The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1885-02-07
Printed By Special Arrangement Nth the Autaor
TIN ELIXIR Or DEATH.
A sTOR Y.
BY BRANDER MATTHEWS.
Copyrighted 1885, by the Author-An Rights
ReserYed.l


night I shall have followed her across the mystic
threshold of darkness and of death 1t is just one
year to-day since she died, alone, on the desolate
ocean, in foreign ship, with no friend near her,
with only strange hands to do the last Offices of
this life, and with tongues yet stranger to an
swer her last words She died at 6 in the even
ing, and at 6 in the evening shall die as lonely
here in the great city as she on the dreary ocean.
At to night, in two or three short hours more.
when the chill wind falls down on the damp
streets, amid the hurrying roar which declares
that the day is done, shall leave this life, as nm
worthy to die as / am to live.
DO not die to punish my sin. l know
well that for me it would be punishment more
deadly to live, with my body worn and racked,
with my brain ON fire, with my heart dull and
heavy, with my conscience sharper than an asp,
with the awful knowledge have now of the hol-
Iowness of my life. There is nothing for me to
live for. / have no hopes-no desires even For
me the future is as black as the past. Annihi-
lation-to be blotted out absolutely
from the whole universe. to cease to be
suddenly-body and mind and soul--this is
the one thing could wish, and this one thing l
know cannot attain. At most can die; in life
can control myself; after death, what happiness
will happen-wthout effort on my part, and de-
spite my utmost effort should be foolish enough
to resist
Before die then. with the little strength now
left to me, and in spite of the gnawing pain
which will kill me at last, ! write this record Of
my search for the Elixir of Death. Curiosity
may lead some man to read 1.-THE same curl
osity which led me to my great crime, and
through the crime to the great discovery shall
9ot begin at my birth or at my bringing
ap; it is Of my death and not of my birth
chat curiosity will care to read. / am not yet
Swo- score years of age; shall die before have
STAINED half of the allotted years of man; and
my life has been lived along one line-I have
been an unceasing unhasting unresting inquir-
err have had always the same fatal and un-
quenchable curiosity which is the index of the
highest and most masculine genius, as it is also
the mark of the most feminine pettiness.
Twas youth of studious habits, with per
Sistent desire for investigation. especially in
queer and odd paths little trodden by the average
lnan-that personifcation of the humdrum and
She commonplace. from which / ever reyolted
7had this same taste as boy-if indeed
ever boy. Sometimes when have watched
other children, have wondered whether was
ever child myself; it seemed to me as though
had always been what was. A time came when
] hoped to have had my childhood in the society
of my own children; but now And vet.
perhaps it is best as it is; there are those who
wish for children that they may be
rained mp to continue great work. and
30, ,,l1 r
made my great discovery. and have nothing to
cave son but confession of the emptiness of
life, and the futility of desire. do not know
the meaning of family ties my father died be-
fore was born, and my mother died in giving
me birth. have always lived alone and lonely.
Oxcept during the few short months of nv mar
Mage.
When left college / spoke French, and Ger
man, and Italian; knew Greek and Latin better
Ahan most students of my age; and I had smat-
sering of Hebrew and Sanskrit. To science had
then given little attention, and / did not know
enough to be aware of my own ingorance NV
graduating thesis was on THE Deadlock of Sci
9nce;" found it two or three years ago. and was
surprised at the sharp reasoning and at the depth
Of my incompetence to attempt subject of
once to the study of law with youthful ardor.
which has now burnt out and consumed itself ut
terly, leaving not so much as the smouldering
ashes behind. i studied the old law books:
learnt Norman French; deciphered crumbline
and mouldy treatises on Roman law, written in
quaint medieval Latin full of queer elisions and
contractons. 1t was not long before discovered
that medical Jurisprudence interested me more
than any other branch of law. From Wharton
and Stille turned to the Gazette des Tribunaux.
and to the Newgate Calendar, until 1 had a
strange callousness to the details of physical
suffering which had for me morbid fascination.
/ read all the famous trials; / became an expert
on infanticide, on assault, on murder; studied
the details of death by strangulation, by the
sword or dagger, and by poison. found a
special charm in the investigation of dormant
charges of poisoning, freely banded about in
Italy and in France when the darkness of the
middle ages was clearing away and the principles
Of toxicology began to be better understood. 7
gave rehearing to many an accused. and
acquitted many victim who had fallen be-
meath the axe, while / sent to the scat
fold many king and emperor, many
prince and pope who had died comfortably in
his bed 800 years before was born became
learned in poisons; | knew the differences be-
tween vegetable and mineral poisons; knew
the antdotes and remedies; guessed the poison
which has no antidote. In the course of this
study soon felt the nsufficiency of my prepa.
ration for scientific research. and for the inves
<tgation of physiological subtleties l abandoned
the law, and gave myself up to the study of
medicine. enrolled myself at medical school,
and began at the beginning to conquer the
science OF medicine as had conquered the
science Of law. In this found my legal studies
and my linguistic training of the greatest use.
Time passed and was graduated For nv
thesis on THE Future of Toxicology, took a
prize. I did not seek to set up as a physician
after / received the diploma which gave me the
right TO cure OR to kill did not need the littlo