The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-03-02
VARIETIES.

Count Ito his servanD-"John l have
noticed that ever since your wife's death you
have been drunk every evening. Why is
this?" John-'1 am only trying to console
myself for my loss" Count-"And how long
is this going to lqst?" John-"Oh, sir, am
inconsolable
Il How much quinine can you take at O
dose ?? inquired one malarious individual o.
another, as they met on the street this morn
ing. ooh, not more'n about four grains. il
l take any more, it sets my head to working.
Does it? should think you would take
six grains twice day"
| Young man." said tiresome and in.
structive old muff to group of apprentices
"young men should begin at the bottom OF
their business and work up" 81 can't" re.
spond one of them. "Why rot| asked the
old muff Because, | am well digger
answered the apprentice.
We shall suffocate if we don't get some
ventilation hereW exclaimed the corpulent
passenger, throwing the car window and let
ting in draft that registered about 10 below
zero. "Do you call that ventilation ?" ex-
| citedly asked The thin man in the next seat,
shivering in the keen blast II call it ami
hi,ationr
| what on earth makes you announce that
|
hear every patient you had up here yell ?"
"You did, sir" replies the peripatetic dentist,
"but those were shrieks ofjoy which they ut.
| tered, sir They were so delighted, sir, at
| being painessy relieved that they could not
| restrain their enthusiasm
"A story is told ola woman who want
ed to keep up appearances, who was often
| thwarted in this by her innocent and mat
ter.of fact daughter. One day when
visitor was present at the table, the hostess
said to her daughter: "Where are our
knives?" "Here they are, both of them" was
the astounding reply.
"A book agent wandered into Bowery
museum the other day and talked to wax
figure ofGeneral Jackson three hours, trying
to induce him to subscribe to q work in one
hundred and ffty-two parts, price fifty cents
each-no subscription taken for less than the
entire work. "Well," he said as he turned
to CO. eff you didn't want it why didn't you
say so two hours ago?'
Raging and young Symonds were moving
out of the melon patch as rapidly as they
could, not caring to see what it was that
the bulldog wanted of them. Symonds was
the most fleet of foot and began to forge
ahead of Ragbag. Not disposed to desert his
friend, he cried: "Ragbag, why don't you run
retorted: "Do seem to be hanging back to
kill time and let the dog catch up?"
An amended smile: He had very
rubcund face, suggestive of n dissipated life
AS he was walking up the street gentleman
remarked: THAT fellow is 50 highly colored
that he reminds me ola chrome" "He re.
minds me more of an engraving than a
chrome" remarked n bystander. How so ?"
"Well, you see, an engraving always has
glass in front oft and chrome sn'l.-Tsrds
SJtingS.
Child of inquiring mind "You must be
very old, Betty" Betty: "Just ninety, Miss"
-C.Of |. NJ: Are you though Do you
think you'll ever be two or three hundred ?
| s'pose some people live as old as that, don't
they?" B.: Not nowadays, Miss. They
used to ave SIGH 'abis in times gone by,
and very unpleasant 'abits they wos, cos af
ter reachin' few hundreds they got so orful
bad at last, they all 'ad to be drowned"
new rival brass band was hired to play at
the funeral of n Connecticut deacon. They
were playing a slow and solemn dirge at the
grave, when suddenly the trombone man shot
out blast that started the hearse horses and
broke up the whole procession The leader
turning upon him tiercely, asked him what
he was doing that for. He answered, with
smile: "Gosh | thought it was note, and
it was horse.tly; but played it,"
"A great philosopher once upon time,
while walking along in profound thought,
fell into well and it shook him up so that
he didn't know exactly whether he had gone
through II threshng machine or had beea let
into the house at n. IN. by his waiting wife.
After he had been pulled out he was asked by
his rescuers ifhe was much hurt "Well, my
friends" he remarked, as he took the graD-
pling hooks from the suburbs of his trousers,
81 have found that it is better for the memory
to have distinct idea of one fact of great
subject than have confused ideas of the hole"
He was pronounced safe.
"A Memphis magistrate had before him
one morning last week young man who at
masked ball the night before had figured as
George Washington, to whom, however, his
resemblance was so entirely superficial that
he became drunk and abusive before the
night was over The magistrate pronounced
sentence in the following homely but emphat-
ic language; Nov, if you had got drunk as
a private citizen and cussed and ripped
around MS such shoald have fined you five
dollars, but inasmuch as you appeared at the
masked ball and committed the offense
while personating the character of George
Washington the revcred father of his
country, ! will have to stick you for twenty
dollars. won't have this patriotism bust.
ness brought into disrepute."