davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
She Kept it Out of the Paper.

There is an old lady by the name of
Gushing residing in that portion of the
city bounded by Walnut, Hunter and
Wellington streets who is q living con-
tradiction to the assertion that a wo-
man cannot hold her tongue.
The old lady in question is widow,
and supports herself and family by the
sale of the milk from four COWS. She
is not ambitious TO shine in the social
world. Her chief objects in life are to
live contentedly and keep her name
out of the papers, and this she has gen
orally managed to do.
A few weeks ago, while attending to
her duties in the stable, shewas attacked
by one of her cattle, an angry bull,
knocked down and trampled upon.
Two of her ribs were broken, and she
was severely bruised withal. Para
mount to every other consideration.
however, at this time came the thought
that if the accident became known the
sanctity of her home would be invaded
by newspaper providers. and her pri-
vate affairs paraded before the world.
She therefore resolved to keep the Sc
cret locked in her own breast, and not
even to her own daughter did she tell
the particulars of the accident To the
doctor who attended her she merely
stated briefly that she had slipped and
fallen.
None but those of her own sex can
appreciate the heroism of the old lady.
Friends visited her and inquired for
particulars of how it happened not u
word. Her own children were solicit
Gus, but their questions elected not a
word.
There is nothing hidden which shall
not be revealed" but of the manner in
which this story came to be known, de-
ponent sayeth not.-HGmiltOn Spectator.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

had at last returned. and that he wish
ed to have an interview with him.
The letter ended by saying that The
bodily health of the patient continued
discouraging. and that he probably he'd
not long to live.
Without communicating the contents
of this letter to Helen, Mr.. Crawford at
once set out for the distant CITY from
which it had been sent.
He found that it was indeed his
nephew, but so changed that he hardly
could have believed it 10 have been
Philip if he had met him on the street
But Mr.. Crawford's hearty forgive
ness. and the news that Helen's affec-
ton had caused her ID condone the sin
into which his love for her had led him.
acted like Il life-y.ving elixir upon the
now penitent man, and again he felt
that tie future he'd in it u chance of
happiness for him.
He returned with his uncle, and he
and Hecn commenced life anew under
very different auspices to those which
had charactc lied their start in married
life.
To-day he is one of our most honored
and respected men, and nc young man
to whom he gives this advice, Never
conceal any truth from your wife, is
aware Of the bitter way in which he
himself learned the lesson which he
thus endeayors TO teach.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
Mixes Well With Sugar.

Il hear that some confectioners are
using tons of white earth in the man
ufacture of Candles" said New York
drummer to u milwaukee, grocer.
lis that SOP" said the lightweight
champion of honesty. 81 think it is an
outrage on humanity that such base
practices are allowed. They ought to
be summarily stopped
lit is rather rough, | must admit, :"
remarked the travelling man, clutching
his gripsack firmly and looking his
customer square in the eye, ''but then,
you know, the stuff can be bought
cheap, and when it is mixed with su-
gar not even an expert can detect il"
''Well, if that's the case, whispered
the honest merchant rs he glanced eau
tiously around, cant you ship me a
lot when you get home?"-Drake's
TraUeIer'S 1fagazine.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
No Cards for Phil.

Gard room. eh?" remarked a re-
porter as he glanced into Phil Mill
gans little office under the stairway.
''Well, | should say not, replied the
genial manager with considerable en-
phasis. Il fairly hate the sight of
card. | should rather have rattle
snake in my hand than q card, for l
could take the rattlesnake up to the
me, but I've no use for cards.
You must have played 'em up high
some night when the other fellow held
the best hand,' said the reporter in
quiringly.
''No, it wasn't poker that made me
hate cards, but only Il quiet game of
seVen-up. Shortly after the close of
the war my partner and myself had
nice place in Philadelphia and were do
ing Il big business. We had habit,
whenever business was slack, of sitting
down in the office and playing game
of old sled9e for the beer or cigars. |
used to drink beer in those days, but /
quit it long ago. One day he and | and
4 man who worked for us were PLAYING
4 game for the cigars-three for quar-
IOA, ~ W do Wei ClOSC, inNt III Illo cuu l.
had it in my power to give the game to
either one of them. Thought my part
ner could stand it better than the fell
low who was working on salary, and
SO | stuck him.
''Well, sir, he got mad and abused
me so that got mad and chucked the
cards into the stove. That made him
madden still, and before night we had
dissolved partnership, | paying him a
big bonus to get out. Then he went
and rented a place next door, and
started in opposition to me, and we
went to running each other. He
thought he could run me out, and
| thought l could run him
out, and we kept thinking so
until we both went broke The
sheriff sold me ouu-didn't even have
the mermaid left. / haven't played
card since | played that game in Phila-
delphia. They're altogether too ex-
pensive a luxury ."-Detrojt Free Press.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
Points for Florida Tourists.

