The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-02-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

mightier than the sword.
Il is said that the peculiar sunsets are
caused by the sun trying to set by the
new standard time.
It Is one of the inconsistencies of life
that we throw bouquets at the soprano,
and boot-jacks at the tom cat. :.
The man who prepares patent Of
fee report must be immensely cheered
while at work by the thought that no.
body could be hired read the thing.
Boston Post.
A Pennsylvania editor makes this
confession: 1t makes red-nosed man
mad to have the agent at the box Office
say, "You want seat near the door,
Of coursep"
"You are always asking to borrow
our can-opener," said one little girl to
another, living next door. "Well,"
was the mischievous reply, 'you don't
suppose ask to borrow your can't
opener, do youP"
us your sister at homer" asked the
gallant. "Shc is in the house." re-
piled the juvenile brother. 'Well,
tell her IA gentleman wishes to see
her." Where is hep" rejoined the
impairment youngster, and disap-
peared.
We have found it at last. Cryptic
coccuszanthogenicus Is what causes
yellow fever. No wonder the blamed
thing was so long in being discovered.
Now let the doctors hit it with brick
and knock its head clear over into next
week.
A man who comes around every few
minutes begging for a match is rather
q nuisance, but when he slides into
crowd and asks: '.Is there any man
here who is mean enough to refuse me
q matchP" there's nothing to do but
to hand over one at once.-Boston Post.
A big box out on the sidewalk of one
of our principal streets attracted
good deal of attention the other day.
1t was marked Twenty gals, and the
boys wanted to break it open and see
whether it was female seminary or
refreshments for the crowd.
It Is said that when the Zulus wish
to express surprise mingled with admir-
alton they quietly say, II was only
born to-day" When young ladies in
this country want to excite surprise
mingled with admiration they quietly
say, 81 was born only sixteen years
ago."
The only way that a man in Ogden,
u. T., was able to live with his wife at
all who was q scold, was to let loose in
the room where she was when her
temper got the better of her, one of the
rats that he kept on purpose for silenc-
ing her. Finally, after ten years of
this life, he sued for divorce.
Johnny came home from school the
other day very much excited. What
do you think, pa? Joe Stewart, one of
the big boys, had an argument with
the teacher about question in gram
mar" "What position did Joe takeP"
His last position was across a chair,
face down."
Young Yeast declares that he has
been importuning his clearinghouse
mistress for the past six months to
have q pitcher of ice-water placed in
his room, but it was not until the first
cold snap that she accommodated him.
Now he says he finds it on his wash
stand every morning. Yonkers States
man.
j. r. Randall tells the story of
black soldier who ran away at MUIR
freesboro battle. and was asked il he
thought any one would have missed
him had he been killed. NO" he re-
piled, .rhey don't miss white men,
much less niggers; but l would have
missed myself, and that's the pint with
me-"
CO., IL.
women carry their purses to Illustrate
the thievesP" Why, carry them empty.
Nothing illustrates thief more than to
snatch woman's purse, after follow
ing her half a mile, and then find that
1t contains nothing but recipe for
spiced peaches and faded photograph
Of her grandmother.
81 have a cold. too" replied the au-
burn Crimsonbeak, "but it is in my
head. Whenever get a cold it always
seems to affect my head" Eyes, that's
just what my doctor told me-" rejoined
the philanthropist, catching up his
scuttle and starting for the house.
whenever a person catches cold 1t is
sure to affect the weakest spot."-
Yosskers Statesman.
Emily Faithful, the English philan-
thropist says she is satisfied that
American women have pretty good
time of it, 1t IL barely possible that
when Emily saw the daughter loung-
ing in the parlor reading the latest
novel, she was not aware that the
mother was in the kitchen frying
slap-jacks for supper.-Nor1istoson
Herald.
Here is a fair sample of the small
boys diary, as given by an exchanges.
Got up and washed me-had break
fast--slid down hill-had dinner-slid
down hill-had fight with Willie
Smith-we won't speak any more
wore hole in the toe of my new boot,
steering my new sled-eat supper-pa
spanked me about the boot-went to
bed-bully good day."
There was young man out in Ari-
zona who once declined pressing in