St. Landry democrat. (Opelousas, La.) 1878-1894, 1884-07-26
Hoffenstein's Whisky Bottle and
Pill Box.
-----s p
Figaro.

Figaro.
Hoffenstein had been sick for sew
eral days and when he appeared at
the store he was hollow-eyed, and
his head looked balder than usual.
.You must feel weak dis morning
HLisder Hoffenstein,' said Herman
kindly.
eyes | vas weak Herman because
I hat dose hot feyers und I gets out
uf my head away, und dreams all
kinds uf dings. Won ding vot [
dream vas dat Max Hornberger hat
big double brick store shust across
de street und it makes me so mad
dot I kicks my wife Leah in de back
und makes her year porous plasters
for de last dree days you know.
But I hat Won dream Herman vich
vas funny. I drinks you know, dot
I hears dalk between a visky bot
tie und a leedle pill box vot vas on
de mantel-biece, und yich happens
dis way. De yiskey bottle looks
down at de pill box und smiles und
says: "Misder Pill you vas awful
leedle and weak looking, but shust
turn your eyes on me und see how
big und strong I vas. Men drink
me und I shust spin dem around
like a to-, und knocks dere head
NIT de ground venefer I wants. De
oder night I makes a red headed
man hit four policeman in de stom-
ach NIT a barrel staye, rnd den /
dakes him home, und alder [ makes
him yip his wife, ind shove his baby
in de coal box, I shust troWs him
down de back steps und rolls him
around NIT wash tubs undil his nose
vas peeled und he hat dree ribs
broken. Ven [ stops blaying NIT
dot man he vas shust so Timber as a
red horse-blanket. Ha! Ha! Mis-
der Pill, don't you wish you vas a
strong fellow like me, instead uf
weak ind leedle? und de yiskey
bottle laughs undii / drinks it will
break its sides mid de vail. De
leedle pill box shust crosses its legs
und says: "You blows a tam sight
about vot you can do, Misder Wis
key, but you don't vas as big va
termelon as you drinks you vas. [
can do a couple uf dings myself ven
I want. I vas leedle but you can
shust bet your last cent dot [ can
make dings hum a tam lively tune.
All I want to make me perfectly
happy is to get hold uf man vot
Weighs couple uf hundred pounds,
ind I can bick him up out uf bed
at night und waltz him around de
house undil he gets as lame as an
old car mule und hat no more ex-
preston NIT his eyes. Ven I gets
warmed up NIT my work. [ shust
makes him dink dot he vas in a first
class Walking match, und you bet ]
meier yistles for him to start neider
Den, shust to change de pro
gramme, / gives him a dose u
cramps yot curls his legs under bis
chin und makes him work his toes
und howl like a wolf, und den
dakes him out uf bed vonce more
und chases him around de house
like Wind mill. Some nights ]
eff him de cramps SO dot de mex
morning de doctor comes aroune
und hat to straighten him out NIT {
derrick, und ven I gets done mi
dot big fat man he vas as empty al
an old valise, und for weeks he hire'
a niger to move him around in !;
push-cart. De viskey bottle Her
man, listens to de leedle pill DO,
und it shust scratches its head, unt
feels ashamed to dink dot leedl'
pill vot don't haf much to say, hat ;
heap If hidden power. Herman
dot dream uf mine hat a good NOR
al. Don't dink dot because a maj
vas more humble as you, dot h
don't be vert angling. Ii you dinl
dot way, you don't hat 50 much sens
as shack-ass, and with this re
mark Hofenstein sighed and relaps
ed into deep thought.