The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1884-01-23
COMIC COMMENTS.

What relation does the doorstep bear to
the door-inat PITS a step-father.
g We are fellows who raise wheat" say
the Bulls of the Produce Exchange.
= Colora do is almost desert, and it is re
freshing to know that she even has rail-
road pool
patch am a heap easier to karry bout
wild yo' dan tailor's bill dat yo kyant pay.
-P'qntation Philosophy.
The Burlington Haaokeye concludes that
the reason there is no such word as " failn
is because assignment is SO agreeable
substitute
A lady and gentleman accidentally touch
ed each others feet under the table. "Se-
cret telegraphy, said he . Communion of
soles,n said she.
Unlike Amelica, the republic of Switzer-
land offers none Of the opportunities of
wealth to school teachers, the average wages
being 1880 year
Whenan American PUSHES into restaur-
snt for a five-minute meal, he generally be-
gins with fish that is he takes 4 perch At
the lunch counter.
/" bog thousand pardons for coming so
late" My dear sir" replied the lady,
graciously, g no pardons are needed. You
can never come too late. ''-After Punch.
Vanderbilt's interest on his United States
per cont bonds amounts to 1888 per
minute. How much did he make when the
change to standard time went into effect?
The latest dude story is that farmer saw
couple oil these agonizing specimens on
the street and exclaimed. 60 Gosh what
things we see when we don't have gun %
Troy Times
Why is q young lady's age, after she
reaches 20, like floral wedding. bell P" asks
an outsider. And he says 1t is because it
| is never told !" but that is libel. Morris.
| tolrn Herald
| Excuse rue" said q polite citizen to a
colored man. !" / didn't kick you on pur.
pose.n 'sNo, sab, kicked me ON de shin.
sub. 'scuze yer dis time, but don't git in
de habit OBJ it, sah ''-Arkaasa@ Traveller
Jones asked his wife, +" Why is a husband
like dough ?" He expected she would give
it up, and he was going to tell her that ii
was because woman needs him; but she
said it was because he was hard TO get of
her hands,
The Louisville Coasfel-,JoMpa5 has eyi.
IDENTIFY been there II says :. Woman among
sayages is a beast of burden; in Asia she is
q piece of furniture in Europe she is a
spoiled child in America she is boss"-
7oiedo Blade.
An onithologist has discovered that to
have an appetite proportional to that of
robin, man would have to devour daily a
string of sausages sixty-seye feet long, and
nine inches in diameter. Make bob o
ink of himself in fact.
4" Is Mr.. McJessup at home ~ inquired
man of q servant who answered the bell.
. All sir, replied the maid, " he is dead
and was buried day before yesterdays
Dead, is he-er-well, then, won't dis
turb him. Teras Strings
Tne'6 arrest of the nIst known Chinese
tramp and beggar is announced in New York.
Another right invaded by the Celestials,
who seem determined that free-born
Americans shall not monopolize all the
roads to wealth. Boston Courier.
" Three years elapse before the heroine
again appears" read countrymen between
acts in one of the uptown theatres at a
recent matinee, and rising and yawning, he
| put on his coat and started out, saying, 81
don't believe have time to wait"
| A fraI - sa1ff,
hand ON Wall street the other day and rolled
clear out of sight behind pile of envelope
boxes. " How it sneaks out Of sight !" ex-
claimed the clerk " that trade dollar al
ways was ashamed of itself, and not without
reason
Modern Elijah, who inclines to be face
tious :" I'm getting to be pretty bald, amt
l? Guess you'll have to cut my hair for
half price, hereafter Ell pr Tonsorial artist,
who is equal to the emergency" Oh, no,
sir ; we always charge double when we
have TO hunt for hair !"-I,o,cen Citizen.
Oh, yes, dear girl, work us motto for
present. But have some taste. Last year
girl gave us one that read; " Honesty
is the best policy" and another damsel one
that declared :" Repent, for the kingdom
of Heaven is Mt hand !" Somehow those
didn't just strike us pleasantly. They
seemed to be--well, you understand. -Bos
ton Past
" How stupid am, said Birdie McHen-
nepin, languidly, excuting at the same time
quite respectable yawn act That's
true" remarked Gus DE Smith, rather i'm
pulsively. g Sir !" exclaimed Birdie, g you
are impertinent.' g But you yourself just
now asserted that you were stupid"
only said so without thinking" said Birdie,
petulantly Z" Yes, and up to the time you
spoke ! had only thought so without saying
t."-T'eras SJ1inas.