davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
iEtemus Ward to the Young Ladies at
the Seminary.


Artemus Ward after delivering lee
ture once in New London, Conn, was
asked by the principal of young la
dies high school in the place to pay a
visit 10 her institution the next day. He
went away like ''an amoosin cuss,' and
made the girls speech. While walk
ing to the academy street runaway
occurred. Aterrifed horse went tearing
over the pavement. with what Artemus
called "the fore quarters" of wagon
Gathering at his heels. This incident
Artemus ingeniously utilized in his adj
dress. Said he:
The vehicular elopement which has
just taken place. young ladies, has fur
nished us with timely topic of dis
course. Young ladies' seminaries are
ever exposed to run-aways. Once, when
travelling with my show, came upon a
female institute. There were ladders,
and lads too, as to that, at every win
dow. Manly perpendiculars carrying
fainting horizontals to the ground
s.Firer' / shouted. "None of that"
replied a solemn voice from the orchard.
There amt no fire; these are only
young fellows running off with their
sweethearts." There is moral enter
tainment for man and beast in this rum
away. No horse, if attached to wag-
on, that is, if sincerely attached to it,
will run away with it; but the more
young man is attached to a young wo-
man, the more he will run away with
her, leaving no trace, in fact none of
the harness, behind. Young ladies,
since l have stood before your beautiful
faces have lost something, and if you
or the boy that sweeps out should find
a red object looking like coral breast
pin that has been stepped on, you may
know it is my poor, busted heart.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
A Grand Duchess Offending.

The Grand Duchess Vladimir of
Russia, who is full of sparkle and wit,
found the court life of Gatschina in
suherably stiff and dull. duller even
than an ordinary English watering
place is to an English lady accustomed
to foreign travel. In letter addressed
to Partisan correspondent the caustic
writer turned the court circles of Cats
china into the widest fun. In order to
avoid mentioning by name her high
and mighty imperial relatives, the
grand duchess borr3ws nicknames
from zoology, aptly fitted to those her
caustic wit played with. The cat, the
rat, the mouse, the wasp, the scorpion,
the toad without the jewel in its head,
conveyed to her correspondent her
ideas of the people who buzzed or
prowled about her. or stung her feet as
she walked through the courtly circles
of Gatschina. As i'll luck would have
it, the letter, intercepted by Ignatieff,
was handed to the car, who in great
wrath gave orders for her quitting Rus
STA. The grand duke followed her, and
they are enjoying themselves in Paris,
where they have just met the prince of
Wales.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

A few weeks ago Detroit saloon
keeper got hold of the fact that a GER
tain customer of his had invested in a
lottery ticket, and on the night of the
drawing the saloon was filled with a
crowd to enjoy joke which the saloon
list was to let loose on his man. The
man with the ticket dropped in at the
usual hour for his beer, and while
drinking it, he heard the saloon-keeper
remark that ticket No. So, 256 had
drawn 5000.
How do you know thatP" was quickly
asked.
..Well, / also hold couple of tick
cts, and a friend of mine in Chicago has
telegraphed me the winning numbers. "
Lets see the telegram
1t was produced. 1t had been special
" prepared for the occasion and ap-
peared genuine.
Il hold that very ticketr' gasped the
citizen as he produced his wallet.
mo-"
Here it isr'
Congratulations were in order, and
only hint was needed to bring an or
der for beer and cigars without limit.
At the end of a grand hurrah the saloon
ist presented bill for S13.25, and was
met with the reply:
''See you later-too excited to make
change tonight
Yesterday the man of beer went to a
justice to see about suing the bill and
learned that his debtor was in Colorado
just how much he made out of the
Joke can't be figured until he gets over
kicking himself. Detroit Free Press.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
manitomof pilot.
THURSDAY, JANUARY IL, 1882.
Easily Satisfied.
tI aim ooinp fshing.

