davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
SOME SIDE-SPLITTERS.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the New
papers.

What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the NeUs-
papers.
The happy hunting grounds are those where
nobody hunts.-BOstOa Post.
In Siam the people worship the elephant. In
this country they only want to see him.-NeD
Orleans Picaylyae
If those who make up theatre parties were
real polite they would allow the persons on the
stage to do the talking.-Ne10 Orleans Picqylme
When Selwyn was ungalIant: lady of
| irascible temper asked George Selwyn why
woman was made of the rib. Indeed, can't
say" was the reply, "unlcss it be that the rib
IS the most crooked part of the body"
As to paving: An old adage says: He'll is
paved with good intentions" and it's the only
place of which we ever heard that is. Generally
paving is done with the intention of cheating
the city.-BOst0n Post.
Sad even in his smiles: Curran said of an
acquaintance whose expression of cOUntenance
was particularly grave and solemn: whenever
/ see smiles upon that mans face they remind
me OF the tin clasps on an oaken coffin"
Curran's tall friend Somebody asked Cur
ran what business had brought very tall Irish
friend of his to London. " | cannot precisely
say" replied the great lawyer, though he is
one OF my longest acquaintance. Perhaps it Is
to peep down the chimneys of the LOndoners
and find ont what they have for dinner"
Preference: care you travelling alone?"
asked a tail, agricultural-lOoEing gentleman,
approaching a lady who occupied two seats in
a crowded car. No, sir" she replied. May
l ask you who's with you?' asked the man,
looking around vainiy for some other place to
store himself My husband" snapped the
lady, with flashing eyes. My husband is
travelling with me-" 80, all! excuse me" and
the tall man strightened up and prepared 20
. toll. -E.- l., T. -. JnNp
asked a dashing, well-dressed young fellow OF
the lady FIVE minutes later. :" No, sir" she re-
piled. and down he pumped. 1 say, ma'amw
protested the tall man, us that your husband?"
No, he isn't, and you need not ask any more
questions" retorted the woman. But you
said YOU were travelling with him." persisted
the tall man. $50 I am" snorted the lady.
| where is he p insisted the tall man. Hes
| in baggage-car in a coffin" replied the lady.
brakes TrdUeiilg Magazine
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

courage The serious as well as the humor-
Gus side of army life should be portrayed
and any c0mrade who can relate in simple
language, without an attempt at Oratorical
display, some stirring campaign incident,
may be sure of having an appreciatiye audi
encc. On occasions when the doors are
thrown open to the public-and we are glad
to see that they are more frequent than
formerly-it is well, of course, to arrange a
programme in advance, but at informal
gatherings every cOmrade should come pre-
pared to contribute his share to the general
entertainment. And that every comrade
can do something in this direction we know
from the number of communications which
we are daily receiving from our veterans,
and the flucncy with which they describe
the marches and battles in which they par
tiCipated. In their memories, at least, the
events of the war will never lose their fresh
ness, nor will their fund of "reminiscences
ever be exhausted. 1t seems to US, there
fore that it should be the aim of every Post
Commander to draw out, so far as possible,
from his comrades theirpersonal experiences,
and foster by every means in his power this
taste for story telling. 1t is no uncommon
thing-indeed it is very generally the case
in the West-for as many different States
and regiments to be represented in Post as
there are members, and out of their indi-
vidual recolections history Of the entire
war might be constructed. 1t is natural
that our veterans should have keen relish
for funny sayings and comic songs, for the
recitation of the one and the singing of the
other beguiled many weary hour in camp
and prison; but is it not possible to dig
Nifty the art of story telling by employing it
in the relation of all that was glorious and
noble, as well as what was simply amusing,
in the experience of the Nations defenders?
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
the first principle of their Order is frater-
| nity.

THE suggestions offered by Commander
Patch, in his address before the Massachu-
sets Encampment last week, touching the
ACCESSIBILITY of building up a permanent
charity fund in connection with every Post,
and so investing it as to secure our veterans
against poverty and want in their declining
years, deserve the most thoughtful con-
sideration. Although the Grand Army is
still a thriving and growing organization,
the top of the hill must soon be reached, and
the descent on the other side will be all too
easy. Now, while yet it is possible to
arouse public interest in its character and
objects, is the time to put its relief funds on
permanent basis. With prudent manage
ment and the utilization of such Opportu-
mites as may offer-fairs, concerts, dramatic
performances, lectures, and the Iike-for de-
irving aid from the outside public, every
Post should be able, not only to meet the
current demands upon its relief fund, but to
lay aside yearly goodly sum as a reserve
to be drawn upon as future necessity may
require. Our comrades know very well that,
Notwithstanding all the newspaper clamor
about the cost of the pension roll, there are
thousands and thousands of our veterans
who will ultimately be wholly dependent
upon the Grand Army for relief and support,
and it behooves them to make provision in
due season for the fulfllment of the sacred
trust which will be thus imposed upon
them
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
FOR SUNDAY AFTERNOON.
Little Something About What is Going On in the
Religious World.

