The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1884-01-10
CRUSHING CHRISTIANITY.
The Entire Fabric Demolished by Colonel
IngersOll and Miss Helen IL. Gardner.
New York World.

seats at Chickering Hall with people in them.
The proportion of men to women was ten to one.
In the gallery there were two persons. They
were severe woman of forty-fve, with hard
face and cotton umbrella, and a small man with
a red necktie and tremulous manner, indicat-
ing that he was the woman's husband. Down in
tne second row, in the body of the hall, there
was a stout, red-faced bald-headed, white
mustached man, who keeps "A gambling house up
town. He is known to be deeply interested
in the expatration of the Deity from his own
universe. He is also great practical joker.
He beamed with good humor and leaned upon
the seat in front of him, and looked round at in
tervals as if in triumph at the approaching vim
dication of reason. just behind him was
daverous man with long black hair, beak nose.
and bitter black eyes, who IS known to have in
vented a god of his own, but could never get
patent for it, On the other side of the hall there
eminent disciple of August Compile who
has been working for twelve years to establish
the religion of humanity in New York. He wore
a sad disappointed air. Between these eminent
personages were number of vascular keepers
of livery stables who in the intervals of business
lay out Moses and roast the orthodox church in
the highest style of humor few sharp visaged
women. q SpflnKung OF young men, mere ana
there mechanic who tinctured with the
st Simonism of the English Radicals, and the
usual assortment of blank faced fellows who
visit every new thing and laugh at it.
A few minutes past o'clock and Mr..
Bob Ingersoll, with a sunset face shedding red
bengnty upon a glacier of shirt front. came
down the platform and in his slow and dulcet
utterance informed the collection of people that
he didn't know anything about the hereafter or
God or heaven, and that he wouldn't allow that
the bald-headed humOrist turned round his eyes
bullying with mad delight, and began to applaud.
Mr.. Ingersoll preserved d most admirable
compOsure and even showed a little degree Of
pride in what he did not know, which was quite
allowable seeing that he is the only man
in the country whose ignorance of Il subject
was ever deemed a special qualification for lee
turing upon it. Having expressed his entire lg
norance of the destiny of man, he went on to say
that he believed in woman having the same right
as himself to talk about those things of which
she knows nothing. He then threw in one of his
floral chaplets of doubts. He didn't know
whether death was soaring of pinions or a
folding of them forever. And this was beau
tiful that of the livery stable keepers turned
round and grasped his fellow by the hand and
wrung it. A chord had been touched. Mr. In
gersoll then introduced Miss Helen II. Gardner
and sat down in large armchair and rested his
head ON his hand with the intent air of man
who had never heard a word of Helens lecture
before.
Miss Helen H. Gardner is little dark eyed,
somewhat angular and unpretentious woman,
probably thirty years of age. Her thin face has
a pinched and querulous expression. Her shout
ders are narrow and square. She is intensely
selfcOnsciOus, rigid and immObile. Her voice is
as thin as her face and almost as thin as her
humor, but it is sharp enough to be distinct. al
though she never uses it like Il public speaker
and is wholly deficient in all the graces of elocu-
ton. She was dressed in plain black and read
her manuscript from music-stand with the
composure of young lady graduate on COM
menccment day.
The essay postulated the interesting fact that
all religions must be brought to the test of hui
man reason. And if they would not bear that
test they must go. She then gave her hearers
to understand that she had brought the religion
of the Bible to that test, and that it would have
to go as soon as she got through with it The
bald-headed man seemed to think that all that
was needed in this world to determine the Divine
authority of the Bible was Miss Helen Gardners
reason, for he snorted approvingly. The general
impression i'll his immediate vicinity was that
both he and the world had been waiting 5000
years for Helen Gardner to speak up and decide
whether God should go or not
Having laid down her premises, the lecturer
then proceeded to prove incontestably that the
Bible was not inspired by quoting detached
verses from Numbers and Leviticus, which
showed that the God of the Hebrews had not
regulated the ceremonial laws of the half bar
barians he had to deal with, according to the adj
vanced notions of the agnostic philosophers of
the nineteenth century.
The special iniquity of the Deity was that He
did not lay down Il law Of marriage and divorce
that those old world builders could not comple-
bend much less obey. Not having done this
Miss Helen Gardner abolished Him then and
there, and Mr. Bob Ingersoll nodded acquies-
Gently. t':
Having summarily disposed of the Almighty
for having neglected the rights of women, she
came down to the new dispensaton. and ar
raigned Jesus Christ for want of gallantry and
politeness to women 81 cannot believe" she
remarked, that Jesus Christ inspired work
that insults womans purity and is "A rivet to her
chain of slavery to man" loud applause from
the severe woman in the gallery, aided by her
husband.)
God, she said, would seem TO hold no commu-
nication with women unless her male relatives
approve. loud applause from the severe wOm-
ans husband which was suppreSSed.l
As for Moses, on whose veracity the whole
Christian structure rests it is about time that
he was given a rest" He ought to retire from
active service He should he coaxed to resign.
(Convulsive laughter from the ivery-stable de
partment.) AS for David. the more wives he
got the nearer he got to God. Frantic applause
from the bald headed gambler. who made note
of the archaeological remark to use in his own
hall)
Miss Gardeners contempt for Jesus was unmis-
taxable, and it was all founded on his want of
etiquette is saying to his mother Il must be
about my Fathers business. This fatal de-
feet in the NaZarene's character and system of
morality had never been pointed out before 1t
was evidently thought by the cadaverous man
to be fatal and final blow, for he looked round
with triumphant hatred, and his hooked nose
seemed in danger of fastening upon gentleman
who sat near him.
Miss GARDENERS humor was dainty and
swervable She referred to Nebuchadnezzars
eating grass with delight. and wanted to know
how he could do it when in our day the grass
eaters have TO have two stomachs, at least She
had "A fine ShV at Samson and his law bone In
fact she fingered on the iaw-bone with unmis-
taxable relish She spoke with admiration of the
durability of that jaw bone, pictured the mistake
modern nations had made in their costly arma-
ments when simple jaw bones could do such exc
cution. Then she got down to the mules hind
legs, and she wrmg all The changes on that
Western theme until the livery contingent had
to hold themselves in their seats.
During this hilarious exposition of the hollow
ness of the Christian religion Mr.. Bob Ingersoll
n..,-.;... .