davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

[Walt. Buel in Cleveland Sentinel
I never feel comfortable when there's
man around that smiles all the time.
The only dog that bit me never stopped
waggin' his tail.
You show me man that's allus
workin' in politics an I'll show you one
that gets darned sight more an bet
ter to eat than his wife and children do.
There's a great deal of talk about
folks killin' themselves by overwork.
There's more people struck by light
MIN. Most such citters work eight
hours a day, an dance, drink or play
poker ten more. Then, wen they break
down, their wives put on the tombstone
"Died of Overworkl"
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
Paint for Ship Bottoms.
TCh{capo Trihuna

The government is now making ex-
periments to ascertain the best kind of
paint for the bottoms of the new steel
cruisers. 1t is desired to get, if posi-
BILE, paint that shall protect the bot
toms of iron and steel vessels as thor
oughly from barnacles and grass as
copper sheeting protects the bottom of
wooden vessels. That degree of sue
cess is scarcely expected, but an ap-
proach to it is hoped for. Plates of
iron have been sunk in the water at
Key West and at Portsmouth. N. H.,
painted with thirty-six kinds of paint.
They are lowered into the water from q
scow, so that they shall not touch bot
tom. When they have been down for
several months they will be taken up
and examined, and the paint which ap-
pears to be most nearly "anti-fouling"
will be used for the cruisers.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
How He Fools HIS Horse.
fEyansvilia Arp1is

There is doctor in this town who is
too parsimonious to enjoy good health.
He eats about one square meal day,
and tries to make himself believe he gets
two more, but he don't, for breakfast
and supper are merely sham. Not
contented with starving himself and
family, he has just hit on new scheme
to starve his own horse and yet make
the poor animal think it is his own
fault that he don't get fatter.
In the back part of the manger,
where the corn is put, he has set q
square piece of looking-glass, which he
keeps highly polished. He puts in
about four ears of corn and of course
the poor horse sees the reflection and
braces himself for a good square meal,
fondlv imagining that he is getting
eight. AS he eats the corn off the cobs,
the fictitious ears also disappear, and
eight cobs appear to his astonished
eyes. He then wonders how he can
have gotten away with eight ears and
yet feel no more weight in his stomach
This conundrum, added to the light
feed, is wearing the poor animal away
so fast that if the doctor don't make 9
change ere long, he will go around
killing his patients on foot.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
How 1t Feels 90 Klii y lIan.
fSenator Manderson of Nebraska. |

aOne gets used to that sort of busi-
ness, just as q surgeon becomes har-
dened and calloused in his profession.
The first man whom I killed was be-
fore Richmond, when Mcclellan was in
command. 1 was doing picket duty
late one night near the bank of creek,
and had been cautioned to be especially
watchful, as an attack was expected. I
carried my musket half-cocked, and
was startled by every rustic the wind
made among the trees and dead leaves.
It was some time after midnight that /
saw O Confederate cavalryman dashing
down the opposite side of the creek in
my direction As he was opposite, 7
fired upon the horse, and it fell. The
cayalryman regained his feet in mo-
ment, and had drawn his pistols.
Il called to him to surrender, but his
only reply was discharge from each
revolver, one bullet indict;ng a flesh
wound In my arm. Tnen let him
have it full in the breast. He leaped
three feet in the air and fell with his
face down. ] knew that had finished
him. ran and jumped across the
creek, picked him up and laid him on
his back. The blood was running out
of his nose and mouth, and poured in
torrent from the ragged hole in his
breast. In less time than it takes to tell
it he was dead, without having said a
word. Then my head began to swim,
and was sick at my stomach. I was
overcome by an indescribable horror Of
the deed had done. I trembled all
over, and felt as faint and weak as a
kitten. It was with the greatest diff
Guilty that I managed to get into camp.
There they laughed at me, but it was
weeks before my nervous system recov-
cred from the shock. Even in my
dreams I saw the pale face of the dying
cavalryman, and the specter haunted
me hike Nemesis long after I had got
over the first shock of the affair. It
was simply horr. bile, but in time I re-
covered, and at the close of the war I
was quite as Indifferent to the sacrifice
of human life as you could imagine"
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
The Children's Carnival.

