The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1883-08-17

WHY WE LAUGH.
The heated term-"You're liar"

The heated term--"You're liar!"
Aman who breaks his word-The stutterer.
None but cruel person would "kick" at
q young mans moustache when 1t is down.
representing him as modern Jove defying
Presidential Lightning,
Light through darkness: His Honor; care
you guilty or not guilty?" Prisoner: aspects
Use guilty, sab; but I'd like to be tried all de
ssme.-Columbia Spectator.
A New York man has had his head frac.
tured by bath tub falling upon him. This
will teach MIN hereafter not to fool around .
contrivance with which he is not familiar
Lo,ceU Citizen.
A Cape May dandy changes his suits FIVE
or six times day. He wears corsets, and
pantaloons So tight that, though his legs are
thin enough, it Is thought his feet must
screw of an on.-Phu. Times.
A Western paper says: "Ssm Weldon was
shot last night In the rotunda BY Henry Par
sons" About the worst place man can be
shot, next to the heart, Is Ia the rotunda. II
invariably proves fatal.-Norristo'on Herald.
A lion tanner quarreled with his wife, o
powerful virago, and was chased by her all
around his tent. On being sorely oppressed
be took refuge in the cage among the lions.
"Oh you contemplate coward p; she shout
ed; "come out If you dare !'-From the
French.
Some wicked paper suggests that the gates
will have TO be very much ajar to allow
David Davis to enter. Yes, and they want
to be mighty careful and close the gates af-
ter David gets in or some person will drive
bus load of Democrats in while the gat es
are sjar.-Peck's Sun.
Manipulating the mercury: "What's that,
John? Is that the stage ceming?" asked the
summer hotel proprietor Of thr porter. "Yes,
sir, guess IL Is" "Then hurry up and put
some ether under the bulb of that tnermom-
eter on ths porch. They will be here pretty
quick and we must have 1t down to Is At
least. ."-Lo,cett Citizen.
Somebody put small nud-turtle abou,
the size of silver dollar in bed at Q New
Jersey hotel, and stranger who was assigned
to that room Oh preparing to retire, caught
sight of IL. He at once resumed his clothes
remarking: II expected to have q pretty
lively night. but II they are as big as that l
don't propose to get In with EN-"
"Who held the Pass of Thermopyle
against the Persian host?" demanded the
teacher. And the editors boy at the foot Of
the class spoke up and said: "Fa.her, l
reckon; he holds an annual on every road
In the country that runs passenger train?"
He went up head-after the rest of the
class went homes. II. Argona,t.
"What is that lying on your desk?" asked
Gus de Smith of young society business
man at whose Office he happened to be.
Those are my receipted bills that 1 have
just paid" "Receipted billsl You don't say
sor' exclaimed Gus, with animation. "Let
me look At them, please. / have not seen
anything of the kind in the last five years"
TerGs Sytings,
The smell of fresh paint in room may be
effectually gotten rid Of by placing therein a
pail of water In which few onions have
been sliced, says All exchange. Well, that
IS fine shape TO leave the subject In. Why
don't you tell how 10 get rid Of th- smell of
onions? Perhaps the best and most effectual
way would be to burn an old rubber boot in
tho room.-Pecks Sun.
Ella Wheeler says IN poem tha. it was
Sat the twilight hour" when "a dream
came 70 my hearts bolted door-s sad faced
dream, robed iD the garb of woe." If she
eats Ice cream and pickle just before retir.
ing, as many LIrls do, such dreams will sure
ly come loafng around her stern hearts bolt
ed door and she's lucky If they don't crawl
about her head and frighten the wits out of
her almos,.-Norr. Herald.
She leaned her head upon his shoulder and
said In her most insinuating tones: "Char-
ley, dear, I've heard so much about dudes I
want you TO get me oue." Charley smiled
at her innocence, but resolved TO humor it.
"Would you prefer French dude?" he asked
81 think not" she answered squrming coyly.
"How would German dude suit?" 81 don't
think it would suit at all. l don't under
stand German" "Well, what shall 1t be
theD?" 1t was her turn 10 smile as she said
with an arch look: "a Yankee dude III do"
brooklyn Eagle.
Verbatim copy of letter from an Irish.
man TO his son In Dublin: "DEAR Son: If
You are well when this letter reaches you
we are all we'll. BY the bearer, send you
my old brown coat get new one made out
of IL. Your mother sends TO you unbe.
knowing TO me, Eve pounds. | hope you
will not spend them foolishly; if you do,
Just tell you that you are silly goose,
ard remain your afectIonate father. p. S.
Your sister Sally wanted me TO tell you 10
send her n shell comb, but as / forgot 1t
this time and the letter was already sealed,
| will mention 1t in nv next"
You have the advantage Of me, said The
Cashier blaDdly. "You will have to get some
ohc ro idenl .fy seu." identify me? Why, l
sm Your SON, just hack from college for the
summer vacation" May be, may be-" an
swered the cashier, "but my sou did not look
like fool. wear cOckney hat, monkey tail
coat, skin-tight breeches, tooth pick shoes
nor did he suck cane handles. When my
wife returns from Europe next September
you might present your claims to her, and if
she decides you are our offspring shall DO
happy TO bid you an affectionate goodbye on
your return to college. In the meantime
would suggest that you earn your living by
hiring yourself out as tailor sign. Good
IL, 81