The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1884-07-03
WANTED A wife.

Harvard Lampoon
WANTED 4 wife.
4 College Tale.
Jack Horribly, Of Brazenfaoe College,
Oxford, had just finished his usual after
breakfast pipe, on the last day of the
summer term, 1880, when his attention
was arrested by sharp rap at his
door, Immediately followed by the en-
trance of the well-dressed person of his
college friend, Methven.
Come along in" said Horribly, ind
light yourself a pipe"
mo, thank ye, can't STOP" replied
Methven, las have lot to do this
morning; but thought I would run
across and tell you bit OF news. 1
have just arranged q glorious hoax, at
the expense, 1 need hardly say, of old
Crofton; he has become to cute lately
to be caught by our old time-honored
Jokes, and so I have arranged the fol-
lowing plan: A week ago I inserted in
the agony column of the Morning Adver-
tiser glowing matrimonial ADVERTISE
ment. in which I stated that the adver-
tiser, who was handsome and rich, and
all that sort of thing, desired to meet
with apretty and accomplished girl with
view to matrimony. All applicants
were to send their photographs; the re-
plies to be sent to H. c., No, ISL st.,
Giles, Oxford-that's the house where
my scout lives, and so, of course I told
him to bring me any letters thus adj
dressed. Igot no reply for day or so but
four days ago received letter from a
certain damsel who described herself as
young, handsome and accomplished, in
closed me the photograph of o very
pretty girl, ended by asking mo when
and where should meet her in town,
and signed herself Miss l.. Bernard,
Piccadilly Circus Postofice; she also
expressed desire to have the adver-
Users photograph, so promptly sent
her that of old Crofton, which he had
lately given me, and said would write
tonight when and where I should
meet hor; so my scheme is, to somehow
induce Crofton to meet this girl; she
will Of course recognize hlm by the
photograph have sent, will probably
rush into his arms, and the kangaroo
will be utterly overpowered, and there
will be an interesting denouement.
Now, Horribly, don't you think that a
m agniticent piece Of strategy?"
"No, indeed 1 DON'T" said Horribly,
I think it IN internal shame; and,
what's moro, I have half mind to 90
and tell the kangaroo of the hoax"
ooh, come now" said Methven,
''you'd never do that, Jack, I know.
Well, I can't stay any longer, so good
by for the present"
There is not the very slightest doubt
that if the fates had not interviewed,
Horndy would have gone straight to
Crofton and warned him of the impend-
ing hoax, and this story would never
have been written; but, rs it happened
no sooner had Methven gone out OF
Horney's rooms than in rushed the Sec
rotary of tho College Cricket Club in a
state of breathless anxiety; there was a
match at 11.3O, it was now II o'clock,
and he could only get together eight
men. So Horribly was promptly en-
listed, and by the time the match was
over Methven and his scheme had en-
tirely faded from his not to retentive
HleHlOIN. MeCA'eu, III Clo' LActsAt1AAc.
had gone straight to Crofton's rooms.
Now this Crofton, who was
about to fall victim to Meth
vens wilcs, was the son of a
large Australian sheep farmer, and had
come up to Brszenface the previous
October. Like most colonists who
have not been to school in England, he
was very simple and unsophisticated (;
ard though the kangaroo, rs he was
generally called, was very popular, he
was constantly being made the victim
of some practical jokes, most of which
were originated by Methven, who was
the professional hoaxer of Brazenface.
He always forgave them heartily, and
joined in the laugh himself. However,
his one years residence in college had
opened his eyes little, and, being natur-
ally anything but fool, his friends
found it not quite so easy to take him in
now as it used to be, and several at
tempts having lately failed, Methven,
to sustain his dwindling reputation as
ajoker, had concoctea the plan he had
disclosed to Hornby. He found the
r. genial giant busily packing his traps
ready for going down the next day.
After chatting moment the tempter
began:
As you are going to town tomorrow,
I want YOU to do me little favor I
promised to meet girl. a cousin of
mine, to- morrow. We had each got an
order for the house of commons, and I
was to have escorted her, and as we
meant to have little lunch together at
Lucas before we went in, we had ar
ranged to meet at a quarter past at
the Westminster Bridge landing pier,
that being place where we couldn't
possibly miss one another. Now, as
bad luck will have it the man has sent
for me to SEQ him after collections, so
that I can't get up to town in time.
Unfortunately, I can't let the girl
know, because she's away on a visit for
address Ihave forgotten, and she won't
return home till after she's been to the
house. Now, don't want the poor
child to wait an hour for me, so would
\ you mind going there about 2:15 and
e'tell her I can't come because of that
beastly Dean? And so that you can't
mistake her, I've brought you her pho
tograph. By-the-by, her names Miss
|, Bernard. Now, will this be too much
trouble for you?"
ooh, not a bit, " said Crofton, II shall
be delighted"
"Well, remember, Westminster land
ing pier, at quarter past 2! And n ow,
good-by, and apleasant long to you. "
Methven, highly elated with the re-
suit of his scheme, Immediately wrote a
note to Miss L. Bernard that H. c..
would meet her at the Westminster
bridge pier, at quarter past two pune
tually, and that she must come up and
speak to him if she saw him first.
The next morning Crofton, having