Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-02-21
Fairly Funny.
car-naval: A gOndola.

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An ingredient of marriage: Cupidity.
A feather-weight: The pillOwcase.
Up to the scratch: A barbed wire fence.
Alone exhibition: Picture of an old
bachelor.
Why is leaky tub like poor rule !?
Because it dOsen't hold good.
Another crate paper is to be published
in the interest Of stove mOulder.
David Davis has remarkable diameter,
but he's not quite so thick as Damon and
Pythias were.
"On her to whom honor is due" loosely
exclaimed a fond husband, as he threw
over his darling's shoulder costly import
ed wrap.
Pat-"And who is it lives there, in the
big stone house," Mike-"Why, that old
gintleman l was tellin' We OF, that died so
suddent last winter of favor.
A river called Kissmelonga has been dis
covered by Stanley in Central Africa, and
the Boston transcript knows it has heard
that name before, but not in this connection.
What's the difference between man who
tears down picket fence and one who
dresses spring chicken? One pulls the
picket and the other picks the pullet
A mans brain weighs three and half
pounds. A wOman's brain is somewhat
lighter, but of finer quality. That is what
enables her to taste lard in her neighbOr's
paste.
A French marquis was riding out one
day when he passed an old priest trOtting
along contentedly on quiet donkey. "Ha.
ha " exclaimed the marquis. How geeth
the ass, good father" On horseback, my
son, on horseback" replied the priest.
Birdie McHennepin and her brother were
at the seashore. ''Oh, see that !" exclaimed
Birdie ''See what ?" inquired the stOical
John why, see that little cloudlet just
above the wavelet like a tiny leaflet dane
ing o'er the scene" "Oh come, you had
better 90 to the pumplet in the back yard
let and soak your little headlet.'
Shakespear said: There's good in every
thing" William evidently had never
tackled railroad restaurant turnover.
A Burlington mother has miraculously
cured her youngest hopeful of smoking by
the laying on Of hands.
Il beg thousand pardons for coming so
ldlt. VI ICpllCu thC lauy
graciously, mo paroons are needed. You
can never come too late"
1T is unexpected that always happens"
remarked long neglected wife as her hus-
band kissed her when he came home one
evening.
when a man kums to me for advice"
says Josh Billings, Il find out what kind
ov advice he wants, and l give it to him
thus satisfy him that he and l are two
smart men,"
The small boy who suffers agonies under
castigation of the modern high-heeled slip
per, would give all he possesses for return
of the palmy days before such engines of
torture were invented.
A small boo who stood gazing wistfully
at large candy man in city confectioner's
window suddenly exclaimed Il could
lick that fellow with both hands tied be-
hind my back "
"You are now one" said the minister to
the happy pair he had just tied together
with knot that they never could undo.
(Which 2" asked the bride. "You
will have to settle that for yourselves"
said the clergyman.
When a mans wife comes in and sees
him, razor in band and with his face all
lather, and asks him: "Are you shaving 2"
it's provoking thing for him to answer:
NO, Pm blacking the stove," but it is in
human nature to so reply.
Scientists now boldly declare that this
earth was peopled 5O,OOO,0OO years before
Adam was born. We are not prepared
to dispute the assertion in the least. We
have always wondered how man cO1ld
learn so much deviltry in only 5000 years.
An Idaho man who had just recovered
from dangerous illness says that he was
so near the gates of death that he could
hear the twangling harps of the New Jeru-
salem. How he could mistake the roaring
of flames for the twangling of harps is
conundrum with which his friends are still