Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-05-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

Ihe last symptom OF the lady craze
IS IN recent advertisement in a New
York paper, which says; "A young
lady would like 4 position as dish-wash-
er IN restaurant.
A fashion paper says that undress-
ed kids are the proper things for the
opera. The Society for the Prevention
OF Cruelty to Children should see TO it
that this does not become a custom.
'.Hellor said Buckle as he met
Barnacle. Barnacle is particular, and
replied; why don't You say Good
morning when you meet q gentle
manp" II do, answered Buckle.
Providence Neees.
''Step this way,if you please, ladies.
said the gracious iloor-walker, as he
led off with majestic wave Of his hand.
eve are sorry said madam; .'hut we
never learned to walk that way. -
Io7lkcrS Statesman.
smith. why don't you get your dia-
monds insurcd?n said Jones. where
can do thatPn innocently asked
Smith. AT the United States Plate
Glass Insurance Company. of course,
replied Jones, and GOODNESS has grown
up between them. Putsbarg Caroni-
Ii a man spends 5 cents n day, six
days week for iifty-two weeks, for to-
bacco, drinks ~! quarts of poor beer,
goes to the New England fair on horse
trot day and refuses to subscribe TO an
agricultural paper, how big mortgage
has he got on his farm? Greenfield
(ihass.) Country Home.
Father, what is a luxuryP' asked
little Johnnie the other night as he
wrapped himself round the parlor
stove. "A lnxuryP Why, it's some
thing we don't really need, YOU know
Ia thing we can without +" "Well.
then, : replied the logical youth, what
q luxury mosquito net must be in
Winter!n-Lye.
A plumber having amassed fortune
at his trade. abandoned the former oc-
eupation and opened drug store. In
six weeks he failed so fiat that he went
to jail and sent his family to the poor
house. 1t is thought that his former
occupation had not trained him to
charging high enough prices to succeed
in the drug business. Sunday School
Qaarter'g.
One of our exchanges from way back
tells how the country choir spent the
time during one Of the parson long
sermons. Among other things, the all
to laid her head on the basso profundo' 5
shoulder and quietly slept for an hour.
She certainly ought to have been put
out for when the minister looked up ha
caught her mapping on first base. -
Portland Gle. Press.
''Of the seven newspaper men who
reported Webster's famous address ut
the laying of the cornerstone of Bun
ker Hill monument, Edward Everett
Hale is said to be the only one now
living" As Mr. Hale was only years
old when Webster delivered his speech,
his reportorial work on that occasion
may be set down us phenomenal jour
nalistic feat. Atlanta Constitution
There had been some Illness in the
family, and when kind-llearted but
inquisitiye neiahbor asked johnny who
had been sick he promptly answered:
"Oi, it's my brother, that's a!l
'What vas the matter with him?n
Muffin, only he was just sick II
know, but what allied him?' 20,
dunno. 2 What did lie have?' lie
had the doctor That closed the in
QUESTION CAristjaa al liogf.
II wisa you would como 20 see me
oftener, Charlie. murmured C,aribell,
as they sat in the front paror trying Ia
find out witch knew the least. 'Ah,
but you know, darling, amhere every
night. Yes, | know that. but wish
you'd come oftener. well, but
don't you see if did | would have Ia
leave oftener, ha, hap Yes, that
was what said. And then be asked
her if he knew where he had pat his
hat. Bost1a les.
A mental bearing 4 large package
entered the Office Of a great Houston
daily. ''What's that?n asked the edi-
tor. Mrs. Smith has written five
act play and she wants you to look over
it and give her criticism. She will
call for it next week. Good morning.
And, lifting the package down from his
shoulder. the mental pleeed it on the
table aud started for the door Come
back here. Yon Just wait five minutes
and then You can take it a!oag with
You" exclaimed the editor Teas
SYttngs.
Jones Why, my boy. what's the
matter? Youlooi H. !" Smith-.'Yes'
I've had 4 fearful night Couldn't
sleep wink Don't know what's the
matter. well. | know. You are
too hard on Your digestive organs.
These late Shippers are very bad; and,
besides, you don't stop there, either.
What did you have after we parted last
night?" Nothing, except a half-doz-
en- raw Il thought so. Remember
hereafter that it's the last raw that
breaks the camel's back. - Philadcl-
phta Cal.
Il called to consult you in regard 10
the Snow and lee ordinance" he said,
as he took seat in lawyers office.
''lf fall down on -n IF YOU fall
down ON an icy walk you can bring
suit for damages, of course" Can,
eh9 And ] can make the tenant pay?"
'Ill guarantee You can. ''But this
is case when some one Slipped down
on my sidewalkn .'Ah l sect Very
well, sir Wen prove contributory
negligence, and beat him higher than a
kite! What day is the case set for?''--
Detroit Free Press
In Michael Dayitt's story of his pris-
on experience he quotes verbatim the
language of London pickpocket, who
thus recited the history of his arrest:
Il was logging down blooming Stun
in the Chapel when | butted reeler
who was sporting red slang. Ibroke
off his jerry and boned his clock, which
was red one, but / was stopped by a
copper who claimed me. | was lugged
before the beak, who gave me six doss
in the Steel. The week after / was
chucked up | did snatch near St.
Paul's, was collared Jagged, and got
this bit of seven stretch. NeU York
Star.
Gen. Phelps, who died recently, was
a thorough soldier, and in some respects
eccentric. When Buffers troops ar
rived ut Ship Island Gen. Phelps, who
was already there, in strolling around
came across man dressed in red, bag
gy trousers, leggins, light-blue en-
broidered jacket, and a Turkish foz
with tassel on his head. 'Well, my
man, what part of the show do you be-
long top said Gen. Phelps. ''Show,
Why, ! belong to Kelty's Zouaves. re.
piled the soldier. 30, | thought there
was a circus here and you were one OF
the clowns, quietly remarked the Gen.
eral
These musical criticisms in the daily
nanal.s rlaln me- Ercd J, rcnnar I-nh !,