davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
CHIT-CHAT.

Never. conclude that your bright :
eyed darling is an ethereal creature
who lives upon the sunshine of vour
manly love until the cook has bee,
asked as to the pile of pancakes which
the angel can get away with when
she is breakfasting alone.
A certain distinguished Cincinnati
Ian says the proper way to kiss a girl
IS to plant it in the middle of her
hand and shut her fingers down on it
Tor safekeeping. It may not be as
sweet as the real yum-yum variety.
eut 1t certainly takes the palm over
all the ordinary plans.
Things one would rather have left
unsald: Miss Constance-I'm so eIae
you think I've improved in INV nIav-
ing of that nocturne of YOURS. Herr
Bemolsk! [ hope to be perfect in il
next time we meet Herr B. Gallant
ly)-Achl Miss Gonschdancei I hone
We shall meet before zatl
A California girl has been discover
cd with two mouths, ore IN each
cheek. This kind will do very well in
the Harvest where girls are scarce
and 1t is convenient to those who can
KISS two fellows at once. but thew
never would be popular in The east.
"here there are not enough fellows to
60 around.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
People We Talk About.

Minister Cox qualified at the state
department Tuesday, aud will sail for
Turkey June IL.
Mr.. Pulsifer, of the Boston Herald,
and Mr.. Dana, of the New York Sun,
are active followers of Swedenborg.
Ex-Commissioner of Agriculture
Loring has great confidence In Wash
lngtOn real estate. He is investing
largely
Lord Lytton keeps out of party
politics, is writing little more poetry,
and would not object to diplomat
ic mission.
John r. Mclean, of the Cincinnati
Enquirer, has taken cottage at Long
Branch, the summering place of many
politicians.
Lieut. Greely has barely strength
to complete his book on the arctic re
gions, and will never be fit for active
army service again.
Upon his arrival in Chicago Tues
day, Gen. Logan will be escorted from
the depot by the Union Veteran club
while salute of 103 guns is fred.
Misses Manning, Endicott, Lamar,
Garland and two younger daughters
of Secretary Bayard are not yet in
society, but will be debutantes next
winter.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04

perspiration seemed to start out of
every pore. w hat? Do you mean
that lady
"'Was an old hand, undoubtedly.
sir. Why, she brazoned it ont till
the end. Talked about writing to the
Times, and her husband being an
American of position, and all the rest
of it, But Lor' bless you, sir. we
knows 'em. | just turned her over to
one of our ladies, and she found the
lace wrapped round her body, just the
same as a couple we nabbed here a
fortnight ago.
"'And the LADY, found strength
at last to stammer.
oh, she's safe enough in the Jail
by this time, reckon. The magis-
trate is sitting now, and my men Just
took her right over, and no doubt she
will have been committed at once y
The rest of Robinson's story was a
little unintelligible, but I gathered
from it that it took him a weeks hard
work and all the influence he could
command in London to rescue Mrs.
Robinson from the consequences of
her folly and his stupid practical Joke.
And I could easily understand, after
hearing the tale, my friends anxiety
to have as little to do with customs
officials as might be; and still better
could I appreciate Mrs Robinson's
ominous silence whenever the sub
ject was mentioned, while the way IN
which she would purse up her ips on
such occasions made me think that if
she had had enough of smuggling,
her husband had probably come to
the same conclusion in respect to
practical jokes And I thought, too,
that on the whole I would rather be
a week in Jail myself than be the
means, however innocent of causing
Mrs. Robinson to undergo the exper-
ience; at least if l had to live with
her for any length of time afterward.
And yet when I got home and told
my wife the story her syupathies
were all with the lady, and she would
not admit the justice of my "served
her right"
And now she is looking over my
shoulder and insists upon my express
ing my opinion that she would not
have behaved like that, anyhow. And
I do not really believe she would.
Adding however, like true wom-
an, "But I think he was brute, all
the same"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
Grace at the Restaurant-TabIe.
Syracuse Standard.

