Huntsville gazette., 1884-10-18
PASSING SMILES.

UlOSG cackuDR, anu tne fewer IDEAS
man has the more noise he makes.
A New postoffice in the South is
called Langtry. 1t is hoped that it will
not be true to its name, and cause the
mails to go astray.
Farmers clubs are suggested as
very good things for protecuon against
patent gate and lightnipgrod swindlers.
They should be about five feet long and
made of stout hickory.
-"Did you dust the furniture this
morning, Mary?" asked the mistress.
No, ma am" replied Mary; cit didn't
Iced it; it had all the dust on it that it
could easily hold"
There is complaint in New York
that policemen frequent saloons too con-
stantly. The remedy is very simple.
Fire off a pistol and yell murder!
There won't be policeman within eight
blocks Of the place for days.
Did you ever notice the warning,
"Paint," posted on door, that you
didn't test the matter with your finger
to see if it wasn't dry enough TO take
down the sign? You probabl. never
did. 1t would be contrary to human
| nature.
The Philadelphia Neaos reports that
q Philadelphia oon-keeper is so con-
science-stricke over the number of lies
told by his customers when they go home
that, in order to enable them TO tell the
truth, he has named his place "The
Lodge
The man has not yet been discovered
who can take off his pantaloons at night
without tumbling everything out of his
pockets Yet woman will go through
those same pantalOons in the morning 80
noiselessly that even the mice know
nothing about it.
-'I don't want no rubbish, no fine
sentiments, if you please, said the wild
ow when she was asked what kind Of an
epitaph she desired for her late hus-
bands tombstone. "Let it be short and
simple-something like this: William
johnson, aged IS years. The good die
young"
-"My son graduated with honors,
proudly said Gu Arkansaw gentleman.
"He took the gold medal and the pro-
fessors all declared that he would make
his mark" "What is he doing now p
asked an acquaintance. "He's in the
penitentiary at present, but, sir, he grad
uated with honors."
-"Hsve. you ever tried the faith
cure?' asked long.haired, sallow faced
stranger, addressing a gentleman who
sat behind him In a railroad car. 81
have,' was the answe "Do you believe
in lt?' Il do "M4y I ask then of
what you was cured?" Certainly.
was cured Of my faith
-''My son." said ali Arkansaw colonel
to the ref rmed school. 'in life always
make it a point not to fight" "Sup-
pose n man calls NE a id liar, what
must / do?' Find ont whether he has
told the truth or not. If he has, ack nowl.
edge the accusation, aud if lie has not,
move to another neig ghborhOOd."
A vigilant sentinel is posted at the
door Of a picture gallery with strict or
ders Of the customary character A
sight seer harpens along and i promptly
halted. ''iIere, sir, you must leave
your cane at the door" ',But. my
friend. haven't got anv cane" "Then
go back and get one. Nd one is allowed
to pass in here uni. $, he leaves his cane
ut the door. Orders is orders"
A new rival brass hand WIS hired to
play at the funeral of Connecticut dea
con. They were playing slow and sol
emn dirge at the grave, when sud 7enly
the from bone man shot out b asst that
startled the hearse horoes and broke up
the entire procession. The leader turn
ing upon him asked him what he was do
ing that for. He answered with smile:
"Gosh, / thought it was note, and il
was hossfy; but l played it."
Judge" said prisoner. 81 am
surprised that you sentence me to the
penitentiary for the term of two years
thought you were a good friend of
mine" 81 am friend Of YOURS" the
Judge replied. Il have considered all
the points Of friendship, end also the
fact that I owe you two dollars. Now,
.ir if | were not friend of yours and if
I did not owe you the two dollars,
would send you up for four years"