davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
Artemus Ward aud Lee.

What was the question, colonel you
WISHED to put to Friend Browne" said
the proprietor whose ruddy countenance
shone with pleasure.
"Well, simply this: partly for my own
satisfaction and partly 10 answer those
who have asked me questions. Pray,
Mr.. Brown, did YOU fight against us
during the war;
This was uttered in sober earnestness
We felt that II was out Of place; and yet
We couldn't help admiring the colonel's
genuine honesty and simplicity Of
purpose and feeling.
Artemus' eyes twinkled, though his
face was composed and his manner
serious, as he answered: "S.nce came
south, colonel, have been frequently
asked that question. Permit me 10
answer l. in my own fashion" He drew
himself up and folded his arms We
drew closer around him, anxious TO hear
the humorist for once express himself
seriously.
Il did my duty faithfully, colonel, by
sending substitute to the war. have
never met him since. Doubtless, he will
yet return to his family'1 bosom, to draw
a pension in my place. | was therefore
excused from further active service. But
| always openly proclaimed il"-here he
was exceedingly impressive-'that a.
long as Gen. Lee kept away from me,
! would keep away from him. | would
never 90 after him. BIT | said,
nevertheless, repeatedly and without
concealnent, that ifever Gen. Lee and
his $4,000 men came marching up into
northwest New York state, where my old
mother and ! lived on my humble
homestead, and Gen. Lee was to order
his $4,000 men to attack my homestead
did say, as said before. that would
send my old mother to the rear; and
would take iown my giandatier's old
musket; and I'd send Gen. Lee word;
and if he and his $4,000 men didn't
retreat. would attack every man OF
them, and follow them to the Po.omac.
And You see, colonel, Gen. Len must
have heard of this for he never once
came near me"
Amid the burst Of laughter which fol-
lowed, he departed, and never saw
him again,
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
-==------------
The llhIor as IA W eapOu.

THE razor il becoming an obsolete
weapon among the black people on the
leyee," said a colored officer of the Ilar-
rison street police station. THE young
bloods have mostly departed Grom the
traditions Of the plantation, and now if
ole of them wants to get even with
anybody he generally provides himself
with a revolver. OF course it doesn't
follow that he attempts TO do auv shoot
ing. Frequently he merely carries 1t
around in bis pocket and brags about it
and shows it to his friends in the saloons
After a few days he pawns it or gets ar
rested for carrying concealed weapon.
No, the old days OF carving outlets out
of man with razor have nearIy gone
by. Two or three times ayear, may be,
some particularly vicious black nan
slices somebody with "a dozen gashes
each foot long, but that sort Of thing
isn't considered good form nowaGa, ~
How did coloIed people come to adopt
the razor as a weapon "
w tll, lllt FIhNNo VA wv lfA'.a'N''N'
were generally not allowed to own guns
or pistols. 1t was against the law for any
one 10 sell them ammunition. Mary Of
them could get razors easily. They got
accustomed to carrying razors, and
many Of those who moved north, after
the war. brought razors in their pockets
sleeves, or slowed away in the legs Of
their boots. To carry razors had become
a sort of tradition with the blood
thirsty ones"
"How is an attack Tade with IA.
zor?"
Rough and tumble, any way to
get there. Ifthe man who - attacked
doesn't turn aud run, he gets sla he'd IN
the face and arms, or both. 1t he tries
to run away lie is likely to get a rake in
the back which will lay open the tl,sl
so wide that the surgeon cIn look
through the mans ribs into his interior
like small boy pecping through the
pckets of an orchard fence. A razjr is .
terrible weapon. | would rather face a
revolver than one OF them any day.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
liuyhood IIeroes.

