davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
MOTHER-IN-LAW.
bob Burdette Explains why She Is Sian
burlington Hawkeye.

Bob Burdstte Explains why She Is Sian
dered.
burlington Hawkeye.
She meeteth her son-in-iaw at tn,
door when the new clock toileth four
teen, and he essayeth to let himself into
the hall by unlocking the front gat,
with his watch-key. And for this oft
times he feareth her.
She knoweth his ways and his tricks
are not new unto her. She is up to all
his excuses, and when he sayeth he wa
detained down at the bank until the
next morning;
Or, that the last ear had gone and he
had to walk;
Or, that he was sitting up with sick
friend;
Or, that he was looking for his collar
button;
Or that he was drawn on the jury;
Or, that he had joined the astronomy
class;
Or that his books wouldn't balance:
Then doth sne get onto him with both
feet, for she sayeth within herself: "All
these things hath his father-in.law said
unto me, for 10, these many years. Lo,
this is also vanity and vexation OF
spirit"
And for this he feareth her yet more
and more.
Why, what this country needs. TO keep
il from going to the bow.wows, is few
more mother-in-laws of the good, old
fashioned school, to stand between
Young housekeepers and greedy-world
A home without q mother-in-law is a
home without its guardian angel.
There never was but one home estab.
lished without a mother-in-law. And
that seems to have been a mistake. That
mother-in-lawless home walked right
into trouble, as the sparks fly upward
II went right out into the orchard and
ordered fruit for two, and got all the rest
of us into more trouble than all the good
old mothe. -in-laws of to-day can ever
get us out Of Away with all this outra-
geous abuse of the nother-in-law. Have
you no sense Of gratitude, Young man?
Do you love your wife? Oh, most deyo-
tedly. Well, then, where would YOU
have got your wife, had it not been for
your mother-in-law?
And another thing, young man. Some
day. when You are saying smart things
about your motber-in-law, sit down and
fasten the tackle of your brilliant intel.
lect upon the subject, and 90 not let 90
of it until ycu have calmly, honestly
impartially studied the question in ali
its bearings: "My wife-how about her
mother-in- -law?"
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
why He Wouldn't DO.
Arkansaw Traveller.

A highly recommended young man
applied for a position in dry goods es-
tablishment.
Il like your looks" said the proprietor
"and do not doubt that the recommen-
dation given you by such eminent gen
tlemen are richly deserved. vet ! cannot
employ you. The main duty Of the po-
sition which is now vacant is collecting
bills. You would never do for bill col
lector."
"Why not, sir?'
Because You walk with limp"
"Very true, but can get around ac-
lively"
"Oh, yes, but you see lame r,an new
er makes successful bill collector.
Now, for instance you went to call on a
man. He would notice yo limp, and
would Immediately size up your foot
steps. ' Jr tbimp thimp, thalnp thamp,
would soon become familiar to his ear
and he would get out of your way. A
bill collector should be able to disguise
his walk. Excuse me a moment" and
the merchant disappeared. A moment
afterwards lame man entered and ask
ed for the tradesman, but learning that
he was ont went away. When the mer-
chant reappeared, he said:
THAT young follow was a collector,
but you see ] have got onto his walk. |
am glad that an example has been pre-
sented so opportunely. Good day.
If you should ever get over yonr lame
ness, come around"
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
Mr.. Blains's New Book.
The Hatchet.

my dear" said Mr.. Blaine TO Gail
Hamilton one day last week, would you
put comma or semi colon afier that
sentence?"
"A comma, jimmy answered Miss
Dodge, after reading the line.
And would you put dash before and
alter that line, or put 1t in parentheses7"
asked MI. Blaine, pointing to another
portion of bis manuscript
"Parentheses, Jimmy, of course" re-
sponded Mr.. T. Carlyle's American an.
And would you" began Mr.. Blaine,
but Miss Dodge interrupted him by tax.
ing the pen ont OF his hand and saying:
Jimmy you had better go out and
hunt up. delegates to 20 to the Chicago
convention and let me finish this work.
II you begin to write on It now the
change in style will be too noticeable to
the publicn
Then Mr.. Blaine went down to the
capitol and Miss Dodge wrote twenty
tight pages of Garfield cabinet history in
the nrst person.
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
Literary.
. Merchant Traveller .

