Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
LIME.kILN CLUB.
Lectures on COrns, ChilbIains
and SSiCh.''

/ would respectfully announce" said
Brother Gardner, as the triangle sounded
its closing note, dat de Rt. Hon. Buck
board Scruggs am in de anty-rOOm an de-
siahs to deliber his celebrated lecktur' on
de subjick of CONS, chilblains, an sich
Shall he be admitted an purmitted ?"
Judge Cadaver moved that the lecturer
be invited to speak his piece, and the
motion unanimously prevailed. The COM
mittee was requested to escort him in, and
as he passed up the hall, bowling to the
right and left, he seemed to be a man
about As years old, bald-headed, a mouth
large enough to take in a schO0l-reader,
with a prominent nose and limp to his
left leg. After being introduced he
reached over and drank the pint of cold
tea which Waydown Bebee had brought
down for his individual use, and began:
TELLER NATIVES My objick in arovin
heah at dis pertickler time am to discuss
a matter dat clusly c0nsarHs de hull Guild
race oh dis kentry. De con seems ter be
carniverous, omniverous, an mighty IA
miliar on short notice. 1t lies down wild
de rich, gifts up wild de poo, an stands
right by widout strikin' fur higher wages.
What causes cons? In olden times de
con was supposed to be speshul mark oh
good luck De feller what could show six
or seben OBJ 'em on one heel was made COB
nor OBJ province an allowed to keep half
dozen dogs. De little bunch was said to
contain pearl seventeen carrots fine, an
people went round cryin' an lamentin'
bekase dey had no CONS.
In desc modern days we say dat CONS am
caused by temporary suspenshun oh de
circalashun OBJ de blood, mixed wild more
or less reakshun and abrashun. So fur as
we know de pears found on de inside can't
be used fur fish bait, lam am darfo' dead
loss to de kentry. When you heah anyone
gwine around cryin' you kin bet spotted
calf agin peck OBJ dirt dat dey amt
weepin' fur CONS.
"De chilblain differs slightly from de
CON-" continued the orator, dropping
troche into his mouth. 1T doan' bunch
up an come to head in one pertickler
spot. While CON am satisfied to cotch on
to a toe an hang dar fur month or two,
de chilblain comes purrin' round de heel,
good -natured as an ole cat. 1t kinder
tickels ye fur day or two, an you step
higher an feel like takin' yo' fadder out oh
de poo house But while you am wishin'
you could buy 400 barrels of -four fur 400
widders an orphans dat chilblain
begins to hunt around fur mo- ground.
Arter he kivers yer heel he creeps
ford to de instep, skulks to de
toes, an fust you know you AM huntin'
for a bute-ack and currycomb. He has
come to stay all winter an late into spring.
You can't coax, hire nor scare him away
In olden days de chilblain was suppose to
arise from too much brains in de head. De
man who had 'em was considered sort of
statesman, an people looked
up to his heels as well as his head. In
desc times we know dat de chilblain am
caused by sort of spontaneous emblemat-
ical cOrruscashun of de epidermis at crit
ical period. All dat brains has to do in de
case am to invent cure for de complaint
Il had intended to digress few transla-
shuns on de subject of bunions, bow-legs,
sittin' down on dog. an pickin' up a hot |
cent in front of saloon, but see dat de |
time allowed by your rules am almost dis
pired. Let me add, in conclushun, dat l |
am provided wild box of knives, gimlets, |
pick-axes, acids, pincers, an
razors, togeder wild full supply of salves,
plasters, wax an so foth, an arteI de close |
Of de meetin' shall be pleased to expert
nent on all members free of expense. / |
will now remark Cum soils curanter plu-
,ibus Cicero tremens similibus Gineral
and thank you for your needless
attentions to my unfeeling remarks"