Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1883-02-14

[ do anything more for you, John,
dear p asks his patient spouse, kindly.
Nothing jush nOw," replies the object
OF her sollc1tude, only mind you
Wakshe me up minute I'm shirshty."
LITTLE Johnny had been TO church
and heard very obese person. On the
way home he remarked: " What nor
full stomach that preacher had. Didn't
seem right, though, for him to get off
that joke" "What joke ?" interposed
his father. ''Why, don't you know"
return ed Johnny. Where he put his
hands down on the part where his vest
stuck out, and said, man wants but lit
tie here below
TABLE tipping-feeing the restaurant
waiter. The best chest protector-a
dollar to the baggage man. The small
boy is fond of the pantomime at the
theater, but objects to the "slippered
pantalOOn" at home. The prudent man
picks up pin, and the imprudent boy
picks up pms all night in the tenpin
alley, and does not make much either
Boston Conn. Bulletin.
WHEN Capt. Cook first visited Tahiti
| the natives were using nails of wood,
| bone, shell and stone. When they saw
iron nails they fancied them to be shoots
| of some kind of hard wood and, desir-
GUS of securing such valuable commo-
dlty they planted them in their gardens.
| Dust here comes in our medical discov-
ery.) This is the earliest recorded in
stance of ingroWing nails Ch5cug0
! Cheek.
A GENTLEMAN, who had taken the
| right of shooting over moor in
Ayrshire at a high rent, bagged only
two brace the first day. After counting
the price, he grumblingly remarked to
the tenant of the moor that the birds
had cost him two guineas the brace.
The tenant very innooentiy replied:
"Aweel, sir, ye may be Thankful We haze
gotten sac few o. them; they're far too
dear.-E:rchange
! CHURCH work and church meetings
will run smoothly enough as long as
every member is willing to admit that
he is a sinner. The very minute, how
ever, that either man Or woman becomes
sinless or perfect you are bound to have
trouble. No one can SO quickly get up
first class row IN q church as man
who is SO awfully good that he ought
to have gone to heaven ten years ago.
NeaO York Herald. II
81 LOVE to travel on a pass" said
young mau at breakfast table. 81 feel
as though l were proprietor Of the road. "
81 don't, said witty lady from Bos-
ton: 81 would not go to heaven on
pass. ''There IS no danger of your
getting one, was the reply. "You are
a Unitarian, and only Calvinists get
passes" Well, anyway, this is GER
tain, retorted the lady ''we shall be
| deadhead8 before we get there"
A. CLERGYMAN in the time Of Crom-
well, being deprived of his living for
non-conformity, said to bis friends:
''Ihat if he was deprived, it should cost
a hundred men their lives" This
strange speech being noised abroad, he
was summoned before magistrate, and
thus explained his intention: "Should /
lose my bene6ce," said he, 81 am re-
solved to practice physic, and then I
may, il I get patients, Kill a hundred
men.
Nor long ago Justice Huddlegtone, of
England, went to a dinner party at
which a certain great duke was one of
the guests. AS he encountered the but
Ter in the hall he slipped half a sover-
eign into that functionary's hand, and
said: 81 have q few special words to
say to the duke; contrive that I sit next
| to him." "Thanks,' answered the but
Ter, returning the money, "his grace
has just given me a sovereign to place
yon at the other end Of the ROOM
A sAD-FACED man, looking as though
| he had recently lunched off from a chOl-
era epidemic, went into western news
| paper sanctum and remarked. 81 hate to
speak OF it, Mister Editor, but there are
some mighty thin things creep into your
paper once IN while" s'I know it."
said the editor, sand there are some
| mighty thin things creep into a news
paper Office once in a while. too, and if
| you don't skip out pretty quick I'll turn
on the sewer gas and blow you through
the keyhole. The man took the deli
cate hint and with it his departure
| Chicago Cheek.
"OH," said Daisy to her mamma
" I was IN the parlor last night, behind
the sofa, when the preacher came in to
see sister Kate, and they did set up too
close for anything, an the preacher said,
| Katie, dear, luv you, and Katie said,
800, 90, an then the preacher kissed
her right smack in the mouth, an said,
Dear Katie, how good the Lord is to
us poor Sinners an Katie said, 90,
co. an then-an' then" "Well,"
said her mamma, "you wicked child,
you wicked child. what did you do ?"
".W'y, mamma, [ felt so good I blurt-
| ed right out, Let us pray and you
ought to have seen 'em jump"
New Way TO Keep Apples.
From the Country Gentleman