News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-05-08
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT THE WAGS OF THE PRESS
HAVE TO SAY THAT Is AMUSING.
From Tipperary-A Boys POeket-StrfIkinR
1t Rich-At the Stock Exchange Com
sOling-Over Long Ago, ETC., Etc.
FROM TIPPERARY.

- @AO
COLL allow no man to call me that. "
"Why not? What is sucker?"
tsShure, Oh don't know"
''How do you know but what it is
a complimentary term ?"
SIT may be, yer honor; but Moike
niver mint it for compliment.
"Don't you know that natives of the
great State of Illinois are called
suckers ?"
''Oi did not, but OF do now. Oim
shure Moike niver mint to call me a
native av that place, for well he knows
Ohm from Tipperary. IN. Y. San.
BOYS POCKET.
Buckles, and buttons, and top, and
marbles and pieces of string, screw
from rusty old mop, and scraps of
favorite sling. Slate pencils, and part
of lock, some matches and kernels of
corn, the wheels of discarded clock,
and remains of a mitten all torn. A
jack knife or two, never sharp, some
pieces of bright-c -lored glass, the rim
of an ancient jews harp, pens, fish
hooks, and pieces of brass. Old nails,
'sweeties," clippings of tin, with bits of
battered-up locket. All these, and
much more, are within the depths of
a little boys pocket.-The Continent.
HE STRUCK IT RICH.
"That's my uncle over there" said
fast young man to his fast companion;
''we're pretty near broke and I'll strike
him for raise. He won't go back on
me. Bet you the drinks I'll strike him
for ten and get it,
The bet was made and the young man
''struck" his uncle. A long conversa-
ton ensued. Finally the young man
returned, his face flushed with triumph
and some bills in his hand
81 told you I'd make it." he said,
"maybe we can make hit on roulette
with this"
Then his companion looked at the
bills, and there were only two 81 notes.
'But you didn't get $40, did you?" he
Eyes, I did, replied the nephew, as
his tone changed to one of sadness,
''oDly L had to take the other So out in
good advice. - Chicago Herald.
HE COULDN'T STAND TT.
r'Tyty u'ro S-ovt home vt,rl5 - essHNel
a wife of her husband. ''Is the singing
school exhibition out already ?''
''No; not more than half out" he re-
piled.
"Why didn't you stay to the close =?
Weren't you interested in the singing?"
'I was until a sixteen-year-old boy
to sing Larboard Watch
Ahoy.' Then I thought would come
home, go to bed and try to forget all
about it.
OVER, LONG AGO.
GLOW long have you been married,
Mrs. Slowbody?"
Give years.
Give years Why, you ought to
have wooden wedding"
"Have," replied Mrs. Slowbody,
glancing across at the meek figure of
man trying to hide behind a newspaper,
chad that when I was married. Bur |
ingtO2e HaeOkeye.
HE DIDN'T FIGURE LIKE THAT
A German tailor in village in Canada |
failed few days ago and called a meet
ing of his creditors. An investigation |
seemed to show that his liabilities were |
S4, 900, and his assets $1,000.
cit thus appears" said one of the
creditors, "that you can pay 25 cents on
the dollar"
'Vhell, doan' figure like dot, re-
piled the tailor.
"How do you figure?"
"Vhy, pays feefty cents on der dol
lar"
"How can you do that when your as
sets only allow one-fourth ?"
"Vhell, prings the odder money |
down from der house"
He was not permitted to fail.
WHAT IT TAUGHT.
Mrs. Bilkson-"I hope this, Mr.. Blk
son, will be warning to you"
Mr.. Bilkson-"What are you talking
about, anyhow ?"
Mrs. Bilkson-"Ani item in this paper.
1t says: "A man in Springfield, Me-, be-
ing invited to drink, poured out a glass
of whisky, looked at it a moment, and
then dropped dead Now, just re-
that, Mr.. Bilkson. the next
time you are asked to drink. It teaches
a terrible lesson"
Mr.. BIkson-- eyes, indeed. Delays
are dangerous. "-EUeniag Call.
ooNsoLING.
Mrs. Minks-"Who would have |
thought that that lovely Mrs. Blank,
who was bride only few years ago,
should now be suing for a divorce"
Mrs. Finks-"I do not blame her. |
Her husband abused her terribly"
Mrs. Minks-"Why, when they were
married her husband was just as devoted |
as dear John is to me- I would die if 1 |
thought that in a few years he could |
change that way"
Mrs. Finks-''Oh, don't alarm your
self, he won't"
Mrs. Minks-"You are sure, them?
Mrs. Finks-" Certain. All your
money is in your name. "-PhiIadellohia
Euening CAL.
AT THE STOCK EXCHANGE.
"I'll have to consult with doctor.
I'm not WELL"
"What is your trouble ?"
81 sleep too much. AS soon as
drink eight or ten glasses of beer, l can't |
keep my eyes open. I think I ought to
be bled."
81 can tell you what will spare your
eyes, and keep them open. Just you
let me sell you, at par, for cash, thou
sand shares of some railroad stocks I've |
got, and you will not be able to get
wink of sleep as long as you have them
on your hands. What is riches without |
health ?'-Austin Sitings.
AN EXPLANATION.
Glow far is it from the City Hall to