Two young ladies of literary tastes in
Clifton, were discussing their reading
". en- one of them remarked:
Il have been engaged with adelightiul
work for week past"
Indeed, what Is it?"
"Anthony Trolope's autobiogapnery."
"Who is The author?"
Really, don't know. | have looked
over the title page and through the pre-
face, but can't find any reference to the
author 1t all. Whoever it is. is a charm
ing writer, and seems t. have knswn the
novelists very intimately.
"l',l get it and read 1t, but It u too pro.
voking, isnt It, that % many delightful
sutholS oflate ays writing anonymo1slys"
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
PERSONAL.
AlKANaAA

The Queen of Tahiti is fine fiddler
Matthew Arnold never used toba eco
Emily Faithful will soon sail for Eng
land.
Governor Critenden says he didn't kis
Patti.
JEFF Davis will be seventy-six years
old in June.
Rosa Bonheur is still under medical
treatment.
The Princess of Whales Is noted for
her quiet tasoe in dress.
Queen Elizabeth, of Roumania, Is said
to write as well a. newspaper reporter
Mr.. G.P. Lanthrop has been some
what lionixed in Washington literary
society.
The wife of Senator Logan is working
hard for her husbands nomination for
the Presidency.
Archibald Forbes, the famous English
war correspondent, has settled down to
hard work in order to regain his lost
fortune.
Genera, Sam Cary, when advocating
Greenhack doctrines, keeps himself
in practice by delivering temperance
lectures; theme on which his natural
eloquence shows to better advantage. =
The Princess Hohenlohe, wife OF the
German Ambassador to Paris, recently
wore necklace composed of seven rows
oflarge pearls. Over this black velvet
ribbon supported large diamond pend
ant.
Postmaster vansickle, of Vansickle,
Hunt County, Texas, according to the
Greenville CTexas) Banner, is a veteran
ofthree wars, and has lived under three
different governments, viz: Spanish.
Mexican, Republic Of Texas, United
Stated, the Southern Coniederacy, and
the United States again. He was born
in Monterey, Mexico, Of Polish parents,
and emigrated eastward to Texas at an
early age.
Thomas Palmer, the lumber king"
Senator from Michigan, is broad
shouldered. healthy looking man of fifty
three, with full, not particularly intel
lectuai face, q black moustacne, and
restless black eyes. He used to be ar
amateur artist. When be was in college
his eyesight failed. and he went to Spain
for his health with fellow student
They went on foot all over Spain, taking
pictures of interesting ruins, pretty
girls, ETC., and tins made up collection
Of pictures which the Senator still owns
and prizes highly.
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10

