Saturday press. [volume] (Honolulu, H.I.) 1880-1885, 1884-12-27
"a. natural a. life murmrr,d Deacon

AS natural as life,7 murmrrsd Deacon
Stimpon.
"Jes' 3d. whispered Dea ION Gribb
Thank you, gentlemen cried the smiling
inventor, Il knew You would appreciate IL.
A word or two more. THIS, sermons point
ing 10 a pile of metal plates upon the table,
j obtain from n prominent literary bureau.
They are oil new, original aud guaranteed.
You get them at the wholesale rates With
each clericomotor ! also throw in twenty
sorted hymns, announcements and remarks
suitable 20 all occasions, together with two
bottles Of my celebrated electrical lubficator
and a monkey-wrench. My schedule rate
u 500, but, as You gentlemen ore the first
purchasers, | will make IL $40 not
The deGcOns were almost overcome oy this
rapid way OF doing business.
"Hold on" cried Deacon Simpson, how
about christeningsf
"W,d lings HrStln dryly remarked Deac on
Simpson.
AN pastoral calls, % added Deacon Grub
IAN arranged, gentlemen, cred tho genial
Rogers; plates for everything just think
Of it-no chickering's over the parsons wits.
no devastating donation parties, no soul.d
stroying slippers to distract your daughters
mind; no salary falling due every quarterl
The clericomoter is never troubled with
clergymen's sore throat and needs no yaca-
tons In short the only expense he will en-
tail upon you will be- for q small boy 20 turn
the crank
Deacon Simpsons face lighted up. "Thnt
won't cost much, ITecloD, y he said; my boy
Hezekinh, will 10 just the one for that
Deacon Simpson and Grubb looked ateach
other with a dubious expression. for Hez
Simpson was generally considered the worst
10y In Byesyille
Understand, gentleman aid the in
vcntor gravely, "this whole matter is to 10
kept a profound secret ! ask nothing
until the clsrcomotor has publicly proved its
usefulness. To-day is Fridsy--f you have
no objection we will try 1t next Sunday
The deacoDs nodded assent
ain the meantime must again urge upcn
You the necessity of the strictest secrecy
1t had been whispered about Byesville that
the committee on selection had n new candi-
date to present to the congregation. Conse-
quently the church was flled to its utmos.
capacity at an unusually early hour Not
witbstandiDg this fact the first Corners were
surprised TO find the clerical stranger there
before them. As the church filed up, many
comments were whispered over this unusual
proceeding, but they were supplemented by
numerous complimentary illusions to his dis
tinguished appearance.
The services opened with the doxology
sung by the congregation-and proceeded In
the customary manner. The congregation
was charmed with the newcomer His
gestures were graceful, though exceedingly
numerous, and his voice full and deep. 80
finely DEVELOPED were these admi lable quail
ties that when he made tue announcem mt
that the usual collection would be taken up,
II WINS noted that he impaired to IL a sym a.
thetic flavor that II never before seemed 10
possess.
II was, however, in the sermon that he
achieved his browning triumph. Never be-
fore In the history Of tie Byesville orthodox
church had such an eloquent effort been
heard. Replete with graceful imagery and
profound thought IL held their undivided at
tention from tho opening sentences And
most remarkable Of all IL was delivered *
temporaneouslyl The faces of Deacons
Simpson, Simpson and Grub wore look u
the proudest abstraction, and they exchanged
smiles of congratulation across the church.
Happily they did not know what was in
store for them.
As is understood, the motive power of the
clericomotor was Hez. Simpson, the deacon's
harum- sea- un son, who was concealed behind
the pulpit. At first the responsibility OF his
position held his frolicsome disposition in
check, and he performed the duties prescribed
for him with exemplary fidelity, but, as the
novelty wore Off his natural spirit of mis-
chief asserted its IT, Despite his solemn n
struction not to turn the handle backward,
and probably because of this very interdic-
tion, he was dying TO try the effect Of The for
hidden experiment.
The new clergyman had reachoi HSeven-
teentbly," and was just entering upon glow
ing pcroration, when he was observed to
slightly hesitate. Aim t Immediately, how
ever. he recovered himself, and clearly and
forcibly calculated, "Sixteenthlyi"
HeZ. had commence syperimentiuy
sentences smoothly, 4 then, without mo-
ment's warning, shou' "1'hirdlyl'
The hair on the hea,ls of Deacons Simpson
and Simpson stood on end in horror. Dea-
ctn Grub was bald. 1t was very evident
that Hezekiah had thrown all prudence to the
wind. Tie new minister, without In tho
slightest degree losing the expressing ct grav-
ity which added dignity to his countenance,
camly proceeded backward by jerks through
secondly and "hrstiy." Then he jumbled
together two announcements and hymn,
and varied the astonishing performance by
rapidly sitting down and rising again half
dozen times. Following this with variety
OF wild gestures he fiercely delivered what
was commonly supposed to be quotation in
Choctaw, and then suddenly roared: The
ance of the sentence was lost in a frigntfulex-
posion. Intoxicated with success, Hez had
famed the crank back too fsr and the main
cylinder had burst
The collapsed clericomotor sank tn the floor
as the congregation rushed in disnay from
the building,
The pulpit of the orthodox church OF Byos-
vile is still vacant
- sf,0!i FREE /yesS