davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
A DiScOnl fl tied Dude.
CPocto,, TranSoy.ipt

One of our Newport swells tells this story
of himself It is his pet story. 1t impresses
different listeners differently. Sometimes l
think it doesn't impress them exactly as he
expects it to, but it is his way of informing
the world that he dresses for the evening re-
ligiously I'll try to put it in his own words:
Pm deuced absent-minded, don't you
know. deuced absent minded. Did some
thing other morning, just like me, don't you
knows Valet was knocked up; lighted the
gas myself when got up; deuced stubborn
mustache, mine is-have to curl it on an iron
lighted gas 70 heat the iron and forgot to
put it out Of course, felah don't put on his
morning clothes by gaslight and I got into
my evening suit. By Jove! opened the front
door and stood in evening dress in broad day.
light Haven't got over it yet. Cad! upset
me entirelyl Felt like a waitaw or a fool.
Deuced absentrminded l am, don't you
knowp'
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Minnesota and turn ed his face bravely
and hopefully towards the rising me-
tropolis of the western prairie, Grace
vile. We acknowledge the good taste
of Father GEMS, and would fain pitch
our tent near his on the banks OF love-
~ Togua, where Nature shows herself
SO comcly and so generous, and where
dwell people SO loyal to faith and so
worthy of the rich gifts which earth
and heaven seem to have in store for
them Northwe>tern Chronicle.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Waseca Radical: Our Congressman
Mcmillan wants some more ''sheer
booms' for the 'umbermen, and has
introduced bill in Congress to that
effect. Legislation for Minnesota
appears to be mostly for government
buildings and mill dams and booms
at st. Paul and Minneapolis. Why
don't our great representatives talk to
Congress little about railroad dis
examinations and telegraph imbecili-
ty, and drive we'll and cream-can pat
ent sharks, and thereby do something
to aid the people of Minnesota, and
not bend every effort toward making
the rich richer and the poor poorer.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
pIum Duff i'm Trousers.

california Cor New York Tribune.]
Harvey says that once on his ship the crew
agreed to lump their allowance on holiday
and i,uve one gigantic plum duff for all
hands In default Of an adequate pudding
cloth they boiled it IN pair of clean duck
trousers, and it was brought to the table un-
broken, looking like the legs and waist Of
some unfortunate gentleman notified all over
with purple spots He adds that the captain,
who came to see if the men were comfortable,
arrived Just in time to be astonished by the
spectacle. Perhaps we might have been
tempted to do something of the kind; only by
the time plum duff was revealed to US our
camp could not furnish whole pair Of
trousers.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

The Canadian Pacific Railway COM
pany tried to unload some of their
stock in New York but failed. They
have now transferred it to London
hoping to induce capitalists there to
take hold of IT,
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
Her First Pair OF spectacles.

lDoCrOlC fOSC.J
A woman who looked as if she had been a
long time in this vale of tears went into a
popular and fashionable jewelry establish.
ment on jefferson avenue and said:
81 want a pair of specs"
''This way" said an obliging clerk with his
hair parted in the middle, and he led her up
flight of stairs into long room where a
space was reserved for optical purposes. A
small, nervous looking man at once sur
rounded her.
''Sit here" he said, placing chair for her
and hanging up an A, B. c card in front OF
her; Elk your eyes on that"
II amt agoing to have my picture taken"
said the woman tartly.
Certainly not, madam; you wish to re-
new your eyesight Just tell me what you
can see on that card, 9-7-10. Do you follow
me?"
"Just let me have my par'sol and I'll follel
ye l did't come here to be made fun Of. ]
kin read and write as well as you kin, and
count, too. want pair of Specs"
Exactly, but l should recommend eye
glasses with such a nose as yours madam"
"What's the matter with my nose hey? II
it amt much of nose you amt agoin' tc
poke fun at it."
''It is beautiful nose,n said the optician
firmly, land would adorn handsome pair
of eyeglasses Will you kindly look at this
circle of iness Do they all appear to be OF
the same size?'
"'Pear to be! they are all of size; nc
foolin', young man."
Certainly not madam; if the circles ap
pear to be all of one size your eyes are not
deforned"
"Deformed! Good gracious who said my
eyes were deformeda If ever heard Of the
like"
"You see, madam, we are compelled to test
the optic nerve and determine if the person
has presbyopia-"
mo, sir, I'm Baptist, and won't stay here
to be insulted-"
"You misunderstood me, madam; if you
are afflicted with hyperrnyopia in either
eye
"Look here, young man." said the woman
fercely, ~ dare say you think you know a
lot, but want pair of specs; l amt as
young as used to be- and"
ooh, yes" interrupted the rash optician,
II see you are getting old and But he
never finished the sentence. When the
woman came out of the store she was trying
to straighten out the ribs of her parasol and
muttering to herself:
cold, indeed I've ruined SO psrasol, but
haven't lived all these long years to be in.
suited by being called old! I'll find some hard
ware store where they speak English to get
my specs at. Old! the impertinsnt thing!"
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

