The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1883-05-17
WIT AND HUM0R.


Your language is wholly uncalled
for, as the publisher told the author
whose works failed n SELL
Don't leave of your gums. New Ha-
ven Register No. indeed you may
need them to fit new teeth TO.
This is an age Of universal deceit,
even the honest old farmer is often
guilty of watering his stock, r. Chicago
Eye,
IL am going to run for State Treasur-
er, said politician TO an acquaint-
ance. That is unnecessary, the ac-
quaintance replied. "wait until you're
elected, and then do your running"
The reason why woman cannot suc-
ceed as well as man in the walks Of life
is bSause, when she is on the walks,
one hand is usually employed in holding
up her dress.
Heard in bric-a-brac store: Custo-
mer-''Haye you any more Louis XIV.
furniture?" New clerk-"No, madame
not just now. The men in our facto-
ry are on strike"
A blind man, for fifty years occupant
Of a Connecticut almsh0use, has such
remarkable memory that he can repeat
any sermon he hears almost word for
word. There are some Affections before
which common humanity stands aghast.
A young man should always want to
see himself as others see him. and in
doing so he will find that his ears never
seem so big as they do in spring time
after he has had his hair cut for warm
weather.
A dispatch announces that western
station agent is missing, and although
the human eye is susceptible of great
education. yet it requires struggle to
keep from reading it treasure" instead
of agent.
Mamma why are you always beat
ing your doll? That ism nice" Elsa
Yes. il is. | must beat the doll, be-
cause don't want papa to tell me, as
he always tells you, that | am spelling
my children"
"Why don't you eat like you do at
home?' said the rural bridegroom to
his bride, at st. Nicholas table d'hote,
as she nbbled this and tasted that in
her embarrassment; them folks over
there don't pay no more'n we do, and
you are goose to be afraid
Deaths by violence average about 40
600 year in Russia, there being an
average Of ten murders day. About
1850 are frozen To death every year.
And yet with all these advantages. Rus
sian newspapers are stupid. Boston
Post
A North Carolina woman, aged "a,
has just begun to learn to read. Prob
ably she was informed by an enemy
that her name was in one Of the local
papers When a woman's curiosity is
once aroused there is no telling what
She IL do in order to CRAFTY it.
Ex-Secretary Evarts has thirteen
daughters. 1t is reported that he never
locks the front door Sunday nights until
after II o'clock, and even then he lies
awake an hour worrying for fear there
may bea stray couple in the dining room
which he has overlooked,
1t is alleged that Socrates said that a
man should get drunk once month, but
that he should lock himself in his cham
Der. and drink good wine, This seems
to be very good idea, and if Socrates
were not dead at present, we might sug-
gcst thatwe would provide the chamber
if he would furnish the wine.
Small boy Of eight Cooking over pic
ture book with boy Of ten) What s
that? S. b. of ten-Why, don't you
know? That's a donkey. haven't you
ever seen a donkey? $. b. of eight
tdoubtfullv)- No. S. b. of ten (patron-
izingly) Why | have-lots of EN- in
the theological gardens, you know,
A Cincinnati man, caught in the belt
ing and whirled around at the rate Of a
mile in about two minutes, was rescued
unniured. When asked if he WASH [
terribly frightened, he answered: mo;
/ thought my wife had caught ME and
was running me out by the back Of the
neck. -
A household journal says "soapsuds
is not the best wash for silverwarc. "
This is important If true; but what the
society" young man wants to know
is how TO polish up dollar store dia-
mond pin so that it will look like a
gem of the first water -NorriSto,Dn Her
aid.
A sermon: LOCKER yer, now, Mr.
Johnsing, dat's gone bout far enough.
You say you doan 60 to church cause
dem seats hu'ts yo' back, Howsomevcr
you'll set heah all day Sunday on desc
hard rocks en- fish. carn't see de ar
gyment in dat. So you'd better drap
dat pole and cometo church longer wild
me. You heah!"
Boss" said a negro butcher to an
occasional customer, "lemme wise yer
not ter buy no noah meat down ter
Reds shop, case fur one reason. De
udder day, man fotch in five hogs
what had died wild de cholera, an dat
niger bought two oh EN-" The
scoundrel, What became of the Other
threeP' "Why, boss, ter keep anybody
else from buyin' 'em bought 'em my
self, sab, - arkansas Traveler.
Clarence Fitz-Herbert sends us ,
beautiful poem beginning 81 will wal
for my love at heavens gate" w
think you are about right, Clarence
People who write that kind of poetr,
seldom get any further than the gate
You'll probably continue to wait there
| l.. "a. Al r II