The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-02-22
WIT AND HUMoR.
Brown bred Mulatto children.
.Tha lirst fast mn siia-.fhe nrodigal SO

100000. Patti must have been singing
in Paris.
A new book is entitled "Short Sayings
of Great Men" When are we to have
'Great Sayings Of Short Menp
Rattan furniture is fashionable. but
the small boy objects to having his base
ment furnished with rattan. 5
''Well, my lad, how much do you
earn a weekw II dunno what t, arD-
sir; but know what gets"
TIE musician who robbed ba. "~-i
said in extenuation that he was in favor
Of airnOyRble dough. 8kfas
WHY cannot two slender persons ever
become great friends? Because they
winsalways be Slight. .acquaintances.h
Every girl who expects to keep up
with the times should wear clocks on
her stockings. 90
''Of what complaint did your father
diep' ''The jury found him guilty"
was the answer.
A man has invented a. chair that can
be adjusted to 800 different positions.
1t is designed for boy to sit in when
he goes to church.
Never jump at conclusions. An ex-
ception is allowable in the case of a rat
tlesnake's conclusion. In that case, the
sooner and the farther you jump the
better.
ssGentlemen of the jury" was the I'M
passioned peroration of lawyer in a
city court few days ago. '.God knows
my client is innocent, and what is more
to the purpose, know it. ~
Whoever doubts that the newspapers
have a mission should enter car and
; see how useful they are to he men
"a when q fatnwoman with big basket is
looking around for seat.
AN article in an exchange is headed:
"Kissed by Her Husband Such mis-
takes will occur, and there should be
some remedy devised to prevent their
recurrence, .e
A man died in Atlanta the other day
who confessed in his last hours that he
spent seven. months trying to whip q
Chicago editor and could never get
within ten feet of him.
80 Speaking of lady who was forever
telling other aches and pains. said Fogg,
II always enjoy her conversation. 1t is
q complete course of lectures on physi-
ologys aud nothing to pay"
Every railroad built in this country
is a human piece of work. said Cam
ada man. s"WhyP" asked bystander.
because they give people better op-
portunity of getting out of the place."
Inquirer. ''-"Yes, man not JUS
lice of the peace can administer an oath.
We accidentally stuck corner of our
umbrella in mans eye, the other day,
and he administered several oaths to us;
but he wasn't q justice of the peace"
'.He cometh not, !" she. said, and she
was quite right; he didn't arrive. His
intentions were all right; but they failed
tosuccessfully combat the bulldog that
was screened in the moon-kissed shrub
berry. s-sa
A good-looking girl, whose lover
asked her in the tenderest tones why it
was that she was so magnetic, explained
the phenomenon by informing him that
her mother and father were both tele-
graph operators, %
"I do wish you would come home
earlier" said woman to her hus-
band. 81 am afraid to stay alone.
always imagine that there's somebody
in the house; but when you come 1
know there amt
: Poor fellow! he died in poverty
said man of person lately deceased.
''That isn't anything" exclaimed 3
seedy bystander. dying in poverty is
no hardship; it's living in poverty that
puts the thumbscrews on fellow"
-"You- husband is 6 siaid man now, is
he not?" asked former schoolme.o ol
her friend who rad married van
noted for bis fast habits. 81 think so,'
was the reply, she stayed out all last
night.1
Prince Bismarck keeps diary. The
first entry on Jan. 1, reads: 81 have re-
solved to drink not more than sixty
glasses of soul-destroying beer a day
during the present year" P. S.-Saye
on Schuetzenfest days. '@l
81 am trying to break myself of slang
phrases said the Centralville girl
''and have been for some time; but,
actually, i used the word racket to-
day before / thought, and IN so asham-
cd of myself. You won't give it away,
will you?'
When Mr.. Snaggs wants peace and
quiet of an evening, while he sits and
thinks, he says to his wife: ''Now, my
dear, talk to me, and amuse mer' And
the blessed old dame at once loses all,
capacity for thinking of anything to
say, and never opens her condemned
head.
A Scotchman, having hired himself
to a farmer, had a cheese set down be-
fore him, that he might help himself.
After some timethe master said to him,
"Sandy, you take y long time to break
fast.'' I'm troth, MASTER" said Sandy,
''a cheese O this size is nae sac soon
eaten rs ye may think"
An old bachelor, who wanted to III
gratiate himself with rich widow, pre-
.sented her with a lap-dog, saying: II
have trained him SO perfectly that he
will cat off your hand" EAT off my
hand?' exclaimed the widow. Il don't
want my hand eaten off; and you
needn't think ofgetting it in that way"
An Irishman who had been contend
ing that mule was a nobler animal
than horse, said that mule had once
saved him from drowning. ''How was
that, Paddy?" asked one of the 'bystard-
efs. ''Faith, he gave me such a lick
wild his hind leg that he landed me on
the other side of the canawl instid of
in it.
1t was the last act of new comedy,
and the house, half empty Mt the start,
was nearly deserted, only few dead
heads remaining. The curtain went up
and the leading man began with his
line, "Are we alone?' The utility man
glanced over the auditorium and an
swered, in tragic tones, 1--WE are!' For
the first and the last time the audience
laughed.
al Think said vegetarian, once, in
conversation, ''that when a man lives
on beef he becomes something like an
OK; if he eats mutton he begins to look
sheepish; and if he eats pork, may he
not grow to be swinishP" THAT may
be-" said his friend; ''but when man
lives on nothing but vegetables, think
he is apt to be pretty small potatoes"
A gentleman at party the other
evening. seeing some wax fall from q
chandelier on that part of u lady's dress,
who sat next to him, not great way
from her bosom, Immediately toell out