davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1884-01-03
Christmas al the D. D. g. B. I.

Tho se who braved the darkness and wet
Christmas eve, to attend the reception
given to Santa Claus at the D. d. u Is. L.,
witnessed novel sight and could bear
ample testimony to the truthfulness OF
the usual statements concerning the old
gentleman of the long white beard and
| furry coat. The engineer had shown ms
usual skill and good taste on such occa-
sions, by building before the stage what
was to all intent an enormous chimney
with open fireplace holding bright, bla-
zing fire. Over the mantle was placed the
chapel clock and upon the mantle stood
| two veritable candles, burning in two old
time candlesticks. On opposite sides OF
this cheerful hearth sat respectively the
housekeeper, Mrs. Flynn and the assistant
engineer, MI. Fitz. Above all this, among
the evergreens shone out q star, the en-
blem of the day we honor beyond all other
days through all the great round year.
The seats being so disposed rs to give to
all good view, We're speedily filled When
all was quiet and expectant. down the
chimney came first pair OF feet, which
were instantly followed by 4 long fur coat
and then long white beard, then came. in
a twinkling, the beaming face of old Santa
himself. Nor was the time-honored sack
neglected or forgotten. The marvel WAS
how SO many articles of such vary
ing shapes and sizes could come from
that one sack though hi. did ascend to the
roof for a new supply several times. We
suppose he has had the business in hand
so many many years that he has reduced
it to science The dainty little ladies in
pink and white seemed to he very crafty
ing and satisfying remembrances from the
old fellow to the little .mothers who re-
ceived them. When each had received his
or herpresent. the ancient gentleman male
his very best bow with every good wish,
though felt. ,nsaid, and then vanished
from sight to look after the welfare of the
ever memorable eight upon the roof, no
doubt
Then stc.l II merry time us only can be
known at this merry. merry season. The
laughing sho IL, the dance and song. and
many Il pc ,'.ant game, :liid so the hours
rapidly s;,.y,. il''l looking the other in the
face With N r<p,i surprise. when the ten
o'clm'l l'.l, sounded ont the hour Tor re-
firing. f. Y.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
Burdette on Home"

The time comes when man leaves
his old home to build himself a new
one; temple in which his wife shall
be the goddess-and also the janitor.
The man she worships as hero,
whom she imagines pure gold, she Of
ten discovers is ut least three-quarters
brass. A woman has one peculiarly
she always speaks of her father S
house rs home.
No matter how small man may be
abroad. of how little Importance in the
outside world, at home he is Governor
or Lieutenant Governor, at least We
step off the stage and the world doesn' t
forget us-it never remembered us;
everything goes on just rs usual; con-
quest or defeat crown or ruin other
lives, and there is no thought of US;
but at home our names and our men,
Dries are kept green-until our prop
erty is divided among the lawyers, at
least
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
He Wanted n Fifth Act of Lucia.

a group of economists hit upon pe-
culiar plan for hearing the opera. Thew
each got separate admission tickets and
got seat IN partnership. The seat
was 10 be occupied by them turn about.
each one holding it during an act. 1t
was IN admirable scheme. Those
standing againstthe wall gave it fur
tive Chances of proprietorship. Besides
their other operate furnishings they
wore upon their faces that transfigured
look of hope which beauties the face
of the dying Christian. Each hoped
for something better in the course of
half an hour or so. The man in the
seat cultivated IN expression of Napol-
comic calm and really managed to look
like season holder. There was a con-
siderable good-natured wrestling and
pushing between the acts. There had
been no drawing OF lots or regulating
or turns, and II was 4 mere matter of
polItenesS whom sIould follow whom.
The last chance fell to the politest of
the five, and ne leaned eood-naturedlv
against the wall, waiting his turn.
From their conversation they were hab-
itues of the Grand Opera House. and
accustomed to getting five acts for
their money
When Lucia went mad and disap-
peared from view the polite man began
TO look uneasy. When the tenor stab
bed himself beads of anguish impaired
themselves upon his brow. When the
curtain fell and the people began to
dispense he grew incoherent.
Say, Ned" he gasped, clutching
the arm of the last sitter, ''ain't there
no more O this going onP Where do
come in?'
L don't see how it can 90 on,' an
swered Ned calmly and sweetlv. The
whole gang is either dead or crazy,
and | don't think you come in until the
next opera season, You're left, my
boy. Mobile Register.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
The Laughing Jackass.

