New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-04-18
WIT AND HUM0R. .

Don't leave off your gums. New Ha-
ven Register. No, indeed; YOU may
eed them to fit new teeth to.
This is an age Of universal deceit,
even the honest old farmer is often
guilty of watering his stock Chicago
Eye.
II am going to run for State Treasur-
en-" said a politician to an acquaint-
ance. THAT is unnecessary" the ac-
luaintance replied; ''wait until you're
elected, and then do your running.
The reason why woman cannot sue
coed as well as man in the walks Of life
is because, when she is on the walks,
one hand is usually employed in holding
up her dress.
Heard in q bric-a-brac store: Custo-
mer-"Have you any more Louis XIV.
furniture?' New clerk-''No, madame
not just now. The men in our facto-
ry are on a strike"
A blind man, for fifty years occupant
OF Connecticut almshouse, has such a
remarkable memory that he can repeat
any sermon he hears almost word for
word. There are some Affections before
which common humanity stands aghast.
A young man should always want to
see himself as others see him, and in
doing so he will find that his ears never
seem so big as they do in spring time
after he has had his hair cut for warm
weather.
A dispatch announces that Il western
station agent is missing, and although
the human eye is susceptible of great
education, yet it requires a struggle to
keep from reading it ''treasurer" instead
Of agent.
Mamma-''Why are you always beat
ing your doll? That isn't nice" Elsa
Eyes, it is. I must beat the DOLL be-
cause don't want papa to tell me, as
he always tells you, that am spelling
my chi1dren.''
'Why don't you eat like you do at
home?' said the rural bridegroom to
his bride, at St. Nicholas table d'hote,
as she nibbled this and tasted that in
her embarrassment; "them folks over
there don't pay no more'n we do, and
you are a goose to be afraid
Deaths by violence average about 49,
WV " .SCil Ill 1lllSoltt, CllCIC DCluH itu
average of ten murders a day About
1880 are frozen to death every, year.
And yet with all these advantages. Rus
sian newspapers are stupid Boston
Post
A North Carolina woman, aged 81,
has just begun to learn to read. Prob
ably she was informed by an enemy
that her name was in one of the local
papers. When woman's curiosity is
once aroused there is no telling what
she'll do in order to crafty it.
Ex-Secretary Evarts has thirteen
daughters. 1t is reported that he never
locks the front door Sunday nights until
after II o'clock, and even then he lies
awake an hour worrying for fear there
may be a stray couplein the dining-room
which he has overlooked.
1t is alleged that Socrates said that
man should get drunk once month, but
that he should lock himself in his cham
Der, and drink good wine. This seems
to be q very good idea, and if Socrates
were not dead at present, we might sug-
gest that we would provide the chamber
if he would furnish the wine.
Small boy of eight Cooking over pic
ture book with boy Of ten)-What's
that? S. b. of ten-Why, don't you
know? That's donkey, haven't you
ever seen q donkey? S. b. of eight
(doubtfully)-No. S. b. of ten patron-
izingly)-Why l have-lots of 'cm-in
the theological gardens, you know.
A Cincinnati man, caught in the belt
ipO and ,vb;rln6 orcrr5 Of +bo ~, r., ~f 4,
mile in about two minutes, was rescued
uninjured. When asked if he wasn't
terribly frightened, he answered: mo;
I thought my wife had caught me and
was running me out by the back Of the
neck
A household journal says ''soapsuds
is not the best wash for silverware
This is important if true; but what the
'society' young man wants to know
is how to polish up dollar store dia-
mond pin so that it will look like a
gem Of the first water.-NorristoaU1 Her.
AID.
A sermon: 'Looker yer, now, Mr..
Johnsing, dat's gone bout far enough.
You say you doan' 60 to church cause
dem seats hu'ts yo' back. Howsomever
you II set heah all day Sunday on desc
hard rocks en- fish. l carn't see de ar
gyment in dat. So you'd better drap
dat pole and come to church longer wild
me. You heah?'
Boss said negro butcher to an
occasional customer, ''lemme wise yer
not ter buy no noah meat down ter
Reds shop, ease fur one reason. De
udder day, q man fotch in five hogs
what had died wild de cholera, an dat
niger bought two OBJ 'em.'' THE
scoundrel! What became of the other
three?' ''Why, boss, ter keep anybody
else from buyin' EN- l bought 'em my
self, sab. '-Arkansas Traveler.
Clarence Fitz-Herbert sends us
beautiful poem beginning II will wait
for my love at heavven's gate" We
think you are about right, Clarence
People who write that kind of poetry
seldom get any further than the gate.
You'll probably continue to wait there
long after the rest of us have passed on
inside unless you reform and quit
writing poetry and learn to spell heaven
with one v.-Burlingtoo Huavkeye.
Sonny, you will please stoop down
ana pick up my glasses? You see l
can't bend very WELL" said corpulent
gentleman to a passing newsboy. Eyes, I
see you can't mister" said the boy, pick
ing up the glasses; ''you're hunch- back
ed in the wrong spot for convenience,
amt yer? You could forgit to put some
OF your garments on in the morning and
not know anything bout it, fairs obser-
walton pOpS oOu16O't yorp,,
The discipline of the German army is
almost, If not quite, perfect. 1t is
never relaxed under any circumstances.
A captain and lieutenant were on the
deck of steamship out at sea for the
first time. ''How do you feel, Lieuten-
ant?' asked the captain. every sick,
Captain" "Why don't you use ba-
sin?' asked the captain. Il would have
done so long ago, Captain, but I was
waiting for you to be sick first. would