The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-06-04

shuf1ed and dealt so careful-es
That at last was wanted by the grano 1uf-ee'
Chorus.
We shufned and dealt SO careful-ee
That we all were wanted by the grand 1ur-ee.
Paris Bacon.
A lesson in physics: Teacher-What
is velocity Pupil-Velocity is what a
man puts a hot plate down with
FreBldeB6EGtt.
A nurseryman says that the best
kind of dogwood is the red-howering.
Our experience is that a clothes-pole is
the best, because it is light enough to
handle easily. and long enough to en-
able you to hit the dog at almost any
range.-PStcE.
1.-The only thing to mar the pleasure
of the occasion" wrote an Arizona ed
itor of funeral, ''was little difficult
ty between the clergyman and one of
the mourners concerning the owner
ship of flask found in the carriage
they had occupied"
The Rev. Whangdoodle Baxter met
Jim Webster last Sunday. Webster
was intoxicated. you should nebber
get drunk on Sunday, Jeemes," said
the cleric. Il nebber hab no money
lef ober on Monday ter get DRINK on,
as don't take up the collecshuns on
Sunday. "-TerGs Sittings.
The war in the Soudan has raised the
price of lions, and the unpleasantness
between England and Russia will put a
premium on bears. The lookout for
poor people is growing blacker. but it
may afford them consolation to know
that war between all the European
nations would not increase the price of
dogs.-NoTTiStOs0 Herald.
''See here, your clerk has made a
mistake in putting up this prescription.
He has substituted arsenic for calomel
I've good mind to report him to the
public authorities" 81 wouldn't do
that" protested the druggist. Don't
say anything about the matter, and if
he makes such mistake again I'll re-
duce his salary. ''-NelO York World.
A description of a new newspaper es-
Enlistment says: THE first thing that
strikes the visitor upon entering the
editorial rooms is the large crystal
chandelier If the visitor is a poet,
and carries an lode to Spring." it is
safe to wager that the first thing that
strikes him is not the crystal chande-
lier. Not unless all the editors are abb
sent--NorriStOG01 Herald.
The Supreme Court of Pennsylvania
has decided that unless persons look
both ways in crossing a railroad track
they cannot obtain damages for inju-
ries they may receive. This gives cross
eyed people decided advantage over
those who can see straight, and in some
measure mitigates the affiiction of be-
ing cross-eyed. Life is full of compen-
Standardization Courier.
Baltimore is more like Troy than it is
like Albany. The Monumental City
has many pretty girls; ditto Troy. The
young Baltimore man who employed a
servant to hold girl while he kissed
her had provocation. But nobody ever
heard of man abstracting kiss from
an Albany girl without her consent.
Kissing in the town below is consider
ed an act of sacrifice on the part of the
man.-TrOy Press
A company of Good Templars was
marching down the street with bands
playing and a banner on which was in
scribed 1--WE Bend the Knee, but Not
the Elbow" On the sidewalk was an
old soaker who read the inscription
with many hiccough, and added, 80,
yes, you bend the knee, but not the ell
bow. That comes of this beastly habit
| of drinking out of the bung." And the
gle.
At ball at Folkestone the other day,
| a yeomanry warrior, well known in the
saddle, replied to his partners inquiry
as to the hour. "Weally, my valet for
got to wind my watch last night In
| a few seconds after the young lady
closed her eyes. dropping, as it were. to
sleep. ''Are you veWy tiredP" asked
he. ''Oh, yes" answered the clever
girl, ''for my maid of all work forgot
to close my eyes last night. ''-Ea9ttsh
Paper.
What did the sparrow do yester-
day?" asks the poetess. Well, dear,
we think he followed out his usual
scheme, which is to-get up at 4. a. m.
hop around in the cutters quarrel
with his neighbors-dig bait, not fol
fishing, but for amusement-take 6
bath in the puddle-quarrel the rest Of
the day-and retire at about 6 p. m. u
you have any more curiosity as to what
he did you will have to apply some
where else, as this is all the informa'
ton we can give you.-Boston Post.
''You are doing nicely said the
doctor encouragingly to an old darky
patient; ~ will call again tomorrow
and will leave you this prescription
now to save you from pain in the in
terim." Then he went out. "Da's 81
'scription dat de doctah lef'," said tbs
patient feebly to his wife, IAN wan!
yo' ter go to de drug sto' an git it fill
my interim, an be sho' an ak him e
Ise ter take it eternally, or jess rub i
on the outside, an eff so wha'. IN Y
Times.
A colored gentleman appeared be
fore the Civil-Service Examining BoarC
in this city the other day and wishe6tt
carrier in the postal service. What
Sambo gave the examiner his name
age, place of residence, and his previou
occupation. Now, Sambo," asket
the examiner, ''have you ever studie'
geography" Eyes, sahr' said Sambo
''Well, then, tell me how far it is from
Boston to Shanghai" "'Fo' God
sah," replied Sambo in amazement
''you doan tend to put me on da
route, does yer?"-BOStOn Post.
A man somewhere in Alabama call
ed upon an Episcopal rector and pro
posed to join his church. The recto
proceeded to examine him, with vieV
to learning something of his religion
views and status. A few questions an
answers showed that the man kneN
nothing of conversion and had no col
rect views as to the responsibilities c
church membership. The rector ad
vised him to postpone the matter unit
he should learn more about what wa
involved in the very serious step whic
he proposed to take, when the man a:
tonished the preacher with the reply
Very good; then I'll jine the FREQ
masons. Richmond (Ta.) Religion
, Herald.
A High Jinks Waiter.
. Not new, but true: Scene, Ladies
High Jinks at the Bohemian Club Nj
and Mrs. George and Cousin Charlie.