davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
Insane Kissing.

sLet me tell you an incident that
happened not very long ago. On one
of nv runs out of Chicago we had on
board an old lady who was insane, and
such weird looking soul never set
eyes on before, and hope / never shall
again. Old, wrinkled and wild-eyed,
yet very strong, and lively as crick-
ct, almost, as we found out after
ward.
''She was, of course, in charge of a
keeper, but he had her in the smoker
where she could do no harm, and let
her roam at Will. Well, we had, also,
in the smoker, la-de-dah young chap,
you know, one who knew everything,
and smoked cigarettes. Well, the old
lady caught sight of him on one of her
trips up and down the aisle. and she
stopped short and looked at him for a
time, attracting everybody's attention,
making them think that something was
up.
s'Well, the old lady stood there for
some few minutes and then she cried,
Here's pretty boy. | must kiss him.
If you had seen the look of astonish-
ment and diSmay which came over the
face of that young sprout, you would
have done the same that all the rest of
us did-yen till the noise could be heard
in the next car. Everybody was taken
SO by surprise, you see, that for half a
minute you could heard pin drop
Then the fun of the thing occurred to
everybody as soon as they could get
their breath, and such shout as went
up you never heard. The old lady was
not dazed bit, but she went for that
fellow, determined upon carrying out
her insane freak. Then the fun really
commenced. Nip and tuck. First one
and then the other. You see, she went
right into the seat with him and he had
all he could do to keep her back. She
had more strength than any woman |
ever saw, and would try to get near him
to put her arms around him, while he
would be using all his strength to keep
her away. Finally, he saw that the only
way to get rid of her was to get out of
the car, and he made dive past her in
TO the aisle, and started toward the
door. The old lady was onto that rack
ct and away she went after him. Well,
sir, would you believe it? Before he
reached the door, and he was on good
run too, she had raised him three times.
Yes, sir, mean she kicked him three
times, and if he didn't get out of that
door in pretty quick order, then L am
mistaken. '-I,atervieaO a0ith q C0,aduc-
tor by the Cleveland Herald.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19


"Well, dad" he suddenly began, as
he placed top rail in place. I'm 81
years old tomorrow.
Yes" grudgingly replied the old
man.
''And I'll be my own boss"
The old man looked troubled, and it
was a long three minutes before he
said:
''See here, Sam, believe you have
jumped ahead year"
Cant be, dad. The date is down in
the Bible, and in your own writing"
''Tis eh? Wall. never got anything
right within month, and | reckon I
let it run along three or four weeks
before | put it down. Well call it a
month"
"Not much. I'm going to work for
Deacon Calkins tomorrow"
Sam said the old man, as he let
the maui down beside the rail-cut, ssthis
ere fence has got to 60 up if it busts
the county. III shave the time down
to two weeks, and fyou pitch in smart
you can cali me old man afternoon to-
morrow
Sam agreed. It was better than work
ing for SIC per month. Wal Street
Daily Meas.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
COMMERCIAL ITEM

1t is customary in Austin. when a
child buys anything at a grocery store,
for the proprietor to give the infant a
stick of candy to inspire the purchaser
with confidence and induce him to come
again.
Not long since, little urchin came
in hurriedly, and said that his mother
wanted to know right off what time of
day it was. The grocer looked at his
watch and said it was half-past ten,
whereupon the enterprising urchin re-
marked, holding out his hand:
Hurry up, then, and give me my
piece of candy or ma won't have time
to dress me to 90 to the matinee"
The attention of those pessimists who
have contended that Austin was losing
her trade is called to the above evidence
that the commercial boom has not vet
left us.-IeIdS SittingS.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
How Greeley Accurately Located Hades.

