Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-04-26
AusTIH sIFT1Ies.
No sMoErRG ALIoNEp.

An Austin street car driver is very
much annoyed by gentlemen smoking
in the car, which Is contrary to regula-
tions. Yesterday, there were several
gentlemen smoking in the car. and
losing his patience, the driver stuck his
head into the car, and bawled out:
IF you want to smoke In there,
throw away your cigars, and go some
where else" f.r
ROBERT, THE DEVIL
Said lady, who wanted to 90 to the
theater, to her husband who was read
ing newspaper: There is new
opera company coming TO Austin, and
they are going to give Robert the Devil"
"What are they going to give Robert
the Devil for-what's he been doingP"
asked the husband, who is not well up
in opera music.
MARK OF IDENTIFICATION.
Have you anything extraordinary
on your person by which you could be
identifiedP" asked an Austin doctor,
who was examining Bill Colbert for
life insurance policy.
Colbert thought for good while be-
fore he answered. At last he replied
that he had the required peculiarity.
''What mark is it?"
Fearful cramps when eat green
csrn."
COLORED LOVE LETTER.
Miss Matilda Snowfall, having closed
the door, approached the lady of the
house in most mysterious manner, and
asked as favor that her employer
write letter to Sam Johnsing.
What do youwant me to write?"
Write him dat / was at de corner at
de appointed hour, and dat he didn't
come"
well, I've got that down.
'Den add to dat ar: consoles myself
wild de fond hope you was KEEP away by
sickness. Your only true lub, Matildy
Snowfall"
AN INSULT TO THE PROFESSION.
There is an angry doctor in Austin
Just now. He has been fatting up a
hog for some time. Day before yester-
day he sent for butcher and had the
animal dressed. When the doctor asked
the butcher how much he charged, the
latter replied:
"Never mind about that. We pro-
fessional gentlemen ought not to charge
each other anything. You didn't charge
me anything for treating myswife's 5
mother who died last fall. y
TAMPERING WITH 4 LEGISLATOR.
"You look pale.
"Well, l feel pale. am as nervous
as 3 cat"
Whats the matter?"
II dreamed last night that ] paid my
landlady, and am worried to death to
know where got the money from. I
am afraid some member of the lobby
has been tampering with me in my
sleep"
There are several Legislators in Austin
liable to the suspicion of having been
tampered with in their sleep. $780,.
EXPERIENCE TEACHES.
Colonel Arthur Peter read an adver-
tisement in paper to the effect that, by
mailing five dollars to Northern firm,
he could secure q double-barreled shot
gun. He sent on the money and re-
ceived the gun. He went out into the
suburbs of Austin to try the gun.
When Mr.. Peter returned to conscious
ness, his head was bandaged up. and he
was surrounded by doctors and his dis
consulate family. The first words he
uttered were:
''f live to be thousand years old,
IN never fire off that gun again"
AS the biggest piece Of the gun that
has thus far been discovered is only
about two inches long, and was exca-
waited with difficulty from under his
collar bone, the prospect of Peter keep
ing his word never to fire off that gun
again is very good.-Teras Sytings.