Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-04-04
FUN


fraternity Of editors and all their
readers owe debt of gratitude to one Of
their members, the editor of the Dan
bury News" for report Of the follow
lowing case, instituted by, though not
practiced on, himself, but one of his edi-
torial corps:
''He boiled little boneset and boar
hound together, and drank freely Of the
tea before going to bed. The next day he
took five pills, put one kind of plaster on
his breast, another under lis arms, and
still another one on his back. Under ad-
vice from an experienced old lady, be took
these OFF with an oyster knife in the after
noon, and slapped on mustard plaster
instead. His mother put some onion
drafts on bis feet and gave him lump of
tar to swallow. Then she put hot bricks
to his feet and went to bed. Next morn
ing another old lady came In with bottle
OF goose oil. and gave him dose on a
quill, and an aunt arrived about the same
time from Bethel, with bundle of sweet
fern. which she made into tea and gave
him every half hour until noon, when ha
took dose OF salts. After dinner, his
wife, who has been fine lady of expert
ence in doctoring, in franklin street, give
him two pills of her make, alb, ut the siz'
OF English walnuts and of similar shape,
and two tablespoonful of homemade bal
sam to keep them down. Then he took
half pint of hot rum, at the suggestion
OF an old sea captain in the next house,
and steamed his legs with an alcohol bath
At this crisis two of the neighbors arriv-
ed. who at once said that his blood was
out of order, and gave him half gallon
OF spearmint tea and big dose of castor
OIL Before going to bed he took new
kind of pill, wrapped about his neck a
flannel soaked in hot vinegar and salt, and
had feathers burnt on shovel in his
room. He IS now fully cured and full of
gratitude
A DRUMMER DEFEATED.-Ta about
pretty girls-but she Was wild flower and
no mistake! She got On the train to go
over to Meridian from Vicksburg, and
she was all alone. There was a sort of
sidelong movement among five or six men
but a drummer for Philadelphia saddle
~ house got there first. He grabbed I'D
his grip and walked square up to her seat
and took possession of half of it without
asking question, and in ten minutes he
seemed to be perfectly at home. She an.
sWered his questions briefly, and he had
the hardest kind of work to keep no con-
conversation, but as the train approac ned
Jackson she suddenly asked:
II want to telegraph papa from here
Will you help me?''
ooh certainly. I have blank 10 nv
pocket. Write your telegram and will
run into the ofiice with it,
We missed him when the train started.
but by and by he was found in the smok-
ing car, his bat crushed down and his
nerves all on edge. When asked what had
happened, he drew forth the telegram
which the girl mad requested him to hand
IN. 1t read
'Bring your shot gun with you to pop
over drummer who has dreadfully an
noyed me. Shoot TO kill p
''To think" he gasped. ''that one 50
fair could be so murderous Why, I'm all
in sweat; I want some of you to stand
by me .
We got his grip from the seat, traded
hats and coats with him, and the way he
slid from the depot when the train reached
Meridian caused a hotel porter to observe:
well, now, but that white face belongs
to an invalid and them legs to a deer
What sort Of coon can he be ?n
JOSH BILLINGS ON INFIDELITY I'M
pudence, ingratitude, ignorance and cow
ardice make up the kreed ov infdelity.
Did you ever hear ov a mans renounc-
ing Christianity on his deth-bed and turn
ing infidel
Gamblers and free thinkers haven't
faith enough IN their profession to teach
it to their children.
No atheist with all his boasted bravery
haZ ever yet dared to advertise his unbe.
lief on his tune stun.
1t is Statistical fakt that the wicked
work harder to reach hell than the right
eous DO to reach heaven.
notiss one thing; when man gets
into tite spot he don't never send for biz
friend, the devil. to help him out.
I'd rather be an idiot than an infidel; if
I am an intidel, have made myself one
if an idiot, was made so.
| never saw free thinker yet who
didn't believe hundred times more nom
sense than he can find in the Bible emmy
where.
It il alwuss safe to follow the religious
belief that our mothers taught us-there |
never was mother yet who taught her
child to be an inGdel.
II an 1n6del komprehend that be can
prove more bi hiz faith than he can bi biz
reason, biz impudence would be much less
offensive.
OMIT ONE CHAIR IN THE RooM.-Mr. |
Wiiberforce, of Main street, is not bad /
nan in his way, but he was sorely put \
out the other morning at breakfast. He h
had lent neighbor most of his parlor (
chairs. ard when he entered the room he +
found but one Of these useful articles 1
left.
He Immediately called his daughter and /
turning angrily to her said:
You entertained Augustus Smith for /
$50 hours last evening inzthis ro 10 ?"
Il did pa" confessed the maiden with
blush.
s,And where did he sit ?''
.sOn that chalr.'' I
sA,.d where did you sit ?" /
"I-I-1 -
"No prevarication. Where did you
sit %
"I-oh, gracious! I-Isat on the coal
|hod, pa /
Mr.. Wilberforce says he doubts the
krath of the statement, but 9 could /
khe moor girl have sat.-Euansu.lle Arqts.