davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
HUMOROUS.

In Burdette phraseologv: "Whnt
has went with all the cooking clubs?
If brevity is tho soul OF wit. there
tall Carl FretzeEs Weekly
--"Why are you so ds anti" said q
tramp to u beeisteak N 'hs restaurant
window. - Cticqgo Eera,u.
1.-Two Skunks is the cognomcn of q
Sioux Chief. Why not maxi him Head
Center of the Indian nations. - Boston
CouTisr.
1T has been sugccste that n fitting
epitah for Captain WEBB would be: He
was not favo ito in the pools. '--Mer>
chant Traveller.
What are you writing such Dig
hand for, Pat?' "Whv. you SEQ ny
grandmother dafe. and I'm writing a
Iond letther tn her. "--Ds.roJ Post.
Miss Kate Fild believes In hot
water as cure for dyspepsia. Wei,
yes. You let man &c. into hot
water and he'll forget al about dys-
pepsia. Boston Post.
What is that's it n circus aero.
batp Oh no, my son, that is q man
who is kicking himself. What max
the man kick himself lie has been to
o masquerade party and firted with
his vile all the evening - loyon.o
Grip.
AN attorney, about to furnish n b'll
OF costs, WAS requested by lis client, a
baker, ITO make it as light as poss Die"
"Ahr' rcpl cd the attorney. that's
what you may say TO your foreman, but
it's not the way make my bread. -
~ T. Graphic.
Come here, Matilda, and keep
these ounces from burning while I go
and make up tie beds, said an indul-
gent mother who had been stirring the
boiling fruit for some minutes white
her daughter stood idly considering he
lilv and the sunllower in tho front yard
"No, mother, shan't STIR" replied the
lapguid maiden, who had recently been
reading over some secondhand puns In
an ancient almanac. - Yonker'S States
man.
The Professor, from his official
chair-"We who ourselves dedicate to
noble career find necessary 20 the COM
pletc fulfillment of our mission large
development of the body as well as n
powerful unfolding of the intellect Our
duties arc laborous and painful. We
must accustom ourselves to perform
them without helps cXtraneous or arti-
fetal. The good engineer, like the
skillful mariner, must be able 10 shave
himself in the dark without looking
glass" A pupil-"But, ii in the dark,
how might a looking-glass aid hime'
The Professor-"Silcnce the mouth, sir.
You como here to learn. ~ CITY of Mer-
q Mnlln0r
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
PERSONAL AyD LITERARY.

General Mcclellan will hereafter
live in Washington.
Henry Phillips, aged sixty.two, and
HIATT Olms cad, nged fifteen, were
married at Greig. NY, recently.
George Alfred Town,end has writ
ten novel, 1.-The Euai cd Hat"
which the Harpars have acc copied.
-Spurgeon, the famous London min
isler, has Dut twp children twin rs
and they are bot Baptist clergymcn.
VIII Carleton has written a poem
on a mortga-c C, 1t eas er to poem q
mortagc lnan to mo.tgage o po. IL. -
Chicago Inter Ocean.
Bartholomew Tarney, OF Bath,
Steuben Coz nty, New York, slgnalizel
his one huudc5dth bir hday the othec
day by Walking three miles
Miss Maud Banks. daughter Of
General n. +. Banks, goes on the plat
form this season rs IN elotutionist. She
has been studying in Europe.
MIR. w. d. Howcils, tao novelist, is
forty six years old. He loves quiet and
home and shuns society and field sports.
His revised and interlined proofs arc q
Me. Walker, the colored lawyer
appointed by Governor Blu lar 10 the
bench of the Charl estowl City Court, is
Roman Catho.i le.olgs TO the choir
of st. Vincent Church, and has white
wife. Boston Posi-.
DR.. M,ry Walker must find some
compensation for the sliAgs and arrows
OF outrageous fortune in the 5000 lett
her by the vii OF an eccentric Massa-
chusetts man who died the Other day
Indianapolis JourWaL
Justice Gray, of the United States
Supreme Court, has ridden over three
hundred miles on horseback on consec-
utive days this summer without fa-
tiguc. AS the Judge weighs three hum
d. ed pounds, his horse has not como
out so well.-- Chicago Journal
1t is reported that throughout one
of his books John Morley insisted upon
printing the name Of the Deity without
q capital, whereupon one of his review
ers published his critiquc with frequent
mention OF tho autlor rs 'mr John
morley
The first newsboy who ever sold a
copy OF the New YORK SIN in the
streets of New York became famous
and rich. He was ten years old, and
from Cork. His name was Bernard
Flaherty, but he was a'terward known
as Ba ney w Wlians, the com d an.
Julius Nathan, q member OF the
New York Stock Ex han c tas hal his
name changed to julius Newton, He
has done this becausa, as stated, many
people abroad wanted to kn W ii he was
in any way related to the Nathan fam
lily, that was maie unfortunately coa-
spicuous by the death OF The lalc Bonja.
min Nathan. ~ y 7,1aeS.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
A Nautical Curiosity.

