The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1883-03-28
FLOATING FANCIES.

A new novel is named Zone Word"
1t is unnecessary to state that the author
is Il man.
The notion of having your house con-
nected with the church by telephone is
utterly absurd. Hou's your wife to see
bonnets by telephonea
Sloughterby says his wife hasn't done
very much shopping this winter, though
she did go down town the other day to
buy muff '.just to keep her hand in.'
The young man who called on his girl
the other night and nistook the cat fora
chair cushion and sat down on it, says
he had no idea a eat could come up to
the scratch on such short notice.
Up to the present time the ground-hog
is the most successful weather prophet Of
the year. The goose-bone ranks second,
and it is nip and tuck between Virgins,
Vennor and the muskrat for the third
place.
II wish,n he said, THAT my father
had been miner and my mother
laundress, that my sister had run away
with a circus rider and that had a mil
lion, for then I'd be somebody in New
York society,"
General Cook, of Georgia. went to a
UOp SHOW Ill w asul11S lOH tiiC 0tnC1
night. lit reminds me of congress-
he said. "because the little dogs make
all the fuss, and the littler they are the
more fuss they make
A Judge having fallen asleep during a
trial, lawyer x. suddenly ceased plead
ing and exclaimed: 81 will wait until
His Honor wakes before finishing.'
But" answered the opposing counsel,
''perhaps His Honor will wait until you
have finished before waking
The travelled liar is now telling about
the terrible "man eating tree" Of Nubia.
| We never saw a tree eat man up, but
| we have known a single tree to chase a
horse five miles, and nobody could guess
what might have happened had it
caught up with the flying animal.
A keen student of human nature must
have written the following. when
you see a young man sailing down the
| street shortly after midnight with collar
mashed down his neck you can make
UP YOUR mind there's young girl crawl
ing up stairs not far distant with her
shoes under herarm and an extinguished
lamp in her hands,
A popular doctor of Utica while escort
ing a lady home the other evening, at
tempted to relieve her cough and sore
1 throat by giving her troche. lie told
her to allow it to dissolve gradually IN
4 her mouth No relief was experienced
and the doctor felt quite chagrined the
! next day when the lady sent him pam
1 7talUon button with q note saying lie
/ must have given her the wrong kind OF
a troche, and might need this one.
The young man Of the present day
does net get left very much in conver-
sation with girls. Detroit ChoH tells the
following: "A tony young man OF this
city escorted couple Of equally tony
girls over to the Russell house the other
dav. When the party had arrived at
the top of the stairs leading to the parlor
one of the girls dropped her silk umbrel-
la, which slid clear down to the bottom.
The yeung man started down after it,
and Just then a Nportly and near-slgh1ed
old gentleman came waddling down the
hall asking everybody he met II they
had seen the hack-driver who was to
come after him at o'clock. Just for
the fun of the thing the girls directed
him to the young man at the bottom OF
the stairs, and the old gentleman
charged down on him with, Here, you,
why don't you have my hack on time
as YOU promised?' The young man was
staggered for moment, until he saw
the girls giggling, and took in the situa-
ton. Then he arose equal to the emer-
,, gency, and replied, Oh, I'm not the
hack man; I just came down to have g
little fun with those two waiter girls up
;, there He will have to send the UNI
, brella home by mail now.'
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