The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1884-08-15
WIT AND HUMOR.


Dio Lewis says the coming woman
will be rs large Mt the waist as any
other part of The body. Chicago girls.
then. are not coming, They can never
hope TO be as large ut the waist rs at
the ground.
.Do you know what the board over
that cows face Is forp" asked the
Colonel. No." responded the Major.
..unless 1t is to keep her bushes from
being seen when the milkman works
the pump handle" saa"
Another Network belle has married
an Italian prince. He is a real one.
He runs six chairs, five bathrooms,
aud the "brushn Is dressed in livery.
There isn'ta nicer shop in any country
town in America.
They were disputing about something
or other. when Mrs. Fogg impatiently
exclaimed: ''Oi. well. have your own
way! You always were an off-horse. I"
Yes, my DEAR" replied Fogg. land
IN on-horse. you know. is always on
the right side"
Four-year-old Is very anxious for
baby sister and often importunes his
mother TO buy one. But" says man.
ma, 81 haven't money enough to buy
one" well, but mamma, can't you
get one and have her charged?" was
the eager inquiry.
A young gentleman who was trying
10 play waltz on the piano got con-
fused and made mistake. While he
was cropping for the right chord. a little
girl in the room exclaimed: Mamma,
isn't he just like papa? He's lost his
la'ch-keyr-Burlington (W) Free
Press.
lis it correct 10 say have went, was
know" he replied. why, l thought
that you graduated from a university"
so did. but you see. we never had
anything to do with the English Ian
guage. | hear that it admits of great
possibilities.
Jones told his friend, Brown that he
was about to marry Miss Freckledface,
the other day, and Brown said that he
ought TO hunt around and find woman
spotless and fair; and now Brown is
nursing his eyes. and wondering II it
is possible that Jones failed to see the
point of the joke.
Soap-bubble parties should be encour-
aged among young ladies. and young
men in selecting brides should shun
those females who blow large bubbles,
for at last their blowing up propensities
are turned in the direction of the old
man, and great is the blowing up he
getteth therefrom.
A western paper says that wild
woman IL running at large In the
mountains of Oregon. But whether
her wildness was caused by the re-
fusal of n husband to crown her with a
SIT bonnet or the declination of her
young man TO help to shingle the roof
of the village icc-cream dealer does not
appear.
Eiitrix (of Ladies' JournaD: Now,
Mr.. Entenberger, your reports have
been rather thin of late" Reporter:
Il assure you. madam. have con-
scientiously reported all that / have
seen and heard" E.: well, but ex-
cuse me, for the salary and fees you
get you will nave in future to see and
hear u good deal more Than you have
doner
A cookery book says: always smell
salt Goldfish before buying it." We
always do; and after buying it, too
for three or four days after. The fact
l., YOU can smell sailed Goldfish with
out buying it at ali, If you get within
ten rods OF where it is. The odor of
sailed Goldfish is the darkness that once
sclt.eI on Egypt; it is something that
can be felt-SomerUitie Journal.
An Austin boy kept on throwing his
cap into The air and catching 1t, after his
father mad told him 10 keep his hat on
his head. Finally his father lost
patience. After a brief but painful
interview, The parent threw away the
strap and asked: Now, do you know
where your cap should have beenp "Yes,
SIR" sobbed the boy, rubbing himself
where he needed it most; ''it should have
been under INV Clothes"
And now comes forward physician
who recommends the skipping-rope as
an aid TO health. This physician de-
serves the thanks of his profession. The
colleges have just sent u myriad of M.
DIS into the field, and it began to
look as though there wouldn't be bust
ness enough to go around. The skip
ping rope, if properly worked, ought
to make things lively for the doctors,
beside doing something for the under
taking business.-BostoH Transcript.
The man who has occasion to peruse
newspapers will discover much latent
humor in the advertising columns. For
iusrapan adunrtisan,an. ~ Nau,
England paper reads: Lost, two
cows. one of them q bull" In another
paper it is soberly stated by sorrow
ing widow: liam very sorry to inform
all the friends of the family that my
dear husband entered into better and
a happier life beyond the grave, on the
18th OF this month, with paralysis.
TEXAS syaings.
The Comtesse de c., who regrets
her young days, conceals her age as
much rs possible. Not only does she
have recourse to all contrivances of
art. but each winter she calls herself
one year younger than the preceding
year. She betrayed herself. however,
ut the opera the other evening by one
of those expressions which are SO COM
mon. Meeting Mime. B, the Com
tesse said to her: '.Ah, how are youp
1t is century since have seen YOU"
You sec."' said one of her friends to
another in low tone, 'tshe acknowl-
edges her age now!"
A Louisville lumber dealer went
down to Franklin, Tenn, recently TO
buy lot of ..fallen timber on the
McGavock farm, which had been cut
by Gordon Granger's troops during tho
war as protection against surprise by
cavalry from the west side of the Har-
peth River. After striking q bargain
he went out to count the logs. At one
place he counted thirteen walnut sticks,
and at another sixteen. On going over
them again he found only twelve In the
first lot. and seventeen In the other.
On making a careful examination he
discovered one of the sticks was a
snake. and 1t had changed its position
while he was away.
The story of lad, who at Christmas
dinner. when the plum pudding was
brought on, cried because he had eaten
SO much turkey that he had no more
room for the dessert, Is equalled by the
remark of bright 4-year-old ut q
dinner In the city yesterday. The
little one was q guest Of its grand
mother and had been Toasted with the
usual prodigality of grandparent to
grandchild. When the second dish OF
pudding was placed before the child,
the first having been dispatched with