davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
THE KAISER AND THE CHAM
CELLOR.

Look here. young man. the Kaiser said,
Are you der King or !? ~
Prince Bismarck humbly bowed his head,
You vas der King. But vy?''
Den if / vas der King vat for
You put on all der airs,
tnd get der coundry into war
IND run der whole affairs?
Vat for you write dot letters bout
Der Lasker pissness, eh?
You bedder look leedle out
snatch you bald some day.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20

stand plain English? / want glass of
water-water to drink-ard l want it
quick"
In desperation the waiter hunted up the
proprietor and told him the story The
landlord looked puzzled, and himself en-
tered the dining room and approached the
stranger and, said:
Excuse me, sir, but my waiter is little
hard OF hearing. Twill take your order"
i ordered glass of water-nothing but
straight water"
Pm sorry" replied the landlord, "but l
can't accommodate you. There is so little
call for those foreign drinks here that it
doesn't pay to keep IN. We've got some
prime Kentucky whiskey in the bar, if you
can get along on that"
The stranger finished his meal in silence.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
SaWduSt.

An excellent use has been found for the
enormous quantity of sawdust annually
made in the lumber regions of our country.
From the Popular Science Ne,cs for Febru-
airy, 1884, we learn that Illuminating gas is
made from it. Any kind of sawdust can
be used; but that from Tesinous wood is
preferable, and affords a larger yield of gasl
From 10000 to 10000 cubic feet of gas is
obtained from net ton of fuel The wood
gas has the advantage of containing no
sulphur, is more easily purified than coal
gas, and is said to be fully as good, while it
is less expensive. The ordinary burners
are used for wood gas. Mill owners can
construct chemical works to make their
own gas.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
To Change the Track Of TOrnadOes

A correspondent of the Scientific Ameyi
can proposes the following method for
changing the track of tornaGoes; Take
one keg or barrel of common rifle or can
non powder to the limit of your city or
town where it is approached by tornado.
Fix it to an artillery priming tube hav-
ing a string about one hundred yards long.
Take your position at the end of the
string, and if the charge is large enough,
that gyrating, whirling tornado will be
effectually blasted out of existence at
least made harmless till blown beyond
your town, where, perhaps. it will reform
itself If the tornado could be advertised
few hours before its appearance, giving
time for preparation, the suggestion might
possibly be valuable.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
DUDETIC LEAP YEAR.

HE.
The jgjog swings on the cradleberry bough,
The moycod pines on the lea;
ne title bat squirbles his love-bOrn vow,
30, so, dearest maid i love thee.
SHE.
Down where the crocodile smiles in the sun,
There, there darling kid should we fee;
And oh! like the winkywunk when the day i
done,
skittle if tottle not thee.
me fells bug gurgles his song in the air,
49, Ihe organ lugger trills for you and me;
me perrygTam skiddes the old arm chair,
Thus, thus Dalmanutha love thee.
SHE.
And oh Onesphorus, the old brown mare
Is spaving for love, as also we;
Ana up where the minister waits in his lair,
shall giggle if | skedaddle not with thee.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20

records in the case. Mrs. Burroughs was
never able to recover any benefit from the
estate and was forced to earn her living by
dressmaking. Of course she attended the
funeral of George Washington
Her daughters attribute their mothers
longevity to no system of correct living.
She went to bed when she was sleepy, got
up when she awoke, worked frequently all
night, ate anything at any time when she
was hungry, and taken all in all lived
rather irregularly. She never used glasses
and retained her eyesight to the last She
was buried in Evergreen Cemetery.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
4 PICNIC EPISODE.

Oh, the tiny little ants!
How they Chamber up our pants
At the picnic meath the willow in the glen!
How they seem to take delight in
The obnoxious sport of bitin
lndetensible and modest gentlemen!
It's delightful, when one cooing
To the damsel he is wooing,
To feel the playful creature in his pants
And upon the perfumed air
He throbs a soulful swear
At his sisters and his cousins and his ants
Oh, it sets the brain throbbing
To feel these insects bobbing
Up aud down our system in their merry glee
There's one way you can right 'em.
And that is flee and fight EN-
Meath the shadow of some distant friendly tree
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
FARE Ar THE FASHIONABLE
WATERING PLACE.

