davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1884-03-26
COMIC COMMENTS.


Brigham Youngs widows nre dying nu
caerously.
The dime novel should be wadded in the
toy pistol, and then both should be do
stroyed.
2" A train behind time,n remarked Fogg,
seeing an elderly maiden tricked out in full
flowing robes.
Books ore said to be the best companions.
This is probably because you can shut them
up when you want to.
!" That IL not the way to raise child, !"
said the humanitarian TO q parent arrested
for lifting his boy up by the ear.
Another eruption in Java ~ exclaimed
the bachelor, as the lid few off the pot in
which he was boiling some coffee. ess
"I absorb your words" says the blotting
pad to the writer. +" And absorb your
money" says the foot-pad to the victim.
Marriage in Baltimore is made Cypress
lively expensive under law permitting the
County Clerk to charge $3.50 for license.
We are great tract society" remarked
the president of o company which recently
purchased thousand acres Of land in
Texas. m
The rapid strides toward civilization made
by South Carolina are attracting the admir-
alton Of the country. Her last Legislature
listed only four weeks.
Simply because his cat brought home two
or three fish which she stole from the
neiehboring market, Biggs boasts that he
gets his mackerel by the kit.
Eighty Of the 925 members Of our present
national House Of Representatives are not
lawyers. There has been great oversight
somewhere - Louisville Courier-Journdl.
Dover, Del, has pretty postmistress,
but her temper is something terrible. It ia
asserted that when she is real mad she in
variable stamps her foot instead of the let.
tiers.
Tuckahoe man recently caused his
druggist to commit suicide by returning O
porous plaster with the remark that 1t
" must be an old one, as it was oil full of
holes"
Can brutes talk 2" was the question
under debate. /" should say they could
my husband talks" was the answer given
by o Flatbush woman who owns no plush
or fur mantle.
No." said Fogg, ~ didn't like the
picture at oil but you'd better look ut II
yourself. Don't be guided by me. You
taste is not as good as mine, you know, and
you might like it."
A small boy, who stood gazing wistfully
At large candy man in q city CONNECTION
sr's window, suddenly exclaimed : III
could lick that fellow with both hands tied
behind my back l"- Norristoon Herald.
a. Why is a nomination to public Office &C
often called an empty honor, fatherG" asked
the boy Of an old politician. g Because
my son. was the solemn reply, sit rarel,
fails to empty the pockets of the victim OF
the nomination. M
Fortunes fayors are unequally distribut
cd in this world. Thomas Mast gets &c.,
900 year for sketches that are not printed
while the man who sends poetry to tn,
newspapers, without hope Of reward, gets
back neither his manuscript nor his stamp
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1884-03-26

&C. w. RITrENnousE, No. South
Union St., Lambertville, below the old
bank, has just received new stock of
Embroideries, cheaper than ever offered
in Lambertville. Call and you will be
convinced. Also, lot Of Window Cur
tains at half yalue-something new
Children's White and Calico Dresses, In-
fant's Robesand Ladies' Muslin Under
wear, far below any ever offered previ-
ously. Z 9vTg8f sfi& af.13.-tf
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1884-03-26
81 DIVIDENDS A YEAR,
FROM $3 INVESTED.

