The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-02-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

Inc small boy VINO hangs around the
parlor and makes faces at his sisters
beau should be punished for contempt
of court.
"What beautiful thing, my dear,
Is q rosy cheekln .'Yes, husband, but
how great the contrast when the blush
settles on the nose.n
A man named Gasbill wished to
change his name because his girl al
ways objected to his figure whenever
he'd meter. She said he was too high,
and turned him off.
Probably the meanest thing that a
man ever said was uttered by Fogg the
other day. Being asked his idea of the
best remedy for pOlygamy he replied:
Mrs. Fogg."
The deep bass of the organ ceased
suddenly in church in Lewiston, Me-,
when lady's voice was heard by the
whole congregation, distinctly, to de-
clare 81 don't care one bit; 1 do want
piano"
Tying a mans hands behind his back
and placing him where he can snap at
doughnuts, tied on string tied on a
level with his mouth, the string being
agitated by a friend, is new holiday
game in the interior of California.
A medical writer says that girls are
so constructed that they cannot jump.
If he is respectable young man let
him propose matrimony to one of the
girls and he'll soon see her jump-at
the offer.
She-I am fond of poetry. He-Are
you, indeed? So am I. Do you like
Burns? She-No, indeed; they are so
EXPRESSING. But, then, am not troubled
much with them, as ma does all the
cooking. tff
An advertisement in a Swiss paper
says: "Wanted, a servant who knows
how 10 cook and take care of children. "
In the cannibal islands = domestic pos
sessed of such double gift would not
long remain without employment.
Ell Vennor Mahdi. the False Prophet of
Egypt, is possessed of one commenda-
bic trait, anyhow He may butcher
his captives and pillage towns. but he
has never published an almanac There
is some latent good in all men.
A magazine writer asks: '.How shall
we utilize the Indians?" This is q
difficult question to answer, but per-
haps the best plan would be to petrify
them and sell them for cigar-store
signs. This idea is worthy of conSid-
GRAFTON, anyhow.
The man who goes round tapping
the car wheels and lightning bolts at
every stop on line of railroad is put
down on the payroll as a monkey
wrencher," just as the Young woman
i'm II telephone central office is set down
in the hooks rs a ''hellOOer'
A farmers daughter in the west of
England received hairy poodle dog
from friend in town. The unsophis-
ticated damsel wrote back, thanking
her friend for the present, and saying
that she found it very handy, when
tied to stick, to clean windows with.
Dentist-''The man who wins that
girl will get treasure" Customer
E.She looks like very charming Great
ure, that is fact. Is she wealthyP''
Dontist-' -'Wealthy! Well, 1 should
say so. She has $500 worth of gold in
her teeth alone"
Merited Rebuke-First Amateur (af-
ter soprano tornado): THANK good
nessl That's over! Regular screech
owl, isn't sheP" Second Amateur:
..'You idiot! That's just all you know
about it. Why, her fathers worth tril-
lionsm
''Now, wouldn't you call me good
1ooking?" asked an uptown swell of
his companion at a ball. Il certainly
should-all except one feature" an
swered she. (Which is thatp" he
asked. She eyed him over quizzically
for a moment and then frankly replied.
s'Your chcekn'
:" ''Well, Mildred" said Amy to tho
high school girl, "you held your end
up successfully at the leap year party
last night" '.Held my end upr' .ex-
claimed the high school girl; ''you
mean l sustained my extremity at a
conspicuous elevation. "-OH city Der
rick.
A hotel man in Philadelphia who has
heen troubled with guests blowing out
the gas is said to have obviated the
difficulty by posting this notice: ''The
relatives and friends of the guests
who blow out the gas will have to pay
for the amount wasted before the body
will be delivered"
A lady writes to know how is the
best way to preserve piano. The best
way to preserve the piano is to cut it
in quarters, take out the core, and boil
the pieces until they are about half done.
Then make syrup of sugar and pour
1t over the pieces, after which they can
be put up in cans or jars. Pianos pre-
served this way will keep all winter.
A pearl necklace owned by New
York lady is valued at 100000, and
yet the pleasure she derives from wear
- sza ell, Il sIn
cream when compared with the pleas
ure the Dakota girl experiences while
wearing a necklace composed of -
strong, honest arm. This is semi-of1i-
cial, but it can be relied on as being
correct. bismarck Tribune.
''Ah, old fellow" said Il gentleman,
meeting another, $50 you are married
at last. Allow me to congratulate you
for / hear you have an excellent and
accomplished wife" Il have, indeed"
was the reply; -'she is so accomplished.
Why, sir, She is perfectly at home in
literature; at home in music; at home
in art; at home in science-in short, at
home everywhere, except ''Ex-
cept whatpn Except ut home"
"Allow me to compliment you on the
last issue of your paper, said gen.
tleman 10 an editor. II think it is the
best number that you have ever issued. :"
-'Your kind words are too late" the
editor replied, for with the last issue
] suspend the publication of the Horn. :"
''Yes, know" joined the friend, "and
that's why thought the last issue was
The best. % Erchange.
A burly. weather-beaten tramp re-
Gently entered bank, and addressing
the urbane cashier, asked for five shil-
lings. "Five shillingsr' exclaimed the
cashier, isn't that rather highP
should think three-pence would be-
about your size, wouldn't it?' well, ="
said the tramp, ''if you think you un-
derstand this begging business better
than do. perhaps we had best change
places. If it suits you I'm agreeable :"
In an elevated railroad car modest
looking man was conversing pleasantly
with well-drcssed woman, who per-
haps might be called young one, and
the conversation grew social and famil-
liar. "You don't know how old am, 4"
said the lady. Haven't an idea,"
said the gentleman. ''Well, now. just