davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12
Doing q Smart Thing.


A few days ago an eminent citizen OF
Detroit, or at least one eminent enough
10 own q seven dollar umbrella, left the
article in a store on Gratiot Street and
some one gobbled it. Eminent citizen
was thoroughly indignant, and he went
to detective to see what could be done.
As there was no clew to pick up and
follow TO success, the detective could
do nothing. All of sudden bright
thought occurred to the loser, and next
day an advertisement appeared rs fol-
lows:
"Thc man who took that silk umbrel-
la from store on Gratiot Street last
Thursday will save himself trouble by
returning il, as he is known"
Eminent citizen was chuckling over
his smartness when man dressed like
a laborer and having an umbrella care
fully tied up in paper entered the Office
and said:
$50 you knew me, ehp"
"Yes, SIR" was the prompt reply.
Somebody must have seen me take
it and told youP"
"Yes, that was the way"
"What would you have done if
hadn't shown upP'
Secured n warrant and made il hot
for you''
"Well give me a receipt and III
leave it and never try to get away with
another mans umbrella"
Areceipt was written and passed over,
and the man seemed SO contrite that he
was handed q half dollar besides. 1t
was full half day before the parcel
was unwrapped for look at the UNI
brella, and then eminent citizen kicked
up a row to alarm the whole building.
The umbrella was old, faded, rib-brokcn
and worthless. and it was evidently n
put up job to take the smartness out of
a man who thought he had hit it.-De.
tyon Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12
PITH AND POINT.

Mrs Suddnriches has her butter
stamped with the family coat-of-arms,
and she says the die. made in lockwood,
cost twenty-five dollars. Fortunately
the butter she uses Is strong enough to
kold tn Y Times.
When Mrs. Homespun read that
Mary Anderson had abandoned "The
Hunchback," she remarked: "You
can't really blame her. 1t would have
been too bad for pooty gal like her ia
marry hunchback. "-Boston Post.
"A professor who recently tried tc
mesmerizo bull by gazing fixedly at
the ferocious beast has just recovered
from the effects of his involuntary
nrial navigation, and has quite LOST
faith In the power Of the human eye over
brutes.
There is an old proverb which says
you can not get more out of bottle
than was put in it," This is q mistake.
A man can get oil that was put in the
bottle and In addition to this can get
ten dollars or thirty days. --Indianapo.
lis Journal
1t is in Western city that barber
announces himself as "a professor oil
crinicultural abscission and crainiolog.
ical tripsis, tonsorial artist, physiognical
hair-dresser, facial operator, Uranium
manipulation and capillary abridger. ~
Boston Transcript.
Wisconsin reports hail-storm
which knocked the horns off steer,
but that is nothing; Pennsylvania had
hail-storm last summer which split
the top crust of pic baked by Vassar
College girl who is known to the para
grapher Of the Philadelphia Call.
"A little girl sat on the floor, crying
After while she stopped and seemed
buried in thought. Looking up sudden
ly, she said mamma, what was
erwin aboutp" because l wouldn't
let you go down town" "Oh yes" {"
and she set up a howl.-Arkdnsa,o
Traveller.
"A big Yankee from Maine, on pay
ing his bill in London restaurant, was
told that the sum put down didn't In.
cludc the waiter. "Wal," he roarcd,
"I didn't eat any waiter; did ~" He
looked as II he could, though; and there
was no further discussion. ~ y
Graphic.
On the edge Of small river in tho
County of Cavan, in Ireland, there Is
(or used 10 boz stone with the follow
ing inscription cut upon it, no doubt
intended for the information of strangers
travelling that way: IN. B.-When this
stone is out of sight it is not safe to ford
the river"
The following Is Artemas Wards
description of why he courted Betsey
Jane: "Thcre were many affectin' ties
which made me banker after Betsey
Jane. Her fathers farm Joined ourn
their cows and ourn squenched their
thirst at the same spring; our old mares
both had stars in their forreds; the
measles broke out in both families at
nearly the same time; our parents
(Betsey james and minc) slept regular
ly every Sunday in the same meotin'-
house, and the nabors used to obsarve:
How thick the Wards and Peasles air. '
II was sublime sight in the spring Of
the year TO see our several mothers
(Betsey's and minc) with their gowns
pinned up so that they couldn't sle 'cfn,
effeckshunitely bilin' soap together and
aboosin' their nabors. ~
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12
A Woman OF the Day.

