Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1884-11-06
WIT AND HUNIOR.

The next morning she was Just hve
minutes late for breakfast-Nev York
Tribune.
Mrs. B-"Are you not going to cele-
brate your wooden weddinga" Mrs.
c. mo; my first wedding was a
wooden one" Mrs.-'Oh, it could
not be, you know" Mrs. Cit was.
/ married blockhead."
MAY the young couple enjoy all the
happiness and escape all the miseries
of matrimony," is the way Western
editor ends up marriage notice. 1t
Is safe to assume that he did not take
that copy home to his wife.
1t is announced that Spanish dances
are coming into fashion. Young
Sprucey, whose girls father made him
"walk Spanish" the other night, says
the step is too sudden and forced to
become popular.-Norristoson Herald.
A lady in Fonda. N. Y. who is 92
years old, is just learning to play the
piano. She says that woman who
can't play some sort OF an,instrument
nowadays stands pretty poor chance
of getting married. = Darlington Free
Press. - 3
In London there is school in which
monkeys are taught the English Ian
guage from blocks on which the letters
are printed. Next thing we know an
effort will be made to import instruc-
ton to the American dude.-Norris-
to,0n Herald.
A New York paper makes big fuss
about calf with human head. That's
nothing; we have hundreds of them
right here in this city. They wear
clothes just like men, and generally
stand on corners and ogle the girls
Baltimore Day. e:Rps8
e 1t is getting fashionable for ladies to
wear fruits instead of flowers. The
Chicago girl who went to fancy ball
recently with large watermelon snug
ly ensconced in each of her slipper
bows was voted to be the queen OF the
ion.-Buriingtoa Free. Press.
They were disputing about something
or other. when Mrs. Fogg impatieqdy'
exclaimed: 20, well, sir. you ~
your way. You always were AE
horse" ..Yes. my dear, repK
Fogg, land an off horse, youkrr
always on the right SIDE"
A noiseless roller-skate has;bee
vented. There is probably no d,
the ingenuity OF man oan conttive III
will make noiseless the man who uses
such skates the first time. and SITS
down upon the back of his head with
his legs shooting heavcnward Nothing
but death.
All the noted astronomers lived very
long lives. They were obliged to in
order 10 find out anything worth pub
iishing The astronomy business is up
hill work, and has been Improbable
until patent medicine people began to
offer rewards for new stars.-NeW Or
leans Rcayune.
John the pigs look rather queer.
Have they been fedp" John-"Yes.
SIR" Dairyman-''What did you give
them?o John-'.As there wasn't moth.
ing else. l gave them the milk that was
left in the cans when the men got back
from the city," Dairyman-"Great
Josephus! What have you doneP Run
for the DOCTOR 1-s--&- a., go
Father" queried young Henderson,
"what is a society event'p" A society
event is what I call one of your
mothers crazy-quilt parties, if 1 can
get the editor to put it in for nothing.
If can't get it in for nothing l call
it shame, and ask him when he's
going to print something the people
like to read" .t3 .#-..
what name does your husband call
you byp" said bride to friend who
had been married several years; 'does
he cali you ducky or loveyp My dar-
ling calls me ducky." 'Does hep
Mine used to call me popsey-wopsey,
but he doesn't use that term now."
"What does he call you then?" "He
calls me, Say there! "-Somserville
Journal. -.....
''How often do you present your bill
to that young fellowP" said gentle
man to q cigar-store man whom u dude
told to charge him with package of
cigarettes. ''Quarterly SIR" WHAT
You don't mean to say you trust him
for three monthsp'' ''Oh, no. of course
not. Quarterly in this case means
every time tho bill amounts to a
quarter. "-Merchaat Tai'or.
A California editor, who has evident,
ly been rusticating to the fullest extent
of the term, is moved 10 remark phil.
osophically that 1.-THE passion for illicit
watermelon is something which age
nor intirmity has power to COOL" 1t is
thus that vice has ever sought to justify
Itself, but it is painful to see il, boldly
faunted in the face of the public
Indianapolis Journal.
"My son." asked a proud father,
after the usual greetings upon the
young mans return from college,
''have you microscope among your
trapsP' "A microscope. dadp" re-
piled the astonished youth. ''Yes, my
son; you have been in college, you
know, four years, and thought if you
had microscope handy l should like
to see how much you had learned"
They were strolling in the green
fields, and he was telling her of his
love. Just as he was on the point of
asking her to marry him COW, which
was concealed by bush few feet
away, mooed long and loud. Did the
girl faint away or run away or screamp
No. She gave one little imperceptible
start and simply remarked: go away.
cow. As you were saying, George"
-NesU York San.
A woman will calmly leave the cover
of q jar containing ground coffee open
when she knows the air will take the
strength out of it. But she will never
leave the stopper out of bottle con-
tanning perfume she bought in Paris