The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-02-01
WIT AND HUMoR.
WORSE THAN THE BANANA-sKIN
Soon viii come good skating.
And man will rip and tear
And fly into tho mr..

hhu Inuu Will rip anu tear,
And iiy into the air
Upon the slippery grating.
The slippery grating makes man gt mcr
Puck.
A recent Texas dispatch speaks of a
man who chad been Marshal four years
during which time. he killed two Inen,
and had state reputation.
IF you can't keep awake" said a
western reform rabbi to one of his
hearers, ''why don't you take a pinch
OF snuffg" The shrewd reply was: 1.-The
snuff should be put in the sermon"
A Chinese peddler in Oregon being
offered an English shilling observed
that 1t did not bear the efligy of the
American eagle, and refused to accept it,
saying: "No good. Me heap sabe-no
chicken on him."
Two glasses of lager, it is said is
enough to make Chicago girl go to
bed with her boots on. The falsity of
this statement is manifest from the fact
that Chicago beds are not any larger
than beds elsewhere.
A Boston lad had quarrel with q
playfellow, knocked his backbone out
of adjustment and then ran into the
victims house and told his mother she
had better hurry out and look after her
son, as he guessed the boy was suffer-
ing from spinal meningitis.
A graceful writer one day wrote u
beautiful and sublime article on how
easy twas to die. But when the chol-
era morbus struck him that night, he
had four doctors called in, and the
druggist on the corner took his family
to an excursion with money paid for
the beautiful article. Tile Judge.
"Gracious, Henryr' exclaimed an
Austin lady to her husband, ''you didn't
drink all that bottle of claret alone, did
youP" "Alone darling!' replied Henry,
80, no, didn't drink it alone. / had
| just taken two toddies and rum
punch before tackled the claret."
The news comes all the way from
Atlanta, Ga, that Patti is fair and fat.
Ii Georgia had been properly recon
structed such a misrepresentation as
this would have been detected and
stamped out at once. Everybody who
has seen Patti knows very well that she
could fall through n coal hole without
cramping her shoulders or injuring her
complexion.
Dramatis Persona: Paterfamilias
and his 'Only Hope" aged II. The
latter is busy at his lessons. Only
Hope, suddenly looking up from his
books-"Pa, who was Shylockp" Pa
terfamilias, with look of surprise and
horror-''Great goodness, boy, you at
tend church and Sunday-school every
week and don't know who Shylock wasp
60 and read your bible, sir.
The theory has been advanced that
cross dog will not attack man who
lifts his hat to the animal, ''as it pre-
sents to the dogs mind the apparition
OF living creature taking himself
apart" A Norristown man met a saw
age dog yesterday and gave the theory
a practical test. 1t was not a CRAFTY
ing success. 1t took dollars worth
of court plaster to stick the man to-
gether. Some of him came apart in re-
ality, but the dog didn't seem to care a
particle. -NorriStow Herald.
~ heered on dc streets dat Sam
Johnson glib you kick las night?"
dc effec' oh it yet ''Why didn't yer
kick him back?" "Hey?" "Why didn't
yer kick him back?" ''Bekase dar was
nobody dar but us two" II don't see
no sense in dat ar" Yer don'tp Well
l does. Oar bein' only two of us pres
ent, eff had kicked him back den hit
would hab been my turn to be kicked
again right off. "
An observer says: "Always stand
wet umbrella with the handle down;
one trial will convince you of the rap
idity with which it will drain, and your
umbrella will last longer if dried
quickly" We tried that once; tried it
in a barber shop. We are fully con-
WINGED of the rapidity with which it will
drain, and if the present possessor will
kindly advise us how it is lasting we
will speak more at length of the test.
The Judge.
Answer to "Inquirer:" mo; young
ladies should never NEEDLE with Greek.
It's useless waste of time. When
girl is thrown out upon the world to
wrestle with q sewing machine or to
encounter the cold charity of a corset
factory, she cannot move the stony
hearts of her employers by chanting
passages from Eschuylus or Euripides.
AS to the second branch of the ques-
ton, it is sufficient to say that the ex-
preston, "Home Rule" was not de-
rived from Homer.
The information that Jay Gould is
simple in his tastes, aud don't like his
beefsteak brought to the table trimmed
up with ostrich feathers and point lace,
is important. The more we know about
Jay Gould the more we want to know.
If we were poor and one of his heirs,
and wanted money very badly, and had
started out of bed at night to fight bur-
glars, Jay Gould is just the man we
should want to 60 ahead of us and hold
the candle.
An illustration of the ridiculous and |
annoying manner church choir will |
sometimes run together the words of a
hymn is afforded by the remark of
small boy in one of the front pews of a
church in Boston. The hymn begin
ming, 1.-THE consecrated cross I'd bear"
had just been sung, and in the momen-