davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
Josh Billings Philosophy.

The following selection from the dead hu-
| morists writings will give fair dea of his
style of thinking and saying:
To make light bread--do as tue bakers do
call ounces pound.
Piety IL like beans, it seems to do the best
on poor sie.
To learn your offsprings TO steal-make
them beg hard for all that you give them.
Tew remove grease from mans karakter
let him strike sum sudden lie.
Angels handle the dice when doublels are
thrown into the cradle.
Flattery is like colone water, lew be smelt
ov. not swallowed
If q man haint got well balanced head |
like tew see lin part his hair in the mid
die.
There is only one good substitute for the
endearments ov sister and that is the en-
dearments ov sum other phellow's sister.
Going 10 law liz like SHINING new milk
COW for her hide and giving the beef tew the
lawyers.
About the hardest thing phellow kan do
IL tew spark lew girls at onst and preserve a
good average.
had rather undertake tew be two good
doves than one decent sarpent
good wife IL sweet smile from heaven.
lie IL like kat-it never Gums few YOU
III a straight line.
1t is better to no less than to kno so much
that amt sow.
A broken reputashun is like broken vase ;
it may be mended, bat always shows where
the krak was.
lfyou kant trust man for the full amount
let him skip. This trying to get an average
on honesty has always been failure.
There is no treachery in silence silence is
n hard argument to heat
Don't mistake habits for karacter. The
men ov the most karacter have the fewest
habits.
There IL cheats in all things even pizon
IL adulterated
The man who is thoroughly polite, liz two
thirds ov Christian emmy how
Kindness IL an instinkt, politeness only an
art.
Thare IL great deal Ov learning in this
world, which liz nothing more than trieing TO
prove what we don't understand.
One ov the biggest mistakes made yet IL
make by the man who thinks he IL temperate
just because he puts more water in his
whiskey than his neighbor does.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
The Paper Age.

Paper and Press.
The iron age must beware. The paper
age is after it. Sclentsts-always short
sighted folk-began to look upon the paper
age as nearing its close. Poor soul Paper
bags and paper boxes made them smile :;
paper boats, paper barrels and paper wheels
gave them Il chill III the dorsal region paper
collars and paper handkerchieis set them
hemming and having; paper bottles, paper
tea caddies and paper chimneys created quite
tlutter in so. called scientific circles; :" paper
timber and paper flooring rendered them
rather uneasy paper shirt fronts and paper
slippers broke them down entirely. But The
end is not yet. We are, in reality, only Just
entering upon the border, so to speak, OF the
genuine paper age. In u few short years, in
our paper shirts and paper trousers, we shall
sit down to our paper tables upon our paper
chairs, and drink our coffee out of paper
cups, and cut our eggs with paper spoons
When we go out ola morning, We shall
make ready our paper shoes, paper overcoat,
paper gloves, paper umbrella or paper cane,
and paper hat +; kiss the baby happy in his
paper pinafore, trip lightly down the paper
sidewalk to our paper carriage, and start
down town, stopping at the club for an EYE
opener" out OF "a paper wine cup, and then
continue our noiseless ride over the paper
pavement, stopping once more possibly, to
order the latest paper novelty for our better
half Oh, no, We wise men, the end of the
paper age is not yet.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
Stay Out of the Kitchen.

A careful housewife, upon entering her
kitchen said to the colored cook:
Great goodness, Jane, you must be more
careful. You are not clean enough in your
cooking" wa
Lady" replied the cook, as she took up a
piece OF beef that had fallen on the floor, II
sees dat yer's gwine ter act foolish wild me,
Amt yer got nothin' ter do 'cept ter fool
roun' out heah ?"
ITS my business to come out here occa.
sionally."
: All right den, hab it your own way, but
wanter say one thing. Eff yer wants Ter
Joy vessel at de table an eat wit er coming
appetite yer'd better stay outen this kitchen.
Yes" she added as she wiped dish with
dirty rag, ''yer'd better not nose roun' bcah.
fur cookin is er business wild me- an when
er pusson is 'gagedin business, foolishness is
awful troublesom. "--ArkanSaa0 TSureler,
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
An Every Day Occurrence,

