The Dallas weekly herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1885, 1883-05-10
SUNDAY SMILES

dHVlIfT UFlHnN lutuf .buHiNtit huNi'H
created the mosquito, the flea and. all
the vile orders OF the ontozoa and epizoa,
infused for moment In perplexlty. NOW,
what IN thunder shall / make Tor them TO
prey upon 2" he asked himself musingly,
Suddenly bright Idea struck him. lie
made man.
At a recent donation party the preacher
received a large quantity OF bali-cooked
bread, and now he says he.don't want any
more "doughnation parties" In his.
A paper announces for its columns
Forthcoming story entitled, The Prettiesl
Girl in Town" A hundred young ladies
sent postal cards and warned the editor not
to use their real names.
The almanac says that Venus now rises
at 4:0S am. Why she should get up at
that hour in the morning is beyond our
astronomical observation, unless she has
big days washing before her.
At prominent theater young actress
was recalled She had been playing the
title role of Satan's Daughter, and when
she reappeared a stentorian voice asked
as the old man here tonight ~
The maiden's point of view Mamma
Ito Maud, who has been with her brother
to the play and is full of it)-''But vas
there no love in the piece, then ~ Maude
-"Love? Oh, dear, no, mamma. How
could there be? The principal characters
we're husband and wife, you know."-[Lon'
don Punch,
Johnny" said the schoolmistress, "you
have been a very naughty boy. Now go
and stand in the corner with your face
to the wall until tell you you may go to
your seat" "Please, marm," said Johnny,
''it turn my face to the wall I'll have to
turn my back to you and the scholars.
Won't that be rude?"
| hr TrhhooH
"hums on Il, and therefore vibrates its
wings only $50 times in second" A brisk
little bee humming on A will, on the other
hand increase its vibration to 44O per
second. And a very risky little bee, with
It's singer turned to the key of o. will cause
the weary sojourner who happens to lay
violent hands on him to imagine that its
vibration is not less than 100000 per
! second.
One of the latest lies is to the effect that
the two most intelligent hens are owned by
Louisville lady, who keeps grocery. One
of them lays in the safe in the kitchen so
that the cook can always have a fresh egg
for the cake; and the other lays in the gro
Gerry, so that Gus, omers may be supplied at
once with fresher article than can be got
from the country. If any other ambitious
amateur Ananas can do better than this
let him sell out.
A Milwaukee hotel man having grown
tired of numbering bedrooms, now names
them. 1t is rather startling to hear the
hotel clerk with his quill toothp ok in his
mouth, call out Take the gentleman's
baggage out of Ireland and send it up to
Siberia" GIVE the large gentleman and
Hard Luck" Put him in the Chimney"
Put him in Salt Creek, or if you prefer
you can go to Hades " Among the names
are Skowhegan, Sky Parlor, Gehenna,
Vienna, Vaderland, Mayhower, Plymouth
Rock.
Poor Yawcob: "You say your wife is
trying to get divorce?" said the lawyer
"Yaw," answered Hans. Spreckendeutch;
"Yaw, dot is sou "And now you want 10
sue Jacob Schneider for damages for alien
ating her affections" "Yaw.S "Was she
a good wife?" mo, she vas bad vomans."
peter midout her." "Well, if she is a bad
woman and you are better without her, you
are not much damaged if Jacob Schneider
like dot, amt it? Mabbe it's peter 1 don'd
say nuttings aloud it. But. ply shiminies,
| pitties dot Yawcob Schneider"
Another very funny sto y has just been
told me: A well know artist, who has
been cultivating long hal in these short
hair days, went to his bari er the other day
to have these hyacinthe .ocks trimmed a
little. The barber went into long-winded
Butler harangue over his work. The artist,
getting tired at last, cried out sob, cut it
short; cut it short !" The barber applied
this imperative ejaculation TO his work in
hand, and not to his word Of mouth, and
the artist rose from that chair shorn of his
treasured locks sadder and wiser man.
Two men were wrangling in front of the
City hall the other day, when one OF them
called out: ~ tell you don't owe you no
.,E . al "A, u nj I
itp' "ThenI'll sue you'll" At this point
pedestrian halted and inquired of one: "Do
you honestly owe him?" mot a penny,
sir! = "And will you sue him for $5?" he
asked of the other. ~ will" "Give him
S." continued the pedestrian TO the debtor
-"give him 81, and be glad to. If he sues
he's sure to get verdict and your expenses
thankful that you are beating t 70 lawyers.
a justice and a constable, six jurymen and
two witnesses out of their fees" A salts
factory settlement was made on the spot.
A gentlemen who had boosted that his
health and cheerful spirits were due TO the
fact that he bathed twice day, was invited
TO dinner party. When the company
had assembled the lady of the house re-
quested him to take char at the table
Immediately adjoining that which had
been designated for the minister OF he
parish. "Ah," observed one of the guests
TO the hostess, 81 see that you have an eye
to the eternal fitness of things. Cleanliness
is next TO goodness. III Brooklyn Eagle.
Litlleton, who 10 a very pompous and
conceiiei little man, had some Of the con-
ceit neatly taken out of him by hotel
clerk, the other day. He was stopping at
hotel with his wife, child and nurse.
During the day he wished TO impress his
friends who were around him with his i'm
portance. lie stepped up to the counter at
The office and inquired Of the clerk II he had
seen his nurse around lately. The clerk
took I'm the situation at once and blandly
replied: mo; but are you not big enough
to get along aloner'
An Italian vender Of images has recov.
cred over 81 900 damages from the sheriff
Of Douglas county, Ca, two prominent cit
liens and an ex-member Of the legisla allure,
who broke his images and rolled him
around the courthouse floor. The provo
cation is not known. but II the wives OF
these art-loving Georgians traded OF their
husbands spring overcoats, last summers
vests and two or three pairs Of trousers for
q plasier-oi-paris bust Of Prince Bismarck,
a pair of fat cherubs and a spotted dog, the
Jury that awarded the damages have COM
mitted a grave injustice.-INorristown
Herald.
FASHION NOTES.