Connecticut western news., 1884-09-24
WIT AND WISDOM.


 A GREEN backer-T The fellow who bots on the wrong horse.
 lF Maud s wants to lowor her record she should run for an office.
 A MAN with cold in his head ia ikea waterfall--he is catarrh.raoked.
 Tm Boston girl never sncezoa. She simply indulges in sternutation.
 TIE emigration of bank cashiers to Canada looks like an ex-owed.us.
 ENo says he will reside in Canada permanently. Enos where he ia well ofl.
 ALTHOUGH whisky comes from the still, it makes some individuals awful noisy.
 How CAN we expect another to keep a secret when it is more than we can do ourselves2 2
 SoHoLARs are frequently to be met with who are ignorant of nothing save their own ignorance.
 HE that, to tho best of his power, has secured the final stake, has perennial fountain of joy within him
 GENIUS is only entitled to respect when it promotes the peace and im- proves the happiness of mankind.
 DE pusson what nober hated nobody ain't apt ter Tub nobody. Warm water ain't good ter scald wid nor ter quench thirst.
 WHEN an officer is dismissed from the army he is said to be cashiered. Whom cashier is dismissed from bank he ia generally ofiicered.
 HERE is n seeming inoongruity Man can by no possibility become female clerks, but there ia nothing to prevent women becoming mail clerks
 THERE is key that will open every lock, if we know how to get ii; and, so with life, there is right path for every one if they will only search Co find it.
 TuE memory ought to be store room; many turn theirs, rather, to a lumbor.room. Even stores grow moldy, and spoil, unless aired and used betimca, and then they, too, become lumber.
 "ConoNEr," !" said man who wanted to make out . genealogical tree, Colonel. how can I become thoroughly ao- quainted with my family history 2" Simply by running for President, an swered the colonel.
 "IT rather destroys farmers faith In humanity when he has stopped putting Paris green on the potato vines Co find the potato bugs Hooking around tho house hunting for the pail in which he keeps it," says the Boston Post.
 IT is somewhat unfortunate that tho bank cashier never commits suicide un- til he has wrecked the bank. What the country wants is a species of cashier who will experiment with his vital spark before he thinks of monkeying with the safe.
 A PARIsrAN doctor prescibed for a young lady who had objections against growing stout; "Take exercise, my dear girl. Consider the trees of the field; they never take exercise, and as a con- sequence they go on growing bigger and bigger every year.
 A MAN named Hoyle registered his name at one of the Baltimore hotels. Within half an hour aftorward no fewer than forty-nine anxious inquirem sent up their cards to his room begging to be informed if flush royal couldn't get away with four aces
 FLOWERS and fruit arc always ht presents; flowers, because they are proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world. Those gay natures contrast with the sombre coun. tenAnce of ordinary nature; they are like music heard out of a work-house.
 A BbuE-EYEp girl went into the music. store and said; "Havo you any easy Boston-P Providence pieces for begin. ners ?" "what arc Boston Providence pieces 2" asked the astonishod clerk. "Pieces without any runs in them, ox. plained the blue-eyed girl sweetly.
 A STUDENT once remarking in com pany that he could make an impromptu rhyme upon any words that might be given to him, was requested to try his powers on "di-do-dum," whoreupon he gave the following: "When Dido's lover to Dido would not come, Dido sat moping, and was Dido dumb.
 "How ARE times with you, nowadays [" asked an old resident of Austin, of a colored barber. "I nebbor seed 'om so bad, boss" "You don't have much to dof" 'I reckon not, boss. Times am so hard dat outer ten men, eleben don't get shabed at all, and all the rest shabea 'emselves. "-7erds SUtings.
 Two FRESHMEN, while walking along street, noticed a large placard in tho window of a shop with the words Butter 1 Butter | Butter II l" in giant type printed on it. "Pat, " said Mick, "what is the meaning of them big strokes after the words 2" ''Och, yo ignor- amus," said Pat, "surc and they're meant for shillelaghs 10 show that it's Irish butter"
 "wuAr do you think" said Clara; ''that horrid Tom Brown proposed to mo last evening. He hummed and hawed a long time, but finally spunkcd up courage to ask for my hand" And what did you say, dear ?" asked Della 'Say9 Why, I told him couldn't bo SO cruel as 10 burden him with a third hand when he didn't know what 10 do with the two he already had-the awk- ward boobyp
 A YOUNG lady was complaining to her pastor that she had no influence with IL. n y.fa a1t ftnw tnts44