Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-07-31
HUMOR.

Johnny, here take this Eote down
to Mrs Holman"
'What' it about mother2"
"Oh, bother; only to let her know
her friends are going to surprise her
on the evening of July s, SO she can
get ready for it.
Gladstone, it is said. sings to him
self as he walks III his garden. Glad
stone is a wise man. He doesn't
possess a very mellifuous voice, and
if he had adopted the rash plan of
singing to other people as he walked
in his garden, he would have had
frlghtfully steep surgeons bills to
settle years ago.
Doctor, | want to thank you for
your great patent medicine" sit
helped you, did it?' asked the doctor,
very much pleased 1T helped nae
won 'erfully." How many bottles
did you find it necessary to take2"
ooh, [ didn't take any of it. Ny
uncle took one bottle, and I am his
sole heir"
A-"You see that man over op-
posite2 Well, he was once one of the
most respectable and respected citizens
in town." B.--'And isn't he nova"
ATLAS! no. He went yachting
last summer and saw the sea serpent"
B.-'And what of that?" A.
Every body speaks of him now as a
liar and drunkard."
A coal dealer asked some law stu
dents what legal authority was the
favorite of his trade? Oae answered,
Coke" ''Right," said the coal deal
er. Another suggested, Blackstone.
Good, toow SAID the questioner
Then a little man piped out, Little
tom Whereupon the coal-dealer sat
down.
john said the proprietor of the
ice-cre?m saloon to his dusky mental,
has the corn-starch come yet?" Eyes,
sab" ''And the citric acid?" Eyes,
sah." And the three gallons of skim
mike Yes, sah." "Then you had
better make four gallons Of lemon
cream. [ think we are going to have
warm evening""
A German was recently asked to
repeat the following extract from the
bible: "An angel came down from
heaven and took live coal from off
the altar" He attempted TO do SO,
and this is his Interpretation of ii:
"An injun coined down from New
Haven out, und dock life colt by
der tail of his breeches, and jerked
him his collar out. "-Arka-saw
Traveller.
The Encouragement of Art.
Wealthy amateur-'Since you spoke
to Jones and NE about this picture,
Cadmium, We have arranged that
one of us shall have it." Cadmium
Orig htening)-" am glad of that,
very glad; GLAD on your account,
too. Which of you has it?' Wealthy
amateur-''Well, we are going to
pitch up for it, and the one that
loses takes the picture. Life.
Chicago preacher-"Yes, the at
tendance has been very meagre late
ly; but had q grand congres alton
last Sunday" Visiting brother
Last Sunday? Why, I saw by the
papers iC stormed here terribly last
Sunday" Eyes; as the saying is, 1t
rained pitchforks all day lon g."
And yet you say your church was
crowded." Eyes "How do YOU
account for its' "Well, you see, the
weather was so bad they had to post
pone the races. "-Philadelphia Call.
by Jove," said the Iynx-eyed
proof-reader on Boston paper. Some-
body go down and kick slug nine into
the street. Here's three times I've
marked beans on him in that poem of
Julia Ward Howe's, and every time
he spells it peans.'
My soul sings peans to the gods of spring
There's lots of sense in that, isn't
there? Where'd he ever learn to spell
beans that way?" And his face was
ivid with wrath as once more he saw
ed the poesn from destruction. Bur
dette.
SHE ADVERTISED.
Little Bopeep she lost her sheep
And didn't know where to find 'em;
She advertised. and they came home,
Dragging gold dollars behind 'em.
-PniladeDhia Call