The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-07-07
WIT AND HUM0R.


What is the worst thing about rich
esp" asked teacher Their scarcity,
replied boy, and he was Immediately
awarded prize.
A Northern crank made out that the
Texas meteor was foretold in the Bible.
After that he heard there was 70 metz
or. He would have kicked himself if he
had not been too religious.
Another survivor of Balaklava is dead
in England. Thus they are falling, the
noble six hundred" by the ruthless
hand of Time. BY the end of the CEN
fury, probably, there will not be more
than nine hundred of them left.
Much of the trouble in married life
originates in disputing who shall carry
the pocket-book. A young Philadelphia
husband got around this trouble by let
ting his wife carry the pocket-book while
he kept the money.
In the Isle of Man the rich are said to
be very arrogant toward the poor, but
there is no tariff on alcoholic beverages,
and the inebriate of limited means has
the satisfaction of being able to get as
blind drunk rs the richest man on the
island. -.
"When new railway is to be built in
America" says an English paper, "the
first thing they do is to break ground,
which is done with great ceremony.
The next thing is to break the share
holders, which is done without cere-
mony."
The Crow Indians put rocks into the
bales of hay that they sell to the govern
ment. As the Indian agents used TO
put rocks into their sacks of flour, we
excuse them. 1t is gratifying to know
that there are some things the Indian
can learn from his white brother.
Somerville takes the first price for a
tender-hearted man. He is so sensitive
that he can't bear to see or hear his
wife saw wood, and when she tackles the
bucksaw in the cellar he puts on his hat
and walks out of the house. SOmer-
ville Journal.
A light haired young Englishman af-
hicted with an impeachment in his speech,
entered chemists shop and said: 81
wa--wa-want some pa-pa-pa.w,,pas-
tiles or ip-ip-ip-' 'Hooray!' ex-
claimed the chemist. quite out OF pa
tience. Fats Dirers.
"Well," observed l4-year-oid boy,
knocking the ashes off his cigarette and
Throwing down printed catalogue Of a
valuable private library to be sold at
private sale. "Well. he must have been
dry old stick. Five thousand books
in his library, and not single dime
novel about Injuns or piruts among EN-.
Williams.
A philosopher who had borrowed
some money to pay for his nights lodg-
ing at a hotel, woke up in tho night and
saw a person climbing through the win
dow. With admirable nonchalance he
said to the intruder: Look here, my
friend. you'll get into debt if you rob
me; for YOU won't find anything but I'M
receipted tailors bills in mypockets."
MIR. Jones, I think | will have to
raise your board said hundred
and-twenty-n nth street boarding-hOuse
keeper to q gentleman whose appetite
seemed to increase every day. 'Ah,
thank Won very much for your kindness
in raising my board. have been un-
able to raise it myself for some time y
During q conversation upon politics
one of the company remarked philosoph-
ically: 1T is a pity everybody cannot
view these matters as impartially as
do. No matter what the government,
so long as it is good acceptit it; but you
don't hear me believing everywhere.
Live so and so!' That isn't my liner
81 know it isn't, Responded another
guest, "you'r re doctor. y
Unrequited advance-Old flame Tin a
tone of tender melancholy to an old fogy
whom she regrets having rejected when
he once made her an Offer -'Do you
think. Mr. Buckthorn, we shall meet
those we love in the next world?" Old
fogy-.' perhaps, ma'am. And, let rs
hope, in that part of it where they
neither marry nor are given in mar
riage. '--London Punch.
A writer in Denver paper the other
day in describing Colorado Canyon. at
,cmpted to say: "Gaze up and down
! the 70 Ky jaws and you imagine the
world mas opened its mouth to eat :,
planet, and grind it with mountain
molars.' After the Intelligent compost
tor had got in his work there was less
boldness in the figure of speech, mas
much rs the world was made to open its
mouth 'to eat peanut.
John Mitchell, the Irish patriot, was
asked by friend while here if he had
ever viewed Niagara Falls from the
Canadian side. He replied in his broad
accent: "No, sir; I've too much respect
for my neck to indul re in any such Curl
osity. As the Queen keeps such sharp
eye on me, view of the falls from that
side would doubtless insure the prospect
of another fall which might not prove so
enjoyable TO me-"
Two young animal painters are dis
eussing their latest productions: Il had
quite talent for bulldogs" says one,
.'bpt I've had to give up painting EN-.
You see, it was such an internal bore tn
have to keep the live dogs from spring
ing on my dogs and tearing them to
pieces II had rather a gift for bull
dogs" says his companion. but Ihad to
give up painting them. Ii was too much
trouble to keep the dogs from springing
out of my pictures and tearing the live
animals to pieces.
IL -