davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1884-06-20
FIVE MINUTES OF FUN.
HUMOROUS STORIES THAT WILL
RAISE A SMILE.

Woo Thin-EHOw HE Wanted 10 be
Shaved-BIncking the yellow Fever
-EOugher Than Pie-Crust.
at is astonishing remarked Sam
Colly at the breakfast table, chow ex-
tremes meet in this world"
"To what extremes do you refer, Mr..
Colly2" asked the widow Flapjack, who
was pouring out the coffee.
"Well, you, for instance, are very stout,
and the coffee is so very thin," and he
stirred up the mixture, and smiled in a
sickly sort of way.
''It's not as thin as your excuses for
not paying your board regularly"
Sam has not said "coffee" since. .--SJt-
ilGS..
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1884-06-20

however, some indulgence may be al
lowed, and Miss Martha, screened from
observation by huge, easel-mounted
black board, did not stir until the sound
of a large bell swung by willing hand,
and the simultaneous opening of many
doors, announced that IL O'Clock and re-
cess had arrived.
Peeping past the blackboard, she saw
the class of little short.skirted geograph-
ers file decorously out of their recitation
room, each turning at the door to courte-
sy after the old-fashioned manner tradi-
tional in the school, and which Miss
Martha insisted should be punctiliously
observed, then bounding away with
many an impromptu twirl and pireuette
'Dear little hearts" murmured Miss
Martha, rising and taking up again the
book and pencil she had dropped, "for
them the Sandwich Islands do not exist. "
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
Wanted. q Companion.

hear-that's what the Witne$s says
That these Objectionable men,
The Democrats, our country's foes,
Have got President again.
His name is Cleveland, am told,
Another dangerous New York man,
And he intends to take his seat
According to the ancient plan.
Pve mentioned this to Mrs. H.,
And we substantially agree
That neither of us can conceive
How such thing can ever be.
What, in the name of common sense,
Are our Republicans about?
Why don't they choke him of at once?
Why don't they count the fellow out!
Where is Bill Chandler? Where Is Grant!
Where Evarts, Bradley, Shel man, Hoar,
And all the good Returning Boards
That worked SO well in years befores
Think how they counted Tilden out.
just at the dropping Of hat!
To deal with small mojorities
Would be child's play compared to that.
l, who was smartly counted in,
Am counted out of every place,
And many disrespectful men
Call me the National Disgrace.
I wanted another counted in,
Another Fraud upon throne,
So that need not hide my head,
And bear the sting of shame alone.
N. Y. iSnn. RIB. H-Y.s.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18

.,.g -A,I.nougn Csneon: an on Gnlna mas :
sopu.aslon - q l,ooO;O0V snefe = nos :
1e"sp.per - me Plsoe-
!, da LAKE superior covers m AREA OF
n.oO = OO square niles; LAKE Michigan
so'oOO sluAre miies-r- - 1'eeroes <0s&
The steamship chargcs Tor taking
:attle from this country TO England are
low S7.So per head. NJ \. Hevdld
The navy OF this great ana glorious
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
Do You Wan. G.sd Fruit !rsss'

fyou do, I'VE can give you no better adj
vice than to call on A. *. Sutton, proprietor
of the Arcadia Valley Nursery. He has Ap-
pies, Pears, Peaches, Cherries, Plums, Straw
berry Plants, etc., Of every variety. Most
of the fine fruit grown here in this season Is
from trees taken from his Nursery, which is
rapidly acquiring IN excellent reputation.
The trees grown in this climate are certainly
better suited to this section than those im-
ported from distance, and our people ap-
pear to have at length become aware Of the
fact. We can commend Mr.. s. unequalified-
" TO every reader of this paper, and his word
can be depended upon at all ftimes. Orders
by mail for trees from responsible parties
will receive prompt attention.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
WIT AND WISDOu.

