Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-10-31
FUN

''Queer incidents P" echoed a Chicago,
Rock Island and Pacific conductor. ''Y es,
we have few. We meet all sorts of peo-
pie, you know, under all sorts of circum-
stances. Some annoyances 1 should
remark. Only last week little thing
occurred that made me so mad l wanted
to kill somebody. We were running out
from Chicago and we're an hour behind
time. had orders to side track at Seneca
for an esst-bound special, provided 1
could get there by such minute. We
were going fast to make it, when all of
sudden the engineer pulled up out in the
country. I rushed out to see what the
matter was, and we saw farmers boy a
few rods down the track waving an old
red shirt that he'd taken from scarecrow
in the field near by. shouted to him to
come up and tell us what was wrong. He
sided along bashfully, me all the time
yelling to him to tell us why he had stop
ped the train. When he got within about
forty feet of the engine he skipped off the
track and climbed the fence. Then he
turned and said. 'Say, mister, did ye hear
yesterday Me and Jim Jackson has got
bet on it,
There is story told of almost every
doctor of any note in the world, the
amounts varying according to the promi-
IF he 10 10
''Well, doctor, what is my bill?"
s'Let me see. I've been attending you
week, haven't II"
Eyes. sir, just about
"What is your business?"
II am lawyer, s1r.'
"What would you charge me for pro-
fessional services for week."
''Seventy-five dollars, sir"
swell, then. I'll only charge you the
same amount"
A sewing girl who was waiting to pay
the doctor, almost tainted when she heard
this conversation, as she thought she
would surely not get off with SIS.
doctor, came to pay my BILL" she
said, trembling. "but fear am so far
from being able to do it that you will be
angry"
"What do you work at, my girl?'
81 am common seamstress, SIR"
"How much do you make in week."
''Only about seventy-fve cents, SIR"
s'Your bill is seventy-fve cents.''
A THOUGHTFUL FATHER.-"My son."
said thoughtful father with fair bald
head and kind blue eye, Il observe with
feelings of deep regret that you have been
reading 'Bowlegged Jake. or the Road
Agent s Retreat 1t is not good book,
my son, and continued perusal of such
literature may wean you from that path
which leads to success and honorable posi-
tion. 1t would break my poor heart, John
Henry, to have you become road agent
or pirate or burglar for the mere pit
lance that such callings bring to those
who pursue them, when there are such
grand opportunities for youth, energy and
talent in this great country. Lay that
book aside and be patient, my son, and in
time you may be able to steal the entire
capital of a great bank. No self-respecting
and careful young man would adopt the
profession of road agent when by little
time and preparation, he can get to be
president of big bank"
"Oh, mamma, mamma - said little
girl the other day, as she saw chicken
without any feathers in it's tail, ''see dat
ole hen! She has lost thu ribbons out of
her polonaiSe.
Young Hopesby says the worst trait
possessed by his girls father is his prone
ness to misconstrue plain, practical ques-
tions. When he asked for his daughters
hand, tie father gave him his foot.
Fussy old maid (entering baseball
grounds): "Why, what did they all begin
to yell fowl for when 1 came in i? Do
they mean me p" Polite gatekeeper .
"Oh, no, mum. You amt no chicken. -
Angry parent: "My daughter is only
twenty, and she has married man three
times as old as herself" Consollpg
friend: "Well, hang it all, she couldn't
marry one three times as 20 ung as her.
self.''
American tramps will bs pl eased to
learn that the English custom of eating
five meals in day is bein introduced in
this country. The news may not be so
great to the farmer s poultry, however.
A North Carolina girl wears belt
made of the beautiful skin of snake she
killed with her own hands. A fair ex-
change is no robbery. She probably gave
the snake belt over the head when she
killed him.
ST have such cold in my head,'' re-
marked young Podsnap to his friend.
well, there is consolation in that
event. was the reply. "What consola
ton ?'' "Why, there is plenty of room
there for it,
ibid you apply an opprobrious epithet
to him ?'' inquired man yesterday re-
garding another who was wearing his chin
under his ear through little misund er-
standing. ''Oh. no." was the reply. 'He
yel L,