davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29
HUMOROUS.

1t was a son of Erin who asked the
meeting Ia eNCus, him from service on
q comm iiee because he expected TO be
Unexpectedly called away.
-"W no is the first lady in the land?'
nervoUsly ia uircs = contemporary
Wien YOU come to Philadelphia, # you
Will : lex yourself Up 4 little and comb
tie burrs ont of yOu hair we viii take
vou up I u the hoEse ana introduce YOU
to her Philadelphia Cal.
Indeed. Sue's new hal is no great
shakes. although she THINKS all the
world OF H." remarked my to the
H~ich-School girl. Mo great shakesr'
responded the High School girl, why
dom sou say vibrations of no magni-
tude?'"-Ok Ciy DCrrick.
A small 10Y in Maine listened de-
murclv to the story OF Samson tying
the ire-brands Ia the tails CO foxes and
then sending them through the fhilis-
tines corn, and nj the conclusion of the
narrative asked innocentiy: "Auntie,
did il pop?"-N. }. Ind.ptnicnt.
Pleasures OF CoaSting.-
.rcarhps there = man with soul 50 dead
Who never rode u big "bob-sle:.
IL you r. tnHt N .. so make y'.lr viii.
Then Geek some seen ana slipg ~ hill
High though yccr station. great your fame,
hoGr sweep thro' space As swift as flame,
And if Won each the foo. u%nilung,
LcuI praise wiiilnap from heart and tongue
--Didn'tItel YOU that | didn't want
TO see yOu in this courtroom again."
asked a Police Judge Of an ir.Shman.
..Yes. sor.' And didn't YOU promise
that | would never see you again9' Il
did, yer honor" Then why do see
you?" because We are not blind, Yer
honor."-N. \. Ledger.
i had hardly entered the ROOM"
said he, with a tremulous voice. ''when
a mist suddenly gathered before my
ewes. WAS unable To see an inch in
front of me. | heard the murmur OF
Vol es, and then ''Iou fainted.>
quickly put in his friend. NO; |
wiped the rost of my glasses."-Cai-
cGgo Irijwne.
Here is 4 fair sample of a small
boys diary. Is given by an exchange:
-.tsot up and washed me-had break
fast-slid down hiil-had a fight with
Willie Smith we won't speak any more
wore a hole in the toe IF my new
boot steering my sled-eat supper-pa
spanked me about the boot-went TO
tei-bully good day"
julia asked 4 New York editor
if it would be right TO have her pet
poodle in the parlor while receiving
calls on New Years day. and the cru
dite editor replied that. if her pet poodle
was the breed that wore only two legs
and 2 wealth OF ~shirt-collar, and SO
forth, he couldn't see any material OBJ
iections; but if the poodle WAS the gen.
uine four-footed article. she had better
keep it out of the Don or it might be
fatally frightened when the other poo
the other Jolly dogs called.-Norris-
tolcn Eernd.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29
Seven Wise Men Rallied.

The n. Y. Moraing Journal SAYS that
Mrs. f. G.. Kellogg, 50 E. s6:h ST., was par.
italy paralyzed, and lay for seven days in
commissions. Physicians were engaged and
discharged until seven had fail i to help
or curo her. She was unable t. leave hef
bed, AID was as helpless rs a ciiild. After
using all sorts OF saives, ointmentS, lotions
and plasters, her case was given up as
hopeless. She was induced to try st.
Oil as a last chance. She began to
improve from the time the irstapplica ion
WAS made. and by its continued use, sac
has completely recovered.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

My father had an eating cancer for sew.
eral years, which had eaten away bis under
lip and the inside Of his cheek, down 10 the
bottom of his gums. We got some Of
Swifl's Specific and gave him, and the
effect ias been wonderful-a,most mi -acu-
lous The sores are ali healed, and he is
perfectly well. Every one here said it was
only a question of time about his death,
and his cure has ere ated the greatest ex.
citement in this part of the country.
VIM. b. LATBRoF.
South Easton, Mass, Jan. Z, 1854.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29
Caution to Dairymen.

