Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-02-20
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

THE latest fashionable craze in Eng
land is mule riding. " Ears a goPN
Bismarck Tribune.
"PAPA's Home Tonight" is the title
of the latest song. Late hours fetch
them all, sooner or later.-Bo8ton
Globe.
''Do try some of our old port on
your oysters" said Mrs. Parvenu. 81
know it's old, for the label was as dirty
as it could bep
''THE only experimentation machine
| know Of" says an uptown house
holded, 'is the gas meter" NeaO York
Commercial Advertiser.
IF there is one time more than anoth-
er when a woman should be entirely
alone it is when line full of clothes
comes down in the mud.--NeW York
Journal.
OvER-sCRUPULoUs. "My husband is
vicar of St. Boniface; but don't attend
his church." 'Indeed! How is that?"
"The fact is, II don't approve of
married cIergymen"
'FWhy don't you come and kiss me,
johnny" said an ancient maiden aunt
to her youthful nephew. Because"
said Johnny, ''Im afraid of powder"
Kentucky State Journal.
A CHICAGO firm is introducing wooden
slippers into this country. The small
boy is all in a sweat for fear his mother
will take it into her head to buy a pair.
Huntington Free Press.
Bacon says: Reading makes a full
man." Here is another long-felt want
filed by valid excuse. You can tell
your wife you've ''bin to the (hic)
readin' room. Bismarck Tribune.
A New YORK clergyman was adver-
tised to preach last Sunday on "Mod-
ern Rogues." When he rose in the pull
"Modern Progress. "-LOWeU Courier.
"ITEL1 ye, Bill, no girl can fool me.
If call on girl and she dosen't say
much and acts like she wants me to
leave, and don't ask me to call again,
it's very seldom I ever call back to see
her."
''MY DEAR" said wife to her hus-
band, 81 shall henceforth call you
Fire. . "Why, love, will you apply
such peculiar name to me?" asked her
husband. Because you go out gen
orally every night"
''BOIL down this stuff about forests"
said the managing editor, handing
bundle of manuscript to a reporter. A
few seconds later the editor received the
following: "The way to preserve our
forests--don't cut them down."
A YOUNG woman who had been TO
the 'operaw" and was putting on airs
about it mentioned the upper reg
istaw." and her fellow said he would go
up stairs and shut it if she wanted him
Chicago Evening Journal
SOME children are often amusing by
reason of their conceit, as in the case of
the young French gentleman of the
mature age of 5, who, on being told
that the baby wanted to kiss him, said:
eyes; he takes me for his papa"
eyes" said the young De Suayth, as
he pensively chalked the end of his cue,
slack was my oldest and best friend,
but he married a girl from the suburbs
who wasn't in society, so of course I
had to drop him. My shotP-L6fe.
E'MA," said Miss GiItedge to her
fashionable mother, 'ma, shall we send
cards to the Frizzles for my wedding?"
81 guess you'd BETTER" ma made an
swer; 'Ffor as far as | can find out they
always give very handsome presents"
''No, I don't want to give anything to
theheathen to-day. just gave the wom-
an next door apiece of my mind about her
scallawag of boy that broke down my
plants. That's all I can afford to the
heather just now. "-Su9aday Courier.
ga farmers wife" wants to know if
we can recommend anything to destroy
the Common grub" We guess the
next tramp that comes along could
oblige you, if the family can't stand
your cooking. Burlington Free Press.
''Do you know why am like the new
bridge at Niagara" asked young Bliff-
kins of pretty Miss Smithers. He ex-
pected her to give it up and then he
would have rung in pun on camille
yer, but she replied: ''It must be be-
cause you are without visible means of
support"
LITTLE Johnnie and Mary were sitting
on an ottoman in rather close quarters
Both realized the crowded situation of
affairs and it was finally righted by
Johnnie, who said: "Mary, there would
be more room for me on this ottoman
If one of us was to get off. "-MGrGtbOn
independent.
THE ages of some of our American au-
thors are said to be as follows: R.J.
Burdette is forty, Bret Harte is forty
five, Mark Twain is forty-eight, w. D.
Howells is forty-six, Thomas Bailey
Aldri2h is forty-fve, Joaquin Miller is
fory-tWo, James Russell Lowell is sixty
four, and John G. SAKE is sixty-eight.
How it startles you in a theater,
when you'er stufing programmes into
the overshoes which the man just in
front of you has put under his seat, SO
he'll have the Satanic Majesty's own
time in getting them on, to suddenly
think that the man behind you may
be playing the same game on you
Boston Star.
"THERE's a good deal of disputin'
about the liver hue of the sundowns,
lately" says Aunt Tabitha; ''some says
as how it is caused by the comic, and
others that it's collie dust, whatever that
is: but for nv part. I think II ia the de-