davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
Conundrums.

How did Queen Elizabeth take her
pills? In cider.
What holds all the snuff in the
world? No one nose.
AT what time of day was Adam
born? a little before Eve.
What relation is the door to the
door-mat? a step father.
When is a cake inhabited? When
there is little Indian in it.
Why is door like colored wo-
man? Because it's an egress.
What is it that poor man has and
rich man wants? Nothing.
How was Moses put in the ark OF
bulrushes? He was pitched in.
How did Adam and Eve get out OF
the garden of Eden? They were
snaked out.
Why do white sheep eat more than
black sheep? Because there are
more of them.
Why is dew like falling star !!
One is mist on earth, the other
missed from heaven.
Why was Cowper, the poet in debt
Because he "oh'd for lodge in some
vast wilderness"
What is the difference between the
North and South pole? All the diff
ference in the world.
Why is a lawyer like restless
man in bed? Because he first lies on
one side, then on the other.
Why is conscience like the strap OF
an omnibus? Because it's an in
ward check on the outward man.
Why is a lady at ball like an ar
row! because she can't go off with
out beau, and is in culver till she
gets one.
What is the difference between a
fool and mirror? The fool speaks
without rejecting, and the mirror
reflects without speaking.
Why are hens immortal? Be-
cause their sons never set. Why
have they no hereafter? Because
they have their necks twirled it this.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13

TIE ADV.iNrAGEy OF BEING 4 BOZ
At the Railway IN. J.) gramma,
school Adolph Jacobs, aged 10, com.
posed and read the following compost.
ton on "The Advantages Of Being 9
Boys" lLE4 bib
"A boy is generally born when he i.
very young, and gets to be man before
his mother. A boy is not so skittish as
a girl. He takes a mouse, which would
scare his sister half to death, and ties q
string to its tail and swings it over his
head. Then he is in his glory, and laughs
at his sister, who is looking for knot.
hole to hide in. He wears no lace bibs
or corsets, petticoats or skirts. A boy
possesses ten times more cheek than 0
girl, but If he ever does any mischief he
owns up to it with bright and smiling
face. Girls are u great deal of trouble
to their parents, who have to keep them
until somebody falls in love and marries
them. Not so with the boy-he takes
cares of horses, works In the mines ani
raises Cain. ALI that girls do for exer
else is to make dolls chemises and Gro.
chet work, while the boy, the spark Of
mankind, is putting up some job to play
on his teacher, or playing the glorious
game OF baseball. Hurrah then, fol
the boys. They are the standard bearer
Of the world 70
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13

GAS THAT poor man in New Hamp
shire died of smoking, l don't know n
l ought to press you to take this cigar,
said a visitor to reporter. 81 can 40
cept it," said the scribe, as he reached
for the Victoria. o stranger to news
paper Offices, adding: "a fellow whc
has written up deaths from arsenic il
wall paper, from chicory in coffee, from
eating canned articles and from inlialine
sewer gas will die a natural death. -
Boston Globe.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
EXCHANGE sC1NT1LLATIoNs

Barnum's 525 pound fat woman
was found dead in her bed few
mornings ago. Her husband, young
Moses, who weighs about 80 pounds,
probably rolled on her in his sleep
and smothered her.-State Journal.
Pistol-carrying seems fated to be
disgraced. Law and society are both
so down on the practice that it seems
the flowers can't even carry a pistil
without stigma being attached
Bowling Green Gazette.
A petritied oyster has been found
by Charleston, S. G. man. He ex-
poets to make fortune this winter
by renting it out for church social
stews.-Kentucky Democrat.
TWAS modest and unobtrusive
Lexington girl who wandered about
in the large crowd at the dog show
Yesterday asking in pleading, dulcet
tones for somebody to please tell her
"where the 'terrier-cotta' dogs were"
Commercial.
An Arkansas editor announces his
determination to retire from journal
ism and gives as his reason that he
has the govt. He is the first editor
of whom we have any knowledge
who has ever been similarly effected.
Good living is said to be the preface
to govt and where this fellow con-
tracted any such habit is Il mystery
too deep to solve.-Park City Times.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
sENl'Vssyly SOUTH gEN!v.yIAy.
NASHVILLE STREET,
HOPklNSVILLE, KENTUCKY
CLUB LIST.

