News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-04-12
Tile HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND TO LAUGH OVER.
wicked Boy-PuIlimg TOOGh-No Com.
paint HuldnE Tcrms-A Pei Joke
Was Willing, Etc, Etc.


NO COMPLAINTS FROM THE BoARDErs
A Detroit milIman some time SIM
secured customer whom he soon ii.
covered meant to pay III promises. h
he realized that if he quit serving her II
stood no chance of collecting the del
already contracted. He therefore plappe
to oblige her to dismiss him. and bao.o
| by adding One-fourth wafer to the mill,
No fault being found he put in fifty De
cent. OF water. Three days passed with
ont complaint, and the amount of waite
rose to seventy-five per cent. In tbre,
o; iss:.ZG- days more he served her wifi
Two quarts Of water cUIureu Dy gIII- ol
milk. Next morning he expected to hem
from it, but as the servant girl made nc
complaints he asked:
"How does the family like the milk ?''
''Pretty well, I guess.
"No complaints ?"
"Not as I've heard. 8Tissus is a wild
ow, you know, and doesn't drink tea nor
coffee on account of the dyspepsia, and
the boarders have all they can do to COM
plain of the butter!''
The man gave it up as a bad iob.-De-
tr0it Free Press.
MAKING TERMS.
At the battle of BuckIand Mills, where
the Michigan cavalry had it hot and
heavy for half day, q sudden flank
movement of one of the regiments cut
off about twenty Confederates who had
dismounted and were sheltered bv a
fence. There was no escape for them.
and captain rode forward crying out:
Surrender ! surrender If you don't
surrender, wo1I riddle you!"
He had almost reached the fence when
a tall, long-haired Johnny lifted him
self up, threw one leg over the top rail.
and cOolly called out
"Say, you thar! Did you order lis to
sulTender?"
eyes, and be quick about itr'
GLOW many Of you uns are oven
thar?"
"a thousand-fve ACKNOWLEDGMENT
to eat your whole army upr'
''And you want us to surrender?'
''Yes-at 'em, boys p
"Waal, now, capting, " continued the
old Confed., "don't be in such drafted
hurry. Here's nineteen of us here, and
the boys would like to know how much
you'll pay a head. and whether we are to
get cash or take it out in dicker. Come,
cap, make us your best tiggers, and
don't let's have any more jaw about it p
M. QUAD.
4 WICKED BOY.
"Weu, what have you got to say about
putting mp signs in front of my store
Rotten Eggs and 'Frowy Butter
specially, said the grocery man, as he
took the bad boy by the ear and pulled
him around. You have got an idea YOU
are smart, and [ want You to keep away
from here. The next time catch you
in here [ shall tell the police and have
You pulled Now git !"
The boy pushed his ear back on the
side of his head where it belonged, took
ont a cigarette and litit, and after putting
smoke iii the face of the grocery cat that
was sleeping on the cover of the sugar
barrel, he said:
''If [ was a provision pirate, that never
sold anything but what was spoiled so it
couldn't be sold in n first-class store.
who cheated in weights and measures,
who bought only wormy figs and de
cayod coGfish, who got his butter from q
fat-rendering establishment, his cider
from Il vinegar factory, and his sugar
from glucose factory, would not in.
suit the son OF one of the first families
Why, sir, [ could go out on the corner
and when [ saw customers coming here
[ cou id tell story that would turn then
stomachs, and send them to the grocery
on the next corner. Suppose I SHOULD
tell them that the cat sleeps in the drieC
apple barrel, and the mice made nests il
the prTme box, and rats ran through the
raisins, and that you never wash you
hands except on Decoration Day aHC
Christmas; that yOu wipe your nose OF
your shirt-sleeYes, and that you have the
itch, do you think your business would
be improved? Suppose I should tell the
customers that you buy sou-kraut of Z
wooden-shoe Polacker, who makes it Of
pieces of cabbages that he gets by
gathering swill, and you sell that stuff tc
respectable people, could you pay the
rent? If I should tell them that you put
Iozenges in the collection-plate at church
and charge the minister forty cents G
pound for oleomargarine, you would have
to close up. Old man, I am onto you
and now you apologize for pulling my
ear.
The grocery man turned pale during
the recital, and finally said the bad bo,
was one Of the best little fellows in The
town, and the boy went out and hung NJ
a sign in front: Girl wanted to cook. )
-PccL'S SIN.
PULLING A TOOTH.
"Weel Bridget" " said Margery, " how
did you get along with the docthur?"
Bridget-"Says I, Och docthw,
dear, its my tooth that aches entirely
and I have q mind to have it drawn OOt
and it pIaze yer Says he til me, Och
murthcr, can We ask me that now?' Says
[, Sure have [ slept day or night these
three days?' So thin the docthur tool
his iron instrument III hurry, with a.
little consarnment as Barney woult
swape the knives and forks from tn
tables. BE aisy, docthur,' says I
there's time enough-youlI not be il
such a hurry when your thurn comes
I'm thinking %, well, says tn
docthur, and yer no ready now you ma.
come the morrow 'Tndade, docthm
I'll not stir from tins So, wild this anil
tooth alive in my jaw, says [; clap O
yer pinchers, and mind We get hoult c
the right -ye may aizily see it by it
aching and jumping
With that he dabs razor-L j IN
weapon Until the mouth, and cut mp tn
gl..+, as if it were nougI { hut cowld mat
| for hash for breakfast. SAYS |. Docthu
what are Won afther? Dye want to max
an an. tony of q living creather?' 'Si
still, says he, jammiug something like
| corkscrtw into my jaw and twisting tn
very sowl out ot me. ! sat still, becaus
n