St. Landry democrat. (Opelousas, La.) 1878-1894, 1884-11-15
How Jarph1y Circumyented His wife.

The Thin Man without a shirt-collar
was evidently tickled. He plainly
eTinced it, as men who feel tickled gen
orally do, by sundry grunts, mods of the
head and sly giances, accompanied by
broad and knowing smiles.
''Wot is it, Mr.. Jarphly?" asked the
Cold Tea Man,
''Why, you see, Martha got in the
habit OF sitting up for me at an early
age, and she can't break it off; so I
know just about the reception I'll get
every night when [ go home after tea.
I couldn't persuade her to go to bed and
mind her own business, so | studied on
the matter We live in one of the CEN
ter houses of a block of five two-story
and attic buildings. There scIttles in
the roofs of all OF them, and persuad-
sd Mr.. Greenup, who lives in the adj
joining house, to let me in his house
last night about one o'clock, and I
went up through his scuttle and over
to mine, and SO down into our bed
room. could see Martha, from the head
of the stairs, sitting in the front room
eyeing the clock with look that was a
very tart chrome. But undressed and
quietly got in bed and there lay wait
ing developments. Every now and then
I'd hear Martha give a short, fidgety
sough. Then I'd hear her get up and
prance around the room hssle, and by
and by go to the front windows and slam
the shutters. Then | could hear her
talking to herself -"
'.Praying for you, probably"
&C. ysnokon. auA of 1acf oFfnr I'd
lain there about an hour, / heard her
get up and GO stand out on the front
step for a good five minutes. I'll bet q
dollar / knew where the mop-handle
was then; but was SO comfortable in
bed, like, I didn't care to look it up.
Then she came in and slammed the
door and locked it, and commenced
coming UP stairs. Every other step
she'd say: 80, the wretch! Won't /
give it to him! know where he is! /
know where he IS! He need Mt think
to deceive me! o, the villainr Bout
the time she had nearly got to the land
ing l think she must have seen the
light streaming out of the door that I'd
LETT aiar. / could hear her stop and
then [ commenced 20 snore. ] was
afraid to look, you know; but | could
feel her cautiously come up to the door
and look in. Well, sir, I'd given my
pension from the war of 1776 to have
seen her about the time she saw it was
me- I'll bet it was fun. But was
afraid to do anything but snore. Then
she came into the room, and by the way
she breathed and stood around l had
nearly to bite my tongue off to keep q
straight face on me. I could feel that
she sat down in q chair and was dunn
founded. never let on, but kept on
snoring like thunder; but when she
kicked over chair turned and pre-
tended to wake up, kind of dazed Ike,
aud SAYS:
why, Martha, dear, amt you come
to bed yet?'
"tJarphly,' said she, awful slow and
solemn ike, when did you come imp
"'Why. must be four or five hours
age. Don't you remember when told
you not to go to sleep again in the
rocker, but to come up to bed?' and /
turned over and proiessed to 60 to
sleep again.
"She never made any reply, but
acted in dazed, bewildered sort of
way, and when she got to bed [ could
tell she didn't sleep q wink for three
hours. Once she punched me in the
side and said: Jeremiah, where were
you tonight and I says: why, I
went over to hear Mrs. Coldtaub's 1ect-
ure on temperance; let out about $50.
Then ! went to sleep
s This morning it was fun to watch
Martha / could hardly keep straight
face, At the breakfast-table, and all
the time I was about the house, she'd
eye me when she thought | wasn't
looking, then. when I'd notice her.
she'd turn away and be awful busy at
something. She *caught me kind of
grinning once, and. by George, l
Thought the explosion was about to
! come But it didn't, though the. look
of blank, unfathomaDle suspicion she
wore on her face all the time was the
greatest show on earth. Ii nearly
broke me up, and I've laughed till my
ribs ache ever since. / know it won't
last. | know there's day of repent
ing a. coming, and the thermometer is
going up clear out of sight in the
Jarphly family. But who's going after
troublep It'll come soon enough with
out hunting it, an I'm going to enjoy
that scuttle in the roof until the ex-
plosion comes. - Pittsburgh Chronicle
Telegraph.
Journey in Sharks Mouth.