Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-09-01

MARK TWAIN.


The first time began to sneeze, friend
told me to go aud bathc my feet in hot
water and go to bed. did so. Shortly
after another friend told me IA get up and
take cold shower bath. did that also.
Within the hour another friend assured
me that it was policy TO feed a cold and
starve Il fever. l had both. So thought
il best TO fill myself up for the cold, and
lie. the fever starve awhile. In case Of
this Kind seldom do things by halves;
ate pretty heartily. l conferred my GUS
tom upon a stranger, who had just opened
his restaurant on Cortlandt street, near
the hotel, that morning, paying SD much
for full meal. lie waited near me In
respectful silence until had finished feed
ing my cold, when he inquired il the peo-
pie about New York were much afflicted
with colds. | told him / thought they
weres He then went out and took in his
sign.
started up toward the Office, and on
the way encountered another bosom
salt water would come ~ near curing q
cold as anything in the world. hardly
thought had room for il, but | tried il
any how. The result WIS surprising. l
believe / threw up my immortal soul.
Now, as | give my experience for the
benefit Of those OF your friends who are
troubled with this distemper, feel that
they will see the propriety Of my caution
ing them against following such portions
of it rs proved inefficient with me, and
acting upon this conviction | warn them
against warm salt water. 1t may be a
good enough remedy, but | think II is
rather too severe. If | had another cold
in tho head, and there was no course left
me to take either an earthquake or quart
of waim salt water, l would take my
chances or the earthquake. After this
everybody in the hotel became interested,
and took all sorts Of rcmedies-hot LEM
onade. cold lemonade, pepper tea, boneset,
Stewed quaker, horchOund syrup, onions
and loaf sugar, lemons and brown sugar,
vinegar and 1audanum, five bottles fir
balsam, eight bottles cherry pectOral, and
ten bottles Uncle Sans remedy, but all
without effect
One Of the prescriptions given me by an
old lady was-well, il was dreadful. She
mixed decoction composed of molasses,
catnip, peppermint, acQuafortis, turpen-
tine, kerosene, and various other drugs,
aud instructed me to take wineglassful
Of it every fifteen minutes. never took
but one dose; that WAS enough. had to
take To my bed, and remain there for two
entire days. When felt a little better,
more things were recommended. WAS
desperate, and willing TO take anything.
Plain gin was recommended, then gin
and mulaSSes, then gin aud onions. took
all three. | detected no particular result,
however, except that l had acquired
breath like u turkey huzZard, and had to
change my boarding place. At this new
place they suggested different remedy
10 any yet tried. l had never refused
remedy yet, and it seemed poor policy to
commence then; therefore determined to
take sheet bath, though l had 10 idea
what sort of an arrangement it was. 1t
was administered at midnight, and The
weather was very frosty. My back and
breast were stripped, and a sheet (there
appeared 10 be thousand yards Of it)
soaked in ice water was wound around me
until rcscmbled swab for Il columbiad.
1t was . cruel eXpedient. When the chilly
rags touches ones warm flesh IL makes
him start with sudden violence and gasp
for breath, just as men do in the death
agony. 1t frozc the marrow in my bones
and stopped tho beating Of my heart. |
thought my time had como. When re-
covered from this, friend recommended
The application OF a mustard plaster to
nv breast. l believe that would have
cured me effcctually il it had not been for
young Clements. When went to bed
put the mustard plaster where | could
reach it when | should be ready for IT,.
But young Clements got hungry in the
night aud ate it up. [ never saw any
child have such an appetite. l am conf
don't That he would have eaten me if had
been healthy.