Daily Republican., 1884-04-22
FOOLISH PRErENTIONS'

,Brvthsr Gardner, In his Lime-Kiln
Club talk In the Detroit Free Press has
the following excellent advice for vain
people: TN
"Am Purveyor Hopewsll in dc hall
dis eavenipg ?" asked Brother Gardner
a. the meeting was called to order.
Yes, sab" replied voice from the
back row Of seats.
"Den please step dis way !,
Brother Hopewell shutfied toward
with q mixed look of hope and doubt
on his face. He couldn't make out
whether he was to be rewarded for pull
ing a stranger out Of the river the other
day, or court martialed for having .
wheel harrow In his possession which
three different men claimed to have
been stolen from them.
Brudder Hopewell," continued the
President as a great silence rel upon
the meeting, "de odder day l met you
down street an shouldn't have
knowtd who you was If Pickles Smith
hadn't identified you. You had on q
suit Of togs dat mus have cost $4O.
eyes, sah."
You had ha'r lie on yer ha'r, you
smelt of perfumery, an you carried a
cane"
Yes, sah." ,,
"Whsn you walked yon acted like a
man who owned half de town, an when
you stopped you struck poose to snow
off yer tigger. Brudder hopewell, how
much money does you airn IN
week ?"
Bout 80, sab"
can how much am you behind on
board?''
IT'LL s'pects lie bout eben,
sah." ,,,
+" Brudder Hopewell, you am in debt
fur board, fur cloze, fur butes, fur ci'
gars an you has borrowed money
which you can't pay. l has had my
eve on YOU fur de pas three months an
III know all bout it. Now den, who am
you"
Purveyor Hopewell, sah." :,
i" Zactly-'zactly. You am single
man, 25 years old, a second class "a 6ar
ber, not WORT $40 an out Of de %, QUO,
900 people In dis kentry not ooer lol
has eber heard of you. Now, den yot
dress up; you swell around you titnl
on scorlops you try to deceive people
into takin' you fur person OF riches
What am your ohjick"
| "I-I-doan' know, ,sah, " stammerel
the victim.
!" Brudder Hopewell, let me tel! yo'
supthin'. When you flatter yerselt ia
de people of this kentry doan' know a
difference between de bray Of DO null
an de roar of de lion you am dread
fully mistaken. You have bin follerin
de lead of sartin white people. know
heaps of 'ern who goes hungry an
dodge creditors fur de sake Of blindin
lpcople's eyes. A woman whose husban
Arms $40 week has no b,zness VII
silks and diamonds, a $l5 hat, or =
pa'r of shoes, but she am do pussu1
who'll have 'em for fear that someDod.
will think be isn't rich. Half tn
kentry am in debt for cloze which onl,
de odder half kin afford. De womal
who W w'ars de best cloZe on de street ha
de moas' holes in her parlor ca'pet @
home. De man who swells de biggea
owes de moas' to his tailor an boot
m aker You am poo man. Iou'l
never have hundred dollars in ban
az long as you live. You'll nebber air
mo- dan 'nuff to run small cabin In
small way, an yet you am swellin
aroun' as if a $50, 600 mortgage wouldn
bodder you half an hour. What's you
objick ?"
"I-I-doan' know, sah."
Boy! take off dat swaller-taile'
coat Jump outer dem tight pants
, Drap dat silk necktie Den you 60 t
! work an fin a cheap boardin' hous
an begin to pay your debts. Let you
: cloze match your salary: Let you
board match your cloze. Be what 20
} ANA common sort o pusson who's
assests will kiver his liabilities by har
pullin'. You can't deceive anybody
' and de less you try to, de better peopI
!. will like you."
Brother Hopewell retired to his Co
!, ner all broken up, and his first NOV
= was to offer to trade handkerchl'
n with a red border to Shindig Watkil
]. for whitehandled knife with all tt
! blades broken.