St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1884-03-07
COUSIN SALLY billiard.
Seemed Court of Justice in North oarouin

a. LII VI GIL AAcCoT Gil
thus addresses the court:-"May it please
your Worships, and you, gentlemen
of the jury, since it has been M
fortune good or bad, 1 will not say to exer
else myself in legal disqufsitions, it has nevel
befallen me to be obliged to pros
ecute so direful, marked, ant
malicious an assault more willnl, violent,
dangerous battery-and finally, a more dia
bolical breach of the peace, has seldom hap
pened in a civilized country; and I dare say
it has seldom been your duty to pass one 81
shocking to benevolent feelings, a
this which took place over at Capt
Rice's in this county. But you vii
hear from the witnesses"
The witnesses being sworn, two or three
were examined and deposed-one said thai
he heard the noise, but did not see the fight;
another that he had seen the row, but didn't
know who struck first; and a third, that he
was very drunk, and couldn't say much
about the ~scrimmage.
Lawyer Chops. l am sorry gentlemen, to
have occupied your time with the stupidity
OF the witnesses examined. It arises, gen.
tlemen, altogether from misrepresentation on
my part. Had l known, as Inow do, that |
had a witness in attendance, who was well ac-
quainted with all the circumstances of the
case, and who is able to make himself clear
~ understood by the court and jury, l
should not so long have trespassed upon your
time and patience. Come forward, Mr.. Harris,
and be sworn.
Sc forward, comes the witness, a fat.
shuffiy old man. a '~'leetle'' corned, and took
his oath with an air.
Chops. Harris, we wish you to tell about
the riot that happened the other day at Cap
tain Rice's; and as a good deal of time has
already been wasted in circumlocution, we
wish you to be c~ompendious, and at the
anne time as explicit as possible.
Harris. Adzactly giving the lawyer a
knowing wink, and at the same time clear
ing his throat. Captain Rice, he gin a
treat, and cousin Sally billiard, she came
over to our house and axed me if my wife
she mount go. I told cousin Sally billiard
that my wife was poorly, being as how she
had a touch Of the rheumatics in the hip, and
the big swamp was in the road, and the big
swamp was up, for there had been a heap of
rain lately; but, howsomever, as it was she,
cousin Sally billiard, my wife she mout go.
Well, cousin Sally billiard then axed me if
Nose he moutn't go. / told ousin Sally
billiard, that he was the foreman Of the crap,
and the crap was smartly in the grass; but,
howsomever, as it was she, cousin Sally Dill
lard, Nose he mout 60
Chops. In the name of common sense,
Mr.. Harris, what do you mean by this rigma-
role?
Witness. Captain Rice, he gin a treat,
and cousin Sally billiard she came over to
O1r hOI1ca and oyaA M &c ~ u yrifa che
moutn't go! 1 told cousin Sally billiard
Chops. Stop, sir, if you please; We don't
want to hear anything about your cousin Sally
billiard and your wife-tell us about the
fight at Rice's.
Witness. Well, 1 will sir, if you will let
me-.
Chops. Well, sir, go on.
Witness. Well, sir, Captain Rice he gin a
treat, and cousin Sally billiard she came
over to our house and axed me if my wife
she moutn't 60
Chops. There it is again. Witness, please
to stop.
Witness. Well, sir, what do you want?
Chops.-We want to know about the fight,
and you must not proceed in this imperti-
nent story. Do you know anything about
the matter before the court?
Witness. To be sure | do.
Chops. Well go on and tell it, and moth
ing else.
Witness. Well, Captain Rice he gin a
treat
Chops. This is intolerable. May it please
the court, 1 move that this witness be com
mitted for a contempt; he seemst to be trif-
ing with this court.
Court. Witness, you are now before a
court of justice, and unless you behave your
self in a more becoming manner, you will
be sent to jail; so begin and tell what you
know about the fight at Captain Rice's.
Witness. [Alarmed.] Well, gentlemen,
Captain Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally
DiIiard+9S
l. Chops.z ] hope the witness may be, order
ed into custody.
Court. AFTER deliberating.l Mr.. Attor-
ney, the court is of the opinion that We may
save time by telling witness to go on in his
own way. Proceed, Mr.. Harris, with your
story, but stick to the point.
Witness. Yes, gentlemen. Well, Cap
tain Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally
billiard she came over to our house and AK
ed me if my wife she moutn't 90? ! told
cousin Sally billiard that my wife she was
poorly, being as how she had the rheumatics
in the hip, and the swamp was up; but now
somever, as it was she, cousin Sally billiard,
my wife she mout 90. Well, cousin Sally
billiard then axed me if Nose he moutn't 90
l told cousin Sally billiard as how Mose-he
was the foreman of the, crap, and the crap
was smartly in the grass-but howsomever,
as it was she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose he
mout go. So they goes on together, Nose,
my wife, and cousin Sally billiard, and they
come to the big swamp. and it was up, as l
was telling you; but being as how there was
a log across the big swamp, cousin Sally
billiard and Nose, like genteel folks, they
walked the log; but my wife, like a confound-
ed fool, hoisted her coats and waded through.
And that's all / know about the fight.