Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-03-05

What is the difference between timid
child and shipwrecked sailor? One clings
to his ma, and the other to his spar.
A man writes to an editor for four dol
lars, "because he is so terribly Short
and gets in reply the heartless response:
"Do as do; stand up on chair"
A trile over forty per cent. of the men,
bers of the House attend its daily sessions.
1t will be seen that the country is sixty
per cent. better off than had been sup
posed.
An honest farmer, residing near a pop
ular summer resort, hauled five skunks
out of a hole in succession, and then filed
the hole with water and sold it for min
| eral water spring.
The reason that almanac makers pub
| lish nothing but stale jokes is explained.
| People get disgusted after reading one or
two OF them, and turn to the patent medi-
cine advertisements for relief.
| A man in Springfield, Mo-, being invit-
ed to drink, poured out glass of whis-
key, looked at it a moment, and then fell
dead. The coroner's jury brought in a
verdict of, "Suicide by procrastination.
There are 100000 grown people in
this country who can neither read nor
write, but when it comes to talking about
| the nonsense of our public school system,
they can make themselves heard half a
mile away.
An old sharp advertised, Bookkeeping
taught in one lesson; terms, ST." He got
a large class the first night, and when
they were seated and the dollars rushed
in he said 'sThe whole art of bookkeep-
ing hinges on three words-Never lend
them!"
snake home attractive if you want
your husband to stay at home," is the ad-
vice Il female philosopher gives her sex
Yes, by all means, make it attractive if
in order to do SO, you have to hire pret
ty servant girl. This has been known tC
cure a truant husband after all Other
means had failed
A famous cheese maker ordered pictures
of his product of Paris photographer
On seeing proof, which really was very
bad, he said: s'This won't do. Confount
you. My cheese never looked like that
"Ah, sir" said the photographer, ''bu
you see it moved"
In addressing a Denver Sunday-schoo
awhile ago, a speaker said to the boys
; always be kind to your little sisters
. Now, l never had a little sister, and
once tried to be kind to some other fel
e lows sister, but she had cruel father
o and he hurt me helping me off the from
steps,
A California editor eXtemporaneousl
expels the following paragraph from hi
system: IA patriotic gentleman in Lo
Angeles has lessened the government
expenditures ninety-six dollars per annum
e by marrying a soldiers widow and thu
q q stopping her pension. Let every unmal
ried patriot in the land initiate his exam
pie and rush to arms"
- At dinner party the little son of til
= host and hostess was allowed to com
\ down to dessert. Having had what hi
: mother considered sufficiency of frui
he was told that he could not have an
"a more, when to the surprise of every on
y present he exclaimed: IF you don't Civ
:. me some more, I'll telll' Whereupon
was suddenly and swiftly removed frol
E. the room, but he had just time to conyuls
n. the company by shouting: MY ne
IS trousers are made out of mas old BET
" room curtains -
D.
Ic Every one has n y IN and = mind 10 thiuE for hi,