davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

Enthusiastic Professor of Physics,
discussing the organic and inorganic
kingdom: "Now, if / should shut
my eyes-so-and drop my head-so
and should not move, you would
say was a clod. But i move, leap,
| run; then what do you call me ~
Voice from the rear; "a clod-hop-
perp Class is dismissed.-Vassar
Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

business Cards, one year, dollar for every line
Local Notices ton cents per line for each insertion
and all notices continued for three months or longer
discount of 20 per cent.
Advertisements unaccompanied by verbal or written
directions viii be published three months.
Advertisements, under contract, ordered out 10.
lore expiration Of time, will be charged full rates
No paper discontinued until all arrearages are paid
except at the option Of the publisher.
Transient advertisements must be paid In advance
kITerms Cash, payable quarterly.
Only Metal Cuts inserted.
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

The cork is the article that often
gets in a tight place.-New York Ad,
vertiser.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

The jar of railway train is not
Theoretically sealed.-New York
News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

The pawnbrokcr takes unusual in
tcrest in his business. The mariner
who casts the sounding lead has great
depth of feeling. No matter how
high-priced roses may be, they can
always be bought for scent. 1t is as
tonishing how modest an empty pock-
et-book is. 1t shrinks from publicity.
-Book-Keeper.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

Everything seems to move in q
circle. While, for instance, the law
yers are looking up the authorities
the authorities are looking up the
criminal, and the criminal in turn has
to look up the lawyers.-Boston
Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04
WIT AND HUMOR.

Woman's dough-main-the kitchen.
Boston Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

1t is said 1900 years ago the In
dians indulged in Turkish baths" "
Yes, it must have been all of 200
years ago. To judge from the one we
saw last, it might have been 1000
years ago.-Jersey City Tattler.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

"Say, stranger" said tramp ap-
preaching guest at well known
Williamsport hotel, edo you think
thirteen is an unlucky number?"
"Yes," was the answer. "Then lend
me S12," said the Bohemian.-Wil-
Transport Breakfast Table.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

"Yes," said the mother of daugh.
ter, 81 shall stop Mr.. Tommy's call
ing without any trouble or unpleas.
antness. shall merely ask him to
stop to dinner and then invite him to
carve" Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

Inn-competency-fortunes derived
from hotel keeping.-New York Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

A sound thrashing-the waters of
Long Island in q storm. "Home,
Sweet Home"-where the children
are pulling molasses candy. A cruise
that too many are apt to take-Santa
Cruz.-Boston Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

Two ladies were coming out of the
theater. Seeing the other drop her
play-bill, one of them exclaimed
"Why, Mrs. Blank, do you always
throw your program away / should
think you would like to keep it for a
momentum. Boston Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

Seeing company of immigrants
riding through the streets, Brown
spoke of sandy-haired man in a
Scotch cap as a descendant of Rob
Roy. "And that other fellow in vel
veteen," said Fogg, "what is he, a
descendant of corduroy ?'-Boston
Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

An exchange says the railroad OF
the future will be run by electricity
Then there'll be no boiler explosions,
but shocking" accidents will be
more liable to occur than ever
Philadelphia Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04

Some great thinker once said
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04
9HB GREATEST VICTORY Of MEDICAL SCIENCE.
New Trial Sizes, 10 cents.
Regular Size, 30 and 20 cents.

II is pleasant 10 take, and cures as il by magic
Colds, Coughs, Asthma, Influenza, Hoarseness
Difficult Breathing, and all affections of the Throat
bronchial Tnhes and Lungs lending
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04
Flint & Pere Marquette R. R

The shortest, quickest, and most reliable route TO
and from Detroit, Toledo, Cleveland, Cincinnati,
Saginaw and Bay City.
GOING EAST, SOUTH AND WEST.
Leave Alpsna daily, except Sunday, by Alpona
and Standish line OF stages at n. IN.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04
AdamSOn'S S Couch BaISam

IS Tor sale by all respectable Druggists and country
Dealers. Prices, i0c., 35c. and 75c. Large bottles
cheapest 5S5yl
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04
j. G. Wall. Publisher.

Best Advertising Medium ON the Shore
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-04-04
CONSUMPTION.

