St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1884-04-26
Some "reminiscences Of Artemus Ward.

'ioAAS. DoCs oh uouS hho" "has w
came of the panorama upon which ho
gland. but since his death has never
been heard of. Here is the programme:
to introduce the subject. but really to give the
accomplished crankist time to unroll the first
picture.
THE STEAMSHIP ARIEL AT SEA.-Out on the
Briny. The sea rough. Passengers unable to
remain inside their staterooms or outside
their victuals. An immense sea-serpent in
our akeanother in our sleep Land ho.-NB.
The hoe is now in Artemus Ward possession
with old Panama himself, who makes all the
hats.
Old Pan is likely sort of a man.
Life and things in Ell Dorado-The Chinese
Drama-Light Celestial Comedy. in seven
hundred and two acts: by Chinese gentle.
man of this city. Good quarters to be found
here.
and homicide.
VIRGINIA CrTY.-A wild place: Game
abundant; principally Faro and Blun-Shoot-
ing prevalent in consequence-Every man
carries revolver and every other man two
Silver mines.-The treasure carefully guard
ed. each proprietor keeping silver watcn.
THE GREAT DEsERT.-AA dreary waste OF
sand-a perfectly shameful waste, in fact.
They ought to save it.
BIRD'S-EYE VIEW OF GREAT SALT LAKE
CITY.-A rather pretty picture, with some en-
tirely serious descriptive talk.
MAIN STREET, WEST SIDE.-This being
view of Main Street, west side. is naturally
view of the west side of Main Street.
VIII.
MAIN STREET. EAST SIDE.-The Salt Lake
House. Lots of salt in this house-salt cell
lars in fac.. A temperance hotel-nothing
stronger sold than butter, which was rather
requested to turn off the candles before re-
tiring at night Washing not allowed in
rooms. You must go out on the porch and
wash with caSt-iron soap. though they call II
cast-Steel.
TIE MORMON THEArER.-Mormons as thea
ter-goers. Effects of the Drama on their man
nerS, etc. 1t accounts for the WAY they act.
Also. for their calling certain place the
'BottomiesS Parquette.'
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S HAREM.-One OF the
most interesting places in Utah, especially to
Brigham Young. Two dwelling houses and a
school house. In the latter addition is illus
tratcd by Brigham wives. and multiplication
by his children. The pretty girls in Utah
mostly marry Young.
L.
has a great many wives. who are very dear to
him: much more expensive than a less mum.
ber would be: he is one OF the most numerous
parents in Utah. Seventy-siN NormoneSseS
share Mr.. Kimball'S lot. We do not know how
many acres there are in this lot. but there
ought to he lot of them for such a lot OF
wives, who should they follow the saline ex-
ample of Lots wife. will make Salt Lake CITY
salt indeed. On being tenderly condoled with
on the death of one of his wives Mr.. kimoa!l
said: 80. never mind. I've got plenty more
of EN- at home"
THE TABERNACLE.-This is the great Nor
mon meetiny-house. The Elders and Young
crs preach here. 4 Brass Band is at one
end Of the building and the Pulpit at the
other. Thus there is Brass at both ends. The
Mormon sisters sit by themselves in the mid.
die of the house. Rows by any other name
wouldn't be as sweet.
THE GREAT SALT LAKE.-Curious body O:
NATURALIZATION proves il to coptain
large number of old salts. No fish can liEein
it except salt Goldfish. mackerel and red hex-
rings There are mermaids there. though
they have Salt Rheums. lnjuns live on the
bank of this lake. Little Injuns seen in the
distance trund!ing their war-whoops.
THE ENDOWMENT HoUsE-In this building
the Mormon is instructed into the mysterious
rites-and wrongs-of his faith.
THE DESERT AGAIN.-Handsomer than the
first view. 1t doesn't "howr' as much. In
dians on the wsrpath "Methinks h.. see % a war,
LECTURER IN b. They would'st)
ANSWERS To CORRESPONDENTS.
Saccharissa.-"I have no home: where shall
Co.' If you want a Home Sweet Home,"
you had better go on a sugar plantation.
Laura Matilda-.I have an unfortunate
tendency, even on trivial occasions. to shed
tears. How can prevent II! LOCK up the
Traveler.-"How long was Artemus Ward in
Californian" Five feet ten-and-a.half :.
Specuator.-"Is petroleum frequent i'm
caves No; but caves are frequent in
petroleum.
RULES OF THIS HOUSE.
Children in arms not admitted, if the arms
Children under one year OF age are not ad-
mitted unless accompanied by their parents
Ladies or gentlemen will please report any
negligence or disobedence on the part of the
lecturer.
money. jewelry. or other yaluables. unless
left with him-to be returned in a week or so.
Persons who think they will enjoy them
selves more by leaving the hall early in the
noise as possible.
1t is doubtful if more fun was even
crowded into the same space-or do
YOU happen to know a current humor-
ist that could write funnier one? /
well remember the first time heard
him. He appeared on the stage look
inc crest-fallen and with face turned
toward the door at which he entered.
ssThe gentleman who was to have in
troduced me seems to have absented
himself" then, after hesitating pause,
he added, 81 am Artemus Ward, the
lecturer of the evening" 1t was diff
cult to believe there was much music in
this serious-faced young gentleman.
But what roars of laughter he pro.
voked! There was a joke in his lecture
which. once good, had been rendered
absolutely pointless by some event that
had happened. He carefully repeated
the joke, while every one in the audi.
ence was saying to himself. ..You might
much better have omitted that, Arte.
mus The joke uttered, the joker
paused, a distressed look passed over
his face, and he observed in frank,
pathetic way. That little anecdote OF
mine isn't as good as it was" The ef-
feet was irresistible. Of the countless
good stories attributed to him the best
to nv mind is the one which tells of the
advice he gave to a Southern railroad
conductor soon after the war. The
road was in wretched condition, and
the trains consequently were run at q
phenomenally low rate of speed. When
the conductor was punching his ticket
Artemus remarked: ''Does this railroad
company allow passengers to give it
advice, if they do so in respectful
manner?" The conductor replied in
gruff tones that he guessed SO. ..Well,"
Artemus went on, sit occurred to me it
would be well to detach the cow-catcher
from the front of the engine and hitch
it to the rear of the train. For
you see we are not liable to over