davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15
HUMOROUS.

"A goat ought to be first-class ma
terial for oleomargarine. There is NO
better butter than the goat.
"A man named Limberger has turned
up at Rochester, N. Y, who claims that
he hasn't a scent to his name onkers
Statesman.
"A gun that is charged with powder
is likely to 60 off-so is treasurer who
is charged with ENLIGHTENMENT, if he
can get a chance.-BostOn Star.
-''Ya'as," continued young Smythe,
II suppose everything created has some
use. but 'pon me honah it's deuced hard
to believe it, don't cher know?'' Eyes, -
replied the young lady, looking him
over intelligently, sit is, indeed. y
Philadelphia Call.
The Greatest joy
You may shout at the spIendor of spring,
or its sweets you may sOulfully sing,
And declare that It'll simply immense;
But to youth there is naueht that can bring
More pleasure than some circus-ring,
For it is then their Joy is in tents.
". y. MOrninO Journal.
Here! Do you know you are riding
in the wrong direction? This train
doesn't go anywhere near Philadel-
phia" ''There! l kept a-tellin' of him
that 'twa'nt right to be ridin' back ard;
but he lowed he knowed it all. Men
is dreadful smart. arays. philadelphia
Press.
-..And so. dear Miss Singleton, you
never married." No, dear, I did not;
l came very near it, however. MY six
ov r,.inI xxy;tl,Sv, nd
went through every engagement with
out catch. Even in the most desper-
ate battles. you know, and in the most
terrible massacres, there is always one
who escapes to tell the tale. "-Burling-
ton Haa0keye.
"A young man who believes in self
having recently married,
suggested to his wife that they should
argue some questions frankly and fully
every morning, in order to learn more
of each other. The first question hap
pened TO be whether woman could
be expected to get along without hat"
and he took the affirmative. and when
he was last seen he had climbed up into
the hay-loft and was pulling the ladder
after him.-Auburn Neacs and Bulletin.
-. Hello, Henderson," said Mr..
Greatheart to his friend the other day,
Il hear your salary has been raised"
Eyes" replied Henderson. How
much are you getting now?' queried
the philosopher. ''Seventy-five dollars
a month, was the answer. Seventy
five dollars month" calculated Mr..
Greatheart. ''Why, before you were
getting a hundred Eyes, 1 know.
The raise got is spelled with z. "
- Washington Hatchet.
--".By Jove, ''said the lynx-eyed proof
reader on Boston paper. Somebody
20 down and kick Slug Nine into the
street. Here's three times I've marked
beans on him in that poem of Julia
Ward Howe's. and every time he spells
it 'p@ans.' My soul sings paans to the
,ods of spring. There's lots of sense in
hat, isn't there. Where'd he ever
earn to spell beans that way?" And
MS face was livid with wrath, as once
more he saved the poem from destruc-
ion. albany argus.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15
An Appropriate Motto.

Mrs. SIimdiet-'1 am going to buy
some nice notices to decorate our home.
Have you seen any that you admire?''
Old Boarder-''Oh, yes, quite num-
ber.''
Mrs. Slimdiet-'I am so glad, be-
cause now you can give some sugges-
lions. OF course l have q Bless Our
Home motto for the front hall, and
also have some appropriate ones for the
parlor. It is the dining-room that
bothers me-"
Boarder-'I SAW one to-day that
would be just the thing
Mrs. Slimdiet-.Indeed! Where was
it?''
Boarder-.'In grocery store"
Mrs Slimdiet- THAT is q queer
place. What did it say?"
Boarder-"It said: If you don't SEQ
what you want, ask for it. "-PAi1Gdet-
phia Cal.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15

The Philadelphia Press states that
John B. Austin. . liberal gentleman Of
that city. sent the following note to the
treasurer of the Presbyterian hospital.
81 should observe that our hospital has
declined sum of $500 ON principle.
Believing that it should not suffer loss
for maintaining principle, inclosed
please find my check for IS, 600; So, 500
In lieu Of the sum it did not. receive,
and $500. being premium for adhering
to principle. If not adverse to the in.
terests of the hospital, 1 should like this
sum Of g. 600 added to the principal of
the permanent funds of the hospital, so
that principle and principal may go e
gether."
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15
A Cruel Husband Reminds His Wife Of
Her Weakness.

