The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1883-04-06

very cold; anu yct there Is nre Wltnin
me.
"Is not this insanity But surely
the insane are not conscious of their
own disease. Surely they are spared
that affiiction. If so. then am not
lucky enough to be insane, for l know
all about INV malady; know its cause.
and also know that there is no cure for
, it now.
81 discovered this way of relieving
my mind when you first told me looked
quite different being DO you re-
member that day? 1t was when I re-
turned to you in Dresden, released
from Madame Vauvenard's refining
mill, as you called it. There was all
the joy Of being with you again and of
learning that those months of hard
work had come to a satisfactory end. l
did work hard and delighted in it. 1
was happier then than l ever had been
before, more happy than have been
since, or can ever hope to be again
for everything did was made pleasant
by the thought that it brought me
nearer to you, to be with you always,
and to be to you all that l know nv
mother wished to be. For l know well
what she meant to be; felt it when
you were telling me about your last
hours with her; I have since realized it
in thought as well as feeling.
"She never intended to stay away
from you. As you said to me, she was
driven mad by what she was told. and
it was her love for you which prompted
her to act as she did. l feel as if her
spirit had entered into me, and that |
may speak for her. Had she ! cen
spared only for little while she would
have discovered how wrong the impulse
was on which she acted; she would have
gone to you. and you would have been
very happy together. l feel as if it had
been given to me to take up her life IN
relation to you, and the hope which
gave me strength to do so much i'm such
short time was that of being able to
fill her place to some extent, and to
make you glad again.
"See how much calmer have got
Look how wildly began this writing
and how quietly am going on now.
1t seems as if / had passed out of a
sitting room into fresh air. Thinking
of you, too, has taken me out OF my
morbid self and soothed me. i think it
will ! e possible now to tell you in a
sensible kind of way all that some day you
must know
"On that day when I reioined you l
looked upon myself as different being;
and on that day when you for the first
time brought Maurice Calthorpe into
the library here 1 became conscious of
the absolute distinction between my
past and my present life. Lucy Smith
was visible 10 me as dear friend from
whom was separated, but to whom |
could still speak This fanciful idea
was ,fostered BY MS recognizing in me
strong resemblance to one he had
formerly known, and failing to identify
me.
"Are you startled? are you angry
with me? 1t is the only secret / have
kept from you, and did SO partly be-
cause it was difficult to speak to YOU
about it, partly because | was not sure
myself or of him. 1t is true knew
him as Maurice Esmond, and he knew
me as Luc Smith. Perhaps it would
have been better had l told you this at
once; perhaps it would have been bet
ter if he had been told at once that |
had been known as Lucy Smith. But
you had told me that you did not wish
to have the past spoken of; and l had
become suspicious OF him. l had been
told that everybody knew that he, as
sisted by his father. | find it
difficult even now to put down in writing
what | was told about him. But it shall
90 down: it was this--that he was
seeking by rich marriage to save the
estate of Calthorpe from being sold to
paw their debts.
when l first heard this / did not re-
lieve it: but when saw him pretend
ing, rs it seemed, not to know me. or if
not pretending. showing that he had
cared so little about ME as to be ready
to take me for another person because
of mere change of dress and sur
round ;ngs, | felt hurt: then yexed;
then angry and suspicious. The bitter
thought darted through my m nd that
he was trying to make me regard cur
former friendship as OF so little account
that it might be quite forgotten. in
order that l might not think he had for
saken me when | was only poor waif,
although he was willing enough to pay
court to me when he knew me as an
heiress. No doubt this unpleasant sus-
picion was aroused by what had heard.
Whatever the cause, the suspicion once
aroused, / soon discovered in his pres
ent, and in my remembrance of his past
conduct, many things which appeared
to give it probability if not confirmation.
| determined to try him, and so did
everything | could to appear to him
quite a different being from Lucy
Smith.
Il had looked forward to this first
interview with him, and had expected
that there would be on his part amaze
ment and immediate recognition. In
that case 1 had purposed telling him in
your presence how it was that / had
been known by another name, and ask
ing him why he had come to us as
Maurice Esmond. But all this was in
stantly changed by the mean course he
seemed to have adopted.
II stop even now to question my
self. Was not my course OF conduct as
mean as his? Should not at once have
explained to him the real position when
he spoke of my resemblance to form
er friend? You remember that he spoke
of it as so remarkable, that if she had
appeared in the same dress before me.
I would have thought that was look
ing in a mirror. All the mad rest
lessness of mind and body is coming
upon me again as think that one word
spoken then might have made every
thing so different.
WAS l wrong? No, Unjust not even
think myself wrong, and vet the fear of
lie terri. BILE revenge, indeed. fer any
thing l may have made him suffer.
But it is impossible: can not be wrong;
what happened afterward proves it.