Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1884-07-31
WIT AND HUNIOR.

uIsaSreeaole Weatner prevented mucn
of turnout.
mo, SIR" said the professional
heavyweight litter; 'pve never visited
a pawnshop, but l often put up dumb
bells for money"
An eastern paper conveys the in
formation that the spring boils is now
blushing. The assertion was written
in humorous vein.
"But you are sure she'll accept youe"
asked Dufix of Frank, who was about
to ''pop." accept meP You bet she
will! She's like my clothes-ready-
maidr'
A magazine-writer declares that
William Tell never shot an apple off
his sons head.-Foho. Dyes, he did.
That is where the schutzen core orig
mated.
Landlady-It's singular but true,
Mr.. Crossgrain, that all my boarders
remain with me. New Boarder Cat first
meaD-Too weak to leave, l guess, af-
ter the first week.
A poet sends a contribution entitled
"Why Do Livep" This is easy to an
swer. 1t is because he sends his con-
tributions to this office instead of bring
ing them in person.
When young girl finds four-leaf
clover it is sign that she will be mar
ried within year. 1t is strange that
some families don't hire farm and
SOW it all to clover.
An immigrant wagon bearing the
motto. SIN got is our trust" has ex-
cited wide notice in Dakota. The
judgment of one of the old politicians
of the territory is that the man must
have got lost.
"How in the world did they come to
name you SusannahP" asked Mrs. In
terrogation-point "Really, 1 don't
know how precisely" replied the young
lady, very demurely; "but 1 suspect it
was because happened to be girl"
Don't give me any of your ipr'>
said an ugly country school-teacher to
pert young miss who had ''sassed'
him. 'Oh, you needn't worry" she
retorted. Il would not kiss you even
if the freckles on your face were gold
dollars"
1t is said of trimming store clerk
in Denver, that on seeing party of la
dies approaching him on the street he
dashed into an alley and hid until they
had passed. He had forgotten his cane
and could not think of meeting the
party in such nude state.
'Do you use capital or little letters
when writing the name of state?"
asked q new reporter. What state is
itp" ''Rhode Island" Use little
letters, of course-don't crowd the
state" "But there are two capitals in
Rhode Island" "Oh, ah-ahem-yes,
so there are-but we can't help it."
Fipps, who had been lunching with
a friend upon frogs legs: Everything
you see is of some use in this world,
even the frog" Friend, who is dispu-
tatious: Il don't agree with you. OF
what use is the mosquito to usp"
Fipps: "Ah! my dear fellow, you take
a wrong view of things. just think
how useful we are to the mosquito. ~
Boston Gazette.
1t was Shakespeare who remarked:
''Better three hours too soon than one
minute too late.' Shakespeare never
waited three hours in rural railway
station on cold night, where dozen
men and boys were smoking vile pipes
and splitting tobacco juice against a
red-hot stove, or he would have said:
"Better never than three hours too
soon."
Drug store boy to prescription clerk
Here's a prescription, and the man
says he wants to know how long it will
take to put it up. Prescription clerk,
meditatively-Let me see-it is about
dinner time. Five minutes to 60 over
to dinner, eighteen minutes to eat din
ner, five minutes to get back, and two
minutes to put up the prescription.
Tell the man it will take about half an
hour to put it up.
Il want a Henry Two Eyes hat"
said she. The assistant, altogether at
fault, replied: If you will excuse me
a moment, I will see if we have it in
stock" and went away to see if any
body could tell her the shape nearest
to Henry Two Eyes kat. 1t was as
good as Christmas riddle, and wanted
as much pzzling over as society paper
acrostic, but at last they made it out
that what was required was Henri II.
Byron's good sayings have been in
all mems mouths-in the mouths of
some who have claimed them as their
own. Many were admirable puns,
others had better claim to remem-
brance. The last time l met him-a
long time ago-I sat next him at din
uer. $50 Poole, the tailor, is dead!'
remarked our host. Indeed! What
did he die ofp'' "Of fit," said Byron
at once; 'what else could tailor die
ofp"
A Philadelphian who couldn't meet
a little bill of $15 or $40 felt called up-
on to explain that he had been dragged
down by the failure of a certain crock
cry house. "And the crockery house,
you know" he added, "was involved
by the suspension of the Drovers'
Bank" "Why, 1 didn't know that
you had any business dealings either
with the firm or the bank" "You
|didn'tP Why, the senior partner had
made all arrangements to back note
for $100 with me at the bank! If that
wasn't business dealings I'd like to
know what you call it."
This country will not be success
until English editorial writer's pay
more atteption to American politics.
A staff correspondent of one of the
great London dailies visited this coun-