Connecticut western news., 1883-05-02
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO LAUGH
 OVER THIS WEEK.
A Sad Young Man-The Taxpnyer-A Herr mit-PlantntiOn PhilOsOphy-A Ten Days
 Gain. Etc., Etc.

rose to express his regrets that the clergy, | as a rule, knew so little of music, and told this little anecdote as an illustration of the prevailing ignorance: "One Sun day morning a minister sent me hymn written in metre which did not fit any tune at my disposal. There was just time for me to rush to his room and ask him to change the hymn. Why ? asked he, evidently annoyed. Because. sir, I replied, there is not tune in our col lection of the same metre as this hymn. Us that all, sir?' he asked with great dignity, then why, may ask, do you not sing & tune in some other metre P"
 THE WEEKLY LETTER.
 The San Francisco E!cchange publish es this meditative parable for the in- struction of the people: 'It's all right to say that George Washington "never told ie," remarked thoughtful min ing superintendent. "1 don't say he did, but he lived in time when that wasn't hard for man to accomplish. If George were alive now and running my mine and had to write weekly letter reporting progress, I am inclined to think he'd wear crape around his little hatchet and put it away where the historian of the future wouldn't be likely to find it."
 WANTED TO KNOW.
 A young man in Irwinton sadly asks for information on delicate point: "Can you or any of the readers of your paper adviser me as to the best thing to be done in a case where young man calls on 8 young lady on his way to church and gets her permission to accompany her, and about the time they get ready, up drives another young man and gets her permission and takes her into his buggy and scuds off to church. Don't you think it a lasting insult, and don't you think was right in not receiving an apology, and all this after being i engaged"
 A LADY writes to Rochester paper wishing to know if she should happen to enter an omnibus in the city and find that she had left her portemonaie at home and chivalrous gentlemen sitting opposite - an entire stranger-should offer to pay her fare, whether she would be justified in accepting the offer? Te which the editor in reply says: "We think she would. She must be careful however, not to play the game too often Chivalrous gentlemen might drop ol it.'
 BEAUTIES OF ARMY LIFE.
 A Texas paper writes If you have son whom you love and desire placed in life position of little danger
 where the salary is good and sure, send him to West Point. When he graduates
 have him assigned to some command o1
 the frontier and let him devote five year
 of his life to Indian fighting. And 8
 the end of that time he will bean ex
 cellent poker-player and fine judge o
 good liquor. He will come back bronze,
 and bearded, and 1t will console you i your idle moments to note with wha exuberant facility he can lie about tn terrible Indian fights he has been in
 He will even exhibit scalps taken in bat tie to prove the truth of his romances
 You can buy these ghastly trophies fror
 the rangers at $10 per scalp, and one C them tells me that his best customer are among the army officers.
 A MODEL HERMIT.
 I once read story about an old raj
 who called his weeping children abou
 him and said to them: 'My children,
 have led wild, reckless life. I hay been 8 slugger in the cellar and trai robber in the pantry. I have stole enough to send me to Congress, an have assisted at enough all-night bar quets to entitle me to foreign mission But I sorrow over my past wickednes' I am resolved to become 8 hermit; spend my remaining nights in solitud, in penitent meditation and in sorrowfl atonement for my wicked life. Do nc endeavor to seek me out l will neve come back into the world. My want ; are few and simple. I can live on tn coarsest fare, and if I chance to starv F to death in my lonely retreat, it will | ] only just punishment for my sins. M
 children, farewell for ever." And weeI ing he left them. About three or fou | nights afterward, the grieving youngste1
 set out to hunt their dad, and discovered , to their great joy, that the virtuous ol t reformer had dug for himself dar = cave in the side of great big chees two feet thick. , SAD YOUNG MAN.
 A cross-eyed bachelor who had bee , paying his attentions to farmer :; family, in which were four daughters, a
 of whom had placed their husband t under wooden monuments in the cem, e tery, had struck up an acquaintanc : with a roulette wheel during his visit D Chicago and returned home very sa f man.
 S The evening of his arrival hon y found the young man at the farmer Il house, and together with the widow
 and old man was seated on the steps
 the family mansion. The young ma
 was unusually cast down, and tl y farmer noticing his dejected appearan' ,f and attributing it to desire to relie' ,r his mind of the load, thought he wou ,r assist him in unloading. So taking hi k by the arm, he led him down to u n nntn thinkino tn give him an nnnnrt