The Baltimore County union., 1883-05-26
MARK TwAIN's TOAST.

ter Of dress. This is a most impor,an;
consideration, and must be disposed OF
before We can intelligcntly proceed TO
examine the profoundcr depths of the
theme. For text, let us take the dress
OF two antipodal types--the savage wo.
man OF Central Africa and the cultiva-
ted daughter Of our high modern civili-
zation. Among the Fans, great negro
tribe, n woman when dressed for home,
or to go out shopping or calling, doesn't
wear anything at all but just her com
plcxion. That is all il is her entire
outfit. II is the ligh,est costume in
the world, but is made of the darkest
material. 1t has often been mistaken
for mourning. II is the neatest and
trimmest, and is the gracefulest costume
that is now in fashion; it wears well,
is fast color, doesn't show dirt, you
don't have to send il down town TO
wash, and have some OF il come back
scorched with the nat.iron, and some
with the buttons iroBcd of, and some
Of il petrifed with starch, and some Of
it chewed by the calf. and some Of j,
rotted with acids, and some Of il ex-
changed for other customers things
that haven't any virtue but holiness,
and ten .twellths Of the pieces over
charged for, and the rest OF the dozen
"mislaid. And il always fits i, is
the perfection Of a fit. And it is the
handles, dress in the whole realm Of
fashion. |, is always ready, always
"donc up" When you call on 4 Fan
lady and send up your card, the hired
girl never says, "Plcasc take i seat,
madam is dressing she'll be down in
three. quarters ofan hour" No, madam
is always dressed, always ready to re.
ceive; and before you can get the door.
mat before your eyes, she is in your
midst. Then, again, the Fan ladies
don't go TO church to see what each
other has 90; on and they don; 20
back home and describe il and SANDER
il.
Such is the dark child Of savagcry,
as to every day toilette; and thus,
curiously enough, she finds a poini OF
contract with the fair daughter OF civ
iliza,ion and high fashion--who often
has "noihing to wear; and thus these
widely separated types Of the sex NEE,
upon common ground. Yes, such is
the Fan woman as she appears in her
simple, unostentatious, everyday toi-
lettc; but on state occasions she is more
dressy. At banque; she wears brace.
lets, at lecture she wears earrings
and belt; at ball she wears stock.
ings and with true feminine fondness
for display, she wears them on her arms
at funeral she wears 4 jacket OF tar
and ashes at 4 wedding the bride who
can afford it pu,son pantaloons. Thus
the dark child OF savagery and the fair
daughter Of civilization meet once more
upon common ground, and these two
touches OF nature make their whole
world kin.
Now We will consider the dress of
our type. 4 large par, OF the daughter
Of civilization is her dress-as it should
be. Some civilized women lose half
their charm without dress; and some
would lose all OF il. The daughter OF
modern civilization, dressed At her
u;mos; best, is a marvel OF exquisite
and beautiful art and expense. All the
lands, all the climcs and all the arts are
laid under tribute TO furnish her forth.
Her linen is from Belfast, her robe is
from Paris, her lace is from Venice, or
Spain, or France: her feathers are from
the remote regions of Southern Africa,
her furs from the remoter home of the
iceberg and the aurora. her fan from
Japan, her diamonds from Brazil, her
bracelets from California, her pearls
from Ccylon, her canoes from Rome;
she has gems and irinkcis from buried
Pompeii, and others that graced comely
Egyptian forms that have been dust and
ashes now for forty centuries her
watch is from Geneva, her card.casc is
from China. her hair is from-irom
i don't know where her hair is from;
never could find ont, Tha; is, her
other hair-hcr public hair, her Sunday
hair; don't mean the hair she goes 10
bed with. Why. you ought TO know
the hair mean. It's that thing which
she calls switch, and which resembles
a switch aS much Is il resembles brick
bat or a shotgun, or any other thing
which YOU correct people with. It's
tha; thing which she twists, and then
coils round and round her head, bee
hive fashion, and then ,ucks the end in
under the hive and harpoons it with 4
hairpin. And that reminds me of 4
triilc; any time YOU want TO, YOU can
glance around the carpet Of a Pullman
car, and go and pick up a hairpin but
not TO save your life can you get any
woman in that car TO acknowledge that
hairpin. Now, isn't that stranger But
it's true. The woman who has never
swcrvcd from cast iron veraciiy and
fidelity in her whole life, will, when
confronted with this crucial test, deny
her hairpin. She will deny that hair
pin before hundred witnesses. ! have
stupidity got into more trouble and more
hot water trying TO hunt up the owner
OF hairpin in Pullman car than by
any other indiscrction OF my life.
Well, you see what the daughter of
civilization is when she is dressed, and
you have seen what the daughter of
savagcry is when she isn't. Such is
woman, as TO costume. ] come now
to consider her in her higher and nobler
aspects-as mother, wife, widow, grass
widow, mothcr.in-law, hired girl, tcle-
graph operator, telephone helloer,
queen, book-agent, wet nurse. step
mother, boss. professional Eat woman,
professional beauty, and so on.
We will simply discuss these few-let
the rest Of the sex tarry in Jericho till
we come again. First in the list Of
right, and first in our gratitude, comes
q woman who-why, dear me, I've
been talking three-quarters ofan hour
L 4 han. a ai.r,,candr mariana R,,f ,,o.,