A clerk and his country father en-
tered the restaurant on Saturday
evening and took seats at table
where sat telegraph operator and a
reporter. The old man bowed his
bead and was about to say grace when
a waiter few up, singing: 81 have
beefsteak, codfshballs, and bull
heads" Father and son gave their
orders and the former again bowed
his head. The young man turned the
color of blood-red beef, and touching
his arm. exclaimed in a low, nervous
tone: "Father it isn't customary to
do that in restaurants ''Its custo~
mary with me to return thanks to
God wherever [ am" said the old
man. For the third time he bowed
his head, and, the son bowed his
head, a d the telegraph operator
paused in the act Of carving his beef
steak and bowed his head, and the
journalist put back his fshballs and
bowed his head, and there wasn't a
man who heard the short and simple
prayer that didn't feel a profounde1
respect for the old farmer than if he
had been the President of sae United
States.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
Odds and Ends of Brightness.

Rum punch-a drunken brawi.
The cocktail is the toper's morning
glory.
1t is a Islander 70 say that a Chicago
girl is all sole.
A Chicago girl tried to disguise her
self as a boy, but her feet gave her
away.
A poet pr opounds the connundrum,
"What is warmer than a woman's
l0ve?" A woman's hate.
Brother Blaine is what may be call
ed Epast Millerite." He assembled"
last November.
Thirteen is an unluclzy number. No
one realizes the fact more intensely
than the Chicago girl.
President Cleveland has drawn his
first months salary, So, 888. ST., and no
wife to meet Saturday nights.
If Bartholdi had only modelled his
Goddess Of Liberty after a Chicago
girl she wouldn't have needed any
pedestal.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
4 Little Deal in Cranberries.
Chicago Herald.

Chicagoans will indulge in specu>
lation. A few days ago peculiar
deal was made in KohIseat's lunch>
room, near the board of trade. Two
operators, who knew each other by
sight only, happened to sit side by
side. After finishing a plate of corn
cakes each called for cranberry pie.
That's pretty good" said one to the
waiter, upon finishing it; give me
another piece" make it two" said
the other. The two operators eyed
each other. Not word was spoken,
but there was no misunderstanding.
No. 1 pulled out a $40 greenback and
placed it on the counter between their
plates. No. 2 covered it with $40
silver certificate. Another piece OF
that pie, waiter'' sang cut No. 1.
make it two," echoed his rival. In
another minute the ast0nished waiter
put up two more pieces of the red
pastry.
A minute and half elapsed and No.
1 showed his plate over and called out
Fill her up again" 'EMake it two!''
came the echo. In two minutes this
was repeated. The waiter neglected
his other customers and stood wonder
ingly before the pie>eaters. In about
two minutes and a half No. 1. breath
ing hard aud speaking with difficulty,
groaned out: My check, waiter. .
Another piece of that pie, sang out
No. 2 cheerily. No. I walked away.
No. took one mouthful of his seventh
piece, picked up his check and the
two $50 bills, flung the waiter a silver
dollar, and made his exit.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
A Good Plain Wash.
Brooklyn Magazine.

An amusing anecdote is told by
an old inhabitant of Undertook, of
Thomas Il. Benton when the guest of
MIR. Van Buren, at one of those famous
dinner parties for which Linden
valid" was noted in its palrny days.
After the dessert had been served.
finger bowls were brought in and
were viewed with some suspicion on
the part of one or tive of the guests.
When Dinner was over MIR. Benton
said to his friend II observed Mr..
Van Buren, immerse the tips of his
fingers in one of those little glass
bowls and wipe them daintiIy on his
napkin, but l just rolled back my
sleeves and took good, plain, repub-
Gcan wash"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
a MAY DAY SONG.

A little while my love and /,
Before the moving of the hay,
Twined daisy wreaths and cowslip pals,
And caroled glees and madrigals,
Before the hay, beneath the May,
My love (who loved me them and l.
For long years now my love and |,
Tread severed paths to varied ends;
We sometimes meet and sometimes say
The trivial things of every day,
And meet as comrades, meet as friends,
My love (Yhe loved me once) and /.
But nevermore my love and l,
Will wander forth, as once together.
Or sing the songs we used to sing
In springtime, in the cloudless weather;
Some cord is mute that used to ring,
Some word forgot we used to say
Among the May, before the hay.
by love (who loves me not and I.
London World.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
Persian Baths.
heran Letter from Minister Beoniamin.

