davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13
Why the World is Given to
Lying,

This is Charles Dudley Warmers |
theory The human frame is acknowl- |
edged to be a wonderful piece of
mechanism. The Psalmist admired it,
but it puzzled him. If he had been a
scientist he would have been able to
give physiological reasons for the
opinion that there is not one perfect
man-no, not one. Scarcely perfect
woman.
1t is known that two people do not
see the same thing alike, and cOnse-
quently they describe it differently.
They do not hear the same statement
alike, and they always repeat it with
variations.
OF all witnesses the eye is the least
trustworthy. 1t appears to be the most
subject to delusiOns. There is a reason
for this. No two persons have eyes
alike. The two eyes in one head are
seldom alike; if they match in color
they are different in form, different in
focus. Not one eye in ten millions
is in a normal, perfect condition. The
focus is either behind the retina or in
front of it, and the eye is either near
sighted or far-sighted. What can be
expected of such an imperfect organ in
the way of correct observation
1t appears to be still worse with the
ear. 1t is at best a crooked organ,
and nearly everything that passes
through it gets twist. And these two
defective machines are allied with
probably the most deceitful little mem
Der that ever was-the tongue The
effort of the tongue to put into sound
and speech the so-called impressions
obtained through the complicated
mechanism of the eye and the ear is {
ludicrous failure Any one who il
familiar with court of justice o.
neighbOrhoOd talk knows that. AnC
owing to the sympathy of one part 0
the body with another, the thumb an,
the fore and middle fingers-whicl
hold the pen-becOme infected. Th
substitution of the inhexible style
graphic pen for the flowing quill an,
; the infeXible steel it was though
would tend to remedy this defect.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13
An Outrage.

1t is really remarkable how the
average darkey regards the law as a
remedy for all ills, and as proper to be
invoked against everybody but him
self.
Two rather intelligent-looking color
ed men appeared before an Austin
Justice of the Peace to make complaint
against old Uncle Nose.
"Jedge," said one of the darkies
1--WE have stood it as long as we kin,
an now we is gwine to hab the law on
him."
"What does he do?" asked the
Justice.
"Dar is a law agin working on de
Lawds day. l know dar is law
'hibitin' de conservation of the Lawd's
day by fisickikle and emmanuel labors.
Bean't dey, Jedge?"
1 believe So"
"Well, boss, dis heah wicked, old,
sinful niggah, old Nose, chops wood in
his back yard cherry Sunday morning,
while de folks am passing to de sane
tum OBJ de Lawd, and he 'bleeges us to
keep our back door shut so we can't
get a breff of air, all OWN to dat all
sackreligus old niggah. Sometimes
we hab a large cOngregashun in dar
and de atmOspherical odorous am OBJ
nOxiOus to de-to de-"
"What are you all doing in your
house that you don't want him to Sc,
you?"
1--WE has faro bank, boss, and if d,
door is open, an dat old niggah Mos,
stands out in de yard and chops wood
he can see me dealin' de keards. D,
Grand Jury is gwine to meet purt!
soon, and eff dat ole niggah tells d
truf-and he is just rascal enough t
do hit-we will be indicted, and de
we has busted bank on our hand.
fOah when de courts and de lawyer
f gets done dars no pickins left Now
he amt got no right to cOnsecrate d
Lords day by emmanuel exercise in d
, yard whar he kin see US gamble, an
we wants a chance to swear agin him.
| The Justice took the names of all tn
+ guilty parties, and the Grand Jur
will probaly invest in that bank
Terds Siftings
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

House OF LORDS IN DANGER
Unless the English Lords change their
tactics the upper House of Parliament
will be a thing of the past much sooner
than the historian and statesman an
ticipate. The English people are de-
termined to have Mr.. Gladstone's
Franchise bill become a law, and the
opposition OF the Peers is simply add
ing strength to the determination. In
deed the question of this opposition
has changed already to the graver
question of the continuance of the
House of Lords. Honest and eloquent
John Bright, in a speech delivered be-
fore the wOrkingmen of Birmingham
on Monday, pOintedly asked: "Shall
the people submit, or shall they curb
the mobiles as their fathers curbed the
Kings of England ?" Mr. Chamber.
lain on the same occasion said THE
divine right of Kings has been acknOwl.
edged to be dangerous; but the divine
right of the Peers is n ridiculous fig,
ment." The patience of the Commons
is about exhausted, and the Liberia
leaders have evidently ceased to minct
their words. A righteous cause, back
ed by an earnest constituency o
3O,OOO,OOO of people, naturally inspire
great courage and bOldness. -MOrRin,
Np3CS.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13
Medical Item.

