Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1883-12-29

POURED INTO THE EAR OF A STAR REPORTER
HOW RED NOSE AND DIN EYE ARE
GRADED-THE Use THE CLERKS WIFE MAKE.
OF HIS MONTHLY REPoRT-A UNIFORMITY IN
LUNCHES SUGGESTED.
my gracious. am going to catch II from my
wife when get home" dismally remarked q
Pension office clerk to STAR reporter as they
were about to separate, after an accidental
meeting on the street and little chat in the
manner fold acquaintances
why, what have you been doing now?" in
qured his friend in an indifferent manner, not
being particularly interested in other peoples
| domestic trbuations.
Il nave forgotten to bring with me my record
from the office for the past month";" he con-
tlnued andsthere was almost tragic Infection
III Ills tone as II he already saw before him the
l1ate countenance of his spouse and heard her
reproaches. ''You see the madam has got use
TO seeing my reports he went on in an explain
atory way. land she seems to regard them in
the same light as the reports which the children
bring home from school for her to sign If any
OF these school reports fail to come to time there
Is trouble in the family. My wife is very strict
ABOUT such matters, and though of course she
don sign my reports as she does those of the
children, still she is bound to see them. She
wants to keep posted about my habits, and
whether am punctual or not and how indus
trlous am and the other particulars which the
Penslon office every month kindly tabulates 1t
mas the signature of the commissioner and is
attested by the chief clerk, and it comes to the
madam with all the dignity and awful solemnity
OF an official communication
what are you talking about?" asked the
listener with some Impotence, being at q loss to
understand what he meant.
i am talking about my monthly report for
the PENSION office, as | said in the first place ~
was the rather tart response 81 suppose YOU
never heard of such thing" he continued, In q
sarcastic tone
mo; l never did," was the prompt response.
LIKE THE SCHOOL SYSTEM
Inc clerk looked at the speaker in some sur
prise. and then seeing that he meant what he
said, he broke out
"Wny, supposed everybody knew about the
system OF grading in the Pension Office 1t is
just like the system employed in all schools, ex-
cept, OF course. instead Of being graded for pro-
hhclenGy IN grammar, geography, and other
branches we receive credit for punctuality in
dustry, habits, &c. Hereis one for the month be-
fore last" he went on. taking a slip of printed
paper out OF his pocket. MY wife usually keeps
these. expect that she will have them framed
when the collection grows large enough If
they were bank notes. she could not value them
more Mighty, and l have my suspicious that she
mas hope away down in the bottom of her
heart That they will be a sort of lien on the
office if my fral tenure should be loosened in
any way"
Now here you see" continued the clerk gaz-
Ing critically upon the figures showing his record
ior month. The highest mark attainable is Z.
On On THIS basis am rated pretty high for pune
tuality. Industry is not SO good NV habits
We're above the average"
What is meant by habits" asked the re-
porter gazing at the figures. II see that you
are graded at 6.15"
"Well there are yarious thinps comnrisad
under that head. for instance mans nose"
Ihen seeing the look of surprise in the lis
teners face he fastened to add, "The nose
sometimes Indicate whether man has been
drinking the night before II | happened to be
drinking man and should come in the office to-
morrow morning with my nose Illuminated with
carmined hues. the chief of my division who
keeps daily record from which to make I'D the
monthly would at once take couple of points
OH or the habit grade or perhaps more, accord
ing to the brllliancy of the decoration. Then
again the eyes are noted"
A BLEARED, BLooDsHoT,
or sleepy-looking eye has a depressing effect
upon this grade. Any little circumstance in re-
gard to your habits at night, if discovered by
the chief or some kind friend has also its due
effect upon the daily record. Engaging in out
side work after Office hours, keeping late hours.
whether at church or at a dance, if known to
the chief of the division, finds It's record here"
"Ihen there is punctuality. OF course you
know what that means. he resumed, gianclng
at tne paper my wife compares my grade in
this particular with what my boy Henry gets at
school, and If it is not up to the mark she wants
to know the reason why. She says that she
puts up my lunch and the children's every morn
ing, and sees that we are dressed and have our
breakfast and leave the house in time, and if we
don't get to the school and the office at the
proper hour we must loiter on.the way. Some
times think that-I.ought to have nurse to
take me to the office. 1 daresn't say ANYTHING
to my children about their school reports, be-
cause they always keep posted on mine and are
able to retort In kind. It paralyzes my parental
authority, as you might say"
The clerk had responding air as he spoke.
and 1t was with chastened, mild tone that he
referred again to the paper.
Here, you see, we are graded for industry.
rapldity, accuracy. besides the other two things
which have mentioned. have been irving to
get them to include another feature" he SAID
frightening up.
What is that?" asked the listener, with in
terest.
"a grade for lunches" was the earnest re-
Spouse.
"Do you mean what you take to the office to
eat at noon!' was the surprised query of the
listener.
A LUNCH REFORM PROPOSED.
"Certainly; what else can mean?" was the
rather testy reply. "My language is plain. /
said lunches. 1t would only carry out the policy
Of this system. The idea of the grading is to
improve the efficiency of the clerks, and upon
what does mans mental vigOr, as well as
physical force. depend SO much as upon what he
eats? Before this system Of grading was inaug-
urated the habits of the clerks We're very lax
and the government did not obtain their best
efforts. But now all Is changed, and as YOU
have no doubt seen In the newspapers, the most
efficient and capable force of clerks in the en-
plOy OF the government are now i'm the Pension
office. But, while we have advanced in so many
other particulars, in respect to'lunches we are
still in the dark ages. SO to speak"
"There is, In the first place." he continued
"no uniformity In the matter of lunches. Some
meat at all and lunch principally on cake. Ham
is not brain food, and yet large number of
clerks make their midday meal mainly upon
that Suppose a brain-making, tissue-feedinp
food was recommended by commissioners cir
cular and the head of the division instructed to
examine all lunches and grade them,
what change would be wrought!
Then the neatness with which they
are put up and their general appearance might
be noted. / wish that something like that
could be done, and then could shift some of
the responsibility of my monthly reports off
upon my wife. l would call that her grade"
The satisfaction which the countenance of the
speaker expressed as he gave utterance to this
last remark created suspicion In the mind of
the listener that he was thinking more of get
ting even with his wife than the welfare of the
public service in the Pension office.
However, not giving expression to this susrf-
cion. which would have been impugning the