davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
His Birthday Present.

When Mr.. POpperman threw of his
eyercoat last evening his wife said;
MY dear, This is your birthday. Now,
What kind of present would you pr e.
fer p
We'll. money
That's just the kind Of a present l
have for you,' and Airs. Popperman
took from beneath her apron plethoric
bag, aud emptied upon the table pile
OF jingling coins. There's your BIRTH
dey present.
The husband looked at the CONS 10
smezement, and then said:
Why my dear, this money Is no
good. There Is nothing here but lead
quarters and dimes with hole in 'em.
Here's quarter with a hole IN it, and
the hole is bigger than the quarter
What confounded rascal pal ned that
money on you? Oh the scOundrels
there are 10 the world y
Calm yourself my dear said Mrs.
Popperman. That money must all
be good. That's what you've given
me for pin-money SINCE we've been
married =
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
What Nobody ever saw

A white elephant.
A happy old bachelor.
A woman climb tree.
A gas -meire look tired.
A modest Chicago drummer.
Jay Gould speculating in stocks.
An untitled Kentucky gentleman.
A policeman when you wanted one.
A train late when he was late him
self.
A woman's rights woman airt With
dude.
The ankle of a thirty-fiye year old
maiden.
A spring poem that wasn't dashed
of 10 hurry
A knothole without trying 10 expec-
torate through it.
A fat woman fall on the street and
hurt herself.
A dog running backward with a hn
pa n tleu 10 MS taA.
A female book agent who could take
mo- for an answer.
An editor who prefers 70 smoke a
pipe refuse a cigar.
A man call for a little whiskey' who
didn't take a big drink.
A ten-dollar bill lying on the street
without picking it up.
A baby on railroad train that didn'I
make more noise that the engine.
The legend paint upon door with
out testing the matter with his finger.
A successful candidate ask a voter to
take drink three weeks after elec-
tion.
A minister who couldn't 60 to Eu-
rope for "a brief rest if his congregation
insisted upon it.
A husband out shopping with bis wife
who didn't wear a tired and disgusted
look upon his face.
A printer give away chew Of tobac'
co without saying sit swells in the
mouth"
Two young women pass on the street
both wearing new spring suits, who
didn't turn their heads to look at each
other.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
4 Clever Young Lady.


There Is a young woman living IN the
vicinity Of Detroit whose sccomrllsh-
ment would delight the heart Of Sorosis
if Sorosis only knew her. She owns a
saiboat which she manages with skill.
She csn handle the oars equally well,
and is an adept in the art OF swimming.
She is an expert horse-woman, driving
her own horses, aud as much at home
With the ribbons in her hands as the
average young lady is with skein ot
worsted. If occasion calls, she can
harness, feed aud care for them. She
is cashier of bank, of whose affairs
she has had almost exclusive charge Tor
years. She is a good housekeeper, a
good nurse and good daughter; in fact,
devoted one. She plays the piano
well, sings little and reads 10 two or
three languages. and is familiar with
the current literature OF the day. She
is posted on the industrial interests OF
the country, and can give an intelligent
opinion on the financial merits OF
orange groves and sheep ranches. She
is building a cottage for summer resi-
dence, drawing her own plan, contract
ing fox materials and labor, and per-
sonally experimenting the work 10 as
sure herself that her plan is thoroughly
and honestly carried oul. Among her
minor accomplishments arc practical
knowledge oftelegraphy, photography
and carpentry. She is about twenty
three years old, wears pretty dresses
when the nature Of her amusements or
occupation admits, has good health,
and is an intelligent and entertaining
companion. she cannot describe the
new fashions, is heter OF slams, has
no taste for gossip and no time for fir
| tation,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
Courage in Every Day Life

Have the courage 10 do without that
which you do not need, however much
your eyes may covel it.
Have the courage TO show your re.
sSect for hon esty, 10 whatever guise it
appears; and your contempt for dis.
honest .duplicity by wbomsoever exhi-
blted.
Haye the courage 10 wear your cd
clothes until you can pay for new ones;
and 10 de without rather than borrow,
particularly from any other than near
friend.
Have the courage 10 obey your Maker,
at the risk of being rldlculed by man.
Have the courage TO prefer comfort
and propriety to fashion in all things.
Have the courage 10 acknowledge
your ignorance, rather than to seek
credit for knowledge under false pre-.
tences.
Have the courage 10 provide en-
tertAlnment for your friends within your
means-not beyond.
Have the courage to work and sup
port Yourself though it be by handling
the pick, rather than sponge on youl
relatives, and act the dude.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