Several men were speaking Of their
boyhood heroes. when on Of them re-
marked: The affairs Of life take many
sudden turns. When went to school
used TO almost worship boy whom |
knew would become great man. lie
was always at the head Of his classes,
and held up by the teacher as an exam
pie Of intellectual strength. The other
day, when went back 10 the home Of
nv youth, saw him. What do you
suppose he was doing"
"a leading lawyer, no doubt"
"No, sir
Celebrated physician 2'
"No."
"Notcd politician 2"
NO; he curried horses for living.
could not but help muse over his once
brilliant prospects, and to toke sadder
view Of life"
Not as bad a. my case said another
Of the company IL used 10 Worship a
hero at school. lie was brilliant ora
tor, and wrote pieces tor the village
newspaper that challenged the admlGa-
ton OF the most eminent ciliz 'ns Of the
town. Every one supposed lac you'd be
great editor or stitesmln. Well, le-
Gently visited the ncighborhood, and
like you. could not help but muse over
his brilliant prospects, and 10 take a
sadder view Of life"
what was he doing? Cleaning out
wells for living"
"No, sir
"ClcrK in a hide house ?'
NO"
Conductor Of hod?'
"No, sir"
Society reporter for weekly papcr?'
No"
What was he doing, then?'
"He wasn't doing anything. He was
dead ~
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
FASHIONS FANCIES.

The newest shades Of pink is called
famingo.
Finger cosey' is the latest name in.
vented for ladies' mulis.
Velvet flowers are the favoritc. ga nj
ture for Partisan bonnets.
Gloves in all shades OF brown and tan
are worn with all sorts OF dresses.
Ladies in Paris are wearing modifica-
ton of the old fashioned pointed girdle.
Artificial roses, made of silk and satin,
are furnished for garniture to ball
dresses.
Golden.brown cloth suits with real
gilt braid are made by Paris tailors IN
the styles in favor with English ladies.
All-g.ay trimming-furs are used to
adorn the favored gray and green velvet
or cloth costumes of the coming season.
Small-headed diamond pms, pearl,
gold and silver pins are thrdst about in
the laces of jabots and frills on dressy
corsages.
The most beautiful fabrics for the
evening dresses OF the winter are tulleS
gauzes embroidered in gold and colors.
Velveiecn is much worn by the first
people OF both English and French so-
ciety, but the velveteen is also of the
'rirst quality
Shell hair-pins with elitterinc Rhine
stones in the curved end are worn as or
namen's thrust through the coils of the
back hair.
A basque and drapery of Gobehn serge,
with antique figures and dull color, are
the newest over-dresses for velvet skirts.
Valtnciennes lace is again in vogue for
trimming evening toilets of silk and vel
VT, but the reign of D1clIess lace is un.
absted.
Straghtcoats, in old surtout style, are
shown, made of black satin, sublime,
lined with ruby plush, ard trimmed
with chenille applique bands and brande-
bourgs.
Silver clover leaves, covered with tiny
Diamond chipIi incs, made to resemble
drops OF dew, are among the new designs
in f,ncy jewelry, the set consisting of n
lace-pin earrings, hair ornament, slide
and bangle bracelet.
The Parisians have given up the little
knot of hair, twisted tight in the nape of
the neck, and now twist all the back
hair into thick torsade, in the shape OF
figure s, en- the top of the head in
front the hair is waved in bandeaux.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
"No. sir; il has Just begun

mo, sir; il has Just begun.
"Give me a general admission.
Two minuter later the man came ou'
again in towering rage.
Whats the reason can't get seat
he demanded. ,,.
General admission does not entltle
YOU to reserved seat, sir"
"Why not? I've paid my money and
wan, q seat. and I'm going TO have one
or else | want my money back.
.Ifyou're not satisfied l can return
your money
II don't want it; ! want seat, and
I'm going to bave one :,
Don't speak 80 loudly, sir; you dis
turb the audience inside q,
81 don't care - for the audience.
"Here; what's all this noise about 2
exclaimed the manager, who had Just
come in.
Josephus explained the situation OF
affairs. 49,,
The young man is right said the
manager; "you can't have reserved
sea. for general admission"
"This IS a - swindle" exclaimed
the man. .
Give this person his money said the
manager. The dollar bill was handed TO
him.
"But | don't want my money" ex-
claimed the man.
The manager then made quiet sign
to the policeman standing by the gate
and Il o next moment the irate man
landed in the middle of Broadway. -
'Josephus,' said Ptarximander, II dc
| not wish to be bOx-office man.'
"Ptarximander," remarked Josephus
"yol have q high forehead like Jersey
| bull calf"
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
Saved by y Dream.
Washington Letter