John Crankshaw, Jr., an ingenious
young man of Frankford, Las construct
cd O curious little canoe with heavy
muslin and barrel hoops. Tho craft Is
fourteen feet long and twenty inches
wido in the center. The stem and stern
posts arc sawed out Of pine knoe knots,
and the lateral slips over which tho
ribs arc fastened are also OF pine. Tho
rest of the little boat is constructed en-.
tirely Of muslin and ordinary flour BAR
rel hoops, tho latter being one-quarter
of au inch apart and fastened 10 tho
lateral slips, which oxtend from stem
to stern. Over this skeleton the mus
lin, having been thoroughly soaked in
oil, l. stretched, Two water tight COM
partments are made fore and aft, by
stretching the oil soak d muslin entire
ly over the canoe, thus max ng deck
which can not be penetrated by the wa
ter. The paddler's place contains q
small scat. and space enough TO clear
the occupants legs and feet. A light
board floor keeps tho latter from knock
ing holes In the crafts rIuslin bottom.
When the canoe had been completed.
but not painted, IL weighed only SIX
teen pounds, but has since been given
several heavy coats of white lead. and
now weighs tiirty-eight pounds. II has
been successfully put to test, and t.
owner, with his double bladed paddle,
uses IL almost every day on the river.
Philadelphia Record.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
A Fatal Misapprehension.

Marie Gunui. formerly an artificial
flower maker, who for some years had
been separated from her husband and
had vainly solicited his permission to
SEQ their two children, waylaid him
Yesterday in the Passage Violet and
fired n revolver Mt him. The ball did
not touch h m, and he took TO flight. A
young man who happened 10 be walk
Inc behind tried TO wrest the revolver
from her, and succeeded in forcing her
to the ground, but the passcrs-by,
fancying she was being maltreated,
rescued her from his grasp, whereupon
she iilcd two barrels at him. His life
is daspaired of. The woman was then
seized and taken 10 the police station.
She states that the young man was u
perfect stranger TO her, but in the ex-
element Of the moment she took him
for her husband. against whom she had
been heard to vow vengencc Paris
Cor. London Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

IL can never express my love for
you," he said, in burst of emotion,
as his arm tightened around her waist.
and she helped him out of the diff
Guilty in breach of girlish intuition
by suggesting that he could send it
all by mail for two cents.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

A wag the other day denied that
John Bunyan was the author Of the
pilgrims Progress" Being vehe-
mently contradicted, may" said he,
81 question even if he contributed to
the work; for it is impossible that a
bunion should contribute to any pill
grim's progress. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

No, / don't object to the smell of
a cigar" said a widow to her lover.
at reminds me of dear John, who
declared that although he didn't like
the taste Of tobacco he had to smoke
to keep the moths out of his mouth"
Hotel Mail.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

"My DEAR" said Mr.. Muckleham
to his wife, "thosc hams ! bought the
other day are so badly spoiled they
cannot be eaten" "What a pity"
his wife replied. "Guess we'd better
send them out to the charity hospital" "
Arkansas Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

A western woman applied to doc
tor for prescription for her husbands
rheumatism. Get that prepared" T"
said the medical man, and rub it well
into your husbands back. If it does
him any good let me know; I've got
touch Of rheumatism myself
T.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

mo, Charlie, you mustn't call OH
me; I'm engaged, and Jim won't
like it," "Well, he calls on you, and
I don't like it. / guess I've got as
good right to worry him as he has
to worry me.-Philadelphia Chron.
icle-Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Having made his will, Mr.. Barnum
was lately asked if he thought he
would go to heaven when he dies.
"Well, I don't see why not, was the
characteristic reply of the great adj
vertiser. 81 think l have the best
show on earth. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

