Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-05-14

Several pages in the New Jersey legis-
lature have been arrested for theft. This
is warning not to let boys associate with
old depraVed politicians.
An honest man is the noblest pursuit of
woman, but when she overtakes him, she
generally finds that he is not the fellow
she thought she was looking for.
Harry said a conscientious teacher,
edo you know why am going to whip
you?" eyes, replied the young hopeful,
stbecause you are bigger than 1 am
''Dear Mr.. JONES' said learned wom-
an, ''you remind me of barometer that
is filed with nothing in the upper story"
''Divine Amelia" said he, ''you occupy
my upper story"
Patti claims to have been bitten by
mouse, but the Philadelphia Neacs is in
credulous. 1t says: 'sPerhaps it was not
mouse, Patti. Try rubbing the wood
work of your couch with kerosene"
''Is anybody waiting on your" said
polite dry-goods clerk to young lady
from the country. ''Yes, sir," replied the
blushing damsel ''that's my fellow out
side; he wouldn't come in the store
A compositOr who was puZZlng over
one Horace Greeleys manuscripts sagely
and savagely Observed eff Belshazzar
had seen this handwriting on the wall he
| would have been more terrified than he
was"
At a recent divorce trial the wife was
asked a question to which she made the
following reply: "When was first mar
ried I was so jealous Of my husband that
1 thought every woman l saw wanted
him, and now l wonder how / ever could
have been such fool as to have wanted
him myself
| ''Do you really believe that an ass ever
| spoke to Balaam?" queried man who
prided himself on his intellect. Coler-
idge, to whom the question was put, re-
piled: ''Friend, have no doubt whatever
that the story is true. l have been spoken
| to in the same way myself" The man of
the inquiring mind retired for meditation.
'.What harm has the lad done you?"
asked an old gentleman, roughly collaring
a boy who was warming the jacket of
another urchin with strap. s'He amt
! done me no harm.'' 'sWhat are you
thrashing him for, then % 's'Cause his
father and mother never licks him, ami
I'm doing it for charity" answered the
boy
Mark Twain failed to answer a letter
written to him by Sergeant Ballantine.
After waiting reasonable time. the latter
was so exasperated at not receiving an
answer that he mailed Twain sheet OF
paper and a stamp as a gentle reminder
Mr.. Clemens wrote back ON a postal
''Paper and stamp received; please send
an envelope
Perhaps one of the best texts choser
for discourses on Gov. Buffers fast day
in which the governor was criticised, wa:
that of Rev. J. f. Lowering of Worcester
His subject was, Benjamin and his tribe,
and he took his text from Genesis xix.
81: Benjamin shall raven as a wolf il
the morning: he shall devour the prey ant
at night he shall divide the spoil.''
A reviyalist preacher in Canada drew
great crowd by advertising collection
of the most notorious sinners in the world
;. The people all went, expecting to Sc
o Oscar Wilde and Lydia Pinkham and Be
Butler and a lot of other iniquities. Bu
all the collection they saw was in tn
T preachers hat as it went around. An
yet they couldn't deny that the preache
had filled the bill.
Old Iun-out lands can be restored to their origin
fa,,iI;ty NV thnrouob liberal an,I;f