The Rock Island Argus., 1883-04-27
WIT AND HUMQR.


The man who signs another maff's
name to check may be said to be forg-
/ ing ahead In the world.
All is not sealskin that shines. Cats
| have been known TO run on backyard
| fences when a new fur cloak was going
| by.
A man who visited the signal service
department while in Washington. says
it reminded him of a social party. All
the people were talking about the
weather.
There is a supply of eognomens in the
world sufficient to suit both sexes, but
when it comes to naming the first baby
the selection appears, as meager as the
purse of the proud parent.
The statistics, as given by the Detroit
Free Press, show that California stage
robber saved S4 581 in ten months, but
in nine months a Niagara hackman
saved $5, ,265.
We have heard negroes singing I'm
bound for the promised land, while
walking along the street at night. But
they couldn't fool us that way; they
were bound for somebody's hen roost.
Fogg had tooth which troubled him
exceedingly, but lhe wouldn't have it
out. not because he was afraid to, as
some of the directors affirmed, but be-
cause he wished to retain it as q keeps
ache.
tYou wouldn't take me for married
man, would you?" asked a student of
Courtland girl Sunday night. Il rather
think / would if you should ask me, !"
was the response. He bought a ring
next day.
A Delaware girl married a young
man the same day he went to jail, her
object being to have some romance
about it. The dav after hecame. out he
broke her nose, and she sfghs for no
more romance.
A Colorado man was recently killed.
while gathering scuttle of coal in his
back yard. After few more heart
rendering occurrences like this, wives
win begin TO learn stheir household
duties. The Drummer.
Orange suppers' are the latest New
Hampshire dissipation. The Baptist
Society at Amherst had one last week,
at which ..oranges cooked in various
Ways constituted large part of the
refreshments. Banana kettledrums
will come next
The Rev Joseph Cook says that, un-
der the sacredness of the betrothal tie,
Hindoo woman is lower than a slave,
if her spouse dies. 1t is different in this
country. Here in this country she is
lower than a slave, as long as her spouse
lives.
A paper started in New York two
weeks ago has not yet announced that
it has a larger. circulation than any
other journal in the city" 1t is the
only paper that hasn't. Perhaps the
editors have conscientious scruples
against lying! Norristoeeaa Heratd.
During the honeymoon a man can
come home from lodge at late hour,
fall down, roll under the bed. and tell
his wife he is looking for his collar-but-
ton, but after that period the explana-
ton wears an extremely gauzy appear
ance. z
1t took a certain Young clerk All abacx
when at the Opera Honse-last evening.
he whispered to his girl that he guessed
he would step out moment TO take the
air, and She quickly responded: 1t is
very ryoppressive. dear; III go with YOU.
- R0u7ad Table.
Mr. and Mrs. David Davis are home
from their wedding tour, and invitations
are ont for quilting bee. Quilts, how
ever. are not much needed this time of
the wear, and most likely this is only a
blind, Mrs. Davis object being to get
enough help to build patch for David's
trousers.
Can You tell me, said frugal |
wife. to the head of the family, as. She |
handed him p pair of trousers of her |
own manufacture, lean you tell me the |
Inference between your wife and an |
irish peer?" go on, dear" was the |
'eply; proceed. and do your worst"
The difference is that one makes the
addy's pants and the other makes the
'addy's dance. - I
This was the way his spouse .eneourag-
d him, when he fell from Memphis /
erry-boat into the Mississippi and was
in the water for dear life:
Now. Samuel, didn't | tell you so?
Iow, then, work your legs. flop YOUR
rms, hoM your breath, and repeat the.
ord s Prayer, for its mighty uncertain,
amuel, whether you land in New Or
cans or eternity"
A certain Uncle James of our ac-
whose execution is not quite
quail to his preference for, the violin,
7as paid delicate left-handed compli- I
lent the other night by his little niece,
rho. being awakened sometime in the
mall hours of the night by the hideous
of two felines under the
Tindow, naively remarked, Mamma,
don't like to hear Uncle James play
n the violin
A St. Louis doctor asserts that an old
elbow on the State line, who claims to
e a root doctor, has but three medicines
n the dispensatory. He has named
hem respectively Hibobalorum, Lobo-
and Hilobustem. One is ca
hartic, another an emetic and the last
frank pizen," which will bust his
atients open. He makes the first by
ceiling the bark downward, the second
y pee1ing it upward and the last by
ceiling it around.
Heard in the great West: ''Is that
he big bonanza mine over there?'
Yes. '.And did that big pile of ore
viii stake out claim right here, go
ack East and form company"
But there is no ore in this part of The
istrict, you know?' Never mind
bout that 1 can say there is plenty OF
re in sight - -P2tilGdel2ltia NeUs.
'.Mr Speaker" ;" said an Arkansas
egislator, Il am compelled to ask for o
cave of absence, having just received ,
elegram stating that my son has killed .
man" just then another dispatch
'as handed to him, and after reading il
9 said: ''The last dispatch, Mr.. {
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