81 am going hsh1ng.
The August sun was beating down in
pitiless fury upon the brown bosom of
the parched earth, and uD from the
meadows that lay to the westward OF
Dapplevale the hum of insects and the
noisy notes of the grasshoppers came
with wonderful distinctness to Beryl
McCloskey, as she stood in the doorway
of modest little cottage, over whose
front the honey-suckles and morning
glories were climbing, their vivid hues
bringing out in all its beauty the pale
glow of the girls complexion, while the
little shafts of sunlight that found their
way here and there through the vines
overhead were not more rich in coloring
than the mass of golden hair that fell
over Beryrs shoulders.
They had been married nearly aweek
Beryl and George w. Simpson, and as
the girl nestled close to her husband she
felt an unspeakable joy, sense of
sweet content that could never fade
away or die SO long as he was. by her
side-his strong arm around her corset
And yet on this Sunday afternoon lit
tie feeling of disappointment-a sort of
I-am-not-as-happy-as I-was-a-week-ago-
Saturday sensation had thrilled her
soul for an instant as the man whom she
had vowed to love, honor, and possibly
break, spoke the words with which this
chapter opens.
81 had been hoping you would go
with me to Sunday-school this afternoon
darling" Beryl said, you are such a
favorite with the children and can man.
age them so we'll"
Yes" he replied, .sthat is very true,
sweetheart, but l am also unusually
handy with a fish-pole, and you know
the fish always bite best on Sunday"
"Do they?" she asked, looking up to
him with her pure young face; "how
funny"
1T is indeed ludicrous," George re-
piled, speaking with grave tender
ness that Swallowed what a lovely liar he
was, ''but we cannot fathom the myster-
ious laws of Nature. We can only ac-
cept them"
Suddenly George changed the subject
the village on my way home," he said.
us there anything l can get for you?"-
and he stopped and kissed the rosebud
mouth of the one woman in the world
who had ever won his love.
The little head fell on his shoulder
There was long, sweet pause, and
then Beryl, as if fearful that the ecstacy
which was thrilling through her would
suddenly change to pain if she dared
look up or move, said softly:
"Caramels.n
That was all. No need of explanation
between them, and, as George w. Simp-
son walked swiftly away with light
heart and a pocket full of bait, he felt
the one cloud in the rose-tinted horizon
of his life was liable to stay there.-Chi-
cQQO Tribune.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
A Great Oitv's Growth.

Last year 26,17O new houses, cover
ing length of eighty-six miles, Were
built in the metropolitan police area of
London, which now contains 4,7S8, 657
persons, the largest number, probably.
ever packed within fifteen miles of
common center. Out of this multitude
twenty-three children and 154 adults
were entirely lost. Their disappear
ance is one Of the mysteries of London,
upon which but little light is thrown by
the fact that fifty-four bodies of persons
found dead and unknown were buried
before Identification. There were three
times AS many people killed in the
streets of London in 1881 as it cost to
storm Arabs position st Tel-el-Kebir,
and ten times as many wounded, the
figures being, killed 252, wounded s.
400. There were 800 fires, 274 suicides,
II murders, and only three convictions;
40 burglaries and only 81 convictions.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
A little Alabama o;rl three vears nj,

A little Alabama girl, three years old,
on going to the window early one very
foggy morning, cried out, ''Oh, come
here and look, mamma! The sky is all
crammed down to the ground" Again
when watching the cook skin some
squirrels, her mother called to know
what she was doing, she replied. II am
seeing cook peel these catsr'
FREE OF Cosr.- All persons wishing
to test the merits of great remedy-one
that will positively cure Consumption,
Coughs. Colds, Asthma, Bronchitis, or
aIv affection of the Throat or Lungs
are requested to call at Robinson & Hin
richs Drug Store and get Trial Bottle
of DIR. Kings New Discovery for Con
sumption, free of cost, which will show
you what regular dollar-size bottle will
do.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
a Little Thing to Raisa a Crowd.


1t is laughable to see how little it
takes to raise crowd-or start story
in city street.
''Never you mind me-" said q bent
over old man. when asked what had
happened to him.
show did he get hurt?" asked a man
out of breath.
'.Did the horse step on him?" queried
colored man with spectac,es on.
''Where did the dog bite him? Did
they shoot the dog? Was it big dog?
Has he got wife? dthey live togeth-
er?' ratified woman made up good
deal like Widow Bedott
s'Come and see the man in fit,'
squeaked out bootblack, as he called
the rest of the brigade.
Look out, he's going to shootn' yell
ed big man with red whiskers; and
the crowd blew away like dust when
the old man slid his hand into his pock-
ct as if for a shooting iron.
Then he Strengthened himself and
started Off on his own individual bust
ness, muttering something about ''W hat
the mischief it was to them if he wanted
to sit down and take a peg out of his
shOe.h
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
Not, at Home.

