New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-01-16
WIT AND HUMoR.
There was young girl named Mari
Who tried to sing G still higher,
But the COMPOUNDED note stuck crOssw

Two Nevada cattle kings are worth
$4,000 each, and one of them SIGNS
his name tx"
A Pennsylvania plumber has joined
a theatrical company. His specially
will be preparing the bills.
Yale College students are orga nizing
brass band. Thus there will be a con-
siderable addition to the number of
college tooters.
sNo," said Mr.. Dash Cutter, II CANE
afford new suit Of clothes for myself;
it has cost me so much for liveries for
my coachman and footman.
They say time flies, but being bald
headed man his wings must flap rather
slowly when female minstrel troupe
is around.
Augustus, she said, s'why is there
so much confusion in that store?'' II
know not he simpered, ''unless it is
caused by that hustle in the window. .
An English magazine is specializing
as to the kind of clothes ghosts wear.
We always supposed that they wore
spirit wrappers.
A Georgia woman was recently bap-
tized at the age of 1O8 years. 1t is al
ways best to attend to such matters as
early in life as possible.
A company of Newport dudes inn
ported mind-reader for their amuse-
nent, but when he arrived he found he
had nothing to work on.
John Goekel, of Baltimore, recently
sneezed so hard that he dislocated his
shoulder. What stumped him was
whether to feel proud or ashamed.
John Ruskin says: ''That which was
beautiful yesterday is beautiful to-day"
The woman who has had her new Fall
bonnet spoiled by a shower does not
hold this opinion.
A Toronto bridegroom is 80 and his
bride is 80. Poor young things! How
little they know what is before them in
the troubled sea of matrimony.-
Rochester Herald.
The hotel walters costume still re-
mains the standard for an American
mans full dress. To prevent mistakes
at parties, however, the waiter is d.
rectcd to carry towel on his arm in
stead OF young lady.
A Southern Dakota exchange COM
plains bitterly of the poor quality of
whisky sold in atown there. 1t doesn't
seem to have entered the EDITORS mind
that a good way out of the difficulty is
not to drink the whisky.
Fifteen years ago an Alabama man
who killed a peddler told his wife in a
moment of confidence, and since then
has been splitting wood, building fires
and rocking the baby. Now, as relief,
he asks to be hung.
A curious case of hereditary and
consanguineal crime is reported from
a town in Nebraska named Beatrice.
There is brass band there all the
members of which belong to one
family.
Jones asked his wife, s|Why is hus-
band like dough?'' He expected she
would give it up, and he was going to
tell her that it was because woman
needs him; but she said it was because
he was hard to get off her hands.
A little chick of four years at Paw
tucket, r. l., surprised his mother the
other night by adding the following to
his evening prayer: ''God bless papa,
and mamma, and Aunt Lizzie, and
Rubber Hiram, and lilly, and all the
other kids"
$50 your husband is q contractor
In what particular line is hep" SIN
the debt line?' eyes, he has con-
tracted about $4,000 worth of debts
during the last two years. Everybody
says he is very successful in his bust
ness"
''Your cheek is an awful temptation
to me-" he exclaimed as he looked adj
miringly at her fresh young face.
''Your check mlst be an awful burden
to YOU" she relied, glancing at him
suspiciously, and the fresh young man
withdrew.
The editor of the Dallas Tex Times
said the new opera house in that town
was SO small that an expert tobacco
chewer could sit in the most remote
corner and spit in an actors eye, but
the people made him take it back.
Together they were looking over the
paper. 80 my, how funny said she.
''What is it?'' he asked .'Why, here
an advertisement that says, No reason
able offer refused" "What's so odd
about that?'' ''Nothing, nothing"
she replied, trying to blush, ''only those
are exactly my sentiments. !"
1t is true, you cannot teach an old
dog new tricks, but, bless your eyes,
this isn't the dogs fault. 1t is because
there is nothing new to teach him. Yes,
indeedy, the old dog knows 'em all,
and it makes him laugh to see the
young dog learning and airing the old
tricks OF his youth as something new
Darlington Ha1ykeye.
A joke from England: Farmer Wur-
zle (meeting the curate's wife, who is a
beekeeper): mo, mum; I've no call
to find any fault wi your beekeepin'
but do wish as they 'oodn't light on
my clover. Ifound one O. my sheep
stung in his mouth this morning. Gu
rates wife (naively): ''And pray, MIR.
Wurzle, where would you look for its
tongue but in its mouth?''
The various phases of the tender
passion have thus been eXemplified: A
ship is foolishly in love when she is at
tached to q buoy; she is prudently in
love when she leaves the buoy for the
pier; she places her affection beneath
her when she is 'ancoring after q heavy
swell, and she is desperately in love
when she is tender to a man Of war
The Judge.
''Good morning. Is Mr.. Black in?'
ssNo, sab; he's gone to his business,
sah.' ''Well, is Mrs. Black IMP" ''Dat
depends, sab. What does we want wild
her?' "Why, here's a milk bill Of $50
I'd like her to settle.'' ''She am not
in, sah.' ''But know she is in
Cant help it, sab. De orders am dat
she am never in fur meat and milk
| bills and SIGH. Good mornin'; has tc
90; she am calm me. ''-Ku1atalcks
| State Journal.
(Which would you advise me to be-
bull or a bear?" asked a young YER
i e I