Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-07-09

"Everything makes me sick to-day
"Ah," replied the landlady, sympathet-
ically, "you require spring tonic"
EYES," said Bolts, as he took a cold bean
on his fork, "the doctor prescribed one
for me the other day." "Indeedl what
was it?" "Well, he said for toning up
an empty stomach therewas nothing
like poached egg and nice mutton
chop Boston Budget.
"DoN'T lock that door," shrieked a
Vassar girl as she rushed into the
geology class room and began to feel
under the edge of the benches. "What
have you lost?" asked the professor.
"I think I left it in this room," she re-
piled, as she ran her fair white fingers
up and down the door posts and under
the window sill. "Oh! I must find it.
I can't live without it. What shall ]
do?" "What have you lost?" repeated
the kind professor, with sympathy.
Five mis-p-pl- Placed" sobbed the
young lady, 1--WE mi-i-i-sp-placed my
ch-ch-chewing g-g-um."--[ Graphic.
Mrs. A.-"Oh, dear, it is too dread
full. / had three complete sets of new
dishes last fall, and all have gone to
rnin." Mrs. B." In what way?" Mrs.
A.-"The servants broke them, OF
course" Mrs. B.-Well, have never
kept house. We have boarded ever
since our marriage, but I have often
thought that if I did begin [ should at
the very start make it rule to charge
the servants for everything broken %
Mrs. Alt would do no good; tried
that once" Mrs. B,-"How did it
work? ?" Mrs. A When the girl left
[ owed her $40 and she owed me $3.50"
i Philadelphia Call.
us my shaving agreeable to you, sir ?"
a lOquacious barber asked a customer
whom he had been faying alive. "My
wife would admire it very much, " rather
indefinitely responded the man under
torture. "Ah," said the barber with
great compIacency, ladies are often ex-
cellent judges of their husbands being
we'll shaved. And you think mine will
suit, sir?" "No doubt of it in the world.
It was only this morning she became
very angry because I told her I could
not afford to buy her spring bonnet,
and she said I ought to be skinned
alive" The barber lost himself in re-
Fiction.
"MELINDY," said Uncle Zeke, as he
and the ole oman were discussing some
purchases to be made in the city.
kant sea watcher want with so menny
little trimmin's and fxin's; you amt no
young gal now, an I think you orter be
satisfied with one nice kalliker dress"
Yes, I s'pose So" was all she said. The
next morning Zeze arose at his usual
hour and proceeded to his little brown
Jug, to take his morning nip; when 10!
it was empty. "Melindy," he yelled,
awhar's my hkergoneto?" "Zeke,' she
said, smiling sweetly, "you amt as
young as you ulster be, an I kant see
watcher you want withso menny fxin's;
SO / jest emptied the Jug, an I think We
orter to be satisfied with nothin' but
such a purity little Jug" Uncle Zeke
caved. s @ kgFrs sFf
"Is there any given of the mittin' in
the upper spheres?" asked the inquirer.
81 do not exactly catch your meaning"
said Mrs. Cuppy. Il mean, does any
spirit Teller git shook by his spirit gal ?"
e [ think catch your drift" said the
lecturess. "In the spheres of incalcu-
liable space the congeniality of the es-
sences that go to make the forms of the
disembodied are attracted one to the
other, and remain together inseparably
through the intensity of the intense.
Your question is answered IN the
"That means that there amt
no shakin' up yonder?" said the brill
iant-haired granger. "Your interpre-
tation is correct" was the reply. "Then,
by gosh, [ wish there was a fast boat
from Benicia to the spheres, for I've
been shook by every gal in the town,
and I'd like to get to some place where
a strawberry blonde is appreciated"
A YOUNG Partisan has just got little
more than even with one or those per-
tinacious bores of haircrtters who in
Europe try to bully us into buying
their wares. The man threatened young
Mr.. Talensier with speedy badness I'M
less steps were at once taken to pre-
vent it, and assured the laughing youth
that "our vegetable wash is of course
the only salvation and before he knew
where he was the customer found his
head dripping with the precious prepa
ration. Operations . concluded, Mr..
Talensier put down before the young
lady at the counter the two francs he
usually paid. "What is this, sir? she
softly inquired. ''The charge is twenty
francs ''Why?" GA bottle of our re-
generator has been opened for you" In
vain Mr.. Talensier explained that this
was not done by his order; but the
court, to which he carried his case,
fined the haircutter So.
Two Plates of Gold.