davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-11-21

Wnr q II that girls named Lille are a.
WAYS dark brunettee and weigh bum
dred and sixty-ssven pounds'-Od CIV
Derrick.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-11-21

A NAY with cold IN bis head + like =
warrrfall - be d catarrh-racksd- n Inc
Judge.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1884-11-21

A prRsox who has al sorts q know!-
edge 81 bis ingers-ends--a. deaf-ano'aun1o
man
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
She Could Keep a Secret.

We're bound to be equal to you men,"
said the MasOn's wife we formed a secret
society of our own last"
Indeed" said the WOrshipful Master,
cOmpOsedly then l hope my dear that
your project may be successful. Is it a
benevolent society, or what?"
That's none of your business It's
secret society, and we've sworn by a sol
emn oath not to divulge anything relating
to it."
Very good, my DEAR" observed the
WOrshipful Master, returning to his paper;
I'm sure do not wish you to violate
your oath"
ut wouldn't matter if you did. l
wouldn't. You keep your secrets close
engough-and to think of that stupid Mrs.
FurbelOw She could neither remember
the grip nor the sign. 1t took us an hour
to teach her. When l gave her the sign,
like this (suits the action te the word
she would make it in this way-ha ha
Her stupidity would have been exasperat-
ing if it hadn't been ridiculous, and as for
learning the grip, why, she would have it
that it was this way-give me your hand
minute-there she would haveit that way,
while it was this way; and the pass word!
she couldn't keep it in her memory two
minutes. Over and over again l told her
it was Bejust and fear not and she would
have it Swear not at all, or Do unto others
as you would be done by Ha ha! We
almost despaired of getting it through her
head. But we made her understand at
last Oh, yes; we are going to have flour
ishing society, and we can be as secret
about it as you men are about yours"
Then the lady went off to attend to her
household duties and the Worshipful Mas
ter hid his face behind his paper and
smiled
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06

he had to give away. But this he never
suspected. He was very anxious to obtain
of the lady he fanced one of her slippers
to take up to his club to display as tro-
ply, but she Obstinately refused to give
him one. Then he begged the other girl
to steal one for shim. "Oh, l couldn't
she assured him, But if monsieur desires,
| will arrange it so that he can steal one
for himself" He did desire. He called
upon the dame and she assured him that
his inamorata was out and he could 60
into her room and capture the slipper,
which she told him where to look for it.
He entered the room, found the slipper and
brought it away. But he did not take it
to the club. He had not the courage to do
so, for the arttul mink who had put him up
to the theft had put pair of number eight
slipper there for him to steal, and if he had
exhibited his prize to his friends they
would probably have asked him if his
mash" was the giantess at the dime
museum. 1t made him disgusted with
the girl too He had never suspected her
of being so amply su. piled with pedal ex-
tremities, and thereafter he gave her the
cold shoulder, devOting himself to the plot
ter who had played the trick. After they
left New York the story was too good to
keep and SO the heroine told it, and she
and the victim are not friends nOw
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Worth a Licking.

Some years ago, in Georgia, that band of
Christians known as AscensiOnists were
having grand revival. One day when
the meeting was in full force storm came
up, and a young gentleman who was out
hunting with his servant took refuge in
the church door. Being curious to see the
service, the two hunters crept up into the
gallery, and there hid in place where
they could observe without being observed:
Come, Lord, come; our robes are ready
Come, Lord, come," cried the preacher,
while all present gave q loud amen"
"Marsa Gabe," whispered Cuffy, lifting
his hunting horn to his mouth, "let me glib
dem jist one tOOt."
"Put that horn down or I'll break your
head" replied the master in whisper.
The horn dropped by Cuffy's side, and
again the minister cried: Come, Lord,
come; we are all ready for Thy coming.
Come, Lord, come"
do, Marsa Gabe-do iist lemme glib
'em one little toot," pleaded Cuffy. wetting
his lips and raising the horn.
''If you don't drop that horn, Cuffy, I'll
whip you within an inch of your life, y
whispered the exasperated master.
BLOW, Gabriel, blow; we are ready for
his coming. Blow, Gabriel, blow" pleaded
the minister.
Cufy could no longer resist the tempta-
tioD, and sent wild peal ringing from end
to end of the church; but long before its
last echo died away his master and himself
were the only occupants of the building. q
"I's ready fur de licking, Marsa Gabe,,
said Cuffy, showing every tooth in his
head, ''fur l clare to gracious it's WORT two
lickings to to see de way common farm
cattle kin git ober de ground wild skeared
'Scensionists behind dem. m."--Editor's
Drdcer, in Harper's Magazine for March.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
The Best Man in Illinois.
Bloomington Mail. |

