Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-08-08
THE COLONEL,s DEVICE.
How He Convinced His Friends that
he was Not Drunk.

One nav, AFTER Oeep me0ltauOn, tne
prince of Orange remarked to Bentinck;
ITO Offset the ravages of strong drink
/. the human system resorts to various re-
sistances yielding versatile results"
This remark, although it embodies no
particularly philosophy, either inductive
syllogistic or reconstuctive, has caused
mach comment.
1t is true that there is great differ
ence in men, concerning the power Of
resistance against the influence of strong
drink, and although no man wholly es-
capes, yet some men while struggling
under the effect of liquor, can complete
ly deceive a beholder. There is Col.
Atlantus Pindergrass, for instance. II
you did not know he was drunk you
would not think he had been drinking.
He has way of standing on the tiptoe
Of such politeness, a way of saying such
pleasant and appropriate things, that his
intoxicatipn is hidden under bushel of
agreeableness.
The other day Mr.. Martinhead went
home with the colonel. The colonel, his
wife and Mr.. Martinhead were sitting in
the parlor when Miss Sallie Pummel.
an old maid who had entered her 30th
volume, called The colonel presented
bis friend, and, satisfied with the success
of his sober pretense, he leaned back and
InI Tha. he - IL u
something and the thought that his two
visitors had not been presented, occurred
to him.
"Ah, Miss Pummel, allow me to intro.
, .duce my friend Mr.. Martinhead."
I'VE have met" replied Miss Pummel.
"Ah, l didn't know that You were
acquainted.
The 'colonel's wife cleared her throat
with sharp rasp of irritation. The COL
,onel continued: 81 have thought for
some time that would like for you to
become acquainted, but it never occurred
to me that you were old friends"
Colonel, let me see y,ua moment"
said Mrs. Pindergrass, drawing her hus-
band into an adjoining room.
X whats the matter with you?" she
asked.
Nothing"
Nothing, the mischief. You are
drunk"
Drunk" he repeated contemptuously.
aOh, OF course. A man just gets drunk
on the atmosphere"
Then assuming an air ofinnocence the |
colonel went on: "Has it come to this?
Do you want to insult me? What have
! done?"
"Why, just look how you acted about
introducing"
"Oh, 1 see," said the colonel, with
Frightening change of countenance. at
was my fault-a mere matter of forge
fulness."
Then, stepping into the parlor, the
colonel said: Miss Pummel, allow
me to present Mr.. Martinhead"
Miss Pummel and are acquainted, ri
replied Mr.. Martinhead.
That so? Why, let me assure Won
that didn't know it. Introducing you
TO an cid friend; why, that's a good Joke,
haw hay-a capital joke, he, he. Wife,
let me see you minute.
You've got me into pretty fix" eaid
the colonel, when his wife had followed
him into the adjoining room. "Told me
those folks was not acquainted. You
ought TO be particular about such
tnings." '-t..-
! !, .You ought to be billed" his wife in
dignantly snapped.
what have / done?'
You good. for.nOthing thing, you have
made yourself ridiculous. You are the
most despicable man / ever saw"
I'll be confoundej if can understand
you"
You are too drunk to understand any
thing, you brute"
Look here, am tired of being insult
ed" The colonel wheeled aronnd and
went back into the parlor, where he pro-
ceeded to make himself agreeable and to
disguise the fact that he had been drink
Ing anything. "Why," he said, show
many surprises there are i'm store for us.
we meet people every day, and then,
when we least expect it. they surprise
us Why, il any one had told me, Mar
tlnhea1, that you had gone TO school TO
Miss Pummel, would not have believed
he didn't 90 to school to me-" snap.
ped Miss Pummel.
"Ah, that was my misunderstanding.
Oh, It was you who went to school to
Martinhead."
mo sir" interposed Martinhead.
"Oh, yousimply went to school tooetb.
or; Yes, got it mixed, but not much.
do like to see old friends meet each
other. Let's see, I've known Martin
head for ten years, Miss Pun,mel. but
not until to-day did know that he was
an old friend OF yours-no, not until to.
day" ~ "
mr.. Martinhead, pleading the sudden
resurrection of urgent business, withdrew.
ana Miss Pummel not desiring to remain
sfter her old friend had gone, sson took
her leave. The colonel. not long after.
ward tumble into bed. " ben he awoke
next morning he remembered ,noth;no
except that he had deceived his wife.
man wanted me to take a jr;nt
WIN ium yesterday, but 1 wouldn't do
dis wife did not reply.
ny the way, our friend Martipbead
would have come home with m, ves,er-
day but he couldn't get Off"
Yes, some men have way of conceal.
ing the fact that they are drunk.