The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1884-09-30
A RED NOSE.
BY GEORGE w. PECK.


nose who came in to sample the free
lunch.
"No, thanks, 1 do not drink" said
the red-nosed man.
"WelI, then, I would take in the
sign" and the saloon rounder and all
his friends laughed. The blonde man
sat down with the fellows who laugh
ed at him, and after feeling of his
nose, said:
Gentlemen, that red nose and face
Of mine is more trouble, to me than
all my wealth. ( am a temperate
man, and never drink intoxicating
liquors at all, and yet every time |
90 out fishing get sunburned so that
carry red nose for month, and it
would be hard to convince anybody
that | was not a regular old topper.
To-day | met some ladies in a car
riage, ladies that knew very well,
and only one of them, a kind-bearted
lady, who wouldn't 60 back on any
body, spoke to me. The others look
ed the other way, and the one who
spoke to me acted as though she
pitied me from the bottom of her
heart. 1t was all on account of nv
nose. If owe a man he wants his
money right away, because he thin 8
/ am drinking hard, and l will ruin
myself. My intimate friends are con-
startly being asked if do not steam
it pretty bad. and it takes good
deal of their time to stand up for me
and deny that 1 am a drunkard.
People are sorry for my wife and
children, and boys look upon me as a
frighttul evidence of what strong
drink will do for a man, and fathers
tell children to beware of the wine
cup when 60 by. and point to my
nose. l tell you, boys, it is pretty
tough for man who has not drank a
drop in years, and don't want to drink,
to be locked upon as drunkard. My
wife is one of those sarcastic women
who never spoil good story for rela-
TONS sake. One night l attended a
Scotch banquet where they had hot
Scotch whisky. You kn,w how it
smells. Well. some of it got on the
table, and | brushed nv sleeve in it,
but l did not drink drip. When /
got home, little after midnight, my
kew wouldn't work in ;he door, the
first time it ever failed to work, and
/ had to ring the bell. My wife
came down in her ascension robe and
opened the door, ami she insisted that
| had not bad The key in the keshole at
all. To show her that the key would not
work, held the door open and tried
the key, and | hope to die if it did
not work all right. Of course i
blushed, and my nose was redder
than ever, and my wife said, in her
peculiar tone, "Banquets often work
that way on men. Some of our best
citizens can't find keyhole when
they come home from banquet" |
tried to argue with nv wife, there in
the hall, and explain to her that she
did me an injustice, but she got a
smell CT that Scotch whisky on nv
sleeve, and while she knew that /
would cut my arm off before would
drink, she said if it was not whisky
she smelled, then she never smellen
whisky. | was so disguised that /
went up stairs to retire, but when |
went to pull my boots off | swow |
could not get them of. 1t was pair
of new tight boots that | only wear to
weddings and hanquets, and as l
tugged and pulled, my face got red
der than ever, and my wife looked at
me- with that calm look, as though |
she actually thought l was drunk,
when she knew better. She told me
/ could lay a newspaper on the bed
TO Tut my feet On, and sleep with my
boots on, adding hat some OF our
best citizens occasionally wet to bed |
with their boots on. To cap the
climax. / was taken sick at the
stomach, from something | had eaten
at the banquet. some sort of Scotch |
pudding that | was not acquai Eted |
with, but which Scotch friend who
sat next to me induced me to eat.
That settled it, and my wife held up
her hands in horror and said Mercy
on us, what will come nextp She
added that she hoped it wouli be my
boots that came next, so | could
retire. o, was mad, then. 1t was
aggravating, but I woke up the
coachman to pull my boots eff, and
when l explained to him that it was
a pair of new boots that / wore to the
banquet, he laughed and said that
was all right. He said the last man
he worked for he had to pull his boots
of every other night, and he didn't