Once upon Il time Donkey fell into deep
hole, and, after nearly starving, caught sight
ola passing fox, and implored the stranger to
help him OUT.
Il am too small to aid said the fox, but |
will give you some good advice. Only few
rods away is big, strong elephant Call to
him and he will get you out in jitfy.
After the fox had gone the donkey thus
reasoned to himself; am very weak for
want ofnourishment. Every move make
is just so much additional loss of strength
If raise my voice to call the elephant |
shall be weaker yet No, Twill not waste
my substance that way. 1t is the duty of the
elephant to come without calling.
So the donkey settled himself back and
eventually starved to death.
Long afterwards the fox on passing the
hole saw within it a whitening skeleton, and
remarked; Ifit be true that the souls OF
animals are transmigratcd into men, thai
donkey will become one of those merchants
who can never afford to advertise Philadel
phia CAL.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
-"My dear Miss So

My dear Miss" said an idle fop,
"why have you not taken advantage of Tie
leap-year TO get married ?" Because" was
the reply, 81 am not yet able to earn enough
to support husband"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
The Great King.

There was once member of Parliament
who had got into habit ofalways putting his
hand into his coat, and pulling at the strings
at the back of his waistcoat while he was
speaking A rival who had noticed this trick,
one day when the other was going to make
great speech, managed to cut the strings
off 1t is said that the poor man got up,
began his speech, put back his hands to pull
the waistcoat strings, found they were gone,
lost the thread of his rgument-began again,
coughed, stammered, stuck, and at last sat
down, covered with confusion, Ring habit
was too strong for him. He had got in the
way of pulling his waistcoat strings when he
spoke, and without them he could not get on.
This was only silly habit, but habits that
are bad are formed in the same way, and rule
over us in like manner; therefore we ought
to take care what kind of kings we are set
ting upon the throne.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
The Winter Flower Garden.

1t is not the good fortune of every one to
be able TO afford green house for the growth
of flowers in winter. But no one need be
without small collection of easily grown
plants, and nothing adds more to the charm
| OF u Giving room" than few pots of these
reminders of summer at the window. They
| require some care, to be sure, but so does
every thing worth having, and to those who
are fond OF flowers their fragrance and beau
ty are ample compensation for the trouble
they cause. But part at least of that tIou-
BILE may be lightened by proper arrangements
for their accommodation, and one of the
ways in which this may he accomplished is
suggested by Ben. Perley Poore in one of his
Farm Talks in Tie american Cultigator
He says:
The greatest obstacle to success in the cul-
tivation Of house plants, in rooms heated by
furnaces or stoves, is the dryness OF the air.
his may, in Il measure, be overcome by a
table suitably constructed, and the selection
OF plants best adapted to dry atmosphere.
The table, as have seen it described, should
be the length of the window, and two or
three feet wide, the boards being tongued and
grooved. Around the edge nail strip three
inches wide, making the corners fit tight.
The liable is then 10 be filled with two inches
of clean white sand. A layer of nice green
hioss Oh Tue saDu not only retains ana gives
of moisture, but has an elegant effect, in con-
trast with the brick red of the flower pots and
the usual colors of the furniture.
With Il table of this kind the foliage of
the plants can be frequently spIinkled with
water which keeps them clean and promotes
their health; the drippings and surplus water
are caught and absorbed by the sand, and the
floor of the room is thus kept clean; the sand
indeed, ought to be kept constantly wet, even
watered for this purpose if necessary. The
evaporation from the sand will diffuse itself
among the plants and through the room, and
thus overcome, in a small degree, one of the
chief obstacles 10 the successful culture of
plants in rooms.
The flower-stands in common use are al
together unfit for room, as the surplus
water dead leaves, ETC., tall to the floor, injur-
ing the carpet, and giving the room all untidy
appearance. The table above described is
free from these objections, besides having
positive advantages for the successful growth
of plants which no ordinary f1ower-sland can
possess. 1t should be fitted with rollers, to
facilitate the operation of watering and clean
ing the plants, and also for the purpose of
moving it back from the window during cold
nights. Such table, supplied with bright
and fresh plants, will enliven any room and
make the long winter days, now at hand,
pass pleasantly.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
VARIETIES.