"But hark!'' says the traveller in
Australia, angels and ministers, what
is that?' 1.-The laughing jackassH'
For once / admire an Australian de-
scriptiYe name. This merry bird, be-
ginning with a quantity human ha! ha!
ha! gradually rises to regular he-haw
as if it had need to hold its sides and
inhale quick breaths in sheer inability
to arrest its inextinguishable mirth.
Its character as the Laughing Philos-
opher" of the Australian woods is borne
out by its appearance. 1t seems a kind
of burly king-fisher, dressed in white
and brown. with slightly crested head,
and remarkably bright, penetrating
eve. It is fever kiIled-not in Vic
toria, because its skill in destroying
snakes has caused fine to protect it.
In the bush it is called the Settlers
Clock" because it always sings at sun
rise and sunset. But it also sings at
other times and is generally heard in
the botanical gardens, filing the air
with laughter which would have de-
lighted the soul of Carlyle.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

$40 year. Ine distinction between
the two is in the kind of brooms they
manipulate. The skilled lasorer
uses 4 common broom to sweep some
tagging, while the .'unskilled" laborer
yields coarse broom in sweeping car
riageways.
Every morning about O clock a hay
train arrives at Qujotoa, Arizona, con-
slsting of from twenty to thirty Indian
squaws with regular mule load of
straw on their heads. They 90 into
the public square and sit by their
bundles until some one comes to buy.
They then lay in stock of tobacco
and whisky with which the bucks will
regale themselves the next day while
their wives are gathering another load
of nickel hay.
From the last edition of Messrs.
George P. RoWelI & Co.'S American
Newspaper Directory" it appears that
the newspapers and periodicals of all
kinds at present issued in the United
States and Canada reach a grand total
of Is, 402. This is q net gain of pre-
cisely LOGO during the last twelve
months, and exhibits an increase of s.
els over the total number published
just ten years since. The increase in
1874 over the total for 1873 was 493.
During the past year the daiiies have
increased from 1,138 to 1854; the
weeklies from 1902 to 10,028, and the
monthlies from LOCI to 1,499. The
greatest increase is in the Western
States. Illinois, for instance, now
shows 1,009 papers in place of last
years total of 904 while Missouri
issues 604 instead of the 523 reported
in 1888. Other leading Western States
also exhibit a great percentage of in
crease. The total mum Der of papers in
New York State is 1928, against l, 399
in 1888. Canada has shared in the
general increase
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

''Senorita, kiss your feet, adios!"
This is the parting salute contained in
a note just finished to young Mexican
friend. OF course l do not intend to
kiss her feet, but it is the proper caper
here, and have conformed to it. Why
should kiss Zenobia's feet, even met
aphorically? True, | would, and per-
haps have, kissed her hands and lips,
her forehead and probably the back of
her neck. but, although Zenobia is a
sweet girl, must be excused from os-
culatory contact with her pretty foot,
dressed in nigh heeled and arched in
stepped gaiter. Like all Mexican girls
she is rather slouchy about her hosiery
and l happened once to notice that her
white stockings were not of the clean
est, and hung in folds over the tops of
her CATERS instead of being braced up.
The appearance reminded me of col
lapsed concertina, and the dear girl
fell thirty per cent. in my esteem
Nerico Cor. C0at9lerJoarnaL.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
How Archer Wins.

