Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-07-04
FUN

FUN
A ROBBER IN THE HOUsE.-The clock
struck three, two of the children awoke
with squalls, "and Mrs. Mickerson, turn
ing over with fl)unce, called to her hus-
band. who was lying in an adjoining
room:
"Peterp'
SWELL"
~ believe there's man in the house."
Eyes. I'm here"
81 dom mean you. I smell cigar"
"Where did you get it?"
Hfi ,pt got it, you greenhorn. I
mean that smell c;g ssr smQke.- know
that somebody has slipped into this house
and you needn't say there HASN'T" and
she arose and looked under the bed.
"Who dc you think it is?-' asked the
husband.
''It's a rohber, that's Who"
''Do you think that robber would come
around mans house and smoke cigar?''
ut makes no difference. smell cigar
SMOKE" opening the closet door.
81 smell cigar smoke. too," said the
husband. 1--WE been smelling it for some
time"
''Get up. and help me look for it,
"What, the smoker"
mo, the man."
him."
Mrs. MickersoD entered her husbands
room and found that gentleman lying on
the bed smoking cigar.
II don't believe you have good sense ~
Indignantly exclaimed the wife. "Why
didn't you tell me that you were lying
here smoking like fool?"
"Because am not smoking like fool.'
''Oh you think you are smart!" and the
lady whent back and tumbled into bed.
BURDETTE'S AGRICULT URAL HINTS.
This months is good time to pay the in
terests on your mortgages and renew the
notes you gave a year ago. 1t is also a
pretty good time to take up the notes you
unwittingly gave to the cloth peddler last
Christmas under the impression that you
were only signing contract.
Oats thrive best in an elevator. A farm
er who has thirty thousand bushels of oats
in an elevator need not worry about the
weather. Always raise oats in good ele.
vator and keep out of deal with the Chi
cago man.
Look after the been poles you had left
over from last year. You will look long
time before you find any. They have gone
devouring fireplace and the neighbors
have stolen the rest.
Raise chickens. If you have nice lit
tie garden. by all means raise chickens.
Your neighbors' lens are best ones to
raise. You will find them, from $50 a. NJ.
until $50 p. m. on your lettuce, onion,
radish and flower beds. You can raise
them higher with shotgun than any
thing else. Always eat the hen you raise.
Crush egg-shells and feed them to your
own chickens. if you are foolish enough to
have any. If the whites and yolks are re-
moved from the shells first, they will
crush more easily.
If good horse show symptoms of going
blind and is developing few first-clasa
spavins. it is time to sell him. Sell him
out of the county, if possible. Beware of
the deacon who has a little blaZe-faced
''pacln' mare'' that he wants to trade for
"just such a bO3s.''
''Do you print college news in your pa
per ?" asked the young lady addressing
the editor. Certainly" was the reply.
1T seems strange, then," said the fair
one, ''that 1 have been unable to end any.
and have carefully consulted your COL
umns." .sThat's rather singular" said
the editor, musingly; under what head
ings did you look 20 81 looked for i5 un.
der the heading college News" s'Ah!"
returned the editor, with smile, "that
explains your failure to find what you
sought. You should have looked under
the headings of Base Ball. Foot BALI
and 'Aquatics.'
A TYPE Settlers NEED.-Minks-s.I
don't see why it is that if men originally
had tails they didn't stay on"
inks-''According to Darwin the tails
dropped off when there was no further
use for them"
Minks-''No further use for theml
Good gracious Did Darwin think that 2"
Finks-''Certainly."
Minks-"Well, 1 guess he never saw
bald-beaded printer setting type in fly
time. "-Phala. Call.
June and July are busy months this
year. The fathers sit up all night, howl
themselves hoarse nominating Presidents,
while their tired sons in college burn the
midnight oil to study abo1t rowing and
base ball to fit themselves to do the honors
of their classes. 1t is great country.
An exchange tells the story of how a
poor beggar walked into the editorial
room and each man present pulled out
roll of bills and We didn't care to read
any further as it was evident that-but it
Is enough to say we are in the newspaper
business ourselves.
1.-THE man who whistles need never be
Feared" said philosopher, but at the
same time he made this assertion "S@ Get
Violets' had not been written.
It is whispered that if Blaine is elected
Gail Hamilton will acknowledge herself
&c Gg1Nt