National Republican., 1883-09-25
THE CAPITOL GUIDE.
The Admiration-COmpelling Manner in Which
He Describes the Wonders of the Building.
His Sense OF Ownership In Everything and
His Familiarity with Cost Prices.

"Know anything about the buildingsT
queried hungry looking man addressing the
stranger.
Tho hungry looking man had been standing
on the avenue by the high fence of the botani-
cal gardens, twisting his cane among the dead
leaves on the sidewalk. The stranger noticed
that the hungry looking mans hat was II last
years Derby, his coat much worn at the
seams and shiny, and the cloth which was
once at the bottom of his trousers had
somewhat crept up into the knees of them.
The inventory was taken while the hungry
looking man was waiting anXiousiy Tor ms
answer. When the stranger said NO the
questioner's appearance was transformed.
He Strengthened himself up and stretched
few inches in the process.
"Thcse are our public buildings" said he
majestically waving his canc about him.
Over yerc is our botanical gardens, where wc
have every plant, tree, and sllrnh IN the
known wurrld. This is our peace monument.
This yere is our capitol. Congress is not in
session now, but the building is open.
All this was delivered in an oratoriCal,
grandiloQuent way and without n pause But
the speaker suddenly stopped at this point,
dropped his affected manner and talked like
an ordinary mortal again.
"This is our business you know" he said.
That's what we are employed for. Its our
business You know all about that No
need to explain to you"
''But who employs 2" asks the stranger,
being properly tlattcred by tho compliment to
his intelligence.
"Oh the strangers pay us, of course"
There being now mutual understanding
the paIt ties proceeded to do business. A small
amount Of money passed from the strangers
pocket to the guides and the two started for
n tour OF the building. The stranger got the
worth of his money, not in information, but
in fun. With that guide talking and posing
in his own inimitable manner it was impossi-
BILE to appreciate anything else. The guide
was of absorbing interest. He was what the
variety show people call n Lightning change
artist, but there were only two changes. His
duties seemed to be intermittent Standing
beforca picture he talked like book, but the
instant this explanation ceased his face bore
the expression OF bowl of milk on n calm
day until the next picture or room was
reached.
This yere," said he, ais Columbus dis
covering America. There stands Columbus
holding the world in his right hand, and be-
side him II native maiden shrinking with
fear. That other one is the American pio-
neer. The Indian has meddled with his wife
and children, and he gets there just in time
10 save them and civilize the Indian. Hora-
ito Greenough 'sculptured it, and it cost
$4,000"
At the close of every explanation was the
name of the man who "scupturcd or painted
it and the cost. Most of the explanations ap-
pelred to have been committed to memory
IRON some guide book, but occasionally the
guide was original, and was proud of it.
This yero is the 'Storning of Chapulte-
pec,'" said he. "Here you SEQ the Mexican
woman pladin' for her life of the enragcd
soldier under the century plant. Child
strapped upon her back. Notice the express
sion of agony"
Then the guide looked trine proud and
naughty, and watched for the strangers adj
miration. He came out strongest however,
upon allegorical and NEUROLOGICAL subjects.
"That is the genus of history" said he,
standing before Franzonis clock, recording
things. She's traveln' ovcr the wurrld in n
winged car, and the car wheel makes the face
of the clock. Cost 81, ,000"
This fashion of running in the cost of
everything grew more lndicrous ms it went
on, and an odd thing about il was that the
guide could not tell the cost of anything eX-
cept in its regular course. Some one asked
him while he was in the senate chamber what
tho bronze doors Mt the east front cost. lie
answered with some hesitation that the cost
was $50, 900, but when he came to them in his
regular round, and had explained all the
figures to his own particular stranger, he
closed unhesitatingly with, Weight, 10000
pounds; cost, $4,000"
Ills explanation OF the llRUTeS Is worthy Ol
preserving, but it IS impossible to describe
his queer manner or his misprOnunciatiOn,
and the unheard of accent of his words.
This yere," said he, 's Columbus showing
his plans to the monks and rejected. Hero
he's partin' from the monks near Palos, an
goin' to the Spanish court He's ridin' a
mule. Showin' his plans to Ferdinan'
an Isabella an accepted. Startin' for
America, leavin' his wifo an child in care OF
the monks First landin' in America First
meetin' with the natives. Notice n
soldier has been on shore, and bringin
back native girl encounters the stern indig-
nation of Columbus The return to Spain.
Columbus in chains"
Here the guide executed one of his light
ming changes from n guide book to u man
long enough to explain that the discovereI
used to have chains on his hands, but some
body had broken them of. Returning tc
business, he continued
"On his dyin bed, surrounded by priest:
administerin' the last rites Of the Catholic
church. Priest holds up cIucifix and bid.
him fix upon it his dyin eyes Distinguished
contemporaries in the inches; weight, 10000
pounds cost $4,000"
Tho guide seemed to demand continuous
awe for the whole performance, but on two
occasions he refused to be satisfied without it
what state are you from, sir?" he de
mandcd
'Michigan."
'SellatOr Ferry nseu TO SIT right about there
and Senator Congor right about there" point
ing with his stick. Then he watched anG
waited for the revcrentidl expression whicl
should cover the strangers ti,cc mt the sight
of tho very boards upon which the augus
boots of his distinguished countrymen had
rested Then in the presidents room, where
as he said, "in the hurried hours at the clos,
of the session the president signs bills on thai
very table" the stranger WAS again compelled
TO satisfy the guides imperative demand fol
much awe.
Ono thing which startles tho stranger is Tho
ownership which all tho guides appear t,
have Of all United States property 1t il
"our capitol" "our gardens" ""onr fountain,
'our" everything. This, with his lightning
changes his genius for explaining the inten
tons OF an artist and his frequent blunder
make th6capitol guide an interesting ohcc
well worth few hundred miles journey T.
Washington to see.
Virginia Midland Railway - Change a
Schedule.
On and after Wednesday, Sept 90, tn
Front Royal local leaving Washington at 42
p. IN. will be discontinued also train arrivIu
in Washington at $40 n. m.