Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1885-06-18
WIT AND HUMOR.

sent with proper precision is more
speedy in its action.
Chartered oppressors" is the latest
for "blasted monopoly" and it comes
from the wild West, too.
Give tramp the cold shoulder one
day, and he will come back the next
for potatoes to go with it.
II can do what like with my colors
now" said the proud young scholar.
$50 could l at your age" answered
the master, "but now / can only do
what other people like"
A Washington photographer is get
ting portrait of an Indiana man in
the act of not getting an office. The
negative will be preserved. Louisville
(Ky) Courier-Journal.
The advance in the price of nails is
probably brought about by their scar
city. So many campaign lies were
nailed last year that it has sent the
market up.-Brooklyn Times.
A city photographer went into the
suburbs for the purpose OF taking a
live bull from life. For a two-mile run
the chances seemed good for the bull
taking the artist from life Yonkers
Statesman.
They had been quarreling. 80 you
wish there was another war, do you,
William" she observed. Eyes, l do"
he replied. well, William, will try
to accommodate YOU" And she did.
NJ Y. Graphic.
A forlorn-looking man said: 1--WE
tried everything that could turn my
hand to, but couldn't make ANYTHING
answer; and now / have decided to 90
up among the hills, where they say
there's wonderful echo, to see if / can
make that answer"
1t is not true that the whole is al
ways equal to the sum of all its parts.
The axiom, for instance, falls to
pieces in the case of head of hair. In
that instance, the larger and more
numerous are the parts, the less is the
whole hair. Life.
Ratiocination: Small Gertrude Is
years old)-Mamma, quite agree with
you. Mamma-Why, my child, what
does agree mean? S. G.-When two
persons think alike. Mamma-What
does disagree mean? S. G.-When
one person thinks alike.
The hairdresser at the Jardin des
Plantes with his little son: "My boy,
here you see how unequally nature dis
tributes her gifts. This creature, for
instance, is the tortoise, of whose shell
the best hairpins are made, but which,
unfortunately, has no hair itself"
Customer-Give me pound of oleo-
margarine. Grocer - Yes, ma'am:
here's your change. Customer-Why,
you've charged me 10 cents; it used to
be Is. Groceries, ma am; but we
are not allowed to sell it now-there's
law agin it-so it's dearer. Y
Mail.
Edith, you want to know whether
funny mon on newspapers ever laugh
at their own jokes" do you, dear?
Yes, Edith, often; in fact, in a good
many cases you will find that they are
the only ones who do laugh at them;
but, of course, this is CONFIDENTIAL
Boston Post.
On one of the little brown jugs sent
out by Methodist Sunday-school and
gravely presented to his friends for
their contributions, an old deacon had
pasted the motto, when am full
send me home" Evidently the old
deacon didn't know about the bows on
New Years.
| held her tiny hand in mine, and
clasped her fairy form, and told my
tale of ardent love in language sweet
and warm. And when l paused for
want of breath, she raised her dimpled
chin and whispered low, 81 don't catch
on, please sing your song again. "
Hartford Times.
Here's a musical salesman adver-
tised for. Why don't you apply, NedP"
ZIP Why, I'm not musical per
haps not; but l notice that you can
blow your own horn, you're familiar
with the bars, your remarks are full of
slurs. you're always giving notes, and
all the rest. "-Hotel Gazette.
.'Such splendid sermon" said Mrs.
X. as she sailed majestically out of
church Sunday morning. Wasn't it
dull and prosy this morningp" said
half dozen other ladies. Mrs. X.
wore a new dress, the finest at church
on this particular occasion, and all the
others had seen it.-OI City Blizzard.
"Why do you set such tough chicken
before me-" Indignantly exclaimed a
fair damsel in restaurant the other
day. cage before beauty always, you
know, ma am" replied the polite at
tendant, who well knew how to serve
his employer and tough chicken at
the same time. Stars and Stripes.
A lady travelling in Pullman car,
when she retired for the night, stuffed
some cotton in her ear as a preventive
of earache. In the night it came out
and she stuffed one of the pillows in by
mistake. The porter next morning
was going to have her arrested for
larceny, until she explained matters
Brooklyn Times.
"Why do you suppose the feminine
is used in speaking of the moon?"
asked Kosciusko Murphy of Miss
Esmeralda Longcoffin. Because she
is so beautiful, l suppose" replied
Esmeralda, who is on the shady side of
35. mo; it's because there's no find
ing out how old she is" replied the
lunatic. SJtings.
Fond Mother-What a dear, sweet
little fellow Bobby is! He asked me
last night if he were to die and 60 to
Heaven if l thought that God would
let him play with the stars. Father
Cunning his boot upside down and
shaking it violently)-Now. who put
that tooth brush and powder in there?
Fond Mothor (rao;rnaIIyN- n T c,,r
pose it was Bobby-N. Y. Times.
Wont you have another piece of
pie, Mr.. Featherly?" asked Bobby,
Hospitality. His mother was enter
tanning few friends at dinner and the
dessert was being discussed. Thanks,
Bobby" Featherly replied, laughingly;
''since you are so polite about it, be-
lieve will take small piece more"
"All right" said Bobby. Now, ma,
remember your promise. You said if
it was necessary to cut into the second
pie could have two pieces"
Now" said the bridegroom to the
bride when they returned from the
honeymoon trip, ''let us have clear
understanding before we settle down
to married life; are you to be President
or ce-President of this concernp' 81
want to be neither President nor Vice.
President" she answered; II will be
content with q subordinate position. !"
''What is that?" Controller of the
currency. boston Courier.
A woman not far from Paw Paw,
Mich, says Observer in the True
Northerner, during the absence. of her
husband. took up her parlor carpet. re-
moved the furniture, bought brand
new nair of elegant S.. 80 skates and