The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1885-07-03
A NEW EUCLID.
m..ch-,1.klns Reduced to an Exact Sci
Introduction.


uatch-nfabing Reduced to an Exact Sci
ence.
Introduction.
The art of matchmaking and eldest
son hunting having been long since re-
duced to science by the mammas of
fashionable life. it has been thought de-
sirable to embody the same in writing
for the benefit of posteIity; and In ac-
comprising this task the method of
Euclid has been followed, both as one
which will be universally understood
and as showing more clearly than any
other the connection between the sue
cessive steps of the science.
Definitions.
1. An undesirable partner is one who
has no town-house, and whose income
has no magnitude.
2. A doubtful partner is title without
wealth.
8. The extremlties of a ballroom are
the best to fiirt in.
4. A bad business is the plain inclina-
ton of two young people to one another.
who meet together, but are not in the
same circles.
5. When one fair maiden 'sits on"
another fair maiden flor Outrageous
flirting") so as to make the adjacent
company notice her, each of the listen
ers will call it jealousy. and the fair
maiden who sits on the other fair
maiden will be called '.too particular"
by them.
6. An obtuse angler is one who does
not hook an eldest son.
z. An acute angler is one who does
hook an eldest son.
8. A term of endearment is the ex-
tremity of Irritation.
9. A blue stocking is plain figure
having one decided line which is called
her erudition, and is such that when
forming the center of circle all young
men will be found equally distant from
that center.
10. A figure is that which is COM
pressed by a more or less confined
boundary.
IL. A good figure is that compressed
within an inch of the owners life.
II. Dull partners are such as, being
drawn out ever so we'll in all directions,
do not talk.
Postulates.
Let it be granted:
/. That an eligible young man may
be drawn by skillful management from
any one young lady to another young
lady.
2. That an engagement for one dance
may be prolonged to any number OF
dances by few iibs.
3. That visiting circle NAV be ex-
tended to any extent from a West End
square, and may be made to include
marquis resident at any distance from
that square.
1. If your daughter be married to a
nobody, the match is unequal.
2. If your daughter be married to a
duke, the match is equal.
8. Elder sons are preferable toyoung
er sons.
4. If wealth be added to younger
sons, the two are equal.
5. If wealth be taken from elder sons,
the two are equal
6. Two short lines may inclose a pro-
posal.
z. If one young lady meets with too
much attention. so as to make the in
ferior angels on either side of her equal
to tearing her eyes out, this conduct. if
continually repeated, shall at length
meet with such reprobation at the hands
of the said angels as shall lead one to
believe that they are not quite angels.
PROPOSITION l.
Problem.
To secure an aristocratic partner by
the help of given (finite) number of
charms.
Let talent for dancing A, and
pair of fine eyes B, be the given finite
number of charms. Let ID be the ars-
tocratic partner.
1t is required to secure ID with A b.
Bring to bear on an old gentleman
c. whom you know to be acquainted
with ID. Tell the decided fib Z that
you are not engaged for the dance
Then, since the decided lib E is equal
to very broad hint. if the aristocratic
partner d pass by at that moment, he
will lie introduced.
Then with your captive ID. and to the
tune of the last waltz out. describe the
circle of the room, and if at any point
of the dance you meet the gentleman
G. 10 whom you are really engaged,
consolng himself with new partner
H. let that be the point when the dam
GERS cut one another.
Then since it has been shown that
your fine eyes b have had great effect
on the old gentleman c, mu h great
er will be their effect on D.; and
with your charms A B you will have
secured an aristocrat:c partner ID.
Wherefore, etc. q. Z. +.
"A. NJ. HedtRcOte.in Lonqnadn's.