Connecticut western news., 1883-01-03
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.
A SOapy StOry-Glued for Lifeline Christi mas Turkey-A Young Man in
 Peril, etc.
LITERATURE AND SOAP.

and seemed to think favorably of the project. "But>I can't write," she said; ''you know I can't write anything that would be interesting"
 I said the obvious thing-<that a lady of her intelligence and experience could undoubtedly write an entertaining sketch of herself and her profession. "It doesn't matter much what it is," said the lady from Jersey; my name is all you want. The article wouldn't be much"
 'I will bring you 8 check for $100," I continued.
 "One hundred pounds, you mean" observed the fair lady with twinkle, and appropriate emphasis.
 "No," managed to say, ".G20. Your name is an attraction, but no weekly paper would be justified, I think, in of fering 910O for it.
 "Very well," she said, laughing, 'I don't care to become journalist unless I can get 91OO for an article. Oscar Wilde gets that, and more, toop
 I assured her on my own personal knowledge that MT. Wilde did not get that, or anything like it.
 "Well, I can," she answered, with 8 laugh, "for 1 was offered 915O last week-that's-l $750-just to put my name to certificate of toilet soap. And I've forgotten the name of hn o1r IxyH cI, 1a1 -r1n fully. "Seven hundred and fifty dol lars P repeated Mrs. Labouchere, solemnly, ''for toilet soap! and she got it, too."
 I said: ''Is it not less pleasant to cer- tify to the excellence of somebody's toilet soap than it would be to put your name to an illustrated article in promi- nent journal ?"
 She bathed me with her violet eyes, and heard velvet voice say, "Why p
 Because -" I said; but stopped with that answer. I didn't want to strain my intellect by elaborating an ex- plantation of the "why."
 WANTED TO BE GLUED FOR LIFE. A couple from away up in the hills came to town yesterday to get married. The groom, apparently about thirty years of age, wore a clay colored suit of jeans, and carried in one hand black snake whip. The bride, who was scarcely more than twenty, was indeed blooming beauty. Making their way to a justice of the peace, and pulling the license out of his pocket, the love stricken man l asked:
 ''Be you the Squire p
 "I be-" said the Squire; 'swhat is your wish p
 "Have you the power fur to marry peo- ole and hitch 'em solid p "Yes, sir.
 ''So it can't never become undone p
 'sYes, sir.''
 "Fire ahead Squire. D l The Squire proceeded to business, and when he got as far as the question to the girl, ''Do you take this man for your law full and welded husband ?" the groom Lengthened the ceremony by putting the following additional question to her, for he wanted to be "hitched tighter than wax:' -
 "And you won't have no more to do with Bill Sykes?'' "No." "Nur Sam Hill? ?" "No." "Nur Pete Jones ?" "No. J
 ''See here, Sallie, don't look down on the floor that way; that means you don't know whether you will or not. Look squar' in my face, Sally"
 Then Sally looked ''squar' in his face, and he continued
 "Nur Jack Powers?
 "No."
 Here the Squire interrupted and said
 'I don't think it's necessary to pin tho young lady down so closely. She prom ises me to be your true and lawful wife
 and that's enough" |.
 Esquire, you don't know that gal likt I do. She's 8 croquette. She fiirts witt every fellow who gets struck after her, ant there are dozens of 'em. Now want al that business stopped; and want it don' here by law.'
 ''So be it, said the Squire; "Saral Peters is welded to you for life, and n, power on earth can take her from you. '' "That's the talk ! Come on, Sallie you're mine! We're glued for life !-oh wait till pay the Squire" , He paid the Squire dollar-all h
 had-and left for his country wagon hap pier than he'll ever be again. n.-Ke,at,tck. State Journal.
 GIVING AWAY A CHRISTMAS TURKEY. , He was bouncing turkey, and the had him hung by the heels, so that hi 3 nose almost touched the walk just out 5 side of the butcher shop. A little gil 3 was standing there, watching it. Yo could see that she was 8 hungry ittl
 girl, and, worse than that, she was colo too, for her shawl had to do her for
 hood and almost everything else. No on l was looking, so she put out little, re
 hand and gave the turkey push, and h = swung back and forth, almost making tn great iron hook creak, he was so heavy f "What splendid big turkey this is !?
 The poor little girl turned around, an
 there stood another little girl, looking { g the turkey, too. She was out walkin 6 with her dolls, and had on cloak wit y real fur all around the edges, and sh D had real mrlff, white, with black spot e all over it.
 t "Good morning, Miss,' said tf if butcher. You see he knew the little gi V with the huff, well.