Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-12-27
o. the Half-shall.

Carl Dunder. IL you yhas 10 be kilt by
a butcher cart or ice wagon, or some
shteampoat plnw YOU oop on der river.
| vhas left nit no money. Why doan'
YOU pc insured mis- your life:'
''Vhell, thinks about dota good deal
1t vhas my duty dot my vhife und Katie
doan' go nit der poor house if can
help it, und | tink it vhaS pest to get
some insurance. sphcak to nv frendt,
Shon Places, about il, und Shon he
SAYS:
"'Of course you yhant insurance.
You shall come into my lodge Of der
United Order of Half-shells. Dot vhas
an order which only costs ,ou one dol
lar a year, und If you die your family
puts ON sthyle nit der ten toIsand dol
lar iu greenpacks. l calls y meeting
right avhay init your saloon, und we
put you through like some streaks of
creased lightning
''Vhell, goes home and tells der old
vhomans und she saws dot vhas 0. X.
She doan' like to see me die, but if
some smallpox or yellow fever comes
tc Detroit und takes me avhay she likes
to haf long funeral procession und
build me grave-stone which reads dot
Carl Dundcr vhas goot husband,
kind fadder, und dot he has gone to
Heaven only leedle While pefore he
vhas ready. l shpeak to my daughter
Katie und she sheds some tears und
dells me dot she looks Us cute rs an
angel in some mourning gloze for me.
So it vhas all right und sweep out my
saloon und about twenty men come in
dot eafnings to make me Half-shell.
''Oxcuse me if vhas mad und use
some words like n pirate. My frendt.
Shon Places, vhas dere nit red cap
on his head und voice so solemn dot
feels shills 90 up my pack. He calls
der meetings to order und says like to
shoin und pecome q Half-shell.
"'Does he like peer??' asks some mans
in der CORNER.
"'He does, said Shon Places.
"'Und so do we! yells all der meet
ing, und Shon says vhas to come down
nit ter peer. Dot was nineteen glasses.
"Dcn Shon Places he reads from q
pook nit plue cover, dot man vhas
dying ebery day so fast dot YOU can't
count 'em, or somedings like dot, und
he calls oudt:
"'Vhat shall save dis man?'
"Und eaferybody yells lager peer"
Dot means set him oop again, und
dot vhas nineteen glasses more! Den
two men take me und vhalk me all
aroundt, und Shon Places he cries
out:
"'We vhas here to-day und gone to-
morrow! In der midnight, when eaf-
erybody vhas ashleep, 4 tief comes und
shteais our life away! What keeps dot
tief atar off,
''Uud eaferybody groans out like he
vhas dying! Cool lager!' Dot means l
vhas to set 'em oop again, uud dot vhas
nineteen glasses more. Den Shon
Places he leads me twice aroundt und
says:
"'Carl Dunder, you thinks you vhas
made Half-shell already, but you vas
mistaken. Put oudt your left hand!
Dot vas goot. Now, my frendt, What
vas der foundation stone of liberty,
equality und brotection?'
"Und eaferypody lifts oop his voice
und groans oudt: All der lager a man
vnauts' Dat means l vhas to tap a
fresh keg; und l pelieve dot crowd
drinks more as forty glasses. / doan'
like it SO previous like. didt, but my
frendt Shon Places tells me to lie down
on der table on my pack. und shut my
eyes. When l vhas in position he hit
me tree dimes nit his fist in der
stomach, und CRIES oudt:
"'Vnen he vhas alife he yhas kind
NIT der poor; when he vhas deadt we
forget his faults! Brudders. what vhas
der great principle dot leads to charity
und penevolence?'
''Und eafery body shumps to his feet,
und yclls oudt: Some more lager und
cigarsr Well. l set 'em oop once
more, und den l Ivhas so madt dot 1 take
my Club und clean dot crowd oudt NIT
der street. | pellet he vhas fraud on
me. Ipelief dot Shon Places tells all
der poys, und it vhas 4 put up shob. I
lose my peer und cigars, und somebody
carries off moro ash ten bottles of whisky
liuin p..t, ua, L f.'as no more 8
Half-snell us you are. If dot vhas some
way to insure me so dot my vhife und
Katie haf some. mourning goods und
puy me q gravestone NIT q lamb on top,
90 out of pollytics right AWAY. Ok
cuse me dot / she'd some tears, 'und
kick oafer der shairs und tables, for
| vhas malt like some cats on q gloze.
| line ~ Detroit Free Press.