davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12
The Talking Sex.

Perhaps it is the way their tongues
are built. Ii it is physical popularity.
the rest of the world ought to be willing
to accept matters and the sex without
complaint. We have referred to women
Us the laughing sex, and have specu-
lated about the causes for the eternal
grin and giggle which are character
istics of even the best of them. But
along with the necessity of LAUGHING
that seems born into the feminine sex.
there is another equal necessity of talk
ing. A woman can't even buy 4 half
dozen stamps without making three
times as many words over it as a man
weuld. II she can't get the seats she
wants at the box Office of theater. she
invariably thinks it necessary to ey-
plain at full length why she doesn't
want those in the orchestra circle and
why she did want the others. Ii in the
transaction of any business she comes
to a conclusion she never thinks it suf-
tlcient to announce the conclusion I'M
supported. She always goes back "a
the beginning of the process of thouobt
and emotion by which she arrived ar
the end and insists in telling it TO the
very last step.
II IS OF no use trying to stop her or
turn her off the track or make her for
get about it. She thinks she has bee,
thinking and she means TO tell ali about
1t, She is feebly conscious that her in
tellectual machinery has been at work.
and she can no more keep from naakinr
the fact known than a hen can coneesi
The fact that she has laid an egg.
e must be that women's tor oaes ara
self-cocking and are intended by natnrs
TO go of whenever the brain moves.
That IS the only explanation for the SUI
perauity OF talking which women always
seem impelled to do. 1t IS . physical
necessity, along with their LAUGHING
and the peculiar wohble with which
they always try to run, and the unex-
planned use of their arms and hands
when they carry an umbrella. Thew
cant help It. Nature made them SO.
and II they didn't laugh three-iourths
Of the time, and talk three times al
much as is necessary. 10 sav nothing o.
using twice as many words IS arss ned
!!ll perhaps they would Gle. gpsseal
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12
FARM AND FIREsIDE.

Onion salad: Mix thoroughly equal
quantities of mashed potatoes and
onions boiled until they too can be
mashed almost smooth. Season with
pepper and salt and butter. Exchange.
Mating is not put on floors now in
straight breadths, plaid or bright col
ored piece being tackled all around the
floor and square of the same in the mid
die, the rest being filled with plain
white, or any individual taste is carried
out to lay it in rug-like manner
Chicago Journal.
A little freedom in the evening,
after hard days work, is greatly en-
joyed by horses, and it certainly does
them good. Their entire system is
bent in but the one direction during the
day while at work, and s. change from
that in the way of a good romp and
roll, when freed from the harness, can
not but be beneficial.
I'm the Michigan Farmer farmer
tells how he manages to conquer Can
ada thistles by the aid of his 200 sheep.
He puts q small handful of salt on
each thistle at the root. The sheep eat
the thistle close to the ground. The
sailing is repeated as often as may be
necessary, and the thistle seldom APP
pears the second year.
Bread and Butter Pudding Slice
bread, spread with butter and lay it
in deep dish with currants between
each layer; add sliced citron, orange or
lemon, if to be very nice; pour over u@-
boiled custard favored to your taste at
least two hours before it is to be baked
and dip it over to soak the bread; just
before dinner bake quickly.-N. Z.
Times.
"A Tennessee woman writes: La
dies, have something to tell you that
Gf you dislike picking chicken as
much as do) you will be delighted to
hear. A lady told me that frying
chicken is just as good if skinned as it
is picked. ] tried it and was delighted.
As soon as the chicken is killed skin it,
beginning at the craw. After it is
Toured over and fried you cannot tell
the difference.
"A Maine housewife sends this
recipe for baked dish, sort of what
is-it Make nice short crust for a
deep dish, roll it thin, then put in pork
cut in tiny pieces. then a layer OF
potatoes, pepper and bit of salt, I'M
less your pork is quite salt. Fill the
dish, then add milk enough to cook
according to size of dish; put on top
crust and bake, and if the grumblers
don't say it is good, it shows they don't
know what is what.-Boston Post.
"A writer in the Rural NeU Yorker
contends that "by planting corn at the
earliest safe moment we not only in
crease the chances that the crop will
receive the necessary number of degrees
of accumulated heat during the warm
season, but the number of hours of sun
shine as well, and, what is of nearly as
much Importance, we advance the
epoch of poisoning several days, and
by so doing hasten maturity by several
weeks. This is new and surprising
statement to many, but it IS, neVerthe,
| less, q correct one.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12
Laboring Under a HalluciatiOn.

