davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
Skindcrson VS.. Skindersen.

The other morning volcanic-looking
matron appeared in Judge LAWYERS
court and demanded to be informed as
to the very earliest moment q divorce
could be granted to O cash customer.
Have you complaint, madam p"
said the Judge, soothmgly.
II should say l had, judge" snapped
tho applicant. "I'll just tell you what
the brute Skinderson-I'm Mrs. Skin
derson, more's the. pity-what that
brute Skinderson's been doing. Flesh
and blood can't stand it.
"Did he beat you?" inquired his
Honor.
II should like TO see him try it" said
Mrs. S., with an indignant sniff Its
heap worse. This morning / was
talking with the aggravating thing for
over two hoirs-just arguing with him,
mind you, about new paper for the
parlor-when what do you suppose he
did,"
Tried to shoot himself?" hazarded
the Judge.
II just wish the mean brute had
No, sir; the wretch rang for q district
telegraph messenger boy, and when he
came Skinderson Law down on the
lounge, and says, with one of thos,
cold, tantali2ing smiles of his'n, Mar
tina, I'm worn out now, and I'm going
to take nap. Just wrangle with Thu
boy for an hour or two, and when
wake mp I'll relieve him. If he gives on
meanwhile, just ring up another"
I'm afraid you couldn't get divorces
on that sold the Court, refcctively.
-Couldn't, eh?" cried the victim o
domestic infehcity, in rage. al
right; I'll go straight homo, and j
Skmderson hasn't woke up yet, IT
dump some hot ashes on his head; II
fix him yeti" with which consoling an
ticipation she sailed out.-SGn Fran
cisco Post
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

The man who attempts to thread a
needle for lady friend takes a greater
risk than he who with lighted cigar
in his mouth handles keg of powder.
He knows there is an element Of danger
in what he is doing when he tackles tie
powder, but it isn't one man in a
hundred that suspects anything out q
the usual run OF things when asked hy
lady to thread needle. Few mon
there are who can resist such an appeal,
especially if the lady be young and
pretty. When she is young and pretty
there is all the more reason for being
on your guard. 1t is woman's priv
ilege to never grow older than %, and
it M her privilege to cover up and deny
her weak points, especially dimness OF
vision brought on by old age. 1t is ex-
pected that woman will conceal these
defects, and no matter how she does it,
it can't be cons dered falsehood nc
matter how void of truth her denial
may be. This being the case she sus-
poets that every man in the country Ii
trying to play the same tactics, and in
order to put him to the test she will
hand him O needle and ask him To
thread it. See how closely she watches
every movement OF her victim. See
her smile as he vets his big thumb and
index finger and tries to twist the
obstinate thread to a point. 1t is q
whole circus to her. See the poor
victim get his hands mp before him and
try to steer that thread into the eye OF
that needle. His eyes bung out like
tea-cups, the psrspirstion rolls off his
brow, but he knows nothing of it. He
is intent only on one object, no matter
how much of show he is making Of
himself In trying to thread a needle
which has no eye. She gave that needle
to him knowing that were hi, eyesight
good he would detect it. She won't bt
satisfied by an explanation that hel
victim thought she knew there was al
eye In it, and as n matter of course
made no examination of the needle him
self. No, no excuse will right things
and the poor man VINO has been victim
lied goes forth from her presence after
such a test, as n galvanized old beat
who is getting eoltish again and want,
to cup up capers with the young girls
Henceforth that mans life is an un
happy one. 1t is needles and thread
and thread and needles whenever h,
comes around or is spoken of. Their
is only one needle man is sure o
threading and that is darning needle
provided he uses mo. q" cotton. No
you don't want to attempt the task o
threading needle for a lady unles
you know beyond question that tn
lady's intentions are honorable and tina
you are sure there is an eye in tn
needle. 1t is easier for camel to q
through the eye of a needle than for
man to recover his good name afte
trying to thread an eyeless needle
Peck's San.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
The Bottom Sliding Down.

