davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03
HUMOROUS.

'sAin't you almost boiledG" inquired
a little girl of gentleman who was
visiting her father and mother. mo
little one | can't say that I am. Why
do you ask, Daisy?' "Oh, because L
heard ma ma say that your wife al ways
kept you in hot water"
Gentleman: "What are you doing
nowadays. Uncle Rastus9" Uncle
Rastus: Use workin' fo' Sam Jones,
sah," Gentleman: What at2 I'm
Gle Rastus: ''Pickin' blackberries on
ole Mrs. Browns pasture lot" Gems
tleman: Doesn't Mrs. Brown OBJ
ject to it, Uncle Rastus: ''She don't
know it, sab" Gentleman: "What
does Sam pay you for picking Mrs.
Browns blackberries9" Uncle Ras
tus: ''He lows me half what pick. !"
Congratulatory friend = "Just
arrived from the Continent, en-? You
are looking remarkably well. How
long were you in Paris9" Returned
tourist About six weeks" How
did you manage? You can't talk
French" ''Oh, gestures went a great
way. Sometimes I sketched what
wanted" made a drawing OF it, en-?
And you were always understood"
We'll, not always, Once I made a
drawing of a mushroom. Now what
do you think the waiter brought me
The idiot brought me an umbrella"
A little bog, hearing some one re-
mark that nothing was quicker than
thought, said, 81 know something
that is quicker than thought" What
is it, johnny" asked his pa "Whistl-
ing. When I was in school yester-
day, whistled before I thought; and
got licked for it, too"
Young housekeeper Cooking over
the market reports [ shall
want you to 60 to market this morn
ing. Bridget-Yis, mum. Wotll |
get mum9 Young housekeeper- /
see that beef is much cheaper on the
hoof, and I presume it's just as good.
Get 3 nice roast off the hoof-New
York Times.
a colored waiter at Summer hotel
who had wandered off for q walk
came back with his eyes bullying OUT
In terror at snake he had encounter
ed in his ramble. "How long was he
Sam?" asked one of the guests 81
dom know zackly how long he was,
boss" answered the terrified Ethiope,
But I'd swar he was free or four
inches in baron eter."
Bobby laborously tugged pail in
to the parlor, where the family was
assembled, and asked his maternal
grandmother to kick it. 'Why should
[ kick it, Bobby9" grandma inquired
in amazement. Just to amuse pa, "
said Bobby. "Ke said he would give
$40 any time to see you kick the buck
ct "
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03
The Caroline Islands Difficulty.

In regard to the Caroline Islands
matter, recent BerliE dispatch says
Il is rumored here that King Alfonzo
has sent an autograph Letter to the
Crown Prince, Frederick William,
asking him to mediate in order that
friendship between Spain and Ger
many may be maintained. 1t is also
rumored that King leopold, of Bel
GUM, and Emperor Francis Joseph
have been asked to act as arbitrators-
Prince Bismarck, it is stated, favors
the latter, and desires a decision IN
favor of Spain In order 10 escape from
the difficulty.
Count Won Hatzfeldt, Germas sec
rotary of state, says IN a letter to
Count de Benomar, Spanish Embas-
sador to Berlin, that Germany, in oc-
cupyiRg the Caroline Islands, had No
intention to prejudice any interior
rights which Spain might possess
therein, and that if an examination
into the question of Spanish rights to
the Carolines should produce no mu~
tual understanding. Germany would
be still perfectly disposed to appeal
the dispute to tho good Offices OF some
power friendly to both disputants
German official circles here are con-
fident that some adjustment of the
Caroline Islands difficulty, based Or
the facts of the case, will be reached,
and will prevent a rupture of the
relations between Germany and Spain.
Allowance is made for the difficulty
of the situation in which the question
places King Alfonzo, for it is believed
among German diplomats that the
Radicals, the Republicans, and the
Federalists. supported by the French
party in Spain, have combined ia
foment anti>German feeling among
the Spanish people.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03

proof by its disarranged condition
that a terrible struggle had taken
place in the chamber of death. The
husband could not be found, and has
never been seen or heard of. Wheth-
er be killed his wife and fled has new
er beea known, bat his relatives and
friends asserted most positively that
that could not have been the case, as
there was no motive for such deed
The most reasonable theory is that
some third person or persons murder
ed them both, the murderers having
some grudgei against them, and then
either concealed the husbands body
IN the vicinity or carried il down with
his clothes and, with rocks to hold
them down, sunk them in the river.
Why TIE wife's body was not similar
ly disposed of. some say, is because
the murderers wished to leave it in the
room, and the husbands body and
clothes not being found, the natural
inference would be that he had murd-
cred her and had fed the country,
the perpetrators Of the double murder
taking this plan to divert suspicion
from themselves. But be that as it
may, and let whichever story told
concerning il be true or false, the
fact remains that the house has stood
vacant for many years, gradually go
ing to decay, covered with a shadow
of mystery, Stunned and avoided by
all, and known as ''the haunted
house"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03


