News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-09-04

WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER.
A Disguise CuuRLt NappinG-Whnt he
"Onld Sny-New Use for Bnbies-A
Fever-Increase of Values, Etc., etc.

you like to join the Sunday school ?"
"No'm. Ny fadder won't let me-. !"
"Oh, guess your father will let you
He will probably be very glad to hav
his little boy taught not to swear, ant
to grow up to be a good man."
"No he wouldn't" the boy said, con
fidently.
"What business is your father in ?"
"He's cap'un of canal boat, an Tn
ter drive de mules soon's get bie
enough"
| POOR JOHN.
The late Mr.. Wickham, in his day
among the foremost of the Richmond
bar, was not averse to saying a witty
thing when occasion offered. One day
Mr.. Wickham was in consultation with
some friends, when Mr.. John B,
who was much addicted to bibulous
pursuits, walked by, and saluted Mr..
Wickham very hilariously.
"Good-morning, John, was Mr.. W. s
courteous reply to the salutation.
"John who ?" asked one of MIR. W. S
friends.
"Demijohn" was the immediate reply.
A MODEST REQUEST.
She looked just bit anxious as she
appeared on the wharf at the foot of
Woodward avenue yesterday and asked:
"Anybody jumped in here to-day ?"
mo, ma'am."
"Will you please do me favor?"
"Yes'm."
"My husband has threatened to drown
himself, and 1 don't want him to. l
can't stay here and watch because I'm
going on an excursion. In case he
comes won't you please discourage him
He is very easy discouraged, and can
go on my trip and feel like enjoying
myself"
The man promised, and she went
away in the best of spirits. ts.-Detroit
Free Press.
COMPLETE DISGUISE.
Jones, before starting for the country
for a Sundays shooting, wrapped his
new gun up into the smallest possible
compass.
'I wouldn't have anyone know I had
gun with me for anything" he re-
marked.
"Why, my dear?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"The parson has moved over on this
street and You know haven't been to
church for six weeks"
"Well, he would never guess you have
a gun. 1t looks more like a fishing
rod. - Graphite.
RATHER SEVERE ON A BASE BALL MUFFER.
One of the muffers of the Cincinnati
Club was attracting great attention in
the hotel dining-room by ordering
around the servants. Just as the head
waiter walked up he suddenly raped on
his glass with vigor and four tined
fork.
waiter" ne cried, "there is a fly in
my cabbage"
"That's all right" said the head
waiter, "don't mind it. There is no
danger of your catching it."
The remainder of the meal was fin
ished in silence.
A CONTAGIOUS FEVER.
"An' where are ye bound for, Mrs.
O'Raherty, in such a great hurry ?''
"Sure, Mrs. O'Flaherty, an I'm on
me way down to the wildly O'Cairn's to
console wild her. She an the children
are most starvin', they are, for Jenny,
their only support, has the fever an
can't work any more"
can phwat koind of faver is it he
has ?'
''It's the base ball faver, I behave, it
is they calls it. "-Kent1cky Journal.
CAUGHT MAPPING.
Mrs. Temperance-"Th weather is
80 warm I thought little lemonade
would be refreshing. Won't you have
some, Mr.. Idler -
Mr.. Idler-"Thanks, no. I must
confess do not care for plain lemon
ade. I don't think it agrees with me. "
"Won't you please tell me how you
like it and let me mix you sone?"
"Weu, the fact is, I only like it with
stick in it.
ga stick ?"
"Yes; but pray do not trouble your
SELF"
"Oh, no trouble at all, assure you.
Jane, bring me the nucilage. ."-PhilG.
Call.
WHAT he WOULD SAY.
A married couple were out promenad-
ing in the suburbs of Austin one day.
Presently the wife said:
"Think, Albert, if the brigands
should come now, and take me from
you p
Impossible, my dear"
"But, supposing they did come and
carry me away, what would you say p
81 should say" replied the husband,
'that the brigands were new at the bus
mess, that's all. ."-Teras Siftings.
INCREASE OF VALUES.
Irate Farmer-"See here, sir. If you
are going to run a railroad through my
farm want $40, 900 damages.
Superintendent - "Forty thousand
dollars ! Great Caesar, man You only
paid 81, 600 for the whole property three
months ago p
Irate Farmer-"Yes, but a railroad
through it makes il, ten times more valu-
able. philadelphia call.
NEW USE FOR BABIES.
"They say if you put baby in the
water it will not sink" said William to
his wife Susan the other day. ''Don't
you want to go down to the lake this
afternoon ?"
"But, my dear, you've always, OBJ
jected to our going on the water, purely
on baby's account. for you've said the
trip was dangerous, and that there were
no ife-preservers on the boat"
"But don't you see that all the diff
Guilty is obviated ?"
''No, I can't say that do"
"Why, the baby can't sink"
'Well, suppose there is some acci-
dent. What is to become of us?"
"Well hang on to the baby" DE
trott Free Press.