Ii is Prepared from Highly Concentrated Vegeta
bic Extracts and Barks Gums and Roots of Won.
derful healing Properties, and this Balsam is high,
commended by Clergymen, Eminent Physicians and
Scientific Men everywhere, testimonials from whom
we can furnish without number
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
Langtry And Her Freddy.

Ramdsell writes from Washington:
Freddy with Mrs. Langtry is simply
convenience. He is devoted; he is handy
to have around; he furnishes her houses;
he is always ready to serve her; he
walks with her; he sits with her; he is
her company. If he makes her pres
ents of costly gems and seuanders his,
great fortune on her, it is none of my
business, for she is not roDbing me. If
she and he are satisfied, and the, neg
lected Mr.. Langtry does not complain,
what business is it of ours?.' Ii helps the
jewellers, and they are very deserving
class, even if they do make enormous
profits on their wares. Freddy, when
saw him, was dressed like young New
York !. entleman of fortune aud leisure
"a tall silk hat, not too new, q black
cutaway coat and vest tn match, and
close trousers of mixed black and gray.
His shoes were pointed ut the toes aud
tightly laced. His necktie was white.
or nearly white scarf, held by hand-
some pin. In his. hands he carried a
sllver-headed cane and pair of gloves.
When he went into the street he lighted
cigar and strolled gracefully and leis-
unely up the avenue"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
An Artists Delicate Hint.

The New York correspondent of the
Washington Capital writes that Mr..
Healey had, some time since, as SUBJ
ject for portrait, a young southern lady,
who came to his studio so bedizzened
with paint and powder that every char
acteristic line was obliterated. Mr..
Hea]y, of course, was in a dilemma. He
could not order the girl to 20 and wash
her face: He would lose his commits.
sion, and he is too polite gentleman.
He could not lay the same paint on can
vas that there was on her face: it would
not be satisfactory to the family. When
the sketch was lined in he rose from his
seat, sat down beside his subject. and
kindly asked her if she was feeling az
well as usual. Surprised, of course. She
replied that she was. "But, Miss Jones,
you walked from your hotel, did YOU
not?" Eyes" "And yon came hurried
~ upstairs, without stoppin. to rest?"
why, yes, of course" "Ah, yes, Miss
Jones, but you see. though you may not
be feverish, you haveexerted yourself so
severely that there is so much color in
your face that I fear it would mislead
me. Now, tomorrow, if YOU will be
good, please battle your chsaks in cold
water the last thing, come in a close car
riage, and stop and lest yourself upon
the sofa you will find on each landing.
In that way am sure we shall have no
more trouble" His speech had the de-
sired effect. The faint flush ON her face
when she came the next day was per-
fectly natural, and did not at all retard
the picture.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
Taken From Life.

About forty years ago a handsome
young Frenchman was at the head of an
aristocratie French school on the Staten
Island flights, just back of Brighton.
Among bis pupils was the daughter OF
the naughty Bigelow family. then prom
inent in New York society. To reduce
two-volume romance to paragraph, I
can only say that the French professor
fell in love with Miss Bigelow, and she
vowed she would rather die and take
her chances in the other world than to
live without him. Her parents opposed
and threatened, and there were terrible
times in the social circles Of New York
and Staten Island. Finally the lovers
settled the difficulty by get.
ting married. Miss Bigelow was
disinherited. Two lovely cherubs
brother and sister-were the result Of
the marriage, and for once love ran
smoothly after marriage. Nothing, how
ever, is certain in this Elusive life; both
father and mother fell ill and died yery
suddenly. The two little orphans were
taken to Boston and educated by
wealthy relatives of the family.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
Among the funny Men.

