The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1884-03-20

Ie mNifleU tho tcncncr.
The Ilnac.kllM Club.
Il would respectfully announce,
SAIL Brother Gardner. as tho triangel
sounded its closing notes, dat do lit.
Hon. Blackboard Scrnggs am in do
aunty.room an dcsiaha to dcliher his
celebrated lccktur' on de subick OF
cons, chillblains, m sichl Shall no
DO admitted an purmittcaa'
Judge Cadavcr moved That tho lcct-
nrer DO invited to speak his piece, and
tho motion unanimously prevailed.
Tho committee were requested TO es.
cort him in, and rs ho passed up tho
hall, bowing to tho right and left, ho
seemed to be man about i5 years old,
bald.headel, q mouth large enough to
take i'll q sehool-rcader, with a promi-
nent nose, and limp to his left leg.
After being introduced no reached over
and drank the pint Of cold tea which
Waydown Bebee had brought down for
his individual use, and began:
"FELLER NATlyEs--My objock in ar
royin' heah ut dis perticklcr time am to
uAs1u0S ~ AiAlNCI iWt NlUSiN NNLhWIuS Ue
hull Guild race Of dis kentry. do con
seems to he earniverous, omniverons,
an mighty familiar on short notice. 1t
lies down wild de rich, gits up wid 10
poo, an stands right by you widout
strikin' fur higher wages. What causes
cons? In olden times do con was sup
posed to be a speshul mark Of good
luck. DE feller who could show six or
seven OF 'em on ono heel was made
gub'nor oher province. an allowed TO
keep half dozen dogs. De little
bunch was said to contain pearl sew.
eateen carrots fine, an people went
roun cryin' an lamentin, hckaso dey
had no cons.
In desc modern days we know dat
cons am caused by temporary sus-
penshun Of de citculashun OF do blood.
mixed wild mo- or less reackshun an
abrashun. So fur "a We know, de
pearls found on do inside cant be used
fur fish bait, an am darfo' dead loss
to de kentry. When you hear any one
gwine around cryin'. you kin bet a
spotted calf agin n peck Of dirt dat dey
amt weepin' fur cons.
DE chilhlain differs slightly from lie
CON-" continued the orator. after drop.
ping troche into his mouth. 1T doan
bunch up an come 10 head in one
pertickler spot. While do con am sat
lsfied to cotch on to a toe an hang dar
| for month or two. do chilhlain comes
pnrrin' ronna do heel. good naturcd as
an ole cat. 1t kinncr tickles 70 fur I
day or two, an you step higher an feel
like taken your fadler oat of do poo.
house. Bnt while YOU am wishin' yeu
could buy 100 barrels Of flour fur lut
widacrs an orphans dat chllhlain begins
to hunt around fur mo- ground. Ar,ei
he kivers do heel hc creeps ford To- ds
instep. skulks to de toes, an' fnst you
know You am hnntin' fur . hute-iaek
an currycomh. He has come to stay
all winter an late into spring. lo,
can't coax, hire ar scare him awap. Ii
ollen days dc chilhla;n was suppose,
to arise IRON too much brains in Il,
head. Do man who had 'em was con
sidered sort Of donhlc,ender states
man, an people looked up to his heels 4.
we'll rs his head. In desc times vi
know ,lat dc chilhlain am caused hy
sort II spontaneous mathematical cor
rnseashun Of de epiacrmis at a critica
period. All dat brains has to 10 in 4.
case am to invent cure fur 10 com
plant.
Il had intended to disgress a few
translashuns ON de subjeck of bunieas
bow-less, sittin' down ON n dog an pick
in up hot cent in front Of salson
but see dat do time allowed by you
rules am almost dispired. Let me aid
in conclusion. dat am purvidea vi.
a box Of knives, gimlets, draw,shaves
piek-aAes, acids. pineers, an raxors
togeler wid full supply of salves
rlast,rs. wax an So forth. an arter Il
close of ae meetin' shall DO please,
to experiment on all members free o
expense. l will now remark cun
soIis c.tranter IlaribuS Ci,ero tre
meas similibhS Glaeral Jackson
aud thank You for your Needless attsn
tions to my anfeeling remarks,-Ds
tsoit Free Press.