The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1883-09-23
Solomon and His Wives.

the Wisest man, and yet history say s
he had thousand wives. Just
think of it. You have got one wife,
and pa has got one, and all the
neighbors have one, if they have
had any kind of luck. Does not one
wife make you pay attention !?
Wouldn't two wives break you up !?
Wouldn't three cause you to see
staAs? How would ten strike you !?
Why, man alive, you do not grasp
the magnitude of the statement
that Solomon had thousand wives.
A Thousand wives, standing side
by side, would reach about four
blocks. Marching by fours, it
would take them twenty minutes to
pass a given point. The largest of
summer resort hotels only holds
about five hundred people, so Sci
would have to hire two hotels if he
took his wives out for a day i'll the
country. If you would stop and
think once in a while you would
know more"
The grocery mans eyes had be
gun to stick out as the bad boy
continued, as though the statistics
had never been brought to his
attention before, but he was bound
to stand by his old friend Solomon,
and he sa d, "Well. Sol0mon's wives
must have been different from our
wives Of the present day."
"Not much" said the boy, as he
saw he was paralVZing the grocery
man. women have been about the
same ever since Eve She got
mashed on the original dude, and it
stands to reason that Solomon's
wives were no better than the
mother Of the human race. Stats
tics show Tat one woman out of
every ten is red headed. That would
give Solomon an even hui dred red
headed wives. Just that hundred
red headed wives would be enou d
to make an ordinary man thin K that
there was land that is fairer than
this. Then there would be, out
OF the other 900, about 300 blondes,
and the other 600 would be brun-
cites, and maybe he had q few
albinos and bearded women, and fat
women and dwarfs. Now those
1000 women had appetites, desires
for dress and style the same as all
women. Imagine Solomon saying
to them, Girls, let's all so down u
the ice cream saloon and have g
dish of ice cream" Can you, witt
your brain muddled with codfsk
and new potatoes, realize the scene
that would follow? Suppose, aftel
Solomon's broom brigade had 90
seated in the ice creamery
one of the red-headed wives SHOULD
catch Solomon winking at a strange
girl at another table. You MAY
think Soloman did not know enough
to wink, or that he was not tina
kind of a firt, but he must have
been or he could never have sue
ceeded in marrying thousand
wives in a sparseIy settled country
No, sir, it looks to me as though
Solomon, in all his glory. was an ole
masher, and from what have seer
of men being bossed around with
one wife, [ don't envy Solomon
his thousand. Why, just imagine
the gang of wives going and order.
ing fall bonnets. Solomon would
have to be king or a Vanderbilt to
stand it. Ma wears FIVE dollar
silk stocking, and pa kicks
aWfully when the bill comes
in. Imagine Solomon putting up
for thousand pair of silk stockings
l am glad you will sit down and
reason with me in a rational way
about some of these Bible stories
that take my breath away. The
minister stands me off when I try
to talk with him about such things,
and says to study the parable of the
Prodigal Son, and the deacons tell
me togo and soak my head. There
is darned little encouragement for a
boy to try and figure out things.
How would you like to have a
thousand red-headed wives come
into the store this minute and tell
you they wanted you to send car
riages around to the house at
o'clock SO they could go for a drive
Or how would you like to have a
hired girl come rushing in and tell
you to send up six hundred doctors,
because six hundred of your wives
had been taken with cholera NOR
bus? Or"
sob, don't mention it, said the
grocery man, with a shudder. 81
wouldn't take Solomon's place and
be the natural protector of a
thousand wives if anybody would
give me the earth. Think Of getting
up in cold winter morning and
building a thousand fires. Think of
two thousand pair of hands in a
fellows hair! Boy, you have shown
me that Solomon needed a guardian
over him. He didn't have sense"
{" Yes" says the boy, "and think
of two thousand feet, each one as
cold as a brick of cho Isolate ice
cream. A man would want back
as big as the fence to a fair ground.
But 1 don'G want to harrow up your
feelings. Say. how many babies
do you figure that Solomon had to
buy rubber toothing rings for, in all
his glory?"
And the boy went out leaving the
grocery man rejecting on what a
family Solomon must have had, and
bou, bo Daadod tn be the WiSeSt