Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1884-04-10
WIT AND HUMOR.

A Boston girl fell il love with a gray,
haired old man, and some of her &C,
quaintances were mean enough to say
that she has got the antique craze.
A patent has been granted in Wash.
ington for ''hen's nest" The only
wonder Is that somebody has not got 8
patent on the hen.-Phiiadelphia Cal.
A Burlington boy sent for fifty cent
watch, and received a sun-diai. He
has named it Faith" because faith
without works is dead.
A Vermont man has lost a goose
that was sail TO be 100 years old. II
has probably gone to join the Michi-
ganders.
Mrs. Murphy: "Och, it's awful, ther
paypul what's buried aloive! If l be
living whin I'm dead, Pat don't be af-
ther burying me aloiye!'
Taste in dress holds supremacy even
in the far west. A Miles City editor
wife wears red to match her husband g
nose.
"Killed at Spelling Bee," is the
heading of a sensational item going the
rounds. People will persist in wrest-
ling with words that are too hard for
them.
II know the man who pokes fun at
my visual intirmities," said the man in
spectacles. "He's chap that goes
about with an ear-trumpet and What
dye say"
A New York man has asked for di-
vorce because q muStache is sprouting
on his wife's lip. As rule, it makes
a man mad to have any mustache on
his wife's lip but his own.
The game in Wall street: "Simon
says up; Simon says down; Simon says
wiggle-waggle." His name isn't Simon,
though, and he usually says down"
Pack.
Civilization, on her luminous wings
scars in the direction of Reno, New"
says the Sacramento Bee. "Tne squaws
in that vicinity have taken to using
face powder" !"
Mrs. Brown--"And so your husband
lost his leg. Isn't it awfulP" Wife
"You may well say it. And it was only
last week that he bought a new pair of
boots-a pair, Mrs. Brown"
A Boston letter-writer says that the
publishers of the Youths Companion
paid Tennyson $1,000 for his 'new
poem" Soflening of the brain all
around.-7eras Sftings.
The word ''obey' has been stricken
from the marriage service by Canada
Methodists. This is right. The women
won't obey, and there is no use encour-
aging them to commit perjury.
The Koran says, God is with the
patient" " After the doctor is called in,
however, it often happens that the pa
tient is with his God.-B0ston Tran
script.
A Philadelphia man stopped using
gas and bought lamps instead. The
very first night lamp was upset by
the cat and the house burned down.
Moral--Don't keep cats.
Daughter-Are all men brutes, man.
map Mamma-No, my dear; but some
are. Daughtcr-Which ones are the
brutes, mamma? Mamma-The mar
ried ones, my dear.
A Utah paper uses the words ''mel-
low drama" four times in reviewing a
theatrical performance given in its
town. The critic evidently took q
mellow dram or two before he wrote
the review.
"Do birds think?" asks writer in
opening current article. If they do
we would like to know what q canary
thinks of the fat woman who stands up
in chair and "talks baby'' through
the brass wires of its cage.
The wedding service has been 50 ar
ranged that the bride responds to the
usual questions after tie groom has re-
Sponded. So we see even in the outset
of married life woman is bound to have
the last word.
Many man who would roll up his
eyes in terror ut the idea of stealing
threepenny-piece, will swoop down on
silk umbrella, worth 10s., and march
off with his lips moving peacefully, as
if in prayer.
"Yes," said Henderson, Miss Forte
plays beautifully. don't know any
thing about music myself, but know
she's splendid player, because all the
other players say her music is just hor-
rid"
The announcement is made that five
new and swift steamships are to be
added to the transatlantic lines. Every
thing seems to be working for the good
of American bank cashiers, feelingly
observes the Louisville Cour!er-Joatraal.
The girl blushed like IN 1854 sun
set as the old gentleman entered the
parlor and turned up the gas. But she
allowed it was only the result of cosmic
dust, while her fellow wore comic air
of sheepishness.
A colored minister of Kentucky, in
defending clergymen against whom
sweeping charges had been made, said:
Now, every man you see riding fast
in buggy don't own it. So every
man in pulpit is not q true preacher
called by Christ"
James, my son, take this letter to
the postotfice and pay the postage for
it." The boy James returned highly
elated and said: Father, I seed lot
of men putting letters in u little place,
and when no one was looking I slipped
yours in for nothing"
Wilmott wrote: Every year carries
away something beloved and precious
into soft and visionary twilight.
This is very true; every year about this
time we look for our rubber boots, and