Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-09-21
Volume XL.---No. 10.
The Bad Boy.

Solomon was" said the bad boy to the
grocery man the other morning, with
the air of one who has made state
ment that has got to be argued pretty
strong to make it hold water.
"This Solomon is credited with be-
ing the wisest man, and yet history
says he had thousand wives. just
think of it. You have got one wife.
and pa has got one, and all the neigh
bors have got one, if they have had
any kind of luck. Does not one wife
make you pay attention? Wouldn't
two wives break you up? Wouldn't
three cause you to see stars? How
would ten strike you? Why, man a.
live, you do not grasp the magnitude
of the statement that Solomon had
thousand wives. A thousand wives
standing side by side, would reach a.
bout four blocks. Marching by fours
it would take them twenty minutes to
pass given point. The largest Sum-
mer resort hotel only holds about five
hundred people, so Sol would have to
hire two hotels if he took his wives
out for day In the country. If you
would stop and think once in while
you would know more"
The grocery mans eyes had begun
to stick out as the bad boy continued,
as though the statistics had never been
brought to his attention before, but he
was bound to stand by Solomon, and
he said: "Well, Solomon's wives must
have been different from our wives of
the. present day."
'Not much" said the boy, as he saw
he was paralizing the grocery man.
"Women have been the same ever since
Eve. She got mashed on the original
dude, and it stands to reason that Sol
onions wives we're no better than the
mother of the human race. Statistics
show that one woman out of every ten
is red-headed. That would give Sol
ONION an even hundred of red headed
wives. Just that hundred red headed
wives would be enough to make an or
dinary man think that there is land
that is fairer than this. Then there
would be, out of the other nine hum
dred, about three hundred blondes.
and the other six hundred would te
brunettes, and maybe he had few al
oinos, and bearded women, and fat
women and dwarfs. Now, those thou
sand women had appetites, desire for
dress and style, the same as all women.
Imagine Solomon saying to them in
the evening, Girls, let's all go down
to the ice cream saloon and have dish
of ice cream Can you; with your
brain muddled with cod fish and new
potatoes, realize the scene that would
follow? Suppose, after Solomon's
broom brigade had got seated in the
ice creamery, one OF the red headed
wives should catch Solomon winking
at strange girl at another table,
You may think Solomon did not know
enough to wink, or that he was not
that kind of fiirt, but he must have
been or he never could have succeed
ed in marrying thousand wives in a
sparsely settled country. No, sir. it
looks to me as though Solomon in all
his glory was an old masher, and from
what | have seen of men being bossed
around with one wife, l don't envy
Solomon his thousand. Why, lust
imagine that gang of wives going and
ordering fall bonnets. Solomon would
have to be king or a Vanderbilt to
stand it. Ma wears five dollar silk
stockings, and pa kicks awfully when
the bill comes IN. Imagine Solomon
putting up for few thousand pairs of
silk stockings. l am glad you will sit
down and reason with NE in a ration
al way about some of these Bible .sto--
ries that take my breath away. The
minister stands ME off when L try to
talk with him about such things. and
tells me to study the parable of the
Prodigal Son, and the deacons tell me
to 60 and soak my head. There is
darn little encouragement for boy to
try and figure out things. How would
you like to have thousand red head
ed wives come into the store this min
ute and tell you they wanted YOU to
send carriages around to the house at
three o'clock so they could 90 for q
drive? Or how would you like to have
a hired girl come rushing in and tell
you to send up six hundred doctors.
because six hundred of your wives had
been taken suddenly with cholera NOR
bus? Or"
80, don't mention it," said the gro
cery man. with shudder. 81 would
not take Solomon's place and be the
natural protector Of thousand wives
If anybody would give me the whole
earth"
"Yes," says ths boy, "and think of
two thousand feet, each one as cold as
a brick OF chocolate ice cream. A man
would want back as big as the fence
to u fair ground. But don't want to
harrow up your feelings. l must 90
and put some arnica on pa. He has
got home, and says he has been to a
Summer resort on vacation, and he is
all covered with blotches. He saws it
is mosquito bites, but ma thinks he
has been shot full of bird shot by some
watermelon farmer. Ma hasn't got
any sympathy for pa because he didn't
take her along, but if she had been
there she would have been filled with
bird shot too. But you mustn't detain
me. Between pa and the baby l have
got all l can attend to. The baby is
teething, and ma makes me put my
fingers in the baby's mouth to help it
cut teeth. This is humiliating pos
ition for a boy as big as | am. Say,
how many babies do you figure that
Solomon had to buy rubber toothrings
for, in all his glory?"
And the boy went out leaving the
grocery man rejecting on what FAM
lily Solomon must have had, and how
he needed to be the wisest man to get
along withouta a circus, afternoon and