The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-04-24
sP0OPENDYKE A PRINTER.
He Explains the art of Printing A Mis-
hap.

opoopehsiyke came home one night
bringing a small bundle in his arms
''lt was q printing press, on which |
expect to do all my own printing here
after, he said.
"Oh. but isn't that lovelyi" fiuttered
! Mrs Spookendyke. dropping the stork
and rushing to her husband S side, ''and
cant we do the lovliest things with it!
IL IS the kind that the Herald and San
and all those papers are printed with.
.'Oh, yes, Mrs Spoopendyke.' growl-
ed her husband, you've hit it exactly
This is the very kind. 1 got Mr.. Ben
nett to kindly try it on, so as to get it
the same size rs the Herald is printed
on -
And will You print papers with yours
i like Mr.. Bennett and the other edtors?''
continued Mrs. Spoopendyke timidly.
''Oh, but won't |, though?' yelled
her husband. '.It needed dod gasted
female idiot to think of that, you've
struck the proper plan"
/ "Ihlnk you can print 50X60 show bill
witt 3x4 press? Well, tell We that
ye can't Can ye get it into your measly
head that this is a card press, and can
only print card three inches bv four
/ inches?''
''Oh, it's card press, is it?'' ventured
Mrs. Spoopendyke; ''then we can print
| those beautiful Christmas cards on it,
| can't we?''
Now you've got it. yelled her hus-
| band, that's the idea 1t prints in
thirty-five different colors at one impress
sion, and any design, from the picture of
an old crank with n sealskin overcoat,
loating round somebody's chimney with
a game-bag full of jumping jacks, to the
New Year, 1888 represented by hump
| backed baby dressed in a broad grin,
with napkin tied round his waist, driv-
ing out the old year, dressed as an old
tramp with moving machine and gal
Ion jug of whisky under his arm. That's
| the idea, exactly Think you can print
chromos and Autographs on it, don't
you? Well, you can't You can only
print one color, and that is black |
Think YOU grasp it nowpo
''Nell, said Mrs. Spoopendyke, II
suppose you can print visiting cards on
it?''
'1es. Mas. Spoopendyke. | ean,' said
her husband in softer tone, and he |
grew in "a much better humor as he pro-
ceeded to show his. wife the. press and |
exhibit his dexterity in the use of the |
type and the press.
AT last he got his worthy helpmeets /
name set mp in type, and proceed to
put the chase on the press with a grand |
flourish. But in an evil hour he had
forgotten to key it up, and at a touch the
whole business went to pi and at the
next fell in confused mass all over the
carpet
''Why. what makes it do that said
Mrs. SpOopendvke laughing.
What makes it do what. Mrs. S. ?''
sneered her husband he hit his head
on a corner of table in a mad dive after
the type. What dye pose makes it
do it! What makes anything do any
thing? If ] had your talent for asking
idiotic questions I'd get glass of beer
and three-inch paper collar, and live
ont rs a prosecuting attorney
b. this time the worthy gentleman
had got the name set mp and securely
fastened, and was printing with great
gusto; but he had unfortunately, set the
types in wrong order, and the first eight
perfumed visiting cards came out like
the following:
.ehydnepoopS .srM
When Mrs. Spoopendyke saw it she
set up little scream, '.Oh, isn't that
funny, though? What makes it wrong
side upa t
Funny" howled her husband, with
horrid derision. as he grasped the situa-
ton. Its il perfect thunderbolt of fun.
Il = the most delicious humorous thing
of the century. All you need is an adj
yerti5ement of liver pills on the cover,
and joke about goat on the first page,
to be "A comic almaHce. With your APP /
probation of humnr, all YOU need Is |
broad grin and S3, 600 worth of stolen |
diamonds, Ia bc the leading comedienne
Of the American boards. Can't YOU sec |
the measly types turned wrong? they
have only got To- be turned round the
other way.
After half an hour of diiigent labor the
types were again in position, securely |
keyed up. aad put on the press.
When the final arrangements were
completed. Mr.. Spoopendyke turned |
round to wink mt the baby. and incau-
tiously left his thumb over the edge OF
the press As luck would have it, Mrs. |
Spoopendyke. in her anxiety to show
her husband how well she understood |
and appreciated the press, brought the
lever down and the press closed on that
gentleman 5 thumb. making him jump
four feet high, and utter an exclamation
that would have made the second ned
tenant of company of pirates blush.
bod gast the measly printing press,
lac shrieiled. as he smashed the base
burner with it, and then he threw il in
the alley. Haven't we got any sense
scarcely? Why didn't you go on with
the entertainment? The measly thing |
only got as far as the bone. Why don't |
We finish the chapter?' and Mr. Spoop-
endyke danced up stairs, five at a time,
with parting injunction to his wife to
hire out for slaughter-house.
Well said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as
she picked up the baby, and put pitch
er of water where her husband would be |
sure to fall over it when he went down
stairs in the morning, .'if we have SO
much trouble in printing one word, |
wonder how MIR. Bennett gets along with
g whole newspaper to print. stanley
Hat'ztley.