davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

cumstances under which a man mus write humorously. His best friend may be lying dead in an adjoining room, but 1t makes no difference with the man who buys paper at the news stand Any man who edits a paper known as hu- morous journal is deserving of pity. It is more natural for him to write pleas antly than in any other way, and under ordinary circumstances 1t is surprising to see how much smile work he can accom- plish, but sadness is more oppressive to him, sorrow to him has more of a dead weight than to a man who does not pos sess the faculty of discerning a humorous wiggle in the pens of Wards and Twains. The other day man met the editor of this paper and said: "l'll come up to- morrow, tell you story and have good laugh with you" Laugh with you. Now the idea of going up and laughing with man the seat of whose brooches are worn out. and who is not the proprietor of enough time to have them mended or borrox a better pair, is humiliating. When you take up humorous paper and
 find an article that reads like sigh, don, find fault with the editor for his lack of levity, for the seat of his brooches may be worn out Next to death, the ice cold touch of dissolution, what can be sadder than the ragged seat of thin pair of trowserss Nothing. There are times when man cannot write soberly. There is now man in this city who cannot write sober article. He's alway drunk.
 The Milwaukee humoris, was indeed sadly surrounded last week. The city reporters could turn from the horrible scene and write their impressions, finding some relief iR mere expression. but the humorist must turn to his workshop and make people laugh.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
WILD RUMORS.

The sensational aanegnccr n, that the dciAul,ins treasurer of Tennessee k no, genuine Polk has been made This announcement wdS as sudden .s i, was ,heekng, and the Tennessee legislature adjourned ior reflection. The fact that the irc1sater IS not a Polk req! unde- niablc poik. able 10 stand the mos, erses.i tess of ancestral aris.oefaey. ex- D lgns why the usdfpcg of a great name
 e3 Rve hundred thousand dollars ilom inc s,atc's vaults. II he had been d genuine Polk. he would nol have com miued this deed. Think that genuine Folk would steal five hundred thousand doslars from state: No. SIT he might steal d million. bu, he would not dis grace his commonwealth by stealing tive hundred thousand. There are many and wild rumors in circulation. explain ing how the treasurer became known as Polk. Practical people say that presi- dent Folk was his uncle. and that the old gentleman adopted him. This seems to be very clear statement. Another ru- nor. not so clear. says that years ago. while Ex-president Polk was walking along street in Nashville. boy stepped from barber shop and asked him if he did not want his boots blaoked. Mir. Polk wanted his boots blacked, thinking that the work was gratui,ous perform anee, but when the labor was fin ished and the boy demanded pay. Mir. Polk declared tha, the work was fraudu- lent and that he would issue bonds which would be promptly repudiated. The boy followed the great man. trying at every turn to throw mud on his boots. until Mir. Polk reached home. when the boy followed him into the house, where he proposed to stay until the debt was houldated. IL was an old and hospi;- able custom of James k Polk to make his visitors feel at home. and he conse- quently treated the boy with character istic kindness. The boy soon realized that he had found a comfortable home, and the cN-president. fearing ,ha, the boy would circulate unwholesome s,ories concerning his reputation. allowed him 10 remain until the name Polk gradually grew from him, like branch of misslesoe growing from tree. There are great many people who will refuse 10 creii. this statement. and we do not give il as fact, with statistical notes appended.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
SADNESS AND HUMOR.

George N. Peck. editor of Peck's Mill waukee .Saa. one of the most humorous writers America ever produced. and one
 who more than any one else has the fac ulty of making every one laugh. in speak ing of the Milwaukee horror. says And these are the surroundings of person who is expected to write funny. Mourn ing everywhere. The mothers of girls who pershed stand about the ruins trying to ind clinging to the cindered remains of q body something that will identify the hideous looking pile as all that is left of daughters who were their only support"
 The world knows very little, and doubt less cares very little concerning the cir
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
Brain Food and Phospnises.
ChicagoCheek.


