Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1884-10-30
Health and Exercise.

Health and Exercise.
A Western paper prints an article
with the above title, in which il saws
with crest emphasis that luxury is q
prolific breeder of physical Ills Having
read the article with interest, got to
thinking on the subject, and concluded
that the theory could be proved sound
one by some of my experiences.
When was comparatively poor, and
struggling to exist on six thousand dol
lars year, WAS rs healthy as the
conventional farmer, because / had
constant exercise and mental worry to
keep me in good condition. but as
soon as was welded to wealth, it was
different. I Immediately invested in
the luxury of a sealskin cap.
What was the result of this luxury ?
Why, before the winter was over all
my hair fell out. When ] was living
on wind and obliged to paint my straw
hat black in winter l had hair like an
Indian
At that time / simply wore ready
made shoes, and had all the exercise I
required. But when / got wealthy.
the doctor said my high living WAS
making me too stout, and that must
keep my weight down. He suggested
the luxury of a horse.
Tt took me about five minutes to get
on the horses back and three seconds
to get off.
When 1 crawled out of the fragrant
labyrinth of blackbarry-vines in the
next lot, and dragged myself across
the ox-eyed daisies and under the
fence. l was so mutilated and such a
picturesque series of abraslons that the
dog didn't recognize me at first, but
was going to finish up the work COM
menced SO successfully by the horse.
The doctor told me my digestion was
SO bad that / must confine myself to
shell-fish as much as possible. There
fore. every day at noon I ate fried oys-
tiers. which [ have always regarded as
great luxury.
What was the result of this enviable
luxury 1t was that when | got up to
sell out plumbing establishment at
auction, [ couldn't talk loud enough to
be heard ten feet away. had to get a
substitute.
When | went to the elocutionist to
take my regular lesson, he said / could
auction no more. He was greatly sur
prised that / was not aware of the fact
that many opera singers have had their
voices ruined by fried oysters, and
thought had lived in the backwoods
all my life when l said I lad never
heard even of the theory.
Then | made up my mini that l
would aim high and be ambitious. So
went to Niagara Falls and became a
hackman. and retired a rich man in
two weeks.
Therefore, I firmly believe that lux
ury is productive of physical ills, and
that physical ills may be caused to de-
part when the luxuries are Topped OF
and dispensed with.
When this theory is put into practice
If it ever is-we may expect to see
such items as these in the papers of the
future:
Mr.. Mugg's little boy Tommy was
taken with scarlatina last week. On
Wednesday the doctor SAID he was be-
yond the aid of medicine, and must
stop before morning. Mr.. Mugg i'm
mediately gave his thousand-dollar
Turkish rug to a tramp and burned up
six valuable oil-paintings. In two days
the boy was perfectly well, and sailing
up and down ditch on a log.
Charley Fitch, the variety actor, re-
tuTutu W LIS pdifttistl IcslucACcU A JSdu
street ON Monday evening. after a
three months ABSENCE His Siberian
bloodhound did not recognize him in
the dark, and lost no time in taking his
master by the throat. Long and fierce
was the struggle, and the actor was al
most exhausted, when by Herculean
effort he managed to unscrew his opu-
lent diamond studs and remove his
massiv,. gold watch and chain aud
th.ow them over in the next lot. Then
the dog let go and became afiectionate.
On the following day he destroyed a lot
of cut-glass and number of plaques,
and his throat was entirely healed be-
fore morning.
If your girl hints at ice cream, cara
mels, oyster suppers, or the opera tell
her that luxury is productive of physi-
cal ills, and you would gladly lavish
these things on her if you didn't think
so much of her; that it made you sick
to fancy her becoming deaf, near-sight-
ed, dvspeptic or cub footed through
your extravaganza. Then. if you get
engaged to her, give her a cheap gar
net ring, for fear luxurious diamond
might give her sciatica. And after
marriage keep down your expenses on
the same plan.-R. Il. Muaakitrtck, in
Pack.