davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

A gentleman of good standing went
into Haeffenschaf1er's saloon and walked
up to the counter, when the following
conversation took place:
Are You Mr.. Haetfenschafler?
"To peen seizure vas me. You
drinks | gan be some odder Teller. |
amt no dheater mans.
Well, I want to warn you to not
give MY boy any more beer"
elf your poy beer! dond your
poy gif beer You drinks | bays monies
for peer and den gif it away? Fur what
docks meinselef$"
Il mean that you must not sell him
any"
"Ughl Sell him any Dot peen
anoder dings. Why, don'd his monies
vas so goot like anoder mans? Meppy
him got gounderfeid monies, Ell? L
look me dot drawer in. Your poy peen
here last nighd Yah, here vas a goun-
derfeid tollar! peen glad You dold
me dot. Gone my saloon oud! A fad
der What got poy like dot vas wurster
as der pay. Gone my saloon oud! I
see you sooner mebby."
And the poor man was forced to leave
without getting in word of Defense
Kentucky State Journal
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Edith PIantedgerkit.

-here is no patent on great and good
names, and nobody can bring suit for
damages if George Washington or
Abraham Lincoln figures all the way
down the social scale, even to the miss
ing link himself.
John Milton, the rag picker, and the
organ-grinder who registered as
Michael Angelo, probably never quite
fulfilled the ambition of their parents,
but nobody could change their pames.
A high-sounding Christian name is
much priced by the Virginia negroes,
and the white families have always been
appealed to for help in providing mag
niloquent names. Characteristic names
were frequently bestowed, and Ananias
was one of the commonest.
One well-known planter gave all of
his servants names distinguished in
history. Visitors at the house were
waited ON by Herodotus, Juvenal, and
Xenophon, and the cook was Edith
Plantagenet.
She always insisted on her whole
name, and was much aff'ronted by the
curious twists and turns her compatriots
gave it.
Once a visitor who was waited on by
q deft handmade, who gave her name
as Laura. iokingly asked:
"And where's Petrarch?"
To which Laura promptly replied:
"Petrarch, he's in de kitchen, peelin' de
Eaters fur Edith Plantedgerkitl"
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Scotch Parents.

A young Scotch friend of mine, Of
high literary reputation, generally
spends, once year, month with his
family on the outskirts of Edinburgh.
His father is a Presbyterian minister,
occupying a very enviable position. On
the day Of his departure, my friend in
variably finds on the breakfast table,
by the side of his plate, little paper,
carefully folded 1t is a detailed ac-
count of the number of meals he has
had during his visit to his fathers
house; in other words, his bill. But
the son is as sound Caledonian as
papa, and does not part with his coin
before he ascertained that all the items
are accurate, and the addition correct.
why, father, see yen have marked
bacon and eggs for my yesterdays
breakfast; / assure you ! did not touch
the eggs.
you were wrong not TO do so then,
my boy; they were on the table, why
didn't YOU help yourself?'
| / know another interesting Scotch
/ papa who presents his children, as they
/ come of age, with the bill of all that
/ he has spent upon them, including the
/ fees of nurse and doctor The chill
dren sign and undertake to repay the
outlay. Edinburgh Letter.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Thin, WirY Men the RraYest.

History, no doubt, gives color to the
idea that fat men are not, as q rule.
brave. Falstaff was a fat man; he was
u conspicuous coward. Major Monsoon,
was likewise corpulent; his gallantry
lay in the direction of chickens. There
have leen brave fat men, of course;
witness Pickwick = as courageous a gem
tleman as aver faced widow. The he
roes OF the world have, however, un-
doubtedly been wiry men, not necessarily
scarecrows, but men without an unusual
or unwieldy proportion of adipose It's
sue. Had the living skeleton, now be-
ing sued by his recently made bride,
been a lat man, he would undoubtedly
have wilted, and permitted himself,
perhaps, to be carried off in clothes
basket. Beinga skeleton, he is a man of
valor and no bride of day shall trihe
with his emaciated affections Anato-
m cally speaking, the skeleton man is
all grit. He propos $ to fight it out to
the bitter end, if he has to pawn his
bones to pay counsel fees, -NeW York
Commercial AdcertiSer.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
WHY People Get Married.

