The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-06-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

1 lAuu WautS Dut itttit cur D6iOWs
said the school-boy who got sound box
on the side Of the head.
Money often leads men astray. Some
of them will run after dollar. but a
hound dog is more avaricious. He will
follow scent.
Pauline Lucca has been recently en-
gagged to sing at three concerts In Mos
cow for 1000. 1t is better to be born
Lucca than rich.
A western woman prayed for money,
and found it. As though this was q
miracle! We know of several eastern
men who have preyed for money and
found IL. e}lt. "t''
An exchange says that Noah was the
first pitcher on record. He pitched
the ark within and without" The
game was finally called on account Of
the rain. rs. .t-sft
.This theory that cold contracts every
thing but water. which it expands"
said one friend to another, ''is nom
sense. You ought to see my coal bill. !"
M Y. Tribune.
A mans brain weighs three and a
calf pounds. A woman's brain Is some
what lighter, but of finer quality. That
is what enables her to taste lard in her
neighbours pastry.
Joseph, my box of cigars disap-
pears very quickly" Eyes, sir; take
them. / belong to the society against
the use of tobacco, and really think
that monsieur smokes too much"
Stanley has discovered river in
Central Africa called Kissmelonga. It's
an awful pity that it should be situated
in country where fellow can't get
any satisfaction out of it.-BnrIington
Free Press.
'.Is your wife acquainted with the
dead languagesp" asked the professor
of Newman man. .'Maybe she is"
was the reply. ''but the language she
uses is entirely too warm to have been
dead very long"
The newspaper foreman got a mar
rage notice among a lot of items head
ed Horrors of 1885," and when the
editor learned that the groom's income
was only 81 week he said it had bet
ter remain under that head.
Count Harncorn, of Vienna, now a
social lion in New York, says: Zach,
it's too pad. 1 can neefer marry but one
American GIRL, und loafs all of dem."
Like Artemus Wards monkey, he is
described as an "amoosin' little cuss."
A Kentucky man took a dose of
Rough on Rats by mistake, and when
the thing began to take hold of his
stomach and churn it, he swore by the
I, hot ha 1-s
hold of such bitters since before the
war.
In the submerged district a Cincin-
natl Enquirer reporter saw a man with
grapping-hook fishing in the water.
What are you looking for, old MANI"
said the scribe. ''I'm trying to find
my house; left it here two or three
days ago"
A boaster in hotel was telling of
the many sections of the country which
he had visited. A fellow at his elbow
asked, "Have you ever been in Alge-
brap" .'Oh, yes!' said the boaster, II
passed through on top of stage-coach
about a year ago"
An exchange comes to us with
poem entitled, ''How to kiss" marked
in blue pencil. Either the author is
blamed proud of his production, or else
he thinks we don't know how to do it
in either of which cases he is way
off.--Burlington Free Press.
A woman's brain is of finer quality
than that of a man. Fineness of brain
gives quickness of perception, and we
see that fact illustrated in this; A wo-
man can tell what another woman has
got on at a glance, whereas a man
might study the matter over for year
and be no wiser.
In the opinion of genuine Kentuck-
ian, there is no part of our national
history so important as the fact that
old Pete Anderson's son Caleb married
lobe Watkins daughter, and after
ward owned 'Step High" the horse
that Ben Salus rode from Lexington to
Frankfort in 1859.
j. M. Hill, the theatrical manager,
is said to be so lucky that if he were to
lSave his slippers at an hotel they would
be forwarded to him to the next town
with half-dozen pairs of silk stock
ings in them. The only time he ever
fell down he Is said to have picked up
q diamond pin.
where are you taking mo to?" ask
ed a criminal, addressing the detective
who had just arrested him. 81 am TAX
ing you to the Office of the police super
intendent," was the reply. II wish to
observe in this case, then," said the
culprit, ''that it is the Office that seeks
the man, and not the man the office"
"Margery," said Ethelbert, as they
sat on opposite ends of the Turkish
divan, ''why am 1 like the letter OF"
and silence fell, broken only by the
molodious cough of Margery's warrant
ed New England throat. because,
dear" added Ethelbert, II feel that l
am useless without U."-Boston Conn.,
Bulletin. tet ~ M
A policeman leaned. over the area
railing and addressing Bridget, who
was at that moment engaged in shift
ing an ash barrel, observed: "Bridget,
me darlint. the loight av yer Dyes
makes the dawn same loike darkness.
.'Thim's the very, wurruds that yer SUI
payerior, the sargint, shpoke to me.