McCook weekly tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 188?-1886, 1884-03-27
Drunk in a Plug Hat.
Bill Nye In Puck.

Drunk in Plug Hat.
Bill Nye In Puck.
This world is filled with woe every
where you go. Sorrow is piled up in
the fence corners on every road. I'm
availing regret and red-nOsed remorse
inhabit the cot of the tie-chopper as
well as the cut-glass cage of the mil
lionaire. The woods are full of disap-
pointment. The earth is cOnvulsed
with the universal sob, and the roads
are muddy with tears. But l do not
call to mind more touching picture of
unavailing misery and ruin and hope
less chaos than the plug hat that has
endeavored to keep sober and maintain
its self-respect while its owner is drunk.
A plug hat can stand prosperity, and
shine forth joyously while nature smiles.
That's the place where it seems to
thrive. A tall silk hat looks well on
thrifty man with a clean collar, but it
cannot stand dissipation.
l once knew a plug hat that had
been respected by every one, and had
won its way upward by steady endeavor.
No one knew aught against it till one
evening, in an evil hour, it consented
to attend a banquet, and all at once its
ioyous career ended. 1t met nothing
but distrust and cool neglect every
where after that.
Drink seems to make man tenn
porarily, unnaturally exhilarated. Dur
ing the temporary exhilaration he de-
sires to attract attention by eating lob
ster salad out of his own hat, and
sitting down on his neighbours.
The demon rum is bad enough on
the coatings of the stomach, but it is
even more disastrous to the tall hat.
A man may mix up in a crowd and
carry off an overdose of valley tan in a
soft hat or cap, but the silk hat will
proclaim it upon the housetops and adj
vertise it to the gaping, wondering
world. 1t has way of getting back
on the rear elevation of the head, or
over the bridge of the nose, or of hang
ing coquettishly on one ear that says to
the eagle-eyed public, 81 am chock-
full"
cannot call to mind more power
full lecture on temperance than the
silent pantomime of man trying to
hang his plug hat on an invisible peg in
his own hall after he had been watch
ing the returns three years ago. L saw
that he was excited and nervously I'M
strung when he came in, but [ did not
fully recognize it until he began to
hang his hat on the smooth wall.
At first he laughed in good-natured
way at his own awkwardness and hung
it up again carefully; but at last he be-
came irritated about it, and almost for
got himself enough to swear, but con-
trolled himself. Finding, however,
that it refused to hang up, and that it
seemed rather restless, anyhow, he put
it in the corner of the hall with the
crown up, pinned it to the floor with
his umbrella, and heaved a sigh of re-
lief. Then he took off his overcoat,
and, through clerical error, pulled off
his dress coat also. showed him his
mistake and offered to assist him back
into his apparel, but he said he hadn't
got so old and feeble yet that he could
not dress himself.
Later on he came. into the parloI
wearing linen ulster, with the belt
dropping behind him like the broken
harness hanging to shipwrecked and
stranded mule. His wife looked at him
in way that froze his blood. This
startled him so that he stepped back a
pace or two, tangled his feet in the cir
cingle, clutched wildly at the empty
gas-light, but missed it, and sat down
In tall majolica cuspidor.
There were three games of whist 60
ing on when he fell, and there was a
good deal of excitement over the play.
ing; but, after he had been pulled out
of the American tear-jug and led away.
every one of the twelve whist-players
had forgotten what the trump was.
They say that he has abandoned pol.
itics since then, and that now he doesn't
care whether we have any more No
vember elections or not. l asked him
once if he would be active during the
1884 campaign, as usual, and he said
he thought not. He said a man
couldn't afford to be too active in
political campaign. His constitution
wouldn't stand it.
At that time he didn't care much
whether the American people had 8
president or not. If every Pubhc.splr
tied voter had got to work himself W
into a state of nervous excitability anc
. prostration where reason tottered on it,
throne, he thought that we needed {
: reform.
Those who wished to furnish reasons
to totter on their thrones for the ma
tional central committee at SO mucl
per tot, could do so; he, for one, didn'
propose to farm out his immortal sou
and plug hat to the party if 10000, 0Ot
: people had to stand four years unde
the administration of setting hen.