The Bolivar bulletin. [volume] (Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tenn.) 1865-1888, 1884-10-16
An EnYiOus Wife.

Prof. Raney Bumpus was arrested
last week on charge of ASSAULT and
battery, and was arraioned before Judge
Muckle, that learned man of much JUS
tice. Colonel Max Hoyett, the ag-
grieved, made n statement which clear
ly showed that the assault was unprO-
voked, and a Judge less wise than
Muckle might have fined Prof. Bumpus
without needing the statement of the
defendant.
Judge, said the professor, Il will
make statement of my case. Then
we shall see whether or not my violent
actions were inspired by an impulse of
the avenging iusti G. / am a professor
of psychology, and receive a salary of
thirty dollars per month. | rent n
small cottage where wife aud l live and
enjoy ourselves as well as could be eX-
pected under the thirty dollar circum-
stances, but truly did the wise Roman,
Metellus Numidicus, say: we can not
live comic tably with woman and can
not live at all without her. But for
one thing, our life would be happy
enough TO answer all purposes. Every
evening Colonol Max Hoyett persists
in driving by my house. He has a
beautiful turnout. When my wife sees
it she becomes envious. Sometimes,
while we are sitting among the vines on
the porch, Ia king of tender poets and
writers of glowing prose, Colonel
Hoyett and wife dash by in their gilt
tering buggy. In a moment all is
changed. My wife becomes morose
and 8nappish. Yes she exclaims,
that man who runs a bone mill
and gathers up spoiled meat for
a soap factory can ride out in
his fine buggy, but you must
sit here like an unsightly toad My
dear, don't sit like a toad. / do not sit
with my hands and feet on the floor.
Don't YOU try to make fun of me on
thirty dollars a month. You used to
say that knowledge is power and / be
lieved you, but now | know better. 1
try to be pleasant and reply: oh,
knowledge is power, my dear, but of
course it is not 50 powerful as spO led
meat We'll, She snapped, , I'D
rather have little less knowledge in
the house and little more meat of
some kind. With that. she founces
away, and during the entire evening we
are miserable. After enduring this
as long as / thought forbearing virtue
demanded / called on Colonel Max
HOyett and explained how / was stu
ated told him if he would select
some other street it would be a great
favor, and, in my opinion, would, in
the language of the pulpit, have great
tendency toward redeeming lost and
enViOus world. He smiled superciliOus-
ly and said that he would think about
it. by the way he continued, i am
going 0 drive out now, and as my wife
is lot going | can take you home
declined, but be insisted. The boy
came around with the team, and after
he had promised that he would stop
when within two blocks Of my house
and let me get out I consented. Away
we went like the wind. Hold on, said
/, and let me 90 down He pretended
as though he were trying to stop, but,
confound him, the horse dashed for
ward and carried me past my house.
NV wife, who was sweeping the gallery
at the time, looked up and saw me. She
dropped the broom and / saw that she
was in rage. As soon as / was able
te get out / walked back to the house. "
Don't you come in here, she ex-
claimed. 'Oh, yes, / can't 90 out rid
ing, but you can. knowledge is pow
er, eh?' and she threw a stick of stove
wood at me. Without further argu-
ment sought the Colonel and mauled
him"
Your defense is good; your cause
is Just" said the Judge. Il know
what an envious wife is. 1 once lived
in Kentucky. Near me lived a mar
who owned fine COW. My wife want
ed the animal, and envied the man who
owned her. / was poor, and was mo-
able to buy the COW, but my wife would
let me see no peace.
what did you do?" asked the pro
fessor, after a few moments silence.
''Why, sir. / stole the plaguy COW
and left the State. Call the next case
Mr.. Officer. ."-ArtagsGt0 1TaveIer,