Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1885-03-06

ls
my boy" he often says, "you haven't an *
travagant nephew TO keep going as have.
And then he laughs till he nearly ohokes him
self, and have TO slap him on the back Il
bring him to. hate a man that laughs al
his own jokes. And Of an evening he drink
two tumbleTs Of hot gin and water, and ther
he throws his handkerchief (colored cotton
over his head and snores. Surely, il Walter
Dene was excusable in getting rid Of such q
comparatively inoffensive uncle as his,
should be more than justified in removing
mine. Aud then, again, there was nobody
to regret my uncle. Walter Dene's uncle
may have had any number OF other relations ;
II is clear that he had at least one other neph.
ew, because Walter had a brother. My un
Gle had not soul in the world to regret him
but myself, and IL was prepared to waive
my personal feelings, surely no one else had
any right TO interfere. OF course l am not
talking Of the legal aspect of the question.
II has always been my principle to let the
lawyers have as little a. possible to do with
my affairs. aud so delicate a matter as the
present must clearly be kept as remote ss
possible from legal complications. Lawyers
don't recognize that higher law, that subli.
mated expedienoy on which Walter Dene
founded bis course of action. Walter Dene
was fully satisfied Of the perfect propriety Of
his conduct, but he took good care notwith.
standing not 10 let the law into bis secret
and so must /.
And 40 must Il Good heavens! Was 1
actually planning the destruction of my in
nocent relative, from whom / had only that
morning received a check for G20. Perish
the thought Aud yet-there was Julia.
Her happiness surely, ought to be oonsid-
cred, and her happiness, or very large por-
tion of it, depended upon her being united
to me. SO that it really was not question
solely of my duty TO my uncle, but of my
duty to my uncle versus my duty to julia.
Aud then, myself surely was entitled to a
little consideration. As Walter Dene very
neatly puts 1t, Here was Christmas happi.
ness and his own on the one hand, set n the
scale against the feeble remnant of a selfish
old mans days on the other" For "Chris
tina" read Julia, and for ''his own" "tny
own" and there you are Then, again, ev.
cry one admits in these enlightened days
that the greatest happiness of the greatest
number is the true test of morality Julia
and l were clearly the greatest number, for
we were two to one. Really the arguments
all pointed one way.
tried to dismiss the matter from my mind,
but it wouldn't be dismissed argued the
matter seriously with myself-I tried to tot
| up my uncles virtues and to see precisely
what the world would lose by lo,ing him
He was good nstured-I felt bound to admit
that much in his favor. Secondly, be was
honest though there wasn't much credit in
that, seeing that be had no temptation to the
| contrary. Thirdly, he vas-he vas-No
for the life Of me l couldn't think Of any
other virtue that be could fairly claim credit
for. Two virtues, all told. And was a man
With this psltry allowance of moral recon-
mendations (teTribly set OF. per contra, by
bis red cotton handkerchief, his crumpled
shirt front, and his vulgar jokes)-was q
man like this. by his continued existence TO
divide two loving hearts2 Clearly not My
course was plain, whatever the violence to
my own feelings. My uncle must die.
This being settled. the next question was
"Bow| l could not bring myself to prod
the old gentleman with a bowie-knife, as
| Walter Dene did his uncle. StabbInR has
| always seemed to me clumsy medi@vtl sort
| OF way OF getting rid of an enemy. 1t is
| apt moreover TO leave tell-tale spots upon
the operators paDtsloons. Firearms were
equally out Of the question. never tired of
anything in my life save penny cannon in
early youth, and then, remember, the dead
| ly weapon flew backward and broke the
Washhouse window. The fact is impressed
on my memory because the breakage cost me
eightt en-pence out Of my hard-earn pock
ct money. Poison would have been more in
| my line, but gentleman can't take anything
| to disagree with him nowadays without those
| confounded analytical chemists pokinR their
noses into his inside and finding out What he
last took for supper. Hanging was obvious
ly unsuitable. Apart from other objections,
nothing short Of hawser could have sup
| ported man Of my upcle's dimensions
Drowning would have suited we'll enough,
but you can't very we'll drown a man who
never by any chance goes on the water.
| should have preferred to get him mixed up
| in railway accident or dynamite explosion,
| but il is difficult TO ascertain beforehand the
exact time wh-n events Of this kind are like
| ly to come of. After mature consideration
| decided to get him run over and accordingly
inveigled him down TO the bank in the bust.
| est part of the day, gave him heavy lunch.
con, With two or three glasses of prime old
port, and then steered him neatly into the
middle OF the traffic right in front of pass.
| ing hanson. As luck would have it, he saw
his danger just in time aud escaped II by a
hairs breadth. My own attention had been
so much absorbed by the hanson that had
not noticed an omnibus immediately behind
me. was knocked down and all but run
over myself, and my uncle took me home
| terribly bruised and shaken IN the very han
som which | had intended to be the instru.
ment Of his promotion to a better world. To
add insult to injury he lectured me all the
way home in a thick, port winey voice on
the necessity OF being more careful in cross.
ing busy thoroughfares l was in bed for a
week, and consumed arnica enough to stock
a chemists shop before l could move about
with any degree of comfort. Meanwhile,
however, ! had had leisure to perfect my
plans, and had the good fortune to hit on a
method of extinction which would be both
sure and painless. had seen a medical man
of my acquaintance destroy an injured poo
die with chloroform, and was struck by the
| simplicity Of the process. He poured a lit
| tie Of the fluid on a handkerchief, held il 10
the dogs nose, and after one or two inspira-
tions the animal rolled over on its side dead,
resolved to chloroform my uncle after the
same manner. Accordingly, 1 purchased a
small quantity of the liquid, and, watching
| my opportunity, when the old gentleman,
| having imbbed his customary gin and water,
threw his handkerchief over his head and
went to sleep, / cautiously moistened the
handkerchief with the ehloroform letting
the wetted portion hang down well over his
nose. He breRthed rather more stentoriously
than before, but otherwise made no sign
Presently the stentorious breathing grew
fainter and fainter, and at last ceased alto
| gether. All was over, and / began to con-
slider what would be the best method of com.
munioating the unfortunate occurrence to the
rest Of the household, besitsted whether
to give the alarm myself and say that my
uncle had been seized with Rn apoplecto fis,
! or to quit the room and leave somebody else
to make the painful discovery. finally de
cided on the latter course, and was Just leav.
ing the room when the supposed dead man
suddenly sat up with a snort. "Pah Pish
Pooh! What's this horrid smell OF rotten
apples 2" Then, finding it WAS his own hand
kerchef that smeled, he flung it from him,
saying, Benny, you rascal you've been up
to your larks again. You've been putting
same of your nasty pstohouli stuff on my
handkerchief. I declare it has given me
| quite headache
was only too glad to snatch at the sug-
gestion owned the soft impeachment, and
promised not to play such trick sgain. My
uncle had another glass of gin and water in
consideration of his headache, and we retired
to rest. How my uncle slept can't say, but
had uncomfortable dreams of public GER
emonial, in which Mr.. Bartholomew Bnns,
(very drunk, gentleman in clerical attire,
and myself played prominent parts.
/ came down to breakfast feeling horribly
seedy aud low spirited. Ny uncle, on the
contrary, was joyial and in unusually spruce
array.
"what swell you are this morning" 1
remarked.
"Ah, Tn moneyed man to day." he re-
piled I'm going into the city to draw my