davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
PERSONS AND THINGS.

The Boston Pilot claims that nowhere in the
world is the Roman Catholic Church more flourish
ing than in New England.
- Bat-shooting is favorite sport at Mont
gomery, Ala
The Iapi Oahe. which means 1.-THE Wood Car
rier,' is the name of Indian newspaper pub
lished at the Santee Agency. Neb. There are two
editions printed, one in English and one in Indian
The London Times says that there are in Eng
land over 100000 cyclists, and that the capital in
vested in the manufacture of bicycles and tricycles
is about SIS 0O0,OOO employing from 5000 to 10000
men.
The Societe Franklin isan association of France
for promoting the establishment of popular libra
ries, deriving its name, of course from own
Benjamin Franklin. 1t has just distributed its
nual prizes
The Pope's mode Of life is said to be very SIM
pie. He rises at and is engaged in devotions until
about 8. when he breakfasts cakes rolls and
very strong coffee. After the work of the day his
dinner. (which is always solitary repast consists
of an egg followed nearly always by mutton chop
and vegetables, a few cakes and glass of caret;
or, very rarely indeed, glass of some Spanish
wine. 1t is crowned invariably with cup of strong
black coffee,
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
TEACHING A CALFTO DRINK
Mind Struggling to Triumph, but Finding that
Something is the Matter.
Irish Farmers Gdsette. !

Those who have had the mournful experience
know that there is nothing more trying to the
temper than the operation of teaching young
calf to drink. The process is familiar TO every
man who has brought up calf from infancy.
You seize a pail of warm milk, go into the
stable, catch the calf by the ears back him into
a corner, and bestride his neck. The idiot
rather likes this, and while you are reaching
for the pail he employs his time in soldering
the lower corners OF your jacket. You discover
what the blockhead is about and box his ears
You can't help it. You feel that way, and let
him have it. But the calf can't tell for the life
of him why he has been struck and he gives
sudden and unexpected flounce." He believes
he will go and stay on the other side of the
stable, but ne doesn't announce this before
hand. He starts on the impulse of the moment
and you can't tell just when he arrives there
You ride along with him a little way. But the
laws of gravitation are always about the same
Your legs, one on each side Of the critter, keep
up with the calf for about second but your
body doesn't. You slide over the calf and your
back kisses the floor. Your head is soaking in
the pail Of milk. When you get up you are
mad-uncommonly so. Milk runs from your
hair, and imprecations out of your mouth, and
you solemny declare that you will teach that
calf to drink or break his neck. The calf
doesn't know of this resolve, and he glares at
you in a stupid fright across the stable. He
was not aware that he was the cause of your
downfall, and wonders ignorantly what is the
matter. You don't try to explain it to him,
but furously catch him by the ears look back
over your shoulder at the milk pail, and back
up toward it, dragging the calf after you. The
calf is out of wind, and you haven't particle
of grace left in your heart. You are astride
the calf's neck, and, jamming the fingers of one
hand into his mouth, you place the other
the back of his head and shove his nose into
the pail, fully resolved to strangle him if he
don't drink. The calf holds perfectly still
omnously so-and there is silence for the space
of half minute, at the end of which time the
blockhead, who hasn't drank drop. suddenly
makes splurge and knocks the pail over; you
are again reduced to q horizontal from perpen-
dicuar, and when you rise the excitement is
intense. You have been soaked with milk,
" "sobberedP on and hurt. Not drop of milk
has gone down the brute's throat. and there he
stands glaring at you, ready to furnish you
with another free ride wherever you want to
go. With affidavit you seize the empty pail
and hobble out of the pen, fully resolved to let
the four-footed fool starve; and thus endeth the
first lesson
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
The Ely Screen Agent.

