The Canton advocate. [volume] (Canton, D.T. [S.D.]) 1877-1897, 1883-04-26

who confessed in his last hours that he
spent seven months trying to whip 8
Chicago editor and could never gel
within ten feet of him.
Speaking of lady who was forever
telling of her aches and pains, said Fogg,
II always enjoy her conversation. It is
complete course of lectures on physi.
ology, and nothing to pay"
every railroad built in this country
is human piece of work." said Can
ada man. "Why?" asked bystandcr.
Because they give people better op-
portunity of getting out of the place. "
Enquirer. .''-"Yes, man not y JUS
tice of the peace can administer an oath.
We accidentally stuck corner of our
umbrella in a mans eye, the other day,
and he administered several caths to us;
but he wasn't a justice Of the peace"
"He cometh not" she said, and she
was quite right; he didn't arrive. His
intentions were all right; but they failed
to successfully combat the bulldog that
was screened in the moon-kissed shrub
berry.
A good-looking girl, whose lover
asked her in the tenderest tones why it
was that she was so magnetic, explained
the phenomenon by informing him that
her mother and father were both tele-
graph operators.
II do wish you would come home
earlier,n said a woman o.her ,hus-
band: Il am afraid 10 stay alone. l
always imagine that there's somebody
in the house; but when you come I
know there ain't.''
"Poor fellow! he died in poverty
said man of a person lately deceased.
''That isn't anything!' exclaimed a
seedy bystander. dying in poverty is
no hardship; it's living in poverty that
puts the thumbscrews on fellow"
"Your husband is staid man now, is
he not?" asked 4 former schoolmate of
her friend who had married q man
noted for his fast habits. Il think so,"
was the reply, che stayed out all last
night"
Prince Bismarck keeps diary. The
first entry on Jan. /, reads: Il have re-
solved to drink not more than sixty
glasses of soul-destroying beer day
during the presenk year." P. S.-Saye
on Schuetzenfest days.
Il am trying to break myself of slang
phrases" said the Centralville girl,
'and have been for some time; but,
actually, used the word racket to-
day before thought, and I'm 50 asham-
ed of myself. You won't give it away,
will you?"
. When MIR. Snaggs wants peace and
quiet of an evening, while he sits and
thinks, he says to his wife: "Now, my
dear, talk to me, and amuse men' And
the blessed old dame at once loses all
capacity for thinking of anything to
say, and never opens her condemned
head.
A Scotchman, having hired himself
to a farmer, had cheese set down be-
fore him, that he might help himself.
After some time the master said to him,
s'Sandy, you take long time to break
fast" ''In troth, MASTER" said Sandy,
ga cheese O this size is nae sac soon
eaten as ye may Think
An old bachelor, who wanted to in
gratiate himself with a rich widow, pre-
sented her with q lap-dog, saying: II
have trained him SO perfectly that he
will eat off your hand.'' EAT of my
hand?" exclaimed the widow. Il don't
want my hand eaten off; and you
needn't think of getting it in that way"
An Irishman who had been contend
ing that mule was a nobler animal
than horse, said that a mule had once
saved him from drowning. "How was
that, Paddy?" asked one of the bystaEd-
ers. ''Faitb, he gave me such lick
wild his hind leg that he landed me on
the other side of the canawl instid of
in it."
It was the last act of a new comedy,
and the house, half empty at the start,
was nearly deserted, only few dead
heads remaining. The curtain went up
and. the leading man began with his
line, care we alone?" The utility man
glanced over the auditorium and an
swered, in tragic tones, "We arer' For
the first and the last time the audience
laughed.
Il Think said a vegetarian, once, in
conversation, ''that when man lives
on beef he becomes something like an
OK; if he eats mutton he begins to look
sheepish; and if he eats pork, may he
not grow to be swinish?" 'sThat may
be-" said his friend; "but when man
lives on nothing but vegetables, think
he is apt to be pretty small potatoes"
A gentleman at a party the other
evening. seeing some wax fall from
chandelieron that part of lady's dress,
who sat next to him, not great way
from her bosom, Immediately took out
his watch and clapped one of the seals
upon it. '.Bless me, SIR" said the lady,
"what are you doing?" '.Only trying
to make animpression on you, madam"
he replied.
Mrs. Peter Schinsky is one of those
ladies who take much better care of
their animal pets than they do Of their
children. She has got pet poodle by
the name Of Fido. Yesterday, Mrs.
Schinsky's little boy, Bob, asked his
mother: ..Shall give Fido this piece of
sugar he is begging for?'' mo, my
child. it might spoil his teeth; eat It
yourself, Robby."
He stood on the pest-office corner and
every body knew him as a newly married
man. BE had far-away look in his
eyes and . bit Of yarn on each Of the
last two fingers Of his hand, and kent