davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1884-11-04

My husband (writes II LADY, is three times the
man since using "Wells' Health Remover"
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1884-11-04

"Buchu.pabia," great kidney and urinary
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Too Much Lager.

The enormous consumption of beer
In Germany is exciting alarm among
the medical faculty of that empire.
They say the excessive consumption
not only dersnges the kidneys, but
also tends to hypertrophy of the heart.
1t has been found that In Munich
the consumption of beer is 432 litres
or nearly 30 gallons per head. The
statistics show, as a corollary, that
the average weight of the heart of the
men in Munich is greater than in any
other part of the world. 1t is g
notable circumstance that heart
disease is much more common in this
country since lager has become so
popular.-Demorest's Monthly for
September.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Opposed to Union.

A bull who had been roaming
around the country for several years,
tossing up every object he could get
his horns under one day met bear
and said:
See here stranger, why can't you
and | live on better terms?'
"HOw ?"
why let us travel together and
whack up the profits. You don't
eem to be such bad fellow, and |
know there's nothing mean about
me-"
"My dear sir" softly replied the
hear as he brushed fy off his nose,
''did we enter into partnership there
would be no profit. As it is, toss is
followed by squeeze and vice versa.
Did We both attack The same victim
at once we should certainly quarrel
and give him a chance to escape"
"That's so, that's so" unused the
bull, and he lifted Wabash a point
and beloved to the near to look out
for a tumbIe.-Arkansaw Traveller.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
The Bet Still Undecided.

Chicago News.
Two well-meaning men, one from
st. Louis and the other from st. Paul,
had an argument in the Sherman
house on the pronunciation of the
word depot.
Il say it is 'dee-po!'" said the St.
Paul man.
"And l say it is 'day-po'" answered
the ST. Louisian.
In the course of time they put up
50 apiece and agreed to leave it to a
tall, fine looking man on the other
side of the rotunda.
Going up to him. the ST. Paul dis
putant said: "My friend and have a
small bet on the pronunciation of the
word 'dee-po' say that it Is 'dee-po,'
and he says it is 'day-po.' Now who
is right ?"
pardon me" replied the stranger,
"but l never heard the word before.
How do you spell it. and what does it
mean? ?"
The betting men looked at each other
obviously, and one said "D-e-p-o t,
a railway station"
ooh, yes, yes; excuse me, You
mean dep po. Of course. Yes, yes.
dep-po. 1t is pronounced 'deppo.'"
Look here" yelled the St. Paul
man, "where do you come from?'i
Boston, sir"
"Well, there can't no Boston man
settle bet for me on the English
language. Come on, let's interview
Carter Harrison"
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
relatives in other departments of the
government.
st. Patrick'S Mistake.

An Irishman who rented q river
bottom plantation was much annoyed
by snakes.
"Oi wouldn't live in this country
tall, he one day remarked, address
ing old Mangus, a colored gentleman
OF long standing ami conspicuous dis
honesty. "Oi thawd tibet it nd be
swater thin poy to raise me own veg
tables fur the childer and truck fur
the horses, but the devilish snakes
froighten the loife outen ma. Alb,
Mangus, faint this way in Oireland.
We hev no snakes there"
what comes o de reptines, boss ?"
saint Pathrick driv 'em from the
land"
Eyer doan tell me so !"
CAV cOorse Oh do"
can dar amt no snakes in dat
country now?"
mot wan"
"Wall. wall, did yer eber heah de
like OBJ SIGH er proclamation. No
snakes dar. Dat pusson mus'ub been
er mighty holy man."
ale was a man WidOut the shadow
o'sin."
Yes, reckon he wuz. Druv de
snakes erway on ercOunt oh his lub
fur de Irish folkes. did he ?"
"Yes, that's the reason"
"Uh. huh. Wall, doan yer think
that eft he druv the snakes outen de
whiskey, he'd er hit de Irish
folkes whar da lib? Doan yer think
ii would er kivered the whole case d;
Oh, doan git mad, boss. DOan mean
ter say nuthin' ergin de holy man.
fur bless yer life, eff he'd er druv de
snakes Outen de whisky, he'd a got
all de niger votes ez well ez de Irish.
Dat man made re mighty mistake"
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Where the Fire is Out.
Magic No More a Mystery
Seen From Across the
World.

