The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-11-24
THE PATENT ExpEcroRAroR.
lDerriek Dodd, in San Francisco Post,

lDerick Dodd, in San Francisco Post.i
 The other evening, as party of the most solemn members Of the Pacific Club were swapping lies and chuckling over the thousand and first repetition of the same old Chestnut !" stories, thin man, aitired chiefly in shiny coat, and an in- grztiating smile, slid into the room.
 Don't want any books or liver pads, ' growled one of the stewards, and we've all subscribed to the yellow fever suffer CTS"
 That's all right, gentlemen !; I under stand all that, said the stranger, rapidly unstrapping a small box; "but have something here that you do want some thing you need worse than hungry dog does bone-if may be allowed the ex- pression.'
 "Flea powder, eh :" asked old Boosey, the wine merchant
 No, gentlemen wish to invite your attention to the last great triumph of in- ventive genius, the husbands friend. the promoter of family concord, the pourer of oil upon the troubled waters of domes- tic life"
 Good scheme said Judge Goffman, waking up
 Now then, give me your entire atten- tion,' said the thin man. impressively. What is it, gentleman what is it that IS chiefly the cause of family jars and un- happiness-now, what is it !''
 Latch keys" said one member, though,fully.
 |" Dry goods bills" said another.
 Lodge nights" added third.
 Mother-in-law,' put in fourth.
 No, gentlemen; you haven't hit it yet. Statistics show that ninety. four per cent. of all domestic quarels are brought about by want of skill in expectoration on the part of the head of the family. You ere all married men, take 1t T'
 The entire delegation nodded their bald heads solemnly.
 And such of you as don, smoke chew. What's the result! You expec- torate accordingly. Of course, you use the spittoon, and you fatter yourselves that you hit the bulls eye every tune. but you don't. You try to do so, your intentions are honorable, but the sad fact remains the same, that the parlor carpet and the bedroom rugs become soiled What follows: Why. war-that most terrible curse of our alleged civilization domestic war "
 The clubbcrs nodded a thoughtful ;s- sent.
 " Now, this failure to expeetorate with precision arises from the unfortunate smallness of the human nose-there is nothing to sight by. The best splitter
  pelican. He could swamp a fly on the wing"
 How was he on clay pigeons 7 asked sporting member.
 Now. how do we remedy this unfor- tunate defect of the human faCe-now. howl Why, naturally, we treat the nose the same as rife and put sights on it.' and the inventor produced lot of peeu- liar instruments from his box. ..l call this Guffey's Combined Eye Glass. Nose Sight and Deadsho, Expec,orator.' By the use of this little apparatus you are enabled to expectorate with the greatest precision from one up to fifteen yards. 4 simple turn of this elevating breech sight similar to that of the Winchester rifle docs the entire business. Only one dollar. Fifty cents extra for this wind gauge attachment. which enables the user to spit clear through a street car without hitting the conductor once. lust the thing for feryboats. lust look at this and with great dexteri,y the speaker put out the light of members cigar on the other side of the room.
 As the inventor picked himself up a, the bottom of the staircase moment afterwards, he mu,tered, as he dusied of his clothes and readlusted his ears:
 What the use of trying to ameliorate the condition of your fellow man in a community like this? and he drifted of To see the secretary of state about con- ,racting for hundred gross for the use Of the lepislafpre