The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-08-03

The drinker of wormwood soon be-
comes absinthe-minded.


Don't leave off your gums. New Ha-
ven Register. No, indeed; you may
need them to fit new teeth to.
This is an age of universal deceit,
even the honest old farmer is often
guilty of watering his stock Chicago
Eye.
IL am going to run for State Treasur-
err" said a politician to an acquaint-
ance. That is unnecessary" the ac-
quaintance replied; swat until you're
elected, and then do your running"
The reason why woman cannot sue
coed as well as man in the walks of life
is because, when she is on the walks,
one hand is usually employed in holding
up her dress.
Heard in bric-a-brac store: Custo-
mer-''Have you any more Louis XIV.
furniturep" New clerk-"No, madame
not Just now. The men in our facto-
| ry are on STRIKE"
A blind man, for fifty years occupant
| of a Connecticut almshouse, has such
remarkable memory that he can repeat
any sermon he hears almost word for
word. There are some Affections before
which common humanity stands aghast.
A young man should always want to
see himself as others see him, and in
| doing so he will find that his ears never
seem so big as they do in spring time
after he has had his hair cut for warm
weather.
| A dispatch announces that q western
station agent is missing, and although
the human eye is susceptible of great
education, yet it requires a struggle to
keep from reading it treasurer" instead
of agent.
Mamma-"Why are you always beat
ing your doll? That isn't nice" Elsa
Yes, it is. l must beat the doll, be-
cause l don't want papa to tell me, as
he always tells you, that am spelling
my children"
"Why don't you eat like you do at
homep" said the rural bridegroom to
his bride, at st. Nicholas table d'hote,
as she nibbled this and tasted that in
her embarrassment; ''them folks over
there don't pay no more'n we do, and
you are goose to be afraid"
Deaths by violence average about 49,
600 year in Russia, there being an
average of ten murders day About
1880 are frozen to death every year.
And vet with all these advantages, Rus
sian newspapers are stupid.-BoSton
Post.
A North Carolina woman, aged "a,
has Just begun to learn to read. Prob
ably she was informed by an enemy
that her name was in one of the local
papers. When woman's curiosity is
once aroused there is no telling what
she'll do in order to crafty it.
Ex-Secretary Evarts has thirteen
daughters. 1t is reported that he never
locks the front door Sunday nights until
after II o'clock, and even then he lies
awake an hour worrying for fear there
may be stray couple in the dining-room
which he has overlooked.
1t is alleged that Socrates said that a
man should get drunk once month, but
that he should lock himself in his cham
Der, and drink good wine. This seems
to be a very good idea, and if Socrates
were not dead ut present we might sug-
gest that we would provide the chamber
if he would furnish the wine.
Small boy of eight Cooking over pic
ture book with boy of ten) What's
that? S. b. of ten-Why, don't you
know? That's a donkey, haven't you
ever seen q donkeyp S. b. of eight
(doubtfully)-No: S. b. of ten (patron-
izingly)-Why / have-lots of 'em-in
the theological gardens, you know.
A Cincinnati man, caught in the belt
ing and whirled around at the rate of a
mile in about two minutes, was rescued
uninjured. When asked if he wasn't
terribly frightened, he answered: mo;
I thought my wife had caught me and
was running me out by the back of the
neck"
The discipline OF the German army is
almost, if not quite, perfect. 1t is
never relaxed under any circumstances.
A captain and lieutenant were on the
deck of q steamship out at sea for the
first time. "How do you feel, Lieuten-
antP' asked the captain. Every sick,
Captain "Why don't you use ba-
sinp" asked the captain. II would have
done so long ago, Captain, but 1 was
waiting for you to be sick first. would
be court martialed if l were to take
precedence of my ranking officer. Will
you be pleased to be sick first, Captain. !"
A prudent housewife informed he1
husband one night that she wanted a
small rug, and that he must buy it be-
cause she didn't look fit to 60 out. "But
on no account" said she, 'must you
pay more than 80 for o rug worth So;
and if you don't find it in one place go
to another" ''All right, said the good
man, "Ill take half day off to-mor-
row." The following morning he noti-
fed his employer that he wanted half a
day off, because there was sickness in
the family, hoping by means of the
faIsehood that his wages would not be
locked. He excused himself to himself
for the lie, saying, eff don't get that
rug there will be serious sickness in the
family" He succeeded in obtaining the
desired article for $1.99, and on the fol.
lowing Saturday his employer deducted
80 from his earnings.
A merchant in Paris lost his pocket.
J book, containing 5000 francs in bank
: notes. He Immediately advertised, Of