The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1883-03-02
A Oongressman's Troubles,

A Oongressmans Troubles,
Proctor Knott, who has the reputa-
tion OF being the best story teller in
Kentucky, where most of the story
tellers live, gives an account of an in
terview with a certain Mr.. Watkins of
Vermont, which he tells with skill of
facial expression that would have made
his fortune OH the stage. The rules
about admission to the floor of the
House are very strict, and converse
ton with a member can only be had
by an outsider by sending in card
through the doorkeeper, when the
member emerges, hurries through the
talk, and goes in again. As members
are usually pretty well occupied, it is
expected that these interviews shall be
as brief as possible. One day Mr..
Knott received the card of Mr.. Wat.
kins, of Vermont, whom he did not
know. He went out, met a long, lean
man with solemn countenance, and
this conversation followed:
"Be You Mr.. Knott, the funny
man?'
eyes, sir" said Mr.. Knott promptly,
"and I'm a great deal funnier than
you'd suppose. The fact is that don't
dare to be as funny as | can be. I've
already sacrificed the lives of several OF
my friends through reckless exercise
of my humorous powers, and / go abou,
under a constant sense of self-re
straint.'
WHERE FROM.
"Be you from the Blue Glass regior
or the Pennyryal ?"
"Tm from the Pennyryal.' II ,re
Mr. Knott began to be little uneasy
They were Just beginng roll-call il
the house. Mr.. Watkins shifted t,
his other foot and began again "Wha
kind of cattle do they have down il
Kentucky?'
"Well, we still have a very fine bree,
of the Megathorium there. But tn,
pleiosaurus and the itchyosaurus, In
sorry to say, are rapidly dying out. l
will be great loss to the state, because
they are very tame and have been useC
a great deal for domestic purposes. I
good many of the ladies make pets on
of them
Mr.. Watkins seemed little sur
prised, but he got on the other foo
and changed the subject:
"Doyou know Mary Anderson p
"Oh, very WELL
SIS she so purty?'
Ravishingly beautiful
Mr.. Watkins paused moment. MI
Knott could hear the roll call travelling
rapidly toward the KS. "Did you ev
er see her play in Romeo and Juliet =
"Oh, frequently"
ado you think Romeo and Juliet
the best play Shakespeare eve
wrote ?"
"Well now, my friend, you'll hav
to excuse me from expressing an opir
ion on that point. You see I'm goin
up for reelection, and feeling is rur
ming pretty high in my district no,
on that very question. Abo,
half of my constituents say thi
} Romeo and Juliet is the best pla
Shakespeare ever wrote, aud abou
half of them swear it isn't. So you Sc
if | should commit myself it woul
damage me very much in the can
paiqn.'
"Oh," said Mr.. Watkins Then i
pulled out of his pocket little Cor
, necticut watch, about the size of
, quarter dollar.
"Do they sell many of them in Kel
, tucky ?"
"Well, I've forgotten the price p,
, peck said Mr.. Knott; "they're usual
sold by the peck-they don't often sc
, a bushel at time
Mr.. Watkins was surprised, but /
' didn't 90 away. He only changed
t the other foot. Meanwhile the readir
clerk inside the hall had begun on IL
r KS. "Say l see in the Try d,ne tn
it took regiment of men and tv
, cannon to hang a man in Kentuck
o Now | want to know if that's so o.
i WHAT THEY DID DO.
e "No, sir. 1t is not so. That Iri
: une is a most untrustworthy newsp
r per. The truth is this: We know
has been said lately in the north tn
we couldn't hang a man for murder
= Kentucky, ard so we made up o
f minds that we must have hanging f
the benefit of the state There was
/; trial ending just then, and we agre,
r that the fact that the jury had acquitt,
the man couldn't be allowed to int,
q fere To be sure, he was innocent
, was a perfectly clear case--but t
honor of Kentucky was at stake, al
q what could we do? We hanged hi
' sir, but it took a whole brigade of 81
/ diers and park of artillery to do
/ That shows you just how near tn
Tribune goes to the facts.
! "Say, there's another thing want
= to see you about. I've heard that pc
:, pie down your way chew and smo
= during meeting. That amt so is it /?
Mr.. Knott was angry at last. IN
! sir, it's an infamous falsehood. /
q true that the boys usually have pok
), deck IN their pockets, and if the $,
mon is little long they get down
! tween the pews and have little gal
a and open bottle of whisky. But t
" statement, sir, that they chew tobac
during church services is miserable
Z; of the Yankee prc's,"
a Mr. Watkins seemed satisfied W
u this assurance. He stood still n
- ment. "Well, thought I'd like
;, make your acquaintance, Mr.. Knot
u and he went away, and the Kentuc
member fled into the hall in time to
i counted among the stragglers on