Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-06-26
Drunk in a Plug Hat.

/ 49, ASAtSt IpA AIGIS Qt every IOdu. GUa-
yalllng regret and red-nosed remorse
inhablt the cot of the tie-chopper as
well as the cut glass cage of the mil
llonalre. The woods are full of disap-
| polntment. The earth is convulsed
with the universal Sob and the roads
are muddy with tears But do not
call to mind more touching picture of
unavailing misery and ruin and chaos
than the plug hat that has endeavored
to keep sober and maintain its selfre-
spect while its owner is drunk A plug
hat can stand prosperity, and shine
| forth ioYously while nature smiles.
That's the place where it seems to
thrive A silk hat looks well on
thrifty man with a clean collar, but it
cannot stand dissipation.
once knew plug hat that had been
| respected by every one and had won its
way up by steady endeavor. No one
knew aught against it till one evening,
in an evil hour, it consented to attend
banquet, and all at once its joyous ca
reer ended. 1t met nothing but dis
trust and cool neglect everywhere after
that.
Drink seemed to make the man tenn
porarily, unnaturally exhilarated. Dur
ing the temporary exhilaration he de-
sires to attract attention by eating
lobster salad out of his own hat and sit
ting down on his neighhors.
The demon rum is bad enough on the
coatings Of the stomach. but it is even
| more disastrous to the tall hat. A man
may mix up in a crowd and carry off an
| overdose OF valley tan in soft hat or
cap, but the silk hat will proclaim it
upon the housetops and advertise it TO
the gaping, wondering world 1t has
way of getting back on the rear eleya-
| ton of the head, or even the bridge of
the nose. or Of hanging coquettishly on
one ear that says to the eaglc-eyed pub
| lie, Il am chock full"
can not ell to mind more power
full lecture on temperance than the 81
lent pantom!me of man trying to
hang his PLUG hat on an invisible peg
in his own ha.l after lie had been watch
ing the returns three years ago. saw
| that he was excited and nervouslv I'M
strung when he came in, but | did not
fully recognize it until he began to hang
his hat on the smooth wall
At first he laughed in good natured
way at his own awkwardness and hung
| it mp again carefully; but at last he be-
came irrltated about it, and almost for
got himself enough to swear, but con
trolled himself Finding, however, that
| it refused to hang up he put it in the
corner of the hall with the crown up,
pinned it to the noor with his umbrel-
la, and heavea sigh of relief. Then
| he took off his overcoat, and, through
l II ,1fSl
also. / showed him his mistake and
offered TO assist him lack into lis APP
| parel but he said he hadn't got so old
and feeble yet that lie couldn't dress
| himself,
Later on lie came into the parlor
wearing n lieen ulster, with the belt
| dropping behind him like the broken
| harness hanging te shipwrecked and
| stranded niue lis wife looked at him
in way that froze his blood. This
| startled him . that he stepped back
| pace or two, tangled his feet in his cir
| cingle ciatchcd wildly at the empty
| gas light. hut missed it. and sat down
in tai ma ;olica cuspidor
| There were tareo games OF whist GO
| ing on when lie tell. and there was a
| good deal of excitement over the play
| ing; but after he had been pulled out of
| the American tearing and led away,
| every one OF the twelve whist players
had forgotten what the trump was.
They say fiat lie has abandoned poll
tics since then and that now he doesn't
| care whether we lave any moro No
yember elections ca not. asked him
once if he would be active during the
| 1854 campaign. rs usual, and lie said he
| thought not He aid :. man couldn't
afford to BE- too active in political
| campaign. His constitution wouldn't
| stand it.
At that time he didn't care much
whether the American people had
President or not. If every publicspir-
| tied citizen had rot to work himself up
| into d state Of nervous excitabilitv and
| prostration where reason totterd On its
| throne, he thought that We needed 4 re-
| form.
Those who wished to furnish reasons
| to totter on their thrones for TIE Ma
| tional Central Committee at so much
| per tot could do so; he. for one, didn't
propose to farm out his immortal soul
and plug hat to the party If G0,000,00O
| people had to stand four years under
the administration Of 4 setting hem
| Bill NYc
ACCORDING to an English statistican,
who has been at pains TO collect data
on the subject, early risers live the
longest.
Orr in Colorado they make Shak-
| speare read, 1T is the mines wealth
makes a body rich"
TAKE care to be an economist in pros
oerity; there is no fear Of your being
! lne in adYersitY. -Zinnefnlan.