The true northerner., 1885-10-08
UNCLE SIS FAMILIAR EPISTLES
TO INQUIRihG YOUTH.
Serving it Hot for WOuld-be
"KOper. +"


''kOper." 4"
An immature New York tough writes
to me as follows:
"Mistur Unkel Si inc in snide
Shue Store 70 yeers old i am butt
wanter bee Roper Kopp fur short
wlch is pleesman yer know & sum gifts
ontu it Rich Cos Its Bully Racket q
ime gonter Be Kop if You was Nee
wood you Be pleesman You Ken Bleed
de Qulsby Blokes Il Blowers y make
Stake every Day ime goin fur 1t Sure
wood You, if yer Down on fellers yer
Ken Lay fur EN- " Mock de Stutiin
outen En- its Dizzy Rackit x ime
gonter bee One woodn't You few was
Nee. yer Ken wurk de Gin nils to de
Queans taist q bee hi Pye wild all de
Day survent gurls & Play it sweat on
de APPEL wimmins fur Peenutts 81
peeches yer Ken fish de Lushes pokes
81 run EN- in fur Drunk x Disordly Il
swipe many fimsy & the Salry is
Bang up ZOO Dollers Yeer Il Kountt
Nee in every Time"
Well, sir. / termed you an "imma-
ture tough" but, reperusing your un-
couth screed, l must say that your I'M
matureness is not that OF the newborn
clam or undedged tadpole, not at all.
All you require is a slight experience
in the field congenial to you TO become
q blooming tough of the hrst water; of
hickory incorrigibility it is IN you, and
all it wants is an outing.
1t is evident that the "Shue Store"
whether it or you is twenty years
old would be hard to tell by your let
ter, but L presume you refer to
your own age-is no place for
you or your capabilities. What you
most urgently require is place In the
field most congenial to your warped
nature; and the more Immediately the
better, as you would the sooner reach
the end OF your tether, young man, 1t
being morally certain that you would
go it with rush from the start, with
out any discretion whatever, thereby
being the more quickly brought down
to the ring-bolt, much to the relief OF
your fellow-citiZens and portion of the
rest of mankind, probably. As such
galoots as you-your letter justl1es the
use of this term, and the application OF
it to YOU - can't be jerked up and
jugged for what they are capable OF do
ing, the best way is to give them every
chance possible of showing their Gus
sedness, as quick means to the desired
end-the squelching of such galoots by
gallows and rope, or the secluding of
the same in stone residences OF the
State; therefore, If you can't emulate
Tim Mccarthy, of Oak street, your
city, young man, and become a dive
keeper of like cussedness of caliber, by
all means do the next best thing, and
get appointed to the finest police force
in the world" as "chief" once termed
it, and which it fondly imagines itself
to be, but which is thus ironically
termed by the citizens at large,
with others not "at large" many
of whom, in durance vile, are better,
morally, than the same number of the
''finest," picked at random.
As New York "cop," young man Of
innate cussedness of soul, you will have
opportunities to follow your natural
bent, which is cussedness OF eighteen
.carats, fully equal, if not superior, to
those enjoyed by dive-keepers OF the
Mccarthy stamp, and feel convinced,
from your letter, that you will be fully
able to take advantage of said oppor-
tunities, and make the most of them.
You may not pull together as big a
Doodle as Tim Mccarthy, the Jay
Gould of dive-keepers, has corralled In
the same length of time, but fellow
of your internal sheolishness can do
well until he runs the thing into the
ground, as it were, which you are
bound to do sooner or later. Should
you ever rise to a captaincy in the
Hfinest, your opportunities for harvest
ing Doodle will increase in number
and volume, and the amount of filthy
lucre you can hive for "rainy day" =
this is figurative term for an indefi-
mite period, as understood-need never
be known to any one not inside your
own waistcoat. and will only be limit
ed by your desires in the direction OF
wealth, be they moderate or the reverse.
The captain of your 290th precinct,
q "blue nose" from the kingdom thereof,
which is located somewhere in the fogs
Of old-cheese density that enshroud the
far eastern portions of this otherwise
blest and happy hemisphere, has, il is
alleged, by following the routes oi
economy and foresight. not to mention
hindsight, and by "strict atten
ton to business'-it is colo
day when he doesn't attend to "busi
ness'-laid by store of the needfu
sufficient unto the end of his days, ever
should these run up into the hundreds
of years, as did those of the late la
mented Mr.. Methuselah, of Palestine
or some ranch contiguous; and thi
lay-by was erected on the foundation o
o $4,000 yearly salary, and in few
short years; which goes to show tina
frugality is not confined to Congress
men, and that New York police cap