Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1884-03-12
Sure Cure for Snoring Husbands.

There is a lady in Allegheny, Pa.
who has a receipt for the cure of the
disagreeable habit Of snoring, which she
will sell very cheap.
| The lady, who is q most estimable
wife and mother, is united to a quiet,
undemonstrative gentleman, who, as
both husband and father, can scarce be
improved upon. His one failing, if SO
harsh term may be applied to the mis-
| fortune, was that he would snore. For
quite number of years his amiable
wife had borne the infection with a
| Christian fortitude and equanimity that
| has characterized all the acts of her mar
ried life, but recently the gentleman has
unaccountably become possessed Of a
| high-tenor snore that would reach the
nerves of cast-iron man and cause an
| asthmatic steam exhaust to blush. Ar
guments, pleadings, pokes in the tickle
ribs, back-action kicks, and various
other devices for exercising the unruly
sounds that poured from his open
mouth were unavailing. He himself
deeply regretted his unfortunate pro-
clivity and really tried to conquer it.
Recently his wife told her troubles to
lady friend. The friend was one of
those good motherly creatures who have
a cure for everything from a boil on
the nose to hereditary rheumatism.
| She Immediately prescribed sure and
safe relief for the snoring. It was as
simple as it was efficacious, and con-
sisted merely in inserting candle into
the opened mouth of the snorer and tick
H. Nol, - j
prescribed as the only article that could
be used without injury to the patients
teeth, as he convulsively closed them on
feeling the tickle. 1t was to be used
upon the snorer without his previous
knowledge. So that the shock received
would permanently cure him of his habit,
az it is a well-autnenticated fact that the
mind of sleeper actively retains i'm
pressions so obtained.
Without intimating her designs upon
him, his wife procured brand-new tai
low candle, and secreting it under her
pillow, awaited an opportunity for its
use. 1t was well on to midnight when
this occurred. At about that ghostly
hour her husband in the pleasant fan
tastes of his dreams, rolled over on his
back. and, with few gentle, preliminary
snorts and pufs, commenced his solo.
Wider and wider opened bis mouth as
the deep, unearthly corrugations of sounG
issued forth. At last it was stretched
to its full extent, and the roar that
came rumbliug out notified his wakeful
spouse that the appointed moment had
arrived. Tremblingly and with thump-
ing heart she seized the candle, and hold
ing it, swinging like pendulum, by the
wick end, she suspended it over the
yawning mouth of the sleeper. The
iady's hand shook so with suppressed
excitement that she could scarce pilot
the butt end of the white monolisk be-
tween his teeth. It was entered Just as
a tremulous snore was making it's exit |
There was moments awful silence. and !
the bottled-up breath came peaIing forth |
in such a horrible, unearthly manner
that his wife gave little shrek and
half its oieagenous length into the throat |
OF the innocent sleeper, fairly plugging
up that useful channel Of life. He
could not snore, he could not yell, he
could barely breathe. What terrible |
thought shot through his sleep-dazed |
brain will never be known. His jaws |
came shut with mighty snap, severing
the grease Of the candle and firmly i'm
bedding its wick in the center between
two incisors. There it was, safe and
sound, and firmly fixed. But the man
was not there. With the face Of boiled |
oyster and the appearance of bare
limbed lunatic he was gyrating around |
the room, his arms wildly saving the |
air, and great, glistening white thing
sticking out of his infamed countenance
like a pigs tail prematurely placed. |
Wash pitcher, bowl, and stand went over
in one dire crash. Chairs, tables, bed
clothes mingled in sort of household
hailstorm. His wife cried ''murder."
"thieves," and ''fre," and made vain
attempts to seize upon the projecting
end of the thing. He could not speak,
he could not breathe. The only act he
could successfully perform was to dance
around like an enraged lunatic. At last
he seized che candle, and by one mighty
wrench drew it forth, stripping the in
side half off the wick and leaving his
mouth filed to running over with the
broken tallow.
His wife is no longer annoyed by his
SHORES. He sleeps on cot-bed in the
northeast corner of the third story. no
against the roof, and vows that any WON
an whose heart is black enough to at
tempt the murder of her husband by
strangling him with candle deserves
neither husband nor home comforts.