 A much advertised medical nostrum is and in the advertisement the proprietor says that no rapidly growing infant or child can devclope into intellectual or physical beauty without sufficiency of phosphites, and al Fl phosphite at that
 We cannot but think that there is a slaring error in this statement. There are quite number of prominent discrep- ancies which have apparently escaped the notice of the compounder For in- stance there is old King Solomon. He Is a discrepancy. He didn't have any phosphtes bailed into his infantile sys- tenn. And we take II that he developed into intellectual and physical beauty sui hcient to ma,h seven hundred wives and we forget just how many hundred brevet wives or eonucopias. We think they were called oornucopias, but we may pos sibly err. Phosphites didn', grow in Sol- omon's time. Atleast we never heard of any being on tap in any of the principal cities of the Holy Land
 There are men living to-day. holding otflee. have held office or are just sinch- ing themselves up preparatory to run ming for office who never touched a drop of phosphites. Ben Butler was never suckled on phosphites when an infant, and where will you find a more perfect type of intellectual and physical beauty? Conkling was not raised on phosphites- He had no need of brain food when he was kid. We are willing to gamble that Long John Wentworth can't tell a phosphite from a photograph.
 Perhaps the advertisement refers to children of the Gebhar stripe. kids whose delicate brains need building up and up holstering. A little brain food might go long ways with such people, but the average American don, need phosphites any more than Jay Hubbell needs gall. Phosphites may be made very available in the process of weaning calves, but as means of rescuing this nation from soften- ing of the brain and general irnbecilify it must be regarded as inpracticable.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
PROPHECY.

lust before the great overflow Tn iSSe. John White. a negro ninety-siN years ot age, came 10 the city. claiming that he WAS sent by the Lord 10 warn the people of a grea, flood. He seemed 10 be a very sensible man aside from his hobby. and preached several sermons. which in point ot olearness compared favorably with the average orthodox discourse. The food came as he predicted. and the old man became known as John. the prophet
 Several days ago he again visited the city 10 warn the people of another great flood. which he declares will come in Au- gust. When asked how the revelation was made 10 him he said:
 ~.Seein' de great 'struction caused by de high water what tole about, didn' | want ter hab nuihin' more ter do wid de business. an when de Lord said, John, go down to de Rock an warn de people ob anuder food shuck my head an answered:
 "'Lord, can't yer get some udder man ter do dis work, for fse get,in' tired ob ,ellin' people ob great c'lamiues ?
 "'Go as tells yer, said de Lord.
 'I shuck my head agin.
 Is Ncr SNlnc. Satil uc t.uIu.
 Il still shuck my head. By dis time l had go, ter big tree whar dar was big puddle ob water. an de fust thing l knowed. biff su,hin' tuck me side ob de head an inter de water went. s,rug- gled monstrus. but suthin' hill me down. IS yer gwine :. said loud voice.
 - l'se gwine.' cried way down inside myself. an de suthin' let me up an heah Is
 He visited THE ARKANsAw TRsyEL- Es office, and relating his prophetic in- s;rgciions. said:
 "De Lawd also said fur me ter come he:h an yersef would gin me Goilar.
 a lou believe that all which was told yor will come 10 pass. do you =
 Oh. yes. sah: i;'s boun' ter.
 Well. in regard 10 the flood your in- structions may be all right and eminently correct but there Is mistake in regard to the dollar. We have received no such instructions. and until VIC do. we canno, part with such large sum of money, and this part ct the prophecy remains unfulflled even unto this day.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
dusty importance of the legal repository.
 The daughter of the lawyer had dis

