Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-08-13

When woman smiles from ear to ear,
it's real mean to say that her mouth goes
back on her.
Oscar Willie is lecturing on Americans.
Wish we had never said anything mean
about Oscar.
81 wouldn't mind going up SO high, said
the hotel guest, 'if the bill was not made
out in the same way
The evil that men do lives after them.
Even when an amateur cornetist dies he
leaves the fatal instrument behind.
Seeing carriage full Of bellies and
beauX drive by, Aminidab remarked that
that reminded him of load of wooed.
When the dog gets after the boy in the
melon patch, and there are no trees ham
dy he sings, ''Oh, for the garden WALL"
His Honor: care you guilty or not
guilty?'' Prisoner; aspects Use guilty,
sah but I'd like to be tried all de same"
''What is this man charged with?" asked
the magistrate. ''With whiskey, your
worship replied the sententious police
man.
''Did the child die under suspicious cir
cumstances?" asked the coroner of wit
ness. ''No, sir, it did not, it died under
the back porch
At a meeting in Syracuse the other
evening one of the speakers said: ''Sin is
writhing like whirlpool, and we must
meet it with the point of the sword
1t has just been ascertained why s'the
Arab folded his tent at night and silently
stole away" He was afraid the sheriff
might want him if he fingered any longer.
When Henry was courting Sarah he
used to boast that he had 'sboss'' girl
now that he is married he finds that. he
has ''boss' wife; but he never mentions
it.
The coming servants will not be for
eigners, but American Indian girls from
government schools. Thus will the In
dians once more rule the land they once
possessed.
'sMa, is Long Branch an awful dirty
placer" ''Why, no, my child-what made
you think SOP" 'sWhy, there is an adver-
tisement that says it is washed by the
tide twice day.
The duty having been removed from
matches, there will probably be much
! spooning at the seaside hotels this sum-
mer, and big crop of matrimonial en-
gagements in the fall.
'My DEAR" said fond wife, when we
were engaged always slept with your
last letter under my pillow" 'And t.
murmured her husband, 'I often went to
sleep over your letters
The collegian's passport: ''No," said
| the college man, ''I don't care a copper
whether 1 get degree or not; I've got
my skull-and-crossbones pin and that's a
passport into my society"
A Texas postmaster celebrated the
Fourth of July by shooting a Cannon
Cannon cursed the postmaster because
there was no letter in the postofice, anG
the postmaster ''fired" him.
SIS that about right, sir?" asked the
skillful barber, as he finished cutting his
customers hair. II like the side an(
back" was the response; ''but I wisl
you would make it little longer on th'
top"
A cucumber five feet long is exhibited
at New Orleans. 1t isn't size that counts
in cucumber, however. A little stubb,
fellow, three by two inches, has provel
enough to expand an ordinary sized stom
ach to an acher.
1t is asserted that chopping off dog
tail will seriously impair his eyesight
Some people may believe it, but you can
talk that nonsense to a chap who ha
been sighted in a melon patch by bol
tailed dog forty rods away.
s'I should be very much obliged il yo
would give me puff said the boo
agent as he entered sanctum. s'Wit
pleasure, % responded the editor, remo'
ing cigar from his mouth and Offering
to the visitor. 'sTake two or three"
An old colored preacher in Atlant
Georgia, was lecturing youth of his fo
about the sin of dancing, when the latt,
protested that the Bible plainly sait
ssThere is time to Dance eyes, d
am time to Dance" said the dark &
vine, 'sand it's when boy gets viii
PIN for goin' to ball.
SILVER CRFEK, N. Y, Feb. 6. .l880-Gents-I ha
e been very low, and have tried everything. to no
ps vantage. heard your Hop Bitters recommended