The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-08-31
WIT AND HuMoR.

are only twelve hundred towns west of
the mississippi river without churches
or regular preaching of any. kind.
80 you've given up keeping board
ers, Mrs Pringle. Couldn't you make
payg' "Oh, yes; made it pay well
enough, but the mistake / made was
that made it pay the boarders..'
A man in Italy has made a clock en-
ureiy out OF bread. 1t may be no more
than proper to state that the MAIN
spring is made out of piece of North
american railroad eating-house sand
witch cover.
Engineer Boiler has reported to the
park board that "Macomb's dam bridge
IS unsafe, and that it will require $27,-
500 to repair it.. That is a good deal
OF money, but there is no use in the en-
gineer being profane about IL.
1t is said the dudes are adopting knee
breaches for everyday wear at the east
ern summer resorts. II it rains as much
at the eastern resorts as it does at the
west the dudes will need cave troughs
on their knee breeches.
One of the most trying moments of a
mans life is when he is getting his pic
ture taken to send to his best girl, and
is just assuming his most angelic ex-
preston, and fly alights on his nose.
Williamsport Grit.
Wonder whose funeral that tsp" said
woman, looking from window and
addressing her companion. ''Seems to
be very good one," the companion
answered. Eyes, but still don't think
that it is strictly first-class. ''-Arkan-
sdW Traveller.
''Is the dog mad?' he asked the boy,
as the animal dashed by. II reckon he
is!'' replied the boy; II just see butch
er take piece o. meat away from him
and kick him six feet into the air.
Wouldn't you be mad if that was done
to youP"-Boston Post.
.''Save the Sweetest Kiss for Mother''
is the title of the last new song. The
author evidently overlooks the fact that
the young mans precious time is so
completely occupied in paying his re-
spects TO the daughter that the old lady
stands mighty slim chance of getting
any kiss at all.
Mr.. Bergh, the S. p. G.. A. man, says
it is cruelty to animals to catch fish
with hook. There wouldn't be much
fun in fishing if man had to dive I'M
,der the water and hold chloroform to
iish's nose until it became unconscious,
and then hit it on the head with ham,
mer.-NorristOUa Herald.
"Show me sensible man who is OPP
posed to capital punishment!' exclaim-
ed a lawyer while in conversation dur
ing recess of court II am," replied
II gentleman sitting near. 'And why
so, sir; give your reasons. because
| am sentenced to be hung next month"
--ArkansaU Traveller.
A fruit grower says it is good plan
TO trim fruit trees high, and pasture or
chards with sheep. The old plan of al
lowing the limbs to grow close to the
ground, and pasture the orchard with a
dog always seemed to us to be very eff
fective, but sheep that knows his bus
mess can also make it very torrid for
boys.--Peck's Sun.
The female shrieks heard in German
town few nights ago were not, as at
first supposed, made by woman who
was being murdered by her husband.
They were emitted by a young. woman
in West Philadelphia, ten miles distant,
who, while crimping her hair, dropped
hot slate-pencil down her back
NorristODn Herald.
A floating item says that the queen
of one of the old countries has to have
doctor sit by her side at dinner to tell
her what to eat. See how much differ
ence there is between - queen and q
real Healthy girl of this western coun-
try. Some of these western girls al
most need to have doctor sit beside
them at dinner to tell them when to stop
eating. -Peck's Sun.
'sShe thirsted for one fond look-she
starved for kiss denied" says Ella
Wheeler in one of her poems. Poor
thing! In these days, when 'fond
looks are lying all about from every
street corner, and "kisses" are not de-
MED when anybody knows where they
are wanted, it is too bad. We have
heard of "starving to death in the midst
of plenty" This poor creature seems
to be trying it on. Hartford Post.
The burlesque of .'Evangeline" did
not succeed in London. The English
critics said the play lacked the continu-
ity Of plot, denounced the situations as
improbable, and pitched into the ''lone
nSherman lot coming Oh Ine soaSo III
such condition that he did not know
what scenes he belonged in, and could
not speak line anyhow. They thought
he was drunk. You've got to get an
Englishman down and pound his head
with an AK to make him think you're
funny Boston Post
A playwright has introduced buzz
saw into his new play, as an element OF
danger. ALI the unnecessary charac-
tiers are supposed to monkey" with it
before the curtain drops on the last act.
The villain of the play, we suspect. sits
upon the engine of destruction, and be-
comes split ticket, as it were, from A
to lizard. This realism on the stage
will not stop until the introduction OF a
servant girl, can Of Kerosene oil, and
kitchen -Norristown Herald.