Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1883-03-23
WIT AND HUM0R.

can't vou?" of course l can: You
didn't expect me to throw away the
soup and eat the fly. did You"
The most aspiring men known are
the Nicnnesr who are 50 prone to bal
| looming that the authorities have an
| nounced that married men who de-
sire TO take arial voyages cannot do
So until they have received the con
sent of their wives and children.
Old gentleman docking at a bob
tailed horse: BLESS me- how very
short they have cut his tail Attend
| ant: His master Is member of the
Society for the Protection Of Ami
mails. sir In this fashion he will not
annoy the poor lilies.
Country Doctor Ito Tomkins. y
Now with regard to that cut on the
top of your head l don't think it
will be serious. but you must keep
your eve on it." And Tomkins who
has the slightest suspicion OF squlnt.
| goes away and disrecommendS that
| doctor.
Indeed, | shall not buy my wife a
sealskin sacque." remarked a Phila-
delphia man. They are SO hard to
get off that the fair owners keep them
on when making calls and are sure to
take cold when they go out again into
the open air. | love my wife too
much to expose her to such dangers. y
The Manchester IN. H. Union tells
about lady who entered stOrIin
that city and asked for a two cent
postage stamp. Upon being informed
by the storekeeper that he had only
those of the three cent denomination,
she replied that she understood that
they had been marked down to two
cents.
We'll, Tom," said blacksmith to
an apprentice, ''you have been with
Inc now three months. and have seen
all the different points in our trade;
l wish to give You Your choice OF
work for while" "Thank'ce sir"
well, now, what part of the business
do you like best" Shutting up shop
and goin' to dinner"
The obliginS visitor, to show that
he is really fond of children. and that
the dear little one is not annoying
INN in the least, treats the kid to a ride
upon his knee. 'Trot. trot. trot,
How do you like that. my boy? Is
that nice?" Yes, sir" replies the
child, ''but not SO nice as on the real
donkey, the one with four legs
On Ike eve of the election of
Clement XIV. to the Papacy he
was waited upon by four Cardinals.
who urgently insisted that it was alb
solutely necessary that he should be
elected Pope. Brethren" was his
answer, IF this is joke there are
too many of you, but if it is in earn
est there are not enough of you
A Scotch professor experimenting
before his pupils with some combus-
tible substances, when, us he was
mixing them, they exploded, shatter
ing the vial which he he'd into frag
mcnts. He held up II small piece of
glass, and said. very gravely: Gen
tlemen, have made this experiment
often with this very same vial, and
never knew it to break in my hands
before"
In our country" said the English
man, as he leaned back in his chair,
"before We marry we arrange to set
tie certain sum upon the wife
Yes, know replied the American;
but with us it Is different. 1t is
after we are married that we settle
everything ON the wife and arrange
to beat our creditors" "Haw. | see
And how do tho creditors take it 2"
They never find anything to take"
I've bone to pick with YOU" said
Brown, as he entered his tailor's es
tablishment
why, what's the matter" asked
the tailor.
Matter exclaimed Brown. just
look at these trousers! I've only
worn them week, and they're all
ripped to pieces"
Worn them whole week." shout
ed the tailor What would you
have? DO you expect pair of five
dollar pantaloons to last century 2"
| The late Luther Malinus Sargent,
Sr, gentleman Of wealth and liter
airy ability, was al ardent and con
slstent temperance man, yet he was
the unfortunate possessor of an
irascible temper and very promi
nent red nose. At one time he presid
ed over temperance meeting in
Roybury. After some Introductory
remarks, he was proceeding to de
nounce liquor sellers, when a rude
fellow in the audience shouted, MIR
Sargent, if you are goin' to lecture on
temperance, you'd better take in your
sign" This imprudent remark en-
ragged the old gentleman terribly.
| A Boston congregation is Disguised
with their minister because he has no
sense OF the fitness of things. A
celebrated divine had preached so
fervently that when he sat down the
people were hushed and many in
tears. Hardly was the great preach
er seated before their shepherd
popped up and briskly announced
that the parishioners were expected
to turn out in large numbers to the
sociable to be held the following
evening, and that they were requested
to bring with them liberal contribu-
tons of cold corned beef, tongue,
turkey, ham sandwiches, and not bis
cults. There is time for all things.
There is time for mourning and "a
time for rejoicing. But the time to
talk of cold corned beef and fixings
is clearly not in a moment of intense
spiritual exaltation
The whole philosophy of hospital
ity is summed up by Emerson in the
following: Il pray You, o excellent
wife. not to cumber yourself and me
to get rich dinner for this man or
this woman who las alighted at our
gate, nor a bed chamber made ready
at too great cost. These things, if
they are curious in. they can get for
Il dollar at the village. But let this
stranger see, if he will, in your looks,
III your accent and behavior, your