Whoa, Whoa'p! exclaimed broad
shoulder emigrant, as he drew up in front
of saloon in Bloomington in an early day.
dad, let's 60 in an have little corn
Juice"
Just then a man came out of the log
palace head over heels, and another man
after him, striking him with his fist at
every revolution.
Enough! Enough" yelled the van
quished individual.
"Yee-OOp!" shouted the victor. "I'm the
best man in the State of Illinois,"
whoa. Whoa-pr' cried the old man in
the wagon. "John, amt we in tEelynOy ?"
"Yes, pap"
"Well, we can't stand that air kind O.
talk. Git out and whale i'm, John"
John came down from the wagon, and
soon had the bully begging for mercy.
"I'm the best man in Illinois," shouted
John.
Whoa! Whoa-pr' ~ called the old man as
his bleared eyes flashed fire and his palsied
hands twitched nervously. Somebody
hold this ERE team" A stranger vOlun-
teered to do so, and the old man walked
up to his exultant son and said
"JOhn, yer furgit at er old mans in Eely-
nOy," and he gave him sound thrashing,
while the bystanders applauded.
"I'm the best man in Eelynoy," the old
man yelled, cracking his fists together and
jumping up and down, and no one disputed
his word AS they went in the young man
said:
you're right, dad, au' yer boy comes
next"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
An Unpleasant AfterthOught.

Now" said drummer number one, as
the train pulled out of Pittsburg, II have
bottle of whisky. Let's sit down and
have real good time. l only wish we
had sugar and ice, we could have some
tOddy."
''I've some sugar. said drummer num-
Der two, unstrapping his valise.
'And my brother has some ice," said
drummer number three; "he's, in the
baggage car. I'll just step in and get
some"
And he did
The toddy was brewed and retrieved.
The whiskey hottie was large one, the
supply of sugar seemed inexhaustible, and
drummer number three made as many Wis
its to the baggage car as the occasion de-
manded.
However, just as they were all feeling
good and were about to compound fare
well drink, number three returned empty
handed.
"Very sorry boys" he remarked, but the
baggage man says if l take any morce ice
off my brother he won't keep"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Confronted With His VIllainy.

New York Morning Journal.
When Mr.. Popperman threw off his
overcoat last evening his wife said:
my dear, this is your birthday.
Now, what kind OF a present would you
prefer? ?"
We'll, money"
That's just the kind of present l have
for you," and Mrs. Popperton took from
beneath her apron a plethoric bag, and
emptied upon the table pile Of jingling
coins There's your birthday present"
The husband looked at the coins in
amazement, and then said:
why, my dear, the money is no good.
There is nothing here but lead quarters
and dimes with holes in 'em. Here's a
quarter with hole in it, and the hole is
bigger than the quarter What confound-
ed rascal palmed that money on you, my
dear? Oh! the lscoundrels there are in
the world"
"Calm yourself, my dear, said Mrs. Pop
perman. THAT money must all be good.
That's what you've given me for pin money
since we've been married"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Faith in Her Word.
Merchant Traveller.

A lady with daughter of uncertain age
gave it out that she was only 20. At a
party one evening she vas speaking of her
daughter and lady remarked:
How old did you say Mary was"
Mary is just past 90"
"Ah! l should think she was older than
that"
Eyes, everybody takes her to be older
than she is, because, you see, Mary has
such quiet ways Good evening, DR.. jones'
she said, as an old gentleman came up !;
1--WE were just talking of Mary, and the
lady was quite surprised to hear me say
she was so young you know she is only 20.
"Of course, Madam, of course for I've
heard you tell it for the last ten years, at
least, and have every confidence in any,
thing you would say, Madam"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
An Arkansas Proposal.

