Daily globe., 1883-08-07
COMPANY MANNERS. ys5z-z
ignorance the Chief Cause of HI-Breeding,
From the London Oueen.l

Ltrom the London Queen.l
1t was saying CT Oliver Wendell
holmes that IN every dialogue between
petWeen two persons there were in re-
a4lty SIX present-two as they were.
each as he believed himself to be. and
each as he appeared to the other. II
would not be difficult to add two more.
and to say that there were present each
as he desired to represent himself to
his neighbor. For there is nothing
more certain than that every word and
action OF our lives, except in those
moments Of passionate emotion which
annlhilate self-consciousness, moments
which do not occur more than once or
twice in an ordinary lifetime, are regu-
lated by the effect to be produced on
those around us. And this by no means
implies that it is universal or even a
very general wish to make oneself
agreeable. A man may delight in
showing his contempt for his surround
1ngs, he may be absolutely Indifferent
to the pain which he inficts. but he
will never lose sight Of the effect he is
producing, though he may fully believe
that he has done SO. For instance,
while men who delight in making them
selves disagreeable are as plentiful as
blackbeEries, those who voluntarily and
consciously make themselves ridiculous
are rare as four-leaved shamrocks. The
misfortune is that our perceptions are
so dull and defective that there is often
ludicrous discrepancy between the
effect we produce and that which we
believe ourselves to be producing. We
would none of us be ridiculous if we
could help it, but it is to be feared that
few OF us have altogether escaped the
r1dlcule of our friends, even in what we
regard as our most impressive moments.
1t is this inability to form a Just con-
ceptio1 Of what is pleasing to others
which is the cause of half the ill-breed-
ing IN the world. Good manners do
not consist in obedience to any set of
rules, and the absolute uselesness of
etiquette in forming even their rudiments
is due to the fact that their very essence
is adaptability. What we call Company
manners" suggests an unpleasant vision
Of thin veneer of conventional polite
ness, through which ignorance and vul-
garity are plainly visible. The reason
of this, however, is not that there is any
innate improperly in modifying ones
behavior in accordance with ones sur
'rOundings, but that, unfortunately, the
assumption Of ceremonious courtesy is
with many people so rare an effort that
it has all the awkward stiffness of an
infrequent and unfamiliar impersona-
tion. The general notion that per-
fectly polite person is exactly the same
IL I
ment, as there are actions which would
be the height Of ill-breeding in one place,
and the very essence of courtesy in
another Indeed the difference be-
tween good mannersEand company
manners" is that one is the natural ex-
preston of ordinary courtesy, self
control, and knowledge of the world,
while the other is an effort made for
some temporary purpose, or to bring
ones self into harmony with unusually
difficult surroundings. Extra pains
taken for this purpose is highly COM
mendable in principles; but those who
make the effort rarely are apt to do it
awkwardly, and so have brought the
endeavor itself into disrepute
1t must be admitted that the COM
pany manners assumed by some very
worthy people with the best intentions
are little short of maddening to their
friends. What is to be done with q
hostess who, though she may be the
most comfortable motherly soul in
everyday life, transforms herself into
an intolerable bore in society by her en-
deaEor to talk only of such subjects as
,imagipes interesting to her guests,
without any consideration as to whether
she understands them or no? A per-
son Of this kind will talk of art to an
artist, literature to an author, foreign
countries to & traveller, with the most
sublime Indifference, and will feel re-
compensed for the tedium Of the task
by the conviction that she has done
her duty - an amelioration of her
misery which by no means extends to
her victim. Then there are good hos
pitable people who embitter every
mouthful swallowed by their guest by
apologies that their fare is not more
costly, or better prepared, while at the
same time they profess to feel injured
that more of it is not eaten than q
merely human digestion can assimilate.
Almost worse even than these are the
old-fashioned entertainers, whose 'com-
pany manners" consist in never laying
down for a second the burden of enter
tainment, who apologize if for single
minute you are not talking, or eating,
or looking at photographs, or in some
visible manner enjoying yourself"
AL this brings us round to the point
from which we started, that ignorance
is the chief cause of ill-breeding, and
we can scarcely look for an improve
ment in the much-censured manners #
modern society while politeness is so
little studied il domestic iife. When
custom ceases to allow the care2,ss
rudeness which marks the behavior Il
brother to sister, the total alsence oi
ceremony between husband and w
and Of respect between child and -
rent. we may hope to find, with 3 {
elevation OF our daily standard. j
quicker perception in discerning {
more graceful readiness in f0ress;l AZ.
the wishes Of those whom We desire .