The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-08-10
WIT AND HuMoR.

| we'll.
There's difference between the affa-
bility of a young girl and the taffybility
OF the experienced fiirt.
What's in name? Well, if it's q
Russian name we should answer, the
alphabet.
A Michigan woman describes her abb
sconding husband as of a ''fried-pork
complexion.
England has been detected sending
its poor to this country, notwithstand-
ing America is a place where even the
servant girls want to wear silk dresses.
A Mandan man, whose wife knocked
him out of bed and bunged his eyes,
tells his friends that he is suffering from
imfiammatory room-mate-ism.
Awoman can sometimes do something
without damaging others, but when q
lady undertakes to help herself some
man has to suffer for it.
Milton says: Beauty stands only
in the admiration of weak minds" but
then everyone knows that the poor poet
was blind.
Lissette: "Well, Gertie, how pleases
you the trumpeterP" Gertie: "Oh,
good! but his kisses taste little after
BRASS"
Never expect to make living SELL
ing bootjacks in barefooted town.
Might as well keep a bookstore where
people do not read.-New Orleans Pic
dyune.
A Precise Father. He did not object
to his daughter joining musical socie-
ty, but gently insisted that abbrevia-
tons were coarse-"Philip Harmonic
sounds more genteel, my dear"
1t is an historical fact that Solomon
had seven hundred wives. So the bib
lical statement that he was the 'wisest
man" must have been typographical
error on the part of the printer.
account of being detained at home by
some needed repairs on his pantaloons,
mournfully suggests that it is all folly
to say, at is never too late to mend"
Lawyers are about the only class of
men who successfully oppose a ''wo-
mans WILL" says somebody. 1t will be
observed, however, that the lawyers al
ways wait until the woman is dead.
A German friend of the editor of the
Newport (Ky.) Journal advised him
when he got married: "Lif in Won
room ondil you so many children got
you must two rooms haf-it vas peter
to CRAWL oop as schump oop and fall
down."
There are few things so irritating in
this life as to wait half an hour for
your adversary at checkers, and then
have him look up, as if just aroused from
nap, and stupidity inquire, "Whose
move is it?''
"This soup, waiter, is cold. Can't
you bring me some warm soupp" "Why,
sab, you mus be mistakin', sab. Dat
soup was so hot that it took all the skin
off my thumb, sab, when fetched it in,
sah." The stranger concludes that he
will forego the soup and take walk.
A New York boy drank a pint of
whisky, went swimming, ate lot of
green apples, drank large quantity of
ice water, and went to bed. Next morn
ing he was found dead. About the
worst thing boy can do in hot wealth
er is to fill himself up with ice water.
This is the season of the year when
pretty woman, instead of remaining ut
home and making herself prettier by
the aid of white dress and airy sum-
mer drapery, prefers to go to the sea-
shore, where she makes herself ugly by
appearing in bathing costume. -Loweu
Citizen.
A boy in Wilmington, N. c., was bit
ten by rattlesnake few days ago,
the fang of the serpent entering the end
of one of his fingers, when he seized
Ratchet which happened to be near at
hand, and cut off his finger before the
poison had time to spread through his
system.
There is beautiful practice common
throughout a portion of Mexico for lit
tie children to kneel before stranger
and pray that he may have safe jour-
ney. And the fathers of the children
have practice, not so beautiful, of
"layin' for" the stranger in the forest
with jackknife two feet long.-New
York Graphic.
"See here, landlord, didn't you adj
vcrtise an entire absence of flies and
mosquitoes at this place?n Certainly,
sir; but those advertisements were pre-
pared in March, and | assure you in
the most solemn manner that we
wern't troubled in the least until the
last of May. If you had only come up
here in April you would have had
glorious time"
'rhe cheapest gymnasium, says
gentleman, quoted by the Rochester
Herald, lis piece of rope three and a
half feet long fastened at one end TO
staple little above the head of the OPP
orator, who by pulling at the other end
of the rope can exercise every muscle
in his body" We don't believe it
would work. Guiteau ano several 9th
err gentlemen have tried something of
the sort, and where are theyP-BufaIo
Express.
A year or two ago young A, aged 25
and impecunious, married the widow
b, aged 40 and possessing comforta-
BILE property. A day or two since they
were inspecting their new house. "Tidy