davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
oARLAND's INVESTIGATION

While Senator Garland was practicing law in Little Rock, L. B. Nash, now oi Colorado, was associated with him as a partner. One day, Garland, upon going to the office, found Nash in a condition of extreme drunkenness. It was not an argumentative, pursuasive drunk. Itwas Chip. hip, hurrah, git up and gis' drunk. Garland was surprised, as Nash was not whisky drinker, and, using a scriptural phrase, he marvelled greatly. Leaving Nash in the office, where ,ha, intoxicated gentleman had assumed charge of everything, Garland went out on the street, and. meeting friend, said ::
 My partner, Nash, is drunk, so drunk in fact, that don't believe he could strike terra firma with his hat.'
 "I am not surprised" the friend re- piled, for he drank twenty shoo-fiies"
 Garland knew nothing of a shoo-fy- thought probably that it was some kind of a fancy drink, but careful not to ex- pose his ignorance-and with that de termined investigation, which has ever characterized him, he went 10 a neigh boring saloon and said, with great con- 6dence:
 Give me shoo-1y."
 When the bartender drew a schooner of beer, and placed it on the bar, Mir. Garland regarded it moment, and said ::
 "Greas Lord, and this is a shoo-ay. Nash drank twenty of them. Nash is a dead man. Nash will never be sober. Twenty shoo-aies. Nash is gone. don't blame him for being drunk. Twenty shoo-hies. Enough to kill an elephant
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
A GUM cHEwER.

"Mr. Feekling," said the proprietor of a large dry-goods establishment, ~come into the ofiiee moment" Mr. Feckling, who expected promotion, was much ssr- prised to discover that the old mans re- marks did not drift in that direction.
 "I notice" said the proprietor that you are much given to chewing gum. It is bad enough for girl to indulge in this disgusting practice, bu, when a person who regards himself as a man contracts such habit, why it is a crime well de- serving of severest punishment This morning when a man came in and asked you if we had any light shavls, you re- pied, Yah, yav, yah-yes, sir, yer-yer yer-but they're wayer-ayer all packed up-un-up un.' Had your mouth 90 full of gum that you couldn't talk. My first impulse was to hit you with a spit toon, but after rejecting decided to give you lecture"
 The young man stammered and re- piled that he did not know there was any harm in gum.
 @Of course not. Gum of itseh is harm less, and unless you pat t h yosr msslk no possible harm can resuk. Yoo n2y not think that people noeice yss, bse tAey do. You drive enssomers away fom the store l see that you have begua se visit my daughter. She is also gum eAever. Whether you derived the hahit from her or whether she caushtis is from you, inow not.r
 The young man blushed, and mutfer- cd something to the effect that he vas
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
Fov Tl< Arkansa1 Tyspek<r. THE ODDITIES OF LIFE.
WILL V. CLEMENS.

Every COW knoweth her own fodder.
 Gossip-mongers are the rag -pickers of society.
 A diet of pepper won't make a man necessarily smart.
 An armless man is pretty sure to keep his hands out of mischief.
 A man with cold in his head cannot be called hot-headed individual.
 You can't shingle the roof of your mouth or cross the bridge of your nose
 When man steps over a watermelon he cannot say he has been over the Rhine.
 A blind man never has an eye to busi- ness neither does a deaf man believe all he hears.
 want to know which was made first. the egg or the hen? This will beat the fifteen puzzle, if you only give if little thought.
 The Cleveland Lsad<y contains this advertisement, Wanted, four young ladies for commercial travellers., As he grows older the commercial trzveler be- comes bolder and more depraved- What will he advertise for next?
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
HADN'T COME.

