Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-06-06
FUN

A Book was one Of the guests at FASH
ionable gathering in Washington. The
hostess was introducing a senator. "Sen.
ator, have you met my little friend over
in the corner there?" asked the lady. 81
don't think ever have saw him before
s.Then let me introduce you, Senator; this
is my old friend English Gramm ar"
"Oh, yes, I've heard Of you before. Mr..
j., but never have knew just what you
looked like.''
In the choir, during the sermon, one of
the quartet fell asleep. SHOWS your
chants" said the organlst to the soprano.
'See if you canticle the tenor" ''You
wouldn' It dare Duet" said the contralto.
you'll wake hymn up" suggested the
bass. 81 could make better pun than
that as sure as my names Psalm" re-
marked the boy that pumped the organ,
but he said it solo that no one quartet.
"Why did you stop lecturing on tenn
perancep" asked the Governor of Arkan-
sas, addressing we'll known reformer.
swell, you see, went up into the Dry
Fork neighborhood and did my best, but
the distillers were too thick.'' Audience
got drunk. suppose?" mo, not partic-
ularly." "Why did you stop, then?''
swell, you see. I got drunk"
s'Good-by. Clara; glad to have met you.
We leave for Newport next week." $50
soon," returned the bankers daughter,
sadly; I'm afraid we shan't be able to
leave l-uutil-until-"b but the words
seemed to stick in her throat. "Why
what's the matter. Clara. dear? Until
what?" until we get papa out of jail"
s'Bridget," said Mrs. Wigleworth to the
new kitchen lady from Messina, "you may
lay the table," lis thy servant hen that
she should do this thing ?" querried Mr..
Wigleworth. facetiously, as the door
closed. sWhy not ?'' returned his wife,
for once coming to time, ''she is a
Biddy."
Court Ito prosecutor): "Then you rec
ognize this handkerchief as the one which
was stolen from you? Prosecutor:
"Yes, your honor" Court: ''And yet iG
isn't the only handkerchief of the kind in
the world. See, one I have in my pocket
is exactly like it," Prosecutor: "Very
likely, your honor, had two stolen.''
Young lady (brightly to old bachelor)-
Do you know. Mr.. Singleseme, that when
one finds four-leaved clover it is sure
sign that the finder will be married within
year. Old bachelor-No. 1 have al
ways supposed that finding four-leaved
clover was an omen of good luck.
''On what ground do you demand pen
sion W Veteran: 81 lost an arm in the
servlce.' Pension agent: "Lost an arm
Why, man, you've got two alms!" Vet
eran: "Oh. don't mean these. The arm
l lost was of the Springfield pattern
Helm what respect does billiards
change my usual disposition" She (naive-
ly)--''Does it change your disposition? ,
He-"Yes; in billiards 1 never kiss
when can help it, whereas ordinarily-'
She-sYou never Kiss if anybody can help
it %
Professor-"Mr. Jackson, do you know
the monistic theory of the universe %
Mr.. J.-'Yes." [Pause.] Professor
why don't you tell me. then 2" Mr.. J
-s.Well, you see, there is no telling what
KNOW" Professor dismisses the class. ]
Are you having much practice now ?"
asked an old judge of young lawyer.
doal h1
Pm glad to hear it. In what line is your
practice particularly % "Well, Sir, par
ticularly IN economy"
A Mississippi man advertises runaway
wife as follows: High cheek bones, with
upper front teeth out; crippled in one foot,
cross-eyed and quick spoken" That man
don't know when he Is well off.
A San Francisco Snowman is advertis-
ing troupe of educated flies. If be will
send one on here to teach others how to
walk around the edge of milk pitcher
without falling in, he will gain everlasting
fame.
He-stl feel as though I had extracted
the invitation to call with a corkscrew."
She-"Well, l hope you will enjoy it as
much as you do other things you extract
with corkscrew."
''Yes," sighedia broken-down man who
had given his signature to oblige friend.
1.-THE most foolish thing ever did in my
life was to learn to write my own name"
Mary Ellen Chase says there will be
three women to one man in heaven. We
know who the man is likely to be, but for
for the life of us we can't place the three
women.
One of the three Grants declares that
his father, his brother and himself are
fools. This is the briefest biography of
greatness that has ever been printed.
Of all the hard things in life the hardest
. is for an old bachelor in boarding house
to remember that he was once child
himself.
"You will have toorder some more wool
en- stockings" said New York dry goods
clerk to his employer. "Why, what 3 the
matter We had an over stock day or
two ago." 81 know it, but we hav 'ent any
left. sold the last pair only few mo-
ments ago." sit is strenge," said the
proprietor. THAT there should be such a
demand for wooden stockings this season.
You are sure you have made no mistaken"
eyes, 1 am sure. The panic in Wall
street is the cause of it. The people use
them in the place of banks.''
"Alonzo, dear, do you believe in ghosts?"
she asked dreamily. mo. darling, do
MT no ranliod sgWaIf 1onz0 that