Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-26
WIT AND HUMOR.

A fellow screws his courage to the
sticking place when he puts 4 postage
stamp on written proposal of mar
riage.
Philadelphia refuses to admit wo-
men to the bar, but the saloons Will
sell to th.m if they bring 4 pitcher to
| the back gate.
Platinum wire has been drawn so
fine as to be absolutely invisible to the
eye Politicians ought to make good
customers for the article.
81 thought you were a flame of Miss
Bullion, Mr.. Dood." said Slim. i
thought SO too, " said the other, until
the old man put me out one night"
There are numerous new STYLES of
parasols displayed this Spring, but all
will be worn just high enough to take
out the eyes of reckless pedestrians.
'I'd hate to be in your Shoes" said
woman, as she was quarreling with
neighbour. You couldn't get into
them, sarcastically replied the neigh
Dor.
A Western paper describes the com
ing of famous whirlWind as ga cloud
like a mans hand, which soon deYel-
oped to the dimensions of Cincinnati
girls foot. =
If you want suit of good fitting
clothes, 90 out to the store that adver-
tises English clothing a speciality"
and then 90 somewhere se.-NorrGS-
torn Herald
A belle, who six months ago was so
i l., IL
port herself at the altar, now throws
fat-iron fifty-six feet, and hits her hus-
band every time.
The young woman who bites her fin
ger-naiis and kisses her pug dog on the
nose would fall in a stony faint at see
ing her father nip piece off the butter
lump with his own knife.
"Gentlomen of the jury" said Te-
cumseh lawyer the other day. There
were just thirty-six hogs in the drove.
Please remember the fact-iust three
times as many as in the jury-box, gen
! tlemen."
Bald men need not despair. An east
ern patent-medicine man is advertising
| for bald-headed men who will allow
the advertisement of his new self-as-
sorting pills to be painted on the tops
of their heads.
A Mexican paper publishes story
about q wild boy" We suppose the
boy couldn't raise so cents to 90 to the
circus. Nothing will make a boy
wilder than to hear the band playing
and the clowns singing from the out
side Of the tent.
An Indiana school girl, rejoicing in
| the sad, sweet name of Duddie Dubbs,
has run away from home, and the dis
| tracted detectives are as badly lost as
Duddie seems to be. If girl with
such a name rs that really is lost
in the woods, it seems q pity to find her
again.
The New York Tribune says that sin
the United States to-day no man of
ability need stay at the bottom OF re-
main poor" To which the Rochester
Democrat responds, This is clap
trap" OF course it is. Ten thousand
newspaper men are ready to swear to
it.-BatfaJo E1press.
A society has been formed in Hart
ford, Conn, to provide harmless
amusements for young men. 1t is
known as the Union Recreative Com
pany, and has a capital of $40, 900 in
"a shares. It will charge for lunches,
tobacco and billiards, but will have no
Intoxicating liquors or gambling.
A Kentucky paper alleges that new
counties are created in Kentucky for
two purposes: For the benefit of the
landholder who wants county seat on
| L., f., So1. Of Lot -
fellows who want to fill county offices.
Thus it seems that Kentucky is not at
all in advance of other parts Of the
world.
One of our young men went into a
cigar store the other day for few of
his favorite brand, and as the German
Countess handed him his Henry Clay"
over the counter he observed: 'Henry
Clay is dead" '.Ish dot SOP" replied
the tender-hearted girl. 81 yos SO eor-
ry, for he did make goot cigars. oil
City Derrick.
Enraged candidate-'' Thought you
were going to vote for me?" ''Who
said SOP" You did, ''Oh, well, /
told you so politically. Some time ago
you slandered an opponent and excused
yourself on political grounds. In bus
mess you ight regard my action as
dishonest, but in politics, my dear fell
low, no man of sense ever exercises his
honor. Give me light, please"
Mother" remarked the Prince of
Wales, Il h'addressed the 'ouse of
Lords yesterday hin regard to the con-
dition of the poor in this city. Some
thing Taught to be done" Yes" re-
piled the Queen. Il ham taking steps
in that direction myself What do
you hexpect to do for the poor?" in
terrogated the Prince with a look of
! surprise. Il ham goin' to give them
500 h'of my new books for nothing"
Foreman: ga dreadful thing has lust
happened in the shop, sir; one of the
workmen has just committed suicide!"'
Employer-''W (Which one?" Foreman
'Bligsby." Employer ''BIigsby! The
deuce you say! Why, I paid him this
weeks pay in advance to accommodate
| him oDd born If iS 0n1V Fridavi T cho11