davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
A Point lie Had Overlooked. l.

81 remember" said Mr.. Zerbe, the
well known patent attorney, speaking
Of eccentric inventors, "a man who
came here from Wisconsin with an
automatic mattress and cover adjuster.
He was extremely confident of sue
cess, and had held letters patent on
the arrangement for six months. His
model was u perfect little beauty and
worked like charm. He sat it on
the table, and used Il corn bob in lieu
Of the human occupant. you see,
said he, smiling, when person wish
es to retire he just piles into bed, a
portion of the matrass sinks, the sides
and suitable foot rest close over him,
and there he is, snug as a bug in a
rug, without the worry and trouble of
fixing the kivers.' AS | before re-
marked, it worked like a charm. The
corncob would roll into its little bed
and fix the 'kivers' as intelligently
as though endowed with life. | ex-
pressed my satisfaction with the per.
formance, and then qucried as to the
result should two persons design, rs is
often the case, to occupy the same
bed. The man from the Badger State
dropped his cob, stood moment in
deep thought, and then, as he brought
his right hand down on his thigh, he
blurted out: On me if | ever
thought of that before He left with
his model" said Mr.. Zerbe, laughing
heartily, "but | still retain that cob
as relic of eccentric genius. Gin
cinnati Enquirer.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

me feel all over in spots. As soon as
he sat down on the stool | knew by
the way he handled himself that he
understood the machine he was run
ming, He tapped the keys away up
one end, just as if they were guages,
and wanted to see if he had water
enough. Then he looked up as if he
wanted to know how much steam he
was carrying, and the next moment
he pulled open the throttle and sailed
out on the main line, just as if he was
half an hour late. You could hear
her thunder over culverts and bridges,
and getting faster and faster, until the
fellow rocked about in his seat like
cradle. Somehow | thought it was
old '36 pulling a passenger train and
getting out Of the way of Special
The fellow worked the keys on the
middle division like lightning, and
then he flew along the north end Of
the line until the drivers went around
like n buzz saw, and | got excited.
About the time was fixing to tell
him to cut her off a little, he kicked
the dampers under the machine wide
open, pulled the throttle away back
in the tender, and, Jerusalem, jump
ers how he did run. | couldn't
stand it any longer, and yelled to him
that she was pounding on the left
side, and if he wasn't careful he'd
drop his ash pan. But he didn't hear.
No one heard me. Everything was
flying and whizzing. Telegraph poles
on the side of the track looked like n
row of cOrn-stalks, the trees appeared
to be mud bank, and all the time
the exhaust of the old machine sound
ed like the hum of humble bee. /
tried to yell out, but my tongue
wouldn't move. He went around
curves like bullet, slipped an eccen-
trio, blew out his soft plug, went down
grades fifty feet to the mile and
not confounded brake set. She
went by the meeting-point at a mile
and a half n minute, and calling for
more steam. My hair stood up like
cats tail, because | knew the game
was up. Sure enough, dead ahead of
us was the headlight of the Special
In daze / heard the crash as they
struck, and | saw cars shivered into
atoms, people mashed and mangled
and bleeding and gasping for water.
/ heard another crash as the French
professor struck the deep keys away
down on the lower end of the south
crn division, and then | came to my
senses. There he was at dead stand
still with the door of the fire-box Of
the machine open, wiping the perspir-
alton off his face and bowing at the
people before him. If live to be a
thousand years old I'll never forget
the ride that Frenchman give me on
a piano. New Orleans Times-Demo-
crat.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
KNEW What TO Order.

i've given that boy the wrong
medicine" exclaimed n druggist, seiz-
ing his hat and rushing from the
store. The boy had reached home
by the time the druggist overlook
him.
"Say," exclaimed the druggist, as
an old negro approached" "'1've given
your boy the wrong medicine"
"What did you gin him ?"
81 gave him morphine. You sent
for quinine."
Oats all right. De udder day |
sent for morphine, an yer sent me
quinine, an dis time when wanted
morphine, ter keep down any mis-
takes, sent for quinine, KNOWN dat
yer wouldn't send what de boy axed
for. Go on back home an sell some
rat pizen." Ark. Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

AS the widow is gifted with smile
and a comparatively light complex
ion, and as an unmarried colored pre-
late is making earnest efforts to con-
sole her, the probabilities are in favor
of the "orphums" being supplied
with a full set of parents at an early
day.-Texas Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
The Engineer at a Concert.

