The Ottawa free trader., 1883-09-29
Paragraph Fiend.

A nea. realion-A whisper
Always 60 observation-disclosures.
Dramallc-A garret where liqu'r Is
sold
A leading ia ure at Il horse shoN-lhe
halter
The real bouncing bnhl-Au lu1a.
rubber doll.
The Lost Chord-Thc wood missed from
your pile over night
Bills of long standing and trousers OF
long sitting had better he rcceIp'ed
Philadelphia ladies are learning has'
ball. One of them has caught her husband
out several tunes already,
A halfbrccd organ says Of the recently
nominated stalwart republican state ticket
in New York that "i' is as weak ns the
oyster soup at the tail end OF charity ios'i
val"
The local journal of Cape May greatly
damaged It's popularity by accidentally
using ID" IN place of an "s', calling the
place "bummer resort"
General STILES EXHIBITS the skins OF two
bears, one American hon and one wildcat
as the trophies of his tours III The West.
Did he shoot the man who owned them?
"The treasury Of the United States OF
b,n 10 u
ward still the course Of carpctbagism
takes its way.-Richmsnd Dispatth (Dem
Henry Clews the noted New York stock
broker, whose monthly financial circular
is no less bewlldering through its pro-
fundity than Its puzzllng vernacular, has
provoked the stock board poet into the
preparation of the following quatraln:
In the published views of Henry Clcws
One feature we distinguish:
Though they're expressed by an Englislman,
They're not expressed in English.
II does not do to meddlc with the digni-
ty of the German courts. a French lady
used as witness in one OF them testified
that her age was 2G, when she was twice
that, and was promptly indicted for per /
jury.
Hon. John II. Oberly announces IN his
paper, the Bloomington Bulletin, that he
is not candidate for the democratic Doml
nation for Governor Of Illinois.--Er.
Which reminds us that the same an
nouncement IS due the great public in our u
own behalf
In order to render cucumbers lnocuous
they should be cut up with onions and left
to soak. After a while the onions should
be thrown out To insure absolute safety V
the cucumbcrs should be thrown after the :,
onions.
no. said the poet, my poem wasn't b
much of success The critics rather sat .
down on it, But in view of the fact that
the printer got the words golden light u
gutter snipe,' don't quite feel that the Of
piece had fair chance" ;,
"Genllemcn," said the Texas man in the p
restaurant when the waiter dumped n plate 81
of hot soup down his back, gentlemen, u
don't laugh" AS he had risen to his feet as
respected W
A Massachusetts cattle trainer having "a
arrived at the New England fair with two "
trick steers named "Bcn Butler" and Bob {"
lngersoll,' the Worcester Spy testifies that 10
they do some marvellous acts, and the Bos :"
ton Post comments that 'if they don't they "
belle their names" L
In closing notice of the arrival Of two =,
st. LOUIS bellies the editor Of the Tom ~
Green county, TEX Times says Rude !"
| am OF speech, but II you want heart
with generous valves, fit to run hydrau.
lie pump, corral me and you'll find it be- 80
meath my shirt" :,
At Conway, IN Wales, there is q monu- Gu
ment erected in the church to the memory e.
of dead worthy, Alderman lloopcs HIS cr
epitaph consists of the following sentence
i He was the father of twenty yseven ch lid
ren, and was the iorty-frst son OF his "a,
father"
Zola, the French writer drinks handy il
and water while at work. John Bright. an
he English statesman, has not touched
spirits tor ten years, and he finds his ia
health improved. Canon Farrar is a total gr
,bstainer. President Arthur drinks good
ye whiskey during the day, and never less he
han bottle of champagne at dinner - Nv
N. Y. Graphtc va
SINETYNTNE IN THE SHADE.
} for lodge In garden Of cucumbers. wv
. for an Iceberg or two at CONTROL
for a vale that at midday the dew cumbers Ia,
o for pleasure trip up to the pole! Jo'
D for a little one.story thermometer, VI
With nothing but zeroes all ranged In a rowl
} for big double.barreled hygrometer,
To measure the moisture that rolls from ih'
my brow!
} that this cold world were twenty times ho
colder! hc
Chats irony red hot, it seemeth TO mel.
D for o turn OF its dieaded cold shoulder, Lon
o what comfort an sgue would be- 0'
D for gr0tto frost lined and rill riycn,
scooped in the rock under cataract vast!
D for winter OF discomfort even,
O for wet blankpts iudicinuslv cas,'