National Republican., 1883-07-16
CURRENT GOSSIP.
rRoyrnn1AL PHILOSOPHY.

Inc racing man makes tue money CO.
1 a crcmaled child is beyond drcading the fire.
| one swallow does not make hummer
A man is known by the cigars he kccps.t
+Not those he gives away -LVe.
MATCHES are now so cheap that oven a tramp
can afford to carry them.
THE Thermometer indicates q July rise.
Down with the mercury.
| If history docs not lie, then the small boy
| Of century ago was an angel in human form.
Nowadays he's a thorn IN the flesh.
The settlement down at Long Branch
| where the uctors most do congregate for the SUM
mer is called Mary0udersonville."
! LAST year tho Methodist book concern in
New York city made SOS, ,OO0 "By Jove," remarked
an editor who heard this e then it didn't publish
any books"
THERE arc thirty thousand Christian In
dinns IN the United States. but the Boston Post
! thinks it's safer to trade horses with Satan than
with one OF them.
WE no longer wonder at the brilliancy Of
the seaside hotel clerks shirt BOSOM Alaska din
inonds are manufactured ut the rate of s1.l5 per
quart. while brass has only face value.
IT'S no use" said the policeman to tho
sufferer whose pocket was picked on the fourth of
| July, " Tor you to put guard on your watch un-
| less you also keep watch on your guard Move
| on"
A NEBRASKA warehouse, with two light
| ming rods, being struck by lightning an irrev-
erent western man says that the elements get off
u joke with considerable success when they set
about 1t.
AN Indiana groenbacker has grown insane
from over anxiety in regard to tho national
! finances. The Hartford Eod assigns us Il reason
thHt he probably didn't have time occupied in
cutting off government bond coupons.
! An advertisement reads: Large stock of
ready made childron's suits Ready made chill
dren must be another step in the giant strides of
| science, says tho san Francisco Post which pre.
sumes they are from the Paris incubator.
The Detroit Free Press has found out by
personal examination that down in Louisiana
! they have got to stealing the corner stones of
| churches, and pulpit that can be inado into n
summer house Is not safe unless bolted down.
MISS PARLoA, the famous cooking export
ana lecturer, was chief cook of the st. james hotel
! Jacksonville, Fla, In 1871. We always wondered
! where she learned tho art of making one pie for
SIX men with bicycle Of crust and six cherries.
! WATERLOO IN. " Observer: Bismarck Is
The name oi the town selected for the capital of
the infant state Of Dakota The territory is three
Times that OF New York in and is certainly
large enough 10 have pretzel on its coat of arms
WHEN mother tries to arouse her boy in
! the morning with 'Johunie, it's time to get upv'
! her voice sounds as feeble rs the hum OF Il mos.
! quito; but when she calls him to dinner that Same
voice sounds louder than the steam calliope IN q
| circus procession.
PEORIA Sunday school invited number
OF roughs 10 go with them OH an excursion, hon
| i1g that the effect would bc roformatory There
were seven fist fights during the day, one of tho
| pupils was among the whipped, and three of tho
sinners have gone to jail
/ BECAUSE Gov. Blackburn, of Kentucky. has
| not touched drop of liquor OF any kind since he
became governor, the Chicago Inter Ocean topper,
VINO gauges other peoples appetites by his own
soorniully says: Perhaps that Is why there is so
/ much whisky In bond down there"
/ TuE Los Angeles chief of police recently
attempted TO kill the editor OF tho Porcupip.
/ When the quill driver wound up the clrcus Inv
| 4abbing MS assailant with pen tho policeman
Hcsnu 70 believe that he had stirred up u veritable
hvs'rh e'tAatd, us the zoologst would say
| THERE is in Holyoke Mass., young man
! who never sworc an oath, used IL particle of to-
batco. nor touched drop liquor in his life, and
| never passed more thau six nights out of his na-
| tive town. Here Is n chance for the democrats TO
catch model candidate for tho presidency.
THERE is hope for Yale. A college that
can lose boat race by fifteen lengths in a thirty
length course must have devoted too much time
TO books. send your studious boys TO Yale She
| evidently doesn't know how TO row. but tho bows
can pick that up at Harvard after getting their
education nt Yale.
IN tho morning papers appears a dispatch
10 tho effect that Pennsylvania youth "whilc I'm
a drunken row with an intoxicated old man.
struck the latter blow over the left eve knock
ing him ssnsoo,s and dead" II would have been
more remarkable II ther row had been sober one
sud the victim knocked sensible.
" you wish good, durable spring for the
fTont gate secure boarding house steak, cut IL In
hliips and iascn the ends together with wire This
I VIII last several years, when the wire will give
out single steak used in this way will last
many yenis, and one has frequently been known
TO wear out as many as eight sets of wire.-Punch,
EMILY FAITHFUL has joined the noble
army Of paragraphes, She says the best arp,l.
meni In England for the diseased wife's sister
b'l is that the mau who marries his sister in-law
VIII escape with one mother law" BY the
way, wouldn't the diseased wifes sister Bill" be
Just as liable TO be brothor.in-law us u sster.in.
law
sPEAK gently; especially to tho big man
with ID round hcnd and square neck and two big
/ ists ltko ancient STONE hammers. Speak gently
tu him. Nou may touch some long h ldden chord
OF sympathy IN his hardened breast that may
cause him 10 pass you by uukrushed But tho
s't''N "tA'Ni"NNh Alhl oh V'nce--yOu may sass
him nll the way round the bok.
AMERICAN QUEEN; lady from Boston,
upon entering the East TivOr on board of a Sound
steamer, asked the names Of he large institutions
as they passed, aud feeling warm current of air
sweeping on from shore. remarked it, At this
moment her Informant said, "And this is IIell
Gate II thought Us much" she replied, ana
sought tho secluslon the cabin afforded. Y
THE brass craze Is .he latest mania, and
aud a class Of distinguished Philndclphia ladies'
have placed themselves as apprentices under Il
regularly ordained brass beater in an establish
mont whore brass beating is Il business 1t isa
beautiful art. And one beauty OF It is, that tho
supply Of raw material win never run short In
this country. Not in tho present generation any
how.
NAPTIIA Is not the safest material for tho
prevention or destruction Of moth In carpet Mr.
Btackott Of Boston, Will nO doubt understand this
remark. He gave his carpets a liberal sprlnkliug
ofnapiha In the evening aud thon proceeded TO
light the gas The result was an explosion which
burned on his hair ami beard, destroyed largo
part OF tho furniture in tho room, and set FIRE to
the house
TlIE wifU OF Bill Davis the leader of the
gang of burglars who recently robbed the Bristol
lCouul postlnico, 10 tho daughter OF awealthy
Massachusetts, family, and was educated In con
vent. Her hfutltr. In law - a promiuunt domo.