Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1884-07-24

I
IN cash, the proceeds of a cattle sale of a
few days previous. The man for whom
she deserted loving husband is named
Krum, and is described as a drunken
and dlsslpated fellow. The husband had
no idea that Mrs. Hern, who is q young
and comely woman held him-Krum-
in anything but friendly esteem.
Sample HumOr of the Fellows Who Are
Salaried to be Funny.
Robt. ]. Burdette in the Brooklyn Eagle.
"What should young fellow wear at a
| picnic?" young Hyson wants to know.
Ware the fruit cake, young man, ware
the fruit cake, if you don't want to come
home bitter, cynical, man-hating, I'M
believing inf1del. And keep away from
the swing, too, if you expect to have any
use for your arms next week. "But you
like to swing the girls?" OF course you
do, but when a joyful old matron of 48
bright Summers and 232 pounds of life,
who assures you she does not feel day
older, Mr.. Hyson, than when she was II, -
climbs into the swing early in the day,
and all the rest or the young fellows flee
to the woods, and she assures you it sis
perfectly delightful; just like flying, he,
he, he!" and keeps you at it until after
luncheOn-now look here, young man,
|
doubling around and shaking your head.
You listen to your father and store away
his wisdom in the strong box of your
heart where the president can't get away
with any of it, because the cashier was
there the day before-yOu keep away
from the swing.
THAT RED SIGN.
Detroit Free Press,
"Why does the woman stand on the
corner with her gaze fastened on house
in the center of the block?"
Because she sees a red sign on a
honse and she thinks the place will suit
| her"
'Now she is walking down. Yes, she
| likes the location. It is handy to the cars,
and the people on either side look as if
they would lend their fat.irons and
wash-tubs."
Does she ring the bell?"
"She doth. It is answered by a solid
woman with a sort of nitric acid eye."
"And after she has asked how much
the rent is, and how many children the
neighbors have, and what society can be
| looked for, and whether the landlord is
willing to make repairs, what happens?"
"Oh, nothing much. The solid woman
draws herself up, shuts her teeth hard
and points to the sign and misses: Idiot !!
Can't you read""
"And then?"
"And then the other backs down the
steps and reads: Scarlet fever here"
and goes away realizing that she has
contributed something to the general
happiness of the human race"
MEDICAL ITEM.
Texas siftings.
It often occurs that doctors do not care
to tell patients the whole truth. An
Austin doctor has very neat way of en-
couraging the patient, and at the same
time he does not deviate from the truth.
"Doctor, please examine my chest.
There is something the matter with my
lungs" said man far gone in consump-
ton.
The doctor examined the patients
chest, and consoled him by saying:
'You just go home, and don't bother
about your lungs"
"I don't say there is nothing the mat
ter with them, but they will last you I'M
til you draw your last breath, and you
certainly will not have any use for them
after that"
A ROMAN "REMINISCENCES.
| Chicago News.
While Rome was yet burning, and Luz
| puritan, was employing every means to
catch the early mails, Titus Quibblerius,
the musical critic, arrived in hot haste.
what news from the fire?" eagerly
inquired the enterprising Roman journa-
list; shave the Diocletian baths succumb-
ed to the devouring fames~
"Of that I have no information" re-
piled Titus Quibblerious, the musical
critic; "but have here a Wo-colum criti-
cism of the violin fantasia performed to-
night by our most august Emperor Nero.
[ find that in the seventh andante pass
age of the third symphony he slurred
| the descending fourth note of the D in
alt, allowing the Instrumentation of the
contrapuntaI adagio to staccato with a
vibration to quality into an inOrdinate
pianissimo fOritu r"
| MUSIC OF THE FUTURE.
Hartford Post.
"Do Imogene, keep away from the
piano, please. Your attempted playing
tires me-"
aWhy, now, Clotilde, you said only
week before last that was playing re-
markably well"
81 know, Imogene. But my judgment
Liszt's simple music quite well, but since
l was in Boston my soul cries out for
Wagner. I would learn the Wedding
March from Lohengrin if were you"
! "Pll learn my wedding march from
! this honse before you Will. Yours will
be music of the distant future"
Conversation followed by true sisterly
silence.
| TAFFY BY THE TON.
Hoosier.
"How many times did the clock strike,
Iovey, the last timer" asked the spooney