Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1884-04-24
"THE PIEZ-BITERS."
The Authorship FINALLY ConclusiveIy
Settled.

poraneous human interest appearing
in the Centennial MUqdz5Ac. j was
work Of considerable force and origin
ality. It's plot was novel and interest
ing; the characters were vigorously,
though at times crudcly, drawn, and
the dialogue was OF q popular, breezy
nature. Its chief attraction, however,
was the air of mystery which surround
ed its origin. The public, ignorant of
the identity Of its author, ascribed it
to numerous writer's of more or less
fame, and quite exhausted its ingenui-
ty in endeayoring to solve the riddle.
The publishers, with great shrewdness,
used this mystery to good advantage to
advertise the work, and the press, in
huenced by the popular interest in the
authorship, used all the powerful
means 1t its cOr3mand to discover the
secree
The eminent Mr. Griddlc, of the New
York Forum, who was popularity sup
posed to sustain intimate relations with
the publishers, asserted with unanswer-
able arguments that the author of The
Pie-Bitcrs" was Mr.. William HOwls, of
Bcanyille; while the San Francisco
Aaggct with equal positiveness declared
that it plainly recognized throughout
the work the playful hand of Mr. John
Grass, author of the famous Large
Trousers" The lesser newspaper fry,
following the example of their noted
brethren, expended much ingenuity
and enthusiasm in bringing forward
their own particular candidates.
Seven cities cOntended. for the honor
Of the birthplace of Homer, but this
was now eclipsed; for no less than six
ty-seyen cities, fourteen villages, and
three railway crossings vigorously
claimed the author of 1.-The Pie-Biters. -
''Pie-Biter" hats became the rage;
the "Pie-Biter' waltz was the musical
gem Of the day, and the eminent show
man, Mr. Barnum, publicly offered
50, 900 to the author if be would reveal
his identity and consent to exhibit
the bearded lady and the Andalusian
fat boy.
Among all the admirers of "The Pie
Biters' there was none more wildly
enthusiastic over its merits than Miss
Lucy Sheldon. She garnished her con-
versation with plentiful quotations from
its pages, and drew unfavorable COM
parsons between her friends and the
characters in the novel. She lived in
complete atmosphere of romance,
and bridged the time intervening be-
tween the issues of the story by re-
hearsinG its previous incidents.
The burden of her rhaspsodizing
deluged the patient ears of Mr.. Absa-
lom Perkins, her worthy guardian.
But frequently Mr.. Frederick Kane was
caught in the shower. Frederick was
the old gentleman fayOritc nephew,
and therefore always = welcome guest
at Perkins Villa. That is, whenever q
lapse in his reportorial duties permit
ted his absence from the Office of the
HoJNtHg CIall0R.
He had known and admired Lucy
from her infancy, and this admiration.
nourishcd BY his constant association
with her, crew into an earnest deVo-
ton. Whether she reciprocated this
feeling OF not was matter of doubt in
his mind. But he bided his time.
One pleasant Saturday afternoon
suburb where his uncle resided His
ancient uncle greeted him with custom
AIRY warmth, but Lucy, who was fever
ishly cutting with hairpin the leaves
Of the latest issue Of the Centennial,
scarcely noticed his entrance.
"a fresh attack of the old disease"
whispered the ancient Absalom, play
fully jabbing at his nephew's ribs.
so / see, :" assented Frederick. s'It
may be contagious; let US fly to the
billiard-room while there is yet timen
Lucy raised her head scornfully and
glared at Frederick This is news
paper wit, | suppose" she said. You
sheer at my enthusiasm over this story,
but that's because you can't appreciate
1t. Yet | see that you are dying of
envy because YOU can't write anything
half SO good"
Il only envy the author his power of
winning Your approval, gallantly re-
sponded Frederick.
That's quite worthy of your society
column. Why do YOU waste your time
on me? | believe you pretend to be a
writer And what do YOU do? You
write about horrid horse-races, and po-
lice courts, and prize-rings, and-and
-and-church fairs"
Sharp, though slightly illogical"
said old Absalom as lie left the room,
reckoning Frederick TO follow. But
that gentleman stoutly held his ground.
Well" he argued, 1.-The duties you
mention may not be the highest form
of art, but they will prove, l hope,
stepping-stones to better things. You
will remember that even Dickens was
once q raDDrtpT -
4 hope" said Lucy, feelingly, you
don't claim that Dickens wrote any
thing like The Pie-Biters?'
Certainly not, )" said Frederick.
She looked at him obviously mo-
ment, as if uncertain of his meaning.
then fell to devouring the pages of the
magazine. Frederick with an amused
smile sauntered out and joined his
uncle in the billiard-room.
He did not see Lucy again until he
met her that evening at the dinner
table. Her cheeks glowed and her
eyes sparkled; she even looked at
Frederick with some degree of tolera-
ton.
'.And how are our worthy friends
sThe Pia-RtterS' P'' oueried bSa1om