Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-08-30
WIT AND HUI)2.

Michigan has Il pomologist who can
mention eighty-two varieties of apples
and throw in Il peck of green plumbs.
Many man who raves if he has to
wait ten minutes for 4 train. can sit all
day and fish without getting bite.
That great bridge, costing S15. OOO.-
600, MAY be crossed for cent! Think
of it!
The startling report comes from Lon
don that Oscar Wilde has cut his hair.
The sedate journals of that city pro-
nounce him crazy"
Sarah Bernhardt'S autobiography is
expected to appear in October, nearly
six months later than promised. But
then there is so much of her autobio-
graphically.
BY way of II seasonable suggestion.
the Boston Star says that now is the
time to begin an animated correspon-
dence with country friends Perhaps
you'll get invited out to visit them.
Political conversation: Wife. readino
newspaper to husband-''I see that the
state juggler has resigned" Husband
Look further down and see how
much he stole. ''-ArkanSaU TraUeZer.
The Sussex county farmer in England
plOWS with from three to five horses in
single line, and he cries to his animal;
''Mather woot, Come hither, wilt
tIou?"
1t is mentioned in Gotham that Brook
Ign men, now that there is new bridge,
will baua To paIv 10 ~ toll +bo;~,
wives, the story that they were detained
in New York by the fog being no long
Ell available.
An exchange says that ''the truth is
the highest thing a man can keep. :" The
fellow that wrote the above evidently
never owned u horse which he kept at
a livery stable when oats were a dollar
a Observation-Disclosures Saturday.
If brooms are wet in boiling suds once
a week they become very tough, and
will not break up so easily when fond
wife is demonstrating with her husband
and trying to induce him to do better
Bismarck Tribune.
A Dubuque man accidentally knock
ed himself down with club that he was
waving toward some cats. He then did
the best thing he could under the cir
cumstances. He jawed his wife Dos
ton Post.
SIS that about the right length, sir?"
asked the skillful barber, as he finished
cutting his customers hair. Il like
.he sides and back was the response;
''but | wish you would make it a little
longer on top. "-AnecdoteS of BarberS
How many races are there?'' was
asked by Kentucky schoolma' am Up
sprang a shockheaded yOungster, with
a vard-wide smile on his face, and ex-
claimed: ''Three-the spring meeting,
midsummer speeding and fall fairs. :"
"Oh, dearr' sighed Mrs. P, with a
toothache. ''Why can't people be born
without teeth?" IF YOU will reflect
moment, my dear" replied Mr.. p,
''you will be convinced that such is the
fact"
There is complaint in New York that
policemen frequent saloons too constant
ly. The remedy is very simple. Fire
off pistol and yell murder! There
won'tbe apoliceman within eight blocks
of the place for days.
Mrs Belva Lockwood, the lawyer,
says it is easier to get a divorce in Maine
than a drink of whisky. The laxness
of the divorce business in that State
could not be more forcibly put.-LoUelI
Courier.
The wife of bran-new member of
Congress told her neighbors that her
family would remove to Washington, but
she was undecidedas to how they would
live in the capitol; she preferred taking
one of the Potomac flats.
A traveller just back from voyage
over the Dead Sea, after paving $37 for
two hours ride, says: mo wonder
the Lord got out of the boat and walk
ed on the waters-it cost too much to
ride. [ would have walked too if
could.
The Detroit Free Press has dug up the
fact that in olden times a Roman Sen
ator used to shut himself up for three
days after eating onions; but the great
man of to-day walks right out of the
house and begins to argue with the first
man he meets.
A Connecticut woman has sold out her
millinery shop and opened saloon.
She concluded that supplying women
with headgear was neither as pleasant
nor as profitable as fitting men with
nightcaps. = Cincinnati Saturday
Night.
At a wedding in Harlem, where the
bride was very dilatory in arriving at
the church, lady remarked, concern
ing the affair: s'What an idea it is thai
woman should be late in getting here,
when she has been waiting twenty-six
years for just such chance as this
Nothing breaks up the capper of a
circus side-show more that to work his
level best to induce a man with six
children along to go into his tent, and,
when the man az last consents. finds he
is a clergyman with a free pass for him.
self and his progeny.
An Illinois man gotta divorce from his
wife because she fed him on cod liver
oil for breakfast and bought piano
which she did not know how to play.
IF +bo 1of+a1 o4fooco ic ~ CO i