davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
HUMOROUS.

A continued story in an amateur
Journal opens as follows; ''Will you tell
me where my collar-buttOn is9"
''Never!' "Then you must die!'-N.
y. Journal.
PLEASE to give me something, sir?'
says an old woman. II had 4 blind
child; he was my only means of subsist-
ence, and the poor boy has recovered
his sight!''
-"Why must we mourn for vanished
light?" asks poet. 1t may be owing
to the fact that it has been cut off at
the meter, because of the failure t0epay
an old gas bill. 1t sometimes happens
that way.-Norristo,0n Herald.
"A "sasiety'' gusher, in telling
where she was going for the summer,
said: I'm going to Newport, and I'm
going to take my maid, my nurse, my
TWO dogs, my children, and-and, oh,
yes, my husband. IN. y Meas.
Plantation Philosophy.-Honestyi is
gettin' scarcer cherry year case dare is
more people ter pervide. Pleasures
decrease as da come near us. De fish
is a heap bigger fore yer gifts it outen
de water. De injurious in dis worl' is
alters de fanciest. De brandy-bOttle is
fixed up finer den de bread-tray. A
well-fed Niger is de happiest man in de
worl. 1t doan make no diff ence bout
clothes, but gin him some hog, an den
take care.-ArkansdW Traveller.
A New York schoolma am COM
plains that too much favOritism is
shown by the school trustees. She says
pretty teachers are promoted to the
exclusion of their palmer sisters, al
though the latter may be more intelli.
gent. Twas ever thus. The pretty
teacher is also frequently promoted to
the position of wife to the exclusion OF
the homely teachers-and about year
after marriage she wishes she were sim
gle and teeehing the fourth class in the
primary department. -Norristo,cn Her.
aid.
"A friend of mine, who dabbles con-
siderably in stocks, walked into we'll
known clearinghouse the other day,
and created considerable excitement BY
remarking: Il got a pretty good thing
when l bought that, last winter 1t
was at thirty -four then, and to-day it
stands at ninety-five.' 'Well, should
say so" exclaimed the senior partner
But what stock was it, :. 1t was a
thermometer, cOolly replied my
friend. 1t didn't cost the boys any
thing for lemonade that day.-Bosfon
Times.
Mrs. W is character in a
certain country village. A few days
ago she met lad driving a fine load OF
hay to market. She stopped him, in
CURED the quality and price of the hay.
and, after much deliberation, ordered
the boy to drive his horse into her
yard. The place was rather STRAIT for
the wagon to enter, but he finally
managed to drive in, and prepared to
unload. Looking up to the lad. who,
pitchfork in hand, was about to toss ct
the hay she said. with great simplicity:
g You may give ME about enough for
a hens nest: I've been wanting it for
some time. "-DetrOit Post.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
A Misusel Word.

Perhaps the best abused word in the
language is professor" There APP
pears to be mania for attaching it to
was when the word carried with it a
certain 81 significance, but nowadays that
significance is found only in its insignifi-
canoe. A fledgling of one-and-twenty,
who, to use the expression of Ephraim
Smooth, "rubbeth the hair of the
horse against the bowels of the cat, or,
in other words, plays the fiddle, is
dubbed a professor; the bruiser, whose
only ambition is to knock out of all
semblance of humanity the face of his
opponent, is professor of the manly
art;'' the negro who polishes your boots
for the munifcent remuneration of five
cents is perforce a professor; the col
lector Of the city's garbage and the
driver of the street-sweeping machine
are professors; and so also is the
operator to whose tender mercies YOU
submit your CHM to be reaped, with Sc
rious misgivings concerning the safety
of your throat, and so on, ad infinitum.
This may be all right, for it is level
ing age, and what right has any man,
no matter what his moral or intellectual
standing, to possess and enjoy title
which his fellow-man, no matter how
far down in the social scale he may be,
has not the same right to appropriate?
But, for all that, the indiscriminate use
of the word borders on absurdity, and
if there is any significance whatever in
the use of the title; if it carries with it
any particular honor, or if it is SYMBOL
cal of any special fitness as applied to
the teachers of any of the liberal arts
and sciences, then it should be applied
only to those who are entitled by high
intellectual standing to rightly wear It.
Traveller.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
HONE. FARM AND GARDEN.

