Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-04-10
WIT AND HUMOR

Artificial cork has been invented. and
we shall soon hear of adulterated life
preservers. -LoreU Courier
Nine great American circuses are
preparing to start out IN the spring. to
say nothing of the Presidential cam
paign.
The following is literal transcript
of sign on Pennsylvania village
store: Tea and Eaters, Sugar and
Shingles, Brickdust and Lasses, Whis-
| Ky, Tar and other Drugs"
There is one point for which | ad-
mire Washington. said Mrs. Mourner,
who has just buried her third hus band.
HE married widow, thus setting all
Americans Il noble example"
No use talking, the living skeleton is
a failure in matrimonial sense. How
long did our skeleton and his wife live
together? How long did Damala enjoy
the sweets of matrimonial bliss with
! Sarah?
mo" said the young man, II don't
like fashy neckties, but I've worn them
since the beginning of the silk-quilt
craze. You see, the girls beg the ties,
and that makes the fellow who wears
shem of some Importance.
Joseph Cook has invented 'meiag-
nostic," meaning "a little knowledge.1'
A little knowledge (Which, we pre-
sumo, means learning in this CASEY is a
dangerous thing, and the word meiag-
nostic looks so.-BOSt0n Post.
In one of our Indian languages the
word woman" is rendered 'tkewano-
| L
phasis on the last two syllables. Even
the savages understand the vile and
wicked arts of the lying slanderer.
Walt Whitman's latest poem, which
appears in the March Harper, shows
marked improvement in the construc-
ton of rhymes He makes '.sugges-
tons" rhyme with goal and sun
with NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Herald.
A Rev. Mr.. Kirkland, of Texas. is
paid so poorly by his congregation that
he works in saw-milI during the
week. A few who have heard him
preach wish that he would work in the
saw-miIl Sunday.-Ne20 Orleans Plea
yat1oe.
It is said that the Queen never
knows what her speech contains until
after it is read to her. She must write
so fast that she hasn't time to under
stand what she is composing. Ii she
can understand her speech after hear
ing it read, she is lucky. -NorrjstoaO1s
Herald.
A little knowledge is q dangerous
thing, especially of foreign languages
Jones is very fond of sticking in bits of
French prigged from Ouida's novels,
and the other day, when Brown chaffed
him about a showy-looking young lady
he was seen walking down Broadway
with, he made answer: ''HaW, haW,
dear boy, that was only ma cuisine. p
HaTper's.
A bachelor and spinster who had
been schoolmates in youth, and were
about the same age, met in after years,
and, the lady CHANGING to remark that
''men live o great deal faster than
women;" the bachelor returned, Eyes,
Maria. The last time we met we we're
each "a years old. Now, I'm over 40,
and hear you haven't reached so
yet" They never met again.
1t is sometimes misfortune to be
deaf. At revival meeting not far out
of this city few nights ago German
arose to express his opinion, and said:
''Der PEGS a goOt many on tie roat to
hale" A worthy deacon, who was
hard of hearing, and regulated his re-
| sponses by the infection of the speak
ers' voices, exclaimed: The Lord be
praised! Bradford Sunday Mail.
John" said the butter dealer, sal
ways put in q couple of sheets of paper
81, l.
you neat and clearly in your business.
Tho" don't like to have their butte"
stopped onto q scale that, for ali they
know, has never been washed. And
besides there's good profit in buying
paper at half cent q pound and sell
ing it for 80 or 40. "-BoSton Trans
crGpt.
A Pittsburg darby was struck ter
rife blow upon the head with a whole
brick yesterday. The stricken one
didn't say word until he had careful
Iy gathered into his hat every fragment
of the unfortunate brick, when he
| ''Dese yer fragments is each wuf day
for you in de Workhouse. You can't
suit my feelin's wild IMMUNITY, I can
tell yer, boss"
While an Indiana editor was home
sick with typhoid fever and his wife
and little daughter were suffering at
the same time with diphtheria and
scarlatina, the office boy clipped and
published as a leader the following
medical note: Typhoid fever, dip6-
liberia and scarlatina are the results of
human ignorance, stupidity, laziness
and filth, rather than visitations of
God. "-NeaO York Com. AdUertiSer.
Consolation for New York: There is
a strong but generous rivalry between
the cities of New York and Philadel-
phia as to which can show the dirtiest
streets. 1t is believed by impartial
Judges that New York has the greater
natural advantages for general filth
ness, but the Philadelphia contractors
are the LATEST men in all the world.
which gives the Quaker City a long
start in the contest.-BurJjaagt011 HaCk-
eye.
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