Though it is very common to re-
proach old bachelors with their cell
bacy, and to pity old maids as if single
blessedness" were a misfortune, yet
many married people have seen fit to
offer apologies for having entered into
what some profane wag has called the
"holy bands of paddock" One man
says he married to get housekeeper;
another to get rid of bad company
Many women declare they get married
for the sake of a home; few acknowl-
edge that their "a olive was to get a hus-
band Goethe sverred that he got
married to lee respectable" John
Wilkes said he took wife ito please
his friend" Whycherly, who espoused
his housemaid, said he did it "to spite
his relations A widow, who married
a second husband, said she wanted
somebody to condole with her for the
loss of her first. Another. to get rid
of incessant importantly from crowd
of suitors Old maids who get married
invariably assure their friends that they
thought they could be more useful' as
wives than as spinsters Nevertheless,
Quilp gives it as his opinion that nine
tenths of all persons who marry,
whether widows or widowers, virgins
or bachelors, do so for the sake Of
getting married. Exchange.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Poverty. Humility. Godli,ess

If we are not getting to be a more
godly nation it is not fot lack of
churches. In 1900 there was a church
to every LAO inhabitants; in 1880 there
was one church to every TT inhabit-
ants. In 1900 there were 2.55I
preachers; in 1880 there were 80, $50.
The increase of population for the ten
years preceding 1880 was 30 per cent. :;
the increase of church communicates
during these same years was so per
cent This shows that the preachers
are getting in their work; but they
were greatly assisted by the panic in
1873 and the subsequent hard times.
There is nothing so provocative of good
ness as poverty. 1t brings with it hui
mility. - Grand Rapids Times.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
En.land,s Thrnnn

The throne of England, SO splendid
when covered with silk velvet aud gold,
is, in fact, only an "old oak chair, /" over
eight hundred years in use for the same
purpose. Its existence has been traced
back to the days of Edward. The
wood is very hard and solid. The back
and sides were formerly in various
colors, and the seat is made of rough
looking sandstone &c inch es in length.
II in breadth and l94 in thickness. and
in this stone lies the grand popularity
of the chair. Numberless legends are
told in connection with it, the truth
probably being that it was originally
taken from Ireland to Scotland and
served at the coronation of the early
Scottish kings. Pail Nall Gazette.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
How He Bid IL.

During the craze for Union Pacific
stock" said an old broker, al furnished
shares to thirteen different clergymen
in New England, all Of whom sold their
government bonds or took their savings
out of the bank to buy with"
"And how did they make out?"
"Twelve of them lost three-fourths Of
their investment"
"And what about the thirteenth ?"
ooh, it was through him that | sold
to the other twelve, and he made about
$5,000"- Wall Street NeWS.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
The SHOVEL Disease

Medicists tell us of Novel Disease"
which is becoming prevalent, and is de-
structive both to moral and the physic-
al constitution. People who have
grown up amid sensational literature
get into listless. uneven habits; they
find no pleasure in anything but porting
over pages of trashy story books moth
ing is too startling or garish for their
tastes. The more incredible the plots,
the more remote the incidents may be
from actual life, the better they like
the work of the storyteller; and feeding
upon such "rot" they become actually
1eranged in mind they cannot consider
the real and the necessary from the
point Of view OF clearn"ss and propriety.
chronological Journal.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Old Gov. Mattocks.

Old Gov. Mattocks, OF Vermont.
who, when in Congress, boosted that
he could beat 'em all writing bad"
was no speech-maker. The nearest he
ever came to making q political ha
raDgue, according to writer in the
Lowell Courier, was ones when his
friends gathered around him to con.
gratulate him upon his nomination as
Govern or of the State. He was in
tight place, for he was compelled to re-
ply. His reply was as follows: Boys,
I thank YOU; and now if you elect me
for Governor l Will tell you what L
will do. l will appoint two Thanksgiv-
ings and no fast Good-by." Still,
he wasn't often at loss to find some
thing to say when something had to be
said. One New Years day morning as
he was bathing and preparing for break
fast he unfortunately leaned against
the door at the head of the stairs lead
ing to the kitchen. The door gave
way. and the maids of the household,
while busy preparing the morning meal,
were astounded to see, rolling and
tumbling into their presence, chubby,
fat old gentleman III most unpresent-
able attire. But his wits were with
him. Ladies, he exclaimed politely,
Il wish you all happy New Year !"
and then bounded upstairs again, four
steps at time.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

