The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1884-12-13
THE CAT AND THE BoOTJAcK.
Burdette on the Deficiencies of the Leading
American HurnOrist.

American Hurmorist.
Il. J, Burdette, in Louisville Courier-Journal.
All over this broad land there goes up a cry
for the suppression of cats Only one dissenting
voice is heard, that of Henry Bergh, pleading
for the protection of cats and the extermlnatloH
of man. But the rest of us hate that noble ann
NAL, the cat She rarely catches miee-
She runs away in terror from gray
cellar rat. And a barn rat that can't
whip his weight in cats is NO
longer admitted into good society and his dis
graced name is scratched off the assembly
books. But nevertheless, the tribe of cats Is on
the increase 1t multiplies on the face of thu
wood shed, and replenshes the back fence and
the kitchen roof in the face Of thehatred of man
Why is this!
Briefly stated, the cause is found in the do
cadence of the bootiack
From the date of the confusion of tongues at
Babel the bootjack has been the sole effective
weapon against cats. No other weapon that has
been formed against them has prospered Shot
guns have scattered and failed Water pitchers
only smash themselves against the wood shed
door the division fence and brickbats bang
against the alley fence and rebound into tho
geranum bed. But the bootjack, with unerring
instinct, flies on wings Of hate straight at its
natural enemy catches him amidship every
time knocks ''yawl" out of him as long as
centennial poem, and demolishes him. Never
yet was bootjack fired out of a window by the
hand of man that did not knock some proving
eat into the land of the Forthwith. Hence, with
But" says the skeptic "bootjacks are as
numerous and accurate to-day ever they
were. Your argument fails because of its faulty
premise"
Oh, simpleminded mani Oh feeble one
slow to believe anything save that which is
palpably incredible, you have been fed upoR
funny papers. The leading American hu-
morist' whose name is Legion, lives in tho
dim traditions of the past so far as this cat
business is concerned. He reads about the
bootjack in the days of its glorious precision,
in tue far-away times of Doesticks, and as no
weaves his own stories of the cats of to-day
he brings in the unerring bootjack. He de-
ceives you The leading American humor-
list" does not keep abreast of the times, as does
the dime novel writer. When the dime novelist
writes a romance of the plains to-day, he arms
his cowboy or scout with Winchester. He
knows that the squirrel rifle of Misunderstanding
with its long wooden stock, small bore bullet
patches, hickory ramrod and powder-horn, IS u
thing of the past. The humorist, however, tries
to drag that dead past into the light and life OF
to-day when he writes Of CATS and so he deceiveE
you
Now who wears 'qeg boots in the cities to-
day! Not one man in several OF what use
then, are bootjacksl Obviously, Of no use.
They are discarded. They are no longer
an article of household furniture. They are
antiques to decorate and hang up on the parlOr
wall, Consequently, the cats have Their
own sweet way, and when :; man
would slay one thsre is no death dealing
bootjack to fire at it. We all wear shoes these
days in the cities. And it is in the cities that
the great cry for the suppression of the cats is
heard. In the smaller towns of the West and
South, where ''leg boots are still worn, the
bootjack fourishes and the subdued cat behaves
himself. But where there are no bootjacks the
cats stuff the ballot-boxes and control the re-
turns
Once more, to show you how fondly the
leading American humorst' clings to the ira
ditions of the pact observe in his funny articles
on cats how often he alludes to their assembling
on the roof of the wood-shed" Now tell me-
in the great cities where many humorous papers
are published, how many wood sheds"
are therel Why. a New York or Phila-
delphia cat would fall dead of exhaustion
hunting for a '"wood-shed." People bura
coal in these days And they don't
keep it in a shed in the cities They know
better They load it up in the cellar. But, al
though there may not be one wood shed" in the
entire corporation, yet to save his undying sal
airy, the humorist when he writes of cats, can
not refrain from illusions to the wood shed roof
He can't help it. So, You see, if you are at all
of trusting nature, he deeeives you.
But do not l sometimes make the same allU-
sious in my cat articlesF
Well should hope l did, every time. Bless
your simple SOUL do you suppose would go
back on the hoary traditions of the professionf
Why look here may be you don't know who 1
am Lean over and I'll just whisper in your ear;
| don't want it to become generally known
l am the leading American humorist." All
others are impostorS.