The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-02-15
WIT AND HuMOR.


monds as often as actresses. They are
more careful of their precious tones
Anna Dickinson says that the lecture
platform has lost its attraction for the
people. Anna, it will be remembered,
has ceased to lecture.
A peddler called at a Philadelphia
house the other day, and asked to see
the head of the family. He was re-
ferred to the servant girl.
mo, indeed" said the widow, 81
sha'n't marry Mr.. Thug. He wants me
without encumbrances-at any rate, he
gave my boy a toy pistol yesterday"
A man who crossed the Atlantic for
the first time said he did not think he
was much of sailor at starting, but
when he was one day out he felt as if he
could heave up the anchor.
That young lady who made seven
hundred words out of ''conservatory"
last Fall has run away from home. Her
mother wanted her to make three loaves
out of flour.
Freddie Gebhardt cannot see why
people need to make fun of his spelling,
so long as he has more money than the
man who made the dictionary ever
thought of.
"Always Save Kiss for Mamma" is
the title of the latest song. In the case
of Papa, however, it would be better to
save a couple of ham sandwiches and
q bottle of beer.
& A member of the Indiana Legislature
explains the fact that on his salary of
$1,000 he had in one session saved $780,
600 by saying: s'Its all OWN to- my
wife -bein'- economical in not keepin' a
hired girl that we have saved SO much. :"
A tramp applied to a citizen for a
nickel to buy loaf of bread. Cant
YOU go into any business that is more
profitable than this?'' ''Pd like to open
a. bank, if only could get the tools, :"
was the candid reply.
A Georgia man claims to have a COW
which is 100 years old. People who
think that COWS can not attain that age
in this country have only to go south
and call for roast beef at Georgia
hotel. .vfl4s
Mrs. Partington may take back
seat. A Georgia farmer recently an
"nounced that he was about to build a
condition to his house for a ''con-
ception ROOM wherein to entertain his
guests in a hostile manner
=. A Georgia couple waited over four
years for good opportunity to elope,
and just as it came the girls father took
the young man by the hand and said:
-"Speak up to her, Thomas, know she
loves you, and I'd be-tickled to death to
have you for son-in-law."
The Boston advertiser says that ''for
a quarter of q century Mrs. Lydia
Maria Child and her husband lived
without a servant in their humble and
pleasant home in Wayland Mass" Any
thing that Mr. Child doesn't know
about building fires is useless.
When servant in the palace of the
Sultan drops $4,000 piece of bric-a-
brac and smashes it all to pieces, the
Sultan calmly shoots the servant and
efter that the others are more careful.
In this country you pay the girls wages
os usual and look around for more brio
a-brac.
At recent divorce trial the wife was
asked 8. question to which she made the
following reply: ''When l was first
married I was SO jealous of my husband
that l thought every woman l saw
wanted him, and now l wonder how
ever could have been such fool as to
have wsnted him myself"
An irrepressible student played Nine.
Modieska wicked trick the other
night. Just as Juliet amid awe-strucE
silence raised the vial to her lips he
made sound with his mouth exactly
like the uucorking of a champagne bot
.,,ta ~
laughter.
A Georgia darkey looked upon wine
when it was so red that he got to be
''roarin' fou an unco happy" Meeting
a stranger, he was about to offer him a
dram when the stranger shot at the
darky. To friend the darky said next
day: ''Doan put your flask in your hip
pocket-man shoot you when you only
goin' to 'vite him to take drink"
A very little boy was taken to the
menagerie, and was terribly frightened
at the elephant and his moving pro-
boscis. His father took him home, and
when he grew calm he asked: ''Did
God make the elephant?' Certainly.
my son." '.Well," said the little fellow,
al 'spect He was afraid of him after He
made him."
The latest mode of popping the ques-
tion was introduced by an Evansville
young man. The present cold snap
nerved him to ask his adorcd: Miranda,
do. you wish to warm your feet against
my back this Wintcr?'' And Miranda
blushed and softly murmu.ed: "It's
going to be terrible cold Winter,
John"
Il can't hold this baby any longer"
called out the young husband and
father, sits getting too heavy" ..Pshaw,
Edward replied a muffied voice from
the other room. you used to hold me
for hours and never complained, and the
baby is not a feather compared to what
was" Il was fool" said Edward,
and she was too sleepy to dispute with
him. H7Z G
A South End man set a steel trap in
his cellar to catch rats, and his mother
in-!aw got her thumb in it and it was
titten to the bone, and she yelled
bloody murder, and he had to go down
TO the cellar and bring her up. And
when he got her upstairs she just
rranced with pain and carried or
oreadfully, and he tried to console hel
and said it was too bad, but when he
left the house and got around the cor
er folks were astonished to see hin
cling TO a tree and see him 60 into {
perfect paroXysnl of mirth.
81 find, ,'nsaid an old man to q re
porter, ''that there is absolutely ne
limit to the durability of the teeth i
they are properly taken care of.
never drink hot drinks, always brush my
teeth morning and evening, avoid al
acids whatever, and, although an
sixty-five years old, my teeth are a.
good as they ever were.'' .'And that il
all you do 10 preserve your teeth, is itP'
''Yes, sir; that's all, barring, perhaps
the fact that put them in glass o
soft water nights.
Clara had been practicing one piece
for at least a month, until mamma de
clared she was perfect When she wa
asked to play for the company, sool
after, of course she had TO be pressed {
little before going to the piano, and o
course after playing her piece she hat