Daily Republican., 1884-05-21
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT.

com panied by his lt1sn SotVsnSS h@u 'uo
misfortune TO have his vehicle smashed,
and himself and companion thrown vio-
leDtly to the ground, by bis horse tax
ing fright and running away. The
gentleman was somewhat bruised, hut
not seriously. His principal loss was
that of his wig, which hal been shaken
off and oo picking himself up, he
found Pst in q most ludicrous condition,
holding ON to his head " ith the blood
trickling through his fingers, and mis- I
masters wig In the other hand, which
he was surveying with the most ludt
crous alarm and horror.
well, Pat" said his master, are |
YOU much hurt?" "Hurt, is 1t? Ah,
m master, dear, don't you see the top OF
nv head In my hand?" Pat. in bis
terror and con usinn, had mistaken his
masters portable head'piece for his own
natural scalp, and evidently regarded
his last hour a. havingarrived.
Smiths wife was not very bright
woman, but she sometimes said things
which we're worthy of % wit. One day,
after doing or saying something silly,
her husband snapped out, Well, you
are a little the worst ever saw
I" Why, what's the matter now ? Have
done anything wrong p ! should
say &c. You don't know the difference
between a horse and donkey, quite
believe" "I didn't say you were
horse, did ?" she replied, meekly, and
Smith said no more
"You are charged with vagrancy.
You never do anything but beg" said
an Austin Justice to a shabby-looking
prisoner. Tramp A." You do me great
Injustice, your honor. steal every
chance l get, and l gamble, too, occa.
sionaly," Judge ;" beg your pardon.
| had no idea you were so respectable.
T hone Won will excuse me. am very
sorry" Tramp: "Well, you needn't
carry the thing too far, judge. ! don't
claim to be member of Congress-
They are taking evidence in divorce
case, The husband is under examina-
tion, His wife, prostrated with giref,
| ia weeping bitterly, covering her face
with her handkerchief. Now" says
the counsel, "are you not ashamed to
have thus brutalIy treated yonr WIFE
tender young woman oftwenty-five" :"
The wife suddenly raised her head. " !
beg your pardon" she sobs twenty
two only" And she again gives way
to grief.
A Young lawyer, who had long paid
| his court to lady without much a1-
vancing his suit, accused her one day
of being insensible to the power OF
love" ut does not follow" she
archly replied, "that l am 50, because
am not to be won by the power of at
torney." "Forgive me-" said the
suitor, "but you should remember
that all the votaries of Cupid arc solici-
tors"
A clergyman called rather early one
morning upon parishoner, aud one OF
the children who ga W him coming ran
| in to tell his mother, but soon resumed
his play. The minister inquired " Is
your mother at home ?" " No, sir"
replied the child she Is out at
present." "Tell her, when she returns,
that called" said the clergyman. ~
did tell her." replied the little boy.
| A gentleman who was closely
wrapped in d fur coat. surmcunted by
cap to match, took a seat in q railway
carriage by the side of lady. He made
several attempts to draw her into con-
versation, but without avail. At last
he exclaimed: Madam, why are You
30 ungracious? Do you take me for a
wolf In sleeps clothing? ?" "No, quite
the REVERSE" answered the lady.
"Gray hairs are honorable and be-
coming to people who have passed the
J meridian Of life. / sincerely wish my
head was covered with gray hairs,
exclaimed Major Tompkins. The ladies
of the company screamed out with one
voice, "Why, major, what an awful
wish /" Tompkins made no reply, but
took off his bright brown wig, and ex-
posed finely polished bald pate.
"You have been up before me half a
dozen times this year." said q magis-
|, trate, severely, to local vagrant, who
thus made answer: "COme, now,
Judge, none of that. Every time I've
been here I've seen you here. You are
here more than I am. People who live
in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
, The proprietor of cotton factory put
/ this notice on his gate :" No cigars
, l.or good. looking men admitted" in
, Explanation he said, "The one will
set flame going among my cotton,
) and the other among my girls. won''
) admit such dangerous things into my
tablishment. The risk Is too great. y
A young lady, the other day in the
course of q lecture, said Get mar
, ried young man, md be quick about it,
, ltoo, Don't wait for the millennium
hoping that girls will turn angels be
fore you trust to one Of them. A pretty
, thing you would be alongside of an
angel, wouldn't you, you brute 2"
What do you want to set such 9
tough chicken before me for ?" indig
!. nantly exclaimed q fair damsel in
restaurant the other day. "Age before
beauty" always, you know, ma'am,'
: replied the polite attendant, who wei
knew how to serve his employer and
8 tough chicken at the same time.
A military man laughed at a timid
little woman because she was alarmed
D at the noise of q cannon when salute
was fred. He subsequently married
this timid woman, and six months
!. afterw ward he took off his boots iu the
! hall when lie came In late at night.
A minister, hearing a boy saying!
y Bother these mosquitoes, reproved
: him, saying that, like all other crea'
lures, they were doubtless made fol
some good end. "That may be-" said
the boy" but don't like the end that
feel, at any rate
"Was early man u savage ?" asked
magaziue-writcr. That depends. II
. the early man was dressing to catch the
+ Q a. m. train, and his collar-button fell
behind the bureau, the probabilities
l ale that he was about as savage as they
: make 'em.
A young clergyman having, in the
hearing Of DR.. Parr, stated that he
should believe nothing he could not
a understand "Then, young man, said
the doctor, "your creed will be the
1 shortest of any mans know"
|. A farmer recently forwarded Letter
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