The Florida agriculturist., 1885-02-04
VARIETIES.

Inc moment man is satisfied with
himself, everybody else is dissatisfied
with him.
Doctor: "You haven't eaten any
thing which disagreed with you, have
your Little Patient: ''No, sir; the
three pies, two cakes, pound of candy,
tour oranges, and the quart of nuts, ali
agreed with me.''
mo, William" she mournfully utter
ed, still allowing him to retain her hand.
No, William, l cannot marry you. l
don't believe you can provide wife with
butter upon your present salary, and
can't eat oleomargerine."
He had hired new servant when he
went down to the office in the morning,
and on his return home at night asked
Wen, dear, is the new girl going all
rght?" "Going She went two hours
ago." was the prompt answer.
"Look here; this piece of meat don't
suit me. It's from the back of the ami
mails neck" said man to German
butcher. ''Mine friend" all dot beef vat
L sells is back of dot neck. Dere was
nodding but horns in front of dot neck"
Attorney-My dear madam, I find that
your estate is heavily incumbered. You
will have enough to live on, but you
must husband your resources. Widow
Well, my daughter Sal is my only re-
source now" Attorney-Exactly. Hus-
band her as soon as possible. ."-Phila-
delphid Call.
''Yes," she said to her escort as they
glided around the rink, 81 do so love
roller skating. When we are sailing
around this way our souls seem to be
floating away to Heaven, and" At
this point both of her soles hoated away
toward Heaven, while the rest of her
smote the earthly floor with mighty
smite.
A bevy of little children were telling
their father what they got as school.
The eldest, Reading, spelling, and def
nitions." And what do you get, my lit
tie one?' said the father to rosy
checked little fellow who was at that time
slyly driving a ten-penny nail into the
door pannel. "Me? Oh, get readin',
spellin' and spankin's."
Still another old proverb illustrated:
couch! !" exclaimed young Johnny Jar
phly, who was receiving a reminder"
''you got the wrong end nah! You got
the wrong end of the ruler. That end
rule that won't work both ways" philo-
adjusted the stick to his derelictions.
A New York lady, while visiting in
the west, had some experience with a
cyclone. While asleep at friends
the house was blown over, and the lady
pinned to the earth by a heavy rafter
1t was supposed that she was crushed,
but when they dug her out she opened
her eyes and speedily murmured; Jane,
| feel a little uncomfortable unfasten
my corset.
'Tot," said Blossom, "have you ever
been baptised?" "Yeth, | have been
bapthithed. | remember all about it. /"
'Do you?" said Blossom. "Did the
minister put water on your head like he
did on baby Johnnie's?" ''No-o-o,"
said Tot; "the doctor he justht scratched
my arm and rubbed something on it.
1t didn't hurt bit"
''WeIl,' he said to the minister at the
conclusion of the ceremony, Chow much
do owe you?" ooh I'll leave that to
you,' was the reply; "you can better es-
innate the value of the service rendered"
Suppose we postpone the settlement,
then, say for year. By that time will
know whether l ought to give you 800
or nothing" ''No, no." said the cler-
gyman, who is married man himself,
make it So now."
A wise Quakeress used to say, in her
sermons, that there were three follies of
men which always amazed her, remarks
the Baptist Weekly. The first was, their
clubbing trees to shake fruit down when,
if they only waited little, it would fall
of it's own accord the second was, that
they should go to kill each other when,
if they but waited, they would all die
naturally and the third was, that they
should run after women, which, if they
would not do, the women would be sure
to run after them.
Grandpapa Crying to be severe)-
"Now, Mabel, tell me why you didn't
put that quarter gave you into the plate
at church this morning. | like to see a
little girl give cheerfully and not let her
right hand know what her left hand do
eth" Incorrigble granddaughter (who
is saving the money for candy" That's
Just the trouble, grandpa. My right
hand thought my left was putting it in,
and my left hand thought my right was,
and so between the two of them it didn't
get put in at all"
"Woman," says DIR. Tuggles, Gloves
dress and jewelry. Old Isaac knew it as
well as anybody, and that's why he sent
Rebecca the earrings and bracelets.
Moses says the earrings weighed half
sheckel apiece, which, according to the
Hebrew table, made the pair cost exactly
sixty-two and one-half cents. Couldn't
catch Rebecca now with such jewelry as
that. But they had curious way of
courting in those primative days, for
when bashful lover ventured to kiss his
girl, the Scriptures tell us he lifted up
his voice and wept. ."-Christian at Work.
America,s Pride.