The Arkansaw traveler., 1885-01-03
LEARNING TO CHEW TOBACCO
through Mail.l

through Mail.l
 When was small boy, looked upon men who chewed tobacco in my presence as the masters of fine art. especially admired man who could squirt . small stream between his teeth and hit a dog in the eye. To me Goethe and Schillei were mere plebeians, compared with the man who could do that, and longed to equal him in expertness. My father did not use tobacco and my mother always pointed me to old Jake Lease, whose mouth looked like an exploded paint. bucket, as fearful example of tobacco chewing, and to old George Long, whose breath made four counties too mias. matic for health, as a frightful picture ol what smoking would do for fellow.
 But had set my mark high and could not be dissuaded by any such little epi- sodes as those. My ambition scared away to the c;ga:-csse and the caddy oi black plug tobacco, and all the energies of ray soul were concentrated on the end in view. A; last, foand opportunity within my grasp. Father hired a hand who chewed, aud on the following Satur. day, l vas mounted upon the back of the old sorrel mare and sent to the village for the weeks mail, half gallon of kerosene oil and three large plugs oi black navy che.ing tobacco.
 When the merchant passed out the tobacco, l asked him to cut a small piece of the end of each of the three plugs for me. He smiled a sweet, sad, Knowing smile and complied with my request. l took hearty bite of one of them and then meandered over to the post.office after the mail, splitting between my teeth ip protess onal style. When came from the office, 1 realized or thought realized that tobacco will remove superfuous flesh. felt as light as a feather, and l verify believe 1 could have been shot through the heart without feeling it.
 Some men giggled as they assisted me to climb on the back of the old sorrel but l did not care for that l had so much business sc attend ,o .o keep my dinner down that their jeers did no, nettie me in the least, and when was on the old mare, triumphantly spit again and started home at a limping canter.
 As soon as I was out of sight of the men who had seen me take it, l got rid of my quid in a hurry. l reeled in my saddle and felt competent to vomit up anything from bushel of green apples to the cargo of a Cunarder. l managed to keep aboard my ship, however, though 1t lurched fearfully, and was beginning to believe 1 would reach home in safety, when l met the object of my hearts warmest affection on the road. longed to take another chew and spit one of those chaTming!y lovely sPiss in her pres ence, and reached in my pocket and toox out the piece for that parpose. The sight of it set me gagging violently, and put 1t back again, but the war had begun, and up came my dinner. 1 felt as if it would never stop coming up until all my dinners for six months should join she C innumerable caravan, and vaguely sus pected that l should also throw up my sweethear's dinner, too. felt that ] could throw up all the dinners for miles around. and had sort Of dreamy notion to go into the business of doing the diff. cult emetic work of the neighborhood.
 Alter time the retching ceased and l felt as if it would make but little difier- ence to me what became of me. l thought 1 was dying, and could sec the angels lowering around me each offer ing me chew of tobacco. i slid off my horse and asked Rosalie if she would not smooth my brow while died. She said she would under ordinary circumstances, but just at that moment she was on the way to neighbor's to borrow a mop and could not stop by the way for trifes. 1 assured her that death was no uihing affair, and that for several days had lived only to get good chance to die in her arms, but she vas inexc..ble. She said nothing would give her more plea sure than to have me die in her arms, but would have to excuse her this time, as that mop must De procured without delay. The old mare went home alone, and when they went out to search for me, they found my corpse in fence corner, stone dead.