Connecticut western news., 1883-09-19
WOULDN'T WASH.

'"Those goods are rather dear, ain t ,they?" remarked Miss Araminta at the dry goods store to the new clerk.
 "I think not, ma'am. They're marked down almost to cost"
 "But they don't look as though they'd wash."
 "Eh !" replied the open-mouthed clerk.
 ''They don't look as though they'd wash"
 ''Lord, no P replied the clerk, "you'd have to wash them"
 And then the young gman wondered all day what made the young lady founce out of the store so quickly.
 TON OF SATISFIED COMFORT. A tramp who had been hired by a circus to appear as an Oriental Knight in the cavalcade fell from grace and once more resumed his ancient calling.
 "Hello!" said man, meeting him one day. "I thought you were circus ing"
 was, UuG N0 qu1G.
 "Do you like this business as we'll as the circus ?"
 "Wel, I don't know I may not be So awful gorgeous as was, but don't have to wash every day and change my clothes, and there's whole ton of satis- fled comfort in that, even if don't look quite as purity as an Oriental Knight. "- Merchant IraUeler.
 A WESTERN TRIP.
 A wholesale merchant of New York city, who has just returned from the West, admits that he had never given that country proper credit for its spir- tied enterprise. As he passed through Detroit he was sought out and offered a $60 coffin for BPS, with the deed of a burial lot thrown ill. In Chicago 8 man offered to kill him for three cents, and an ice wagon went a square out of its way to run over him. In Indianapolis he found one of his old employees, who admitted an embezzlement as far back as 1859, and forced him to take check for principal and interest. He still has the check to prove it. At Mackinaw they took him for a lord (rate, $S per day}; and at Cleveland he was taken for a bunko-man and had to identify himself by telegraph. Had he been of an agri- cultural turn of mind he could have bought 600 acres of land of a Toledo man for the trifie of $50Q aass Iand -wsEs ;slT on tIie bottom Of nake Erie, sIid he would have had no fences to builo nor taxes to pay. He returns completely charmed with the Vest Also, minus his gold watch. WaU Street NeaUs.
 WHAT SHE SAW IN CHURCH \ He staid at home and she went tt church; after dinner he asked her:
 "What was the text, May ?"
 ''Oh, something somewhere in Gener ations; I've forgotten. the chapter ant verse. Mrs. Hugh sat right before mt with a\Mother Hubbard bonnet On"
 "Ho@ did you like the new minister
 "Oh, he's splendid and Kate Darlil was there, in Spanish lace cape tha never cost D cent less than $5O."
 "Did he say anything about the nev mission fund?"
 ''No, and the Jones girls were al rigged out in their yellow silks mad over; you would, have died laughing t, have seen them.'
 It seems you didn't hear much 0 the sermon." ~
 '"rhe fact is, Harry, the new ministe has :, lovely voice; it nearly put me t sleep"
 A long silence, during which Harr.. thought of several things, and his wifi was busy contemplating the sky or view when she suddenly exclaimed:
 ''There I knew I'd forget to tel you something. Would you believe il Harry, the fringe on Mrs. Jones's para sol is an inch deeper than mine, an twice as heavy!"
 COULD HAVE SALLY IF HE WANTED HER.
 A Detroit lawyer who had business i one of the northern counties short tim since put in night at a farm house It was log-structure containing tw rooms and such furniture as pioneer get along with. The family consiste of all old man, his wife, and a girl ( twenty, who was slashing around bare footed and had fist like @ sluggel After supper the old woman took seq in front of the lawyer and suddenl asked:
 'sDo you wear sich fine duds all til time ?"
 ''All the time, madam"
 ''Is that 8 real diamond in your shirt
 ''It is.
 'And heard you tell the old ma you had a horse and buggy at home?"
 "Yes, ma'am."
 "And that watch and chain are re gold, suppose?"
 "Yes, the real stutf."
 Cost as much as $200?'
 "Yes, over $30O."
 My stars Why, you must get { much as $40 month and board ?" sl gasped.
 ''Madam, sometimes make $50 p' day." he placidly replied.
 "Shoo! Why, you are worth tho' sand dollars?"
 "Yes, ten times that"
 ''Stars and stars P There was an interval of silence as sl recovered from her amazement. The she tip-toed to the corner of the houl