Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1883-11-14
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

hUMUhUUS 1IEMSs
The Boston Post thinks it rather etirs
up the bile of college president to
speak of him as running dude factory.
A DAYTON, O., man put pistol ball
in his stomach. As his digestion is good
he may not digestyet. -Pittsburg 1ele-
graph.
GAMMA: what must you do before ev-
erything else to have your sins forgiv-
Paper.
"Do you believe in an omen ?" was
once asked Ned Sothern. "Only when
it has w. before it, was the prompt
reply. Theatrical NeWs.
THERE is no market in China for
American chromos. The natives tried
every way to make them eatable, but
finally gave it up as failure.
The question is asked us if there is
anything that will bring pouth to
woman? Yes, indeed. An income of
$40, 900 will bring any number of them.
81 GUESS that girl must be the -four
of the family" remarked young man
who bad been WALKING with her, as he
essayed to brush off white spot on his
coatsleeve.
FIVE Of the graduating class at Wash
sar make their own dresses. To bacu-
elor, the temptation ia strong to marry
all five, but it is not Utah everywhere
LoweU Citizen.
IT is poor policy to give man brandy
| when he fainte. As a general thing,
you won't be able to restore him to con.
sciousness until the brandy gives OUT
Philadelphia Call.
OFER you get rebutation, yoost put
him in der key and lock. He vas yoos
like some umbrellas you loose
him you don'd see him not any more yet.
Carl Prefzet's Weekly.
CLARE Cooking at the bopnets, etc.):
Don't you think they are handsome 2"
Amy (whose thoughts are on the other
side of the st1eet): every, specially
the one with the black mustache."
| A LADY writer is out with an article
entitled "How to Catch Husband. .
But her theory is ell wrong. Ask any
married woman how to catch a husband.
and she will reply, SPY the halr.''
A BOY near Porghkeepsie took some
paint and dye and fixed up dog to re-
semble an escaped menagerie tiger, and
before the canine gave himself away the
whole county had ch,l's and shakes.
A DUBUQUE man accidentally knocked
hi self down with a club that he was
waving toward some cats. He did the
best thing he could under the circum-
stances. He i4wed his wife.-Boston
Post.
AN old lady in Georgia, having lost
all her patience, has sued neighbor fol
So for coffee borrowed cupful alta time.
1t is in order to suggest that she has
ample grounds for the suis.-Lowel
Courier.
"HERE is the dog you lost aud adver-
tised for" "Thank you, good day.
"But give me the reward" "The re
ward What for that dog? Say, yor
give me:the reward and keep the dog.
|-Ge1r11a,s Joke.
A DOCTOR has rendered an idiot boy
of Cleveland intelligent by the applica
ton of electricity. His success makes
him dream mildly about bringing up thu
rest Of the city to the average standard
Free Press Cynac
| SoMERv111E takes the first prize for {
tender-hearted man. he is so sensitive
that he can't bear to see or hear his wifi,
saw wood, aud when she tackles the
bncksaw in the cellar be puts on his ha
and walks out of the house.
If brooms ale wet in boiling sud
once week they become very Il ugh
and will not break up so easily when
fond wife is demonstrating with her hus
band and trying to induce him to d
better.-Bisnaorck Tribune.
THE petrified remains Of on ichtbyce
( aurus have been found iii chalk forma
ton, resting on a stratum of gypsum
on the ranch of john Barker, in .Ker
County, Cal. Barker must be terribl
! ashamed Of it.-ROsto,a Post.
THERE are some girls so awfully mic
that they will not dance with a fellow i
a ball room if his haic sticks up on tn
. back of his head. The same girl ma
8 be seen at the age OF 81 looking N seve
different directions for husband.
: II SHALL teach you to speak prov
erly, and then to write as you speak,
a said teacher in the public schools
"Porr Billy Wilcox" said little voice
a involuntarily. "What about Billy
"Please ma'am, he speaks through b
nose."
shave you got quail on toast
asked a seedy- looking party as he Ell
tered Market Street restaurant til
other day. "Have you got an eagle O.
,, silver?' asked the proprietor. Ard th
conference adjourned sine die.
Francisco Post.
cit does seem that the child is Ion
time in learning to talk" said lady
her husband, meaning their little cir
= Sab, we'll, said the cynical gentleman
"don't worry yourself about her begi1
ming. She'll dou btless know how to tai
! many years before she knows how t
STOP"
A GENTLEMAN was giving little Keo
kuk baby boy some peanuts the othe
day. The good mother said: emo
what are you going to say to the gentle
man? ?" With childish simplicity tn
little fellow looked up in the gentleman
j face and replied: "Mo1e!''-Keoku
, a.) Democrat.
A YOUNG mother consults one of he
friends upon the profession she ought
; give to her son. s. The child trouble
me; he is of dreamy nature and take
with the IDEAL" Make HIM an arch
tect, my dear madam" replies he
friend. ''He will then be able to bull
, castles in Spain.-Frone the French"
"IHAvEN'T heard anything from 70
in some time" wrote an Arkapsaw fl
Their to his SOD, "and fear that 70