davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
HUMOROUS.

Where was time raised? In the
lapse of ages.
The world has been called bub.
BILE. This is probably because it takes
a good deal of soap to run it.
q suppose you heard we've lost
our SOM" "What! Is he dead?" ''Oh
no; he's married . Chicago Ledger.
The race-horse Obermeyer has been
named Schoolmaster. He ought to be
able to beat his competitors now.-MiJ.
gCGatbee San.
No man appreciates more the ire.
sistible power of the press than the un.
lucky wretch who has just got his fin.
ger caught in the machinery. -Sone74
Valle Journal.
John Kemble was performing one O.
his favorite parts at country theatef,
and was interrupted from time to time
by the squalling of child in the gallery,
until at length he walked with solemn
steps to the front of the stage, and ad.
dressing the audience in the most tragic
tones said: 'Ladies and gentlemen,
unless the play is stopped the child can
HOb possibly 90 Oh.
"A young married woman in the
upper part of the city was very much
worried during the storm one afternoon
recently. Her husband had just bought
a cow and put it in the barn. AS soon
as it commenced to thunder the lady
rushed wildly to the kitchen and cried
to her cook: "Run. Mary, and shut
that stable door. If that cow hears that
thunder it will turn her milk sour. -
N. Y. Ledger.
81 should think Pope Leo XIII.
would be very unhappy man. said
DR.. Soonover, who is a Texas humor-
list. 'Why so?' asked Jude Penny
bunker. II should think he would be
troubled with dreadful forebodipgs, y
continued the Doctor. ''Why SOP
because he can never sit down to the
table without being the thirteenth, Leo
Kill, seeP"-Ie9as Sytiags.
Soprano and basso.-
81 am Soprano said she,
"And whenever go up to G,
Ihe gallery gods, the best critics by odds, :.
Shout: 'Ah. there! now stay there! to me. -
Il am basso," said he,
And whenever go down to G,
The orchestra shakes, the proscenium
quakes,
And the gallery yells 'whiskers' at me-"
Chicago Tribune.
Josh Billings was asked: "How
fast does sound travel?" His ide a
is that it depends good deal upon
the noise you are talking about ''The
sound of a dinner horn, for instance,
travels half mile in a second; while
an invitation tew get up in the morn
ing have known to be three-quarters
of an hour goin' up two pair of stairs,
and then not hev strength enuff left to
be heard
Eyes" said the Colonel, 81 was on
jury in California once. 1t was a
murder trial. / didn't want the fellow
hung, and so stuck out against the
other eleven for nine days, locked up
in the jury-room, when they gave in,
and we brought in verdict of Not
guilty. And then | was the maddest
man in the State" why, what were
you mad about, Colonel?'' cause the
mob had hung the prisoner the first
day we were locked up!''-N Y. SIN.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
A Roman Race Course in France.

Archaeological research has recently
revealed in the neighborhood of Nantes
the existence of race course of pre-
sumably Roman origin. The founda-
tons of the hippodrome occupy an area
of about 225 by ia meters. Further
discovery has been made in the vicinity
OF an ancient roadway leading to the
Loire, near the banks of which river
traces of number of villas prove the
existence of buried city, inasmuch as
a theater capable of accommodating
1000 persons has been brought to the
light Of day. A quantity of ornaments,
jewels and pottery has been recovered
among the ruins. Thus far the absence
OF coins has frustrated the endeavors of
savants engaged in unearthing the
relics to establish the epoch Of this most
recently found city OF the Roman occa.
patton. ?. Posi-
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
A CAROL OF COOKERY.

My face is very wan and pale,
My wasted cheeks are haggard:
My trembling limbs their Office fail,
And make me seem a laggard.
My wonted grace has gone; indeed
My smile is now sardonic,
In short, ] seem in grievous need
OF some effective tonic.
Ny friends who, in the days of old
When | was strong and healthy,
admired me, have all grown cold,
AS ii were not wealthy.
You ask to what this change is due?
A very natural question.
] answer I'm q victim to
Most awful indigestion.
Some lady friends of mine, you see,
Both homely and good-looking,
Have organized quite recently
A ladies' school for cooking.
To cook well is their fondest wish,
And, as they are not wasteful,
They have me try each novel dish
10 see ii it is tasteful
Their doughy cake, their pale ''puff-pasta'
And all suspicious viands
Are not allow ed to go to waste;
All find their way to my hands.
All, woe is mel I've learned with pain
That when girls make a custard,
The useful egg they quite disdain,
But put in tots Of mustard.
They've done their best of me to make
A useful kitchen fixture.
I know the taste of wedding-cake
When favored with cough-mixture.
There's Charlotte, sprightliest of girls,
Whose schemes oft have their uses,
I've learned to flee when she unfurls
Her subtle Charlotte Russes.
Cheir pies and biscuit make me sick,
Their buildings, too, of suet,
Their coffee, oh, SO black and thicki
[ drink it, but / rue it.
Although I'd love without demur
Each culinary fairy,
a hotter cline I'd much prefer
10 this place cool an airy.
Rambler
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
SHE KNOWS so MUCH.

