The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-06-06
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Wednesday, June 6, 1888.
COMIC coMMEN rs.

L
up or shut up with the umbrella RoSton
Commercial Bulletin.
Heaven help our hash Good bless
our boarding house has never been worked
in worsted -Neao Orleans Picayune.
Made himself comfortable: The man
who couldn't stand it any longer" has
taken seat and now feels quite comforta-
ble.-Hartf0rd Times
Non COMPOSE 81 see that Smith is
put in nomination. Is he non-partisan ?"
No, not exactly; think they call him
non-compos. "-Boston Transcript
Tactics and grammar Drill instructor
Ito recently Joined recruit -"As you were!
AS you were, mani" r. J. R." DANCED
if know where l were "-London Noon
shine.
in Julia's eyes {" / live in Julia's
eyes" said an affected dandy in Coleman's
hearing. 81 don't wonder at it," replied
George; "since observed she had sly in
them when I saw her last"
Slightly mixed Teacher" And what
was the reply when Cambronne was called
upon to surrender" Boy (slighty nlixed)
1.-THE old blackguard dies, but never sur
renders l"-Boston T1unscript
Answer to correspondent man
writes to IN editor for four dollars because
he is SO terribly Short" and gets in reply
the heartless response: edo as do; stand
up on n chair. "-Boston Globe.
Newspapers of some use Whoever
doubts that the newspapers have a mission
should enter q car and see how useful ,they
are to the men when a fat woman with n big
basket is looking around for seat -Lo,oeN
Citizen.
Floating expenses: Jones calls his last
summers yachting expenses-which he
hasn't paid-his floating debt" He in.
tends to reduce it as soon as he has any
quick assets-that is, as quick as it's posi-
ble.-Boston Adoertiser
The difficulty Health journals say
that to retain n sound constitution n man
must lie on the right sido. Yes but which
is the right side? Every lawyer, preacher
and editor in the country thinks the side
he is lying on is the right one. - Teras Sift-
mgs
"A bit about beauty: " Well she isn't
my style of beauty" was the contemptuons
remark of the lady with the snub nose.
SO perceive" said Mrs. Blunt. As there
was no chance for an argument the sub
iect was dropped instanter Boston Tran
script.
Comparisons are odious: Miss Ethel
ION donkey)-"I wonder what language
Balaam's donkey spoke2n Sister" Oil
the same as Balaam spoke-Hebrew, sup.
pose" Miss Ethel" Hebrew And l
find even French SO difficult. - London
Punch
IA classical item: The remark of the
pious Eneas, the classic exclamation, q" Hor-
resco referens ~ shudder to relate" is
supposed to be the prototype of the modern
expressions, II should blush to murmur,"
81 should litter to CALCULATE" etc.-EoioeN
Citizen.
Room for all Perhaps / haven't
been 30 lucky as some," remarked Brown,
but for all that there's lots OF people who
would like to stand in my shoes" "And
no doubt they could all do it," said Fogg,
with glance at Browns thirteens. - Boston
Transcript.
"A happy family: ~ suppose" said
the man in the easy-chnir, "that my wife
and are the most contented couple you
ever saw. We never quarrel about any.
thing She is always willing to get up in
the morning and build the fire, and am al
ways perfectly willing to let her"-Bostcn
Transcript
-Reproof' A wealthy stock broker,
passing along the street. surprises ten-year
Old urchn with his hand in the stock
brokers' pocket attempting to perform the
handkerchief trick. You young scoun
drei!" he exclaims with severity, "are you
not ashamed of yourself to steal--at your
agef"-Pais Paper.
No grounds for it: az am sorry to
hear of your uncle having drowned himself
at sea-" said Gilhooly to an influential citi-
zen of Austin, who wore q sad look and
Grape on his hat eyes, it was very sad.
did he have any grounds for it p How
the mischief could he have any grounds for
1t out at sea- where the water is a mile and
half deep ?"-7eras SJtiags.
A virgin forest: The London Times
printsIthe following palpably imaginary
story of "a certain Irish NJ Pr who had
been describing his travels in the far west
and the virgin forests there "What is
virgin forest p asked an editor "Phwat
vairgin forest is it ye whant to know? A
vairgln forest sorr, is one pwhere the hand
o. man has niver set fut, bedad,"
Nothing but humor: 81 tell you,
said the red-nosed man, "that because a
man has little color on his nose it's no
sign that his habits aren't all right. I'm af-
hieted that way, but it's humor, gentlemen,
nothing but humor." This was received in
due solemnity. 1t was Fogg's whispered
remark, "a humor to drink at all times"
that made the boys smile. Boston Tran
scdipt
-Alrs well that ends well wish wa
the trapper and was tied to the stake, going
TO be burned alive by the Indians" said
little Johnny Fizzletop, who was reading a
dime novel on the sofa. Why do you
wish to be in such horrible predicament ?''
asked his mother. because, in the last
chspter. the trapper scalps Jeewhilikins Jim,
the Jumping Jack of Juniper Jungle,
and his Indian allies, ana carries off White
Fawn, the lovely maiden, in triumph to his
mountain fastness." :" think there is too
much fastness, anyhow. about the boys Of
Austin" remarked his mother, thoughtfully.
---7eras Siftings