New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-07-02
70 What Science can Is Ussd for.

crobe producing kleptomania, ana on
it being known, by George! let's see
wether its virulence can be attenuated
by transmissionSto other animals or by
cultivation in towards and sycophant.
Both may be feasible: d
We deem that the kleptomaniac vi
rus, transmitted, for instance, as the cat
possesses rather sharp claws and is
fond to play tricks with somebody else's
property, more so if that property
should happen to be fresh fishes; and
the strength of the virus must be less
ened even to q greater degree BY being
transmitted to the magpie, which is, as
is well known, the biggest thief in all
thesanimal kingdom. We shall not
say word here about the monkey, be-
cause the most harmless virus cultivat-
ed in the simious, would make a high
wayman Of the most honest, God-fear-
ing Bank-cashier. tsS
Per contra, the septic kleptomaniaI
principle inoculated to several sue
cessive specimens of beatifc and cleri-
cal dogs must lose its virulence entire
". Indeed, no subject would be so
adequated for the experiment as the
dog of bigoted old lady, who, seated
by his mistress side, serious, taciturn,
ascetic, spends several long hours to-
gether in the dark seclusion of q church;
his canine mind undisturbed by the
slightest sinful thought, even should he
be confronted with all the coquetish
bitches, who promenade the church al.
leys wagging significantly their tails,
and even should his nose be struck by
the tempting odours from all the dishes
prepared by that king of cooks, Dor
ABUNDIo EsToFADO.
The experiment could be made mar
velously well in New York, where we
have supply of Wards, Fishes and
other propitious elements to carry it
into effect.
We might for instance inoculate vi
rus from hardened thief into any citi-
zen, and then lock him up in a cage
with the famous Ward, and the most
septic froth from the latter's mouth
would be harmless to the inoculated
citizen, and q further proof that Pas
tours experiments are successful And
even should this not be the case, moth
ing is lost by trying. Let's then risk
the experiment and if success answers
our anticipation, humanity will reap
incalculable benefit.
TIE efficacy of the preventive system
in this particular case being demon
strated, it is obvious that if not gener-
ally introduced like the virus discover
ed by the immortal Jenner, it would
at least be made a requisite qualification
for aspirants to any Office entailing pc
cuniary responsibility. Then we would
often see in the papers such advertise
ments as these:
IA competent young man wants a
position as bank-cashier. He can fur
nish excellent references and is ino-
culated.''
WANTED. young ladies to
make religious collection. Must be of
fine appearance and be i7l0cNlated
with the kloptomania virus"
.'WANTED. BY the A. B. G. Street
r. r. Company. 5000 inoculated
young men as conductors.
And 80 on ad infinitum.
To make the thing better we could
have virus for every calling in life;
for we don't think the virus from a
smart banker would be much appropri-
ated to prevent tailors to use poor lin
ing.
BARRIERS might be inoculated with
the virus from q dumb animal to pre-
vent their contracting that most heni-
GUS disease which is. called everlasting
death-dealing prattle, which is develop
ed by the practice of their profession;
and those of them who are apt to over
charge when the shekel-collecting mo-
ment arrives, might be inoculated
with the attenuated special virus Of the
renowned John Kelly, the Tammany
Boss, who charged-as the story goes
twenty five dollars for shaving man
that was going to be hanged.
And who knows but the same meth
cd might not be applied to murderers?
How much better it would be for ci-
vilization to do away with the gallows
and the garrote, and turn the jails and
compulsory incubation of murderers'
virus should be practiced! A wretch
convicted Of taking the life of fellow
being would receive q worthier and
more just punishment if sentenced to-
be made subject for the extraction of
virus, which, after properly cultivated
would make persons inoculated with
it inalienable to the murderous desease.
Thus the very ills of Nature would be
transformed into benefits, and should
the Unborn human perversity ever hap
pen to produce such monstrous being
as that woman arrested in Hungary,
for having poisoned four husbands and
hundreds of women in the lapse of
k,vvo ~
the morbous state of that miserable
woman, after being duly attenuated as
before said. in chicken, lamb, night
watchmen, policemen, city marshals,
or any other harmless animal, might
be utilized to preserve mankind, for
ever from recurrence of crimes SO hor-
rible. J.
May then the noted savant Pasteur
come to same mankind from the count
less calamities which cause our dis
honor and unhappiness, and may his
(providential pr0phy lactic system deliver
us not only from the thief and assassin,
but also from the slanderer and perjur-
er, the villanOus seducer and the hated
landlord.
Thanks 10 this redeeming method,
we shall come to have in time for the
general welfare and the piece of mind
of the families confessors and piano
teachers impervious to temptation, pub
lie officers without certain adhesive
ness in the palm Of their hands, tailors
and cooks without pilfering, justice
without bribery, literary men without
Hong trains and poetic propensities. and
i in short perfect heavenly beings DEPRIVE