Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-04-30
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

A YOUNG lady who attempts to capture
more than seven beaux always tiles 10
fascinate There now!-Lafe.
You never know where all the seal
skin sacques go to, unless you attena
the matinee.-Cdrl Pretzeps Weekly.
NOBLE sentiment of Washington de-
partment clerk: 'sLet me but draw the
nations salary and care not who does
its work.
IT is now fashionable to eat pie with
fork. This is because the crust OF the
pastry is often SO tough that it turns the
edge of the knife ard spoils it.
JAY GoU1D's income is computed to
be at the rate of 50 a minute. When a
man asks him for minute 1t means
something. Yonkers Statesman.
LIZ YOU want suit of good-ftting
clothes. 60 out to the store that adver-
tises ssEnglish clothing speciality, and
then go somewhere else. -NOTTdsto1On
Herald.
"YoU are the greatest woman 1 ever
heard Of said the boy to his mother;
stYou tell me I have bad temper, and
yet blame me for losing it. "-NeW Or
leans Item.
DURING this treaeherous season OF the
wear the true secret of health is to keep
the mouth shut. The same rule applies
to presidential candidates. -NeW YORK
Commercial AdUert6s ser.
CHARLES PEARsAL1, of New York, ate
$50 eggs in five days. He won wager
of So, but we should think he would be
ashamed TO look hen In the face for
a srY31
ssH1s face has not the marks of a Grim
inal," remarked a sympathetic clergy
man of prisoner. NO. replied the
prosecutor, s'his face has not, but just
look at his victims. Scissors.
Stock gambling is much older than
some people suppose. They forget that
Moses owed his whole success in life to
being caught in one of the bull PUSHES
on the Nile.-Boston Transcript.
WHEN Artemus Ward stopped at the
Salt Lake House it was temperance ho-
tel. He says there was nothing sold
there stronger than butter, but that was
real strengthy.-OI City Derrick.
"No, haven't been to the bird show, !"
said man who was very deeply in debt;
ssthere are too many bills there to suit
me, and just now I'm trying to find a
way to feather my own nest. Golden
Days.
Mrs. UPsHUR, wife of Col. Upshur, re-
Gently. in India, was standing on rock
while tiger was raging around. The
lady killed the tiger at first shot. The
tiger probably did not know that the
lady had been married.
HAND PAINTED bonnets are coming in
to vogue. We hope soon to see land
scapes painted on Gainsborough hats.
We should then have something to look
at, even if the hat itself did hide the
stage. C9ty Derrick
ssWE1n.'' said local Solomon, in re-
ply to question regarding the status of
certain politician, che is thief, Jail
bird, wife-beater and the keeper of a
bar-room. Otherwise he is as good a
man as I care to meet. PUCK.
"DoN'T you believe there areypeople
who enjoy grand operas?" sob, yes. y
sThey are highly cultivated, are they
not?' s.No, not necessarily" "What
kind of people are they?" ssDeaf people,
young man. "-ArkonSas Traveller.
MASONIC perils: ''No," said Pitkins,
st don't think shall ever try to join
the Masons; it's too dangerous" ssDan-
gerous! How?" ''Oh, you see, we hear
about SO many murders in the first, Sec
ond and third degrees that / don't dare
to try Narration Independent.
A THREE-YEAR-oLD morsel of this vii
lage, stationed at window during family
prayers one snowy day, knocked the in
SEPARATION out of the supplicant for heav-
enly grace, and richly earned a hug and
kiss by exclaiming: "Oh, mother, moth
er, it's raining popcorn. Boston Post.
CHARLES FRANCIS ADAMS finds that
the college boys are.willing to give up
the study of Greek and Latin. They
have long commended that such useless
branches of learning have interfered
with their training for rowing and other
athletic duties of ife.-NeW Orleans
PicGyatne.
A PIANO tuner was recently requested
to call at--Wabash Avenue. "Phat is
it?'' asked the Irish cook. 'tI'm the
tuner" ssBe iabers, come in" said
Bridget. ssFaith, I've been trying all
the blessed day to get the bedstead il
tune, an it won't chord at all, at all. y
Carl PretzeIs Weekly.
On, no. you don't s'laugh and grow
fat" That idea is all wrong. The sen
tence shenld be reversed. You grow
fat and laugh. When you fat up yor
have something to laugh for. AND
other people have something to laugh
at. Especially when you try to button
your shoes in railway car.-Burlang
ton RaaOkeye.
A YOUNG woman at Grinnell, t., wht
was followed home by an obnoxiou
youth, who persisted in forcing his at
tentions upon her, finally caused him tt
beat hasty retreat by hitting him OF
the head with quart bottle of paten
medicine which she carried. And ye
the regular physician tells us that thert
is no virtue in patent medicine.
'sNEIN, Herr Silberman, I don't buy
dot ring off you for No hundert dollar
I'M I dom do no piziness NIT you votev
er. don't it?'' "Vy, I didn't buy do
ring off Siberian, eh? Veil, SLIDER
man vas goin' to marry my wife vunce