The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-12-06
A SUGGESTION.
Bob Burdette Gives a Little Good-Natured
Advice to Railroad Directors.

mlSnty railway corpOratlons WhO ruic
this land with rail of iron and have,
Of recent years, become coldly reserved
and icily exclusive on the vital question
Of free passes.
Not long erst, when the bloom was
on the golden rod and September notes
were beginning to fall due, journeyed
toward the land of the South and the
Prince likewise was with me. Now the
days of the years of the Princes pill
grimage have been few and jolly, and
have not yet attained unto the days of
the years of his fathers pilgrimage; but
they. will, if he lives and keeps on
growing. He was born few months
longer than seven years ago, which was
such famous year for colts. But his
complexion is fair and his stature linn
tied and his figure slight, insomuch
that he appeareth to be of five years or
under. Now when / got me upon the
train bought no half ticket
AS we journeyed to the South land
the conductor approached woman
sitting in the seat in front of me. She
had two little girls with her. Their
ages were apparently eight and ten
years. The younger was reading a
book. They were large girls. Not tall
for their ages, but pretty massive for
the free ride age. 1t was evident they
were half-fare candidates, on fair
count. In answer to the conductors
question, the mother, presenting her
own ticket, said that her girls were
each under six years young. The man
with the punch said they were very
large for their ages, and the woman
said that size had nothing to do with it;
if they were tall as giants and under
six years they were entitled to ride free,
and she hoped she knew the ages of her
own children. And the peculiarly red
signal emphasis she placed on her
double hopes made the conductor
SILVER. He waved his punch with an
apologetic gesture, and to his great
pleasure, seeking somel relief from his
embarrassment, he saw me. All! now
he could quarrel with man. He
could fire me off if refused to pay half
fare for my boy.
How old is that child!' he demand
ed, in pay or walk accent.
''Dear me-" said, "what question
to ask father. How old is your young
est childP"
y I knew he couldn't tell without think
ing it over for five minutes, and so /
gained time. He had the look of an old
married man with big family, SO when
I saw his face begin to clear up, and
knew he was coming at me again, | fired
at him, with:
''How many children have youp'
That threw him once more, and saw
him furtively count up to seven on his
fingers; but l was little slow getting
into battery for the next shot, and before
[ could ask him their names he charged
right into my lines.
''Never mind about my Children" he
said. II want to know how old that
boy is"
l said: Conductor, sit down. l can't
tell you, and you know why. If tell
you he is only three there will be
dreadful lie on my conscience, and
won't get my hair shirt off for week.
Ii tell you the truth and say that he is
seven and half that woman with the
two big five year-old girls will consider
it direct insult. You have accepted
her statement; now, you couldn't have
the broad and massive brow to charge
my boy half fare, though 1 swore he
were forty. One liar on a train is
enough. Do not press your question
and get me into trouble. l must either
scar my conscience with false state
ment, or get into row with the man.
ma of yonder eighteen years of girls
He saw the embarrassing position
into which he was forcing both of us,
and with gentlemanly consideration left
me.
Now, you see the trouble is all here
In adopting rule for dead-head and
half fare children the railway companies
have acted foolishly and adopted
most absurd standard. That of age.
What does young unmarried conductor
know about the ages of childrenP What
conductor, old or young, can dispute
the statement of a motherP What has
age to do with it, anyhow Is that
standard adopted with any class of pas
sengers save human beingsp Does it
cost any more to transport ten year
old horse than a five year old coltp
The standard should be either size or
weight. Then the conductors task
would be an easy one. Make the rule
that all children over three feet in height
or weighing more than forty pounds
should pay half fare. In every car
Fairbanks scale, in every punch tape
measure. '.How tall is your little girl,
MADAME" "Just two feet eleven and
three-quarter inches, sir. ''Stand up,
little DEAR Out comes the tape
measure and little dear, STOPPING as her
mother bids her in vigorous, masronly
pantomime, stands up to four feet two
inches of tape line. "What does the
little boy weight" ''Thirty-nine pounds
ten and five-eighth ounces. ''Hop on
to these scales, my son. All, that's just
it; seventy-three pounds nine ounces.
Seven dollars and half, madam"
l trust the railroads can see the wis
dom Of this suggestion. don't sup
pose l will save a cent by it. In fact,
can dodge the half fare more easily
now under the present absurd rule,
which really is nothing but premium
offered on lying. The man who tells
the truth is compelled by the company
to pay half fare for his children, while
the man who lies about it has his chill
dren carried free. l am interested
neither in the railroads nor the passen-
gers, but this is an age OF reform, and
/ am constantly casting my Brooklyn
Eagle eye about for something to re-
form.
The tocsin sounds from the tower. 1t
is my hour to:.put peas. IN my shoes and
walk around the block until tea-time,
for telling a book-canvasser yesterday
that had just received copy of the
book, forests Footprints of the
Algonquins, +" from the author who was
an old college chum and an army COM
radA of mine The aren't looked mo II,