Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1885-11-15
BILL NYE ON THE EARTH.
Chicago NeCS.

The earth is that body in the solar sys-
tenn which most of my readers now reside
upon, and which some Of them, regret to
say, modestly desire 10 own aud control,
forgetting that the earth is the Lords, and
the fullness thereof. Some men do not
care who owns the earth so long as they
get the fullHess.
The earth is 500,OOO,OO0 years of sge,
according 10 Prof, Proctor, but che doesn't
look il to me. The duke of Argyll main
taius that she is 100000 years old last
August, but what does an ordinary duke
know about these things? So far as am
concerned | will put Proctors memory
against that of any low priced duke hat
have ever seen.
Newton claimed that the earth would
gradually dry up and become porous, and
that water would at least become curios.
ity Many believe this and are rapidly
preparing their systems by rigid course Of
treatment, go that they can live for years
without the use of water internally or ex'
ternaly.
Other SCIENTISTS who have set up nights
to MOI key with the solar system, and there
BY shattered their neavo1s systems, claim
that the earth is getting top heavy at the
north pole, and that on Of these dsys while
we are thinking of something else, the
great weight of accumulated ice, snow, and
the vast accumulation of secondhand arc
tic relief expeditions, will jerk the earth
out Of its present position with 30 much
spontauiety, and in such an extremely forth
with manner, that many people will be per-
msnently strabismussed and much bricG-
brac will be for sale at great sacrifice
This may or may not be true. | have not
been up IN the arctic regions to investigate
lis truth or fslsity, though there seems to
be a growing sentiment throughout the
country in favor of my going. A great
many people during the past year have
written me and given me their consent.
If | could take about twenty good, pick
ed men and 90 up there for the summer
instead of bringing back twenty picked
men | wouldn't mind the trip, and l feel
that we really ought to have large colony
on ice in that region than we now have
The earth is composed OF land and wa
ter. Some of the water has large chuucks
Of ice in it The earth reyolyes around
its own axle once in twenty four hours,
though it seems 10 revolve faster than that
and TO wobble good deal during the hoi-
days. Nothing tickles the earth more than
to confuse a man when he is coming home
late at hight, and then to rise up suddenly
and hit him in the back with town lot
People who think there ia no fun or relax
alton among the heavenly bodies certainly
have not studied their habits. Even the
moon ia humorist.
A friend Of mine who was returning late
at night from a regular meeting Of the
Society for the Amsliorsion of the Hot
Scotch said that the ear h rose up suddenly
in front Of him aud hit him a right Of way,
and SIS be was about 10 rise up sgain he
was stunned by terrific blow between the
shoulder blsdes With an old land grant that
he thoaght had lspssd years ago. When
be staggered TO his FRET be found that the
moon, in order to add to bis confusion, had
gone down in front of him and risen again
behind him, VITA her thumb on her nose
So say, without fear OF successful con.
trsdiCtion. that if you do not think that
planets and orbs and one thing and anoth-
er have fun on tie quiet you are grossly
ignorant OF their hsbi,s.
iTGe earth is about halt Way between Mer-
,eury and Saturn in the matter Of density
Mercury is about the specific gravity Of
iron, while that Of Saturn corresponds with
that OF cork in the mater Of density and
specific gravity. The earth, of course does
not compare with Mercury in the matter Of
solidity, yet it is amply firm for all prsci-
cal purposes ! negro who fell out OF the
tower Of q twelve story building while try
ing to clean the upper widow by drinking
a quart of alcohol and then breathing hard
on the glass, ssysihat he regards the earth
as Ifectly sold and safe to do business
on for years TO CONS. He claims that
those who msintsin thai the earth's crust
is only 25O6 miles in thickness have not
thoroughly tested tie matter by system
of practical experiments.
The poles of the earth ere merely imsgi-
nary. hate to print this statement in Q
large paper, in such q way sc to iDjure the
reputation Of great writers on this subject
who still cling to the theory that the earth
revolves upon large poles and that the au-
rora boreaGs is but the reflection from 9
hot box at the noSth pole, but l am here to
tell the truth, and z asJ readers think it dis
agreeable to read : truth what must my