The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1884-10-03
WIT AND HUMOR.

most OF them. and the poor heather
are now playing penny ante.
Brook trout sometimes show great
patience and curiosity. They have
been known to watch fisherman all
day to see what he will finally do with
the grasshopper he is bobbling up and
down on the end of string.
a don't know what to do with that
boy of mine. He is getting worse
every day. He is perfectly worthless" "
"Oh, don't trouble. That boy will be
all right. Some day great actress
will be sure to come along and take
him for husband"
johnny, observed with pain that
you have been perusing Wild Dick,
the Dead Shot of the Rockies You
don't know how it grieves me to find
you reading such vile literature" .But
how do you know it's q bad book,
papa" "Well-ah-ar-"-
Sytings
I'm sorry to say, my DEAR" said
the bank official to his wife, "that l
must leave the country" ..Is it posi-
bleP" II must" he ighed; my defal-
cation has been discovered, and have
received note from the detectives say
ing they will be here in day or two
| to arrest me"
Said a Somerville mother to her
daughter, who had just achieved tho
| dignity of having beau of her own,
And what sort of young man is he,
JennieP Does he treat you to ice-cream
and candiesP" mo, he doesn't" re-
piled the girl with gurgle, "but he
gives me lots of taffy. ."-Sonaervtlle
| Journal.
What are you going to do with the
dog?" asked gentleman on the street
| of 4 friend who was carrying q small
poodle under his arm; take him down
to the river and drown him?" Il wish
! might" was the sad response, "but
he belongs 10 my wife. / am taking
him over to the barber's to have his
hair cut"
Twas midnight in the Quaker City.
A silvery sheen of moonshine bathed
the vernal beauties of Fairmount Park
in flood of pale and ghostly light;
the tall steeples threw long shadows
athwart the adjoining buildings-when
all of sudden, as if by magic. the
Keely motor continued 10 refuse to
move.-NOrrist0Wn Herald.
Permit me to congratulate you,"
said one Bostonian to another; II un-
derstand you've had an addition to
your family" "Yes. Much obliged
to you" boy or girl, may l askP"
Girl. I've just come from the opti-
clans. "From the optician So" ''Yes;
been having her measured for pair of
Eyeglasses, you know"
Mrs. Demming asked Matilda, the
house servant, few nights ago: What
dreadful scratching is that out in the
kitchen? 1t must be the dog trying to
get in. never heard anything like it
in my life "Dlts no dog scratchin'
de doah, OATS dc cook wri,in lub
letter TO her honcysuckle, who works
down in de Austin ice factory. ."-1ezas
Sytings
In stopping street cars Boston wo-
man shakes her book. New York wo-
man throws her parasol at the drivers
hoad. 4 Brooklyn woman whistles. q
Chicago woman puts her foot on the
track, St. Louis girl winks at the
conductor, Cincinnati woman says,
"Huba, huba!' and a Pittsburg woman
paralyzes the horses with SMILE
PittSburg Chronicle Telegraph.
A tree in Milford, Mass, to which
George Washington tied his horse in
about 1850, was recently cut down and
will be converted into mementos. Al
though not very large tree, it is esti-
mated that it will produce about $780,
600 canes, several hundred arm chairs,
about the same number of lounges,
four score of bedsteads, and !, 900 piano
stools. The rest will be converted into
toothpicks and umbrella handles
Vorrtstown Herald.
81 understand" said o cow-county
politician. walking into the Office of the
local paper the other day. revolver in
hand, 81 understand that you called
me liar in your paper this morningP"
$50 l did. my dear SIR" said the edl-
tor. calmly, 'but | only said you were
campaign liar" "Oh! Is that alp"
said the Modified intruder, and after
rendering the molder OF public opinion
his fine-cut, he walked peacefully out
San Francisco Post.
An unsophisticated countryman, who
reached town on an early morning
train, took saunter through street
where July iceman had just dotted
the sidewalks with 'early deliveries"
After viewing the deliveries" with
great curiosity the stranger stopped
citizen and said: He'd powerful storm
here, see." why. not that / know
Of" replied the citizen. .'Ye didn'tr
exclaimed the countryman, "then where
in thunder did them hailstones come
from"-PttSburg Chronicle Telegraph.
.'For ten years past" said the new
boarder, my habits have been regular
as clock work. rose on the stroke of
6; half an hour later | sat down to
breakfast; at was at work; dined
at 12, ate supper ut 6, and was in bed
at $50; ate only hearty food, and
hadn't sick day in all that time"
'.Dear me-" said the Deacon, in SYM
pathetic tones, "and what were you in
for?" And in the awful silence that
followed you could hear the hash CRATE
its teeth.-Burdette in Brooklyn Eagle.
A fashionable young lady at the
Grand Union, in Saratoga, gives the
following account of her silver poodle:
'.He's daisy, he is. So nice and
clever lie has his tooth brush and
keeps just as still when the maid uses
it with the powder. He barks to have |
his hair oiled and combed, and takes q
shampoo with perfect delight When
he goes TO bed he lays his head on the |
pillow and goes to sleep like tired |
boy. It's lots OF work caring for the |
brute, though. There's one thing I'm
thankful for. he's always dressed In the |
morning. ."-Canabridge Tribune.
Advice to speculators: A communi-
cation from the office of the Secretary |
of the Static of Alabama asked II the |
Lime Kiln Club had any advice to offer |
spectators in cotton and grain futures.
'.Ouly few" answered the President
s.De man who am fule 'nuff to buck |
ag'in worms. woeyil, rain. drouth,
sharpers. rings,ers, panics an robbers
In hopes to make stake orter have q
guardian 'pintcd to see dat he doan'
try TO swallow his elbow and choke |
hisself to death. ."-DetroH Free Press.
Smiles ain no sign o. good disser-
posishun. Dc red apple ain allus de
swectes'. Good sense doan' banker
arter fine c.oze. De stalk ain nigh so
bright arter de con Is ripe. De ahidin'