News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-07-24
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER THIS WEEK.
An UntruthfnI Saying-Et was Proof Posi-
Iivc-A Pie StOry-EIer Peculiar Papa
A WOman's Heart.
TIE OLD PIE STORY.

selected to cook, and 1t was agreed tuat
the first man who complained OF the
cuisine should assume the duties of cook
himself. The fare was simply atrocious,
but all held their peace with an effort.
One day some pie was brought that was
thought more villainous than anything
that had gone before it. The man at
the head OF the table looked around
upon the faces of his companions, and
it occurred to him that q condition
nearer akin to rebellion was pictured
upon the face of his vis-a-vis than upon
the countenance of any of the other I'M
fortunates. Addressing him, sweetly,
he said: "What do think of this pie ?"
With the utmost emphasis the reply
came: 81 think it is about the meanest,
most Internal and contemplate pie that
[ ever-' And then the recollection
of the agreement rushed across the
speaker, and with a beaming counte-
nance and tone of demoniac delight, he
FASTENED to add: ''But like it. -
AN UNTRUTHFUL SAYING.
"He's as crazy as bedbug."
"You say he vas crazy like petbug ?
eyes"
"Vat make you dink dot a petbug
vas crazy %
ooh, it's saying"
"Yah, it vas yoost like dem say
ings; it wouldn't work. Mein friendt, II
YOU dinks a petbug vas crazy, you yoost
go ofer by San Rafael and stop Won
night nit der hotel. If dot petbug vas
crazy vas he goin' to go up NIT der cell
ing and watch ven you go to shleep and
kick der covers of, so he drop down
and caught you ven it is mosd gonven-
lent mid himself? Come aroundt mine
upholstery shtore and [ show you some
petbug bricks dot make You dipk he
knows more as Chris Bugley. San
Francisco Post.
DARwIN's GREAT MISTAKE.
Minks-''I don't see why it is that il
men originally had tails they didn't stay
on"
Finks-"According to Darwin the
tails dropped off when there was nc
further use for them. "
"No further use for them Good
gracious Did Darwin think that 2
"Certainly."
"Well, I guess he never saw a bald,
headed printer setting type in fy-time.
-Phjya. Call.
HOW TO DISTINGUISH THEM.
Dauber - ''Let me show you my
latest picture"
Charles-'Whatd do you call it :"
sIt is Jonah and the whale. "
Every good; but don't you think l
would have been more appropriate
Won hadn't dressed Jonah in a swallow
tailed coat and au opera hat p
eyes. Tt might look little more
artistic. but there must be some way
distinguishing Jonah from the whale.
-Graphic.
PROOF POSITIVE.
An Austin lawyer has a mouth tina
travels fasters than his brain when HI
makes a speech. In a recent case, IL
which he was defending a man charged
with theft, he brought down the court
jury and spectators by saying :
Gentlemen of the jury, you have
heard me demonstrate the utter limo
cence of my client. You also have heart
the testimony of the prisoners own boy
in confederation of what [ have stated
and now, gentlemen of the jury, let m'
remind you of that old scriptural saying
that fools and children always tell thu
truth What more convincing proof d'
YOU require ?"-Teras Sit1ingS.
IN SEARCH OF INFORMATION.
"AIamma. is decoration something
good to drink? ?"
"Whv, child, of course not. Wha
makes you ask such a ridiculous ques
tion? ?"
"'Cause I heard pa say, Uncle Tom
let's decorate, and they went out. "
"Well, how did you know they haC
been drinking ?"
"'Cause when they came back pi
kissed me, and his breath smelled hk'
the stuff you put in mince pies. San
day Republic.
THE TELEPHONE.
A Milwaukee man went into salool
for a lunch, the other day, and while n
was swallowing the feed, he heard tn
telephone bell ring, and the bartende
went to the telephone and began to con
verse with somebody in a loud voice IL
the German language. The man opene'
his mouth wide, then turned to
gentleman at the same table, and said
"That's the first Dutch telephone eve
heard" The storekeeper told him h
had one at his house that Chinama,
could talk through, and the Milwaukee
man was paralyzed.-Peck's San.
A woMAN's HEART.
Charles Augustus-"Is it true, ms
that love takes away the appetite p
| hla-' IL CGItdlul9 OoOS'
my worst fears are realized. Oh
how can [ bear up under it p
"Why, my son, what is the matter
"You know how deeply THAT is
how much [ think of Miss Blanck."
ga charming girl, and l am glad 20
like her.
"But she cannot have particle
love for me"
"Why not p
because her appetite is not affecte
in the least. Last evening she toe
four plates of ice cream at one sitting.
"Don't be alarmed, my son; il
cream don't count. "--PhjladeLph
Evening CAL.
ICE LUMPS AND BILLS.
Iceman-"Well, as to non-conductc
of heat, wool cloth is very good, b
paper does first rate. y
Consumer ?"
eyes; wrap the ice up in it. -
"Well, when you leave your lum
just, please, wrap 1t In the bill.
CaU
WHAT ONE WOMAN WOULD DO.
"My love-" said young man to
wife, 81 notice that a lady in Engla
s has fallen heir to $5, 100000.
: GAIL in cash ?" was the business-H
8 reply.
e "No, in real estate. What would y
do if you had such a stroke of luck ?"