Connecticut western news., 1883-06-13
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
 OVER THIS WEEK.
The Union Square Barber-A Little Invest ment-A Tramp's Law-GrOunds for a
 DivOrce-NOthing To Do, Etc., Etc.
A CASE OF USURY.

| CASE OF USURY.
 Nose Schaumberg always charges two per cent. month on all the money he lends. A few days ago Gus De Smith and Gilhooly happened to be in Schaum- berg's store, and Gus said:
 ''Mr. Schaumberg, would like to speak to you privately for few moments"
 Don't, don't, Gus," whispered Gil hooly "he'n charge you two per cent. 8 month for the use of his ear. ."-Austin .SGttiags.
 GOOD GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE.
 "What ground for divorce have you got? Has your husband ill-treated you, or been unfaithful ?" asked an Austin lawyer of lady who applied to him for divorce.
 "I've got the very best ground in the world. Ill-treated me I should say so. If he hadn't married me I could have married MT. Smithson, who wanted to marry me when was girl He has got back from Colorado, where hestruck it rich. If my husband didn't treat me badly by marrying me, I'd like you'd trot out 8 specimen of bad treatment. I want to see what it's like. "- Teras SJttngs.
 | AN INVESTMENT.
 Last fall narrow-gauge road twenty two miles long was planned and com pany organized in Wisconsin, and an Eastern man who scented chance for a profitable investment called upon the president to make some inquiries.
 How is the new line getting ?" he asked, after some general conversation.
 "Splendidly. We have the right of way for the first five miles, and have taken steps to gobble it for the other seventeen.
 "How much stock have you issued ?''
 "Two hundred thousand dollars. '"
 "And how much has been sold?"
 "Well, you see, it has all been pre- liminary thus far. We have sold enough stock to buy blue uniforms for all the general officers, furnish up several rooms with mahogany desks and moquette car pets, and as soon as we can work of sufficient to purchase horses and carri- ages for president, secretary and treas urer, and furnish the superintendent with yacht we shall begin the real serious work of building up grand trunk line. '- WaU Street NeaOs.
 THE SUMMER VACATION.
 '1 haf my own obinion on dot vaca tine peezness got, yet, says the barber ''I dink 1t peen pretty much humbuck' apowd neeting vacation from york York tond kill man half so qwick d doing noding too much. Vot der pig gest bart of us want is leedle vacation from our pleasures and habits, alretty Der man vich dinks he cand Tiff if he tont got trink of visky effery hafe hour ht pedder shvear himselluf off. Chust del same der campler; pedder he dock va cation away from his cards. Der pes resd for der averitch glerchyman would peen to sdop making long faces uf him self und looking around choost as if del vorlt vos all pig funeral, yet. Der vel lers vich amuse demselluts init sucl leedle flyers py Wall sdreet vot dem cant sleeb dree nights week, und der chen dlemen vich dink only uf breaking vim mems hearts und billiard playing und o1 horse races bedding if dem should dake dwo weeks vacation from all den dings, dot would peen der pesd ding' ovid"
 "Are you going to go into the country this summer ?" the reporter asked tht monkey barber.
 "Vell,' he replied, eff der poss vii vent avey a gupple days a week in del summer, yet, und gif der shop resd mi his chaw, dots vacation enough for m' und der gusdimers. Der resd uf my hol , idays I'fe got to put in init blumme up down. I'm shbarking blummer fo F all he is worth, so can marry his daugh der und retire. Tie crushed der girl s E she sents me sick boedry ovid from , den cent Alpum Wrider's Friend. Sh | has efen vent SO Tar as to make me shlib bers four sizes doc shmall. Now, If got to get some fine york into der ol man. ."-Neau Yorb .Sun. = A TRAMP LAYS DOWN LAW.
 A frowsy tramp who had got out c
 New York by way of the bridge called a l a farmers house near East New York t k get something to eat, and was told t - chop up some kindling wood in the yard = He worked for half an hour, and then h t was fed. After he had finished he sai , to the farmer. "Now give me quarte y for chopping wood, and we'll be square. | "But gave you your dinner,' sai d the farmer.
 j, "I don't work for my victuals. I wor r for money when I work, and the victual ,. is bonus"
 + "Well, won't pay you" J. "All right, boss; then I'll sue you. l know the law. Work means money, nc J. victuals. I can wait. I've got lots ( J. time; but I'll have you before the Court d if you don't fork over."
 e The farmer at length paid the quarte, ,f but angriIy protested that he woul IS never give another tramp meal. g "All right, boss," said the tramp, hit 3 ing the coin in his rags; "but if you dc r. don't ask your guest to perform manus 1T labor. So long,"
 }. NOTHING TO DO. IS What tiresome business it must b y to be queen, anyway, says Wester IS paper after commenting on some of the il st which Queen Victoria is afflicted witt
 How vastly better it must be to be eve
 a daughter of poor American farmer