davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
HIS SHOES ARE THIRTY-FIVES.
A Colored Minister Whose Foot 1.
Something Colossal.

Business men are not supposed to
laugh at any order, however extravagant,
that may be sent them, but if one of
Lynn3 big shoe-dealers didn't indulge
in real CHASTITY smile when he received
one order this fall it was because he had
not sufficient strength left. ]. NJ. Far
mum is colOred preacher in Charlotte,
N. c., and his fighting weight when
skirmishing with the legion of Satan is
4l0 pounds. He stands six feet ten
inches high without his b )Ots, ard, TAX
Ell collectively, would he a dangerous
man to fall under at a skating link.
Some time ago a Southern gentleman
met Mr.. Farnum in the SOutl and the
latter ordered pair of shoes II lie for
him at the North, for which this &C tle-
man took the measure. The order "
given to Lynn's leaCing shoe manufact-
urer, but it Was too much for him, and
pair of shoes were made from a
special last in Boston and sent the rever-
end gentleman. TIE she ss are thirty -6vcs
The length from heel to toe is Just TWEEN
ty inches. and the width of the bali, IN
Guiding a protuberance that may b. a
corn and may be natural. is tritle over
seven and one. half inches. Some idea
of the "tout-ensemble" may be gained
from the fact that pasteboard copy of
the sole of one of the shoes which re-
porter carried in his overcoat pocket, ex-
tended from the lowest depth of the
pocket to the arm-pits. This copy was
taken from a measurement of the boot.
less foot of the clergyman, and those who
know pronounce it correct.
From the forward end of the sole a
piece the size of dessert plate could be
easily cut. The heel, if of the proper
material, would make q decidedly gener.
GUS flap jack, and the whole thing, in the
shape and size, gives one the irresistible
impression of a tennis racket, or an
elongated shirt-front, without its SYM
metrv. Boston Globe.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
The Season at Nice.

hear from Nice that there is hope of
a fairly good winter season after all, as
regular visitors are beginning to take
heart of grace from the fact of the chol-
era having almost entirely abated at
Toulon and Marseilles, and also from
the knowledge that inquiries are being
made by several notables for suitable
residences or apartments. Among 9TH
ers who will take up their abode at Nice
for the winter is the kiI.g Of Wurtem-
berg, and hear that his agents are al
ready trying to secure him a villa by
November, and there is also talk of the
ex-Queen Isabella of Spain spending
some time there. The Prince Souwaroff
and Prince Committini, as well as Gen
;. s.elikoff. have already arrived, and it is
stated that the Russian colony will be
very large this year. The countess oi
Caithness will also, understand, be g
certain visitor. London World.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
The American Handbag I'm Paris.

Why will American ladies. asks the
Paris Gazette, persist in carrying small
handbags whenever they go out shop.
ping or promenading in Parisp Mt only
are those satchels ugly in themselves
and practically useless, but as they are
never carried in Paris save by the fe-
males who practice the calling of mani
cure or predicure. the American lady
tourist is apt to be taken for one of those
personages. A young American lady
was taking a walk in the Champs Ely
sees with a Partisan ladyfriend sometime
ago. She met one of her newly arrived
countrywomen, satchel in hand, as usual,
and stopped to speak 10 her. Meanwhile
the ParisienHe stood aloof surveying the
pair with look of surprise. my dear,
quoth the French lady when the COLO
guy was ended and she and her friend
had resumed their Promenade, "do ladies
in society receive that sort of people in
The United States? That is being demo.
cratic indeed" Explain yourself"
responded the American. "Was not
that person with whom you were speak
ing Just uow a manicure? noticed her
little bag" She was rather amazed at
being told that the person in question
was lady of high standing iu America.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
No Wonder he Ran.

"You didn't get nothin' then?" said a
tramp to comrade who returned in a
hurry from mission to house little
back from the road.
"Nothin'.'
"Man's at home, l 'spose?"
"No; only womau."
"Why didn't you take somethin' then?
Did she set the dog on yer?"
"No, she didn't."
Pointed pistol at yer?"
"No, she threatened to throw Jail oI
soap suds over me-"
what, soap and water? l don't won
der YOU run from it." Boston Courier.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
Rules for Weather Forecasts.

