Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-02-11

''The Light Fantastic Tow," is thistle
down.
Cupid is the greatest slay-belle IN the
world.
Some parents seem to think that the
proper way to raise a child is by the ear.
Even the sun, which rises in the east,
invariably comes west to settle Chicago
Inter Ocean.
''We will not dwell on that point" said
the minister when he sat down upon an
upturned tack.
1t is said that the peculiar sunsets are
caused by the sun trying to set by the
new standard time.
''When man gets stitch in his side
while at church he is apt to lose the thread
of the discourse"
One reason why women should not be
elected to congress is that there would be
too much ''pairing off,
A Burlington mother has miraculously
cured her youngest hopeful of smoking
by the laying on of hands.
While rummaging in the garret last
night we came across an old diary of ours
bearing the date 1884.
A river called Ki5smelonga has been
discovered by Stanley in Central Africa.
We think we have heard the name before.
Said the Colorado man: ''No; we new
er commit suicide by hanging in our state.
A man doesn't want to be suspected OF
being lynched.
Observing that the census embraced
seventeen millions of women, q Yankee
editor rapturously asks: ''Who wouldn't
be census?"
An eagle carried off a small boy al
Waco, Texas, and the city authorities are
agitating the question of Matching eagles
as local industry.
One of the Harvard students has fittec
up his room at the cost of $4,000. We
expect this young mans room is better
IMAM MS company.
A Michigan man pays sixty cents ta2
| on his house and lot and three dollars OF
his dog. But then the dog pays his wa,
| stealing meat for the family.
Faith is sometimes personif1ed as
drenched female clinging to a sea-washeC
| rock; but better personification would
be bald-headed man buying bottle O
patent hair restorer.
A small boy in Maine listened demurel,
to the story of Simpsons tying the fire
brands to the tails of foxes and then send
ing them through the Philistines' corn
and at the conclusion of the narrative
asked innocently: ''Auntie, did it pop?"
''See here?" exclaimed the irate agen
| to the dancing master who hired the hall
care you going to pay me any rent an,
time this year?" "Well," replied tn
professor" 81 haven't any money jus
now, but I'm taking steps to raise some.
''This pail bought OF yon last week
said customer to Deacon Gilpin, ''leake,
like sin the first time put water into it,
''You amt been putting water in tha
| pail, have your" ''Why, yes ''That'
what's the matter. If you'd kept flour i
that pail you wouldn't had any trouble. -
Twenty young ladies of one church i
Philadelphia have been married with
two months. The influx of new femal
members since the last wedding has bee
enormous, but a corresponding falling-o
in the attendance of males is confidentl
expected. If they can catch twenty hu.
bands in two months of an off year, goot
ness only knows what luck they will hay
during leap-year, if the material only wi
hold out.
Gentlemen" said the professor to h
medical students assembled in clinic, 8
have often pointed out to you the remar
able tendency to consumption of tho
who play upon wind instruments. In th
case now before us we have well-mark,
development of lung disease; and 1 w
not surprised to find, on questioning t
patient, that he is a member of bra
band. Now SIR" continued the profes
or, addressing the consumptive, ''w
> you please to tell the gentlemen what
strument you play on?" 81 blays d
" drum" said the sick man.
II ----s--. .------
= Lone Jack, No, Sept. II. 1879. have been
tg Hop Bittcrs, and have received great ben
a. from them fer liver complaints and malarial fey
sr They are superior to all other medicines. P
> J Barnes.