davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05
ARTEMUS MARn,S WAY.
Jokes 80 Seriously PerpcIrated as 1,
leave Doubt Of Intention,

Jokes No seriously PerpciratCd as 10
Leave Doubt Of Intention.
Two days before the unwilling Of
the Perry monument says Robert
McWade to a Cleveland Press report
err, came to Cleveland to see Arte-
mus Ward at that time his reputa-
/ ton was not as extended as 10 after
ward became, aud / was puzzled to
determine when the man was Joking
and when he was IN earnest. Now.
said Aremus, the Academy of Music
j is closed, but we'll go around to the
opera house, and ne led me de
I vious route through streets and alleys
20 store in which some ituerant
side Snowman had temporarily locat-
led He never smiled as he inquired
/ the price Of reserved seats and grave
Y paid his ten cents. AS we stepped
Duslde, young man was playing q
WhCezy organ, Artemus stopped him,
land I'm q tone OF surprise asked You
have not always been engaged i'm this
mental occupation, surclyg Have /
mot seen you in more exalted posi-
ton, one more betting your merits ,
/ The young man was delighted, and
candidly told as that ne had been con
nected with circus, but that he had
become stranded asd that he was
forced for a time 10 accept anything
that offered Artemus gave him a
solid chunk of encouragement and
we passed ON to where Hastily
dressed young lady was colhng huge
snakes around her neck Ii was a
most disgusting exhibition. Artemus
Immediately dotted his hat and stood
before the girl IN am attitude of the
most revcreutial as'onIshmeut Then
he slowly ciaculated Sublime And
| am informed, my dear young lady,
I thar You really insert the head Of one
of those sepents iu your mouth p The
girl proudly replied that She did.
Would you kindly obHge usF asked
Artemus, with a bow She did, and
turning to the crowd Ward asked; Is
that not sublime. Can any one now
doubt the superiority of the human
over the lower order of beings, Won
derful, wonderful The girl retired
/ highly elated and Artemus Ward
/ turned his attention To the monkey
cage That, sand he, taking my arm
/ and pointing to a common monkey,
is "a species of iockal. 1t is a very
rare specimen, and was specially inn
ported at great expense This was said
| loud enough for ;he Snowman to hear,
| and that worthy walked over and
learnedly corrected Artemus bv say
ing that the little monkey was a spe-
cies of orang ouatug from the island
Of Sumatra the only one ON exhibi.
ton. etc. Artemus thanked him
kindly and yet doubtingly for the
correction, and as we passed out he
eXtolled the merits Of the show in the
highest terms. And that was all
there was Of the opera-houso per.
Torrance.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

what IS a sage" asked the Wall
Street News mans boy.
"a sage, my son, is a wise man
who knows exactly when TO buy or
sell stocks. We bury about a dozen
per month in this country, but the
supply still equals the demand
What is successful tiuanclersl'
'Why, a man who scoops s., 600, -
600 out OF the bank he runs, and drops
the sugar in Wall Street
"What is a philosopher
lie is a chap who loses his wife's
money in buying silver stock, but
increases his own by taking deal in
pork
whats a financial prophctT
"He is a gentleman who states to
AN interviewer on Wednesday that the
times are prosperous and business
solid and ON Thursday fails for 81
600, coo or IS, 600, 600.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

as boys love to do, he was surprised
upon drawing his fingers out 10 see
them sparkling al the sunshine. No
miner who strikes an unexpected vein
was more excited than that boy as he
s.ized the box and carried the whole
thing down stairs where it was found
that the inside was not only hecked
VITA gold-dust, but that the accumu-
lations of the precious metal had form.
ed sort of carpet of sparkling, soft,
yellow gold, the whole proving q
venlable bonanza The sparrow had
regularly been carrying quantities of
gold dust in its feathers which itshook
out when 1t made its toilet in the
morning The nest is being assayed
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

