davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
A Printers "Reminiscences Of Art,mu,
Ward.

Every now and then I real al anec-
dote of Artemus Ward, and they nearly
all point the same wav-to his fondnaSs
for practical jokes. 1t fact, it seems to
be popular opinion that all humorists
spend or have spent most OF their time
concocting and executing these alleged
pleasantries. For one, am inclined to
doubt these stories. My acquaintance
with the great Ward. and the impress
sion formed of him by it, makes it seem
impossible that he could do anything to
give another pain, even in the way of
joke.
In 1858, was working sat case" on
the Plnindedler, Cleveland, Ohio. Chas.
+. Browne was then the local reporter
of that paper, and was just beginning
to gain a national reputation by having
his productions copied by the papers all
over the country. 1 had the honor
and l consider it great honor to this
day, though thought little of it then
to set up many of the "goaks," as he
called them, fresh from his pen, that
afterwards made him famous wherever
the English language was spoken.
The P1dindedler was small evening
ploying, l think. only six hands, and,
as is the case in most small offices, the
editorial staff and the mechanical force
were on quite intimate terms, at least in
the Office. Artemus was then working
for the munificent salary of ten dollars
per week, and type-setters received %
cents per thousand. He was always in
good humor, and very seldom ''kicked'
even when the intelligent compositor
mangled MS witticisms past recogni-
ton. l have often seen him come into
the composing room with a proof, take
the galley, and correct mistakes, with
the remark, perhaps, that lit is too fun
ny; must fix it"
He was a great favorite, and every
body in Cleveland knew him-not few
by his nose. Now in all the anecdotes
/ have read of Artemus Ward (and l
great index to mans character, the
nose, has never appeared. To illustrate
the hugeness of that organ possessed
by him, will relate couple of Incl
dents:
A fashionable hatterin Cleveland offer
ed as prize II fine silk ''stove-pipe"
hat to the man who had the largest
nose. Artcmus got the hat and wore it.
Ward invited the printers in the office
to a little supper one evening. OF
course we all accepted. There was
some punch, and all in the party par
took quite freely. Strange thing if they
didn't, you might think. l remember
one of the toasts was: 1.-THE Nose of
Artemus-may its shadow never grow
less" In great good humor he arose
and replied at length. making us cry
with laughter.
This nose was of the extreme Yelling
ton type, and never saw but one to
equal i'll mean in dimensions-and it
belonged to a tramp printer named
Williams. He was called ''Ham-Nose"
Williams for short by his familiars.-
~ II. Parks in Texas Sltings.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
a Very Common Fish.

Once, when coming from three-
hours excursion, with at least twenty
pounds of black bass and wall-eyed pike
in the bottom of the boat, which my at
tendant was rowing at lively rate
abreast of rapidly gathering storm,
one of my lines attached to rod and reel
and which l was trolling, suddenly tight
ened and came near jerking the rod in
to the lake.
"Jewhillikins, Charles! put the boat
about. Got a ten-pound bass on. Julius
Caesar, how he pulls!
1t was no easy task to stop and come
round against the wind and make head
way backward, so to speak. or hold the
boat so that the game could be properly
handled. At least 100 feet of line ran
out before the maneuver could be ex-
ecuted. In the mean time the line was
pulled hither and yon, the monster tug
ged and jerked, the boat was hard to
manage, the wind increased every mo-
mcnt. and the now angry waves rose
and showed their white teeth until it
seemed that the elements and all the ac-
cidents and incidents possible were con-
spring to prevent the capture OF the
''boss" fish of Maxincuckee.
But he was on, well hooked, in fact,
az was quickly shown, and unless we
were capsized, or was pulled over
board and lowed around the lake, it
wouldn't do to give up. Charles rowed
with all his strength, now on the right
oar, now on the left, accordingto orders
while l, braced in the boat, took advant-
age of every turn to keep the line taut,
and hold the quarry to his work.
Soon the rain came and the wind
grew furious and the waves leaped into
our skiff like pirates. Still the contest
was kept up for twenty minutes, when
we got the customer under control and
Charles, dropping his oars, seized the
landing-net and deity thrust ton to
slender, tenacious branch Of sunken
tree! That was all. - Forest and
Stream.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
"Do they get oudt some fashion-blates