In making up his committees Carl
isle did not overlook Minnesota: Gen.
Washburn is on the important COM
mittee of appropriations; Mr.. Nelson
on Indian affairs; Mr.. White OH agri-
culture and Mr.. Strait on both public
lands and militia-all assignments
which will enable our representatives,
by their experience in the subjects
assigned, to add value to the work Of
fhe session
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
The Inspired Bill-Poster.
Joaquin Miller.l

81 pay my bill poster more than my lead
ing man: he is a more important feature in
the success of my show, and I am willing to
bet that my play is billed equal to Barnum's
circus" The words quote literally from a
so-called actor, who was cleaning in dia-
monds on Urion Square. One hardly knows
whether to laugh at the insult offered a noble
profession or recent it.
Anyhow, it seems high time to coll atten-
ton to this nuisance and to point out the
remedy. It is important that we have more
on the inside Of the play house and less on
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

A Western editor. travelling in Geor-
gia, says that prohibition in eighty
mine counties in that state probably
means that the colored people have
no money to buy liquor with, and
that there is no money in saloon
keeping.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
A Minister'S Notes.
TThicooo TptorO coan

The sermon of prominent minister that
recently came into the possession of vandal
was annotated along the margin thus: de
liver this passage in solemn tones;" "Scorn-
full smile after the word never" pause
long enough to count twenty-five after this
passage" "Close bible with violent slam
after this passage" "Contemplate ceiling in
attitude of alteration at this point" s'Sarcas
tic wave of hand" etc. And yet ministers
declaim against the theatric art.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Inter Ocean: The Knoxville Trib-
une speaks of Gen. Grant asia son of
o. gun.n Itwould be safe to bet nick
lie that some of Grants boys in blue
shot that editor in the back, and he
has not fargotten it.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Keep dish 0! Indian meal Oil the
toilet stand hear the soap, ana rub the
meal freely on the hands after soaping
them for washing. l. will surprise
you if you have not tried il, to find how
it will cleanse and saftcn the skin and
prevent chapuing'
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Carlisle has dlspleased the National
Temperance association. They sug-
gested several gentlemen for the house
committee on the liquor traffic but he
appointed none OF them. But one
member of the committee takes their
view of the question.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

This week in Columbus Ohio was
held the meetings of the State Bar as
ISOLATION, the State Teachers associa-
ton, the Association of Ohio Colleges,
the Music Teachers association. the
Brewers and Liquor Dealers ussncia-
ton, and the colored convention.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

John n. irwin, governor of Idaho
territory, returned to the treasurer of
the United States draft for $3.50, sent
him as salary for the quarter ended
October so, and declined also to re-
ceive the salary due him for the quar-
ter ending December 81. He states he
has been unable to attend to the du-
ties of his office since July |, and does
not consider he can conscientiously
take pay.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Richard Larned, who was killed
Thursday on the Chicago, Burlington
& Kanas road at Gladstone, Iowa, was
one of the oldest hotel men in the
country, beginning at Bagg's hotel in
1885. He came to Chicago in 1886.
and in 1872 went to New York to take
charge of the Grand Union. From
1879 to October last he was with the
Plankinton, Milwaukee,
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
Not Taken From the Census Reports.
Nav Work. Journal

