The Portland daily press., 1883-06-06
Continental Misters.

Every tourist, land who is not one nova.
dayspl will remember time when on appi-
cation, probably to indulge craving for
complaint, at the bureau of some "Grand
Hotef' he was informed tina. ''Mister is
ready di-reckly, SIR" ''Mister" is the gem
eric name wherebHt the managers of these
now universal institutions are known in the
vernacular supposed to be acceptable to our
countrymen; but it is only the generic name.
The species are various and interesting
Perhaps the ideal sMister' is the being
whose profound simplicity, both of attire
and demeanor, contrasts effectively with the
palatia splendor of his surroundings. Heis
always in Noahs-ark frock-coat, and new
er without wispy black tie. As you drive
up In that modern substitute for Charon's
ferry-the hotel omnibus-which always
turns tedious jolt into fussy jerkness as
it nears the portal, "Mlster' advances to
welcome you amid the ringing of bells, with
a sombre smile. "You have written ''You
have telegraphed," "Your room is No. $50;
for Miss 561; No. 2000 for medserraate,"
and so forth. Yet for all this he takes
keen personal interest in your welfare.
eyes, madame, Eoglish service on Sunday;
we have, miss, lawn tennis should you
like AT what hour you dine, sir--at sew
emp He would entrap you if possible into
"diner apart" mo? The table d'h6te?
Very well, SIR" II is all the same to the
great man; one sentence (never more) fol-
lows on current topics but adapted to your
idiosynerasies, for he seems to have been ia
miliar with you for years; and then he re-
peats the operation with the rest.
1t you observe him narrowly, however, be
achieves much more even than this that
meets the eye. He is endowed with the
genius of military commander His calm
scrutiny is recommending your position. He
can discern at once whether, despite your
clustering good humor. you are the grum-
bling paterfamilias, the proud bat poverty
stricken aristocrat all valet and dressing-bag,
the cheaping-it pedestrian or bicvclist, the
whimsical but wealthy widow, or the cosmo-
politan bachelor. He foresees In a moment
the probabilities of your stay, or rather.
lie sees, in him is no before and the num-
Der of your room is melted out accordingly:
it becomes in "Mister's' mind your individ-
uality: 60, 20, 50, for instance, with their
corresponding suits of apartments, imply
couriers and ducats; 100, 220. $50, the Mig
gard undergraduate; 1000, the lady's maid.
by the measure OF these numbers is decided
the presence or size, as the case may be, Of
the bouquet, half paper, half thistle down,
presented to you by him, or not, at parting.
And all the while he is giving orders to The
disciplined army of domeslics. TIE porter
at his back directs his underings as TO your
"ioggosh'-that Ulysses-like and ubiquitous
porter who "spik Iuglese,n and has usually
been three year at the Charring Cross Ho-
tel" Mister is able in the same breath
to congratulate an incoming guest on the as
tonishing feat of "two-mile promenade"
With nod, too, he will instruct the cham
bermaids while listening blandly TO the in
quiries OF his secretary as curiosity impels
from his, desk that specialized, fair-locked
youth who loves "Mister's'' daughter. and
aspires one day 10 be himself sinister" Tru-
ly aspiration might we'll prove more limited.
He is imperturbable. he seems to have re-
allied al once the practical and theoretc
life. The weaknesses of passionate mortali-
ty neither tempt nor touch him.
But not all his brethren are like unto him.
There is the Mister remarkable, too. af-
ter his kind, who insists during table d'hote
on prowling tour of inspection; look
from his fiery eye sends the servile walters
shuddering to the kitchen. He marks what
each guest eats, and where the cook has
failed. 1t is an awful thought-he knows
you have been helped twice to anchovy sal
ad; anchovy salad will not reappear during
your sojourn. An attempt 10 secure third
helping of maraschino-ice on THURSDAYS or
Sundays There is fatal regularity on the
ice days. from friendly garcon or kellner,
is frustrated by his Gorgon glare, and yet
with pretended amiabilty he will demand
which you prefer, "a boil, mince or a
roast?" He spies out every criticism. He
is Argus; he neither slumbers nor sleeps.
But he is not quite so self-eontained as the
archetype; his imprecations, "should he up
braid" are in an UNDERGONE, of course, oc-
casionably audible. We have heard him hiss
out to remonstrant against the bill, ''If you
ave pertains you must pay for pertatas;' or
contemporary urge, 81 most live" The
secretaries loathe him and plot his downfall.
There is again an inferior sort who makes
favorites. If you have the misfortune to be
his favorite he brags to you of his 'ssport,"
inquiries if ''you love at home shoot Sc fox"
and insists on dragging ysu forth, CARRIED in
the buskin OF tragedy, to stunted copse,
which he calls forest, after a stag which
never appears. He is familiar; he rallies
you on your prejudice for "porterbier."
Cunning spider of concealed wine-mer-
chant that he is, he invites you, poor fiy, in
to his parlor, and inyeigles you with seduc-
tive hocks-by him in print described as "a
pleasant wine for tristfu days" He "can
offer you. what understand good wine, you
nor Thereby meaning s'knOlc''l ian oc-
casion." His best friend is "a baron what
grows sem-not a merchant Of wines; he
sell sem only to me for Sc 'otel' You are
delightedswith the liquor; you order five.
dozen. Alas the bottles only are the same
To all except his darlings he is sulky. He
refers them for any information demanded
to the porter or fiddle guide-buck.' He
oyer-sleeps, he over-eats, he over-drinks. As
a rule, he is eventually sacked"
Then, once more, there is a very objection
able specimen, who is always in sup
pressed fury with his employers, with his
subordinates, with you, with every one His
ill-temper never bursts forth. That is the
worst of it. he is paid machine, aud he
knows it; he hates the world on that ac-
count. His ose stolid reply to the most va
ried remarks is "WeIl, sor." This is The
man who meets your protest against five
francs Tor marks) for the 'bougies" of one
night, you having instructed your trembling
family to light one only between them, with
surly and unbending smile. This Is the
man who, if asked the way to the Sho
Waterfall, points stubbornly with his thumb.
This is the man who, taken to task about in
sects, laughs In your face and refuses to I'M
derstand the English names which differen-
late such creatures; he has no secretary to
bully; he has risen from waiterdom; he usIi-
ally finishes as q shopwalker in some Lon
dou restaurant, ard sometimes, Heaven be
thanked mpafe rofrihnfion in tho daol, of