The Osceola times., 1883-04-14
HUMOROUS SAYINGS.

The False Prophet has captured Obeid;
but he has lost his grip on the weather.
The Independent.
The new Chinese paper is referred to
as "our esteemed pig-tailed contempor-
ary."-Boston Herald.
The aristocrat is supported by his an
cestors, the pauper by his contemporaries,
and the debtor by posterity.-Lifc.
A very accurate Chicago physician
sent in certificate of death the other
day with his name signed in the space
reserved for "cause of death. boston
Globe.
First annex maid-"TIere's carr
Second annex maid-"Wait! Let's take
that red one lust behind; they 90 ever
so much faster."-Haryard Lampoon.
Ifa doctor says "Good day" to you it
costs you three marks; but when a
lawyer says "Good night" you will find
that it has cost you half your fortune
Fliegende Blatte.
A Tompkins county Democrat has Of
fered to stand in the governors room
with his tongue out for Mr.. Cleveland to
moisten postage stamps on at salary OF
$50 day.-Ithaca Journal.
ado take another plate Of these straw
berries" said Mrs. Parvenue at her
luncheon party the other day; they
won't keep although we paid three dol
lars box for 'em."-New York Mail
and Express.
Customer--"Have you any first-class
musical instruments?" Shopkeeper-
"Yes, sir; best stock in town, sir; can't
be beat" Customer(turning to go OUT
Cant be beat, Ell? Sorry wanted a
drum."-Liie.
"Yes," he said, describing dinner at a
certain hotel, 'it was Just about the worst
| ever sat down to. Everything was cold
except the ice cream, and piece ofcake
fell on my foot and me for week." "
New York Hotel Mail.
Professiopal-"Please gimme ten cents,
sir, to buy some bread?" Muegins-
"Why, gave you ten cents not half an
hour ago" Professional taking in the
situation )-"Yes, sir. | know, sir, but l.
Pm terrible Observation-Disclosures
Lampoon.
"Nice fellow ~ she exclaimed "well !
should think he was! Why, he don't dc
any business; he belongs to three clubs
has $4,000 year, is divorced from his
wife and has led about thirty germans
this ason."-New York Mail and Ex.
press.
A small boy in one of the public schools
being asked by the speaker who was
about to address them on the life OF
Washington, pointing to his portrait
"Whose picture is that?" Immediately
replied: "Bcn Butier."-Boston Tran
script.
A Western pastor is said to have re-
fused an addition of 500 to his annual
salary on the ground that the hardest
part of his work was to collect the pres
ent amount and that it would kill hin
to attempt to collect 300 more-Yonker,
Gazette.
Scene in Chicago shoe store: "What
size ?" 'Two's, please" An interval o
hard work. "Do you want a pair O.
shoes, Miss, or only one ?" "A pair, o
course" "Ah yes, see; twice two art
four; John, stretch pair of No. CATERS.
Rochester Post-Express.
sThe old folks will have company to
night" despondently observed Cincin
natl girl to her lover. "Perbaps we hac
better go out, then," suggested the youns
man. "All right, Charley" she exclaim
ed Frightening up; get your raft ready
Brooklyn Eagle.
Subaltern--"Meier when you are on
guard at the powder magazine, and 6
man passes. smoking a cigar, what dc
you do?" Meier-"Shout to him tC
throw it away" Subaltern-"And then?'
Meier-"I pick it up and smoke the rest
of it myself Fliesende Blatte.
Mamma Ito Maud, who has been witt
her brother to the play and is full Of it
-"But was there no love in the piece
then ?" Maud-"Love? Oh, dear, no
mamma. How could there be? The
principal characters were husband and
wife, you know p-London Punch.
81 don't want no rubbish, no fine senti
ments, if you please" said the widow
who was asked what kind of an epitaph
she desired for her late husbands tomb
stone. "Let it be short and simple some
thing like this: William Johnson, aged
70 years. The good die young .'"-Brook
lyn Eagle.
Charlie We're de We're (sententiously
-"Geniuses, my dear Miss Marlborough
are men who just miss being f'ols, and
fools are men Who just miss being gen
iuses." Miss Marlborough (aw,s -uck)
sometimes think that you are almost 9
genius."-Harvard Lampoon.
Poet-"But, my dear sir, it is now foul
years since you accepted my epic and nc
steps have yet been taken to publish it.
Publisher-"Don't be in a hurry, young
man, Homer had to wait more thar
three thousand years before he got into
print and you will hardly claim that
your poem is an Iliad."-Fliegendt
Blatte.
Jay Gould thinks that "he possesse,
his share of the pleasant things in this
world" Mr.. Gould has undoubtedly
much that goes TO make life pleasant
but he can never know the ecstacy o
happiness that permeates ones being
when he discovers an unexpected nicke
in the lining of his coat.-Rochestel
Post. EXPRESS