West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1884-11-21

I am not Jrre that they do not rcally
mourn quite as sincerely as those who
GEAR long faces. l remember ofliciat-
ing at the funeral of u noted saloon
Keeper many years ogo. and on tho
road TO the cemetery we encountered
the cortege of rival publican. A race
between the two funerals was quickly
improviSed and we wers soon tearing
along at such furious rate that when
our hearse bounced over "A large stone
in the road its doors flew open. tho cof-
fin fell TO the grosnd and burst open
and the corpse OF my cliont-if | may
SO designate him rolled out
4 MANIA FOR FUNERALS.
''Some people attend every funeral
they can hear of, simply; because they
have a mania for doing so, and many
go to enjoy the drive 10 and from the
grave.
Il knew one old lady of tho latter
class who would go To every funeral in
the neighborhood, and would weep
over tho corpse so profusely and des.
cant upon the deceased virtues so elo-
quently that the undertaken would i'm
fallibly feel IL his bounden duty % ask
her name and have il put down in one
oi the best places on the carriage list
You know sydney Smith says: For the
heartiest mrth and jollity in tho world
commend me to the last carriage at a
funeral
Speaking of humor in connection
with funerals, | remember burying the
wife of a prominent iron manufacturer
who never lost an opportunity to a.
vertise his business. 1lo purchased :
lot in a cemetery which | need nc,
name. and surrounded ii vita vc,y
ornamental fence of his own mans
facturc. After had laid his good lad,
TO rest within il he erected TO her mem
ory handsome tombstone, on whiah
were carved these words Here lies
Mrs. Anne b, wifo of Robe..
Il, proprietor of tho -- Iron
Works, whore the elegant fence around
this lot was manufactured. Similar
ones made TO order
SOME FUNERAL STORIES.
"Many years ago, when | first went
into the business there liYcd in Consho
hocken family whom | will call
Mceder. The husband died and was
called in. He had been very hand.
some man and his wife had been very
devoted to him. In making ont the list
of people for the carriages | arranged
To have the widow, as was always the
I
her late husbands brother. whose feat
ur"s were as rcpulsively ugly as tho
dead mans had been handsome When
! came TO read my list at the funeral
and the widow learned of my arrange
nent for the first time, she no sooner
heard her name read in conjunction
with that of her homely brothcr-in-law
than she screamed out before all the
people: Il won't 90 with that tarnal
ugly lookin' critter, but II folcr Mceder
wherever he goes
''At thefuncral of a very.aged Quaker
gentleman which ] once directed on
Arch street, his widow. an old lady Of
eighty years walked into the room
where he lay i'm his coffin about n quar-
ter of an hour before the time set for
the funeral and sat down at the feet of
the corpse. Taking out her knitting
she began TO work at il very industri-
ously. Her granddaughter observing
her with great surprise. said: "Why,
grandma, surely you wouldn't knit at
poor grandpa's funeral?
"'Wal,' responded the good old
dame, i jest thought | might as well
draw out a few threads while the peo
pie were geth'ring.
is IL true, as alleged by the late
Charles Reade and others, that physi-
| clans receive "A commission from under
takers for recommending them?
'Yes. indeed, sir; and 30 10 clergy
meu, anI whats more, ! don't mind
telling you in confidence. but please
don't put it in the paper, that have
known physicians, i'm cases where they
were sure Of the undertaker's commits
sion but very doubtful about getting the
| amount of their bill, not TO exert them
selves too much 20 have the patient re
cover. Very mean and unprofessional
ON their part, to be sure, for the under
taker pays their comm ssion and never
gets "A cent for the funeral" - -IhiidoteL-
pjiia Times.