The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1883-03-09

Author or II Robin Grdy,'' " For Lack nf Gold, "
ia Honor Bound "For the King"
Queen Of the Ifeddo,c." Etc.
CHAPTER Will
sELF-roRTURE
Miss Cuthbert wrote:
Il find il almost impossible TO write
about him, and yet my brain seems to
be aching with the desire to tell you,
Lucy, what my thoughts are about this
man. / have again and again deter
mined to do it, and have sat for hours
with the pen in my nand; but the paper
remained blank, and had TO rise as
much exhausted in body and mind as if
L had done a severe days work. / do
not know why this should be when am
writing to you, for wish to tell you
everything. and you understand that no
thought of sparing myself would check
my words; but in spite of all my efforts
the idea which am about to set down
ESCAPES before the pen touches the
paper. The very words seem to fly,
leaving me powerless to tell you any
thing connectedly.
To-day / feel stronger-because l
am angry; and think can show you
that the harshness with which l Judged
him at first was not too harsh, as | be-
gan to fear. After what he has said to-
day, you can not think that [ misjudge
him; after the confession am about to
make of my own feelings. you can not
thinkthat wish to misjudge him.
''Since my last letter. we have fire.
quently met. We have become what
people call great friends. l know
from Mrs. Harper that there are people
who think MS lovers; but rumors of that
kind are raised upon very sli ght founda-
tons. They do 40 harm, apparently,
for so far as am aware they have not
interfered with the attentions of other
suitors. have even had proposals, al
though l have done my best to prevent
them, because they have been always
distressing to me. / dare say that in
time shall find them amusing, as other
girls do.
but he has never done more than
pay NE the most ordinary compliments.
although he has had opportunities such
as have not been granted to any one
else TO speak freely. | have tempted
him to speak. To-day had made up my
mind TO force from him "a declaration
but shrink with a strange feeling of
fright from striking that final blow, and
fear | can not do it. Then the question
startieS me, Do hesitate most on ac-
count of the pain my refusal will cause
him or myself? At one time it seemed
that to see him overwhelmed by my
scontemptuous ridicule would afford me
complete satisfact on for he'anguish he
has caused you. Now l am troubled
about myself; the nearer the end have
in view appears, the more | dread it.
Can you understand this2 Itcan not be
that l love him How timidly that
was written. and am still trembling as
if | were sitting at the top of hill in
an east wind. instead OF being in nv
own warm room. That is the COMES
sion | had to make to you, and it was
not easily done; for writing down this
doubt o. myself seems to give it
probability and 'orm. | am compelled
10 do it. although l know how 1t will
sting YOU to think it even possible that
Your friend should be false to YOU.
Have no tear. There can be no
danger of my caring for him am so
often angry with him, and see his weak
ness and selfishness so plainly. And if
there had been danger. it was removed
to-day when he told me calmly that you
and, he hal ieen good friends, that
was all Hearing that, and remember
ing how everything but words led you
to believe he love you, felt as bitter
" toward him as ever. / was almost
startled into expressing it; but carried
it off SO lightly that he is still unaware
how deeply am interested on your ac-
count. re said / was capital actress.
thinking that the horror felt was only
make believe. He is so easily deceived
that ! wonder whether ne is fool or
only max NO fol of me. That would
be punishment, indeed, for the decep-
ton am practcinr. ! do feel mean
and cruel whenever he makes me think
that he is thinking of you. Should it
prove that i All mi taken, that he really
did care for you, and that only your alb
;sence prevented him from telling YOU, l
could never forgive myself for what
woult then be heartlcss treachery on
my part.
could forgive myself if it should
turn out that he really cares for me.
Il must not think of that, for the
mere lQea utStIdctS me. Lou see now
much reason have to be troubled about
myself, and how am haunted by doubts
and fears Of what am doing. Luckily.
/ can easily bring myself back to COM
mon sense. suppose he might care
Tor me. and had you never existed |
might have come to care for him. But
promised to show you that my first
opinion of him had not been too harsh,
and this should do it
Mrs Harper has told me something
about the Calthorpes. They have fine
place, and old Mr.. Calthorpe lives and
acts as if he were a millionaire. He is
really in poverty. and the whole of his
estates viii be taken from him unless
Il am ashamed to write the words.
and yet glad to do so. because they re-
call my Contemporaries Mr.. Maurice.
as they call him. finds an heiress in time.
with money enough to save the prop
erty! That is what he is seeking, and
he and his father evidently think they
have found the lady in me. Everybody
knows their object, and-oh, it is hor-
ribly contemplate!