The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-08-30
The TorpedO Bell.Knoh.

The Man with the Cold Tea Scheme
looked morose and uncomfortable as he
masticated a toothpick and corrugated
his brow. His looks were so uninvi-
tingly unsocial that the Thin Man With
out a Shirt Collar hesitated 10 address
him. But at last sympathetic fellow
ship, tinged with curiosity, overcame
his hesitancy, and the Thin Man polite.
ly inquired:
Anything wrong, Mr.. Goshorn?"
Nothing special" somewhat snap
pingly responded the Cold Tea Man.
''Ain't got over your Fourth YETI"
"Ain't been on no Fourth"
Couldn't you get patriots pass to
Chicago?"
Didn't want none "
Tell us your excitement, Mr.. Cos
horn" said the Thin Man, persuasivelY.
"Why, Jarply," said the Cold Tea
Man, Il am simply disguised. The best
and most dsinterested actions of man s
life are liable to be misconstrued, and
oftimes the purest of motives are dis
torted by circumstances into deliberated
wrongs, while our very kindnesses
bring us enemies
GOSH said the Thin Man.
''It's fact. Yes, sir a solid fact -
''Look at me. I've got one of the
best mother-in-laws in the world. She's
great on putting up preserves and
pickles and jams and things, and be-
sides that she makes the finest butter
have ever eaten. She's liberal, too, and
keeps Sarah and me well supplied.
But like all old people she IS whrEsII 3;
and takes affront easy, and when she
ascends to the pinnacle of her Ear it's
month of Sundays before sh' comes
down.
"But what has all that tod with I'M
requited affections?" asked the Thin
Man,
''Just this: I'm living in neigh
borhood where there are great many
mischievous boys. In fact, The locality
is full of them. don'tsee what peo-
pie want with so many boys. Common
sense ought to tell them thatthe market
is Overstocked, and"
GA producers shutdown movement
ought to be inaugurated, you think, "
suggested the Thin Man.
"Well, yes, something of that sort
You see these little rascals have got in
the habit of pulling my door bell just
for the fun of hearing me come to the
door and swear. It's got to be a terri
BILE nuisance, and Sarah and | put our
heads together to find some way to stop
it. We Just wanted to scare them-not
hurt them, YOU know. At last | in
vented a great scheme. bored three
gimblet holes Just back of the bell knob
and put powder in them. Then l fixed
q percussion cap on behind, so that
when the door knob was pulled it
would explode the powder and give the
little rascals a good fright "
THAT was a great scheme.
go, yes, it was great scheme, but
it kicked. 1 fixed it all upto work like
a clock, and yesterday afternoon Sarah
and | sat quiet in the front hall await
ing for the boys to come and take
pull. Presently we heard step on
the front stoOp, and Sarah says:
There they GOMEZ Keep quiet, says
1; now there'll be fun. And Just then
the door bell was ierked and the pow
der went off with a tizz and bang,
and there was the greatest clawing,
screaming and tumbling down steps
that ever heard in my life. jumped
up and threw the door open, and ttfe7
lay Sarah's mother in fit on the sde-
walk. She'd just come to town to give
us a surprise visit, and had got caught
on that internal door-knob. All the ex-
PLANTATION in the world would not sat
isfy her. AS soon as she could stand
up she went oil vowing we were saw
ages and had made an attempt on her
life to get her property, and this year
we will have to do without preserves
and country butter" - Philadelphia
Chronicle