The Black range. (Robinson, Socorro County, N.M.) 1882-1897, 1883-06-29
NO. II.
turn the batter cakes"

| ny auu Oys NhCh Soho tOOt oChs
down to the rum mill on the corner and
hired an artist by the week to sit up
nights and curse that stranger, and give
me lift occasionally IN the day time,
when came to hard place.
All, what miscreant he wasl His
advertisement" was nothing in the
world but wicked tax return-a string
of impertinent questions about my pri.
vate affairs occupying the best part of
four foolcap pages of fine print-ques-
tiOns l may remark cotton up with such
marvellous ingenuity that the oldest
man in the world couldn't understand
what the most of them were driving at
questions, too, that were calculated
to make a man report about four times
his actual income to keep for swear
ing to a lie. 1 looked for loop-hole
but there did not appear to be any. In
quiry No. covered my case, as gener-
ously and as amply as an umbrella
could cover an ant hill:
"What were your profits in 1859. from
any trade, business or vocation, wherever
carried on?'
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen others Of equally searching
nature, the most modest Of which re-
quired information as to whether had
committed any burglary or highway
robbery or by any arson or other secret
source had accused the emolument in
my statement of income as set opposite.
to my inquiry Mol.
1t was strange but the stranger had
enabled me to make an ass of myself.
1t was very, very plain, and l went out
and hired another artist. By working
on my vanity the stranger had seduced
me into declaring an income of $214,O 900.
By law 81, 900 of this was exempt from
income tax-the only relief could see
and it was only drop in the ocean.
at the legal five per cent. must pay
over to the government the appalling
sum of $10.650 income tax.
! am acquainted with very Opulent
man, whose house is palace, whose
table is regal, whose outlays are enor-
nous, yet man who has no income, az
l have often noticed by the revenue re-
turns; and to him went for advice IN
my distress. He took my dreadful ex-
hibition of receipts, he put on his
glasses, he took his pen, and presto!
was a pauper! 1t was the neatest thing
that ever was. He did 1t simply by
deftly manipulating the bill of "deduc-
tions." He set down my "state, nation
al and municipal taxes" at so much;
my 'losses by shipwreck, fire, etc." at
so much; my "losses on sales of real
estate"-on "live stock sold"-on "pay-
ments for rent of homestead" re-
pairs, improvements, interest" "pre-
vlously taxed salary as an officer of the
United States army, navy, revenue
service" and other items. He got as
tonishing deductions out of each and
every one of them. And when he was
done he handed me the paper. and I
saw at Il glance that during 1859 my in
come, in the way of profits, had been
S1,25040.
Now said he, the thousand dollars
is exempt by law. When you want to
do it 60 and swear this document in,
and pay tax on the two hundred and
fifty dollars"
[Whlle he was making this speech his
little boy Willie lifted two dollar
greenback out of his vest pocket and
vanished with 1t, and | would bet any
thing that if my stranger were to call
on the little boy tomorrow he would
make false return of the income
do you" said l, do you ALWAYS work
up the deductions after this fashion in
your own case, sir?"
"Well, should say so!'' II it weren't.
for those eleven saving clauses under
the head of deductions l should be-
beggared every year to support this
hateful and wicked, this extortionate
and tyrannical government"
This gentleman stands way up among
the very best of the solid men of the
city. the men Of moral weight, of COM
merical integrity, of unimpeachable
social spotliness, and so bowed to his
example. l went down to the revenue
Office, and, under the assuring eye of my
old visitor. stood up and swore to a
lie, fraud after fraud, ,villainy after viii
lainy, till my immortal soul was coated
inches and inches thick with perjury
and my self-respect was gone forever
and ever.
But what of ity 1t is nothing more
than thousands Of the highest and
richest and proudest and most respect
ed, honored aud courted men in Ameri-
ca do every year. And so Idon't care
l am not ashamed. shalt simply, for
the present, talk little and wear fire.
proof gloves, lest l fall into certain
habits irrevokably."-Mark Twain
A fashionable Austin lady, lmmedi-
ately after the death of her husband
married his brother. A visitor at the
house. noticing tile picture OF her late
husband, asked who it was. "lt Is