Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1883-01-18

fashion: mo, sir, don't want Bible
with $4,000 double, tieeced-lned.. gilt
edge. sing,e and double reversible
pages. bound n pure Turkey morocco
and gold-plated hinges; with engravings
by the old masters, and nickle plated
fly leaf dirt cheap at Sl6--buy one for
your poor relations. etc, etc. etc. You
may be the only able-bodied member
out OF a family Of thirty-seven boys and
girls--vOur parents MAJ be deaf and
dumb. blind and paralyzed--I suppose
they are Bible agents of your appear
ance usually do have parents with some
such complaint. This may be so, but
still l am obliged to say no to your
triflng request although l assure you
it cuts a large slice oil my heart-strings
to be obi ged to do So
The Colonel paused in expectation OF
seeing the supposed Bible vender turn
every color in the rainbow, stammer a
few apologies. and stink OFT as though
he had :allen into somebody's slop-bar-
rel But he didn't. He looked as though
he thought the Colonel was hopelessly
era ", and the rest of the crowd no bet
ter, and as soon as he could recover
breath, replied, in an indignant tone:
''Who do you think | am? l am not
"Oh! you are not a Bible AGENT
blurted out the Colonel, who didn't pro-
pose to see his reputation for human
nature suffer in this style, and to lose
the half dozen bottles of champagne
which he had bet his friends on the re-
suit, Il suppose not, l might have
known that you were introducing To-
roasters patent self-consuming, auto
matte encyclopedia in twenty-eight
volumes. bound in sheep, and illumln-
ated in fifteen colors, with articles by
the leading lights of the galaxy of
science, and a preface by Prof. Jumbo,
+. r. S. N. G. +. o. L. Price 1924.
with liberal discount to bald heads and
brokers' The Colonel paused in
triumph, and smacked his lips as he
thought of the champagne. The visitor
seemed to grow wild as he stammered:
Il didn't come here to be insulted, I
am not a.
"Oh, you are not" broke in the Col
onel. thoro ghly aroused. ''You are
not a book agent, then; perhaps you
will also deny that you have come to ask
me to SUI scribe to fund for the pur-
pose OF civilizing the women of the FIJI
Islands,"
Certainly, sir,'' said the visitor,
with deep indignation. Il am
mot even a solicitor" yelled the
Colonel. as his head swan, and he
clinched his hands for dying effort.
"Then wish to inform YOU that don't
want a nickle-plated, gold jointed. non
combustible lightning rod. which is re-
versible both ways and can be taken
down and used as fshing-rod. l don't
want to subscribe literally for the bene-
tit of the descendants OF the people who
lost their lives in the Deluge. [ have
an enormous supply of perfumed soap
and combination pocket-combs My
piano gives good satisfaction. and you
can't sell me one of your patent noise
less. easy running. child can-manage-it
style. don't desire to have any meas
ure taken for glove fitting shirts with a
mirror in the back. My life is insured
in every Life Insurance Company in the
world, and my house ditto. for four
times its value, so you can't get policy
out of me. l have read jumping Jum-
wv OIs OuucUcIIlCS. duu uOu
wish to subscribe for a copy. Idon't
wish to take twenty thousand dollars
worth of stock in the company which
will undertake to prop the Brooklyn
bridge from beneath W tn poles. take
seventy newspapers and don't wish an
other. Idon't want any lottery tickets.
or tickets to the benefit of Count Blow
hard. the great actor. In fact
The Colonel paused for breath. con
scious that some one of his courteous
guesses had hit its victim where he lived.
The latter appeared deeply insulted,
as he said. in an undertone: ..How dare
you insult me in this fashion! | have
nothing to do with any of the things
YOU MENTION
''Then who the dickens are you?'
gasped out the Colonel, thoroughly nom
plussed.