The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-02-16

| Chicago editor and could never get
| within ten feet of him.
Speaking OF a lady who was forever
telling of her aches and pains said Fogo
II always enjoy her conversation. 1t is
| complete course of lectures on physi-
ology, and nothing to pay"
Every railroad built in this country
| is human piece of work, ;" said a Can
ada man. .'WhyP'' asked Il bystandcr
because they give people a better OPP
| portunity of getting cut OF the place"
Enquirer Yes. Il man not jus
ticeof the peace can administer an oath
| We accidentally stuck a corner of our
| umbrella in Il mans eye. tn. other day,
and he administered several oaths to us;
| but he wasn't Il justice OF the peace"
HE cometh not" she said, and she
was quite right; he didn't arrive. His
| intentions were all right; but they failed
| to successfully combat the bulldog that
| was screened in the mo0n-kissed shrub
berry.
A good-looking girl, whose lover
asked her i'll the tenderest tones why il
was that she was SO magnetic, explained
| the phenomenon by informing him that
her mother and father were both tele-
graph operators.
II do wish you would come home
earlier" said a woman to her hus-
band. 81 am afraid to stay alone. l
always imagine that there's somebody
in the house: but whcn you come !
know there amt
Poor fellow! he died III poverty
said n man of a person lately deceased.
That int anything!' exclaimed Il
seedy by stander. ''D5 ing in poverty is
no hardship; its living in poverty that
puts the thumbscrews on a fellow
your husband is a staid man now, is
he rot?" asked Il former schooinIate of
her friend who had married mar
acted for his fast habits 81 think so,
was the reply, ''he stayed out all las
night"
Prince Bismarck keeps a diary. The
first entry on Jan. /, reads: Il have re-
solved to drink not more than sixty
glasses of soul-destroying beer a day
curing the present year" p. S.-Save
on Schuetzenfest days.
81 am trying to break myself of slang
phrases" said the Centralville girl,
sand have been for some time: bu:
actually, I used the word racket to
day before thought, and I'm so asham-
ed of myself. You won't give it away,
will you?''
When Mr.. Snaggs wants peace and
quiet of an evening, while he sits and
thinks, he says to his wife: Now, my
dear. talk to me, and amuse mer' And
the blessed old dame at once loses all
capacity for thinking of anything to
say, and never opens her condemned
head.
A Scotchman, having hired himself
to farmer, had cheese set down be-
fore him, that he might help himself
After some time the master said to him,
SANDY, you take long time to break
fast" lin troth, MASTER" said Sandy,
"a cheese o. this size is nae sac soon
eaten as We may think"
An old bachelor, who wanted to in
gratiate himself with rich widow, pre-
scented her with lap-dog, saying: Il
have trained him SO perfectly that he
will eat off your hand.' Eat of nv
hand?" exclaimed the widow. Il don't
want my hand eaten off; and you
needn't think of getting it in that way"
An Irishman who had been contend
ing that a mule was nobler animal
than horse, said that a mule had once
saved him from drowning. .'How was
that, Paddy?n asked one of the bystard-
ers. Faith, he gave me such a lick
wild his hind leg that he landed me on
the other side of the canawl instid of
in it. !"
1t was the last act of a new comedy,
and the house. half empty at the start,
was nearly deserted, only few dead
heads remaining The curtain went up
and the leading man began with his
line, care we alone?' The utility man
glanced over the auditorium and an
swered, in tragic tones. 1--WE are"' For
the first and the last time the audience
laughed.
Il think said a vegetarian, once, in
''that when a man lives
on beef he becomes something like an
OK; if he eats mutton he begins to look
sheepish; and if he eats pork, may he
not grow to be swinish?' That may
be- said his friend; '.but when a man
lives on nothing but vegetables, think
be is apt to be pretty small potatoes"
gentleman at a party the other
evening. seeing some wax fall from a 1
on that part of lady's dress,
who sat next to him, not great way
from her bosom, Immediately took out
ais watch and clapped one of the seals
lpon it. .tBiess me, SIR said the lady,
swlrat are you doing?p Only trying
C make an impression on you, madam"
he replied.
Mrs. Peter Schinsky.is one of those
aides who take much better care of
heir animal pets than they do of their
children. She has got pet poodle by
he name of Fido. Yesterday, Mrs.
little boy, Bob, asked his
mother: shall give Fido this piece of
IlraT ba IL haefripr IN |