The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-05-02
THE BAD BOY.

"Say, will you do me favor" F"
asked the bad boy of the grocery
man, as he sat down on the soap box
and put his wet boots on the stove.
"Well, Yes" said the grocery
man, hesitating, with feeling that
he was liable to be sold. If you will
help me to catch the villain who
hangs up those disreputable signs in
front of my store will. What is
it ?"
81 want you to lick this stamp and
put it on this letter. 1t is to my
girl and / want to fool her." and the
boy handed oyer the letter and the
stamp, and while the grocery man
was licking it on, the boy filled his
pockets with dried peaches out of a
box.
There, that's a small job" said
the grocery man, as he pressed the
stamp ON the letter with his thumb
and handed it back, but how are you
going to fool her ?"
That's just the business" said the
boy, as he held the letter to his nose
and smelled of the stamp. "That
will make her tired. You see, every
time she gets a letter from me she
kisses the stamp, because she thinks
l lick it. When she kisses the
stamp and gets the fumes of plug
tobacco and stale beer, and limburg
cheese, and mouldy patatoes, it will
knock her down, and then she will
ask me what allied the stamp, and |
will tell her | got you to lick it, and
then it will make her sick, and her
parents will stop trading here. o,
it will paralyze her. Do you know
that you smell like an old glue facto-
ry? Gosh, | can smell you all over
the store. Don't you smell anything
that smells spoiled ?"
The grocery man thought he did
smell something that smelled rancid,
and he looked around the stove and
finally kicked the boys boots off the
stove and said. "lt's your boots
burning. Gracious, open the door !
1t smells like a hot box on caboose,
Whewl And there come couple OF
my best lady customers" The ladies
came in and held their noses, and
while they were trading the boy
said, as though continuing the con-
versation:
"Yes, pa says that the last olemar-
garine | got here is nothing but axel
grease. Why don't you do up your
axle graase in different kind of
package? The only way you can tell
axle grease from oleomargarine is in
spreading it on pancakes, Pa says
axle grease will spread, but your al
legged butter rolls right up and acts
like lip salve, or ointment, and "a
only fit 10 use on sores"
At this point the ladies went out
of the store in disgust, without buy
ing anything, and the grocery man
took dry Goldfish by the tail and
went up to the boy and took him by
the neck. ''Golblast you, l have a
notion to kill you. You have driven
away more custom from this store
than your neck is worth. "Now you
git, and he struck the boy across
.he back with the Goldfish.
THAT'S just the way with you all, y
saws the boy, as he put his sleeve up
to his eyes and pretended to cry,
when a fellow is up in the world
there is nothing too good for him,
but when he gets down you maui
him with a Goldfish. Since pa drove
me out of the house and told me to
60 and shirk for my living. | haven't
had kind word from anybody,
My chum's dog won't even follow
me, and when fellow gets so low
down that dog goes back on him
there is nothing left for him to do
but loaf around a grocery or sit on a
jury, and | am too young to sit on a
jury, though / know more than some
of the beasts that lay around the
court and get on the jury. / am
going to drown myself and my death
will be laid to you. They will find
evidence of Goldfish on my clothes,
and you will be arrested for driving
me to a suicides grave. Good bye.
l forgive you," and the boy started
for the door.
Hold on here" saws the grocery
man, feeling that he had been too
harsh, come back here and have
some maple sugar. What did your
pa drive you away from home for ~
90, it was on account of st. Pat
rick's Day." said the boy, as be bit
off half pound of m aple sugar and
dried his tears. "You see pa never
seen ma buy a silk handkerchief bat
what pa wants it, 'Tother day ma
got one of these orange-colored hand
kerchiefs, and pa Immediately had a
sore throat and wanted to wear it,
and ma let him put it on. Thought
I'd break him of taking everything
nice that ma got so when he went
down town with the orange hand
kerchief on his neck / told some Of
the st. Patrick boys in the ninth
ward, who had the green ribbons on,
that the duffer that was putting on
style, was an Orange man and had
said he could whip any st. Patrick
day man in town. The fellers laid
for pa, and when he come along one
of them threw a barrel at pa, and
another pulled the yellow handker-
chief off his neck, and they all yell
ed ''hang him." and one grabbed a
rope that was on the sidewalk where
they were moving building, and
pa got up and busted. You'd a
dide to see pa run. He met police
man and said more'n a hundre d men
had tried to murder him, and they
had mauled him and stole his yellow
handkerchief The policeman told
pa his life was not safe, and he had
better go home and lock himself in,
and he did, and l was telling ma
about how l got the boys to scarf
pa, and he heard it, and he told M
that settled it. he said / had eau
ed him to rup more foot races tbl 3
any champDh pedestrian, and had
made his n unbearable. and now /