The Arizona champion., 1884-02-09
sMARTUN AND HIS SPOUSE

'nOW uo you tlllnh tillS boililtt ucCoihVS me?'
 Thus spake my wife to me the other evening as she airly poised before her boudoir mirror. tried to let on that didn't hear her; l pretended that was buried to the ears in one of Kel- ley's pig-iron speeches, but all would not do. My ears gave me away. See ing the tips of them, she knew that the rest of me was no far off--not very far boh, that is, and she persisted in pressing the question. Determined to get off if l could, 1 thought could do so by getting her to laugh, so I said
 "I pass, my dear"
 "Oh, you great brute, You think I'm posse do you? You wretch Oh, what did l ever marry such a brute tor?" and then she burst into flood of tears.
 That hoored me. \ woman's tears always did knock me out--or, rather, wash sme out--so l undertook to ex- plain my unfortunate repartee, and told her that people "passed' when they played euchre, and didn't want to play my hand in the game of "'matrimony' we were having,
 "Yes--been gambling again, have you? taking the bread out of the mouths of your wife and daughters. You want to see them without a stitch to wear! Oh, you heartless monster"
 Now, does any sane person believe such a charge as that? Do want the females of my family to appear on the streets without any clothing on them? Of course don't, and the charge made me SO mad that I couldn't help say ing:
 "Darn it, madam .-"
 That's right" says she; "get mad, i, swear, break up the furniture, and knock me down. It's so manlyw
 By this time had my can full and a quart over, so l ripped out: "The devil take the bonnet anyhow"
 "Oh, he's going to tear that lovely bonnet all to pieces, and I'll have to wear my old one all winter. Oh, my heart, my heart my head, my head {! Oh, catch mel faint-I faint" and over she stumbled as stiff as rail, on- ly she kept pounding the floor with her heels, and her mouth kept twisting most horribly.
 was frightened out of my seven senses--that is, if ever had that many. rang the bell, and called, but nobody came. Then l clattered the iire-shovel down the stairs, and finally the servant came.
 "'Run for the doctor, Betty, your mis- tress has been taken with a sudden spasm."
 "Then that cxasperating female (my wife l mean) spoke up-not a minute before she was in dead faint, I'll swear--and said
 "'IIelp me to my bed, Betty, I'll soon be gone! My poor, weak frame cant stand these tortures forever Oh, Bet ty, let me beg of you, with my last dy- ing breath, don't ever trust heartless man. Don't ever dissipate your hearts young affection on a false and ickle man"
 Now, seeing that Betty was about forty-five years old, and so internally ugly that it would give man the collie 10 look at her in the dark, even, I thought this was going it too strong, so snorted out.
 "There's no danger A man of any sense would as soon think of taking up with witch's grandmother. as with her."
 "Here my wife let off whole voley of blood-curdling screams, during which she managed to gasp out:
 "Oh, just hear him, Betty! After I've wasted all my young freshness on the monster, he has the heart to tell me that nobody but fool would look at me now. knew it! Pm getting old. I'll soon be in the silent tomb, and aft CT I'm laid to rest, Betty, l want you to give him my best bangs. Perhaps the sight of them--after Pm gone forever from his sight-will fill his hard heart with remorse; perhaps the memory of our young love will revive again, and he will bedew them with agonizing tears"
 How long she would have gone on in this strain, the Lord only knows, but just then happy thought strGck me! Yes, would play her own game; SO gave a prolonged
 "Kar-r-o-o-c-h!" threw upmy hands, and tumbled over onto the floor dead as Julius Caesar. Unfortunately 1 fell on an internal tack-point up-whch caused me to give several convulsive wriggles. But the way that dying wife of mine lit out of that bed and seized the water-pitcher, and deluged the upper part of my body with ice-watcr, would have paralyzed whole platoon of un- dcrtakers. And Betty, to make herself useful, or to get revenge, l don't know which, seized the teakettle and de- luged the lower portion of my anatomy with red-hot water. That revived me below the belt anyhow, and l kicked and screamed till the neighbors and policeman ran in and came near car rying me to the cooler as a confirmed lunatc. l wanted a cooler bad, of course, but not that kind.
 While applying arnica, faxseed mash, painkiller, etc, have mentally