Don't gather palm leaves; they with
er.
Don't say that you came from Chi
cago.
Don't expect the beds in the hotels
to stand up and the carpets to lie
down.
Don't say that Jacksonville is the
dullest, St. Augustine the oldest, and
Palatka the most delightful place in
Florida.
Don't acknowledge TO having eaten
frozen oranges until safe in the north.
Don't pay street-car fares. Be trans
ferred, as the Jacksonvillers are.
Don't mistake Yal-la-ha-at-maks
(Seminole for sour orange) for Yal-la-
ha (sweet orange).
Don't expect alligators to crawl out
of the st. Johns when called.
Don't look for real live alligators on
Bay street, Jacksonville, except in wire
cages, or suppose that any but real ma
tiyes wear them as ornaments.
Don't take live ''gater" home with
out tying q nice, blue ribbon round his
neck.
Don't expect the trains to wait for
YOU, or the STEAMBOATS, to be on time;
and don't be surprised at anything you
hear or see.-Harper' Monthly.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
The Darvinian Man.

A lady fair. of lin asc hi b,
Was loved by an APP III the lays gone by,
The maid was radiant rs the sun,
The ape Was ~ most u"slghliy one.
So it won d rot do.
His scht me fel through,
For the ma ID. wp'n MS 1--we took formal shape
Expic Sed such terror
AT his mon~IrCuS error,
That hc stammcrcd an apology and made his
'sCap".
The D cture Of discorcerted ape.
With a view to rise in the 81 cial scale,
He shaved his bristlcS ami locked his tail,
He grew mustaches, and he took his tub
And he raid n guinea TO toilet club
Bat it would not DO,
The scheme fell through.
For the maid was beauty's fairest Queen,
With golden tresses.
Like 4 real princesss,
While the ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the ap est ape that ever was seen.
lie bought white ties, and he bought dress
su Is,
He crammed his feet into fright tight boots,
And to start his Lie on a brand new plan,
He chrstcncd himself Darwiuian Man
But il would not do,
His scheme fell through
For tie maiden was fair, whom the monkey
crIvcd.
Was radiant boinr,
With brain for seeing.
While shaved monkey, though well-Eehaved,
At best is only monkey shaved.
Gilbert & Sullivan's new opera, Princess
Ida
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
They Shook.

At Toledo y sharp-looking young
man boarded the Detroit bound train,
and after looking over the passengers
in one of the coaches, he took seat
beside traveller with face as honest
as Il four-dollar bill. Just as the train
was about to start the young man sud-
denly said:
My friend. l am on my way to De-
troit to see my mother die"
'.Ehl that's too bad. :"
Il haven't got any money with me,
but I'll give you my watch for security
if you'll lend me so until we reach
Detroit.
Let's see the ticker"
The watch was 4 galvanized affair.
worth about fifty cents per pound.
The man with the four-doIIar face ex-
amined it, shook it, and put it in his
pocket Then he slowly drew 4 $50
bill from his vest pocket and handed it
over TO the young man. The latter
simply glanced ut it, and then the two
smiled. Then they shook hands.
Then the watch and the bill CHANGED
back.
The watch was a dead swindle and
the bill 4 counterfeit; and both belong
ed to the 'profesh.'
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
Mexican Girls.

