News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-10-23
THE DETECTIVE NOT GUILTY.

"What is your occupationT Z
'I am detective"
"The prisoner is discharged"
"But, your Honor" interrupted the
officer, che was seen to pick it up"
"That makes no difference. He Is O
detective, and it is utterly impossible for
him to find anything"
AN 10Y JOKE.
The paragrapher was Illuminating in his
sanctum when the iceman entered.
"Why is it that you are always max.
ing jokes about our business ?" asked
the iceman.
"Oh, because 1t seems to be UNDER
stood that you charge excessive prices.
But. really, there's no malice in our
writing"
"I'm aware Of that" said the iceman,
"and I'm sure I don't mind it; in fact,
I'm rather fond of jokes, and, by the
way, I've got good joke for you to-
day."
"Indeed," said the paragrapher as he
prepared to sharpen his pencil, "what
is il ?"
"It is" said the iceman, with grim
smile, as he ls;i6a pa rSton ',ss.u,zE'
grapher's desEy = tiie = 90 ..nsnue
summers ice. ."--Son1erviUe Jol7ndl.
NOT AS BAD AS FIGHTING.
A veteran of the war was relating his
experience as soldier.
"Were you ever taken prisoner
ST guess was. was prisoner OF
war for eight months, and slept on the
ground in the open air all the time.
Some days I would get something to
eat and some days wouldn't. I nearly
starved to DEATH"
''It must have been terrible expe-
rience."
"It was, indeed, frightful expe-
rience, but I tell you, gentlemen" and
here he lowered his voice and spoke
very earnestly, 'it wasn't near as bad as
fighting"
TOO GOOD A REPORT.
Insurance Agent-''It's all right. The
doctor says you are the best risk he ever
examined"
Citizen-"The best risk p
Eyes: soundest constitution and per-
feet health, you know"
''Did he say that ?"
"Yes, indeed. No trouble about your
case. He said there was nothing to
prevent you from living a hundred
years."
"You don't mean it?'
"Honest truth. Come right around
to my Office and I'll fix up the papers
at once"
"No, thank you; it won't pay. I'm
too healthy. ."-EUe.. Call.
WHY HER FATHER WAS FLORIST.
During the organization of the schools
recently, in certain town, the children
were interrogated as to the occupation
of their fathers. The question reaching
bright little six-year-old girl, she re-
sponded that her father was florist.
"A forist?" asked the teacher.
'Where is his greenhouse ?"
"His greenhouse He hasn't any
greenhouse, ma'am."
"Why, then, do you call him
florist ?'
"Oh, he makes floors for Thompson
& Taylor. ."-BoStoa Transcript.
FATE THE INvINCLBBE.
In the midst of the engagement, when
the air was Iurid with screaming shot
and bursting shell, the Admiral on board
the American flagship Invincible heard
q crash on the port bow, and felt at the
same time light shock. He called the
Quartermaster:
"Was that the British ram that struck
us?"
The Quartermaster saluted.
"No, SIR" said he, sit was Jersey
clam-boat."
"All hands abandon ship" ordered
the Admiral, with the calmness of de-
spair, for he knew that all was lost. In
twenty minutes the Invincible lay safely
at the bottom of the sea, where the
clam boat troubleth no more.
THE SEASONS.
When the summer is departing and the year is
growing old,
When the forests are assuming richest hues OF
red and gold,
When a softer deeper azure tints the cloud
less MONDAY skies
And the sunset gives US glimpses Of the walls
of Paradise; .-
When the song-birds have departed to region
less austere p,
And their melody, mellifuous, greets no more
the longing ear;
When the wild-gcose flying southwark of ap-
preaching winter warns,
And the earth's ripe fruitage, garnered, safely
lies in sheltered barns;
When the nights are growing chilly and more
welcome is the sun
1t is then the thrifty coalman adds dollar to
the ton.
NOT A RELIABLE POLICY.
'Don't you think" she inquired OF
the clerk, ''that these shoes are rather
large?'
ooh, no, miss, he returned, "not for
you"
After she founced out of the store and
the proprietor had finished talking to
him, it would have been impossible to
convince him that honesty is the best
policy Graphic.
NEW YORK MILLIONAIRE.
"Are the girls locked up for the night,
wIe?"
"Yes."
"Coachman chained ?"
eyes"
"Has the patent butcher catcher in
the front yard been oiled so that it
works well p
Eyes"
"Well, we might as well chloroform
the gardener and go to sleep. "-ChicGgo
Tribune.
THE WEATHER.
A Western poet has produced an ode
to the weather of 'S4, to be sung by a
grandfather in 1850:
ALI yes, my child, twas "a
The year 1 well remembers;
| l froze my nose in full July,
| And burnt it in September.