davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
WISDOM BEYOND HIS YEARS.

1 heard very sensible thing recently from a young man who had just plucked the political bee from his bonnet
 "What are you going to run for this spring?" l asked. He has been a standing candidate for some position or other for sevearl seasoas past. 'I am not a candidate for anything" he said , "and l don't want you to get me mixed up in politics any more. If you ever catch me running again before Pm fifty, l want you to proclaim me swindler
 No, sir; I've been there, and Eve been burned. It's only one man in hun dred that succeeds in politics. The other ninety-nine, if they stick to the business, will wind up in the poor-house, or, what is equally bad, as stool-pigeons in gin-mill. l speak from an exper- fence of three years, and know I've just stopped on the brink of a precipice. Pm going to attend to business for the rest of my life-at least till Pm fifty-and then, if an admiring nation wants to make me a Justice of the Peace, Pm willing. But no high aspirations, o, no!" Ninety-nine out of every hundred of the young men who make business of politics ought to cut this out and swear by it. It is applicable to the horde of oflice-seeking youth who come from all sections of the State when the Legislature convenes, as well as to any who are afflicted with the political mania in Trenton. - Trenton (N. J.) Times.
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
WANTED A SQUAT.

During the height of the freshet in the Ohio River a relief steamer which was approaching Portsmouth discovered family of five persons floating down on the roof of their house.
 The steamer sheered in until the captian could call out that he would lower boat, but the head of the fami- ly replied:
 "You needn't go to any trouble about it."
 "Don't you want to be taken off?"
 "Wall, we don't feel oneasy."
 "You'd better come aboard"
 "No, l guess not. We've got plenty , to eat and drink, and the old woman and children are gittin' used to the | slant O the roof" "But can't l do anything for you? ?"
 "f-e-s, p'raps you might. It looks as if We war bound to land on the Ken lucky shore within the next ten miles, and if you know anything about the pre-emption laws of that State you might drop us hint as to the best site for squatW
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
rIrLEs AND TITLES.

Our London namesake relates an an ecdote of the late Victor Emmanual. The king, happening to be accosted by a peasant girl in the grounds of the palace at Turin, told her who he was. "Eh? Bah!' exclaimed the girl looking into the royal face "the princess would never have chosen such an ugly man as youv
 The duke of Norfolk tells q story about himself. lie was travelling in Derbyshire and had as fellow traveller in the same car fat, respectable and rich English tradesman with whom he fell into conversation. The train stop ped at station three or four miles from Chatsworth. Half dozen liveried ser wants were in waiting at the station, and gentleman who got out of another car was received by them with marks oi great respect He recognized the duke oi Norfolk, and greetings were exchanged between the two as the train steamed off. "Who is that swell?" inquired the stranger. "The duke of Devon shire" was the reply. "No, you don't say sop exclaimed the astonished burgher, "why, he is just as common, ordinary a-looking chap as you or l ]"
 Fine feathers make tine birds. In England when nobleman s title is known he is looked upon with profound respect. Yet in large majority of cases, with his title covered up, he would pass current as an English pork butcher or knight oi the goose and shears. In this country, where We have no titles of nobility, high official posi- tions fill their place. AS soon as man becomes president everybody forgets that year previously he was machine politician hobnobbing with the frequent CTS of corner groceries and ready to uud ertake any clrty work to make votes. When the shabby accident of politics advances some seedy politician to the bench how soon the title of "judge" buries in oblivion the fact that few weeks before "the court" was "walking on it's uppers" and seeking to pick up a stray fee in the civil courts "Senator' is magic word which raises the most dilapidated ward "striker' into immedi- ate dignity.
 Ability, genius, patriotism, honesty, are nothing out of office. If Wendell Phillips had held high official position at his death how congressional eulogies would have been showered upon him ! If Garfield had died when he was only a congressman how little attention his funeral would have attracted outside a thrifty burial committee The Ameri- can people run after official titles just as eagerly as Englishmen after titles of nobility, and in both cases the merit of the individual who bears the title is not taken into consideration - New York World
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
cAPER sAuor.