MARY's LAMB IN A NEw LIGHT. -
Darling said he, tenderly encirciing
her slender waist with his larboard
arm, can you tell in what respect you
resemble Mary of little lamb fame p
No, cannot, dear Henry she answer
ed blushing one of one Of those western
sunset bushes that betoken cold
weather. Because said he. as be
tenderly stroked the golden hair, be.
cause You have a pet that loves you so.
And now, dear Henry, can you tell
me why you are like Mary's lamb. =
No dear, why am l?' Because said
she, glancirg nervously toward the
door because you are sure 10 go. l
hear papa coming down the stairs and
you know Why am l like Mary's
teacher p thundered the old man, pok.
n hls head in the door aud fond
ling a seyen pound Indian club -
Because answering himself, after IL
O'Clock 1t is against the rule and am
gong to turn you out. As the yopng
man limped painfully away as was
heard TO mutler 10 himself: We'll,
differ from the lamb 10 one respect, Tor
I'll never follow Mary any more =
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
French Horse Cars.

An amusing feature Of Paris TO a
foreigner Is the horse cars. The ap.
pearance of the car, driver and con-
ductor would almost assure one that
they bad been imported from Amer
lea, but certain rules to be observed in
running the cars, very quickly remind
him that he Is 10 France.
The cars are allowed to carry only
certain number OF passengers-ten
standing On the platform and as many
in the car as are allowed to have seats.
Those inside pay 50 centims (ten cents)
and those Oh the outside rs centimes.
When a car has its complement, the
gates are shut, sign Is hung out read
ing 'Complit,' and no one can enter.
During the busy time OF the day, be-
tween 5 aud 6 o'clock, when crowds
are waiting for car, it Is Necessary 10
apply at the Office for a numbered
ticket.
For instance, say you applied and
received No. Il. You walt for car,
and the driver, when ready. commences
10 call une, deaur, trois, aud so on 10.
til be reaches your number, when you
must be ready to enter; If not, you
must procure another ticket and wait
your turn again. The system has its
advantages as well aslts disadvantages.
ard the French think it great thing
but the amusing part of 1t to foreigners
Is the calling OF the numbers, and un-
less one is pretty well up in French, hi
is very apt to get left and has 10 go ant
get another ticket.
Instead Of ringing a bell like our
conductor, they use a kind OF horn
/! which is attached TO the dashboard
and blown by ruber bell which th'
driver possesses. The sound, which Is no
ulike that OF cow horn, can be heard
distinctly for block. 1t is not un
Objectionable unless the instrumen
happens to be out OF order, and then L
is very unmusical. The cars are 6
great convenience and are liberallI
patronIzed. Ole sees in them th,
economy of the French people as g
class, very finely dressed ladies stand
ing on the platform to save five cents
Economy IS observable everywhere ii
France. and there is much truth in th
aphorism the people could live Oh
what the Americans waste
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
The Sergeant's Defeat.

Some time ago l opened daily j ,ur-
nal aud read this touching paragrapn: l
read how there was brought out one OF
our police stations in New York man
whose very countenance showed that
he was made for better place aud .
higher calling: He cirrie1 an empty
sleeve. Called up to the bar Of the
police magistrate he was asked his
name.
He said. am Sergeant Maxv ell, oi
Fifth United States cavalry ani then.
drawing out a half-empty flask ffon hi
pocket aud holding it up, be said; In
Sheridau's raid in the valley oil VIM
chester, when our commander came
down TO rally us. swung out th It arm,
and the shot OF the enemy carried 1t Off
and tlien holding up the flask hs said:
Tho only enemy 1 have ever NIT who
has Conquered me is that The police
magistrate sentenced him back 70 his
cell, and carrying his empty sleeve,
and empty purse. aud his empty chlrAc-
ter, aud his empty life, this young III IN,
born Tor better things, went of to lake
his place among the victims Of str)n
drink.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
Curiosity and Business.

