Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-04-07


of new song. 1t might work all right
with some men, but it would wake us
right up.
And still, year by year, the standard of
college education is raised higher and
higher and higher and higher. Columbia
has just organized a banjo club.
When you are at the depot waiting for
a train, always every few minutes go out
to the track aud see if you can't see it
coming. That will make it come sooner
sWhat a wonderful age of invention it
is" said Mrs. Peterson: s'I see they are
now making wire cloth, and I'll have some
this very day to put a seat in Johnny's
pants.'
ga farmers wife" wants to know if we
can recommend anything to destroy the
common grub" We guess the next
tramp that comes along could oblige you,
if the family can't stand your cooking.
''Your cheek is an awful temptation to
me, " he exclaimed, as he looked admir-
ingly at her fresh, young face. "Your
cheek must be an awful burden to you,
she replied, glancing at him suspiciously.
Seeing two hunters approaching, an
Auburndale, Mass, lad burrowed in the
earth and initiated a woodchuck. The
clergyman found it hard to draw a moral
from the affair that didn't reflect on the
corpse.
Clara playfully tapped Augustus on the
head as if knocking at the door. ''Come
in,'' said Augustus facetiously. "Thanks,
DEAR" said Clara, Il don't like to go into
an empty room, it's so cheerless and lone
some like, you know"
1t is related that a clergyman, who, five
years ago, was paid $4,000 year by q
Brooklyn church, is now common drunk.
ard. That's nothing. There are lots OF
men who have become common drunkards
on good deal less money AMI in less
time.
mo-" said fond mother, speaking
proudly of her twenty-fve-year-old daugh
ter-"no; Mary isn't old enough to mar
ry yet. She cries whenever any one scolds
her, and until she becomes hardened
enough to talk vigorously, she isn't fit fol
wife,"
There is no dilly-dallying with criminals
"out west" The other day in Wyoming
a drunken gambler got into a row will
and shot and killed two of his chums
Next day he was fined $25 and costs fol
"disturbing the peace" The penalty
seems severe one but somebody must be
made an example of.
Chow do you like the squash pie, AL
fred?" asked a young wife a few days af
ter marriage. ''Well, it's pretty good
but "But what? suppose you started
to say that it isn't as good as that which
your mother makes?" "Well, yes, 1 wa.
going to say that, but-"''Well, Alfred
your mother made that very pie and sen
1t to me-"
An Irishman, recently brought before
Boston justice for being drunk, was asked
what excuse he had for becoming so in
toxicated. ''Seven excuses, your honor,
replied the inebriate. "Seven excuses? i?
eyes, Judge, seven. Now l don't minC
tellin' ye all bout it. Ye see, I've got 81,
boys in my family, and lass night-it's
girl, Judge" The excuse was sufficient
and he was released.
Deacon Dewgood's son returned hom
very late the other night from pressin.
engagement with his pretty sweetheart
'Well, where have you been?" growle
the old man, as the youth came sneakin,
up stairs in his stocking feet. s'Dear fl
ther," he replied, ~ cannot tell lie; Tv
been to protracted meeting" And th
good old man upbraided himself for hay
ing treated his son so harshly.
At a certain hotel in Peoria, where th
| meals are not always what they should bt
merchant traveller one day sat down t
| the table. He put dollar under tum
bier and calling waiter, said, 'sDo 70
see that dollar, Jim?" eyes, sah,' replie
Jim, with grin. swell, now, Jim,
want you to get me a real good. first elias
dinner. You understand" ssYes, sab,
and Jim set about furnishing feast f
for king. Had no time to see anybod
else. He hunted up new dishes, put exit
touches on everything and kept his ey
on the dollar. Finally the M. T. finishe
and, wiping his mouth, he winked at jim
eyes, sah,' grinned the darky, in antic
patton. ''Jim, do you see that dollar.
putting his hand on it in generous wa,
''Yes, sah." sWell you'll never see
again" and it went into his pocket an
out of the dining-room, while Jim indi
nantly remarked, $50 de Lawd, wi
turned dat hog loose in heah?"
DIR. Tanners Stomach.-Dr Tanner certainly h
great stomacli-great because of its strength al
endurance. We may err in saying that the doct
uses Burdock Blood Bitters, but if he does, his
I