The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-03-16
WIT AND HUM0R.


One of the leaders of the Delaware
Senate is DIR. Mustard He draws well
and is reckoned very smart man.
The coming rage in hair is a soft and
tender red, like that of tomato which
has grown old and past usefulness
Life has no charms for the poor clerk
whose salary is mortgaged three months
ahead to pay for his wife's fur-lined cir
cular
One of the sweetest pictures of domes-
tic economy is poet backing a white
stocking so that it went show through
the fissure of his boot.
Enquirer-'Whatis the precise mean
ing of the word intermittent" Did YOU
never try to firt with woman in a
rocking chair at a Window That's it.
Overheard in the cloak room '.Did
she marry wellp' s.Yes indeed. He's
orth over million and drinks so hard
that he never can go into society, SO
she's not bothered with him.
A literary Vermonter who recently
tried the power of the human eye on q
ferocious bull is recovering from his
wounds and bruises but has lost all faith
in such mesmerism
He did not object to his daughter
joining a musical society, but gently IN
sisted that abbreviations were coarse
Philip Harmonic sounds much more
gently, my dear.
A Philadelphia man who,wantS to die
but doesn't want to disgrace his friends
by committing suicide, has engaged a
fifth-story room in hotel, and is await
ing his fate.
Sloughterby says his wife hasn't done
very much shopping this Winter, al
though she did go down town the other
day to buya muff 'just TO keep her hand
in.n
A Syracuse young lady has peculiar
mode of reckoning time on Sunday. Last
Sunday evening, about 6 o'clock, when
asked what time it was, she replied:
'sFive minutes of Smith.
1.-The Lord loyeth a cheerful giver, -
but there's no use chucking copper
cent into the contribution box so loud as
to make the folks in the back seat think
the communion service has tumbled of
the altar
A girl just returned to Hannibal, Mo,
from Boston high school, said upon
seeing fire engine at work: ''Who would
evah have dweamed such vewy dimin-
utive looking apawatus would hold so
much wattah!''
Wife-Can't you take me to the Blank
restaurant some evening, my dearp
Husband-No, darling, it is disreputa-
BILE Wife Then, dear, why do you
bring home its marked napkins in your
pockets?
They have nice old lady in South
Boston of the genuine Partingtonian va
riety.. She recently alluded to the i'll
ness of friend with, tsYou see he had
digestion of the lungs, and then it set
ted
Some genius has invented q machine
to play pianos. This will fill long-felt
want. When two young people of OPP
posite sex are in the parlor in the even
ing, the old lady don't begin to sannter
in until the piano stops.
A New York doctor says that small
feet signify a quick temper and an evil
tongue. Now everybody will be staring
at his wife to see whether her feet are
large or small, and no matter which way
the verdict is she won't be pleased.
Earnest Spinster-" -"Since you sympa-
thize SO much with the Blue Ribbon
army why don't you join us, Miss Mash
amp Frivolous Ditto So would, only
the ribbon is really such dreadful
blue!"
A fan, made of bank notes, was the
refreshing gift made to a Methodist
pastor at Newark, N. J., the other eve
ming. This method of raising the wind
should be adopted at all donation par
ties.
A compositor who was puzzling over
one of Horace Greeley's manuscripts.
sagely and savagely observed: ''lf Bel
shazzar had seen this handwriting on the
wall he would have been more terrified
than he was.
Il do wish you would come homo
earIier.n said a woman to her husband
81 am afraid to stay alone. | always
imagine that there's somebody in thC
house, but when you come know there
ain It.
There are twenty Greeks in Chicago
hence when they meet there are ten tug:
of war. The Secretary of the Navy
should buy up those tugs of war withou
delay, and then we would have navy
Texas SJtimgs.
When aCalifornia man sees mo cards
at the end of marriage notice of frienC
he remarks that that girl has put som'
of her pious notions into Jim head bu
he'll get over them after he has beer
married awhile.
4 6-year-old boy at Belfast, Me-, hai
very advanced ideas. He has a dol
which he calls his wife. Recently b,
was telling his wife his future plans AMI
remarked 'tBy and bye / shall beeom,
Mason, and then you won't see me un
til II o'clock at night. =
The young lady who madeseyen hun
dred words out of conservatory, las
fall, has eloped. We feel sorry for TIN
voune man; it is bad enough where ON,
word brings on another, but just thinl
of one word bringing ON seven hun
dred
1t is said to be the general custom, al
most. of the farmers in Montgomerl
county, Penn, to set their timepiece
from half to three-quarters of an hou
ahead of the correct time, because the
don't want to get behind with thei
| work
The following notice is posted at tn
| Harvard Law School: Twill the per
son who through mistake purloined m,
umbrella please return ii 20 its griei
stricken owner and shout the beer
All viii then be forgiven and forgot
ten
The Colored Methodist Episcopa
Church has more than 100, 900 members
The Shcnpao, Chinese newspaper
gives an account of man 81 years old
with thirty-two children-sixteen pair
of twins It is understood that Georg
Alfred Townsend win forward hi
- <f1<a Lhnaa Z,