The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1884-01-31
8stsesIIansons. &
THE HUMORIST OF wAUKE.
GAN.

tenQer aLLacQLnenG !oL AoS"4
young lady. He was accustomed
to call upon her at least four even
inngs in the week, and to entertain
her with his brilliant conversation
from z to II o'clock. When spend
ing the evening with the object OF
his alteration, he would constantly
ask, "When is a jar not door!'
and Insist that the young lady
should give it up and let him fur
nish the answer. He a'so had a
habit of remarking in an apparent
ly careless way that it was a 'igood
day for the race" and when the
young lady, out Of her vast charity,
would ask "What race?' he would
triumphantly answer, 'tThe human
racel ha! ha!''
The young lady was timid and
gentle; she disliked scenes OF
violence and i'll humor, and she
could not bear to treat an alleged
fellow being with unkindness; but
at least she felt the time for endur-
ance was past, and that duty to
her friends required her to suppress
Mr.. Lanigan at any cost. So on
Wednesday last she gave a birth,
day party. All the young men
and young woman OF Waukegan
were invited, and went merry as a
marriage-bell.
Encouraged by a larger audience
than usual, Mr.. Lanigan opened
fresh stores of humor, and culmin-
ated his criminal career by displays
of amateur 7entriloquism. When
he asked the imaginary old man in
the chimney what he was doing up
there, OF held idiotic conversation
with pretended Peters concealed
under the sofa, or quarreled with a
hypothetic Irishman in the closet
he cast gloom over the entire
company.
Finally the ice cream was an
nounced, and the young hostess
with her own hands pressed a plate
of that soothing compound upon
the hilarious humorist.
The plate of ice cream contained
morphine, and the drug was swal
lowed without suspicion by the
doomed Lanigan. Fifteen minutes
later, Oh at precisely l0.15, ne was
seated IN an armchair profoundly
asleep. The guests recovered their
spirits. The hum of conversation
was renewed. The dance went on.
All would have been we'll had
not an i'll judged attempt to
awaken Mr.. Lanigan been made
about midnight. The attempt was
failure. A wild hope that he was
actually dead flushed the cheeks
and brought smile to the lips OF
more than one of those present,
but this hope was dashed b. DR..
| Cory a leading physician. who re-
| marked that a stomach pump
s'would fetch him. and therefore
i went home to procure that instru'
ment, in spite of the reuonstrances
of those who implored him not to
| disturb the humorist, but to quiet
ly send the undertaken with coffin
and hearse. Nevertheless, the
stomach-pump was brought; Mr..
Lanigan was carried to the back
yard and carefully pumped ont.
He was then filed with Whiskey
to counteract the effects of the
morphine, and at four o'clock in
the morning vas sufficiently recov.
cred to be wheeled home in a
wheelbarrow.
Ttis story, while it furnishes a
terrible warning to reckless hum
orists, is especially valuable to the
oppressed. Morphine can be had
at sny drug store, and a dose large
enough tor a full grown huporist
costs but q few cents. The stom
ach pump need not be used and, in,
deed should not be. It is said to
infict fearful agonies upon q pa
tient, and the man must indeed be
hard hearted who would pump a
slumberiDg humorist back to life.
'-Kenosh0 Democrat.