How Greeley Accurately Located Hades.
Shortly after the passage Of the Four
teenth Amendment, q movement in
which Mr.. Greeley had taken consider
able interest, a large darkey who had
called several times at the Tribune
Office came into Mr.. Greeley's private
room, while he was busily engaged in
writing. Now, if there was any one
thing that was well understood around
the Tribune office it was that Mr.. Gree
ley was not to be interrupted in the
midst of his thought When he was
seen to be busy, with his face close
down to his paper, and his pen running
rapidly from left to right across his
sheet, no one around the office had the
hardihood to speak to him. But this
colOred gentleman marched straight up
to his elbow, and with large gold
headed cane under his arm, and fine
broad-cloth coat buttoned close around
his breast, he broke right in:
81 say, Mr. Greeley, | thought l
would call and talk with you, sab, about
advising the cullud people to study de
sciences"
Mr.. Greeley's face assumed a nearer
writing on, and his hand kept going
across it from left to right with greater
rapidity than before. The cheeky freed
man was not to be put out of time in
this way. He therefore spoke again,
and in a slightly louder tone of voice
than before.
81 thought l would ask you" he con-
tinued, ito write an editorial advising
the cullud people to study the sciences. "
Still the great editor wrote on. On
the third repetition of the remark, Mr..
Greeley laid down his pen, and looking
up hastily, exclaimed:
$50 away! Go to HI! Go over
into New Jersey, and go to raising po-
tatoesr'
The colored man didn't trouble him
any more. Cleveland Leader.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
nlanitowof pilot.
THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 1888.
a Woman's Work.

The female mind is may conum-
drum which, though impossible of solu-
ton, it isn't best to give up!
While seated in my Office the other day
trying TO convince myself that lie well
told was almost as good as shabbily
dressed truth, lady with much back
hair and false friZ stepped in and in
CURED if / was present | told her that
a large share of me was there, but that
the thinking portion principally was
seated on a solar spot gathering fresh
spectra. q calculated that would be a
sumner, but she didn't stuuD
SIS there enough of you here to grasp
thought?' she said, as she sank into a
chair in such manner as not to crush
the chair.
Eyes, a small one," said /, ''but not
enough to buckle on to anything heavy
like the theory of dynamics.
well" she inquired as she began to
unbutton her ulster, ''what of woman's
worl1?''
''Alasr' said transposingly,' 'wOmen
must work and men must weep"
mo! seriously now" she exclaimed,
II want TO do some great work so as to
leave foot prints on the sands of time. -
s.Ah, vesin / soliloquized.
''You scatter tracks forevermore,
But leave the heel marks toward the door,"
What number do you wearP' con-
tinued.
.'Two's and a half" said she blush
lngly, drawing one foot out of sight as a
mudturtle does his head; ''but you are
tri1ing with mel / am strong, loving
and capable, and l long to throw my
energies into some great work, and be
doing good to humanity"
"My dear madam, said |, ''the large
contracts Tor well-doing are nearly all
taken! Susan B. Anthony has taken the
European contract and the recent sup
ply of female workers in South Africa
has been more than equal to the de-
mand. A red-headed woman recently
left Moscow for Khiva (overland), who
will probably be able to let her light
shine all over Central Asia, while con-
vet labor covers Australia and the
steppes of Siberia, and the Amazons
have got control of transportation
throughout the entire length of the Am
AEON River which bars out all other fe-
male labor in South America. There is
one field. however, which is still open to
your sex, and to it l would direct your
attention.
''Oh! tell me! tell mer' she cried,
land bid surcease to my soul sobbings
and labor longings.'
$50 home,n / continued, land try
your hand atmaking your little domestic
circle so bright and cheerful that your
husband and children won't want to
spend their evenings away from it!
Mend up their clothing! Sew on their
buttons, and make home a place that
they will love to linger in. Then your
children will not come up street gamins,
or your husband grocery loafer. Then
posterity will rise up and call you bless
ed, and for your laboryou would receive
a reward to which the eclat of the ros-
trum seeking virago is as penny bun
to q square meal. %. IN OlcasSo Press.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
The Wrong Bounce.

