davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
A TURPENTINE FERMENTATION.
The Exquisite Torture Your Landlady |
Delights in Infiicting Upon You.

The Exquisite Torture Your Landlady
Delights in InAicting Upon You.
Did you ever take turpentine TO-
mentation when you were not feeling
particularly robustp MOI First your
landlady, who is very kind lady in
deed, in spectacles, slips rag in dish
of turpentine and deposes it very neatly
on the muscles that run up back of the
ear. On top of this she deposits a nice
white cloth. which at intervals sht
wrings out in hot water. Then You liz
back upon your pillow and smile aifably.
You don't see anything SO very bad in
that. You even essay joke or two,
just to show the inhabitants that though
cast down you are not destroyed. Then
suddenly, without the least warning,
somebody lams you in the back of the
neck with the fiat side of a red-hot
shovel. At least, you think that that is
what ails you, and in the excirement of
the moment you yell out some very
audible conversation, but it subsequently
transpires that it would have been wiser
to withhold your yells until later, when
they seem better calculated to do you
good. Whoever it is with the shovel
now begins to press it against you hard.
You groan aloud at this. and if you are
a profane man, as l am afraid you
would be-, you possibly indulge in a
variety of quotations that can not fail
to cause your landlady pain.
Am l not almost donep" you pres
emily groan, as that good woman re-
news the wrung- out bandage.
''Donep" she interrogates. as she
carefully attends to getting the shovel
back in exactly the same agonizing
spot.
.'Yes. you say. cooked"
ooh" the landlady kindly returns,
''it has only just begun"
Then she goes out Of the room mo-
ment, you don't know what for. but
you suspect after more turpentine.
Now you fall into sort of horrid night
mare and you find your neck locked
in one of Torrey's sand mounds. which
a sooty-faced workman in dirty apron
is pouring full of molten brass. How
it sizzles and burns! You shrek aloud.
Then you snatch Off those wet and fiery
bandages, and you fling them madly
across the room, just in season to catch
the landlady, who at this instant un-
suspectingly opens the door, square in
the face, to her undoubted astonish-
ment and alarm.
'Why.n she exclaims. when she has
recovered her composure and the rags,
''they haven't been on half long enough
yet"
Woman" you scream. las she APP
proaches the bed with the clothes in
hand, ''keep away with those odious
implements of wrath. Away, say
avaunt! One step nearer and stretch
you living corpse at my feetr'
You don't mean this. of course, and
You couldn't do it. anyway, for your
feet are tied up in the bed clothes, but
in YOU delirillm you hardly know what
you say. But the Ian dlady soothes
your agitation with some cooling re-
marks, anoints your burning. blistered
neck in oil. and leaves you to pleasant
dreams. In the course of six or seven
hours the fire begins to subside and
you sink into troubled Sleep. But in
the morning you will find yourself bot
ter. There Is no doubt OF this. --Rock-
lind Courier.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
A Roman Road in England.

-. I. q y H.
Il. While some workmen were engaged
recently in making an excavation near
the Kenyon Arms Hotel. Little Hutton,
England, for the purpose of laying a
main sewer, they found what appeared
to be a Roman road in almost perfect
preservation. The road was at depth
of over six feet from the surface of the
ground, and it is thought that this is
the cause of its being in such perfect
state. Some ancient horseshoes and
coins have also been found by the work
men, and little doubt is entertained BY
those who have seen the discoveries
that the road was constructed by the
Romans, and it is coniectured that it
formed part of road leading from
Manchester to the north, probably to
Lancaster. 1t has been arranged that
a considerable length of the road shall
be- laid bare. and it will then. be- in
spected BY members of the Lancashire
and Cheshire Antiquarian Society. The
discovery was altogether unlocked for.
as it has not hitherto been suspected
that the Romans had laid out road in
this direction. IN ~. Post issl 9A@
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
Other Peoples Letters.

