National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1884-11-22
TENDERFOOT TALES.
A UNION PACIFIC CONDUCTOR SPINS A
YARN FOR A PASSENGER.
How an English Tourist Started for Pixies
Peak and the boot Hills, and to Swim Irrl.
eating Ditches-The Story Heard In Twelve
States.
Hoht Reporter.

OhO VI Nho NhAhhe hh"N shN'N sH'fa N'"S'
an eastern man on his first visit to the
Rocky mountain region is the nearness Of
the distance, tho total disregard Of the
perspective for veracity.
"I'll tell you a good story about that"
said the Union Pacific conductor to whom
l spoke of this mrated ozone and illuaive
landscape annoyance just before we
reached Cheyenne.
Down in Denver. an Englishman ar
rived at the Windsor at night, and in the
morning he saw the mounta ns from his
window. True to.thc energetic habit of
his nationality, he thought he would
enjoy little constitutional before break
fast, by iaunt to the mountains close by.
Well, that Eugishmen walked, and
walked, aud walked, and the longer he
walked the further away seemed tho
mountains. But he got his John Bull up
and swore he'd catch those mountains, or
one of th, smaller hills, at any ratio. be-
fore he'd give in. So he walked, and
walked, and walked, and after about three
hours he came to an irrigating ditch"
whats an irrigating ditch-anything
like the Erie canalp l asked.
"An irrigating ditch is an artificial
stream about foot wide. Well, this
Englishman had taken u tumble by this
time that Colorado distances are not what
they seem, and he begun to peel. just as
he'd got Off every last rag, an old ranch
man came up aud thought he'd struck an
escaped lunatic.
"'what the hot blank are you aboutp
said he.
"Tm only going to swim over, you
know
"Swim nothin', said the ranchmau.
no Mississippi-this is only a irrigatin'
ditchv
"Irrigating ditch be awfully blanked |!
I've been walking three hours to got to
those blooming peaks over yonder, aud
you can't play of any mighty curront for
an irrigating ditch on me-"
l laughed and gave the conductor q
cigar.
Wonderful distances they have out
here" said the clerk of the hotel in Chey-
enne. after assigning me to room.
Now, there was an Englshluan out in
Denver, one time, who started to walk to
the mountains before break fast-it's fif-
teen to twenty miles, have forgotten
which. He got SO broke up that when he
came to an irrigating ditch, not more
than three feet wide, he pulled OFF his
clothes to swim across"
what did he do that for?"
'Why, he'd got so fooled on the distance
to the mountains that he thought the
ditch was a river"
"Ohw
Good joke, wasn't it?"
"Awfully good joke. Come and have
something"
We adjourned to the irrigating depart
ment next door. Just then Mr.. Hicks,
cashier of the First National bank, came
in and asked mo around to the bank,
whore there were letters for me. After /
had gone through my mail Mr.. Hicks
said
Funny thing about this atmosphere
you can see so far that you got left on the
distance. Everybody gets fooled. Last
week an Euglishman was In Denver, and
he struck out to get an appetite before
breakfast. He thought he'd tramp over
to the mountains. He supposed they
were about four miles away, when In
fact they we're forty. After he'd walked
till noon-pluoky fellow, wouldn't give
in--he came to an sirrigating ditch, one
of those shallow streams of water, not
over ten or fifteen feet wide-any one
could wade it, you know-and what dc
you suppose he did ?"
Skinned out Of his clothes and swan
over"
Who told youP'
Guessed it."
"And what would make him do that ~
because he wasn't sure tho Denver
water-works and his bath tub made close
connection"
This time / was tho one who was in
vited to inspect French plate.glsss mir
ror, with glittering array of convivial
bric-a-brac in front of it,
Il hope you enjoyed your trip to the
Sandwich islands, and found it beneh-
cial," said to Gov. Hill whom called
on him in the afternoon.
very pleasant. indeed" replied the
governor, "but did not notice tho same
peculiarities of the atmosphere as those
with which am familiar in Wyoming
They told me in Denver day or two
since q most amusing instances Of the
manner in which our distances mislead
strangers. An English tourist-who, by
the way, had occupied the same rooms a:
those had at the Windsor--set out tc
walk before breakfast to the mountain:
one secs from the windows, supposine
the distance no more than half dozen
miles. In reality it is twice that far. On
and what do you suppose he tried to do Z?
Build bridge?"
mo. He actually undressed with the
intention of swimming across. and would
have made the attempt had he not been
stopped by a cowboy"
| thanked the governor for the delight.
ful little anecdote, of which l made a
memorandum for future use.
| At Rawlins, l asked Joe Rankin, the
scout to tell me about that famous ride OF
his-160 miles in twenty-four hours
when he was after relief for Mai. Thorn
burgh at the time of the Meeker mas
| sacre.
well" said Joe, at took four horses to
do 1t, 1t was right smart of a ride, and
got troops down there in time-thats all
there was to it. But that ride wasn't hall
as funny as the walk an English fellow
took down to Denver. He allowed he was
right lively with his legs--some of them
English chaps is-and so he starts in "a
walk from his hotel to the mountains be-
fore break fast"
Did he get there"
"You bet he didn't 1t would take a
rustler to do il in half day. After a
while he struck an irrigating ditch and
he says:
"'Darned ifthey play any more of their
atmospheric tricks on me. One trip to
learn is enough for any Englishman 60
ing
"And with that he climbs out of hit
whole outfit"
Got too warm walking. suppose, and
peeled to cool OFF,"
"Naw Thought the blankety -blanked
ditch was river a mile wide and wa
going to swim over"
Ibid he?
"Naw ~
"Why"
"Struck a cowboy and gun-both
loaded-climbed back into his outfit, aud
allowed when he wanted to catch any
more mountains he'd rope 'em. Good joke
on the Englishman
First class. Try some of this oholerl
mixtureN
Away up in the SweetWater valley, IL