NEW I UTk UUu1 IItkI.J =
In New York and Brooklyn there are 200,-
600 young men and 100000 young ladies.
Each young man has from four to six girls
and every young lady has from four to six
reliable young men. In the combined cities
is a population OF 100000 sweethearts and
LOCO, 600 beaux. The social relations of SO
vast number must be highly complicated.
The expense of chivalric attention to the L.
OOO. 600 maidens is at all times large, since the
cost falls ON 2O0OOO youths, instead of five
times that number.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

The diversity ofopinion among lead
ing newspapers regarding Wizards
resignation in the two Oregon compa-
MES is enough to convince one that
none of them know anything about it.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

westward moves the star of en-
pre-" Rev. G. GEMS is thoroughly
convinced of this important truth. and
he has accordingly, during the past
week pulled up stakes in southeastern
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

The opinion which G. P. Hunting
ton & Co. of Southern Pacific railway
fame have of egislators-that every
man has his price-is an extreme one
but one for which legislators them
selves are responsible.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Cincinnati Enquirer: A persistent fly, who
is determined to rest awhile ON a parsons
nose, will do as much to ruffle his temper as
hot theological controversy, and tempt him
to use language which no parson is supposed
to know
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
Transiatins Shakespeare.
[San Francisco Bulletin. I

I0an FTaNCISCO DUIIeJIII.1
A Partisan author has translated Shaks-
peare's line. "Out, brief candlew into French,
thus: "Get out short candler' That isn't as
bad az the translation Of all exclamation OF
Millions by Frenchman, who rendered
"lIail, horrors, hailF" thus: "How dye do,
uorrcr., bow dye dol"
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Evening Journal: The proposition
to give each Senator private secreta-
ries at the public expense would be a
good one, provided the secretary in
each instance was newspaper repor-
ter, and would write the Senators
speeches. We should then have bet
ter grammar and greater brevity and
perspicuity in the Congressional
PaoorS
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
English and American Suburban
Lands.
(Chicago Inter Ocean. ]

lCnlcaSO luUef Ocean.J
Within twelve miles of the Bank Of Eng
land is an estate of 1000 acres, with excel
lent residence buildings, splendid park, vast
plantations of larch, oak, fir, and plenty of
rich land for farming, for sale at 81 900 an
acre. Equally near the New York City
hall it would sell for $4,000 an acre.
The Campsey estate in Suffolk
400 acres-with an Elizabethan man,
sion, woods, etc., sold for S525,OOC
but little, if any, over average prices Of
northern Illinois farming lands. -Four miles
out of Dublin a correspondent of Boston
paper finds land selling at $4,000 an acre.
Alexandra park, London, six miles from the
centre of the city, containing 163 acres of land
admirably located for suburban homes, ia
offered for sale for 500, 900, the buildings, in
Guiding the Alexandra palace, thrown in.
Similarly situated real estate seems to be
considerably higher in America than in
ENGLAND
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

\ Toronto boy slept on II feather bed
on which his grandfather lay twenty
six years ago when sick with small
pox. The boy lies Very low with the
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29
S1Couuio Gpi6u,rc.
In the formation ofcommittees Carl
isle has done well-for him.

Lowell Courier: The elder Gamer
on is S. years old, and yet when ST
mon says thumbs up" or "wiggle
waggle,' things are lively.
Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-12-29

Rochester Post-Express: This country is
now the proud possessor of three great juries
the star-route jury, the Dukes jury and the
James jury.
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-30
Peaks Island Notes.

