, 1884-04-13
THE FAT MAN.
He Makes Bitter Complaints of His
Obesity.
Why He is Disguised With the Play
full Oyster.

My Godl what a terrible thing it is t.
f be fat, exclaimed a gentleman of gener
Gus rotundity of figure in one of the city
hotels yesterday. He was seated at q
3 table in the dining room when he made
this heartfelt observation and was putting
like a porpoise in the effort to stretch q
trife beyond arms length for the pepper.
He was a man with full beard, puffy red
checks and bullying eyes and there was a
heavy cushion of fat back of his neck that
looked like a bed bolster.
"Pardner, if l was as thin as you are, "
said the fat man, turning to a cadaverous
individual at his side, I'D give half l
own in this world and gamble on my pros
poets in the next"
As the fat man gulped down some
black coffee he glared around resentfully.
at must be a terrible thing t. be so
stout, mildly interjected a negative look
ing fellow on the fat mans left,
"A terrible thing, said the fat man
forcibly, as if language but feebly ex-
pressed the actual condition of affairs,
well now, l should shout that it was.
Can't anything be done to relieve it?'
inquired the negative looking fellow.
Tried everything, said the tat man,
beginning to take some pleasure in speak
ing of his woes. Why, I've drank
enough patent medicine stuff to swamp a
small-sized town. l was in fortunes. I
visited a celebrated specialist i'll the East
about the matter and he put me on a
course ofdiet. He would not permit me
to eat anything | liked, but anything |
didn't like l could eat in quantities.
First, | was not allowed to eat anything
containing starch or sugar. This knocked
me out of nearly everything that's nice
in cookery. Then he Knocked milk out
ing eggs out, When he finally got
through with the list of eatables there
was scarcely anything left for me but
oysters and vinegar. He added a pc
culiar sort of bread that my wife could
not make to save her soul. ] started in
with the feelings of a martyr, determined
to do or die in the attempt. After a
little while oysters became the sole and
only object of my life. [ thought of
them by day and painfully wrestled with
them by night. Each morning [ weighed
myself. Sometimes | lost several pounds
in twenty-four hours, and then again |
would keep up the same weight for sew.
eral days at a time. | lost on an average
about seven pounds week and at the
end of four months had actu-
ally lost altogether about one hun
dred and fifty pounds. My clothing hung
about me all baggy and [ began to be
ashamed to appear in the streets. These
pants which fit SO nice now, made me look
like a holy terror. Why, you could stow
away a feather bed about me anywhere.
l felt airy and frisky as a y%earling MAYER
lex and wore heavy shoes to keep me down
on the ground. But the oysters, holy
smoke; even the sight of one nearly
throws me into a spasm now. | wouldn't
eat an oyster-no; l would'nt cat an oyster
now for all the cattle brands in Wyoming
territory
The fat man. meal was beginning to get
cold, bot he seemed to pay little heed
to it.
But you seem to be pretty fat yet,
suggested the cadaverous man, who had
become greatly interested in the expe-
rience.
"Oh, yes, - said the fat man sarcastical-
ly, I'm pretty stout yet. After a four
months trial | let up on the oysters and
started to eat something. 1t seemed as if
l was just getting out of the wilderness.
Then | began to take on flesh so rapidly
that | was soon afraid to lay on my back
for fear my breath wouldn't come up out
of my lungs. Why, | believe if l fed my
self on shoe tacks I'd fatten up all the
same. If the Wyoming cattlemen could
get cattle with the same sort Of inclina-
tons, what wealth would be in the bust
ness for them, Every year | grow .tatter
and fatter, and now there's only one conso.
lation left me, and that is that | may sleep
in peace when I'm dead, for I'll be of nC
use to the medical students
The fat man continued to use discrimin.
ating judgment in the selection of his food
for nearly half an hour after his compan.
ions had left the table, and when he final
ly reached the hotel office he was reekinl
with oily perspiration.
Die.