Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1883-08-30
ODDS AND ENDS.

thAt Hii.c. lSs, shiu t-Onl,- tue 'ASi,
aunty, the old hen always goes with them"
"S,ill alive, Uncle Reuben, ! sccp
4" Ncs. sab; yes, sab an Use gwine 70 lib
sauGGer ycah suah." How do YOU know
that?' Why. sab, Pse mos' allus notiss
Dat when lib fru de mont Of March. ! lib
fra lie whole yeah"
Ihaye often noticed that gallant young
men walking with their swcethearts offer the
/ le:t arm. while devoted married men with
their wives offer the .righta arm. Why is this?
Edith" The left arm is nearest the heart,
the right arm is nearest the pocket
May not the monthly bills OF the gas
companies beteFined tie charge oiihe Light
Brigade" f" asked Jimkins Of Bo2gs. Ii
it is possible for light brigade to make
heavy charge suppose they may" replied
8oggs otherwise not.
Or. Hawks, N eloquent and popular New
/ York divine cree asked the yestrymen OF
bis church to increase his salary because
Of his increased family expenses. bon't
( trouble YOURSELF said the yostEmcn. tie
Lord has said, He will care fer the young
ravens when they cry" "l.know that
said the clergyman, but nothing j. said
about the young Hawks y
4 yigilant sentinel is posted AZ the door
of picture gallery with strict orders OF
( the customary character. \ sght-scce
/ happens along and is promptly halted.
/ "Hc-e, Sir. You must leave your cane NJ
che door" " But, my friend, haven't got
any cane" "Thcn go back and get occ'
/ No one is allowed 10 pass in here unless hc
leaves his cane at the door Orders arc'or-
ders.
Teacher" What DO we learn by the trans
lstion Of the Prophet Elishag" Dull boy
"Thst he saved his funeral expenses"
Teacher severely ~" james, Dull boy
49," That's wot my pa says; he's an under
takcr, he is, and Iguess heknows. Pa lows
ne wouldn't likc 70 have folks 60 OF that way
nowadays"
Dean Swift WAS once dining with family
in which the matron boasted Of the number
of centuries in which the magical prefix
"de" had been the rightfnl property of her
ancestors. The Dean heard the tedious aud
on-told tale to the end, and then delivered
his opinion of all that sort Of nonsense by
saying: MADAM, viii you kindly help me
to another piece Of de-umpling p
a lion once put on an ass skin and went
out into the woods. Msstiug an ass. the
lion said, "Good morning" GOOD mora
ing to you, sin, ;" retorted the ass. " Who are
you?" 81 am An ass" saidthe lion. " Beg
your pardon, but you are lying" said the
ass Then the lion went along until sud
denly he tumbed to the joke, whereupon he
killed himself The moral Of this ia-" NeY-
er make an ass Of yourself"
The following rule for estimating the a.
mount Of hay in q stack will be found APP
proximately correct In stack, timothy, af-
ter ten days or two weeks settling, 600 Gu
bic feet to the ton; clover 700, and prarie
hay $50 feet. After thorough settling about
500 cubic feet Of Timothy, $50 Of clover, and
$50 Of prarie hay. TO get the cubic dimen-
sions of stack, multiply the cverage length,
breadth and height together.
A little boz in one Of tic city German
schools, while engaged in tho delightful cx-
excise of defining words, few days since
made q mistake which was not at ala mis-
take. Hesaid; A demagogue is vessel,
that holds beer, vine gin, whiskey, or AM
other kind Of Intoxicating liquor. He was
probably thinking Of demijohn, but he hit
the truth just the same.
The parasol question Before marriage
Excuse me, George. Did my parlsol hurt
you?" Oh, no my dear. II would bea
I pleasure ifit did" After marriage-"Great
heavens There was never 4 woman under
/ the sun that knew how 10 carry parasOl
without scratc hing a fellows eyes cut
"And there never was man that knew
enough 10 walk on the righ;sidc of woman
with q parasol." There i.n'i any right side
to a woman with parasol."
"Wcel, boadle, " said a member Of Ger
tain church to the man, have you heard
that the minister said at the Presbyterian
meeting that he had 70 propose that bis
beadle should stand on his head ?" AYE,
Mr.. Johnston, did he really say that?" re-
piled the officer. "Wcel, maybe he's no
vary FAR wrang; bu. have strong faith
that ProTidence wha neer allows the
sun and the moon to shine together, Wilma,
letthe heads o the twa great luminaries o
the Aud Kirk b. TUNED upside down NJ
the same time"
"Pm so alarmed, Lizzie" cxcieimed =
st. Louis girl, who was engaged TO be mar
ricd TO q young army officer. re hasn't
written me in three days There is no
occasion to get excited" was the reassuring
reply: he Is out Of the reach Of the indi-
ans, there is no epidemic prevailing where
he il stationed and when be last wrote you
he was in perfect health" "Oh, yes, L
know all that, Lizzie" said the timid, agita;-
cd creature, " but there's the army worm"
a tragedian on his travels: HeaTy TRACE
dian at railroad hotel" Prithee, landlord,
dwells there within the precincts Of this
hamlet rnachinist~ Landlord" 4 ma
chinist? Yes, sir" Tragedisn-" Then
take 70 him this bird Of rany springs
Bid him wrench aspndcr .hcsc iron limbs
and then, for our regalement, 10 chisel siiee'
from IL gnyielling bosom, for we would
line anon. And, pray you, do it quickly