l. When the temperature falls sud-
denly there is storm forming south o.
you.
2. When the temperature rises sud-
denly there is storm forming north of
you.
8. The wind always blows from a
region of fair weather to region where
a storm is forming.
4. Circus clouds always move from a
region where storm is in progress to a
region of fair weather.
5. Cdmulus clouds always move from
a region of fair weather to region where
storm is forming.
6. When circus clouds are moving
rapidly from north to northeast, there
will be rain inside of twenty-tour hours,
no matter how cold it Is.
z. When the circus clouds are moving
rapidly from south or southeast, there
will be cold rainstorm on the morrow,
if in summer, and if it be in the winter
there will be snowstorm.
s. The wind always blows in a circle
around storm, and when it blows from
the north the heaviest rain is east of you;
if it blows from the south the heaviest
rain is west of you; if it blows from the
east the heaviest rain is south of you; if
it blows from the west the heaviest rain
is north.
8. The wind never blows unless rain
or SLOW is falling within thousand
miles of you.
10. Whenever heavy white frost oc-
cus, storm is forming within 1000
miles north of YOU. Nebraska Farmer.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
"GOt a tongue like er Stcer.n

Got tongue like er steer"
Whit yer say" asked Anderson's
wife.
Say his tongue looks sorter queer"
"DOes yer think yer ken cure him,
docter?"
dat pens on how well he gifts erlong.
chile. IF he gifts well, l thinks dat ken
cure him, but cf he dies, den | thinks
dat he'll be ou.en my reach. We'se got
ter wait 'velopments in er seriors case
like His leah one. Now, I'll leab' yer
three doses o. medicine" beginning to
wrap up white powders. "Dis is number
one, dis is number two, an Ills number
three. Gin him number three fust.
We'se got ter work backwards in er case
like dis
"Wall, sab"
as yer got it DOWN."
"Yas, sah."
wall, now, doan yer make no mis-.
take. I'll be rour' in de mawnin', an
see how he's gittin' erlong."
There were several women standing
in the door-yard when the doctor called
next day, and the wsiling of grief. COM
ing from with in the house, assured the
physician that the worst had come how
ever, he did not turn away, but entered
the house.
doctor, he's dead." moaned the wo-
man.
$50 sees, madam. HAS yer got de
papers whut wuz rOun' dem powders ?'
"Yas, sab, heah ia is" reaching up
and taking them from the mantle-piece
"Lemme see 'em. Which one did yer
gin fust ?"
"Dis one, | thinks"
"Yas, an dat wuz number two. How
yer 'speck de po' man ter lib when yer
gin him de middle powder fust? Dat
would break down de constertushun o
er elein'. Heah yeI's had dat po' man
strugglin' tween de third an fust pow,
der. Doan see how he stood it so long
Wall, kahn 'speck er doctor ter do nuth
in long eL folks is so keerless. Good
day, madam. Ez yer's got so much
trouble on yer hans, won't speak 0
money matters dis mawnin'. Will be
rOun' airter de funeral" Arkansaw
Traveller.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
HUMOROUS DEFINITIONS.
More Happy illustrations than Pro-
verbs.

A smart, pithy, Dr humorous definition
often furnishes happy illustration of
the proverbial brevity which is the soul
of wit. A boy once said that dust is
mad with the juice squeezed out" A
fan, We learn from another juvenile
source, is "a thing to brush warm off
with;" and monkey, "a small boy with
TAIL" salt, what makes your potatoes
taste bad when you don't put any on
"wakefulness, eyes ali the time coming
unbuttoned;' and ice, water that stayed
out too late in the cold and went 10 sleep"
A school boy asked to define the word
sob" whimpered out, at means when
a feller don't mean to cry and it bursts
out itself" A youngster was asked 10
give his idea of "respo lsibility," so he
said: well, suppose / had only two but
tons on my trousers, and one came off,
all the responsibility would rest On the
other button
To hit off jury, as "a body of men
organized to find out which side has the
smartest lawyer" is to satirize many OF
our intelligent countrymeH The word
suspicious" is, in the opinion ofajealous
hu band. "a feeling that compels you to
find out something that you don't wish
to know" A ladv's idea OF a ballet girl
was IAN open muslin umbrella with two
pink han lles," and Parisian's of chess,
"a humane substitute for hard Labor
Thin soup, according to an Irish n.endl.
cant, is "a quart of water boiled down to
pint, TO make it strong"
OF definitions of bachelor-'an un-
altered man" singular being" and "a
target for miss" are apt enough. A
walking-stick may be described as "the
old mans strength and young mans
weakness" and an umbrella as "a fail
and foul weather friend who has had
many ups and downs in this world A
watch may he hit off as a second hand
affair" and spectacles as Second sight,
or friendly glasses" :" Fashion has been
hit oil as "an arbitrary disease which
leads all geese 20 follow in single file the
one goose that sets the style"
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
The Cheapest of Wives.

