The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-05-04
WIT AND HUMoR.

IfAtt the vacuum D0ck OF his weiEDangea DfOW
For his air serene and his well-cut coat,
Are the sails which move his social boat,
And the wind blows low or wind blows high,
A dude he lives, and adude hef die!
We have had the stone age, the
bronze age and the iron age. The pres
ent appears to he the dynamite age.
Birds of feather make the money
fly when it comes to women's head
gear.
A wise young husband won't try to
humbug his mother-in-law more than
| once.
The new Beg of Tunis is deaf and
shortsighted. Lucky man. He has 800
wives.
The question which excites the driv-
| ers OF public carriages: docs hack or
a coupe best?''
The greatest talker in existence
could not talk long enough to tire.
wagon wheel.
Miss Brown married Mr.. Sorrow the
other day. 1t is supposed that their
| children will be twins, for you know
that sorrows never come singly.-G'5t.
A Boston clothing house advertises
that its Spring overcoats are ''made
upon honor. tastefully trimmed, and ell
egantly finished" "
According to botany-or perhaps it's
natural listory-there is such bird as
the horned lark. How many horns
does it take to make a lark? ?"- Check.
A young man never feels SO utterly
insignificant, cheap, and useless as when
his wife has gone out shopping and for
the first time left him to look after the
baby.
Compared with the San Francisco
broker, Mr. joaquin Miller, poet, says
that the New York broker is dog. 1t
might be to Mr.. Miller's advantage to
get vaccinated for hydroPhobia.
The young man who passes the fore
part of the evening showing his best
girl the Big Dipper, should not stop on
his way home and examine small glass
tumbler.- Check
Talk about truthful woman!' said
an Arkansas man. My wife took the
/ lead. Why, sir, some time ago she said
that she wouldn't live three weeks
longer. and blamed if she did. p-Ar-
k1aaSa1c TrGUeler.
Blue horse, a Sioux Indian in the Pine
Ridge Agency in Dakota, says that he
t is .'going in the white mans ways.
1t cannot be that he has become a bank
cashier, and is about to abscond. Roch-
e ester Democrat.
5 An Elmira man has contracted to sup
l ply an eastern firm with 100000
e broom-handes. And yet it is necessary
4 to introduce the whipping-post in sew
eral States for the punishment of wife
beaterS.
An item is going the rounds to the eff
feet that Don Jose de Salamanca, the
r famous Spanish banker, once gave s
: dinner that cost $50, 900. He must
e have put diamonds in the hash instead
J. of the customary cobble-stones. De
!. troit chat.
f At a wood-cutting contest in Mckear
II county, Pa, few days ago, two womer
d won the first prize for cross-cut saving
e There are probably few divorces il
d PENNSYLVANIA. A great deal can b'
e overlooked in a wife who can saw al
e the wood.
}, A Young lady was recently asked by
o her gallant what she considered tn
IS height of impudence. Looking archl,
; at him, she said: Spark agirl for three
IA solid hours and never offer to kiss her.
il 1t is needless to say that he IS not so I'M
|, pudent now.
d ..Woman's rightsr' exclaimed Phil
" adclphia man when the subject wa
ct broached. @sWhat more rights do the
If wantP Ny wife bosses me; our daugt
N ters boss us both, and the servan
Id rirl bosses the whole family. 1t
s time the men were allowed some rights.
as Heard in the suburbs: Good morn
At ino. Mr.. Blank Pa told me to brin
ne back YOUR snow-shovel which he bol
" rowed last Fall. and says he will /
at very much obliged if YOU will lend hii
st your spade and rake and wheelbarros
r lie saws he viii send the spade bae
IN time to borrow your lawn-mower'
rule Of the railway companies pr
m .mae vides that dogs shall not ride in passe
ny oer carriages, but big and feroclot
a. looking bulldog, appropriated who
m n0 seat. and rode 200 miles unmoleste
|'ff He had such meaning smile "
., the Guards apology for not eJecel
ed him.
nm Village postmaster to his wife lie
ir- is a postal-card to MIR. Jones sayli
aot shat his brother and five children W
49, he here ON Saturday Now, keep I'll
- card back till then, and / will be at t
:. depot; and when they find no one
'hc meet them | will take them all over
.tSs So
the kitty. DEAR cried the lover, as
sof vearned hungrily over the back ga
lyon are the sum total of my hear
. calculation, and though | hoped 70 e
by your addition, you set me at naus
- and leave me but to Sigh. just h
,ted the old man solved the arithmeti
ther harangae by footing him up the all
- - Boston Post.
A well known dry goods man OF t
onlv city advertised last week ''someth
entirely new in the flannels at
;nc house" During the week several
,siw his married lady customers have as
- him if it is boy or girl, and as the
g,ns gse goods man is an unmarried man.
Il. don't know how to answer Et'o
eilIe ArguS.
- A Georgia maiden became so inter
ed in a recent church wedding at t
Ply place that just as the clergyman
tting finished his list of questions to the br
she unconsciously took up the respe
- and answered, Il will'' in place OF
.H bride. This unexpected event
IL alyzed the minister and caused p
fuI silence in the audience.
Generosity itself: A man was qui
|. munching on piece of pie in sal
Friday morning when look OF dist
he suddenly displaced the serene exp
sion on his face. Taking sometl
from between his teeth, and Iookin
IH it, he cried to the waiter: ssHere,
'&4 there's. stone | found in this p
The waiter took it, glanced at it crit
w. ly, and, handing it back, briefly :
M stIt's no good to us: You can have
Hill Where he weakens;
uls We may live without love. and i've vii