Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-11-22
Irish Wit.

On one occasion Judge Porter, a popu-
lar Irish magistrate, in pronouncing
the sentence of the court, said to a no
torious drunkard '.You will be confined
in jail for the longest period the law
will allow, and | sincerely hope you
will devote some portion of the time to
cursing whisky" by the powers /
willr' was the answer; land Porter,
too
A steamboat passenger not finding
his handkerchief readily, somewhat sus-
piciously inquired of an Irishman who
stood beside him, if he had seen it,
and insinuated a charge of theft; but
afterward finding the said article in his
hat, began to apologize. ''Oh," said
Pat, ''dOn't be after saying another sim
gle word; it was a mere mistake, and
on both sides, too. You took me for
a thief, and | took you for iintleman."
Il engaged" said burly lawyer,
"a chaise at Galway to conduct me
some few miles into the country, and
had proceeded some distance. when it
came to a sudden standstill at the be-
ginning of a rather steep incline, and
the coachman leaping to the ground,
came to the door and opened it.
''What are you at man? What are you
at, man? This is not where / ordered
you to stop. Has the animal jibbed?"
whist, yer honor, whistr' said Paddy
in an undertone. I'm only desaving
the sly haste. I'll jist bang the door;
and the crafty ould cratur will think
he's intirely got rid of yer honor's
splendid form, and he'll be at the top
of the hill in no time
The following are few instances of
those amusing plumbers, proVerbially
termed ''bulls"
On the edge of small river in the
county of Cavan, in Ireland, there is
or used to be-a stone with the follow
ing inscription cut upon it, no doubt
intended for the information of strang-
ers travelling that way: IN. B.-When
this stone is out of sight, it is not safe
to ford the river"
But the above is almost if not quite
surpassed by the famous post erected a
few years since by the surveyors of the
Kent roads, in England: This is the
bridle-path to Faversham. If you can't
read this, you had better keep to the
main road. p"
In a debate which took place ia the
Irish House of Commons in 1895, Oh
the Leather Tax, the Chancellor of the
EXchequer, Sir John Plunkett, observ-
ed, with great emphasis: THAT in the
prosecution Of the present war every
man ought to give his last guinea to
protect the remainder. Mr.. Wanda
leur said: However that might be, the
tax on leather would be severely felt by
the bare-footed peasantry of Ireland"
To which Sir B. Roche replied that
this could be easily remedied by max
ing the under feathers of wood. -
The following is from the latter por-
ton of an extremely affectionate poetic
epistle, addressed to an Irish maiden:
I'm yours to command, both in weepin' and
I'm awake all the night, that of you 1 may
dhrame;
I'd hang meself now, if you'd marry me
afther;
And though may change, I'll be ever the
same.
A Dublin advertisement informs us
that an Irish doctor has taken a house
in Liffey street, where the deaf may
hear of him at all hours; but as his
blind patients see him every day from
ten till four. they must come at some
other time. And the following bill was
once presented by farrier to trades
man in the town: For intirely curing
your black pony that died, immediate
payment is requested of one guinea"
An anecdote is also related of pro-
fessor, whose pupils making too much
noise, felt called upon to remind them
of the fact, and said: Gentlemen, if
every one of you will do me the favor
of remaining perfectly silent for a few
minutes, we shall be better able to dis
tinguish who the individual is that is
making the row." which is quite equal
to medical report which began thus:
There exist at the present time great
many influential families in Dublin who
have all died of the cholera"
Even in the making of will these
little peculiarities present themselves:
Il give and bequeath to my beloved
wife Bridget the whole of my property
without reserve; and to my eldest son,
Patrick, one-half of the remainder; and
to Dennis, my youngest son, the rest.
If anything is left, it may go, together
with the old cart without wheels, to my
sincere and affectionate friend Terence
Mccarthy, in sweet Ireland"
Another illustration is afforded by
the reply of young candidate for the
office of teacher. Archbishop Whately
was endeavoring to elicit the candi-
dates idea on the market value of labor
with reference to demand and supply,
but being baffied, the prelate put
question in this simple form: IF there
are in your village two shoemakers
with just sufficient employment to en-
able them to live comfortably, or say
tolerably, and no more, what would
follow if third shoemaker set up in
the village?" ''What would follow,
sir?" said the candidate, ''why, fight
to be sure"' which was likely enough,
but it was not the reply the reverend
prelate looked for