The Kimball graphic. (Kimball, Brule County, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-1905, 1884-10-24

@Ny @AS "a OAiSAIdk uLA HudEHl.
teed. You get them at the wholesale
rates. With each clericomotor I also
throw in twenty assorted hymns, an
nouncements and remarks suitable to all
occasions, together with two bottles Of
my celebrated electrical lubricator and
a monkey-wrench. My schedule rate
is $500; but, as You gentlemen are the
first purchasers, I will make it $3.50
net"
The deacons were almost overcome
By this rapid way of doing business.
Hold on" cried Deacon Simpson,
How about christenings?"
Weddings irst," dryly remarked
Deacon Simpson.
"An' pastoral calls?" added Deacon
Grubb.
"AN arranged, gentlemen" cried the
genial Rogers. pilates for everything
just think of it-no chickering's over the
parsons visits; no devastating donation
parties; no soul-destroying slippers te
distract your daughters mind; no sal.
airy falling due every qnarter! The
~clericomotor is never troubled with
clergyman's sore throat, and needs nc
vacations. In short, the only expense
he will entail upon you will be for a
small boy to turn the crank"
Deacon Simpsons face frightened
up. "That won't cost 1 reckon,
he said. "My boy Hezekiah will be
just the one for that"
Deacons Simpson and Grubb looked
at each other with a dubious expression,
for Hez Simpson was generally son.
sidered the worst boy in B~yesville.
Understand, gentlemen" said the
inventor, gravely, "this whole matter
is to be kept a profound secret. I ask
nothing until the clericomotor has
publicly proved its usefulness. To-
day is Friday, If you have no obiec-
tions, We will try it next Sunday"
The deacons nodded assent.
I'm the meantime, / must again urge
upon you the necessity Of the strictest
secrecy"
1t had been whispered about Byes-
vile that the committee on selection
had a new candidate to present to the
congregation. Consequently, the
church was filled to its utmost capacity
at an unusually early hour. Notwith.
standing this fast, the first ome were
surprised to find the clerical strange,
there before them. As the church i'll
led up, many comments were whispered
over this unusual proceeding, but they
were supplemented by numerous com.
plimentary illusions to his distinguished
appearance.
The service opened with the doxology
ssung by the congregation-and pro-
ceeded in the customary manner. The
congregation was charmed with the
newcomer. His gestures were grace
full, though exceedingly numerous, and
his voice was full and deep. So finely
developed were these admirable quail.
ties that when he made the announce.
ment that the usual collection would be
taken up, it was noted that he impaired
to it a sympathetic flavor that it never
before seemed to possess.
1t was, however, in the rmo that
he achieved his browning triumph.
Never before in the history of the Byes-
vile Orthodox Church had snch on
eloquent effort been heard. Replete
with graceful imagery and profound
thought, it held their undivided atten-
ton from the opening sentences. And,
most remarkable of all, it was delivered
extemporaneouslyi
The faces of Deacons Simpson.
Simpson and Grubb wore looks Of the
proudest satisfaction, and they ex-
changed smiles of congratulation across
the church.
Happily they did not know what was
in store for them.
As is understood the motive power OF
the clericomotor was Hex Simpson,
the deacon's harumscarum son, who
was concealed behind the pulpit. At
first the responsibility of his position
held his frolicsome disposition in check,
and he performed the duties prescribed
for him with exemplary fidelity, but,
as the novelty wore off, his natural
spirit of mischief asserted itself. Des-
pite his solemn instruction not to turn
the handle backward, and probably be.
cause of this very intridiction, he wa.
dying to try the effect Of the forbidden
experiment.
The new clergyman had reached
"Seventeenthly, and was just entering
upon q glowing peroration, when he
was observed to slightly hesitate. AL.
most Immediately, however, he recov.
cred himself and clearly and forcibly
calculated, "Sixteenthlyw
Hez had commenced experimenting.
The reverend gentleman repeated a
few sentences smoothly, and then with
out o moments warning shouted
"Thirdlyp
The hair on the heads of Deacons
Simpson and Simpson stood on end in
horror. Deacon Grubb was bald. It
was very evident that Hezekia had
thrown oil prudence in the winds. The
new minister, without in the slightest
degree losing the expression of gravity
which added dignity to his countenance,
calmly proceeded backward by Jerks
through secondly" and "frstly. Then
hejumbied together two announcements
and a hymn. and varied the astonishing
performance by rapidly sitting down
and rising again a half dozen times.
Following this with a variety of wild
gestures, he f%iercely delivered what was
commonly supposed to be a quotation
in Choctaw, and then suddenly roared:
"The usual collection will now be-
The balance of the sentence was lost
in o frighlful explosion. Intoxicated
with his success, Hez had jammed the
crank back too far, and the new main
cylinder had burst.
The collapsed cleicomoter sank to the
floor as the congregation rushed in dis
may from the building.
The pulpit Of the Orthodox Church al
Byesville is still vacant.
Interesting Statistics
From the Philadelphia Press.
The capacity Of the ~steel-rail mills Of
this country is about l 900, 900 tons per
mum. About 100000 tons went into
-noM rnada laak uaor- and IN