Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-03-20
WIT AND HONOR,


they will have!-Rochester Democrat.
Husband. you'll have to so and
call that boy yourself. l can't make
him get up. He sleeps as if he were n
log" ''Oh, well, Maria, the boy can't
help it. It's fate. He was born to be
a policeman"
Victim (to dentist)-.Good heavens!
man, that is the second sound tooth
you have pulled" Dentist (to yictim)
Il beg your pardon, sir, but as you
had only three when | commenced |
think [ shall make no mistake this
time"
Old gentleman Cooking at very
bob-tailed horse): ''Bless me! How
short they have cut his tail" Attend
ant: His master is a member of the
Society for the Protection of Animals,
sir. In this fashion he will not annoy
the poor flies. "
1t is a sight worthy of an artists
crayon to see a woman, while talking
through a telephone to her grocer three
miles away, stamping her little foot
and shaking her fist as though the poor
man was quailing right before her
Y0nkerS Statesman.
Trust men and they will be true to
you," says Emerson. We showed this
to respectable grocer. He grew livid
with rage, seized a club, and wanted
to know where that Emerson fellow
lived. There was mischief in that GRO
GERS eye. We did not tell him.
Postal regulations: Abigail-What!
half these letters again for Miss Fanny
and not one for me? Postman (Hiber-
nian)-Av course not. Do you think
me so name as to be bringin' ye letters
from another gentleman, and [ killen
myself comm to see We every morning
this whole month past, darlin'?
A Grass Valley man has four trained
frogs that sing the ''Sweet Bye and
Bye" A little marsh frog is the tenor,
bio bullfrog is the basso, and the So
prano and alto were imported from
Sacramento. AS soon as the owner
teaches them one or two new songs he
intends to travel through California ex-
hibiting them.
DR.. X goes to q restaurant with a
friend, and orders q bottle of wine.
Shortly after he is called away for
moment, and the friend accosts the
waiter: Fine brand of wine that is"
Waiter-''Ah, yes, but by no means our
best. You ought to try some of the
kind the Doctor always orders when he
comes here alone. "-F5egende BlGtter.
A country gentleman who recently
preached in an Austin church is an adj
mirer of the writings of Charles Dick
ems, and quotes from his novels almost
as often as he does from the Bible. He
surprised his congregation by winding
up gorgeous peroration with: cit is
thus you see, my brethren, as the
Scriptures say, 'Barkis is willin', but
the flesh is weak. "-TeDaS Sittinqs.
How is this, Minnie" asked one
asked all these folks to your party that
you scarcely speak to and left out some
of your most intimate friends" ''Oh,
that's all right. I'm practicing up on
cooking, and am going to bake the
cake for the party myself. / don't
want to kill any of my friends. y
Marathon Independent.
Some genius has invented thermo-
meter whereby man can regulate the
temperature to suit himself This is
an admirable thing, for, with one of
those machines in his pocket, a man
can defy the extremes. When the
temperature slides down below zero,
all he has to do is to pull out his little
thermometer, give it q twist up into
summer heat, and-there you are
Teas Sltt5ngS.
A grocer sold an old farmer a gallon
of tar through mistake for molasseS.
After discovering the mistake he waited
to hear some complaint, but, hearing
none, wrote to the old fellow, who re-
piled rs follows: much Obliged for
the c'reckshun, but it comes too late,
as all of the stuff is done sOpped up.
Wife she lowed that thar was suthen
outen fix with the 'lasses; but ! lowed
she must be pregedist. "-Arb0asao0
Traveller.
A clergyman in Durham, Eng. some
short time since taught an old man in
his parish to read. and found him an
apt pupil. After his lessons were fin
ished he was not able to call for some
time, and when he did only found the
wife at home. s'How is John?" said
he How does he get on with his
reading?" "Oh, nicely, sir" ''Ah, |
suppose he'll read his Bible very COM
Portable now?n ''B bic, sir! Bless you,
he was out of the Bible and into the
newspapers long ago"
Miss Maria Pickafaw (taIking be-
hind her fan to her sister)-The idea Of
Dolly Debut's wearing that heliotrope
dress! Miss Jane Pickatiaw-Whv, it
strikes me rs very becoming. Mss
Maria (snappishly) Becoming! OF
course! Did anybody say it wasn'tP
But don't you know it takes a faultless
complexion to wear that color. and for
Dolly Debut to appear in that dress is
as much as to say she considers her
complexion perfect. Miss Jane-How
very bold of her, to be sure!
Apropos of a familiar phrase much
in vogue among a certain type Of Amer
lean women, q very well known New
York lady, while travelling in Italy this
autumn, overheard some of her coun-