National Republican., 1883-07-06

Quite corps. de- ballet-some
Make stories tally y-somo
With wicked friends. Stakeholder
THE Boston Post has discovered that boy
is truly the happiest when he is making somebody
else miserable.
THESE, says the Omaha Republican, are the
days when great premium will be paid for u dry
barber with no breath.
HEARD in a laundry: Me no takee tlade
dor Mo sabee allie samee Mclean man. Me no
foolee."-NeW York CommerciaL
Ben BUTLER's health has been injured by
overwork. This moves the omaha Republican to
say that Benjamin must have had very little
original health.
GIRLS have always been fond of soldiers,
and they kiss Gen. Sherman because he is the
head of the army. They will have their Phil
when Sherman retires.-Neto Orleans Ptcayune
SAYS the Rev. DR.. Deems: al know men
down on Wall street who are as pure as any saints
ever saw" The force of this assertion largely
depends on accurate knowledge as to how many
saints the doctor ever saw
CALLED to explain, Rev. Minot j. Savage
says; II am mn evolutionist in my science and
theist in my religion" II seems that he has a
ligion Of his own, and Heaven alone knows what
itis.-New Orleans Ptcdyttne.
AN eastern scientist has discovered that in
toxicating liquor can be mado out of sawdust
Afler awhile science will have this thing down so
fine that a man can get his regular morning cook
tail by simply turning over in bed and chewing
the leg ofa chair.
BIsMARcK is very i'll with jaundice, so his
physician says. but 1t is whispered the Armours
and Fowlers hired an assassin to administer
American pork TO him secretly, and that IL IA
really the gout which troubles him. Good Amer
ican pork is worse than frogs legs in causing gout.
THE most serious setback among the allo-
paths Is due to the fact that their great malarial
antidote has, in one case, signay failed. In the
land to which Peruvian bark is indigenous, the
whole nation is afflicted with the shakes and Chilli
sensations. Bolivia, this is fair statement of the
case.
A PROCESS has been invented by which
heavy planks can be manufactured from straw.
All, yes, now we understand what makes the
strawberry shorLcake at our hotel so thoroughly
waterproof and solid. The flooring and roof of
the same are manufactured by this process from
the straw in the berries. And that also explains
another mystery, to wit, viz: What becomes of
the strawberries.
AMERICAN mosquitoes have made their ap-
pearance in London. Their nationality was dis
covered from the fact that they carried jack
knives and "talked through their noses" They
also had IN. j." embroidered on their backs.
When these pests reach Germany Bismarck will
issue proclamation against them, but he will
find that he has not got the American hog TO deal
with.-Norrtstogn Herald.
ANTON BEsALT is before a Milwaukee
court on charge of quadlygamy, or whatever
they call 1t when man has the misfortune to
marry four wives. The spouses are scattered
around the country, and the suit is brought by
one living In Milwaukee. Anton speaks in seven
languages, but he will find himself unable to keep
up his end of the conversation when the other
three wives put in an appearance, even ifhe talks
all seven tongues at once
TAKEN from Life: Nine. d'Angebille, vet
eran Alps climber, made great fuss about it be-
cause once, when she was about go years of age,
she climbed the NIatterhorn with only one guide,
and at night she was left alone on the mountain
side, while the guide moseyed Off to distant
chalet for n light Land of love, as though that
was anything wonderful Alonel In the darkl
On the mountain At 90 years By Helen's glove,
she'd have been safe on Aprairie.
NEW ORLEANS PdcdJune: Misery may like
| company, but wickedness must have it. . There
| is Fair way for every church to get out of debt
When doctors fall out the druggists clerk gets
| his work In. Political platforms must be made
to ft the men who are to run. :. 1t is said men
who have but little business are great takers. 1t
is not SO with auctioneers. 1T is said the wooden
| trinkets made from wood grown at the home of
Walter Scott are devastating the forests of Maine.
| THE contract between Shook & Collier, of
| the Union Square theater New York city, and
| Mckee Rankin as their "leading m an" to replace
CHARLES Thorne, calls for $500 for forty two weeks
or about $4,000 year. This is said to be better
pny than his starring tours ever yielded Rankin
for the services both of his wife and himself His
wife CSitty Blanchard) is no longer able TO play
| having become an invalid. Rankin is building
theater of his own. and wishes to remain in New
| York to supervise IT..
| THAT is an odd and rather complicated
case that is puzzlins the courts of Pennsylvania
| town. During the trial Of a man for murder six
| of the jurors attended by constable went to
| church one Sunday and listened 10 sermon from
the text, "Thou shalt not kill" At the close of
the trial they brought in q verdict OF guilty, and
| now the prisoners counsel desire new trial on
the ground that the jury was unduly Influenced
by the sermon. The case presents good oppor-
tunity for some hair splitting arguments as to
what is "undue influence"
"DID understan' der char to say prog
nosticate to bizness ?" inquired the Rev. Penstock
as he carefully rose up. "You did, sah." YES,
ahem, yes. De char didn't mean purceed, did
hep "No. sab" "Aheml Jist SO presume
dc char am awar' dat prognostlcate doan' mean
purceed" "Brudder PeustoekW sharply an
IbNcIeu inc pEChlutHli hIu hWOfe Oh dc
fack dat prognostcate doan mean purceed, per-
ambulate, nor persimmons. When fin myself
unable TO handle any word in de English Ian
guage shall call in do iiah department. sot
down sah-sot down, an let de meetin prognosl-
cate P-DetrOh Free Press.
SOME time ago rich old man, who was
dying. sent in great haste for the editor of this
paper Tho editor knew that the old fellow had
no relatives, and iondy mused as he went along
over the probability Of a large inheritance. I'm
glad you've come" said the old man, in deathly
whisper. "Come closer" The editor approached
"You know that have worked hard, and that ]
have earned every cent / have got. Some time
ago, you remember, subscribed for your paper
for six months. There is just one more number
due me, and as am dying, and can't wait till
your next issue comes out, just give me q nickel
and wen call 1t square. ."-Arkansai0 Traveller.
GIF you are going to play practical joke
o Zen with your wifc.pe quite sure first that she
is one OF those who can take joke Some people
are not furnished with that faculty Not long
: ago Mrs. Charles Baldwin, of St. Joseph, Mo-, re.
ceyed postal order for s22 and gave it to hel
husband to cash. BY way of a joke he handed
her only $50, exolalming that the posoice charges
were 81. Thinking that this was an exorbitan
fee, she complained, without her husbands knowl
edge, 20 her mother who had sent the posla
order, and she in turn complained to the office a
Tnien a had been drawn. The postmaster for
warded a statement of the case to Washington
ana the department forthwith sent Inspector Met