The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-09-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

1nero Is 8Tout oppression ID the
business of making glass bottles. The
business Of emptying them seems to be
carried on as briskly as ever. ia
.Why does Dina get more beaux
than I?" asked the elder sister. II
don't know, unless she is little arch
err" said mamma, with a culver Of her
lips. 4r fa
A Pennsylvania oil king who has
made o fortune in the last three years
q advertising Tor wife. Very proper
ly, he demands that the lady shall be
''refned." 'h 3''" rt1Nti]
It Is q time honored custom in Quin-
cy, Fla, to salute newly-married wo-
man by firing a cannon. This is to re-
mind them that the battle of life has
fairly begun. 1an.l ha
A correspondent says: 1T is won-
derful how many caves have been dis
covered in Tennessee. We would
suggest that the same remark has been
applied to Wall street.-Boston Post.
A hens egg measuring 81 by 81 inch
es has been laid on the table of Geor.
gia editor. He proposes to keep 1t and
let it ripen for the next dramatic COM
bination that comes down that way.
'.First come tho missionaries, then
the Consuls, and then after them the
armies" said King Theodore of Abys-
sinia some years ago to French tray
eler, explaining his adherence of ex-
plorers and missionaries. .'..',.
''You ought to put sign over that
hatchway," said apoliceman to store
keeper. ''or some one may tumble into
it." 'All right" replied the mer-
chant; and he tied one of his "Fall
Opening" cards to the railing.
II Queen Victoria invariably has her ice
cream analysed by chemical expert.
As yet, nothing but pure chalk and wa
ter and corn-starch have been discov-
cred. The Queen lives in hopes Of
striking a trace Of cream sometime. ID
A young man meaning to be very
gallant presented q lady with rose.
saying: Madame allow me to pre-
sent you to one of your sisters"
Judge Of his chagrin when bug
crawled out and sat down in the mid
die of the rose. Wv. .r.,
Twelve-year-old bad boy: isis.
your feller's in a tight place" Sister.
alarmed: why. what do you mean.
Boba" "When l was getting your
race powder in the drug store this noon
l saw him in behind the screen" Sis
ter: ''Shh!--papa will hear" Bad
boy: .,Pa was there. too!'-Birliag-
ton Free Press. t 71gl Du'st.,..
A writer in the Century says it would
take limited express train several
hundred years to reach the sun, and
the fare at the customary rates would
he, over $2,5OO,O0O. That settles it!
We shall never make railroad jour-
ney to the sun. The fare is reasonable
enough, but we couldn't neglect our
business so long. Norristos0n Herald
The following is tho curriculum of
the schools Of journalism: don't
write on but one side of the paper.
Use capital letters when necessary.
Don't make q paragraph only where
one Is needed. Spell proper names
correctly and others as nearly correct
as convenient" BY observing these
rules anyone can become q great jour
nalist. ii-..t .Jal
Old man Petigrew, of Austin, is very
precise in his statements. and is also a
strict constructionist. One morning q
neighbor rushed in on Petigrew while
the latter was eating his breakfast and
on fire" "SirpH "Your house is
burning up" you are wrong SIR"
''Wrongp" Eyes. sir; this is not my
house. I only rent it.''-Ieras Syi-
ings. .,... ',
Boy bowling. His mother gives him
an apple. Don't want that old ap-
pie" he cries. II am glad Of it." the
mother replies, ''for it Is little sisters.
and she'll want it when she wakes up"
Then he wants it. ''Gimmer' he
cries, and he is not satisfied until the
apple is gnawed beyond recognition.
Then he feels better. The majority of
boys do not grow up to be good citi-
zens.-Arkansaw Traveller. 4t
Something lacking. Baker-"Yes,
mum; now put my name on my bread
to prevent my rivals from initiating my
loaves and getting my custom" House
keeper-"A wise precaution. But was
that bread you left hero yesterday gem
uine?" 20. yes, num-" "Then l
would suggest that you add something
besides your name TO the loaves."
Certainly. mum. If you say so. What
is itp" THE date.
A Boylston street dentist was recent
ly asked by one of his lady patients If
he would make q set of false teeth for
her dog. who. being old. had lost his
own. She said she was willing to have
the experiment made on her darling,
whose digestion was now greatly i'm
paired. and that many other people
she knew would be glad to have their
pets absent teeth replaced IL her dogs
set was success. The dentist doclin-
ed to try.-Beacon.
The dude is no longer fashionable.
He Is out of date and far removed from
tho fashionable men of to-day. The
dude was in his glory little less than
two years ago. when the fashion of
wearing abominably tight trousers, va
cant smiles. pointed boots, and silver
headed sticks first started in. For the
first time in the history Of civilization
n fashion was popular which gave mar
row-chested, cadavorous, and spindle