Daily Republican., 1885-05-28
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT.

/" Pa" said little Henry, there was
lady spoke to me in the street just
now" How do you know she was q
lady, Henry ?" asked his pa, quizzing-
ly. "Oh, l know she WAS lady, pa,
coz the hairpins was sticking ont of
her head all around, and her hair was
all snarly, like Fido's. l heard ma
say that hair combed smooth was quite
vulgar, and no lady would have her
head look az though 1t had been pressed
with q hot iron."
I" am 30 sorry you could not come
to my wedding, but you got the piece
of cake sent you, didn't you? / made
it myself" Mr.. Oldback "Oh, yes,
1t arrived safely" 81 am 30 glad | /
sent you an awful big piece, because ]
was sure you would like it. 1t must
have weighed nearly two pounds.
Is that all ? thought 1t weighed
about twenty pounds" Indeed ?
Why, when 2" After l had eaten
it,"
widow called at the sculptor's
studio to see the clay model of the bust
OF her late husband. 81 can change it
In any particular that you may desire,
madam }" said the artist. The woman
regarded 1t with fearful eyes. "The
nose is large" "a large nose is an in.
dication Of goodness" responded the
attentive and versatile artist. The
widow wiped away her tears and
sobbed: "Well, then, make the nose
larger"
Two men, seated at opposite ends of
long table got up violent quarrel
between themselves. One said: eff
were alongside you would strike you
on the face. Consider the blow given. "
The other, with the utmost coolness, re-
piled "If l were alongside You 1
would run my sword through your
body: Be good enough to consider your.
self dead
A physician, after listening with
| torture to pressing account Of "eymp.
tons from lady, who allied 30 little
that she was going to the opera that
evening, happily escaped from the room,
when he was urgently requested to step
up stairs again. 1t was to ask him
| whether She might eat some oysters.
Yes, madam" said the physician,
"shells and ALL"
AT some Of tho Western fairs great
secret" ia sold in sealed ENVELOPES at
ten cents apiece. Here il the secret:
Never buy an article before examin-
ing 1t. Ifyou had known this before you
| woul Id not have paid ten cents for II
worthless envelope when you could
have got u dozen good ones for the same
price"
Several schoolgirls were discussing
their future vocations. One of them
waR going TO be an artist, another a
poetess, etc. "And what are you going
to be?" one OF them asked little girl
who had not said anything. We
made up my mind that FL be rich
widow when l grow up" was the
demure reply.
Ma, do the little ducks like water?''
Yes, dear" But they don't like
to be;out, in the rain, do they?" "Oh,
yes, they do" Then why does nurse
take an umbrella with her when she
goes out in the rain? She's n little
| duck" Who says so?" Pa; l
heard him tell her she was little duck
yesterday"
Yes, sir coffee Is q healthful
drink" remarked = man yesterday
saw in the paper that Mrs. Taylor
who has passed her ninety.ninth birth
day, drinks eight cups OF coffee day"
Oh, pshaw" replied another "if she
had drunk only two, she'd have been
! over hundred years old by this
| time"
Killing two birds with one stone The
following inscription Is TO be read on a
gravestone in Pere ,Lachaise Here
lies Gabrielle ", my adored spouse
an angel | shall never get over hei
loss 4 * Here lies Henriette ",
my second wife, AN angel also"
| Small girl " Aren't you awfully
glad to he on land sometimes?" Uvcle
Why, what do you mean? l fiattel
myself that am on land the most Of
the time" Small girl You are ? Why
papa says that Whenever he SECS you,
lyou are about halfseas over"
| At ball.-Little Brown, confidential
ly, before waltz: 3" We sha'n't get OF
very well, I'm afraid but it's not be
cause ] can't do the step. It's having
TO keep time with tho music that put!
me out. | suppose you don't lind i
that way with you?''
" Do you love solitude, Miss Smith?'
do, indeed" she replied. a fter q
few moments silence: " 1 think I'll be
going" con, don't Ego yet, Mr.
Brown :" But / thought you like d
to be alone ?" So do, but tina
need not hurry YOU"
| "No woman is educatcd," says {
critic, Nv no is not equal 10 the su ccessfu
management of IL family" When yor
zee man leave his clue at 9p. m., anC
run all the way home, you may be sur,
his wife is highly educated.
A won an can look . mau straight il
the eye, blink and talk to him by tn,
hour, while all the ,ime she is pulling
her neighbours new tornct TO piece
mentally, and deeoret: Ter own. n,
mortal man can do It.
" Let me SEQ. You knew Clayson
didn't you ?' Oh, yes, | knew hin
we'll" Well, poor fellow, he's out o
his misery at last" What is h
dead ?" q No but his wife is"
If man wan Is to own the eartl
what does woman want ?" inquired Mr.
Grab Of his better half "Well, my
DEAR" responded that lady in a gentle
smothering tone, TO own the man,
suppose!'
Susie, darling!" said a mother t,
her little daughter OF five summers
"wbat would you do without you
mammal" I'd put on just such ,
dress rs pleased every day" was thu
affectioEate reply.
Ifthere were Miss Robinson Cruso
on desolate island, with no one u
please but her own reflection in tn,
water, she would yet every day MAKE
and wear the newest fashions.
When man reaches the top of
staircase and attempts to take one ste
higher, the situation is as perplexing u
If he had attempted to kick dog tina
wasn't there.
They cay that Pythazoras imposes
lam hia liaclnlaa Eva rlaars, alliance L