davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
The Verdict of Experts.
1Chicago News.

Chicago News.
Fetch in your corpse" demanded the
foreman of Texas Coroner's jury.
The body was laid before them.
The jnry made careful examination,
and questioned the attending surgeon.
"Whar was he shot? ~
Square through the heart"
Dead in the centre o. the heart z"
Right in the centre"
"Who shot him ?"
"Jake Daniels"
A dozen witnesses declared Jake fred
the shot, and Jake himself admitted it.
The jury consulted softly for some time.
"Well, gentlemen of the jury" said the
Coroner, "what is your verdict ?"
"Waal, Jedge, we've come to the eonclu-
sion that Jake Daniels is ther dandiest shot
in these parts, and don't you furgit it,"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
He Wanted His Life Insured.
New York Mail and Express.

New York Mail and Express
An old darkey struggled painfully into
an insurance Office and said:
Am dis de place, sab, whar dey sure
lives?"
EYES," he was told.
well, l want ter git my life 'sured dis
berry day fo' twenty years"
But you are too old, uncle"
deed Use old Use II.
"And in very feeble health"
Boss, Ise purity far gone. De ole oman
sez l can't las much longer"
We'll, we can't insure man in your
condition"
'Sah ?"
II say we can't insure man like you.
We only take risks on men in good health
and who apparently have long life before
them"
sam dat a fac'?"
Certainly"
"Doan' say nOthiu' mo-. Use an ole
man, but hain't ter fool, boss. Eff war
young, wild good health, dye 'spose I'd ask
yer ter sure my life? When we gets
ready to drap off is de time ter get 'sured.
Emmy body can sure mans life when he's
young / doan'. 'Iievssin dis 'surance,
ennyhow When de good Lord wants er
man he's goin' ter reach fer him. Good
mornn', boss. l b'lieye yer wud steal
chickens, deed l do"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
The Mothers Pay.

MY mother gets me up, builds the fire,
gets my breakfast, and sends me off," said
a bright youth.
What then ?" asked the reporter.
'Then she gets my father up, gets his
breakfast and sends him off. Then gets
the other children their breakfast and
sends them to school and then she and
the baby have their breakfast"
How old is the baby 2'
con, she is most two; but she can walk
and talk as well as any of u.s."
"Are you we'll paid ?"
81 get So week and father gets 81 a
day"
"How much does your mother get?"
With bewildered look the boy said ::
Mother! Why, she don't work for any
body"
Il thought you said she worked for all
of you?"
"Oh, yes for all of us, she does. But
there amt no money in it"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
DECEIVING A DRUMMER.
How WOuld-be Masher was Brought
to Grief.
Through Mail.l

.# Through Mail.l
Il wonder il that pretty girl over there
is not tiirt," said one drummer to another
on an incoming Illinois Central train the
other day.
.'She looks like it,n said his companion,
land what is more, she and l have passed
good many happy hours together. I've
staid many night at her fathers house,
but | don't do that any more, and if you
can make mash on her, go ahead.
The other drummer went over to where
she sat and said:
Permit me- madam
Certainly" she replied.
MY friend over there says he has known
you for some time, he continued, as he sat
down. She blushed and smiled sweetly as
she acknowledged the old acquaintance
Very nice fellow" said the drummer:
do you think so?n said the woman,
modestly.
Bully fellow, but he int very popular
with the girls. Don't seem to care much
about 'em."
Don't he ?" she archly inquired.
"Not very much"
But it's different with me; like him
ever so much"
Happy old boy! Say, you couldn't
love me little as his proxy, could you ?"
Goodness, nOw
WELL that's pretty tough on me, but if
you think so much of him, I'll get up and
let him come over and sit by you"
'Oh l wish you would The masher
looked red and blue by turns, and got up
and went over and told his companion
what she had said, and added:
'Say, old fellow, you've got her dead.
She's mashed on you the worst way and
wants you to come over and sit by her."
SIS that so ?" queried the other with
satisfied smile, arising and bowling to the
lady, who beckoned him oyer to the seat
with her. And then he went over and put
his arm around her, and when the conduc-
tor came along he pointed them out to
him and began to tell him what mash
the other fellow had made, when the con-
ductor smiled blandly, and told him to go
and soak his head, that that was the other
drummer's wife and he had known her ever
since she was baby. The masher got off
the first time they came up with freight
train and went the balance of the way as
live beef.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
Results of the Greely. Expedition.