II declare" said Somerville lady,
as she consulted the Lost and Found
column of the morning paper, ''it is
enough to make one lose patience to
see how careless some people are.
Every day l see losses advertised. !
never lose anything"
Just then her husband ACCIDENTALLY
spilled some of his coffee on the table
cloth, and observing it, she reproved
him sharply.
"You say you never lose anything?"
he said
"No," she replied, sharply.
"You forget your temper, my dear"
he said, quietly. and hush fell upon
the room so deep that you could hear
the time passing. .-Somervi!le JoAezsaL
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15
A New Disease.

Among the curious maladies which
advancing civilization seems destined to
bring in its train not the least remark
able is that on which Partisan doctors
are bestowing good deal of attention
just now-the obliquity of mind which
has been called peur des espaces. The
sufferer is usually man in apparently
good health, and is affected by no pre-
monitory symptoms, although, on the
other hand, there are cases where the
malady results from other diseases, and
is introduced by feeling of weakness
and sickness. 1t generally comes on
suddenly, when the patient arrives at
particular place or is brought into the
presence of particular person. He
then is observed to be in mortal terror
without any apparent cause. The earth
seems to him to open into chasm be-
fore his feet, or he finds himself isolated
by an immense and impenetrable space
from the rest of the world If he is ON
the pavement he dares not for his life
step onto the roadway. but stands stock
still to be jeered at by the street boys.
If he is on step, he is afraid to move
up or down for fear of being dashed to
pieces in some imaginary abyss. All
this time he keeps his wits-or, at least
a great many of them-about him. and
is sensible of his absurd position. Some
times he has enough sense 10 avoid
places where the attack has come on
before, or seems likely to do so again.
Another peculiarly is that most of the
liberal professions, and to the higher
ranks of society. By examination into
q considerable number Of cases in the
hospitals, it was found that men more
often suffered than women. in proper.
ton Of about four to one.-L0ssdon
Globe.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15
ROBBLE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

King the bells on every spire, make the
stccples swing and rock!
Bid the ioud-mouthed cannon fire with their
-echoing thunder shock!
Make the shrilling bugles sound! Have the
sweetest music play!
While Robbie turns the world around; he's
seven years old to-day!
Tell the President he'll have to wait,
He's only in the way,
And if the King should come in state,
He can't come in to-day.
But they'll have welcome hearty
If they come to dance and sing
At the Princes birthday party,
With the children in the ring.
Ha, ha! Jingle, jangle, Jingle,
Who is coming, Robbie knows
How she makes the music Jingle
With the bells upon her toes.
And Jack and Jill will tumble
With our s!eepy-eyed Boy Blue,
And in a noisy tumble
Come the children from the Shoe.
With his pipe and bowl you'll find him.
Happy, jolly old King Cole.
And his Fiddlers sit behind him.
With fiddle, every soul!
And with funny Mrs. farley
See the gracious Queen draw nigh,
With the pudding made of barley
And the dainty Blackbird Pie.
Hi. hi! Jack, the giant killer.
Hang your sword up on the rack;
Now, your welcome, Dusty Miller,
With your hand upon the sack
HO! with song and shout and clattcr,
Come the Little Indians al
Mercy on us, what's the matter?
Humpty Dumpty's got a fall!
Little elves SO bright ana airy,
From their home beneath the hill,
Many dainty, star-crowned fairy,
Laughing nymphs from brook and rill;
Giants, tall as any steeple,
And the Three Rparc m
Come to meet the little people,
For on birthdays they're all good.
How the noise will shake each rafter
In the House Jack built himself,
When with shout and song and laughter,
Giant Fairy, Bear and Elf,
Dish and Spoon, and Cat and Fiddle,
Cow and Dog and everything,
Dance and sing, Hi diddie diddle!
With the children i'm the ring.
30 his years are crowned with flowers, and the
sun shines all the time,
And with dancing feet the hours tell his days
with song and rhyme.
So with dreams his life is rounded, and old
Time must smile and say:
why, another cycles bounded; Robbie s
seven years old today
-I5u11jnUtOp H0lrkee.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1884-05-15

In planting your garden you can
save much hard work by planting
everything in drills a. far As possible,
so IS to permit Of cultivatng with .
hoFse. Chicago Tsses,
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
The Handwriting on the Wall.

