News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-07
HOW TO BE ENGLISH.
Advice to Anglomaniacs What Language
to Use and What to Avoid.
from the Arponaut.1

from the Argonautl
An American who wishes to pass for
an Englishman, before other people
than his own countrymen, must care
fully observe the following rules: He
must call his father the "guv-nor;" he
should not be sick, but ill" he should
call coal "coals;" pitcher a Jug" a
sack-coat a Jacket" pantaloons, "trous-
ers" (never PANTS; vest waist
coat" pronounced wescut); an under
shirt Jersey" suspenders, braces"
and all shoes "botts." He must speak
of an expert driver as good whip"
and a good rider as a good "seat." He
must never fail to mark the distinction
between riding and driving, and
remember that no one in England
ever rides, except on horseback.
To, therefore, speak of riding is
quite sufficient; to add ION horseback"
is superfuous to an Englishman. He
must never, by any possible chance,
forget to call the Thames Items"
Derby Darby" Berkely Barley"
Bette "Bartie," waltz 'valse, Holburn
"Hoburn," Mary-le-bone "Marrabun,
Pail Mall "Pell Nell" Hartford Char
ford" st. Leger "Sallinger," st. John
when used as a persons name "SnJen,
and Woolwich "WooIich." When he
takes a bath he must have tub, he
must keep to the left when he drives,
even though he infringes the law of
the road in his own country, and must
rise in his stirrups when, IN riding, he
trots. He must be familiar with all the
technicalities and proficient in the lingo
of hunting, shooting, rowing, cricket,
and lawn tennis, as it is done
in England. If a thing is amusing
or provocative of mirth, he must say 1T
is "rather funny" and if he finds a man
agreeable his limit of praise must never
exceed "a decent sort of chap" or mot
q half bad fellow" He must call a
pound "quid," and a shilling "bob. "
But he cannot be too cautious as to
slang, and should be sure it is not cad
dish" before he uses it. The sayings of
all of Gilbert & Sullivan's operas are
safe enough, but there are many which
come out in questionable comic songs at
the second-rate theaters and music halls
that no gentleman is ever heard to make
use of. Fetching" is word that should
never be given utterance to in the pres
ence of ladies. A railroad should al
ways be railway" in England, and
the Anglomaniac must not omit to call
it so. He must also speak of the cars
as the "train," baggage car as lug
gage van," freight train as goods
train, and must never allude to sta
ton as depot. He must call the track
the Zine" and the rails the metals"
and speak of switching as "shunting,
of a switch-tender as a "polntsman,
the conductor as the guard" the tick
ct office as the "booking" office, and of
a horse car as a tram" He must never
get mad, but always angry" nor should
he forget that the name of the poet
Cowper is pronounced Cooper" that
Magdalene College, Oxford, is called
@Mawdlin," Caius College, Cambridge,
"Keys," and that the proper pronuncl-
alton of CLAIMS is "Glaymes."
When he goes to the opera or theater
the orchestra seats must be designated
as "stalls," the dress circle as the
"boxes," and the parquet as the "pit. "
For guess" he must use fancy" and
imagine" and studiously shrink from
such expressions as quite a while,
real NICE" side whiskers," lis that
so?" and "why certainly" He must be
sure to leave out "wine" when he speaks
of port or sherry, and should he wish
for ice-cream, he must ask for IAN ice.
If he is in good health, he must be "fit;"
if i'll, "seedy;" if over-tired, knocked
up" If person has good taste, and is
well bred, or a thing is done in accord
ance with the rules of good breeding or
good taste, both are good FORM" if the
reverse, "bad form" Should he find
himself in difficulty, he must be cup
tree" and everything troublesome and
disagreeable is "hard lines" He must
call lunch luncheon" and the parlor
the drawing room" and must drop no
h except when it comes after W, in such
words as which" when" where"
"what. " whether" white" and "whis-
! Ky" He should also carefully avoid
sounding his final RS.