The semi-weekly miner. [volume] (Butte, Mont.) 1882-1886, 1883-06-13
Lost His Electricity.

A"ot ~" ~A~A
cago Beard of Trade man to another
as he appeared on the floor.
30, only q little blow out, on the
occ .sion of the t%wenty-ffth anniver
sary of our wedding. l beg of you
not to mention it, as 1 suppose
made the most colossal fool of myself
that ever vas since Adam dug angle.
worms in the garden of Eden, and
put them in an old tomato can and
went fishing for hullneads. 1t makes
me ache to think OF it., and l am
sick"
Well, tell us about it in conf
dnnce," said the friend, winkiHg at a
few other fellows around a -four
table on the floor of the main room.
IF it is in strict confidence, I don't
mind" said the victim, as he took
off his plug hat and wiped the per-
sDiratiOn from his bald head. You
see, l don't believe in parties at all,
and would go TO st. Louis at a mo-
ment's notice if I knew there was
gaing t be a party. My wife knows
this, and she seldom goes out. I
have SO much business that 1 don't
think of anything else, and to go to
q party, where you can't talk about
wheat, makes me sick. Why, 1
went to a party two years ago, and
talked with the women two hours on
fashions and things, and 1 got 20
a friend had to take me to
the smoking room, and I think 1
would have died if a friend had not
taken compassion on me, and bought
10000 May wheat of me, right there.
I couldn't have lived five minutes
more. Well, Monday my wife said
that the next day was our twenty
fifth anniversary, and wanted to
know if we couldn't have a little
party. l kicked on it in a minute
and told her I would give her a
check for q thousand dollars to get
ANYTHING she wanted, but for
heavens sake not to have q crowd of
people around to drive me mad. She
took the check, ald that day and the
next she was driving around spend
ing it, and 1 thought it was a cheap
way out of the affair. Tuesday
night 1 went home, and she was as
smiling as a basket of chips and
dressed up to kill. After supper we
went to our room, and she asked me
il she wasn't as pretty as she was
when I married her, and l told her
she was. You know we have got to
lie some in our business. Then she
told me 1 better put on my dress suit,
and l flared up and asked her if she
had been inviting in a gang of peo-
pie, and she said no, but several
knew it was our anniversary and
they might drop in to congratulate
u.s.. So I went and harnessed up like
a dude, and perfumed myself, and
eombed the hair over the bald spot,
and looked like a 10 the bridegroom
cometh.' Then she said / better 70
down and light the gas in the pariOr, |
and I went down and scratched a
match on my leg. and the birthstone
fell off on the carpet, and L stepped
on it, and swore a little, and said
matches were not near as good as
they were twenty-five years ago, and
I made faeetious remarks aJout peo-
pie coming to a house prowling
around after cold victuals when
they were not invited, and my wife
said 'h-u-s-h,' and 1 took another
match and scratched it on my leg
four or five times, and 1t would not
20, and I swOre a little more, and
said 1 didn't believe there a. half
as mnch electricity concealed about
our persons as there was twenty-five
years ago, and my wife came in the.
room and pulled my coat tail and
said 's-s-h-h,' and finally I got a
match that would light, and when 1
went to turn the gas burner it
wouldn't turn, and then l said some
more harsh words, and burned my
fingers on the match and threw it
down and stamped on it. and was
going on to give my opinion of par
Ties in general and people in particu-
lar who did not know enough to stay
at home and let decent people alone,
when my wife. who had got up on a
chair and scratched a match heaven
only knows where, lit the gas. Well,
you could have knocked me down
with q crow bar. If there was one
person in the room there were a
hundred, and they burst out in a
oar Of laughter that shook the build
ing, and the chair my wife stood on
tipped over, aud she went down kerr
flumnux into a clothes basket full of
dishes the surprise party had
brought. O, I thought I should
sink, but 1 didn't have any sinker,
30 l floated around on the surface of
society. and every man and woman
was laughing. After my wife got
out of the basket, and a neighbor
had wiped the chicken salad Oft her
dress, where she had sat down in the
basket, and got the cream off, where
she had run her arm clear up to the
elbow in it, I tried to apologize, but
my tongue seemed Glove to the roof
Of my mouth. lust stood there and
perspired my boots full, and every
body seemed to enjoy it. The worst
of it was the minister of our church
sat within four feet of me when l
was talking about the matches, and
when l thought of my class in Sun
day school, and how the minister
had wanted me to be superintendent, F,
I felt sick. You know I am not a
bad man, Notwithstanding the bust
ness l am in, but when 1 saw the
pain on the minister's face, and no.
ticed how his wife looked at me as I
though she thought I was a South
Chicago rough, I would have sold !
May wheat at 80 cents and thrown
myself in. 1t was the worst case OF
confidence that ever was,
and I wonder that 1 am alive" t
"How did it turn out? Did they {
get mad at what you had said, and
20 away?" said his partner. 8
MAD? Did they 60 away? Not t
much. I will bet some of them are {
there yet. They took possession of 9
The house and had the biggest spread a
you ever saw. I opened up the wine Q
cellar to show that there was nothing q
mean about me, and We had a light !
ming time. 1 was ripe about 3 o'clock \
his morning, and my wife picked |
me off the banisters, and when I /
Rugged the minister and his wife a
" they went away, and wished them d
many happy returns, they had \
their minds about me and 8
hi ught l was a blue grass thorough v
,red. But that settled it. No more v
anniversaries for me. Lordy, how a
ny head jumps! How's wheat?" 81
And the man went into the wheat t!
ut as though he had been shot out of t!
cannon.-Peck's San. II
An Old Story in a New Dress. a