In judging horse he should always
be made to stand still. Defects in the
limbs or feet that would be unnoticed
while in motion will be plainly seen
BY his care to rest weak or diseased
muscles when standing.-Cincinnat,
Times.
Mr. Charles Glib SAYS that in Rus
sia the hnervarieties of plums are raised
by planting the trees at an angle OF
forty -tive degrees or lower, and bending
them down before snow falls in winter,
which then covers and protects them
completely.
If you are afraid that your yeast
cakes are little stale. put one of them
in a cup of warm water with good
pinch of hops; let this stand for an
hour or so before using; it will have an
excellent effect on the yeast and will in
sure good bread.-Erchanqe.
An indianapolis Qnd. fruit grower
says: Last year l put twelve moles in
my strawberry patch of five acres to
catch the grubs, and they did the work.
| never had dozen plants njured dur
ing the summer, either by the grubs OF
mOles. / know some people do not
care for mOles on their farms, but ]
want them in my strawberry patch"
Lemon Custard: Twelve eggs.
twelve cupfuls of sugar; six lemons;
one tablespoonful of flour; two tea
spoonsful of cream. Crate and squeeze
/ the lemons, mix the sugar well with
| them, add the well-beaten yelks. ther
the flour, the cream. and last of all, the
well-beaten whites. Bake in pie-plates,
lined with rich puff PASTE Chicago
Herald.
A delicious pound-cake that is
made without using soda is highly rec
ommended: One pound of sugar (eithei
granulated or pulverized), half a pounC
of butter, eight eggs (the whites and
yelks beaten separately, ten ounces Of
flour; for tlavOring. one whole nutmeg
grated. This cake should be baked foI
an hour and quarter in moderately
hot Chicago Journal.
The use of rye in the garden of az
! Ohio truck grower is mentioned by the
| Farmer of that State: THAT part of the
| garden that can be cleaned off i'm time
is plowed and sowed with rye, anC
whatever manure is ready is spread a,
| that time. The rye makes quite a growth
during the fall and winter, and wher
turned under in spring counts some
thing rs fertilizer. besides rendering
the soil very mellow. In the sweet corr
the rye is sOwn at the time the corn re-
ceives its last working
The gocsebarry and currant dc
well in partial shade. In fact, if YOU
would have the gooseberrN in great per.
lection, get lot of old brushwood and
cover the rows closely. so that the
plants will have to push through. anc
you will be astOnished at the growth
| and healthfulness of the bushes. The
decaying wood also furnishes an excel
lent manure for them. The finest cur
rants ever grown can be had by mulch
| ing with old chestnut burrs. or ever
sawdust. 1t has been noted that the
grapevine thrives amazingly when il
gets into an asparagus bed. These are
generally elevated, and are thus dry
| while the rich soil necessary for aspar
agus is also good for grapes.-Ameri.
can CultiratOr.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
Information Wanted.

A City Hall official was about to de-
part for home and dinner the other day,
when stranger entered and intro
duced himself as John Linden, and
added:
II presume yOu are a smart man, or
you wouldn't be holding this position.
| want to ask you a question or two.
You own a hOrse?'
"NO, sir"
don't Ell? If YOU did own one,
and he had symptoms of poll-evil, what
would you do?"
q can't tell, sir. 1 am just going
to dinner.''
Yes, l know, but I've another
question or two? Was Cleopatra a
married woman?'
Il don't know. sir
"Don't you? That's bad, for I've a
bet of three to one that you knew all
about it, Well, we'll let that pass.
DO you think that Shakespeare lived
happily with his wife, and is there any
truth in the rumor heard up on Mich.
gan avenue half an hour ago that he
hated cats?"
What do l know about these
thingsr' exclaimed the official. 81
am in hurry, sir!''
$50 am !, but wait a minute more.
Let's see! Oh. yes, l wanted to ask
you if it would be of any use to try to
revive person who had been drowned
three days.
NO, sir" shouted the official.
Wouldn't, Ell! Sorry for that, for
have bet of ten to five that it would
be. SIT down a minute while ask YOU
another question. DO you believe that
maternal instinct descends to fish.
worms?'
Il believe you are crank, sir, and
-"
You do. Ell? Then l win bet Of
twenty to five, and will never cease to
be grateful. History tells us of the
youth
81 am going home!'
Certainly. and I'll walk up street
with you. History tells us of the youth
who fired the Ephesian DOME"
Il don't care--I don't care a cent,
sirr'
'.Yes, but what was his name, and
was the dome insured? Did the fire de-
partment come out, and was the youth
arrested on charge of incendiar.sm?
want your decision?''
$50 away-go off, don't want
you!' shouted the official, as he tried to
outwalk the other.
"You know, don't you?'
mo, sir-no, sir-go way from
me!'
you don't? Then lose a double
barreled shotgun on bet that you did.
One more question"
The official rushed for a car and
entered it, but the man walked along
beside it and looked through the win
dow and said:
what is meant by the term 'spon-
taneous outburst?' l have frequently
seen it in print, and thought I'd ask
you to explain"
A silver half-dollar changed hands in
the car, and broad-shouldered laborer
jumped out and spit on his hands and
ran the information-seeker into hard
ware store, where he had no sooner re-
covered his breath than he said to the
clerk who came forward:
I've always thought if l ever got
time to call in here I'd ask you if it was
true that Henry VIII. invented Sara
toga fried potatoes"-Dctrot Free
Press.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
I SCREAM.