The simplicity with which certain
people acknowledge their own sins Of
curiosity, and other forms of bad taste.
is sometimes very refreshing. 1t
suggests the only excuse possible for
them, that Of the ignorance in which
their offenses were committed. Said a
farmer to neighbor, whose mail he
had just brought from the adjoining
town: There one more-a postal
card-but Ivow. believe I've lost I'll!
No matter; know what was on it.
Your SISTER Mara's comm next Mon
day"
A gentleman in Rome one day asked
the postollice clerk If there were any
letters for him. There was one.
"How much for itP''
Zone scDdo. CA dollar.)
That's too much.n said the gentle
man. III make it half scudon
Won't you make it seven paoli?"
(seventy cents) asked the clerk.
''No. l won t..
well. then. you may have it at your
own price. I've read il. and it's nothing
but u oveletter. = lezth's Conipanion
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
ODD MARRIAGES.
Some OF the Trials and Tribulations Ex-
perlenced by CIergymen.

Some OF the Trials and Trfbulations Ex-
perienced by CIergymen.
Rev. ID. r. Lowell, of the Ash Grove
Methodist Church in this city. read a
paper before a small but attentive gath
ering yesterday morning in the lecture
room of th, Hudson Avenue Methodist
Church. He dwelt upon the different
ways that people present themselves
for marriage, the sad results of some
marriages, and the amusing incidents
that occur. Mr.. Lowell said: "All that
pertains to the work of the ministry is
of interest, and profitable to us as we
exchange our thoughts in conference.
Every minister has various experiences
in starting people in married life.
Sometimes these experiences are pleas
ant, sometimes sad and amusing, and
oftentimes very annoying. y
II Zone OF the strange cases was where
colored man had become enamored of
an Irish girl, and they finally presented
themselves for marriage. After the
ceremony had been performed they left,
apparently happy. On the day follow
ing the man returned and wanted the
marriage undone, but all ! could do
was simply TO refer them to lawyer.
Another case that is amusing, and yet
sad, is where ! once married a young
couple, and when ! had pronounced
them man and wife the young man paid
me one dollar, and explained he was
unable to pay more, as he had just lost
what little money he had possessed. A
short time afterward his wife died and
this young man came to borrow two
dollars from me, promising to return it
in day or two; but instead OF return
ing it he went to neighboring minis
ter and was remarked on my money. |
was once called to house 10 perform
the rites of marriage, having the certifi-
cate, all made ont, with me. At the
house the friends were all waiting. The
table was spread with sumptuous sup
ply. When il was time for the cere-
mony the bride came forward, not lean
ing on the arm Of the groom. put on the
contrary. she was supporting him. He
was so much under the influence of
liquor as to be unable to walk. At my
request he was seated and i had talk
with the intended bride and learned
that she was the daughter of rich and
respected parents. Her father was to
shower a dowry of ten thousand dollars
! on her at the time OF her marriage, and
she insisted on marrying this poor
drunken wretch who did not own adolf
lar / fatty refused and left the house,
taking the certificate with me. as l did
not deem it right to marry man that
did not know what he was about.
These are some Of the few cases
1 that have come to my notice. Often
times am compelled to turn couples
away that present themselves for mar
riage for various reasons. The fees Of
ministers vary for performing the cere-
Inony. Sometimes they receive as high
as twenty dollars and more. and range
from that as low US one dollar and
nothing Oftentimes some ask to have
the fee trusted, which is always done.
Some frequently agree 10 pay more, and
others never pay at all. ~ Attany Es-
press. s+,<s,. ia
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
She Had a Relapse.

Mrs. Timpkins had not been feeling
well. and Mr. I. had felt the results Of
it in various ways. Sunday morning
he went to church as a sort of a vaca-
ton. and when he came back his wife
wanted to know all about it.
"Who was thereP she asked. after
several other questions of more spirit
da.l nature.
"Oh, everybody as usual. saw Joe
Fieldrig among the number and was
little surprised"
''WhyP"
"He isn't orthodox.
'In what respect?"
HE doesn't believe in a hereafter"
Il never heard that before. low do
you knowp''
BEST evidence in the world. He's
going to get married next week."
Mrs. +. had relapse. Merchant
zraveler.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

