Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-10-16
WIT AND HUMOR,

IftUURt.
Mrs. Bare you not going to cele.
brate your wooden wedding?" Mrs.
c. mo; my first wedding was O
wooden one" Mrs.-"Oh, it could
not be. you know" Mrs. Cit was.
| married blockhead.
May the young couple enjoy all the
happiness and escape all the miseries
of matrimony," is the way Western
editor ends up marriage notice. II
is safe to assume that he did not take
that copy home to his wife.
1t is announced that Spanish dances
are coming into fashion. Young
Sprucey, whose girls father made him
walk Spanish" the other night, says
the step is too sudden and forced to
become popular Norristown Herald.
A lady in Fonda, N. Y, who is 81
ears old. is just learning to play the
piano. She says that woman who
can't play some sort of an instrument
nowadays stands a pretty poor chance
Of getting married. Darlington Free
Press.
In London there is school in which
monkeys are taught the English Ian
guage from blocks on which the letters
are printed. Next thing we know an
effort will be made to import instruc-
ton to the American dude.-NorriS-
torn Herald.
A New York paper makes big fuss
about calf with \ human head. That s
nothing; we have hundreds of them
right here in this city. They wear
clothes just like men, and generally
stand on corners and ogle the girls
Baltimore Dag.
1t is getting fashionable for ladies to
wear fruits instead of flowers. The
Chicago girl who went to fancy ball
recently with a large watermelon snug
ly ensconced iii each of her slipper
bows was voted to be the queen of the
fashion. harrington Free Press.
They were disputing about something
or other, when Mrs. Fogg impatiently
exclaimed: 20. well. sir, you have
your way. You always were an of
horse. Yes, my DEAR" replied
Fogg, land an off horse, you know, is
always on the right side"
A noiseless roller-skate has been in
vented. There is probably no device
the ingenuity of man can contrive that
will make noiseless the man who uses
such skates the first time, and sits
down upon the back of his head with
his legs shooting heavenward. Nothing
but death.
All the noted astronomers lived very
long lives. They were obliged to in
order 10 find out anything worth pub
fishing. The astronomy business is up
Hill work, and has been unproiitab bic
until patent medicine people began to
offer rewards for new stars. -Net0 Or
leans Ptcayane.
JOAN the pigs look rather queer.
Have they been fed?" John-"Yes,
sin" What did you give
them?" John-"As there wasn't moth
Ing else. gave them the milk that was
leitin the cans when the men got back
from the citv." Great
Josepnusi What have you done? Run
for the doctor
Father, quericd young Henderson,
''what is Il society eyent'P" A society
event is what | call one of your
mothers crazy-quilt parties, if l can
get the editor TO put il in for nothing.
If mt Get it in for nothing l call
it y shame, and ask him when he's
going TO print something the people
like TO read.
what name does your husband call
You by?' said y bride TO friend who
had been married several years; docs
he cali yoa ducky or loyey? My dar-
ling cal 5 me ducky." Does he?
Mine used 10 call me popscy-wopscy,
pGt he doesn't use that term now. P"
WHAT does lie call you thens" He
calls me, Say theren = SomerUilLe
J0urH0i.
"Iiow often do YOU present your bill
TO that young teilow?" said u gentle
man TO Il ci%ar-store man whom dude
told to charge him with package of
Quarterly sir" what?
You don't mean to say You trust him
for three months?' "Oh, no, of course
not. Quarterly in this ease means
every time the bill amounts to
quarter. - UerchaHt TN or.
A California editor, who has evident
ly been rusticating to the fullest extent
of the term, is moved to remark phil
that ''lhe passion for illicit
watermelon is something which age
nor iniivmity has power to cool. 1t is
thus that vice has ever sought to justify
Itself, but ii is painful to see it boldly
Haunted in the face of the public
Indianapolis JournaL
'My son." asked n proud father,
after the usual greetings upon the
young mans return from college,
ah
traps?" "a microscope, dad?" re-
piled the astonished youth. Eyes, my
son; you have been in college, you
know, four years, and thought if you
had microscope handy | should like
to see how much you had learned"
They were strolling in the green
fields, and he was telling her of his
love. just as he was on the point of
asking her to marry him a COW, which
was concealed by bush few feet
away. mooed long and loud. Did the
girl faint away or run away or screamP
No. SlFo gave one little imperceptible
start and simply remarked: go away,
COW. As you were saying, George"
-NeU YORK. Sun.
A woman will calmly leave the cover
of jar containing ground coffee open
when she knows the air will take the
strength out of it. But she will never
leave the stopper out of bottle con-
tanning perfume she bought in Paris
last summer. ANY one sending us a
correct solution of the whvforeness of
the thusly will receive, bY return mail +,
the cornet used by Washington to
blow his fire at Valley Forge. Pack.
Little Willie was fond of throwing
stones at the passing school-hoys, and
then taking refuge behind the hall
door. One day he did not get away
so easily, and, faring pretty badly. he
burst into his aunts presence with the
tears running down his cheeks, and
sobbed out in great wrath, Il just wish
was an angel way up high, where the
policeman could'n catch me, with my
pocket full ofroctS. if / wouldn't give il
to them boysh Ha2pcr's Bazar.
a lady living in the suburbs was
pestered by patent churn agent, whc
was anxious TO demonstrate that the
machine would make butter in ter
minutes. Upon his third or fourth cal
the other afternoon she filled the
churn, and the agent worke it for ter
minutes, then very briskly for ten more,
and then perspiringly for ten more
He confessed he was at loss to know
what was the matter until the lady re
marked: II guess l churned all tbs
butter out Of that milk this morning.
The agent FLEW.
Even % more extraordinary incl
dent, continued the student of nature
occurred when | Twas boy in Peru. Nj,
brother and | were snowballing eacl