The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-03-08
The ''Tmportant Year' Man.

VI
fellow creature who, not satisfied with
having compiled the most important
| events of the past year, actually causes
patience to quit being virtue, by en-
deavoring to worry the editor into pub
fishing his statistical rubbish. He is
usually an old man and has been en-
gagged in his nefarious business from
his youth up. This retrospective genius
turns up with a tally sheet early in
January of each and every year, which
is his only redeeming trait He only
| blooms once q year, and then he fades
away for twelve calendar months. He
is not liable to happen in every day as
is the exchange fend, or the man who
wants to give you the points of funny
story that he wants you to publish.
While we propose to be little severe
with the most-important-yea man, at
the same time we will be just.
Like most bores he selects the pre-
else moment when the editor could dis
pense with his presence. He prefers
! the occasion when the editor is writing
an article on the tariff question: and
there is q pressure of one thousand
pounds to the square inch on his brain;
or when he is absorbed in disposing OF
an eleven o'clock lunch, or an irate
subscriber who had not received his
copy of the paper last week. Just at
this crisis the door opens and the i'm
portant-year man enters with bsndle
of manuscript and a sigh, the fotTaer
being under his arm.
He takes seat and spreading out his
tally-sheet, begins to manipulate his
augur about as follows:
81 would like, sir, to call yoar atten-
ton to the Importance of the year
through which we have jus, passed.
1t may not have occurred to you, sir,
but this last year was a mostimportant
year. The year that has Just rolled
away into eternity was onebf the most
disastrous, one of the mostpeculiar in
its freaks of heat and cold, that the
world ever knew. NeveI, sir, since
the retreat of Napoleon from Moscow,
was such winter experie,ced."
"What kind of coal TO you use?"
asks the editor, yawning, IS he resumes
his literary labors on the ham sandwich.
''It's not only the cold that was pc
| culiar," resumes the bore, 'but, sir,
note the death of prominent people,
elopements OF well known and highly
respectable parties, murders, floods,
fires, backward spring"
The editor wishes hi, visitor would
take a backward sprng out through
the door, but represes the incIina-
ton to say so, whiB the depraved
old scoundrel continues, pointing to his
tally -sheet.n
''Here we have t1e fruit crop de-
stroyed. We also had the hottest sum-
mer that had been Known for years.
And here, you see, is whitening
drouth, chilly winds, damp, unpleas-
ant"
yes" mighty unpleasant, inter
rupts the editor; ''it'S mighty unpleas-
ant to tell you so, my dear sir, but I'm
very busy Just now," and he begins to
disembowel the exchanges with large
pair of scissors.
ayes, [ know, but I'll not detain you
n minute, and here we have snow and
the death OF that great man, General
Goodlegrub.
long felt want. BY the way, who the
mischief was Goodlegrub?"
'Why, you surprise me. I can
vouch for the correctness of my com
pilation. General Goodlegrub is actu-
ally dead. Last year was q mostlm-
portant year.
''Did Goodlegrub owe you any money
when he died?"
Sarcasm fails on its mission, for the
much as a COW suffers when you pinch
her horn. He keeps right on, referring
to his tabular statement.
"And here we have a coal mine dis
aster."
a tell you that I"
"And-"
"Now, my friend, - replies the editor.
rising on his seat; II don't want to hear
any more of that stuff"
The eyes of the visitor protrude.
"W-h-a-t! Don't you want to publish
these valuable statistics?"
"No [ don't And now let me tell
you something else. You said last
year was the most important year on
record. Let me predict that it will be
regarded as year of plenty, compared
with this year, as far as you are con-
cerned, for if you don't indulge in that
backward spring out of that door, I'll
retire you from circulation altogether.
You will not be here next January to
record the events of the past,
"Then I'm to understand that Won
are not DESTROYS Of securing this inval
liable compilation"
'Do you want me to tell you Sc
again?'
He looked at the editor as if the as
sertion was beyond all human belief
then he quietly folds up his statistics
and replaces them, with sigh, under
his arm. There is no longer any wonde,
| in his mind why SO many newspapers
| collapse. He has had many a rebuff
but this one is the most stunning. HI
leaves, not precisely heart broken, bu
very much aggrieved. Finally the
editor of some monthly paper publishe,
the stuff, and after this he subsidies fol
q season, devoting himself once more t.
compiling fresh facts for another most
important year. He is not as much O
a bore rs the poet, or the village humor
ist, but SO far as the public is concerned
he may die at his earliest convenienc,
without creating any great public be
reavement.-1eraS SVttngS.
| A Practical DronocoI