A large and imposing Senator from
q Western State was walking up and
down the Senate Chamber behind the
chairs. His hands met at the small of
his back, and one of them held the
other. His step was stately and his
head leaned forward a trife. On his
face was the far. away, distracted ex-
preston which is usually interpreted
to mean that the owner of it is in deep
thought On sofa in the corner II
the Senate Chamber sat Senator from
another Western State talking to a
friend. Pointing to the Senator who
was pacing back and forth in full view
of the galleries. the sitting Senator
said to his friend: There's man who
is laboring Gnder q very strange hal
lucination.n
..What is it?'' inquired the startled
friend
s'Why. he thinks that he's thinking
- Washington Republican.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12

London has seventy-six guilds, en-
dowed by wealthy benefactors for me
benefit of the different trades, and then
trust property alone yields an ineoina
of E200, 900 annually.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12

"A Philadelphia German played
Yankee Doodle on . hand organ many
times . day for fous months for the in
structioA OF q canary, end now ths
canary sings tbe tame like 4 pGtglas-~
Esss.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12

February 2s, forty-two children.
who will see birthday bat once u loek
years were born IN Brooklyn sfses'
ZEN Eagls.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12

+. sit is not the earning OF money, but
TIE boiling on to ii inst hothers sAls
pe'lFle and IBIS generating, selesas.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1884-06-12

DIR. Charles E. Clark, of Boston,
while rummaging around in a junk
shop IN that city, recently, found some
valuable Colonial documents, worth
their weight in gold. The papers were
bought by Abbott Lawrence and by him
they have been given to the Boston Pub
lie Library,
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
Couldn't Bluff George.

George, dear, do you know papa
doesn't like you very well ?"
"Oh, yes" said George.
"And he has said that / mustn't re-
ceive you any more at the house
"Good for him." replied the young
man heartily.
"And," continued the girl with a
blanched face. II hear him now in
the woodshed untying the dog"
:"Yes, l hear him; but he is stand,
ing terribly in the dogs light. Does
he hate the dog?"
mo, George, dear; he hates you
But what in the world will you do
You will surely have an encounter
with the ferocious animal when you
60 out"
George smiled a superior smile and
said:
"My dear, as you know, l am {
book agent. My income is derived
solely from selling books. This after
noon l sold the editor of daily paper
an encyclopedia, a pronouncing die
tionary, a gazetteer of natural history
and bound volume of the New York
Herald. 1t took me ten minutes.
shall spend FIVE minutes with the dog
Chicago Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
A Sailors Sermon.

Here is the substance of q sermon
from the text: "Let 60 that stern
line" 81 once stood on the wharf
watching a brig get ready for sea- y
began the Rev. Mr.. Jones, at Sailors
Snug Harbor. "The tops'ls and
courses were loosed, the jib hung from
the boom and the halyards were
stretched out ready to run up. just
at this moment the pilot sprang from
the wharf to the quarter deck, in.
quiring as he did so Of the mate in
command, Are you all readyT AL
ready, SIR said the officer. Then
came the command: Stand by to
run up that jib! Hands by the head
braces! Cast off your head fast and
stand by aft there to let 60 that stern
line Let gol Man the tops'l hal
yards! Run 'em up, boys; run 'em
up! Does the jib take7 Haul over
that starboard sheet? She pays of
fine-there she goes and-Hilloa
hilloa what's the matterf What's
fast there? Starboard the helm !
Starboard = shouts the pilot. What
holds herl Is there anything foul
aft there? Why, look at that stern
line Heave it off the timberhead
Heave off that turnv It's foul
ashore, sirp says one of the crew.
Then cut it, cut it! Dye hear
Never mind the hawser. Cut il be-
fore she loses her way BY this time
there was q taut strain on the bawser.
A seaman drew his sheath knife across
the strands, which soon parted, the
brig forged ahead, the sails were run
up and trimmed to the breeze and the
brig Billow filled away. So, too, when
| see men who have immortal souls to
save bound to the world by the cords,
the hawsers of their sins, then / think
of that scene and feel like crying out
Gather in your breast lines and haul
out from the shores Of destruction.
Fly, as Lot did from the guilty sodom !
Oh, let go that stern line THE Gen.
tury.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
Fell Through a Trap.

