Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1883-05-18
WIT AND HUMOR.

| W WI IA IIiohcS iLe 'iItoS uc pfplh = tut
| man.
First small girl Il know what I'm
gong to he when | grow up" Second
ditto w nat ~" Won going L. be
when you grow up FIRST small
girl--"A widder."
| A boys tool chest only costs 81. and
ifthe lad is anyways bright, he can
saw the legs off every char in the
house and bore holes through every
door in weeks time.
A Brooklyn grocer put 6,25O beans
IN glass jar, and the guessing ranged
all the way from $50 to $500. It is
one thing to know beans and another
to estimate numbers
You can buy grapes and pears in
winter. but the small boy will not
:tel happy until he can go ont with
ills skates on and buy green APPLES
on the street - will bend him like
an alligator inside of half an hour.
One hotel in Albany has knotted
rope at every window for guests to
let themselves down by. The pro
prietor has been offered 500 to de
| scend this way from the third story
window, but he declines with thanks.
A Chicago man who fogged his
daughter because she had too many
fellows and they disturbed his rest
and also kept the lamp and the fire
burning all night was fined $25.
Parents in Chicago have to be Taught
who is boss.
DIR. Schliemann, it sis stated. will
dig northwest of Athens in search of
Pericles' grave. We suspect a sus
picion has got abroad that the late
MIR. Pericles was poisoned, and it is
proposed to hold post mortenl OK
animation on the body The guilty
should be brought to justice.
a now idea. that of photographing
employees is being adapted by firms
at the East This is done so that if
an employee skips out he can be found.
IL the employees will now insist upon
having photographs of their employ
ers, the thing will be all right. En-
ployers are as apt Is skip out and
leave employees to mourn, as the other
way.
Ellen Foster confidently asserts
that 'by the year 1000 there will not
be a rum-shop in the land" Let us
see, that is III years hence. Long
before that time all the saloon keep
ers now living will have retired as
millionaires. and will care very little
whether the business be kept mp by
their successors or not.
Three Georgia girls each drank
several eggnoggs and whisky
straight, then got in a buggy and
started off in high spirits for PARTY
From the fact that they were snbse
quen ly found asleep in ience
corner. while a blacksmith was scrap
ing up the remains of the buggy with
a hoe, it is fair to infer that the party
passed off without their presence.
An exchange says: Oscar Wilde
will lecture in England on 'ImDres-
sions in America The only impress
sion he ever made was when he vi, tied
bakery and inadvertently sat down
IN pan OF dough-" There must be
some mistake here, and we doubt IF
Mr.. Wilde ever made an impression
under those circumstances. Even if
he had sat down in a pan of dough,
as alleged above, the impression made
would have been in MIR. Wilde instead
of the dough.
A patent medicine man wrote to
the editor of religious paper en-
closing SIS and saying: Enclosed
please find S. for which I want you
to say that my chill medicine Is the
best in the market" The editor re-
piled: Il am thankful for your
opinion of my paper as an advertising
medium. but l cannot conscientiously
say that your medicine is he best.
consequently l decline your profosi
ton" That's an honest man."
mused the advertiser. Some men
would have--hello, he didn't re-
turn the five dollars" :"
One evening recently. while the
prayer meeting at the First Presby-
terian Church was in progress. the
congregation was startled at hearing
an alarm clock in possession of one of
the ladies present go off at a furious
rate. 1t appeared that the owner
had had a matchmaker repair it. and
was very particular in telling him to
set it for half-past five O'clock The
lady was thinking of A. NJ. and the
matchmaker of P. NJ. 1t was set for
$3.50 P. NJ, and went off on time in
the prayer meeting, where the owner
stopped on her way home.
The Chicago Hotel Reporter, speak,
ing in the interest of young men who
complain that the avenues by which
they can earn an honest living re-
specially, are full, calls their atten-
ton to the fact that there is a scare
ity of good hotel cooks. and the
salary good cook receives is "nor-
nous. If the young meu of the pres
ent day will learn to cook. they will
not only stand ii good chance of
getting paying positions. but they
will be considered more available as
matrimonial partners. No family
should be without a head that can
cook.