The McCook tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 1886-1936, 1885-07-30
FACT AND FANCY.

oiO licSuIy aio
One of the most wonderful facts of
the present age is the way actors con-
tinue to remain young American
tragedians" until they are past 80.
1t is said that Jay Gould dislikes
railroad travelling. Perhaps he is
afraid of being drowned. He well
knows the amount of water on the
roads.
A man can get gloriously drunk in
Japan for 20 cents. This is why the
Japanese who come to America save
their money and take it home with
them.
Instructor in Rhetoric-Give an X
ample of a syllogism. Logical Fresh
man-A1 men are more or less alike.
I am a man; therefore / am more or
less alike.
Terrible, railroad accident yester-
day, wasn't itP" Hadn't heard of it,
what was itP" ssThe x road, you
know ftp" Eyes, wellP" at paid a
dividend"
The aim of Chinese parents is to so
tutor their boys that if n of them
happens to sit down on an eight-ounce
tack in the presence of company he
won't even bob up.
There are only two occasions when
a man finds out what an atrocious viii
liam he is. The first is when he runs
for the aldermanship of his ward, and
the second is when his wife sues him
for divorce.
81 have never given you credit for
knowing very much, madam" said a
blunt old bachelor, ''but--" "Sir,"
she interrupted, lido you wish to IN
suit" But" he continued, 81
have always admired your grace and
beauty" 81 accept your apology"
said the lady.
Frenchman Ito Kentucky citizen)-
sven re friend ask you re invite to
take &c drink viskey, vat you say in
AnglaisP" Kentucky Citizen-"Don't
care if l do" 'Doncar fdo, oui! But
ven you refuse re invite. zen vat you
say in Anglais?" "Well-er-I guess
you've got mi now, F~renchy."
"My DEAR" said a frightened hus-
band in the middle of the night shak-
ing his wife, .'where did you put that
bottle of strychninep ION the shelf,
next to the peppermint" go, Lord!"
he graoned, GIVE swallowed it."
"Well, for goodness sake" whisper
ed his wife, ''keep quiet. or you'll
wake the baby"
Did your story win the prize?" ''No,
but it came near winning it. 1t fail
ed only IN one stipulation" "And
what was that?" sit was to have the
EDITORS hair stand on end" ''Oh, 1
see. 1t wasn't exciting enough"
Eyes, 1t was" .'Then why didn't it
make the EDITORS hair stand on endP"
"He hadn't any. He was bald-head-
ed"
At an evening party Dumley was in
troduced to a young lady, and after a
remark about the weather he said,
CALAMITY: ''And have L really the
pleasure of meeting the beautiful
Miss Smith, whose praises are being
sounded by everybody" "Oh, no.
Mr.. Dumley," the lady replied; ''the
beautiful Miss Smith to whom you re-
fer is a cousin of mine" "Oh. that's
it. Well, I thought there must be a
mistake somewhere" said the gallant
Dumley.
A Fellow to be Trusted-"What do
you think of Bliffkins, Brown"
"Pretty fair sort of a chap IN his way,
1 believe" "Do you know him well?"
'Oh, yes; 1 am very well acquainted
with him, indeed" "And you con-
slider him a man to be trusted?" "No
doubt of it," ''What do you base
your opinion upon?" Personal ex-
p~erience." Flows that?" swell, I
began trusting Blltfkins shortly after
l became acquainted with him, and [
am trusting him still"
Gentleman-I am sorry to learn of
your w1fe's death, Uncle Rastus. I'm
Gle Rrastus-Sah? Gentleman-I say
that 1 am sorry to hear that your wife
has recently died. Uncle Rastus with
a puzzled look)-I giss da' am some
mistake bout dat, Mistah Brown. L
lef' de ole CONAN in gud health dis
mawnin', sab. Who said she wah
deadp. Gentleman-Tve forgotten
now. Uncle Rastus (his face clearing
up)-Oh, ya'as, now | understands,
sab. Dat wuz er formal wife oh mine,
Mistah Brown. She died mon foah
weeks ago De present incumbent am
all right.
Little Ernest, a small boy recently
emancipated from kits, walked into
the nursery n morning and was
quite Disguised upon finding that it
had not been put in order for the day
One of the rules of the house being
that no playthings should be brought
out until the sweeping was done. He
left the room for a short time, and
finding matters no better on his return
exclaimed, impatiently: swell, hasn't
this room been sweeped yet?" ''Why,
Ernest" said his mother, ''do you
think that is good grammer?" "Oh
well, then" said he, ''has it been
swopen?"
In an Arkansas town, several nights
ago, a mob, led by a desperate man,
marched to the Jail, dragged a MUIR
derer from the cell, and hurried with
him to the outskirts of the town.
Each man wore an expression of de-
Observation-Disclosures hardened by
awful resolve The prisoner attempt
ed. to speak, to beg for his life, but the
burly hands closed around his throat,