Phillipsburg herald. [volume] (Phillipsburg, Kan.) 1882-1905, 1883-05-24
THE MOUNTAIN HowIrzER.

ern, drinking dynamite whisky and tell
ing tales. Among them was a Wyo-
ming journalist, and he recognized me.
''Say, Mark said he 'sd'ye know
Tarheel and BradfordP''
Ireplied that I did, and that they
both owed me So.
you'll never get it'' went on the
truthful Wyoming man, ''but III tell
you good joke on them that is worth
five dollars as literary production"
''You see one time Tarheel and Brad
ford tramped into Laramie with the
remnants of an old printing office load
ed in an old covered wagon, with the
hungriest and most forlorn looking
mule a-drawing the outfit you ever see.
They were goin' to the Black Hills to
start paper. The boys tried to pre-
vent the procession, because we knew
that Injuns were along the road, and
they would be pretty sure to make pi
of the printing Office, and carry off the
frowsy scalps of them two fools. But
they was bound to go, and 60 they did.
''The boys gin them some fine Ticker
for nerve, and Tarheel bought big
carving knife and horse pistol.
''Just as they got outside, they met
an emigrant train, and Bradford insist
ed on trading of half the ticker for an
old brass mountain howitzer and some
powder man in the train had. When
they got this, they felt as though they
could lick a whole tribe of lnjuns'
''That night they camped in little
hollow jest off the road feeling as brave
as Julius Caesar. About nine o'clock
their old mule gave bray that sounded
like the wall of a lost soul, and the two
journalists sprang to their feet and
stood trembling by the wagon.
&" 'Injuns, sure as your born?' whis-
pered Tarheel.
'H-u-s-h!' said Bradford; gimme
that gum and he pulled the howitzer
out of the wagon and rammed in big
charge of powder.
''We amt got no bullets, said Tar
heel.
Sc Never mind, nervousIy whispered
Bradford; get that loaded matter in
the galleys.'
s'The Injuns could be heard creep
ing through the grass. Them two
coons were purity near scared to death.
After some fussinS Tarheel found some
old patent medicine cuts, and logged
out four or five galleys of matter, all
set up, that was to form the foundation
of the new paper.
-" 'Quickl' said Tarheel there they
be. Put in that cut OF Lydia Pinkham
and thousand nonpareil-t hatn kill
'em p. d. a.
ssBradford rammed these home with
shooting-stick and riallet, and they
steered the muzzle into the buhses and
fired. Shouts of agony, terrific war
whoops, and some means followed the
first shot.
So Didn't tell youP' howled the de-
lighted Tarheel, as Bradford put in
more powder. 'It was my poetry that
done it. Here, hurry! put in this col
umn of loaded BREWER on the political
question. Ram in your criticisms on
Margtet Mather!,
IS That's no good, said Boadford;
gimme that essay about spots on the
sun, and more of your poetry; put IN
that cut of TUFTS pills.
'.Bang! Awful destruction of In
dams.
{" 'Whoop!' yelled Bradford. TUFTS
pills did it-thet broke my own head.
Did you see that spots on the sun knock
the spots out of that big chief? Wah!
wah! wah! nothing ike your poetry to
plow through them. Hurry now; ram
in that blast about Gebhart; put in your
funny article on onions and tripe.
Where is that snub for Bill NyeP that
will kill 'em all
''The howitzer was plugged up to the
muzzle, and as the Injuns gave charge
the old thing beloved out shorter that
was heard at the town hall in Laramie,
and all the boys went up to see what
the row was about.
''When they reached the camps they
found Tarheel and Bradford going
about among the fallen slain with torch
es talking to themselves
" They are all dead! 1t was my
poetry that killed 'em.'
s. You be blowed!' said Brsdford 'it
was TUFTS pills and Lydia Pinkham.
See that track of fallen braves where
my spots on the sun Plowed thorough.
son counting the slain, two hundred
and sixty where found, and Bradford
and Tarheel collected all their arms