St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1884-08-12
WHY HE WITHDREW.
Mark Twain AS a Candidate Encount-
ers The Same Experience.
That Governor Cleveland is Having-His
Troubles With The Newspapers and
Their Charges.

Concerning the recent dirty attack on the
private character of Governor Cleveland, and
the disreputable mode of warfare inaugurated
against him by the Republicans, nothing
more severe can be said than is contained in
the following rich satire written by Mark
Twain, the popular humorist Mark relates
how he was induced to run for Governor
against Mr.. John T. Smith on the regular
ticket, and Mr. Blank j. Blank on an Inde-
pendent ticket He was congratulating him
self on having, as he thought, much better
reputation than either of his opponents and
had received a testimonial to that effect from
his grandmother, when, as he was looking
over the newspapers at the breakfast table,
he was COMPOUNDED by the following para
graph:
PERJURY.-Perhaps, now that Mr.. Mark
Twain IS before the people as candidate for
Governor, he will condescend to explain how he
came to be convicted of perjury by thirty four
witnesses in Wakawak Cochin China, in 1863,
the intent of which perjury being to rob poor
native widow and her helpless family of
meagre plantain- patch, their only stay and sup
port in their bereavement and desolation. Mr..
Twain owes it to himself, as well as to the great
people whose suffrage he asks to clear this mat
ter up Will he do it!''
thought should have burst, continues
Mark in his narrative
Such cruel, heartless charge. I never
had seen Cochin China! I never had heard
OF Wakawak! I didn't know plantain
patch from kangaroo! didn't know what
to do. l was crazed and helpless let the
day slip without doing anything at all. The
next morning the same paper had this
nothing more:
''SIGNIFIoANT-Mr. Twain it will be observed
is SUCCESSFULLY silent about the Cochin China
perjury
Mem:-During the rest of the campaign
this paper never referred to me in any
other way than as the infamous periurer
Twain:''
Later came another newspaper with the
following:
''THE LIE NAILED BY the sworn affidavits
OF Michael O'Flanagan Esq. of the Five
Points. and Mr.. Snub Rafferty, and MIR. Catty
Mulligan of Water street, is it established that
Mr. Mark Twain's vile statement that the la
mented grandfather of our noble standard bearer
Blank d. Blank, was hanged for highway rob-
berry, is brutal and gratuitous LIE, without
shadow Of foundation in fact 1t is dishearten-
ing to virtuous men to see such shameful means
resorted to to achieve political success as the at
lacking OF the dead in their graves, and defling
their honest names with SANDER. When we
think of the anguish this miserable falsehood
must cause the innocent relatives and lawful
vengeance upon the traducer. Bnt no let us
leave him to the agony of lacerated conscience
Though if passion should get the better of the
public, and in the blind fury they should do the
traducer bodily injury, it is but too obvious that
no jury could convict and no court punish the
perpetrators Of the deed).'
The ingenious closing sentence had the
effect of moving me out of bed with des-
patch that night, and out at the back door
also, while the Outraged and insulted pub
lie" surged in the front way, breaking furni-
ture and windows in their righteous indigna-
ton as they came, and taking off such prop
erty as they could carry as they went. And
yet can lay my hand upon the Book and
say that l never slandered Mr.. Blanks
grandfather. More, had never even heard
Of him or mentioned him up to that day and
date.
will state, in passing, that the journal
above quoted from, always referred to me
afterwards as 'Twain, the Body Snatchern1
The next news paper article that attracted
attention was the following:
A SWEET CANpIDATE.-Mr. Mark Twain, who
was to make such blighting speech at the mass
NEE ting of the Independents last night, didn't
come to time. telegram from his physician
stated that he had been knocked down by a
runaway team, and his leg broken in two places
sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth
and so forth, and lot more bosh of the same
sort. And the Independents tried hard to swa-
low the wretched subterfuge, and pretended that
they did not know what was the real reason of
the absence of the abandoned creature whom
they denominate their standard bearer. A GER
tain man was seen to reel into Mr. Twain's hotel
last night in state of beastly intoxcaton 1t
is the imperative duty of the Independents to
prove that this besotted brute was not Mr.
Twain himself. We have them at last! This is
case that admits of no Sinking The voice
CT the people demands in thunder tones, who
was that MANI
1t was incredible, absolutely incredible,
for q moment, that it was really nv name
that was coupled with this dsgraeeful sus-
picion. Three long years had passed over
my head since [ had tasted ale, beer, wine,
or liquor of any kind.
1T shows what effect the times were hay
ing on me when 1 say that saw hIsself con-
fdently dubbed '.Mr. Delirium Tremens
Twain'' in the next issue of that journal
without a MISUNDERSTANDING 1 knew
hat with monotonous fidelity the paper would
go on calling me so to the very end.
By this time anonymous letters were get
ting TO be an important part of my mail
matter This form was common
ssHow about that old woman you kiked oT
your premisers which was begging?
Pol PRY
And this
ssThere is things which you have done
which is unbeknowens to anybody but me.
Yout better trot out few dolls to YOURS
truly, or you'll hear thro' the papers from
HANDY ANDY.''
This is about the idea. I could continue
them until the reader was surfeited, if desir
able.
Shortly the principal Republican journal
'sconv me Of wholesale bribery, and
the leading Democrat paper mailed" an ag-
gravated case of Matchmaking to me.
In this acquired two additional names:
'sTwain, the hithy Corruptionist," and
ssTwain, the Loathesome Embracer1
By this this time there had grown such
clamor for answers to all the dreadful
charges that were laid to me that the editors
and leaders of my party said it would be DO
litical ruin for me to remain silent any
longer. AS If to make their appeal more
impressive the following appeared in one
of the papers the very next day.
ssBEHoLD THE MASl-The Independent
candidate still maintains silence. Because
he dare not speak. Every accusation against
him has been amply proved, and they have
been endorsed and re-endorsed by bis own
elegant silence till at this day he stands for
ever convicted. Look upon your candidate,
independents Look upon the Infamous,
perjured the Montana thief the body
snateherl Contemplate your incarnate de
Iirium tremensl your filthy corruptionist,
your loathsome embracerl Gaze upon him
ponder him well-and then say If you can
give your honest votes to a creature who has
earned this dismal array Of titles by his hid
eous crimes, and dares not open his mouth