Two old negroes become acquainted
in a way that shames formality.
Meeting for the first time, they
look at each other. Then one
remarks so the other can hear
him: "Doan' belebe / knows that
man, but his face is mighty 'miliar.
Then the other one says: Seed dat
man somewhere, but KANT place him.
Howdy do, generman?7 Poorly; how
is it wild yesse'f?" "Porely. thank yer.
Whar does yer lib?" Son der Pryor
place. Whar does yerse'f 'zide?" "On
the Avery place. How's all yer folks 2"
.Porely, thank yer; how's all wild
yesseT?" "Porely, bleeged ter yer. +"
After this they are old acquaintance
and never fail to greet each other as
friends. -4rkdnsaW TraUeler.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Lumber and Salt,

The State of Michigan produces
about three times as much lumber as
any other State in the Union. BY the
last census Michigan produces 4,172,-
$4,000 feet of lumber (board measure),
exclusive of lath. shingles and slaves
Pennsylvania, 1,730,S44 900 feet; Wis
consin, 1,542,021, 900 feet, and New
York, 1884. 100000. The same author
ity places Michigan at the head in the
list of salt-producing States Chicago
NelCs.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
COlOred Menflacity.

There was large boiler of scalding
water over fire in the yard and several
black imps playing near it. Suddenly
q shrill voice was heard from inside the
shanty:
you, George Washington, keep
away from dat ar biler. Directly you
is gwine ter upset de biler and scald
yerself to def, an when you is, you'll
be de fust one to say, "Twasn't me,
nanny p"-TeCdS SittingS.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
HEALTH is the one thing nee

HEALTH is the one thing needful;
therefore no pains, expense, self-denial,
or restraint which we submit to for the
sake of it is too much. Whether it re-
quire us to relinquish lucrative situa-
tions, to abstain from fayorite indul-
gences, to control Incorporate passions,
or undergo tedious Observation-Disclosures
difficulties it lays us under, man who
pursues his happiness nationally and
resolutely will be content to submit
IA II
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THE relation which the color of flow.
ers and fruits bears to their methods Of
distribution is curious branch OF
botanical study. 1t appears that in
the struggle for existence during long
series of generations, those seeds and
fruits that have tendency to succu-
lence and color are most attractive tc
birds, and that these tendencie are in
tensifi ed by inheritance and natura
selection. 1t is also fo1nl that in those
fruits that are distributed by mechani,
cal agencies, there's a suppressionboth
of color and succulence.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Continued from las! ieett
How Watch Cases are Made.

The many great improvements intro
duced in the manufacture of the JAS Boss
Gold Watch Case, have led to similar I'M
provements in the making Of silver cases.
Under the old methods. each part Of
silver case was made of several pieces of
metal soldered together, requiring a great
amount Of cutting and soldering, which
softened the metal and gave it the pliability
of lead rather than the elasticity of silver.
Under the improved methods, each part
of the Keystone Silver Watch Case is made
Of one solid piece Of metal hammered into
shape. The advantages are readily appar-
ent, for every one knows that hammerin.
hardens the metal while soldering sofens it.
To test the superiority OF the Keystone
Silver W Atch Case, take one of o. weight,
press it squarely in the center when closed,
and it will not give, while a case Of same
weigl, Of any other make will give enough
tobreak the crystal The Keystone Silver
Watch Case is made only with silver cap
and gold joints.
send stamp keystone watch Case Factories PAa.
delphia rA for handsome illustrated FAmphlrt showing how
Ito be oontiausI)
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Yankee GumptiOn.

A Bangor trader ordered ton of
coal, which he put in the second floor
of his store. The coal was dumped
before the building, and the merchant
went into the loft and put ~ a target.
Going outdoors, where there were
fifteen or twenty countrymen loafng,
he said; Boys, come and have some
fun throwing coal at that target. The
crowd became Interested and fred
away at the mark until all the coal was
in the building. What did the mer-
chant do? Give the crowd ice cream
Oh no; but he brought water to wash
their hands. -BdnGOr Commercial.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
To MOST of us society shows not its
face and eye, but its side and back.


