River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1885-07-23
John Ross
Kicked bV a boss.

And it may have been in deep dejec-
ton that the friends of the unfortunate
youth killed during pyroteehnic dis
play, wrote upon his tombstone:
Here lie,
Killed by a sky
Rocket in my eye.
While its Caledonian origin borne in
mind Git halls from Edinburg, there
was probably no premeditated levity to
the lines in memory of
John Macpherson-that wonderful person
Six foot two without his shoe
And slew at Waterloo.
The humor of the following is mere
ly due to peculiar punctuation:
Erected to the memory of John Phillips
Accidentally shot as Il mark of affection by
his brother.
1t is difficult to say whether in jest or
montion the following was inscribed
to the memory OF an earl OF Kildare:
Who killed Kildare?-Who dared Kildare to
kin?
Death killed Kildare.-who dare kill whom he
will.
Sepulchral references to the former
pursuits of the departed have been very
common. Lawyers whose familiarity
with ways that are dark" have called
for ccnsure; and doctors whose profess
sional ministrations ''have filled the
half of this churchyard' have formed
the principal subjects. Exception is
made in favor of legal ornament, one
Mr.. Strange, but at the expense of his
brother practitioners
Here lies an honest lawyer Strange!
The proposed epitaph to the eminent
cook, Alexis Soyer:
Peace to his ashes.
Is well known. Less known but more
admirable is that upon deceased
dyer
Here lies a man who dyed of wool a great
store,
One day he died himself-and dyed no more.
The conjugal relation, sad to say, has
suffered sharply at the hands of the ep-
itaph writer-and, sadder still to re-
cord, the weaker vessel has called for
the seyerest animadversion. Epitaphs
of this class have usually been coarse
and vulgar i'll the strain of the follow
ing:
Here lies my poor wife-a sad slattern and
shrcW;
If sad / regretted her-I should lie too.
1t is gallant Frenchman who, at
Pere Ia Chaise, thus apostrophizes the
defunct partner of his joys and cares:
Ci-get ma femme. Oh qu'elle est bieni
Pour son repos, ct pour lie mien.
which, however, has its counterpart in
an English churchyard:
Here lies my poor wife Jane-hcre let her liei
She finds rest at last-and SO do l.
The unmarried fair have received
gentler treatment, though a talkative
spinster is awarded these lines:
Young,
Who on the twenty-fourth of May began to
hold her tongue.
Independent of its interest as rec
ord of longevity, there is sporting
flavor about the following reference to
one Stephen Rumblood, of Brightwell,
quite unique:
He lived to los, hearty aud strong;
loo TO you don't live as long.
A request for burial in a particular
spot is not uncommon, though seldom
expressed with the naivete of the fol-
lowing:
Under this yew tree, buried he would he,
Because his father he, planted this yew tree.
-Guilsfied, 1863.
The three following, dedicated to the
memory of departed matrons, are worth
rescuing from oblivion:
Some have children, some have none;
Here lies the mother OF twcntyone.
Woostanton.
A severe blow is dealt to the sanitary
of the medicinal springs of
Cheltenham in the lines below:
Here lie, and my three daughters.
All killed through drinking Cheltenham wa
tiers.
Had we but stuck TO EPSON salts
We shouldn't he lying in these cold vaults.
In fitting conclusion may be quoted |
the following rebuke administered to
the morbid curiosity to satisfy which I
has been one of the missions OF the cpl /
taph. In slightly varied forms it has
been met with in divers corners of En- /
gland. but was last heard of in a
churchyard in New Jersey:
Reader pass on, nor waste your precious time
On bad biography or better rhyme,
For what ! am this crumbiing clay assures,
Aud what was is no concern Of yours.