The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1884-02-07
CONsIDEnABLh COMPETITION.

Tho jamaica Farmer on the Church
kackei-Thc Patent Rubber OysicI
supper.
BROOKLYN Eagle sl..
"Been hayin' somethin' OF time out onl
way" remarked the Jamaica farmer, nod
ding genially to the cashier. sg'isyl
mot another church racket" smiled the
cashier, divided between bis desire to bt
polite and his desire to attend TO his bust
ness. .,rs.-,.s
"rhats the size OF It," responded the
farmer. And after refresLin' season O
awakenin' we are now reetin' spell: In q
little t,wn like ourn, every church wants
to keep up with its neiehbors, and thai
leads to u s2,t oil rivalry IN Christian labor
and i il snrprisin' to see the ingenuity oil
our different denominations In savin' souls
Along last fall the Baptists got the star,
and kicked up quite muss."
"What did they do2" asked the cashier
with yawn. F.- Il
"You see, the Baptist dominic got riled
up on the Sunday travelin' question. The
deacons took 1t in from his standpoint, and
they wrastled round with the Lord fol
some time, beggin' Him to take hold Of the
Ubiquitous enKiue and put out her fires On
Sundays. Az long as they had only the
Lord 10 deal with they got on first claes,
and were maxim big licks, but when the
dominic got to haudfn' around petition
10 the selectmen 10 compel 1t to stop, not
one Of the txhoitin' old brothers would
signw ~
why not p asked the crshier, with q
iaiut show Of interest.
"Guets" grlnned the farmer, "Becausa
| Ehey were all stock holders in the same uu.
yodiy line they had ail been prayin' over
That made good deal Of talk and aroused
H. curi"si,y q the fplks, which naturally
hn'tei !re church, Ind WAS the means OF
raiein' ,hr LII nissgr."
80 Ii helped The cIiuich y repeated the
cashier. ~ 49,. m q rl.
Certainly" replied the farmer, cheerily,
"butthe Ffe 'Dy;erisns got even. They got
up series Of kissin' bees TO draw tile young
io!ks irem the Baptist sanctuary, and you
can bet that Sunday School prospered and
the youngsters throve wonderfully in spir. t
ual matters. Christmas week the old
sharp had q kissin' match, and invited all
the other churches in, at 10 cents head.
They built new parsonage outen that one
racket ~
$50! !" exclaimed the cashier.
"Sure's you're born, and that made our
folks-we arc Methodisls-feel little
down on their luck, and we started in to do
some.hin' that would BIO worthy in the
sight OF Tue Father, and down tho other
brethren. When tney fust projected an
oyster supper, Inc and some OF tue others
WIS down on it. We said it was nothin'
new, Du: had been played 60 often that they
couldn't catch even the babies. But we
had 10 give it up. 1t seems that at the
quart'ly meetin' the elder had showed some
Of the women some patent rubber oysters
be had found in Chicago, and they saw
they couldn't lose anythin' on the business,
as the oysters couldn't. spoil If nobody
bought 'em, and if they'd buy 'em, they'd
be pretty apt to give 'em back, and We had
the bulge on the,oyster business indefinitely.
Our Christians are pretty friendly, and so
all the churches we're well represented.
The women got inltheir rubber stew and
passed the business round. There was
TWO oysters in each dish, and their idea
was that the folks wouldn't expect mor.'n
one oyster, and when they found two, one
OF 'em pretty tough, they'd just drop him
quietly aud say nothin' about it. But one
fellow that hadn't any bringin' up tried TO
cut one in two, and when he couldn't fetch
it he called in his friends. They took turns
at it, like the men at the postofIice Tor
stamps. You never seen such q time IN.
der the auspices OF the cause. BY that time
they began to tumble, and there was som.
mat Of an uproar. The next day the ladies
hired q man to sweep up the hair
on the carpet and wash the blood OF
the wall, but 1t coat US about $50 to put the
church back where it wss.r -.
You didn't come out pretty WE'LL" sug-
gested the cashier. y -.',. -.
"We busted the other congregations, and
now We are doin' all the business in our
line there Is bein' done in that sscsion.n
~ can't understand that" said the mys.
til. d c.shier. ~
"You just let 1t be understood that ont
siders can take hand in & church fight,
and that denomination Is going to have all
the six big cards in the deck. Il It. got out
that we had. been having knock down
aud drag out there, and now they come
from miles around to be there when 1t
happens agsin." t.,sa, ..,.-.,l H.,
"And the other churches are doing moth
ingp" asked the cashier. .,.r.s. . r.4.7,,5
Il heerd they was making arrangements
to get Sullivan to come for revival season,
and II he does you bet we, come in for co
percent Of the gate money, Ii they get
him, we'll open with white elephant, and
II that don't keep up ahead we'll come out
and confess TO hayin' killed the Maybees.
| We've got start, and you can shout we're
goln' 70 keep it, il it takes leg and law
suit" 81 yli:s5l
And the old man, having been directed
where he could get some good hard cider,
started to enjoy the blessings Of a purely
Christian community. -.
| How English Girls are Married or.