The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1884-03-15
Paragraph Fiend.

Knee plus ultra--the ballet girls skirt,
Alone exhibition-Picture of an old
bachelor.
The Vassar girls favorite Roman hero
Marius.
What IL country for learning is this'
Even the water comes in volume,
When is butter like Irish children
When it is made into little pats
An exchange aays: "A widow shot her,
self in the oil regions the other day
Some men give according to their means,
and some according TO their meanneSs
Every dove has its cote and every dog
pants and every horse has a collar and
draws.
The man who ate his dinner with the
fork of river has been attempting to spin
mountain top.
There are few things in this world
more rasping than II file Of unpaid bills.
A duel is the quickest kind Of an en-
counter because it takes only two seconds.
Call me, thine own" she warbled; but
he said he didn't think he could do it on
seven spot high.
When you see counterfeit coin on the
sidewalk pick it up. You are liable to ar
rest if you pass it,
Real estate is said TO be good security
because it never runs away. This, how
ever, is not reliable. We have known
lands to slope before this,
There is good deal of human nature in
clothes wringers. A Kansas girl had her
hand badly squeezed by one lately.
1t is said the Apache Indian can raise
hair" quicker and more effectually than all
the nostrlms advertised in Eastern papers.
A colored barber in Idaho has drawn
the color line; he refuses to shave In
dams. He differs from the average post
trader in this respect
why, what's the matter this morning,
Tom" Caught cold that's all Yes, |
saw you after one last night with your coat
If | thought you'd catch it,"
The greatest olemargarine fraud yet per
petrated is the labelling the bucket with IA
Notwithstanding billy goat to Indicate gen
uine butter-AH0nta C0nstitutt0H.
A Vermont deacon, whose hen-roost was
suffering from depredations, upon being
called on in meeting to pray, arose and
prayed earnestly that the lord would have
mercy on that thief if ever he Che dca
com got hold of the fellow.
In the gardens of certain nobleman's
country house there happened to be fixed
up at different spots painted boards, with
this request please not TO pick the flow
ers without leave!n Some wag got II paint
brush and added an to the last word.
Where shall we find our teachers? ?"
asks an educational exchange. Well,
many of our sweet girl teachers may be
found sitting on sofas with nice young
men, any time after eight O'Clock p. NJ
Det,0W Pest
A recent advertisement reads rs follows
If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store
with a red head will return the umbrella OF
a Young lady with whalebone ribs and an
iron handle to the slated rooted grOcer'S
shop he will hear of something to his al
vantage, as the same is the gift of de
ceased mother now no more with the name
engraved on it,
Bismarck TriJuAe! Inplaying game of
seven-up with II young lady from ~, Paul,
q wicked Bismarcker told her that every
time she held the jack Of trumps il was
sure sign her lover was thinking OF her.
Then the impenitent tiend watched her
face at each deal, and every time she
blu she'd and looked pleased led out and
caught her jack
Never leave your clothes on the line all
night" remarks the household department
of an exchange Well, yes, it's better to
hang them over the back of IA chair in
your room Then if you should happen to
Overslcep "A few hours You won't have to
go-shinning round the back yard in the
daytime grabbing up your Niment-hos
tan Post.
They are practical with their temperance
in America. At a woman's temperance
meeting in New York lately, an old woman
got up to give her experience. 81 know
something of the evils Of rum she said.
Il have buried three husbands, and all
were hard drinkers But am glad TO say,
She continued, "that | didn't fight with
them. As soon AS ! found they would
drink | got them to insure their lives, and
now am well provided for
A rather neat retort was given in Il horse
car the other day. A young man Of dude
like appearance stepped upon a ladys foot,
and, instead of apologising for his inadver
tence, rudely stared al her rs though she
were at fault in having her foot in his way.
A gentleman would have offered his eX-
cuses," she mildly suggested. 81 know
what belongs to gentleman" he retorted,
with some asperity. Doubtless" was the
answer, but it evidently doesn't belong to
you" The young man did not pursue the