The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-08-30
WIT AND HUMoR.

terring to rival for the affections of q
young lady, that he thought he knew
enough to be able to cut him out.
Ruskin says no couple should marry
until they have courted seven years.
This would lead one to think that Rus
kin runs a soda-fountain.
Mrs. Homespun, who has horrible
time every morning to get her young
brood out of their beds. says she cannot
understand why children are called the
rising generation.
''Please to give me something, sirp'
says an old woman. ~ had blind
child; he was my only means of sub
sistence, and the poor boy has recover
ed his sight!''
1t is estimated that there are about
2,500,000 stammerers in the world i.
This. we presume, does not include the
young men who only stammer when
they attempt to pop the question.
Yes" said the man, '.it's just my
luck! / ordered that lawn mower to
run early in the morning, to rouse the
stufling out of that neighbor of mine,
and drat me if they didn't send one of
the new noiseless kind"
An Altoona man claims to have seen
n veritable hoop snake near that place.
considerable time to inspecting the con-
tents of the barrel before he saw the
-'hoop. "-Norristo,0 Herald.
Digby has been working hard at Ital-
ian all winter, and resolves to try lit
tie on newly arrived emigrant: Par
late Italiamo, signorp" Emigrant-
"Arrah! Now what are ye givin' us?"
Life.
A Syracuse woman has been dream
ing of seeing a hen walk a fence, and
now what bOthers her is she can't re-
member whether it's sign that next
winter will be a mild one, or that there
will be a death in the family.-Syra-
cuse Herald
An Iowa man asserts that the ground
freezes to such a depth in Dakota that
it never thaws out, and that any one
who will sink well can always have a
supply of ice water. Satan bushes
clear up to the roots of his horns when
such liar as this turns himself loose.
bismarck Tribune.
1t is all well enough to attempt to
cheer us up by saying that fortune
knocks at least once at every mans
door. We all know that the stranger
is pretty sure to make her call when we
are so far away that we couldn't hear
her knock If she battered the door down
with club.
A condemned murderer in Boston re-
ceived much sympathy from number
of ladies, who daily brought him flow
ers and various deiicacies. But one day
he was detected picking his teeth with
n iack-knfe, and his fair spmpathiZ-
ers deserted him and left him to his
fate.
A New York man has compiled one
thousand samples of "poetry" from
autograph albums. Unless he receives
$4,000 he threatens to publish them.
Here; we'll have to borrow the money,
but we'll head that subscription with
$500. The wretch may have ''stan-
za' of our own.
Three persons have sued Rochester
paper for libel, claiming 100000 in
each case. Almost any editor can put
his hand in his pocket and fork over
$500, 900; but he won't do it. He pre-
fers to let the law take its course, and
cut down the sum to 6 cents. Editors
are Just that mean. NorristoUn Herald.
Explicit: Scene-An humble coun-
try hotel. Male guest: ''Pd like TO be
called at 4 tomorrow morning; I'm go
ing fishing" Female domestic (stu-
pidly): "Eh?" Male guest (deliber-
ately): "rm going fishing tomorrow
morning, and / wish to be called early,
not later than L." Female domestic
(stolidly): ''Will you ring?"
The editor of a village newspaper
near the city wrote of n young gentle
man who sung in the choir that he was
among the best of their amateur singers,
and he was Mortified to see it appear in
his paper, lone of the best of our anna
teur sluggers." He has gone fishing
until it blows over.-Ci Cincinnati SGtnr-
day Night.
Mark Twain has celebrated his three
children's birthdays recently by three
granite watering troughs, inscribed
with their names, along much travel
ed road, near Elmira, New York. In
future days, when his dry jokes have
ceased to please or to be remembered,
these moist ones will give pleasure to
-'man and beast"
When you see q young man standing
in front of an ice cream saloon alone in
the evening. do not go so far rs to de-
eide that he has given his girl his last
Is cents, and is waiting on the outside
while she eats it up. One should not
hastily condemn on circumstantial evil
dence, no matter how strong it may be.
--LoDeH Citizen.
WILL WASH.
married my wife for her beauty;
She married me for my--wit,
That got the best of the bargain
I'm candid enough to admit.
Wit often subsidies into drivel,
That 'beautv soon fades" is all bosh;
My wife is to-day at the wash-tub,
So I'm certain that beauty will wash.
-Bu6alo NeUs.
Complimentary: What sorter pictur'
do YOU call thatP" asked an Arkansas
farmer, pointing to a terra Gotta bust
of Charles Dickens. That is n bust of
Charles Dickens. 'Intended to look
like him, amt itP'' "Oh, yes!''' "Wall,
/ can sympathze with him, for lived
in the swamps long time myself.
Zouns, how bilious he must have been
when that thing was tuck"
why do young men remain single?"
asks a newspaper writer. An old phil
osopher once observed that if more
Young men were to marry, there would
be fewer old bachelors in the land; and
the more we reflect on the subject, the
more it strikes us that the old philoso-
pher hit the bulls cye. Young men re-
main single because they don't marry.
The Judge.
An exchange says that New York has
missed one of its lawyers. 1t is strange
that one lawyer should be missed in a
city lice New York, but if the city feels
bad about it the balance of the country
will issue search warrants and find an
other lawyer to fill the vacancy. 1t
might be hard to find another lawyer,
but this country would put forth every
exertion to help New York out of her
latest trouble.
"Mr. Blifkins. do wish you would
give up that abominable practice of
punning," said the good lady TO her old
man at hraak fast Onp mOrninp saYOu