davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
scoTcH HUMoR.

The humor Of some stories needs some
little knowledge to apprehend the alto
gether unconscious humOr which comes
out from the narrator. 1t has been said
that Of all the sciences, it is a difficult
task to make Highlander comprehend
the value of mineralogy; there is some
sense in astronomy, it means the guild
ance Of the stars in aid of navigation;
there is sense in chemistry, it is con
nected with dyeing and other arts; but
''chopping off bits of the rocks" that is
a mystery.
A shepherd was sitting in a Highland
inn, and he communicated to another
his experiences with "one Of the mad
Englishmen.n
There was one, said he, "who gave
me his bag to carry, ky short cut across
the hills TO his inn, while he took the
other road, Eh II wGs ageAdfully heavy,
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
Preferred His Mhistllng.

When Bouffe favored us with his com
pany in the foyer of the Varieties rare
occurrence-he generally regaled us with
some good story picked up in the course
of his long theatrical life and one of
these, the last l ever heard from his lips,
distinctly remember. He was starring
at Rouen, and on one of his off nights
strolled into the threatre when Harold's
Tampa was played. Among the actors
was new recruit, to whom, for some
reason or other, the spectators had taken
a strong dislike, and Missed him most
numerically, until at last the poor fell
low came forward and addressed the au-
dience as follows: 'Ladies and gentle
men, have a wife and three children,
and, if l had been fortunate to please
you, should have earned yearly salary
of 1,800f., which would have sufficed
for us all. 1 do not dispute your right to
reject me, but although my singing has
not satisfied you, perhaps my whistling
may" Thereupon he began to whistle
a popular air with such perfection that
the whole house was in raptures, and he
was unanimously accepted on the express
condition that, whatever vocal parts
might in future be assigned to him, he
should whistle instead of sing them
LORgmdR's Magazine.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
NOT ExAoT1Ne.

''One word" she said, "before we
part and her bright eyes glowed in the
mellow light of the turned down lamp.
care you sincere"
81 am sincere he replied, in tones
whose truthfulness could not be doubted
by any one, save the most confirmed pes
simist.
"Then you cannot give me a palace by
Lake Comop and she looked into his
eyes as if she would read his inmost soul.
81 cannot, he answered.
''Not even brown-stone front2"
''No." There was a wonderful firm
ness, neutrality-suspicious. in the
tone in which this mOmentous monosyl-
liable was spoken
''Not even a cottage in the suburbs?n
''Not even that, darling" There was
an anguish in his accents that indicated
mind wholly given up to the gnawing
inroads of a sharp-toothed despair.
''What can you offer me, thenln she
asked; 'what can you offer me as an in
centive to induce me to become your
bride"
"a share in seven dollars week. with
a prospect of a rise next spring" He
said this with all the deep conviction of
a man who knows just how he stands.
ut is sufficient" she said, with a
radiant smile; 81 am yours, Algernon.
A half loaf is better than no bread -
Somereile Journal
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

$50 you have been fighting again on
your way home from schoolG"
''Y-yes, sir"
Didn't l tell you that this sort of
business had got to stop2"
eyes, pa, but"
''No excuses, sir! You probably pro-
voked the quarrelm
"Oh, mol mol He called me namesn
''NamesY What of it9 When a boy
calls you names walk along about your
business. Take off that coat"
''But he didn't call me namesm
ooh, he didn't2 Take off that vest ~
'When he called me the names never
looked at him, but when he pitched into
you, II had to fight"
"Whatl Did he call me namesf"
Lots of EN-, father He said you
lied toyour constituents, and went back
on the caucus and had-w 81
William, put on your coat and vest,
and here's nickel to buy peanuts
don't want you to come up slugger, and
/ wish you to stand we'll with your
teacher, but if you can lick that boy who
says lever bolted regular nomination
or went back on my end of the ward,
don't be afraid to sail inr'-Detroit Free
Press.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

