The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-04-25
Wednesday, April %, 1888.
COMIC COMMENTS.

for Boston We want? Faith, that whit an
hour ago, sorr. n--Har ard Lampoon.
Tho whole pork Or nothing Mistress
-" Were you baptized, Keziah, when you
were named ?" Maid" Law, ma'am, we
don't baptizo in our church we immerge."
---Hargayd Lampo0n.
Unsuccessful experiment A Michigan
man dreamed recently that his aunt was
dead The dream proved true. He tried
the same dream on his mother-in-law, but it
didn't work. Y. Eeening Post.
The Ohio man When an Ohio man is
in debt hard up, sick aud utterly discouraged
he doesn't commit suicide. He goes to the
post Office and gets letter informing him
that he has fallen heir to ,o0o.-Anon.
Against the grain: Widow woman Ito
chemist who was weighing grain of calo-
mel in dispensing prescription for her sick
child y" Man, we medina be sac schrimpy
wit; it is for pur fatherless BARN ~
London Punch
Disadvantages of honesty man al
Omaha found So on the street, and he ad.
yertised the find to the extent of 81 and
made the loser foot the bill. 1t is some.
times disagreeable to meet with an honest
an.--Detr0it Free Press.
Reformed; In learning that the young
Taupin had just received an inheritance one
of his creditors hastened to present his bill.
"Oh, don't let US speak of those things, y
said the young man, ~ have thrown veil
over the past "-French Paper.
"A quaint answer: minister was once
asked what he thought of his TWO sons, who
were both preachers. "Well," he replied,
George has better show in his shop
window than John, but John. has larger
stock in his warehouse. "-Hartford Times
"A conundrum "What is the differ
ence betwane the youths and the minis de-
partments at the big clothing shop?" asked
an Irishman of friend; and receiving no
reply, he continued: Because at the wan
buys me clothes and at the other clothes
me b'ys. "-Har0ard Lalnpoon.
The wonderful pie: A Pennsylvania
paper tells of family which has been pois-
oned by eating pie containing arsenic. 1t
seems like work of supererogation to put
arsenic into pie. A pie that cannot kill
family without the help of arsenic is a very
weak pie indeed. Boston Transcript.
"A journalistic weakness ooh, yes"
said the engineer, 81 had chance to be-
come hero by sticking to my post when
the collision came, but when / reflected that
my name would be spelled five hundred diff
ferent ways in the newspapers l changed
my mind and jumped. "--BwrHngton Haaek-
eye.
Helped him out II was all mistake.
A gentleman called to learn something from
the files, and rs he wasn't having very good
luck we called reporter and told him to
help the man out We were as much sur.
prised as anybody when the reported tack
led him and threw him down stairs. --B Boston
Post
Economy: Lieutenant" John, l have
noticed for some time that my shirts always
come from the laundry one week too late.
How is this ~ john" Excuse me, lieu
tenant, but your shirts are always SO clean
that think ii a pity to send them to the
laundry, and SO l wear them another week. VI
Flieg6nde Blatter.
Practical suggestion When man is
excited be is very apt to talk without think
ing. An Austin landlord called on his
tenant the tenth time for the rent. ]
havn't got any money" was the response
Well, if you hava't got money enough to
pay rent you ought to build yourself a
housen- 7'eras Sitti,gs.
A logical deduction Nottingham
"Look ere, Bin, if you amt careful you'll
be run in agin and get forty shillings or n
month this time" Inebriate-" Whatsh !
Forty shillings or month don't vanish
no month (hic), but vanish forty shilliugs
bad enough (hic) Sooner get run in the
better (hic) '-L0adoa Fan
"A gilded youths conclusion: Said tho
glded youth" What's the use of my kick
ng about the price my tailor sets on a suit
of clothes | used to do it, but one day,
after l had argued a couple of hours with
him, l suddenly thought that it was ridicu-
lous waste of time, as / should never pay the
bill, anyhow. Providence Journal
True wit They were discussing
Thackeray's English Humorsts. y who
was it, Miss Cutting, that said, True wit
never produces smile?" 81 really can't
tell you. Mr.. Quotation, but il seems to me
he must have heard good many of you
college men telling jokes or he'd never have
taken such dismal view of life. HARVARD
LdnlpooR.
Stupidity " l hope you will excuse
my stupidity, DOCTOR said q woman to an
Arkansaw physician whose professional
skill had been visited on her husband and
who had called again to investigate the con.
dition of the patient, "but l really didn't
think" "Your husband is much better
this morning, madam j" say, doctor,
continued the confused woman, that
don't know how to excuse my stupidity.
gave him the wrong medicine. '-Arkansalc
Traveller
49,