Crawford avalanche. (Grayling, Mich.) 1879-19??, 1885-10-08
UNCLE sis FAMILIAR EPISTLES
rz 10 INQUIRING YOUTH.
2-Serving it Hot for Would-be
UKOper."

An immature New York tough writes
to me as follows: olnpH
aMistur Unkel 81 ime in q snide
Shue Store 20 yeerp old am butt
XABter bee Roper Kopp fur short
ontu it Rich Cos It's Bully Racket a.
ime gonter Be Kop if You was Nee
wood you Be pleesman You Ken Bleed
de Quisby Blokes q Blowers az make
Stake every Day ime goin furit Sure
wood You, if yer Down on fellers yer
Ken Lay fur em q Mock de Stutfin
outen En- its Dizzy Rackit & ime
Qonter bee One woodn't You few was
Nee. yer Ken wurk de Gin mills to de
Oueans taist q bee hi Pye wild all de
Dazy survent gurls g. Play it sweat on
de APPEL wimmins fur Peenutts u
peeches yer Ken fish de Lushes pokes
q run EN- in fur Drunk & Disordly a.
swipe many fimsy a. the Salry is
Bang up 700 Dollers Yeer & Kountt
Nee in every Time"
Well, sir, termed you an "lmma-
ture tough" but, reperusing your un-
couth screed, must say that your inn
matureness is not that of the newborn
clam or unhedged tadpole, not at all.
All you require is slight experience
in the field congenial to you to become
blooming tough of the first water; OF
hickory incorrigibility il is in you. and
all it wants is an outing.
It is evident that the "Shue Store"
whether it or you is twenty years
old would be hard to tell by your let
ter, but 1 presume you refer to
your own age-is no place for
you or your capabilities. What you
most urgently require is place in the
field most congenial to your warped
nature; and the more Immediately the
better, as you would the sooner reach
the end of your tether, young man, 1t
being morally certain that you would
90 it with rush from the start, with
out any discretion whatever, thereby
being the more quickly brought down
| to the ring bolt, much to the relief OF
your fellow-citizens and portion of the
rest of mankind, probably. AS such
galoots as you-your letter justities the
use of this term, and the application OF
it to YOU can't be jerked up and
iugged for what they are capable of do
ing, the best way is to give them every
chance possible of showing their Gus
sedness, as quick means to the desired
end-the squelching of such galoots by
gallows and rope, or the secluding OF
| the same in stone residences of the
State; therefore, if you cant emulate
Tim Mccarthy, Of Oak street, your
city, young man, and become dive.
keeper of like cussedness OF caliber, by
all means do the next best thing, and
get appointed to the "fnest police force
in the world" as @chief" once termed
it, and which it fondly imagines itsen
to be, but which is thus ironically
termed by the citizens at large,
with others not "at large" many
| of whom, in durance vile, are better,
morally, than the same number OF the
"finest," picked at random.
| As New York "cop," young man oi
innate cussedness of soul, you will have
opportunities to follow your natural
bent, which is cussedness of eighteen
carats, fully equal, if not superior, tc
those enjoyed by diye-keepers OF tht
Mccarthy stamp, and / feel convinced
from your letter, that you will be fully
able to take advantage OF said oppor
| tunities, and make the most of them
You may not pull together as big &
Doodle as Tim Mccarthy, the Jay
| Gould of dive-keepers, has corralled II
the same length OF time, but fellow
of your internal sheolishness can dC
we'll until he runs the thing into the
ground, as il were, which you are
bound to do sooner or later. Should
you ever rise to captaincy in the
"finest, "your opportunities for harvest
ing a Doodle will increase in numbel
and volume, and the amount of filth
lucre you can hive for O "rainy day" :
this is figurative term for ian indef
mite period, as understood-need peyel
be known TO any one not inside you
own waistcoat, and will only be limit
ed by your desires in the direction o
wealth, be they moderate or the reverse
The captain of your 2o0th precinct
"blue nose" from the kingdom thereof
which is located somewhere in the fog
of old cheese density that enshroud tn,
far eastern portions of this otherwise
blest and happy hemisphere, has, IL il
alleged, by following the routes o
economy and foresight, not to mentiol
hindsight, and by "strict atten
ton Co business"-it is COLI
day when he doesn't attend to "busi
ness"-laid by store of the needfu
sufficient unto the end of his days, evei
i should these run mp into the hundred
of years, as did those of the late Ia
mented Mr.. Methuselah, Of Palestine
or some ranch contiguous; and thi
lay-by was erected on The foundation o
81, 900 yearly salary, and in q fey
short years; which goes to show tina
frugality is not confined to Congress
men. and that New York police cap