davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
A Big Country.
"Gath" In N. Y. Tribune.


What Chief Justice Coleridge said
about the great size of this country moi
being tasteful boast is clear to any man
of travel here, who finds in the short
journey oftwo or three days that he can
be captured by bunko man, scalped
both in Chicago and further along, and
finally deliver up his watch in Missouri.
Consider how the size of the country
gives rise to Mormons to the amount of q
nation in one spot, practicing polygamy
and prophet worship; to a crusade for
temperance in one great state while the
next one cares nothing about the subject;
to reputation in Tennessee next door to
vendetta all over Kentucky; the gam.
blers running st. Louis and no railroads
permitted in the Indian territory; Mis-
souri, making a duke of Wellington out
OF Frank James, part of the states leasing
their convicts out to their governors and
senators; local option in Arkansas; and
the governor of Dakota fighting the whole
state capital; man whose trial cost the
government tens of thousands of dollars
ruling ranch as big as Wales; Denver
as large as York or Derby, and the man
for whom it was named alive and OBJ
scure. The extent of this country will
long prevent its full homogeneity, and no
man is fully known over the entire land
except p. T. Barnum.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

what good will be had for dinner in the
dining cars, arc simply thrown away.
They are as ignorant as those seeking
the information.
Rubber pillows, that can be inflated or
emptied in moment are rcses in the life
of the traveller and should be among the
first articles purchased for comfort for a
journey.
"Scalpers" belonging to the Ticket
Brokers Association are as safe and re-
liable as a bank, and can often save the
tourist a handsome discount.
Too much caution cannot be used
when putting the head out of the win
dow OF moving car. Never look back,
but always in the direction the train is
moving.
Under no circumstances should lady
in a large city, especially at night, enter
carriage or hack without male escort
in whom she has confidence.
Valises during travel should always be
kept locked. They voluntarily open, fre-
quently at a time when the owner wish
es he was in Halifax.
When checking baggage be sure that
the duplicate is identical in number
and letters with the one upon your bag
gage.
Xsnthippe's disciples are to be met in
everv day travel. Avoid them, and make
no bad breaks"
Yielding your seat in the ear or omni-
bus to the aged, infirrn, or ladies, will
always heighten your respect for-yoor'
self.
Zymology too often in the cars has q
living exponent. tie should be made
to feel the shame others feel for him
and taught the s,netity Of the ladies
| car.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
PROFOUND GRIEF.
The Bereaved Husbands Interview with
y Reporter.
s -.
Brooklyn Eagle.

y Reporter.
Brooklyn Eagle.
"Don't you think those are pretty nice
looking remains?" asked bereaved hus-
band of an Eagle reporter who had
stepped in to put the funeral into an
item.
"She looks very well, indeed" replied
the reporter in a subdued tone.
"How do you like the casket and the
ixings? To my notion those flowers are
a little something out of the general run
I didn't get many, because they came
high, but think they look pretty well
neat and not gaudy, as the devil said
when he painted his tail sea green
Don't you think so?"
"Assuredly," returned the reporter.
II went in for the whole business, "
continued the mourner, wiping his eyes
1--WE had an autopsy and they finished
her off with the prettiest stitches you
ever looked at. Talk about a tailor
My idea was to have her wear q low
dress TO show them stitches, but the chill
dren kicked and let 'em have their
way. ! don't see any use of going to all
such expense if you are going to get no
credit for it, do your"
"Where do you bury herr" asked the
reporter. evading the delicate question.
"Oh, well bury her all right" replied
the bereaved. I'm going to do the fair
thing right through. ! have bought a
grave in Greenwood but we will put her
in the vault for a few days. say, can't
you go to the cemetery with us? I'm
going to make the cussedest row you
ever heard A good many people think
have no emotion, but Pm going to
make those people no sick at the house
and again at the grave that they won't
dare have funeral when any of their
people die. You want TO be around
here when ] tune up, and IL don't
make you think the deceased left for
tune I'll give you one say just stay
till it's all over, so as to sec what the
W'pic tiilh vi Iuc, anu lCl lIf hnOW
what they say, will you? don't mind
$5 on an occasion like this"
would like to-" said the reporter,
edging away "but I'm too busy"
"Well, you do it up in good shapo, and
III drop down after the funeral and see
you. I've got some business down town
and we'll talk il over. Don't forget to say
that such grief was never witnessed be-
fore, and you might wind off by saying
that the poor husband refuses 10 be re-
conciled, and there is reason to fear that
he will soon follow his wife to the silent
tomb. That is worth glass of beer. if
you ring in right, and lust want 10 har-
row up the neighbors. Will you do it,"
And the reporter promised, and the
mOurner went off satisfied that he was
going to get from newspaper the JUS
tice denied him by his neighbors, and
for which he was willing to go a. high
as S. and glass of beer.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

