davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
QUAKER CITY JOKES.
A Few Clippings from the ''PhiladeIphia
Evening CalI.o
ABOUT RELATIONSHIP.


Billings-."What strange discoveries
are being made A scientist says that
potatoes and the deadly nightshade be-
long to the same family"
Noted Caterer-'That may be true. -
Billings 1.-THE strange relationship
does not surprise you?'
Noted Caterer mot at all. Such re-
lationships are quite common"
Billings-"You don't say so? Give
me familiar example,"
Noted Caterer-"Well. chicken salad
and veal outlets are first cousins"
WHAT BE WANTED.
"Now see here, William, you are not
going out of this theatre until the play
is over p
But I am not going out of the
"Oh, no! you are only going into the
lobby to cool off. [ have heard that
story before. You Just stay right here
in your seat. Why is it that you never
wanted to go out between the acts be-
fore we were married, and now you want
to dart out every time the curtain
falls ?"
81 don't know, my dear, unless it was
because [ had nothing to go out for"
Nothing to go out for Well, sir,
what have you to go out for now ?"
Il want to rest my ears"
NEW YORK, 1884.
Strauger-"W hat is going on in that
opera house ?"
Citizen-"A grand concert. minstrel
performance, pedestrian tournament and
cat show combined.
Stranger "'What is it for ?"
Citizen-"For the benefit of the
Bartholdi statue pedestal fund"
A COMMONPLACE DINNER.
"Did you have pleasant time ?" a
mother asked of her daughter, who had
Just returned from a fashionable dinner
party.
"Oh, yes" was the somewhat indefi-
mite reply, pheasant enough time, but I
thought the dessert rather common"
"What was the dessert?''
"Ice cream and strawberries. Just
think of it /! strawberries, and here it
is February. We might have had rasp-
berries at least" and the young woman
rang for her maid to come in and help
her draw long breath.
THEY NEVER COME sINGLY.
The father gazed at the triplets, his
first borns, snugly reposing III the cradle,
and remarked to the nurse:
care they boys or girls ?"
Cali girls, the little dears. What
treasures they are u
eyes, little fortunes, as it were, little
Miss-fortunes."
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
AN INGENIOUS THIEF.
How Three Pair of Diamond Earrings
Were stolen from a Jeweler.

"Of all the tricks, devices, subter-
fuges, sharp lodges or receptions ever
saw, " said a ieweler to reporter, twas
one by which a sharp fellow stole from
me three pairs of diamond earrings.
He evidently knew when was not in the
shop. He came in one day and said to
one of my clerks, is Mr.. johnson in y
| No. was the reply. Il am sorry for
| that he said, Il wish to buy pair OF
| diamond earrings for my wife This
was repeated on four or five successive
days. The last time he said he would
not wait to see me, but would look at
some earrings. The clerk showed him
an assortment, and he finally selected
three pairs, valued at 9100, and said, Il
guess 1 will let my wife select from
these. She will be at my office in an
hour, and 1 want you to tell Mr.. John
son to bring these around himself, as he
is acquainted with my wife, All right,
sir, l will, replied the clerk. BY the
way said the fellow, IF you will permit
me, [ will write note to Mr.. Johnson
Certainly said the clerk, as he showed
him desk and pointed out where he
could get paper and envelopes. He sat
down, wrote a short note, folded it and
put it in an envelope and directed it TO
me. Then he went back to the counter
and said to the clerk, L think you had
better put the three pair of earrings in
here, so that Mr.. johnson will be sure
to bring the right Ones Very well,
said the clerk, who handed out three
pairs of earrings. The fellow dropped
them in the envelope before the clerks
eyes, and was apparently about to seal
the envelope when he said suddenly,
ooh, L guess you may put in that other
pair, pointing to a pair that the clerk
had laid on the shelf behind him. The
clerk turned and got the other pair and
handed them to the fellow, who dropped
them apparently into the same envelope,
sealed them up, handed them over, and
said, Let Mr.. johnson bring the four
pairs to my Office as soon as he comes
back, giving the name of a we'll known
firm In the vicinity. Then he left, and
the clerk laid the envelope on one side
until | returned. OF course we found
but one pair of diamond earrings in the
envelope, which was the last pair dropped
In. The other three pairs were paste
about the same size. The fellow had
taken two of my envelopes, and into one
he had placed the three bogus pairs.
When the clerk turned to get the fourth
pair the fellow had put the genuine into
his pocket and substituted the others.
We never saw him afterward, but heard
that he had practiced the same game in
other places"
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
THE JEANNETTE'S DEAD.
The PerilOus Journey from Matyeh In
Hamburg.