Haroun of AleppO." said Sir Philip Deryal,
mad mastered every secret in nature which the
nOhler magic seeks TO fathOui. He discovered that
the true art of healing is assist Nature to throw
on the disease to summon, as il were the whole
system 70 eject the enemy that has fastened on a
part His processes all included the refrigeration
Of the principle of life"
In this the Eastern sage merely anticipated the
practice OF the best physicians of to-day. What
life itself Is, nobody knew thea-uObOdy knows
now But we have learned something of the rea-
sons Why the mysterious tide rises and falls Pro-
ylded the great orgsns Of the body not irrepar-
ably destroyed medical science can always relieve
and often save Yet no reputable physician now
sdheTes 20 the harbarouS and stupid processes of
depletion, such As bleeding, by which IL was
attempted TO cure disease by reducing the patients
ability 20 resist IL. Nowadays We do not tear
down the fort to help the garrison-e strengthen it.
In this intelligent and benehcent work, il is con-
coded that PARkERS TONIC leads all other
medicines. "A an InvigOTant IL acts immediately
and powerfully upon their EQUATION and the organs
OF digestion, thus giving Nature the assistance she
calls for. II follows that all ailments Of the
stomach, kidneys and liver are at once relieved or
cured. No other preparation emhOdieS the same
qualities or pOrlceS similar results. IL Is delicious
10 use, and the best known anti-intOxicant Price
SOC and 81 HISCOX x Co, New York
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Two Conductors.

The superintendent of a railroad
gave situations as conductors to two
men of different ways of thinking.
The first conductor said: my salary
is not more than enough to pay cur
rent expenses, and it behooves me to
lay by something for old age or emer-
gencies, so | viii take all can from
the proceeds of my train and invest it
in some paying property or business. I"
And he did so. The second conduc-
tor said: eff / turn in all the pro-
ceeds of my train the officials of the
road will find me so much more pro-
fitable than the first conductor that
they will raise my salary and perhaps
promote me. So | will live frugally
now and hope for better things in the
future" And he did so.
The officials of the road said {: "The
first conductor turns in so little he
must be stealing we will discharge
him; and the second conductor turns
in so much he must be living on his
salary, and doubtless be could live on
less; therefore we will reduce his
salary, and so partly retrieve our
losses by the thefts of the first conduc-
tor" And they did in both cases as
they had said.
Moral-The officials of the road see
it, and so perhaps does the first con-
ductor, but the second conductor is
slightly dubious.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Blaine's Family Of Office Holder

Blaine's Family of Office Holders
New York sun.
Blaine has a large number of rela-
tives holding offices under the United
States government and the state gov
eminent of Maine. A number ELL
life places.
Blaine's brother is major in the
United States army. He was promot-
ed to his present rank through the
Maine statesman's influence.
Blaine's son, Walker Blaine, is
counsel for the United States in the
French claims commission, a place
paying well, and with little work.
he was assistant secrtary of state.
He owes his place to the Blaine name.
Blaine's nephews, Augustus and
Isaac A. Stsnwood, hold first class
clerkships in the custom house.
Blsine's wife's relatives, James A.
Dodge, is a special inspector in the
custom house, connected with Agent
Brackets 9ffre, 40,
A Blade Shew named Stinson is
an internal senue agent q this dis
trict. - "
Blaine has NO cousins in tle army
q officers, and any number of minor
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
a Chinaman in Persuit of a Pack
of Cards.

A few minutes after midnight on
Sunday morning a Celestial operative
at tub and wringer called at drug
gist's store near Broadway and Dor
chester street As he opened the
door his Monaghan face wore an APP
pearance of deep meditation, which
soon gave way TO the placating smile
which every son of China can assume
when occasion requires.
"Me wantee-a-me forgotte name
-a-yOu knowee-fiifty-two." And
thinking his explanation was perfect
ly clear and satisfactory, his smile
opened into broad grin.
"Flifty-twof" queried the druggists
clerk. "What in the name of the
big Chinese idol is that?"
"Flifty-two!" again, with emphas-
is, quoth the man of Mongolian ex-
traction. "Flifty-two! 1 glo you'll
You slee mel"
1t was no use. The clerk was
knocked out in less than the usual
number of rounds. He was speech.
less.
II clall!" cried he of the indigo
blue blouse and soles of wood.
Eyes, / know you call" cried the
rising young pharmacist, running his
bony fingers through his greasy hair.
"And l glo you!" continued the
Asiatic. "Flifty-twol Aifty-two r
and he attempted to make some cab
alistic figures on the wrapping paper.
you've got me dead" cried the
compounder representations, dropping
into a chair.
81 glo blind" yelled the China
man, now thoroughly aroused.
Then, looking in the direction of
the cold, sheet iron stove, which was
taking a rest preparatory to service
in colder season, he rushed madly
toward it and seized the poker.
Fearing that something dreadful was
about to happen, the drug clerk
jumped to his feet, and with eyes
starting from their sockets, cried
loudly:
"Here drop that pokerl"
"Ah." exclaimed the Chinaman,
letting fall from bis hand the crooked
iron rod, and smiling the happiest of
smiles. "Ha (! Picker! Me forgettee
name. Ploker-ffty'twOI"
ooh, | know now" said the clerk
at himself for his dizziness.
"Why couldn't you have said playing
cards in the first place. Cards-see?
cards %
"Clards" repeated the Chinaman,
with another broad grin, as he paid
for the package and broke the seal.
"Clard.--I glo you fifty-two better"
Globe.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Wanted a Special.

