Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1883-03-16
CHAPTER Will

CHAPTER VIII.
sEIFOroRrURE.
Mis- Cuthbcrt wrote:
II find II almost impossible to write
about him, and yet my brain seems to
be aching with the desire to tell non.
Lucy, what my thoughts are about this
man. have again and again deter
mined 10 do II, and have sat for hours
with the pen in nv hqnd; hut the paper
remained blank, and had 10 rise as
much exhausted i'm body and mind as IL
i had done n severe days work. | do
not know why this should be when am
writing TO YOU, for l wish TO tell YOU
everything. and you understand that no
thought of sparing myselfwould check
my words; but in spite of oil my efforts
the idea which | am about TO set down
escapes before the pen touches the
paper. The very words seem to fy.
leaving me poworless To tell you any
thing commercially.
To-day feel stronger-because l
am angry; and / think / can show YOU
that the harshness with which Judged
him Mt first was not too harsh, as be.
gan To fear. After what he has said to-
day, you can not think that I misiudre
him; after the confession am about to
make Of my own feelings. you can not
thinkthat wish to misiud 20 him.
''Since my last letter. we have fire..
quently met. We have become what
people call great friends know
from Mrs. Harper that there are people
who think us lovers; but rumors of that
Kind are raised upon very slight founda-
tons They do no harm. apparently,
Tor so far as am aware they have not
interfcred with the attentions of other
suitors. have even had proposals. al
though ! have done my best TO prevent
them, because they have been ALWAYS
distressing to me. ! dare say that i'm
time shall find them amusing. as other
girls do.
"But he has never done more than
pay me the most ordinary compliments.
although he has had opportunities such
rs have not been granted TO any one
else to speak freely. / have tempted
him 10 speak. To-day had made up nv
mind To force from him "A declaration;
but J shrink with strange feeling of
fright from striking that final blow, and
fear ! can not do il. Then the ques ton
startles me! 10 hesitate most on ac-
count OF the pain my refusal will cause
him or MYSELF AT one time il seemed
that TO see him overwhelmed by NV
contemptuous ridicule would afford me
complete satisfact on for the anguish he
has caused you. Now l am troubled
about myself; the nearer the end I have
in view appears. the more | dread il.
Can you understand this2 II can not be
that | love him How timidlv that
was written. and I am still trembling as
II ] were sitting nj the top of n hill in
an east wind. instead OF being in nv
own warm room. That is the COMES
sion / had To make TO You. and il was
not easily done; for writing down this
doubt o. myself seems to give il
probability and form. am compelled
TO do IL, although | know how II will
sting you To think il even possible that
your friend should be false To YOU.
Have no fear. There can be no
danger OF my caring for him am SO
often angry with him, and see his weak
ness and seliishness so plainly. And il
there had been danger. it was removed
to-day when he told me calmly that you
and he hal Teen good friends. that
was NIL. Hearing that. and remember
ing how everything but words led YOU
TO believe e love YOU, felt rs bitter
ly toward him rs ever. was almost
startled into expressing il; but carried
II of so lightly that he is still unaware
how deeply | am interested on your a.
count lie said was n capital actress.
thinking that the horror felt was ONLY
make believe. lie is SO easily deceived
that | wonder whether he is fool or
only max ng n fool of me. That would
be punishment, indeed. for the decep-
ton / am practiciny. do feel mean
and cruel whenever he makes me think
that he is thinking Of you. Should II
prove that am mi taken. that he really
did care for you, and that only your alb
scnce prevented him from telling YOU. /
could never forgive myself for what
woull then be heartlcss treachery on
my part,
could forgive myself IL IL should
turn out that he really cares frr me9
II must not think of that. for the
mere idea distracts me. You see how
much reason have To be troubled about
myself,and how am haunted by doubts
and fears OF what am doing. Luckily.
i can easily bring myself back 10 com
mon sense. suppose he might care
Tor me, and had you never existed l
might have come to care for him. But
promised To show you that nv first
opinion OF him had not been too harsh,
and this should do IL
Mrs. Harper has told me something
about the Calthorpes. They have a fine
place. and old Mr. Calthorpe lives and
acts rs II he were n millionaire He is
really In poverty, and the whole of his
estates will be taken from him unless
am ashamed to write the words.
and yet glad TO do so. because they re-
cal my contemporaries Mr.. Maurice.
rs they call him. finds an heiress in time.
with money enough TO save the prop
ertyl That is what he is seeking. and
ne ana his father evidently think they
have found the lady in me. Every body
knows their object. and-oh. II is nor
ribT contemplate!