The funeral services, in Hamburg
Germany, over the remains of Lieuten-
ant Commander De Long and his com
rades of the Jeanette were very i'm
posing. The hall in which the collins
lay was decorated with American FLAGS.
The collins were buried under wreaths of
flowers. Among the persons present
were the burgomasters of several cities.
many members of the Hamburg Senate
and the presidents of various chambers
OF commerce. Bureomaster Peterson.
OF Hamburg, placed a wreath upon the
coffin of Lieutenant De Long in the
name of the City Senate. and made an
address IN which he gave high praise to
the courage of the Americans and ex.
pressed the sympathy of the people of
ham burg for the deceased. He thanked
Lieutenant Harder for recovering the
remains at such sacrifice. Professor
Nenmayer, on behalf of the geographical
societies OF Hamburg, Vienna. Munich
ana Berlin, placed wreath upon the
conn. A committee from the Reichstag
dld the same. Lieutenant Harder and
United States Consul John M RaiIoy
returned thanks for the honors which had
been paid the deceased.
The remains were then quietly placed
on board the Frisia for transportation to
tins country. The Transportation of the
BODIES from Matveh, where thew We're
found, has been a most serious task and
reflects no little credit upon the officer
in charge.
From Matveh they were taken by rein.
deer sleds to Yakutsk, distance Of sO0
miles; from Yakutsk, by horse sled In
Irkutsk, 2,342 miles; from Irkntsk Inv
horse sled, to Krasnoyarsk, go miles.
from Krasnoyarsk, by horse sled tn
Tomsk, 367 miles; from Tomsk. bv
horse sled, to Omsk, 5S2 miles; from
Omsk, by horse sled, to Orenburg, ]. OO0
miles; from Orenburg, by railroad, TO
Moscow Cabout), 900 miles; from Mos
COW, by railroad, to Hamburg, 800
miles, Making total of 8, O51 miles,
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
LORDS WHO LIKE OUR LAND.
English NobIemen who are Deeply Inter-
e@ted in American Agricultural Real


The largest owner of land bought in
recent years in this country Is Slr Ed
ward James Reed, M. P. for Cardiff,
Wales. He has purchased IN the last
ten years 2, OOO, 600 acres of well-seiected
cattle-grazing land in Montana and Da-
kota. Sir Edward Reed is a practical
man and the founder of his own fortune,
which he got out of the iron and coal
mines of his native Wales and the tin
mines of Cornwall. His investments IN
this country directed many others to our
public domain who had great confidence
in his sagacity. Next in consequence Is
the purchase last year of 300, 600 acres,
consisting mostly of pine land IN the
State of Mississippi, though included IN
this holding are 100000 acres of the
finest agricultural land on the continent,
living on the Yazoo river bottoms. This
magnificent property belongs to the
firm of Philips. Marshal & Co., wealthy
corn factors of Mark Lane, London,
who are also the largest dealers IN
American wheat and other grains IN
England.
Next in consequence comes the Grant
estate, which includes an entire county
in Kansas, and has within its bounds
35O.OnO acres. This probably is the
most desirable landed estate held by a
single owner in America, as the land is
rich, we'll watered, and settled mostly by
emigration farmers from England and
Scotland. Alexander Grant, the owner,
has laid off all his lands into farms,
built about 400 good farm houses, each
with the necessary out-bui!dings, and is
conducting the estate inst as though it
was north of the Cheviots instead of
America.
The Duke of Portland owns about
500, 900 acres, part Of which is on the
North Platte in Nebraska and part in
Colorado. Not much of it is yet in eul-
tivation. Lord Stafford owns 100000
acres on the line of the Northern Pacific
railroad, and he is gradually colonizing
it and getting it into field cultivation.
Lord Dunraven is the pioneer of the
English nobility in American land. own
ing. He bought the well-known prop
erty in Colorado called by him Dunraven
Park in 1868, and at government prices.
Dunraven Park contains about 100000
and subsequently 10000 acres more
were added. 1t is one of the best cattle
ranches in America, being a lovely val
ley, full of pure streams fed by noun
tain springs, rich in the best cattle
growing grass known, and the whole
property is fenced in by mountain
ranges. It is now easily worth 81 .000,
900, but Lord Dunraven refuses to sell
it at any price. Lord Dunmore owns
10, 900 acres not far from Dunraven, and
very much the same character of land,
which is rapidly improving. The Duke
of Beaufort is one of the four owners of
100000 acres recently bought by En-
glish gentlemen in the Panhandle of
Texas, and Sir John Rae Reed is another
of them, the others of interest being
two rich bankers sons. There are many
other EngIishmen who have from 1000
to 9, 900 acres in Colorado, Texas, Da-
kota and New Mexico.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
Exported Grain.

