Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-04-09

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chimp" THAT scar? Oh, that is reno
of barberism."
BARNES. the Mountain Evangelist,
claims to have converted 81 900 people IN
the past seven years.
s'DoEs yer kape nothin' but dry goods
here?" ''No, ma'am." "Thin where
will I be after goin' for watered silk"
An enterprising reporter, writing of a
wreck at sea, stated that no less than
fourteen of the unfortunate crew and
passengers bit the dust.
A TELEGRAPH messenger boy in Chi
cago has been sent to an insane asylum.
Several times when on an errand he has
been seen to run.
A HoUsEKEEPER asks "What is the
simplest way to keep jelly from molding
on the tOp?" Shut small boy IN the
pantry for few minutes.
PHILADELPHIA confectioner has two
big cards in his window. On one is in
scribed "Girls Wanted" and the othor
''Taffy." He evidently knows how to
capture the girls. Philadelphia Call.
A FASHIONABLE journal says that
''women all over the land are calling for
more pockets. They should have them,
for they have drawn upon the mems
pockets Tor their necessities about long
enough. Herald.
s'Do you suppose eating angel cake
will make an angel of me-" asked a seraph
ic young lady of the worldly young man.
6 I've no doubt it WILL" he answered,
eff you only eat enough of it" Then
she gigg1ed and asked 'Why?"
An old bachelor was recently heard
saying to young lady: 'There is more
jeWelry worn nowadays than when /
was young, but there is one piece often
admired which / don't often see now"
"What was that?" asked Miss. GA
thimble, = was the reply.
THE Maharaiah Runbeer Singh has
started large firm in India for the sale
of Cashmere wines and spirits. It is
somewhat singular for Runbeer to run
wines. No credit will be given, we pre-
sumo All transactions will evidently
be for cash-merely.-F't'a.
A DROWNING man will catch at straw;
a thirsty man will do the same thing
A fool can make money; it requires a
wise man to spend English PrOUerb.
But the fool generally manages that
himself. A friend in need is a friend
indeed; and the needier he is the more
friendly he will be- Vanity Fair.
IT used to be handsome is as hand
some does," but the new version is
handsome is as money has" Who
ever heard of wealthy woman who was
not handsome" &c charming" ''love-
~" "too sweet for anything" ct cetera,
and so forth, and so on, ad infnitum, E
pluribus unum ct corrallum ?-OH City
Blizzard.
A FOREIGN correspondent says that
9 Bismarck drinks. beer" These for
eign correspondents do pick up such
startling news over there. An impress
sion prevailed In this country that Bis
marck was a member of the prohibition
party and went around making temper
ance addresses. Next thing we may ex-
pect to hear that he eats sauerkraut and
schweitzer cheese. Her
aid.
DEACON DEwGooD's son returned home
very late the other night from pressing
engagement with his pretty sweetheart.
"Where have you been?" growled the
old man, as the youth came sneaking up
stairs in his stocking feet. "Dear
father" he replied, ''I cannot tell lie;
I've been to q protracted meeting" And
the good old man upbraided himself for
having treated his son so harshly.-
Utica Press.
THE waiter, after having put four
tipsy fellows into cab, says to the cab
man: ''Take the one in the left cor
ner to Rue de Clinchy, the one in the
right to the Rue, Richelieu; the two who
are on the front seat are brothers and
live at the Place Wagram." Ten minutes
afterward the coachman returns: ''I've
come back because my passengers have
fallen over each other, and / can't tell
who's who. Please to sort them out. >
French Fun.
Mrs. D.-Isn't this awful? Mr.. D.
What, dear? Mrs. D.-The paper says
that in Brooklyn Mr. Benjamin &. Hub
bell tried to kill his brother-in-laW,
David Kemlo, by shooting pistol at
him, I can't understand why families
should -. Mr.. Did he succeed?
Mrs. D.-No. Kemlo's life was saved
by button. which turned the bullet
Mr.. D.-His wife evidently keeps his
buttons sewed Oh. If anyone should
shoot at me / would be dead duck
Burlington Free Press.
EUDoRA-'I am shocked, Euphemia,
that you should associate with those
Ssymmyth girls" Euphemia-''T hey
are certainly very nice girls. Eudora
-''But they came of no family" Eu-
phemia-'fAre you sure of that?" Eu-
dora-'tAs sure as can be. None of their
ancestors ever edited a newspaper. Eu-
Dhemia -" Horrorsi" Eudora - ''But
that is not the worst of it." Euphemia
-"Mercy on me, what is coming next?''
Eudora (whispering) - "Tbeir great
grandfather was member of the Forty
eighth Congress.
THE New York Critic invites persons
to send in the names of forty living
American men-of letters whom they con-
slider worthy of membership in an Ameri-
can academy Of "Forty Immortals. +"