The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1883-05-08
Company Manners.
Women OF Tact-Men of Wit People with
Neither Tact nor Wit.
london oueen.,


1t was saying of Oliver Wendell Holmes
that in every dialogue between two persons
there were in reality six present--two as
they were, each as he believed himself to be,
and each as he appeared to the other. 1t
would not be difficult to add two more, and
to say that there were present each as he
desired to represent himself to his neighbor.
For theres nothing more certain than that
every word and action of our lives, except
in those moments of passionate emotion
which annihilate self-consciousness, mo-
ments which do not occur more than once
or twice in an ordinary lifetime, are regu-
lated by the effect to be produced ON those
around us. And this by no means implies
that it is a universal or even very general
wish to make ones self agreeable. A man
may delight in showing his contempt fer his
surroundings, he may be absolutely indiffer-
erent to the pain which he intlcts, but he
will never lose sight of the effect he is pro-
ducing, though he may fully believe that he
has done so. For instance, while men who
delight in making themselves disagreeabe
are as plentiful as blackberries, those who
voluntarily and consciously make them
selves ridiculous are rare as four-leaved
shamrocks. The misfortune is that our per-
ceptions are so dull and defective that there
is often a lndicrous discrepancy between the
effect we produce and that which We believe
ourselves to be producing. We would none
of us be ridiculous if we could help it, but it
is to be feared that few of us have altogeth-
er escaped the ridicule of our friends, even
in what we regard as our most impressive
moments.
1t is this inability to form just concep-
ton of what is pleasing TO others which is
the cause of half the ill-breeding in the
world. Good manners do not consist in be-
dience to any set of rules, and the absolute
uselessness of manners of etiquette in form
ing even their rudiments is due TO the fact
that their very essence is adaptabllity.
What we call company manners" suggests
an unpleasant vision of a thin veneer Of con-
ventional politeness, through which igno-
rance and vulgarity are plainly visible. The
reason OF this, however, is not that there Is
any innate improperly in modifying ones
behavior in accordance with ones surround
ings, but that, unfortunately, the assump-
ton of ceremonious courtesy Is with many
people, SO rare an effort that it has all the
awkward stiffness of an infrequent and I'M
familiar impersonalion. The general no
ton that perfectly polite person Is exactly
the same in all companies is not tenable for
a moment, as there are actions which would
be the height of iil-breeding in one place,
and the very essence of courtesy In another.
Indeed, the difference between good man
ners and company manners is that one is
the natural expression of ordinary courtesy,
self-control and knowledge of the world,
while the other is an effort made for some
ar,r. 1r,rp ar IN ri 0tsas calf IN
to harmony with unusually difficult sur
roundings. Extra pains taken for this pur-
pose is highly commendable in principle;
but those who make the effort rarely are apt
to do it awkwardly, and so have brought the
endeavor itself into disrepute.
In one of Mrs. Gaskell's most charming
stories there is an old lady who is typical
member of the ancieRne noblesse, aristo-
cratic, refined and fastidous to the extrem-
est point. Her perfect manners are found
ed on the truest nobility of nature; and it
happens in the course of the story that she
sees occasion somewhat to relax her fastidi-
GUS exclusigeness, and to admit, as evening
guests, worthy couple whose birth and
breeding are not equal to their merit On
tea being handed around, one of these guests,
who had never before partaken OF the meal
except when seated at a solid table, is en-
barrassed by having to hold her cup, and
butter, she spreads large handkerchief
over her lap to catch the falling crumbs.
The other better born, If not better bred,
visitors, litter among themselves, bat Lady
Ludlow, the hostess, silenees them by draw
ing out her own handkerchief and spreading
it over her knee, to prevent her guest from
discovering that her action is the source of
the mirth about her. 1t is such manners as
Lady Ludlow's that Mr.. Tennyson means
-bar he col Ia fharta sknof ida Int he Init
of noble minds,r and he has given an ex-
ample Of such when Geraint, the chivalrous
knight, saw his fair lady about to lead away
and groom his horse. His instinct was, of
course, to prevent her, but ON her fathers
explaining the case, we are told that
Reverencing the custom Of the house,
Geraint, from utter courtesy, forbore.
Now, while it will hardly be denied that
the actions of Lady Ludlow and OF Prince
Geraint we're the perfection of courtesy, IL
would be dangerous to lay down as an axi-
ON that drinking tea with lap protected by
an outspread handkerchief, or sitting in
hall while a lady groomed your horse. could
possibly be consistent with conventional POI
likeness. They are instances of company
manners, dignifed By that tenderness for
the feelings Of others which is the root of
good breeding, and that ready adaptability
which is itsHower. 1t is well know that
Louis XIV, that martinez in all matters Of
etiquette, pointed out as the politest man in
his dominions an Englshman who silently
entered the royal carriage before the King In
obedience to the "Apres vous, Monsieur" Of
his Majesty.
1t must be admitted that the company
manners assumed by some very worthy peo-
pie with the best intentions are little short
of maddening TO their friends What Is to
be done with hostess who, though she may
be the most comfortable motherly soul In ev-
ery-day life, transforms herself into an intol-
cradle bore in society by her endeayor to
talk only Of such subjects as she imagines
interesting to her guess, without any con-
sideration as TO whether she understands
them or no? A person of this kind will talk
of art to an artist, literature to an author,
foreign countries to a traveller, with the most
sublime indifference, and will feel recon-
pensed for the tedium of the task by the
conviction that she has done her duty-an
amelioration. of her misery which by no
means extfaaGO her victim. Then there
are good kble people who embitter ey-
cry moutfifm swallowed by their guest with
apologies that their fare is not more costly
or better prepared, while at the same time
they profess to feel injured that more of it is
not eaten than a merely human digestion
can assimila.e. Almost worse even than
these are the old-fashloned entertainers
whose company manners consist in never
laying down for second the burden OF en-
tertaiDment, who apologize if for a single
minute you are not talking, or eating, or
looking at photographs, or in some visible
manner enjoying yourself" All this
brings us round to the point from which we
started, that ignorance is the chief cause of
ill-breeding, and we can scarcely look for an
Improvement in the much-censnred manners
Of modern society while politeness is so lit
tie studied in domestic life. When custom
ceases to allow the careless rudeness which
marks the behavior of brother to sister, the
total absence of ceremony between husband
and wife, and Of respect between child and
parent, we may hope to find, with the eleva.
ton Of our daily standard. a quicker percep-
ton in discerning and more grateful read
mess in forestalling the wishes of those
whom we desire to please.
A Glimpse Of Mr.. Wilde.