The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-08-18
Paragraph Fiend.
A hard case-The oysters.

Man who breaks his word-The stutterel
Has more brayin's than sensc-Ihe dor
key.
A musical crank-The handle of ham
organ.
The rumor that the summer resort plan
has been tuned is premature.
What IS the difference between costumer
and customers9 o U know.
It's when women emerge from sal,
water bath that figures don'tl lie
The next time man attempts to shoo
the rapids at Niagara he'd better do swlti
gun.
If man applies himself diligently t'
getting the juice OF an orange he general!
sucks seeds.
"He sleeps where he tell" says lat
ballad, which suggests that he must have
been pretty drunk.
Can the policeman who chases and
catches Chinese criminal be SAID 10 D'
the Aslatic collarer:
Ills when woman tries to whistle thai
the great glory OF her mouth Is seen with
out being much heard.
And now a son Of Mr.. BeeCher has kick
cd an insurance agent There's good in the
family after all.-Bost0n Post.
In, ma
ing. They think 1t all wrong that one man
should disturb the whole stately J, Com
There is a doctor in Wisconsin named
Green s. Apple The only core to this ap.
pie must be an ambulance corps.-N0Tls
tom Herald,
The man who played Judas Iscariot IN
the Passion Play demanded his pay in ad.
vance, which convinced the manager that
he was just suited to the part.
Too much 'portance ken be laid ter dc
openness OBJ de eye" says Uncle Nose.
"De owl is got heap bigger eye den de
fox, but he amt got half as much sense"
A Western paper says; "Sam Weldon
was shot last night in the rotuDda by
Harry Parsons" About the worst place a
man can be shot, next to the heart, is in the
rotunda. 1t invariably proves fatal.
An item is now going the rounds and
greatly alarming the republicans, that s, j.
Tllden jumps the rope one hundred to one
hundred and ten times every morning.
That's Just the kind of a president this
country wants.
The young man who suffers from the
heat Just now should slight his best girl
aud sneak of to the picnic with some other
glri. The next evening, as he goes aroand
to see the best girl, he will find It very cool
if not comfortable.
Farmers clubs are suggested as very
good things for protection against patent
gate aud lightning rod swindler5. They
should be about five feet long and made Of
stout hickory Detr0N Post
The man who has nice place IN the
country is to be envled at this time. AL.
though he has to send to the city tor his
fresh vegetables ana his women are kept
delightfully."- busy cooking for his numerous
city visitors, he can lie on the grass and let
the bugs bite him.
p Il. Barnum was at the White Noun.
talns lately ana one day went up the inclin.
cd railway, Then he telegraphed to a
friend; 81 am at the top of Mount Wash
earth"
IL has been found by the ChurcjtUtaH to
be historically true that the Puritans in
Cromwell's time gave to a child the name
Chrlsthsd-n died tor thee. thou hadst
been damned Barebonc5" He became
member of Parliament and all his names
were dropped except the last; but ne was
iamiliarly known az Damned Barebones,"
The late Dean Stanley Is SAID to have
rarely made gesture when preaching
One day after morning service he asked
his wife If she had noticed the intensity
with which the congregation had gazed
upon Inn during the sermon. How could
they help it, my dear" said Lady Augusta
"when one Of your gloves was on the top
Of your head the whole time?" The Dean
having taken off his hat before entering
the palpit, the glove lying therein had
fallen on his head. and as he stood quite
still when preaching, there it remained
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES.
What would you do" asked the fireman
black,
or the grimy engineer,
IF suddenly upon the track
woman should appear,
And suppose you were running alittle behind
With your gauge cock up to the H.
And the woman was deaf, and dumb, and
blind,
And couldn't hear whistle or bells"
"Dom cried the grimy engineer,
With look OF cold disdain;
I'D get out there and leave you here
To take your chance with the train!
I'd straighten out on that pilot plate,
And that woman | would snatch,
Before she knew whether We were freight,
Express wild or disnatch