The true northerner., 1883-05-18
HUMOR.
A 1BLEonAPH wire is like a mustache.
IL II Of no use when it is down.

IL II Of no use when it is down.
ANOTHER hotel horror, as the man
said when the hash was set before him.
THE evil that men do live after them.
Even when an amateur cornetist dies he
leaves the fatal instrument behind.
A cAUsTIo wit, in speaking of an i'm
pecunious friend, said: He settles his
debts just like clock-work-tick, tick,
tick"
A VERMONT youth, ut his mothers
funeral, said to the neighbors: Me
and father are obliged to you all, and
hope soon to be able to do as much for
YOU"
MAMMA-"Why are you always beat
ing your doll? That isn't nice" Elsa
ayes, it is. / must beat the doll, be-
cause don't want papa to tell me, as
he always tells you, that / am spelling
my children"
GEN. SHERMAN kisses every pretty
girl to whom he is introduced.
Tecumseh always was reckless man,
much given to cutting away from his
base and depending on the country for
his supplies as he went along.
AN Oregon paper shows the danger
of sudden inferences in scientific pur-
suits. A lot of brass buttons and col
ored beads found lying with certain
bones led to the conclusion that the
old rooster had suicided by swallowing
soldier"
PIscAToR (short-sighted; been troll
ing all day for big pike that lay in a
hole about here)-"Quick, Jarvis-the
landing net-Ive got him" jarvis
"Ah, sir, it's only an old frying-pan
but that will be useful y'know, sir,
when we do catch him. :"
The King of the Sandwich Islands
locks himself in when he gets drunk. 1t
would be well if some Americans were
to initiate his example instead of going
out in the highways and byways and
Offering to lick all creation, and occu-
pying both sides of the street at one
time me-NorriStOtOn Herald.
DURING game of draw poker In
Texas tavern two of the party drew re-
volvers and commenced firing at each
other. Those in the room remained
seated and escaped uninjured, but
man in the next room was shot In the
leg. 1t seems strange that Texas men
should show such bad shooting quail
ties.-George Peck.
A WOMAN entered saloon in Jersey
City, kicked over a table, smashed
dozen glasses, shook her fist under the
bar-keeper's nose, and called him a
fiend, and led her husband out 10y the
ear. The bar-keeper closed one eye
significantly, and remarked to terri
fed customer ."By chinks maybe she
vas mad aboud somedings-eh? ?"-The
Judge.
AN Austin Justice of the Peace, who
is constantly trying criminal cases, was
called on to marry couple After he
had asked the usual question if they de-
sired to be united in the bonds of mat
rimony, and they had replied in the af
! firmative, the Justice asked them
solemnly: Having pleaded guilty to
the charge, if there are, in your opin
ion, any mitigating circumstances, now
is the time to state what they are."-
TerdS SgtipgS.
The habit butchers have of selling
beef sausages Is very common. Nose
Schaumburg went to the market not
long since. and butcher tried to sell
him sausage. Don't you know L wash
Chew, and dot it wash contrary to
my religion to eat pork ?" The butch
er reached over and whispered conf
dentially Don't be afraid of 'em.
about" Nose said that if that was the
case, he had no use for them, and he
went to another butcher upon whom he
could rely, and whose sausages he knew
contained pork.-Teras SJtingS.
This anecdote comes from Scotland:
Two fshermen-Jamie and Sandy
belated and befogged on rough water,
were in some trepidation lest they
should never get ashore again. At last
Jamie said: Sandy, I'm steering, and
L think you'd better put up a bit of q
prayer" Sandy said: 81 don't know
how" Jamie said "If We don't I'll
just chuck We overheard" Sandy be-
gan: go Lord, L never asked ANYTHING
of Ye for fifteen year, and if Yell only
get us safe back I'll never trouble Ye
again" "Whisht, Sandy" said jamie,
"the boats touched ashore; don't be
beholden to anybody"
THERE are few things too mean for a
stingy man to do. We know of one
who married widow before her dead
husbands child was weaned, thinking
that she was rich. After marriage he
discovered that most of the property
was willed to the baby, so he had him.
self appointed its guardian that he
might handle the money. When he
went to settle his guardianship account
he filed claim of S37 against his infant
wards estate for q wet nurse for the
child. On investigation it was found
that the wet nurse for whose services
he charged was his own wife, the child's
mother.-OslCego Times.
A Pugilistic Lord.