The principal scientific facts discovered
are the following:
l. The North Pole lies due north Of
New York. 1t was not discovered, but
lished.
q That the North Pole lies in the Arctic
regions
g. That it is an almighty cold neighbor-
hood
4. That nearly all the animals there
wear sealskin jackets the year round.
s. The chief signal officers are somewhat
unreliable caterers.
g. That when men cannot get food they
starve to death.
7. That extreme cold produces frost bite.
8. That getting back is the chief fun and
difficulty of the expedition.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
Then and Now.
Pittsburgh Chronicle. ]


"Pah," said young Johnnie Jarphly,
"who was the wisest man in the world ?"
I'VE are told that Solomon had great
WISDOM" profoundly replied MIR. Jarphly
glad to notice that the thoughts of his son
and heir should turn into channels of an
instructive nature.
"Was he very wise?"
Eyes, very wise man."
"He had three hundred wives, didn't he,
pah ?"
81 believe it is so reported" replied Mr..
Jarphly, with some hesitation.
"Was that wise?"
"Well, ahem, it might have been at
that day, my son." obviously replied MIR.
Jarphly.
whats the difference between that day
and now, pah ?"
"Why, your mother was not alive then,
my son, ,"said Mr.. Jarphly, abstractedly.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
In a Smoking Car.
brakes Travellers Magazine.

brakes Travellers Magazine.
As train pulled out of Kansas City re-
Gently bound West, a fine-lOoking old gen.
tleman, who occupied a seat in the smOk-
ing car, was accosted by rank-looking
specimen of Western humanity.
"Goin' far West, stranger ?" he asked.
Yes, sir" replied the old gentleman, po-
litely. Il am going to Denver"
Business or pleasure ?"
Chiefly for my health."'
"Ah, yes, see. From the East, amt
yer?"
'.Yes, l am President of the Twenty
fifth National Bank of New York"
''You don't say SOP exclaimed the West
erner. Then he added in whisper
Gin US yer hand, old pard; I'm right
glad to see yer / am Missouri rOl3ber.' .
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
Helena, Montana, Thursday, November 13, 1884

and their lives destroyed because of drink.
But there never has been prosecution in
the Territory under this statute, and the
grave or the insane asylum continue to re-
ceive their victims.
There are places in this town where it is
dangerous to 60 after dark. There are
places where the criminal classes habitually
congregate, open to our boys and young
men, dens of infamy and shame, into which
the ignorant and the unwarry are enticed,
made stupid with drink and habitually
robbed l know that our law, much to our
shame be it said. authorizes gambling and
tolerates other dens of iniquity, but it is
the business of grand juries to see to it that
the letter of the law is not transgressed,
and that the license to commit one crime
is not taken tor liberty to commit all
crimes.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
A COnnOisSeur.

They were at the opera bouffe, and as
they seated themselves, he remarked i'm
patiently:
There! ] have forgotten the opera glass
again!"
"Oh, WE'LL" said his wife, soothingly,
I'VE will get along nicely without it."
Nonsense !" he replied, II will have an
opera glass if have to rent one."
"You didn't make such fuss about for
getting the opera glass when we went to
see Henry Irving in Hamlet" she remark
ed little sternly.
81 know l didn't; but Hamlet and
French opera are very different things.
You don't iTagine man can appreciate
fine er-er-music without an opera glass,
do You?n
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13

