The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1883-01-26
WIT AND HUMOR.

| AiiuOSt ouyUOuy CSu run uiO ucUt,
but nearly everybody has to crawl Out
of 1t.
A hen in q china closet can do moro
damage than bull. and get twice as
excited about It.
A federal soldier has applied for a
pension at Washington for broken log
got in jumping the bounty"
The time wasted by men in feeling in
the wrong pocket would make the next
generation rich IL they had 1t.
1t doesn't do to engage In Q dispute
with chemist. for he always has . re-
tort ready.
We are all hunters in the field of life.
Some OF US bring down our game; but
most of us end in wild-goose chase.
A regiment with Q military band In
front should always march BY play
tunes.
Florida has . soft thing" The
sponge crop on the coast is enormous
this year.
A St. Louis man who painted . lamp
post every evening for two weeks saw
his marks on the backs Of ninety seven
dlilorent lOaferS.
Il do 80 like to talk to you." she
said. softly, in pause Of the converse
ton. beaming on him and signing.
''Whyp' asks the unsuspecting youth.
Because" she answers. gently. ''be-
cause you are all ears"
Ibid you see the moon over your
right shoulder. my dear?" said she TO
him as she roamed down the walk.
"N-n-no, not exactly; but just saw the
old man over my left shoulder, and I'll
bid you good might" No kisses served
up with that parting.
When Wisconsin man attached q
circus lion on debt, the proprietor Of
the show turned the beast loose, and
told the creditor to take him along with
out further ado. The creditor was last
seen breaking for q piece of woods six
miles square.
They were two little children, and
they were painting pictures in their
schOol-books. One youngster finished
a COW in blue, and then remembered
never to have seen blue COW. 'Nev.
er mind" encouragingly said the other;
"we'll say the COW Is cold"
When man goes in search Of tho
North Pole and comes home without
getting within thousand miles of 1t,
he is given q "grand reception" What
kind OF reception he would be award
! ed if he were to bring the pole home
with him is hard to say. We shall wait
and see.
"How do you feel, my little man"
asked a youth Of his sweetheart's small
brother. The young tiend looked up at
him sidewiss. and with grin respond
ed: II feel just as il I'd like to have q
dime" He got it. but his prospective
brother-in-law now avoids the health
question.
'Sec here. my dear. how beautifully
the sun brings out the dewdrops this
morning. They glisten like-like-"
Like diamonds, pa. They remind me
ever so much of some I saw yesterday"
The old gentleman turned the converse
ton Immediately, but the diamonds
have got to be bought.
Festive host (whO has been told BY
his wife to make himself agreeable)-
Uncommon slow. amt itp Fact is, my
wife thought it would be rather fun to
ask all the bores who've asked us, and
get 'em to meet each other, and pay
them off in that way, you know. And
she did. by Jove! And the best Of it is,
they've all come.
"rvc lost patient" said doctor,
sitting down to clearinghouse din
ner table, with frOwn on his face as
dark as gunpowder poultice. Il am
sorry to hear it. Man or woman?" ask
ed one of the boarders. "Man." when
| did he dic?" '.Die. hang him, he's not
dead. He stopped taking my medicine.
got well. and ran away without paying
A Vermont man thought it would Do
a good joke to capture polecat. color
it black SD that it would look like
coon. and set n party OF hunters after
| il. He did 1t. but says he wouldn't TN.
dertakc To repeat the task for $4,000.
Some men have tact. Said the bride.
groom who didn't wish eith"r to offend
his bride or die of interna, disturbance:
My dear. this bread looks delicious;
but it is the first YOU have ever made.
cannot think Of eating it, but will pre-.
serve it to show to our Children in AFTER
years as sample Of their mothers skill
and dcftness."
What Is despair. papae' asked a
bright youth who WAS wrestling with
his first spelling-book. '.Despair?
echoed the father. as his mind reverted
back to his boarding school days. "de-
spair is what 4 fellow feels when he
thinks he has Knocked his roommate
down with pillow. and finds no has
floored the principal, who had just
sneaked into the room to SEQ what the
boys were doing"
Little George had been sick. and was
consequently placed upon close diet.
Feeling some better he begged for just
one piece of cake. docs your head
achep" asked his mother. mo. man.
ma" George replied eagerly; mot one
mite" do you feel bad at your
swell, them" said his mother. Il
guess you had better not have any"
Fancy Georges feelings, and wonder
what would have been tho maternal YER
dict had his head ached and his stomach
fel:. h Bsag en.lsmen OF the press who look
after the "crimes and casualties" are
getting the English language down
pretty fine. The talented young man
who does that department for the '.best
paper in America" astonished the force
by hanging the following on the hook:
1.-The tramp Roderick, who burgled the
two houses on West Hill last week and
was jailed Sunday night, broke out last
evening, but was policod clear TO the
river where, finding escape impossible.
he wharfed himself and suicided. The
body piled at the bridge. and will be
coronered in the morning. Truly, in
the midst of life we are deathed."
..Do YOU mix any thing with your
candiesP" he asked, as he laid his mon.
ey down and picked up the package Of
gum drops. "Well- ahem- "A little
glucose, perhaps" ..Any thing elsep''
perhaps little clay" "Any chalkp'
..Only very little-not enough to speak
Of" ats Of no interest to me, you
know" continued the stranger; 'but I
was wondering why You didn't have
your candies made at regular brick
yard. of the regular material, and have
something You could warrant to pur-
chasers."
A Wyoming man saw Texas steer
standing on the railroad track. and
knowing the express train WAS due. be
tried to induce the beast to move. Sew.
eral pieces of board thrown at the fero-
cious monster failed to move 1t, until at
last, as the train rushed down the track
at lightning speed, he seized the steer
by the tail, and twisted It like wet
| towel. At this moment the train struck
them both. and the result was stupen.