Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1883-04-27
WINKING.
The Mishaps of a Man Who Had ST. Virrus'
Dance in His Left Eye.
From the Harvard Lampoon.l

From the Harvard Lampoon.l
Charley Hayes has st. Vitus' dance
In his left eye, and, consequently, is
apt to say what he doesn't mean.
One day last summer Charley was
very thirsty, so he went into an apothe-
cary store and called for a glass of
lemon-soda. The clerk was a knowing
man, and when he saw Charley winking
he kept tally on his cuff. The recipe
book which this clerk used said, "Put
in one tablespoonful for the first wink,
and teaspoonful for every additional
wink" But the man in the recipe
book never winked more than nine
times, as that left only small margin
for soda. When the clerk had tailed
fifteen winks he concluded that, as the
recipe-book made no provision for this
case, he must act on his own response
bility. So he gave Charley eight
fingers of brandy straight. Charley
said it didn't taste very lemony, but he
guessed it was all right. As 1 piloted
Charley home that afternoon he gravely
exclaimed, "Shay, ole (hic) bhoy, don't
you ever drink an lemon shoda."
Charley went to an auction-sale one
day, and was surprised to see the rap
ldlty of the sales and the high prices
commanded. Every few moments the
auctioneer would cry: SOLD to that
man over there" Charley thought,
from the direction of the auctioneers'
glance, that the buyer was somewhere
In his vicinity. Presently he started to
go and was startled to hear the auc-
tioneer shout: eli, there, come back!
No trifing. G. o. DIS the world" The
people around Charley looked at him
suspiciously and said something that
sounded like: Rogue, swindler, thief"
Charley was more surprised still when
the auctioneer, who was considerably
bigger than he, bounced on him and
asked what he meant by buying every
thing and then sneaking off in that
way. Charley declared that nothing
was further from his thoughts than
buying anything; that the auctioneer
father wrote tracts and he himself was
member of the Young Mems Chris
tian Association. But the auctioneer
said: Don't tell me, you scoundrell
You winked; 1 saw you" Charley tried
to impress upon the auctioneer that he
was not responsible for the vagaries of
his left eye. The auctioneer declined
to be impressed. He said if Charley
couldn't mind his eye, he would. Taking
off his coat, he intimated, in rather
figurative language, that he was going
to fit Charley's recreant eye with full
mourning outfit; and he did it, too.
n7~lA -
since.
Charley is in love, and not long ago
he decided to ask the momentous ques-
ton. Charley always did things in a
plain, straightforward way. So, when
Abbie came into the parlor he locked
the door on the inside, and then pros
trated himself at her feet, exclaiming t:
Dearest, I love you! can you not love
me little in return?" At this I'M
fortunate moment his left eye winked,
and gave Abbie to understand that he
didn't really mean what he said. sShe
naturally inferred that he was rehears-
ing a Christmas pantomime. So she
said: "That's splendid, Mr.. Hayes. 8"
Charley saw at once that it was of no
use; his eye and mouth didn't pull to-
gether. When he tried to say anything
in earnest, his eye turned it into joke.
He gave up Abbie, and, as his eye de-
barred him from the ministry, he de-
cided that the only thing he could be
was a humorist. So he wrote articles
for Puck about plumbers, and mother
in-law, and Chicago girls feet, and be-
came famous, and died young, and was
buried in Greenwood Cemetery with one
eye open and the other eye shut, as
though he were trying to look into his
future state with q telescope.