Weekly Chillicothe crisis. (Chillicothe, Livingston Co., Mo.) 1878-19??, 1885-04-09
The Ham Sandwich.

cighteen knots. Giasgow Herald
The Ham Sandwich.
The ham sandwich is I'm institution
of comparatively modern times. The
Bible speaks of Ham, It's true, but noi
the kind we encounter between the
slabs of bread and biscuit of this nine
tcenth century.
Poets have sung the praises of woman
aud wine, but until now no writer has
eXtolled the merits of the ham sand
wich, or tried to elevate it to that
higher sphere where it properly be-
longs in the esteem Of the community.
Where it first lived, moved and had
its being, am unable at this moment
to tell, there being no reliable author
ity upon the subject, but it probably
firSt saw the light of day somewhere
in New England, and the man who
first conceived the brilliant idea of a
ham sandwich, should have his
name preserved in the pickle of un-
dying glory, and have a race horse or
prairie city named after him to per-
pctuatc his memory.
1t has taken Il stronghold upon tho
appetite and affections Of its country
men, and in return the appetite of Il
grateful nation takes strong hold
upon it-whCn they cannot get any
thing better 1t is the friend of rich
and poor alikc-the savior of the poor
ly-paid clerk, laborcr and mechanic,
and ii is the shrine at which the free
lunch tiend and lmpccunious sport
smack their lips in worship. 1t is the
life and soul OF the picnic and sur
prise party and fishing excursions. 1t
plays an important part in the ro-
nance of every man who carries
lunch, and at the gay and festive wake
it is always welcome visitor.
Over the ham sandwich and glass
OF beer the aristocrat unbcnds the
knee of dignity and lovingly wipes his
nose across the face of his plcbian
brother, as in peace and love they dis.
cuSS the current topics of the day, and
| think that with proper training and
education it could be made to act as 4
kind of mediator or Peace Congress in
welding warlikc nations together in a
bond of peace and mutual love.
1t long ago took the place of the
newspaper in supplying the "long-felt
want" and while the patent outside
turns up its toes and its nose grows
cold in death, the people of this free
and glorious country will sing its
phrases and shout, "long may it
wave
Its immense popularity has caused
the demand to exceed the supply At
least have found II so in all boarding
houses at which have ever lived
Inscriptions parties have tried TO
east Il slur upon its fair name by plac-
ing upon the market base imitation.
At the railway restaurant they gave
us, as the simon pure article of the old,
original Jacobs stamp, only Il plaster
Paris biscuit, between the slices of
which ncstleS n thin silver Of common
red brick. The attention of our lcgiS-
latorS should at oEcc be called to this
evil, for if it continues, many OF us
who may yet be shining lights in So
cioty aud states prison will die of what
the doctors call phthisis psoriasis,
(hog Latin for know not what.)
This is an age of deceit, and fraud
stalks abroad throughout the land at
tired in the Sccrsucker coat and plug
hat of Innocence. Our whisky is dilu-
ted with kerosene and fusil oil, our
Goldfish balls are not up to the stand
ard of what Il Goldfish ball ought to
be, or was in the good old days of
General jackson and cheap rum. In
fact nearly every article of bric-a-brac
that Is swallowed up in the grave of
the human stomach is stuffed full of
total deDravity But, great heavens!
readers, when they descend so low as
to fiddle with the purity of that great
emblem of American ingenuity, pro-
grcSs and appetite, the ham sandwich,
it is time for you and and every
other genuine hog to get up and howl
with anguish. 1t is \ direct blow at
the most sacred of our institutions,
and slap in the face of advancing
civilization, and am glad that tho
President has taken into his Cabinet
man who will be kcenly alive to the
welfare and interests ofour "Intcrior'
Department.
The man, who for the sake of gain
ing few paltry millions, will delib-
cratcly place upon the market such a
fraud as the railroad ham sandwich
ought to be compelled to eat one
aye, even two of them.
The Bible asserts that it was stone
with which David put Goliath out in
the first inning. This proves that the
ham sandwich has not been handed
down to us rs n relic of the dark ages,
for had the railroad sandwich shen
been established, David would never
have selected stone with which TO
lay the giant out.
Having, trust, placed it upon tho
footing where it properly belongs, l
modcstly make my bow and retire
upon my laurels won as its champion
whooper-up.-Gcorge Swart'0out IN
D..Jf