davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

"ls the coon n smart animal ?"
asked stranger of old 81 Jackson,
on Onion Creek. Talk about 'coons
being smart, l should say dey was
smart" well how smart are they 2"
"a coon played me the meanest trick
you cher heerd tell on. / foun' q
hole whar de coon went into de
ground, and when he did come out
he was polecat. Texas Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

In the early days of Methodism in
Scotland, certain congregation,
where there was but one rich man,
desired to build new chapel. A
church meeting was held. The rich
old Scotchman rose and said: "Breth-
ren, we dinna need new chapel I'll
give FIVE pounds for repairs" just
then piece Of plaster falling from
the ceiling hit him on the head
Looking up and seeing how bad il
was, he said: Brethren, it's worse
than l thought; I'll make it fifty
pun" ooh, Lord" exclaimed a de-
voted brother on a back seat, "hi,
him again. London Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

"What are the prospects in this
town for a circus" asked the ad-
vance agent of Kentucky citizen
think we'd draw crowd ?" The
citizen shook his head obviously
"Pm 'fraid not, stranger" he said.
"Thar's to be man hung here in
September, an / reckon everybody
II be savin' up money for that" p
n. Y. Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

School board visitor, while exam
lining a scholar: where is the
north pole?" 81 don't know, sir,
where it is" Don't you? Are
you not ashamed that you don't
know where the north pole is?"-
"Wby, sir, if Sir John Franklin, and
DIR. Kane, and Captain Mares and
Markham couldn't find it, how should
l know where it is ?"-Buffalo Ex-
press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Ardent lover: 81 have called, sir,
to ask your permission to pay my adj
dresses to your daughter" Old gent
somewhat deaf: PAY for dresses? :?
Why, certainly, my dear sir. Here
are the bills" He gave one glance
at them and fed.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

A German newspaper contains an
obituary in which occurs the follow
ing; "Our dear son Gustav lost his
life by falling from the spire of the
Lutheran church. Only those who
know the height of the steeple can
measure the depth of our grief
Oil City Derrick.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

A poetess asks: 20 where does
beauty linger?' We think that we
are breaking no confidence when we
reply that in these artistic times it
generally fingers on the toilet table
until the girl puts it on with brush
and a powder puff.-The Rambler.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12
He Will Need 1t.

II want complete suit of boiler
iron," said a Brooklyn youth to n
boiler-maker.
"Why, you must be crazy!'
"Never was more sensible in my
life. Can you make me suit of your
thickest iron?
Certainly, but what are you going
to do with it"
"Wear it, Of course"
"Where ?"
"Well, I'm going to New Jersey to
spend Sunday, and I want to bulldoze
the mosquitoes."-N Y. Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

"How sleep the brave?" asks a
poet. This depends largely on the
number of cats in the neighborhood.
-Waverly Mugwump.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Chemists are just now puzzling
over new substance obtained from
leather. A Milton shoemaker says
it is ox-ide.-Santa Rosa News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

A bar in the river and bar on
shore have the same name, because
water is scarce in both places.-Mer-
chant Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Boston maidens love flowers. 1t is
haughty-culture, don't you know
St. Paul Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Don't get short" if you want to
let alons.--Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12
Advertising Eates.

business 1s,ds, year, dollar for every
lire.
Local Notices ten cents per line for each insor-
tiois
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

The guleless banana peel can down
anything but the thermometer.-Phil
adelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Very nobby-a boarding house
bed.-Puck.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

The proper desert for an under
taker-berry pie.-Boston Budget.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12
MICHIGAN C!E!:NI.T-RH,A!l.LL. H,!l.L.

The Niagara Falls RoNte.
Rtrival and departure of trains noted below us
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12
WIT AND HUMOR.


