Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1884-01-15
He was a "Youmorist."
Bill Nye in Detroit Free Press.


"You are an youmorist, are you notf'
queried long billed pelican addressing a
thoughtful, mental athlete on the Milwau-
kee q st. Paul road the other day.
s'Yes, SIR" said the sorrowful man,
brushing away tear. 81 am an youmorist.
| am not very much SO, but still / can see
that am drifting that way. And yet
was once joyous and happy as you are. Only
few years ago, before was exposed to
this malady, I was blithe as a speckled
yearling and rocked not of aught-nor any
thing else, either. Now roy whole life is
blasted. do not dare to eat pie or pre-
serves, and no one tells funny stores when
am near. They regard me as profess
sional, and when get in sight the scrub
nine close up and wait for nae to entertain
the crowd and waddle around the ring"
ssWhat do you mean by that?" murmur-
ed the purple interrogation point.
mean Why l mean that whether m
drawing salary or not, Pm expected to be
the life of the party Isdon't want to be
the life of the party. l want to let some
one else be the life of the party. l want to
get up the reputation of being as cross as a
bear with sore head. I want people to
watch their children for fear I'll swallow
them. / want to take my low-cut evening
and tell the world I've got cancer in my
stomach, and the heaves and hypochondrla,
and malignant case of leprosy."
500 you mean to say that you do not
, feel facetious all the time, and that you get
weary of being an youmorist? ?"
!, "Yes, hungry interlocutor. Yes, low
browed student, yes. ! am not always
J tickled. Did you ever have large, angry
. and abnormally protuberant boil somewhere
on your person where it seemed to be in the
/ way? Did you ever have such boil as a
. travelling companion and then get introduce
ed to the people as an youmorist? You
have not? Well, then you do not know
+ all there is sufIelingin this sorrow streak
q ed world When wealthy people die, why
i don't they endow a cast-iron castle with q
draw bridge to it and call it the youmorsts'
!. retreat? Why don't they do some gooc
with their money instead of fooling it away
: on those who are comparatively happy?
a sBut how did you come to git IT, be al
g youmorist?
"Wel, don't know. 3! blame my par.
y ents some. They might have prevented i
q If they'd taken it in time, bat they didn' t
n They let it run until it got established, an6
n now il Is 10 use to go To the Hot Springs OF
e to the mountains, OF have an operation per
:, formed. You let a man get the name Of
{. being an youmnrist. and ne doesn't dare t.
4 register at the hotels, and he has to trave
q anonymously and mark his clothes with hi
"a wife's name, or the public will lynch him
i il he doesn't say something youmorous.
n "Where is your boy tonight ?" continued
- the gloomy humorist. do you know Were
" he is? Is he at home under your watchfu
y eye, Or is he away somewhere mailing thu
y handles on the fist little joke? Parent. be
T ware. Teach your boy TO beware. Watcl
70 him night and day, or all at once. when h'
n is beyond your jurisdiction, he will grow
u pale. He will have far-away look in hi
+ eye, and the bright, rosy lad will have be
:. come the aat-chested ioyless youmorist.
II ''It's hard to speak unkindly of our par
70 ents, but mingled with my own rem rise
At shall always murmur to myself and ask owe
q. and over why did not my parents rescue M
n while they could? Why did they allow m.
Ii chubby little feet to waddle down to thu
ID dangerous ground on which the sad-eye'
~ youmorist must forever stand?
20 Partner do not forget what have sale
7 to-day. Whether your child be SON 0
,o daughter, it matters rot. Discourage tn
..d first sign of approaching humor. 1t is easie
10 TO bust the backbone of the first little, ten
"a der jokelet that sticks its head through thu
l. virgin soil than it is to allow the Shiny fold
at of your sons youmorous lecture to be wrar
w ped about you and to bring your gray haiI
20 with sorrow to the grave