Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-11-17

Takes everything-A photographer.
s'Oh, where shall find content?" sighs
magazine poetess. Have you tried the
dictionary, dear?
A Normal young man who fell in love
with fleshy young Bloomington girl,
confessed that he was infatuated.
'I'm not in politics this year, but I'll
take the stump all the same," said a
tramp, going down into the gutter for a
half-smoked cigar.
A fruit-grower with twenty-five years
experience comes to the conclusion that
dwarf pears are vastly inferior to stand
ards. Mr.. P. T. Barnum, on the contra
ry, has made dwarf pairs profitable,
where standards would not have begun
to pay.
A great big dog was roaming about
the yard muzzled, when little girl
rushed into the house in terror. Her
sister, younger but more valiant, coolly
surveyed the situation and reassured her
by remarking s'He can't bite; he's got
on his bustle.'
An exchange says that ''the Russians
are so fond Of tea that they continue to
pass hot water through the exhausted tea
leaves long after they have lost the power
| of imparting their taste thereto" In
other words, the Russians are so fond of
tea that they will drink plain hot water.
A queer marriage custom prevails
| among the eXiles in Siberia. If man
wishes to get married he applies to the
| governor, who selects one Of the female
| prisoners, with whom the matrimonial
candidate is expected to s'keep company"
| for two or three days. If at the conclu-
| sion of this term the male party declares
| that the lady selected is not to his mind,
| he receives twenty-five blows with a
stick, and another bride is chosen for
| him-and SO on. In most countries the
candidate for matrimony doesn't receive
the blows with stick until some time
after he is married. We don't know but
what the Siberian plan has it's advanta-
ges.
''Have you had any experience in op-
Grating circular saws?" inquired the pro-
prietor of saving and turning shop OF
an applicant for employment. Upon Civ.
ing an affirmative answer he was engag
ed and set to work. Half an hour later
the employer bethought himself to SET
how his new hand was doing, and fount
him gazing at the bleeding stump of the
fore-finger of his right hand. ''How die
you do that?" inquired the boss. ''Hov
did l do it? Well, 1 was wondering i
that thing was moving he said, point
ing to the circular saw, 'sand 1 put m,
finger down, just like that. Holy Moses
There goes the other one, he shrieked
as the index finger of the left hand be
came victim of his illustration, ssWell
are you satisfied that the thing is alive?
asked the proprietor of the saw
Jones came home in a dilapitated con
dition night before last and undertook t
hang himself up on the hat rack in th
front hall. His wife stood at the head G
the stairs watching him. First he woul
put his hat on tie bottom stair and the
: taking himself by the coat collar h
would make lunge for a hook just on
of his reach. Then he tried to hang u
his umbrella by the point. After it ha
!, fallen down several times he sat dow
on his hat and soliloquized: ''Most sstrt
rinary campaign. Never saw mother lik
' it. Party's all bro'kup. Men runnin
II aft strange gods. Nobody knows whei
e he STAINS. Blamed f know where l a,
!. any more. All the boys goin' noff. Wol
II der where old woman STAINS. Shouldn
be sprised t. find (hic) her bolter
wells rest just then she grabbed hi
by the neck and observed: sJohn Henr,
amt you ashamed of yourself staying oil
till 3 o'clock in the morning when yo
know I'm all alone here and sick at thai
r. You'll break my heart with your diss,
lutte companions, l know ss'Tishp
nash'nal ishue tall. Loci ishue Pre-
bishun loci ishue and 'er amt no usl
tryin' t. make nash'nal ishue ont # lot
ishue. Boyish shay it and know it Il
!. ju know it, 1t is a local Issue in tn;
e house now whether the mother-in-la
: will be sent for or not. The wife sa,
: that just one more break of that kind wi
|. settle it.