Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-01-31
WIT AND HUMOR.

The man who had both hands caught
in a hay-cutter knows wA@t it IS to
meet disaster on every hand.
Some people are So modest that even
their wounds are mortified when the
surgeon looks at them.
NaturaIists say that cockroach has
5000 teeth. What :: field for the laugh
ing-gas dentist to get III his work.
mo, dear, it is not spelled mellow
drama; you were led into error because
it was so soft.
Dakota men, rather than let their
wives do it, pay barber fifty cents to
cut their hair.
Mother (to q 5-year-oiJ who has sat
very still for five minutcs) WHAT are
you thinking Of, Georgia? Gaorric--
oh! bout Old times, / dcss.
why is young lady's aga after
she reaches 26, like a flora wedding
bell?" And he SAYS it is ''aecaase 1t
never d." but that IS Il libel,
4 man with nine wives living has
married tenth in New Jersey lie has
now discovered that Jersey lightning
is not always liquid.
4 medical writer SAYS that girls are
so constructed that they cannot jump,
Just make one OF them an offer OF mar
riage and see.
Small boy-''Pa, did YOU know ma
long before YOU married her2' PA
didn't | didn't know her until long
after ] had married her"
Yes, said Tawmus, .'ByrnesmoDkey
is handsome fellow, only for his head
Of hair. Somehow it's nice hair, but it
don't seem to fit him.
A mole on the nose indicates that a
man will be a great traveler-probably
to get out of the way of people who
make personal remarks.
A little girl has solved the botanical
problem why flowers are armed with
pistils. 1t is to shoot off their perfume
with.
''Walk slower, papa" cried the little
girl, whose short steps were no match
for the strides of her masculine pro-
genitor; ''can't you 90 nice and slow
like policeman"
The most polite woman we ever saw
was the young lady who would not
peer into the mirror because, as she
said, it was very rude to look right in
to ones face.
Waste not, etc. Overheard in
church. Mr. w. to Mrs. w, as the
plate was about to be passed: maria,
have you got that Canadian quarter
that was passed on you yesterday"
A sick friend writes us TO ascertain
the shortest road to health. There are
two paths-the allopaths and homeo-
paths. You take your choice and pay
your money.
A Toronto man waited until he was
80 years old before he got married.
That is good deal like running three
miles to get 4 good start for fourteen
inch jump.
Mrs. French heard 4 terrible pound
ing on the stove pipe the other day, and
called to her husband to know what
was the matter. I'm only getting out
my fall soot," he replied grayely.
John Burroughs calls Herbert Spen-
Ger '.the intellectual clearing house
Of the nineteenth century II IS a beau
tiful idea. BY another evolution he
might be called the minds produce
exchange or the bcnch-show of thought.
The Pittsburg Leader announces that
Bismarck is able to sit on his elbow
and drink n cup of tea. A statesman
slipping tea while performing the diff
cult feat of sitting on his elbow must
present an edifying spectacle.
4 shall teach you to speak properly
and then to write as you speak" said
teacher in the public schools. Poor
Billy Wilcox" said Il little voice, in
voluntarily. what about Biliy?"
please, ma'am, he speaks through
his nose.
NO said the Terre Haute police
man, ''there is no use of my tryingto get
a Girl to look at me to-day. There's a
big funeral and when Jim Tidd drives
the hearse and the girls see him, he'll
just set EN- crazy, he'll look SO proud
and handsome and have such an air of
Importance, and they won't be willing
to give thought to any other man.
A Michigan girl told her young man
that she would never marry him until
he was worth 100000 SO he started
out with brave heart to make it.
How are you getting on. George?"
she asked at the expiration of couple
of months. We'll" George said hope
fully, Il have saved up $22" The
girl dropped her eyelashes and blush
ingly remarked: 4 reckon that's near
enough, George?"
At the close Of a concert in Bradford,
while young gentleman was strug-
CLING with his hat, cane, overcoat,
opera glasses and his young lady's fan,
all Of which he was trying to retain on
his lap, a suspicious looking black bot
tie from the overcoat pocket fell on the
floor with a loud thud. There, he
exclaimed to his companion, Il shall
lose my cough medicine" That was
presence of mind.
A professor of the Texas university,
was explaining to the class his views
on mind and matter. Now" said
he, ''there is no doubt that mind exist
ed long time before matter, and yet,
mind can hardly be said to have ex-
iStence, in the proper sense of the