Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-07-18
THE ARKANSAS AGUE.

1
"Speakin' bout the Arkansaw ager,
said the man with the sandy goatee and
squint eyes, as he leaned back in his
chair, "that's whar you saw my heart.
strings, in case I've got any left to saw
on"
"Did you ever live there?'
"Did I? Well, reckon / sort O. ex-
listed in them parts goin' on fifteen
years"
And you had the ague?"
Had it? Why, wallered in it.
Gentlemen, gaze on me r
The crowd gazed.
"When L moved down into Arkansaw
from Tennessee, risin' of sixteen years
ago, I was purty-I was, for fact I
had a dozen skule-marms in love with
me to once, and hang me up if every gal
in the ballroom wouldn't break her neck
fur the honor of dancin' with me. Yes,
I was purity and I was good. I was so
purity that children cried fur me, and 80
good that I was taken fur preacher on
more'n hundred occasions. Whar' has
my purity gone? Whar' is my good
ness? Goodl Why, I've got to be the
infernallest alligator in the hull swamp,
aud I'm CROWN meaner at the rate of a
mile day! Fact-solemn fact, and
that cantankerous ager is to blame fur
the hull of it. I've got a squint to my
eyes, my nose has bin driven back an
inch, and what teeth I've got left have to
'e wedged in every Sunday with pine
ngs or I'd swallow 'em. Purity! Why.
The sight of my phiz down in st. Louis
killed Texas steer dead'rn a door nail,
md was tryin' to look handsome at
that p
you said you had the ague?"
"Said so! Do you s'pose all the
other calamities in this hull kentry could
nave busted me up in that way? You
bet 1 had 'er? I struggled with 'er right
'i"ng fur leven straight vars without a
let-up. Gentlemen, let me harrer your
souls with few timely remarks. Your
Michigan ager is grasshopper, and one
lose .;f kyneen knocks 'er dead. Out
IN nlinoy the ager is bigger-about like
squirrel. In Missouri she's about the
size of woodchuck, and when she
strikes down into Arkansaw she's wolf
three feet high, seven feet long and
built to take hold like thousand buzz
saws. Great slams but what tussels I
have had with that ere critter! Say,
did yer ever ride in one-hoss wagin'
over stone quarry? Was We ever seat
ed on the top rail of fence when hur-
ricane moved it at the rate of six miles
u mint Did ye ever have ciycone
pick We up and mop We over forty acres
Of river bottom, wollop ye through ten
acres of wood and use We for tool to
knock down a hundred acres of cane
brake Well, that hain't the ager.not
the Arkansaw kind; it's only the fust |
ftint preliminaries.
He stopped to relight his cigar and
then continued:
maybe yell git some idea of the Ar
Sansaw ager when I tell ye that I once
unlimited both shoulders in shakin', and |
it was light shake at that. When I |
had ON one of my regular double-back-
action shakes could jar jug of whisky |
out of the crotch of tree twenty-eight |
,ods off. Nobody dast pile up cord-wood
within half mile of my cabin, and |
hats a solemn fact. I devoured ky
,cen just as you eat corn beef, and my
, Ill system finally got SO bitter that a
log who smelt of my leg couldn't get
he quicker out of his mouth inside of ten
lays. Gentlemen, I do not wish to
,ro!ong this agony. We will have some
ick.r, and 1 will then seek few needed
rp ses."