The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-01-18
WIT AND HUMOR.

Dogs are more hardy than men. They
can 60 without their pants in Winter.
In spite of protests the waltz still
holds its own. Love rules the whiiled.
The first big fish story-That of
Jonah.
Bugle trimmings are recommended
for a windy day.
How are you?' asked New Yorker.
''Bene!" replied the Bostonian.
The first ''wail of despair" must have
been when Jonah was swallowed.
The man who travels under an aliss
may boast that he has made a name for
himself.
Nothing can now prevent the Indians
from breaking out. They have learned
how to make buckwheat cakes.
A bonnet this season, in order to be
OF any account, must have five contrast
ing colors to correspond with the chang
ing colors on the face of the man who
foots the bill.
She went into shop to buy some toi-
let soap, and while the shopman was
eXpatiating on its merits about made
up her mind to purchase, but when he
said it would keep off chaps she said
she didn't want that kind.
The colored preacher who was shot
at Chattanooga, the other night, while
stealing potatoes, had been trying to
live on salary of two dollars per week.
A preacher can't stand an empty
stomach any better than other folks
First young man-..Well. did YOU
make the acquaintance of that strange
girl you were raving over?" Second
ditto-''Yes, followed her home.n First
young man-'How did she strike you?n
Second ditto ''She didn't at all; she
got her big brother to do it."
A well-proportioned woman should
have body six times as long as her
feet. This, according to a Detroit ac-
chtect who claims to know, was the
old Grecian rule. and, as no man can
out with a tape-line and measure away,
the women are safe.
a Philadelphia man who lost his left
thumb and forehnger in planning mill
has had very good substitutes for them
made of rubber. There is a fortune in
his misfortune. All ne need do to get
rich is to hire himself out to tack down
carpets.
''Have you ever before been punished
by the law?" asked an Austin Justice of
colored culprit, ''Yes, | called a man
liar, and l had to pay fine" ''Is
that the only time you have come in
conflict with the law?" .'Now dat yer
speaks oh hit, jedge, l bleeves | was in
de penitentiary for ten yeahs, if disre-
member myself.
1t was election time, and little Glynn
heard much talk about men who were
running for office One day, his moth
er noticing him run from one place to
another, asked, ''What are you PLAYING
now, GlynnP" He replied, .'Oh, | am
not playing at all, am running for of
flee -
''Howdy, Sam, how is youp" ..Mid-
lin. midlin, Jerry, how is it with vou?"
Similarity; thank you Sam" 'Simi-
larityi dat is a new word broke out in
our neighborhood dis morning, and it is
ketching; every body got it. Take dat
word similarity home and have her
stuffed"
''Protoplasm," remarked the profess
sor, lis composed of carbonic acid, wa
ter and ammonia, in which compound
the water largely predominates To
whGt conclusion does this lead?" The
pupil was boy, and not easily stag
gered. He answered: at leads to the
conclusion that dad never takes any
protoplasm in his'n."
A good and sufficient reason is what
every man ought to have for his con-
duct. If we cannot have quite that,
then let Us have the next thing to it,
namely, reason which is perfectly sat-
isfactory to ourselves. For instance,
''Close up, boys; close upr' said col
onel to his regiment. IF the enemy
were to fire on YOU when you are strag-
Cling along tlat wav, they wouldn't
kiil sir gle man OF yuu. Close upr'
A little girl came very near to her
mother one morning, saying, (Which
is the worst, mamma, to tell a lie or
steal?" The mother, taken by surprise,
replied that both were SO bad she
couldn't tell which was the worse.
We'll" said the little one, "Pve been
thinking a good deal about it, and I've
concluded it's worse to lie than TO steal.
Il you steal thing you can takei back
less you've eaten it, and if you've eaten
it you can pay for it. Butt and there
was look OF awe in the little face-''a
lie is forever"
Sir Andrew Agnew having for. some
time been pestered by an impertinent
intruder, it was one day remarked to
the baronet that this man no longer APP
peared in his company, and he was ask
ed how he contrived to get rid of him.
SIN trnth,n said the baronet, Il was
obliged to give the chiel broad hint"
"a broad hintr' replied the friend. Il
thought he was one of those who could
not take hint" by my faithl but
he was forced to take it, answered Sir
Andrew; ''for as the fellow would not
90 out by the door, threw him out OF
The window"
l. is related that the president of %
bank in the Gunnison country had oc-
easion to visit Denver and on his re-
turn net the porter of the bank at the
depot and asked: "Well. James, has the
cashier absconded?' ''No, sir" Bur
glars broken in?'' mo, sir" Book
Keeper been charged with embezzle-
ment?n 40, sir. ;" Been run on the
bank?' mo, SIR" Then everything
is all right. eh?' Eyes, sir, except a
rumor around town that you had rob-
bed the bank of $50, 900 and sailed ior
Europe
''How shall the American savage be
civilized?" Is question asked by a
writer in the atlantic Monthly. There
are many ways. Teach him that it is
| improper to eat with his knife, and thar
colored napkins should be used at the
fruit end of the meal, and not during
the opening chorus. Teach him not to
arrive at reception until 9 o'clock,
and never to appear in a swallow-.ail
| during the afternoon. Tell him that is
is bad form to drink beer before and
absinthe after dinner. Also send him
to dancing-school, compel him to avoid
pie, and have him instructed in the art
/ of walking in the English style. Then
bang his hair, and put pair of eye
glasses and q white Dluo hat on hin,