Morning journal and courier., 1885-07-23
FIRST.
JOHN P. PHILLIPS.

''How shall sell my gold mine?" writes a correspondent of western paper. The first thing, we believe, is to catch your fool.- New York Graphic
 Gail Hamilton thinks that women would not make good soldiers. It can't be because they're not accustomed to face powder Philadelphia North American.
 Policeman Adds, of Philadelphia, recently tried to arrest rough who fired on him, but the ball was stopped by suspender button. This little incident shows that Policeman Addis has wife.-Texas Siftings.
 Scene-Table d'hote at fashionable hotel on Deeside, big market day. Farmer of the old school has dined. Waiter-'' Finished, sira" Farmer-"Fat's the charges" Waiter Hive shillings, please" Farmer (startled)
 Five shillin'sl Weel, I'm nae deen yet" Resumes operations.
 Sour.-Brown (who has been off early to return Miss Jenkins stray pug, instead of taking Miss Smith rowing, promised): "Oh, mol I didn't go alone, Miss Smith There were two of us-a man and @ puppy" Miss Smith-''And what has become of the man2'-Columbia Spectator. Mott street dealer to boy with exceedingly short pants-s'Dey is shust little short, but den you is growin' poy." "But woan't dey be shotah when grows, bosss'' ''Mein kra- ciousi Do you tink your feet will grow down the floor intoa You vas crazy, eh? Of course you grow up Into 'em-'-Llfe. "Say, pap, the tailor was very much aston ished when you went in his place the other day to borrow that umbrella" "Astonished Why?" ''He said you was like the public building" t'Ah! Public building? Great work, my son." 'sThat wasn't the reason. He thought you was going to settle. ."-Phila- I delphia Call.
 A western man from the prairies of Egyp- ! tian Illinois was looking at the Catskin mountains from the deck of Hudson river steamboat. s'What do you think of the scenery?' asked fellow passenger. "Well, D he said critically, "It's fair, stranger; it's 1 fair But it strikes me that it's little too hilly. Livingston Freeman. Educational Item-Some of the students ! at the University of Texas disturbed one of 1 the professors during his lecture. He re- l monstrated with them time or so, but the disturbance was continued, whereupon he ! lost all patience and exclaimed, angrily: 'tGentlemen, such gentlemen as you are, gentlemen, are no gentlemen at all, gentle men. ."-Texas Siftings.
 | Every Rose has it's Thorn. s1 wish, | mamma, {" said little Johnny Fizzletop, ''that 1 lived in South Africa" EWhy, my son, do you wish you lived in South Africaa'' ''Why, the mammas down there don't wear 1 any slippers, you know" EYes, my son, | but you must also remember that little boys l in South Africa don't wear any pants either. D l "Thats so," said Johnnie; s'it's queer never | thought anything about that. ."-Texas Sift- ings.
 ! festive young man bought yacht, 1 And within it he soon placed a cacht;
 That he said was 'as neat as dacht;' 1 And he found that much comfort he gacht ! In drinking his whiskey quite hacht;
 What his friends said he cared not jacht; | For of cheek and brass he'd lacht; I Mind advice he avowed that he nacht; | At last he became such sacht
 Folks were glad when he went to pacht."
 Chicago Sun.