We will furnish the fol lowing papers and Pc
riodicals with the SEMI WEEKLY SOUTH KEN.
TucKIAN at the subioined cheap rates:
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
"THE SUPERL4TiVE" DR. PUBLIC
DINNERS.
dpOiis RcUicU

once attended dinner given to O
great state functionary by functionaries
men of law, state and trade. The
guest was q great man in his own coun.
try, and an honored diplomatist in this.
His health was drunk with some 40.
acknowledgement Of his distinguished ser.
vices to both countries, and followed By
nine cold hurrahs. There was the vic.
ious superlative. Then the great official
spoke aud beat his breast, and declared
that lie should remember this honor t.
the latest moment of his existence. BE
was answered again by officials. Pity,
thought I, they should lie SO about theil
keen sensibility to the nine cold hurrahs
and to the commonplace compliment o.
a dinner. Men Of the world value truth,
in proportion to their ability, not by its
sacredness, but for its convenience. OF
such, especially of diplomatists, one has
right to expect vat and ingenuity Il
avoid the lie, if they must comply with
the form. Now, l had been present, &
little before, in the country at a cattle
show dinner, which followed an agricult
ural discourse delivered by farmer
the discourse, to say the truth, was bad
and one OF our village fathers gave al
the dinner this toast: '"The orator o.
the day his subject deserves the atten
ton of every farmer" The caution O.
the toast did honor to our village father
I wish great lords and diplomatists hat
as much respect for truth.-Ralpj
Waldo Emerson, in the Century.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
idiot bow at Clouelnnd

An idiot boy at Cleveland, Ohio,
has been rendered intelligent by the
application of electricity. The people
of Cairo should focus all the telegraph
wires in the city on the heads of their
editors and see if the electric current
will perform the same grateful sur
vice for them that it did for the Buck
eye young man--Paducah News.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
A LIKELY yTORY.

A nurse was telling about man wht
had become so terribly worn out by dis
sipaion that lie could not keep any foot
on his stomach, when one Of her listen
ers asked:
"What does he live on, them"
son his relations. ma'am," answered
the nurse.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13
MEACHAM & WILGUS,
Hopklnsyille, XIV.
OUR JOB OFFICE

complete do all kinds of job work
with neanesS and Dispatch the lowest prices specially
Anchor Square and Satchc Bottom Bags Also Paper Flour Sacks
Orders by mail promptly attended Give your
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13

Farmers wishing to be successful
with sheep should guard them against
exposure. But if in sheltering his
sheep the farmer exposes himself and
catches cold, lie must use Dir. Bulls
Cough Syrup.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13

"FoUR hostile newspaper men" sait
the First Napoleon, "are more to b,
dreaded than 10O, 900 bayonets.' Cai
it be that Nap. did not pay for the loca
notices he had Published, and in whir
he was spoken OF as Zone OF our mos
genial. etc.. ETC.
Semi-weekly south Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1883-1889, 1883-11-13

HAPPINESS is roadside flower, grow
ing on the highways Of usefulness
plucked, it shall wither in thy hand
passed by, it is fragrance to thy spirit
Trample the thyme beneath thy feet; b,
useful, be happy.
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
Small Feet, or Bio Shoes.

The following is from Harry NJ.
Kieffer's Recollection of Drummer
boy in st. Nicholas: There was an
other poor fellow, a very small man,
who had received very large pair of
shoes, and had not yet been able to
effect any exchange. One day the ser
geant was drilling the company on the
facings-right face, left face, right
about face-and, of course, watched
his mems feet closely to see that they
went through themovements promptly.
Noticing one pair of feet down the
line that never budged at the COM
mand, the sergeant rushed up to
the possessor of them, with drawn
sword, and in menacing tones de-
manded:
"What do you mean by not facing
about when l tell you? III have you
put in the guard-house.'
"Why, I did, sergeant p said the
trembling recruit.
"You did not, sir Didn't watch
your feet2 They never moved an
inch"
"why, you see" said the poor fel-
low, "my shoes are so big that they
don't turn when do. I go through
the motions on the inside of them"
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
Fun with Sharks.

