The Mineral argus., 1884-02-07
LAST CALL.
He Visits the Aristocracy and is
Filled With Disgust.

Filled With Disgust.
New York Times.
When Brother Shinbones Smith re-
turned, after making his New Years
calls, to his brown wood-front on the
western frontier of Ho5oken, it was
nearly l:30this morning. He had start
ed ont in the early afternoon arrayed in
all the glory Of his best protracted meet
ing clothes. A chrome yellow overcoat
of antique mold enfolded his manly fig
ure, and a white dicer of lofty emf
hence poised above his zimmerman brow.
A pair of oblong, brass-rimmed goggles
bestrode his nose, and in his hand he
carried a blue cotton umbrella. His
whiskers were neatly trimmed and oiled
with the aromatic unguent of the opos-
sum, imported at expense
from the interior of New Jersey. When
he returned the overcoat was
sadly abbreviated in the after
ward department, disclosing a
solemn and suggestive vacancy in the
restful part of his trousers. Brother
Shinbones did not look so happy as he
had looked earlier in the day, and he
met the inquiring gaze of his volumin-
GUS spouse with something that an ig-
norant person would have taken for
timidity.
"Lawk a massyr, exclaimed Mrs.
Smith. "~Shinbones, whar yo' been ter?
Yo' lux as eff yo' he'd been in de den o.
lions"
avail, L hain't," said S~hinbones, de-
posting his umbrella and dicer in a cor
ner.
"What happened ter yer?"
"Jes yo' hop on till l catch my bref a
bit an I'll tell yer"
After a few moments of painful silence
Shinbones turned a sorrowful gaze upon
his Spouse. and thus addressed her;
l had a fus'rate time dis yer day, till /
ondertuk ter make my las call on Mistah
and Missis Hardenberry what Ibis up on
Union Hill. Dey am putty heightened
pussons, yer know, an dey heb give me
some Jobs awhile washin' up dar. l was
frlnken Diet l orter kinder pay 'em my
dispects for all der kin'ness, so l hauled
myself up dat ar hill, and went fur der
dooh yard. I'd been a-makin' a putty
good many calls, yer see, an it was put
ty late. Still, SEE 1 ter myself, SEE l,
faint none too late to be a-callin' on Moo
Years. So | raised de ole gate open and
mosied right inter de yard an slid up to
de from dooh. Doggone me fur pickles
eff dey didn't heb a egg basket a-hangin'
ter de dooh knob. Wal, sir, wen l seed
dat dar egg basket, SEE l ter myself, SEE
|, dis yer hain't no kinder way to be
treatjn' a ole fren, an Pm gwine fur ter
git inter dis yer shanty an catch onter
suthin' err other ter drink. So | cantered
up ter de dooh and let fly wild dis yer
fut. Den / listened a bit, but didn't hear
muffin noah dan my W breff. So 1
jes hauled OFF an let FER her'tagin. Den
I kinder imagined l heer a sorter growl.
| ies luked aroun', an, sho' huff, dar
was Mr.. Hardenberry's bull tarrier
gain at me outen his one eye Now,
yo' know me, ole woman, and you know
/ don't like dawgs,' specially dawgs wild
one eye. An wen de dawg's a bull tar
rier, den Pm away orr, chile, umph-
umph. Wal, l kinder'backed orfa piece
whistle ter de dawg. Blame if he
SEE a word back. Den I reckoned dat
he warn't much mad, and l mosied up
ter de dooh agin. Soon's l did dat he
begin ter growl. So l begin ter reckon
dat I'd bes' git about; So l starts fur
der gate. Bless yer ole heart, soon's l
did. dat ar dawg slid aroun' and got in
'twixt me an der fence. Den | onder-
TUX to reason wild i'm.
Pup" SEE | ter de dawg, SEE 1, dis
yer may strike yo' base. How'm Igwine
ter STAN hyar all night? Yo' bettah 90
roun' benin de mouse an lemme git
out"
But de dawg he only kinder wauk his
one eve an SEE muffin. So l went an
sot down onter de steps, an de daWg he
laid down 10 front o. me with his nose
twixt his front paws an nevah TUX dat
ar eye OFF me. Every time l got up de
dawg got up an showed his teef; an den
] sot down again yer kin betcher yer
life, an so did de daWg. VOL after I'd
sgt dar' byut to two. yeahs l gan ter git
putty sick OBJ de circus. All on a student
[ recomembered that 1 had a beef
bone in my pocket that I'd bored from
BREEDER Pete Maguff wen l called dar.
good dawggie, eat dat for yO' Moo
Years." The dawg he tackled enter't
an 1 kinder careless-like, started fur de
fence. Soon's | got benin de dawg |
made a break fur ter jump de fence an
skip. Jes as l was risin' on de jump dat
blamed dawg grabbed holt O. me benin
an ] lit on my stummick onter de fence.
kicked an de dawg hung on. Twas
an tuck 'twixt me an de dawg fur a
constable time, but pretty soon
de ole coat an de breaches bruk. De
1awg rolled ober onter his back an l
went ober de fence onter my head. Ole
woman, de way l lit aout soon's | cud
pick myself up vas wusser dan Lot
5cooted out o. Gotham an Tommorah de
time o. de big fab. When dis yer hon
ible membah goes a-Noo Years CALM
agin' YOU be able ter catch cat-feesh wild
yo' hans. Gud-night." 1