Connecticut western news., 1885-05-13
WIT AND WISDOM.

grape shot.
 THE mouse a woman never fears-a mous-tache.-St. Paul Herald.
 "THERE is always room at the top" probably originated with the late hotel guest.
 IT is hard to tell which can make the most noise-a band with dozen horns or man with dozen horns.
 "PA, what's a schnitt of beer ?" 'Tt's what a man drinks when he wishes he didn't have anything to drink, my son. |" Do NOT say "It does not pay to begin what we will probably never finish" The beginning may be the part assigned to you.
 MANY people take no care of their money till they have come nearly to the end of it, and others do the same with their time.
 THERE l. some help for all the defects of fortune, for if man cannot attain to the length of his wishes, he may have his remedy by cutting of them shorter.
 IvAs know some gal, init hair of gold, Her beaudy vonoe I dond relate;
 Yoost dirty-eght und never rolled A Schotishe on der rollofer shkadc.
 -PretSel's Weekly
 AWAY back somewhere in the remote past the heel of a woman's shoe was bigger than nickel, and was not placed in the hollow of the foot. -Chicago Ledger.
 FIRST plumber-"Whew, this is hot But, say, winter did everlastingly hang on." Second plumber-"Yes; must have been working by the day. Pittsburgh Chronicle.
 DERE am many men in dis worr dat put in de fus' half ob deir existence a tryin' to tas' all de sweets ob life, an de secon' half tryin' to git de tas' outen deir moufs.
 "How TO breathe" is caption in an exchange. The best way is through the nose and mouth. Those writers who teach breathing through the ears and eyes cannot be too strongly condemned. q AM leading the life of gentleman now" An adyenturer said whom wanted to floor; ''Then at last a new joy you've discovered, l | VOW,
 Since you never have led that existence be- fore"
 A CLERGYMAN who preached for a friend surprised his audience and him. self by reading at the end of one of the usual notices: q insist on your dining at my house, no matter who invites you"
 ELLA WHEELER WILCOX recently wrote poem on Malaria" and few weeks later came down with an attack of fever and ague. This may not be re- tributiye justice, but 1t looks very mucE like it.
 AN exchange hints that Gen. Grants physicians doa't understand their busi. ness. They don't, eh? You just wait until they send in their bills. and you will discover your error.-Norristo,0n Herald.
 "YoU say he called you donkey P "Yes." "Whst did you do about it ?' "Nothing." "Well, if man called me a donkey I'd kick him with both feet. ' Certainly, any donkey would naturally do that"
 "A MAN in Ohio borrowed gun, say. ing he wanted to shoot birds. He went out into the woods, put the muzzle oi the weapon to his head and blew ouI his brains." He didn't tell Q falsehood; he shot a goose,
 HELP is a quick seed and of rapid growth, and bourgeons in a moment into the infinite @ons. Everything ir the world is but temporary; why should temporary help be undervalued Tho only question is-does it help2
 AMANDA insists that this talk about girls tight lacing is all bosh. She says if any young man comes sparkling her and cannot use his arms to such ad vantage as to make her corsets so slacl that they will rattle, he is of no account and will never get second invitation tC call.
 IT is said that in Chicago corset manu factory, when q work-girl breaks nee dle or wha,ebone costing less than half cent, the proprietor charges her five cents, and for breaking two-cent bob bin ten cents. It it suspected that I she were to break her neck he woult charge her not less than seventeen dol lars and half. .--Drakc'S Mdgasiac.
 A PHYSICIAN says 0 healthy man heart should beat seventy-eight times minute, but we don't care how robust man may be, when he dreams that he being closely pursued by a cloyen footed imp, armed with red-hot pitch fork twenty-four feet long, he awake suddenly and finds that his heart is mak ing about six hundred revolutions minute.
 |