Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1884-12-17
The Thin Man in Trouble.

Good morning, Mr. Jarphly,"
pleasantly remarked the man with
the Cold-Tea scheme this morning, as
he met The Thin Man without n
rt-Collar.
Morning" briefly responded The
Thin Man, who seemed anxious to
pass his old friend without further
conversation.
"You look somewhat under the
weather." continued the Cold-Tea
Man. "Been betting on the election ?"
"Naw."
"No additions to the family?"
"Naw."
Thinking of what you have sunk
in oil by not buying it when it was
low and selling it when it was high ?"
"Darn OIL"
"a victim of misplaced confidence 2"
you've struck it! you've struck
it," wildly exclaimed the Thin Man.
"Goshorn, from this day forth | place
no reliance in my fellowman. HUI
manity is a humbug. The greatest
of mortal delight is to get other NOR
tails into trouble. If some poor devil
stubs his toe and barks his nose we
all laugh and feel good, but you never
catch us laughing and feeling good
when some other fellow falls heir to a
half a million. Our greatest happi.
ness exists in making somebody else
miserable"
"Wot's happenedp
"I've been basely deceived; yes,
sir, betrayed Kept on roof all
night; nearly had my neck broken |;
had my only son fire stones at me
heard my wife order me to be arrest
ed; was arrested got clubbed ; got
fined, and was turned loose for all the
women in the neighborhood to point
me out as an awful example, and all
the men to say they were awful sorry
for me to my face, and that didn't
get half enough behind my back. I'll
tell YOU" and the Thin Man proceed
ed to unfold the following tale of
horror and misplaced confidence:
Mrs. Jarphly had acquired the per-
nicious habit of waiting up for Mr..
Jarphly and giving him warm re.
ception on his return home when that
return was delayed beyond an hour
that the lady thought proper for a
married man to keep. To circum-
vent this undesirable reception, Mr.
Jarphly had quietly asked neighbor
in the adjoining house to allow him
to go up through his building and
reach his own domicile by way of the
scuttle in the roof The plan proved
complete success. While Mrs.
Jarphly awaited his return down
stairs he had disrobed and quietly
gone to bed, and when his better
half in bewildered astonishment
found him there he cody informed
her that he had returned hours be-
fore, and, finding her asleep in the
front parlor, did not like to disturb
her, and had retired. Mrs. Jarphly
had no recollection of being asleep,
but as her consort lay shugly en-
sconced between the sheets it seemed
to be proof positive that such must
have been the case, and so the delud-
ed woman accepted the situation,
though sorely puzzled. The Thin
Man was delighted, and quietly prom
ised himself that the new route
through the scuttle should be his road
around curtain-lecture for many
hilarious night to come.
But alas for the transitory nature
of human happiness. His neighbor,
in moment of weakness, informed
his wife, and she lost no time unfold
ing the base plot to Mrs. Jarphly.
Through the scuttle in the roof!"
'exclaimed that lady, as her eyes
snapped. "Oh, the wretch! l was
asleep, was 1? Well, I'm wide
enough awake now. I'll scuttle
him. I'll teach him to play his
scuttlc-holc gymnastics on mew And
she did so.
Not word did the good woman
speak ON the subject to the guilty
Jarphly. She was all tenderness and
care. The Thin Man thought the
millennium had struck Allegheny
with determination to locate there
and grow up with the base ball club.
The very next night, secure of his
route through the scuttle, he delayed
his return home until way toward
morning, and then paced the deserted
streets content with himself and all
mankind, and feeling as though the
whole prohibition party was a snare
and delusion. Softly he knocked
at his neighbor's door, and as softly it
was opened, and the victim proceeded
up two flights of stairs and made his
exit upon the roof. Had he been able
to look through that roof his happi-
ness would have fed, for with an ad-
monitory command to her'husband to
mind his own affairs, his neighbor's