While General Sherman was lying
in front of Atlanta, and while emil.
itary necessity" suggested to every
man the propriety of hugging the bot
tom of the ditch, committee of evan.
gelists called on the general.
"My dear general" said the spokes-
man, "we have come to see you on i'm
portant business. We would like to
get special train to bring in load of
ministers and tracts"
''Humph," grunted the general,
"Td laundering sight rather give
you special train to bring down a
load of whisky. You fellows are
enough to scare an army to death"
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
,DALA WEEKLY BAZOO TEUsDAY, AUGUST 26. 1884

and gone into journalism. Then he
came hack to home and friends once
more. but he will not look at q news
paper aud is regarded everywhere as
the foe of the press. He is afraid he
will run up against one of Visscher's
editorials somewhere.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
BILLNYE.
Polly Spoiled the Prayer.

Polly Spoiled the Prayer.
Mrs. Fogg is an active member OF
Rev. Mr.. TextuaPs church but her
husband, be it said to his shame, can
not remember when he was last inside
meeting house, Mr.. Textual's or
anybody else's. However, as he puts
it. he doesn't interfere with Mrs.
Fogg's apusements and is perfectly
willing she should 60 to church every
day in the week if she wants to.
Although Mrs. F. doesn't avail her.
self to the full extent of her lords
permission, she is very regular in her
Sunday attendance. and it was not at
all strange that, after repeated invita-
tons, her pastor should take tea at
the Fogg mansion the other evening.
The family were gathered around
the domestic board. with Mr.. Textual
at Fogg's right, Mrs +. viz-a-viz,
and the two little Foggs jointly occu-
plying the remaining side of the
parallelogram.
The young fry were about to begin
operations, according to custom; but
Fogg felt that the occasion called for
something appropriate on his part.
So he checked the impetuosity of
their youthful appetites, and address
ing the reverend guest, remarked:
Perhaps Mr.. Textual will be kind
enough TO ask blessing.
The Immature Fogg stared in OPEN
eyed wonder, their appetites all for
gotten, while from some unknown
source came a hilarious:
Ha! ha! ha!
1t was evident that such a request,
coming from Fogg, struck somebody
as being somewhat excessively funny.
The children giggled; Mrs. F.'s face
looked red as a sunset, and the par
sons features were a study of bewil-
dered amazement, while Fogg appear
ed to be in anything but an angelic
frame of mind, if one might Judge by
the murderous aspect of his visage. |
The parsoD, however. was the first to
recover his self-possession. He began:
0 Lord, we thank thee for the |
bounties thou hast set before US.
He hesitated a moment, when |
from the direction from whence pro-
ceeded the ill-timed laughter came a
voice. 1t was pitched in accents of
saying in an inquiring |
tone:
What?
John! Mary! shrieked Fogg in
stage whisper to the young ones, who
werer, nevertheless, unable to wholly
control their cachinnation. Mrs.
T. screwed her face into all sorts of
contortions, and the parson opened |
his eyes long enough to show the
wonder which filled bis perplexed
mind. But he was equal to the
and proceeded
May this physical food remind us
of that spiritual sustenance-
Oh, chop it short broke in the
irreverent interrupter.
Amen, said the parson, abruptly
ending his petition.
The children forgot their manners
and laughed aloud Mrs. F.,
as she afterwards observed. thought
she should sink through the floor, while
Fogg allowed something 10 escape his
quivering lips which sounded very
much like an oath.
Again came the voice
Pretty Polly! Polly wants a
Cut it short Ha! ha! ha
The mystery was explained, and
the children's giggle was drowned in
the hearty laughter of Parson Tuxtual
who, pious man though he was, could
good thing as well as any
nf the ELECTROMAGNETIC
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26
Butter.

