davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
CHROMO II.
HOW A WOMAN HANDLED A DONKEY.

HOW WOMAN HANDLED A DONKEY.
She was driving a pair to a light
spring wagon and held inc lines like
Jehu. Near the park the off mule
became sullen, stopped, and made a
case obstructed navigation no con-
gressional appropriation could re-
lieve. She coaxed and commanded.
but he planted his fore feet firmly
and settled back on his pedigree of
obstinacy. She turned pale, drew up
the lines, then pasted her whip over
him. He moved a little-just enough
to balance on his front legs-then
his backbone corrugated, his frame
quivered with cyclone energy, and
his hind legs disappeared, the front
end OF the spring wagon shot up,
caved in, and a woman and a dash
board and pieces of an iron axletree
went soaring to the zenith. As she
came down head forward he braced
himself 1.-The fire glowed in his eyes,
every nerve quivered Just as the
dishevelled hair touched him he
clasped her madly to his bosom.
glued his lips to hers and settled
down to private life. All, it was para
disc on a half-shell. The stars OF
heaven dropped their silver beads
into the dew, and the moonbeams
fiirted in her diamond necklace and
FURNISHED her three hours toilet till
it glistend like silver mounted har-
ness. Then rearing up on his hind
feet and folding his lips parted and
his white teeth cleaned as he
stretched his neck to reach her
A heroic policeman, who had come
to the park to sleep, raped
him over the head with billy and
rescued the unfortunate lady. Elk
animation showed that her tongue
was split, back fractured, sides
crushed in, arms broke, stays shiv
cred, two felloes lost, running geal
demoralized, in short, the wors
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
HANNIBAL HAMLIN'S NEW STORY OF
DANIEL WEBSTER,

"What public man, Mr.. Hamlin
was the ablest that you ever found p
'Daniel Webster lowered heaC
and shoulders above any of them
He was one of those few men who
became greater as you approached
him. That can be said of few mer
in this world. The nearer you came
to Webster the more you saw and
acknowledged his greatness. 1 can
remember little speech he made
which has never been referred to in
print, and as both the parties to it are
now dead do not object to telling
you about it. You remember James
nj. Mason of Virginia, what a patron
izing, supercilious man he was. He
had no love for Webster, and on one
occasion he rose in his place with a
little pamphlet which ascribed to Mr..
Webster certain language, and on
that Mason proceeded to make q
speech. Webster was drunk. He
listened as well as he could to what
Mason was saying, and then he got
up so unsteady at first that he held
to his desk with both hands, but as
he proceeded and became more lumi-
nous and clear he raised first one
hand and after while he raised both
hands, and he made such speech as
1 think never heard to peel an op-
ponent all to pieces. He called for
the pamphlet after a while, and
Mason sent it over to him. He held
it up with look of contempt on his
great rugged countenance, and turned
it over and said: NO title page, an
onymous. No author, the poor thing
is fatherless. This you call a docu-
ment.' Mason watched him with ap-
prehension. Then Webster addressed
himself to the language ascribed
TO him in the pamphlet, and it had
seemed to all of us Senators who
heard Mason that the language was
capable of the Interpretation he had
given it. Indeed, there seemed no
other Interpretation. But Webster,
with that logical, legal mind he had,
in a very few minutes convinced
everybody present, Mason included,
that the language not only did not
mean what Mason read, but that it
meant the very opposite. AS soon as
he brought this out Mason wanted to
apologize, but Webster, towering up,
told him to take his seat. We saw by
Mason's face that he felt he had got
himself into a place that would do
him no credit. Then Webster con-
tinued, and the excoriation was some
thing indescribable, yet all the while
severely contemptuous; just in the
manner to cut Mason to pieces and
make him feel it, for you know he
was nothing if not a lord over some
body.
AT the end of the speech one of
the Senators said to Webster; You
have used HIM all up; let it not be
printed in thelpnblic debates Very
WE'LL said Mr.. Webster, let the dog
60 - Cincinnati Enquirer.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
AMERICAN FABLES.

A Lion who had long reigned with
supreme power over the Forest, one
day called a convention of all the
beasts and announced his intention
of abdicating.
II am growing old and feeble, and
1 must soon pass away" he argued.
GAIL things considered it is better
that my successor be nominated and
installed while 1 am living to give
him the benefits Of my experience
and advice"
There was general Joy among the
Beasts, for the Lion had lorded it
after his own fashion. The Ele-
phant was squirting around, the
Rhinosceros was pushing his nose
into the crowd, and the Giraffe was
doing heap of thinking way down
his throat when the Lion continued:
"After serious reflection and sol
emn consideration 1 have decided
that my own son shall succeed me.
The office will not only be kept in
the family, but the family will be kept
in office. There being no further
business before the meeting we will
adjourn"
But why the need of this conven-
tion?" protested the Rhinosceros.
"Well, there wasn't any particular
need of it," replied the Lion, "but it
is customary to call one in order to
collect the expenses of nomination.
Brother Giraffe, pass the hatr'
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

