Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-08-20
Wit AND HUMOR.
STRUCK TT RICH.

tired
Who lived in a house where the help wasn't
hired
Herlast words on earth were: .sDear friends.
! am going
Whera no washing is done, nor yet sweeping
| FartYerythina there is exact t. my wishes,
For there trey don't eat-tnere's no washing
of dishes.
III be Win, ro loud anthems win always be
but, having no voice, III get rid of the sing
ing.
Don't mourn for me now. don't mourn for me
eyer;
1.-The doing nothing forever and ever"
IAN Epigraph in Albemare county, Va.
However strong may be the bonds of
matrimony, they are often broken by
cinb-the club the husband belongs to.
Philadelphia CAL.
A professor Of natural history saws
animals frequently cry. This is not to
be wondered at. 1t must be an awful
strain on the feelings Of sensitive
pug to have to walk on the street tied
to dude. Graphic.
Nobody has ever yet given to the
world the names of the two gentlemen
who are always shaking hands so cor
daily on the State seal. 1t is believed,
and that the other is Judge. -LoutS-
Uitle Courier-iour1al.
The matter is, that the rotten
thing is full of moths, you miserable
'
Moist do you saypn Indignantly
interrupted the dealer. ''Mots Vat
do you egspect to Wind ina seyen-tollar
overgoatp Humming -pirdsP' -Jstdgc.
In Scotland the violin is regarded by
many people as the devils instrument.
No religious family will have a violin
in the house. The great need of this
country at the present time, it seems
to us, is q little of the kind of re-
ligion they have in Scotland. = Boston
Herald
Little Inquisitive-H Harry what was
that fuss in the gardenp
Master Harry-Mothcr was throwing
stones at the speckled hen.
Gracious me! Weren't you afraid
of getting hit?''
80, no. ! kept near the hen. Phil
atielphia CAL.
Ela-What do you think of that for
photograph, Mary? 1t makes me
look like a fool, think. The photo
grapher told me to look natural; some-
thing could never do when l am told
to doit.
Mary-Why, Ella, | think YOU sue
ceeded admirably Boston Transcript
Speaking of devotion TO art the 9TH
er day, young Megelys said. "The
most devoted artist | ever heard of
was old Siccortif de Courtney, who
died the other day"
'Hcw SOP" asked Potter Clay.
why. he drew his last breath when
he died" was the answer - Harper's
Bazar.
MY dear" demonstrated wife,
peering ont from under the bedclothes,
i do wish you would use the world
'sheo." 1t sounds better.
ut may sound better at times, IRE
piled her husband, who was noisily
nursing his heel, ''but when a man
ste rs on tack he wants the old YER
sion. ~. J. >ua.
4 New York doctor says people
might just as we'll eat ,sawdust as oat-
meal for breakfast. Ii that doctor
only knew how many agile paragraph
ers will vouchsale the remark that he
probably bases his declaration on the
fact that sawdust is very fine board he
would have restrained himself from
philanthropic motives. boston Post.
Professor is very comprehensive
word. 1t not only includes dancing
masters and fiddlers, but the crank
who lately lost his life by jumping
from the Brooklyn bridge is called
professor by the papers. Members of
the church are called professors of re-
ligion, but people generally neglect to
address them rs professor. = GaireStoa
(Ic1.) et0s.
Kentuckian Crushing into saloon in
great ha,te) Here, give me drink of
whisky.
Bartender I'll have to go down-cel-
lar and tap fresh barrel Colonel; the
old one has run out. But it won't
take me ten minutes.
Kentuckian All right. go ahead, but
be quick about il. I've just heard that
my house is on fire, and I've no time
to lose.-N. \. Sun.
a lady who had been abroad was de-
seslbing some of the sights of her trip
to her friends.
"Bnt what pleased me as much as
anything she concluded, "was the
wonderful clock at Strasburg.n
'Oh, how | should love to see it!''
gushed a pretty young woman in pink.
Il am so interested in such things.
And did You see the celebrated watch
on the Rhine, too?' -Drdhe'S Maqa.
zine.
We have heard Of man being as
saulted with almost every conceivable
weapon. from lighted lamp to a
brickbat, and we even recall an old
song in which the singer was wont to
threaten to strike his audience with
feather or to stab them with rose;
but 1t remained for Cambridge young
man to be fined for assaulting lady
with sunbeam reflected from mir
ror held in his hands. boston ,Sataer-
dag EUening Gazette.
Speaking of pleasure and summer
resorts, the late Col. Jack Wharton
used to remark that lie had never seen
bucket full of the best spring water
that he would not exchange for a good
AhAhs JNliP' IL tHc Hidild1eF OF Virgin
la Springs place he said: go less on
the analysis of your water and the re-
spectability of your doctor and talk
more about your barkeepcr and cook
ing and the people will come to you"
-Ae0 Orleans lfcayune.
The French actor, Regnier, who died
quite recently, never lost his presence
of mind. On one occasion, while act
ing on the stage, the actor with whom
he was to hold dialogue, instead of
coming on the stage from the right,
came from the left. Rcgnier had al
ready said:
"Ah, Alphonse, you come at last
Without being in the least disconnected
by talking to a man from behind, Reg
nier continued:
81 saw you coming in the mirror, (" =
TEXAS Sifltngs.
''Grandma," said young scape-
grace, ''do old people live very long?"
Sometimes, said the stern old la
dy.
do you think you will live to be
very old?" persisted the hopeful.
Il hope. said the old lady YEARLY,
"that | shall live long enough to see
you grow up to be well-behayed
young man."
And the ineorrigible responded:
''Well, grandma, You needn't wait,
I'll telegraph. = = Bn6aio Commercial
4dUerttser.