Just by the corners-so,
While shake down the ripe red fruit
As in the long ago.
The leaves are bronze in the tawny air,
Red-cheeked the apple, and mellow the pear;
The grape hangs purple the vines among
The brookleU murmurS with Silvry tongue
The squirrel chatters, low pipes the wren,
The partridge solemnly drums in the fen;
The skeckd quail calls from the orchard wall
The robes of autumn are over ALL
The fruit peeps forth as the blossoms go
Your locks, now white as the falling snow,
Were brown in the shadow and gold in the sun
When first we wandered here, day tasks done;
Oh, you were a picture most fair to see,
With cheeks like the apples which hung from the
tree
And your red-ripe lips that were sweeter by far
Than the peach or the pear or Strawberries are.
While shadows Iengthened-made bold by love
AS the laden branches bent low above,
Your lips met mine and the tale was told
All about our feet how the ripe fruit rolled
Our hearts were anchored in peace with hope,
Yet longed in the struggle of life to cope,
Loves chain encircled and held us in thrall,
The splendor OF living was over all.
Ali wears how many and long since then!
Our faces are furrowed by lifes fierce rain,
Yet the way we've come, as look behind
Seems only beautiful flowers entwined,
There are young hearts beating with strength to-
day,
He watched and guided IN duties way,
And the dear little mound where the daisies nod
A gateway led into the garden of God.
The brown nuts open when frost appears,
The hair must silver with passing years;
Sweet flowers will perish, the grass lie dead,
Turn feeble and fiut'ring the strong light tread
The bloom depart from the fragrant rose,
The great oak bow where the sto ~ king blows;
Some fruit will ripen some blighted fall,
And the dead leaves dance in the end DER all.
but the r-growing circle wife,
At last will be completes;
If there are bitter fruits in life
There's twofold more of sweet"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03
Full Price for the Boy
London Fun.

An elderly lady and her son, aged
nine years, sought admission to a
show" somewhere out west. Il
want" said the old lady, "a whole
ticket for mysely and half ticket for
the boy" ''Want half ticket for the
boy, eh?" said the man; "well [ reckon
you'll take whole ticket" But he's
only nine years old" Don't matter,
he must have a whole ticket" Bat
he's only got one eye" That's just
1t; takes him twice as long to see the
show"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03

More than a year ago a body
found in the water at Like Quinsiga-
mond, Worcester, Mass, was identi-
fed as that of Mary Drinkwine, and
buried as such. This week Mary
Drin kwine urned up alive and we'll
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03

The poisonous properties of stock>
ings dyed with the brilliant analine
dyes, it is said. may be rendered harm
less by dipping the articles in bath
of rubber dissolved in naptha or some
other reagent.
Thirty-two thousand humming
birds, killed to beautify the bonnets
of the fair, were received ia single
consignment in London not long ago.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03
Struck Dumb.
New York SIM

Wife-You don't tell me that Pro-
fessor X. has been struck dumb9
Husbana-Yes, last night. And he
was master of seven languages.
Wife-Is it possible? And he was
struck dumb in all the seven?
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03
New York Sun .

Prospective Bridegroom to (prospec-
tive bride) Would it be possible. do
you think, dear, to postpone our wed
ding until Monday? I am ia receipt
Of dispatch calling me to Buffalo on
important business.
P. Bride-I'm afraid not, George,
dear. The wedding presents, you
know, are only rented until Saturday.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03

According to his mother young
Armstrong, who murdered his step
father, began his downward career
when ne visited pool rooms and bet
on horse races.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03
IN THE ORCHARD.
INTER OCEAN.