A grand DANES irony: An old lady
was asked her opinion about Mrs. Smith,
her next-door neighbor. "Well," she
anybody, but I feel very sorry for Mr..
Smith. 'IRcchester Post Express.
This is the season when the saloon
keeper scatters pound of sawdust and
few old cigars stubs in his backyard and
calls it beer park.
The dude in Kentucky: "Do you see
that young man going along there?"
eyes; what of it," "He's got girl ON the
BRAIN" 'tAa; judging from his appear
ance the girl must have a soft sit."-
Kentucky State Journal.
Proud Mr.. Blobbs-"If my boy amt
going to he president, signs don't count.
Why, that boy'll run away from school
every day to 10 a-hshing."
One of the knowing heather: A Port
land (Oregon) Chinese peddler refused
an English shilling offered as two bit
piece, saying: NO good. Me heap sape.
No chicken on him."
"You say your wife is trying to get a
divorced" said the lawyer. "Yaw," an
swered Hans Spreckendeutch. "Yaw,
dot is &c." "And now you want to see
Jacob Schneider" "Yaw.,' "Was she
good wife?" 'eNo, she vas bad wom-
ans. She runs NIT the poys." "Did you
love her very much?" "No, I'm petter
midout her. "WelI, if she was bad
woman, and you are better without her,
you are not damaged it jacob Schneider
takes her off your hands," "Yaw, it looks
like dot, amt it. Msbbe it's better I
don't say nuttings aboud it. But, by
shiminies. pities that Jacob Schneider"
THE Bookkeeper.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
A Story With q Great Deal Of
Life In 1t.

The departments were just beginning
to disgore the great slices of humanity
that they had swallowed in the morn
ing. I was standing by one of the
great piles as the men and women began
to come out slowly at first. The first
two or three, warned by experience,
had umbrellas, under which they went
jogging slowly home at clerks gait.
;; The fourth was woman in widows
clothing-rather shabby clothing which
had been worn long time. She was
seemed broken with a weight of bad
years-a sad memory of better days.
The carriage of the secretary was roll
ing to and fro before the big entrance of
the building. His gray. whiskered COL
ored coachman with difficulty restrained
his blooded horses. The secretary was
| signing his name great many times on
great many different documents in his
lofty, velvety Office. lie might be out in a
minute. He might not be out for an hour.
Just as the ghost]y widow came slowly
down the big steps the fire old COACH
man turned his prancing pair toward the
entrance. The poor old gentlewoman
came down to the sidewalk with an evi.
dent difficulty which spoke of rheuma-
tism. She was perplexed and puzzled
by the unexpected rainstorm. She had
no umbrella, and don't believe she
had car fare. The black angel on the Sec
retary's carriage spied her as she stood
in the pouring rain, and recognized un-
der all times DISCUSSES the features her
fashionable friends had not seen for
years. 1t's. wonderful what sharp eyes
these good old colored "uncles'' and
"mommies" have. He drove up to the.
curb, at once and leaning over on his
perch invited The poor puzz ed woman
to get into the secretary's carriage and
ride home. Without a thought of the
consequences to the faithful old fool on
the box she murmured her address, for
tunately near at hand, and sank back
luxuriously on the cushions of the
handsome carriage. Taking all the risks
the fine old fellow drove carefully vet
quickly to the shabby clearinghouse.
and was back long before the secretary
was ready for him. I would never have
known had the loyal old servant not
told me that the widows husband was
general who was famous when the secre-
tary was unknown, tn ugh I could
have been quite sure that old Thomas
drove her carriage when she had one
Washington, Correspondence Philadel-
mia Record
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18

struck out foF. herr She became 8
lessor 81 EiocutioI ii Vassars College. ]
Her brother also dlsliked 10 be a. burden
to his relativ yes, and when the war brOke
out he enlisted in the artillery service
and went away to fight for glory and so
month. Not getting killed he was able
to return and participate in the ways Of
peace. In due time lie found himself at
the head Of q big manufacturing business
in the enterprising city Of Chicago: He,
was also, engaged to an accomplished
rows at her door. Prosperity seemed to
have q mortgage on their. future, and all
was going we'll until the great
fire reduced everything to ashes.
from the root when the young man
reached his house. He saved but one
thing; it was q large painting of his
mother. He buried it in the garden
amid showers of cinders. Then extin-
gushing his clothes which were on fire,
he drove to another house mile away,
reaching it in time to recue his sweet.
heart. Their marriage soon followed.
I have long been interested in the ca
reer of this young man. First he was an
engineer; then a Journalist; then miner
in the lofty mountains in the San Juan
country; then an expert in Mexico for q
Wall street syndicate, and at last he
found responsible position in a wealthy
powder company. He was very success
full, and he went out to superintend the
blasting of.some iron mines in Pennsyl-
vania. To show the superiority of his
own powder over dynamite he used both
compounds. The dynamite exploded
prematurely, and when we stood BY his
coffin Columbus avenue, Boston, it
seemed pitiful that among all the people
in this great world life so young and
full of promise should be snuffed out
like candle. This death of William A.
LIE Row-so sudden, so unnecessary
is another proof of the treacherous, ter
rible power Of Observation-Disclosures
Capital
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18