One dry last July went into law.
yer's Office. l climbed up a flight of
dusty stairs, turned to the right, walked
down hot, dingy passage way until l
came to a door and knocked hard.
There was no response. Everything
was too sleepy even to make an echo.
so I said Come i'm to myself, and
walked in. 1t was very warm. The
windows were open and the hot all
came quivering in from the blisterino
street. and went around the Office in
sluggish waves warping the big law
books on the baize covered table. In
the corners of the room the cobwebs
hung dusty and motionless. A broom
and battered watering pot stood be.
hind the stove, which was red with rust
and stood on three legs and cobble
stone, weary with inaction A solitary
cuspidOr, half filed with the sawdust OF
ages, slept behind the coal box, where
nobody could get at it. The glass
doors of the library hung ajar and the
bunch of keys, half caught, hung in a
limp. dissipated way from the lock as
though they had tried to get in but fell
asleep in the effort. The big flies buzzed
lazily about in the air, as though they
had about decided to make one more
effort to get to the ceiling. and if they
missed it that time, they would give it
up and fall down on the floor. In
very old-fashioned web in a window
corner, an old-fashioned spider, in a
condition of pitiful restitution, sat by
rent in his den. trying to make up his
mind to brace up and get at it and
mend it. A slim wasted wasp crawled
about over the old, time-eaten window
frame, looking for raw material for her
wood pulp mill. All the pens on the
green table we're corroded and split up
the back. The ink in the big cut glass
stand had dried up in a sun backed,
cracked mass. The LAWYER Law back
in his big leather chair. His feet were
on the table. His head hung over the
back OF the chair His mouth was wide
open; his eyes were tight shut. His hat
had rolled under the table. A news
paper had fallen from his hand. He did
not move when told him had come to
pay that bill. He snored, gently, reg
ularly, but resolutely, like one to whom
snoring and sleeping is not duty, but
pleasure. Above the little iron safe
and above the big green table hung two
framed notices Above the table it
said. in severe letters of forbidding
black:
This is my busy day."
And over the little iron safe emphatic
letters in chromatic print said:
Time is money!"
l hadn't the heart to wake him. sat
down and gave him an hour of improv-
ing reflection and credited myself with
that amount on my bill.--Burdette.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
FARM AND PRESIDE.

--DArken the horse and COW s.kties
10 keep out the flies.
-Turnips fed Immediately after
milking will not taste the milk.-N y
Herald
Battle the horses shoulders once a
day with cold water; keep their collars
and feet clean.
The omission to furnish fowls with
suitable drinking water is one of the
worst features Of cruelty to animals.
-Merinos have been found much
more hardy than the lighter-feeced
animals, although they came originally
from mild climate. Albany Journal.
An English farmer writes to the
Agricultural Gazette that having fifty
acre field of wheat destroyed by wire
worms for several successive years, he
finally sowed it to mustard. The next
year he tried wheat, and got an excel
lent crop, not a wire-worm being found.
Breakfast Gems: One teaspoonful
Of baking powder mixed with pint of
flour; add to the beaten yelks OF two
eggs pinch of salt, cup Of sweet
milk, and table spoonful OF melted
butter; mix with the -four, and lastly
add the beaten whites of the eggs.
Beat well, and bake in gem-tins in a
q quick ovep.-Tae Household.
-"Why do we salt butter?' To pre-
serve it. Salt draws water from the
buttermilk and takes up the milk sugar,
thus separating the constituents of the
buttermilk; it penetrates and converts
int hrss, hat ,4oy h,r,
vents rancidity and decomposition. 1t
improves the flavor to many, while
others prefer the fresh product. Boston
Globe.
-Cucumbers intended for picking
purposes need not be planted Till July.
The land for them should be such as
has been well cultivated the year pre-
vious, and the manure should be fine
and well rotted. In order to guard
against the attacks of birds and insects
an excess of seed should be used, thin
ming out the extra plants after they are
up.-Chicago Tribune.
For the filling of an orange short.
cake. take two large oranges, peel
them, chop them fine, remove the seeds,
add half of peeled lemon, and on,
cup of sugar. Spread between the
layers of short-cake while it is hot.
This may be used for layer-cake filling
also, but in that case add the we'll
beaten white of one egg. Y. Post
Uses for Eggs: For burns and scalds,
nothing is more soothing than the white
of an egg, which may be poured over
the wound. The egg is considered one
of the best remedies for dysentery.
Beaten up slightly with or with
ont sugar and swallowed at a
ignlp, it tends by its emolent qualities,
to loosen the Inflammation of the stom-
iach and intestines, and by forming a
transient coating on these organs to en-
able nature to resume her healthy sway
over diseased body. Two or three
would be all that's required in ordinary
cases, and since tho egg is not merely
"a medicine, but food as well, the
Tighter the diet otherwise, and the more
quiet the patient is kept, the more GER
tain and rapid the reeoyery.-1roy
Times,
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

