Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1884-05-02
HUMOR OF THE DKY.
A false proht-Ill-g gotten gains.

II ldlSc plOub SOIICH Solllo'
Always getting into scrapes-Nut-
inegs.
"Do take some more OF the vegetables,
Mr.. Blood, for they go to the pigs, any
way."-HarOard Lamp0on.
Colored walters are the best. What
ever is said at the table they will be sure
to keep dark. Orleans lem.
''Half loaf is better than no leisure,
remarked the tramp, as he settled him
self for nap on park bench.-NdU
YORK. Life.
Tight boots are said to cause the blood
to mount to the face. That's why society
girls are all the time blushiDg. g.-BurliRg
ton Free Press.
A young woman is about to open a
cigar store in New York. We have no
doubt she will have capital to back her,
Boston Bulletin,
Jay Gould's income is recKoned to be
at the rate of 50 minute. When man
asks him for a minute it means some
thing. g.-Statesmdh
The sunsets are still red, which is more
than can be said of a great many scien-
tifc articles being published on the sub
jet Cincinnati Iimes-Star
A Japanese woman dresses her hair
only once in four days. This gives the
rest of the family an occasional glance at
| the mirror -BiSnlarcb Tribune
| When freedom from her mountain height
Unfurled her standard to the breeze
! She gave the ladies perfect right
| To do all thingS-Just as they please.
Chicago San.
A man has been arrested in London for
simply laying up something for rainy
dav. In his room over nine hundred
umbrellas were Observation-Disclosures
Herald.
A preacher having married a couple in
the church the other day, unfortunately
gave ont as the very next hymn, Mis-
taken souls that dream Of Heaven. -
Chjcag0 Sun.
''You can lead horse to the water,
but you can't make him drink, y says the
old saw. You couldn't make some men
drink, either, if you took them to
hydrant.-Haookeye.
A young dude once went to Tahiti,
But the natives all thought as a sweetie
They would find him so good
That they used him for food;
Or, to put it more plainly, they eat he.
The Judge.
There is probably nothing in this
transitory world that will yield larger
and quicker returns on the amount in
vested, than polling wasp with your
finger to see if he feels well.-C Chicag0
Sun.
sInto the lilt of loves blithe measure
there has crept curious jar and halt, "
sings Ella Wheeler. 1t appears that Elias
pa, too, comes down to the gate some
times in his largest pair of boots Cour-
ae,J0u171Gt.
A Philadelphia man compels his
daughter to eat onions every night for
supper, and thus assures himself that he
can shut the house at 10 o'clock without
locking in a strange young man.
lington Free Press.
Krupp is building a hammer that
weighs fifty tons and will cost over two
million dollars No doubt such ham
mer will come handy during house clean
ing, but we shouldn't like to hold thu
tack. Philadelphia Gull.
Kaiser William King George, O.
Greece and King Christian, OF Denmark,
will meet this summer in Weisbaden.
Opposition summer resorts will have to
t hold pretty good hand to beat three
} Kings.-Nor5StocOn Herald.
! A Canal street storekeeper conceived
5 and executed the plan of putting up Tho
= sipn, admission Free, p" over the door o.
his store, and his place has been crowded
, ever since The average human being
Q does love free show.-Picayune.
Some one says emo thoroughly occu
ped man was ever miserable" Tn
Philadelphia Ne,oS is convinced that tina
: man evidently doesn't know what it is t.
n attempt the feat of keeping twin babie
n quiet while their mother goes to church
> eyes" said the English nobleman g
, was disgusted with Newport. Why
,; there were two other earls there when
u arrived and l didn't begin to monopoliz
all the attention. America is becomin.
'r too overrun with noblemen Boston Pos
q A little fellow with tall, stalwart wifi
was asked by friend if the contrast be
tween them didn't often expose him
10 mortifying remarks. ''Oh, don't min
e, that he said, cheerfully "but sine
Sarahs grown near-sighted, l have
look sharp for fear she'll step on me. y
Brooklyn Eagle.
Or Clara Morris says her "stage tears al
20 real tears "Well, great Scott, the
ought to bel She's paid enough tc
them. The idea of a woman getting S6C
ou for weeping and then palming of imiti
ton weeps on an unsuspicious, confidin
Al audience that has paid $3.50 for reserve
seats! Why, we didn't suppose that an
actor or actress of prominence wou
cry anything but real tears. You can
expect the property man to furnish emf
as ton, we don't suppose. .-Ha'0keye.