, 1884-09-26
CRANKY BOARDERS.
What the "Pet Boarder" Says in a
Confidential Way.
Hot and Cold Water Cranks-Peopls
without Tdiosyncrasie- on Food
Aner-Dinner PnI-TakIng-
The Landiady.

Detroit Free PresAl
Its all very well" said the landlady OF a
ia hionalle and successful boarding house up
town, -for you Newspaper IeJple to get Oh
stab jokes on the b~oardlng-house proprietor.
but why don't you COX into the family a lit
tie. You could nd plenty OF good material
there an it would give tie poor, tired land
lady "A les
That's -. said the pet b%oarier," tucking
the trusts under the caster when the 1 md
lazy s lack WAS turned. They ARE all cranIx
here ex epting me. / wish you would take
2 @ whole tribe and write ,em up-Rrite 'ein
rr' You mustn't say anything about me, 10
~nps III give you the points-tIn states
evidence s-ir were. Herr. waiter. 'siuore toast
a d 'nother cup Of green tea Sayl So that
big man Mt the end q the tnb e-thinks he
Tools ka tie prince II Wales, Duke Alexi
AM T. few Other I reign popentatea. Well, hos
the head crank-he's tic eh onic tole-sed
case. and he gets wDrse every day. Land sdy
eneou ase- i'm. a. 10 ant cat and talk at
tie iams time. and II tue boarders viii only
Luz IA al him b doesn't care for food
a his jokes %originali7
HOh yss. at leas. t log were one: lie tire
boys p cry, you know; when his father
asked him II It WINS oil inal, he
aid 10 guessed 30, as IL had orig
NAL write over it in tfS book be
I ok it II IN Don't kill MIN on sight
but TIL is his latest conuDdrum: why Ia this
In before me like Barnum's circusr Give 1t
upi It's a lonesome thing, but here it Isl;
Because IL makes u grand entree.' He
prings them on the new boarder with
out mercy. What Is clearinghouse
hashf Nobody seems to know. It's a conun-
'ln'm,' he answers soIem y End after a long
wre tie they tumble enc 10y NJ
Herr tie pet boar er VIVID the toast
aside.
why don't you eat you toast after order
ing itia
~siy friend. can you nski 1t Is a shade
darker thf n the regu ar color; It offends my
artistic Pm e it will serve to thicken the soup
to-mcrrow. In the o onomy of boar ling
hou'e nature nothing Is lost. Have you OBJ
served ths hot water crankfn
That was q woman; she was slipping n cup
Of TO-. 81 aiming water, taking II by spoon
fuls with c. d eyes and evidently enjoying
tie process immensely.
Look at her" faid the pet boarder AFRO
gantly. when she sets down she SAYS,
Wal Or. don't forget the hot wafer.' She
leers the whole table In hot watts II she
doesn't get it. She takes f. for In
digestion and Is regularly Fe'ting
worse. Lock at that p%ensive looking
man aero 5 the tai le. He's the cold water
crank. There's iust one waiter Tint can suit
HIM aft,r feversl trials This one brings him
a x blet Of cold water. The crank looks
ihrou h IL. holding It up TO III light Then
le tai a fork and srears round In II. hands
it back to tn wal e., and say FIRING me
cont c can water; IN res something in that
The waiter goes out one door and in the
other, and puts down the $ me goblet O:
water. This Is all right says the cola
water rank and drinks a cheering draugh'.
Eut tie worst OF the water cranks
Is the one that drinks boiled water, or
water that has been &c lded to kill the ami
malculse and other things swimming Mt
large No cholera In this, he says cheerfully
as he swallows 1t, fondly imagining thai it
has been toiled. cooled, and iced. for his
especial stomach, whereas it comes out Of the
same tank with the rest of the wAfer4n
"But have you no people fene who are
without i'iosyncresies on the subject Of
foodr' asked the recording angel, sadly.
@Lots Of them" said the pet boarder twist
ing u table napkin into a hard ropa SBut
they are regarded as the worst cranks in the
lot. They keep provisions in their rooms
and eat on the sly. They xpylay the cook
and end out tie bill of fare in advance. so as
not to choke with surprise when there's chicken
instead Of round steak They never com
plain. 10 as TO he solid with tie l~andlndy, but
she Is too good q Judge OF human nature "a
swallow all their sweetness. But l mus
te ! y u about the medicine crank who takes
after inner pills"
aYou don't mean TO say that there ara poo
pie who tax a pill at table. Why, Emerson
says-n
SWho "a Emei<onf Where does no hoard
When q man gets to be a chronic boarder. he
Ia ca able Of taking pills almost anywhere.
But / do insist that he ought to take them in
a quiet. gentlemanly way. and not call the at
tentinn of the whole table TO the fact Our
pill-taker Is n homeopathic aud takes sugar In
his. 30 we don't mind II very much Another
character In our family Is the wish-bone
crank.
" almost drerd 10 hRve chicken dey come,
There IL only one wish-hone to a chicken, and
when you get only the wing and the end Of
the srinal column. how can you be expected
IN have n wish-bonei But that gushing girl
NJ 70 wants ore TO put over her parlor door,
as the rRt man 10 pass under Il will Ger,
tninly he the l-onr-expected lover
HAnd Row does the landlady get along with
al tbnSo peorle."
Isle trra.s them oil like spoiled childrrn.
You SEQ she hoarded for fifteen years and
knows now II Is You couldn't drive any OF
them ewny with "A club. But just take II mar
and set rim down Mt one table between
two other people every day OF his life and
he's bound TO be n rrank-he rant help It,
he cam scold his wife. or slap tho baby oi
kiss the servnnt girl. or do any Of these little
domestic th'ngSthnt Hre the endearments uf
home life: he ia on guard all the time, only
his weapons arr the knife and fork instead
NJ the musket I should I've n crank uvaali
II / allowed nnv habits 70 get hold Of me,
Here. wni-er' how often have I told yoi
never r. bring me frel hrend-ruin- the di
gestion. We'll. well Il takes all rorts Of
queer peorl, tn make M, n world. lin glad
amt ono NJ theinfr