Union County courier. [volume] (Elk Point, Union County, D.T. [S.D.]) 187?-1913, 1883-01-24
WIT AND HuMoR.

As he would fain sister
Just as some mother lad would do
He bent him down and kissed her.
The maiden cried Aunt you wretch
To treat n girl SO badly!
You'd daughter be ashamed, say,
To cousin inc SO sadly!
A landeau-a mortgaged farm.
Top-buggy-Lazzaroni's head.
The board of trust teas--the grocer's
slate.
The proudest day in . woman's life
is her first son day.
A tale of the sea--Thc sea serpent's
tail.
True this is an off year, but President
Arthur did not expect it TO be quite so
far off.
Phosphorus is the striking name Of
new color. It will be worn by match
making mammas.
Children are like boils. Every
knows how to take care of those that
belong to other people.
Why does young lady resemble
rife? Because she has to be charged
with powder before the ball.
Kussum is the name OF a Maryland
judge. He is particularly we'll fixed for
swearing in witnesses.
Girls are more courageous then men.
fellow twice their size.
A modern philosopher thinks that
early rising is we'll enough as far a.
bread is concerned.
Children are like boils. Everybody
knows how to take care Of those that
belong to other people.
My first supports the ministers, my
second the doctors, my whole the school
master.-2uptl (pe,c-pHJ.
The difference between a sugar plum
and fat woman on roller skates is one
that slips down easy, while the other
slips down hard.
Mince-pie season is here. and those
who can afford it will now dream Of
elephants with four trunks and mules
with Illuminated heads.
Herbert Spencer's version of the pop
ular phrase, Give us rest"-.'It is
time to preach the gospel of relaxa-
ton"
There are twenty-four systems Of
shorthand. but the short-handedest
man nowadays is the republican who
has paid his debts.
A French physician says that raw
oysters and chicken soup will nourish
any girl through at least six disappoint-
ments in love.
A jeweler advcrtises that he has some
precious stones for disposal, adding that
'they sparkle like the tears Of a young
widow"
1t is perfectly safe to compliment a
woman upon her chiselled features, but
she would hardly like it to be told that
her head was turned.
If the fire of love should consume .
maiden's heart, we presume the aver
age insurance agent would account for
it on the ground of a defective flue.''
We are glad that the ladies are learn
ing so generally to play the violin, be-
cause in that case they are liable to use
a chin-rest.
The Englishman who said that liquor
had been the horrid-gin of all his trou-
bles has been spirited away, as he richly
deserves to have been.
Tie reason that aesthetics so admire
the stork is that he can stand for hours
on one leg and look as though he didn't
know anything and didn't want to.
A juryman was asked if the Judge
had charged him. Faith" said he,
.'the man lectured us good deal, but
don't believe he meant to charge for
it,
Upon a writer exclaiming that his
works contained much .'food for
thought friend remarked: That
may be so; but it is wretchedly cook
ed.''
Gov. Stevens wants to be called
"Mister" Thomas Jefferson wanted to
be called Tom" Colonel Mooney
wants To called when he has four sew.
ems
A Deal With Jim Fisk.
''Never knew Jim Fisk. did YOU, when
he was an itinerant merchant" asked
my friend Parker over lobster salad
the other night. Parker. by the WAY,
knows everybody worth knowing, knew
them before anyone else ever heard of
them. and knows more about them than
q woman knows about the new bonnet
in the next pew. allowed that my &C
quaintancc with the late Mr.. Fisk only
dated back to the time when Itook my
FIRST deal in Erie, on the proceeds OF
which lived en- prince in Paris for five
years--or less. "You ought 10 have
sean him in those days" continued
Parker, warming up as the salad got in
its work. First time met him was in
Kalamazoo. No; dom locate it in Kala-
mazoo for joke. 1t was in Kalamazoo
that one day Jim Fisk came driving in
with his gorgeous peddler's cart. That
cart opened up and spread out and
turned itself into full dry-goods store
in less than twenty minutes. Fisk used
to trade ia horses as well as in dry
goods. On this occa sion he had . fine
looking, spirited animal that / took =
fancy to. and bought him for $500 and
shipped him to New York. He came
here all right but when l drove him ort
he didn't seem to be quite the same sors
OF beast. He had turned into dead.
and-alive sort of creature. Still. / went
up the road with him, and. as luck
would have it. the rain came down il
torrents before had gone very far
You should just have seen that horsS
when got him under shelter. Gracious,
what sight he was! He wouldn't have
known himself could he have seen him
self. The dye had all washed out, and.
instead Of the beautiful chestnut, / had
horse Of another color altogether.
What did do with him? traded him
of for ten TONS 0f coal at "a. Is D tor.