The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1883-05-11
WIT AND IIUNIOI:,

| 1t Is one of the curlosites of natural his
tory that horse enjoys his food most when
he hasn't bit In his moath. Il Burlington
Hawkeye.
"You say your brother IS younger than
YOU. yet he looks much older "Yes, he
has seen great deal of trouble; but never
married. II Boston Transcript.
"Confound the dogl" he said, an settle
his hnsh for him when / go down there to
see Kate tonight" And he proceeded TO
saturate the seat of his pants with strych-
nine.-[Burlington Hawkeye.
Europe Is treading on volcano" reads
old X, In his paper aloud. Papa, what's
Il Volcano" asked the youngest. "Why, it
Ia something to tread on, my boy."-[ Bur
lington Hawkeye.
Fogg saws that he has bottled up enough
health during the winter to last nearly
through the two weeks which he intends
spending at some health resort next sum.
mer.-[ Boston Transcript.
"Three new asylums for the insane are
to be butt at once in Indiana" We didn't
suppose that dudeism was making converts
so rapidly in that state.-[Norr. Herald.
zone touch Of nature" etc. Street preach.
er-"I now ask, brethren, what can | do to
move you in this world of wickedness?"
Array-"Send round the hat, guv.nor.
Thatll move EN-. '-[Burlington Hawk
eye.
John is a mighty mean man." said
Biggs, "he sold me tub of butter that
was strong enough to go alone; but got
rid oil 1t. l sold II to my brother; and the
best of It is got more than paid John for
it."-[Boston Transcript.
A man in California reports having seen
n rattlesnake with two legs. The fact that
1t didn't also have two heads is evidence
that the whisky might have been much
worse. But perhaps the California man
took only six drinks.-[Norr. Herald.
A teacher defining atranstive verb as one
that expresses an action which Is "passed
over" from the deer. gave for illustration,
THE dog wags his tall" Whereupon a
younstcr arose with the criticism: please,
ma am, the action don't pass over it stays
in the dog. "-[Boston Transcript.
"My home is not upon this earth" was
the pious remark of Deacon Crawford "my
mansion is in the Skies, "Well - repled
Fogg, II would not advise you to move
into IL until you find out what kind of
meighborsyou are going to have. Boston
Transcript.
Willie has i-year old sister, Mary. who
complained to mamma that her button
shoes were hurting her. "Why, Matte,
you've put them on the wrong feet Puz,
zled and ready to cry, che made answer
'What'll | do, mammal They're all the
feet I've got."-[ Harlem Times.
An Ohio physician says that the fife, flute
cornet and other wind Instruments, il play
cd vigorously, will cure weak lungs. This
may be true, but the man who tries the OK.
pertinent may meet with fatal accident
before he effects u permanent cure, unless
he resides on some isolated island in The
Pacific ocean.
Her father stood at the gate talking with
a gentleman, and the year old miss threw
out several hints about supper being ready
without success. At length, anxious and
impatient, she called out from the stoop
Papa, II you don't come right in to sup.
per, The ice.cream will all get coidr-IDe-
trot Free Press.
The other day one of Atlanta's chronic
rigpickers went into Swariz's Junk shop
with u bag full of miscellaneous RAGS To sell
Swarla looked obviously at the sack and
then exclaimed "Py chiminy gricky, vich
shell weigh -vot you got on, or vot you
got OIL ~ Then the picker rot insulted
ana went off to another shop.-Georgia Ma.
jor.
Charles Moon, OF Denver. swallowed a
live bull-frog, six inches long by
two inches across the breast, and
afterwards drank pint of whisky. The
saddest thing about the affair Is that II was
the frog that died, Almost as depressing
was one OF the papers OF the city calling the
frog swallower a full Moon" Perhaps
the word full" was amisprint for STOOL"
-[Norr. Herald.
We learn from fashion item that Il in
now the correct form to use little pompa.
dour slipper filled with white flowers, in
stead Of the proverbial old shoe, to throw
after the departing bride. From certain
legends We have read, we infer that the new
idea would be much safer than the old one
at a Chicago wedding. The bride would DO
less liable to have her skull fractured.-
tNorr. Herald.
VI tell YOU" said q man whose character
Is way down below zero, THAT IL doesn't dc
no good TO compel children to read the
Bible. When was u young kid they used
to keep me at II half the time. knew Il
all by heart aforeI was fifteen; Il don't do
q child no good, l tell yer" 1t was the un.
animous opinion Of all who knew the man
that his argument was unanswerable.
lBoston Transcript.