National Republican., 1883-07-14
MILD FUN.
Nep ORLEANS Picdulne.


in heaven.
BUILDINGS for angels to 1.-Two in should be
made with wings.
PITTsBURG people have been nearly steam
whistled to DEATH
HOLDING only one queen England has no
show in a game Of governments
IMPRACTICAL men are always having ideas
so big that they cannot carry them out
The Cincinnati Saturday Night looks upon
poker playing as a school for the blind"
IT is good time now to read tho declara-
ton of independence. II is new to many.
IT is possible that "Pi nafore" will be
played at Milneburg. twill be new there.
IT is said the Mclean house in Washington
next winter will be ofsgnal service to Gen. HAGEN.
THE sultan Of Turkey is not aman to waste
sympathy on. lie has an income of $3.50 600 per
year.
THE danger in taking the conceit out Of
some men is that they will have nothing left to
stand on.
THE trade dollar is in everlasting disgrace.
Savings banks about to break will not take it from
poor people.
AN Iowa paper says niue saloon licenses
have been issued in Boone. There is a chance for
Boone companonship
INDIANA is what is called a pivotal state,
and the politicians living there are liable to have
| their heads turned
IT may be said that merchant has failed
greatly when he is not left with strength enough
to draw check that banker will respect.
THE disgracefnl fate Of Maj. Wasson is a
terrible warning TO keep army officers from play.
ing poker They must try some other game.
SOME of tho village carts are so nico, and
they carry such precious loads II is no wonder the
swell young man wanls to become village
donkey.
A New YORK tailor recently broke his leg
dancing at a picnic. He is more than ever O.
opinion that mans legs are made to cross and
sit down on.
Neu York Commercial Advertiser.
A COOL wave is more welcome than a cy-
Clone
A PIVOTAL state is good place to swing
boom.
TRAMPs now use the trade dollar for Goa
buttons.
AS THE days get shorter politics grow
stronger.
FEMALE pugilists should wear "poke"
bonnets
THE sweet girl graduate is now using her
essay for curl papers.
AN uptown policeman named Crystal is al
ways on the watch.
Gov. BUTLER originated the fashion of
surprised eyebrows"
A PRoHIBITIoNpresiden ticket is talked
of. Which is why the democrats smile.
LONG prayers will not save a man who
gives short weight, says Delaware dominic
. JUDGE PITCHER, of Indiana, is in his nine
tieth year. 1t is safe to say that he played
base ball.
WANTED-A brand new watermelon joke.
Sealed proposals will be received and plugged un-
, til further notice.
5 NJ. KATKoFF will be the new editor of the
St. Petersburg GoIos. He'll find 1t so wheezy to
hurt peoples felines that he must beware of the
bootjack.
THERE are several kinds of mean men, but
. the meanest according 10 some iconoclast, is the
fellow who knows who will be the next president
, but won't tell.
Bismarck Tribune.
THE term "holy smoke" originated in the
old time when martyrs were being burned at the
! stake.
, EVANGELIST MOODY will try real hard to
| convert few Bostonians this summer. That man
, possesses wonderful nerve!
MINNEA POLLS used 21s,519.974 gallons of
, water during June. The country is now breath
t. lessly waiting for her soap statistics.
) THE Prince of Wales is endcavoring to color
: a meerschaum pipe. Remember this while at
Q your prayers and try to help him out.
DENNIS KEARNEY was fired out of the Chi
cago convention before he could utter his beloved
f, cry, "The Chinese must gol" This was very
- cruel
CHICAGO Wholesale cloak house advertised
for "female model with thirty six inch bust"
= offering IS week. There were twenty live appli-
: cants in two hours.
|, If this country feels disposed to pay Eng
t land back in her own coin, attaohe of this
s paper would be pleased TO make a summer tour of
j. Europe and back assisted emgrant
: KEEP right on sending your money and old
Q clothes to the heather. There are only 1900
9 towns west Of the Mississippi river without
= = churches or regular preaching ofany kind.
FOUR soldiers have been killed in England
: by lightning. Likely enough the fatal emissary
r has been hunting for the same material here, but
i couldn't discover enough army to practice on.
S A RURAL paper publishes pathetic article
j. entitled "a Sad Drowning" from which 1t may be
inferred that the editor knows of very cheer
u ful drownings II he would only unbosom himself.
: AN Iowa man asserts that the ground freezes
IS to such depth in Dakota that 1t thaws out
|. and that any one who will sink well can always
l. have a supply of ice water. Satan bushes clear
y up to the roots of his horns when such liar as
this turns himselfloose,
VERY wicked exchange says that a young
Il lady from the rural districts entered dry goods
"a store the other day and asked for pair of stock
- ngs The clerk politely asked her what number
!" she wore "Why, two you blasted fool Do you
n suppose am centipede, or have go. wooden
u Lego How many do YOU suppose tw egg ed
~ pin like me would wear?"
burlington HatVkeye.
ONE swallow does not make n schooner.
~ THE money question-"D Do you take trade
y dollars here2"
n MORE horsefesh is being eaten in Paris
this year than ever before. Well, the right kind
Of horse ought to make good pace-try.
A TEXAS farmer is seven feet high and
t. wears "a No. l5 boot. He kicked dude who was
70 foolng around his daughter the other day, and
the poorly executed chrome OF man lit clear
" over the Arkansas line.
Il IT is stated that Chicago girl went out
and kicked herself for letting wealthy lover slip
I'd away from her. II the stories told of the feet Of
n Chicago girls be true her hustle must have been
grand and awful wreck
< RURAL visitor to Chicago, full of sus-