The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-04-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

Oillce.
I A Frenchman is teaching donkey
to talk. What we want in this coun-
try is man who will teach donkey
not TO talk.
Clara Morris has recovered from her
nervous prostration. She talked
straight two columns (solid minion) to
a Detroit, Times reporter, and now he
is nervously Frustrated.
What with Mr.. Barnun,-~Effr. Fore
paugh and the two white elephants. the
current sasss presents most gloomy
orts0oh Tor the adjective department OF
Webster's Unabridged.
Said conscientious auctioneer:
.rLadies, and. geatlemen. there, is no
sham abbutltheFcarpets. They are gen.
nine tapestry carpets. j bought them
of old Tapestry himself"
''Music," said DIR. johnson. sis the
least disagreeablelof all noises" The
learned Doctor did not know every
thing. He never lived next door to O.
cornet amateur or a piano-banging
young lady. ..t..t.
Perhaps no man was ever more dis
turbed by trille than the reporter
belle of q town at Il picnic, intended to
say ''she looked au fait," and found
the types had it ''she looked all feet"
At church sociable at Goshen, Mo-,
Miss DeLand has been voted the pret-
tiest woman in the place and Miss Day
the next handsomest. The proceedings
might have been concluded by singing
the hymns, There's De Land that is
fairer than Day. .','-Rochester Post-EG-
press! a}5N ~Hl5 ~
The papers are telling of lawyer
who heard Macbeth rehearsed, and
o.. was struck by the answer of the witches
when asked what they were doing: IA
deed without name" "Why, that's
void exclaimed the lawyer, "1'l
bust a deed without name in any
court in Christendom.
''Supe, supe," yelled the gallery
gods as. q supernumerary appeared
&between the acts and began jerking up
1flie carpet. The super, an unusually
8briglt specimen, quickly replied:
&tsR ell yeudp look hungry. Guess the
soup societies must be shut mp" The
calls suddenly subsidized. Philadelphia
CaI,
"This pail bought of you last week, :"
said a customer TO Deacon Gilpin
.'leaked like sin the first time put
water into it." "You amt been put
ting water in that pail, have youp"
-sWhy, yes.s' ssThat's what's the mat
ter. 1f you'd kept flour in that pail
You wouldn't had any trouble. "-Mar-
anon Ieaependeaat.
z IA writer on the subject of whales
Il, IL faA
out, there are many points in the struc-
fural organization of the cetacean vis-
cera far more like those of the ungulates
than the carnivores" Why would not
this be agood subject for our Winter
debating societies?-.NeW York Com
gnercidL Advertiser.
We often see in an illustrated journal
a splofch of black and white called "A
Study" 1t is thus called because it re-
quires several days study to determine
whether the top or the bottom of the
cut has got uppermost, and the conclu-
sion generally reached is that the artist
was wrestling with the delirium tre-
mems when he drew the thing. .--N0rriS-
foiO7s Herald.
A funny young man asked his love
the other day: ssWhat's the difference
between me and female sheepP" and
when his love gave it up, the funny
young man said: '..Why, just the samel
difference as there is between eve and
me. Unfortunately, his love didn't
see the joke, and now the funny man is
ventilatin" his ewemor otherwhere.
HarUard Lampoon.
e'Give me q telephone cigar" said
Hon. Thomas Warner, yesterday, as
he stepped up TO the stand at Pat
Murphy's. ''What kind OF cigar is
that?" inquired the unsuspicious Pat.
lone of the kind that you smoke in
New York, and they can smell in
-Bfooklyn,'' was the answer. Hon.
Thomas was carried out of New street
in an ambulance. Val Street Ne,os.
A tramp rang the bell of an uptown
fiat and the Irish servant responded
through the speaking-tube: "Who is it,
and phwat d'yces wantP' "Will yer
pleezc give q poor fellar drink of
coffee?'' called back the tramp pathet-
ically. '.Put your mouth to the thrum-
pet, responded Bridget, 'and I'll
pour ye down n drink" The tramp
did not reply, but departed in disgust.
.-New York Tribune
There is tradition of a Cunard cap
tain of years ago who, in his off-days,
prided himself on his curt replies TO
inquiries. A lady on his ship asked
him a civil question one day, when he
was especially cross. Don't trouble
me, ma am" was the response, "go
ask the cook; perhaps he II tell you. :"
''Excuse me. she said, Instantly, 81
supposed you We're the cook when | ad-
dressed you.r The captain was polite
the rest of the trip.
AN observant young man while IN
sFlorida. was struck with the human
like courtship of the heron. The fe-
males stand in 4 row and look uncon-
ccrned, while the males strut and dance
and prancc around on the sand like
Saratoga dudes. Finally, one of the
fair horons would smile on dude
heron, and away the pair would fly.
All. those left, invariably began to
cackle and chatter as soon rs match
was announced, and sometimes u rival
would pounce upon the lucky swain to
wiring his neck.
ss.No, Henry" she said, with coun-
tenance full of love and determination
Beautifully Blended, II can not consent
to be your wife this month or even next
month. Perhaps may in the gentle
spring time. .'BGt why not sooner,
dearestP" asked Henry, with a face
full of anxiety. ''Well, since you press
me. for the reason, dear Henry, l will
toll you. The newspapers say there
will be thirty eight shows this winter,
and l want to enjoy some of the good
sleighing. | have noticed there isn't
much sleighing for a'glrl after mar
riage, Henry" The wedding will not
take place till April.
A young lawyer, while making his
maiden speech in the court house here,
in defending little negro boy for some
petty crime, in the midst of an impas-
stoned appeal to the twelve good and
true men, exclaimed: "Ah, gentlemen
of the jury, you see before you this
poor trembling boy-without father,
without mother, without friends, with
out COUNSEL. At this point, the ora
tor was interrupted by n general litter
around the bar, and, to add to his con-
fusion the ,Judoe who WAS SmilinU on