The superiority of Wells, Richardson d
Co.'s Improved Butter Color over all 9TH
ers made, is again demonstrated by its
record at the Autumnal Fairs. The test OF
practical use is what tells the story, and
the great value of the premiums given by
the Agricultural Fairs, lies in the fact,
that the judges in these cases are regular
farmers, who know what their needs are
and what will supply them. Wells, Rich
ardson & Co.'s Improved Butter Color,
which has taken frst premium at all fairs
where ext. cited, is put up in a vegetable
oil so prepared that it can not become ram
cid, most important property, the lack Of
which is fatal to SO many of the Butter
Colors offered for sale. 1t does not color
the butter milk; it imparts bright natural
color, which is unattained by many others;
and being the strongest Is the cheapest
Color in the market.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
Railroad
SOUTHWEST BRANCH.

The shortest route 20 all points East and
West Four trains are run daily between
Uniontown and Piltsburg, making close con-
nections at Greensburg with Main Line for
the East, and at Pittsburg Union Station for
the North, West and South
All trains run on Eastern Standard Time.
On and after December TO- 1883, trains viii
arrive and depart from stations as follows;
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

"A Connecticut paper relates this as
one OF the oldest effects of the drought
reported from Stamford: "A church
organ there is blown by water power
The other day at wedding the supply
gave out in The middle of the wedding
march, and the music squeaked itself
away into silence while the bridal pro-
seysiou was moving up the aisle"
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
Advertising Cheats III

"It has become 90 common to beGin -
article, In an elegant, interesting style.
Then run it into some advertisement
that we avoid all such,
"And simply call attention to the merits
Of Hop Bitters in Is plain, honest Terms as
possible,
ITO induce people
"To give them one trial, which 20 proves
their value that they win never use any
thing else"
.THE REMEDY 50 favorsbly noticed In all ths
Religious and secular, is
"Haying a large sale, and Is supplanting all
There is no denying the virtues of the Hop
plant, and the proprietors of Hop Bitters have
I'm compromising medicine whose virtues
are SO paipable to every ones observation
Did She DieP
"Noi
"She fingered and suffered along, pining
away all the time for years,
"Tbe doctors doing her no good"
"And at last was cured by this Hop
Bitters the papers say so much about"
"How thankful we should be for that
medicine"
A Daughters Misery.
"Eleven years our daughter suffered ON
a bed Of misery,
From complication Of kidney. liver,
rheumatic trouble and Nervous debility,
Under the care of the best physicians,
"Who gave her disease various names,
" But no relief,
And now she is restored to us In good
health by as simple remedy as Hop Bit
ters, that she had Stunned for years before
using it. THE PARENTS.
Father is Getting Well.
MY daughters say:
How much better father is since ho
used Hop Bitters."
He is getting well after his long suffer-
ing from disease declared incurable."
And we are so glad that he used your
Bitters "A LADY Of Utica, N. Y.
eB None genuine without bunch of green
Hops on the white label. Shun all the vile poi
sonous stuff with Hop" or Hops" in their
name.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
A THRILLING STORY,

As Told by n Merchant In Trey, N. IA
Surgical Operation Avoided-How a Faith
err. Wife and Daughter Escaped an Awful
Doom.
wrought by DIR. KENNEDY'S FAvORITE
REMEDY, none have appeared so purely
Ing as the following: The persons mentioned are
among the most highly respected in the city of Troy.
and the story told by the father will prove inter
estng TO all our readers-ED.
TOMMY
Dr.. Kennedy, Rondout, NJ r.:
growth Of Fungus 70 remove it we had resorted to
almost every remedy and consulted tie most promi.
Would be aaGy
f results Some sH Of hS ys
some by another. The Fungus was prominent and
Fl Hs HazD %o4fS e D. seroasS
on rs the 9 try + this med
truth the this the cempete
Cd aaVSdf 4 III s Sns d.
cd Il we nsa nothing m for other g had
gus health, and Favorte Remedy q credit
IN Ss ers to
long time until she became very much reduced in
which she had not enjoyed for years She had gained
Tsh makes to test the
ii taste and my stomach were seriously injured Ev.
erything seemed to nauseate me- and fearful Of dys
fEss y a3ss E0% sF'sf The s
bottle afforded immediate relief, and from that day
to this can that Fayorite Remedy has restored
me to perfect health. These facts which claim
prove that Dr. Kennedys Fayorite Remedy is the best
medicine in the world for those afflicted with the
above difficulties. II any one in the cttyIof Troy
doubts the truth of these statements let him
@ g With he
results. Yours, etc,
WILLIAM WINDSOR.
Corner Canal and Mount Streets. Troy. N, Y
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
pITTsBuRG ACCOMMODATION.

