Connecticut western news., 1884-05-21
ADVERTISING RATES
WIT AND WISDOM.

Coop weight to get rioh-calling fourteen ounces a pound.
 SPEAKING is a sign of vanity, for ho that is lavish in words is niggard in deed.
 Irs speculation that ruins the cash iers and it's peculation that ruins the | clerks.
 A YOUNG husband in this city is suffer ing from n severe case of tnmor. Gtstwo more--twins.
 MoRE helpful than all wisdom is one draught of simple human pity that will not forsake us
 WHEN an actress becomes too fat to move around comfortably she begins playing Camille.
 IN the social circles of chicken-yard the lines are very distinctly drawn, for each hen has her own set #
 WHEN n candidate gets into the hands of his friend, their next move is to get their hands into his pockets.
 "A wrE's Greatest Trial, is the title of new book. We have not read it, but suspect that it is her husband.
 MEN are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
 'YRs. ." she said, "I always obey my husband, but reckon have something 10 say about what his commands will be-"
 Ir is safe to bet every dollar you have in the world that spring is here. The barbers have begun to shave with cold water.
 LOOK upon indolencc as Q sort of suicide; for tho man is efficiently de- stroyed, though the appetite of the brute may survive.
 HE didn't want to call the other follow hog, but he said that if he was smoked and sliced mp he would make good ham sandwiches.
 Hrs Reverence (facetiously inclined, pointing to n donkey)-"Pat, dye hear yer mother calling to ye2" Pat HShure au' do, Father. "-Jttdy.
 AN old lady in Maine thought every New York policeman was father, be- cause he had billy-but no more SO than every farmer who has hennery.
 IT is no disgrace to be able Co do every thing; but to undertake, or pretend to do, what you are not made for, is not only shameful, but extremely trouble some and vexatious.
 "YEs," he said, "I have been in den- tistry all my life. In fact, I entered the profession when baby" '"rhats ab- surd. What can baby do in denhstryF "It can cut teeth. n-P Philadelphia CdA
 Do YOU think would make very attractive angelg" said dude with very large ears to young lady. "Wsn, mo-" she replied, pointing to his im- mense ears, "I think your wings are a little too high up."
 "WHAT kind of sauce will you have with your steak ?" asked the waiter of n diner in restaurant where the condiments were served with the orders. "If the steak is as tough as yesterdays send in a couple of circular saws"
 "wHAris more awful to contemplate" said the lecturer, glaring about him, "than the relentless power of the mael- strom ?" And hen-peckod-looking man in the rear of the building softly replied "The femalestrom.
 "Now," SAID a boy to a companion, as they were playing, "Ill sit here and you come up and say you've got bill you want me to pay" "oh, yes you want to tell me to get out. You be the one what comes with the bill"
 DRua clerk, to diflident young lady "wish to get something Young lady, muttering-"I really believe I've for gotten what I came for" Clerk, who catches the last words-"Camphor; how much, please 2'- Chicago Sn'.
 IF thou art rich, then show the great ness of thy fortune, or what is better, the greatness of thy soul, in the meek ness of thy conversation; condescend to men of low estate, support the dis tressed and patronize tho neglected. Be great.
 ENQUIRER want to know how to clean kids. We have had no ex- perience, but should advise washing them. You had, however, better inquire of some mother. To make pickle, say something mean of the girl across the street. Boston Post
 Do YOU believe that a woman nowa- days would die for the object of her love P' asked n bachelor friend. "1 don't know whether she'd die or not, answered the Benedict, "but I've known her to go wild when the trimming didn't suit her. "--NcWport Ncws EVERY man feels mstinctively that all the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less thau single lovely action, , and that while tenderness of feeling and susceptibility to generous emotions arc ' accidents of temperament, goodness is l achievement of the will aud a quality of life.
 A TEXAS editor had very narrow escape last week. He published society note in which "P. e. T." appeared after } a lady's mama He only saved himself being punched full of bullet holes by explaining that it meant "Prettiest Girl In Texas" The editor wears new slir- pers now.-Peck's Sun
 No MooKERY in this world sounds to me so hollow ms that of being told Co