Weekly Chillicothe crisis., 1884-06-26

Much harm has been done by a long
haired phrcnologiSt in the west who
has, during his life, felt of over one
hundred thousand heads. A compari,
son Of large number of charts given
in these cases shows that, so far, no
head examined would indicate anything
less than a member of the lower house
of congress. Artists, orators, prima
dOnnas and statesmen are plenty. but
there are no charts showing the natural
born farmer, carpenter, shoemaker or
chambermad.
That is the reason butter is so high
west of the Missouri river to-day, while
genius actually runs riot.
What this day and age Of the world
needs is Il phrcnologist who will paw
around among the intellectual domcs
of frcc-born American citizens and
search out few men who can milk
COW in cool and unimpassioncd tone
of voice.
1t is true that every man in America
is Il sovereign, but he had not better
oveldO it. The man who sits up nights
to be Il sovereign, and allows the calves
to eat his brOwn-eycd beans, is not
leading his fcllowmcn up to higher
and noblcr life. This sovereign bust
ness can be run in the ground if we
are not careful.
Very likely the whitc-cycd boy with
the hickory dado along the base of his
oycralls is the boy who in future years
is to be the president of the United
States. But do not, oh, trow, fair
young reader, that every Albino youth
in our broad land who wears an isoscc-
les triangle in navy-bluc flannel athwart
his system is going to be the chief
magistrate of this mighty republic.
We need statesmen and orators and
artists very much; but the world at
this moment also needs several athletic
parties with the horsc-Scnse adequate
to produce flour and other vegetables
necessary TO feed the aforesaid states
men, orators, etc, etc.
Let me say a word to the bright-cyed
youth of America. Let me murmur in
your ear this nevcr-dying truth: When
along-haircd crank asks you u dollar
to toll you that you are Il young De,
monsthcncs stand up and look yourself
over at distance before you swallow
it all.
There is no use talking, we have col
to procure provisions in some manner
and in order TO do so the natural bOrl
bone and sinew Of the country mus
90 at it and promote the growth of Sucl
things, or else, we artists, poets and
statesmen will have too take OIL ON
standing collars and do it ourselves.
Phrenology is Il good thing, II,
doubt, if we can purify it. So long u
it is not the slave of capital, there il
nothing about phrcnology that is go
ing TO Ito harm; but when it become
the creature of the tradc-dollar; i
+ looks as though the country would b,
filled up with wild-eycd genius tha
hasn't had 4 square meal for tw,
weeks. The time will surely COM
when America will demand less states
manship and more flour; when les
statistics and purcr, noblcr and NOR
progressive style of becf-stcak will lie
=, nltlu our dJlcHllOI.
| had hoped that phrenology woul,
step in and start this reform; but so ia
it has not, within the range of m
, observation. 1t may be however, tha
the mental giant bump translator wit
whom | came in contact, was not
N fair representative. Still he has bceI
Q in the business thirty years, and som
/, of our most polished criminals hav
passed under his hands.
An erroneous phrcnologist once toll
f me that | would shine rs II rcviyalist
Il and said that ought to marry u tai
:. blonde, with Il nervous, sunguinar
G temperament. Then he said, zone dol
d lar please and | said, IAN right
d gentle scientist with the tawny manc
l. | will give you the dollar and MARI
= the tall blonde with the bank-accoun
n and bilious temperament when yo
give me chart showing me how [
c dispose of Il brown eyed brunette wit
y = thoughtful cast of countcnancc, VIII
&C married me in an unguardcd momer
" two years ago"
&C He looked at me in u rcproachfl
n kind of a way, struck at me with
= chair in an absent-minded name
and stole away.-BW Nyc, IN Puck.