Ask for Wells, Richardson 6 Co.'s I'm
proved Butter Color, and take no other.
Beware of all limitations, ard of all other
Oil colorS, for every other one is able to
become rancid and spoil the butter into
which it is put. If you can not get it writ.
to Us at Burlington, VT, to nov where and
how 70 get it without ex ra expense. Thou
sands of tests have been made,a and they
always prove il the best.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

FROM Colonel c. H. Mackey, 32nd Iowa
Infantry: / have derived more benefit from
Ely's Cream Balm thar anything else l
have ever tired. / lave now been usin. it
for three months ard am experiencing no
trousle from Catarrh whatever. l have
been a sufferer for twenty years. G. H.
MACKEY, Sigourney, Iowa, Feb. -, 1882.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Ks.s go :, I ;::s,! :I a:;s: s S r. O. g. S |:
Extending to the end Of my toes and -
my braini
(Which made me deliri0usi
"From agony. :
"It took three men to hold me on my bed
at simesl
~The doctors tried in vain to relieve me-
But to no purpose.
morphine and other 0piates
"Had no effecti :
"After two months l was given up to de9
"When my vile
neard n aeighbor tell what Hop Bitiers had
& Jne for her, she at once got and gave mo
s,me. The first dose eased my brain and
seemed to go hunting through my system
FOR the pain.
"The second dose eased me 80 much that
I slept two hours, something l had not dOn9
for two months. Before I had used fv3
bottles, l was well and at work, rs hard rs
any man could, for over three weeks; but I
worked too hard for my strength, and tax
Ing a hard cold, l WAS taken with the mcst
acute and painful rheumatism all through
ny syc'SAA Siitts "oo v hhONus SSA~S
the doctors again. and after several weeks,
they left me a cripple on clutches for } fe,
as they said. l met a friend and told him
my case, and he said Hop Bitters had erred
him and would cure me. IpoOhed a. him,
but he was so earnest l was induced - use
them again. In less than four weeks /
threw away my clutches and went u work
lightly INT kept Oh using the bitters for five
weeks, until l became as well rs sry man
living, and have been SO for six year, since.
1t also cured my wife, who had bern so for
years; and has kept her and my children
well and hearty with from two % three
BOTTLES per year. There is TO ned to bs
sick at all if these titters are used.
J. j. BERK. Ex-SupcrvisOr.
"T7at poor invalid wife!
"Sister!
"MOtner.
"Or Daughter!
"Can be made the picture Of tealth WITT.
q few bottles of Hop Bitters!
"WW you k: them suGerf"
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29
A Messenger of Health,

Sent free to sufferers from nervous,
chronic and blood diseases, brain and heart
affections, nervous debility, etc. 1t tells of
wonderful cures effected by DR.. Scott's Coca,
Beef and Iron, with Phosphorus. Sold by
druggists; 81. DR.. Scott. Kansas City, Mo.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

A CoAT-TAIL filtration is the latest. A
wrinkled coat-tail bearing dus.ytoe-marLs
means: 81 have spoken to your father"
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

CAUTION.
Swift's Specific f. entirely q vegetable PREPARATION.
and should n II be COMPOUNDED with the various sub
S,irurrs intt afions p0u-scCret lUmbucs, "SUccus
n .;ans," ctc., etc which are now being man lfsct-
ured by various p rso,s None OF thee contain a
single article which enters into the competition of 5
S. 5. There Is only one Swtfts SPECIFIC and IN re is
nothing in the world like IL. To proven disaster and
disappointment, be sure 10 get the genuine.
Swift's ED ,c.iic Is q complete anttdote to Blood
Ia u-, Blood P,ison. M,Isral- Poison. AMI 5 IN
HumOE. j. DICKSON SMITH. NJ. D., Atlanta, Ga
Ih,ve had remark .ni. success with Swift's specific
in the Treatment OF Blood AMI Skin Diseases. and in
r male DISEASES. l look 1t myself for CfToancies
with happy effect.
used Swifts S2ecAc ON my little daughter. who
was afflicted with Some Blood FOLSOM WIKI. n had re-
sisted All sorts OF trcai ment. The Specific relieved her
permanently, and l sha ! use * in my practice.
We. BROsTE. NJ D.. Cypress Ridge. ARK.
to app icaniS-
SWIFT SPECIFIC 90. Drawer ), Atlanta, Ga
New York Once. 80 West Sd Street
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

BULwER was right; there is nc such
word as fail; it is Modified down into as.
signment.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