Florence, Mass, has a lady tri-
cyclist in the person of Miss Anna
Strong. The natural inference is that
Anna Strong woman can ride tricycle..
Boston Transcript.
1t is said that only one woman in q
thousand can whistle. Well, she doesn't
need to. The husbands the one who
receives the bills, and of course he's the
one to whistle. = Yonkers Statesman.
Boston society note: 20, where
does beauty lingerP" demands Quaker
City poetess. As usual thing she lin
gers in the parlor until her mother has
cleaned up the kitchen. - Boston Post.
The enfam terrible is at it again.
He astonished West Saugus supper
table the other night by demanding
''some of the cake with one egg in it
made for the company" He took the
cake. Boston Transcript.
"A culinary exchange says; Eggs
and ham are very nice" This should
be valuable suggestion to boarding
house keepers. whose ham and eggs are
seldom very nice. Let them try trans
posing the dishes. The Judge.
WHATS the first thing you would
do, Jones, if you We're stIing by a
hornet?" asked Smith, who had been
reading an article on the treatment OF
stings. Swear replied Jones, sol
EMMY. And the conversation abruptly
ended. - Boston Courier.
-"Why is it, asked Nifty OF his
physician, ..that you can't prescribe
even a dose of pills without that ever
lasting r on the prescription" You
X right, replied his medical adviser,
that is one of the pill-R S Of medicine. "
--Stockton Maverick. y
-Boarder-" Squeeze. will
have to leave your house if you allow
that regular tough to come to break
fast every morning. Landlady :
.What do you mean2n Boarder-
1.-The steak, of course. Puck
You are bound TO read. see. y
said Mrs. S. to her husband, who, with
novel in hand. was busy among its
pages. so is this book" he replied
without looking up, and his talkative
wife collapsed. Oil city Derick.
Where Is the Driver?
How doth the little busy mule
Toll patiently all day,
And switch his tail and elevate
His lofty ears and bray.
How doth his eyes with drowsy CLEAN
Let naught escape his ken,
But when he elevates his heels
Where is the driver then?
do you ever have dreadful, tired
feeling come over you?" asked patent
medicine manufacturer of friend who
complained of not feeling well. 20.
yes, often" replied the friend. 'You
should try bottle of my cure-all. How
often do you experience this tired feel
ingp" Every time see your adver-
tisement ON the fences. y Chicago
Standard.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
FOR OUR YOUNG FOLKS.
MY LIrfle SWEETHEART.


Such gorgeous little fellow.
IN suit Of fade yellow.
And q taie of sliken stockings black as any
starsase night;
When the summer breeze is blowing
Ari a bonnie iittle lad is he and quite my
hearts delight,
Sometimes we have gone u boating
Down the Mystic River Hos ling.
With the sun in splendcr shining aud the blue
sky overhead;
And can sing as can not many,
And he one among thousand, whatsoever
may be sad.
He is very fond OF horses
All their PAGES and their courses
He can tell you, aud he hopes some day to
have loug tailed stecd
In the Futures gifts confiding.
Down along the village sidewalk on red vo-
iocpede
Every father. every mother,
Has one sweetheart or another
With a'nultitude of virtues and "A fault or two
beside
BETTER than the stars above them,
4sr the wondrous goodness of them and their
truth that's neer denied.
.-
By and by, when this bright fellow
Wears no more his suit of yellow,
But IS clothed In darker garments as rents
Rrown-up man,
I'm afraid IN grieve trihe
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21
"FoR THE TIME BEING"

''For the time being!'
How long is that A space as brief
As takes the whirllng Autumn leaf
To reach the sward the April fake
To change to dew, the wave to break
Now shoreward hcelDgf
"For the time beingw
How long is tbatf As long, perchance,
AS while merry thought doth glance
Across the deep and weli-loved eyesf
AS long as term of tears and signs,
The full heart freeing?
'sFor the time beingv
How long Is thatY | wait to henr.
A breathing space, a day, Year,
TIL this life's silent bound be won,
And other unknown life begun II ~
Past sound, past seeingg
"For the time being!"
1t Is forever, as think,
A censeless adding Link to INK
A series, as Of waves at sea; esrltf
For, tell me, when shall time not be,
In Fate's decrceing?
''For the time beingl"
ct Is thy world Thou dost not know.
Such promise will not let thee go:
Since time shall never cease to be,
i ask but this-that thou'it love me
For the time beingF'
-Edhh NJ. Thomas, d, N. y. INDEPENDENT.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1885-11-21

Judge Clayton, Of Pennsylvania,
has decided the great Darlington butter
case The Darlington Brothers had
been using as a trade mark an imprint
on their butter rolls. the device being a
cornucopia, with the makers name I'M
dcrneath. As the butter rose in public
favor. farmers in the vicinity used the
same imprint, and the Darlingtons sued
them. The Judge decided the case
against the farmers. = Philadelphia
The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-08-13
GRANTS GREArNEss


