Omaha daily bee., 1885-07-18
PS.

One ought to be able to get a pretty good
view fcom the top of q thermometer Just now.
Boston Post.
Minister Pendleton, it is believed, will
eventually convince Bismarck that American
pig-tails make the best whistles,
Some one calls a couple of tramps "a pair
of levolvers." Yes; and they ought to be
fired out of every house they con to.
The people of Chicago eat S00,0 900 pies
every day. No wonder they stuff ballot
boxes in Chicago. -[ Newman Independent.
These are the times when the man with
the tifty.dollar o%vercoat cannot put on style
against a man in his shirt sleeves and with
holes in his stockings.
The mammoth sea COW has almost entirely
disappeared from the lakes and rivers of tho
world The milk dealer and the oleomarga-
rine maker seem to have formed a conspiracy
against her Il IN. Y. Graphic.
The mayor of Helena, Mon, is q barber,
and, after enjoying a shave at his worshipful
hands, a visitor went out to look tor an al
dermau to black my boots, for which dispar-
aging sarcasm he was promptly hunted out OF
town.
1t ia said that at some of the summer re
sorts the walters bring only eleven CLANS for
| o dozen to the guests. And when remonstra'
ted with theg say the landlord is very super
| stitious, and dislikes to have q guest sit down
with thirteen at q CaDle.
A boy in one of the public schools, while en-
| gagged in defining words a few days since.
made a mistake that was not a mistake. lie
said; "a demagogue is a vessel that holds
beer, wine, gin, whisky, or any other kind of
Intoxicating liquor. Exchange.
In Kentucky n bolt of lightning cut the
rope by which a mule was tied without scorch-
ing q hair. Lightning takos terrible risks
sometimes, but this was the most foolhardy
thing the eccentric fluid ever did. Next time
it may not get off so EASILY. Boston Post.
Lillian Whiting says 'sleep is almost a lost
art. " and suggests that a society be formed to
encourage experiments in sleep on the part of
American women, If Lillian were to dismiss
her young man before 2 a. m. and object to
his calling seven nights a y week she would get
more sleep and change her opinion about the
luxury being o lost art Norristown Herald.
"How fresh everything seems tonight"
said he. "Do you know anything freBher
than a spring zephyr"
"No,' said the young lady; mot unless il is
the fresh paint You arc sitting on. 1t has not
been on the four hours.
The young man went through a back strset
to a hotel and sent the porter out on an or
rand. A few minutes later al odOr of henzine
filed the hotel Port Jervis Union.
Poor fellow. He lay in a stupor. The
physician had said that he could not recover.
ms IhlulsLeT CAME anu Dsuulnb ONoE WIG
bed, solemrly remarked:
You must prepare for the worst"
The poor fellow, whose wife had been do
ing the cooking, opened his eyes and said:
why, is dinner ready!'- Arkansaw Tray
eller.
A witness discounted a lawyer by a rather
unexpected reply. To the question. What
is your name?' III. Bamberger," was the
answer. What is your Christian name?'
asked the attorney. 81 have no Christian
name, said Mr.. Bamberger. mo Christian
name? How is that" 'For the simple reason
that L am a Jew. My full name is Herman
B~amborger." The lawyer gracefully &C
knowledged his defeat.
They tell a good story on a lawyer of
Wooster, o. A client charged with stealing Il
hog admitted his guilt to his counsel. The
latter was noted for his honesty in private
life. After thinking the matter over he said:
John, cut that hoe. exactly in half, and
bring oue-half to me-"
John obeyed. The evidence for the prose
cution was weak, and when the counsel for
the defense arose, he won the case by saying
to the jury:
Gentlemen, | can hold up my hand to
Heaven and say that the defendant has nc
more Of that hog than / have. ~ Louisville
Courier-Journal.