The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-03-07
How He Fooled His Parents.

"What is that stuff on your
shirt bosom, that looks like soap
grease" said the grocer man to the
bad boy, as he came into the grocery
the morning after Christmas.
The boy looked at his shirt front,
put his fingers on the stuff and
smelled of his fingers, and then said,
"Oh, that is nothing but little OF
the turkey dressing and gravy. You
see after pa and l got back from the
roller skating rink yesterday, pa was
all broke up and he couldn't carve
the turkey, and had to do it, and
pa sat in a stuffed chair with his
head tied up, ard a pillow amongst
his legs; and he kept complaining
that l didn't do it right. Col darn
a turkey any way. L should think
they would make turkey fiat on
the back, so he would lay on a grea-
sy platter without skating all around
the table. 1t looks easy to see pa
carve turkey, but when l speared
into the bosom of the turkey, and
began to saw on it, the turkey rolled
around as though it was on castors,
and it was all | could do to keep ii
out Of mas lap. But | rassled with
it till | got off enough white meat
for pa and ma and dark meat enough
for me, and L dug out the dressing
but most of it flew into my shirt
bosom, cause the string that tied up
the place where the dressing was
concealed about the person of the
turkey, broke prematurely and one
oyster hit pa in the eye, and he said
L was az awkward as a eross-eyed
girl trying to kiss a man with q hair
lip. fl ever got to be the head Of 3
family / shall carve Turkeys with a
corn shelter"
But what broke your pa up at
the roller skating rink ?" asked the
grocery man.
"Oh, everything broke him up.
He is split up so ma buttons the
top of his pants to his collar button
like bicycle rider. Well, he had
no business to have told me and my
chum that he used to be the best
skater in North America, when he
was a boy. He said he skated from
Albany to New York in an hour and
eighty minutes. Me and my chum
thought if pa was such a terror on
skates we would get him to put on a
pair of roller skates and enter him
as the great unknown" and clean
out the whole gang. We told pa
that he must remember that roller
skates were different from ice skates
and that maybe he couldn't skate
on them, but he said it didn't make
any difference what they were as
long as they were skates, and he
would Just paralyze the whole crowd
So we got q pair of big roller skates
for him, and while we were strap
ping them on, pa he looked at the
skaters glide around on the smooth
waxed floor Just as though they were
creased. Pa looked at the skates on
his feet, after they were fastened
sort of forlorn like, the way horse
thief does when they put shackles on
his legs, and l told him if he was
afraid he couldn't skate with them
we would take them off, but ne said
he woulk beat anybody there or bust
suspender. Then we Strengthened
pa up, and pointed him towards the
middle of the room, and he said
"leggo," and we just give him little
push to start him, and he begun to
go, Well, by gosh, you'd 3 dide to
have seen pa try to stop. You see,
you can't stick in your heel and stop,
like you can ON ice skates, and pa
soon found that out, and he began
to turn sideways, and then he threw
his arms and walked on his heels,
and he lost his hat, and his eyes be-
gan to stick out, cause he was going
right towards an iron post. One
arm caught the post and he circled
around it a few times, and then he
let go and began to fall, and, sir, he
kept falling all across the room, and
everybody got out of the way, ex-
cept a girl, and pa grabbed her by
the polonaise, like a drownding man
grabs at straws, though there wasn't
any straws in her polonaise as /
knew of, but pa just pulled her
along as though she twas done
up in shawl-strap, and his feet
went out from under him and he
struck on his shoulder and kept
agoing, with the girl dragging along
like bundle of clothes. If pa had
another pair of roller skates on his
shoulders, and castors on his ears
he couldn't have slid along any bet
ter. Pa is as hort, big man, and as
he was rolling along on his back, he
looked like sofa with castors on
being pushed across room by a
girl. Finally pa come to the wall
and had to stop, and the girl fell
right across him, with her roller
skates in his neck, and she called
him an old brute, and told him if he
didn't let go of her polonais she
would murder him. Just then my
chum and me got there and we anl-
putated pa from the girl, and lifted
him up, and l told him for heavn's
sake to let us take of the skates,
cause he couldn't skate any more
than a COW, and pa was mad and
said for us to let him alone, and he
could skate all right, and we let GO
and he struck out again. Well, sir.
| was ashamed. An old man like
pa ought to know better than to try
to be boy. This last time pa said
ne was going to spread himself, and
| if / am any Judge ofa big spread, be
did spread himself. Somehow the
skates had got turned around side
ways on his feet, and his feet got to
going in different directions, and pas
feet were getting so far apart that
was afraid / would have two pas
half the size, with one leg apiece
l tried to get him to take up col
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