The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1884-05-10
BOB BURDETTE.
His Advice to Those Who Contemplate Pol
itics as a Profession.


Detroit Free Press.
Listen to me- Ben Ibrahim, and may Allah
smooth your path.
My son, if you are going into politics. write
these axions upon your heart with hooks of
steel, as it were:
It is right to steal from the government
If it isn't right it is customary which gives the
practice color of legal right
Do not steal from the government as though
Yo6 we're ashamed of it. Only common pick
pocket is ashamed of his profession. Steal bold
" Plunge your thievish arms into the Golfers
of the government clear up to the elbows. shut
both hands tight, and come away with a full hold
and IA fair deck-load. When you grab, grab as
though you never expected to hold office again.
BE like the lightning, which never strikes twice
IN the same place; because it doesn't need to, be-
cause it never leaves anything to strike at.
Promise everybody everything they ask for
1t is 50 much easier to promise man what he
wants than it is to refuse him and have him tor
ment you with opportunities and poster you for
reasons. Then, when the day for the fulfillment
of the promise comes TO hand, renew the prom
Use Take up one note by giving another. In
the slang of the infde stand him OFF for another
term, and tell him that when you go back again
then you will do all these things for him. And
II it be so that you do not go back, how can you
do anything for hilng And if you do go back,
say to him that you will not buy your place of
any man. What dirt is this he throws upon the
beard of reformerY By the head of the Sultan,
there are hardly enough places for your own
family
In your official career ever practice rigid
economy in all departments and disbursements
out of your immediate reach. Cut off the
appropriation for chewing gum for the orphans
homes, and recommend that the orphans solace
their lrfantile but juvenile jaws with inexpen-
sive but long lasting guilds cut from the heels of
their rubber overshoes The money you thus
saved to the State you can appropriate for the
usual purpose of giving yourself railroad OK
cursion with all the appurtenances thereunto ap
pertaining.
Talk great DEAL but never say anything
And strive to keep what you say from the ears
of the scribe who stitch in the seat of the
spondent, for he hath an evil eye and the point
of his pencil hath the sting of n scor-
pion. He dippeth his pen in gall and
aqua FORTS and-death to his race-it is the
love of his heart to impale on his venomous
quill the honest statesman who is trying to
earn years living in a two-weeks vacation
May Allah break the leg of his camel.
When the band Of thieves to which you belong
is sufficiently unanimous in the theft to cover it
with a joint resolution, by all means resolve. 1t
adds to the sin of the theft the vice af hypocrisy
and the crime of cowardice. Allah is not de
ceived thereby nor are the people fooled, but it
lays another plate of brass over your pachyderm
atous hide and drugs into yet pofounder slumber
your superannuated conscience. By the beard
of the Prophet it would berhard lines for the be-
levers if they had TO believe all that the Shiek
tells them.
If you sought to be clerk in the booth of the
merchants of Filed-el-ffa, you would earn 81 a
day twelve hours work. If you we're a scribe at
the desk of a reporter, you would labor eighteen
hours each day, and your ability would earn for
you about 81 per week. at your real value II
you lourneyed with the caravans of the railroad,
$50 month you would get, and be glad to get
it. You are an average $10-a-week man. But
you go to the Legislature and you can pay your
self out of the treasury of the State, $40 day
for resting. 1t is wonderful. But as you do less
harm while you rest than you are sure TO ae-
eomplish. when you work, it is better for the
State shat you spend all the days of
your term is resting. When yOu bind yourself
to do nothing whatever, you are cheap at $40
minute if you can be got for no less.
Reform is ever good thing before election.
The thrill of the II in pronouneing it is most
readily acquired by closing the left eye at the
moment of uttering the word. This also adds
great emphasis. and deeply intensifes the mean
ing of the word, which is a Latin compound of
res, thing, and formale, to form; that is, to
form and shape things, to fix things. See3 You
donH Then you are no true reformer If you
can't see that Reform Ben Ibrahim, is like an
echo" valve 1t works well-in horn.
Ever be on the defensive, and regard every
constituent your secret foe. Pat him on the
head with one hand, and hold him by the throat
with the other The world of politics is
vast camp SO is the average politician, Ben
lbrahim, you
If you do all this Ben Ihrahm, you will not
be much worse than the Franks and inideis;
you will make for yourself a name and reputa-
ton that your children will be ashamed to re-
member, and, by and by. the people you have
lonely shelf, from whence you will never be
taken down until the hone man comes around
looking for mummies.