News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1885-09-24
NOTHING LIKE LEARNING.

Snooks-'Yes, sir; believe in giving
my children the best education money
can buy. My father never spared no ex-
pense ON my schooling"
''De Taffe-''You will give them an
academic education, then?"
"Snooks-''Of course will. That's
what 1 got, and, if It takes every cent
have; all my boys and girls shall be
macademized. n-Phila. Call.
ALL WRONG.
The way the law stands now boy
has only to raise couple of dollars and
swear that he is eighteen years old and
a girl that she is sixteen in order to
plunge headlong into the sea on whose
shores some of our profoundest philoso-
pliers have stood around and have shiv-
cred until they were 81 or 80 years OF
age without daring to go in. This Is
all wrong. Lansing Republican,.
DID IT MECHANICALLY.
''Prisoner, you are charged with cut
ting out the glass, inserting bent in
strument, unscrewing the lock, and 60
ing into the store and helping yourslf to
the good. What do you say a''
81 did it, Judge, l know, but l was
absent minded l did it mechanically
"You are too good a mechanic to
be loose. One year. Chicago Herald.
TROUBLED WITH INsoMAIA.
Gentleman ''You look tired and
worn out, Uncle Rufus"
Uncle Rufus-''Yes, sab, is. I doan
git no sleep"
''No sleep2''
''No, sab. Dis darky can't git no
sleep in de watermillion season. IN z.
Sun.
OUGHT TO ADVERTISE.
"Say," said the editors smart little
son, as he entered store; "do you keep
knives ?' ooh, yes," responded the
storekeeper; "we've kept them for
years" ''Well, returned the boy, start
ing for the door, ''you ought to adver-
tise, and then you wouldn't keep 'em so
long. ."-NorristOto Herald.
DRIFTING APART.
A Boston writer thinks that the sexes
are drifting apart. We hold that this
depends on circumstances. When mother
suddenly brings light into dark par
but there seems to be an affinity, as it
were, when the lights are turned down
low or are extinguished, which drifts
the sexes together again.
ONCE MORE.
The same old thing has happened
again-this time in Washington. Man
went to a newspaper Office to thrash the
editor, but the programme got mixed and
he got thrashing himself with COM
pound interest added. Thrashing the
editor is contract that should always
be sublet. philadelphia Press.
NOT THAT WAY.
A girl will sing and girl will dance,
and Girl will work crochet; but she
can't throw a stone and hit church be-
cause she amt built that way.-Ly7'''
Union.
DAsHEs.
CARE YOU afraid of the dark?"
asked mother Of her little daughter.
Il was once, mamma, when l went into
the dark closet to get tart" 'What
were you afraid off" 81 was afraid /
couldn't find the tart.
A WOMAN cured her husband of stay
ing out late at night by going to the
door when he came home and whisper
ing through the keyhole: '.ls that you,
Willie2" Her husbands name is John,
and he stays home every night now.
''HAs my client any right2" asked a
counsellor, out of patience, of a brother
wrangler at the bar. 81 know not, y
was the response: "but one thing is GER
tain-when you get through with him
he'll have nothing left"
1.-THE best way of SOLDERING up is to
bathe the head and wrists in cold water
and take a portion of bromide of potas-
sium and aromatic ammonia or valer-
ian" Only one better; don't get
! drunk.
A HoBoKEN man thrust his fingers
into horses mouth to see how many
teeth it had, and the horse closed his
mouth to see how many fingers the mar
had. The curiosity of each was sat
isfied
''MY son, why is it that you are al
ways behindhand with your studlesF
because, if I were not behindhanc
with them, couldn't pursue them"
'FFEw men have honest convictions,
saws some one. This does not trouble
us as much as the fact that so many mel
have dishonest acquittals. .-Potck.
Mrs. SYLVAN sent to the city the othe
day for Zone of those ruta-baga hats.
The good woman wanted one OF thos
that turnip at the side.