Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1883-03-10
He Tired To Understand The Tariff Question.

Cincinnati Journal.
His name was Bill Jones. He
had noticed that congressman had
been dying off rather fast of late,
but he gave no heed to the warning.
He considered it the duty of every
intelligent workingman to acguaint
himself with the affairs of his cOun-
try, so that he might be able to ex-
ercise the right of the ballot intelli-
gently. Mr.. Jones began to study
up the tariff question.
There was the wool schedule, the
metal schedule and the patent
medicine schedule. In order to OBJ
tain thorough understanding of
the matter he commenced and read
the congressional reports. The bet
ter to mentally digest the important
subject, he read the Senate debates
one day and the next took the house
debates and chewed at them. The
toughest part of each he bit off and
laid by for Sunday. He pOndered
daily, and meditated nightly, till
finally he was on the mental sched-
ule. Friends began to notice some
thing wild in his eye. He began to
reason about the protection of home
industries. He urged it in the
Daniel Webster Literary society.
He vowed to get to the bottom of
the tariff or burst. He planted his
faith on the congressional reports
as on the rock of the constitution.
Smith asked him one day to lend
him steel pen.
Oh, yes" says Jones, ''steel
blooms"
Shall we have tariff for revenue
or tariff for prohibition of home il
dustries? Is it protection for reve-
nue. we want? | say let us offer
the following amendment and tax
the ways and means committee 8
5-16 cents nd valOrem, and protect
the manufacture of American dia-
mOnds. Give us horizontal reduc-
ton of the double duty on hay.
Hold an all-night session. Make
asliding scale of the cotton ties,
weight the proprietary medicines in
them, and import all wool silk vel
vets according to schedule No. 3.
free of duty. No, no! am wrong.
What we want is to take the wool
out of the sugar and give the people
steel rails and quinine free, three
times a day, adj valOrem.
ZONES, you're crazy" said
Smith.
THAT'S it, that's it," nodded
Jones. "Protect American labor
by steel blooms. If it amt a good
year for them, extend the time on
tobacco in the leaf; pass bonded
spirits through the custOmhouse raw
al 10 cents a yard. Double the du-
ty on sugar rails, l tell you. Bring
up the internal revenue by a two
third majority on hog bristles at the
tail end of the session."
Jones, Jones, Jones" groaned
Smith.
"Cogged ingots," went on Bill
Jones. His eye rolled, his breath
came quick and short, beads of per.
spiratiOn broke out upon his brow,
his hair stood on end. "Crank
Pins" he murmured huskily
BLOOMS and slabs by whatever
process made. Blocks or blanks,
punched or hot punch. Here's
hoOpiron and hooppoles, coming in
under schedule No |, sWaged steel,
class Is, 40 percentum adj Valorem,
valued above 8 cents per pound, 81
cents per pound. The bloated farm
er'S life blood will be drained to
keep up all the other classes of steel
herein not otherwise specially pro-
vided for in this act. The country's
gone to smash. There will never
be another Republican president"
He fell to the ground with an at
tack of paralysis of the brain. They
lOosend his neckcloth, and applied
the usual acknowledgment spirits
released from bond on payment OF
internal revenue taxes. 1t was no
good dOctoring him. Reason had
fed. From that day on he was q
harmless lunatic. On account of the
number and respectability of his
relatives, however, Mr.. Jones was
not incarcerated in an asylum. He
runs at large a wild eyed broken
man. He wanderS inoffensively
about with a cogged ingot brain,
and a steel bloom on his nose. He
fancies he is chairman of the confer
ence committee for coming to an
agreement about the duty on i'm
ports. AT other times, hours long,
he holds unuttered conversations
with invisible bonded spirits. Now
and then a mOmentary CLEAN of
reason fits across the darkened soul.
AT such times, he asks gently if
congress il done the tariff revision
yet. -l' M NJ