The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1883-05-18
A L1ME KILN CLUB SCIENTIFIC LECTURE

a LlMG Kiln CLUB SCiEAT-kIC LECTURE.
The President stated that Prof Holdback
Remington, the great colored Ohio scientist
and philosopher, whose advent had been
predicted at the last meeting, was now
present in the ante-room and shiverng with
cold and shaking with impatience He had
been in the city for three days, during
which time he had frozen his heels and dis
covered that the sun was LOCO, 600 miles
nearer the earth at this point than in Cleve-
land.
The Committee on Reception then drew
on their red mittens, parted their hair in
the center, and disappeared in search of the
distinguished visitor. He was conducted
to the platform, formally introduced, and,
as he moistenod his, bronchial. tubes with
few swallows of hard cider, he led off:
"My frens," he began, Il has been in
wited to spoke te you on de sabjeck of sci
ence. I has no doubt dat some of You has
heard de word spoken. or seen it in print
at some time; but how little de majority of
you have eber realized de beauties, de ex-
tent, an de power of science! Science has
had hard struggle, but she am now top
of de heap an kin reward her frens and for
give her enemies. How do we know that
de airth revolves on her axle trees, same as
de wheels of a wagon? Science has told us.
How do we know how to cross de oshun !?
Science pints de way. How do we know
CAT de great desert of dis day was once all
oshun? Science has dug down and foun'
clam shells and sharks iaw-bones. Widout
sciencerweshonld be world widout over
coats IN winter or sodywater in summer
We would fall from harvest apple trees an
pick ourselvesup widout knowin' wheeler
grabitashuu or agitashun made us come
down instead Of goin' up. We should see
de moon, same as now, but some would say
it was inhabited by monkeys, and odders
would have an idea dat it was a splendif
efous locality for persimmon grove. De
sun would rise and sot an warp de shingles
on de roofs, but men would 60 round bluffih'
for bets dat she wasn't fifty miles away an
was held in place by wires"
Here the orator paused to scratch his
back and take another drink of cider, and
amid stiffness almost solemn he continued: ::
Science has done much, but it hasn't
done huff 1t has giben us de mariners
compass, but we have no masheen shops
whar' bow legged men kin drap in on der
way UP home an git de crook Strengthened
while dey wait. 1t has giben us steam, but
we still crawl under de house to thaw out
frozen water pipes, de same as de Roman
Senators did 9, 1000 years ago. 1t has giben
US grand suspenshun bridges, but whar' am
dergas metre which registers in favor OBJ de
consumer 1t has giben us de telegraff,
but what man among You eber sot eyes on
a boot jack which wouldn't miss hog jist
when you war puilin' .on wet boot de
hardest 1t has tunneled frew mountains,
but we hab foun' no better way ob making
de baby swaller caster lie dan by holdin' its
nose, same as Eye held Gains and Abers in
de beginnin.'
"My frens, I am not come here to expecto-
rate you wild a tiresome infatuation. Heed
well what have said. Snug'up to science.
She will keep you>cool in summer an pre-
vent de shrinkin' of your winter fannels
It is a deep subjec for research an incom-
patibility. an trustin' dat each one of you
may abdicate de refexun of de consequent
tial, will draw my brilliant climax to a
career. ."-Detrot Free Press.