The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-03-29
WIT AND HUMOR.

of 20, is said to be the most learned
woman in the world. She can read and
write in twelve languages. Fortunately,
she is not married.
1t was Persian philosopher who,
when asked why he nan ed his son John
Henry, answered that it was to show his
sex ahd prevent anyone calling him
Nancy. There are fathers in this coun-
try who should have thought of that.
Harvard issues this wear a prospectus
for veterinary school to open in 1888.
1t is to give a three We rs course of in
struction. 1t is hoped that in a few
years there will be enough veterinarians
on hand to keep the baseball players Of
the school in trim for recitations.
Home from the seaside: Il suppose
you have settled down to quite your old
home life again, ehP" suggested Fitzjoy
to his neighbor Yes, pretty much;
but *he family brought back little too
much seabreeze with them. They are
blowing about something all the time.
T ain't voted in eight years, an l
didn't see no fun in it, - remarked col
ored citizen. Use got no edycashun
vote for a man for sheriff ter day an ter
dunno nothin' bout votin' an Ise gwyne
ter stay at home an work -
A lady writes to aCincinnati paper to
find out how long person must reside
in Ohio before she can get married.
We don't know how il is in Ohio, but if
the young lady be of marriageable age
and can furnish the bridegroom, she
can get married within ten minutes after
har arrival in RrooE1vp
Mistress (who has long suspected her
servant of having a follower, and thinks
she has caught her at lasD: MARY,
your master wishes to know the mean
ing of these large fOotmarks; can you
sisters been here, and she has got the
gout so bad she has to wear big boots. "
Beauty's blunder: Have you no love
for the beautiful, then?' queried she, in
winsome tones. ''N-n-o; but l think l
should have if 1 only dared Have
courage, young man" ''Oh, l wasn't
thinking of you at all. I" But she
hustled out of the room, hating herself
for having sprung the trap too soon.
A supposed panther, which had been
roaming over a good share of Connect
icut and Massachusetts for three
months, was trapped the other night
and proved to be a dog without grit
enough to show his teeth at a man with
a club. Sparkling has been promptly
resumed.
A number of young women in upper
East Tennessee have announced as their
motto, through tire Blountsville STIR:
Total abstinence or no husbands. - 1t
is sad to think that these young women
have looked so much into the wine when
it is red in the cup that their matrimo-
NAL prospects are marred.
Some philosopher and scientist makes
the startling announcement that Adam
was seven feet high. Well, what of it?
Adam never experienced the pleasure
and S25 week of travelling with fat
woman, some pink-eyed children and
hand-organ, the way the men of the
present day do who have attained the
height of seven feet.
Ballooning has become so popular in
Vienna that the Municipal Council have
deemed it advisable to pass a law: That
all married men desirous of taking
aerial voyages shall not be granted Ii
cense until it has been proved to the
satisfaction of the authorities that they
have received the consent of their
wives Some things are easy to prove.
Fitz-Adolphus Jones is young man
of free manners. He took the liberty
the other day of telling his pretty cousin
Leila, in the presence of her awful
mamma, that she was "a pearl of
girl. To which the mamma responded
with dignity: You forget, sir, that YOU
are addressing the child of my bosom!''
Viewed from that. point, it was sort of
a half-shell compliment
Frank Frayne, the actor whose reck-
less shooting caused the deatho of a young
lady on the stage "A few weeks ago, mar
rowly escaped with his life, in an en-
counter with the l'nn.. ust! in conn"s-
ton with his new play That Fray nc
will fool around until he finds something
worse than rifle or roaring lion, ANA
his career viii be nippcd in the bud. 1t
IS only a question of time ion him
Not long since Lily, .;itle girl OF 5
years, after saying her cv'l ling prayers,
began to indulge in an original petition
of her own, varying it according to her
moods. She was aware :aat She had
not been particularly good on certain
day, and her evening prayers were thus
supplemented: II pray the Lord to
make Lily good little girl, and if at
first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Mrs. Lydia Maria Child and her hus-
band lived for IA quarter of century
without servant in their pleasant
home in Wayland, Mass. Once, when
be said to her, Il wish for your sake,
dear, was as rich IS Cr9sIs,' she re
piled: "You are Crmsus, for YOU are
king of Lydia. This is the poetic way
of telling which had to get up and start
the fire.
You may talk about your mean
men, said one rustic to another on the
ferry-boat The other day, ..but we've
got q woman over there in Alameda
who beats all. Kinder close she?"
CLOSE? Why, last month her husband
2ied-fourth husband, mind-and I'm
blamed if she didn't take the door-plata
off the front door, had his age added.
and then nailed ii onto his coffin. Said
she guessed likely she'd be wanting q
new n,.me on the door soon anyway"
A street railroad convention has re-
Gently been held in Boston. 1t was not
decided whether conductors should con-
tinue to gaze at the blue vault of heaven
when "a man is Fastening along through
mud two feet deep to catch the car.
But the conclusion was arrived at that
under no circumstances should car
carry more than 141 passengers at the
same time, or stop for anyone TO get off
unless the track was blocked bya freight
car.
Thousands of the sick and poor of
New York f.ifv ara elIrpiad with cura