The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1884-06-13
GATH SCOOPS" 'EM ALL.
And Creates Sensation Among tho
Columbus CORRESPONDENTS.

about Columbus were thrown into a
frenzied state of CONSERVATION last
night by the announcement that
'Gath" had surreptitiously entered the
city and was rigging up system of
telegraph wires to let loose great sem
sation-ten or fifteen columns of solid
nonpareil-upon terrified and appre-
hensive world.
A gentleman came in from Redwood
and said that long-haired man with
green gingham umbrella, who had
been hanging around that village for
week, terrifying the women and chill
dren, had packed his gripsack and
come to Columbus with fierce look of
determination in his eye.
Who could this be but the veritable
and voracious "Gathp"
A meeting of the correspondents was
Immediately called to take action upon
the remarkable visitation. Jim Boyle,
of the Commercial Gazette, presided,
and stated the object of the meeting.
~ have got onto the mission of this
insatiate monster Gath said Mr..
Boyle, "and he has big scoop on us.
So far as l am able to see we might as
well resign at once, for our various old
men will hardly ever forgive us for let
ting it get away"
'What can it bep" unused Haley, of
the Cleveland Penny Post. HAS he
got any fresh facts about Columbus
discovering American"
"Oh, no; it's good deal fresher
than that" said Charley Bonebrake, of
the Springfield Globe and Cincinnati
HolkSfreund." 1T must be the bottom
facts about the crusades, including an
interview with Richard G. De Leon
old Dick was q great talker, you
know"
II know what it is" put in Joe
Smith, of the Stdte-Jottr',al; it is an &C
count of Strongbow capturing Ireland.
Gath always had faculty of getting
hold of things of that kind-fresh, and
crisp, and newsy."
my opinion is" remarked Jack
Winship, of the Columbus Times, "that
it is about the Norman conquest and
Horse, and those old ROSTERS who used
to drink barrel of ale and eat whole
hog in the way of celebrating the orig
inal and unreconstructed Fourth of Ju-
ly."
81 would like to satisfy myself that
either of these explanations is the cor
rect one," said Mr.. Meeker, of the To-
ledo Bee, "but he always gets into a
fresh subject He is going to give the
life and labors of st. Patrick in Ire
land"
"'Gath' and 1 are on pretty good
TERMS" put in Jack Connolly, of the
Cleveland Leader, "and l have reason
to believe that he has got hold of the
particulars of Cesar's invasion of
Gaul."
"He has gall enough to tackle any
sensation" interposed Mr.. Doane, of
the Cleveland Herald, land he in
tends to head us off by giving full ac-
count of the racket between Romulus
and Remus, and bald-headed des-
cription of the wolf that brought up
these celebrated Roman whelps."
Don't be misled by your fears and
hopes" suggested Fred Smell, of the
New York Times, she's got the official
report of the battle of the Valley of
Aielon, and the secret of the sun and
moon standing still under Gen. JOSH
ua's special order No. l..
II can tell you what it is" piped
Fisher, of the Enquirer: "it's a confla-
| gration-the burning of Troy, Helen,
blazes, Ulysses, Ajax, Troilus, Cres-
sida, and no end of things"
'Tll bet anything its about Joseph
and Mrs. Potiphar, !" said Doc Shaffer,
of the G. g., Mt venture.
ut seems strange"-this from Sam
Flickinger, of the that
none of you can get onto the real
thing. It's about the food-Capt.
| Noah's food-not the little one-horse
flood that they had down at Cincinnati.
The regular first original flood has
never yet been written up as fully as
Gath can do 1t If he sets to work at
It"
II regret" said Charlie Boyle in
conclusion, ''that you are all so wide OF
the mark. The fact is, our distin-
guished enemy, Gath, has got entirely
to the rear, and. as paradoxical as it
may sound, has headed us off entirely.
BY some means or other he has got
hold of the particulars of the early res
idence of Adam and Eve in the Garden
of Eden. You can all see what q
scoop he has in his exclusive possess
ion. No man is better fitted to write 1t
up. No man has more of the old Adam
In his nature-he is man that doesn't
care Adam about the feelings of his
readers when he has prolific subject
in hand. We might as well surrender.
The most of us can get back to the
Tower of Babel, but the line is drawn
this side of the Garden of Eden"
l can only say in addition tina,
"Gath" can work the matter up here
as thoroughly as he could in Asia, and
have no doubt but that he has a per-
sonal knowledge of the most of the
facts. have his own statement to the
effect that he has been the schoolmate
of all the Presidents, Senator'S, Con-
gressmen, Governors, and Supreme
Judges for the last twenty-five years,
and, as he is relative of Adam, he has
no doubt in his possession a great many
interesting scraps of family history fol
which the public are pining.--Cincin'
natl Neios-Joarndl.
The counterfeit presentiment" o
General Hancock is to be found in tn,
Philadelphia Rogues' Gallery, the pho
| L al - TaL IL 4,