News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-06-04
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
STRAY BITS OF HUNOR FOUND IN
THE COLUMNS OF OUR EXCHANGES.
His Head was Turned-A Fathers Wish
Too Costly Willing TO Apologize A
Mighty Russian, ETC., Etc.
VERY USEFUL.

| Mighty Russian, Etc., ETC.
VERY USEFUL.
Landlord: 'I don't think this house
will suit you, madame. The price would
also be very high ON account of some ex-
ira additions which could not possibly be
of any use to you"
Lady (wishing to purchase house,: sT
don't know about that. What are the
additions ?"
Landlord: "Well, the house was origi-
nally built for machinist, who had a
twenty-ton steam hammer put up in his
cellar. Now that would not be of any
use to you"
Lady: "That would certainly be
decided advantage to me, for which
I would pay a considerably higher
price"
Landlord: Glow could you use such a
large hammer as that? A hammer that
size is only needed to fatten out the
heaviest kind of work"
Lady: 81 keep clearinghouse and
would use it to soften up the beefsteak.
PhilG. Call
THE MARSHAL.
"Good morning. May 1 ask where you
are from?"
81 am from Chicago, sir"
ooh Then / presume YOU are can
didate for United States Marshal Jones's
place ?"
mo, sir, am not"
"What, not q candidate in any
sense2"
"No, sir, not in any sense"
"Well, that's strange. MayI ask
your name Z"
eyes, sir. am United Sta ties Mar
shall Jones. Chicago Nea0s.
THE MINSTREL JOKE.
Yes, Sam, I got home late agin de
odder night. an my mudder she say:
''Chile, whar you bin out so late agm
dis yere night ?"
Use been out calm on a lady," I
says.
fore midnight ?' she says.
"Kaze I couldn't git away before.
Kaze de lady were sittin' on my hat,
an was too much of a gemman to
call her 'tention to de circumstance" I
says; m
look-a-yere, an you member dis now,
or you git left out. Next time you
J
! lap"
WILLING TO APOLOGIZE.
A young man became involved in a
difficulty, and in an evil hour accepted q
| challenge.
At the railroad station he said
anxiously to the ticket agent: "Did
couple of gentlemen buy tickets for R
within short time p
eyes, SIR" said the agent. "They
went to the lunch counter and ordered
gunpowder tea and rare roast beef, with
plenty of blood gravy, and then bought
two tickets to r. and return"
"And return By thunder II gasped
I'd better apologize"
THE DELICATE HINT.
Mabel is of very emotional nature,
and likes to read missives brimful of de-
votion, while Charles il of cool and
methodical temperament.
Charley, DEAR" she asked one day,
"why don't you send your letters regis
tered ?"
Registered" echoed Charley. "Do
you have any difficulty in receiving
them p
ooh, no." replied Mabel.
"Then why should 1 register them ?"
Because they are SO cold. "-St. Paul
Herald
DISCHARGE.
An ex-Confederate story-teller says
that during one of Lees battles near
Richmond he saw a comrade ON his
knees, with his hand held over his head,
crying out, "Come along, furlough;
come along" He wanted to have a fin
ger taken off by bullet so that he
could go home. An officer came up be-
hind him and gave him q violent kick.
The soldier cried, eff that amt dis
charge, I'll be hanged" He said
afterward that he thought a piece of
bursted shell had struck him,-Ha,D-
ki'asviLLe (GG.) Ne,Os.
TOO COSTLY.
''Say, Bob, you're out with Miss
Parsons, amt your"
"Yes, Joe."
"What happened"
''She's experimenting too lavishly,"
Experimenting What at ?"
Crying to cure freckles by eating
ice-cream."
"Well, why ought you to care?'
"Oh, l don't, provided it's at some
other fellows expense. 1t was costing
me dollar and half freckIe. -
PHILADELPHIA eau.
SWEET ASSURANCE.
81 can't find my toothbrush any
where" said a Cottage Hill young
lady, looking all over the house for the
article
"Tll len you mine, accommodatingIy
suggested the colored kitchen-girl.
''Oh, no, thanks p replied the young
lady, turning away.
''You needn't hab no combustion about
takin' it, MISS" persisted the girl, ''for
Is used yours sometimes when L couldn't
find mine. oil city Derrick.
WISH.
"I'd like to plant you. I think You
might grow up very WE'LL" said old
Crusty to his daughters beau.
"Well. sir, I don't know why you
speak so to me"
"You don't2 Well, aren't you in the
habit of holding up my front gate a
good deal ?"
"Yes, sir, 1 admit that 1 lean up
against it good deal with Melinda"
Just so. We plant seeds for the
same reason-because they propagate"
st. Louis Republican.
MIGHTY RUSSIAN.
Hurrah for General Obrontcheff!
Hurrah for what he'll do
Whene'er the guns of England wake,
Oh, Observation-Disclosures |
Great Obrontcheff has ever been
Where England's banner blew: ]
The tawny lion turns his tail
For Observation-Disclosures
Oh where's the hero greater than
Great Observation-Disclosures?
Hail, sterDutation Obrontcheff
Thy portrait let us view
-COluier-.J0uTndl
A SroRY.-Out Of every /, 200 people
born into this world of sin and sorrow
an exchange tells us fully 999 either do
not know good story when they hear
it, forget it after they have heard it. or
do not know how TO repeat it themselves
or haven't good Judgment about whom