New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-12-17
WtT AND HUDIOR.


tledove, and when he is 40 he thinks
her a swapping turtledoye.
An old lady, whose grandson was
about to proceed to the Black Sea,
among other parting admonitions gave
him strict injunctions not to battle in
that sea, for she did not want him to
come back a darkey.
After her grandmother had given her
a good scolding, a little mischief was
overhead to say to herself: Somebody
is cross in this room; faint mo, and
faint dolly, and faint kitty. won
der who it is Harper's Bag0r.
ION what grounds do you leave me
without the customary weeks notice?'
Indignantly asked Thirteenth Ward
clearinghouse mistress of leaving
boartler. '1Coffee grounds, madam,
coffee grounds he tartly replied.
When a woman becomes so absent
minded as to forget to hold her hand
50 that the light will fall on her dia-
mond ring, it is safest for her husband
to give her wide berth. She is doing
some dangerous thinking.-FaN River
AGvGnce.
The cause of civilization advances.
Some of the railway waiting-room
doors in Massachusetts, are now marked
respectively ..Men'' and ..Women, " in
stead Of s.Gentlemen" and Ladies'
Probably no self-respecting sign painter
ever sank to painting '.Gents' on a sta
ton door.-BMfalo Courier.
A Southern journalist says: eff the
Americans don't hurry up, Germans
and Englishmen will bar the way to
Mexico'' Can't say as to the English,
but you can gamble on it that if the
Germans get the least bit of encourage
ment they will bar the way to Mexico
and have their little barrel of beer on
tap under the bar, too.
Heine tells in his correspondence of
resident of Frankfort who used to in
terlard his conversation with frequent
ordinations of, s.Tm jew, and I'm
proud of it, ''Why are you proud of
it?' finally asked some one. ''Because
if wasn't proud of it I should be a
Jew all the same; consequently it is to
my advantage to be proud OF it. -
A young man once went to Vicks-
burg, Miss, and announced that he was
going to publish ..lively, spicy paper,
devoted to local AFFAIRS Next day
several one-armed, one-legged, and
one-eyed gentlemen called on him and
advised him not to do it, because they
had tried it and it didn't seem to suit
the people of those parts Some peo-
pie have no idea of true humor.-Bal-
tinaore american.
First bridesmaid-''You never tell?"
Second bridesmaid "Of course not, 1
never do, you know First brides
maid-..Well, she told me in strict con-
fidence, understand, that though Jack
was poor they were going to travel all
Summer and stop at the best hotels,
and that they got the money by selling
their duplicate wedding presents. I
wonder whether my spoons are paying
part of the expenses.
II see you advertise goods to be sold
for mere song" said he, as he step
ped into a furniture store on Washing
ton street. ayes, sir,'' answered the
gentlemanly proprietor. swell, now,
let me see; I like that red plush sofa
there, and will sing you when the
Robins Nest Again for it." At last ac-
counts he was able to sit up in bed, and
if he continues toimprove he will prob
ably be out in a week.-Bostom Post.
A schoolmaster in Iowa called his
prettiest pupil to his desk and asked
her if she would marry him. She re-
piled promptly that she would not IF
you were the last man on earth, and I
was 30 instead of 49," she added, II
wouldn't take you.'' Resuming his
character of pedagogue, he decided
that her language was disrespectful,
and feruled the hand which he could
not get matrimonially. The girl now
sues him for damages.
A countryman in search of head
stone for his mothers grave pitched
upon one the stonecutters had prepared
for another person. II like this One."
he said. ''But," said the other, ''that
belongs to another man, and has Mrs.
Perry's name cut upon it; it wouldn'
do for your mother ''Oh, yes it
would" said the countryman. '.She
couldn't read. And, BESIDES" he con-
tinued, ''Perry was always a favorite
name Of hers. "-Bostoas Journal.
George had proposed and been ac-
cepted. ..Well," she said, II can sing
and play on the piano and harp, can
paint, and at seminary was up in the
fine arts and political economy and
logic, and I can crochet beautifully,
and play lawn tennis, and, and-that's
about all, I think. Now tell me what
are some of your accomplishments,
George?'' II haven't got any .:Not
a sing lie one?'' ..Well,'' he said, with
a sigh, .sif the worst should come to
the worst, think I might be able to
cook. boston Journal.
Il shall never call on Mrs. Smith
again. said Mrs. Jones. II never
want to see her any more.'' ''You wo-
men are very foolish to quarrel over
trifles," said Mr.. Jones. '.Mrs. Smith
is very pleasant person, little talk
alive, perhaps, but on the whole very
estimable woman. You shouldn't ct
tach any Importance to what she says.
What was the trouble?'' t'She said
you weren't very prompt in paying
your debts.'' ''Well, by thunder!6
shouted Jones, jumping to his feet, II
would give 1925 if she were man for
Just ten minutes. ''-Nesv York Star.
The manager of one of our best
known burlesque theaters was much
surprised to see one of his chorus girls
driving pair of housekeeping ponies
through the park. On meeting her at
the theater in the evening, he casually
remarked: CHOSE were very fine pom
les I saw you driving to-day, Miss Blue
Blood" ..Wern't they, just?" replied
the lady, .'and didn't they cost trifeP
Besides, I've just gone into and fur
nished new house, and that re-
minds me that can't do that sort of
thing on my present salary of a pound
a week. Can't you make it Is shil-
lings?"- Whitehall Revieav.
s'Look heah, Ransom said an old
negro to a young fellow, 81 doan' min