The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-03-06
VARIETIES.

An old maid in Nashville keeps parrot
that swears and monkey which chews tobac.
CO. She says that between the two she
doesn't miss a husband very much.
40, mamma" said a child of five, "I'm so
glad there was flood p "Why, my child ?"
exclaimed mamma. Because, ifthere hadn't
been any flood, shouldn't have had Noah's
ark; and l do love my ark"
-Scene-Teacher with reading class. Boy
(reading): "And she sailed down the river"
Teacher: "Why are ships called 'she'?" Boy
(precociously alive to the responsibilities of
his seX) Because they need men to manage
them"
He stood corrected: Boston girls are not
ignorant of geometry. A young Bostonian
handed his girl lozenge shaped like heart,
the other night. "What is this ?" she asked.
ut is kiss" he replied. "a kiss is not heart
shaped" she said. "No?" mo, it is elliptic
CAL"
Mo-" said the Vermont deacon, II don't
approve of boss racin', but when another
member of the church becomes so goddess as
to try to pass me on the road comm home
from meetin' feel it my duty TO let out u lit
tie on the reins, just to keep him from putin
his trust in earthly things"
Harris Murdoch, who has just returned
from U "Trip NOItu uses COlnpHCdleu WOTuS
since his return. Being in the opera house
with Miss Youngman, he said: "i'he acous-
tics in this theatre are bad. Don't you no.
tice it ?" mo, don't smell anything Pc
cular," replied the young lady.
"A lawyer walked down the street the
other day with his arm taxed to hold lot of
law books. "Why, thought you carried all
that stuff in your head p observed a citizen.
Il do" quietly replied the young lawyer with
a knowing wink, "these are for the Judge of
the District Court" .7
There was a court-martial held on a
young officer who had gone on a spree and
had fight in bar-room. The bar proprie-
tor was brought before the court and put in
the witness box. The prisoner was placed in
full view. Witness, do you recognize the
prisoner" "Yes, your Honor, and most of
the court"
Just as a lover had dropped on his knees
and began popping the question pet poodle,
who thought the proceedings rather strange,
made dash for him. With remarkable nerve
for woman, the girl reached over, grabbed
the dog by the neck, at the same time calmly
uttering, "Go on, George, dear, I'm listening
to what you are saying"
The following is said to be very good
eggless fruit cake: Take two cupfuls of mo-
lasses, one Cup1ul OF Drown sugar, one cupful
of butter, one pound OF raisins, half pound
of currants, one small nutmeg, one table
spoonful of cinnamon, one teaspoonful of
cloves, two level teaspoonfuls saeratus dis
solved in one cupful of hot water and flour
to make tolerably stiff.
Grandpa Crying to be severe)-"Now,
Mabel, tell me why you didn't put that quar-
ter l gave you into the plate at church this
morning. like to see little girl give cheer
fully and let not her right hand know what
her left hand doeth.'" Incorrigible grand
daughter (who is saving the money for candy
"Thats just the trouble, grandpa My right
hand thought my left was putting it in, and
my left hand thought my right was, and so
between the two of them it didn't get put in
at all"
"A story is told of a shrewish Scotchwo-
man who tried to wean her husband from the
dram shop by employing her brother to act
the part of ghost and Brighten John on his
way home. "Who are your" said the guild
man as the appartion rose before him from
behind bush. II am Aud Nick" was the
reply. "Came AVA, man." said John, moth
ing daunted; "gie's shake O. your hand II
am married tae a sister O. yours"