The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-10-18
WIT AND HUMoR.

Goliath died. from the effects of bang
on the forehead.
A contemporary mentions case be-
yond the ordinary occulist; it is of
young lady who, instead of a pupil, has
q professor in her eye.
A man might make u colossal fortune
in very short time by inventing a
Kind of food that will keep a canary
from singing.
The reason that woman never puts
on the gloves in the ring is probably
that it would take her 100 long. She
would always demand size smaller
than she could wear.
''What is consciencea" asked school
master of his class. IAN inward mon
itor." replied little fellow. "And
what's monitor?' lone of the IRON
clads."
Teacher: 'Define the word excavate.
Scholar: at means to hollow out.
Teacher: Construct sentence in
which the word is properly used. !"
Scholar: The baby excavates when it
gets hurt
A young man at Tuskegee. Ala.
went to see his lady love the other night,
broughtin dozen eggs and asked him to
hatch them for her. He left. and
declares that he will never call again.
The season is approaching when the
married man rolls himself up in three
OF four thicknesses of bedclothes, and
then complains the next morning be-
cause his wife wants him to buy her a
Accent cough lotion.
Roach, the millionaire ship-builder,
declares he was once tramp. Orders
havo been issued in this office, to the
effect that every tramp roach who pre-
sents himself is to have the freedom OF
the paste-pot = -Pittsbsrg Telegraph.
An enterprising exchange rushes into
print with the startling Information
that ''Caligula, the Roman Emperor,
was born on Augusta, in the year II. y
Unfortunate man! The probabilities are
that he is dead now.
ibid you notice the esthetical appear
anco of Miss Giddigush, Amy?" asked
the high school girl. Il noticed she
had pimple on her nose, - replied Amy,
s'but didn't know the dictionary word
for it.
.'How many races are there?" was
asked by schoolma' am. Up sprang a
shOck-headed youngster, with yard
wide smile on his face, and exclaimed:
Z Three-the spring meeting, midsummer
speeding and fall fairs"
Pull down your umbrellas. You'll
scare this engine off the line, screamed
the engineer on the Western North Car
olina Road to Il crowd of country people,
who had gathered to see the first train
come in. They were all lowered at
once.
The adventure of an owl: A Texas
owl mistook a sleeping mans head for
chicken, and fastened his claws into
his hair and scalp. ''Wcll, what's the
matter now, old woman?" said the as
sailed, as he awoke. Jersey City
journal.
Henderson in society: Your sister
has sweet mouth. Mr.. Brown" re,
marked Mrs. Smith. ''Yes," added
Henderson, anxious to saw something
appropriate, ''and such a large mouth
too" Every mouth was shut immedi-
ately and Henderson wished he hadn't
opened his.
In addressing Sunday-school {
while ago, speaker said to the boys
''Always be kind to your little sister
Now, | never had a little sister, and
once tried to be kind to some other fel-
lows sister; but she had cruel father,
and he hurt me helping me off the from
steps,
A few days ago lightning struck g
woman in Pennsylvania and stripped of
her clothes in twinkling. What the
times demands, according to the Bene
dict of the NOrristown Herald, is p specie,
of lightning that will put the clothes OF
a woman in twinkling when her hus-
band or lover is waiting for her to
dress for church or the opera
THERE'S nothing so generous as wo-
mans generosity, and none that gets
less public reward. 1t is not every
school-teacher who can get her name
in the papers for having ''kindly treated
her pupils to nice ride in the country" "
after having made the little ones chip
in 10 cents apiece for the hire of the
moving wagon.
The latest thing in China! He (to his
fianceel-'I say, Julia. old girl. have
you ever noticed this?" She (who
hates to have people talk to her when
she is reading) mo" He-What!
not seen this sweet thing in ChinaP''
She with enthusiasm in China!
What is itp" He-''Sugar." She
breaks the engagement.
Young George Vanderbilt, fourth son
of the millionaire. wants to be a news.
paper reporter. There it crops out
agniu; the natural and inheritary greed
for gold; the Unsuitable thirst for wealth,
the passion for amassing millions by
the easiest and quickest methods, and
reaching a fabulous competence by the
shortest ways. It's family trait
HawEeye.
A vigorous old fellow in Maine, who
had lately buried his fourth wife was
accosted by an acquaintance, who, un-
aware of his bereavement. asked, ''HoW
is your wife, Captain Plowjogger?'
To which the captain replied, with 6
grave face: ''Waal, to tell you the
trewth, I'm kinder out o. wives ius
neow."
The new attendant of the watering
place bookstore stood behind the coun-
ter with his head a little on one side anC
a white handkerchief around his neck
when dainty Summer sojourner trip.
ped in. and, fixing her blue orbs upon
him, asked: "Have you got Newport
AquarclleP' 70 which, with thank.
full smile, he replied: mo, marm;
don't think it .nothin' but common
bile"
Mamma: Both Smythe and Robson
were Elost attentive to Celia last night.
papa! Robson's as good as gold, with
the temper of an angel-like herself
and Smythe's heartless, selfish. dissi-
pated young tiend! do hope it will be
Robsonr' Papa: "Well, Idon't know.
If Robson's really all you say, she'll
precious soon get tired of him. Where
as, from your description of Smythe,
fancy she would be able to love him
faithfully all herlife long. Any woman
would!'
A family namedits sons One Stickney,
Two Stickney, Three Stickney; and the
daughters were named First Stickney
Second Stickney, Third Stickney. The
three elder children of another family
were named Joseph. And, Another; and
it was proposed to call the rest, if any
appeared. Also, Moreover. Nevertheless
and Notwithstanding. Another house.