know maiden very fair to see,
She lived of years one little charming score;
Often, when from my daily labors free,
seek admittance at her fathers door
Ike her well, and would like her more.
Blu that fear me there may be many SUCH
Or learning she has mighty store:
Alas! alas! this maiden knows so much
She reads the Greek, and very Iearnedly
She talks, this maiden that / might adore.
OF music, art and science; poetry
She writes. Alas This most do deplore:
Learning exudes, say from every pore
While ignorance doth eold me in it's clutch.
say again. just as / said before
Alas! alas! this maiden knows so much.
She also works in clay, and valantIy
She hammereth brass; to all the heavy lore
She adds the lighter So it seems to me-
She paints. Ye godsi to-day her chnvas bore
A scene ike none on sea and shore;
Inc ivory keys know wen her skillful touch
Like any college man she pulls an oar;
Alas! alas! this maiden knows too much!
ENVOY.
But she for whom my very beings core
Is sad is not this very learned she.
To all her excellence do agree;
But still do not want a wife to soar,
While go hobbling on upon crutch.
! want real nice girl no less, no more;
want a girl who does not know so much.
-CdrtOtta PERM
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27

Please, brother Ned, won't you
write your name here?n And then she
told him, SO sweetly, about papa's
feeling SO bad and throwing the wine
into the CRATE. He trembled some, but
he said:
Is Yes, will. I'll keep it, too, God
helping me. If father can, I can. !" S
And that's how we got Ned to sign,
and we are all so happy now.-Dirl-
re II. Hayes, in Royal Road.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
A Monster Oak.

OF monster oak felled in England
in 1910 the main trunk, 10 feet long,
produced $50 cubic feet; one limb 472
cubic feet, and other limbs respectively
800, 235, loo, 113 and LOG cubic feet; 6
other limbs Of inferior size averaged 93
feet each, making total of 2,445 cubic
feet of sound timber. The bark was
estimated at six tons. 1t took FIVE men
twenty days to strip and cut down this
tree, and two sawyers were five months
without losing a day Sunday excepted)
in converting it into timber. The main
trunk of this tree was 81 feet in diam
eter. The whole produce of the tree in
the market brought about $1,000
LiUe Stock Journal.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
Prior TO His Departure.

Jim Webster noticed pair of pants in
Nose Schaumburgs Clothing Emporium,
and going into the store, said to the pro-
prietor:
"How much does dis heah pair OBJ pants
cost?"
-Four dollars and a helaf, and dot is
shoost given dose goots away, mine frendt."
Boss, GIBBS yer two dollars"
Mister SchaKe Silverstone," said Nose
to his clerk, "cho0st do ME dot favor, and
frow dot plack niger out On dot sidewalk"
Jake SiIverstone promptly complied with
the request. a few minutes later the eX-
PEELED negro stuck his head into the store,
and asked:
BOSS, will yer take two dollars and a
half before l goes w-TerGs Sifttngs.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
TEMPERANCE.
THE DRuNKARD's DEATH.
A Story Told to a Child.


Long years win pass and tears viii flow
And my young heart grow old,
But shall near forget the tale
lhe neigabors came and told.
Twas round the fire they told the tale,
They spoke with trembling breath
seem TO hear their voices now
"He died drunkard's death"
/" In sin he lived, in sin he died,
And cast his soul away;
And ne will stand before Gods throne
Upon the judgment day."
This is the tale they told; and now
/ lay awake at night,
And think see God judging him,
And tremble with alright.
And then there rises in my mind
The story of his life; 7
The empty, squalid, cherries room,
The Scane of drunken strife.
His starving wife and children left
At home to weep and die,
While he, half-senseleSs, mad with drink
Heeds not their dying cry.
And was he once child like me- <
A simple, loving child? ,
And like the Infant Jesus, too,
SO pure. and meek and mild?
and was his guardian angel there
To watch him as he fell:
And If he fell, and others fall,
May not fall as well?
OGod, have mercy on his soul,
And save him from his sin;
And when the struggle comes for me,
o help me then to win.
Let long years pass, and let tears flow,
And let our hearts grow old,
But never let that tale of woe
OF you and me be told.
Irish World
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
How 1t Was Settled.