METHOD ir everything is incidentally
valuable. 1t promotes comfort. 1t
saves large expenditure of time. 1t
avoids numberless Inconvenience. 1t
is of great moment in relation to mind
and character; and it is essential to
the dispatch OF all business; for that
which is well arranged proceeds with
ease and regularity.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THE mother of twcnty-eight children
IS iiyn g in Brownville, Ga. Sc is
$ G prize Of life nj v;gor3 s.
iiet husband, the only one She rs lad,
is also live. I've ty-thrco Of tile
children are dead, though: all lived sew
elaI years. Amorg them were four
pair Of twins, born within aperiod OF
SIX years.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

IT is all nonsense trying to excuse
yourself for wrongs done willfully and
with malice aforethought You say if
this had not happened then you would
have been all right There is an old
saying, IF my aunt had been man she
would have been my uncle.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

PoTAToRs intended for seed should
receive no rough handling at any time.
If any are bruised, spread thinly in a
dry, cool place until the surface has
dried over. If put in large bins while
the skin is bruised, many of the eyes
will have their vitality injured. This
is the cause of many unexplained fail
ures of the potato crop.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
The WAY 1t Is Done.

SWELL" said Snagby to Perkins, AZ
have got my poem accepted at last by
the AtIdntic."
What the same one you sent last
summer, and they returned?"
"The same"
"How did you work it?"
"Oh, [ wrote it out with broom
splint, and spelled one-sixth of the
words wrong, and they took me FOR an
oid-school poet. If | had spelled cor
rectly and written in a readable hand.
they would have said schoolbov.' and
sent it back. "-Marathon mdepend-
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
FLOWERS and Men.

AS there are some flowers which you
should smell but slightly, to extract all
that is pleasant in them, and which if
you do otherwise, emit what is I'M
pleasant and noxious, so there are
some men with whom slight acquaint-
ance is quite sufficient to draw out all
that is agreeable, more intimate one
would be unsatisfactory and unsafe
Ldndor.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
How to Eat an Orange,

Oranges should never be eaten in
company. They should be quartered
with the rind on and gobbled up with
sufficient speed and yoracity to get the
true flavor, which never clings to the
fruit. atlanta Constitution.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

The family which tries to keep up APP
pearances on slender income should
learn to read Spanish. 1t has saw
like this. What enjoyment to have lit
tie to eat and keep a servantl
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

a ;1ra fifth is the best divnity;
good life the best philosophy: Il clear
conscience the best law; honesty the
best policy, and temperance the best
ghEsic. = CInrrOn.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

CONCENTRATION is the secret of
strength in politics, in war, in trade;
In short, in all management of human
affairs. -PO4CeT.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

The white of an egg is one of the
best of applications for burns and
scalds. 1t prevents contact with the
air. and is more cooling than any oil.
Beaten up with sugar it is an excellent
remedy for dysentery.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THE inebriate man thinks more of
his boots than his head, and will not
allow them on the ground if he can
heip it.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THERE are many persons protesting
religion who are very bad; there are
also many good people who profess no
religion.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THE trsest test of civilization is not
the census, or the size of cities, nor
the crops-,o but the kind of man the
country turns out
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THE editor had evidently been put
ting on new pair of stockings when he
wrote: 1--WE have Just seen a new
thing in shoes"
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

Cop is pleased with no music below
SO much as the thanksgiving songs of
relieved widows and supported orphans.
of rejoicing, comforted and thankful
persons.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

THERE are said to be II, 900 one-legged
men in the United States. One-legged
men form the most peaceful and sub
missive element Of our population.
They never kick.-B0ston Globe.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
CHICAGO,
MIlWUAKEE
AND ST.PAUL.

