News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-05-14
WIT AND WISDOM.

DOMESTIC pursuits-Chasing the mai
of the house with broomstick.
THE fellows who are waiting for tn
office to seek the man are getting awful,
tired.-Iero8 Sfftings.
IT is bachelor who always know
how child ought to be brought up, bu
he forgot it after marriage.
Ell MAHD1 does very well for Egypt
but Niagara hackman makes bigge,
falls prophets in the season.
MIR. VANDERBILT says that he onl,
lost 81, 2,000,000 last year. This los,
would have driven some men out O
business.
IT is much harder work for a man Il
care for his children an hour and hal
while his wife is at church than to ru1
a fox all day. .
"PA," said young Sevenoff, "what il
whisky straight2" "Whisky's trait p
repeated old Sevefoff; crookedness, e,
son, crookedness."
PANAMA has had four Presidents since
the first of January. There is always
room at the top iu the politics of Cen.
tral American States.
A SINGER in Michigan college anx-
iously inquiries: "Why comes not my
lover to me?" Have you thought to
chain up the dog, dear girl?
New JERSEY sends wife -beaters to the
penitentiary for one year. 1t doubtless,
however, allows their wives to send
them goodies during their imprison-
ment.
AN exchange says Bismarck believes
that a bald head indicates plenty of
brains. On this side of the water bald
heads generally indicate the best seats in
the parquette.
WHEN a woman is giving her husband
bit of her mind he should try to imag-
inc what it would be like if he was a
Mormon and was having seventeen such
bits served up to him.
A NEW book is entitled Chow 1 Made
Money at Home" We advise our read
ers to have nothing to do with it. Three
men were arrested few days ago for
making money at home.
"ON Monday last the Vassar College
girls took observations of the sum-"
Well, 1t is dark day when the girls
don't take observations Of the son-if
they get the opportunity.
A BROOKLYN clergyman says that
liquors may soon be sold In skating
rinks, and then "the result will be dis
astrous." We should say so. It is
hard enough for sober man to stand
up.
A BEGINNER in Latin was asked to
translate a sentence which, properly
rendered, would have read, "Honey
redolent of age" But he preferred the
freer translation, "This honey smells
like time"
PROFESSOR at Columbia: "One can
not taste in the dark Nature intends
us to see our food" Student: "How
about a blind mans dinner?" Profess
zor. mature has provided him with
eye teeth, sir"
The Buffalo girls have gone crazy
over the good fortune predicted for
them by fortuue-teller. Fortune-tell-
ers cannot be too careful about leading
young girls to believe they will marry
newspaper men.
AN exchange advertises for ''good,
upright boiler" Boilers whose moral
character is entirely above aspersion are
scarce. There is apt to be too much of
the total depravity of inanimate
things" about them.
"YoU ought to come and see us every
evening, Mr.. Trotter." "Why, Johnny ?"
because it makes sister Rosa so happy
to have you go away. You ought never
to miss an evening" They missed
Trotter for the rest of that evening.
AN impatient Postmaster who some
time since rendered his resignation writes
to the department saying: 81 warn you
now that if you don't relieve me by next
Saturday night I'll pack up this concern
and ship it down to Washington by ex-
press, O. o. D."
THE wise youth does not care so much
for the ability and grace with which his
darling can glide around on roller skates
if he is satisfied that she knows how to
maui baking of dough into good bread
or can artistically chase boiled shirt
over a wash-board.
AN officer in the Twenty third Regi-
ment laughed at timid woman because
she was alarmed at the noise of the sham
battle in Prospect Park last fall. He
subsequently married that timid woman,
and last night he took off his boots in
the hall when he came in late.
"WHAr did the sparrow do yesterday?"
asks poetess. Well, dear, we think he
followed out bis usual scheme, which is
to-get up at + q. m.-hop around in the
cutters quarrel with his neighbors-
dig bait, not for fishing, but for amuse-
ment-take bath in the puddle quar-
rel the rest of the day-and retire at
about p. m. If you have any more
curiosity as to what he did you will have
to apply somewhere else, as this is all
the information we can give you.