Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1883-11-21
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

HUMOROUS ITEMS.
ADMIRAL PORTER says that our navy
now is "mostly officers and water"
IF they take the tax off whisky it will
go down. The kind they make now
shows an occasional disposition to come
up.
MONEY, in Tonqnin, is made of leaa.
A lady going SHOPPING is followed by
coolle, who carries her purse and per
spires.
Old gent" Mrs. B., did you
keep diary during your visit to that
country?" Mrs. B., ind1gnantly-"No.
sir; 1 didn't. The famil y bought milk
from tho neighbors.
IT makes the laudlady mad to hear
one boarder remark to another while
rising from the dinner-table, "Now,
Jim, let's 60 to a restaurant and get
something to eat. "-Oit city Derrick.
The English alphabetis tolerab1y vir-
tuous. Twenty of the letters have new
or been in prison.-NeW York Ne,ys.
Yes, but look what a lot Of them are
now in penltentiary. -Norristov,s Her.
ala.
We haven't time to build a conun-
drum to-day, but here is the answer to
the one we would construct if We had the
leisure. viz: "Ohe is a poor singer,
and the other is Singapore
t0W'a Herald.
II HERD Brother Talmud was out
walkiD' down by the bay agiu last
night" said Aunt Tahetha to friend
she is visiting in Brooklyn, "apd
hain't no doubt he is rakin' together
more malaria for sermons !"
"Do you know, my dear" said fond
mother to her little son at an uptown
table d'hote. ''that the word menu
means bill of fare in French ?" "Oh,
yes, mamma" was the miscbievous re-
ply, "menu it," Mamma turned pale
and called for water.-New York Conn.,
zsercial Advertiser.
A LITTLE grandson of Mrs. Andrews
was attempting to build three-legged
stool, when he looked up to her and
said: "Grandma. does God see everv-
thing?" "Yes, my son." she replied,
CT God is everywhere and sees every act
OF our lives" swell, by lingo, won't
He laugh when he sees this stool ?"
A PARTISAN author has translated
Shakspeare's line, "Ont, brief candle!"
into French, thus: SECT out, short
candle!' That lent as bad as the trans
lation of an exclamation of Milton's by q
Frenchman, who rendered, Hail. hor-
rors hall" thus: "Hew d. ye do horrors,
how dye do?"
A TRAVELLER who had stopped at a
third-cIass inn said in an angry tone to
the innkeeper: cit is abominable!
was devoured all night long by the bed.
bugs" "That's very astonishing" re-
piled the innkeeper, innocently. eyes
terday my waiter and killed more than
! hundred and fifty of them in your
chamber"
The innocent farmer from over the
river, who left five potatoes in our Office
with request that We would write them
up, put his name in the paper and say
he had big lot of them to sell at 81 a
bushel is respectfully informed that our
fool editor has resigned and that his de-
partment of the paper is closed for the
season.-FaW River ADVANCE.
."WHAT do you do here to keep this
town up?" asked railroad passenger of
IA resident of Yuma, in Arizona, while
the train was stopping for supper
:" Do?' was the reply, "let's see-we
had q fort here once-tbat gave our
town q start; now we have the terri
torlal penltentiary here, and that in
lcreases cur population amazingly, such
as 1t 6s!"
Two ladies who bad been to the opera
were seated on tramcar. Said one:
elbow did you like Carmen 2" ST
Thing Carmen perfectly lovely" re-
driver, the great sil'y creatures, swelied
out like pair Of inflated frogs, and they
have since taken to hair.oi], dyed mus
taches, patchouly ?. scented pocket-hsn l.
kerchiefs, and all sorts of egregious van
tiles.
AT a church in Lawrence, which 8
little boy of 4 years attends, they have
90 settled minister, and new candidate
appears every Sunday. "Mamma,
said the little fellow as he trudged along
to church last Sunday, edo ttey have
the same flowers in the pulpit ever,
Sunday?" mo, DEAR" answered tn,
mother, "they have to change them be
cause they wilt" "Do minister.
wilt ?" he inquired, $50 that they hav,
to have new one preach every Sun
day."
We have received q unique publica
ton, called Market Quotations" II
is circular in form, about one foot il
diameter, and weighs two or three
ounces. 1t reminds one of the game O
roulette. It is covered with dates AM
figures to show what Lake Shore was
worth in years gone by, and what Pacific
Mail may not be worth in years t
come. Then there is shovel blade
shaped piece of pasteboard that work.
around on q pivot and tells how tn,
monkey jumps. 1t would be first-rat'
thing to nail over stove pipe hole, AMI
ought to be in the hands of all parent
and guardians.-Puck.
| "W1FR," said an uptown man to hi
spouse recently, chow many hous'
plants shall you try to carry through tn
winter?" "Oaly this geranium. tbi
ros,bud and this Jerusalem cherry tre'
three in ALL" Tue husband made al
entry in his notebook, when she in
quired: "But why do you ash p I'll
order to know how much extra coal tt
order for the winter supply" was tn
cruel answer. "Judging from your ill
luck last winter I think I had better la,
ia about an extra ton apiece for eac]
plant. Y. Com, ADJ.