News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-10-09
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND I'm THEM TO SMILE
OVER THIS WEEK.
THE 1nH-K11N CLUB RESOLVES.

The LIME-KILN CLUB hESOLfhos
Professor Lightfoot Bayson presented
the following resolution;
ResoEUed, Dat de secretary of dis
club be an am hereby directed to de-
mand of de Secretary of Wah in de most
emphatic languidge, wheder or no any
of de new pints, capes, bays, inlets or
mountains diskivered by de Greedy
party in de polar regions war named
arter any of de prominent cullud pus-
sons of dis kentry? If so, dis club
would like a list of 'em. If not, Con-
gressional investigation will be at once
demanded.
The resolution was unanimously ac-
cepted and adopted without debate,
and the secretary at once sent out for
bottle of red ink and a ten-cent pen
holder.-Detroit Free Press.
QUEER COUNTRY.
eYou Americans are queer lot"
vouchsafed newly arrived Englishman.
'Iast night l overheard young wo-
man remark to her escort as they left
the theatre:
Isn't he an elegant actor p
"a few moments later another young
woman said:
"Do look at the moon, George dear,
isn't it elegant?'
''This morning as passed a grocery
store the clerk said to customer:
"'Cabbages, sir? Yes, sir; fresh
lot just in. There is an elegant cab
bage, sir
TRAMP's MOMENT OF MISERY.
A genteel- looking tramp, with fair
load for Monday morning, stood on
Chatham street corner recently in a
meditative mood. He nelvously twirled
dime in his fingers and finally tossed
up the coin, saying ''Heads for break
fast; tails for cocktail |" He looked
at the coin after it fell to the sidewalk
and sorrowfully exclaimed "Heads J
that's for breakfast.
Flipping it again in the air, he said ;
'fTwice out of three times"
1t fell tails. The tramp's thirst was
neck and neck with his hunger. 81
mush' give she breakfast chance. So
here goes zerd and last time" he said.
He tossed the coin again in the air. 1t
fell in the gutter and bounded into the
sewer through hole in the rounded
curb-stone. IN. y Graphic.
BUSINESS MUST BE DULL.
A country merchant caught thief
cI1 his naqb dFayUar
"Hello, there" he sung out, "what
do you want in that drawer ?"
ooh, notbing," said the man, sheep
ishly, backing off and trying to get
away.
"Well, don't let me disturb you.
I've found the same thing there for the
past six weeks "-Merchnnt Traveller.
NO MORE, NO MORE.
sPa," remarked young Johnnie
Jarphley, "was Jonah great manP"
ST do not know that he was a great
man, my son." cautiously remarked Mr..
Jarphley, shut he certainly was very
remarkable one."
"He lived in whales belly for forty
| days, didn't he, pa 2
Something of the sort is recorded, 1
believe"
could you do ?"
sI don't know. am reading-Don't
bother me"
''But, say, pal believe you could
1 heard ma say you was regular Jonal
in everything you undertook, and
ouch oh oh oh won't do SO n
more p'-Pittsb,trg Telegraph.
HE WAS NO HOG.
A well-known hard card player fel
up against well-developed faro gam
in Chicago, and during an unusuall
fierce and sanguinary argument wit
: the tiger quit loser of about 81 so
! which amount represented every ceI
| he owned in the world. As he ros
to leave the gilded arena, speculatin
the while ON the condition of tn
walking between Chicago and Pittsburg
the dealer remarked in a cheerful man
ner. "Hold on a minute; we're going
TO have q little lunch of cold ham, etc.,
in few minutes. Won't you join us p
"Join you," roared the victim of the
combat. as he turned on his heel with
an air of disdain and quit the place; edo
YOU think I can eat $1,000 worth of
ham,"
PERFECT PREsERvATIvE.
Mr.. Runaround was out late the other
night, and the next morning at break
fast, in order to 'justify" himself, he
remarked to his wife:
"Pet, we have been married twenty
years, and you look almost as young as
you did them"
"You have not changed a particle,
she responded, sweetly.
"Not changed p he answered in sur
prise, remembering his gray locks and
ruby nose.
"Why, how can you say that ?"
because things preserved in alcohol
never change" she answered.
Mr.. r. buttered his napkin ring.
under the impression that it was muf-
fin, and the meal progressed III silence
- Washington Hatchet.
A STORY.
I'll tell you story, mamma,
I'll ''make it up, you know
There once was little princess,
Lived years and years ago.
Her mother loved and loved her,
And never made her mind,
And let her eat the cookies,
And-oh, was awful kind.
, She stayed up late like grown folks,
Her mother liked her to,
And-won't you make this story
Come just exactly true
-Youats Companion.
HoShiprS