The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-04-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

A vegetarian writes: ''lmmOrallty
Turks in mutton-chops, brutality IN
beef, perversencss in poultry, and vii
lany in veal Same at our boarding.
house. 7rarciryS' Magazine.
A New Jersey man wants divorce
because his wife hasn't spoken to him
for nearly two wears. Some men don't
know when they are we'll oif.-Hen-
pecked Editor AoffistoDm Hcr0M.
''Ah. you Halter me, lisped dude
to a pretty girl with whom he was con-
versing. NO, don't" was the re-
ply. "You couldn't be any fiatter than
you are. EuriiAgi0M Free Press.
To write for all time is the ambition
of every author. The man who origiu-
ated the series of negro-minstrel jokes
is the only one up 10 dale who has ap-
parentlv succeeded in his endeayor.
Hon. Charles Carroll. of Shawnee
town. has our thanks for neat and
well-executed check. We transferred
it into bacon. ami are transferring the
bacon intn Drawn and brains. - Be1ltoH
(ER) HTald
A little Williamstown girl had the
whoopin cough. and when she recover
ed from it she said she was glad she
didn't die while she had the whooping-
cough. because God would not like 10
have little cnnghing angels.
At Il recent lecture delivered in
Massachusetts town Anna Dickinson :
audience consisted of one auditor and
that dude. Anna said it paid. OF
course it did; how was il to get in If It
didn't pay?- fonkeTS !St'tffSma".
mo interruption OF business on ac-
count OF the weather" is the motto a
Kalamazoo hen nailed above her nest.
and when the mercury was - degrees
below zero she came off with a brood
of young chickens. : Detroit thtch.)
Posi-
What amused me most at the op-
era" said an Arab Chief who had been
taken to hear Faust. "was one of the
musicians in the orchestra. seated q lit
tie higher than the rest, who performed
ON an invisible instrument with @
stick"
In q recent breach of promise suit
the s'cOurse of true love" was traced in
this manner: sDear Mr. Smith," 'My
darling JOHN My own darling
john" "My darling john "Dear
john" Dear Sir," Sir" and all was
over.
The Lowell Times notes the fact that
the Civil War broke out and roller
skates were invented the same year.
This is true. but the war did its worst
and stopped in four years. willis roller
skates continue to plumber and murder
even up to this time Boston Post.
An Irishme1. recently over, entered
barber shop in Main street. Danbury.
Friday for shave. After the barber
was through he asked the customary
question: Have bay rum. sir?" mo.
sor-the fact is, sor, I've just had a
glass of beer. an don't loike mixin'
drinks. "-Hartford Times.
'.Examiner-''Now, if l were to give
fifty marbles in charge of this boy"
Indicating the biggesD, Ito divide
equally amongst You. how many would
you each receiver" Small boy (of ex-
get none at all: cause he'd collar them
all hisself. .'-LOndOn PUnch.
81 see, remarked Farmer Hocdown
of Hackensack to his wife the other day
as he was reading his morning paper,
THAT Prof. Foilem of London says
fencin' is healthy exercise for girls.
Now that's what ! told Melindy and
Mary Jane when We was laying that
thousandrod worm-fence last fall
The following order for block of
teeth has been received by dentist OF
Triangle, n. Y: My mouth is three
inches acrost. : inches through the
jaw: some humocky on the edge;
shaped like q horseshoe. toe forward.
Ii You want me 10 be more partik lar
shel hav 10 cum thar. Yours truly,
-"
What's that you have in your
hand?" asked Mrs. Gimlet of her hus-
band as he brought home a roll of man
nscript. brains, madam replied
Mr.. Gimlet pompouslv. Are you sur
least" she replied. II klew you
didn't carry them in your head. IN.
]. Graphic.
Schulze-.' thou already from
the paper heard ia regard TO thy TO it
sent eommunications'' Mueller - II
received Yesterday letter from the ed
itor. in which he to me his thanks es-
pressed" Schulze-"Then congratn-
late /; but let me see, what writes he
them" Mueller ler-'Thankfnlly return
eo. .-O1Dtb2S.
A tramp stopped at house in the
suburbs Of Houston and said to the lady
OF the house: 'Please givea poor man
who is travelling and who is far away
from home tritie to help pay his ey-
penses." "if YOU haven't got any
money to pay your expenses. why do
you travel?'she asked in astonishment
TEXAS .Sytings,
Yes. yes. my son. know. Sunday
school lemonade is awfully thin. But
1t isn't half so thin as the Jokes that are
made about it. That way out, please.
Straight 10 the right; mind the step.
it's rather dark. All. there he goes
down the elevator well. Another good
humorist gone wrong.-Burdette in
Brooklyn Eagle.
There is at least one uptown man
who hasn't forgotten his New Years
resolutions. He was observed at late
or early-hour. holding an earnest
argument with tcbacconist' s sign.
and Ras heard to close the discussion
with the remark: Il tell yous sno usiI,
shworeoff smok'n aand drink'n lash
New Yearshi'-iShOe and Leather Re
porter.
oASoh AAouShlOu, oL Adiioos Aao a
little sori who is decidedly precocious.
Yesterday, Mrs. Houghton said to the
boy, who is years old: Your father
brought You home such a nice little
drum for 3 present, and you never even
kissed him for it," What are YOU
thinking about map replied the boy;
1--WE never kiss each other. "-7erns
Sytings.
A Northern contractor grading
railroad in the South had considerable
trouble with his negro laborers and
complained to friend of their slow
ness. discharge the leader OF the
gang" said the latter, land get you
man who can sing lively songs" 1t
was done, and the design had the de-
sired effect, the negroes picks and
shovels moving obediently TO the MEL
ody.
An anglers journal is publishing
series of letters to prove that a brook
trout weighing twenty-four pounds
was caught in Maine in 1S49. There is
nothing remarkable about it, thinks the
Norristown Herald. AS trout gener-
ol1u ;poraoSaS g., uyo;nht at fha II