Spring opened and continued to the usual
accompaniment OF carpenters hammering,
something like a dozen cottages, besides sew
eral dwelling houses, having been erected dur
ing the last few weeks. Captain Knowlton
has led off by giving employment to large
number Of men In fitting up his summer gar
den and menagerie in Greenwood Grove,
full description Of which will be given at an
early day.
One Of Knowlton's foxes escaped to the
woods lately and an old-fashioned fox hunt is
talked of by people who keep poultry; coon
also made bold break for liberty the other
day, but Brackett, the Greenwood man, was
on hand and grabbed the traant by the tail
and urged him to remain. Braekett is al
ways on the Il okout when one Of his guests at
tempts to 'iump his board BILL"
All sorts OF rumors are afioat in regard to
the "Emta,D the Union Steamboat Company's
new boat; one could hear that she had been
sunk in collision. wrecked in a fog and even
burned up, but it is now generally believed
that the damage was light.
The Peaks Island Band have been working
hard and steadily the peIt winter, under the
efficient direction Of Mr.. Cole, and have lat3ly
given number Of concerf1 to the Island peo-
pie which have been warmly praised; their
latest move, however. is ia another dirs stion.
being more OF the literary than the musical
order. They have fesured the Minnehaha
for moonlight trip the first OF the season,
for the evening OF Decoration Day, and are to
have a lecture by the Rev. Mr.. LeLacheur as
an attraction. The lecture win be given at
the church, and the steamer will wait and re-
turn to the city after the lecture to accommo-
date the Portland people who, it is hoped, will
bs pr. ant.
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-30
A Tribute to Israel washburn.

To The Editor Of the Press:
Permit me to say few words about our late
distinguished citizen-not as an addition to
what has been SO we'll said, but as small
tribute from one who knew him well and ad
mired his noble character. He was honest and
earnest. The following extract from letter
written March i6, 1858, will give the reader the
true inwardness OF the man:
"Tp my opinion the Lecompton bill ought tol
be killed. 1t is right that 1t should be, and
therefore In my philosophy il is expedient. As
it ought 20 be killed there is no weapon, cime-
tar or handspike that we should not use. !"
That was the man, He first squared the act
by his square of truth, then used all honorable
means to defeat 1t because it did not stand the
test. His enthusiasm was contagious to all
who came in contact with him, for he Impress
ed Us with his sincerity. With him "nothing
was settled that ives wrong" Like Owen
Loyeioy, he loved to look from the platform
right into the eyes of the people, because he
loved and believed in them. He loved our ma
ton state and city Reared mid rural scenes,
he never forget the lessons learned by the old
armchair of hs!mother, the precepts Of his hon
ored father, or what he gathered in the country
school house. Training like this has caused
Maine to rear sons that have made her name
glorious. One OF her sons has sung to us the
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-30
THE STAR ROUTES.

MIR. Merrick Continues his Argument.
WASHINGTON, May 29.-Mr. Merrick contin-
ued his address to the Jury in the Star route
case this morning. He took up Brady's testi-
moby and commented upon his answers in
scathing terms.
The defence treated Be ane very tenderly
and whether the government got all he knew
God alone only knew. According to his testi-
mOny he was in harmonious accord with S. w.
Dorsey in the matter of papers. The Canon
City camp McDermott route ws5 taken az a
iocs, but by the alchemy OF Infamous periary
il was made ID pay profit of $50, ,l66. The
man who bravely demanded your money at
the muzzle OF pistol was more deserving of
sympathy than vile peFjurer, than the trust
ed public official who entered the treasury and
robbed the people. The orders for exI EDITION
and increase we're taken up in order after re-
cess and extensively criticised
Mr.. Merrick asked il any one living in
Washington could believe In the honesty of
purpoee OF the defendants. Brady had said
nothing OF his sliding scale when before the
Congress investigating committee. He
had trumped up that excuse and he (MeFrick)
wondered at his lack Of wisdom. Miner and
Dorsey had memories that had never been
equalled. Dor~sy had picked mp
ReFdell, had made him what he was. His
work had been skillfully under Dorsey's
teaching, at Dorsey's bidding, and for Dor
Cey's benefit. He (ferrick) had not offered
him ss an angel, as a man without stain.
lie mad offered him az Dorsey cc cOnspiratOr
pleading guilty and waiting for sentence
Whilst explaining tho character of one of the
affidavits the foreman interrupted Merrick to
ask, "Do you mean to cay that they cheated
themselves to begin with ia order TO get more
in the end?'
''They did not cheat themsel7e1," said Mr.
Merrick, 'they lied. The affidavit was fat
lie and Brady ought to have known It, II he
gave it any examination that under the Law he
was required to do. I guess he did not exam
inc them very closely. He said Just preserve
the proportion and crack away. Boys, give
me some petitions to keep the record straight
so that will be ready If any Of these investi-
eating committees come nosng round and
crack awav. I'll be the pry to the door Of the
7 isury.p
The court adjourned till Thursday a. this
pointin accordance with request Of Mr.. Mer-
rick, who was suffering from nervous prostrs-
tion, compelling the constant attendance 10
court OF his physicians
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-30


