News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-12-04
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN TBEIR COLUMNS
TO SMILE OVER.
Giving it Away An UnedIfying Lesson-on
avery Large scale-More than Curi"s-
iIy-DId Not Keep IL, Etc.

DIDN'T KEEP IT.
"Well, Mr.. Slickers. 4" said the doctor,
to patient he had not seen the day be-
fore, chow are you getting along 2
NEARLY starved to death"
"Why, didn't you have oysters =
'No, couldn't get them the way you
said, and was afraid it would be dan
gerous to eat them the other way"
"Why, that's odd. Couldn't get
stewed oysters I told you you could
eat stewed oysters with impunity."
''That's just it. I could get the
stewed oysters easy enough, but sent
to all the restaurants in the neighbor-
hood for the impunity, and the blamed
fools said they never had such thing
on the bill of fare. - Teras SJtiTags.
sHE GAVE 1T AWAY.
He took her hand in his and poured
into her ear the soft, sweet story told
over and over again since the world was
young. She smiled into his trusting
face and coddled under his downy chin.
ST love you So" he gurgled.
'Do your" she murmured. "Then I
will remain so ?"
''Do you love me? he inquired.
'sDon't ask me conundrums," she re-
piled.
'sBut love you, darling" he went
on, "and I've given you my whole heart.
/ have kept none of it back. 1t is all
yours-all yours"
"Mine to do just what I please with ?"
she asked, in the sweet simplicity Of girl
womanhood.
Eyes, darling"
'Then 1 shall give it to Mary Martin.
She wants it, know, and I haven't any
use for yours and Bob Browns, too, and
Bob gave me his last night. You are
too Iate."
He had discovered that he was.--
Cincinnati Traveller.
AN UNEDIFYING LESSON.
They were young and romantic, and
although the minute hand was pointing
to twelve o'clock they stood upon the
porch gazing at the stars.
"That's Jupiter, dear, isn't it = she
murmured,
Eyes, pet, and that is Sirius" he re-
piled, pointing to another star.
"Are you Sirius ?" she cooed.
He kissed her several times. Then he
pointed upward and said:
"That's Mars, dove"
"And that's pa's," she whispered, as
a footstep sounded inside, and if the
young man hadn't scooted he would
have seen more stars than he ever
dreamed Of Her pa wears 123 with
brass toe.- Washington Hatclet.
DO IT ON A LARGE SCALE.
! Old Gents Stop? Stop Do you
know what you are doing?'
Seedy Stranger-"Yes, sir; but can't
help it, sir. I was about to steal a LOAF
of bread. am starving, sir"
'.No matter. Don't you know that II
YOU should steal a loaf of bread you
would be imprisoned p
Eyes, know that; but what can L do,
sir? I must live"
"Well, if you will steal take the
whole bakery. and then you can COM
promise with the proprietor. "-PhtI
Call. -
A New York Judge was annoyed by
the coughing of a person in the court,
and after demonstrating several times IN
| vain, exclaimed, ST am bound to stop
| that coughing. I'll fine you $40. L
think that will stop it" "Jedge," said
the cadaverous man who had caused the
trouble, stI'll be willin' to pay $50 tc
hev that cough stopped. Eff you ker
stop it for $40 you'd better git dowr
often that bench and go to practicin
medicine. There's money it, Jedge-
money in il"
LOVE IN QUEBEC.
'Whose little embezzer is 90"
sPse oose little embezzler. life.
ANTE-NUPrIAL HINT.
Eulalia (sentimentally)-Oh, mol I
have no desire for great wealth. I
should be happy, very happy, as the
wife of noble bread-winner.
George (practically)-And 1 should
be happy, very happy, as the husband
of good bread maker.
She concluded to learn.-Philadel-
phia call.
MORE THAN A CURIOSITY.
"What is q curiosity, map" asked lit
tie Jamie.
"a curiosity is something that is very
strange, my son."
"If pa bought you seaskin sack this
winter, would that be curiosity ?"
'No, my son; that would be mir
acle. y Graphic.
THE COW.
pine, said the COW, for the days gone by,
For the maid, with the milking pail;
NY office is gone, and I'm left to sigh;
And my moan fills the evening gale.
No more in the dairy the maid is found,
To take pride in the cream tureen;
No more in the fields, viii we browse around,
Oh, oleomargarine.
-Terds Sifttngs.