merry estab iishinen,s. Vet the tanheriesj
have year after year, packed from 400, y
600 to $50, 900! cases, depending sole. " on
the fish that escape to their natural
spawning grounds. It can easily be es-
timated what future awaits this grow
ing industry when a hatchery has been
established able to turn out millions Of
fish annually, and their wholesale de-
struction stopped. Perhaps then 2, O00, 900
cases might be packed which would be a
of 10, OOO,0OO about one-fourth of which
would be net. During the fifteen years
the revenue derived fir pm fishing in the
Columbia river was about $25,000, 600.
There were S60,0OO cases of salmon
packed on tho Pacific coast last year, the
value of which was $4,300,00O. This
would leave SOC. OOO cases for canneries
outside of the Columbia river. When
salmon fishing began here fifteen
three times what it is now, or
SIS a case. If the wholesale destruction
of fish is not stopped, and hatcheries are
not soon established, the supply will
soon be like the last run of shad, and
the price will advance. But there is
considerable salmon fishing in Alaska,
three canneries being in existence
there, and recent reports refer to the
establishment of another
The ''scooping" wheels, upon which
salmon are caught, resemble the old
fashioned "undershot Wheel" They
are built upon embellishments or protect
ing rock, so that the wheel will be. in
the water when the stream rises. OF
course, ,hey are built in the low-water
season. The wheels have plank paddles
so that the water running down stream
sets the wheel in motion, and the sal
wheel and literally broken. They fall
into a schute," something like wood
drive and slide down into boxes. A
wheel scoops I'D 5000 Or 4,UO0 salmon a
night. There is no law to prevent this
wholesale slaughter and destruction, but
there is loud cry for it.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
COLUMBIA SALMON.

Great Prosperity of Fisheries
Wholesale Destruction of Fish.
A letter in the San Francisco Chronicle
from Portland Oregon, says: Salmon
Fl hing will begin about April 20. 1t sci.
dom begins before that time, because the
run is very light, and there being more
floating-snags and drift-wood in the river
than at any other time, the nets are cas-.
lily destroyed. The season lasts four
months. A boat. net and sienal-light
cost from $500 to 5000. There is q general
disposition to center the salmon canning
business at that ancient little town, as it
seems to be the cheapest place of opera.
tions, for if the fisheries were furthe,
up the Columbia tug boats would have tc
be employed to bring back the fishing.
boats. Yet the lower bay ut the mouth
Of the Columbia is very stormy during
the fishing season during which there is
often loss of life and great deal of dem
ger and hardship. This is one reason
the Colum ola salmon cost more than the
Sacramento salmon.
Fishermen wno have their own boat
and nets are paid go cents salmon
weighing eight pounds. Those whose
boats are furnished by the company are
paid As cents a salmon. One of the firm
has raised the price to 70 cents fish
but the others refuse to see the elevation.
Salmon are packed in one pound cans
and 48 cans make a case, the average
price of a case being S. or $500. The
product of the 36 canneres on the Col
lnlbia river last year was 535, 900 cases,
worth So, 782. 900. 1t is estimated that
the capital invested in these canneri..s
is about $780, 900. When it is known
that fishing-boats cost $500 or $500 each,
and that some of the fishing firms have
100 boats, and that a total of about I. 600
men are employed the cost can readily
The salmon product is shipped to San
Francisco for reshipnent to Aus
tralia, the Eastern States, and
islands in the Pacific ocean. The re-
mainder is shipped from Astoria to Liv-
erpol OF London. One vessel recently
left with 1000 cases worth 1851, 900, the
m ,st valuable cargo of salmon ever
shipped from the Pacific coast.
The continued run of salmon in the
Columbia is remarkable, considering the
great destruction of fish by traps and
the merciless iron wheels that ilnpale
them like Spanish garote. There is q
sentiment in abolishing this wholesale
destruction of fish, and it is likely that a
law will be passed prohibiting it. The
law against fishing between Saturday
night and Monday morning is not rigid
ly enforced. This law was passed in or
der to allow the fish to ascend to their
spawning grounds. But in this whole
sale and untimely destruction the PEG.
pie are destroying the 7ery source Of
their revenue. 1t is proposed by the
cannery proprietors to establish a hatch
cry. Some "public spirited" people
think the state should @ :
tablish q hatchery for the benefit of can
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
Humorous Waits.