A guest at fashinable watering place hotel,
having longing for eggs at his matutinal meal,
and being informed by the sable attendant upon
the table that there were none, perpetrated the
following:
To those who meath this table thrust their legs
proffer this advice-dont ask for eggs;
For eggs Just now not within their means
Try something that is cheaper-pork and beans
Or if perchance this dish should fail to please,
Try something cheaper still, say bread and
cheese;
Or what would better suit-don't eat at ALL
Atleast until the markets have fall.
il you opine that you can better fare,
The privilege is yours to go elsewhere.
To feed its guests, the house can i'll afford
But all the same you pay four dollars board.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
THE FEMALE BOOK FiEND.

lbs hard to get rid of debt.
birthmark, a..wart or a gout-
hang-nail, corn or sty
Is difficult thing TO knock out.
The seven-year itch is no slouch
And the fiend, who has never a cent.
ls constant and stays with a man
Until all his money is spent.
bat with calmest eontentment and ease
we on all these little things look.
ana prefer them, en- masse, to that pest,
female who's selling book'
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
Spring Notices.

As the meeting opened the president an
nounced that the following spring notices
would be hung on the walls during the
week:
PAY cash"
Deal on de squar,"
"Sell your dog"
mo man kan sit on de fence an plant
onions"
"Time wasted am shillins lost out oh
hole in de pocket"
"If it am pollyticks against 'taters, take
de 'taters"
"An hour wild saw-buck am more val
uable dan an hour wild statesman"
"De man in debt am a swimmer wild his
butes on"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
Helena, Montana, Thursday, March 20, 1884.

fence has made her more interesting than
the callow girl. Doubtless society needs
widows just as much as it does single
women and married people to give spice
and variety to life, and it would be thou
sand pities if the Hindoo custom were to
come in vogue in our day and deprive some
of us of grievance.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-20
Old Trees.

Skilled aboriculturists say the yew tree
has been known to reach the age of 5000
years the SchubeItia 5000, cedar 1900,
oak ], 500, spruce 200, lime 100, oriental
1000, walnut 900, olive and cyprus 900,
orange $50, maple 500, elm 300.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08
A Man Who Likes TO be Hung.


A few days ago a young German
named Anton Dresser, who had been
discharged from the employ of a fruit
peddler, and who boarded on German
Street, attempted to commit suicide by
hanging. When discovered and cut
down his heart had almost ceased beat
inc, and it was two hours aefore he
was restored TO consciousness. He
was yesterday asked by representa-
tive of this paper to describe his sensa-
tions. and he promptly replied:
They were so pleasant that l may
try it again some day"
"'Did you have the idea on your mind
a great While?"
mo. from the moment it entered
my head to the time | swung off was
not over half an hour. tied the rope
to beam in Inc barn, put my neck in
the moose while standing on q barrel,
and then kicked the barrel away. The
only fear had was that the rope would
hurt me-"
And did it?''
Eyes; for a second or two it was like
a duIl knife saving at my neck"
''And you must nave choked terri
bly?'
II did not fully realize it. l was dim
" conscious of kicking around, and
know raised nay hands and grasped
the rope. suppose l suffered for ten
seconds and then it was a avery pleasant
thing"
"iIow?"
"Why, the pain disappeared, and the
feeling was about like when YOU are
tlighty with fever Queer things danced
around me and made up faces at me,
and | felt as if | was moving through
the air"
"And you were conscious"
Barely so. 1t seems now that
dreamed it all"
"But you did not know when you
were cut DOWN."
80, no! The dream, or whatever you
may call it, finally faded out, and the
next thing knew | was in bed in the
house and they were treating me-" .
"And you rather like hanging?"
Il would rather die that way thar
any other. ! wouldn't like drop to
break my neck, as is the case on the
gallows, but if they would swing me OF
and let me choke would face the mu
sic any day. "-DetrOit Free Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08
Flights of Fancy in Millinery.