The first steam engine on this continent
was brought from England in 1853
1t is fact worth remembering that it
does not take half so long to make wound
as to heal one.
The discovery of what is true and the
practice of what is good are the most impor-
tart objects of philosophy.
AS to luck and laziness: When luck
knocks at the door, it often finds the man in
side too lazy to lift the latch.
"A Philosopher who had married an ig-
norant girl used to call her "brown sugar"
because she was sweet, but unrefned.
I'm time of peace prepare for war" said
the young man about TO be married, and he
Immediately went and had his hair cropped
close to the skull.
"A man who puts aside his religion be.
cause he is going into society is like one TAX
ing on his shoes because he is about TO walk
upon thorns
Said Brougham, when he was strug-
Cling lawyer; Circumstances alter cases
but wish could get hold of some leases
that would alter my circumstances"
Mr.. Smiley Better let me carry the
poodle, my dear, and you can carry the
baby" Mrs. Smiley mo, no; you can
carry the baby. l cannot trust you with
Gyp, you might drop him."
why, Allie dear, is that the way to be-
gin your dinner" asked the mother of her
little daughter, as she began the pie instead
of the potatoes with gravy" "Well, l de-
clare, mamma, was going to eat my dinner
upside down, wasn't 2"
-"What are the things that touch us most
as we look back through the years ?" asked
female lecturer, impressivey. There was
a moments awful pause, and then small boy
In the audience answered, "Our clothes"
-"You, said you didn't care what sort of a
domestic | sent you"
LADY, didn't say that know"
AS to color, mean"
Yes, l remember, did. Either black or
while, said"
We'll, | filled the stipulation, didn't II"
mo. The one you sent me is green"
Miss Clara "Can you tell the names of
the different stars and consultations, Mr..
Featherly?" Featherly: ooh, YES. There
is the north star and the evening star and The
Great Gre, Bear and the Little Dipper and the
MILKY Way, and all the rest. Oh, yes.'
Miss Clara: 1.-THE Great Bear is called Ursa
Major. is it not" Featherly: "Oh, YOU
mean do know their botanical names? I'm
ashamed to confess do not"
Mrs. Peterby was reading to her little
son about the North Pole and the Esqui.
mauX:
The Esquimaux are not remarkable for
neatness and cleanliness, as they neither wash
themselves nor their children more than once
a year"
"oh, ma" said Mrs. Peterby's little bow,
how wish you were an Esqui ma and pa
was an Esqui-pa! Them's the kind of par.
ents need"
-"Hark was that murder?" said the guest
OF Brooklyn man as they sat in the library
enjoying their after dinner cigar. Il didn't
hear It," replied the host. "Why, there it
goes again, only it sounds now more like a
cyclone IN the cellar" The host put his ear
10 .ne speaking-tube leading to the kitchen
and listened moment. Then he said: ooh
that's nothing it's only my wife blowing up
tle servant girl for not telling you to wipe
your feet ON the front-door mat instead of the
hall carpet when you came in"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
A Word to BOYS.

Boys, you are made to be kind, generous,
magnanimous. If there is boy in school
who has club-foot, don't let him know you
ever saw it. If there is poor boy with rag
ged clothes, don't talk about rags in his
hearing. If here is Il lame boy, assign him
some part in the game that does not require
running. If there is a hungry one, give him
part of your dinner. If there is a dull one,
help him to get his lesson. If there is a
bright one, be not envious of him for if one
boy is proud Of his talents, and another be
envious of them, there are two great wrongs,
and no more talent than before. If a larger
orstronger boy had injured you, and is sorry
for it, forgive him. All the school will show
by their countenances how much better it
is than to have great fuss.-Horace Mann.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11

Let me write the ballads OF nation
said visa man, and | care not who makes
its laws"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
SPECIAL.

- desire to notify Canned Goods Packers that
am prepared to secure Cans, Cases, &C., at lowest
figures and inside of Association Prices, and also
solicit orders or Consignments of Canned Goods,
Seeds. &C., to be placed to best advantage and In
interest of employers O., to patrons advantage,
giving customers benefit of my special advantages
Address LouIs GEESE, 81 Chamber of Commerce,
Baltimore, Md
for 'Naily quotations for grain, &c. 3ap1y
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
Terms-sI.so a Yoar, In Adyanc,
Rnetical.
NOBLESSE OBLKGE.

