News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-08-21
CONFEDERIT Y ROADS,
,Wich is in the State NV Kentucky,)
July 30, 1884.

NJ.
CoNFEDERIT Y ROADS,
OWEN Is in the State NV Kentucky,)
July 80, 1884.
There are beins in this world wich are
constantly maxim trouble, and that feend
Joe Blgler is one NV EN-, and the cheef.
we ned called another meetin for the
purpus Nv ratifyin the nominashens,
wien we he'd doOly announst by a notiss
written by lssaker Gavitt, and posted up
In Bascum's bar-room to make shOor that
I all the DimOcrafs NV the Corners wood
see It,. sot by it day and red it to EN-,
to enshoor full attendance.
Joe Blgler happened in and red it. and
sod 1t was good idee to hev ratifica-
sten meetin. He shoodent hisself prob
bly, vote for Cleveland and Hendrix, but
it was the proper racket to hev SIGH
meetins to discuss the platforms and SIGH,
to the end NV citizens votin intelligently,
and he shood swell the meetin by BEN
present hisself.
Then L knOwed Their wood be trouble,
and L wood hev postponed the meetin
till some time when he wuz shoOr to be
away, eff | Good. But unlorchinitly l
cOoden't.
Then l begged him not to cum, but he
| insisted, He wood. He felt it to be a
relijus dooty.
''Relijus dooty !" L remarkt STATISTICAL
ly, ''what is yoor relijun?"
Il heven't got much,' sighed Josef
pensiyely. What [ hev is mostly
summed up in this: Il labor vigorously
every day with myself not to be quite ez
mean ez | know how to be. 1 shell be
there"
The mite cum, the horn WIZ tootid,
and Deekin Pogram, Issaker Gavitt and
myself took enc sustainer to help us
thro' the hour and a half we shood be in
the meetin and deprived NV sustenance,
and then went over to the meetin house.
1t was a cheerful site. Mirandy Po-
gram, assistc1 by the other Demokratic
ladies nv the Corners he'd got out the
flags and banners we hev yOosed ever
sine 1861, and he'd festoOned the walls
with EN-. There wuz the good old ban
ner under which we marched to defect
under Seymore and Mcclellan, and
Greedy. and Tilden, and Hancock. with
the same inscripshens on EN-. Death
to Abolishinists :" "Shell White VIM
min be Compelled to Marry Niggers?''
.sWhite Husbands or Nonei'' ''Shel the
Niger, wich is Best, Contaminate the
Poles Beside the White Man?" Honor
to the Confederit Braves - Them WITCH
Vote ez LinIin Votid are ez bad ez the
Goriller Hisselfl'' and various other
notices NV like nacher.
Ard on the wall in the place NV honor
wuz the identikle rifle with witch that old
saint, Deekin Pogram, bushwhacked
Fedrel pikkits at mite. after he he'd bin
sellin watermelons all day. The Cor
ners prize that rife, and it is alluz deko-
rated when we hey DmOkratic meetins.
One advantage NV bein a Dimekrat at
the Corners is we don't change at all
The banners we marched under in 1861 dc
iist as we'll for us now, for we are COR
stantly fitin the old fife over again, anC
alluz will till deth do us part.
l assoomed the chair and Issaker GAY
lit took the Secretary's table, er 01lSh0
and made the spsech as yoosual.
| commenst an elaborate discushin ny
the platform NV the party, and wuz git
plank, when Joe Bigler riz and interuptit
me. | knew the cuss wood do it and my
, heart went down into my boots.
l Il beg pardon,n said Josef, for inter
= ruptin the elokent speaker and wooden
2 do it, only desire to assist him in eloo
= sidatin the eggsact meenin Nv the plat
form, over witch, | understand, there he
bin sum trouble. Eff there is anything
on earth wich shood be cleer and we'll dc
g fined. so cleer that he who runs ma
5 read, it is the platform NV principles IL
a CRATE party. 1t shood be so clear tina
the humblest intelleck should know eggs
I actly wat is meut by it. and wat ther
I witch stand on it propose to do about il
, TO the end nv havin a plane an
G cleer interpretashen NV this tariff plank
o it okkurred to me. when L WIZ over
SeceshunYille, to go to the highest at
; thority on the subject witch is Mr.. Bal
mum, the Chairman of the Nashnel Din
f ekra5ic Committy. Eff any body on cart
: ought to know what the platform mear
. it is Barnum, isn't it?'
