New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1884-08-20
WIT AND HUMOR.

ana presently maGIeTS Decame 30 quiet
that you could hear q rolling pin drop.
..Ah, Mr.. Hebbleton, hear that you
have been called to the ministry"
.Well. can hardly term it q call.
They only offer me $500 q year. Sort
Of q whisper, you understand. !"
A compromise is where you kick an
army mule when you don't get what
you want, and then accept twice as
much as you expected to get. If you
don't get what you want. compromise.
A German scientist says that every
cubic foot of air contains L., 900, 600 in
sects, and travelling man says that
the country hotel beds that he has been
sleeping in must be built entirely of
air.
Highland preacher (excitedly rebuk-
ing the erring) GU are on your way
to the bottomless pit, and if you don't
take care and stop short yeu'n go down
and down till you reach the very bot
tom!''
Deafness, it is said, can be cured by
being suddenly surprised. All q
physician need do, therefore, is to
whisper to the patient that he doesn't
intend to charge anything. Ten chances
to one the patient will hear hila1el-
phia Call.
..No, indeed! / wasn't afraid of the
bug!'' exclaimed Miss Fussandfeather,
after she had recovered from her faint
ing spell at the church picnic the other
day; ''but knew such horrible shade
of green wouldn't harmonic with nv
new pink dress. "
..MayI have the pleasure of seeing
you home?" he bashfully asked. Ger
tainly." she graciously replied; ''there
is high hill just in front of tho house,
or, if you prefer it, you can climb q big
tree in the COW lot. Go anywhere where
you can get good view"
''Just to think" said the Vassar
graduate; ':here is an account of q
train being thrown from the track by q
misplaced switch. How utterly care
less some women are about leaving
their hair around" And she went on
reading and eating caramels.
Afamous Prussian general was in
speeding some military stables. "What
do see there" he said in tones of
thunder to sergeant-''cobw ebsp"
Eyes, SIR" was tho respectful reply,
eve keep them there to catch the flies
and prevent their teasing the horses.''
Scene, office Of female physician:
Enter man in haste-''Won'ty you please
come down, doctor, and see a young
man who has just fallen from q scat
folding? We are afraid he is fatally
hurt. Female physician - "Why,
mercy! I couldn't 60 in this dress; be-
side, my back hair is not done up."-
Boston Post.
There is a clergyman in Australia
who charges for the performance Of
the marriage ceremony according to
the weight of the parties-a penny a
pound for the bridegroom and two
pence for the bride. In that parish it
is not an uncommon thing to hear a
young man remark: mo, darling, not
Immediately; you're too fat
eyes, they arc excellent boots" said
the shoe dealer to the young lady pur, ;
''Do you think tho buttons are securely
sewed on?" she asked. 4!Thcy are; the
boots are supplied with the old maids
wedding BUTTON a new invention"
"Why is itscallcd the old maids we'd
ding button?'' because it never
comes off:
What he would say: A married
couple were out promenading in the
suburbs of Austin one day. Presently,
the wife said: ''Think, Albert, if the
brigands should come now and take
me from your impossible, my dear y
but, supposing they aid come and
carry me away, what would You sayp"
Il would say = replied the husband,
s'that tho brigands were new at the
business. That all. "-TeGas Sytings.
Speaking of the difficulty foreign
ers experience in giving the proper ac-
cent to English" said Captain Boil
sum, reminds me of the fact that
when l first came hither, I could not
speak English, yet, you cannot detect
in my conversation a foreign accent"
ITO acquire such perfection must have
taken much time replied a lady.
''Oh, yes, it required years. y "Must
have been young when you came to.
this placep'' Eyes, 1 was very young.
In fact was born here. -Arkaaas0av
1raveler.
A girl ran off with her best young
man and was married to him in a room
in little country hotel. Papa and
mamma arrived in an awful rage, but
just as the ceremony was concluded.
The young lady was not one whit dis
concerted, but hailed her furious pa
rents with the remark: ..Why, this is
just as funny as it could be. Don't
you remember this room? Its the same
one you were married in. and your
family folks came to make q fuss just
as you are doing" Smart girl, for it
was true bill. Toronto M0il.
When Philadelphia father chided
his daughter for allowing a young gem
tleman visitor to kiss her, she replied
with some spirit: II couldn't help it,
pa. After he kissed me the first time
told him to stop it and he didn't
mind me at all" And the next day
when her father brought home a base
ball catcher's mask and told her to-
wear it when her young gentleman
friend called, she was mean enough to
call him a hateful old thing and to de-
clare that if it WASH for the fact that
it would make good hustle she would
smash it to atoms. - hiladelp hia C1bron-
icle.
A kazoo is an instrument invented to
give pleasure and satisfaction to the
small boy. It is q cross between a bag
nine and an accordion with several
new and pleasing features of its own.
1t can make more noise and even less
music than a brass band. It can imi-
tate the warbling of cat or the screech
of a knocking bird. The inventor would
be hanged, drawn, quartered and
burnt, but it is more than likely that
he is kept out of the way in some in
sane ASYLUM. When Won hear. a noise