The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-03-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

tncy Will naVes-AOChteoSeF De"OCf"S'
Husband, you'll have to go and
call that boy yourself. 1 can't make
him get up. He sleeps as if he were
log ''Oh. well, Maria, the boy can't
helpit. It's fate. He was born to be
n npoliceman.
Victim Ito dentist)-"Good heavens!
man, that is the second sound tooth
you have pulled" Dentist Ito victim)
II beg your pardon, sir, but as you
had only three when ! commenced l
think l shall make no mistake this
time"
Old gentleman Cooking at very
bob-tailed horse): ''Bless mel How
short thew have cut his tail" Attend
ant: His master is q member of the
Society for the Protection of Animals,
sir. In this fashion he will not annoy
the poor tiies."
1t is a sight worthy of an artists
crayon TO see a woman, while talking
through telephone to her grocer three
miles away, stamping her little foot
aud shaking her fist as though the poor
man was quailing right before her.
Yonkers Statesman.
Trust men and they will be true to
you," says Emerson. We showed this
To u respectable grocer. He grew livid
with rage, seized a club, and wanted
to know where that Emerson fellow
lived. There was mischief in that gro
GERS eye We did not tell him.
Postal regulations: Abigail-What!
half these letters again for Miss Fanny
and not one for mep Postman (Hiber-
nian)-Av course not. Do you think
me so name as to be bringin' ye letters
from another gentleman, and l killen
myself comm to see ye every morning
this whole month past, darlin'?
i AGrass Valley man has four trained
frogs that sing the 'Sweet Bye and
Bye" A little marsh frog is the tenor,
a big bullfrog is the basso, and the So
prano and alto were imported from
Sacramento. AS soon as the owner
teaches them one or two new songs he
intends to travel through California ex-
hibiting them.
DIR. x goes to restaurant with a
friend, and orders a bottle of wine.
Shortly after he is called away for
moment, and the friend accosts the
waiter:E s..Fine brand of wine that is. "
Waiter-'tAh, yes, but by no means our
best You ought to try some OF the
kind the Doctor always orders when he
comes here alone. ."-FLiegende Btatter.
A country gentleman who recently
preached. in an Austin church is an adj
mirror of the writings of Charles Dick
ems. and quotes from his novels almost
as often as he does from the Bible. He
surprised his congregation by winding
mp a gorgeous peroration with: 'lt is
thus you see, my brethren, as tho
Scriptures say, 'Barkis is willin', but
The flesh is weak. '-Teras Siftngs.
"How is this, Minnie" asked one
Marathon girl of another. ''fou have
asked all these folks to your party that
YOU scarcely speak to and left out some
of your most intimate friends" ''Oh,
that's all right. I'm practicing up on
cooking and am going to bake the
cake for the party myself l don't
want to kill any of my friends. -
Marathon Independent.
Some genius has invented a thermo-
meter whereby a man can regulate the
temperature to suit himself. This is
an admirable thing, for, with one of
those machines in his pocket, man
can defy the extremes. When the
temperature slides down below zero,
all he has to do is to pull out his little
thermometer, give it a twist up into
summer heat, and-there you are
Ieras SifttngS.
A grocer sold an old farmer a gallon
of tar through mistake for molasses.
After discovering the mistake he waited
to hear some complaint, but, hearing
none, wrote to the old fellow, who re-
plied as follows: ..Mueh Obliged for
The c'reckshun. but it comes too late,
as all of the stuff is done soppcd up.
Wife she lowed that thar was suthen
outen fix with the 'lasses; but lowed
she must be pregedist- "-ArkGmsaa0
Traveller.
A clergyman in Durham, Eng. some
short time since taught an old man in
his parish to read, and found him an
apt pupil. After his lessons were fin
ished he was not able to call for some
time, and when he did only found the
wife at home. "HOw is JOhn?" said
he. ''HOw does he get on with his
readingP" "Oh, nicoly. sir. ''Ah, i
suppose he'll read his Bible very COM
Portable nowP" bible, sir! Bless you,
he was out of the Bible and into the
newspapers long ago"
Miss Maria Pickafiaw (talking be-
hind her fan to her sister)-The idea of
Dolly Debut's wearing that heliotrope
dress! Miss Jane Pickaflaw-Why. it
strikes me as very becoming. Mss
Maria (snappishly) - Becoming! o;
course! Did anybody say it wasn't?
But don't you know it takes n faultlcss
complexion to wear that color. and for
Dolly Debut to appear in that dress is
as much as TO say she considers her
complexion perfect. Miss Jane-How
very bold of her, to be sure!
Apropos of familiar phrase much
in vogue among a certain type of Amer
lean women, very we'll known New
York lady, while travelling in Italy this
autumn, overheard some of her coun-
trywomen conversing in the cars. She
carried away this valuable critical
opinion, with others: "And SO you've
seen St Peters?" Yes; and on We'd
nesdays the Pope. They're both so
of course, answered.: ''lndeed they
are. just as nice as they can ber'
'sWhat are you doing with my boots
onp" Indignantly asked high State
official of colored gentleman. '.Is
desc here yer boots, boss?" "Of course
they are. " ''Dat's mighty cuis." mot
curious at all, you scoundrel. You
found them in nv room when you
ciedueu uD. w ull, uuI mighty
cuis. Yer ken hab de boots, sab, ei
da's yersef's." II wouldn't have them
now" '.Den what yer wanter make
all dis great 'miration 'boutP White
foxes gittin' wuss cherry day. De blame
boots too little fur me nohow. "-Ar-
EdnSGw IraVekler.
In these days a girl will take about
twenty thousand pieces of silk of all
shades and put them all neatly to-
gethcr, and then embroiier dainty
birds, and blushing flowers, and rib
boncd tambourines, and airy lutes, and
all sorts of exquisite little conceits
upon it. And after this she lines it
with sky-blue satin, and puts a luxuri-
Gus heavy gold cord around the edge,
and when all this aesthetic object is fin
ished it is called crazy quilt. We
should think it was the girl who would
be crazy.