One of the boar1ers in private boarding
house in this city, not over prompt in pay
ing board-bills, grumblingly observed, a
morning or two ago, in the hearing Of the
'boarding missus:" "This coffee isn't set
tied" 81 guess it will be settled before
your bill is settled" she quickly retorted.
This was settler he little expected. 1t
set little ripple of laughter in motion
round the table, and, when it settled, the
peacemaker of the house observed that
there were probably grounds for complaint
on both sides, which settled the matter and
harmony resumed her reign. - Boston
Courier.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
Nature and Art.

''There was a great deal Of art about the
minister's sermon to-day, wasn't THEREOF
inquired Mr.. Tompkins of Deacon Good
man.
Il can't say that it struck me that way"
responded the Deacon. "On the contrary,
thought it quite natural"
''It sounded very much like art to me-"
"Will you be kind enough to explain|'
swell, you know art is long, and that
sermon was"
''Oh, ah," interrupted the Deacon, II
see," and the conversation changed-Mer-
chant IT0reLer.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
Boston Version of Jack sprat.

John Sprattle found it utterly impossible
to consume anything of an adipose nature
and his wife experienced an equal difficulty
in masticating food of heterogeneous consti-
tuition. They thus presented dietetic COM
bination and division of family labors and
gustatory delights that enabled them as well
to prevent waste of unconsumed provisions
as to secure the pleasant, easy and prompt
polishing of the china-ware by the use of
the vibratory lingual muscle in the novel
function of removing adherent particles of
food from the large central meat-dish, thus
Obyiating the necessity for the disagreeable
operation Of dish-washing. The Judge.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
Good Boots.

Clerk in Missouri store Ito customer)-
These boots are worth five dollar.
Customer-They are not worth that
much.
81 say they are"
81 don't believe it."
sGive me FIVE dollars"
II WON'T
ssBut you will"
II will not Who are you that you can
order me around this way?'
81 am Frank James,"
a,yby. how do you do, Mr.. James?
Please wrap up these boots. Five dollars.
vou say9 Here's your mopey. Good day."
.I-ltralealr Traveller.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
Educational Note,

An Austin student. who attends the lee
lures at the University of Texas, was 60
ing to be examined with the rest of his
class At the dinner table his father re-
marked:
II think, Charles, rn come around this
afternoon and see how you stand your ex-
animation"
Don't do it, pa"
"Why not. my son?"
Because if you are there when my turn
comes to be examined you will feel very
much mortified, and that would be very
humiliating to both Of us."-Teras Sft-
illnS.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27

a PAMPHLET by Mr.. John Abbey,
which excited considerable interest in
England when published a few years
since, advocating the discontinuance of
intoxicants on the harvest field, was
widely circulated by a committee, and
as a result of this effort many farmers
have substituted a money-payment for
the former beer allowance, to the gen.
eral satisfaction of masters and men.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27
Conversational Item.

Judge Pennybunker was walking on
Austin Avenue, conversing with himself. as
is his habit, he being little absent-minded.
Gilhooly came up behind him, slapped him
OH the back, and said:
'What are you talking to yourself about,
old gentleman"
go away and leave us alone"
leave us alone%'
''Yes, leave aus alone. Whenever I am
walking on the street conversing with
sensible, intelligent gentleman of culture
and refinement, you have to stick yourself
in between us and interrupt us."-Teras
Siftiu0s
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27

-Hay-water is a great sweetener of
tin and wooden ware. Boil handful
of hay in water and pour whsse hot into
the vessel.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1885-11-27

MOP" she sighed interrogatively.
"No, )" repeated the officer, ''but
lately found it very dull spending my
off hours round the station or up at
that lonesome clearinghouse.
haven't even a dog to look after. There
isn't person in the world who cares
whether come home safe at night or
get killed in row on the docks. -
Tears actually came into the listeners
eyes at this.
80, Mr.. Kyter' she protested cts
most unkind of you to say so when you
know how anxious I've feel about
you. Many a night I've started up out
of my sleep thinking l saw one of
those dreadful sailors coming at YOU
with knifein Both of the plump
hands were on the sleeve of the uni
form now. Even the unsophisticated
sense of officer Kyle could not help see
ing something curious in this last re-
mark. Did the widow think he meant
to make love to her? He was chival-
rous soul, and would no more have
fostered such mistake than he would
have perjured himself. Besides, he
had a great respect for Nannie's
mother, as such. He cast about him
for means to extricate himself from the
difficulty, but the widow, still with
tears in her eyes and quaver in her
voice, went on:
"I'm sure l know how to feel for
you. Ever since dear James died I've
been so lonesome that, but for Mamie
and your visits, I must have lost my
senses; and now that Mamie is going
to leave me-
"Or cried Officer Kyle, relieved,
thinking that after all she might not
have misunderstood him, 'sthat needn' e
be, I'm sure; no one would think of
separating you" But the widow was
unconsoled. She drew in her breath
with sob. He may take her away
any day, and then what shall l do?n
you don't mean that she's engaged
-
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21

