Connecticut western news., 1883-03-14
ADVERTISING RATES!

"Ahw
 "I'n post you as ths meanest man in Detroit p
 "Honor bright?"
 "Yes, sir"
 "Say," said Jones, as he looked great ly relieved, "I wish you'd go ahead and do that. I've no commercial rating, no social standing, and am continually struggling in halfway position be- tween being able to get credit and dodge old creditors. If you'll only post me, will know just where I stand and what to look out for, and it'll save me work ing half an hour to get peanut-vender good-natned enough to trust me five cents worth. An ! Smith, knew you would do me 8 good turn if it ever came handy !''-Detroit Free Press. THE PASTORS STORY. One of our city pastors, says 6 New Haven paper, tells story at his own ex- pense He is in the habit of allowing the choir in his church to setvot-the hymns to be sung in public worship. lm- aoine his astonishment and horror Sun. day or two ago on finding that there had been selected for the opening service 6 hymn 'sfor church seeking pastor | "Oh Lord in ways of peace return, | Nor let Thy flock neglected mourni May our blest eyes shepherd see, l Dear to our souls and dear to Ihee' | He did not give out the hymn. he looked for hymn for church seeking a new choir. but failed to find any. He thinks of writing one.
 THE NEWER ARITHMETIC. l At $6 per ton how many tons of coal can be bought for $24? The green horn will answer " four tons.
 A stage coach robber was enabled to lay up $4, ,5s0 in ten months, but NJ agara hackman salted down $5, 265 in
 nine. How much better is it to rob at
 Niagara Falls than out West?
 | A tramp gets cold biscuit at one
 house, piece of meat at another, an old
 vest at the third, and the owner of the
 fourth house runs him three blocks with
 dog. How much more does the tranapre-
 spect the fourth person than the other
 three combined?
 It takes twenty blows of a hammer m the hands of woman to drive ten-pen-
 ny nail three inches. She misses the nail twice where she hits once. How
 many blows does she strike in all, and
 how far can her voice be heard when she strikes her thumb?
 ,I A gentleman who has library of , j12,OOO volumes, opens ten volumes per l year. At this rate how long will it take ? him to reach the last book? r In one month the owner of three min
 ute horse lied ninety-four times regard r ing his speed. At this rate how many d times would he lie in year, and how l. would it help the speed of the horse any?
 A school teacher gives pupil fourteen , paragraphs in the science of government, l thirteen examples in arithmetic, three pages of history, one page of grammar, one of orthography, and half an hour of writing as daily lesson and expects hum to pass 75 per cent. At this rate how j. long will it take her to rush him into 8 o lunatic asylum?
 " If lawyer charges plumber $5 for ~ advice, and the plumber charges the law Q Q yer $5.5O for stopping leak in water !; pipe, how much is the lawyer ahead? ;s A saloonist buys barrel of whisky in ,s bulk and draws two barrels from 1t by the drink. There is nothing to figure on
 this. The figuring was all done by the
 saloonist. t.-Dctroit Free Press. ,e AN EDITORS JOKES. m Bennett, of the New York Heratd, " must be a wild wag when away from a business. The World gives an account ot of the trip up the Mediterranean in the
 Namouna, from correspondent on the
 yacht, and says there was always lively
 party on board. Bennett was eternallJ
 playing jokes. The correspondent no says: s'Mr. Bennett used to have all tho
 men called up on deck and have then ay dance 8 sailors hornpipe. Then whel
 they got through he had champagn ut served to them like 8 prince. All tn Q time we were at Gibraltar had might
 hard time getting any sleep at all. The aid MT. Bennett was all the time playin Tn tricks like a student One night, yer bt late. he went down in the hold and file
 a big pan full of some sort of burnln Inv stuff and set it afire. There was bi +he flame and great deal of smoke at onc' in and he was delighted, and sent be ,ut rushing around the ship shouting Fire nd- Fire ? at the top of his voice like md madman. The guests down in u vas saloon and the sailors and all aboai md came up on deck terribly frightened al ent most of them only half dressed. Son was of them jumped overheard and boats h' dis to be lowered to pick them up. Th' ed: were very sheepish when MT. Benne for told them it was only a joke. He on I'll wanted to get them up so that they mig
 have some more fun with him. Now,
 tell you most of those fellows were pret
 mad, but you see they didn't say a a.wo ard because they were all his guests a lind didn't want to offend him. He order the up fizz and polly, and they sat tho and laughing and talking in their shirts his night-go gowns till morning.
 "Another time, after big dime nes, about one o'clock in the morning, one Bennett came up on deck alone and, c' loan ing one of the men on watch, told him
 wanted hose. The man fetched itto hi r a not suspecting anything, and taking ,nr1A- LII Il <lEA