Topeka Capital: General Grant was
very simple man In his habits. modest
In demeanoF, tender In sympathy, and
plain in speech. He was direct in pur-
pose and self poised. not seeming to
realize that there was anything about an
undertaking except to accomplish it
he was not domonstratIve In any affair
He would play with q child and car
ess it, but without romping; he planned
campaign as If by intuition, and he
moved armies as quietly as he would
converse with friend. When an emer-
gencY came his readiness 70 meet it ap-
peared like trained preparation; his
grace in providing for sudden changes
had the appearance OF studied plans.
There was directness and bluntness
about him that always appeared to have
come from q careful studious prepars-
ton for the particular event.
1t was this readiness for duty, this
tact for caring for what was ON hand
combined with broad guaged intellect
which could comprehend great things
without becoming giddy, that accounts
in q large measure for the greatness of
the man. When General Buckner ask
ed for terms of surrender, the hero of
Donelson could accept nothing short of
unconditional surrender, for he pro-
posed to move Immediately on his
enemy's works. and then he rode over in
TO the fort and took breakfast with Buck.
ner. When at Appomattox, and while
waiting for the coming of General Lee
10 sign the terms of surrender, he was
congratulated by rebel officer on his
success in arms, this plain man only
said, II hope it will be best for US ALL
He was great in little things; he was
manly, he was brave, honest and true
People have often failed to understand
the plan soldier, because, IN looking
among the men who had begun revolu-
tiens, men whose Oratory had swayed
multitudes and moved nations, men
whose written words filed volumes with
rich thought, they did not find the
counterpart of Grant. He was not like
other men There was only one General
Grant. AS the years shall come and &c
and as time helps to soften mems preju-
dices and make them larger, more Just
kinder, they will SEQ more clearly thar
they do now the real worth of the silent
commander.
The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-08-13
PRoHI6TTTON 0ONVEHrIoN.


1 hereby ask all voters of Lyon coun-
ty who are In favor of National Prohi-
bition party in nation state and county
to meet at the court house in this city
SATURDAY., August IS, at O'Clock p. m.
for the purpose of electing delegates to
the prohibition convention to be held at
Ottawa, Kan, August IS, and for the pur-
pose of such other action as may be
deemed advisable at the time We also
request that all the counties IN this con-
eressIonal district hold like conventions
az the same time OF at some date BE-
tween this and the time of the state con
and that prohibItionIsts IN the
varions counties of the district see that
this call is published IN their county pa
pers and that such meeting be held and
such seton be taken as above requested
R. L. LORI,
Committeeman for Fourth Con. Dist.
EmporIa, Kansas, Aug. 6, 1885.
The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-08-13
4 OELEBRATRD ORDER.

New York World: Senator Morgan
Of Alabama, in speaking of the mag
nanimity Of General Grant, related the
following, of which he was personally
cognizant: Clement @. Clay, said he,
was appointed by the confederate gov
eminent as diplomatic commissioner
to Canada. He was afterward taken
and carried, believe, to Fortress Mon
roe, where he was imprisoned. He was
| dying at the time, 1t was thought, OF
asthma, and his wife came here TO ask
his release on giving the required bond.
She went to President johnson, and he
| gave her the necessary order, which she
took back to Secretary Stanton. Stan
ton read the order, and, looking her in
the face. tore it up without a word and
| pitched 1t into his waste
basket. The lady arose and retired with
out speaking; nor did Stanton speak to
her. She was filed with despair. She
saw her husband, in whom her life was
wrapped up, dying in prison, and she
was unable to help him. Shortly after
she met gentleman, l think Mr.. Gar
land, the present attorney general, and
told him how she had been treated.
"Your husband was commissioned by
the Confederate government brlgadier
general" said Garland; az was present
at the time. know that he duly quail
fed and received his commission, That
brings him within General Grants pa
role TO the Confederate army. You go to
him and tell him your story" Mrs. Clay
went straight TO General Grants house,
but was told that the general was lust
about to leave for New York. She asked
to send in word to him, and the servant
took her name. In about q minute
General Grant appeared. gripsack in
hand, and told her that he had but time
TO catch the train "Then l will walk
with you, general" the lady said. mo,
no." said Grant, "let's hear Whist
you want to say" Then 1
must make my statement short"
said Mrs. Clay. "My husband is Gen.
Clay, of the Confederate army. He is in
prison, and will die If he stays there.
President johnson gave me an order tor
his release on bond. / carried the order
to Secretary of War Stanton Mr.. Stan
ton tore the paper up before my eyes
and cast IL away" Grant rung the bell |
and Badsau entered. "Have you a roster /
of the Confederated army g' said he.
Yes, sir" answered Badeau. as there /
q Gen. Clay ?" he said as he took the /
roster. "Clemont Q. Clay. Is thet your
husband ?" "Yes, sir" Gen. Grant sat /
down and wrote as follows:
seen. Clement G. Clay, of the Con-
federate army, Is included IN the parole
of that army granted by me at Apo
maCtox. It is my order that he be releas-
ed on giving the proper bond, and I shall
see that this order is carried out
U. s. GRANT, General u. s. A."
Grant handed the order to Mrs. Clay
and babe her good-by. The lady went
TO Mr.. Stanton and presented the order.
The secretary tapped his bell and, hand
ing the paper to his aid, said: Have
hat man discharged"
The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-08-13
HIs NORTHUMBERLAND BoNoR

