Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1884-02-23
HERE AND THERE.
THE MISSING Ii,

THE MISSING LINZ.
A lady fair, of lineage high,.
Was loved BY an ape in the days gone by
The maid was radiant as the sun,
The ape was most unsgntly one
So il would not do
His scheme fell through.
For the maid, when his love took formal shape,
Expressed such terror,
At his monstrous error,
That he stammered an apology and made MS scape,
The picture Of a disconnected ape.
With a view TO rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles and he locked his tail,
He grew mustachios and he took his tub,
And he paid guinea to q toilet club
But it would not do
The scheme fell through,
For the maid was Beauty's Queen,
With golden treSes,
Like real prncess's,
While the ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest ape that ever was SEEN
He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots
And to start his life on brand new plan,
He christened himself DArwinian Man
But it would not do
The scheme fell through,
For the maiden fair, whom the monkey craved,
Was radiant Being.
With brain far-seeirg,
While shaved monkee, though behaved,
At best is only monkee shaved.
Ice cream in the form of the Bartholdi
statue is the latest. Serve cold without
pedestal Il Philadelphia Call.
Mrs. Alexander Hamilton is credited
with being the first to introduce ice cream
into American history. We rather sur.
missed there was woman at the bottom OF
it Yonkers Statesman.
"Can brutes talk p was the question
under debate. al should say they could,
my husband talks, ;" was the answer given
by Flatbush woman who owns no plush
or fur mantle.-[New York Commercial
Advertiser.
Louisville hospitals furnish an individ.
ual whose heart has gradually been moving
downward till its beating can be plainly
felt in the main abdomen. Louisville is
behind the times. Sam Ward located a
Congressman's heart in his stomach twenty
years ago.-[World.
A sentimental writer asks: What is
more cunning than babys hand ?" Well,
four kings and an ace are ninety.nine per
cent. more cunning, and rakes IN the pot
nearly every time. This may not be the
right answer, but it will do to bet on
brakes Travellers Magazine.
According to a decision of German
Courts, the manufacturer has to provide
safety spectacles for the protection OF his
employees if their work is injurious to the
eyes. Hny neglect or violation of this
will make the employer responsible for the
damages done to the health of his laborers.
A railway exchange says: The engines
that run the fast trains on the Pennsylva-
MIA Railroad reach their highest speed
within three miles of a starting point,
where the conditions will permit; and a
locomotive that cannot attain speed of
mile a minute within four miles cannot |
handle the train properly, and need not be
to make fast average running |
time.
If you Will let me take your stick of |
candy I'll show you how can swallow it |
and make it come out of my ear" The |
candy was delivered. The young magician |
ate it. Then for the space of |
two minutes he threw himself into violent |
contortions. The candy failing to appear,
he said to the expectant spectator, with an |
air of great disappointment, 81 believe I've |
forgotten the rest"
"Yes," said the noted detective, 81 |
have seen great many queer things in my |
experience" Discovered good many |
gigantic frauds, suppose ?" ventured an
admirer. "Well, 1 should So, was the |
reply but, batween you and 1, the most |
complete piece of deception ever saw was
a woman, young and pretty, and 1 would |
have sworn she was an angel" But she |
wasn't?" should say not. She has |
temper like a whirlwind, and when she
gets mad the very earth seems to shake"
" Good gracious And how did you man.
age to get down to her true character ?" |
" Well, I-ahem-the fact is, l married |
her. "-[ Philadelphia Call.