Just at present, while humor is
having such run in this country,
every little country paper has its
(alleged) humorist on its staff. The
crop of humor this spring is larger
than usual, but prices remain firm
for first-class brands from the fact
that the market is glutted with low
grades that have only nominal
value. Brick Pomeroy says, and very
truly, too: 1T is easier for a camel
to run needle in it's eye than for a
man to write humorous articles for a
newspaper and keep it up for any
length OF time. Almost any dude
can revamp a paragraph of wit, re-
write an article that has bubbled out
of some man of brains and then show
his weakness by running about an
office or circle of acquaintance read
ing what he would have them believe
to be original with him, when it is
only stolen and weakened by alter.
alton. The man of humor cannot be
bad man. He may not be success
full as a business man or he may be,
but he works harder, thinks more,
studies more, observes more and is
ever more on the alert than people
think for. The humorous writer who
can interest people and give them
something to think of and to laugh
over is more of a benefactor to the
human race than are a thousand OF
these old style sermonizers who
preach total depravity and at funerals
console the mOurners by a solemn,
pulpit-projected statement that it is
short distance to hell, and that the
gates are wide open. There are but
few really humorous writer's, or writ
ers of genuine humor in this country
There are many singers of slush and
boilers Of blackguardism, but few
who are men of real clean wit, and il
is good to know that they are becom-
ing more and more appreciated."-
Evansville Argus.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
wrecked spring wagon ever kicked by
q balky mule.
CHRONIC III.

"Is yo de lawyahW
81 am, sir. What do you want?"
"Has 20 got the machinery SOS yo
kin run it?"
"What do you mean, sir"
"Wy, did yo help 'lect de persidin'
jedge?"
ayes, sir"
"Sist at runin' in do sheriff.
81 did"
"Yo stan's in wild dc clarke"
1--WE are quite intimate"
"Yo knows de way to reach de per-
secutin' Attorney"
I'VE are very familiar"
"You knows how ter talk wild dc
gran Juror widout 'fringin' on de
oath not to tell nuflin?"
"Never mind. Tell your business"
"Jess one moh. Does yo' know
how ter hang jury widout stretchin'
any hemp?'
II have hung lots of them, sir"
"Does yo' ebber take cases on de
sheers?
Sometimes"
"Yo's my pardnah. Boss, 1 knows
whar / kin steal $3.50, an eff you'll
gree ter clah me foh half, we makes
"a firm"
Get out. Thirty seven dollars
and fifty cents wont pay expenses"
"Wont fifty cents hang de jury?"
"No, sir; the palladium of our lib
erty is panoplied with the sancity of
ancestral integrity"
"Wot ribber does dat empty into?'
Sect out; I'm busy"
"All right, boss. Ef hit costs like
dat ter hang de jury, dis chile's
gwine to larn de ropes. Hit beats
steaiin'. Wen yo sees desc rows OBJ
ibory ornamentin' de front oh de
palladium, yo jest figger dat yo an
cestral 'tegrity hab changed cullah
an de prices am reduced"
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

A newspaper published at Vienna,
in an article dissuading people from
immigrating to the United States,
says: "If man obtains work with a
farmer, the latter keeps back his
wages, and when twenty dollars have
thus fallen due, the farmer kills the
poor man in order to keep the money
This is done in Nevada and Califor
MIA" OF course the intelligent Ger
man who reads this in his native land
will readily understand that while
the law would have compelled the
farmer to pay his laborer, had he
lived, it cannot punish him for com
mitting the murder, because that is
not recognized in this blood thirsty
land. That Vienese journalist is an
ornament to his profession.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
THE MODERN DINNER.