"How was he dressed" asked the
woman of the morgue keeper.
SIN a suit of black clothes, and in his
pocket was card addressed to Mrs. John
Smith"
"Yes, that's me-" sobbed the woman.
The coroner made an examination and
discovered that be died of water on the
BRAIN
water on the brain? He looks like
my husband. He was dressed like him.
Had my card in his pocket. But OBJ
served the lady, with conscious pride In
her tones, Pm sure the Major never drank
enough water to affect his brain"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
AT THE GRAVE

This is the end of him, here he lies;
The dust in his throat, the worm in his eyes
The mold in his mouth the turf on his breast
This is the end of him. this is best.
lie Will never lie on his couch awake,
Wide-awake, fearless, till dim aybreak. .
Never again will he smile and smile
When his heart is breaking all the while;
lie Will never stretch out his hands in vain,
Groplng and groping-never again.
Never ask for bread, get stone instead,
Never pretend that the stone is bread
Never sway and sway 'twixt the false and true
weighing and noting the long hours through.
Never ache and ache with the choked-up sighs /;
Inns is the end of him. here he lies
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
An Accommo odating Star.

Emma Abbott Is everything ready?
Stage Carpenter-Oh, dreadful thing
has happened Part of the scenery has
not arrived
Emma-Which part is it?
Carpenter-The most important of all !;
the cavern scene in the third act.
Emma-Well, don't worry / will sup
ply it.
CaIpenter-But there is no time. How
can you?
Emma-I will stand at the back of the
stage and yawn.
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
1t was Legitimate. l.
Merchant Traveller.

II.
On one of the Southern railroads there
is station called Sawyer" Lately
newly-married couple boarded the train
and were very loving, indeed. The brake
man noticed the gushing groom kiss the
bride about two hundred times, but main
tanned serene quiet. Finally the station
in question was reached, and Just after the
whistle sounded, the groom gave the bride
rousing smack on the lips and the brake
man opened the door and shouted Saw
yer. Sawyerw
whats that" responded the groom,
looking over his shoulder at the brake
man.
Sawyer! Samyerw
"Well, don't care if you did; she's my
wife,
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
At the Restaurant.

Boston Globe
What did he call for 2" asked the cook
of the headwaiter.
''Roast beef rare; that old trunk cover
amt all gone yet, is it 2"
Yes served the last piece about ten
minutes ago"
Well, cut up the other rubber boot"
That's all served as beefsteak."
HIN, got to fall back on oilcloth again.
Here, take this ragged piece, souse it well
in wheel grease, chuck in fork handle or
two for bones and I'll pull quarter extra
out of him for a rump roast, Spry, now"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
Instructing the Old Man.

IArkansaw Traveler
That old man walking along there lives
ovd the river. said boy who had taken
a prize for proficiency in grammar
"What y exclaimed mis- father, have you
forgotten your grammar so soon? You
can say that he lives on the other side of
the river, but not over the river, for that is
not correct"
"Yes, it is, for"
Il say it is not
Yes it is The man lives on the bridge
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
Necessary Precautions.

IChicago Tribune
New York millionaire. "Are the girls
locked up for the night, wife,"
"Yesp
"Coachman chained ?" .s-
"Yes"
HAS the patent butcher-catcher in the
front yard been oiled so that it works
well ?"
"Yes."
"Well, we might as well chloroforn the
gardener and go to sleep"
Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1884-11-13
HERE AND THERE.

sorrow and pain and night are one;
Darkn comes with all
Shadows rise and fall
me moons cold light is not her own
only the silver stars appear.
1iVen as twere by Hope to cheer
The faint any weary
When sad and dreary-
Herel
happiness, JOY, and bliss are one:
Sunlight comes to stay;
Shadows flee away
Inc Master sits upon his thorne.
a shining light in heaven above.
RULING men by Faith and Love.
turning their mourning
Into bright morning
There,
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07
DR.. Abernethy
L co.'s
.VITALIZER,
-THE-
KING Of ALL KNOWN
REMEDIES.
RESTORED

