River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1885-12-24
THE EARTH.
Bin Nye's Views of the Sphere Upon
Which We Live.

Bill Nye's Views of the Sphere Upon
which We Live.
The earth is that body in the solar
/ system which most of my readers now
reside upon. and which some of them,
| regret to say, modestly desire to own
and control, forgetting that the earth
is the Lords and the fullness thereof.
Some men do not care who owns the
earth so long as they get the fullness.
| The earth is 500000.000 years of age,
according to Prof Proctor, but she
doesn't look it to me. The Duke of
Argyll maintains that she is 10000, 900
years old last August, but what does
an ordinary duke know about these
things? So far as | am concerned |
| will put Proctor 5 memory against that
of any low-priced duke that | have
ever seen.
Newton claimed that the earth
would gradually dry up and become
porous and that water would at last be-
come curiosity. Many believe this
and are rapidly preparing their sys-
TENS by rigid course of treatment, so
that they can live for years without the
use of water internally or externally.
Other scientists who have set up nights
to monkey with the solar systems, and
thereby shattered their nervous sys-
TENS, claim that the earth is getting
top-heavy at the North Pole, and that
one of these days. while we are thinking
of something else, the great weight of
accumulated ice, snow, and the vast
accumulation of secondhand Attic re-
lief expeditions, will Jerk the earth out
of its present position with so much
spontaneity, and in such an extremely
forthwith manner, that many people
will be permanently strabismussed and
much bric-a- brio will be for sale at a
great sacrifice. This may or may not
be true. have not been up in the
Attic regions to investigate its truth or
falsity though there seems to be a
growing sentiment throughout the
country in favor of my going. A great
many people during the past year have
written me and given me their consent.
If | could take about twenty good,
picked men and go up there for the
summer, instead of bringing back
twenty picked men, | wouldn't mind
the trip. ana feel that we really ought
to have a larger colony on the ice in
that region than we now have.
The earth is composed of land and
water. Some of the water has large
chunks of ice in it. The earth revolves
on its axle once in twenty-four hours,
though it seems to revolve faster than
that and to wobble a good deal during
tho hnliAavS Nothinr tioE los tho
earth more than to confuse a man
when he is coming home late at night,
snd then to rise up suddenly and hit
People who think there is no fun or re-
Taxation among the heavenly bodies
certainly have not studied their habits.
Even the moon is a humorist
A friend of mine who was returning
late at night from regular meeting of
the Society for the Amelioratiou of Hot
Scotch said that the earth rose up sud
denly and hit hun with a right of way,
and as he was about to rise up again
he was stunned by terrific blow be-
tween the shoulder blades with an old
land grant that he thCnght had lapsed
wears ago. When he staggered to his
feet he found that the moon, in order
to add to his confusion, had gone down
in front of him and risen again behind
him, with her thumb on her nose.
So, | say, without fear of successful
contradiction, that if you do not think
that planets and orbs and one thing
and another have fun on the quiet you
are grossly ignorant Of their habits.
The earth is about half way between
Murcury and Saturn in the matter of
density. Mercury is of about the
specific gravity of iron, while that
of Saturn corresponds with that
that of a cork in the matter of density
and specific gravity. The earth of
course. does not compare with Mercury
in the matter or solidity, yet it is amply
firm for all practical purposes. A ne
gro who fell out of the tower of a
twelve-story building while trying to
clean the upper window by drinking a
quart of alcohol and then breathing
hard on the glass, says that he regards
the earth as perfectly safe to do bust
ness on for years to come. He claims
that those who maintain that the earth 5
crust is only $500 miles in thickness
have not thoroughly tested the matter
by system of practical experiments.