The National tribune., 1884-07-03
BROKE OUT IN A FRESH SPOT.


ways breaking out in some new spot Witty
Tom Corwin used to say that if there was any
thing beyond the foreknowledge of God it was
the verdict of petty jury. the decision of a
Justice of the Peace, or the result of a general
election. Had the genial statesman been dis
abled veteran he would have included the
freaks of the Pension Office as among the things
beyond the sagacity of Omniscence. May be
that Power knows what its next eceentricity
viii be, bat certainly no one on this earth
does.
One astonishing quirk follows another, as do
the changes in Kaleidoscope, and. like the
stripes on the showman's zebra, +" nary two are
alike"
Eve stop the press" as the country editors
are fond of saying, to record the latest corus-
cation of the brilliant intellect which psesides
over that perennial exhibition Of intellectual
phantasmagoria Patent applied for on that
phrase.)
The object of the same is one Leyias Whit
ford, who served in Co. F, LIST aIinn. Heavy
Art.
Levias contracted rheumatism while in the
service, as anybody was liable to, who made
his bed Tor any length Of time in the chill mud
Of the sacred soil, with no roof above him but
a particularly lcaky sky.
He does not seem to have placed much faith
in theremedia1 powers Of local physicians, with
their big bills to cure his disease Instead, he
yielded to the persuasive eloquence of the pat
ent medicine ad yertisements in thenewspapers.
aud used, without much good result May bot
ties Of the remedies whose virtues are set forth
there SO seductiyely. He appraised the Pension
olice Of this idiosyneracy of his, at the time
Of applying for pension, and after his hair
had grown much grayer aud thinner thing
which all who carry on a correspondence with
the Pension Bureau must expect-he received a
letter that made him forget for awhile even
the rheumatic twinges which destroyed his
comfort Of body and peace of mind. Certainly
document was ever better calculated to
make amazement take the place of every other
feeling for it read:
The testimony OF ell persons who have sold him
said medicines should be fled. Eaeh and ali OF
them should state when they sold Dir Whitford
medicines, and ii they knew at che time of said sale
thai lac was afflicted with rheumatism If they
knew he did take said medicines for said disease
j; Should he so stated On the receipt of the testi-
noay indicated tie case will receive prompt atteg-
tion.
Verify this passeth the understanding more
than tire Chinese puzzle, or why dog turns
around three times with the sun before he lies
down.
What in the. name of all that is imcompre-
hensible can the Hon. Commissioner of PEN
sons want with mass Of patent-medicine
Testimonials. gathered in this cunning way2
Is he covetoas Of literary faIae, and ambitious
to appear as the editor of the oft-cousulted and
widely-read patent-medlcine almanac2 Or is
he thriitily gathering up these testimonials for
disposal to the proprietoFs of the medicines
which shall appear to be most popular and efi-
cac.ous? This suggestion has business lock
abom it. which may vel arrest The attention.
still another Thought occurs to US: We all
kuos what unaeco1nta5le Eancies men have for
making collections Coins, postage-stanlps,
canes, pines. autographs, postsaaglzs, violins,
and buttons are familiar instances OF the col
lection craze. But it is liaille to take the
most unexpected ard absurd forms, especially
in men who have suffered some great disap-
pointment, Ike failure to obtain much COW
eted eubsnlatoriai nomination Mark Twain
tells q very funny story about man who had
the finest collection Of "bung-holas9 in the
world; another had similar carefully-made
aggregation Of brick hats while his unce
bankrurtea hi@sslf and died of a broken heart
because jealous rival prevented his compIet-
ing the finest collection Of echoes" in the
universe.
Can it be possible that the Hen. Commissioner
Of Pensions has ben bitten with a mild mania
for having tie most complete collection of pat
ent-neaicine testimonials in the world2 Does
he want 10 take the casual guest into his l.
brary after dinner and say, with the bea1ling
eye and husky voice Of the true collection
crank:
Now. sir, there's The finest lot Of certificates
10 the efficacy Of Pnnkinheds Painlessly Pur-
gasi9e Pills in the country, sir! Nolody's got
anything near 50 complete not near 50 com
pEete, sir! Icould get 100000 for that colIee-
ton, sir; but wouldn't sell it at any price,
sir; | intend it for legacy for ny children.
sir! You have 30 idea Of The trouble and cost
Of making such a collection, SIR
Some n.onomania must be at the bottom Of
this new yagary, for common sense utterly fails
to supply any rational reason for it.
TIE zrEI LAND SANDER.
At last the mean little SANDER concerning
Gen. Logan and the zuni lands came up where
it could be taken notice of and definitely set
tied a woeld-be smart and cunning gentle
plan hom New jersey, with the suggestive