Yes, hold your apron, wife,
Just by the corners-so,
While shake down the ripe red fruit,
A 6 in the long ago. y
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-09-03

sofa cushions at SIS each ........... s. As co
~ dozen table napkins at $24 per Dozen. SO 90
Gay shirts. ...................... ....... 20 90
night shirts. Observation-Disclosures. 5 90
1 umbrella stand, smashed. ........ 80. IS 90
new glass eye. Observation-Disclosures. 2 80
1 bearskin hearth Observation-Disclosures. 20 &C
neghbors cats at so cents each 2 90
For perpetuating colorin Bill the fakier) 20 90
SO pounds Trenton sausage at IS cents 80
liz pounds of prime steak at 25 cents 80. 2 81
tooth brushes -. ..... 50
dolls house furniture :. ................. 80
SIndry bric-a-brack - 80 SO
New bonnet for Mrs I,. 42 90
New muff for Mrs I,........... 80 90
New shoes for Mrs I 10 90
1 kitchen poker, bent on GOGGLES. 49,. SO
Life insurance for GOGGLES ......... 9 90
Total 1862 G.
Eyes, 1862 68. Now, don't ask me
to buy any more dogs, because I am
going out of the business"
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28
HOW VACCINATION WORKS.

Pasteur's Researches in Germ Life and
the Theory They Have Established.
Prot. TVnddU, IN Popular Science Monthly.
Pasteur had little difficulty in estab-
ing the parasitic origin of fowl cholera;
indeed, the parasite had been observed by
others before him. But by his successive
civilizations he rendered the solution sure.
His next step will remain forever memoir
able in the history of medicine. / allude
to what he calls ''virus attenuation" And
here it may be well to throw out a few re.
marks in advance. When a tree or a
bundle of wheat or barley straw is
burned a certain amount of mineral mat
ter remains in the ashes-eXtremelv
small in comparison with the bulk of the
tree or Of the straw, but absolutely essen
tial to its growth. In soil lacking or
exhausted of the necessary mineral con-
stituents. the tree cannot live. the crop
cannot grow. Now, cOntagia are living
things, which demand certain elements OF
life just as ineXOrably as trees or wheat
or barley; and IL is nOtdiiiicult to see that
"a crop Of a given parasite may so far use
upa constituent existing i'm small quanti-
ties in the body, but essential to the
growth Of the parasite. as to render the
body unfit for the production Of a second
crop. The soil is exhausted. and until the
lost constituent is restored the body is
protected from any further attack of the
same disorder. such an explanation Of
nOn.recurrent diseases naturally presents
itself TO a thorough believer in the germ
theory. and such was the solution which,
in reply to a question, Yentured TO Of
fer nearly II years ago to an eminent
London physician. 20 exhaust soil.
houvaYfnr n rtovna attn 1neo NiWnrptta and n "a
may suffice; end If after having by means
Of feebler organism exhausted the soil
without fatal result. the most highly
viulent parasite be introduced into the
system, IL will prove pOwerless. This, I'm
the language of the germ theory, is the
whole secret of vaccination.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28
Is FBELNGHUXsEN INSANE?
What His Doctors Say About tbs Ply
eicai and Mental Condition.

Nf' N+rN -ftt- tfe NtNs
1t has been rumored tor several DAYS in
Newark that eX-Secretarv Of State Ere
linghusen's real aiment is insanity. con-
sequent upon his arduous duties in
Washington, and subsequent private and
political troubles. Some strength has
been given to this rumor by the action of
his family and physicians. The bulle-
tins which have been issued daily have
contained only meagre accounts of his
condition and but little Information as to
the actual cause Of his trouble. A gentle
man who held a government position
under President Arthur aud who saw
Secretary Frelinghuysen very frequently
in Washington said last night:
81 believe that Mr.. Frelngbuysen is
suffering from mental derangement pro
dHced to great extent by chagrin and
disappointment. At the close of his adj
mlnistlation he was placed in very I'M
enViable position. lie never was r warm
advocate of Blaine, although a consistent
Republican. The Blaine organs were
bitterly eXasperated at the defeat of their
candidate, ana were ready TO vent their
spleen upon any one who did not follow
their leader.
"Mr. Frelinghuysen is a sensitive man,
although apparently reserved and austere,
and these thrusts, coming as they did
from Republican newspapers, hurt his
feelings very much. I think they affected
his mind, which was weary and worn,
and finally resulted in his utter prostra-
tom
DR.. O'Gorman, Mr.. Frelinghuysen's
chief physician, heard Of the rumOr and
said:
"Mr. Frelnghuysen is suffering from
hepatitis, or inflammation of the liver
His whole physical system Is shattered
and he lies in "a supOr."
'Are not his mental faculties greatly
impaired?1
yes, they are, of course; but that is a
natural consequence OF his troubles. Mr..
Frelinghuyeen has not been strong foTsome
time, and his duties in washington told
heavily upon him. He needed rest ana
he sought it at home. He came hither
only to find his wife's health shattered.
The blow was too much for him. DO not
misunderstood me. Mr.. FTelinghuysen
is not suffering from idiOcy in any way,
but his mind is affected by the disOrdered
state Of his body"
Frederick Frelinghuysen, Jr., in speak
ing Of his fathers condition said: "My
fathers l0ng-continued illness and
struggle for life is a surprise to us all.
His condition appears TO be such that
death NAV ensue at any moment. but the
doctors say that from the strength and
regularity OF his pulse he may last for a
long time. We DO all we can to keep him
alive by giving him milk, and to this we
attribute his remarkable vitality. Sena-
tors Mcpherson and Sewell called here ia
make inquiries yesterday. The kind
letters we receive from all over the conn.,
try are iunumerable."
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28
THE ELKINs LAND FRAUDS.
Iovement to Set Aside the Patent for
1900, 900 Acres.

