Connecticut western news., 1884-04-09
WIT AND WISDOM

THE grain market is daily quoted, but it don't give every one agreeable meals. -Hartford Sunday Journal.
 AN exchange says mush has become a popular dish in society. Nothing seems Co take in society like something soft.
 "wnY do you shiverp' was asked poor little boy at the city hall. "Thats the only way can keep warm, sir, was the pathetic reply.
 "How CAN biting dog be distn- guished from a peaceful ono if met on the highway" It he bites chunks out of your legs he is pieeeiull.
 DURING this treacherous soason of the year the true secret of health is to keep the mouth shut. The same rule applies to Presidential candidates.
 KELLEY is arranging the yibrators to his motor now, and it is thought that as the countryman once said: Perhaps he mote-but then again he moten't"
 TIE way to distinguish between dairy butter and oleomargarine is Co draw fine tooth comb through it. If it comes out covered with hair it is dairy butter.
 WE are surprised 10 learn that Daniel Montague has the oldest piano in the United States. We have always sup posed the family next door owned it.
 IT beats thunder that we can't induce our subscribers to pay up. They think we want money to fool away buying white elephants. .-Newman Tndcpend- ent.
 A ST. LOUIS girl married q man on fifteen minutes acquaintance, because she knew if she waited until she knew him better she'd never have him. Boston Post.
 WHEN one reflects that the annual rag business of the United States foots up over S2, ,o00, 900, the aged oyercoat that fingers in the lap of spring assnmes an air of responsibility.
 STYLISH young ladies are wearing little gold kangaroos on their watch chains. Oh the artful things. The moment man sees kangaroo he can't help re- membering that it is lenp year.
 A LITTLE boy discovered not long ago that two of his teeth were loose. "I'n going to look out now," said he, "and not swallow those. l don't want these same old teeth coming up again.
 EMMA ABBOTT says "the voice of . prima donna is as delicate as new born babe" And the voice of Q new born babe is as delicate as prima donna That is to say, it is very loud.
 A TAmoR.sHoP bears on its window the the British coat-of-arms, on which is the motto: "Eirus Soiidds." Now. if anybody would Fixus as Solidas Van. derbilt, we could patronize the establish. ment.
 THIs is about the time of year that the city man thinks he would like to own a place in the country, and make a fortune in few years by training dried- apple vines to elinb bean poles. -Chi. eago Sun.
 "IN tearing down house l50 years old, in Rhode Island, lately, the work men found a lot of leaf tobacco and 100 old-fashioned cigars" This would seem to indicate that at one time cigars were made of tobacco.
 WHEN a Boston girl desires to shake lover she says: "You will greatly oblige me by making your exit" In Montana, where language is scarce, the girl simply points 10 the door and says: "Git. ."-BisBdrck 7Eibune.
 SHE - "Where have you been deorgeP" He-"oh, only wont out into the foyer to get drink of water. !" She Burning away her head)-"Meroy [ It smells more like fire water than foyer water. r."-Boston Transcript
 "MY dear boy, the business world is divided into camps, the gamblers and the speculators. "T don't exactly see the difference" "It's very simple. The speculator is the one who gains. When man loses he is only gambler !"
 A TEST to reveal the existence of cartarrh: Repeat aloud the name of the novel, "Kenelm Chillingly." If you can do this, and get in no b's or d's, you are perfectly free frob cold i'd the head and cad sig at a codcert. --Pitts6urg Chron- iclc- Telegraph.
 CHARLES MONTAGUE DE PooBvr1tE l;
 "win you tell your sister am herep"
 Maud "Well, I'd like to oblige you,
 only she's in the back parlor with Mir.
 Bachelor Crnsus, and mamma says if l
 interrupt them must go to bed without
 my supper. ."-Life.
 A BOY found woman's switch in the opera house and returned it Co her.
 "Thank you, my little man" said the lady; "you are an honest boy" "oh, , no, I'm not 80 very honest; but I know what am." "What are you, then 2' "A hair restorer. "-Detron Free Press. 2 LITTLE Frank, aged five, was mol { awake when the rest of the family went V down to breakfast the other morning. ]. Just as the meal was finished, he made
 his appearance at the dining.room door n His mother rallied him upon his tardi f ness, and he replied, rather shamefaoed O ly, "I guess 1 slept myself over" e LITTLE WALTER had been somo tim, ,- ailing, and his mother, psrtieularl, fl struck with his paleness one morning d exclaimed, "Why, Walter" (pronounc s ing with emphasis his full npme), 'yot t are getting to look too white for an, u girl P "That's cause you wash me s' it much, !" confidently asserted the child. . No NoRwEarAS girl is permitted C o have a beau until she can bake bread e and the consequence is that she is al it ao,,t ;n tb,s culinary art long hofpr