Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1884-05-22
Wit and Humor.

At school the other day one of the lady
teachers asked the meaning of the word
orphan" This was a sumner for the
little ones, and in order to help them
the mistress remarked, 81 am an orphan.
Now, can some of you tell me what it
means?" Instantly little fellow raised
his hand and said, 81 know; it's someone
that wants to get married and can't"
Quite difference exists between a
mail train and female train.-Rose's
TOOthpicE.
A saloon and bulls head are synony-
nous. You can get horn from either
Hartford Journal.
When does a horse become a book
keeper? When he becomes charger"
-NeaOnaGr Independent.
About the only chin awaiting the in.
itiatory labor of the barber is the urchin.
Hartford Journal.
We think it is about time to place the
word butter on the retired list as an OBJ
solete term Indianapolis Scissors.
The theatrical "star' of the present
day too often beams only with the bright
ness of a second-rate tallow CANDLE
Roses IOOthpick.
It is surprise the girls are after this
year. But the men are growing cautious
and are not to be mistaken thus easily.
Indianapolis Scissors.
Mr.. Vanderbilt has an annual income
of $12,000,000, yet toothache hurts him
as bad as if he didn't have a MCKEE
Chattanooga Peoples Paper.
It beats thunder that we can't induce
our subscribers to pay up. They think
we want money to fool away buying
white ephants.-NeaOmGn Independent
A new book entitled "What can a
Woman Do~ An answer to the ques-
ton can be found by asking most any
bald-headed man.-NeGUmGTs Independent.
Since the unfortunate fall of our first
parents, human nature has been "com-
edy of errors" rich, rare and racy, in
sense of the ludicrous.-SScr1dGy Cline.
We have just been studying whether
it is better to have something constantly
on the mind or have the mind constantly
on something.-KentWcky State Journal.
OleOmargerine is in such common use
nowadays that married man can now
sit down and enjoy good, square meal
without any but her-CGTL PretzePS
Weekly.
A man working in starch factory at
Ind, had his lower Jaw torn
off by being caught in a corn-sheller.
He is now doomed to a miserable exist
Through Mail
When the calcium light of publicity is
thrown upon the iniquities of the scurvy
politician by the newspaper press, he
says "he is suffering all the horrors of
-bnIT b -
At certain hotel in Peoria, ILL.,, where
the meals were not always what they
should be, a merchant traveller one day
sat down at the table. He put dollar
under tumbler, and calling a waiter
said:
F'Do you see that dollar, JimP"
eyes, sab" replied Jim, with a grin.
'WeI, now, Jim, want you to get me
! real hrst-class dinner. You under
stand"
eyes, sab, j" and Jim set about furnish
ng feast fit for king. He had no
lime to see to anybody else. He hunted
Up new dishes, put extra touches on
and kept his eye on the dol
ar. Finally the NJ. Z. finished and
Vlping his mouth he winked at Jim.
"Yes sab" grinned the darkey in an
icipation.
"Jim do you see that dollar?" putting
MS hand on it in a generous way.
eyes, sah."
"Well you will never see it again" and
t went into his pocket and out of the
lining room, while jim Indignantly re-
marked:
"Who turn dat hog loose in heah ?"
"Then you love me truly, Elvira?"
Eyes, yes, my darling, truly, most tru-
y"
"And in spite of my poverty?"
What matters mere wealth, when
to the bliss of your noble
over"
"Thanks, thanks, my beloved, you
lave rendered me unspeakabIy happy"
would rather be your wife and live
q cottage than dwell In the palaces of
prince
Bless you, bless you, my own-but-'''
But what?"
"But haven't cottage.
Mr.. B. Ito his new wife)-'Do you OBJ
ect to the odor of tobacco, dear2'
Mrs. B. (who has been Widow)-"Oh.
10; not at all"
Mr.. B.-"Are you sure, dear? Don't
ay yes If cigar is distasteful."
Mrs. Bob, I love it."
Mr.. B.-"You dor"
Mrs. B.-"Yes; it reminds me so much
my poor, dear first husband. He al
7ays2
Mr.. B. stopped smoking.
Mrs. Coventry and her son were
rowned while trying to ford the Marias
les CYgneS river. near OuauemO