"A dream of fair women''-Rich men.
 Why is love like potato ?--Becauss it springs from the eye.
 A wife is to man what an egg is to coffee. She settles him.
 A relic hunter--A fellow endeavoring to capture widow.
 Dobbs says tailors would make splen- did dragons, they charge so.
 Some men are so lazy that "the spur into activity.
 The latest things in boots-stockings.
 The board of education-the school masters shingle.
 There are two things in this world mo- body is ever prepared for--twins.
 Married life should be sweet, har- monious song, and, like one of Mendels- sohn's, "without words"
 Somebody heard Boston girl say 'I think he looked like perfect raving angel in his uniform. He was awful Heavenly"
 Small Boy-"Pa, did you know ma long before you married her" Pa-"I didn't know her until long after l mar ried her."
 Where do we find the earliest men, ton of free admission to the theater :? When Joseph was led into the pit by his brethern for nothing.
 "Shall I help you to alight?" said a beau to country girl, as she was get ting out of carriage. "Thank you, don't smoke," was the sweet reply.
 At fashionable wedding in a western city, as the bridal procession was pass ing up the aisle, the organist struck up, "Beware! she's fooing thee."
 "Jennie, what makes you such bad girl ?" "Well, mamma, Ged sent you the best children He could find, and if they don't suit you, I cant help it."
 "Got on your husbands cravat, haven't you?" asked neighbor of Mrs. Bilkins. "Yes,' replied Mrs. B. sadly, 'it is llc oiiiy JIG bCtWSch uS ho"'
 "Did you dust the furniture this morn- ing, Nary" asked the mistress. ''No, ma'am," replied Mary, "it didn't need it; it had all the dust on it that it could easily hold"
 A ton of gold makes fraction over half million dollars, and when man says his wife is worth her weight in gold, and she weighs 120 pounds, she is worth $50 ,000.
 Little Jenny belonged to fashionable set. "Here, Jenny" said her father, "here's a new doll" "Oh, father, that's no good; take it away. They haven't worn those things for month. Y"
 'I'm all wool and yard wide!' shouted cowbow, as he gave his son. brero an extra side hitch and looked around for foe. "That may be-" re- piled an undaunted female, "but you won't wash"
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
HENRY CLAYsLAsr vIs,TTo THE HOUSE

Henry Clay's last visit to the House of Representatives over which he had presided so long and so well, was at the funeral of Mir. Kaufman, of Texas, in February, 1851. He did not come in
 with the other Senators, but he entered the House alone and took his seat i'm mediately in front of the Speaker. He did not remove his blue cloth cloak, but remained well wrapped up and unvary- ing in his position. had never before seen him look so much like an old, old man. The damp and gloomy day per haps conspired with the passing scene to depress him, or it may be that he was not in health. do not know, but sure l am tbat from his appearance no one would believe his voice could be even audible in the Senate, much less that, by the power of his eloquence, he could control or influence its deliberations. His face shrunken and shriveled, his eyes lusterless and heavy, his mouth in repose only when open and express sionless, he seemed to have so long since passed into the clean and slipper ed pantaloon," as to be no longer suit ed to the ardent encounters of the Sen ate. And yet, with few rays of sun shine upon his brow and upon his heart, how he could be himself again, old only in years
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05

The news editor who had shown tie managing editor special dispatch, called out, "Shall l put head on it?' just as a spring poet opened the door. The poet instantly withdrew.
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
WHY HE COULDN'T FIGHT.

Two Brooklyn boys found card case at Columbia Flights and Pierrepont street. It was not valuable card-case, but the boys at once quarreled for its possession. The smaller of the two a slim little fellow, with a turned-up nose, displayed such phenomenal ability in the matter of blood-curdling threats and general braggadocio that the other boy, who had head like cannon-ball and a fist like the knotty end of club, felt compelled to give up the quarrel in disgrace. A gentleman who was pass ing asked the larger boy why he did not take possession of the card-case, if he felt that it was his by right of dis covery.
 "Kin lick i'm? said the boy. In course l kin lick i'm. I kin tear him mp into bits, an chew an swallow i'm. |"
 "Then why do you do you stand here?"
 "You don't know that boy, Mister. Why, he can talk bggern' a preacher; and nobody but deaf boy up on Henry street dast tackle him. I've tried him more'n once, but he scares me off every time. Why, he'd scare the wits outen Sullivan. Lick i'm! Jest tie his mouth up an I'll show you how l kin lick i'm !"-T New York Times.
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
A NARROW ESCAPE.

