, 1884-05-28
THE WEALTH OF WOE
Bill Nye's Soul Has wrestled with,
Yet Is Not Unhinged.
The wOod-Engraver Hampers with
the Sacred ~LIncaments of the
HumorIsrs CounIennnce
Victory at Last.


lIDlAl NY III L uIhsl
No man knows how much the human heart
can endure and yet not burst until no has
seen his portrait published q few times.
Then he realizes the wealth of woe that one
soul may wrestle with, and yet not become
Mining and loosol from its frail tenement
OF clay. Men go on, year after year, gaining
the esteem of their felIow-men by an upright
course, only to lose it all by forgetting them
selves ut an unfortunate and weak moment.
and permit their portraits to be published
and their shame proclaimed upon the house
tops.
Some years ago.an alleged engraving was
made from one of my photographs, but the
proof was sent to me in time, so that l could
by telegraph prevent its publication.
In that portrait the wood-engraver had
taken tho liberty to tamper with the face,
and putin little improvements here and there
according to his own ideas of beauty.
Among the rest, l remember that he had
unscrewed the lower jaw and let it fall
down about an inch, so that the face had the
expression of n vacant lot in the early spring.
You pull any mans lower jaw loose and
lay 1t ON his heaving breast, and then turn
his eyes up toward the s~tar-studded sky,
and he seems to lack force of character,
somehow.
So 1 wired the house to "kill" that portrait,
and bury it with the engraver when the vic,
lets bloomed.
Then another engraver took his life and
his cold-chisel in his hand, and blocked out u
second one. He thought | might be %sensitiv
about my late front hair, so he put some OIL
in tho engraving without additional charge.
1t looked like the bunch of grass that springs
up around an old buffalo bulls skull.
do not care to wear improvised hair even
in nn engraving. l am not proud. If nature
intended that my Scandinavian hair should
fall early in the fight, l cannot help it. /
cannot ask the engraver to help me out.
This portrait was averted by tho use Of
electricity, and the widow of the engraver
was asked TO send her bill in to me for ad-
justmeut.
Later on another engrnver took hold of
the matter.
He went at it hopefully and even hilari-
ously, singing anon us he put his sheet iron
shade over his eyes, and adjusted his boiler
iron corset, That he might be ready in case l
should come in on him while he was at
work.
He made a speciality Of the Adams apple.
He made a portrait that wasn't so terrific
If he hadn't thrown in an intellectual waste
of Adams apple that would inspire Il giraffe
with awe.
He fooled along with the engraving until
time to go to press, HANDED it in with his
resignation, got n copy OF the paper so as to
be sure th2t he had lone his horrible work
well, and then went to interior Africa to
make n home.
For n long time after the paper was pub
lished my wife would not recognize me on
the street, and the children were bathed in
tears. l suffered a great deal mentally, but
resolved to live it down, and to aid me in
this great undertaking u friend offered to
publish n fine hfe-like engraving that would
bo certified to rs accurate, and all former
ones denounced as base infringements.
Iagreed to it, and he went at it.
After a good deal of delay he sent me u
proof which bore a striking resemblance to
me. admitted to him that it favored me,
and we decided to let it go forth with my
name ATTACHED to it.
Gayly the press went on with its low rum
BILE and grumble, grinding out its thousands
of copies of papers, heralding to the English
speaking world that the subscriber wore his
brains open to the inclement weather, and
pulled his scalp down over his eye to be face
tious.
The first copy of the paper was a good one.
and the portrait doomed up like the Turkish
towel mustache of the young man, but the
next revolution of the press disturbed an EN-
quad or a loose cannrd or something about
the makeup OF tho paper, and in the onward
march of the machine the whole top of my
head was removed and piled up over the Off
eye like n study in olive-green or navy-blue
after an election fight.
Still, we arc getting a better class of en-
gravers than we had five years ago. 1t
seemed pretty harsh to kill off the bad ones,
but am willing to make most any sacrifice
for the Advancement of art.