Suppose, began little red-headed
man with wild look in his eyes as he
halted policeman on Porter street the
other day-''suppose my mother-in-law
drops down upon me in October and re-
mains right along until now, occupying
the best room, fretting at the children,
putting my wife up to be cranky, and
greeting me daily with such epithets as
brute, hyena and miser?"
''Yes, suppose she does?"
Suppose that finally cease to endure
and bounce her out? Can she have me
arrestedp"
eff you assault her she cam
"Would | be fined over STOP"
81 think not-not for carrying her out
doors in your arms
Thanks. Between this and 4 o'clock
some one will get bounced. In other
words, l shall pass the Rubicon."
AT 10 o'clock that night the same
officer found the man in a drunken
sleep in lumber yard four blocks from
his house. AS he hauled him out into
the light he found one eye closed, his
face scratched, his collar torn oft and
his vest so split up the back that it would
button twice around him.
'Here-wake up-wake up! You are
drunk shouted the officer
Eyes, shome drunk was the thick
reply.
You are the man who was going to
bounce his mother-in-law?"
''Ges, shame man-shame man.
well, where did she go?''
"Where'd she go? Oh, yes, L men,
Der now. Shay?n
Eyes
'When 'er man bounces his mother
in-law which of 'em goes?"
''She does, of course
''Then (hic) then it sheems that (hic)
somebody has made humping big mis-
take, f'r L m the party lef on outside of s.
housen'-DetroH Free Press.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
Whv He Married.

1--WE lost four children on this roadr'
''You don't say sou calculated the
stranger. You have had hard time.
Make the road pay for it?'
"Nell, now, you bet! I got $4,000 a
head for them young ones. Yes, sir,
them children stood me in S., 900 head. "
What areyou worrying about then?n
inquired the stranger, as the old man
went for the window again.
Nothing. partic lar. You see I've
been specializing in stocks lately, and
the market has gone agin' me. To-day my
broker told me my margins had all run
out, and as I'm getting nigh home l
thought my wife might be on the track
somewheres, and if she was, stranger,
if she was, could make them margins
good and stand to win on the whole
0ealn
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19

An exchange remarks that the man
who will invent a seal-skin sacque which
can be worn in summer time will gain
the everlasting regard of several thcus-
and American women. Rather be il
said that the woman who will invent q
linen buster that can be worn with com.
fort in the summer time will gain the
everlasting regard of several thousand
American men who now go half-claG
through the cold months that thei:
wives may appear gorgeous in seal and
sable The self-deniai of these Amer
can husbands is as well known as it il
cOmmendable
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
Clinton. Iowa. Anril 90 1881


wish you would send me a spring for
the VIM Ellery Watch = By the way
this Ellery is a watch sold in yourScrew
Bezel Case TO farmer last fall. The
first OF January he lost the watch 10 the
woods. and found it this week in about
one foot Of water. 1t had lain 3 months
and over In snow and water, with bat
slight injury to the watch-only a hair
spring. @. S. RAYMOND.
The above were very severe tests, and
demonstrate beyond doubt, that for
any reasonable length of time during
which watch might be under water it
wonId receive no injury whatever.
we make these cases in both gold aud
silver, and as perfectly dust-proof stem
winding watch case, challenge the world
to produce its equal. For sale by ell
first class jewelers.. 5iulvS3
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19

II have made one human being happy
today said Fred Blanks to Bob Belt,
an Austin lawyer.
poor widow?' asked Bob.
mo; my means do not allow me to
be extravagant, but | told an applicant
for a position in the legislature that
knew he was going to get it. y
well, that was one of those little
courtesies that casts q ray of sunshine
into the troubled life of a fellow traveller
in this vale of tears, and which does
not cost anything
1.-The mischief it didn't cost anything!
I borrowed two dollars from him on the
strength of it.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19

The Queen is probably still in blissful
ignorance of the fact that on her visit
to Netley last month, she personally
wounded one of her own gallant defend
ers, as, in pinning a medal to the night
shirt of an invalid hero, she pinned in a
portion of the hero with it. The brave
soldier, who had faced Egyptian bayo-
nets, did not finch under a pin-prick,
however, but bore it with Spartan firm
ness, for, as he afterward remarked,
"Bless her; her words were SO gracious
that ] couldn't mind it. :"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
The OCEANS Dean

The coast and geodetic survey steam
er Blake recently returned from a trip
to portions of the Atlantic Ocean which
had not been previously sounded. On
the 10th of January. about 105 miles
northwest of St. Thomas. the lead did
not touch bottom until 4, SOL fathoms of
line had been pain out. This is the
greatest depth ever reached. The map
showing the bottom of the Atlantic is
now nearly complete. In few years
scientists viii know all the secrets of
the great deep worth knowing. Demo
rests Monthly.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
THE FOLLOWING LETTERS TELL THIR OWN
STORY.