From the Detroit Free Press.
He had six fly screens under his arm, and
was talking to a man in front of a house on
Hastings street.
81 am Offering these at so per cent. below their
cash value,' he explained, because want to
get out of town."
"Vhell, it vhas soon coming winter, and
like to know how some flies come aroundt den2"
the man answered.
THAT'S true enough, my friend. but the fly
question is not the ony Y thing. These screens
save 25 per cent. i'll fuel"
"Vhell?"
"They give an air of refinement to house."
"Vhell2"
"Idon't say they keep out cholera altogether,
but you can't point to house in Detroit pro-
vided with them which has had case of
cholera"
"VheIl, dotvas So"
"In buying them you help poor man to
reach the bedside of his dying wife in Buffalo"
yes"
"You add at least 5000 to the value of your
place."
"Yes."
"They are not burglar alarm, but when a
burglar finds them in the window, he turns
away discouraged"
Dot vhas good"
"The air which enters your house is strained,
as it were, and must, therefore, be free of chips
gravel, sand dust and other substances dele
terious to health"
81 see."
"And you will take 'em?"
my frendt vhas dose fly screens like q
watch dog? If some poys come in the alley,
dose dey raise big row and let HE know2"
why, no; of course not"
If vhas in row NIT my vhife, does dose
fly screens help me oudt?"
"Of course not"
I" If come home in der night und der front
door vhas locked, und | can't get in, does dose
fly screens make it all right?"
"No, sir-no sir. How can you expect any
such things from fly screens?"
"Vhell, / doan' know. | guess you better
moot along to der next corner Eaferyp0dy
says / vhas sweet tempered und kind, but if a
man come along and impose on me und take
me for some greenhorns, / let myself oudt und
knock him so far into next Shanuary dot fly
screens doan keep him warm"
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
The Dakotan Takes an Inning.
fSs. Paul HerdId.l


"Speakin' of productive soil" said the man
from Dakota, "the half has never been told.
A few weeks ago my wife said why, John,
blieve you've took to grOwin' again l mea-
sured myself, an hope GabrePll miss me at
the final roundup if hadn't grown six inches
in two weeks. | couldn't account for it for
some time, till at last / tumbled to the fact
that thar war holes in my boots, an the infer
nal soil got in there an done its work. Did
you see that boy that was with me on the street
this mornin'f Looks like he war about 18
years old. Wal, about six months ago my wife
sot our six-mcnthsod kid down in the plowed
ground to play, an, gents, I'll be Billy be dog
gone if -. But you wouldn't believe that if
l told it. Yes, it's wonderful country, gents
/ could sit here for year relatin' actual facts,
but | must rush out an do some tradn'. I've
got to buy Ratchet to shingle my barn with.
/ left my old hatchet out over night last week,
an in the mornin' it was a full grown ak.
Good-by."
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
Pats Experience In the Elevator.
fRehoboh Sunday Herald. !

The Irishman who went up in the hotel lift
without knowing what it is did not easily re-
cover from his surprise. He relates the story
in this way: I" l went to the hotel. and says l,
is Misther Smith in. sorr?' Says the man
with the sojer cap, viii yez step in?' So l
pulls roae. and-it's the truth rs telling yez-
the walls of the building begin runnin down
to the cellar. Och, murther' says l, 'whatll
become efl Bridget and the childer which was
left below there?' Says the sojer-cap man.,
Be aisy, sorr. They'll be all right when yez
come down Come down, is i!2' says l. And
It is no closet at all, but a haytaensh balloon
that yez got me in And wild that the walls
stopped stock still, and he opened the door, and
there was wi! the roof just over my head !
And by the sainted Molly, that's what saved
me from going up to the hivins entirely!"
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
A HISTORIC SWORD.
A Gift Purchased for Gen. Reynolds, but which He
Never Saw


Never Saw.
From Sergeant Grier's Columbia Herald
The boys of the First Brigade worshped
Reynolds, the man of iron nerve and at one
time movement was organized by the enlisted
men of the brigade, having for its object the
presentation of some gift to the General. there
by expressing their love and admiration. The
result of it was THAT the sum of $3.50 was
raised and it was decided to purchase a sword,
sash and belt. The articles were manufactured
or obtained by a jeweler on Walnut street,
Philadelphia, and was as fine as could be made.
But before chance could be had to present
them to the General Che having been promoted
to a corps commander) lie was killed at Gettys-
burg. The committee having charge of the
matter was composed of Serg't-Ma. E. NJ. Wood
ward, of the Second Reserves, Orderly Serg't
w. Hayes Grier, of the Fifth, and one from
each of the First and Eighth, whose names we
cannot recall. 1t was then decided to present
the sword to Mrs. III. ID. Lands, sister of the
General residing in Philadelphia, and an ap-
plication was made to Gen. Meade for a fur
Tough for five days for the committee to go to
Philadelphia for that purpose. Gen Meade re-
ferred the application to Gen. Crawford. COM
manding the Reserves, with instructions to
select one of the committee to do the work.
Gen. Crawford referred it to Gen. Fisher COM
manding the Brigade, to make the selection.
He did so and Serg't Grier was the one selected,
and on the 24th of Aug, 1868, he arrived in
Philadelphia and presented the sword and its
accompaniments to Mrs. Lands. 1t after
wards fell to the lot of Admiral Reynolds and
at his death itwas returned to the family of Mrs.
Lands and is now owned by Lieut.. j. Z. Reyn-
olds Lands, of the U. s. A. This testimonial
was altogether the work of the enlisted men, not
adOllar being subscribed by a commissioned OFF,
Ger. The boys wanted the glory themselves
and would not allow any outside interference.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
Why They Became MormOns.

