Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1883-08-29
SPOOPENDYKE.
he wants to Know what His Wife would
Do if He should Die-She Tells Him

CFdAe s IFuCet-5'S AdQdsiRe.
"My dear said Mr.. Spoopendyke, turn
lhs IN ms chair and contemplating his
wife with a solemn expression on his
yisage. MY dear, what would YOU do if
gels?''
Good graeious!' exclaimed Mrs.
/ Spoopendyke, dropping her scissors and
looking up with jerk. What put that
| idea in your head|'
Don't you think they are Just as liable
to come fishing after me as any one else?'
demanded Mr.. Spoopendyke, sitting up
sIralght ana rumpling his hair Ominously.
"P'raps you have got some kind of no.
ton that the rest of the world have a
/ corner on this angel business, and that [
am snort on rising market What |
asked was what would you do if | should
| be called away without any particular
amount of warningl'
You needn't be afraid of that" smiled
/ Mrs. Spoopendyke. 1T is a great deal
more likely that l will go before YOU do.
why, you are good for forty years yet,
and you know | am not very strong"
'Got 1t all fixed, haven't yOu?" remon-
strated Mr.. Spo0pendyke, Strengthening
bolt upright, and glaring at his spouse.
been making all the arrangements for
| the dissolution Of this famile without con-
sultlng anybody, haven't We? tell ye,
hour cometh, and ifyou think your candies
got any longer wick than mine, you're
way on your nut, you hear?"
les, DEAR" murmured Mrs. Spoopen-
! dyke, sOothingly. IF you should die.
dear, l think it would kill me.''
" Now you're talking,' grinned Mr.
| Spoopendyke, somewhat Modified bv this
concession on the part of his wife. ''You
know the best of us are liable to 90 any
moment, and you can't tell when | am
likely to be scooped up. Think you'd cry
muchE" and Mr. Spoopendyke folded his
arms and sassumed an aspect of great
resignation, as though he already heard
the bells ringing for him.
Why, of course" replied Mrs. Spoo-
pendyke, rather puzzled by the drift of
the conversation. . l should try to think
that you were better off, but it would be
natural for me to shed tears"
just So" grunted Mr. SpOOpendvke.
And If the natural tears didn't hold out
L suppose you'd chuck in a few artificial
ones rather than not keep up your end of
| the stick. What makes YOU think I'd be
| better OfY' he continued, as he caught the
| full force of the reflection that there
might be some consolation for his widow
! that he had done pretty clever thing by
/ dying. ''Be glad, wouldn't you, to see me
! launched into the grave like a fence post (?
BE great deal of comfort to you to know
! that you would never see me again. or
hear my voice any mOrer' and here Mr..
! SpOOpendyke broke down under his emo
tion and covered his face with his hands.
Don't you feel well, dear?' asked Mrs
! Spoopendyke, timIdly, LET me make you
a cup of tea, and you'll soon get over YOUR
bad feelings"
''Never mind" whispered Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, IN broken voice. Il suppose you'd
! get the most expensive mourning Won
| could find and have it made up as becom-
ing as the life insurance would permit.
| wouldn't yOu?'
Certainly, my dear, if you wish it." as
scented Mrs; Spoopendyke. ''Only don't
| think | could havo it ready in time for the
| funeral. | could borrow a black dress
| until mine was done, but
And suppose you could hire some grief
! to help you through the allotted period of
! bereavement, couldn't yOu?" Kissed Mr.
| SpOopendyke, forgetting that he was theO-
retlcally dead, and bouncing off his chair
There wouldn't be time to get on all the
/ t1Ounces and ruffies between nv death
and burial, and you'd have to rent appro-
| pirate expressions of profound mean-
/ chOly. Is that the way you want to be
| understood? Couldn't 90 to my funeral
unless you could Outshine all the other
/ dOd gasted widows in our set! That the
idea you want TO convey? That the con-
! ISOLATION you want to peryade my last
| hour with?"
