The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1885-07-02
.S WIT AND HUMoR. .s7s


j. NJ. Farrar. a badly smitten En-
giishman, has written life of Mary
Anderson.
Never insult O milkman bv asking
him what watering place he is going to
this summer.
Ordinary astronomy teaches us the
theory of spots on the sun, but Boston
astronomy teaches the theory of specs
on the daughter. Traveller.
1t is noted that skaters never wear
hip pockets. Flasks are much safer
when carried in an inside breast-pocket
particularly to men who sit down
suddenly.
Said Brougham, when he was strug-
Cling lawyer: circumstances alter
cases, but / wish l could get hold of
some cases that would alter my cir
cumstances."
Statistics show that 10000 people
are killed by whisky where one person
is killed BY a mad dog. This is not
surprising. People don't jump over
gates or climb lamp-posts every time
they see glass of whisky.
'.Yis,' said Pat, ''Oi've signed two
pledges-wan to the praste an wan to
MS 11OuOE II ) q 1Oiuo IHdu JCL
are, Pat" replied Bridget, IAN do yer
think yen kape thim?" "Begorra,
DIN thry an kape wan av thin, any
{ how. IN Y. Times.
A few days ago jury trial occurred
in one of our courts OF justice. in Clyde,
and after the jury had been discharged
the following ballots were picked up in
the jury room: mo caws of acshun;''
i..no caus action;' mo Couse of Ac-
tom" mo cause for action" No COWS
action. Lyons IN. ~ Press.
A child with three eyes has been born
In Ohio. 1t will be able to cast an ex-
ira eye to windward for an office, but
the greatest advantage of having three
eyes will become apparent when the
child gets old enough to attend three
ringed circus N0rrtstoWn Herald.
As he was walking along Broadway
few evenings ago stranger aecosted
him with the question: What time is
itP" He raised his eyes slowly and
answered: Spring time" The next
morning man charged with assault
and battery told his story to the Judge
and was discharged.
A Washington dispatch says that
afternoon riding is about all the re-
Crc6IlOA IEGSlu0ub SIctCiduu Can
Well, we should think that was enough.
II he was an editor a ride home in
street car would be about all the re-
creation he could get, unless he went
to the skating rink at night and fish
ing Sunday morning. g.-NorristoWn Her.
aid.
eYes," boasted an Englishman in
the West, 81 have Tudor blood in my
oil of hn
family, and Plantagenet from my
father's s." ..Is that sop said citizen
..My blood is a little mixed, too. My
grandfather was a Jersey tenderfoot,
an my grandmother Digger Indian
souaw. We're both half-breeds, strang-
er Shaker
A little girl in Pennsylvania, who has
listened to temperance address for
the first time in her life, was so i'm
pressed and interested that she went
home and wrote out the following
rather novel pledge: Il promise not
to drink rum, or wine, or brandy. or
smoke, or swear, or cider either. y
She signed it, and got several of her
playmates to sign it also.
A prominent member of a church not
thousand miles from this city was
talking with his pastor the other day
about an excellent, but somewhat ag.
gressive. lady of the parish. After
descanting at length on her virtues, he
concluded by saying: In fact, she
may be called the salt of the earth. "
Yes" responded the clergyman
quickly, land the pepper, too, ~.
T. Tribune.
A sporting paper contains an article
- Anoidontr
in the Game of Baseball" " This diff
Guilty may be overcome by the substi-
tuition of garden-digging for baseball.
A young man who is digging garden
never gets injured by running the bases
or by the bat flying out of another
players hand, though when he gets
through with the game he may be in
duced to think he has exchanged backs
with man 1877 years old. d.-Norristoa0n
Herald.
Cieely had just dropped in to con-
graduate her friend on pleasant pros
poets directly after Lent. 30, I'm SO
glad for you, my dear. Augustus al
ways was such charming company. o,
he's real nice. He paid me marked at
tentiou half dozen years ago" In
deed! I believe I've heard him say
something about you being a very dear
friend of his mother The coffee
cream froze in the quaint little pitcher
on the table. So did the morning s
conversation.
Quite surprise: MIR. and Mrs. Pet
erby have been married several years.
They live very peacefully, as is usual
with married folks, but occasionally
they have falling out. That was a
nice way to treat me. To-day was my
birthday, and you did not surprise me
with rr sent. Every year since we
have known each other you have given
me a present on my birthday, and /
counted on your doing it this time. :"
s,But, my dear, where would there
have been any surprise if I had made
you present. L didn't give you any,
thing on purpose so that yon might en-
Joy surprise. ''-1eras oiftings.
While walking on a Galveston
wharf, Mrs Sniverly fell into the bay
and was rescued with difficulty by a
stranger. Mr. Sniverly shook the
hand of the rescuer of his wife, and
said: You have saved my wife from
awatery grave, and must reward YOU
for il" Il only did my duty. do
not desire any remuneration" well,
if you will not accept my money, IN
give. a piece of advice that will be
worth something to you. 1t will save
you a doctors bill. Don't eat sausage
in summer. l know what they are
made of. I'm q butcher by trade -
GALVESTON Nea0s
Jay Gould attended fair in New
York and literally patronized all the
departments and raffies. He finally
came to book containing autographic
fac-similes of letters from Washington
and others, to be presented to Presi-
dent Cleveland or ex-President Arthur,