Teheran Letter from Minister Beonjamin.
There are two remarkable restric
tons in every Persian city. No
Christian is ever allowed to enter one
of the public baths. These baths are
on the plan of what are called Turkish
baths in America. The women battle
in the morning and the men in the
afternoon. After the bath the bathers
lounge in an outer room and gossip
and smoke. For the women, espec~
tally, the weekly visit to the bath is
like resorting to woman's club.
They take their sewing and embroid-
cry, and after the bath sit for hours
chatting, sewing and smoking the
water-pipe. When the woman
returns home from the bath she is
full of the gossip of the neighborhood,
and has plenty to talk about for
week to come. In Turkey all sects
can visit the bath, but the Persians
allow no one to battle with them but
the faithful followers of the Prophet.
The new gas bill-the one that is
presented the first of the month.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
Almost an Even Exchange.
Toronto Globe.
At a recent dinner party N Lon

At a recent dinner party II London
a discussion arose concernin g
the exchange of genius be-
tween England and the United States.
For every actor, singer, lecturer or
person of note sent across the Atlantic
by England, the United States made
a return There was Booth for Irving,
Mary Anderson for Ellen Terry,
Patti for Nilsson, as Patti really beA
longed tc the United States first; Joe
Jefferson for Sothern, and so on. At
length Alma Tadema, who was one of
the guests, said: ENGLAND Is one
ahead of the United States. We sent
Oscar Wilde over there, but she had
no fool to send back"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04
4 Strange Scotch Proceeding.
Glasgow Herald.

In Kilsyth, Stlrlingshire, widow
had died, who, q few days before her
death, was known to be in possession
of Esq, and when no trace of the
money could be discovered IN her cot
tage, her eager relatives concluded
that it had been buried with her, and
accordingly last Tuesday night they
proceeded to the churchyard, dug up
the coffin, opened 1t and took out the
body, whereupon a woman, who was
waiting to superintend the CHASTITY
search, took off the clothes from the
corpse and carefully examined them,
but the money was not found.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04

The population of Russia is About
e3, 900, 900; the revenue in 1882 was
1923, $50, 565; the debt, S., 354, 612, esq;
the army, 974, III men; the navy 389
men .of-war with SCI guns.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04

The new gas bill-the one that is
presented the first of the month.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-06-04

The stovepipe joke doesn't seem to
suit. this season.
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18

picked scales. Economic laws apply 10
counties as well as states, to individ-
uals a. well a. counties, becoming
simplified in proportion as diversity of
interests reduces; so none need despair
of understanding them reasonably well.
A man Is statesman Just in proper.
ton a. he understands the nature
rights, and needs Of society.
Balance of trade in her favor has ex
tended the boundary Of that little Brit
ish Isle till now the sun never sets on
her vast domain. The value of her ex :
ports, exceeds that of her imports, or
she seeks commerce elsewhere.
IL WAS not the dreaded trichinae in
the American hog that was running the
eorpulent stomach OF that great gem
ius, Bismarck, which was made a
shrewd pretext for excluding our pigs
from German ports, but it was sort Of
muscular parasite preying upon his
balance Oftrade that alarmed his polit-
ical digestion, for which he soon found
a remarkable remedy.
I'm for Ten Penny" teeth and toe
nails, and will guarantee, that il the
farmers will adopt his plain, practical
aud common-sense plans, this county
VIII he immensely rich In twenty years,
with Mscadamized roads, painted
school houses, steepled churches, etc.
Preach the doctrine to the dear ma
tives, It. p. with the consciousness that
YOU are right and that efforts in that
direction will redound to your cOunty's
good. SUGGs.
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18