The Mississippi is said to be subject
to a new danger. It's bottom is said to
be moving toward the Gulf of Mexico.
OF course not the bottom for the entire
length. but the ooze and mud for many
hundreds of miles is sliding down, as
it were, and making the river shallower
ut its outlets. Should this continue,
and man be unable to control it, the
river would in time be confined, a.
banks would be formed at its mouth.
This would make o great lake out OF
portions of Lou siana and Texas. OF
course new outlets would be formed,
but in the meantime vast changes
would occur in the Mississippi Valley.
Great cities would be submerged
Lakes larger than Superior or Ontario
would cover regions now occupied by
farms and towns. Still this need not
concern the present generation. II
would take many hundreds, if not
thousands, of years to effect these al
terations, and then, perhaps, mechan
ical science and human resources may
be so developed as to enable man t,
overcome, or at least modify, the slow
operations of nature. - DemoresP.
Monthly.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

ATLANTA Constitution: The COM
mittee in charge of the matter has Sc
lected for the late Senator Hills statue
the following inscriptions from his writ
ings: HE who saves his country saves
all things and all things saved do bless
him; who lets his country die let's all
things die-dies himself, ignobly-and
all things do curse him." On the re-
verse side: "The Constitution should
know no section, but should know
all the States" On one side piece
"We are in our fathers house, our
brothers are our companions, and We
are here to stay, thank God, forever"
On the other side will be brief rec
ord of the Senator's public and profess
sional life. The statue is rapidly APP
preaching completion.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
Didn't Understand the GrOan.

A Dutchman who made his entry in
to New Orleans while the cholera was
raging there, was greatly troubled in
finding boarding house. He inquired
of the first one he saw if they had the
cholera in the house, and learning they
had, he went to another, and another,
determined not to stop at any house
where the disease was doing its work of
death At last, after long and weary
search, he found one where there was
no cholera, and he took up his quarters
there. The master of the house was a
godly man, and had family worship
every night. AS all were assembled for
the purpose, and the master was offer
ing prayer, he groaned with some force
and fervor, when the Dutchman started
up, and cried out: "Oh, Lord, vot ish
ter matter ?" Nothing" said the host I;
keep still, will you, and behave your
self" In short time he groaned
again, and the Dutchman started, with
his eyes staring like saucers, and ex-
claimed, "Oh, my Got dere is some
thing ter matter NIT you" "No there
amt" said the landlord, and then, to
calm his boarder's apprehension, he
added Il am a Methodist, and it is
the habit of most of the members of the
church to groan during their devotions,
and that is my way" This was enough
for the Dutchman, who rushed into the
street, asked for a doctor. and found
one, and begged him to run to the
house on the corner. whats the mat
ter?" said the doctor; "have they got
the cholcra?" No, no, but worse; da
ha got ter Metterdis, and der man will
die NIT it pefore you don't kit there, il
Won run auick
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

In full season millions Of dollars
were often turned in one night at
Crockford's celebrated gambling club
in London. The net profits of the sea-
son were $3.50, 900, and yet the weekly
expenses averaged $1,000. The fitting
up of the house cost nearly $3.50, 900.
Crockford's was ostensibly organized
as club, and the committee elected
the members, but any one who had a
fortune to lose could easily obtain ad-
mission The Duke of Wellington was
an original member, but was never
known to enter the hazard-room. For
ten years before Crockford's was start
ed there was very high play at Walters
(the principal frequenters of which were
hopelessly ruined), at Brookes', and
also ut Whites, where the late Lord
Granville was the great player. He is
said to have been nearly a million to
the bad ut the end of his career, al
though as one time he had won $780,
600. Lord Granville once lost $115,-
900 ut hazard at single sitting of
seven hours, and $50, 900 at one nights
whist.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
An Earthquake.

