The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1884-12-25

This world Is flIlci with woe every.
where you 60. Sorrow is piled up in
the fence corners on every road. Una
vailing regret and red-nosed remorse
inhabit the cot of the tic-chopper rs
well as the cut-glass cage of the mill
ionaire. The woods are full of disap-
pointment. Tho earth is convulsed
with the universal sob, and the roads
IRE muddy with tears. But l do not
call to mind more touching picture
of unavailing misery and ruin and
hopeless chaos than the plug hat that
has endeavorcd to keep sober and
maintain its self-rcspect while its owner
| is drunk. A plug hat can stand pros
pcrity, and shine forth joyously while
nature smiles. That's the place where
1t seems to thrive. A tall silk hat
looks well on thrifty man with a
clean collar, but it cannot stand dissi-
| patton.
l once knew n plug hat that had
been respected by every one and had
won its way upward by steady cndeav-
or. No one knew auyht against 1t till
one evening. in nm evil hour.it consent
ed to attend banquet, and all at
| once lis JOYOUS career ended. 1t met
nothing but d;.trust and cold neglect
| everywhere N that.
Drink seems TO make n man tempo
rarily, Gnna.ural!y exhi!aratcd. During
the temporary exhiiaration he desires
to attract attention by eating lobster
salad out OF his own hat and sitting
down on his neighbor's.
The demon rum is bad enough on
Al, oooS;,r, ,f sho stomach b,t - 10
| even more disastrous 10 the tall hat.
| A man may mix up in n crowd and
carry off an overdose of valley tan in
n soft hat Or cap, but the silk hat
will proclaim it upon tho house-tops
and advertise it to the gaping, wonder
| In world. l. has a way of getting
back on the rear elevation Of the head.
OF over the bridge Of the nose. or Of
hanging coque;tisaly on one ear that
says to the eag'e-cyed public, Il ain
choek-full."
| can not call to mind moro power
full lecture on temperance than the 81
lent pantom:me Of man trying TO
hang his plug hat on an invisible peg
| in his own hall after he had been watch
| iny the returns three Years ago. / saw
! that he was excited and neryously Un-
! strung when lie come in, but | did not
fully realize it until he began to hang
| his hat on the smooth wall.
At first he laughed in 4 good-naturcd
way at his awkwardness and hung it
up again carefully; but ut last he be-
came irrita.cd about it, and almost for
got himself enough TO swear, but con-
trolled himself. Finding, however.
that it refused to hang up, and that
il seemed rather restless anyhow, he
put it in the corner OF the hall with tho
crown up, pinned it to the floor with
his umbrellas, and heaved sigh Of re-
Lief. Then he took eff his oyercoas and,
through clerical error. pulled of his
dress-coat also. | showed him his
mistake and oif.rcd 10 assist him back
into his apparel. but he said he hadn't
got so old and feeble yet that he
couldn't dress himself.
Later en- hc came into the parlor
wearing \ linen ulster. with tho belt
dropping behind him like the broken
harness to shipwrrckcd and stranded
mule. His wife looked ut him in a
way that froze his blood. This startled
him so that he stepped ba",.. pace or
two, tangled his feet in his surcingle,
clutched wildly al the empty gas-lignt,
but missed it, and sat down i'll q tall
u.ajolica cuspidor.
There were three games of whist GO
ing ON when he fell, and there was a
good deal of excitement over the play-
Ing. but after he had been pulled out
Of the American tear-jug and led away,
every one of the twelve whist-players
had forgotten what the trump was.
They say that he has abandoned pol
itics since then. and that now he
don't care whether We have any more
November elections or not | asked
him once if he would be active during
the 1884 campaign, rs usual, and he
said he thought not. He said a man
couldn't afford TO be too active in a
political campaign. His Substitution
wouldn't stand it.
At that time he didn't care much
whether the American people had |
President or not. Ii every public-spirit
ed voter had got TO work himself NJ
into state of nervous cxcitability ans
prostration where reason iottercd OF
its throne, he thought that we needet
q reform.
Those who wished to furnish rea
sons to toiter on their thrones for tn
National Central Committee at SO mucl
per tot could do so; he, for one, didn'
propose 10 farm out his immortal sou
and plug hat to the party il 10000, CO..
people had to stand four years unde
the administration of II setting hen.
Bill Nye tn Puck.