Connecticut western news., 1883-01-03

"The toast, Woman, God bless her, assigned to me this evening, includes the sex universally" said Mark Twain at the New England Society dinner. ''It is to woman, comprehensively, wheresoever she may be found. Let us consider her ways. First comes the matter of dress. This is 8 most important consideration, in subject of this nature, and must be disposed of before we can intelligently proceed to examine the profounder depths of the theme. For text, let us take the dress of two antipodal types the savage and the cultivated daughter of our high civilization.
 "Among the Fans, agreat negro tribe, a woman, when dressed for home, or to go to market, or to go out calling, does not wear anything at all but just her complexion. That is all. That is her entire outfit. It is the legitimate cos tune of the world, but is made of the darkest material. It has often been mis- taken for mourning. It is the trimmest and neatest and gracefullest costume that was ever in fashion; it wears well; it dosen't show dirt. You don't have to send it down town to wash, and have some of it come back scorched with the flat-iron. and some of 1t with the buttons ironed off, and some of it petrifed with starch. and some of 1t chewed by the calf. and some of 1t routed with acids, and some of itexchanged it for other costumers' things that athaven' 'tany virtue but holiness, and ten-twelfths of the pieces overcharged for, and the rest of the dozen mislaid. And it always fits; it is the perfection of fit And it is the handiest dress in the whole realm of fashion. It is al ways done up. When you call on Fan lady, send up your card, the hired girl never says, 'Please take seat; madame is dressing; she will be down in three quarters of an hour. No, madame is al- ways dressed, always ready to receive, and before you can get the door mat be- fore your eyes she is in your midst. Then again, the Fan ladies don't go to church to see what others have got on; and they don't go back home and describe and islander it.
 'sSuch is the dark child of savagery as to every day toilet; and thus, curiol1sly enough, she finds point of contact with the fair daughter of civilization and high fashion, who often has nothing to wear;' and thus these widely separated types of the sex meet upon common ground. Yes, such is the Fan woman as she ap- pears in her simple, unostentatious every day toilet. But on state occasions she is more dressy At banquet she wears bracelets; at a lecture she wears earrings and belt; at Q ball she wears stockings, and with true feminine fondness for dis play she wears them on her arms. At a funeral she wears jacket of tar and ashes; at wedding, the bride who can afford 1t puts on pantaloons. There the dark child of savagery and the fair daughter of civilization meet once more upon common ground; and these two touches of nature make the whole world kin.
 "Now we will consider the dress of our other type. A large part of the daughter of civilization is her dress, as it should be. Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress, and soEae would lose all of it. The daughter of 2g33odern civilization, dressed at her utmost best, is marvel of exquisite and beauti- ful art and expense. All the lands, all the clmes, and all the arts are laid under tribute to furnish her forth. Her linen is from Belfast; her robe is from Paris; her lace is from Venice or Spain or France her feathers are from the remoter regions of southern Africa; her furs are from the remoter home of the iceberg and the aurora; her fan from Japan; her diamonds from Brazil; her bracelets from | California; her pearls from Ceylon; her cameos from Rome; she has gems and trinkets from buried Pompeii, and others that graced comedy Egyptian forms, that have been dust and ashes now for forty centuries, her watch is from | Geneva, her card case is from China, her hair from, from, from-I don't know find out. That is her other hair-her public hair-her Sunday hair. I don't mean the hair she goes to bed with. Why, you ought to know the hair I mean it's that thing which she calls a switch, and which resembles 8 switch as much as it resembles a brickbat or a correct people with. It's that thing which she twists and then coils round | and round her head beehive fashion, and then tucks the end in under the hive and harpoons 1t with hairpin.
 sAnd that reminds me of trife. Any time you want to, you can glance around the carpet of Pullman car and go and pick up hairpin; but, not to save you1 life, can you get any woman in that cal to acknowledge that hairpin. Now, isn't that strange? But it's true. The woman who has never swerved from cast iron veracity and fidelity in her whole life will, when confronted with this cru. cial test, deny her hairpin. She will deny that hairpin before hundred wit nesses. I have stupidly got into more trouble and more hot water trying tc hunt up the owner of hairpin in Pull man car than by any other indiscretion of my life.
 'Well, you see what the daughter oi civilization is when she is dressed, and you have seen what the daughter of say. agery is when she isn't. Such woman as to costume. I come, now, to consider her in her higher and nobler respect-as ; mother, wife, widow, grass widow
 mother-in-law, hired girl, telegraph oper ator, telephone helloer, queen, book agent
 wet nurse, stepmother, boss, professions fat woman, professional double-headec woman, professional beauty, and so forth and so on. We will simply discuss these
 few-let the rest of the sex tarry in Jeri
 cho till we come again.
 "First on the list, and first in oul gratitude, comes woman who-who-
 looking at his watchl Dear me, Tn
 opposed to this ten-minute rule, whicl
 supposes all men have equal powers and
 inirmities. It takes me as long to gel
 out fifty words as it does some of thes'
 glib fellows to say 500; and when I'v'
 done I haven't said anything, and the,
 haven't either. But, you see, I hav'
 had time to introduce my subject.
 took large contract, and if I had unti
 next Forefathers' Day am satisfied tha !, I could discuss it as adequately and a
 appreciatively as so gracious and noble