Connecticut western news., 1883-06-06
WIT AND WISDOM.

love them best when they leave.
 THE FIRST DUDE, we believe, was Yam kee Dudle, who went to town upon little pony.
 SAN LUIS OB1spo (Cal.) lMiyror:-The mania for adulteration is so great that you can't buy quart of sand and be sure that it is not half sugar.
 FIRST ice man "Any mean people on your route ?" Second ice man: "I should say so meanest set I ever run across. Why, three out of five families keep scales"
 "BoB" BURDETTE out of the kindness of his heart, has suggested an eminent ly fitting and useful occupation for the dude: To teach sparrows how to feed and live on mosquitoes.
 TALMAaE repeats the old idea against Q quartette choir by saying: "When hear that four angels are doing all the singing for heaven, I'll permit four peo- pie to do the singing for my congrega- | ton.
 FIRST student: "How stupid Here my uncle sends me twenty marks as present." Second student: 'I should think you would be delighted" "Not at all was just going to ask him to send me fifty"
 TRANSLATED from the Omnibus: "I regret much, MT. Captain, the requested furlough not to grant, now is not the time for pleasure. "Mr. Colonel, need the furlough not for pleasure; I want to-marry.
 "SHAIL we wear silk hat ?" was the subject of lecture by Brooklyn divine recently. That is question which no man can answer. Everything depends on which way the elections go.--PhilG delph6a Neaos.
 IT is said that Jay Gould "reads the Greek poets with facility" Maybe he does, brethren, but you can bet your boots all the Greek poets that ever poeted couldn't read Jay Gould; no, not one chapter of him. m.-Barlington Ha,okeye.
 CYCLONES ARE becoming very frequent in the West, and when young chap takes his girl out riding she softly mur- murs: "Hold me tight, Charley. A cy- clone might come along and blow me away from you." Even cyclones have their advantages.
 THE Detroit Free Press hopes that that Tennessee landlord who has been forced to pay $70O for kissing an Indiana woman, who was guest at his hotel, will never cease to kick himself for his financial folly when he reflects that it is only ten cents to kiss the prettiest girl at church fair.
 "MY DEAR FELLOW" remarks the Judge to the plaintiff, who had lost his action before him that afternoon, "you had mighty good case, but what made you employ such an ass of an lawyer?" Because had been told that he had the ear of the court"
 THE Oil City Blizzar1 tells the follow ing story: "An Oil City man, who lost limb in the war, has never applied for pension. When asked why he never put in an application, he explained that he felt amply compensated for the loss, be- cause his wife eloped with another man while he was in the army" THE man that runs an auction, | And watches for nod,
 Must either be near-sighted, | Or else he's very odd. For when you bid for something, He smiles with sweet content,
 And thinks you nod dollar
 When you only nod assent
 WEAK in geography: An application was made at railroad ticket office in New York city not long since for ticket to New Hampshire. "To what part of | the State ?" was the question asked by the agent, Well," was the reply, "I don't exactly know, but 'tis next to that place called Vermont"
 STATISTICS show that there are almost as many Irish people in the United States as there are in Ireland. And if the Irish men in London are given any kind of a show, with their bombs and torpedoes, it won't be many days before there will be as many Englishmen in this country as there are in England.-Pecks Sun.
 "DoN'T like your neighbor? Why, , thought he was a very kind and pleasant man." "So he is." "Does he ever in- terfere in your affairs ?" "No." ''Do his children steal your fruit ?" ''No; he hasn't any children" 'For mercy's sake, then, what is the matter with him ?'' "He keeps hens." ooh. - Boston Transcript.
 THE historians say that in building s the pyramid of Cheops 100000 men , were employed for twenty years, but his n torians often make mistakes. No doubt a some antiquarian in the far distant 6 future will be affirming that in building n the Washington Monument twenty men a were employed for 100, ,000 years.
 A NEW YORK clergyman went to Bos- l. ton and visited colored church.
 "How are you prospering?" he asked 8 the sex ton. ''Tings ain't so good as
 dey was, boss," was the reply. eve
 got a new minister and he ain't so good
 as the old one."~ s'What's the matter
 with him ?" "Well, boss, you see he's Il kind of illiterate comes from New 'e York.
 a PLANTATION PLEAsANTRIEs - Ef yer 8. frien' can't stan prosperity, wise him to Ill go skurity fur somebody.-No lociped ct pedlars needn't ply at dis cabin. When Is I straddle saddle it ain't wifi de spec d tation ob maxim my ole legs do de can at terin'. Elf ebber take a fool notion ter as ,;l or, xx,, l1~ do u,,,,o tiroo yor'Il gee