News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-08-23
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER THIS WEEK.
Good BUsiness-The-Hcnv Intcrest.-HC
Was TheTe-The First Victim-NIa gnuni-
nous Mo cs, Etc. Etc.
MAGNANIAIOUS MOSES.

NIAGNANINIOUS MOSES.
Nose VarioIoid was up before th,
police court for abusing his wife-beat
ing her over the head kicking her on
of the house, accompanied by similar
other little playful eccentricities, at the
conclusion of which his wife fed to the
home of her parents, in another town
Moses was promptly fined $40 and costs
which he paid.
can now, your Honor" he said
pleadingly, would you min writin' a let,
ter to my wife %
"What shall say for yoa, ia -ss !'s..tt.s !'sz lea
your wife ?" inquired the Judge.
''You might say, sir, that if she will
come back to me all will be forgiven. >
Teros SJfings.
ABOUT THE ENGINE HOUSE.
The man who sits around at a fire-en-
CINE house is very little concernedin the
GREAT business whirl in which mankind is
turning. He has found his place of
pleasure and he intends to stay there.
| All he wants is dark pair Of trowsers
and a blue shirt ard chair with the
| hind legs a trife short. He does not
| belong to the fire department, but early
in the morning he leaves home hlTriedly
and rushes along the street as though a
most important piece of business needed
! his immediate attention. When he
reaches the engine house he takes his
chair, selects comfortable place and is
established until the sun makes him
move. He chews tobacco and spits at
flies and the engine house dog. He likes
| to talk about fires. and knows which en-
CINE threw the first water. When fire
alarm is sounded he bounces up, hustles
around and yeIls "hi hi yar' when the
engine leaves. Sometimes he rides to
the fire and proudly stands near the en-
CINE while the work is going on. When
he comes back he says "she did good
work, lemme tell you," and then throws
water on the engine wheels with q
hose.-Arkan8a1C Traveller.
CREME DE LA CREME.
"Dear me r' exclaimed city girl who
visited the dairy for the first time, "what
queer-looking stuff this is! 1t looks
Just like yellow paint. What is it %
"Why, that's cream on top Of the
milk, sis" said the dairyman.
els that SOP" she asked in astonish-
ment. ''Why, the cream I use always
comes in boxes and has a label, SO We
can tell what it is. "
The farmer sat right down on the
stone floor and famed himself with
milk pam The Dairy.
THE SAME OLD DODGE.
Clerk-"Mr. Sellem, here is gentle
men who cunc Ill 10 DuN Watcn.
What shall [ charge him for this one
which he has chosen? ?"
Mr.. Sellem-'Iet me see. Well, let
him have it for $50"
Clerk-"But he was recommended
here by our friend, Mr.. Anxious, who
told him we would put it way down for
him."
Mr.. Sellem-''Ah! That alters the
case. Tell him our regular price is 500
but seeing he is a friend of Mr.. Amicus's
we shall let him have it for 375. But tell
him to be careful and let nobody know
what he paid for it. We positively cannot
afford to sell them at that figure. Only
do it as an accommodation to Mr.. Ami
Gus, you know"
Gentleman pays the $75 and goes off
happy in the belief that he has made
big bargain. He esteems Mr.. Anxious
more dearly than ever.
So does that shOpkeeper. - Boston
transcript.
THE HEAVY INTEREST.
Last year the old man Hastings settled
down in a village on the other side OF
the Hudson to enjoy old age and lend
money at twelve per cent, but he has
closed out business, so, ar as the lend
ING goes. He lent $3.50 at u per cent.
per anuum for four months, and when
the note fell due and the man came to
pay it, Hastings was alone III the house.
He called up all his knowledge of arith-
metic. got out shingle and lead pen
Gil, and after figuring away for half an
hour without any satisfaction, he called
out to a man who was passing in
buggy:
"Hev. YOU! How do you figger -
per cent. interest ?"
81 take $40 off the capital, " shouted
the man, as he drove on.
The old man figured away on the new
theory, and by.and-by he wiped the
sweat off his brow and said:
"See here, Smith, this comes out
mighty queer You've had my money
four months at y per cent, and yet l
seem to owe you four dollars. Here
take your old note and give me $3.50,
and we'll call it square, and if 1 lend
anv more money round here I'll
bargain for a calf or a hog for the in
terest. and drive the blamed brute home
in advance. - IVaU Street NeacS.
! THE FIRST VICTIM.