Connecticut western news., 1885-04-01
WIT AND WISDOM.

 positive about what they know.
 A MAN is often called a bartender when in reality he is n bar tough.
 NINE society girls out of ten arc in love with a noodle, poodle or poodle.
 WE had rather have snow squAll outside our windows than a cat, any day.
 Yrs, Ellreda. all things fair must fade. All except the railroad fare, which must be paid.
 PEOPLE in search of residence in Pittsburg never find any trouble to soot themselves.
 IN this country any man who plays fiddle. trains dogs or teaches skating is "professor.
 THE report that Dr. Mary Walker Is to be married has been contradioted. It is said now that the man has escaped.
 "THE way to sleep," says a scientist, ''is to think of nothing" but this is a mistake. The way to sleep is to think it is time to get up.
 "YEs," said the Idaho man, 'its dreadful unfortunate that my gal got hugged by that ar bar. She's sort O held me in contempt since"
 "wERE you ever caught in a sudden squallP" asked an old yaohtsman of worthy citizen. "Wel, I guess SO [" re- sponded the good man. 'Tve helped to bring up eight babies"
 Bon ISaERsoLL says that when he dies he does not want even . decent suit of clothes wasted on his body. Bob is right. A sheet and a palm leai fan will be sufficient, says the Atlanta Constitution.
 HE that gives good advice builds with one hand; he that gives good counsel and example builds with both; but he that gives good admoniton and bad ex- ample builds with one hand and pulls down with the other.
 A WOMAN who can smile sweetly at her opposite neighbor, who haa just come out in new and expensive Sacque, while she is compelled to wear her last winters cloth garment, may be sci down as the acme of goodness.
 CAPITAL antagonistic to laborH Non sense The interests of the two arc identical. When the coal dealer makes an honest dollar by selling ngunderweight, doesut the coal nhoveler share In tho profit by time saved in putting the cod in?
 SAYS an exchange:- Who has not felt his mouth water as visions of his grand mothers table came before his oycs- the brown bread and beans, the golden pumpkin pics, the big twisted dough nuts, and the rich coffee favored with real creamp
 Nor SUGAR CoATEp-She: 'Thore ia often vast difference between boon and a bore" He (hshing): "And are most men either one or the otherP" She (wearily): "Well, e man is boor whom he does not call on us, and generally bore when he does. s."-Life.
 A ooUSTRYMAS, driving team, the whole of which were as poor as Pha- raoh's lean kine, was asked by aportly attorney why the fore horse was SO tat and the rest so lean. The countryman replied: ''The fore horse ia lawyer, and the others are his clients."
 "Tm way to forget our miserios ia Co remember our mercios, is tho way some philosopher puts it. Whom VIC have s felon on our finger and double bar reled toothache to boot, there don't seem to be much consolation in remom. ing that we were not drowned last sum- mer.
 A LADY in a street car took out hcr purse, took therefrom a twenty-five cent coin and handed it to well-dreasod man who was smoking. "whatis this for C. asked the smoker. "Its to buy you . good cigar when you smoke in tho pros ence of ladies'" was the reply. The smoker jumped ofr the car.
 "wELb, how.did you succeed 2" asked Slim of o'Dude, when the latter re- turned from making a matrimonial proposition. "oh, I'm all right, I guesa She said she had great many offers, but sho gave mo the refusal. ' 'For how longY "oh, well, the time wasn't mentioned. you know"
 '1 mAR that sheep-Ahearing ia done by machinery in Australia" said one Wall street broker to another. "Yca. 20 I understand. I wonder fl there's any money in it2" asked his friend. "Maybe there is, but prefer the old fashioned way of feeoing lambA- Pull ing the wool over thoir eyes and skinning 'em, you know"