The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-11-14
WIT n HUMOR.
Shylock-I will have my bond.
Portia-Not ii it's Wabash.-PucY

Our Pat says he prefers watermelon
to any other kind of fruit; the green
above the red ought to please an Irish
man, s~urely.-BoSton Courier.
''What is the silent partner of {"
firmP" asked a youngster of his faith
er. THE silent partner is the one who,
when called upon for money, makes a
great deal of noise about putting it
up"
"lt's a cold day when l get left"
observes the ice-cream man softly to
himself as he pours out another pan OF
skim milk and drops an extra lump of
oleomargarine into the freezer.-Low-
ell Citizen.
Horribly diy work, speechifying in
this weather. said n great orator last
week to a humble but gushing admirer.
''Dry!' returned the satellite, wishing
to overflow with wit. lit oughtn't to
be dry, for I've been drinking in every
word YOU uttered '.Ah. indeed!'
replied the great one; 'then l suppose
you've been making Il draught. of my
speech. "-PuRch.
The boys tell a good joke on Billy
Carter. While at the Moberly Fair he
was trotting Joe Stanhope in a race
and lost the first heat. Frank James
came to him and said: Garter, /
have bet $500 on your horse. He can
win this race. Do you hear? He can
win this race" He won the next three
heats and the race.-lerico MO-
Ledger.
MY husband is very little help to
me about the house, remarked Mrs.
Smith to her friend. "He never does
any of the marketing He always for
gets to bring anything home with him."
How different he is from my hus-
band" responded her friend sadly.
In what way?" ''Mr. Jones comes
home loaded every night."-New York
Graphic.
Why" he pleaded, ''our very cir
cumstances bind us together; our SINH
lar tastes, our friendship, long acquaint-
ance-' Yes" she replied, '.even
age could bind us together" ''What
age, dearest?' he asked. ''Mucilage,"
answered she, gloomily. A minute
later. as he paste up and down the
room alone, he realized that his failure
was gumplete.-Lye.
1t is stated that just before a Hindoo
woman dies a cow is brought in that
she may take hold of its tail as her life
passes away. Anybody who has been
yanked over q two-acre lot of newly
plowed ground, deathlessly gripping
the tail of an impulsive cow, can
derstand how the heather rite is sup
posed to typify the longing of a person
to die.-ROckidnd Courier.
Did YOU read those horrible stories
of the Arctic sufferers living off each
other:o' asked Mrs. Lumpley of her
husband. Eyes, | read all the particu-
lars dreadful, isn't itP' ''Oh, it's
nothing when you once get used to
having people live off of you. l used
TO kick when your mother, and your
sister, and all the rest of them came to
live off of me, but I've got so used to it
now that | never complain. "-TeTdS
Sittings.
\ young gentleman from Higbee,
while calling on his girl here, asked
for her hand and heart, and was ac-
copied. He told her that he had some
thing on his mind for a long time, but
was afraid she would get mad. She
wanted to know what it was then, and
he made her promise not to get mad.
Says he: Il have two brothers in the
p%enitentiary." THAT is nothing" re-
piled she. Il have two brothers in the
Arkansas Legislature. - BOoncile
NO. Topic.
do YOU know, George, / wish you
would stay at home tomorrow"
why, darling?' ''Oh, because this
afternoon Il terrible-looking tramp
came here while you were away and
ordered me to give him something to
eat. so / had to give him all that sponge
cake | made last Saturday and, George,
he says he's coming back tomorrow"
"Did he eat the cake, darlingP" Eyes,
all of it. Yes, every bit" 'Well
then, set your mind at rest, dear, he
will never come back. boston Post.
Bob Nickelby married a wealthy old
maid for herinoney. She paints her.
self up and makes quite a handsome
appearance at a distance, at balls and
parties. On the other hand, Sam
Chuzzlewit's wife is young and good
looking naturally. Both were in at
tendance at a ball on Austin avenue,
and Mrs. Nickelby was painted like a
doll. Next morning Nickelby met
Chuzzlewit and said: ''Our wives
looked beautiful at the ball last night"
Yes" responded Chuzzlewit, "and
my wife looks that way yet."-Teras
Sytings.
Several days ago Mr.. Saunders, the
proprietor of the Woodland Democrat,
had occasion to transmit a message to
Oakland, California, and the following
was formulated and started over the
wire in good shape: Cannot come
down till Thursday-foreman drunk"
As appointed, he went down on Thurs
day, and was not a little chagrined to
learn that his telegram had been the
source of much pulling and %specula-
ton among his friends, to whom it read
as follows: Cannot come down till
Thursday forenoon-drunk. = rginia
(Nec.) Enterprise.
A kiss is a paroxysmal contact be-
tween the labial appendages attached
to the superior and inferior maxillar-
les respectively of n man and wOman