Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1884-09-03
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

AN independent bolt every man for
himself during railroad restaurant
rush at meal time New York Jour
nal.
Mr.. SMITH "Jones, I don't object to
music, but when that dog of yours parks
all night then / think it q little too
much" 9Then you don't appreciate
Offenbach." Life.
A NEW form of duel has lately been
adopted in Mexico. The aggrieved
party challenges his opponent to ride
on the Mexican Central Railroad
Rochester Post Express.
In attempting to kiss sVassar Col
lege girl, last Sunday, New York man
got his mustache mixed up with her
chewing-gum He now ekeeps a stiff
upper lip Paris Beacon.
TIM1D GUEsT-Can you tell me,
please, is their an elevator in this hotel?
Old Stager-I should think so!
Lots of them. Can get one down at
the bar for ten cents. Set 'em up?-
Judge.
IRON water wells in this country are
not SO numerous as they were before
steel-springed hoopskirts went out of
fashion. A key OF nails put in we'll,
however, will produce the same result.
| -[Picayune.
WELL, WE'LL" said old Mrs. Gumbo,
as she laid down her morning paper.
$50 they've rescued poor old Greeley
alive! I do hope that Horace'u take
hold of the Tribune again and edit it
sensibly like housed teri"
A YOUNG mother travelling with her
infant child writes the following letter
to her husband at home: I'VE are all
doing frst-rate and enjoying ourselves
very much. We are in fine health.
The boy can crawl about on all-fours.
Hoping the same can be said of you, I
remain, etc"
EMMA ABBOTT has been singing
"Home, Sweet Home," to the convicts
in Pennsylvania prison. This is al
most as touching as the effort of a
church organist who played II Am
Pirate King" while the deacon was tax.
ing up the collection. detroit Jour-
nal.
ScENE-Table d'hote at fashionable
hotel on Deeside; big market day.
Farmer of the old school has dined..
Waiter: "Finished, sir?" Farmer:
Eats the chairgea" Waiter: "Five
shillings, please" Farmer startled:
"Five shillin's? Weel, I'm nae deem
yet." Resumes operations.-[B ailie.
BLUNKN and his wife had been in
dulging in family discordance, and
finally Mrs. B. exclaimed: "Well, I've
got my opinion of any man who talks
ike you do" ~Oh, have you? Well,
you can keep it, if you want to-" mo,
| I can't either. It's so awfully bad al
ready that it won't keep Merchant
Traveller.
IT is always we'll to be wen-informed.
She-@Who's my sisters partner, VISA
Wis with the star and ribbon?" He
"Oh, he ar-he's -Sir-dear me,
I forgot his name-but, you know, he
went somewhere or other to look after
that scientific feller-what was his
name?-you know, who was lost or some
hing, or else killed by some one!"-
London Punch.
ENTER Bridget with ten-by-twelve
mirror, from which part of the quick
silver has been scratched, in her hands,
and the pallor of mortal fear on her
countenance. ooh, if ye phase, mum,
the board fell off the back of this, and
see it was all covered with frost, but
whin went to scrape it off, sure and it
showed me hand instead of me face.
This country is too cowld for me in
toirely."- Harper's Bazaar.
The following notes of speech re-
Gently delivered in Dublin are not with
out interest. Speaking on the much
vexed Irish land question the speaker
said: "The country is overrun by alb
sentee landlords" and after peroration
delivered from the tub on which he was
standing, he said: II tell you the cup Of
old Ireland's misery is OVERLOOKING, aye,
and it's not full yeti Pail Mall Ga
zette.
AwoMAN will calmly leave the cover
of jar containing ground coffee open
when she knows the air will take the
strength out of it. But she will never
leave the stopper out of bottle con-
tanning perfume she bought in Paris
last summer. Any one sending us a
correct solution of the whyforeness Of
the thusly will receive, by retarn mai,
the cornet used by Washington to blow
his fire at Valley Forge Puck.