A Castle Garden official recently stated some
of the reasons why so many English women
come to this country to join the Mormons
"They don't have half chance to get hus-
bands in England he said. why, one of em
was telling me the other day that, out of 100
women folks in her native village between the
ages of 20 and So, there were husbands for only
So of 'em. Fourteen of the other A had owned
husbands once. but they had died. The re-
naming 80 never had any, and no hopes of get
ting any. She seemed to have made a study Of
the question, for she told me that there were
less than 100000 women between 20 and 40
years in all England and Wales, and of them
nearly 100000 were unmarried. SO when the
English women learned about Utah, and the
glorious opportunities it offered in a marital
way, they became impressed with the place at
once; and that's why they keep coming over
with the Mormon missionaries"
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
HELLOI HELLOI
The Joke Which Telephone Girl Played On q
DutchmaH.

The telephone girl had just hidden her lover
good night and was as happy as lark, when
No. Ill dropped, and she hastened to reply to
the call. Now, Ill is the residence of Ger
man saloon keeper and he sometimes plays
practical jokes on the telephone girl, and she
is always expecting some fun when he calls, 50
she was not surprised to hear him say:
Hello, leedle gall"
"Hello!" she replied.
"Vas you haf connections NIT hell in your
concern2"
"Yes. sir; new line has just been COM
pleted. Will you talk with the devil2"
"Yaw, dot vas him. Yousd houk him on,
und l will ask him how mine olt frient Hans
Bumpeller, vos got along Hans vas go out wit
vas eafer heart something's apond him since he
vas in HE'LL und l voult lige to dun him NIT
dot veesky pill he vas owe me pefore he vas
gone away"
The telephone girl knew that Hans Bum
peler had that day returned, and that he was
stopping at the house whose call was No. 139,
and therefore. she called up 139 and asked for
him, and when he came to the phone, she said
to Ill:
"All right; here's the bad place." and she
rang the bell, and switched brass band on
and off, and concentrated more confusion
and noise in his ear than he had ever heard
before
"Hello!" shouted Ill, "Vas ds hsll?"
"Vell should say sol" come back over the
wire.
Vas Hans Bumpeller dere?"
"You ped he vas"
Ill was astonshed, but replied:
"Call him NIT der telephone, blease."
"Helo!" come back. al vas Hans. How
you vas, Beuler2"
"Vell, mine gootness, dot vos him." said
Bculer, how vas der vedder down dere2"
awful hot. | vas almost roasd tonight"
"Dot vas hell, aind it?"
"Vell, eef you vas here you would tink it
vas"
"Py shimminy, dot vas peat der vorlt!" ex-
claimed Beuler. "Ssy, Hans, how long you
vas been dere?"
Il vas nod peen here more as helluf a day.
l vas tink l like to see you. put der boys vas
say you vas COON town do-mOrrow, so vas wait
for you"
Beuler was scared, and the telephone girl
nearly laughed her sides off, when he hastily
rang off and asked for DOCTOR and told him
to come over right away, because he believed
he would die in the morning. The laugh was
on the side of the telephone girl, but Beuler
never knew it was joke until he had to pay
the doctor his fee, week later.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

