Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-08-11

Grace (whispering): "What lovely
boots your partners got, Mary?" Mary
(ditto): eyes unfortunately he shines at
the wrong end.''
An advertisement of cheap shoes in a
Boston paper adds: Ladies wishing these
cheap shoes will do well to call soon, as
they win not last long"
There are two rules to follow in skim
ming milk. If the cream is to be sold,
skim deep; if the milk is to be sold, skim
deep. Never fail to skim deep.
Mary, be careful my child, when GO
ing out, have will of your own." ''Oh,
I've got a Will of my own, mother, but
he can't be with me all the time''
Wives are presumptuous creatures.
They are always asking for lock of
their lovers hair before marriage, and
taking it without asking afterward.
A very emphatic delegate from Ohio to
the democratic convention, on being ask
ed how his delegation stood, replied:
"Three for harmony and forty-three for
HI"
Lightning has played some strange
tricks lately While an editor was writ
ing purely original bit of humor light
ming struck the shears right out of his
hand.
The reporter wrote: ssThriving busi-
ness" but the compositor knew more
about it and set it up s'thieving busi-
ness" and both are now looking for po-
sition.
II wish my wife wasn't politician"
said Snifkins, sadly. sWhy?" asked his
friend. sis she democrat?" ssNo, she
is bolter; she won't let me in after half
past ten at night
The word 'sobey" has been stricken
from the marriage service by Canada
Methodists. This is right. The women
won't obey, and there is no use encour-
aging them to commit perjury.
81 should think you would need mil
itary guard to keep the young men
away" said citizen to the father of six
manageable daughters. "Oh, I'm a
pretty good foot soldier myself" was the
cheerful reply.
A young man asked the lady of his af-
fections the other evening how she liked
the looks of his new standing collar. Aft
Ell critically surveying him and the collar,
she replied, every nice indeed. 1t looks
like whitewashed fence around a lunat-
ic asylum
True modesty-Mr. Spinks-s.I had a
beautiful dream last night, Miss Briggs.
I thought was in the garden of Eden"
Miss Briggs with simplicity -"And did
Eve appear as she is generally represent
ed, Mr.. Spinks?" Mr.. S.-"I-I--I
didn't look"
''Oh, mamma, if you will believe it,
said pretty girl on her return from the
picnic, "the boat jolted as we touched
tho wharf and threw me right into the
lap OF the young gentleman 'sWhy!'
was the Mortified rejoinder, swhat did
you do?" 'I-I asked him if he would ex-
cuse my landing little prematurely."
Commodore Vanderbilt when a poor
man wished he had 1000 to buy some
steambort shares. His wife Immediately
handed him the amount. She had saved
it from her household expenses. Yet
some wives nowadays get five or six
dollars week to run the house and
clothe the children and never save a cent.
Going down to the main line of the
Rome Watertown and Ogdensburg rail-
road the other day, the locomotive whis-
tied and the train began to slow down.
A middle aged man, after stretching his
neck out both sides of the car, turned to
a fellow passenger and said, seThere amt
no depot here" Eyes, there is,'' said the
other, who was evidently familiar with
the road. ''Well, then, where is it? I've
looked on both sides of the track and
can't see any," 'sDo you see that man
coming across the field with mailbag?',
J Yes" swell, that is the depot.
Worked Wonders.-"My daughter was very had
off ON account of cold and pain in her lungs. DIR.
| Thomas Eclectric Oil cured her in twenty four