The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1885-05-13
WIT AND HUMoR.


! conversation; Is this Mr.. Ficlds9
1T is, SIR. Mr. James I. Fields2
I Il am he. We'll. then. Ia like E
see Mr.. Tickuor,'
i love color. and think it Is one q
the mjsfoTiunes of our sex that We can
wear anything bat black, or grey. Der
haps. IN summer. Now. IN nature th
male i always the most gorgeous. bat
except in the time Of the cavaliers. tn
dress of men has been Somber Th
cavalier was magnificent I wish IA,
day Nigh, come when we might d~cS
50 again. 1 should Ike to flame ou
myself liauEhJerl j, but it Is too late, TO,
late -he3rs Har! Besc5tr.
Cicely had jus, dropped in to con
cratulate her friend on pleasant pros
poets directly after Lent 80. I'm ST
glad Tor YOU. INV dear. Augustus al
ways was such charming company
Oh. he's real nice. He paid me mark
ed attention half a dozen years AGO.
Indeed. / believe I've heard him -
something about You being a very dear
friend of his mother The cofie,
cream froze in che little quaint pitcher
on the table. So did the morning
conversation HuyTord Post
Pete Ousterbout is one of the mos,
rascauy negroes IN Galveston. He was
caught stealing poultry, aud brought
up before the justice. The evidence. ''
said the Judge. shows that You stole
the chickens from Colonel Jones hem
coop. and the fine should be five dol
lars. bot III Jet YOU Oh this time
Who wants ter be let OH. exclaimed
the prisoner. Il steals my chickens.
and / pays my fine. aud don't ask nuf-
I'm ob nobody. Dis heah miNin up sem
umeut and biznesS am what's ruiuin
de Ncntrv. -I,rsts Siftiu8s.
An o-year-old in the Lewiston Gram
mar-school was with the rest of the
class ia the hall the other dav. getting
ready for the Longfellow exercises
One OF the boys who was 10 take part
IN the exercises was absent. and the
teacher desiring 10 know what part the
abSeut boy was 20 take in the exercises.
looked down the class and asked.
"Nhat did James have9' Ont of the
row spake the S-year-old. with loud
voice that came right out from beneath
pug nose and honest eyes, and said:
james had the mumps. ma am. 80
Lerist0l0n (Jic.) JotrHaL
Insomnia Is a dreadful disease. ain t
it2' remarked a passenger from Fort
Wayne; now there's neighbor of
mine has a bad case of it. and that
poor mans suiierings have drove me
nearly wild. His house is only twenty
feet from mine. and can hear him at
nearly all hours of the night. I've laid
awake hours and hours Just on account
of him-Im so sympathetic. More
than that, L have prayed and prayed
that death might come to his relief .
strange that you should be so much
by his sleeplessness.' You
think so? Well, you wouldn't if YOU
could hear him some night He PLAYS
the flute. - Chicago Heral6.
Medical advice by telephone: Hus-
baud-"My wife has a severe pain in
the back of her neck. and complains of
a sort q soreness in the stomach. -
-''Shc has malarial collie" "
Husband What shall / do Tor her?"
The girl at the central switches
off to a machinist talking to sawmilI
man. Machinist TO Husband-"I
think she is covered with scales about
an inch thick. Let her cool down dur
ng the night, and before she fires up
n the morning take a hammer and
1ound her thoroughly all over, and
hen take hose and hitch it TO the
ire-plug and wash her out. Husband
las no further need for this doctor. -
Le0nard'S Hodicat JOlraa'.
I was going up in one of the Youge
street cars the other evening. The car
vas well filled on both sides-ch chiefly
1y ladies and, being very narrow, it
vas next to impossible for one 70 move
u or out bv reason of the intcrlocked
Get of the passengers. 4 lady got on
he platform and sought 4 seat, but
here was None for her. 4 young man
1t the front of the car rose and offered
lis, but the new passenger cOuldn't {
make her way to it.. The other ladies
ooked back at her very inditlerently,
md. while it would be the easiest thing
II the world to move up a peg" none
If them budged. You may as well
axe your seat. sir - / heard some one
say to the young man; 'ladies never
make room for each other. Toronto
ontario Gio5e.
An Ottawa letter represents that the
Marquis of Lausdowne. the Governor
1encral. and his cousOrt endcaEor to
make themselves popular with the
Canadians and all local celebrities are
pretty sure Of gratifying attentions
rom them. Not long since the Marquis
saw in the local newspaper that a Ger
.ain gentleman. whose name CORES
Donded with that of native author,
was registered at an Ottawa hotel. Be
ieving il to be the author. their excel
.encies invited him TO dine. Dinner
was announced for half-past seven; but
at a quarter of eight a telephone mes
sage came: Can 90; I'm stuck for
a pair OF evening boots. Come on;
lid come. but he was not the author.
Good heavens, we've got the wrong
man, whispered an aide. "But we
must make the best of it now was
the hosts reply. He was a boisterous
commercial traveller, a driver Of fast
horses, aTrayed in massive chains and
elaborate rings.
Johnny Fizzletop, of Galveston, is
going to be the Vanderbilt of Texas
when he grows up. He IS not very in
dustrious at school but he has got a
wonderful head for business. Having
obtained private interview with his
teacher, Johnny asked: '.Am | going
to get a certificate that ! have been an
industrious boy during the past week?n
mo. Johnny. I'm afraid not. You do
not deserve any" Come. let US rea-
son about this matter. Ny father ha.
I
certificate. Now don't you see that
there IS money IN that for both Of us?
Don't you see that our interests are
mutual. You give me the certificate
and you will fondle a dollar right of
I'll give you 20 per cent, or one-hfth Of
what | get. The teacher, who, like
most teachers, was poor, half-starved
wretch. yielded to the temptation to
amass wealth. Johnny got the first
class certificate. and the pedagogue adj
hered to the dollar. To this day the
teacher IS not aware that Johnny got
SO instead OF - from his father
Te1as SVtings.
A story IS told Of a Naugatuck man
who purchased load of wood Of one Of
his neighbors. The wood was Of such
poor quality and so crooked that he
complained bitterly about it. Finally,
after exhausting his vocabulary, he
said: III ever see a meaner load of
wood than this I'll apologize to you
for what | have said: The man who
bought the load of wood moved to
Westport. and after several years had
passed came home one night and look
ed over load of wood that had been
left in his yard during the day. He
walked around it a few times, and
finally went into the house and said to
his wife. Il have got to 20 to Nauga-
tuck right away" What have YOU
got to 90 to Naugatuek now for?'' in
quired his wife. s.Why I told Mr.. So
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