Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1883-07-17
The Old and the New.
HE WANTED A NOVEL WITH THE OLD
HEALTHY TONE


HEALTHY TONE.
''Slnce my eyes gave out" remarked the
old man sadly, as he scrutinized the books
on the reviewers table, ''since myeyes gave
out l haven't been able to do any readir'
and I've lost the run of the present style of
novel. Are there much different than thew
were when l was a boy?"
"They haven't changed any, replied the
reviewer kindly. II should say they were
the same now they were twenty years ago."
''Does the pretty girl say 'Alphonze, 1
love but theep and fall on her knees and
pray high heaven to spare him when he
jumps overheard to rescue her hated rival
from shark? I used to get right up and
turn around when I came to that part
Have they altered it in any way?''
THAT IS the point on which the last novel
turned, murmured the reviewer. sOnly
1t wasn't shark. He saves the hated ri
val when she is threatened by an alligator.
They go mostly ON Indians lately"
"That's itr' exclaimed the old man, with
glistening eyes. ''The same old business.
The brave trapper says, Back to thy wig
wan, savage, or by the settin' sun 1 had
slew thee with these hands, ere thou hadst
laid imp:ous touch upon the pale daughter
of the white FACET and then the Indian
skedaddles out and setssupjobs on the girls
young lover. Oh, Pm onto all that style.
When l used to read these things wanted
to cover myself over with red paint and
tear the hair out ofthe plaster on the walls
"And the Indians catch the girl, and the
young lover crawls up thenight before they
are going to burn her at the stake and cuts
the ropes and puts her on the neck of DO
ny, springs up behind her and, with a de-
moniac laugh, speeds away TO his mountain
fastness. That's the idea!' and the review
er, who had imbibed the old mans enthu-
siam, rubbed his hands and forgot his debts.
81 don't see how them writers think of
all these things" pondered the old man.
''Then there was the fellow who used to
defy the millionaire father and run away
with the girl and getmarried in his overalls
Do you ever hear how he made out to get
another job?
'He's just the same he was when you were
boy. The only difference is he makes a
fortune in Wall street now, and then takes
the father as junior partner in some scheme
that lands them both in a jail, and the girl
elopes with an actor"
"Of course, you've got to expect some
improvement as you grow older,'' conceded
the old man, with q sigh. ''The world
don't stand still. How about the murderer,
nowadays? Does the younger man with
the broad shoulders take him by the neck
and say, Hound, thou hast forfeited thy
dastardly life, but in the light of the happi
ness that dawned upon me through the
miscarriage of thy machination. let thee
gop And then, does the murderer stink
away and fall into the water as he crosses
the canal? That's another thing that used
to trip me every rattle. I've seen the time
have bored a hole in the cellar floor with
the top of my head over that business" :"
"He's the same old murderer" replied
the reviewer. ''There hasn't been any
change in him, except that once in while
he turns out to be an Irish informer, is paid
for his testimony, gets drunk on the profits,
and dies of delirium tremens."
'That's new death for him." remarked
the old man. ''But l suppose they got
stuck for something fresh once in a while
and have to keep up with the demands of
the times. How about the bank president
who woulden't forgive his daughter when
she ran away with the honest young pirate ?"
''By the way, there is something new
about himl' exclaimed the reviewer
''They used to make him die of apoplexy,
but under the new laws they have the cashier
default and take away all the old mans
property to pay the depositors. Then the
pirate brings out lot of gold cups and
starts the old man il another bank, and
| they all get rich together
81 don't think that's as good asthe other"
complained the old man, shaking his head,
| "Apoplexy was more shure, and it didn't
give him chance to default on the unsus-
pectin' pirate.
"That's so," admitted the reviewer.
"Then there was the young girl what
took in sewin' rather'n marry the old gen.
tleman with the gout. Is she gittin' pretty
stiddy work all the time now or does she
marry the objec' of her choice ?''
''Oh, that's all been calcimiued and white
washed, retorted the interviewer. 'tNow,
she is taken with diphtheria and dies in the
young mans arms.
"Thank God I've lost my eyesightr' ejac-
ulated the old man, fervently. E'Not any
of that onto my plate, please. Why, sir,
I've enjoyed that young girl making shirts,
for cent apiece, until my handkerchiefs
gave out. And then her bein' insulted by
her employers son until she had to give up
that store and peg shoes, where she was
found by the distracted lover and married
by a justice of the peace and taken to his
| elegant brown stone mansion. Have they
busted all that up?
81 havn't seen anything of it lately" re-
piled the reviewer.
''Then l don't want any more novels in
my soupr' growled the old man, outraged
beyond description. They've spoiled the
whole business! jest banked on that girl,
and if what you tell me is all so, none of
my children read any more novels until
they get back to the old healthy toner' and
the old man stalked out to raise row at
home and put down novel reading until
the heroine should get back to the shirt
| trade.-Brooklyn Eagle.