"Yes," said and turned my eyes on a
tall raw -boned creature sailing towards us.
supported by little man with sandy
whfsken and red top boots. Here
comes the boss"
"How?"
"The boss, ! say; amt she a lovely
chimpanzee?"
"A what?"
"Chimpanzee,"
He glared at me a moment, and then
reached for his revolver.
"What is chimpanzee?" he growled
fiercely his red eyes growing larger.
s'w 'hHi had male some mistake.
- Ia lcucl /. explain.
"Why-why," stammered backing of
"A chimpansee is lovely creature found
in Africa-nothing 30 gorgeously beauti.
full as chimpanzee. This is the highest
compliment a lady can receive"
"0" and the man looked relieved.
"Ycs think 80 myself, stranger; she is a
lovely chimpanzee; she's my wife"
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
a Cool Auditor.

The following curious incident actually
occurred recently: Whilst clergyman
was in the midst of his sermon person
entered the church and in the coolest
manner possible sauntered up the aisle.
No sooner had the preachers eye lighted
on the newcomer than, dropping the
thread of his sermon, he said to him:
"Come in, my friend, come in; we are
always glad to see those here late who
can't come early"
The unknown individual stepped for
ward, coolly took his seat and then as
coolly asked the preacher
would you Oblige me with the text?"
Certainly" was the reply; and the re-
quest having been complied with the
sermon proceeded. -...
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
A FIGHTING COLONEL.
Makes a stand Against the Enemy with
Regiment Of Five Men.

Makes stand Against the Enemy with
Regiment Of Five Men.
Inter-Ocean.
On the 3lst of December a regiment
fought long and bloody fight in the
dark cedars at Stone River. At last i.
was shattered and broken. A brigade Of
victorious rebels charged over it, and
seemed to leave none of it. But in
minute the colonel was seen rising from
the ruin and smoke, mounted on his
horse as he went down. In another min
ute man, wounded and bleeding, came
running toward him with torn and dis
figured flag, and he placed himself def
antly at the coloneps side. Then came
from a distance little man limping,
then biz man limping, and then callop-
ing like schoolboys over the rocks these
men clustered about the colonel, and
fired vigorously into the rebel rear.
The colonel had stony stare in his
eyes, and looked about him In bewil-
dered way, Suddenly he shouted,
Form in line, men, form in line"
wonderingly the five men formed in
line, and the colonel ordered advance
in line" and forward moved the five
men, the colonel directing their move.
nents as though they were full regi-
nsnt. The rebels opened FIRE ON them,
and the colonel issued orders TO the five
as though they were 500. Seeing that
they must be captured il they did not
change the line of march one of the boys
said; "Old dad thinks we are the regi-
ment, be CAD. Let's retrate wild him,
and, punching the old horse up with the
hayonets, the squad of Eve ran theil
colonel of at right oblique.
Soon they were joined byothers of the
regiment until they numbered fifteen
men. When the colonel again assumed
command he ordered the men to liz
and they did, and viciously, too. Their
triumphant, the colonel reformed his
line and ordered the men to form col
, uLlil, WucClink by CoHlIHHlts. lnt III
teen men formed into feur ranks and
this satisfied the commander, and agair
the little detachment moved forward
At last the squad came up to the reserve
:, marching in order. The men of the
new line, kneeling to receive the charge
: that soon came, saw the colonel deliber
ately march bis men to. the right ant
order his regiment" into line to partici
!. pate in the new struggle, and when j
came, he issued still his orders as though
, he had a thousand men.
At last when he called in the ferc,
fight, Rally, men, rally" and the few
came together close around him, hi
{ moved with them sadly and deliberatel,
, to where Rosecrans was massing the arm!
. and reported his regiment ready for an
5 other turn. He was shocked and bewil
, dered by the loss of his regiment, but h,
never for moment lost his fighting in
stinct. He simply could not realize tina
= his men were gone.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
CAAFf.

