The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1884-09-10

FOI twenty years nave Deen eli
gagged during the summer months in
alternately carrying large lunch
basket and light heart to some syl-
van picnic retreat and again return
ing with pain in my heart and a
large mosquito bite between my
shoulder blades where / could not
reach it without a step ladder or the
corner of a house. In the light of
this experience it may not seem
presumptuous on my part to speak
a few words that may be useful to
those who monkey with the picnic
when it moveth itself Alright.
In arranging a picnic party, select
some one whom you do not want 4
partly to be courteous to the victim
and partly to give yourself unalloyedl
pleasure through the day. If you
cannot readily secure a disagreeable
person among your acquaintance
invite friend who is the parent OF
a hoodlum son. He can give out
sunshine everywhere he goes and be
the life of the party.
Be sure to get some one to be the
life of the party. A budding humor-
ist will do pretty we'll. Do not get
an old hardened humorist. He will
probably go to enjoy himself and
will therefore refrain from being the
life of the party, but some young
man who is full of the jingle and fizz
of youthful existence can generally
be induced to go along and OCCASION
ally climb up and look over his col
lar and say funny things and recline
on the custard pie whenever the
conversation lags.
Never bite into an olive and throw
it away with the remark that you
want another of them picked plums;
the one you had was rotten. That
will impress upon the party that you
are plebian plug and the smart
ness and glitter of long life will
never efface it from the memory of
those present.
Do not call attention to the thou
sand legged worm when you pull it
out of the cold tongue. 1t does not
add to the keen relish with which
the rest of the party is wrapping it
self around the tongue.
In separating chunk of angel
food from the corpse of large ma
room spider, do it as transformations
ly as possible, to avoid unnecessary
display, putting the remains in the
coffee cup Of "the life of the party"
and eating the angel food if you re-
ally feel as though you couldn't get
along without it. Do not take the
spider by the hind leg and wave it
over the table, or throw it in the pre-
serves with a joyous laugh. Death
should not be lightly alluded to,
even at q picnic. 1t is a solemn
thing to die, and he who can swing
the cold, still form of the dead
through the hurtling air by the hind
leg, to win the laughter of the giddy
throng, must be lost to all the finer
feelings of our lost and undone race.
Perhaps it would be as well to take
up collection here before | go any
further)
Should there be baby along with
the party asleep Oh a pillow under
tree, with mosquito net over it,
do not go and sit on it if the mother
should be stranger to you. Always
secure an introduction to that lady
before you sit on her child. The rea-
son for this rule of etiquette is OBJ
vious. The mother will naturally
wish to open a conversation with
you in return for the delicate atten-
ton paid to the child by you, and
how can she consistently do so ifI
you are unacquainted.
Do not sit on the soft-boiled eggs
at picnic. There are two reasons
for this rule. First, it will naturally
keep you away from the rest of the
party and secondly, it is entirely
useless. After eggs have been boiled
it is simply Il waste of time to sit on
them. 1t only wearies yon and vex-
es you, and certainly does the eggs
no good.
If you must sit on something try |
an ant hill. 1t doesn't confuse a
large red ant to sit on him. If a
large red ant can saunter up your
limb, it is an oasis in his long, labo-
rious life.
Always take your revolver with
you when you attend a picnic. If it
is pleasant day perhaps you may
kill little Airl When you go away
camping or picnicing, you are likely
to see dozen fat child-en along the
road if you don't carry your revol-
yer. This is very annoying. Always
go armed, and then if you don't get
shot at little girl your revolver
may be discharged accidentally and
kill the young man who won't help
build the fire or pitch the tent, but
who eats most of the lunch and then
has to.be rolled on barrel in order
to win him back from glorious i'm
mortality Bill Nue !