Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-03-26
The Washington monument is looking

up.
The champion light weight-a grocer's
pound.
''When Music, heavenly maid, was
young" she never comic ballads sung.
Just as long as woman retains her
maiden name, her maiden aim is to change
it.
A girl baby in Knoxville has three
thumbs. If she ever gets husband the
poor fellow will be kept thoroughly under
subsection.
''Pa, what is an optimist?" can opti-
mist my boy, is a man who can laugh
when his gum overshoe is left sticking in
the mud in the middle of the street."
The American Indians are the longest
lived people in the world, and the dirtiest.
P. S.-They live off the government and
there is no need of moralizing about the
dirt.
''Oh, aunt" cried little Amy in her nur-
sery the other day, ''make Freddy behave
himself; every time 1 happen to hit him
on the head with my mallet he bursts out
crying
Several large brewery and distillery
| firms have failed since the begipHfng OF
| the year. When brewery can't make
money the times may be regarded as pref
| ty hard.
An Exchange tells us that certain
actor ''still carries his hand in sling"
| There is where he differs from the rest of
the profession, who generally carry a
! sling in their hand.
When a man is dismissed from employ
ment he always has good deal to say
against his late employers. A man, in
fact, is like Il gun. He makes a great
noise when he is discharged.
One Irishman defined nothing to be "a
footless stocking without legs de-
scription by another is better. ''What is
nothing?" he was asked. s'Shut your
eyes, an you'll see it," says Pat.
''I know why there is no rest for the
wicked said the bad boy as he slid into
seat at the second table after the minis
ter and the other guests had departed.
''It's because the good people took all
there was
They tell of Nebraska man who sui
cided because he couldn't pay debt of
seventy-fve cents. 1t was probably a
debt he owed his wife, and, of course, she
had to keep talking about it, but he should
have failed and settled with her for three
cents.
The Rochester Post Express knows what
it is talking about when it says: If the
telegraph poles are done away with, and
the wires are put under ground, we don't
at night, unless more lamp posts are fur
niShed.
81 don't want no rubbish, no fine sen
timents if you please" said the widow
who was asked what kind of an epitapl
she desired for her late husbands tomb
stone. Let it be short and simple-some
thing like this: civilian Johnson, age6
rs years. The good die young"
When Colorado man energies from
cellar, where he has passed a pleasant
quarter of an hour hiding from blizzard
he finds his house upside down across the
way and is sure to exclaim 81 do pit,
the Eastern folks, who never enjoy fresl
air unless they come to Colorado''
Linked sweetness long drawn OUT cal
be seen in any back store of countr,
grocery at this season of the year. If th
patient grocer has an order for two gal
Ions of molasses he sets the jug under tn
faucet when he locks up for the night, an,
turns it off after breakfast next morning.
ssWhat's them things, ma?" asked
! little girl at the table the other day
. 'sWhy, those are Turkish prunes, m
dear 'sWhere did they come from !?
Her small brother looked up with an eS
preston of disdain on his face as he e1
claimed: ''They come out of turkeys, sis
Guess you don't know much about yegt
table,
.sWill you have dinner at the eatin
station?" asked the train boy of passel
ger YES" said the passenger rising an
following the boy. II just wanted t
know so l could telegraph ahead" sal
e. the boy. Telegraph repeated the tire
passenger whose patience the slowness
o the train had exhausted, '1 thought yo
,e wanted me to stroll on ahead and eat /
ut the time the train would get there"
Rev. Robert Scott, East Heblan, Penobscot Co. NJ
writes II am strong believer i'll the Wheat Bite
being fully satisfied from experience of their virtues
Sin is like river with strong current. and t
farther you go down stream. the less likely 1t is ii
in you will ever return.