The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1883-07-14
The Pew as Seen from the Pulpit.
Burdette, in the Cincinnati Enquirer.

observe these people, as follows, to
wit, namely, viz:
!. THE SLEEPER.-He will be
there. Peradventure he leaneth his
chin upon a cane, so that when the
moment of deep and profound sum-
Der cometh upon him his chin slip
peth off, and with the bang of his
head upon the pew in front of him he
is awaked. Howbeit the bang upon
his wife's head no man can hear. Or,
the slumberer may sit bolt upright
and nod in time to his deep and reg
ular breathing. Only when you cast
your eyes upon him the watchful
wife at his bosom stabS him with her
elbow, and he glareth upon the con-
gregation as who should say: "He
that sayeth | slept the same is a liar
and william and horse-thief." Or,
if he be so that he leaneth his head
back until the lid thereof falleth
down between his shoulders, and he
playeth phantastic tunes with his
nose, lnsomuch that the boys in the
gallery make merry over the same,
then it is hazardous to awaken this
slumberer right suddenly, because he
dreameth of divers things and sayeth
to the tithing who shaketh him up,
"Hey? hi ha! yes, yes, all right
Pm up" And thus is the congrega-
ton much scandalized. But if he
foldeth his handkerchief over the
back of the pew in front, and boweth
his head devotedly upon the same,
even in that moment when the text
is pronounced, then will that sleeper
trouble no one, but will slumber
sweetly on until the time of the ben
ediction and he will awaken re-
freshed and smiling, and he will ex-
toll the sermon and magnify the
preacher. He is an old-timer from
Sleepy Hollow.
II. THE LOUNGER.-Hef falls into
the pew and slides easily into the
most comfortable corner. He shakes
himself down into comfortable atti-
tude. His legs extend under the
pew in front and meet his hips at the
crookedest Of obtuse angles. He
crooks his plant elbow into the arm
of the pew, and drops the side of his
face into the fearful hollow of his
hand, by means of which he pushes
his cheek up into his eye. His Shout
ders are nearly on leyel with his
head. Everytime you look at him
you expect to see him slide out of
sight. And although you are good
man, sometimes you wish he would,
and never come up again.
- III. THE Whether you
look for him or not you know where
he is. He pushes the hassock away
with long, resonant groan of its
own. Then he sits bolt upright, hooks
his shoulder-blades over the back of
the pew, and hangs on. He is going
to sit still this Sunday if it kills him.
But the pew is too high, so he settles
down little. Then he puts hymn
book between his back and the pew.
Then he leans forward and lets it fall
with crash. Then he folds his arms !;
he half turns and lays one arm along
the back of the pew. Suddenly he
slides down and braces both knees
against the back of the pew in front.
All! that's comfort. 1t lasts ninety
seconds, when he abruptly straight
ems up, elevates both arms, and hooks
his elbows over the back of his pew.
That isn't what he wants; his legs
are tired he reaches for the hassock
with both feet, upsets it, and in a
frantic effort to stay it kicks it against
the pew. Covered with burning en-
barrassment he pulls out his watch
twice or thrice without once looking
at it. He folds his arms across his
breast, then he crosses them behind
his back he thrusts his hands into
his pockets, he drops Bible on the
floor and puts his feet into his hat.
and at times, you look to see him go
all to pieces, but he dosen't. He stays
together and comes back next Sun
day, every limb and Joint of him.
w. TIE WATCHER.-His neck is
fitted on a globe socket and turns
clear around. He sees everything
that goes on. The man who comes
in late does not escape him, and it is
vain for the tenor to think he got that
little note to the alto conveyed be-
ween the leaves of the hymn-book
unobseryed. The watcher saw it. He
sees the hole in the quarter that Elder
Skinner dropped in the plate. He
sees that Deacon Slowboy has on but
one cuff. 1.-THE door swings he looks
around if the window moves noise
lessly he looks up. He sees the
stranger in his neighbours pew, and
he sees Brother Badman sitting away
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