Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-06-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

Quick! hand me the jewel, or else you shall
Said the robber. with ftercely flashing eye.
II can't said the aiy, with smiling repose,
The carbnncle's faSt---on my husband S
nose.
Sweet are the uses of adversely, but
most people prefer sugar.
The new society wrinkle THAI is
pronounced success: Pronunciation
matches.
Culture: Parlor-maid (to Buttons)-
You vulgar boy! You should never
say AK You should say 'harskr -
London Patach.
A western journal says it is not able
to see why saloon should have more
influence than q shoemaKer's shop.
Why don't you take to loafing ground
in the other cobbler's shop and find
out?
In portions of Mexico men, women
and children smoke cigarettes. That
is one of the few countries where =
man can enjoy smoke without having
his wife lecture him for spending so
much for tobacco.
George w. Gable, the novelist. is
called a Meissonier of words by n Chi
cago paper. The Chicago paper doesn't
know what that means, but is confident
that it is a tone above any idea ever
grasped by St. Louis journalist
Orleans Picayaen.
A widow committed suicide in Bos-
ton the other day, and the last simple
and touching words which she penned
were, Il have taken p. c." Poor
janet remarked her sorrowing hus-
band when he heard the sad news,
green always was her color, and she
just dotted on Paris. -
1t doesn't make any difference when
woman visiting 4 lady friend jumps
up off her chair and says, ''Oh, dear
me, [ must 90; left the children all
alone" and throws on her bonnet and
shawl; that doesn't prevent her from
stopping out in the cold at the front
door and talking half an hour with the
lady OF the house.
Eleven thousand dollars worth of
ink was used by the postoffice depart
ment last year in stamping and cancel
ling letters. An economically-dispos
person Things that if the government
would permit cancelled stamps to be
reused, much of this expense might be
saved; but the government never did
90 very strong on economy. Norris
torn Herald.
The pith of the Edmunds Mormon
law is that, if man has more than
one wife he shall not be allowed to
vote. 1t is doubtful if such disfran-
chisement can stand. Double marriage,
by the way, carries its own punishment
with it. A better way would be to let
all the wives vote for handsome gen
tiles. That would soon knock the bot
tom out of Mormonism
Irving, in his farewell address at the
Star Theater, New York, said Ellen
Terry "by her fireside will often tell
of the kindness she received from the
American people" whereupon the
practical Springfield Republican is re-
minded of Macaulay's Lay of Hora-
tius," and fancies how oft
With weeping and laughter,
Still is the story told
How well Miss Terry stirred the Yanks
And got their gracious god.
Several gentlemen from different
states were discussing the merits of
their particular homes. kansas is
great state. We raise sixty bushels of
corn and two hundred bushels of pota-
toes to the acre. said man from Kan
sas. But have you Kansas people
any market for your produce?3 asked
man from Connecticut. Certainly
they have" responded an envious
Texan. They raise enough grasshop-
pers and potato-bugs to eat up ten
times the corn and potatoes they can
raise.
Fame is an uncertain possession. A
gentleman well known in the literary
world was presented to a lady the other
evening ut fashionable gathering.
'Tour name seems very familiar"
remarked the young lady. Perhaps"
intimated the friend who had made the
presentation, ''you have seen it in
print" Perhaps l have" replied the
lady, plaintively, ''but thought must
have seen it on sign; am so forget
full" Tableau! during which the gentle
men exchanged explosive andreproach-
full chances, and the lady looked
wanderingly at both.
The performances of the locomotive
tized on western railroad. Seven
whistles are to indicate down brakes"
thirty-two whistles, ''up brakes;'' forty
whistles and two snorts, a ''back-up."
The instructions add: 'In case OF
doubt, whistle like the DIP ut the
street crossings, whistle considera-
bly," Again. Always whistle before
dinner Require the fireman to keep
the whistle valve open during dinner,
After dinner, whistle and squirt water,
then back up. Then 60 ahead with .
whistle, squirt and q ring.
Some husbands are too solicitous
about the health of their wives While
walking on Austin avenue Mrs. Duzen-
bury stopped in front of the show win
dow of a millinery store and exclaim-
ed: What q beautiful assortment of
hats!'' Come on, quick, Louisa. You
will catch cold and die if you stand still
on that grating after you have been
II =