Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1884-09-10
"HELP WANTED"

gentle reader, (of course all readers are
'-gentle"--it's popularity that mod
eTn writers always endow them with,
and imagine that we are developing
cannibalist;c symptoms, which induce
Us TO call for "a girl" with a view of
having her served up in any manner :;
neither do we wish to awaken recollec-
tions of our bachelor days lthe time
when We were always in rant Of girl
for Mrs. O'Pagus has given us large
enough dose of that kind of a girl to
last a lifetime. MOL When We say
I'VE want a girl ~ it would be more
clearly expressed if We said 1--WE want
Young female to assist Mrs. O'Pagus
III housekeeping and domestic duties
generally" And do not fancy for an
instant that this want is a novelty in
our establishment. Oh, dear, mol We
have been wanting them, on and off,
land generally having them on and off,
for the last three yearS-or ever since
our domestic dynasty has been eStab-
llshed. We have repeated this demand
at intervals of several mOnthS-some-
times every two or three weeks, and
even 50 often as twice in one week. OF
GoAASt we hllOW We uOl tlOut III lillS
CRY of distress. But We are alone, and
far beyond all competitors, in the mis-
fortunes attending the cOmlugS and 60
ings of our helps and We are positive
no romance can furnish greater vari
ETY. of incidents and accidents than the
hired girls have furnished our family.
and still continue to. As another evil
dence of our Ill-luck in this respect, We
are now again in want of a girl, and
repeat the old ciy : I'VE want girl ~
OF course, We can imagine that some
prospective ''pater fsmilias" will ad
wise advertising" We can hear some
inexperienced young female inhabitant
of the honeymoon say: "Why dent
yom 90 to an intelligence oilice?" Grac-
lOuS powers Why, We have sat in in
telligence offices from nine until one
O'clock; We have neglected business !;
and Mrs. O'Pagus has allowed the meat
10 be so well done that it looked more
Ike the Joint from a negro than the
round of beef it was bought for And
then we were compelled to return home
empty-handed, heavy-hearted." Weare
now on the yearly list of every select
intelligence office in the city, and sew
ersl that neglected to have the word
"select" painted on their signs. As for
advertising" we have taken so much
money to Sixth and Chestnut stree 5
that we have long wondered why the
proprietor of the Ledger has not added
another wing To his building, and called
1t ''Ihe O'Pagus grant - or, at any
rate. made us a life-member on his ad-
veTtising list. The obliging clerk be-
hind the counter, who attends the
dumb-waiter and sticks the waters, no
sooner sights Mrs. O'Pagus than be
writes down: ''Girl wanted /; small
family; no children at present." &c.
Yes We have tried every way, and all
kinds. We have had halfgrown, full
grown. and oyergrOwn: white, black,
and variegated; Irish, German, French,
Swedish. Scotch, African, and Ameri-
can. We have had them single, mar
ried, and divorced; ith1couslns, and
without some endowed with beaux by
the dozen, and some destitute of a sin
gle follower all sizes. shapes, and
ages. And as for names, We have had
all the names in the Bible and Webster's
Unabridged (tAat would serve as ham
dle) at home in our kitchen. VI Marys
we have had about twenty; katies
about eighteen Sallies about seven-
teen; Llzzies, sixteen Bellas, twelve
Bridgets, ten, Armies. nine; Jullas,
eight; GuSsies, seven; Jennie-, five
Carolines, four; and at least two or
three each of Hannahs, Fannies, So
phlas, Josies, Beckies, and other Christ
ian names not SO common, with now
and then colored Cleopatra or Semlr-
amiS. We can no more remember the
names and faces of the girls who have
already graced our house, than could
Brigham Young remember the time he
courted his first half dozen or SO We
cannot enter a grocery or 4 cigar store,
or German lager beer saloon, without
being greeted by some female with the
words: "Why, Mr.. O'Pagus how do
you do? Why, don't you know me
I'm Mary" or Katie" or Lizzie, "
OF some other one OF the numerous
names that have at one time or other
figured in the domestic vocabulary OF
our home. But Mrs. O'Pagus knows
them all. Let her but clap eyes on one
of her former airy bellies, and she VIII
say: "Why, that is Fanny, who used
five pounds of cooking sugar IN one
week l'' or, "There is that wretch
Beckie, who left the week after she got
her Christmas present ~ Or in church
she will suddenly start up and say
Look, Arryl There is our first Saran,
with the very feather in her hat that L
gave her when l bought my violet vel
vet bonnet last fall ]" Once, in crowd
coming out of the theatre, she shocked
us with her sudden exclamation
There AIRY, is that Caroline we had
last spring, with the very dress on !
gave her week before she ran away !
L feel like going and making her take
it off right here In the street ]" But
she didn't. Still, Mrs. O'Pagus was
with them all day, engaged them and
discharged them, so she ought to re-
member both them and their peccadil-
.Gs
cost OF our girls had no followers
,ssn they were engaged. We once had