'Do they get oudt some fashion-blates
from Parisp"
"No."
"Vhell, how ish it dose poys know so
much? Dot goat allows for you to sthand
oop und bend oafer. 1t allows for your
back to shorten oop or lengthen oudt."
B ''But the sleeves are too short"
"a ''Let me see. Only last nightmy wife
SIT up all night to cut off dose sleeves
und make 'em in style, und now you
vhant sleeve like Noah wore in der
Ark! Well, nopody would think dot of
you
Il can't hardly bend my arms" con-
tinued the buyer.
''Vhell, sold you dot goat fur Sun
day. You doan' chop wood on Sundays,
hope? When You desire to bend your
arms put on some odder goat"
I'm not at all satisfied with it. no
matter what you say"
,"Vhell, can't help dot. After you
buy dot goat YOU fall down or slump
around or drink beer und get your body
all out of shape und then come pack und
complain. Ny frendt, dot goat vhas fol-
a shentleman. When you wear it you
must be Il shentleman.'
II paid you SO forit, and I'll take a."
No"
"You can have it for 49,"
Young man, let me explain. vhas
partner NIT my wife. She puys und
SELL She is now in Chicago. DOan' you
sell dot goat. Take it home und wait
until you shrink a leedle und your back
shortens oop, und you Will den put on
dat goat und set all der gals crazy und
make all der young men shealous. Take
my advice. vhas in der clothing pees-
ness forty years, und l know der cloth
in dot goat. 1t WANTS good thunder
shower und two games of baseball to
make it fit you like q handle to a coffee
mill!'-Detr0n Free Press.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
A Ballad of The Mist.

III love the Lady OF Merle" he said.
''She is not for theel' her sutton cried;
And in the valley the lovers fought
BY the salt rivers tide.
The Drawer fell on the dewy sward.
The unloved lover returned once more;
In yellow satin the lady camo
And met him at the door.
"Hast thou heard. dark Edith" laughed he
grim,
Poor Hugh hath craved thee many a day?
Soon would 1t have been too late for him
His low-born will to say.
~ struck blade where lay his hearts love
And voice for thee have left him none
To brlg he still seeks thee over the bills
When thou and are one!'
Fearless across the wide country
Rode the dark Lady Edith of Merle;.
She looked at the headlands soft with haze,
And the moors msts of pearl.
The moon it struggled to see her pass
Through its half-lit wells of driving gray;
but moonbeams were slower than the steed
That Edith rode away.
Oh what was her guerdon and her haste,
While cried the far screcch-owl in the tree,
And to her heart crept its note so lone
Beating TREMENDOUSLY?
About her blnck scarf aoated thin.
And over her cheek thu mist fell cold,
And shuddrreL the moon between its riffs
OF dark clouds silvcry fo!d.
Oh Whit" fire OF the nightly sky
when burns the moons ~ lar vile and far
And every cloud iumed with flame
Engulfs "a shaken star!
Bright as comes morning from the hill,
There comes face to her lovers eyes;
Her love she tells. and he dying smiles,-
And smiles yet in the skies.
He =, dead, and closer breathe the mists:
He is dead, the owiet means remote;
He is buried. an ths MOI draws near,
To gaze and hide and float
Fearless within the churchyard's spell
The whte-browed lady doth stand and sigh;
She loves the mist, and the grave, and the
moon,
And the owls qnivering cry
Rose Hawthorne Lathrop, in May Century.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
oscar Wild, on tina Uaa..sr,bls Wheel.

