Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1883-03-15
THE SECRET OUT.
Wiqgins Gives His Weather For.
mula Away.
Hoping That the Lesser Lights viii ex-
plain the Process to the Benighted Peo-
ple-An Unbelieyer Says
the Prophet
STOLE FROM ZADKIEL'S ALMANAC
Special Grape. IIiine telegram.

went to the grocery kept by the great
storm smeller, E. Stone Virgins, IL. D.,
n. G., etc. The front of that establishment
was o-namented with small boards, on
which were stencilled such legends as
Fresh Butter" "Cider Vinegar" Eggs"
etc. The opening of the door rang little
bell, the nervous ding-a.lingling Of which
brought the professor out of the rear apart
ment. He quietly walked around behind
the counter, carefully brushing his hands
together to remove the sand from them.
He had Just opened new barrel of sugar,
and was ballasting it so that in the event Of
another storm it wouldn't blow away, or il
the next tidal wave should
submerge the Dominion
that it wouldn't all melt. Radiant smiles
played fox and geese over the image OF the
mighty weather sharp as he looked
through his spectacles at one whom he
took to be q new customer, and he was no
doubt mentally fore casting the size Of the
bill l would run and the probability
that would pay up promptly, when /
broke the silence by explaining my mis-
sion, asking him in the name Of suffering
humanity and speaker Keifer to make
known his method OF predicting storms or
in other words tell how ne
TumbIed to the Racket
that there would be windy weather in the
month of March. This" said the seer sis
a secret known to me alone, and give it
away only to those who buy pound OF
tea," Not wanting the tea, but painting for
the secret, / bought five cents worth of
tobies, and when the professor had put
away the box he scratched the left corner
of his weather eye and said "Well, when
preacher did when he told the congregation
that laughed at his failure in the pulpit,
that if any of them thought they could do
any better to come up and try it. In max.
ing public my method of prognostication |
say 10 the unbelieving masses, take my
rules and see if you can do any better"
The Secret Ont.
This Storm" said he, Satisfies me that
the theory of the opposite tide which ad-
vanced in 1864 is correct, namely, that it Is
caused by the vibratory motion OF the
ocean from east to west. II you will look
at terrestrial globe and seelthe peculiar
position of the Gulf Of Mexico and the ten.
dency of Cape st. ROGUE to glance north
ward, the tides moving west, you will not
wonder at my alarm when observing that
the moons forces have been increased to
the greatest possible extent, and that, too,
when she is fastening with
the other planets from south to
north across the equator, This was e1-
actly the condition of things during this
storm, and only one element was lacking TO
have made this terrible affair for the peo-
pie OF America. For mark it WELL il the
moons conjunction with the sun had taken
place at o'clock on the meridian OF Lon
don, instead of 4 o'clock in the morn.
ing, London time-in other words, II
the conjunction had taken place over
the Gulf of Guinea instead OF the
China Seattle whole American coast,
granting her to have been, as she was, in
perigee, would nave been put under water.
A time will come when this will take
place, and should Venus and Mercury hap
pen at that moment to be at their inferior
conjunction and Jupiter, Mars and Saturn
at the superior conjunction, the breakers
will roar in the streets of New York city,
and Florida will be under water. All as.
trcnomers, from the Astronomer Royal
down, will please make this explanation to
show scientific men that my system OF fore.
telling storms is not only founded on sci.
ence, but on the earth and heavenly
bodies
A Danger Signal.
Having received this precious formula, /
walked out, but had not gone far before
met man who looked like he might have
come TO see the prophet, on special mis-
sion as avenger of the Gloucester fisher
men and other deluded people. Hoping
to prolong the life Of Virgins, few mo-
ments at least, detained the man with the
Cyclone in his eye by saluting him and Of
fering him a toby, knowing that if any
thing could cause the tidal wave OF his
wrath to ebb, few puifs OF that tosy
would. ! then asked him what he knew
about Virgins and kis prediction. He
said:
Stolen Thunder.
"You have read Z1dkiefs Almanac for
1883? No! Then OF course you have not
seen where
His Knayery
comes in. Zadkiel, who is one OF the most
infamous pretended astrologers OF the age,
in one OF his weather predictions for
March, saws: STORMY weather will prevail
at the beginning OF this month, particular
ly about the 18th, when mariners are
warned to look out for squalls; high tides
atout the 9th will do great damage; 10th
to 18th, tempestuous period. Further
down the page in his incendiary voice OF
the stars he says: The rare aspect OF the
trine OF Saturn and Uranus is formed on
the 10th OF this month, and comedies with
the sun in opposition to Uranus and in
square with Jupiter. A very stormy per
iod may therefore be anticipated, physi-
cally and politically"
What has all this to do with Virgins"
inquired.
"Do you not see? Zadkiel's almanac was
issued some time before the present year
began, and Virgins doleful almanac did
net appear until the last OF January. It Is
clear to my mind that Virgins waited for
Zadkiel's predictions, and then he. ad-
vanced the date one day and claimed the
forecast for his own. He has no meteoro.
logical knowledge, and therefore dare not
gel up a storm at venture; 50 he has
stolen the thunder OF the Englishmsn."
Startled at having struck such an area OF
information, forgot to entreat the man TO
spare the prophet, and offering him my
last cigar went on.