News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-03-13
QUAKER CITY JOKES.
FEW THINGS ACCIDENTALLY OVER
HEARD BY TIE PHILADELPHIA
s'EVENING CALIIo HUMORIST.
Fully Appreciated -HOusekeeping-CO
fdenee Restored A Narrow Escape
Western Dudes. Etc. Etc.
WESTERN RAILROAD SYSTEM.

fdenee RestOred-A Narrow Escape
Western Dudes. Etc. Etc.
WESTERN RAILROAD SYSTEM.
First Western Railroad Mani see
it stated that commissioner has been
sent over by the Russian government,
and is coming West to study our railroad
system"
Second Western Railroad Man-"Yes;
but don't see why the Russian govern
ment should go to all that trouble"
First Railroad Man-"You don t."
Second Railroad Man = "Certsinly
not; our system could have been ex-
planned to the Russian government by
any Western man who happened to be
over there"
First Railroad Man-''That's true; I
did not think of that. It could be done
with paper and pencil by just making
dots to represent towns and lines to rep
resent the roads, same as on map"
Second Railroad Man-"Exactly, and
writing under it: Gut throat rates be-
tween competing points must be made
up by big charges on local traffic"
NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING.
':Prisoner, you stand charged with
murder in the first degree. Are you
guilty or not guilty?"
II killed the man, your Honor,
but
81 asked you are you guilty or not
guilty OF the charge preferred ?"
"Let me explain. As I said, 1 killed
the man; but L committed the deed
while L was temporarily insane"
"Oh, that puts the affair in differ
ent light You are discharged, sir"
THEIR VALUE APPRECIATED.
Mrs. A.-"You will have to get Johnny
new high chair, DEAR
Mr.. A.-"What is the matter with the
old one %
Mrs. Att is broken in such way
that it can't be mended. I am sorry
about it, because such chairs are high in
price, but Johnny must have something
to sit on, and we can't let him use the
d1ct1onary or the family Bible"
Mr. A.-"Certainly not; no need to.
I will write to my friend, the Senator,
and get INN to send me some public
documents at once"
HOW TO BEGIN HOUSEKEEPING.
"You say you want to marry my
daughter?"
"Yes, SIR
care you prepared to give her a
pleasant nome and the luxuries to which
she has always been accustomed ?"
ST don believe am, sir; only get
seven dollars week."
eyes. Well, do you know that young
women nowadays expect to begin house
s~efsi-as in the same style Their 1'.'rssr, t
ictrvg- eff
ssOh. YES; know all about that. !"
sYou do. Well, how can you recon
cile seven dollars a week with my sur
roundings %
Il thought" responded the intelli-
gent young man, while his face beamed
with love and hope, "that we could live
right along with you, you know, until
the time came for you toto leave OIL,
and then the matter wouid-would sort
of regulate itself, you know"
RESTORING THEIR CONFIDENCE.
Jones-"Lend me five dollars ?"
Smith-"Can't do it. just paid out
my last five dollars for big advertise
ment of property stolen"
JONES' Stolen property"
Smith-"Yes. I offered $4,000 re-
ward for information that would lead to
the conviction of the thieves who en-
tered my house aud stole lot of jewelry
and other valuables, including $25, 900
diamond necklace"
Jones-'sSee here, I happen to know
that you never owned 5000 worth OF
lewelry in your life.'
Smith-''Hist Ny creditors don't
know it. I want to restore their con-
fidence."
A NARROW ESCAPE.
"Sister /" cried little boy running
into the room, "your little pug dog has
bit me on the leg"
"What p exclaimed the frightened
young lady. Beauty has bitten you on
the leg? Let me see."
She hastily pulled down his stocking.
and, sure enough, there was the impress
sion of his teeth.
"You naughty boy" said his sister,
shaking him violently. 'Don't you
know better than to tease Beauty ? Some
day he will bite big lump out of your
leg, and it might make him deathly
sick"
! WESTERN DUDES.
Eastern Man-"Have you any dudes
in your town?"
Western Man-'Well, I should say
so; the worst dudes you ever saw"
Eastern Man-"I did not suppose the
species had got SO far West"
| Western Man-''You just bet the East
| amt got much that the West hasn't.
Why, sir, some of the dudes out West
would Just make you laugh yourself
sick; they're so queer"
| Eastern Man-''lndeed p
Western Man-"Yes, stree. Why, L
know one what's so particular he changes
his shirt every week"
HIS NAME.
Circus Manager-"Well, everything is
ready now for getting up next seasons
posters and handbills, except your
name"
Elephant Keeper-"My name ?"
Circus Manager-"Yes, you have not
given that to me yeti
Elephant Keeper-"You know very
well that it is Don Caesar De Neronnl.
Circus Manager-"Oh that will never
do. That was your name last year, and
Won remember you were killed by the
elephants last fall at st. Louis.
MATTER OF HEALTH.
Mrs. D.-"Who would have though
it ?'
Mr.. D.-Thought what ?"
Mrs. Din this article on Health
the writer says it is far wiser to sleef
till one wakens naturally"
Mr.. Doh knew that long ago.
Mrs. D.-''You never told me.
Mr.. D.-"Your memory is very short
Haven't I told YOU hundreds of times t.