The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1884-06-19
a Chance for a Humoriss.

our exchanges, we occasionally find one like
the following, credited to the TrareHers'
Mdgasine::
During the recent raid on the pension thieves at
Washington some startling grounds for the issue
Of pensions were developed Men who had lost I
leg in contest with a reaping machine We're found I
in receipt of good fat sums once month. But I
perhaps the most remarkable claim of the lot was
that of one gentleman who, on being investigated,
asserted that he drew pension for what he had /
actually lost in war.
But what did you lose?" demanded the ex- /
aminer. " You seem to have all your members t
and faculties
Well" replied the claimant, driven to the wall
lost my head at Shiloh, and left for homel"
Another shonId have been placed the list for
the rest of his life at the highest amount allowed
by law. What is your elam?n asked the exam /
neT. What did you lose?"
81 lost $3.50 at poker the night before the battle
of Fair Oaks
The author Of this graph-some OBJ
scure penny-a-liner, we suppose-doubtless
thought he was saying something very
funny, indeed, when he related this imagi-
nary conversation, and for aught we know
it may have caused great deal of amuse
ment to some thoughtless people, but he has
certainly been most unfortunate in his
choice of subject for his pleasantly. We
viii point him to better one. Here is the
case of soldier who, now being utterly
broken down and disabled, applies for
pension. Twenty years ago he was robust,
sturdy man, apparently just the sort Of stuff
physically that good soldiers are made of.
But the Government, unwilling to trust to
appearances before mastering him in, or
dered him before one of its own surgeons for
oafcial medical examination. He is stripped
to the skin. His lungs and heart are sound
ed for traces of disease. He is made to walk
and jump and run and assume all sorts of
absurd positions, that we need not name, to
satisfy the examiner that he is suffering
from no lesion of any kind. lie is thump-
ed and pounded and handled with far more
scrupulous caution than if he were being
examined for life-insarance policy, and if
he goes through the ordeal satisfactorily he
is accepted and mustered into the service
The Government, by that act pronounces
him sound man, and here, one would sup
pose, there would be an end of the matter
But when, twenty years after, the veteran
comes to apply for the pension due him by
reason Of disability resulting from disease con-
tracted in the service, he is required to prove
his physical s0undness at date of enlistment.
Now, if the author of the piece of pleasantly
/ we have quoted, would but reflect moment,
/ he would see that here is even a more abb
surd situation than that of the man who "lost
/ his head at Shiloh for, in very truth, the
brains of many a brave fellow were scattered
on that bloody field. 1t is more absurd, be-
cause it puts the Government in the position
of compelling the soldier to prove that it
did not neglect its own self-imposed duty
or that this duty was not properly diseharg-
ed by its own regularly appointed agents.
If the preposterousness of such a thing
had only occurred to this humorist, what
really amusing picture he might have drawn
of the American soldier Of the future. He
could have described his arrival at the re-
cruiting Office, accompanied by his family
physicians and his blood relatives to certify
that he was able-bodied and had not inherit
ed any disease from his great-grandfather,
4oJ~ n
ments acknowledgment of his soundness
and have it legally recorded The humorist
shown the additional precautions which the
American soldier Of the future will be sure
to take, in view Of the experience of his pre-
decessors. 1t would have afforded fine
field for his imagination. He might have
sketched for US the behavior of this army of
the future in camp, on the march, and in
action the soldier rushing for the surgeon,
at the first touch of the cramps, in order to
make sure of q good hospital record; the
column hating at the brink of river, in
order to get a certified statement from the
surgeons that if the men cross it in its icy
condition, they will be liable to contract
lung disease, rheumatism &C.; and, finally,
the commander himself, asking an aImistice,
in the heat of battle, in order to allow the
wounded an opportunity to get their COM
rades to fill ont, on the spot, the blank aft
davits in their knapsacks, so as to satisfy the
requirements of the Pension Office as to
the precise hour and place at which their
injuries were received.
For such a work of humor as that, there
! would really be some ground, since the insist
ence of the Pension Office on trivial techni-
5 calities, together with the apparent indif-
r ference of Congress as TO whether the evil
r dence required of claimants under the rules
of that Office is reasonable or not, will have
, | the result, beyond question, Of very effect