From ne Nel0 York World.
WASHINGTON, April %. - Mr.. Nc
Mains. representing certain white set
lers Of New Mexico, has boon here for a
lumber OF years fighting the Elkins COM
rgny Of capitalists who have claimed
such great tracts of land under what is
nown as the Maxwell grants. Until re-
Gently it was supposed the Maxwell
claims covering 100000 acres were
good, although the patent for the same
which was issued in 1879 was based upon
misrepresentation and fraud. Itappears
from the argument OF Mr.. McMains be-
fore the Land Commissioner that this
patent can be and should be set aslde.
l1e attention Of the Land Commissioner
WAS directed 10 the decision OF Secretary
t1E ln 1869. who then decided that the
MaNvell grants We're good, but that could
DOT include more than the two claims of
te'eu square leagues each. or about 9O,-
acres. Congress has since followed
ias decision, holding that no Mexican
amt should exceed the limits Ot eleven
leagues square. Mr.. Cox invited the
holders Of the Maxwell grant 10 have
mem tract located, so that the survey and
afoWlng open 10 entry Of the public
'Hls Of the Territory might not DE be de.
iatfd. 10 appears that The MaXweils had
-N'd by Quit-claim nineteen Of the twenty
"o leagues claimed. so did not take adj
VANTAGE Of Mr. COx's oler, although he
waited for them two years. lie then
caused the public lands of the Territory
% Dee thrown open % settlement after
having them carefully surveyed. Settlers
lhen made entries and went ahead boz
ood faith % acquire title. some $500
thpm have patents from tine United
taios ur0n the lands which Land Com
missioner williamson ln 1870 cave to th'
maxwell corporation, of which b. ll-
ns was President
lho MaNWells iu their original petitions
'f % patent described thg section 90 euun-
where they would ptfar to have tncf
ant located. ia This description they
rslenatod certain natural objects. These
/ ere employed in 1879 by Williamson in
ming the bounds OF The grant oeNen-
1 ~ hundred thousand acres were given
/ llc company out Of the public domain.
huer The manipulation Of Elkins' VINO
az BOO Congress no the time, Congress
ilihed the grant. The Supreme Court
~ th1t this ratification of title was sui-
elent Tor patents % Issues although AZ
as evident that Congress acted under
apprehension. williamson nt any
/ le ISSUED patents for the whole amount
IL iimed, as " Che case bad Just come up
II oerlaton, "a genuine sensation mas
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28

been created by McMans producing the
decision OF Secretary Cox in 1869 This
SHOWS that the matter was disposed OF
hnally then, and that through the failure
OF tne MaNwells TO come in under that
decision they really lost their title. The
action Of Secretary Cox goes TO inyalidate
Waat followed. Mr.. McMains asks that
lhe white settlers receive the same pro-
lection accorded TO the Indians in Indian
territory. He wants the President %
Dust the Maxwell people from the lands
owned by the original white settlers. 1t
may be that the question will have to 60
TO- Congress to setught. The whole affair
was stupendous fraud, and in The light
Of Cox's decision the action OF the Land
Commissioner in 1879 was q crime OF great
magnltuQe.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28

KNOW THHsELF. bY rsading the "sol b.
rnne 81 hlfr." the boll medical work ever
puDlisAed, lOr g0uax AVA uiadln-aKed mea.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28