That is what any one m receive who subscribes
for THs 1EpKrKNDENr Of New York.
n occupies two fields. First, religious jour
nal 1t Is undenom national and broader than any
sect. Its aim is to strengthen and extend Evan
gelical religion and 10 defend 1t against the at
free toapproye or cfitcise In any Of the denoninn-
tions whatever II believes is designed 70 adya
or hinder the progress of The Gospel o. Qhrist, =,
Among its religious writers are Leonard w.
Bacon d. D., s. c. Barlette, y. D., Prest. John Bas-
CON- Bishop Thomas NJ Clark, Rev, Joseph Cook,
Bishop A. G. Coke, George X Crooks p p How
Samuel Dixie, George r. Fisher. y. p. Prof. Nor
man Fox, Washington GLADDEN., ID. ID, Bishop /.
d. Huntington. Bishop ]. +, Hurst, = p. Morris
Phillip Schah ID. d., r. s. Storrs, d. d., William NJ.
Taylor, D. D,wiliiam c. Wilkinson, d. D., Prest.
T. b. wooisey.
second. As a literary journal 1t stands without
peer among the weekly press. During the past
year 4 has published articles and poems by more
than three hundred OF the most talented writer's
:" Among them Amelia <. Barr, Mary Clenmer
Rose Terry Cooke, Kate Foote, Dora Read Goodale,
Hi u D. d. william D. Mowells III. H. sidney
Ianier Rose Hawthorne I.athrop, Louise Chandler
Moulton, joaquin Miller, Il. A. Cakes, Mrs. :. N.
dard, Edmund Clarance Steiman, Mrs. Iaunt
Thompson ]. II. Trowbridge Celia Thaxter, John
Greenieaf whittier, Sarah c. woolsey, Susan +.
Wallace, William G. Ward and Prof Charles A.
TIM INDEPENDENT will. within the next few
months, publish stories by William ID. Howels,
author OF Their Wedding Journey" "a modern
Instance," etc. w. +. Morris, author OF "Matr-
mony ""No New Thing" etc; i. Marion Craw-
ford author of"Mr. Isaacs," DIR. Claudius" etc.
j. s. Of Dale, author of "Gnerndale;' Edward
Eyeritt Hale, author often Times One Is Ten,
etc.; Julia Schayer author of Tiger Lilly, and
Other stories,n Rebecca Harding Davis, sarah orne
levitt Fred ID. Story, Kate Epson Clarke etc,
ETC. Ii is also negotiating with other distinguish
ed story-writers of England and America whose
names II does not as yet feel at liberty to make
public.
contends for sound ideas and principles. IL be-
licyes In the reform of the civil service and tariff
in the publication OF politics, and maintains those
principles which the highest ethics and best intel
Tms iNnsrksprSr has 20 distinct departments,
80 pages in all.
TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS.
One subscription one year. 70 ~
For 6 months, 1850; for months, %
One subscription two years, % ~
One subscription i've years, ~ W
aTRiAL TRIP
We offer a months subscription, as Trial
Trim lar "a cents " hich can be RENTED by post
ACE stamps Payment OF 81 10 In addition will Sc
cnre the ba lance OF a years subscription.
Send postal card for free specimen copy anu
udge for yourself Address
THE INDEPENDENT,
25i Broadway, New York,
Nov 10 ct.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1884-03-26
HE DIDN'T FLAG THE TRAIN,
Biz Bill Dempsey Tansht Jim Ransom q
Lesson Which He VIII Never Forget.

NGyGf
A few engineers and firemen were sitting
around coil Of steam pipe in the round
house telling their yarns. Among them was
apaie young man who had lost his health
In dry goods store and had Just engaged
as an extra fireman. -g.s
II never was so mad said Big Bill
Dempsey, "as I was when licked Jim
Ransom fur mot fiaggin' me-"
When was that r asked one Of the Ere.
men.
LES see," said Bill, thoughtfully, that
wus In '7s--the year they put in the Uarins
sids-track." Lr@#@ ma
For what oifsnse did you punish him ?"
asked the pale young man.
"Hey ~
What did you whip him for 2"
+" WAL" said Bill, the confunded eliot
stopped down in the Kawanee hollow, an
never sent no man back 70 flag me. wus
comm down the hill lickety split whom I
seem his way-car. 1 had the old TO- with
ewcnty-four cars, an hadn't no ides could
stop 'er, but ] flung 'er over an give er the
plug fur all she wus worth. tore her olo
are all out, but I got 'er by the neck all thu
sams. She stopped within three feet Of jim
Ransoms way-car. Thunder an sour milk,
but was mad | Jim was standin' there, a.
ratified as q woman ON crossin', an says
You internal ejiot, why didn't you send
nobody back to flag mel BY gosh, Bill,
says ., "pll be darned II I didn't furget
~ Oh, YOU did, eh9 says I an jumped
down out o that gangway an give him the
sternalest wallopin' he ever got"
Why did you not report him to the
superintendent, and have him removed for
suOh gross carelessness p said the pale
young man.
"Say, look a-here, young Teller, I'll give
you dead straight pointer" replied Bill
" II you're a-coming on this road with them
sort o. ideas, the quicker you don't come
the better fur you. II its good health you
want, you just rent out them air notions to
some feller With kid gloves. Yes, ia look
pretty, would, s-goin' an reportin' o man
that's got family to take care Of, an have
i'm throwed out Of job in the dead o. win
ter. Young Teller, them ideas may do fur
counter Jumpers, but they hain't good fur
nnthin' to railroad in. Chicago Ne1s
q Ii .N7, 4
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25

before the Ohio election. These men have
access to the pension rolls and lists of ap-
plicants, and after consultation with local
political managers they easily discover the
names and residences Of Democratic or
doubtful applicants to whom such argu
men's can be safely or effectively made
There are other indications that Blaine and
his lirutenants will work with all their
might ia Indiana, where the Republicans
have had marvellous organization and
where doubtful voters have been made ia
miliar with corruption. But of all plans
for til. corruption of voters the plan adopt
ed by Dudley and his subordinates is the
most disgraceful. No more Infamous use
of public money and the public service for
the benefit Of individuals and a party has
ever been seen in national election. Can
It be that the President is willing ths, foul
work ct this kind shall be done9-INew
York Times.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
a Sad disappointment.