Ear, Marble thinks that full chorus
would sing with great deal of spirit.
We should sing 50, too.-Oil City Biz.
zard.
81 had a rousing time this morning
said q small boy whose father hauled
him foremost out of the bed at 6 O'Clock
IN. Y. Journal.
"Give me the baby to hold my dear"
is the name of a new song. You won't
hear many married men singing it,
Boston Post.
Three score and ten is the average,
but the Philadelphia Call says that there
are men in that city who have a score
in every saloon in town.-Oil City Biz
zard.
II is said that woman may travel
from one end of Japan to the other ,un-
attended, without fear of molestation. 1t
must be very disagreeable country for
women to live in.-Boston Post.
"What would l do with the planet
Saturn if l could corral it?" excitedly
asked circus man. "Why, sir, would
\ put ii under canvas and exhibit il as the
/ kiC6OCot thlCC-iiue bnOW On /.
Y. Journal.
In the Eastern countries the face OF
the bride is never seen until after the
marriage ceremony. And then, some
times, the face of the bridegroom is
never seen any more.-Philadelphia
Call.
Mary Anderson has been formally pre-.
sented to the Prince and Princess o
Wales. The Prince at last accounts was
still suffering from achill, but his speedy
recovery is predicted.-Philadelphis
Call.
We can forgive nature for giving Hen
ry Irving low forehead and bans
when he comes before us as the antithe
sis of the Heavenly Ellen Terry. Wha
exquisitely nodded features what fas
ciDating figure; those cherry red lips
ah, but we forget; it was to have beer
only four lines.-Hartford Post.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
Wasn't Afraid tu Die Then.
Texas Sitting

Fred he sed smoked like an old hoss
and made up my mind to stick 1t Out
but before the cigar was haif finisht
cold swet broke out on my forehead ana
my stumok got sort of uncesy and then
the furniture begun to climb up on the
ceiling and the doors swept places WIN
the windows and | remember seeing
Fred sitting at table up over the man
tie peece and the nextime the label came
round grabd it and laid ny he'd down
on il and waited for deth usto be airaio
to tie hut | wasn't afraid 10 die iben.
The wagls of sin is deth but . cen'
cigar can give your sin moren ten yards
start and beet il every clatter.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
ALPHABETICAL ALIi-S0RTS FOR THE
TRAVELLER.

