News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-11-06
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM THAT
CAUSES Us TO SMILE.
"Free Press" Currency-A Little FIatfeTy
Come Into Court, John Henry-An Ad-
vertising Aaent-A Good Candidate, Etc.

DETROIT "FREE PRESS" CURRENCY.
A California farmer has had to pay q
fine of $40 for knocking his hired man
down with bunch of grapes weighing
ten pounds. 1t was cheaper than hunt
ing around for a rock.
One issue of New York daily con-
tains sixty-four advertisements OF
''pianos for sale cheap because tho
family is going out of town" None OF
'em wants any music where they are
going.
Not one post Office official in fifty can
rob the mails and escape detection and
punishment, but every week or two
somebody decides to take the chances.
The run off -with-father's -coachman
mania seems to have had its day, and
after few beatings and two or three
weeks diet of cold potatoes the various
brides will appear at the front door with
tears in their eyes and case of divorce
in their pockets.
A Chicago druggist offers S25, 900 re-
ward for the sight Of travelling man
who doesn't feel sure that his liver is out
of order and needs about six different
remedies.
For fourteen long years the people Of
Dubuque allowed Martin Jackson to
run the town because it was believed he
was dangerous man to provoke. The
other day woman half killed him in
give Martin KICK.
COME INTO COURT.
A lawyer living on Walnut Hills has
son about seven years old and a daugh-
ter about three times that age. The
boy has been around the court room
good deal, and the young lady has
solid beau. The other evening the gen.
tleman passed the house and the young
lady wanted to see him.
Johnny" said she to the kid, "wont
you please call Mr.. Mann?"
Johnny knew the state of affairs, and
with a ready "of course" he flew to the
front door and called out in the usual
loud monotone of a crier:
"John Henry Mann, John Henry
Mann, John Henry Mann, come into
court"
Mr.. Mann came in, and Johnny with
drew to a safe place.-Merchart Trav-
eIer.
A GOOD AGENT.
A newspaper proprietor advertised fos
an advertisement canvasser, and his test
of their fitness, as they applied, was to
tell them to get out of the Office that
instant or he would kick them out.
Several timid young men turned tail
and left him with great disgust, but
one, more brazen-faced than the rest,
nothing daunted by the threat, coolly
sat down and said he would not go until
his testimonials had been read. So he
locked the door, put the key in his
pocket, and handed in his papers. "AhW
said the advertiser, you'll do, can
see. 1 don't want testimonials; your
style is enough for me. No one will
ever succeed as an advertisement can
vasser who will be influenced by threat
LITTLE FnATTERY.
"Won't you please discharge my hus-
band for me ?" said the pretty wife Of
James Dunn at the Tombs yesterday.
"Do you feel lonesome?" asked Jus.
tice Duffy.
"Oh, well, you know how it is your.
SELF" she replied.
sI don't; am not a married man."
said the Justice.
"Oh, bachelor; what pity You
would make such fine husband. L"
"Clerk, give this woman a discharge
for her husband. Tell him not to get
drunk again. IN Y World.
A FAST LIFE.
s'There goes a man who leads fast
life."
"Is he rich ?"
"No, he only gets $75 month"
"Then he must steal to lead fast life
on that income ?"
"Oh, no; he's railroad conductor"
- Graphic.
NEXT To THE LATEST.
This Is the latest agony III DonneIS,
she remarked to her husband as she
tried its effects in the mirror.
sis it paid for p he asked.
"No; had it charged"
"Well, it isn't the latest agony In
bonnets, then," he replied with groan.
USEFUL BRANCH.
"What branches do you find most
useful to your pupils p asked visitor
of a professor at the University ofTexas.
"Any branch is good, but I find that
the branches from a peach tree are the
most useful of all. "-TsTGs SiftiRgs.