No MEDICINE has ever been known so et-
feCtual in the cure of all those diseases
arising from an impure condition of the
blood as SCovILL'S SARSAPARILLA OR
BLOOD AND Liver SYRUP.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

IT has been found that the termination
''atic" in the word 'lunatic'' and ''fanatic"
refers TO the upper story.-Chicag0 Times.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Acharming resolvent, a ma'chless laxa,
tive. an infallible nerve conqueror, is
Samaritan Nefrine.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

"BRowy's BRONCHIAL TRoCHEs" are ex
ceilent for the relief of HoarsenesS or Sore
Throat. They are exceedingly effective
Sold only in bo1eS. Price - cents.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

CAN the policeman who chases and
catches a Chinese criminal be said to be
the ASia,ic collarer?
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

"Mother Swans Worm Syrup" for few.
erishness, WORMS, const patton, tasteless. 25c
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

IT's mighty aggrava'ing to a prisoner to
hear the jailer whisiling: "Mo'ller keeps
the gate locked now."-BostOn Post.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

a MAN feels a pride in being spoken of
as zone of the oldest Inhabitants" but a
woman never does.-HOtel Mail.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Ten silver dollars in each v~eSt-pocket
will keep the vest down some.-N. !. Post.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

THE preferred creditor is one who will
wal. longest for his pay.-N. o. Picayune.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

sB.oating headaches, nervous prostration
and spinal weakness cured by Lydia Z.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Rev. Mr.. GREENFIELD, Of Knoxville
Tenn, says: Samaritan Nerciae cured
my SON OF epileptic fits"
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

"Rough on Corns." 15c. Ask for it. Com
plete cure hard or soft corns, warts, bunions.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Skinny Men. "Welis' Health Remover" re-
stores health and vigor, cures Dyspepsia, 81.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

An Oregon man wants to trade "A mule
for a wife. Some IN m never know when
they are well off.-Chicdgo Tribune.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

SALLIE WANDER is a hard girl to court.
She doesn't care for sparks.-IrOy Times.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

YOU should not tone your neiebbor, but
you may rock his baby.-N. J. Ne,cs.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

BAKERS are great loafers, but they are
generally high-bred men.-N. ]. hide
pendent.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

"Buchu-paiba." Quick, complete cure, all
annoying Kidney and Urinary Diseases, 81.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

DR.. WILLIAMS Indian Pile Ointment.
Warranted TO cure any case OF blind, bleed
ing or itching piles. At druggists.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Would it he correct TO say that a simple
boy was n siilabub:-ChicdgO Herald.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

Hale's Honey of Horehound and Tar
Cures coughs, bronchitis and consumption.
Fixes tootaache drops cure in one minute.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

REDDING'S Russia Salve Is unequaledf for chill
blains, chapped hands. frost bites, etc. Try it.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

IT is the gearing Of machinery that al
O"Rough on Coughs" 15c-, Mt Druggists. Com.
plete cure Coughs, Hoar seness, Sore Throat.
BEWARE Of the incipient stages OF CON-.
sumption. Take Piso's Cure in time.
The Red Cloud chief., 1884-02-29

VIZ ANTED-Mea and Women to start . new
w business at their homes. easily learned in An hour.
No peddling; Oc TO SOC an hour made daytime or even
ing. Send lOc for 20 samples to m work
on. Address H. q. FAX, Rutland, Vermont.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18