Is Mir. Rockville in p asked a man. entering an office and addressing lazy looking fellow.
 aNo.n
 "Has he been in to-day!"
 "No: hasn't come around.n
 "When do you think he will come ?'' "Have no idea"
 The man went away and about two hours later again entered the office. @Has Mir. Rockville come yet ?' "No; haven't seen him."
 My business with him is very impor- tant and should he come before l re- turn, wish you'd tell him that General Maley has called.
 "All right"
 Several hours afterwards the general called again.
 Has he been here"
 No, sir"
 "Well, don't see what's keeping him away. He wrote me that he would be in his office by nine o'clock"
 Perhaps he's there"
 "What isn't this his office !n No, sir"
 "Why in thunder didn't you tell me ?'' Why in lightning didn't you ask s' You are a fool"
 I'm all right You are the fool" Blamed if l don't believe you are right Let's go over here and take some thing"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
devo.edly attached to the girl, and wanted

devotediy attached to the girl, and wanted to marry her.
 " A fine couple you would make. suppose you have heard thzt was di- vorced from my wifer
 "Yes, sir"
 "Do you know upon what grounds the decree was grantedT
 No, sir"
 My wife chewed gum. That was enough for the judge, and he wrote me out divorce ike drawing up check. I have decided to assign you to different work Hereafter you may take care of the horse and wake sp the porter when he drops of to sleep"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
A PRAYER FOR THE FEpERALs.

Just before a famous battle, confed- federzse soldier discovered an old man kneelng by log praying.
 tsOh, Lord,' said the old man, have mercy on the federals this day"
 @Get up from there," exclaimed the soldiers. "Cot no better sense than to come around here praying for the d-d Yankees !"
 The old man looked up and requested to be let alone. The soldier demanded that the prayer should be diseontinued. Just then an officer called the soldier and said:
 "Why in the thunder don't you let that man alone. Dont you know him P
 No, vhe is heS"
 Secnew1ll Iacksou."
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

hogs that live beyond. How would the chief of the Nipmueks rather die? Here, slaves '" stamping. The two men who kidnapped me entered and bound me hand and foot. and then, retiring, they ief: me with the lunatic.
 "I do not want to die at all, moaned.
 @The cur would live always. Where is tee pasted bravery of thy people Waited away by the strong winds of retribution. l will leave thee here to pray. Make thou good use of the time, for soon shall return and take away with me thy cowardly head" and draw ing knife he brandished it and retired
 It is indiseribably horrible to be brought face to face with bloody death. could almost feel the knife. tried to pray, but my words sounded like profane mu;terings. To die by the violence of a crazy man, To be thrown over the fence among the hogs! Some one tapped on the door, and voice which l recognized asked:
 'Art done praying so soon? By my swelling soul will have thy head"
 "For the Lords sake, Mr.-I mean baron-iberate me. win leave, and never again will you see me-"
 "I will relieve thee of the trouble oi leaving my sight, for do not wish thee to accommodate me. I will accom- modate myself"
 He went away and walked up and down the hallway. Again tried to pray. My temples throbbed until thought my head would burst. The door opened and Diff entered, accompanied by the two men.
 Blindfold him."
 They obeyed, and in darkness I mo- mentarily expected to feel the edge of the knife.
 Lift him and follow me-"
 They complied, and was borne down stairs into what seemed to be a large room.
 Put him down here. Bring me the knife.n
 "Oh, Lord :" supplicated, "for the sake of Him who suffered on the cross, deliver me from the hands of this mad man "
 !" will soon return," said Diff, and l heard his footsteps as he walked away.
 1 hncied that l heard suppressed laughter, and then with a crash, band struck up. The bandage was removed, and found myself in a large room, in the midst of gay assemblage. Diff re- entered, dressed in a full black suit. Every body roared with laughter.
 "You must excnse us for this joke ? said Mir. Diff, proceeding to unbind me. :" It was deep laid scheme to show you the effects of sensational literature Sup per is ready. My friend, allow me to es- cort you to the table"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION:

Any part of the United States or Cana da, One Year. postage paid, Sa.oo Other Countries, One Year, postage paid, 300 Postmasters. or others, sending us i've or nore yearly subscriptions to the ARKASsAw TRAyELER, may retain $ per cent. of sub scription price as commission Requests of subscribers to have their pa pers mailed to a new address, 10 secure atten- tion must mention former as we'll as present address,
 Send money by P. O. order, or registered letter. Address,
 READ & BENHAM,
 LITTLE ROCK ARK.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
A Fsmiiy's Nomenclature.
lSyracuse Herald.

