Sharp County record., 1885-04-30
SMUGMUGGERY.
The Astonishing Changes Which Result
from Removal of Beard and Mustache.

nudG lut SCICHLIlIC tcILu snug mug Clg :
means, l might explain that it refers to
those who transform themselves into
smugwumps by shaving off their whisk-
erS and mustaches 1t is a barber s
boom-or boon, rather The result OF
this freak of fashion is that whiskers
and mustaches are disappearing with a
rapidity that is bewildering. A per-
son passes his best friend and fails to
recognize him-all on account of his
smugmug.
desire to point out some Of the dis
asters that have occurred through the
slavish following of tbs new fashion. l
don't suppose that | shall be able to
check this growing evil, but the in
stances that have come to my knoWl-
edge may serve as a warning to some
who have not yet become smugwumps.
There was John G. Stiyer', for IN
stance. Stivers wore q long, black
beard topped BY mustache, and you
doubtless have noticed when you spoke
to him about anything that he had the
habit of striking his long, black beard
slowly in a way that certainly left the
impression that Stiyer5 was deep-a
very deep-thinker. | know that was
the effect it had on me. remember a
few weeks ago meeting him, saying:
"Well, Mr.. Stiyers, looks as if we were
going to have Russian warp
StiTers strOked his beard thought
fully, and said
"Yes, it looks that way. But -
we'll, you wait a few days. "
Now" said l to myself as | left him,
"there' a man who has studied the
Afghan matter in all its bearings. No
fippant opinion there. y
"Well, of course you've seen StiverS
since he shaved! The weak, irTesolute
mouth and reced,ng chin is now in full
view. happen to know that in very
short time he was to have been taken in
as a partner in the house of Ready,
Made & Co., the clOthiers, whose con-
fidential clerk he has been for so many
years-manager | might say. Now he
thinks his whole trouble arises from the
fact that, when he went into the estab-
lishment just after shaving Mr.. Made
approached him smilingly and said:
"Anything we can show you to-day,
sir?" Of course it made a big laugh
when the clerks saw that old Made had
been trying to sell something to his own
manager, but that was not the trouble.
Mr.. Ready himself told me that it as
tOnished him to think they had ever
sought the advice of such man, and OF
course now any mistakes that had hap
pened in over purchase and that sort of
thing were aid to the charge OF Stiver5
suggestions. Now he is out of employ
ment, and no one ever prefixe5 the
Mr. to his name. 1t is pitiful to
see the way his hand wanders aimlessly
around his smooth face searching for
the lost beard.
Then there was DR.. Schuyler Brown.
He saw his mistake in time, and has
left the city till his beard grows on
again. His patients positively refused
to be prescribed for by 50 bOyish look
ing man. BY the time he lost half his
practice the facts of the case dawned on
him, and his leaving will doubtless
bring back patients and beard.
| see by the papers that Mrs. Simp-
kins Calendar has got her divorce from
poor Simpkins. Of course the very
sight of his smugmug in court was
enough to turn the case against him.
Simpkins wasn't bad-looking fellow
when bearded like a pard, but the
transformation was something awful.
Why the man was idiotic enough to
shave is mystery to his friends. He
ought to have remembered how he
looked without beard.
The fashion spares neither old nor
Young. met old John Mortimer yes
terday out for the first time in three
weeks, and he looked haggard with the
gray stubble of three weeks growth
on his face. | think it served John
right. | told him a month ago that
that brutal dog would kill somebody
yet; but Mortimer thought because the
dog knew him it was all right. 1t was
useless to tell old Mortimer that the
brute had selected samples of the cloth
ing of every friend that had the cour-
age to call at the house. When the old
man came home that night shaved
smooth the dog did not recognize him,
and 50 kept him up the tree in the front
yard till Mrs. Mortimer and young
John came home from the singing
meeting. Young John would have
brought him down from the tree with
his revolver, too, if he had had it with
him, for the old man was so hoarse with
shouting that he could not speak above
whisper, and they thought he was a
treed tramp.
1t is rather curious how the scar on
the upper lip of that McAdam who was
arrested last week for the Chicago de-
falcation led 10 his being identified.
No one was more astOnished than
Brown. Brown said he would have