South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1884-04-11

newspaper full without thinking.
What in thunder made you take MY
exchanges out of this room?' exclaimed
an editor in wrath, addressing the gut,a-
percha colored gentleman whose duty II
was to SWEEP the 'ssnctum' floor. 'Wha,
does yer mean, dem newspapers? Yes
Why the eeuce did you take 'em, away p
Il didn't know yer wantod EN-. boss.
seed yer cutsi- g 'em all ter pieces wild
par o scissors yiste'day. Thought yer
just wantod 'em to whit,ls on, so tuck
EN- away an fotch yer som, ole paper.
Wife wants dc new paper ter paste on do
wall, sab.'
FATHERLY ADvICE.-Some time since
a young man from this county went to
Texas, and not long afterward wrote
back TO his father here that he was get
ting along first iate-he had bought a
saw.mill, had plenty Of work and was
clearing $50 per day. The father upon
receipt Of the letter, became greatly OK.
cited, came az once to Lebanon and dis
patched the following telegram 10 bis
son :'Why don't you uuy another saw
mill and make Sl00 day PIX.
Ladies and gentlemen said an Irish
manager to his ard euce Of three, 'as
there is nobody here, I'll dismiss you all :;
the performance of this night will not he
performed, but will be repeated to-mor-
row evening"
The officer who opens the Court is call
cd the 'crier,' On che occasion the said
officer had lost his wife, who had led
Linn all uncomfortable life, and he was
OF course absent from Lis post. When
the court came IN the Judge, as usual
said. 'Mr. Crier, open the Cour'.' A
young and facctious lawyer addressed
the Court as follows: May it please
your Honor, Mr.. B--cannot cry to-
day he has lost his wife =
PHIL's GOVERNMENTAL Scotchman,
so Sydney Smith falsely said, requires
a surgical operation to get a joke through
his head. A writer in The Ledger, how
ever, tells tie story Of man who could
not get q conundrum through his head {:
There was time with the club when
conundrums and quaint play upon words
constituted the chief Of the post -pran-
dial enjoyment We had ali furnished
conundrums except Phil: and we told
him. one evening, if he didn't have q
good conundrum, fresh and new, for Us
on the following day, We would suspend
him for neglecting to furnish his quota
Of entertainment.
That night Phil fingered behind after
the Others had gone, and then applied
to our steward, Michael, to help him
out from his difficulty.
Mike give, me conundrum-a real
fresh one that's good fellow You
know I'll do as much for you any time
Mike knew it, and scratched bis head
and finally evolved the following: 1T
is my fathers child, and my mothers
child !; yet it is not my sister nor ny
brother.
Goodness NE! Mike, how can that
bc?' Why don't you see, Mr.. Barton?
It's myself am my fathers chi Id ard
my mothers child bat OF course / ain'G
my own brother nor sister, either
81 | see That's good Copital!-
Now let's see! And he repeated it, n.
til lie was sure he bad it right.
On the following day, over the des-
sert. Phil announced:
He, boys I've got conundrum fer
you and there amt one of on that can
answer it,
Go ahead, old fellow. Let us have
it.-Propound.'
Well. here it is: IL is my fathers
child, and my mothers child, yet it is
not my sister nor my brother.
They thought few moments, and
then one Of them cried out and The rest
Immediately followed suit
why, It's yoprsclf, Of course
No said Phil, shaking his head.
That ANTI It. You won't guess IT,.
But that is IL. 1t can't be anything
else. Look ST it for yourself
Il don't care. Faint right. Iou
haven't got it,
Wei, then, who csn it be? tell US
It's our steward, Nike H,cD9oyu1r
Pa, won't you help me to GEL ont
my problemsY Pa who 10 a minister
Il will help you, my son, bat am moth.
ing Of q Mathematician oh zee, YOU
are, pc, heard Deacon Jackson say you
knew how TO multiply words better than
any preacher no eyer heard