Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-03-11
spOOPENDyKE's TETGNS.
Mrs. spoopendyke Er'.'y"se"ed as to the
Makeup and Characteristics OF Her
Husband's New Subjects.


..Why. that's Just too sweet for any
thingr" squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke as
she absently dropped her thimble into
her coffee-cup in mistake for lump OF
sugar.
Mr.. Spoopendyke was standing on
the hearth-rug. his face flushed, his left
hand supporting his coat-tails. and his
right extended holding the letter which
told him of his succession to the chief
tainship of the Tetons.
ITS Just lovelyr' reiterated Mrs.
Spoopendyke. land we'll go and live
in a tent out on the prairies, and I'll be
q queen, and when the Teutons-
"Dod-gast the woman!' snorted MIR.
Spoopendvke, ''she thinks I'm the
Kaiser Wilhelm. What dye suppose
these Teutons are anyway? Think I'm
going to be long-haired German with
spectacles and an ophicleideP Dye
fancy Spoopendyke proposes opening
lager-beer hall and laying an embargo
on American hogs? Show me the man
that suspects me of hankering after
sauerkraut and duelling! Bring on
your man! Produce your measly indi-
vidualr' and he waved the letter threat
eningly at the stovepipe. They're
Tetons, that's what they are; the alb
original vermilion-tinted children of
the wind-swept Sierras! Tetons3'
We'll, Tea-things, then," moaned
Mrs. Spoopendyke. ..But l know
what they are. They are Indians, and
they live on a reservation and dog sau-
sages, and there won't be any more but
tons for us to sow on. And we'll live
in tent and teach baby the war
whoop, and and-and will they all
come and sit round us in a circle and
say Waugh! the pale-faced brother
speaks we'll when We call them togeth-
err"
I'VE! an what dye suppose you've
got to do with this thing? You'll be
one of my squaws," shouted Spoopen-
dyke.
"Oh-ow-w-wr' whined his spouse,
al won't be squaw, and you shan't
have more than one of me, will you
darling?"
'Well, don't you 60 thinking you've
got to run this tribe. If you do, when
any Pocahontas comes along
'.Well, but l won't" gurgled Mrs.
Spoopendyke. .I'll just sit and bead
moccasins for you, and I'll make my
self sacque of wigwam trimmed with
elk-teeth."
"Wigwam! eh? Don't you mean
wampum?" snarled Mr.. Spoopendyke.
Think I'm going to let the chiefs
squaw 90 round in full suit of tents?
Suppose you're going to have skirt
made of pine lumber faced with brick?
Going to give orders to contractor for
a full suit of underwear made of Ohio
sandstone with granite trimmings, and
a Queen Anne left wing to 'em. Like
to have your boots made of tire-clay,
and a mansard roof to your bonnet
tripmed with ightning-rods?
mo, of course l didn't; but I'll have
. sacque made of wampum, trimmed
with elks' teeth and eagle feathers, and
baby shall have beaded pelisse and
hood edged with pemmican and"
Great Scottr shouted Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, kicking over chair; ..what
dye think pemmican is? Want to dis
grace me by your ignorance before the
whole tribe? Perhaps you'd like to see
baby in night dress of hash and
cloak made of fricasseed chicken, trim
med with parsleyP Want to have him
dressed in olives with hood made of
fish ballsp Think the government is so
liberal with its rations that the Tetons
can afford to flaunt themselves in full
dress suits of jerked buffalo meat and
''Well, l thought pemmican was
to dress in. 1t sounds like
it," murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke as
she recommended fishing for the lost
with her little finger. But"
as she sucked her finger to dry it, 1--WE
will 90 out, won't we? and they will
call me the pale-faced lily of the land
Of the rising sun, and I'll wheel over
the prairies on beautiful milk-white
steed and scour-'
"Guess you will,' pulled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. I'D like to see my wife sit
ting on a measly, pink-eyed cayuse.
You'l II wheel the baby-carriage. that's
all you'll do, while Spoopendyke holds
the reins of government. and you can
scour the dod -gasted tin dishes"
well, but that's what Indian prin-
cesses always do" expostulated Mrs.
Spoopendyke, "and they call the steed
Oueecha. and they carry a bow and ar
row and shoot eagles with it, and at
night they gather round the fire and
light the peace pipes of the braves and
sing lullabies to the dusky papooses,
and
.'Oh, you know all about Indians,
don't you? You've spent your life on
an agency, haven't you? You only
need tabulated statement at one end
and to be mailed to contiding constit-
uency to be report of the secretary OF
the interior. You only want to embez-
zle few million dollars and keep to
headed clerks to be an Indian bu-
reau at Washington. If you were sold
for 20 cents and had plug tobacco ad-
vertisement on your hind cover You
would pass for a seaside edition of the
Last Of the Mohicans.' You've stud
led the red men, haven't youP You
say your prayers in Chinook. and talk
Sioux to the baby, don't you? Oh!
there's nothing worth knowing about
frontier life and buffalo-hunting that
you are not up in," snorted Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, as he pranced away to COM
pose his address to the president
"Well, / don't mind" soliloquized
Mrs. Spoopendyke. '1'll 60 and get
his Sunday pants, and cut them down
to half his size, and put fringe of red
flannel up the sides, and if he don't
like them, they'll do for the baby when
he grows up"
And she wiped the thimble on the