Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-09-03

A pair Of slippers-the orange and ba-
mana skins.
Watermelons are here, and the popula-
tion will soon double up.
Red is the natural color of a young
baby, but afterwards it becomes yeller.
"I'm sitting on the style, Mary" said
a new bonnet.
The thief who stole watch at pub
lie meeting excused himself on the plea
that he twas merely taking minutes of
| the affair."
Men are ruined in the west by lard and
| in the east by petroleum. The modern
history of Greece will be interesting to
posterity.
Total abstinence must be prevailing at
the seaside resorts. No report of the
sea-serpent has appeared in any of the
papers yet.
/ President Arthur is said to have sixty
| pair Of shoes. Gentlemen who would
like to be in Mr.. Arthurs shoes are prob
ably persons of great leisure.
The reason Thanksgiving comes in No
vember is because flies, mosquitoes and
soda water are things Of the past, and
people are mighty thankful.
The moralist says: ''Every man is oc-
casionally what he ought to be perpetual
| ly." Then again some men are perpetu-
ally what they ought to be only occasion
ally.
''The difference" said Twistem, as he
thumbed his glass on the bar, "between
this glass and a locust, is simply that one
is beer mug and the other is a mere
bug"
''What is true bravery?" asks a New
York paper. 1t is going to the door your
self when you don't know whether the
caller is dear friend, book agent or
man with bill.
A thrifty farmer took his son to the
doctor. eff you can cure him for less
than funeral expenses" he said, "why go
ahead. If you can't, sonny will have to
take his chance"
Governor Butler has gotten whack
back at Harvard college by clubbing it a
s'dude factory" When it comes to a
whitening invective Benjamin bears the
palm all by himself
Yeast was invented in the year leven ;
gambling in the year won; pianos in the
year forte; astheticism in the year too; p
the German negative in the year "nein," :"
and free lunches in the year ''ate."
Sick-headache patients are recommend
ed three glasses of lukewarm water, to
be swallowed in rapid succession, and to
be followed Immediately by glass of hot
mustard water The effect is at times
very beneficial and quite astonishing to
the uninitiated.
Have you anything to say against the
testimony of the witness?" asked Tex
as judge of man accused of horse-steal-
ing. "All I've got to say is that the wit
ness has got prejudice against me and
is determined to ruin me. I introduced
him to his present wife and advised him
to marry her, and now he is playing for
even.''
'sFacts are stubborn things said a
barrister to female witness under ezam-
ination. eyes, SIR" said the witness,
stand so are women, and if you get any
=.
thing out of me just let me know of it. .
'sYoull be committed for contempt" said
the lawyer. every well,'' said the wit
ness, II shall suffer justly, for l have the
utmost contempt for every lawyer pres
ent."
A medical journal tells about a young
man in Vermont whose brains have dried
up until they rattle like shot in a gourd
every time he shakes his head. Since his
case has been made public he has receiv-
ed more than fifty offers of a position as
clerk at seaside hotel. But his friends
as long as he has brains enough left to
rattle.
A passenger on western railroad was
shot in the abdomen by train robber,
and the bullet was found lodged in a
sandwich he had eaten at railroad res
taurant only ten minutes before. The
leaden missile was flattened out as thir
as silver dime, and the man was expect
ed to recover. If it had not been for the
sandwich the ball would have gone clear
through him.
Gentlemen-Your Hot, Biters have been OF grea
value was laid up with typhoid fever fo
months and could get relief until triet
your Hop Bitters TO those suffering with deilit,
any one in feeble health. cordially reeommens
them. JIG. Stoetzel, 6s3 Fulton ST., Chicago. ILL.,