ana Dakota: and as its main limos. branches and
connections reach all the great business centers
Of the Northwest and Far West. il naturally
ans Wers the description Of short Line and Best
Route between
Chicago, Milwaukee,, 1T. PauIand Min
neapolis.
Chicago, milwaukee. Portage, La
Crosse and WinOna.
chicago, mtNaukee. OFtonViiie, Aber-
deem and Glendale.
chicago, milwaukee, Eau Claire and
saltwater.
Chicago, Milwaukee, xyauSauand FIer-
rIII.
Chicago, milwaukee. Reaver Dam
Fond du Lac and Oshkosh.
chicago, milwaukee, Waukesha and
OcOnOmoWOc.
Chicago. Milwaukee, Madison and
Prairie dn Chicn.
Chicago. milwaukee. Ovvatonna. Man
kaio and Faribauii.
Chicago, sseloii, GAINESVILLE and Miner
al Point.
Chicago, Elgin, Rockford and Du-
bHuuc.
ChIca%o Clinton, Rock Island. Cedar
Rapids and 'SaUna.
Chicago, Dc- MOincs. Council Bluffs
and Omaha.
Chicago, Canton. Sioux city, Sioux
Falls and NanlKIOn.
Chicago. Milwaukee. Albert Lee and
southern Minnesota Points.
chicago, uiiVVaukee. Mason city, Mitch
ell and Chamberlain.
Rock Island. Dubuque, 81. Paul and
Minneapolis.
Davenport, Calmar, II. Paul and Min
BeapOliS.
Milwaukee. Racine. BeioIt. Freeport
and Rock Island.
Mitchell. w olscY. a sIBtOn and aberdeen.
dim River Valley Liuc.J
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

T Mr. r. g. VINEGAR
Hin TI1TIS ~ is now located at the
Fair Grounds in this
HtUEEEES city and Is prepared TO
saUgHEUEE handle a few Horses
l. i AlkklLlO Eand improve them In
@ SPEED and STYLE
lie viii also take few Young Horses TO Break
TERMS Made known on application TO him at
the Fair GrOunds re VINEGAR
April 2. 1854 5tf
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

riday, July Is, 81.
NO SOONER--NO LATER!

travels by its Special Train of Everything The
Model Show of the World Be in early witness the
GRAND STREET PARADE.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24
Railroads..
short '3 s: e.: !: !: :: !; 81
road, conveys an idea
Line e.: !: 4: 4: (: a.; :: IS: !.

aceommodations-all OF which are furnished BY
the greatest railway in America.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-07-24

broideries, Hamburg Edgings, Torchon,
Walker Lake bulletin. (Hawthorne, Nev.) 1883-1926, 1884-01-01
Kill Him at Once.

A. story too good to be kept secret
has leaked out concerning a'Japanese
student, who was at one time pursuing
course of study at Yale College as a
beneficiary of the japanese Govern
ment.f He had become So" fast in
his ways, that the faculty we're unable
:to decide what to do with Him. They
did not like to suspend" benefici.
airy of the Government, and 1t seemed
impossible to find place where he
might "rusticate " for while. as no
family of repute would care to take
him on account OF his habits; As a
last resort they determined to write to
the Home Government, make a plain
statement of the case, and asking what
they should do with the offending
beneficiary. The letter was written
asking for directions. The next Steam.
ship from Japan after the arrival of
the message brought the laconic
answer: "Kill him at once.
Walker Lake bulletin. (Hawthorne, Nev.) 1883-1926, 1884-01-01
- * -
THE LASH FOk- TAtKBPrERs

Judge Goodwin, in the Salt Lake
Tribune, reads a Valuable lesson to
slanderers '@Eveey one will secretly
be glad that Sara Bernhardt so success
fully whipped the woman Colombier.
No doubt this woman has permitted a
book to be published in hcf name for
which she deserves death, because it is
Intended for no good, and is meant
simply to break down a sister woman.
Doubtless she believed while lending
her name to it, that her sex would save
haf'ffom personal chastisement. 1t is,
then, delicious to read of her being
cut across the face, to imagine her
jumping over chairs and tables, and
sbtieking with fear and pain; the
avengeS Another woman, following
close behind and, multiplying blow
upon blow; for really for such a
woman nothing is half so good as to
cause them to suffer fear and physical
pain. Thousands of women do mean
things simply because they expect that
their sex will shield them from respon-
sibility. We are awfully glad that the
Bernhardt for once fixed it where it
hsi3nged, and made the venomous
reptile who had wronged her suffer as
sEe should" '''' =