National Republican., 1883-03-24
THE MAN on THE AVENUE.
Small Talk About Men and Measures

taking up bundle of enumerator sheets and
instructions. " lie must be a philosopher, q
Christian, doctor, linguist, and a lawyer,
and, above ALL he is expected to know the
genoology and private history of every In
dian in his jurisdiction, his habits, weaknesses,
and everything concerning his family. Here,
for instance, Is u question, . If this person
habitually wears citizens dress, state the time
in years or fractions since he or she has habit
ually so worn it2 Now, for one would like
to know what constitutes citizens dress.
Does the wearing Of spike tail coat make q
person citizen? If so, what is to prevent
every woman in the land from becoming q
citizen by simply donning her husbands,
| brothers, or lovers garments2 If l wanted
to go out on the street in paper
collar, a pair of wooden shoes, and
q carriage robe | would still be citizen, as
much so as though / attired myself in all the
splendor of district marshal's deputy. A
Pluto enumorator would be assuming grave
responsibility were he to say a noble brave
of that tribe did not were n citizens dress
merely because the red man aforesaid had
seen ft TO cut out the entire rear elevation of
his agency pantaloons Would the wearing
Of pantaloons thus libcrally ventilated debar
a man from citizenship Ifso, why? Is our
tailor TO be the arbitrator Of our most sacred
rights2 Shall the retention of citizenship be
made TO depend solely on the cut of n mans
pantaloons? If so, 1t Is time we knew Of it..
"Then, again, find that the enumerator
must ascertain by personal examination
whether every red skin has been vaccinated,
and whether it took or not. He must ascer-
tain the relationship of each person to the
head of the household, whether wife, servant
son, daughter, brother, or other Just
imagine an cnumerator personally interview
ing an animated scalping knife in quest of
such information, and insisting on knowing
whether he be blind deaf and dumb, idiotic
insane, and taking an inventory of his per-
sonal effects, including cows, sheep, rifles
shotguns, dogs, and the scalps on his lodge
pole whether or not he was ever married or
properly divorced. The enumerator was also
required to ascertain and record the literary
accomplishments of every Indian. Picture
talented enumerator mincing up to savage
simply but artistically attired in war paint
and rooster feathers, and asking him whether
he was accustomed to wearing citizens clothes
and then catechising him as to his proficiency
in the higher mathematics history and
other literary branches and saying never
word about his expertness in pony stealing
throat cutting, and rapino generally.
hayn't had time yet to find out what returns
the Indian enumerators made to the census
bureau, but have no doubt the information
will be found to be as astonishing as it is re-
| liable"
"Good morning, Colonel, ;" said an acquaint-
ance, bowling to Col. Boudinot yesterday.
Good morning-Good Friday" was the
similar response.
This is Good Friday, sure enough" said
the speaker to his companion a moment later,
"and to think that i should have been re-
minded of it by Cherokee Indian. will
drop dollar into the contribution box the
first time it occurs to me and happen to be
in church." ...
40
"The influence of Christianity on the men,
| bers of the stock exchange is one of the most
encouraging signs of the times" said bald
headed deacon to his broker friend yesterday,
as the two were running their eyes over a
ledger page upon which appeared an account
under the head "kind master"
"Yes," replied the broker, "they are
getting very pious over in New York. You
will find 80 per cent. of IKE stock exchange
boys sitting up behind two pairs in Del
monico's and other down town restaurants
this very minute comparing the size of their
hands. You would think Christianizing in
huences had great deal to do with the move
| ~, L
them after business hours. Let one of them
hold up his hand about o'clock in the after
noon and say, 'Who wants to play poker with
me% and there will be an immediate and
almost entire suspension of business There
! is an irresistible fascination in trying to de-
ceive your fellow man at cards"
a@s
"The dress reform movement of Marshal
McMichael will create revolution down
here, believe" remarked gentleman at
the city hall yesterday. "When it was an
nounced that the deputies and bailihs would
shortly bloom forth in resplendent regalia
there was an immediate ebullition of discon-
tent among the employees in the other offices.
understand that Register Ramsdell and
Dist. Atty. Corkhill have held daily consul
tations with the chief justice about the matter
and have decided to uniform their assistants
also"
! "Will their uniforms bear resemblance to
those which will clothe the marshaPs men ?"
queried the Avenue man.
"Not particularly. Mr.. Ramsdell's aids
will be clad in chrome yelew trousers with
mahogany stripes, and coats of venetian green
with yellow collars and dead silver buttons
made in imitation Of skulls and cross bones,
bearing the injunction, " Memento MORT"
"And what was the panoramic effect of Col,
Corkhill's uniforms?"
"Oh, you may rest assured that his assist
ants will be impressively clad. They will be
enveoped in Roman togas ofthat dull leather
hue prevalent in law libraries. Col, Cork
hills idea of togas is at variance with the an
cient one. lie believes they should be but
toned, and consequently he has ordered that
there shall be thirty-eight buttons on each
toga to represent the number of states in tho
union. The buttons bear no device"
The court rooms in future, then, will pre-
sent quito classical appearance"
81 should say so, but don't like the togas.
The uninitiated may take Col, Corkhills
assistants for love sick maidens and coyly
tlirt with them"
~
Mississippi, that don't look right" ex.
claimed a late recruit to the brigade of news.