Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1884-04-24
wit and HumOr.

Wit and HUmOr.
eyes, my darling, will now consent
to become your wife"
cat last, my precious, you consents;
but why did you not say yes five years
ago when first proposed?"
"Well, you see, had not seen all the
theatre attractions then; but I am now IA
miliar with all the new plays and operas,
and don't mind settling down as mar
ried woman"
Let me congratulate you upon the i'm
provement of your voice." said gentle
man to popular operate tenor. "You
must have given yourself up to study, for
last night you acquitted yourself wonder
fully"
81 didn't think Sc" the singer replied,
"for l was suffering indescribably from
rheumatism. 1t is a wonder it pleased
the audience at all, for several times dur
ing the performance could not restrain
myself, and cried aloud in pain"
The improvement was explained.
"You had been drinking again last
night, john" is what Crimsonbeak got
fred at him when he met his wife at the
breakfast table the other morning.
81 must admit that l had, replied the
husband, meekly.
You know as well as / do that liquor
is your worst enemy"
$50 I do"
'Why don't you give it up, then?"
cit wouldn't be scriptural, ma'am"
"WhatP' screamed Mrs. Crimsonbeak,
hOrrOr-stricken at her husbands remark.
81 say it wouldn't be scriptural" re-
peated Crimsonbeak, rather decidedly.
Don't the Scriptures teach us to love
our enemies?" and Crimsonbeak smaclzed
his lips at the very thought of it.
you often break your promises with
me" she said. "I am aware of it, my
dear, but I cannot help it." "Do you
know why you remind me of a rain
bow?" she then asked. "No, do not"
replied George, "why do II" Because
you are beau of promise"
A young lady recently received note
fiom young man of her acquaintance,
soliciting her company to church, and as
he had never offered to take her any
where else she accepted his kind offer,
and closed the note with the solemn
declaration that Salvation is free"
Madame, you've destroyed five dol
lars worth of merchandise" angrily re-
marked dude to lady, as she seated
herself In chair In which he had de-
posted his new Derby hat. Serves you
right" she replied, slowly rising from
the ruin; ''you had no business to buy a
five-dollar hat for fifty cent head"
When you purchase a chord of music,
notes given are payable on demand Of
every bar.
do you believe in laying on bands2"
asked a parishioner of the clergyman.
CEorfoin1vy do - ho yorlio6 HRv,A -
your child is very bad, would advise
you to try shingle."
Chicago boasts of lady, now ninety
years old, who used to sit In George
WashingtOn's lap. It's comforting to
lie, he used to have some fun with the
girls.
The King of Siam wants twenty or
thirty American officers to reorganize
and take command of his army. Siam
should shout for Colonel in an Ameri-
can bar-room. If they would not take
command for him, hundreds of them
would take something else.
Two children at the TuiIleries Garden
were extolling the qualities Of their re-
spective papas.
mine is as tall as the garden wall"
said one.
"My papa can see over the wall"
"And mine, too, when he has his hat
on"
A visiting friend found Simpkins with
his coat off standing on the doorstep the
other night, and remarked:
"Great Caesar, man, you'll catch an
awful cold standing out here in your shirt
sleeves"
''Thaes what want" said simpkins.
cheerfully. Got to sing bass solo at
a church entertainment tomorrow night,
you know"
They were standing at the front gate.
Wont you come in the parlor and sit
awhile, George, dear %
NO I guess not, replied George. hes
81 wish you would, !" the girl went on.
It's awful lonesome. Mother has gone
out and father is up stairs grooming with
the rheumatism In his legs"
@Both legs2" said George.
Eyes; both legs"
''Then I'll come Ia a little while"