The Magnolia gazette., 1883-05-10

1
the future. But must speak somehow.
and this is the only way. ! can speak
10 you, tell you everything, and yet
\ spare YOU the pan Of knowing how
miserable your child is until these leaves
may be burned, or until it becomes
necessary to show them to you.
THAT dumb white face with the sad
eyes cold and shameless / thought
them. and yet they made me tremble.
and make me tremble now-that face
will not ~ away. Whether my eyes
are opened or closed it is still there--he
is still there, and all the darkness be-
| hind and about him. | know that !
have committed murder. Which of us
| is lying there cold and lifeless because
! hopeless? II must be myself, fe so
| very cold; and yet there is q fire within
I me.
lis not This insanity? But surely
the insane are not conscious of their
own disease. Surely they are spared
that atlliction. II so, then ! am not
/ lucky enough 10 be insane, for know
all about my malady; know its cause.
and also know that there is no cure for
| it now.
II discovered this way Of relieving
my mind when you first told me looked
\ quite different being. Do you re-
member that dayP 1t was when | re-
\ turned TO you in Dresden, released
/ from Madame Vauvenard's 5 refining
mill. as you called it. There was all
the JOY Of being with you aga'n and of
/ learning that those months OF hard
work had come TO satisfactory end !
did work hard and delighted in it. |
was happier then than | ever had been
be ore, more happy than / have been
/ since, or can ever hope to be again
Y for everything did was made pleasant
by the thought that it brought me
nearer to you, to be with you always,
and to be to you all that ! know my
mother wished to be. For | know well
what she meant to be; | ten it when
you We're telling me about your last
hours with her; | have since realized it
in thought as well as feeling.
"She never intended to stay away
from you. As YOU said to me, She was
dr. ven mad by what she was told, and
I il was her love for you which prompted
her to act rs she did | feel as if her
snirit had entered into me. and that
4 may speak for her Had she cen
spared only for little while she would
have discovered how wrong the i'm ulse
was on VIII ch she acted; shGwould have
\ gone 10 you, and you would have been
I very happy together. feel as il it had
been given to me to take UP her life n
relation to you. and the hope which
gave me strength to do so mucn in such
y short time was that of being ALE to
till her place to some extent, and to
make You glad again.
'See how much calmer | have rot.
Look how wildly | began this writing
and how quietly ! am going on now.
Il seems rs il had passed out of a
sitting room into fresh air Thinking
OF you, too, has taken me ont o. my
NOR id self and soothed me. | think ii
will G possible now to tell Won in a
sensible kind of way all that some dayyou
must know
"On that day when reioined YOU
looked upon myself as different being;
and on that day when you for the first
time brought Maurice Calthorpe into
the library here / became conscious of
the absolute distinction between nv
past and my present lie. Lucy Smith
WAS visible TO me as dear friend from
whom | Twas separated, to whom |
could still speak. This fanciul idea
was fostered BY his recognizing in me
strong resemblance 10 one he had
formerly known, and falling to identify
me.
"Are you startled? are you angry
with meP II is the only secret have
kept from you, and did so partly be-
cause it was difficult to speak to YOU
ABOUT it, partly because was not sure
OF myself or of him. II is true knew
him as Maurice Esmond, and he knew
me as luc, Smith Perhaps it would
have been better had | told you this Mt
once perhaps it would have been bet
ter if he had been told at once that |
had been known as Lucy Smith. But
you had told me that YOU did not wish
to have the past spoken Of; and had
become suspicious OF him. | had been
told that everybody knew that he. as.
sisted by his father. | find it
difliculteven now toput down in writing
what was told about him. But il shall
go down; ii was this-that he was
seeking by rich marriage to save the
estate OF Calthorpe from being sold to
pay their debts.
when first heard this did not he
heve it; but when saw him pretend
ing, as It seemed, not to know me, or if
not pretending, showing that he had
cared so little about me as to be ready
to take me for another person because
OF a mere change Of dress and sur
roundings, felt hurt; then vexed;
then angry and suspicious. The bitter
thought darted through my m nd that
he was trying TO make me regard our
former friendship as of so little account
that 1t might be quite forgotten, in
order that might not think he had for
saken me when was only poor waif,
although he was willing enough to paw
court to me when he knew me as an
heiress. No doubt this unpleasant sus.
picion was aroused by what had heard.
Whatever the cause, the suspicion once
aroused. | soon discovered in his pres
ent, and in my remembrance of his past
conduct, many things which appeared
to give il probability il not confirmation.
| determined to trv him. and 60 aid