Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1883-03-22

The Pacific must have been the bank
where the wild time grew. Does a
manned soldier make stump, speech
when he applies for an artificial limbP-
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
-. Poor fellow, he died in poverty -
said a man of person lately deceased.
g That isn't anything" exclaimed a
seedy bystander. 8 Dying in poverty is
no hardship. It's living in poverty that
puts the thumbscrew on a fellow"
Three thousand two hundred and
fifty fancy names for as many brands of
flour have been copyrighted up to date,
but not one man in fifty can tell whether
his biscuits are made, of 'tThe Highland
Rose or "The Matron's Pride. DE
trO5t Free Press.
There are in New York one thou
sand ragpiekers who are making money
SO fast that their granddaughter will
doubtless be leaders of society, while
their grand-sons will refuse to associate
with people who are sin trade. ''-PtiL-
ddei0hiG NetOS.
"A college paper claims. that writing
, college! songs seems to be a lost art and
complains greatly thereat. If it could
be definitely ascertained that no more
such songs as H'Bingo," ''Saw My Leg
orr ''Gocachelunk'' would ever be
written many hesitating parents would
pack their sons off to college instanter.
--Pucb. ~g . 1875.
"A sailor dropped out of the rigging
of ship of-war, some fifteen or twenty
feet, and fell plump on the head of the
First Lieutenant. ''Wretch," said the
officer, after he had gathered himself up,
''where the dickens did you come fromp'
"Ah, sure, came from the north of Ire
land, yer honor.-M T. NelOS. -.......
e Rival artists-Dupin was sitting at
the opera next to gentleman who was
necessarily humming a tune IN his ears
and be began to show symptoms of inn
patience. " What is the matter, sirP
You don't seem pleased. !" - g No; | ann
mad against that scamp of Duprez
to you. "-FIadTo. yy.@ aith f#
"A Hoboken woman says her husband
has beaten her regularly once week for
twenty years. Too many married men
are overworked in this world, and if they
don'tget a rest in the next it will be
pretty tough. A man who has beaten
his wife over one thousand times is GER
tainly entitled to holiday--ia jail.r---
NorrtstoaOp Herald. 5.,;.l,, .to ,,.......
Frank H. Norton, young scientist
of New York, claims to have discovered
a number OF new laws relating to plan
cts. This isa gratifying piece Of intelli4
gence. The old laws relating to planets
are pretty well worn and ,fraYed at the
edges, and it is quite time some new ones
more In spirit with the progress Of the
nineteenth century, were adopted for
their government It's hoped MIR. Nor
ton viii be able to enforce his new laws.
-NoTTEStO1css Herald.
The discipline Of the German army
is almost if not quite, perfect Il is
never relaxed under any circumstances
A Captain and a Lieutenant were on the
deck of steamship out at. sea for the
first time. '' How dOyou feel. Lieuten>i
ant?'' asked the Captain. g Very sick,
Captain" ''Why don't you use basin2 '' 4
asked the Captain. s.T would have done
so long ago, Captain, but l was waiting
for you to be sick first. would be court
martialed if / were to take precedence
of my ranking officer. VIII you ba
pleased to be sick first, Csptaing ''--
Teas STtsngs.