The late husband, who removed his
boots in the hall. thinking to steal up
stairs without waking his wife, found
that she was watching him from the
landing, admitted that it was boot
less attempt.-Somerville Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

"Will you have small piece of
the light meat or small piece Of the
dark Z" asked Bob's uncle, as he
carved the turkey at dinner. "I'll
have a large piece of both," said
Bob.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

II don't see how you can endure
that PliAy girl. Jack ?" said his sis
ter. "I'm sure there's nothing in her,
indeed. l just wish you'd been with
sto supper after the theatre tonight" F"
and he dropped a tear over his bur-
led salary.-San Francisco Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

A German physician defines the
main difference in the effects of whs-
ky and beer to be; "Viskey makes
you kill somebody else; (; nit peer you
only kills yourself"-Toledn Blade.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Blacksmiths forge and are allowed
to do it. Carpenters do counter-it-
ting and are not molested. While
prominent dealers in hardware sell
iron and steel for living g-Pretzel's
Weekly.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

A prairie farmer reports that late
windstorm lifted about everything
from his lands except the mortgage.
Cincinnati Commercial Gazette.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

There is river in Africa called
Kissemelonga. Every girl in this
country knows all about it, from the
source to the mouth.-The Hoosier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

"Oh, don't propose to Inc now," she
screamed; don't, don't, don't. If
I say yes, you'll want to kiss me, and
I've been eating onions. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
NEW YORK, 1884.

Ab ,ut sixty million copies Of The sun have gone
cut OF our establishment durlng the past twelve
months.
II you were 10 paste end 10 End AL the columns Of
all The suns printsd and I'D last year you would
get CONTINUOUS strip II interesting information,
common sense wisdom, SOUND doctrine, aud sane
Wit long enough TO Tsaon IRON Printny House
square 10 the top OF Mount Copernieus IN the moon
then back 10 Printing House square, "ni thsn
thres-Q uarters of the way back To the noon again
But rhs sun Ia written for the inhabitants Of the
earth this same strip Of ltrlligenes would girdle
the globe twenty-s ven or twenty-eiSht times.
II every buyer OF n copy Vt Inc sun during the
past year has spent oaly Ona hour over II, aud II
his vile or his grandfather has spent another hour
this Newspaper in 1883 has Afforded the human race
thir Jsen thousand years VI steady reading, NAH
and day.
itisony by little calculations like these that you
can form any idea OF the circulation OF the mo-
popula, OF American newspapers, of its influence
on The opinions aud actions OF American men ana
women
which tells the truth with out fear OF consequences
waloh gets at tho facts no matter how much the
process COSTS, which presents the news OF all the
world without waste OF words and IN the most
readable shape, which is working with all ITS hehr
for the cause Of honest govsrnm mt ami wmch
therefore believes that tho Republican party must
ISL. ''
II you know Tho Sun, you like IL already, and
yOu will read !, with accustomed diligence ana proh
durux what is to be this most interesting year
IN its history. II you do not yet know The sun, IT
Is high tms 10 got into tho sunshine.
Terms to Mail subscribers.
The several editions Of Ths Sun are sent by mail,
postpaid, AS follows;
bAILY-5O cents month, 90 year; with Sunday
editisn, t7
SUNDAY. Eight pages. This edition furnishes
the current news OF the world. special aticles OF
exceptional interest to everybody aud literary re-
views OF new hooks OF the highest merit. 81 II
year.
wEgRLY-sI a yoar Eight pages Of the best
matter OF tho Daily issues an Agricultural de-
partment Of uneousled value, special market re-
ports and literary, scientific, and domestic intel
lgence make rhs Weekly sun the newspaper for
tho farmers household To clubs Of ten with $40,
Address, l. w. ENGLAND, Publisher,
The Sun, ". Y. City.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Boys and women" says IN eS.
pericnced observer, always want 70
nk whore they amt
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

The camel is the ideal temperance
individual. He is not strict teeto-
taller, though he seldom drinks.-Cin-
cinnati Commercial Gazette.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Given up to die--a last years light
dress.-Merchant Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Many "heavy swells" float on the
bill-owes of credit.-Gonverneur Her
aid
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

81 print kiss on your soft, white
cheek" says the type to the paper
"The impression you make is good" !"
is the reply.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

"To the pure" said the milkman
as he sold quart of milk to an in
nocent little girl, "all things are pure"
Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Organizers--Italians --Philadel'
phia Chronicle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

