The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1883-09-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

terlelC OO-C0ut ploco uhoh6 hAo oh"h6S'
IT am tired" said the wheel. "Poor
felloe' exclaimed the axle. "Don't
make such G hub-bub," cried the vehi.
Gle, wagon his tongue.
A New York engraver recently made
this mistake: "Mr. and Mrs. - re-
spectfully request your presents at the
marriage of their daughter"
Whenever You see man coming out
Of a country drug store wiring his mouth
with the back of his hand you may know
that the town Is suffering under q COM
bined attack of malaria and license law.
MY nephew is not content with
gig" says Mrs. Ramsbotham, "but he
gets two horses, puts one before the
other, and drives about the country in
tantrum."
care you feeling very ill?" asked the
physician; "let me see your tongue,
please" It's no use, DOCTOR" replied the
patient; mo tongue can tell how bad l
feel"
"In what condition was the patriarch
Job at the end OF his life?" asked Sun
day-school teacher of quiet-looking
boy at the foot of the class. Dead"
calmly replied the boy.
An old lady from one of the rural dis
tricts astonished clerk in one of the
stores few days ago by inquiring if he
had any "yaller developments SIGH as
they did up letters in"
what place, sir, if you please2" said
Count Muttonhead to small boy on
Fifth avenue, pointing to Delmonico's.
"Oh, that" said the boy, "that's feed
store."-N. Y. Tribune.
If the city of New York is unable to
raise sufficient money to have the Bar
tholdi statue put in place, we might sell
it at public auction and divide the pro.
ceeds among some of our First citizens"
Life.
Two Irishmen travelling on the Balti-
more and Ohio railroad came to q mile
post, when one Of them said: Tread
aisy, Pat; here lies q man who was 10S
years old. His name was Miles, from
Baltimore"
Some observant genius has calculated
that in the United States there is one
COW to every four people. Is is believed
that the same ratio exists in fashionable
society, there being a calf to every four
young men.
A young politician explained the tat
tered condition of his trousers to. his
father by stating that he was sitting
under an apple tree enjoying himself,
when the farmers dog came along and
contested his seat.
A New York paper. describing boat
race, alludes to ''the flashing of ten thou
sand eyes and the plaudits OF twice as
many fair hands" Well, il that wasn't
remarkable company Of one-eyed
women!--Home Journal.
It was an Irishmau who remarked Of
miser who had died and was treated to
rather pretentious burial, "Faish, and
if he'd lived to see how moighty axpin-
size q thing it was to dole himself, he'd
never been born"
When the teacher asked what was the
feminine of tailor, small boy on front
seat in public school in Brocton
promptly exclaimed: "Dressmaker."
and Was greatly delighted that he was
able to get in the answer first.
A young man in train was making
fun OF lady's hat to an elderly gentle.
man ip the seat with him. yes" said
his seat mate, that's my wife, and told.
her if she wore that bonnet that some
fool would make fun of it,"
"Do you pretend to have as good judg-
ment a. have?" exclaimed an enraged
wife to her husband. "Well. no." he
piled, slowly; "our choice of partners
for life shows that my judgment 10 not 70
be compared with yours"
A stone.cutter received the following
epitaph from German. to be cut on the
tombstone of his wife. "Mins wife
Susan is dead. II che had lived till next
Friday, she'd been dead shust two weeks.
As tree fall so mus it stand"
A French lady on her arrival in this
country, was careful 10 eat only such
dishes % she was acquainted with; and.
being pressed 10 partake OF dish new
TO her. she replied, mo. I thank you; I
eat only my acquaintAncss."
Henry" writes us, asking how he oan
break his mother from calling him. You
Hen ner-ryw he says that be has mo-
ticed that whenever she calls him in
that way she always gives him . licking
and sends him to bed without his sup
per.
The Orator Answered.-"What 10 the
key to this great mystery Of deathf"
solemnly inquired the orator, pausing
impressively. And the man in the front
seat, who had been, coughing oil the
evening ,huskily,replied that he reckoned
it must be skeleton key.-Burlington
Hawk-Eye.
4: Z. .ou 1900 4.