Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-12-10

And how much they could drink the standard
of fame
young married man whose house
rent is paid by his mother-in-law, alludes
to her as his darling pay-rent.
1t often happens that a man runs in
society as lion for long time before it
is discovered that he is an ass.
Gladstone has stood being a member of
parliament for fifty-one years. There is
no question that the old man is tough.
Massachusetts girls are looking long
ingly towards California, where woman
only % years old has had five husbands.
The Brooklyn Eagle thinks it better to
have less pomp at wedding ceremonies
and more pork and potatoes afterwards.
1t isn't because a woman is exactly
afraid of a cow that she runs away and
screams. It's because gored dresses are
not fashionable.
A fellow who married a poor girl said
he married her to take care of her, but
when he stayed out late at night she
took hair of him.
Don't give up in despair, girls. Ma
omi didn't marry until she was $50 years
old. Then she was sorry she hadn't
waited century longer.
''Is old Mr. Spriggs an octogenarian,
map asked the high school girl of her
mother. "Oh, la, no, child" was the re-
ply. ''Hes Presbyterian of the bluest
kind"
eyes," he said, ''Ill get even with
that postmaster. I'll write mysterious
postal card to somebody in the village
and let him lie awake thinking what it
means.
A down east Yankee is advertising a
remedy for red noses. He gets great
many inquiries for the remedy, and sends
this reply. ''Keep on drinking till your
| nose turns blue
A newly married lady was telling an
other how nicely her husband could
write. eyes, know" was the freezing
reply: GIVE got bushel of em in my
trunk" Tableau.
Teacher to class of girls: ''Now what
do we learn from the parable of the wise
and foolish virgins?" Girls, decidedly
''That we watch hourly, that we miss not
our bridegroom when he comes.''
"Where do you suppose that gentleman
| is driving?" inquired an Austin man,
| pointing to a fashily- dressed fellow be-
hind stylish team. ''Into bankruptcy,
was the quick reply of byStander.
Yeast was invented in the year leven
! gambling in the year won; pianos in the
| year forte aestheticism in the year
''too;" the German negative in the year
''nein," and free lunches IN the year
s'ate.'
| A Philadelphia man in a sleeping cal
went through a terrible accident, in
which the sleeping car rolled down an
embankment, without waking. 1t was
noticed, however, that as the car struck
the bottom he murmurmed: 'tDon't, Jane
don't; I'll get up and start the fire."
A sneak thief caught in a Brooklyn
dwelling escaped by saying that he was q
| physician who had been called to the
house. The people were dreadfully
frightened. When they took him for q
thief they feared for their valuables, but
when he said he was physician they
trembled for their lives
''Let me see," said the young man Sat.
urday evening as he was going home from
his work; "my wages is Sc. l ken get q
horse and buggy tomorrow and take my
girl out ridin' for 81. That leaves So.
ken get along with $1.50 for spendin
money and will have so cents left to give
mother for board. I'll 60"
Professor Blackie once chalked on the
notice-board in college: .sThe Professor
is unable to meet his classes tomorrow.
| A waggish student removed the &c" leav.
ing Classes When the Professor re
turned, he noticed the new rendering
Equal to the occasion, the Professor
quietly rubbed out the 'l' and Joined il
the hearty laugh of the 'sasses."
An elderly gentleman was one morning
searching for his wig, which had myste
riously disappeared. He hunted for i
high and low until, losing all patience, ht
| adjourned to his matutinal meal without
it. "Have any Of you children seen m,
wig?" he asked sternly. Tommy had i
this morning" piped one little voice from
the far end of the table. .sWhat did yol
do with it, Tommy" the gentleman in
quired 'sGave it to the old hen to la,
in," returned the youngster.
A gentleman who was with Gen. Sher
man during his summer tour through tn
West says that at one post the Indian.
gathered around the great war chief, an,
one of their chiefs asked him to send then
some cannon. ssWhat do you want wit
cannon?" asked the general; ssyou woul
only use them to kill my soldiers with.
s'Oh, no; oh, no.; said all the chiefs i
unison, when the reply had been interpre
ted; s'not to kill soldiers with Ki
soldiers with sticks. Kill cowboys wit
cannon" The great war chief had notI
ing to say.
CONSUMPTION CURED.
An old physician, retired from practice, hayir
had placed in his hands by East India missio
airy the formula of simple vegetable remed
for the speedy and permanent cure of Consumptio
Bronchitis, Catarrh, Asthma and all throat and LuI
Affections, also positive and radical cure for Ne
8 vous Debility and all Nervous Complaints, aft
having tested its wonderful curative powers in tho
sands of eases, has felt it his duty make it know
TO his suffering fellows. Actuated by this mott
, and desire to relieve human suffering. viii sci
: free of charge, to all who desire it, this recipe,
German, French or English with full directions I
, | preparing and using. Sent by mail by addressil
with stamp, naming this paper. Wa MOVES, l