Delta chief., 1884-03-05
Sure Cure for Snoring Husbands.

aSreeaple naOlL OF snoring, Wnlcn Sne
will sell very cheap.
The lady, who is most estimable
wife and mother, is united to quiet,
undemonstrative gentleman, who, as
both husband and father, can scarce be
improved upon. His one failing, if so
harsh term may be applied to the mis-
fortune, was that he would snore. For
quite a number of years his amiable
wife had borne the infliction with a
Christian fortitude and equanimity that
has characterized all the acts of her
married life, but recently the gentle
man has unaccountably become pos
sessed of high-tenor snore that would
reach the nerves of a cast-iron man and
cause an asthmatic steam exhaust to
blush. Arguments, pleadings, pokes
in the tickle-ribs, back-action kicks,
and various other devices for exercising
the unruly sounds that poured from his
open mouth were unayailing. He him
self deeply regretted his Unfortunate
proclivity and really tried to conquer
It.
Recently his wife told her troubles to
lady friend. The friend was one of
those good motherly creatures who
have cure for everything-froln a boil
on the nose to hereditary rheumatism.
She Immediately prescribed a sure and
safe relief for the snoring. 1t was as
simple as it was efficacious, and con-
sisted merely in inserting candle into
| the opened mouth of the snorer and
tickling his palate with it. A candle
was prescribed as the only article that
could be used without injury to the pa
tents teeth, as he convulsively closed
them on feeling the tickle. 1t was to
be used upon the snorer without his
previous knowledge, SO that the shock
received would permanently cure him
| of his habit, as it is well-authenticated
fact that the mind of q sleeper actively
retains impressions SO obtained.
Without intimating her designs upon
him, his wife procured q brand-new
tallow candle, and, secreting it under
| her pillow, awaited an opportunity for
| its use. 1t was well on to midnight
when this occurred. At about that
ghostly hour her husband, in the pleas
ant fantasies of his dreams, rolled over
on his back, and. with few gentle,
preliminary snorts and puffs, COM
menced his solo Wider and wider
opened his mouth as the deep, unearth-
" corrugativns of sound issued forth.
At last it was stretched to its full cx-
tent, and the roar that came rumbling
out notified his wakeful spouse that the
appointed moment had arrived. Trem-
blingly and with a humping heart she
seized the candle, and holding it.
swinging like pendulum, by the wick
end, she suspended il over the yawning
mouth of the sleeper. The lady's hand
shook so with suppressed excitement
that she could scarce pilot the butt end
of the white monolisk between his
teeth. II was entered just as = tremu-
lous snorc WIS making its exit. There
was moments awful silence, and
then the botsE ed-up breath came peal
ing forth in such a horrible, unearthly
manner that his wife gave little shrek
and-dropped the candle. Down
plunged haif its oleagenous length into
the throat of the innocent sleeper, fai.-
ly plugging up that useful channel of
dis life. He could not snore. he could
not yell. he could barely breathe.
What terrible thought shot through his
slaep-dased brain will never be known.
His Jaws came shut witt. n mighty
snap, setering the grease of the candle
and firmly imbedding its wick in the
center between two incisors. There it
was, safs and sound, and firmly fixed.
But the man was not there. With the
face of q boiled oyster and the appear
ance OF a bare-limbed lunatic he was
gyrating around the room, his arms
wildly saving the air, and a great, glis-
tening white thing sticking out of his
inflamed countenance like a pigs tail
prematurely placed. Wash pitcher.
bowl, and stand went over in one dire
crash. Chairs, table, and bed-clothes
mingled in sort of household hail
storm. His wife cried murder" :"
thieves" and FIRE" and made vain
attempts to seize upon the projecting
end of the thing. He could not speak.
he could not breathe. The only act he
could successfully perform was to
dance around like an enraged lunatic.
At last he seized the candle, and by
one mighty wrench drew it forth, strip
ping the inside half off the wick and
leaving his mouth filled to running
over with the broken tallow.
His wife is no longer annoyed by his
snores. He sleeps on cot-bed in the
northeast corner of the third story. up
| against the roof, and vows that any
4 woman whose heart is black enough to
attempt the murder of her husband by
strangling him with candle deserves
neither husband nor home comforts.