They were spiuring yarns. One old
man sat apart fiom the others and look
ed sad and forlorn, as if he never thought
of lie vity in all his life.
"My wife has been one of the cheap
est luxuries a man ever enjoyed" said
one. I'VE have been paniel eighteen
years and she has cost me less than a
thousand dollars all told"
"Poohr' said another. ~ have bee
married nine years aud my~wife's total
expenses have been .oaly $780," The
sad man drew deep sigh and said:
"Well, well! ] was married forty years
ago, boys, and from that day to this my
wife has cost me only SIG, and she has
had everything she needed, too"
"How did you get through 70 cheap"
"The pore gal died the second week
after | married her."
They spared his life because he was
sad. Through Mail.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
Recollections of Reconstruction,

There were no cases sufficiently seri-
GUS to require the attention ofa military
commission during reconstruction times
in Beaufort district. In fact, there was
no crime deserving the name. Negroes
would steal chickens. They had always
done that, and l doubt if many of them
realized that it was crime. They
looked upon a neighboring hen roost
much as the average schoolboy looks
upon a neighboring orchard. They
believed there was nothing morally
wrong in helping themselves to a neigh
boris chicken, provided the neis shbor had
plenty, and they merely took it te eat.
Most of them were ready to admit that
taking a neighbor's chicken to sell was
stealing, and they would deny the mer'
cenary intention most violently. even
after admitting the taking" Their
ideas on morality in general were very
crooked, but they were the legitimate
fruits of slavery. They might lie tc
avoid punishment and steal anything tc
eat. without staining their reputation
vet a wapton or Malicious liar, and 6
mcrcenary thief, were universally des
pised. Northern philanthropists anc
teachers never took time to study thu
negro character. They brought will
them what they considered a perfec
morality, cold and rigid as cast irol
Jacket ,.and insisted that the negro shoul;
put it on. Taking roasting ears out of
n eighbor's field, even to eat, accordin
to the school marin, was stealing; ye
Christ and his disciples did the sam
thing and nobody complained. "Wha
does dem Yankees git dat ar ligion, any
hcw?" was a cCmmon and not easil
answered question in the Freedman
camp. The State Service.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03

in so many places in my lifetime that
dent purtend 10 remember more'n a
quarter of 'em. What's the name of the
hotel in Chicago"
There amt any," said the drummer,
gloomily.
Then h. walked forward to the filter,
filled his mouth full of water, gagled
his throat, whoosed the liquid on the
floor, and hung his leg over the corner
Of the box.
"Who is that evil.eyed, pink haired
lumpy-legged, prairie-eared miclobe at
the other end of the carr" he a,ked of
the conductor who was passing through
the train"
"Do you mean the gentleman looking
out ofthe Window
"Ya-as" y
"He's a fish merchant from st. Louis"
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03

How Some Of the People I'm This Vast
World Eke Out a Subsistence.

well, We manage to live, and that's
about all, Pop" said peddler of penny
priced songs to New York Telegram
reporter. The peddler had under his
arm 200 copies of songs. A varied lot,
indt ed, they were. There were some
favorite melodies, written by an amateur
Of the genius who composed the beauti-
ful ballads that Nine. Nilsson MARBLES on
the stage, and majority were such as
please the patrons of a Bowery theatre
picture gallery or a cheap dive.
Il cleared 81 in Newark yesterday"
said the song peddler, 81 sell some Of
. songs for l cent, some for cents.
In Newark yesterday sold lots of songs
for dime each and in some places /
got quarter. sees nice young feller
with his gal proEenadin' the avenue.
Says |: Nice songs, Jerry Jones' Ode
to His Old Love, Patsy Birds Sweet
Lullaby sizes up my customers. The
girl smiles. He takes 4 couple of songs
and hands me quarter. He don't wait
for change. Oh, knows how to work
the racket"
An old man, an ex-freman and sol
dier in the Mexican war, whose long
gray beard makes him look venerable;
may be seen at midday on Nassau str Get
nearly every day in the week He car
ries basket and sells shoe backing.
The old man earns from 81 to $3.50 per
day. He is a veritable Yankee and
manages to keep over half dollar "for
stock" every day. His eaIningsgo chief
ly for rum. If he can get all the drink
he wants he is satisfied to get 15 cent
lodging. Another old man of ! atriaIchal
appearance visits residences on the east
and west sides, ingratiates himself into
the favor of the women folks and OBJ
tains an order for a window curtain, a
tablecloth or dress pattern. He was
once clerk in dry goods store OIL
Broadway; later owned one and did a
prosperous business. Rum brought him
down. Another sells combs, another
neckties. They patronize the cheap sa-
looms, eat free lunches and sleep in cheap
lodging houses. A majority of them are
poor-very poor, of'en hungry, and too
frequently drunk.
Half of our patrons are peddlers,"
said the keeper of cheap lodging house
in Bleecker street to a reporter. "They
make money, but spend it as fast as they
make it. They never prosper. l tell
you, sir, think what you please, no man
can ever prosper who stops in cheap
lodging place. / never did. l once kept
books in - & Co.'s, on Broadway, and
got my 5000 year. Now Pm clerking
in this place TO- Sc "a week-and devilish
glad to get it. / sleep in l5-cent bunk
and-well, I'm broken down now, but
grateful"
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
Pay 100 Cents on the Dollar.

