davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07
NEVER roo LATE TO TAKE.

us, after ihe bank had suspended, tAe pfes,den. w4s s,andlng on the steps when a man came up and asked
 Bank busted 7"
 "Yes." sadly replied the preaideni.
 '' Won't pay any Haose money oss, ! suppose ~
 No"
 Well, l didn', want to draw any out. Thought that il the bank wxsn't too far gone would make dsposii."
 Certainly, sir. certsiniy"' unloe king the door. Step right in and can ae- commodass you
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07
DESTRUCTION.

"Lcok er heah, Abe" said old Siias. ' Whs, de matter wid all dese banks bfeakin' all ober de eountryN
 "Doan' yer un'eusan. maaf 1 heahs talk bout de banks, but knows all esbout IL lfs de high water, Slias. De freshsss all ober dc country hsb caused 'esa ter cave in. Some mighty fine plan 'ssion' is dun gone in de ub<s an blame ef knows whar de 'ssruction Is gwine ter stop
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07
VOL 5. NO. 2.
TIME TO STIR.

De cotton needs serApin an de eo'n's in de weeds,
 Better stir fore it's too late. Pat sr side yer 'iigion and ye: hAllelujah creeds.
 Better stir fore i,'s too fate De preachers mighty keen fur fer hab yer sing an pray,
 Better stir fore it's too late. Ba, his mule is mighty ion O de fodder an de hay.
 Better stir fore ir's too laie.
 Chop up de grass.
 Pull up ds weed, Sing, CT high Tom. CT hoe cake an
 CT big ehuAs CT bread,
 It's now de wus; pass
 Whui eber wuz seed, Sing, CT high Bill, CT ginger cake, yer
 heah me ~hut l see De young punkin choked by de ma~nin giory vine,
 Better stir fore ls's too late, Al te sim Tins needs CT xoSxin oh. de bery ~us kline,
 Better stir fore i,'s too late De bottom lan's CT steamin. ar dc hills CT get,in' red.
 Better stir fore it's too late A. fore de sun's ri-, yer mus hussle ou;en bed.
 Better stir fore i:'s 100 ll.-.
 Chop up de grass.
 Pull up de weed, Sing, CT high Tom. er hoeeake an
 CT big chunk CT bread,
 It's nos de wns pass
 Whut eber waz seed, Sing. CT high Bill, CT gnger cake,
 yer heah me whut sed.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

DECORATION day was largely observed in Little Rock Roses were scattered over confederate and federal graves. The Grand Army of the Republic and the ex-conSederate soldiers marched ia for- getfulness of former strife, bu; with ten- der memories of the dead Over the buried gosy shirt of the south, anA the bloody shirt of the north, Aoased the 6ag of united devotion.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07
WITH FOUR LETTERS.

" Father" said young man who had charge Of the paragraph department oi college magazine, '' Fals,zf was a yery fat man, wasn't he!r
 "Yes."
 He was what you might call cerpu- lent, wasn't he 2"
 -Yes, he was oorpuient."
 @Corpuience sounds big, but il can be spelled with four letters, can, ii?-
 No, if can't. Have you lost zu your sense ?"
 @Oh, yes, it can. What's the matter with b ( tT'
 The father will bring suit against the college for d~Arhng his sons mind.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

The young man, fl he voaid ssy any ihing embodying a moral truth, must say ii in the form of ofhumososs Eghsness, Ies. by older thinkers, he be regarded aa up- start. Old men sometimes hold the knob oi tn ,ughs so keep the young man from opening the door.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

Is ,s said that Henry Irving viii pre- side ss the annnxI dinner of the Dramatic, Masicai and Sick Fund- Dramatic and musical features may characterize the occasion, bat the sick" will eome nexf day.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

The enterprising drummer has ever lastingly captured the country hotel. If there be but one piece of ice, it is kept '' fur dat drummer whut Is 'spected dis ebenin, sah.' and if there be bu, one pint of milk haster sabe hit for CT drummer, sah.' The room which pleases the candidate, and which he would like to occupy, is reserved for drumming gentleman who is expected this evening, sir" The hotel, though, is TO more Of a friend to the drummer than the drummer is to the hotel, for if the commercial gentleman were not on the road, shekels would be rather s scace with the proprietor of the country hotel
 A candidate for reelection to the office of coroner, said My fellow-citizens, point out the time when l have failed to cheerfully sit on corpse You can't do it When l shot the county judge. didn't tell how he came to his death without mmoning jury and thereby stretching the indebtedness of,he county 1. Was not this self-sacrihce? l ask you, fathers and brothers-yeoman of stub born soil-wasn't this an act of financial patriotism! have been so careful not to be of expense to the county that, on one occasion, when 1 saw a man floating down the river, let him float on down and land in the next county. Was no, this devotion to the people van, this office again, fellow-citizens. net because it is particularly hilarious, but because there is considerable quaint humor and dry fun in the position. Gentlemen, would rather sit on a corpse than in an uphol- stered chair. am devoted to the cause, and there is not a man within the hearing of my voice, no matter. how much opposed he may be to me, whose body would not sit on with the greatest pleasure and child-hke forgiveness of psss differences. 1 vin make broader assertion Ivculd cheezfuliy, yea mirthfnlly, sit on the corpse of my oppoeent in this exciting race IL is unnecessary for me to remark fAat am no summer coon"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

