Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1884-11-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

"Will the coming man be happier ?"
asks writer. 1t depends toa great extent
upon whether his wife has got tired and
gone to sleep or is still waiting up for him.
A seedy man was recently bewailing the
fact that he had on worn-out pair OF
shoes. "Never mind" said a friend, SYM
pathetically, "there is many an honest
heart beats beneath a pair of old Shoes"
"Lucca has the hay fever" says for
eign correspondent. You bet she has. All
the singing foreigners have it. They have
shines, and America Is a patch of land out
of doors. Lucca viii recover when she
takes her usual treatment next winter
Burlington Hawkeye.
A man in Wexford bought daily paper
in which he saw an advertisement asking
for information of his whereabouts He
promptly answered it, and learned that by
the death Of an uncle he had fallen heir
to $4,000. The moral of this is, always
buy paper instead of borrowing one
Norristown Herald
There is gnat here this summer that
crawls up under persons hair and bites
him on the scalp, causing an immense
lump to swell on his head. 1t is hard for
person who has been bitten by one of
these gnats to distinguish whether it is
big bump on his head or his little head on
4 big bump Phoebe Record.
Harrisburg young ladies are delight
fully naive. One of them went to see
a doctor, and the doctor was not ut
home Miss Harrisburg saw upon the or
der slate: "Please call at Blanks shoe
store" and, supposing that the man of
prescriptions was there getting newly shod,
she went after him. Philadelphia Pro-
gress.
Emma, hear you have broken off
with George" Yes; am sorry, but it
had to be. He insuIted papa Why,
what did he do?' "Well, YOU know, last
Sunday night, papa kinder kicked him off
the steps, and when he came round Mon
day he brought pair of slippers, With the
toes padded, and asked me if wouldn't
get the old man TO put them OH. - y. Y.
Dial.
Miss Smith has quite number Of fol
lowers Jones" "Yes she has plenty
of beaux. She's handsome, rich, witty
and amiahle; quite a prize, should
say" "Why don't You make an effort
in that direction? You used to be quite
a iavoite with her" Hush its all
right. | expect to cut them all out in
time, but Pm laying low, as it were. |
want to he considered the dark horse in
the race. Soe?'
mo" said Fogg, Il don't fear what
may come to me in another world; it is
The act of diving that fills me with sort of
nameless dread. don't Ike the idea of
crossing the dark river; | always was
afraid of water, Won know" You
shouldn't let that worry YOU" replied Mrs
f., you'll have a splendid chance to dry
your clothes when you reach the other
side."-[ Boston Transcript.
A tree in Milford, Massachusetts,, to
which George Washington tied his horse
in about 1860, was recently cut down
and will be converted into mementoes
Although not very large tree, it is
estimated it vii! produce about 100000
canes, several numbered armchairs, about
the same number of lounges four score of
bedateads and 1000 piano stools. The rest
will be converted into toothpicks and UNI
brela-handles.
A highwavman recently stopped young
lady riding on horseback, and demanded
her money. She dropped her purse in the
road and then started on run for home. The
highwavmand ismounted to secure the purse,
when his horse started off after the young
lady, following her clear home. He was
caught by the girls father, and on exam
nation $4,000 was found in the saddle
pockets. The aforesaid hishwayman must
have felt rather down in the mouth
[Stephensville Enterprise.