Tell us not i'm mournful numbers
That this life is but dream,
When a girl that weighs one hundred
Gets outside quart of cream
And then wants more.
-E1mird Gazette.
Life is real, life is earnest,
And the girls know what they need,
But on cream they are the biggest
Set to show their grit and greed.
No encore.
BE not like dumb. driven cattle,
BE hero i'm the strife:
Never with her mother battle,
Save the ice-cream for your wife.
Proceed.
Brooklyn Eag'e.
Yet us then be up and doing,
With heart for any fate;
But never let MS go a-woOing
Girls that want another plate.
How's that
-Meriden NersbOy.
Lives of such girls all remind us,
As we float adown the stream,
That the boys who come behind us
Will have to pay for lots OF cream.
Next.
-TOnIsers Statesman.
And. departing, leave another
Bill for unpaid plates of cream,
Which, perhaps, some fOrlorn brother,
Seeing. may take heart again.
And get trust also.
". y. E. II. Journal.
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow
Is our destined end or way:
But to treat though cash we borrow,
Deserted when we cease to pay.
Don't it?
-Pdlmer Journal.
Trust no girl. however pleasant,
With one plate to be content;
She'll eat until her lover hasn't
To his name another cent.
And then shake him.
-.SOmsTciUe Journal.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
A Big Story Of Teller's Speculation,

An interesting story is told OF the
way in which a paying teller of one
Of the city banks, of shrewd and
provident turn of mind, was able to ac-
quire competency in a short time,
and then retire from his position with
out the bank having been any the loser
by the operation and without having
his own reputation blasted. The story
is that the bank carried heavy cash
balance to meet such calls as might be
made upon it from day to- day. and to
draw upon in case of run. This was
intrusted to the paying teller. Instead
of allowing this sum to remain in the
banks safe, as was the intention of the
directors. and as they supposed to be
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16

1t is said the mailing system of the
United States is the most complete and
perfect in the world. As an illustra-
ton. Mrs. j. P. Pond, of Napa. Cal, a
few DAYS since had returned from the
dead-letter Office letter written by her
husband sixteen years ago to friend in
San Francisco.-San Francisco Chron-
i.je
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16

The tricks of smugglers are ingeni-
Gus, but not past finding out. A pass
enger who arrived at New York from
Havana recently carried three overcoa' 5
on his arm. A Customs Inspector was
seized with the idea that it was a rather
warm day for such an unusual amount
IF clothing, and an investigation found
the Innings of the coats contained one
thousand dollars worth of jewelry,
which was declared forfeited to the Gov
ernment.-N. Y Tribune.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16

John Eggleston. aged seventy-foul
years. a lifelong resident of COrinth.
Saratoga County, N. Y. died few
days since. Phe deceased never lived a
day out of that town. He possessed
considerable property, but never was
fifty miles from home during his long
Ms,--aroy (N " Times.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16
Wash.

married my wife for her beauty;
She married me for my-wit,
That got the best OF the bargain
I'm candid enough to admit.
Wit often subsidies into drivel,
That "beauty soon fades" Il all bOAh;
NV wife is to-day at the wash-tub,
40 I'm certain that beauty VIII wash.
Buffalo Nera
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-08-16

Tell MS not i'm mOurnful numbers
That this life is but dream.
When a girl that weighs one hundred
Gets outside quart of cream
And then wants more.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1883-09-11
Jottings from the Courts.