recently met very extraordinary old
gentleman. Colonel Thomas ). Dabney,
who was Sorn in Virginia, brt Is now
citizen Of Mississippi. At 6 ycars OF
age he has the appearance, facullies and
constitution OFFS well-preserved man OF
A.. He had a son on General John i.
Gordons staff during the war. From hin
I heard the following anecdote: The
widow OF a Vicksburg philanthropist
had 81, ,0O0-her all--deposIled ed IN kltin's
bank. Shc dreamed for three nights
successively that she stood up 10 her
waist in water and that her bank notes
were being washed away from her.
Troubled in mind at these repeated
warnings she went 10 the bark ard drew
her money. Two days afterward the bank
closed up, carrying disaster TO Thousands
ofpeople in the Mississippi valley. The
ecsta'ic widow hueged her rescued treas
urc to her bosom and would not trust II
out of her sight or possession. She il rat
isfie that her dream was supernatural
and that the spirit of her husband re-
turned to save her life az well ~ her
money
Blocks, tabs, Nandykes and crenclated
edges of every description are universal
us dress-trimninys. They appear upon
hounc nces, ovcr-dresses, polonaiHcs, corsa-
ges. pelerines and sleeves Those most
ave thickly plated irilling
=; set underneath the blo ks
'et ont the tabs and as&ne
G closely.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
A Talk to Boys.

want to talk with the little boys more
especially, lwant TO tell you some storiet
! What bright eyes you all have. No doubt
some Of YOU will be preachers, aud some
doctors, lawyers, merchants, and who
knows but some Of you will be President
/ Of the United States when you are men ?
| Now. keep very still and will proceed
When | was returning home from town
one dav last winter, saw a man lying in
the road apparently asleep. A little fur
ther on was sled. A little further along
were some pieces of harness hanging on
post and whipple tree lying on the
ground. The horses did not See. They
went another way.
A man few miles from here went to
the drug store, got some poison and took
it, and was a dead man in less time than
am writing this. Another man close
by here will put on good suit of clothes,
good hat and boots, and go to town and
come home with an old ragged coat,
pants, vest, and hat on. Strange man.
| should think he was strange, indeed.
] was travelling on the cars one day,
when two young m,n came rushing
through the car. Their eyes were glaring
,iae wild 3igers. They went through
the who's train. At last one of them
fell off Of he platform and was picked
49,, Il Il 60 ln ..,z
he died next morning.
A man went to town 10 meet lady
friend that was coming on the train. he
drove a span Of very fine mares; left the
little colts at home so as not TO be bother
ed With them ar.und tine depot. He was
driving quietly along home when two
men came up behind him with horses
running at fearful rate. His hJrses
became unmanageable, started 10 run.
and threw the lady out and hurt ner bad
ly, The horses ran AGAINST a post and
one was killed and the other hurt 70 they
had to kill it to get it out Of its misery.
What do you suppose became ofthe poor
little colts2
Now; boys whisky was the cause Of
all these things. That man in the road
was drunk. The man that took poison
was drunk. Those boys on the cars,
that man with ragged clothes, those two
men with running horses were drunk.
What pity such things are so common.
These things happened not far from
where ! now sit. Boys | want to give
you little advice. Never chew or smoke
tobacco, for in a few years you will want
something stronger lhen you will take
beer: next you Will want whisky; then
you will be prepared TO he in the road
dead drunk, or to nun horses or to take
poison and kill yourself, or 20 come home
to your wives or mothers clothed in rags.
Resolve never 70 touch tobacco or linnnr
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
GIRLS WHO LOOK ROSY.
A Specimen Creature who Pretended to be
Ia n Glow When She WAS Free sing.

