Daily Republican., 1883-09-27
HUMOROUS.

ceased coughing ana samuel bnln
finally got . rest for his feet" what
l am longin' arter am sight ofa good
old fashioned man or woman-such at
we could find In every house thirty
years ago, and sich ~ cannot be found
uow In Q weeks hunt. It makes me
lonesome when I realize dat our old
fashioned men an wimin am no more.
In de days gone by, II fell sick, one
woman wOuld run In wild catn ip,
anoder wild horse rsilish leaves, anodel
wild bowl O. Cruel, an tears would
be shed, an kind words spoken, an
one couldn't stay sick to save him. IN
dose good old days de kaliker dress an
white apron ab0unded. An honest
woman wasn't afsared to wash hsl
face on account of de powder. Ebery
woman wore her own hair, an sbt
wore IL to please herself instead Of
fsshun."
A middle-aged couple from the coun
try drove up in front of one of our place,
of business on Market street to-day ,and
before alighting, the head of the family
with an emphatic shake of his head, ,ex.
claimed vehemsntly
"By gum, old woman, I amt half al
drunk as you think am"
Without any more words he descend
ed from the wagon, entered the store,
made his purchases and returned, and
after depositing them safely in the real
end Of the wagon was in the act Of again
mounting to his seat when his feet slip
ped from under him and his head came
In sharp contact with the wheel. Gath.
ering himself up from his predicament,
with the aid of his better half he man.
aged to become safely seated, and when
about to start off was heard to calculate
"Bb b.by g-R.gum, old woman, I'm
drunker than I thought l was
"I tell you pard," said old Jimmy
Cannon, q guide, the west has lost its
romance. Only little while ago, II
seems to me, where once there was
nothing but the whoop of the Indian
and the song Of the six.shooter, now
there are railroads and churches, and
commercial men, and high schools, and
| Ithree-card monte men, and lecturers,
and daily newspapers, and, every little
while, q natural death. Why, within
two months, ifthe blasted papers tel
the truth, several men have died In
Wyoming of disease. tell you, II
looks az though us old-timers would
have to move away. When we have II
wait for lingering disease to snuff III
out, it's time to light out for the from
tier"
$50 A. got away with 100000 p
said reporter to the president Of the
|-Bank. "Yes," responded the
president, with a sigh =" but that II
not the worst Of it," What ! did HI
take convertible bonds besides the
cash ?" No sir" retorted the president
the villain got away with my daugh
ter % '"Ah an elopement. Yes BY
Cupid 20" All - murmured the repor
ter, a Harvard graduate, thoughtfully
" falsus in unO falsus in omnibus.
Omnibus be smashed p roared The
president ; Omnibus, indeed No, sir,
steam cars. Darn 'em they Jumped
on the steam cars. Only blamed
fool would elope in an omnibus, any
how"
Several years ago writes correspOn
dent, met one Of the most desperate
men the West ever produced. 1t was
in post-trader's saloon. The bad
mans sometimes rival, now his friend
aud henchman, was one of the party.
admirela a magnificent breastpin which
the bad man wore. The design was Q
spar, and it was heavily set with dia
monds of the fest water. " Yes, y
said the bad man. its q fine pin
Jim," meaning the esser bad man
gave 1t to me. Do yon know what
for 2" I replied in the negative
Well" said he, eli '.a bad man
one Of the worst you eve saw-and he
gave me this pin because am a worse
man than he H."
"Can You put up a prescription y
asked . leading light OF the Good Tenn
plafs of a druggists apprentice. mo,
SIR I amt got that far yet, and the
boss has gone to lunch. I'm
lin hurry, and would like to have this
hlled," said the customer, laying a pre-
scription on the counter. "Oh, know
what that is" said the boy, brighten
ing up the deacons Of the churcl
around the corner come in here every
Sunday and get it for the collie" Ant
the boy handed down bottle of spiritu
frumenti and set "A tumbler before tn
customer.
i When you see q young man and
ditto woman sitting on the front stool
at II p. m, discussing the environment
of the Thisness, evolution, the age o
an atom, and 80 forth-especially tn
latter-with their heads so contiguOu
that a zephyr couldn't pass betwee
them without getting painfully squee2
ed, it would be safe to borrow million
dollars and wager the entire sum tina
they ara not brother and sister.
"What makes yer act dat way?
asked an old darkey of his wife, as sh
turned and looked at woman wh
E passed along the street. 81 wanter T.
see what she's got on" the woman re
piled. "Now, ai"'t that a fine trick
Wanter see what she's got on. Doa
think dat she's got OBJ yersef's clothes
does yer? Coms on, heah, now, "a,
quit yer tryin' ter act like wdsi'
oman"
Il Miss Edith has just favored the com
pany with brilliant performance o
, the violin. Miss Ehith's ma, to he
neighbor: 81 do so admire the violir
Yonr daughter plays, SUPPOSE" Mr.
lDePorque: "Wall, no, Alicia can
|play the violin, but she plays beau ifu
(iy on the bandoline. You know sh
I was two whole months at the Paris 0l
+ IservatOry."
"Mamma, asked 5.year-Old Whit
haller, as he returned from church q
Sunday morning, was Paul a doctor:
"No, nv son, she replied. Why d
you ask" "Cause the minister sal
!, he told man to take little wine ft
his stomachs ache, and that what p
says his doctor tells him to take whisk
). for"
At the seaside Why dear, we mu
= have nurse the baby is teething, an
\ will cry all night" Well, let hi
yell. Those stuck up neighbOrs of our
the JOneses, are in the next boarding.
house. If they hear him they will r.
+ cOguiZe his voice and know that we III