Connecticut western news., 1883-07-11
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
 OVER THIS WEEK.
Some Large MelOns-kind to a Stranger Shave-Lime-Kiln Club Estimates-An Iowa Gale, Etc., Etc.
BEING KIND TO A STRANGER.

I was occupied by fashily- dressed young man, with lady-killing twist to his moustache, and he was considerably sur prised when the husband handed him a daily paper with the remark:
 "Have glance at the news; plenty of excitement around the country, I ob- serve."
 The young man was busy with the pa per for half an hour, and then the hus- band offered him popular magazine. This entertained him for an hour, and he had scarcely closed the book when the good man reached over with:
 "Have @ cigar. These are prime Havanas, and I know you will enjoy one."
 The young man accepted with thanks, and naturally made his way to the smoking car, where he put in nearly another hour, but without tue others company. When he returned he was greeted with:
 "Perhaps you'd like to look at the latest novel? Very entertaining, assure you."
 He read until weary, and upon being offered another cigar replied that he was to leave the train at the next station, and added:
 "I want to thank you for your cour- tesies."
 ooh, don't mention it."
 "You never saw me before?'
 "Never."
 ''Don't know my name?" "No."
 "Then tell me why you were so cour- teous to an entire stranger"
 "Young man, will explain. In times past when loafer sat and stared at my wife as steady job got up at the end of an hour and broke his neck. This made me much trouble and expense, and I changed the programme. I now carry books and cigars to bribe them. Had you been going hundred miles l farther I should have offered you drink of brandy, 8 new puzzle, two more dailies and another cigar, and my wife would have secured quite rest" "Sir T."
 "Oh, it's all right-all right It was cheaper than throwing you out of the window, and I hope you'll get up to the hotel safely. Good day, sir-good day, glad to have met you p
 And that young man with the lady, killing n1oustache and crockery- -colored eyes and hair parted on an even keel picked up his grip and walked out with out being certain whether he had been mashed in 8 collision or pulverized un- der land-roller.-DetroH Free Press. SHAVING BY P1EcEMEA1. A commercial drummer, with several heavy cases in hand, panted into Warth s barber shop, adjoining the State Street House, lately. One side of his face had several days growth of whiskers, while the other side was perfectly smooth. He threw himself intoa chair. "Shave me, ) he said brusquely. The astonished bar Der began to adjust cloth about his neck, looking at the drummers face meanwhile with eloquent curiosity. ''Been in the barber chair once this morning, haven't you?" queried the barber. '"Twice," said the stranger, correcting him, "once in Philadelphia and once in Bristol. Got my face lath- cred in Philadelphia and then saw I couldn't make my train unless I started. Got the barber to wipe off my face, and ran and got on just as the train was mov- ing. At Bristol I thought I'd have time to do some business and get shaved and catch the next train. Got through with my business, ran into barber shop, got lathered again, and got half of my face shaved, when I heard the train coming. Jumped up and paid the barber, and again had my face wiped off, and struck for the depot and got the train just as it was moving. People on the train looked at me and then turned away and whis- pered. They thought was an escaped luuatic. I want a close shave, please, and take your time to it. I'm going to make up for this helter-skelter business in the morning. ."-Zrenton Times.
 SOME ESTIMATES.
 The Committee on Agriculture, of the Lime-Kiln Club, announced that it had finished its labors regarding the melon crop of 1883, and desired to submit the following:
 The total number of melons for this season will be 145, 1852, ,287.
 The total number which will find their way into the hands of colored persons by purchase or otherwise will be 60, ,OOO,- GOO.
 The number of melons which will be carried home, put on ice and found to be as green as grass when carved for dinner, will be, 3,2s1, ,157.
 The report was accepted and the com mittee discharged, and at the same time a resolution by Shindig Watson that the club offer reward of $50 to any one discovering way to perserve watermel- ons the year round, was voted down by large majority.--Detroit Free Press.
 SOME BIG MELONS.
 I was talking with an old planter in Arkansas bottoms about watermelons, and he threw away his "chaw" and re- marked
 Wall, I dunno. was in watermel- lyons four seasons, and lost money.
 Didn't you have good crops ?"
 Right thar was the trouble, sir, he replied. "The fust year kinder let the