The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-06-27
COMIC COMMENTS.

Hard upon herself: G---has been
married six months. His mother-in-law
rings, enters and embraces her son-in- law.
Then taking him by the hand she says, II
wish you everything that you desire"
You are very hard upon yourself" replied
G--.-From the French.
Study of Greek: Mr.. Froude, in the
course of recent lecture, stated that Cato
did not begin to learn the Greek language
until he was eighty -four years of age. The
boys of to-day tell their fathers that they are
anxious to follow the example of Cato
SomerOilIe Journal.
Easily settled Scene, Custom House
time, II M. First officer" Something
must be done by Congress to reduce our
surplus revenue" Second officer" Why
don't they increase the salaries of Custom
House officials and not make such a pother
about it ?"-Boston Journal
Exercise "Fact is" said the physi-
clan, "you don't take enough exercise. y
Don't take enough exercise! !" exclaimed
the patient in establishment. "Why, doc
tor, belong to the Episcopal Church and
attend service every Sunday. For heavens
sake, what more would you have 2"-Boston
Transcript.
Remedy worse than the disease ::
Patient--"Ah, doctor, I am not well. ="
Doctor" That doesn't astonish me in the
slightest. Your ill health is the result of
going out to parties aud late suppers. If
you desire to regain your health you must
renounce such habits" Patient" Yes ;
but then, doctor, what is there to live for?"
The Judge.
Too suggestive: They were passing
through the Natural History Museum and
were about entering one of the rooms de-
voted to ornitholugical specimens when one
of them stepped back with look of horror
III his yisage. "oa, don't go in there /" he
exclaimed. Why, what's the matter ?"
asked the other "Matter those bills they
send cold shudder through me !"-Boston
Transcript
Why Hobson objected: "Hobson,"
said Muggins, 81 they tell me you've taken
your BOY away from the Graded School.
What's that for ?" "Cause," said Hobsou,
81 the master amt fit to teach 'em." "Oh,"
said Muggins, "Pye heard he's very good
master" eWell,n replied Hobson, apollo
getically, call knows is he wanted to teach
my boy to spell Eaters with a 'p.'"-Neu
Bernei n. e. Journal.
Quite fresh: company of gentleman,
who were dining at an inn, inquired if the
turkey which was served to them was fresh.
" Fresh, is it ?" said the Irish waiter, jaun-
tily. Faith, it's not six hours since that
turkey was walking around on his own rale
estate, with his hands in his pockets, never
draining what an urgent invitation he'd
have TO jine you gintlemen at dinner
Detroit Post and Tribune
"A zee in rosebud. Arthur Crayon-
Miss Rosebud, I have brought little
picture which | painted especially for you.
1t has proved u very pleasant task during
the month that have worked on it." Pinky
Rosebud" Oh, thanks, Mr.. Crayon, YOU
are very kind, bat | am afraid that l must
return the frame, as mother never allows me
to accept presents of any value from gentle
men. Columbia Spectator.
One college papers hit at another: A
ripper entered blacksmiths shop one day,
and feeling rather empty, began TO forage
for lunch At length, seeing file, he went
up TO it and commenced biting at it.
g Ghaw away, old bird, !" said the file, "you
won't make much out of me; I'm Singer
myself, am" The viper, refusing to take
warning, however, kept on his repast until
be had completely swallowed the file. He
had no sooner done SO than he curled up his
legs and died, and no wonder-he had eaten
a file of the Nassau Ln-Acta Colum6iand.
"A Detroit joke in Scotch dress Scene
Paisley railway station; Glasgow train
about to start; old lady comes rushing up
to the carriage window: Old lady" LIS
this o smoking compartment 2" Jocular
young Irishman Gnside)-" Come IN,
mann; ye can have yer smoke here; no.
body'll interfere wild ye." Old lady (indig-
nantly)-"I asked you if this was smok-
ing compartment, sr?" Jocular young
Trishman-"I 1t is not, ma'am, but yer well
come to smoke as long MS you place; there's
nobody here but clergyman an mesilf an
we won't say word. y Glasgow Baiae.
"A crusader: Some Austin amateurs
recently got up theatrical performance
called the "Captive Crusader" Gus De
Smith and Kosiusko Murphy took leading
parts. Between the acts, behind the scenes,
Murphy, who was the Captive Crusader,
begged Gus to lend him quarter. :" How
much? ?" "Only quarter" Cant think
of it. You know well enough that in the
next act have to raise ransom of one
hundred thousand piasters to pay the Sultan
before l will be allowed to return to Jerusa-
lem" "That settles it." responded Murphy,
gloomily Tcrax SJ5ings.