The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-09-08
THE PATENT cALuMnuAroR.

lDerrick Dodd, in San Francisco Post
 Old Major Snodgrass was nominated for state senator up in Oregon the other day, and the same evening dusty look ing stranger. chiefly a,tired in an cid plug hat and an ingratiaiing smile, dropped in to sec the nominee on par ticular business.
 have come, msjor,r said the visitor, putting his feet on the piano stool, and lighting Sullivan cigarette: "I have come to congratulate you on your pros- poets, and to offer you my services as a hrst-class calumniator"
 A whatF' asked the major, much surprised.
 "Why, oalumniator. Never run for ofhce before: We'll, I'll explain: You see, as soon as nominee starts in on his canvass, of course the opposition parties get right in and traduce him for all that's out; you've noticed the fact, l dare say!7
 "Yes, think l have" said old Snod- grass with sigh.
 = Exactly; they invent all sorts ofqueer stories about the man, and try to blacken his record the wors, way
 And they succeed pretty often, too" groaned the malor.
 They used to. my dear sir. they used ,o. said the expert, but not since the introduction of my new idea. the patent calunniaror scheme. l, works ike a charm
 :" Does, eh:: :" said the amateur poli- tician.
 "for bet i, does. Now, how do we work the business and defeat the plans of the opposition-now. how :'
 '' Can't imagine, said the major
 Why, by getting ahead of them every time. bless your heart. Do your own slandering, don't you see: Pa, em on the wrong track, eh: You grapple with the idea, don't you..'
 Can, say do,' said Snodgrass, re- fieotively.
 Why, i,'s as simple as daylight. You see, you stake me on the quiet, and ge, in and start paper apparently devoted to the opposition. The very first issue l come out and allude to the long suspected fact that you poisoned your grandmother in '57.'
 <" Bu, didn't..' roared the major. iookinS around Tor club.
 Gently, gently. my dear sir said the visitor, putting his foot on the poker. Of course. you didn't, but say so all the same. of course, all the other op- position papers take it up and make fearful row. Then an investigation is had, and both your grandmothers are found. 10 be living. Catch the point, don't you v
 :" But how does that help me-" asked the nominee.
 Why, don't you see, it keeps the other fellows attention excited. and they don't go into your real record at all"
 '' But my real record is all right said the major, indignantly.
 Well, perhaps il is-perhaps ii is" said the expert, dryly. Perhaps i, is. but it's cold day when these newspaper hyenas can't dig up bone or two. Better keep em of the track. Well, the mex, thing drop the grandmother scandal. and say that we have four affidavits that you beat your first wife with rolling pin. and that you have served two terms Tn the penitentiary for forging checks in your early youth. That'll start 'em of again"
 Then I'm vindicated again. am r."
 Precisely. In fact l come out and editorially withdraw the charges, but at the same time l claim that the we'll founded circumstances of your having set fire to blind asylum in Louisiana and being wanted for smuggling in Cuba have never been satisfactorily ex- plained.''
 Well, and then: :' said the nominee. thoughtfully.
 After we have let up on those charges and admitted that you were never in either place in your life. we go for you worse than ever-say something perfectly terrible, you understand-accuse you of taking lessons on the cornet. or some thing like that, you see. and keep the islander mill booming right up to election day.
 And you think ,ha, will help me ?" unused the senatorial aspirant.
 Why, to be sure. my dear sir It's the only way. And besides all this, groundless prosecutions make the public indignant, and the first thing you know everybody is voting for you out of pure sympathy. It's the only way
 And as the inventor of the patent ealumniator is now in town buying type. 1t is fair to suppose tha, Major Snodgrass will be elected ahead of his ticket.