Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-12-20
Rather Small for Him.

as he surveyed himself in the glass.
with a pertubably solemn countenance,
my dear, how do you think these
clothes fit me?"
'.Splendidly!" emphasized Mrs.
Spoopendyke, walking around him so
as to take in all the glories of his new
garments. IF / hadn't seen you dress
ed for a funeral, / should say YOU
ought always to wear black.
"Think the Grape on the hat is about
the right height for pall-bearer?" ask
ed Mr.. Spoopendyke, shaking his hat
on his head and regarding his wife with
a steadfast eye, as though he expected
to catch her in a lie about the hat
Just exactly right, T." exclaimed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, land here are your
black gloves"
Don't want any gloves" growled
Mr.. Spoopendyke, turning again to the
glass. How m I going to catch hold
of those handles with pair of tight
gloves On?''
But you must wear gloves" pro-
tested Mrs. SpoOpendyke. ''AII pail
bearers wear gloves, and | want you to
look as nice as the others. This is a
real nice pair, and [ bought them for you
myself. Put them on. that's love.
Mr.. Spoopendyke jabbed his right
fist into the glove and commenced TO
tug. ''Where's the steam derrick that
goes with this?" he demanded, stop
ping to eye his progress with some
misgivings as to his ultimate success.
when you get your hand in you
want to take it by the fingers and push
it on" suggested Mrs. SpOopendykc,
rather inclined to think she had made
a mistake and bought a size too small.
They Il slip on easy enough if you'll
only have patience. Now try"
''Then it wants pile driver" grin
ned Mr.. Spoopendyke. Il had an idea
that derrick was the proper thing.
That the way you mean?" and Mr..
Spoopendyke caught his four fingers in
an iron grip and bent them double
"Is that one on, from your standpoint?
Are those ends sticking out there in
tended to represent anything particu-
larly connected with a funeral? What's
all this bare place down here for? Is
that the way the rest Of those pail
bearers are going to look?" and Mr..
Spoopendyke pointed disdainfully at
the tluttering fingers and his naked
palm. ''Perhaps the others will paste
the other glove over this bare spot! Is
that the way it works?'
No, dear, murmured Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, not exactly seeing her way
clear, and wishing she had said moth
ing about the gloves. II would give
them q gentle pull, now. just see if
they won't 90 on that way
Mr.. Spoopendyke caught grip, and
hauled until he was red in the face, but
the gloves hung fire Then he braced
his loot against the side of the bureau
and gave a tremendous wrench
1T is q good strong glove, anyway"
commented Mrs. Spoopendyke, who
had been watching the experiment with
an anxious interest.
What dye think I'm going TOP"
demanded Mr.. Spoopendyke, Temporal
rily letting up on his performance.
What do you think this is the funeral
of, a gymnasium? Got any kind of a
notion that am going to bury n circus?
Why didn't you get some gloves more
renowned for going on mans hand,
eh?'' roared Mr.. Spoopendyke, going
back to his avocation with renewed
appetite. Think they are pretty
strong, do you? just you keep an
eye on these iron clads now, and you
will get some new notions about
strength!' and Mr.. Spoopendyke bent
all his energies on the glove. and rip
ped it from the thumb knuckle to the
wrist joint. THAT the way YOU mean
it to go?" he yelled, considerably dis
satisfied with his success. Think this
style adds anything funercal to my APP
pearance? Is this the latest thing ia
p8ll-bearing?"
Never mind, dear" cooed Mrs.
Spoopendyke. L can take few
stitches in it, and it will do for to-
dav"
''What's the matter with it now?"
howled Mr. Spoopendyke, giving it an
other jerk that carried the tear around
to the whole back of the hand. ''What
it wants is few stitches taken out of
it, and the proprietor is going right in
to the business of getting them out.
How does that strike you?n and Mr..
Spoopendyke, having pulled the disin-
tegrated part over his wrist, stuck out
the fingers for his wife's contemplation
with the air of man who was setting
the fashions.
''TIl tell you what you can do" said
Mrs. Spoopendyke. you can wear
the other and carry this in your hand.
No one will notice the tear, and | think
the other will 90 on easier"
Mr. Spoopendyke made a grab for
the other glove, and damned his hand
into it. Half way on it stuck, just as
the first had.
"Yesr' he painted. This is easier!
See it crawl up my hand! Stopit, will
you? Hold the dod-gasted thing before
it climbs into my ear! Chock it some
where, can't you. Tie a string around
it and hold it!'' and Mr.. Spoopendyke
pulled with all his might, and worked
his fingers and mouth simultaneously.
Now l am readyr' he howled. Bring
forth the catafalque and place this
fashionably gloved hand on the silver