At the beginning of . school term all pupils in the public schools are required to give their fathefs full name. Ere quently the seachezs have hard work to get at the iirst name, and it is net an un- usual tking to become involved in . dia- logse something lil,s the one which took place yesterday in one of the city schools at the opening of the term.
 The teacher aslred Michael Murphy what his fathers name vas, and Michael said:
 @Nr. Murphy.'
 @WhAt is his first naneF'
 He never had but oae name.n
 "Weal what vosld yoa call him if you wanted nev ckne-Aesser.
 "When you spsak b him what do you
 aoh, I cast rsmember aIl say vAs. l spsak to him."
 But supposs he vss ont cAapsisg wood and yoa wene . the daoe and caned b him, vAaf vould yuu avF
 "He nevsr cuas uD vsod 1us M shouA ca1 hin voad caIl kin daAss
 sOA, dsafa viah l cpald na1ke ypu undesyeand what l maan. Now cSaA yoa seal ms vhas yesr mstAG calls
 "Yes, 'un; sAs calls hin cd rcd head.s
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

Beecher says that Cenezal Grant uas too innocent to knov anysAing of Ward,s Eandalent transactions. That is . fnct, Nr. Beechez. but doat you tAink that tAe sbusines expexience viIl be q value so the old warrior?
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

The weather prophsss say that the com ing simmer will be warm. Yes, as this is campaign year, some of the candi- dates will 6nd the weather particularly warm.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
INJURED POLITICALLY.

@Gub'nor," said an old negro, "b1ebe m % back ter de 'pubicans.n
 "Whyr
 "Wall, yer see, de white follu da told me dat ef l would be q dimocras I'd sit erlong better. l done so."
 ~Wen, were yoa noe bene6fedT
 Bsnefasdi ! Nor, sah, l va'A't, fur zaissd de vsS czep dis las' ysar dat eber ! had Fl daE's de vsy 'nsczacy is gvineter sarve me, doan' vast nufAin' ter do vid i1.s
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

The place fnr people vAo aze unaAas to teed themseives-Feejee lslands.- L1uaH C1sviev.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
TO CONTRACTORS.

Manuscripts unaccompanied by stamps, will not be returned. We do not pay for matter unless if be specially ordered.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

H. C. Burner, editor of PYek, has written a novel fer the Ctsfz1y, the first installment of which appears in the cur rent number.
 The political opinions ofthe Little Rock Gazekf< are quoted by the leading news papers of the country. "The old lady, as the Ga=efke is sometimes called, is ut- tezing words of wisdom in this her seven tieth year. It speaks well for Arkansaw, showing that her utterances concerning the affairs of the nation are appreciated by prominent skirksrs.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

The Rsgisfey, of Raleigh, N. C., is one of the neatess, most ably-edited and alto gether one oi the best papers in the south.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31
IOURNALISMS.

The New York Dial is an excellent newspaper, refined in tone. and able in expression.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

Is Mir. Rockville in p asked a man, entering an office and addressing a lazy looking fellow.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1884-05-31

MT. Diu witn contempt DoSe knos that mister is plebeian9 Upon a former conference with thee, the time when thy then disguise was discovered, 1 warned thee not to bestow upon me the nickname of groveling familiarity. Thinkest thou that do not know thee :? Ha, ha" and he glared at me.
 "Who am P
 "Thou art the chief of the Nipmucks. An, know thee"
 "You make mistake p exclaimed 1, in alarm. "I am only poor bookseller, while you are great baron."
 "The mean device of a sneak. lhave had my eye on thee for months. The council decided that thou shouldt be taken and conveyed to the castle. Thou art here am thy judge" "I hope that you will do me no harm, MT. =, l mean baron-and that you will soon restore me to my friends" @Thy intends are also condemned. The bloody kmi5e hangs above their heads."
 He drew himseH ap and glared at me. l fslt thas my hair vas tuning gray. How vouldM the red-handsd Sh;sfos the Nipmuchs rather diee By old age fssssoth." 1" and the cray man hugAed "Grsat Lord, baron, you not mean so kill me. l hope.s
 Hope is the silly faith of fools. Ere the sna shah rise, thy oorpse win he thrown from the batf3emenes amenx
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1884-05-13
THE CLOSING HOURS OF THE LEGIS-
JzTUPF

