The Monitor. [volume] (Woodstown, N.J.) 1884-1892, 1884-08-01
PHUNNYPHONES.


A crushed dandy: Diminutiye dude.
''Why do you make me wait till the last
dance?" Young lady "Oh, to give you
time to grow"
Domestic unanimity: 1T is beautiful
thing to see husband and wife OF one
mind" remarked Mrs. Fogg. "fes, re-
Piled Fogg. s'but it makes good deal of
difference who carries the mind
A ready answer: ''Iow does it happen,
doctor. said Lawyer Coke, that so few OF
your patients recover?'' Probably, quick
ly replied Dr. Bolus, ''for the same reason
that so few of your clients recover.
\ Fargo young lady, named Rouse
Caught glimpse of a poor little mouse,
And the scream that she scrome
shattered Heavens blue dome,
And bulged out the wallis of the house.
why. Cousin Charlie, what are you do
ing here? | suppose l must call you doc
tor now and how are the patients, by the
way?" Il don't know they are by the way.
| know none of them ever get as far as my
office. -
Should Satan have his share: ''lf the
devil had his DUE" said Biggs, ''where
would you be?" Il should be going around
with tears in my eyes, warning others
against following you destruction" re-
torted Bass.
AT the the theatre She-''Where have
~ IL i lw
went out into the foyer to get drink OF
water" She Cunning away her head)-
Mercy! 1t smells more like fire-water than
foyer-water.
''Do you suppose eating angel cake will
make an angel of me?" asked seraphic
young lady of the worldly young man.
'.I've no doubt it will, he answered, ''if
you only eat enough of it," Then she gig
gled and said ''Why?" +
Charles Montague dc Poorville "Will
you tell your sister | am here?' Maud;
'.Well, I'd like to oblige you, only she's in
the back parlor with Mr. Bachelor Cresus,
and mamma says if interrupt them must
go to bed without any supper"
Parish business: Excited chairman (to
persistent interrupter.- Keep your tongue
between your teeth, sir" Persistent inter-
rupter--'I'd make so bold as to recon-
mend you to keep your tongue between
yours, too, if--you had any teeth.
80 you have purchased a copy of my
book?" Eyes, and | wouldn't sell it for
twice the money | gave for it. -" Then
you like it?'' Il am delighted with it. 1t
will be out of print, you know, so soon and
I've got quite craze for rare books"
Undesirable correspondence: Yes" re-
piled Bass ION general grounds | suppose
a large mail should indicate good business:
but look at these, showing double fist
full of duns-''the less business | have, the
more of these blasted things l receive"
At the stock exchange: MY dear boy,
the business world is divided into camps the
gamblers and the spectators" Il don't
exactly see the difference" sIt's very
simple. The Spectator is the one who
gains. When a man loses he is only a
gambler" -il-l
"A very hot day, Patrick, said the boss
bricklayer the other day to his assistant,
ladder of fame under a heavy burden of
cement, in response to The bricklayer's cry
of more mort " ''Yes,p said Patrick,
sit ees hod day, and that's what's the
mortar
''Yes," said Mrs. Smith, who had just
alighted from horse car. "Yes, | got my
self all mud, and guess I've got my feet
wet but | didn't get out at the crossing.
These corporations can make rules, but |
guess the people have some rights yet, and,
though the men may tamely submit, the
women WON'T
Obeying an ordinance: 'Have you heard
the dreadful news about Miller" mo
what is it?'' .'IIe was in boat in the
river; he fell overheard and was drowned.
The water was too deep" Didn't he know
how to swim?" ''Swim! Don't you know
that all persons are forbidden by the police
to swim in the river" -
mo, said an Arizona campaign orator,
as he rose to oppose the nomination of a
candidate for county treasurer; mo, | have
nothing to say against the ability of Major
understanding in the world. In fact, /
consider that, if anything, he has too much
ability Elbows that" asked the chair
man. We'll, You see, over at Cross Dog
Camp, last winter, we used to play good
deal of seven up. The major-one Of the
best fellows in the world-had such remark
able bull luck that the boys got so after
awhile that they wouldn't play with him
unless he had his coat off and his cuffs
rolled back" The major was scratched.
s,Lr SAVED BY A DOG. I
AujcL Rafurn of RraaH Cast mr., I. a