Connecticut western news., 1883-08-01
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
 OVER THIS WEEK.
Good Business-The Heavy lnterest-He Was There-The First Victim-NlaRnani- nous Mo ses, Etc., Etc.
MAGNANIMOUS MOSES.

police court for abusing his wlfe-beat- ing her over the head, kicking her out of the house, accompanied by similar other little playful Sccentricities, at the conclusion of which his wife fled to the home of her parents, in another town. Moses was promptly fine $1o and costs, which he paid.
 "An' now, your HonSr," he said, pleadingly, would you in'NWritin' a let ter to my wife ?'
 "What shall I say for you i1N a letter to your wife?" inquired the judga
 "You might say, sir, that if she will come back to he all will be forgiAen."- 1eras Sfttimgs. \
 ABOUT THE ENGINE HOUSE.
 The man who sits around at fire-en- zine house is very little concernedin the great business whirl in which mankind is turning. He has found his place of pleasure and he intends to stay there. All he wants is dark pair of trowsers and blue shirt acd chair with the hind legs a. trife short. He does not belong to the fire department, but early in the morning he leaves home hurriedly and rl1shes along the street as though most important piece of business needed his immediate attention. When he reaches the engine house he takes his chair, selects comfortable place and is established until the sun makes him T o1> Ao1, nd Itc at flies and the engine house dog. He likes to talk about fires. and knows which en- zine threw the first water. When fire alarm is sounded he bounces up, hustles around and yells "hi hi yar'' when the engine leaves. Sometimes he rides to the fire and proudly stands near the en- zine while the work is going on. When he comes back he says ''she did good work, femme tell you," and then throws water on the engine wheels with 8 hose. TraveIer. WHAT TO GIVE HIM. It is said that the postmaster of New York keeps file of all the foolish letters he receives. If the newspapers through out the country were to act in like man. her. special store:room would be neces- l sary. It seems that when the foolishly inclined man has nothing else to do, he writes silly letter to an editor. The other day the editor of this paper re- ceived the following from Tennessee postmaster: '"There's sick man in this town who claims to be from Arkansaw. What shall we do with him as he is without means ?" There was but one natural reply: "Give him medicine P | THE SAME OLD DODGE. Clerk-"Mr. Sellem, here is 8 gentle men who came in to buy watch. What shall charge him for this one which he has chosen?"
 MT. Sellem-"Let me see. We'll, let him have it for $50."
 Clerk-"But he was recommended here by our friend, MT. Amicus, who told him we would put it way down fol him."
 MT. Sellem-"Ah! That alters the case. Tell him our regular price is $10( but seeing he is a friend of MT. Amicus'f we shall let him have it for $75. But tel him to be careful and let nobody Know what he paid for it. We positively cannot afford to sell them at that figure. Only do it as an accommodation to MT. Ami GUS, you know"
 Gentleman pays the $75 and goes of happy in the belief that he has made { big bargain. He esteems MT. Amicul more dearly than ever.
 So does that shopkeeper. - Bosto, 7Tamscr9ot.
 THE ADVANTAGE.
 "You have the advantage of me" sait the cashier, blandly. "You will have t, get some one to identify you."
 Identify me? Why, am your son just back from college for the summe vacation"
 ''May be, may be-" answered tn cashier, "but my son did not look like
 fool, wear cockney hat, monkey tai coat, skin-tight brooches, tooth-p -picl : shoes, nor did he suck cane handles When my wife returns from Europe, il September you might present you claims to her, and if she decides tha you are our offspring shall be happy t bid you an affectionate good-by on you return to college. In the meantime would suggest that you earn your Twin
 hiring yourself out for tailor sigr l Good-day, sir. Philadelphia NeaOS. CREME DE LA CREME. "Dear me k, exclaimed 8 city girl wh l visited the dairy, for the first time, "whs queer-looking stuff this is! It look
 just like yellow paint. What is t?" , "Why, that's cream on top of th , milk, sis" said the dairyman.
 "Is that SOP" she asked in astonisl 7 ment. "Why, the cream I use alwa, comes in boxes and has 2 label, so W |, can tell what it is."f
 s The farmer sat right down on tl l stone floor and famed himself with 5 milk pan.- IhesDaiyy.
 THE FIRST VICTIM. t Didn't you say you never knew thu Q dog to bite?" cried the lightning rc agent as he climbed up a maple tree al f left large section of the west end of h @ pantaloons in the dogs mouth. @ "Yes, did" said the farmer, "and 1t told the truth. You are the first man + ever saw that dog bite. You see, Q bought him conditionally. The man o oot him of guaranteed him. If he