Springfield globe-republic. (Springfield, Ohio) 1884-1887, 1885-04-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

on the lookout for the same ghost
burlington Free Press.
| A constant reader wants to know
how much ashes coal will assay to the
ton. He says he bought sixteen tons
of coal but he is sure he has shoveled
nineteen tons of ashes out of his fur
naces so far. and the winter is only
half over.
Texan-''I trust sir. you don't mean
to call me liar?" Stranger-.'An if
did call you liar. what would you do
about it?" I'D do my duty under the
law, SIR '.And what's that?" Hold
an inquest over your remains, sir. I'm
the coroner here"
Betsey, an old colored cook, was
incoming around the kitchen one day.
when her mistress asked her if she was
| ill. mo. ma'am. not zactly," said
Betsey; but de fac is, don't feel am
bition enough to get out of my own
way. "-Harper's Bozar
Hello. Jim. old boy" said the con-
ductor to one of his passengers, evil
IDENTITY another railroad man, ..how' S
business with you up on the Northern
Pacific?" Mighty lively when left
especially mining" What kind?"
Mining for trains. "-Chtcago Herald.
There are differences even among
Italian Princes. The least enterprising
and shrewd among them come to Amer
lea and grind hand organs. The sharp
nobleman stays in his own sunny cline,
bides his time and finally marries a
rich American girl.-Tenango Specta-
| tor.
In Corea a woman has no name. She
is always somebody's daughter, sister,
wife or mother. 1t is pretty much the
same way in this country with the man
who marries popular actress. He
has no name, either. He is always
somebody's husband. - Norristcwn
Herald.
The telegraph is unbearably grudging
in giving up details of the duel at Law
renceburg, Ind. day before yesterday,
when two kentuckians fought for
the possession of dog Both men
were killed, says the account. Yes!
yes! but what of the dog? Is he safe?
Buffalo Express.
A note was taken up few nights
ago to a New York gentleman who was
seated in his library. 1t read: when
you read this shall be far away" 1t
might have added. land so will your
overcoat," for when he went down to
see who had handed in the note his hat
| rack was bare and the man had gone
When an Ann Arbor girl makes up
her mind to get married she's going to
get there, no matter who opposes. Re-
Gently one of these ladies grew tired of
the monotony of single life and she
went unattended to the most dismal
part of dismal Dakota. there met and
loved man and married him before he
discovered his danger. er.-DetroH Jour
nal.
the matron of a charity hospital, ''can
you lend me eight ragged children this
afternoon" Eight ragged children!
What do you want with them?" We'll,
you see my husband is in the peniten-
tiary, and want to get him pardoned.
Want the children to 60 with me when
l call on the Governor. '-4rkaasaU
| Trdceler.
in the saa tRe Gelvb baassota b}as a
matte critic to the representative of an
I Eastern tragedian. Il know this .Mer-
I chant of Venice you talk about | saw
it in Salt Lake as far back as 81. No
such wormy chestnut will 90 down
with cultured community that had
Young Mrs. Winthrop and the Ban
dit King three months after they were
brought out at Drury Lane"
A story is told of shrewish Scotch
| woman who tried to wean her husband
from the dram shop by employing her
brother to act the part of ghost. and
frighten John on his way home WHO
are you said the guidman, as the ap-
partition rose before him from behind
bush. 81 am Auld Nick" was the re
ply. "Come AVA. man." said JOHN,
nothing daunted. ..Gie's a shake o.
your hand. Il am married tae sister
o yours"
A German chemist, who discovered
| few silver coins in his pocket, SUBJ
jected them to microscopic examina-
ton, and found In them miniature bits
of textile fabrics, globules of animal
matter, unicellular alga and bacteria
in active notion" That is not so bad
for few coins in Germany; but
young man in this country. who found
a silver quarter in an old vest pocket.
subjected it to a test, and from it secur-
ed four glasses of beer and scent ci-
gar. The German chemist should have
his pockets cleansed and disinfected
oftener.
'You have very rich soil here" re-
marked a tenderfoot to Dakota farm
er. ''Rich! Well, l should say so.
Two years ago young man came
from the East out here. He carried
snakewood cane. He stuck it in the
ground and left it here" Il suppose"
remarked the tenderfoot with smile.
you mean to tell me it sprouted."
.Sprouted! Well, should say it did,
and blossomed too. Why, last year l
killed ten bushels of blacksnakes on
that patch of ground, and each one
was vanished and had hammered
silver head"
The coat was a very bad fit-too full
in the back. .'That'll never do" said
the customer, Its like shirt on
bean pole" Dot coat, mein frent,"
replied the dealer, '.ish very stylish
garment. Look at dot back. Mein
gracious, it is lofty. See dot beautiful
puffing-der latest style. and don't
you forget it. 1t was made on Fifth
Avenue. 1t is der Fadder Hubbard
style. and is actually worth so much as
five toller more for dot cut" And five
minutes later the delighted customer
left the store with his Father Hubbard
coat Whitehall Times.
The Toronto Presbytery by vote of
p to II, has decided that man may
marry his wife's sister. In the near