Milford chronicle., 1883-03-16
WIT AND WISDOM.

I SA1AiAB 10 tue GaAllt ANt AtL NtAAIAlAoAte77'
THns and now: First disengaged
young lady: ''Now, auntie, you must
admit that the wall decorations Of the
present are far superior to those Of the
past. Mrs. Oldbelle: cas- to that can
not say, girls-I never was a wall
flower"
A WESTERN politician having made a
speech, wound up by saying; Gentle
men, thems my sentiments, and let me
assure You, they are the sentiments Of
an honest man. But, gentlemen, if they
don't suit you, they can be altered. -
Teras SlftiHgs.
Bound to be useful: Papa" Don't
You know it is very dangerous to play
with fire! You might burn up, and be-
come nothing but ashes, like those on
the hearth. Boy" And then what
would you do with me ?-scatter me on
the sidewalk"
An exchange announces in tone of
surprise: "The Gar aud Carrie have
been dancing at a ball. We far a~ee
anything very strange about this ~
in this country married people some-
times dance together, if absolutely
necessary to make up a set.
A JUDGE having fallen asleep during
trial, Lawyer X. suddenly ceased plead
ing, and exclaimed; ct viii wait until
his Honor wakes before finishing
But, answered the opposing counsel,
perhaps his Honor viii wait until you
have finished before waking.
CHARLIE, remarked Fogg, you
were born to be a writer" "Ah, " re-
piled Charlie, blushing slightly at the
compliment, ''you have seen some Of the
things I have turned off?" No, said
Fogg, Il wasn't referring to what you
had written. I was simply thinking what
a splendid ear you had for covering
pen. Immense, Charlie; simply inn
mense."
A HoBoKEN woman says her husband
has beaten her regularly once week for
twenty years. Too many married men
are overworked in this world, and if they
don't get rest in the next, it viii be
pretty tough. A man who has beaten
his wife ever a thousand times is certain
" entitled to a holiday-in iail. Nor
ritto,on Herald.
"I WONDER what is the matter with
Mr. Brown said the landlady "he
seems to be very angry about something.
Why. you should have seen him grinding
his teeth Just now in the hall. "Per-
haps. suggested Fogg, " he is only get
ing them in order before tackling one
,f your beefsteaks. " The landlady smiled,
1ut there was murder in her heart
Boston Transcript.
THE Autphone Company conduct all
# their correspondence by means Of
typewriter. The company had occasion
o send four or five letters to an agent
,ut.in Wisconsin, and they were amused
few days ago to receive one from him
losing with these words: 60 You needn't
,rint any more letters that you send me,
or L want you to understand that I can
cad writing. "-Hhaca Journal
A STORY is told Of musician who, on
he occasion of grand concert, played
wo of Bachs finest fugues A lady who
oasted that she did not care what sum
he paid to hear good music, speaking
nth enthusiastic delight Of that even-
ig's excellent entertainment, denied that
nbody performed on the piano-forte, and
escribed the performer as the man
no came in between the parts TO tune
le instrument"
In single season an oyster can lay
sveral million eggs, a fish double that
umber if it is in any health at all, and
ven the ordinary house-hy, it is said,
m acauit itself Of 10000 without any
sry great mental strain. But a hen,
hose eggs are good for something, gets
lack in the face trying to lay seven a
eek, and then goes all over the neigh
orhood telling about it. Nature has
ade a failure Of the egg business
Post Express.
EVERY man to his trade: Heavy ira
,dian at railway hotel-"P "Prithee, land-
I'd, dwells there within the precincts
this hamlet machiuist?" Landlord
4 machinist? Yes, sir" Tragedian-
Then take to him this bird Of many
rings. Bid him wrench asunder these
IN limbs, and then, for our regalement,
chisel slices from its unyielding
som, for we would dine anon And,
ay YOU. do it quickly. Yon peas You
ed not carry, for these. with dextrous
we can swallow whole.
vayr
a WESTERN settler who supposed that
had musical tastes went to the nearest
wnship aud purchased a music stool,
king it home with him in his trap. In
s course of few days, however. he
ought it back, and demanded restitu-
N Of the money paid, as the stool was
qood-no good at all. The seller
amined it. and said that it was IN pe1-
ct order. and the screw al right. and
srefora that it should not be thrown
ok on his hands, Wen, said the
ltler, '' took it home careful, as yoa
Md see for yourself and gave it q
IN, and the inissus she gave it q turD,
a every one Of the children gave it a
IN, and never a time could one and all
as screw out Of it. It's no more a
1sic stool than the foui-legged washing
DOL the missus sets her tub on