Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1883-05-18
WIT AND HUMOR.

The man who will invent sealskin
sacque which can be worn in sum-
mer time will gain the everlasting re-
gard of thousands Of American wo-
men.
When doctor is caught digging
up a corpse, they kick up an awful
row and put him in prison, and all
| that. 1t seems hard to punish man
for digging where he planted.
Several of our exchanges are devot-
ing considerable space to the impor
tance of cooking girls" It's no use
We don't want them cooked. The
raw damsel is good enough for us.
The long continued use cf the tele-
phone produces an abnormal en-
larSement of the ear. If this is so,
the evolutionist of the next century
may conclude that the jackass is the
missing link.
Somebody advertised in the Her.
aid: "A house for family in good
repair" I'm good repair means,
probably, one in which none of its in
dividual members are wholly or par
TALLY cracked.
Standing before a clergyman who
was about to marry him, a rustic was
asked: Wilt thou have this woman"
etc. The man started in surprise
and replied: "Ay, surely! Whoy I
kummed a-puppus"'
An Atlanta youth being wanted in
court ON several indictments for lar
ceny, wrote the court a letter in
which he said: Il have fever and
kant imagine what's the matter unless
l am taking the small-pocks."
Sedalia, Mo-, has billiard saloon
for ladies only. and the proprietor al
ready thinks of taking out the tables
and allowing the fair creatures to
play right oD the tlool, where d great
deal of carroming is done now.
Wanted-A substitute for the word
IS holocaust" to be employed in the
description of fatal fires. "Holo-
caust" has become weary and
frayed at the edges, and should be re-
moved to hospital fol repairs.
There is town in Iowa which has
population Of 1900 and twelve dis
tinct church organizations. It is
understood that they will join in
renting an oyster for use during the
present season of oyster suppers.
A little girl in Hartford Sunday
school, unused to diplomatic ways,
sidled up to her teacher and naively
as could be said: "Mother wanted
me to find out in roundabout way
whether you are Mrs. or Miss"
A gentleman in search of a man to
do some work, met on his way a
lady not as young as she once was,
and asked her: Can you tell me
where l can find a man?" mol
cannot she replied, "for I have been
looking these twenty years for one
myself"
Law Professor: "What constitutes
burglary?" Student; There must
be a breaking" Professor: "Then
if a man enters your door and takes
sovereign from your vest pocket in
the hall, would that be burglary"
Student: Yes, sir, because that
would break me-"
A young women went into an Iowa
newspaper Office to advertise for
kitchen help. She said, with a sigh
and a wiring of ner dainty kloved
hands: Oh! 1 do hope we'll get one
soon, for it does almost break my
heart to see mother wash dishes, with
her rheumatism. too"
A fairheaven five year old child,
who went to school for the first time,
came home at noon. and said to her
mother: Mamma, I don't think that
teacher knows much" Why not, my
dear?" why she kept asking quss-
tions all the time. She asked where
the Mississippi river was."
"Biddy, bring Mrs. Smith a glass
of sherry" Exit Biddy. 4" You must
be so tired from your walk" Biddy
brings the glass of sherry. Mot
that way, my good girl. You should
always bring it on plate or salver."
Exit Biddy. "She is very willing;
but really she knows SO little" Bid
dy, entering with wine in a SOUP
plate "Shall I bring a spoon,
ma'am, or will the lady lap it up?"
Frank H. Norton, a young scientist
of New York, claims to have discov.
cred number of new laws relating
to planets. This is a gratifying
piece of intelligence. The old laws
relating to planets are well worn and
frayed at the edges, and it is quite
time some new ones, more in spirit
with the progress of the nineteenth
century, We're adopted for their gov
ernment. One of the new statutes,
we suspect. regulates the sale of
whisky in Mars on Sunday. and an
other probably reduces street car fare
to 3 cents in Jupiter. It is hoped
Mr.. Norton will be able to enforce his
new laws.
When Wheatley and Traynor's
company was lately playing in De-
troit a large dog presented itself at
the door during matinee, and would
not be driven away. Finally the tick
ct taker observed that the beast car
ried in its mouth a card, and without
difficulty got possession of it, the dog
showinge every symptom Of canine
qualification at being rid of its
mouthful. Its joy was understood
when upon the card the doorkeeper
read, "Please let me see the show on
account of profession. I am leading
bloodhound with an Uncle Tom
party"
There are a pair of scales in the
New York Assay Office of a kind
so delicate that, when brought to
balance with two pieces of paper of