The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-11-06
ROUGH EXPERIENCE.

. Nice, Gentle Rowing Machine.
The other day, while temporarily in
sage. bought rowing machine. My
appetite had been diminishing for some
time and I felt in need of little vigor.
Gus exercise. At least, I thought / did.
So l invested some of my numerous
skekels in the Eureka Warranted Steel
Spring, Oak Body, Health and Happi-
ness-Producing Rowing Machine, best
in the worldr'
After paying the express charges.
which were larger than the machine
itself, I carried the thing up to my
room, trailing the name after me all the
way up. Oncs in the privacy Of my
own chamber, proceeded to unravel
the mysteries of it.
The man at the store where l bought
1t had explained everything to me SO
fully that l was sure had it down as
fine as an alderman's virtue. But alas!
for the frailty Of poor human nature.
Igot the thing together after awhile.
20 that it looked like the cut on the cir
cular which accompanied it. But theirs
were several little parts of the engine
that could not be shown on the cut and
with characteristic perversity l failed to
adjust these. However, it looked all
right, and 1 proudly called the sane
members of the household up to admire
my shape and see me paralyze the ma
chine. Twas going to show them that
there was at least one Oarsman in the
family. In fact, l had very serious
thoughts about challenging Hanlan.
Now this particular E. w. S. S. o. B.
H. & II. p. RIM. etc. was Of an aristo-
cratic temperament and seemed unwil-
ling to work unless everything was just
right. So when l grasped the oars,
looked confident and proceeded to
''muscularize, the COMPOUNDED inven-
ton vetoed the business then and there.
At the first stroke it protested. 1t did
this in very vigorous manner. 1t ele-
waited its head, reared up on its hind
legs and began to spill me around in a
manner calculated to fill mule with
envy.
Then as if not content with this re-
buke, it fell over on top of me, and we
had short struggle. the machine at
length forcing me down and sitting
square on my face, and covering my
noble brow with q bruise about as big as
q banana.
A look of pain Immediately wendell
its melancholy way across my very mel
anchOly cOuntenance, leaving its foot
marks to show future plying genera
tons the course it had taken.
Then l got mad. The idea of little
machine not able to stand on the floor
without something to hold it. having the
to use me in that familiar
manner. It was too much for my usual
good temper. and if had not been too
busy extracting the leg of the machine
from my mouth. would certainly have
made use of some very un-Sunday-
remarks. As it was, I
thought considerable. My ear was still
with the effects of a very loving
1t tingles at the touch yet,
from the same cause.
As l said before, did not swear, for
the very good reason that couldn't. l
never yet saw a man who could spit out
q decent cuss word with one corner
of an outrigger. sliding-seat rowing ma
chine jammed firmly in his face. But
my thoughts would look awful in type.
In fact 1 do not think they could be ex-
pressed in print under any considers
ton.
While the female portion of the family
was giggling and the other part roaring
outright. proceeded to arise. and after
getting myself from between the floor
and my tOrmeLtOr, succeeded in doing
80. The first thing did then was to
relieve my feelings. This did in such
an energetic manner that the atmOs-
phere in my Luxurious boudOir took on
q fine ultamarlne tint, and some H.
cifer matches lying on the gold-trimmed
marble mantle were ignited.
After administering this much-needed
relief to my outraged feelings, l pro-
ceeded to arrange things. My dander
was up so high that it got tangled in my
cOal-biack locks, and / was
resolved to ride that many-named fiend
IF a machine or die. l shudder now to
.hink of The odds that we're in favor of
my dying.
After little investigation found the
cause of my misfortune to be a small.
eyebclt with which 1
did not fasten the machine to the flor.
The bolt feeling sighted. no doubt, had
AIKEN revenge by allowing the machine
% act in the outrageous manner in
which it did.
However, after properly adjusting the
,yebOlt and making sure, as thought,
hat everything was all right, again
ook nv seat with just-see-hOw-easy-
tbs look on my classic features. For
he second time grappled with the oars
md swung grandly and majestically
ntO motion. For the first two or three
strokes everything went along as
as fat man on banana peel.
Then something seemed to give way.
The machine had evidently woken up
% business after the quiet little nap It
lad taken on my shirt-bosom, and had
'ettled right down to retaliation of the
act that it had q mission in this life to
,erform-and meant to perform it. do
lot know exactly how it happened. but
when loving hands had picked me out
# the plate-glass mirror and tied
tring around me to keep the pieces to-
.ether, had faint idea that my ma
'hine had challenged adyramite factory
o play baseball, and that was umpire
q the game that followed.
My ambition to become great oars
nan evaporated right there. Mean
While the machine stands. or rather lies.
ust where it landed after the little toot,
lobody in the house having the courage
0 approach it. If any of the Suns
eaders wants to buy nice. gentle,
young rowing machine,