Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1883-05-17
Gentlemanly Joe.

branch of it which did thriving bust
ness in the great commercial city of
Birchespool. 1t did not require more than
five minutes acquaintance, however, to
inform the unintiated that the appar-
emily complimentary epithet was be-
slowed rather from n keen sense OF
humor on the part of his five fellow
clerks, than on account of any excep-
tional claims to blue blood in case OF
Mr., Joseph Smith himself. Even the
casual customer, whose knowledge OF
Joe was limited TO watching the self
satisfied smirk and enormous watch
guard at the other side of the shining
mahogany desk, or admiring the em-
phasis with which he utilized his mois-
tened thumb in overcoming the gregar-
ious leaves Of his edger, must have
been struck by the misappropriate
epithet. To us, however, who had, so
to say, sat at his feet and maryelled at
the war of independence which he was
carrying on against the Queens Eng
lish--a guerilla warfare consisting in
attacks upon aspirates, and the cut
ting off of struggling gs-to us our
fanciful soDriquet was a joke of the
first water. If any thing could have
enhanced our enjoyment Of it, il was
the innocent gravity with which our
companion accepted the doubtful title,
and after one feeble remORstrance,
adopted it forever as his own preroga-
tive and right.
The circumstance of that remon-
STRANGE deserve to be recorded. Be-
fore the arrival of Mr.. Joseph Smith
from the parental training stables-his
father was a successful sporting tout
who had developed into d trainer-our
office had been particularly aristo-
cratic one. Welstead, our senior clerk,
was fine, handsome young fellow OF
twenty-six who came of a good Scotch
strain, and was occasionally under
stood to make dark illusions concern
ing the extinct earldom of Stirling
Dullen and Moreby were Oxford men,
well connected and well read; little
Sparkins was the son of high church
clergyman. and | had some of the best
blood of Wales in my veins. No won
der, then, that our dignity was hurt by
the appearance of loudly-dressed,
scorbutic-looking youth, with horse
shoe pin and a necktie suggestive of
spectrum analysis, upon the very stool
lately vacated by my old college friend
Vernon Hawkins-most genllemanly
and quiet of mankind.
For q few days we contented our
selves with observing the habits and
customs of the creature. There was an
audacity about his vulgarity, and a
happy Inconsistencies of all offense,
which fairly disarmed criticism. 1t
was not until he began to address us as
"old pals" and went the length of play
ing small practical joke upon little
Sparkins, that a spirit of resistance be-
gan to stir within our bosoms, and that
Welstead, as usual, was pushed for
ward as our mouthpiece.
"You see, Smith," he remarked in
his most languid tones, ''you have
been in our office n comparatively short
period, and yet you have taught us
many things which are new TO us.
There is a natural buoyancy about
your character which points YOU out as
one to shine in the most select circles
Before your arrival we had never learn
ed to designate ladies as 'lillies,' nor
had we learned of the real gents
whom you mentioned as having fire.
quented your fathers establishment.
These things interest and please us.
Allow us toishow some small sense of the
honor your society confers upon us, by
christening you as 'Gentlemanly Joe,'
excuse the liberty we take with your
name in consideration of the allitera-
tom
A great part of this speech must have
been lost upon Mr.. Joseph, but never
did elaborate sarcasm fall so utterly
flat Instead of being offended, as we
had fondly hoped would be the case, he
burst into an uproarious fit of laughter,
and slapped his gathered leg with the
ebony ruler in token of delight "Haw.
hawi" he roared, writing about on the
top of the high stool ''Whateverll
father say 4! Oh! law. to think of it
'Gentlemanly Joe''-eha You're right,
to own up neither. | said when | was
comm up, Father, says |, I'll teach
them trick or two,' and | have, hain't
Up or course we're all gents here, for
clerks is mostly reckoned such, but it do
make a difference when one has been
brought in contac' with the real thing.
You can call me Gentleman Joe, an
pleasure, but not rs meaning to imply
that there is any in this room not such,
though, maybe. not one of you has seen
n belted hurl give your father one in the
short ribs and holler out, You're deep
old scoundrel, Smith. and one as knows
how many beans makes five "
Welstead's face at the idea of his
equity governor receiving such an atten-
ton at the hands of nobility was so lud-
ferrous that we all burst into roar of
laughter, which ended the first and last
attempt to take n rise out of our bu-
collie companion. 1t is true that his
life was spent under continual shower
of small Jokes and chaff, and that his
new name superseded his old one, but
there was massive simplicity about the
man, and marvellous power of con-
vertlng the most unpromisng remarks
into compliments, which rendered him
very disconcerting individual to at
tack. illusions to his. hat, necktie, or
any other popularity of raiment were
met by his eternal horse laugh, and an
earnest recommendation that we should
allow him to send down to the country
and procure fac SMILES for all and each
of us. You hain't got nothin' spicy
in Birchespool," he would remark.
Lord, | know place at 'ome where
you can get your collars spotted over
with foX's 'eads instead of bein' plain
white, which is poor color at the
best think he imagined it was
nothing but want of money which in
duced us to refuse to purchase these and
and other Injuries and he was wont to
throw illusions as to ''it's not costing
us nothing while he iingled the loose
coins in his tropeer pockets.
Town life did not improve Joseph.
On the contrary, he deteriorated.
During the first six months that he
honored the Office with his presence, he
not only lost none of the traits which he
had brought with him from his fathers
stables, but he grated upon them every
thing which is Objectionable in the city.
The premonitory symptoms were a sus-
picious waXiness of the half-dozen hairs
which adorned his upper lip, and the
appearance of large diamond ring
with II greenish and vitreous hue His
next venture was an eye-glass; and he
finally launched forth into light ulster
decorated with a large black check,
which gave him the appearance of being
inside cage, with his head projecting
at one end and his feet at the other.
Its a proper thing for gent to
wear. he remarked. "When YOU see
Il get-up like this you know at a glance