Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-12-05
FUN

FUN
HOME LIFE IN AMERICA.-Scene-
next room. Door shut. Nothing visible
except an audible voice the other side of
the door. Enter audible voice. audibly
speaking orally in broken accents.
Hah
There, now
Hor up
Hole dap!
Hole dup your red
Can't you hold your head dup?
Put tin
PUTT tin
Put tin your foot
Turn around!
Turn round
Oh. goodness, gracious. don't you know
how TO turn around +?
Hold your head still
Don't do that
T'other arml
The other arm
On, great land, go to your mother
1t is man dressing his infant son in
the morning.
Too Busy. TO THINK OF DOGs.-Mr.
Busyman is looking up and down the
street for lost dog. He is distressed be-
cause, he says, bis family is so fond of the
dog, which has been in his house nearly
nine years. Already, he has attempted to
lead and whistle home hairless Mexican
dog, big black Newfoundland, a red
Irish setter, and black and-tan.
what kind of dog was it ?" asks
Busyman and is growing suspicious of
him.
MIR. Busyman is startled.
81 declare" he says, Il don't know. l
never saw the dog 10 my life. you know;
often heard my wife and children speak
about him. but forget what they called
him. I'll go home and get description"
A busy man of many Cares is not the
kind of man to seek for a lost dog. Bur
lingion Hawkeye.
GREATEST VALUE RECEIvED.-A
minister's wife said to her husband:
1T seems unjust that a lawyer should
receive one hundred dollars or more for
obtaining divorce, while you often do
not get more than two dollars for per-
forming marriage ceremony"
1T seems little UNJUST" the good
man assented mildly. but, still, in the
case of the lawyer, this value received is
coed deal greater"
''Ycu needn't be so 6y,' said the new
boarder to the pretty waitress. ''Yester-
day you poured soup down my back, AID
tonight you flipped one of my biscuits up
my sleeve, and the other is so small it
looks lonesome swell. you are partlc'-
lar" said the pretty waitress, combing
out her best bangs with jeweled fingers.
you'll want butter in your oleomar-
gerlne next, and fish balls twice week.
Observation-Disclosures
hash - She had the last word.
Pa" said a little ssven-year old fell
low. II guess our man Ralph is good
Christian" How SO, my boy" qusried
The parent. why, pA, read in The BIZ
bic that the wicked shall not ilvs out half
his days. and Ralph says he has lived out
ever since be W IS a little boy"
.'What are the products of Ken: ucay?'
asked the teacher.
s'Tobacker!" yelled little Sammy.
"What else 20
.Whiskey!" yelled Tommy.
"What else ?"
.'KlrneIs !" yelled Johnny.
"Now, let's go down stairs and ride Oh
the electric railway said city lady to
her sister from the country. "Oh. no."
was the reply my son John has induced
me to ride on a steam railroad, but you
can never get me to ride on telegraph
wire.''
What is your cpiuion, sir, about di-
vorce ?" MADAM, L accept divorce as o
necessary compromise, but say without
hesitation that for really noble mind,
soul capable of delicate emotions, di-
voice can never hold a candle to widower-
hocd."
Scene: Scotch police Office. Presiding
bailie to plisoner-''You are fined five
ehillings. / wonder to see a respectable
man like you here.'' Deed an if 1 was
respectable" said the man, ITS not in
your company I'd be -
''Well, my daughter, your mother and
I In In, bo
windows in our new house. What kind
would you like in the parlor 2'' ''Oh,
thank you, papa, for seeking my advice.
should prefer beau windows
tive raised four children chiefly on
bread and BUTTER" said mother to
companion while slipping tea together.
swell. if it was as strong as this butter,
1 don't see why you shouldn't raise them"
was the caustic reply.
A young poetess says she "told er
secret to the sweet wild roses" Size was
very imprudent. When the sweet wild
roses blow" she will wish she had kept
her secret to herself.
.'Oa what grounds do you leave me
without the customary weeks notice ?''
Indignantly asked boarding house mis-
tress of leaving boarder. "Coffee
grounds, mum. coffee grounds" he tartly
replied.
"Well," how did you enjoy the service
this morning ?" ITO tell the truth, dar-
I could hardly hear a word of the ser
mon.'' why, heard it perfectly. What
was the matter 2" "Well don't know.