The Portland daily press., 1883-03-14
Uncle Remus in Trouble.


You all gentermens nee'n'ter ak me how
is" said Uncle Remus as he came in yes
terday-"you nee'n'ter AK me, kaze Pm
poly en- mighty poly at dat" Uncle Re-
mus's manner Of anticipating the usual cor
dial inquiries after his health attracted at
tention, but no one said anything. Every
member of the editorial staff appeared to be
deeply absorbed in his work, Uncle Remus
waited moment and then advanced to the
crate and proceeded to warm his hands.
''Look lax de mo- I try ter git long de
wuss off u.s." the old man continued after
a while, st bin Twin out dar at Wes' Een'
year 'fo' las en- las year, en- sot in fer to
live out dar dis year, but eff day amt a
mighty big change in de moon, or somer's
else, be bless eff kin stay dar twel Febbe4-
very. You taken give man de speunce
wat l got, en- / boun' he'll up'n say dat
niggers amt got no chance in deze Nunine-
ty States"
''Who has been troubling you now?"
some one asked.
"'Taint no wife folks,'' Uncle Remus re-
piled. ''Pll say dat faint no wife folks.
Dey got der biEness fer ter look after same
ez es. Let lone dat wife folks Amt got
much mo- chance dan de niger, en- niggers
amt got none. Dat de way de case slams
des ez sho is youer settin' dar."
Here there wss pause, so Uncle Remus
searched around in his pocket for a chew of
tobacco.
Presently he went on:
"Fus' yer come de McComic en- sot over
agin de mernin' star, den de elements tuck
en- turn dey self loose, en- den de cole we'd
der crope up on me, en- now, bless gracious,
yer come long folks en- say de woods is full
of deze yer hy-enuss creeturs er some yuth-
er, kinder varment wat / amt kotch de
name un. Whar Mars WINS Howell?"
The old man was told that he was in the
editorial dressing-room, just across the hall.
Uncle Remus sighed, but did not enter the
boudoir.
''Dey tells me-" he continued, .sdat dat ar
varment got out dar in Mars lvins's back
yard en- chawed up beef leg des like folks
chaws up er sody cracker, en- den he tuck
en- fan out dat ar greet Inlish NASTY, des
same ez eff she'd bin one er deZe tarrier dogs.
Now den, of Mars Ivins'll DIES up an tell me
outn his own mouf dat dat ar creetur is SER
VICIOUS huff fer ter han'l dat ar big nasty
dog, den Pm gwine back home en- fling my
doin's in dray en- leak out fun dar, kaze
Wes' Een' amt no place fer ole cripple mig
ger like me.
HIT done got ter dat pass whar sumpin'
n'er got ter be done, en- dat mighty quick.
Miss Sally, she speck hits des one er dem ar
Ktu-Kluckers, but Miss Sally seeh er cuse
wife oman dat dey amt no tellin' wen
she's runnin' er rig on you, en- mon dat,
wat de name er goodness make de Klu-
Knockers run round on he all-fours en- paw
up de groun' in Mars Ivins's backyard?
Dat wat wanter know"
"Why don't you take gun and go out
and kill it?" somebody asked.
"Who? Me?" exclaimed Uncle Remus in
a tone of mingled derision and astonish-
ment. "Bless yo' soul, chile, eff dat cree
tur'll des femme lone much eZ do hit, dey
won't be no kinder 'spute twixt us. Too
much room in desc Nuninety States fer ole
Remus fer ter be elbowin' up gin dat cree
tur.
Sis Tempy say she seed it, Sis Ferraby say
she seed it, en- Sis Minty say she seed it; en-
den yer come Brer Rastus en- say he seed it,
en- Brer Plato say he seed it. En- fun de
time dat Sis Tempy seed it twel de time dat
Brer Plato seed it, hit done crowd LEVIN
foot. Dat wat make / SO skeerd. Dey all
does mighty funny" continued Uncle Re
mus, shifting his weight from one leg to the
other. ''Dey meets it in de bushes en- dey
looks at it, en- den dey gors off en- tells folks
bout it. boun' you dat eff l meets dat
creetur, I'll wake up de neighborhoods. I'll
des take en- fetch squall datll make de
chickens crow in Chattynoogy.
Sis Tempy low dat it look so thin in de
flank en- so keen in de quarters dat she
speck hits sperrett. Oh, you kin laugh
exclaimed Uncle Remus, as one of the staff
fastened to hide his face behind the Spring
field Republican; s'you kin laugh, but eff
dey's any laughin' in dis kinder dizziness, I'd
er done foun' it out endurin' er de seventy
year wat bin a-scuffiin' long in deze low
groun's. Sis Tempy, she low dat she speck
it's a sperret, en- Brer Rastus, he low dat it
mount be witch. You go out ter Wes'
Fem, en- you kin see de entrenches yit whar
folks got kilt. Des es shoz youer settin'
dar deys quare gyines on und de canopies
after folks is done gone ter bed"
What do you propose to do. if it is
witch?' The statistical editor asked
II done druv hoss-shoe in de bed-pos',
en- | burns salt in de fer, en- seq my prar's
out loud eve'y night er de worl," replied
Uncle Remus, seriously, ''but seem lax de
creetur amt etrin' en- now Pm gwineter
change my progrance. Pm gwine in dat
place thar, en- Pm gwineter ak Mars WINS
Howell bout it, en- If dat creetur Is bin
cuItin' up in his backyard, den I'm
gwineter go home en- load up my ole muskit
plum TO de mouf, en- if does year a stick
crack, Pm gwinter open de do and shet
my eyes en- lam alOose, en- lay eff dat Greet
ur is made out,n flesh en- blood, I'll make
I'm show up. Des put dat in de paper, kaze
eff any niger gets hurried close by my house,
wants ter git de law en- de a'yertisin' on
my SIDE"
Whereupon Uncle Remus marched tri-
umphantly into the editorial boudoir.