The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1883-09-11

THE worst racket ever had was with
q wild stag. He shook mo up SOS I
thought I'd never get over It,"
"How WAS that P''
"Why, it WAS rousin bio buck.
Jim W. got the horns now. You see
he was follerin' doe. | shot the doe
with one bari, and HIM with the other
and thought lie WAS all right, but when
l stepped over log to look for him in
the bushes, he lit on me- so nn;ok r
couldn't use my gun. He knocked T.
out OF my hand, and then nv knife
some way, and 1 grabbed his horns.
l tnought ho'd never stop yankin' me
round"
"How did you get clear Of HIM p"
"! gave his horns twist and disloca-
ted his neck"
"rhat was lucky twist"
A BOY or years old was passing
along Elizabeth street yesterday with a
dime in his fingers, when another bov
accosted him with:
"What ye going to buy %
"Camphor."
"What for?"
~ hSop nOCuS away.
Say, said the second boy as he
came nearer, 'Ill tell you what I'll do.
II youll spend five cents O that for can.
dy IL lend you my dog all one day to
hunt down the moths, and if he don't
catch EN- all I'll lend you the bossest
rat.trap IN this city ! You can just as
we'll save five cents as not"
HERE, said an ignorant fellow. as
he stepped into jewelers. shop, "I
oan't DO anything with this watch. I've
showed the regulator round as far as it
will go, but it keeps q losing time. /"
"Why, man. exclaimed the JeweIer,
Its al hour and a half ahead of time
now What did you set it by2" When
IL was ascertalned that the silly fellow
had been trying to time it by gas
meter the jeweler didn't wonder a bit
that the watch couldn't iegln to keep
up.
I've stolen n coat" said a man to q
lawyer, land 1 want you to defend me-
Ihlnk you can prove me- innocent ?"
ION, yes; We can prove that you were
III an adjoining tow nship when the coat
was stolen and the prosecution is mali
olous. "How much will you charge? ?''
"What sort of a coat is n" First rate:
never been worn any," "Well, t won't
charge you anything. Just give me- t e
coat"
did you see anything that particu-
larl y struck your fancy when yon were
looking around the furniture stores to-
day p asked a young Somervllle hus-
band of his lately made wife, on her
return from her furniture inspection.
'Yes, she replied; 81 saw somethinp @
exceedingly pretty in looking glasses. !"
81 have no doubt you did" he ob.
served, eff you looked INTO them"
The halo Of calm, sweet peace rests
upon that home.
"WHAT troubles you, Carbon?" asked
rogg as he entered the Office of the
coal dealer, who was bending over his
books with corrugated brow. "I've
been trying three hours to make these
books balance" replied Carbon, land
I'm about ready to give it up IN despair!
'Oh, that's nothing" said Fogg; 'I've
tried over and over again to make one OF
your tons of coal balance on my scale,
but never could do it. What's a few
books to ton of coal p
"THEsE are very nice biscuits, my
dear After you have been keeping
house n dozen years moro you'll be
quite cook" said Job Shuttle to his
wife at tea.
"Thank you," said Patience; "but
my oven wns just right, and-."
"Why, ma. You know you borrowed
my ten cents to buy them Of the bake
cart"
The old adage "children should be-
seen and not heard" does not obtniu in
that family.
A YOUNG lady being addressed by a
gentleman much older than herself.
observed that the only objection she
had to union with him was the proba-
bility of his dying before her and leav.
ing her to the sorrows of widowhood,
10 which he made the apt and compli-
n,ont"rJ Ioply: blessed ia the man
who hath virtuous wife, for the mum.
Der of his days shall be doubled"
AT the Terrace baths last Suuday an
impatient young man walked up to the
doof o! one of the compartm nts and
Knocking on the same testify incurred
"When in blazes are you going to get
those Pants on2 There was a faint eio.
gle and silvery voice replied: "When
L get married, 1 suppose" He had
mistaken the door, that AL.
"a BRooKLYN boy can initiate with
his mouth the noise made by lawn
mower" If that boys parents don't
lose son by violont death pretty
soon, we shall have to conclude that
there Is at least ninety per cont. more
forbearanco in Brooklyn than in any
other city i'll til, Union.
Mrs. MALAPRoP was hoard to remark
apropos OF tho weather: 81 cau't sec
into this Wigglns idoo. Of course, Jun.
iper and Satan boin' in pcdlgree won ld
DO rather liko ter g,t up some sorter
storm, but it don't acom tor mo that the
sun and moons hoin' III efligy would
raise any rumpus."
A YOUNG lady was carcss,ng n pretty
spaniel and murmming: II do love a
nlce dog |" .'Ah p sighed a dude,
standing near, 81 would I we're a dog, ;
"Never mind," rotorted tho young lady
sharply, you'll grow"