Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1884-07-17
Wit and Humor.

q cost of about Sl5O,0OO.
wit and HumOr.
He: "In America, you know, we have
no standing army" What are they
all mounted?"
"What is wanted in this country" said
the bride, as she examined the wedding
presents, sis silver service reform; that
set is plated"
Alittle girl of 3 explains the golden
rule to her sister: 1t means you must
do everything 1 want you to, and you
mustn't do anything I don't want you
to-"
eyes," sighed broken-down man,
who had given his signature to oblige a
friend, 'the most foolish thing 1 ever
did in my life was to learn to write my
own name"
eyes, Mrs. Veraphine is very highly
cultured lady. don't think / ever
knew her to express satisfaction with
anything she ever saw. Nothing comes
up to her nigh standard"
In Iceland the nights are six months
long, and when young man hears his
girls father go down and whangs the fur
mace at about half-past ten weeks, he be-
gins to think 1t is about time to go.
'tJohnie," said the editor to his hope
full, are you in the first class at school%
"NO," replied the youngster, who had
studied the paternal sheet, 81 am regis
tered as second-class male matter"
A Georgia man has built a house over
hailstone which recently fell on his
farm, and has Summers supply of ice.
Oleomargarine is meeting with attacks
everywhere. 1t must learn to suffer. 1t
learned to be strong long ago.
Genius" said Anthony Trollope to DR..
Donald Mcleod one day, " is but another
name fer the length of time man can
sit"
A Dakota farmer says that the only
thing cyclone cannot lift from farm is
the mortgage.
Queen Victoria is the richest woman
in the world and growing richer. What
picnic her children and poor relations
will have spending it.
Professor 'Mr. jackson do you know
the lnonistic theory of the universe?"
"Why don't you tell me them" Mr.. j.
"Well you see, there is no telling what
know" professor dismisses the class
"How fresh and green everything
looks" murmured Claribel, as they wan
questioned Adolphus, looking down into
her violet eyes. Eyes, everything" she
replied, abstractedly. He wanders with
another girl now.
Helm what respect does billiards
change my usual dispositionW She
(naively)-"Does it change your DISPOSE
tion?" He-"Yes; in billiards 1 never
kiss if l can help it, whereas ordinarily
=" She-"You never kiss if anybody
else can help it."
Pension Agent-"On what grounds do
you demand a pension?" Veteran-"I
lost an arm in the service" Pension
Agent-"Losta an arm! Why, man, you've
got two armsw Veteran-"Oh, don't
mean these. The arm lost was of the
Springfield pattern"
Moses, the fat girls widower, is max
ing love to the armless woman in Balti-
more. Now he is coming to his senses.
An armless woman cannot keep a man
lodging household bric-a- brac duriDghis
waking hours. However, she may poss-
ess kicking proficiency sufficient to keep
up her end Of the house.
There died few days ago in England
woman named Sutton, native of Ire
land, who was master of Greek, Latin,
French, Italian, Hebrew, Arabic and
Chaldaic Just think how a woman
with all those languages at her command
would address the congregation on a
wash day when the kitchen chimney
wouldn't draw.
The young man at South Yonkers who
spent five regular-sized hours with his
"best grip on a recent Sunday night and
never offered to kiss her "red, red
| cheeks" gave as an excuse that he had
seen placard on the stoop as he came
| in, which warned visitors to beware
of the paint. He was cautious young
man.
! Scientists say that the reason kissing
! is so pleasant is because the teeth, Jaw
bones and lips are full of nerves, and
when the lips meet an electric current is
generated. We are glad to be set right
! in this matter. Heretofore we have sup
count of pretty girl being at the other
end of it.
Brute-FWell, Ethel, how did you
make cut?" Angel (under treatment for
her yoice)-'I didn't like it at all, and I
don't see why the doctor finds it neces-
sary to run an instrument down my
throat so far far that it seems as if he
would touch my heart" Brute-"Oh,
he was probably trying to find the end
ofyour tongue, my dear!"
A Sunday school teacher, says an ex-
! change, had grown eloquent in pictur-
ing to his little pupils the beauties of
! heaven, and he finally asked: What
kind of little boys go to heaven" A
lively little four old boy with kicking
boots. fourished his fist. "Well, you may
/ answer" said his teacher. Dead onesP'
shouted the little fellow at the extent OF
his lungs.
/ A drunken mans guiding star is very
often worn on the lapel of policeman's
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