Morris tribune., 1884-09-17
WIT AND ,HUMoR.


And no smile on sunnyswing,
It's flight DER her features took,
Because on her dazzling engagement rug
Her sisters wouldntlo look.
In New Orleans the sand-bag is used
to stop gaps in the lcvee; in Chicago 10
make gaps in society.
The proper question to ask q young
woman who is about to elope Is,
"Does your mother know your route!"
A young man with pair OF hand
PAINTED suspenders generally hnds
room too warm to work in with his
cont on.
INV Mexico is elated over the dis
coverS of q mountain OF alum IN the
western part of the. territory. The peo-
pie should prepare to quicker.
Grace: 81 am going to see Clara to-
day. Have you any messase?' Dora:
81 wonder how you can visit that
dreadful girl! Give her my love-"
In Armenia girls are married when
IL years old. In this country at that
age they are too busy buying candy
and making faces at tho boys to think
of matrimony.
One young man said, to another: 1T
is long way from this world to tho
next. N"Oh, never mind, my dear fell
low," said the other; you'll have it all
down hill"
Another Waterloo veteran is dead.
We are not sure how many Waterloo
veterans still live, but if Napoleon had
half of them in his army he would have
won the fight.
An article containing o dozen hints
on how to take care of horse Is going
the rounds of the press, but there is
not one hint as to how to get the horse
-Norristoauas Herald.
The human is supposed to be far
more intelligent than the brute crea-
ton, and vet ordinarily the street-car
horse answers the bell much quicker
than tho servant-girl will.
'Shall take your love to your dear
mother?" said a lady visitor who was
going to see the mother in question to
q little child of years. "She has my
love-" was the quaint reply.
SIS this singing doll?" asked she
Of the clerk. Eyes, Mademoiselle.
GLOW do you make it singh just as
YOU would any other young lady"
GLOW is thate" "By pressing it. :" 30"
The ..Sweet Singer of Michigan has
made oscar Wilde" rhyme with ''fos-
ter child" Thisis little more credit
able than her attempt to rhyme 'con-
sanguinity" with claws a'massy," but
not much. g..
els your mother IMP" asked a visitor
of little Mormon boy, who opened
the door. mo, ma am" the little boy
replied, with tears in his eyes Che had
Just been spanked, } "but my brother
mother is in"
Mr.. George W. Childs, the owner
and editor of the Philadelphia Ledger,
has his office, like most other editors,
away back, up stairs, where he is not
easily found. But it is 4 curiosity shop,
filled with bric-a-brac. .t--
A woman has finally been admitted
to practice law in Connecticut, and the
country can lean back and take rest
for q few weeks. We didn't know there
was any law in that state, but maybe
she can find some somewhere. DETROIT
Free Press.
s.Do you suppose eating angel cake
will make an angel of me?" asked q
seraphic young lady of the worldly
Young man. '.l'vc no bought it will, :"
he answered. .'if yon will only eat
enough of it, Then she giggled, and
said, "Why?'' IS w., ~
.No," said fond mother, speaking
proudly of her 25-year-old daughter;
ssno, Mary isn't old enough to marry
vet. She cries whenever any one scolds
her, and until she becomes hardened
enough to talk back vigorously she
isn't fit for wife," -, ~
"Yes," said Mrs. Liberal, 81 hate
those Straiters, they are so awfully
bigoted; but they needn't be so stuck
up about their religion. The liberal
faith is gaining fast, and it won't be
many years, I guess. before we can be
as bigoted as they are"
The old tramp who was a michigan
fire sufferer last summer will 60 on
the road this spring rs an ''Ohio flood
sufferer" He thought once he would
have to appear as a Java earthquake
sufferer" but the floods have fortunate
| " rendered this rather far-fetched ex-
cuse unnecessary.
New Yorker (who has been ''stuck''
more than an hour with intellectual
young lady from BOSTON,: "You say
that you despise New York men.
Then why do you come to New York,
and why do YOU go to New York par
tiese'' Young lady from Boston: ''foE
a complete intellectual rest"
"Pa,'' said little boy to his father
on their arrival at St. Louis, Il didn't
know people in this city he'd wings. "
ssWingsp Certainly not replied the
father. '.Then what arc those things
that stick up so higbp" ''Hush, my
boy" said the father in an underlone;
'you mustn't speak so loud. Those
are ears"
Remember, sir, that you owe some
thing to your constituents, said one
member of our city council to another.
"Humpht" said the other, ''if you owe
anything to your constituents, all I've
got to say is that you're lucky, Why,
| there are not half-dozen voters in my
ward that have not borrowed money
from me-"
Aeontemporary asks: "How shall wo'
men carry their purses to Illustrate the
thievesP" Why. carry them empty.
Nothing illustrates 9 thief more than
to snatch lady's purse, after follow
ing her half a mile, land then find that
it contains, nothing but a recipe fol
spiced peaches and faded photograph
of her grandmother.
"Come, sorrow, smooth my brow
'and kiss my lips and lay thy gentle
hand upon my heart" sings the poet.
The counting of such o dismal maid
betrays a bad case of dyspepsia or a
4 woefnl lack of invigorating exercise,
A poet with a sound body would find
Joy more cheerful and attractive maid.
Rochester Democrat. q
| How Gerster views it: Reporter
suppose you heard about that kissing
affair between Governor Crittepden and
Pattip Gerster-I heard that the gov
ernor kissed Patti before she had time
to resist, but don't see anything in
that to create so much talk. Reporter
J-You don'tp Gerster-C Certainly NOT.