The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-11-22
WIT AND HUMOR.


lies, but how can man catch fish prop
erly without liner
1t has been rumored that large
amount of fresh jokes were found,
canned up in the hold of Noah's Ark.
Matches are now SO cheap that the
man who borrows your pipe and to-
bacco would scorn to ask you for
match also.
The difference between a besotted
man and a pig is slight one at best.
Ones hunting grog and the others q
grunting hog. Pittsburg Telegraph.
Mr.. Fitzgerald, of New York, has
won the championship by skinning ten
lambs in thirty-three minutes, and
thinks of challenging Jay Gould.
They say that figures won't lie, but
one is inclined to doubt the old saw
when he looks upon the figure of fash
ionably-dressed woman.
A Philadelphia tailor advertises elm
ported English Clothing" And the
pity of it is, he is not obliged to import
English dudes to wear it.
When poet prepares long-winded
poem, docs he measure it by the gas
meterp That would be good way to
get in the words that burn. THE
JtSdge.
There are sea captains who profess
to believe that sharks will not touch q
human being, but when asked to give a
poor shark chance they retire ON
their dignity.-Detroit Free Press.
The baggage-agents of the United
States have just held their annual con-
vention, but the report that they all
went on a big trunk-a regular Sara!
toga, as it were-should be checked.
"All things come to him who waits"
sadly remarked a tramp as he lodged a
brickbat and shuffied over the fence
Just in time to escape the eager jaws of
a blear-eyed bulldog.
The hotel-waiter's costume. still re-
mains the standard for an American
mans full dress. To prevent mistakes
at parties, however, the waiter is di-
rected to carry towel on his arm in
stead of young lady.
..Do you ever gambler" she asked, as
they sat together, her hand held in his.
He replied, "No; but if l wanted to
now would be my time" ''How SOP"
because hold beautiful hand" The
engagement is announced.
A Maryland man has secured di-
vorce from his wife because she wouldn't
let him read the Bible. At the same
time, it can hardly be defended as a
divorce on "Scriptural grounds. -
Hartford Post.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "All
healthy things are sweet-tempered. ="
We differ with Ralph. Now, we know
perfectly healthy red-headed woman
who is-well, she just is, and no mis-
take about it.-Teras Sytings.
The window in dentists Office came
down and caught cat by the tail while
he was out, and fourteen people who
would have waited for his return, on
going upstairs and hearing the cats
voice decided to go home and stand the
pain of the toothache.
"When 1 married Georgiana," said
Frank, ''my folks told me l was foolish
to marry girl who didn't know how to
handle rolling-pin. Lord, how they
misjudged her! Do you see that lump
on my headp She did that with roll
ing-pin. ."-BoSton Post.
s.Does your mind never dwell upon
the awful certainty of deathp' asked
not very numerously," responded he;
''it's the awful uncertainty of how to
get living that troubles me. boston
Times.
Caleb Stockwell, of London, Ont,
was exceedingly surprised the other
morning, when Mrs. Stockwen pre-
sented him with two sons and two
daughters, all new. Subsequently,
when asked what he'd got, he sorrow
fully SAID: ..Only two small pair"
A Southerner has invented machine
that rolls out several thousand cigar.
cites per minute. There is only one
improvement we can suggest, and thai
is a mechanical attachment that viii
smoke the cigarettes as fast as they are
rolled out. Such a cohtrivance would
preserve the health of ''our boys" p
NorristoDn Herald.
The most anonymous writer known
to the press is the one who signs him.
self "More Anon" 1t has been dis.
covered that ''Many Voters is poor
little tailor who has never been natur-
allied. Truth" is generally liar.
The writings of History are full OF
romance. Justice" wants to crush
everybody who does not think as he
does.-NeO0 Orleans Picayu,ae.
The rural druggist is now bowling
and dancing around his shop in an &c
stacy of despair, because he has such q
lot of fy-paper left on his hands to
carry over. But he hopes to make up
on the arnica he will sell to members OF
the local lacrosse club. In the lingo OF
the bardlet, there is no lacrosse club
however watched and tended, but some
barked shrub is there.
Hans, why don't you get married.
You are too particular. just go out
shut your eyes, and put your hands or
the first girl you meet, and marry her. ,
"Mein Gott, vot you dakes me for? l
] shoots mine eyes dot way, l voulC
shoost as like as not fall ofer some tan
ash-parril in de shtreet, und den some
pody would CRY ovid / vas dhrunk-
veil, / don't want to marry some bolice
mans mine frent. The Judge.
A Brooklyn maiden lady, whose an
tipathy to the sterner sex has never &C
knowledged the soothing influence o
the hand of time, aroused the curiosity
of her fellow boarders at q farm-hous,
last summer by uniformly declining t
cat chicken. One of them ventured Il
ask an explanation of the singular fact
md received the following answer
because 1 understand that the farmel
who supplies our table keeps his hem
for the sake of the eggs, and kills only
the roosters. "-BrOoktyn Eagle.
"Hero ARE, now; two packages fol
10 cents" yelled n seedy-looking en-
velope peddler in Grand Street. "Here
y'are, this way; two packages for five
cents!" howled another envelope ped
dler, almost crowding his fellow-mer
chant off the sidewalk. Women ou
shopping noted the difference in prices
and soon bought out the two-for-five
cent man. Then both peddlers drifteC
around the corner, and the one whC
had sold no envelopes divided his stool
with the other, remarking, with
chuckle: ''It works boss, pard, dom
it?"-M y Sun.
A witness in ''moonshine" case
tried in Louisville on Tuesday last, tolt
how the whisky trade is carried OF
down on Green river: II wanted few