The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-02-14
COMIC COMMENTS.

Question answered: Inquirer Ntna
is the extreme penalty for bigamy? Two
moihers-in-law - Boston f'ot
Fashion item: A new color is called
four O'clock" If it's tie color Of a mans
nose as he goes meauderins hom" about
four O'Clock in the morning il must be q
mighty brilliant shade of red. = Bostoa
Post.
Consistency: "Ah, Brown. Under
stand you're going TO marry again z" - Yes;
my flrst wife always said was a fool, and
so am going into matrimony again, in or
der to be consistent, you know Boston
transcript.
AT the root of the matter: Brown
meets Fogg with his face tied up. Brown
"Got the toothache? Going to have your
teeth fxed?' Fogg with groan) y" No
am going to have one or two of them I'M
Hxed.r--B Boston Transcript.
Prevention better than eure " No,
mover beat a strange dog when he comes
into my yard and scratches mp the flower
garlen,n said the mild-faced gentleman /;
81 shoot him. An ounce of prevention,
you know, Is better than pound of cure"
---Boston Transcript
In luck A gentleman who boards at
Al Austin hotel called the waiter and said to
him: "Bring me bottle of wine, hut !
want good one" "You are in luck"
responded the waiter; you drank mp yes
terday the last bottle of poor wine we had
in tho house. ~ 1e1ds Sityiaas.
Taking orders so Henry has grad
mated ?" remarked q friend of the family.
What is he {, choose az profession
Tske orders, suppose. "Ah," replied
Henry's father, plain, eommon-sense man,
lyon don't know the boy, should laugh
TO see him taking orders from any one."--
Boston Transcript
-Anecdote of M. de Lesseps: One OF
his little ones had boil OF the fingers end
arrived at maturity, papa undertook to
pierce It. How you tremble ~ said Nine.
de Lesseps, afraid of the improvised sur.
geon's experiment. "Tremblc! tremble
nj piercing fester--i, who have pierced M
Isthmus ?n--F,9neh Paper.
"A royal wedding: A German eupeioS
made visit to one of his towns and was re.
eeived at the gate by long row of deputies.
Just as they were about TO address him q
neighboring donkey set up terrible bray
Gentlemen" said the emperor, "if you
wish me to understand yom, you must speak
ono at time" hedigpat joke.
-Canimkorors Legal adviser drawing
up the old gentleman's will)--" Um--Seems
pity yon should cnt off your son with a
shilling. But if you arc determined hem /!
what about the pictures? You have a
very valuable collection, sir" Crusty inva.
lid" Oh drat the pictures Leave them
10 the blind asylum ~ Linden Punch.
theological phenomenon rAere was
landslide near the Alpine village of Arth just
Ms party OF Chicago tourists were crossing
the mountains from Lake Lucefne. On be.
holding the movement of The enormous
mass OF earth and rock, juvenile member
of the party cried ont ut the pitch of his
voice Look yonder, mammo Sister
Sallie's lost her shoe ~ Brockiya Eagle.
-Approvea Trritnted mamma: "No,
II doesn't fit MS If he had becu born 10 tit
doesn't fit Mt all; aud | shall expect the
money back" Mr.. Moses But s'help
me :" iriiated mau,ma: "Your adver
tisements say, Money returned If not ap
proved" Mr.. Moses: 80 they do mt
tear, so they do but your money vas ap
proyed---it vas very goot monsy."---Aaon.
"A claw under the velvet: Miss Swarth.
ington had been 10 the fair, whore she had
her silhouette taken, what do you think
of my picture?" shc asked. handing il to
Mrs Plauetnng, 1.-The profile is good"
replied Mrs r., "but don't you think it A
little too dark ?" Miss Swarthington smiled,
hut war afterwards heard TO mutter: "A
little too dark The hateful old thing ~
Boston Transcript
Music aud the culinary art: An egg
polka has been composed in Berlin, tho mu.
sic of which just lasts long enough to boil
an egg properly. We may now expect to
hear of veal-cutlct waltz and porter
house-steak lancers; but TO cook the average
boardng.h house spring chicken we fear that
nothing less than performance of "Parsi-
fal" will indicate the tune necessary to pre-
pare it sufficiently. -Puok.
Pleasing unanimity; Swell, Uncle
Nose" said Reverend Baxter. ~ expect
your poor wife must be nearly worn out
taking care Of you whilo you were sick. II
ever there was a woman that deserved
Heaven, ii Is your wife. She am de desar-
venest CONAN In Austin" YES" said
Nose, "dat's fac, aud has been prayin'
to the Lord to glib her what she deserves
right ~ eras Sifyinss
Accuracy: A mathematical professor
had been invited by city friend to visit
him at his residence in certain square and
had promised to do So Meeting him some
time afterward, the friend inquired OF the
professor why he did not come to see him.
~ did come" said the mathematician,
"but there was some mistake. You told
me that you lived in a square and found
myself in parallelogram, SO went away
ngain. " Anon.
Excused. Many years ago, when Chiei
Justice Oakley was holding court, among
others who applied to be excused from jury
duty was commonplace looking man. with
few spots on his face. What's the OK.
ense ~ asked the Chief Justice, without
raising his head "rve got the itch ~
said the man, with scared look lie.
the clerk scratch him OUT said tho Judge,
without smile, and called for the nexi
nian.--Nse York Herald.