oscar Wilde on tina Uoastsrabls Wheel.
"A wheel is in ITSELF" said Oscar
Wilde, "a very beautiful object. All
the noblest forms of the ceramic art are
derived from the pottor''s wheel. And
yet in England l have always found
machinery such pitiful and ugly thing:
tumble OF cranks and cogs and petty
pieces, you know, without touch of
grandeur about them. So entered that
castellated horror at Chicago. and there
at last came upon wheel-the wheel
of the Chicago Water Works-a mighty,
majestic. unutterably harmonious wheel.
l saw the beauty and the poetry Of
America in that revolving wonder; and
l said to myself, if ever America pro-
duces n great musician, let him write a
Machinery Symphony. He could have
no more worthy subject.
"But Of course they never will have a
great musician out there" continued
Oscar, dropping from the clouds to earth
with singular suddennesI. '.until they
have abolished the shrieking steam
whistle. Their tympanums have all
been ruined by these whistles. Cor
respondencs Chicago Tribune.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
Mod ,-- Novels.

The recent sch oil OF American novel
lists, represented maialy by Howells and
James, is endeayo ing 10 work n reform
in fiction. Inst .ad of in Dickens or
Thackeray manner of finishing 4 story,
Mr.. Howells especially, amuSeS himself
by chopping it of, leaving the reader to
draw his own conclusions. This is GER
tainly very accommodating. but il is not
art. Every piece of literary work
should have decided ending where all
of the wrinkles are smoothed out. when
the reader is allowed to sit down and
rest. If this style prevails among the
younger writers, as Mr.. Howells no
doubt desires it should. the future novel
will end very much in this way:
walking rapidly through the fields.
Arthur sought his old home. The tall
clover stood in perfumed tremor, and
the bees buzZed in inSectiferous GLORIOUS.
The young man Thought as he passed,
of his long engagement with Miss Bike
and wondered il she were still living
with his aunt. He longed to meet her
and to know that she still loved h.m.
He climbed the field fence. entered the
lane leading to the house and walked
along, rejecting deeply. He neared
the house. A white dress tluttercd ut
the gate. He rushed forward. The
end"
Now what sort of an ending would
that be? The reader would never know
whether it was Miss Bikes or some 9TH
er woman's dress that was fluttcring at
the gate. No matter how much the rO-
mantle young girl might be interested
in the marriage of Arthur and Miss BIZ
kle, she would never know whether or
not the ceremony was performed.
1t is the duty of every story teller to
settle up with his characters before clos
ing his book. 1t would not be bad
idea for novelist to have literary
balance sheet, and settle with each char
acter the first of every month. This
would keep everything straight and pre-
vent anything like confusion.
Howells' Modern Instance looks as
though it were taken by instantaneous
photography and ''iired OFF, before the
rear end of the procession attained good
position. 1rdveler.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
A Misft Fit.

A party of three young men from the
agricultural districts entered second
hand clothing store on Michigan avenue
yesterday morning, and one of them
finally bought secondhand coat. He
was solemnly assured that it was fit
that Shakespeare would have been proud
of, and that it increased his beauty 200
per cent, and he. went away perfectly
satisfied In about an hour, however,
he returned and said:
"Say, this coat isn't fit, after all. :"
What ails dot goat now, ehp'
"Well, it's too short in the back, for
one thing"
"Let me look. Too short, ehp I'm.
MY frendt, who tells you SOP"
"Both the boys"
And vhas dose poys tailorsP"
mo"
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13

When Lieutenant Schwatka started
on his arctic expedition he took a lot of
the Costou night signals of various col
ors. such IS are used by vessels on our
Northern lakes. One night. while the
men were sleeping in their snow houses
Oh the icy coast of Labrador, an immense
pack of wolves surrounded them, and
threatened to destroy the whole party
Knowing the vanity of trying to kill
them with their rifles, they lit one of the
lights aud threw it out. The glare was
so binding that the wolves were dumb
founded. The growing stopped and in
less than two minutes not one Of the
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13

The bananas eaten in the Western
States are shipped from the Isthmus of
Panama to New Orleans, and are thence
carried to the prominent cities. 1t
may not be Improbable to many peo-
pie to say to them thai the best banana
is one whose skin has begun to turn
dark - the kind which the ignorant
buyer is likely to reject. A banana
sliced lengthwise may be fried in butter,
and is an excellent accompaniment to
fried bacon. 1t may also be used for .
fritter, and it very pleasantly mingles
with sliced oranges and with strawber-
riea
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
PONDS EXTRACT CO.,
ID West 18th st.. New York.
$500 Reward !!

