Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-09-03

sertion, while to give version proper
he exhibits g er aversion.
An oil-country resident, after hear
ing Goldsmith's poem, The Deserted
Village" read in an eloquent manner,
drew long breath and said:
'I'll be burned if that Village of
sweet Auburn don't remind me of Pc
troleum Centre. ''-NeO YORK. Times.
A gentleman with his wife lately WIS.,
tied cemetery in Attleboro, Mass,
with one of the directors of the place,
for the purpose of selecting a lot.
After inquiring the prices he asked if
he must pay in advance. well, no,
was the reply; Il guess you're good for
it, only if you don't pay right down
you will lie expected TO bury some of
your folks within two years"
Il beg pardon, ma am. but are you
going into the country this summer"
politely inquired Il grocer of shoddy
society lady on Fifth avenue. why,
certainly" Very well, ma am. When
shall | stop calling for the orders?"
LET me see. We'll, guess you'd bet
ter continue as usual until the middle
of June. After that don't call until
late in the evening, rs | don't want the
neighbors to see you. ~ T. Jour
nat
There is great deal of true relig-
ion in Nature, soemnly remarked a
young clergyman while calling upon a
lady of his congregation the other
evening.
There is. indeed" was the quiet
reply.
1--WE SHOULD never forget that there
is sermon in every blade Of grass"
Quite true. We should also re-
memoer while We are about it that
grass is cut very short at this season of
the year.
Erudite grocer (1alancing can of
peaches on his HANDY - .'My dear
madam, did You know that we really
knew nothing about canning fruit and
vegetables until the ruins OF Pompeii
were unco' cred, and splendid speci-
mems were recovered, canned over
twenty centuries ago?"
Snappish lady customcr-''No. l
didn't know ii. Bat did know that
your canned gools were very old.
stock from Pompci worked of ?''
judge said the attorney who was
prosecuting n case in Nevada for the
people, 81 ask you To remember that
this is the seventh time the plaintiff
has been shot at within veal"
III Must so. In the other six
cases he was fired at, in every instance,
by people to whom e had sod Union
Pacific stock. What was the motive
In this case?"
wcll-wcll, it was The same.
your Honor"
"Oh-cxacily. Well, find the
prisoner not guilty, rs usua,F"- Val
Street AeWS.
A Waco lady advertised for serv-
ant and a colored woman put in an
appearance. Her first question was:
Has yer got any chiliuns?"
mo. I've got no children. Why
do YOU ask?'
'Bekase if you haint got no chillun
| haint gwinter stay wild yer. ="
What have children to do with your
work?"
81 don't wanter stay in no house
whar dar's no chiiluns, bccase den
whcuebber amy dishes am broke hit
am always laid on de servant and tuck
en- outen her wages. y Tets siftingS
Yes" said the Honest Farmer. II
know there are people what always
puts the big apples at the top of the
bari but don't"
That's right" exclaimed the dea-
con admiringly. Il have always tried
to convince folks that that sort o.
things don't pay in the long run.
IF they'd go to the city once in
while they'd learn something. | al
ways puts my big apples at the bottom
of the bar'l."
That's the way
Yes; you see people has got so sus-
picious that they most always open
the bari ut the bottom nowadays. -
Philadelphia Cal.
II have put in telephone said one
broker to another this morning.
"WhyP Does your business justify
it?n
"No-wcll, yes. You see | notify
my creditors to call me up by tele-
phone. AT times it is bilious and not
inclined to talk. | yell back: Mr..
X has just gone out, and if they
growl and show signs of impatience,
/ call: What's that? Give that to
me again, or Don't stand so close to
the instrument. In this way they
work off their bile aud become affable
that is, as atfable as man you owe
money to ever appears. w !. 7elc-
gr I'M.
You say that will have to wait six
months before can get decree of di-
vorcc from the courts?" asked one of
the most respected citizens of Dallas of
his attorney.
You will have to wait at least six
months" replied the lawyer.
"And / can't get married in the
meantime?"
mo, not unless you want to be sent
to the penitentiary at Huntsville for
bigamy."
The laws of this State seem to be
very defective" replied the client
''Whewl if had known three months
ago that the divorce laws of Texas
were SO tangled up would not have
| proposed to my wife - TEXAS SVt-
lngs
Lets see," unused b. T. Butler,
turning to his private secretary, what
business was engaged in last fall?"
Last fall?" said the secretary, re-
tlectively. 20! why, you were run
ming for president.
president? President of what?
"Why, president OF the United
States.
20. pshawl get out. You're dream
ing.
hen the private secretary procured
an old copy of the New York Sun and
called Buffers attention to several ed
/ itorials.
..Well, blame my hide" exclaimed
the General; '.you are correct. but the
incident had entirely slipped my mem
ory. | was laboring under an impress
sion that was on q yachting excur-
sion to the Sandwich Islands last fall. y
--NoyriSsoUn Herald.
I ----
Dressed beef now comes to the At