Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1885-07-31
REV. SAM JONES.
His Last Sermon at Murfreesboro

Brother Jones said he had becl
asked 10 explain what he meant las
night by saying repentance was /
condition Of faith, which he did in 1
few words; took /. Thessalonians
fifth chapter, sixteenth, seventeenth
and eighteenth verses.
How would the average preacher
explain that text? He'd say il meant
that ''the heteronoXcicossity OF the
Unprecedented ambldexterosity subten.
dcd the c0nglomcrosity ofparadoxica
pompnsity," or words TO that effect
| Great laughlerl. The Christian who
had praclica comprehension ofthat
text was all right.
There were different grades or de-
grees in the church, as in Masonry,
We had the Entered Apprentices,
Fellow Craftsmen and Master MasOns
Some, even acknowledged members,
never got beyond the first or second
degree.
THE LITTLE ENTERED APPRENTICE
CHRISTIAN
only "joins and gifts baptized" That's
all he knows about it. lie goes on
doing nothing, as he always had
done. Oh, but I'm afraid of those
little fellows at the last day-men
who do nothing for God or man.
Those are the sort, Brother McFearin
(turning to that minister), you feed
on soothing syrup and rock TO sleep
in the cradle. Laughter. Poor lit
tie trundle-bed Christians! Renew
ed laughter. How is 1t with the
average membership in all the
churches! You have forty entered
apprentices, twenty lclOw.crailsmcn,
aud about ten regular grown-up
master masOns. Sensation. Oh,
you little, narrow, insignificant Chris
tians! You need
GOD ALMIGHTY's OLD wILLAPUs.wAL-
LAPUs
TO run over you and flatten and
broaden you out! Great laughter. |
You never get outside the narrow
smoke-circle that rises from your own
little dirt. chimney. "0h | fined the
church-j'ined the church twenty
years ago." is all they know and
about all they can say. I've fined
the church, mimicingl 1 have.
Laughter, Hes satisfied to sitdown
and fold his hands. His little cup is
full! Hes like man who starts
West in his old OX-wagon. The
second night he stops, he goes back
to where lie canped the night before
for a chunk of fire, aud 50 on the
second and third. lie carries roth
ing within him, and never gets out o.
sight of home. Laughter lie
hasn't gone half mile in twenty
years. lie never prays in his family
nor at church. Oh, no!
Brother Jones described his con-
tempt for the Christian who occupies
four seats on Pullman, or in the
sleeper" with free pass in his
pocket, then curls up and goes to
sleep the entire way.
THE FELLow-CRA MEMBER
never does anything unless he "feels
like IT," lie is moved only by his
feelings" and thinks it hypocrisy TO
do anything unless he "feels like it,"
Sister, you got up this morning made
your fire in the stove and got break
fast. You didn't feel like getting out
of bed, did you? And you weren't a
hypocrltc while getting out, were
you? You deserved all the more
credit for going to work, feeling bad
all the while, now didn't you?
Lord have mercy OH these little fell
low-crafty Christians! Laughter. |
Why, bless you, brother, a dog will
chase rabbit if he feels like il; and
if he don't he won't. Laughter. !
You ought to
GO TO RUNNING RABBITS,
since you are not good for anything
else. Laughter. There are plenty
ofthat sort in Murfreesboro. haven't
called your names, but you can apply
1t TO yourselves. You know your
numbers! Renewed laughter.
Brethren Cunning to the local
preachers), you'll never have pros
porous church till you get rid ofsuch
cattle. Brother Warren here will
have 10 establish photograph gallery,
or turn book agent [laughter] if lie
stays much longer with the Cumber-
lands! He's getting precious little
now-$6OO. Don't grumble at his
preaching; he's giving you the full
value OF your money. Laughter. !
don't know why you are
HIRING so MANY OLD BACHELOR
preachers, unless because they come
cheap! [Great laughter. They'll
stick to you bachelor preachers till
you marry. Laughter Oh, they'll
ship you Ito Mr.. Ramsey) in twelve
months! [Renewed laughter. Pm
not prescribing for you Presbyterians.
You are known to be the
TUNE-IIsTERs on FINANCE.
Laughter throughout the audience. |
Assess yourself right now and give
Brother Warren 81 800. Give Brother
Dinwiddie $1,000! He's getting
enough now, but his wife and six
children ought to have something to
live on. Laughter.l You will never
get the best out Of your preachers at
the rate you are paying. No horse
ever made 2:40 OH wheat straw.
Great laughter. l went TO your
Fair Grounds the other day to see
the thoroughbreds in training there.
like to look at a good horse! like
to see them improved, and only wish
there were some means of improving
the human race. Laughter.
have but one objection to the human
race, and that is my objection to
THE LITTLE SCAMP WHO BETS.
You little, old rotten thing; you
pest of society. an bet this, III bet
that (mimicing his speaking voice
and Manner amid laughter and ap-
plause)
Oh, you little "betting man." III
were you I'd get great big dog hide
sew myself up in it, get two more feet,
leave the tail on to the hide-and go |!
Immense laughter.
But where is prettier sight than a
fine moving horse or splendid Jer-
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