The rich are so very rich that they
have no ambition; the poor so desper-
ately poor that they have no hope, to
speak of. The daughters of the
wealthy pass their lives in vacuity;
those of the poor are so poorly fed and
dressed that they nearly all look hum
ger bitten and i'll developed. There
are no lyceums, debating clubs, dra-
matte associations, public lectures,
picnicS, or any athletic sports in which
the women can join. They are IS
completely without good shape as any
set Of women | saw. / doubt if there
are Il dozen of good forms in this city,
and as to legs and feet-Apollo, bless
us!-the stockings of an average Hoo
sier girl would 90 twice around for 4
chihuahua belle. A resident physician
tells me that the health of the higher
class women is wretchedly poor. Very
few of them can nurse their own chill
dren. They usually marry ut from Is
to II and are careworn at %. This
physician attempted to introduce bicy-
cles, but the young ladies had neither
strength to manage nor persistence to
master them. A few hammocks were
sold here, but the feeble things nearly
broke their necks in getting out of
them. A really plump, vigorous,
healthy woman of the wealthy classes
is a rarity, though many of them have
q sort of languid beauty. Ponder these
thiAgs in your heart, and the next time
you see 4 beautiful senorita swinging
in voluptuous languor Con the top of u
ClUar bONN in q OOrUpOuS hammock
with delicate wrealhs of smoke circling
from her pretty rosebud lips, you will
know her for the printed humbug that
she is. As to real beauty. that which
satisfies the heart of the natural man, I
can find more of it in one class of Indi-
ana high school girls than in the whole
State of Chihuahua-ift this city is fair
specimen.-COr. Houston Post.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
"a Cousin of the Late Jesse James"

The other day big, greasy, stout,
healthy-looking beggar entered one of
the leading esta Adjustments on Fourth
street, st. Louis The first person he
encountered after entering the portals
of the store was n well-dressed young
man of affable and pleasant manners.
The mendicant proceeded to narrate Il
well concocted story four and a half
yards long. He was cut short by the
salesman, who CURLY remarked that he
had nothing to waste on big, burly beg
CARS.
Eyelng the young man from head to
foot, and giving him you-are-certain-
ly-not-going- to-refuse-me look, the beg
gar endeavored to shame the young
salesman into contributing something.
''If | was as well dressed and pros
porous looking as you are," said the
mendicant, II would be ashamed to
refuse dime to poor man like my
self. Look at that fine diamond pin
there! Look at that watch and chain
there and cutaway clothesi Oh, I'd be
ashamed, [ would. .
Now, here" said the salesman.
''when | give my money away / want
to know that it goes for some worthy
charity and not into the beer saloon.''
These remarks delivered, he pushed
the beggar out of the way, whereupon
the latter said slowly, but in a determ-
ined manner, his eyes meanwhile rivet-
ed on the young man, Don't crowd
me! I'm second cousin to the late
Jesse James. -
The salesman's blood was now at the
boiling point and the second cousin of
Jesse James lost no time in getting
out doors.-St. Louis Republican.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

First actress see you have man
aged to attract. attention by having
your diamonds stolen again" Second
actress-"Oh, you think it was only an
advertising dodge, do you? Well, |
would have you know it was nothing of
the kind" First actress-''If / were
going to try that game should invent
something new. Having diamonds
stolen is rather ancient" Second ac-
tress-'Invent something new? Well,
you might start report that a burglar
had got into your room and run off
with your new wig and false teeth y
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

20 years, when old oys;ermen believe
that death is finally caused by contin-
ued growth OF shell. until it becomes
too heavy and thick for the venerable
inmate to handle properly whereupon
he starveS 10 death.
With al these chances of dissolution
staring into what face the oyster has
Gas n matter If fact, nothing but
mouth). it will I've seen that the OYSTER 5
lot is not an entirely happy one PHIL
adeLphiG Times.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
Plantation Philosophy.

De shrewd man ain de bes' citizen.
De sparrow-hawk is mighty keen, but
he Il awful rascal.
De bes' work whit q man does is al
lus slow. De con sprout doan rush it's
way through de clod.
De bes' man sometimes shows dat he
is outer humor. De gentlest boss
sometimes tries ter bite yer when yer
buckles on de saddle.
When q coward takes up de notion O.
tighten, he ken whup . brave man.
De snappin' dog what backs inter de
fence co'ner is awful.
When oman comes ter me an tells
me dat one O de neighbors is bad J.
knows dat one O dem is bad, but de
oman whut does de talkin' is de one.
De man what am allus at work aim
no sign dat de neighborhood kahn do
widout him. De suck-aig dog is polk
in roun' while de fox houn' is er sleep.
De prospects, O man is allus greater
den dc tack whut follows. De fish
pulls mighty hard fore yer git him
outen de water an yer think dat a
ounce cat fish weighs ten poun' s.
Opie p Read.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