The Legislature has adopted q resolution to
adjourn on the 10th of this month-next Fri
day. The time that remains is short, while
some of the work that remains to be done Is inn
portaIit. The responsibility is with the Repub-
licans, since they are in the majority in both
Senate and Assembly. They have made a
record since January upon which the party can
confidently go before the people this fall Let
them see to it, therefore, that no mistake is
made in this last critical week. A large number
of bills are still to be acted upon. Some or these
never had any good excuse for being, and when
they come up for third reading motion to
strike out their enacting clauses ought to pre-
vail Let the members watch for these bills, re-
Numbering that the lobby is never so powerful
and persistent as during the concluding days of
the session. Another class Of bills is made up
of those against which no objection can be
urged, but for whose passage there is no urgent
need. These can be postponed without injury
TO ANYBODY. The rest of the bills, and this class
is not large, cannot be allowed to fail without
detriment to grave public interests, and their
failure would subject the Legislature of 1884 to
grave condemnation.
II is not necessary that THE TRIBUNE should
DOlnt out the measures WillCI ouSHt w NC given
precedence; we discharged that duty a few
DAVIS ago. Every intelligent law-maker knows
which are the good, which the bad, which the
indifferent We have only to add on this head
that nothing ought to be allowed to stand in
the way of the final passage of the reform bills re-
ating to this city which have already passed both
houses and some of which have been recalled from
the Governor for amendment The future we'll
being of the metropolis, as everybody knows, is
largely conditioned upon the success of those
measures. 1t is most unfortunate that they
are to be included in the business Of the last
week, for there is enough and to spare without
them. But if both houses labor with unfalter-
ing vigilance and industry until the end, these,
and all the other really vital measures, can be
disposed of, and disposed of properly, before the
end of the week.
Last year there was a Democratic Senate and
Assembly. The result Of their labors was not
satisfactory to the people, and the consequence
was the election of Republican Legislature In
November. The Senate holds over, but new
Assembly IS soon to be elected Will 1t be Re-
publican7 We believe it will. If every repre-
sentative of the party at Albany does his whole
duty until Friday night there is no danger that
the Assembly of 1SS5-which will take part in
the election of United States SenatOr-will be
controlled by the Democracy. Our party
friends all over the State realize this and there
fore await the outcome of the week with great
interest. A word to wise legislators Is sufficient
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1884-05-13
NATIONAL BANKS AND DEPOSITORS.

The disastrous failures Of Grant, Ward & Co.
and the Marine Bank have caused some impor-
tant questions to be considered in new lights.
The management Of the bank Is criticised in
some quarters as ii it reflected discredit upon
the National system, and it is said, The Ma
tional banking system has undoubtedly fully
asecured the noteholder but who looks after the
"depositor" 1t seems strange that people should
forget the origin of the National system. 1t
was not to create new banks, or to provide
greater safety for depositors, that the system
was organized; the sole object was to provide
regulations under which banks or persons, en-
powered by previously existing State laws to do
general banking business could with safety to
the public acquire the power of issuing circulate
ing notes. To this end, certain restrictions were
imposed. and certain powers of control were
given to Federal officials, and it may be said
with truth that, except for the purpose of pro-
tecting the note-issuing system, the general
banking business would have been left as free
from restraint or supervision as the business of
Brown Brothers g. Co.. or DTexel, Morgan &
Co. Is now. The banks which have come into
tho system have surrendered some portion of
their freedom, and submitted to some sort Of
supervision, solely In order to share the advant-
ages arising from the Issue of circulating notes.
Private bankers receive deposits o-day, as
they have received deposits from the origin of
the banking business, without any restraint or
supervision whatever, nor are they required to
make any statements. The Jaw assumes that a
man will not trust his money to such a firm I'M
less it has an established character upon which
he feels that he can rely. 1t assumes that such
n character can be maintained only by n more
strict regard for the rules of commercial honor
and sound banking than 1t Is possible to secure
by any legal regulations. If men are not
thought in need of any protection" when they
choose to intrust their money to such houses,
why should it be supposed that depositors in
National banks stand in greater need9
The only reason that can be given is that the
very organization Of the National bank, and the
limited measure of restraint and supervision to
which it is subjected, give many people greater
confidence in it than they would have in bank
ing firm. But this is an acknowledgment that
the limited measure of restraint and supervision
does soperate to some extent an additional
security TO depOsitOrs. This being admitted, we
are brought to the main fact, that the public
often foolshly assumes that it is the object and
is in the power of Federal law to secure deposit
tors perfectly, and that watchfulness as TO OBJ
servance Of commercial rules, or scrutiny in re-
gard to the maintenance IOf high reputation, is
no longer to be expected of depOsitors. Be-
cause the Government has incidentally given
them some help, they are no longer called upon
to exercise any caution whatever for them
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1884-05-13
LIFE VING At SEA,


