News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-01-31
TERMS $3.50.
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER.
He struck OLA Few Texas Siftings-The
Dog Taxa Divorce Wanted-In the
Lime-kiIn Club-What They Found, ETC.
GOT THEM CHEAP.

Mrs. Finks-"Yes, bigger than I in
tended. You see I went to a tobacco
store to get box of cigars for my hus-
band as a present. could not think OF
anything else, and I made the strangest
discovery. My husband always pays So
and $40 box for cigars, and just by
good luck I found out how he is being
swindled. The dealer I went to said he
had cigars at $50 hundred, and it
was such a bargain that I Immediately
| took six boxes"
ANOTHER NAME FOR THEM.
Two young ladies, one resident of
Philadelphia and the other of Chicago,
were walking on Michigan avenue when
the Philadelphia girl remarked:
'It strikes me as quite remarkable
that so many of the houses in this city
have bay windows attached to them"
eyes" responded the Chicago miss;
'we find them very convenient, but we
do not call them bay windows"
"No? What do you call them ?"
"Foot receptacles. "-PhiJadelEhia
Gail.
FRAUDS UNEARTHED.
He (reading)-"The State of Florida
is fully one-third water and"
She-"Mercy me Is that true? Full
" one-third water? Oh, what frauds
there are in this world p
He-"What are you referring to,
dear?"
She-"Well, principally to the drug
trade. 1t is shame the profits they
make"
He-'sWhat connection have the drug
gists with the fact that the State OF
Florida is fully one-third water ?"
She-"Why, they charge fifty cents a
bottle for it p
WHY HE WASN'T THERE NOW.
Kosciusko Murphy, who is book
keeper in a grocery house, met friend
who clerks in a cigar store on Austin
avenue, and asked him for cigar.
"Ain't got any," said his friend.
"Ain't got any? said Kosciusko.
"Why, when I used to work in cigar
store, I always had my pockets stuffed
with cigars.
Eyes; probably that's the reason you
amt in a cigar store now," was the
crushing reply. TEXAS Sitings.
WHAT THEY FOUND.
Chicago Belle-''Did you get any
presents ?'
Philadelphia BelIe-"Oh, yes; my
stocking was full. Brother Jack tried
to play a joke on me by putting a mouse
in the foot, but there was not room
enough for the poor sthin there,
and it smothered. Did you find you1
stocking well flled?"
Chicago Belief should say so.
There was a set of dishes, a box OF
jewelry and a sealskin sacque in mine,
but what do you think my brother did ?
He put an English pug dog in the foot. -
Philadelphia Belle-''Mercy Didn't
| it smother? ?"
Chicago Belle-"Oh, dear, no. I
didn't discover it until it began to snap
and bark when was putting the stock
ing on -PhiladeLphia EUening CAL.
A DREAM THAT WAS DIsPELLED.
"Going to blow out the gas and fling
the kerosene lamp out of the window, -
said an enthusiastic citizen few days
ago. "What's that for ?'' said his neigh
Dor. "Well, sir, we've got the electric
light" was the reply. ''We amt got
the concern in our house exactly" con-
tinued he, "but they've stuck up one of
them posts of theirs in the alley-way,
and l reckon if we can't get light enough
out of the light they are going to putt
on it we'll go dark. I've concluded to
buy students lamp for the parlor, but
the top of that pole has got clean
sweep through the sitting-room, and
light enough, L tell my wife. - They
labored with the man for full five min
utes. They explained to him that the
pole was for wires, and that nobody in
Lewiston had any intention of lighting
up back alley. The light of reason il
Illuminated him. "Hit me with a club, !"
says he, all at once. $50 out and buy
IA base ball bat if you amt got club
handy, but for heavens sake don't tell
nv wife" He meant it. He went out
in shadowy state of mind.-Lea0iSton
Journal.
STRUCK OIL.
It was a Woodward avenue car. A
lady richly dressed sat in a corner of the
car and said to some one with her:
81 smell kerosene oil"
$50 do l." answered her friend.
One after another got into the car, and
the lady in the corner shifted suspicious
ly, and at last fixed her eyes upon quiet
looking little man near the door.
ST believe he's got the oil, she said
in stage whisper to herfriend.
ST know it." replied the friend
''There ought to be a law against carry
ing kerosene oil in the street cars. Sucl
an odor p and she glared at the LITTLE
man.
81 shall inform the superintendent,
said the first lady, aloud.
81 shall inform the president of tn,
road, said her friend, with fixed an,
CLASSY stare.
'Ladies," said the little man, cheer
fully, "hadn't YOU better move! Th
kerosene from that lamp in the corne
of the car has been dripping down o.
ye ever since we started, but SEEM y
both know so much thought 1 wouldn'
say anything. ."-DetrOit Free Press.
CLEAR WASTE.
'You don't call on Miss G. now?"
'No, we've quit"