WE will pay the above reward for any case Of
Liver Complaint. Dyspepsia, Sick Headache, In
digestion, Constipationo or CUstiveness we cannot
cure with Vests Vegetable Liver Pills, when the
directions are strictly complied with. They are
purely Vegetable, and never fail to give salts
faction. Sugar coated. Large boxes. contain
ing 30 Pills. % cents. For sale by all Druggists.
Beware OF cOunterfeitS and limitations The
genuine manufactured only by JOHN c. WEST
Il Co, 1.-The Pill Makers" Isl & 1873 w Madison
ST.. Chicago. Free trial package sent by mail
prepaid receipt of 3 cent stamp. Sole
Agent in Owosso. L. NJ BROOKS. De vi
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13

BROWNS IRON BlTTERS is
a complete and sure remedy for
Indigestion, Dyspepsia, Malaria,
Weakness and all diseases requir-
ing a true, reliable, non-alcoholic
tonic. II enriches the blood, gives
new life to the muscles and tone
to the nerves.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
sol N. Fremont ST., Baltimore

sol N. Fremont ST., Baltimore
During the war 1 was in
jured in the stomach by a piece
of a shell, and have suffered
fromitever since. About four
years agoit drought onparaly-
sis, which kept me in bed six
months, and the best doctors
in the city said I could not
live. Isufered fearfully from
indigestion, and for over two
years could not eat solid food
and for a large portion of the
time was unable to retain even
liquid nourishment. / tried
Browns Iron Bitters and now
after taking two bottles l am
able to get up and 60 around
and am rapidly improving.
G. DECKER.
The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-07-13
STRENGTH

to vigorously push a business,
strength to study profession,
strength to regulate household,
strength to do days labor with
out physical pain. An this repre-
sents what is wanted, in the often
heard expression, "0h! wish
had the strength" If you are
broken down, have not energy, or
feel as If life was hardly worth liv-
ing, you can be relieved and re-
stored to robust health and strength
by taking BROWNS IRON BIT
TIERS, which is true tonic-a
medicine universally recommended
for all wasting diseases.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1883-12-28

Either pickles or cafsup should b
eaten with cold meat
Two thickncsscs Of newspaper
make good lining for apple barrels.
I'ror Times.
The best pcn-wipcr Il piece Of an
old kid-glovc No lint sticks IN tho
pcn-nibS as from cloth.
--Savory Eggs Fried: Take dozen
hard-boilcd eggs. cut them in halves
aud scoop out the yclks. Mix the yclks
with some finely minced cold chicken.
mushroom, shalot, q little lemon juice
and pepper and salt TO taste. Put this
mixture into the white halves together.
pass piece Of thread through them.
roll lightly in egg and brcad-crumbs and
fry % light brown. -- Boston Tram
SCRIPT.
Cranberry Pudding; Cranberry pud-
ding il made BY pouring boiling water
on 4 pint Of dried bread crumbs; melt q
tablespoonful Of butter and stir in.
When the bread l. softencd add two
eggs. and beat thoroughly with the
bread. Then put IN pint Of the stewcd
fruit. and swccfcn 10 your taste. Bake
in hot oven for half an hour. Fresh
fruit may be used in place OF the cram
berries. Slices Of peaches put in LAYERS
make . delicious variation. IN. u
Times
"A lady who las remarkable success
IN raising house-plants reveals the
secret Of her method in note to the
Now York Post. The oil. she writes.
j about two-thirds good garden soil and
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1883-12-28