Father Richter, the new Bishop of Grand
Rapids, Mich, is only thirty-six years old.
Mr. Spurgeon has received $500 as royalty
on the sale in America of = The Treasury Of Da-
vid"
The Pope has made will in which he leaves
a large part Of his property for the promotion
OF education.
A new Catholic cathedral, costing from $780,
600 to 100000, is to be built at Albany. \
suitable plot of ground has already been secured
and paid for and $1,000 has been subscribed to
begin the work.
After holding the pastorate of the First Con-
+ gregatiOnal Church at Hadley, Mass for thirty
five years, the Rev. DIR. Rowland Ayres has re-
signed.
Ten years ago young man went from a lit
tie town in Maine to learn q trade in Boston,
He subsequently studied theology and became
a preacher, and is now pastor of the famous
Old South Church, Boston, at q salary of s., 900
a year.
In the last century preachers made one-third
of all the educated people and welded an intlu-
ence prOportiOnately great. To-day all but one
in nineteen of the graduates of Harvard and all
but one in thirteen of the graduates of Yale
avoid the pulpit
Professor Hiram F. Reed of Philadelphia,
says the Bible is the most dramatic book in the
world, not even excepting ShakeSpeare's plays
and argues that the same care and art required
in reading Shakespeare should be applied to
the reading of the Bible.
The ancient church of Birdbrook England,
contains 4 monumental slab bearing this ex-
traordinary record: Martha BIewitt, of Swan
Inn, at Baythorne End, in this parish buried
May 7, 1851. She was the wife of nine hus-
bands consecutively, but the ninth outIived
her"
When an American missionary offered
Greek Testament the Greek turned to the
title-page and saw: Translated from the origi-
nal Greek" So he gave it back to the mis-
sionary, saying, with bow: THANK you; wa
have the original" Greeks hold, among other
sources of pride, the particular one that the
New Testament was written in their language.
"You went to school at Phillips Academy"
said Professor Park, of Andover, TO the Rev,
Joseph Cook recently, and now you are more
talked about than any of its teachers; you went
to Yale, and you are more talked about than
any of the Yale faculty; you came to our theo-
logical seminary, and you are more talked
about than any of u.s. you lectured at Harvard,
and are more talked about than any professor
at Harvard" Mr.. Cook replied calmly: so
was Guiteau!"
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
The Duty of the Senate.

Both Houses of Congress are now engaged
the passage of which, according to some of
our Senators and Representatives, the saliva
ton ofthe country depends Under the cir
cumstances, therefore, it may seem unkind,
not to say impertinent, to suggest that any
other measure is deserving of attention at
the present time, but, nevertheless, we can
not refrain from reminding our Senators
that the bill to increase the pensions OF one
legged and one-armed soldiers still awaits
their action. If we mistake not the excuse
given for their failure to take up this measure
at the last session was that the Committee
on Pensions had not had time to prepare a
report upon it, but our veterans were assured
at the same time that it would receive atten-
ton early in the present session. In the
light of what has taken place since then, it
must be admitted that the hope held out six
months ago has proved painfully delusive.
1t was not until the last week in January
that the bill was even reported, and ii then
came from the committee burdened with
such conflicting recommendations as to
make it difficult to determine whether the
Republican or Democratic members were
most anxious to defeat it. Since that time no
effort whatever has been made to call it up
for action, the Senate as we have intimated
being up to its ears in the consideration of
the tariff BILL and inasmuch as but four
weeks of the session stiIl remain, it cannot
be said that the outlook is very encouraging.
And yet it is hard to believe that the Senate
will permit measure of such importance as
this TO die on the calendar. 1t cannot be
ignorant Of the profound interest which our
eX-soldiers take in its fate and the odiun
which it viii incur should ii fail to respect
their wishes, and one would suppose that
considerations of personal, if not public, in
terest would prompt it to make some dispo-
sition of the bill That it could well afford
to suspend the consideration of other bust
ness for period sufficiently long to admit
of brief discussion of its merits and a final
vote upon the question Of its passage must
be evident to everybody, and nothing is
more certain than that an adjournment with
out action Of some kind Will subject it to
bitter public censure. Our veterans have
been patient and long-sui1ering, but they are
not in q humor to tolerate further trifling.
They have waited and waited and waited,
submitting to neglect and delay without
murmur, but the time has come when prom
ises will satisfy them no longer. The failure
of the FOrty-dollar bill may be fraught with
serious consequences to those who make
themselves responsible for it.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
PU Bills H ED w z E K L Y
One Dollar per Year.

