The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-02-15
Artemus Ward on Head-Centres
and Irish Funds.

MY Irish frens. am here as your naber
and fren. know you are brave and warm
hearted. know you are honest in this Fin
ian matter.
But let us look at them Head Centres Let
as look at them rip-roarin' orators in New
York, who've been tearin' round for up ards
year, swearin' Ireland shall be free.
There's two parties-O' McMahonys and
Moo Roberts. One thinks the best way is to
60 over to Canady and establish Irish Re-
public there, kindly permittin' the Canadi-
ans to pay the expenses of that sweet boon
and the other wants to sail direct for Dublin
Bay, where young McRoy and his fair young
bride went down and was drownded, accord
IN to ballad / onct heard. But there's
one pint on which both sides agree-thats
the Funs. There wllin', them chaps in
New York, to receive all the Funs you'll
send 'em. You send puss to night. to Ma
hony, aud another puss to Roberts. Both
will receive 'em You bet. And with 9TH
or pusses it will be similar.
was into Mr.. Delnonico's eatin' house
the other night, and l saw my fren, Mr..
Terrence McFadden, who is a elekent and
enterprisin' deputy Center. He was sittin'
at a table, eatin' canvas back duck. Poul
try of that kind. as you know, is rather high
Just now. / think about S. per Poult. And
a bottle of green seal stood before him.
How are you, Mr.. McFadden? l said
ooh, Mr.. Ward! / am miserable l-miser-
able! The wrongs we Irishmen suffer! Oh,
Ireland Will a troo history of your suffer
ms ever be written? Must we be forever
ground under by the iron heel of the despot-
ic Briton?-but, Mr.. Ward, won't you eat
suthin'P
the house, | wouldn't mind jiniI' you in be-
In ground under by Britain's iron heel.'
Green turtle soup, first% he said.
well, yes. If Pm to share the wrongs of
Ireland with you, don't care if do have
bowl of soup. Put a bean into it, / said to
the waiter. 1T will remind me of my child
hood days, when we had 'em baked in con-
junction with pork every Sunday rnornin',
and then all went up to the village church
and had refreshin' nap in the family pew
Mr.. McFaddeD, who was sufferin' SO tburly
for Ireland, was of the Mahony wing I've
no doubt that some ekally patriotic member
of the Roberts wing was sufferin' in the
same way over to the MasOn-Dory eatin'
house.
see blow struck for Irish liberty! We
hain't seen nothin' but Blow, so far-its
been all blow, and the blowers in New York
won't get out of the Belluses as long as our
Irish frens in the rooral DISTRICTS send 'em
money.
Let the green float above the red, if thapll
make it anv better, but don't you be the
green. Don't never go into anything till
you know whereabouts you're goin' to.
This is very good country here where
you are, You Irish hav' enjoyed our boons,
held your share of our offices, and you GER
tainly hav' done your share of onr votin'.
Then why this hullabaloo about freein Ire
landa You do your frens in Ireland great
injoory. too, because they b'lieve you're
comm sure enuff, and they fly off the handle
and get into jail. My Irish frens, ponder
these things little. Famine 'em closely.
and above all find out where the pusses go
to-
sot down. There was no applaws, but
they listened t. me kindly. They know'd l
was honest, however wrong might be;
and they know'd, too, that there was no
people on arth whose generosity and gallant
ry had a higher respeck for than the Irish,
except when they fly off the handle. So. my
Teller citizens let me toot my horn,