The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-12-29
VERBAL LAPSES.
a Record of Curious Bianders

! hllullaf mistake. Inc sentiment has
much in common with the hearty laugh
ter which invariably follows the reading
! of love-letters in q breach-of-promise
| case The epistleS are, perhaps, non
sensical enough intrinsically; but the
ludicrous side of sympathy is reused
the auditor feeling that he himself had
written, or might write, Just some such
foolish sweetness to his lady-love. To
| slips OF the tongue some persons are of
course more prone than others-so
much so. in fact, as to cause the weak
| ness to be characterized as mental de-
! feet. Nevertheless, it is, as we have
said, failing more or less inherent in
human nature. These lapses may for
| the most part be attributed to one or
the other of four causes-haste, care
lessness, innocence and ignorance.
We have heard of the Captain of a
small ocean steamer-a bluff. hearty
sea-dog, of cockney birth-who some
times caused amusement to his passen-
gers by his slips He was in the habit
OF reading the Church of England ser
vice on Sunday morning, and his verbal
| vagaries were such as to seriously inter-
fere with the deyout attention of the
passengers. On one occasion he read
the episode Of 'Jael and Ceserea," and
PRAYED that the Queen might be sen
dowed with eternal tdciiHy.' We were
once perplexed by frequent allusion to
q steamer named the Sky-tbee-a, which
turned out to be the Scythia. Again,
the Captain gravely remarked one day.
as he was serving out some corn flour,
that he didn't know why the pudding
| was called 5'1le mango, seeing that it
was always 0hite!" Ignorant error is
not, however, invariably Sat sea-" A
man OF the would-be erudite order, on
being accosted by a neighbor with,
What a windy morning." replied,
Yes, it is blowing a perfect tOuTna-
| me,lt." The same arrangement OF cpl
taphs' was noticeable in the letter of a
country correspondent who wrote Here
/ sit in this quiet sequeStTIated nook"
MANY laughahle lapses have occurred
in the pulpit. Naturally, most of these
have resulted not from ignorance, but
from that tendency to slips which no
one can at all times avoid. The won
derful number OF clerical errors
which are current arises, probably, from
the fact that the opportunities of hear
ing them are more frequent than IN the
case of political or other speakers. A
few Sundays ago, in a church which had
recently been repaired, a venerable
clergyman prayed that the building
may stand eternally for many genera.
tons to come Another reverend gen.
tleman wound up glowing peroration
with ''Oh! my brethren the bridge was
quilted -ah-that is the gulfwas bridgedn'
the prosaic. hurried tones of the ex-
PLANTATION completely robbing the eli
max of its intended effect Again a
clergyman solemnly enunciated the fol,
lowing pregnant truth: If these men
had been born Hottentots they'd have
been Hottentots still
There is a story of minister who re.
ferred in his sermon to the ''Sarisees
and Faduces;" and in the course of an
announcement as to certain meeting
being held in the hail. he misplaced
the vowels in the first and last words,
with n result which can only be mildly
limited at as suggestive OF Hades. At q
clerical gathering in a certain town in
Nova Scotia, an aged brother rose and
remarked I'VE are all acquainted with
the Scriptural injunction this day every
man is expected to do his duty As
the meeting dispersed, one of the
clergymen spoke to the reverend lapse.
maker, and informed him the quotation
was from Shakespeare. "Shakcsperei' re-
piled the old minister; that can't be, fol-
I've never read SHAKESPEARE
| 4 ig ha,4 e4f hf
''precentor' DESK" which is equally
notoriousj in respect of bluRders. some.
times Of the most absurd nature. A In.
dicrous scene was witnessed some years
ago in a country church in Scotland
The precentor was q burly fellow. who
followed the pillow during the week. anG
whose only recommendation for the pos
of psalmody-leadcr was the possession
of powerful lungs. The paraphrase
''Ho! We that thirst had been chosen
and the bucolic precentoT elected to sing
it to the music of the ''Old Ca com
mon meter hymn to q long meter tune
He began with stentorian stolidity, new
er dreaming of the metrical precipicC
that lay Immediately before him. The
first line, .'Ho! We that thirst, approach
the spring" passed off without mishap
Then came the second line, where liv
, ing waters flow" No sooner had the
unfortunate precentor reached the las
word than he stood aghast at the fac
that there was more music but no more
words With the despairing look of ;
drowning man catching at straw, hi
cast his eyes imploringly from side tt
| ln = H. Of
last word into two groans of dismay
TO the remaining notes of the line
''fiow--oh--ohr Thereupon he col
lapsed into his seat with the air of be
trayed and injured man. amid the audi
bic filters Of the rural congregation.
Our Highland cousins have frequent
ly caused amusement by their colloquia
lapses, arising from imperfect knowl
edge of English. A Highlander, who
lives in a village not far from Paisley
was one day followed by beyy of mis-
chievous boys, when he turned sharply
round and exclaimed: "Oh, you'll
make fool of me as long as my back:
behint me, but if my face was before me
you wouldn't do it. Another who had
| been similarly annoyed, afterwards tolC
friend that ''some bad boys came ant
threw ground at him." A Highland
or on a Glasgow quay, with broker
hawser in his hand, was heard shout
ing: How can pull when the ropes
in twiceP" Two fresh arrivals from
the Western Isles went to city mer-
chants Office saying: This is Donald
and me lookln' for wrocht flor work
can you give US one?" No, I'm sorry
4 to say that at present there's nc
i vacancy" "Och, replied the spokes-
man, never mind, it's a'richt whether
or yes; as one door shuts, another
closes. Good mornin'.p The spirit
of Mrs. Malaprop would seem to per.
wade all kindreds and tongues, and
one might even imagine that some OF
that lady's lineal descendants have
settled in the West of Scotland. A
native of Skye happened to be in Edin-
burgh a few years ago, when Chantrelle