About 10 o'clock on a still winters
night, in 1857, l was sitting writing on
q third floor Of one of the great houses
that extend along the Chiaja of Naples,
toward the hill of Posilippo, where the
vast masonry foundations of ancient
Roman villas project far out under the
clear blue waters of the Mediterranean.
Suddenly, with no preliminary warning,
/ experienced a peculiar sensation of
something new and terrible that was
passing around me. 1t was difficult at
first to realize what ii was. 1t was not
like the vibrations of heavy passing
carts, not like the shaking of storm,
but q rapidly increasing irresistible
movement, as if the earth had been
seized and shaken in sport by some
Cyclopean hand. All the bells Of the
house rang violently. The chandelier
above my head swung to and fro like
pendulum. The floors creaked and
strained as though about to start from
the walls. The doors seemed ready to
fall from their hinges. Although the
duration of the shock appeared consid-
cradle to the strained and startled
senses, it in reality hardly exceeded
eight seconds; but, after brief inter-
val, second shock succeeded, lasting
twice as long, and of such violence that
it was estimated by observers that, had
it continued only about four seconds
longer, the whole of Naples would have
been in ruins. AS it reached its climax
saw the walls bullying out as if about
to fall inward upon me, and unable to
bear longer the protracted suspense of
waiting patiently for catastrophe that
seemed inevitable, / made for the
arched stone staircase Of the house, and
at first, with difficulty maintaining my
footing on the swaying steps, reached
the street after the vibrations had died
away. The wide Chiaja, extending a
mile along the shore, and which two
minutes earlier had been silent ard de-
serted, was now thronged with dense
crowd. all dressed in white night
clothes, and all hurrying terror stricken
iowa the famous church of Posili po,
the favorite shrine of the supers = ions
| Neapolitans. 1t seemed like an den
rising of the sheeted dead, thronci s in
q moment the streets of the sleep ag
city. But soon the silence of the I. I'ri-
fed crowd was broken by the loud vries
of women calling for mercy and pro-
lection to the patrons of their idola-
trous devotion. In the southern dis
tricts of the Neapolitan kingdom some
5000 persons persisted in this earth
quake, amid the ruins of many villages
aud towns. In Naples 1 remembe,
hearing that about eighty small subse-
luent shocks had been registered, in
the course of the succeeding fortnight
Mt the Royal Observatory. During
several succeeding nights the native
population lighted great fires and
camped around them in the streets
The legacy of terror left by earthquake:
among superstitious populations ant
he difficulty of exact observation wher
N the utterly helpless expectation o.
sudden death, or mutilation and en-
tombment, have certainly rendered tin,
records of earthquakes, before the in
vention of self-recording instruments
peculiarly liable to exaggeration ant
he growth of sensational fables
Leisure Hour.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
Perlls OF Travel.

Charles" said fond wife who was
assisting her husband in preparing for
short journey, "what is this flask of
whiskey for?'
"That," said her husband, suddenly
looking up from his valise, 20, that's to
be used exclusively in the case of snake
bites.
"But, my dear" demonstrated the lit
tie woman, there are no snakes in the
cars"
90, yes there are-at times. You
see, when they stop to wood up, or take
water at some way station out in the
woods-some gloomy swamp or bayou
the snakes board the train and crawl
around among the passengers legs. It's
mighty annoying, and dangerous, too.
And then, too, I've seen men on the
cars with their boots full of snakes
real serpents-none of your circus
poster reptiles, but the genuine article.
Yes, / shouldn't consider my life worth
10 cents if 1 were to leave that bottle
of whiskey behind. "-Terds Strings.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

AN interesting ceremony took place
at Birmingham, England, recently, on
the occasion of the Homecoming" of q
man named Hall after twenty years
penal servitude for wife murder.
Thousands of people, it is stated, met
Hall at the railway station and gave
him an enthusiastic reception, greeting
him with loud cheers until he was driven
off in q cab with his relatives. These
tokens of sympathy and esteem must
have Somewhat surprised Hall. Wife
murder was, twenty yeors ago, looked
upon as rather serious offense, even
when, as in the case of Hall, it was
committed under circumstances of ex-
IRENE provocation.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

