The Cecil Whig., 1885-11-14
A DISSERTATION ON OLD MAIDS.
What Il Prominent Physicion, who Partici-
pated in the Debate, Thinks of Them.

What Prominent Physicion, who Partici-
| pated in the Debate, Thinks of Them.
| There are many kinds of old maids.
| There are long old maids and short old
| maids; stout old maids and thin old maids;
yonng old maids (very nice kind of people)
and old'oid maids. There are good old
maids and no, there are no bad old maids.
There are rich old maids and poor old
maids; literary old maids and prosy old
maids; female old maids, and, the worst of
all, male old maids; popularity, or rather
unpopularly known, As the old bachelor.
Everybody knows Chat knows any
thing) that, in every class of society, the
female contingent surpasses the masculine
element. A girl baby is prettier and
makes less racket than one of the opposite
sex. The schoolgirl always knows her
lessons better and gives the teachers less
trouble than the boy. The judges would
never forgive me should contrast the
young lady with the dandy dude 1t is a
mere waste of time to argue that 4he mar
ried woman is rightly called the better
half and that Mr.. Caudle deserved more
lectures than he ever got. H9nce, reason,
analogcally, from the other orders, that
tho old maid, that sumptuous vision of eff
fulgent loveliness is better in every way
and, fortiorio, of more use than the old
bachelor. This is an argument from ma
nature upon which there can be no i'm
mr. ,,-b;, al,
be made. OF two evils, if there must be,
always choose the least. To get the full be-
netit of this question, there should be one
of each on either side. | would like to ill
inmate a difficult point before | proceed
further just what is an old mad" She
is an unmarried and therefore sensible fe-
male, who has reached certain age-and
here | run against a snag. At what age
she passes into an old maid, at what time
the chrysalis becomes butterfly is really
more than | can tell for doubtful things are
so very uncertain. Never ask lady her
age. Ask some other woman. We sh all
call her member of that totally misun-
derstood class of female humanity who, for
reasons, best known to themselves, have de-
clined to exchange the silver cords of sin
gle-handed bliss for the heavier bonds of do
nestle drudgery. l would respectfully ask
our most honorable judges not to confound
this simon-pure article with the peppery
beverage called the mcther-in-law or that
adulterated compound, the grass widow
And, above all, confuse her not with that
l,,l nF oil
antness, the old bachelor. | am well aware
of the fact that you can not build your own
house by knocking down that of your
neighbor, nor do | hope to do so when en-
deavor to show the bad points of the old
bachelor. If we can make it appear that
he is of no benefit tc society and she ever SO
little it advances oul side of the question.
There is said to be a joy in insanity which
none but the insane can know. Be this as
it may, there is joy in being an old maid
about which none but an old maid can tell
you. An old maid recently entered the
matrimonial state and her former compan-
ions broke her all up by sending copy of
"Paradise Lost" If the word, old, were
left out, it would improve our chances i'm
mensely, but old things are in favor just
now. Old pictures are all the go. Old fur
niture is eagerly sought. Old china is in
fashion, So OF old books and old bric-a-
brac, and why not old maids? Would we
have all the ladies' to be old maids? BY no
means, they like wonder-t1owers should
bloom only once in lifetime and then on
the banks of celestial streams They have
the discredit among limited number of
misinformed people of being snappish and
waI-like. But the number of married men
that come into the police conrts, with
skillet broken heads and used up generally,
shows the symptom not to be pathogno-
monic of the old maid
81 hold it true what e'er befall
| feel it when / sorrow most
'Tis better to be laughed at because you
are not married than not to be able to laugh
because you are. An old maid keeps a
tom-cAt, a monkey that chews tobacco, and
parrot that swears. She says that he
tween the three she doesn't miss a husband
so much after all. Speaking of old maids,
reminds me of a couple | used to hear
when l was young and-wicked: "Oh,
dear me, what can the matter be, two old
maids fast up in an apple tree Hence
the crab-apple-a very luscious fruit.
Verify the old maid is the salt of the earth,
and the old bachelor is the vinegar. Did
you ever try Browns new brand of vine.
gar, called the old bachelor 1t is not only
sour, buf it's bitter and guaranteed to kill
at forty PAGES. n number of young men
were once talking together when one Of them
expressed his intention of becoming an old
bachelor. companion started to paint
glowing picture of married life, when the
first party, interIupting him, said Eyes you
go home to the bosom of your family. You
get into the hall and trip over strings tied
to tin horses and cut your head on the hat
rack moved from its place. You go into
a room, and hoop-la, you raise up your
oldest boy to see how heavy he is and get
gently chucked under the chin with
brass-toed boot and fall backward into a
batch of mud pies on the sofa" "Well,
said, the aspirant for family honors, if that
Is tut hluu Vi YOU tAltCI W nave
you had better keep bachelors hall" [
know an old bachelor who drinks whiskey
and gin (never treats) and CANDLES and
swears and smokes bad cigars and never
goes to church-in fact, he is n typical eN-
ample of the whole gang. The bachelor
is a mocker and strong drink is his failing.
The old maids have no such scandalous
habits and are regular attendants ut divine
services. Were it not for them our churches
would close and our preachers die of ina
milton. Is their good example of no use
compared with the notoriously bad record
of the gentlemen of the other side, /. e. of
the old bachelors. l am shocked and
grieved that the young men of the opposi-
ton would have the hardihood and assur-
ance to claim supremacy over our picture
of innocence for their wretched sign of a
wholesale rum mill. | was once in New
Jersey. l was with geological party COL
lecting fossils. We visited Mallica Hill. 1t
should be spelled with an E. A new build
ing had the letters, w. G. T. L. painted on
its head board. | feel all the humiliation
OF SuCl confession III JueSe lHplOTluS
times, but cudgeled my brains, trying to
think what those letters could mean. We
were told that there was to be q meeting
that evening We took it in and it brought
tears into my eyes to see those old maids
down on their knees praying for children
for other peoples children to be rescued
from our besetting (and upsetting) sin, in
temperance. The only liquor-seller in the
whole village was an old batchelor. This,