Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-11-10
A morning call-"Get up !"

A morning call-"Get up J!
The bell of the evening-The supper
bell.
A well-fed waiter is not necessarily fed
on water.
Why do old maids wear mittens?-To
keep off the chaps.
Live cattle are exported to England
now. They go in the steerage of course
s'How shall I sleep?'' asks cores
pondent. Without snoring, and on your
own side of the bed.
''My bow is all unstrung," MARBLES
fair poetess. Wonder if her beau had
been out ON racket.
man without any bones is now being
exhibited through New Jersey. He is
probably tired base ball umpire.
An exchange asks .'How to remove
paint?" We have found that coat-sleeve
will take a good deal of it off,
In Uruguay there has not been bust
ness failure for two years and a half.
Who would have thought of looking in
Uruguay for big advertisers?
An uptown man recently dislocated his
jaw by yawning. His wife was probably
telling him what she had bought that day
while shopping.
A Milwaukee girl married bald-head-
ed man, and her lady friends are wonder
ing how she manages to make him stand
around.
There was sweet damsel named Abbie,
Who was stroking her treacherous tabbie,
When the cat without cause,
Scratched the maid with her clause,
In way that was dreadfully shabbie.
A California farmer has had to pay a
fine of $40 for knocking his hired man
down with bunch of grapes weighing
ten pounds. 1t was cheaper than hunt
ing around for rock.
American tramps will be pleased to
learn that the English custom of eating
five meals in day is being introduced
into this country. The news may not be
so grateful to the farmers poultry, how
ever
"Hopes and regrets are the sweetest
links of existence" said sentimental
wife to her husband. eyes, DEAR" he
replied, 81 had hopes of letting you have
$50 for a new bonnet, but regret to say
1.can't do it just at present."
'Mr. Simpkins,' said Johnny to his
sisters beau, ''please open your mouth. y
"Why do you want me to open my
mouth?'' ''Cause heard sister say you
had mouth like whale, and 1 wanted
to see what whales mouth looked like. :"
Tableau.
Yes, sir, said the entomologist, "I
can tame flies so that when I whistle
they will come and alight on my head.''
"Pshaw!' said the bald-headed man,
''that's nothing. They come and alight
on my head without my whistling' The
entomologist sat down.
A certain bachelor in town, who has 4
good business of his own, concluded he
wanted to extend it somewhat, and found
that partner with capital would help
affairs, so he put the matter before a
banker on Third Street 'sAh," said that
gentleman, eyeing him suspiciously, $50
you want a partner, do you?" 81 think it
would be advisable SIT would, nv fine
fellow, it would,' chuckled the banker.
nudging him in the ribs, land the very
partner you want is wife, ssWhat?'
ga wife-ha, ha, hal" and the banker
shook till the greenbacks in his pocket
iingled. ga wife? Well, it might do un-
der some circumstances but, you see, 1
want silent partner"
''Do your women customers bother you
much?" asked citizen who was talking
with Woodward avenue grocer the 9TH
er morning. "Well, they seldom want to
| pay the prices. It seems natural for them
to want to beat down the figures. There
comes one now who probably wants
strawberries. Here are some fresh ones
at fifteen cents per quart, and yet if l
should ask her only eleven she'd want 'em
for ten." "Say, try it on, just for joke.
Ii she asks the price, put it at eleven. -
The grocer agreed, and presently the
woman came up, counted the sixteen
boxes OF berries under her nose, and of
course inquired, "Havc you any straw
berries this morning?" "Yesm." Fresh
ones?" s'sYes'm." s'In quart boxes?'
- es M "How much?" ssOnly eleven
cents per box, madame" ssI'll take the
whole lot" she quietly observed, us she
handed out Il. five-dollar bill; and take
! 'e'n she did The citizen disappeared at
that moment, and the grocer somehow
believes that it was put-up job between
the two