Seattle daily post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, W.T. [Wash.]) 1881-1888, 1883-08-18
rng wAuKRGAN nUMOsIsT.

Mr.. LAuigau, OF WaukeRAn, was
Young man about ~ years Of age, with
an unlimited belief in his own comic
powers aud tender attachment for
certain young lady. He was accustomed
~ call upon her at least four evenings
in the week, and to entertain her with
his brilliant conversation from 70 ii
O'Clock. When Spending the evening
with the object of his alteration, he
would constantly ask, % When ID jar
not a door, aud insist that the young
lady should give it up and let him fur
nish the answer. He also had . habit
Of remarking, in an apparently careless
way, thas Il was "a good day for the
race" and when the young lady, out
Of her vast charity. would ask What
rsoef'' Mr.. LaniRan would triumph
aafiv ansWsr: "The human race. Ha!
bar
The young lady was timid and gentle;
she disliked scenes Of violence and Ill
humor, and she could not bear 10 treat
a fellow. being with unkindness; but ut
Last she felt that the time for endurance
was past, and that duty to her friends
required her to suppress Mr.. Lanigan at
any cost. 10 ON "Wednesday last she
gave a birthday party. All the young
men aud young women OF WaukeRan
were invited, aud all went merry ~
marriage bell.
Encouraged by larger audience than
usual, Mr.. LaniRan opened fresh stores
of humor, and eliminated his criminal
career by displays Of amateur veLt.ilo-
Quism. When be asked the imaginary
old man in the chimney what he was
doing up there, or held idiotio con
versations with the pretended Peters.
concealed under the sofa, or quarreled
with q hypothetio Irishman In the
closet, he cast gloom over the entire
company.
Finally the ice-cream WAS announced,
and the young hostess with her own
hands pressed plate Of that soothing
compound upon the hilarious hum0rist.
That plate OF Joe cream contained NOR
phine, and the drug was swallowed
without suspicion by the doomed Lam
igan. Fifteen minutes later, or at pre-
cisely l0:l5. he was seated in an arm
chair profoundly asleep. The guests
recovered their spirits. The hum of
conversation was renewed. The dance
went on.
All would have been well had not an
ill-judged attempt been made 70 awaken
Mr.. Lanigan about midnight. The at
tempt was n failure. A wild hope that
he WAS actually dead flushed the cheeks
and brought smile 70 the lips Of more
than one Of those present; but this hope
was dashed by DR.. Cory, . leading ply
sician, who rewarded that n stomach
pump would fetch him." and therefore
went hons 70 procure that instrument,
In spite Of the remsnstranoes Of those
who implorod him not to disturb the
humorist, bat 70 quietly send the under
taker with coffin and hsArse. Never
theless the stomach pump vas brought;
Mr.. Lanigan was carried to the back
yard aud carefully pumped out. He
Vas then filed with whisly 70 counter
act tbs effects of the morphine, aud at
four o'clock In the morning be Was snfd-
cieutls recovered to be taken homo In q
whesibsrrow.
This story, whils Il furnishes tsrri-
bls warning 10 reckless hor1orista, u &C.
peciAlly valuable 70 the oppressed. Nor
phins can b. had - any drug store.
and dose largo enough for a full grown
humorist costs but few csnts. The
stomach pump need not be used. and,
in0se0, should not be. Il 10 aAid 10 in
ntos feArfdl aQouics upon . patient, and
the man must indeed be hard -heArted
Who vould pamp slumberinR humoriss
back 70 life.