Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1885-12-25
CHRISTMAS WAITS AND STRAYS
BATCH OF HOLIDAY HUMoR GATHERED IN
FROM ALL QUARTERS.
sAnta Claus. 81 does the I'd.

! III Is the Christmas doll that decoys OUT dol
lars.
Have faith in Santa Claus, and hang up
your stocking.
Dressing a Christmas tree cannot mAks a
look any more spruce.
The small boy Is right; Santa Claus is The
biggest man in the United Stats
1t is wise man who fixes upon Christmas
as his wedding day. One set ~ presents win
be enough
Half the world il ignorant Of what the other
half il doing inst now. ReasOn-ChristmAs
is coming.
The season drawoth near when a TWENTY
n hye-cent man pays three dollars in a rattle for
a ifty-cent turkey.
II you happen 10 have Mazlrin Bible in
the house You can sell 1t ami buy a whole
store ful Of Christmas presents.
Now that Christmas is app oaching, II is
! good time for young men to watch the girl.
Let 1t be gold watch, however.
| This is the time OF year at which a MAJ
| gives his wife money in order that he may 10
surpris-d with Chnstm present.
We may not see any staying on Christmas,
/ put the chances are that many will be NOR
tally wounded ia the pOcket-books.
| This Is thl time OF the year at which man
/ gives his wi Q money in order that he may be
surprised with Chris mas present
Z
ton said teacher just b.fore Christmas.
santa Claus y shouted happy-eyed urchin.
Have faith in Santa Claus, and hang up
your stocking. He has never been known 10
steal one, even if he didn put anything in it,
christmas tins will soon slipper round
again. as the young mau observed as he
looked at the weli-worn patr he had received
year ago,
This is the time Of the year when the poet
rHfIH - hf Mil 90 q. 4 a
and Jingle sleigh bells while he works up a
Christmas poem.
There Is iudicio1s flAttery in Christmas
presents as IN many other courtesies Don't
oher TO give your glrl a new set o. teeth
L0,1ol. Cuizea.
Chicago girl on Christmas Eve
Hung up h ampe socks"
And In the morning there she found
An Immense drJ-goois box
He" What do you say to Christmas for
our wedding day." ohe-'I say no sir; YOU,
must be- simple. Do you think want TO be
cha tgd out OF ono sot Of presentsY'
The Sultan OF Morocco has / 900 wives. and
on Christina morning lac will receive enough
pairs Of slippers, smoking caps aud pcn-wip-
ers u start hrss-c ass church fair.
AZ this season Of the year the longest and
widest stocking is the most fash enable for
children. tn cal. ed The chimney stvle. a,d
Now - the time when the loving wife asia
her husband what he wants for his Christmas,
aud no tells her M OF 10 wOiTy about H. As he
has everything he needs except spondu Z.
Classical Anecdote.-Said Cicero 70 Atticus;
Shall yol hang your stocking up tonight at
You fathers Lares?" A tt.cus pin " replied:
NO | have hung my summer togA at my
uncle's."
man is nos afraid to be seen Juggling
handles tnrOUul the / aaf &C. L.
lady friend cannot tell Whe ,her il be a hand
some Christmas present or a pound of liver
thai he Is wrestling with.
II was Christmas Eve, and they had been
propounding conundrums "Why are you
like the Christmas tree? queried she. Be
cause It's ever green. / suppose" "Oh, no;
it's because you look so spruce!"
Your wife hustles olt of the room when Won
come home aud hastily brushes her dress
You md scraps OF zephyr or pieces of cloth
on the floor. You don't know what it means
but you will Christmas morning.
The country parson now looks forward to
Christmas and wishes that some one would
present him with PAIR OF lea her boots 70
kind OF Offset the dead loads OF worried wor-
sted slippers he is sure 10 receive.
The current "catch" is to ask YOUR friend il
Christmas and New Years come in the PSme
year. Not a few people wiz promptly answer.
No, Of course they don't" and half a minute
later they feel sick over their own mental
weakness.
gushing young poetess has sent US ina
poem beginning "What shall | find in NV
stockings on early Christmas morn2' and asks
what we think OF it. We think, dear. thai
unless you drop poetry you will find holes in
both stockings.
james Sullivan, ofNyack, hung mp his stock.
ing on Christmas Eve and his employer dropped
a $500 bill into it, but owing to his wife's neg.
lect 1t slipped out Of la e hole in the toe
and was lost. We publish this item in the in
test of the sex.
Johnnie, do you know who Santa Claus
iST asked fond father of his seyen-year old
son son on Christmas morning. Win a knowing
look the youngster replied: "Wcll, last night
didn't Just on purpose; but now that I've
got my presents m not quite as green As a
Cnrstmis tree"
A new disease called bundle paralysis has
broken out and Is exl ected TO become pretty
Eirulent just before Christmas. II attacksa
business man whose wife hiss been downtown =
shopping and has ordered the purchases left
n his office in the expectation that he will
bring them home at night.
"Young man, don't get reckless and spend
very cent you have to buy your girl Christ
mas present Better save the greater part Of
{ Tor future needs. There may come a time
when few dol ars viii 90 good way toward
)uying furniture, and If your girl is sensible.
The will advise you in the same way.
The man who presented his wife last Christ
mas with diuner-kettle in which TO put up
lis dinner ON work-day MORNINGS is puzzled
% determine what gift would be most appro-
lriate this year He has almost decided on
pipe for his wife to AL for him dur
ng future hours of recreation at home
When young man Of Japan falls in low 2
With an almond-eyed beauty he ties brancl
II mistletoe to the door Of her house. II sutl
. custom were in vogue in this country everi
louse in town that contains a marriageAb6
laughter or two would look "A IL IL WA rl.Atinn