Eg-TERMs OF Observation-Disclosures CASH IN
GoyANcE.-NorCy FORWARDED oT-LRwrsE THAN REGIS
TERED LETTER, POSTAL MONEY ORDER, OR CRAFT ON New
YosK VIII uE AT TIE RISK THE SENDER, As ALSO AL
SUBSCRIPTIONS PAID TO AGENTS.
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. CAN ALWAYS ASCERTAIN
TIE 0ATE wHEH THJR SUBSCRIPTION WILL EMPIRE Uy LOOKING
At TIE KumrER or TI WRAPPER or THlR PAPER, wcs IS
1EE SAVE AS THAT or THu WHOLE MURDER" or The LAST
ISSUE WHICH THsY AaE EMITTED TO RCCEnE.
EG-ADDRESSES. - ADDRESSES VIII EE CHANGED As
OFTEN As DESIRED But SUBSCRIBERS SHOULD IN AL CASES
GIVE Their OLD As WELL as NJ" ADDRESS.
GJCCRRES NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. SOLICITED
FROM EVERY SECTION as RzGaz0 TO AL GRAND ARMY, PE~so%
MILITARY, AGRICULTURAL, INDUSTRIAL AND Household MAT
TEES, AND LETTess TO TIE E2ToR VIII ALWAYS RECEIVE
PROMPT ATTENTION. WRiTE on ONE SIDE or TIE PAPER
ONLY
A1- ADVERTISING RATES.-WANTs TEA AGATE lNz)
THREE LINES IS CTS OTTER TRANSIENT ADVERTISING,
20 CENTS prs LINE. THIRTEEN MsE7TONs 10 Per CENT DIS
COUNT; TwENTY-sm INSERTIONS 80 Fls CENT. DISCOUNT )
EFT-Two INSERTIONS so Pea CENT. DISCOUNT ADDRESS ALL
LETTERS
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE,
615 FIFTEENTH ST., WASHINGTON, D. c.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
Camp-Fires and Story Telling.

A comrade at Washington C.. H., Ohio, in
forms us that one OF the features of the
Campfire which John NJ. Bell Post, of that
place, is about to hold, will be the publica-
ton OF Post newspaper, to which every
member is expected to contribute some in
cident of the war; This is a capital idea
and cannot fail to be productive of good re-
suits The truth is that the narration of
personal experiences by Post comrades in
any form ought to be encouraged. A good
story Of army life, whether told in print or
related at some social assemblage of our vet
Grams, is not merely a source of individual
enjoyment, but very effective means of
keeping up the interest Of our comrades in
Post work and stimulating the spirit Of fra
ternity. The number of those who have a
natural talent for story telling is compare
lively small, it is true but it is not mt all
necessary that man should be born hui
morist" in order to entertain an audience,
nor is it essential that every anecdote or
Renaissance should be of jocular nature
In fact, some of the stock stories which
are heard at Post Camp-fres might very well
be left untold, so little do they appeal to
the finer sensbilities. 1t would certainly
afford far more substantial entertainment
were orr veterans to discard all jokes of
that character and give more attention to
descriptions of famous battles, hair breadth
escapes, prison experiences, scouting expe-
ditiOns, and deeds Of personal her0ism and
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
4 Sacred Trust.

