Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-01-07

The only difference between one yard
and two is a fence.
Man wants but little here below, but
woman isn't so easily satisfied.
Here's sarcasm for you; The Mormons
look upon dancing as immoral.
Grief is queer passion. It Increases
the sighs, and still causes one to pine
way.
We believe it was Boston girl who re-
marked that the remains were beautiful
ly upholstered.'
"Pa, said little fellow to his unahaven
father, ''your chin looks like the wheel in
| the musical box"
What is that which is always invisible
yet never out Of sight?-The letter 'i"
which is always in visible.
Ifyou wish to be happy you must learn
to be just deaf enough not to hear some
things, and just blind enough not to see
others.
A Patent has been granted in Washing
ton for "hen's nest" The only wonder
| is that somebody has not got patent on
| the hen.
| A fond mother, in eXcusing her daught-
er for marrying a negro, said: Poor
! dear thing, she has been color blind for
nearly year"
II hev often noticed" says Josh Bill
! lings, ''that the man who would have done
such wonderful things if he had BIN thare,
never gifts thare.
An old lady down in Maine says her
daughter has jsut bought elegant ''cabin
organ" and she thinks the ''nux yomica"
stop is just lovely.
When the types are made to say that
an honest man is the nobbiest work of
God, it is time to throw glass bombs into
the composing
a correspondent asks if there is 'any-
thing that will etfectually remove the odor
of fried onions" Yes, judicius mixture
OF plug tobacco and time.
bill posted in Lumpkin county, Ga.
offers for sale "a one eyed mule with three
white feet, and to the best Of my recollec-
ton two Of them on one side.
A Virginia girl recently dislocated hel
her jaw, trying to catch on her lips big
kiss which her bashful lover intended fol
her check. Love is dangerous play.
This is an age when children hang NJ
their stockings by the mantelpiece an(
wonder how in creation Santa Claus cal
get through those little holes in the re g
ister
First Railroad Man.-''How many chill
dren have you now?" Second r. M
Thirteen" First II. M.-"Goodness
think it is about time you put on the hei
brakes"
Afflicted butcher: Is there any way t
stop a mans snoring: There is. Swal
him across the face with towel. That
stop his snoring, if it does not set him t.
swearing.
German Professor.-''W couple c
bonnie little children, dear Baroness
Twins, / suppose?" Baroness.-''Y o
u have guessed rightly" Professor.-"A
they both your's?"
The wife of an Iowa man isn't half S
pretty as she was before he carelessly le
: two pounds of powder op the kitchen t;
ble He tries to soothe her by saying tn;
, powder is only skin deep.
At Keene, N H., Thanksgiving day,
/; boy of five and his grandfather of sever
e ty two had smoke together. A boy of fiy
= ought to be ashamed Of HIMSELF settin
his grandfather so pernicious an exampl
a When man dies suddenly ''withol
the aid Of physician" the coroner mn
be called in. If man dies regularl
| after being treated by a doctor, ever.
body knows why he died, and the corr
ner's inquest is not necessary.
''Polly," said a lady to her servant,
! wish that you would step over and 81
| how old Mrs. Jones is this morning.
| a few minutes Polly returned with the il
| formation that Mrs Jones was sevent
| two years, four months and twenty-eigl
! days old.
ssNo, marm.' said the dealer. II won
| like to give you a smaller pair, but to 81
/ you anything below eights would rend
! me liable under the statute for the preye
i ton Of cruelty to animals" He did,
/ sell her anything under eights or over
H Some women are so touchy about the 81
i of their feet.
4 A gentleman said to one of his c
i friends that for some years his wife b
persisted in saying that she was Oh
/ twenty years old. ''Mine is more reast
i able" replied his friend. 81 have 81
II ceeded in making her enter the Thrift