The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-09-11
WIT AND HUMOR.

A Detroit paper says: ''The bicyc-
fist beat the zampillarotationist at Ann
Arbor last week" We don't know
what kind of an animal it is, but are
glad to know that the bicyclist came of
victorious.
Some one has discovered that the
high-heoled shoes worn by women pro-
duce softening of the brain. 1t was
not generally known that the brain OF
women who wear such shoes was To-
Gated so low; but it seems plausible
enough.
The poet Browning is being painted
by his son in all the glory of his scar
let Oxford doctorial gown for Balliol
College. of which he is fellow. This
may be all right, but it seems rather
ungrateful for young man to paint
his father red.-Boston Post.
A writer on health advises people to
'live in the sum-" Owing to the pres
ent inadequate facilities for transpor-
tation and the high price of real estate
on that luminary, we should not ad-
wise any of our readers to emigrate
there this season. Free
PTeSs
Waiter What will you have, Missp'
Customer docking over the restaurant
bill of farc) Permit me to cogitate.
In the correlation of forces it is rec
ognized property of atomic"
Waiter (shouts across the hall to head
server) Baked beans for one. -
Philadelphia Call.
Carrie" said one Somerville girl
to another yesterday. ARE you going
to the picnic Tomorrow liam; are
youp'' ''Of courser' What do you
intend to wcar?" '.My white muslin,
of course. What do you intend to
wear?" Il will wear q waterproof
cloak. I've been at picnics before.
My arrest is foul outrage, and I
shall make the authorities suffer for it.
What in heavens name were you
doing. Absolutely nothing. l was
officers swooped down and captured
me. HIM; YES. What do you raise on
your farm? Notes. Rochester Post
Express.
The seats in Western church are
set on pivots, like those in dry-goods
store. This enables the fair worshiper.
who sits pretty we'll up in front. to
turn around and count the number of
new bonnets in the house without
scrowing her head off almost. and
going home with stiff neck.-Norris-
tow1 Herald.
81 am choost as full ash a bag of
-four" remarked an inebriate to
sober friend. There is difference
between you and sack of flour, how
ever" What ish difference?" When
a sack is full it can stand up. but when
you are full you can't even lie down on
the ground without holding on. "-Ter-
as SJtiags.
..lf." said an Austin school-teacher,
'you 60 to a butcher shop and pay ten
cents q pound for meat, how many
pounds" Up went the hand of
new boy from the country. ''What is
it, Johnny?" "When we want meat
we don't go to a butchers shop. Pa
goes out on tho prairie and kills q
maverick. "-Teras Sifttngs.
"Jane. hear your beau is little
wild; not very steady. they say"
'Oh. yes, he is; he is one of the most
steady young men 1 ever saw"
..Steadya Oh. no. he can't be. I've
heard he was anything else but steady"
..Well, he just is steady. He has al
ways come to the house every evening
since we were first engaged. drunk or
sober"
A gentleman made his way into the
bed-chamber of one of his friends, and
found him fast asleep with pair of
spectaclcs upon his nose. ''What"
cried he. awakening him. edo you
wear your spectacles while you sleep?"
''Ohr" replied the other. Il AM so
near-sightcd that without my glasses l
could see nothing whatever in my
dreams"
'How glorious it is to be engaged in
purely intellectual occupation"
murmured a Boston maiden gazing
rapturously into the admiring eyes of
country editor; your own mental
faculties for tools. and the whole uni
verse for workshop. Now tell me-"
she added. "what do you find the most
difficult thing connected with your
noble profession?' Paying the
hands," said the editor.
Call.
"Ah, Charlie, my dear sboy, what's
your hurry?" ''Well. to tell you the
truth. Ned. my defalcation has been
found out, and am in rather a hurry
to get away" '.Well, come up to the
club and tell me about it, and-'
''No, lreally can't; have got to leave
in the morning. The Sheriff has Just
told me that will be arrested in day
or So" ''Well. good-by, old man;
write when you have time. .''-Boston
Post
She had just returned from Vassar,
and papa was stroking her hair fondly.
81 hope, my dear" said the old man.
-'that you haven't acquired any of the
vulgar slang phrases which so many of
the Vassar young ladies are said to
use" You bet haven't papa she
said brightly; when anybody catches
vited to slug me in the seventh rib"
dulge in slang. 1t gives a young lady
dead away. IN Y San.
1 was forced TO smile the other day
when Mrs Scoville, now known as
Mrs. Howe. the sister of the late Chas.
Guiteau, called on me to examine the
ms. of a book which she had prepared
for publication, and. In the course of
her conversation. stated that her
former husband was about to marry
again, and that she had lot Of wed.
ding stationery that they had not used.
and which she proposed to send him
in good and generous spirit, to facili-
ate matters on tho occasion.-Chicago
Tribune '.Man about 1oa0n."
An amusing story is going the rounds
of the Indian papers. told by a Kan4a-
har news writer. An Afghan lady
applied to the Amir Abdur Rahman for
q judicial separation on the ground
that her spouse was becoming bald
headed by reason of age. The Amir
solemnly ordered vial of sour milk to
be poured over the hus sband's head, and
ordered the wife to lick it OFT This
ceremony performed. the
woman was placed on donkey, her
face to its tail. and was led through
the hazar. Query: Is sour milk good
for badness?
A Modern Fable: The Fate of the
Fly who thought he had Dis
covered Soft Snap found his feet
stuck fast to sheet of paper, and as
he Struggled in Vain to Recover his
Il