The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-08-15
COMIC comMENTs

-,0ne of the knowing heather: Port
land (oregon) Chinese peddler refused an
English shilling offered as two-bit piece,
saying: "No good Me heap sabe. No
chicken on him."
"A fine language: Procrastinate ees
TO put off, eh? l see. Tres bien Then
the man who eos drunk you procrastinate
trom the cars. Yer seemple, YER fine Ian
guage. boston Transcript.
Bearing Mr.. Arthur in mind: Proud
Mr. Blobbs-" If my boy amt goin' to be
President signs don't count. Why, that
boyn run away from school every day to 90
a-fshn'. n-Loaisg,Re Coa9er-Journas.
The dude in Kentucky. "Do you see
That young man going along there p" Eyes;
what of it ?" He's got girl on the brain"
"Ah; judging from his appearance the girl
must have soft sit.n-Rentacky Stats
Journal
WHAT'S in a name2 Custom House
official (holding up two black bottles)--"
thought you said you had wearing apparel
only in this trunk. What are these p,
Lady" So did Those are my husbands
aight-caps. life
"A grand DANES irony: An old lady
was asked her opinion about Mrs. Smith,
her next-door neighbor. well" she said.
II am not the one to speak i'll OF anybody,
but feel very sorry for Mr.. Smith. ~
Rochester Post Espyess.
old Snarle at the exhibition: Distin-
suished amateur Showing his latest picture)
IA rub out great DEAL Most of my
effects are got by that" Old Snarle-" All,
capital process | Only you don't carry it
quite far enough "-Loadoa Punch.
-" Here stands post.' "No, ye be
goa'n quote wrong, zur." "But the finger
post said this way" Boy-"Ah, but that
theer 6nger-poast was blowed down one
noight, and chap as stock she up agen e
couldn' read, ye seeln-London Fun.
Wooden head against wooden head
What bore Jenkins i" exclaimed Con-
merry; Just met him, and he talked about
that COMPOUNDED horse of his for half an
honr, and couldn't get word in edgeways
about my new dog ~ Boston Transcript.
The dude and tho maiden. Jaw, I
hev such a dwedful cawid in mo head,n re-
marked an Ivy street dude, aa he stroked
.he tender tip of his nose yesterday "Bet-
ter TINT than nothing" was the witty but
cruel response of Peaohtree street maiden
who heard him. Atlantic Constitution.
Gratifying; Amateur artist Ito the
oarrier)-" Did you see my picture safely
delivered at the Royal Academy ?" Carrier
-" Yessr, and mighty pleased they seemed
to be with it-leastways If one may jedge,
sir. They didn't say nothin'-but-Ior
how they did laugh l"-Lon,ion Punch.
Silence called for: Lawyer" What
did tho prisoner do next ?" Witness--"I
think" Lawyer-"There, stop there !,
you are not to tell what you Think Wit
ness" That's lucky for you; you might
hear something you wouldn't consider fiat
tering." "Crier" Silence ip Lac court ~
Boston Transcript
Janet home from church Janet was
not comely. but mn excellent servant and
especially devout. One Sunday afternoon,
on returning from the kirk, she mentioned
to the ladies of the family how much she
had enjoyed the services. Shortly after
ward they heard her scolding at n great rate
and one of the ladies demonstrated with
her. "Why, Janet, I'm afraid the service
did you very little good, after ALL as you
seem to have lost your temper" "Ah.
weel," said Janet, 'I left Willum to look
after things and every things SO upset it's
enough to take the taste o. prayer out o
ones mouth "-Scotch Story
Too much moderation Bill Blount
vas selected by the Austin Debating Society
Moderation" Bill has enjoyed classical
education and is good-hearted fellow, but
he is little hot-headed. This Is the way
he began his address: "Ladies and gentle
men. Moderation in all things Shut that
door, will you? Moderation, ladies' and
the door say shut that door. Moder-
alton in ali things is VIII you or will
you not, you blank Anticipated fool, shut
that door2 Moderation in all things is q
virtue" Just then another late conner
opened the door and we shot out - 1egds
SVJiags.
"A case OF interest: A man named
Rankin Peagrim was tried in the Austin
District Court for murder last week. His
plea was self-defense. When tho case was
called for trial the Judge asked the prison.
tense ?' Up spoke the prisoner; "Jedge,
how can we be ready for defense when the
Sheriff took both my means of defense away
from me? The one that self-defended the
man with has an ivory handle, and Of / had
it now I'd be ready for trial, you bet" The
prisoners lawyer had great difficulty in
calming down his client. The case IL
watched with considerable interest - Terds
StfIings.
Better left unsaid, ~ should think
you would be tired to DEATH" remarked Mrs.
Gaddington, who had called upon Mrs.
Homespun, "you are always busy as you
can be-" ooh, don't mind it," said Mrs.
Homespun cheerfully; "you know l am
not troubled with callers very often; il l
was / should soon give out" Then il
suddenly comes to her that she has said
something she had better left unsaid and an
awkward pause follows, which is opportune-
ly broken by Mrs. Gaddington remembering
that really she must GO" Now have
made you nice long call-good by, dear
now do come and Sos me, won't you Pr
Boston Transcript
@.-aAb~--.%
RIoH BosToN WoMEN.--The ASSESSORS
lists reveal that there are sixty-nine women
In Boston who are worth over 300, GOO, five
of them being worth over $500, GOO and two