A Specimen Creature who Pretended to be
Ia n Glow When She WAS Free sing.
NY. Cor Cincinnati Epquirer.
On last Sunday, which was n raw chill
ly day in Gotham, [ saw Girl who il
lustrates the fashionable. habit of pre-
tending TO be robust. All ways to church
IN the upper part Of the city lead through
Fifth avenue, no ma, ter how remote from
that thoioughfare the home and the al
tar of the worshipper may be, and this
dear young creature was treading the
favorite route. She was smoothly clad
in talor-made suit of plain cloth, and
easily discerned, by such signs as the
visible outlines of her corset and the
movement of the muscles in her hips, that
there was only slight covering over her
firm figure. She was half frozen to DEATH
but did she look SOP No, indeed. She
seemed as warm, to casual observer, as
a piece Of toast on gridiron. Her pret-
ty face bad roseate glow, her gait was
tremulous as well as springy with health,
a smile Of solid comfort slightly parted
her red lips, and when she shook hands
with Adolphus Tootseigh he felt be-
witching heat from her little palm as il
lay in his. And yet say that she was
cold? Yes, all but CONCEALED. Her APP
pearances re deceptive. The color in
her face was paint, very cleverly put on,
with reference to blending of its effects
with tn sc huas which she knew the
weather would produce. The tremor in
her walk was scarcely repressiblc
shiver The smile had become SO chilled
that she could hardly have ridded her
mouth of it If she had tried. As for the
warm hands, they were SO through hav-
ing been carefully kept in muif-the
only really adequate article in her whole
toilet.
"Pon me word" said Adolphy, "you
are a perfect little furnace. Heah you
are out in the dcucedly cold air without
a wrap you know, aad you feel warm as
July
oh, Pm always burning like a live
coal" she said. II ought to have been
born in Greenland"
You've got so much colaric," he re-
marked.
She was not up in physics as in phys
iquc, and at first she thought his men
ton O calorc meant a detection of her
bogus coloring.
"But heat expands all bodies. the books
tell u.s." he added, "and yet you are as
compact as ever
Then she felt sure that he had paid her
compliment, and she giggled charm.
,pply
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
Trimming El-phant.' Feet.
Rlrlnn Glnbe.

Yesterday Prof George Arstingstlll
and .our assistants we're occupied all day
in trimming the feet Of two elephants.
The operation is performed three times
a year-once on the road, once in the
fall, and again in Tia" sprug. The sole
of an elephants foot Is heavily covered
with a thick horny substance Of material
similar to the three tOe.nals upon each
fOo., and a. it grows thicker and thicker il
tends to contract and crack, often laming
the animal. When the work Of trimming
is undertaken the elephant stands upon
three legs and places the foot to be opcr.
ated upon across a big tub Two men
hold the foot down and one stands at the
animals head to prevent him from turn
ing. Then Prof Arstingstall with two.
foot draw knife proceeds 10 shave of
great pieces Of bone from the sole cf the
foot Shayings of bone six riches by {
and quarter Of an inch thick are rapid.
ly cut, the edges Of the foot heiGg care
fully trimmed.
Often pieces Of glass. wire, nails, etc,
are found imbedded in the foot, which
nave been picked mp during street para
des. Sometimes these irritating mOrsels
work up into the leg and produce a fest
ering sore. A large nail was found yes
terday in Palis' foot lmbedded over
three inches from the bottom. Prof
Arstir gstall extracted it with a small pair
of pincers, then syringed the wound with
warm water, and subsequently covered
it with tar. The professor, when hurried
on the road, sometimes draws out such
nails With his teeth. Pallis apparently
suffered great pain but seemed TO know
that tie operation would give relief He
held the foot high and quietly of his own
accord until all was finished, then -four
ished his trunk, trumpeted, and express
ed almost in words his sincere thanks.
After pairing the foot each toe nail is cut
between and then filed down, giving
each foot a white clean lock with It's set.
ting Of polished nails. II takes about
six hours to finish dressing an elephants
feet, and II is said to be one Of the hard
est bits Of work that men have to do.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02

