The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1884-09-23
He Did I'm the Conductor.

Many are the stories going the rounds
about slick ways of beating the conductor,
some of them good, others excruciatingly
bad; some are improbable. while others
have an air of probability which gives
zest to their humor. That unproductive
element of American life, the tramp, is
usually selected as the nucleus for yarn
of this character, and an empty box car.
the trucks of the passenger, on the front
platform of the baggage car, is taken as
a foothold for both tramp and story. One
of these itiDerating mendicants got free
ride to Nashville from this city in first
class coach recently. and the way he did
it may add another story to one of the
classes mentioned above.
The idler in question was no common.
ignorant tramp, but one who had seen
better days." and used his brain in beat
ing his way. He was clad in a pair of
pants that, like their wearer, had not
been always thus" and which gave every
evidence of having once proudly and
tightly EMBODIED the ethereal legs of q
modernized Oscar Wilde. A natty little
Seymour coat, buttoned tight and cut
biased, managed to hide the waistband of
the pantaloons, while paper collar and q
dirty shirt hider completed the covering
of the body polite. On his head was an
old fashioned bell crown stovepipe, which
gave every evidence of having met and
been conquered by the smoothing iron on
more than several occasions. The fact
that it was perfectly round and sat on the
wearer's head and ears like bucket
proved that the present owner had but
recently come into possession of it.
He entered the coach like a man who
owned stock in the road and dropped into
seat next to window. When the train
started he took from his pocket a little
piece of cardboard, which he stuck in the
band of his hat. Presently the
conductor entered the car The mar
with the hat was interested in the
scenery and did not look round. When
the conductor got within two seats OF
him his interest in the landscape became
greater, and he struck his head and hat
out the window in order to get full benefit
The manipulation of the punch tapped the
scenery student gently ON the shoulder
with the usual request, Ticket please.
Like a man suddenly reused from deeI
reverie the passenger started and quickly
drew his head in. This operation wa
only partially successful, however, the sash
striking the hat and knocking it off hi
| head and out of the car.
What do you mean? You have lost my
hat! Stop the Car and let me get it at once
or / will sue for damages" irately re-
marked the traveller.
The train was going 40 miles an hour
and to stop and back would have caused
the loss of at least Is minutes. This wa
out of the question. The conductor con-
sidered and concluded he would not stop
He once more asked for the ticket. but il
a wild, hesitating manner, as if he didn't
know what else to stay.
my ticketf' didn't you see it stickin!
in the band of the hat you bunglingly
carelessly knocked out of the window
Oh, YOU have nerve. you havel But
shall report you to my friend Harahal
and have you dismissed, | shall Ant
the conductor passed tremblingly on hi
dreary way, while the man whose frient
was the generalmanager spread himself on
on two full chairs and took nap. When th
beat left the car at Nashville little sliE
of paper was found lying on the seat h
occupied. On it was scrubbed:
Mr.. Conductor this is old trix, bu
iawurked butiful, that hat cost fifty cts.
Louisville, which beat my way with. tn
fair is fifty and safe the 5. yours til
mex time. = Louisville Courier journal