Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1883-09-06
Naasrpns Aeparta1eat.

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his figures. After a lapse of five minutes
he said without looking up:
'sIf you're a drummer, I don't want to
see you, so don't waste time here"
'But, Pm not drummer, - was the reply.
''What are you, them" inquired the re-
taller.
"I am an ambassador of commerce." an
swered the salesman, nothing damted. =,
"Ambassador Of what? Well, l can't
talk with you." ~
'sIf, you only knew it, there's man in
one of the leading institutions in Hartford
that would give a hundred dollars to talk to
me-"
sWhat sort of man is he?"
"He's deaf and dumb"
At this response the retailer came down
from his high stool, and before the drummer
left he had his name in his book for hand
some bill of goods.-RdrJord Post.
SHALL WEKNow EACH OTHER THERE.
The minister of fashionable church once
preached beautiful sermon on this subject.
He drew the picture of a very beautiful
heaven. We would walk in sunlit groves,
by the music of waterfalls and gaze out upon
amaranthine fields. ,s
"And then, too, we shall know each other
there, !" said the minister, and then added !:
len we will all be friends"
beautiful J" said Deacon Sham, as he
trotted down the aisle.
..'.A lovely sermon ~ said Miss Simpkins,
as she put her bony hand into the minis
ter's.
She was stopped bya poor mechanic, who
came up and addressed the preacher with
"Mr.-, am glad we shall recognize
each other up there."' ... Il
greatest consultations of our religion"
"Well, Pm right glad we shall know each
other. 1t will bea great change though, for
I have attended your church for over four
years and none Of the members of this socie-
ty have recognized me yet. But-we shall
know each other up there"
%At Thursday evening prayer meet
ing held in an interior town week or two
since brother arose and said he had con-
fession to make. Much against his will he
had been beguiled into buying railroad
stocks as a speculation. "Poor sinner ~
put up for stocks. I was tempted by Satan
and [ yielded" continued the repentant.
"How much 2" asked a cautious brother.
"Well, had about $4,000 invested. "And
you lost it all, and there's no hope for you? %
''Lost! No, Brother Smith; cleared 81,
5O." "Ah! you did? That somewhat al
tiers the case. believe if Brother Jones
bought S4OO bell for our church and paid
the expense of revarnishing the pews the
Lord would let him off this time on a sus-
pended sentence" So
GAN EYE FOR DIRT."-A Boston gentle
man married musical and literary lady,
who was very charming, but who was en-
tirely ignorant of and Indifferent to house
keeping. He was proud of her, and exceed
ingly fond of displaying her talents to his
friends. One day his brother, blunt, keen
eyed country man, paid him visit. Lead
ing him into the sitting-room which was
dusty, dirty and disorderly, he requested
his wife to play and sing for them. Her
husband listened with great delight to her
performance, and, turning to his brother,
said:
"Your wife has no ear for music, I be-
lieve?" ..
''No; but she has an eye for dirt ~ was
the gruff reply.
Hot WEATHER D1REcTIoNs.-Keep cool
Wear cabbage leaf in your hat. Carry a
sun umbrella. Don't walk on the sunny
side of the street. Don't drink too much
ice water. Nor beer. Nor spirits. Don't
overwork. Don't worry. Knock off bust
ness in the heat of the day. Take sponge
baths every few minutes. Get on your
100000 yacht and run up and down the har-
Dor. Let your business slide, and retire to
the cool and shady groves. Don't read po,
litical editorials. Never mind about the
next President. Put it on ice. Cultivate
perspiration. Sleep all you can. Live in
your bath room. Think of the poor. New.
er mind charity, but think of them ir some
cool place.-Ne,o York Graphic.
Too SMART FOR HIS MA.-"Now, John:
N yf55vs 5svea Ssee eher In %hy RSt sun asn
right in the hot sun" "No, you didn't see
me in no hot sun" "Do you think I'd
ie?" 81 don't know what you call it, but
you didn't see me in the sum-" "Why,
Johnny, will you persist in contradicting
me-? I saw you sitting on the curbstone,
right, in the broiling, hot sun. Poor child.
Maybe the sun has affected your mind.
Now, wasn't you in the sum-" "Maybe
it's done that with your mind, for how could
git in the sun? Do you know how fur
the sun is from here:" Then his mother
slipped off one of her slippers, and Johnny
BEST RIGHT TO THE BED.-One night a
Judge, military officer and priest, all ap-
piled for lodging at an inn where there was
but one spare bed, and the landlord was
called on to decide which had the better
claims of the three. II have lain fifteen
years in the garrison of b." said the officer.
III have sat as Judge twenty years at R."
said the judge. "With yeur leave, gentle
men, have stood in the ministry twenty
five years at ~" said the priest. "That
settles the question:" said the landlord.
"You have lain these fifteen years; you
have sat twenty years; but the aged pastor
has stood five-and-twenty years, so he GER
tainly has the best right to the bed"
"WHY ?-"Why," said defeated candi-
date, lam like the earth 2"
Because" said a listener, "you are COW
cred with dirt"
"Wrong 4; guess again."
because you are always round"
"Wrong; try another"
because you are wicked"
''Try again."
give It up, Why are yoq?"
"Well, it's because Pm fiattened at the
polls. ."-lerc1to,at- Traveller.
How HE HELPED THEM OvER.-Two OF
our bellies while walking out the other day
came to q ditch near the railroad grade at
Montelair which they did not know how to
get over. Seeing a young man coming
along the road, they appealed to him for
help, Whereupon he pointed behind them
with startled air and yelled out, "Snakes ~
The way those girls crossed that ditch was a
sight to behold, and the young man lives.
b9- Deacon Jones is one eof your self.poised
IL ~ n