The Portland daily press., 1883-01-01

Making haste slowly: A young couple to
whom parting is most sweet sorrow, engage a
hack to drive them home from the Bots by the
hour. The coachman takes in the situation
and drives home with fond, reluctant, amorous
delay. When his fare settles the bill the jar
vey is unable to repress his disgust at the
smallness of the tip. zone franc extra" he
says, with an expression of profound dissatis-
faction, "and made all the haste / couldn't!"
French Fun.
In the Hop Plaster are united the virtues of
Fresh Hops and the strengthening and stimu-
lating balsams, and its cures of Weak Back,
Pain IN the Side, Rheumatism and Neuralgia
or Pain in the Chest are simply marvellous, it
being N ore eficacious and thorough than any
liniment or liquid remedies. You'll say so af-
ter using.
Every man has his price: Once upon a time,
when General Ney, the Duke of Elchingen,
who committed suicide last year, was COM
manding the cavalry at Versailles, circus
manager was introduced who came to obtain
dozen cuirassiers to take part in the grand tri-
umphal entree of his circus. "Oh, suppose
you can have them," answered the Duke
"What'll Won pay them?" "1hrae francs
head" "Three francs' exclaimed the Duke,
who was very prudentin money matters, why
man, I'll go myself" Paris Paper.
The great sale of Swedish Remedies is aston
ishipg, and for enrichiDg the blood, creating
an appetite, or strengthening the whole system
nothing can surpass these remedies.
| One of the new shades of color is called "ter
ra Gotta" The unlettered dressmakers, in or
| dering it, spell it "terror-caught-her," and
| considering what a seky yellowy-red it is we
| do not know but that they are justified, under
| the circumstances.
Geo. Andrews, overseer in the Lowell Car
pet Corporation, was for over twenty years be-
fore his removal to Lowell, afflicted with salt
rheum in its worst form. Its alterations actu-
| ally covered more than half the surface of his
body and limbs. He was entirely cured by
| Ayers Sarsaparilla. See certificate in Ayers
Almanac for 1885,
Thing one would rather have left unsaid-
Hostess: What, must you go already, profess
sor? The professor: My dear madam, there
is limit even to mig capacity of ipf1icting my
ALL assure youi-Punch.
flames, dear, Reginald desires a new sled
1 think you had better get him one." Whats
a sled good for to him? You've brought him
up to stay in the house and look pretty. He
wouldn't know what to do with one" "Oh,
don't mean one of those great big outdoor
sleds, / mean little house sled that be can
play with in the front hall, dear, Just to get
him accustomed to the idea, you know
Boston Globe.
Invalid mothers, weak children, nervous and
fretful infants are benefited by using Browns
Iron Bitters Harmless but eficacious.
Since the papers made so much fun of Swell
Gebhardts spelling he has hired young man
to write all his notes for him. He didn't know
| before that there was any particular way of
spelling words-Detroit Free Press.
Teacher-"Why, how stupid you are, 10 be
cure! Can't multiply S8 by %? I'll wager
that Charles can do it in less than no time"
Pupil-"I shouldn't be surprised. They say
that fools multiply very rapidly nowadays"
Boston Transcript.
The Detroit Free Press man says: 1t costs
money to be good" It is suspected that the
last time he was in church he put silver dime
in the contribution basket in mistake for a
cent. Such errors will occur if a man is veal
thy.-Norristown Herald.
Guard against lung or throat disease. Use
Hale's Honey of Horehound and Tar.
Pixies Toothache Drops cure in one minute.
"Why did you speak to that policeman? Are
you acquainted with him?" asked Milligan's
wife as she and her husband were walking
home from the theatre the other night. "Oh,
no! don't know the man." replied Miligan;
lit was simply my duty as citizen to see If he
was awake. Lowell Citizen.
High classic-"Can you comprehend me?"
II am perhaps a little obtuse, but you may be
assured that shall get at your meaning pres
emily" Low classc-"Can you catch on?'
SWELL perhaps don't drop as suddenly as
some, but you'll bet I'll tumble about as quick
as the average. Advertiser.
At dance given in North Carolina the 9th
er night one man was stabbed, one shot, two
dubbed. two had bones broken, one woman
had an eye put out, and the house burned up.
Balance to partners. Detroit Free Press
Mrs. LaDgtry now says she never reads the
newspapers. This is very agonizing to the
amusement editor who has been doing his best;
but it leads to the thought that she will make
good juryman.-New Orleans Picayune.