National Republican., 1883-08-20

with no thought OF Smith, the pale face
-Courter-JourndL
EVERY Saturday afternoon in newspaper
Office, there is the devil to pay.
BEFORE sending prisoners to Siberia the
authorities always bind them in Russia.
SUMMER resort hotels are now advertising,
:" House heated by steam throughout"
BARBER-"Dear me. your boards very
strong, how often do you shaver" Van Jboon
Dutch marincr)-" Dree times n week every tay
Sondas; ten shaifes every day."-Pinch.
The Atlantic steamship lines are trying to
beat the best time ON record. Some foggy night
an iceberg may reduce the speed of the swiftest
steamer in n marked degree,
AN unreligious exchange says the Scotch
get more Sabbath into Sunday than any other
people on the face of the earth, because they can
make the children fairly cry with dread of the
day.
If Webb had only gone swimming in q
| fall oyster stew, he might have been alive and
well today. He would have found nothing there
TO run his head against WRLiamSport Breakfast
7abh.
A WESTERN man is credited with an inyen-
ton which combines knife, fork, and tooth
pick. Tho toothpick is superluous in the articles
designed for western consumption, If the fork is of
the ordinary kind.
lT is the proper caper now for fashionable
ladies TO have educated maids to do their spelling
and letter writing. The Pcdy,ine asserts that they
bear the same relation to each other that exists
between the dude and his private secretary.
ONE of the letters ofintroduction Miss Kate
Field brought with her to Denver was from Sir
Charles Dixie to Judge McCurdy. She sent q note
| to the Windsor hotel office, asking where the
| judge could be found The answer came backs
" Don't know; he's been dead eight years."-Derl-
| Ter Tribune.
AN exchange speaks of human skull
being found on an open lot, and says, at is not
known to whom 1t belongs" The Norristown
Herald observes that the man whose memory is so
treacherous that he goes Off and leaves his skull
behind is only fit to yell "the republican party
must CO." or run for president on greenback
| ticket.
AMONG the cuts in a pamphlet sent the
editor of the Newport, KY, Journal, entitled Men
of the Hour" is that Of Queen Victoria The at
tempt of that firm to pass off on newspaper pub
| fishers Queen Victoria rs a man we fear will
prove futile, solemnly remarks the Kentucky
| journalist.
AT fair in Agram, Austria, where the
privilege of kissing the haudsomest woman In the
town was put up mt auction, the highest bid only
reached the ungallant figure Of about ten cents A
mean bachelor says that anybody who has ever
seen an Austrian woman will condemn this as
! extravagant.
THE Boston Post takes the opportunity to
| notify London, which justly considers Mary An
| derson u beauty, that sne isn't circumstance to
some of the girls raised in Boston. Miss Mary Is
doubtless glad that she isn't "a circumstance
for If she were that might alter the case.-Neuo
| York Commercial Advertiser.
AN ex-magstrate of Edinburgh beguiles
| Ipo l,,.a q
as an alarm to awaken the members of his house,
| hold every morning 1t must be very exhiarating
| to be turned out of bed to the tune of " Five
o'clock in the morning" His neighbors serl-
ously thinking about buying a breech- loading
cannon which works with a crank.
THERE is young man in Athens, Ga, who
can take five sacks of shot, weighing l25 pounds
in each hand, holding the bags between his
fingers, and raise them from the floor. The Bos-
ton Transcript is willing to wager something hand.
some that this young man always complains of
feeling dreadfnlly tired every time his mother
asks him to lift the tea kettle into another hole.
AT recent session of the Concord school
of philosophy one of the pupils inquired If "the
consciousness Of the ego was identical with the
acute absorption of the actually" and the pro-
fessor answered that he thought 1t was. The Bos-
ton Post philosopher is inclined to believe this
may be so but he would hesitate to be positive on
q dog.
THE Sunday bull fight is so firmly estab-
lched as the national recreation in all Spanish
speaking countries that 1t would be idle to attempt
to reform 1t out of existence Efforts have been
made in Spain and In Mexico 10 reduce its barbar-
ities but without avail A striking instance of the
cruelty of the sport was furnished at the City of
Mexico on Sunday, the 6th when n noted bull
fighter was fatally tossed by the infuriated bull
pln ultuaN md hor rhar
to one OF English blood, but the Spaniard may
retaiate by pointing TO our prize fights and cock
ing mains as examples of brutality no whit moro
refined than this.
THE young minister, Mr.. --, of west
ern city, was invited to occupy the pulpit in an
Albany church. His two sisters CHANGING 10 be
near Albany. made their plans to go there for that
Sunday and hear him. After the service ge nte-
man of the congregation whom they knew very
slightly hurried toward them and said ave are
delighted to see you here. but how unfortunate
that you should have chosen to-day. Don't. beg
of you, think that this Is our minister Doctor -
is off on his vacation, and we have TO take what
we can get; but come next Sunday, If you're in
town, and you'll hear sermon worth listening
to."-1roy ProSs.
THE San Francisco Chronicle of the seventh
has this item The seventh annual meeting of
the ri Spiritual union was held in Ixora hall last
evening, MIS-. Mathews presiding. There weIo
about twenty members present out Of the three
hundred and odd persons representing the union,
and their enthusiasm in the meeting appeared to
be way below par. Six certificates of ordination
as ministers Of the gospel Of spirltualism and
three certificates of mediums to teach the same
gospe and demonstrate the Immortality Of the
{ human soul and the communion OF departed
spirits were granted being the only ones ever
issued by the union of any other similar body.
ROCHESTER, Post t-Erpress: A young man
biting his moustache is:a case of down in the
mouth."....It is doubtless owing to our being
made of clay that we are so easily "broke." "....
President Arthur is badly off as the rest Of us.
lie is "out ofthe reach Of the telegraph" When
n telegraph bill is presented, just indorse 1t "sub-
ject to delay" and pigeonhole it....We hear Il
great deal about "driven wells" but in this Sec
, lion wells are not very hard pushed....Ice cream
has taken good care not obecome poisonous until
about the time oyster season begins The girls ara
in luck New York still maintains the lead in
, gin palaces Mr. Sullivan is only prize fighter,
but Mr. stokes is Il murderer, "A wheelbarrow Is
not only much easier to handle that a bicycle, but
there is more money In the occupation as wel..
1 1t is woll enough when in Rome to do as RomanL
do but when In Chicago all right minded
strangers win behave themselves. Billy Birch,
the minstrel is tho reputed owner OF twenty
o butcher shops in New York. It is 10 be hoped
, that his meat Is freSher than his Jokes The IN An