Anything 1 can show you to-day !"
asked the ieweller.
'Well-ahem-yes.' replied the young
lady, as she placed package on the
counter. Did these earrings come from
here?'
'Yes'm-'
Did they cost s45?'
'Um!'
Are they solid gold, with real pearls?'
Umr
They were a Christmas present, you
sce.'
'Ah!'
And the jeweller retires 10 The
rear of the store anu whisperiugly in-
quires:
Joe who bought these?'
"A young dude who is probably that
girls beau
what was the price p
Ten dollars
And what were sou to say if she
called?'
'Forty.fve, solid gold, with real
pearls
'Yes-ahem- know says jewell
ler. as he returns to the counter, happy
to inform you that the original price
was SIS, but as the purchaser is one
of our best customers VIC let them 20
for si5. Bring 'em 10 any time you
want $75 n cash.
Exit young lady looking tlcklei to
death.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
Candy be Blamed.

l have a young lady friend who is
possessed OF a peculiar passion for
children. She will tonde and caress
the little darlings, call them pet names,
give them candy and expend an amount
Of taffy over them. | called on her the
other evening, and found her in a state
of mental depression. In a voice
chOked with emotion she said:
4 was coming out Fourth street to-
day. had bought some caramels, and
was anticipating treat between them
and the Times Star, which l read every
day. As | passed along | saw one of
the sweetest, prettiest little boys /
ever bebeld. He was little tot Of a
fellow, with Aaxen ringlets, and dress
ed in cunning suit Of black velvet
NV heart warmed to him, and approach
log him with The package of caramels
10 my hand, l said Little darling,
wouldn't you like to have some can
dies p
And what was his reply'
Here she broke down completely and
calculated:
His reply? Why, the sweet little
dear muttered with pretty lisp: Go
10 blazes! Candy be blamed Can't
yer give fellow a cigarette, say p
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

I'm duster,' said Young woman
whom a New York Sun reporter met
10 a private house up town-'a pretes-
slonal duster. I'm not the only one.
It's a regular profession, dusling is,
nowadays. To dust and arrange these
collections every day would too severe
lY tax the strength OF the wealthy la
dies. To set the servants at the work
was found to be bad management. not
bcause they were bunging and liable
to smash the delecate fabrics, but be-
cause the servants have no time to spare
frem their other duties. Therefore the
mistresses employ competent women
to keep their parlors in order. The
busting business is an established indus
try, but it is confined to the metropolis.
and almost entirely 10 the region OF
brownstone fronts. All the busters /
know OF are women who have seen bet
ter days, but, of course, It isn't every
educated aud refined woman who can
make good duster.'
What are the requirements p
She must be ligbt-footed, quick and
strong ia her wrists and arms. To Wis.
il a dozen houses in forenoon bsfore
callers arrive and dust and arrange
things is 20 child's play. A woman
must fairly jump at her work. The re-
muneration Well. dollar or IS cents
visit, sometimes more. At some
houses where the hostess entertains a
good many guests the rooms are ar
ranged every day. Orders are given to
the busters to change the arrangement
of the appointments every time they
come. Then, again, duster must
know how TO take hold Of every sort Of
knick. knack and how to move it safely.
She must know just what sort of brush
to use on every sort of dnsting. The
brush that will not break filmy tissue
of glass is useless on a piece of furni'
ture, and would not reach the ceiling
corners. She must have several brushes
aud she must not be careless or slap
dash for an instant. There are few
bits Of brick.a-brac in these parlors
that l could not replace with SIX months
earnings
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Gentlemen seid an Arkansas Colo
mel, as he stood under the limb OF
tree from which depended rope, 4
must protest mY innocence. l did not
steal the mule. L am above a petty
thief. 1 know that you all have public
interest at heart, and 1 do pot blame
you. but there are times which we are
all liable to be too rash. If l had
stolen the mule, my guilt would OPP
press me until would beg to be- put
out OF the world in the most summary
manner
The mule was found IN your posses
sion, said the leader Of the mob.
very true, my dear sir
Did he jump into your lot?'
No sir, conducted him to the con-
fines OF my premises
Did you buy the animal p
No sir
Did you trade for bin p
4 did not.'
Then who stole him Let down the
rope, boys
Gentlemen, hope you will give me
chance to explain. The mule il
question was the property of our dis
tinguished fellow citizen, Major Rugles
berry. Some time ago the Major and
exchanged few words Of uucompli-
mentaly nature. l lntimated that thu
MAJORS blood would be highly salts
factory to me, and the Major said my
gore would please him mightily.sWeli,
we separated after agreeing with one
another. The next day the Major an,
1 met. 1 got the drop on him and re
lieved him OF bis head. He was ridln
a mule at the time, and when he fell oi
1 saw that he no longer had any prac
tical use for the animal, so took charg
OF him. Now, if 1 had dismounted il
the way he did, I should have interpos
ed no objection 10 the Majors takin
my horse.'
Il hope, sir, that you will excuse us,
replied the leader Of the mob. w
thought that you stole the mule. Ycu
explanation is most satisfactory, and
hope you'll excuse US. Let us all take
a drink
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