Fred Archer, the famous English
jockey. explains his phenomenal sue
cess on the English turf as follows: 4
never throw away q chance in race if
I can help it, am always looking out to
see how | can steal length or two by
getting the rails or anything of that
sort, and then / think / generally man
age to get well away. But what peo-
pie say, and what | sometimes read in
some of the papers, about the starter
faVoring Archer, and his being off q
couple Of lengths to the good, is not
true, all the same; in fact, it, rubbish.
Of course, I don't mean to say that
don't do my best to get away when
the flag falls, but it isn't the getting
away first as how you get aWay-how
you set your horse going, / mean-that
makes all the difference. You can't set
a horse going at once if you have q
tight hold of his head. You often see
a jockey at the post on a fYe-furlong
race pulling his horse, as nervous as he
can be. watching the starter. The flag
falls, and he lets 90 the reins, but his
horse isn't ready to slip off at his best
pace. I've always got my horse ready
to 90, but not by pulling at him; and
then when we do start / m at full speed
at once. Ii you watch you'll often see
that some jockey is off q couple of
lengths before me, but, if his horse ism t
just ready, he doesn't keep his adVant-
qpa -
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
Lacked One Thin q.

'Vhell, you may talk of Chicago ali
day, but Cincinnati yhas der place to
do peesness in" remarked the first.
"Chicago vhas der biggest CITY,"
''Oh, | know dot, but der situation
vhas eaferytings. Last spring my
creditors extended me for thirty days
on account of der freshet, and last
month | vhas extended fifteen days on
account of der riots. Before April is
oafer / am extended for some big fires,
and by July der Ohio river wash SO low
/ get special rates on all umbrellas,
and vhas extended thirty days on white
VESTS und linen busters. All we lack
now is hurricane in November to ex-
tend us two months on listers und arc
tic overshoes
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
Women as Wheat Spectators.

From broker the Chicago Tribune
has learned that there are perhaps as
many as 500 women in that city who
speculate regularly, and that many
leading brokers refuse their custom.
''Ihey kick first, last, and always" he
said, ''if they lose; and if they win 4
dollar or two or $50 they talk you to
death. They are governed by dreams
and seances, and if the market goes
against them, they swear by the dream,
and say that they have been swindled.
suppose there are many women pos
sessed OF private fortunes who extract
pleasure from speculation, but they
generally do business through some
personal friend on the regular board,
and not on the call-board | know from
experience that there are very few men
who would permit their wives to en-
gage i'll such practices. 1t is not .
Womanly pastime, to say the least, and
ought, think, to afford grounds for
divorce. 1t makes the women hard
and coarse, destroys their beauty, and
turns happy, handsome creature into
an ugly pest, for gambling is sure to
become q monomania with them, and
they can talk nothing else. know of
the wife of a prominent merchant who
got SO badly left that she pawned her
diamonds for $500, not long ago, and
would have lost them but for her hus-
band, who found it out at the last mo-
ment and redeemed them. Then he
got gun and went around to see the
broker. The latter, however, happen
ed to be out, or there might have been
bloodshed So, as / said before, /
don't want any of it in mine"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
An Old Sea Dogs Love Complications.

1t was an old sea captain ia certain
Maine village, who had long been en-
amored of y pretty maiden young
enough to be his daughter. The latter
was, however, engaged to gallant
young fisherman of the place. One
day the old sea captain was calling
upon the maiden's mother, who is a
respectable but by no means comely
widow, and somehow, without quite
unders't anding how it came about, the
honest captain became aware that he
had offered himself in marriage to the
widow, and that she had promised to
consider" Getting out of the house
more dead than alive, he was stump
ing along consoling himself with the
idea that at least if he married the
mother, he should live in the same
house with the daughter, when he was
joined by q brother mariner. There
goes Maria Dunlap" remarked the
friend. Maria Dunlap was the name
of the unattainable young woman.
'Did We know her beau had married a
girl over 1T the Center. unbeknownst to
Maria?" Now. by the holy spoons, !"
exclaimed our captain, eff that hahn t
just my luckr' Suddenly he darted
away from his astonished gossip and
gained the side of Maria. Maria" he
exclaimed eagerly. Il always liked We
best, but pve somehow got afoul of
your ma and offered to marry her, and
she's considerin.' | haint much hope,
but oh, Maria, if she does say no will
you have me, Maria? On, Maria, do
say you WillI'
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
Too Few Vines.

