The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-06-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

"Shure an ii Oh didn't, dyer s'pose
Old be after buyin shoes?"
A Western Congressman says "Ev-
ery man who comes to Congress has
two ideas But, after such exaggera-
ton as this, nobody cares to know
what this Western Congressman has to
say.
1t is very funny, but as general
rule the waiter in a swell restaurant is
about the only person about the prem
ises who doesn't wait for anything.
The man who orders the chop does
most of the waiting.
A New Yorker has incurred the dis
pleasure of all the undertakers in that
city, and they talk of boycotting him.
He has invented little spring to at
tach to gas Jets so that when the light
is blown out the gas will be turned OIL.
-Nortstown Herald.
Colonel George L. Perkins, of Nor
~ich, Conn, who is 96 years old, said
IN a recent interview: 81 have buried
six family physicians and still live"
The Colonel could make fortune by
certifying to the particular brand OF
patent medicine he used.
A western zephyr carried a COW q
quarter of mile through the air, and
set her down in a milkman's yard. He
was so scared that he stopped grinding
chalk, and ran four miles for rifle to
shoot the curious looking creature
with. darlington Free Press.
Don't SANDER your next-door neigh
Dor. He may be in impoverished cir
cumstances, and have few if any
friends. Don't speak i'll of any man
until you are positive as to the exact
amount he can lift and the nature of
the person when aroused.
80 no, you don't laugh and grow
fat" That idea is all wrong. The
sentence should be reversed. You grow
fat and laugh. When you fat up you
have something to laugh. And other
people have something to laugh at.
Especially when you try to button
your shoes in railway car.
A New York man advertiscs "a safe,
quick, and reliable cora remover, with
out the application of knife or caustics;
no pain experienced. Price only 81.
A young man who never walks out
without wishing he could leave his feet
at home forwarded 81, and two days
afterward received by express a live
crow.
Chicago has Coaching Club. We
always thought the great need of Chi
cago was something of that kind. We
don't know how contagious Coaching
Club is, but as it has taken Chicago six
wears to catch it from New York, st.
Louis will probably break out with it
about the time the Hennepin Ship
Canal is completed.
During the sermon, one of the quar-
tet fell asleep. "Now's your chants"
said the organist to the soprano. "See
if you canticle the tenor you
wouldn't dare duet" said the contral-
10. You'll wake hymn up" suggest
ed the bass IL could make a better
pun than that, as sure as my names
Psalm remarked the boy that pumped
the organ; but he said it solo that no
one quartet.
Dumley was making an evening call,
and the nice little boy of the family had
been allowed to remain up little
later than usual. "Ma," he said,
during lull in the conversation, "can
whisky talk?" Certainly not" said
ma; what put that absurd notion into
your head?" "Well," he replied, IL
heard you say to pa that whisky was
telling on Mr.. Dumley, and l wanted
to know what it said. !"
We want Cinnamon, but we wan
them long way off. The fiat ha!
gone forth that no Celestial shall eve
gaze on the woody gulches Of TIT
Cpur d'Alene and live. If he insist
on coming, however, let him bring
roast pig, plenty of fre-crackers ant
colored paper, and all the essential
for trst-class Chinese funeral. H
needn't bother about bringing tn
corpse, though; it will be in READINGS,
-Ceur dAlene Nugget.
Two dudes talk: saw, Cholly, SC
theah is going to be some change
twousahs this spwing." Some wha
GusP" "Some change, don't "
know" Nav, you don't sayp We
I'm dahn glad of it, foh ba Jawv
theah's been so little in mine #
thwee months, that WEAKLY wouldr
Know a twade dollah from a silvah |
oividual buttah plate, don't you know
The officer who opens the court
called the ''crier." On one occasit
,he sad officer had lost his wife, wi
hao led him an uncomfortable life, al
VIZ was, OF course, absent from his DO:
rsnei n 'ne court came in the Judge,
usual said; Mr.. Crier, open 4
court" A young and facetious lawv
addressed the Court as follows: mi
1t please your Honor, Mr.. b en-
not cry to-day; he has lost his wife
AZ Boston seance disconsol,
widower succeeded in establish
communication with his wife, who \
passed into the spirit land from
Hub, Of whose aesthetic circles She /
been member. The man inquire,
she was happy, and if she liked
new surroundings, to which she
piled: "Well, dear, it is very char
ing and lovely and all that, but
course you know, dear, it isn't Bosto
Mrs. B. was speaking of Mrs
- .. .