Morris tribune., 1884-02-20
THE WAY TO SUCCEED.
Some Business and Social Maxims
Which May bs Worth Remem-
bering.
TPuck.l


If you want to succeed in life, you must
wrap yourself in mystery. If you earn but
SIS a week, you must dissemble in such a
manner as to make people believe you enjoy
a princely income.
You must talk about wealthy people as
though intimately acquainted with them.
You must walk down town to save money,
and tell people you do it for the exercise,
which you need because OF your sedentary
position, even if you are hod-carrier in an
obscure neighberhood.
If you can't get an overcoat, smlhngly so
without one, and laugh at the man who wears
one, and say you are not delicate and the
weather is not cold enough, and you're afraid
you viii be obliged to put on your summer
undertaking if it doesn't hurry up and get
cold.
If you can't afford to leave the city during
the heated term, say you prefer the city every
time, and ridicule the country as much as
possible by saying it is only bower OF mus
quitoes and malaria, and that you can't get a
decent meal there to save your life.
But if YOU can't afford to live at Newport
or in the more fashionable part of the city,
go and secure den in Blocker street or
some other out of -the-way place, and camp
out for the summer, and tell your friends IN
the winter that you have been in Colorado.
If you are unable to secure Derby IN DC
tober, stick to your straw hat, and say that
YOU intend to wear it right into the winter,
because your hair is falling out, and the
straw is SO loosely sewed that the wind may
pass through and ventilate it.
Then, when an elderly man asks you how
much money you are making, out OF IDLE GU
riosity, turn about and sniingly ask him II
he thinks Tilden win run. Never answer ms
question, and, above all things, never swap
condolences or become intimate with people
you meet in boarding-house.
When man tells you how you might make
big fortune, ask him how it IS that he Is
poor. And when he tells you how rich he
would be if he were only your age, tell him
that 10 one can preach success as eloquently
as pronounced failure.
If YOU incline to gambling, keep out OF
Wall street. Leave stocks alone, and go
risk your money in legitimate gambling
house. 1t is all gambling, and the same
thing; but the regularly ordained gambling
house gives you your verdict right before
your eyes, on the spot.
Never rush in to separate two men who
are fighting on the street. If you do, you
may be struck by both parties. Stand OH
and take in the circus. Ii men have SUI
hclent prOVOcaulOn TO 1nauI estcu Juliet, IL
would be cowardly and wicked for them not
to fight Anyhow, it is none of your bust
ness, and you, therefore, have no right to in
terfere and spoil the fun; because we have
no more fun in this world than we want, and
the more we have the happier we become.
Never land at friends house at meal
time 1t will look as though you are trying tt
secure gratuitous dinner; and, besides, you
will not get better dinner than you can buy
anywhere for dollar; and they may have
number of things on the table that you don
like, and you will have to eat them out O.
courtesy.
Never spend $40, 900 to have your daughter
taught to sing, or play on the piano, becaus
you can go and get surfeited with the bes
professional living for 50. Besides, just a
your daughter is becoming proficient, sh'
will marry dry goods drummer and leav
YOU. After a woman marries she closes tn
piano for good, and stops singing In order Il
find time to talk.
Never order Spanish omelette in coun
try hotel.
Never buy dog from boy you don
know.
Never have picture taken with corne
in your mouth, an ACCORDION in your hand o.
fire-hat on your head.
Never wear cuff buttons or scarf-pln de
signed to show your calling.