The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1884-05-29
WIT AND HUMOR.

NONn--OU Cty DeTTtcH.
"Do you believe in fate, Bridget"
asked the upstairs girl of the cook.
.'Shure an if Oi didn't, dyer s'pose
Old be after buyin' shoes?"
A Western Congressman says: "Ev-
cry man who comes to Congress has
two ideas" But, after such exaggera-
tion as this, nobody cares TO know
what this Western Congressman has 10
say.
1t is very funny. but as general
rule the waiter in swell restaurant is
about the only person about the prem
ises who doesn't wait for anything.
The man who orders the chop does
most of the waiting.
A New Yorker has incurred the dis
pleasure of all the undertakers in that
city, and they talk of boycotting him.
He has invented little spring to at
tach to gas jets so that when the light
is blown out the gas will be turned off.
-NOTTiStOsOn Herald.
Colonel George L. Perkins. of Nor
wich, Conn, who is 90 years old, said
in recent interview: ''I have buried
six family physicians and still live"
The Colonel could make fortune by
certifying to the particular brand of
patent medicine he used.
A western zephyr carried a cow a
quarter of milo through the air. and
set her down in milkman's yard. He
was so scared that he stopped grinding
chalk, and ran four miles for a rifle to
shoot the curious looking creature
with.-BurliHgtOn Free Press.
Don't slander your next-door neigh
Dor. He may be in impoverished cir
cumstances, and have few if any
friends. Don't speak ill of any man
until you are positive as to the exact
amount he can lift and the nature of
the person when aroused.
20 no, you don't '.laugh and grow
fat. That idea is all wrong. The
sentence should be reversed. You grow
fat and laugh. When you fat up you
have something to laugh. And other
people have something to laugh at.
Especially when you try to button
your shoes in a railway car.
Anew York man advcriiscs "a safe,
quick, and reliable cora remover. with
out the application of knife or caustics;
no pain experienced. Price only 81"
A young man who never walks out
without wishing he could leave his feet
at home forwarded 81, and two days
afterward received by express a live
crow.
Chicago has a Coaching Club. We
always thought the great need of Chi
cagO was something of that kind. We
don't know how contagious Coaching
Club is, but as it has taken Chicago six
wears to catch it from New York, st.
Louis will probably break out with it
about the time the Hennepin Ship
Canal is completed.
During the sermon, one of the quar-
tet fell asleep. ''Now's your chants"
said the organist to the soprano. ''See
il you canticle the TENOR. ''You
wouldn't dare duet" said the contral-
to. you'll wake hymn up" suggest
ed the bass. 81 could make a better
pun than that, as sure as my names
Psalm" remarked the boy that pumped
the organ; but he said it solo that no
one quartet.
Dumley was making an evening call,
and the nice little boy of the family had
been allowed to remain up little
later than usual "Ma," he said,
during lull in the conversation, "can
whisky talk?" Certainly not" said
ma; ''what put that absurd notion into
your head?" WELL" he replied, 81
heard you say to pa that whisky was
telling on Mr.. Dumley, and l wanted
TO know what it said"
We want Cinnamon, but we want
them long way Off The fiat has
gone forth that no Celestial shall ever
gaze on the woody gulches of the
Cnur d'Alene and live. II he insists
on coming, however, let him bring
roast pig, plenty of fire-crackers and
colored paper, and all the essentials
fer frst-class Chinese funeral. He
needn't bother about bringing the
corpse, though; it will be in readiness.
-Ceur d AIene Nugget.
Two dudes talk: Jaw, Cholly, / see
theah is going to be some change in
twousahs this spwing." ''Some what,
Gus?" ''Some change, don't you
know" Nav, you don't say? Well,
I'm dahn glad of it, foh ba Jawve,
theah's been so little in mine foh
thwee months, that weally l wouldn't
know a twade dollah from silvah in
diyidual butA.h plate, don't you know"
The officer who opens the court is
called the s'crier" On one occasion
the said officer had lost his wife, who
had led him an uncomfortable life, and
he was. of course, absent from his post.
When the court came in the judge, as
usual, said: '.Mr Crier, open the
court" A young and faceiious lawyer
addressed the Court rs follows: .'May
1t please your Honor. Mr. B can
not cry to-day; he has lost his wife. "
At Boston seance a disconsolate
widower succeeded in establishing
communication with his wife, who had
passed into the spirit land from the
Hub, of whose aesthetic circles she had
been q member. The man inquired if
she was Happy, and. if she liked her
new surroundings. to which she re-
piled: "Well, dear. it is very charm
ing and lovely and all that, but of
course you know. dear, it isn't Boston"
MRS. b. was speaking of Mrs. Us.
: ainy-day attire as combination
'poionaise and waterproof cloak"
when little Bijah wanted to know if
made of glass?" ''Made of glass!
Why, what do you mean. child?'
'Oh," replied Bijah, 'you always
1RShA Vi a. US -LustL ulcck llIIlC
bottled up woman and thought that
=" His thoughts on the subject were
diverted by a box on the ear.
A young man who believes in self
improvement, having recently married.
suggested to his wife that they should
argue some questions frankly and
fully every morning. in order to learn
more of each other. The first question
happened to be ''Whether a woman
could be expected to get along without
hat" and he took the affirmative.
and when he was last seen he had
climbed up into the hay-loft and was
pulling the ladder after him.-AaGayn
NeGOS and Bulletin.
''Oh, mamma" cried out q five-year-
old who had his nose fiattened against
the car window, ''did you see that shop
back there we just passed." No,
dear, what was it?" ''Why, mamma,
looked in the door and there was u
man with q hammer and a nail in his
hand, and he had poor horses leg up
in his lap and was pounding on it. :"
THAT was q blacksmith shop, dear"