The daughter of the lawyer had dis carded a young mechanic, whom she really loved, but who could not in justice to profession aspire to her love. Look at my father," said the girl, This law library is the finest in the city. Can you, a mere mechanic. hope to marry me, the daughter of man whose library is the envy of the entire country: respect you, even regard you with an almost af- lection, but do not ask ne. the daughter of lawyer, lawyer whose volumes are more numerous than those of the supreme judge, to marry you, mechanic"
 A young lawyer, not very high in his profession, but who was decidedly re- spectable, in view of the great library. in view that the owner only had one child, paid attention to the ex-carpenter's $ daughter, and among his less fortunate legal companions often spoke of the change he would make among the vast array ot books.
 The young mechanic, whom the girl actually loved, finding that the great legal librarians daughter would not mar Y him, was welded to quiet daughter of a farmer, leaving the young lawyer exclusively to the daughter of the man of whose former profession she was ashamed. l, was settled that the young man was to have the library, and he looked forward to his marriage. or rather to the old mans death. with an anxiety almos; distressing. The day for the marriage was appoint ed. The maiden. almost old ''maided now. was almost sorry that she had allowed her me- hanic lover to leave her, but she turned with conso- lstion to the young lawyer who had his eye on the library. A few days before the marriage was to take place. the father of the aspiring young lady died suddenly. After the burial everybody speculated in regard n the disposition oi the great H. brary. No mention was maic of il in the wil., d.sposins of tn. ssanty property. and several of the old lawyers began t. sarmise that the eN-cafpen,cr intended the books for the state. when the pros peetive sen-in-law declared his rela,ion- ship, affirming ;ha; the books belonged to him, even though ne disposition oi them WAS mentioned ln the will. Finally ii was agreed by the county judge that the books should be the property of the prospective son-in-law. The entire bar attended the opening of the glass doors. Why, what Is this :" exclaimed the man who stood on chair to lift the books down. They are mere blocks
 IL was fact. The carpenter had made his library of wood, so skillfully formed that only close inspection revealed the deception. His wife and daughter had almost driven him crazy on the subject of 4 library and he had worked up q bloeshouse of pfetended legal lore.
 @The young lawyer did not marry the ex-earpen;ei's daughter. and as an old maid. she now stands and looks a, the happy children of the mechanic. fondlv hoping tha, their father will one day. within her scope of years. become q wid-
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

bu, only lay it before our reader. as one of the many wild rumors now flying around Tennessee is very careful of her honor, and it is reasonable to sup pose that she would adopt any theory tending to remove the stain from the house of one of her presidents.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
THE GREAT LOSS OF TIME.

A man, not the conventional gentle man with wild eyes and sonowful face, entered THE ARKANsAw TRAVELLER of flee, and without a characteristic move ment and without dropping into chair, the paragraphic won't of all newspaper visitors, quietly seated himself, without splitting on the exchanges, and said:
 'T am ! mathematician and l am in trouble"
 "Ma,hematicians are always in trouble"
 "Yes, and like Holmes, can fancy that hear the wheels click in a calcu- lator's brain. have tried to throw aside this terrible matter of fact calling, but it hangs to me. The multiplication table rises with me at morning and lies down with me at night But sir, what are we going to do about it ?' and his eyes for a moment glared like the inevitable man who calls on the newspapers all over the country.
 Do about what ~
 The time we are losing.''
 ''I am losing no time. have been at work since dayligh, and haven't been docked yet
 You don't understand me. Now in year how many days are there =
 Blamed if know"
 There are 365 days. , hours. $ min utes and 4S seconds in year.
 "Yes.''
 Each year loses II minutes and F seconds time
 "All right"
 "kvcY four wears lose II n.1u;es and z.S seconds.
 "Wtll::"
 ''Sn. in iSoo years NC lose ii days.
 What aFe we gong to do .3ota II :"
 ''Tha, is what don't know. Where does tha, time go: Where Is the dark cavern of is retreat, Some maihema- ticians provide for )dmp b De made every so many years. but, hang Il. sir, we can't jump time. No man can jump time. Gan boy Jump into manhood without waiting for the years to slowly drift past him: Can colt become horse in one day: No, sir. Now wan, to know what we arc going to do about this ruinous affair. Just think. Four teen days lost since the cIueiiNion of the Savior This business must not 20 on. for look d, the time We will lose in million yca's. -''f'o you know the caase- -oi-tlsts great assassination of ,ime:"
 "les, sir, he sad, looking cautiously around him.
 .'W'hat is the cldse:~
 ''Carpe, baggeEs.
 Carpet baggers," we repeated in sur prise.
 Yes. sir; carpet baggers. Take them in Arsanslw. for instance. Look al the time they killed. Look how. during legislative sessions. they killed time and charged II to the state. Now, SIT, tune has e,-c7 been i,a:ey. !-acl, !.o. much money the world has lost since the Christian era. IL bows me down 10 think of Il; il IS turning my hair gray. Who Is that gtoanins in the neN; room
 "A boy
 "Wha, is the matter with him =
 Losing tune.
 How =
 .A,ni inc ,in1NnnA anl can.; wnlt
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

THE northern thermometer IS capri eous instrument. Every winter 1t regis ters the coldest weather experienced for ten years.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

WHERE will the country be a hundred years from now:' maJestically asks a Texas editor. The general belief is that il will be here.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

EVERY state in the great aggregation oi states, is the ''grandcs, old state in the union.s The democratic party is the grand old party. Everything bM the greenbaek party is old and grand.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