The Woman's Foreign Missionary Societies
OF the Methodist churches Of Portland held
a union quarterly meeting in the vestry OF
Chestnut street church, yesterday afternoon.
Mrs J. b. Donnen was elected president,
aud Mrs DR.. MeKeown, secretary. The differ
ent auxiliaries were reported through their
secretaries as being in pro1perons condition,
having all increa5ed their membership.
Mrs. II. N. Humphrey read an able and in
tsresring paper on South America and IL
Missions" and was followed in brief address
by Dr.. McKeown. who said he had great SYM
pa,hy with the woman's Foreign Missionary
Society II had his heartiest approval. 1t
furnished suitable Geld for the exercias of
woman s awakened powers, so characteristic Of
these later years. Women Of leisure, energy,
means, needed some exalted sphere Of action.
What better one than the cauee of Christian
missions?
Twc-thirds OF the church, he said, are wom-
on, fact entirely to their credit. They aver
age higher educationally than the men. Con-
sidering their majority of numbers, they hold
the most Of the Christian mind of the land.
Shall it be allowed to lie dormant and unutiliz
ed in the great work OF the worlds evangeliza-
ton? This cannot longer b. Woman has
found cut her power. She.is entering into
her kingdom. Her era in the church is dawn
ing. We are TO have new proofs of her deyo-
tion, resources, fidelity, heroism. Christianity
womauhood. The woman's Missionary Scoie-
ty came on The field of missions as opportunely
as Blucher came to Waterloo-to save the day.
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-30
BOSTON ANNIVERSARIES.
Annual Meeting OF the unitarian Aaao-

Annual Meeting Of the Unitarian Assoc
citation.
BcsToN, May 29.-The annual meeting OF
the American Unitarian Association was held
this morning. The report of the board of di~
reetors show that $4,000 were received for
general purpoaes during the year besides S2j,
eco in bequests There has been raised for
denominational work during the year S22i 900,
including 1000 TO extingnish the debt upon
the church at New Orleans Si5,0C0 TO increase
the endowments of the Meadviile Theological
school. and $40 500 Tor Hungary.
Thirty-nine societies have received aid from
the treasurer.
The treasurer reports the total receipts the
past year 1892, l72 and balance after pay
ing all expenses OF 50 652.
Various amendments referring to representa-
tives Of churches in the association were held
over year.
The following officers were elected
President henry p. Kidder.
Vice Presidents--Geo. w. Curtis, Che5. Al
len.
Secretary-Rev G. Reynolds.
Assistant Secretary-Geo. w. Fox.
Treasurer b. Bnrrage.
Woman Suffrage Association
AT evening session OF the Woman's Suffrage
Association reports from the association in
Maine and Connecticut were presented and ac-
cepted. The election of officers resulted as
follows:
President--Mrs Lucy Stone.
Recording Secretary-H. B. Blackwell.
Corresponding Secretary *. Whip
pie.
Ireasurer-A Mary @. Ames.
A large number of vice presidents and an
executive committee with members from each
of the New England States were also chosen.
The meeting closed by an address by Mrs.
Jalia Ward Howe.
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-30
Richmond.

A large party Of friends and relatives of Mr..
and Mrs VIM. Randlette assembled at the
home Of the latter Saturday evening, to eel
ebraie the fftieth anniversary of their we'd
ding day. A pleasant evening was spent In
coeial intercourse, when the company departe
for their homes, leaving behind them num-
Der OF elegant, costly and useful presents
Among those present were Rev Mr.. Randall,
who performed the marriage ceremony fifty
years ago, and his wife, the sister OF Mrs.
Randlette, and her husband, who stood up
with the youthful pair at the time; also sever
al great grandchildren Of Mr.. and Mrs. Rand
lette. Mr. II. is senior member of the firm OF
VIM. Randlette \ Co., the well known boot
and shoe dealers hero for many years.
Preparations are being made for the general
observance OF Memorial Day in this village.
PEN