with that irresistible ardor which i'm
battle decides the day. With a mighty
shout the line moved forward at a
charge. A sheet of flame and mighty
roar burst from the Federal stronghold
The Confederate line withered; but
there was not an instant's pause. The
crest was gained. The enemy We're in
flight
General Johnston had passed
through the ordeal seemingly unhurt.
His horse was shot in four places; his
clothes were pierced by missiles; his
boot sole was cut and torn by a mInie;
but if he himself had received any Sc
verer would, he did not know it. AT this
moment Governor Harris rode up from
the right. After few words, General
Johnston sent him with an order to
Colonel Stratham, which having
delivered, he speedily returned. In
the mean time, knots and groups of
Federal soldiers kept up desultory fire
and their last lines, now yielding,
delivered volley and volley as they sui
lenly retired. BY the chance of war, a
minie-ball from one of these did its fatal
work. AS he sat there, after his wound,
Captain Wickham says that Colonel
O'Hara, of his staff, rode up, and Gen.
Johnston said to him, We must go to
the left, where the firing is heaviest, ,
and then gave him an order, which
OHara rode of to obey. Governor
Harris returned. and finding him very
pale, asked him, General, are you
wounded" He answered, in "A very de-
liberate and emphatic tone: "Yes. and
! fear, seriously These were his last
words. Harris and Wickham led his
horse back under cover of the hill, and
lifted him from it. They searched at
random for the wound, which had cut
an artery i'm his leg, the blood flowing
into his boot. When his brother in-law,
Preston, lifted his head, and addressed
MIN with passionate GRIEF, ne smiled
family, but uttered no word. His lite
rapidly ebbed away, and in few mo-
ments he was dead.
"His wound was not necessarily fa-
tai. General JOhnston's own knowl.
edge of military surgery was adequate
for its control by an extemporized
tourniquet. had he been aware or re-
gardful of its nature. DIR. ID. w. YAM
dell, his surgeon, had attended his per-
son during most of the morning;but find
ing large number of wounded men,
including many Federals, at one point,
General Johnston ordered Yandell to
stop there, establish hospital, and
give them his services. He said to
fandell: These men were our enemies
a moment ago; they are our prisoners
now. Take care of Them landell
demonstrated against leaving, but he
was reremptory. Had Yandell re-
mained with him; he would have had
little difficulty with the wound.
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18
The Campaign in the
S0udan.
General Lord Woseiey.

WHO HAS THE CHIEF COMMAND OF
THE BRITISH FORCES.
The interesting military operations
now progressing IN the Soudan, and 81
far prosperous to British arms, add adj
ditional lustre to the soldiership Of Gen
eral Lord Wolseley, who planned the
campaign being successfully pursued
under his superintendence. On the 26th
of August, 4 Ss4, Wolseley was given the
chief command in Egypt. He arrived
in that country about September 9th,
1854, and Immediately assumed COM
mand OF all operations concerning the
Soudan expedition, the primary object
of which is to bring away General
Gordon from Khartoum. When that
end has been accomplished, 80 far as is
yet known, no further offensive opera
tions of any kind will be undertaken;
and when road has been opened for
General GOrdon's retreat, the march
southwark is to be suspended and the
campaign brought to a close. The in
nearest of Gordon's friends were two
hundred miles distant from Khartoum,
IN which city he was seriously threaten
ed. As the result ultofoperationsd directed by
General Lord Wolseley, Khartoum is
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18
SELF-CONTROL.
By X. Campbell.

First the creative and all-powerful God
Formed the rude substance of the trodden
clod:
He next, according To his wondrous plan
Marked OFF and formed his nohlest work,
man;
And To the mass remolded and refined
Added a glorious and immortal mind.
Then TO protect and guard and guide the
whole
Bestowed the mighty power of self-control.
And this as some revere and some despise,
Forms the distinction twiNt the fool and
wise.
The wise by its direction safely goes.
The fool no counsel heeds. no safety knows.
Into temptations one will blindly fall
The other sees and wisely shuns them all.
See the pooI genius in misfortune mired,
What IL such genius hut a goat inspired?
His mind with gauzy things of fancy fraught
Has not the strength To bear one solid thought.
From his life's duties which he calls its woes
He weakly shrinks ana straight 10 ruin goes:
Then from the depth Of desolaiion moans
To this worlds ears and finds them only
stones.
Behold the tipSy genius o'er his glass,
Who would not more respect a sober ass?
lie gives you drunken lectures. drunken
lays,
Perhaps he breaches or perhaps he prays:
When You by sudden death could see him
called
And In his place the braying beast installed.
Whatever weakness may assault your soul
lmplore the present help of self-control.
And ~ t-mpfatfon ~irotla l.,, any chance
Weaken the armor of your temperance,
Here your ally puts forth lis fiercest fight,
Its power here shines specifically bright:
For II one hour the universal soul
OF human kind yielded to self-coniroI
In that one hour were none to bend the knee
At the base shrine of runs idolatry
May heaven in kindness send that happy
day.
Then will the sun dispense a brighter ray,
The stars with holier splendor gild the skies
And look unenvious down on starrier eyes
That long looked up but seemed to look in
vain
The eyes of women freed from grief and pain
And IL that happy time shall ever come
'ris then will be the great millennium.
'ris self-control that makes the noble man.
'Tis self-control completes the noble plan,
Forms vast designs and bears them grandIy
through
And works stupendous miracles below.
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18
Ten Penny" Endorsed.
RoCKPORT, KY, Feb. 10. 1885.

