National Republican., 1883-08-15


Owhere where can he beH
lbe nope OF my life is hidden in gloom,
And the day is frlgid for me.
--Net0 Fork Commercial.
The Vanderbilt Interviews" are the most
elaborately finished articles of the kind that ape
pear In the American press. Mr.. Chauncey NJ.
Depew is the architect
WE'LL, by tunder," yelled the Dutch farm
hand, as he picked himself out of a heap of briars
'dot vas de asht dime eIer give shnuff 10 a pull
init sooch an AWFUL demper."-The (M " Dairy.
BEFORE cutting mans head of in China
the authorities considerably make him drunk
In this country they considerably make him
drunk before putting head on him Yonkers
Gazette.
~ NEED have no more fears from that
quarter" is what the storekeeper remarked AS he
threw the counterfeit twenty-five cent piece in
the fire which had come back to him several
tim sc Currency.
JUSTICE in Minnesota sometimes operates
qucerly. man at Mcpherson bought a revolver
and was going to kill his family His wife took
the weapon from bin and gave him licking,
aud county justice fined her s25 for IT..
AN elevated railway locomotive dropped
hot Goals on Il horse, and the horse hurt boy. 1t
has cost the road $1,000, in spite of the claim Of
the railway in court that the owner of the horse
ought TO pay damages for not having horse that
would stand still when hot Goals lell on him.
A PATIENT who was suffering from severe
illness was advised by his physician to stake
something" So he took dose of medicine.
Most people under such circumstances would
have taken watch, or something like that, but
this man was too sick to be funny.--Rochesier
Po0t. Express.
MY feet are hurting me very badly" said
an Arknnsaw colonel /" "and believe that I'll 70
out to Hot Springs and see if the water won't help
them" "Hot water Will undoubtedly y help them"
replied cynic, land think that even coldwaer
with liberal allowance of soap would materially
benefit them."- Traveller.
A RooKLAND minister gave his hay on his
premises to non-church-going neighbor.
Judge of the parsons horror ON starting out f r
church on Sunday morning at seeing the neigh
Dor diligently making hay while the sun shone
in the minister's yard. The reverend gentleman
gasped once or twice aud shot toward the meeting
| house.-Portldnd Press.
RUMoR comes from across the water that
| the Salvation Army is contemplating crusade
upon the city of Rome the very habitatlon of the
Scarlet Woman Moi. Gen. Booth is said TO be
| fired with the ambition to convert the pope him
self. MSr CapePs alleged designs upon Jay
Gould are frivolous in comparison with the gravity
| of Gen. Booths fororn hope.
THE amenities of journalism have perme-
ated the air around about Brule, If we may Judge
by the following from the Indec of recent date:
"Shagnasty John, the harmless crank who pre-
tends to edit sckly, half fed little sheet of paper
called the Chamberlain Register, again gave vent
to his wrath at the ader in the last issue of the
| Cha mberlain Townsite Co.'s handbill."
MARY ANDERSON will begin her London ems
gagement Sept. as PGrthenia in "Ingomar" An
| Enp 1sut xs-siNA ta l.. "A
reason why she should not be most attractive and
achieve the position In England that she occupies
in the United States. We have no tragedenne on
| the English stage who can approach her either in
| talent or beauty"
"OH, Mr.. Flat" said little Miss Sharpe at
| musicale the other evening, after 500 con-
| tralo had finished her little squeal, az thought
you said Miss Hornblower could sing like bird "
80 she can, Miss Sharpe, so she can," rcpli, q
| Flat, pulling his yellow bandana from his pocket
and getting down close TO his companions ear
"she sings like an owl-dont you see?"-Yoa ers
Salesman
SAID Deacon Rich: "They found bottle
of whisky in the carriage in which Deacon Hogg
and rode TO the funeral, did they? And does
| HoSg try to tuck the ownership of ii off on me
and say 1t fell out of my pocket? I'll publish O
| card in the paper denying all knowledge of H..
| En-? He claims 1t and wants 1t given up 10 him?
Dy JONG, nc nave IL! III ~ ii leCSS-
sary."-Bosion Post.
AN attractive lie is telegraphed from the
west this mornng--a fall of hail stones in Iowa
| five feet deep. The operator probably meant to
say five feet in diameter. We frequently have
| hail stones five or ten feet in diameter in this
| neighborhood, but never more than two or three
feet deep. There has been so much lying by tele-
&c pin during the strike that the wires can't speak
tIe truth any more apparently.
TUDUc, the late emperor of Anam, always
had twenty courses at dinner. Among other
| strange food served up at his table were the
humps of camels, the fins of sharks, varieties of
snais, and species of red worms. The latter are
eaten alive. His fayorite de.icacy, however, was
roasted monkey. That comes pretty near canni-
balism, because men who can cat snails red
worms, and monkeys must be comparatively
recent oflshoot of the original simiam stock.
A BERLIN dispatch says: "No ministers
will be present at the interview between the en-
peror Of Germany and the emperor of Austria at
fschl Aug. T." That's IL, the world over. Don't
mix your religion with your business. What do
you say? Doesn't mean that kind of ministers?
Well, what of it? Can't a fellow say a smart thing
without being called to account for every word he
uses? Ayast there! What do you know about
ministers, anyhow? Away with you.-Boaion
Transcript
WHAT do they have that fish up there
for?" asked the visitor ut the State house. looking
at the ancient cod which hangs from the ceiling
of the house chamber. "Irs an old superstition"
replied the Boston man, that the fish has sort
OF repressive influence over the Legislators" And
yet" suggested the visitor "if am not mistaken,
all of your laws cod-defed." The Boston man
fell into swoon Rod when he came to he prom.
ised never to try ogull a countryman again.
Boston Transcript
"Is THE man mad" "No, the man is not
mad" "Then, what makes him yell so?" "He
is talking TO man mile away" Through that
little instrument" "Yes, through til at instru.
ment Of torture called telephone" "Wil he
make the man mile away hearY' Certainly
he will But he could do 1t just as easily by yell.
ing out of "a window" Why? Does not the tele.
phone work?' "No, It does not work. The man
using the telephone works. Jot that down in your
mem. ."-HdrJOrd Post.
GOAT herder on one of the great stock
ranches In Colorado drove about 700 goats to
water in the liver, and while they were drinking
just below bend in the sIresn-,a mountain rise
came down like solid wall of water from ten To-
| fifteen feet high. On one side of the stream was
n perpendicular bluff and on the other gradual
incline, but before the active goats could get ous
of the way 200 of the 700 we're drowned, and the
herder only escaped by swinging himself into a
tree, where he was compelled 10 remain on his
| march for hours. when the river went