The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1884-05-03
Paragraph Fiend.
Old age-Dotage.

A c,ose cal-"Iere, come back and shut
the door"
Thu man who "found his level was Il
carpenter, of course.
The girls are like arrows, they cant be
got o. without beaus.
Dr. Mary Walker is the only Scltmade
man in Washington today,
No brass band can play AS many airs rs
drum major can put on
A man who is locked up for drunken
ness is certainly in tight place
We can discover no traces of harness
shop ever being called II bridle.chambcr.
"Self.made men are not born 10 com
mand," because they are not made To
order
Spring may be postponed on account of
the weather, but the new spring bonnet
never
DR.. Mary Walker says she will wear
trousers or nothing We guess it is better
as it Isl She may keep them on.
A Connecticut minister is so opposed 70
kissing games that he will not take a bus
even in the stormiest weather
ELLA" wants To know If we can tell her
what the knights of the Bath are? Usu-
ally Saturday nights dear
1t is estimated that OF lowa's 80 or 20
coloEels of the late war of the rebellion
not more than $500 remain,
"What are paucesY" asked the teacher
of the primary class. Things that grow
on cats, pped the small boy at the foot.
There are three terrible diseases now be
fore married men, namely; Spring fever,
spring bonnets and spring house cleaning,
When bachelor says he is single from
choice it makes him mad TO ask him why
the girls made choice Of some other fellow
A southern editor asserts that angels are
all blondes, but blondes are not all angels
1t is painfully apparent that his wife is not
Il brunette.
A woman always carries her purse in her
hand SO that other women will see it; Il |
man always carries his in his inside pocket
so that his wife won't see it.
A man and his wife had little Difficult |
ty in the kitchen the other day, and pres !
emily matters became so quiet that you |
nnu11 bnop a rn1linu nj N lrnn
A Fargo young lady name Rouse
Caught Il glimpse Of poor little mouse,
And the scream that she scromc
Shattered heavens blue dome
And bulgcd out the walls Of the house,
"I'm not free trader said a Pennsyl |
vania father, as he led his son out of the
pantry by one ear "but | am opposed to
such attacks on sugar"
A health journal says that you ought to
take three quarters of an hour TO your din
ner 1t would be well also to add "A few
vegetables and piece Of meat
A Des Mones man publishes "A card an
nouncing that "as many citizens have fail
ed to solicit me To become a candidate for
office, have concluded to offer my ser
vices to the voters for the Office Of" &c
A rural friend wants to know what is the
best thing to feed hogs on. He might feed
them on the ground, or, if he wishes in II
trough. We never did approve of fixing
up mahogany tables with marble tops for
hogs.
A Chicago man got hold of the wrong
jug the other day and took big drink of
mixture of kerosene oil and muratic
acid. Then he accused the servant girl of
stealing his whisky and pouring water in
the jug to conceal the theft.
o folk up north!
Why send you forth
These SHOWS and winds to freeze us;
To give MS cold,
And make us old,
And nip, and chill, and wheczc us?
7erdS Tj'ibuae
The idea of the 306 stove lid medals of
the "Old Guard" has been applied to some.
thing useful. Mr.. Routt, Of Colorado, who
belonged to that immortal band, has adopt
ed the device as brand for his cattle
The following telegraphic correspond
ence explains itself. BALTIMORE, Feb.
29.-7o Boston Post: Do you want special
about tattooed woman giving birth to IA tat
tooed child here? -, Baltimore
Americda." "BosToN, Feb 29.-To --
-, Baltimore american: No. Have an
able liar of our own II Boston Post
Laura johnson, Milwaukee girl, be
came 50 indignant on reading a letter from
her betrothed, in which he expressed the
desire to break off their engagement that
she tried to snatch the engagement ring
from her finger, but it was 50 firmly fixed
that she could not remove it. Seeing "A
hatchet near by, she then deliberately
chopped the finger off and sent il, with the
ring attached, 10 the faithless lover
WASHINGTON ELEGY.
Full many gem of purest ray serene
The dark, unfathomcd caves OF ocean bear"
Full many can OF gentle Kerosene