large, there is nothing for il but to
make the best of the business by dress
ing so as to reduce the apparent size.
Women usually try to reduce the actual
size, and then dress as If the reduced
size were the natural one. They do
not deceive practiced eye, and the
deception they achieve is dearly bought
by loss of health and irremediable col
lapse of the figure at q latter period.
If they only sought to reach the normal
proportion, the matter would be
trihing. But no woman who ever
begins the process ever stops at that
point, SO long as she has a
friend with waist smaller than
her own. Absolute smallness becomes
the dominant idea, and in pursuit OF it
she sacrifices proportion, health,
beauty, and her chance of living to be a
we'll preserved woman. Mothers often
begin the mischief. When girls are at
the stage which in men is called hob
bledehoy, their waists often look big
and clumsy. The reason is obvious
enough. The waist has reached It's
full development, while the bust has
not; but the first care of the anxious
parent is to crush it into proportion
with the undeveloped bust, If not into
something even less substantial. The
standard of size, once fixed, is adhered
to, and the development OF the figure,
if not checked by the treatment, soon
renders the waist ridiculous. If the
development is checked the woman
never attains womanly proportions al
all, but goes to swell the crowd of i'll
made-up milliner's dolls that may be
seen any day in our streets.
OF course, in theory, the doctors
should warn people of the mischief
they are doing. They should point
out that the young lady's little ailments
are aggravated, if not caused, by thu
liberties she is taking with her anato
my. They should warn her and hel
parents that they are destroying the
power of the muscles intended by ma
ture to brace and support the figure
and preparing for collapse in later
life that will defy disguise. But doc
tors, like other people, are very mucl
what the public makes them. They
have their money to MAJ and theil
practice to extend, and they are not go
ing to injure their prospects by becom
ing John Baptists crying In the wilder
ness. They will give general warming
about the evils of tight-lacing, but i
their patients do not choose to make
the application for themselves tn,
doctors cannot afford to maxi
inquisition which is pretty certain to b.
resented, and issue orders which vii
call forth sulkiness instead of obedience
1t is presumably to please men tina
women indulge in these antics, and tin,
true remedy therefore lies in educating
the masculine mind. If men woul'
learn to take their ideas of femal
beauty from Greek statues or health.
country girls, if any remain who hav
not learned to ape the .follies Of thei
betters, they would probably brinl
about salutary change which doctor
might attempt in vain. But so long a
the preposterous figures of the fashion
plates figures usually seven feet high
with waists that would suit woman O
four feet six-are accepted as models
the fair sex will no doubt go on heroi
cally torturing itself into the fantasti
ugliness now so common.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

tended periods Of intense excitement.
He cites the case of lady who had
lately returned from Monte Carlo much
broken down in health, and greatly
weakened by tho severe fits Of ex-
haustion from which she invariably
suffered after ON hour or two ut the
gaming table. She said that her abil-
ity to continue the game was determ-
med by the extent of her power to sus-
tain an aspect Of Indifference in the
presence of spectators.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

TRAVELLING by railway, M. De Les
seps gets into the first compartment at
hand, and drops into the first vacant
seat he finds Then he scrutinizes the
other passengers sharply. If he can
get up a conversation with one of them
he does so; if not, he folds his arms,
goes to sleep, and only wakes up when
his destination is reached. At sea, he
lies in his berth, fast asleep, all the
time, except when at his meals. On a
recent voyage from Marseilles to Alex
andria, lasting 100 hours, he spent 1917
hours in sleep. He has given up ice
water baths, but still takes much horse
back exercise.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

ALBERT EDWARD, Prince of Wales,
seems to have a large fund of good
sense, and in this respect differs from
nearly every other Guelph that ever
lived. In accommodating himself to
the times, and accepting position on
the commission of inquiry into the con-
-dition of the poor, he has displayed
more than usual tact. His action in
this matter will certainly increase his
popularity.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

HERE is true fish story. Last year,
at Portland, Me-, there were taken
and packed AZ, 400 barrels OF mackerel
14.400 barrels of herring, and 1000
barrels of shad. This gave employ
ment to 1920 men. There were also
caught 122, 900 quintals of Goldfish and
3,0OO,0 900 of Holsters, and 1000, 900
pounds. of paddock were taken and
smoked. The more the reader thinks
about how much 100000" is, the
more will this look like fish story.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