preston in this world, it is funny man.
] would rather be called thief, for he
who answers to the name of funny man
is thief, ss he rarely gives credit"
81 am glad that i have found some
thing that can arouse you"
Il am proof against an ordinary mis-
sile, but you can gouge hole In an ALL
gators back with q steel drill"
"Some time ago you said that l sold
myself. Now. in case ! should ever mar
~ again, what kind OF a man would you
advise me to choose?"
Marry any one but man who dab
bles In literature. Men who aspire to
literature are peculiarly constituted. Ii
is this peculiar mental constitution that
causes them to write. 1t is not through
desire for renown, but to satisfy curl
GUS yearning to spread their thoughts
on paper. l do believe that if writing
were regarded by law as Illicit distilling
with inevitable odium attendant upon
the name of every writer, there would be
but slight falling off in the number OF
bookmakers. | do not advise you be-
cause think that literary man would
treat you unkindly, but because of neg
lect which you might fancy. A man
who writes has no rest from work. Even
in his sleep, he is catching at the ravel-
led end Of idea. He is never a good com
panion, for if he thinks of something
worth saying, he instinctively reserves 1t
for his insatiate pen."
Another speech like that, Mr.. Mexle-
ton, will make me tired"
"Then | shall not make another"
lighting cigar.
Il think that it is time for me to leave
this place." she said, after thoughtful
silence. 81 came here because | was tir-
ed of fashionable watering places. but
now | find that must leave here"
"Getting TO bet fashionable for youY
"Oh, no."
"Tiied Of the place, ! suppose"
"No."
Then why should you leave?"
"Don't you really know"
II do not
Cant you guess?"
"No."
81 don't see how you can be so stupid.
Everyone else can see but you."
"See vhat?"
THAT | am dead in love with you.
that's what" and she covered her face
with her hands.
Annie" he said, taking her hands,
II have loved you for years. have lol-
lowed you from one place to another,
not constantly, but would 90 to place
when learned that you had gore there.
Until came here had not the courage
to seek your acquaintance, and even here
! should not have spoken TO you had you
not first addressed me. | want you TO
be my wife,"
And want you to be my husband,
she said laughing"
"Of course. We couldn't very well ar
range il otherwi.e.'
Don't you think, though, you are sell
ing yourself" she asked.
"No. for I am one of your devilish
lucky fellows"
"You shan't be literary man any
longer, for there will be no necessity of
your writing. Never mind what you
said about the illicit distille-s, We can
arrange all that"
Wont you let me scribble occasion
ally"
"No, shall lock up your writing ma
terial. Now, are you happy?"
Il should remark"
"Well come on. There is preacher
at the hotel, and think that this mar
riage should take place at once. You
see how soon / have begun to man &c
you"
"All right. An early start an early
stop"
They are married.
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
what Nobody Ever saw.

Philadelphia Call,
A white elephant.
A happy old bachelor.
A woman climb tree.
A gas meter look tired.
A modest Chicago drummer.
Anna Dickinson as Rosalind
Good butter in New York city.
jay Gould speculating in stocks.
The ankle of 35-year-od maiden.
An unentitled Kentucky gentleman.
A policeman when he wanted one.
A train late when he wasfate himself.
A woman's rights woman firt with a
dude.
A Boston millionaire who didn't look
hard-up'
A Bostanian "a, baked beans away
from home.
A spring poem that WASN'T dashed of
in n hurry"
4 knothole without irving to expector-
ate through 1t.
4 Philadelphia girl vino wssn't pretty
and modest.
A fat woman fail on the stset and
hurt herself any.
A dog running backward with tin
| kettle tied to his tail
A female book agent who would take
"No" for an answer.
An editer who preferred to smoke
pipe" refuse cigar
4 man call for "a little whisky" who
didn't take big drink,
DIR. Mary Walker in sealskin sack,
and nobody ever will.
A ten-dollar bill lying ON the street
without picking it up.
A baby on a railroad train that didn't
make more noise than the engine
The legend paint" upon door with
out testing the matter with his finger.
A successful candidate ask a voter TO
take drink three weeks after election.
A biliard-saloon keeper who would
acknowledge that his tables weren't
"even."
Stewed terrapin On a clearinghouse
table for more than three DAYS in sue
cession.
A minister who couldn't go to Europe
for "a brief rest" if his congregations In
sisted upon it.
A husband out shopping with his wife
who don't wear a tired and disgusting
look upon his face.
A printer give away chew of tine-cut
tobacco without saying 'it swells in the
mouth
Two young women pass on the street,
both wearing new spring suits, who
didn't turn their heads TO look at each
other.
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
ANfLERS FOR ORNAMENTS.
The sort that are Sold and Their Pr,ce.
The Fashionable Boar. Head.

