The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-08-25
WIT AND HUM0R.

have been centurion.'
An amateur poetess anXiously walls:
go, where can find rest?' Get posi-.
ton as saleswoman in store that doesnt
advertise, darling, N. Y. Commercial
advertiser.
A New York doctor knows of n hus-
band who kissed his wife on the ear and
made her deaf She would not have
been deaf if he had kissed some other
mans wife, and it had come to her ears.
detroit Free Press.
A correspondent writes from Swiss
town, IL was much amused on looking
over a visitors book at the inn to find
that under the heading Occupation,
two German girls had written, Looking
for husband.
DR.. Julian, Il servant, says there is
not modern building which will be in
existence 1000 years hence. There's
always some old genus rising up to say
something to keep folks awake at night
and make them miserable.
The medicine chest of one of the
abandoned Arctic whalers was broken
open by some of the natives, who, think
ing they had found prize. proceeded
to swallow the contents of all the bot
ties. The result was disastrous.
The Tombstone Epitaph, of Arizona,
tells of dear little boy who, when told
upon the first day at school that the first
letter in the alphabet was called "a. !"
said to the schoOlma'm m, "How in lido
you know"
| will explain that whenever want q
thing, and Mrs. McWilliams wants an
other thing, and we decide upon the
thing that Mrs. McWillams wants-as
we always do-she calls that COM
promise. Mark 1Wdin.
The movement in the East to abolish
the vest has petered out. When a man
takes off his coat at Sunday-school
picnic to ladle out the ice cream he
wants something between the public and
the knots in his suspenders. detroit
Free Press.
A New York man was so enraptured
with a lady at fancy ball that he offer
ed her 500 to unmask. She accepted
the money, saying, Now your wife can
pay the servant girls back wages. y 1t
was his mother-in-law.-- Philadelphia
NeWS.
Woman who has been looking over
blankets in Main street store: "Well,
didn't mean to buy. Am just look
inc for a friend" Clerk, politely:
Don't think you'll find your friend
among the blankets. We've looked 'em
all through"
What trouble there would be if ami
mails could talk. Imagine II Spring
chicken in a market house saying to n
giddy old maid: "Oh, you needn't try
to act so young; | knew you when L
was first Matched, and you were a mere
baby then. - Philadelphia Net0S.
The poet Bowles was in the ahbit of
daily riding through country turn
pike gate, and one day he presented as
usual his two-pence to the gate-keeper.
'What is that for, sirP'' he asked: ''For
nv horse, of course" ''But, sir, YOU
have no horse Dear mel eXclaim-
ed the astonished poet, IAN | walk
ing?'
A gentleman. young in years, but well
grown for his are, was asked at Il store
Yesterday if he had any 'confusons"
on hand. He was unable to CLEAN what
the blushing damsel desired, and, re-
firing, permitted the proprietor S daugh-
ter to attend to the customer. She
speedily ascertained that the young lady
wanted "bustle, and sold her couple.
The Popular Science Monthly has di-
rections How to act in tornado" but
fails to tell man Just how to comport
himself in case he should hurriedly pass
a lady friend about 1000 feet in the air,
both on the top wave of Il cyclone.
Would it be proper to dotl the hat. or
would the cyclone care for that little
courtesy? Hartford Post.
Little Sam Wrinkler, on visiting n
neighboring family last Sunday, was adj
dressed by the lady of the house. WHAT
can | do for you my little man?' she
asked. Il donno, said Sam. Mamma
told me not to ask for cake or pie, as |
did last time. and I'm sorter at a loss to
know what to ask for. for don't know
what else you've got in your pantry,
anyhow, but | can put up with most
anything that's handy. Street.
Old gentleman in a beer-garden near
the railroad depot, waiting for his wife
to arrive on the next train, complaining
to himself Here have already drunk
six glasses of Pilscncr. and Cooking at
his watch) the train will not be here for
one hour to come. This will compel
me to drink six more glasses. It's ter
rible What an expensive wife | have
got" Hiegende Blaetter.
Il wish | had a drink remarked
Mrs. Fogm, but don't like to 90 over
there to the fountain, there are so many
men there" You've inst Us good a
right as they have" said Fogg: don t
YOU see the motto, for man and beastg
Come along" "Oh! it is very well for
YOU to say come along replied Mrs.
F., ''but you know I'm not man. y
Boston transcript.
On Sunday evening Booey arose with
an air of great Importance, and said:
..Bredrcn, my tex will be found in de
twentv-fort chapter Oh MatthoO. an de
forty-fort verse" Here he broke down
completely. looked around with an air
of bcwilderment. and then, pointing
IL s -.