Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1884-05-11
BOB BURDETTE.
His Advice to Those Who Contemplate
Politics as a Profession.

Burlington Haaokeye.
Listen to me Ben Ibrahim, and may AL
lah smooth your path.
NV son, if you are going into politics,
write these aXiOms upon your heart win
hooks OF steel, as it were:
1t is right to steal from the govern
ment.
If it isn't right, it is customary, which
gives the practice a color of legal right.
Do not steal from the government as
though you were ashamed of it. only a
common pIckpOcket is ashamed of his pro-
fession. Steal boldly. Plunge your thievish
arms into the Golfers of the government
clear up to the elbows, shut both hands
tight. and come away with a full hold and
fair deck-lOad. When you grab, grab as
though you never expected to hold office
again. Be like the lightning, which never
strikes twice in the same place; because
it doesn't need to; because it never leaves
anything to strike.
Promise everybody everything they ask
for 1t is so much easier to promise man
what he wants than it is to refuse HIM and
have him torment you with opportunities
and poster YOU for reasons. Then, when
the day for the fulfillment of the promise
comes to hand, renew the promise. Take
uD one note by giving another. In the
slang Of the infidel stand him off for another
term, and tell him that when you go back
again then you will do all these things for
him. And il it be so that you do not 90
back, how can you do anything for him?
And if YOU do go back, say to him that
YOU will not buy your place of any man.
What dirt is this he throws upon the beard
of a reformer: BY the head OF the Sultan,
there are hardly enough places for your
own family.
In your official career ever praGtice a
rigid economy in all departments and dis
bursements out of your own immediate
reach. Cut off the appropriation for chew
ing-gum for the orphans homes and rec
ommend that the orphans soiace their in
fantile but juvenile jaws with ineXpen-
sive but long-lasting guilds cut from the
heels of their rubber Overshoes. The
money thus saved to the State you can
appropriate for the usual purpose of Civ
ing yourself a railroad excursion with all
the appurtenancos thereunto appertain-
ing.
Talk a great deal, but never say any
thing. And strive to keep what you say
from the ears of the scribe who stitch in
the seat of the correspondent, for he hath
an evil eye, and the point of his pencil
hath the sting of a scorpion. He dlppeth
his pen in gall and aqua FORTS and-death
to his race-it is the love of his heart to
impale ON his venomOus quill the honest
statesman who Is trying to earn years
living in a two weeks vacation. May
Allah break the leg Of his camel.
When the band OF thieves to which you
| belong is sufficiently unanimous in the
theft to cover it with joint resolution,
by all means resolve. 1t adds to the sin
of the theft the vice of hypocrisy and the
crime of cowardice. Allah is not deceived
thereby, nor are the people fooled, but it
lays another plate OF brass over your
| pachydermitous hide and drugs into yet
cd
conscience. BY the beard of the Prophet
it would be hard lines for the believers if
they had to believe all that the Sheik tells
| them.
If you sought to be a clerk in the booths
| of the merchants Of Filed-el-fhia, you
would earn 81 day, y hours work. If
you were a scribe at the desk o. reporter,
| you would labor Is hours each day, and
| your ability would earn for YOU about So
per week, at your real value. If you jour
neyed with the caravans Of the railroad,
$50 a month you would get, and be glad
1 to get it. You are an average $40 a-Week
man. But you 90 to the Legislature and
[ you can pay yourself ont of the Treasury
of the State $40 day for resting. 1t IS
wonderful. But as you do less harm
/ while you rest than you are sure to ac-
cOmplish when you work, it is better for
the State that you spend all the days of
your term in resting. When you bud
| yourself to do nothing whatever, you are
/ cheap at $40 a minute, if you can be got
/ for no less.
Reform is ever a good thing before cleo
| ton. The thrill Of the Il in pron0uncng
/ it is most readily acquired by closing the
/ left eye at the moment OF UtteIIng the
/ word. This also adds great emphasis. and
/ deeply intensities the meaning OF the word,
/ which is a Latin compound Of res, a thing,
| and fOgmale. TO form; that is, TO form and
/ shape things, to IX things. See? You
/ don't? Then you are no true ref0rmeT if
/ you can't see that. Reform, Ben Ibrahim,
/ is like an 'cchs" valve. 1t works we'll
: in a horn.
/ Ever be on the defensive, and regard
/ every constituent as your secret foe. Pat
| him on the head with one hand and hold
/ him by the throat with the other. The
| world of politics is one vast camp. So is
the average politician, Ben Ibrahim, so
are you.
II you do all this, Ben Ibrahim, you will
not be much worse than the Franks and
/ intidels; you will make for yourself a
name and reputation that your children
will be ashamed to remember, and, blythe
/ by, the people you have plundered will lay
1 you far back on a high and lonely shelf,
/ from whence you will never be taken down
until the bone man comes around looking
/ for mummieS.