The London Grocers' Journal says
'sThere is a very common idea that the
Americans inundate us with their grain
It is not so. Mr.. Mongredien. in his
pamphlet on Free Trade and English
Commerce $780,, declares that this is
a great mistake, and he even goes SO far
as to say that the Americans do not send
us as much as one shipload of grain in
the course of the whole year. The
whole of the large importations into the
United Kingdom of American wheat,
maize, etc., are, according to him the
purchases made in New York and Balti-
more by English miIlers, and shipped
thence for English accounts at English
risks paid for by the buyer, in fact, be-
fore he gets possession of the goods. ="
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
For TWe"fy ears.
PoRTANT OPINION By AN EMINENT NEW YoR

1-"A O%NA%h-'- $500
A correspondent of the Syracuse On. Y }
Journal sends his paper an interesting inter
view with one of the leading justices of the
supreme court of the Stale of New York,
from which we quote:
Yes, sir; | have been on the bench for
twenty years, and have never missed an ap-
poiptment through physical debiIities.
" In the spring of the year make it an in
variable rule to help nature clean house by
using standard blood purifier, and to this
attribute my extraordinary vigor. l am
nearly seventy years old"
This man is philosopher as well as a
5urisU. The early spring is natures house
cleaning y time. Then the blood is full OF
the impurities of the long winter. Nature
ficaton be not complete the system is liable
10 attacks of pneumonia chills and fever,
malaria, rheumatism, liver and kidney and
blood disorders, headaches, bowel derange-
ments, and the debiitating effects of summer
heat. The use of a pure vegetable, non-alco-
hole prepal alton is then all-important.
{" No, | should not like my name to be used
publicly, but you may say" sad the lurlst,
- that the only medicine | use is Dr. David
Kennedy's FaVOrite Remedy, of Rondout, n.
va most excellent preparation, which l
always warmly commend to my friends
everywhere"
The Favorite Remedy has been twenty years
in use, and it is said that it is pleasant to
take cures in ninety per cent. of cases, and
can harm no one. 1t challenges the fullest
comparison as preventive and curative. 1t
is purely vegetable, non-alcoholic, and can
be used with the utmost safety by children
and adults We do not wonder that it has
the cordial Endorsement of the best physicians
and the public. "
DIR. ELMoRE's observation-disclosures is
now only $3.50 for G5-oz. and 81 for 21-oz.
bottles. Cures all rheumatism, malaria, dys-
pepsia, kidney, liver and bladder diseases. Ex-
pressed anywhere. l05 William street. n. Y.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
A NOTED BUT UNTITLED WOMAN.

The ,ove is a good likeness of Mrs. Lydia E. Pink.
ham, or lynn Mass who above all other human beings
may be truthfulIy called the Dear Friend of woman
as some of her correspondents love to call her. She
is zealousy devoted to her work. which is the outcome
of a ufe-study, and is obliged to keep six lady
assistants to help her the large correspondence
winch daily pours in upon her each bearing its special
burden Of suffering or joy at release from it. Her
Vegetable Compound is a medicine for good and not
evil purposes have personally investigated it and
am satisfied of the truth of this.
On account of its proven merits. it Is recommended
and prescribed by the best physicians in the country
One says: 1t works like charm and saves much
main Il will cure entirely the worst form Of falling
of the uterus, Leucorrhoea, irregular and painful
Menstruation all Ovarian Troubles Inflammation and
liberation Floodings all Dispacements and the con-
seuuent spinal weakness, and is especially adapted to
the Change Of Life"
Itpernaeates every portion of the system and gives
new life and vigor. 1t fantness, atulency,
DESTROYS all craving for stimulants. and relieves weak
ness of the stomach. It Floating Headaches,
Nervous Prostitution, General Debility sleeplessness,
Depression and Indigestion. That feeling Of bearing
down, causing pain, weight and backaehe, is always
permanently cured by it's 1t win at all times and
under all circumstances act in harmony with the law
that governs the female system.
costs only 81 per bottle six for S., and is sold by
druggists Any advice required to special cases. and
the names of many who have been restored to perfect
health by the use of the Vegetable Compound can be
obtained by addressing Mrs p, with stamp for reply
at her home in Lynn, Mass.
For Kidney Complaint Of either sex this compounds
unsurpassed as abundant testimonials show.
"Mrs. Pinl1hams Liver Pills. says writer, care
thu best in the lcorId Sor the of Constipation
Biliousness and Torpidity of the liver. Her Blood
Purifier wonders in it's special line and bids fair
to equal the Compound in its popularity.
All must respect her Angel of Mercy whose sole
ambition is to do good to others.
Philadelphia, Pa, ca Mrs. A. M. D.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28

