The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1884-08-01

The Napa Soda Springs Hotel in Cali
fornia is eight hundred and sixty feet
two and quarter inches high. and
twenty-seven blocks long. the entire
front being Of Italian marble, nickls.
plated. The flagstaff can only be seen
ON q clear day, and the other night the
moon ran into it during fog and broke
off the the weathercock. Its buildings
weight when full, is cighty-two mil
lions and four tons, and when the land
lord, the genial Mr.. Luke Kelly, is also
full, the foundations sink an inch a day.
The recent supposed earthquake shocks
were merely caused by the friction of
She eighty-six Otis elevators running the
guests down to dinner, or rather taking
them up afterward, when the weight Is
increased about one-third. There are
ninety-two stories, without counting
those told BY the Office-clerk about trout
fishing, the windows on the top floor
being of smoked glass, through which
can be seen the Rocky Mountains on one
hand. while on the other can be deserted
the restless glory of the changing Pacific.
By the aid of a ninety-siN-foot tele-
scope the Tropic Fruit Laxative, adver-
tisement can be seen painted across the
Mamma Loa volcano at Hawaii. while
arrangements are being made for ele-
waiting the Bridal Vail Falls in Yosemite
about six hundred feet, SO rs to be rem
dered visible to the naked eye. Among
other novelties, the roof is furnished
with a race-track and base ball and
croouet grounds. etc. The bed rooms
of this superb caravansary are twenty
seven thousand three hundred and six
in number, each seventy by ninety
and each containing twenty-siN cup
boards, all the latter superbly fur
nished with two-gallon demiJohn OF
the best Old Stag whisky for nocturnal
medicinal use. The furniture is com
posed exclusively OF step-mother OF.
pearl, and the beds are constructed OF
watch springs and stuffed with Lum-
mingbirds' wings at hundred and SIX
teen dollars short pound. In the CEN
ter of each pillow is q silver tube
through which cocktails can be ordered
from the bar at all hours in the morn
ing.
TO describe at length the endless re-
sources of the cuisine French for grub),
would exhaust the vocabulary of a
Hugo and even give first-class Cali
iornia street auctioneer the lock-law.
Suffice it to say the hair in the butter
will be tastefully crimped. In order to
inculcate patriotic love for the Ameri-
can dried-apple pie, every tenth one
will contain an order for a Steinway
piano or reversible ulster. The dishes
will all be of solid gold. and slung at
the guests by superbly-dressed walters,
who will be compelled to wear red ties
in order to distinguish them from the
boarders. They will also be mounted
on silver-plated bicycles to insure speed;
A celebrated magician has been engaged
as hat-taker. and will produce rabbit
and hoop-skirt from each hat as the
guests pass out. Very young ladies
will be provided with taffy by the office
clerks, while the married ladies will be
pleased to know that New York actor
of the worst reputation has been Sc
cured to wink at them in the dining
room, and that arrangements have been
made by which pretty actress will be
fired out" of the house once week.
in order to afford ample material for
conversation. Derrick Dodd, TN "Suna-
ner Saunterinqs."