Making him feel at home.-Enfant
Terrible-O, papa, do ask Mr.. Gobe-
moucae to swallow his napkin. Guest
(smilingly)-Why do you wish me to do
that, Miss Alice? Alice <earnestly)-O,
because mamma says you will swallow
anything.-Harvard Lampoon.
The first bite kills the beast: 1T sup
pose you have heard of our dudes, Miss
Clarwa?" observed New York swell to
Jacksonville girl. "Oh, yes," she an
swered, "they are becoming very pop
ular in Florida. We use them for ALI
gator bait"
A congressional bon mot: During the
last days Western member of the
house, vindicating himself upon the
floor, struck Henry Clay attitude and
cried out, with all the fervor of original
conviction: "Sir, I'd rather be right
than be president" "Don't worry your
self about that" shouted another mem
Der across the aisle. "you'll never be
either"
Worse than the cavalry-"Thirty-Rve
lawyers in Greenville to. day?" said an old
soldier; "why, that is as large as General
Wheeler's war" eyes," Said a man
who had just lost his case" 'and they
are doing more harm than all the cavalry
on both sides during the last war;
Meriwether (Ga.) Vindicator.
selfdenial not necessary: "Yes,"
said Biges, IT enjoy a glass now and
then; but I deny myself fearing that 1
might take too much and say something
foolish" ''Nonsense" said Foge:
"drink if you likelt. Say what you will,
nobody will ever suspect that you've
been drinking-that is, nobody who
knows you, you know"
A London clergyman says death is a
grim subject to jest upon, and then adds:
"1t must be very awkward in the other
world before one knows ones way about,
and while one is liable to fall across
ones old acquaintance"
Bretzel and the telephone: Herr
Bretzel, who has just had telephone
put up, calls for the repairer next day.
-"Look here, my vrent, tidn't YOU
dole me dot dellervone shpeake Cher
man urd converse in Cherman? Re-
pairer-"Yes, sir" Herr "Vell.
py chiminetty! l dalk Cherman to dol
dellervone yesdertay, nit bolideness.
qnd Ply. unit by it say. Hello phawt the
diyil air ye jabberin'? Come off, We
ould DutchyW l ton'd allow no deller-
vone to sass me dot way. Donnerheim-
mel! Dake id avay!'-Life.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18
Ignorance of Mexicans as to Com
mon Matters.

There are some peculiar qualities of
the Mexican mind which will, for a
while, stand in the way of quick pro.
gress. Thus, very few of them will buy
their railroad tickets until the train is in
full view of the station, and, until q short
time ago, preferred paying their cash to
the conductor. They have an incompre-
hensibIe itching to defer any enterprise,
or even trivial work, until the morrow.
Where these defects of their disposition
and training are understood, and pa
tience and management are exercised,
fair service can be got out of them. As
exemplifying how little Mexicans know
of the rights of common carriers. the
other day, when Gen. Diaz stopped here,
the company, asa courtesy, rendered the
municipality the use of their cars for the
generals party. Thereupon the city
authorities undertook to let everybody
have free ride, and until the matter
was legally explained to them, threatened
the railway people. These mistakes of
the Mexicans in their dealing with our
people spring not 80 much from desire
to annoy as from ignorance.-Monterey,
(Mex.) Correspondence New York Sun.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1883-05-18

Mr.. Labouchere has remarkable
libel suit on his hands, tho court of
queens bench having just granted rule
nisi for criminal information against
him, at the instance Of tile Duke of
Vallambrosa. In the course of an article
about society at Cannes, published when
Mr.. Gladstone was stopping there, MI.
Laboucl.ere expressed his general con-
tempt for the duke Of Vallambrosa,
whose father, he said, was nearly hanged
because, when he was an army con-
tractor in the French service, he sup.
piled as meat to a French army corps the
ilcsh of soldiers who had died in hos.
pitfalls, or who had been killed in battle.
1t is said that Mr.. Labouchere, if forced
to defense. will plead the truth Of this
statement