Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-08-01

| eIIecG upon OoaCOnS OlmpSOu. OtiupSoi
and Grub. So natural was the speaker
tone and gesture that the committee
sprang back in some confusion, and in
stinctiyely buttonel their coats tight.
over their pockets.
Perfectly surprisin',' gasped Deacon
Simpson.
| "Assnatural as life, "murmured Deacon
| Simpson.
''Jes' So whispered Deacon Grubb.
''Thank you, gentlemen" cried the
smiling inventor; II knew you would ap
preciate it,. A word or two more. These
sermons (pointing to pile of metal
plates upon the table) obtain from 6
prominent literary bureau. They are all
new, original and guaranteed. You gel
them at the wholesale rates. With eact
c1ericomotor also throw in twenty as
sorted hymns, announcements and remarks
suitable to all occasions, together with
two bottles of my celebrated electrical
/ lubricator and monkey-wrench. My
schedule rate is $500, bat as you, gentle
men, are the first purchasers, will make
it $3.50 net"
The deacons were almost overcome by
this rapid way, of doing business.
s'sHold on. ''cried Deacon Simpson, 'show
about christenings 2''
weddings first p drily remarked Dea.
CON Simpson.
s"An' pastoral calls Z" added Deacon
Grub.
-"All arranged, gentlemen" cried the
genial Rogers; pilates for everything! just
think OF it-no pickering over the parson 3
visits; no devastating donation parties;
no soul-destroying slippers to distract
your daughters mind; no salary falling
due every quarter The clericomotor is
never troubled with clergymen's sore
throat and needs no vacations. In short
The only expense hewill entail upon you
will, be for small boy to turn the
crank"
Deacon Simpsons face lighted up
| THAT won't cost much, reckon, p he
said; my boy, Hezekiah, will he just the
one for that
| .Deacons Simpson and Grubb looked at
!.
each other with dubious expression. for
Hez. Simpson. was generally considered
the worst boy in Byesyi.ie.
Understand, gentlemen said the in.
ventor gravely. essthis whole matter is to
be kept profound secret. ask nothing
| until the elerico motor has publicly proved
its usefulness To-day is. Friday-if you
have no obieetIon we will try it next
Sunday ss ~. s =
The deacons nodded assent.
Sin the meantime I must again urge
upon youthe necessity Of the stricteat
secrecy,
It had been whispered about Byesville
that the committee on selection had new
candidate to present to the congregation.
Consequently the church was filled to its
utmost capacity at an unusually early hour
Notwithstanding this fact, the first
comers were surprised to find the clerical
stranger there before them. AS the church
filed up many comments were whispered
over, this unusual proceeding, but they.
were supplemented by numerous comph-
mentary illusions to his distinguished
appearance.
The service opened with the hymn
| sung by the congregation-and proceeded
in the customary manner. The congrega-
ton was charmed with the newcomer.
His gestures were graceful, though ex-
ceedingly numerous, and his voice was
full and deep. So finely developed were
these admirable qualities that when he
made the announcement that the usual
collection would be taken up, it was noted
that he impaired to it a sympathetic flavor
that it never before seemed to possess.
1t was, however, in his sermon that he
achieved his browning triumph. Never
before in the history Of the Byesville
Orthodox Church had such an eloquent
effort been heard. Replete with graceful
imagery and profound thought, it held
their undivided attention from the OPEN
ing sentences. And most remarkable of
all. it was delivered extemporaneously !
The faces of Deacons Simpson. Simpson
and Grubb wore looks of the proudest sat-
isfaction, and they exchanged smiles of
congratulation across the church.
Happily they did not know what was in
store for them.
AS is understood. the motive power of
the clericometor was. HeZ. Simpson, the
deacon's harum-scarum son, who was con-
cealed behind the pulpit. At first the
responsibility of his position held his
frolicsome disposition in check, and he
performed the duties prescribed for him
with exemplary fidelity, but as the novelty
wore off his natural spirit of mischief as
serted itself. Despite his solemn instruc-
tion not to turn the handle backward land
probably because of this very introduction,
he was dying to try the effect of the for
hidden experiment.
The new clergyman had reached "seven-
teenthly,": and was just entering upon
glowing peroration, when he was observed
to Slightly hesitate. Almost immediately.
however, he recovered himself and clearly
and forcibly calculated, "Sixteenthly ~
Hez had commenced experimenting.
The reverend gentleman repeated few
sentences smoothly, and then, without
moments warning. shouted, Thirdly !"
The hair on the heads of Deacons Simp-
son and Simpson stood on end in horror.
Deacon Grub was bald. It was very
evident that Hezekiah had thrown all
prudence to the wind. The new minister.
without in the slightest degree losing the
expression of gravity which added dignity
to his countenance, calmly proceeded
backward by jerks through secondly"
and firstly" Then he jumbled together
two announcements and hymn. and
varied the astonishing performance by
rapidly sitting down and rising again a