The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1884-04-12


wants one at the bottom of blank check; Lau-
renee Hutton wants an autograph and also wants
one of my children. How humanity natural that
is. Here this man must come to me, who have
hardly children enough to keep the wolf from
the door, and yonder is the King of Siam just
rolling in them. Mr.. Buell. of the Century,
wants an photographic humorous article 1t
seems to me that in all my life l never saw such
loads of frank, simple, unconscious, case hardened
cheek crammed into one little batch OF letters.
Mr.. Durham, Frank AIilet Moses Beach, the
Rev, Robert Collyer, William Carey, r. Swain
Clifford, ]. Hopkinson Smith, j. Watson Beach,
Horatio @. King Major Plunkett Brander Mat
thews, Col Fairchild, Dr. Billings of the War
. Department and about hundred others want
an autograph, and would enclose a stamp, but
as they are just starting, they do not wish
to establish AN expensive precedent
But if they had thought a moment,
these people would see that they are
establishing it after ALL and that am the suf
ferer. However, this was perfectly NATURAL you
take a busy man, with q clandestne AK to grind.
and he handy ever thinks ON any but one side
of a question. Prof r. W. Raymond wants an
autograph for an entirely agnary uncle and
Horace E, Scudder wants Photograph l
suppose he Thought that if he didn't say that
would send him only half n one, a,thing which l
would not think of doing for consider that
when q man starts in to do a thing he may as
well do it right as to stop half way The Rev
j. Hyatt Smith wants an autograph, and if | am
not willing to furnish it will | be kind enough
what pure insanity. that is. One would thinks it
would have occurred to, him that my written
fusal to furnish an autograph wor1d he an auto
graph itself. One of the most melancholy
things about this whole business is the evidence
it gives us that the intellects of so many of our
very best men are failing. Thomas Bailey
Aldrich wants an autograph because he admires
my Gabriel Conroy' so much did not write
James. But l suppose they hire Atlantic ed
itops, not for what they know, but
merely for what they think they can
dor Colonel Warning Colonel Pond Noah
Brooks and lot more want autographs to be
used for what Judge to be improper political
purposes. Julian Hawthorne George w Cable,
Charles Dudley Warner and George P Lathrop
want autographs just for love. In these four
cases am unable to discover any underlying
sinful motive"
Have you named all the applicants2" asked
the reporter
"Oh no; that would take too long Besides.
great number are ladies in private life. We
must not drag them out of it."
Were there any applications by telegraph"
Eyes. One from the city editor of the Com
merelal ADVERTISER, desiring autograph for
the fifth edition of his journal; one from Henry
F. Gilig. desiring an autograph to trade off
for Tennvson's now, while exchange is in our
favor; one from Bloodgood Cutter, the Long
Island farmer poet-in rhyme, of course; several
others from variG1ls parts of the country, and
one from Henry Peters, of New York, who says:
Isaac SEMI immediately, express paid. SIN
pounds of your heaviest water proof autographs
This telegram reveals the novice in
autograph hunting. There is no such
thing as waterproof autograph.
An autograph may be written on waterproof
substance. and then, by fiction of phraseology,
one may call it Il waterproof autograph, but it
will not in reality be one after all. If l had
time to elaborate this thought could make it
perfectly clear to YOU or, indeed, to any one,
that L am right in the assertions which L have
made. Water proof autograph is form which
may be used in poetry, because the exigen-
cies of poetry require and justify large
degree of liberty; but l I'm quite sure that in
prose-
Eyes, ] understand; / understand What
did you do about these Geographic autographs?'
IT answered them at once, because, as they
came by telegraph, it necessarily meant that the
case was, urgent"
Flow did you answer themf"
BY telegraph" replied the humorist
That does not meet the requirements of the
case. 1t is not your autograph
Well that is SO, isn't itF' Mr. Clemens said
slowly, as he moved to the window and looked
out
what are you going to do with all this cargo
of etters2a
PUT them together, and have an autograph
collection myself
DO you answer autograph applications, as
general thing, Mr.. Clemensr
Il used to do it always but it took up a good
deal of time, and T had to stop it. Of late years
things interfere, and so the matter ends with
the intention"
MIR Clemens, since have been sitting here
it has occurred to me that there is something
suggestive ia the fact that this deluge of letters
occurred last Tuesday" ventured the Suns rep
resentative
What is there suggestive about thatF
Tuesday was the lst of April, answered the
reporter
II don't quite get your idea" the author of
''Roughing 1t said Explain"
II should think that if you put this and that
together, the this and that must explain them
selves. The whole thing is evidently an April
fool joke, Mr.. Clemens a'a
ooh nonsense--you are a thousand miles out
of the way"
why soq'
Because at least two thirds of these letters
are from personal friends of mine. They could
have no Object III ApriIfooling me. You can
see, yourself by the general drift of the letters
that there isn't worldly -mindedness enough III
the entire gang to build so stately and gaIdy
joke as this would be if it were joke Dear me-
granting it joke wouldn't like anything better
than that the rest of the guild should go Oil and
add to it and make it complete. A lot of pleas
ant friendly, delightful letters like these, hail
ing from all the celebrities in America, would
form collection which could be very proud of
and very glad to possess l could stand a joke
like that"
well, your opinion to the contrary. Mr.. Gle
MEMS feel almost certain that it is vast April
fool joke vonturGd the caller
Nonsense; it is nothing of the kind. Here
can prove it to you by one simple, unassailable
fact which will convince even you, and that is
this: The very first letter of the lot came from
George w. Cable Now, Gable is not only very
particular friend of mine, and for that reason
would not play jokes on me, but he is a. poet by
nature and breeding, and, therefore, betweenyeu
and me, he hasn't really got practical sin enough
i'll him to invent joke"
well, that argument does seem unanswera-
Bile, and so l will not try to answer it, especially
as my time is PRESSING but will take my leave
now, with thanks for the attention you have
given this NATTER
The interviewer here took his departure, first
leaving a copy of the following card where Mr..
Clemens will presently discover it;
Private and Confidential
Ny Dear Mr.. Ut has been agreed among
friends of rs Il. Clemens that all his friends
will write him of this