There is young man in the pariol
wishes to see you miss" remarked the
hall door attendant
did he bring anything with him,
any box or parcel?'
.'Only cane, miss
Ibid his coat tails rattle when he
walked as if there was package of can
dy in the pockets?'
Nothing of the sort, miss"
'.Then tell him I've gone TO visit a
sick friend and won't be home for a
week. replied the fair girl. falling back
into a horizontal position and resuming
her perusa. of Truth Stranger than
Fiction; or, The Liar Unmasked. ~
Brooklyn Eagle.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

THE use of Elys' Cream Balm, a sure
cure for Catarrh, Hay Fever and Cold in
Head, is attended with no pain, incon-
venience or dread, which can be said of
% other remedy. Price 80 cents.
Apply into nostrils with little finger.
An invaluable article. An article like
Eiys' Cream Balm has long been desired,
and now that it is within the reach OF
sufferers from Catsrrh, Hay Fever and
Cold in the head there is every reason to
believe they will make the most of it.
DR.. W. E. Buchanan, W. E, Hannah,
Druggist, and other Eastonians have
gwen it trial. and all recommend it 10
the highest terms -Easton. Pc, Daily
Argus. Oct. 7, 1879.
am convinced that Elys' Cream Balm
is cure for Catarrh, Hay Fever and
Cold in head. Many cures have been
made among my customers. G. L.
FIRBY, Druggist, Towanda, Pa.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

. the brilliant Boston society to which
she is so soon to be introduced, and
where she will reign queen. She new
er talks on a subject that she does not
thoroughly understand.
Then the mother, relenting, laid one
hand kindly on her sons blonde head.
Never mind, Stephen" she said,
''thee is young enough yet. Though
Miss Winthrop said thee nay, and Lefty
belongs to another, there are still good
and fair women left on the earth who
will regard thee with favor. But,
Stephen, when thee goes a-wooing again.
remember and heed the truth of the old
adage. Between two stools one falls to
the ground"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
WHAT THEY SAY ABoUT rr.

Mess. Robinson & Hinrichs:-We take
this means of attestiug our high opinion
of Hinrichs' american Corn Cure. Our
opinion of its value in removing CO1Tas
and Warts is based on the fact that we
have used it and have found that it will
do just what you claim for it. As cure
for C0r,as aud Warts it is deserving OF
the highest praise. and we take pleasure
in recommending it to all who are af1ict-
ed, knowing that it will effect cure in
every instance.
Yours respectfully,
Fl. d. SMALLEY, Justice of the Peace.
HUGH MORRISON, City Marshal.
r. d SMART, County Judge.
G. III. SCHMIDT, Editor Nord Weston.
FRED. HEINEMAN, City Clerk.
G.. S. CANRIGHT. HENRY BURCHERDT.
A. d. SMITH. III. KLINGHoLZ, 2l1.
E. BRANDEIs ROYAL SNIFFIN.
JOHN PITZ. FRANK A. MILLER.
J. p. REINDL. VIM. RUNGE.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
A Rough Story.

A man in New Brunswick, having no
weapon and being attacked by bear,
struck him with bottle of kerosene,
which broke and the contents ran down
the animal like the oil on Aaron's beard.
The bear, not minding this at all,
sprang at him and began hugging him,
when the man, taking a match from
his pocket, set fire to the BEAR All but
the head and shoulders were consumed,
when, in order to save the snout and
get the bounty, the man carried water
in his hat and put out the flames.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
THE NEW YORK SUN.

