Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-07-18
WIT AND tlUMOR.

fal m love perhaps they didn't mean to,
hnt papa objected, and twas mean, too.
Swpro that tnarry he would never let her.
- she dsuityrd him to the citcr!
Ahd the minister and the merry maiden
Fled, and found n Jnstico.and were made 'un.
When an Afghan is tanned by the
sun he really doesn't care. but when he
is tanned by n Russian 1t is more than
he can bear. ~ T. Journal.
II the Book of Proverbs had been
written in these days, it would not say,
'Go to the ant thou sluggard," etc. !;
but it would read. "Go TO Boston, thou
sIuggcr, etc. -HdtchCt.
a Vermont husband is reported to
have frustrated the intended elopcmcnt
of his wife by taking possession of her
silk dress. He knew she wouldn't run
away in Il calico gown.
An article is now going the rounds
Of the press entitled Napoleon as a
Man" We believe that Mr.. Yelling
ton always insisted that Napoleon was
no lady. -ie0rta Transcript
"Whcrc shall be buricd?' sighs a
poet. Isn't graveyard good enough
for you? Do you want to be buried in
the top of tree? Just name the
place, though, and we'll see that you
are put there. Oh city Derrick.
In making his official report of a
death to the clerk of city near Boston
the other day physician handed in
the following: "Primary cause,
| Brights disease; secondary cause,
Christian scientists. ."-SprtngfeM Re-
DH6liCuR.
That wild-eyed animal, the punstcr,
is running riot in the parti-colored IL
lustrated weeklies, distorting all the
ideas of the day. With pros and cons
he cons the prose, perverting each as
sertion, while to give version proper
he exhibits e'er aversion.
An oil-country resident, after hear
ing Goldsmith's poem, The Deserted
Village" read in an eloquent manner,
drew long breath and said:
'Ill be burned if that Village of
sweet Auburn don't remind me of Pc
troleum Centre. ."-NeU York Times.
A gentleman with his wife lately vis-
tied cemetery in Attleboro, Mass,
| with one of the directors of the place.
for the purpose of selecting a lot.
After inquiring the prices he asked if
| he must pay in advance. "Well. no.
was the reply; "I guess you're good for
| it. only if you don't pay right down
you will be expected to bury some of
your folks within two years"
ii beg pardon, ma am. but are you
| going into the country this summer"
| politely inquired grocer of shoddy
society lady on Fifth avenue. "Why,
certainly" Very well, ma am. When
shall | stop calling for the orders?"
LET me see. Well. guess you'd bet
ter continue as usual until the middle
of June. After that don't call until
late in the evening, rs | don't want the
neighbors to see you."-M T. Jour
nal.
There is a great deal of true relig-
| ion in Nature solemnly remarked Il
young clergyman while calling upon n
lady Of his congregation the other
evening.
There is, indeed" was the quiet
reply.
I'VE should never forget that there
is a sermon in every blade of grass"
Quite true. We should also re-
| member while we are about it that
grass is cut very short at this season Of
the year.
Eruaito grocer (balanc;ng can of
ncacbes on his bandl "Mv dear
madam did Won know that we really
knew nothing about canning fruit and
| vcretables until tho ruins of Pomneii
wo1,o rncoTerod and snInndiJ snnci.
mems we're recovered. canned over
t1yen,v centuries aooPn
sn,nni.h InLv cus,omer-"No
| 1;Jn;, ;,pP nn,,, :, ~, IiJ +, ,o 40
vnur canned Goods were very old
li"m lomr hefore yor vii b.vS vonr
.,n,., frnr, porreii uorknd otr 2r
,I,,. =, o,,r
,ro.a; ouun, s"" .'G ",So.ney Ny "no was M
people. ii ask Won to remember that
this is the seventh time the plaintiff
has been shot at within A YEAR,
.U'm-iust so. In ihe o,bcr six
eases he was fired at, in every instance.
by people to whom he had sold Union
Pacific stock. What was the motive
| in this case?"
"Well-well-well. il was the same
your Honor"
"Oh-exactly. Well, l find the
Street News.
A Waco lady advertised for sorv
an, and a ooIoroS von,on nu,
annearance % Her ,ir,, " nmostiun Rn, uas. 80 Il"
"prUiI, Ill 80 nor o, , n,J' ~, ueston ~, was
mo. I've 90, no children. Why
do you askp"
"Bekase if you hahn, got no chlllun
I baint gwintcr st,v wild ver"
What have children to do with YOUR
work?"
Il don't wanter stay in no house