Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1884-11-05
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

HUMOROUS ITEMS.
IT is stated that William Thaw, of
Pittsburg, is worth $25. 100000. It will
be cold day when Thaw gets left.
New YORK coachmen do not appear
to be very particular. They just marry
any million heiress who happens to
come along and ask them.-[ Burling-
ton Hawkeye.
GLOW does the milk get into the
cocoanut?" asks subscriber. 1t does
not get into it at all. The cocoanut
grows around the milk. Ask us hard
one.-l Burlington Hawkeye.
A VERMONT man thinks he has at last
found the location of the garden of
Eden. It is in the Manitou Islands,
Mich, which are without saloon, doctor
or lawyer Burlington Free Press.
WHE-"John, our coachman must
go!" "But why, my dear? Our only
daughter is married" "Yes, but-John,
I'm not SO very old myself, you knowp
Huntington Free Press.
DUD1sH burglars are adding insult to
injury. One of them now serenades
the inmates in front of the house while
his confederate enters and robs it from
the rear [Pittsburg Chronicle.
WHEN Fogg bought some candy,
which was apparently one-third terra
alba, he handed it back, after tasting of
it, with the remark: II only want what
I pay for. I don't want the earth"
The annual consumption of cigars in
the United States is said to be sixty to
every man, woman and child in the
country. We think the ladies would
be ashamed of themselves Burling-
ton Free Press.
"You ought to put sign over that
hatchway," said policeman to a store
keeper, "or some one may tumble into
it," Gall right" replied the merchant;
and he tied one of his "FaQ Opening"
cards to the railing.
DEACON with husky voice. to minis
ter: 'We want you at our church"
Minister-'sI can't hear you" Deacon
-''The salary is $4,000 year" Minis
ter Gumping) +, "Ill go right along with
you now Boston Globe.
A FATHoM-L1NE for the fathomless
depths: Highland preacher, excitedly
rebuking the erring-" You are on your
way to the bottomless pit, and if you
don't take care and stop short, you'll 60
down and down till you reach the very
bottom"
A STRANGER in small town, having
lost his way, accosts U gentleman on the
street. "Please, my good man, he says
"ten me the way to the post-ofice."
II am not good man, says the person
accosted, with conscious dignity; "Iam
the mayor"
do you ever purchase articles?" he
asked timidly, as he entered the edito-
rial room. occasionally" said the editor
kindly, when they suit our columns.
What have you got-a poem?" mo,
sir-parlor matches, cent box, or six
boxes for nickel"
ION what grounds do you leave me
without the customary weeks notice?"
Indignantly asked Thirteenth Ward
clearinghouse mistress of a leaving
boarder. "Coffee grounds, mum, coffee
grounds" he tartly replied Brooklyn
Times.
"You are very late sending your
evening male out" said the editor to
his daughter when he came home at two
i'll the morning and meta timid, shrink
ing young man between the front door
and the gate. "Not at all" answered
the thoughtful girl; "Charles Henry is
now morning edition."
| A ScoTCHMAN, so goes the story
standing by the family grave, said
"There lie my gran father and my gran
mither, and my ain father and mither
and there lies my brither Bob, and my
puir girl JEANNE, and there lies my
wife; and, if Tn spared, here I'll lie
too"
| A YORKSHIRE man whose well lately
caved in contrived to make the authori
ties suspect that he had murdered mar
and put his body at the bottom of thu
well, and took things easy at the jai
while they dug his well out for him
He now talks of suing the town for false
imprisonment.
ALAOK and alas! we have never seer
in print an account of how the average
editor spends his nights when he is re-
ieved from the days worry of mind. r.
Sunny Cline Girls. That's one OF the
things that editors wives have beer
trying to find out since ever so long
Dear girls, you want to know too much
~ st. Louis Magazine.
! THEY met in q dark alley. "You1
money or your lifev demanded the
highwayman. The man in the silk hat
gave up his money and drew him into
conversation. When the highwayman
emerged from the alley he stopped tC
count his money. It was gone-his owl
with it, every cent. Who was the mar
in the silk hat? A bank cashier.