Little Mary and her great black New
founiianj iog carl1 w.r, t. xe-x
familiar pjcsnre n me
\ often Sfnppei ~ look !. ,i..m ~
they ran about tia ,ar.i. N II y Y
warm afternoon. they Ia a~leep under
The large evergreen trees. MARY I'rhr
curls made y lovely contrast NJ (-ar;o: y
shaggy black sides- ILL., loving ~en,le-
ness n AL him seem ~ -t.oi ~ ~ 49,
handsome.
Little Mary had = naughty h.h;t ~
running away from Nome. CsrIo
would 40, leave her for 4 moment
III seemed to trv II Ut her home again
H. ran before her ke.pinv 49, frnr,
getting oa tho walks. ani irving ~ coax
herto fnm about. Sometimes n. would
succeed. and then 4 he.ri Al i.rf,,l
bark when he saw Her once NOR. SAFELY
in the vsrl. n H. conli MT rrt NJ
holuc. NJ wonld never deer H.
Wien she waS tired MI ~ I,;d her
curly head against III neil. rc.dv ~
- m II. ia to- ~, ....' Y, Y,
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1883-12-28
Our Young Renders.


Little children. don't you hear
Some one Knocking A your door}
Don't SOU know the glad <cx Year
Comes 70 you and me once more
Comes with treasures ever new
Spread out ~ .iuf waiting fcfi<
High resolves and purpose true
Round our lives % music sweet
Ours ~ choose the thorns or uoNcn
n We but mind our duty;
Spend aflsht the priceless hours
And life win glow with beauty.
Let rs. then. tho portals Hing.
Hcapinx hieh the liberal cheer:
Lct ~ Innsh. md shout nnd sing
Welcome. Welcome. glad new Ncar'
-tI(<1i<th A. Durl<.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1883-12-28

~x1rhen <-on - nlt cr,.,~l. xo.v-
.elv..-. n me-, ana ,ox. Mn. men .,.I
uon,<-r N h..<;nc-~ ,r.l eoo.l ~nrL Z ofIif..
w, 4. i, N .'c,. ,;ri S..,,,r ,.'h. 80. ~.
N. ...,,,.,-r ,;,,,.. .sh., ..,,.. l..-si;..~
II 49,, q ~, c.r n;nu,.s -f,er ,l.c hnn,
r.5 - ..,'.. \. ..'.. ~, s....;
MI, <.,.,.. ,,.s.. 3.ss;...i ~. .s'.,'. !,
~ -, ~.rx scrrx y, ts.,, ~, ..,.;,;n,
Al -,,ch ,r.r.s.r~ 60 ,,,,or ,;r,l.r -
-."l k".l - 49, t' La .,'-. An.
~ r.,.;rn.,;,, ,h.- valid m,rc r.o,,,
H. s..,ceho.i,, .o, .iw.xs /. lille ,.h;nJ-
NM '' '
"Th. 49,, .,.,tS y, Mn. \, 80. ,..r,.
Nv, ..a ,,.''., r..,.L Nv. s..,s.... 49,.
m'r.rcs 49, INA 49, ~, TIM 49,,
r ,,,.,'' =, m. .n3 fhrr arrive n s;m. 7,
M l..h,5 NJ. Nv: ..s..'..--. a.. w.
I'M, .;n;n- "A. ,,c,.Ir;,. ! u. ir,n ,he;r
hn.,...l hr..-,s t,.< (:.c~,~'-
nre ~, III. -. to,i;r~ forth Il ~.
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1883-12-28


