New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-06-06
WIT AND HUM0R.

ABOUT MIS- Smith, her next-dOOr neigh
Dor. "Well,' she said, 81 am not the
one to speak i'll of anybody, but l feel
very sorry for Mr.. Smith,
Holmes New York dinner poem was
telegraphed West, and the line
Therefore scant the breathing courtesy"
was printed,
Therefore scent the breathing cookery"
Scotch minister: t'John, I'm afraid
you are on the broad road" Inebriated
parishioner: s'Weel, minister, as far
rs I'm concerned the breadth is a. re-
CURED"
The first passenger train passed over
the Pemigewasset Railroad a short
time since. If that word should ever
get upon the track there will be fear
full smash-up.
'Here, now,' said a mother to her
little boy, "take this good medicine.
It's sweet as sugar. mamma, 1 love
little BROTHER the boy replied, ssgiye it
to him. '-ArGu7as0a0 Traveller.
Il notice that Secretary Chandler
brought an American naval vessel safe
ly through a two-day's voyage. l shall
take my summer vacation this year with,
perfect confidence" Triton.
An Owen county Wy.) hen sat on fif-
teen eggs and brought out nineteen
chickens, says an exchange. The hen
must be a.shrewd one, or else there's a:
newly-hatchcd lie out.
A compositor who was puzzling over
one of Horace Greeley's manuscripts
sagely and savagely remarked: eff
Belshazzar had seen this handwriting
on the wall, he would have been more
terrified than he was"
In a lecture the other evening, Bob
Burdette said: "Speaking of the tele-
phone, one hundred years ago it would
have been thought an invention of the
devil-and / sometimes think it is
now.'
Posters for the annual goat show
are displayed in a great many windows.
Some of the goats must be very well
trained, for most of the pictures repre-
sent them sitting on q keg and drinking
cold tea from tllmbler
"What are you going to do when you
grow up if you don't know how to CT
pher?" asked teacher of slow boy
I'm going to be a school teacher and
make the boys do the ciphering,' was
the reply.
Omaha has q high-school Principal
who makes written contracts with the
boys to the effect that after being called
up certain number of times, they shall
be whipped; and he says the plan works
finely.
''There is" says the Boston Herald,
& a good deal of fitness in the selection
of Mr.. Evarts as the orator for New
York at the opening of the big bridge.
He can suspend sentence in the air
longer than any other man in America.
On the street: II understand that
you own q great many houses and small
farms in the suburbs eyes" ''Do
you live on any of themP' ''No."
''Then you don't raise anything?" ''Oh,
yes; every spring I raise rents.''
A German went to friend and said:
'sTo-morrow owe you $4,000. I am
ruined. I cannot pay it, and cannot
shlecp Wink" The creditor said: .'Vy
didn't you Wait to dell me tomorrow?
Now neither can shleep q vink.'
"What is q lady's sphere?" asked the
lady Principal of q public school on ex-
animation day. And little red-headed
.urchin in the corner squealed: "Micen
In the dreadful confusion that followed,
the freckled-faced tiend escaped.
They were boasting about ancestry
"My forefathers,' said John, ''came
over from England on the Mayhpwer."
''And my ancestry said Pat, ''kim over
from Quanestown on the Sunflower. It's
aesthetic, I am, begorra'' -LoweW Citi-
zen.
Mr.. George William Curtis, editor of
Ha1pe,''s Monthly, says that ''woman
will never reach her proper develop
ment until she ceases to be under the
dictation Of man. MI. Curtis seems
to have struck Il new variety Of fe-
males.
Two self-accused humorists of Ohio
have had a fight over the authorship of
the facetious phenomenon and laugh
jerking success, ''Who ever saw a tree
boX?' The bone of contention between
these two giant minds, evidently is not
their funny-bone.
The daughter of the Duke and Ouch
css OF Albany was baptized few days
ago with the name of 'sAlice Mary Vic
toria Augusta Pauline If Alice eats
homemade pie she may some time
have a dream nearly as long as her
name.
"Why,'' asked q governess Of her
little charge, ';do we pray to God to
give us our daily bread? Why don't
we ask for four or five days or a
week?" Because we want it fresh"
replied the ingenious child.
81 don't want no rubbish, no fine
sentiments, if you please said the
widow who was asked what kind of an
epitaph she desired for her late hus-
bands tombstone. ''Let it be short
and simple, something like this: will
jam Johnson, aged Is years. The good
die young. "
essay, Mrs. Bunson,' said a little girl
to lady visitor, edo you belong to a
brass band?' mo, my dear.'' Il
thought you did, "Why did you, my
child?" Because mamma said you
was always blowing your own horn,
and I thought you must belong to the
band. y Cincinnati Drummer.
A teacher defining a transitive verb
as one which expresses an action which
is ''passed over' from the doer, gave
for Illustration, 1.-THE dog wags his
tail" Whereupon youngster arose
with the criticism; 'sPlease, ma'am,
the action don't pass over; it stays in
the dog"
The other morning little boy who
was eating shad for his breakfast be-
came very much exasperated at the an
noyance the bones caused him, when he
yelled out: Mamma, why don't some
body make shads without splinters in
them? My throat feels as though it had
been sliding down q cellar door for a
month without stopping"
Many years ago quaint old divine
named DR.. Richards preached in Han
over, n. H. At conference Of minis
tiers once held in that town, each cler-
gyman was called upon to give some Of
his more remarkable experiences. =
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