Very nobby-a boarding house
bed.-Puck.
Is hotel waiter girl maid to or
der Lynn Union.
Mineral water comes in quartz
Merchant Traveller.
The bridge of Sighs-Brooklyn
bridge.-Free Press.
The Esquimaux think their snow
place like home.-Life.
A subject in palmistry.-
Burlington Free Press.
The bashful man always holds a
flush. Whitehall Times.
The proper desert for an under
taker-berry pie.-Boston Budget.
The guileless banana peel can down
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

Is hotel waiter girl maid to or
der LYNN Union.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

The bashful man always holds a
flush. Whitehall Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

The bridge of Sighs-Brooklyn
bridge.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

A subject in palmistry.-
Burlington Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1885-08-12

The Esquimaux think their snow
place like home.-Life.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

When man wants to marry
he generally wants the ceremony TO be per-
formed as eXpeditiously as possible and will
brook no delay. When informed that Ii
cense cannot be granted he is generally dis
mayed, then furious. and finally sets to
work with all the the ingenuity OF which lac
is capable to accomplish his hearts desire.
Some ridiculous situations often occur, re-
sulting generally from the impatience and
ignorance of the prospective bridegroom.
If he can't find the parents of his bride he
will rustic around and bring her second
cousin or an uncle. whom he thinks viii do
as well. Recently a young fellow, all
smiles and bushes, applied for a license a
few minutes before the clerks Office was TO
close. lie was to be married that night,
and everything was ready-the spirit
and the bride said come. Upon in
quiry it was ascertained that the
lady lacked few weeks of being is years
old. He was told he must get the written
consent of her parents. He would do thar,
but he couldn't find them in ten minutes.
lie must have his license. Her relatives
had arranged to give big party: what was
he to do? The Office closed that night at ;
O'Clock and the license wasn't issued. Prob
ably the wedding was postponed for twenty
four hours, or perhaps the young lady con-
Guided she would not marry 4 man who
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

Saratoga is great place for style. but
there are styles and styles. The young
people whose parents and grandparents
knew Saratoga years ago come there
regularly, dressed appropriately, attract no
attention, any more than well-bred and
weil-dressed women attract attention any
where: but | wish you could see the dudes
and dudesSeS. / wish you could see the
man-monkeyS who change their clothes.
ridiculous as IL may seem. three or four
times day. Why. right out IN front of
my window. before had dressed for dinner
the first day l got there. l saw queer
looking woman who walked as if something
was the matter with her hips. She couldn't
throw her legs out at all. but like one of
these machine dolls, moved her feet one
right straight ahead, and then the other
right straight ahead. l thought she was a
cripple, but close scrutiny revealed the
features Of a woman whom L knew as a
little girl twelve years ago, the daughter of
humble carpenter i'm Brooklyn. who was
thrifty and frugal and lived in a little
house, the front of which was his shop.
with his wife and two daughters. He saved
two-thiIds of every penny he made until he
amaSSed sufficient quantity OF SponduliX
To warrant himself i'm setting up as a
builder. Then he became a contractor:
then he became very rich - mysterious
people, these contractors, arn't they? His
daughter married the handsome fellow who
was walking with her. a tall. SiX-foOt-hiCh.
well-deyeioped. manly-appearing person.
with voice like sick soprano and a walk
like diseased duck. tie hadn't a cent.
His father is a broken-down old hack. who
borrows $50 from everybody who will lend
it to him and will take ten if he can't get
twenty. They walk up and down the
piazza. he stenching Gods pure air and she
aping the Lord knows what, and looking
like sick raccoon with two-thirds of her
anatomy out of order.
/ inquired about them afterwards. 1t
seems that a few years ago they were
married. and the man whom knew IS 4
humble carpenter. begrimed and sweaty.
who has planed my sticking doors many a
time, and put up trelliseS for vines To run
over in my back yard, actually gave to his
daughter a certified check Tor 500. OOO
How much they have got Of il now ! don't
know. but there they are swimming about
in first circles" Joe Howard in Boston
Globe
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

