The state journal., 1884-08-30
CHEAP JACKERY.
Tho Confession OF a Suddenly Reformed


Case.
From Puck on Wheels.
Circumstances over which l had no
control once induced me to act as Cheap
Jack.
Would you like to hear little of the
foolery | instructed, amused and gulled
the country.fO folk with? You would ?
Then listen:
Ladies', Gentlemen and Noblemen in
disguise-You see the brilliant and varied
assortment of merchandise have to offer,
and you see me. / am going to sell you
this gorgeous assortment of goods at prices
that will make you think [ stole them;
and, mind you, don't say did not steal
them.
Before l offer my goods to you | will
tell you who | am. Twas born, at very
early age, with solid silver spoon in my
mouth. 1 was born principally in New
ark, by special request, and was the old
est of four children. who were mostly
boys and girls. When | was a few
months old had grown so fast that my
mother was alarmed, and III moment
of frenzy, she shortened me. | grew
rapidly, and got to be 10 years old in less
time than any boy ever managed it before,
and was so honest and truthful that the
local minister insisted on having me as
apprentice. | started as boss organ
blower at two dollars week, and ended
as a regular journeyman parson, at ten
thousand year
II had to resign owing to circumstances
over which | had no cOntrOl-and l
invested my savings in these valuable
and beautiful goods, bought at tenth
of the manufacturers prices. | am the
only Cheap Jack that never told lie
the only one who can afford to give goods
away if lie cannot sell them.
"Now you see this knife. It's as sharp
as lancet, as strong as a plow, as bright as
a sword, and as firm as pyramid. have
Just one dozen left out of thousand
gross that | bought when l was parSOn
and I'll sell them at 81 each to any one
who will buy them. Here's the first one
who'll have it for dollar2 What
got no money? Well, I'm sorry for
you and I'll try to accommodate you.
I'll take ninety nine cents for it. What
no bidders yeti Take one for ten cents.
Thank you, sir. Don't tell any one what
stole it. Sold again! you'll make your
y
Sold again! You could not buy such a
knife at store for tenth of the money
Sold again
"Now I'm going to astOnish you. You
all see this elegant memorandum book
1t is made of the very finest Circassian
cream-laid paper; ruled by a diamond
pen with sapphire ink; perfumed in
Arabia, gilt-lettered in Paris, and bound
in Morocco. Any gentleman who has
one of these books projecting little way
out of his side pocket can get credit to an
unlimited extent, and keep an account Of
the particulars. You can write poetry in
it and strop your razor on it. Being
very solid and sharp. .cornered, it is
useful article to throw through the
window at the cats when they disturb
you at night; and it is most appropri-
ate present to make to lady. If you
carry it in your hand, and have this
eternally pointed selfacting electric
pencil in your mouth, you may collect
rents, rates and taxes at any house in the
town-and the price is only 81. What
nobody wants one! Very well-I'll sell
them in the next town, where the people
have both brains and money, and have
learned how to write. | don't believe
you have five cents among you! III
risk it, If anybody has five cents I'll
forfeit this book for it! Oh you hare five
cents, then? Sold again, and lost ninety
five cents. don't care! I'm rich enough.
Here you are-yOu can't bankrupt me.
Sold again Sold again-tO the Mayors
sweetheart. Sold again-tO a milk man
ulaCturer. Sold agalnt'
CircumStances-in the disagrceable
forms of warrant, q policeman, a Judge,
jury and jail-Over which | had no
control, induced me to discontinue the
Cheap Jack profession. After many
months of strict seclusiOn reappeared in
public, not as Cheap Jack, but as
Champion Revivalist. Such is life.