The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1884-09-19
WIT AND HUMOR.
A war-horse Is always spoken OF rs
q heavy charger, and yet we never hear

q heavy charger, and yet we never hear
I tailor being called a war-horse.
A sculptor has just completed statue
called .'slumber." 1t does not repre-
sent policeman on duty, as many
suppose.
When a concern fails In China the
debtors heads are cut off and thrown
In with the assets. That Is the way
their creditors get head of them.
When young girl begins TO take an
interest in the arrangement OF young
mans necktie IL is an infallible sign
Of something more serious than sisterly
regard. p.
"Ilost my dog. said Mrs. X "Why
don't your husband look for himP"
some one asked. who, Jimp Why.
you know Jim's on the detective force.
He can't find anything"
A young lady who lately received a
boquet of roses was somewhat amused
TO md the donors visiting card ut
tachcd to Ii, aud written on the wrong
side the words: mot 10 exceed 5s."
A Michigan man recently acquired
the habit OF smoking cigarettes against
khS oppoSAhiou VA OhkiO
family. Three weeks later his uncle
in England died and left him fortune
Of $3.50. 900.
doctor, come to see you about
my younger brother" What Is the
matter with him?' Ono of his legs
is shorter than the other and he limps.
Now. what would you do in case of
that kind?" 81 reckon I'd limp. too"
What are you slowing up for?"
yelled freight conductor 10 an en-
gineer on one of our Vermont roads.
why. we've run over Il book agent"
"Drat it all, then. why don't you keep
onp We cant kill him unless the
whole train runs over him. "-Burling-
ton Free Press.
A considcrate tramp was encountered
few days ago. He promised to cut
some wood in return for a meal, but
after eating, he looked Mt tho wood
and said: ..lady, l don't believe l
could cut that satisfactory to you. and
l would not like TO make bad job of
it. Good day."-Boston Post.
This book is of no value whatever"
said the literary editor to the managing
vi uaA1. ods WO
get SO much advertising from the pub
fishers that dislike to cut it up. What
shall l dop" ''Well you might say
that the binding is remarkably hand
some," was the reply.-Boston Globe.
Whistle all the time. Sing the rest
of the time. Hum bar of every new
opera necessarily. Drum on the table
with your fingers and pat on the floor
with your foot II your friends do not
| place you in lunatic asylum after this
you will be warranted in buying q
cornet, flute. violin, accordion, or hiring
piano.
Eat our meeting tonight why can't
we get up something new-something,
don't care what, SO long as 1t isn't
musicP' "a good idea, Banger!'
cried Fogg; "a splendid idea We
have had little too much music,
rs you say, and it is time we had
something new. Suppose you sing
for us, Bangor"
"Tll bet a bottle of champagne that's
a married couple" remarked u swell
standing at the window Of q fashion,
able clubhouse and watching a lady
and gentleman who were crossing the
street during heavy shower. Il
can't imagine your reason for saying
So" returned his companion. 'It's
plain enough. Don't you see that the
centre Of the umbrella is over his head,
not over hers"
A countrywoman who was visiting
her married daughter in New York
wrote home thai she was living on q
fal." A family council was held to
dc.c.mine what the plrase meant
The oldest who had been to the city,
SAID it meant that she was 'liying In a
great big house," but the majority
came to the conclusion that she meant
that she was living on her son-in-law.
-Bos!on Post.
A lady called at a chemists shop,
and. after examining one ortwo articles.
remembered that she wanted some
cosmetic for the toilet, and turning to
| the chemist asked, Have you any
Bloom OF Youth7' The merchant,
| over whose head more than fifty sum-
mcrs had passed, turned TO one OF
| his clerks and asked in a business
way: Have any bloom of youth
leftp" The clerk looked up with a
quiet smile, and answered, Il believe
not, SIR"
A lady residing in the northeastern
part of town recently wanted the SER
vices of an Indian to pick goose. She
approached the first one she met with:
Jim, you like to come and pick n
goose for meP" The noble red man
thus addressed drew himself up to his
full height expanded his chest with
pride and Indignation. and haughtily
inquired: you know mep" mo. I
don't know YOU" responded the lady,
somewhat surprised. ..Ughr grunted
the Indian, as If plying her ignorance.
ME Captain Sam. Me no pick goose.
Me send my wife. Virginia CITY (Neu)
Chronicle.
A poet says: "The beauty of her
hair bewilders me-pouring adown the
brow its clovcn tide, swirlng about
the ears on either side, and falling
around her neck tumultuously." Very
poetical, that; but after he is married
and sees her hair swirling adown the
chair-back on either side, or pouring
It's cloven tide over one end of the
bureau, or falling around the bed-post
unanimously, the probabilities are
that bis present bewilderment will be
80 per cent more bewildering. He
will be paralyzed. Binghanston Re
publican. .. ...#
A news item says that Portland man
left home to trade off a horse which
did not suit him, and returned with
another horse, watch, ten bushels of
potatoes, six dozen eggs, ten pounds Of
butter and $50 in money In his pocket
as the result of the trade" This may
be true, but the mans pocket must
have been rather remarkable for its
roominess. II the horse had COM
menced to kick while In his pocket, the
animal would have made frightful
mess OF the eggs and butter, and would
probably have spoiled the watch
NorristoDn Herald
Three men suddenly stood on their
heads. uttering frightful shrieks, at the
circus the other evening. The clown
had actually gotten off brand new
joke, and the unexpected occurrence
had unseated their reason. Old circus
goers rose from their seats and rushed
about embracing each other with