The Portland daily press., 1883-04-10
He Makes an Impromptu orangeman of
His Pa, and is Accused of Infideli5y by
the Grocer.

His Pa, and is Accused OF Infideliuy by
the Grocer.
Say, win you do me fayora" asked the
Milwaukee bad boy of the grocery man, as
he sat down on the soap box and put his wet
boots on the stove.
'Well, yes said the grocery man. hest
tatlngly, with feeling that he was liable to
be sold. ''If you win help me to catch the
villain who hangs up those disreputable
signs in front Of my store, will. What is
;ts''
II want you to lick this stamp and put it
on this letter. It's to my girl, and / want to
fool her. and the boy handed over the let
Ter and stamp, and while the grocery man
was licking it and putting it on the boy filed
his pockets with dried peaches out of box
There, that's small job said the gro
Gerry man, as he pressed the stamp on the
letter with his thumb and handed 1t back.
"But how are you going 10 fool her?''
That's just business said The boy, as he
held the letter TO his nose and smelled of
the stamp. ST will make her tired.
You see, every time she gets a letter from
me she kisses the stamp, because she thinks
/ licked 1t. When she kisses this stamp and
gets the fumes of plug tobacco, stale beer,
limburg cheese and mouldy potatoes, it will,
knock her down, and then she will ask me
what allied the stamp and will tell got
you to lick it, and that will make her sick
and her parents will stop trading here. Oh.
it will paralyze her. Do you know. you
smell like glue factory. Gosh, can smell
you all over the store. Don't you smell any
thing that smells spoiled?'
The grocery man thought he did smell
something rancid and he looked around the
stove and finally kicked the bows boot off
the stove and said, Its your boots burning.
Gracious, open the door. It smells like a
44shiaH 81 cams n and hsI aa Tier bana hsg
chiefs to their noses and while they were
trading the boy said, as though continuing
the conversation:
Yes, pa says that the last oleomargarine
/ got here is nothing but axle grease. Why
don't you put your axle grease in a different
kind OF packagea The only way you can
tell axle grease from oleomargarine is In
spreading 1t on pancakes. Pa says axle
grease will spread but your alleged butter
just rolls right up and acts like lip salye, or
ointment, and is only fit to use on a sore
At this point the ladies went out of the
store in disgust, without buying anything,
and the grocery man took dried Goldfish by
the tail and went up TO the boy and took
him by the neck. "Golblast you, have a
notion TO kill you. You have driven away
more custom from this store than your neck
is worth. Now you git,'' and he struck the
boy across the back with the Goldfish.
That's just the way with you all. says
the boy, as he put his sleeve up to his eyes
and pretended to cry; "when fellow Is IN
In the world there is nothing too good for
him, but when he gets down, You maui him
with Goldfish. Since pa drove me out of
the house, and told me to go and shirk for
my living, haven't had kind word from
anybody. My chum's dog won't even follow
me, and when fellow gets so low down
thai dog won't even follow him, there is
nothing left for him to do but loaf around
grocery. or sit en- jury, and / am too
young to sit on jury, though / know more
than some beats that lay around the court
to get on jury. am going to fdroWn
myself. and my death will be laid to you.
They will find evidence of Goldfish on my
Clothes and you will be arrested for driving
me to suicides grave Good-by. / for
give you" and the boy started for the door.
Hold on, here" says the grocery man,
feeling that be had been too harsh. Come
back here and have some maple sugar.
What did your pa drive you away from
home for?'
ooh, it was on account Of St. Patrick's
day." said the bad bog as he bit off half a
pound of maple sugar and dried his tears.
You see, pa never sees ma buy new silk
handkerchief but he wants IL. 'Tother day
ma got one Of those orange-colored handker-
chiefs, and pa medIately had sore throat
and he wanted to wear it, and ma let him
put 1t on. l thought would break him of
taking everything nice that ma got, so when
he went down with the orange handkerchief
on his neck told some Of the st. Patrick
boys in the Third Ward, who had green rib
bons on, that the old duffer that was putting
on style was an orangeman, and he said he
could whip any st. Patrick day man in
town. The fellers laid for pa, and when he
came along one OF them threw barrel at
pa, and another pulled the yellow handker-
chief off his neck, and they all yelled hang
him. and one grabbed rope that was on
the sidewalk where they were moving
building, and pa got up and busted. You'd
dide to see pa run. He met policeman
and said more'n hundred men had tried TO
murder him, and they had mauled him and
stolen his yellow handkerchief. The po-
liceman told his pa his life was not safe, and
be had better go home and lock himself in,
and he did, and was telling ma about how |
got the boys TO scare pa, and he heard 1t, |
and he told me that settled II. He said / |
mad caused him to run more foot races than |
my champion pedestrian, and had made his |
life miserable, and now ! must go 1t alone |
Now want you to send couple of pounds |
Of crackers over to the house, ard have your |
BOY tell the hired girl that had gone down
70 the river to drown myself, and she will |
ell ma, and ma will tell pa, and pretty soon
you will see bald-headed pussy man
1t up towards the river with
rope. They may think, at times that am
= little tough, but when it comes to parting
forever, they weaken"
swell, the teacher at school says you are
1 hardened infidel,' said The grocery man, as
ne charged the crackers to the boys pa. aHe
'ays he had to turn you out to keep you from
'uining the morals of the other scholars.
How was that?'
at was about speaking piece. When I
Isked him what / should speak, he told me
o learn some speech of some great man.
ONE LAWYER or statesman, so learned one
# Bob Ingersol's speeches. Well you'd a
ide to see the teacher and the school com
oittee when started in on Bob Ingersolps
ecture. the one that was in the papers when
Bob was here. You see thought if news
,aper that all the pious folks takes in their
antilles could publish IngersolPs speech it
wouldn't do any hurt for a poor little boy
Who amt knee-high to a giraffe, 10 speak IL
n school, but they made me dry up. The
eacher is a Republican, and when Ineersol
vas speaking around here on politix, the
ime of the election, the teacher said Bob
vas the smartest man this country ever pro-
uced. / heard him say that in a corcus,
When he went cumming around the ward
ettin 'em up nights, specting to be superin-
endent of schools. He said Bob Ingersoll
ust took the cake, and think it was darn !