Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-05-23
Wanted A Job.

Yesterday a man came into the Boom
erang Office with air of a man who Is tired
OF this earth and wants To wing his way
to land OF forgetfilness and plunge Into
the depths of oblivion. After he had
taken seat on the tete-a-tete and hung
his hat on the sscrtore, he said:
"Tm newspaper man myself. Didn't
know but you might want a good man on
the staff, somebody TO write up the sad
features of life and furnish the fearful
wall, as IL were Life Is full OF woe, and
In my estimation every paper should have
woe editor. | am well fitted for that
position, as you will see If may be al
lowed to go on and detail my own expert
ence TO you. | went down into Kansas
and stated paper In small town on
the Sante Fc road, with the assurance
that | would meet with the cordial aid
and sympathy OF the people there. l
didn't expect to do big business, but |
Just wanted to run little modest paper
with patent telegraph news and electro
type editorials I'm IL. The first week my
patent inside didn't get there and had to
print that issue on some paper bags that
got from our leading grocer. This was
an advantage because his adj. was already
printed on the first page and 1t saved the
VICAR uuu vi Niopluy eypN' ptii' WIZ
paper looked meager and did not attract
the attention that had hoped for 1t. 1t
did not influence the administration nor
boom up the town as had anticipated.
1.-THE next week wrote up n little so
cial party and gave the name Of young
man who was drunk and frolicsome and
shot out all the lights He also shot an
old man who was calling Off the dance"
81 thought the press ought to be fear
less and outspoken If the occasion requir-
cd and | wrote 1t up carefully and as l
thought, fairly, but the young man came
around the next day and convinced me
that was wrong. | was writing q scath-
Ing article on agnosticsm when he came
In and knocked me under the job press
with chair didn't know him at all
and thought it was rather eccentric for
total stranger, so when got up again
told him so. Then he damned me into
the wood box and poured key OF ink and
can of coal oil Oh me before / could
have an understanding with him.
Then he went away.
"That evening he came with some
friends and bought the good will OF the
establishment, and the whole Office and
subscription list Of me. He had the ad-
vantage OF me, and bought 1t low. / felt
that | was making sacrifice, but l was
afraid might not have another opportu-
nifty to sell, so | sold. The price, of
course, was nominal, but the inducements
held out were not TO be Ignored.
"Since then have started three papers,
and had three large and holly contested
fights. My colar.bone has been broken
in two places, and my doctors bills have
always been bigger than the other ex-
/ A ~ tf.th lAa
pulling teeth out Of my palate ever since
l entered the newspaper business. AS
soon as got so could see with both eyes,
one of them has been closed up on me,
and my nose has at different times point
ed around all over my face.
"What | want now is chance to work
on some paper in cog, as l might say, and
where | will be by myself l can take
most any current event and tinge 1t with
sadness. | can give an air of hopeless
melancholy to the occurrences Of everyday
| life that will make your paper known all
over the world. / will admit that this is
an innovation in journalism, perhaps, but
it will take, think, and / know that If
can succeed in imbuing into my work
that settled air Of gloom that | feel, your
paper will win for itself In short time
the name of being the most CHASTITY record
of disappointment and grief-stricken, hor
ror-soaked remorse in the known world
The manager sobbed few times and
then said, while his voice was choked
with emotion, that the opaque gloom de
partment was ably filled at present, ant
the stranger went out into the cold, hard
unsympathizing outer world, taking will
him his leaden burden of woe and sill
umbrella that stood in the hall. Bill Nye