Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-07-28

When two boys are running race
which one has no legs? The one whose
legs are ahead.
woman can't be hero. The nearest
she can come to it is to practice with the
oars and become she row.
Mrs. Malaprop wonders why the COM
pany laughed when she asked a school
boy when the summer Uacuum would be-
gin.
"No, sir, my daughter can never be
yours" 81 don't want her to be my
daughter," broke in the young ardent.
sI want her to be my wife,
When you see a man scratching him.
self don't imagine that he is full of per-
sonal magnetism. 1t may merely be old
mosquito bites.
Bathing suits more beautifully shock
ing than ever are announced for the COM
ing season. Something must be done to
attract people to the seashore.
'Kiss Me as Fall Asleep is the title
vi ldtCSb IL 10 any SCdolSiCs
hammock snap, the young man had bet
ter not do it. Let her fall asleep without
it.
"Papa," said a lad the other night, af-
ter attentively studying for some minutes
an engraving of a human skeleton, show
did this man manage to keep in his din
ner?'' 10
Another iceberg a few days ago ran
into and sunk an unsuspecting vessel,
and the conclusion forces itself upon us
that bergs are as carelessly managed as
ocean steamers. +t
Solemn questions with city people
about to go to the country: ''What shall
we do with the bird or cat?" One good
way is to let the cat have the bird and
then kill the cat.
Teacher-Suppose you have two sticks
of candy and your big brother gives you
two more, how many would you have
then? Little boy Shaking his head)-
You don't know him; he amt that kind
of a boy.
A chap from the country, stopping at
one of the hotels, sat down to dinner.
Upon the bill of fare being handed to him
by the waiter he remarked that he ssdidn't
care bout readin' now; he'd wait till af-
ter dinner
'What are you slowing up for?" yelled
freight conductor to an engineer, on
one of our Vermont roads ssWhy, we've
run over a book agent" ssDrat it all.
then why don't you keep on? We can't
| kill him unless the whole train runs over
| him."
There is new book, ''Whirlwind, Cy-
clones and Tornadoes," just issued,
| which we have not read, but judging
| from its title, it must be the reminiscence
| of man who found his wife awake when
he came home long in the afternoon OF
the night
How do you like the new Minister
81 don't like him at all, . replied the dea-
con. SIS it possible? Why, 1 thought
| he preached a very eloquent sermon -
"That's the trouble, it was too eloquent.
l could't catch wink of sleep through
the whole of it,
The boy who stole up behind the ham,
mock and cut the rope at the head end,
under the impression tnat his brother was
in it, and let his father down on the stoop
SO hard that it shot his artificial teeth out
of his mouth and half way across the
lawn, will never undertake to cut another
hammock rope, if solid opinion may be
based on sound
''Good morning, John," said pastor to
to young friend whom he met on a
warm day. elbow does your father stand
the heat?" The young man made no re-
ply, but went away with clouded brow
And when the good pastor learned that
the young mans father had died only a
week before, he understood why his cor.
dial greeting was met so coldly.
A young lady from New York who is
visiting friends, saw yoke of oxen 90
ing by the house, and said: ssOh, how
would like good fresh drink of milk
from those cOws." She is mortally
afraid of cows, and coming on one sud
denly one day she was too frightened tc
run; so, poking her parasol at the beast
she suffered. out, ''Lie down, sir; liz
down.
| What Three Applications Did.-ssI was trouble,
very much with sore feet. Three applications q
Thomas Electric Oil entirely cured them. Moth
ing better in the market Jacob Butler. READING