At Sacramento, the other day, man
was on his last legs with pneumonia.
His life was insured for several thous-
and dollars, and it appeared to him a
little tough that he was to get no fun
out of all this money. Determined to
do the best he could under the circum-
stances, he made will that he thought
would cover portion of the ground.
His will provided that at his funeral
every hack in town should be employ
ed, and all Of his friends and acquaint-
ances invited to attend and take a ride
afterward. All who attended were al
so invited to participate in n grand
banquet in the evening ut the hotel, at
which brass band, which should lead
the funeral procession, was to enliven
the occasion with music. After max
ing his will he was so tickled with the
idea of the whole affair, as he could
sec it in his minds eye, and with a
thought OF what large slice Of the in
surance he was thus having the fun Of
spending, that he at once begann to
mend, and in spite Of himself got well.
Now he Is rs far rs ever from the in
surance money, and mourns the loss OF
the grand banquet, the brass band and
the other big things that were TO make
his funeral n notable event - 7crr.tor-
taI Enterpyiye.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
Swept into the Stream.
One Thousand Acres of Land and
Right Smart Of Bears

On the deck OF a big Mississippi steamboat
stood an aged Southern planter. indicating by
sweep OF his arm the waters the boat vas passing
over he said to passenger from the North /:
when was twelve years old | killed my fret
Dear on new plantation my father was then cut.
ting out OF fore.t that grew directly over the
waters OF this bend. That was mighty good
plantation, and there was right smart Of bears
there, too. But that one thousand acres Of land
went into the Mississippi years ago."
~ IL pntting no strain upon the h,ure TO say
that grehl forests OF youth lu nope won nly
beauty aud manly strength are swept in the game
way every year into TIE great turbid torrent az
disease aud death. Yeti shoud not he so That
~ 10 so IL disgrace nv well az a loss peonle
are largely too careless or too stupId 10 desand
their Ow interests most precious of Witch
IL health. That gone, ali Ia gone Disease 4.
simple. but TO rcckessncss or Ignorance. me
simplest things might ~ well be co nplex ma n
proposition In Comic Sections. AZ ihe hnga
Western rivers, which 80 often Mood the cites
along their sho es. arise IN few mountain ppring.
10 al our ailmenis can be traced to impure BLOOD
aud small group ~ dis0rdere1 organs.
The most effective aud inclusive remedy for dis
ease is PARKER'S TONIC II goet to tn
sources OF pal ana weakness. IN response to IL
action. the liver, kidney-, STOMACH aud heart 10
pin their work sfresh. and disease II driy' on
The Tonic II not, however. an int0xicant, bu
cures q aceire or strong drink. we You dyn
pepsla. rheumatism, or troubles which have refnt
ID 70 yield 70 other agenIsY Here your help.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
Sitka Jacks POtlatch.

Stka Jacks house is large square
one fronting directly on the beach, and
during his absence at Pyramid Har-
Dor the square hearthstone in the mid
die is kept warm by the relatives he
has left behind him. When this house
was built, in 1877, it was warmed by q
grand potlatch or feast and gift dis
tribution that distanced all previous
efforts of any rivals. An Alaska chief
is considered rich in proportion as he
gives away his possession, and Sitka
jack rose an hundred-fold in Siwash
esteem when he gave his grand pot
latch. All his relatives assisted in
building the house, and this same CON-
munity idea entities them 10 live in it.
Over 500 blankets were given away at
his grand potlatch, and the dance was
followed by great feast, in which
much whisky and native hoochinoo fig
ured. Ben Holiday, Sr., with large
yachting party, was in the harbor at
the time, and lent interest TO the oc-
casion by Offering prizes for canoe
races and adding water carnival to
the other festivities. Sitka Jack near
ly beggared himself by his great spread
but his fame was settled on a substan-
tial basis. and he has since had time to
partly recuperate. He has aged rapid
ly of late years, and now he delights to
crouch by his tireside in winter even
ings and relate the story OF his great
potlatch Of seven years ago.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
INDEPENDENTS HARD AT WORK.