At what age asks mesaphysioian, does man cease to grow mentally - Some men stop early, but others con- tinue to learn. There IS General Grant, for instance. He knows more now than he did las, year.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

Whut papers must l 'stIoy, boss s' asked oolored man who was !" cleaning up" the editorial room of '" humorous '' paper. You must exercise care,r the editor replied, !" but be sure 10 burn all the marked copies"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07
LIMNINGS.

The Chicago .Sas says ,ha, it is time to tic up the hen. No, necessarily. Ben Butler does TO, contemplate visi, to Chicago.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

American humos: A harrow has 10 trouble in cutting iss teesh.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-06-07

"Doan like ter talk erbous if, honey,
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

oi his grief until negro policeman came up and asked
 "Whus yer cryin' bout. gennesman ?"
 Why. sir" exclaimed the author. | have just killed Nat Hummer"
 .Yer's de man I'm lookin' fit den. ' He seired the novelist. and deaitc esplan- atlon, conducted him to the stat,on-house and locked him in cell. The morning paper contained a thrilling account os the arrest ot Mir. Wexon. on the he,aous charge of murder. and declared ,ha, there could be no doubt abou, his guilt, as the unfortunate man. eraaed by rsmorse, had made confession to ofticet Teglet, the efficient policeman who had desec,ed the crime and drawn the guilty party into the folds of justice. The affair vas soon es- pia,ned. but the novelis, thinks tha, he has been damaged to the amour, of ten thousand dollArs
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
POOR FELLOW.

There exclaimed Ms. ra,,ie. .' you leit the ink-ssAnd on the table and 1 have turned |. ever and ruined the carpet"
 Well" replied the husband. "~Ay didn't you leave the ink stand ou the table and not turn II oset"
 None ot yous ioul pvn.. William. I'll crack your head w,th this dusses. I'd luss as leave do Il as no, Here | have to scrub. scrub. scrub, all the ,,sne and we never have anything t, to look al"
 When you have completed yo,s ,.,ade I'd like to say
 Trade :" she snapped. IL, enough to make anybody swear do ,h,ak tAa, you are the mos, careless ard good.tos- nothing man ever saw"
 " I'd like to say. in case eonven.eas season should roll around. tha, l have been anIussiy asaa.ied."
 "Ueisssiy assAiied '' she ho~ied. "i ought to drive you of she place. Jas, look A, sha, taspes Ruined All on ac. eoun, oi your tooI,shness "
 lt you are ready. madam. 1 vii, make a casual obseHs sstion. This morning. you asked for my ink 1 told you that |, was on my aeak You put |, oa the table aad wrote she note which you have jus, ssns down town. 70 you see. had nothing h do with the performance.
 Well. dont care. ex lAimed the poos woman. bursting into tears. ''n vas lua like you ,o leave Il there You are always leaving thing, where they doa', bsloag am grea, mind to declare tha, won, live with you another day"
 |" What have done r''
 "Whas h it you haven't done s''
 Unable longes to bear her burden sf ErIet, she went into the adjoining room and sobbed An hour later while her husband sa, reading his paper. soss arms stole around hts neck. tender lips pressed his forehead, and swees voice sad
 Am 90 very bsdf'
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