and when got out Of his sight ! de-
termined to see what was in it, for l
wondered at the unco weight of the
thing; and man it's no use for you to
guess what was in that bag, for ye'd ne'er
find out. Il was stanes."
"Stanesw said his companion, open
ing his eyes, "stanesm
GAY, just stanes
"Well, that beats all I ever knew or
heard of them. And did you carry itP'
Garry i'll Man, do We think l was as
mad as himselfl Ma nal emptied them
all out, but l filled the bag again from
the cairn near the house, and gave him
good measure for his money"
And yet Hugh Miller was Scotch
man.
A good deal of the humor is just in
the shrewd simplicity of a reply. A
London tourist met a young woman 60
ing to the kirk, and, as was not unusual,
she was carrying her boots in her hand
and trudging along barefoot.
'AIy girl, said he, els it customary
for all the people in these parts to go
barefoot2n
'Pairtly they do" said the girl, "and
partly they mind their own business.
The humor of the Scotchman does not
always seem to wear the most amiable
complexion. Some one remarked to an
Aberdonian "lt's fine day
'Fa's (who's) finding faut wi the
day2" was the not very civil reply. eye
wad pick a quarrel wi steen (stone)
wa l"-Pdrton Hood.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
TWO FOR A QUARTER.

He was smoking fine, full-havored
Havana when he met friend.
Have a cigarY" he inquired, politely.
Thanks, said the other, gratefully.
taking and lighting the preferred weed
After a few experimental puffs, how
ever, the friend removed the cigar from his
lips, and, looking at it doubtfully, said,
with a very evident abatement of graft
tude in his tone:
"What do you pay for these cigarsP
1.-TWO for quarter, " replied the origi-
nal proprietor of both weeds, taking his
own cigar out of his mouth and looking
at it with considerable satisfaction |;
.'this cost me twenty cents and that
fve."
The conversation languished at this
point. t.-Pack.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
Per Cent. Stronger thnn INV
Other Butter Color.

' T., 1dITY o, ISOz.
l hereby certify that have examined the
Butter Color prepared by Wells, Richardson
q 20, and that the same is free from alkali
or any other substance injurious to health .
that have compared it with some of the
best of the other Butter Colors In the market
and find it TO be more than twenty-five per
cent stronger In color than the best of the
others.
am satisfied that it is not liable to become
tancid, or in any way to iniure the butter
have examined it after two months free ex
posure to the air in a place liable TO large
changes OF temperature, and found no trace
OF rancidity, while other kinds similarly ex-
posed became rancid. A. ri. SABfN
Frof Chemistry, University OF Vermont
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
Petroleum V. Nasty,

D. r. Locke, Petroleum V. Nasty, editor
Toledo Blade, writes; az had ON aforefluger
of my right hand one of those pleasant pets,
a 'rm-round.' The finger became inflamed
to degree unbearable and swollen to nearly
twice its natural size. A friend gave me
Henrys Carbolic Salve, aud in twenty min.
utes the pain had so much subsidized as to give
me a fair nights rest, which 1 had not had
before for week. The inflammation left the
finger in a day. Iconsiier it most valuable
article.n
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

FoR bfsrErs1k iNDiohsrioS, depression ofspi
its and general debility in their various forms,
also as prey entive against fever and agile and
herintermittent fevers, the "Ferro-phosphot-
ated Elixif Of Calisaya," made by Caswell
sists is the best tonic and for patients recover
ing from fever or other sickness II has no equal
Rough ON CouEhs.V
Ask for "Rough on Coughs,n for Coughs.
Colds, Sore Throat, Hoarseness Troches i5c.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
Conc Never to Return.

GARDINER, Me.-Mr. Daniel Gray, a
prominent lumber merchant, writes that
his wife had severe rheumatic pains; so
severe as to render her unable to sleep.
From the first application of the famous
German Remedy, st. Jacobs Oil, she ex-
pcrienced unspeakable relief, and in two
hours the pain had entirely gone.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
TOLD BY THE PRESS WAGS.
SOME GOOD STORIES FOUND IN BU.
EcRoUs EXCHANGES.
Docaar and Paticnt-ryvO for n
Qunrter-Only Calf-Ht Makes
n Differencc--NOt Exactly.
DoCToR ND PATIENT.

