Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-08-28

Z
decorated when we hev Dimocratic
meetins.
One advantage Nv bein a Dimekrat at
the corners is we don't change at all.
Inc banners we marched under in 1861
do Jlst as well for us now, for we are
constantly titin the old fife over agin. and
alluz will
TILL DETH DO Us PART.
| assoomed the chair, Issacker Gavitt
TOOK the secretary's table, ex-otfisho, and
| made the speech ez yoosual
Icommenst an elaborate discushn Nv
the the platform Nv the party, and wuz
glttln on very well till I come to the tar
1T plank, when Joe Bigler riz and inter-
ruptld me. / knew the cuss wood do it,
and my hart went down into my boots.
Il beg pardon" sed Josef, ''for inter-
ruptln the eloquent speaker, and wood
ant do it only desire to assist him in
elooSldatin the eggsan0 meerin Nv the
platform, over witch ] understand Their
hez bin some trouble. If ther is auy-
thing on earth which shood be cleer and
we'll defined, so cleer that he who runs
may read, it is the platform Nv princi-
Piles Nv CRATE party It shood be so
cleer that the humblest intellect shood
wat them witch stand on it pro pose to do
about it,
''Io the end Nv hevin plain and cleer
INTERPRETAsHEN wv THIS TARIFF PLANK
it okkured to me, when [ wuz over to
Seceshunviee, to go to the highest au-
thOrity on the subjick, which is Mr. Bar
mum, the chairman Nv the Nashnel
Oimekrat Committy. If anybody on
earth ought to know wat the platform
means it is Barnum, isn't it."
The meeting all yelled "yes!' when
Josef went on:
q may as well mention that [ as
sOOmed the name Nv our esteemed friend
Issaker Gavitt and telegraphed thus:
''To Mr.. VIM. II. Barnum, Cheerman
Nv the Nashnel Dimekrat Committee:
Does the Dimekratic platform meen per-
teckshun OF free trade?
''IssAKER GAvITT, Manyoofaktrer."
The answer received wuz entirely sat-
isfaktry. 1t read thus:
To Issaker Gavitt, ManyOofaktrer:
The tariff plank in the Dimekratic plat
form meens tariff reform with tenden-
cy to the Perfection Nv Amerikin labor
by imposin heavy dootieS on the man
yoofakters Nv the bloated Briton. Bare
down heavy on the perteckshun ten
dency among your operatives.
w. H. BARNUM, Cheerman.
Issaker, which hez a small interest in
a rollin mill, riz to his feet and yelled,
81 KNOWED TT
| knOwed it! Wv course we want tariff
reform, but the platform is all in the
direckshun Nv Perteckshun. Hooray!"
8 | shOOd also state" continued Josef,
:" that when [ returned to the Corners |
telegraphed wunst more to Mr.. Barnum
to be sure that | he'd not misunderstood
him, only [ yoOsed the name Of our
equally esteemed friend, Deekin POgram.
This was my second dispatch:
1" Wat is the eggSact meenin Nv tie
tariff plank in the Dimekratic platform?
| ask as q sufferin Dimekratic agricul-
tOorist, in a farming seckshun.
DEEKIN SETH POGRAM.
The anser cum back very promptly:
To Deekin Seth Program: The tariff
plank in the dimokratic platform is en-
tirely explicit. 1t meens tariff reform
with an uncompromisin leenin' toward
free trade and the rite to buy goods in
England or elsewhere, wherever you kin
buy EN- the cheapest Bare down heavy
on the free trade ten d9ncy among your
oppresst agricultooral friends.
w. FL, BARNUM. Cheerman.
81 knowd it i knowd it!'
sHREEKED THE GOOD OLD DEEKIN.
"Hooray! we hev a platform which
meens free tradei"
Sum trouble ensood. Issaker swore
that the dispatch sent to the Deekin was
bogus, and the Deekin swore that the
dispatch sent to Issaker was bogus, for
both he'd he'd the platform red to EN-,
and they both he'd constrood it.
isSaker denounced the Deekin ez q
ID old ass: . for" sed he, ''does not
Randall, Nv Pennsilvany, accept the
platform, and isn't he perteckshunist?'
Did ass yerself," retOrCid the Deck
in. Does not WattersOn, and Cerlisle,
and Morrison, and Hurd all accept it,
and amt they all rabid free-traders:"
And then ez these two Dimokrats wuz
THROWN mud at each other the meetin
broke up in row, and Joe Bigler rolled
Off latin, remarkin that he WIZ sorry for
the disturbance, but he wanted the plat
form cleerly defined, and he didn't know
how else to git a cIeer ennunshiashen Nv
wat it meant than by telegraffin the
chairman Nv the Dimocratic Nashnel
Committy.
He shood immejitly perseed to tele-
grail more Nv EN- soon, and wood hev
ansers by the time the Dimocrisy Nv the
Corners wanted to rst ify again.
Ef the good Lord in His infinit mercy
wood only take Joe Bigler to His bum,
! Good get along with the Dimocrisy
here. He never appeers upon the surfis
without maxim trouble.
lie and that Pollock from IllinOy to
gether manage to keep us in hot water
ali the time. Wood that the good old
tines WIZ back agin, wen we Good or
9anlze and invite EN-, at the muzzle Of
silotguns to move. But them days hev
gone. with u.s. Down in Mississippi it
wood answer, or even in Danville, Vir
ginny; but here the niggers are too
strong for that sort Nv argument, and
our sperits is broke.
ISIS tker and the Deekin commenst the
old fife over agin, and I hewitt been able
to compromise the matter ez yet. 1t is
cold world and full of trouble.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY.
Io<N+r +o,-N