They have great deal of fun on the
coast Of Florida with sharks. A
shark viii swallow anything that is
thrown to him, like politician. People
90 out on excursions, armed with
small alarm clocks, about as big as
baseball, and throw them to the sharks
which sport about the boat, looking
for something to eat. The shark
swallows the alarm clock, which is set
to 60 off few minutes later. Pretty
soon the alarm strikes, and as it
gets in its work, the shark begins
to founder around, looking scared,
trying to throw up the clock, and as he
turns pale and says his now lay me-"
all the time jumping out Of the water
and begging to be forgiven. the people
on the boat laugh until their sides ache.
1t is rough on the shark, at first, but
we understand some Of the sharks get
to like it, and many have been known
to flop out on the shore and 20 to a
iewelry store and ask for a key to wind
up the clock that is in them. This last
may seem like a fish story, but we got
it from witness in the star route
trial, and it seems as though it ought
to be true.-Peck's Sun.
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
The HOME DOCTOR
acpt

CURE FOR FREcKLEs.-It is said
the careful application of a small piece
Of the ointment Of the oleate Of copper
at night, upon retiring, will usually
remove freckles. The oleate copper
ointment should be prepared By dis
solving one drachm of the salt of oleate
Of copper in sufficient oleo-palmitic
acid to make soft ointment. .
Low BEDs.-The use of the low
bedsteads, with the trundle-bed, ignore
a great and important principle, that
near and on the floor viii be found the
most poisonous gases, the carbonic
acid Of the sleeping-room, since this is
heavier than the air, falling and flow
ing into lower parts of the house, like
water. 1t is cruel enough to put the
children in a room which is already
occupied by a sufficient number OF per
sons-two are without put
ting them, at the time when they are
growing, and need every possible favor
able condition. where they continually
breathe the wcrst air-all of it being
filthy enough-malaria DR. Hama
ford.
INGRowNG TOE NAIL.-This pain
ful annoyance may be easily cured
BY sprinkling the toe, especially that
part where the trouble is, with
sesqui chloride Of iron. Powder
the toe with it and wrap it up in bit
Of rag upon retiring. Omit night
and repeat. This treatment for four
or FIVE nights will easily curethe worst
case. Mu-h Of this trouble Is due To
the way the nails Of the feet are
trimmed. The nal should always be
cut straight across, the corners never
being clipped off, as such a treatment
tends to make the side of the nail grow
into the flesh. If the nail shows any
signs of growing down a notch cut in
the end viii tend to draw it cut, and
frequently this VIII cure bad case
without other treatment.
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
POPULAR SCIENCE.

Horses at rest have normal pulse
Of about forty beats a minute; oxen,
from fifty to fifty-fve beats; and sheep
and pigs, from seventy to eighty. A
material change from these rates may
be considered as an indication of dis
ease.
1t has been ascertained by Mr.. G. o.
Boutelle that the magnesium light, as
used by the United States coast survey,
an effective night signal for distances
as great as forty-five to seventy miles.
Even the ordinary student lamp with
a parabolic reflector may be seen as
much as forty miles away.
Under the illumination of an electric
lamp photographs have been made Of
the human vocal organs in the act Of
singing. The pictures obtained are to
be used by two European writer's
Herr Behnke and Mr.. Lennox Browne
for illustrating a forthcoming work
on the mechanism Of the human voice.
Mr.. J. Sarbo, the naturalist, OBJ
serves that the Bos gaurus (the Gaur)
and the Bos frontalis the Gayal) will
be found to be the wild OK of Assam,
and that the latter is not strictly a
wild animal, but a semi-domesticated
piece of property owned by several
wild tribes from Assam to Arracau.
Mr.. G. E. Bessey estimates that
parasitic fungi damage the wheat,
oats, barley and Indian corn crops Of
the United States to the extent Of at
least s50,0OO,O0O to slO0,OO0,0O0 annu-
ally. He therefore insists upon the
great Importance of thorough inves-
tigation of destructive fungi by the
department Of agriculture.
The Photographic Ne1cs proposes to
attach a small-say half-pound-
camera (provided with funnel to ex-
clude surplus light) to big kite, and
thus obtain bird's-eye photos Of coun-
try for military purposes. "With
proper handling and in right weather,
kite could be kept quite steady;
there would be none Of the gyratory
motion, which is the chief impediment
to photographing from balloon; and
the angle of elevation Of the kite need
not be so great as to distort the OBJ
jects reproduced beyond recognition of
unpractieed eyes"
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14