NO, dear" cooed Mrs. spoopendyke,
| somewhat at a loss to express herself
! ''What would you like to have me do?''
Dor roared Mr.. Spoopendyke, who
lad expected the prospective widow to
burst INTO tears at the suggestion of his
demise. What do l expect you to do?
Go fishing? When the Trump of Immor-
tallty sounds for Spoopendyke, and he
/ replies, Lord, the remains are prepared
| for the sacriticev l expect YOU to get a
lot OF old hens together and have a candy
| pull! Understand 1t now? Does that
| dying request convey to your mind any
intelligent idea of the last wishes of the
defunctI Think you could carry out that
/ bequest without getting the mOlasses all
/ over the cOrpse?"
Yes, dear" sighed Mrs. SpOopendyke,
! struggling to keep the tears back, as in
her imagination she cOnjured UP the
/ vision of Mr.. SpOOpendyke living in his
coffin his poor face all stuck up with
treacle. only wouldn't like to have
tlre in the house when you are dead be-
cause it would be so hot for the mourn
ers, and, you know, a corpse ought to be
kept as cool as possible in this warm
weather.
$50 it ought, hadn't it?'' yelled Mr..
SpOopendyke, rather startled by this prac-
| tical suggestion that he might not keep
long In warm house. "And the mourn
ers ought to be kept comfortable if they
are going to enjoy the prOceedingsr' he
| continued, remembering that in the emu
meratiOn of the reasons for not building a
fire the feelings of the bereaved were con-
suited bofOre the effect on the late la
mented. THAT busts that scheme. No
candy pull over the remains of SpOOpen-
dyke! Can't We think of something else?
| say" he hOwled, as a new and par
ticularly bright idea struck him. s.You
might have a game of Aunt Sally with
me! Set me up in corner and throw
sticks at me, and then you could have in
some ice cream for the mourners! That
would keep all hands cool, and bust the
hind sights off any funeral that ever come
of IN these partsl How does that strike
you? Think you could manage to put up
with my loss on racket of that kind -
and MIR. SpoOpendyke placed his hand
tOshls ear as if anxious not to lose a word
of his wife's reply to this sensible propo-
sitiOn.
''Wouldn't you rather have me get some
MOVERS, dear, and fill your poor coffin up
with fragrancep asked Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, looking up to him affectionatelV.
Mop rOared Mr.. SpOopendyke, as the
grim aspect of crosses, wreaths and
anchors in tuberOses presented itself to
him. . / don't want any measly flowers
Think Pm going to lie still i'm box, while
lot of dOd-gasted old women, headed by
"A prancing widow i'm a borrowed dress
march past and shy vegetables at me?
Think I'm an opera singer, to hoist up in
my coffin and bow every time measlv
idiot fires a dandelIOn at me- and have
some one in the back end of the church
yell Speechn That your notion of a
funeral! With your ideas about death
all you want is a pair of silver handles
and an autopsy to be railroad accidentr,
and with this complicated illustration Of
his wIfe's views Of Immortality, Mr..
Spoopendyke slammed the door after him
and went to the races.
Il don't care" murmured Mrs. Snoon-
endyke, as he departed. II don't care. At
all the funerals | have attended thev had
flowers, and if we don't have some when
my poor husband dies, they'll say we
didn't have any friends or money. ANY
way, hope he won't die before | do, and
then he'll know what trouble it is TO hunt
up MS own things, and what it is to be
without any one to put them away for
him." and with this sentiment, Mrs.
SpOopendyke put her husbands razor
strOp behind the clock and his pipe into the
shee bag, and then sat down TO wonder
how she would look in mourning if she
should ever ''be driven TO the pinch"
Another Manifesto from PIon- PIon.
PARIS, August PSI Gdulois saws IL
hears that Prince Jerome Napoleon in
tends to publish manifesto to be issued
cOncident with the funeral of the Count
de Chambord.
Placards appeared in various quarters
Of Paris to-day inviting the citizens to
rally 10 the support Of a monarhy under