Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-09-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

reported that he is running for the Gov
ernorship.-Boston Transcript
College professor to student: This
| is the fifth time in the last two wears
you have been granted leave of absence
to attend your grandfather's funeral!'
Mr. Tralala Ito barber after enjoying
hair cut and his first shave and receiy-
ing his "check'O: Il think you've
made a mistake. Isn't a shave 20
cents ?" Barber (deprecatingly): Real
ly, couldn't think of charging for that,
sir"
Connecticut farmers raise cabbaces of
such excellent quality that complete
cigar, filler, binder, wrapper, and all,
can be made from their leaves The
cigar is said to smoke free, easy. and
nice, but to be killing on the people
| around.
mamma, what's a book-worm %
"One who loves to read and study and
collect books, my dear" The next
night company called. Miss Edith, who
wears rings innumerable, was present.
"Oh, mamma, look at Miss Edith's
rings [ guess she is 4 ring worm, amt
she ?''
The Prince of Wales wants the waters
of England stocked with fish after the
American plan. If he succeeds, the
| church congregations will be very
small Sundays. 1t is the lack of an OPP
portunity to catch fish Sundays that
makes the average church attendance
so large i'll England.
Charles Francis Adams, Jr., attacks
h. IL,
colleges of making Greek and Latin the
basis of a liberal education. Mr.. Adams
should rest his soul in patience. Base
ball and boat-rowing are rapidly sup
planting Greek and Latin as the basis
of 3 liberal college education. Norris
torn Herald
Several ladies were chatting on the
veranda of seaside hotel, when one of
the fair complacently observed: 81
never battle without discovering some
new beauty" Severe silence greeted
the remark, but one rival cuttingly re-
marked: Glow often do you bathe-
once year?'' These were fashionable
ladies. Cleveland Leader.
YES" said Spillman, II knew Mr..
| and Mrs. Brown well, I never saw
| another couple enjoy married life like
they did. They lived together more
than forty years anG never a cross word
passed between them" Indeed, what
| they were deaf and dumb. "-iSomerVjlIe
Journal.
At one of the White mountain hotels
he asked a student waiter for some
| green corn. Il regret to inform you,
said the intellectual servant, that the
supply of that vegetable was not AIDE.
quate to the demand to-day, and has be-
| come exhausted. Possibly you may Sc
lect some garden product enumerated
| on the menu as n substitute. E" $50 to
thunder!n was all the diner said.
A vigorous old fellow in Maine who
had lately buried his fourth wife was
accosted by an acquaintance, who, una
| ware of his bereavement, asked: How
is your wife, Cap'n Plowjogger?" To
| which the Cap'n replied with perfectly
grave face: ''Waal, to tell We the trewth,
| am kinder out of wives just naoW." -
| Boston Commercial.
Bureaus of information are of great
| assistance in q railroad depot They
| relieve the ticket-seller from answering
such questions as, SIS that clock right?"
''Do the trains always start on time?"
''Do you get many trade doIIarS?"
''How long do you think it will be be.
fore it will ramp" ETC., while 100 people
| are in line behind waiting for u chance
to buy a ticket for train which starts
in one minute and three-quarters.-
Philadelphia Ne1cS.
Mary Anderson has touched the heart
of the editor of the London Court Jour
nal. Her face, i" he says, lis of the
soft creole whiteness which gives such
immense value to dark eyes; her hair OF
the brightest gold, and the expression
of the countenance that of the purest
and most childlike innocence. Never
was the realization OF the poets ideal
in the Dream Of Fair Women 50 COM
ple5ely illustrated rs by this new
beauty"
''Do you ever read poetry?' asked
the new pastor of q good but illiterate
deacon. Read poultry, sir? No, sir;
but [ feed 'cm regular" he replied
The pastor silently passed on, wonder
ing what manner Of people he had to
minister to, while the deacon mOpped
his brow and gazed with beWildered
air at the retreating dominic. Then be
softly said to himself: Read poultry :!
ha! ha! Well, I'll be durnedn'-C Com
merciaJ advertiser.
''Have YOU read Mr. Whittier's poem.
How the Women Went from Dover pr
inquired one recently of Il prominent
parsonage at Dover who seemed deeply
enorOSSpd i'm his own thOuphtS - No II
haven't" was the reply; (which way
did they go-Boston & Maine or East
ern ?" There are some people who are
not given to poetic appreciation.
HAS the colonel been around this
morning?" inquired a guest at sum
mer hotel. Colonel, what colonel?"
asked the bell-boy. ''Why, the boss;
the man who runs the hotel. " Colonel.
Huh! He amt no colonel" Every
body about here calls him colonel"
That's nonsense. He had so many
corns one year that someone called him
1 Il