Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-08-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

chln Tree play.
A young physician of this city is doc
toring potatoes for weak eyes, and says
he has growing practice.
Why is it that man never thinks of
winding the clock up at night until af-
ter he has put the light out and jumped
into bed?
Grace (whispering): What lovely
boots your partners got Maryi" Mary
(ditto) yes: unfortunately he shines
at the wrong end.''
A young man writes to consult us
about the best pattern of health lift.
We would suggest helping his mother
little with the coal-hod.
Give q girl long eyelashes and small
hands, and she will put up with num-
Der six feet and marry all around a
curly-headed girl wearing ones and o
half.
There are five times as many accor-
dions as guitars in Mexico. This is
the strongest argument we have vet
seen against the United States annex
ING Mexico.
Robert A Webster, of Bangor, Me-,
has just had u piece of bullet removed
AlOlu llio 4C1b stIlU, WHICH WAS IOugCu
there in the battle of Thacher's Run on
March 25, 1865.
In some Eastern countries the face
of the bride is never seen until after
the marriage ceremony. And then,
sometimes, the face of the bridegroom
is never seen any more.
Never compliment woman on her
good looks. If she can not see that
your eyes acknowledge her beauty,
your tongue may as well save the year
and tear of praising it.
Eyes, | am really sorry" said the
hen-pecked husband, ''sorry TO know
that our forests are being so rapidly
destroyed. When they are gone Pm
afraid they will make broomsticks of
iron"
While on our way TO Newburg the
other day we saw fellow fishing. Upon
inquiring if he had caught any, we re-
ceived the following reply: Caught
any? No, you fool, I've not been at it
only about four hours yet.
Bets are offered that when the North
pole is reached, an American news
paper reporter will be there with an
elaborate description of the place al
ready written up, waiting to take the
first boat for home.
A man never feels moro disguised
with himself than when he has been
watching q red light for about half an
hour, and waiting for the horse-car to
approach, to find that the light comes
from q globe in corner drug store.
At Maroa, H., they have organized
ell l. hot 1,..1- 10 d.
forty business and professional men of
the town. The object is to gain motor
iety for Maroa, the members being
pledged to wear their plugs every day.
what kind of sauce will you have
with your steak?" asked q waiter of q
diner III q restaurant where the condi-
ments were served with the orders
IF the steak is rs tough as yesterdays,
send me in q couple Of circular saws"
Little son of a bill broker to his papa:
papa, what is business honor?' BUS
mess honor? Well, Alphonse, my boy,
suppose one of our customers sends
thousand francs too much" Yes,
papa" well, | give Mr.. Ratipeau,
my partner, five hundred of it"
The cadet minstrel show was so sue
cessful that it is to be repeated. One
of the prize jokes of the entertainment
ungallanty compared the Boston girl
to u throw of three skies at dice. Be
cause it was SO hard 10 get? No; but
because they are SO hard to shake.
''How fresh and green everything
looks!" murmured CIaribell, as they
wandered along the road. Every
thng?" questioned Adolphus, looking
IL i,,f.N h,,Y.I lot,
erything," she replied abstractedly.
He wanders with another girl now.
A Presbyterian clergyman in Sc
and short time ago offered to give a
shilling to every man and half u crown
20 every woman who would come to
1im the next day and declare truth
sully that they had not spoken of
worldly matters after church. No one
came
DR.. Donald Macleod, q Scotch cler-
gyman. recently preached y sermon on
The Sin of Cheapness." He said that
the ''craving for cheapness and hunt
,ng after bargains is not only economi-
2ally false, but cause of great suffer
ing to thousands of men, women and
children
hen woman secures all her rights,
the right of serving on the jury will of
course be included. 1t will be Il blessed
thing for the men folk in case of breach
Of promise. The sex won't get any
sympathy from the dear creatures, I'M
less they change NIGHTLY from what
they are now.
"A reliable man" tells in the Ber-
rien (Ga.) Neccs of seeing q Cat with
eight legs and feet and two tails. 1t
had set of feet and legs in front in
the usual place, and a set on its back.
Back of these its body developed into
two prongs, each of which had q tail
and q set of legs and feet.
In Butler, Pa, 4 man made pet of
q large toad, which came regularly
each summer evening for a luncheon
of flies, which were taken from straw.
A &. L Il