N. Y. Sun
Where do you get such big deer ant.
lers as thoee7' said young man to a
black-eyed, curly-banged girl in a taxid.
ermist's store in William street. He re.
ferred to pile on the walk. The Girl
dropped a crow black bird. which she
was fayng, and said:
Those deer horns grow on elks in
Montana. They are not very large !,
compared with others"
The young man was directed to an
adjoining room. A red-mouthed no,sr
bear, with paws wide apart, greeted him
on one side as he opened the door and
a leopard, with arched back and knotted
muscles, seemed to snarl at him ON tho
other. Overhead, hanging from tany.
led mass of whitened horns, ana on ey.
cry side of the room, there was a throny
OF monkeys, squirrels, birds, and ami.
mails Of a hundred varieties, all in att;.
tudes which looked as If the old baboor
In the corner with bis finger to his lipe
bad checked them In the MIDI Of .
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
Another Corner Comes to Grief.
Wall Street News


The agent Off New York grocery house
happened into small establishment in
village in New Hampshire the other
dav, and, noticing that the grocer had a
humping big stock Of Goldfish on hand,
he said:
"How did you come to invest in cod
fishf"
We'll 1 kinder figured for corner,
you see."
"How?"
why bought up every pound of it
in town, and the roads are so bad that
no more can be got in here for month. !"
And how have you succeeded
"Bu sted all to smash" was the sprrow-
f1l rtply. Just az got the corner fixed
the only three families In tcwn that eat
eodnsh went Of to Florida 70 spepd Tie
wintsEi"
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
Took AN Inventory.
Wall Street News.
They are married.

In January last, good, old-iashioned
dealer in dry goods, groceries, hardware,
and pretty much everything else, in the
central portion of the State, decided to
take an inventory for the first time in
.wenty-one years. About the time II
was completed commercial traveller
for house in this city happened alons
and asked hin. how he came out.
"Well. it's kinder dubious" was the
reply.
"How?"
"Why, / fell short of my estimate
stock by about $1,000"
"ADd you don't know how to make
your figures come out even?"
81 confess | don't"
"Well, all you have to do is to mark
everything up 20 per cent
"Gineral Jackson!" gasped the old
man; but kicked around in bed for
three straight nights and never thought
of that. That's the way, of course, and
up goes the price of caliker and fiat
irons"
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
The Cellars thst Men Wear.
N. Y. Times.

In the window of down town gents
furnishing" store, is heap of linen col
larr. A sign above them says odd sizes
cents each.
"what are the odd sizes in collars?''
clerk was asked.
Anything belowl4 and above IS
should say was odd" answered the young
man behind the counter. "The average
size Is Is. We sell more l4l.2, Is, and
15.1-2 than any other sizes. The sizes in
collars run from Is to 20 l-2. Thirteen
Is boys size. We keep 10 l-2 in stock.
A 20 1-2 collar would nearly slip over
the head of a man wearing No. hat.
think we sell more l5 than any other
one size. 1t depends good deal on the
class of trace one has. A collar to set
well ought to be half size larger than
the shirt.
Are collars ever made to order?"
"Yes, sometimes. Shirt makers take
orders for them, and they send the ord
ers to collar factory. Usually, though,
the collars that come back are not just
the kind the customer wanted. The best
linen collars in the world are made in
Troy"
Are they patened in any way?"
"Yes. The trademarks are copyright
ed. The names are not copyrighted,
though. There is collar we sell for
twenty-five cents. Within half doz-
en- blocks from where We stand you can
buy collay with the same name for ten
cents. 1t isn't the same collar bv any
means. 1t won't wear as this one will
but II will sell and three persons out of
five would think they were getting bar
gain"
"How about paper cellars?"
"We don't sell them. Haven't kept
them in two or three years A good
many people wear them yet but our
customers don't want them. Now and
then some fellow who has been on spree
will come in and want TO buy one paper
collar. Such fellows would buy halfa
dozen if they could. remember when
paper cOildIs llTst Degdn 10 bt worn. i
was youngster then-.he devil in
country newspaper Office in Western n.
Y. The first box had Ipaid thirty-ive
cents for. When they became soiled, /
pasted clean white paper over them. and
wore them for an ,ther week. IL was not
thought to he ANYTHING ont Of the way.
On the contrary, m ingenuity was COM
menced, and ] haii uitators' Afterward
paper collars were made reversible. ]
believe they are so made now. The last
we had we bought from soap man. He
wanted to advertise new kind of soap,
SO he put ups cake in each box of col
lars. We bought the collars for $2.40a
dosen, or twenty cents a box. and sold
them at twenty-five cents. Some firms
kept the soap and sold the collars at the
same price they paid for them"
"Are celiuoid collars and cuffs sold at
ali7-
mot much. The last we had we
bought for the Georgia Minstrels. They
lose their gloss after the first washing.
Still, they are pretty good thing ifa
man is travelling.
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
Father a- witness; SON as Attorney.

