St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1884-12-11
SqUilps.

Pattl VIII sing in none but the largest
cities this year. Towns whose assess
ed valuation is less than the prices of
seats will have no chance to hear her.
] -tPhiladrlphia Press.
restaurant keeper in Montana has
q sign over his door, Cooked vitals
Tor sale here The man is all right.
lie means that lie keeps what people
iive on; what they sustain vitality
with.
"ls it stealing 10 appropriate an UNI
breila belonging to another to yonr
own use y asks the Pitfsburg Dis
patch. No; it is only stealing when
some other fellow steals your umbrel-
Ia Graphic. ..'.'.
! We hear that the cider mills ali over
the country are shutting down, and
thai by the iiist of January there will
not be a single mill 10 Operations. Ma
one can tell how many operatives arc
thus thrown out of emplnyment. As
Cleveland is elected, it is doubtful if
mere VIII ne any apples next year.
Sharon (Mass.1 Advocate.
Timid lady going up the Washincton
monument elevator: Conductor, what
if the rope breaks that holds us ?T Con
ductor; "Oh, there are a number al.
tached as safety ropes" Fimid lady:
"But If they all break where shall we
go 7" Conductor "Oh, wei, n'm that
all depends on what kind of IL life vou
have been living before IPhiladel-
phia News. .....
Subscriber $50 the cable is broken
again g'' Newspaper Proprietor Eyes.
unfortunate, isn't it ?" Subscriber
''But you have your cable news as
usual, | notice" n. P-''Yes: mighty
lucky, wasn't it ? Our dispatches had
tjnst past the place where the cable
broke, right in mid-oceau A secoud
later and they would have been cut
off, Boston Transcript
A Little Rock man sold his cooking
stove to get money enough to take his
family to the circus. When one of his
friends demonstrated with him. he
said: ave had no Use for the stove.
Had nothing to cook" ''But why
didn't you buy something to eat with
the money you got for the stove 7r
'Then we should have had nothing to
cook it on. Don't talk to me. I'm
philosopher" .-....
"Will you pull the bell ?" she asked
of man across the aisle as the ear
reached the corner. 'No madam. - HE
answered with Il bow "but | will he
most happy to pull the strap which
rings the bell" "Ah but never mind
The strap is connected with two bells,
and you might stop the wrong end of
the car" And the look she turned
upon him was full of triumph veneered
with cayenne pepper.
"Any reduction in the price of cloth
ing 2" he asked. every large reduc-
tiom," answered the dealer 81 would
like to buy pair of pantaloons if
can get them cheap enough" "WelI,
sir, prices have all gone to pieces, par
ticularly on pautaloons. The bottom
has fairly dropped out" ''In that
case" said the customer, turning to 90,
II guess will stick to my old ones for
awhile yet"
"FOr heavens sake, what are YOU
doing, Mr.. Sclneldervrow ?" exclaimed
the leader of the orchestra to the see
Ond violin ''you're not Keeping time
at all count the beats, man, count
the BEATS Mr.. Schneldervrow drop
ped his bow, looked over the audience
of deadleads and exclaimed in despair:
at vas impossible - He had msap-
pretended the leaders meaning
Boston Transcript.
"IIusband," said Mrs Smith the
other night fixing her eyes significant
| ly upon the seven year-old pride of the
family, 81 am afraid you will have to
correct Johnny he has been IL bad boy
this afternoon" Husband, glancing
over his paper: "What has he been
doing r. ''He took his Shawnineck
rooster over to Mrs. Jones and Tom
Jones got out his black Spanish and
| they let the poor creatures fight for
more than an hour.' Husband, straight-
ening up: (which whipped p
A newly married couple from the
country boarded Philadelphia street
car the other day When the ear he
came crowded the bridegroom gal
lantly arose and offered his scat iO a.
lady. sob, Wilyum," said the bride
in alarm, care you goin' TO leave me ~
"No,n said 'Wilyum,' ''I'm gOin' 10
hold on to one of them feathers"
"Well, Wilyum," She said, .'lct me
hold on too !" and rs she arose, She
tossed her head scornfully at the
woman WHO had tallen her lovers
seat.
| 1t is announced that Herr WiheImi
"will next year open u school for the
viuln ut his residence. Bicbrcli, on
| the Rhine" 1t is a. capital notion.
There are Il great many viplins right
here in this tuwn that should lac sent
several years To Wilhclmi's school.
They. need an education badly. A
course of five years would probably
! ~ 4
improve the tone of those who are
now obliged to listen to them,
lie wanted a position in I'M Austin.
bauk. The president was satisfied
with his credentials, but before. en-
gaging him put him through a kind of
| civil service cross examination. ..
"SuppOse. nov, Il man was lo come
in here to deposit 500 in one dollar
bills, bow would Aou count them -
"Fd wet my finger and lift up each
bin until got to the last one" ...
"Why would you. not lift the last
one ?''
"Bccause there might possibly. Ire
one more bill under it, aud if the de
positor was to see it, he would want it
back, but if the twentieth bill is not
lifted up and there should bc another
bill in the pile, the bank makes it,
don't you see ~ ~.
'tYou will do,n said the bank. presi
dent. "Yon have been in the business
before, but Ididn't suppose yon knew
that trick
DE Blank Poor Clara My heart
goes ont tn her, but what can 1 do?
Nothing will comfort her.
Mrs. DeI'ink Clara! Dear me
What has happened 7 thonght she
WAS happily married. Every body sail