Can have few words with you, sir 2"
asked young Arthur Greggie, entering
richly carpeted officer and addressing Col.
Bibley
II suppose you can," the Colonel replied,
nervously turning in his revolving chair
and glancing at Arthur in way so devoid
of interest that the young man inwardly
wished he had not sought an interview
with the crusty old fellow.
Il will not detain you long, for know
that your time is well occupied"
1T was well occupied" said the Colonel.
whether or not it is well occupied -"
Your sarcasm, Colonel, is lost on me-
You could, no doubt, spend your time more
proftably than by talking to me-"
mo doubt" the colonel assented.
81 am glad to see" said the young man,
bowling, "that there are subjects on which
we agree, and since you have unwittingly
led me- step by step, to the very threshold
of the subject in which, above all others,
desire your concurrence, will at once open
the door. ! think that l would make an
admirable son-in-law. Do you agree with
me?"
Il do You would undoubtedly make
good sOn-in-law-Of a donkey"
"Ah, see. Then pray allow me to ask
your daughters hand in marriage"
The Colonel glared at the young man
for a moment, and replied: "Ifimpudence
were wit, then / would regard you as capa-
BILE of taking care of wife,"
And if arrogance were generosity, then
would have no hesitancy in approaching
you"
"Ah, you are quite equal to any emer-
gency So you love my daughter with a
truth and depth of devotion which in
future shall ever prevent any other love
from arising to the surface; do you think
that in after years, when your ambition
has elevated you to the height Of lOnged-
for eminence, that your love will be strong
enough to keep pace with your advance
ment, and lift my child step by step as you
yourself are litted?"
IL do" solemnly said the young man, in
clining his head in reverence.
"My daughter is loving, but not ambi-
tious. In her life affection will be every
thing Will you ever speak cross to herr"
Never"
"What assurance have ?"
"This, sir and the young man drew a
bottle from his side pocket.
What have were? Kentucky"
Kentucky"
"th," said the Colonel, as he took the
bottle. Here's looking at you"
Drink hearty" the young man replied,
and, taking the bottle, he held it up and
added: Here's to the hair of your head"
The marriage was solemnly celebrated,
and the young man, who is horse doctor,
has begun to ascend the ladder of ambi-
tiOn.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
TO Europe in Four Days.
Hartford Post


A French engineer, VI. Sebillot, proposes
to shorten the time between this continent
and Europe to four days. His idea is to
adapt to ocean navigation, on more acute
and longer scale, the idea which models
the North river steamers and the ferry
boats OF the East river. 1t is that of hav
ing virtually two hulls, lower and al
upper, the lower in the center to be deep.
long, narrow, and at the bows very sharp.
reducing the angle forward by the line of
the bows where they cut the water with
the line of the vessels motion from one to
fifteen degrees, as now, to even three de-
grees. The lower hull will thus preserve
width from stem to stern of only third
the width of the upper hull, and the latter
Will either be out of water or, when the
vessel is deeply laden, will barely rest upon
the water. He estimates that a vessel Of
10000 tons as compared with the newest
fast steamers, with 10000 horse power,
1,20O feet immersed croSs-section, and run
ming 20 knots per hour in calm water,
would show speed of 30 knots, and prob
ably 30 knots. 1t follows that such yes
sci could cross the ocean, in calm water,
from New York to Europe in about four
days. This is by no means an extravagant
suppOsitiOn, as the tneness of the lines is
out of comparison with the usual lines in
fast steamers and can be compared only
with those of some fine race boats re-
nowned for their speed, and built either
shallow and wide or narrow and deep, the
new type partaking of both those princi-
pies and carrying them to the utmost. 1t
is possible experience might show that
the shape of the PROV will cause such
vessel to be much less influenced by rough
weather than the ordinary shape. The
ocean-traveling public would gladly well
come the day when M. Sebillot's new
rapid transit idea shall become fact
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
The CamOrra.