At the Waverley the other day, rs IL
Is reported, a man from st. Louis was
introduced to woman living in New
York, and though he did not remember
her name her face seemed familiar. He
told her so, and, after more converse
ton, he was more and moro confident
that he had met her before. He drubbed
his memory for some time, TO no pur-
purpose, and finally concluded that it
was an accidental resemblance to some
forgotten friend. When he had said
this she laughed, and remarked "You
are right in your surmises. You have
met me before. l used to be friend
of yours"
He-Indeedp Where have we metz
She-At the altar.
Heat the altarP What altarP
She-The nuptial altar.
He-Absurd.
She-Yes; it may have been absurd,
out it is fact, nevertheless Don't you
know meP used to be your wife.
He-But your name is Mrs. Simp-
kins.
She-Yes; Simpkins is the name OF
my last husband.
Hollow many husbands have you
hadp
She-Since left youp
He-Yes since / left you.
She-Only three,
He-Your hair was black whom -
when-we concluded to dissolve. Now
1t is yellow.
She-Dye!
He-You were formerly slight. Now
you look rather-rather-s
She-So / am. weigh 10 pounds,
and am rapidly increasing. Simpkins
doesn't worry me as much as YOU did.
Content makes flesh. Anything more'
He-Your face is prettier than re-
member it. Your complexion has i'm
proved.
he-Glad you appreciate my art. No
woman of the world has any excuse for
being plain. Good looks are purchas-
able nowadays.
He-You are an extraordinary woman.
She Not at all. am only woman
of the day. Now let rue question you O
while. Have you been married again
He-Yes.
She-How many timesp
He--Twicc.
She-Aro You husband nowp
He-No; I am widower.
Shc-What pity!
He-It is sad.
Sho--I don't mean that mean tha,
it is pity you wero deprived of the fun
of getting another divorce. I like It,
don't you? Are you engaged againP
He-Not yet. In fact, my last wife
died only month ago. Some respect
must be paid.
She Very true. But don't be In
haste. Keep disengaged a while longer
Simpkins is in Egypt. They have the
cholera there, YOU know, very badly,
No one can tell what may happen.
shall have letters from Egypt in three
days. Wait little. We might agree
better next timo.-Atlanttc city IN j.
Cor. Chicago Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

The story came from Paris that a
lady who attended four churches in
one day missed her umbrella OH re.
turning home. She Immediately re.
visited all four churches and found
her umbrella in the last one. When
the umbrella was handed to her she
thankfully said to the sexton: "The
people at this church are much more
honest than those at others"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

81 am very sorry" said the illustrat.
ed lecturer, "but my slide represent
ing the greatest ruin of the age has
been broken" One of the audience
rose and said that he had seen the
editor of the county paper there, be.
fore the lights were turned down, and
had no doubt that he would serve for
a small fraction of the proceeds
Burlington Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

1t was a fremen's parade headed
by brass band. As they turned the
corner, Gus Cesar, who was holding
up hitching post, spelled out the
letters, "E. P-l-u-r-i-b-u-s U-n.u-m,"
painted on the head Of the big drum.
"Now, Jake, wha-whats thatp" he
asked of a lank negro standing under
the awning with his mouth open.
Don't you know nufinf" was the
reply. Cant you read? OATS de
name oh de man wot made the drum"
Life. a
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

The pessimist who wrote "This
world is but a feeting show" doubt
less drew his deduction from the fact
that the only circus which came to
his town passed through without stop
ping.-New York journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

"If it wasn't for your grey hairs
I'd give you sound thrashing,"
angrily exclaimed q man who had
been requested to pay his board bill.
"Never mind the gray hairs" answer
ed the hotel keeper, "you just consider
me twenty-five and sail in" The bill
was paid.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12
Brought to the Verge Of Suicide.

