Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-05-14
DEAF.
How Peter Duffy Was Saved From Going
Into the Army.

During the darker DAYS Of the war,
when its holiday features had given
| place to genuine blood and universal
sorrow; when the dazzling uniforms
had been dragged through the mud
and dust of many campaigns, and the
soil of every southern state had swal-
lowed up the dear dust of brothers and
sons, and when the roll of drums and
the flash of swords no longer won new
recruits to deaths grim carnival, there
came the draft, with all of the horrors,
| but none of the dearly bought glcry of
volunteer service.
Peter Duffy. an Irish blacksmith,
with young wife and q large family
of helpless little children, was among
the first in southern Wisconsin to draw
a sorrowful prize. He felt that he alb
solutely could not go. He tried every
way to evade the call to certain death,
but met with nothing but chagrin, rid
icule and defeat.
One day, Hon. James n Earnest
was speaking in the state senate, when
a messenger came and told him that
man outside the senate chamber wished
to see him. Owing TO some misunder-
standing, Mr.. Duff was ushered into the
room. He had good deal of hair,
which he allowed to grow in wild pro-
fusion. He did not hold himself re-
sponsible in any way for that hair. His
head looked like an old hair mattress
that had been turned wrong side out
by cyclone and deserted by its friends.
He became the cynosure of all eyes.
| The speech lost its interest and came
to close.
Now, Peter" said Mr.. Earnest,
whats the matter with you?"
''Sinator, I'm kilt, I'm 4 cold carpse.
Me wife is wildly. They do have me
grated, Jim. There's only half a
MOLE bechune me and PARADISE. |
want you to see the President, or Jiff
Davis, or Gineral MickLillan, or some
of thin byes and save me loife. If We
can't do it, Jim, I'm CORN oop, and me
wife is a Weepin' wildly bound for the
poor house beyant. Hip me out, SIN
ator. Pass a bill making it tilony on
the hoigh SAFE to graft an Irish orpan
into this gineral massacree. Do that,
Jim, and I'll pray for We all me loife,
and the Lord knows you made it, too,
and I'll do all yer blacksmithin' at half
proice."
Mr., Earnest thought all those things
were impracticable.
Peter" said he, ''you seem to be
elected by an overwhelming majority
and I'm afraid your resignation would
not be accepted. Unless you fail to
pass the medical examination, you'll
have to 90, | guess"
Then Mr.. Duffy thought of some
thing.
"Sinator, to tell the trooth, l can't
hear very well meSelf. Whin [ was an
apprentice, a red mool knocked the
dayloights out of me and impaired me
| listener"
Mr.. Earnest had never noticed this,
but he really didn't want to see Duffy
90, and in the kindness of his heart he
encouraged the idea little. He even
went over to see DR.. Hoyt at Camp
Randall, and while they made some
scientific experiments with lemons and
sugar and spirits, he drew the CONVEX
satIOn toward Mr.. Duffy.
The next day Mr.. Earnest told Peter
to come down to the Park Hotel and
visit him at his room. At the appoint
ed hour Senator Earnest produced a
list of questions and told Mr.. Duffy
|
satisfactorily. Patiently they set to
work like class of students who have
secretly secured a list of queries prior
to the day of examination. Every day,
after the legislative session had closed,
Mr.. Earnest would repair to his room
in company with Mr.. Duffy, and they
would 90 through the rehearsal. Fin
ally, the time for Duffy's examination
came, and Senator Earnest had to 90
to Camp Randall to assist. A question
would be propounded to Peter, and he
would turn with great gravity and
earnestness to MIR. Earnest, who sat by
him, and ask:
"What do he say Jim?' Then Jim
would bawl the question into Dufy's
off ear The examination went on first
trying to keep straight face. Finally
caught the impostor. DR.. Hoyt turned
with great disgust to the other exam
lining surgeons and said:
Gentlemen, we don't want this
bump on log. He can't hear any
thing. think we had better leave the
blankety-blank wooden-head at home,
where his family can attend to him and
see that he don't miss the resurrec-
tion.n
This was said in low tone of voice
to catch the unwary Irishman, but
slowly he turned to Senator Earnest
and gravely inquired:
''What do he say. Jim?'
Then Earnest, red in the face with
suppressed emotion, beloved into
lDufy's best ear:
''The-doctor- you-can't-
hear anything, He-thinks you
had better-stay -here-where-
family -can--c all-your- attention
to-the-resurrecti bill Nye, IN
NeW York Mercury.