Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1885-08-20
MR.. PETTINGILL'S FAILURE.
He Was Unable to Find the Key In
His Wife's Nress Pocket.
New Orleans Times-Democrat

and asked her where she kept the kew.
OF his valise, as he wished to pack up
few things and take the night train
for Mobile to look after some imporS
tant business matters.
Mrs. Pettingill told him TO 90 up
stars IN her room ard he would find
the key IN the pocket of her black
dress, which was hanging on q nail
behind the door.
Poor. foolish mortal, he did not
know that It was easier, as the scrip
ture says, lc" the eye of rich man to
crawl through q camel than for him
to lind the pocket of his wifes dress.
Blinded by his own confidence. he
took the dress off the nail, and at that
moment his sufferings commenced.
He took a short survey of the gar
ment IS he held it up in his left hand,
in order to locate the position of the
pocket. His eyes rested on q small
opening and he thrust his hand into
1t, only to find his fingers gliding
through kind of bottora less concern,
and then sticking mis- arga into it up
to the hilt, he observed that his hand
was protruding from an aperture on
the other side. This caused him TO
change the position of the dress. and
he saw another opening and he sound
ed It's depths and ascertained that it
was the same mysterious hole he had
been in a moment before.
This slightly annoyed him, and
after throwing off his coat and vest
and hopping the streams of perspira>
tion from his face, he again went in
search of the pocket. He saw little
slit on the right side, and softer light
came into ais eyes. This is it." he
murmured, and putting his hand into
a shallow founce, commenced to
groupe around for the key. which,
however, was sleeping snugly in the
pocket, at least two feet away. Pet~
lngill got mad and began to swear
through his clenched teeth. He de-
termined to find the pocket or die,
with his lace to the foe, and the next
minute he commenced stabbing the
dress with both hands, hitting it
straight blows froa the shoulder, and
dancing around it just as if he was
engaged IN rough-and-tumble fight.
He glanced at the clock and saw that
the train would start in forty minutes,
and once more he jumped for the dress
with low yell that indicated plainly
that he was mad enough to match
himself against d hornet. He jammed
his head into the folds of the dress
and commenced digging with both
hands, and the air got full of satin
bows, pieces Of Vatican plaits and
smothereG growls. While seated
in q chair resting himself he
glared at the crumpltd dress ly-
ing on the floor, and the idea &C
Cured 10 him that the only way to
Keep the pocket from lodging him
was to put the dress on. He did so
and then renewed his search, but his
hands would slide into loops, furbe-
lows, folds, fiounces, and everything
else except the much desired pocket.
This was more than he could stand,
and he determined to tear of the dress
and tear it to pieces, and thus discover
the dwelling place of the pocket. He
pulled the dress up over his head,
as if dlvesting himself OF shirt, it got
caught in his suspender buckles, and
wrapped itself around his neck in a
peculiar way, and he stopped forward
and tugged at it with all his strength,
but 1t would not give an inch, and APP
peared to tighten its grip around his
head. It was hot, and he was smother
ing in its folds, and in order to release
himself he beat the air with both
hands and danced up and down In one
spot until the window panes ratified.
The dress, however, knew that it was
getting the best Of him and would not
let him &c, and then Pettingill in his
rage made a blind dash and butted
the bowl and pitcher off the wash>
stand and upset the rocking chair,
which prodded him in the ribs. The
next dive he made the bureau suffer,
and cologne bottles and powder boxes
mingling with tiu bath tub and
bird cage, rolled over the floor.
Mrs. Pettingill heard the crash, and
fastening up stairs, discovered her
husband lying on the floor on his
back, with his arms and head boNnd
up in her dress, and kicking his legs
IN the air and using profanity of lao
degrees in the shade. She pulled him
out Of the dress, and he sat up on the
floor and gazed at her in a da2ed way,
and rubbed his ribs with one hand
and wiped the blood off his nose with
the other. There was look in his
eyes which told Mrs. Pettingill thatit
was not the time to talk to her hus-
band, so she merely picked up the
dress, and without any trouble at all
stuck her hand in certain place and
took out the key. which she handed
him without saying ord. 1t was
too late to catch the train, so Pettin-
gill quietly bathed his bruised head and
then went to a locksnith's shop, and
when he came home he brought his
valise key with him, and 1t was chain
ed to a bar of pig iron.