The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1883-05-11
uUMOR.


THE best wards for Q latch-key.-
uomewards.
THOUGHTS that burn-Rejected COM
nunications.
No INTELLIGENT lawyer will ever tal.e
the will for the deed.
THB man who was hanged at the yard
arm had his obituary under the head Of
"Ship moose"
"BUT, my dear children, why do You
carry that open umbrella in this fine
weather ?" Because when it rains we
can never get it. Mother takes it then"
ONE of the'saddest moments in life is
when man is looking through IN old
vost, and thinks he has found 10-cent
piece, which, when brought to Light,
turns out to be cough-lozengs.
A 7-YKAR-oLDER. with tho punster's
mark on his brow, at dinner, asked his
mother what was in jar on the table.
"Pickles, my son." was the reply.
"Then, mamma, please pickle little one
out for me-" camo with stunning force
from the child, and the mother fell over
. chair and fainted.-The Drummer.
NO." EXCLAIMED Mr. p enhecker. "No,
madam, object most decidedly. Once
and for all say 1.-THE girls shall not
be taught foreign languages" And
why not, pray" said Mrs. p, with with
ering sarcasm. Because" said Mr.. p,
with more whitening sarcasm. because,
Mrs. p, one tongue is enough for any
woman"
A REPORTER OF city paper came into
the Office and told the city editor they
were trying new fire escape on build
ing down town. "Well, what are you
doing here" said the city editor. "Go
there and get the names of the killed
and wounded at once" The fire escape
will soon rival kerosene as q source of
fatal accidents and items for the papers.
-Peck's Sun.
II DON'T see as much activity and
hustle on the streets of Austin as there
is in Galveston" remarked Legisla-
tor to local merchant. "If, instead
of looking at the bustles on the streets
of Austin, you Legislators were to bring
your minds to bear on your Legislative
duties, you would be much more credit
ably employed" was the appropriate
reply.-Ieras S0tings.
INGERsoLL says plug hats and sus-
penders are needed in the South before
we will make much Roadway, as no peo-
pie who wear SLOUGH hats and let their
trousers hang slovenly on their hips can
ever become civilized. That's it. With
the danger of breaking his suspenders
and having his 81 hat smashed staring
him in the face, q man will be slow
about going into fight.
Mr.. AND Mrs. SwELLINdToN JONES
discussing the success of their ball:
"My dear, who is that fellow over there
looking at the pictures ?" "Don't know,
my dear" "Who brought him here?"
don't know, my dear" "Well, get his
name correctly, and take good care not
to have him here again. He don't talk;
he don't dance; he is very common
looking, and he eats like sixty"
"MY mother says your father has
gone into bankruptcy" said one little
girl to another. "What is bankruptcy,
Nellie?" II don't know exactly" re-
piled Nellie, "but 1 'spects it's some
thing awful nice. Pa used to work aw-
full hard, and used to go around in his
old clothes; but since he has gone into
bankruptcy he dresses up every day and
doesn't do anything but walk around
just like perfect gentleman"
Two GENTLEMEN, one of them Leg
islator, strolled carelessly past saloon.
After they had passed twenty steps be-
yond the saloon, the Legislator stopped
and said: Let us 60 back and get
drink" II thought you promised your
wife not to drink while you were in
Austin?" "No, didn't promise that.
1 promised when / came to a saloon I
would go past it, and have kept it like
man, 1 have passed the saloon; now
let us go back and get drink as re-
ward for keeping my promise. TEXAS
SJtings.
"MR. CLIMBERS" solcmnly remarked
the proprietor of reptile contempor-
airy to his financial and commercial edi-
tor, "Why is it, sir, that since the LIST
inst. you have constantly quoted the
money market as close and stringent
when the fact is the monetary move
ment was never so easy as now. How
is it, sir?" well the fact is that APP
| piled for an increase of salary last
month";" said the o. and L. man sadly,
"and as it was refused on the plea of
hard times, so-why, OF course, THAT
is, natural "Aheml that will
do, Mr.. Clinkers, that will do" said the
papercrat, with scowl, and the next
day another English college graduate,
with cracks in his uppers, was called in
out of the wet and given the strikers
place at two and half less per week
San Francisco Post.