Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1884-01-04
WIT AND HUMOR,

DVauJllul nlaunCVS are more captivating
than good looks. IL you see very ugly
man get up in street car and give his seat
to lady you can bet he has been reading
this paper Philadelphia Chronicle.
Suppose the court were woman the
judge a woman, the jury women, the law
yers all women, and laws all made by wo
men, how would you like it ? asks the Rev.
Anna Oliver Beinga very handsome man,
we would like it immensely, Anna; but such
a condition of affairs would be hard on-say
Boston editors. Philadelphia Call.
GLOW old are you p little boy asked of
a little girl" "Oh, YOU mustn't ask me that, 3"
"Why2' Cause gentleman onghten ask
a lady her age. I'm goin on six; now
there "-AThdnsaS TTdUellsr
Some one asked Marselaise tenor why he
sang only in concerts. ''Il's very SIMPLE"
broke my voice, and this is why | only sing
in pieces. "" Hotel Mall
A shabbily dressed woman called upon one
of our citizens for all, claiming that she was
in starving ,nditon. The citizen looked
upon her plelhoric form, estimating the avoir-
dupois of the supcifluous fat, and answered
"You don't look like starving woman" II
know it," She whiningly answered, "Tm
boated with gricf."- Hartford Times.
Mr. jones 81 won Ter why in The world
Congress doesn't do something ut once to
stamp out pOlygamy p Mrs. Joncs-"Bc-
cause Congress is composed Of men, and men
don't know anything. could kill polygamy
with one blow" Mr. Jones "Ob, indeed ;
and how would yon doit2' Mrs. Jones-"I
would 90 Salt Lake City and start mil
inery store there. "-Philddeiphid CdN
The man who married girl because she
'struck his fancy" says she strikes him any
where that comes handy now. - Boston
Com. Bulletin.
Mr.. Gladstone is obliged to have police
escort when he goes to church. Were it not
for the officers he might take run in the
fields occasionally or 60 fishing. boston
Transcript.
Owing to the custom of having their feet
tightly bandagcd when young, Chinese wo-
men 10 not have to wear their h. els in the
middle of their Shoes to make their pedal cx-
tremities look small. - PhH1delphtn Chron-
icle. Herald
A Dull sickcning Thud once Entered a
newspaper Office and Complained to the
Managing editor that he Had been Badly
Treltcd. "Aud how So - inquired the Edi-
tor. "ln your Account of last Fridays
hanging" explained the Aggrieved Thud.
"vOur Reporter made no Reference to nc,
Although was with the Doomed Felon
when he Fell" Your Complaint is Rea-
sonablc one" Quoth the Editor, and he Dis
charged the reporter Forthwith - Chicago
Ne1cS.
Conjugal affection is virtue which is adj
mircd everywhere. A beautiful exemplifca.
ton Of it came uudcr our notice recently
whtn an Italian groceryman was nearly
crazy over the sudden sickness of his wife
lie said, III loOsa my VITA, / die: if
send for the dotlore it Il cost me fife toll
lar However, he concluded to send tor q
physician and his wife got well. Then he
turned sadly TO customer who was samp-
ling his poison and remarked, "AIisfortunes
nevere com singcrly, but always douberly.
loosa fife tollar and my VITA not die |
hNfe no luck. San Francisco Ne,cs Letter
Mrs. Llngtry found in her stocking an
illuminated copy of the Ten Commandments,
one of which was marked with blue pencil.
". y. Graphic.
Poor people go to Il theatre TO enjoy the
play. They never get up what are called
theatre parties to gable with and disturb the
peace of an audience. -NcU orleans Pica-
yune.
A Montana statesman is named Maginnis
NJ. Maginnis. The middle initial is thought
to stand for Maginnis, and vague suspicion
is gaining footing that he may be of Irish
descent. Bismarck Tribune.
There is a difference between Christmas
and the Fourth of July. Christmas comes
but once year, and when it comes it brings
good cheer. The Fourth of July brings
three cheers and a tiger. -Narathon Inde-
pendent.
AS regards height, the Scotch are first.
Irish second, English third and Welsh fourth.
AS regards weight, the Scotch ale first,
Welsh second, Engish third and Irish fourth.
The weight and height of Americans would
be given, but there is no necessity for terrify
ing Europe just at this time. -Lomsoile
Courier-JOu1ndl
Yes, college is a good place to send boy,
he hasn't the normal quantity of
brains. We have known many lad, vino
promised never to amount to anything, bios
som out into first rate ball player, pueilst
or scullcr after four years collegiate course.
Boston Transcript.
Modest, charming little maiden,
Though your eyes with love are laden
keep them closed, nor let them roam,
III the gay leap year has come.
Then your glances, little maiden,
AIM with love and laughter laden
Al the youth you hold most dear
And you'll! have glad leap year.
A. y, Journai.-