Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-05-07
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

C6nUIy Sa1Q, L pau ACA AOuAs AAc'AAAANA'N'
Was that right?"
THIS is about the time of year that the
CITY man thinks he would like to own a
place in the country, and make fortune
in few years by training dried-apple
vines to climb bean poles. Chicago
San.
stYEs," said the tramp mournfully.
''my father cut me off with shilling,
and it was a good deal of money, too,
although L didn't think so at the time. .
Philadelphia Cali.
THEY were boasting of their beautiful
figures. One said her figure wasn't like
figure l, anyhow; and the other re-
torted that hers wasn't like figure s,
figare-eightively speaking.
FOND wife to forgetful husband: ''Did
dear?" Dear thinks he has and hands
out three, all given him at different
dates by fond wife to mail.
THINGS have come to such pass, re-
marks the Philadelphia Call, that even
the milk of human kindness is badly
adulterated. Compositors please be sure
and not spell Call with Ct.
s'YoU see this passage is marked s. "
said the teacher; so means forte, and
it means to sing it louder" "Forty
means louder, does it, asked the pupil.
eyes" 'sThen when its marked forty
it should be sung like sixty."-O1 City
Derrick.
mildred, dear" said Amy to the
high school girl yesterday, ST am laying
theropes for new silk dress. s'Not 'lay-
ing your ropes Amy" replied Mildred,
''but extending your flaments. oil
City Derrick.
A YOUNG lady who went into shop to
buy pair of gloves for her young man,
couldn't remember what the size of his
hand was. She knew, however, that he
wore fourteen and half collar, if the
clerk could tell anything by that.
By slip of the pen, we presume, a
Western editor recently wrote and pub
hshed the following item of notorious
criminal: ellis sins at last found him
out and brought him his reward. He
is now serving term in the state Leg
islature."
4 GUEST at a GAINESVILLE restaurant
called sharply to the waiter: "Iake
these fried oysters away ; they are
spoiled" ct guess you's right, boss"
he replied. ST gave 'em to three other
chaps before you, and they said the
same thing"
"Do birds Think" asks a writer in
opening current article. If they do,
we would like to know what a canary
bird thinks of the woman who stands up
In chair and "talks baby" through
the brass wires of the age.-Pr0Ui-
dence Star.
ssHow in the world did they happen
to name you Susannah?" asked Mrs. In
terrogationpoint. Greatly, I don't
know how precisely, replied the young
lady, very demurely: shut I suspect it
was because happened to bea girl. p
Boston Transcript.
FEMALE Communist-tsAn' If We had
all the money in the world divided, Pat,
what wud We do wild your share?" Male
Communists pend it like brick,
Nora avick." Female Communist
'sAnd what wud We do then, Pat?" Male
ommunist-"Shar all the money
over again, av coorse.
CUSTOMER: Show much are these
eggs dozen?" ''Dwenty-fve cents"
replied the German grocer. "Why,
how's that? Jones sells them at twenty
cents" "Und w don't you buy Nv
Jones. den?" because he hasn't any
this morning" 'sVen, I will sell dem
for twenty, too, ven I don't got any"
st AN much struck-that is to say,
pleased with the Widow Black" said a
young curate to his Bishop, "and L
think I'll propose marriage to her. !"
$50 would, answered the elder d.
vine, with merry twinkle in his eye,
''and next Sunday I'll come down and
preach for you on the widows smite. ,
A COUNCIL BLUFFS editor made ar
engagements to hear an Italian opera by
telephone, and was delighted with the
evenings performance. He was not SO
we'll pleased, however, to read III rival
paper next morning that the people at
the telephone Office s'set up job" and
entertained him with their own vocal
gymnastics and execution on a mouth
organ.
EXPERIENCE may be dear teacher, F"
remarked minister as the contribution
box was returned to him empty, ''but
the members of this particular flock who
have experienced religion have accom-
plished it at a very trifing cost. The
choir will please sing the seventy-nlntn
hymn, emitting the first, third and
fourth verses, in order to save unneces-
sary wear and tear On the organ. y
Philadelphia Call.
"MY DEAR" said a wife to her hus-
band on his return from his Office,
s'just see what beautiful little pug dog
have been presented with p The hus-
band looked at it for moment, and then
sorrovfully remarked: SIT is very pref
ty, but you must return it to the donor.
ssWhy SO ?" demanded the wife in great
disappointment. Because, my DEAR
he replied. ''our means will not enable
us to live up to it. Philadelphia Coll.
TIE hungry tramp is already begin
ming to creep out of his winter hiding
place, and the roads and lanes will soon
be full of him. The best way to treat
him is to starve him out this month ;
make the way of his pilgrimage an aw-
fully hungry one for him and he will not