Connecticut western news., 1884-06-04
WIT AND WISDOM.

loses soap"
 THE chestnut is for the man who akcs it's shell on.
 THE man without future-a busted stock broker.
 A PAIR of red drawers-a yoko of sorrel oxen.
 A LrrLE girl calls her good father 'par excellence.
 IF bad temper were fever there wouldn't be hospitals enough to hold us all.
 Ir is a poor sort of business to waste your breath whistling for yesterdays breeze.
 Tun immortal saying. "rherc's always room at the top" was invented by hos tel clerk.
 A SCIENTIST asserts that a boe eau only sting onco in two minutes. This is oi- ten enough.
 ONE of tho hardest things to accom- plish is to awakenn man in a railroad car who is occupying two seats.
 CHFERFubNEss is not proof that tho mind is at ease, for often in the midst of laughter the heart is sad.
 To woman's eyes there is always an atmosphere of youth left about man who has once made love to her.
 TnE world is hard enough, God knows, without one shutting oue's mouth tho day it rains oom(its.
 MnS make themselves ridiculous not so much by the qualities they have as by the affectation of those they have not,
 PLUTO being told that he had an enc. my who spoke ill of him, said, 'T will live in such manner that none will be- lieve him"
 A BALTIMORE swell went to fancy dress ball as n donkey, md his friends say it is tho first time he ever failed 10 make an ass of himself.
 ANOTHER mans admiration is a back ground against which many an ordinary woman has shone, clad in unaccustomod graces to her loyer's eyes.
 GLANDS are measured in rods, leagues and so forth, " said the teacher. 'Now, what is a surveyor2" "A land leaguor," shouted one of the boys.
 A HousEKEErER asks ''What is the simplest way to keep jolly from molding on top2" "Shut a small boy up in the pantry for a few minutes"
 "MERcY on me what arc those hor- rible sounds npstairs2" "oh, Chat ia nothing but dear George. suppose he has lost his collarstud again.
 "wmu the coming man be happier2" asks a writer. It depends 10 a great ox- tent upon whether his wife hns got iirod and gone to sleep or is still waiting up for him.
 "DooroR, do you think smoking is hurtful2" "Why, Of course; look at the chimneys. They make business of the thing and yet it's those that smoke the least that do the best"
 Do YouR shnd come from the Hudson or the Delaware ?" nBked an impatient guest of the head waiter. "Tm sure I don't know, but m ask the stow. ard, if you would like Co know "Do, for I want to find out where my waiter has gone fishing"
 IT seems q little bit strange that man will sit in his parlor surrounded by books, and spend his time looking at pictures Of scenery through a sterco- scope, when he spends his time on tho cars reading, instead of looking at pre-. cisely the same kind of landscape all around him. -Ptok.
 LAW Professor-"Whst constitutes burglary ?" Student-"Thcro must Do a breaking" proiessor-"If man, then, enters a door and takes dollar from your yest.pocket in tho hall, would that be burglary2" Student-"Yes, sir because that would break me-"
 A NEW French company is going to insure against lack of work. It's busi- ness ought to be as successtul as that of tho old woman who bought eggs at a shilling a dozen and sold them for ono cent each. Tho margin of profit wna small, but she did m immense amount of business. -Phila, CaR.
 Ir is only fool who would expect the wind to be always blowing from tho same point Of compass. Aud n real sorrow-an old sorrow-I'yo known it to act like a ballast. Its heavy, aye. but it trims the boat There's many man wouldn't sail SO straight it thero wasn't somo dead weight O that sort at his heart to steady him.
 A PHYSICIAN, passing n stonemason'a shop, bawled ont "Good morning, Mir. D. Hard. at work, I sec. You finish your gravestonos as far as Tn the mem- ory of md then wait, I suppose, to soo who wants monument next" "Waal, yes," replied the old man, "unlsss some body's sick and you're dcctoring him, and then I keep right on"
 A FRIEND of q merchant, whose son has recently returned from his studies at New York business college, was asking the old man if the boy had improved his opportunities. "I should say that Dc had. He can initiate anybody's hand- writing, and he is go expert at figures that I nm afraid to let him touch the books"
 "wHEnE is My Boy Tonight G' is tho title of late song. Well, that is a conundrum. He may be holding down one of the seats in the park with a modest little damsel by his side, or per haps if he stands in with her paternd ancestor he may be found on the sofa in the parlor of her residence. Don't