Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1884-03-13
"REMINISCENCES of ARTEMUs WARD.

of good, pure, old time fluid extract or rye
on that memorable night.
-
! "REMINISCENCES OF ARTEMUS WARD.
A correspondent of the New York Tribune
writes Turning the leaves of a venerable
scrap-book, the other day, came upon one
! of the programmes that ArtemuS Ward used
to furnish to those who attended his lectures
"Among the Mormons." Does anybody
know what became of the panorama upon
which he held forth? 1t went with him to
England, but since his death has never been
heard of. Here is the programme
Prologue-By Artemus Ward-Professed-
ly to introduce the subject, but really to
give the accomplished crankist time to un-
roll the first picture.
The steamship Ariel at sea-Out on the
briny. The sea rough. Passengers unable
to remain inside their staterooms or outside
their victuals. An immense seaserpent in
our wake, another in our sleep. Land no
n. B. The hoe is now in Artemus Wards
possession. Isthmus of Panama. Interest
ing interview with old Panama himself,
who makes all the hats.
Old Pan is a likely sort of a man.
III.
Montgomery Street San Francisco-Life
and things in Eel Dorado-the Chinese Dra-
ma-Light Celestial Comedy in seven hum
dred and two acts, by a Chinese gentleman
of this city. Good quarters to be found here.
Playful population, fond of high, low Jack
and homicide.
Virginia City-A wild place. Game
abundant principally faro and bluff-Shoot-
ing prevalent in consequence. Every man
carries a revolver. and every other man
two. Silver mines-the treasure carefully
guarded, each proprietor keeping a silver
watch.
The great desert-a dreary waste OF sand
a perfectly shameful waste, in fact. They
ought to save it.
Bird's-eye view of Great Salt Lake City
A rather pretty picture, with some entirely
serious descriptive talk.
VII.
Main Street, West Side-This being. a
view of Main Street, west side, is naturally
a view of the west side Of Main street.
VIII.
Main Street, East Side-The Salt Lake
house. Lots of salt in this house-salt Gel
lars, in fact A Temperance hotell ll-nothing
stronger than butter, which was rather
strengthy when A. w. was there. Guests
were requested to turn off the candles before
retiring at night. Washing not allowed in
rooms. You must 60 out in the porch and
wash with cast-iron soap, though they call
it caSt-steel.
The Mormon Theatre-MOrmons as thea
tre-goes-Effects of the drama on their man
{c 70 bn fhpu
Also, for their calling a certain place the
"Bottomless Parquette."
Brigham's Young's Harem-one of the
most Interesting places in Utah, especially
to Brigham Young. Two dwelling houses
and q School-house. In the latter addition
is illustrated by Brigham's wives, and null
tiplication by his children. The pretty girls
in Utah mostly marry Young.
XII.
Heber C. Kimball's Harem-Mr. Kimball
has great many wives who are very dear
to him; much more expensive than less
number would be; he is one Of the most
numerous parents in Utah. Seventy-siX
Mormonesses share Mr.. Kimball'S lot. We
do not know how many acres there are in
this lot, but there ought to be a lot of them
for a lot of such wives, who should they
follow the saline example of Lots wife,
will make Salt Lake City salt indeed: On
being tenderly condoled with on the death
of one of his wives. Mr.. kimball said:
ooh, never mind. Ive got plenty more OF
'em at home."
The Tabernacle-This is the great Mormon
meeting-house. The Elders and Youngers
"preach'' here. \ 7 dss Band is at one
end of the building and the pulpit at the
other. Thus there is Brass at both ends.
The Mormon sisters sit by themselves in
the middle of the house. Rows by any
other name wouldn't be as sweet.
Nv.
The Great Salt Lake-Curious body of
NATURALIZATION proves it to contain
a large number of old salts. No fish can
live in it except salt cod fish, mackerel and
red herrings. There are mermaids there,
though they have Salt Rheums. lnJuns live
on the bank of this lake. Little Injuns
seen in the distance trundling their war
WhOOps.
The Endowment House-In this building
the Mormon is instructed into the mysterl-
Gus riteS-and WrOngS-Of his faith.
RULES OF THIS HOUSE.
Children in arms not admitted, If the
arms are loaded.
Children under one year of age not adj
mitted unless accompanied by their parents
or guardians.
Ladies or gentlemen will please report
any negligence or disobedience on the part
of the lecturer.
Artemus Ward will not be responsible for
any money, jeWelry, or other valuables,
unless left with him-to be returned in 4
week or so.
Persons who think they will enjoy them
selves more by leaving the hall early in the
evening, are requested to do SO with as
little noise as possible.
1t is doubtful if more fun was ever crowd
ed into the same space-Or 90 you happen
to know current humorist that could write
a funnier one? l we'll remember the first
time heard him. He appeared on the stage
looking crest-fallen and with face turned
anxiously towards the door which he enter
ed. ''The gentleman who was to have in
troduced me seems to have absented him
SELF" then, attera hesitating pause, he add
ed, II am Artemus Ward, lecturer of the
evening" 1t was difficult to believe there
was much music in this seriOus-faced young
gentleman. But what roars of laughter he
provoked! There was a joke in his lecture
which, once good, had been rendered abso-
lutey pointless by some event that had hap
pened. He carefully repeated the joke,
while every one in the audience was saying
to himself, "You might much better have
Il