The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1884-11-05
-BURDETTE'S BET.
Why He Now Declines to Make Wagers on
the Result of Elections.
Brooklyn Eagle.


Brooklyn Eagle.
l did not bet any money on the recent election
in Ohio. 1t has been many years since l upheld
my political principles by coming them for base
drachmas. A drachma, dear, is a spud, and a
spud is a Lewis door, which door is an open
sesame to the best society. Years ago, when l
was young and charming, rather a trlfe more
young than | was much more charming, | bet a
box Of cigars with a political foe, but an es-
teemed personal friend, on the election of Mr.
Hayes. To give him a show for his white alley,
l bet him a hat on the result in New York. The
returns promptly decided that | lost the hat. and
the United States Congress and the High Joint
Arbitration Commission, after gravelY consider
ing the question for many weeks, finally in
formed me that l had won the box of cigars. L
never dreamed that such a simple bet would
throw the Republic into such a painful state of
suspense, excitement and confusion. | said then
that never again would / thoughtlessly tamper
with the peace and happiness of my country,
though all my political foes went bare-headed,
and | had to pick up stubs for my personal
smoking all the days of our respective and re-
spected lives.
paid my hat bet. I went to the halter with
my friend, and had his head blocked for a special
order. His blocked head fairly swan with joy
when I told him l was going to have a hat made
especially for him. He said:
'Robert -"
The sober, solemn truth is, he said: Bob"
but that doesn't look well in print, and l hate
the name, anyhow.
Robert, if you win the cigars, which heaven
forbid, L will go to Havana and make them my
self"
1 knew he would not. Far better that he did.
l knew it.
The hat was made under the personal super
vision OF the halter, by and with the advice and
consent of myself. 1t was a slick, shiny hat.
IL was about eighteen inches high, and as sym
metrical as a stove pipe. 1t was the same size
all the way up. The brim was about an inch
and a quarter wide, flat and straight as a silver
dollar. 1t would have been the pride of a st.
Patrickts day procession. 1t was the awfulest
hat. Strong men shuddered when they saw it.
L don't believe such a hat ever was made before
or behind.
Well, l gathered about a score of our mutual
friends. We got the band out, set the hat on top
Of a dry-goods box in an open wagon, and par
AIDED down to my friends store, and l presented
the hat with an elaborate and ornate address.
Men said it was the greatest effort Of my life. [
think it was, 1t not only fatigued me, but peo-
pie who heard it said it made them tired, also.
My friends remarks in reply were very brief,
but SuffuSed with emotion. lie took the hat,
labelled it with my name, and exhibited it in his
window.
When the Court of Arbitration at last decided
the other bet, the band and the crowd came out
again, and my foe presented me with a box of
cigars. At the conclusion of the presentation
speech, he proposed that we smoke the weed of
peace. l could not refuse. l faitered my thanks,
lighted a cigarand pulled twice or thrice.
That was nearly eight years agone, and yet,
sometimes l am aroused from the profoundest
slumber in the dead of night by the lingering
farewell of the cigar. A policeman, who acct
dentally happened to be awake that afternoon,
came along and arrested me on a charge of dis
orderly conduct, arson and assault with intent
to commit hydrophobia. The magistrate smelled
my breath, ASH pleadedsnot guilty, and fined me
$40. l went home, and a committee of my
n%eighbors waited on me at long range and gave
me twenty-four hours to leave the State. l left
the box of cigars on the office steps, and two
tramps were found dead beside it next morning
The board of health filed information against me
for conspiracy, seized the cigars an threw them
into the Mississippi river. All the fish between
Burlington and Keokuk died that week. L took
down my shotgun, breathed into it, pointed it at
a dog and he turned into a stone. l blew fierce
ly down the barrel of the gun, intending to hunt
for my foe. and the gun burst on the spot L
but why recount the narrowing experiences of
that week of horrorsl l only mention these few
leading facts, because Truth, with a big T, is
so sadly seldom during this campaign, and l wish
to introduce a little of it to leaven or twelve the
canvass.
No, if knew I could lose all Che hats and win
all cigars in America on New York alone, /
would not bet that Mr.. Blaine will carry Geor-
gia, by ever so small a majority. 1 expect to
wear a straw hat all winter, and have given up
the use of tobacco in any form. 1 smoke only
aiOo pattao