The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1883-03-08
Jolly Undertakers.

Jolly Undertakers.
'In my thirty years experience in the
undertaking business" observed "mor-
tuary director" in the vicinity of Frank
lin square to Journal reporter, II have
come to the conclusion that some of the
most ludicrous circumstances are asso-
ciated with the interment of the dead.
When the late Mr.. Patrick Burns, of
Baxter street, whose sole worldly possess
sions did not exceed $1,000, ordered,
three months prior to his decease, 81
600 funeral in order to spite his relations,
his case was only an illustration of the
vanity and revenge peculiar to men of
this class.
"Paddy was a very ignorant man.. His
dying ambition. was to have a large
funeral conducted with all the modern
Improvements of mortuary art. And he
had it. His coffin alone cost nearly $2,-
900. 1t was of the finest rosewood, with
gold and silver fittings, and was far more
expensive than the casket used at the
interment of the late President Garfield
"There were seventeen carriages, which
were occupied by mourning hucksters,
peddlers, laborers, and others who had
never sat inside of a carriage before. The
bill for flowers alone came to 5000. The
vault was specially constructed upon the
latest scientific principles. In fact, the
whole affair was got up on the most
lavish scale.> Paddy's friends gave him
magnificent wake, far surprising any
thing of the kind ever held in Baxter
street. The liquors were of the choicest
and the whisky flowed like water. The
smummers,' or death howlers, were special
ly hired for the occasion. But the rela-
tiyes were gnashing their teeth with
rage and disappointment, for it became
necessary to sell Paddy's property
to pay the bill. The relatives, however,
brought an injunction to restrain pay
ment of the bill, on the ground that it
was excessive and unjust to the heirs. 1t
ended by the referee cutting down the
undertaker's account to $75. So Paddy
got his funeral, although the undertaken
had to pay the greater part of the cost of
it out of his own pocket.
'sIn connection with the trade is Sc
cret society known as the order of the G..
d. A, which being translated, means the
Coffin Drummers' Association These
gentlemen represent the large wholesale
houses, and most of them would make
frst-class comedians The chaplain of
the order, Mr.. Ira Slots, would make you
roar. He is inimitable.
"Many good story have I heard the
boys tell. One is to the following effect:
A coffin drummer, who is always unfor-
tunate in finding a customer in the
northern part of the State out when he
called, was returning to the station when
he saw his man driving his hearse at the
head of funeral procession. He hailed
him, mounted the box and accompanied
the cortege to the cemetry. He took his
mans measure at glance and saw he
would have hard work in getting an or
der out of him. A bright idea occurred
to him.
"'Have you heard the newsP
"fWhat newsF
"Why, Parsons-the name of a rival
undertaken living some nine miles dis
tant-'died last night of delerium tire.
mems. What2 Haven't you heard of it
Now he's got stock of half dozen
cofins he hasn't paid for. can let you
have the lot at low figure mentioning
the price. If you don't hurry up, Stone,
another rival, will be sure to get them.
The drummer pulled out his pencil
wrote out the order, jumped down from
the hearse. hurried as fast as he could tc
the station where his stock of coffini
stood in the freight shed, hired Wagon
faand(had the whole lot placed in the un
Isdertaker's store before he returned from
the funeral. This is only one of several
stories I might tell you of the cofir
drummer's shrewdness."
care there many embalmning prepara
tions'on the market?'
"Yes, over two dozen. Each one, oi
course, is said to be the best. 1t wa.
recently mooted to hold an embalmins
exhibition at the morgue for prize ot
| $500, in order to see which was the best
But, whether the parties couldn't agree
or whether they hadn't any faith in the
stakeholder, l cannot say. Anyway, the
idea fizzled out, and 1 have not hearc
anything of it lately. The great author
ity in embalming in the trade is Angus
Renouard, of Denver, Col. All embalm
ing preparations are much the same. By
the way, did you ever see a funera
raceP'
The reporter admitted that in all hi
journalistic experience he had yet to SCI
the first funeral race.
| luCA you ouOuiu SO ooWh dlhOoe oii
day to Roosevelt ferry and you will see one
1t is a common practice among undertak
ers to try to get ahead of rival procession
in their hurry to geton the ferryboat first
One procession, for instance, meets an
other at street corner. Then they put
The corpse, mourners and drivers arr
pretty well shaken up by the time tn,
boat is reached, and the cursing ant
general profanity INDUCED in by th'
drivers and hackmen takes the back ou
of the grief which is supposed to exist fo
the death of the deceased. 1t doesn't lool
well, I know, or it may appear impossible
but it is true for all that"
"Do undertakers, as arule, make man.
bad debts?"
'1t all depends upon the man himself
Generally speaking, however, the poo
people pay the most punctually, and it i
worthy of remark that widows, especial,
young ones, pay up the most promptly
Most of the trouble undertakes have il
this respect is from people of uncertain
means, where risk must be run; bu
seeing that an undertaker's profits avel
age 200 per cent, bad debt now an
then, doesn't amo unit to much. IN J
Morning Journal"
Smallpox in Athens.