Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1885-05-29
An Youmorist.

Mr.. EDITOR:
Last night one of Gods smiling |
asked me to write something funny
for the SOUTH KENTucKIAN, and
must do it, | am exactly in the right
condition to do so, feel funny, feel
like l have some inspiration i'll that
line, yea no "eend" man all starred
and spangled ever walked out i'll
front of the foot-lights with more
determination to make the world
laugh than ] do now. l know 1t
must be fun that moves me. In 9th
er days when ambitions dream was
younger, have tried to write some
thing noble, something grand, some
thing that would strike responsive
chord in the bosoms of others, some
thing that living / would not be
ashamed of, and dying | would not
wish to blot. L did not feel then as |
do now, it was a different kind of
inspiration, there was too much SELL
timent worked into it, it was not
funny and | did not feel funny then,
life was no frolic, no picnic, no pleas
ure party, on every mile post along
the road sat an owl, amid all the scenes
and festivities bats fitted, to all the
sweet harmonies of stringed inStru-
lnents, ravens crooked back discord-
ant strains; / say then | did not
feel funny, for l had never had the
Rheumatism in the foot.
Kind reader did you ever have
rheumatism in the foot, did you ever
rccline upon your downy couch i'll
the earlyhours of dewey eve, broad
shouldered, strong armed man, feeling
in your heart that you were able TO
drive back wolves and snow storms
and after giving yourself away to
deaths twin sister AWAKE and fluid
your ankle swollen, to find that the
dreaded rheumatism had fallen like
u blightlng blast upon you. Talk
about suffering in mind or body,
bring to your mind all the long
weary days through which you have
lived, remember when you stood
powcrless, when the dark angel how
cred over her who taught you first 20
whisper the hallowed name Of your
maker, and the gentleness of whose
touch and the music of whose voice
can only be appreciated when the
voice is hushed forever and the fingers
are touchless i'll the grave. Yea sum
all the sutlerings of lifetime up, and
compare them to one hours suffering
with rheumatism in the foot and
they melt and vanish like the dews
before the sun. Toothache is pic
nc, the old fashioned boy "betler'
ache is strawberries and cream; to
be Tilted by a dozen or more bright
eyed women is swGet-milk and
peaches; to be thrown from a mule
and fall all over ten acre field about
in pieces is peach and honey to have
your partner pass trick with the
screamer and right bower i'll his
hand to have a saw-log roll ovel
you to be compelled to tell joke tC
dull phlegmatic fellow who is no
particular whether he drinks sWee
or butter-milk to watch a womal
cat onions and not believe in the doc
trine OF total depravity; to hear {
man preach about this bright beauti
full world with Its ripping rills, it
laughing rivers, its opening rosebuds
its firm fast friends and its brigh
beautiful woman and call it lanC
where there is more Grape than bios
sons" to not be able to pull whel
the cork goes under; to be compelled
to hear men say hourly | 'hdcen'
SdW him." to hear men say the "spin
Of their back" is effected; yea veril,
to hear them call for apple brand.
straight to stand still and see me
impeled and urged on by little sell
ish motives, do mean contemptibl
tricks and see 10 thunderbolt iron
the stores of heaven strike them dead
All these and a thousand other thing
have felt, seen and lived, and sa
now that bad as many of them are
would rather have them all pile
mountain high on my head than {
have rheumatism in the foot on
brief hour. Oh hand me the can
phor, let me go out and die with m
boots on, no cannot get them OF
| wish could, but this theme is S
funny and l hope the fair one will b
satisfied. HIRAM.