Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1884-06-03
Was He Drunk ?


A downtown business man was seated
at hts desk for an hour one morning, look
ing over his mail, and then he sat and
thought for half an hour, and finally called
the janitor to the room and spoke to him
thus:
'sJames do you recall anything that hap
pened day before yesterday; anything Pc
culiar in my manner or anything?"
James is man who desires to agree with
his master in everything, because this is
the best way, but he couldn't tell by the
quest ion whether the boss wanted him to
remember any popularity Or not, SO. he
said: 30, nothing so very peculiar"
ssWas l drunk?'' asked the master, in a
tone of voice which the janitor thought
meant either that the master wanted to es-
tablish case Of drunkenness or sobriety,
and the janitor answered.: "Well, you
might have been little under the influence
of liquor"
"Not so very little,'' said the master.
ssYou may go and send the book-keeper in
here"
The book-keeper came in, and the head
of the wholesale house said: ~ was little
off my base day before yesterday, wasn't
I?' The book-keeper had been told by
the janitor what to say, and he blushed
and said, if the truth must be told, he was
little off.
81 thought So" said the boss, as he rest
ed his head on his hand and looked far
away, s'and l suppose | made the biggest
fool of myself that ever was, and you have
got to help me out
The book-keeper looked frightened, as
though he didn't know what was expected
r. L. Il, t. do ~,
reason for his employer, and he asked what
the trouble was about.
"Well," said the employer, 81 don't
think drank SO much, but you know how
it is when you go out in the forenoon with
customer from the country. When / went
home to dinner was little dizzy, and my
wife was cross, but I pulled through the
dinner all right, and then my wife handed
me lot of bills that had been sent to the
house, and some invitations she had re-
ceived to coffee and things and asked me to
have the bills paid and send acceptances to
some of the invitations, and regrets to 9th
ers. l remember of sitting down to my
desk here, when got back from my din
ner, and attending to it, bnt l swow, l
guess got them mixed. | must have sent
regrets to the butcher, because here is a
note from him, telling me regrets don't buy
cattle on the hoof and if l don't pay that
meat bill he will sue me tomorrow. Now,
here is check for the amount, made out
to lady who gave a coffee yesterday, and
her husband sends it back with a demand
for an apology, or he will whip me for in
sulting his wife. My wife, who supposed
sent an acceptance of the invitation, went
to the party and was most beautifully
snubbed. l want you to take the check
and go up there and apologize, and get the
lady to endorse the check over to the
butcher. Tell her you were drunk when
you sent it, and if she does not help you to
straighten the matter out, you will be dis
charged. Tell her you have large family
to support, and all that. Then go to her
husbands Office, and if he wants to whip
me, you take it for me, and charge it to &C
count. And here you go up and pay my
water tax, and go to this address, and tell
the lady that the note she got from me,
telling her to shut off the water and be
-, was sent by mistake, and that my
wife will be at her party tomorrow night
sure. Tell the water collector that the
compliments and regrets" that l sent
him, in answer to his note that they would
have to shut off the water at my house, was
one of your stupid blunders. l can't see
how l made such fool of myself? Here
is the plumber matter. That sticks me.
l don't see how we are going to get out of
that. 1t seems that l had note from the
minister, telling me they were raising
money for the heather, and asking me to
contribute. l see by this statement from
the bank that the minister has had my
check for hundred and fifty dollars
cashed, and here is a letter from him thank
ing me for my liberal donation to the cause
of educating the heather. Good heavens,
| only intended to give dollar, and must
have sent the dollar to the plumber, with a
letter giving him my opinion of people who
strike business men to support heathen
when there are white people suffering for
the necessities of life. That plumber will
be mad at getting only dollar and being
called heather, when he expected hun
dred and fifty dollars on account. You
want to rush right off to the minister be-
fore he spends that money and get it back.
Tell him it is the grandest mistake of your
life, and that you contemplate suicide, and
he will probably let up and give you the
money, and you take it right to the
plumber, or he will go and stop up my
sewer, and then 1 will have to pay him.
Oh, this drink! How it does break man
up. Whatever you do, don't drink. But
tell that minister you have been hard
drinker, but you have sworn off, and he
mustn't take advantage Of you and keep
that money for the heather. And by the
way, l wish you would see the secretary Of
the Y. M. G. A., and see if didn't send him
blue faro chip instead of half dollar, in
response to his invitation to chip in to-
wards giving dinner to the unemployed.
I intended to send him half dollar, but
have missed that blue faro chip l had in
my pocket for two or three days. If he
has the faro chip, give him half a dollar
and redeem it, and tell him it was in the
cash drawer and you got hold of it by mis-
take. Now you attend to all this, and help
me out of the scrape, and just as likely as
not you will get your salary raised a year
from next January" and the business man
got up and drank pint of seltzer.-Peck's
Sun.