The accidents, fortunate and unfort-
unate, that have occurred within the
practice of celebrated surgeons, about
whose skill there can be no two opin-
ions. would fill a volume. An English
surgeon says: Dupuytren plunged a
knife into mans brain and relieved
him Of an abscess in that situation,
snatching him from the jaws Of death;
yet he killed a patient whose shoulder
joint he had set by lancing an aneur-
ism in mistake for a simple gathering;
and for every such accident which has
happened probably hundred might
be found, were the truth known, that
have been prevented only by what we
are accustomed profanely to term
"sheer luck or "chance."
1 was once clinical pupil Of great
London surgeon-one who even then
was quoted universally as the greatest
authority on the disease Of which the
case am going to relate was an in
stance, and whose public appointments
had long testified to the general recog-
milton of his talents. In one ward of
the hospital he had a patient who, he
told us, was suffering from abscess in
the region of the hip; carefully demon
strating this to us, rs he was won't to
do, and explaining how such disor-
der was to be diagnosed from other
things with which want Of due pre-
caution might cause it to be con-
founded. He then ordered me to get
ready his instruments and chloroform
by the bedside, as he proposed toincise
the swelling when he had finished his
round Of visits in the hospital and pro-
ceeded on his way; but before he re-
turned the man suddenly and mystic
riously died without a movement or a
groan. There was a post-mortem ex-
animation, Of course; and it was then
found that what had been taken for
abscess was in reality an aneurism,
which had burst itself internally, and
caused instant death by loss of blood.
An aneurism is a localized dilation
Of an artery, which goes on increasing
in size quite out Of proportion to the
blood vessel itself, so that the sac may
be as big as an orange-as it was in
this case-or even larger, upon an
artery no bigger than goose-quill.
The chief danger in such tumor lies
in the possibility Of its bursting at
any time, and to lance it would, Of
course, be almost necessarily immedi-
ately fatal.
Gentlemen" said the professor, as
the mystery was revealed, and the ter
rible position from which he had SO
narrowly escaped became apparent,
"the French have a aproverb that there
is special providence for drunkards
and children. l say there is a special
providence for surgeons n
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
Dark Rooms.

While absolute darkness destroys the
eyes-as in the case Of the eyeless fish
of the Mammoth cave-dark and dis
NAL rooms must impair the sight,
Hence those occupying such rooms,
and who have special occasion to use
the eyes much soon find the light to
fail. This results, in part, from the
fact that light stimulates the sight
its absence failing to develop thepower
and partly from the additional effort
to see, of course taxing and weakening
sight. The sunlight in the room, in
deed, may fade the carpet and effect
some other trihing results, but all of
them are more easily remedied than
deficient sight or the utter loss Of it, 50
likely to follow this foolish fashion of
excluding the sunlight. And while
we remember that this same light is
one of the purifiers, absolutely neees-
sary to health-animal as well as veg
etable-to attempt to exclude it from
the rooms most occupied or to shun its
healing influences is unwise in the ex-
treme. The absence of it is too well
known in its results in vegetable life
to demand evel reference; and yet
animal life, if possible, is still more un-
favorably affected. This light is as
free as the air, while as a remedial
agent it is of the utmost Importance.
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
spIaxed Eest.