ed perfectly to both parties, and iherc
she remained until her death. Her ex-
perien1e suggests whether such arrange
ments might not be more often carried
out with advantage in these days Of inn
pecunious land owners. OF course few
could pay such rates as the lady alluded
to, but many, | believe, could and would
pay what would make cons derdbe aid
to household expenses. In a large coun-
try house the presence OF an additional
person need not necessarily entail any
thing more than meeting at meal-times
and in the evening. Oi course, lady
living in the house under such condi ions
n those have described would have her
own maid and her own sitting-room,
where she would probably pass much OF
her time: but instead Of solitary meals
and lonely evenings she would find her
self in pleasant family circle. Many,I
am sure, would think G4O0 a year cheap
to pay for such advantages; and this sum
woulo, after all expenses were paid, send
a son TO college.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
A POINTER,
How to Acquire Wealth In war Times
and How It May be squandered WIN
S.ainess and Dispatch.
Detroi, Free Press.

and How II May De SQua""e'o" Wv"
S.atness and Dispatch.
Detroit Free Press.
81 wish We csuld have war with
England or some other big nation that
would make the fur fly
so do !"
The speakers were couple OF s'edy-
looking fellows who had come into the
saloon a few minutes previous, Joined
the circle around tn" stove, and called
for two bootlegs of beer"
You'd make dandy pair Of soldiers,
you would" remarked a bystander in
s.eering tone ofvoice. "What regiment
we're you in during the late war;"
"Oh, you can bet we wasn't in any
regiment. If we had We wouldn't be
anxious TO have another war. No, sir ;
we we're in the recruiting service. That
pays better than fighting.
How was that2'
"Say, stranger, just you tell the bar
tender to fill up these 'bootlegs,' and I'll
give you a pointer that will be worth a
fortune to you if we ever have another
war"
The "schooners' were replenished
and after the beer had gurgled down bis
throat the bargainer borrowed a chew Of
tobacco from lis entertainer and COM
menced his story.
Twenty years ago was policeman in
Buffalo, and Bill here was down on his
luck and doing nothing, so he used to
90 along with Ine. One day found a
Canuck sleeping behind lumber pile
and started to run him in. He was q
preenhorn, and when. gave hun the
collar was abou, frightened out Of boots
He began to beg 10 be let of, and finally
laid that if would let him @ he would
enlist. They were paying $500 for subs
at that time, so turned the fellow ovel
TO Bill and he rushed him in. That wa,
making $3.50 apiece pretty easy, so Bill
and ! concluded to 90 into the business
AT first we used to watch around ant
v hen We foun' sucker Bill would &C
cuse him of something and ! would ar
rest him an give him his choice Of goini
| to the workhouse or enlisting.
Zone day got hold of the wrong sor
of a fellow, and he pee ched on me to III
captain sol had 90 resign. Then ELL and
put up neatest job YOU ever heard o
b IL knew a lot of slick young fellows an,
We hired four of them, agreeing to piv
! them half and see them out of trouble.
"The first place we struck was Erlt
and subs W re bringing 500. We too
the boys and rigged them no to loo
like green CanuCks, and then 81
marched mp to the recruiting office an
pocketed 50 500 for them. When it wa
dark e took tie hoys clothes and wen
out Of town q little ways and waite
There were no barracks in the countr.
that could hold those fellows, and beior
midnight we were on train bound 70
Cleveland and the BOYS enlisted ther'
Then WE tried Toledo, come up here I
Detroit, got 81 900 apiece here, took II
Milwaukee, M.dison, St. Paul, DE
Moine-, and other places and Just coine
money.
when the next war comes, stranger
YOU 20 into the sub business. There
wealth in itw
"You don't look as if you were yer,
we'll hcelcd. What became Of you
money!
well, you see, Bill got married j
Chicago, and the girl cleaned him out i
six months and then got divorce
And YOU"
"Oh. | went home TO Buffalo and Ia
for alderman there
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02

