Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1884-09-17
WIT AND ,HUMOR.
An old yellow dog in Cologne.
Ran away with an old womans poghe'


And no smile on sunny wing,
It's fight DER her features took,
Because on her dazzling engagement ring
Her sisters wouldn't look.
In New Orleans the sand-bag is used
to stop gaps in the levee; in Chicago TO
make gaps in society.
The proper question to ask q young
woman who is about to elope IS,
'.Does your mother know your route!'
A young man with pair OF hand
painted suspenders generally ilnds
room too warm to work in with his
cont on.
N,w Mexico is elated over the dis
covery of a mountain of alum in the
western part of the, territory. The peo-
pie should prepare to quicker.
Grace: 81 am going to see Clara to-
day. Have you any message?' Dora:
81 wonder how you can visit that
dreadful girl! Give her my love-"
In Armenia girls are married when
12 years old. In this country at that
age they are too busy buying candy
and making faces at the boys to think
of matrimony.
One young man said, to another: 1T
is long way from this world to tho
next. ~ N"Oh, never mind, my dear fell
low," said the other; you'll have it all
down hill.'
Another Waterloo veteran is dead.
We are not sure how many Waterloo
veterans still live, but if Napoleon had
half of them in his army he would have
won the fight.
An article containing q dozen hints
on how to take care of horse Is going
the rounds of the press, but there is
not one hint as to how to get the horse
-Morristoao's Herald.
The human is supposed to be far
more intelligent than the brute crea-
ton, and yet ordinarily the street-car
horse answers the bell much quicker
than tho servant-girl will.
"Shall take your love to your dear
mother?" said lady visitor who was
going to see the mother in question to
q little child of 8 years. 'She has my
love-" was the quaint reply. ..#
sis this singing doll?" asked she
of the clerk. Eyes, Mademoiselle."
..How do you make it sing?" Just as
YOU would any other young lady"
GLOW is thatP" by pressing it." 90"
The ..Sweet Singer of Michigan" has
made Oscar Wilde" rhyme with ''fos-
ter child" This is little more credit
able than her attempt to rhyme "con-
sanguinity'' with claws a'massy," but
not much. g..
.Is your mother IMP" asked a visitor
of a little Mormon boy, who opened
the door. mo, ma am" the little boy
replied, with tears in his eyes Che had
just been spanked, } "but my brothers
mother is in"
Mr.. George w. Childs, the owner
and editor OF the Philadelphia Ledger,
has his office, like most other editors,
away back, up stairs, where he is not
easily found. But it is q curiosity shop,
filled with bric-a-brac. .-..-
A woman has finally been admitted
to practice law in Connecticut, and the
country can lean back and take rest
for o few weeks. We didn't know there
was any law in that state, but maybe
she can find some somewhere. -Detroat
Free Press.
"Do you suppose eating angel cake
will make an angel of me?' asked q
seraphic young lady of the worldly
Young man. s.I've no bought it will, !"
he answered, .'if you will only eat
enough of it." Then she gigglod, and
said, s'Why?'' .., .,.. .-'%
"No," said fond mother, speaking
proudlv of her 25-year-old daughter;
'.no, Mary isn't old enough to marry
vet. She cries whenever any one scolds
her, and until she becomes hardened
enough to talk back vigorously she
isn't fit for a wife. .-.t -
"Yes," said Mrs. Liberal, Il hate
those Straiters, they are so awfully
bigoted; but they needn't be so stuck
up about their religion. The liberal
faith is gaining fast, and it won't be
many years, guess. before we can be
as bigoted as they are"
The old tramp who was q michigan
fire sufferer last summer will 60 or
the road this spring as an ''Ohio flood:
sufferer" He thought once he would
have to appear rs = Java earthquake
sufferer" but the floods have fortunate
| ly rendered this rather far-fetched ex-
cuse unnecessary.
New Yorker (who has been "stuck'
more than an hour with intellectual
young lady from Boston,: "You say
that you despise New York men.
Then why do you come to New York,
and why do you go to New York par
ties?'a Young lady from Boston: ''fos
a complete intellectual rest.
"Pa," said little boy to his father
on their arrival at St. Louis, II didn't
know people in this city he'd wings. >
wings? Certainly not" replied the
father. "Then what are those things
that stick up so highp" .'Hush, my
boy" said the father in an underlone;
"you mustn't speak so loud. Those
are ears
Remember, sir, that you owe some
thing to your constituents, said one
member of our city council to another
"Humpht" said the other, IF you owe
ANYTHING to your constituents, all Eve
got to say is that you're lucky, Why,
| there are not half-dozcn voters in my
ward that have not borrowed money
from me.
Acontemporary asks: ''How shall wo
men carry their purses to Illustrate the
thievesP' Why. carry them empty
Nothing illustrates 9 thief more thar
to snatch lady's purse. after follow
ing her half a mile, and then find that
it contains. nothing but a recipe fol
spiced peaches and a faded photograph
| <,f ba,. rr,.o ', n N, othar
''Come, sorrow, smooth my brow
and kiss my lips and lay thy gentle
hand upon my heart." sings the poet
The counting of such o dismal maid
betrays bad case of dyspepsia or &
| woefnl lack of invigorating exercise.
A poet with a sound body would find
ioy a more cheerful and attractive maid
Rochester Democrat. "
| How Gerster views it: Reporter
suppose you heard about that kissing
affair between Governor Crittepden anc
Pattip Gerster-I heard that the GOV,
ernor kissed Patti before she had time
to resist, but don't see anything il
that to create so much talk. Reporter
50