wid me by burnin' and pinchin' me. I'd lay d"wn by de ais an blow my bref on it. One day, while feelin ober de preshus thing. l foun' das il was pipped. whut Joy filled my heart. Arter dis I went ou, wid more grace ter git my rashuns O punishment, bu, didn't ls: de ~:.ehss sec dat vuz hope up. Putty soon de chicken ha,ched. How did keep it hid, an how fed i. on bread crums. One mornin' heerd de ole queen say, put on de big kettle. an we'll scar dat feller ter death.' Dis wus mighty bad news, ease de chicken want big ernufi, but had ter make de trial, so killed de pol little thing, picked de meat ofien it's pully-bone, an had jes' finished de job when de witches come arter me. Clampin' de bone on my nose. sprung up. neber seed sich CT scat terin' in my life. Some Q 'em run ergin de rocks an busted dar heads open. Dc ole queen heerd de noise an stepped outen her dark corner. Den she flung up her hans an hollered so loud dat de biz rock fell erway rum de cave door.: an maxim CT break, run out inter de passage an wuz soon inter daylight
 Didn't you get the gold !' asked the boy.
 Bless yer life, wus so keen ter git away rom dar dat neber thought erbout de gol'. went back, but neber couP i'm de place. Oar now, dat 'spe- rience is wuth CT hole plate full O cab bage. Run on ober dar ter de house now an hab my name put inter de pot"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
DIED OF THE WEAKNESS.

During the cholera season Of 1875. a French physician in Nashville declared that he never lost cholera patient. Shortly afterwards, having gained some notoriety by this assertion, he was sum moned to attend man named White. The neighbors were anxious tc see the re- suit of the Frenehman's treatment. and whenever the doctor was seen leaving Whites house, numerous inquiries were propounded.
 "Iiow is your patient, doctor" was asked one morning.
 "Ze man is dead"
 "What! thought you never lost case of cholera?'
 :" Zis was ze first case had. You no. expect a man to lose one case before he git him. cure ze man of ze cholera, bu, he die of ze weakness"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
PATRIOTISM.

Ba1thoiomew Lagsoa, an old negro yell known in Arkansa~ politics. vas asked his opinion Of the presidential cam. psign.
 Wall, ssh,' sad he. "i'se thought 'bou, d,s matter CT good cal. an is nov forced ter dc 'eiusion dat somebody's gwlnc ter get beat. l, didn' look dis way ., iuss. but q ds campaign hab been pssgresssn. dis fAck hab come es tsosiis' erioag. ksspsn- s,xA, up wid ds addss features O de raoer
 wha, do yos think of blaine.' .''
 He's q mighty inc snsa. sah, ds bss' man whus de 'publicaas/ eouIdsr put up. He ,os,s q migh,yhns head reus' wid him"
 What do you think of ClsvslAad v
 ~waii. sah, he's moassous 6ns man, de bes' one whut ds demmsrczss ceuldss put up. Toass sushin' mighty solid os has shoulders."
 Which do you think wiil be elected y'
 Nov, heAh. you nesdn' say da, lss mentioned de sabJeek. an gin de thing erway, but da;'s dc le4din' pm, in de whole shing"'
 "Of course ii is.'
 !" Dat's wuf say. ii's s lsAdin' psas. an one das aint gwisetef be settled teii sometime airter dc Teciion."
 Which one ol the candidates is your choice =
 Sh-e-s. doan' open yer nouf dss way ergia- Pse gos my eye on es possoffiee down hexh in ds country les tell me de man vhuf woui' be de mos zp' ter gin me de office. an i1i ssii ger which ons Ice fur"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
COOL

By love, nos doat you knos the boys tn this country are cool" said the earl of Linsdale, vho h nov visiting Arkanss~. IVY, the other day was out here in the hills, an seeing a boy chopping wood, approached, sa, down on . stone and began a conversation"
 @' How ioag have yos been living here. sonny!
 @' Ever since was bora
 "'How old are you s'
 I'm the youngest In the family, 'cep, Dick, an he's dead
 "sAre there many rssslesnakes in ,his neighbofhoods ?"
 "'Wali, CT few.
 "' I'd like to zee one
 "Wsii, jes' look thar behind yer and by love, looking around saw bloody reptile Jus, ready 10 fassen his teeth .n me. On. fhe boys here, are cool don't yoa kno.."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
WANTED TO KNOW.

q" wan, to know." said polite al ed- ltor to the conductor of presumably hu. morous paper, fl you think you can de- libesateiy sit down and wnte someshing to amuse the public , l, seems ,o me that your position is rather presamp,aous. and that you humos,sts are men of grea, vanity
 Well. nos" replied the humoris,. @i van, to know fl you think ,ha, you can si, down and write something ,o ,n- struot the public it seems to me that your position is rather p.esump.uous. and that you political esii,ou are men oi great vanity"
 "isut, sir. we do no, try to make the public laugh"
 No, you strain yourself to gay some thing that may have the sound oi states man-like expression. You turn old ideas over and over, you blacken a man' $ character. and regard your disetedi,Abie york piece of wisdom. You harvest all kinds of tricks and make personal abuse supply the place of argument The hu- morris, may fail to amuse a man. bu, he does mol attempt to taruish his good name. The well conducted humorous paper n clean. Your strictly political sheet is vulgar Your saies depend ou the depTavity os msn. Murder mean, money; scandal is gold. Of course ysa mus, give all the new. bu, why should you make speciality of the sensational Bound to do Il to keep up, ehy Well then, you Assist each other in feeding the public mind with the horrible details O crime. Don't condemn the humoroai papers. Nearly all of them. like the fa maa. 6il generous space in life
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
HAD NOTHING.

