Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1884-04-17

the water.
"Why, Mr.. Jenkins, Ithoughty you were
in the hospital" calculated a pretty
Washington girl to her caller last night.
"In the hospital ?" he queried,' with
genuine State Department infection.
What made you think that?" "Why,
papa said at breakfast this morning that
he neVer saw man shoot OF his mouth
like you did yesterday"
A man was quietly munching a piece
of pie in a cafe when look of distress
suddenly displaced the serene expression
on his face. Taking something from be-
tween his teeth and looking at it he cried
to the waiter: Here, you, there's stone
glanced at it critically, and handing it
back, briefly said: It's no good to us !;
you can have it,"
Deacon Dewgood's son returned home
very late the other night from a pressing
engagement with his pretty sweetheart.
"Where have you been ?" groWled the
old man, as the youth came sneakiHg up
stairs in his stocking feet. "Dear father"
he replied, 81 cannot tell a lie; I've been
to a prOtracted meeting" And the good
old man upbraided himself for having
treated his pious son so harshly.
"Uncle, when sis sings in the choir
Sunday nights, why does she go behind
the organ and taste the tenor's NOUS
tache 2" ooh, don't bother me, sonny;
l suppose they have to do it to find out
if they are in tune"
A couple of Vassar girls were found
by professor fencing with broOmsticks
in a gymnasium. He reminded the
young girls that such an accomplish
ment would not aid them in securing
husbands. ''It will help us to keep
them in" replied one of the girls.
A clergyman's daughter, looking over
the MSS. left by her father in his study,
came upon the following sentence 81
! love to look upon young man. There
is hidden potency in his breast which
charms and pains me-" She sat down
and blushingly added: "Them's my
sentiments exactly, papa-all but the
pains"
My DEAR" said a sensible Dutchman
to his wife, who for the last hour had
been shaking her baby up and down
on her knee, ST don't think so much
butter is good for the child" Butter,
l never give my ATtie any butter; what
an ideap 81 mean to say you have
been giving him good feed Of milk out
of the bottle, and now you have been an
hour churning it,"
Cleveland has young lady who has
had bullet in her head for three weeks.
That's nothing. Some society ladies,
who are fond of dancing, have their
"heads full of balls all winter.
There is nothing like putting your
whole sole into your work, is what the
mother said when she was giving her
! had how a GOOD HEATING
If our horse-car conductors were wo-
men there would not be so many delays
on our street railways on account of mis-
placed switches.
A house-keeper asks: "What is the
simplest way to keep jelly from
moulding on the top?" Shut small boy
up in thepantry for few minutes.
The most egotistical of the United
| States, 'Me." -LoaOeU Courier. The most
religious, "Mass"-The Hatchet The
poorest in health, ''In"-PretzeP8 Weekly.
The father of all States, "Pa."-HolIs
Hook. The most craving, Mo."-HotUGrd
Grip.
eyes, my dear" said Mrs. Ramsbottom,
speaking of her invalid uncle, "the poor
old gentleman has had stroke of paren-
thesis, and when I last saw him he was
| III a SCaC6 OF comma.
A gentleman going down the Rue de
! RivOh received at his feet chimney
which had been blown over by gale
Thanks" he said, 81 never smoke. +"
Calino, who saw how near this gentle
man came to being hit by the chimney,
cried eff the gentleman had been only
two steps farther on he would have been
struck on the head. I will walk very
slowly hereafter, so that the chimneys
will fall before 1 am under them" -PGri8
Pleasantly.
In Germany the police regulations are
very strict, and any violation of them
is promptly punished. The people have
a holy terror of the law. Two gentle
men happened to meet in, Berlin and the
following conversation took place /:
'Have you heard the dreadful news
about Miller?" ono, what is it ?" "He
was in boat in the river. He fell
overheard and was drowned. The
water was too deep" "Did't he know
how to swim2" "Swim! don't you
know that all persons are forb idden by
the police to swim in the riVer?"
"Did you ever find anything of value,
Uncle SpyP l asked, after telling him
about finding pearl ring that morning.
! 'Yeh, sab; l foun' pus once wild $40
in it." 'Did you, what did you do with
it? You din't keep it, of course?" 'Yeh,
sab; did dat berry ting rs strictly
honest. wouldn't take no mans pus.
1 lef' it where he could get it, but took
de money out fust-'twan't his'n no mo-.
[ doee fin it; it was my money den.
But de pus was his'n, n long as live I
amt gwine to take no mans pus."
II Harper 8 Drawer.
"I declare, Charley" exclaimed Clara,
''you take the words right out of my
MOUTH 80, mammal piped the little
pitcher, "now know what Clara and
Charley were doing out in the hall when
she let him inn
Excited chairman Ito persistent inter
rupter): keep your tongue between
your teeth, sir" Persistent interrupter
| ed make so bold as to recommend Won