The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1883-06-02
The Presidents Nose. /.

AScA~SA-S0
Probably the most trying experience
President Arthur has had since he filed
the executive chair was in entertaining a
delegation from Boston temperance al
lance, on his return from Florida. The
delegation consisted of half a dozen
dried-up men, with blue spectacles and
umbrellas, and several ancient females
who looked as though they never could
endure man who touched or tasted any
intoxicating beverage. They had an ap-
pointment to meet the president, to talk
with him about the cause of temperance,
which was dear to their hearts. He was
just back from his fishing excursion, and
as he put some cold cream on place on.
his nose where the skin had come off,
preparatory to going into the blue room
to meet the delegation, his servant said
to him:
''Mr. President, I had rather you
woaa meet any other delegation on earth
than this temperance. crowd. They have
come to size you up and see if the re.
ports that you steam it too much are
true, and your nose and face is a dead
give away. None of the delegation prob
ably ever went fishing and it will hard to
convince them that the blisters and sun
burn is not the result of looking upon
the wine. Now, the first thing you do
when you meet them, you apologize for
your appearance and talk about fishing
in the sun, and all that"
The president felt little nervous, but
after throwing his cigar stub away, he
went into the room where the delegation
was, looking like boiled lobster. The
delegation was drawn up in line, and
every eye was upon his nose. The leader
made few remarks upon the object of
their visit. and while he was speaking,
the women looked at each other as much
as to say: 81 told you so, What dis
gusting exhibition" etc., and the presi-
dent blushed until you could touch
match to his face anywhere. When the
leader had concluded, the president
said:
Ladies and gentlemen, glad as I am
to see SO distinguished a party, must
apologize for my appearance. The fact
of 1t is, few of us have been indulging
in little"
Don't apologize, Mr.. President, said
vinegarfaced female. We can read
lily take in the situation by your face. It
is duty we owe to ourselves and the
country to reason with you. Strong
drink is the bane of our land. O, why,
why will men put serpent in their
mouths to steal away"
"But, excuse me, madam" said the
president, interrupting the female, "you
are mistaken. The direct cause of this
sanguinary appearance of my face and
nose is owing to little recreation" and
he rubbed his nose with his finger to see
if any more skin was loose. "ChandIer
and a lot of US who had been bottled up
here for many months decided to imbibe
little of TIL
ST beg pardon" said one of the blue
nosed gentlemen, sswe do not care for
any confession as to what you and
Chandler imbibed. We feel that a few
words from US can do no harm, and
while it may seem out of place for pri
vate citizens to advise chief magistrate,
our position as temperance people makes
us bold to ask you to Danish the winecup
from your table, and set an example that
can be safely followed by the youth of
the land"
During the talk of the bluenosed man
the president swallowed bit of tobacco
that had remained in his mouth from his
cigar, and began to hiccough. You
know how q little tobacco will some
times cause man to act as though he
was full. The president would almost
have given his right hand if the tobacco
had been in hades instead of down his
neck, for he could see at the first "hic"
that every eye in the delegation was on
him, and all believed he was drunk.
His face flushed, and he was more en-
barrassed than he had ever been before
in his life. He looked around for some
one to help him out, but he was alone.
except the temperance delegation. Put
ting his hand over his mouth to hide the
that the wicked tobacco had
caused, he said:
I'm bibing desire to go fishing, Mr..
Chandler and myself visited Florida, and
for several days we were exposed to the
and became sunburnt, and YOU
(hic) misconstrue my appearance to be
the result Of (hic) drink. This hiccough |
is the result OF swallowing bit of to- |
bacco. and is unfortunate in coming at |
this time. I will weigh we'll what you
have said, and now I bid you (hic) good |
lay, and the president bowed and re- |
tired, while the delegation looked about |
,he room, said to each other that they
lad witnessed sight that would cause
'he stoutest heart to quail, and they
vent out of the White House sick at /
leart. James" said the president to
ais servant, when he got to his room. /
go to DR.. Bliss and tell him I almost
wish were dead, and I want HIM to
,ome and attend me. Tell him to bring
something that will cure sunburn and |
olisters on the nose at once, or I an
mined man. and as James went out
.fter the doctor the president saturated q
in some cooling liquid and |
aid it over his face, and lay upon a
OUNCE and dreamed of the Florida fish
md how like blazes they bit, and how
he mosquitoes got in their work; and as |
le dozed off into the land of dreams he I
could see the air full of female temper
ance reformers with blue spectacles and |
Umbrellas, and he thought how a good |
nan is sometimes misunderstood Mil
yankee Sun.