The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1884-12-26

Shall the Coachman be Muzzledg

Ihe trouble that is De1nS experienced
in aristocratic families on account of
coachmen running away with the
daughters, has caused many fathers
of marriageable daughters to stop and
think whether there should not be
law providing for the muzzling of
coachmen at the season of the year
when they become addicted to mash
ing the festive girl If something of
the kind is not done the girl is not
safe, and aristocratic fathers will find
it necessary to clean off their own
horses, and do their own driving.
Some have thought they had solved
the problem of safety from the wiles
of the young coachmen by employing
ancient colored coachmen, with one
eve gone, bald headed and black as
ink, but such coachman recently, in
Virginia, eloped with taOo girls and
married them both, so it has become
evident that the colored man is as bad
as any of them. There is something
about the smell that comes from the
clothes of a coachman or groom, after
he has cleaned off horses and cleaned
barn, that many aristocratic young
ladies cannot resist, and whether it is
the ammonia, or the dust from the
currycomb, no father will ever know.
| But there is subtle influence about
the associations of the barn that makes
weak girl weaker, and after being
under its influence for time all the
coachman has to do is to reach down
and pick the ripe girl and take her to
market. There may be a germ, q
microbe, possibly, similar to the
cholera germ, a factera, similar to the
one that makes people sick in other
countries, about the average barn.,
that should be looked into, and emil
nent physicians should diagnose the
matter. If our cows are afflicted with
pleuro-pneumonia or our hogs with
cholera, the governor appoints a
commission to enquire into
the prevalence of the disease
find the germ that brings it on, and
suggest a remedy. Certainly our
aristocratic girls are of more account
than the cattle on thousand pleuro-
pneumonia hills, and they should be
protected against this awful germ.
Let the most eminent physicians be-
employed to investigate our barns and
the surroundings. If it is found that
the fault lies with the coachman, let
him be muzzled, but if it is found that
a germ exists, which is inhaled into
the lungs or other vital parts of the
unsuspecting aristocratic girl, which
grows and irritates the mucus men,
brane until there is no relief except
elopement with the coachman, let us
know it, and we can provide against
it by vaccination or disinfection. Ii
| the coachman carries these germs
concealed about his person, so that his
clothes are full of the poison, so that it
is dangerous to fair aristocratic girl
to be helped into her saddle, by him,
or to lean her head on the bosom of his
livery-stable coat, let us know it, that
we may burn rag, or disinfect him
with burning sulphur, or sprinkle him
with carbolic acid. Let physicians use
strong magnifying glass on the
coachman, and if they find germs that
they have never met in their practice
before, let them catch germ, corral
it, and practice on girl with it. Take
a germ so obtained, and place it upon
the tongue of healthy girl, and watch
the effect. If she begins to look wild,
wink at the coachman out of the cor
ner of her eye, and smile when he ap-
proaches, with sickly smile, and act
az UQOuSu Su6 WdulCu " OioO I'LL,
that settles it. In that case the
germ theory is correct, and you
want to watch your girl and your
coachman, and soak them both in
some liniment. AS the girls mother
has been found to be quite as suscepti-
BILE to the wiles of the coachman as the
girl, in some localities it might be well
for the physicians to catch microbe :
and, in an unguarded moment, put it
in glass of wine for the old lady to
drink. If il goes to her head and she
gives vent to a wild whoop, and starts
for the barn on gallop, and corners the
coachman in the harness room, and
tells him to hitch up and take her away
to some distant cline, where they can
be all in all to each other, with no old
man to molest and make them afraid,
it is clear case, and you want to mash
the microbe between your thumb-nails,
or there is no security against an
elopement. In the meantime, before
the germ theory is investigated thor
oughly, it is well to believe there is
something in it. and to be on the safe
side, females who are thrown into the
society of coachmen should prepare
themselves for the mash, and be on
their guard. Insist that the coachman
shall Shut himself up in the harness.
room and fumigate himself by burning
sulphur on a barn shovel before he
goes out, and the girl should bathe in
bromo chloralum before going into
the presence of the coachman, and
wear a satchet containing asafoetida.
In this way the germ, if there is any,
can be rendered harmless, and a girl
can ride out with the coachman with
and not feel that in such
moment as she thinks not she will be
taken to ajustice of the peace and mar
ried. d.-Peck'S Sam.
The Florida Orange Crop.
M Al 60