The little cOterie of scientists, who
utilize the shady back yard of an
Austin saloon, were discussing hydro
phobia, Asiatic cholera, and similar
cheerful topics. Among them was DIR.
Bocage, who was regarded by most
people as a man who knew it ALL"
1t was the sentiment of the convention
that vaccination was Il great thing, and
that it never failed to save life.
"That depends on the locality" said
an old stage driver named Prigmore.
Locality has nothing to do with it.
Vaccination will save human life as
readily in one place as another"
That ar don't apply to COlOrady.
I had a brother out thar whose life was
saved by his not being vaccinated."
"A very extraordinary case. I'd
like to hear the particulars of that case
to report at the next meeting of the
Texas Medical Association. Was the
patient confined to his room?"
"Yaas, should say he was confined
somewhat; seems that he was in Jail. .
How did his not being vaccinated
save him from the smallpox ?"
"The vigilants broke in to take him
out and string him up, but when they
seed that he was broken out all Ovel
with smallpox they scattered like Z
covey of partridges. Now, you see
Doctor, if he had been vaccinated, ht
would never have got well. He would
have died right then and thar. l tel
you, Doc, science is all right; but yor
have to make allowance for climate
If that man had been vaccinated, b,
would not have had them postules OF
his face, and he wouldn't have liveC
ten minutes; so l say you have to tax,
climate and surroundings into consid
Grafton"
The Doctor wanted to discuss tn
question from a scientific standpoint
but he was defeated by strict part,
vote, and a subsequent motion to ad
jOurn to the bar was carried unani
mOusly.-Teras Sittings.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

a MARKED CHANGE.-Jim Webster
is an Austin cOlored man, who is very
much addicted to insobriety. His
spiritual adviser, Rev. Aminidab
Bledso, at the request of Jim's wife,
had long talk with him on deliriUm
tremenS, and kindred topics.
Meeting her next day, the colored
prelate asked:
HAS yer Obserbed any improvement
in Jim since l talked wild him."
Indeed, has. He has changed
his bad habid nightly, sence you talk
ed wild him, Parson BledsO."
Praise de Lawd Is'e glad to heal
you say SO. He don't come home
drunk no noah at twelve o'clock in de
night"
mo, indeed he doesn't. He comes
home drunk befoah nine o'clock ebery
ebening, sence you talked wild him."
Teras SJtings.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

VULGAR DIsPLAYs.-T most ex-
pensively dressed lady at Saratoga this
year is said to be Mrs. L. NJ. Bates.
She carries a parasOl which is said to
have cost $1,000. 1t is cream-colored,
bordered with a full fall of lace, and
embroidered with red and gold pOme-
granates. The handle is of ivory in
laid with gold in a sort of oriental pat
tern, and it is probably in the delicacy
of workmanship that the value lies.
Mrs. Moses Fraley, of st. Louis,
whose sixty different costumes have
created a fashionable sensation at a
Long Branch hotel where she is pass
ing the Summer, is said to have dress
waist with emerald buttons. In this
she was outshOne by the late Mrs
Louis A. Cooley, of Philadelphia, who
wore black velvet waist with eighteer
good-sized diamonds upon it serving a
buttons.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13
A Black Snake Kills a Cow.

Near Carson lately COW was noticed
charging furiously at a thicket An
investigation showed that the animal
was fighting a big black snake and try
ing to stamp it to death with her fore
feet. The thicket was an isolated
clump of sagebrush and the snake did
not seem disposed to leave it and trust
its life i'll the open country. Finally
the COW lowered her head and attempt
ed to impale the snake on her horns.
In an instant the snake sprang on to
the cows head and rapidly coiled itself
about her horns. The COW stood dazed
for an instant, and then set off on u
run, occasionally kneeling to rub her
head against the ground, but she was
unable to rid herself of her enemy.
She again sought the sagebrush and
tried to brush the incubus off, but the
snake only coiled itself the tighter and
refused to be dislodged.
The COW seemed finally to realize
that all her efforts were useless, and
uttering a terrible below, set off at
full galOp. The hands made an effort
to follow her, and turn her back, but
in her frantic flight she outstripped
the horses, and, when cornered, would
charge everything in sight. Occasion
ally the snake would half untwist it
self, and its head would play before
the cows eyes. On these occasions
the poor animal would below with
terror, and sometimes go fifty yard:
backward to escape. Finally the poor
brute dropped from sheer exhaustion
and painted out her life. The snake
was Immediately dispatched, and wa!
a black snake five feet long.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

