davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
WIT AND WISDOM.

Try never to borrow, and you will
be less likely to be asked to lend.
One of the heaviest things in this
world is the 'stest of truth" There is
80 much that won't bear it.
A counter-irritant- The woman
who offers ten cents yard for forty
cent goods. NorristoUn Herald.
-" VIII the youngest girl in the
room please rise," said school super
,intendent in rural school. Every
female stood up, including the teacher.
Burlington Free Press.
-" Never look at your boy when he
is speaking" writes father. 1t en-
harnesses him when he is explaining
how he happened to be in school and
out playing ball at the same time
Buffalo Express.
Scan you tell me, sir" asked a
young lady at a bookstore, sin what
order Thackeray wrote his books?"
.''No, lady" replied the gentlemanly
sales gentleman; shut, don't yer know,
L guess, It was in order to make
money. - Chicago Herald.
Little Emma came running into the
parlor yesterday morning, where her
mother was entertaining young Mr..
Duder until Miss Mary would complete
her toilet and come downstairs, and
cried out: sob, mamma! johnny is
dot Mary's teef, and won't give 'em to
her. "--Keet1cky State Journal.
Only One Family Jewel
OF +J,o,,o { ~
:. None said the fearless lady, but one
A carbuncle-the setting a fortune cost;
But tbs well secured and can not be lost
+ Quick! hand me the jewell or else you shall
Said the robber, with fercely flashing eve.
!. can t" SAID the lady, with smiling repose,
"The carbuncles fast-on my husband 5
nose
"A policeman leaned over the area
railing, and addressing Bridget, who
was at that moment engaged in shifting
an ash-barrel, observed: 'sBridoet, nv
ldarlint the loight av yer Dyes makes
the dawn same loike darkness
Trims the very wurruds that yer
isapayrior, the Sargint, sphoke to me. I
,suppoaz its part of the discipline of
the fource. - Chicago Tribune.
Englishman - you Americans
come over TO Europe with your little
hammers and whack away at every old
ruin, getting specimens until there is
scarcely anything left. American
"Well, why don't you retaliate?" En-
glishman-s'R etaliate! howp You have
nothing in this country to hack at. !"
American-"Oh, yes we have.'' En-
glishman- ''Whatp" American-stYo GU
can come over to this country and take
a hack at Niagara Falls. "-Railadelplsaa
Call.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
Artemus Ward as q bad Boy"

Mr.. Bisbee, the blacksmith, of Paris,
Me-, where the family of the humorist
lived in his boyhood, says:
You "kin'' talk as much as you please
of bad boys, but if them .sthar' two
boys weren't bad suns, / never want
to see another cent. Darn" my boots
if they couldn't cut up more monkey
shines than any two boys ever met.
''Bill'' was more why and active than
the other, sbut Charley was the most
deceiving. If found the handles of
my hammers smeared with axle-grease,
just as | was pulling the iron from the
fire, | knew the long-legged, lantern
jawed, red-headed "Charley" had been
in. If was putting shoes on horse
he'd slip in, ana with a solemn looking
face hail me with ssHow do, Mister Bis
bee!" but that horse would not stand
still while that boy was in the shop. He
would pull hair out of the animal tail
and prick him with pins, until, losing
patience, | would throw the hammers at
him and shout: ''Git out O. here, you
land-loper!" He would run a little
piece up the road, only to return and
say in lachrymose tones: ''Ye ain t
mad, are you, old Bisbee?o 81 say,
old gruff, . in bantering tone of voice.
evan Amburgh's menagerie is coming
to town and he wants his monkeys
shod. Don't you want to put shoes on
your relations?' With this sally he
would disappear. All! many is the time
| had to complain of that awkward boy
to his people, who were quiet and
Christian-like in their manners. Well,
years went by and s'Bill'' and ''Char-
ley" left school and went into printing
office to learn to be printers. ''Charleyn
moved away and went to Boston, and
from there no one knew what had be-
come of him until it began to be whis-
pered in the town that ''Artemus Ward, "
of the Cleveland PlGindeGler, who was
making the world laugh at his oddities,
was none other than our gaunt, I'M
calmly Charley Brown. Then our
doubts were set at rest by his putting in
an appearance after being gone so many
years. remember his coming; time
had not improved his looks, and the
droll expression of his eyes was there
still. He came up to the door of the
smithy, and in the tones / remembered
so well said: 'sMister Bisbee, saw the
Van Amburgh monkeys after you put
shoes on them. and they all died from
misfits-at least the doctors called it
that!" / knew my tormenter of the
years gone. That was the last time I
saw the most original humorist that
America ever produced. Poor fellow
[ have all his books and lectures at
home, and prize them very highly.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
USEFUL AND SUGGESTIVE.