| Again the wreck of the Florida calls attention
to the defective nature of the precautions ordi-
narily taken on passenger steamers for saving
life in case of disaster The State of Florida
| had no life belts, and more than enough life
and other boats to have saved every soul on
board, and while 1t is true that she sank SO
| quickly as to prevent many people from
reaching the deck, it is clear that had her life
saving apparatus been of kind to be instantly
available, two or three times the number actu-
ally saved might have escaped. In this, as in so
| many other cases, there was difficulty about
| launching the boats. The falls of one OF them
| fouled some panic-strclen fool cut the ropes,
and the boat-load of people was emptied
into the sea. This same accident has happened
again and again at sea, despite the adoption OF
all sorts of patent falls warranted not to foul.
The fact is that these bOat-tackes are seldom
overhauled, and when wooden blocks are used
the ropes are ant to swell if wet, and JAM When
a boat is loaded, moreover it is always more
difficult to launch In a seaway, and it requires
cool and steady hand at each dayit.
As to the life-belts, it does not appear that one
of them was used, though they might have kept
many persons aAoat until they were taken into
the boats. There we're no life-rafts on board,
and this was a serious omission, for in such cir
cumstances life-Tafts could have been turned to
better account than any other apparatus. The
launching Of boats takes time, more especially
when they are not in the proper state of dtness
for launching The launching of life-rafts
takes practically no time. There are no falls to
get fouled. There is no chance Of capsizlng;
and If the navigation of a life-raft is more diff
cult than that of a boat, this defect is not Of
special importance where the wreck occurs in
the regular line of ocean travel, and the proba-
bilities of a speedy rescue are great The one
essential in all ocean life saving apparatus is
that it should be instantly available. This, of
course, involves simplicity in its construction,
and above all it requires to be detachable
swiftly and easily. 1t should be so fastened
that nothing more than the cutting or breaking
of a rope-yarn is necessary to detach it and put
it in working order, and it should be so con-
spicuously placed that every passenger will
know where to find it.
The time will never come, probably, when
boats will not be necessary, but they will have
to be launchabe with much less toll and trouble
than at present, and they will have to be sup
plemented with more accessible and more easily
handled apparatus, Of the life-raft character.
Even then panic will at times cOunteryai every
precaution, and stupefed people will neglect the
means of safety provided for them. But when
the commander retains his presence of mind
even a few minutes may be taken advantage of
to save many lives and 1t is certainly the duty
of all lines carrying passengers to that every
possible opportunity for rescue in such cases is
a1
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1884-05-13

here know very little OF them their doings Once and
again read In two three lines Of the newspaper that
they have shifted their base of operations from one out
skirt OF London TO another. They TO be making the
circuit OF the metropolis. But the truth Ia, their
mission has been unpreoedentedy successful as they
deem su,cess Their meetings have been and still are
daily and nightly crowded, and the old revival ma
obinery Is just efficient II must be ia the
order and growth OF civilization that these methods o.
gion viii give place to others after the fashion OF
present day lifo."
II ia not strange" says The Independent, that the
two American dvnes selected for the degree Of Doctor
OF Divinity at the Tercentenary Of the University OF
Edinburgh should Bota have been Presbytersns. But IL
is interesting to notice that both OF theh Professor
Green of Princeton aud Professor Briggs Of Union are
In the same department OF Old Testament eKege5s.
Here is Just now the fruitful and important field OF In
vestisation. The great questions OF theology gather
about doctrine Of Inspirations and the formulation OF
that doctrine dpends now chiefly upon what careful
criticism tell MS OF the origin and character or the Ola
Testament Scriptures Therefore our two leading Pres
byeran scholars in that department, represetng TWO
somewhat different tendencies were seected"