Close to the United States mint, on
the roof Of a place Of business across
the street, there IS small bird box,
which was formally occupied about
this time Of the year by a pair Of
robbins, but lately occupied solely and
entirely by q pugnacious and tricky
English sparrow. This misery fellow
and the sparrows ares all an avaricious
set-after driving the robbins out,
has occupied the box for two seasons
without even so much as a mate As
might be supposed, one was able to
do that is foremost in looking out for
himself in other ways. Among the
girls and even among the men IN the
mint. nearly all of whom bring their
dinners with them, this particular
sparrow has long been a fayorte be-
cause of his boldness, and 50 freely
does he fly ln the windows and fit in
the back door Of the smelling room 20
pick up crumbs that they joculsrly
say that he is the only one who has
free run Of the mint A short time
ago q boy IN the building went where
Mr.. Sparrow had made his nest, and
peeking into the box to see If there
were any Of the young folks at home,
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

A BUsHEL CRATE, is made Of com
mon lath and inch boards. The
boards should be II or - inches wide,
and The end pieces are cut from them,
they being llX12 inches. The lath
are -four feet, and beng cut in two
pieces leaves The inside Of crate % by
II and T. inches, and contains 1904
cubic 10 or a large heaping bushel
of apples on potatoes, such rs q gen
erous farmer usually gives the pur-
chaser If the bushel is loo large,
make the crate an inch shorter, but
retain the Other dimensions the same
for convenience ID packing IN rail
way cars. Nail them firmly with 4
or 3 penny nails.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05
Sad End of a Honeymoon.
Wilmington Reviaw.

A letter was received here recently
which brought relief and JOY unspeak
able to anxious hearts. 1t was written
by Mrs. Williams stepdaughter of
r. j. Scarborough, who married early
in the winter Capt. f. Williams, of
the schooner Mary e Femrick, of
Wilmington, Del, and left here on
that vessel with her husband for New
York. The schooner sailed from New
York, with Mrs Williams on board
on the 2Sth of March last, since which
time nothing had been heard of her or
her crew, and, as a matter Of course,
the gravest apprehensions had been
felt in regard TO the loved ones fate.
The letter was dated Port Spain, Trini-
dad, April %. After leaving New
y ork succession Of hurricanes drove
the vessel to Bermuda. She was leak
ing, and in great danger. being lead
ed with railroad iron No help came
from the shore, but finally the schoon-
err Martinique, Capt Lowell, which
cleared Wilmington Dec. II, came TO
their rescue and saved all. The
schooner was settling in the water
when they were rescued, and their
situation was one of extreme peril
The rescuers took the saved TO Port
Spain, Trinidad, an island near the
coast of Venezuela. Mrs. Scarbor-
ough was overwhelmed with Joy at
receiving the welcome letter Mrs
Williams, the heroine Of such thrill
ing adventure, is barely 20 years Of
age
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

The Rev George Jones, writing
f1cm Qunio, Ecuador, On The 18th Of
December last, states tiat he noticed
On The morning Of the preceding day
peculiar purple color Of the SKY To-
ward the south, extending along the
Eorzen for about SO deg. ard reach
ny upwards about As deg. At neon
ashes iron CoioIaxi began 70 fall
BY O'Clock ID The evening the shower
Of ashes was heavy enough 10 cover
peoples clothes Ike snow fakes.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05
lFnimorc's Debut in Congress.

When Willard Fillmore entered the
house in the twenty-tbird congress as
the representative from the Buffa-
10 district. Andrew Stevenson, of
Virginia, occupied the speakers chair.
When Mr., Fillmore rose to make his
maiden speech a set of ill-mannered
democrats Immediately endeavored to
cough and scrape him down Mr.
Stevenson, observing the noise and
discourtesy, raped strongly and
loudly with the speakers hammer,
and called Order! order!n in deci-
sive tone, and said The honorable
member from New York will take his
seat until order is restored Mr..
Fillmore accordingly sat down, and,
on the disturbance being entirely
quelled, Mr.. Stevenson said. Order
having been restored, the honorable
member from New York will proceed
with his remarks Mr.. Fillmore. on
this intimation, again rose and grace.
fully expressed his Acknowledgements
to the speaker for his kind interposi-
ton, and added 81 am satisfied, Mr..
Speaker, that the interruption | ex-
perienced did not proceed from the
gentlemen on the other side of the
house.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