--Soap-suds are a valuable fertilizer
for small fruits, and in the fruit garden
will never be wasted. -dlbdny Journal
The first agricultural necessity is
manure; the second is tillage, to place
the fertility within reach of the plants.
--Cincinnati Times.
Cookies Without Eggs: Four cup
fHls flour, one and a quarter cupfuls
butter. one and half clpfuls sugar, one
cupful sour milk, two tea-spoonfuls
soda. Toledo Blade.
The american Cstltirator saws that
however valuable cotton-seed meal may
be for feeding farm stock, it is beyond
doubt that its use affects the butter
product iniuriously, making it soft, oily
and "oif favor
AN exchange says that if the pretty
pink ginghams now SO much worn by
children, are dipped in water with
enough vinegar in it to give it a sour
taste, the pink will be brighter than if
rinsed in water alone.
Lace curtains should never be
ironed. Wash and starch them, using
in the rinsing water tablespoonful of
powdered borax; this makes them very
stiff; when wet, spread on sheet,
either on a bed or on the floor, and pin
down every two or three inches. Let
them dry two or three days and they
will look very nice. Caterer.
DIR. Stuart, in the Ohio Farmer.
says soft, sloppy or succulent food pre-
vents rumination or cud chewing,
while dry grain with bulky food, with
out the necessary liquid. causes fer
mentation in the rumen, which also
prevents rumination. This points to a
union of the two kinds of food as essen
tial to preserve the COW in good health.
Nut Cake: Two eggs; one-half cup
of butter; one cup OF sugar; one-half
cup of cod water; one and one-half cup
of prepared flour; one cupful of nut
kernels freed from bits of shell and
rolled in flour. If almonds are used
.blanch them, let them get cold and cut
small with sharp knife. White or
English walnuts must be cut each into
several pieces. Mix as with cup cake,
the water taking the place of milk and
the nuts going in last. Bake in small
tins or in one loaf in steady oven.-
Chicago Journal.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
Standing the Strain.

Mr.. Boggs--" Really, my dear, wish
you would stop arguing about the equal
ity of the sexes. All the authorities
are against YOU"
Mrs. Boggs -"Oh! they are, are
they? Well just mention one of them. "
Mr.. Boggs- Here is one right here
in this paper"
Mrs. Boggs- Who is hep"
Mr.. Boggs- DIR. John Lord. He
says emphatically that 'wornan's nerv-
GUS system can not bear the strain OF
the work done by man.
Mrs. Boggs =" Well, he is right. II
woman should yell like mad around a
Stock Exchange all day, stopping only
BILE meals and then 90 out in the everU
ng to wine supper she would be hay
dead the next morning"
Mr.. Boggs changed the subjec. x
Philadelphia Call.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
grandma, with energy. ut needn't.
mal-n a nnita Qf talLy ~

grandma, with energy. 1T needn't.
make mite of talk.
ooh! but sueh things viii, you know.
grandma, purred Tabitha Zone
thing l assure you; you and grandpa
have the sympathy of the huh town.
Everybody is down on her. AS the
Widow Watkins says: 1T shows lack
Ct nIial affection Some think Prime
was at the bottom of it, and mebbe for
bid her givin' away any of his bosom
shirts, but don't take no stock in that
Ann has mind of her own, and uses
it, too, / believe. She's your own
daughter, and your only one, and I've
nothin' to say agin' her, but I've fixed
up this shirt to the best of my ability,
and put as good gloss on the bosom
as | knew how. even went over and
borrowed Nancy Scrub polishing iron,
and bought five-ce bottle of starch
polish to use, besides. 1t does look
uncommon well, if I do say it as.
shouldn't. and l shall feel proud to see
grandpa wear it tomorrow And [
shan't charge you but twenty-five cents
for doin' the hull thing.''
1T looks beautiful, 2 said grandma,
seeing chance to get in word, land
N proper glad its done. =
Up to this time Mrs. Prime had been
listening, trying to gather from the con-
versation some clew as to what terrible
crime she had committed. She began
to realize the truth of the old adage that
'.isteners never hear any good of them
selves but now she silenced all fur
Their remark by coolly appearing in the
doorway.
sYou here, Ann said Grandma
Horner, in surprise, while Tabitha, re-.
alizing that Mrs Prime had heard all
that she had said, looked as if she
would have been glad of some conVen-
lent knot-hole to hide in
Where's the shirt I sent over for
father to wear last Sundayp' asked
Mrs. Prime of her mother, having gath
cred from the conversation that there
was something wrong about that arti-
Gle, she couldn't imagine what.
Strangely enough, she had not even
noticed it on her father on the Sabbath;
from which we may reasonably infer
that her thoughts had been given to her
own inward appareling, rather than to
any ones outward apparel.
/" 1t hangs in the closet,' said grand
ma; nbut | know it was all mistake,
Ann, ! told Tabitha SO to begin with.
And it's of no consequence at al"
But Mrs. Prime had made Decline
for the closet, and now brought out the
innocent garment, which had shaken
the village. conYersationally from CEN
ter to circumference. She held it close
for Tabitha to inspect, a fine bleached
cotton shirt, adorned with a nicer,
glossier linen bosom than ever that
spinster had beheld in all her days
"There Tabitha," said Mrs. Prime,
perhaps a little triumphantly, ''the
matter easily explains itself. I make
my husbands shirts open in the back,
but fathers have always been open in
front, and the poor man, not under
standing the matter, merely pat this on
btpd-side before" -Denaorests Monthly.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
A Lover OF the Antique.

