Connecticut western news., 1884-09-03
WIT AND WISDOM.

BETTING up drinks results in upeetting drinkers.
 MANY are comfortable only when others arc not.
 WHEN poor printers havon't any bread for their families they give them pi.
 "rLL be blowed if he buys me. D" said the oornet as the man asked the price of the instrument.
 IT IS sad fact that while the Amer ican navy is blind in one eye, it can't see out of the other.
 IT HAs not yet been suggested that Dr. Tanner is the proper kind of man for an Arctic explorer.
 TIE loss of tho Tallapoosa right in the midst of tho excursion season is severe blow to the country.
 MooK.TuErbE defined by victim. Calling husband "My dear r in public and "You brute r' in private.
 ALTHOUGH times are hard the farmers have not yet resortod to the expedient of hoeing their corn with half hose.
 WHEN Vanderbilt wants to raise a lit. tle cash to pay his ice bill he sells horse for Sl0,0O0 We never do that.
 WHAT makes hot weather eyon more unbearable is to see the naughty carriage of the ice man and the soda-water clerk.
 A MAN who bought ten-cent cigar at a summer hotel came back shortly and said he would like ono of the ono scont kind.
 Tm farmer is really the only man who prospes putting down stakes. If we except the butcher, who puts them up.
 AMONG the most blessed of all con- trivances of nature is that which pre- vents a man from being disturbed by his own snoring.
 Ir takes 1000 Japanese coins called ''cash" to make dollar. When a man is rich in Japan he must of necessity have plenty of cash.
 ''YEs, SIR, said Jenkins, "smithers ia man who keeps his word; but then he has to-" "How is that 2" asked Jones. Because no one will take it
 THERE are two reasons why some peo- pie don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any business, and the other is that they haven't any mind.
 A MILWAUKEE girl wouldn't marry a red-headed man, her father objected to dark-haired son-in law, and her mother disliked blonde; 30 she was obliged to compromise on beld.headod man.
 NEW Style Cabman (to military-look' ing chap on the ayenue)-Hansom, Captainp Supposed Military Chap "well, y-es--so they tell me. Cab- man (sotto Uocol-The bloody mug wumpl-Lgo.
 IF you would gain strength, my daughter, open boarding.house. Tho exercise you will get in choppiug tho hash and pounding the becisteak will soon make you as strong s tho butter you set before your hoarders.
 THERE, now r' exclaimed Mrs. Bas- com; "the paper says that Professor Henry Clum, a noted scientist, hHs been instantly killed by tho explosion of retort What a warning to married men not to quarrel with their wivos."
 ''So YOU think John is becoming a great man in the city ?" said farmer, speaking of his absent son Co a compan- ion of the youth. "Great man I should say 30. Why there ain't n bar keeper in the city hardly, that he don't call by his first name"
 "YouR daughter2 It is impossible. Why, you look moro like twin sisters." No, I assure you she is my only daugh- ter, " replied the pleased mother. And the polite old gentleman spoiledit all by remarking: "well, she certainly looks old enough Co be your sister. !"
 "wHAr name docs your husband call you by ?" said bride Co friend who had been married several yoaru, "Docs he call you ducky or lovey7 My dar- ling calls me .ducky." "Doea he7 Mine used 10 call me popsey-wopscy, but he doesn't use that term now" "what does he call you them" "He calls me say, there"
 A NOTABLE instance of Scotch thrift ia recorded of Mir. M'Catarack, who was driving fast horse in trap with a friend. The horse bolted. and the friend exclaimed: "I'd give ten pounds to be out of this. Hold your tongue, man, " replied Mac; "ye1l be out for nothing in less than a minuio" A prediction which proved true.
 DocroR (who has been sent for at 2 m -"Madame, pray send at once for the clergyman, and, fl yon want to make your will, for the lawyer" Madame (horriaed)- d)-"dood gracious l Is it so dangerous, doctor9' Doctor "Not bit of it; but don't want to be the only fool who has been disturbed in his sleep for nothing" ooME. sweet mosquito, pray do not bc sl,y, Draw nearer while thou sing'st thy lullaby. Art thou in loye with me ? Then bc not coy, To hold thee now would mako me wild with
 Joy.
 Thou hollest back. but ceNscst not thy lay Thou art too bashful draw thoe nearer, pray. love thee. yes-swoop, slap all doubt ie past | - .t.. ..-u tt.assrt Y,faahad on mo aI