Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-02-07
WIT AND HUMOR.

boot to scOundrel.
A young woman who does not man.
| age her his with much skill wants to
know if there Is q he liz love? There
is, generally.
| Who says it is unhealthy to sleep in
feathers? Look ut the spring chicken
and see how tough he s.-Scientifc
| american.
Some men are so lucky that they
couldn't fall overheard without being
pulled up with their pockets full of
fish.
Two farmers had a dispute about the
boundary-lines of their farms. Their
dispute is now settled, and so are the
lawyers-On the farms.
A Frenchman is teaching q donkey
to talk. What we want in this country
is man who will teach donkeys not
to talk
The difference between u long and
short yarn is very well illustrated by
the difference of ones feelings in hold
ing Il skein for ones grandmother or
! one 5 sweetheart.
Little George was questioned the
other day about his big sisters beau
How old is hep Il don't know"
''Well, is he young?'' Il think so, for
he hasn't any hair on his head"
A young man urged. rs one of the
reasons why Il girl should marry him,
that he had n collection of over 400
different kinds of wood. She said ii it
was kindling wood she'd think of it.
A Kentucky bluegrass belle says
that for her part she hasn't the slight
est curiosity to hear Mr.. Arnold lecture
as she doesn't see how the traitor can
have the face to stand up before the
American people.
What is the infinity of silence?"
| asked y philosopher of a married man.
Il don't know, but | think it would be
what man had to say to his wife
when she caught him trying to kiss
the hired girl. :"
1t is said that it comes natural with
women to tiirt while they are at the
seashore, and as usual, one wave of q
Woman's handkerchief continues to at
tract more attention than all the waves
of the sea.
The man who wrote Cover the Hills
to the Poor House." is worth $3.50, 900.
He couldn't have gone much further
than over the hills. He must have
struck bonanza this side of the poor
house
"She great artistr' contemptuously
calculated 4 prima donna. why there
was no brass band on the tug-boat that
went down the harbor to meet her. and
she wasn't even interviewed. And she
thinks she can sing!"
The young man who profusely thank
ed his ''best girl for beautiful crush
ed-strawberry pen-wiper, presented to
him on his birthday, still continues the
good old style of using his coat sleeve
for q pen-cleaner.
When Grace put on new pair of
shoes which fitted very closely, and
moreover had 4 low heel, she was ask
ed how they felt. Her reply was: They
make me feel as though | wanted to
walk like a grasshopper.
A worthy old lady offers the follow
ING advice to girls: whenever a fell
low pops the question, don't blush and
stare at your foot. Just throw your
arms around his neck, look him full in
the face, and commence talking about
the furniture.
A certain tailor has a novel way of ad-
vcrtising. Scattered all over he has
the line, ''Kimball is the man you want
to see" We do not think it will work
The average young mans tailor is
about the last man on earth he wants
to see.
A Los Angeles rancher has raised a
pumpkin SO large that his two children
use half each for a cradle. This may
seem very wonderful in the rural dis
tricts; but in the city three orfour full
grown policemen have been found
asleep on 4 single beat
It is sight worthy Of an artists
crayOn to see woman, while talking
through telephone to her grocer three
miles away, stamping her little foot
and shaking her fist rs though the poor
man was quailing right before her
Yo7ake2S Statesman.
A German boy, not years old, re-
siding in Springfield, Ohio. regularly
smokes from ten to twelve cigars daily,
and at one time was not satisfied with
less than twenty. His father keeps q
saloon, and the lads tastes are mainly
gratitied by patrons of the bar.
Two little girls were saying their
prayers prior to being tucked in for the
night. When both had finished, the
younger of the two climbed on her
mothers knee, and said in confiden-
tial but triumphant whisper: Mother,
Clara only asked for her daily bread. )
l asked for bread and milk.
Sonny, is your mother at home?"
asked the minister, addressing the lit
tie boy who was standing at the door.
Yes, she's at home," was the reply,
but | guess she doesn't want to see
you. l heard her just tell pa that she
hated fools, and that she never saw n
man yet who wasn't fool.
When Boston girl gets miffed at
her husband she say: Base tyrant, [
shall leave thee and fly to my father"
When q western girl becomes similarly
affected she simply remarks: ''Old
man, I'm going to get up and get, and