Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-05-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

is referred TO the pension office. where
the names and addresses of thousands
are kept.
1t is remarkable fact that however
we'll young ladies may be versed in
grammar, very few are able to decline
matrimOny.
A Virginia girl married tramp who
turned out to be duke. We've no pity
for her She should have known what
he was before she married him.
A Wisconsin woman has predicted
tidal wave on Lake Michigan in June
next. The gentler sex seems to be
crowding intosall the professions.
A Long Island boy opened the bird
cage and let out his mothers pet song
ster. on the ground that the bird
needed air. Then, oh! how his mother
famed him.
The San Francisco EUe1ai11g Post says
that the most effective way to keep a
mans memory green is not to build
monument to him, but to be eternally
talking about doing so.
A colored barber in Idaho has drawn
the color line; he refuses 10 shave III
dians. He evidently thinks himself
better than the American Government.
-DrGke's Travellers Magazine.
You are weak" said . woman to
her son, who was demonstrating
against her marrying again. Yes,
mother" he replied, 81 am so weak
that [ can't 90 4 stepfather."
The saying is revived of the late Mr..
Abram Hayward, that There are hun
dreds of English families wandering
ruined over the Continent because of
their dislike and reluctance to lead
trumps."
mo, [ don't object to the smell of q
cigar, said 4 widow to her lover. at
reminds me of dear John, who declared
that although he didn't like the taste
of tobacco, he had to smoke to keep
the moths out of his mouth. '-lH0teL
MAIL
Pious joke: A bashful young clergy
man in Nebraska lately rose, peony-
color, to begin his sermon, and started
off beautifully with his text as "And
Immediately the cock wept and
Peter wen: out and crew bitterly. =
Independent.
A man has been arrested here with
100 pounds of unclaimed brass in his
possession. Chicago drummers who
miss 4 portion of their features can
come forward, prove property and take
back their lost cheek.-PIttsbWrg Chro1o-
&cle Telegraph.
my dear" said Mr.. Muckleham to
his wife, ''those hams | bought the
other day are so badly spoiled they
cannot be eaten ''What a pity" his
wife replied. Guess we'd better send
them out to the charity hospital. -
Ar&02aS090 ITaveIer.
Mile, Andre is years old; she is
playing with her doll, and in her talk
with it she calls herself lady. ''You
q lady ?'' says one of the friends pres
ent, purposely to bother her Ger
tainly l am lady. already thrash
my little one !'-French Fpn
A young mother, travelling with her
infant child, writes the following letter
to her husband at home: eve are all
doing tirst-rate. and enjoying ourselves
very much. We are in fine health.
The boy can crawl about on all fours.
Hoping that the same be said of you, I
remain, etc, Fanny"
81 am sorry Redpath left Ireland
just as be did" said Judge Curran to
a Dublin newspaper man the other day.
'1f he had only made up his mind to
stay a month longer [ would have so
arranged it that he would be here yet"
'.Ah, how so ?' In jail responded
the Judge, grimly.
A young man applied for q position
in q doctors office "What can YOU
do p asked the physician. 81 KANT
do nothin' yet, but L want to learn how
to hack off legs. Got nat'ral hank
erin for sich work Cut one of the
Pendleton boys all ter pieces luther
day, so pap lowed I'd better be q
DOCTOR"
A lady asked learned professor if
he understood Chinese. He did.
''Well, what is mouth in Chinese P'
''Mouth is k'eu." A week later the
lady suddenly asked the professor:
''What is kitchen door in Chinese?"
sit is k'eu." Very remarkable. A
week ago you said mouth is k'eu."
"Quite so,n answered the professor;
"whatever opens and shuts is k'eu in
Chinese"
More deaf than formerly-Littlc
Girl-''Papa, did mamma say yes to
you right off when you asked her to
marry you ?" Papa-''Certainly she
did" L. c. why don't she say yes
now just as quick when you ask her to
do things ?'' Papa Mammals hear
ing is not so good now, darling
that's ALL"
A mot was related at Mrs. Moulton's
a day or two ago by a bright Boston
woman that is worth repeating. The
difference between New York and Bos-
ton men" said the lady, lis that the
men of Gotham are so hurried they
run against yoh, while the men of Bos-
ton are so wrapped in q cloudland of
meditation that you run against them"
4 visiting friend found Simkins with
his coat off standing on the doorstep
the other night, and remarked ''Suf-
fering Caesar, man. you'll catch an aw-
ful cold ont here in vour 9 shirt laavaS -