National Republican., 1883-07-21

hhu hill Jue bTOWns were drowned,
And half the Joueses were buried boneses,
This world would still 20 round;
Thered be less work and more precision
In this hard pressed index division"
HOLDING two bundles also fan and
parasol while hunting for nickel in pocket
book that must be In the bottom of bag will
keep woman busy for some minutes in street
car ar-Ilcdyunc
DON'T wish cream2" cried the good old
lady who had prospered in everything but educa-
ton, "why, that is the potmetical part of the tea
1t takes away the canine, aud makes the taste
quite epicuep'- Mrs. Partington.
BoUcIcAULT, who can write any play he
hes ever seen, will rewrite "Hamet" for his son
Dot to play the Prince, and the Picdyune says he
may strengthen the play by writing up the Crave
digger as an Irish part for himself.
AGARRULoUs A deacon having asked the scrip
tural question, "Why do the heather rage?' saw
the point and thereafter and held his peace when
his surpliced superior promptly replied: because,
like some church people, they don't know
enou gh TO keep STILL"
TRANSLATED from the Omnibus Housewife
Visitor notwithstanding, quick, glass
water for the Mrs. Hofrath, but upon plateW
Caroline for hersel0-"Upon a plate That is
certainly new fashion, now laps then the high
classes water as the cats, out of n soup dshW
COLONEL" said an Arkansaw judge, adj
dressing lawyer, "you say that you're not ready
to go oil with this caseg' "Yes, SIR" whats
the troubleY because have done n great deal
of mental work recently and am compelled to rest
my mind" Want TO rest your mind, eh? Well,
Wen put you on the jury.'-7rdveter,
A YOUNG merchant wants to know how
long surety is good note. Well generally
as long as the note or the surety lasts. We don't
know how much about the length, but We can
tell you about how often surety is good on
note. Once. Just once. Only w-a-n-s-t. You
can't catch him second time, young man.
Hdtokeye.
THE railroad resta urant on the G. and A.
road at Joliet is kept by a veteran baker. A
sprightly young traveller complained of one of his
pies the other day. The old man became angry.
young man," he said severely " made pies be-
fore you were born" "Yes," responded the trav-
eler al guess this must be one of those same
pes."-Chcek.
A New YORK inventor who is experiment.
ing with the telephone, with view of transmit
ting smell, should be Informed of the South
Carolina farmer who is cultivating a new and
exceedingly strong brand of onion. If he cares to
call her up after dinner, the farmers daughter
might convey something which would be of i'm
portance TO him. YonkerS Gazette
MARY HEwENs BURNHAM Fox FIsKE of
New York, writes thus sweetly of Gobhardts Lily:
''AIrs. Langtry is most remarkable woman. On
a fine complexion, good head of hair q cash of q
mouth, large, wholesome teeth, bst as fiat as
Boston cracker very ugly arms, abnormally big
hands and feet wickedly slender and nubby-
kneed legs, very she nble of walk, violently
corseted waist, she has established reputation
for beauty almost divine"
A WRITER in The Century undertakes to say
that "seasicness is the result of reflex irritatons
arising from little surprises to the muscles, and
shccks to the nerves engaged in performing Ger
| tain important functions-uotably oflocomotion,
| respiration, and vision-and when the groups of
muscles thus engaged are once educated to the
| surrounding circumstances, the nervous revul-
sions are not experienced" When one has read
thu far he wants TO go to the rail Of the ship and
count the little fishes
"TAKE that pair of shoes from under your
cost" demanded merchant of an old negro, "or
| I'll have you arrested" who's got par of
shoes uner his coat?' "You have. / saw you
when you picked them up" sis desc de shoes2'
| producing them. "Yes; hand them here" why
didn't yer tell me da de shoes, sted OBJ gettin'
me fused roun', heah? Holler at u man case no
| doan unerstan' yer. Wust town 1 eber seed.
White folks tramps on de niggars like da was
foot log"
EARLY in the morning q day or two since
| a young fellow was driving down into the city
| through one of the suburban streets when he OBJ
| served in a dooryard some very tenn pting cherry
trees 1t was early he felt that he was alone, SO
he stopped his horse and climbed one the trees.
"Git down out of thatl" yelled female voice
| fhat proceeded from lady in undress walking
costume" who appeared upon veranda. "No
hurry about it," responded he, as he cleared fine
twig of its fruit I'll call in and get my pay for
the work when get through" Probably she was
exasperated-Ein -EintirG Advertiser.
A CoLoRED woman, wishing to make short
trip up the road Saturday morning, applied to the
agent of the Atlanta and West Point railway for
ticket, Upon paying for and receiving the same.
she said: "Whar's my turn ticket 2" "We have
no return ticket" politely answered the agent
How in the name o. the y'eth you speok me
turn ceptin' got Il turn ticket? she said. "Al
aboard!" shouted the conductor She made a
dart for the train, saying: Bless my SOUL" I'll
git dar If it kills me, but de Lord only knows how
I'll get back, kase / got no turn ticket" and
the Goober moved gracefully ,oH.-NeWmdn (Ga)
Herald.
Col. GREssoM was q ahigh-toned southerner,
! who held his "honor" at a premium, but he was
a poor business manager and broke up. He had
trouble with one of his creditors, and fight was
imminent. One day q gentleman met him and
inquired: "Coonel, did you settle with that mud
sill?" "Yes, sab, l did, sab. My honah was ut
stake, sah." "Ah, am exceedingly glad to hear
you fixed him and came out in such good shape
How did you settler According to the code :"
"Well, no." replied the colonel, dropping his POM
posity on the ground, as it were, and stepping on
it, not exactly" "How then?" 81 Isettled with
him at 10 cents on the dollar and he was id glad
| to get it."-MerChdla Traveller. i.
"WHAT makes it cry sop asked the old
bachelor listening to the baby on the next block
waking the midnight stars with its songs without
words "What under the canopy makes 1t cry SOP
an othing" said the experienced father who had
his quiver iull of em, and was never happy un-
less he was rocking baby Nothing; 1t Just
makes that noise ten hours day naturally, vol
UNFAIRLY, and wthou effort, suggestion, assistance
or compulson. Nobody makes u baby cry. And"
he added, after moment of thoughtful silence,
during which the baby twice got up to high @,
nobody can make it stop crying either, until il
is cried out"-Burdsde, IN Lie.
THE bathtub waste pipe had clogged up,
and the family plumber was viewing the remains.
"This is terrible" he exclaimed. 'You didn't
send for me any too soon" Then he went away
and ordered the water turned of, Nextday he
sent around two men, boy with spirit lamp,
and wagon load of tools. The men dug up the
hydrant, after which they were compelled to go
to neighborng saloon and play seven up all day
for the champagne, and the boy had to go to u
base ball match and hedge few bets. When the
small bOv of tho hOusphold came homo from