The Burlington Hawkeye man says
that "powder is like money. It's
awfully hard to hold after it begins
to go"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Bismark, d. T., need not change
its name. d. T. can stand for darn
ed tyrant.-Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
100000
Subscribers

Want Il for 1854. The <meriedn lgriepitur-
ist to-day Is better than over before We have in
creased our corps Of Editors and Artists. enlarged
and added to all our Departments until the Period
ical is now the recognized leading Agricultural
Journal Of the world, presenting in every issue 100
Columns OF Original Reading Matter
from tho "blest writers and nearly 100 Original
Illustrations. 1t is to the interest Of every one
whose subscription has expired, or who changing
his place OF residence, moving West. has for the
time being dropped out Of our Greet Army Of Sub.
ciibere 10 -
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26

Soliloquy of thief professionally
occupied: my pals have called
me bird. So l am, I'm robbin."
Life.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-26
WIT AND HUM0R.

Observation-Disclosures. --Philadel-
phia Chronicle.
Given up to die--a last years light
dres,.-Merchant Traveller.
Many "heavy swells" float on the
bill-owes of credit.-Gonverneur Her
aid.
Bismark, D. T., need not change
its name. d. T. can stand for darn
ed tyrant.-Philadelphia Call.
Soliloquy of a thief professionally
occupied: my pals have called
me bird. So 1 am, I'm rObbin."
Life.
The Burlington Hawkeye man says
that powder is like money. It's
awfully hard to hold after it begins
to go"
| Iiihb q hioo Oh lNui C"ib "H'tN
cheek" says the type to the paper
"The impression you make is good" !"
is the reply.-Ex.
"To the pure" said the milkman
as he sold a quart Of milk to an in
nocent little girl, "all things are pure"
Philadelphia Call.
The camel is the ideal temperance
individual. He is not strict teeto-
taller, though he seldom drinks.-Cin-
cinnati Commercial Gazette.
"Oh, don't propose to Inc now," she
screamed; don't, don't, don't. If
I say yes, you'll want to kiss me, and
I've been eating onions. ."-Ex.
There is a river in Africa called
Kissemelonga. Every girl in this
country knows all about it, from the
, 1884-11-26

Lord Ouferin made a very elo-
9uent and most graceful speech in
Belfast on Wednesday, in answer to
the congratulations which Ulster Of
tered him on his new dignity of Vice
roy OF India. Nothing could be bet
ter than his description of the tasks
which IRE set the Viceroys of India.
or than his own ideal of a spero
Viceroyaity, which consists in this,
that his nam should hardly be heard
in the United Kingdom between the
time of his leaving and the time of
his return. This does not mean that
ne would wish in any way to evade
great and arduous duties but that he
wishes to deal with duties of a kind
on which an appeal to England is
hardly possible, and that he wishes
his Administration to be one of peace.
he reminded his audience of the num-
Der of Ulster men who had made
their mark in India, of the Duke of
wellington, Of Lord Wellesley, Lord
Mayo, Lord Lawrence, Sir Robert
Montgomery. And we sincerely hope
that none of these will prove to have
, 1884-11-26

has offered to help in controlling
Bechuanaland,-nor without an idea
that if England moves in earnest the
general Dutch interest may suffer. 1t
has been decided, nevertheless, to form
a European Gendarmerie in that
district, and to send out Sir Charles
Warren, who thoroughly understands
its affairs, as Commissioners. 1t will
b. necessary to give him extensive
powers, and the right, should i: prove
Indispensable, to call for reinforce
ments, as the Beers will commence
aggression if they perceive any sign of
wavering. Their leaders are at their
wIts'-end to provide estates for their
younger followers.
, 1884-11-26
(Spect0tor October 25tb. J

The news from China is moi reas-
surfing for the French, or indeed, tor
Europe. The Chinese are pouring
troops into Tonquin III such numbers,
that General Briere de Fl~le, III SUI
preme command there, demands rein
forcements of 10000 men. His sub
ordinates win all skirmishes, but he
loses men !; and SO many are suffer
ing from sickness-the usual fate of
French conscripts, who have no heart
for these distant wars-that he can
scarcely keep the field. His strength
too, is diminished by the plan, never
adopted by the English, of holding n
great number of small fortified places,
which do not subdue the country half
so we'll as a considerable victory
would do. The repulse from Formo-
sa is at last officially acknowledged,
and it is admitted that Admiral C0ur-
bet has ordered a strict blockade,
which may involve European compli-
cations. 1t is impossible to carry it
out without stopping European YES
sells, yet, as no war has been declared,
the right to stop them does not exist.
The Europeans, who generally sym
pathise with the French from the dis
like of China, SO universal in Chinese
ports, may keep away for a time
but, sooner or later, circumstances of
a stringent character will be address
ed to Paris.
, 1884-11-26

left a more benignant mnrk on India
than that which still remains to be
impressed by the genius of Lord
Dufferin.
, 1884-11-26
MiSceLIGm e "a g.
From the Spectator of 18th October.

