Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-08-23
NEWS ITEMS.


be the dude.
It is after woman has emerged
from a saltwater bath that figures
don't lie.
The next time a man at Niagara at
tempts to shoot the rapids he will do
it with gun.
It is when a woman tries to whistle
that the great glory of her mouth is
seen without being very much heard.
''There's no place like home" re
peated Mr.. Henpeck, looking at a
motto, and he heartily added: I'm
glad there isn't
When Hamlet said, 'But [ have
that within which passeth show" it is
believed that he had in his pocket
a complimentary ticket to the cir
Gus
Fisherman-"Ge any sport in this
stream, PATTI" Indeed we do, sorr-
the hight O. sport, sorr; we always
throw the Bailitfs in there, sorr."
Teacher an you tell me when is
the olfactory organW Pupil frankly
answers. ''No, sir" Teacher-"Cor-
rect" Pupil goes off in a brown
study.
I meant to have told you of that
hole, " said a gentleman to his friend,
who, walking in his garden, stumbled
into pit of water. ''NO matter, "
said the friend, II have found it. p"
The last case of Incidence related is
that of q man named John Hole, who
was so lazy that, In writing his name,
he simply used the letter ''J' and then
punched a hole through the paper.
From the French. Before the Po-
lice Commissioner: ''IsidOre Ferblan
tine, this is the thirteenth time that
you have been arrested for theft. " ''Ah,
monsieur, it is so humiliating to beg!"
A London credit bootmaker has a
book in which he keeps the names of
all customers who pay up promptly.
He labels it outside 1.-THE Legion of
Honor" He has been in business
twenty years, and it is not half full
yet.
The Chinese have good war ships,
but the trouble is said to be that their
sailors leave them when they hear
that fighting is to be done. This shows
observation-disclosures on the part of the
sailors, but it is rather a disadvantage
to the Government.
A prominent physician says that
being suddenly walked up in the mid
die of the night is detrimental to
health Burglars will please remember
this, and considerably go quiet when
they are rummaging a house, so as not
to disturb the inmates.
''When Dame Fortune wants a man
she calls for him, " says the Whitehall
Times. And very often finds him not
at home. Nine times out of ten he is
down at the grocery-stOre sitting on
soap-boX, and telling what a cyclone
his grandfather was to cradle wheat.
Mr.. Bergh, the S. P. G. A. man,
says it is cruelty to animals to catch
fish with a hook. There wouldn't be
much fun in fishing if a man had to
dive under the water and hold chlOro-
form to fsh's nose until it became
unconscious, and then hit it on the
head with a hammer
Gentleman-''Ho can you afford
to sell these rifles for S.. They certain
ly can't be good for much They won't
stand much service, will they?" Dealer
They will last as long as the man
who fires them. What more would
you want?" Gentleman thinks. ''Sure
enough" and goes off without a
rifle.
The late Dean Stanley is said to
have rarely made a gesture when
preaching. One day after morning
service he asked his wife if she had
noticed the intensity with which the
congregation had gazed upon him
during the sermon. ''How could they
help it, my dear, +" said Lady Augusta,
when one of your gloves was on the
top of your head the whole time?"
The Dean having taken off his hat be-
fore entering the pulpit, the gloves
lying therein had fallen on his head
and as he stood quite still when preach
ing, there it remained.
Bowled First Ball-Algy Gust home
from school, and about to escort his
sister to a dance) -'By-the-b by, mother,
I've quits decided to 90 in for Sand
hurstw Mamma-''The army is such
a poor lookout, Algy. Suppose you
should want to marry some day!"
Algy-'Pooh! Marriage is awful
rot? [ shall never marryw Algy
(neXt morning after breakfast-'I
say, mother what an awfully jolly
girl Miss Bates is! / danced six times
with her!" Mamma-"Poor Cissy
Bates! Yes very nice girl, but very
badly off, fearm Algy-"Look here,
mother. I've quite decided to give up
the army and go into the governors
business!"
Miss Birdie McHennepin is one OF
the bellies of Austin, Tex, Her in
tellect, however, does not tower into
the sublime heights reached by Susan
B. Anthony, to use the cold Language
of truthfulness, she is very much the
same kind of a young lady as Gus de
Smith is young man. Not long
since he proposed matrimony He
proposed in good faith in a solemn
0oaOnop 11no11 which Micc