This secret society still exists in Naples,
in spite of all the efforts that have been
made to root it ont. In the vulgar accept
alton of the term, the Camorra is simply an
association of criminals, but with ramifica-
tions extending through all classes of So
ciety, even to the highest seat of authority.
To give an example of its primitive mode
of expression: You hire a cab, and at the
moment you take your seat the driver
throws a half penny to the ground. A
ragged urchin picks it up, not for himself,
for the Camorra; that is its share-its tithe
ON the drivers profit. The Camorra takes
cognizance of everything. If you have a
house to sell you must pay a tax to the So
ciety, otherwise you will get no purchaser
Do you wish to buy one? Then pay again,
else there will be conspiracy to raise the
price. Now and again you meet man
with his face disfgured with scar. The
scar is the stamp of the society. The bear
er is CamOrra who has offended against
its rules, and as a punishment has been
marked with a razor. l know foreign
manufacturer who dismissed two of his
wOrkmen, who afterward threatened to
stab him. At first he paid no heed to their
threats, but finding the matter becoming
serious he acted upon the advice of friend
and waited upon a Camorrist leader. The
latter said to him, "Are you disposed to
pay US s1O year, in return for which we
guarantee that no one shall touch you?'
Agreed" said the foreigner. The chief
sent for the two wOrkmen, who were mem
bers of the CaInorra, and said to them,
From this day the signore is under our
protection" The stranger was rever mo-
Tested after that; and what is more extra
ordinary is, that every time he pays his
contribution, the Camorra chief asks him,
with an amiable smile, if he has no little
4 commission for him to execute.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
A DOiOrOus Tale.

At certain hotel in Peoria, where the
meals were not always what they should be
a merchant traveller one day, sat down to
the table. He put dollar under tum-
bier and calling waiter said:
do you see that dollar, Jim 2"
Eyes, sab, P" replied Jim, with grin.
well, now, Jim, l want you to get me
a real good, first-class dinner. You under
stand?"
"Yes, sah" and Jim set out about furnish
ing feast fit for a king. He hunted up new
dishes, put extra touches on everything
and kept his eye on the dollar. Finely the
NJ T. finished, and, wiping his mouth, he
winked at jim:
"Yes, sah," grinned the darkey, in antici-
patton.
Jim, do You see that dollar?" putting his
hand on it in generous way.
"Yes, sah,"
well, you will never see it again." and
invent into hispocket and out of the dining
room, while Jim Indignantly remarked: ::
''Fo' de Lawd, who turned dat hog loose
in heah ?n
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Capital Punishment in Italy.

The new Italian Penal Code altogether
abolishes capital punishment. From 1866
to 1874, when the application of the death
sentence in fact ceased, the following num-
Der of capital sentences were pronounced
In 1866 eighty y-ope persons were condemned
to death, but none were executed. In 1867
seven persons were executed out of seven
ty-five condemned 1868, seventy-twO con-
demned and only seven executed; 1869, no
fewer than Ill sentences of death were
passed. but only four persons were exc
cuted 1870, 102 condemned, one executed;
1872, 122 condemned, two executed; 1872,
forty condemned, two executed 1873,
seventy three condemned, five executed;
1884, eighty-seven condemned, three exc
cuted During the following years the
capital sentences were not less in number,
but no one was executed.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Huxley on AgnOsticism.

Huxley, the inventor of the term, de-
clares agnOsticism is the essence of science,
whether ancient or modern. 1t simply
means that man shall not say he knows
or believes that which he has no scientific
grounds for protesting to know or believe.
Consequently, agnosticism puts aside not
only the greater part of popular anti-the-
Ology. On the whole, the book of hetero-
doxy is more offensive to me than that
part of orthodoxy, because heterodoxy
processes to be guided by reason and sci
ence, and orthodoxy does not. The theO-
logical, gnosis would have us believe that
the world is a coniurer's house the anti
theological gnosis talks as if it were dirt
pie, made by the two blind children, Law
and Force. Agnosticism simply says that
we know nothing of what may be beyond
phenomena"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
A MORNINGS WORK