DOCTOR AND PATIENT.
In one of our large towns a middle.
aged individual, suffering from indiges-
tion and various other ailments, having
been advised to consult the leading ply
sician of the locality, was ushered into
the latter's private room. When he had
detailed the symptoms of his malady,
loss of appetite, sleepless nights, and so
fourth, 'Ah," said the Doctor 81 see
how it is. You require plenty of air and
exercise, but we will soon bring you
round. Nothing so bad for the diges-
tion as sedentary habits, desk work, and
that sort of thing. You must manage to
walk as much and as often as your bust
ness will allow. BY the by, what is
your businessl" Travelling peddler for
the last five-and- twenty years" replied
the patient.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Who has not seen the fair, fresh young
girl transformed in a few months into the
pale, haggard dispirited woman, The spark
hing eyes are dimmed, and the ringing laugh
heard no more. Too often the causes are
disorders of the system which Dr. Pierce's
FavoIite Prescription would remedy in
short time. Remember, that the "Favorite
Prescription will unfailingly cure all ''fe-
male weaknesses" and restore health and
beauty. By all druggists. Send three stamps
for DR.. Pierces treatise ON Diseases on
Women (9j pages Address Worlds Medi-
cal Association, Buffalo, N. Y.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
Walnut Leaf Hair Rertorcr.

It's entirely different from all others. 1t
is as clear as water and as its name indicates
is a perfect'Vegetable Hair Restorer. 1t will
Immediately free the head from all dandruff,
restore gray hair to its natural color, and pro,
duce a new growth where it has fallen off 1t
does not in any manner affect the health,
which sulphur, sugar of lead and nitrate OF
silver preparations have done. twill change
light or faded hair in few days to a beauti-
ful glossy brown. Ask your druggist for it.
Each bottle is warranted SMITH. KLINE a.
co, Wholesale Agents, Philadelphia. Pa,
and Q. N. CRITTENToN. New York
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

In another column will be found the adVer-
tisement of the FARM, FIELD AND FIREsIDE,
Offering $4,000 in presents TO new subscrib-
ers. THIS publication ranks among the best
aud handsomest of family and agricultural
papers, and its prOprietOrs are fully able to
carry out any offer they may make. An
award of $4,000 was made in December to
its subscribers, all of which was carried out
as shown by the names and addresses, in
the advertisement of some of the receivers
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Weakness, lyspepsia, Impotence. Sexual
Debility, cured by " ellis Health Renewer. 81.
C. Farley, city marshal, 243 Broadway, n.
Y, says: "l had rheumatic gout twenty
years; tried everything; now take DR. Ell
mores RIG. 1t has cured my crippled feet
and beats all other medicines and treat
ments in the world"
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

/ am non-believer in Patent Medicines
but having experienced marked relief from
Nasal Catarrh and hoarseness by the use of
Elys Cream Balm, l can recommend il to
those suffering from this loathsome com
plant and to those afflicted with hoarseness
or stoppage OF the throat so annoying to
singers and clergylnen.-LoUIsE E. PHILf.IPs,
I42S ~ Y. avenue, N. W., Washington, d. c.
price 80 cents)
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

If you feel dull, drowsy, debilitated, have
frequent headache, mouth tastes bad, poor
appetite, tongue coated, you are suffering
from torpid liver, or " biliousness " Moth
ing will cure you so speedily and perma-
nently as DR.. Pierce's "GoldeI. Medical Dis
covery.n BY all DRUGGISTS,
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Does your heart ever seem to stop and you
feel death-libe sensation, do you have sharp
pains in the region of your heart-you have
heart disease Try DR.. Graves Heart Regu
lator 81 per bottle.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

I'VE know heart disease can be cured.
Why Because, thousands say they have
used Dr. Graves Heart Regulator, and know
it does cure n-P IItnlpton Ne,gs. 81 ner
bottle at druggists
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

TRUTH and confidence are the only basis on
which we can rest.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

So long as we live in this world we cannot
be without trouble.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Wakefulness at night is terror Samdri-
tan NeT'rlne cures it. and hence is blessing.
j.. w. Thornton, Of Claiborn, Miss, saws:
samaritan NerUine cured my son OF fts.n
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Fitted out for the season. Dresses. cloaks,
coats, stockings, and all garments can be
SoiGred successfully with the Diamond Dyes.
fashionable colors. Only 1Oc. at DRUGGISTS,
wells, Richardson g. Co., Burlington VT.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

IT is upon the smooth ice we slip; the
roughest Path is the safest
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Mothers, the best dressing for children's
Lalr Is Carboline, made from pure petrol
eulR thoroughly deodorized and delightfully."-
slIky and glossy; il also eradcates dandrntR
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

