Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-03-12
WIT AND HUMOR.
She skated at the roller rink,
She sat down on the floor.
She didn't say a single word
She doesn't skate no more.
Merchant Travele

ureFS OF SIean-reHned trlpe, pigs Ieet
and fertilizers. Heavens, and we had
thought all along that these things
grew naturally.-Bostoaa Transcript.
The reason farm hands are so scarce
can be accounted for in the fact that
man can't get moments rest on the
barb wire fence now in use. The old
rail fence offered some inducement to a
man to engage on farm, but this barb
ed wire business don't give man any
show at all.-Pec6'S San.
The average American editor gets so
bored and harrassed by these President
ial campaigns that he always rejoices
when the election is over so that he can
find relief from politics by discussing
the chances of the different candidates
and the probable result of the election
four years after.-Judge.
EsHello! hello % shrieked Jones to
Smith this morning; ''helIo!' I'm no
walking telephone to be 'helloed' at.
Why don't you say Good morning to a
gentleman" II do when Inject one
The polls closed and the ballots were
counted. Itwas tie. Neither party had
carried the day Hartford Post
mo, said the Vermont deacon, Il
don't approve of boss racin', and when
another member of the church becomes
so Goddess as to try to pass me on the
road comm home from meetin', [ feel
it my duty to let out little on the
reins, just to keep him from putin his
trust in earthly things. Cambridge
Tribune.
Several years ago a very good man
died in the State of New York. Mr..
Schoonmaker, the man who often took
charge of funerals, managed this, and
in giving out the invitation, at the close
of the service, said: Cali who desire
can now have the opportunity of be-
holding the remains of the oldest man
living in Ulster County. "-Harper's
BGz0r.
''My husband is a BRUTE declared
Nine. X. to an intimate friend the other
day. ''Why, say dear, what is the
matter?" ''He found fault with a little
vivacity of mine yesterday, and threw
a candlestick at his head; then what do
you suppose he did?" Il don't. know"
S'Why, he stood before the mirror so
that | couldn't throw the other" THE
DLu JC. --IfONG CIGE L fEI1Cft-
As a new member from a rural dis
trict stood Monday afternoon gazing
admiringly upon the massive pillars of
solid masonry that supported the porti-
Goes of the Capitol Building, he turned
to a companion and innocently re-
marked: ''Well! them's the durndest
biggest posts that ever see. [ wonder
if the trees groWed in Floridy? "-IdIZa-
60SSe Land Of Fl0UeTS.
A fond father presented his 4-year-old
boy with q trumpet, with which he was
greatly infatuated All day the boy
footed away delightedly, and at bed
time, when his grandmother told him
to put the trumpet down and say his
prayers, the little fellow said: ooh,
no; III tell you what let's do, grandma;
you pray and I'll keep on blowing -
Reh0botG Sunday Herald.
Oscar Wilde said the other day, in his
lecture at Glasgow, that nothing dis
tressed him more than to see IN a para
graph that such and such q color was
going to be fashionable next season, and
he held that it would not be more ridi-
culous to read in musical magazine
that ''B fiat was going to be a fashion,
able note. certainly think that if ''B
flat can not possibly make itself fash
ionable, "a flat" can, and very often
does. London Trasth.
Stanley Day of HolIisterville, Pa,
after much suffering for several months,
has been relieved of thirteen water
crabs and milk-snake seventeen inches
long, which he thinks he must have
swallowed while drinking from a
spring in the darN last MAY. How true
the saying that No one knows what a
Day may bring forth. 1t is mighty
fortunate for Stanley that the spring
didn't contain whale and . crocodile
or Neutrality-suspicious. Herald.
The English Journal of Education
prints the following as bona fide an
swers to questions set in recent ex-
aminatiOns: ''William Pitt began life
by playing the cornet in the Blues"
Dryden was man in high position,
Pope lower, Johnson was still lower.
johnson was frequenter Of the Cock
Tavern in the Strand" ''Zacharias and
Elizabeth had son named John.
When he grew older he had his head
cut off to please young lady"
An old farmer from Tazeweu County
came aboard Chicago & Alton train
the other day and happened to step into
the chair car. '.Now this beats 'em
all, he remarked, as he looked about
him in astonishment. ''Tve heerd tell
on sleepin' cars an feedin' cars and all
them high toned fiXins, but this is the
first time | ever sot eyes on q Shawn
car. Say, young Teller, where's the
barber. I'm goin' up to Chicago tc
see my darter Jane, an | believe I'll
git my h'ar cut. y Chicago Herald.
On an Arkansas railway train q pas.
senger calls the conductor and says:
ut seems to take some time" Yes
they are rather slow tonight" ''Why
don't you burn coal so you wouldn'
have to stop and wood up?" 1--WE do
burn coal" Then what are you stop
ping here for?" '.Oh, [ didn't under
stand you when you said it took 'em
some time. We are waiting for The
II