The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1884-01-24
Miscellaneous. g
THE HUMORlST OF WAUKE.
GAN.

two years of age, with an unlimited
belief in his own comic powers, and
q tender attachment for a local
young lady. He was accustomed
to call upon her at least four even
inngs in the week, and to entertain
her with his brilliant conversation
from Z to II o'clock. When spenc
ing the evening with the object Of
his alteration, he would constantly
| ask, "When is a jar not a door!
and insist that the young lady
should give it up and let him fur
nish the answer. lie a'so had a
habit of remarking in an apparent,
ly careless way thatit was o ''good
day for the race" and when the
young lady, out of her vast charity
would ask s'What race?' he would
triumphantly answer, "The human
race! ha! hap'
The young lady was t'rid and
gentle; she disliked scenes Of
violence and i'll humor, and she
| could not bear to treat an alleged
fellow being with unkindness; but
at least she felt the time for endur'
ance was past, and that duty to
her friends required her to suppress
Mr.. Laaigan at any cost. So on
I Wednesday last she gave birth.
day party. All the young men
and young woman of Waukegan
were invited, and went merry as a
| marriage-bell.
Encouraged by a larger audience
| than usual, Mr.. Lanigan opened
fresh stores of humor, and culmin'
| ated his criminal career by displays
of amateur yentriloquism. When
he asked the imaginary old man IN
the chimney what he was doing up
there, or held idiotic conversation
with pretended Peters concealed
under the sofa, or quarreled with a
hypothetic Irishman in the closet
he cast a gloom over the entire
company.
Finally the ice cream was an
nounced, and the young hostess
with her own hands pressed a plate
of that soothing compound upon
the hilarious humorist.
The plate of ice cream contained
morphine, and the drug was swal-
lowed without suspicion by the
doomed Lanigan. Fifteen minutes
| later, or at precisely 10.15, he was
seated in an armchair profoundly
asleep. The guests recovered their
| spirits. The hum o. conversation
| was renewed. The dance went on.
All would have been we'll had
not an i'll judged attempt to
awaken Mr.. Lanigan been made
about midnight. The attempt was
a failure. A wild hope that he was
actually dead flushed the cheeks
and brought smile to the lips OF
more than one of those present,
but this hope was dashed BY DR..
Cory a leading physician, who re-
marked that a stomach pump
''would fetch him. and therefore
went home to procure that instruf
ment, in spite of the remonstrances
of those who implored him not to
| disturb the humorist, but to quiet
ly send the undertaken with coffin
and hearse. Nevertheless, the
stomach-pump was brought; Mr..
Laniean was carried to the back
yard and carefully pumped out.
He was then filed with Whiskey
to counteract the effects of the
morphine, and at four o'clock in
the morning vas sufficiently recov'
cred to be wheeled home in a
wheelbarrow.
This story, while it furnishes q
terrible warning to reckless hum.
orists, is especially valuable to the
oppressed. Morphine can be had
at any drug store, and a dose large
enough for a full grown humorist
costs but few cents. The stom
ach pump need not be used and, in
deed should not be. It is said to
inhict fearful agonies upon q pa
tient, and the man must indeed be
hard hearted who would pump a
slumberiug humorist back to life,
| -KenOshn Democrat.