The meetin all yelled ''yes." when j
SET went on.
# Il may as well menshun that l a
= soomed the name Nv our esteemed fren
o Issaller Gavitt, and telegraphed thus:
To Win. II. Barnum, Cheerman NV Il
Nashnel Dimokratic Committee:
docs the DimekraGc platform meC
perfection or free trade?
it IsSAKER GAYITT, ManyOOfaktrer.
IS The anserI reserved wuz entirely sa
% isfaktry. 1t red thus:
# To Issaker Gavitt, Manyoofaktrer
= The tariff plank in the DimeIratic plG
form mcens tariff reform with a tendent
to the perteckshun NV American lab
f.. by impOsin heevy doOties on the mango
\ fakters ov the bloatid Briton. Bare dow
- hevy on the pertechshun tendency amor
81 yoor operatives.
lg w. II. BARNUM, Cheerman.
+ Issaker, wich hez a small interest in
B. tollin mill, riz to his feet and yelled,
rs knowed it! | knowd iC! Wv course
~, want tariff reform, bnt the platform is
~ in the direkshun Nv perteckshuu. He
IT. ray!"
of Il shood also state,' continyood Jos
O. ''that when | returned to the Corner
+ telegrapheG once more to Mr.. Barnum
- be shoor that | had not misundersto
=; him, only yoosed the name NV our elk
ld Iy esteemed friend. Deekin Pogram. III
W. wuz my second dispatch:
We "What is the eggsact meenin NV t
tariff plank in the DimoEratic platforl
| ask ez sufferin Dimekrltic agric
ed toorist, i'll farmin seckshun.
", DEEKIN SETH POGRANI
al The anser cum back very promptly ::
To Deekin Seth Pogram:
The tariff plank in the Dimokratic pl
las form is entirely explicit. 1t meens t
.er if reform with an uncompromisin leel
ID toward free trade and the rite to b
goods in England Or elsewhere, whe
ever 700 kin buy EN- the cheapest. B;
"a, down heavy on the free trade tender
r. among your oppresst agricultoo
of friends. w. Ii. BARNUM,
NV Cheerman
II know'd i'll know'd it!' SHREK
the good old Deekin. '.Hooray! we
er, a platform witch meens free trade!"
is Sum trooble ensood. Issaker sw,
or that the dispatch sent to the Deekin V
- bogus, and the Deekin swore that
'aS dispatch sent to Issaker wuz bogus.
both he'd the platform red to Elm and IL
be both bed constrood it.
Issaker denounced the Deekin ez
id ass; for" said he, docs not r
INT dali, NV Pennsylvania, accept the pI
IAN form, and isn't a Pertectionist?"
mr. I'D ass, yerself," retorted the D
kin. docs not Watterson, and CarliS
and Morrison, and Hurd all accept
o" and amt they rabid Free Traders?''
wO An then ez those two Dimokrats v
ars THROWN mud'a each other the NEE
nm broke up in row, and Joe Bigler rol
~, off latin, remarkin that lie waz sorry
-" the disturbance, but he wantid the p
Ihe form cleerly defined and he didn't KIN
las how else to git cleer enunshiashen
mo wat it ment than by telegraflin
of Cheerman NV the Dimokratic Nash
COmmitty. He shoOd immejitly perez
en- to tnleUrafF more nv em soon and w,
for hey ansers by the time the Dimocrisy
the Corners wanted to ratify agin.
,o. Eff the good Lord in his inlinit me
-. wood only take Joe Bigler to his bum
aC Good get along wild the Dmocricy he
me He never appeers upon the surfiS With
rs. maxim trouble,
JTo ou1 that TSp1lOpl- frop, IIlipO,y