The Portland daily press., 1883-04-06
Wit and Wisdom.


Please, sir, gimme 10 cents tc
buy some bread?" Muggins-"Why, I gave
you 10 cents not half an hour ago. Professions
al (taking in the situation)-"Yes, sir, know,
sir, but lin terrible bread-eater. ."-Har-
ward Lampoon.
A baby was born in a cemetery at Marshal
town. Iowa, short time ago, but everywhere
can be seen babies borne to the cemetery be-
cause mothers cruelty neglect to procure DR.
Bulls Cough Syrup, sure cure for Group,
colds and coughs.
The theory that photographs cannot betaken
at might was upset the other day when thief
was marched up to the bar in Justices court
Judge-"What is the charge?' Officer
Stealing" Judge-"Stealing what?" Off
cer-"Stealing photographs Judge-"When
did he steal them?" Officer-sLast night, yer
honor" Judge-"I will discharge the priso-
ner, for 1 know that thousandso of dollars have
been wasted in the attempt to discover pro
cess whereby pictures conld be taken at night
The prisoner may go."-Carl Pretzel's
Weekly.
The Horsford Almanac and Cook Book
mailed free on application to the Rumford
Chemical Works. Providence, R. I.
Two Commercial tourists met in the depot
the other day. "Hello, Charley" says No. j,
'haven't seen you in an age. What are you
doing now?" "Oh I'm in the same old line, -
responds No. .. "With the same house?''
Eyes, same old concern, but situated little
differently" 'How is .aat?'' "Wen, I've
got an interest 'Is that so? How long
since?" "Since the first of the month" "Lei
me congratulate you" Eyes the old man
told me I'd got to take an interest in the busi-
ness this year or quit So / took the interest. y
Exchange.
No charge for professional services: A young
physician informed pretty lady patient, who
was suffering from chronic sore throat, that
the only cure for it was beard. 'Thats of
no interest to me-" she replied. s'I'ye got nc
beard" "True,' he replied, gallantly; "but
YOU can use mine as often as you want to -
They were married a few months later
Brooklyn Eagle.
Sanford's Ginger, the delicious.
Miss Netherblew-"WilI you advise me as to
printing and publishing, Mr.. Sterreogh? /
have little work ready for the press, but have
had no experience" Gallant publisher
my dear madam, printing and publishing are
very different things For instance, II print
kiss on your iosy cheek it is not at all neces-
sary to publish it." Miss Netherblew-"Sirl"
Tableaui-London Punch.
The George Washington of Massachusetts: A
small boy in one of the public schools being
asked by the speaker who was about to address
them on the life of Washington. pointing to his
portrait, Whose picture is .that?'' immediate
~ replied, "Ben Butler boston Transcript
The great sale of Swedish Remediesls aston
ishing, and for enriching the blood, creating
an appetite, or strengthening the whole system
nothing can surpass these remedies.
Scene in Chicago shoe store: "What size?p
"Two's, please" An interval OF hard work.
'Do you want pair Of shoes, miss, or only
one?' "a pair of course" '.Ahi yes, see;
twice two are four; John, stretch pair of No.
CATERS, Rochester Post-Express.
An effective medicine for kidney diseases,
low fevers and nervous prostration, and well
worthy OF a trial, is Browns Iron Bitters
Rough: Charlie We're de We're (sententious-
ly)-"Geniuses, my dear Miss Marlborough, are
men who just miss being fools, and fools are
men who just miss being geniuses" Miss MARI
borough (awe-struck) What original things
you say, Mr.. We're de Verel I sometimes think
that you are almost genius "-Harvard
Lampoop.
In the Hop Plaster arc united the virtues Of
Fresh Hops and the strengthening and stimu.
latiDg balsams, and its cures Of Weak Back
Pain in the Side, Rheumatism and Neuraloia
on Pain in the Chest are simply marvellous it
being more efficacious and thorough than any
liniment or liquid remedies. You'll say so
after using
In the way of precedent: Poet-"But, my
dear sir, it is now four years since you accepted
my epic and no steps have yet been taken to
publish it," Publisher-"Don't be in hurry,
young man. Homer had to wait more than