A QUEER PARROT. Parrots are
queer creatures, and, like very bur-
lesque upon humanity. One 5 IN
Amerl,a bird had unfortun el y
learned on shipboard The habit of p o.
fane lacguige. Tn, mate, a Ii le
ashamed of the creatures profanitr,
undertook a cure by douslng it with a
bucket Of water at each oarense. Polly
evidently imDibed the reproof, for dur
ing a gale, when heavy sea brok {
over hen coop, aud d :luged hens aud
cocks pretty thoroughly she marched
up to the dripping fowls aud scream Il
out, Been sTslriag dgIin, haint ys.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

WATER TESLA French periodical,
La Culture, gives the following simple
method for testing the purity Of wafer.
In an ordinary quart bottle, three parts
filed with water dissolve a spoonful o.
pure white sugar, cork it we'll and put
1t in a warm place. If at The end OF
iorly-eight hours the water becomes
turbld and milky there can be no donbt
OF its impurity, but if it remain limpd
1t may be considered safely drinkable.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

To TELL COOP BUTTER. - The
steward of a Detroit hotel said to q
Free Press reporter: Any touse-keeper
can prove the honesty Of her grocer, OF
bis butter, by melted produces pure,
hmpid, golden oil, and it retains the
butter flavor. Melt oleomargarine, aud
the oil smells like tallow, aud a a scum
rises to the surface. Btterine is a
mixture of dairy butter aud fats. Melt
that and the butter oil will rise TO the
top. Pour this of, and you will 6nc
the bottom, whitsh in color and giving
off Gisagrseable smell.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

is it true that when a wild eOOse's
mate dies il never takes another = ask
ed a young widow. Yes, but dOn't
worry about that. The reason it acts
that wsy is because it is a eoose.'
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Are you fond of dates p asked be as
be passed the fIuit 10 bis betrothed,
Very much so,' replied she, and then
she coyly added. L know of a sgeeter
date than this What date is that p
queried he. The date of our marriage,
softly responded the gentle one.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Ladies and gentlesn M said an
Irish manager to his audlerce of three,
as there is nobody here, I'll dismiss
you all the performance of this night
will not be perfor ned, but will De re-
peated 10 morrow evening"
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

when you meet with great and ul-
exp cted Off RS Of friendship, receivc
them respectfully, but with moder-
ate degree Of cau.ion, endeavor TO di--
cover if they how from q warm hear
aud a SILLY head. or from a design ins
head aud a cold heart, knavery and
folly are often hardly to be distinguish
ed.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Never mind, sonny, the rain makes
boys grow,' remarked tramp the
other day, when be took a silk Umbrel.
la away from lad 10 the midst OF a
rain storm,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

There appears TO exist greater de-
sire 10 live long than to live well
Measure by mans desires, he canno
hve long enough; measure by his Qoot
deeds. aud he has not lived long
enough; measure by his evil deeds, ane
he has lived too long.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Does your baby kick when you try
to put it TO sleep?' asked one young
married man IF another p No. was
the reply, but | do when I'm asked TO
put il 10 sleep.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Never go back. What you attempt
do with all your strength. Ii the pros
pect be somewhat darkened, pat the
fire of resolution 10 your soul, and
klndle fame that no.hing but death
can extinguisb. ss 1ft4f
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Fred ! why do you call me your
duckie darling Is 1t because, a jated
into your affections so swimmingly?
Hardly that, my dear! It's because,
as rule, you rarely advance toward
me bul YOU are holding out big bill.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