Charles A. Shotwell has begun suit on ac-
count against Clarence c. Howard for $791,S2,
and Newton Claypool is made defendant In
garnishmenU proceedings, it being alleged that
he has in his possession considerable money
which belongs to Howard, who is now a resi-
dent of New York.
George W. Dick has brought suit for divorce
from Laura b. Dick, to whom he was married in
1873, alleging adultery and drunkenness.
Harmon j. Everett mas been appointed guar
dian of Thomas j. McCurdy, bond 5000.
The last will of Ell Sanders, late of Valley
Mills, has been admitted TO probate. 1t leaves
all his property to his wife and children, and his
brother, William, is named as executor.
Richard j. Butler wants a legal separation
from Rebecca Butter, whom he married in 1874.
He accuses her of cruel treatment, absence,
abandonment and various other mlsdoipgs, and
asks the custody of their four children.
The Youngstown (OhO) Malleabe Iron Com
pany has begun SUIT on account against K. r.
Rouse, of this city, for 81, 900.
Thomas j. Eaton, of Toledo. has brought suit
in the federal court against Robert Douglass of
Princeton, Ind, for $1,000 Suit has also been
entered i'll the court by the Farmers
National Bank, of sullivan, against HOstetter IL
Williams, on a note for IL 200,
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1883-09-11

giving satisfaction all around. The best feature
of the matter is thar it removes all grounds for
the common and unjust charge that conductors
knock down fares, as the term goes
Vice President and General Manager Malott
will to-day close contract for a new lrOn-bridSe
on the Belt road over Pleasant run. The heav-
iec traffic the road and the using of consol
engines has necesslrated strengthening all the
bridges ana trestles on the road
The Indiana, BloOmin gtOn IL Western road Is
struggling with blockade on the west-side.
The company is attempting to do the business
OF three roads in yard which, In former years,
when nsed only by the Peoria division of the l..
B. & w. system, blockaded whenever there
was brisk freight movement
There is good authority for the statement that
the Cincinnati, Hamilton & indianapolis and the
Cincinnati, indianapolis, st. Louis Chicago
outside offices are to pc closed, Vce-Presdent
and General Manager Waite, of the c., H. IL
d. line having consented TO such an arrange
ment, providing his road is not placed to amy
disadvantage by the c., l., ST L. & G. continuing
TO keep an Office open.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1883-09-11
AFFAIRS OF THE RAILWAYS
Thirty Years Ago 9, Now 146 Trains
Handled at the Union Depot.
Friends of Pools JubiIant Over the Situation
Fears that the T., G. & st. Will
BE Wrecked.
THE UNION DEPOT.
Yesterday the Thirtieth Anniversary of the
Oneninc- of the Dennt for Rnsiness.

Yesterday the Thirtieth Anniversary of the
Opening of the Depot for Business.
The Union Depot was opened for business and
tickets first sold Sept. 10, 1858, consequently,
yesterday was the thirtieth anniversary of its
opening. The originators of the Union Rail
way Company and Union Depot, were John
Brough, president of the Decline; Oliver Fl.
Smith, president of the Indiana Central, and
Chauncey Rose, president of the Terre Haute &
indianapolis roads. General Tom Morris
chief engineer and superintendent OF
construction, and, after completed, he was
general manager of the company's affairs.
Uncle Billy Jackson, as he is familiarly known,
was general ticket agent, and VIM. Miller assist
ant ticket agent, when the depot was opened for
lasiDess. Each DAD ran one train each way,
maj king six trains which arrived and departed
on week days, no Sunday trains were then
run. few days after the opening the INDIAN
apOis Peru road, then completed TO Mobiles
vile, commenced running its trains into the
depot, making four roads and eight trains day
arriving and departing. IlcEeJs for New YORK
over the Bee-liDe were then sold to Beefon-
taiae, thence over the Cleveland, Sandusky IL
Columbus road TO Sandusky, then by boat to
Buffalo, The road not being opened to Cleveland
until 1856 Thirty years six trains ar
rived and departed at the Union depot
daily; now there are lac daily trains of ten more
roads occupying the Union depot, and four
teenth (the Chicago IL indianapolis A1r-llne) ask
ing for admission, the shortest of these roads
being over one hundred miles in length. The
Jnre6 men ABOVE named VINO originated
tho enterprise certainly conceived the idea wise
ly, as time has demonstrat ed and although they
are now in their graves it is but just to their
memory to say that they were men who acted
with much wisdom and forethonght, as the pres
ent depot has served lis time well, and to-day
shelters more trains under one roof than any de-
pot in this country. While Outsi ers sometimes
thou0htlessly speak sneerlngly of the Union Rail
way Company, the fact that they nave, as new
roads come in here admitted them at reasonable
r ntals is commendabe, and 1t is no exaggera-
lIOn TO Say that there railroad point III this
Or any other country where Year by year so
much harmony has been manifested by so many
different interests.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1883-09-11
NOTICE TO BUILDERS.

