The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-04-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

A Pennsylvania justice has married
1904 couple. and the conscience strick-
en- wretch now declines recollection to
Office.
A Frcnchman is teaching donkey
TO talk. What we want in this coun-
try is n man who will teach donkey
not 10 talk.
Says IN experienced bachelor: the
best thing to take when you 60 To kiss
a pretty grl-takc time. The more
you take the better she likes it,.
The happy father OF twins recently
sent the following message toa brother
in the West: Immense joy-wc got
twin babies to-day more hereafter.
Clara Morris has recovered from her
nervous prostration. She talked n
straight two columns (solid minion) to
a Detroit Times reporter, and now he
is ncrvously Frustrated.
What with Mr.. Barnum. Mr.. Fore
paugh and the two white elephants, the
current year presents most gloomy
outlook for the adjective department of
Webstcr's Unabridged.
Said n conscientious auctionccr:
Ladies' and gentlemen. there is no
sham about the carpets. They are gem
uine tapestry carpets. | bought them
of old Tapestry himself.
Music" said DIR. Johnson. ..is the
least disagrceable of all noises" The
learned Doctor did not know every-
thing He never lived next door to Il
cornet amateur or a piano-banging
young lady.
Perhaps no man was ever more dis
turbed by a tritle than the reporter
who, concerning the appearance of the
belle of town at a picnic. intended to
say ''shc looked an fait," and found
the types had it "she looked all feet"
AT a church sociablc at Goshen, Mo-.
Miss Dcl.and has been voted the pref
test woman in the place and Miss Day
the next handsomest. The proceedings
might have been concluded by singing
the hymns, There's De Land that is
fairer than Day. " Rochester Post-Er-
press.
The papers are telling of lawyer
who heard Macbeth" rehearsed. and
was struck by the answer of the witches
when asked what they were doing: "A
decd without Il name" 'Why, that's
void" exclaimed tho lawyer, "rll
bust Il deed without name in any
court in Christendom.
''Supe, supe,' yelled the gallery
gods. rs supernumcrary appeared
between the acts and began jerking up
the carpet. The super, an unusually
bright specimen. quickly replied:
"Well. you do look hungry. Guess the
soup societies must be shut up" The
calls suddenly subsidized. -Philatelphio
CaU
This pail bought of YOU last week."
said u customer to Deacon Gilpin
''leaked like sin the first time put
water into it," You amt been put
ting water ia that pail. have youe"
"Why. yes That's what's the mat
ter. If you'd kept flour in that pail
you wouldn't had any trouble. ~ Mar
athon Independent.
A writer on the subject of whales
says: "As has already been pointed
out there are many points In the struc-
tural organization of the cetacean Wis
cera far more like those of the ungulates
than the carnivores. Why would not
this be good subject for our Winter
debating societicsp--Ne FORT COM
merci0t advertiser.
We often see in an illustrated journal
splotch of black and white called "A
Study Ii is thus called because it re-
quires several days study to determine
whether the top or the bottom Of the
cut has got uppermOst, and the conclu-
sion generally reached is that the artist
was wrestling with the delirium ire
mems when he drew the thing. NORRIS
torn HciuU.
A funny young man asked his love
the other day: What's the difference.
between me and Il female Sheep" and
when his love gave it up. the funny
young man said: "Why. jus, the same
difference rs there j. between eve and
me- Unfortunately, his love didn't
see the joke. and now the funny man Is
vcntilating his cwenor otherwherc. --
Hdrcdrd Lampo2R.
Give INC y Telephone cigar" said
Hon. Thomas Warner. Yesterday. as
he stepped up 10 the stand at Pat
Murphy's What Kind of cigar is
thatPn inquired the unsuspicious Pat.
Zone of the kind that YOU smoke in
New York. aud they can smell in
Brooklyn. was the answer. Hon.
Thomas was carried out OF New street
in IN ambulance. - HdH street NeWS.
a tramp rang the bell of an uptown
Hat and the Irish servant responded
through the spcaking-tube: ''Who is ii.
aud phwat d'yecs WANT will yer
pleezc give u poor fcllar - drinN OF
cofiee?" called back the tramp pathct-
ically. '.Put your mouth to the thrum-
pet responded Bridget, ''and I'll
pour We down u drink" The tramp
did not reply. but departed in disgust.
---Nesc York. Tribune.
There is tradition of II Cunard cap
tain of years ago who, in his off-days.
pridcd himself on his curt replies to
inquiries. A lady on his ship asked
him civil question one day. when he
was especially cross. Don't trouble
me, ma am" was the response, ''go
ask the cook; perhaps he'll tell you.
Excuse me-" she said Instantly. II
supposed you were the cook when adj
IroecoJ you - Tho f.aptaip ,vas pnlitp