VALDosFA, GEORGIA, July 90. 1882.
| sold one of your Patent Dust Proof
Cases about ten months ago, and the
other day it came back to me with the
request to make it wind easier. On ex
animation | found that the stem was rusty
and L inquired into the cause of it, The
gentlemen stated to me that he was start
ing some saw logs that had lodged in the
bend of the river, when his chain caught
IN bush and threw his watch into about
twelve feet of water, and he was about 2
hours finding it. When he got it ont It
was running and he thought all right.
In about three months he found that the
stem was hard to turn and he sent it TO
me. | can say that the watch is all that
the company claims for it and recon-
mend it to all railroad and mill men.
b. W. BENTLY.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
II Is q rninhtr moor r,,ln thn+

It IS a mlghty poor rule that won't
work both ways. Mrs. Lille Devereux
Blake asks: IF twenty boys were brought
up in the same way as girls laced. kept
indoors, taught sewing, embroidery and
playing the piano-what sort of young
men would they be at PIP What sort,
indeed. But asks the Boston Star: III
twenty girls We're brought up in the
same way as boys-allowed the freedom
which custom accords the male sex,
their frailties winked at or excused
what sort of young women would they
be at PIP"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19

a Denver workman was buried under
three and half feet of earth in a caved
IN well. Had he not had presence of
mind when he saw the dirt falling. and
called TO woman to hand him a tin
ram water pipe, he would have died.
But with the pipe pressed close to his
mouth he breathed easily during the two
hours consumed in his rescue.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
THOUSANDS SAY So.

Mr.. T. ". Atkins, Girard, Kan,
writes: 81 never hesitate to recommend
your Electric Bitters TO my customers,
they give entire satisfaction aud are
rapid sellers" Electric Bitters are the
purest and best medicine known aud viii
positively cure Kidney and Liver com
plants Purify the blood and regulate
the bowels. No family can afford to be
without them. They viii save hundreds
of dollars in doctors bills every year
Sold at fifty cents bottle by Robinson
g. Hinrichs. 8
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
A former arnDlova Of tbf

A former employe of the late Govern
or Morgan, of New York, says: "Mor-
gan made it a rule to buy up everything
that was selling less than cost. knew
him once to 60 into heavy operation
in pig-lead, which advanced Handsomely.
| remember also the time when he
bought all the raisins TO arrive, simply
because the price was less than COST
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
BUCKLEN'S ARNICA SALVE.

The best salse in the world for cuts,
bruises, sores, ulcers, salt rhenm, fever
sores, letter, chapped hands, chilblains,
corns, and all skin eruptions, and posi-
lively cures piles. Tt is guaranteed to
give perfect satisfaction or money re-
funded. Price 25o per box. For sale
by Robinson & Hinrichs. 16mar83
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
Peru is the banner town of yermo

cru Is tIlC UaIIIbE tDWu OF STmOQf
after all. A correspondent SAYS it is
true that there is not a doctor or LAWYER
in town, and says: There has not
been lawsuit in town the past year,
and only one death of person under
60 years of age, while there have been
sixteen births, and all the babies now
doing WELL
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
AUSTIN SIFTINGS.
THE RIGHT ANSWER.

"How do you find the third side of
triangle?' asked an Austin teacher of
one of his pupils.
The boy, grumbling, said in low
voice that the teacher was donkey.
Say it over again, Johnny, and speak
up louder. Perhaps your answer is the
right one, - replied the pedagogue, who
is a little deaf.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
RELIGION AS AN UMBRELLA.

During divine services in the Aus
tin Blue Light Tabernacle. several col
ored gentlemen, seeking refuge from the
rain, entered the sacred edifice, intend
ing to remain there until the rain had
subsidized, but Parson Whangdoodle
Baxter raised such a storm that they
were glad to get back into the rain
again.
1--WE reads" said the good man,
pounding on the pulpit with his fist,
1--WE reads in de good Book oh wicked
men maxim de church cloak to cover
up dar sins, but you sinners am heap
wusser. You amt satisfied wild using
de church as cloak. You used de
church as an umbrella.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
THE new PATENT
DUST-PROOF
Stem Winding OpGlFaGGCaS8
uANUEAUEURED BIN TEE
Ara Grican w atch Go,
sAIAs Y-iIans asANn
WALTHAM, MASS.

