The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-05-09
COMIC COMMENTS.

doctors say that the only sure protection
against neuralgia and sore throat is full
beard. They charge but 81 where the adj
vice is given to young man of IS.
Recent events only of interest: Prof.
Proctor speaks of "a 100000 years ago as
calmly as any other man would remark OF
last Fourth of July. II is what has happen,
ed in the last fifty years that has worried
most of us.
Evidence of hard times Several
large brewery and distillery firms aaye failed
since the beginning of the year When
brewery can't make money the times may
be regarded as pretty hard. Noe11sto'eh
Herald
Difficulties of language A Russian
claiming to be nobleman has been arrested
IN Boston for getting money under false pre-
lenses. Although speaking seven language
he was unable to tell the truth in any one Of
them.-LotneH Gouritr.
Restaurant item A Louisville restaur
ant has added eight kinds of pie to its bill OF
fare but the proprietor does not announce
that he is prepared to furnish nightmares of
all grades at short notice - D@Is's Trdeel-
srs' Magazine.
-Pious notions When n California man
ices g no cards !" at the end of marriage
aotice of friend he remarks that " that girl
has put some of her pious notions into Jim's
head but he'll get over them after he has
been married awhile ~ Somerpiie journal
Very strong breath indeed: The story
is told, it may or may not be true, that dur
ing free fight in Chicago saloon mar
was shot in the mouth, but escaped injury
through the ball hattening itself against his
breath Rochester Post Express.
Cause 10 brag: A German statistician
estimates that q, O0O, 900 rats were drowned
by the late floods in that country. Over
here, if man works for two weeks with a
dollar trap and pound of cheese to catch
one poor old rodent he brags over il as ii he
mad won a horse race.
An uncertain sign: A scientific writer
says that a low forehead does not always in
dictate ignorance Neither does n high fore
head denote knowledge. Many man
whose forehead extends clear over to the
back of his neck does not know enough TO
pull down his vest. --Ne,e Y0rh ddeertistr
Unrestrained enthusiasm g. What on
earth makes you announce that you extract
teeth without pain Didn't | hear every
patient you had up here yell 7" You did,
SIR" replies the peripatetic dentist, but
those were shrieks of joy which they uttered,
sir They were so delighted, sir. at being
painlessly relieved that they could not re-
strain their enthusiasm !" French fua.
A discourteous legislator, An Austin
merchant says that Colonel Harris Cheover,
member of the Legislature, is the cham.
pion impolite man of Texas "What did
lie do that was SO impolite 2" we asked 81
me. him on the avenue" replied the mer-
chant, land he did not lift his hat to me,
and il IS the same hat | sold him on credit
during the last session of the Legislature. ~
1sras Sittiags,
"A hard head: My planter friend here
tells of an incident in his gin house, where a
negro hurryine with sack of cotton on his
shoulder, struck beam with his head The
blow was like the stroke of sledge hammer
and the whole building trcmbled ."1hat
must have hurt your head, Jim,n said my
friend, pityingly "No, sah," was the re
ply; didn't hurt my head a bit, but sprain
ell my neck drefiiy. From Southell
Letter.
"A Chesterfield in tatters :. Is the Indy
OF the house 2" asked a tramp of the SER
want who rang the door-bell of one OF the
stateliest mansions in Austin. ode lady OBJ
de house don't come to de door to talk wild
de like OBJ YOU" Then" said the tramp.
elevating the remnant of hat, with giace
Chesterfield might have envied, "tel the
lady of the house gentleman wishes to
speak with her in the parlor. y 7eras Sgt
iags.
The Nabob of Dude: Curran happen
ed to tell Sir Thomas Turton that he could
never speak in public for u quarter of an
hour without moistcning his lips. Sir
Thomas declared that he lad spoken for five
ks,urs in the House of Commons on the Ma
beb of Dude without feeling in the least
thirsty. THAT is remarkable, indeed, OBJ
served Curran, for everybody agrees that
ii was the dryest speech of the session."
Old Jest
An inexr erienced reporter rebuked (:
"This win never do, s,id the local editor
10 the new reporter. You say that The
man was killed. That il too tame You
should have said that b, WAS crushed into a
shapeless mass, or, his reeking corpse pre-
sented a CHASTITY sight. Then you make the
bald statement that tho doctor was not
needed The services of the physician
were not called into requisition' that's how
you should have put il, That's journalism,
that is. - Boston Transcript.