The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1885-05-16
BY IlIII. NNE.

Many people nave Travelled all their
| lives and yet do not know how TO behave
! themselves when on the road. For the
benefit and guidance of such, these few
crisp, plain, horsese rules of etiquette
! have been framed.
In travelling by rail, on foot, turn to the
| right on discovering an approaching train.
| II you wish the train to turn out, give two
| loud toots and get in between the rails so
that you will not muss up the right OF way.
Many nice, new right OF way has been
ruined by getting a pedestrian tourist spat-
! tered all over its first mortgage.
On retiring at night on board the train,
| do not leave your teeth in the ice-water
tank. If every one should do so, it would
occasion great confusion in case OF wreck.
| 1t would also cause much annoyance and
| delay during the resurrection. EXperienc-
ed tourists tie string 10 their teeth and re-
tain them during the night.
If you have been reared in extreme pow
erty and your mother supported you until
you grew up and married so that your wife
could support you, you will probably sit in
four seats at the same time with your feet
extended into the aisles so that you can
wipe them off on other people while you
snOre with your mouth open clear to your
shoulder blades.
If you are prone to drop to sleep and
breathe with low, death rattle, like the
exhaust of bath tub, it would be good
plan TO tie up your head in feather bed
and then insert the whole thing IN the
linen closet, or if you cannot secure that,
you might stick ii out of the window and
get it knocked off against tunnel. The
stockholders Of the road might get mad
about it in such a way that they wouldn't
know whose head it was.
Ladies' and gentlemen should guard
against travelling by rail while in beastly
state of intoXication.
In the dining car, while eating, do not
comb your moustache with your fork BY
all means do not comb your moustaChe
with the fork of another. 1t is better to
refrain altogether from combing the nous
tasche with fork while travelling, for the
motion of the train might iab the FORK in
to your eye and irritate it,
If your dessert is very hot and you do not
discover it until you have burned the raj
tiers cut of the roof of your mouth, do not
utter wild yell of agony and spill your
coffee all over total stranger, but control
yourself, hoping to know more the next
time
In the morning is good time to find out
how many people have succeeded in getting
on the passenger train who ought to be in
the stock car.
Generally you will find one male and one
female. The male goes in the wash-room,
bathes his worthless carcass from daylight
until breakfast time, walks in on the feet
Of any man who tries to wash his face dur
ring that time. He wipes himself on
nine different towels, because when he gets
home he knows he will have to wipe on an
old door mat. People who have been rear
ed on hay all their lives generally want to
till themselves full of pie and collie when
they travel.
The female of this same mammal goes
into the ladies' department and remains
there until starvation drives her out. Then
the real ladies have about thirteen seconds
apiece in which to dress.
If you never rode in a vanished car be-
fore, and never expect to again, you will
probably roam up and down the car, mean
dering over the feet of the porter while he
is making up the berths. This is good
way to let people see how little sense you
had left after your brain began to soften.
In travelling, do not take along Il lot of
old clothes that you know you will never
wear.
Never walk through car staring every
body out of countenance, like jim Crow
detective hunting for the James boys, but
mind your own business, be quiet, polite
and patient, and SEE THAT YOUR TICKET
TAKES YOU OVER THE GREAT Rock ISLAND
ROUTE Then you will feel as though
you We're among friends ALL THE TIME and
you will leave the train with a pang of
genuine re uret