The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1884-03-13
Raising a Mustachc.

likely it was some of the Latter.day
Mormons, who remarked that there were
only two interesting events in a mans
life. The first was when hair began tc
come on his upper lip, and the second
when it commenced to 60 from the top Of
his head. When a person stops 10 con
slider how much attention is bestowed on
these appendages, and how small the
most of them are in spite of all theil
nursing, the rank they take among OBJ
jects of interest seems very remarkable
A doting father at the South End has
been watching the unfolding of his sons
upper lip from downy bloom through all
the stages to hirsute callowness with 8
cioseness of scrutiny that only fond
parent can bestow, and has arrived al
some startling conclusions. He was
talking of his family one day last week
in a drug store, and, after alluding to the
dentition of lis youngest, which had
just taken place, he dropped off into q
reyerie and said: "Yes, teething is bad
enough, the Lord knows; but, for real
trouble-genuine anguish, you know
there is nothing like lnustache that has
sprouted and just begun to break ground.
My boy Jack had it dreadful about two
years ago, and he hasn't recovered yet.
Why, the way that fellow acted was
enough to break your heart. He would
stand before the glass for half day at
time, looking at his face and rubbing it
10 terrible agony. Now and then he
would make frantic grab at his upper
lip, and stretching it out over his teeth
the way butcher does piece of tripe
when he is cleaning it, ne would rivet
his eyes on one corner of his mouth and
say 'golly,' in a way that made US think
he was going mad. By and by few
hairs came up on each side of his nose,
and when he had got eight little saplipgs
on one side and nine on the other, he
commenced to twist them for all he was
worth. Such coiling and twisting and
fondling and patting and nursing never
saw in my born days. Eight hours
every day was devoted to this work, and
frequently he got in ten or twelve. Civ
ing it speed Of about six revolutions a
minute, be would sit facing mirror and
work away without paying attention to
any one. Now working eight hours a
day at q rate of six turns minute he
makes 8,640 twists between the time he
gets up and goes to bed again, and con-
tinuiDg at the same speed for year it
reaches the enormous number of 3,l53,
600-more revolutions than the earth has
made since the azoic period. Why, il
he had been boring an artesiau we'll with
an auger and turned the crank as often
as he has his mustache, and worked at It
as steadily, he would have made hole
over six miles deep in year, allowing
the auger to cut only one.eighth of an
inch to every turn. If he had gone to
work in a net factory the labor he has
put into those seventeen hairs would have
twisted marlin enough to catch all the
fish that swim and had enough over to
fence henyard of million acres. 1t
has troubled him so much that he is sen
sitive, and the least allusion to it makes
him as mad as a humble bee. Only last
week his cousin Jennie came down from
Vermont on a visit, and when she had
kissed me, and my wife, she looked up to
my boy aud said why, Jackey, what a
dizzy little mustache you have got
Jack turned as red US rooster, and my
wife, knowing how sensitive he was, tried
to keep peace in the family by saying
IF you had seen how much he turned il
round and round you wouldn't wonder, ii
is enough to make anybody dizzy Then
Jack said, Cheese it, mother and lefl
the room in an awful fit of temper. He
won't come into the room where Jennie
is, and bis mother is wondering what
makes him act so odd. All can say
about it is that father who has boy
with sprouting mustache is terribly
afflicted parent, and he has my sympa
thy, for / have been there" He arose
after making these observations, and
wandered dejectedly homeward.