- ANAN WIG AMoNuNIt
Mr. Norman Hunt, Of No. 160 Chestnut
street Springfield, Mass. writes April 10,
Having, the afiiction caused by kidney
and liver diseases, and after enduring the
aches, pains, weakness and depression Incl
9ent GEM thereto until body and soul were nearly
distracted, / sought for relief and a cure
from my trouble and wns told by friend
who had been cured by it himself, that the
best and only sure cure was Hunts Remedy.
ana upon his recommendation commenced
taking It, and the first few doses improved
my condition in very marked manner, and
continuance of its use has justified all that
my friends claimed for it--that Il was a
sure and permanent cure for all diseases OF
the kidneys and liver. Several OF my friends
in Springfield have used it with the most
gratifying results. and ] feel il my duty ns
well as pleasure to me to recommend Hunts
Remedy in the highest possible ternis.h
a.. ., Mahumcturer's Testimony.
MIR, III. w. Payne, manufacture df har-
ness, saddlery trunks, vHlises, etc, No.
40 Main street, Springfield, Mass, writes us
under date of April 10, 1SSS.
"Gentemen-l have used Hunts Remedy
the best medicine for diseases of the kidneys,
liver bladder and urinary organs, and have
received great benefit TO my health from its
use and | lind that T. will do just what is
claimed for it; it will cure disease aud re.
store health | therefore pronounce Il the
best medicine that | have ever used
Boston aud Albany RniIrond
ALBERT holt, ESD, paymaster Boston and
Albany railroad, at Springfield, Mass,
writes April %, 1888; al have used Hunts
Remedy, and my experience with it has been
such that l can cheerfully say that l am
satisfied that it will do Just what il promises
to do, if used according to directions
A 5,OOO-PoUND clock is to be put in the ma
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Dyspeptic or constipated should address.
with two stamps for pamphlet Worlds Dis
pensary Medical Association, Buffalo, N. Y.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

The valuation of property in New
York city is as great as that of London.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

mfalliOle, tas.eless, Harmless. cathartic; for
feyerishness, hestlessness, worms, eoustlpa-
ton. 25c
Consumpd - given up ny doctors have
ben earod b fisfs Care Is ie.Ats
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

ILLINOIS has 400 cheese factories and cream
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Lyons Patent Heel Siffener, the only in
Fe"tion that makes old boots straight as new.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

HALF the ills we hoard in our hearts are
ills because we hoard them
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06

Is your liver soundl IOO-page book free.
Address DR. Sanford, 81 Duane st. New Y ork.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1884-02-06
Bost0n pnd Albnny RnIIrond


A 5,oOOPoUND clock is to be put in the ma
tonal caDitol
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-02-11

majority vote of one hundred and six.
During the debate, enemies of the
measure had suggested that southern
members had no right to act III the
matter. but when vote was reached,
ex-confederate congressman raised
their voices in favor of the re-instate-
ment of Gen. Porter. Among the
last speakers who advocated the bill
were Messrs. Wolford, Phelps and
Curtin, the latter the ex-war-govern-
or of Penn, closing the debate with
a circle of applauding members
around him. The galleries we're
crowded, attentive, aud seemed to
be in complete sympathy with Gen.
Porter, who, as heretofore during the
discussion of his case sat in the gal
lery. The tariff contest opened in
the House Monday, preceded by a
preliminary skirmish over free wool !;
the Ohio delegation having been in
structed by the Legislature of that
state to use strong efforts towards a
restoration of the duty on that arti-
Gle. The introduction of Mr.. Nor
rison's tariff bill followed this dissen-
sion.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-02-11
THE GRAND ARMY POST.

