Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-10-02
WIT AND HUMOR.

L
How gwen for naught her price .esS gift,
How spoiled the bread and spilled the vine,
Which, spent with due, respective thrift,
Had made brutes men, and men divine"
-Ruskin.
An inn in Switzerland announces,
guilelessly: You will find herein ex-
cellent bread. meat and wine, provided
you bring them with you.
Sportiye widowcr-How much better
Ware than Il wife, old Clockey. The
smaller the (hic) hour Il fellow goes
'ome the less noise you make bout it.
Life.
a New York restaurant keeper is
so afraid of Anthony COmstock that he
has taken down his old sign of Frogs
legs and put UP another, ''Amphibian
limbs. =
"What wud Oh want wild q bicyle?"
said the ancient Irishman to the boys
who had been chatting him. "Bedad,
Old rs soon walk afoot as ride afoot. .
-LOlCeU Citizen.
1t is true, generally speaking, that
nothing is impossible with God; but it
is very nearly il not quite impossible for
God to make 4 man so perfect as many
q fellow thinks he is-or rather tries to
make others believe him to be.-B0StO2
Transcript.
4 scarcity of dudes IS reported at
on account of heat The dude is known
by his shirt collar and general idiotic
appearance. On the days when collars
Will not stand up dudes are overlooked.
N o. Picayu12e.
Il never saw such q woman in all
my life, +" said Bass; ''you are never sat
isfed with anything" People who
know the man [ took for q husband,
replied Mrs. B., ''thinl, on the contra
ry, that am very easily satisfied. .
Boston Transcript.
''PIl have to take your leg off, 3"
said 4 surgeon 10 q man who had been
injured in q railway accident. ''Never
mind your chlorofOrm, doctor, " replied
the man. Il was once Governor of Ar
kansaw and can stand anything. y
Ar&uHSU50 Ir0Ueler.
4 Buffalo woman went calling re-
Gently, leaving q servant in charge of
her house On one of her calls she was
surprised to have her ring answered by
her own servant The girl had left
her old situation and found q new one
during her mistress absence.
Happiness and unhappiness are mere
" relative states after all. The kitch-
cn-girl feels aWfully cut up on being
snUbbed by the saleslady; but her sor-
row is Immediately turned to Joy upon
seeing the saleslady snubbed by the
daughter of the retired saloon keeper.
boston Transcript.
She needed rest: Fair patient
''Haye you any idea what is the matter
with me, doctor?' Doctor-''Why, [
can diagnose your case with my eyes
shut. There is nothing the matter with
you except that you need rest Fair
patient. Why, l have just come back
from whole month at the most popu-
[ said, you need rest Philadelphia
Call
An employee on his rounds put some
new CARTONS into an electric lamp on
the Bowery and stood on his ladder
looking ut crack in the globe. A man
who was unsteady on the legs halted
at the foot of the ladder, felt in all his
pockets, found 4 match, held it up tow
ard the other man and said: Here
y'are. Here are what?" inquired
the carbon man. '.Ainsh goin' to light
'er up?" said the other.-AeW York
SuR.
A fun-loving farmers daughter not q
thousand miles from Boston decorated
! bush in the front yard with white egg
shells adroitly fixed on the ends Of the
branches. Result: Pleasure drivers
from neighboring hotel would first
gaze, tnen halt and often alight for i
closer inspection of the curious plant,
which they would describe to their TEL
COW soiourners, who would be sold in
she.- turn on their next drive. -B0Ston
Bulletin.
Speaking of the difficulty foreign
.ers experience in giving the proper ac-
cent TO English" said Captain Boslum,
reminds me that when ! first came
hither could not speak English, yet
you cannot detect in my conversation q
foreign accent" 10 acquire such
perfection must have taken time re-
piled lady. ''Oh, yes; it required
years" Must have been young when
you came. to this placer" Yes, | was
very young. In fact, was horn here. s"
Never have too much to say. A sail
or just arrived from China, offered a
boNtul of carved ivory and ebony arti-
Giles for sale to curiosity dealer. Yes,
they will do; I'll give you a louis for
the lot, says the dealer. "a louis!''
exclaimed the overjoved tar, '.why,
then am rich man? l We got six
thousand of them" "Oh. oh! that's u
different affair. them" said the dealer.
elf you have bought six thousand of
them, | will give you two sous for
them" Exit disappointed tar.
i have a severe bruise on my arm,
doctor. and would like to have YOU give
me something to heal it," said Sam
Simpson. who had always got some
thing the matter with him. .'All
right" said the doctor. hurriedIy writ
ing prescription. Send this to the
apothecary ut once. Don't lose q min
ute's time. Run" Then YOU think
the wound is dangerous?" said the pa