The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-12-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

eat in the morning?" OATMEAL"
promptly replied member OF the
class.
Teacher-"How many wars were
waged with Spainp' Pupil--"Six."
Teacher" Enumerate them" Pupil
Zone, two, three, four, five, six. -
French Joke.
A San Francisco man has invented a
preparation for softening the cheek. 1t
will be furnished to canvassers and
drummers in bulk at slight advance
over the cost of manufacture.
A young lady at St. Louis recently
doused young man with pailful OF
water, while he was down on his knees
begging her to be his bride. The Bur-
lington Free Press says: at is always
the custom, we believe, in some parts
of the West, to wet a new suit"
Stranger Cat Niagara What will
you charge to drive me across the sus-
pension bridge? Hackman-Well, that
depends. Who are you? Stranger
Who am l? What difference does that
make? Hackman-Well, if you are an
ordinary tourist, my price is S.; but II
you are an American bank cashier, l
want half.
"That shooting scrape," inquired the
foreman through the tube; chow shall
| set it-solid or leaded3" what
shooting scrape?" yelled back the ed
itor THAT one that occurred this
morning in which Jones was shot"
"How many times was he shot?"
Twice" "Set it double loaded, Of
course. Travellers Magazine. -
1t is stated that Russian has been
awarded patent which promises to
work "a revolution in the matchmaking
industry" If it will prevent rich mems
daughters from clipping with their ia
Tiers coachmen, and encourage legiti-
mate matchmaking, which will prove
satisfactory to the old folks, the "revo-
luton" can't strike this country day
too standardization Herald.
$50 you are the new GIRL" said the
boarders to the waiter; "and by what
name are we to call you?" pearl"
said the maid, with saucy toss Of her
head. "Oh," asked the smart boarder,
"are you the pearl Of great price?"
mo, I'm the pearl that was cast be-
fore swine" There was long silence
broken only by the buzz Of flies in the
milk pitcher. Providence News.
Husband--Huldah, dear, as was
passing through our garden I saw some
asparagus ready for cooking; perhaps
you would like to 60 and gather the
first fruits Of the season YOURSELF"
Young wife (anxious to conceal her ig-
norance in the vegetable Department.
Il tell you what, Adolphus, we will
20 together; you shall pluck 1t and /
will hold the ladder. - Heidelberger
Journal.
"Your wickedness will bring your IA
theirs gray hairs in sorrow to the
grave" said an Austin school-teacher
to the worst boy in school. "Oh, no. I
guess not" "Are you going to reform,
then, and lead new life?" mot
much; but I'm not going to bring the
old mans gray hair in sorrow to the
grave, for the old duf1er wears wig
and belongs to a cremation society,""
--7eras Sytings
1.-THE worstis over" said the doctor,
putting his watch in his pocket and
| preparing to leave the room. mo it
| isn't" suddenly came from the ema-
ciated Crimsonbeak, opening his eyes
and raising himself on his pillow.
"Why! What do you mean?" exclaim-
ed the surprised physician. why, !
mean that the worst won't be over I'M
til get your bill out of the way
Yonkers Statesman.
Not long ago lady who had just re.
turned from Europe was asked by a
friend If She had seen the lion of St.
Mark. "Oh, yes" she said, 1--WE ar.
rived just in time to see the noble crea.
ture fed" The late DR.. Beadle, OF
Philadelphia, must have encountered
the same lady. He spoke of the
beauty Of the Dardanelles, and she re.
piled: "Oh, yes, know them we'll
They are intimate friends Of mine. ~
NJ Y. Tribune.
"Sir!' he began, as he entered the
water Office the other day, "your men
have Shut the water off at my housed"
"Yes." Can you tell me the reasonp'
III can; the quarter ran out and you did
not pay "And did you shut the wa
ter off because you thought l was not
good for So or $4P' "Oh, no; it was
simply because you had not paid the So
or 81" "Ah! see! That alters the
case altogether, and / will pay and you
can turn the water on."-Detroit Free
Press.
A man wanted pair Of pants yester.
day at q leading clothiers. He took tc
the tailor photograph Of himself in Q
Prince Albert coat, choker collar, ant
necktie touched up with blue. A cane
and hat were depicted on a sidc-ta
BILE. 81 want pair Of pants" he said
ito match that coat and tie, and pleas,
remember that the cane is light color
ed. What can you do for me for fou
dollarsp" They did him up somethin,
In green with O yellow wave running
through it.--PhiIadelphia Press.
Johnny was told that he might hav
half the grapes. When his mothe
went to the cupboard she found he ha
taken all, and left none for his sister
When spoken to by his mother he r,
Piled. "Mamma, I will tell you lust no,