Daily Republican., 1884-07-17
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT.

"Now, my dear, " said the cand idate'sl
vife, don't wish TO throw the slight |
ct obstacle In the way Of your election,
md II you choose to turn the house into |
bear-garden, and have all the loaiers
n the town trampling on my carpets |
md filing my curtains with pipe
moke, and drinking whisky out OF my
,est tea cups, / sha'n't say a word.
But want you distinctly 10 understand
hat IL another Of those woman's rights
delegations comes to know II you are
yoing to take q manly stand for down.
rodden omAnhood-well, that delega-
ion has got to be twenty years older
Ind keep its veil down, or I'll interview
t myself. That's all, dear.
A certain country squire was the
most unca lculating Of mortAls In money
He began to build house,
but his original design grew, with wing
on wing, until 1t few away with all his
cash capital, and more too. He was In
debt to architects, carpenters, masons,
and for everything about his new
dwelling. One bright morning 10
March, as he leaned meditatively over
o fence, looking toward his Aladdin
palace, . stranger passing by asked !:
" Sir, whom does that handsome edifce
belong TOT" That" said the squire,
with sparkle in his eye, is just
what I am trying to find out!'
"Ma, I didn't know you had eyes in
the back Of your head" said little
Johnny Simpson to his mother. "Why,
haven't, my dear. What put such
m idea In your head?" returned Mrs.
Simpson, in surprise. Well, heard
pa tell nurse, last night, to run along,
because you had eyes In the back OF
your head, an could see through ten.
foot WALL" replied Johnny. There is a
new nurse up at Simpsons now. and the
new nurse Is forty-six years old, and
has q mustache and one reen eye.
Once upon time o traveller arrived
late at hotel, and found all the rooms
engaged. Here was sad case. But
his ready wit did not desert him. He
walked into the gentlemen's room, and
standing in the middle of the floor, said
Z" Gentlemen, l am happy to see sc
many OF you here tonight. l am q
book agent, and l want to show you
Before he could utter another word, the
whole company had taken to the woods
and he had his choice Of apartments.
A fool, . barber, and q bald-headed
man were travelling together. Losing
their way, they were forced TO sleep II
the open air, and to avert danger 1t wa,
agreed to watch by turns. The lot frs
tell on the barber, who, for amusement
shaved the FOOLS head, while he wa
sleeping. He then awoke him, ant
the fool, raising his hand to scratch hi
head, exclaimed: Here's q prett.
mistake You have awakened tn
bald-headed man instead of me-"
| A grammar school boy became 30 oh
streperous that his teacher, new In he
vocation, young and pretty, determines
to try the plan of keeping him in. Al
tor school she sat with grim determin
ton until 1t became dark, and then le
him depart. What WAS her astOnisf
ment to find the youth awaiting her
the gate. He greeted her with I: 1t
too dark for q young lady to be alon
in the streets. Will you allow me
see you home ?"
"The idea of putting John on a jury
Iexcla lined Mrs Tompkins, when st
heard that her husband had been sun
imoned. "They might As we'll order
new trial right off. They won't g
John to agree on o verdict. He Ia Il
most obstinate man ever saw. ! ne
or knew him to agree with his own wi
in anything, ard 1t isn't at all like
he's going to agree with people
doesn't know anything about. A pref
ljuryman he Is |"
The royal train WAS delayed near
thirty minutes to-day between Borg
and Vitteria, owing to grease which b.
been applied to some thirty lengths
' rail. This is suspected to be the wo
B of either Carlists or Socialists, who mt
have received foreign aid. This latl
: theory Is veil established, as the roy
- chemist, to whom q specimen OF
!. grease was submitted, has prOnounc
$ 1t to be American soft-soap.
i Artemus Wards answers to corr
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. have
: home; where shall go ?" II you wa
y a" Home, Sweet Home" you had b
!. ter go on q sugar plantation. Lat
Matilda have an upfortuni
: tendency, even on rival occasions,
T. shed tears. How can 1 prevent It
= Lock up the shed. Traveller HI
long was Artemus Ward i'll California
Five feet ten and half.
J. A pretext.-A few evenings ago
little Austin boy was busily engaged
- learning his lessons. His father, one
II the leading citizens Of Austin, had &c
a. to the lodge. His mother was BIT
sewing. The little boy looked up a
T. asked i" Mamma, what does prete
~ mean ?" When your father has to
TO the lodge three times a week, that
= a pretext to get away from his famil
~. "How do you like the character
10. St. Paul?' asked parson of his la
s. lady one day, during a conversat
about the old saints and apostles. " al
, N, said she I" he was good, clever old 81
~ l know, for he once said, you KIM
= that we must eat what is set before
)F and ask no questions for console
Ms sake. always thought should
~ him for boarder."
&c. Mr.. Greatheart was walking do
he the avenue on Thursday when he l
IN 10, MIR. Piousboy. Howdy?" said
SSa Greatheart. How is the folk
cd /" Net WE'LL" dolefully responded
ed piousboy. 4" 1 have the pneumonia
Us nv domicile." "That's bad" retr
. as ed Mr.. Greatheart. 81 had il {
aT but had it in my right lung" T
lseparated.
~, sS "They are not many, Lord A.
Ito phus," said Mrs. Ponsonby de i
re, kyns, pointing to her books;
lid they are all friends-dear old frient
iui Noble poet (taking down volume
nv his own poems and finding the les
lid uncut): "Ah hum | I'm glad
ted find that you don't cut all your
led friends, Mrs. de Tomkyns - Mrs.
ls y; de Tomkyns Is at loss for once.
18th &c At that" continued story-te
In who was narrating q personal exl
r.. ence, "my face fell" =" Did any
st. st.. pick 1t np?" interrupted quiet lis
m or. "What do you mean?"
. nothing! Only if somebody had ?
- aa II mn and hid IL awav out of al oil