Middletown transcript., 1883-11-30
The Mumps.

One Of the early autumn arrivals at
Middletown was that disease familiarity
called the mumps, and it is here yet. 1t
seems to be holding on and enjoying
itself as if it likes the place and its people
mighty well, and were bound to have
good time and make things howl while it
fingers. This disease has been known
since the remotest antiquity. Cain was
the first sufferer and it was always mys-
terv to his mother where he caught 1t.
Instead of being drowned out in the Hood,
the mumps broke out in the ark before
Noah had been on the water three days,
and there was plenty left for seed when
the ark landed. 1t will be very wet
day when the mumps gets left. Antiquity
would have lost none of our good opinion
ifit had not handed the mumps down to
us. Really, we could think great deal
better of Old Antiquity if he had left the
mumps on his mantle shelf. You don't
have the mumps but once, if you have
full set, and, the fact is, nobody but fool
would want the disease twice. That
is enough. It is a funny disease-to
the nerson vino had it about twenty TIRE
wears ago. 1t comes to you stealthily, like
a thief in the night, and hits you under
the ear. 1t spares you not on account OF
age, sex or previous condition Of servitude.
It may seemingly neglect you for years
and wears, but one day when you are not
thinking about it, it will take you by the
law, and you will know right away what
has hold of you. Without consulting a
dictionary or cyclopedia you will know
yery we'll what is still so gentle o'er you
stealing, and you will probably be mad. 10
one, the mumps may come on the install
ment plan and give him bay window
onlv on one jaw, and years afterward,
when he is going on down through
life in fancied security, and has a
family and a bald head, he may get
the rest Of the set. Another may be
hit under both jaws at one and the
same time and have bay window
grow out from beneath each ear. That
is full set of mumps. A full set is
better than part Of set because then your
laws seem to be mates. The equilibrium
Of your head is preserved, and your friends
do not make such funny jokes about you
This interesting disease comes to you very
suddenly but stays by you long enough
to give you time to study it and make re-
marks about it. You will feel at first as u
somebody had hit you under the ear with
a baseball bat. Then, in due course Of Tune
YOU will have a parotid gland or two, as
the case may be, as big as prize turnip
at a county fair, and strong desire tc
assassinate the man who laughs at you
There is no joke in the mumps, to the per
son who has either full set or only half
set. To him the disease is solemn
reality, or realities, as the case may be. "A
man with the mumps may smile oc
casionally but his smile will lack tina
depth and breadth which characterizes th'
smile ofthe truly happy man. II VIII no
be the style of smile the angels wear l
will be more after the fashion OF the smil'
Won wore the last time you shut the iron
gate on your thumb. 1t will an empty
hollow. deceitful, cheerless, dull, insipid
ghostly smile. A few days ago the diseas
OF which we write came into the TRAN
SCRIPT Office. Perhaps it wanted a notice
At anv rate, it came in and marked tn
man at the editorial desk for its victim
Without even the formality of an intro
duction it hit him clap under both ears
It did it in a sudden, sauey sort OF way, a
if it would like to say, il it only could
CHOW do you like that? You've beel
Dragging around that you never made m
} acquaintance; that you weren't afraid
+ me: and you've been laughing at othe
folks with head like prize pumpkin
, Now you are going to know how it feel
: Yourself You want something to writ
s about, maybe; tell your readers how
o feels to have the mumps." The man
! the editorial desk bought bottle OF lin;
|. ment and went sadly home. AT Tn
writing he has beautiful bay Wlndo,
d nnder each ear. He does not open d
g mouth as wide as ne was wont TO oo'
9 reioiceth not a great deal. Last nlghG D
dreamed that a mouse colored mule ma
D Kicked him under the ear, and later
l. that total stranger, who looked IKE
= had man. was trying to lift out two OF
: bacl teeth with a crow-bar. He did M
d eat % any Thanksgiving turkey. yesterdta.
!, He dinad on oatmeal mush, ana u
g oasnaI observer would not have marke
him down for very thankful person.