The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1884-03-22
Some "reminiscences Of Artemus Ward.

Dut VI Tue PROGRAMMES Judt .ATloluuS
" ard used to furnish to those who at
tended his lecture among the Nor
mons" Does anybody know what be-
came of the panorama upon which he
held forth? 1t went with him to En-
gland, but since his death has never
been heard Of. Here is the programme:
PROFOUNDLY Artemus Ward.-Professedy
to introduce the subject. but really togive the
accomplished crankist time to unroll the first
picture.
THE STEAMSHIP ARIEL AT SEA.-Out on the
Briny. The sea rough. Passengers unable to
remain inside their stateroomS or outside
their victuals. An immense sca-Scrpent in
our wake, anotherin our sleep. Land HOLM
The hoe is now in Artemus Ward possession.
Isthmus of Panama. Interesting interview
with old Panama himself, who makes all the
hats.
Old Pan is likely sort of man.
III.
MONTGOMERY STREET, SAN FRANCIsco-
Life and things in Ell Dorado.-The Chinese
Drama-Light Celestial Comedy. in seven
hundred and two acts; by Chinese gentle
man of this city, Good quarters to be found
here.
Playful population, fond of hlgh-low Jack
and homicide.
VIRGINIA CITY.-A wild place. Game
ing prevalent in consequence.-Everym man
carries revolver and every other man two.
Silver mines.-The treasure carefully guard.
ed, each proprietor keeping a silver waUcn.
THE GREAT DEsERr.-A dreary waste OF
sand-a perfectly shameful waste, in fact
They ought to save it.
VI.
BIRD s-EYE VIEW OF GREAT SALT LAKH
CITY-A rather pretty picture, with some en-.
tirely serious descriptive talk.
VII.
MAIN STREET, WEST SIDE.-This being a
| view of Main Street, west side is naturally a
view of the west side of Main Street.
VIII.
MAIN STREET, EAST SrDEGThe Salt Lake
| House. Lots of salt in this house-salt eel
| lars, in fact a temperance hOtel-nOthIhg
| stronger sold than butter which was rather
| strengthy when A. W. was there. Guests are
| requested to turn Off the candles before re-
| firing at night. Washing not allowed in
rooms You must go out on the porch and
wash with cast-irOn soap, though they call it
| caSt-steei.
| THE MORMON observation-disclosures as thea
| ter-goers. Effects of the Drama on their man
| ners, etc. It accounts for the way they act.
| Also, for their calling a certain place the
| "Bottomless Parquette."
| XI.
BRIGHAM YOUNG's HAREM-One of the
most interesting places in Utah, especially to
| Brigham Young. Two dwelling houses and a
| school house. In the latter addition is illus
| trated by Brighams wives, and multiplication
| by his children. The pretty girls in Utah
mostly marry Young.
| HERBER C. KIMBALLS HAREM.-Mr. Kimball
| has great many wives, who are very dear to
him; much more expensive than a less mum
| Der would be; he is one of the most numerous
| parents in Utah. Seventy-siX MOrmOnesseS
| share Mr.. Kimballs lot. We do not know how
many acres there are in this lot, but there
| ,,,-l,A hp LOT of for mol, a LOT pf
| wives, who, should they follow the saline eX-
| ample of Lots wife, will make Salt Lake City
| salt indeed. On being tenderly condOled with
| on the death of one of his wives Mr.. Kimball
said: 80, never mind. I've got plenty more
| of 'em at home"
| XIII.
| THE TABERNACLE.-This is the great Nor
| mon Westinghouse. The Elders and Young
| ers "preach" here. Brass Band is at one
end of the building and the Pulpit at the
| other. Thus there is Brass at both ends. The
| Mormon sisters sit by themselves, in the mid
| die of the house. Rows by any other name
| wouldn't be as sweet.
| THE GREAT SALT LAKE.-Curious body of
| water-AnalyBation proves it to contain q
| large number of old salts. No fish can live in
it except salt Goldfish, mackerel and red her.
| rings. There are mermaids there, though
| they have Salt Rheums. Injuns live on the
| bank of this lake. Little Injuns seen in the
distance trundling their war-whoops.
| XVI.
THE ENDOWMENT HoUsE.--In this building
| the Mormon is instructed into the mysterious
rites-and wrongs-of his faith.
| XVII
THE DESERT AGAIN.-Handsomer than the
| first view. 1t doesn't 'howl' as much. In
dams on the war-path. "Methnks see war
whoopH Hal redmen, "Would'st scalp 9
| LECTURER IN. b. They wOuldst.)
| ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
| Saccharssa-"I have no home; where shall
| / goY'' If you want Home, Sweet Home,
| YOU had better go on a sugar plantation.
| Matilda 81 have nufnvtnn r.
| tendency, even on trivial occasions, to shed
| tears. How can | prevent it," Lock up the
| shed.
Travcler-"How long was Artemus Ward il
| California;" Five feet ten-and-a-half.
Speculator.-"Is petroleum frequent il
caves?" No; but caves are frequent in
| petroleum.
RULES OF THIS HOUSE.
Children in arms not admitted, if the arms
| are loaded.
Children under one year of age are not ad
| mitted unless accompanied by their parent;
| or guardians.
Ladies or gentlemen will please report any
| negligence or disobedience on the part Of the
| lecturer
| Artemus Ward will not be responsible 70,
| money, iewclry, or other valuableS, unless
| left with hiln--to be returned in a week or so
| Persons who think they will enjoy them
| selves more by leaving the hall early in the
| evening, are requested TO do as with so little
| noise as possible.
1t is doubtful if more fun was ever
| crowded into the same space-or dc
YOU happen to know a current humor-
list that could write a funnier one? ]
well remember the first time | heard
him. He appeared on the stage look
ing crest-fallen and with face turned
toward the door at which he entered.
'The gentleman who was to have in
troduced me seems to have absented
| himself;n then, after hesitating pause,
he added, IL am Artemus Ward, the
lecturer of the evening" 1t was diff
cult to believe there was much music in
this serious-faced young gentleman.
But what roars of laughter he pro.
yoked! There was joke in his lecture
which, once good, had been rendered
absolutely pointless by some event that
had happened. He carefully repeated
the joke, while every one in the audi.
ence was saying to himself, ''You might
much better have omitted chat, Arte-
mus" The joke uttered, the joker
paused, distressed look passed over
his face, and he observed in frank,
pathetic way, "That little anecdote Of
mine isn'tas good as it was" The Of
feet was irresistible. OF the countless
good stories attributed to him the hest
to my mind is the one which tells of the
advice he gave to Southern railroad
conductor soon after the war. The
road was in q wretched condition, and