Fight your own battles, hoe your
own row, ask no favors of any one,
and you will succeed a thousand times
better than those who are always be-
seeching some ones patronage. Not
one can help you as you can help
yourself, because no one will be So
heartily interested in your affairs. The
first step will not be such a long one,
perhaps; but, carving your own way
up the mountain, you make each one
lead to another. Men who have
made fortunes are not those who had
S., 600 given them to start with, Out
started fair with a well-earned dollar
or two. Men who have by their own
exertions, acquired fame, have not
been thrust into popularity by pulls.
begged or paid for, orgiven in friendly
spirit. They have outstretched their
hands and to uched the public heart.
Men who win love do their own Woo
ing, and ] never knew a man to fail
so signally as one who had induced
his atfectionate grandmamma TO speak
a good word for him. Whether you
work for fame, for money, or for any
thing else, work with your hands.
heart and BRAN. Say, II viii, and
some day you will conquer Too
many friends hurt man more than
none at all.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05


John Henzel, son Of wealthy
North Bergen farmer, quarrelled with
his father because he desired to marry
a pretty young lady who had the dis.
advantage OF being poor, ard went
west to seek wealth four years ago.
The old gentleman relentcd Of his
hardness to the boy after his depar
ture, and when he died q few weeks
ago loft his estate valued at 800 eco,
to the son. Young Henzel, while in
Milwaukee, saw an advertisement
asking for information about him,
and he decided to start FOR the East
lie had money enough to defray his
expenses. but he was robbed in a cheap
boarding house, and left penniless.
There was nothing for him to do but
to make his way back afOot. lie ar
rived IN JERSEY City a day or two ago,
footsore and weary, and has claimed
his inheritance. II is said he will
seek out The lady on account Of whom
he was forced 70 leave home, and who
is said ID reside in Brooklyn
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05
A Motley ARMY.



The Persian army seems TO be
modelled or q plan almost as unique
as a French ChambeTor our navy II
has been organized under a mixed
staff Of officers, belonging 20 nearly
every European nationality, each Of
whom has been permitted to train his
men in his own language, and accord
ing to his own ideal plan When the
regiments parade together the result
may be easier imagined than described.
First march past regiments to the tune
Of " Rule Britannia and " Yankee
Doodle, respectively. Next comes one
20 the solemn strains Of die Wacbt
q mBhein, while a fourth shu fies
past to the stirring strains Of the Mar
seillaise. With Austrian, Russian
and Italian regiments, one iast behind
the other, marching to a diJ rent
tune. the result must DO, as a spec
tator remarked, exquisitely ludic-
rous
Frank Drew. brother Of the famous
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

The Chevalier Henry WikoffI, as
he was best known. BY title conferr-
ed on him BY the King Of Belgians,
was an American, and boosted Of
having crossed the Atlantic 50 times.
Thirty years ago he was supposed to
be about SO and what his age was
when he died no one knows.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

Frank Drew, brother Of the famous
comedian Dew, has just been SEN
fenced to the Philadelphia House OF
Correction. He is said to be contin-
uouslv drunk for20 years
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1884-06-05

Mr.. Richard A. Proctor holds that
if the full power Of the arms and legs
can be so applied to ingemously ar
ranged mechanism as to work wings
more or less resembling those of a
bird. there is little reason Of doubling
man S power Of sustaining himself IN
the air and even travelling with great
rapiditv through it Probably, he
adds it viii be much easier for him
to sustain himself while travelling
rapidly onward than while lowering
over the same spot.
The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1884-01-23
Prohibition In Georgia.

Piecemeal prohibition has made aston
ishing progress in Georgia, especially dur
ing the last few months. There have
been multitude of laws made on the
subject, some forbidding the sale of liquor
in a county or smaller section outright,
and others leaving the matter to popu-
lar vote, or to the discretion of certain
officers, and last winter there was enacted
a general local option measure. A can
vass just made by the Atlanta Constitu-
ton shows that under this legislation
there has been an endless variety of
method in putting the doctrine into prac-
tice, that some entire counties have had
prohibition for seven or eight years, and
enforce it well, while others are just be.
ginning; that in some rum is sold only In
one or two militia districts, while in 9TH
ers the case is reversed that in some
places license system is made to effect
prohibition, in some liquor is sold only by
the quart at few places, that some are
half-and-half," and so on; but the sum
ming up is, that of the one hundred and
thirty-seven counties in the state ninety
one are under temperance control, and In
nine the question is being agitated, while
twenty-five are controlled by the rum
party and twelve are not reported. Total
The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1884-01-23
Iempfranre.
The Spiritual Effects OF Drunkenness.

