Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1883-05-08
GOOD FOR SIX SMILES.
The Detroit Free Press Man and Boom
ernRg Nye.
HIS APOLOGIES.

HIS APOLOGIES.
A young lawyer in Detroit, who has
made all engagement to deliver hui
morous lecture in an interior village,
met with a domestic misfortune aud
was obliged to telegraph the fact that
helcOuld not keep the engagement.
Explain to the assemblage," he
added, "the nature of my misfortune,
and express my sincere regrets"
Next morning he received a tele-
gram from the committee reading:
1--WE showed him tue telegram, re-
funded his money, and he went off to
play checkers, perfectly satisfied with
your apologies"
The lawyer is trying hard to see
what "him" has to do with the "as.
semblage."
HE CALLED.
\ Detroit firm hired new book
keeper the Other day, and on the sec
Oud morning he failed to put III an APP
pearance until about 10 O'Clock. Then
he came to the Office in such 4 cOndi-
ton that the senior partner felt called
upon to say:
Sir, you are drunkw
"GeSh, shir," was the prompt reply.
"Do you suppose | want drunken
bOOk-6eeper, sir"
~ dOan' know, shirt doan' know.
ThaS was | called FIR this morning-tO
find out wheZer you want me to keep
sober all 'er time or drunk all 'er week
Perfectly within to 'blige, shir-per-
feckly williu'."
BETTER THAN \ BOOK.
A gentleman from the East who was
inquiring in q business place on Girls
void street for n State Gazetteer of
Michigan in order to look up some in
formation regarding all interior village,
dill not succeed in finding such a book,
but the occupant of the office replied:
aust wait a few minutes and you'll
get the information you want"
"Oh, don't trouble yourself to send
out for q book"
"Phat,s all right, sir. don't know
where I could borrow one if wanted
to, but | have an appointment at 5
o'clock with an actor who'll tell you
more about this State than any Ga
zetteer ever published"
"An actOrm
ayes, sir. He's played all over the
state, busted in every town of five hun
dred inhabitants, and while he may not
be able to give you the price of lands,
he'll certainly he posted on how to
stand off landlords and get back to De.
troit on thirty-seven cents worth OF
cabbage"
ITUOT TOO HOT.
Three or four years ago two residents
of the same town in Michigan, who had
always been the warmest friends, were
nominated in opposition for the same
Office. They had n consultation, and
agreed that while it was necessary that
each should call The other liar and 4
horse thief and a thorough scoundrel
for the benefit of the public, their per-
sonal friendship should not be broken
Everything went all right until the
| canvass warmed up, and then one day
as A. was abusing x. before meeting
calling him q demagogue, trickster, by
pOcrite, liar and so forth, B. mounted
the platform and whispered:
"Say, A, want you to ito me
great favor"
"Yes, of cOurSe-what is it,
"NIy side of the house is kicking be
cause | stand your abuse without a row
You must let me knock you down."
"But I thought we were to be tas
friends"
Certainly; but unless I exhibit ;
proper spirit you'll lay me out by sly
hundred majority, and know you d.
not want to lend ME to the politica
graveyard. Here l go"
And he hauled off and Knocked y
FOL MA
on the platform, observed:
Gentlemen, the hydra-headed OppO
sition must be crushed and the Jniol
preserved if it takes every drop OF bloot
in this country! Let freemen rally"
LEAVING ARKANSAw.
NO, sir, stranger, l wasn't driv OH
by the overflow of the river" he an
swered as he patched away at the ole
rope harness on his rack-ribbed mule.
"Iand owner close you out"
mo, sir. You see l didn't exactly
till any sile, and had no crops to fall
"Been cutting steamboat wood, may
heHn
Mary stick, sir"
We looked him over and none OF Il;
could make him ont. He was tall ant
gaunt and ragged. His mule was old
poor and discouraged. His cart was
cut out with an AK and dressed dowr
with a hoe. He halted in front OF the
olTl-fashioned Arkansas tavern, and II
was the landlord who put the ques
tons:
MAYBE you lost yer family 10y
swamp fever.
"Never had q family, SIR
"kinder prOSpectiu' for walnut, eh,
t'Nary a prospect"
stranger" said the landlord Ia 3
vexed tone, "maybe you've no objec
tions to tell this crowd jist how We cum
to be in SIGH redOoced circumstances:
You sartinly don't look purity, and
don't believe you're rich"
"Gentlemen,n said the stranger as he
turned his back on the mule, "Pd just
as soon tell We all about it. I'm q lv'
ing proof of the fac; that old Arkansaw
is no place fur heightened gentleman
or a first-class mule, and we are on ou1
way into Tennessee. This is purity
good kentry fur mule with stiff
knee or man with scrub eddication.
but when it comes down to Greek and
Latin and eatin' with three-tine forks
Arkansaw Is fifty years behind the
world. Mornln', gents-mornin', in
1h-oo Il; Harapt lapouappSW