The crops are the source of sudden
conjecture and rumor, and will be for
six weeks to come. All that is clear
so far is that the wheat crop is, in all
probability, the largest on record, and
will, almost certainly, be sold at the
lowest price ever reached. Corn will
be the largest yet harvested if the
weather does not interfere.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

The Boston Beacon thinks it quite
likely that we shall have a series of
commercial failure. But when we
have two hundred failures a week, let
no one forget that we have about
900, 900 mercantile firms in the country,
and that 5000 failures in the current
year will be but one failure to every
hundred firms, or much less than in
former years.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

WHO CALLED HIM.-Butler seems
to think that he would fly in the face
of Providence, Rhode Island, if he did
not run for the Presidency. His case
is not unlike that of the tedious
preacher.
"Why do you preach ?" asked a
friend.
because 1 had a call from the
Lord"
but are you sure that it wasn't
some other noise you heard?"
We cannot help thinking that posi-.
bly, there is a mistake. However, hC
will make the run.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

1t is said that one of the delegates to
the recent Chicago Convention, ON the
morning before he left, shook the
mackerel at the breakfast table by the
tail, and remarked: "Goody bye ole
fel. If the next Convention is held
here III see you again.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

SCATl-"Mr. Pumpkinseed," said $
small boy, with lot of bills under his
arm, "my pa wants to know when you
are going to pay for those boots"
$50 your father wants to know the
precise date when l am going to pay
for those boots, does hep"
Eyes, sir"
"He has got a great deal of curiosity.
Just tell him that-that-"
eyes, SIR"
"That curiosity once killed a cat"
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

Another Chicago political pOw-wow
is to be heard from. The National
Anti-MonopOly Committee will meet
in that city on the 10th instant to
nominate candidates for President and
Vice President.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

Reduction of letter postage has re-
duced the revenue of the Post-oflice
Department for the last fiscal year to
fully 100000 below the expenses.
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13
MUSIC.
Mrs. J, H. Groves

Desires to notify the citizens Of Smyrna =, ana "a
Vicinity that she can take few more pupils IN
Music iPiano and Organs) at her residence on
Teiaware street. Smyrna She is agent for organs
i,sI tia,Soe aug 22-u
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13
FOR SALE.

One Second hand Steam Engine and Boiler for
immediate delivery This Engine and Boiler has
been running in our shops and been replaced by
larger power but VIII 40 go0a service ~ iO' iois
"H'is ~" GEO. W. & s. TAYLOR,
octs1.tf Smyrna, Del
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

Do you wish a beautiful complexion? Then
use Ayers SarSaparilla. It eleanSes and puriies
the blood, and thereby removes blOtches and
pimples nom the skin making il smooth and
clear aud giving Il a bright and healthy appear
ance,
Smyrna times., 1884-08-13

Emo has settled down in Canada to
enjoy his hard-earned savings.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20
How to Boil Water.

Imust tell you the old story of how
the late Charles DeImonico used to
talk about the new hot water cure
lie said the Delmonicos were the first
to recommend it to guests who COM
planned of having no appetite. ''Takc
cup of hot water and lemon and you
will feel BETTER was the formula
adopted; and the cup of hot water
and lemon was simply little hot eater
with drop of lemon juice in it to
take away the insipidtiy. For this an
ii bilious remedy the caterers charged
the price of their best liquors-25
cents or more-and it certainly was
wiser way to spend small change
than in alchohol Few people know
how to cook water" Charles used TO
affirm. '.The secret is in putting good,
fresh water into a neat kettle, already
warm. and setting the water 20 boil
ing qul&lxly, and then taking it right
of for use In tea, coffee or other drinks
before It is spoiled. To let it steam
and simmer and evaporate until the
good water is in the atmosphere and
the lime and iron and dregs only left
in the kettle-bahl that is what rnakes
a great many people sick, and is worse
than no water at all" Every lady
who reads this valuable recipe of
great and careful cook should never
forget how to cook water.-NeaO York
Times.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20
A Fancy Farm.

