Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-07-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

/ Have tried to scoop water out of the pools
With sieve instead of dipper.
New York Journal.
Always laugh at YOUR own Jokes. If
you want anything done well, do it
| yourself"
All red-headed girls are not from the
west, but they all have a color reddy
style about them.
Der reason Why dhere vas so many
big fools in der world, vas because
Everybody drinks he vas solomon.
doctor writes, asking the renewal
OF bill and says, 1--WE are in horri-
bic crisis; there is not sick man in
| the district
Lives of great men all remind us that
we have got to watch out very careful
! ~ If we expect to leave any respect
| able footprints.
| Never trust with q secret q married
man who loves his wife, for he will tell
her, and she will tell her sister, and her
sister will tell every body.
did Mr.. Yeast ever strike YOU as be-
ing man of great force?'' said COM
panion to young Crimsonbeak, the
other day at the club.
A municipal candidate whose prin-
cipal supporters are tavern-keepers
and shoemakers, proudly alludes to
them as members of the bar and bench.
A suburban correspondent writes to
| inquire the best method of raising
calves. 1t evidently never occurred to
him to ask his mother Y0RGers States
man.
''Just go over that scheme again."
said the bank cashier to q Spectator,
adding: ''Nevcr mind that old codger
who has just come in. He's only
Director
The following question is to be
WreStIed with by u country debating
society at its next session: Ii the Nor
mon who has eight wives buries one of
them, how much Of q widower does he
become, if any?
80 you say your husband loves you,
Mary?" ''Oh, he dotes wildly upon
me" Indeed; but he'll soon get over
that " ''What makes you think sop
Because men generally soon get over
sowing their wild dotes."
eve cannot" writes shrewd con-
tempory, Empress too strongly upon
all correspondents, when in doubt
whether the postage of 4 letter is q
penny or twopence, the force of the old
proverb, Two heads are better than
one :"
Conversation between q Yale senior
and an Oberlin senior: Y. S.: do you
play with tops at OberIin?' O. S.:
No" Y. S.: "Marbles?" o. S.:
NO" Y. S.: ''What do you pIay?"
0. S.: 'Copenhagen.
Husband (airily, they had just re-
turned from their wedding trip)-'f
I'm not home from the club by-ah-
10, love, you won't wait" Wife
(quietly)-'No, dear"-(hut with APP
palling firmness-'I'll come for you!"
He was back at 9:45 sharp.
If man is getting shaved in bar
ber-shop, and fly alights on his nose,
and he gives his head a twitch to re-
move q fly, during which the barber re-
moves a slice of the mans ear who is
to blame-the man, or the barber or
the fly, or the ear, or the razor?
A lady reader writes to say that she
has been losing her hair recently, and
wants to know what she shall do to
prevent it. Either keep your bureau
drawer locked, OF else discharge the
hired girl and get another of COM
pleXion different from yours.
A writer in the North american Re-
Vie1O narrates several interesting in
stances of the illusion of memory. If
instance of the illusion of forgetful-
ness is wanted, Mr.. Ferdinand Wards
doings and declarations will furnish
enough of them to fill the ReUie1O for
year.
Little Nell Mamma, what is color
blind?'' Mamma Inability to tell
one color from another, dear" Little
Nell-'Then dess the man that made
my S geography is color-blind." Mann
ma-''And why, pct?" Little Nell
"'Tause he's got Greenland painted
yellow"
In New York q woman is paid six
cents for making q shirt, and the pa
pers speak of it as an outrage. Yet
here in Vermont q woman not only
doesn't get q cent for making a shirt,
but thinks herself mighty happy if her
husband doesn't swear like parrot at
the way it fits.
The organ Of the bachelors is wor-
ried to find out why woman will
spend six weeks putting scallops on
her dress that nobody but herself will
ever get q glimpse of, and then run
about the neighborhood in an old dirty
wrapper without any belt and every
other button burst off,
Leaving home this morning for the
office, we kissed our little four-year
old good-by, saying to him: ''Be good
boy to-day" He Somewhat surprised
us by saying: Il will. Be good man,
papa" Sure enough, we thought. We
need the eXhortation more than he.
As they were trudgiug along to
school 5-year-old Boston miss said to
her companion, lad of six summers:
Were you ever affrighted at the con-
tiguity of 4 rodent?" 'NaY, forsootn,"
he replied; Il fear not the justaposi-
ton OF the creature, but dislike its
alarming tendency to an intimate pro-
pinquity.'