Mrs. Limoges is very bric-a-brac in
her tastes, but is not very ready to pay
her bills. The other day the grocery
man called:
"Can | see Mrs. LP'' he said to the
servant.
"What do you want?'
"I've got bill here for some grocer
ies she bought last month
"Only month oldpn asked the girl.
in surprise.
"Ain that old enough?''
mo, sir, it is not. Mrs. Limoges.
I'd have you know, is lover of the an
tique, and should she see a bill only a
month old she would have fit of nery-
Gus pros ration.
"Well, that beats the deuce. When
shall Gomez"
"Oh. some time in the future. The
older the bill gets the better; but don't
you ever dare to come around with any
of those vulgar new bills, that the stains
have never touched" and she slammed
the door in his face. Merchant Irag-
eIe7
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
Temperance Items.

THOMAS +. DURANT, once a mosi
prosperous business man of New York,
has been sent to an asylum as a com
mon drunkard
A WRITER in the Fortnightly Revtea
holds that 'fhere is abundant evidences
TO prove that to dissipation, drunken.
ness and moral deprayity, either direct
ly or consequentially by transmission ts
the next generation, is to be charged
an immense proportion of the annual
increase of lunacy."
Ii is evident that everywhere the tide
of popular sentiment is setting il
strongly against the liquor traffic. The
smaller cities and villages are taking
active measures to suppress it, and the
people who are trying to grow rich BY
the woes of others feel their craft is il
danger. Baptist Weekly.
TIE extraordinary peril to which
beer drinker is subject is eVinced in the
death of w. j. Flynn, of Chicago, from
a slight bruise, and now we find pub,
lished the following: ..Men working
about the English bTeweries drinking
Deer constantly odIc uOb 80 much d
scratch their hands on a nail, without
fear OF lock-iaw, or strike their shins
against step, but the leg is in danger
of amputation. Some large brewers,
East and West, are total abstainers.
All this speaks of poisoned blood. /"
III is said that the late Bishop
Doane, of New Jersey. was strongly OPP.
posed to total abstinence, and his side.
boards were loaded with brandy, wine,
etc. On one occasion Perkins, of the
Sons of Temperance, dined with the
Bishop, who, pouring out a glass Of
wine, desired him to drink with him.
"Can't do it, Bishop. Wine is 3
mocker' : "Take a glass of brandy.
Them Cant do it, Bishop. Strong
drink is raging" By this time the
Bishop, becoming excited, remarked to
Perkins: ''You win pass the decanter to
the gentleman next you!'' s.No, Bishop,
] can't do that. Woe unto him thai
putteth she bottle to his peighhor'l
lips ~ Ggseter,
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
Margie,s Lesson.

