The Middlebury register and Addison County journal. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1883-1885, 1883-02-23
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

~ heaVy maSh-"Irutn crushed 10
DEATH"
Raising food from the plate to the
mouth is the best health lift.
Don't despise thing because it's
little. Aquart jug will hold more than
most men.
The toothless man ought to be a
sweet talker, for all his words must of
necessity be gum drops.
Why cannot two slender persons
ever become great friends? Because
they will always be alight acquaint-
ances.
Skeletons are now sold at the ridicu-
lousy low price of $25. At that rate
almost every family can have one in the
closet.
The zodiacal sign for the opening Of
winter is goat. The goat is hard
butter, and hard butter is almost al
ways a sign that the weather is cold.
The turtle is so slow that he must
take his house with him when he goes
out for a walk. Otherwise he might
not be able to reach home by bedtime.
An old bachelor says: at is all nom
sense to pretend that love is blind. l
never knew man in love that did not
see ten times as much in his sweetheart
as l could"
A young man who was told by his
employer that his services were no
longer needed, but was given no expla-
nation, said that he considered his
discharge quite tout of place"
Why bugle trimmings are so-called:
"Why are those things on your dress
called bugle trimmings?" George
wanted to know. "Oh," Emily re-
piled, lightly, because pa blows so
over the bill.
A Philadelphia inventor has worked
for year trying to make pin which
women would not put in their mouths.
He has succeeded, but don't expect to
sell many. The pins are as big as rail-
road spikes.
A young politician explained the
tattered condition of his trousers to his
father by stating that he was sitting
under an apple tree enjoying himself
when the farmers dog came along and
contested his seat.
Mrs. Ray, the first woman that went
to Leadville, dug in the mines, secured
the plains as scout, took in washing.
and now has a fortune of 100000.
Her husband undoubtedly regards her
as "bright ray"
"Jane," said father, 81 thought you
hated stingy people, andyet your young
man" "Why, pa, who said he was
stingy?" "Oh, nobody" replied pa,
"only 1 could see he was little close
as passed through theroom."
Woman's love: "Do you believe
that a woman nowadays would die for
the object of her love-" asked bache-
lor friend. 81 don't know whether she'd
die or not" answered the Benedict,
"but I've known her to go wild when
the trimming didn't suit her."
Unconscious repartee. Uncle Dick
Can artist )-"Well, Johnny, and what
are you going to be?" Johnny-T
shall be a judge, like papa" Uncle
Dick-"Ah! but you haven't brains
enough. my boy" Johnny-"( y, then
I'll be an artist, like you"
"My mothers awful fickle," said lit
tie Edith to Mrs. Smith, who was max
ing call. "When she saw you COM
ing up the street she said, There's
that horrid Mis- Smith; l hope she isn't
coming here and minute after she
told you she was real glad to see you"
A farm item remarks that in fly-time
cows should be kept in stalls. This is
for the convenience of the fly, increas-
ing his opportunity of concentration.
and economizing much valuable time
that would be otherwise consumed in
chasing frisky heifer through ten
acre lot.
At the butchers: Irate customer
THAT goose 1 bought here last week
was as tough as leather judgment, and
|
My wife says she bets that gosse has
seen twenty winters" Butcher
Quite likely" Irate customer-"What
do you mean, then by saying it was but
six months oldg" Butcher-"Y GU for
get, sir, that it was q female. Gallan-
try to the sex would not permit me to
put the age beyond that"