Have you anything to-day that you can send out to the Charity hospital! = asked man stopping at house and ad- dressing lady.
 "I1l see in a minute" replied the lady, and turning she asked the cook What did you do with that spoiled 5read!"
 Flung is in de siop."
 @No, ve haven't anything today" said the lady.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
THE BRIGHT SIDE.

Better lsok on de bright side O life. Praise Mars Jesus in de mawnin'.: Laugh al yer trouble an smile at yer strife, Oh, praise Mars Jesus fore day. It's de thoughts O de debi! da;Ti make CT man groan. Praise Mars Jesus in de sawnin'. An it's him whui puts rheumatism in de bone Oh, praise Mars Jesus wid CT lay. Bad men CT rlshin' ter de jaws O Good men CT s;Andin or de per
 fame hill,
 Sinner mans CT wringin' O his hans an CT bl'arin, Fur he's gwine ter be groun' in
 de debl's mill.
 Sing CT hi ho, whar yer gwine
 Moses.
 Hetch de chillun. Toney. an
 CT blow dar noses. De Lawd doan' ax no mar fur ter snutae, Praise Mars Jesus in de ma~nin', Ra,her see him hop an e cut de double shuttle,
 Oh, praise Mars Jesus in de night. King David danced ease he WEE so glad Praise Mars Jesus in de ma~nin'. Wouldn ter danced CT bit ef he hadder been mad,
 Oh, praise Mars Jesus wid yer mgh;. De debil am CT reachin' out way o'er de lan
 Wid his brass hooks tipped on
 ce eend wid fire He's CT grabbin' mighty hard fur ter ketch de holy ban', So, bruders, let us clim up jest
 CT little higher.
 Sing CT hi ho, pluck de bright
 roses.
 ke,ch de chillur July Ann
 blow dar noses.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
THE UNLucxY ONE.

Colonel Crebsou hired an Irish coach man, and upon the first oceasion of dnv- ing out, the hosses ran away and sprained the colonel's ankle. The next time, the carriage turned over and broke the colonels arm. He was carried to a sur geon's office, and during the process ol setting the bone, the colonel turned to his coachman and said:
 "Ah, Dennis, see that you are an un- lucky man?"
 "Divil bit of it, sor. I'm all right. It's yersilf that's unlucky."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
THE DANCER OF IMITATION.

A rather istessstiag lawssis has Juss bssa brought against the city q L,uie Rock by Ar. wiibsriy Wexos, the
 anahas. Ms. Wezoo, iks all great men, kAs . few weaknesses vhich so exhibit sssms to give him great pleasure At rrssess hs is working oa novsi. and, h inuitseioa of Dicksss, talks se she char sc1aE Whiis sistiag in his room the oshsr night, he remembered thas Thack- cray esce. whsn as,sd why hs veps, re- piieds hays just killed Ceieael New csm,S Mir. Wszpn me1iezssd over thiA
 He kilisd oee of his leading chssscters, vsnt out and began 70 "snuh1e," in the hope shat some ose would ask hin what vas the matter. No ose took asy notice
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
COULDN'T HUSH.
Lady Who condeseends to do Housewors.

