Connecticut western news., 1883-04-18
ADVERTISING RATES
WIT AND WISDOM.

lEE SSoNClullISllb CltIh WDo WIlUS5 b page of foolscap per day is supposed to be overworked and ill need of rest.
 THE rule of modern politics is, what I know I will keep, and what you get you must divide with me.
 MIR. MICAwBER never found out that a man may gape long while before bird will fall into his mouth.
 AN inquirer wants to know what a dude is. A dude, gentle sir, is one who apes style until he becomes an ape.
 A DIVISION of labor-It is said that in New York one set of thieves plunder the harbor while another set harbor the plumber.
 WE noticed very few newspaper men at Vanderbit's ball. Editorial exclu- siveness is carried to an absurd extent sometimes.
 WE are enioined by the good book to increase and multiply, but some over- zealous people go beyond this and have division in their families.
 AFTER a long discussion in the news papers it has at last been settled that if the girls mother keeps boarding house man can marry on $10 Q week.
 BE RESPECTFUL to every one, no mat ter what his or her position may be in the world. Never, for instance, ask your washerwoman where she "hangs out"
 WHEN you travel from vice to virtue you ride on corduroy road and get many bump; but when you go from virtue to vice it is just as easy as it is to slide down hill.
 THE Detroit Free Press says: "It is said that much of the recent prosperity | in the South is due to the slip-shod man. ner in which all Northern drummers play poker .'
 A BOY who will yell like Tartar if drop of water gets on his shirt band when his neck is being washed can crawl through sewer after ball and think nothing of it.
 | A NEW YORKER has been fined $500 for giving tobacco to the giraffe in Central Park. That's right; give tobacco to boys as much as you like, but don't try to poison our giraffes.
 A. WHY does one see the Councillors wife so seldom? B. She has to watch her husband. A. Watch her husband 1 Is he sickP B. No; if he was there would be no need to watch him.
 IT was Darling George" when 8 bridal couple left Omaha; it was "Dear George" at Chicago; at Detroit it was
 George" and when they reached Niagara Falls it was "Say youp THE New Bedford man who tainted away out in Montana was only brought out of the fit by placing codfsh to his nose. AS he slowly began to revive he
 murmured, "How goodl it smells just 1 like homew
 "Is THE bowling of dog always fol lowed by death?" asked little girl oi her father. "Not always, my dear, sometimes the man that shoots at the dog misses him." was the parents reply.
 How much pleasanter this world would
 be to live in were it as easy to go to bed at night as it is to remain there in the morning, and as easy to get up in the morning as it is to talk of getting up when you go to bed?
 A MAN in Boston claims to have paid only $25 for an oil painting worth $5, 900.
 This is reversing the usual order oi things. Generally. an American goes to Europe and pays $5, GOO for an oil paint ing worth only $25.
 A SooToH person said, somewhat sar-
 castically, of hard thinker, "that
 he put an enemy to his mouth to steal
 away his brains, but that the enemy,
 after thorough and protracted search,
 returned without anything" -# IT was an Ohio man who forwarded a r petition to Washington asking to be
 made Postmaster General, and claiming that he had tongue so large that he could wet more stamps at one lick than 5 any other man in the country. A NOTED physician says it is danger 5 ous to kiss any one who is fasting. Young , man, never let your girl go by restau. rant hungry on the way home from the theatre if you have the means to satisfy her natural longing for something gooc to eat.
 A FvE-YEAR-o1D who went to schoo for the first time, came home at noon 5 and said to his mother: Mamma, Q don't think that teacher knows much. - "Why not, my doar?" "Why, she kep r asking questions all the time. She asket y where the Mississippi River was." B. FRANKLIN SAYS: "Time is an herl u that cures all diseases" Franklin evi dently didn't know much about ''yarbs,
 and was not at the head of the class Ii spelling, if he was Q printer. Thyme 1
 an herb, but not being a patent medi
 cine, it will not cure all diseases.
 GENTLEMAN TO WAITER: "Bring m f. some grammatical and typographical CT ,r rors." Waiter docking puzzled at first a but recovering in q moment his usua d serenity); "We are just out of them
 sir" "Then what do you mean b A keeping them on your bill of fare P'
 IF YOU want to find logician, go
 vour tailor. The other day one of thes
 fractions of the human family was ovel
 heard to remark: "I never ask gentl,
 man for money" "But suppose h
 doesn't pay you, what then?" "Well,