The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-04-09
Breaking up a Love Match
lChieago Cheek


stWhat's the deadliest drug YOU We got In
stock?' inquired young man with enough
court plaster, lint and cotton waste ON his
face and hands to clean up locomotive
ready for its next run.
Cant sell no poison to Suicides said
the clerk. "Been in tight9"
''Pm no suicide, not much. I'm just the
Iiveliest man in the city,
''Want TO poison some rats, don't your
That's an old racket that won't work in this
emporium
mo, l don't want to pizen rats. But if
you've got any triple extract of strychnine
or double concentrated essence of arsenic or
three-ply fly paper soaked in corrosive subIi-
mate, why want it. I'm laying for goat,
Young man. Ever see a goat, wild. an.
tanned Rocky mountain goat, with chin
whiskers and pig iron head?''
I've seen goat drawing boy in a little
| Cart
so, you've seen tame goat harnessed to
little red wagon, have you? Well. he amt
the goat I'm laying for. Look at that ear
| Big as six ears Here the plastered youth
| limped around the end of the show case to
exhibit his principal scars and body wounds.
''See the ridge of that nose? Got to have a
silver bridge put in there. See that ere?
Getting back into its socket somewhat, but
last night it laid out ON my cheek, and the
doctor thought one while he couldn't per.
suade it to go back and sustain pleasant re-
lations with the other one. I've mashed
one of the handsomest girls on the South
Side, it's a regular love match, and her
| father as rich as river mud, and he and
are having regular fight over her, or
was having that kind of set-to until he in
| troduced this goat into the battle. and now
its kind of three-cornered duel, and so
| far the goat is ahead. That's what want
the dose for. want to dose that goat with
something that will make him lay down and
| gently kick his life away to the soft signing
| OF the evening breeze, something which will
| curl him up like a dead leaf rafting in
fence corner The old man got thorough
| bred English bull dog when / first COM
meneed paying particular attention to his
| daughter. and it's many night I've let 90
| OF her hand and lit out over the gate partly
because didn't have time TO work the com
bination lock, and partly because | wasn't
acquainted with that branch of the family.
the dog, but it wasn't many moons before |
crept into that dogs affections. and he
wouldn't bite me any quicker than he would
the old man himself. Well the old gentle
man got onto the undue familiarity which
AC saw CAlobSu DcbA&c0 I1t anu the QOEs
and when he couldn't sic him ON me any
more, and saw with pain that the dog had
rather outlived his usefulness, he sent the
critter out into the country and got this
| goat on to the place, and there amt no two
ways about it, one Of us has got to die, and
| by crimusi l don't feel as though it
ought to be, right in the prime of
life and solid with the girl The girls
just as anxious as / am to assassinate
the goat, as on one or two different occa-
sions the sportive animal has boosted her up
over the gooseberry bushes and up the front
| steps quicker than she intended. You can't
watch out for him, for he don'i stay on the
| ground much, and is just as likely to come
| for you off the wood shed or the roof Of the
porch as he is TO sneak up in the rear and
shoot you along the gravel path with your
nose throwing subsoH like snow plow. |
believe that goat crawls all over the outside
of the house and climbs trees. He has
dropped me sometimes in my tenderest and
most emotional moments--moments when I
was burning with eloquence and / had to
lay there and kick and swear, knocked out
aud paralyzed by the old mans goat. Well.
that goat will eat anything from quail on
toast to weeks washing, and If you'll just
do me up couple Of pounds Of pure strych-
nine I'll invite him to picnic which will
SKATER his nervous system and turn him
into ghost"