A good reason:

80 you have no liking for mar
riage?' says a gentleman to the lady
who has just rejected him.
ION the contrary" she replies, II
have been married three times.
Then why not try again?"
Divorce cases are SO expensive"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

A lemon tree on the farm of Thomas
Kennedy, at Noonan's Lake, Fla,
nineteen years old, has borne eleven
years, and has earned for its owner
$106 in single season.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
An astronomical reason:

Mr.. Prudhomme, on leaving matt
nee performance, says to friend
1T Is curious that each time | d.
rect my footsteps into one of those day
representations | or see the star.
What do you suppose is the reason?"
My dear Monsieur Prudhomme, you
know that the stars only shine in the
nightn'
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
Why he gave a pourboire:

Il don't think much of that" said a
waiter scornfully rs he picked up two
cent piece given him by a customer.
Neither do /, replied the customer,
otherwise | shouldn't have given it to
your
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
Precautions against fire:

Precautions against fire:
'.Above all be very careful about fire;
| have great horror of it, says the
mistress to the new cook.
pray don't be alarmed, madame;
there is a fireman in my kitchen al
most every EVENING" replies the
cook.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
One of Rossini's 1zlotS:


At the opera one evening there was
a sextettc where four of the singers
modestly affected themselves before the
two stars who were then in vogue.
The two singers did not please the
author of William Tell.
Those four who do not sing" he at
last said, impatiently, "are probably
the seconds. They really ought to stop
the duel!'
In one of the new girls schools:
The inspector arrives to make an ex-
animation.
II wish to have the best informed
young lady to come to the blackboard, a"
he says, solemnly.
No one moves.
Then" says he gracefully, 81
should like the prettiest one to
come"
They all stand up!
This scene is laid in a provincial
city.
The body of man found in the
street is recognized as being that of Mr..
Mueller, living in such q street, such a
number.
''Be very careful" says the leuten-
ant to one of his policemen. land an
nounce the sad fact to Mrs. Muller very
delicately."
Count on me, lieutenant. -
The policeman starts off, arrives at
the domiciIe of the deceased, reflects a
moment then smiles like q man who
has found a solution to a problem,
rings the bell at the door of the poor
lady, who opens it herself:
lis it here that the Widow Mueller
lives?''
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

Mr.. Samuel Mackey. of New South
Wales. has farm of 5000, 900 acres.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

Dialogue between uncle and nephew:
VIII you lend me 10000 francs?"
asks the youth.
No" replies the uncle
Since | am your only heir"
Il do not wish you to squander your
inheritance in advance; l have too
much interest for you
Give me your capital, then; it will
replace you very we'll in INTEREST,""
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

De shrewd man ain de bes' citizen.
De sparrow-hawk is mighty keen, but
he Il awful rascal.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

De bes' work whut man does is al
lus slow. De con sprout doan rush its
way through de clod.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
At the Stock Exchange:

-h0 VIZ NTSONRN I'm HUH =
My dear boy, the business world is
divided into two camps, the gamblers
and the spectators.
Il don't exactly see the differ
ence."
Its very simple. The speculator is
the one who gains. When man loses
he is only gamblerm
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01

On the morning of the academic
election candidate for the vacant
chair meets one OF his friends.
My dear" says the friend, ''allow
me to congratulate you; it appears that
you have every chance of being cleo
ted"
That is to say that | had them
month ago, at the time l made my Wis
its. But now it looks doubtful"
How so? Its impossible! You
haven't published anything SINGER
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-01
SATISFYING his creditors:

Satisfying ms credltors:
First bankrupt: Since l filed 4 state
ment of my affairs l have had no
peace.
Second bankrupt; 1t is always so
with creditors: the more you give them
the more they want"
The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1884-07-30