AT the headquarters Of the Independent
Republicans, No. 50 Nassau street, the
work of the executive committee is ncreas-
ing as the campaign draws to a close. A
dozen clerks were busy all day yesterday
folding and mailing documents which have
been called for in this state and throughout
the county, but the work is still far be-
hind the demand which is made on the
committee by diseifected Republicans.
Money for the campaign fund restricts the
work of the committee. An order was Civ
en- yesterday for 100000 more documents,
and these will be distributed where they
will do the most good before election day.
Hitherto the bulk of the documents sent
out from the Independent headquarters
have been Mr.. Schurzs ,peech and copies
of the Mulligan letters. They have been
negative, showing why good Republicans
should not support Blaine, instead OF Civ
ing solid reasons for the election of Cleve-
land. The new documents Just ordered
are to Ee affirm alive 10 their nature, and a
direct appeal to Republicans to vote for
Cleveland. They will include the appeal
of the committee published in Yesterdays
Times, speech by james Freeman Clarke,
of Boston, and an argument in favor of
supporting the Democratic national ticket,
taken from the columns OF the independent
Republican journals, 1t is believed that
these papers will settle the minds of many
Republicans who are now hestating wheth-
er to vote at all as they cannot consistently
support Blaine.
The feeling at the Independent head
quarters is that Cleveland will be able to
carry New York by the votes of disaffected
Republicans, provided the Democrats stand
to their guns The great number of letters
received from all over the state indicate
that alb ut % per cent, or $4,000 of the
Republicans Will refuse TO vote tor Blaine.
OF this number it is estimated that about
$4,000 will vote.for Cleveland, 10000 for
st. John, and the remainder will either vote
for Butler or stay away from the polls. II
is confidently believed that enough votes
will be given to Cleveland to more than
overcome the plurality of $1,000 which
Garfield received 10 the state in 1885,
N Y. Times.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
The Rights OF Incbriatcs.


A Peekskill man was awarded $500
for damages to his person, received by
falling in Il hole in tho street The
case was appealed TO the Supreme
Court, where II was argued tho man
was drunk when injured. In his de-
cision Chief Justice Barnard says: ii
don't think n man is guilty Of contrib
utory negligence II he gets drunk and
falls into hole. A man wants n good
street TO walk In II he does get drunk"
Public sentiment will uphold this de-
decision. Tho Chief Justice might
have gone still further, and said that u
man never needs good street so much
rs when he Is drunk. When he Is sob
er he may avoid pitfalls, holes, and
DISTRACTIONS although he does not nj
ways succeed In doing so--but when
''under tho influence" he Is not rcspon-
siblo for tho bad condition of tho thor
oughfarcs. He has enough to do TO
manage tho "tanglc.foot" part of this
affair without turning himself into an
object lesson TO illustrate the careless
moss or criminal negligence of those
official persons whose business II IL to
SEQ that tho streets are kept In proper
condition. In other words, drunken
men have rights which street commits.
sionors are bound 10 respect--M y
Conn., Aitl
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
A Strange Experience.

81 had strange experience on Sat
urday," said young man who is con-
nected with one of the largest tobacco
establishments In the city to reporter
of tho -'HerIcan recently. "a was
struck by lightning, and didn't know
it-struck by a piece OF thunderbolt,
and never knew what hi, me. was at
my desk at the store working like a
Turk, getting the books in shaue. You
remember how the rain came down.
and how bright the lightning was for
few minutes. The back door was
open, and there was quite draft in
the room, as the cool air felt very
pleasant All of n sudden that un-
usually sharp flash of lightning came.
felt a sharp smack just over my right
eye, as If something had hit me, or,
perhaps better, as il bee or wasp had
lit there for second and stung me. 1t
naturally scared me, and | jumped
from my seat and looked around in
rather dazed manner, trying to think
what had happened. One of the men,
bers of the firm, who had been
partially blinded by the flash, saw me
start, and called out to me to know
what was tho matter. | could give no
explanation at first, but finally ex-
planned to him that | had felt sharp
smack upon the forehead. lie looked,
and, sure enough, there he found
bright red mark, which appeared as if
1t had been made by sharp rap with
the end of a ruler. He then told me
that he had felt a shock himself, and,
more than that, he had seen the light
ming playing in the store, making, as
it were. a passage from the front door
through the back. examined the mark
on my forehead afterward, but could
discover nothing peculiar about it.
There was a slight pain for while,
but 1t soon passed away, and an hour
afterward there was not sign of the
mark left. lam confident was struck
by lightning, but l believe | am prob
ably the luckiest man who ever had
that misfortune. l believe in the adage
that lightning never strikes twice in
the same place, and shall occupy that
seat at my desk with greater sense of
security than | ever possessed before"
''And there was no noise about it
nothing like smsshp"
Not a smash. Baltimore Anleri-
can.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
Don't Splll the Milk.

