The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1883-01-09


Mistress OF herself was the spouse Of
the old gentleman who contriyed to tum-
BILE off the ferry boat into the Mississip-
pi, and was encouraged to struggle tor
.ear life by his belter-half shouting
There, Samuel, didn't tell You so |
Now then, work Your legs, flap your
arms, hold your breath, and repeat the
Lords prayer, for It's mighty onsartiu,
Samuel, whether you land In V,cksburg
or eternity"
Thoroughly oblivious of court man
ners was the red cloaked old Kentis
dame. who found her way into the tent
occupied by Qaeetf Cha1lotse atsavoiun.l
teer roview held shortly after her coming
to Rneland,and after staring at the royal
.ady with her arms akimbo, observed:
swell, she's not 80 ugly as they told me
she was!"-a compliment the astonished
Green gratefully accepted, saying:
We'll, my good woman, am very glad
of dat" Probably Her Majesty forgave
her critics ru1eness as the outcome of
rustic ignorance and simplicity.
There is no cooler man than your sim-
pie fellow While Gen. Thomas was
inspecting the fortitic4tions Of Chatta-
nooga with Gen. Garfield. they heard
some one shout: "Hello, mister! You!
l want to speak to you!' Gen. Thomas,
turning, found he was the "mister" so
politely hailed by an Eas, Tennessee sol
dier.
"Well, my man." said he, "whst do
you want with me ?"
Il want to get furlough, mister, ,tha, s
what | want" was the reply.
"Why do you want furlough, nv
man ?" Inquired the General
Wall, l want 10 go home and see my
WIFE"
"How long is it since you saw her ?"
Ever since l enlisted; nigh on to
three months"
Three months y exclaimed the com
mander. "Why, my good fellow, | have
not seen my wife for three years"
The Tennessaean looked incredulous
and drawled out: "Wall, you see my
wife amt thai sor,!"
The Postmaster General OF the Uni
ted States once received an odd official
com nun cation; the Rseborn postmas.
ter, new to his duties, writing to his su-
perior officer: "Seeing by the reguls-
tions that l am required to send you a
letter of advice, must plead in excuse
that have been postmaster but short
time; but 1 will say that if your Office
pays no better than mine. advise you
to give it up." To this day that Post
master General has not decided whether
his subordinate was an ignoramus or
was quietly poking fun at him.
Spite OF the old axiom about self
praise, many are OF the opinion that the
world is apt to take man at his cwn
valuation. II that be true, there is o
church dignitary in embryo somewhere
in the young deacon whose examining
bishop felt it requisite to SEMI for the
clergyman recommending him for ordi-
nation. iu order 10 tell him 10 keep tha,
young man in check; adding by way OF
explanation: II had the greatest diff
Guilty, SIT, to keep him from examining
mel" This not 10 be abashed candida e
for clerical honors promises to be as
worthy of the cloth as the American
minister who treated his village congre-
CATION to one of Mr.. Baecher's sermons,
unaware that the popular BROOKLYN
preacher made one of bis hearers. Ac-
costing him after service, Mr.. Beecher
said: "That was fair discourse; how
long did 1t take you to write it2'
"Oh, l tossed it of one evening"" was
the reply.
"Iudeed!" !" said Mr.. Beecher. "Well,
it took me much longer than that to
think ont the framework OF that sermon"
"Are you Henry Ward Beechsr p
asked the sermon steal4r.
81 am," said that gentleman.
"Well, then," said the nther, not 10
the least disconnected, all that l have
to say is. that amt ashamed to preach
one o. your sermons any where
We do not know il Coleman invented
the phase "As clol as q cucumber;" bu,
he makes the Irishman in "rhe Heir al
Law" say: "These two must be rich
man that won't lend borrower for one
is trolting about in great distress and
t'other stands cool as cucunher
OF the two, the latter was more likei,
to have heen intending raid on anoth.
er mans purse, for the men whose Every
trade is borrowing" are usually, VT
might say necessarilr, the coolest Of The
cool; like Bubb Dodington's inpecu.
uious acquaintance, who, rushing acros:
B md street, greeted Dodington- with
I'm d. lighted to see YOU, for am wen
derfully in want of guinea"
Taking out his purse, Ba6b showet
that it held but half guinea.
"a thousand thinks cried his tor.
mentor, deftly seizing the coin; "tha
will do very we'll tor the present." anc
then changed the conversation. But a:
he turned to take leave, be inquired
"By-the by, when will you pay me tha
half guinea ?"
Pay your What do you mean Z
exclaimed D,dington
"Meahp Why, intended to borrow
guinea of you. have only got half
but I'm not in hurry for t'olher. Nam,
your own time, only pray keep ii!
saying which, he disappeared round the
corner.
"Jehn Pca,ix," the American hu
morist, being one night at .heater
fancied he saw friend some three seat,
in front OF him. Turning to his mex
neighhor, he said; "Would YOU be kin,
enough to touch that gentleman will
your stickp ?" "Certainly," was the re
ply, and the thing was done; but whel
the individual thus assaulted turne,
round, PLoaix saw he was not the ma
he took him for, and became at one
absorbed in the play. leaving his frien
with the stick to settle matters with tn
gentleman in front, which, as he hal n
excuse handr, was not done without cor
siderable trouble. When the huhbu
; was over, the victim said: Didn't yo
; tell me to tap that man tn nv stick :
Yes" "And what did you want
"Oh," said Pho ,ix, with impetturbab
! gravity, II wanted to see whether yo
would tap him or not!"
"Jack Holiness" man-about-tow W
living no one knew how, was once und
9 cross-examination by a certain sergean