The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1883-04-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

''s %h@ND NJ hph
This is the time OF year when the average
wealthy citizen commences to bow very
respectfully to the assessor of his ward.
Lowell Citizen.
A man mas invented a chair that can be
adjusted to 500 different positions. II is
designed for boy to sit in when he goes TO
church Il Exchange.
\ Mississippi paper says of candidate.
he makes most excellent matrimonial
insurance agent, aud we cannot see WHY he
should not make Il wise and able lepisla-
tor Lynn Bee.
Inc second day after a young aspirant
for Thespian honors begins his first engage.
ment for q two.line part, he makes IL n
point to speak contemptuously of "ama-
tours Boston Post.
Rev. Mr.. Cook thinks there is nothing
ike Journey around the world to take the
concelt out OF man. But we suppose Mr.,
Cook can't afford to take thirty or forty
circuits Boston Post.
A New York policeman recently shot
and fatally wounded brother police Off
Ger. This is the first time n New York
blue-coat was ever on hand at the time of a
MURDER Somerville Journal.
substitute for leather" has been in.
vented, and We are glad of II; long expert
riencs having proven that paste. board Is moi
quite strong enough-[Philadelphia News.
Customer-"Have you any iirst.rate
musical Instruments? Shopkeeper-"Ye
sir; best stock in town, sir; can't be beat. u
Customer turning to go out)-"Can't be
beat, chr sorry: wanted drum. Life.
A Scotch person said, somewhat sarca.
ticallv, of hard drinker, that "he put an
enemy in his mouth to steal away his
brains, but that the enemy, after thor
| ough and protracted search, returned with.
out anything"
Muskrats are, somehow. ;plenty in the
streets OF Lynn, and so many folks are gun
ming for them that a man who turns a cor.
ner suddenly is quite liable to get his legs
| illled up with small shot intended for rat
Il Boston Post.
Why certainly, Ezra, certainly. ANY.
body can answer little question like that.
They are called lend men" because they
are the last persons the wandering Joke
reaches in its earthly pilgrimage.
lington Hawkeye.
Standing on Ceremony--"That was a fun
ny story Mr.. Dixon told, Aunt Jessie-tbe
one that made you laugh so much, Won
know !" Yes. Why didn't you laugh.
ldar "Oh, | don't know Mr.. Dixon well
enough !"--[London Punch.
"Speed the parting guest" Things one
would rather have left unsaid). We've
had such pleasant evening, Mr.. Jones !
May beg of You to ask one of your ser
wants to call hanson ?" with pleasure,
Mrs. Smith !"-[London Punch.
A dispatch from Orange says: ~. Jack
son, while chopping in the woods, was
struck by falling tree and had his back
broken in three places. His recovery is
doubtful" We should think it might be
somewhat improbable. Boston Post,
Philadelphia gave the Malsgasy ENJOYS
rum and cigars, Boston missionary re.
csption. Don't let it be thought, though,
that Boston thought they were still canni-
balls, and supposed taste of their home
food might please them Boston Post.
"Whst county do you represent, sir ?n
asked one individual Of another in front of
. saloon in st. Paul Minnesota, one day
last week. Pm not member OF the legis.
lsture," WAS the reply; "Im only private
citizen on drunk.-[New Haven Register
Texas Siftings advises the snti.prohibi.
tionists, who are In the majority In the leg.
islature, to so amend the arms law as to in.
clude corkscrews among the concealed
weapons. Every prohibitionist II says, has
at least one corkscrsw concealed on his per.
son.
The woman who has got in new parlor
carpet during the winter is the first to open
the house-cleaning season, and from the
length OF time that carpet is always left
hanging ont of doors, one might think il
had not been up for ten years. Phladel.
phia News.
Fred Gebhnrdt is reported TO be studying
Nv linn fnr tha 81
the Jersey Lily IN her performance at q a,
lAnea. In this he will really do her ser
vice, for his performance will be so dire bad
that hers will seem fine by comparison.
Boston Post.
a girl seven or eight years old slipped
down on Woodward avenue, the other day,
and as he was picking herself up n pades.
trian said, Don't cry, sissy" WHO'S go.
ing TO she sharply demanded rs she rose
M. IL guess when girl has got her
mothers shawl on she amt going To let
anybody know she's hurt n'--[Detroit Free
Press.
A dentist who was Ill from overwork was
advised by his physician to travel. Where
would you suggest, doctor2n asked the
tooth puller. why, as your mind as well
as your body needs rest, ] advise you TO
take trip on the Mississippi, There are
so many snars to be seen there that you
cannot help feeling perfectly at home.m-
Philadelphia Chronicle Herald.
The pawnbroker takes the usual interest
In his business. The destruction of a dis.
tillery by fire is a burning shame" The
mariner who casts the sounding.lead has
great depth OF feeling. No matter how
high.priced roses may be, they can always
be bought for scent. IL Is astonishing
how modest an empty pocket. book is. IL