B eton Transcript


A private letter fiom Dartmouth Col.
lese says: ave heard Matthew Arnold
here about week ago. Mr., Arnold ex-
pressed a desire to see our Indian stud
cnt, as he had never seen an Indian. So
Eastman, who is full-blooded Sioux and
fine specimen of his race, was sum
moned. He came into the room, cool,
collected and master of the situation,
whereas Mr.. Arnold was completely nom
plussed. Whether his fancy had pictured
a wild man, fierce with war-paint and to-
mahawk in hand, is not known, but at
all events he colo red up like boy, held
out his hand and stammered out-his
British egotism coming up unawares ::
'Ah! eli! ah. You were there-you we're
there. How did you like it?' referring
TO his lecture.1 1t was an amusing sight
TO see the best representative OF English
culture so at a loss and the young edu-
Gated Indian standing before him 30
calm, collected ard even social.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
A Ring In a Pigs Tongue.
Bangor Commercial.

Mr.. Walter Murch, of Fast Eddirgton
told the following story to Commercial
reporter About seven weeks ago. |
bought pig which was about month
old. One day got over into the pen
aud while there lost this ring, which Won
BEE is gold and has set in it bloodst6ne
| hunted long while for the ring. as il
Q peculiar value 70 ne on account Of
having betn a present ! finally gave
up the ring for lost. The day before
Thanksgiving sent the pig 10 the butch.
er TO be killed, aid when he brought
it back he said he found gold ring in
that pigs tongue. | didn't believe il
until he produced the tongue with the
ring about it as you see it. The ring en-
c!rcled the tongue two and a half inches
from the end, and Of course almost divi-
dcd that organ. Neither the hoop nol
the setting were injured.
The Osceola times., 1884-02-02
A DUPLICATE TUNNEL.
One OF General Joe Johnston's stories
About SherinaD's March.
The Century.

The Century.
General Joseph +. Johnston, who COM
manded the Confederate forces engaged
in resisting the advance upon Atlanta.
once narrated the following incident
which well illustrated the impression
sherman had made upon the minds Of
the Southern soldiery at that time as a
commander IF resources and ready expe-
dients. Johnston stood on kenesaw
Mountain. watching with his glass the
movements of his enemy's wagon trains
on the great plain to the north ward. A
staff officer came riding up with the
news that the rebel cavalry had got in
the rear of Sherman's army and had
burned "a number Of railroad bridges.
The officer had been forced 10 make a
detour of two DAYS to get around the
Union army. Scarcely had he finished
speaking when a whistle was heard and a
moving train appeared in tn, distance
showing that Sherman had alreadyrehuilt
bridges and re1pened communications.
Walking past group Of soldiers loung-
ing in the shade, a few minutes later, the
General overheard them discussing
Sherman's chances ofsuccess. Said one
uf them: "We'll make it Moscow cam
paign and destroy his whole army
How can you make it a Moscow cam,
raipn without any SHOVE" asked his les.
enthusiastic c1mrade. 81 mean that
wen cut his communications, destroy
everything and s,arve him out. Wei
burn all the bridges" Don't you know
he carries duplicate bridges with him.
We'll wen blow up the big tunnel" "Oh
hell" exclaimed the other man, with {
look of disgust you don't know old
Tncumseh sherman. He's got dupli
cate tunnel tool"