The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-05-11
DEATH.
A Suburban Treatise by Essay
Caigh.
Read This and the Result is
Inevitable.
A poet once wrote:

ui5 ilI6 l5 OQt Meeting snOWi
For mons illusion given.
II the subscription Is not required
in advance, will subscribe TO that
sentiment, and pay at the end Of
the year.
Life is a show, and 1t costs s good
deal 10 get into the show, the singu.
lar part Of 1t being that those who
get in are not the ones who put up
the price of admission. 1t being a
fact that other people pay for our
entrance into a reserved seat. it
naturally follows that we come in as
we go out deadheads.
Our pilgrimage through this vale
of tears is noted for its dangers. its
disasters and it's defeats. 1t will be
my purpose, ia these few ram bling
words, TO depict some of them.
Scientists. men Of letters, philoso-
nhers, students, STA esmen and news.
paper reporters agree that life's span
is curtailed by unnatural practices,
in propation to the nature Of the
practice and the hang-on qualities
of the practitioner. We are never
entirely safe, because our civiliza.
tiOn has not yet reached the point
at which humanity can Individually
determine for itself what it ought
or ought not to do. A person mean>
ders dreamily through fields of
pleasure, or gropes YEARLY through
wales of dependency, not knowing
that in either instance be is gradus
ally Il CHG off fragments OF his ex
istt NE. The following points will
convey my idea better than l can do
it:
Hon. J. G. McDoodle announces
that out OF every thousand pecple,
ten die yearly through impure water.
This is doubtless true; l was con-
WINGED of it years ago, and wsntir G
to live as long as possible. quit drink
ing water.
Rev. John X. DeNovo has ascer-
tanned that there is death in the
dish rag. He announces that when
the fatal but active cloth has been
used once. it ought to be cremated,
because If used more than once 1t
accumulates species Of the ami,
malcula viscera mandamus aorta,
which reproduces its species with
such rapidity that families of the
genus get mixed up and the census
taker resigns. When a dishcloth
is used once and not put into
active use for day q, Or
so thereafter which is
generally the case if the hired girl
understands her business-it (the
cloth, not the girl) is as full of death
as an apothecary s sample case.
d. E. se.ver, Phi. D., A. S. s,
after a somewhat proiracted inves.
tigation, has ascertained that the
means Of early death abide in flowers.
To sleep Withbouquets or pots of the
floral species in ones bedroom is
simply suicide in the first degree.
This no doubt is true; a lady
friend recently presente d me with a
beautiful specimen of the jacques
minot subpoena multicaulus; l put
it in my button hoe and got 8
violent cold Immediately.
The frying pan is an implement
that should be consigned 10 the
shades of the doomed, because the
food p epared in it is indigestible,
causing dyspepsia, nightmare, and
curtafling the human family fore and
aft. And yet a trout never seems
as much at home as when it's It's
sues are doubling up and its bones
being reduced to carbon in that con-
demned implement. There can be
no dissenting opinion to this con-
clusion, for the trout themselves
never express opinions. But the
beauty OF the thing doesn't figure
when life is quivering in the ball
ance, so the frying pan must go and
stay gone.
Ben. E. Dick, an eminent surgeon,
announces that kissing Is uns
healthy. This may be news to the
maj ority of the doomed, but l knew
it before. My wife caught me at it.
Iced tea is assigned position as
one of the most trusted, confidential
and active agents of the destroyer.
Tea that is not iced ia presented to
the public as no SLOUGH in the mat
ter of reducing the population.
There Is but little d2ubt Of this. l
have known q company Of ancient
damsels, under the influence of that
beverage, to knock the substance
out of so many regulations that the
legs of the table became weak and
unreliable. The article provided in
Salt Lske restaurants does not come
under the prescription, however; 1t
is too lamb-like and mild in it's
nature to make burrows in the
sp ,cies.
The use Of tobacco is more de-
structive than a brigade of Sulli-
Vans. Men who smoke and chew
cannot hope to see their grandchll-
drer. There is q man in Salt Lake
who has smoked continuously
since he was Is years old. and
he is at il yet. He is now 101
years old, and if ne don't stop
his dissipation he is going to be gar
nered by the dark-eyed reaper be-
fore his time.
There can be but one opinion
Il ont IF fanfo