The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-08-06
HUMOR.
The best.posted traveller is letter

sOmctuiuB.
IT is said that the sting of hornet
will cure rheumatism, or at least make
one forget 1t.
WEALTH screens depravity, but it
isn't worth shucks as preventive OF
corns.-Bdrbers' Gazette.
The young man who neither drinks,
smokes, nor swears may have the worse
fault of thinking that he is better than
he ought to be.
SALT water is said to be a cure for
lunacy. 1t is certainly cure for fresh
ness, and that, in some men, amounts
almost to lunacy.
AN exchange says a great many
worthy American citizens go TO Mexico
every year without any intention OF re-
turning. We ought to have an effective
extradition treaty with Mexico Teras
SUtings.
CONCORD PHILOSOPHY.
What Is the Wilderness of the Now
And the tin ess of the This?
dainty maid with pouting lips,
And time to snatch kiss.
What is the Wher ness of he Then
And the Nearness OF the Whof
An old papa. with unkind haste.
And number twenty shoe.
The Judge.
THERE is only one thing that makes
me doubt the truth of the gospel" said
Cross, when Ross, who is an earnest
devotee, was trying to persuade his
friend to turn from the error of his
ways. "What is that?' asked Ross.
"The apostles were nearly all fisher
men. st. Paul Herald.
shave you an extra umbrella could
borrow" asked q man in friends Of
fee. II have an umbrella" replied
the friend, pointing to a weather-beaten,
corner, "but don't think you will find
it anything extra" He spoke the truth,
but the umbrella never came back all
the same. Merchant Traveller.
AN article in an agricultural journal
is entitle profits in Small Fruits Near
Large Cities" There is not much
profit in raising small fruits near large
cities, unless the premises are we'll
supplied with crop of cross dogs.
The farther from a large city small
fruits-or large ones either-are raised,
the more profit there is in the business.
-NorriStOlC1l Herald.
The National Burial Case Association
announces that its object is to make
it cheaper for man to die. A man can
die now for ten cents, invested in ar
senic, and if he thinks that is not cheap
enough he doesn't deserve to die. 1t
may be the intention of the Burial Case
Association, however, to furnish the
poison gratis and throw in free pass
to Coney Island. --NoTristoao Herald.
AN eminent English medical author
ity makes the statement that cancer is
disease confined to the rich. The
poor have always something to be
thankful for; if they cannot go to the
beaches or mountains In the sweltering
days of the summer nor escape to
warm climate to avoid the rigors of the
winter they can laugh and snap their
fingers at govt and cancer, and say,
I'VE amt afraid of you, at any rate!"
Boston Courier.
The baneful influence of the modern
cooking academy will penetrate the
interior of our best households, in spite
of all endeavors to return TO the good
old-fashioned cooking of our mothers.
THAT looks very nice, indeed" re-
marked Mr.. Fitzjoy to his better half,
as he uncovered the breakfast dish.
What is it?" "That's the cooks
specially. Triple smothered in crumbs
Of bread" swell. 7 should say So"
as he made an unsuccessful attempt to
cut it. "It's mighty tough" II don't
see. The cook has diploma. She
ought to be q good one." "Oh, that
accounts for it. She's fried the diplo-
ma. "-HarTord Post.
BROWN BREAD.
from the Chicago Ledgerl
IT sometimes takes more courage to
have tooth pulled than it does to run
| for Office.
If vengeance is ever reaped with a
razor-edged sickle the harvest comes off
about the time barber discovers he
has a book agent in the chair.
If woman could make as much
noise in proportion to her size as
cricket, some means of getting to the
moon would soon be discovered.
INSTEAD of giving gas to stupefy the
patient, an Iowa dentist has his wife
play on the piano in an adjoining
room whenever he has teeth to pull.
NOTHING on this bubble of infrmity
has more of tendency to rob man of
the dye stuff in his hair than marrying
for money and getting woefully left,
IT is to be regretted that Darwin
died before the dude came on the car
pet, or we might not be longer kept in
suspense for the want of missing link.
SOMEBODY claims that the seraphio
beings who people the beautiful beyond
are all poets. That probably explains
why newspaper men seldom commit
suicide.
A TRUMP in the hand is worth three
in the deck, when the game is close,
unless your partner happens to have
the right bower up his sleeve at the
critical moment.
THE Rev. DIR. Ritchie of Edinburgh