The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-09-08

very true Of dudes.
Can, get drunk on water? Nonsense.
Go on yachting trip and see if you can't
Any young ,nan is made better by sig
ter's love, 1t is not necessary to be his
own sister.
a Texas mule has been sunstruck. 1t
was done in selt-de.ense, the mule was
such high kicker,
| Isn't 1t little inconsistent that 1.-The
Missouri Problbitlonlsts should nominate
a full state ticket"
Somebody has been bright enough TO
say, "Langtry and Gebhardt-the lily of
the valley and the valet OF the lily"
The lunatics on Blackwell's Island are
going to follow the example of lunatics in
other parts OF the country aud star. news.
paper,
a Dakota paper learns that Fargo
musician Is at Crcokslon, teaching the
band of that town to toot on the wild ba
ZOO"
a Newport man Is so ncarsighted that
he ilrts with his own wife It's wonder
her resemblance TO his mother-in-aw did
not put him on his guard.
In one of her poems Ella Wheeler asks
to be clothed in rosy light" Couldn't
Ella be prevailed upon to compromise on
a mosquito bar for modesty's sake.--Stote
Register.
Loss of sleep, tbs SAID, Is making men
small and puny. That is fact, Just
look at the difference in the physique of
O delicate scholar and q robust night po-
llceman.
The popular game in Indiana is betting
on the weight of a stranger. The SAID
stranger has lead Jacket under his coat,
and his pal rakes in a heap of half dollars.
\ sponge measuring eight feet IN cir
conference has been taken off Key West.
The country hasn't experienced such an
other relief since Oscar Wilde went away
-Haukeye.
Mrs. Belva Lockwood, the lawyer, says
it is easier TO get divorce IN Maine than
u drink OF whisky. The laxness OF the
divorce business in that state could not be
more iorcibly put-LOweU Courier
A Dubuque man accidentally knocked
himself down with club that he was
waving toward some cats. He then did
the best thing he could under the cir
cumstances. He iawed his wife, Boston |
Post.
The scarcity of gentlemen at Il neighbor-
ing summer resort was so apparent that
Boston lady telegraphed to her husband
George, bring down lot of beaus for the
hop this evening" Thanks to the tele-
graph manipulation, George arrived with
pot Of beans"
The latest achievement OF the eight
fingered" gentry in Canada is the success
full theft Of a locomotive. The lVorld sug.
gests that the Canucks seem to be prepar-
Ing to come over to the United States and |
help TO run the Republican party,
Mr.. John Moran, Connecticut man.
went INTO the fremont House in New
Haven on Monday and tried to commit
suicide by blowing his brains out with a
pistol, but failed after four shots at his
OWN forehead, the bullet each time falling
lattened on the floor. The colored porter
who was the first to interrupt HIM, on ex
mining his wounds, could only cxclalm,
'Golly, what head for buttingr'
THE WRONG GIRL;
Girl in the hammock
Reading book
Catches man
By hook or crook.
Girl in kitchen
Scrubbng pan
Can not gobble
Any mau.
Ten years later,
Head in whirl,
Wished he'd taken
Kitchen girl
oil CITY Bli=.a,d
A reporter OF the WOrM has discovered
n Brooklyn rival to the great Phlladel-
,hia lyrist, C, w. Child, as an obituary
,oet, and gives the following among other
pecimens of his work:
DIED OF TRICHIN.E.
Mary Maloney
Bought some bologne
Aud it was full of trichina;
When the small germs
Grew into worms
She wriggled off to fields greener
DIED OF A COUGH.
We loved our little "peach,"
Rut he plided from our reach IL