Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-06-28

fail1re % break. R
The new maid. VISITOR. as Miss
Primrose visiblei'' Bridget (now Ma
rie, who has been, thoroughly drilled
wfth respect tovisitors) '.WcH, that
depends. Ye've got to put yer name in
the platter. Thin III see."lIiA g -
--fti is estimated that theyaientines sent
% the feminine sex this year cost over
sl00, 900; while those sent TO the mascu-
lines didn't cost over eleven dollars and
a half. A great many comic valentines
can be bought for eleven dollars and
half. s4s-
There is nothing like settling
down." said the retired merchant con-
fiientially to his neighbor. "When !
gave up business / settled down, and
found | had quite q comfortable for
tune. If l had settled up should not
have had cent"
Fifteen years ago the brothers Swan
went into the cattle business with less
than $4,000. and are now the wealthiest
dealers in Wyoming territory. These
Swans have nicely feathered their nests,
and, no doubt, wear costly "cygnet"
rings.
One Oliver SWEET, of Boston, offers to
wager $500 that he can eat q quart OF
baked beans for breakfast every morn
ing for thirty days. Here is an oppor-
tunity for London P,tnch to get off one
of its parenthetical jokes; |. C., say that
..such a feat is calculated to make one
Oliver SWEET (all over sweaD."
The belief that the people of Pompeii
cultivated watermelons is strengthened
by the discovery, in the course Of recent
excavations there, of the remains of a
man with his hands clasped across his
stomach. There was nothing, however,
to indicate that he was of African de-
scent.
| A gilt-edged delight is the kind Of
thing that fills mans soul when he is
ransacklng the closet to find bootjack
and accidentally rakes out last sum-
mer's straw hat, and notices the senti-
mental things that were written in it
last July by some blue-eyed darling in
the mountains.
sWhy do women SO often wander
aimlessly in the murky solitudes of the
dead past, brooding over days forever
gomez" asks a correspondent, and we
give it up, unless it be that she hopes by
ransacking the dead past to find that in
the wardrobe of the aforesaid dead past
she may find something to work up into
a rag carpet.
The New York Commercial AdUer-
tiser says there is beggar in Washing
ton who stammers so much that il
takes him several minutes to ask for a
c-c-c-c-c-cent. As it may take him
several hours to get one, he is fool to
waste so much time asking for cent,
when he could ask for d-d-d-d-d-d-
dollar just as quickly. aej.. -t
i Dumpsey went hunting the other day
and took Johnny with him. They saw a
rabbit, and Dumpsey drew up and shot.
The cap exploded, and there was a long
splutter, and finally, just as Dumpsey
took the gun down, the charge went of;
When they got home the folks asked
Johnny what luck they had had. 20, y
said Johnny, "papa saw a rabbit, but
his gun stammered so he couldn't hit
it. .... as
,tsWhy are you in such hurry to gel
homer" one Frenchman asked another
who had recently arrived in New York
and had already bought ticket for the
return trip. .'Ah, my friend, I return
| that 1 may become member of the
Cabinet. y "Indeed! What hope have
you of thatp" They will have trieG
every other Frenchman by the time
get to Paris, and / must hurry to take
my turn" ta
Imagine an alderman and two com
mon councilmen taking little supper
at the city's expense, for which 800 il
charged. That money would buy 20(
plates of hash, 800 doughnuts or 4,O0(
crackers, with cheese thrown in. l
4 would buy forty pots of beans and porl
at so cents each, forty plates of roas
beef, fifty lobster salads, or 1873 l.;
pieces of pie. What enormous appe
tites!
A nice young man thought he ha'
found something pure and fresh in tn
shape of a laughing little witch of
girl, and was ON the point of proposinI
marriage, when she scattered his fon'
hopes to the winds by remarking on
evening: ''You hug and kiss me NOR
p than any gentleman / am acquaii,te'
with, except Bill Wallace; and he is
baggage-smasher, and only comes her
once a month
They had only been married shor
time. The other day she slung her arr
around him and warbled, in a low
tremulous voice: "Do you realize
Adolphus, that now we are married W
are only onep" mo-" replied the brute
II can't realize it. I have just paid
S75 millinery bill and a. lot more 9
your bills, with several outside precinct
to hear from, so / am beginning to real
ize that, as far as expense goes, instea
of being one we are about half-ardozer
can't take in that idea of our bein
one just yet, not by large majority"
A few days ago q countryman VIII
was riding up Ninth street, New Yorl
Z gave the conductor of the car dolla
from which to take his fare. At the me
ment the dollar was given to the cor
duotor, the carapproached Willow stree
where locomotives cross Ninth stree
every few moments. In order to max
sure that the track is clear the conduc
ors of the line alight from their cars an
run ahead and signal to the driver
( whether to approach or stop. AS th
dollar was dropped into the conductor
hand, he suddenly wheeled around, ra
j to the door and jumped upon the stree
l followed by the big, burly countrymal
WHO roughly seized him by the COZ
collar, and in loud voice exclaimed
"You rgoldurned scoundrel! You can
come any of your city games on m.