Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1884-09-25
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Wants to be a Dr,tm Major.

can play no musical instrument, he has
desire to join it, and says they want him TO
be drum major and he asks us whether he
had better. take the position, and whether
there is any chance to amount TO anything
as drum major of band, or rise to higher
position This is subject the San does not
care to tackle, but boy who comes in all
meekness to this fount of every blessing.
for advice, is going to get it. Boy, don't
you be drum major A'drum major never
amounts to anything. except in his own es-
timation. He may not be any bigger fool,
after a service of few years as drum major,
because he is about as big fool as nature
can get up when he takes such position.
He may rise little by getting up on the
band stand at county fair, and striking an
attitude to be admired by tittering country
girls. but the sensible men and women will
look at him and laugh::right out in meeting
A man of sense never sees drum major
without feeling like the farmer who saw his
first dude, and said to a companion: What
things we do see to shoot when We hain't
got no gun" No, boy, whatever you do
in life be producer, that is, do something
that is of benefit to yourself or somebody
else A drum major produces nothing but
ridicule, and he has not got sense enough to
know it. He walks ahead of the band like
q he-miliner, dressed like turkey gobbler,
but be does not even gobble. He can't ut
ter a note of music, and tosses up stick
with brass head, and catches it and looks
wise. The rest of the band have no respect
for him and ne is the laughing stock of ev-
erybody. He il the monkey of the process
sion. and would not be noticed only for his
outlandish rig and his monkey work. De is
the drone of the bee hive, and lives on the
music that Others make. He is the tail
feather of the band rooster and can't even
crow The most laughable sightat the great
Chicago conclavc of Masons, few years
ago, was the hundred drum majors with the
hundred bands, each trying to look more
like fools than the others, each trying TO
strut more than any other drum major. each
trying to attract the most attention by hand
ling his badge of office. each succeeding in
making himself the centre OF all eyes, the
cause Of all fun. The parade was on the
hottest day that ever WAS, and the people ON
the streets to see the procession were all
nearly dead with heat and fatigue,
and the only time they ever felt like laugh
ing was when band would come along
with its drum major, when they would smile
and say, Look at the id fool" II was
not very pretty thing to say, but hun
dred thousand people said in that day.
Who it was that originated the Office OF
drum major of Il band is question, but he
did thing that he can never atone for. A
drum major is not as useful a. the humble
cover to asausage, and if you can secure a
Job young man, as a sausage cover, accept
it in preference to joining new band as
drum major. If your desire Is to be orna-
mental 90 and tie peacock's feather to
your hat band, and go around and let your
friends kick you Be a hitching post or
cigar sign, or carry sign for shirt factory
on the streets, and thus make a sandwich Of
yourself, but for heavens sake don't ever
be a drum major. The whole hundred
drum majors at Chicago did not look as If
they had brains enough in the aggregate to
fill a small tea cup. If you are struck on
Joining a band, get drum and maui 1t, or
procure a horn and blow the daylights out
of it, anything that will help along, but
don't make a monkey show of yourself, and
cause people to laugh at you, and think you
have not sense enough TO know that you are
the butt of ridicule Some think that a
band keeps drum major to do the drink
ing when the members Of the band have
got full enough Several of the drum ma
iors at the Chicago conclave got drunk after
the parade and if you had seen them you
would never want TO be in their place. So
Der, drum major is entitled to just little
respect, because he looks clean. His bear
skin hat, his feathers and red and buff uni
form, and his badge Of office all shine, and
he looks like peacock. But when he
gets drunk, and the hair on the bear skin
cap all turns the wrong way, and the cap
sets on his left ear, his coat is split up the
back, his badge of Office drags listlcssly in
his nerveless hand, his eyes become red,
and the pcrspiration oozes from every pore,
and his stomach is full of free beer, and he
is staggering off looking for place to lean
over a railing and be sick, with boys fol-
lowing him and making fun Of him, his
feathers ell draggled like a peacock that has
fallen in q swill barrel, and his body as limp
and Timber as rubber over-coat, he Is not
a sight that is as inspiring as he is early in
the day. So stay out of the band young
man, unless you are blower or striker, and
can make music, even though it isn't so very
good. Poor music is better than the po-
sition Of premeditated fool.
George Latham, editor Of the Statesyille, IN
c. American committed suicide Saturday morn
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