The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1883-12-16

Mkbs SHoDDI pal1 $oUU TOT sc OLD
fashioned Dutch clock. supposed to b,
several hundred years old, and her joy in
gloating over her treasure was only sur
passed by her chagrin q few days later,
when she discovered, inside, the address
Of the maker in New York.
a GREAT and scientific writer SAYS the
billiousA mericsn is lot the man he was SO
years sgo. We should say rot. What
do you suppose do tors are for? An NJ.
D. who cannot kill bilious pstien. in
fifty years, should be compelled to take
in his single.
THAT FELLOW jerk has played me o
We y mean and contemplate trick" said
Mr.. Shingleloose at the breakfast table,
the other morning. What has he
done. my dear?" cooed Mrs. Single
loose. in fishing form ney- to- buy. a.
new-hst-with tones. Nothing tina,
would interest you; but I'll get even with
him, the dastarc; I'll make him sick"
"But you will not do anything rasn. my
dear-promise me that you will not"
shrieked the wife Of his bosom. "I
tell you my revenge shall be swift. GER
tain and sure. I'll not murder him-I'li
not do that; but my revenge shall assume
= more terrible shape than thst-I'll
write poem about himw
A CALIFORNIA saloon-keeper recently
discharged his barkeeper because he
found out that his right name was Jsy
Gould. He said The reason he did so Was
because he was afraid that in q couple Of
weeks he would be compelled to change
places with him.
A NOTICE of certain lecturer states
that "he always carries his audience with
him." If the plan we're generally adopt
ed throughout the county the audiences
might be larger.
REPRESENTATIVE SPRINGER lately
said to st. Louis reporter: 81 have not
dropped from the speakership contest. !"
-Texss &ftin0s. It would be int, es'ina
to know just what he says now.
IT COST $500 to kiss q schoclmA'sm in
Indiana, and she wasn't very pretty,
either. Who says that our school teach>
ers are underpsid2
THE COUNTRY ia flooded with self
cooking pistols, self,feeding stoves, and
any nun Der Of other Inventions calcu-
lated to save labor, but there is yet for
tune lying in wait for MAJ who will
invent q 'sself-raising mortgage"
ALoNDoN paper says, ''The Princess
of Wales has won two millinery yicto-
res this year" 1t is good thing to have
one member of he family who can win
something: it is sail that the Prince gen.
orally loses.
INaERsoLL SAYS ''the hardest thing to
endure is SUCCESS" Persons WHO are IA
miliar with r. G.'s bank account seem
to think he endures i. very well-very
well, indeed.
THERE Is nothing like leatber"-ex-
cept tie average boarding house beef
steak.
A NEW JERSEY bartender recently
dropped dead while dealing out liquor,
and ell the truly good prohibitionists said
it was "s judgment of God" A week
after a minister was run over and killed
while on his way to church 10 prelch,
and the same people passed resolutions 10
the effect that IL bad pleased an sll. wise
Creator to cali him hence for noble
purpose" Some people are nothing if
not consistent.
OSCAR WILDE denies the statement
that he intends to run for Parliament on
the Parnell ticket. This will be cheering
news for Parliament.
IT HAS been ascertained, or at least
given out, that the new steel cruisers
built by the government, have one good
point: They can easily be repaired.
Who says our navy is good for nothing?
THERE ARE men who drink because
they like it; others because it is :1e3i-
cine; ard hosts with different ideas il re-
gard to rum. But the meanest and most
contemptible Of all, is the one who holds
up bis hands in holy horror at the sight
of man coming out CT q saloon on Sat-
urday, and then sneaks behind drug
gist'a prescription case On Sunday.
Low Business.
The depth of degradtion to which
q man who drinks to excess and is
always "broke" will descend, has