West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1884-12-19
STAGE-STRUCK.
Spoorendyke's Cruel Criticism of
His Wife's Histrionio Attempt.

"My dear" said Mrs. Spoopendyke.
contemplating herself in the glass as she
removed her hat and gloves. "My
dear, wasn't the theater Just too sweet
tor anything! Do you know, think |
would like to go on the stagep"
! Like to drive, perhaps" suggested
Mr.. Spoopendyke.
. mean act, replied his wife. 81
think could do il as well as any of
those women tonight. Do YOU know
much about theaters? Is it hard?"
No. grunted Mr.. Spoopendyke,
tugging at his boots at would be
very easy for you. All you have to do
Is stand around and talk, and you won't
want any rehearsals for that"
"But would have to practice twist
ing around so as to fall in that mans
arms iike she did, mused Mrs. Spoop-
endyke " don't think | could do il
as gracefully az she did without irving
several times.n
it9" growled MIR. Spoopendyke. with n
shade of green in his eve. lyon let
me see you fall on any mans shoulders
like that, and you'll find no trouble In
getting twisted around few times
What your idea in going on the stage?
have you got stomach full of devo-
ton to art like the rest of the women of
this generationp Got sort of notion
that you can go on the boards and show
the old stagers how it's done, haven't
yer Feel the fires of histrionic genius
cllmolng up your spine, don't We? Well.
you don't! It's nothing but your meas
ly vanity.
Don't you think would know how
20 act?' she asked, pulling her crimps
over her forehead, assuming a stern ex-
preston OF visage, and stretching her
arms down rigidly at her sides. This
Is the way | would foil the villain"
" Is that what you call itP" inquired
MIR Spoopendyke, nursing his knee and
glowering upon her "It looks more
as if you were bidding against another
| woman for secondhand hair-clotb
sofa at an auction. If that sort of thing
Is calculated to foil the villain, he must
be pretty light in the waist"
. don't know" smiled Mrs. Spoon
endyke. rubbing her chin. "In all the
| plays l have ever seen. they ALWAYS
drive the bad man off with a naughty
| look. Say, dear, isn't this the way to
| welcome husband after long alb
senceI' and she parted her lips. gazed
eagerly into space and extended her
arms.
That's the way TO hail a street.
car! grunted Mr.. Spoopendyke. "If
you want to make the welcome to the
husband perfectly natural, you ought
10 nave the smell of onions in the hall
and your back-hair in your mouth.
| ha L
! get
Z" No you don't, either protested
Mrs. Spoopendykc. Il always run
right up to you and kiss your
"Well there's smell Of onions about
it somewhere" persisted Mr.. Spoopen-
| dyke. "What makes YOU stick your
arms out like andirons?" he demanded.
" You look as if you were trying to keep
off dog"
Anyhow, that's the way they do it,
argued Mrs. Spoopendyke, a trife
abashed. Then, when they get the
letters telling them that their uncle has
! speculated away all their property. they
| do like this, and Mrs. SpOopendyke
threw her hand TO her forehead, stag
! gered back, and caught hold Of n chair.
(which does like that, the uncle or
the property asked Mr. Spoopendyke.
| eyeing the performance with high dis
favor. 1t looks something like the
| property at the tail end OF the spccula-
| ton, but il resembles more accurately
the uncle buying lower berth for Can
ada"
81 meant it for the orphan who had
| been despOiled,' " murmured Mrs. Spoop-
endyke. Strengthening up and looking
| rather downcast 1T was intended for
an attitude Of despair How would Won
do it, this way?" and she sank into the
chair, covered her face with her hands
and sobbed violently.
'If ! wanted to give tho impression OF
a tight boot and corn / should do il Just
that way growled Mr.. SpoOpendyke.
Should ! throw my arms forward
listlessly and let my head fall SOP" she
inquired suiting the gesture to the ques-
| tiOn.
That's more like it, assented Mr..
Spoopendyke with a grin People
who hadn't seen the play before might
think you were counting the pieces for
the washwoman. bat the orchestra
would understand it,
81 don't care, demonstrated Mrs.
Spoopendyke; IL know / could act If /
could get a chance Now see mo scorp
my lover when find out that he loves
me not and has been paying his adj
dresses 90 the hcircss," and She threw
her head back, stretched out ON. arm.
and covered her face with a pale cast of
loathing.
THAT might do" said Mr. Spoopcn-
dyke, slowly. 1T looks tO me like an
attempt TO borrow $3.50 Stick out the
other hand and make it five. don't
know. though he continued ohotb
arms would look like bring me me
ch-ildn / guess you'd better stick TO
the original amount. Youu be more
al { to collect
Perhaps you think I'd do better in
comedy" faltered Mrs. Spoopendyke,