The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-02-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

<sO tCSChliNs hucN ohC VIM "oS
converted; he left the business, and
henceforth followed an honest life.
Haterbasy american.
Shot silks are very fash onaile. The
garment shonld DO hung over the back
fence and peppered with about four
charges OF BIB shot. Anything small
er is liable to produce t..e same effect
as moth holes. = burlington Free
Press.
Jones was playing billiards. Il de-
clare, he said. address Timmins.
who was looking on, 1.-The more l play
the worse play You've played
great deal haven't yous" asked Tim
minis quietly. Jones treated. .-Nea"
Orleans Picayaae.
A shrewd old lady cautioned her mar
Tied daughter against worrying her bus
band too much. and conc. uded by
saying: ''My child, a man is Ike an
egg. Kept in hot water little while
it may boil soft. but keep him there too
long and he harden.
Money doesn't always make the mare
go. Far man (who j. in something ot
hurry -Fll give you 50 TO get me 10
rhe station in three minutes. Cahman
(with provoking slowness) We'll,
sorr. YOU might corrupt me. but you
can't bribe that horse = Ha1raTd Lani-
Po8n.
One of orr physicians, driving in the
rain and mud the other day, was upset
an ditch. Some persons. seeing the
mishap, went 10 his assistance. Nlping
the mud from his ewes and mouth. he
said, 'aIood morning. gentlemen.
what can | do for you9'- Hatert0Wn
Observer
One of the attractions in a Philadel-
phia dime museum is ''human hy.
He probably caMe from Canada. Any
how, it is known that the human fly
there about the me--tiy time, so to
speak-a big bank defalcation is re-
ported in this country. Norristomn
Herald.
Afestiye dude came into our sanctum
He. had poem; We kindly thanktum.
With the ofiic. club we gently plank
tum over the top of his phizaranktum.
He swore an oath which sounded like
blanktum, and gazed at us like ding
ed old cranktum, and then there was a
vacancy in our sanctHm. Eransrilte
Argus.
Kate Field AYERS that she couldn't t
get q well-cooked dinner in Utah DUR
Ing eighteen months. A case of ''too
many cooks spoil the BROTH. We pre-
sumo, or else the wives were fighting
over who should pull the next handful
of hair out of the old mans head
Boston Globe.
Who says woman can't climb? An
old maid IN Massaehus it's saw dead
field mouse by the roadside the other
day, and in less than forty seconds she
was in the topmost crotch of an apple
tree, tucking her skirts, and peering
around among the branches for her
spectacles. Darlington Free Press.
The following advertisement recent
" appeared: Being aware that it is
indicate to advertise for husband, l
refrain from doing SO; but if any gen.
tleman should be inclined to advertise
for a fe, l will answer the advertise
meRt without delay. l am young, have
a good figure, am domesticated, and
considered ladyiike. Apply, etc"
Smillkins is the meanest man in
town, and VIII n a baby was left in 4
basket on Joinlings steps the other
night, he said THAT Johniing is an
awfully lucky fellow. >, Lucky" ejac-
uiated MIR. Greatheart. whom he was
addressing; .'what do you mean?"
Why said Smillkins, ..that basket was
worth 40 cents Washington Hatchet.
Have you got any more tender
steaks like that l bought the other
day?' asked q man OF butcher
80, yes, plenty. You found ii to he
good meat, ehp'' Yes, suits my pur-
pose. am very much annoyed by
dogs at nv house. have choked one
90 death and have my eve on another
one. Let me have pound. please.
kansaic 1rartier
A gentleman presents himself at po-
lice headquarters, and asked to have a
general alarm sent ont tor his daughter
who is believed to have eloped with the
coachman. Describe her if you
please" says the sergeant well, she
is dark-complected and wears a thin
gummy kind OF dress. cut bias, and, as
TO her age. why. she is two or three
years younger than YOU d take her TO
be-
':Smirh. how is it that You always
get such good bargainsa" queried
Jones. because was taught from
my infancy habits of thrift, patience
and economy" replied Smith. .sMy
father was always drumming into me
10 wait q little while and you'll pu'-
chase cheaper Why, even Inv mother
used to sing: 'Bye-low, baby. before /
could walk. Jones was perfectly sat
isfied with the explanation. Bosion
Courier.
A lady called on friend who had
only been married = few years and was
surprised TO tint her in tears. Il am
the most unhappy woman in town. and
at is all on account of NV husband. "
Why your husband lives for you alone.
He stays at home all the time; lie never
goes away from home: he never brings
any friends of his to the house. -
Yes, replied the un ortnnate woman,
putting her handkerchief to her face.
and sobbing gconyulsiyely. ''that's--what
makes-me-so-m e:able."
Milliken came home looking very dis
consulate. '.It's all up,'' he said 10 his
wife, II wasn't elected Everything
went all right until yesterday, and then
they raked up a charge against me for
horse stealing" ''But, my deaE why
didn't you make them back up the
charge?" Back it up? That's just
where the trouble YVES. Some of our
ward committee, like blame fools, kept
crying for proof and documents,
and they got them. boston Jango.
Kosciusko Murphy is not very we'll
informed yeung man, but he never
misses an opportunity of having his say
and he frequently puts his foot into it.
A few days ago two Austin gentlemen
were talking n a restaurant. 81 hard
ly think Gen. Wolseley win get over the
cataraets," said one of them. LAS l
understand it the cataracts are to be re-
Inoyed." responded the other gem
heman. Then he will get over it,
interrupted Murphy, who was sitting
at table close by. IL had an uncle
who had two cataracts removed and he
got over it.-1eras Syti,tgs.
A maiden lady of Philadelphia was
q witness in court the 9th day, and
when sworn was requested to kiss the
Bible. She refus d, say ng that it was
SO long since she had K ssed anything
that she had forgotten how it was
Ia ctr