National Republican., 1884-04-14
ON THE AVENUE.
Small Talk About Men and Measures.

say where he got the property or to.give it up
until he was arrested for receiving stolen .
property. Then he acknowledged that
he bought tho stuff for $40 from
thief, whom he named. The officers
then sot tho dealer at liberty and arrested |
the thief. The thief was convicted before
Judge Smell, but upon an appeal Judge Wylie |
lot him go on account of some defect in the
papers. Then the owners asked for their
property. The officers said that the second
hand dealer had it. They went to the second
hand dealer and he said tho property be.
longed to him. He had bought it and they
had failed to convict the thief for stealing 1t.
The point of the whole proceeding was that
the receiver and the thief went free, and the
receiver kept the property. Besides the
original loss the owners were out, just what
it had cost them in money and time to prose-
cute tho thief"
81 have never seen printed" said the
Washington broker, "a prophetic remark
made by A. 7. Stewart fifteen years ago.
You remember that Stewart was appointed
secretary of the treasury by Grant in 1869,
but he was nevor confirmed by the senate
ness to attend to the business of the country.
When he was appointed, however,, he came
on to Washington, and it was when he was
riding along + street on his way from his
hotel to the capitol one day that he remarked
This will be the Wall street of Washington.
That showed tho remarkable sagacity of the
man. + street, running from the treasury
past the interior and postoffice departments,
not exactly the kind of street to attract gen.
eral business, was just the place for the
brokers and bankers offices, and you can see
that it is filling up with them. The prophecy
is being rapidly fulfilled"
s@a
'Perhaps you'd like to quit being a hired
M an, and get rich and own yacht and pug
dog and bycicle and Newmarket over
coat and 90 to Europe?" said the hypochon-
driac from st. Louis to the Avenue Man in
quiringly. The hypochondriacs face had
not worn so cheerful an expression since ho
wiped the concentrated st. Louis smoke
from it when he crossed the big bridge last
! November. "Pve got scheme" he said, "and
Pm willing to let you into it. We will start a
paper right here at the national
capital in the interest of suicides, an organ
''r'i-- s.-:-;.i>.~i nun II con nfdnnt that it
would meet long felt want. There arc great
many people in this country who commit
suicide overy year, great many more who
want to, and very great many more who
ought to. They have never had an organ
Ny idea is o little vague yet. but l thought
an eight-page weekly, with the letter press
made up of accounts of current suicides,
-. r.
tried to shuttle Off and failed, and
same space given to new and original schemes
of self-destruction, would bo about tho thing
The advertising specialties, of course, would
be firearms, knives, razors, poisons, ropes, and
charcoal. 1t might be made very interesting
throughout"
The hypochondriac from st. Louis appeared
to become absorbed in deep thought of glori-
Gus possibilities at this point. He drew his
foretinger several times across his throat,
quito unconsciously, but initiating the
motion of man severing his jug
ular vein with sharp knife. Then
he pinched his windpipe quite hard
and then felt about the upper left hand
pocket of his vest and with his right hand
pointed an imaginary revolver at his heart.
his cheerful remarks after this fashion
There's moro in it than the paper. We
must have Suicides home l reckon we
can get congressional appropriation for half
of it like they do for the district government.
Well have a great number of rooms with
varied appliances SO that man can
shuttle himself of in the manner dearest
to his own heart. l have in my
mind dynamite pill with a
detonating coating of such substance that
gastric juice will explode it, We should
have room lined throughout with boiler
iron, whero man could take one of those
pills and be instantly resolved into minute
fragments. I'm inclined to think that the
dynamite pill would become quite popular
mode of suicide as soon as Its advantages were
known. Theremains could be kept in jugs
by the bereaved families That would be
very appropriate, doubtless, in some instances
Other boiler-iron rooms would have to be pro-
vided for gentlemen and ladies who desired
to have mine exploded beneath them
There would be an air-tight apartment in
which unhappy lovers might breathe the
fumes of burning charcoal and depart to-
gether. A deep vat of water, with stones t.
tie 10 the sulClueB neck, WOulu DO PROVIDED
in another room, a gallows with properly
noosed ropes in another, and then ther'
would be tho most abundant facilities fol
shooting, stabbing, and poisoning. The
price of these accommodations would depend
of course, upon the moro or less elaborate
nature of the preparations. We ough
| not to charge more than $40 for a common
shooting, throat'cutting, or hanging; but If |
man wanted dynamite pill, or choose Il
drown himself in cauldIon of boiling oil
or to cremate himself, 500, or even $500
4 might bo considered reasonable, There woult
be scale ofprices which we could vary accort
ing to the pecuniary ability of the candidates
, Then we should got an occasional endowmen
Q for the home, suppose, from dying philan
thropists. There's plenty of money in it,"
Meditation took hold of the hypochon
I drac again for several minutes before he re-
0 sumed "rhere are great many people VIII
+ simply want to pretend TO commit suicide T.
{ frighten families or soften durate sweet
hearts, or for some other poetic reason. Their
$ must be a separate apartment for these pee
1 pie, and an attending surgeon to pump OH
f poison, sew up flesh wounds, and point OH
/. vital points which the man must avoid whe
l. using knife or pistol Then when tn
% young man had made the necessarily unsuC
II cessful ATTEMPT TO kill himself his crus