Notice is hereby given that the undersigned
Board of Commissioners of the county Of Glib
son, in the State of Indiana. have adopted plans
and specifications for a new courthouse to be
constructed at Princeton, in said county, and the
same are now on file in the office of the Auditor
of said county, and that up to - O'Clock NJ,
on the goth day of September, 1888, sealed bids
are invited and will be received by said board,
at the office of said Auditor, at Princeton, Ind-
ana, for the construction of said courthouse,
and the contract therefor will be let to the low
est responsible bidder said board reservng the
right reject any and all bids. Such bids will
be received for the whole work and for the
separate parts thereof, and each bid must he
accompanied by good and sufficient bond, pay
able to the State of Indiana signed by the bid
der and at least two resident freehold sureties,
which bond shall guaranty the faithful perform
ance and execution of the work bid for in case
the same is awarded TO SAID bidder, and that the
contractor so receiving the contract, shall
promptly pay all debts incurred by him in the
prosecution of such work, including labor. ma
terials furnished and for boarding the laborers
thereon. Said courthouse will be ninety by one
hundred ana twenty feet, faced with stone,
pressed brick and terra Gotta, and tire-prOof
throughout The plans and specifications there
for may he inspected at said AUDITORS office,
and also at the office OF Messrs. Mcdonald Bros,
architects, Louisville, KY.
Witness our hands this Sth day of August,
1888. SYLVESTER BENsON,)
JOHN 8. MEAD, Com.
JOSIAH KIGHTLY, )
Lucius G. Embree, Attorney.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1883-09-11

The earnings of The Lake Erie g. Western road
for August were $148,745 81, decrease of $780,
800 as compared with August, 1882.
The Peoria, Decatur & Evansville road earned
in the month of August $40 4SO73, an increase
of S75746 over the earnings for the correspond
ing period 1882.
III 1916 the Pennsylvania Central road was
chartered, and then 1t took full year to place
the So, 500, 900 OF stock which had to be sub
seriDeu before the work could be begun.
The New York Central & Hudson River rail
road has declared its regular quarterly dividend
of per cent, payable October Is. This effect
uaiiy dlspOses OF the recent bear talk about re-
duction III the rate of dividends.
California granger recently advocated the
passage of "a law which should make it crime
for any railroad company to pull private car
without full CONDENSATION. The Railway Regis
ter says: 'If such "a measure ever goes through,
a certain railway journalistic magnate Will have
a car on his hands"
The Chicago, Burlington & Quincy railroad
has just made contract for the construction of
thirty miles of road southwest from kepesaw.
Neb. T,Is is a part of the new cutoff on the
Burlington u Missouri river, sixty-fve miles in
length, which, when completed, will shorten the
line TO Denver about thirty miles.
An ingenious contrivance for loading and I'M
loading heavy articles, and for drawing away
the debris of wrecks, has just been constructed
by tho PENNSYLVANIA Company. The machine
CONSISTS of an iron car ana steam engine
com lned, with a crane for graphing any arti-
Gle and moving IL wherever wanted.
Parties who have travelled quite extensively
over the Southwest within the last few weeks
say the outlook for roads in southern Missouri
and Arkansas is not promising, as the crops III
that section deficient in yield, ana the man
ayers Of those roads especially of the new Ar
kansas and Southwestern Missouri lines, may
consider themselves fortunate If they are able TO
sufficient TO cover operating expenses and
interest on their bonds during the next twelve