The Osceola times., 1883-10-13
A PATENT CALuMNlAT0R.
A Device that Eatties the Opposition ana
Makes the Candidates Faith Pleasant.


A Device that Iatties the Opposition and
Makes the Candidates Faith Pleasant.
san Francisco Post.
Old Major snodgrass was nominated
for State Senator up in Oregon the other
day, and the same evening duFty look
ing stranger. chiefly attired in an old
plug hat and an ingratiating smile,
dropped in to see the nominee on partic-
ular business
81 have cone, Major" said the visitor,
putting his feet on the piano stool, and
lighting a Sullivan cigarette, 81 have
c,me 10 congratulate you ON your pros
poets, and to offer you my services as a
frst-class calumniator."
"A what" asked the Major. much sur
prised.
"Why, calumniator. Never run for
Office before? We'll, III explain: You
see, as soon as a nominee starts in on his
canvass, of course the opposition parties
pct right in and traduce him for all that's
out you've noticed the fact / dare say ?'
ayes, think | have" said old Snod-
grass with a sigh.
Exactly they invent all sorts ofqueer
stories about the man, and try to blacken
his record the wort way"
"And they succeed, pretty eften, too,
groanei the Major
"They used to, my dear sir. they used
to" said the expert, "but not since the
introduction of my new idea, the patent
calumniator scheme. 1t works like a
charm"
"Does, ELI ?" said the amateur politician
"You bet it does. Now, how do we
work the business and defeat the plans
of the opposition-nowh how?"
"Can't imagine" said the Major.
"Why, by gettingahead of them every
time, bless your heart. DO your own
slanderine, don't you see? Put 'em on
the wrong track, Ell? You grapple with
the idea, don't you~
Cant say do" said snodgrass re-
ileciively.
"Why, it's as simple as daylight. You
see you stake me on the quiet, and get
in and start paper apparently devoted
TO the opposition. The very first issue
come out and allude to the long suspected
fact that you poisoned your grandmother
in ~
"But didn't~ ~roared the Major, look
ing around for club"
"Gently! gently my dear sir" said
the visitor, putting his foot on the poker
"Of course you didn't, but say so all the
same. or course all the other opposition
papers will take it up and make fearful
row. Then an investigation is had, and
both your grandmothers are found to be
living. Catch the point, don't you?"
"But how does that help me?" asked
the nominee.
"Why, don't you zee, it keeps the other
fellows attention excited, and they don't
90 into your real record at al"
"But my record is all right" said the
Major, Indignantly.
well, perhaps II is-perhaps it is, T"
said the expert dryly. But it's cold
day that these newspaper hyenas can't
dig up bone or two. Better keep 'em
of the track Well, the next thing |
drop the grandmother scandal, and say
shat we have four aflidavits that you
beat your first wife with rolling pin,
and that you have served out two terms
in the penitentiary for forging checks in
your early youth Thatll start 'em off
again."
"rhen I'm vindicated again. am / -
l.. e., \ 4
edtorially withdraw the charges, but at
the same time | claim that the we'll
founded circumstances of your having
set fire to blind asylum in Louisiana
and being wanted for smuggling in Cuba
have never been satisfactorily explain
ed"
'"Well, and then?' said the nominee
thoughtfully.
"After We have let up on these charges
and admitted that you were never in
either place in your life. we 90 for you
worse than eyer-say something perfectly
terrible you understand you of
taking lessons on the coronet, or some
thing like that, You see, and keep the
SANDER mill booming right up to election
day"
And you think that will help me ?"
mused the senatorial aspirant
why, t. be sure, my dear sir. It's
the only way. And besides all this,
groundless prosecutions make the public
indignant, and the first thing you know
everybody is voting for you out of pure
sympathy. It's the only way"
And as the inventor Of the patent cal
umniator is now in town buying type, it
is fair 10 suppose that Major Snodgrass
will be elected ahead of his ticket.