The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1885-04-09

Learning to Chew Tobacco.
When was 0 small boy, / looked
upon men who chewed tobacco in my
presence as the masters of fine art.
l especially admired q man who could
squirt q small stream between his teeth
and hit dog in the eye. To me
Goethe and Schiller were mere plebe-
ans compared with the man who could
do that, and longed to equal him in
experiences. Ny father did not use to-
bacco, and my mother always pointed
mo to old Jake Lease, whose mouth
looked Like an exploded paint-bhcket,
ing, and to old George Long, whose
breath made four counties too MAS
matte for health, as frightful picture
of what smoking would do for fellow
But set my mark high and could
not be dissuaded by any such little cpl
sodes as those. My ambition scared
away to the cigar-case and the caddy OF
plug tobacco, and all the energies of
my soul were concentrated on the end
In view. At last 1 found opportunity
within my grasp. Father hired hand
who chewed, and on the following Sat
urday was mounted upon the back OF
the old sorrel mare and sent TO the vii
lage for the weeks mail, half a gallon
of kerosene oil, and three large plugs
of black navy chewing tobacco.
When the merchant passed out the
tobacco, I asked him to cut small
piece off the end of each of the three
plugs for me- He smiled a sweet, sad,
knowing smile, and complied with my
request. L took hearty bite off one
of them and then wandered over to the
postofice after the mail, splitting be-
tween my teeth in professional style.
When / came from the Office, realized
or thought realized that tobacco will
remove superfuous flesh. felt as light
as feather, and Iverily believe 1 could
have been shot through the heart with
out feeling it.
Some men gigled as they assisted me
to climb on the back of the old sorrel,
but did not care for that / had so
much business to attend to to keep my
dinner down that their jeers did not
nettle me in the least, aud when was
on the old mare, triumphantly spit
again and started home at limping
canter.
AS soon as L was out of sight of the
men who had seen me take it, got rid
of my quid in hurry. reeled in my
saddle and felt competent to vomit up
anything from bushel of green apples
to the cargo of a Cunarder. i managed
to keep aboard my ship, however,
though it lurched fearfully, and was be-
ginning to believe / would reach home
in safety, when met the object of my
hearts warmest affection on the road. L
longed to take another chew and spit
one of those charmingly lovely spits
in her presence, and reached into my
pocket and took out piece for that
purpose. The sight of it set me gag
ging violently, and put it back again;
but the war had begun, and up came
my dinner. L felt as if it would never
stop coming up until all my dinners for
six months would join the innumerable
caravan, and vaguely suspected that 1
should also throw up my sweetheart's
dinner, too / felt that / could throw
up all the dinners for miles around, and
had sort of dreamy notion to go into
the business of doing the difficult emetic
work of the neighborhood.
After time the retching ceased, and
/ felt as if it would make but little diff
ference to me what became of me. 1
thought was dying, and could see the
angels lowering around me, each offer
ing me chew of tobacco. L slid off
my horse, and asked Rosalie if she
would not smooth my brow while /
died. She said she would under or
binary circumstances, but just at that
moment was on her way to a neighbours
to borrow a mop and could not stop by
the way for trifes. 1 assured her that
death was no trihing affair, and that for
several days had only lived to get a
good chance to die in her arms, but she
was memorable. She said nothing would
give her more pleasure than to have me
die in her arms, but would have to
excuse her this time, as that mop must
be produced without delay. The old
mare went home alone, and, when they
went out to search for me, they found
my corpse in a fence corner, stone
dead