Character Is not the. thing man
puts on when he goes to mingle with his
fellows; it Is that essential thing in
which he stands undressed under the
Eye that sees all things.
"A Philadelphia girl tainted riRht In
front OF an Ice cream saloon, and has
gone clean back on her lover because
he had her carrid to drug store across
the street instead of into the saloon
st. Paul Herald.
"A Louisville man has turned out
some sort of an electrical invention by
which man can lie in bed and fish.
There is no demand for such contrap-
ton, for anybody knows that . man who
will fish can lie anywhere. -Merch0nt
TrGueier.
"A teacher asked s bright little Rirl
the other day what country was oppo-
site to us ON the globe. II don't know
sir, = was the reply. .sWolL, now, pur-
sued the teacher, s.if wero 70 bore
hole through the earth and you were to
60 in ut this end where would you come
outp" ..Out of the hole. sir. - said the
pupil In triumph. NJ r World.
And now that you have graduated
from college. Tom, what do You expect
TO dopn asked his pretty cousin. II
shall study law. !" he replied gravely.
'.But isn't that profession very much
overcrowded, Tom r. s.P0ssibly Il is.
but it il not my fault In this world We
must al look out for number one. AZ
/ said, shall study law, and those who
are already Ia the profession must take
their chance. - II Aaix and Express.
Never teach false morality. How
axtu11ai&aIv ahanrd n tall = ep3rf &ha<
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
Never Give Up.

II you are suffering with low and depress-
ed spirits, loss of appetite, general debility,
disordered blood, weak constitution. head
ache, or any disease Of bilious nature, by
all means procure . bottle of Electric Bitters.
You will be surprised to see the rapid Inn
proyement that will follow; you will be In
spired with new life; strength and activity
will return; pain and misery will cease, and
henceforth you will rejoice in the praise Of
Electric Bitters. Sold at fifty cents q bottle,
by p. r. Crisp.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
NOTICE.
TO Whom it May Concern.

Having bought, at trustees sale, the steam
saw mill and teams, and all other personal
property used in connection Herewith, here-
tofore belonging to T. P. Fitz, and situated
near the public road from Des Arc to Brunot; !;
and, having leased all of said property tenn
porarily to said T. r. Fitz, / hereby notify
the public that will not be responsible for
any debts contracted or incurred in the run
ming Of said mill, or for the keeping Of said
teams. JOS. G. CLARKSoN. 5
Nov. 18th, 1884.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
Daughters. wives and Mothers.

We emphatically guarantee DIR. MARcHusI's
CATHoLIcoN. A FEMALE REMEDY. to cure
Female Diseases, such as Ovarian troubles,
Inflammation and liberation. Failing and Dis
placement or bearing down feeling, Irregu-
larity, Barrenness, Change Of life. Leucorr-
hoes, besides many weaknesses sprin9ing
from the shove, like Headache, floating.
Spinal weakness, SleepIessness, Nervous de-
bility, palpitation Of the heart, &c. For saia
by Druggists. Price 81 90 and 81 80 per Bot
tie. Send TO DR.. j. B. Marchiei, Utica, n.
r.. for Pamphlet, free. For sale by r. h.
Crisp, Druggist, Ironton.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
Omcial Directory.

Pennington .s'
BERNARD ZwARr, U. 8. Commissioner. East.
ern District OF Missouri, Ironton. =
y: y: 1ANcEY State Senator of Gath Dis
Soto. De
Will r. EDGAR, Prosecuting Attorney,
THos. g. FOLEY, Representative, BelIeview.
A. w. HoLLoMAN Presiding Judge Arcadia.
DAVID II. PALMER, Belleview, and os G. CLARK
son, Arcadia, Associate Judges.
FRANZ DINGER, Judge OF Probate, Ironton:
W. A. FLETCHER, sheriff q Collector, Iron
ton,
JOSEPH HUFF Clerk Circuit Court, Ironton.
l. G. WHIrwoRTH, Treasurer, Ironton.
=. e. BUFoRD, Assessor, Belleview.
JACOB T. AXE, Public Administrators, Iron
ton.
]. GRANDHoMME. Coroner, Irouton.
+. Z. MILLER, County School Commission
or for Iron county. Missouri. Pilot Knob.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
Bucklen's Arn1ca sa1ve.

The BEST SALvE in the world for Cuts,
Bruises, Sores, Ulcers, Salt Rheum, Fever
Sores, letter, Chapped Hands, Chflblains,
Corns, and all Skin Eruptions, and positfve-
ly cures Piles, or no pay required. 1t Is
refunded. Price, Is cents per box. For
sale by p. e. Crisp.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
The scrap-Bo0k.
HE WAS DERIDEE.

