Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1883-03-07
HIS PA GOES SKATING.
SAID HE WAS GOING TO SPREAD HIM
SELF, AND HE DID.

" "What broke your pa up at the ro
x ler-skatng rink?' asked the grocer
man.
Y "Oh, everything broke him up" sal
the bad boy. ''He is split up so m
buttons the top Of his pants to his cola
Il button, like bicycle rider. Well, h
: had no business to have told me an
t my chum that he used to be the hes
skater in North America, when h
was II boy. He said he skated one
from Albany to New York in an hou
> and eighty minutes. Me and my chun
thought if pa was such terror OF
skates we would get him to put on I
pair of roller skates and enter him a
the great unknown, and clean out thu
whole gang. We told pa that he mus
remember that roller skates were diff:
ierent from ice skates, and that maybe
he couldn't skate on them but he sait
it didn't make any difference what
they were as long as they were skates,
and he would just paralyze the whole
crowd. So we got pair of big roller
skates for him, and while we were
strapping them on pa he looked at the
skaters glide around Oh the smooth
waxed floor just as though they were
creased. Then pa looked at the skates
on his feet, after they were fastened
sort of forlorn-like, the way horse
thief does when they put the shacklcs
on his legs, and | told him if he was
afraid he couldn't skate with them we
would take them off; but lie said he
would beat any body there was there,
or burst suspender.
Then we Strengthened pa up and point
ed him toward the middle of the room !,
and he said Teggo,' and we just gave him
little push to start him, and he began to
60. Well, by gosh, you'd dide to have
seen pa try 20 stop. You see, you can
stick in your heel and stop, like you can
on ice-skates, aud pa soon found that out,
uuN uI tuih anu tliCu
he threw his arms out and walked on his
heel, and he lost his hat, and his eyes be-
gan to stick out, cause he was going
right toward an iron post. One arm
caught the post, and he circled around it
few times, and then he let 80 and be-
gan to fall and sir, he kept falling all
across the room, and everybody got out
Of the way except a girl, and pa grabbed
her by the polohaise like drowning man
grabs at straw, though there wasn't any
straws in her polonaise as know of, but
pa just pulled her along as though she
was done up in shawl-strap, and his
feet weut out from under him, and he
struck on his shoulders and kept a-going
with the girl dragging along like bundle
clothes, If pa had another pair Of of roller
skates on his shoulders, and casters on
his ears, he couldn't have slid along any
better. Pa is short. big man, and as he
was rolling along on his back, he looked
like sofa with casters on being pushed
across room by girl. Finally, pa came
TO the wall and to q stop, and the girl
fell right across him, with her roller
skates in his neck, and she called him an |
old brute, and told him if he didn't let 60 |
OF her polonaise, she would murder him.
Jus. then my cbum and me got there
and we amputated pa from the girl and |
lifted him up, and told him for heavens |
sake TO let us take of the skates, cause he |
couldn't skate any more than COW, and |
pa was mad and said for us to let him |
alone, and he could skate all right, and |
we let 60 and he struck out again. Well, |
sir, am ashamed. An old man like pa |
ought to know better than to be boy
This last time pa said he was going to |
spread himself, and, if am any judge Of
Il big spread, she did spread himself
Somehow the skates had got turned |
around sideways On his feet, and his feet |
got to going in different directions, and |
pas feet were getting SO far apart that |
thought would have two pas, half the
size, with one leg apiece. l tried to get
him to take up collection Of his legs,
and get them both in the same ward, but
his arms flew around and one hit ME on
the nose, and | thought if he wanted to
strike the best friend he had, he could
run his own legs hiSself. When he be.
gan to separate, could hear the bones
crack; but maybe IL was his pants; but
anyway he came down to the floor like
one Of those fellows in circus who
spreads himself, and he kept going, and
finally lie surrounded an iron post with
his legs and stopped, and he looked pale,
and the proprietor OF the rink told pa if
he wanted to give fying-trapeze per-
Torrance he would have to go to the gym
nasum, and he couldn't skate on his
shoulder any more, cause other skaters
we're afraid OF him.
"Then pa said he woall kick the liver
out of the proprietor of the rink, aud got
Up and steaded himself, and then he tried
% kick the man, but his heels went up to
Souct and pa turned a back somersault
md struck right on his vest in trout. /
guess it knocked the breath out of him,
or he didn't speak for few minutes, AMI
hen he wanted to 60 home, and we put
lin in street car and he laid down on
he hay and rode home. Oh, the work
We had to get pas clothes off. He had
'ricks in his back, and everywhere, and
ma was away to one Of the neighbors, to
ook at the presents, and l had to put
iniment on pa, and I made mistake
md got bottle of furniture polish, and
,ut it OH pa ana rubbed it in, and when
M came home pa smcled awful, and ma
'aid there was no way of getting that
1arnish off pa until 1t wore of. Pa says
holidays are condemned nuisance any
Way. le Ny! have to stay in the house
Ill this week. peck's Sun.