A broken brooch, a mislald ring,
4 heap OF foamy lace,
s ribbon bright, a crimping pin
Is not a thing in place?
4 slipper warm In the pressing foot,
Its mate-where hidden now?
A tiny bow, little glove
Rent in the palm, | vow,
A thimble, meath the rocker crushed,
A thread of wool and floss,
A pretty bit of Kensington,
Half finished ferns and moss,
A ballad new, a bit of verse,
A problem half wrought out,
A map half ftraced-the tasks, | think,
Left grille in n pout.
Across the hall, the sciences
And games are worse than mixed:
Itsurely think my little lad
Has his room nicely fixed
A Virgil leaning craZily
Against ball club there,
And nearly half pound of twine
Is hanging on chair
An algebra-the lesSon-place
Kept by peanut shell
a strap and ring, an apple core,
A shoe-lace and bell,
s. collar soiled, a crumpled tie,
A cap crushed in a ball,
A wicker cage but half complete
Iwonder is this all?
A pair of skates, a crumpled note
Who ever would have thought!
The precious scamp! It's such scrawl,
And signed, Yours ever, Dot"
And who, in wonder, may Dot" be?
Thought him shy of girls;
Inever thought he'd know if they
Wore wigs of tow or curls.
Ah me! pause to think, erewhile,
How strange it all would seem
If ever there should come time
But pshaw i must not dream.
Better gather all the trinkets up,
And put each in its place,
Than have a home all orderly,
Yet miss each darling face.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
General HaZen and the Weather.

Inc Hatcnet.
General Hazen came down to the signal
Office the other morning and meeting
Lieutenant Caziarc instructed him to
prOphesy rain in the weather indications.
But, General" said Lieutenant CaZiarc,
"my cat washed her face with her tail to
the north pole this morning"
"Well," answered General Hazen, "and
seven sparrows Lit on the telegraph wire
near my house this morning and arranged
their plumage."
"And, General, my little yellow dog
chased his tail all over the yard last night"
said Lieutenant Caziarc.
"Are you sure ?" inquired General
Hazen.
Certain" answered his subordinate.
well, then" said General Hazen, sin
view of those unfailing signs, l guess you
had better indicate fair and partly cloudy
weather, probable local rains, rising, fol-
lowed by falling barometer, and general
depression Of temperature in places where
the thermometer don't rapidly rise"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Story Of a Poker Playing Senator.
New York World.

New York World
Senator Tom Bowen, of Colorado, has
what is called poker face, and is said to
be the best poker player in the world. He
always has poker hand, too, or the persons
playing with him think he has, and he de-
rives large income from the game. They
say of him out in Denver that when he
wanted four jacks once at poker, and had
but three, he quietly dropped his fourth
card and substituted his photograph. He
nlayed il for a lack too.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
Helena, Montana, Thursday, March 6, 1884,

got you to say yes; and we might both
have been forever miserable. But now,
how happy we are going to be for all the
rest of our lives ~
Still it was dreadfully mean trick, :"
murmured Kitty as she allowed Joe to kiss
her again behind Uncle Jerry's back land
if you ever say word about it to any one,
I'll never forgive you-neveI."
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
He Asked a Favor.

Now, darling, will You grant me one
favor before go?"
'Yes, George, will" she said, dropping
her eyelashes and getting her lips in shape,
'What is the favor / can grant you %
'Only little song at the piano, love. l
am afraid there is a dog outside waiting
for me, and l want to scare him away.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
He Believed 1t.
Free Press. ]

Free Press.
A colored individual who went down on
the slippery flags at the corner of Wood
ward avenue and Congress street scrambled
up and backed out into the street and
took long look towards the roof of the
nearest building.
"You fell from that third story window"
remarked pedestrian who had witnessed
the tumble.
"Boss, i believes yerw was the prompt
reply; "but what puzzles me am de ques-
ton of how got up dar, an why | was
leanin outer de winderw
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-03-06
He Wanted One of Her Slippers as a
Trophy.
Boston Clobe.1

Two ladies, members of the French
Opera Company, were stopping at the same
house in New York, a boarding house
kept by Frenchmap. 1t seems that a
rich young New Yorker took great fancy
to one of the damsels, much to the disgust
of the otherswho preferred herself to mo-
nopolize his attentions and the diamonds