The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1884-10-24

may uOt De aware OF IL, OuG i am an IN.
ventor of considerable repute, although
this Is my first effort in this direction.
The idea, however of such o mechanical
figure has long possessed me. Ny
father was a Methodist minister, and in
my boyhood we were obliged to change
our residence so often that I grew to
look upon him MS sort of peripatetic
machine. And this gave me the notion
of an autoMaton which would fulfill
most of the requirements of the average
clergyman, The idea grew upon me.
and I gradually enlarged its scope until
you see before you now the perfected
fruit Of my imagining"
Ho paused, with dramatic gesture
toward the figure. The three deacons
were listening with breatllless attention.
Having thus, he continued, "briefiy
touched upon the conception of the
clericomotor. I will now proceed to ex-
plain its merits and its workings. In
the first place, you ore aware that the
popular church of to-day is the success.
full one. And the successful church con
only be erected on q sound financial
basis. Look around you, he suddenly
cried, with grandiose sweep of his
arm, "at the successful churches, where
the pews command gilt-edged premi-
ums, and the tinkling of the silver as it
falls into the contribution box browns
the loudest notes of the pealing organ ?"
Carried away by his eloquence, Dea-
cons Simpson. Simpson, aud Grubb
stared wildly about the room as if the
edifice alluded to were actually within
sight. !,
"What constitutes their prime attrac-i
ton ?" he continued. "Is It the sound
ness Of their theology or the breadth of
their Christianity? No, gentlemen mol.
It is the popular clergyman, with his.
glittering platitudes and his resounding,
rhetoric. But the demand for thes e.
paving cards is so great that the mar
ket price has been raised for beyond.
the reach Of ordinary congregations,
until it lies within the power of only
the wealthiest churches to secure them.
It is here that the clericomoter comes
into play. By means of it I place
within the reach of the humblest con.
gregation an attraction of the stronge, ,t
FORM"
He checked hiS voluble address, and
wiped the persp{fation from his face.
The deacons took advantage of this mo.
mentary gap to gather their scattered
senses.
"Bnt how" queried Deacon Sin lpson,
"do yon supply the brains?"
"And the voice?" added Deacon
Simpson.
"An' the gesturin' ?" concluded. Deacon
Grubb.
Nothing easier, said the inventor.
You are, of course, familiar with the
principles of the phonotyraph. I will
frankly state that have adopted this
idea-in an improved FORM, of course
in constructing the clerico motor" He
approached the automaNon. "Now,
gentlemen" he continued, "If you will
give me your close attention [ will show
you how the figure is operated"
The deacons crowded aro,tnd him in
open-mouthed expectancy He went
on glibly:
"By pressing upon the right hand
button ut the back of the coat, trap
door, you observe, flies open between
the shoulder blades. Into this recepta-
Gle I slide this prepared electrotype
plate. By pressing upon the left hand
button I close the trap-door. Nov, if
you will cast your eyes at the calf ofthe
left leg, You will see small projecting
rod. To this I attach an ordinary
crank-thus."
Suiting the action to the word, ae
placed the handle in position and
turned it vigorously. The result was
marvellous. The figure arose from its
sitting posture in dignified and natur-
al manner, said in q powerful though
we'll modulated voice, "The usual col
lection will now he taken up" Then,
with equal grace and deliberation, tho
automaton resumed its seat.
This performance had surprising
effect upon Deacons Simpson, Stimp-
son and Grubb. So natural was the
speakers tone and gesture that the
committee sprang back in some oonfu-
sion and instinctively buttoned their
coats tightly over their pockets.
Perfectly surprisin', gasped Deacon
Simpson.
"As natural as life," murmured Dea-
con Simpson.
"Jess so," whispered Deacon Grubb.
"Thank you. gentlemen" cried the
smiling inventor. II knew you would
appreciate it. A word or two more.
These rmons"-pointing to pile of
metal plate upon the tablet obtain
from . promipent literary bureau.
They are all now, original and guaran-
teed. You get them at the wholesale
rates. With each clericomotor I also
throw in twenty assorted hymns, an
nouncements and remarks suitable to all
occasions. together with two bottles of
my celebrated electrical lubricator and
a monkey-wrench. Ny schedule rate
is $500; but, as you gentlemen are the
first purchasers, I viii make it $45O
net"
The deacons were almost overcome
by this rapid way Of doing business.
Hold ont" cried Deacon Simpson.
"How about christenings?"
Weddings first," dryly remarked
Deacon Simpson.
"An' pastoral calls?" added Deacon
Grubb.
"All arranged, gentlemen" cried the
genial Rogers. pilates for everything!
jest think Of it-no chickering's over the
parsons Wits; no devastating donation
parties; no soul destroying slippers to
distract your daughters mind; no sal
ary falling due every qnarterl The
clericomotor II never troubled with
clergyman's sore throat, and needs no
varAtions. In short, the only expense
be viii entail upon You viii be for .
smAll boy 70 turn the crank. /"
Dsaeon 6impsonS tace frightened
ap. . That wont cot tmuch, ! reckon, =