The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1883-05-10
SPooPENDYKE's PRESS.

SpoOpendyke came home, one night bringing
a small bundle in his arms.
Its a printing press, on which | expect to
do all my pricting hereafter" he said.
.'Oh, but isn't that lovely fiuttered Mrs
SpoOpendyke, dropping the work, and rushing
to her husbands side; land can't we do the
lovelIest things with it! Is it the kind that the
Herald, aud San, and all those papers. are print
ed within
'Oh, yes, Mrs. SpOopendyke,- growled her
husband, you've hit it exactly. This is the
very kind. | got Mr.. Bennett TO kindly try it
on, as to get it the same size the II raid is
printed on
''And will y"u print papers with yours like
Mr.. Bennett and the other editors :" continued
Mrs. SpoOpendyke. timidly.
'Ob, but won't !, thought yelled her huS-
band. Ii needed dod- gasted female idiot TO
think of that you've struck the proper plan
Think ynu can print n j0Ni0 show bill with n
:lxl press Well, tell We that We can't Can
We get it into Your measly head that this is a
card press, and can only print "a card three inch
es by four inches p
ooh, it's a card press, is il Z" ventured Mrs.
SpOOpendyke; .'then We can print those beauti-
full Christmas cards IN it, can't we."
snow you've got it," yelled her husband
CHATS the idea. II prints in thirty five differ
rnt col0rS al one impression, and any design,
from the picture of an old crank. with a seal
skin overcoai l0aing around somebody's chin
nry with game-bag full of jumping Jacks Ia
the New Year, ls-:i. represented by q hump
backed baby dressed in q broad grin with a
napkin tied round his waist, driving out the
old year, dressed as an old tramp, with a mow.
ing machine and gallon jug of whiskey under
his arm. That's the idea, exactly. Think YOU
print chromoS and Autographs on il, don't
y0u! Well, you can't. ion can only print one
color. and that is black. Think you grasp it
now!
well, said Mrs. Spoopendyke. II suppose
y0u can print visiting cards on il -
''les, Mrs Spoopendyke. | can said her hus-
band, in a softer lone: and he grew in a much
better hnmnr as he proceeded to show his W life
the press. and exhibit his dcxterity in the use
"f the type and the press.
At last he got his worthy helpmeet's name set
up in type, and proceeded TO put the chase on
the press with q grand flourish. But in an evil
hour he had forgotten to key it up and at a
tOnch the whole business went to pi, and Mt the
next fell in a confused mass all over the carpet.
''Why, what makes it do that ?" said Mrs.
Spoopendykc, laughing.
what makes il do what, Mrs So sneere,l
her husband, as he hit his head on the corner Of
the table, III a mad dive after the type. "What
dye sposc makes il do it. What makes any
thing do anything: Ii | hal your talent for
asking idiotic questions Id get a glass of beer
and a three inch paper collar. and hire ont a
prosecuting attorney"
BY this time the worthy gentleman had got
her name sci up and securely fastened, and was
printing with great gusto; but he had, unfor-
tnnately. set the types in wrong order. and the
first eight perfumed visiting cards came out
like th" following:
."kyi"cpoopS .TH
When Mrs. Spoupendyke saw it, she set up u
little scream, .'Oh, isn't that funny, though !
What makes II wrong side up.r
Funny" howled her husband, with horrid
dcrision, as he grasped the situation. "Its a
perfect thuuderbolt of fun. It's the most de-
lici"usly humorous thing of the century. All
you need Is an advertisement of liver pills on
the cover. and joke about goat on the first
page, To he comic almanac With your ap-
probation Of huInOr, all you need is broad
grin and $1,000 worth of stolen diamonds, to be
the leading comedienne of the American boards.
Can't you see the measly types turned wrong
They have only got to he turned round the 9th
cr way.
After half an hour of diligent labor, the type
were again in position, securely keyed up, and
put on the press.
When the final arrangements W ere completed,
Mr.. Spoopendyke turned round TO wink ut the
baby, and incautiousy left his thumb over the
edge of the press. As luck wOuld have it, Mrs.
Sp"opendyke ia her anxiety to show her hus
band how well she understood and appreciated
the press, brought the lever down. and the press
closed nn that geutleman's thumb, making him
jump four feet high, and utter an exclamation
that would have made the second lieutenant Of
a company Of pirates blush. bod CAST the
measly printing press he shrieked, rs he
smashed the base burner with it, and then he
threw il in the alley. Haven't We got any
semsr scarcely: Why didn't We 60 on with the
entertainment The measly thing only got as
far ~ the hone. Why don't We finish the chap
tel" and Mr. SpOopendyke danced up stairs,
tive at a time, with a parting injunction to his
wife to hire out for slaughter house.
We'll, said Mrs. SpooPendyke. as she picked
up the baby, and put pitcher of water where
her husband would he sure to fal! over il when
he went down stairs in the morning, 'if We
have 81 much trouble in printing one word, ]
wonder how Mr. Bennett gets along with n
whole newspaper 10 print r'-BrookigH Eagle.