National Republican., 1883-01-27
TARIFF IN THE FAMILY.

How n Statesman Talks and Acts After
Discussing the Tariff Bill NIL Day nj the
Capitol and Running shc Gauntlet OF
Lobbyists all the Way Home.
The great city of Washington is saturated
with tariff and its revision. The Marquis Of
Lorne might be excused for thinking that we
have tariff for revenue only. In the senate
one hears the clank of iron and sees the glitter
OF steel; in the corridors and galleries he
sees manufacturers and merchants who have
left business at lull or full stop to await the
action which shall point out the way to turn
next; in the long walk from the Senate to tho
house fragments of conversation reveal the
facts that this Is group Of juto men and that
larger gathering Of cotton men that the
passage is blocked with wooden interests and
tho window-niches are alive with sugar re-
liners. Reaching the house he hears tho voice
OF Kelley, the venerable protector, as he de.
tends as well as protests against Mr. McLanc,
OF Maryland, who seeks to tear down passing
to the elevator he catches q glimpse OF
earthenware and glass men in the ways
and means committee room; ho rides
down town with a carload of chemical men
sits at his hotel table with delegation OF
lumber men; smokes his cigar with tobacco
man, and gets but slight relief in change OF
topic by taking drink with bonded whisky
man, from whom he turns TO play game of
pool with q celluloid man. The tariff gets
into his pocket in pamphlets, and gets into his
head in speeches and scraps of conversation.
He seeks the solitude of his room, hoping sur
cease may come with wifely conversation
but alas he is contaminated, inoculated, inn
pregnated with the tariff,
Will you have your slippers ?" says she.
"Yes, with incidental protection In the
shape Of n chair nearer to the fire."
Have you been doing anything worth tell
ing of to-day2"
perhaps so, in the form of an amendment
to the bill"
Never mind the bill. Did you get seats
for the opera2"
mo; the tariff is so high that home made
music will be substituted, and, though tho
present rates do not foster it, our childrcns
voices will be so protected as TO develop them
up to u degree of perfection that will mako
competition with Italy not only safe, but"
YOU'RE u fool. have laid out my dress
for the opera, and hoped you would have sense
enough to attend to the tickets"
so see; and those new stockings remind
mo that the new classification makes the rate
on the grade you wear per cent. higher than
common stockings Now, suppose you were
to have 35 per cent. stocking on one foot
and Do per cent stocking on the other foot,
what would be the mean duty on both feet 7
Tell me that, tell me that"
81 don't care what IL would be; but the
meanest duty you could figure out wouldn't
be half 80 mean rs you are, to forget me and
then come home befuddled with your per
cents. and advances and redootions"
know, but 1t will build up the stocking
trade and make thousands happy and con-
tented. Tho thousandi may be divided into
three classes-those who wear the sleek we'll
made stockings nicely knit and symmetri-
cally narrowed under the high protective
tariff; those who knit and narrow them, and
those who get the common stockings with a
seam in the heel, cheaper on account Of tho
reduced duty"
For heavens sake change the subiectl"
Well, take the petticoat, then, if you want
to limit the debate. There's the lace. That
is advanced and the cotton cloth is reduced,
cry can go to making lace, and perhaps wear
a bit of IL now and then, while they put an
extra breadth in their skirts and still your
petticoat will average no higher"
Good gracious, man, is this treatment Of
me your idea of duty?' '
Specific or ad valorem?" ?"
add insult to injuryW
only in certain cases, such as cigars and
manufactured woolens. 1t is necessary in
those cases to prevent fraud"
81 know one fraud that has never been pre-
vented"
"oh! you are thinking of Sandwich island
sugar"
II am thinking of a stupid ass p
"Ah you want to sit down ON me, do you Z?
You want to crush me just as am beginning
to grasp the subject"
"Oh dear why didn't l marry the presi-
dent of an Industrial league, with library
fnll Of Henry Carey's books, and die in GUS
tom house, according to Heyl? You eat,
sleep, drink, read, and write nothing but
tariff. At this rate"
"Ah! but you forget; we are going to
change the rate The senate bill viii be the
first one completed; then it will be engrossed
and seat to the house"
Just as you are engrossed and sent to this
house to worry the life out Of me with your
confounded tariff talk, when l might have
been listening to Patience"
Patience be id; l want nothing to do
with patience until the tariff is revised and
business starts up"
Meanwhile, sir, | will start up. II is not
enough that you bore me to death with tariff
and rates and per cents, but you must break
out with your damns, and set me crying ut
you when l should be laughing ut Barnaby."
"Go-go Taught at Barnaby. Go wash away
the dams, while the mills stand idle and the
country waits with anything but patience.
Go join IL Golden club--go tear down the bull
warlSs Of your country's prosperity. will
live for q country that puts protective duty
on live stock, and die where dyestuffs are pro-
tected p
Stop your noise, and come to bed"
81 come. Wake and call me early, mother,
before the break of my iron business"