This case is formed in one solid piece
without Joint or seam, opening in front
only, thus avoiding the usual Cap. and
securing greater strength and durability
These watches are all open face. The
bezel, into which an extra strong crystal
is fitted with an especially prepared water
proof cement, is attached to the case by
screwiog it thereon, and thus forms an
air tight junction with the body of the
case, which is proof against dust and
moisture.
To railroad men, travellers, miners,
lumbermen and others who are almost
constantly exposed and vino have to make
frequent reference TO the watch, these
qualities are of the utmost Importance
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19


NEAR TIbsoS8UEG, Ont, Dec.
"A, 1881. ] have been ailipg
for years with Biliousness aud
Dyspepsia, aud was reduced to
mere skeleton. LAST fell I
weighed only eighty six pounds.
| was Induced 10 try ZoPEsA by
Mr.. Thomson (of the firm Of G.
Thomson & Co, druggists, of
this place. and, many thanks
to him, / am now an entirely
new woman and weigh 1914
pounds, through the use of this
Few compound.
Mrs. CAROLINE FORBES,
Wife of Mr.. r. G. Forbes.
Sold by Robinson 6 Hinrichs.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
WHAT THEY say ABOur TT


Ness. Robinson d: Hi7griciss:-We take
this means of attesting our high opinion
of Hinrichs' american Corr Cure Our
opinion of its value in removing COIYS
and Warts is based on the fact that we
have used it and have found that it will
do just what you claim for it. AS cure
for Cor7as and Warts it is deserving of
the highest praise. and we take pleasure
in recommending it to all who are aftiict-
ed, knowing that it will effect cure in
every instance.
Yours respectfully,
81. d. SMALLEY, Justice of the Peace.
HUGH MORRISON, City Marshal.
r. d, SMART, County Judge.
G. II. SCHMIDT, Editor Nor9 IVesten.
FRED. HEINEMAN, City Clerk.
G. s. CANRIGHT. HENRY BURCHERDT.
A. d. SMITH. FL. KLINGHoLz, oil.
E. BRANDEIs ROYAL SNIFFIN.
JOHN PTrz. FRANK A. MILLER.
J. 2. REINDL. VIM. RUNGE.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19

ENVELOPES, &C., &c:
We also have facilities for filling orders where
special ruling is desired and will meet demands
for such work promptly.
For Pamphlet and Book Work we have sew
eral styles of type suitable for this class Of
printing. Estimates will be promptly furnished
Having three presses and steam power our ia
cilities for doing work expedtiously are unsur-
passed. Orders by mail will receive careful at
tenton at all times
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
Book and Job PRINTING

Being now established in our new quarters in
ToTison's Block, north end of Eighth-st bridge,
we ammo unce to the patrons Of Tue PmoT and
the general public, that with increased facilities
for the rapid execution Of Job Printing, we ca II
fill orders with the greatest dispatch. The PuoT
Jobbing Department has recently been added to
by the purchase of fast press, new type and
other material and is now the largest and best
equipped printing Office in the county.
Having the largest job press in the city we can
fill orders for large jobs of fine printing, such
DOUBLE-SHEET BLA NKS
INSURANCE POLICIES, &c.
as well as every description of Commercial Print
ing, such
BILL HEADS,
NOTE HEADS,
LETTER HEADS,
STATEMENTS, TAGS,
CIRCULARS, CARDS,
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19
A THOROUGH lREhPHENFWI CURE

Cream Balm has gained an enviable reputation
wherever known; aisplaciug all other prepare
tons Send for circular containing tull IniorIna
ton and reliable testimonials. By mail, prepaid,
50 cents a package-stamps received. Sold by
all wholesale and retail druggists.
ELY CREAM BALM CO., Owego, y. Y.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-04-19

It win be absorbed effectually cleansing the mas
Ell passages OF catarrhal virus, causing heaity Sc
cretions. II allays infGmations, protects the
membranal Innings Of the head from additional
colds Completely heals the sores ard restores the
sense Of taste and smell Beneficial results are
realized bv a few applications