The exhibition and ball of children
in fancy dresses at the Academy Mon
day night scored about the usual sue
cess, and netted considerable money
for the Homeopathic dispensary. It was
a pretty sight, no doubt, but every
child that took part in it is worse off
for it to-day. To turn crowd of we'll
behaved children into ballet-dancers,
and teach them to posture and whirl
in picturesque undress before thousands
of strangers, cannot be well for them
some of them little toddlers just able
to walk.
At the public rehearsal last Saturday
I called a little girl aside-a child of Z
er s, robed in short frock of blue with
a spangle of stars and tights on her
little legs. She came to me smiling
complacently and dropped her little
claw in mine as if were her revered
uncle whom she had known ever since
she was born. Then she hitched at me
till took her up on my knee.
"Do you like to dance?" 1 asked her.
90 yesl" she said, with tremendous
explosion of enthusiasm. II think 1t
is Just boo'ful!"
"Why do you like to come here 7" l
asked her. Now stop and think"
"'Cause for the dancing is booful, /"
she repeated, @and the people in the
boxes do pat at me when I dance, and
last year they sent me boo'ful bouquet
with candies in it. That girl dancing
now isn't near as pretty as me, is she? ~
"Yes, certainly she isl" I answered
and trust that the remark may be
charged mp on the white-ie side of the
ledger. if I am ever to be questioned
about it. Presently Mr.. Marwig beck
oned to my infant friend, and she
bowed neatly and ran away like little
quail. The children at the carniva
looked dreadfully weary, white, ant
iaded, with sunken eyes. If anybod.
in Chicago contemplates starting
children's carnival would give then
the advice that Punch gave to peopl
about to get married-"Don'tl"
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
The Mummy Business.

"Mummies, as q staple article Of
trade, are quite new. Ten years ago
the idea of buying and selling human
flesh, even though 1t is desiccated,
would have sent thrill of horror
through every honest Abolitionist. But
now-ah, my dear sir, we live In pro-
gressiye age. I went into the business
about five years ago, when mummies
sold-with the wrapping all intact-at
about $3.50. I made good deal Of
money at it, for mummies can be OBJ
tanned in the land of their curing for
the simple expense of digging for them.
Then the duty on them is not excessive,
and the consequence is that the profit
is exceedingly satisfactory"
DO mummies ever spoil in transit p
NO." said the irreverent old man,
They have been too we'll brought up
for that sort Of thing. Then they are
hermetically sealed and hal been well
cleaned before canning. and there were
never mosquitoes in Egypt, nor Jer-
sey lightning, nor Maine maple sugar,
nor oleomargarine. The Egyptians were
well-conducted individuals who died
when their time came and had them
selves sewed and glued up in the old
clothing of their relatives. No, they
don't spoil, my boy, but they improve
greatly after they have been partially
unwrapped.'
I'm what way, most mighty sage?"
"Well, when we unwrap them the
surface of the body is almost as white
as your flesh. A white mummy is like
curry without peppers, so we take him
out into the sun and set him full in the
rays of it. Before many days are passed
he assumes a color nearly like that OF
California redwood, and then he is
marketable. When he is sufficiently
tanned We varnish him, and you may
place him in the darkest corner Of your
brandy closet to frighten Bridget when
she gets thirsty without endangering
his complexion. l could give you no
definite idea how many mummies are i'm
ported into this country every year. I
myself sold nearly 800 Of them in 1888.
You see, when person gets tired of
his mummy and pines to be relieved of
his uncommunicative presence all he
has to do is to break the Egyptian up
with an ak, put the pieces in coffee
grinder, and then mix the dust up with
turpentine and linseed-oil. The result
will be an excellent color with which
to paint your dado an Egyptian red"
paint wall with human fesh?"
"Why, yes. Never let unhealthy
sentimentality interfere with high art
decoration"
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
sickness. Old Age, Death.

