Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-11-10
HOW TO COMMAND RESPECT.

must wrap yourself in mystery. If you
have but five dollars a week, you must
dissemble in such a manner as to make
people believe you enjoy princely in
come.
You must talk about wealthy people
as though intimately acquainted with
them. You must walk down town to
save money, and tell people you do it
for the exercise, which you need be-
cause of your sedentary position, even
if you are hod carrier in an obscure
neighborhood.
If you can't get an overcoat, smiling
ly go without one, and laugh at the man
who wears one, and say you are not
delicate and the weather is not half cold
enough, and you're afraid you will be
obliged to put on your summer under
clothing if it doesn't hurry up and get
cold.
If you can't afford to leave the city
during the heated term, say you prefer
the city every time, and ridicule the
country as much as possible by saying
it is only bower of mosquitoes and ma
laria, and that you can't get decent
meal there to save your life.
But if you can't afford to live at New
port, or in q more fashionable part of
the city, go and secure a den in Bleecker
street or some other out-of-theway-
place, and camp out for the summer,
and tell your friends in the winter that
you have been in Colorado.
If you are unable to secure Derby
in October, stick to your straw hat, and
say that you intend to wear it right into
the winter, because your hair is falling
out, and the straw is so loosely sewed
that the wind may pass through and
ventlate it.
Then, when an elderly man asks you
how much money you are making, out
of idle curiosity, turn about smilingly
ask him if he thinks Tilden will run.
Never answer his question, and, above
all things never swap condolences or be.
come intimate with people-vyou meet in
clearinghouse.
When man tells you how you
might make big fortune, ask him how
it is that he is poor. And when he tells
you how rich he would be if he were
only your age, tell him that no one can
preach success as eloquently as pro-
nounced failure.
If you incline to gambling, keep out
of Wall street. Leave stocks alone, and
go risk your money in legitimate
gambling-house. 1t is all gambling,
and the same thing; but the regularly
ordained gambling-house gives you your
verdict right before eyes, on the spot.
Never rush in to separate two men
who are fighting on the street. II you
do, you may be struck by both parties.
Stand off and take in tho circus. II
men have sufficient provocation to maui
each other, it would be cowardly and
wicked for them not to fight.
Anyhow, it is none of your business,
and you, therefore, have no right to in
terfere and spoil the fun; because we
have no more fun in this world than we
want, and the more we have the hap
pier We become.
Never land at friends house at
meal time. Ii will look as though you
are trying to secure gratuitous dinner !;
and, besides, you will not get better
dinner than you can buy anywhere for
a dollar; and they may have a number
of things on the table that you don't
like, and you will have to eat them out
OF courtesy.
Never spend ten thousand dollars to
have your daughter taught to sing, or
play on the piano, because you can go
and get surfeited with the best profess
sional living for two dollars. Besides,
just as your daughter is becoming pro-
ficient, she will marry dry-goods
drummer and leave you. After a
woman marries she closes the piano for
good, and stops singing in order to find
time to talk.
Never order Spanish omelette in a
country hotel.
Never buy dog from boy you don't
know.
Never have your picture taken with a
cornet in your mouth, an ACCORDION in
your hand, or fire-hat on your head.
Never wear cuff-buttons or scarf
pin designed to show your Calling
Tpuck