Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
We didn't know that the gentle,
musical mosquito was at all inclined
to drink, yet we sec people putting up
bars for them.-Ex.
Cats are expert climbers.-Texas
Siftings. So they are, but We wish
they could be transported to some
other clime.-Boston Bulletin.
Atmospherical knowledge is moi
thoroughly distributed in our schools
A boy, being asked, "What is mist T.
vaguely resonded: "An umbrella. ;
Chicago Tribune.
A Kentucky man recently threw q
glass of water in friends face and
instantly killed him. 1t is supposed
that few drops of the fluid entered
his mouth and were swallowed. .-Ex
! Discussion between wise child
and its tutor: "That star you see up
there is bigger than the world" "No
it isn't" "Yes, it is" "Then why
don't it keep the rain of'?"-Sunday
Herald.
Jones, through the lather: Strange
| never can grow good beard, and
yet my grandfather had one three
feet long" Hairdresser: Cant &C,
count for it. sir-unless you take after
your grandmother. ."-Ex.
Connecticut possesses a calf with
out eyes or tail. Connecticut never
likes to make more of an outlay than
she can possibly help, but this strikes
us that this is carrying economy a
little too far.-Chicago Tribune.
"What is the first thing to be done
in case of fre?' asked a teacher.
"Sue the insurance company" prompt
ly answered boy at the foot of the
class, whose father had his house
burned out twice. Chicago Times
Mamie: "Why, Sadie, you have
let your hair grow dark again. Last
time saw you it was lovely blonde. +"
Sadie-"Yes; but you know l am
in mourning now for poor dear papa.
I'm not wearing light shades at ALL"
Rambler.
"When | marry" said a budding
school girl, 81 want tall, fine look
ing man." There's where you're
wrong, sis" said her more practical
mother: you'll have less trouble
watching an ugly man and enjoy more
of his company."-Ex.
"Now, George, you must divide the
cake honorably with your brother
Charles" "What is honorably, moth
er?' ut means that you must give
him the larger piece" "Then, moth
er, I'd rather that Charles should di-
vide it."-Philadelphia Call.
$50 your husband is contractor.
In what particular line is he" Tn
the debt line" "In the debt line ?"
"Yes, he has contracted about S10.-
900 worth of debts during the last
two years. Everybody says he is
very successful in his business. "-Ex.
"Boss, said darkey to a florist,
"speakin' oh prices, would you say Il
flower am riz or am gone up?' "Well,
speaking of buds" replied the dealer,
pointing to beautiful Marechal Neil
81 would say that flower is rose"
The darkey blossomed out with blind
staggers.-Ex.
"a tender mother, who heard that
an earthquake was expected, sent her
two boys to a friend in the country.
After few days she received letter
from her friend in question, who
wrote: "By all means take your two
boys home and send me the earth
quake instead. ."-Ex.
A Cincinnati court laughed con-
sumedly for five minutes when it
came out, in the course of a trial,
that the pistol which a women swore
was the one with which her husband
had threatened to shoot her was the
faucet of beer barrel. Womanly
instinct recognized it as an equally
deadly weapon for her happiness
Elk.
Pretty cousin (to young doctor) :
$50 you are full Aedged doctor, are
you, Tom p Young doctor: Eyes
| got my diploma last week." Pretty
cousin: "Have you any specialty?'
Young doctor: Eyes, l shall make
children's diseases a speciality" Pret-
ty cousin; "Ah, yes, l see; and as
you gain experience in your profess
sion yeu will be able to attend older
neonle Thni's rinht Tnm henin af