Daily Republican., 1884-08-22
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT

The Reverend Mr.-was one Of the |
most bashful men, and was constantly |
getting into scrapes through his ner-
vous mistakes. At one time he rose
In bis pulpit to give out the hymn,
-" This World is all Fleeing Show"
which he rendered 80 This World
Is all Sheeting Flow" Every
body smiled except the deacons,
and the minister was covered with
confusion as he began again "This
World Is all n Shouting Flow" This
only made matters worse, and the un.
happy man cleared his throat with ire
mendous force and began again j" This
World is all Floating She." Then he
slammed the hymn.book down, and
wiping his brow, said Brethren,
for some reason | cannot read that
hymn az 1t should be read. We will
omit 1t, and the choir will please sing
the grand old lines beginning Just
as Am, Without One Flea
Doctor !" Have you 20. better Of the
and the wife is AZ bad an liver, sor."
Doctor b" Did you get that whisky and
quinine ! prescribed ?" Patient dyes,
sor, but 1t did no good 1T ALL" Doctor
-" That is strange. You took 1t accord
ing to directions, suppose ?" Patient
Yes, sor you know q man and wife
are one 2" Doctor What has that
to do with it ?" Patient: We'll, ye
zee, sor, being rs we are one flesh, L
tuck tho whisky and gave Biddy the
quinine."
Elizabeth Is q girl about eight years
old. When asked how far she had got
in her geography lessons, the little
woman said: " We are in the Alps now
Aud what do you think? The girls there
wear short red skirts and sort of
green Jacket laced in trout and behind,
with pulled sleeves. don't remember
what X ind Of stockings they wear; but
think they are bine."" Well" ex-
claimed the almost paralyzed parent,
but where are tho Alps, child?"
don't know" was the artless response;
it dosn't say anything about that"
81 fear, sir, that my noise has rather
Inconvenience you," said a somewhat
boisterous individual, who had been
Ia liking a good deal, to more quiet oc-
cupant of a seat in a railway carriage
recently. /" Not in the least" he re-
piled. " thought" replied the noisy
man, "that you did not seem interested
by my stories" "Quite the reverse,
my dear sir" said the quiet one 90
am very much so. In fact, am bit OF
q liar myself"
| IL is told of an old Highlander, who
was rather fond of his toddy. that he
was ordered by his physician, during a
temporary illness, not to exceed one
ounce of spirits daily. The old man
was dubious about the amount, and
asked his son, a schoolboy, how much an
ounce was. "Sixteen drains" "Whal
a guild DOCTOR" exclaimed the High
lander. "Run and tell Donald M lavish
and Big John to come doon the MITCH
''Mister Schmidt" said German
recently as he entered Pittsburg mer
chants office, Il hat der schmall pox-
"Great Heaven Mr.. Schneider" wal
the hurried reply, "don't come here!
aud the clerks disappeared in variou
directions. "Vot's der madden, init yoI
fellers?" pursued Schneider. az ha
der schmall pox full of butter oud il
mine wagon vot Mrs. Schmidt ortere,
last wick already"
~ don't SEQ any scars on you" sait
} yong Miss Greatheart to Mr.. NeverdroI
Badman the other evening after she ha,
closely scutinized him for awhile
Scars" said Mr.. Badman in surprise
why should you see any scars on me?'
"Why, pa told us at dinner to-day thai
everybody cut you at Miss Thomson
rosebud party last night" answered
Miss Greatheart.
A gentleman, while bathing at sea
/, saw his lawyer rise up at his side, ate
, a long dive. After exchanging saluta
tions, says he: " by the way, how abou
Gunter?" HE IS in JAIL" replied tn
lawyer. and Owed again. The gentle
man thought no more of 1t, but on get
a ting his account he found: ITO consul
:. tation at sea, about the incarceration o
= Gunter, three dollars"
A lady, taking tea at a small gather
ling, being very fond of hot rolls, wa
. asked to have another. Really,
: caunot,," she modestly replied
don 7 know how many I've eaten al
: ready" 81 do" unexpectedly cried
D liuveniie whose mother bad allowed hir
:; a seat at the table. "You've cate
eight.; I've been counting"
An honest farmer, who had see
: I" Richard the Third" performed on
night, waited upon the manager mex
= morning 10 say that IL the gentlema
L who wanted horse the previous ever
J, ing held his mind, he had got abunt
lance of cattle In his meadow, and hi
, should be happy to deal with him.
Mrs. L-had q nursemaid, NJ
long ago, who, in airing her youn
r charge one day, met with a bicycle clu
q OF ten going at full speed. On return
ling to the house, she exclaimed "Oi
mum, the baby nearly lipt out of h
carriage fur replacement fur he saw ii
min ridin' in thin philosophers"
X 81 understood yon to say that you
ID charge for services would be light,
10 com p lained the client, when his Law
yer handed him a Tremendous bill.
believe | said my foe would be nom
nal" was the reply, but -" d
~ :. see," interrupted the client phen
,h menal.
OF A fortune hunter, in advertising for
n, wife, delicately said ;" 1t would be we
II the lady were possessed of a compt
" tency sufficient TO secure her again
he excessive grief, in case OF fatal acc
ts. dent occurring to her companion"
3D. "What isa wink 2" asked the teache
- 4" 1t IL the thing you season your sod
". water with" rep led the new boy, wi
'ts was as smart AZ he was annoying. 81
N. the teacher marked him away dow
and pretended not to understand hin
II THE bees are swarming, and there
VI, no end To thsm," said Farmer Jont
,ia coming into the house. His little DO
". George, came in a seond aftsr~a d, al
said there was an end TO one OF 'ei
Ianyhow and it was red-hot' too.
Is. The following is a copy of bill pc
70. ed on the wall of IL country village
lecture ON total abstinence will be
NJ liyered in the open air, and coliectl
l,a 40 ar tina door IA defrAV q