The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-01-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

liam out of the front yard.
People who are color-blind can not
distinguish any difference between red
and green. TO them the woman who
paints her checks looks green.
''No, sir, my daughter can never be
yours" Il don't want her to be my
daughter!'' broke in the young ardent.
II want her to be my wife -
A young colored man of Illinois is
said to have made fortune of $3.50. 600
within n year. We suspect he served a
few months as porter on Pullman
palace car.
$50 you are marred. F" remarked Mrs.
Smith; "when do you receive?' co."
replied the newly-wedded one, ''that
will depend on our friends. We shall
bo ready to receive as fast as the pres
ents are sent in"
A young man who sat upon q black
piece of iron in blacksmith shop and
unceremoniously sprang seven feet IN
the air, with wild shrek of despair,
says he don't think much of the hot
springs as health resort.
A new mineral called adamascolite
has been found in Missouri and it is
said that it will cut steel. Adamasco-
lite will fill long-felt want Now the
traveller can have a knife that will cut
a railroad sandwich.
Alice" said Mrs. Petulia in a SUBJ
dued tone to her little girl one evening
at supper, 'you must eat bread with
yolr jam" But, mamma" protested
Alice, ''it's plenty good enough with
out bread"
How many parts of speech are
there, Johnnie?" "Well, in our house
there amt none, cause when NANNY
gets her speech started it never parts;
IL just reaches from sun to sun 'thout
even a crack in il"
''The surcst way to take cold," said
distinguished physician, ''is to hug
the stove" Young men who 90 court
ing on Sunday nights should remember
this, and not spend all their time hug
ging the stove.
American tourist in gallery of art:
II say, John, we haven't got but twen-
ty minutes to 90 through this thing
before the train starts. You take one
do it up in good style. .'-BMrtingtOn
Free Press.
A tailor informed one of his credit
ors that if he did not settle his bill i'm
medately he would commence suit,
but was surprised 10 receive a postal
card by return mail politely informing
him to look to the settlement of one
suit before commencing another.
n Hoosier ut dinner on Mississippi
palatial steamer was about to reach
out for something before him, but the
waiter, checking him, exclaimed, hur-
riedly: That, sir, is a dessert. 80, ="
said the Hoosier, II don't care if it's n
Wilderness, am going to eat it all the
same. philadelphia Call.
"Oh, nor she exclaimed, in conster-
nation, ''surely not, doctor!' Yes" !"
he said, ''you are certainly threatened
with scarlet fever" What shall do,
what shall do?'' she moaned in great
distress. ''Oh, doctor, couldn't you
throw it into some other kind of fever?
Scarlet is so trying on my complexion. "
80, will he bite?'' exclaimed one of
Middletown's sweetest girls, with n
look of alarm, when she saw one of the
dancing bears on the street the other
day No" said her escort, che cannot
bite he is muzzled; but he can hug" ="
60" she said, with n distracting smile,
81 don't mind that. d"
Johnnie did any one have the Group
in your house last night?" Dunno.
What made you ax me?" "Well, | saw
light in the house long after mid
night" ''Oh, that's my sister. She
has somethin' down in the parlor awful
late every night, but | don't know
whether it's the Group or not. .''-Yonk-
ers Gazette.
1--WE are going to have mild winter,
Mrs Varley; everybody says so. re-
marked Mrs Seaton. Mrs. Varley
merely acknowledged the information
with an ''Ah," but when Mrs. Scaton
had gone she turned to her companion
and said ''You know what that remark
means, don't you? Her husbands too
stingy to buy her new set of furs.
.Say, Captain" said fresh young
man on Sound steamer, whats that
thing over thcre?" "A hawser," was
the brief reply. "a horseP Dear me!
What do you use it for, Captain?'
E'Well, when fools like you get tired OF
sailing we just put a saddle on it and
let them ride ashore" growled the
gruff old mariner.
Mamma, what is cipherp" ''Why,
my child, cipher is a naught; that is,
il is nothing" "Wcll, then. papa must
be naughty nothing" What makes
You think SOP" cause papa caught
hold of the nurse this morning and
said: Il cipher u taste OF your lips,
and she smacked him. 'Did she Slap
him with her handP" mo, ma a'am;
but she bit him right in the mouth"
Every noted foreigner who arrives on
our shores Glove America. As long.
that4is, as he makes money here. II
his undertakings result disastrously in
Il financial point of view, he goes home
and writes n book about America. And
it is only necessary to read one chapter
10 discover that his love for this coun-
Try is about as warm as that of wO-
man for mouse. se.-NorriSto10n Herald.
my dear, l am shocked that you
should invite those young ladies to
your party" "Why, mamma. how
you talk! They have always been in
society Their father is the postmas-
ter" Very true, my child, but You
forget the change that has recently oc-
Cured" ''What change, mamma?
-.Why, the rates of postage have been
reduced to two cents"
A rural debating society has decided
that tobacco is injurious to health and
shortcns life. The decision has already
been productive of some good. An old
gentleman OF 81 years, who lives in the
vicinity, and has used tobacco since he
was Is, has resolved to discard the vile
weed before he falls a victim to the
habit and sinks into an early grave
N0YrtSjOa01g Herald.
Some Joker put n small turtle, about
the size of silver dollar, in room l.
ut the Ocean Hotel, Durango, and the
miner who was assigned that room,
upon retiring, caught sight of it, where
upon lie began To resume his clothing,
with the remark: Il expected TO have
n lively night Of it here, but if they re
as big rs that [ don't propose to get in
with 'em. "-DenUe1' IrjGs0e.
A St. Louis man tripped on rug al
the door of his bedroom, slid down q
long flight of stairs, crashed through {
glass door, down the stone door-stops
rolled across the yard out through the