Some ten wears ago while at the Reed
House, Erie, Pa, was taken SICK WIN tn9
spotted fever and was very low; my BACK anu
spine seemed to be affected, with terTlple
pains in kidneys and back. For IouIUeeI
days laid, and could hardly stir, and sui erea
the most intense agony imaginable. My feet
and limbs were bloated; my water was very
unnatural, a deep, red color and brlck-dusG
deposit, and was fast losing strength anu
vitality. The doctors treated me, put VIII
no benefit, and l used many different 1 IIe
cines that had been recommended; None
of them did me any good until used HUNT S
Remedy, as my attention was called 10 tne
case of Hon. Joshua 1uthlll, OF East sag
NAV, Mich, similar case to mime, ne pelng
cured of a severe case of Br1ght'S disease L
purchased bottle, and used it according 10
directions. I began to gain in strength; my
water became more natural; the terrible
pains in the back and loins were removed;
the swelling of my limbs went down.. l con-
tInued the use of the medicine until hau
used in all five (5) bottles, and 1t has built
me up and completely cured me, and am
as sound and healthy as any man Of forty
eight years of age, and can at Ell d 10 my
business every day. L have recommended
Hunts RENE dy to many of my tr-ends here
in Buffalo, and it HIS proved, as IN my case,
a succe S with them all. Gralefqlly yours,
CHARLES i WEBB,
Tiff House, Buffalo, N. Y, June 10, 1883.
CAMpHoR MILK cures aches and pains. Price, CSC.
Walnut Leaf Hair Restorer.
1t is entirely different from all others. 1t IS
as clear as water, and as its name indicates Is a
perfect Vegetable Hair Restorer. 1t will imme-
diateIy free the head from all dandrutf, restore
gray hair to its natural color, and produce new
growth where it has fallen Off. 1t does not in
any manner affect the health, which sulphur,
sugar of lead and nitrate of silver prepare
tions have done. It will change light or faded
hair in few days to a beautiful glossy brown.
Asy your druggist for it. Each bottle is war
ranted SMITH, KLINE q Co., Wholesale
Agents, Philadelphia, Pa, and G. N. CRITTEN-
TON, New York.
Phoenix Pectoral breaks cold and stops cough. CSC
eaPDECoRATIvE ART.-Explicit directions for
every use are given with the Diamond Dyes
For dyeing Moses, Grasses, Eggs, Ivory, Hair,
ardson & Co., Burlington, vt.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28

IF you feel dull, drowsy, deb1rtated have
sallow color of skin, oryellowish-b spots on
face or body, frequent headache or dizziness,
bad taste in mouth, internal heat or chills alter
mated with hot fushes, low spirits and gloomy
forebodings, irregular appetite and tongue
coated, you are suffering from 'torpid liver, p"
or 'biliousness." In many cases of '1iver COM
plant only part of these SYMPTOMS are ex-
Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery" has no
equal as it effects perfect and radical cures. at
oil drl1cr st .nns
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
He Has No objection.

INDIANAPOLIS, IND.-The Hon. Daniel
W. Voorhees,, United States Senator
from this State, remarks: "My opinion,
sir, I have no objection to giving. 1
suffered from rheumatism of the back,
used some st. Jacobs Oil, which gave
me instantaneous relief and finally cured
me completely. I think it a remarkable
remedy, indeed" His candid and court
eous expression carries weight.
TRANsF1 RMATIoN scene-The turkey
gobbler into turkey gobbled.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
] EsSA g RE
THIS BLOOD CLEANSER.
ii Cd Bituers are the Purest and Best Bitter
NADIA