More people have read THE SUN during the year
just now passing than ever before since il was
printed. No other newspaper published on this
side of the earth has been bought and read in any
year by so many men and women.
We are credibly informed that people buy, read
and hre he sun for the following reasons,
among others:
Because its news columns present in attractive
form and with the greatest possible accuracy
Whatever ha> interest for humankind; the events,
the deeds and misdeeds, the wisdom, the phios-
ophy. the notable folly the solid sense, the i'm
proving ne nsense-all the news of the busiest
at present revolving in space.
Because people have learned that in its remarks
concerning pa and affairs THE sun makes Il
practice OF telling them the exact truth to the
hest OF its ability three hundred and sixty-five
days in the year, before election as well after,
about the whales as well rs about the small fish
in the face OF dissent as plainly and fearlessly
when supported by general approval THE Sun
has absolutely no purposes 10 serve, save the in
formation of its readers and the furtherance OF
the common good
Because ii lis everybody's newspaper. No man
is so humble that J'hE Sun is Indifferent To his
welfare and his rights Nc is rich that ii
can allow injustice L, be done him. 30 man, no
association OF men, is powerful enough to be ex-
empt from the strict Application OF lis principles
OF right and wrong.
Because in politics ii has fought for dozen
wears, without interaiission and sometimes al
most alone among newspapers, the fight has
suited in the recent overwhelming popular ver-
dict against RobesOnism and for honest govern
ment. no matter what party is In power, The
SUN stands and wild continue to stand like i rock
for the interests 81 the people against the aR3bi-
tlon of hU>ses the eDcrO&chments ai m0noDoists
and be dishonest schemes OF public robbers
All this is what we are lG almost daily by our
friends One holds that TIE SUH is the best
religious newspaper ever published, because its
Christianity Is undiIuted with cant. Another
holds that it iS the best Republican newspaper
prin ,cd. because il has already whipped half OF
the rascals ont of that party. and Is proceeding
against the other half with undiininshed vigor.
A third believes il to be the best magazine of
general literature IL existence, because its read
cTs miss nothing worthy Of notice that is current
in the world O. thought. SO every friend of The
Sun discovers one Of lis many sides that appeals
with particular force to his iudividusl liking.
If You already know rnE sun. you will observe
that in 1888 it Il little better than before
If you do not already know The sun, you will
find it TO be mirror OF ali human activity store
and Imagination. mainstay for the cause OF hon
est government, d sentinel for genuine Jefferson
ian Democracy, sc0urye fer wickedness of every
species, and an uncommonly good investment for
the coming year.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

Too much pepper: One of the most
prominent preachers tells the following
anecdote as a fact whenever he hears a
story too incredible for belief: "A very
wicked man became converted, and in
course of time it came his turn to pray
in class meeting. Not being used to
speaking in public, of course he was
very much embarrassed. This is the
subject Of his prayer: On, Lord, Thou
Giyer of all good things, look down
with pity on poor people. You are rich
and can spare them plenty to eat while
on earth. Send every one of them a
full barrel of flour, plenty of lard and q
side of bacon, ham or so and pound
of butter. Send each one of your starry
ing, hungry creatures barrel of sugar,
a barrel of salt, barrel of pepper-oh,
hell, that's too much pepper. Amen"
-CenterUiUe (Hd) Record.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
Business Was Too Dull to Be Religious.

Business Was Too Dull to Be Religious.
Il vas shust dalking to Philip Fried
lander little vile ago, Misder Hoffen-
STEM" said Herman, as he entered the
store, ''und dells me dot his fader wants
to know Wy you don't come any more
around to de synagogue"
"Vell, Wy don't you say dot pisiness
vas too dull. How can | be religious,
you know, ven | don't make any profit
und lose money? Leon Bloomenburg,
vat borrows Won dousand dollars from
from me, goes last week und died NIT de
measles, und / Won't get anyding back.
Fiery time l lend money to man he
dies right away on my hands. Dere vas
Max Hornberger, across de street, vat
is selling dose doe-skin jeans bants at
seventy-five cents, ven dey cost me Won
dollar laid at the depot down. He vas
daking all my trade away, und | can't
waste any time, you know, Herman, at
de synagogue. My GRACIOUS, dis would
be a nice world if you wouldn't always
hat someding daking blaze vat Gifts you
drouble. If dere is any truth in dis pis-
eness aloud de dransmigration uf souls.
den | want to 60 into billy-goat ven I
die"
Ivy, Misder Hoffenstein?n
Because, Herman, billy-goat leads
de most economicalist und de happiest
life uf any animal in the world. He
don't hat anyding to do but eat baper
und butt. My old trent Bill Jackson,
vot used to If in Vicksburg, said dot
ven he died he wanted to be mule, und
hat chance to kick de stufling oud uf
some beople vot he knows. If | vas a
mule alder l die, den Herman you can
shust bet viii fix Max Hornberger." -
N O. Times Democrat
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
Stands Unriyaled,

