Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1885-11-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

execution" observed the condemned muir
derer. what is it ," THE suspense"
From some peoples imperviousness to a
joke you might infer that they belong to
double-skull race-ifthey wern't 50 slow.
NO, Viola, we hardly think it possible
that the reason they call them giddy girlsi is
because they are 50 apt to make the young
mems heads swim"
Boy ofthe period nterrupting where Go
Hath defiautly dares David to the fray: "Oh,
skip all that, ma; he is only blowin'; want
to know who licked
An old provcrb SAYS: "All things come To
him that wait" If the man fees the waiter
some of the things will come to him much
sooner.
Mary Ellen Chase says there will be- three
women to one mau n heaven. This is in di-
rect conflict with the popular belief that
heaven Is place of rest and peace.
Boy lwho doe, not appreciatei>crmon -
Well, I'd just like to know what preachng's
for anyway? Small Sistcr-Why, its TO
give the singers rest.
Grandpa, dear, we have come to wish YOU
many happy returns of your.birthday ;sand
mamma SAYS ifyou will give us each a.dollar
we are not 10 lose it on our way home
Mamma-"Don't YOU think, Emma, you
are getting little too old TO he playing with
the boys 80 much?" Emma-"I know it,
but the older get the better like EN-"
4 rumor has reached us that Miss Maggie
Mitchell has been engaged by prominent
manager as leading juvenile for the next sea-
son This is Mis-, Mitchcll's second child
hood season.
An.Ohio court has decided that man il
the owner ofhis wife's clothes. II his wifc's
new bonnet at any time does not please him.
Inc can wear it himself This is very i'm
portant decision.
Old Deacon Dobson boasted that he was
always prepared for the worst" aud so
he was, for he always kept DIR. Bulls Cough
Syrup in the house, regarding it the only
safe remedy for coughs and colds.
"What is more awful to contemplate" said
lecturer, glaring about him, than the re-
sistless power of malestrom ?" And hen
pecked looking man in the rear of the build
ing softly replied "FemaIeStrom"
Il must congratulate YOU on your marri.
age, Mr. Pugsby Your wife is charming
woman" "She is indeed; loving, amiablc
and accomplished, and 20 easily pleased"
ooh. knew that when heard that she was
about To marry YOU"
say, Bobby" whispered Feathcrly, "was
your sister pleased to learn that ! had called
upon herr" YES indeed she was," replied
Bobby. when mother told her that Mr.
Featherly had called while she was out she
-aid, Thank heaven"
In anticipation Of a large influx OF coun.
try people on circus day, an enterprising
DanyilIe merchant strung tho following sug-
gestive sign across the walk in front Of bi-
grocery store; Don't go somewhere else TO
be .windled walk in here"
\ Sunday school teacher in nearby
town asked little girl Of her class il she had
been baptized. Yes" said the little girl,
1.-TWO times" 1.-TWO times Why, how could
that be-" exclaimed the teacher ut didn't
take the first time, said the little girl.
my dear" said Harlem wife who had
been married three year, a. she bcamcd a.
cross the table on her lord aud master, tell
me what attracted you To me. What pleas.
ant characteristic did possess which placed
me above other women in your sight?" And
her lord and master simply said, give it
up"
Young lady just returned from Saratoga
(to friend)-Wc saw a great deal Of that
young Mr.. Algernon de Courcey at Saratoga,
Clara He is delightful. lie paid me spe-
cial attention. Have YOU ever met him?
Clara quietly yes. Algcrnon wrote
nae that he had been polite 10 YOU on my ac-
count
II understand your son is married, Mr..
Todgcr" "Oh, yes the dear boy has quit
scattering his wild oats and settled down at
last" Did he do well I" "Do well Why,
bless your sweet life, ma'am, he married
girl from Bo-ton who wears gold specks and
talks a though she'd bolted dictionary.
Do well? Well, ! should twittcr"
"Thing- are not what they seem, in Eng
lish. The confding foreign student who
thought he had got reasonable grip on our
respected mother tongue, j. inclined to throw
to the dogs, since he finds that
screw-driver is not necessarily a hackman,
nor an spiary monkey show and that an
American cocktail has no feathers.
Father-Come right out in the back yard,
my son ri make YOU see stars. SOn-Are
we going to make an American flag, father:
Father-What do you mean, YOU young ras-
cal Son-Why, I'm going to provide the
stars while you furnish the stripes. Father
falling on his neck Where did you inner
it thi- brilliancy? Ofwith your coat. son.
must cave YOU or perish IN the attempt.
The frightful railroad wreck in New Jer-
scy last week by which nine lives were lost.