If / am weak and you are strong,
Why then, why then,
To you the Drawer deeds belong;
And so again.
II you have gifts and have none,
If l have shade and you have sun,
Ills yours with freer hand to give,
Ills yours with truer grace to live,
Than /, who giftless, sunless stand,
With barren life and hand.
We do not ask the little brook
To turn the wheel;
Unto the larger stream we look.
The strength of keel
We do not ask from silken bands,
Nor heart of oak in willow wands;
We do not ask the wren to go
Up to the heights the eagles know;
Nor yet expect the lark's clear note
From out the doves dumb throat.
Ills wisdom's law, the perfect code,
By love inspired;
OF him on whom much is bestowed
Is much required.
The tuneful throat is bid to sing
The oak must reign the forests king;
The rushing stream the wheel must move
The beaten steel its strength must prove.
TITS given unto the eagles eyes
10 face the midday skies.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1885-12-11
The Superior Girl.

"where are you going to, my pretty maid ?"
I'm going to lecture, sir" she said.
MAY come with you, my pretty maid ?"
You won't understand 1t, sir" she said.
what is the subject, my pretty maid ?"
1.-THE final extinction of man." she said
"Then you won't marry, my pretty maid?'
superior girls never marry" she said.
= T0yOnfO JIeft
The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1885-10-24
Winter DairYing,

1t is most profitable TO be doing bust
ness when most other people are idle.
This applies especially to dairying. So
few dairymen can make first class butter,
and SO few can, or will take the pains
to pack it perfectly, that the demand for
fire butter during the winter, is greater
than can be supplied. The winter dairy
man is now about beginning business. His
cows have been resting during the hot
weather, in the shade of wood-lot.
while he has been busy with his crops,
and now that he has these all secured,
his late fodder and roots prepared, and
his fall pastures in the finest order, he
is ready to begin butter making, with
every advantage in his favor. The
summer dairyman has been worrying
through the heat, consuming ice at
great cost, and has succeeded only In
getting second quality of butter, which
will sell twenty-five to fifty per cent less
than that fresh-made in winter. The
necessities for winter dairying are few,
and are easily provided. They are:
fresh cows, coming in about September;
plenty of good hay and fodder, with
roots and supplementary food, which is
cheaper now than at any other time,
because it is in season, and is abundant
an airy dairy house, warmed to an even
temperature by stove, avoids every
difficulty, and the dairyman is in full
control of everything needed for the
best management OF his business, ,insttad
of fighting flies, ,torrid heats, dry weather,
and every other difficulty,as in summer.
Am. AgricuItuy'ist.
The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1885-10-24
No Pate nt-No Pay.
PATENTS

obtained for Inventors in the United States
Canada and Europe. at reduced rates. With
our principal ONCE located In Washington,
directly opposite the United states Patent
Once, we are able to attend TO all patent
business with greater prOmptne,s and de
sI'atch aud at less cost than other patent ~
torneys who are at q distance from wash.
ingIOn, and who have, therefore, to employ
: associate attorneys We make preliminary
examinations and furnish opinions ~ 70 pe.
tentability, free Of charge. and all who are
interest cd IN new inventions and rateAtG are
invited 10 send for copy OF eur 'tiuide for
Obtaining Patents," which 10 sent free 10
any address. and contains eoni lsts instPue-
tlons how o ebtAin patents and other valua-
hle matter. We refer to the 0erman- Amer.
lean National Bank WRRhtnRtOn, ID. q. the
Royal Swedish, Norwegian and Danish LeRA
tions, at Washington Hon, Jos. casey. late
Ohtei lHatiee u. S. Court Of Claims; TO the
Oliolals OF the u, 5 Patent once, and "a
Senators and Members Of Congress from
every Sthta.
Addressi LOUIS BAG0ERk CO., Be
lieltOrs OF Patents and AttorneygatLAW Iso-,
DrOii Building WAsHiReToN. ID. q.
The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1885-10-24
When In the Wrong Channel

