Connecticut western news., 1884-05-14
WIT AND WISDOM.

HEAVEN will permit no man to secure happiness by crime
 "l HERp," is the.way the cowboy be- ! gins his conversation.
 A PROUD man never shows his pride SO much as when he is civil.
 TIE usual fortune of complaint is to excite contempt more than pity.
 A GOOD man is kinder to his enemy than bad men are to their friends.
 IF you would be wealthy get upon a mule; you will soon find you arc bet ter of.
 WHO killed the greatest number of chickens? ? Hamlet's uncle did. "NIur- der most foul."
 HE who is most slow in making n promise is the most faithful in the per formance of it.
 How WISE We are in thought How weak in practice Our very virtue, like our will, is-nothing.
 IT doesn't cost anything to remember the poor, but if you want the poor to re- member you it will cost you some- thing.
 PooR and content is rich, and rich enough; but riches, tineless, is as poor as winter to him that ever fears he shall be poor.
 Now THAT the baseball season is set ting in, the woman with the stained glass window is becoming properly nerv- ous and excited.
 A PATENT MEDICINE man says: "No. body should neglect cough" On the contrary, the less one has to do with a cough the better he is of.
 A WESTERN paper has an article en- titled "After the saloon what g' Well, in this city it is generally swelled head and a painful absence of cash.
 A REQUISITE for a position at Castle Garden-wages, three dollars day-is the capacity to speak six languages. At this rate languages may be eonsid- cred worth fifty cents day each.
 AN umbrella carriei over woman, the man getting nothing but the drip pings of tbe rain, signifies courtship. When the man has the umbrella and the woman the drippings it indicates marriage.
 PRoF. MERRIMAN declares that in "l0, 900 years the ocean will roll 200 feet deep over New York city," Well, there's one consolation for the New Workers; the streets of the city will be tolerably clean for once.
 LOUISE MICHEL passes her time in prison in writing stories for children. X great many persons in this country who write stories for children are not passing their time in prison, but should be if they got their deserts.
 NOWHERE abideth these things which every man can do better than any one else. Poke fire, put on his own hat, edit a newspaper, tell story-after another man has commenced it-and examine railway time table, Chicago Stu.
 A BROOKLYN girl will go to a dance and waltz several straight hours without complaining, but ask the same young lady to wrestle five minutes with the broom and she'll faint before she gets both hands fairly olasped around the handle.
 AN astronomer who has been engaged lately in the micro.metricd measure ments of Sirius has discovered its dis tance from the earth to be about l23, 750, 900. GOO, 900 miles," A journey to that star would be quite a Sirius under taking.
 PAsrEuR, the French scientist, has discovered means by which dog can be rendered absolutely proof against hy. drophobia. There has long been such a scheme in this country. A shotgun loaded with slugs never fails to do the business.
 Ir is all very nice for gentleman tc possess phenomenally intelligent set. ter dog, but that same dog rather over. steps the boundaries of his position and violates all the precepts of frrendshir when he stops at the closed door of u rum-shop on Sunday and compels his master toargue the case with him beior, he will move.
 A LADY writer in an agricultural paper I ls.,a all har hnNsg ff grow up ignorant of wholesome cookery and the fine art of sewing fails in hel duty" That is true. A knowledge oI cookery and sewing will come very handy if the boy happens to marry ( college girl.
 'I HAVE confession to make, Doctor, said a fair young parishioner to hei rector one Sunday morning As he joined her coming out of church; "I really couldn't keep awake in church this morning. and took little nap during part of your sermon" "You were really very fortunate" was the doctors quicl reply; "T had to hear all of il"
 A FRENCnMAN, having insulted ar editor, was precipitated down the edi tors stairs. The Frenchman appealed to the law. The otfense was not denied The justice asked the foreigner what his impressions were. and if he was mnct hurt. "No, sare," replied the French man, "I have not been hurt-ed, but I have been surprised, and considerably confns-ed."
 TIE Whitehall Times observes: "A twenty man theorizes, at forty he phil osophizes, and at sixty he realizes. Also, at twenty he scrutinizes--th' young ladies; at twenty-two he idolize |. .-a- fl -. s.4t... f.tt..-. .