Connecticut western news., 1884-01-16
WIT AND WISDOM.

gobbler into turkey gobbled.
 TILES with seriptural text upon them may be regarded as text.tile fabrics.
 Two BEADS are better than ono, par ticularly barrel heads.
 "I'M GOING to board" was what the log remarked as he entered a saw mill.
 "LADY SUFFRAGE is what they call it in Washington Territory.
 WHEN baby cries at night, do not become impatient Bc thankful that it isn't twins.
 HUNTING the hair-by the barber when the callow youth goes to get shaved.
 SANITARY science is all right in theory but typhoid fever and diphthoria keep pace with all Improvements.
 Ir is the man who has nothing to be discouraged about who is most discour. aged.
 TuE worst of an epitaph is that, as general thing, it is altogether too epi- taffy -Puek.
 'IF man empties his purse into his head, says a writer "no man can take it away from him."
 LOVE understands love; it needs no talk. No, nor gas neither, but at this season of the year it is hard on coal.
 To FILL the hour and leave no erevice for repentance or an approval-that is happiness.
 To ENJOY the pleasure of wealth thou shouldst first experience the fatigue of labor.
 HAND.PAGNTEp susponders are now worn, but lots of men will continue to hold up their pants with leather belt fastened with a shingle nail.
 MANY pianos are sold on instalments, and many more would be were it not for the difficulty of getting pianos warranted no: to wear out until they are paid for.
 SOME people who play the piano can not understand why others who don't play the piano are so much more pop. ular with their neighbos.
 DooroR-"There, get that prosorip- ton filled and take tablespoonful three times day before meals" pauper pa- tient-"But, doctor, I don't get but one meal in two days"
 LITTLE GEORGE was questioned the other day about his big sisters beau. "How old is he2" "I don't know" "Well, is he young2" "T think 80, for he hasn't any hair on his head"
 AN old Indian chief of hostile tribe recently made m speech, in which he called himself n "blasted oak" palo- faces whom he and his tribe have been anfoyns call him blasted paisanoN
 SAID q boy to n larger one eating an apple "Will ye gimme bitoq" "Naw" -discouragingly. "Will ye gimme the corep" "rhere ain't goin' to be no core"-annihilatingly.
 TIE skeleton of man holding in his hand lantern has been oxhumed in Chicago, and tho people assert that it is the remains of old Diogenos, who went around looking for an honest man.
 WE do not believe in race prescription, but the telegraph and telephone eompa- nies have obstructed the streets to that extent that wo are compelled 10 say, "The Poles must go '"
 NEIaHBoRs are very considerate in Norway. When a baby is born placard is nailed upon the door informing the community of the fact Those who wish to move out of the vicinity are thus en- abled to do so in good season.
 FoND FAruER-"This is the smartest child I ever saw. If anyone can set a river on fire he will when he grows up." Fond Mother-"Tndecd he will, hlesa his little heart. Only this morning found him stariinga fro under the bed"
 A LADY recently sent note to the clerk of Chicago hotel asking tho | whereabouts of certain gentleman. The reply was very guarded, and would have done credit to Philadelphia law yer "Don't know; he has been doad seven years. "-OH Clty Derrick.
 SMITH met Brown on the avenue with his bride. They had just returned from their wedding tour. "Whoro are they going 10 liye2" "I don't know. He told me he had been house-hunting since yesterday morning, and intended to take a fiat" "Ah indeed He has thon do- cided to follow his wife's example"
 A FRENCH LADY, on her arrival in this country, would eat only such dishes as she was acquainted with, and being on one occasion pressed to pariake of dish new to her, she replied, thinking she was expressing herself in admirable English "No, I thank you; l cat only my aequaintanccs,
 A Sr. LOUIS father who has had heart arranged matters SO that he could hear what was said without being obs served. He tells us that he listened for two hours last Sunday night while his daughter and her regular company occupied one corner of the sofa, and tln was tho sole conversation He. o.-"It lovic die. what nd dovic doP" she.- "Dovie die, too"
 "YEs, my son, il you would have something to occupy your mindi some thing which shall make you more studi- ous and thoughtful, and drive from your mind all frivolous thoughts and idle fancies, buy two or three shares in a iluctuating railroad stock, Yes, my son, you will always have something to think about, if you follow this advicc. If may not be money, perhaps; but it will be something"
 "wHAT did that lady say ?" asked Mir Buyem 10 his confidential clerk, "I'd rather not repeat her words, sir, re- l piled the clerk. "But I must know,