What I started out TO say, my boy,
was this. If you are in debt, carry YOUR
self calmly as the great houses do. If
you owe merchant $65, don't be in TOO
big hurry to pay it. Just let him
sweat over it u little while, until you see
how much he is going to pay on his own
debts. Then you can pro-rate with him.
But, on second thought, don't want
you to do that way. You want to re-
form this great evil, do you not? Well,
the best way to bring about that reform
is to walk up and pay that $65 you owe,
Just the first minute you collar the mon
ey. Ifyou owe it to a rascal, never mind
it is just debt on your part, and don't
keep the conscience of the assignment
operator. You pay 100 cents on the
dollar every time. Then by and by as
you and your neighbors do this and
teach your children so to do, there will
arise a generation of men in America
who will pay 100 cents on the dollar, and
Canada will becomn a bowling wilder.
ness, untenanted save by the wild bear
and the wolf who will help the wilder.
ness to howl.
Bank cashiers will sleep at home and
confidential clerks will spend their vaca
tions in town. and a mans salary will
pay for everything he gets. But the only
way to bring about this preparatory
millennium, my boy. is for you to pay
that $65 when you owe it-every cent Of
it. No matter how much the other man
owes nor how little he pays. You pay
your debts, my dear boy. and 1 will
know at least one man 10 whom won'
be afraid to loan money without collat
eral security or gilt-edged paper. r.
Burdette.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
An Artist I'm Luck.

Mr.. Edolard Detaille, the well-known
French painter, who has been studying
the most characteristic types of the
Russian soldier at the recent maneuvers
at Krasnoe-Selo, found himself excep-
tionally favored by the commander in
chief. He was lodged in the palace and
every facility was given him to master
his subject. He has returned to France
with a great number of designs and
sketches to be worked up into great
battle piece hereafter. Paris Figaro.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
Seeing Him Through.

do you think his disease is incurable,
Doctor?'
"He is poor man, isn't he?"
Hasn't got dollar"
"Yes, medicine won't do him any good
now" ..
"He has rich uncle who has agreed
to pay all expen-"
Excuse me, ifyou please" interrupted
the physician, waving his hand. "Never
mind about his rich uncle. As Twas
saying when you interrupted me, don't
think medicine will do him any good,
but never give up patient till he Is
! dead.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
The Soprano Voice I'm PIoiiest.

Whatever foolish notions the novelists
may have instilled into our minds, wo.
man is not all emotion. The American
woman has her fair share of good sense
and administrative ability. and there is
reason 10 believe that might bring
into the region of governmental affairs
positive contributions of thrift, order,
integrity, and economy. Hers would be
a soprano voice in politics, the voice OF
aspiration, the voice of inspiration. 1t
was no dreamer, no mere seniimentalist,
but the profourdest poet of modern Eu-
rope. who gave us as the closing prophe-
cy of his Faust, "The woman-soul lead.
eth US upward and onl'' Judge Pitman
Boston.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
VOL. |. NO. At
THE GIRLS OF LONG AGO.

