Middletown transcript., 1883-03-16
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CHIPS.

No matter what turns up, the ponce
man is always sure to order you up
with club Yonkers Statesman.
1t is related as a singular fact that
fat men never commit crime. 1t doesn't
seem so singular when you reflect that
it is difficult for fat man to stoop to
anything low.-LoaUeU Citizen.
"Oh, yes," said an experienced ma
tron to bride, " You think you and
your husband will never quarrel, but
Just wait until it comes to naming the
first baby, then see. q Philadelphia
NelUs.
The meanest slight a girl can put
upon an admirer is to use a postal card
in refusing an offer of marriage. 1t
proves that she doesn't actually care
two cents for him. - Philadelphia
Chronicle.
The young lady who made 700 words
out of " conservatory has eloped. We
feel sorry for the young man +; it is bad
enough where one word brings on
another, but just think of one word
bringing on 700 Cincinnati Saturday
Night.
Women are called " the weaker sex, -
and yet. up to the hour Of going to
press, not ole Of her sex in this country
has shown enough intellectual weak
ness to embark in the weather prophet
business or attempt to eat sixty quail
in thirty NorriSto1on Herald.
An Oil citizen purchased a piano for
his daughter recently, and the other
day went around to the agent and
wanted to know when the "forte"
would be delivered. The piano had
arrived all right, but the forte"
hadn't tgot there yet.-OjI City Blizzard.
A merchant advertised for a clerk
who would look out for his interest.
He got one /; but isn't satisfied because
he took the trouble not only to look out
for his interest, but his principal too,
and both they and the clerk are now
missing. - WillidmSpOTt Grit.
For the sake of doing something un-
usual and being talked about, there are
men who would attempt to get up a
subscription for the relief of those who
had lame thumbs caused by the labor
Of cutting coupons from their own
government bonds.-NeoV Orleans Pic
dyane.
Prohibition item: "Wake me up,
darling, tonight, and give me toddy," !"
said an Austin inebriate to his wife, as
they were about to retire for the night.
"But how will know when you want
one ?" "You can't make mistake.
I am always thirsty when l am woke
up.''-Teras Settings.
Brandy in mince pies has been the
horror Of temperance people for twenty
years past, but recent analysis shows
that the heat evaporates the brandy
and leaves nothing but the favor
Nevertheless, it's waste Of brandy, as
nobody cares about the favor Of a
mince pie.-Detroit Free Press.
II don't want no rubbish, no fine
sentiments, if you please" said the
widow who was asked what kind of an
epitaph she desired for her late hus-
bands tombstone. "Let it be short
and simple, something like this: will
liam Johnson, aged rs years. The good
die young. Brooklyn Eagle.
While eating Blue Point oysters on
the half shell in one of the Main street
restaurants, the other night, young
mana stranger in the city-felt some
hard substance in one Of the bivalves.
Not dreaming Of such good fortune, he
carelessly removed the intruder from
his mouth, and was about to lay it
down by the side Of his plate, when he
discovered that it was pearl Of unus-
ual size. a pearl shirt button. 1t had
dropped from the cooks cuff as he was
serving the oysters. Bradford Sunday
Mail