Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1884-02-14
Wit and Hnnnnr

Wit and Humor.
The navy Is to have a new uniform,
and the query is whether there will be
enough cloth. left in the country for a
pair OF coat-tails for policeman.
Yu will observe this, the devil never
offers to go into partnership with bizzv
man, but yu will often see him offer to
jine the lazy, and furnish all the capital
besides.-JOSh Billings.
The HebreaU Standard saws: "Have the
courage to discharge a debt while YOU
have the money in your pocket" which
seems to be a case of eating ones cake
and keeping it.
An exchange says that recently a New
York policeman got drunk on duty. We
did not know that New York policemen
were fond enough of duty to become in
toxicated with it.
"A prima donna sang Home. Sweet
Home to the convicts in an Eastern
prison, and it so worked upon their feel
ings thatseven Of them escaped and struck
out for the paternal rOOf-tree the same
night.-iS$. Louis Post.
"A New York letter speaks of " a man
who lost $780, 900 a minute" Candidly. if
we were to lose 100000 a minute our for
tune would be completely exhausted in
less than half day. Much less.-Nor-
riStoaV1a Herald.
The Christian Advocate is credited
with the following e1nendation: "Long-
fellow said, In the world man may be
either anvil or hammer He was wrong,
however. Lots of men are nothing but
bellows"
Nero is credited with being the cru
elest individual that ever lived, and vet
there is no record that he promised his
wife sealskin sacque and refused to
give it to her.
Only twelve lawyers have been elected
| to the Connecticut Legislature. The re-
mainder of the legal fraternity are busy
on murder cases.-BostOn Transcript
A reporter who attended a BANQUET
concluded his description with the can
did statement that ''it is not distinctly re-
membered by anybody present who
made the last speech"
| The man who can thoroughly enjoy
himself at fashionable reception after
discovering that the bow of his white tie
is under his left ear is superior to the
pomps and vanities of this wicked
work..
A man always finds out when there is
hole in the bottom ST his stocking. He
makes the discovery when he takes his
boots off at night and puts his foot down
on the hot register to warm. He rarely
forgets to speak right out about it.
"T. R."-You ask why we do not print
your sonnet. Because you have not sent
the money, my dear boy. Our rates are
% cents per line. A sonnet contains
fourteen lines. That makes $3.50. If
you want the heading, "To Addie," to go
and your name as well, it will be SO cents
more.-Sora Francisco ArgonGut.
"What plaguey fools some people are %
exclaimed Mrs. Gruf, as she read the
title of tract which had Just been left
at the door. "'Why Will You Die?'
Now isn't that sense2 Why will die ?
Because / can't help it, simpleton." And
Mrs. Gruff threw the literary conun-
drum into the kindling box.-BOstOTe
Transcript.
At meeting of temperance women
the other night an old lady got up to give
her experience: 81 know something of
the evils of rum" she said: "I have bur
led three husbands and all were hard
drinkers. But am glad to say" she con-
tinued, "that don't fight with them.
AS soon as found they would drink I
got them to insure their lives heavily
and let them go ahead. All, me each
one ofthem died from the effects of liquor
but, thanks to a. kind Providence, each
death netted me $4,000.
Old Gent: "Ah, Mrs. B.. did you keer
a diary during your visit to the country
Mrs. B., Indignantly: No, sir, I didn't
The family bought milk from the neigh
bors."
"Please, sir, give a poor blind man {
nick' II" said strapping beggar to gen
tleman on Austin avenue.
But you are not blind" remarked
the gentleman.
mo, but my partner is he is standing
down there on the corner, watching tx
see if the police are coming"
Following the death notice of man s.
r years of age, published in the Baltimore
f Sun, was the following choice flower o
: poesy:
} He heard the angels calling him
From that celestial shore,
He Topped his wings and away he went
To make one angel more.
t The lectures of Joseph Cook suggest
2 story to the San Francisco Bulletin: 'San
5 dy, what is the state of religion in you
town ?" "Bad, sir; very bad. There ar
l no Christians except Davis and myself
3 and have many doubts about Davis!'
It is a mean wretch who will shyl
, drop hair switch in car loaded wit
I women, and then smile as he sees ever
woman, make grab for the back Of he
head when she notices it.
, Uncle Jaky Martin married a coupl
s of colored individuals at Ef1ngham, o
: Christmas evening. It is unnecessary t
; state Uncle Jacky did not kiss his bride
+ Bonanza Floods daughter viii inner
e $S5,OO0,O 900. She is q sort of Flood that,
e taken at the tide, may lead her husban
to fortune.