1t is not expeslient in carrying on
conversation with col0reti persons to
use words that are not clearly within
the range of their comprehension. An
Austin waiter told Boston man mt q
Bost0nian.
He was, sab. Dey rided him out of
town on rail. -
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18

CIRCUIT CoURr is held on the Fourth Mon
day in October and April.
COUNTY COURT convenes on the First Mon
day Of March, June. September and December.
PROBATE COURT is held on the First Monday
In February May, August and November.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
ANswERING q CHALLrNGE.

Victer Noir, whose tragic death Is
well remembered, WAS man Of little
or no education. Shortly before his
murder he sent challenge to Paul de
Cassagnac for having written articles
attacking republicanisn in France. On
reaJing the letter the imperial dueIist
laughed heartily. It was full of ig-
norant blunders, especially bad spelling.
He replied as follows:
"SIR: You have challenged me with
out any plausible reason. Therefore I
have the choice of weapons. / choose
Consider yourself q dead
man. PAUL DE CAsSAGNAC.n
Chicago Tribune.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18

Recently a curious inci,ient happened
to the Bs.lgian lion which surmounts
the Prussian mound on the battlefield
of Waterloo. Some Frenca soldiers
were passing there. and, naturally
feeling Indignant at the monument
commemorating the nations defeat,
they ascended the mound and hacked
off the tail of the lion with their
swords. or course the French foreign
minister had to apologize for the act,
but, all the same. the English govern
ment had to buy Mr.. Lion new tail
aud screw it on.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
AN IMPERTINENr BEAUTY.

A letter from London speaks la
harsh terms of the Prince Of Wales,
treatment of women and asserts that
he il, in this regard, simply u BRUTE"
Among the proofs of this Is mentioned
the fact that the celebrated American
beauty, Miss Chanberlaine, who had
become notorious for moving about
after the prince, was seated next to
him at a supper at ball and said Tin
the mersst fun: Jumbo. you eat too
much.' That was enough. Only the
moment before on terms of that famil-
lar intimacy which any man might be
glad to be with q young and pretty
girl, he turned his shoulder to her
without reply, and from that on, 80
far as he was concerned, the famous
Miss Chamberlaine was incontinently
dropped. After that there wasn't any
thing left but for her father aud moth
er to take her home.n We should
think so! and she had better be kept
there till she learns how to behave
EUery Other Saturday.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
THANKS FOR SOME CIDER


The sun fingers lovingly on the emer-
aid slopes of the far away Shenandoah.
Virginia's classic vale, where the ap-.
pie blossoms in early spring aud ere
antumn rounds out its siumherous days
the golden pippin and modest russet
lend their hidden wealth TO he con-
verted into an opaline flood that mir
r0rs in its depths the snow bloom and
glory of the orchards of that imperial
section, each glnbule holding in its
GOLDEN core inspiration for the poet,
hearts ease for the unfortunate, and q
nepenthe for the ills of life; beverage
that would have lured Jove from high
Olympus. put To the blush the purple
flood Of Cana, and make st. John for
get his vows as its aroma floats ont OH
the am mbient air. We know whereof
we speak, for DR.. Wash Jacobs has
kindly sent US flask that had just
gurgled in all its purity from the orig
innl package, distilled by the flushing
waters of the beautiful river, sparkling
as the eyes Of the daughters of that
fair land and az generous as the donor.
We did notsay "get behind me. Satan, -
hut we called In some friends and
downed the enemy.-Col. J. T. Chi.ds,
in the Richmond Mol Conservator.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-12-18
A LONG CANOE VOYAGE.

DR.. r. III. Russell is going from New
York to New Orleans in q fifteen pound
whitewood canoe. His only compan-
ion will be q pet. bull-tiog. The start
will be made from some point on the
North River one day this week, going
thence to Albany, through the canal
to Buffalo, and thence to the Ohio, aud.
down the latter to the Mississippi.
The trip will probably take six weeks.
The doctors boat is fourteen feet long
by twenty-six inches wide, built with
deck for the voyage. He carries his
own provisions. will do his own cook
ing, and will shoot fish en- voyage
N. Y. Star.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1884-07-09
T8F RAILROAD COMMISSION AND
THE POLITICIANS