"091G&CtA
 One of the most annoying faults of the hised " oolored lady" is her persistent disposition .c talk ahou, the affAirs os her own family. Sometimes. despite every attempt at Encouragement. she will be gin a story, of which her brother is the hero, and keep it up until patience Is gray-hained with age. Mannda Ma poleon applied to Colonel We,hessll for a position of trus, in h,s family. She be- gan to tell him of her honesty.
 @That makes no difference" said the coloael. "l doat care whether you arc honest or not, and you may be reason ably negligen. in the discharge oi your duties, but there is one thiag thai wish to impress upon your m,nd."
 -Wha,s dat. colonel. case ken do anything?"
 "l do not wish you to take me into your confidence and tell me about your family. don't want to hear a word about your mother and ia,her."
 "l understands, sah. !" will pay you extra ts keep your mouth shut. Speak when you are spoken to and then merely answer direct ques. tionx."
 "Wy, sah, dis is de place dat l'se been iookin' fur all dese years. 'spises folks dat is allus wan,in' CT pusson ter tain dem wid couwessAiios, case CT body gets tired. Nov, dars my sister Jane, she's de uddes way an'-" But you are not to speak of your famiiy.'
 "Das's de pint, sah dats ds pint. l worked las year fur Mir umson an de folks kep' me CT ,aikin' all de time, an muddsr she tell me no, ter pay no ten ton ter de folks"
 Never mind all that. don't care to hear anything of your mo,her. don't want you to mention your family while you are in this house."
 "'Cose yer doesn's, sah, an doesn't blame yer CT tall. De las word my bruder Henry said ter me fore lef dis mawnin', wul ter gin me vice how ter please de white folks. Heny he's CT faberite all down in our neighborhood. Worked fur ole man Dismukes three years, an wouldenter quit den 'cept dc ole man died an ernuder pusson tuck de place. Henry's de fnes' han wid horses yer eber seed. Da, olaybank hoss O Mir Anderson's whu, wouldn' les nobody go in d. stable--"
 "Say, Marinda, you"
 ls's ies' like tell yer. Dar wa'nt a hlassed soul on dc place dat coul' do nuthin' vid dat hoss, an Henry-"
 Lisssa to me, tell you :"
 "Yss, sah. Whu, wu1 yer bout to ob sarvep
 q told you that wanted to hear noth- ing about your family. see, though tha, you are like all the otkesA Go on"
 "Yas, but Henry he tuck a blin bridie--"
 Stop"
 "Didn' yer tell me ter go onf'
 -Yes, tell you to go on away from here. don't want you"
 "Whut yer gree ter hire me fur, den Ain't my s'cissy pieasln' ter yerT
 You can't keep youf mouth shut asd doa't want you. Leave here"
 "W'y, yers ds cuisest white pusson nebes seed. Doan' kere ter stay hezh
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
PLANTATION PHILOSOPHY.

Dc man dat ~oald beat hoss would beat chile. bot Ae ~osIdn's beat grows pusson, case he's aisesd.
 Oar mzy bs soms msn dsa is o aoass' dai ds wouids' assi to kssp from seasvin'. bst somsAow l vosidn' trust 'em b ny smoks heuss 70 quichG dss ] veald maa whus an hasdly = hsssS.
 
 Ds hsan must be in = issgh tss naake it true. Ds dsy has, ks~ . = mas vAse woald iiks isr yss tr tAink dst hss inss- cent e aay schemes ksia' fsel -. De lssgh vkss is true nus' hab . ter nsixel in vid t.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

Cable dispatch "Masy Andesson is sill weeping over the grave of Juliet. When interviewed, said that she did not think the york vosld be oompleasd b. fore day ahex to-inouow.v
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
PUT ON.

The cruelty of womaa's erisicism some imes goss bsyosd iife. Did you ever sse . more natural corpse than Mn. Podsoe r ssked . lady of . friend. Such cossented smile.r
 @Cossssssd smils," !" repeated the friend It vas n pss os."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

I'll have so take your isg of" said . physician to . man vho had hsea is- Jused in a railway accident. ANeveS mind your chlosoisnm, doctos," ssplisd the maa. "l vas osce governor q Ariansaw ard can stand anyshisg."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

WILLIAM BLACK, h yolasds," spsaks of . maa shahisg q tho.sh hs ~ese ia the eBip q . viss. Asyshing h fhs grip q . vise, Ms. Blsek, is sst iiisiy to shaks vesy seckisssiy. 4 vise h rsshss . ciose communionist.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
4 WHISPER.

An, Mr. Hebbleson, hear that you have been called to the ministry"
 @Well, can hardly term it . cali. They only offer me Eve hundred year. Sort of a whisper, you undexsaand."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

The White House has red room and blue room. During theatrical sessions of the cabinet it no doubt has green room.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

The name q Hsyss has bssa rescned kom sbiivioa- \ ssssA, jsse tkis sids q the Nossh nole, has ben named fpr him.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

The Creoles say that Cable, the novelist, misrepresents them. They talk as though they had sent the gentleman to the legis- lature.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26
LIM NINGS.

It is said that beer produces heart dis ease. Too much of it has often produced heart ache,
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

The newspapers say tha: the recent session of congress was failure. Fit1 John Porter no doubt thinks so.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

The Arkansaw pine lands have become immensely valuable. Would not re- duction on the lumber tariff hurt this growing interest!
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-07-26

It has been some time since the public has seen anything from the realistic pen of Mir. HowellA He is doubtless at work though, producing monosyllabio respon- ses for his Boston characters.