Boy "Please, sir, there's lady wishes to see you"
 Great Editor-"Did she give you her card?"
 Boy-"No. She said her name was Ella Wheeler"
 Great Editor-"Indeed shall be de- lighted to have the honor of meeting that talented poetess. Show her in at once"
 Boy-"But, sir, you forget, sir"
 Great Editor-"Forget what? Hurry up. Show her in"
 Boy-"This is leap year"
 Great Editor-"Mercy on me so it is. Tell her l have been suddenly taken down with small pox."
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05

"No, indeed" said Mrs. Parvenn, "no, don't think she's fine looking woman at all. She may have nice eyes, but, mercy me, she's got no phy- sic "
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05

CHANGE OF FEELING-She stood for moment at the corner of Woodward and Michigan avenues, seeming unde- cided, and pedestrian heard her nut ter:
 "I cannot stand the tyranny of my father. I will pawn the diamond ring my lover gave me Christmas Eve, and with the money will fly to the stage and become an actressv
 She hastened up the avenue, entered pawnshop, and hastily thrust the ring under the nose of the proprietor.
 "Glass stones-worth about $3v' he said, as he returned it.
 She made jump for the door, and as she headed for home, she wildly gasped:
 l will not fly to the stage and be- come an actress, and call myself Gertie Lee! No! 1 will return home, and if the old man continues his tyranny, let him beware of paris green and rough on rats"
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05
"S0 THERE, NOW {"

At dinner not long since, in con versation with the lady next to him, Matthew Arnold happened to mention Wordsworth, adding, in an apologetic way, that he supposed very few Ameri- cans knew anything of that poet. The lady, who happened to be a very good specimen of the vera Americana, could not quite endure that reflection on her countrymen and took a strong excep- ton to the statement, informing the great man that he was mistaken. To tortify her assertion she said she didn't
 believe there was guest at the table who hadn't copy of Wordsworth's poems in his or her library. Mr. Ar mold, acting on the suggestion, inter- rogated each one on the subject. To his surprise he learned from the replies that every one Ohe party being either an exceptional one or some of it's mem- bers fearing to be found deficientl claimed to possess the poets works. We say fearing to be found deficient be- cause, under such circumstances, if an American worthy of the name had any uOuDJ us to WlGtnef ne owned the books, he would have given himself the benefit of it to aid in the confusion of the Britisher who should question that any American assemblage should not be thoroughly acquainted with Words worth's writings. We say he met with an affirmative answer to his question, and only wished to use the occurrence to point the statement that our trans portine friends do not give us credit for the cultivation We really do possess We would venture to make the further claim, and think we could support it, that take our people and compare them class for. class with the English, and they will be found to have as thorough an acquaintance with what is really best in English literature as the English 1 themselves.-[ Modern Age.
 The news editor who had shown tl.e managing editor special dispatch, | called out, "Shall put head on it?
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05

The latest devise used in England to make dark horse visible at night is to paint his blinkers, collar and other parts of the harness with phosphoric paint. This does little practical good. What is needed is patent for painting the road so that it will be visible.
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05

One hundred dollars is not considered a high figure for good coon dog in the Southwest. All the property some of the negroes have is in their coon dogs.
The Arizona champion., 1884-04-05

The reason why Oscar Wilde had his hair cut is, he is about to marry, and he will not allow any woman such an op- portunity as flowing locks" afford to get the better of him.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-03-14

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The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-03-14

