The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1883-10-20
The Patent CalumniatOr.

for State Senator up in Oregon the
otner day, and the same evening dusty
looking stranger, chiefly attired in an
old plug hat and an lngratiating smile.
dropped in to see the nominee on par
ticular business.
Il have come, Major" said the visi-
tor, putting his feet on the piano stool
ana lighting a Sullivan cigarette, II
have come to congratulate you on your
prospects, and to offer you my services
as tirst-class calumniator. y
"a what" asked the Major, much
surprised.
''Why, calumniator. Never run for
office beforep Well, I'll explain: You
see, as soon as a nominee starts in on
his canvass, of course the opposition
parties get right in and traduce him
for all that's out; you've noticed the
fact | dare sayPn
Eyes, | think have" said old Snod-
grass with q sigh.
Exactly; they invent all sorts of
queer stories about the man, and try to
'blacken his record the worst way"
"And they succeed pretty often, too"
groaned the Major.
They used to, my dear sir, they used
to, said the expert, ''but not since the
introduction of my new idea, the pat
emit calumniator scheme. Itworks like
a charm"
"Does, eh?" said the amateur poll
tieian
You bet it does. Now. how do we
work the business and defeat the plans
of the opposition-now how?"
Cant imagine" said the Major.
why, by getting ahead of them
every time, bless your heart. Do your
own slandering, don't you see? Put
'em on the wrong track, Ell? You
grapple with the idea, don't you?"
Cant say l do said Snodgrass, re-
fiectively.
:. "Why, it's as simple as daylight. You
see, you stake me on the quiet, and I
get in and start paper apparently de-
voted to the opposition. The very first
issue | come out and allude to the long
suspected fact that you poisoned your
grandmother in IT,"
"But 1 didn't'' roared the Major,
looking round for club.
] Gently gently! my dear SIR" said
the visitor, putting his foot on the
poker. ''Of course you didn't, but
say so all the same. OF course all the
other opposition papers will take it up
and make fearful row. Then an in
vestigation is had, and both your grand
mothers are found to be living. Catch
the point, don't you?"
"But how does that help me?" asked
the nominee.
"Why, don't you see, it keeps the
other fellows attention excited. and
they don't 60 into your real record at
ALL
"But myrecord is all right" said the
Major, Indignantly.
"Well, perhaps it is-perhaps it is,
said the expert, dryly. ''But it's cold
day that these newspaper hyenas can't
dig up a bone or two. Better keep
'em off the track. Well, the next thing
j drop the grandmother scandal, and
say that we have four affidavits that
you beat your first wife with rolling
pin, and that you have served out two
terms in the penitentiary for forging
checks in your early youth. That'll
start EN- off again"
"Then I'm indicated again, am ~"
Precisely. In fact | come out and
editorially withdraw the charges, but at
the same time | claim that the we'll
founded circumstances of your having
set fire to a blind asylum in Louisiana
and being wanted for smuggling in
Cuba have never been satisfactorily eX-
planned. y
"Well, and then?n said the nominee
thoughtfully.
''After we have let up on these
charges and admitted that you were
never in either place in your life, we go
for you worse than ever-say something
perfectly terrible, you Understandable
cuse you taking lessons on the cornet,
orsomething like that, you see, and keep
the SANDER mill booming right up to
election day."
''And you think that will help me?"
unused the Senatorial aspirant.
.Why, to be sure, my dear sir. It's
the only way. And beside all this,
groundless prosecutions make the public
indignant, and the first thing you know
everybody is voting for you out of pure
sympAthy. It's the only way
And as the inventor of the patent
calumniator is now in town buying type
it is fair to suppose that Major Snod-
grass will be elected ahead of his ticket.
Sam Francisco Post