LII recent lecture on "LuXury,'
Professor Blake pronounced the
modern dinner a magnificent spead
of animalism and an admirable call
of self denial. He declared himself
no acetic but advised his audience to
say "no' to every second dish. 1t is
our calmly settled conviction that the
professor is wrong, for what is poor
hungry fellow to do, if he goes out to
a very swell affair, filled with etiquette
and space? He certainly would not
be expected to load his plate to the
ceiling the first heat simply because
it would be a breach of etiquette to
say mo" to second hearing; but
either have to coal up ON the first
load or go hungry, for no swell man
can settle down to a plate of soup
and hoodwink his appetite into the
belief that it has dined sumptously.
The stomach is no dupe and the man
vino thinks he can play it for sim
pie minded thing gets left over the
river where the ferry be at has stopped
running for the night. If Professor
Blackie keeps boarding house and
is advancing this style in diet to keep
from being eaten out of house and
home, and from being put down in
the mine hole, it is all right and we
give him credit for his superior gen
ius, but, if he is merely doing this on
theory we say quarantine against
him. How would it look for q young
man of matrimonial aspirations to
call upon his loved one and take
broth and pile chicken and roast beef
and potatoes and cabbage and celery
and other dainties upon the first
plate that is served him simply be-
cause it would not be "Sque gee" to
call for more cards, to the code of
fashion. About the first dive the
young man made for a potato in such
a platter would make the surround
ing walls look as though they had
been done in fast water -colors re-
touched with oil. The family prob
ably would not like this style Of i'm
promptu bath, and the chances are
that they would not pine for the early
return of this young man and es
pecially at meal time. The young
lady would of course feel like a
bound boy at a shucking match as
she is desirous that both the family
and guests be favorably impressed
each with the other: Poor thing, she
must leave the table to get towel
while her bosom is frightened with
remorse, vegetables and bouquets
Professor Blackie's words sound
good, but they are apt to get per
son in serious trouble. If he had
limited the round of dishes to six or
seven we would have endorsed his
platform and voted to elect him presi-
dent, but as it is we are for the
amendment We hope the professor
will reconsider his bill and draw it
with little more pie and cake in it
and less aesthetic and symphonic
renaissance. The modern dinner is
one of the grandest achievements of
the 49th congress, and it should not
be abbreviated to plate of soup,
simply because dyspeptic like
Blackie is not hungry himself and
thinks that no one else should chew
the plum-pudding string. As for us
we will not go by Blackie's frugal
representations. Our platform is,
one wife, one flag, three square meals
a day and an occasional pretzel to
join them together Check.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
SUMMER TOURISTS DICTIONARY.

| Ant. A lively insect, found only
in the country where it exists in q
state of excited uncertainty, whether
its home is in the sugar-bowl, the old
stump or the pantaloons of the gen
tleman from town. Not down on
the bill of fare, because it is a matter
of course, like the salt.
ASS. The man who believes all
he reads in the advertisement.
Cream. A pale blue fluid, com
posed of aqua pura, protoxide of hy
drogen and some other substances.
Used to astonish berries and frighten
rebellious coffee.
Croquet. Three wooden halls, a
mallet with hickory handle, and
from ten to three wire wickets, ac,
cording to the age of the set. Usual
ly three.
Chicken. A feathersd fowl, that
runs wild about the barn-yard and
under the house;i remarkable for
rapid longevity, sometimes attaining
the age Of IL years in single spring.
Not available for human food until
after the seventh year.
Dairy. A place on the next farm,
for storing real butter, cream, milk
and cheese. Obsolete See pump.
Bath Room. A wood-shed with a
pail of we'll water and a cedar wash
tub in it. The spiders are not men,
toned in the advertisement, because
they 60 with the wood-shed.
Eggs. A spherodial body contain
ing the germ of new individual of
its species, in a stage of greater or
lesser development, as the case may
be and somtimes is.
Hammock. Ingenious invention
for teaching people to stand on their
heads. 1t is made of numerous
lozenge-shaped holes with twine
around them.
Flea. Pulex irritans. See-but
that's the trouble; you can't see it.
Key. A hasp and staple, by means
whereof you can fasten your door on
the outside and then climb in through
the window.
Meadow. A place out of which
you are ordered every time you ven
ture into it. Before the long grass
is cut the farmer orders you out.
After the moving is done the Dur
ham bull talks bass every time you
look over the fence and you don't
want to go in.
Pie. A layer of dried apples held
together by plaitings Of dough. It
is laid away where the ants can get
at it and labeled to suit the taste of
the consumer.
Pillow. A long--not too long
narrow sack, or case, containing a
handful of feathers at each end and
nothing in the middle. Said by peo-
pie who never tried it to be an excel
lent thing to rest the head upon while
sleeping.
Terms. See landlord.
Worm. An animal of the inferior
grand division OF articulates that will
browse gradually on the leaves of the
maple trees until he sees a gooo
chance to drop down your back.
X. The price of livery team for
one day.
Yarb. Any green thing which can
be dried and made into a most hor-
rible, nauseous and bitter tea. Be
lieved to possess wonderful medici-
nal virtues. Makes man want to
die or get we'll in five mintes. and he
won't care very much which, Rob
ert j. Burdette, in Phil. Times.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

"It was just too delightful" ex-
claimed the happy girl, as she came
bounding into her mothers presence
with glowing cheeks and sparkling
eyes. II never enjoyed sleigh ride
so much before in all my life." "But
the air was 80 keen, Eliza, 1 hope you
kept your muff to your face" Moth
er," returned Eliza, turning upon her
venerable parent a pair of eyes that
were incapable of assembling. II
will not deceive you! Charley's
mustache was warmer than the muff."
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

