.
"Hold on! Thunder and turf! Grea
Scott!' shouted the butcher; "what'
the matter?:" @ .
"Your house is on fre!'. shouted tn
fireman at the window.
"No, it isn't!" screamed Jones.
"Then where is the fire?" asked tn
fireman.
sIt's the fruit stand!". shouted tn
small boy.
"Why, that's all burnt up" said tn
fireman.
..Then the fires out" said the police
man.
And as the engines went home, tn
fireman saw four men carrying Simp
kins into the house on a litter.
And two months afterward Simpkin
footed up his entire losses on the pur
chase of the chain and lock, as pc
broken mirror, damage to self, doctor
bills, loss of business proposed b,
friend at club. and lawyers fees TO
defense in ssits brought by fruitma1
and Butcher Jones, at eight THOUSAND
dollars. He will allow one door-ma
to go to perdition every week hereafter
-Puck.
4 ESQUlMAU GAMES.
Favorite Gambling Diversions of h In
habitants of the Arctic Regions.
A favorite Esquimau amusement
L. A~lro IS Tho 1on~ ha p1oo1 roS1cr