Margie was just about four years old.
She would have been very dear little
girl but for one thing. Whenever she
was angry she would lie on the floor
and scream. When very angry, she
would kick. Her father was most of
the time at sea. She lived with her
mother and grandmother. They loved
her very dearly, and tried hard to break
her of this bad habit. If she was put
in room by herself she would only
scream the louder. She was sent to
bed without her supper; she was sent to
bed in the middle of the day. Nothing
did any good. "What shall we do"
said her grandmother. 81 have thong hit
of something" replied the mother; and
the very next time she tried it.
One rainy day Margie and her moth
er were sitting on the floor building a
house of cards. They built very slowly
and carefully, and were about to pat on
the sixth story
Margie was delighted; she clasped
her hands tightly together and hardly
dared to breathe. just as her mother
put on the last card the whole house
fell to the floor.
Margie turned very red, but she had
not time to scream. To her surprise
and terror, her dear, sweet mother,
who was always smiling, threw her'
self on the floor screaming with all her
might, and beating the carpet with her
fists. Margie agrew pale with horror.
She did not move or speak until her
mother stopped. Then she creptup to
her and whispered: ''Dear mamma,
please don't, and | will never be sohor-
rid again"
Tie next time Margie was angry she
looked first at her mother. Something
she saw in her face made her say: 81
am not going to scream, mamma.
After that they had very little troable
with her, Our Little Ones.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
A Long Rest.

'On, dear me, murmured a six-foot
invalid, stretching back over rocking
chair, and scraping his toes against the
ceiling, '.l'm almost worn out, and
must take a long rest"
''Let me move the furniture out of the
room, lovey,' replied his wife, .sbefore
you begin your rest.
s'What for?''
$50 as to have nothing interfering
with you." she said, .sand then to save
my household goods from damage, too. .
He looked fercely at her as she pro-
ceeded:
s.But if you'll go into the back yard.
darling, you'll have more room, AID if
you should become cramped out there
I can persuade the neighbors to take
down panel Of their fence, and then
you could have real, nice long rest. =
For answer he jerked his hat on. and
fled from the house. -Atlante COassstss.
siszh
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
A Bad Habit.

So you want to run out O. nights, ehe
Well, my boy, if there is one single
habit more than another calculated to
bring lad to evil ways it is that of
running around village, town or city
O. nights. All the bad in human nature
begins to bubble as soon as the sun goes
down. You wouldn't dream of doing a
mean act to your neighbors by daylight,
but after dark it seems a good joke to
lug off gates, upset outhouses, steal
fruit or raise false alarm of fire. 1t
may seem fun TO you, but when you
come to sit down and think it over you
can't help but admit that it is small
business. ANY action of yours which
puts any one else to trouble and expense
may be questioned to your detriment.
Find murderer. burglar or thief f.
point out to me the biggest loafer in your
town land | will show you man who
began his career by running out o.
nights. I don't say that George Wash
ington or Thomas Jefferson or Abraham
Lincoln didn't throw down lumber piles
or rob fruit trees at ten O. clock at night,
but if SO, they started out just right to
become bad men.
Don't want boy to have fun?
You bet do and, by and by. I'm go
ing to put you up to a dozen different
things in that line. But this grabbing
your hat after supper and sneaking out
over the back fence is mean piece of
business when you come to figure it
down. Down on the corner you meet
Jim this or Tom that. You go lover
town" and are seen. hanging around
this or that place. You may sneak
into saloon to see a game of billiards,
but you hate yourself for it. You may
sit in Smith grocery and hear lot OF
old bald-headed liars spin their yarns
and abuse religion, but you go out feel
ing that you could kick any one of them
who dared bow to your mother.
You'd go home and go to bed if it
wasn't for Jim or Tom. He wants a
little fun and he drags you into It.
EWkst he calls fug Is etringiag q ropa
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
Youths Department.
THE DOLL,S WEDDING.

I'm 'yited to the wedding,
And have to make Dress
Iwant lot of fusion,
A hundred yards, guess
think I'll make it princess"
couldn't wear it plain
1t s very fashionable
To have plated train.
It's Rosa Burdocks wedding,
Tomorrow, just at three,
In Mamie Turnbull's garden
Under the apple-tree;
The bridegroom's Colonel Bracebridge,
He wears q sword and plume,
To show that he's a soldier
It's stylish, presume.
We made some sugar-water,
And Mamies got cake;
i never saw such good ones
As her mamma can make;
She puts on plenty frosting
And lots Of sugar-plums;
guess We'll have the 'freshment
Before the min ster comes.
We've got to pick some dandelines,
To make q chain and ring
Louise will play the je yS-harp,
And May and | will sing:
We'u have to say the 'sponses-
Theg couldn't if they tried
But Rosa is so el'gant,
She'll make lovely bride.
Wen have to stand the Colonel
Against piece of board,
Or may be he can stand up
By leaning on his sword.
Come, now, this is tomorrow,
Let's get our hats and shawls,
Bring June and Zepbarine,
And all the other dolls.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23

THE SYMBOL or THE DANDE-
LIONS.

