Connecticut western news., 1884-02-13
WIT AND WISDOM.

BETTER three hours too soon than one minute too late.
 AVERAGE men walk; great men saun- ter; little men strut.
 WHEN gambler is doing good business he Is doing bad business.
 KINDNESS is the only charm permitted to the aged; it is the coquetry of white hair
 EVERY base occupation makes one sharp in it's practice, and dull in every other.
 A YOUNG gushing thing-the latest oil strike. That's why they call an oil-well "she."
 WHEN grim-visaged war isn't engaged in smoothing his wrinkied front, he af- fleets bangs.
 You may forget the name of the com mercial traveller, but you will never for get his address.
 TuE skeleton in the closet often turns out to be nothing but pair of superan- nuated hoops.
 IT IS stated that MT. Barnum is hav- ing a sign painted which will read ''This elephant is white"
 OF ALL our infrmities vanity is the dearest to us. A man will starve his other vices to keep that alive.
 GREAT men undertake great things because they are great, and fools be- cause they think them easy.
 WITH accustomed gravity Phila. delphia paper remarks that Frederick Douglass has arrived at years of disere- tion, and presumably knows what he is about.
 "YoUR husband always appears to be in very high spirits" "Yes," returned his wife, eff they didn't come so high I should have had a new fur sacque this winter"
 "I BOUGHT some stock in the - Railroad," said a man, "because my broker said it was a good buy" "And wasn't it ?" "Good-by to my money" replied the man.
 IT IS an i'll wind that blows nobody good. The breeze which fills your eyes with dust makes the open barrels of sugar in front of the grocery store weigh heavier. r.-Philadeiphia CaA.
 ADVICE to the young: Knowledge, economy and labor are the shining vir- tues of civilized man. They form the most enduring basis of society and the surest source of national and individual welfare.
 ONE of those things for which nobody has ever advanced satisfactory reason is why the homeliest man at the theatre invariably selects front seat and is con- tinually turning his face around so that everybody can see it.
 FANCY advertising cards have had their day. Business men are tiring of them. It is time. Their expense exc ceeded their value. Plain cards were always better, and for effective advertis- ing the newspaper columns are always best.
 TIE lectures of Joseph Cook suggest a story to the San Francisco Bulletin Sandy, what is the state of religion in your town?" Bad, sir, very bad. There are no Christians except Davis and myself, and I have many doubts about Davis"
 THE Czar blessed the waters of the Neya the other day, and followed it up by blessing the regimental colors. There is no record of his having blessed the Nihilists, but there is no doubt that he did so under his breath with great fervor.
 "M1ss GnrPs," said Fort Wayne lady to another daring a recent call, "why don't you join the Daughters of Temperance ?" "Cause," "Cause why?' ''Why--why-" was the blushing re. ply, "I intend to join one of the sons in month.
 A GIRL on exhibition at Chicago has ten fingers on each hand. If she ever gets married and allows them to toy with the hair of her husband in the usual marital way his mead is liable to grow bald in a single matinee. Tribune.
 II TELL you, Bill, no girl can fool me. If call on a girl and she doesn't say much and acts like she wants me to leave, and don't shake hands with me when I leave, and don't ask me to call again, it's very seldom I ever call back to see her.
 "PA, what are all these men doing ?" ''That is where the hotel burned down last night, my son" "But what are they digging up the ashes everywhere for Do they expect to find anything, | pa?" "Yes, my son, they are looking for the clerks diamond.
 A VERMONT physician who found n neighbor in the road too drunk to walk, and invited him to crawl into his sleigh, was astonished by the query: "Say, doctor, my family physician is Dr. -; do you think your carrying me home will make any difference?"
 "MY poor man" said the doctor, "you are dangerously ill. Is there any word you want sent to your friends?" "Am I really so ill?" asked the sufferer. "Alar, I can offer you no hope" "Very we'll, then" said the sick man ''iust telephone for another doctor"
 "How POORLY you look, Octave! They are right in saying that the young men of to-day are feeble. Look at me. l am thirty to forty years older than you, and l am as solid as an oak. I shall live one hundred years" "Oh, uncle !