An editorial in the December Century
says =" This loss of self.respect, the lower
ing of ambition, and the fading out of hope
are signs of the progress of this disease in
the character. 1t is mournful spectacle
that of the brave, ingenious, high-spirited
man sinking steadily down into the degra-
dation of inebriety; but how many such
spectacles are visible all over the land
And it is not in the character of those
alone who are notorious drunkards that
such tendencies appear. They are often
distinctly seen in the lives of men who
are never drunk. Sir Henry Thompson's
testimony is emphatic to the effect that
the habitual use of fermented liquors, to
an extent far short of what is necessary to
produce intoxication, Injuries the body
and diminishes the mental power If, as
he testifies, large proportion of the most
painful and dangerous maladies of the
body are due to the use of fermented
liquors, taken in the quantity which is
conventionally deemed moderate then
it is certain that such use of them must
result also in serious injuries to the men,
tai and moral nature. Who does not
know reputable gentlemen, physicians,
artists, clergymen even, who were never
drunk in their lives, and never will be,
but who reveal in conversation and in
conduct certain melancholy effects of the
| drinking habit The brain is 30 often
inf1amed with alcohol that its functions
are imperfectly performed and there is
| perceptible loss of mental power and of
moral tone. The drinker is not conscious
of this loss but those who know him
best are painfully aware that his percep.
tions are less keen, his judgments less
sound, his temper less serene, his spiritual
vision less clear, because he tarries every
day a little too long at the wine. Even
those who refuse to entertain ascetic theo
ries respecting these beverages may be
able to see that there are uses of them
that stop short of drunkenness, and that
are still extremely hurtful to the mind
and the heart as we'll as the body. That
conventional idea of moderation, to which
Sir Henry Thompson refers, is quite elias
tic; the term is stretched to cover habits
that are steadily despoiling the life of its
rarest fruits. The drinking habit is otter
defended by reputable gentlemen tt
whom the very thought of debaucf
would be shocking, but to whom, if il
were only lawful, in the tender and just
solicitude of friendship, such words a.
these might be spoken 1t is true tina
you are not drunkards, and may never be
but if you could know, what is too evi
dent to those who love you best, how you
character is slowly losing the firmness o.
its texture and the fneness of its outline
how your art deteriorates in the delicac,
of its touch how the atmosphere of you
life eeema In grow murkv and the ak,
lowers gloomily above you-you woul'
not think your daily indulgence harm
less in its measure. 1t is in just such live
as yours that drink exhibits some of it
most mournful tragedies
The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1884-01-23

"But his cousins He seems very fond
of them"
"My child, I think that you had better
60 home"
"Perhsps he does not want to see me.
| should hate to intrude."
"Iutrude in your husbands house,
Cora 2"
"Will you 60 with me, mamma ?"
"I think It would be ill-advised. OF
course Henry does not feel very pleasantly
towards me, for he must think that have
influenced you in all this. He is good,
kind man, but he is only human after all.
You had better go home alone, and by
and by will make you visit. But re-
member, Cora, that you are his wife, and
that it is your duty to make his home
cheerful and happy. You can do it if you
please"
Cora did as her mother advised, and
when she reached her home she was quite
surprised to find no one there but the
servant.
"The young ladies left two days be-
FORE" the latter said, "and very nice
ladies they were."
When Henry came home it was his
turn to be surprised; but he could not
conceal his delight at having his young
wife with him again.
"Why did you not write for me to
Gomez" she asked, in a half-aggrieved
tone. al did not know that you were
alone"
Cora" he replied, "I wanted you to
come of your own accord, and it makes
me very happy to see you here again."
But as soon as he had finished his din
ner he put on his overcoat preparatory to
going out.
"Why, Harry " she exclaimed, in utter
smazement, care you going to leave me p
edo you want me to stay at home
Cora ?" he asked, with a pleased and
happy look. She suddenly burst into
tears, and seating himself beside her, he
drew her head upon his shoulder, soothing
her tenderly. "Do you really want me t
stay with you, my darling ?"
"Indeed do" she sobbed, 4" and will
never leave you any more. 1 wasn't hal
as happy at home"
But here her unexpected confession wa
checked by the happy kisses that he show
cred upon her lips. And then he had hi
own confession to make, which she received
very indulgently, for jealousy was not a
all natural to her, and the reconciliation
was very perfect one. Cora did no
grow lstless and Indifferent after this
but when her mother came to visit he
she found, instead of the homesick wife,
very happy and contented one.-Miss c
Fl. Thayer, in The Christian at Work.
The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1884-01-23
Mrs. Stoves Check.