The seventeenth annual encamp-
ment of the Grand army of the Re-
public, department of Vermont, OPP
ened at Bennington Wednesday
morning Jan. 80, Department Com
mander A. B. Valentine in the chair.
He delivered an interesting address
and some routine business was trans
acted. The report showed a gain of
% posts during the year, and a gain
1871 membership, making total of
PSI. A balance on hand of $749.-
so. The posts in the department
have expended on relief during the
year, the sum of $1373.6 60 and have
on hand for relief purposes about
$1,000.
In the evening a public camp fire
and banquet were held in Free Lii
brary hall, where the tables were set
for over three hundred and were fill
ed by the Department and invited
guests. The supper was a bountiful
one and nicely served by the Ladies
Relief Corps connected with Post
Custer. After the banquet Com
mander Valentine called the tables to
order and prayer was offered by
Comrade Rev. Mr.. Lowell of Rut-
land, after which army songs were
finely sung by the glee club, recita-
lions given by Prof. Bradford of
Bennington, and stirring and inter-
estlng speeches were made by COM
rades and others.
On Thursday business meeting
was held and the following officers
elected for the ensuing veal Com
mander, G.. G.. Kinsman of Rutland f;
vice commanders, C. D. Gates of
Cambridge and S. FL. Wood of st.
Adams chaplain, Rev. D. R. Low
ell of Rutland surgeon, DR.. Ches-
more; council of administration,
Charles E. Graves of Bennington,
r. E. Hathorn of Ludlow, E. M
Leach of Wolcott, H. 0. Edison OF
Rutland delegates to the national
encampment, N. P. Bowman of st.
Johnsbury, D. L. Morgan of Rut-
land, J. G. Morse of Cambridge.
R. j. Coffey of Windsor; altenates
F. W. McGerrick of st. Adams
Charles E. Graves of Bennington
E. II. Powers of Richford and L. E.
Terrill of Underhill.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-02-11
The OPERA CLOTHING HOUSE.
A PHYSICIAN OF
CURIOUS FACTS ABOUT BAK-
ING POWDER.

There are practically but three general classes of
of the very useful compounds known Baking
Powder.
First, those composed of commercial cream OF
tartar Soda and starch or flour. Cream of tartar IS
derived from peculiar matter that is deposited IN
the casks during the fermentation of sour wines 1t
consists of potassa united with tartaric acid. The
cream of tartar of commerce is not usually pure, as
it generally contains from three to thirteen per cent
of tartate of lime besides uncertain quantities OF
sand clay, flour, chalk, etc In large doses 1t acts
as a cathartic.
Second those composed of alum, soda, and starch
or flour. Alum is occasionally manufactured from
the earths which contain it ready formed, but most
generally from mi erals called "alum ores" In
small doses it is astringent in large doses purga-
tive.
Third, those composed of the acid phoshate of
lime, soda and starch. Phosphate of lime is a con-
stituent of all grams and is important nutritive
principle and an indispensable element in the con-
struction of the animal tissues. Fine white flour is
much inferior to the Graham or whole wheat flour,
because in the process of boiling, the phosphates
| are discarded with the bran. The phosphates are
necessary to sustain life, and fine, white flour alone
will not sustain life, because the phosphates are not
| present in sufficient quantity.
| This has been demonstrated by actual experiment
upon rabbits dogs etc. and it this fact and the
several undesirable qualities of cream tartar fol
| raising bread, that induced Prof. Horsford to seek
| for method of producing acid phosphate of lime
| suitable for in the composition of baking pow
| ders. He accomplished his purpose, and has sue
| ceeded far beyond his own his friends expeeta
tations, the Bread Preparation Ia baking powder
that bears his name, fully testifes. Baking Powde
made by this process is the only one that adds any
thing to the nutritive qualities of the flour. Man,
baking powders contain very injurious ingredients
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-02-11

The CITY OF CoLUMBUs.-No salts
factory explanation for this disaster
has yet been suggested, The buoy
had drifted out of place about 900
feet, but this does not explain the
accident as the vessel lies under the
buoy and was, consequently very
much out of the course. Divers have
visited the wreck and brought away
the safe, which contained nothing of
sbecial value, and no property of any
amount has been recovered. The
investigation now being held does
not solve the mystery. So far as the
evidence goes the captain gave the
helmsman the proper course, which
he ran the vessel on until the watch
man on the bow reported buoy near
at hand, when the mate ordered the
course of the vessel changed and the
captain repeated the order when it
was too late. For some reason yet
unexplained the vessel ran out of
her conrse, swayed toward the land
and before the watch or any officer
of the vessel knew it she was on the
rocks.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-02-11

The story is at Washington that
Secretary Folger is to be made attor-
ney-general, Minister Morton secre-
tary of the treasury, and Attorney
General Brewster minister to France.
Folger would make an able attorney
general, but it looks as though it
needed we'll man in that place. AS
for Brewster, he might be sent to
Russia, but we need a minister of
some ability at>Paris, which Morton
is not, and Brewster would be even a
less capable representative. Sup
pose Brewster were simply dropped.
That would seem to be the proper
thing.