The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-07-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

Udlucu uIlcI HlID' AnCTlCi I'M
prossions of Matthew Arnold. -Burling-
ton Free Press.
A machine has been invented which
will darn stockings by just turning n
crank. "Who will care for mother
now?'-- Darlington Free Press.
1.-The Sagacity and Morality of
Plants" is the title of volume which
has just appeared in London. Plants
that stay out nights are supposed to be
the worst-NCW orleans Picayone.
"All brain-work," declares an emf
nent authority, "should be done with
out effort and in jaunty MOOD" He
probably never had to write an inside
editorial at y p. m. -BOSton Post.
Hotel clerks are talking about hold
ing Il general convention in New York.
If the project be consummated, da-
mond thieves will turn hopefully to-
wards the great metropolis. Rochester
Democrat.
A reporter who met fashionable
lady taking promenade with her dog,
speaks of injecting dog and lady,"
and apologies for mentioning the dog
first, for he "was afraid of the purp."
Boston Post.
Fogg says he doesn't believe it pays
in the end to get your landlord to make
extensive repairs. Putting new wood
into an old building is like putting new
cloth into an old raiment. The rent
is made worse.
When couple of Pennsylvania men
swap wives, instead of making great
fuss and howl about it, the country
paper comes out with glowing article
headed, promising Revival of Trade.
-BurIingtOn Free Press.
When q lecturer goes TO Montana he
| gives his lecture title embraced in a
| nineteen-syllable word, and this causes
the people to think it new kind of
mixed drink, and they crowd the halls
to their utmost capacity.
A merchant who died suddenly not
long ago left on his desk letter he
had intended mailing to a correspond
ent. An Irish clerk finding it sent it
off after adding the postscript: "Since
writing the above have died. Fort
FayRe HOOSler.
A baseball umpire was mobbed in
Philadelphia few days ago. 1t will
soon be so that every time game Of
baseball is played the governor will
have to call out the troops TO protect
the umpire. Our leading industries
must be encouraged and protected.
The circus-goer will have his mind
relieved by the announcement which
comes from California that the lemon
crop promises TO be a large one. This
will enable the vendors of circus lem
onade TO keep that article up to the
old standard. Detroit Free Press.
$50 you think your son smokes, Mrs.
Jones?n "Im sure of it, Mrs. Brown,
I've found pieces of tobacco in his
pockets Dear me, dear me! I'm
sorry. My son has no bad habits. |
never find anything in his pockets but
cloves and coffee beans. - 0nerUHle
Journal.
every young man nowadays should
begin where his father leaves oil,
said Blobson to young Popinjay.
"Well,h replied the latter, II began
where my father left of, " you did,
Ell? | didn't know as your father mad
left OFF, "Yes, he did; he left of
drinking.
If woman would only have her lips
| pierced instead of her cars-and it
| would not be bit more absurd-a man
might do n good thing by inserting
diamond-studded cuf-button, which
would make her very happy and give
him chance to get in word OCCASION
ally.-Pucb.
A Vassar girl writes: Il haven't
seen man in a month of Sundays.
We were out taking constitutional
Saturday and came across n scarecrow
in Il corn field. All the girls ran for it
at once, and | only managed to secure
part of one of the skirts of its coat.
Still it was something"
An Austin merchant sent his clerk
for the twentieth time to the residence
of prominent citizen to collect bill.
did you get anythingP" asked the
merchant on return of the clerk.
Nothing at all. They told me to come
| InlO inc reCcpuOn-lOOln; Duu uluh
receive anything. "-ItGdS Strings.
Herbert Spenccrs lucid remark that
ian incidental force falling on an
aggregate containing like and I'M
like units segregatcs the like units and
separates the unlike" never strikes q
young man 50 forcibly as when a tailor
refuses to trust him for new Spring
suit. -NOrriStOWn Htru'd.
The organ Of the bachelors is worried
to find out why woman will spend
six weeks putting scallops on her dress
that nobody but herself will ever get
glimpse of, and then run around the
neighborhood in an old dirty wrapper
without any belt and every other
button burst of. -Frem0m (Neb.)
Herald.
A Mississippi man who writes for n
runaway wife describes her as having
"high cheek bones, upper front teeth
out, crippled in one foot, cross-eyed
and quick spoken One cannot help
wondering why the husband didn't run
away instead of the wife. He GER
tainly had provocasion enough.-Nor-
riSto,On Herald.
A Russian is not legally man until