Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1884-03-07

Mr.. Robert Laird Collier condemns the un
natural growth of humor in the American
press, and says the people here are too funny
to be patriotic. Mr.. Collier evidently has not
read the American humorous papers. II there
is anything that will make people serious it
ia the melancholy efforts at wit of the average
funny writer Of the day. -SdUanndh Neios.
There are several towns in this country
called Bismarck, and it is proposed to change
their names TO Lasker. But to our thinking
this wouldn't be wise unless it was done to
conciliate the Chancellor. To keep his name
associated with these towns is about as gaudy
a slur as could be put upon the old man.
Boston Post.
"What does the word pedigree mean,
John?" ut means descent. "Write a
sentence on the board containing that word. "
John went up and chalked off the following {:
"We pedigreed down the hill. ."-Hdrper's Ba-
gar.
About month ago Tom Keene performed
in Austin as Richard tie III. Among the au-
dience were several members of the Texas
Legislature When Richard exclaimed: "a
horse horse My kingdom for horse, "
the Solons nudged each other and whispered:
"That's an old joke. I've heard that one be-
fore. SJtings.
CAN this hard wood you export, the Eng
li5h tourist asked the Indiana lumberman,
'all this maple and beech, you know, where
does it go?" And the man told him that
most of it went direct TO Scotland where i.
was worked up into boxes and churns and
paper folders from the rafters of Burns 8
cottage aud the home of Sir Walter Scott.
And the tourist said "Haw." and wrote some
thing in his notebook. Habkeye.
Mrs Daintywel one of the neatest and
most particular" of women, would always
say to her husband when he was objecting to
the clean shirt which she insisted upon lay
ing out for him every morning: "Just reflect,
Tom What if you should meet with an sc-
cident, be run over by stage on Broadway,
or something of that kind, and people should
find you had on a shirt you had worn for a
week l should die of modification" One
day Mr.. Daintywell really met with the pre-
dicted accident, and was brought home on q
convenient shutter. His wife rushed to the
door when she saw him coming, her face so
pale that her husband who was fully con
scious, feared that she was going to faint
"Cheer up, my dear" he cried. 81 stepped
into an unsupported hatchway, and had quite
a fall; but don't worry-I had on a clear
shirtl" 1t is needless to say that this quite
restored her composure. .-Hdrper's BdzdT.
Said a railroad magnate: "Times are get
ting close, and 1 must economize." mot il
your living, 1 trust ?" queried a friend. "At
no." replied the large shareholder; mot il
my living, but in the living of my employees.
Chicago Egening Journal.
The Jeanette experience should suggest Il
Arctic explorers the propriety hereafter o.
taking their cofins with them. - Chicdgt
Times.
Lambkin says the only sure preventive
against western rivers rising would be for hin
to own few shares in 'em.-B0st0R CONNER
cidl Bulletin.
Vermont man has a hen 80 years old
The other day hawk stole it, but after al
hour came back with broken bill and three
claws gone, put down the hen and took an oil
rubber boot in place of it.-BOStOn Post.
Chicago newspapers use a good deal o
space and ink informing the world that Mrs
Sarah Monroe of their city, now 9i years old
used TO sit in George Wsshingtons lap. AnC
we are glad to hear it there is great comfor
in the thought that somebody in Chicago ha
been near man who couldn't tell lie. --SpT
Republican.
"Where would we be without woman ?
asks q writer. We would be all right; bu
the little pug dog-where would it be 2-N
| Y. Graphic.
An exchange says that Noah was the frs
pitcher on record. He "pitched the ark with
in and without" The game was finally calle
on account of the rain.
Wordsworth" said Charles Lamb, ION
day told me he considered Shakspere great
over-rated There is an immensity of tricl
in all Shakspere wrote, he said, and peopl
are taken by it. Now, if 1 had mind,
could write exactly like Shakspere.' So yo
see," proceeded Lamb, quietly, ''it was onl
the mind that was wanting"
There is an old man in Clay county, n O.
who has borne through 80 years the burde
of the name of Alexander Gumbleton Ruffi'
ton Scuffieton Oberda Whittleton Southenha
Benjamin Franklin Squires. He has nevt
died, because he has never yet felt fully abb
to bear the expense of silver coffin plate.
Why is a washerwoman like a navigator
Because she spreads her sheets, crosses tn
line, and goes from pole to pole
Shortly after the marriage of King VictC
Emanuel he met peasant girl upon the steI
of the royal palace at Turin. She was brinl
ing basket of eggs for the royal kitchen
and because the king wore plain huntin
dress and was alone, she took him for a se
want. 'Do point out the king to me, sh
begged 81 should 80 like to see him" .
am the king" he said. ''Eh bah !" sal
the girl, laughing in his face "the princes
would not have chosen such an ugly man.
The king laughed, too, and accompanied II
girl to the kitchen, where he bade the se
wants testify to his identity. He then CAV
the girl 20.franc piece, and left her bewi
dered and surprised.