Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-12-18
Stubbornness Of a Hog.

IT there is one thing on earth more
provoking than another, it is the Amer
lean hog in place where he should
not be. A hog in door-yard or field
of growing grain, or a garden, would
have been too much for Job, who would
probably have Immediately gone out of
the piety business, and begun making
remarks little calculated to advance
the cause of Christ.
When a hog breaks down the barri-
iers between himself and society, and
invades the sacred precincts of mans
cultivated fields, there is going to be a
sulphurous odor in the atmosphere, and
the world is going to be made blue
with energetic forms of expression.
Did you ever see the owner in fee of
fertile and blooming close, greet a
hog as he bowed himself into his pres
ence? We derived the above phrases
from law-book, and know them to be
suitable to the occasion. If you never
saw tragedy in its highest sense, we
will describe it to you.
The hog enters at the right upper en-
trance or any other entrance he hap
pens to observe, and strikes an attitude
of deep reflection. He pauses and
surveys the ground where the deadly
recounter is to occur, and grunts def
ance to the world. If you have never
seen O'Neil play "Monte Christo,n save
your half dollar and leave your gate
open when there are no hogs in sight.
Take a position at your window and
wait; the hog that was nowhere to be
seen enters. After pausing to allow
the applause to subside, he says in
striking pantomime:
'EIhe world is mine-e!' thrilling the
''r' in world with tragic effect. Hay
ing seen the hog render this heroic pas
sage, you will be overcome with burn
ing desire for his exit, and will 90 forth
to hasten it, only to find that his hog
ship is so infatuated with the heartiness
of his reception that he is 10th to 90
10th as used here, should be spelled
with capital ''L." There is no other
kind of 10th so 10th in character as that
used by hog in leaving the premises
he has invaded.
You seize q club and seek to con-
vince him that his room is preferable
to his company. He differs with you,
and you are obliged to argue the ques-
ton. He WaVers, seems almost con-
WINGED, then hesitates, and lastly, ques-
lions the correctness of your conclu-
sions. You insist; he demonstrates
You assert; he denies. You command;
he declines to obey. You argue the
question with him and point out to
him the course you deem it best for him
to pursue; he indicates that he is of a
different opinion and shows his prefer
ence for the other way of going on to
victory. He goes; you follow. He
leads you into hooks and corners and
over gently rising slopes and you plunge
after him into dark and uninviting ra-
vines and rush headlong into the thorny
jungle of gooseberry bushes. You cor
ner him and think you have the best of
the argument, only to find that he has
finessed, and he goes between your legs
at an unexpected movement and downs
you. You strike at him as he approach
es, and he takes the club between his
teeth and banks your shins with 1t as
you fall over his back. He declines to
exit, and in the heat of the discussion,
you get a rifle and enact the last scene
in the great tragedy, by shooting the
life out of him. Ten to one you think
you have him then, but you have not.
When you seek to drag him out, you
find that he is too heavy for you, and he
is triumphant even in death. Through
HAIL.