Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-11-14
FUN
Explained

Explained
HOW ToRcHLIaHT PROFESSIONS MAKES
VOTES,
Wife (who wants to learn).-"Perhap
it's because I'm only a woman, and not
intended by nature to comprehend these
large things of life'-as you frequently re-
mind me my dear-but really wish you
would explain so could understand what
earthly use it is to anybody to have these
campaign clubs, uniforms, banners, fire.
works and hideous tore blight professions
every night"
Husband (who is delighted to teach).
"That is plain enough to any one, or
should be, my love. 1t is an essential
part of the campaign machinery, only less
important than to have candidates and
parties. All these things create enthusi-
asm. and it is enthusiasm that wins, The
red, white and blue lights. the gorgeous
trappings, the glittering pageant. the
bombs bursting in air. the shouts of glad
scclalm-al! these 60 far to settle the bus
mess. A big torchlight procession that
takes two hours and half in passing a
given point. is knock down argument in
itself-don't you see,
You mean it nails campaign lies,' as
you call it-shows that the ISLANDERS were
false. washes off the mud thrown by mis-
creant malingers. proves the candidate
pure patriot, convinces the intelligent
nitiyan nd y 20 \ ~
Precisely, my love. see you have
got that point clearly enough-a little Or
nate and voluptuous, as it were, but es-
sentially correct. 1t is evident your sex
is getting educated up to a comprehen-
sion of the undying principles that con-
troll the political system of our republic. -
A resoundlng smack.
1--WE all take pride in learning now we
have candidate of our own, of course.
Bnt there's one minor point, my dear, that
I wish you'd make just little palmer
You say professions make yotes!"
"Precisely."
''Then parade of PIumed Knights con-
vinces every one that Mr.. Blaine did not
write that Morey letter, and. that he
doesn't know how to write anyhow
my love !"
"And crowd of men in rel CAPS. sill
ver-plated capes and green lesgings like
wise convinces one that Mr.. Cleveland
never vetoed bill. and that he DOESN'T
know veto whea he sees one-''
Julia !"
"And mob Of men and Toys got Cd
like guys from western circus struck y
cyclone, yelling like Comanches, and a
brass band, makes it plain as day TO the
most ordinary intelligence that General
Butler never stole spoon, and wouldn't
know spoon If it was stuck into his
mouth full of hot soup"
Julia Ann II"
land that lot of cranks dressed to
resemble chain pumps, water coolers, ict
chests, reservoirs, hose carts, old oaken
buckets and street sprinklers. perambulat-
ing Broadway at midnight, would settle ii
that MIR. st. John won't have any guns in
his canvass, because they have to get
loaded and that he wasn't brought III
on bottle-''
Iulia Ann Stebbins II? And-oh, yes,
And a woman who has got the
Tics of her country down as fine as you
We from her cook book and Bazaar ought
b be Secretary of State in Belva Lock-
woods Cabinet; and a crazy quilt hung
out for Lockwood campaign banner
shows the state of mind of the man who is
fool enough to try and find out what his
wife don't know about PresideI tial cleo
tions in ons lesson"
"a resounding bang of the door,
APROPos of recent Opponents New
York millionaire. fare the girls locked
up for the night, wife 20
Eyes"
"C0achman chained %
"Yes."
''Has the patent butche: cate Ter in the
front yard been oiled so that it works
we'll ?''
YES
swell We might as we'll chloroform the
gardener and 60 to Sleep"
OomiOf Mo0 accompanied d lIlcIlu uOue
to dinner, and, as they seated themselves
at the table, the hostess remarked.
81 trust that you will make allowances,
Mr.. Dumley. My girl left me tbs morn
Ing very unexpectedly, and was compell-
ed to cook the dinner MYSELF
"Oh, certainly, my dear madam, GER
tainly," responded Dumley, with much
manner; II can put up with anything
A hackman recently went into the surf
at Long Branch and encountered a huge
shark. Their eyes met for an instant
when the shark blushed and swan out.
Those newspaper poets who are always
adding lines to some other fellows inspira.
tion ought to know something about the
uses of adversely.
1t IS said that educated classes of Japan
have no religion. This is little strange
when there are SO many kinds of religion
In the world.
Quinine has not been so slow in price
for years, and fellow can better afford
to have his girl give him the shake this
year than at any other time.
Cold cream is said to be excellent for
sunburn. For the benefit of the young
ladies we will say that this does not refer
to ice cream.
When Clara was asked what she would
do II q nice young gentleman would ask
her hand in marriage, she naively replied:
II don't think I'd no''
ST haYa snch q cold in NV hood J, ro