An orthopedic surgeon in New York
has published statement that the
number of splayed feet in the country
is increasing rapidly. "A splayed foot
is one in which the arch of the instep
is permanently broken down: the foot
Is fiat, ungainly and weak. The cause
he attributes in the main to high
heeled shoes. The whole weight Of
the body thus falls on the small bones
of the center of the foot, which stretch
like the. span of bridge from the
piers of the toes at one end, to the
high, peaked heel at the other. Other
causes Of spIayed feet are the habit
among little girls Of excessive jun ping
the rope. and a like immoderate use Of
roller skates Moderate use Of either
is Wholesome exercise, but it should be
moderate.
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
SOMEBODY'S SECRET.


Somebody and I, in the moonlight,
Went down where the golden-rods grow |;
He told me beautiful secret,
That nobody ever will know;
For I'll keep it we'll
never will tell
The secret he whispered SO low.
he told the sweet story so softly,
It did not cen waken Bird
The katydids kept such chatter,
do not think they could have heard;
But they'd never tell,
know very well,
No, not if they knew every word.
The moon and the stars heard the secret,
know by the smile that they wore;
They winked at each other so slyly,
I'm sure they had heard it before;
But they'll never tell,
know very we'll
They've heard it too often before.
For It's said the story's an old one;
But that will never confess
IF old, it keeps up with the fashion,
And oftentimes wears new dress;
And I'll keep it we'll
never will tell
The secret--I'I leave you to guess.
-. z. Mackau. in The Continent.
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-06-14
NUMBER AZ.
FUN.

Drowning men catch at straws, and
% do thirsty men.-Ecery Saturday.
Two men were blown up BY dyna
mite, and acruel joker who saw them as-
:end remarked: "There they go-twc
for ascent.
The crushed strawberry color that
was 50 fashionable for time has been
succeeded by a shade called spilled mo
asses Siftings.
a pretty woman in a hardware store
announced that She wanted masher
when all the clerks made a rush toward
ler to offer themselves, but retired de-
noralized when she calmly added ~
potato masher.r
7 don't like to have my husband
;hew tobacco" remarked a young
married lady, +" but 1 put up with it,
for the tin-fol is just too handy for
anything in doing up my front erimps."
-iSomey0jAe JosunaY.
Elderly philanthropist to small boy
who is vainly striving to pull a door
bell above his reach-"Iet me help
Fou, my little man" (PulIs the door.
bell.) Small boy" Now you had bet
ter run or we'll both get licking n
Limitation clam fritters have been
introduced in New York. They differ
from the old variety in being a little
less tough than sole leather, and man
doesn't need teeth like cross-cut saw
in order to demolish one. They are
probably made Of cast-off overshoes.-
NOrristoaCn Herald.
"Have you seen the latest thing In
blankets? ?" sad old Flocke, rushing
into the dry goods editors room. ~Sh-d
think 50; weighed about nine pounds
and the weary scribe dipped his pen in
mucilage and tried to jam his paste
brush into long bottle with a rubber
tube.-Boston Bulletin.
Lady friend-@so you ..ry <omx
to graduate next month, Celia? Dear
mel what time of it you must have
l suppose you are nearly tagged out
Celia" Oh, dear, no; mamma hires
dressmaker and she does all the sew
ing All 1 have to do is to try on, YOU
know" Lady friend" YES; /
see."-BOston Transcript.
When young man says his girl i
worth her weight in gold' he is not
putting a very high valuation upon
her unless she is a vesy heavy girl. AT
this rating 120 pounds Of girl would
be worth only about s3O,OlO, and any
young man who doesn't think hs best
girl worth more than $4,000 ought to
oe kicked clear over the front gate by
an infuriated parent AVID have the dog
set after him.-MiddEetoscn, Tran
aeript.