-Itw was noted at the late the Dem
ocratir State Convention that not a
worI WAS said in the discussions IN
reference TO a Mandatory Commis-
sion. The newspapers and street
reporters who had predicted tho adj
option of a plank with fierce de-
pupc;ation of railroads were quietly
sat down upon. A conservative
spirit appeared instead of great
wrath. which was to consume them.
OF com 20 this is to be attributed to
a proper sense of obedience to judi
cial authority, as the recent deci~
sion of the United States Court
at Nashville had set aside our pre-
cent railroad commission as uncon-
stitptionaI. The convention clearly
conceded by its action that further
agitation of the matter would be
useless and adopted a plank which
emasculated the power OF regula~
ton OF freight and passenger rates
and merely claimed the power 10
prevent extortion. We fail to see
the need of even this IS the courts
already afford an easy remedy Tor
this grievance. We can find no OBJ
iectiens to the passage OF laws that
would furnish q cheap and effective
remedy for citizen whe was ag~
grieved. No one would approve OF
extortiOn in any form. We believe
that a Commission As organized
now is worse than useless, and
serves but the single purpose offurn-
ishing easy berths to three officials
Thus far they have only stirred up
strife aud prevented the extension
of railroads in the State. The peo-
pie OF this country know to their
cost that it has cost them the build
ing oftho Cincinnati road through
the county, and the sale of hundreds
of thousand OF dollars of lumber and
ether produce. They feel that this
intermeddling has delayed the com
pletion of road. And SO in all parts
Of the State. Ii is beyond all caNil
that a line from Gallatin to Knox
Vile would have been under way,
piercing the coal aud oil regions
east of Us but for the interruption.
Our people have paid ten years tax
es on $500, 900 with a hope of the
building of road north, and have
no good feelings for any man or
policy thar defeats their wishes.
They don't fancy sentimental poll
tics that treads on their toes and
and robs their pockets at the same
time.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1884-07-09

duties devolving upon Dehocratic
President. In the event-effhdehe-
refusal to accept the nomination
thus rendered, Cleveland is the most
formidable candidate. But with his
own State badly split, he can not,
without n union of the delegation,
secure the nomination. Next to
Cleveland stand Randall and Nc
Donald. The former has not been
urged to any great extent for the
position, and therefore labors under
the advantage Of having incurred
no anImosities at this season 1t is
we'll known that he is the choice Of
Mr.. Tildcn, and that fact of itself
will influence many to support him.
There is no doubt of his democracy,
which was thoroughly tested in the
days Of his Speakership. The only
hostility is from the free traders and
even they recognize his strength
should he be nominated The in
dustrial and manufacturing CLASSES
wOuld-give him a most hearty sup
port. 1t is said that the Butler men
prefer him to any other candidate
named. Special information has
been received by The GAZETTE to
the effect that the Randall feeling
in Missouri is strong, though quiet
At the proper moment the delcga'
ten from that State is ready to 20
solidly for him. In Georgia q part
of the delegation is for him, andin
other Southern States his strength
in the doubtful States will have Its
! weight when particular choices are
out of the way. New York, New
! Jersey and Connecticut must be
\ carried for Democracy 20 succeed
and rs victory is the one thing
above all To DO considered at this
crisis, the chances are not small that
I the name Of Samuel j. Randall will
head the democratic ticket, with
4 Bavard or Mcdonald for vice presi-
dent. F..r.. .t...t ... -..-.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1884-07-09

