New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-10-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

Nothing like homeopathy for a
weak, young woman.
Canada is entitled to the name Of
.'The land of the free and the home of
the knaye. . The American knave has
too much freedom over there.
A New York paper says that all the
dressnakers are busy. 1t is just such
little items as this that fill the breast
of the married man with dire forebod-
ings.
Belva Lockwood to dressmaker
"Oh, gracious, don'twant such long
train to my dress. I am running for
President you know, and it will be in
the way. '-Isras S!ftings.
There is no better test of a woman's
health than her ability to eat hearty
breakfast.-Dr. Hammond. Except her
ability to get up in the morning and
cook one. Philadelphia Call.
There is nothing impossible to the
determined spirit, says a philosopher.
Evidently that philosopher has never
tried to reach up behind his shoulder
to get hold of the end of broken sus-
pender.
AS a worker, says an exchange, a
woman is apt to undertake too much.
This is especially true when she keeps
a boarding house and attempts tomake
a fve-cent bone make soup for twenty
b0arders.
A Texas cowboy went into a side
show to see living two headed calf,
but only saw a dead one stuffed. He is
suing the Snowman, who says in de-
Tense that he didn't say that the calf
was living.
The modern cOachman drives his en-
ployer's horses to the halter, and his
employers daughter to the altar. Or,
to tackle different figure, he brides
the horses and bridals the daughter.
Loa0eN Courier.
Mother (pathetically, to 3-year-old
tease): ..Now, Willie, if you do not
stop worrying your poor mamma, she
will get sick and de- Young tease
(solemnly): "And then who will papa
marry, mamma?"
''What are you doing there?'' de-
manded the grocer of the new clerk.
II am putting little sand in the SUI
gar. Amt that right?'' Fright?
Great Scott! No! You take little of
the sugar and put it in the sand.''
Only a few years ago there were nu-
merous articles in the papers tending
to prove that the American people were
becoming more mirthful. Now. it is
claimed that they are becoming sadder.
Comic opera is making our people a
fearful race.
Small girl you awfully glad
to be on land sometimes? Uncle-Why,
! hat. DO nne@ns + dasseF mysqM {
am on land most of the time. Small
girl-You are! Why, papa says that
whenever he sees you, you are about
half seas over.
eyes, SIR said the entomologist, II
can tame flies so that when I whistle
they will come and light on my
hand" ':Pshaw!" said the bald-headed
man, ''that's nothing. They come and
alight on my head without my whis-
Ting" The entomologist sat down.
An exchange contains an article en-
titled Chow to Breathe We didn't
suppose there was so much ignorance
in the world. When man don t know
how to breathe the best health resort
for him is lot in cemetery. He
would spoil if kept many days above
ground.
'.My dear Mrs. e. exclaimed a
lady visitor, show do you manage to
preserve your strength so perfectly at
your time of life?" ..By outstanding
it, replied Mrs. K, pointing
through the open door to male fig
ure laboriously engaged in washing
dishes.
Scene: Table d'hote at fashionable
hotel on Deeside; big market day.
Farmer of the old. school has dined.
Waiter FINISHED, STRIP Farmer
Fats the chairge?'' Waiter-..Five
shillings, please" Farmer (startled) =
Give shillings? Weel, Tn nae deem
yet Resumes operations.
It was the second week of their hon
eymoon. She floated over to the piano,
raised the cover, and softly swept her
fingers over the keys. Gently, but
firmly, he withdrew the lily hand from
the worries, and shutting down the COW
er, said: Darling, let this holy time be
one of unalloyed happiness.
NO. said an old lady, I'm not one
to talk agin my neighbors, or say any
thing behind their backs. Now, there
is Mrs. Brown, she who lives over in
the corner house. l may not like her
very we'll, but there's no reason why l
should run her down. But l do feel
mlserably sorry for poor Mr.. Brown
and the children. -
A girl at Fremont, Neb, mas taken
the first prize for blowing the largest
soap-bubble at church sociable. And
yet some persons argue that church SO
cables are productive of no real, last
ing benefit! Young men in Fremont
when looking for a wife will select some
other girl-one less liable to elbow
them up'' now and then.
Everybody knows how the sudden
cessation of laundering band of mu-
sic causes remarks to be shouted out in
tones like locomotive whistle. The
other night at hop the band crashed
out a few final bars and suddenly stop
ped, when the voice of lovely little
thing in pink was heard screaming at
the top OF her lungs: Don't my hustle
hang Ike a daisy?'' Baltimore San.
It is thought that Mr.. Keely evolved
the idea of his motor from observing
three boys trying to make two pound
black and tan dog haul them up hill on
the sled. At least that is about the
way the motor works. Thus does a
trivial circumstance often suggest to
the comprehensive brain of genius those
eternal principles which underlie the
semi-annual assessment, and precede
the slow moving and conservative divi-
dend about 100000 years.-Bob Bur-
dette.
The adopted daughter of North
Carolina farmer ran away and returned
to the family howell on the mountain.
A neighbor looking for her stray cows
came across her standing in the door,
and accepted an invitation to enter.