The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-12-04
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WIT AND HUMOR.
MAKING A MASH.

joy.
Thou holdest back but ceasest not thy lay;
Thou art TOO bashful, draw thee nearer, pray.
love thee, yes-swoop, slap! all doubt is
.wooed thee well thou'rt mashed me at
last.
A fellow named Teddy Magee.
Rolling homcward one night from spree.
Met the Parson. who said,
"Ah, drunk again, Ted.
"Shom ParsOn, gurged Maeee.
spray, Jones. what's the matter 'twixt Han
I'm told that your conrtship is over.
What caused you to leave her2 She wasn't
Art thou, them a recreant lover?"
'The matter with Hannah is, 'twixt me and
Shes learning TO play the piano;
She bangs il increasingly. sings to it, too,
And that's what's the matter with Hannah.
-S0merville Journal.
Coachmen and priZe-fighterS seem to
be the heroes of the day. 1t is great
thing to be ON the box.
The Newark Adrertiser did it in this
way: Born TO the wife OF Amos JOS
ephs, daughter The infer
enee is thai full returns were not in
when the first part of the notice was
set up.
&.'A man who is so mean as to thus
sue widow woman ought to be kicked
to death BY jackass, said a Tecum-
court, land wish the Court would APP
point me to do it. .
A Massachusetts man committed sui
eide because it rained on day chosen
for picnic. When Massachusetts
man has once set his mind on custard.
pie it will not do to thwart him.
Courirr-.joa,rRdi.
The ssModern Bartender's Guide
4 V<,.l~
publisher The modern bartender
doesn't need guide SO badly as the
modern young man who patronizes the
-N0rTistoWn Herald.
Ouida SAYS: "A girls love must new
er be begged. but conquered. That's
all very well, but how to subdue the
thick-soled parent of the period is
what's bothering our young men just
low.-Sap Francisco Post.
..What do You want to set such
tough chicken before me for?' indig-
nantly exclaimed fair damsel in res
taurant the other day.. Age before
beauty always, you know. ma'am,
replied the polite attendant.
Some paragraphist says that Frank
lin did not discover lightning until af-
ter he was married. There are many
men not half so great as Franklin who
not only discover lightning after they
are married, but catch thunder.
A father-in-law at a wedding attemp-
ted to chaff the groom: Il hope now,
sir, that you will not get into any more
scrapes.'' ssNo." said the new son-in-
law, 81 shall not have chance; | shall
never get out of this one. ''-Pr0oideaace
Ne,cs.
The man who played the trombone
next door to us is dead. We have sent
in our congratulations to his reyiving
family, and are seriously contemplate
ing Joining the church again. There
is now nothing to prevent such a step.
Dial.
It's pretty difficult thing for high
school girl to think of something to say
when she goes to write composition
but as soon as she gets out of schoo
and while on the way home she can say
whole newspaper full without think
ing.
..And was his death apeaceful one?'
an old lady asked concerning one who
had recently departed. ':Well, yes
madame was the response. ''it NIGH
be called peaceful; it certainly was ful
of pieces He was blown up with dyn
amite."
.Oh. yes,'' said Mrs. Parvenu, talk
inc about music at Mrs. Suddenriches
reception, Il just dote on them sym
pathv concerts. and my husband in
sists on our prescribing for tie who'll
series. Amt them Beethoven rhapsO
dies real elegantP'
A woman has been arrested in New
York for cruelty whipping her oldes
son. She told the magistrate that sh,
didn't know il was violation of thi
law for woman 10 ''bang her heir. '
Then he doubled the amount of he
hail.-N0rrtstOen Herald.
1t is announced that Mrs Belv.
Lockwood intends to have her Cabine
made a In Pompadour, cut bias, witt
seven rows of anticipating down the
front, and iabot of Spanish lace, will
rnehings of Scotch null and pink bow:
around the neck.-Springfeld Union.
Great care should be taken by the
public not TO confOund the Coaching
and the Coachmen's Clubs. While
the former is made up of gentlemen
and gentlemen's sons, in the latter
neither of these are eligible, only
gentlemen's son-in-law being admitted
Hotel Register. ig-ss .5ss52ss.4s
''Of all the watering places commend
me TO Prymont. Fraulein. SchultZe
from Berlin. came here suffering from
a severe attack of impecuniosiiy and il
three weeks she was perfectly cured.
''By drinking the waters?n mo; by s
wealthy American. whom she is going
to marry. -iJcr tW.
The'Paris Municipal Council has vot
ed 5000 TO enable a delegation of car.
fk,.s 70. .Ia,, ri
for the purpose of finding ont how il is
that ready-made doors and window
frames from those countries can be de
hvered in Paris at less cost than the
price there of the unwrought material.
A Binghampton clergyman denoun.
ces roller skating rinks for girls on ac-
counts of their demoralizing character.
Nothing demoralizes a girl more when
she is gliding along on roller skates,
than to suddenly reach out after the
nnattainable with both feet and sit
down emphatically ON her shoulder
blades. 1t quickly destroys her appe-
tite forroller skating. -Norristoa0n Her
aid
One of those summer school philoso-
pliers who know everything says:
''There are no classes and no caste dis
tinctions in this country" Oh, there
aren't. isn't there! just let the philos-
opher put on last winters suit and O
straw hat, and ask the hotel clerk for a
nice room on the parlor floor He'll
learn something about the illimitable
infinity of distance to the mansard roof
that never occurred to him before
Charley" said mamma, ''you have
been a very naughty boy; you have
been playing marbles, and you know l
told you that you mustn't, for it is
gambling, and gambling is very wick
ed. Now, / hope you will never
gamble again" Charley promised he
wouldn't, and his mamma was so de-
lighted that she took him to the parish
fair, and gave him the money to take
chances in almost anything there.
''Whacher cream wuth?'' asked the
,aauSinnr hofc,,.c ;oo