Where are the girls, the jolly girls,
The girls of long agol
The girls who knew thing or two
Beyond a fashions show:
The girls who learned to darn up socks
As well as smile and kiss,
The girls who never mentioned rocks
Something we sadly miss.
The girls whose cheeks were tinted red
BY natures blessed hue:
Those jolly girls-we loved EN- all
They've vanished now from view,
Alas! ah, me! The girls to-day
Are not the girls of old:
Sometimes they're very reticent-
More often they are bold.
The Jolly girls of long
Knew how to milk cow
Wash dishes, baste turkey,
Or make u pretty bow.
Twas their delight on Winters night
To ride behind the bells.
never had them strike me
For pound ef csramels! rr.-'
Give me.the girls, the jolly girls, .-
The girls of long ago,
Who knew nothing of boa ding schools
Nor fashions furbelow.
They didn't run TO seed, you bet,
Through cultures prescribed law,
& Nor tear the sacred veil of love
By sassing paw and NAV!
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
Warranted Not TO Run.

"Will those colOrs rum" asked a Gus.
toner of a purple aud fine linen trim.
med clerk, in Smiths gents furnishing
store, on Fourth street, as he picked up
a pretty pair OF rainbow socks.
mo, sir; they are warranted" replied
the clerk, with an affidavit-hke empha-
sis.
Are you sure?"
.'Of course sir. They are guaranteed
fast colors."
"Oh, they are, are they?" Well, how
the dickens can they be fast. if they
wont rum"
The clerk pulled show case off the
counter, tryi.Ig to- keep from falling.
Cincinnati Merchant Traveller.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
A Great Physician.

Old Doctor Pomp was called to attend
Anderson Buck, upon whom pneumonia
had spread its blighting hands. Old
Pomp, after looking at Anderson's
tongue, said:
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
If a body kiss a body,
Needs a body cry?
Well, hardly if some other body
Isn't standing by.
-Cinaipn nati March nt Tra ualla,

A Meadville girl bet fifty kisses
against Winter wrap that Blaine would
be elected. The bet was made with her
lover. She loses the wrap, he wins the
rapture. Boston Courier.
A California lady has pair of scissors
that has been used in her family for
twenty-six years. 1t scarcely necessa-
ry to add that the family has been one
of editors. Lowell Citizen.
An exchange says that folded news.
paper, placed under the coat in the
small o the back, is an excellent sub
stitute for an overcoat. Our readers
should thank fortune that the ingenious
editor still lives, in spite of the efforts of
ali envious world to starvc hiuu out.
Burlington Free Press.
When an editor of q weekly literary
paper allows himself, in an unguarded
moment, to be persuaded to 90 out with
the boys and help impart ca. mine tint
to the town, and has such an exa2gerat-
ed head next morning that he is unable
to grind out his usual three columns of
original matter, he reprints enc oil his
old articles "by request" Norristown
Herald.
Men Who bet Oh the election and lose
are not in tue habit of paying particle
more than they can help, but the girl
who bets kisscs:with her sweetheart and
loses, just closes her eyes and murmurs :
Just 20 ahead, George, and never mind
the exact number; when lose L am al
ways generous about paying. This is no
returning board anyhow" Evansville
Argus.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03

From official reports in Great Britain
it has been found that lunacy and sui
eide among children under sixteen are
evils greatly on the increase, and it is
thought that they are traceable to high
pressure education.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03

The evil men do invariably lives af-
ter them. The Inventor of the hand
organ is dead. Oil City Blizzard.
Madison times. (Tallulah, Madison Parish, La.) 1884-1???, 1885-01-03
KISSES AND EDITORS.

In breach-of-promise case at Streator
Qll.) the girl testified that kissing al
wa. began at 8 in the evening and last
ed until 3 o'clock next morning." She
evidently wore the lover out, and the
jury didn't even give her siA cents. De-
troit Free Press.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1885-05-24
DYNAMITE IN DENVER.
Is
The Salt Lake Train Has a
Narrow Escape 2
= s
FROM BEING BLOWN TO ATOMS.
No Glue to the Murderous Hounds
1t May Have Been the Strikers
miscellaneous Items.
FROM BEINGBLow'N TO ATOMS
Denver Dynamiters.

DENVER, Col, May 23.-Late tonight,
as the regular Denver Il Rio Grande
train, from Salt Lake, was approaching
the city, limits, u a terrific Lex
plosion took place directly I'M
der the engine, extinguishing the lights
and breaking the windows of the loco
motive and forward coaches, violently
wrenching loose the rails. Dynamite
or Giant powder had evidently been
placed under the sleepers of the track.
The passengers, to the number of 100.
we're severely shaken and badly fright
ened. Search failed to discover the
perpetrators. The officials OF the rail-
road assert that the Outrage I'm all prot.
ability, was thelwork of the strikers.