e st. Louis Globe-Democrat
In the Standard Theatre case, Edward
Butler, one of the defendants, testified.
his son, Lawyer James l.. Butler, being
his counsel. Mr. Butler took his seat
and the following colloquy between at
torney and witness-also between father
and son--occurrcd:
q. What is your name?
A. My name is Edward Butler.
q. Have you any middle name7
A. No, have not.
q. Where do you reside7
A. In 81. Louis.
q. How long have YOU lived there7
A. About twenty-seven yeafs.
q. Are you well acquainted in the
city?
A. Yes, AN. Very we'll indeed. I've
known you good while.
q, What Is your occupation7
A. A blacksmith.
z. Are you married or single?
The direct answer of the witness was
lost in the noise of the court, but voice
irom the stand was heard TO say soto
voice; IF wasn't married man, how
could you be practicing law in this
court p
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
A New Town.
Merchant Traveller.

Mamma said little school girl, in
rently studying the map, a can't find
such place as Soforth. Where is it?'
"Why, child, | never heard of it.
don't believe there's such place in the
country"
Yes there is. too, for papa said he had
been there"
"When?"
This very morning. Mr.. Brown ask
ed him where he had been, and he said,
Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Wash.
ington and Soforth.' Now, If there ISM {
any such place, how could he have bee-
there?'
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
Jtmmyson's Biunder.
Cincinnati Times Star.

He was we'll dressed, and to all appear
ances tnorouah gentleman. On open
ing the Office door he immediately walk
ed over to Jimmyson's desk and remark
ed:
"Fine morning, this"
"No," replied Jimmyson, as he menta
lly siexed up the strangers, ~ dom,
want Universal Compendium of HUI
man knowledge, to be paid for on the
easy payment, mutual life insurance plan.
my good sir" began the other.
ave got FloweIs of Poetry" inter
rupted Jimmyson, "and my library is as
eemplete ~ ! want It,"
Dukr ~ ~ s(snaQk.
= - - entno pn1ne mQends
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
A Beautiful Widow.
CHAPTER |.