In order to determine the amount
of sulphur in Illuminating gas The
odore Pollock recommends aspirating
the products of combustion from an
ordinary Bunsen burner through an
inverted tunnel leading to dilute
solution of caustic potash to which
bromine has been added. The ra-
tionale of this is that the sulphur
dioxide is oxidized and may then be
determined as sulphate of barium.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

Here is recent specimen of amen
tiles in the. Greek Legislator: M.
Dimitracakis- You lie! Tumult.
nj. Mandalos--I repeat it. M. Dimi-
tracakis-Then you are liar! M.
Mandalos-And you're another! For
this speech M. Mandates gets his ears
boxed, while several Deputies attack
him with sticks, upon which the sit
ting is supended amid cries and vo-
alterations.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

A plain-spoken woman recently
visited a married acquaintance, and
said to her, "How do you contrive to
amuse yourselfY" "Amuse~ said the
other, starting, "do you not know
that I have my housework to dor
eyes" was the answer, II see you
have it to do; but it's never done. l
conclude you must have some other
way Of spending your time"
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

They were walking along by the
green meadow which was gemmed
with the golden crested dandelion.
Don't you love the dandelion~ he
asked, in tones of poetic fervor. Il
don't know" she replied; we don't
have 'em in orr family. When we
have corned beef we mostly have
spinach and cabbage"
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

That handsome but very eccentric
woman, says the London Truth,
Princess Pignatelli, is about to be-
come public singer, to the great
disgust of her relations, whom she
delights in tormenting. She is the
sister OF the beautiful Countess
Potocka of Vienna, with whom she is
at daggers drawn.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

A shabbily- dressed man played a
joke on the Presbyterian Home Mis-
sion Board in Chicago. He dropped
into the Office, laid a sealed envelope
ON the Treasurer's desk. and hastily
made his exit. When the envelope
was opened it was found to contain
$1,000 in United States bonds, to be
devoted to the society.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

An Irish girl at play on Sunday,
being thus accosted by the priest,
Woodworking, daughter of the evil
one," meekly replied, Woodworking,
father"
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25
PROFESSIONAL CARDS.

DERSONS IN NEED OF LEGAL BLANhsi
euch as Chattel Mortgages, Quit Claims. and
Guaranty Deeds. etc., would do well to make ap-
pl;cation at this office. where they can be op-
Einsd at reasonable prices. Blanks printed 10
or,lar on short notice.
Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-08-25

7 ENG.
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The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1883-11-25
SALT LAKE, DAILY HERALD, SUNDAY NOVEMBER r. 1855

tween Berlin and Hanover a train
IS run which makes 1928 miles in
3 hours and 48 minutes, making an
average Of over 81 miles an hour.
Canada is ahead of the United
States for fast travel, a train from
Coteau to Ottawa shaking IS 4-1O
miles in 1 hour and "a minutes. or
SO miles an hour, including stops.
In this country the fastest train is
run on the Pennsylvania railroad,
between jersey City and Philadel-
phla, distance of 80 miles, which
It makes in hour and 80 minutes,
or 4S $40 miles per hour, including
one stop.
The great under ground railway of
London, which is fast approaching
completion. is estimated to cost fifteen
millions of dollars per mile. Its
length when completed will be twenty
miles, and will connect the Metropol-
itau and district lines eastward, and
bring west and east London into the
straightest. shortest municatior.
In exosvating for the railway. the
contractors unearthea many Roman
remains. recalling the fact that for
nearly tour centuries, London was
governed by the Romans, and that
Cannon and Waiting streets were
among their cheit highways.
The salary OF Commissioner Ris
tine, of the Trans coutinental Pool
Association, is understood to bs SIS,
COO guaranteed for one year, which
is nearly equal to the pay of two
members of the Presidents cabinet.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1883-11-25
Physiology.
SALT LAKE CITY, Nov. "a. 1888.

SALT LAKE CITY, Nov. "a, 1888.
Editors Herald:
I was one who heard the lecture en-
Physiology by DR.. M. B. shipp, in
the 18th Ward Assembly rooms on
Wednesday evening, 10 the course of
which he made some very instruc-
tive remarks. This subject is one of
vast Importance, AID when presented
ably and in q careful and prudent
manner to young men by compe-
tent man, and to young women by q
competent woman, there can be no
doubt Of much good resulting, as
great ignorance prevails on tie sub.
iect, among both youpg and old
CITIZEN
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1883-11-25
Hit Hard.

SALT LAKE CITY, Nov. "a, 1888.
Editors Herald:
l. is fairly presunable that the re.
cent local cases Of disgusting violence
offered 10 little girls are the natural
outcome of the lewd policy put for
ward by the filthy Tribune some time
ago. as basis for measures in oppo-
sition to Mormonism and the Nor
mons. Punishment could scarcely
be too severe for such unnatural
crimes. A FATHER.