The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1884-12-27
WIT AND HUMOIt.

WIT AND HUMOI,.
When a man Is 20 he calls her tar
tledove, and when he is 40 he thinks
her a swapping turtledove.
An old lady, whose grandson was
about 70 proceed to the Black Sea,
among other parting admonitions gave
him strict injunctions not 70 battle In
that sea, for she did not want him to
come back darkey. ,
After her grandmother had given her
g>~d scolding, little mischief was
overhead to say TO herself: Somebody
is cross in this room; faint me, and
faint dolly, and faint kitty. won
der who il is3"- Hdrper's BaSar.
"On what grounds do you leave me
without the customary weeks noticeF"
indignantly asked Thirteenth Ward
clearinghouse mistress OF q leaving
boarder. Coffee grounds, madam.
coffee grounds" he tartly repl ed.
When a woman becomes 30 absent
minded as to forget to hold her hand
so that the light will fall on her dia-
mond ring, Il is safest for her husband
to give her a wide berth. She is doing
some dangerous thinking. Fall R'ter
Adrance.
The cause OF civilization advances.
Some OF the railway waiting room
doors in Massachusetts, are now marked
respectively "Men" and Women" in
stead Of Gentlemen" and Ladies'. :"
Probably no self-respecting sign-painter
ever sank TO painting Gents" on sta
ton door.-Bttdlo Courier.
A Southern journalist says; III the
Americans don't hurry up, Germans
and Englishmen will bar the way to
Mexico" Can't say as to the English,
but you can gamble on it that If the
Germans get the least bit Of encourage
ment they will bar the way to Mexico
and have their little barrel Of beer on
tap under the bar, too.
Heine tells in his correspondence Of
resident of Frankfort who used to in
terlard his conversation with frequent
ordinations of, I'm Jew, and I'm
proud Of it," why are you proud Of
itp' finally asked some one. Because
if wasn't proud of it should be a
Jew all the same; consequently il is to
my advantage to be proud ofit"
A young man once went to Vicks-
burg, Miss, and announced that he was
going to publish ''lively, spicy paper,
devoted to local affairs" Next day
several one-armed, one-legged. and
one-eyed gentlemen called on him and
advised him not to do it, because they
had tried it and it didn't seem to suit
the people of those parts. Some peo-
pie have no idea of true humor. Bal
tinaorc american.
First bridesmaid You never tcll?"
Second bridesmaid "Of course not, l
never do, you know FIRST brides
maid well, she told me in strict con-
tdence, understand, THAI though jack
was poor they were going to travel all
Summer and stop at the best hotels,
and that they got the money by selling
their duplicate wedding presents. !
wonder whether my spoons are paying
part Of the expenses"
II see you advertise goods to be sold
for "A mere song" said he, as he step
ped into furniture store on Washing
ton street. Yes, SIR answered the
proprietor. "Well, now,
let me see; like that red plush sofa
there, and will sing you When the
Robins Nest Again for it," At last &C
counts he was able to sit up in bed, and
if he continues to improve he will prob
ably be out in week.-Boston Post.
A schoolmaster in Iowa called his
prettiest pupil TO his desk and asked
her if she would marry him. She re-
piled promptly that she would not, If
YOU were the last man on earth. and |
was 40 instead Of To- she added, Il
take you Resuming his
character Of pedagogue, he decided
that her language was disrespectful,
and ferulcd the hand which be could
not get matrimonially. The girl now
sues him for damages.
A ccuntryman in search of head
stone for his mothers grave pitched
upon one the stonecuttcrs had prepared
for another person. IL ike this one
Re said. But" said the other, that
,elongs 10 another man, and has Mrs.
'erry's name cut upon It; il wouldn't
10 for your mother" "Oh, YES il
WOULD" said the countryman. "She
ouldn't read. And, besides, he con-
inued, Perry was always a favorite
lame of hers. - Boston Journal
George had proposed and been ac-
epted. well, " she said, II can sing
nd play on the piano and harp, can
'aint, and at seminary | was up in the
me arts and political economy and
ogic, and ! can crochet beautifully,
nd play lawn tennis, and, and-thats
bout all, think. Now tell me what
re some Of your accomplishments,
;eorge?" 81 haven't got any" Not
single one2' Well be said, with
sigh, III the worst should come to
he worst, think might be able to
ook. "-Boston Journal.
II shall never call on Mrs. Smith
gain said Mrs Jones. II never
Vant TO see her any more" You wo-
men are very foolish TO quarrel over