40. whose self-posSeSSion indicates
that he has been there before. In the
words of one of the deputy clerks, 1--WE
get all kinds but the Chinaman. We
haven't had him yet, but John will be along
some day."
Since the organization of Hennepin
county, 1909 marriage licenses have been
issued, the greater part. of course
within the last six years. During
the year of 1888, l.G04 marriage
licenses were issued, which indicates the
rapid growth of an important factor
in bringing about the recent satisfactory
report of the census taker. Eighteen hun
bred and eighty-fve seems to be an off year
for marriages as well as politics, for the
number of licenses issued is going TO fall
behind that of last year. Up to date SD
have been taken out, but four of the best
marriage-producing months remains. No
vember seems to be the favorite month,
while October, May, September and De-
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
STRANGE BETS.
London ssSweii~'' Who Sell Gold
Pieces for PrnnirN On :, IYnrer

Pfeces for Pennies Ons Wager.
The London Swells are the most in
Neterate betters in the world. The time
hangs 80 heavily on their hands that in the
excitement of uncertainty they find CRATE
ful relief. A curious bet was made in one
OF the London clubs some years ago that
will doubtless point moral. II was that
certain member could not within two hours
or London bridge sell 100 new guineas al "A
penny apiece. The man took his place on
the bridge with little tray. on which he
had the coins. He Informed the paSsers-by
THAI they were genuine gold coins from
the Bank OF England. and that they were
TO be had Tor penny each. The cartmen
and policemen laughed AT him. When the
time expired, such is human incredulity. he
mad sold but two, which maid servant
bought To amuse her two little charges.
Another peculiar bet made in London
was by a wel-knOwn barrisie- for a large
amount. that he would at a certain hour
block Fleet street in the busiest part Of the
day and AT the narTOwest point. Half an
hour before the appointed time he took
ms stand on the opposite SIDE Of the street
rom an insurance Office which had 4 large
lion over the door. He was dressed like
necr0mancer. with long cloak. and wear
Ing tail, pointed hat and large glasses over
his eyes. Under one arm he carried an
enormous book and in his hand he had a
large telescope, which every Jew minutes he
pointed at the lion, after inspecting the
book.
People gathered around, and he told that
in the book of Balderdash 1t was written
that in half an hour that lion would wag
his tail. Slowly walking up and down,
and every few minutes taking a look at the
lion through his glass. he attracted the al
tention Of everybody, and the waiting
crowd grew every moment denSer. The
wagons stopped to see what the trouble
was. and these damned the others until the
whole street was crowded and impossible.
The Darrister slipped away in the crowd
but most obstinate jam enSued, and it was
more than an hour before the police could
clear the thor0ughfare. Galveston TEX
News
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
silence ofthe swsdes.

One great peculiarly of travelling in
Sweden is the extreme quiet and lack of
furry. The Swedish are a taciturn and
noiseless people. They do much by signs,
and never shout; Swedish crowd makes
singularly little sound. Swedes, even of
the lowest class, never push or jostle.
1t is the custom 10 do SO much bowling
and hat-lifting that one is obliged to move
more slowly than in England TO give time
for all this courtesy. When a train leaves
a platform, or a steamboat pier. all the
lOokers-on lift their hats 10 the departing
passengers and bow TO them, compliment
returned by the travellers.
If you address the poorest person In the
streets you must Lift your hat A gentle
man passing a lady on the stairs of hotel
must do the same. To enter a shsp or a
bank with ones hat on is a terrible breach
OF good manners. IL you enter or leave a
coffee-roOm You must bow to all the occu-
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
Queen EsabeIIa,s Match Making.

Isabella is going TO Bavaria TO try and
conclude a match there for her youngest
daughter. The horizon is dark. and she
wants To lose no time in helping b make
provision for the lntanta before the storm
bursts. She viii make halt for a few
days az the PalaiS de Castillo. 10 rest and
receive those who We're her friends in the
days OF exile. l felt sorry 10 be told By
one of the few who nave been admitted To
an audience of Isabella that her iovial
spirits are dying out. The prospects IF the
monarchy dcpreSs her. and she taxes
superStitioUs view OF the earthquakes and
cholera. The scheme OF the Conservative
Alphonsisis for making her son an emperor
Is not To her mind. Their idea is To make
1t the sign of a new departure-or rather a
return 10 the deSpotism which Charles Y.
established against the Standards. and the
worst victims OF which were his own
descendants. who were 50 isolated from
other human beings that they descended into
the royal vault ar the Escurial-Paris Let
ter TO London Truth.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
AND ANSWERED KATYDID.

