The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-05-08
WIT AND HUMOR.


Philadelphia Call.
Young children are never so delight
ed as when they are the subject of con-
versation. Hence it has been said that
''the child is father of the man."
'Did you reveal your identity?" ask
ed New York politician of one of his
minions. ''Wall, you bet didn't.
just told him who was and it broke
him all up"
''Chair boarders' is the name now ap-
piled to those men who invest the hotel
reading-roOms, getting heat, comfort
able seat and the latest news free, gra-
tbs. for nothing.
Heard on the lake: ''Can that girl
skater" II think not" Then you'd
better escort somebody else" but
what shall do with herP" sOh, just
let her slide"
"Ahr' sighed Brown, ''this life is
full of disappointments." ''Yes." re-
piled FOgg, glancing significantly at
Mrs. f., ''and some disappointments
are full of life."
During series of wet days a gentle
man ventured to congratulate his
umbrella maker. s'Yes that's all very
well, sir" he replied, ''but then there's
nothing whatever doing in parasols"
Rev. George H. Hepworth calculates
that he has made more enemies by tell
ing the truth at funerals than in any
other way. 1t ought to draw crowds
though. Telling the truth at funerals
is great novelty.
Emma Abbott says ''the voice of
prima donna is as delicate as q new
born babe" And the voice of a new
born babe is as delicate as prima
donna. That is TO say. it is very loud.
-Boston Transcript.
In all ages and all countries the
scales have been the emblem of justice.
From this it is painfully evident that
all fellows whose business it is to get
up emDlems have never traded much at
grocery and provision stores.
A Chicago editor says: "To polish
windows, simply breathe on them and
then rub briskly with a napkin" We
wouldn't like to have a Chicago editor
breathe on window belonging to us.
He might break it.-Phfladelphtd Call.
Treat Bismarck" appears in tho New
York World. Don't treat him at all.
Nudge him along to the other end of
the bar. and make him pay for his own
drinks if he wants any Chicago Times.
A Dakota lawyer was recently ar
rested for stealing wood, but such was
the power of his eloquence that he
made the jury believe that he was only
walking in his sleep and thought he
was placing flowers on the grave Of his
first wife.
An Indiana man attempted to COM
NIT suicide because his wife cut off her
bangs. 1t is hoped that this incident
will not deter women from cutting off
their bangs. A man without life looks
better than q woman with bangs.-Nor-
Tistown Herald.
Shaving costs so much, week in and
week out, " said an uptown man to his
wife, ''that have determined to buy a
razor and shave myself. ''If you do
get one, George" pleaded his wife,
s'promise me il shall be q dull one, so
that you won't cut yourself. "
A couple of Vassar girls were found
by q professor fencing with broom
sticks in a gymnasium. He reminded
the young girls that such an accom-
plishment would not aid them in secur-
ing husbands. at will help us keep
them in, ''replied one of the girls.
An influential Canadian journal is
responsible for the statement that when
the Marquis of Landsdowne shakes
hands with friend he bows and smiles.
And here we have been thinking all
along that when he shakes hands with
Q friend he bends himself backward
and howls.
'nstIltEm in parUo means. Young
man." did you ever call TO see your
best girl and have her cruel father
to meet you at the door. and with one
'crushing glance say: "Go" Well, that
is fsnltaDl in pdrUo, and that is about
all you want! --
Cant you find anything to do, Jim?"
asked enc detected looking loafer of
one equally as forlorn. Not at my
trade, " replied Jim, land l dislike to
take anything don't understand"
what is your trade?" excepting flies
off the baby while he sleeps. "-Hoa0ard
Grip. .s..' ... ...
''Now. darling. will you grant me
one favor before gop" "Yes, George,
i will," she said, dropping her eye
lashes and getting her lips in shape.
'''What Is hefayor can grant you?"
'Only little song at the piano, love.
i am afraid there is dog outside
waiting for me, and l want to scare
him away
He was rather soiled and seedy-look.
ing. his nose rcSembled n crimson sun
iset. and when he entered store and
accosted the head of the firm with:
Say, boss, Tn raising fund to bury
my mother-in-,aw; can't you give me n
,liftp" he was Immediately accommo-
dated. He was given n lift that almost
loosened the roots of his hair.
Matthew Arnold thinks that the ma
jority of American women look pale,
unhappy and careworn. Very likely
the majority of the American women
that Matthew saw did look so, and
were every bit ms unhappy and care
worn as they looked. Harassed with
the thought of the dollar they had
squandered, no wonder they looked
pale.
II hear that your brother is given to
somnambulismP" whats that?"
He walks in his sleep" '.Well, that
makes me smile. l guess you don't
know my brother. He is the LATEST
man in Texas. lie wouldn't walk in
his sleep no matter how sound asleep
he was. He is too lazy entirely. L
might not be surprised to hear that he
had ridden in a street-car in his sleep;
but as for his walking that is out of the
question. He doesn't walk when he is
wide awake when he can help it,"
There were nine men in the car and
sfx women: The vehicle was rolling
along with the windows all rattling so
loud that those who were talking had
TO shout. Suddenly the driver checked
up so quickly that all in the vehicle
heard the voice of tall, angular wo-
man way up in the corner exclaiming:
'Now, propose" Immediately
six unmarried men shot for the door,
while the three married ones simultan-
eously remarked: at is useless to pro-
pose to us, madam; we're married. -
Philadelphia Chronicle.
''It's remarkable case" said
n A. l. 4, r. sxia loNt