Connecticut western news., 1884-02-20
WIT AND WISDOM.

GETTING rich on light pro6ts-The gas companies.
 IT is said that even the motor hns lost all faith in MT. Keely.
 OMAHA people bristle up when they are spoken of as "omahogs." ,"
 Tug Indianapolis Sentinel truthfully says it iB the early advertiser who catches the spring trade.
 Tms is leap year. If seems as though ali the years are leap years, as they jump by so rapidly.
 Ir is thought that Bismarck will find out that the pen is mightier than the sword when he makes wur against the American pig.
 Our in Nebraska man by the namo of Onion has just failed. He ought to be able to pay hundred scents on the dollar, though.
 "YEs, Augustus, ] love you. Nowyou must go and see father" tNo, dovie, not yet; that is father than want Co go just at present"
 A BAND of Italian brigands captured n duke recently, md held him for thirty days. Any American heiress can do that, and hold him longer
 "CAN a mule driver be a Christian 7' is recent oonundrum. He might be. but it would destroy his usefulness as a mule driver.
 A HEALTH journal tells "How to Catch a Cold" The cold may escape, for all we care. We shall not undertake to catch ii.
 BARBER (wishing to compliment e bald customer); Formerly you must have had n wonderful head of hair. ."-Phtt- adelphia Call.
 A LoDoINu.HousE bed in New York can be obtained for fiyo cents, and still some New Workers occasionally persist in staying up all night
 PRAorIoAL jokers nowadays obtain nearly all their ideas from the humorous departments of newspapers; the funny men make the suggestions and the practical jokers get tho kicks. -- Phita. CaM
 WrFE-"The Hours ont" Husband "So is my money" wife-"The coal's gone" Husband-"So Is my credit" Wife-"Well, we can't starve." Hus- bnnd-"Can't we7 That s good; was afraid we should" "INrEII1oENoE is very good thing in wife, but the taste of young men rather runs to beauty" says the somer- vile Journal "They prefer a we'll formed girl to a merely well-inlormed one."
 A YOUNG mans answer when requested to sing was: "No, have not attempted to sing for several years. My voice got away from me when was young; and when I caught 1t, it squealed so that it frightened me, and let it go again"
 NEARLY all the hotel men are now will ing to admit that flats arc hurting their business. And wo had always supposed that they made most of their money off flats. Well, well, what shan ( we learn next ?-Bosto Transoriok
 A WOMAN mover feels tho need of medical education 80 much as when she has a sore.nosed pug dog, and ia unde- cided whether to give it dose of. brim- stone and molasses or to put Q stripe of pink eourt.plaster on the painful spot.
 THE new mother was bitterly lament ing that her irst-born was cross.eyed, and the father, after looking at tho babe for a second, said encouragingly: "Never mind, Martha. If he's cross-eyed he'll never be q masher. There's somo con. solution in that"
 SMALL Boy-"Mamma, has your tongue my wheels like n clockP" Nam. ma-"No, darling. Why do you ask ?" S. B.-"'Cause heard papa tell Jane your tongue was like elock--it ran from morning hll night. "--Phtladclohia CaH
 A MAN in a sleeping car went through a terrible accident, in which tho ear rolled down an embankmont, without waking. It was noted, however, that as the car struck the bottom he murmured; "Dont Jane, don't; I'll get up and start the fire directly"
 SMALL husband twho while his wife is away to the country, asserts his au- thority)': at comes to this, cook-am I the master of this house or nm not p' Cook: "well, sir, you know precious we'll you ain't when the missus is at home"
 SEVERAL fashionable flats in Now York city have been robbed of their stair. carpets. The "finost in the world," it is understood, have spat on their hands and confidently expect to capture the thieves should they come back after the flats themselves.
 Nor one woman in ten thousand can open the front door without glancing both up and down the street before clos ing it again. Notone man in twenty thou sand opens n saloon door from the inside without glanciug m and down the street before slipping out -f'httadei' phia Cah
 "I KNOW we are poor, my dear. argued the husband, "but we must bear in mind that it isn't wealth that always brings happiness. 'T know wealth doesn't always bring happiness" re. sponded the wife, "but it brings seal- skin sacques and diamonds and silk dresses, etc., and that's good enough happiness for me. "-EUoning CaH.
 A YOUNG lady while visiting at Jack. sonville, Florida, painted plaque.