Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1883-08-15
HUMOROUS

1 - dkNxL6MAN Weut kutO . kuA 6ttti
for the purpose Of buying q gun. he
saw fine sample Of the stock on tie
show case ard attempted to pick it up
for examination. Toe German store
keeper, who saw the move eit, shou-
ted: "Mine friend, dots besser you look
pooty veil out. Dot gun vas loaded,
und When he goes off he kicks like ter
tuyfel." the gentleman, thinking to
have some fun with the German, re-
piled, ga gun can't kick; it has no
legs" "Vat said the storekeeper: che
Something's, und l gd you a leedle in.
aammations. Vas in der pishDess und
I know somedingS. A gun don't kick
mt Its legs; it kicks NIT its breeches. "
''Is your railroad well equipped?"
Railroad president-"Well equipped? !?
l should say it was. Splendidly equipp-
ed, sir, splendidly. For instance, there
are our first mortgage sevens, and our
second mortgage skies, and our equip
ment bonds, and our land grant bonds.
and our common stock, and our PREFER
ed stock, and the biggest floating debt
of any road in the country. But tina.
isn't all, sir. We've got the finest lob
by that any corporation can show; a
perfect daisy, sir. If you know of a
road that's better equipped than ours
is, name it, sir; name it. If you please" !"
"CHARLEY is wonderful fellow;
great presence of mind, you know"
"Why, what has Charley been doing?"
ssBet on the boat race and lost every
thing completely cleaned out-nOt a
cent left" "WeilT KNEW his wife
would rave about it, You know: call him
all sorts of fools and fling it In his face
as long as he lived. So Charley flung
his empty pocket-book overheard and
swore that he had had his pocket picked
when he got home. What dye think
of that? Wonderful fellow Great pres
ence of mind!'
SOLD: Young Collector-''Here is a
very ancient little piece of Chinese ivory,
evidently of some historical value, and
1 only psId $40 for it. Can you trans
late the inscription for me?" Professor,
after profound study-'This, sir, is a
laundry check. The inscription is an
English one, written in Chinese char
acters, and says, No money, no
washee.' Young collector does not say
tnat he has promised to take two more
at the same price If the dealer can Sc
cure them for him.
Two gentlemen we're talking the other
day about tneir success in life. One
i -oI k1of ha 10 RaltI-
more, just after the war, he didn't have
a second shirt to his back. "That's
nothing" replied the other. "When 1
came to Baltimore 1 did not have any
shirt to my back at al" He was born
here.
PROFESSOR, to young lady student.
Your mark Is very low and you have
only i1st passed. Young lady-Oh, 1
am SO glad. Professor, surprised
Why? Young LADY, do SO love tight
squeeze.
MosE SCHAUMBERG always charges
two per cent. month on all money he
lends. A few days ago Gus de Smith
and Gilhooly happened to be in Schaum-
berg's store, and Gus said: "Mr.
Schsumburg, would like to speak to
you privately for a few moments. J."
"Don't, don't, Gus" whispered Gill
hooIy; shell charge you two per cent.
moLth for the use OF his ear.
''DoN'r say ENTRY Charles" said
Mrs. Culture to her son, "'hal' is
much more elegant" Next day the
young man astonished his friends by
speaking of Alderman Shoughnessy's
"haii into Office" but the boy wasn't SO
far out of the way; had he spelled it
"baul" he would have been quite cor
rect.
The following order for set Of teeth
was recently received by Pittsburg
dentlst: my mouth is three inches
across, five-eighth inches through the
jaw; some hummocky on the edge;
shaped like horseshoe, toe forward.
If You wish me to be more particular l
shall have to come thar"
SAYS Rev. DIR. Deems: 81 know men
down on Wall street, and will even go
go far as to say in Washington, who are
as pure as sny saints 1 ever saw" If
Rev. DIR. Deems doesn't get himself
disiiked by his flock after this utterance
they must indeed have the patience of
saints.
CUISINES is pretty good, said an
undertaken to an interviewer; 'but If
lying was punished as it was in the
days of Ananias, would have to en-
large my works and purchase fifty more
hearses." He would also give some
other undertaken job.
In Vienna the law compels a married
man to obtain permission from his wife
before he can go up in a balloon. Up
to date there has not been one applica-
tion refused, and the authorities are
beginning to think the law might as
well be repealed.
The Drummer says: 1.-THE meanest
man we have heard of this season is the
fellow who telegraphed his sympathy
to friend. who had lost everything in
speculation, and made him pay for the
message"
SAMMY TILDEy has grown so strong
that when he whistles for a street car
he can be heard distinctly with the
naked eye.
"WHArl smoking again | L thought
You SAID smoking didn't agree with
your at doesn't (expellirg a thick
cloud), but we've agreed to disagree"
1T's easy enough for DIR. Talmage to
tell us to look on the bright side of
things, but when a man wants to look
at the eclipse, then what2
COMMERCIAL traveler-'tMy name is
Miller. l am agent for Schultze. in
Berlin" Merchant "Schultze, ID
Berlin? In that case l must beg you
to shut the door from the outside"
Glass is being every day put to va
riety OF uses for which Its fragility
would seem to make it little adapted.
The latest instance Of this is glass shin
giles, now manufactured at Pittsburg, and
sold 10 ba mora durahla strou0ar apd