Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1884-05-29
WIT AND HUMOR.

1t is not every woman who can trav-
ell all over the country on a dollar; but
the woman whose picture is on that
coin manages to do it.
do you carry a walking stiek?"
asked one avenue belle Of another.
"No," was the nonchalant response,
"but have a beau, which is just about
the same"
On an occasion when her grandfather
in his haste forgot to ask the blessing,
Dot called out, whoa! whoa! Papa
Willard! back up and say your pray
ers's.-Harper's Bdzar.
A Bismarck woman says she can put
her baby to sleep in two minutes by
singing Sweet Violets." The know
ing little one probably feigns sleep to
get her to stop the music.
The novel Two Kisses" is said to
be having great run. We know of a
man in this town who took 1.-TWO
Kisses" and is having a great run.
The woman's husband is after him.
Rockland Courier.
ut is terribly trying" remarked the
woman with the bass voice, "and l
can't stand it another day. Whenever
l 60 to the speaking-tpbe to ask ques-
ton, am invariably answered Yes,
sir, or No. sir. ~
We think if Shakespeare had lived in
Vermont he would never have written
What o fall was there, my country
menu He would have put it "What
Winter was there, my countrymen!-
Burlington Free Press.
DO you paint yet?' asked an old
friend of feminine artist, whom she
had not seen before for many years.
Yes" was the answer, Il still paint.
Paint the children red and l put it on
with my slipper"
$50 Miss Skimps and Mr.. Limbs are
to get married. Well, 1 declare! That
aged couple. And she is old enough
to be his mother" ''Indeed she is.
And as for him-why, he's old enough
to be her father"
"Aunt Jane" said an exasperated
wife, II wish it was custom for
women to trade husbands as it is for
men to trade horses.n "Why, my
dear?" Because, if it was, I'd cheat
some woman dreadfully before sun
down."
A new police regulation in Saxony
forbids female singers under 21 years
to perform in public places of amuse-
ment. A law relating to ballet-girls
might exclude all under the age of S5
years, and, very few now on the stage
would have to retire
HE stood six feet two in his stock
ings, and every inch man," says an
exchange HIM! That is seventy
four inches; ''every inch man" would
make seventy-four men. This must be
the same identical customer who was a
s.host in himself
A voluble chromo-peddler, who was
Dragging of his acquaintance with
prominent men, was asked if he knew
the marquis of Butte. "The marks of
boot?" he echoed, feelingly. well, l
should rather think | did, And no
one disputed his word"
What are you doing?" asked a
clearinghouse man of his chum as he
caught him tip-toeing up and down
stairs. Il am going to get married
next month";" was the solemn reply,
"and I'm practicing how to get in late
at night without raising racket
A Texas postmaster boasts of being q
veteran of three wars, but his boasting
is no evidence of his bravery. We
have quiet little man up here who
has been married seven times, and he
never mentions it unless questioned on
the subject. This is genuine heroism.
-BiSmarcG Tribune.
That not what meant" respond
ed the professor. "ln ancient days
knowledge was confined to 4 few learn
ed men, but nowadays almost every
donkey knows as much rs u professor. :"
The students looked at each other,
nodded. and whispered, That's SO. -
TEXAS SJlings.
Henry Wizards wife is daughter of
William Lloyd Garrison, and is full of
pluck. She wouldn't be true Garri-
son if she wasn't. 1t may also be said
that the man who captured q whole
Garrison, all by himself, cannot be
kept down long for the want of few
dirty dollars. Orleans Picayune.
U. S. Senator Farley, of California,
has long beard of which he is very
proud, and, its natural color not being
according to his tastes, he attempted
to improve it by the use OF iodine, with
a painful result. He has been i'll for
several months from the effects of pois-
onous hair dye, and is but the shadow
of his former self.
The last number of the Chicago Eye
contains an alleged likeness of Mrs.
Langtry. If the nose were knocked q
little further to one side, if the chin
were more out of plumb, if there was q
scar on the forehead and piece of the
left ear were missing, it would be one
of the best woOdcuts of the late Eliza
Pinkston ever published.
A witty physician in Paris, being
called to attend very pretty actress,
after duly feeling her pulse and look
ing at her tongue, pronounced that
marriage was the only cure. ''You
are single, are you not, my dear doc
torp' she asked. ''Yes, madam; but
the doctors only prescribe remedies
they do not take them" was the re-
joinder.
''Boy." he asked, as he stood at the
foot of Woodward avenue and looking
across to the Canadian shore, ''what is
the depth of water off the dock here?"
The boy looked him all over with a
careful eye and then slowly answered.:
'That's the way it's allus been! If q
fellow wants to commit suicide it's allus
someone so big that his clothes won't
begin to fit me! I won't tell you moth
ing about it!''