The Clifton clarion., 1885-07-01
HUMOR.

Little Lilly-''Don't you think, doctor, that I look just like my mammal" Mother-"Hush, child, don't be vain."
 A little Boston boy being asked why Lots wife was turned into a pillar of salt, replied: Because she was too fresh, I guess"
 The old man now is looking slum,
 And every day he's glummer;
 His wife and daughters want to know
 Where they're going to spend the summer.
 Weddings resulting from chance acauaintances made during sum- mer vacations may we'll be pub lished under the head of "cas- ualties."
 '.Mamma," said Johnnie, who had just been reading the war news, "I am afraid we are short of sauce for supper. Hadn't you better call out the preserves9"
 Sunset Cox and Roscoe Conkling go abroad on the same steamer. This is steamer from which all private craft should keep away. With the Columbiad on deck and the Shotgun in the rigging it can defy anything.
 They had been married six weeks, and she said: 'Now don't co stay out late, but come home to GOT little wifey, tifeyr" They had been married six years, and she said: If you go out tonight, Smith, I'm going to lock up the house and go over and sleep at mothers"
 Two little boys talking: Say, Johnnie, would you strike a wo- mani" "No, sir; you bet I wouldn't. No man would unless he was coward" "Well, I would. I'd strike my own mother" What for, you wicked, wicked boy7" ''Fd strike her for nickle to buy a kite-string with" ."-Exchange.
 Little Girl from Chicago-"Our family is more aristocratic fam fly than yours" Little Girl from Boston-"No, it isn't. My mother can boast of her forefathers for the last two centurles." Little Girl from Chicago-'O, that is nothing. My mother can boast of four husbands in the last two years"
 My daughter, what made you look around in Trinity church so much this morning7 It disturbed me. What could you have been thinking of" "Well, I happened to think what a nice skating rink it would make if all the pews were taken out. Don't you think it would be just elegant"
 A Texas widow dressed in deep mourning after the death of her husband. An old friend of the family, a minister, meeting the widow, said solemnly: "You have no idea how I regret to see you wearing these sad habiliments of woe" "You can't be as sad about it as I am," responded the widow. "I look worse in black than any other color"
 We have heard Of a man being assaulted with almost every con- ceivable weapon, from a lighted lamp to a brickbat, and we even recall an old song in which the singer was wont to threaten to strike his audience with a feather or to stab them with rose; but 1t renamed for a Cambridge youngma to be fined for assault Ing lady with a sunbeam reflect ed from a mirror held in his hands.
 MT. Miller was bitten by his wife's dog, and the lady was so much exercised about it that she called in the doctor and stated the case to him. "Well, madam" said that gentleman, q can't say what the result will be, but you can determine if he has hydro phobia by offering him water" "How can I tell by that?" Simply enough; if he rejects the water with horror the dreadful disease has enchained him." But, doc tor, my husband is a Kentuckianw "O-ah-excuse me. l never thought of that. Call again this afternoon. I must look up the authorities"
 Oregon, where the Indian ques- tion is settled, is prospering. For xz.- xa11-z x.,-I H. xl