Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-08-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

Father to his from-the-university- back
returning son: '.Well, thou hast of
course, no debts?" Son: Three thou
sand marks" Father: ''What! 5000
marks?" Son: ''Well, art thou not
proud thy son a so great credit hath?"
The wife of Bell, the inventor of
the telephone, is deaf and dumb. Just
see what man can accomplish when
heaven has blessed him with the right
kind of wife.-Pitsbnrg Telegraph.
Some philanthropist has said that
man who truly loves horse cannot be
| wicked. He must be wrong, for Texas
| jails are full Of men who loved other
| people, horses not wisely, but too well.
''What're you doing with that cigar,
| you little rascal?" exclaimed 4 father.
addressing his son. Ma says that if [
hit tb cat again she'd make me smoke,
an | hit her again an am smokin'."
Higher education: 'NWhy did you
take your boy away from school?' ask
a teacher of and old negro. ''Wall. [
tell yer, | heard de white folk say dat
de niger was in need of higher eddy
cation, an sent my boy upon de hill"
Mamma, " inquired little Austin
boy, L like to live in Date" ''What
silly child you are; where is Date?" II
do not know, but the paper says that
| two thousand crates of peaches have
! been shipped to date. "-IeTas SjftingS.
A snow-white hen in Arkansas hatch
| ed out five black chickens and killed
every one of them after they had left
the shell. She didn't want the other
hens to eye her suspiciOusly and talk
about her.
A lady stopping at 4 hotel in Austria
! lia was bitten by a rat, and has sued the
proprietor of the hotel for $1,000 dam
ages. The bite was not severe, but her
fright was so great that her hair-hang-
ing on the back of a chair-turned gray
before morning. -N0TrlSt01011 Herald.
Il should be very much obliged if you
would give me puff" said the book
agent Us he entered a sanctum. with
pleasure" responded the editor, remOv-
ing q cigar from his mouth and offering
it to the visitor. Take two or three"
-Philade.r hia Ne10S.
Host Greatly in agony about his pol
ished inlaid tloor): ''Hadn'tyou better
come on the carpet, old fellow? I'm so
afraid you might slip, you know"
Guest with wooden leg): "Oh, it's
all right, old fellow-thanks! There's
nail in the end, you know"
An Irish paper calls the English Off
Gals ''reptiIes in office" That is doing
the reptile creation great injustice
Snakes only need feeding three times q
year, whereas the average official, no
matter where he is, takes his three
meals q day.-Ie1as SJlings.
SIS Mrs. Samuelson imp asked Mrs.
Beezumbee of the servant at the house
of the former on Austin Avenue. mo,
mum, she tOle me herself to tole YOU she
WASH in That's very kind in her.
Please tell Mrs. Samuelson that [ didn't
call this afternoon "-TeraS SJtjngs
A young gentleman was passing an
examination in physics. He was asked:
what planets were known to the an
cients?" "Well, sir" he responded,
''there were Venus and Jupiter, and
CATER pause) [ think the earth; but
I'm not quite certain. "-NOrJoJE Rec
ord.
A little Boston girl was encouraged
by her parents to study so much that
her brain gave way, and she is now an
idiot This is q sad result but the par
ents must find some consolation in the
thought that they have made their
daughter like themselves. SOnaerUiIie
Journal.
printers towel fell out of third
story window in New Jersey town the
other day, and cracked paving stone.
The crash was heard two blocks away,
and little bOv ran home with white
lips and trembling limbs, to tell his
mother that he saw ga negro man tum-
bic off the roof and explode his head. "
I-R0u12d Table.
A sporting paper says that certain
base ball player was filmed twenty-five
dollars for missing fly" Persons who
have watched the antics of bald-head-
ed man as he strikes aimlessly at q fly
will wonder how long the richest bald
headed mans purse would hold ii he
were obliged to pay twenty-five dollars
for miss.-Pecb'S San.
''Your son has just been knocked off
the railroad and killed." exclaimed a
man, approaching an Arkansas colonel.
"Who knocked him off?'' eXcitedly de-
manded the colonel. "A railroad en-
gine.'' WELL that begins to explain
matters, for | knew devillsh well he
wasn't knocked off by an ordinary man.
He was one ofthe boys, let me tell YOU"
i-ArkanS03U TraUeler.
sPa, dear, we are going to Saratoga
this summer, are we not? The Nc
GIorys are going" Saratoga! Huh!
If business don't pick up we shall go
into bankruptcy. That won't be much
of a summer resort" but pa, dear,
the McGlorys went into bankruptcy last
wear. and that's Just why they 60 to
Saratoga this Maybe, maybe. But
my consciencer' ''Oh, now, pa, what's
the use of conscience"
Think of the future, Lizzie; what
have you to expect?" That's just
what have been doing, thinking OF the
future, and I expect l shall have to skip
off some afternoon with Jim, get mar
ried, and say nothing to anyone until
4 - II Il f,+h