81 was loafing around the streets
last night said Jim Nelson, one of
the oldest locomotive engineers run
ming into New Orleans, "and as l had
nothing to do ] dropped into a con-
cert and heard a slick-looking French
man play a piano in way that made
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

The young man who pays $50 for
suit of clothes is always ready to
borrow money from another man who
pays $40 a suit. There's a moral to
this, boys.-Merchant Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

Which is wholly to our credit ;
"There is man in Michigan so reg
ular in his habits that the town clock
is set by him. He is the town watch
tinker.--Philadelphia Chronicle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

A lady and gentleman accidentally
touched each others feet under the
table. Secret telegraphy," said he.
Communion of soles," said She
Worcester Spy.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

The "Cause of Pimples," is the
title of a pamphlet issued by a medi-
cal man. Another book on American
humor.-Somerville Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

Callow youth (before looking glass,
stroking chin)-"Sis, think | must
get me a razor" Sister-"Do, Bob,
a beard raiser. r."-Philadelphia Call.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

Boston always hangs one peg high
er than the rest of the world. When
q father dies in this modern Athens
the family feed on black beans for a
month or more out of respect for the
deceased. d.-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

"What shall l give my love p asks
poet in ten verse production. If
she reads it, she will probably say !:
"Give me a rest" "-Norristown Her.
aid
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
FOR SALE.

My entire Stock of Hardware, TO close out. Lum-
bermen, Millmen, Builders, Blacksmiths, Farmers
and all wanting Hardware, call and get Prices for
anything you may want i'm my Stock This is no ad-
vertising dodge; mean Business wish to sell my
entire stock out before spring. Cash will buy goods
Cheap.
T. O. BEACH
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
WIT AND HUM0R.

Mrs. Shoddy says she has just
bought a new African for her baby
Elk.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

Butcher: 81 can't accept that
trade dollar, madam it is not q le-
gal tender" Customer: "Oh, you
needn't put on any airs about that
trade dollar. 1t is as near legal ten
der as you beef is."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

The Denver papers talk of nothing
but their artesian wells. A great
bore. -Elizabethtown News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

Two old colored women were bap-
tised in the James river. One sub
mitted quietly, while the other came
up out of the water all excitement,
shouting, 81 saw Gabr'l saw
Gabr1, right in de bottom oh de rib
ber Bress my heart for dat vishun
oh glory" "Hush your mouf, Dill
sey," said the less excitable one
"dat was muffin but a big terrapin. l
done seed that myself" f."-The Judge.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

There was a colored funeral in the
southern suburbs of Austin. The
widow was inconsolable at the ceme-
terry, but when she returned to the
desolated home, and the fatherless
pledges Of affection ran out to meet
her, her grief was like the giving
away of u great dam. "Pore, pore
little orphans" she sobbed, "yc
haven't got no fadder no noah, but
don't cry, hopes ye git step-fadder
befoah ye is much older. De Lawd
tempers the wind to de arly worm."
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

The Bishop of Peterborough doc
tor Magee) is very enthusiastic adj
vocate of temperance, and some little
time ago he succeeded in inducing a
worthy but not very abstemious Hi
bernian laborer to take the pledge.
Shortly after the Bishop met his con-
vert, to his dismay, in condition OF
advanced intoxication. "How is this,
Patp asked the panied Bishop. 81
thought you were teetotaler." $50 |
am, your reverence" answered the
unabashed one, $50 am teetotaler,
but not bigoted one."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
Advertising Rates.

,a-ness Cards one year, dollar for every line.
oaal Notices ten cents per line for each insertion
suA all notice. continued foI three months or longer
q liAcount Of as per cent.
Advertisements unaccompanied by verbal OF wrh''n
tr,ctions will be published three months
,dvertisem"nts under contract, ordered Out To-
. expiration Of time, will be charged full rates.
So paper discontinued until all arrcarages are rpd
.1c,pt at the option Of the publisher.
rTaus,eut advertisements must be paid In advance
Is-rerms CASH, payable quarterly.
Oaiy Metal Cuts inserted.
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
NEW YORK, 1884.