The crocus cups were on the downs,
The hills were green with heather,
The dandeliOns disks of gold
Shone in the bright spring weather;
The blue above, the green below,
Were glad and gay together:
We're glad, as were the merry lads
And curly-headed lasses,
Pulling the dandeliOn stars
Among the fresh green grasses
The gay, the splendid yellow disks
That grew in golden masses.
The spring-time went: the summer brought
The hot and sultry daytime,
The scented rose. the singing birds,
The sweet dried grass of hay-time,
The dreamy, duslKy evening hours,
The children's happy play-time.
But then the dandelion stars
=, We're doWny, white and fairy;
They blew them south and east and west
They were so light and airy;
away they went, but ne'er came back
10 bloom in sweet Glengary.
Away they went on summer winds,
But lClere, there was no knowing;
ct on some sunny slope or field
Next spring would find them growing
10 golden stars, to fairy domes,
Meet for the children's blowing.
And even so the children passed,
In spite of loves endea-or;
Some went beyond the starr treWn skies;
Some hills and oceans sever:
But to Glengarys banks and braes
They come no more forever.
Yet still they lift their fresh young hearts
In old lands sad and hoary,
Or tell in new implanted ways
Their simple childhood's story.
An mel II those more happy ones
Still keep it in Heavens gloryl
I think they do: both there and here
One Fathers love are sharing;
The dying flower, the deathless soul,
Have the same Fathers caring:
Our childhood's blossoms, loves and griefs,
Our manhood's word and bearing,
All help toward that higher life
For which this is preparing.
--HGfper's Wee7sIu.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23
The Danger of Moderate Drinking.

The following from a Texas paper
makes out q strong case:
1.-The veriest drunkard on earth, in
his lucid moments, will freely confess
that drunkenness is brutalizing, debas-
ing and ruinous to both body and mind.
All sots commenced as moderate and
occasional drinkers, and hooted at the
forebodings of their friends that they
would wind up as drunkards. They
would meet the warnings of sincere
friends with the remark that they had
resolution sufficient to control them
selves and that they could sop at any
moment. All feel this degree of conf
dence in the strength of their own reso-
lutions at the outset. The occasional
drinker may gradually become the reg
ular drinker, the moderate may insensi-
bly, drift into the immoderate dEinker.
THE appetite as Shakespeare says,
grows by what it feeds upon the
craving for stimulants increases; habit
ripens into second nature, it takes an
increased quantity to keep off depress-
ion, and the end of is is that the moder-
ate drinker often becomes the absolute
and helpless slave to alcoholism and
neglects his business as we'll as brutal
ICES his nature and intellect. He may
90 so far as to lose his self-respect and
feel no shame in being drunk in public.
Moderate drinkers should be careful.
They may, before they are aware of it,
60 too far.
at is said there are in the United
States 100000 incorrigible drunkards,
and that 10000 drunkards die annually,
mere wrecks, bodily and mentally. Al.
coholism helps fill our poor houses,
jails, penitentiaries and asylums as well
as our grayeyards. 1t also transmits to
posterity various diseases, physical and
mental.
''There is hardly town that is with
out half a dozen miserable wrecks, the
victims of alcoholism, who were once
worthy and promising men. 1t is mel.
ancholy and deplorable state of things,
yet drunkenness is upon the increase.
Temperance societies are palli&tiveS.
Drunkards can only be cured by medical
skill, by relieving the abnormal morbitJ
of the stomach, superinduced by alcohol.
This the best scientific skill of the world
is now agreed upon"
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23

The great scarcity of good seed.
corn this year leads a correspondent Of
the Nes0 England Farmer to suggest
that a plot OF ground be devoted on eve
cry farm to seed-corn growing, and at
the right time, before the tassels fertil-
ize the silks, every imperfect stock
should be removed, and no stock b
left standing that does not promise to
produce at least two ears. IF this course
is kept up every year, using only this
seed for field crops, the farmer viii be
using seed of increasing vitality aud
productiyeHess.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23

"A party of men were digging in
the bed Of dry pond near Americus,
Ga. the other day, and reached depth
of six or seven feet when they found
live alligator. 1t was dragged from its
winter quarters, and measured about
seven feet in length. 1t was in near
Il torpid state.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23

The cattle market at Brighton
Mass, has been closed alter continu-
Gus existence ever since the revolutions
aEY Yag.~sBasIan Hsrald.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1884-05-23

The names Of Kew York benevolent
aocietiea I'll volume Of three hundred
pages