Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1883-05-25
FUN


Too LATE.-An agent for New York
grocery has route through Pennsylvania,
and last spring he was greatly put out to
discover that the agent for Boston house
had taken away one of his best customers.
Ibid he offer you better figures 7" he
asked in explanation.
mo"
BETTER terms 2''
mo"
''Goods any better 2"
Mo-
''Then why did you leave our house 7"
''Well, to tell you the TRUTH replied
the merchant, 1--WE both both belong to
the Fellows, and have fraternal
feeling, you know"
The agent had no more to say, but there
was business in his eye as he withdrew.
Next time be came over the route he call
ed on the merchant. and said:
"Well, am also an Odd Fellow now.
and hope to secure your order again."
Have you Joined p
Eyes"
How sorry am" sighed the merchant,
with a look of distress on his face. "Only
last week the Boston man and myself were
bounced frona the Order for being drunk
at funeral, and now, of course, we don't
feel like having anything to do with any
member in good standing. Under the cir.
cumstances I couldn't possibly patronize
you"
The MINISTER Pastor.
He must have eyes all around his head.
and see behind him as we'll as before, so
that he will not offend any persons by not
seeing them and not speaking to them.
He must be blind as bat and not see
everything. He must keep both ears open
to hear all distress calls, and yet be deaf
and not listen to SANDER or gossip. He
must speak the truth boldly, and yet must
be dumb so as to hurt no ones feelings.
He must be able to spend the whole day
with each of his members every day, and
then preach on Sunday as if he had done
nothing but study all the week. He must
eat cabbage and bacon voraciously and
not suffer from dyspepsia. Hs must Try
to please every body, and if he fails, look
elsewhere for q church. He must ''toady"
TO the sensitive members, indulge them in
their whims, and never cross one of their
tender feelings. He must be all things to
all men, and never compromise principle.
Any one having these qualifications will
apply to Mr.. -, clerk of - Church.
- town and if called he will receive
salary which will keep him poor If the Lord
will keep him humble.
P, S.-Deacon A.. and Sister b,
have promised to supplement the salary
with a peck of turnips, and half bushel
of carrots respectfully and respectively.
Quietly entering the barber shop, the
stranger removed his hat and coat, ano
taking card from his pocket, wrote Oh
it:
81 want to be shaved"
A barber stepped forward, read the card.
and pointing to chair, said to the other
artist:
"Deaf as brass kettle and dumb as an
OYSTER
The man Strengthened himself out in the
chair. when his manipulation began lather
ing his face.
s.The deaf cuss has cheek like stone
WALTZ be said, when genial laugh fol
lowed:
sStick pin in him and see if he is en-
tirely dumb, - said another.
The victim remaining undisturbed, the
following shots were fred at him by the
delighted tonsorial artist:
'sHe needs shampoo; his head is
dirtier than cesspool."
.'Shave him with stool leg; don't spoil
your razor on that stubble.''
"Gracious, what breath 1t smells
like baEd Of music"
"He ought to rent that nose for head
light" etc.
While all these complimentary illusions
were flying about him the operation OF
shaving was finished, and the man arose,
put on his coat, and then turning to the
astonished barber, said:
'sHow much for the shave and compli-
ments ?"
dill !" gasped the astonished man.
"Oh, nothing call again, ex
cuse.'' As the stranger left the shop the
discounted BARRIERS swore they would
never believe in deaf and dumb man un-
til they had first fired a ten-pound cannon
about his ears.
said an elder sister to little one who
appeared to take great interest In MIR.
Smith. "Come, little pet, it is time your
eyes were shut 10 sleepl'' 81 think not"
replied the little pet. "mamma told me to
keep my eyes open when you and Mr..
Smith were together
A Western wit tells what he would do
if be were jackass. A rival remarks that
what people desire to know now is, what he
would do if be wasn't one.
..May hope" was on the 10 zenger that
he handed to her. and when she crossed
out the sI'' and SEP and wrote Eyes,
you'' before the '.May," he used both legs.
boy, I'll teach you to tear your pants
said an irate Austin parent swinging 3
strap, I'LL teach you.' 4" Don't hit me,
pa, know how already. just look at
'em.n
An exchange says There will be no
pronounced loud styles this winter Don't
you believe it. The style of snoring will
be as loud as ever.
81 aim to tell the truth" "Yes inter-
rupted an acquaintance and you are proba-
bly, the worst shot In America"