Judge William Carter, of Sheboy-
gan, and Judge Caswell Marks, of
Selma, were both natives of Lexing-
ton, Ky. In boyhood they had jam
med the same cats head into the same
milk pitcher, stolen peaches from the
same tree, got trounced by the same
farmers, were otherwise enviously in
innate friends, afterwards chums at
college and then errand boys in the
same office. Later in life they part
ed and rose to sublime honor in their
separate places. Last January they
met for the first time since their part
ing, in Lexington, and brewed a con-
vivial howl in honor of the event.
About midnight, full of affection and
enthusiasm, they retired in the same
bed. 1t was a huge affair, standing
in the middle of the room and capa-
bic of being drawn up by ropes to the
ceiling while the room was being
cleaned. 1t was very cold night,
and they placed their clothing upon
the foot of the bed. Just after they
fell, four friends entered softly, drew
the bed by the ropes nearly to the
ceiling, and left them thus suspended
about ten feet from the floor. They
then locked the door outside and re-
tired.
AT 3 A. NJ, Judge Carter woke with
that species of thirst which usually
comes after Kentucky punch and
technically known as "hot coppers."
Leaping lightly out of bed to get the
ice pitcher, he went whirling down
ten feet, alighting with soul-stirring
thump on all fours.
There was a long and painful pause.
Then he peered upward through the
darkness and called:
"Caswell !"
No reply.
Oh, Caswell"
Feeble cries.
"Cazp
"Eh Pun i-what ?" The Judge
was awakening.
"I'vc fallen through trap" yelled
the now affrightened Judge, "get up
and light a candle"
"Whero are you," queried Judge
Carter, sleepily, framing his opinion
that his honorable brother was drunk.
"Down here. Fell through trap.
Don't get out on my side of the bed"
"All right" And Judge Marks,
springing out on his own side, turned
three somersaults and landed on the
small of his back. Both were now
convinced that they had fallen into a
den of thieves, and were possibly 10
be murdered. The jokers had closed
the heavy wooden shutters, so no light
could enter, and removed all the fur
niture. The Judges groped around
on hands and knees, nearly frozen to
death, and only at daybreak discov-
cred the bed, climbed into it, and got
warm enough to talk the thing over.
There were recently two temperance
societies started under glorious au-
pices. The headquarters of one is
at Selma, the other at Sheboygan.-
Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

some ice cream, DEAR" he said, look
lug hesitatingly in the window of a
saloon, "but after that disastrous af
fair in Brooklyn few days ago am
afraid to-" and he made an attempt 10
forge ahead.
"What affair was that, George p
she asked, holding him back with both
hands.
"Why, over one hundred and fifty
people were poisoned from n single
freezer"
at must have been terrible. Still
George, dear, there is possibility Of
our escaping with our lives, and if We
do die"-here the heroic girl gave
him look of love unutterable-"wC
will die together. New York Sun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
What Will Wake Him.