A special to the New York lforni,o
Journal from Snowshoe, Pa, says that
John Gunner attempted suicide. He is
lumberman, and for q long time has
been tormented by avicious odor, which
followed him everywhere. and caused
him to grow moody, and resulted in the
alienation of his family He took ND
quarters in an old hovel and rarely
spoke to any one. His hair had grown
gray from continually brooding over
his troubles. and from 180 pounds ho
had fallen to 1923 pounds. About eight
o'clock he entered the woods with the
intention of hanging himself, and after
throwing of his coat, he said his
prayers and went to pine tree short
distance away and began to make
preparations for his own destruction.
After few moments he found the
smell had ceased. He could scarcely
believe his senses, and on his going
back to tho spot where he had left his
coat, his nostrils were again infected
with the pernicious odor. IL then oc-
Cured to him that the smell cmanated
from the coat, and cutting it open he
found the decaycd body of largo
mouse. He at once changed his mind
and returned home. The family Is
again reunited He had worn the same
coat during the entire period of his
persecution, and, al is common In the
lumber regions, haS slept in it while
camping out.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

There is something exquisitely cool
in a Yankees reply to the Europe
an traveller, when he asked him
if he had just crossed the Alps -
"Wall, now you call my attention to
the fact, / guess / did pass risin'
ground. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

The man who is most strongly op-
posed to horizontal reduction is the
young fellow in the new trowsers, who
slipped down in the middle Of the
street just as he was about tippling
his hat to a 100000 heiress.--Rock
land Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

An experienced married man of
Plattsburg says: "If there is one time
more than another when a woman
should be entirely alone, it is when a
full line of clothes comes down in the
mud" Rome Sentinel.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Lambkin says the only sure cure
preventive against western rivers ris-
ing would be for him to own few
shares in 'em.-Boston Commercial
Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Heinrich Heine wrote that "the
men of the past had convictions" ,"
from which we may infer the land
was not ovcrrun by murderers in those
days.-Cincinnati Commercial Ga
zette
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Dogs are not admitted" That's
not my dog" responded Gilhooly.
"But he follows you" "Well, so do
YOU" The sexton growled and re-
moved the animal with unnecessary
violence.-Christian at Work.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

"Do you want the ring fourteen or
eighteen carat'" said the jeweler to
the customer. "Oh, l don't carat all.
This is the third woman I've married
and | amt very particular. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

To deacon caught by his minister
coming out of saloon there is moth
ing so consoling as a sign, "Hot Beef
Tea," on the saloon window.-Chica-
90 Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

When a man declares he does not
want an office, and keeps on declin-
ing, when 10 real mention has been
made, put him down as candidate.
F-Arkansas Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

A French dramatist makes one of
his characters in recent play declare
that he is "holding up the trowsers of
dispair with the braces Of hope"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

When you see a counterfeit coin
on the sidewalk, pick it up. You are
liable to arrest if you try to pass it.
Chicago Tribune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

= Miss Augusta A. Wells, of Belfast,
Me-, Is the possessor of silver-plate
over two hundred years old, IL having
been in the possession of the family
since the landing Of the pilgrims at
plymouth. 1t Is handed down from one
gcnei alton to another as an heirloom.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

London Society discusses the qucs-
ton why buttons are placed on the
back of a coat, and says ''the only rea-
son for the existence of these two but
tons Is that they are n survival OF the
time when they were of use, when men
buttoncd back the long flaps of their
coats in order to walk more freely, or
found them useful in sustaining their
sword belts"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

"This is new figure for the Ger
man." said Hans, when he was fined
$50 for selling beer without license.
Boston Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

A Cleoptra's needle should be set
up to mark the floods. 1t would soon
be full of Ohioroglyphics.-
Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

The "last" fraud-a cheap boot.
Mining Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12
Advertising Rates.

3usines. Cards. one year, dollar for every ines
local Notices ten cents per line for each nsortion
.ad all notices continued for three months or longer
. discount OF rs per cent.
Advertisements unaceompanied by verbal or written
directions will be published three months.
Advertiseme ents under contract, ordered out DO
Pre- expiration of time will be charged full rates
40 paper discontinued until all srreorsges are paid
sJoept at the option Of the publisher
Transient advertisements must be paid In adTanos
xSrerms CASH, payable quartefiy.
Only Metal Cuts Inserted
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Wet weather will influenza man
when nothing else will.-Texas Sift-
ings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

The pink of politeness is something
that does not wash off.-New Orleans
Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