When a young woman is 10 love she
lturos to the poets corner first on pick
ing up the local paper. After she is
married she turns first 10 the advertise
menls Of the dry goods stores.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Miss Brown, | have been to learn
how to tell fortune said fellow 10 a
brisk brunette; give me your hand, II
you please.' La! Mr.. White, how
sudd N you are Well. 90 ask pa.'
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Yes said the boy, I might Just as
we'll be at the head oil my class as not.
But 1 don't mind being at the foot,
and the other boys DO, so | sacrifice N.Y.
self,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

A man very much intoxicated was
taken TO the station. why did you mol
bail him out p inquired bystander Of
. friend: Bale him out q exciai pet
the otner. Why, you couldn't pump
him out!'
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Sincerity is 10 speak as we think, to
do as we pretend and profess, 10 per-
form and make good what we promise,
and really be what we would seem and
appear. t
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

4 Gil the Bill said willie when he
got into his mother's preserve closet. =
And I foot the Blll,' remarked para
oyerhsaring the sojloquy.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

But are you sure she'll accept you?
asked Duflix of Drink, who was about
TO pop Accept me? You bet she
will She's like my clolhes-ready-
maid =
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

No more reflections, please said
the lookiug-slass after it had tumbled
down stairs,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

10 the lives of the sadjest of US there
are bright davs ike this, when we feel
a, if we could take tue great world 10
olc arms.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

To the pure said the mIlkman, as
he sold a quart Of milk TO an innocent
little girl, all thin gs are pure
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Why is man who walks behind a
chimney-sweepsr like a card player?
Because he follows SCOT.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

A hesitating or grun yielding to the
wishes Of another, always CRATES upon
A loving heart.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
postieaI
Two Little Girls I Know


Two Little Girls 4 Know
know little girl
(You7 Oh. noD
Who. when she's asked to 60 to bed,
Does just 20;
She brings a dozen wrinkles out,
And takes the dimples in;
She FUCKERS up her pretty lips,
And then she does begin:
"Oh, dear me don't see why"
A!lthe others sit up late,
And why cantI?'
Another little girl know,
With curly pate.
Who tays, "When I'm great big girl,
III st up late.
But mamma says will make me grow
To be an early Bird
So shs and dolly trot away
without another word.
Oh, the sunny smile, sna the eyes 30 blue,
And-why yes. now think Of 1t;
She looks Ike you:
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

CHEAPEST FASHION MAeAzTsE IN the world, 10
large pages, pages new music, 1000 engraving
each issue. so cents per iycsr; single copies 10
cents. sTRAwBarDoK CLOTHES stb, , Nsrk
A, A,Phlladslphss.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
ss.naneoas 1.tah
Advertising Rates.

Advertisements will be inserted at ONE Dollar
per square Of ten lines or less, for tie first iBser
ton, aud so cents for each subsequent insertion.
Unless the number OF insertions be marked up.
on the manuscript, it will be published until foe
bidden. and charged accordingly.
Notices in the local column will be inserted q.
ten cents per line, each insertion.
Advertisements forthree months or longer will
be inserted at lower rates.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

Try to frequent the company OF your
betters ia books and life. That Is the
most wholesome society.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

A praire farmer reports that late
wind storm lifted about evsrythiH ,s
from bis lands except the mortgage.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02
DR. B. F. MAPHIS & BRO.
- -DentiStS.--

ovrIcrs: Woodstock and saumSviie' virginia
7, woodstock, ist and Sd weeks Of each month";
In s.umsyile I'D and 4th weeks. .. ...ao.-
IN sna - a.; nsed Of first class Dentistry at moder
s'e ss1s Of Artificial teeth from 500 to $780,
1880 and 5000 .,o..o s,ooo Silver
elitnvs from 75c to $500. , c.,ss
c.leod Combination celIelod and RUBBER snscs Rsfs
.Sssen uos o,van 10 filing and preserving the ma
srrsI tseth' and correcting the irregularities
All vork warranted first class.
W- Tech extracted absolutely without PAIN Oy
the use of Nitrous Oxide Cas-
March l9,-tf.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

The marriage certificates Is one Of
the few moose papers that have not de-
clIned ID price.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1884-04-02

The best backing young man can
have ID q good backbone Of his own. s.