National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1884-01-07
WASHINGTON, Dec. G, 1888.
COL. GurRIppAu ON SKATES.
The Gentleman from Kentucky Sat Down
Upon nj the Rink.

Chicago Inter Ocean.
"I'll go with you all, sah," said Col. Gut
rippah. AZ used to be mighty fine skatah
when was boy, sah."
al didn't know that they ever had skating
in Kentucky, colonel" said the reporter
"That's whah you all is fooled, sah." re-
piled the colonel. ave all down Duh way has
just as good skating as you all up heah, sab,
only it don't last so long sab. They ice in
Kaintucky, when II does come, sab, is hahdah,
sinoothah, aud bottah in every condemned
mannah, fob all uses including skating and
mint iuleps, sab, than they common soht of
ice you ali has up hoah, sah Yes, sab, deed
! will go with you all and show they general
assortment of cusscd mechanics that will
doubtless he present how they business is done
in old Kaintucky, sab. Bet YOU all holm
of Bach Grass against q second hand wooden
tUothpick that drive everybody off they ice,
sah."
But colonel" said the reporter, this is
not ice skating. It's roller skating"
Same thing, sah," replied the colonel,
putting on mis- fur overcoat. "Any man who
can skate OH ice can skate on rollers, sab"
The above conversation occurred between
Col Gutrippah and the reporter at the Grand
Pacific hotel. The latter had stopped in to
thank Sam Parker for a standing invitation
to dinner, and, finding the colonel somewhat
at loss for an evenings Entertainment had
invited him to 20 to the roller skating rink,
which the reporter was obliged to visit in the
line of his duties
Arriving at the rink, the reporters badge
quickly gained admission and front seats for
himself and friend.
Fob they sweet love of Maud, sab J" ex-
claimed the colonel. docs you all do that
everywah, sahp"
"Everywhere' said the reporter.
Gust flash and go in, sah?"
eyes; but it won't pay restaurant bills nor
buy cigars"
Just then handsome couple came gliding
gracefully by on the smooth ashphalt, and the
colonel, starting up, exclaimed:
81 can't stand that, sab. must put on
they skates myself, and show these people
heah how we all do it in Kaintucky, sah"
Inconsistencies were unavailing, and the
colonel disappeared in the skate room. Soon
he emerged, stepping carefully along on the
platform, and, holding on by the railing, he
walked along to the flight of three steps that
led to the field, carefully descended them,
and, gaining confidence, stepped boldly upon
the polished surface. But his confidence was
premature, for the minute his weight rested
upon the gliding wheels they shot out from
under him, and he sat down with such force
rs to stop his watch, and, to quote the negro
song, it Made his eyeballs Jingle"
By this time hundreds of eyes were upon
him. and encouraging cries reached his ears,
which he took in good part and Us compli-
mentary to himself. lie rose to his feet
rather painfully, and with forced smile re-
moved his hat, but this destroyed his
equilibrium, and down he came again. This
time he was really hurt, and cast longing
eyes toward the stairs, so near and yet so
far. A couple of mischievous young men
came up, and lifted him to his feet. The
colonel was profuse in his thanks and in dec
larations of his ability to skate well on ice.
After cautioning him not to "dg in his
heels" the young men skated with the colo
mel for few strokes, then getting him well
balanced they gave him o shove that bid fair
to tako him across the rink. Tho colonel
kept his balance wonderfully well, and there-
porter was beginning to hope he would reach
the other side without accident, when an UNI
expected complication arose. A fat lady,
weighing something like $50 pounds, came
sailing along on an angle which must inevta-
bly, produce collision. The lady was look
ing over her shoulder at friend among the
Spectators and waving her handkerchief,
while the colonel was looking in the
opposite direction. The result was an
noying to both, painful to the colonel, and
produced shreks of laughter among tho
beholders. When the colonel became aware
of the ladys close proximity he vainly tried
10 stop, and to do this he instinctively
adopted the tactics of the old style ice skater
---ho dug in his heels The consequence was
that his feet shot out in front like catapults,
striking the lady's ankles, which naturally
upset her. The colonel fell fiat upon his
back, whIlo the lady, with wild shrek of
terror and despair, sat down with great force
upon his abdomen. The breath was COM
pletely knocked ont of the colonel while the
lady was too terrified to know where she
was, or even to move. A roar of laughter
from the crowd shook the rafters, and the
trombone player was SO overcome as to fall
oil his chair, got iuextricably mixed up with
his instrument, and completely ruined it.
"For the sweet love of Maud, madame"
said the colonel in u weak voice. will you
be kind enough to remove you alls weight
from my PROSTATE fOhm."
''E-e-e-e-ew shrickcd the lady, gathering
herself with reCoil that hurt as bad az the
first blow, and, rushing away to the Ladders
dressing room, she kicked Off her skates and
burst into tears.
The colonel rose slowly and painfully to a
sitting position, pulled down his vest, and
Strengthened his collar Then deliberately,
and with an air of determination, he took of
the skates and flung them with great force
across the rink. Taking tho reporters arm
he limped painfully out of the building and
all in silence TO the door of the hotel Then
he bent down and whispered in his com
,panion's ear:
~ nevah thought sab, that woman could
weigh us much rs a boss"