McCook weekly tribune. (McCook, Neb.) 188?-1886, 1884-10-16
CANDIDATE ST. JOHN.


RunabtinDs, Whisktngs, Brandings, PmncI,-
ings, Sn,as'sin0s of the Cold Water oa,tdi-
date From Tub to Iun,bler.
New York Morning journal.
John st. John, the aqueous candidate
of the prohibition party for the presi-
dency, was born by the side of bah
bling brook whose sparkling waters
gushed and gurgled in the sunlight.
In the front of his parental residence
were fountains, from which the crystal
water leapt high in air, and in which
the young heir was wont to battle be-
fore breakfast every morning.
While he was yet a babe he evinced
an extraordinary fondness for water,
and would cry whenever he caught
sight of the tiny bathtub in which his
nurse bathed him.
Once in the tub he would splash and
kick with delight, but when he was
taken out he would howl until the dogs
took up the chorus and continued it
with additional vehemence.
AT school he preferred books relating
to water
When his teacher told him that the
earth was composed of about three
fourths water and one-fourth land he
lifted up his voice and wept because
there was not more water.
He always read the story of Noah
with intense interest, and was often
heard to say that he wished he had
lived in those delightful damp days.
He fairly dotted on ducks, and even in
the depth of winter he would break
holes in the ice for the purpose of enab
ling the festive fowls to enjoy their
usual Material pleasures.
During the hot summer weather he
fairly lived in the river-in fact, he be-
came so addicted to swimming that his
family physician feared that he would
die of water on the brain.
In the town where he spent his boy
hood he was known as Neptune" on
account of his fondness for the water
At the age of twelve he reached the
height of his ambition by becoming the
driver of the village sprinkling cart.
1t was while in the discharge of this
duty that he nearly submerged the
town.
He subsequently joined the fire de-
partment and was always one of the
hardest and most efficient workers at
the pumps.
He.preached against the earthquake
because of the first syllable in the word
rumbling. He denounced whisk brooms
because they reminded him of corn
juice. He had similar objection to
branding irons. He would not fight
because he would have to give or take
a punch or a smash.
After few years he was appointed
to the position of superintendent of the
water works from which the village re-
ceived its supply.
His house was adorned with notices
of various descriptions, all more or less
relating to the subject which was near
est and dearest to him.
In his dining room over the mantel
was suspended the motto:
.'Water is the best of all things"
On his well curb is the sign:
''Water tastes better out of wooden
bucket than wine out of a golden COB
let"
He is fond of giving conundrums to
LIS IL lCliStS, SuSh
''Why is a politicians tongue like a
brooke" Then before they could an
swer he would reply: Because it runs
without ceasing and never wearies.''
Although he has filled the guberna-
torial chair of a great western state, it |
is believed that he was never full him
self.
Yet it is darby rumored that his
chances Of becoming president are
Olighted because he has refused to set
lie an old bar-bill, which he contracted |
some time ago in fit of absent-mind-
edness.
His particular pet is an enormous
which waves over his Shout
lers like pair of suspenders.
Its natural color is red, but his enc
MES solemnly state that he gives it the
omber shade of raven wing.
If that be true he is the only candi-
late who has ever dyed for his country
Without shedding blood.
He is a good man, but his weight is
lot known.
At present his campaign is conducted
without spirit.
The result is already an established
act.
The original st. John lost his head by
aving it served up on charger.
The present St. John will probably
0se his in water spout.