, 1884-12-21

They tell me there are natures stern enough
to be able to crush love out oftheir lives. Ali
not such love as minel Time, they say, can
heal every wound. Not such a wound as
minei Ny whole existence underwent a
change when Philippa sho we'd me the we'd
ding-ring on her finger. No wonde 1t did.
Hope was eliminated from it. From that
moment / was a changed man.
Life was 40 longer worth living. The
spur of ambition was blunted the desire for
lame gone; the interest which / had hith-
erto felt in my profession vanished. All the
spring, the elasticity, seemed taken out OF
my being. For months and months l did
my work in a perfunctory manner. It gave
me no satisfaction that my practice grew
larger. worked, but l cared nothing for
my work Success gave me no pleasure. An
increase to the number Of my patients was
positively unwelcome to me So long as |
made money enough TO supply my daily
needs. what did IL mRtterf OF what use
was wealth to met Il could not buy me the
one thing for which l craved. OF what use
was lief No wonder that such friends as l
had once possessed all but forsook me. Ny
mood at that time was none OF the sweetest
l wanted no friends. l was alone in the
world; 1 should be always alone.
So things went on for more than a year. l
grew worse instead of better. My gloom
0AOfoAVA ~ ~ - kAOW AOl-
hrmed; my life became more and more
aimless.
These are not lovers rhapsodies. | would
spare you them II l could but It is necessary
that you should know the exact state OF my
mind in order to understand my subsequent
conduct. Even now it seems to me that |
am writing this description with my hearts
blood.
Not a word came from Philippa. made
no inquiries about her, took no steps TO trace
her. | dared not. Not for one moment did |
forget her. aud through all those weary
months tried to think OF her as happy and to
be envisd; yet, in spite OF myself, l shud-
dered as l pictured her lot as it might
really be.
But all the while l knew that tho day
would come when / should learn whether l
was to be thankful that my prayer had been
answered, or to be prepared to keep my
vow.
In my misanthropical state OF mind
heard without the slightest feeling OF Joy or
elation that a distant relative of mine, a
man from whom l expected nothing, had
died and left me the bulk OF his large prop
orty. feared nothing for this unexpected
wealth, except for the fact that it enabled
me to free myself from n round of toll in
which by now l took not the slightest inter
est. Had II but come two or three years
before. Alasl all the things in this life come
too late.
Now that l WINS no longer forced to min
gle with men in order TO gain the means Of
living. l absolutely summed my kind. The
wish of my youth, to travel in far countries,
no longer existed with me. l disposed of
my practice-or rather l simply handed it
| over to the first conner. left the town Of
my adoption and bought a small house-it
was little more than a cottage-some five
miles away from the tiny town Of Roding.
Here j was utterly unknown, and could live
exactly as l chose; and for months it was
my choice to live almost like a hermit.
My needs were ministered to by a man
who had been for some years in my en-
| ployment. He was a handy, faithful fell
low; honest as the day. stolid as the Sphinx;
and, for some reason or other, so much at
tached TO me that he was willing to perform
on my behRlf the duties of housekeeping
which are usually relegated to female ser.
wants.
Looking back upon that time of ssclusion,
as a medical man, l wonder what would
/ eventually have been my fate IL events had
not occurred which once more forced me
into the world OF mem l firmly believe that
brooding in solitude over my grief would at
last have affected my brain; that sooner or
later l must have developed symptoms OF
melancholia- Professionally speaking, the
probabilities arc l should have committed
suicide.
Even in the depth of my degradation l
must nave known the dangers Of the path
which I was t~reading; for, after having
passed. six dreary months in my lonely cot.
tage, l was trying 10 brace myself to seek a
change OF scene. / shrank from leaving
my quiet abode; but every day formed
nfresh the resolve to do so.
Yet the days, each the same as its fore
runner, went by, and l was still there.
had books, Of course. | read for days to-
gether; then | would throw the volumes
aside, and, with u bitter smile, ask myself
TO what end was ! directing my studies.
The accumuln tion of knowledgef Tush
would give all the learning | had acquired,
all that IA lifetime Of research could acquire
10 hold Philippa for one brief moment tC
my heart, and hear her say shs loved me
II in thu whirl OF men, in the midst of hard
work. / found il impossible to conquer my
hopeless passion, how could ! expect to dc
so living as | at present lived
Therel my egotistical descriptions are al
most over. Now you know why / said thai
you must sit by the FIRE and think with me
must enter, US it were, into my inner ssA