About sixty million copies Of The sun have gone
out OF our establishment during the past twelve
months.
II you were to paste end to end all the columns of
all The Suns printed and sold last year you would
get a continuous strip Of interesting information,
common sense, wisdom, sound doctrine, and sane
wit long enough 70 reach from Printing House
square to the top Of Mount Copernicus in the moon,
then back 10 Printing House square, and then
ee-qnarters Of the way back TO the moon again.
But The Sun is written for the inhabitants of the
earth this same strip Of itellgence would girdle
the globe twenty-seven or twenty-eight times.
II every buyer Of copy of The Sun during the
past year has spent only one hour over II, and If
his vile his grandfather has spent another hour,
this newspaper in 1888 has afforded the human race
thirteen thousand years of steady reading, night
1t is only by little calculations like these that you
can form any idea Of the circulation of the most
popular OF American newspapers, Of its influence
on the opinions and actions Of American men and
women.
The Sun is, and will continue to be, a newspaper
which tells the truth with out fear Of consequences,
which gets at the facts matter how much the
process costs, which presents the of all the
readable shape, which is working with all its heart
for the cause OF honest government and which
therefore believes that the Republican party must
1ssi. ''"' ''''
II you know The Sun, you like it already, and
yeu will read IL with accustomed diligence and profit
during what is TO be the most interesting year
in it's history. II you do not yet know The Sun, IL
is high time to get into the sunshine.
Terms to Mail subsc cribers.
The several editions Of The Sun are sent by mail,
postpaid, rs follows:
DAILY-J0 cents month, &6 year; with Sunday
edition, 81.
SUNDAY-Eight pages. This edition furnishes
the current news OF the world, special atices of
exceptional interest TO everybody, and literary
views of new books of the highest merit. o. n
year.
wEEKLY-tl a year. Eight pages of the best
matter Of the Daily issues an Agricultural De-
partment Of unequalled value, special market re-
potts, and literary, scientific and domestic intel
ligence mako The Weekly Sun the newspaper for
the farmers household. To clubs of ten with slO,
an extra copy free
Address, 1. w. ENGLAND, Publisher,
The Sun, N. Y. City.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

A shabbily dressed woman called
upon one of our citizens for aid, claim
ing that she was in starving condi-
ton. The citizen looked upon her
plethoric form, estimating the avoir-
dupois of the superAuous fat, and an
swered: "You don't look like a
starving woman" 81 know it," she
whiningly answered, "I'm bloated
with grief." f."-Hartford Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

A magazine writer asks: GLOW
shall we utilize the Indians" This
is difficult question to answer, but
perhaps the best plan would be to
petrify them, and sell them for cigar
store signs. This idea is worthy of
consideration, anyhow.-Norristown
Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09

"How long have you been mar,
ried?" asked the clerk at the hotel
desk, as the elderly bridegroom regis.
tered. 1.-TWO weeks" replied the
happy man. Front y cried the
clerk ; "show the gentleman to parlor
r; fifteen dollars day, SIR" Third
wife, calmly said the guest. "Oh,
excuse me. Front show the gentle
man to 824, back. Take the elevator.
Four dollars a week, sir. ir."-Burling-
ton Hawkeye.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
A restaurant keeper lately receive

A restaurant keeper lately received
a call from a dealer, who offered him
some superb rabbits at very low
price. "If you gave them to me for
nothing" replied the restaurant keep
er, 81 would not take them" "Why
not9" Because, the day when be,
gan to serve real rabbits to my Gus
toners, they would perceive that ]
have been giving them cats for the
last twenty-five years. Paris wit.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
Detroit & Bav City Railroad,

Day and Evening Express daily, Sundays except
ed. Night Express daily, Saturdays excepted
II. b LEDYARD HENRY Q. WENTWORTH,
GenI Manager, Gon1 Pass. & Ticket Agt.,
Detroit Mich. Chicago, Ill.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
We are Here to Stay, and Don't Let
This Fact be Forgotten.