Bill Arp IN Atlanta Constitution
| wish was doctor. I would Like
to study my own case. Doctors ought
to be sickly folks anyhow, SO they could
learn from their own experience what
is the matter and how to give relief
When rheumatism gets in my bones /
want to know what to do for it on scien-
tific principles. II q change of atmos-
phere relieves me why won't something
else? Have the doctors been studying
over this 2, 600 years and can t tell ?Well, L
reckon can grunt on. A man wouldn't t
enjoy good health if he as/never sick.
He would want to live always if he
never had pain.
There was old Parr who lived to be
146 years old, and was married twice
after he was 100, and he took on
powerfully about dying when he was
taken suddenly with pneumonia. He
was no account. He was lazy and he
never concerned himself about any body
or anything, but just lived along like
mud turtle Some men live longer In
one year than old Parr did in hum
dred. I reckon that three score years
and ten are about right. That long
suits most of folks very we'll. I notice
that most all old people are willing to
die They get reconciled to it in due
time, and I'm glad it is SO, for it is
q wonderful change, leap in the dark
and it takes abundant faith in Provi-
dence to prepare one for it.
I used to think when I was boy that
it was awful and terrible, and couldn't
bear to think of it, and one day I heard
an old man get up in church and say he
had just as leave to die as to live, and
he could shake off life as easily as he
could shake off his coat. He had on a
great big old fashioned cloak with
sleeves to it, and he just gave it little
shake at the shoulders and it fell off on
the floor / will never forget that and
I wondered if I would ever feel that
wav
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
Paris Picturesque water Carrier.

d. "A.
The water-carrier is generally any
where along between 81 and 40 years of
age; he is never very tall, but is often
short al muscular. He wears a wide
brimmed hat and does not follow the
seasons in the matter of clothing. Sum-
mer and winter his wearing apparel
consists of loose cloth jacket, panta-
looms Of corduroy, held in place by q.
wide red sash wound several times
around the loins. A pair of rawhide
shoes, with the soles thickly studded
with large-hea led nails, completes his
costume. Whether the sun shoots
down its fiercest rays from cloudless
August sky whether it rains, SHOWS or
halls, the water carrier makes his daily
round with the regularity of the hands
of clock on your parlor mantel-piece
with even more regularity, for your
Partisan clock often stops before it has
run down. But your water carrier
never misses filing your tank.
Some years ago, before the present
system of water works made it possible
for the firemen to obtain water for
their hand-sauirts within half an hour
after the arrival of pumps on the scene
OF ac6lOn, 6l6 cafTleIS were reg uiIcu W
keep their barrels full over night and
| to be ready to start on the first alarm
| to aid the firemen in keeping their
pumps filed. The duty was one which
always excited the enthusiasm Of the
carriers, who raced to fires with all the
enjoyment of an old time American vol
unteer department. But this willing
ness to perform public duty was not
| exclusively the result of public spirit,
for there was handsome bonus paid
by the city to the one who arrived first.
AS he goes on his daily round tho
water-carlier keeps sharp.look-out for
chance customers; he is always doing
his best to extend his trade. This he
does by singing out "Marchand de
Peaul" aVla marchand de reaup in
tones that are audible to the very attics
of the surrounding houses. The cry
is not unmusical and is divided into two
parts, the first being pitched on high
sharp key and sinking away in the lat
ter part to deep basso note.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
Greeley's slippers.

On one of Horace Greeley's visits to
Pike county he nearly trod upon a
rattlesnake. A friend killed the snake
and afterwards had the skin tanned
and worked into pair of slippers,
which were presented to the great
editor. Mr.. Greeley priced them highly
until the failure of the Fourierite ex-
pertinent, when, disliking to see any
thing that reminded him of Pike county,
he gave the slippers to his brother, who
now lives in western Pennsylvania, and
still retains them in his possession.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
.Deceitfuin Teeth.
New York World.l

