The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1884-10-09
NAsBY.
Mr.. Nasty Goes to New York to Recaive
Instructions for q Stamping Tour
His Attempt and Failure.
Toledo Blade.l
CONFEDERATE X ROADS
witch is In the State NV Kentuckyl. 7

witch is in the State NV Kentuckyl.
Sept Is. 1854.
Committee to come to Moo York TO reserve In
strukshens for stumpin toor to okkepy the
time from now till Nov. /. witch gladly obeyed.
] never hesitate to respond TO call NV this kind.
j git my transportation from here to Moo York,
witch is cheeper than Twin at home. for the COM
nifty send me money for meels. and ez i sleep
most NV the time on the way. to escape the
monotony NV travel. don't RELY need the hk-
ker witch IL nessary at home, and then when 1
run nv the saloons In the Sixth Ward. Tho the
likker Is unusually bad Their Is enun NV IL, witch
Is some consolashen.
wuz invited mp to the committy rooms. and
wuz met by the Chairman, the crate Barnum
hisself.
Where shell we send Mr.. Nasby?- said he to
The Secretary onfolded map NV the United
States witch wuz marked all over In seckshuns.
i shood start him In Western Pennsylvany,
replied the Secretary. We need much work
there"
Very good" sed Mr. Barnum, "yoo will com
mence work in Pttsburg. Here Is the synopsis
NV the speech 700 will make there, and 700 VIII
need to study IL keerfully ez TO make no
mistakes. 700 will observe that in Pfttsburg
the cotashuns 700 make are from Randalls
speeches on the tariff. witch goes to prove that
the Dimocrisy are pledged TO Perteckshun. solid
Devote your time and energies solely to this
pint. 700 may, however. In Pittsburg, de-
nounse the tariff on wool, claimin IL enhances
the cost NV clothin NV the Workman, but IN
sist that the tariff onto iron must and shell be
hIbishn, and act accordingly, When 700 find
a Republican Prohibitionist urge him to re-
main true to his principles and vote for st.
John by all means; but when 700 run agin
Demokratic Prohibitionist, show him the folly
| NV THROWN away his vote on man that cant
be electid."
And took the synopsis NV the Pittsburg speech.
From Pittsburgh 700 will perceed over into
Ohio. warn you that you must keep sober In
Ohio, and must yoose discreshun and cawshun:
In the iron deestriks the Pittsburgh speech will
| do. But remember this: when VOC git into the
agricultural seckshuns You must study this
other speech. HE handtd me another manoo-
| script In this one Dimocrisy is pledged to
| free trade, With few excepshuns. Thus, when
700 are in the grain counties In the interior,
must insist that the tariff onto wool shell sbe
maintained; and also when 700 are up In the
grape region insist that the tariff on wine shell
not be disturbed. When 700 cross the lines into
| seckshuns where Their amt no manufactui1n,
700 must argoo that free trade Is the only safe
! guard the people hev agin monopoly. And
| Kin 700 tell me the counties wher must talk
tariff on wool and wine. and the counties where
mustn't? 1t wood be okkurd to git mixed on
| these things"
Mr. Barnum perdoosed a map with lines drawn
Certainly. We hev maps prepared for the
| yoose NV all our speakers These counties on
/ the line NV the lake witch Is colored purple are
| wine counties. and wher ther is white lines
drawd thro there is wool ez well ez wine Wher
there Is black cross onto EN- Their Is manufak-
tiers ez well eZ wine and wool. In SIGH counties
700 must urge q pertective tariff onto every
thing In the counties marked wine excloos-
lively the perteckshun must be confined to wine
alone, and likewise in the pure wool counties TO
| wool alone.
Sometimes Their is wine in part NV a county
| and sometimes wool only In part NV county,
Great Scottl- exclaimed, but 1 cant do
this i can't hev a dozen speeches prepared
How am / to perceed with SIGH mixed up
| mess?"
The process is simple, though great care
must be observed. On arrvin at al appint-
ment VOC must take out the map and see wher
700 are Then on arrivin at yer hotel select
from yer valise-the committy will furnish 700
| valise in witch to keep yer eileen shirts
The committy will likewise hev to furnish
the eileen sh rts or Their will be no yoose fur the
valise, onless Ii Is to keep the manuscripts, wich
Nv itself, will rekwire very large one.
We shell furnish the vaise and the eileen
| shirts. We hev to do this with all our speakers,
| ceptin SIGH ez Carl Shurts, witch we pay regar
prices to per mite, fur speekin fur Cleveland and
| Reform. BY the time 700 hev filed these APP
pintments we will send 700 another route, and
| so on till November. when we hope victry will
hev crowned our efforts, and 700 shell retire
to yoor Postofiis at the Cross Roads the follerin
March"
Mr.. Barnum gave me money and transporta-
shen to Pittsburg, and departed happy. felt
good wunst more to hev a dollar in my pokkit,
and not to feer the approach NV the condukter.
hev bin droppt of the hind eend NV francs
| so many times that IL Is monotonous. One kin
git thru the kentry by bein kicked Oft one
trane and waitin for the next to come, only to
be kicked Off that, but it is warm onto the sect
NV the trousis.
1t wuz unforchuit vsncher wuz onlucky
enuff to git into the city in the mornin and re-
Sas .n to sf S cG%Ry to TAKE take sasS
Xieh 1AsS R9t the Spartan frmnfs to fefoo,e.
One drink led Y S9thSs I,rt fur the active
NV Sed n IL psd o ana by the
platform wuz fuller than cote. 1 opened up
my vaise and commenced my speech. When
aiS E drunk
time? Indeed I did not Their cum up from
that awtence such a storm Nv imprecashuns,
SIGH a howl nv derishun, SIGH a mingling NV
profanity ez never wuZ heerd. sposed it WIZ
Their way Nv applaudn, and went on, smilin.
till passed. nv EN- rushed up on the platform
and histed me OF, and hustled me out into the
| street.
The next morning seed it all. he'd, in my
intoxicashen, taken my free-trade speech out
NV the valise, and was firm that off at Pitts
burg awjence, every man NV witch wuz a iron
manoocfakter.
Like a drunken ass. / wuz demonstratin to a
| awjehce Nv workers In iron that tariff on iron
wuz wuss nor highway robbery, and doin it un-
der the authority, OF the Dimokratic Nashnel
Sentrel Committv!
1t wuz a mercy that Iwuzn't killed ON the
spot.
Mr.. Barnum heerd NV it, and to-wunst Of
fered me to either take an oath never to fetch
lkker agin or perceed home. He writ thus:
I'm a campane like ours. witch is mixed, abso-
loot sobriety is essenshel to prevent mistakes.
| A man with likker in him cannot be trusted to
| carry about IL different speeches, adapted to
the wants of IL different sets NV opinyuns. No
man can be Dimekratic campane speaker this
yeer witch cannot be trusted to take the right
| speech out NV his valise."
| Nv course / can't travel, or, fur that matter,
stay at home, without my regler supplies, and
| 80 resined. Better occashnel drinks at Bas-
CONS than none at all on the road. Reger
eatin is suthin, but regler drinks is more nes-
sary.
i hope to get an appointment TO speek in one
4 QxGhn ayha nnA will httt
| will take no more mixed chances.
| PETROLEUM V. Massey
Victim NV Appetite.
/ m