From BEr. Harry ". Olmstead, Proof
reader of the "Eimes,'

reader OF the .. AAAAlcf.
The following letter is encouraging and
worthy of careful perusal, coming, MS it does,
from so reliable q source, unsolicited. 1t con
taius facts of great value.
INDIANAPOLIS. IND. oct. y, 1881.
DIR, DAVID KENNEDY. hondouf, N. u:
DEAR SfR-For ten years / have been q suf-
ferer from disease OF the kidneys, at times so
much so as to make uie burden, Durins
this time several OF the best Physicians IN HI
diana have treated roe with little or no
success. until had almost deapaired OF relief.
/ then tried several advertised remedies, but
nothing produced the desired result until a
friend WHO had been relieved induced me 20
give DIR. DAVID kENNEp1 > tANoItlIE
REMEDY "a trial. I did so. After taking
one bottle ! began TO experience relieI. J
took another and was charmed Win the re-
suit in all. have taken lour ottIta, ana
caa truly say feel Ike new man. am
confident / am entirely cured, As no mas hcen
several months since j took tle last medicine,
and there lis no indication Of return OF the
disease. / have recon mcnucd your remedy
to several suffering friends VINO nave aiso
becn relieved. / write TINS TO return my
sincere thanks TO you for tine cure Which
has been effected in my case, ana also desire
to saw / think suffering humanity owes you q
debt Of gratitude for your wQndertui scleh-
fife discovery. | shall do all that IN me lies
to lee all sufferers know where they may hnd
relief and thereby in some measure rcmuner-
ate YOU Tor the good you have done me.
Wishing you long life and prosperity, ana
thanking YOU for prol0ngiug my life, | am,
HARRY W. OLMSIEAD.
DIR. KepnedY, of RendOut, n. ", as
sures tho Oublic, hv a reputation which ne
cannot afford t. forfeit or lmpefh, that the
"FavOrlte Remedy does inVigorate the blood
cures Liver, Kidney and Biaduer Complaints
ms vel as those diseases and weaknesses pc
culjar to females Your druggist has 1T; "
not SEND one Dollar to Or. baNiu henheuy'
RondOut, \. 4.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28
PROTECTION FOR CATrLEMEN.
Dcpredations by Indians - Cavalry
Guarding the Trail into Oklahoma.


Guarding the Trail into Oklahoma.
ARKANSAS CITY. KAN, April 23.-Gen.
Hatch to-day telegraphed Maj. Dewes, in
command at Fort Reno, Indian Territory,
10 send two troops of cavalry at once to
tire country west Of Reno, on the Cheyenne
Indian reservation, 10 protect cattlemen
from the depredatlons OF Cheyenne and
ArapahOe Indians, who have been killing
stock in that locality. Several Of the
large syndicates who have leased that
country from Chyenne Indians have COM
plained % the Secretary on War, and, ut
the request OF Senator COckrell, Gen.
Hatch was ordered 90 protect the stock.
The Indians at the Cheyenne agency
have again shown signs Ot AN outbreak.
aud 10 Is believed thut an attempt VIII
hp made 90 systematically disarm them
hy the Indian agent and troops at Fort
4eno and Fort Sill.
seven companies ot the Ninth cavalry
arc still in camp near tlis point. guarding
lAe main tun into Oklahoma by way oi
tap pawuoo, OtOe and punca Indian reser-
vJtious. bout the RInHt Oklahoma mnNe-
meul seems On have collapsed. as the
boomers under Capt. Couch have decided
ID postpone wuY further attempts 90 force
taoir way iuin tha country regardless of
TROOPS. and many 0' tsem are leaving
90 tOpir homes Attorney General Gar
hu1 has le'CtrHUuei District Attorney
HMl0wCd, ni kHuaae, o. prosecute the
colOnists % the fuli extent of the Jaw. and
the wholesale arrest Oi Che men is looked
Tor at any moment.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-04-28
Pink .
4 Remarkable Cure Of a Horse.

In the fall OF 1888 | had valuable horse
taken with the PInkeye. resulting Ia blood
poison. After nine months Of dOctorng with
all the remedies to be found in horse books,
despaired of cure. His right hind leg was
as large Us a mans body, and had on il over
forty running sores. He was a most pitiable
looking object. At last / thought Of Swift's
Specific. and commenced to use it. fused fif-
teen bottles In August last all symptoms of
the disease disappeared. There have been no
signs of a return, and the horse has done a
mules work on my farm ever since.
JAS. l.. FLEMING, Augusta, Ga.
January 9, 1885. g.t aIo
Swifps SPECIFIC is entirely vegetable Urea
tisc on Blood and SKIN Diseases mailed free.
THE SWIFT srECIFIC Co., Drawer 3, ATTAIN
Ia, Ca. or l59 W. 23d ST.. n. Y.