The Perfection to Which Their Manufacture has
Been Brought.
TNeD York SUM-

Gen Hoke, of North Carolina, is credited
with remarking on the rapid disappearance, in
late years, of the manned veterans of the civil
war, and saying that in a few years men who
have lost arms or legs will be rare. A news
paper paragraph to that effect was shown to
maker of artificial limbs who furnishes more
substitute arms and legs than anybody else in
the United States, and he said 1T is true
that there are not so many cripples observable
in the streets as there were a few years ago,
but it is also true that there are almost as
many in the community, and probably always
will be as long as we have railroads. So far as
the old soldiers are concerned, don't imagine
that they are dying of any faster than any
other men who were in their prime when the
war ended, II years ago. As for crippes be-
coming rare, that is true as far as their ceasing
to be conspicuous Objects but they are here
among us all the same. The difference is that
the perfection to which the making of artif-
cial ii..ibs has been carried, especially in legs,
prevents the mutilation of their wearers being
noticed Many men wander about with artifi-
cial legs whom nobody would ever suspect of
being MANNED"
In practical demonstration Of what he said
he called upon three of his employees young
woman, boy and middle-aged man-and
set them walking to and fro in his large office.
There was nothing peculiarly observable in
the gait of either-no heavy, wooden tramp,
no stiffness in the motions of the feet, and no
haltiug in the alternating steps. yet the young
woman wore one artificial leg and each of the
Others were supported on two wooden limbs.
"Thcre," he continued, with an air of tri-
umph, " is the climax OF scientific invention
in this direction. Nobody would imagine
seeing them in the street, that they have been
crippled. And the young woman will dance
all night with that substitute leg without her
partner suspeeting its existence, the man viii
skate, and the boy can run a race. This is all
attained by the use of solid rubber foot that
is elastic under the heel tread and bends at
the toes like a natural foot. / could point out
to you in the street scores of men that wear
these rubber feet, not only old soldiers, but
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
The Eci;nSe in EprmsnY.

On the evening before the Colonel Of regi-
ment of infantry sent for all the Sergeants and
said to them: There will be an eclipse on the
sun tomorrow. The regiment will meet on the
parade ground in undress. / will come and
explain the eclipse before the drill. Ifthe sky
is cloudy the men will meet in the drill shed,
as usual" Whereupon the Sergeants drew up
the following order of the day: Tomorrow
morning, by order of the Colonel, there will
be an eclipse of the sun. The regiment will
assemble on the parade ground, where the
Colonel will come and superintend the eclipse
in person If the sky is cloudy the eclipse will
take place in the drill shed."-Journag Pour
Rirs
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
In Strict Confidence.

First Bridesmaid-"Y You'll never tell2"
Second Brdesmaid-"O OF course not: Il never
do, yon know"
First Bridesmaid" Well, she told mo, in
strict confidence, understand that though Jack
WAS poor, they were going to travel all Sum-
mer and stop at the best hotels. and they got
the money by selling their duplicate wedding
presents. l wonder whether my spoons are
paying part of the expenses. Troy Times.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
consumDtion Cured.

An old physician, retired from practice, hav-
ing had placed in his hands by an East India
missionary the formula of simple vegetable
remedy for the speedy and permanent cure Of
Consumption. Bronchitis, Catarrh, Asthma aud
all Throat and Lung Affections also a positive
and radical cure for Nervous Debility and all
Nervous Complaints, after having tested its
wonderful curative powers in Thousands of
cases. has felt il his duty to make it known to
his suffering fellows. Actuated by this motive
and desire to relieve human suffering, | viii
send free of charge, to all who desire it, this
recipe, in German French or English, with full
directions for preparing and using Sent by
mail by addressing with stamp, naming this
paper, w. A. MOVES, 149 Potosr's Block, ROches-
tor, NJ Y.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
Alarming Weakness in Man.

Without the least expense for medical or
other treatment young, old. or middle-ased
men who are weak, nervous, and Frustrated
from whatever cause can be quickly and per-
manently cured. Method of cure new remark
able, simple and infallible. and approved by
the most intelligent patients and physicians
The opportunity is one of lifetime, and those
interested are advised to apply at once, inclos-
ing seif-addressed stamped envelope for all
particulars to Auti-Medical Bureau, 9 Dey
street, New York.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
"AS Good as NeM.o

are the words used by q lady, who was at one
time given up by the most eminent physicians,
and left to die. Reduced to q mere skeleton,
pale and haggard, not able to leave her bed,
from all those distressing diseases peculiar to
suffering females, such as displacement, leucor-
rhga. inflammation etc. etc. She began TAX
ing Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescription" and
also using the local treatment recommended by
him, and is now, she says, "as good ia new"
Price reduced to one dollar. By druggists.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

