Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1885-07-28
One Book Agent
BY JIM SMILEY.
For the Blade

OF an incipient moustache upon his
lip, and the apple bloom of liie's
young spring upon his cheek. lie
greeted me with a courtesy such as
"a Knight of the Table Round
might have bestowed upon his lady
love, and clasped my unresisting
hand as an undertaken might grasp
that Of a consumptive friend. lie
was comclY to look upon. But he
was book agent, and he so young
lie was a young man of good-ad-
dress. lie could talk eloqucntly
upon commonplace topics. lie said
the weather was warm; and as old
Fahrenheit was that very instant
registering "a degrees in the shade
| could discern that he possessed
good Judgment. lie said if il stayed
so warm all summer, it certainly
would not get cooler soon. That il
it didn't rain we would have Il long
dry spell. That as long as hogs were
only worth $3.50 per cwt. it would
take big hog to bring $40. Thus he
skipped lightly from topic TO topic as
bumblcbee glides from clover BIOS
SONS to thistle flowers, touching with
delightful freshness and originality
upon all sorts of interesting subjects.
lie asked me if had heard the
latest Irish bull. And when ! told
him didn't know much about Irish
bulls, but thought, from what little
| tnnNu nf ihn animate .lat I npnca,
red Jerseys or Shorthorns, he cough
ed and smiled, and said he didn't
mean just that kind but explained
that certain class Of jokes were
called bulls. | admired the young
mans intelligence, and said if it
wasn't too much trouble ] would
like 10 hear 1t. SWELL" said he,
"oncc upon time there was an old
Mick 50 years old. lie was feeling
poorly, had govt or liver complaint
or something or other. Fact was
folks said he couldn't live two weeks.
And the doctor came TO the same de-
fusion, and and at last he says, says
he:
tom O'Rourke, there's naught in
the power O medicine to make We
well, and advise We, make yer peace
with yer God.'
Dye name it, docther?" says he.
81 do, solcmnly," says the doctor.
whist, doctor, an by sure sign
| knows yer mistaken" says Tom.
"And why mistaken" says the
doctor.
Faith, doctor, Ill tell yc," says
Tom, with triumphant CLEAN in
his sunken eyes. 1--we always mo-
ticcd, doctor, that when l have lived
through the month of March that |
would live to see Christmas. la!
ha a." and the agent laughed.
"And did hep | asked, but he
didn't hear me, | guess, for he paid
no attention, but taking out his Wa
terbury and lookit it as carelessly as
if it had only been gold watch,
patent lever, full jeweled, all work
warranted, if-it-dOn't-run- newell fetch
it-back. lie said. "Well, sir, | will
make known my business. DIR. Eli
jah jenkins, ID. d., tie greatest and
only original thinker of this day and
age, has yielded TO the repeated and
urgent solicitations of his numerous
friends and admirers, and has writ
ten a book, for deep originality of
thought, composition and expression,
out-rivals that of any of the literati
(run pin through that word, read
er, and commit il to memory it may
be of use in case of sudden sickness)
of the present day. 1t is the most
absolutely wonderful production that
has ever been produced. This work
sir, is sold by subscription only. |,
sir, have the exclusive right for its
sale in this county, and such being
the case it is not necessary to remind
you that this is perhaps your last and
only chance of securing an elegant
copy of-of-Of lhis-treasure."
(Treasure you'd think it was treas
ure if you only knew the terms.)
"rhe title, sir is the Royal Road of
TRUTH"
Here he laid before me prospec-
tus which had not before observed
or he would have died right there.
Here is the title page, The Royal
Road of Truth, or how to acquire
the faculty of speaking the truth ele-
gantly and correctly, according to
the demands of the OCCASION by Eli
jah jenkins, ID. D." He read to me
choice extracts, and explained their
meaning. lie showed me the illus
trations. "lligh and noble works of
art" he called them. Expatiated
upon the number of pages, the sple-
e-endid binding, the clear print, the
rose tint, and wound up by assuring
me that needed a copy, and by all
means ought to have one.
He had run along so deliciously
smooth that l hadn't the heart to in
terrupt him but now when his clock
work run down, l chad little word
to say" For second, but only a
second, closed my eyes and prayed
fervcntly for strength to "rassle"
with the dextrous-jawed, nimble-
tOngued book agent.
Then said: "My friend, cannot
buy your book for several reasons.
Firstly, have any number of books
that cover the same ground. Second
ly, l don't want your cussed book.
Thirdly, l haven't National bank to
invest in one If | did: and fourthly,
-"
But, Having gotten up steam, and
pulled his throttle wide open, he be-
gan again. lie firmly informed me
that 1 had nothing that could be
mentioned in the same breath with
his book. Il agreed there.) That a
man ofmy intelligence, of my noble
intellectual appearance, could not
help but like it. That his book was
remarkably cheap. $40 for cloth,
$l2.75 for Russia binding. But
was as firm as a bar-keeper, wanting
cash for snake-bite cure, and would
not be tempted. Finally, seeing that
| would not give in, he gave in, and
asked that | only put my name down
for the influence it would have upon
future subscribers. Feeling sorry
that he had wasted so much elo-
quence for naught, l put down my
name, and he departed.
| was jubilant. Ifelt like another
Napoleon, for had l not been victo-
r:ous in death struggle with book
agent? l thought so, but not by "a