Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1884-12-04
WIT AND HUMOR.


business of making glass bottles. The
business of emptying them seems to be
carried on as briskly as ever.
why does Dina get more beaux
than / ~ asked the elder sister. Il
don't know, unless she is little arch
err said mamma, with a culver of her
lips.
A Pennsylvania oil king who has
made fortune in the last three years
is advertising for wife. Very proper
ly, he demands that tho lady shall be
refined
1t is time honored custom in Quin-
cy, Fla. TO salute newly-married wo-
man by firing cannon. This is to re-
mind them that the battle of life has
fairly begun.
A correspondent says: 1T is won-
derful how many caves have been dis
covered in Tennessee. We would
suggest that the same remark has been
applied to Wall street. Boston Post.
A hens egg measuring 81 BY 81 inch
es has been laid on the table of Geor-
gia editor. He proposes to keep it and
let it ripen for the next dramatic COM
bination that comes down that way.
First come the missionaries. then
the Consuls. and then after them the
armies,n said King Theodore of Abyss
sinia some years ago to French trav-
eler, explaining his adherence of ex-
plorers and missionaries.
you ought to put sign over that
hatchway." said apoliceman to store
keeper, ''or some one may tumble into
it. ''All right" replied the mer-
chant; and he tied one of his ''Fall
Opening cards to the railing.
Queen Victoria invariably has her ice
cream analyzed by chemical expert.
As yet, nothing but pure chalk and wa
ter and corn-starch have been discov-
cred. The Queen lives in hopes of
striking a trace of cream sometime.
A young man meaning to be very
gallant, presented lady with a rose,
saying: Madame. allow me to pre-
sent you to one of your sisters. :"
Judge of his chagrin when bug
crawled out and sat down in the mid
die of the rose.
Twelye-year-old bad boy: isis,
your feller's in tight place. Sister,
alarmed: why, what do you mean.
BobP" when / was getting your
face powder in the drug store this noon
l saw him in behind tho screen" Sis
ter: '.Shh!-papa will hear Bad
boy: PA was there, too"-Burliisg-
Ton Free Press.
A writer in the Century says it would
take limited express train several
hundred years to reach the sun, and
the fare ut the customary rates would
be over $4,000, 00O. That settles it!
We shall never make railroad Jour-
ney to the sun. The fare is reasonable
enough, but we couldn't neglect our
business so long. No'ristoWn Herald.
The following is the curriculum of
the schools of journalism: Don't
write on but one side of the paper.
Use capital letters when necessary.
Don't make q paragraph only where
one is needed. Spell proper names
correctly and others as nearly correct
as convenient BY observing these
rules anyone can become great jour
nalist.
Old man Petigrew, of Austin, is very
precise in his statements, and is also q
strict constructionist. One morning q
neighbor rushed in on Petigrew while
the latter was eating his breakfast and
exclaimed excitedly: Your house is
on fire.. STRIP ..Your house is
burning up. You are wrong sir. :"
..Wrongp' Eyes, sir; this is not my
house. | only rent it. Te1as Stft-
tngS.
Boy bowling. His mother gives him
an apple. Don't want that old APP
pie" he cries. II am glad of it, the
mother replies, 'for it is little sisters,
and she'll want it when she wakes UP. :"
Then he wants it. s.Gimmef' he
cries. and he is not satisfied until the
apple is gnawed beyond recognition.
Then he feels better. The majority OF
boys do not grow up to be good citi-
zens. Arkd,ssaao 1raucier.
Something lacking. Baker-'Yes.
mum; now put my name on my bread
to prevent my rivals from initiating my
ioaves and getting my custom" House
keeper-"A wise precaution. But was
that bread you left here yesterday gen.
uinep" 20. yes, num- Then |
would suggest that you add something
besides your name to the loaves. ("
Certainly. mum, if You say so. What
is itpn 1.-The date."
A Boylston street dentist was recent
ly asked by one of his lady patients if
he would make set of false teeth for
her dog. who, being old, had lost his
own. She said she was willing to have
the experiment made on her darling,
whose digestion was now greatly i'm
paired, and that many other people
she knew would be glad to have their
pets absent teeth replaced if her dogs
set was success. The dentist decln-
ed to try.-BeGcoa.
The dude is no longer fashionable.
He is out of date and far removed from
the fashionable men of to-day. The
dude was in his glory little less than
two Years ago, when the fashion of
wearing abominably tight trousers, va
cant smiles. pointed boots, and silver
headed sticks first started in. For the
first time in the history of civilization
fashion was popular which gave mar
row-chested, cadavorous, and spindle
shankcd young men q chance for their
lives. San Francisco 11gonaut.
"Wife-''Did you meet Mrs. Smythe
at the party last EVENING" She has
been abroad a long time, you know"
Husband-"Yes, had quite q chat
with her, and, judging from her man
ner, l am very much afraid / offended
her" Wife--"Offended her. And
how, prayp" Husband-"By paying
her a very pretty compliment" Wife
Nonsense. A woman is never Of
Tended by pretty compliment. What
did you say to her?" Husband--'I
told her she was growing old graceful
ly." Wife-"Well. you are fool. !"
The tallcst bird known to cthnologists
was found by Professor Herbert in the
lower eocene deposits near Paris,
France. 1t was over twelve feet in
height, and could have bitten mans
head off rs easily as a woodpecker can
nip cherry. We cannot be too thank
full that this bird has gone out of fash
ion and existence. Ladies would have
wanted to wear it on their hats, and
the price would have been frightfully
high. And besides, men who sat be-
hind such bonnet ornaments in the
theaters would be unable to see wheth-
er ballet or q prayer-meeting was in
progress on tho stage Novist1tcn Her.
aid.
Joe Jefferson says the effect that
playing one part a great number Of
times has on an actor is forgetfulness
of his line. "A story is told.' he adds,
''of an English actor, who, after play