The Hocking sentinel. [volume] (Logan, Ohio) 1871-1906, 1885-01-15

r,arsnv .lluyiai districts,and if found any
where else he must be ut once pronounced
purely exotic.
The euphonious title of this Rara Avis o
the genus homo is applied to them by reas
: on of a peculiar hirsuit appendfge wh1cl
appears on different parts of the cuticl
presenting an appearance somewhat sim1
lar to the Usnea of the botanisti
Some naturaiists suppose thatthis a5nol
NAL gIOwth il owing to the direct infu
ence of certain miasmatic vapors gener
ated in the marshes and low DISTRICTS wiIicf
the creature inhabits. but whether the va
pors cause the growth, or the growth caus-
es the fOgs is Il question that is still unde
termine in the minds of many scientific
celeb. tiles, but am OF the col .firmed opin.
ion that thus stra Hge appearance is caused
by $ pme peculiar exosmosis of the body OF
the creature itself.
The predominating characteristics of tn s
peculiar species are Industry, thrift and
sterling unsuspecting honesty. Esau, OF
whom previous mention has been made,
suffered financial ruin because OF his hon
est confidence, plodding habits and hi
I ngovernable appitite fOrsoup.
Indeed 1 may here remark that good
cheer and hearty living characterizes the
Moss Backs of all ages, climes and times.
and every female of this species is thor
,Oughly inducted into the mode of forcing
the pro,niscuous INTERPRETATION of the
component parts of frs class preserves, as
well as how to construct monumental
pumpkin pies. ginger bread and sof. soap.
! The real Moss Back is in no manner de-
fective in knowledge. nor does he eschew
| books, or altogether discard "book larnin.' -
Much of his knowledge is however trans
mitted from generation TO generation by
the oral teachings of the venerable sa-
chems, who have grown old in the prac-
tice of their curious arts. and in the obser-
vation of their nE.rring signs, all OF which
are studiously rracticed by those of fewer
years and less extended experience,
No true Moss Back has ever been known
to depart rom tie faith of the fathers, aLd
when books set themselves in array against
the established traditions, the books are ut
once discarded and held in supreme, but
not silent contempt.
By this tedious process Of verbal instruc-
tion the youthful Moss Backs are taught to
to presage coming events with the unerring
certainty of Thomas the Rhymer.
By means of this occult knowledge he
is enabled to kill his quadrupeds of the g.
nus "Sus" at the proper period i'll the wax
ing of fair Luna, that the aggregated ada
pose tissue may not suffer diminution In
the process of fsalineification.
(N.B.-This sentence is especially dedica-
ted to my Hon. friend and tutor, Judge S.
H. Wright.)
By the same unerring law he, plants his
seeds and constructs his fences in the light
of the moon, so that the first will certainly
come up and the latte will stay up; and
he reverses the lule and nails on shingles
and cuts down troublesome weeds, with
the comfortin. assurance thatthe one will
forever remain i'll place ard the other will
never sprout. -
By another series of mysterious observa-
tions lie is enabled to aver Ssitlil tiia Ger
tainty OF an oath, tn at if cucumbers are not
planted before sunrise Oh tile first day of
June, and cabbage seed Is not SOW n on the
anniversary of the patron saint0t Ireland,
the Cimex will destroy the crop.
The Moss Back is a successful husband
man, but what is there to hinder him, and
notice his manifold advantages
His pork never shrlnks;
His potatoes always come up Mt once;
His fences once built need no further at
tention;
His shingles never warp;
Weeds and brambles are always under
his and the moons control;
Wl,ilo II oS. l,,oc nd tn tirC
beetles are perfectly harmless in his cab.
bage field and cucumber domain. ard be-
sides all these named ad vantages, ,he is able
to foretell the state OF the weather for
months in advance.
The Moss Back has an incontrOvertible
preemption on the Ground Hog, his rights
i'll this regard are equally we'll defined and
clear as are those of the Haw Eater to the
"Possum" and the Persinihon. ]
No we'll regulated Moss Back family I
would dare ell counter the rigourous and
agsravating changes of;t fitful and capri
cious spring without first consulting the
above named ancient and reliable Oracle,
who will transmit his wonderful and pro-
phetic representations to no oil her mortal
save IL thoroughbred Moss Back.
But the su perior advantages of the Moss
Back do not end even here, for if no G. H.
Is accessible he can, with equal certainty
and facility, consult the Wild Pigeons.
the Wild Geese Black birds, Crows or Musk
rats; and as Il dernier resort the approach
of a mild or rigorous winter are announced
toshim by the moss (bacss) OH the trees.
The Moss Back is able to always obtain
the highest price in filthy lucre for any
and everything he has to sell, and this be-
cause he knows in advance when a scarcity
will occur in any commodity, this knowl-
edge coming to him, by or through his un-
of the mystic influence of the
Emberdays, in fact ali movable feasts are |
to him plethoric with meaning, and brist- |
ling with prognosticatior. 60.
Again, rats commit no depreaatiOns on !
him Tor -he reason that by the writing OF
certain talismanic words on a slip Of prop
erly prepared paper he can send hor,:e OF
rats on journey miles in length and to
place of certain Starvation, to return to
him "Nevermore." Nobody but a Moss
Back can do this even if tl.ey know how;
so at least have been informed 10y a ven-
erabie Moss Back, from whomI attempted
to purloin this wonderful art.
u may hcrelemark that for reasons en-
tirely satisfactory to myself, l never
attempted to obtain the information u Sec
Dnd time.)
These are a few of the peculiar and reInar
kable advantages of this wonderful crea
ture over all others of the genus. And
should any of the foregoing signs fail, it
will not be the fault of the sign. or an error
Of Judgment in the Moss Back, but most
likely the failure may be directly traced to
the perniciouS effects of .book larnin" on
he we'll established and time hOnOred Gus
,oms, traditions and usageS of the fathers.
The presence OF the foregoing knowledge
S the evidence OF the true blood in the
Moss Back, and the absenceOf any portion
hereof is to be certainly reckoned as an
evidence OF degeneracy.
The premises considered, in language le-
raj. in the light of the manifold advantages
= it to he wondered at, that the Moss Rack
,wDs the best farms, the largest and mosi
uostantial barns, the most spacious and
Omfortable houses, the finest cattle, the
argest sheep, hogs and horses, the longest
md heaviest bank account and the fewest
Door relations.
The first Moss Backs in the United States
:ame over with the renowned Sir HendricE
Il hudson, and went into business at New
amsterdam, but they did not succeed well
ill they captured 81 Ground Hog and two
,r three EmberdayS.
The Moss Backs are never lazy or i'm
because IL is contrary to nature;
N fact so great is th cir love of labor that
hey frequently fail TO observe the hebdom-
dal pelioi.
An old author by the name of Washing
on Irving. tried to make people believe,
hat the renowned Moss Back, Rip Van
was indolent--but everybody
lowadays knows that Washington simply
led, unde" a mistake. Rip was industri-
'us as anybody but he had the misfortune,
Ike ny self, OF being born tired, and lie
eiZpu the first fv IN Sloa,, r. |