Balloon crazy cricketer.-N.
Y. journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Drawing room cars on morning and evening trains
between Bay City and Detroit, extra charges only
25 cents ,,. $1,000 -
Night express east runs Sunday night instead OF
saturday All other trains daily except Sunday.
SANFORD keller, Sup't
W. ID. HITCHCOCK,
Ticket Agent, Alpena, Mich.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

A telegraph editor must be wiry
fellow, and his extensive dealings with
the electric spark ought to make him
sparkle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Rolling stock-cattle trains pitch
ed down an embankmsnt.-N. Y
Commercial Advertiser.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-03-12

Powder is like money. It's awful
hard to hold after it begins to CO.
Burlington Hawkeye.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05

Alderman G. o. Patier is in Hot
SPRING. Ark, for his health.
Ice, wosd and kindling, at City Brew
cry, Jacob Kee. tt
Three cases of d unkenness and two of
disorderly were attended to by Magistrate
Comings in his official capacity yesterday.
Several hundred old papers, exchanges,
for sale at THE BULLETIN Office. If
Mr.. Frank G.. cher and Miss Emma
Lee, daughter Of Henry Lee, were married
last night by Magistrate Comings at his
Office.
We are still ready to sell our entire
stock of clothing. G)ld3tine & Rosenwater
If
MIR. and Mrs. Oser, recently married
by Father Murphy, OF It. Patrick's church,
have gone to Indianap lis to live. Their
friends here will wish them every joy
in their new home.
Full stock and complete sample book
of wedding invitations, ETC., just received at
The BULLETIN job office, No. 70 Ohio
Levee. If
Union City imposes a fns of not less
than five nor more than fifty dollars upon
Q person who kills another within the city
limits, unless it shall be proven that no did
so in self-defense.
We have new numbering machine,
numbers to 100000. Merchants and
Others who want checks, orders or tickets
numbered, can be accommodated at The
BULLETIN ofice at low rates. If
The SUPREME court of this state has de.
cided t. city has a right to tax occupa.
tions or c1y line of business. Tho case
was taken u by the proprietor of Chica-
60 livery stable, who kicked against paving
a city license.
A St. Louis Republican reporter inter.
viewed Hon +. f. Albright, Of Murphys
boro, some days ago and IN late issue q,
that paper makes the positive sta'emen,
that "Mr. Albright will be a Democrat,
candidate for congress next fall"
"A fire at Sandusky Sunday evenin,
about s O'Clock destroyed six frame house
or about half the buildings in the place
HpS il was started was not known her
ertay. The houses belonged respectiv.
ly 10 Mr.. Henry l.Gnlsacker, Mr.. Charlie
II almond, Mr.. r.'tick Sullivan and Nj
McRaven. The d: 81 named had grocer
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
HAZEL KIRKE

This celebrated play will again be pre-
sentcd in this city Feb. It'll, by the Madi-
son Square Theatre Company. Hazel
kiTke has been played so often and is 90
we'll known to the theatrical public that it
is useless to mention it further. The extra
Ordinary run of this extraordinary piece has
attained the still more extraordinary sage
of over tAree thousand consecutive perform-
auces, and proves conclusively that the pub.
lie in,eresr in the play does not show the
least sign Of abatement.
In this connection friend of ours, and
for loeg time an ardent admirer of Miss
Hszel Ki'ke, has sent the following acrostic
for publication:
How oIt orr hearts are strangely stirred,
A simple fow'r or earnest word.
Zeal.given bg kind, thoughtful friend,
Effects its ME 'on-a godsend-
Lifelong is re It's loving work.
Kind friends, ~ had this thought in view,
In presenting this famous play here for you,
Right we'll its theme 50 pure and clear,
Keeps charming all who see AMI hear
Emotions true 10 HAZEL KIRKE.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
Latest Dispatches.
$4,000, 900 C..l n,,,.. E.,.,,,,...