We buy for Cash. and in mmente quantities We discount all invoices
thus able to offer YOU
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
Goods Cheaper than Ever Before Offered in ApeI

Our Sales are Constantly increasing.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-01-09
WM. II. MAIDEN, NJ. ID.

Physician, Surgeon, Gyn@cologist, ETC.,
Late Asst Surgeon u s. Army; Examining Sur
geon for U. s. Pensioners, and all the principal Life
Insurance Co.'s. Residence and office on Second
St., nearly opposite the Union House.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
Big Demonstration.

ATLANTA, Ga, November 2e.-Samuei
J. Randall, w. II. Hensel, chairman Of
the Pennsylvania State, Democratic
committee, B. ]. McGann. and b. X
Jameson, of Pennsylvania, left Atlanta
tonight, after a two days' visit as
the guests of the Atlantis Demo
cratic league. Randall and Hensel
spoke last night at q grand,
State demonstration to 20.000 people.
The party were entertained at dinner
by the Capital City Club, of Atlanta,
where Randall and Hensel spoke. The
demonstration was the grandest ever
seen in Georgia. Fully 5000 visitors
we're in the city. Every town sent a
delegation. There was procession
three miles long. The whole line of
march was brilliantly illuminated. Ran
dali was received by the Governor and
Legislature, which adjourned to meet
him.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.
Increased DisafectiOn Among
the People of Dublin.
THE FRENCH AND CHINESE.
The Tramp En6ed-FOreign
Business Failures.
British and Irish Bits.

DUBLIN, November 20.-Earl Spencer,
Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, has aban-
dened his intention TO prosecute the
United Ireland newspaper for libel.
The English executive department Of
Dublin continues to report the spread
of disatfectiOn among the people of the
city, and a general activity among the
secret societies III recruiting their mem
bers. The Nationalist make open
boast of their great increase. and
Young Ireland societies are multiply
ing rapidly. Numerous public meetings
are being held by the Young Ireland
societies in the provinces, at which con-
siderable display is made of Irish
American friendship and Boer flags.
LONDON, November 29.-Bernard
Coleridge, son of Lord Chief Justice
COleridge, is endeavOring to arrange a
compromise with F. NJ. Adams, bar
rister, to whom jury lately accorded a
verdict for $4,000. Coleridge has
offered to pay all costs of the prOsecu-
ton and 5000 cash to Adams to finally
settle the matter.
Carl Schurz has written a letter to
Prof. Bryce. upon the double-working
chambers of legislation in America.
Schurz says the popular Judgment is
right in regarding the double chamber,
as necessary and part of American poll
teal institutions. Any proposal to
abolish these legislative bodies would
find no consideration in the United
States. The Americans are Justly proud
of their Senate. which does not repre-
sent any privileged class or separate
interests, but Is extremely usesul as s
part OF the American legislative
machinery. The letter from Schurz or
this topic, arose from a reference BY
Professor Bryce, asking him if. he con
sidered it advisable for England to con
tinue the House OF Lords as a legisla
tive body.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30

New York, November 29.-Augusta
Roster, young dressmaker, who came
to this country from Berlin, in 1878, at
the Jefferson market police court, to-
day, accused Horace Roberts Montagu e
Maddox, dashing fellow, q years old
who speaks half dozen languages, with
abandoning her some years ago. Mad
dock obtained commission in the
British army and left his native town
of Surluton, England, for service in
India. Two years ago, he turned up In
this city, having come from Chicago,
and met Miss Roster in az Fourth
Avenue boarding house. He was then
getting occasional employment as
'spotter," on the Fourth Avenue
horse-car. line. The conduct of
the couple gained for them notice
TO quit the boarding house The TWO
then began housekeeping, but Mon
tague soon disappeared. The Roster,
however, occasionally heard OF him
marrying other girls. She finally
traced him to Rochester, where she
found him located as DIR. Maddox"
engaged in the vending of proprietary
medicines. 5s'Dr. Maddox" confessed
to having married young womanlin
] Il
was astounded when his partner in
formed him, in the inner consultation
room engaged with Il patient, that "his
wife from New York wished to see
him. When Augustus clutch on
his throat was released, he arranged
for dinner. She consented to go with
him to Buffalo. They stopped at the
United States Hotel. After dinner, they
had some wine and the doctor" went
out to purchase two tickets for
New York. He did not return, when she
realized that she had been again duped.
Augusta searched her satchel and found
Horace's letters to her had been taken
away and partly-emptied bottle of
strychnine substituted. She also dis
covered that a glass on the table con-
tanned considerable quantity of strych-
nine. Fortunately, she had not drunk
much of it AT this point, a boy
brought her a ticket to New York,
saying: "A gentleman on the
street had told him 10 deliver it.
Augusta returned to this city. The
Judge told the woman that the man was
not within the Jurisdiction of the court.
The woman answered then that she
would return to Rochester and compel
him to marry her, when she would i'm
mediafely discard him.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
Observation-Disclosures E,II.

