Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1885-10-10

Look where you wili what I, ".t:rii q!
tangles nnd iuisfl: F,agi:s nm with
moles, ard swai,s vi:h hrd.r!roys j'oHI
| Thumbs pins for she Goiatbs Son" I
Anak wed human hum nliug sj:,}: Mi"ht"
Drained L&rars nu,i staleSnlg= ra:r over III
sane lit'" hutt"iilie.. puny wax :cl!s. :1ii,'
faced riG:ies H,:, wUmen il S,u'i grace
court allr themselves with ""'"ter hop
peTs. nus .Skulls, :.5i b ,'.ics ki' { :'"w
down ln ;..!'c I,ti r., 49,: q .,.t.- .hkr
refuge IL !" .,":,.s - 'Gks am; I" ...:'':i"'.
Who ever hear: t,f. hu!fd +. -. "t-
wives? Wife N"i.;w .ca. !: - The
White HCu e ike - EmIer2r. !h: ,;' Nif'.
for whom h mIrin'..! Di"k ;;:.'r. :E. E"}
her cob pine IL IT.: !:aci. w..rs,S :: :, = =.
Where are, ::,@ ;yh. p :..-v. h.H ~ -,
Mr.. Hemrns.. NJ RI t.. n j :.i,t
Beecher Stave,. a:,! v J-!:; i. f.,
Every fellow gets t!,v wraDg wo.:'.:: AID
no woman gets n" riSi:t f,:ii,w. + ."e :s
to lie ecststicaly miserable. ih.' l:rt IL
to vibrate between tho orthodox "rd the
Japanese hells-frnm hell Of fire Ia Il he'll
of ice. To marry is TO plurge head'ong iuto
both at once, and to take the chanc2s Of
looking forever like one half Of a Carolina
chariot team, which usually ccass;s 1T $;
blind jack and moody COW, or u scrub calf
and a knock kneed jennet. M&rri.," has
been !ikencd to the flies on II dinins r.,'!n
window-all On tho outside are huttinH i1eir
heads against the glass to get iG, au;! "a: o.
the inside arc buttng their heads agai"st j!
to get out; and, go which way they viii,
there is always o pane ahead of them. IL
view Of all the chances, the only woad,r is
that any flies are foolish enough to want in
get in.
Married To be married! Marriage is
that Wondrous, mystic ceremonial which
makes two immortais one-but in many in
stances life is spent in trying to decide which
one I know there is a sentimental side 10
it. l know all tho hifalutin stercotyped
stuff about it. know where two conSeniai
hearts and souls agow with pure and fer
vent love unite, the golden chaius OF matri-
mony are inlaid with down, and her lamp
is radiant with heavens own efiuIgeut sp!eii-
dor. Their pleasures are doubled and their
griefs divided by sharing them.
Let come tho wild wcathcr-comc slcct or come
SNOW,
They will stand by each other, however it blow =;
Oppression and sickness, and sorrow and pain,
Arc but to their true lovo As links to q chain.
Yes, yes, l know all about it. I could
pour out that sort of gush and hapdoodle by
the column or the sorghum barrelful. But
where are you going TO find that style Of
pure and fervent and congenial hearts and
souls and young affections, unshakable tab
ernacles and quenchless fires of faith and
love, and all those other delicious bantlings
of the skies, in this sordid and merceuary,
practical age? The dodo and the tuneful
swan are extinct birds, but would as soon
think of stocking m aviary with their three
thousand year old bones as of attem pting to
start my coDjugal side show on the sweet,
ethereal igments of romancers and dream
ers in that best period when the world was
young, and people loved and wooed and
welded as their hearts, and not their pock-
etbooks and their neighbors' opinions, led
them.
Married To be married /? Make my
self The hlushing target for every newspa-
per nincompoop i'll the country for months
to come? Set myself up for every cross
roads journalistic owner Of q dilapidated
lemon squeezer press and haLiui OF plea ''pi''
to huri buckets of taffy and slop, habber.
gasty wit and rhetoric, and carloads of old
slippers and so called good wishes, at and
on and all over me at his will Do | not
know what they would say? Have | not
been there? Have | not said and written
the same absurdities a hundred or thou
sand times when other fellows have been
the victims? The groom q gallant soldier
or boss of a sutlcr wagon during the war,
handsome, gifted, brilliant, versatile, et i'd
onlne genus humbugibus. The bride one Of
the lovelest daughters of her noble State
beautiful in person and charming in
mind and character, adorned with all
the virtues and graces that render
queenship "a any realm. The imtrcs-
Ga 1sifn lF
tropical flowers, the inspiring strains Of the grand
organ or the music Of the foliagehldden harps
and viols delicious, langud vague, like poppy's
breath in sound, the crush of rich costumes the
sweep of sil1cn trains and glitter of priceless
jewels, the costly presents, the sumptuols repast
etcetera, ct cetera ad infintum and d disgustltum
winding up with the regulation volcanic outburst
of bcnisons DO you think I want to be dosed in
that style? Avaunt!
Married To be married And to Mexican
girl! What sort of traitor do you take me for?
Desert my own country and countryw omen, and
marry foreigner, while the census shows hall
million or million possible and probable old
maids coming on beneath the starry banner of
the free? Never! But she is rich. Well, have
no hankering for situation to carry some wom-
ans baggage checks through life And she sings
like nightingale. That is sweet but prefer
our own mocking birds orioles, or meadow larks'
And sho speaks three languages. Heaven pre-
serve me. Any well-organized woman can talk
enough for mo in one.
Married TO be married! Nay, nay, was but
recently an californian. Divide nothing by two,
and perhaps by several, and how much remains?
Ask to starve some other gentleman's sister to
death? Harness an angel fresh from realms OF
celestial bloom and sunshine to a ragman's dog
cart? Clip the rainbow-tinted pinions OF q
seraph, or seraphina, and give her in exchange
ono ink.smeared gray goose quill? All, no, l
would not if l could-but need not fret about it,
for l could not if would. 1t would be swindlc
too huge for anything but territorial statesman,
ship to con template without feeling chunk OF
moral leo slide down my vertebral column. EAR
be it from me for many day. would rather
cook forever my lone corn dodger, wash my own
solitary paper collar SOW in my own pasteboaro
horn buttons, and do my own darnipg and other
diminutve profanity than dream oil such q !raua !,
m womankind or unkind, now, henceforth. and
for ninety days or So world without end, a-men'
a.womnni z. DOMAIN.