The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1884-01-09
MISCELLANY.
COMIC COMMENTS.

q I declare, you beat me ~ exclaimed the
drum to the stick.
More murderers should be planted" is
demand of the West
man scheming to put himself in an
other mans place does not always grasp the
situation
A Texas man is Texas man. One who
lost both arms in sawmill has learned to
fire revolver with his toes.
If ga man is known by the company he
keeps then should not the Sheriff be in
dieted for something or other?
/" I'm down on you," says the feather to
the goose " and that is why folks keep
picking at me, was the reply.
A coltish young man of St Louis has
been cured of too much wild oats by being
made to face the mouth of horse-pistol.
g Wood is the thing after ALL" as the old
man said when the mad dog bit large
splinter out of his wooden leg and got
choked with it.
The Palace Car Company have $4,000
blankets. If you don't believe this give
the porter fifty cents on a cold night and he
will show you one.
Refrigerator cars are kept running oil
Winter. Faith" said the Irishman who
looked into one, 20 it is the fust tonne liver
saw cellar on whales"
They are blaming a poor and modest
clergyman in Boston, who didn't have
pair, for stealing suspenders. He knew of
no other way to brace up.
When a certain bachelor was married the
members of the Bachelor Club broke him
up by sending him as a wedding present
copy of q Paradise Lost"
1t is no longer fashionable for o girl to
say that she has refused an offer of mar
riage. 1t is now in good form to speak of
the rejected lover as having been placed on
the retired list.
A Nashville paper says Jersey cattle are
finding their way into Texas. SO do the
cattle of every State anywhere near the
Lone Star State, if the cowboys are not
caught. Chicago Neaos.
A visitor who has just returned from
trip through South Carolina reports that in
one hamlet where he stopped he saw an in
habitant at work. We give this story for
what it is worth.-LoaoeI Courier.
Ex-Governor Coburn, who has never been
married, is the richest man in Maine.
With no Spring and Fall bonnets to buy, a
man may acquire wealth in the bleakest of
climes.-Loaismile C0uyaer-Jomnal
g Are your domestic relations agreeable ?"
was the question put to an unhappy look
ing specimen of humanity. "Oh, my do
mestic relations are all right" was the re-
ply; it's my wife's relations that are
causing the trouble"
The art of letter writing is being develop
ed to wonderful degree. When o prom
iuent man gets into slight unpleasantness,
he soon discovers that his enemies have
preserved about seventy-fve more letters
than he ever wrote in his life.
@ 1 thought, remarked the victim, after
the dentist had dragged him around the
room several times, Z" 1 thought you adj
vertised to extract teeth without pain ?"
$50 do, sir" replies the operator, bland
iy - it doesn't hurt me at ALL"
"a brave man carves out his own for
tune" says some philosopher. He does,
and no mistake. But let that same brave
man attempt to carve a turkey, and he'll
get left, unless he has learned the trade
through seven years apprenticeship. p
Lo,oen Citizen.
One three-year-old ostrich will yield $3.50
| worth of feathers year. Considering that
an ostrich will eat weeks washing at one
meal, if it gets chance, and swallow o few
fence pickets for dessert there doesn't
seem to be much profit in ostrich farming.
--No,risto,oa Herald.
How is this? In Boston they pronounce
1 it .Ne,o-fnl'nd, accent on the Moot; in
Michigan it is called Newfoundland"
with great stress on the found" and the
natives of the island say Newfoundland"
coming out strong on the land. We don't
know how the dog calls it himself.-Buf-
Hngton Haaokeye.
Two st. Louis girls, about seventeen
years of age, ran away from home recently
and went to Colorado, where they proposed
TO start goat rancho. As their entire capt.
tai did not consist of over $3.50, the girls
evidently believe in the stories in the seri-
ous newspapers that the favorite food Of the
goat is circus posters, barrel slaves, and
oyster shells. n orrtstoson Herald.
Headquarters for Rubber Boots and