Omaha daily bee., 1884-03-01
IMPIErIES.

Henry Ward Beecher says piously, Aquar.
rel in a church is n holiday in hell"
Widow Van Colt says: "No Christian can
afford to use tobacco" This looks as though
Christianity kept a man poor.
One Of the Vauderbilts have been elected q
| director Of the Young Mems Christian asso-
citation. Now look ont for o corner on saliva
tion.
A preacher in Wellington, Kansas, made
the prediction last Sunday, that some of his
parishoners would ''enter hell on roller
| skates"
Fourteen young men of nes Moines formed
All orchestra. Ten of them are dead, and the
survivors, convinced that some fatality is fol-
lowing the organization, have r%epented and
joined a church.
Mrs. Cook, wife of Rev. Joseph, Is prepar-
ing for the lecture platform. Are there no
babies in the family?-Philadelphia Call.
What sort of baby talk do you suppose would
prevail in that family?-Hartford Post.
Teacher-''Who reigned after Saul?" Schol.
ar-"David." "Who came after David?'
THE Queen of Sheba," answered the pale
young man on the back bench, and the teach
or turned to Corinthians and looked solemn.
A minister out in Montana is strongly cen.
sured by his congregation for indulging in roll.
er-skating. They think it detracts from his
dignity to see the custodian of their religious
welfare lying on his back trying to kick the
roof off the atmosphere.
"Do you keep Lenty' said John, as James
hurried past him in a down-pUur of rain, last
Sunday morning on his way TO church. mo,
but my umbrella does" was Jim's reply as he
saw it In Johns uplifted hand. "A most
excel lent joke" was Johns parting salute
[Chicago Sun.
Scientists now assert that the earth was PEG.
| Ill Cfk,, ,nslItnr yaatu hafn~a AL. -,
| the garden of Eden as a tree claim. However,
they can advance no clinching argument in
| support of tho claim. Fashion plates can not
| be traced beyond the period when Adam and
| Eve were the leaders of their set in society.
An old minister in Ohio seemed rather op.
posed to an educated ministry. Saddle "Why
my 'brethering,' every young man who is 60
ing to preach thinks he must be off to some
| college and study q lot of Greek and Latin.
Ali nonsensel All wrong! What did Peter and
Paul know about Greek? Why, not one
| word, my 'brethering.' No! Peter and Paul
preached in the plain, old English, and so
will l."
"During the craze for Union Pacific stock. :,
| said an old broker. II furnished shares TO thir-
teen different clergymen in New England. all
| of whom sold their government bonds n took
| 'tAnd how did they make out?'' ''Twelye of
| them lost three-fourths of their investment
"And what alb nut the thirteenth!' ''Oh, il
was through him that 1 sold to the other
twelve, and he made about $4,000. -[Wall
| Street News.
At a recent fan drill, under the auspices Of
O Home Mission band connectedwith q Brook
lyn church, the twenty young lady perform
ers, and attired in antique costume, went
through the following movents: Entrance
march, present your fans, the audacious hirt.
shoulder your fans, handle your fans, carry
your fans, unfurl your fans, furl your fans,
hutter your fans, charge your fans, the scorn.
full wave, shoulder your fans, the coquettish
f~utter, ground your fans, the bashful 1~lutter,
at, ack, the angry Hutter, retreat, the merry
autter triumph, surrender, the invitation
ter, the greeting gossip, farewell, salute, the
| parthian retreat,