A few days ago teacher in one of
our uptown public schools was exer-
cising her class in definition of words
and the writing of sentences. Deceit
full said she, "means false;" and she
told one of the scholars, tow-headed
boy, to write on his slate sentence
with "deceitful" in it. He scratched
his Uranium, looked at the ceiling, and
then ran his pencil over the slate.
Read what you have written, said the
teacher. "M ma has deceitful teeth, !"
was what he read. The teacher
laughed and the boys laughed, and they
laughed SO long that it was time to &c
home before they recovered.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
[Exchange.l

An sbsent-minded Austin justice of
the peace, whose customers are prin-
cipally inebriates whoare brought before
his court, was called on to marry q
couple. He did not make any mistake
until he asked the bride if she took the
groom to be her welded husband. II
do" And what are the mitigating
circumstances, it any?" inquired the
absent minded justice.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
why They Are Drowned.

An old steam boat captain once told
me that most men who fall off the
steamboats, are drowned by endeavor-
ing to get back to the boat. He said if
a man would let himself float down the
stream, using every exertion to reach
the bank, he would be saved in nine
cases out of ten, but no one was ever
saved who endeavored to get back to
the boat he had fallen from. believe
the captain told the truth, and making
it public in this way may do some
o0o1
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
Prehistoric Americans.
TAtlanta Constits,t;op |

There is no evidence that the prehis-
toric races of America had any knowl-
edge of iron, or that they knew how to
manufacture bronze. Copper, however,
was used extensively for ornaments and
for implements. The specimens of
copper tools found in ancient earth
works show that the prehistoric abo-
rigines did not understand the art OF
casting, but were compelled to ham
mer their pure copper into shape.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
A slow Young Man.
Inter Ocean I

Il am afraid that young Featherly,
who calls on you so often, is rather q
fast young man." said father to his
daughter.
"Oh, no, he isn't father" replied the
little brother who was present.
"What do you know about Mr..
Featherly ?" demanded the old man.
"I only know he replied, '@that I
heard him ask sister for kiss last
night and she told him he could have
one if he would be quick about it. But
it was the slowest kiss I ever saw"
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

@. G. Post: Don't attempt to run
everything by brute force, but try a lit
tie persuasion occasionally. A warm
board held against chickens foot on
frosty night will induce him to balance
himself on the end of it every time.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
VOL. TX.
DO THE MEEK INHERIT THE EARTH

Boston Saturday Evening Gazette.l
The eagle plucks the raven,
And the raven plucks the jay
To whose voracious craving
The cricket falls prey.
The big fish dimes at leisure
Upon the smaller fry,
And the minnow eats with pleasure
The poor, unconscious dy.
The miser skins his neighbor,
Ard the neighbor skins the pOsa,
And the poor man doomed to labor
Spurns the beggar from his door.
And thus the world Is preying,
The strong upon the weak,
Despite the precious saying:
The earth is for the meek
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
Back Into the Murky.

Some of the mummies in the British
museum have false teeth. This throws
the origin of the railway sandwich
away back into the murky clouds OF an
tiquity again.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

Yale Literary Magazine: There are
now few traces of the o1d-time opinion
that much learning units one for the
rudimental duties of salesman, clerk
or agent in Whatever department.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

Helen Wilmans: War does not
educate; its mission is accomplished
when it has burst an inelastic impedi-
ment.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

A patent for "new and attractive
design of shoe" was recently granted to
m inventor of Pennington, N. h
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

Bulwer-Lytton: Our ideas, like
orange-plants, spread out in proportion
to the size of the box which imprisons
the roots.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

Richter: Unhappy is the man for
whom his own mother has not made all
other mothers venerable.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19

4o;oh Hunt: It is books that teach
- refine our pleasures when young,
ond 10 which, having so taught US. enable
90 Ia recall them with satisfaction when.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1884-04-19
: ,,,,,...,,,np reward Her Own Monu-
rT,e Current.l

IThe CurrentI
s,,bserintious falling, Ristori was asked to
oaoSs, ,,S.,ta toward the erection of her own
col..,apa ,r,ant which the council in the town OF
,.;,.t decided some time ago to build to
n. nc. t,,nor She is said to have given the aid
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1884-12-28
Interpie,ring Under Di5icmltfes.

