, 1884-01-10
Bill Nye's Res.gr alton.

Tu the Pr,SI},nt of the TUiir3 states:
Sir | beg leave at TINS time to
officially tender my resignation a~
postmaster at this place, and M due
form 10 deliver the great seal and the
KEY to the front door Of the Office.
The safe combination l. -et on the
numbers 33. G6 and -, though DO
not remember at tins moment which
comes first, OF how many times yoU
revolve the knob, OF which direction
YOU should turn It at first Ill order to
make it operate.
There Is some mining stock III my
private drawer in the safe which |
have not vet removed. This stock
you may have, if you desire 1t. 1t Is
a luxury, but you may have 1t. / have
decided to keep a horse instead of
this mining stock The horse may
not be so pretty, but it will cost less
to keep him.
You will find the postal cards that
have not been used under the dIstrIb
uting table, and the coal down III the
cellar. If the stove draws too hard,
close the damper in the stove and the
general delNefE MlnuOW-
Looking over my stormy and event
full administration as postmaster here,
! find abundant cause for thanksglv
ing. At the time | entered upon the
duties of my office the department
was not yet on a paying basis. 1t
was not even self-sustaining. Since
that time. with the active cooperation
Al l..
of the department, L have been able
to make our postal system a paying
one, and on top of that l am now able
to reduce the tariff on averaged sized
letters from three cents to two. l
might add that this Is rather too
too, but will not say anything that
might seem undignitied Ill an official
resignation which Is to become mat
ter of history.
Through all the vicissitudes of a
tempestuous term of office L have
safely passed. 1 am able to turn
over the office today in a highly i'm
proved condition, and to present a
purified and renovated institution to
my successor.
Acting under the advice of General
Hatton a year ago, l removed the
feather bed with which my predeces-
sor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered
up his administration by stuffing the
window, and substituting glass.
Finding nothing in the book of in
structions to postmasters which made
the feather bed part of my official
duties, l filed it away in an obscure
place and burned it in effigy, also in
the cleaning. This act maddened
my predecessor to such degree that
he then and there became a candidate
for justice of the peace on the demo
cratic ticket. The democratic party
was able, however. with what aid it
got from the Republicans, to plough
the old man under to a great degree.
1t was not long after 1 had taken
my official oath before an era of I'M
exampled prosperity opened for the
American people. The price of beef
rose to q remarkable altitude, and
other vegetables commanded a good
figure and ready market. We then
began to make active preparations
for the introduction of the strawberry
roam 2cent stamps and the black
and-tan postal note One reform was
crowded upon the heels of another,
until the country is today upon the
foam-crested wave of permanent
prosperity.
Mir. President, 1 cannot close this
letter without thanking yourself and
the heads of the departments al
Washington for your active, CHEEKY
and prompt cooperation in these
matters. You can do as you see fit
of course, about incorporating thi:
idea into your Thanksgiving procla
nation. but rest assured that it would
not be ill-timed or inopportune L
is not alone a credit to myself. L
reflects credit upon the administra
ton also.
l need not say that I herewith
transmit my resignation with aorrov
and genuine regret. We have toilet
on together month after month, ask
ing no reward except the-innate con
sciousness of rectitude and the salary
as fixed by law Now we are to sep
arate. Here the roads seem to fork
as it were, and l and the cabine
must leave each other at this point.
You will find the key undcr tn,
door mat, and you had better turI
out the cat at night when you clos
the office. Ii she does not go readil,
you can make it clearer to her mine
by throwing the cancelling stamp a
her.
If Deacon Hayford does not pa,
up his box rent. you might as wei
put his mail in the general delivery
and when Bob Head gets. drunk ant
insists on letter from every one o
his wives every day in the week, yol
can salute him through the box de
livery with an old Queen Anne toma
hawk, which you can find near tn
Etruscan water pail. This will no
in any manner surprise either of thes
parties.
Tears are unavailing. I once NOR
become private citizen, clothed Ionl,
with the right to read such rosta
cards as may be addressed to me per
sonally, and to curse the iaefficiency
of the Postoffice Department. / ma,
be in error as to the attributes of til,
American citizen, but l believe thr
above to be the most prominent.
believe the voting class to be divide,
into two parties. VIZ: those who az,
in the postal service and those VIII,
are mad because they cannot receive
registered letter every fifteen min
utes of each day, including Sunday
Mr. President, as an Official of TIN.
Government I now retire My tern
of office would not expire until 1886
1 must therefore beg pardon for my
eccentricity in resigning. 1t will b,
best, perhaps, to keep the heart break
ing news from the ears of European
powers until the dangers of fiancia
panic are fully past. Then hurl il
broadcast with a sickening thud
Very respectfully yours, Bill NYE.