The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-28
For Tae .frkGnScw Tyaveiey.
 Al LECTURE ON CREMATION.
BY IKE PHILkiSs.

Many thousands of people who hung with silent agony and a deathless despair to my light lectures, signing because the lend was not" believe, and have circu- lated the report, that could not deliver a grave lecture.
 Being called upon the other day to ad- dress literary society, l thought nigh, as we'll dispel the gloomy doubts con- corning my abilities in the grave lecture hive, and so announced that had se iected "The Beauties of Cremation " as my subiec. When went into the hall to take the stand, I found only one man there-and he was deaf. He was so deaf that Gabriel will have to scrape his re- mains up and write him note telling him 10 wake up, as the night of time IS past, and tn. morning sun ofeternity is rising. He will never be able 10 hear a trumpet. He told me the audience had found 1t near by--if they have ever found it yet; for they never returned 10 the hall. have never seen them since. became offended, and refused to lecture 10 that society. AS took great deal of pains, however, in preparing that lecture, will here give 1t to the scientific world just as would have inflicted it on the members of that society had they have possessed the good breeding necessary to have kept them there.
 Ladies and Gentlemen In my sub ject tonight you will discover, if no, grave theme, one at least closely akin 10 the grave, though the object is 10 induce people to avoid the grave as they would the legislature. This fits any state This idea of burying people is what is causing the nations of tae earth to see woe, and is hurryins us on to Ca naan's happy land. There should be national law passed against buying any animal larger than a canary bird within ten miles of where any peison could ever possibly live.
 Cremation should be the mode of dis posing of the dead of the human family, and dead animals of other kinds should be boiled into soap for the cleaning of the nations [Exodus lvii I4-4S The first cremation of which we have any re- cord was where the sons of wicked priest of Israel were cremated because they followed the iilusuious example of their father. It did not reform the old man-but it did the two boys. They were cremated alive. l do not recom- mend this method, because it has many inconvenience that can be avoided by waiting until the victim is dead. must acknowledge, however, that we have many illustrious examples of, and high authority for, cremating live victims There was Jethro. He cremated his beautiful daughter, because he knew that, beautiful as she was, if he buried her, she would assist in scattering pestilenoe, and disease, and plague, and hari-kari, and death, and such unwholessme things among the people. Then Nebaohadnez- gar, mighty king and a great under taker, set up huge orematory and had a great bonanza The trains all brough, the dead from every direction, to be burned there, and Neb. was growing rich. But three skeptical Hebrews were heard to mock at the idea of cremation having any effect on the health of the world, and Neb. got mad and caused them to be cast into the crematory alive. They seemed to enjoy the novelty of the thing, and didn't burn at all (so the story goes, which all good children know is truel This disgussed Nebuchadnezzar, and it is said that he never smiled again. He even quit the crematory business and refused to be comforted among his peo- pie, and went and lived with the kine, which they were kind enough to aIlo~. Neb. remarks, in his autobiography, q could nos be recognized as belosging to an csder of creation 90 foolish q to cry down cremation q not being healthy. So ] vent to eating grass with the oxen. They are consistent and stick to the old saw: 'all fesh is grass." Then the god priests and pious Christians przc- ticed cremation six hundred years. And