Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-12-21
WOBIAN's TEARS.
Bill Nye Disoourses Pathetically on the
Peculiar Properties of the Saline
Article.
From Tie Boston Globe.

From tie Boston Globe.
have put in long and exhausting day
in the court to-day IN the case of Merkins
vs.. Merklns, a suit for divorce in which |
am the counsel for the plaintiff. Eliza
Jane Merkins.
The case itself is peculiarly trying
one, ana the plaintiff adds to it's horrors by
consulting me when ! want to do some
thing else. took b er case at an agreed
price. and so Mrs. Merkins is trying to
get her moneys worth by consulting me
10 a way | abhOr. She has consulted me
% every mood and tense that 1 know Of;
at my office, on the street, in church, at
The festive board, and at different fun
erals to which we both happened to be
called. Mrs. Merkins has hung like a
pail over several Massachusetts funerals
which otherwise had every symptom Of
success.
am a great admirer of woman as a
woman, but as a client in a suit for di-
VOroe she has her peculiarities. / have
seen Eliza in every phase of the case.
She has been calm and fearful, stormy
and snorting, lOw-spirited and red
nosed, violent and menacing, resigned
but sobby, trustful and confidential
high strung and naughty, crushed and
weepy.
She makes a specially of shedding the
red-hOt scalding tear wherever she can
obtain permission to do so. She has wept
in my wood box, in my spittOon, on my
desk and on my birthday. One tune she
came and sObbed on my shoulder. Her
tears are of the warm, damp kind, and
feel disagreeable as they roll down the
neck of a comparative stranger, who
never can be aught but friend. She
hner H.
wept. and | then discovered that she has
been in the habit Of wearing this bonnet
while cooking her buckwheat pancakes.
| presume she keeps her bonnet on all the
time so that she may be ready to dash
out, and consult me at all times without
delay. Still she ought not to do it, for
when she leans her head on the bosom Of
hercOunsel in order TO consult him he de-
tects the odor OF the early sausage and
the lleeting pancake.
You may bust such bonnet and crush it il
you will.
But the scent OF the pancake will cling
round il still.
AS soon as l saw that her object was "a
| lean up against me, and not only con-
| vulse herself with sObs, but that she in
/ tended to jar me also with her great woe
4 / told her that | would have to request
/ her TO avaunt. l then, as she did not aci
upon my suggestion, aVaunted her mYself
/ avaunted her into chair with sicken
ing thud. She then took her departure
with rising infection. On the fol
lowing day, however, ] found her al
the Office door. and she stood near
and consulted me again, while l TOOK
up the ashes and started \ fire In tbs
stove.
Her case is quite peculiar. She want,
divorce from her husband on the
| grounds Of cruelty to animals, or some
thing of that kind, and when she first tolC
me about il thought she had a case, but
when we came to trial l found that she
had had every reason TO believe that If she
could be segregated from Mr.. Mer
kins she could at once become the bride
OF q gentleman who plowed the raging
main.
Just as we went 10 the jury to-day with
the case, she heard casually that the gen
tleman who had been in the main plowinl
business had just married without he
knowledge or consent.
She was wild. She came up TO consul
me In the court room and made an eior
20 faint against me and stabHme in the pi
OF the stomach with her pancake-saturat
ed bonnet, but | evaded her and she fel
in the arms OF an attendant.
Luckily for her, we had 80 introduced
our testimony that the verdict was
against us, and she is still Mrs. Merkins
though she does not look happy. Neithe
does Mir. Merkins. A little cloud about tn,
size Of a dOOr-mat seems to have crossed
their horizon.
! would not again saturate my system
with the sorrows OF another. or hold my,
self in readiness for those who wished /,
come and weep on, for twice the income
now receive.
WOman's tears are a good thing in thell
place. They are first rate. But the wo
man who delays business with her de
structive wash0uts and her devastating
cOudbursts is an enemy TO our race
With this remark, ! eject Che cat, exiting
uish the binding glare Of tho candle, and
retire.