Always try to secure an aisle seat in
the middle ofthe car. Should trains tel
escope, the chance of safety is greatly en-
hanced.
Bolt your door when you retire. Val
uables seldom walk out unless thieves
walk in, and to them the bolt is a hard
nut TO crack.
Cars are all plainly marked in the
name of the road. Before entering, see
that they read the same as your ticket.
In making changes, note this carefully.
Do not go to sleep without knowing
where you are in case of fire. See if there
is shed roof or porch below your win
dow, and be sure that the rope fire es-
cape?) will reach by the next window be-
low.
Each night that you put your money,
watch and valuables into your stocking
and put them under the mattress. you
are charitable to yourself You will
never leave your room in the morning
without your stocking, and hence will
not forget its contents. s-.
Feeling the table help at hotels is a
bad, very bad practice, and the guest
ultimately finds that his neck is under
an iron heel. -s
Gamblers, confidence and monte men
and fellows "with drafts to cash" are ON
every train. Keep your eyes open, your
wits in their proper place, and your
money in your pocket.
Husbands, accompanied by their wives
should always do them the henor to 80
register them at the hotel-"Lady" is
highly improper.
In surrendering your checks or baggage
to hotel runner, be sure that he has a
badge with the name of his house upon
it. 1t is annoying to look up your stray
baggage at a late hour.
Jarnborees in public parlors by stag
party or otherwise, after eleven o'clock
when people have retired for their rest,
is thoughtless, uncivil and unpardon-
able.
Kleptomania being common, and in
creasing, make sure of your small bag
gage by securing it to the arm of the car
seat with small lock and chain. You
will always find it when you return.
Ladies at hotel, wishing to settle
their bills. should ring the bell in their
room, or in the parlor, and summon the
porter. Never 60 TO the office.
Mark your ticket with your initials at
the time of purchase, and should, you,
later, have any dispute with the conduct
or as TO your fare, you will "have him on
the hip"
Never get on or of thA cars until they |
are at complete stop. Thousands are |
killed annually by not following this
rule.
On entering carriage or car, always
be sure to observe the number. 1t will |
be found on the lamp of the former and
over the door Of the latter.
Pay your fare on the train when yop
an and you will not Ike annoyed by
conductors asking You for their checks,
they never forget cash passenger.
Questions asked ticket agents q 10
Fhen late trains may be expecesd and
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
A Mistake.

Says correspondent 1t happened in
a rough mining town in Colorado. There
was grand ball at the ranch of Whisky
Jack, a well known character in the dig.
gings, and the "elite" of the district res
ponded to the call in full force. The
party was held in rickety old barn be-
longing to the host, and what with few
red strips Of flannel, a grotesque accum-
ulation of mountain roses, and row of
dripping candles, the appointment of the
place were perfect. My first partner in
the giddy dance was the wife of the man
who killed the village postmaster because
he refused him letter; she was fat, fair
and forty and danced with the grace Of
COW. My next partner was the daugh-
Ter of this charming pair, a young girl
just bursting into the loveliness Of wo-
manhood, she was badly freckled, and
sported wart on her nose. My next
partner was blooming grass. widow, a
fresh arrival, and then rested. l began
to comment on new faces in the room.
My companion in this pleasant pastime
was heavy.bearded miner, uncouth
roughly dressed, tobacco slobbered and
very profane. This was our first meet
ing and ] hoped it would be the last.
There goes hard looking case"
whispered rs the wife Of the man who
killed the postmaster sailed by. "she's
q bad un." -,
"Yas," replied the man, "I'd hate to
have her step ON me. What an el.sR.nt
tarpet abe would make for poor marks,
mani"
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

"No,".I observed, you did not, but Won
stated that you were of the same profes-
sion as myself, which is the same thinpn
"Not exactly, sir" said he. 81 am a
wrecker. am Lloyd's agent, and live
on the misfortunes Of others; SO do YOU
When vessel is wrecked it is my busi.
ness to get her of, or to save her proper.
ty. When a man il entangled among
the shoals of quick-sands of the law your
duty Is similar We are both wreckers,
and therefore. members of the same pro-
fession. The only difference is you are
a lawyer and l am not"
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
Railroads Ten Miles Apart.
NV ioft Tribune

] asked a wealthy man who is heavy
stockholder in many railroad lines ana
also farmer, if he thought there was
not too much railroad competition COM
ing. Said he:
Il have expressed my opinion for the
last fifteen years that a state as rich, ioi
example, as Iowa, where lived s'%"
while, could support railroads len Iilles
apart, and see reason every day to con-
firm my Judgment. mean that "hyl,,
the land is settled as thickly as it sllouiu
be for the character OF The soil, that ran,
roads ten miles apart can get all the trai-
tic they want"
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

A Baptist minister was once asked
how it was that he consented to the mar
riage of his laughter to a Presbyterian.
well" he replied, "as far as have ever
been able to discover, Cupid never stud
; ed theology"
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
TIE OLD FARMERS LEGACIEs.