The style q market pig nas under
gone great change within few years.
me iarxc ~! 70 1v-poonu noS = now
seldom iounu. Inc oveFkto"n ~: -
~ ionko< sought nztc., me p'k tcc!inS
mas hecn mere carefully studied Q! ia'o
years onrt"u Feeders nave !onnu thnt
tne older me nog thc more - carcass
COSTS per POUND. ~ y also founu that
tiic ucsn 81 me large hog y coarser ana
stronger, ana NOS - sweet ana une-
favored - = Ten % tweive-months' Pig:
y - true the Older and over-isttened
neg Yields more lard, put TINS does not
carry pront win y. - iaru often brings
no higher price tnan tno SIDE PORK. Inc
.nonc.men'' therefore,, 20 GROW these
large noSS no longer exists: ana the IVY.
pound p'g mas displaced tne 'hhpound
ne time Wa wheu Pigs "efe
relssu ~ slow growth % pc fattened
afterwards Farmers often kept LOT
% snosts over winter. without expect
trS them 70 increase ~ weight much.
80 that they might have them ready 70
faten ne following iaii- These were
Ias'ureu' ana gwen house Stops through
me summer making CROWN during
thc eight g ten months q forty 20 sixty
pounrs his was what WAS called .
healthy growth y was healthy for the
pig 4 was very unhealthy for the
1s;rmer pocket, - the amount 81 gain
~as one-nai' the cost o. keep
hut me farmer ala not then Inquire
inc tost q keep - closely - ne does
now; IN TACT, ne probably never took
~ accurate account OF the cost q WIN
The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1883-12-28

We have noticed several methods Of
erecting fence across streams or riv-
eE8 upon the farm 70 prevent cattle
from trespassing upon . neighbours
land, Or fields upon ones own premises,
where they might do mischief but
one that was described % Us recently
~ regard - an improvement upon
any We have yet seen. Il u construct
I'd - follows: Take two short, heavy
posts. say three feet long. set into the
ground and extending abvve Il some ten
or twelve inches. A pole six inches in
diame1er, and of sufficient length to
span the stream. forms the bottom Of
The fence This should be cut dat On
ono side. and the ends rounded down 10
about two inches. 50 as 70 tit into cor
responding holes in The beforc-mcn-
fioncd posts about six inches from the
ground. board Or fiat rail the length
% the panel forms the top rnil. and 10
this and To the fat cned side Of the poles
are % BE- nailed the uprights ct q proper
distance 10 oppose the cattle intended
% pasture on the land--thcse 20 be
nailed 20 the upstream side. When
during : frcshet the water presses
against the fence. the props give way
and the panel falls down With the ends
" edges Of the boards presented 70 the
line 81 the current. and o1Icr but little
resistance % IL When the storm or
flood Is over al that y necessary % do
u % 20 20 work. and. after raising Il up.
prop Il ~ before. and it u - good as
ever. This fence. We arc told, answers
fully al the purposes desired. GERMAN.
soeCn Telegraph
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1883-06-07
V |

Presently an inquest was held upon the
BODY of man found in the Thames, en-
tangled in weeds and rushes, at some dis
tance from Walton. The proceedings were
brief enough.
The man was apparently Of middle age {;
he was tall, large featured, with an iron
gray beard. 1t was thought that he might
be foreigner. He was shabbily dressed,
but there was some money in his pocket,
with knife horse pistol, unlOaded, a
chisel and bunch of keys.
The police had no knowledge of the man;
the body was not claimed.
Sir Jasper Davenport rendered his evil
dence. He narrated how he had stepped
from his boat to the lawn fronting Mrs.
Bertram's house. ct was whispered IN
court that Sir Jasper was engaged to be
married to Mrs. Bertram, but the coroner
asked no questions on that head) re mao
found a man trying to effect an entrance
through one of the windows. A struggle
had ensued and the man had fired pistol.
Sir Jasper had been wounded, but not Sc
riously. He identified the body. Theeven-
ing was dark and thick mist had come
over, but Sir Jasper had no doubt whatever
on the subject. 1t was the body of the man
with whom he had struggled before Mrs.
Bertram's window. Sir Jasper had been
face to face with the man, and would have
known him anywhere. Mrs. Bertram was
not called as witness. The coroner SAID
he supposed the jury was satisfied; there
seemed no occasion for farther evidence,
even if farther evidence had been forthcom-
ing, and it was not. The jury returned
verdict of "Found drowned" The general
opinion was to the effect that the burglar had
met his death by misadventure, that 1T
served him right, and was altogether good
rid(iance