Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-09-12
Marry Me, Darlint, Tonight.

When they bring me corpse home,-nOt to mentor
The fact we can live don't ye see?)
All the rest of our lives on me pinsion!
FUN
NICK, BUT NO TICK.-"No, SIR" said
the barber to a suspicious looking custo-
mer, who affably remarked, as the lather
was being laid on. that he supposed
there was good many men who failed to
pay their shaving scores. mo, sir;
used to give credit. but never do now
in fact nobody ever asks for tick any
more. "How's that ?' swell, you see, p
said the barber, trying the edge of his "a.
zor on his thumb nail, II had set of
stigs who used to ask me to chalk it down.
got tired of keeping books, and 1 adopt.
ed new system. Whenever 1 shaved one
of these old standDys put little nick in
his nose with my razor, and kept tally
that way. They got so they didn't want
to run bills" There was tremor in the
customers voice as he asked from beneath
the lather do you object to being paid
in advance ?''
A gentleman recently met an Old &C
quaintance and remarked
''Ah Jones, I am sorry to see you with
that limp; hurt your foot ?'
sNo.'
''Bunion ?"
mo-"
'Ingrowing toe nail p
NO.
"Well, what is the matter with it ?"
"There's nothing the matter with it.
Pm booked for picnic to-day, and SUP
pose they've an idea they'll use me for a
mule to pack wood and carry water and
put up swings, like they did last year, but
they'll get left. Pm lame. Cut my foot
half off, had railway train run over it..
Got it caught under trip hammer. Pm
going to sit in the shade and have 'em
bring me Strawberries and cream.
THREE ABsENT-MINDED STORIES
The Davenport Neaos says Samuel Mitch
ell hunted for one of his COWS for several
hours in drenching rain, bat suddenly
recollected that three weeks ago he had
sold her.
Farmer Mitchell was s'away off, with
out doubt, yet he was hardly as bad as a
Marlbough man, who, on going home the
other night, put his wet umbrella in bed
and then went and stood all night in the
hall rack.
LOT NhCr
morist, who, IN fit of Observation-Disclosures
knocked at his own door one day and
asked for ''Mr. Lamb" Not being rec
Ognized, and on being told that Mr.. Lamb
was out, he said, swell, I'll call again. y
81 would like to ask you to take some
ice cream, DEAR" he said looking hesita-
tingly in the windows of a saloon, s'but
after that disastrous affair in Brooklyn a
few days ago 1 am afraid to-" and he
made an attempt to forge ahead.
What affair was that, George?" she
asked, holding him with both hands.
why, over one hundred and fifty peo-
pie were poisoned from single freezer"
ut must have been terrible. Still
George, dear, there is possibility of our
escaping with our lives, and if we do die, -
here the heroic girl gave him a look of
love unutterable-''w will die together -
WELL QUALIFIED FOR THE BUSINESS.
$50 you would like to become a black
smith, would your he said to little bare
foot boy, as be stopped blowing the bel
lows for moment.
''Yes, sir" the boy replied, 81 would
like to learn the trade.''
Are you strong and healthy?"
Yes, SIR"
land quick? 1 wouldn't have boy
around who wasn't qulck.'
Here the boy stepped his bare foot on a
hot horseshoe, and the blacksmith re-
m trked
"Well, guess I'll give you a trial.
\ GU seem to be one Of the quicket little
boys ever saw"
They were strolling il the green fields
AMI he was telling her Of his love.
Just as he was on the point of asking
her to marry him, a COW, which was con-
cealed by a bush few feet away, mooed
long and loud.
Did the girl faint away. or run away,
or scream? No. She gave one little i'm
perceptlble start and simply remarked:
go away, cow. AS you were saying
George
One night woman was trying hard to
hor Ir,,o h1c hap i i,
pulled him along the street her words and
actions were so tender that bystander
said, well, all drunkards' wives haven't
your disposition "S-h-hl don't say
anything she replied in whisper, "Ive
got to call him pet names to get him home;
but wait till he drops in the front passage
be there then!''
An enterprising Vermont man has his
house and store connected by telephone
The other day, during a storm, the light
ming entered the store by the wire while
the proprietor was talking to his wife
about when he would be home to dinner.
AS he recovered his consciousness the
first words he spoke were: ssAIl right.
Maria, don't hit me again. I'll do Just as
you say"
Mamma, what is a MANI" asked a lit
tie six year old of her mother, the other
day.
so, man is great big gawk of a
thing that has to be supported by wo.
man,
"What am a woman, papa?" she aske
"Why, darling, a woman is a-a--why
a woman is "a woman y he added, as his
wife listaned attentivelv cIntchinn a fat