Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-02-28
Business in the lime Kiln Club.

i would respectfully announce,
said Brother Gardner, as the triangle
sounded its closing note, dat de Ri.
Hon. Blackboard Scruggs am in de
aunty-room an desiahs TO deliber his
celebrated lccktur' on de subjick Of
CONS, chilblain5 and SIGH Shall he be
admitted an purmitted?'
JUDGE Cadaver moved that the lect-
urer be invited to speak his piece, and
the motion unanimously prevailed. The
committee was requested to escort him
in, and rs he passed up the hall, blow
ing to the right and left, he seemed to
be man about forty-fve years old.
bald-headed, a mouth large enough to
take in school-reader, with promi-
nent nose and limp to his left leo.
After being introduced he reached over
and drank the pint of cold tea which
Waydown Bebee had brought down for
his individual use, and began:
TELLER NATIVES: My objick in ar
royin heah at dis pertickler time am to
discuss matter dat clusly consarns de
hull culPd race of dis kentrv. De con
seems to be carniverous, omniverous,
an mighty familiar on short notice. 1t
lies down wild de rich, gifts up wild de
poo, an stands right by you widout
strikin' for higher wages. What
causes CONS? In olden times de con
was supposed to be a speshul mark Of
good luck. De Teller who could show
six OF seven of 'em on one heel was
made CUB nor ODER province an al
lowed to keep half dozen dogs. De
little bunch was said to contain pearl
seventeen carrots fine, an people went
round cryin' an lamentin' bekase dey
had no CONS.
In desc modern days we know dat
cons am caused by temporary sus-
penshun of de circulashun of the blood,
mixed wild mo- or less reackshun an
abrashun. So fur as we know de pearls
found on de inside can't be used for
fish bait, an am darfO' dead loss to
de kentry. When you heah any one
gwine around cryin' you kin bet spot
ted calf agin q peck OF dirt dat dey
amt weepn' fur cons.
de chilblain differs slightly from de
con-" continued the orator, dropping
a troche into his mouth. sit doan'
bunch up an come to head in one
pertickler spot. While de con am sat
isfied to cotch on to a toe an hang dar
fur month or two, de chiIblain comes
purrin' round de heel, good-natured as
an ole cat 1t kinder ticlIles We fur q
day or two, an you step higher an feel
like tax n your ladder out of the poo
house. But while you am wishin' YOU
could buy 400 barrels of flour fur 400
widders an orphans dat chilblain be-
gins to hunt around fur mo- ground.
After he KiYers de heel he creeps ford
TO de instep, skulks to dc toes, an fust
you know You am huntin' for a butte
Jack and a currycomb. he has come
TO stay all winter an late into spring.
You can't coax, hire nor scare him
away. In Olden days de chilblain was
supposed to arise from too much brains
in de head. De man who had EN- was
considered u sort of dOuble-ender
statesman, an people looked up to his
heels as well as his head In desc
times we know dat de chilbIain am
caused by a sort of spontaneous emblem
atical corruscashun of dc epidermis
at critical period. All dat brains has
to do in de case am to invent a cure fur
de complaint.
4 had intended to disgress a few
translashuns on de subjeck OF bunionS,
bow-legs, sittin' down on dog an
pickin' up hot cent in front of sa-
loon, but | see dat de time allowed by
your rules am almost dispired. Let me
add, in conclushun, dat / am purvided
wild box of knives, gimlets, draw
shaves, pick-axes, acids, pincers an
razors, togeder wild a full supply of
salyes, plasters, wax, an so fo'th an
arter dc close Of de meetin' I shall be
pleased to experiment on all members
free OF expense. | will now remark:
Caln2 soils curanter pl2u,bus Cicero ire
mems sjmdj6uS General Jackson, and
thank YOU for your needless attentions
to my unfeeling remarks