The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-06-16
SICK PRESIDENTIAL TIMBER.
'Peek,s Sum


 It will be necessary to have a board of examiners whose duty it shall be to in- vestigate the health of aspirants for the presidency. Every day we see the ne- cessity of such board. Papers no sooner begin to boom candidate for the office than opposition papers proceed to show that the candidate Is q nice man, and all that, but he is on his last legs: and the people are Jeff in state of uncertainty as 10 whether they shall cast a balo: or a recipe for curing paralysis or senile gan- grene for the candidate. No sooner does a man become little prominent as a presidential candidate, than his enemies begin to search among his archives for softening of the brain, or gou, When a man is spoken of for president. he dare not cough, for fear some opponent will say. There's another lung gone" 4 man makes a speech on a topic of public interest. and captures the whole country, and some one says: What a candidate for president he would make" and a man al his elbow says: .Yes. he's a good talker, but his liver is torpid" And people pat the orator on the back for his speech, and pity him on aecoun, of his liver. A man may have been known for thirty years as one of the first statesmen of the land. and be a perfect picture of health, and the eyes of the nation begin to turn his way. and he is in fair way to take c;stern pole and knock down the presidential persimmon. when some wicked paper will tell that he has seiatic rheumatism in both legs, heart disease, and chronic painters collie, and ,ha, set ties him. What we want is board of eight 10 seven doctors, 10 make an ante morem examination of candidates. as to the state of their bodily health. to report at once, and relieve the people. Now, there's Tilden. healthy enough to make millions of money. argue cases in court, ride horseback. and play polo. base ball, and hght prize-nght six days in the week. and pray withou, teasing on the seventh and yet. when h,s name is spoken of for the presidency. he becomes paralyzed from head 10 foot. in the pa- pers, and has 10 ca, soup out of syringe. These things are not right. Wha, the people want 10 know is. whether Til6en is an athlete. or a shrimp: and the only way to ind out is for a board of doctors ,o hold an inquest on him. take out his brain and weigh 1t. and size him up generally Tn the interest of science and the people. Hendricks. the healthiest-looking man in. Indiana. is posel before the voters as dying of senile gangrene; Seymour, dy- ing of old age, when he IS, to our certain, knowledge. ab c to milk kicking COW, and co a large chutning for the family before breakfast. Talk about the power oi the press. lt can make an interesting invalid of healthy man quicker than anything in the world. ii the man be- comes addicted ,o the presidential bee in his bonnet. Wisconsin has 90; two healthy men in training. Faifch;ld and Villas. for the presidency. both young men. full of vlnegar: but we dare no: % i io sleep for fear some newspaper man will discover that fairch,ld is dying from
 h,s old wound, CT with chronic something or other. eaugh; n the army. and that they Will catch iias eating a cough lozengc to clear his throat. and swear that one lung IS entirely gone and the other badly off for the free air of heaven. i It Is getting unsafe 10 have a presiden- ,ial candidate at ali. but If we must have them. and there seems 10 be no other way. let us have board of physic sharpS who shall give the candidates certificate that they are liable to live through a coronation at least # elected. If such a
 board could have examined Hayes and told the truth about his uncomfortable appetite Tor the stimulating buverr,lk
 and the soul destroying crab-app.e laice. the country might have been spared he sad spectacle of presiden, reellng
 around under the influence of bottled mineral water. If Arthur could have come up before such board and had an analysis made of his stomach. il could have been easily discovered that he could never stand the strain of four years of high living. and somebody else would have been pu, up who could digest mai leable iron fritters done up in sand pa per. \ campaign Is soon to come on. and the people wan, 10 know who is as we'll as could be expected. and who will no, be able to pull through. Give us an eSarn- ming board. and charge ,he expense ,o the star route trial.