The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1883-11-17
In a Sleeper.

III U SleepeTs
One of the most difficult things in this
world, next.to swimming the whirlpool
of Niagara, is to get into the upper berth
OF sleeping car, says the travelling man
of Texas Siftings. 1t is q dangerous
feat, as we'll as embarrassing. The up
per berth of sleeping car is as unpopu.
lar as a green watermelon. The time
worn saying that nothing comes by
chance is a misnomer. In attempting to
storm the battlements of an upper berth
it is O, grave chance if you ever succeed
in forcing an entrance. Upper berths
are very good openings for gynasts and
sailors. They afford rare opportunities
for them to show off. It is moving
and affecting sight to see the fat aud
habitually dignified head of family
iaboriously acquire possession of an up
per berth. The trouble usually begins
by the old gentleman expostulating with
the conductor for putting him SO high
up, and he begs that gilt-edged official
to try and make trade with some small
sized man who can easily climb up the
side of the car and crawl inside with little
or no difficulty. The commanding Off.
Ger of the quarter deck says he will see
what he can do about it, and then he
wanders off into the blue regions of the
smoking car and shakes dice with the
train boy for cigar. Meanwhile the fat
man waits and perspires and fumes and
curses all the officials of the road, from
the president down to the section bosses.
When the conductor saunters leisurely
back, he tells the fat man that nothing
can be done; no. one, he says, will ex-
change lower birth for an upper-no,
not even if the fat man will give some
thing to not.
That is just the way in this world, as
soon as anybody wants anything it i'm
mediately becomes valuable. Then the
| digniied fat man glares at the other pas.
sengers and waits until they have all re-
tired before he tries to get up into his
| berth.
There are several different ways o1
| forcing an entrance into an upper berth
You can hire the porter for two bits to
| give you leg up, but this method is
liable to attract attention and excite un-
| generous and sarcastic remarks. The
dignifed fat man has regular circus
First, swinging himself by the curtain
! bar, he tries to go in feet first, but he
can't let go the rail without tumbling
back again into the aisle. The porter
helps him out of this fix, and the fat man
tries a new deal. This time he steps on
the ear of sleeping beauty in the lower
berth, aud the sleeping beauty knocks
| the pins out from under him and the fat
man retires to the wash room to battle his
| nose and abuse monopolies and the &C.
commodations of the travelling hotel.
Then he gets the porter to bring a
camp-stool; he gets upon it, catches
hold of the brass rod above, and is about
to spring for the berth, when the camp
stool doubles up, and in his efforts to
save himself from coming down with a
dull thud" he wildly grabs the bell
cord, and stops the train, and the con-
ductor comes in and uses language to
| him, and the passengers all wake up and
use more language, and the dignified
passenger even wishes he were dead or
that he had more clothes on. Finally he
manages to crawl into the upper berth
and he boils over with malicious
thoughts for the bankruptcy of the rial
| road company. It is full hour before
| he relapses into slumber and then the
horrible suspicion flashes across him
| that the berth may become loosened in
some way from the catch, and spring up
| against the ceiling of the Car and
smother him. He sleeps no more till
daylight and then he has to Jump out
and dress hurriedly, for the train is run
ming into the city.
The boy in the sleeping car usually
travels with his mother, pale, care
worn woman who is going somewhere to
meet her husband. He keeps his mother
| in condition of mental distress all the
| time. He tampers with the window,
hurts his fingers and how1s; he swings
between the seats and falls on the back
| of his head. He disappears, and when
his mother is about to faint, believing
that he has fallen off the train, he is dis
covered riding on the brake on the
rear platform. When rescued and
back to his mother he yells again.
/ The boy in the sleeping car does not
know how to modulate his voice. He
talks in loud key. This is sometimes
very embarrassing when the train stops
embarrassing to the other passengers
but not to the boy. If you ever trav
eled you have met this boy, havn't you!
and he has asked You what various arti-
cles of your wearing apparel cost you,
and he has made disinterested attempts
to entertain you by showing you his
bruised thumb, and you have seen him
in the wash room gorging himself with
ice water and tormenting the porter with
questions regarding the distance to the
next station, and you have seen him in
the smoking apartment timparting fam
lily secrets to a drummer. Certainly
/ you have seen him and you have heard
him, and you have felt him when be
climbed over your feet and dropped
some of his greasy lunch on your trous'
ers, and You have wished that he was
your boy for just three minutes, thai
you might teach him manners; and you
have thought you would like to do II
with shawl strap with large buckle
at the end of it, haven't you?
A good stretch on the longitudinal
cushioned seats of the caboose of a
freight train is many points ahead of the
best upper berth ever invented for pal
ace sleeping car, and we don't care who
knows it.