The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-12-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

suicide. am told it will vitiate your
life insurance"
He (gushingly)-Lottie, l would give
1000 thalers to have those pearl-white
teeth of yours. Shc-Really, nowp He
i would indeed. She (sotto voicc)-
What pity he is TO be my husband,
else that would have been capital
stroke of business, $50 thalers clear
profit. "-KieineS Journal.
You are very late sending your
evening male out" said the editor to
his daughter when he came home at
two in the morning and met timid,
shrinking young man between the front
door and gate mot at ALL" answered
the thoughtful girl; "Charles Henry is
now morning edition.
Il don't like these Shoes" said
lady customer. ''because the soles are
too thick" ''Is that the only OBJ
jectionp' blandly asked the shop
keeper. YES" was the reply. "Then,
madam, if you take the shoes, can
assure you that the objection will
gradually wear away"
A young widow with genius for adj
vertising herself had inscribed upon the
tombstone of her late husband, "Sa-
cred to the memory of Mathusin
Bcnuchet, who departed this life aged
siXty-eight years, regretting the
necessity of parting from the most
charming and best OF women.
A New York physician says that a
baby must not be allowed to sleep with
it's mother. Must not be allowed! Did
anybody know of baby that ever
slept with its mother or anybody elseP
This New York physician ought to
know that baby never goes to sleep
until it is time for everybody else to get
up. Then how the little darling will
sleep.
Eyes, BRETHREN" says the clergyman
who is preaching the funeral sermon,
''our deceased brother was cut down
in single night-torn from the arms of
his loving wife, who is thus left dis
consulate widow at the early age of "a
years" "Twenty-two, if you please,
sobs the widow, in the front pew,
emerging from her handkerchief for an
nstant.-PariS Paper.
She evidently was in great distress.
"What is the matterp" asked an in
innate friend. "Why, I've lost my
pocketbook, and it had my card and
address in it," "Then it may be re-
turned to your residence. "Oh, gra-
cious, hope not. There's nothing in
it but receipt for face-powder and
two unpaid dressmakers' dunning let
tiers, that would not have George to
see for the world"
1t is very strange how quick some
people will change their minds. A
man in Vermont imagined that he was
inspired to kill Mrs. Adams, a school
teacher, and after thinking it over for
some time decided to do so. He called
upon the lady and acquainted her with
his mission, when she seized club and
knocked him down, after which she
broke nearly every bone in his body.
kill her.-Peck's Sun.
The coat was a very bad fit-too full
| in the back. ''That'll never do" said
the customer; ''it's like a shirt on a
bean-pole." "Dot coat, mein trent"
replied the dealer, ''ish very stylish
garment. Look at dot back! Mein
gracious, it ish lufy. See dot peauti-
full pufling-der latest style-and don't
you forgot it. 1t was made on Fifth
avenoo. 1t is der Fadder Hubbard
style and ish actually worth so much
as fife toller more for dot cut" and
five minutes later the delighted
customer left the store with his Father
Hubbard coat.-N. Y. Star.
What is the meaning of that red
line above the fourth story of your
house?" asked Il stranger OF man
near Pittsburg. That is a water
mark. That mark shows how high the
water was during the great overflow
about a year ago impossible! If
the water had been that high the whole
town would have been swept away"
"The water never was that high. 1t
only came up to the tirst-story window,
but the cursed boys rubbed il out three
or four times, so put it up there where
they can't get at it. 1t takes smart
mar to circumvent those boys. "-7e1as
SytingS.
Yesterday an old horse being driven
along High street before wagon
loaded with dirt fell down, and. in
stead of being at all concerned about
it, the negro driver got a rest for the
small of his back. and filled his pipe
for smoke. Several pedestrians
halted, and one finally called out:
''Why don't you help that horse upp"
''Kase Use lifted at him bcfo', an l
know L can't rise one side o. him. "
''But should think you'd pity him. y"
go, does, boss-I sartnly does. If
didn't, / wouldn't sot hcah an keep
him company when l kin arm 81 a
day. "-DctroH Free Press.
There's no use talking boys re-
marked travelling man, ''there is q
thing that travels faster than railroad
train or the telegraph. 1t is slang. A
few months ago left New York for an
Indian agency way down in the Indian
Territory to look after the filling of
contract our house has there. The
night before left town 1 was walking
up Broadway, when | heard for the
first time the latest greeting slang of
the street. 1t was then fresh and new.
Well, the night of my arrival at the
agency, hundreds of miles from civil
cation, | took little walk. Imagine