--..es are IamInar the worid rounu, were
Sam Wards friends, and were always glad
Of his companionship. He could read and
talk in all languages, had visited every known
country on the globe, and no man ever sur
passed him in the power Of describing what
had passed before his vision.
His blood was as good as that of the proud
est noble in England, and he traced his an
cestry back to the mythical times of the
Saxons. His great grandfather was one Of
the founders of Rhode Island, and his grand
father one Of the earliest governors of that
state. George Bancroft the historian, was
his tutor and prepared him for college, and
his first wife was the daughter of John
Jacob Astor, then the richest man in the U nited
States. by her lie had two daughters, of
whom he was very proud One of them died
in childhood, and he became widower soon
after. The other daughter married and in
heiited S, OO0, 900 as her mothers portion of
the great Aston estate, but when she
died, instead Of leaving her father for
tune she gave him pension of only 81 600 a
year, not enough to pay his cigar bills But
he made and dissipated fortunes of his own.
Several times was nc rich and poor, and no
matter how much money he had in pocket,
le was always as proud as lord and ten
times as generous.
Mr.. Ward came to Washington in 1865
soon after the assassination of Lincoln, and
remained there ten years He was flush when
he arrived, and at once entered upon q career
of diplomacy which made him a national
figure. His first endeavor was to reconcile
President johnson and the senators of his
party, and attempted to carry out his
plan on the theory that the souls Of
men are in their stomachs. His dinners
were bewildering in their elegance, and
his guests were the first men of the nation.
He failed in this undertaking, but gained an
acquaintance and an influence with public
men that caused him to be sought by those
who had legislation they wanted promoted
Then he entere upon the career of a lobbyist
and was the most successful man in this line
Of business Washington has ever seen He
received princely income from the great
corporations that were seeking congressional
aid, and he spent every dollar Of it in enter
tanning the men he desired to influence. He
had made human nature study, and had a
power over men which the most resisting
could not avoid or escape. lie could find a
weak spot in mans disposition and attack
it with unerrinG aim.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
Gresham and McPhersOn.

Washington Cor. Rochester Union
Gen. Gresham, the Postmaster general, was
subordinate Ia command to Gen McPher-
son, whom lie greatly loved. When Gresham
was before Atlanta, just day Or two prior
to its fall, he was wounded badly "a shell carry
ing away the iieshy part of his leg above the
knee. He sent ward TO Mcpherson that he
was disabled and had been ordered to the
rear. Mcpherson sent back a sinypathetic
message and escort and Gresham was
carried by a roundabout course to a point
where he received medical attention. When
he could be further moved, he was put into n
baggage-car on a stretcher, and alongside a
coffin which had been put in the car before
he it. He heard the men about him
talking sadly, and caght the remark that 1t
is too bad the general is gone" What gen
erali" asked Gresham. The men expressed
surprise that Inc did not know whose dead
body was 80 close by his side, and shocked
him by telling him that it was that of Nc
Pherson, who had been killed and had over
taken him on his way to the rear Gresham
reveres McPhersons memory, and New
York congressman, who found him sitting in
Mcpherson square, near the Arlington, q day
or two ago looking at the statue of the brave
man, tells us that Gresham frequently stops
as lac goes that way, and looks upon it as he
recalls the story of his life and death
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
Detroit Free Press. !

Detroit FTte TtSS.
An English scientist claims to be able to
sober n drunken man in one minute by new
application of electricity. If this be true we
are on the eve of a Transformation too far
reaching to be fully grasped at the first read.
ing Of this announcement. Take, for instance,
the great moral reform in which our temper
ance friends are now engaged. OF course
that object is not to interfere with Il mans
individual right to get drunk, but to
prevent the evils that he commits
while drunk. If, by the application
of electricity, he can be sobered in
one minute, it will only be necessary to pro-
vide every bar-room with dynamo machine,
or whatever it may be, and as soon as a Gus
toner shows signs of getting how-come-you-
so the bar keeper will attach his wires to the
mans coat-tail and turn on the electric Gu
rent This will enable the regular topper to
go through the Pleasant exercise of getting
drunk great many more times per day than
he can under ordinary circumstances, and at
the same time save the wear and tear upon
the bar-room furniture in the case Of demon
strative DRINKS.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
The Audacity Of Blur.

Virginia Chronicle
The best game of bluff i ever saw was
played a Jew months ago in Weiser City
Idaho a stray horse, which had been run
ming for several months within a short dis
lance of the city, was claimed and sold by a
salcon-keeper named &. \ stranger, who had
just arrived III the locality, hearing the cir
cumstances, procured a description OF the
animal, called on Mr.. c., and asked if he had
sold snch a horse.
q did" Mr.. c. replied
"By what authority" was the next query.
81 claimed him." sail c.
"Well, said the stranger, "there is no Us,
disputing about the matter. You claimed him
and | claim him. Wen just let jury decide
who he belonged To-"
Stop, stop" exclaimed c., "there is 10 use
Of that; if | made a mistake | am very sorry,
and am perfectly willing to make amends y
"Now, Mr. c. the stranger replel. don't
aggravate the defense by denying it, You
would stand far higher in my estimation
if you acknowledged that you stole the
horse"
WELL said c., "we won't quarrel Say
what you valued the animal at and FL pay
you"
Fifty dollars" was the answer
Five minutes after the stranger departed
with that amount in his pocket, having re-
ceived payment for a horse he never saw
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
THE KING OF THE LOBBY.
sam Wards Friends and companions
~ Phenomenal Career.