On the 3lst of May, 1885, according to
the terms of the present law, the Soldiers
Orphans Schools of Pennsylvania will close
by limitation. On that date, should the
law not be repealed, nearly twelve hundred
childred under the age of sixteen will be
turned adrift in the world, with their edu-
cation but partly finished and in no condi-
ton to enter upon hand-to-hand struggle
with poverty. To subject them to such a
fate would be clearly an act Of gross injus-
tice, and it is the duty of the Pennsylvania
Legislature to guard against it by making
provision for the continuance of these schools
until such time as their purpose shall have
been fully accomplished. The only objec-
ton that has so far been raised against ali
extension Of the period fixed for their disso-
luton is that urged by the Philadelphia
Ig1-IS, an extract from which appeared in
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

1t is not our custom to mention editorially
or endorse every patent medicine that may
from time to time be advertised in these col
umps, nor can it be expected that we should be
acquainted with the merits or dement's of such
articles. We do know, however, that Durangs
Rheumatic Remedy "a notice of which appears
on our 9Th page under the heading Doctors
Evidence on Rheumatism y is a reliable COM
pound, and we do not hesitate to say so.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

IT WILL be seen by reference TO Com
mander in Chief Van Dervoort's remarks
at the fourth annual Convention of the
Woman's Relief Corps Of Massachusetts, at
Boston, last week, that he is OF the same
opinion rs THE TRIBUNE touching the
desirability Of admitting all loyal and phi
lanthropic women to membership in these
societies, without regard to whether they
are relatives of soldiers or not, and it IS to
be hoped that his sage and far-sighted coun-
sci viii be generally followed. Like the ivy
which clings to the crgmbling wall, the care
and love of woman will preserve our veterans,
IS age creeps on, from the fate iof tho forgot
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
A Brush We'll Apnlied

And previously moistened with SOZODONT
removes the defacing evidences of neglect from
the teeth, and tightens them in their sockets
If the breath has repellent smell, the article
substitutes for that its own pleasant aroma.
Shrunken and infamed gums are restored to
health by its use, and canker of the mouth
cured. System in the use o. this fine antiseptie,
as of other promoters of health, is highly de-
sirable. Apply nothing but the genuine.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

THE number Of pension certificates issued
during the month Of January, was as fol-
lows: Original, 2,Ss5; increase, 627; reissue,
22s; restoration, 81; arrears, -; duplicate,
1O7; accrued, 2O7; total, Abb. The num-
her issued during they week ending Tuesday,
the 9th inst, was as follows: Original,
673; increase, 30; reissue, %; restoration,
6; duplicate, 20; arrears, /; accrued pen
sions, Sc; total, 500
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

II any enc imagines that the soldier is
played mt" let him read the letters pub
lishcd elsewhere IL THE TRIBUNE under the
title Returning the Fire. The hands Of
our veterans may not be as steady us they
were twenty years ago, nor their sight quite
as keen, but their aiIa is none the less ac-
cug@tc nor their execution less deadly. Woe
betide the politician who ventures within
range Of their guns.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
WASHINGTON, D. C., FEBRUARY s, 1883.

The number Of subscriptions to THE Ma
TIoNAL TRIBUNE received during the month
Of January, acos 1920. The number re-
ceired during tie 'reet ending Tuesday, tie
9Th inst, aras l,497.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

WE cannot undertake 10 print or notice
letters intended Republication in THE TRIB-
UNE unless they are accompanied by the
writer's real name.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

THE readers of THE TRIBUNE may per-
haps derive inspiration as well as entertain
ment from persusal of the extracts which
we publish in this weeks issue from the
letters Of our club raisers. They set forth,
as no words of ours could, the reasons which
should prompt every friend Of the soldier to
build up THE TRIBUNE's circulation.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

SUBSCRIBERS engaged in the work Of es-
.ablishing new Posts of the Grand Army can
obtain blanks for signatures by applying di-
rectly to THE TRIBUNE
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

CoMRADE WM. o. Common, Attleboro
Mass, calls our attention to the fact that ne
is entitled 10 be credited in the recent club
competition with'all subscriptions sent in
between the 10Th Of September and the first
of January, that is to say, 104 instead of
IS subscriptions, as previously announced
in THE TRIBUNE. Upon examination of
our books we find that Comrade Connors
statement is correct, and he is, therefore, en-
titled 10 second instead of third place in our
list Of club raisers. Comrade Common is a
model canvasser, and scarcely a week goes
by that club from Attleboro does not put
in an appearance.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

THE chronological arrangement of the
military events Of the war for the readers of
THE TRIBUNE involves a vast amount of
research among war records, and the work
is compiled from the best official data avail
able. If mistakes in dates occur, our readers
will confer favor by calling our attention
to them, as one of the objects in publishing
the chronology is to obtain from partici-
pants in the several engagements any cor
recttons or suggestions that may make it
valuable for future reference.
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08
The NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
ESTABLISHED 1879

