The National tribune., 1884-08-28
A NEW VERSION.

OF the world with which the balance Of trade seems
in favor.
People who blame the Greedy folks for eating
each other after months OF half and quarter rations
should remember how they feel themselves when
dinner happens to be only few minutes late.
They frequently act as if they we're ready to eat
the cook and most Of the family raw.
Last Saturday Michael O'Brien. Of Boston. vas
killed by being struck on the head with a spirit
level The old lady said her experience showed
her that gun was dangerous even though Il had
neither lock, stock, breech or barrel and 80 IL
seems to be with alcohol. II is dangerous in any
shape.
Merchant TraUelsr; 'well, John, /" said old man
Jordan to his young friend, you have Just been
married, hear? Yes, sir,' be answered with
Spring morning smile. just month ago. and
want you to go up to dinner with me to-day"
Have you got COOKE" No Wen, my boy,
s'pose we go to a restaurant this time You muss
remember had young wife myself"
: A Rhode Island woman has written a valuable
work on the evils resulting from the continual use
quinia, habit that many people, especially those
living in the country, are much addicted TO- Now,
let US have pamphlet on the baIefaI effects Of .
too free use of Epson salts and sulphur and mo-
lasses- There does not seem to be anything that q
fellow can take any pleasure in that Is not soon
found out to be undermining his constitution
Many and various as have been the kinds Of fools
this world has in her long life. there always
seems opportunity for 20 distin glIish him
self by an entirely departure in idiocy. This
seasons novelties in fools includes Mr. Edward
Brown, of Martins Ferry. o.. who wanted % go
hunting, but could find no gunp0Tder in the house.
There was instead, giant powder for blasting
purposes. 1t occurred 70 Mr. Brown that he could
grind the giant-powder in a coffee mill ane enough
for use in his gun. The family viii probably be
able to repair the house but all the Surgeons in ts
world could not put Mr. Brown together again.
This did not meet public favor Now 8Ir c. c.
Converse, grannnarian of some reputation, writes
to the Critic to urge combination of the two words
"that" and one" into new word $thon,r'
which viii be the desired sexiess pronoun of the
third person, singular number. We presume he
would write the sentence we gave as an illustration
thus: If either John or Jane had come on ths
train thon would have found some one there to
meet thon, and we would have seen that thon en-
joyed thonself." This viii never DO. II IS much
worse than the "hesh," 'thizr,s and hirr''
proposition and viii find no acceptance at al
among ordinary or even extraordinary people.
All the defauIting cashiers, book-keepers, treas
uTers, confidential clerks. ETC.. 20 be splen-
did fellows, generous unseIfish piOus men, de-
votedto their families and friends All they lack
is honesty. If they had just enough honesty to
salt down and save their other good qualities they
would be invaluable TO their employers and TO
society. After awhile. probably. it viii occur to
somebody that honesty is more desirable in a man
who has the handling of the cash than any other
quality accomplishment that he can display.
Then new breed Of confidential" employees VIII
be introduced who may not be quite as snowy fel-
lows their predecessors but who can be found
after the proprietor hints that he would Ike TO
take look ct the books.
The Irishrnan explained that the way they made
cannon was to take hole the size theywanted,
and then pour melted iron around it, Charles A.
Hauek, Of Idleville, Pa, wants patent on modi-
fcation Of the Irishman's idea He says that one
fthe great sources Of expense in gun-making is,
that if flaw any part Of the process all the
money and time spent up to that moment Is lost.
Thxefore he first bores steel tube the size of the
gun~desiTed. If this tube IS detective then only
that much time and labor is lost IF it IS not de-
feetive steel breeeh is put and then about the
tube snd breeeh is molten cast-iron steel as
desired. to complete the shape Of the gun. The
patent is deemed valuable. Hauek has received an
offer from the Dynamite Cannon Company in which
the Government is interested lie has also been
offered St coo for the right to sell in Canada
NEW PRoNoUNs.
For century or more grammarians have been
conscious of "a long-felt want which il seemed
incumbent them TO supply. 1t for
sexes. We all know how clumsy il is to express
ourselves gTamnatieally in writing or speaking Of
man and awoman in the same sentence. Thus We
say: Ii either John Jane had come on the train
he she would have found some one there to meet
him or her. and we would have seen that he or she
enjoyed himsefor herself The only way that many
avoid this elumsiness is by saying in defiance Of
grammar they would have found some one there
to meet Bsera, and we would have seen that they
Y r-T-
land get over the difficulty in their dialects by
using "a - to mean either man OF woman. Did
a do it2" means did either he she do IL Read
ers of VIM. Blacks charming novels wiz remen-
Der continual instances of this of eonyeniens
singular pronOun- some years ago granmarian
suggested a. new series Of pronOuns to De made by
combining both the masculine and feminine, thuss
/ NoERitatigs-Hesh, to mean he or she.
PoSsesSiUe-Eizr, TO mean his or hers.
O6jeetjre-Hinr, TO mean him or her.
DARLING SOLDIER BOYS.
A Quakeress used TO say in her sermons thas
there were three follies of men which always
amazed her. The first was their climbing trees TO
shake fruit down. when, il they only waited lit
tie it would fall of its accord; the second was.
that they should 60 war to xiii each other when
if they but waited they would al die naturally,
and the third WAS that they should run alter
women which If they would not do the women
7 would run after them. This last assertion seems
10 be supported by the experience Of the Cadets at
/ West Point, who aTe pursued by their feminine
admirers as eagerly as any watering belle IS
| by her suitors. The regulations Of the Military
Academy viii not allow them TO go to see the girls,
/ so the girls come to them, and come in such
/ numbers that there is average Of three girls
/ present for each Cadet, all the time during the
Irritation season." II costs the girls an average
| trip of something ike LEGO miles to the dar-
ling little fellows in all their glory of white pant
/ looms and brass-bGstened coats, and they DO
with them bat little while at tine for the rules
are as strict as those of female seminary At 10
/ p. M. sharp, stern Corporal steps TO the door
/ OF the dancing-hall and plays retreat s.
| drum, when the girls must Immediately depart for
their hotels and vig lant sentinels make that
no Cadet steals after some particularly seductive
| charner who has carried his heart away with her.
| An unwritten law, executed with much severity
by the young ladies themselves denies girl more
than two seasons at the Point. Those who come
/ for the third time to the scene Of past joys and
/ heartaches are called rats" and "tnrnbacks. ("
/ and snubbed by their sisters who have succeeded
them. creatures entirely too greedy for the good
| things OF life.