The new North-west., 1884-03-07
WHY WE LAUGH.

1 i ". L
telephone talks hellograms. -s ..... .
It is the gearing of machinery that always
travels in cog.-Lo,oel Citizen.
Has the American hen forgotten her lay ?
-Erchdnge. No, she has Lent it.
II is said that John L. Sullivan is very
found OF going to pound parties.-Boston
Budget.
The disasters by the Ohio food already
foot up several millions of dollars and a
poem by Will S. Hays.-St. Louis Globe.
Democrat.
| The greatest oleomargarine fraud yet per-
petrated is labelling the buckets with fe-
rocious looking billy goat to indicate genu-
inc butter.
| Leadville claims that chronic disease is an
unknown thing in that vicinity. The fact is
people don't live long enough there to die of
chronic disease.
There are 1898 Quakers in Indiana. So
many broad-brimmed hats must be quite o
protection to the soil in dry weather.--B,r-
tington Free Press.
| A poem has been written by Ella Wheeler
entitled, "You Kissed Me-" It is not ad-
dressed to any one in particular, but General
Sherman is suspected.
Senator Anthony of Rhode Island attrib-
utes his recent illness to the use of cigarettes.
An exchange says that he might move into
larger State and smoke cigars.
An article containing dozen hints on how
| to take care of horse is going the rounds of
| the press, but there Is not one hint as to how
| to get the horse.-Merchdnt 1rareler.
Monosyllabic: Two tramps met on the
| highway. One was evidently lame. The
| following conversation ensued: "Lame ?"
| eyes" "Dog?" "No." "Boot ?" eyes"
~ Y. Journal.
A timId young man has married lady
whose weight verges closely upon 200
pounds. "My DEAR" says he to her, "shall 1
help you over the fence ?" NO." says she
to him, "help the fence?"
"I'm a Director in the company" said the
devil in newspaper Office. "You don't say
sol" "Yes, It's true" "What are Direct
or's duties ?" $40 direct wrappers, of
course. ."-Merchant Trareler.
The life of Kentucklan has been short
ened by tobacco. A hogshead of the weed
fell on him and crushed him out of symmet-
iical proportions. 1t cannot be denied that
tobacco in large quantities is Injurious
arkansas TraUeier.
"You've lost your umbrella cover, mad.
ame," said a gentleman to the bride Of the
"Liyng Skeleton" politely handing her an
article she had dropped. "Thank you," she
replied, "but that amt an umbrella cover
It's my husbands ulster. Brooklyn Eagle.
In glove fight at Cleveland Tuesday night
one of the bruisers received such q terrible
blow under the ear that he was knocked
senseless, and it required ten minutes for a
physician to resuscitate him. There should
be a law fining physician 900 for being
present at q prize fight.-Norristo,on Her.
aid.
sThat reminds me of familiar song,"
said the President Of punster's clHb point
ing to a gilded owl which swung in front of
| a taxidermist's shop. "How so?n inquired
| bis private secretary. because It's owl
hang sign,' my boy" The secretary was ar
rested on charge of assault with intent TO
KILN. Y. Journal.
"Did you hear the news about Blimmer? ?"
inquired DeSmythe of O'Jenks this morn
ing. "No; what's happened to Blim, old
boy ?" "Committed involuntary suicide be-
fore breakfast" "You don't tell me How ?"
"He swallowed four gallons aud a half of
fog, and died In the blessed hope of sunshine
beyond" "Good morning. "--Hartford
Post.
General Jackson wrote dollar with big d
and God with little g. There are few
million people still living In the United
States who do the same thing every day, but
not in print; oh, no, brethren, not In print.
They are very careful to have the capitals
properly and respectfully placed in print;
but in business they use little nonpareil G,
while the d is big four-line plea gothic.
burlington Ha,okeye.
He is young doctor and she is Vassar
graduate. Last Thursday evening he said to
her: "Do you know, dear, / have heart
affection for you ?" "Have you had 1t lung?"
she coyly inquired. "Oh, yes; feel that
will liver troubled life without you," be fer
vently responded. "Then you had better
asthma" she softly murmured. Then he
hugged her so hard that he bad to reset her
collar bone.-The Hatchet. .
We met az the bell of the old church re-
sounded,
We met in the meadow, not far from the
lane;
Ny limbs, how they shook, and my heart
how it bounded!
And oh, how / suffered How great was
my pain!
'Tis ages ago, but I'll always remember
Her breath, sweet and balmy as hay in the
NOW;
I'll never forget that dark night in Decem-
Der,
How went DER the fence with the help
of q COW
-Ne,o York Morning Journal.
A scientific doughnut maker: Bread"
exclaimed Vassar College girl. "Bread
Well, i should say can make bread. We
studied that in our first year. You see, the
yeast ferments, and the gas thus formed per-
meates everywhere and transforms the plas.
tic material into clearly obvious atomic
structure" "But what Is the plastic mate
rial you speak Off" aOh! that Is commonly
called the SPONGE" "But how do you make
the sponge ?" "Why, you don't make it; the
cook always attends to that. Then we test
the sponge with the thermometer and by
drometer and lot Of other instruments, the
names of which don't remember, and then
hand IL back to the cook, and don't know
what she does with 1t then, but when 1t
comes oil the table 1t is just Splendid
Chicago Herald.