The novelties in bOnnets as seen I'M
trimmed are positively too funny for
ANYTHING, and the leading shapes look
as if they were designed by a crank,
whose idea was to illustrate in bonnet
his conception OF the principal charac-
ters in Mother Goose melodies and
other popular iictions for young folks;
and what may appear still more absurd
is the fact that these shapes are to be
covered and trimmed to carry out the
illusion. the melody mania having eX-
tended to manufactures of fabrics and
trimmings, as well as to those who
form shapes.
The ''cow-iumped- over the moon"
bonnet is perhaps one OF the most
striking illustrations of this popular
rage.
Is it prettyp Yes, beautiful!
Imagine q bonnet-shape having rather
high crown with brim consisting of two
crescents. one on either side, the half
moon points coming together in center
of back and front. The frame is COW
cred with Kursheedt's all-over en-
broidered velvet in sky-blue ground,
with silver stars over the surface. On
the top, slightly on the right side, a
silver crescent is secured, while a
smoke-colored COW in antique silver is
mounted on pin and is seemingly in
the act of jumping over the silver half
moon before it. A cloud-like trimming
of silver gauze is intermiXed with loops
of velvet ribbon, and the face is filled
with ruching of silver and white gauze
lace, through which silver star-shaped
ornaments on flexible stems dance and
twinkle like real stars through pass
ing, snowy cloud.
The flight of fancy caused by seeing
the ''cow-iumped-o ver-the-moon' bon
net is arrested and the Imagination de-
sends to the earth, earthly, at sight of
the Mother Hubbard bonnet, adorned
with the metal dog of missing bone re-
nown in the various attitudes of expec-
tation. The Punch and-Judy bonnets
are others of these queer-shaped crea-
tons. One has hunch-back crown
and scoop brim, and another shows a
Fedora crown with half-scolloped
brim, aud still more singular shape
reminds one only of "Mephistopheles'
in ''Faust. "-PhiladeIphtG Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08
SCHOOL AND CHURCH.


The day schools of New York have
100000 pupils, and the night schools
$4,000.
Paris alone has seventy schools for
mechanical trades, against one when
France first started industrial education.
Only about one-haf of the Protest
ant Episcopal Churches in Pennsylvania
have houses for their rectors to live in.
Philadelphia Press.
Mrs. H. d. Huntington, of Cincin-
natl, who died recently in Colorado,
bequeathed in her will $500, 600 to the
Episcopal Church. Cincinnati Times.
The Louisiana State Board of
Education has decided to locate the
State Normal School at Natchitoches,
that town having given buildings and
grounds valued at S6O,OJ0.
Obtained as they now are in many
cases, academic honors are an imposi-
ton on the public, blot on our educa-
tional institutions, and a hindrance to
the cause OF true education.-F. c. H.,
IN Monmouth College Courier.
"A recent writer on the subject of
common school education declares his
opposition to prize-giving. tits very GER
tain that the system is quite Us likely to
develop an unworthy cunning on the
part of students as it is to excite
creditable spirit of emulation.-Cwr-
rent.
For some reason not stated the au-
thorites of Lambeth Church, London,
have removed the celebrated "Pedlar's
Window" from the church. This win
dow has been in existence for nearly
800 years, and was in some way asso-
ciated with the piece of land bequeathed
to the parish and known as ''Pedlar's
Acre" Beyond the suggestion of the
name nothing is known OF the donor.
There are IA theological schools
in the United States, with 624 instruct.
ors and 4,793 students. The number
of law schools is AZ; professors, 229,
students, 3,227. Medical schools, 1876;
professors, ,749; students, If, $50. The
Harvard library contains 1875, 900 vol
umes; Yale, 10000; Dartmouth, co.
000 Brown, $4,000; Columbia, 81, 900;
Princeton, $4,000; Cornell, $4,000;
Michigan, $4,000; Williams, 10000
Iowa, $4,000; Oberlin, 10000; Mime
sofa, l5,00O.- Chicago Inter Ocean,
1t is stated that the number of
Protestants in Francois at present $780,
900. of whom so, 900 belong to the Re-
formed Church, $4,000 are Evangeli-
Gals and 100000 are divided between
Independents, Methodists, Baptists, etc.
Comparing the figures with the gem
eral population it appears that there is
in France one Protestant to every sixty
three Catholics. The State pays 782
Protestant pastors, although the total
number of the latter is as high as 900,
of whom by far the greater number
(699) belong to the Reformed Church.
Paris counts 10000 Prote5tants of al
Sects, and no less than forty-four build
ings devoted to Protestant services.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08
A Bad Business.

