Connecticut western news., 1883-03-21

very SOWl out Ol ule. l Sttt St1ll, DeCuuoo the murdering thafe held me down with his knee, and the gripe of his iron in my lug. He then gave an awful pull, hard enough to wiring a wet blanket as dry as gunpowder. Didn't I think the day of judgment was come till me? Didn't see the red fire of the pit?
 "I felt my head fly off my showders, and looking up saw something in the docthur's wrenching-iron. Is that my head you've got there, says I. No, it's only yer tooth, he made answer. May be it is, says I, as my eyes began to open, and by putting my hand up, found the outside of my face on, though l felt as if all the inside had been hauled out. I had taken dollar to pay for the opera tion, but thought I'd just ax him the price; so I says, 'docthur, how much may ye ax beside the trouble?' Fifty cents,' says he. Fifty cents :! says 'srre I've not been submitting three days to that tyrant of @ tooth for fifty cents. Troth, this same teeth pulling is not 50 very expensive. and I'm much obleeged till ye docthur.
 WOULD NEVER MARRY.
 "Mrs. Flapjack, your husband has been dead several years. Do you never think of marrying again ?" asked a Texas legislator of his landlady, a very attractive widow, who keeps an Austin boarding house.
 "No, sir, do not. None of us know what trouble is in store for us in the fu- ture, but if I should be a widow ten times over should never marry again."
 The legislator sighed, and said he would not, either, under the circum- stances.
 When the widow gets to talking about matrimony, she becomes excited, and does not pay attention to what she says. -Ieras SJtings. NOT PLEASANT.
 "Are your domestic relations agree- able ?" asked judge of a colored witt ness.
 "What's dat conjunction, boss ?'
 ''I ask, are your family ties pleasant?"
 "Wall, no, sah. When a oman ties man when he's drunk an whips him till he's sober, I doan' think dat it's pleas ant, sah. ."-Arkansas 1raUeter. AN ENGLISH PoRTER's PET JOKE. I happened to be at Bretchley Junc- tion on the London and Northwestern when the train from Oxford came in on one side and that from Cambridge on the other, writes @ London correspond ent of the Detroit Free Press. A great many people were waiting for the main liner going north. Presently train ap- peared up the line.
 "Does that train stop at Rugby ?" I, asked porter.
 "It do," he answered. "But take my advice; don't go by that train" There was no time for explanation, but as saw everybody else preparing to get aboard, grasped my valise and stood ready with the rest. Suddenly there was momentary glitter of car riages, quick roar like thunder, and the train sped like an arrow through the station and was soon out of sight downs the line. None of us got on. We all felt giddy and staggered back.
 "Believe me ?" said the porter giving me a friendly nudge with his elbow, 'I've been at this junction ten years, and I see more people change their minds about getting on that train than any other on the line."
 | HE WANTS TO KNOW, YOU KNOW.
 Jacob Frish, of the Third Ohio Cav- airy, applied for pension, his claim be- ing that he had hand-to-hand fight with his sabre for five miles on the 3d of July, 1863, during which he was severely hacked, also shot in the leg. The apph- cation fell into the hands of very criti- cal examiner, who returned it with the following indorsement: '"The claimant is required to state under oath, what
 caused him to get into @ fight with his
 sabre; what kind of sabre was it he got
 into fight with; how he happened to have a hand-to- hand fight with it; whether there were any witnesses pres- ent during the fight; how he managed to get shot while fighting with his sabre whether it was shooting sabre; whether he believes the sabre shot him; whether it shot anybody else; whether he shot 1t; how many shots were fired; who fired the first shot; whether the soldier was in the habit of fighting his sabre; how long time he fought it, and whether he had ever fought any other sabre. II , should be shown by competent testl' 7 mony whether the soldier shot the sabre
 or the sabre shot the soldier. It should 3 also be shown whether they fought fol the distance of five miles apart or tho sabre was five miles long," HE PROMISED.
 A prisoner for the Work House from
 the western part of the State, the Detro"
 Free Press tells us, arrived here the v other day accompanied by his wife, ano
 as she parted with him at the depot she ; said:
 ; "Now, Henry, two years will soon pass , away"
 , ''Yes, Katie"
 "I hope this will be @ great lesson tc you."
 "T think it will" 5 "You are going to reform?" sI am, that"
 "I'm so glad to hear you say SO. , s'Now, then, promise me that for tho two years you won't drink, smoke, gam | | l. |, a1r0 hQn(