"rhere is no use crying over spilled
milk" says the old saw. If you arc not
only bald, bu, have no life in the roots of
your hair, there is no use crying over that,
either Take both time and yourself by
the forelock while there is iorelock left
Apply Parker's Hair Balsam to your hair
before matters get worse. II will arrest
the falling of OF your hair and restore It's
original color, gloss aud softncss. It is u
perfect dressing wl,hsl, clean, richly per-
tuned, cools aud heals the scalp
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
DUDLEY'S CRIME.

Inc special agents OF the pension bureau
who bought votes for the Republican ticket
In Ohio by assuring pension claimants that
IN return for their political support their
claims would be advanced on tho list and
adjusted at an early day are now at work
10 inoisna' others were at work there
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
DEMOCRATIC MEETINGS.
Hon. WIN. X. MURPHY

will address the people at New Grand Chain,
Wednesday, Oct, ~, at p. m; at Pulaski, Oct,
%, Up. m.
Hon. GEO. W. HILL,
Democratic candidate for State Senator. will
address the people at the following times and
places: East Cape Girardeau, Tuesday, Oct. 81, a,
p. 10. Gel res sch dollhouse, Tuesday, Oct
81, at p. m; Thebes, Monday, OCT. 30, at / p. IN
Olive Branch, y ednesday, Oct. %, at p. m.
Commercial Point, Thursday, Oct. %, al p. IN.
Hon. Nm. HARTZELL:
PinckneyvIlle, Monday, Oct, 81, at p. IN.
Tamaroa, Tuesday, Oct. IS, at p. m; Marion
Wedn sday, Oct. 20, p. m; Cobdeh, Thursday
Oct. 81, p. Anna, Friday. Oct. 81, Z p. m.
Cairo, aturday, Nov. /, Z p. IN.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
Cheap Homes IN Ar9ansl. AMI Texas


Along the lire of the st. Louis, Iron
Mountain and Southern Railway, Texas and
Pacific Railway and international and
Great Northern Railroad are thousands OF
acres of the choicest farming and grazing
lands in the world, ranging in price from
5000 to $500 aud $i00 per acre, in q
healthy country, with climate unsurpassed
for snlubrity and ctmror'. Send your ad.
dress to the undersigned for copy of sta.
tis,ics of crops raised 10 Arkanses md Texas.
In 1882, and makeup your mind to go aut.
see for yourself when you learn that the CROP
for 1883 Is 80 per cen, larger than that Of
1882. To those purchasing land owned by
the Company, and paying opefonr,h one.
half, or all cash, q proportiopate rebate IL
allowed formoney paid for tickets or freigh,
over the Companies lines.
II. Q. TOWNSEND. Gen'l Pass. Agt.
81. Louis, Mo.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25

Eyery species Of Itching, s ally Pimply. scroiu.
!ous, Inherit ard Contagious Hum ,rs. with
Loss OF Hair, cured by Cnticura II solvent the
new Blood Purifier Internally, and Cuticura aud
Cuticnra soap the great skin Cures extorna "
sod everywhere. Price, Cutcurl, % cents;
Soap, % cents Resolyert, 81.
Potter Drug and emical Co Boston.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
ANNOUNCEMENTS.
STATES ATrORN

We are authorized to announce that Mr.. Angus
Leek IL AL Independent candidate for States At
torney OF Alexander County, in the approaching
November election.
Weare authorized to announce William n. But
Ter the Republican candid tie TO- election TO the
Office % State sAttorney OF Alexander County.
We are authorized to Announce George W. Hen
dricks. Esq,. as Independent candidate for States
Attorney Of Alexander county.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

We are authorized to announce the name of
Thomls B. Vallette, of Santa Fee Precinct as an
Independent candidate for County Commissioner
at the ensuing November electi n.
We are authorized TO announce Geo W. Sam
mons, Of Thebes, an Indepe dent candidate for
County Commissioner of Alexander county, at the
ensuing November ele ton.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
CORONER.

We ere authorized TO announce the name of
Richard Fitzgerald as a candidate for re- election
to the office Of Coroner at the ensuing November
election.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
CIRCUIT CLERK

We are authorized to announce Mr. Alexander
II. Irwin as al Independent candidate for re-
election to the off of Circuit Clerk, In the
coming election Ia November.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-10-25
SCROFULOUS SORES.

] had dozen bad sores upon my body, srd tried
all remedies could hear Of and nj last tried your
Cuhcura Remedies and they have cured me-
JN0. GAsKILL.
Hebron, Thayer County, Penn.