TT Is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST
RELIABLE. useful and PERMANENT TONIC to
the reproductive organs OF both sexes known:
1t acts directly upon the nervous system. u
restores debilitated functions Of the principal
organs of the body and unsurpassed as Ner-
vine. 1t is powerful, permanent and deter,
mined Aphroi siac. It is an Alternative and
Aperient Of excellent fine quality 1t relieves
weakness and pains in the kidneys; it prevents
losses from the system from unnatural causes
it cures frontal headache, pimples on the face
loss of memory, relaxed condition OF the ner-
vous system, indigestion, sour stomach, oia-
betes, and all urinary troubles. Those VINO
have failed to obtain a cure should lmmedl-
ate'y give the VITALIZER trial. 1t IL the MING
of all. It has never failed in single case: Inc
company will pay $50, for q case II Will ho1
cure no matter whether complicated or not:
The coordination Of the vITaLlzER is such that
it cures both simple and complicated cases.
This is owing to a practical experience OF 80
wears. DIR. Abernethy s. Co. will guarantee
perfect cure in every case taken under their
treatment and special advice. Time required
is from one to three months tire .tment If the
great WALLER fails, the money paid Tor the
remedy will be refunded or $500 forfeited.
Call or write for our OBSERVATIONS ON MAN
HOOD, which will enable the sufferer to answer
the necessary questions, so that zach can have
the proper remedy forwarded suitable for his
SPECIAL CASE CONSULTATION FREE-CoNFI-
DENTAL. Price Of the great Vitalizer, ~, or
six bottles in case 80, SUFFICIENT TO CURE MOST
CASES, sent by EXPRESS on receipt of price or
C. Cd .
LA DIES suffering from diseases peculiar
to their sex, invaluable and speed, cure OBJ
tanned. Our Fem lie Monthly Pills are unsur.
passed as a regulator. Sent on receipt OF
price, So 90.
DR.. ABERNETHY 4 CO.,
1910 Market St., cor. Ninth, San Francisco. Cal
~Take Mark ct aud Valencia Street Dummy
Cable Road from the Ferry, &c. mays
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07

Years. SUCH as Loss o: Memory, Lassitude,
Nocturnal Emissions. Aversions to Society,
Dimness of Vision, Noises in the Head; the vital
duid passing unobserved in the urine, and many
ether diseases that lead to Insanity and Death.
DIR. MINTI-, who is q regular physician
fersduate of the University Of Pennsylvania
viii agree to forfeit FIVE HUNDRED DOL
LARS for q case OF this kind the VITAL RES
TORkTIy e (under his special advice and treat
mentl will not cure, or for anything impure OF
Injurious found in it.. DIR. MINTIE treats all
private diseases successfully without mercury.
Consultation free. Thorough examination and
advice, including analysis Of urine, IS. Price OF
VITAL RESTORATIVE, 81 so a bottle. or four
times the quantity. s.: seLs to any address
upon receipt OF price, 1r c. o. D., secure from
observation ana in private name if desired, by
L. A. MINTIE, n D.,
IL Keorney St., San francisco, Gal.
SAMPLE BOTTLE FREE will be sent to any
one applying by letter, ating symptoms. sex
and age Strict secrecy in regard to all bust
aeas transactions.
Or. MiNTIES KIDNEY REMEDY-NEP-
HRETICUN-c cures all kinds Of kidney and
bladder complaints, gonorrhosa. gleet, leucor-
rhoea. For sale by all druggists; 81 bottle;
six bottles for IS.
DIR. MINTIE'S DANDELION PILLS are the
best and cheapest Dyspepsia and Bilious cure
In the market. For sale by all druggists.
ian19t
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07
MEDICAL.
MANHOOD

by using I h Fl
Great Vitalizer,
the King Of all
Restorativea.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07
MISCELLANEOUS.
NOTICE TO CREDITORS.
THE DISTRICT COTRT OF

