The Evening critic., 1884-01-14
OUR BILL PHILOSOPHERS

possibility OF Enforcing IL, ana
Then Pictures the Scenes at Judge
Smells Matinee.
"Been to another matinee, Dlll7"
"You bet" replied that worthy, rs he seated
himself on corner OF the editors table and
began to fool with tho paste. Cwhon no was
messenger no was more respectfully
Couldn't miss Judge SMELLS chow on Monday"
'Why Monday, particularly"
zoos there's generally moro fun then-more
performers, you know. The cops have two
days to FIX up the programme aud bring In
the aetors. sunday Is good day for DRINKS
"How IS thatP Isn't the Sunday law on.
forced and the saloons oil kept closedp"
y This struck Bill as being so funny that he
roared with laughter, and he became irrev.
erent and disrespectful. swell; you must DO
greeny," he said. "You're nice news edi.
Guess can't learn my trade Mt this shop, II
that's all you know. Saloons closed or course
they are. And there amt no side.door ar.
rangement, neither; nor no hocus-pocus sort
OF secret society arrangement Mt some OF them,
neither Somehow or other, though, every
follow who isn't known to be n cop or spy
knows the grip and the password, and gets n.
But I'll tell you what think" and hero Bill
became confidential and looked very wise.
III think that as people will drink, and rs
they manage TO get the stun anyhow, that IL
had better be done on the open. don't be.
liovo there would be any more drunkenness,
and don't believe any moro money would be
"wheres your logic for that 2?
"Don't know anything about logic. I'm
talking about drinks now. heard fellow
gay tho Sunday law was a deadletter, and
after that was explained to mo, thought so,
too. It's as dead as the corpses that tho Sons
and Daughters OF Moses and the Good Samarl-
tnns used to keep on Ice for week to have
big funeral on Sunday. II can't be enforced,
except when spy or an informor or q snoak
gets In and makes complaint that he IL paid
cattle. Well, four or five follows get together
on Sunday, and after awhile one fellow says
beer" and the others say 'pll line you, Jedgo,'
and then they mako for n sido door somo-
whore. When they get In they stay there IN n
hot room, without fresh air, and one fellow
treats another until they've had enough TO
make them all tight. You sec, II isn't exactly
pleasant 10 try too many side doore, and so
they stick to one place Tho fellows get out OF
patience when thoy have to rap or pull tho
bell two or three times and wait till the bar
keep or tho man on the lookout peeps
through tho peep-hole and satisfes himself
that the crowd on tho outside is all right.
Now, II tho bars were opon Sundays, the
fellows would Just walk In as they do week
days, take nip and march out, and not stay
In close room and get drunk"
"And, pray, where did YOU learn all this2'
"Heard the fellows talk about IT, You see
know what my ears were made for and keep
them open. Why, $50 heard real good men
who were down on all drinking say that rs IL
seemed impossible 10 stop the sale of rum on
Sunday, 1t would be better to let the saloons
keep open and stop tho mean, cowardly aud
sneaking schemes that people resort 10 TO get
drink. This thing OF going to side doors,
through dark passages and up side alleys
teaches people to be sneaks."
according TO your gauge, how was the
moral atmosphere yostorday2 Did Smell have
many DRINKS to-day"
"ohl you can't tell exactly how many DRINKS
there wore from that docket. You must 90 to
the statlon-houses for that, You see the gentle
manly DRINKS arc let or after they sleep OF
| the effects. It's tho FOUNDERS and loafers aud
fellows who raise Hades who get into sweet
Williams clutches"
"Who is sweet William"
| "Why, William d. Smell. His names Will
| lam, same as mine. They call mo Bill, but
that wouldn't do for n Judge, so l call him
sweet william. The fellows he letu off think
he's Just too sweet to live. The other fellows
"what was the first thing on to-day's pro.
| gramme2"
"Joseph Neverson aRd Mary Bedford, the
mother and father OF the notorious coon that
Killed young Mr.. Hlrth, some time ago, were
hauled up. colored cop named Janifer,
| said he gave them the collar last night for
| monkeying around the street after 10 o'clock.
| He said they were bad citizens and Migrants.
| Then the Judge said lie would take their per.
sonai bonds, and i looked awful funny to SEQ
| people charged with being Migrants and then
| hear the clerk say II they repeated the ofronse
| the Government would levy on their goods
| and chattels and lands and tenements, Just
| what they are charged with not having any
OF.
