Connecticut western news., 1884-07-16
WIT AND WISDOM.

business Is the pleasure of age.
 PEOPLE who go to the mountains In the summer enjoy high living,
 IN July American patriots get full of patriotism, and beer, and so-4th.
 FIGURES may not lie, but they tell awfully bad stories. Soc stock quota tions.
 IsN'T cremating man rather an im- proved way of firing him out of the world2
 CAN you speak of young lady as be- ing brow beaten whom sho has her hair banged2
 FIsH have no vocal organs; they don't need them. Fishermen do all their lying for them.
 SLEEP may knit the ravolled sleove of care, but it absolutely refuses to darn holes in socks.
 A GENTLE wife who knows how to put things in their proper place calls her husband "Firo," because he goca out every night.
 HERB is an old joke revived by Sk. Paul paper: "There is one town in Con- nectcut that will never get the measles. It's Haddam."
 EIoHr dogs will buy a wife in Siberia, but after you have seen a Siberian wo. man you marvel that dogsi should loo 60 cheap.-BtTlington Hasokeye.
 "WHAT is tho name of your cat, sir H'' 'His name was William, said tho host, until he had Ats. Since then we have called him Fitzwilliam."-dnimat Kingdom.
 Ar Central City, Colorado, Sunday, he umpire of baseball match was killed by lightning. 1t is not ofton th,lt an umpire is allowed to die such a pain ess death.-Philadelphia Catk
 Tms is the season of the year when thehonest tramp, energetically searching for work, carefully surveys the back yard, and when he seos a buck-aaw hanging on to the kitchen door iamb. passes on.
 A MAN has just started to walk from Chicago to San Francisco. He was a delegate to the Convention and met an agreeable young man who was a nephew of prominent banker of his town. Paul Herald.
 Fooo says he doosn't believe it pays in the end to get your landlord 10 make extensive repairs. Putting new wood into an old building is like putting new cloth into old raiment Tho rent ia made worse.
 "Boys, don't leave tho farm" No, boys, just take tho farm right along with you when you go anywhere. You will find it handy if you fail to got q situation in the city, as you probably will. .-osn- cirnaf Satitrtay Night.
 Miss GREArrmART was reading the paper one night last woek whom she looked up and said: "Papa, why do they call jokes gags in the theatre 2' Because, my dear, it nearly chokes the actors to get them of, " was the reply.
 TIE richest man in Philadelphia ia e bachelor, worth S20,00O, 900. This should not bo SO. Eithor the richest man in Philadelphia has no right Co bo bachelor, or bachelor has no right to have S20, 900, 900. Norristoton Herald.
 IT is reported that tho wife of a promi- nent New York politician will sue for a divorce. The cause ia not stated, but it is strongly suspected that sho saw her husbands portrait printed in a rural newspaper under the head of ''Men of the Hour"
 MoKEAN BUCHANAN, the actor, onoe delivered a letter of introduction to a manager which described him as an actor of much merit, and concluded: "He plays Virginius, RiCholieu, Ham, let, shylock and poker. He plays poker the best"
 "wHAT do you think of my nous tache ?" asked young man of his girl "Oh, it reminds me of Western from tier city" was the answer. "In what respect, pray2" "Because the survey is large enough, but tho settlers are struggling"
 AN Indian chief, while in Waahing- ton, was taken to sec the burlesque show. After the performance he re- marked, through an interpreter, that the Great Father was yory kind to send the poor Indians blankets when they were 80 much needed at homo.
 MRs. A.-"So you have been Co the circus" Mrs. B.-"Yes." Mm. Al ''Is 1t worth going 10 see4" MrN B- "oh yes, indeed, decidedly" Mru. A "What impressed you s boing the most noteworthy feature of tho exhibi- ton ?" Mrs. B.-"The smell. ."-Bos- ton 7ransoript
 SooRNFuL young ladies who In th funny columns of the newspapers during the past one hundred years have prom ised their sweethearta that they would marry them whom the Washington mon- ument should bo finished arc beginning to look around now for some convenient loopholo of escape. .-Boston Globe.
 TINY were sitting on the sofa In the front parlor and he was holding her little hand in his own. Suddenly . thought seemed to strike her and aho asked sweetly; "Adolphun, are you 'boltor' f' Just then the old gentlomania iootstep sounded on the top stair, and aa he wildly grabbed his hat Adolphua an. swered: "Yos, darling-gocd-bye"
 q HKAR you intcnd to send your two sons to collegep" said Alpha to Omega ''Yes," replied Omega; "I have entered them at k OolleRe." s'Why, gra-