The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1883-02-09
DEER LODGE, MONTANA, FEBRUARY 8, 1885
WHY WE LAUGH.
Never ask an undertaken to recommend
you q good physician.

| Never ask an uHuertaher 10 EeCouIncHu
you good physician.
Patent medicines are now made that will
cure everything except hams.
| Oysters are not allowed to open on Sunday
| in New York.-NeU Orleans Picaytme.
| Now that damn is pronounced not profane,
ministers are adopting the name "damnation"
! for "donation" parties.
! The young woman who gave her hand to a
gentleman of ninety years, says that dried
fruit is much better than 1t looks.
New style in hair: Barber--"How will
| you have your hair cut, rm Man in chair
'.iu silence. ."--Boston Transcript.
Bridegroom's motto, (very free transla-
tionI--Venil vidil wei y I've been! and
goneM and done 1t ~ Troy Times.
A mulf is described as thing that holds a
girls hand and doesn't squeeze it. THIS
definition is almost Orrect.--7he Judge.
/ No; young man, no; the devil is not 50
black as he Is painted. Because if he was,
he wouldn't have to be painted. Burlington
Hawkeye.
A New York divorce lawyers advertise
ment reads "Hymeneal ircompatibilties,
as a speciality, carefully adjusted. 'TIs
slavery to detain the hand after the heart
hath fed"
A Brooklyn lady caught a burglar in her
room and compelled him TO marry her.
Since this terrible punishment there has
been a great falling off in the number Of
robberles in Brooklyn.
A bad ending: well, William, what's
become Of RoberL?" "What avent you
card, sir?", NO! Not defunct, | hope pa
al hats just exactly What he as done, sir,
and walked off with hevefy cent he could
lay his ands on"
a minister who was speaking about heaven
said: "No feeble idiUm Of earth can describe
or portray the beauties OF that place" He
was ready to scalp reporter the next day,
who rendered the sentence: mo feeble
idiot of ear,b," etc.
"Big Aaron" is what they call Ross up in
Montana. He looked as big as the Wasalch
range to the foad agents the other morning
when they eudeavoTed to have him for
breakfast. 1t was big A, little q, FUN with
them.--Salt Lake Tribune.
"Does your Helen remind you of Helen Of
Troy?" she asked sweetly, as the sofa
springs hatteued under a pressure Of 100
pounds. mo, not precisely; you remind
me- more Of Helen Of Avoirdupois," was the
scaly reply.-LoutsriUe Sunday Argus.
In Westphalia, Germany, a list of the
notorious drunkards is published by the
police, and the dealers are forbidden TO sell
them liquor. 1t seems a little hard OH the
!oon-keep"rs to deprive them of customer
just as soon as he is educated up 10 profit
able basis Boston Transcript
An Oil City young man. who has been
specializing on the wrong side of the market,
received letter from bis sweetheart in Phil
adelpha, the other day, asking why he did
not write TO her. He answered OIL postal
card: "Am waiting for the passage of the
two cent postal act."-Albany Union.
A model Memphis husband was called to
the telephone to answer his wife, who was
inclined to think he was fibbing when he
said he was going TO the office. just as he
called out in his pleasantest tone, "Are you
there, my dear?" lightning struck the wire
and knocked him across the room. As he
gathered himself up me said: "Yes, she's
there"
A foolish Snowman once advertised for the
following curiosities: A printer who carried
tobacco, a negro minstrel who did not wear
plug hat, woman who did not wash her face
with rag, an editor who had $40 in his
pocket, dog whose hind legs were in plumb
| with his front legs, a business manager who
did not consider the editors robbers, and a
pair of shoes that were too small for the lady
who wore them. The foolish Snowman died
death Of bitter isappointment.-Denrer
Tribune.
"Father," he began, as he entered the IL
brary with hesitating step, "may l ask you
4 question p' "Certainly, my dear-a thou
sand IL yon lille" "Are yen afraid Of dogs P''
"Why, nor "Did dog ever bite you p''
Never" 'Did one ever try toP' "Not as
| remember Of" "Could dogs bite you If
they nanied top' "Why, presume so; but
I'm not afraid" "Oh, you needn't be bit
afraid, for heard o man on Sixth avenue
car say that he was laying for you and would
pnt you where the dogs couldn't bite you
he said you unleaded on him."
While Robert Burns was at Moffat once
with Clarke, the composer, the poet called
for bumper Of brandy. "Oh, not bump
err" said the musician; 81 prefer two small
glasses"' "Twe glassesr cried Burns
"Why you are like the lass In Kyle.wbo said
she would rather be kissed twice bare-b headed
than ouce with her bonnet on" To one who
:. was frugal Of his wine at table, and who wa:
standing holding up fresh bottle, saying
"Do allow me to draw this one cork more;
ask 1t as a favor" "Sir," said Burns, "yOu
hold the screw over the cork like Abraham
holding the knife above bis son Isaac; make
the sacrifice n'-London Society.