The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-10-16
JOSH BILLINGS.


Bits Of Humorous Wisdom Concoctsd for
His San Francisco Lecture.
/ don't propose to speak of the lost
arts. nor of the rise and fall Of the Ro-
man Empire, nor Of the probable pur-
chase Of Great Britain by Blaine. nor Of
the Chinese question, nor why the eight
spot always takes the seven. The Amer
leans are a curious people. They pre-
fer turpentine to sweet oil If they are
obliged to take either. II you have to
tickle or convince an American you have
to do it quick. Cunning men are like
handsaws. they have teeth only on one
side. Coquettes make poorer wives
than prudes do, but there are better
women than either of them. There is no
sure cure for laziness, but have known
second wife to hurry it some. If l had
seventy-five children I'd learn sixty of
'em to shut door, and wouldn't care
what the other fifteen did. The strong
est emotion the crab has ID to bite. They
are billed in pot, about two bushels of
'em. until they stop biting, and then
they are thought to be done. They bite
with their feet and hang on like coun-
try cousin. The mosquito has learned
to bite. They bite with their nose. We
have been taught that nothing was
made in vain, but think that if ever
there was time wasted it was in making
mosquitoes. They were born of poor
but industrious parents, but they have
the best blood of the coutry in their
veins. 1t is easy to kill . mosquisto if
you hit him on the right spot. They
are very courageous insect. I've
known mosquito to fight a man and
his wife all night and then draw the first
blood. Flies. morally considered. are
like good many other people. They
won't light on a good. healthy spot if
they can find q raw one.
Human happiness is like = wandering
flea. When you put your finger on him
he don't seem to be there, and when
you follow him to where he really is he
don't seem to be there also. The
best way to be happy is not to want
anything until you get it. Pudding and
milk are good to be happy on, but too
mr.: pudding and milk will worry one.
A miser in the midst of his wealth is
like a fly that hiss fallen into a quart of
molasses. A man who can wear a pa-
per collar for a week and keep it clean
isn't of much account. There is more
vanity in handsome man than in .
peck of peacock feathers. Ihave known
men so pious that when they went out
fishing on Sunday they prayed for
good luck. The time to be carefulest is
when you have handful Of trumps. A
busy body is like an old cheese-full of
little things. We have been told that
an honest man is the noblest work of
God. The demand for the work has
been 50 great that Ihave thought that
large portion of the original must still be
il the hands of the Creator. When l
was boy always considered whist
ling to be the next best thing to tai
low-candle to 60 down into dark cell
lar with.
Neatness is . virtue. but sometimes it
is carried too far. have seen q neat
matron chase lone fly from off q wall
before it had chance to take breath.
Patience is not more Of virtue than
cold feet. Napoleon is said to have
been a patient man, but he never taught
district school at seven dollars a month.
I've seen boys brought up like lap-dog
and strike into the bad path as soon as
they could find it. Then. again, I've
seen 'em picked up in the gutter. and
they washed out like diamonds. There's
no certain rule that works well about
boys. Love is like tho measles. We
can't have it bad but once, and the later
we have it in life the worse it is. When
man gets to going down hill it seems
as though everything was CREASED for
the occasion. A mouse nibbliDg in the
night knocks the death out of silence.
They can live anywhere except in
church. They fat very slow in a church.
This shows that mouse can not live
any more on religion than a minister
can. Poodles are good for fleas. If 1
was called to mourn over dead mule
I'd do my mourning in front of him. p
San Francisco Examiner.