The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-02-14
Business in the Lime Kiln Club,

~ WOulU Respectfully announce,
said Brother Gardner, as the triangle
sounded it's closing note, ''dat de Rt.
Hon. Blackboard Scruggs am in de
aunty-room an desiahs to deliber his
celebrated lecktur' on de subjick of
CONS, chilblains and sich. Shall he be
admitted an purmitted?'
Judge Cadaver moved that the lectz
nrer be invited to speak his piece, and
The motion unanimously prevailed. The
committee was requested to escort him
in, and as he passed up the hall, blow
ing 10 the right and left, he seemed to
be a man about forty-tive years old,
bald-headed, mouth large enough to
take in i school-reader, with q promi-
nent nose and a limp to his left leg.
After being introduced he reached over
and drank the pint of cold tea which
Waydown Bebee had brought down for
his individual use. and beganl
TELLER NATIvEs:-My objick in ar
discuss a matter dat clusly consarns de
hull Guild race of dis kentry. De CO n
seems to be carniverous, omniverous,
an mighty familiar on short notice. 1t
lies down wild de rich, gifts up wild de
poo, an stands right by you widout
strikin' for higher wages. What
causes cons? In olden times de CON
was supposed to be speshul mark of
good luck. De feller who could show
six or seven of 'em on one heel was
made gub'nor ober province an al
lowed to keep half dozen dogs. De
little bunch was said to contain pearl
seventeen carrots fine, an people went
round cryin' an lamentin' bekase dey
had no CONS.
''In desc modern days we know dat
CONS am caused by a temporary sus-
penshun of de circulashun of the blood,
mixed wild mo- or less reackshun an
abrashun. So fur as we know de pearls
found on de inside can't be used for
fish bait, an am darfo' dead loss to
de kentry. When you heah any one
gwine around cryin' you kin bet spot
ted calf agin a peck of dirt dat dey
amt weepin' fur CONS.
'.De chilblain differs slightly from de
CON-" continued the orator, dropping
troche into his mouth. ''It doan'
bunch up an come to head in one
pertickler spot. While de CON am sat-
istied to cotch on to a toe an hang dar
fur month or two, de chilblain comes
purrin' round de heel, good-natured as
an ole cat. 1t kinder tickles ye fur q
day or two, an you step higher an feel
like takin' your ladder out of the poo
house. But while you am wishin' you
could buy 400 barrels of flour fur 400
widders an orphans dat chilblain be-
gins to hunt around fur mo- ground.
AFTER he kivers de heel he creeps for
to de instep, skulks to de toes, an fust
you know you am huntin' for butte
Jack and curryeomb. He has come
TO stay all winter an late into spring.
You can't coax, hire nor scare him
away. In olden days de chilblain was
supposed to arise from too much brains
in de head. De man who had 'em was
considered sort of doublc-ende1
statesman, an people looked up to his
heels as we'll as his head. In desc
times we know dat de chilblain am
caused by a sort ef spontaneous III lem
atic"l ,o.'. t:%,.: s!.Gn Cf &c epluerlnis
nj !, critical period. All dat brains has
TO do in de case am to invent a cure ful
d. complaint.
L had intended to disgress few
| trinslashuns on de subjeck of bunions,
tow-legs, sittin' down on a dog an
pic,in' up hot cent in front of sa-
loon, but L see dat de time allowed by
your rules am Almost dispired. Let me
add, in conclushun, dat l am purvided
wild box of knives, gimlets, draw.
shaves, pick-axes, acids, pincers an
razors, togeder wild d full supply OF
salves, plasters, wax, an so fo'th an
arter de close of de meetin' shall be
pleased to experiment on all members
free of expense. L will now remark
Catn solis catrGmter pluri6us Cicero tre'
mems sinetIi6as Gea1erGI Jackson, and
thank you for your needless attentions
to my unfeeling remarks"