"You are an early riser, are you p
said Mrs. Brown to Mrs. Jones.
"No; the reason is / cannot wake
up John before noon. l have ltried
the clock alarm, blank cartridges and
bell-ringing, but he sleeps like dead
man."
"You ought to try the plan | Use
OH my husband" said Mrs. Brown.
"How is that? p
"Pull cork out Of beer bottle
and he will spring right out on the
floor. Sunday Republic
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
The Truth Astonished Him,

$50 you struck the man because he
called you liar p said the police
Judge.
eyes, SIR"
From which l am to infer that you
were not liar ?"
"Oh, no, l was liar, and am yet
If had not been liar ] should have
paid no attention to the fellows re-
marks. Truth is SO scarce, judge
that when l hear it cant keep down
my enthusiasm. ."-Arkansaw Travel
er.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Life is like harness. There are
traces of care, lines of trouble, bits
of good fortune, breaches of good
manners, bridled tongues, and every
body has tug to pull through
Worcester Gazette. The collar-a.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
He Insulted Papa.

Emma, I hear you have broker
off with George"
"Yes; | am sorry, but it had to be
He insulted papa"
"Why, what did he do p
"Well, you know, last Sunday night
papa kinder kicked him off the steps
and when he came around Monday
he brought pair of slippers, with
the toes padded, and asked me if |
wouldn't get the old man to put them
on."-N. Y. Diet.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

His Sharpest Skirmish.-Sub (to
the Major, just returned from Egypt
with the V. o.: "By jove, Major,
you've seen some service. Which do
you consider the hottest action you
were ever in?" The Major: One in
the Queens Bench years ago-for
breach of promise. Fun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
The Romance of Language

He was describing his new girl al
home and remarked enthusiastically y
that che "had mobile face"
"And has she St. Louis foot ?" in
quired his younger brother mischiey-
ously.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

When Philadelphia father chided
his daughter for allowing young
gentleman visitor to kiss her, she re-
piled, with some spirit, 81 couldn't
help it, pa. After he kissed me the
first time / told him to stop it, and he
didn't mind me at ALL" And the next
day, when her father brought home a
base ball catcher's mask and told her
to wear it when her young gentleman
friend called, she was mean enough to
call him hateful old thing, and to
declare that if it wasn't for the fact
that il would make a good hustle,
she'd smash it to atoms.-Philadel-
phia Chronicle-Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

An old subscriber being handed his
papers right from thsGpress, asked
why the paper was SO damp. The
editor said he did not know unless it
was because there was so much due
OH it.-Denver Republican.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

81 tell yer wot, boys" exclaimed
old Ben, the roughest man of the
camp. 81 tell yer wot, boys, it made
a feller feel kinder watery round the
lids to hear that little chit of thing
a-settin' up thar like an angel a-sayin'
her prayers SO cute, Mary had little
lamb or suthin' er thet Sort
Rochester Union.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

An inventive genius has produced
a machine that will darn stockings,
and old bachelors are investing large
ly in the new tangled notion. This
gives them another excuse for for
swearing matrimony and remaining
single, says the Detroit Free Press.
If they can't darn stockings, why
they can curse the machine to their
hearts content.-Boston Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

1t is said that Bartholdi's Statue of
Liberty was modelled after his moth
er. II will be noticed, by examining
the pictures of the statue, that Mrs.
Bartholdi used to hold the shingle in
her left hand. Baltimore Day.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Nearly every newspaper we pick
up nowadays contains some new hor-
ror. In paper before us is a poem,
the author of which says in the first
line 81 will not die. e."-Norristown
Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
That Husband Of Mine.

A woman hastily entered Harlem
lager beer saloon and demanded OF
the proprietor:
"Has my husband been in here?'
II don't know him. Is he tall
man ?"
Eyes"
"Red headed p
eyes, and completed"
Full beard ?"
"Yes."
"Wear a slouch hat I"
Eyes"
"He was here not five minutes ago.
He came in, drank glass of lemon
ade, and then walked down the street
Drank what ?"
Lemonade"
"Wrong man !" she said, shooting
herself out of the door.-New York
Sun.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

S. B. Durfey, mate of steamer Ari-
IONA, had his foot badly jammed.
Thomas Eclectric Oil cured it. Moth.
ing equal to it for quick pain re-
lever.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Courtship in Mexico is called "do-
ing the bear" How appropriate, for
isn't it bruin trouble ?"-Philadelphia
Chronicle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