II man becomes a fancy farmer,
he may obtain health, recreation, and
lots of simple pleasure, if he is fond of
country life, but his pecuniary in
come will resemble that described in the
following sketch drawn by the Wall
Street NelcS:
A Baltimore man who bought him
farm two or three years ago was re-
Gently approached by man who had
some money to invest, and who ask
ed
'Can / buy farm for fifteen thou
sand dollars?"
Eyes about that figure"
s.And I'll want to lay out about ten
thousand dollars in improvements, I
presumed"
"Yes. fully that"
"And l can invest another ten thou
sand dollars in blooded stock?''
Il think you can"
"And five thousand more in grading.
filing up. creating fish-ponds. and So
forth?''
"Well you may get through with
that sum-"
That's forty thousand dollars; and
now let's figure the income"
''Oh. You don't need pencil or pa
per-" said the victim. as shadow of
sorrow darkened his face. "The in
come viii be about three dollars for
turnips, two dollars for potatoes, five
or six for corn, and a calf or two at
three dollars a head To save time
call it twenty-five dollars. III see you
again in a day or two. Maybe I've
forgotten something which will be a
dollar more. Morning to you"
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20

"It is really astonishing how many
different kinds Of pads are being in
vented" remarked Fizzletop at the
breakfast, a few mornings ago.
"Yes.9 responded Mrs Fizzletop, "if
we are to believe what we read in the
newspapers, almost any kind of invalid
can be restored to health by some
kind of pad"
"There is one kind Of pad
that doesn't help man much, }" inter-
rupted Johnny. who reads the papers.
"What kind Of a pad are you talking
about ::'asked Colonel FizzIetop. .harshly.
"a footpad. 1 read in the paper
that a man was knocked down in
New York and robbed by q fOotpad."
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20
Cirllitr and Ceremony.

Nothing is more honorable and
pleasant than civility, and nothing
more ridiculous and burdensome than
ceremony. Civility teaches US to
behave with proportionate respect to
every one, according as their merit de-
mands. In other words, civility is the
science of men of the world. A person
of good address who conducts herself
with due circumspection, conciliates
the love and esteem of society, because
eaery one finds herself at ease in her
company; but ceremonious woman is
the plague of her acquaintances. Such
an one requires too much attention to be
a pleasant associate; is too seldom sat
isfied with what is paid her, and every
moment feels her pride hurt by the
want os some frivolous etiquette. You
cannot be too formal to her, nor can
she dispense with her formalities to
others. In short, ceremony was in
vented by pride to harass us with
puerile solicitudes, which we should
blush to be conyersant with.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20
Fish As Food.

The efforts made by the government
to restock our streams with fish has di-
rected considerable attention to them
as an article of food in the community
generally. 1t becomes matter of in
terest not only to understand the value
Of fish as food, but also the relative
value of the various substances as
nutrients. The elements that compose
the flesh of fish are the same that COM
pose the flesh Of other animals, though
differing from them in flavor. To
compare the nutrient value of differ
ent KINDS of flesh, the offal, sentrails
bones. skin, etc, must first be removed:
then allowance must be made for the
water contained. The proportion of
these differ greatly in different kinds
and also in the Same kinds in different
states. Thus sample Of flouader con-
tanned sixty-eight per cent. of refuse
and only thirty-two of flesh, while haR
ibut had only eighteen per cent. offal
and eighty-two of flesh. Lean beef
contains seventy-seven per cent. water
and fat beef only fifty-fve. Inyestiga
tions in this direction have for some
time been made under the supervision
of Prof. Baird, of the Smithsonian In
stitute, of Washington, ID. C.
The value of all articles of food Is
determined not only by the amount of
edible solids, but also by the amounts
of their chemical constituents. The
most important ingredients may be
divided into three classes -albuminoids
or protein, fats, and carbohydrates
Examples of albuminoids are such
substances as albumen (white of an
egg), lean meat, curd of milk, and the
gluten of wheat. Lard, butter, tallow,
olive oil, cotton-seed oil, etc., are fats.
Sugar, gum. starch. celulose (woody
fiber), and glucose (giape sugar. are
carbohydrates. The carbohydrates
and fats are composed of only carbon
and hydrogen. The albuminoids are
characterized by containing nitrogen
in addition to the other two. The use
of the carbohydrates and fats is, by
their combustion in the lungs, to sup
ply the animal heat, and also TO pro-
duce muscular forces or strength. The
albuminoids are converted into carbo-
hydrates and fats, and thus perform
the work of both; but besides this,
they go to form all the nitrogenous
tissues of the body, muscles nerves,
cartilage, etc. With albuminoids we
might sustain life for long time, but
with only fats and carbohydrates as
food we should soon starve. Albu--
minoids are, therefore, the most valua-
bic, the fats are next, and the carbo-
hydrates are the least valuable When
the chemical composition of a substance
is known we can readily calculate its
value as food. Cincinnati NeacS
Journal.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20