hOp BitUeTs are the Purest and Best Bitters
Ever Made.
They are compounded from Hops, Malt, Blu
chu Mandrake and Dandelion,-the Oldest,
best, and most valuable medicines in the world,
and contain all the best and most curative pro-
perties of all other remedies being the greatest
Blood Purifier, Liver Regulator, and Life and
Health Restoring Agent ON earth. No disease
or i'll health can possibly long exist where these
Bitters are used, so varied and perfect are their
operations.
They give new life and vigor to the aged and
infirm To all whose employments cause ire
gular.ty of the bowels or urinary organs, or
who require an Appetizer, Tonic and mild Slim
ulant, Hop Bitters are invaluable, being highly
curative, tonic and stimulating, without intoxi-
eating.
No matter what your feelings or symptoms
are, what the disease or ailment is, use Hop
Bitters Don't wait until you are sick, but il
YOU only feel bad or miserable, use Hop Bitters
at once. 1t may save your life, Hundreds
have been saved by so doing. $500 viii be paid
for case they will not cure or help.
Do not suffer or let your friends suffer, but
use and urge them to use Hop Bitters.
Remember, Hop Bitters is no vile, drugged
drunken nostrum, but the Purest and Best
Medicine ever made the "Invalid's Friend
and Hope" and no person or family should be
without them. Try the Bitters to-day.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28

fast as the ice melts, which will be very
rapid. The same thing can be done
from the lower end if the lead or rubber
pipe have the end in which the water is
poured, lifted one or two feet higher
than the end that is forced against the
ice. In thawing long pipe under
ground it is some times necessary to
work from both ends.
"Pipes that cannot be reached at
either end to run pipe in if they have
good descent, are sometimes thawed
out with salt, but this will take time.
but will generally accomplish the
object "
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
The Price of Her Rescue.

Mrs. Elizabeth M. Switzer, aged 81,
died in Baltimore few days ago. When
fourteen years old she left Germany,
with her parents for this country; but
the vessel on which they embarked was
wrecked. The captain Of passing YES
sci refused to aid the immigrants unless
they would consent on their arrival to
be sold, to pay the cost of their pas
sage hither. Mrs. Switzer was pur-
chased for term of years by butcher
named Switzer, whose son, George, she
subsequently married, and with whom
she lived for fifty eight years. She
leaves q large family of sons and daugh-
tiers all of whom have prOspered.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28

A NoNDEsCRIPT.-A wealthy Boston
man thought his son was too much of a
genius to be kept at home, and he sent
him to Germany to be educated. The
father, in describing the result, says :
The boy was too much of an American
to become a first-class German, and he
got too much German in him ever to be-
come first-class American, SO he set
tied down into bein' sort of monde
scrirt
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
A Surprising Confession.

On the 28th of last September the
Pacific express car on the Eel River
branch of the Wabash road was robbed
The story of the crime as told at the
time was that three masked men entered
the car. After pointing their pistols at
the head of the express messenger
LOOMS, they ordered him TO throw up
his hands. The messenger at first re-
fused, and one of the three fired two
shots at him, presumably for the pur-
pose OF intimidation. He was gagged
and thrown into a corner of the car and
then beaten into insensibility. In a few
minutes the robbers had all the valu-
aoies IN their possession. These con-
sisted of g, 500 in silver certificates and
checks and few packages for way de-
livery. They left the car at the first
station, and the robbery was not dis
covered until the train arrived at Peru.
Ind. The side doors of the car were
found securely fastened. When opened
the unfortunate messenger was beheld
oucked aud gagged and living in the
corner where the robbers were supposed
TO have thrown him. He could rive
only very poor description of the men
as the masks protected their faces and
and their other clothing was evidently
put on for the occasion.
The case was given to detective and
he has Just lodged Dan Downer. n des-
perado known all over the county. he.
hind the bars at Wabash, Ind.
The sensational portion of the case is
the confession of Burt G. LOOMS the
express messenger, that he was party
to the crime. LOOMS gave a detailed
account of how the job was ''put up
and executed. Downer and Isoomis and
a third man, who has not yet been
arrested, were in the job. LOOMS and
Downer are ia jail at Wabash. Ind.
News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1884-02-28
At a stand-stiII-The peanut business.

AN INVALUABLE ARTICLE.-An article like
Elys Cream Balm has long been desired. and
now that it is within the reach of sufferers from
Catarrh, Hay Fever and Cold in the head there
is every reason to believe they will make the
most of it. DR.. W. E. buchanan, W. E. Ham
man, druggist and other Eastenians have given
it a trial, and all recommend it in the highest
terms-Easton (Pd.) Daily Argus. price 5Oc.)