Connecticut western news., 1883-12-19
WIT AND WISDOM.

AAuoU AuNO
 POLITICAL pressure always smells of a poor brand of whisky and a bad grade of plug tobacco.
 IT was Cato who said, Che had rather people should inquire why he had not a statue erected to his memory, than why he had"
 "TRA1N up a child in the new way he should go," and when he gets old enough he will go-after the girls. Herald.
 THE best pen wiper is @ piece of an old kid glove. No lint sticks to the pen, as is very apt to be the case when the coat-tail is used.
 A YOUNG lady of Anderson, s. C., de- clined an offer of marriage on the ground that her father already had too large family to support.
 IN New York they are gathering shells by the river. The trouble is. the shells have another mans oysters in them. Hence the oyster war.
 THE Pullman Gar Company have 13,- GOO blankets. If you don't believe this give the porter fifty cents on cold night and he will show you one. WHEN your friend is married, put your good wishes into the shape of an old English saying: "One year of joy, another of comfort, and all the rest of content"
 | A TORONTO man waited until he was eighty three years old before he got married. That's like running three miles to get good start for a fourteen inch jump.
 "PAPA," said a Harlem boy, ''do goats give milk?" "Yes, Tommy" "And a goat is butter, isn't it? ?" "Yes, my son." "Well, then, isn't goats milk buttermilk ?'
 Or course the bonanza kings want to shake the wives of their youths and marry others. You see it takes one kind of wife to help make 8 fortune; an- other to help spend it.
 "OLD-MAN-AFRAID-o -oF-NoTHNG" is the name of a recently civilized Indian in Montana but as he has since married white woman, he thinks of sending in petition to have his name changed.
 INQUIRER "What is the origin of the expression 'dog-trot'?'' ANS. It was originally applied, we believe, to the gait adopted by lovers when returning home from houses where canine was kept.
 A YOUNG man out in Waupun, Wis, organized an accordion corps. At last accounts he was still half mile ahead of the inhabitants, but things looked quite encouraging, as he was very much out of breath.
 "No, WILLIAM" she mournfJllly ut tered, still allowing him to retain her hand. "No, William, I cannot marry you. don't believe you can provide a wife with butter upon your present sal ary, and can't eat oleomargarine."
 "A BRAVE man carves out his own for = tune," says some philosopher. He does and no mistake But let the same brave man attempt to carve turkey, and he'll get left, unless he has learned the trade through a seven years apprenticeship.
 A YouNe lady was relating how an angry COW chased her and how narrowl she escaped with her life. "And weren' you terribly frightened? ?" was the gen eral exclamation. "No; simply little cowed, that's all. Philadelphia CaU
 WE met young married man and asked him how he was pleased with his change in life. He took long breath and turned his eyes up as if trying to think of some expressive word, and then said: "Oh, sir, wouldn't take mil lion dollars for myself.
 ''IF at any time you desire the wind to change suddenly" says the Whitehall Tunes, "take pan of ashes, go into the back yard, and facing the direction that you desire the wind to blow from, quickly empty your pan. All who have ever tried this rule have never found it to fail."
 "YEs," said the farmer, "that COW is badly hurt and wouldn't bring $5. But I shall get more for her. A party of swell city fellows are coming down here to hunt, and shall put her up in the scrub pine lot and tell them deer abound up there. Oh, she's as good as sold for $5O."
 "CAN you tell me what sort of weather we may expect next month ?" wrote a farmer to the editor of his country paper, and the editor replied as follows: "lt is my belief that the weather next month will be very like your subscription bill. " The farmer wondered for an hour what the editor wus driving at, when he hap pened to think of the word ''unsettled.' He sent postal note.
 "Now, JoHN," said father to his bashful son, cit is about time that you got married and settled down ill 8 home of your own." "But don't know any girls to get married to, whined John. sLook about and get acquainted with some that is the way I did when I was young. How do you suppose that I ever got married ?" inquired the old gentle man. "Well," said John, pitifully, "you married mother, and I've got to marry strange girl"
 STAY THERE.-An eccentric farmer