MIR. John p. Jewett of New York, the
original publisher of "Uncle Toms Cab
in" in recent interview with CORES
pondent of the Chicago nter-Ocean, was
asked
Chow did you come to be publisher of
"Uncle Toms Cabin ?"
81 suspect" he replied, cit was princi-
pally because l was a rabid anti-slavery
man, although the fact that had previ.
ously been publisher of book by the
Rev. Henry Ward Beecher may have had
something to do with it. After a careful
examination, 1 concluded that the story
would not only repay the cost of publ
cation in book form, but would yield
some profit. Possibly l was helped to
that conclusion by my firm conviction
that the volume would prove strong
anti.slavery document. At all events, l
expressed a willingness to publish it,
and the next thing was to arrange
the terms. Professor Stowe was in IA
vor of selling the manuscript for a sum
down. i tell wife, said he to me, 'that
if she can get good black dress or $50 in
money for the story, she had better take
it,"
EDO you believe that you could have
bought the story for $50 ?"
al believe that could have bought it
for 1875.
$50 large were the orders for the book
that, from the day | first began to print it,
eight presses never stopped, day or night
save Sundays, for six months, and ever
then there were complaints that the vol
umes did not appear fast enough. In 6
little while l was able to inform Professor
and Mrs. Stowe that their percentage
already amounted to $40, 900, and although
my contract with them required me t.
give note only, l would pay them tina
sum in cash."
elbow did they receive your informa
ton ?"
"They seemed little dazed by tn
news. The sum was 30 vastly beyont
anything they expected or had heretofore
possessed, that it appeared to them like
great fortune. When they called at my
Office handed Professor Stowe my checl
for SIC, 1000 payable to his order. Neithe
the professor nor Mrs. Stowe had ever be
fore received a check, they told me, ant
they did not know what to do with it o
how to get the money it represented.
explained to the professor that he mus
endorse the check and present it for pay
ment. 1 advised him to deposit tn
money in the same bank. We wen
thither together. introduced him t,
the president, and the professor opened
an account. After instrusting him hov
to keep his check-book and 30 on, an,
cautioning him and his wife never to G
about with more than $5 in their pockets
1 babe them good-day. and they wen
their way rejoicing. When l gave ther
a second check for $4,000 l found the
needed no further instructions"
"How many copies of Uncle Tom
did you publish 2"
"More than 100000 sets of two vo
umes each were published in the fri
year. After that the demand fell Off"
The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1884-01-23
Carlisle Presented a GaYel.

The Kentucky women sent Speaker
Carlisle gavel in the shape of George
Washington Ratchet resting on the messy
stump of tree, one side of which is COM
posed of flowers and the other of hand
painted satin. On the white satin ap-
pear these words:
May eye be keen rs blade of hatchet
When worthy members rise to catch it,
And rulings true as steel to match 1t,
All lawful business to dispatch it.
On the left of the inscription is the trump
of fame blowing out gavels, and beneath
it, on the left, a little nude George Wash
ington, Ratchet in hand, cutting down a
cherry-tree; ON his right, are a larger
Ratchet and a felled tree. In the upper
left.hand corner appear against a sky
background the dome of the capitol, with
a waning moon in the west and a rising
sun in the east. On white satin ribbon
is this inscription G. W. to the speaker
XLVIII. Congress, greeting" The card
of the donors bears this couplet
For noise use hammer end as gavel,
And blade when knots you can't unravel.
The Vermont watchman. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1883-1911, 1884-01-23

NorR-Send one dollar in postage stamps or currency
lin letter risk with size of shoe usually and
try pair Magnetic Insoles and be convinced OF
the power reading in Magnetic Appliances. Posi-
lively cold feet phere they are 1crn or money re-
funded.