= Trusted Clerk q she Pacific Express Com,|
pnny a "A. Louis. Mo-. ~<iss~ = Favorahie|
Opportunity roxether with eioo.ooo and
prcamp..
81. Lorls. Mo-. March q
The Pacific Express ONCE corner oi|
Fourth and - Charles streets, was ycsicr-|
day robbed 81 sum thu, win not fan short
Of 100000 BY prcntiss Tillcr, trusted
clerk, WHO proceeded ina sinenlariy bold
manner. Tillcr came here three years.
ago from Louisville. where he was ia the|
employ % the American Express Com-|
pany, and bore good reputation Ie|
was highly recommended. and wa en-
ploycd BY Joseph Temple ~ bond was
required ~ him ILL., duti, were simply
clerical, but he WAS one Of detail Of I'VE.
who took turn IN doing Office duty on
Sunday, receiving the packages brought
In by clcrkS from a. M. ~ 4 u. mi AL
3p. M. yesterday he told the day aich-
man, James Cranucy. who Wa tho only
other person In the Office. that ht H.
tended 10 20 out for lunch This was IN ab-
solutc dcfiancc II the rules III the Oflice.
Not believing that Tiller iniendctIio iolate
4 rule 80 well established a. that against
leaving the Office during business hours,
The Waterman busted himself In The back
room where freight Is received
This was the OppouunIi, That Tiiler was
awaiting Ne gathered All the packages
which he HAD received. concealed them
about BIZ person, locked the safe, and
considerably leaving behind him some
$4,000 IN bullion, quietly unlocked the
front door and passed ont into the world
thei, but richer NJ Si0V,uUu.
TnE w.rcnnAN
h.inc III fhr fretrht-rnom heard 4 ,,o,<a
n III front o,llce. And going forward
fonnd Y stranger ~tanainu INSIDE ~ fhe
foor .,i.l.,itiy lonkirc f.,r \ ..r.rt
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-03-14


IL the Senate On the ith the bill 10
Withdraw tae injunction w secrecy from
the members of THE Fitx John Porter court
tary Academy bill passed with an amend
ment MAXIM Ineligible for reappoiniment
al cadets expellef for haxing. Among
bills introduced was one granting copy
right " newspapers. The Till passed. pun
ish counterfeit M within the. United States
~ foreign Secnrities.--.. lii the House the
bill n amend the Chinese act was referred
20 the COMMITTEES OF the whole. Also tho
bill for permanent Improvement of the
Erie Canal. Consideration of thu naval
Appropriation bill was resumed AMI an
amendment reducing the medical and pay
corps ~ tive members each was adopted.
A BILL 70 pension the wife Of General
Frank r. Blair. ~ Missouri, u ~ ~ pre-
svnsei Ia Congress.
Fl NERAL services over the remains of
the late Minister Hunt were held in the
American Chapel AZ 81. Petersburg % tile
s.h.
Two trainmcn were killed aud sew
ernl persons badly injured ny j collision
~ two passenger trans near Juliette, Ga,
on the IN.
IHE thirl anniversary Of Pope Lco's
coronation w. celebrated IN thc Sistinr
Chapel a. Rome sn ie IN.
JonS GLA~cocK, while ii iii 81 zeal
ons passion, murdered ill., wife ami three
chillren. 81 dr. 10 biz house and then
killed himself In Fauauier County, Va. a
few days since.
AcoLLI~roS between Chinese soldiers
and Europeans, In which two N the latter
were wounded with hayonets, il reported
70 have occurred III Hong Kong nn the 9Th.
NINE persons were drowned on tho
9Th Is a collision lrfw.tn thu Norwegian
bark Amalia and the steamer Bertha on
GibraIter.
NELLr~. the Irish informcr. accuses
Patrick Mclaughlin. Thomas Hunt and
Michael McGinn with having murdered
Lord Leitrim.
CHARLEs LowSsBEcK. aged sixteen.
On employee N the Green knitting Com
pany At Amsterdam. n. NJ. was fatally In.
jurel by being caught in the shafting On
the iih. I'LL arms and ore lcg were torn
from hiS holly.
N the Mnldoon-Raucr Gryco-Roman
wrestling match AZ San Francisco. CAL. in
Tho night ~ sha IA FOR S,po side, Muldoon
WAN THE second nnd third falls and the
mntrh.
\ TIli secession party in Manitoba i
sniA Inin strpnKth.
I'm Prohihitionists II Connecticut
hare nonlnnted Elisha II. Palmer TOR Cow
crnOr.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-03-14

