Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1884-10-24
FUN

FUN
STRUCK PARADIsE.-About fifty miles
from Green Bay, on highway. blazed
through the woods, and no house within
six miles of the spot, Boston pine land
man met family in one-horse wagon
with a ragged cover, and drawn by
horse so thin that the grinding of his ribs
could be plainly heard.
''S.rangers !" called the emigrant, "are
there any lightning rod men in this Sec
tion p''
''Guess not"
ANY insurance agents p
''No."
ANY sewing machine fellers ?''
"Haven't seen any,
''Any fashionable reforms, marriage
associations, divorce courts, politics,
horse races, lawyers or doctors p"
81 think not. This is new township.
and don't think 1t has single settler
YETI
''Then, whoa, Lycurgus," called the
man as he drew rein. This is the place
I'm looking for. Unload the children,
Sally Ann. l III get out the bed and cook
stove and get ready to squat. If this ain It
next door to heaven, it's about rs nigh as
our family will ever get.''
Ever had cyclone here ?" asked
Kansas man who was visiting Country
man in the east. "a cyclone ? o, yes,n
said his aunt; deacon Browns son
brought one from Boston spell ago; but,
law! he couldn't ride it. Tumbled off
every time be tiled it,"
If there is anything that will make
man cordially hate him self it is when be
takes a walk about mile to the post
Office to find that be has left his keys at
home, and then on going back after them
to find. on opening the box, that the only
thing IN it is a card notifying him that
his box-rent is due.
A full-bearded grandfather recently had
his beard shaved off, showing a clean face
for the first time in number of years At
the dinner-table his three-year-old grand
daughter noticed it, gaZed along with
wondering eyes, and finally she calculated:
'Grandfather, whose head you got on ?''
''My DEAR" said wife who had been
married three years, as she beamed across
the table upon her lord and master, tell
me, what was it that first attracted you to
me2 What pleasant characteristic did l
possess which placed me above other wo-
men in your sight ~ And her lord and
master simply said, II give it up"
Little boy,'' said gentleman, "why
do you carry that umbrella over your
head It's not raining" Mop" "And
the sun is not shining" ''Nop." Then
why do you carry it 20 "'Cause when it
rains pa wants it. an when the sun shines
ma wants it, an it's only when it's this
kinder wedder that kin git ter use it at
ALL"
BROTHER GARDENERS TALK.-"Gem-
lien, dar am sartain tings dat it am we'll
to bar in mind" said Che old man, as LIE
slowly uncoiled himself and stood up.
"De man who boast that he can't be
convinced by argument hahn with de
trubble o. knocking down.
de man who fatters hisself upon allus
speaking his mind am de VERY pusson
who kicks hardest when criticised.
IA shillin' ID money am mo- to be de-
sired dan dollars WORT on credit.
ut am much easlr to Spite by Oh ten
dan it am to reform man OBJ fo'ty.
"a man wort million dollars may be
friendless. You kin buy praise and fat
terry, but true frien ship seldom scars
higher dan de po' man s cabin.
''D5 man who sees nufia' good in de
world around him can't have much good
in hisself."
London Physician-'I really cannot de-
eide what is the matter with you, sir.
What is your profession ?"
London Invalid.-I am journalist
''Ah! perhaps that explains it. Excess
sive brain work causes many physical
complications. Do you take any outdoor
exercise ?"
''Oh, yes, play lawn tennis often.
am society editor, you know"
"a what ?'
81 write for the Court Journal"
"AhI"
Eyes. Shall resign my position ?"
''Oh, no; only find something to occupy
your mind"
Mrs. Blank-"Is your barber musi-
clan ?"
Mr.. Blank-''Not that know OFF, -
Mrs. Blank-'Then why does he call
himself 'profes sor' if he is not violin
ist or something P''
MIR. Blank-"Oh, that is beca use be
fddles around customers face in a yio-
lent manner with viol raZor.''
A young man who held loaded pistol
to his head and threatened to blow his
brains out, unless the girl who had refused
him would consent to have him, was cool.
IL told by the young lady that he would
have to blow soma brains into his head
first, He didn't blow.