The first appearance of a beautiful wo.
man at watering-place, be it fashiona-
BILE or retired, never fails to create a SEN
sation, for at such places there are al
ways men who look forward to little else
than the social ripples which beauty
ever causes. Wien Mrs. Annie Whit
low arrived at Calls Head Springs, Ar
kansaw, every little "squint" of fellow
which means single men; every careless
fellow, which means married men, and
every "blow,' which means politician,
were eager to become acquainted with
her. She was widow, young, and so
thrillingly handsome. Aside from the
charm of being a widow, young, and so
thrillingly handsome, she was rich. Only
few years before she had married old
Whitlow. OF course she did not love
him, but she was a child 50 dutiful that
she married him to please her mother.
She was liberal with old Whitlow and
spared no means of making his funeral
success. After seeing him comforta-
bly, buried, she went abroad for time.
When she returned her widows weeds
had blossomed into gayest flowers. Why
she should have sought such an out.of-
the-way place as Calls Head Springs, in
the mountains of western Aikansaw, or
how, for the matter, she had ever learn
ed that such place existed, was ques-
ton which none ofthe "squInts" careless
fellows nor blows" could answer. The
ladies' of Calls Head soon discovered
that she was an "impudent thing" but
all of the available male material was
soon in love with her. Even old man
Dockery. who suffered with rheumatism
and a wife, mainly the latter, could
scarcely keep away from the window,
and once while he was exchanging few
words with her on the hotel piazza, his
wife ina sharp voice called to him:
Joseph, Joseph, say"
"Yessum."
"Come here. Joseph"
When he came, she shook him, and
said: Joseph, don't you know better
than to fool away your time that way?
I don't-don't think you will have me
with you much longer, Joseph"
This assertion might have been en-
couraging, but he had heard it too often.
Don't you know that ! can't be with
you always, Joseph?'
81 don't know" he replied.
"Why do you want to worry the life
out of me?' and she burst into tears ard
obbed
May the Lord ever deliver me from
a maudlin womau," remarked an un-
concerned, slip-shod sort of a fellow who
passed along.
~ don't blame you" rejoined the pret-
" widow, who overheard the remark.
Good evening, Miss
II am not Miss" replied Mrs. Whit
low.
"How are you, sirG''
"I'm not sir. Man. you must be era
~"
'Wh, I see You are the rich young
widow whose rage Of imperious beauty
and-money have come so nearly stand
ing this neigLlorhood on it's head. Well
how do you find yourself, anyhow
She looked at him for moment, with
a puzzled expression, and with dignity,
replied:
81 think. sir, that you are drawing very
heavily on 80 short an acquaintance"
$50 the draft is protested. Well, one
should never draw on short acquaint-
ance, for when an acquaintance is short,
hard run, as is frequently the case, moth
ing but protest can Le expected"
Il don't know what 10 think ct you"
she said, walking along With him
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10
A BUNDLE Or LicTTERs.
FRANK DExPsTER SHERMAN.

strange how much sentiment
Clings like u fragrant scent
To these love letters sent
In their pink covers;
Day after day they came,
Feeding loves fickle fame;
Now, she has changed her name
Then. we were lovers.
Loosen the silken band
Round the square bundle. and
See what a dainty hand
Scrubbed TO fill it
Full of facetious chat;
Fancy how long she sat
Moulding the bullets that
Came with each billet.
All, I remember still,
Time that used to kill
waiting the postman's shrill
Heart-stirring whistles.
Calling vague doubts to mind.
Whether or no I'd find
One he had left behind.
or her epistles.
Seconds become an age
At this exciting stage:
Two eager eyes the page
Scan for a inmate;
Then, with true lovers art,
study II part by part,
Until they know by heart
Everything In 1t.
What is II all aboutp
Dashes for words left out
Pronouns beyond doubt
Very devoted.
Howeils she's just begun;
Dobson her heart has won:
L,sker and TennysoD
Frequently quoted.
Criss-cross the reading goes,
Rapturous rhyme and prose
Words which don't suppose
Look very large in
Books on the ologies;
Then there's tiny frieze,
Full OF sweets In a squeeze,
Worked on the margin.
Lastly-don't pause to laugh
That Is her autograph
Signing this truce for half
Her hearts surrender;
Post-scriptum one anc two
Dessert-the dinners through
Linking the ~" and You"
In longings tender.
Such Ia the type of all
Save one, and let me call
Brief notice TO this smal.
Note neatly written:
'Tis but card. you see,
Gently informing me
That It can never bel
This is the mittcn!
The Osceola times., 1884-05-10

soa An n Indiana jury has lust awarded
eoo,ooo damages 10 a woman who swore
that man kissed her 5000 times. It's
= mighty cold.b!ooded woman who will
Keep count when kisses ne 40 thick,
ana the unfortunate vic iu of her de-
cNt Y entitled to the mpathy Of hi
combining ssx.-LeweI Citizen.