News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-10-04
The Upper Berth.

One of the most difficult things III
this world, next to swimming the whirl-
! pool of Niagara. is to get into the upper
berllI III sleeping car. 1t Is IL moving
and affecting spectacle to see the fat
and habitually dignifed head of a family
IaboriousIy acquire possession of an
| upper berth. The trouble usually be-
gins by the old gentleman expostulating
with the conductor for putting him 50
high up, and he bcgs that gilt-cdged
| official to try and make trade with
some small-sized man who can easily
climb up the side of the car and crawl
inside with little or no difficulty. The
commanding officer of the quarter-deck
says he will see what he can do about
it, and then he wanders off into the blue
regions of the smoking car and shakes
dice with the train boy for a cigar
Meanwhile the fat man waits, and per-
spires, and fumes, and curses all the
officials Of the road from the president
down to the section bosses.
When the conductor samters Ieisurely
back, he tells the fat man that nothing
can be done; no one, he says, will ex-
change a lower berth for an upper-no,
not even if the fat man will give some
thing to boot. Then tine dignitied fat
man glares at the other passengers and
waits until they have all retired before
he tries to get mp into the berth.
There are several different ways of
forcing an entrance into an upper berth.
You can hire the porter for two-bits to
give you a leg-up, but this method is
liable to attract attention and excite I'M
! generous and sarcastic remarks. The
dignificd fat man has a regular circus.
First swinging himself up by the cur
tain bar, he tries to go i'll feet first, but
! he can't let go the rail without tumbling
| back again in the aisle. The porter
helps him out of this fix, and the fat
man tries n new deal. This time he
steps on the ear of sleeping beauty in
the lower berth, and the sleeping beauty
knocks the pins out from under him and
the fat man retires to the washroom to
bathe his nose and abuse monopolics.
Then he gets the porter to bring a
camp stool; he gets up on it, catches
hold Of the brass rod above, and is about
to spring for the berth when the camp
stool doubles up, and, III his effort to
| save himself from coming down with Il
dull thud' on the floor, he wildly
| grabs the bcIl-cord and that stops the
! train, and the conductor comes in and
uses language to him, and the passen-
gers all wake upaud use more language,
and the dignificd fat passenger even
wishes he was dead or that he had more
| clothes on. Finally he manages 70
crawl into the upper berth, and he boiIs
over with malicious thoughts and sin
lister desires for the bankruptcy of the
railroad company. 1t is a full hour be-
fore he relapses into slumber, and then
! the conductor comes along and punches
him and his ticket; and then a
horrible suspicion flashes across him
that the berth may become looscncd in
some way from its catch, and spring I'M
against the ceiling Of the car and smother
him. lie sleeps no more until daylight
and then he has to Jump out and dress
hurriedly, for the train is running into
the city
A good stretch on the longitudinal
cushioned seats of the caboose or q
freight train is many points ahead Of the
best upper berth ever invented for a
palace sIceping-car, and we don't care
who knows it.-Trrns &Hiugs.