The members of the Prime Meridi-
m. Conference sitting at Washington
hive decided to adopt Greenwich and
10 measure 100 degrees Of longitude
each way, marking West by minus
and East by plus. A motion to count
the degrees continuously was with
drawn as an unimportant detail.
Twenty-one nations, including the
United States, Germany, Austria,
Italy, Holland, Scandinavia, and
Spain voted for the meridian of
Greenwich, and only San Domingo
voted against it; but France and
Brazil did not vote. A great effort
was made 10 obtain a decision in ia
your of metric weights and measures,
but the British refused, saying such a
change was hopeless !; and there was
a strong declaration of opinion in ia
YOUR of counting the twenty-four
hours Of the day continuously, instead
of backwards and forwards from noon.
Nothing, however, was done in this
matter, progress being impeded not
only by national prejudices, but by
the enormous weight of vested inter
ests engaged in favour of the present
scheme. Sir j. Bennett would think
of suicide, and the American com
panles would go into liquidation.
Mr.. r. Giffen has drawn up a most
able paper on the condition of the SUI
gar trade, which shows that prices are
not affected in any great measure by
the giving of bounties in some coun-
tries, but by the enormous expansion
OF production. The English people
now u the Incredible quantity
of l,O83.000 tons q year, equal TO $50
lbs. of sugar a house, for which the
country pays 93O,O0O,O 900, or about
half the fum spent annually, ut pre-
sent prices, upon bread. SO far from
the business OF Sugar-refning having
declined, the number of refnerS has
risen since 1851 from 1920 to 4,494,
and the quantity has risen since 1880
by 100, 600 tons. AS to the bounties,
"the maximum amount of sugar re-
celving "a bounty on refining IS only
about 100000 tons, against an annual
total Of 3,OO0,0 900 tons refined" 1.-THE
amount is too small to affect the
performance of the natural manufac.
ture," and the true reason for the fal!
has been increased production. In
deed, the fall in sugar itself, great as
Ut seems, is ''less than the fall in
wheat" rice, tea, and many other ar
eicles.
, 1884-11-26

All movement in France is now
governed by fear of the elections Ii
is understood that the peasantry dread
war with China, and consequently it
is not declared while foolish little
credits of G4O0, 900 are demanded for
Tonquin to avoid the large vote, pro.
badly of $4,000, 900, which must
speedily be sanctioned. NJ. Ferry
indeed, has admitted to the Budget
Committee that he knows further
taxation is required, but avoids it un-
til the new Chamber has assembled.
1t is supposed he will restore the re-
peaIed sugHr duties /; and meanwhile
the Government, which is becoming
seriously embarrassed by the increase
of Floating Debt-now CAS-, 200, 900
sterling-is willing to consent to a
5-franc duty on com. The peasants
are anxious for this, alleging that corr
from abroad now reduces the price OF
their own below the cost of production.
OF course, such an impost will be bit.
terly felt i'll cities like Lyons, where
a cessation of manufacture, princi-
paIly due to protective duties on raw
material, has created grave distress,
amounting in some divisions Of the
city to want of food. Under such
circumstances, the Government can
only reinforce its Asiatic ornaments
with driblets of men, without des.
patching regiments or divisions whose
departure would draw attention.
NJ. Joubert has resigned his posi-
ton in the Executive of the Trans
vaal Rupublic, in a letter declaring
that he will not consent TO hold it
since the Government of Pretoria
has formally broken its engagements
with England, and the Volksrnad has,
by its votes, made itself the accom-
plice of the crime. His action has
probably helped TO induce the Beers
to withdraw the proclamation annex
ing Montsioa's territory, "extending
protection to that chief, as it is
euphemistically termed, while the
new activity in England has reused
the Cape Government TO. action, It