Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1885-10-02
ADVICE FOR KURNEL JOHNSON.
Brother Gardner Expresses a Con-
tempt for Original Theories.
Detroit Free Press

cam Kurnel Paradox johnson ia
de hall dis evenin'?" blandly inquired
Brother Gardner, as the regular
weekly meeting opened on the forty
seventh degree in due and regular
shape.
The "Kurnel'' arose. He was there.
Some time ago he invented the theory
that Canada thistles could be cultivat>
ed to bear mustard plasters, and his
countenance betrayed the fact that he
expected to be patted on the back, and
ordered to take the stool of honor, un
der the bear traps.
"Kurnel Johnson will please step
dis way" continued the president,
and the kurnel advanced to the front.
bestowing look of three ply contempt
on Hon. Erastus Furlong, as he passed
him.
sBrudder Johnson" said the presi-
dent, as the victim stood before him,
with folded arms, 81 want to spoke to
you in de plainest English language.
I learn dat you have invented the
ory2'
Eyes, sah."
SIT has bin long time workin' to a
climax"
"Bout a var, sah."
81 thought so. 1t was bout a var
ago dat 1 noticed you quit work, an
began to sot around on de curbstone.
You didn't cotch on to dis theory wid>
out hard struggled"
"No, sab. 1t jist almos' upset my
mind y
81 thought SO. l remember when
YOU gin up de curbstone for saloon
society. Later on you began to play
craps an policy Toward de last
agony of your struggle you began to
shake dice an buy lottery tickets on
de money your wife ARMED at de
washtub. 1nventing a theory am
powerful hard work, Brudder John~
son."
Eyes, sah."
"It am so hard dat your wife and
chill'en am now beggin' fur bread an
ole clothes, while you am in debt to
every body who'd trust you, and your
landlord am gwine to frow you out O.
de house." =.
"I-I is sorry, sab, but l couldn't
help it." -, 49,, ,,,.,,,,,-
dent in a voice which made Elder
Toots shiver like faded burdock in a
winters gale. Il want to say to you
an to all other members of dis club
freu you, dat no Guild man in Amer
lea has any business wild theory
an original theory. If white folks
has got time huff an money huff to
loaf around an diskiver-in der own
minds-dat de moon am full O. jack
asses which gallep up an down, or
dat de norf star contains race O PEG
pie who walk on DER heads an feed
themselves wild DER toes, dat's all right.
De problem wild de Guild man am,
fust, bread an butter; second, house
rent an raiment; third, SIGH eddlca-
shun as will enable him an his'n to
write and receive letters; keep posted
on current events; figger up how much
a weeks wages comes to at dollar a
day; realize dat de Atlantic am upon
one side of us an de Pacific on de
odder, an hev de sense to go 10 de
polls an vote fur honest, decent can
didates, no matter on what ticket der
names appear. l shan't fine you, an.
1 doan't want TO expel you, but you
will retire to de ante room wild Givea-
dam Jones fur espace of ten minutes.
If you hold to any pertickler theory
arier he gets freu wild you it will be
soumethin' you am perfeckly welcome
to!"
When the "kurnel" returned to the
hall after the ''proceedings' he was a
changed man. One coat tail was ems
tirely missing, the other badly batter,
ed and his general appearance was
that of man who had met the tall
end of a cyclone in country where
there was nothing to hang to.