West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1885-09-18
BRUCETON


ly interesting TO the human race in
general, l started ON this philanthro-
pic expedition in the direction Of
the hospitable residence of Mr.. and
Mrs. J. II. Feather last Thursday
evening. Having heard during the
day that there was to be held in the
hall Of said house rare and Xeord-
mary assembly to be called meet
inc of beJUr orprtts, l took Off my
plug hat and silver buckled shoes,
ami with pencil in hand, softly,
and apparently uunoticed, entered
their hallowed retreat and TO my
utter amazement l found them de-
iheratiug under the head Of mat
rimonial court.
Presently one man Crawford, q
shoe drummcr) who thought he was
sharper than the rest, rose up and
said, let this meetin' come TO order
Then they all sat down and opened
their mouths and quit breathing. The
sharp man then ordered the clerk,
(John Graham) who sat on the left
with his head elevated toward Mars,
TO call the roll. The string band
then played MY Grandfathor's
Mule" to- the delight of the sharp
man. Then came the discussion of
several interesting topics, and one
in particular, which seemed TO take
our fancy which was this: The sharp
man becoming uncOntrollably fact
mated with the beauty of the Bruce
ton bellies, proposed TO "Scotty" that
IL he would choose him betttr half
from among the ladies present he
would present the firm Of Scott Bros
with nine pair Of line shoes. Scotty
elatcd by tine fine offer and confident
OF success, sailed forth in quest of
one TO please the sharp man. And
p7esently.there stood before him
held by the arm TO prevent escape
we uppose)a red head d, cross eyed
slightly frackled old maid OF forty
five, with an incorrigibio wart on
the end Of her nose The sharp
man eyed her for a second and stood
eghast. lie recovered his breath
and wiped the cold sweat from his
brow ADD tried TO compromise with
Scotty for six pairs Of stogie shoes
and leave the maiden 60 the care Of
her physician for time. Scotty's
mind was fixed and he hung to the
dle shoes like grim death TO a dead
"nig1er." After many hard whcts
! pro and con. shoy agreed TO leave
it to the decision Of the court
Accordingly, attorney Bill Arm
strong then arose and with one Of
Bob IngcrsolTs old political speeches
attempted to defend the sharp man's
cause H. also spoke of Solom
md GJmorrah, they all being under
that head. Then Scoity appeared
FOR the lady. The energy and pa.
tbos of the little spider legged orator
cxtorted expressions Of admiration
from all, and for amoment seemed 90
/ pierce even the resolute heart OF the
sharp man. At length the little or
ator concluded. The jury OR.
7 Scott, John Graham and Irwin Bird
where eycrlastingly and eternal.
/ ~ to decide the question, The jury
after eating and drinking for one
hour, returned with their honest YER
dict against the sharp man. That
is to say, "from everlasting 70 ever
lasting and worlds without end
matrimoney. The sharp man then
stood up and raising his double dis
TILED voice until the arches Of the
spacious hall re-echocd with his ell q
oquence-Satd nothing and sat down
very abruptly. During all this in
teresting performance, the ladies
down in the lower end OF the hall,
out Of pity for the baltimore sharp
err" and being unaccustome3 10
such displays Of eloquence, excited
by the solemnoty of the occasion,
end perhaps not unwilling to dis
/ play their taste and sensibility, were
iu q state Of uncomfortable emotion.
Handkerchief we're pulled ont Smell
ling bottles were handed around and
some were said to be carried out iu
fts but we dno't believe 10 as we did
,t .l. tf