Morris tribune., 1884-12-31

over letter)-Ihls is better. She ad-
dresses me as "You dear, darling
duck" My first wife used to address
me as THAT nasty old quack."
A refreshment bar on certain rail-
way is kept by n veteran baker. A
sprightly young traveller complained of
one of his pies the other day. The old
man became angry. young man."
he said severely, II made pies before
Won were born" YES" responded
the traveller, II fancy this must be one
of those pies"
An enterprising Vermont man has
his house and store connected by tele-
phone. The other day, during a storm.
the lightning entered the store by the
wire while the proprietor was talking
to his wife about when he would be
home to his dinner. AS he recovered
his consciousness the first words he
spoke were: "All right, Marian, don't
hit me again; I'll do just as you say
Nep York Graphic.
A Young man who believes in self
Improvement having recently married
suggested to his wife that they should
argue some question frankly and fully
every morning, in order to learn more
of each other. The first question hap
pened to be whether a woman could
be expected to get along without a
hat" and he took tho affirmative. and
when he was last seen he had climbed
up o hayloft and was pulling the ladder
after him.
| When General B. F. Butler was
vounp man two girls, dwelling in the
same boarding house, were simultane-
ously in love with him. Both ladies
were sitting in the parlor one evening
and Ben was making violent love to
one of them, much to the chagrin OF
the other, who founced to the piano
and sang 'Rock of Ages at the top
of her voice, laying particular stress
on the line, ''Simply to thy cross-eye
cling. life.
Mr.. Isaac Came, a rich shoemaker OF
Liverpool. who left his property to pub
lie charities, opened his first shop op-
posite the building where he had been
servant, and put up sign which
read: Il Came-from over the way.
Somewhat like this was the sign OF q
tayern-keeper named Danger, near
cambridge, who, having been driven
out of his house, built another oppo-
site, and inscribed on it, danger from
over the way" The successor then re-
torted by putting up new inscription,
''There is no danger here now."
A belle at Long Branch went down
to the beach to take bath the other
day, and after entering a bathing
booth, kept her male escort waiting
half an hour. 1T was too provoking
for anything" she explained when she
reappeared. Il dropped my new
bathing suit down a knot-hole and
have been al this time fishing it up
with a piece of string and hair-pin."
'.Humph," said her escort, are 20
sure you rescued all of it?"-Norrts
toaO7a Herald.
when Jennie Meets Me at the
, Gate" is the title and burden of new
song. If the night is clear, When the
:. Stars are Twink1ing, Love, keep your
, weather eye out for the old man, say
; about the time Our Grandfather's clock
:, strikes 10, for he may be Coming Thro'
, the Rye from the village store with
Towser; in which case you had better
, get Over the Garden wall, while she
goes in and Pulls Down the Blinds to
make her pa believe she said her little
a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep at 9
r O. clock.-Peck's Sun.
f They have story of bald-headed
chemist at Nice. Into his shop came a
a lady with pretty little boy. Present.
ly came another lady, who smiled at
the pretty little boy. The chemist
. came in front of his counter and leaned
!, over box to get some articles which
- Lady No. 1 had ordered. Lady No. z
. had been looking about and had not
, seen the chemist leave the counter.
= She thought she would kiss the pretty
little boy. She leaned down and kissed
chemists bald head. She was
! disguised, and the chemist frightened,
!. the little boy delighted, and lady No.
! not knowing what to say, gazed silent
ly out of the door.
o was introduced to a gray-haired
Q salt in that quaint cavern, and the
captain who presented me said, with a
complimentary accent: HE has seen
service though" The man hitched up
one side of his mouth as he smiled at
J me, and he spoke with deprecating
, halt, as if he didn't like to take up any
of the time He was gnarled speci'
men, deformed and mutilated in the
face, head, arm and leg. ''You have
; evidently been out in heavy blow,
7 SIR" remarked to him. SCOT ketch-
I ed in whales mouth, that's ALL" he
I I said. ''He spit me out, though, after
l he'd chaw'd me up!" He was upcons
scious when he was picked up.-Na's.
: | tqlcEet Letter, in Detroit Post.
. During noted Kentucky campaign
. one day, while the confederate army
t was passing through Allen county,
y General Breckenridge, approaching
Il General Hindman, said: 1--WE are on
> ~ short distance now from Bear
> Waller, and are not very far from Jim
] town." The solemnity of his manner
: attracted Hindman's serious attention,
I and, regarding Breckenridge with a
long look of inquiry, he asked: ':But,
/ general, why does our nearness to
those places so concern your" ''Well,
you see," Breckenridge replied, II fear
. it will be my fate to be killed in an &C.
:, ton at Jimtown or Bear Waller. Bear
- Waller" he repeated, ''the thought OF
} being killed in place bearing such q
- name makes nae sick, "
: A gentleman just from the South re,
l ports the following: On one of the
: Southern railroads there is station
. called Sawyer" Lately a newly.
: married couple boarded the train and
I were very loving, indeed. The brake
a man noticed the gushing groom kiss
the bride about 200 times. but main
t tanned a serene quiet. Finally the sta
v ton in question was reached, and just
t after the whistle sounded the groom
t gave the bride rousing smack on the
, lips, and the brakeman opened the
? door and shouted: Sawyer" Saw.
. yer?'' whats that?" responded the
i groom, looking over his shoulder at
, The brakeman. Sawyer! Sawyerr
r s'Well, don't care if you did; she's
= my wife!" -Merchant Traveller.
: Fame and fortune await the discov-
' erer of an efficient method of so con-
Al 4 Is 49, >>1@sA .y.A