AN editor who has gained the unenyia- ble reputation of funny man." writes 10 the editor of this paper as follows How do you stand on the question of a national paragraphers' convention ?' We don't see ho@ such an enterprise can prove 10 be a success. There is no exciting demand for paragraphers' con vention. Such an affair might not pay expenses for several years. There are several questions tha, would have to be definitely settled. First, what is a para grapher, and secondly. any other ques- ton that might naturally arise. A para grapher, according 10 the brigh, dictionary of youth in which no such word as fail occurs. is one who writes paragraphs. but nearly every one who writes at all makes para graphs for an endless string of stuff with ou, break would rot te accepted even by the most reckless publisher If the gentleman wants to have a convention of every writer who makes paragraphs. we think that his scheme will fail, for. like Gideon's army, the number would be too great. If he means those who write short. funny sayings, we again disap- prove of the enterprise, for it would be impractcable and perhaps injurious to the country to have such a collection of irreligionists and chucklers turned loose in one community.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

AN exchange has an article headed, What can wealth do ?" Keeping out of mans way IS one of the feais which |, accomplishes with ease.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

SE>tfoR 0fRRo GoKio WILLIAMS. oi Kentucky, is one of the most success fil 'eleeiioleerere" ia Amc ica Meeting l ms9 once IT Bowling Green, he re- gatded him t7s moment and said :: Why. my fricnl, how arc you:n Well. ' iep,'e4 the man. "Iiow's your good vie = T told you abou, ten minutes ..s ;liai ,hc cwas ,.c1d, replied Inc man. ~. lhat is so. relolned the great poll tic.1n. .'hu; t |, >o unreal. SD hard io be- !iele tha: ;he good woman is no more. th4: ] a:n ior. ed io ak you asain.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

HE ARK N,>AH fpA4HftR i.= =z..ill'ill4 th, 'i hamarou, IeaTaai now ppl.tshrt! .ts tafs c5pu:ty. Ne taa'i h-,tiaic to s=v SD, 1at sfr 'ia anuh' ttti |, ilt. asc 9fr. DrsHit a.
 - none oi the ffalrru3t9 ia- i.4Ia..s= .f4 se = .H,s. I,ia4r.
 This, coming from joulnA'. an ec- fcp'ed e,ed.t ia Amef..An typography and newspaper ..b..i4. is compliment which THE AREAN~t@ THsXEIER does no; deserve ani which il could not hope = merit. bal @c appreciate il with a warmth never hcf arc ieit
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

i@ortE who went fgpm .Arklnsaw to SC Mrs. I.anetry a, Memphis. are de- Ishtcd @iih her beauty One gentleman who operates ! >aw-niH not far from tt.i,ttc Rock. II speaking of the famou, beauty, said: "Shc h magnificent creature. beautiful woman. Now when l say tha; woman Is good look ins you may.buy pools on 1t. had d. ways been oi the opinion that my wife WIS good locking. even though she smokes cob prc and wears number ten skoes. bu; Mrs. l.aag,ry ean knot k the eternal saess oii- her.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

- ''S 'i buC oSSt di'dilSCd anu most newsy little .apers in the south.
 The Richmond BaAn. Dr. Burton's paper. has reached its sixth year. l, is a repository ot the brightest paragraphs the country affords.
 The lo.keYs Ga=.He says that il is willing to receive criticism at all times. All right, Mr. Holden. You publish one of the best and one of the most honest papers in the country.
 President Arthur, m writing to Wilkins. editor of the Whitehall z.mfs and author of the Cleverdale Mystery says: I have read your book and enjoyed much the results of your political observations, which you have so felicitously, worked into The Cleverdale Mystery" The book has been interesting to me both on account of its merits and as the produe- ton of former pupil and young friend. and l congratulate you on the many flat tering notices it has received
 We are in receipt of the following com plimen,ay letter. dated New York. Janu- ary 10th, and signed by Henry Clay Lu- kens. secretary of the New York Press Club: - Erratic Enrique, and with the cordial assent Of his three hundred and fifty fellow-members of this. the leading association of American journalists, thanks Messrs. Read X Benham. of Little Rock. for the kind donation of Vol. l.. of THE ARKASsAw TRAvELER. May the prosperity of said paper ever keep pace with its beauty. usefulness, high spirits and rcfreshinr oririnality.'
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

