South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1884-01-18
wiT AND laU NOE.

$3.50 e~&soS ~ O1o(t Nv 8stOU
Tic other day while her mother was
making some Old fashioned craiicrs
"fsrs 10 me- she exclaimed, ..hey'd
go down easier II you dldn'. tsnsle 'em
In such awful knots.
La Dir. Spurgson's fund OF illustrative
stories is one Of man who used 10 say
TO bis vie: 'Mary 60 to church and
pray for Us both But tue mat dream.
cd one night sha, when he 60, to the
gate ofheavcn. Peter sai..: MARY 20
in for both He awoks sni made up
his mind that it was time for him TO
become Christian on his own account.
Dir. S. c. Hall, in his .Recol lec,io,s
OF Long .-ife." has the following anec.
dote, which he says was told him by Mr..
Rsfiies, the stipendisry magistrate at
Liverpool:
Paddy Malowney was brought b. fore
him and ordered to pay FIVE sLiliinps
for being drunk and disorderly. PAY
five shillings for being drunk = he ex
claimed. "Och! niver a FIVE shilliurs
yen get out of ne p very WE'LL said
the magistrate; take him to prison for
seven days. SIS it take me TO prison
barring l pay the FIVE sliiilings p de-
liberately counting them one by one,
and he said, There they are, yer wor.
ship, and now I'll trouble We Tor the re.
sate.' Oh! We never give receipts here.
Och! niver abit O me ill paw
the money withou; a resate,' lie answer
ell, as he gathered the shiIings ogether.
But as he was about to be removed by
the tipstsR, he took vii in his anger,
restored them, and was about to with.
draw, when the magistrate said, Now,
my man, tell me what you want of a
receipt-what' your motive Cor seeking
one? Well, I'll tell yer worship an
swered Paddy 'Ye sec yer worship
when J go to tafe NEE trial there'll be
81. Peter there and he'll say 10 me.
Paddy Maiowney,' he'll say, swe'fe glad
to see ye, and we're going TO let ye in
but before we do sc mus, ak few ques-
tons: tir.t, while ye were on earth did
Sc pay all yer debts? and III say, every
one OF 'em. yer holiness. every onc.'
And he'll say, Well, if ye paid .hem all
where arc youc resates p and FL say, Il
have 'en all here, yer holiness, Ia NEE
big coat pocket. every one. barring one
And he'll say to me, Paddy Malowney,
ye must go and get us that one, for we
can't let ye in wiout it, and a mighty
inconvanient thing iL'ud he to NEE, yer
worship, TO be going down below, look
ing for yer worship to get. nc resate.'
A SHARP WITNESS. During a recent
trial the following occurred, VARYING the
monotony OF the proceedings. Among
the Witnesses was one as verdant speci-
mel Of humanity as one would wish to
meet with. After severe cross.cxsmi.
nation, the counsel for the government
paused; and then, putting on look OF
severity, and an ominous shake OF tie
head exclaimed.
Mr.. Witness has not an effort been
made to induce you to tell d different
story!'
"A different story from villa. have
told, si7 p
That is what | meau.'
Yes, sir several persons have tried
TO get me 10 tel! different story from
what have tole, bu. they couidu't2'
Now, sir, upon your oath wish to
know who those persons are
'Waa', l guess you've tried bout as
hard as any OF EN-
The witness was dismissed while
judge, jury and spectators INDUCED in
hearty laugh.
Alice said Mrs. PeIulia in n subdu-
ed tone 10 her little girl one evening q.
supper You must eat bread with your
JAM Bot, mamma proteste ed Alice
it's plenty good enough without bread
a gentleman once asked little girl,
an only child, how maDy sisters she had
and was told three or four Her mother
asked Mary when they were alone what
induced her to tell such an untru,h.
Why, mamno, cried Mary, Il don't
want him to think that you were so poor
you hadn't but one child. Wo;ld'nt he
thought we were drefrul poor?'
A wag said 10 one OF bis friends Ia the
most solemn manner: If my employer
does not take back what lie said to me
this morning shall leave his house
Why, What did he say p 'IIo told me
that ! could look for another placer