The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-01-02
VARIETIES.

There is a female band IN Baltimore.
The proper band for female to belong 10 Is
n husband. She can usually play him, for all
he is worth.
-"Why don't you have hot water back
to your range ?" "Oh, there is no necessary
for that Because my family keep me in not
water all the time"
-Parson Talmadge complains that the
number of marriages in this country is ridicu-
louslv small when compared with the time
souandered in buggy riding.
After all, there is vast deal OF common
sense in the remark of the deserter when d., ne
said nd rather be coward all my lie
than be a corpse fifteen minutes"
Boarding keeper-"Why, how deft-
" YOU carve the beef, Mr.. Smith. You must
be an adept" "Smith with grunt OF eXer-
tion)-"Yes'm, am; I'm wood carver by
| trade ...
--"Sometmes get discouraged" sighed
| Parson Jones for aught can sec, men arc
bad as ever. However" he continued, III
they should al eecume perfect, AdJI iFifoSS
what should do for living"
-Jtnles was playing billiards. 81 declare"
he said, addressing Timmins, who was look
ing on, 1.-THE more play the worse play"
you've played great deal, haven't you ?"
asked Timmins quietly. Jones treated
"A Chicago version of the cherry tree
| story: Once, when George was small boy,
his father approached him with a strap and
inquired who it was that chopped down the
cherry tree. Father" quoth George, with
| out a tremor, 81 cannot tell lie; it was the
other boyr"
Are you going to Miss Fussanfeather S
party?" asked young lady of friend as
thew ha ra
| sponse. And why not, pray? 1t is to be
| very swell" "9es | know but haven't any
thing to wear" ooh, you don't need any
thing much, it's to be full dress, you know"
-"Experience may be dear teacher" re-
marked clergyman as the contribution box
was returned to him empty, "but the men,
bers OF this flock who have experienced reli-
| gion have accomplished it at Il very trifling
cost. The choir will sing theseventy-
| hymn, emitting the first, third and fourth
| verses in order to save unnecessary wear
on the organ
-"Well, father, l must confess l don't
know what to do with your daughter; she's
hard to live with-dle, selfish, expensive"
Quite like her mother, my boy. But mind
| you, if she does not get over it all, and you
| find il necessary 10 come to me again-if,
say" yes, as you were saying, if"
W'l, III sne uOtS, PROMISE 10 ulslnueTll
| herw After that the fellow spoke of her in
tones of continual respect.
"A native chief in FIJI presented himself
| for baptism. How many wives have you ?"
said the missionary. Seven" said the chief
"Oh, that won't do can't baptize you till you
| have got rid OF six of them" A month later
the chief came again, saying: Me all right
now you baptize me now. Only one wife
now" what have you done with the 9TH
?" said the missionary "Oh," said the
cannibal, ines eaten cherry one of 'em."
Howard Paul tells good story of an
| lrishman who il, moment of penitence, ac-
copied the blue ribbon. Looking for bever-
age which, while not intoxicating would
take hould and bite" he came across bot
| tie of Worcestershire sauce. Pouring out
| third of tumbler of the pungent stuff and
| filling up with lemonade, he swallowed the
mixture at a gulp. After several gasps he
| exclaimed: "Begorrah, sor, and that bates
all the whisky l ever dhrunk in my life"