The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1885-02-07
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

HUMOROUS ITEMS.
A DAINTY tea gown is of creamy satin,
enveloped in clouds of Vaienciennes
lace. The effect is ethereal.
As in nine cases out of ten the gambler
loses to-day what he won yesterday, it
strikes us it would be pretty good
scheme to play only every other day.
Il Chicago Sun.
THE funniest case of plagiarism for the
year 1884 is that of a Texas county
| judge who delivered farewell address
taken bodily from that of the father OF
| his country.
WHEN would iron do TO make sausages
of? When it is pig-iron. Why does
duck go under water? For diverse
| (divers) reasons. When is leather like
rust? When it is an ox-hide (oxide.)
"PAPA," said minister's little boy on
the way home from church on Sunday,
was that true story you told III the
sermon this morning or was 1t only
preaching?"
THE head poet of the Merchant Tray
eler writes: "As we look through the
lists of the dead of the year. We notice
without surprise, The names of a great
many business men, Who refused to ad-
yrrtlse."
A WOMAN who had heard great deal
about preserving autumn leaves, put up
few jars of them, but after due trial,
she told neighbor that "she didn't
think that they would ever be fit to eat,
and that she might just as well have
thrown her sugar away"
SCENE-A concert for the people.
Distinguished amateur about to make
his first appearance In public: "Oh, l
do feel so nervousl" Sympathetic
friend: @Oh, there's no occasion to be
nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud
anything = London Punch.
TELEPHONES have been placed in the
halls of the Idaho legislature. 1t saves
the necessity of sending out the ser
geant-at- arms to bring in the absent
members. They can now play poker in
the committee rooms till the very mo-
ment of calling the yeas and nays.
A DISTINGUISHED statesman, recently
on his travels, advised young married
couple never to get mad at the same
time" But he did not kiss the bride
when invited to do so. His better half
was along and might have got mad
alone Augusta (Ga) Chronicle.
"SIR, can you give poor man a
quarter?" "Why are you asking aims,
my man?" Il have just come from
Spain, sir; am an earthquake sufferer"
But you are not Spanlard; you speak
good Euglish." 90, as Ia that, speak
Spanish, but since the earthquakes my
Spanish is so broken that | am ashamed
to converse in it, Louisville Courier
Journal.
A NEWSPAPER man, who writes the
obituary notices and financial articles,
went into a restaurant the other day
while suffering from severe cold.
Herei you have made a mistake?
The waiter looked perplexed. "You have
put the carte before the hoarse," ex-
planned the newspaper man, aud the
waiter Immediately struck for higher
wages. And no wonder : Norristown
| Herald.
OSCAR WILDE said the other day, in
his lecture at Glasgow, that nothing dis
| tressed him more than to see In para
graph that such and such color was
| going to be fashionable next season,
and he held that it would not be more
ridiculous to read in a musical magazine
| that "B fat" was going to be fashion,
able note. l certainly think, says La
| bouchere, that if "B fiat" cannot pos
sibly make itself fashionable, "A flat"
can, and very often does.
DIAMOND cut diamond.-A Western
railroad restauranter had the enterance
TO his dining-room over a scale platform,
and marked down the weight of each
customer on going In and coming out.
His charges corresponded to the in
creased weight. A gormandiziDg drum
mer who had been made to pay 81 to
$5 several times, finally filed his pock-
cts with Jumps of cast iron and stones,
which he quietly deposited under the
table, and collected S12 for the minus
difference in his weight on coming out.
Fact, stranger
JONES entered his Office and sat down
at his desk in a very pronounced and
emphatic manner. What is the mat
ter?" inquired his partner. Some
thing gone wrong?" Wrong" repeated
the exasperated man. Il walked the
floor with crying baby from midnight
until o'clock this morning, and as l
left the house the first person met was
Smith, who said, with an idiotic smirk:
'Ahl old man, you look rather tough.
Out with the boys again last nigbtp
Some men make me sick"
AN old, country squire, who never
looked at newspapers, came up all the
way from Cornwall recently to attend
the sexcentenary of his college at Ok
ford. AS he entered the college gates
he was politely presented with bill
for goods that had been supplied to him
as an undergraduate forty-five years
previously. He turned on the dun with
Indignation, lot altogether speechless.
God bless you, sir| he roared- Lord
love your heart do you think come
up here once in every six hundred years
to be dunned2"