For information concerning rates of fare,
etc, call or address the following agents:
Albert Hutchinson, Fairchance: /. W. Sc
mans, ELEPHANTS; G.. W. Conrad Unknown; s.
Farr. Dunbar; David Barnes, Connellsville;
or Thomas r. Watt, Pass. Agent Western
District. Pittsburg, Pa.
CHAS e. PUGH, Gen. Manager.
J. r. WOOD, Gen. Passenger Agent
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26
] KIDNEY WORT B
THs BLOOD cLEAMsGR.
Hay FEVER.

HAY FEVER.
Many members Of the Hay Fever Association Of
New England, have used Papillon Catarrh Cure with
remarkable results We have numerous testimonials
testifying to Its efficacy. Its curative powers 50
positive, and the effect of Its pleasing that
when once used, 1t Is used Unlike every other
HAY FKvER REMEDY, 1t is not temporary relief. but
permanent cure No change of climate fs necessary
where this remedy is used 1t stops the snufes tho
sneezng and the watery eyes. 1t permits breathing
through the nostrils, and cures the Inflammation.
Any one wishing positive evidence from the many
who have and recommending this remedy, can
procure list of testimonials by sending their i'd
dress by postal card
A prominent reporter on the star Of the Chicago
"Tribune says: Papillon Catarrh Cure has saved mo
hundreds of dollars in expenses, and months Of time"
Mr.. ]. c. Emmons Attorney, Macomb, Ill, says: II
have had more relief from dose of Papillon Ca
tarrh Cure than from all other HAY FEVER RENEDIHs
1 ever tried; 1t cured me at once. Travelled among
rag weeds during hay fever time, without recur-
renee"
1t ID not remedy; 1t has been in use for nearly
ten years, and never fails to cure CATARRH, RosB
COLD and HAY FEVER. Use 1t by insufiation or with
atomizer any other that will reach the seat
of the disease; 1t by healing the fnamed mem
branes Of the nostrs which is the cause Of the dis
ease.
For sale by all druggists.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

LYDIA e. PINKHAM's Vegetable Com
pound is most valuable medicine for
ladies of all ages who may be afflicted
with any form of disease peculiar TO their
sex. Her remedies are put up not only in
liquid forms but also in Pills and Lozenges
in which forms they are securely sent
through the mails.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

CARTOONS make popular campaign mu-
sic to train by.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Buchu-paiba." Quick, complete cure, all
annoying Kidney and Urinary Diseases, 81.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Glenn's Sulphur Soap
Renders q lady's skin white and soft. Pixies
toothache drops cure in one minute.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

THE liveliest girl this summer is Polly
Ticks.-OH City Derrick.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Rough on Corns." 15c. Askfor it. Com
plete cure, hard or soft coEns, warts, bunions
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Trough on Coughs, 15c., at Druggists. Com
p1ete euro Coughs Hoarseness, Sore Throat.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

BEWARE Of the incipient stages Of Con
sumption. Take Piso's Cure in time.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Skinny Men. "Wells' Health Remover" re-
stores health and vigor, cures Dyspepsia, 81.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

A TIE game-Getting married.-Loweu
Courier.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

FIVE couples accepted Mrs. jones' cards
for her hop, and the paper said there was q
good attendance.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Smother Swans Worm Syrup" for few
erishness, worms, constipation,t asteless. 25c
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

WHEN is fortune not fortune?-When
1t is a mast (amassed) .-Harper'S Bdzdr.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

~ USED Swift's Specific on my little
daughter, who was afflicted with some
Blood Poison which had resisted all sorts
of treatment. Tho Specific relieved her
permanently, aud l shall use it in my
practice" w. K. BRONTE, NJ. D.,
Cypress Ridge. Ark.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1884-07-26

Is 1T better to have something constant.
ly on the mind, or have the mind constant
Nv on something?