The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-02-14
Butter.

patient study 10 the subject which Ia
necessary in all scientific writings. But
l will try TO do my best; and, ut oil
events, / cannot fail, for / have it on
very good authority that there is no
such word.
have always been accustomed, when
about to write scientific article, to go
first to the dictionary and find out the
exact meaning of my subject. In this
way / have at once avoided many
serious mistakes in the subject matter
sometimes called, printers plumbers" },
and at the same time have often d s.
PEELED some photographed misconcep-
tons OF my own, which might have
prejudiced my manuscript in the eyes
of the editor.
Accordingly assail the subject of
butter by thrusting my finger in at the
second chapter of Mr. Webster's de-
lightful little monograph on the En-
glish language, and turning to the
adversatives, but" etc, find that
butter" is described as "an oily, unctu-
Gus substance, obtained from cream or
milk by churning."
/ believe Mr.. Webster is nearly right.
If he had added that butter was of two
kinds, bald and hirsute, he would have
been more absolutely correct. But
then, Classification is no part of defini-
ton. 1t is my part to classify-Mr.
Webster's to define.
AS this is. believe, the first purely
scientific article ever written on the
subject of butter, / shall take the liberty
of being somewhat precise in my classili-
cation. j shall first divide the kingdom
of butter into two great sub-kingdoms,
as foresbadowed in my criticism OF Mr..
Websters definitions.
/. Butter1ts hirS1ttus or Hairy But
ter; and
III. ButteruS !eris. Smooth or Bald
Butter.
BUttey'uS hirsutuS is of three kinds !:
/. Goats; 2. Grocers' butter; 3. Oily
margarine Bald butter comprises but
two kinds: l. Farmers butter. and
2. Axlegrease.
OF the three kinds of hairy butter,
the first is the strongest, the second the
most hairy, the third the freshest. The
distinction between the two kinds of
bald butter is that the first comes III
tubs and the second on hubs
Farmers butter is most used at the
North, axle-grease at the South.
once bought pound of grocers'
butter, and had it delivered at the
house. When / came home in the
evening, noticed that my wife had q
new switch on her head of remarkable
size and glossiness. / was about to
fall into violent passion-for it was
only the day before that had cautioned
her about hair-dressers' bills-when she
put her hand playfully over my mouth,
and whispered.
Hush, hushl it was the butter"
She then went on to explain that she
had extracted with her own hands n SO
switch from 80 cents, worth OF butter.
That night | was poor man. To-day
/ am a bloated millionaire and wear
diamonds. / invested in grocers' but
ter and made switches.
"Oleomargarine" / have had in the
house, but l never could make anything
out of it except by selling the name to
novel writer's at an advance of 10 per
cent. pound. 1t makes very pretty
name for sentimental heroines. l have
large and choice assortment of the
first three syllables still remaining,
which / Will sell in lots at prices TO suit
the trade.
Of goats / think the less said the bet
ter. They are q very inconvenient kind
of butter to handle. Ny wife keeps q
goat, which she calls William-after
me, suppose. But William and are
not friends.
There are only two ways to get along
comfortably in the same family with a
goat. One is not to go near him, and
the other is to keep away from him alto
gether. / have tried both ways, but
still am by no means personally ex-
empt from experience on the subject of
goats. have known William intimate
ly-sometimes more intimately than at
others-for more than six years. If he
were not my wife's dearest protector I
think l should cut him for good. L
should do it just behind the ears.
Farmers butter is pretty good-that
is, it is very dear. 1t comes in tubs, as
/ have already stated, and when it is
not strong enough to carry the tub the
farmers wrap it in pieces of old sailed
linen, and this gives it strength. Farm
ers are very fond also of putting what
they call butter color" into the tub to
take away the death-ike pallor of its
contents. i have been accustomed to
buy my carrots in this way for several
seasons past, and find it great saw
ing. To be sure, the butter is not quite
so nice as the pure lard-like product
would be; but it looks better in com
pany, and then, too, ~gilt-edged" and
"golden-seal' are such beautiful and
heightened expressions FOR the head OF
the table to use, as he loads up the
butter plates and sings them around to
each guest.
Axle-grease l never tasted-never
had n burning desire to, either. 1t is
said to be very popular in Southern ho-
tells, but that / cannot vouch for by ex-
per ence / have been contemplating
n trip South, but think / shall hold
off until can afford to have o Saratoga
trunk made with refrigerator compart-
ments, so that 1 can carry fifty or a
hundred tubs of farmers butter along
with me. Puck.
The time-honored joke concerning