La SALLE, Ia, Feb. 4.-Extensivs coal
mining operations have been carried on In
this vicinity for . number Of years, but .
coal business which bids far to eclipse
everything else Of like character is now
developing. The company engaged in the
enterprise is chartered for capital of 49,.
OOo 900, and the men concerned are credit.
ed with having the money. The coal I'm
DERIVING twenty square miles has been pur.
chased and paid for and borings are now
being made In different parts Of the tract,
which lies principally In Bureau county,
but partly In La Sale sad north of the
Illinois river, for the purpose Of dstsrmln.
Ing the best points a which to sink shafts.
The magnitude Of the osal purchase can be
realized by figuring the available product
at 10000 tons to the acre. 1t amouts to
5000, 900 tons. Branch roads from the
Illinois Central and Chicago, Rock Island
and Pacific. both of which touch the tract,
have been laid out and will be constructed
In short time,
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
A Hasty Divorce.

ROCKFORD, Ill.,, Feb. 4. 1T Is now re-
ported that Mrs. Robert +. Porter was
granted divorce on Saturday afternoon
within few hours Of fling her bill. The
document simply charged base dessrtion,
but the attorney informed the Court that
other women were In the case, and that she
could cover other charges In the bill II he
saw fit. All interested refuse to talk, but
deputy clerk Little fully admitted the do.
cree had been granted.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05

FRANFoRr, KY, Feb. A.-Matters DO.
llticaliy remain unchanged so far
aud with Carlisle 10 the race q deadlock
will snsue. There are some few who say
q nomination will DO made, hut my pencil
will not figure that way. Williams men
claim that the appearance OF Carlisle In the
clover patch will NOT lessen their chances.
Blackburn's followers are still serene.
Carlisle's army 10 confident. Those mem.
b rs who left for their hopes on Saturday
night are. all on hand again aud
there is great anxiety to know what the
caucus will bring forth,
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
saved the Expense Of Hanging.

RACINE, WIS.,, Feb A.-Andrsw John.
son, young Dane, dissipated In bis habits
and enamored with q young girl Of IL
named Bertha Brassman, yesterday en-.
tered a restaurant where the latter was
employed. The girl, seeing him enter the
place, remarked: az don't want any thing
more to do with you." johnson seized
the cir by the shoulders, and drawing q
revolver fred. the shot striking the girl In
the breast, and as she turned be shot her
again In the back. Then he put the pistol
to his heart, fred aud expired In.
SANITY,
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05

scene and captured three men, who gave
their names as Jim Burnes, VIM. White.
sides and--Reiliy, In the act Of cracking the
safe, containing about $500 In cash. About
ten minutes more would have suhiced for
the completion Of the job, as they had 81.
ready drilled through the safe when sur.
prised by the presence Of the officers. They
had complete kit Of burglars tools. Jim
Burnes Is said to be brick contractor, and
to have contract to build n Jail at Clarks.
vile, Tex, for $50, 600. Reilly and White.
sides have been in the city for some time.
claiming TO be In the employ Of the rail.
road
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
FUNERAL NOTICE.

Funeral services Of Thomas Marion will
be held this (foesdayy afternoon at two
O'Clock, at the residence of his step.father,
Philip Brown. Special train will leave
foot of l4th street for Villa Ridge at halt
past two. Friends of the family are in
gited to attend
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
Sucklen's Arulca Saive

- Best Salve n the world for Cuts,
SEES Sores, Ulcers, Salt Rheum, Fever
-, letter, Chapped Hands, Chllblains,
a,no, and all Skin Eruptions, and positively
cures Piles. 1t ID guaranteed to give per-
,oc, satisfaction, or money refunded. Price
% cents per box. For sale by Barclay
Brothers.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
Base ball In HoOsfar dom.

INpIASAPoLIs, IND, Feb. "A meet.
Ing is called Tor this city Of representatives
Of base ball organizations Of Indiana 10
form . state base bali league, al Organise.
uon to protect players Of non .leasue clubs
In the State and to arrange series Of games
" the State cbstnpiosship.
The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1884-02-05
Millions Given Away.

MIIIIUUS UIVUH hWuy'
Millions of bottles of DR.. Kings New
Discovery for Consumption, Coughs and
Colds, have been given away as trial bottles
of the large size. This enormous outlay
would be disastrous to the proprietors, were
it not for the rare merits possessed bv the
wonderful medicine. Call at b 'ay
Bros Drug Store and get trial bottle
free, and try for yourself 1t never fails to
cure. (j)