The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-23
THE FOOLS ARGUMENT.
"Bob'' Burdette Discourses on Bet
ting on Elections.

did not bet any money on the recent
election in Ohio. 1t has been many
wears since 1 upheld my political prin-
ciples by coming them for base drach-.
mas. A drachmas, dear, is spud, and
a spud is Lewis door, which door Is
an open sesame to the best society.
Years ago when / was young and
charming, rather a trifie more young
than was much more charming, / bet
a box OF cigars with political foe, but
an esteemed personal friend, on the
election OF Mr.. Hayes. To give him
show for his white alley, bet him hat
ON the result in New York. The re-
turns promptly decided that l lost the
hat. and the United States Congress
and the High Joint Arbitration Com
mission, after gravely considering the
question for many weeks, finally IN
formed me that had won the box OF
cigars. | never dreamed that such
simple bet would throw the republic
into such a painful state OF suspense,
excit ment and confusion. l said then
that never again would L thoughtlessly
tamper with the peace and happiness OF
my country, though all my political foes
went bare.headed and l had to pick up
stubs for my personal smoking all the
DAYS of our respective and respected
lives.
paid nv hat bet. I went to the
halter with my friend and had his head
blocked for special order. His blocked
head fairly swan with JOY when l told
him l was going to have a hat made
eSnecialIV for him. He said:
Robert -"
The sober, solemn truth is he said
Bob" but that doesn't look well III
print, and hate the name anyhow.
Robert, if you win the cigars,
which heaven forbid, ] will 90 to Ha-
vana and make them myself.
1 knew he would not. Far better than
he did. | knew it.
The hat was made under the personal
supervision of the halter, by and with
the advice and consent of myself. 1t
was slick, shiny hat. 1t was about
eighteen inches and as symmetrical as
stovepipe. 1t was the same size all
the way up. The brim was about an
inch and quarter wide, fat and
straight as silver dollar. 1t would
have been the pride of St Patrick's
Dav procession 1t was the awfullest
hat. Strong men shuddered when they
saw it. don't believe such a hat ever
was made before-or behind.
Well, gathered about score OF our
mutual friends. We got the band out,
set the hat on top of a dry goods box
in an open wagon and paraded down to
my friends store, and | presented the
hat with an elaborate and ornate ad-
dress. Men said it was the greatest
effort in my life l think it was. 1t
not only fatigued me, but the people
who heard it SAID it made them tired
also.
NY friends remarks in reply were
very brief, but suffused with emotion.
He took the hat and labeled it with my
name and exhibited it in his window.
When the Court of Arbitration at last
decided the other bet the band and the
crowd came out again and my foe pre-
scented me with box of cigars. AT the
conclusion of the presentation speech
he proposed that we smoke the pipe OF
peace. l could not refuse. faltered
my thanks, lighted cigar and pulled
twice or thrice.
That was nearly eight years agone,
and yet sometimes am aroused from
the profoundest slumber in the dead OF
night by the lingering farewell of that
cigar. A policeman, who accidentally
happened to be awake that afternoon,
came along and arrested me on charge
of disorderly conduct, arson and assault
with intent to commit hydrophobia.
The magistrate smelled my breath, as
plead not guilty, and fined me $40.
went home, and a committee of my
neighbors waited on me at long range
and gave me twenty-four hours to leave
the State. 1 left the box of cigars on
the Office steps, and two tramps were
found dead beside it next morning.
The Board of Health INSTRUMENTATION
against me for conspiracy, seized the
cigars and threw them into the Missis-
sippi river. All the fish between Bur
hngton and Keokuk died that week.
took down my shotgun, breathed into
it, pointed it at a dog and he turned
into a stone. / blew merely down the
barrel of the gun, intending TO hunt for
my foe, and the gun burst on the spot.
but why recount the narrowing ex-
periences of that week of horror?
only mention these few leading facts,
because Truth with a big T is so sadly
seldom during this campaign, and
wish to introduce little of it to leyen
or twelve the canvass.
No, if / knew 1 could lose all the hats
and win all the cigars in America on
New York alone, / would not bet that
Mr.. Blaine will carry Georgia by ever so
small majority. / expect to wear
straw hat all the winter and l have
given up the use of tobacco in any form.
| smoke only cigarettes.