Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-02-28
WIT AND HUMOR.

-aW ny yours.
The small boy who hangs around the
parlor and makes faces at his sisters
beau should be punished for contempt
of court
what beautiful thing, nv dear.
is rosy cheekr' Yes. husband. but
how great the contrast when the blush
settles on the nose.
A man named Gasbill wished to
| change his name because his girl al
ways objected to his figure whenever
he'd meter. She said he was too high.
and turned him off.
Probably the meanest thing that a
man ever said was uttered by Fogg the
other day. Being asked his idea of the
best remedy for polygamy he replied:
Mrs. Fogg."
The deep bass Of the organ ceased
suddenly in church in Lewiston, Me-,
when a lady's voice was heard by the
whole congregation, distinctly, to de-
clare, 81 don't care one bit; do want
piano"
Tying a mans hands behind his back
and placing him where he can snap at
doughnuts, tied on a string tied on a
level with his mouth, the string being
agitated by friend, is new holiday
game in the interior of California.
A medical writer says that girls are
so constructed that they cannot jump.
If he is a respectable young man let
him propose matrimony to one of the
girls and he'll soon see her jump-at
the offer.
She-I am fond of poetry. He--Are
you, indeed? So am L Do you like
Burns? She-No, indeed; they are so
EXPRESSING. But, then, am not troubled
much with them, as ma does all the
cooking.
An advertisement in a Swiss paper
says: "Wanted, a servant who knows
how to cook and take care of children"
In the cannibal islands domestic pos
sessed of such double gift would not
long remain without employment
ElVennor Mahdi, the False Prophet of
Egypt, is possessed of one commenda-
bic trait, anyhow. He may butcher
his captives and pillage towns, but he
has never published an almanac. There
is some latent good in all men.
A magazine writer asks: "How shall
we utilize the Indians?' This is a
difficult question to answer, but per-
haps the best plan would be to petrify
them and sell them for cigar-store
signs. This idea is worthy of consid-
GRAFTON, anyhow.
The man who goes round tapping
the car wheels and lightning bolts at
every stop on line of railroad is put
down on the payroll as q monkey
wrencher," just as the young woman
in a telephone central office is set down
in the books as ''hellOoer."
A farmers daughter in the west of
England received hairy poodle dog
from friend in town. The unsophis-
ticated damsel wrote back, thanking
her friend for the present, and saying
that she found it very handy, when
tied to a stick, to clean windows with.
Dentist-''The man who wins that
girl will get treasure" Customer
''She looks like q very charming Great
ure, that is q fact. Is she weaIthy?"
Dentist Wealthy! Well, | should
say so. She has $500 worth of gold in
her teeth alone"
Merited Rebuke-First Amateur (af-
ter soprano tornado): Thank good
ness! That's over! Regular screech
owl, isn't she?" Second Amateur:
you idiot! That's just all you know
about it. Why, her fathers worth tril-
Iions"
''Now, wouldn't you call me good
looking?" asked an uptown swell of
his companion at a bail. Il certainly
should-all except one feature" an
swered she (Which is that?" he
asked. She eyed him over quizzically
Tor moment and then frankly replied,
Your cheek!'
A hotel man in Philadelphia who has
hcCn troubled with guests blowing out
the GAS IS said TO have Obviated the
difficulty by posting this notice: 1.-The
| relatives and friends of the guests
who blow ont the gas will have to pay
for the amount wasted before the body
will be delivered"
A lady writes to know how is the
best way to preserve piano. The best
way to preserve the D ano is to cut it
| in quarters, take out the core, and boil
the pieces until they are about half done.
Then make syrup of sugar and pour
! it over the pieces, after which they can
be put up in cans or jars. Pianos pre-
served this way will keep all winter.
A pearl necklace owned by New
York lady is valued at 100000, and
yet the pleasure she derives from wear
ing it is as skim milk beside golden
! cream when compared with the pleas
ure the Dakota girl experiences while
wearing a necklace composed of a
strong, honest arm. This is semi-offi-
cial, but it can be relied on as being
Bismarck Tribune.
'sAh, old fellow" said a gentleman,
meeting another, $50 you are married
at last. Allow me to congratulate you
| for hear you have an excellent and
accomplished wife. Il have, indeed, ="
was the reply; ''she is so accomplished.
Why, sir, She is perfectly at home in
literature; at home in music; at home
in art; at home in science-in short, at