Turner County herald. (Hurley, Dakota [S.D.]) 1883-19??, 1884-06-19
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

HUMOROUS ITEMS.
| To young man who inquired,
when is tie best time to move?" the
Burlington Free Press remarks, "when
you hear the dog bark"
"LooK at the baste. wild his two tooth
| picks stickin out er his mouthl" was
how the sight of an elephant first af-
fected Bridget Muldoon."
IT is not considered "the thing" now
to dry ones wash out of doors, but it is
a shame to thus deprive the neighbors
of conversational subjects.
"WHAT is a lake?" asked the teacher.
A bright little Irish boy raised his hand.
"Well, Mickey, what is it?" "Sure, it's
a hole in the kettle, num-"
A WESTERN woman was driving the
hens from the garden the other day
when cyclone carried off her shoo!-
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
FATHER-"You can't manage kite
bigger than you are yourself" Son (not
SO stupid as he looks why not?
Mother manages you" New York
Graphic.
"How do you pronounce 's-t-i-n-g-y?''
asked the teacher of the Ounce of the
class. The boy replied, "It depends a
good deal on whether the word refers
to person or bee"
EYES," said the schoolmaster, as he
jumped wildly from his chair, IL have
always been in favor of tax on raw
material, but bless me if like raw
material on tacks 2"- Boston Tran
script.
The earthen pitcher out of which
John Brown drank while in jail at
Charleston, Va, is still in the possession
of family in Albany. 1t is strange
how long water pitcher will last in
some families. Boston Transcript.
To make good jam.-Place one fin
ger in the crack of door. Shut the
door slowly but firmly, and keep it
closed for at least ten seconds. Then
open the door and remove the finger,
and add plenty ofinterjections. of Never
use your own finger if you can avoid it.
|-TLife.
FIRST cabman: "What did you charge
that stranger for driving him around
the corner to the hotel2" II charged
$497." "Four dollars and ninety-seven
cents? That is queer figure. Why
didn't you make it an even $5?" "Be.
cause S497 was all he had."- Philadel-
phia Gall.
THE solidifcation of whisky IS
new invention. If the spirit is taken
in the form of cakes hereafter, the term
"hquid damnation" will no longer ap-
ply; but the phrase "solid comfort"
will, in the minds of some people, have
received fresh signifcance.-[S Som
erville Journal.
A CITIZEN went into hardware store
the other day, and inquired, Glow much
do you ask for a bath-tub for child ?"
"Three dollars and seventy-tive cents"
was the reply. "W-h-e-w" whistled the
customer. "Guess we'll have to 60 on
washing the baby in the coal-scuttle till
prices come down.
| New YORK barkeepers say that every
year more temperance drinks are sold
over the bar. We thought there must
be some explanation for the habit that
so many temperance people have of 60
ing to barrooms. We see now. They
go there to order temperance drinks
burlington Hawkeye.
A CoUNTRYMAN was sowing his ground
when two smart fellows came riding by,
one of whom called out, with an inso-
lent air-"Well, my good man, tits
your business to SOW; but we reap the
fruits of your labor" The rustic re-
piled, "'Tis very like you may, for just
now I am sowing hemp"
GEORGE" said South Side girl to
her beau the other night, ahere is
piece in the paper headed 'Kismet.'
What does 'Kismet' mean2' "The
word must be pronounced with the 't'
silent, Nettie," replied George. "Why,
that would be Kiss me,' said Nettie.
with the greatest pleasure" replied
George. And he did.-[Oil City Der
rick.
F1pps, who has been lunching with
a friend upon frogs' legs: Everything
you see is of some use in this world,
even the frog" Friend, who is dispu-
tatious: II don't agree with you. OF
what use is the mosquito to us?"
Fipps: "Ah! my dear fellow, you take
a wrong view of things. Just think
how useful we are to the mosuuito."-
Boston Gazette.
A MANS life has been saved by means
of an accordeon. He was in sinking
ship, and the accordeon was opened
and used as life-preserver. This is
the first case on record where mans
life has been saved by one of these ma
chimes. 1t seems to be the general i'm
preston that they were manufactured
purposely to destroy life, not to save it.
An ACCORDION that would not kill at 100
yards never was considered much of a
Bonanza Yonkers Statesman.
A GOOD story of doctor who recon-
mended certain water to his patients.
He expected no return, but received
letter from the company saying that his
recommendations had done them so
much good that they s'ventured to send
him hundred" Here the page
came to an end "This will never do'n
said the doctor; it is very kind but I
could not think of accepting anything"
Here he turned the page and found the
sentence ran "Of our circulars for dis
tribution.-[ Boston Globe.
| BosToN1AN (who had recently mar
ried Chicago girD-"I am afraid am
little late tonight, my DEAR Young
Wife-"You are, indeed. What in the
world kept you?" Bostonian--"I
stopped at the tonsorial parlors and
was CONF PEELED to wait" Young Wife
(bursting into tears )-"You are real
mean thing to leave me alone the
whole evening. You said you we're on
ly going to the BARRIERS" - Philadel-
phia Call.
$50 your husband is q drummer ?"
| remarkad Mra Smith 0Vo,,u o,..,
me for saying it, but they do say that
drnmmers are awful firts. Is it really
SC? ?" II don't know anything about the
Others" replied Mrs. Green; ''but /
know that John isn't. Why, he doesn't
take notice of the women at all! Least
ways, he doesn't take any notice of me
when he is at home, and he'd be more
likely to take notice of me than other