"Then Alexander Cooper, another hungry
| looking colored man got three months free
board from the Government. The next one
| 1erked up to the bar was odlooking yellow
| youth that looked like he was dressed for
| Sunday-school and was arrested before he got
there. He was sharp one; he wanted TO 70
| to the Reform School, and commenced TO
| grumble because they only sent him to tho
farm for ninety days on the charge OF
"Didn't you have any white vags %
| eyes. Old Seth Lunsford was In again.
| Times must BIO hard in Georgetown now, be-
cause Seth had his linen duster pinned close
| up TO his chin 80 the Judge couldn't see that
no didn't have any shirt on. seth's sharp,
| though. When he gets took In for being a
tramp he always goes to Georgetown, because
| vag law from that place only sends them down
for twenty days-just long enough to get
sobered up and fat. Another white vag, named
Charles Ernest, got three months. Then Will.
| lam Robinson was called up for being sus-
| piclous character. policeman said he was q
He told good story, and got or ON his per-
sonal bonds. James Lambert was proven to
be n vag, and got three months"
"Any thieves up this morning?"
"Oniy two. Tho thieves must all be getting
| rich or In jail, and the Judge looked hungry
when he found out he hadn't any more thieves
the devil hates holy water, but he
| got his work In on an old colored
woman for receiving stolen goods, be-
| cause no says thems the people that makes
thieves. This old woman I'm talking to you
| about is Susan Keith, who was In the other
| day for receiving carpet that was stolen from
| Mrs. General Beale's house. There was some
tall swearing IN the case. Mrs. Boale's SER
| wants identified tho carpet by an ink spot and
| a hole the rats ate In II. There was a whole
| crowd Of witnesses on tho other side who iden-
titled 1t as Mrs. Keith's by the same marks.
The Judge said he would give her six months
| In jail and her lawyer appealed"
ehf'
''That was about the size OF It,"
| "The next case was interesting. Annie Jack
son, a ny little colored girl, was behind the
| bars for trying to hook pair of shoes from
| Strasburger, the shoe man on Seventh street
| The shoe man said she was buying a pair OF
| shoes, and when the clerk wasn't looking she
| fixed a pair OF 81 shoes under her clothes aud
started 10 go out and one OF them fell down aud
she was caught She was put behind pile Of
boxes and made TO pull the other shoe out
| tried 10 make IL out that the shoes got tangled
| in her clothes, but the Court laughed and the
| shoe man said she had a hook up there thai
she fastened them on. She got sixty days.
"Who was the other Theft"
| "Julia Taylor, another colored girl. She
robbed her mistress, Mrs. Sarah II, Wayne, OF
1914 Q street, OF two silver goblets, silvel
! mug and lot OF jewelty and SOL In money
Detectives Ran and Block testified to recover
| Ing the property whore tho girl disposed OF
II. She first said preacher jackson rob
bed the house and gave her $50 for watching
for him and letting MIN in when the folks wert
at lunch, but the preacher denied 1t, and SHIT
said she was lying about that. Then She
said she spent all the money but SIG at the
dressmaker's getting silk dress made aud She
threw this down the sewer, but tho cops founc
| II on her person.
"Did they make any defense In the casef"
| "Ohl OF course, she had colored lawyer
and he tried to make the Judge believe tina
the detective scared the girl into confessinl
she stole more than $35 worth, and the cast
went to the grand jury and she went to jail.
Hou haven't said word about assault