From me Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Talking about finding money" said
Old sport, would you believe me If told
you found 81, 600 one time? 1t was in
Washington. The occasion was the in
auguratiOn Of Grant, and there we're
100000 people in the streets. saw a
small green thing living on the pavement,
aud something prompted me TO pick it up.
Ordinarily | wouldn't stop 10 pick up
things on the street, but this time /
thought ia chance il. After picking the
green thing up thought il WAS patent
medicine advertisement. and was on the
point Of throwing 10 awaygtblt / wasn't
very busy just then, SO | unrnlled il, and
when | saw IL was I, 900 bill 1 was
scared to death. was dealing bank then.
and / didn't know what 10 do with the
find, because | couldn't fake up any eX-
cuse Tor the possession Of 50 much0f the
filthy. The main guy would swear that
/ was holding out on him. aud there would
be the devil TO pay, aud YOU can bet It
would take the whole Or the thousand 10
paw him. So took the bill - my board
ing-hb,ise, and stuck 70 between The COW
ering Of my trunk and the outside.
looked ~ the papers for several days, but
couldn't see any advertisement for lost
81 900 bill. I didn't dare get II changed
IA " ashingtOn, because il wQuld soon be
nOised around that had a big roll, and
the snap would be given away. Each
day / would reoOnnoiJre around the old
trunk 20 see II the bill was safe, aud I'd
change bel from place 10 place. The fact
THAT the loss WAS not advertised led me 90
suspect that the blooming bin might be
counterfeit, and Was IN a terrible stew.
But / held on 90 II. one day l went over
90 New York and took the bill with me.
Al last screwed up my courage to slap
the bin down on the counter Of bank
and asked 70 have II changed. The deal
On, or rather cashier. grabbed 10 up and
1quintcd all over both sides Of 1t, aud |
imagined everybody in the world was
looking at me. Mind you, this was three
months after had found the bill After
cycling the bin for few seconds the cash
fer laid II aside, and didn't know wheth-
er be was going % set the dog on me or
what; but be- clinched on 90 tlst run Of
500 bills and counted out twenty of them,
which he handed 70 me. So that was an
right. We'll, / felt pretty gay, aud went
down % sandy Hook, aud from there TO
Long Branch, then back 20 New York,
over 20 Philadelphia, and once more TO
Washington. That night ! played faro
aud got broke"
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
Savannah, Florida & Wsstern Ry.

All trains Of this road are run by Central
gOl Meridian time, which is 80 minutes slower
than Savannah time.
SUPERINTENDENT ORFIoKl
SAVANNAH, a =. %, 1855,
IN AND AFTER SUNDAY. Aug 8 1855.
~ Passenger Trains on this ROAD Will run
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
A WHISKY DEALERs FALSE son.
buchanan, OF Louisville, who Fled 10
Canada, Ia Robbed of Everything.

Canada, Ia Robbed of Everything.
LOUISVILLE, sept. l6.-George A. Buch.
anan, formerly q prominent whisky dis
tillerof Louisville. KY, accounts Of whose
failure over year ago, aud tho discovery
Of fraudulent warehouse receipts issued
by his firm were published NJ the time, Is
again In embarrassed circumstances
After Buchanan's flight into Canada be
devoted his business abilities 20 conduct
ing n summon garden ana roler-coaster
at Windsor. Just across the river from
Detroit. Tue enterprise prOsperod, and
the bankrupt millionaire accumulated
S. GOO. During the past summer he
was Joined by his son, George c., Jr., who
had departed from bis home at Louisville
after marrying notorious woman OF the
town. The father oondoned the boys
foolish step. and took him into his new
enterprise as cashier. After a few weeks
OF steady application 60 the business the
young mGu suddenly disappeared with
his wife. aud an examination ot the cash
box developed the tact that an the funds
OF the concern had vanished with the pair.
Andrew, "a second sou Of Buchanan, has
been sent 20 Louisville for the purpose "
raising sufficient money among his
fathers old friends 20 prevent the utter
collapse OF the concern.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
aatlrcaoa.
Central & Southwestern RaiIr'd nc,

al 40 ,ao rams M 81 this system are run bystans
slower than time kept by city. . % minutes
o. AND AFTER mi, OATS p = tS isIs;
South western on the Central ana
run as follows: U OIaheAes WILL
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
BoRsFORD's ACID PHOSPHATE
A good Thing