In the farmhouse one dim candle
shed It's pale. uncertain light,
Just - ifit knew the sorrow
Hovering there that solemn night.
on the snow hite bed was lying
Farmer Jones and In his eye
shone peaceful light that plainly
Told he did not fear TO die.
Yet, an anxious glance kept roaming.
Round the room. so hushed and still,
And, at times, he family murmured,
"Haint seen nothin yet Of WHY
Mother, press my hand, an kiss me,
Then look down the lane an see
Ifny Willie sin's acomin'
For his last farewell of me-"
Mother bowed TO those loved features;
Left thereon lingering kiss
Twas the last in life, and ne one
Was ever holier than this.
Then, two daughters, fair and noble,
Yet with sorrow laden now,
Each in turn, with souls affection
Fondly kissed the iurrowed brow.
Soon step was heard approaching q,
On the graveled walk below;
And the farmers sunken features
LIT with an expectant glow.
That's my Will" he iondly whispered,
Mother, open wide the door;
SNUFF the candle, too. for shadows
Gather thick upon the floor"
Soon the son, brave, tall and handsome,
Stood and wept beside the bed;
And, with reverence, he also
Bowed above the hoary head.
willie" said the farmer, feebly,
81 have some bequests TO make,
An want you 10 receive them,
An uphold them them for my sake.
"You have allus been a faithful,
An good, obedient boy;
An in all ofyou, my children,
I've had lots an lots Of joy.
Have we suffered yet for bread
An know the Lord will helpye
Jess the same when am dead.
"But, what troubles me little
Is the rent;n' of the place;
For when die, so dies the pension,
An Landlords don't give much Of grace
"Iive what's in the bank to Nellie
An to Jennie, half an half;
An divide the stock between 'em,
Each a COW, an each calf.
"You are strong. an will not need IL
SO think II would be best
Jess to let the gals share equal,
Half an half In all the rest
"But my silver watch, an muskei,
Shall be yours by law an right;
An, | want you to remember,
Allus keep EN- clean an bright
snow I'm almost done a-talkin'-
One thing more an I'll be through
To be sure an do you justice,
III jess give you Mother, too.
TAKE her, Will, an sarve her kindly,
She'll not stay for many days;
She Is old, an broken badly;
Needs your bright an sunny face
That was all. The humble farmers
Earthly tasks stlast were done,
And his loved ones faces vanished
From his vision. one by one.
Peaceful was his life, and tranquil
Was his death, for well he knew
Ger his grave no wild dissensions
From his orders would ensue.
Texas Siflings
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

"Wush you'd take these pale ingons
away from here" said rural Arkansas
man, pointing to q vsse Of celery, "an
fetch some that's got some git up an, gil
in 'em."
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15
RURAL sagwIles.

Watermelons make good vinegar.
And now feed your stock regularly.
s..Yes, use dry muck freely in stables.
Avoid damp cellars; ventilate them.
Green wood retards home happiness.
California is shipping figs to Europe.
Charring wood adds to its durability.
Don't keep your stock afsld too late.
Dark stables injure the eyes of horses.
Care well for stock during "blizzards.' >
Ground bones are necessary for the
chickens TO make egg shells Of.
= Ohio's corn crop last year was worth
10000, 600 more than her wheat.
There il twice as many sheen in the
United States as in Great Britain.
Thin shells are caused by lack ofgra-
vel, etc. among the laying hens.
Texas is said TO produce about one half
the cattle raised in the United States.
The faster the fattening the more pro-
tits-les food, early returns and better
l9y9h coe1 crop win Be II suitable
11o lo6l1b bGobgo Thanknviving.
- y oRnssaSul, uunaIly
E ~ lealie1a III D1ss
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

Has itever occurred to you that milk
pitcher = generally . good ~ oatchsr.
The Osceola times., 1883-12-15

Cooler -four, it IL said, will soon be an
important Southern product It makes
. very Paltsble biscuit,
, 1883-07-28
Cannon Burst.