There is variety of slug which
has $4,000 teeth. How. devoutly
thankful we are that the slug is not a
dog.-Burlington Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

The last letter but one in the al
phabet must be the least used, since
"a word to the Y's is sufficient. -
Lowell Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Russia on several occasions sent ex-
peditions to the Poles and got around
them very successfully.--Louisvillc
Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

A coachman is the saddest of all
men, for his life is full of "whoa. -
Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegraph.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

A sentimental swain calls his sweet
hearts hair "fruit for breakfast" be-
cause the proverb says fruit at that
time is goldon.-N. Y. journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Choose undertakers for friends.
They will not forget you when you
are dead.-New Orleans Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
Advertising Rates.

Business Cards, year, dollar for every line.
LOCAL Notices ten cents per line for each insertion
and all notices continued for three months or lonsef
q discount Of 25per cent
Advertisements unacoompanied by verbal or written
directions will be published three months.
Advertisements, under contract, ordered out bs-
fore expiration Of time, will be charged full rates.
No paper discontinued until all arrearages paid
except at the option Of the publisher.
Transient advertisements must be paid In advance
KCTerms CASH, payable quarterly.
Only Metal Cuts Inserted.
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

1t is about time for somebody to re-
mark that hay fever is sneezy thing
to catch. New York journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
DEWEY'S Store.
IIAy Fever

Hul FcN0T
Is n type Of oatarrh
having peculiar svm-
toms. 1t is attended
by an infamcd condi-
tion of the lining
membrane OF the nos
trils, tear-ducts and
throat, affecting the
lungs. An acrid mu-
Gus Is secreted, tis dis
charge IL accompanied
with a painful burning
sensation. There arc
severe spasms OF sncez-
ing, frequent attacks
of binding headache,
a watcry and infiam-
ed state of the eyes.
Ely's Cream Balm is
a remedy founded on
q correct diagnosis OF
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Elint & Pere Marquette R. R

Tho shortest. ouickest aud most reliable route 70
and from Detroit, Toledo, Cleveland CINCINNATI,
Saginaw and Bay City.
GOING EAST, SOUTH AND WEST.
cave Alpena daily, except Sunday, by Apens
Bay City steamers, at a. m.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Neither does a paving stone for the
matter of that.-Boston Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

A Young Girls Heroism.
II would like to ask you 10 take
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
DINO soUrH-EA

Drawing room morning and evening trains
between Bay City and Detroit extra charges only
25 cents.
Night express east runs Sunday night instead Of
saturday. All other trains daily except Sunday.
SANFORD keller, Sup't
W. ID. ulTCHCOCK,
Ticket Agent, Alpena, Mich.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

A sillybub-the dude.-Boston
Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20
WIT AND HUMOR.


A sillybub-the dude.--Boston
Post.
The owl is a very small bird for its
eyes.-Burlington Hawkeye.
Cube-a naturally demands square
Observation-Disclosures Call.
Scissors grinders generally drive a
sharp bargain.-Boston Courier.
Novel objections--those urged
against fction.-Philadelphia Call.
Has an optician an eye to business ?
Carl Pretzel's Weekly. We specks
he has.
1t comes high, but we must have
it-a standing collar.-Clothier and
Finisher.
|
There is nothing so tiresome as the
dude except the talk about him.
Philadelphia Call.
Emo says he will reside in Canada
permanently. Enos where he is well
off,-Oil City Derrick.
|
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Scissors grinders generally drive a
sharp bargain. Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

The owl is very small bird for its
eyes.-Burlington Hawkeye.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Cube-a naturally demands square
Observation-Disclosures Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-08-20

Novel objections--those urged
against fiction.-Philadelphia Call.
Lyon County times. [volume] (Silver City, Nev.) 1874-1907, 1884-10-18

"a Most Welcome and Attractive
Monthly VIsitor."-Aibany sun
day Press.