The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1883-08-12
THE POLYGOPHONE.
A New Arrangement for Adjust
ing the Problem.
Editors Herald:

Editors Herald:
To live in Utah and not have a
theory on the solution Of the Nor
mon problem, is like living In a
hotel, and not having an idea of the
location of the stairway.
So far as 1 can learn, ] am the
only person who has not laid down
this plan in writing. Upon discov-
erlng this fact, L turally felt un-
easy, and so as not to be peculiar, l
offer my method, which can be cas-
lily understood, and readily applied.
These two points are the ones to
which | especially call attention,
because while everyscheme so far ad-
vanced is undoubtedly good, the au-
thors in most cases have overlooked
the importance Of their comprehen-
sibility,as well as their applicability.
think my plan is new. If you
discover that it ipfringes on q patent
belonging to any one else, you may
strike out that part.
[ have entitled the apparatus
with which propose to bring about
the solution of the NJ. P, as we will
call it for short, "The Great-Ameri-
can Religio Politico Mechanico :
PolygophOne," and have named the
company intending to operate it the
t. G. A. r. 2. Nj. 2. Co. am the
president.
The directors are all moral men
of high standing, and the shares are
for sale at $20219 per share until
further notice.
The capital stock of the company
is $4,000, 900, all paid up. There
will be no water used.
The monthly dividends will be
$500 per share. Our secretary will
not allow us to pledge ourselves to
any eXtravagant assurances, because
he says the effect is bad, and he
being a secretary by profession, is
hOnorably competent to have any
opinion he may need. AS 1 said
before, am the president. That is
sufficient.
Now as you well know, the chief
factor in the M. z. is the disposition
some Of the men have to divide
their affections c0nnublally, some
what on the plan of dealing in wild
Cat mines-taking a little stock in
each. They seem to think that as
marriage is a lottery, they are justi-
fed in this course, but this must be
stopped at once, or the United States
will Immediately become a bowling
wilderness, or words to that effect
Our Polygophone will soon settle
that.
To illustrate. We procure a hall
centrally located, and at stated per
iods the officers meet and adjust the
apparatus.
When everything is ready we
start the machinery as follows: We
select 1000 men VINO never had a
lustful desire or said CT did an i'm
proper thing toward women. at a
signal given by the president each
OF the men throws into the hopper
of the mill,
One Bible,
One prayer-boOk,
One stone,
One vote,
One dollar.
The stones are duplicate of the one
not thrown by the sinless men at
the SavlOr's request.
The Bible is for effect; the prayer
book is for the benefit of the COM
pany; the vote is thrown away, and
the dollar goes with the prayer
book.
The secretary has charge of the
books, and the president has charge
of the secretary; SO the matter is in
safe hands.
The machinery starts and the
thousand contributors are requested
to watch the results. They all look
into the hopper, when voice I'M
der the floor cries out: sob ye pure
| and holy ones Here are lot of in
jured women who deny your purity!
Come down at once, or you who
have sworn to purity shall be con-
fronted with the ones whose souls
and bodies you have stRinedr' l do
the voice buSiness-the voice does
their business.
This settles it. Out they all go j..
We are $1,000 ahead, besides the
prayer book and the Bibles, which
can be sold again.
The machinery we get through
eastern parties, so there is no risk
Of losS-tO US.
We purpose holding these seances
regularly until we have acquired a
few millions, and then we will
start the PolygophOne in earnest.
The G. A. Il. p. NJ. Polygophone
is operated thus: The president
turns a small crank to the left, and
a wire uncoils and attaches itself to
the first pOlygamIst IN its path, and
then and there establishes home
station.
1t acts as a teles hone, telling
every detail Of the mans experience
in polygamy. 1t hears everything
desired, organizes q vigilance com
mittee, hangs him and retures to
the cOmpany's Office to be again
started on its mission.
While this goes on, the secretary
/ touches a small knob. and another