Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1884-03-06
A CHINESE GOD.
The Humorist Delivers a Sermon
a4Ess Upon the Oriental and
Oolong Josh.
[Bill Nye in Puck.]

Ipresume that shall not be accused of
sacrilege in referring to the Chinese god as
an inferior piece Of art. Viewed simply from
an artistic and economical standpoint, 1t
seems to me that the Chinaman should have
less pride in his bow-leggel and inefficient
god than In any other national institution
do not wish to be understood as inter-
fering with any mans religious views; but
when polygamy il made q divine decree, or
bass wood deity is whitfield out and painted
red, to look up to and to worship, | cannot
treat that so-called relig gious belief with
courtesy and reverence. l am quite liberal
in all religious matters. People have noticed
that and remarked it, but the Oriental god
Of commerce seems to me to be greatly over
rated. He seems to lack that genuine de-
cision of character which should be feature
Of AL overruling power.
ask tho phrenologist to come with me
and examine the head Of tho alleged Josh,
and to state whether or not he believes that
the properly balanced head Of successful
god should not have more prominent knob
of spirituality, and lessor pronounced
alimentiveness Should the bump of COM
bativencss hang up over the ear, while time,
tune and calculate are noticeably reticent!
certainly wot not
Again, how can the physiognomy of the
celestial Josh be consistent with a moral and
temperate god? Tho low brow would not
indicate a pronounced omniscience, and the
Jumbo ears and the copious neck would not
impress mo with the idea Of purity and
spirituality.
1t is, no doubt, wrong to attack sacred
matters for the purpose Of gaining notoriety;
but believe l am right when assert that the
Chinese god must 60. We should not be
Puritanical but we might safely draw the
line at the bow-leggod and sedsntary goddess
Of leprosy.
II Confucius bowed the suppliant knee to
that goggle-eyel jim jam Josh, am grieved
to know it. If such was the case, the friends
OF Confucius should keep tho matter from
me. cannot believe that the great philos-
opher wallowed in the dust at tho feet OF
such a polka-dot carcature Of a gorilla's
horrid dream
bought Chinese god once. for 4 bits
He was not successful in the profession which
he aimed to follow. Whatever he may have
been in China, he was not very successful
god In the English language put him upon
the mantel and the clock stopped, the servant
girl sent in her resignation. aud large dog
jumped through the paror window. All this
happened within two hours from the time l
erected the lop-earcd, knock -kneed and club
footed Oolong in my household.
Perhaps this may have been largely due to
my ignorance of his habits. Possibly if had
been more familiar with his eccentrcities it
would have been all right; but as it was
thers was no book Of instructions given with
him, and couldn't seem to make him work.
During tho week following, the prospect
shaft of the Now Jerusalem mine struck n
subterranean gulf stream and water-logged
the stock, tall yellow dog, under the weight
of u great woe, picked out my cistcrn to sui
eide in, and skated down the cellar stairs
on nv shoulder blades and the chronological
location known as the love of home in such
n terrible manner az to jar the foundations
of tho earth and kick large hole out Of the
bosom Of the night
thon met with n change OF heart, and
overthrow the wnrty heathen god, and
knocked him galley west. My hens at once
began to watch the produce market, and,
noticing the light price OF eggs, commenced
to orate with great zeal instead of standing
around with their hands in their pockets. l
saw the now moon over my right shoulder.
and all nature seemed gay once more.
The above are few of my reasons for be-
lsving that the Chinese god is either greatly
over estimated, or else shippers and producers
are flooding the market with fraudulent
gods.