St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1884-07-29
OLD GROWLER'S PHILOSOPHY.
He Finds the Roads to Heaven Numer.
Gus and Hard to Travel.

! He Finds the ROADS to Heaven Numef-
GUS and Hard to Travel.
Old Growler walked into the sanctum last
night and took his accustomed seat at the
dude reporters desk, preparatory to indulg-
ing in some of his philosophy.
''Did you ever think how many roads there
are to Heaven, and how hard they are to
travel?" asked the old man, as he glared at
the reporter.
''No, nor do want to hear" responded
the dude, as he caressed his bang, and felt
to see if the pomade had melted from his
hair.
81 went to church Yesterday continued
the old man, rehectively, ''an l struck
place whar Baptis' parson war holdin' forth
on the beauties of the great hence. l took a
seat near the door, an settled back to hear
the sermon, an when the people sang ''I'm
Coin Home" an an old gray haired deacon
knelt down to pray l felt at peace with the
whole world. But when | come out I knowed
more bout Baptis' religion than l ever
knowed before, an l concluded the roads to
heaven war numerous and hard to find.
''The old parson took for his tex some
thin bout allowin' little children to come,
an be said no man could get to Heaven on
less he was the same as q little chile. That's
all right, but purity seon he said no man
could get to Heaven onless he went on the
Baptis' boat an had been dipped by Bap-
it's minister.
THAT'S unreasonable. What do little
children know bout 'mersion! AM yet he
said man mus be like little chile fore he
could enter the kingdom of Heaven.
Not very long ago l went to a church
whar a Methods parson was tellin' sinners
what to do to be saved. He didn't eggsactly
say no man could get to Heaven unless he
belonged to the Methods church, but he in
timated pretty strongly that twas the only
safe an reliable method by which the golden
gates Of the great beyond could be reached
man could pull through If he belonged to
another church, an he had chance OF
gettin' in If he didn't belong to no church at
all, while it didn't make much difference
whether he'd been sprinklcd or immersed,
or hadn't been baptised at all.
Then there is the Presbyterans-od
other churches, all havin the same end in
view, but workin' on a different plan, while
the Catholics believe you viii be damned so
deep government Arctic explorin' exped-
ton couldn't find you unless you belong to
the Catholic band
"A person gets up and breaches that the
great hereafter is a spiritual existence, an
then he tells his people that there is a great
city there with the streets all lined with solid
gold an diamonds an sich things lynn
around promiscuous like. Now if the here
after is spiritual what use will gold be to us,
an what do we want with houses9
That's all wrong; all wrong" continued
the old man, more in sorrow than in anger.
DO you suppose that when man reaches
heaven an asks st. Peter to let him in that he'll,
stop to inquire what church he belonged to,
an if he's been immersed or sprnkled
Do you suppose he will care whether he's
come over by the Methods line, or the
Presbyterian, Baptis', or Catholic! cou'se not.
Pm not preachin' agin churches. They're
all right in their places, an hundreds of good
men belong to them, but when man gets up
an breaches soul into hell cause he be-
longs to another church, or don't belong to
none at all, / wants to know whar he gets
bis authority, an who gave him control of
the keys of heaven"
81 knowed good man onct who didn't
belong to no church at all He didn't believe
in the Garden Of Eden story, but he was a
lovin' husban' an kind father. He didn't
think the whale had swallowed Jonah, but he
never turned q man away from his door
hungry. He had his doubts about Joshua
keepin' the sun still, but he had none about
helpin' man along In this world. When
he died parson drew a moral from his life,
aud preached him into place not found in
the new version.
II know'd another man Twin in the same
village who belonged to the church. He was
a swindler, but his future was safe cause
he belonged to the church He sold sugar
half sand, but he had no doubts about the
Garden of Eden story-s His coffee was half
beans, but he was confident Jonah was swal-
lowed by the whale. When he died the
church met an resoluted sympathy to his
widow. They railroaded him to heaven an
checked his baggage through. The recordin'
angel shut up his book an took rest while
they was res 0utin'.
'Preachin' is good thing, but folks won't
get to heaven on preachin.' They'll be sur
prised when the prosecutin' attorney asks
them, How bout the way you treated John
Smithlf instead of ''Do you believe in the
Garden OF Eden storyl" an some of 'em
viii be surprised when they find out that the
man who helped his friends get in, while a
few of the church members don't. Do YOU
hear me! and the old man walked out, while
the exhausted reporter INDUCED in small
glass OF water and a cigarette.