Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-03-14
A Daily Necessity.


A mild hammered man came down
the aisle of the car before we got to
Utica, and said softly:
"Can | sell you life preserver to-
day, sirP"
The Jester looked at him in amaze
ment. "Well, hardly" he said. If
you could sell me something with which
/ could kill the train boy without risk
of detection, now, l would consider
that as near life-preserver as any
thing, but | have no use for the ordi-
nary cork jacket that is never found un-
der the berths nor in the cabins of the
ocean steamers"
"And yet" the agent softly assured
him, "every day you travel on the train
you run a risk of awful death. You
need q life-preserver as much in the
railway parlor car as on the ocean
steamer Now have here very neat
and useful continuance. Ii is built, as
you see by this model, on the general
architectural plan of the complete
armor of the middle ages, and gives the
wearer Richard Coer de Lion appear
ance."
II should think it would make him
look more like the scrap heap of a
prosperous railroad said the Jester,
'where the rusty looking old man year
after year weighs and sorts rusty odds
and ends that nobody ever uses If
wore that armor of yours, the boys
would kidnap me and sell me to the
junk man every time the circus came
around"
''This invulnerable armor, continued
tho agent, lis an infallible and inde-
structible protection against the sever
est shocks You might lie down on the
track, clad in this suit of mail and let
thirty-eight ton locomotive run over
you. Steam could not scald you, and
if, by the conclusion of the collision.
another passenger ran into you head
on, it would be cold day for that other
passenger. Here at your side hangs the
regulation pattern old Front de Boeuf
battle axe, with which to hew your
way through the roof or sides
of the overturned car, and hack your
unhappy passengers free from encum-
bering clutches of the tangled seats.
Should the flames of the burning car APP
proach near enough to threaten to roast
you in your armor before you get out.
this fire extinguisher at your back will
avert that danger. This Sir Hildebrand
Hildesprit railway life saving armor is
the only positive assurance mans
family have that they will ever see him
again when he buys ticket to the next
station, and no wise man will travel
without it. And then it secures you
plenty of room in crowded car, for
the man with the big overcoat, who
always crowds into two-thirds of your
seat and smothers you up into a corner
without looking at you, can make nc
impression on this armor, and he won't
want 20 dig his vicious elbows into
these ribs of steel more than twice
And when"
THAT settles it," said the Jester
"you may take my measure right
heren
And although he had to pay 123 cents
pound, delivered at the foundry, the
Jester ordered two suits; one to wear
and one to set up in the seat beside
him, to keep out the bore who loves to
shrek and howl amid the roar and rat
tie of the train, under the impression
that he is carrying on a converse
ton"
"And when get that medieval ar
moral Railway Life Saving suit of mail,
said the Jester, Oscar Wilde will turn
olive green with fleshly envy. Bur.
dette IN Burlington HaWkeye.