Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-01-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

u IsloIo- piiilicuIaIly Wnen there IS only
enough to satisfy the appetite of ten.
What in a woman is called '.curiosi-
ty'. IN man is grandiloquenlv magni-
fed into the spirit of inquiry"
Native oysters are selling now in
London for dollar dozen, and are
poor at that price.
A Milwaukee belle attending thea
ire in New York City recently complain
ed in one of the scenes that the light
was too dim to see the acting properly.
your little hands but hide n SMILE
is the latest sensational song. The
'1ittle hands" are supposed to be col
laring a gin tizz.
Yorkel (to his son at u concert dur
ing the performance of a duet)-'D'ye
see, Tom, now it's getting late they are
singing two at n time so rs TO get done
sooner"
Six months after marriage: ''Weel.
weel, Sandy. how dye like the little
leddy?" ''Ah, weel, Alec, I'll nae deny
that she haze fine conversational
powers"
Smoking may be q bad habit" he
said, as he rode beside pretty Phila-
delphia girl. ''but that habit of yours is
perfectly killing" The marriage took
place the next day.
A townsville young man concluded
to sprinkle red pepper on the floor of a
dance hall '"ust for joke" The joke
was carried out-and so was the young
man. The latter, however, was not
carried out so quietly as the former.
A Galveston man, who has a mule
for sale, hearing that friend in Hous-
ton wanted to buy an animal of that
desert ption, telegraphed MIN: ''If you
are looking for a No. L mule don't for
get me-"
A man who recently rented a room
advertised to have running water, look
ed III vain for the faucets, and finally
concluded that the running water must
be the water that ran through the roof
and disturbed mis- nightly rest.
A young lady in Kalamazoo declined
to eat beef because she thought it was
cruel to kill the dear, delightful COWS.
She changed her mind when a wild Jer-
sey chewed up her red parasol.-Nea0
York Journal.
The deacons of the New Hampshire
Legislature have amended the Wood
chuck law so that no bounty will be
paid for q woodchuck killed on Sunday.
This will give the boys Sunday to go
fishing.
won't you try this glass;" asked
her escort, handing her his lorgneSte.
Hastily covering the misunderstanding
object with her handkerchief, she plac-
ed it to her lips, took long pull and
then handed it back in great disgust,
saying: Why, there amt drop in itr'
A scientific journal explains ''why
man can't fly In great many cases
it is because he is grabbed by the min
ions of the law before he can escape
with the funds of the bank. But there
are times, however, when he succeeds
in flying.
a visionary local financier, who had
Il thousand ways to make fortune and
not single one to make a living, is
described by q friend as "a man so san
guine that the mere getting hold of a
shoestring makes him think he is al
ready the owner of tannery. - Wash
ington Sunday Herald.
"Halloaw calculated guardian to
his pretty niece as he entered the parlor
and saw her in the arms of Il swain who
had just popped the question and seal
ed it with kiss, whats the time of
day now?" II should think it was
about half-past r." was the cool reply
of the blushing damsel; ''you see we
are almost one"
Mike-''It's the Irish that does all
the invinting in these days, sure.
Jonatnan-''Irish be darned! the Irish
don't invent anything to speak
Of, Americans invent everything"
Mike-"Ihin perhaps yes can tell me
why the Irishman's name, Pat, is always
next to the date on all the new invint-
ions. Divil an American name can yez
find on one, ut ALL at all!'
miss Fitzjoy-aw-are you not fond
of etchings-aw-you know they are
duced clever-some of them are?" 'Ah,
yes, indeed, Mr.. Featherweight. And
do you know there is something about
you that reminds me very much of an
etching?" 'What, really aw-how
charming" Eyes. There is about
you such foggy suggestion of some
thing that isn't there, you know.
A self-acting sofa. just large enough
for two, has been invented. If proper
II wound Up it will begin to ring a
warning bell just before 10 O clock. At
l minute after 10 it splits apart, and
while one half carries the daughter OF
the house upstairs the other half kicks
her young man out of doors. They
will come high, but people must have
them.
Dom you forget, exclaimed man,
arising during discussion, ''that 1 lay
over the deck" "Do you mean that
you can whip me?" replied a long
haired Arkansas man, also arising.
mo, sir" said the first speaker. Then
what do you mean when you say you
lay over the deck?' 81 mean that I
am q steamboatman, and sleep in the
pilot-house. F"
''Are you to take astronomy next
term, EIise?" inquired a classmate of
L f,-,o 81