Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-08-22
FUN

AN EXCITED FARMER-"Tell me good
man!' cried farmer, in high state of
excitement, rushing up to the station
agent at a little country village; "hasn' It
the train due here at IL O'Clock run off the
track"
mo-" calmly replied the astonished
railroad employee.
..Ha.ssn,t she broke an axle?'
sNo!"
ssNor collided with another .:saalp =, -
mo; but why do you ask? Have you
friends on it?"
"Oh, yes" replied the despairing man.
swell, you needn't be alarmed" came
from the innocent station man; "they're
all right"
"Needn't be alarmed" exclaimed the
granger, hopping his brow; 'well guess
I need BIZ. I've got seven sound non-dys-
peptic, eat-everything- they can-get city
cousins on that train, who expect to spend
two months at my house, and if they're
not blown up before the train reaches here
lose all faith in the efficacy of prayer,
that's all i"
She is as old as her husband, but she
concea Is the dreadful fact. She said one
day, my husband is 40; there is just two
years. difference between him and my
self.'' And the friend was mean enough
to reply: sis it possible? Why I declare
to gracious you look to be as young as he
u.s." They do not spelk now.
An editor speaking of spiritualism says.
"We don't believe in any medium except
the circulating medium and that has be-
come SO scarce that our faith in it is
shaky."
'Fellow trabellers,' said a colored
preacher. eff 1 had been eat in dried apples
for a week, and then took to drinkin for
mont, couldn't feel more swelled up
dan l am dis mint wild pride and vanity
at SEEM such full tendance har dis eb-
enin."
Mrs. Add you ever Mrs. Blank
has only gone into half mourning for her
husband. Mrs. X.-Of course, you know
her husband was only half a man. She
married dude.
Trust men and they will trust you,"
said Ralph Waldo Emerson. Trust men
and they will bust you.'' says an ordinary
every day business man.
Drug store boy to prescription clerk.
ho
he wants to know how long it will take to
put it up.''
Prescription clerk; meditatively LET
me sect is about dinner time. Five
minutes to get over to dinner, eighteen
minutes to eat dinner, five minutes to get
back, and two minutes to put up the pre-
scription. Tell the man it will take about
half an hour to put it up.''
'Jack, my dear fellab," said dude to
self made acquaintance, eff you want to
see me this awfternoon you must go to
Barnum 3. you know. by Jove J" ''Is that
SO. In what cage shall find you ?''
A coal dealer asked some law students
what legal authority was the favorite of
his ira ~? One answered: "Coke.n
Right" said the coal dealer. Another
suggested Blackstone" "Good, tool"
said the questioner. Then a little man
piped out "L;ttleton." Whereupon the
coal dealer sat down.
my husband is BRUTE" declared
Nine. x. to an intimate friend the other
day. why, my dear. what is the matter
now?' ''He found fault with little vi
vacity of mine yesterday. and I threw
candlestick at his head; then what do
you suppose he did?'' ST don't know
why, be stood before the mirror. so that
I couldn't throw the other" 1.-The brute"
Pat came into camp with goose under
his arm. Didn't you know it was against
orders to forage on the enemy? Explain
YOURSELF said the sergeant.-"Yes,"
said Pat, s'but the goose Kissed at the
American flag. and tuck him prisoner
of war;"
A blacksmith advertised for a helper
who who ''must be as quick as lightning"
The first man who applied for the situation
carelessly picked up hot horseshoe, and
the blacksmith hired him at once.
The coming era-chol era.
''That settles it," said Sam Claflin, an
Austin church goer, who has the name of
being very close, while he is ostensibly
pious.
''Settles what 20
'Settles the question of our having beer
for dinner on Sundays. We can afford
to have it from now on. Here in this pa
per l read that the clergy are filled with
alarm because liberalism is creeping into
the churches, That dime I've been put
ting on the plate every Sunday goes for
beer from now on. If the preachers are
kicking about liberalism. I'll quit being
liberal. That's all there is about 1t,''
''Doctor, want to thank you for your
great patent medicine
ut helped you, did it ?" asked the doc
tor, very much pleased.
SIT helped me wonderfully"
"How many bottles did you find it nee.
essary to take? 20
''Oh, didn't take any of it. My uncle
took oae bottle, and I am his sole heir.''