= To Gaze FOR WHO 'rss borne TIE BATTLE, AND FCR
MS WIDOW AID CRFHAEs.'r HLEs-a" LwCCJN.
TEE VALIDITY Of T-5 PyGuc oroT or TIE UNTEc
sTaTEs, AUTHORIZED uy lA, INDUCING DEBTS INCURRED FOR
FEYHEsT or FCNslCHs AE0 COUNTIES Fer stErr7 E CUP.
PRESSING RESURRECTION or REBELLION GklL NOT &c GUS
1oNE0."-SEC. :, EET. XIV CONSTITUTION oF The UNTEo
STATES.
CONSIDER IT TpE keLCsT PAPER DEVOTED TO TEE IhTER-
FISTS or T-E SCLCLR PUBLISHED ~ COUNTY,. lEsFhEsTY
coYwUS0 IT 10 ALI COMRADES or THE C62LR."
Paul NsHDEFOCRT,
Couu,sguals- CHrr, c. A. r..
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

ELSEWHERE in our columns this week will
be found a number Of brief sketches of life
in Southern prison pens, embodying the per
sonal experiences Of the writers. We cannot
find room for the publication of extended
histories, but short and graphic accounts
from eye-witnesses Of rebel atrocities will
always be acceptable. We shall shortly
have something to say of the treatment of
Union soldiers in the Southern prisons as
disclosed by the official records
The National tribune. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1877-1917, 1883-02-08

ten and forsaken, and over their infirmities
throw a grateful shield apd cover. The
tendriIs of woman's affection cannot too
soon reach down into the life of the Grand
Army nor too closely twine about it.
Milford chronicle., 1883-02-16
The Gout.

On the anniversary Of his late birthday
Gen. James Watson Webb remarked to
a visitor that, having had the gout for
ffty-nine years, he had become quite
accustomed to managing it. Describing
his occasional twinges, he said they re-
minded him Of the Frenchman's descrip-
ton of the difference between rheuma-
tism, nAammatoFy rheumatism, and
gout He said
"Put your foot in wise and squeeze
it as hard as you can; that's rheumatism.
Give it one more squeeze, with the aid
of friend; that's inhammatory rheuma-
tism. But send out into the street and
bring in some strong fellows to put on
The screws still harder; that's the gout.
Milford chronicle., 1883-02-16
WHY NOT 81 KE MOTHER ?
A Question for the Farmers to Answer

The farmer sat in his easy chair
Between the fire and the lamplight's glare,
His face was ruddy and full and fair,
His three small boys in the chimney nook
Conned the lines of picture-book;
His wife, the pride of his home and heart.
Baked the biscuit and made the tart.
Laid the table and STEPPED the tea
Deity, swiftly, silently;
Tired and weary, weak and faint,
She bore her trials without complaint,
Like many another household saint
Content all selfish bliss above
In the patient ministry of love.
At last between the clouds Of smoke
That wreathed his lips, the farmer spoke:
There's taxes to raise and interest to pay,
And if there should come a rainy day
'Iwonld be mighty handy, I'm bound to say,
+ have something put by. For folks must die
An there's funeral bills, and grave-stones t
buy
Enough to swamp man, purity nigh;
Besides. there's Edward an Dick an Joe
To be provided for when we go.
So If were You, I'll tell You what I'd du;
/ be savin' Of wood as ever l could
Extra fires don't do any good;
I'd be savin' of soap, an savin Of lie.
And run mp some candles once in while:
I'd rather be sparin' of coffee and tea,
For sugar is high,
An all to buy.
And cider is good enough drink for me;
I'd be kind o careful about my clo'es
And look out sharp how the money goes
GewgaWs Is useless mater knows;
Extra trimmin'
S the bane of women.
Id sell the best Of my cheese an honey.
An eggs is as good, nigh bout as tn money;
An as tn the carpet You wanted new
l guess we can make the old one du:
And as for tn washer an sewin machine,
Them smooth-tongued agents, so pesHv mean.
You'd better get rid of 'em slick an clean.
What do they know bout women's work.
Do they oalzilate women was made to shirk ?"
Dick and Edward and little Joe
Sat in the corner in row.
They saw the patient mother go
On ceaseless errands to and fro;
They saw that her form was bent and thin.
Her temples gray, her checks sunk in;
They saw the quiver Of lip and chin
And then, with a wrath he could not smoother
Outspoke the youngest, frailest brother:
You talk of savin' wood an lie
An tea an sugar all the while.
But you never talk of sayin' motherr