$50 you don't want to canvass any
more for the life of Andrew Jack
son, " said the proprietor of a sub
scriPtion agency to a young man who
had just returned from the country.
mo, l believe not The work is very
pleasant and all that, yet prefer to do
something else. Believe I'd rather dig
bitches or clean out wells.'
"Was your trip to the country sue
cessful?"
"Well, no. can't say that it was.
I'll give you sample Of my expert
ence. One afternoon, while riding
along lonely road, | came upon a
field in which an old fellow was plow-
ing. l waited until he got to the end
of row and then, approaching him, L
asked if he would not like to look at
the Life Of Andrew Jackson
wy, looked at one O his lives
luther day. Must have had more lives
than cat. Stranger, I'd like pow
erful well to look at it, but the fact is,
/ amt got the time. This cotton is
nightly in the grass Whoa, Ball,
come around
My friend, said I, if you would
like to look at the book, I'll pillow while
you sit down and examine it. This
pleased him very much, and taking
the book, he climbed the fence, went
into the woods, and sat down in the
shade. plowed for some time, until
got tired, but thinking that the old fell
low would soon make his appearance,
continued to pillow on. AT last | went
into the woods and found him deeply
interested in the book.
"'It's too late for you to 90 much
furder tonight, said he, so YOU bet.
ter stay all night at my house.
81 agreed, for houses in that section
of country were far apart. Well, when
we went to the house the old fellow took
my book and devoted himself to it the
entire evening. | knew that he would
buy it, for | could see that he was deep
ly interested. The next morning just
before got ready to start, turned to
my host and said:
Have you made up your mind to
buy that book?"
"'No, but [ did low to buy it but
thar amt no use'n buyin' it now
"Whyg'
cease sot up last night an read
her through.
"'That 50? Well, in consideration of
the fact that ! have staid all night with
you, / makeyou Il present ofthe book. ,
"'Much obliged to you
"'Not at all. Well, must be going.
"'Hold on. You ain'tpaid me yit.
T charge you dollar an half fur
your nights lodgin'.'
Eyes, sir, and he made me pay it, re-
gardless of the fact that had presented
him with the book. No, don't care to
engage further in the book business. -
Arku2LS0lO IrMueLer.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08

The process of making screws is q
very interesting one. The rough, large
wire in big coils is, by drawing through
hole of less diameter than itself,
made the needed size. Then it goes
into a machine that at one motion cuts
it proper length and puts head on
it. Then it is put into sawdust and
''rattled," and thus frightened. Then
the head is shaved down smoothly to
the proper size and the nick put in at
the same time. After "rattling' again
in the sawdust, the thread is cut by
another machine, and after another
"ratting" and thorough drying, the
screws are assorted by hand (the
fingers of those who do this move al
most like lightning), crossed by weight
and packed for shipment. That which
renders it possible for machines to do
all this is little contrivance that looks
and opens like goose's bill, which
picks up single screw at time, car
ries it where needed, holds it until
grasped by something else, and returns
for another This is one of the most
wonderful pieces of automatic machin-
cry ever seen, and it does its distinctive
work at the rate of thirty -one screws a
minnte, although this rate is only ex-
porimental as yet. Ninety-three gross
day, however, has been the regular
work of one machine. - hiLddeLptiR
Inquirer.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

