Bismarck tribune., 1884-04-11

NEWS COMMENTS.
FRED GEBHARDT is advertising for fighting
editor.
A FARGO printer was discharged for splitting
asliver of the Office towel to pick his teeth
with.
In Siberia man can buy . wife for eight
dogs, and they are considered dog cheap at
that.
BEEoHER says the handsomest man be ever
saw attended one Of his lectures in Dakota,
(AhemD ....> ....5"
SENATOR FAIR is going to remarry his divorced
wife. He will probably do the Fair thing by her
this time. '-
GERsrER is searching the records of ages for
name for her baby. Call it Bawlivar-or is it
that kind of a baby?
CHARLES BRADIAUaH was an enthusiastic
Sunday school teacher when he was sixteen years
old. Now look at him!
B1NNs, the English hangman. has been dis
charged for drunkenness. The sanctity of the
psllows must be sustained.
SARA BERNHARDT Is learning to play the cor
net, and now We believe every horrible thing
that has ever been said of her.
"THERE are 1856 idiots in this country"
says a floating item. Some one has been taking
census of the greenback party, eh?
THERE is not Baptist church in the Black
Hills county, This is carrying an aversion to
water to a painfully extreme limit.
The Philadelphia Call thinks that young
man sticking close to his girl for an entire
evening is nice kind of a court plaster.
MARY ANDERSON says she isn't bit afraid of
Bismarck. There's true bravery for you-more
than some of our statesmen seem to possess.
IT is claimed that Jay Gould used to be
milkman. His propensity for watering stock is
perhaps after all but simple force of habit.
A GENTLEMAN from Ohio has just discovered
long lost brother in St.Paul. He recognized him
by the strawberry mark on the end Of his nose.
A CHICAGO man has discovered wonderful
force that is going to supplant the steam engine
He has probably been experimenting with his
breath.
Now the hillsides' smilirg faces
Do their 7ernal coats resume,
And the timid little daisies
B-B-Blocm.
VANDERBILT says he is neither republican
nor democrat. This is the worst blow the
greenback party has received since the last
election.
The people of Missouri announce that they
are training live jackass for the supreme court
benct. Has reform really dawned upon that
state at Ias.?
An Indiana woman in breach-of- promise
suit swore that the defendant kissed her 3O,0OO
times. General Sherman isn't the only great
hero in America.
PRESIDENT ARTHUR's son writes poetry, but
this should not be laid up against bis excellency
The boy may be to big to lick and not old
enough too know better.
SUICIDES have become so FRI quent in Colorar
do that it is proposed to make of it crime
punishable with death. This is a severe remedy,
but suicide must be suppressed.
CALL; Oyclon g are getting unpieasant!y
near Philadelphia. If the worst comes to the
worst we can get Talmage over here and
have him deliver a lecture facing westward.
Chicago has woman who claims to be Ca
lamity Jane. If the genuine Jane hears OF this
the Chicago fraud had better climb a telegraph
pole and pull the pole up after her.
BURLINGTON FREE PRESS: "SomethiDg ought
to be done to keep our young men at home in
the evening"" says an exchange. True, it is
pity to see so much good material going TO
waist.
W1GGIAs says he has never yet seen truthful
newspaper. If the prophetic genius who so per-
sistentIy strives to nonplus the truth will send
his address to this office, sample copy will be
mailed him.
The cable has failed to announce the engage
ment of Miss Mary Anderson to an English
nobleman since last Tuesday. This is gross
neglect of duty on the part Of the associated
press agent in London.
A VIRGINIA woman who has passed her 99th
birthday drinks eight cups Of strong coffee
daily, and has done so for the past twenty years.
1t is feared if she keeps this up it will in time
send her to a premature grave
ARKANsAw TRAVELLER: "The photographic de-