Daily Republican., 1884-05-08
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT.

and kissed hlm many Times, saying,
"Oh, papa, I'm so glad you have
come p The old gentleman threw both
arms around her and held her firmly
to his breast. Soon she looked up into
his face, and horror stood in her eye.
Oh, my, you're not my papa !" she
said, trying to free herself from his
EN- brace. " Yes, l am" insisted the old
gentleman, holding her tightly "you
are my long-lost daughter, and | am
going TO keep you right in my arms till
/ get q policeman" When the officer
came and found the old gentleman s
diamond pin in the girls hand, he said,
"That's new trick here. Ia it ?''
was the remark. Well, it's several
weeks old in New York :"
Parson," said man, approaching
an Arkansas minister. " reckon
you'd better take my name off your
church books and let me 60" Why
so?" asked the preacher. "You have
always been constant church mem
Der" Wal you see stole mule,
and thought it wouldn't be healthy
for the church for me to belong to it. "
When did you steal the mnle?"
About six months ago" Why
since that time you have assisted in
several revivals' Yes, but they proved
that ! stole the mule. So / have con
cuhed to quit the church. If they
hadn't proved it I'd have remained
longer"
A gentleman who rejoiced In the
name Of Kane was arraisned before a
facetious justice by a sergeant Of police
with, Very drunk, yer Worship.
Gave the police dale of thrubble. y
The lawgiver looked down upon the
! prisoner and then at the charge sheet,
! and az the name struck his eye he said,
"Oh, you're Kane are you ? Are You
,he man that slew your brother q
"No, your honor said the accused ;
"Ah I" responded the magistrate,
then you'll be further slowed for ten
dollars or ten days.
A distinguished wit WAS amusing
himself at dinner party by making
puns upon the names Of his nelghbOrs.
A censorious lawyer, desiring 10 stoI
these personal jokes, addressed him
thus !: 81 think, sir, that rejoice in a
| name upon whi, you will not be sble
to make a pun" :" Indeed p said the
wit. " Please, sir, tell me your name %
My name, sir, is Dunlop Then
retorted the wit, you have only tc
lop off the end and it is Dun" (done.
A gentleman was trying a horse one
day in company with the owner, pro
fessional jockey. Having driven him a
mile or two, the gentleman, who noticed
that he had pulled pretty hard, requir.
ing constant watching and a steady
rein, said, "Do you think this is just
the horse for u lady TO drive" "Woll
SIR answered the jockey, must
say l shouldn't want TO marry the
woman that could drive that horse"
Yes,' said the merchant, 81 al
ways mark the most expensive Of my
goods as 'sold during the holiday
season. Then when women read the
signs it makes them crazy to have the
same article, and they are so di,ap'
pointed that finally promise to try
and get them another-which of COURSE
have no trouble in doing. Oh, it's
great scheme, l tell you, and never
fails.
"Oh, yes - exclaimed Southern
Democrat, mice game you Republic
cans are playing. First you induce us
to educate the negro, and then you pass
civil service laws to make education
the basis of appointments under the
government. You want the blacks tt
have al our offices. Butt it won't work
We whites will block your game by
learning to read, too"
A poor Irishman was asked by /
judge if certain with ess, with whom
he professed to be acquainted, was OF
good character. "Well, your honor,
was the reply, che rades the Boible, lit
plays the fiddle, he never wbops the old
woman, and now and then he takes a
drop of good whisky. ! don't know
what more you could say for any man. .
Two young city ladies in the country
| we're standing by the side Of a wide
ditch, which they did not know how II
cross. They appealed for hel p to a boy
who was coming along the road, where
upon he pointed behind them with a
startled air end yelled, "Snakes !" The
young ladies each crossed the dtch at a
single bound.
mo % exclaimed Mr. Penhecker
"no, madam, | object most decidedly
Once aud for all say 1.-THE girls
shall not be taught foreign languages. >
"And why not, pray ?" said Mrs. p.
with withering sarcasm. " Because
said Mr.. p, with more whitening sar.
casm-" because, Mrs p, one tongue
is enough for any woman y
| Accustomed to It.--A gentleman
travelling in q railway carriage was
amused by constant fire of words be-
tive" two ladies'. One Of them at last
kindly inquired if their conversation
| did not make his head ache, when he
answered with a good deal of ingenious.
ness, "No, madam l've been married
twenty years."
Housemaid :" 1t does my heart good
to see you and tho baby together. It's
a pretty picture. Sure and he's the
Image of you" Fond mother: " But
they all say that he looks like his faith
er, Mary" Housemaid Bless
your soul, mum, he is not good looking
enough for that
Brown and Jones Still at IT." |
have three children who are the very
image of ymself," said Jones, enChusi.
| astically. 81 pity the youngest re-
turned Brown, quietly. Why"' ask
ed Jones. Because he is the one who
| will have to resemble you the longest, !"
said Brown.
".Jamcs' my son, take this lotter t.
the post office, and pay the postage for
H." Attera little while the boy James
| returned, highly elated, aud says,
" Father, l iced Il lot of men putting
letters in little place, and, when no
one was looking, l slipped conrs in for
nothing
A broom with heavy handle was
sent lately az wedding gift to il bride
with the following sentiment: This
tritling gift accept from me, its use !
would commend ; Iu sunshine use the
brushy part. in storms the other end. -
"James, do you love your sister %
yes, sir" "Well, show me how you
love her" The boy stood still, not