The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1884-07-02
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
What We Find in the Humorous
Papers to Smile Over. 5a.
A MIGHTY OVATION.

Papers to Smile Over. az
A MIGHTY OVATION.
Foreigner-"What grand OUT
pouring of tine people. Thousands
and tens OF thousands of American
freemen, and all assembled in one
spot. But what means this loud
acclaim"
Citizen-"It is an ovation"
"Ah, yes; l see the recipient now
on the hotel balcony. Is 1t the Pres
ident of this mighty republic?"
ooh, no."
"Some great military here, TER
haps; or, possibly, some eminent
scientist, author, poet or artist
whom the country delights to
honor?"
"You are wrone."
f'IndeedI Then who liz the per-
soDage who inspires such enthusi-
asm; what noble deed has he &C
complished2"
HE is the winner Of the walking
match. "-Evening Call.
ON WALL STREET.
1t would appear, from the brief
mention given in the daily papers,
that there has been some little
trnuble in VIII street. Some thir-
Teen firms, with an aggregate CAPT.
tai OF $7,720,600, have announced
that their combined liabilities are
S37 100000. The discrepancy be-
tween the two reprepresents the
difference between a bird in the
hand and two in the bush. There
Is a powerful moral in Wall street
just now, but exactly how to frame
1t puzzles the will and makes bank
lrupts of US all.-Llfe.
| HYGIENE sELF-DEFENsE,
The late Caleb Cushing once re-
marked TO compan Of friends
that when he was practicing law
In a certain town he had the chair
used by visitors nailed down TO the
floor four feet away from his desk.
what on earth did you do that
for?' asked the query.
well, every body in that 8, ction
was extremely confidential and was
also extremely fond of fried onions
and Holland gin. It was a move
on my part of hygienic self-de-
| fense."
JUST AS HE EXPECTED.
I "This won't go for two cents. 3"
said postal clerk IN country Of
ice, returning to an old negro let
ter which be had passed through
the delivery window.
"Whut's de matter wild itP''
"Tuo heavy"
"Jes' bout Ike I 'spected. Dat
letter wuz writ by my son, an
tole him he wuzer writin' too beaby
a han, but he KEEP on beaI'n'
down on bis pen. I'll take 1t back,
sab, an git him ter write it wild er
penc1l."-Austin Siftings.
a STORY.
He loved her. She knew il. She disliked
him Whst thenl
He asked her to marry him sgain and
again.
She refused. Is grew angry. He left in
pei.
he told he wished that they never had
had met.
She married another She was happy.
/ But he
Roamed he wide world over on land and
on sea.
He returned after long years. Her nus.
band was dead
He proposed. She accepted. And 80
they were wed.
| SCARCITY OF SMALL CHANGE.
SHOW do you lie Austin 2" asked
gentleman, of Uncle Nose.
"De town am good enuff, but Ise
sorry for de folks; dey am so pore .
"There seems TO be considerab G
wealth in Austin"
"Yes, dsr seems to be, but hits all
a snare and collision. Yesterday
| wanted change foah a five. dollar
Dill. | hunted all fru my pockets
and l hain't foun' it vt, I nebbeI
seed q town whar hit was so hard
ter git change foah poor missu BILE
ive.dollar bill p"-Texas Siftings.
A COMMON SCHEME.
Advertising Agent" But how
can you expect to do business with
out adver isiDg?n
Merchant" You see l depend
upon my location"
but thousands OF your rivals
have locations just as good as
yours"
"I know it, but they don't know
how to use them. My plan is tC
keep the pavement III front filed
full of goods, boxes, etc., etc.
But what good does that do?"
"People going by are sure tt
bump their shins unless they keen /;
a sharp look cut, and they can't d.
that without seeing my stock :
Phils. Call.
WHAT IT MEANS.
"Paps," said a fashionable New
: York gir;, "what does baggage
mean?"
y "Baggaee ?" the old man replied
' "why trunks, valises, etc things
that you take with you when traY.
cling"
"Ohl" said the Gear girl, who hat
returned from four weeks tr,l
abroad, 'snow l understand, LII
the same as luggage"
NoBoDY's BUSINESS.