TN THE DISTRICT COURT OF
l. the Second Judicial District of the
State of Nevada, in and for the County
of Ormsby-E. Edgecomb vs.. His
CreditOrs.-Pursu to an order OF
the Hon. +. D. Edwards, Judge of the
said District Court, netice Is hereby
given to all the creditors of the said in
solvent. E. Edgecomb, to be and appear
before the Honorable T D. Edwards,
aforesaid, in open Court. at the Court
room of said Court, in Carson City,
Ormsby county, on the
Eleventh day of April. A. ID. 1854.
At Ieo'cioclS a. m. of that day, then and
there to show cause, il any they can,
WHY the prayer of said insolvent should
nOtbe granted and an assignment Of his
estate be made, and he be discharged
from all his debts and liabilities in pur-
suance of the statute in such case made
and provided. and in the meantime
that all proceedings against said in
solvent be stayed.
Witness my hand and the seal of said
Court this Sth day of March, A. D 1884.
[sEALl NJ. u. d AICH, clerk
By an order of Hon. T. d. Edwards
this day male and entered, the above
meeting of creditors is continued until
the 18th day of May, A. D: 1854, at same
hour and place. NJ. D. HATCH, Clerk
April Ii, 1884.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07
MEDICAL.
TIRE
DR.. LEIBle
Private
DISPENSARY
400 Geary Street,
San Francisco, Cal.

Conducted by Qualified Physicians Regular
" e2TSs Oldest Specialist in the Uni
ted states whose LIFELONG BxPERIENCE, perfe ct
method and pure medicine, insure SPEEDY and
prcYANExr cuxKs Of all Private, Chronic and
Nervous Diseases. Affections of the Blood.
skin. Kidneys. Bl:.d Ter Erup.ions, Ulcers, Old
sores. swelling Of the Glands. Bone Pains. per-
r,anently cured and eradicated from the system
for life.
Nervous Debility, Impotency. Seminal Losses,
Sexual Decay, Mental and Physical Weakness,
Failing Memory, Weak Eyes, Stunted Develop
cesses or youthful follies, or from any cause,
speedily, safely aud privately cured:
Young, Middle-Aged and Old Men, and all
who need medical skill and experience, consult
the old European Physician at once. His opin-
ion costs netting, and may save future misery
and shame. When inconvenient 90 visit the
city for treatment, medicines can be sent every
where by express free from observation. 1t IS
selfevident that physician Who gives nus
whole attention to class OF diseases attalns
great skill, and physiel ms tnrou.hout tne
.. country, knewing this, frequently recommend
difficult cases to the Oldest specialist, by whom
every known good remedy is used The Doe
tors age and experience makes his opinion of
supreme importance.
-. These who call see no one but the Doc
tor, Consultations free and sacredly conf
DENTAL Cases which have failed in obtaining
relief elsewhere especially solicited. Female
diseases successfully treated. The Doctor will
aerre to forfeit = 900 for a csse undertaken,
not cured. Call or write. Hours: Daily,
from Ga m. to p m, 6 t. evenings; Sun
GUIDE TO HEALTH; SENT Free. Address as
above.
DIR. LIEBIG'S
Wonderful German InviSoratOr
Permanently prevents all Unnatural Losses
<b,c ho afPaDDfhnna
the muscles, checks the wsste, mvlSOrates the
whole system, and restores the afflicted to
Health and Happiness.
The reason so many c,nHct get cured Of Sem
inal Weakness. LoSso :. .:.hoOd, etc, IS owing
to a complication. c:.i =, PkOSTATORRHEA
with HYPERAETR'. / : which requires pecu
liar treatment D ..;eb:g Invigsrator is the
only positive cure for PROSTATORRHE \,
with peculir Special Treatment, usei at the
LIEBIG DISPENSARY.
Ii pinpieS appear Oh the face, if you become
listless and Respondent look out for the COM
picaton with Vital Weakness and los of Vital
ity known as PTostatOrrhea. Hundreds OF lives
have been lost for the want Of proper treat
ment TOR this complication, and thousands have
lost all their property and pleasure in life from
Price of KnvigoratOr. 50. Cases Of
six bottles, $40. Sent to any address, covered
securely from observation.
Most powerful electric belts free to patients.
To Rrove the Wonderful Power of the IN
YIGORATOR
A So Bottle Given or Sent Free.
Consultation free and private
Call or address,
LlEEsIG EISPENSARY.
400 Geary Street, San Francisco, Cal.
Private Entrance, 4o5 Mason street, four
blocks up Geary street from kearny. Main
Entrance through Dispensary Drug Store.
h14
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07

