The Republican journal., 1883-02-22
Leaky Roofs.
BY OUR GEORGE.

can invent arO0f Tor dwellings, that Will be tight
during the winter months for this section of the
United States. For the past six or eight thou
sand years the inventive genius of man has
been all concentrated upon patenting a perfect
fitting corset, and safety pin that would not
stab the wearer every time she moved, and all
this time humanity has had to 60 to bed with
an umbrella over it, and life preserver under
the pillow-cvery time that it either locked like
rain OF Il thaw.
The same rule that would make carpenter
tight would not apply to a building, and roof
that was as tight in summer as Il pair of fash
ionable pants would leak like Kidding seve
in winter. | don't know what riddling seye
is, exactly, but it expresses the idea of want of
tightneSs better than any of the thirty thousand
words that have on my tongues end. A leak
always occurs in the night. A mysterious PROV
dence has thus arranged it, Just as it has that a
fellow always gets an invitation to a kissing
party after he has been eating onions, and it
either comes where it will ruin the best paper
in the house, or else it is exactly over the bed.
Few things discourage a man more than to be
awakened in the night by ice cold water drip
ping Oh his face. At first he imagines that it
is the cold c!ammy hand of death till it occurs
TO him that deaths hand is not clammy, and
also that it always tackles the feet first First
he lights out of bed, and then he lights lamp,
and sees above his bed on the ceiling an irregu-
lar crack. along which procession of drops of
water are marching in single file. lie sees the
leader 90 along till it gets exactly over the place
where the sleeper lay in bed, when it lets 90 the
crack and pounces down on the upturncd face,
while the next drop behind shakes with laugh
ter and hurrics along to the same spot when it
goes through the same performance. And then
the bed is pulled out and The wash bowl and
pitcher, and slop jar, and towels, and cuspa-
dore, and coal hod, are formed into an amateur
base ball nine, with the catcher holding the
most prominent position and leaving them to
play out the first innings, the occupant of the
room meanderS through the house, waking up
everybody and peering into all the rooms in
search Of other leaks; and he generally finds
''watcr, water everywhcre.'' and not a drop Of
anything in the house to drink; for if there is
any time when man needs to DE divorced
from his Good Templar pledge for Just a few
moments il is when he is wandering about
cold house in the night. clad only in small
lamp and three and half yards of Wamsutta
cotton cloth with Il turn down collar and
breast pocket in it-not in the collar but in the
rest Of the cloth He finds floods everywhere,
and as he wanders around, occasionally IL damn
will Civ way and large stream of oaths will
pervade The room. He will find the water
coming down in the parlor, right over the
ctagrre ana he will have to take two hundred
and thirty-one ornaments and Christmas cards
off before he can move it, and he will find an
other stream, coming down through the closet
where all hi, Wfc'> best clothes are hung and
by the time hr has finished his tour of inspec-
ton cNc cry tin utcns. pan, bucket and dish in
the house Has been called into requistion and
he thinks if he owned pail factory, that he
could run it On full time to supply his demand.
Disguised and mad, he zoe, back to bed only to
wait until morning, that he may clear the snow
oil the roof Now clearing some two or three
tons Of snow and ice from roof where It's frozen
solid 10 tie gutter while standing on ladder is
not rs pleasant Il job as sitting on front step on
q Summer night pouring tatfa into a pretty girls
ear, and it is more dangerous too. If your
tongue slips in the latter case, you can correct
the mistake before It's too late, but if your lad
der slips or the snow slides off the roof taking
you with if, there doesn't seem to be any way for
YOU to recover either your position or damages.
\ gentleman in Belfast having suffered from a
leaky house, determined last SATURDAY. to entice
i4 ba mill ipHtI
encc Of hatchet. But he did not know the
best way TO 90 TO work to get it off. The east
est way man can cut ice out of house gut
ter is to hire another man to do it: but this
gentleman did not think Of that simple and safe
way, 50 he planted 4 twenty five foot ladder up
against the ewes of the house and with hatch
ct in hand he cautiously climbed UP the ladder
and commenced loosenine the ice with the
Ratchet. lie hacked and chopped, and the bits
of ice flew III his eyes, and lii on the top of his
shirt collar and crept down his back where they
could warm themselves against his undershirt
and filled his mouth and ears full And ever
and anon the handle of the hatchet would strike
the gutter instead of the blade striking the lee
and a numbness would run up his arm, and his
him on hi> crazy bone with a club. Just where
he was at work the roof of the house met the
roof of the barn at Il right angle, and on the
barn roof the gentleman, Che is good at figures
estimates that there were some twenty-five
million tons of solid snow and ice. Being
greatly interested in his choppng he had not
taken this snow into his calculation. had no in
al 81 mo hat nt all
that on the barn as Il sort of Il nest egg, when
he heard q sound that resembled the scream of Il
three dollar sky rocket when it is touched off
and the next instant the top of his ladder be
gan to promenade along the edge of the gutter
and he felt himself moving toward mother
earth with Il speed that he had never equaled
since boy, when he ran out of an apple or
chard, in order to prevent lending the scat of
his trousers to dog that wanted to borrow it,
He hung on to the ladder with his hands, but
his feet let 60 their hold and the ladder was
wrenchcd from his grasp and then he com
menced to gyrate, and describe angles and
lines in the air and finally laid down in sixteen
different positions IN 4 snow drift with only Il
twenty-five foot ladder for Il bed spread The
crash, looked out of the lower window lust in
time to see him 90 by some two laps ahead of
the ladder, and a doctor who was Il neighbor
seeing him when he got the word $50" filled
hand sled with ackscrews and tools of differ
cnt kinds and rushed out to put him together
when he landed, but the gentleman began to
slowly move and unco and unkink himself
and spit snow from his mouth, and sneeze it
from his nose. and dig it out of his ears, and
shake if out of his clothes. and then he hunted
i'll the drift for his breath. which he had lost
and when he had found it and got it back in
hlm, the first use he made of it was to breath
solemn VOW that never would he climb heaven
ward again on ladder while he had any sense
III lis head OF dollars in his pocket, and that
the next time he fell off u ladder from the
housetop some other man would do the falling,
and that finally he would not even climb ia
cob's ladder if there was balloon anywhere
that he could charter. And then the doctor
hauled home his sled load of tools and the gen
tleman went into the house with such a don't
ask-any-questions-look on his face that the