Fair Katy stood in the cottage door.
Sweet was the smile that her red lips wore
For Robin was coming down the lane,
Driving homeward the lowing train.
And well she knew, when his work was Ger
He would come around TO the cottage door.
She waited there and he came 1T last
And held the maid TO his bosom fast
A single moment. and in her ear
He whispered low: won't you kiss me,
dearg''
She sighed aud trembled, the maiden fair.
Then pouted her lips and kissed him there.
ooh! the bee no sweeter nectar sips
Than that which lies on a llaiden's lips.)
But Katy's ma through the window pane
Observed the meeting Of the twain,
And said, with an alarm in tone and air.
Il wonder If Katy kissed him therey'
And a little bird in a thicket hid
Promptly answered her "Katydid."
Boston Courier.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

BEEN THERE BEFORE. who evidently seeks
to secure a nurse rather than a wife. Then
there is in sharp contrast The giddy
youth of 20, with his camel's-hair
muStache. who looks as though he might
keep a wife-in want. There is the bloated
bondholder, who throws ont a $50 bill and
contemptuously asks if they can change
that. The cautious man who nsinuates
that marriage licenses come too high, and
who acts as if he thought he was being inn
posed upon. Heaven only knows how his
wife Will ever get her pin money. The
Frenchman who can't speak or write
English, and who can't pronounce names
so the clerk can write them out with any
approach 10 accuracy. The Norwegian
who asks for a marriage lice" and who
says yes" to everything. The bashful
German, the rural rooster. the widower of
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23


enables them TO form an accurate mental
picture from merely reading a description
OF dress, no matter how elaborate it may
be gotten up. Then follows an account of
the decorations for the festive
occasion, the wedding tour. the
home which the newly-wedded pair
will occupy. together with a delicate hint or
two as to the financial standing of the haDpy
brdegrOom-if he happens to be in posi-
ton which will warrant such an allusion
agreeable. Throughout all this not one
word is said concerning that sine qua non.
the humble but very. yes absolutely neces-
sary marriage license. They all must have
it. The naughty millionaire and his poor
est employe meet here on a common level
They are asked the same questions. and
their responses are all taken down in the
same book. There are no gilt-edged licenses
to give the rich and no MANILA paper for the
poor The printed blank is exactly the
same in each instance. and. if
it affords any satisfaction, the man
who gets spliced in the Office Of a Justice
can know that he has just as handsome a
marriage license for his transformations we'd
ding as the nabob who lives Oh hill. and
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
IF YOU WISH TO WED
You Must Get Marriage License Before
bandit is Not Very Expensive
Operation.
Some of the Curious Experiences of the
License Clerk, and the People
lie Meets.
Being no Respector of Persons, He
Treats Alike Rich, Poor, Inhuen-
tial and Obscure.
All Degrees Of Bashfulness. StoIidity,
Penuriousness and Ignorance
Displayed

Someone remarked, away back in the
Chestnut age, that marriage is divine
institution" No one has yet cOmbatted
the idea thus presented. and whether or
not matches are made in heaven. as the
saw asserts, and as some believe, certain it
is that around the ceremony by which the
two are made as of one flesh, there cllngS
halo Of romance attractive to all, and OF
absorbing interest 10 many-especlalIy 10
the fair sex. This fact IS Strikingly APP
parent in the columns of the popular Sun
day paper Of the period. Newspapers, as
general thing. are what their patrons make
them, or in other words, Tie newspaper is
apt to cater TO the tastes of It's
readers. Look at the modern paper, which
goes into the family on Sunday and is
read at or before breakfast. Columns are
devoted to gossip of a social nature. True,
the major portion is taken up with nara
tiyes about balls, parties, personal notes.
toilets. etc, but all this nebule is warmed
into light by marriage. the central body of
the social system about which the planets Of
the seasons gaiety, 'the comets Of society
slush' revOlyes, and by which their motions
are regulated and controlled. The we'd
dingS are written up with 4 hungry atten-
ton to detail The trOusseau is described
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
Sound Logic of a small Roy.