Mr.. futile, the North Land explorer in
the wilds OF Labrador, encountered the IN
tptored savages" of the Esquimeaux tribe,
and in the laudable effort TO gain informa-
ton interviewed native through an inter
prefer. The native was shrewd, adroit aud
uncommuuicstive as the humor moved him,
and some of our interviewed white states
men who DO not wish to divulge too much
and expose their weak points, or subject
themselves TO public criticism, "most likely
might learn a useful lesson in the art of eva
sion from this simple denizen Of the woods.
This is the interview IN eztssSo:
Are there many natives in this sectionp'
''Most likely good many"
"a hundred or a thouszndl'
she doesn't count"
''Is there an Eskimo village In these parts,
"a town where they come together in
wipters"
''He SAYS most likely there Is"
Doesn't he know!"
"Most likely he does.''
But ask him."
''He says most likely there Is"
''Where is itg"
''He doesn't know"
Then he doesn't know whether there is a
"Most likely he Doesn't"
''Have the Eskimos any idea Of religioni''
"Most likely they have"
'But ask him.
"He says be doesn't understand what re-
ligion is"
Does he expect to go any place when be
dies ;"
"Most likely he does"
ASK him wherer"
"He says most likely he don't know
wheren
"Hsve they any burial service when one
of their number diesi''
she says most likely they hasn'tn
cat what age does the Eskimo msrryfr
''Most likely the girl will be 10 or l2 and
the man Ia or 49,"
"Do they ever quarrel and separatep'
"He says most likely they does"
''What do they do then?'i
''He says most likely the women gets an
other man, and the man most likely finds
another woman.
''Do the men ever marry more than one
woman, or have two or three wives at one
timer'
''He says most likely they does.n
'Do they not know it is wrong to hSve
more than one wifeg''
''He says most likely be won't 20 on"
''What does he meanl'
''Most likely he is sulky and won't an
swer"
''Have the natives here ever seen q vessel
beforel''
'He says only one Of them has,"
"He says most likely he won't tell you
anything else"
St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1884-12-28


turn OF the late viceroy Of India there viii
be, 1t is announced, lunch Cor 500 people
and tea for the working classes
The Palestine bees are regarded as remark
able, and recently gentleman In Jerusalem
I forwarded to this country a queen bee by
IrzaiL the first ever sent. It came through
N twenty three days, and within week after
Its arrival began to lag.
Among the men composing poker party
hauled in BY the police Of Atlantis were a
sheriff and a county Judge, two members OF
the Legislature, groom and a preacher who
were to be the principals in marriage feast
next day, and several others
Paris photographer worried himself near
ly 10 death taking an instantaneous negative
81 a railway train in motion, only to diseov-
er that he might just as we'll have taken bis
time 10 it aud photographed a train standing
still. as the appearance Of the negative was
precisely the same.
The most famous medallion is gold one
OF Augustus Cesar. OF the Roman medal
lions some were struck by order of the senate
No portrait of person not princely occurs
on any ancient medSl. A remarkable cir
eumstance, considering the numerous con
temporary poets, historians and philosophers
In Mexico there is petri6ed forest cover
ing 500 acres. The petrided stumps, limbs,
and, intact, whole trees lie about on all
sides; the action of the water for hundreds
of years have gradually washed away the high
hills roundabouts, and the trees that once
| covered The high table-lands now lie in the
valley h5neath.
Prof Alexander Agassiz, who has just re-
/ s!gned7his position as fellow OF Harvard
/ College, has been one of the most generous
OF thai Institutions benefactors. although his
liberality has always been transformations.
During his official connection with it he has
given over half million dollars for various
] objects connected with the university.
IoleW Hamilton Gibson drew a picture which
avas engraved for holiday book, whereupon
the Art Critic said that most of the merit was
due to the engraver, 'who shows the power
TO take up the theme submitted to him bS the
artist and add meaning to 1t until it becomes
ALMOST. wholly his own" Gibson retorts that
thsRngraving was done solely by chemical
process.