Senator (Br0WlA. says clearly that
his people will not stand direct tax
alton, and L believe him and think
be speaks truly for all the South.
Then.as the government must have
money, and itCeannet' beFaised by
direct taxation, why not let the
present system aIone7 The manu-
featuring countries of the world are
rich But because they are manus
featuring countries, ,so~calied arc
the agricultural interests hurt there
by2 What farmers are SO rich as
those of France, England, New Eng
land and the Middle States2,n Yet
these countries haVe im1mense man
ufacturing interests; and what farm
ers are so poor as, those of a purely
agricultural people, Russia, Turkey
and the Southern States are fair illus
trations. To be prosperous we must
have a diversity of pursuits, and this
gives employment to an, immense
population and provides a rcmuhor-
ativey market at the farmers Very
door for every product ofthe soil.
The diversity of pursuit builds up
villages, towns and cities, and they
i. q
in turn ask the farmers for supplies
A careful consideration Of your May
number viii show this if looked at
with liberal eye. Why Is farming
lands around cities sovauable and
why is it so cheap when isolated
from markets? Is not the answer
a plain one 2 1t seems at last that
our population is thick enough to
support a valuable agricultural pa
per. b If this paper bad ten asub~
scribers TO where it now has enc,
would not the farmers be benefited
thereby 01' Oh 90 .ya sfi h'u9l
Our good and honest farmers res
ally want the country built up; to DO
this we must be iberal,and gener1
Gus. Manufacturers must be en-
couraged; capital, (which seeks to
come, must not be frightened away
by frowns. In 1865 and later, rail-
road iron was worth Slipper ton,
and now steel rails can be purchas-
ed at from $50 to $40. 10 1850 prints
Calico were worth l24 cents per
yard in retail stores, now they are
selling at64 cents. Then Aka sheet
ing, running three yards to the
pound, was worth ten cents at re-
tail, aud now the same goods can
be bought at seven cents. Our prop
er plan is to encourage all, with
the assurance that any,industry at
present highly remuneFatiye, will
sooner or later meet with sufficient
competition 10 bring its products TO
reasonable price. Don'tletus think
that the manufacturers are making
all the money at the expense of the
tillsrs of the soil. They, too, have
their troubles, and. at times ofgreat
commercial depressions, as at present,
very serious ones, and many manu-
facturers of to-day with his all in
vested in his factory, and his wife
and children to provide for, is looks
ing with great interest at his more
neighbor, the farmer, and
devoutlyl wishingthat he bad broad
acres of highly cultivated land.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1884-07-09
DEVELOPING TIE SOUTHERN
COUNTRY.
Of the southern CuitivAtor aud
Dixie Farmer.

Correspondence Of the southern CuiHvator and
Dixie Farmer. ..t
When Gov. Tilden wrote that the
future development of the South
would far surpass the expectations
of the most prolific imagination
among us, he gave expression TO the
deliberate conviction of a far reach
ing mind. No country under the
sun is more blessed with natural ad
vantages; our resources are unlimit-
ed in timber, minerals and waters
power, while our climate is unsur>
passed aud our soil responds to in
telligent treatment. For years our
ablest writers and .wisest men have
devoted time and study to the best
modes for a general development,
have reiterated to the outside world
that we are law-abiding that bona
fde settlers were much desireds that
capitalists were wanted aud would
be protected in their rights and.iu-
terests, were invited aud urged TO
come and assist us in building up
our splendid country. As a means
10 that end, the Exposition 10 Attain
Ia was insugurated, then the one. at
Louisville followed, aud now the one
ut New Orleans is TO eclipse both.
Many lines of railroads have been
built, more are projected, and the
end is not yet Manufacturers wore
told of sur greater facilities for sues
cessful competition and the wonder
full success of our few mills were
pointed out as demonstrating the
fact. AgricuIturis:s were told of
our fine soil aud the great diversity
of farming which could be carried
on. All this has been done persist
emily and the out side world have
looked at these truths and believed
them, and to-day there IS fs section
ofour country making greaterstrides
in the various Industries than the
South. - i-' l'f-- pa
While we are working ourselves
and striving with all our energy to
push our country to the front, we
need advice and capital from every
source. Let it come, and let us give
it encouragement One industry
begets another by creating wants
hitherto unknown, thus giving scope
to enterprise aud furnishing occupa-
ton and markets at our very doors
which formerly we never dreamed
of We have made a good start and
let Us be exceedingly careful to keep
progress in that direction. In read
ing over the April and May numbt RS.
of our valuable CuItivator, we find
articles from our esteemed contriba1
tors upon the all>absorbing topic Of
tho tariff, one taking the view ofthe
proleetionist and Others opposed, yet
all honestly expressing their
. This is right and i like
to sec Il, but We must be moderate
in our opinions. AS yet we are.an !
agricultural people, but we wish to |
push every resource to its utmost
point, to cripple none and to fright
en- no capitalaway from our borders.
Money we must have to defray the
various expenses of thegeneral gov
ernment, and IL must be raised in
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1884-07-09

NJ. Vulpian, the Paris doctor, had a
patient some time ago who was afflicted
with that form Of aphasia5 in which
speaking is impossible. though the in
diviaual is able to: sing without diff
Gully. The doctor utilized the singing
power by teacqing this patient and
those who followed him to- sing what
everthe7 wished to SAY, without C n
finiug themselves. to the .wofdseof the
air. AS consequence the hospital has
become musical with the notes of opera
bouffe and the MarseiHaisep i'm which
the patients ask. for everything they de-
81