From the Wbotcom RavciIIo Tho
old E7or-oo,,+ corron tbot rordorod
,.oI,oLIo sor,,,oo In tho Tndior ,y,ors
", tLa SoMrd ,,,on,, r,oaT,,.oarso0o
ond Gov tLa nn.t fro,t,. &C. ,.oorS
Las r,,,a;ood r., naoao;,i ,,,i,,,,,do
a. tt,is nIaoo rtiIizad orI,. Gov saI,,t
;no, n,,r,osos bas snaIIv oolrovi
od1,,,T ~ inobuitv IN oonsoo,,oroo =,
ovtror,o old ogo 70 loon mn tbo
hon, ord On tho ,nornipn 81 tho
Eourth ortor tbo tbird seIrto had
hoon erod rosoIvod ,,nor a eno1 dis-
.,I,,.io,, o,,d ,,.ithdro,,J fro,, f,,r.I,a.
sor,,ioo Tn ottor y,ords tho oannon
- 81 u, - 5-as,,,,a,,t,,.,,
- aaaL - ,.L;oh ,,o,,Id ,.oia,L
f.a,,, "a ~ ,on -, - L,,,,IeJ
.hnane.L a. ~ +, -, d;.aatio,,
,,.i.t, to-.iI,Io s,i,,ae M -
N,,., ,.i W. l',S ~, ,o'o'O s,,, L., az -,
ooO oc0T,l'''s -, I n ~ ,''i'' 1 ~ l',, -. -
oOO :" S,' nS,iioei' il"u P,o'nTN ,,. 'lea
80 oI re- va ,itS ~ ,,,, VII =
oeio" 'iiT oio" I VI 'iiT nm , y" VIM, " NV,
@ s'e '',ii'ioi n il,u, , sS''iSr % o''y s. PIsni
OuJ, Deem ,lat .I 100 -, ~ "s ,,. l,s% s,,,
"S's,"e , ~ i1'',' 80, ~ oH.,-,, , " ,,t Nc ~
W q ~" ,oN,o ,,Il nTI 'ii' ','o,o" 'I''T.ei
a Ivii' 'nu o, u'N a .'i Ilul'"i ., iui"
A,liiis mn 'ili'oas llls'',i'iy' Lt'o',,ei
pieee p.s'e% , ooI''l~",u, 'e'itis ,,,, ti'e
Nnee,e"p VI, 'l'u o'ieI " ioe i,oi 10y
Li"'ii"'''is Va "' So" ~
, 1883-07-28
The European Ape.
IA the ehalnois Il The only ante
lope 1ound IN l.urope, tne uit0ooii.5l'

Io5e ONT N itr6be,h y ING sne enix anse=
Barbary IS the only representative
Of the Qurdrumana on that conti-
nent ; it is found on the rock Of
Gibraltar. The commandants of the
fort have orders to protect these
apes, and to record all curious facts
regarding them. 1t appears from
this register that at present the tribe
Of balloons consists of twenty-five
individuals, which always occupy
that side of the rock which is shell
tered from the wind 1t is supposed
that the wind, from whatever direc-
ton, is hurtful to them. They avoid
it with greatest care, and they can
detect a change twenty-fOur hours
in advance, so that when the officers
see the apes shifting from one side
Of the rock to the other, they look
out for change of weather. These
apes eat grass with avidity, roots,
bulbs Especially those of Oxalis), wild
olives, and the fruit of small date
which grows naturally on the rock.
They will not touch fruits which the
soldiers put in their way, except
grapes, of which they are very fond.
They sometime descend to to gar
dens of the town of Gibraltar in
search Of figs. The apes drink at a
spring in a cavern, near the level of
the Mediterranean, at the steepest
part Of the rock. They make light
Of the difficulties Of rock which is
400 metres in height, and the sides
of which are perpendicular. In their
gambols, their favorite amusement
is to disappear behind the borders of
the precipice, and let themselves
down from one projection to another,
till they are few feet from the line
of breakers, then to climb the giddy
height again with equal agility.