Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1884-12-29

If babies never cried there would soon
be panic in the paregoric market.
A Michigan couple were married one
day and divorced the next. She prob
ably made biscuits the first evening.
Two farmers saw couple Of dudes on
the street, when one exclaimed: Gosh!
what things we see when we don't have
guns!"
They now charge that Belva Lockwood
intends to collect all the ballots cast for
her for President and make crazy quilt
| of them.
| A man who saw an apparition of his
| deceased wife said he was not scared,
put sort of surprised because he didn't
expecter.
'sHusking bees are in order," says an
exchange. We tried to husk bee once
-one of the 'bumble" variety-but he
got the best of us.
Ladies have for long time been aces
toned to make bustles out ofnewspapers.
Now one of them is making considerable
hustle in the newspapers.
"Suppose should work myself up to
an interrogation point?" said beau to
his sweetheart. 81 should respond with
an exclamation" was the reply.
Let none of the great family of Browns
be alarmed if they see ghosts of their rel
atives this season. All shades of brown
are said to be in the height Of fashion.
Santa Barbara has produced an onion
weighing one pound fourteen and half
ounces. If you notice peculiar odor in
the west wind you will now understand
the cause of it.
A sweet gushing poetess asks plaintive-
ly; ''How do the roses fade?" Although
we have not read up very much on the
subject we feel that we can truthfully an
swer, ''gradually."
young man of Richmond, Va, who
was to have been married recently: shot
himself a few minutes before the time for
the ceremony. He preferred this death to
tackling the bridal cake.
''There is nothing impossible to the de-
termined spirit" says a philosopher Ev-
identity that philosopher never tried to
reach up behind his shoulder to get hold
of the end Of a broken suspender.
"Ah!" said the barnyard rooster, gazing
admiringly upon BRAN new brood of
chicks, ''whose work is this?" Then the
setting hen turned her head modestly and
said ~ cannot tell lie sir; l did it
with my little hatch it,
Old shoes and cast-off rubbers are
growing scarce, says a leather journal.
Our girls should lay in their winter
chewing gum right away. A scarcity in
old overshoes and rubbers means high
priced chewing gum for the fall trade.
A young man once went to Vicksburg,
Miss. land announced that he was going
to issue ''lively, spicey paper, devoted
to local affairs" The next day several
one-armed, one-legged and some one
eyed gentlemen called on him and advised
him not to do it, because thy had tried it.
and it didn't seem to suit the people ot
those parts. Some people have no idea OF
true humor.
''Yes, bretheren'' says the clergyman
who is preaching the funeral sermon
sour deceased brother was cut down in
a single night torn from the arms Of
his loving wife who is thus left discon
solate widow at the early age of q
years. TWENTY-FIVE, if you please,
sobs the widow, in the front pew, EN-
erging from her handkerchief for an in
slant.
A Superintendent of some gas works
out West who was accustomed to vent
his ill-humor by hurting profane epithets
at his men was one day obtaining relic
in his usual style at the expense of a new
hand whom he had just engaged. TIL,
new hand listened to him patiently unit
the superintendent's supply of ''cus
words" was exhausted. Then very quiet
ly he said: II generally lick anybody tina
insults me, but happen to be very hare
up just now, and if you'll pay me ten doll
ars I'll let you off," The money was Civ
en-. He was a Harvard graduate TEN
porarily 'sbusted.'