l"Curils III Inter Ocean.
No man about Washington ever knew
more people or had more friends than sam
Ward, the famous king Of the lobby, whose
eventful life. ended in Italy recently
lie vas not .oay tAe king Of the lobby.
but the emperor u bcn vivants and a mon
arch among conyersationalists As cook
or 4 talker he never was equaled, and his &C
quaintance extended from tho emperor Of
France ami the Prince OF Wales 10 the bar
ters aud boot lAcks Of Washington and New
York
Mr.. Ward used 20 get shaved in my shop
said Wa shington barber the other day,
land be was the finest gentleman l ever
knew
Whether in palace or howell Sam Ward
was always NJ home, and could adjust him
self with equal ease to any sort of circuu-
stances Chancellor Bismarck, the preseut
car Of Russia, the crown prince Of Ger
many, the Emperor Napoleon, the prince Of
Wales, Victor Hugo, Tennyson, Thomas Car
lyle. Gladstone. and hundreds men whosr
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18

PNSith
In wee srna' and very dark hours of Satur.
day morning Mr.. Blanks front door bel
rang violently. The worthy citizen went a.
once to the door, where be found his man
Michael in troubled state OF mind Michael
said that be had that night been blessed with
an addition to his family: that the doctor
called in attendance had demanded
immediate payrneu: for his services. Having
no money in the house, he had called upon
Mr.. Blank 70 borrow some Michael i'm
meiiately received what be wanted. and
with nrcfuse apologies for calling at such an
unreasonable hour, departed. The mex,
morning. Mr.. Blanks daughters. who had
heard the bel ring, asked who j. was that
called so lste, and they were informed
OF the circumstance @Poor little thing =
sympathst;cally exclaimed q b-igh. little
miss Of twelve summers; came c. Q. d -.
didn't itr
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
SPECIALLY JIM"

i@B. N" in The Century,
wus mighty good-lookin' when I wa
young,
Peert an black-eyed an slim,
With fellows a-courtin' me Sunday nights,
Specially Jiri
The likeiiest one of 'em all was he,
Clipper an hanson an trim,
But | tossed up my head AM made fun o tn,
crowd,
Specially Jim!
said hadn't no 'pinion o. men,
AM wouldn't take stock in him.
But they KEEP up a-comin' in spite O my talk
Specially jim!
] got 50 tired o. havin' 'em roun'
Especially Jimp
/ made up mind I'd settle down
An take up vita him.
So we was married one Sunday in church,
Twas crowded full to the brim;
Twas the only way to get rid Of 'em all,
Specially Jim.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
Underground Wires.

The Scientific American is in favor OF plsc
ing wires used for electric illumination
uader ground, because they are denonstra.
by dangerous when conveying current Of
energy. bat the telephone and telegraph
wires. that Journal thinks. should be allowed
TO remain overhead, il they are attachei &c
the roofs aIli walls Of houses instead OF being
string on .solsS The cost IL placing these
Wits Underground, Tao Scientifc American
thinks. would be % large tina: the companies
would, In consequence, De obliged to make
high rates foF service, and thus deprive
great many people Of the convenience sl.ch
lines Of communication AFFORD.
Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1884-1886, 1884-07-18
A Horse.Doctorss Threat.

"Pluneer" Walton, the American turfman.
who has won much money in England,
which he declares that he afterward lost try.
ing to keep the streets of New York clean,
has just been badly thrashed near London.
by horse-doctor whose bill he disputed, ami
whom he struck and called hard names The
"Plunger' threatens to have his revenge at
law, but the horse-doctor says that unless he
drops the affair lie Will station a little pony
Of his next 10 the rails on the race-couTse the
next time Giroae, the horse whom he cured,
is running. While undergoing treatment
Girone became very fond Of the horse doc
tors pony, and followed 1t about the place
romping with and caressing it. When she
sees the pony, he argues, she will stop. OK
change greetings with her pet and lose the
race. The ingenuity Of this is worthy Of a
hero in Charles Levers novels