RoCKPORT, KY, Feb. 10. 1885.
EtlOr Herald.
With becoming mOdesty "Ten Pen
ny" subscribes himself only ten, but
he has struck am Industrial Keynote
with the intelligence and logic of a
very large spike. He seems TO fully
realize that all reforms must be futile
so long as we deal with mere effect,
overlooking the cause. How true, that
not one pound OF corn, hay, pork, hJur,
field seed,or any other article that can
be produced at home at the same cost,
ought ever to be shipped into the coun-
ty; not one dollar should even he sent
out, so long as that dollar can on bust
ness principles be kept at home. Show
me nation, state, county or neighbor-
hood, where the balance Oftrade is
flowing in instead of OUT, and I'll show
you a people on the h; gh road to wealth
and atfiuence, with, as ''ren Penny"
says, good roads, schools, ETC., as mat
ter ofcOurse.
8 When the treaties of West. halia,
Utrecht and Paris had given shape and
permanence to the laws of "Balance of
of Power among nations. Balance of
Trade" began to occupy the attention
of European Statesmen. States and
nations are but counties, indeed | may
say neighbOrs, ON larger and more com
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18
ALBERT SIDNEY JOHNSTON.
How the Confederate Leader Met his
Death at Shiloh.

From the paper by Colonel William
Preston Johnston on his father and
the Shiloh campaign,in the Century, we
quote the following: General Jc hnston
was with Stratham's brigade confront
ing Hurlbut's, which was behind the
crest of hill, with depression filed
with chapairal in its front. The Con-
iederates held the parable ridge in easy
musket iange; and 'as heavy fire as l
ever saw during the war; said Govern
or Harris, was kept up on both sides for
an hour or more. 1t was necessary to
cross the valley raked by this deadly
ambuscade and assail the opposite
ridge in order to drive the enemy from
his stronghold. When General johns
ston came up and saw the situation, he
said to his staff: They are offering Stub
born resistance here. | shall have to
put the bayOnet to them 1t was the
crisis of the conflict. The Federal key
was in his front. Ii his assault were
successful, their left would be complete
ly turned, and the victory won. He de-
sermined to change. He sent Govern
or Harris, of his staff, to lead Ten
nessee regiment; and after IA brief
conference with Breckenridge, whom
he loved and admired, that officer, fol-
lowed by his staff, appealed to the SOL
diers. AS he encouraged them with
his fine voice and manly bearing, Gen
eral Johnston rode out in front and
slowly down the line. His hat Was
of. His sword rested In its scabbard.
In his right band he held little tin
cup,the memorial Ofan incident that
had occurred earlier in the day. Passing
through a captured camp he had taken
this toy, saying. Let this be my share
of the spoils to-day 1t was this play
thing which, holding it between
two fingers, he employed more effee-
lively in his natural and simple gesti-
culation than most men could have
used Il sword. His presence was full of
inspiration. He sat his thorough bred
bay, Fire eater with easy command.
His voice was persuasive, encouraging
and compelling. His words were few;
he said: Men. they are stubborn; we
must Use the bayonet' When he
reached the center of the line he turn
ed. Il will lead your he cried, and
moved toward heenemy. The line
was already thrilling and trembling
The Hartford herald., 1885-02-18
Texas Letter.

Texas is made up of sharp contrasts
and great extremes brought into the
closest proximity. The country is
either the grandest or meanest, the
highest or the lowest, the richest or the
poorest, the prettiest or the ugliest, the
dryest or the wettest, the hottest or the
coldest and the contrasts are found side
by side. To day it is so wet and mud
dy that you can not go, tomorrow il il
so dry and windy you do not want to
GO; to-day il is 20 cold that you cannot
travel, tO>morrow il is so hot you are
unwilling to make the attempt. vet the
average Texan takes both alike. One
thing however you can not do in Texas,
that is make track; one day it is SO
muddy you take all your tracks as you
go, the next it Is so hard you fail to
make an impression.
The cropping presents the same ex-
tremes, for when full crop is made
any given year, il takes about thirteen
or fourteen months to make and save
it; hence you will often see farmers
plowing under nice white cotton in
order to plant another crop. so you