Stockton Register.
MA, can 20 to the circus next Thurs.
day." inquired a Stockton boy of hi.
mother.
IN see. johnny"
Now, ma. that amt square deal
"Why not. SOM"
lit isn't what you want 10 see; its what
want 10 see that causes me to ask
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

pants. Passengers on board the little
steamers which ply about Stockholm
invaribly raise their hats TO the Oc.
cupants of any other boat which
passes near them. The very men
in charge of the locks on the canal
bow politely to the sailors rs the boats go
through. Imagine English burgess indulging
in such amenitieS.-LOndon Society.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

journey 800 miles TO get the necessary per-
init To wed. Love laughs at locksmiths.
and this last difficulty is easily circum-
vented if the couple happen to understand
how. The law provides that where the
parties reside in another state they can
procure a license in any county in this
state. Taking advantage of this provision
the loving couple can slip over the state line
into Wisconsin or Iowa and there have the
knot tied Just as securely as in Minnesota.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

refused. WHATS the matter?' was the
surprised question. For the reason that
the lady whom you wish TO marry is not yet
divorced" answered the clerk with as little
sarcasm as possible.
1.-The judge has indicated that he viii
grant the divorce, but we haven't mad time
to enter up judgment. You had better
wait until the divorce gets cold"
4 peculiar combination of difficulties
recently stood in The way of a young man
TO whom the judge of the Minneapolis
municipal court gave the choice of marry
ing the woman he had wronged or of going 10
jail. He chose the former, as the less OF
the two evils, but when he applied for a
license it was found that he was only
twenty years old. He was an orphan. and
had no guardian. Finally Deputy Sheriff
Thompson came to the rescue, and con-
scented to being appointed guardian with
the understanding that he should freely
consent that his newly acquired ward
should wed. The probate Judge. however,
was out of the city, which prevented the
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

thus ov er-
looked such
a small but
vital detail
in what was
10 her the all
important
matter of her
life.
Another
amusing cpl
sode OF re-
cent dale was
the applica-
ton of a man
for 4 license,
which was
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

lead the rest. Just
why is a question
which puzzles some
of the leading court
house scientists. In
view Of the severity
Of Minnesota winters
it is easy TO compre-
bend why man should
select November as
the appropriate
month for the radical
change in the affairs
of his life, but why
should he pick uDon
Monday as the day
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23
BEFORE THE RAIN.

We knew it would rain, for all the morn
A spirit on slender ropes of mist
Was lowering its golden buckets down
Into the vapory amethyst.
OF marshes and swamps and dismal fens:
Sco0ping the dew that lay in the flowers
Dipping the jewels out of the sea-
To sprinkle them over the land in showers.
We knew It would rain, for the poplars showed
The whites OF their leaves, the amber grain
Shrunk in the wind and the lightning now
Is tangled In tremulous skeins of rain!
r. II. SToDDARD.
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

The foregoing are
only predicaments
which are almost of
daily occurrence.
To the student of
human nature the
district clerk : Office
will furnish 4 per-
enEial picnic. The
applicants embrace
men of all classes.
and nearly every
instance something
ludicrOuS IS apt 10
crop out before the
license is secured.
There is the Oldham
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

appointment of the
guardian. The
bridegroom was re-
manded to jail, but
the next day the
bride solved the
problem by stepping
into the clerk 5
Office and swearing
that they were both
of lawful age, and
thus obtained the
longed for license.
she probably told a
white lie, but under
the circumstances
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1885-08-23

the presents emu
merated, the names
of rela tlveS a II d
friends are given, SO
you can gather a
pretty fair idea how
every thing appeared
and how everybody
looked. At least the
ladies can. for an in
innate knowledge of
the articles Of femme
wearing apparel. aid
ed by persistent study
gf fashion r,iafa.