The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1883-03-15
WIT AND HUMOk.


Dough for bread must always rise to ex-
plain the workings OF yeast.
Mormonism is steadily spreading over
Idaho. We always knew the Mormons
would come to some bad end. Burlington
Hawkeyo.
A great many people say they write
poetry to kill time. Ii makes the suffering
public wish they would let time live,-[N.
o. Picayune.
Virgins tied up to high tide in the Bay
of Bengal AS u last desperate resort, yester-
day, lie has probably Bou-gallcd enough
by this time.
Ms. General Tom Thumb would 90 shop.
ping otleuer than she does II she had more
money. Her husband is always little
short.-IN. 0. Picayune.
a new book is called "Uuspntted from
the World" It evidently refers to Captain
HowEate. He's "unspotted," rs far as the
the police are concerned Norristown
Herald.
We learn from an exchange that IN sa-
loon keeper named Felter was shot in the
dark If he had been shot in the light,
now, it would have killed him in minute.
Huntington Hawkeye.
"When man lies, observes an exchange,
THE devil laughs" According to this be-
lief, his Satanic majesty deyotes twenty
four hours q day to dangling. What y jolly
old boy he mast BEL Norristown Herald.
A Oil Citizen purchased piano for his
daughter recently, and the other day went
around to the agent and wanted to know
when the forte" would be delivered The
piano had arrived all right, but the fort"
hadn't got there yet Burlington Hawk
eye.
We hear of u woman who applied for
situation as car-driver. Being asked if she
could manage mules she scorufuly replied:
"0f course | can; I've had two husbands"
That woman should go to congress, where
there are plenty to manage Elmira Ga.
5ette,
A household journal says "soapsuds is
not the best wash for silverware." This is
Important if true; but what the Society"
young man wants TO know is how to polish
up dollar store diamond pin SO that il
will look like gem of the first water
LNorristown Herald, =
A young lady, who had been married
over year, wrote to her father i'll the city,
saying: 1--WE have the dearest little cot
taGe in the world, Ornamented with the
most charming creepers You ever saw"
The old man read the letter and exclaimed,
"Twins, by thunder ~
There is one good thing about this two
cent postage. The swarm Of spring poets
won't be compelled to face the dreadful
fact that the stamp on the envelope is
worth three times as much as the poem IN
side. IL will only be worth twice as much.
burlington Hawkeye.
A poet says. ooh, summer land Oh,
sunny south | urn to thee Dope my
mouth and drink thy fragrance once
again !" Fragrance" in the sunny south
costs about ten cents drink, and its other
name is Old Rye The poet must have sold
Il poem.-[ Norrstown Herald.
In ancient times women raised such large
crops of hair on their heads that they could
sit on the ends when they left II hanging
down their backs. Nowadays woman's
hair may be sat down upon by anear.
sighted person in the next room, when II is
left hanging down the back--oi Il chair
[Norristown Herald.
A scientist says the sun is an artist, and
prints thousands of millions oil pictures
in five Minutes The sun must be the
oldest of the "old masters :" and it is not
surprising that the country is now Hooded
with peddlers selling beautiful old
paintings in rich gilt frames" for So so. The
sun has over.stocked the Market Norris
town Herald.
Won Kalkbrenner, the noted pianist, used
to pride himself on the particle which pre-
coded his name, and paraded ii on every
occasion. "Do you know" he once said to
an acquaintance, THAT the nobility of my
family dates from the Crusaders One OF
my ancestors accompanied the Emperor
Barbarossa-" ION the piano?' asked the
other.-TBurli Hawkeye.
hn MI, triad n ayplaip hiq
chicken-stealing experience by saying that
he WAS member of the humane society
and felt it his duty to thin out the over
crowded hen coops for the sake Of giving
them better ventilation, has his board paid
for ninety days by an appreciatlve commu'
nifty. Nobody's talents need 60 to seed in
this country.-ISt. Louis Hornet.
A young wife who had acquired the habit
OF calling upon her husband for state
ment of his receipts and expenditures for
the current week, was after while met
with the impatient exclamation, "See here
support this house, don't II | earn III,
money, don't lT' Yes answered the
young wife rellectively, but then, you
know, save TIN. o. Picayune.
A schoomistress, of Yreka, California
while on her way TO school, was attacked
| by AN infatuated steer. "She seized tn,
animal by the horns, and held him unit
help came" The next day she 81 Y rat II
| the sChOo-room, when she hastily gathered
her skirts about her, jumped up on desk
and yelled murder. a rat has no horns To-
woman to grab hold oi,-[Norristowi
| Herald
Rev. DR.. Dick gays we shouldn't be hare
on Noah, even though the first thing tina
ancient mariner did when he came out o
the ark was to plant vineyard and &c
|
thinks that little indiscretion of that kinC
is excusable in man who has lived ioil'
days and forty nights on water. The mod
ern drunkard can offer no such excuse
TNorristown Herald,
"Will you have dinner Gt the eating sta
tion9n asked the train boy of u passenger
Yes" said the passenger, arising and FOL
lowing the boy. al Just wanted to know,
said the boy, 80 could telegraph ahead.
Telegraph, " repeated the tired passenger
whose patience the slowness of the trait
had exhausted, ~ thought you wanted IN
to stroll on ahead and eat by the time tn
train would get there. VI Arkansaw TRAY
eler.
Not long ago new member of congress,
was invited to dinner. He describes
thus: There was nothing on the tabl,
when got there but some forks and spoon
and brick.a-brack. Presently they brough
In some soup, As | didn't see uothin
else, thought I'd eat all the SOUP could
though soup Is mighty poor dinner to in
vite Teller to. SO was helped four times
aud then come on the finest dinner eve
see, and there sot," he groaned, "chocl
full of soupl'-[New Haven Register.
ARRESTED for carrying pistol, was her
asked magistrate Of an officer, referring
TO gentleman who had Just been si
raigned. Lets see the pistol.n The vea
pom was produced and handed TO the Judge
who examined II and asked
where did you get it1' ~
, bought II at a hardware store.n
"Whst did II COST"
Fifteen dollars"
"Flne implement. How'll you swop?
and the Judge drew out pistol and har
ded II TO the prisoner.
, "Take 40 10 boot,n