Oas By one the old ciiirsns q Jackson
are passing away. Mr.. GEOReE FEAns,
Who has resided here for over forty years
without any special ailmenf, bot worn oui
BY the tolls Of life Of eighty ak years do
rution, On Saturday morning last, calmly
and psaesfully crossed the dark river
He passed away a. quietly a. an infani
falling asieep.
Mf. Fearn vas native Of DGnTille, Nif'
ginis, bu; Ia early Life moved 70 Huats-
vile, Alabama, where he vas married, a0d
where his children were chiefly raised.
On the death Of his wife, some forty or
more years ago, he moved TO jackson,
where be was engaged in active business
until stopped by the war. He was a sue
cessful merchant, and at the breaking out
Of the war had established a large business
and had accumulated quite a competency.
After the war he gave up active business.
He was one Of the most public spirited
citizens we had, when IL was in his power
to be an active participant In public
affairs. He was 4 man Of most positive
character, strong in his convictions and
answering from what he conceived to be
a duty, either public or privste-honest,
truthful and brave, possessing in a great
degree that moral courage Which tends so
much 10 adorn and command the life OF a
true man. He soorned every word and
action that was not heightened and honor
able, and scorned alike men, who did not
stand on the same elevated plane. He was
warm and true friend. He was held in
high esteem by the whole community.
Mr.. Fearn was among those who fret
organized ST. Andrews Parish in this city,
and was from time TO time an active mem
Der ofthe vestry from the organization and
was a liberal contributor to The support Of
the Parish until few years past. When
his health permitted he seldom ever missed
Sunday without attending service. He
never became a member Of the church
however until some two years ago.
His funeral was largely attended from
St. Andrews church at 5 o'clock Sunday
evening, there being present representatives
Of four generations that have lived in
Jackson during Mr.. Fearn's residence
here.
The clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1883-1888, 1884-07-30
Thanks of the Capital Light Guards,

The Capital Light Guards, through the
undersigned Committee, desire to return
thanks for the pleasant and successful Feta
rendered them by the ladies, and especially
TO the charming and agreeable Mrs. II.
c. Myers, so efficient and competent. and
ever ready in all good works, who SO kind
ly consented to manage and direct the en-
tertainment. Under her supervision, with
the hearty cooperation OF our esteemed
lady friends, Mrs. Jno. Fl. Odeneal, Mrs.
l.. Brame, Mrs. Will Henry, Mrs. Geo. S.
Green, Mrs. Robt. Cameron, Mrs. Writ
Adams, Jr., Mrs. Jno. P. Stevens, Mrs.
Oliver Clifton, Mrs. Jones s. Hamilton,
Mrs. Jno. p Withers, Mrs. w. H, Perkins,
Mrs. DIR. Jno. Hunter, Mrs. Will Cage,
Mrs. c. G. Campbell, Mrs. Robt. Will
son, Mrs. T. T. Person, Mrs. S. b.
Ware, Mrs. ]. l.. Power, Mrs. w. H.
Gibbs, Mrs. A. L. Brunson, Mrs. H
Fl. Parker, Miss Halle Kausler, Miss
Mamie Buck, Miss Kate Power, Mics Matte
Alexander, with the active and solid aid OF
MIR. Will Henry, whose liberality and
jealous interest was unhagging from the
beginning to its close, as was manifest in
the various ornaments and devices he 40
kindly donated. There was nothing left
undOne that would add to the pleasure OF
the occasion. These ladies named pre-
sided at the diffeeent refreshment tables
and were aided in their good" work by
the young ladies and Misses, who, though
we do mention them by name, are remem.
bered for their kindness. The lights and
transparancies we're beautiful, the decora
tons graceful and tasty, especially thos,
in the dancing hall, which were under the
immediate direction of Mrs. Jones s
Hamilton and Mrs. Will Henry.
To Mrs. S. b. Ware, for so generousl,
permitting the use of st. Margaret Hal
and grounds, and to the Gem Silver Cor
net Band, under the leadership of Prof
Isidore Schwartz for the delightful an,
splendid music rendered, and to Mr.. t. 7
Persons for fayors, we return especia
thanks
We acknowledge our obligation for tn
nice sum raised through your endeavors
and are confident, that under no other con
troll, than those who had charge, could tn
entertainment have been carried to its sue
eessful final, as will be vouched for b
every one who were fortunate enough /
be present.
GEO. +. HUNTER,
Ed. YERGER,
} CLIFTON LIVINGSTON,