LONDON, 29.-rhe government redis-
tribution bill differs very much from the
original draft of tie ministers. Il ex-
tends the principle of single member
Ship to egtfzH electoral districts, raises
tie population standard for constituent
cies with TIVE members, and gives a great
increase in the number of members
from London and other populous cen
tres. The radicals consider the altera-
ton satisfactory. Chaplin and Lawther,
conservatives, are forming a group 70
oppose the present arrangement.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
Fiasco No.

P1rrsBURG, November 29.-County
Detective Dougherty, acting under an
order from the Court, prevented the
meeting between Charles Mitchell and
John Gillespie, the latter a resident of
this city, arranged for tonight. The
contest was to have been with four
ounce gloves, and large crowd, repre-
senting every grade of society, was
present The receipts st the door
amounted to 81 200. During the last
of the preliminary set-to, between local
pugilists, the county detectives notified
Mitchell and Gillespie that they could
not come together. Mitchell explained
to the audience. The news was re-
ceived with jeers, curses and demand
for the return of the money taken at the
box Office. Comparative quiet was fin
ally restored by the promise of a set-to
between Mitchell and Billy Madden.
This was withoutintereSt and concluded
the performance.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
The English Mediation.

PARIS, November 29.-Premier Ferry
has abandoned AL hope of successful
issue of the mediation of England be
tween China and France.
The Telegraph says: There will be no
further diplomatic negotiations with
China, nor any further military or naval
operations for the east until the full
force of q, 900 reinfercements have ar
rived on the field of operations. In the
early spring an attack is designed on
Canton by the French land and naval
forces,
7 'FRAHKFoRr, November %. - The
Gazette states that the Chinese embassy
at Berlin is of the opinion that Earl
Granville. British foreign minister, IN
his negotiations as mediator between
France and China, is conducting a mere
platonic discussion.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
The French Heroine.

PARIS, November %. = Public sym
pathy for Madame Hughes, who shot
her traducer day before yesterday, is
intensified by the fact that both Hughes
and his wife deyotedly nursed the suf-
ferers from cholera during the preva-
lance of the epidemic at Marseilles. NJ
Paul de Cassagnac, editor of lie Pays CON
sideTs the lady heroine and urges the
entire press to uphold her. Hughes
says his wife proposed to partake of a
"lover's breakfast" before going to
court. She was in excellent spirits dur
ing the meal. Before leaving her home
she prepared bundle 'of clothes for
use during her stay in prison. She has
asked the prison authorities that she
may be provided with material for
modelling in clay.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-11-30
distinguished Patronage, y

NEW YORK, November Ex-Governor
Cleveland was waited upon in Albany
by a delegation of the Actors Fund
Society to-day, and invited t. attend
the annual performance, for the benefit
of the fund, at the Academy of Music
in this city. next Thursday afternoon.
The Governor replied that he would be
compelled to decline many invitations
of many kinds, but he appreciated, al
ways, the ready generosity of the actors
when other people were in trouble, and
as this was only charity actors had
for themselves, he would accept the in
vitation. President Arthur, Mayor Ed
son, Mayor-elect Grace and other prom
inent gentlemen will be invited.