For the week ending March 30. 1884. the reports
indicate that Inflammation of brain ana pheu-
monia increased, and that remittent fever. IN
aginms ton of the bowels tonsilitis,and hronchi-
It's decreased in area OF prevalence.
At the Sta e capital the prevailing winds dur.
inc the week ending March - were cas-, and
compared with the preceding week, the tenn
rerature was higher, the atmospheric pressure
considerably lower. the aisolutc humidity and
the night ozone more, the cay ozone considera-
blv more ard the relative humidty less.
Including reports by gular observers and
others, cipntheria was reported present during
the week ending March 20, and sncc mt 10 places,
namely, Adj Bri igewa ter, Detroit, East Sagi-
nav Mason. Monroe, Pontiac, South haven.
Union City Wyandotie: scarlet fever at "a
places, Adrian, Chester, Detroit. East Saginaw,
Forest Grand Rapids. HHlsdalc, alamazoo,
Lakevicw, Mason, Man stee, M; Pleasant, Mon
Roxann. Quincy, st. Johns. st. ClSir. Sag nav,
Spencer, Sunhcld: measles at II places, Adrian.
Detroit, East Saginaw, Grand Rapids Hillsdale,
Iansln., Mason, Mendon. Monroe. Saginaw,
Wyandotte. HENRY Is. BAKER. Secretary.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
Domestic Conundrum.

"Say, Mrs. Taukenphast, want to
ask you conundrum.
"Well," replied his worthy spouse,
Il promised on my wedding day that l
would obey you-bu l have been
sorely tried, Taukerphast, I've been
sorely tried. What is the conundrum ?"
"When is a man like a hog?"-Fort
WayRe Hoosier.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
Girls In India.

The girls have an interesting time of
it in India. Very often girls are mar
ried at the age of 3 years, and should
the boy to whom they were welded die
the next day the infant is declared a
perpetual widow, and may not marry
again though she live to be 60 years of
age. They do not think very much of
women over there, anyway.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
A Horrible Revenge,

A young Michigan lover had quar-
rel with his sweetheart. who was also
his cousin. To get seven with her." he
proposed to her mother, widow OF
40, twenty-one years his elder, and his
aunt by marriage. She accepted him,
and the two were married, TO the great
discontinue OF the girl.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

Ex-CoSoREssNAS ]. @. BURROWS has been
appointed by the President to be Solicitor OF
the Treasury, TO I'LL the vacancy caused by
the recent death of Kenneth Rayner.
USE for ten years will not of itself mako a
road public highway IL no legal proceedings
have been regularly taken to lay IL out or es.
tablish 1t as such. 20 says the Supreme Court
OF this State.
THE editor OF the Deerfeld Record Is In
hard luck. He received nearly all the votes
cast for Village Recorder; but there Is no
such office known TO the village charter-it
Is Village Clerk. So Willis Hood is legally
elected
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

PHILADELPHIA school-boys are dan
gerous creatures. One of them, not
yet 16 years old, spent short vacation
up in the country lately, and while
there so captivated the affections of a
farmers daughter that she took poison
and tried to die when he failed to an
swer her letters. She said she wanted
to go out of life like Ethel st. Maur
in the Broken Vow" Her father had
the poison pumped out and her life
saved, and then he wrote to the youth
that he ought to be ashamed of him
self, and if he would come up to that
neighbourhood again some time he
would horsewhip him within an inch of
his life. When that second visit occurs
the youth will have aged by many
moons.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
Ths Trns Yurtheruer.


A MAN named Chenworth, who lives
IN the village of Cowboy, Kan, owns
a horse which he sends to store three
miles distant for provisions. A note
tied to the horses name has hist of
the articles wanted. They are strapped
in bag TO his back. The animal never
stops to nibble grass, but goes the
whole distance at brisk trot.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10

WHEN Charles Dickens was in Amer
lea for the first time he dined at the
house of one of the Harper brothers,
the well-known publishers. A little
Harper came to the table. Dickens
placed him on his knee, and said :
You are very fine boy, indeed; you
are the son of the greatest pirate on
earth"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-04-10
WOMAN GOSSIP.
Positively u Negative.

A damsel beset for her photograph
BY vapid youth OF the genus calf.
Agreed at last the boon to grant,
TO the great delight of tho gay gallant.
"Oh. thanksl" said he. Il some cay shall
Plead for the fair original"
And roguishly shaking her iaunty head,
I'll give you the negative, them she said.