The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-01-04
WIT AND HUMOR.

When physician has cured singer
OF hoarseness, he sends in a bill of in
voice. The bill being worded: To cur
ing one in-growing tone all.
Said Mr.. Moriarity, in explanation o.
his battered appearance, ''Ye see the
horse l was dhriving waz mule" And
Mr.. Finnegan replied: ''Ye need say nc
more, Dennis"
The ''sermonette, spoken of so fire.
quently in the West, is not full ser.
mon. 1t is nice little new bonnet
talk, sufficient to call a congregation Of
hearers together, but not powerful
enough to wear them out.
Professor George Bristow aims to be
the most honest of critics, and on being
asked by the father of an animated
foghorn how he liked his daughter S
voice, he replied: "She sings like q
Patti (under his breath) gonianr'
A Scotch lawyer was 80 short in stat
ure that it was necessary for him to
stand on stool when addressing the
court. "Well," said wit, on seeing
him thus elevated, this is one way OF
rising at the bar"
"Whar's the man that's going up in
that balloon?" inquired a countryman.
That's the fellow standing on the left
of it." Rather thin, isn't he, thoughP''
returned country. Yes" answered
the other; ''he's thin in purse as we'll as
in person. He's the heir o'naught.'
Fritz 70 To-day is my birth
day. Emma-''And mine, too" Karl
milne, toop' Bertha-"Mine, toor'
I'll. ~
eidence, neighborr' Mother =" "Ah,
yes you see, we celebrate them all on
the same day, because it's cheaper
Heard at doorstep: "Why, Mr..
Milkman, you said your cows were
drying up and you could only let me
have pint for the baby. but here are
two.quarts." "Yes, mum; l can spare
more now; some of the other babies
have died"
'.Gentlemen, you may not think it,
but I have stood on the top round OF
the ladder" said an inebriated individ-
ual who was haranguing the crowd
.'Troth, thin,' exclaimed one of his
hearers, "That same ladther must 9
been lyin' fiat on the ground"
"Heavensr' 'shrieked an excited moth.
er, as the nurse let the baby fall ovel
the second floor banister. 1.-Two inches
nearer the wall and that child would
have smashed fifty dollar statuette
and the hall lampr' And then they
picked up the baby.
An old Irish soldier who prided him
self on his bravery, said he had fought
in the battle of Bull Run. When asked
if he had retreated and made his es-
cape as others did on that occasion, he
replied, BE jabers, those that didn't
run are there yetn'
''Mr Brown. do you eat mush ?''
asked four-year old tiend of his sis.
ter's beau. "Why, Johnnie?" BE
cause sister says she wishes you would
mush." Sister faints, and Brown re-
members that he has an engagement in
Australia.
Irritated mamma = mo, it doesn'I
e fit as if he had been born to tit does
MT fit at all" ''But s'help me-r' IT.
ritated mamma-''Your advertisement
says, Money returned if not approved" ~
Mr.. Moses-''So they do, ma tear, Sc
they do; but your money vas approved
it vas very goot money"
The president of little Southern
railroad boasts that they have not hac
an accident for five years. We travelled
over that line once. A trusty llagmar
walks ahead of every train, and wher
he becomes tired the train stops anC
the passengers go fishing until he gets
rested.
''Well, Tom," said blacksmith tt
his apprentice. "you have been with me
now three months, and have seen al
the different points in our trade; wish
to give YOU your choice of work for {
while. Thank ee, sir. ""Well, now, whal
part of the business do you like bestP
''Shuttin' up shop and goin' to dinner
"Ma," howled boy running into the
house and approaching his mother,
''ma, little brother hit me with stick. :"
'''Wel, I'll whip your little brother" :"
said the mother, abstractedly tucking
together pair of stockings she had
been darning. mo, don't whip him.
don't let him have any supper.
whipped him before he hit me-"
One day towards nightfall, and in an
uncertain light, man bought IN over
coat of pretended plum-color. The
next morning it proved to be of a quite
too unmistakable green. Returning it
to the storekeeper, that worthy regard
ed the buyer calmly and said, you
must have little patience with it, my
dear sir; ii isn't ripe YETI
\ Boston editor bounced the cook,
cuffed two children, left his wife in tears
and made bee line for the Office aud
wrote: "lf you want to make the world
brighter and better, begin by being kind
and loving to those in the small circle
of your own family, and from that as q
center work out as you are permitted
to 60"
When we see the young man of the
period with the cutaway coat, his ears
sheltered from the cold north wind
blasts by the broad expanse of collar,
his two watch chains, but no watch,
his pointed shoes and intellectual eve
glass, his tootsey-wootsey cane and pam
cake hat, we realize that the $S4, ,0OO,-
600 annually expended in educating the
American youth is little enough.
A short time ago, at school in the
north of England, during a lesson on
the animal kingdom, the teacher put
the following question: "Can any boy
name to me an animal of the order
edentela; that is, front-tooth toothless
animal?p A boy, whose face beamed
with pleasure at the prospect of good
mark, replied: 81 can.' well, what
is the animal?'' "My grandmotherr'
replied the boy, in great glee.
Yes" he said. zone of the very
incest, best girls in the world, is in love
with me, and folks know it, and it Just
breaks my heart. Why should it,. Why,
don't you know that nice fellows al
ways get some cheap creature for a
wife, and nice girls always marry mis-
cradle fellows? Folks know she is
thoroughly good girl, and they set me
down as a regular tough. My charac-
ter is ruined"
Il go for season but return anon"
playfully remarked the merchant when
he left the Office at 1915 A. Nj. What
does he mean?" timidly asked the new
boy. "Oh," replied the boy who wasn't
new, ''going for a season is stepping
out for a Glove, and returning anon is
returning anonymous y-that is, sneak
ing around when you least expect him,
trying to catch you reading the paper