Or. Adam Miller, Chicago, H., says:
81 have recommended Horsford's Acid
Phosphate 90 my patients, and have re-.
coived very favorable reports. II IL one
u the very few really valuable prepare
tiOus now offered 10 the afflicted. In "a
practice OF thirty-hye years have found
= few good thiDgs, aud this Is one Of them.p
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
TnTT'S EXTRbGT SbASbpbRILLA
Doctors Certificate - Cancer, Skin
Disease and Rheumatism.

Several years ago a cancerous ulcer made
its appearance on my chin, Three years ago
II slOughed out. but lastsprlDg returned. Soon
after the cancer appeared, my skin became
diseased-any slight wound or brHise would
intamc, spread and make an ugly sore. Rough
places and heavy black scales formed on my
hands and face lat October | was attacked
with Rheumatism in my feet. ankles. kners
and hips, which became 80 : til. swollen and
sore and the muscles so much contracted that
10 was impossible for me to stralghten myself.
In this terrible condition, no medicine gave
me any relief-my appetite and atrength fail
ed, and became completely helpless. In this
almost hopeless condition / determined to try
GuINN'S PIOHEFR BLOOD RENEwER. / pro
cured q supply ana began the use of 10. used
it about one month, and SO much improved
that began to walk about with the aid Of
crutches. The cancer on my chin entirely
disappeared. The black heavy scales that had
formed ON my face ami hands fell of, and nv
skin became Gear, smooth aud healthy. /
would also state that for several years / have
used this Medicine in nv practice in the treat
ment OF glandular and SKIN diseases, and
have never known 10 TO fail To cure any case
whoreit has been used according to directions.
do, therefore, most cheerfuily recommend it
To all who may be afflicted with any of the
diseases for which 10 is prescribed.
j. l.. STEPHENSON, nj. d.
GRIFFIN. GA
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
Macon Medicine Co., MaCOn,Ga

Sold in powdered form, easy to prepare at
home, with or without spirits; small size Csc,
large size 81; mailed 10 any address on receipt
OF price.
For sale by O-CE cola BUTLER, Whole
sale and Retail Drmgust. Savannah. Ga
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
COMING SOUTH.

Savannah % ID 4:4j p m. 81 d $50 m
Connections at Savannah with Savannah
Florida and Western Railway for all points in
Florida. ="
Local Sleeping Cars on all night passenger
trains between Savannah and Augusta "a
yannan and Macon, savannah and Atlanta
Tickets for all points and sleeping car berths
on sale az City Office, No. % Bull street.
G.. A. WHITEHEAD, WILLIAM ROGERS
Gen. Pass. Agt. Gen. Supt.. Savannah,
). c. SHAW, w. Z. SHELLMAN,
Gen. Trav. Agt. Traffic Manager,
,D, Savannah, Ga.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21
JEsUP EXPRESS.


PULLMAN buffet sleeping cars savannah
70 Jacksonville.
Pullman palace sleeping cars Savannah to
Gainesville.
Passengers for Brunswick by this train ar
rive at Brunswlck iva e. T., V. q. Il. h'l
$40 a. m. daily.
Passengers for Macon, Atlanta, Chattsnoo-
ga, Knoxville, Bristol, Roanoke, Philadelphia
ana New York. take this tram with through
pullman Buffet Sleepers daily.
Passengers for Fernandina, Gainesville, Ce-
dar Key, Ocala, Wildwood, Leesburg, ana al
stations on Florida Railway and NAVIGATOR
Company and Florida Southern Railway TAKE
this train.
Passengers for Madison, Monticello Iala-
hassee and al Middle Florida points take IN"
train.
Connections at Jacksonville daily with req
PIES Line Steamers and railroads for ~. Au-
gustine and all points on ST. johns river -
Through tickets sold and sleeping car oelsa
accommodations secured at Bren's IlcKes
Office, No. y Bull street, and &C the C0mP~
ny's Depot, foot Of Liberty street. ,
JAS. l.. TAILOR,
Gcn'l Pass. Agent.
r. g. FLEMING, Supt.
Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1885-09-21

leading physicians recommend and pre-
scribe DUFFY's PURE MALT WHIsKEY.
Recommended by physicians. Sold by
druggists aud gr0cers.