Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

The facility with which American
girls are caught by foreign mobiles, and,
after being entertained with talk of
marriage, are abandoned, is marvellous.
In Philadelphia etiquette q newly
married lady ceases to become bride
when she has sewed o button on her
husbands clothes, and IS then simply
the wife.
Such is the advancement of science
that vegetables and fruits can now be
grown without the light of the sun,
honey made without bees, and butter
without COWS.
NO" said the man who looked on
with unconcern at fight at the Phila-
delphia board of aldermen, that
seems nothing to me; I've run an
opera company"
The report that canal boat Captain
bought United States man-of-War
with view to using it on the canals,
is not true. He did not buy it.; he said
it was Internationally.
Mrs. Plat has written a poem to
show that the only happy woman is
dead. 1t may be possible that the only
happy man living is her husband, but
we shall not write poem to prove it.
The varnish on the heads of cheap
canes is depOpulating the east of dudes.
They suck it off, get sick, and pine
away Let subscription list be start
ed at once to furnish these canes free.
''Why did you put that nickel with a
hole i'll it in the contribution boX?"
asked one man of another. Because
| couldn't put the hole in without the
nickel, and had to put in something"
Yes, my DEAR said Mrs Rams
bothOm, speaking of her invalid uncle,
''the poor old gentleman has had
stroke of parenthesis, and when l last
saw him he was in 4 state of comma"
Little Jenny belonged to fashion
able set. Here, Jenny" said her
father, there's u new doll" ooh,
father, that's no good; take it away.
They haven't worn those things for
month.
The sarcastic paragraphist of the
New York Commercial ADVERTISER re-
marks: Several young ladies in Chi
cago are studying law in order that
they may attend to their own divorce
cases in after life.
A missionary says the tallest people
on the globe are to be found on the
northeastern island of Terra del Fuego.
A collector says the shortest" people
on the globe may be found right here
ut home when a bill is presented.
''Your fare, young lady" said the
stage driver, as 4 pretty miss stepped
from his vehicle, and was about trip
ping away "Oh, thank your respond
ed the absent-minded little beauty; Il
think your mustache becomes you real
we'll, too" She got her ride free.
The bar-room loafers are, to credit
their talk, the most broad-minded and
comprehensive tinanciers we have.
They pay the national debt daily lean
ing against lamp-posts, and settle
tariffs and other great problems with
great ease sitting on dry goods boxes.
do you think your horse has q
soul?'' Il Somervillc philhippist asked 9
brother hippologist the other day as
the two met in Union Square. Il don't
know whether he's got soul or not
was the reply, ''but I'm pretty certain
he's got the hcaves."
The Henderson (Ky.) Times longs
for the time when every man will tell
the truth because it is ight, be honest
because it is right. and live soberly
because it is right. 1t strikes us that
for 4 kentucky editor this is asking q
good deal.-BoSton Post.
A country newspapers weekly mark
ct report contains the item: There
has not been enough country butter in
town this week to grease a gimlet. :"
These country newspaper people have
odd ways about them. Now, what in
the world do they want to grease their
gimlets with butter for?
When q Cottage Hill little girl was
taken to dentist to have tooth ex-
tracted, she noticed that her mother
referred to the operation as pulling"
and the dentist as ''eXtracting," and
she, fearing double torture, inquired
plaintivelY of the dentist: Doctor,
shall | have to have my tooth extracted
after it is pulIed?' -OH City Derrick.
''What is q pharmaceutical associ-
ation?" asked q little damsel who had
carefully spelled out the long name in
the paper, and the old gentleman,
aroused from n perusal of the stock
list, answered: Farmers cuticle as
ISOLATION? Some of those fellows who
so around skinning the farmer, [ sup
pose. Why don't you read something
easier, my dear. "-BoSton Commercial
BUlLet5l3.
First detective-''Hist! | have y
clew.' Second D.-''Hush! Don't
speak so loud. What is it?" First
dare we observed?" Second D.
Nay, we are alone, but speak low;
even the walls have ears. Where did
you find your clew?" First Din
this paper. Here it is, right in the be-
ginning of this piece of poetry. List!
There is blood upon the moon. y
Philadelphia Call.
A concert by a Chinese band was
given in New York on Monday even
ing. There were no encores. From
the fact that member of the audience,
aS he loft tho hall hpartleSS1V rem ark