\ iLelslA,ek whose courage had been questioned if consequence ot his acton on a certain occasion. m explanation, said; No. gentlemen. am not a eos- ard, as some oi you may suppose. The ease in question is ,his: \ large. buriy fellow from the hilis met me and applied 10 me names thut no one could take. l called 10 sew ral oi my constituents who s:ood on the street corner and asked ad- vice in regard 70 the matter. whether to fight or run. Well, l finally concluded not to take the advice and ran. A man should no; be considered coward be- cause he refuses to follow advice"
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION:

Entered af D< P0aofee af Lin!t Roek, drk.. aJ ieoosd 6LGs nsci ndkfer.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

-fsft f-tsv%s=7si,s,- i,s -..i.-si eaalE=la Arsansa~ t0 stav. ,teie 4 hpFSe the next day after hii arrt4al and AAs run ont ef ,hc state by vigilance ceainitiec.==f 1Rla fss.. !rti,l Etpr44.
 The man xho had come to Texas so stay" stayed. He stole q hos and @as han.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27
JOURNALISMS.

The Paiiy Py1nf, of Galveston. Texas. is one of ,hc best arranged and mos, newSy little .apers in the south.
The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-01-27

ten years.
Maryland independent. [volume] (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1874-current, 1883-06-08

The production Of beer in the United
States last year amounted to 525 900, :
900 gallons, and average of more than
fourteen gallons for every inhabitant -
This average is still behind that Of Bel
GUM, Of Great Britain and Of Germany
the German average being twenty-five
gallons per head annually, but it is lar
ger than that of any other country. and
the increase in the consumption of malt
liquors in this country is in every way
remarkable. 10 1863 the total produc-
ion was but $4,000 gallons, so
that the increase has been more than
sightfold in twenty years, the population
having increased about go per cent To
eounterbalance this the statistics show
that the production of distilled liquors
has diminished during this period. not
vithstanding the increase of population
This confirms the general observation
shat beer has to large extent supplant-
whiskey as a popular drink
Maryland independent. [volume] (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1874-current, 1883-06-08
The Wheat Cr0n.

Uuless there is general conspiracy to
misrepresent the condition of the wheat
crop. the yield in the United States this
year will be but little over 400 600. 900
bushels, 100, 000, 900 bushels less than
last year; We regard no figures as & aal
snsil the harvest has been gathered; but
there can be no easonable doubt of
moterial decrease Just what the condi-
ton of the foreign market will be is not
yet ascer tanned; but an intentions made
in one Of the recent reports that the
crop prospects in Europe were less ia
sOrable than last year, does not cores
pond with the impression previously
given. As far as can now be judged,
no violent iuctuation in the price. or in
the amount af export, is likely to occur
foT some time TO come.
Maryland independent. [volume] (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1874-current, 1883-06-08
LATEST STYLES
~
SPRING DRY GOODS

M Wool Spring Dress Goods, 25cts
Nuns Yelling, al new oolori, 25c,s.
Spring Dress Goods, uea eolsr., i2lcts
Spring Cashmerys. new eolors, D, 81 aud 81.
Summer silks, scots eects and 75cts.
Black Drcs. silks sl.OO, sI25, $3.50, sI.75
and S2.yO.
Black Ca.bmeres, 37ets, scots, 62cts. and
7jcls.
Mourning Dress Goods.
Crepe Wells and Sbawls.
White aud Fancy Mating all styles.
Spring Carpets, 25cis, 37ets and Scots.
Cloth for Men ald Boys wear, 81 and scots.
Cotton AIDES for Mems Suits, Poets.
Parasols, Sioo, sl25, 81 so $500, 50 50.
I Boidal Quilts, 9sets., worth 81 20.
silks, Yelyets, Satns, Brocades.
silk Surahs, all colors scots.
silk Morino, all coIors, eOcts.
India Linen, l2cts., ljcts-, lscts, 2Octs. and
2jcts
Dotted Swiss, all colors, new patterns.
Satin Stripe Victoria Lawns l2ets.
Satin Stripe Pique, SITS.
Calicoes, Cottons, Ginghams, Percals, Che
viots and Consumers.
G. M. TOwSOn.
$50 Penn. Ave-, South Side near Cen
tire Market, Washington, d. C.