News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-12-11
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEIR COLUMNS
TO SMILE OVER.
Chicago MntrimOny-The Necessities of Life
A Hard Thing 10 Do--Changed his Mind
What he Might Take, Etc., Etc.
r1Rsr-c1Ass, AT ANY Rate.

L
''The groom, indeed He never was
a groom in his life. He was a first-class
high-toned corchman, I'd have them
know. -.Philadelphid Call.
FRESH EGGS WANTED.
Gilhooly and Gus de Smith entered
an Austin restaurant, and sat down at a
table.
"what will you have, gentlemen 2"
asked the obsequious waiter.
"l'll take three boiled eggs" said Gus.
Sand you, sir ?"
'Ill take the same, but be sure and
have mine fresh, said Gilhooly.
The waiter goes to the speaking tube
and calls out:
"Six boiled eggs; three of them have
got to be fresh. ."-1eras Siifti'ags.
NECEssARIEs OF LIFE.
Young Winks (meaningly): "Don'tyou
think, Miss Minks, that two persons
might manage TO get along very COM
fortably nowadays on q small salary,
considering how cheap the necessaries OF
life have become ?"
Miss Minks Gnnocently): "Why, yes,
should think so. Let me see. A cook
and chambermaid could be got for about
81 between them, and then you know
rents are not very high, and provisions
are quite low now, and never saw such
bargains in silks and velvets.
He didn't propose.
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS.
"Old Hardfist has done great deal
for your town, hasn't he ?" said granger
to citizen of a country village.
"Yes, indeed" replied the citizen
who knew HARDEST from way back.
"What are some of the most promi-
nent things he has done?"
"Wel, he has just done one of the
best things he ever did for this town."
"You don't sayl And what was
that"
"He moved out West."-- Yo7akers
Statesman.
THE HARDEST THING TO DO.
sis that brake hard to handle ?" asked
young man on the front platform OF q
Broadway car of the driver.
"No," responded that person.
sis that whistle hard to blow ?" again
Intercepted the youth.
"No," grufly responded the driver.
"What is the hardest thing to do on
street car ?"
Answering fool questions" replied
the driver.
CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT HER.
81 shall never call on Mrs. Smith
again." said Mrs. Jones. 81 never
want to see her any more"
"You women are very foolish to quar-
rel over triAes," said Mr.. Jones. "Mrs.
Smith is very pleasant person, little
talkative, perhaps, but on the whole
very estimable woman. You shouldn't
attach any importance to what she says.
What was the trouble2"
s'She said you weren't very prompt
in paying your debts
ssWeN, by thunder - shouted Jones
! jumping to his feet, Il would give 81
| il she were a man for just ten minutes.
FOOD FOR REFLECTION.
Mr.. Societe-"I have just learned o.
your sisters engagement, and congratu-
lated her. 1 really wonder, though,
how Jack Simmons ever got up bis
courage to speak to your father.
Miss UnpIucked Flower-"Why so,
Mr.. Societe ?"
Mr.. S.-"Why, your father has al
ways seemed to me SO distant, man
difficult of approach"
Miss q. F. with animation)-"Oh,
not at all, Mr.. Societe. Get that idea
out of your mind, beg of you, as soon
as possible. "--Harper's Bdzor.
MATRIMoNY IN CHICAGO.
Mrs. Blinks: ''Didn't you say before
our marriage that you would live for me
alone ?"
Mr.. Blinks: ''Perhaps did"
''Perhaps, eh There's no perhaps
about it. You did say it and I've got
witnesses to prove it, too"
"Oh Well, I'm willing to stick to my
promise.
"You are?"
"Yes; I'll live for you-alone. -
PhiLd. Call.
WHAT HE NIGHT TAKE.
Darling" he whispered, as the clock
sadly struck two and he still sat there
trying to impress her with his love,
"there is one thing I so much desire.
Would you let me take something that
would be eternally sweet to my remem-
brance?"
sI don't know" she coyly replied,
making move as if to fall on his thirty
cent shirt-front, "but there is one thing
that you could take that will fill my
happy cup to overHowing
"What is it, loved one ?" ready to
catch her; but only a cold answer came,
that sounded like the bottom OF coal
box in December:
"You might take your leave. At
La1ata Constitution.
THE FARMER AND HIS DOG.
An anecdote. Years ago Vermont
farmer lost many sheep through the
| depredations of wolves. Hc journeyed
to Boston and returned with wolf-dog
which cost him many dollars. He
started out the next day and soon his
dog was following up a scent rapidly
and disappeared in the woods. The
farmer on horseback followed and met
chopper. "Wall, stranger, did yer
see e'er o dog and a wolf go by p
''Yaas." "Wall, how was it 2" '"The
dorg was leetle ahead"
SUCH A sTINGY MAN.
"You don't call on Miss G. now.
sNo. we've quit" "Quit. What's tn,
difficulty ?' "Oh, her father is toe
penurious." "Too penurious. Why, he
has the reputation of being PARTICULAR,
liberal" "Perhaps he has, but he tol(
me the other evening I'd better leave, a
he couldn't afford to waste shoe leathe
ON me. It's my private opinion tina
that man would skin a flea for its hid,
and tallow. oil City Blizzard,
PROFESSIONAL DIGNITY.
At the Police Court: 81 was sitting II
the bus and the prisoner was beside MI
when suddenly 1 felt him introducing hi
hand into my pocket in clumsy man
ner." Prisoner (bursting into tears)
''Your Honor, implore the protection
of the court. l protest against any sian
ders on my professional ability. III
Figaro.
In HoTFL.-When YOU reach tn