The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-03-21
COMIC COMMENTS.

young children"
The Song of Solomon: So hellep me
grashus, dot coat fits you like de baper on
de walls. Puck.
The truly liberal: 1t is the rich oyster
iealer who knows how to shell out N =.
Commercial Advertiser.
Vas to luck and lazness When luck
knocks at the door, it often finds the man
inside too lazy to lift the latch Waitehai
Times
Mechanical modesty: What is chsrac.
teristic of watch? Modesty, for it keeps
it's hands before its face and runs down its
own works
The really deadly kind A Cleveland
man has invented vacuum gum" This
is bad. 1t is always the empty gun that
kills the small boy.-Ne,o Hdren Register
Found at last +: The circus rider who
was elected to the italian Parliament is, we
believe, the politician who can successfully
tide two horses at once- PHILADELPHIA
Neaos
Following the golden rule Toledo has
one of the most exemplary Christian young
ladies we ever knew When kissed on the
right cheek she always turns the loft ALSO
Toledo American.
Philosophical The moralist says.
Every man is occasionally what he ought
to be perpetually." Then, again, some men
are perpetually what they ought to be only
occasionally. -Rew Orleans Picoyune.
How to keep the bore away Said the
rich and quiet-loving citizen; "If a man
bores me and don't like him and want him
10 keep away from me don't snub him.
just lend him five dollars. boston Post.
Individual insignifcance: A man
never realizes the lttleness OF his own abili.
ties SO much as when, after blacking his
own boots, he is greeted by tho frst boy he
meets with the customary "Shine 2n-Lo,o.
Ell Citizen.
Very painful: He was making call
and they were talking OF literature. 1.-THE
Pilgrims Progress" she remarked, "al.
ways seemed to me painful. OF course you
are familiar with BunyanP" He said he
had one on each foot, and they bothered
him good deal
Keeping the domestic An Iowa Judge
refused woman divorce which she want
ed because her husband kissed her pretty
servant He said she ought to be thankful
that her husband had found way to keep a
servant girl. Anon.
Suggestion as to armor Nothing an.
noys the keeper Of railroad restaurant
more than to have one customer ask in a
rather loud tone of another; Have they
ever tried plating war ships with this kind
OF sandwiches Pr Boston Pest
About another deacon: The deacon
son was telling the minister about the bee,
singing bis pa, and the minister inquired
"stung your pa, did they9 Well, what did
your pa sayS" "Step this way a moment"
said the boy, "rd rather whisper it to YOU"
Chicago Cheek.
Railroad timetable: "when did the
first train leave Austin for San Antonio ?"
asked stranger at the railway depot Of Gil
hooly. 1.-The first train left for San Anto-
MO when the railroad was completed be.
tween the two cities; that was about two
years ago. You don't expect to 20 over on
it, do you Pr Teas Sittings.
Brand new remedy for neuralgia: An
excellent linment for neuralgia IL made OF
sassafras, oil of organum and half ounce
OF tncture OF caosicum, with half pint of
alcohol. Soak lime yards of red flannel in
rttx tftra
then insert the head in haystack till death
comes to your relief Laramie Boomerang.
Real estate item He was real estate
agent and complained that he had had three
adjoining houses to let since last fall, and
couldn't get rid of them ON any terms.
whats the cause ?" asked n friend.
Malaria ?" mo" rum mill on the
corner ?" No" Neighborhood infested
with cats?n mo" "What then ?'
"Well, there's man who lives across the
way with his daughter, and he's trying to
make an American prima donna OF her.
Brooklyn Eagle
Religion above all things: What
other business do you follow besides preach.
ings" was asked of an old colored man.
IL speculates little" How speculate p.
" Sells chickens" " Where do you get the
chckens~ "My boys fetch 'em ill.,"
Where do they get them ~ 81 doan
know. sab. Pse alters 80 busy wild my
presehin' dat amt got time to ak. was
gwine ter inquire de udder day, but a
'yival come on an tuck up all my time"--
Arkansa1 Traveller.
A fash from the tea-kettle: A lady
had in her employ an excellent girl, who
had one fault Her face was always in a
smudge. Mrs. tried to tell her to
wash her face without offending her, and at
last she resorted to strategy. "Do you
know, Bridget she remarked, in conf.
dental manner, lit is said if you wash youi
face every day in hot soapy water it will
make you beautiful 2" "Will il ?" answer.
ed the willy Bridget; "sure it's wonder We
never tried it, ma'am. y" Hagersto,ca Nens
She couldn't resist that: There was no
probability that she would marry him, this
fair daughter of the South, with her haugh-
ty air aud classic Tennesseean face, SO she
frankly told him SO at once. but hear me
through" he passionately implored. II
have not enumerated all my claims upon
your favorable consideration. This very
afternoon met Colonel Bnngstarter on the
street and shot him down in his tracks /"
"You are not deceiying mef" asked the
lovely creature, eagerly. If you doubt
me, hasten to the ncighboring drug store.
Four doctors are already there picking the
buckshot out of him. !" g This Ia too hero
ic," cried the girl, with enthusir SIN, ana
when she lifted her sunny curls from his
shoulder five minutes later she had promised
to wed him ere the crocuses bloomed again
--Broskyn Eagss.