The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1883-08-30
Mr.. Jones Makes His Debut as Hamlet.

Poor JoneSi lie has fallen among the
Philistines! Only last week he was the
happiest fellow in the world. Now he
lies al day as glun and silent as if he
had the muInps.
It happened this way: Jones belongs
to I'M ocution-dramatic-t rag-
ic-serio-comic theatrical party, who
practiced caIisthenics of the voice in
order to improve themselves and kill
their neighbors, and it was the proudest
and happiest moment of his life when
the head center of the movement told
him there was to be public perform
ance for Zone night only with the
Grand Army of the Republic in attend
ance and benefciaries, and he was to be
Hamlet.
He went home and told his wife; said
he: MARIA, what you think? I'm to be
Hamlet next month at the Detroit Opera
House; I'll show them how to play
Hamlet! No one has yet given it as it
should be given; now listen:
- "A leetle more than kin and less
than kee-indr' That's what Hamlet
"Your legs are too thin,' said Mrs.
Jones, eying him critically; land you
know, Jeptha, they amt perfectly
straight. :"
''Tm talking now about the character
of Hamlet my rendition"
II don't care" said Mrs. Jones,
''you will have to make up to look like
him. And, Jeptha, youth have to
shave. "
Good heavens!" said Jones, II never
thought of that"
Ii there was anything Jones prided
himself upon it was red and black
mustache with about four hairs, which
were parted carefully in the middle; he
kncw what it had cost-years of anxiety
and jars of pomade--to coax it into
being at all, and now it must all go at
one swoop; however, go it did, and
strange to say no one missed it.
There was music in the Jones family
for the next month. Even Bridget was
imbued with an air of tragic Importance
and went round saying: Toby or not
Toby, that's tn squeShtion, and on
one occasion when the directory man
called she told him "a jintleman by the
name of Hamfat lived there and as
to the children they just made Rome or
Denmark howl out in the Woodshed.
seeing her husband arrayed in drawers
and table-cloth rehearsing his part; she
thought he was quite too fond of talk
| ing about Ophelia 81 don't see Whist
you want to go gallivanting around with
a lot of old Danes for she said, cross
| ly. '.Wher'd' you fall in with them.
anyway I never saw any outside Of an
intelligence office.
why it's Kate Van Dusen," said
Jones, Il thought you liked her; she on
ly assumes character
| s.She assumes a good deal, think,
incoming round with you all the time,
calling you Ham, in that familiar
way. | don't think much of her any
way"
stDon't be silly, Maria said Jones,
with an air of being bored; "the girl is
nothing but piece of mechanism in the
play
Why don't you take the dumb
waiter, thenPn asked Mrs. J., spitefully
At last the night came. Mr.. Jones,
arrayed in a purple frock, with trunk
hose and other aecoutrements, made his
appearance before a Detroit audience
and was received with shrieks of laugh
ter. He had forgotten his wig and was
as bald as Mr.. Jones is at home. Ht
also fell over his sword and was dragged
off at the wings by convulsed supe
However, he came back and did very
well, except wrinkling his nose ut /
friend in the audience and shrieking his
lines instead of speaking them, until ht
came to the close of his soliloquy, which
be gave thus:
..Soft, you meow, Marian
"Opheliar' yelled the agonized d
sector. in stage whisper.
''Maria-Ophelia," screamed Jones
"Ophelia, you fool!' roared the d
rector.
'sMaria -Ophelia, you fool" contir
ued the now distracted Jones, and til
curtain was rung down, and the aud
ence clamored for Hamlet. The ap
ptause was so grateful that he needed n
urging to GO on, but tripped before tn
curtain, bowed to the orchestra, fe
over the foot-lights, was jammed in til
} scenery, but succeeded in carrying off
bouquet as big as hay-stack, Whic
Maria had ingeniously constructed OF
of an old artificial hanging basket. Th
rest of the play was of a piece, and th
audience laughed itself sick. Whe
Hamlet fell down he kicked like
Texan mule. Jones said he would Civ
them new rendition of Hamlet. an
. he did; but when he read the mornin
papers and saw what the critics ha
written he fell back on his pillow an
!, said:
maria! dead for donkey dead.
He hasn't been up since; the doett
i says its nothing but the measles that
ought to have had forty-fve years ag,
Jones differs; he says its blasted If
9 mission, but Maria was heard to say
was blasted cold he took in the wing
: and that it had settled in his bones.
r Detroit Post and Tribune
The Food OF Serpents, and How Thu