Goes Cough Bslsam has reputation
that has stood mistaken for the past fifty
years. It stands unrivaled as cure for
Coughs, Colds and all pulmonary Com
plants. Every careful mother should
keep bottle of it in the house in case
of emergency, as cure for Group, for it
often happens that, in such cases, delays
are exceedingly dangerous. As you
value the lives of those most dear to you,
do not let another day go by without
providing yourself with this splendid
remedy. Only 80 cts bottle.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
Phalon's Night Blooming Cereus,

This celebrated perfume. which has
been SO popular for the past 20 years
still maintains its we'll deserved popular
ity. All Phalon's perfumes, Flor de
Mayo, White Rose, Wood Violet, &c :,
snd the Vitalia for restoring hair to it's
original color, as also the Hair Invigora
tor are made, with their original purity.
MYERS EXTRACT OF Rock ROSE cures
all diseases arising from impure blood.
Never fails.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

Miss Catherine L. Wolfe, the maiden
millionaire of Gotham, is noted for her
eccentricities and her odd bestowals of
charity. She lives alone in great stone
house on Madison avenue, with her
maid and half a dozen servants, and re-
ceives few visitors. She is very de-
vout Episcopalian, and no matter what
the weather may be on Sunday is as
regular in church as the rector in the
pulpit
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
RTCKLEN,S ARNTCA SAIyF

The best salve in the world for cuts,
bruises, sores, ulcers, salt rheum, fever
sores, letter, chapped hands, chilblains,
corns, and all skin eruptions, and posi-
lively cures piles. 1t is guaranteed to
give perfect satisfaction or money re-
funded. Price 25c pei box. For sale
by Robinson & Hinrichs. 16mar83
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

The London Times says that the late
Hans Anderson was in perpetual fear of
being buried alive, so that, when he
went to bed at night, he always placed
by his bedside piece of paper, on
which was written: Il am only appar-
emily dead" How Mr.. Anderson came
to put this Kentucky custom to new
use is not stated.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
s. B. SHERO0D.
EEN'L LAND AGENT,

Has for sale Farms and Lands in the Coz nt1es
of aanit0woc, Calumet, Brown Door &C.. Wis
Also lots and houses in the City of Manit owoc
Wis
Also, 5000 acres OF good Pine Lar ds in
Marathon. Chippewa Ashland. &c, counties Wis
Also about 1000. 900 acres of Burlina ton s.
No. River Il. II. Cos Lands in the Southern
part Of the State of Iowa and the Southes stern
part OF the State Of Nebraska, on 10 years time
with six per cent interest. Persons wishing to
buy or sell Farms. Lands and Lots. or wanting
20 employ an agent in any business OF land
matters, will please give a call, in person
9r by letter, at the Williams House, Manisowoc
Via. omarchT6iy
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
Terms To Mail Subscriber.

The several editions of The SUN are sent by
mail. pos paid. as follows:
DAILY So cents month, $6.5O year, with
Sunday edition, $7.7O,
SUNDAY-Eig ht pages, 81 40 ayear.
WEEkLY-$1 a year. Eight pages of the beet
matter Of tie daily issues; an agricultural De
partment OF unequalled merit; market reports.
and literary. scientific and dom stic intelligence
make The WEEKLY SUN the newspaper for the
farmers household. To clubs of ten with $40,
an extra copy free. jana
Address l. W. ENGLAND, Publisher,
TIE SUN. n Y city.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18

''MusT say it's the incest thing eve
used for the teeth and BREATH" Gays
every one having tried ''TEABERRY," the
new toilet gem Get cent sample. If