News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-05-01
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER.
How to Make Home HRppy-The Minister'S
Sacrifice-Fair Oher-A SHgRestiOn-Pet
Names for the Baby, Etc, Etc.
PET NAMES FOR THE BABY.

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"What's that ?" cried Mrs. s., startled
by his changed tones, ''what's tina
you're calling the baby?"
"Nothing, dear, only Macbeth.
.'That's a horrid name. What do yoI
want to call the little angel that for ?"
"On strictly classic principles, dear
1 call him Macbeth because Shakespeare
says, Macbeth doth murder sleep. -
Merchant Traveller.
A SIGNIFICANT SUGGESTION.
'I see," said Mrs. Youngwife, as she
folded the newspaper and took up hel
sewing, "I see that the Mormons have
their wives sealed unto them"
"Yes," replied her husband, looking
up fr om his book, "that is the custom,
believe, my love"
81 don't see why Somerville wives
should not be sealed unto their nus
bands,' pursued the lady, as she threaded
her needle.
"In what way, dear?"
"Wtth a sealskin sacque, as it were,
and the lady chewed her thread medita
lively, while the husband muttered
'sselah p and pretended to be gazing at
the ceiling. .-SonoerUilLe Journal.
FAIR OFFER.
A few days ago farmer drove up tc
the door of Springwells saloon and
called out to several men standing around
that a neighbor of his living about foul
miles away had fallen into the family
we'll and probably killed himself.
"Well, what of t?" asked one of the
men.
"Why, 1 want two or three of you to
ride out with me and help get the body
out"
"For how much?"
"You don't pretend to want pay for
such an action as that p gasped the
farmer, but they said they did, and he
entered the saloon to see if the owner was
not more tender hearted.
ST tells you how it vhas--" began
the saloonist, but he was interrupted
with
''Don't tell me that you won't lend a
handin such a case as this p
81 can't go, my frendt, but I tells you
how it vhas. I let you drink beer until
you doan' care two cents for all the farm
ers und all der wells in America, und den
I hire roy for two shillings TO drive
you home. Dot vhas der pest can do
to-day ."-DetroH Free Press.
SHOW TO MAKE HOME HAPPY.
He was a book agent. He rang a
door bell, and woman who was sweep
ing opened the door so suddenly chat he
fell off the step and nearly lost his best
equilibrium. But he was book agent,
and he recovered his momentum and
said fiuently:
"I am agent for the most celebrated
book ever offered to the public since
Uncle Toms Cabin was written, and
filed with hints of things that cannot be
found outside the covers of any other
book, and with recipes for cooking and
family prayers, and how to keep moths
out of furs, and some fine poems by
well known and popular writers, and you
can give me your order to-day and
needn't pay for it till next June, or on
the installment plan, which is cheaper
than going without, and the name of it
is Three Million Hints, or Inquire
Within How to Make Home Happy.
ooh, yes,' said the woman, smiling
sweetly. How to Make Home
Happy L have one already" and she
looked at the broom in her hand with
dreamy eyes.
He fell off the doorstep again, and
this time he didn't recover till there was
a block between them.-DetroI Free
Press.
OUR MINISTER'S SACRIFICE.
Minister Sargent has completely won
Bismarcks heart. At the great Berlin
banquet the famous Chancellor watched
the American diplomat closely. At a
critical moment in the meal Bismarck
called waiter to him and spoke a few
words in low tone. The waiter i'm
mediately left the banquet hall, but in a
moment returned and placed directly
before Sargent's plate piece of Linn
burger cheese that nearly pulled the
table-cloth off. Sargent turned deadly
pale. But nerving himself he grasped
the cheese, and, holding. his breath, ate
every morsel of it with great rapidity.
Bismarck eyed him earnestly, and as the
last particle disappeared could contain
himself no longer.
"Mein Gott He haf schwallowed il
all Zargent,-you handt ! No longer
call me Brinz. Call me Auhgoost; Ich
bin nine bruder!'
Sargent has been in bed ever since
but he says he knew the fate of the
two great nations hung upon the deed,
and he did it.-Pittsbarg Chronicle
Telegraph.
DIDN'T KNOW 1T WE'LL ENOUGH.
"Walter," said his fond wife, "wil
YOU not learn to play poker for my
sake?"
'Learn to play poker r' he exclaimed
in astonishment.
"Why-ahem-why, the truth is I d.
know something about the game. I
have played it,
eyes, dear, but you don't know
enough. 1 thought if you would only
learn how to play it you might not los'
so much money, you know. - Pats6urs
Chronicle.
A SAFE BET.
"TI bet good cigar that's married
couple" remarked a swell standing a
the window of fashionable club house
and watching lady and gentleman who
were crossing the street during heavy
shower.
81 can't imagine your reason for say
ing so," returned his companion.
cts plain enough. Don't you SCI
that the center of the umbrella is owe
his head, and not over hers.
HE DIDN'T KNOW, Y'KNow.
"Aw, Miss De Smythe, said Lord Fitz
sponge to New York young woman