Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-04-19
CHAFF.

! A South Carolina brides dowry in,
cluded s4 600 set of false teeth. And
her husband, VIXEN he speaks of hel
precisus mouth, knows what he is talk
ing about.
One of the best farmers in Maine is
said to be Miss Martin of South Auburn.
She carries on farm successfully and
pays much attention to fine stock-rais.
ing.
The meanest slight girl can pat up
on all admirer is to use postal card in
refusing an offer of marriage. It proves
that she doesn't actually care two cents
for him.
The first society for the prevent IN
of cruelty to animals was founded by
the mother of the English Minister
Forster, who is living in Dorsetshire,
much beloved in her old age.
It is said "two hundred years ago the
Indians INDUCED in Turkish baths. %
Yes, 1t must have been all of two hun
dred years ago. To judge from the
one We saw last it might have been one
thousand years ago.
The almanac says that Venus low
rises at 40S q. m. Why she should get
up at that hour III the morning is be-
yord our astronomical information, un-
less she has big days washing before
her.
4 young man should always want to
sec himself as others see bim, and do
ing SO he will find that his ears never
seem so big as they do in the spring
time after he has had his hair cut for
warm weather.
e One of thc boys, acquainted with
Fogg's frequent changes of abode, ask
| ed him which he thought was the
cheaper, to move or to pay rent. 81
can't tell you, my dear boy" replied
Fogg; II have always moved"
The other day New York paper
pied column of type, but as the time
was pressing the foreman Just stuck
over 1t line stating that it was a COM
plete list Of the Malagsssy delegation
and let it go.
The New York police are to have a
course of lectures from eminent sur
geons on the important subject: Chow
TO Stop the Flow of Blood after Brain.
ing Man with Club"
An exchange heads an item. "Pie
stands Oh the Elevated roads,. If it is
the venerable restaurant pie we don't
wonder that it stands, but we pity the
next train that comes along.
"Dwo vas schoost enough, budt dree
Vas too blendty," remarked Hans, when
his best girl asked him to take her
mother along with him to the dance.
Stranger in Boston: "Can you di-
rect me to the house in which Emerson
kuy t,rtg- UOrl1 slIUW you us
loon where Sullivan took drink"
1t has been remarked that every min
er knows his lode, but the history of
the rise and fall of the toy-pistol has
proven that every minor doesn't know
his load.
The doors of ffty.nine Baltimore
churches swing open the wrong way.
Instead of opening toward the street,
so as to present no imeediment to the
escape of a panic stricken congregation
they open inwardly so as TO pen the
would be fugitives into the vestibules,
and there let them smother or burn to
death. The Baltimore building inspect
ors have wisely ordered that all these
doors shall be altered and hinged SO as
to swing outwardiy.
Only a few weeks ago an Eastern
traveller was looking at funeral pro-
cession III Leadville, and remarked to
the local clergyman with whom he was
talking that the deceased must have
been an important citizen, as the pro-
cession was so long. "Do you call that
a big shoH?' exclaimed the divine.
'Just you wait here till we plant one of
our big men, and we'll show you fun
eral!' There was clergyman with the
true Leadville spirit.
A pair of Delaware lovers visited
Wilmington recently to get married.
They got the license, bat while the
bridegroom was waiting for the bride
to slick up her hair he went out and
treated himself-in fact, he treated
himself about seven times, and when
he returned the expectant bride wanted
TO comb his hair. They finally went
home without being married, and now
she says he has got to sign the pledge
before the knot is tied.
Twenty-Five years ago a young Phil
adelphia wife nearly cried her eyes out
because she could not afford to scrape
from the walls the unsightly, old fash
ioned paper, full of peacocks and peli-
cans and things, and put nice neat
new style in its place. Now her mar
ried daughter is weeping because she
can't afford to put the peacocks ard
pelican back. Life is full of trouble.
A California ostrich farmer went to
Africa to buy some stock, and while
sdmiring some fine bloo1ed specimens
one of them kicked at him, but missed
and hit a horse and broke It's neck. He
says they kick with as much grace as
d woman throws stone.
"Yes, l had very narrow escape
last Sunday" said young Meggle, 8
well-known Arkansas fep, "for my
horse threw me into deep gully, where
lay insensible until Rev. MI. Mocus
chanced to come along and take me
out" "The reverend gentleman iid
not violate the Sabbath eithcr," re-
marked young Blukins. Certainly
not" replied Meggle, "for he wa:
helping brother in distress" "No
not exactly; he was taking an ass ou
of the ditch"