A Rochester nursery firm who are
shipping trees ana vines to Nebraska
received q letter early in the spring
from resident in that State, who ask
ed if grape vines should be enriched
with any sort of fertilizer. He was
answered to the effect that bones were
an excellent thing for grape vines. He
at once put the inquiry:
Il have got thirty of your vines.
How many bones do | need?'
The firm wrote in answer: "A bar
rel full will be plenty"
La three or four days there came in
response to this letter saying:
Then send me two more vines, as l
have just wiped out my seventh man
and am long on bones. "-WaH Street
NeanS
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
The Fascination of the Gold Mines

An old forty-niner says OF gold hunt
ing:
Its the fascination of it. Lor' man,
when you've struck it pretty rich and
can see yer gold right in front of you;
when you're piling it up every half
hour O the day, with a nugget now and
again as big as bullet to cheer you,
and then when the evenin' comes and
you count it up and find hundred odd
dollars just picked out o the earth that
day-well, there amt nothin' like it.
Then when you don't strike it rich you
always think you're goin' to next day,
an it's just as exciting hearin' other
men tell in the evenin' what they
pulled out as it is countin' over your
own. Why, I've been three and four
months at 4 time without making dol
Lar and without cent in my pocket;
but gee-whittaker! the excitement
cf it don't give man twice to think
Low hard up he is.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
He Always Kissed the Governors
Wife

A most villainous picture is being.
published IN all the country papers
purporting TO be likeness of Senator
Vance. of North Carolina 1t is libel
on one of the finest looking men in
public life. Senator Vance is tall.
broad-shouldered, handsome man of
hfty-four years. He has alaree. pleas
ant, open face, bright, fun-loving eve.
and luxuriant hair and mustache of
iron gray. He is very popular man
among his fellow senators, and he can
tell more good stories than any of
them. He likes a joke and North Car
olina IS full of the evidences of his pro-
pensities in this direction.
One day when he was governor of
the State it is said be was riding on
horseback along a road about ten
miles from the capital, when strano-
er overlook him. The two men fell in
to conversation, and the stranger told
Vance he had been TO Raleigh to see
the governor, and that he had called at
his house, but that he was not at
home.
Did you see the governors wifeP"
said Vance
Yes, was the reply.
And did you not kiss her?"
The man, very much astonished re-
piled, mo, but she was very pretty,
and | should have liked nothing bet
ter.
well, I've kissed her," continued
Vance, land | never meet her but what
| do So" And thereupon, after enjoy
ing the mans establishment for mo-
ment, he told him that he was the GOV
ernor. Carp IN Cleveland Leader.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05
Slavery i'll Brazil.

After the close Of the civil war q few
of our misguided countrvmer. who
fancied that they loved slavery even in
exile better than freedom in their ma
tive land, embarked for Brazil, where
they hoped to live and die in the en-
ioyment of the cherished institution.
Their experience has been melancholy.
They found Brazil bent on bringing
herself up to the levels of countries
that do not permit human slavery.
Some of the exiles also suffered severe
~ in their brief trial of repatriation.
Brazil already at that time was ar
ranging for plan of gradual emanci-
patton, and during the last dozen years
this has been in process of accomplish
ment In 1873 she had 333, POI slaves,
and in midvear of 1882 the mum Der had
fallen to 147, 169. The banner province
in the work of emancipation is now
said to be Ceara, which claims that
her task will be completely finished by
the 1st of July. Fifteen months ago,
according to recent account from
Rio de Janeiro, the municipality of
Acrape took the lead by making her
population entirely free. Other NUM-
CAPABILITIES 1Ol1oNeu, uuIi twenty 1--we Ill
this province of Ceara have liberated
all their slaves, and in at least half the
province the emancipation is complete.
This may seem queer in one sense,
yet strangely familiar in another, to
the people of our own country, who
now watch the progress of such events
in Brazil as DISTINGUISHED spectators.
1t may well set in train musings upon
state of things not q generation gone
by in our land, yet severed from us as
by the lapse of centuries. 81 7. San.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

