News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-03-20
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER.
A ACOmprOmise-WhPreT They Went-Dinerant
Views-LOve's Young Dream-Why she
Was Angry-KeepinR Ducks. ETC., Etc.
A NOBLE GIRL.

Was Angry-Keeping Ducks. ETC., Etc.
, NOBLE GIRL.
''No, Mr.. Slim, I cannot be your wife
Ny father has just failed in business,
and my first thoughts must be for him. .
81 hadn't heard of your fathers fail
ure,' exclaimed Mr.. Slim in great sur
prise and not little dismay. "When
did it occur ?"
"Only yesterday" she replied. Cali OF
our possessions are swept away, and we
are very poor indeed. I do not hesitate
IN saying that were it otherwise your
profered love would be very dear to me,
but now my poor father demands my
undivided devotion"
''Noble girl p said Mr. Slim, as he
hurried away.-PhiIadelphia Evening
Call.
GOOD LOCATION.
Resident-''You don't intend to open
a shop in this barren waste, do you ?"
Plumber-"Yes, L have just bought
the property"
Resldent-''But you are half a mile
away from the nearest house, and fully
a mile from the center of the town."
Plumber-F'Yes; know it. That is
where my profit comes H."
Resident-"How 500"
Plumber-''It will take me half a day
to come back after my tools. "--Phiza-
dellhio Evening Call.
THEY COST MONEY.
Mrs. B.-'Isn't this strange ?"
Mr.. B.-"What is strange, dear ?"
Mrs. B.-"The paper says that a
Georgia man, now worth $3.50, 900, never
wore pair of shoes until after he was 21
years of age."
Mr.. B.-'I don't see anything re-
markable about that"
Mrs. B.-"You don't ?'
Mr.. B.-"Certainly not. He proba-
bly, inherited the $3.50, 900 from his
father,
Mrs. B.-"But how did his father get
so much money ?"
Mr.. B.-"He saved it on shoes. -
PhiI0delroItia EUe7aing Can.
RUNNING A sAWNILL WITH WHISKY.
"How are you?" asked Denman.
'Pretty well, thank you; but I've
just been to doctor to have him look at
my throat?"
| "What's the matter?'
"Well, the doctor couldn't give me
any encouragement. At least he
couldn't find what I wanted him to
find"
"What did you expect him to find?'
'I asked him to look down my throat
for the saw-mill and farm that had gone
down there"
''And did he see nothing of it?"
''No, but he advised me if L ever got
another to run it by water"
WAS SHE MAD.
"I'm Just as mad as [ can be - ex-
claimed AnnabelIe, as she entered the
house. her face flushed with vexation or
anger, as one might choose to call it. |
"Why, what is the matter, BELIEF" asked
her mother. "Matter enough, mother"
replied Annabelle "This world is utter
Iy selfish, and despise it. 1 fell down
on the Ice, little below here, and what
do you think? The tirst.man who came
along said he hoped [ had broken no
bones. Well, he was a surgeon. Next,
Grosgrain, the dry goods dealer, told me
he trusted my clothing was not injured
and then Mrs. Scrub, the washerwoman,
hoped my underg garments weren't soiled. |
But can forgive all these, considering
broke no bones, did not injure my
clothing or soil my undergarments: they
are in business, and were looking out for
business. But [ won't forgive that
Smlthbury. He came along and helped
me up, saying he hoped 1 hadn't hurt
myself. That was all right, but I saw
him smile twice, once when | fell and
again when he spoke to me; and l hate
him. I tell you this is selfish, cruel,
sordid, unfeeling word-there !'-Bos-
ton Transcript.
WHERE THEY WENT.
A farmer boarded Central train at
Syracuse the other day and took his
seat beside a handsomely uniformed
army officer on his way to his post at
Governors Island.
"Well, sir" commenced the officer,
keen for little fun, chow are the potato
bugs this year? Good crop?"
The old man eyed him moment and
shook his head sadly.
"Ain't no more potato bugs" said he.
Cant find an insect in New York State
nowhere. Even the army worm is
gone"
"Have, eh % replied the officer, with
a grin. "What has become of them ?"
'I don't know" sighed the old man.
'Leastway 1 don't know fur sure, but
hearn that good many on 'em have
been jugged for duplicating their pay
accounts I"
QUALITY SUPERIOR TO QUANTITY.
"My dear" said a Brooklyn man to
his wife, after perusing the evening
paper, 'are you aware of the fact that
mans brain weighs three and hall
pounds?'
you've Just read that, haven't youP"
eyes"
"Well, doesn't the article say that a
woman's is somewhat lighter ?"
''It certainly does."
'And it also informs you that a wo-
mans brain is of much finer quality?"
eyes"
"Well, then, just concentrate your
three, and-a-half- pound intellect on that
scuttle. and figure out how much it will
weigh after you bring it up full of coal
from the cellar"
The man with great head departed
for the lower regions in search OF IN
| formation.
LOVES YOUNG DREAM.
Goose sweet pwecious Is oo?"
"lse oore sweet pwecious.
"Oose hungry title bit p
'I'se could nibble itsy bitsy."
"Oose sail have lunchy, pweclous.
''Itsy bitsy chicky-wing, sweetsy'
"Tiddy iddy darl', have cookey 2?
"No, ownest-own-a pickule.
They were not idiots on their way to
retreat for the feeble-minded or lunatlcs
going to an asylum. They were married
lovers, had been married nearly Two
hours and were taking their first lunch
rNAaNE N