New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-04-02
NEW uLM REVIEW, "WEDNESDAY, APRL2 ?, 1884,
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Mother-Now, Nellie, tell me who
this gentleman is. Nellie That amt
no gentleman-that's pa.
A Pennsylvania justice has married
2.SN couple. and the conscience strick-
On wretch now declines reelection to
Office.
A Frenchman is teaching . donkey
to talk. What we want in this cOun-
try ID . man who will teach donkey
not to talk.
Says an experienced bachelor: The
best thing to take when you 60 to kiss
: pretty gh|Etake -. time ne The = $, moro
The happy father Of twins recently
sent the following message to brother
in the West: Immense ioy-we got
twin babies to-day more hereafter. -
Clara Morris has recovered from her
nervous prostration. She talked q
straight two columns (solid minion) to
q Detroit Times reporter, and now he
is nervously prostrated.
What with Mr.. Barnum, Mr.. Fore
paugh and the two white elephants, the
current year presents most gloomy
outlook for the adjective department Of
Webster's Unabridged.
Said . conscientious auctioneer:
Ladies' and gentlemen. there is no
sham about the carpets. They are gen.
uine tapestry carpets. bought them
Of old Tapestry himself
'.Music,'' said DR.. johnson, sis the
least disagreeable of all noises" The
learned Doctor did not know every.
thing. He never lived next door to q
cornet amateur or piano-banging
young lady.
Perhaps no man was ever more dis.
turbed BY trifle than the reporter
who, concerning the appearance of the
belle Of town at picnic, intended to
say ':she looked au fait," and found
the types had it ':she looked all feet. y
At church sociable at Goshen, NO.,
Miss DeLand has been voted the pref.
test woman in the place and Miss Day
the next handsomest. The proceedings
might have been concluded by singing
the hymns, there's De Land that Is
fairer than Day. dorchester Post-E1.
press.
The papers are telling of q lawye,
who heard Macbeth" rehearsed. and
was struck by the answer Of the witches
when asked what they were doing: "A
deed without q name.' why, that's
void" exclaimed the lawyer, .:rll
bust deed without q name In any
court in Christendom."
"supe. supe," yelled the gallery
gods, as a supernumerary appeared
between the acts and began jerking up
the carpet. The super, an unusually
bright specimen, quickly replied;
.'Wel, you do look hungry. Guess the
soup societies must be shut up." The
calls suddenly subsidized. -Philadelphia
Call.
''This pail / bought of you last week, 81
said customer to Deacon Gilpin
':leaked like sin the first time put
water into it." ''You amt been put.
ting water in that pail, have you?''
"Why, yes" THAT'S what's the mat.
ter. If you'd kept flour in that pail
you wouldn't had any trouble. Mar.
athon Independent
A writer on the subject of whales
says: ''As has already been pointed
out, there are many points in the struc.
tural organization of the cetacean Wis.
cera far more like those of the ungulates
than the carnivores." Why would not
this be a good subject for our Winter
debating societiesp-.New York Com.
naerciaI Advertiser.
We often see in an illustrated journal
splotch of black and white called "A
Study" It is thus called because it re.
quires several days study to determine
whether the top or the bottom of the
cut has got uppermost, and the conclu.
sion generally reached is that the arts,
was wrestling with the delirium tire.
mems when he drew the thing.-Norris.
tom Herald.
A funny young man asked his love
the other day: "What's the difference
between mo and female sheep?" asI
when his love gave it up. the funny
young man said: "Why, just the same
difference as there is between eve and
me" Unfortunately, his love didn't
see the joke. and now the funny man is
ventilating his ewemor othcrwhere. =
HARVARD LGmp0ou
Give me q telephone Cigar" said
Hon, Thomas Warner, yesterday, az
he stepped up to the stand at Pat
Murphy's. ''What kind of cigar is
that?" inquired the unsuspicious Pat.
''One of the kind that you smoke in
New York, and they can smell in
Brooklyn was the answer. Hon.
Thomas was carried out of New stree,
in an ambulance. Wall Street News.
A tramp rang the bell of an uptown
fiat and the Irish servant responded
through the speaking-tube: ''Who is it,
and phwat d'yees wantP" will yel
pleeze give . poor fellar q drink Of
coffeep" called back the tramp pathot.
ically. ''Put your mouth to the thrum-
pet" responded Bridget. land III
pour ye down drink. The tramr
did not reply, but departed in disgust,
-NetO York Tribune.
There is tradition of q Cunard cap
tain of years ago who, in his off-days
prided himself on his curt replies tx
inquiries. A lady on his ship asked
him civil question one day, when b.
was especially cross. Don't troabl.
me, ma'am, :" was the response, .tgi
ask the cook perhaps he'n tell you.
EXCUSE me, she said, Instantly, -
supposed You were the cook when + a6