Connecticut western news., 1883-01-17
WITH HUMOROUS PAPERS. WHAT WE FIND y---rHEM THIS WEEK. Notes from the Detroit Free Press-A Few Texas SiftinRs-An, Editor Identifies
 Himself.
SAVED BY HIS SCISSORS.

tue suaVe conductors and they all admire it. It has the editors own name on it, written in his very best Sunday -go-to- meetin' style. That is what the conduc- tors particularly like to see, and they like it so much that they want him to write it again in exactly the same fine style.
 The other day the editor exhibited the beautiful chirography, and the conduc- tor as usual requested him to duplicate it in another place. The editor knew he had never written it in that style before and never should again, but he did his level best. The conductor shook his head.
 Don't correspond" he muttered.
 "Best can do,'' said the editor. "Do you suppose can dash of 500 pages per day and keep up the Peircerian system of penmanship? Do you suppose I can write like that with those cars of yours banging away at my elbow?"
 "Dont correspond" repeated the con- ductor, ominously.
 "Do you imagine that I am not the editor of this paper p asked the editor, drawing out gilt edged card and copy of the NeaOs.
 "May be sub," suggested the con- ductor.
 ''Do I look like sub p inquired the editor, indignantly, pointing to his dol lar" diamond studs and finger ring "But I can prove my identity" he added, with chuckle of satisfaction.
 He whipped out bright pair of scis- sors and commenced slashing up that newspaper into articles at such rate that in two seconds the whole paper would have been converted into copy.
 "Stop! That will do," exclaimed the conductor, smilingly. "There isn't the slightest doubt in my mind. You can travel on this line as long as I am con- ductor and there's rail and 8 piece of the engine left. ."-KeokuE NeaUS.
 TEXAS SETTINGS.
 A SISTERS LovE.-Hostetter McGin- his, society young man, who is 8 great beau, called at the Longcoffin mansion, on Austin avenue. Misses Esmerelda and Birdie Longcoffin, who are rivals for the affections of Hostetter, received him in the parlor. During the conversation he narrated very amusing incident, at which Miss Esmerelda burst into vocif- erous laughter, while Miss Birdie did not smile at all, but sat up in her chair in 8 very reserved and solemn manner. She shortly afterward excused herself, and withdrew from the room, leaving hel sister to entertain MT. McGinnis.
 ''Your sister does not seem to have a keen appreciation of humor. I notice she did not smile when I related that humorous incident.
 "Thats where you are mistaken, MT. McGinnis, replied Esmerelda. "Birdie has a very keen sense of the ridiculous, and would have roared until you could have heard her mile off, but she was compelled to restrain herself"
 'Is she unwell?'
 ''No, she eats enough for three, but she wears false teeth, and her new sci gets out of order when she smiles, which causes her friends to suppose she has nc sense of the ludicrous, but it is mis, take. have often told Birdie she ought to live in Virginia.
 ) "Why ?" asked Hostetter.
 'Because she has to readjust her teeth so frequently That's what she is doing now. She ought to live among the readiusters, where she would feel more at home" THEY WERE Nor REnATED.-B link ham is very good fellow, but he never uses money to pay his debts, hence the following conversation between himself and his washwoman needs no explana. ton:
 ''I has come to get de money for de six mumfs washin' what yer promised ter pay me more den forty times."
 ''I am very sorry, but the truth is l haven't got cent. If I only knew where I could borrow some money would try to make raise" | "Hasnt yer got rich uncle here in Austin yer mout borrow some money from ?"
 "Yes, have that kind of an uncle in Austin, but when I am hard up fol money, my relatives are the last people in the world I would borrow money from"
 'Am dat so? Den Ise sorry I ain't yer mudder.
 A BUSINESS PROPOSITION. N.-"You have been arrested as a vagrant. Have you any occupations or means p said an Aus. tin justice to a culprit. 'tSo you want to find out if I have got money? If you have business proposition for a part nership, this is no place to discuss the matter,' responded the shabby party. IF you think nobody cares for you il this cold world, just try to learn to play :, the fiddle in 8 populous neighborhood
 DETROIT FREE PRESS NOTES. HE WOULDN'T SUPPOSE. boy hat , come home to Christmas, and the olt man felt that it was good time to gratify , his curiosity about speculation.
 "Thomas," he began, "I've read { good deal about speculating in wheat How do they work it in Chicago ?" "Well, father, suppose you had { thousand dollars"
 "I won't do it I never had tha much money at one time in my life, ant ! never expect to-"
 } "Well, suppose you feel pretty sur' 1 that wheat will go up ten cents pc , bushel before harvest" s "I won't s'pose no sich thing don & s'nose i'll % 11p over four cents 5