Troy Times: While General Grant was
SICK on Mt. McGregor he received from
various sources $500. This amount
was used TO paw two debts which any
man would have been honored In owing.
After the Grant s. Ward failure it was
currently reported that General Grant
was In slraItensd circumstances. Chas.
Wood, q manufacturer of LansIngburg.
although he had never seen General
Grant, wrote TO him offering gift of
$500. General Grant wrote back that
he would accept the money as a loan.
and sent Mr.. Wood his note tor the
amount. The latter again wrote 70 the
general offering another $500, which
was accepted on the same basis. Minis
ter Romero of Mexico about the same
time left 1900 on q mantelpiece in the
Grant house, and rushed away before q
refusal could be given. He Is q Door
man. and his friendship for General
Grant was of the most romantic cha~ac-
ter. These two debts, incurred in such
q curious way, were paid before the gen.
erals death, TO great extent from money
received for his magazine work.
The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1885-08-13
O1JTJE HATTFPe


Hon. Harrison Kelley, chairman of
the live stock sanitary commission,
writes to Governor Martin, under date
of August 3, a letter, of which the fol-
lowing is an extract:
"In accordance with the directions of
the commission, visited the western
part OF the state along the A, L. 81 s, +.
road last week to look after the threat
ened invasion OF southern Texas cattle
l made diiigent inquiries at Dodge City,
Cimarron, Garden City, Coolidge, and
other points, and found no one who knew
OF any Texas cattle on the drive, except
one herd near Coolidge, and they were
| claimed to be on the Colorado side of
the line. A representative of the Texas
caitlemen at Coolidge assured me that 1t
was their intention to keep strictly on
the Colorado side of the line. But the
Kansas settlers whom l talked with felt
very much afraid that they would
crowd them on Kansas soil soon after
passing Coolidge. The difficulty out
there is that all the country west and
north is attached to Finney county for
| Judicial purposes, and hence there Is but
one sheriff for the whole of 1t, and few
| deputies for the western part of it. The
sheriff, Mr. Fulton, OF Garden City, is an
active man, and instructed the settlers
to telegraph him in case they needed
his services. And he (FnitoD) assured
me he would go on q moments notice
and make thorough work. feel con-
fident that if the Texas drovers should
attempt to come into Kansas in Hamil-
ton county they will be stopped. They
claim, however, to have made an ar
rangement with the Colorado authori-
ties to move north along the east line of
that state. II this is true they will prob
ably remain on Colorado soil. But l
fear 1t is not true, as to the people
of that state, and that as they go north
the settlers in Colorado will compel
them to vibrate over into Kansas. And
having got that far north, they will try
to make Kansas settlers and others be-
lieve that their herds have been inspect
ed and passed by the authorities in the
southern part of the state, and that they
have right to proceed. The isolated
stock and the ranchmen will not feel
like graphing with such powerful in
terest, and will probably let them pass
and lose their own cattle. From fifty TO
sixty thousand head are reported to be
now between the south line of Colorado
and Coolidge. Probably some by this
this time have passed Coolidge. Should
they get over into Kansas as they go
north. Wallace would be good point to
atom of