ONE of our active business men fastening
through the streets few days carrying small box.
He had been summoned by telegraph TO attend im-
porant meeting Feeling unable, by reason of headache
and indigestion to properly look after the interests in
yolved ne had to box of GraefeubeTg Pills.
and In few he felt the magical effects of this
wonderful health reStorer.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

Ladies who would retain freshness and vi
vacity, Don't fail to try Wells Health Re-
newer"
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

Catarrhal throat affections, hacking. irritat-
ing coughs. colds, cured By Dough on Coughs
25c.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
SILKS for PATCHWORK

In cent and packages Handsomes assOrtmentevsr
offered Our 20 cent package of Best Embroidery Silk,
assorted cOlors and Illustrated Book of fancy stches
designs &c. for crazy work free with every 90 order.
YALE SILK WORKS, New Haven, Conn
Mention The National Tribune.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

Nervous Weakness, Dyspepsia, Sexual De-
bility, cured by "Wslls' Health Renewer." s.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

"Rough On Dentist" Tooth Powder. Try
it. 15c.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16
LYDIA Z. PIMKHAM'S
VEGETABLE COMPOUNDs
: is A POSITlVE CuRE
Fer all of those Painful Complaints ana
Weaknesses so common to our best .
- *FElIALE POPULATION.

Weaknesses so common to our best .
- *FEuALE POPULATION -
IT WILL CURE ENTIRELY THE WORST FORM OF En-.
MALE COMPLAINTS, ALL OVARIAN TROUBLES, Ix-
PLANTATION AND ULCERATION. FAILING AND Due
PLACEMENTS, AND THE CONSEQUENT SPISAI. WEAH-
NESS, AND Is PARTICULARLY ADAPTED TO THE
CHANGE OF LIFE.
IT WILL DISSOLVE AND EXPEL. TUMoRs FROM THE
UTERUS IN AN EARLY STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT. TIE
TENDENCYTOC CAECEROUs HUMoEs THERE'S CHECKED
VERY SPEEDILY By ITS USE. =
IT REMOVES FAINTNEss. FLATULESCY, DESTROYS
ALL CRAVING FOR sT1MULANTs, AND RELIEVES WEAK
NESS OF THE STOMACH. IT CURES BLOATING, HEAD
ACHE, NERVOUS PRosrRATION, GENERAL DEBILITY,
DEPRESSION AND INDIGESTION. = .
THAT FEELING OF BEARING Down, CAUSING PAIN.
WEIGHT AND BACKAcHE, Is ALWAYS PERMANENTLY
CURED BY ITS USE.
IT WILL AT ALL TINES AND UNDER ALL CTRCuH-
STANCES ACT IN HARMONY WITH THE LAWS THAr
GOVERN THE FEMALE SYSTEM. .
syITs PURPOSE Is SOLELY FOR THE LEGITIMATE
HEALING OF DISEASE AND THE RELIEF OF PAIN. AND
THAT II DOES ALL IT CLAIMS To DO, THOUSANDS OF
LADIES CAN GLADLY TESTIFY. "a .
= For THE CURE oY KIDNEY COMPLAINTS IN
EITHER SEX THIS REMEDY Is UNSURPASSED . .
LYDIA e PINKHARS VEGETABLE COMPOUND ts
prepared at Lynn, Mass Price 81 Six bottles for sa
Sold by oil druggists Sent by mail postage paid in form
of Pills Lozenges receipt of price as above Mrs
Lady sending stamp. Letters confdenaIIy answered
No family should be without LYDIA E PIyKHAYps
liver PILLS They cure Consultation. BtousueSs ani
xorpidtty OF the Liver. IS cents per boz /.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

"Rough on Coughs" Troches, I5c; Liquid
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

"Buchu- paiba." Great Kidney and Urinary
cure.
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

Children slow in development, puny, scraw-
ny and delicate. use Wells Health Remover"
The National tribune., 1884-10-16

STEADY EMPLOYMENT for reiissss
agents at from s. 70 $40 per day selling Hsis's
BIG $; :$;;:s: ::: ::;::: :; ;:;
plated article that every family needs- La
dies as well as gentlemen wanted imme2%
0kNI ateIy. Address with stamps for territory,
[ HI HALE MANUFACTURING co,
Detroit, Mich.
Mention The National Tribune