The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-03-13
WIT AND HUMOR.


preacher an will go to heaven" ''Yes,
an my pa is doctor an can kill your
ole pa.
"Yes," said the reverend gentleman,
''I am rector of the church, mother-in-
law is director, and my wife is cor
rector"
A little girl in church, after the con-
tribntion-box had passed, complacently
said, II paid for four, mamma. Was
that rightP"
eAnd the cloud welded the shadow"
sings poet. From which it would ap-
pear that the bard had just returned
from a negro wedding.
Talk about patience on monument!
For a.pieture of calm content observe
q plumber waiting for his helper TO 60
TO his shop for tools.--Ly'an Bee.
Sabscribcr-No; ''crazy as a bed
bug" is not a refined expression for Il
young lady to use. You should say,
''crazy as n bcd-quilt ''-Phitat!cipbtG
Ca!k -,
I'D like to give you a piece of nv
mind, Mrs. Smiggs. 81 wouldn't talk
of inpOssibiities, Mr.. Smiggs. The
article Sou speak of is too small to be
dYded. ~
An exchange says a little 4-year old
listened attentively to Scandinavian
preacher last Sunday, and then whis-
pered: Mamma, if bod tan understan'
Zat, He's dood one."
A Chicago firm is introducing wooden
slippers into)this country. The small
boy is all in a sweat for fear his mother
willtake it into her head to buy pair
harrington Free Press.
"A reporter asked Chinaman if he
expected TO marry. The wicked heather
made answer: ''Me malice? No, sir.
Malice no funnee; blette funnee single
man, allie same Mclean man."
'Isaac," says German merchant,
mark up cferyding in der sthOre dree
hundrct und tifety per cend. Here
comes a State House CLERK vot wants
drust. ."-Nceo Orleans Times Democrat.
DO you believe in laying on hands?"
asked parishioner of the Clergyman.
Certainly do" he replied. ''But if
your child is very bad 1 would advise
you to try a shingle. IN. Y. Journal.
II say, Mr.. Painter, can you do a job
for me to-dayP" Certainly, certainly;
what is itp'' "I want sign painted" ;"
..All right; what kind of a sign?" "a
sign of rain" Exit, lodging paint
pot.l :.
"A farmers wife" wants to know if
we can recommend anything to destroy
the common grub" We guess the
next tramp that comes along could OBJ
hge you, if the family can't stand your
cooking.
Crepusculous.- tenor Gust
from Paris): And have you never heard
of Gounod's "Crepuscule?' Unmusi-
cal young lady: ., dear! No; how dread
fril; is it anything like spinal menin-
gifts?
A timid young man has married a
lady whose weight verges closely upon
two hundred pounds. "My dear" he
saws to her, ''shall help you over tho
fonceP' NO." says she to him; "help
the fence!''
The single young women of Blount-
Vile, Tenn, have organized with a
motto: Total abstinence, or no hus-
band" We hope the ladies will quit
drinking now, and get married.-BoS'
ton Courier.
He recently led No. z to the altar
and, when asked for the ring, replied
1.Parson, I've hooked on to six of 'en
without ring, and we kin get along
this time. III try remember it in the
future, though"
'Is it possible, miss, that you do not
know the names of some of your best
friends?" inquired gentleman of q
lady. Certainly" she replied; 81
don't even know what my own will be
a year hence"
The man who discovered the key t.
the ancient Aztec writings was former
ly employed on the New York Tribune
and acquired the talent he has used Il
such good advantage in decipherins
Greeley's manuscript t-.---
''Ah! it was a gale" said Mrs. Rams
botham; lit shook our house by III
seaside. and 1 couldn't help murlnur
ing to myself. as lay awake. the word
of the old song, you know, my dear
Cease, Rude Borax.
Some genius has invented machin
to play pianos. This will fill long
felt want. When two young people o
opposite sex are in the parlor in tn
evening the old lady doesn't begin T.
saunter in until the piano stops.
"Papa's home Tonight is the It'll,
of new song So the old man ha
yielded at last. Let's sect must b.
about fifteen wears since they began II
coax him with Father. Dear Fa-.cr
Come Home. y Cincintlat5 pSata1tlag
.NsyhA. ...
dear mer' cried Mrs Blossom. a
she laid down the paper, sit seems tC
me as if state militia fellows are nj
ways in trouble. Here's an account o
a recent inspection where the company
turned out tifty-three men. Too bad
amt itP''
There are no oaths in the Chinese
language. When Chinaman has hi,
legs knocked from under him by boy
on clipper, he probably hurrie' home
and slams the door with laundering
emphasis. There must be some way tc
give vent to his feelings.
Lean passenger to very fat one
'tlf the company did the right thing
they would charge fare by the hundred
,weight."s Fat passenger-"Don't ad.
vocate that idea, for then they couldn't
afford TO carry such light-wclght pas.
sengers. ."-Austi's Sifti'tgS.
"Ecarly all the hotel men," says the
New York Mail, 'are now willing tC
admit that flats are hurting their bust
ness" And we had always supposed
that they made most Of their money
off the flats. We'll, well, what shan
we learn next?-BJStoR Transcript
An Englishman has patented de
vice by which the front wheels of two
bicycles may be so joined as TO permit
the machines TO be driven tandem by
two riders. The atmosphere is in {
very chilly condition when some En-
glishman isn't trying to do good.
To get rid of the smell of fresh paint
in chamber or living room, slice Il few
onions and put them in the middle o
the room. After that it will be Gesir