IF you are having trouble with the
quality of your butter, just take down
the scythe from the old apple tree
and march out into the pasture, and
and stay there until you have cut
down every weed you can find. There
ia no weed known to botany that
makes good milk (; they are the
natural enemies of every product of
the farm, and to dairy products in
particular.-American Dairyman.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26

CATARRH CURED, health and swee,
breath secured by Shiloh's Catarrh RENE.
dy. Price 80 cents. Nasal injector free.
Sold by Bard q Miller.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-08-26

sLEEPLEss NIGHTS made miserable
by that terrible cough. Shiloh's Cure is the
remedy for you. Sold BY Bard & Miller.
St. Paul daily globe., 1884-11-30

hold school on any or all of these days or
that deduction SHALL be made by reason of
the school being excused for such day, but
IN the absence OF such an agreement the al
torney general holds that the district is liable
to the teacher for such days. the same as
If the school had been regularly held. The
supreme court OF the United States follows
this ruling.
In reply TO the auditor of Watonwon county
the attorney general holds that a certificate
OF election as senator should not be granted
TO w. X. Holmes, who received l4l votes
for senator in the Eighth district, because no
writ of election was Issued by the governor.
Ia the case of Mrs. Ella Carton, elected
county superintendent OF schools of Pine
county iu 1888 and holding the Office since
(the term 20 expire next yesr). the attorney
general holds that she is perfectly entitled TO
the office. and a certiicatiOn Of election should
be reused 10 y. d. Wilcox, who re
ceiyed eighteen votes for the office al the re-
cent election, aud has applied for certifi-
cate of election.
To question Of the county superinten-
dent OF Pine county, il is held that a school
district clerk must keep all records himself
and within the district II az in the case "
SCHOOL district No. I46, the clerk refuses or
Dc elects SO 10 DO, he is liable % a fue II SO
for each offence. Maaaamus would also
probably lie 10 conp-l him 10 perform his
duty.
To the county attorney of Pipestone the
attorney general rules thai an order drawn
for the county treasurer's salary takes the
same course as al other orders. There Is no
preference given such an order under the
law.
St. Paul daily globe., 1884-11-30
The Burlington ELEVATORS.

BURLINGTON. Ia, Nov. 29.-The failure Of
B. d. Browu, the grain dealer who assigned
yesterday, does not effect the Burlington &
Mississippi elevator in this city, which II
managed aud controlled by a stock company
of New York capitalists. The elevator is do
ing a large business.
The warehouse firm Of B. d. Brown & Co.
grain dealers Of this city, o. which W. C.
Pinkham is resident partner, assigned yes
terclay to NJ. W. Hubbard. The Harrison
elevator, formerly operated by this drm
since September has been operated by JohI
T. Gerry and n K. Derby & Co., OF thi
city, aud the Burlington elevator Is owned
and operated by y. K Derby q Co., an.
should not be confounded with the Burling
ton & Mississippi elevator, which was bull
by B. d. Brown, ana with which he wa:
identified.
St. Paul daily globe., 1884-11-30
The Detroit Newspaper War.

DETROIT, Nov. 29.-Last Saturday Lloyd
Breeze, former proprietor OF the Ete1i,lg
Journal, bought the morning Times, United
Press paper. Editor Tomlinson, of the Jour
nal, this morning secured preliminary in
junction restraining him from the publica-
ton of the paper as an evening dIily, as bad
been announced. The injunction was con-
ditionsl. Breeze being allowed 10 publish II
he would furnish 50, 600 bond to reimburse
TomlinsOn In case the suit finally
went against him. The bond was fled with
eight sureties, three Republicans, three Dem
ocrats, one Greenbacker aud one Prohibit
toni {, all OF whom are millionaires. The
frst paper came out at 3 O'Clock as a thirty
two column folio with full associated press
reports. II will have three issues daily. The
chan ge to an afternoon paper was announced
this morning by parade Of several hundred
newsboys headed by brass band.
St. Paul daily globe., 1884-11-30
Who SHAH b q. 5. District Attornevs

