The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1884-03-14
THE TRIALS OF JONATHAN MOL.
LILY.

Jonathan Mollify was in despair. He
was ready to take en- affidavit that no
more hopelessly miserable specimens
of the genus homo existed than he, on
this beautiful Monday morning, Ammo
Domini, 1898, in that rarest of favored
countries-the Golden State. This
lugubrious condition of affairs was
nothing new; had it been, he might
have plucked up courage and hoped
for brighter days in the future. But,
years ago, he had given up all faith in
such well-worn adages as 1.-The darkest
cloud has a silver lining" Never was
so long night but was vanquished by
the light" ct cetera. Stuff and non
sense! The light was long time COM
ing, in his case. and he didn't see where
it was coming from, unless the gates of
a brighter world than this mundane
sphere should mercifully open before
him. 1t was all on account of Maria,
this darkness and chaos and misery,
and as for any lifting of the cloud in
that direction, one might as well look
for gold mine in the bottom of Salt
Lake. Maria had the upper hands, and
They had been in her possession-how
long? 1t seemed an eternity, bat it
could not be but a half-dozen years or
so, reckoning by little Jonathan, who
was babe in the cradle when the
movement was crowned with success.
Movement" you repeat. Why, yes,
the woman s. rights movement now in
full swing from shore to shore of this
glorious Republic, and sweeping Maria
Mollify along with it, wellnigh to the
humiliation of her true and trusty
spouse, Jonathan. Here it was Monday
morning, and Maria, despite her long
residence on the Pacific Coast. positively
would not forget the principle incul-
Gated in her youth. among the far
famed Yankees, that, whate'er betide,
Monday is wash-day. Yea, though the
skies fall, the weeks washing must be
done, and Monday isethe appointed
time. Jonathan was not sensible of
any decided objection to this pro-
gramme provided that Maria would in
terview the tub and wash-board herself,
but, alas! this was not the order of the
day in the new dispensation. Maria
was up and away. bright and early, on
official business connected with the an
nual convention of the Grand Union
Female Association of Liberty and
Equality, which was announced to be-
gin at nine a. M. of this very day, con-
tinuing through the week; and Jona-
than could still hear her metallic voice
calling from the buggy, as she gave the
detected steed cut of the whip, and
ratified out of the yard:
''Hurry up, now, and get that wash
out dryin' in some kind of season.
And don't let jeremiah get in mischief.
And, remember, shall be home to din
ner at twelve O'Clock, sharpr"
Shades of Erebus! what change in
that woman's voice since those foolish
days, ten years ago. when they two
went sparkling down by the river
bank, where the violets grew the thick
est, and the birds caroled the sweet
est. as if in sympathy with the lovers
VINO strolled through their shady re-
treats. Foolish days. yet Jonathan
liked to recall them. But for the
memory Of them, he sometimes feared
he would throw off the CALLING yoke,
and launch into the sea of eternity.
Who could have foreseen such con-
tingency as this? who realized the
startling changes arising from pro-
gressive times. which had metamor-
phosed sweet Maria Moulton into the
present Maria Mollify? Not Jonathan
Mollify, or never would he have slipped
his neck Tito the moose matrimonial
that was as certain as tradesmen's bills
at New Years. But there was no dis
putting the fact-women were now
voters. otfice-holders and proprietors
generally; and perhaps it was natural
sequence of centuries of-so-called--
oppression that they carried their new
dignities and responsibilities in very
high-handed manner, assuming the au-
thority in domestic matters. as well as
the lions share in political affairs.
Anyhow Maria Mollify was not going
to be outdone by any one else, either at
home or abroad She gloried in the
opportunity to display abilities that lay
dormant and unrecognized prior to that
grand and memorable day when the
emancipation of the female sex was le-
=gally effected. All. well-a-day! it had
been rough sailing for the iiscomfited
--aAoSSo-AhCo SNci eluCc, tSpSCldllh lOI
those who. like himself, were so I'M
fortunate as to be bound hard and fast
by the ties of wedlock to bright and
shining star, leader invincible and I'M
sdacnted, in the new dominion. Maria S
services were constantly in demand, and
her time was consequently TOO valuable
TO be spent in obscuritr at home. Jona-
than. being of less note and usefulness
IN the political world, must render him.
self OF service at the hearthstone This
Maria thought eminently proper
and consistent. 1t was, there
fore, Jonathan who washed the dishes,
cooked the meals-on time, too, or he
rued his tardiness-tended the babies,
and otherwise kept oiled and in motion
the machinery of the household. And
this it was which had transformed him
from a joyous bridegroom to a disheart-
ened, spiritless shadow of man.
''Ouch! ou-ou-ou OUGHT" came a
mighty howl from the kitchen. "Papa,
papa! l want my papa! ow-ow-ow-
Iow''
''Great goodness! what's that child
into nowa Maria charged me to look
after him. and forgot all about it.