The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1884-04-18
NO ~ 1900 DEER LODGE, MONTANA, APRIL Is, 1884.
WHY WE LAUGH.

Henry Watterson calls II "the painted har-
lot Of protection" Henry Is prudish.-Lo,celt
Citizen.
"No," said q sinner" have read the bible
all want to. It's too personal."-Phila-
deiphia Call.
A cup of hot water with q piece of dried
apple In 1t Is the swell thing for q morning
tonic in New York society.
"No," she said, sweetly, 81 don't object to
the smell Of cigar; it's the smell Of the
smoke don't like. Burlington Free Press,
The Government envelope factory at Hart
ford uses ton of gum . week. This beats
Vassar College about quarter Of ton.-
NeW York Graphic.
In Wurtemburg girls are not allowed to
dance round dances until they are 10. years
old. How nice They are just the right age
then to begin to.-Burlin0ton Free Press.
There are those who Prorhesy that the Ohio
Legislature will not adjourn until the oak
leaves are as big as squirrels ears, and the
dog wood blossoms are out, when Is Q good
time to 60 fishing.
A neighboring paper, reporting . recent
social says: "The opening piece was render
cd by q mule quartet" The reporter wrote
1t "male quartet" but the compositor knew
better.-Oa City Derrick.
ayes, sir" said the liquor dealer, "it Is
ing school within 500 feet of q liquor
saloon. Schoolhouses are the ruin Of the
trade, anywsy."-Someruill Journal.
The constructor of tall fish tales at the
country store folds his jack-knife aud silent
ly steals away when old Barnyard veracity
comes up and begins to tell of the quantities
of milk and butter be is getting from his
Jersey cow.
At the theatre: She-"Where have you
been, George?" He-"Oh, 1 only went out
into the foyer to get drink of water" She
(turning away her head)-"Mercy 1t smells
more like fire water than foyer-water."-
Boston Transcript.
Francis Murphy says the dramshops can
not be legislated out of existence; the only
way to cure them is by fasting and prayer.
That has been tried, Mr.. Murphy-tricd
many and many q time by the families Of
the customers. Philadelphia Call.
The Scientific american directs hanging q
q cold drink in summer. We have known of
something being hung in q jug in we'll
about haying time to keep COOL but 1t wasn't
water. Not by q jugful.-Rockldnd Courier
Gazette.
Dick Wintersmith always pretended to be
familiar with the tastes and habits Of the
people Of the blue grass region. Speaking
Of the menu Of the morning repast Of the
Lexingtonians he has been heard to say that
q Lexington breakfast consisted of three
whisky cocktails and chew of tobacco. 1t
would be difficult to find language sufficient
ly strong In which to denounce this vile
slander.-Loudsriiie Courier-Jownal.
"No," said an Arizona campaign orator, as
he arose to oppose the nomination OF can.
tidate for county treasurer; ono, l haven't
any thing TO say against the ability Of Major
Slathers-nothing In the world. In fact
consider that, II anything, he has too much
ability" "How's that?" asked the chair
man. "Well, you see, over at Cross Dog
Camp last winter we used to play . good
deal of seven-up. The Msjer-one Of the
best fellows in the world-had such remark
able bull luck that the boys got so after .
while that they wouldn't play with him un-
less he had his coat off and his cuffs rolled
back" The Major was scratched.-~Merchdnt
Irareler.
Lord Coleridge Is deiighting his English
friends with stories Of his American visit,
and among them with this: He was at Mount
Vernon with Mr.. Evarts, and, talking about
Washington, said: 81 have beard he was q
very strong man physically, and that stand
ing on the lawn here, he could throw dol
lar right across the river on to the other
bank" Mr.. Evarts paused q moment to
measure the breadth OF the river with his
eye. 1t seemed rather "tall" story, but 1t
was not for him tc belittle the father Of the
country In the eyes of q foreigner. "Yes,"
Mr.. Evarts replied, 81 think It's very likely
| to DO true. You know . dollar would 60
farther in those days than 1t does now."