The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1884-08-29
VARIETIES.
Humble we must be If to heaven we go;
High is the roof there, but the gate is low.

| Yes, my wife is good poker player"
says farmer. And than he adds: "She is
also just as handy with the tongs"
Small Boy-"Pa, did you know ma long
before you married her? ?" Pal didn't I
didn't know her until long after had mar.
ried her."
| DIR. Deems says: Kissing is a purely
| American habit" Let us remember this,
dear brethren, and ever literally patronize
home industry.
| thrust men and they will trust you"
said Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Trust men
and they will bust you" says an ordinary,
everyday business man.
"A dandy wishing to be witty, accosted
ar old rag man as follows you take all
kinds of trumpery into your cart don't you ?"
Yes: jump in jump in"
"A near. sighted man in street. car, see
| ing woman holding pug'dog on her lap,
asked her if she had left her other children al
home And she got mad and called him
brute.
boys, can you tell me anything remark
able in the life of Moses ?" asked Sabbath
| school teacher. "Yes sir" shouted one of
the boys, "he broke all the commandments at
once"
~ wish my wife wasn't politician.
said Snitkins, sadly. "Why?" asked his
friend. rs she Democrat % "No, she's
bolter. She won't let me in after halfpasL
ten o'clock at night"
MIR. Doh, yes / was table boarder
there before l was married" Mrs D.
what does table board meanp" Mr. D.
"Well, at her house it means board that is
pretty much all table,"
Judge, desire to be excused from jury
| service" "Why?" asked the court. "Be-
cause can only hear with one ear" "Oh,
you'll do" said the judge. 1--WE only hear one
side of a case at time"
-"Young men," said tiresome and in
structive old muff to group of apprentices,
you should begin at the bottom of your bus
mess and work up" II can't" said one of
them. "Why?" asked the old muff II am
a welldigger," answered the apprentice.
-"Doctor I've got the lumbago. What
had better do for t?" swell, don't think
/ could recommend anything more simple
and efficacious than a capcne plaster"
"That's just my luck haven't had anything
but drawbacks all my life and now here's
another"
Poor john he was kind and forbear-
ing husband" sobbed the widow on her re-
turn from the funeral. "Yes," said sympa.
thizing neighbor "but it is all for the best.
You must try and comfort yourself, my dear,
with the thought that your husband is at
peace at last"
"A young fellow was pretty badly sold the
other day. He was told that the government
had decided not to issue the postal cards any
longer. "Well," he replied, II will get lot
of 'em on hand before they quit them. Why
won't they issue them any longer" "Oh,
because they are just the right length now,"
replied his friend.
First New Yorker-"How did you hurt
your armp'
Second New Yorker-"I missed the last
boat from Bedloe's Island the other night, and
while wandering around in the darkness l
stumbled and sprained my wrist"
First New Yorker-Ah, l see. You must
have fallen over the Barholdi pedestal"
Young wife NEW TO marketing)
may send saddle of mutton for dinner"
Butcher-"Yes, madam. What kind will it
be?" Young Wife houghtfully)-"Well as
my husband is away and there is no one in
the house but mother andmyself and the two
servant girls, you had better send a side sad.
die, think"
-"Nothing," said an impatient husband,
so reminds me of Balaam and his ass as two
women stopping in church and obstructing
the way, to indulge in their everlasting talk"
But you forget, my DEAR" retorted his wife,
meekly, that it was the angel who stopped
in the way, and Baaam and his ass who
complained of it,"
First schoolgirl, with sudden interest:
"Oh, / forgot to tell you that was engag-
ed?" "Really?" ooh, yes ;and am SO hap
Ply l don't know what to do" That's just
the way felt, but after you have been en-.
gagged thirteen or fourteen times you won't
give it a second thought Indeed, you'll have
to stop to think of his name"
"A sudden impulse: "But why did you
leave her so hastily9" asked sympathizing
friend who was trying to console lover for
his separation from the object Of his idolatry,
"Oh, it was a sudden impulse" "What sort
OF an impulse9" n don't know exactly"
returned the sufferer, thoughtiully, "but it
| must have been at least a No. 49,"
Mrs. Judge Carpenter made arrange.
ments to hire colored lady to do the cook
ing, or at least she thought she had made ar.
| engagements, but she was mistaken. l do my
own marketing and l shall expect you to ac-
company me" said Mrs Carpenter. Den
| we can't agree. nebber allows myself ter
be seen on de streets in company wild any
body who carries basket"
There is Judge in Galveston whose
| head is as bald as that of an American eagle
| A little boy living next door has got into his
head tn It lack of hair is inseparably connect.
ed with the title of Judge; consequently, when
n lawyer, whose head is densely covered with
hair, called and was addressed as Judge"
little Tommy shook his head and said you
amt no Judge; can't fool me-" "Why am l
no Judge ?" "Coz yer hair amt parted wide
enough" was the guileless reply.
-Ameiican-"D you mean to say that
you actually abandoned your large estate in
| IralapA and Amprioa In haUfn life
anew"
| New Arrival-"Yes, it is true"
| "But understand that you owned great
many acres, and that the land is very fertile.
What did you raise principally"
| "Rents"
ala lha forgot that in Ireland the land.
owners don't do their own farming. But
what did your tenants raiser"
"Cain"
Good Friends.
81 wish had some good friends to help
me on" cried idle Dennis, with ayawn.
"Good friends why you have ten" replied
his master.
Pm sure haven't halfso many, and those
| have are too poor TO help me-"
Count your fingers, my boy" said the
master.
Dennis looked at his large, strong hands.
Count thumb and all" added the master.
II have; there are ten" said the lad.
"Then never say you have not ten good
friends able to help you on in life. Try what
those true friends can do before you begin to
grumbe and fret because you do not get help
from others. Hyou are not your own friend,
it is foolish to expect others to befriend you.
The Lord helps those who are ready to work"
Wu,u VIZ IYyr Eop-uUhat 10 life pO
some one asked Montford. Hisanswer is one
: | &C tl,o r,,nct charninn fhin0a ever Wriftan !.