New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-02-06
WIT AND HU1fOR,

sweetheart in describing how he stepped
on lady's train and tore it, II l-iost
my head, you.know!'' s.Did you miss
it much?" she cruelty queried.
Dolls are now made that cry and say
papa and mamma, and now all that is
really needed to make childless home
supremacy happy is some one to smear
moiasses candy over carpets and furnt
ture. Philadelphia Chronicle Herald.
A gentleman was giving little Keo-
kuk baby boy some peanuts the other
day. The good mother said: ''Now,
what are you going to say to the gentle
man?'' With childish simplicity the
little fellow looked up in the gentle
mans face and replied: ''More!''
A Lafayette LADY, model wife and
mother-broke her husband of the sa-
loon habit by walking up beside him
and calling for beer. A Cincinnati
woman tried that, but her husband
only replied: ''Now you're acting SEN
sible; here, John, two schooners."
''May 1 have the honor to conduct
your daughter to the supper-table?"
asked society gentleman of lady
from the country. ''May you take her
to supper? Why, of course; and you
may take me, too. That's what we
came here for.''
Little Fife was in great trouble over
some mischief she had brought on her
self, and after her prayers one night
she looked into her mothers face and
earnestly exclaimed: ''Oh, do hope
God will be smart and help me out of
this. IN y Commercial advertiser.
s'Mary," asked little Burlington
girl of companion, ''what do you
suppose is the difference between a
beau and beau ideal?" swell, I
don't know" was the frank response,
''unless they leave off the ideal after
they get married. "-Batrlington Free
Press.
The music master says very affably:
s.Now, see, children, in q march we
always have four beats to measure,
to accommodate the step; for I don't
know anything that has three except,
perhaps, a milking-stool." ''Or
yard-stick," adds bright girl in the
back row.
The time for securing a divorce in
the Chicago courts has been cut down to
40 minutes, and the hotel keepers of the
place are kicking about it. They want
it extended to at least six hours, so
that travellers coming for divorces will
have to stay over long enough to eat at
least one meal. Chronicle Herald.
At party: Merchant-"Ah! How
DIDO, Mr.. Blank? How is your paper
coming out? read it daily. BY the
way, you are getting up report Of this
grand assembly, l suppose?" Editor
'.No. BY the way, how is your store
coming on? My cook buys a good deal
of you. You are here drumming up
custom, I SUPPOSED"
Minnie Ballard, in little poem,
from my dreaming" He would be a
''sweet" friend indeed, Minnie, if he
were to commit such breach of Ell
quette. When young lady is dream
ing it is time for the young man to put
on his hat and leave. -No1ristowa Her.
aid.
The total plate of Baron Nathaniel
Rothschild, we learn from a Paris
paper, is valued at 100000 marks.
Two million marks isn't much; you
ought to see the scratches on our
siiverware since the boy has cut his
teeth. We will back one spoon against
the Baron's whole colleclion.-Bosto,a
Courier.
''See here, boy, did I not pay you %
cents to shovel the snow off my pave
ment?'' "Yes'm.'' "Weu, what did
you mean by taking the money and
then going off without doing it?'' 'The
snow is ali OFT, isn't it?'' Eyes, but it
melted off" ''That's all right knew
it would melt away after q while if left
alone. I'm street contractor, am. -
-PhalaeSeephia Call.
Soene--Sidewalk near the Brans-
wick: First dude, with embarrassed
yet impressive smile: Augustus, my
dear boy. I really do believe I have
broken a corset lacing. Have you an
extra one with you? Second dude,
with an expression of awe and horror:
Really! why, Algernon, hain't; but if
l had, where could you fix it? See, all
those giddy gyurls across the street are
looking at us.-Bosto1s Courier.
About clock last evening young
lady rushed breathlessly into her home
on Walnut street and sat down in a
chair completely exhausted. "WhY,
what's the matter?" asked her mother
in the greatest alarm. "Oh," said the
young woman, when she had recovered
her breath, 81 just escaped it. Another
one of those horrible red sunsets to-
night, and red is so trying to my COM
plexion."
''What would you rather have, dear,
sealskin sacque or fur-lined circu-
lar?" asked shrewd Warren oil specu-
lator of his wife. 'sThe sacque, of
course she replied, II wouldn't have
a circular II knew you'd choose
the sacque,' he responded, pitilessly,
land that's the reason asked. have
just enough money to buy you the cir
cular. The sacque is out of the ques>
ton. Your noble reply, my charming
wife, removes quite a load from my
shoulders. won't have to buy you
either of them.'
A sailor was one night ordered aloft
to act as lookout. The mate had a
grudge against the aforesaid sailor,
and SO let him remain fully an hour be-
fore he asked him if he saw "any
light ''Not yet, y replied the sailor,
''but if you let me remain here another
hour I'll surely see something" An
hour passed by, and then the lookout
cried: II see light .What light
is it?'' inquired the mate. daylight, y
was the reply.
The man who gives barrel of flour
to starving family never puts his name
down for thousand dollars for the re-
novation of a popular church in order
that it may appear in the public prints.
And it may also be said that the man
who makes it his business to donate
sums of money to churches and cyclone
sufferers, and puts his name down for