New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-01-23

VI duJuSUmtuL anu Luen ran 1nCO Cn6
victims house and told his mother she
had better hurry out and look after her
son. as he guessed the boy was suffer-
ing from spinal meningitis.
A graceful writer one day wrote a
beautiful and sublime, article on how
easy twas to die, But when the chol-
era morbus struck him that night, he
had four doctors called in, and the
druggist on the corner took his family
to an excursion with money paid for
the beautiful article. The Judge.
Gracious, Henry!'' exclaimed an
Austin lady to her husband, .tyou didn't
drink all that bottle of claret alone, did
your 'ttAlone darling!'' replied Henry,
20, no; l didn'tsdrink it alone. I had
just taken two toddies and rum
punch before tackled the claret.''
The news comes all the way from
Atlanta, Ga, that Patti is fair and fat.
If Georgia had been properly recon-
structed such a Misrepresentation as
this would have been detected and
stamped out at once. Everybody who
has seen Patti knows very we'll that she
could fall through coal hole without
cramping her shoulders or injuring her
complexion.
Dramatis Persona: Paterfamilias
and his "Only Hope" aged -. The
latter is busy at his lessons. Only
Hope, suddenly looking up from his
books-"Pa, who was Shylock?' Pa
terfamilias, with look of surprise and
horror-''Great goodness, boy, you at
tend church and Sunday-school every
week and don't know who Shylock was?
Go and read your bible, sir.
The theory has been advanced that a
cross dog will not attack a man VINO
lifts his hat to the animal, ''as it pre-
sents to the dogs mind the apparition
OF living creature taking himself
apart" A Norristown man met say
age dog yesterday and gave the theory
a practical test. 1t was not q crafty
ing success. 1t took a dollars worth
of court plaster to stick the man to-
gether. Some Of him came apart in re-
atty, but the dog didn't seem to care q
particle. -NorristoWn Herald.
II heered on de streets dat Sam
johnson glib you a kick las night?"
ole did for 4 fac. Ise sufferin' from
dc effcc' oh it yet" s'Why didn't yer
kick him back?'' "Hey?" 'Why didn't
yer kick him back?'' .'Bekase dar was
nobody dar but us two.'' Il don't see
no sense in dat ar Eyer don't? Well
l does. Oar bein' only two of us pres
ent, eff I had kicked him back den hit
would hab been my turn to be kicked
again right off: -
An observer says: ''Always stand a
wet umbrella with the handle down;
one trial will convince you of the rap
idity with which it will drain, and your
umbrella will last longer if dried
quickly" We tried that once; tried it
in barber shop. We are fully con-
vinced of the rapidity with which it will
drain, and if the present possessor will
kindly advise us how it is lasting we
will speak more at length Of the test,
The Judge.
Answer to Enquirer '.No; young
ladies should never meddle with Greek.
It's a useless waste of time. When a
girl is thrown out upon the world to
wrestle with a sewing machine or to
encounter the cold charity Of corset
factory, she cannot move the stony
hearts of her employers by chanting
passages from Eschuylus or Euripides.
AS to the second branch of the ques-
ton, it is sufficient to say that the ex-
preston, Home Rule was not de-
rived from Homer.
The information that Jay Gould is
simple in his tastes, aud don't like his
beefsteak brought to the table trimmed
up with ostrich feathers and point lace,
is important. The more we know about
Jay Gould the more we want to know.
If we were poor and one of his heirs,
and wanted money very badly, and had
started out of bed at night to fight bur-
glars, Jay Gould is just the man we
should want to go ahead of us and hold
the candle.
An illustration of the ridiculous and
annoying manner a church choir will
sometimes run together the words of a
hymn is afforded by the remark of a
small boy in one of the front pews Of a
church in Boston. The hymn begin
ming, 1.-The consecrated cross I'd bear, .
had just been sung, and in the momen-
tary quiet which followed, the per-
picked youth turned to his father and
asked in an earnest whisper: ''Say, pa,
where do they keep the consecrated,
cross-eyed bear?'
A North Hill man tripped on rug
at the door Of his bedroom, slid down a
long flight of stairs, crashed through a
glass door, down the stone steps, rolled
across the yard out through the open
gate, crossed the sidewalk on the dead
slide and brought up like an avalanche
against tree box. ''By heaven" he
said as he limped back to the house,
shat tree box might have been the
death of me. Ii can find the child whc
left that gate open I'll wear out skate
strap on him. And he did. Balyllqa1-
ton Haa0keye.
Recently tenderfoot from California
was in one of the arid districts OF Ari-
IONA, and, being thrown in contact
with an honest miner, endeavored to
draw the native out. Little cloudy to-
day, amt it?" asked the tenderfoot.
Eyes, : said the honest miner. "Looks
like rain; don't you think SOP NO
said the honest miner. Indeed! said
the tenderfoot; '.why, from the looks
Of the sky, I'm certain it is going to
rain. = s'Wall, p'r'rps it is, young fell
Ter, p'r'aps it isl replied the honest
miner, indulgently, 'but I've been here
ten year, an it haint rained yit. The
tenderfoot concluded it would stay
dry.
There are some men with SO nice q