The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-01-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

WV az idIO luc OtucI uul We uhp
ruined by Chinese cheap labor.
Among the novelties for 1888 the
Philadelphia Ne,os announced an al
manac with new joke in il.
The man who swallowed silver dol
lar said that it rather ''cramped" him
financially, but it had q capital" taste.
A Japanese woman delights in Il doll.
while an American girl dotes on u dol
man.
Staid old maidens do not look upon
the new hugging waltz rs the proper
caper.
Eldest daughter Gagged lO): II wonder
what made ma marry PAP He is not at
all the sort Of man should have cared
forP'
Prof. Proctor still sticks to it that this
earth was formed at least 10000. 600
years ago, and yet we love to talk
about our grandfathers' days.
A wag, speaking of friend whom he
suspected of living altogether beyond
his means, observed that he believed he
would owe several thousand dollars
after all his debts were paid"
The two hackmen who robbed Texas
travellers are evidently trying to raise
enough to 60 up to Niagara Falls, where
they can charge 81 per minute and live
honest
Most men will chin and dodge and
back at you on any argument, but not
may will allow another to split hairs on
the question of Next in y barber
shop when it's his turn.
Nora Perry says in II recent letter:
lam not surprised ut anything MIR.
Howells says" Now is the time for
Mr.. Howells to remark that Nora is
prettier than Mrs. Langtry.
Yes" said the fair but false young
vocalist to Bumbleton. "that is an old
English song with 4 refrain" abr
replied the crusty critic, "that just suits
me. Refrain from singing it."
First swell: "By Jove, Fred, that is
quite the highest collar I've struck YET"
Second swell: Think so. old manP
Well, don't mind telling you; it's
little idea of my own. It's one of
fathers cuffs.
What is the meaning of the word
tantalizing?" asked the teacher
please, marm," spoke up little Johnny
Holcom, lit means circus procession
passing the school-housc, and the
scholars not allowed to look OUT
The crown prince of Germany the
other day met Frau Lucca in Berlin.
MADAM" he said, IL am sure you de-
serve very much pity "WhyP" asked
the astonishcd prima donna. because
you cannot hear Lucca."
Butcher: "For dnnero Yes, ma am.
Nice quarter OF lamb, ma'am" Mrs.
Tur.ledovc ca bride of two weeks):
"Oh, but there are only two of us!
Don't YOU think an eighth would do as
well?"
Teacher: "Can you multiply together
numbers?n They appear I'M
certainly Teacher: "What will be the
product of forty apples multiplied by
six pounds of beef" Small boy, tri-
"Mincc pies"
A married lady declined to tell -
maiden sister any of her troubles, say
ing, when ignorance is bliss It's folly
to be wise" Yes" replied the sister,
land I've come to the conclusion that
when singleness is bliss It's folly to be
wives"
The Irishman had correct apprecia.
lion of the fitness of things who, being
asked by the Judge, when he applied
for license to sell whisky, II he was Of
good moral character, replied: Faith,
yer honor, | don't see the necessity of
good moral character to sell whisky"
The remark of the pious -Eneas. the
classic exclamation, "Horresco refer
EMS shudder 10 relatc'--iS sup
posed to be the prototype of the modern
II should blush to muir
muir II should litter to ejaculate,"
tic. 1t sounds Ike the remark any ass
s liable TO MAKE.
A woman in Akron, Ohio, bothered
the Central Telephone Office for an
hour and a half trying TO get her hus-
bands ear, to tell him an important
piece of news. When she was put in
with him, all she had to
say was: 'Baby's got a tooth through"
A Fairhaven 5-year old WENT to school
Tor the first time, came home &C noon.
and said to his mother: Mamma,
don't think that teacher knows much"
why not, my dcarP' why she
Kept asking questions all the time. She
asked where the Mississippi river was"
You say your wife gets mad and
raises row?" II should say she did.
She makes enough fuss to run freight |
rain forty miles an hour" But if you
1new that she was in the habit of get
ing mad, why did you marry herP"
Because if ! had held back she would |
nave got madden than ever
When man wakes up in boarding
house with an unpleasant series of
jumps all over him, ne knows that his
mattress has been put on the bed of
some new conner who has rented one of |
he inexpensive rooms. 1t is fortunate
or the occupants of hall bedrooms that
clearinghouse napkins are all equal.
Dispatches from Egypt state that the
wives of the Bodouins who murdered
Prof. Palmer have been captured and
will be held As hostages for the murderers.
{ is not believed by married men, how
'ver, that any of the Bedouins connect
d with the tragedy will become lame
h. 81 k,