Miss Cynthia Ceres, a young school
teacher from Illinois, went to Dakota
three years ago and took up farm.
She built shanty and lived in it,
planted corn and vegetables. and made
money. She now writes to local
paper: Il own 800 acres of land worth
$4,000 good money. This is the pro-
duct of my own labor in three years.
If any of my sister teachers in the east,
who toll from one years end to an
other but to go down the grave poor
old maid school ma ans, will come to
Dakota, not be afraid of a little ex-
posure, and work for their own inter
est, | am sure they will be happier,
richer, wiser, and stand better show
Of getting married"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

The venerable Ex-Governor Downey
of California, has given $500 to furnish
new school house in the town of Dow
ney. that state, and at his suggestion
an inscription will be placed over the
portals, reading: Order is Heavens
first law. Be good children, and true
to your country"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

The movement in favor of returning
to local time gains strength in Maine.
Machias has voted to abandon stand
ard time, and Ellsworth, Bath and
Camden have already followed the ex-
ample of Bangor.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

a reporter of the Americas (Ga.)
Recorder, while in Magnolia Dell the
other day, saw fierce battle between
q king snake and moccasin in the
water. The fight lasted about twenty
minutes. Stones and sticks were
thrown in, but there was no getting
the snakes apart. When the reporter
left nothing could be seen OF the moe
casin, but the red body of the king
snake was occasionally to be seen as
he pulled himself out of the mud.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

A fruit merchant estimates that from
10 to so per cent of the fruit shipped
from foreign countries to this country
is rot.ed on the way, the greatest loss
being in oranges, and the least in CO.
coanuts.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-05

The British Trade Jour al says that
800 clerks are about to abandon the
London Stock Exchange and betake
themselves to Manitoba.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1884-07-05
ENFORCING A RULE.

Say, you dirty yaller-
skinned Chinee. | left two
flannel shirts an a pair o.
overalls here to be washed the
other day, an when | sent
my boy around to get 'em an
tell yer I'd lost the check, yer
said mo cheeky no washy' to
'im.''
'FNo checkee no washee.
dat alice litee me no diltee,
me no yallee-skin. MeChinee
men. Me lun washee house.
No checkee, no washee."
''Then I'll smash your mug
all over your face and the
irate patron of Tung Lung
began to work his arms. A
moment later, he was SO
mixed up with a Chinaman
that you could hardly tell
which was which. He got
an awful thfashing, and he
came out of that laundry with
one ear bitten off, one eye
hanging down on his cheek
and the other closed for re-
pairs, he mournfully said to
man, who asked him what
allied him:
"The rule o. that wash
house air No checkey, no
washy, am Pm dad gummed
if they don't enforce it. y
Through Mail.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1884-07-05

which sells them, on the.
label.
Seconds or doubtful or
"reprocess" goods have a
stock label Of some mythical
canning house, but do not
have the names of any whole
sale grocer. Reject all goods
that do not bear the name of
the factory and also of some
wholesale firm.
A "swell' or decomposing
can Of goods can always be
detected by pressing in the
bottom Of the can. A sound
can pressed, will give a solid
feel. When gas from the
decomposition of the food is
inside the can, the tin will
rattle by pressing up the bot
tom as you displace the gas
in the can.
Reject every can that shows
any rust around the cap on
the inside of the head of the
can. If housewives are edu-
Gated to these points, then
muriate Of zinc amalgam will
become a thing of the past,
and dealers in damaged cans
will retire.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1884-07-05
she WASN'T WORTH lT.

A backwoodsman promised
to send the minister fifty
pounds of maple sugar for
marrying him. Time passed
on, and no maple sugar
arrived to sweeten the minis
ter's household. Some months
later he saw the newly-married
husband in town, andventured
to remind him. ''My friend,
you did not send the maple
sugar you promised With
a saddened countenance, the
man looked up and replied,
''To tell you the truth, gov
ernor, she amt worth tip
quiz.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1884-07-05
CANNED PROVISIONS.

The following suggestions
as to canned goods are by
DR.. j. @. johnson of New
York:
Reject every can that does
not show the line of resin
around the edge of the solder
Oh the cap the same as is seen
on the seem at the side of the
can.
"Standard'' or first-class
goods s, have n OF only the
name Of the factory, but also
that of the wholesale house