, 1884-02-22
A GOD.
The Humorist Delivers a Sermon
Upon the Oriental and
Oolong Josh

! presume that / shall not be accused OF
sacrilexe in referring TO the Chinese god as
an inferior piecs OF art. Viewe1 simply fro;n
an artistic and economical standpoint, Il
seems TO me that the Chinaman shouli hnve
less pride In his bow-leggel and inefficient
god than in any other national institution.
do not wish to be understood as inter
fering with any mans religious views: but
when polygamy is made n divine decree. or
a bass-wood deity Is whitfield out and painted
red, to look up TO and to worship, l cannot
treat that so-called religious belief with
courtesy and reverence l am quite liberal
In all religious matters. People have noticed
that and remarked 1t, but the Oriental god
OF M seems to me to be greatly over
rated. He seems to lack that genuine de-
cision Of character which should DO a feature
Of an over-ruling power.
/ ask the phrenologist to come with mo
and examine the head OF the alleged Josh,
aud TO state whether or not 20 believes that
the properly balanced head Of a successful
god should not have a more prominent knob
of spirituality. and a lesser pronounced
alimentiveness Should the bump OF COM
bativeness hang up over the ear, while time,
tune and calculation are notioeably r~eticenti
/ certainly wot not.
Again, how cnn the p~hyyiognomy Of the
celestial Josh be consistent with a moral and
temperate godi The low brow would not
indicate a pronounced omniscience. and the
Jumbo ears and the oooious neck would not
impress me with The idea Of purity and
spirituality.
1t is, no doubt, wrong to attack sacred
matters for the purpose of gaining notoriety;
but 1 believe lam right when 1 assert that the
Chinese god must GO We should not be
~Puritanical, but We might safely draw the
line ut the bow-legged and sedentary goddess
Of lepro sy.
II Confucius bowed tho suppliant knee to
that goggle-eyel jim-jam Josh, l am grieved
to know it. If such was the case, the friends
OF Confucius should keep the matter from
me. l cannot believe that the great philos-
opher wallowei in the lust Mt tho feet OF
such a polka-dot caricature OF q g~orilla's
horrid dream.
l bought e Chinese god once. for 4 bita.
He was not successful in the profession which
be aimed TO follow. Whatever he may have
been in China, he was not a very successful
goo in the English language. l put him upon
the mantel, and the clock stopped, the servant
girl sent in her resignation, and a large dog
jumped through the parlor window. All this
happened within two hours from the time l
erected the lop-eared, knock-kneed and club
footed Oo!ong in my household
Perhaps this may have been largely due to
my ignorance OF his habits Possibly II L had
been more familiar with his ~eccentricities 1t
would have been all right; but as it was,
there was no book OF instructions given with
him, and l couldn't seem to make him work.
During the week following, the prospect
shaft of the New Jerusalem mine struck a
subterianean gulf stream and waterlogged
the stock, n tail yellow dog, under the weight
of a great woe, picked out my cistern to sui
eide In, and l skated down the cellar stairs
on my shoulder-blades and the chronological
location known as the lovo OF home in such
q terrible manner as to jar the foundations
OF the earth and kick u large hole out of the
bosom of the night.
1 then met with n change OF heart, and
overthrow the warty heather god, and
knocked him galley west. My hens at once
began 10 watch the produce market, and,
noticing the Light price of eggs. commenced
to CRATE with great zeal instead OF standing
around with their hands in their pockets. !
saw the new moon over my right shoulder,
and all nature seemed gay once more.
The above arc a few OF my reasons for be-
lieving that the Chinese god is either greatly
over-estimated, or else Shippers and produoeIs
arc flooding the market with fraudulent
gods