Who Shall D q. =. District Attorney?
To the Editor Of the Globe
The public and the newspapers having al
ready begun 10 canvass the chances of various
aspirants for appointments to federal offices,
and the PsO,.ser Pres OF this date having
mentioned the name of John w. Willis,
Esq, of this city, as one OF the number from
whom our next United States district attOr-
ney is 10 be chosen, wish 10 state n few
reasons why Mr.. Willis would be the wisest
choice that could be made.
The victory of 81 was not won by the
''War Democrats" The young blood OF the
party, fighting on live issues, drove the Re-
pubiicsns from power. Mr.. Willis Is the
representative OF the vigorous. aggressive,
young Democracy. He has rendered To the
party iabOrious and valuable service, not as
the incumbent OF an office. but as the cham
pion Of the party's principles on the stump.
Mr.. Willis has taken an active part In every
campaign for the last seven years.
He has always been true 10 the party
Everything in bis record as a Democrat
favors his appointment. As a man, he is
well known TO ali. His Integrity is unques-
toned: as lawyer. he stands among the
leaders, and think IL may be said OF him,
that he will be the ablest district attorney
Minnesota has had since Cushman X. Davis
resigned the office.
This letter 10 you Is merely TO call forth an
expression Of opinion on the subject from
the Democratic press of Minnesota
LIFELONG DEMOCRAT.
St. Paul daily globe., 1884-11-30
Gov. Click on the National Trail.

ST. LOUIS, Nov. 29.-Goy. Click, who is
a Short Horn cattle breeder as well as chief
executive of Kansas, in an interview with
Globe Democrat reporter, on the action Of the
Cattle Mems convention recently held in this
city, stated that the scheme for great cattle
trail from the Red river to the northern
boundary Of the country as marked out b
the convention was entirely impracticable.
He said, 10 be Of value the trail must be 100
miles wide instead Of six miles, as asked for;
besides lac alleged they have
no right to trail through
Kansas or any other state. They now have
a trail through the western part Of Kansas,
but the law establishing II will be repealed
by the legislature this winter. He also stated
that Kansas lost one half million dollars
the past year from Texas fever, but hereafter
there will be a strict quarantine against
Texas cattle, established and regulated by
law, instead Of by simple proclamation.
He disclsimed there was any III feeling
in Kansas against Texes, bul
asserted self-preserystiou demanded they
should protect themselves. He opposed
leasing public lands 10 ranchmen, aud IA
yored an encouragement Of small stock
growers as heing in the best interest of the
country. He thought the veterinary service
OF the United States as now organized a hum
bug. That il should be improved By the en-
ployment Of the best veterinarians in the
country. and expressed a belief that the dis
ease in Kansas last spring, pronounced by
DR.. Salmon 10 be ergotisI u, was veritable
foot and mouth disease.
St. Paul daily globe., 1884-11-30
ELEVENTH ANNUAL CONVENTION
Of the Minnesota and Dakota Young
Mems Christian Association.


Dear Brethren: The eleventh annual
convention of the Young Mems Christian
associations Of Minnesota, with the associa-
tions of Dakota. will be held at Northfeld,
Mimi, Dec. Al.
Since our last annual meeting at Saltwater
much progress has been made, which is
largely due, no doubt, to the better knowl-
edge of the work and increased enthusiasm
in its prosecution gained by the delegates in
the convention and carried back b the asso-
ciatious they represented.
The thousands of Young men that are COM
ing 10 the northwest, the demand for new
associations in unorganized cities, and the
growing desire OF existing associations TO do
more sp"cific and better organized work, aIe
among the manifold reasons why the coming
meeting is OF greatest Importance.
The mum ber of delegates is not limited,
and each association, including all the de-
partments of the work, should promptly ar
range TO send TO the convention large dele
cations composed, as far as possible, of
young men.
Pastors of Evangelical churches are cor
daily invited 10 meet with US that the con-
vention may receive OF their experience anu
counsel in Christian work and, in return,
paTtake OF the blessings of the convention
Representatives from young peoples organi-
cations in churches, religious societies, In
educational institutions etc, will be gladly
welcomed. 1t is especially important that
places contemplating the organizations oi
associations should send delegates to the
convention.
The Northfeld association will gladly en-
ter,ain all delegates, as will be seen 10y the
letter of welcome and invitation sent here
with.
The opening session OF the convention
will be held Thursday, December 4, at 1880
p. IN. The closing session Sabbath evening.
In addition 10 the presence OF the well
known association workers OF the state, rep
resentatives of the international committee
aud prominent wOrkes from adjoining states
are expected TO be present and participate in
the exercises.
1t is earnestly requested that much prayer
be made for the presence and power Of the
Holy Spirit in all the sessions, and to this
end will each association before the
meeting observe some special season
of prayer for the blessing of God upon Tia.
convention and our state work. Fraternaly
yours, NJ. b. CRICHETT, Chairman,