Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-09-03
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

"Walst makes want" said the young
husband when his wife asked him to
buy her a $15 pair of corsets.-l The
Judge.
"THE dog came for me" said the
tramp, and [ played Twas railroad con-
tractor" "What did you do" Made
tracks"
ENGLIsHMEN admit that the Phlla-
delphia eleven's playing is the great
est cricket on the hearth. > Boston
Transcript.
"MArTHEW ARNOLD has had a soup
named after him." This is a deserved
recognition OF his souperior Abilities
Norristown Herald.
"WAs the assault made with premedi
tation?" asked Judge Norton of a wit
ness. "No, Yer Honor, it was made
with a clothes loinr'
WHEN you visit Dodge City, Kas.,
and hear the bullets whizzing around,
you will know why it is called Dodge
City Philadelphia Cali.
GIVE thousand molecules can sit
comfortably on the point of pin"
Herein the molcule differs materially
from man. Norristown Herald.
The young lady who was blamed for
allowing her glove to be discovered In
young mans pocket stated that she
had no hand in it Boston Star.
We are told, No two after dinner coffee
cups should be the same" After set
has been handled by the hired girl any
length Of time they are not the same
either Graphic.
Tow
She sees that the graves OF eleven
husbands are kept green. She takes no
note of men but by their loss New
York Commercial Advertiser.
A YOUNG gentleman wishes to know
which is proper to say on leaving
young lady friend after late call
good night or good EVENING"" Never
tell lie, young man. Say good morn
ing.
The admirers of Mr.. Oscar Wilde
who were unable to grasp his meaning
when he spoke of ''unkissed kisses"
will find clew in the Congressional
Record with its unspoken speeches.
Life.
A oUIP by sweet sixteen: what do
you do down here at the shore when it
is so awfully damp all the time?" was
the inquiry of young visiting miss.
"Do? Why we just mildew. Boston
Transcript.
"I HAVEN'T had bite for two days"
pleaded tramp. "Is it possible?" an
swered the woman with sympathy. "PH
see what I can do for you in the way of
a bite. Here, Tige-Tige-" The
tramp broke a two-dollar gate getting
away.
They now fill teeth with electricity.
A woman with tooth full of electricity
and an eve full of fire will be balmy
object for man to meet on the top
landing when he comes home from bal
ancing his books at 2 A. NJ Pittsburg
Chronicle.
YOUNG mamma: maria, run up
stairs quickly; the baby is crying"
Maria: ooh, no, mum; I left him fast
asleep just this minute. Young mamma:
''But [ am sure I hear him." Maria:
''Thats only the fog-horn, num-
philadelphia Cali.
REV. JOSEPH Cook has at last come
out squarely and defined his position.
He says he is "pandenominationali
We always thought that was what he
was, but nobly refrained from saying SO,
out of regard for the feelings of his fam
lily Burlington Hawkeye.
He mad just been presented to the
stylish Nine. X, a majestic woman still
attractive by gaslight. By Jove," he
saws, admiringly, if she were only ten
years younger" YES" says his
friend, but the deuce of it is that, in
stead, she is ten years olderl'
"WELL, do hope" said Mrs. Parvenu,
as she strolled across her elegant lawn
in Clifton, ''if the cholera comes here
this year, it won't assume an epidermic
FORM" and she famed herself till her
naughty chin stuck out above her neck
at an angle of 094 degrees.-[ Merchant
Traveller.
WHAT" asks very tender writer,
what can take the place of babies?" Sh!
Bend your ear little lower and we'll
tell you. Other babies. You didn't
suppose this years crop would last for
ever, did you? Goodness, man it will
be clear out of style in eighteen months.
i Brooklyn Eagle.
A WALNUT Hills lady had been en-
tertaining friend of her husband, and
the next day her little girl SAID TO her:
s' Mamma, amt we cannibals?" OF
course not" was the reply; "why do
you ask that?" Because I heard papa
say we had Mr.. Jenkins for dinner yes
terday." Merchant Traveller.
A WESTERN paper says that Russian
named Colozphoff Zaleszezaky was ar
rested the other day for being drunk,
lint uos dincho ruod xrboyo II roc 1cornad
that the suspicious symptoms were due
to the fact that he was telling some one
what his name was. The Judge advised
him to change his name to John Smith.
st THOUGHT you took instantaneous
pictures" said the man in the photog-
rapher's gibbet; but verify believe
I've sat here ten minutes" "You
shouldn't be impatient, sir," replied the
camera fend. Instant, you know,
means the present month; and the