hair tail about eight inches long. with
a chenille tassel at the end, which he
throws up into the rarified atmosphere
of the far west whenever hekis sur
prised or agitated.
In passing over prostrate man
therefore, apprehend that in order to
brush his face with the average buffalo
tail, it would be necessary for him to
sit down on the bosom of the PROSTATE
scout and fan his features with the
miniature caudal bud.
The buffalo does not gallop an hum
dred miles a day, dragging his tail
across the bunch grass and alkalki of the
boundless plains
He snorts little, turns his blood
shot eyes toward the enemy moment
and then, throwing his cunning little
taillet over the dash boardlet, he wings
his way in an opposite direction.
The man who could lie on his back
and grab that vision by the tail would
have to be moderately active. If he
succeeded, however, it would be the
question of the sixteenth part of sec
ond only whether he had his arms
jerked out by the roots and scattered
through space or whether he had
strength of will sufficient to yank out
the withered little frizz and hold the
quivering ornament in his hands. Few
people have the moral courage to follow
a buffalo around over half a day hold
ing on by the tail. 1t is said that a
Sioux brave once tried it and they say
his tracks were thirteen miles apart.
After merrily sauntering around with
the buffalo one hour. during which
time he crossed the territories of Wyo-
ming and Dakota twice and surround
ed the regular army three times, he be-
came discouraged and died from the
injuries he had received. Perhaps,
however, it may have been fatigue.
1t may be possible for man to catch
hold of the meagre tail of a meteor and
let it snatch him through the coming
years.
1t might be that man with strong
constitution could catch cyclone and
ride it bareback across the United
States and then have fresh one ready
to ride back again, but to catch buff
falo bull in the full flush of manhood,
as it were, and retain his tail while he
crossed three reservations and two
mountain ranges. requires great tenaci-
ty of purpose and unusual mental equi
poise.-BiU Nye.
Evening capital. (Annapolis, Md.) 1884-1910, 1884-05-20
CATCHING A BUFFALO.
EII Nye's Reflections Upon a Pleasing
AmecdOte.

Ak1lA Nye's UeUecttOnB upon n A-1chblnH
AnecdOte.
A pleasing anecdote is being told
through the press columns recently, of
an encounter on the South Platte which
occurred some years ago between a
Texan and a buffalo. The recital sets
forth the fact that two Texans went
out 70 hunt buffalo, hoping to get
enough for mess during the day.
Toward evening they saw two gentle
men buffalo on neighboring hill near
the Platte, and at once pursued their
game, each selecting an animal They
separated at once, Jack going one way,
galloping after his beast, while Sam
went in the other direction. Jack soon
got a shot at his game, but the bullet
only tore u large hole in the fleshy
shoulder of the bull, and buried itself
in the neck, maddening the animal to
such degree that he turned at once
and charged upon horse and rider.
The astonished horse. with the won
,lerful courage, sagacity and sang froid
peculiar to the bronco, whirled around
two consecutive times, tangled his feet
in the tall grass and fell, throwing his
rider about fifty deet. He then rose
and walked away to a quiet place
where he could consider the matter and
give the buffalo an opportunity to re-
cover. The infuriated bull then gave
chase to Jack. who kept out of the way
for few yards only, when, getting his
legs entangled in the grass. he fell so
suddenly that his pursuer dashed over
him without doing him any bodily in
jury. However, as the animal went
over his PROSTATE form. Jack felt the
buffalo's tail brush across his face, and
rising suddenly. he caught it with a
terrific grip and hung to it, thus keep
ing out of the reach of his enemy's
horns, till his strength was just giving
out. when Sam hove in sight and put
large bullet through the bulls heart
This tale is told apparently by an
old plainsman and scout, who reels it
off as though he might be telling his
own experience.
Now. lido not wish to seem captious
and always sticking my nose into what
is none of my business, but as logical
ana geological fact | desire, in my cur
! sory way, 70 coolly take up the subject
Hof the buffalo tail Those who have
been in the habit Of killing buffaloes,
instead Of running an account at The
utcher shop. wiz remember that this
oble animal has genuine camers