Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-04-23
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

| Louisville Courier journal.
A PHILADELPHIA organ-grinder has
sued a woman for libel. In moment
of evaporation she called his poor un-
offending little monkey dude.-Ph&t0-
delphiG Call.
A YOUNG lady who recently received
| bouquet of roses was somewhat amused
to find the donors visiting card attached
to it, and written on the wrong side
these words: ''Not to exceed So.
ONE society lady to another-"They
tell me that the reason Fitz Nubbs isn't
more liberal is because he puts his
money all in the bank" Second lady
80 my husband says. He calls it the
Faro Bank. life.
Tn Dakota-"John, have you been
looking at the thermometer lately?"
eyes, only half an hour ago." "What
was it?" ''Twenty three degrees below
zero" "What q fraud that weather
bureau is. Old Prob. said it would be
cold to- day. Anon.
EUDoRA-''How we'll you are looking,
dear" Minerva-"Yes, exercise daily
| with the Beacon Street JamesUnpleasant
class, you know" Eudora-"Jamesun-
pleasant? What in the world is that?"
Minerva-"Well, vulgar people call it
gymnastic class"
eyes, Sill" said the happy man, as he
entered the New Jersey Hotel, 81 want
dinner; want it bad" From what we
know of New Jersey hotels, we haven't
the infnitesimal atom of a shadow of a
doubt that he got it bad. boston
Post.
MASTER: "What made your cousin so
late last night?" Servant: "Faith, sur,
he was afeared to go home, sur" Mas
ter: "Why didn't he go home earlier In
the evening, then ?" Servant: "Shure
an it vusn't until late that he was
afeared !"
TRAVELS in Utah-"Is your mother
imp" asked visitor of little Mormon
boy who opened the door. "No,
ma'am," the little boy replied, with
tears in his eyes Che had just been
spanked), "but my brothers mother is
in. philadelphia Gail.
ASPIRING artist: SCI must say it is very
inconsiderate of your father. (Sarcas-
tically). I suppose if l were a pork
packer like himself he whuld not objlct
to our marriage" Dutiful daughter:
every likely not. He says ne prefers
good pork to bad pictures.
''Grace," said seven year-old, "what
is the matter with your doll?" "WelL"
said Grace, with a deep sigh, as she ex-
amined the cavity once concealed by a
rubber nose, ''she has cancer"
elbow she must suffer-" eyes, poor
thing, but she never speaks Of it.
eyes, you may come again next Sun
day evening; but"-and she hesitated.
''What is it, darling? Have l given you
pain?" he asked, as she still remained ST.
lent. ''You didn' tmean to, I'm sure" she
responded, shut next time please don't
wear one of those collars with the point
turning outward. "-An1herSt Student.
MABE1-Isn't it awful the way these
western cowboys carry on? Edith
Yes; but it is no wonder they are such
desperate characters. Mabel-No won
der? Edith-No. They have to be as
brave as lions, you know, in the first
place. Mabel-True; / forgot they had
to go near cows.-PhilodelphiG Call
On the drop curtain of the Biiou The
alter is q picture of Hadrian's villa. I'm
derneath is the Latin inscription
"Salve." 'I say Jimmie" said boy
to his companion last evening, as he sat
in the gallery watching the play, "why
don't they put down the name of the fell
low whose salve they are advertising Z"
Tribune.
ST CANNOT understand why there
should be so much suffering in this
city, remarked Dakota man on his
first visit to New York. "There seems
to be whisky saloon on every corner.
Out our way we have to walk four miles
sometimes for drink. That's where
you see abiect misery. "-PhiladelphiG
Call.
Mr.. and Mrs. Buntlin we're going out
to walk. "Wait," said Mrs. B., ''until
I go back and get my umbrella" SIT
isn't going to rain, is it?" asked Mr.. B.
mot that I know Of" "Then why do
you take the umbrella ?" sob, / always
like to have something along with me
when I'm walking" Mr.. B. looked
bothered, but didn't seek any explana-
tions.
ZU1E1KA carried lighted candle to
the front door the other night in order to
speed some departing guests. A puff of
wind blew out the flame, and ZuIeika's
small child chung timorously to its moth
er's skirts and peeped out into the dark.
''Oh, mamma she cried, show [
should hate to be candle and have to
go out at night. "-NeaO Orleans Plea
yat1ae.
"WHAr kind of looking man was it
that called Jones iar?" asked Mrs.
Bangle of her husband. sob, he was
short and stout, with blue eyes, light
hair and a aaez repouSSe-" 'tNez re-
trousse, my DEAR" corrected Mrs. B.
"RepouSse means hammered or
pounded" "Thank you, my love-" re-
Joined Bangle. ''Then that is just the
word to describe it when Jones got done
with him. '-LGfe.
Mrs. SATINsK1N was delighted with
Fogg's little compliment that her COM
plexion was fair as Barnum's white ele-
plant until she read that the white ele-
plant was not white, but of 'Fa light
ashen color, with pink splashes." Then
she was 'just as mad as she could be"
as she took occasion to remark to her