There was young man from Ha-
vana, Who trod on a piece Of banana;
His heels flew up, the rest slid down,
And he was in ured in most frightful
N anna.-N. Y. Heratd.
Why is life like harness? Because
life contains traces of care, lines OF
trouble, bits Of good fortune, JreacheS
of good manners, and briiied tongues,
and every one has at~g to pull through.
Golden Days.
Visitor: so, no! Here YOU are
Found you out! What q snug little
den - Recluse (chuckling): eyes,
here | am, with my pictures and my
books; and here | can sit and read all
day long md 1obo@y u Ill tie a0jSer.-
~ Y. Ledqer.
A lady of high rank once tried to
bride u Judge in England, by Offering
him pair of gloves filled with gold
coin. He kept the gloves, but returned
all the money, saying, with keen wit.
Il prefer my gloves tc'AtoM H1jIy."
Wife / notice Il statement to the
effect that in this city every year S22,-
10000 is spent for liquor, but only
'S7,000,000 for religion. That s sgnii-
cant. Husband-Signilicant of what?
Wife-That you men are having Il
pleasanter time in this world than you
will in the next. Chicago ITjbUne.
A Scotch woman wishing to
frighten her husband from nightly Wis
ting dram shop, got man to scare
ham on his way home. AS he rose from
behind bush. John called out, "who
are you?' Il am Aud Nick" was the
reply. Come AVA mon," said John,
''gie me a shake of your hand; am
married to a sister o yours.
1t is stated that Russian has been
awarded a patent which promises to
work revolution in the match
making industry" If it will prevent
rich mems daughters from clipping with
their fathers coachmen, and encourage
legitimate matchmaking. which will
prove satisfactory to the old folks, the
revolution" can't strike this country
day too soon.-NorrtStoW Herald.
81 understand your son has just
finished course of rhetoric. Does he
show much improvement in his writ
ing?" "Wonderful Improvement! He
used TO write in a simple, straig htfor-
ward way that anybody, even child,
could understand. Now it is almost
impossible to tell what he is driving at.
Yes, sir; it is wonderful how he has
improved, wonderful! Boston Tran
script.
-Ayoung law student in the South
west went to an old Judge to be exam
ined for admission to the bar. After a
desultory conversation the Judge said.
"Well, young fellow, hang out your
single and go ahead" "But you have
not examined me-" "Never mind"
was the brilliant reply; "if you don't
know no law you won't get no practice,
so you won't do no harm nohoW. -
Boston Post.
"A lad rather small for his age
works as errand boy for four gentle
men. One day the gentlemen were
chatting him about being so small and
said to him: you'll never amount to
much; you can never do much; you
arc too small" The little fellow looked
at them. "Well," said he, ''as small
a. J am can do something that neither
of y0n can do" "Ah, what is that?'
said they. Il can keep from swear.
ing" said the boy. There were some
! bushes on four faces, and there seemed
TO be no anxiety for. further informa.
tion,-M. Y. Graphic
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-11-08
PATIENT WITH THE LYING.

Sweet friend, when thou and | are gone
Beyond earth's weary labor.
When small shall be our need of grace
From cOmrade or from neighbor,
Passed all the strife, the toll, the care,
And done with all the signing,
What tender truth shall we have gained
Alas, by simply dying?
The lips too 'chary of their praise
Will tell our merits over,
And eyes too swift our faults to see
Shall no defect discover.
Then hands that would not lift stone,
Where stones were thick to cumber
Our steep hill-path, will scatter flowers
Above our pillOwed slumber.
Sweet friend, perchance both thou and 1,
Ere love is past fOrgiving,
Should take the earnest lesson home
Be patient with the living;
TO-day's repressed rebuke may save
Our binding tears tomorrow;
Then patience-e'en when kcenest edge
May whet nameleSS sorrow.
TITS easy to be gentle when
Deaths silence shameS our clamor
And easy to discern the best
Through memOrys mystic glamour,
But wise it were for thee and me,
Ere love is past fOrgiving,
To take the tender lesson home
Be patient with the living
--ndTgl4'et Sdngstcr, IN Coed Cheer.