Sacramento daily record-union., 1883-10-31
FACT AND HUMoR,

The artesian we'll throws up its water
because it has spring bottom.
The cotton mills of the South give EN-.
ployment to about 400, 600 operatives.
That's what beats me" soliquized the
small boy, as he gazed at his mas slipper.
In St. Louis it ir not fashionable for
beautiful young ladies to be married. They
call it abduction.
"Well, wife, you can't say ever con-
tracted bad habits" "No, sir you gen.
orally expanded them"
At the White Mountains the girls all
comb their hair back from the forehead
That is why it is called bang up place.
a shark caught off Charleston had pair
of boots, a scalp, two cannon balls and
package Of SundaY-school tickets in his
stomach.
The latest agony is for young lady to
have a dog to match her dress. We'd
like to see a crushed strawberry dog-in
fact, any kind OF a crushed dog
Most of tobacco stems from North Caro-
lima tobacco factories are shipped to Ger.
German peasants.
Thou must not resist thy fate,
Neither must thou shun it blindly;
II thoult 90 and meet it straight,
Twill invite thee most kindly.
-[GOethe.
America may be republic, " remarks
George A. Sala, "but socially and senti-
mentally it is the woman's kingdom. From
Cape Cod to the Golden Gate the American
woman is queen.
At the table d'hote-A waiter spilt gome
gravy over ladys dress. The lady was
terribly put out about it. "Never mind,
said theI1aiter, there's plenty more gravy
where that came from. ~ [Steinhauser.
A Texas owl mistook sleeping mans
head for a chicken and fastened its claws
into his hair and scalp. "Well what's
the matter now, old woman " said the as
sailant as he awoke.-[Jersey City Jour
nal.
At the next session of Parliament not
only the Libraries and the dining-rooms of
the House of Commons, but also the di-
vision lobbies, ministers rooms and pre-
ciucts of the House will be lighted by the
Edison light.
She was a sweetly inexperienced young
housekeeper, as one may gather from her
remark when someone suggested that she
should purchase spring mattresses. eyes,
she replied, "if they are in season we'd
better have some"
A New York lady started for the White
mountains with an outfit of thirty nine
trunks. And she wouldn't speak to her
husband for a whole day because he COM
planned of being Aea-bitten through carry
ing her poodle in his arms.
DR.. II. F. Hamilton says that at least
once day girls should have their halters
taken off, the bars let down and be let loose
like young colts. "Calisthepics may be
very genteel, and romping very ungenteel,
but one is the shadow, the other the sub
stance, of healthful exercise.
A writer in magazine calls laugh ''a
side-spIitting recreation exercise" and
adds: "The sudden Impression of bold
ludicrosity upon our ordinary mental rec
titude upsets the very foundation of our
gravity, and the unrestrained torrent of
emotive drollery sweeps us away"
"When does the honeymoon end, Mr..
johnson ?" asked sentimental young lady
of friend with whom she was discussing
the subject Of married life. 81 don't
know" returned the practical MIR. john
son, &c but I've heard you could consider 1t
over when husbands pantaloons go more
than two days without full complement
of suspender buttons. u Brooklyn Eagle
I'D give $500 for q voice like yours,
pleasantly remarked q Chicago man to
middle-sged Boston woman with keen eye,
g sallow visage and long jaw. A smile OF
grateful vanity Illuminated her face at the
implied compliment, as she coquettishly
asked "And what would you do with
it," "Td use it to frighten my wife's
mother away from the house., answered
the prairie. bred brute.
"Father, do they call you Hon. John
Johnson because you have been in the
Legislature ?" "Yes, my son." There
was long pause as the father finished, and
sealed his letter, and then he suddenly
asked: "Why, my SON.? "0h, didn't
know whether it was because you had been
in the Legislature and held free railroad
passes, or because you got job of build
ing $4,000 county Jail and made SlS,-
600 out of it The next boy who says
you are Hon.. because you stole SIS, 900
is going to get licked !"-[BOOmerang.
Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe says that
the novels of the day lack romantic inter.
est-sn indication that she doesn't read the
novels of the day. When the heroine is q
married woman, and falls in love with half
a dozen married men inside of four chap.
tiers, and achieves three divorces before
the end of the book is reached, and
her first husband marries her last hus-
bands daughter, and ne loses $500, 900
in gaming, and when he is starving
to death falls heir to 81, 100000 by
the death of an uncle in Holland, and hav-
ing become widower, remarries his first
wife. whose latest matrimonial acquire.
ment has eloped with her daughter by her
first marriage, and Well, if that isn't
romantic interest enough. Mrs. Stowe
is very hard to please. s.-[Norristown Her.
aid.
,,, Oil; f,,,ra 10 xv;tho,t q Daar