The bile wreaks greyious injury. Head.
aches, constipation, pain in the liver
and stomach, jaundice, nausea ensue.
A few doses of Hostetter's Stomach
Bitters will reform these evils and pre-
vent further injury. 1t is a pleasant
aperient, its action upon the bowels be-
ing unaccompanicd by gripping. The
liver is both regulated and stimulated
by it, and as it is very impolitic to dis
regard disorder of that organ, which
through neglect may culminate in
dangerous congestion and hepatic alb
Scess, the Bittcrs should be resorted to
1t an early stage. Failure to do this
renders a contest with the malady more
protractel. Fever and ague, rheuma-
tism, kidney ami bladder troubles, are
remelied by this fine medicine, and the
increasing infrmaties of age mitigated
by it. 1t may be also used in GONZALES
cence with Vantage, as it hastens the
restoration of vigor.
The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1885-10-24
The Six Kinds Of KiSSts!
BY L. L. D..

Kissing is very ancient and honor
able custom, and the boys and girls all
like it immensely, especially the boys,
though the girla can make good time
IL.
Kissing can be INDUCED in at all
hours of the day or night, but the best
kisses, those that have the most style
about them, are those that come off in
The cleaning, or before the candles are
lit. We've been there, and will lay two
to one on this. There is great deal of
art in kissing. You don't want to go at
it as if you were sharpening buzz-saw
or chasing a hen into a coop. Draw
the kisses gently towards you and then
well, if not, as it were, so to speak
JeruSalem.
Little women are the best ones to
Kiss. Not that their lips are any sweet
er than the lips of the tall girl but then
you have to bend your face down and
they have to turn their faces up, and
there's heap more style about that
kind of kiss than going at it level.
Some girls make heap of fuss over a
kiss-even over a very little one--and
20 and tell their mothers. Such girls
don't deserve to be kissed.
Half the fun in kissing, is doing it on
the sly, and the girls know it. A girl
who won't kiss on a sly, doesn't know
what fun is. But most girls do know
what fun is. We have been consider
ing the science of kissing and have
come to the conclusion that all kisses
can be classed under one or other of the
six heads, viz: Fla, Jitzz, .fzzy.1azz,
smack, handy-SHack, and rdttier. The
gir.s say the TattlerS are the best. Kiss
.ng will never go out of fashion as long
Is boys and girls are alive. 1t is toe
good an institution TO become lost art,
The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1885-10-24
COLUMN.
Kicklng Cows-cure Them !!

Cows will kick--some of them; and
heifers with their first calves, are expert
at it. An unhandled, "ungentled" COW,
takes to kicking, as Leghorn hens do to
scratching. The calf should be placed
ON the cows left side, and encouraged
TO suck, but whether 1t does SO or not,
let the milker at once begin to milk.
Saving the milk is Of no Importance, so,
If the heifer is nervous, keep the pail
away, and milk OH the ground. II she
kicks, sOOthe her, and begin again. Do
not let her think her kicking has any
effect. A rail may be placed so that
kicking may be disagreeabie perform
ance, and sometimes a COW may be
placed close to rail fence, which de-
tends the rnilker fromthe blows of really
vicious kicker, and the milking still go
on. The COW will ordinaryily yield to
circumstances, and stand still after a
while; at least, the pressure Of the milk
in the udder, which may cause infam-
nation, can thus be relieved. If the
COW continues nervous, and will not be
pacifed, the thing to do to tie or strap
her legs. This may be done with light
rope like BEDFORD. 1t is passed once
around the left leg below the book, tied
by "half-hitch" (half knott, then
twisted few times, and another hitch
turned in it, and finally passed around
the right leg, and tied in bow-knot, sc
that it can be quickly united. A COW 81
tiel can not kick, but she is almost SURF
to take short steps backward, and wher
she gets to the end of her tie-strap, o.
back as far as she can go in thu
stanchions, her hind legs may be strained
far back, and as her position is yer!
unsteady one, she may fall down. II
prevent this,a rope may be passed twic,
around the tie-rope, carried forward, ant
fastened to the manger. This will pre-
vent the backing, the COW will probabl,
soon give up, and stand quietly.-Am
AgriculturiSt.