Tur latest rnofor discovered n fho
x.nor ~ h,~ulph,de ~ carbon. II X s.id u
he,t steam NJ point az powcr. economy ana
49,. control
OK the "a an Internal machine 81 tho
clock work Kind exploded in tho Post office
\, t;rc<hen. GERMANY. severely wcnadsnc
one per~on.
III 4 reported that A movement Is on
~. n l,.ko,a 4, change the name Of the
citv ~ bismarck "a Lasker.
n IA. recent hattie IN Erypf tho
r.h.l L. ~ I'D. General Cranam con.
tinnei III marcia Is Tokar. with but LITTLE
resistance. the Arahs sullenlv rctreatinc
before him.
OK the "a in the first Baptist Church
Of Boston. instead IL the regular sermon. a
..boom, was started 10 pay the church debt
~ 5000, and In less than the time usually
occupied by church services, the entire
amount was secured.
On the fth two million dollars in gold
were exported.
III j. said that Montenegro is prepar-
ing for another raid on Albania.
Prussia wants the anti-Socialist law
continued IN force two wears longer.
FoE the first two months Of 1851 lust
closed the fire losses in the United states
were more than <fa.Oooo 200.
Tur depth 81 snow Il ID Great ~ nor
.,,ns IL ~. pro,;,ca ~ mar. ~. ,.,n,a
y. f,r...,, y, .,t.~ .,s ,..,.. ,,,.;r ho,s.s
IL The attic windows.
THERE Is talk ~ a continental coali-
tion "a break tha maritime ana commercial
supremacy of England.
Tur Committee On Lands II the SEN
ate viii recommend the forfeiture II the
Texas Pacific grant ~ an almost unani-
nous vote.
The police Of London. Eng. arc hav-
ing an uphill JOB trying to locate the dyna-
miiees. A reward OF El.oo i offered for
their arrcs AMI conviction.
II the str,,tS N Montreal Gan hals-
,.,sa ,..,,,t..r.,,,s shs,.r,,~ .,a ,,.,n,l..ss
~ xn,,;.sssnslv numerous Il arn,,s4 ,nair.
$3.50, ..-.s,... ,....,..s-w,.s,,., .,.,,,,....
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-03-14

FoE February the reduction Of the
public i~bi WA over sa.uU.rA.
o. the 9th three suspects were or
rested aud aquansity ~ dynamite seized ID
a hpuss ia Glare Market, near the strand,
Lnd2n-
o. the 18th signal service predictions
indicated tia. Thu Lower Missls -lppi would
con inue rising. ami that the Hoods would
exceed Those of last year il The vicinity 81
Helena. Arkansas City. Nicksburg ami the
mouth " tae Red RIVER.
Il Randolph. Mas. al Italian pea
nut vender learned IA tile 18th that by the
death ~ Y bachelor urcie N Italy he had
become Count ami rich man.
Since June. lSs3, the decrease ii the
public dehs h. ~iT.5t1.vss.
OK the ist. the national DELFT. Il :
easA NJ Treasury. was >I.gss.T1l.isk
AT the close 81 business On the IL the
New Yorx bank he'd - .g0l.Vvp in excess
. legal requirements.
ANOTHER dynamite Internal machine
was found IN Loni MA NJ 1T.
THE shipments 81 specie % Europe on
NAA# ArN AtAAi AA'ttA @AtHN""f w etAN&I COIN AAl
si.02-.0ao in rold-
TnE coinage ~ silver dollars under
ne act IN February. is--. To MarchI 4. shows
q total ~ SIgf. iss.ila
Tie Grand Jury in Washington, u.
AN. iailed ~ indicf the pension agents
lately disbnfred for crooked practice
DrEI~G iss3 the produ ton of steel
rails was i.>.,.Ssf net tons. being about
twenty per cent. lest than in lss.
The spanish newspaper. El Progrcso.
published a Madrid, has been cond scated
for printing articles insulting 70 the King
The committee n the New York sen.
at investigating food authorizations has
obtained sworn testimony that the largest
orders f0r bogus butter received BY New
YORK dealers came from Albany and sara
toga. and that boarding houses are the best
customers FOR retailers.
ON the "a dispatches from al portions
of Minnesota, Dakota. IAa Anl Northern
Illinois told of another birding blizzard
with the usual ccnc0mitants III blocknded
trains. suspended business and personal
suffering.
AT Seven Mills. IN Butlcr County, d,
there ~ sid y exist case 81 genuine lep.
rosy