Resolved, That the several Republi-
can County Com mitteeS of the State are
hereby instructed to call Primary
Election of the people OF their respec-
tive counties on saturday, April IL, 1884,
for the purpose of electing Delegates to
the State Convention to be held at Vir-
ginia City, April 80, 1884; and to call a
Primary Election of the people of their
respective counties on Saturday, August
%, 1884, for the purpose of eIecting Del
egates tot the State Convention to be held
at Carson City, September 4, 1854; said
Primary Elections to be carried out in
compliance with the laws of this state,
and the instructions of this Committee.
Resolved. That any county may elect
Delegates to the said State Convention
at a County Convention, the members
of which shall have been elected at the
said Primaries held on april IL or
August %.
Resolved, That if a vacancy should
occur in any delegation after the Pri
maries are held, said vacancy shall be
filled by the remaining Delegates.
Resolved, That the following test be
required ofeach and every voter as the
ssid Primary Election: "Are you u Re
publican? And will you support the
nominees of the Republican National
Convention land efthe Republican State
COnventiOn?'
&C. STEVENSON,
Chairman Republican State Central
Committee of Nevada.
mari F. c, LORD, Secretary.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07
DIR. SPIN Y.
No. t. KeaEny Street.
Treats All Chronic and Special Diseases.

young Men
TEyhO May be AufIering from the
w effects Of youthful follies or indiscretion
viii do well to avail themselves Of this, the
greatest boon ever laid on the altar Of suf-
fering hum, ,:ty. DIR. Spinney will guarantee
to forfeit $500 for every case Of Seminal Weak
ness or private disease Of any kind or character
which no undertakes and fails to cure.
MIDDLE-AGED MEN.
There are many at tho age Of thirty to sixty
who are troubled wi. too frequent excavations
Of the bladder, often accompanied by slight
marting or burning sensation and weakening
q the 81 stem in a manner the patient cannot
account for On examining the urinary de-
posits ropy sediment viii often be found, and
sometimes small particles C! albumen will ap-
pear, or TIE color will be Of q thin mlkish hue,
again changing to . dark and torpid appear
asloe. There are man. men VIII" die Of this diff
Eou!ty, ignorant Of ne cause, which is the Sec
Ond stage of seminal weakness. DR.. s. will
guarantee perfect cure in all such cases, and
: healthy restoration Of the genit0 urinary
Office Hours-l0 to and to 8. Sundays,
from 10 to IL .. m. Consultation free,
Thorough examination and advice, IS.
Call or address DIR. SPINNEY & CO..
NO. II Kearny st. San Francisco.
tan216
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1884-05-07
Or. C. D. SALFIELD,


SAN FRAN CISCO, CAL
Consultation strictly confidential, by letter
or at office, FREE. For the convenience of
patients, and in order to insure perfect secrecy.
have adopted private address, under which
all pa ckages are forwarded.
TRIAL BOTTLE FREE.
Sufficient to show its merit, will be sent to
anyone applying by letter, stating his symp-
toms and age. Communications strictly conf
Dental ais