New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-02
WIT AND HUMOR.
A fine man--fhe mapistrate

A well-regulated air-pump never SUI
fers from exhaustion.
Store porters ought to make stalwart
pugllists for they are all boxers.
s. The man who lends his influence
generally expects big interest on the
loan.
The flash. young woman is like a
potato because she is SO easily and so
often mashed.
A hermit who dug himself hole in y
hill for a house said he lived in a bored
in house.
"Why is young man like kernel
Of corn?' asked a young lady. BE
cause said another, she turns white
when he pops
The prowess of the mule grows apace.
A skillful kicking hybrid in Indiana
kicked two men at one ''go,' and Sc
riously injured both.
The astronomers are discussing the
great red spot on the face of Jupiter.
None of them seem to think it may be a
carbuncle.
Does the man at the telephone hear
the real voice Of the party at the other
end OF the string, or is it a sort of hello
cination? 7. S.-Answer by telephone.
Jay Gould will start soon on two
years trip around the world. If he likes
the looks Of the terrestrial ball, he may
buy it.
A lover may be publicly described as
a man who, in his anxiety to obtain
possession of another, has lost possession
of himself
"Water is beginning to reach some of
the higher levels in the CITY," Rams
dell Before Breakfast Good Lordy!
How did it taste to you?
An exploring exchange declares:
.'Ihis country spends eighty thousand
dollars every year on dolls eyes Alone
This eye-doll-atry is little girlish.
The railroad authorities put up the
signs ''keep off the railroad track" and
go right ahead doing all they can to Sc
cure passengers DO they want people
to travel on a steamboat?
Moscow will furnish some 10000
beers to celebrate the coronation of the
Car. The nihilists may not set up quite
SO many biers, but there will be good
deal more ''body'' to them.
The compilation of the baseball
schedule is said to require as much fig-
uring as the compilation of nautical
almanac. This reminds us that people
always work hardest when they play
Lime Kiln philosophy - "Gem'len,
it am de nose attached to de emptiest
head which makes de moas sound when
you blow it. Let your life consist of
ackshuns instead of reverberashuns"
The late styles of wall paper are so
gorgeous that a family can no longer
take comfort wearing out old boots and
split-back vests around the house.
Everybody sort o. feels as if he was
away on visit.
A man ordered q five-cent plate of
hash in q cheap restaurant, and sneezed
violently just before devouring it. He
explained his conduct by saying that the
hash SO forcibly suggested a 'cat-chew''
that he couldn't help sneezing.
A correspondent wants to know why
50 much valuable time should be wasted
in looking for ''Number One" when in
either division of the city far more
deadly assassins can easily be found
the clearinghouse keepers.
The diamonds worn by New York
bartenders are said to be worth $780,
900. The Philadelphia News remarks
that the carbuncles worn on the
noses of New York bar patrons probably
cost about $5,000,O0O.
"No, SIR" she said, with emphasis on
the sir, "my husband won't be cam
didate for the legislature next year. He
has learned moro deviltry during the
few weeks he has been in Boston than
ever before in all his born days.
A lady of experience observes that q
good way to pick out husband is to see
how patiently the man waits for dinner
when it is behind time Her husband
remarks that a good way to pick out
wife is to see whether the woman has
dinner ready in time.
In Wisconsin town where roller
skating is one of the most popular of
amusements, the young people have
petitioned the proprietors Of the rink to
pad the floor of the hall. The popularity
OF the amusement must be much greater
than the skill with which it is practiced.
A series Of experiments on muscular
pressure at John Hopkins University
shows that small ladies shake hands
with more vigor than large, and the
pressure of men is to that Of women as
3 is to 5. This is believed to extend to
kissing.
A Chicago genius makes beautiful
jellies from pumpkin and apple and
banana Feelings, and just as soon as he
can make corn-cob pass for dough-
nut he will have accomplished all that
can be asked of one man, says the De-
troit Free Press
An impatient Kentucky coroner did
not wait to examine the body of the man
whom he supposed to be dead, but i'm
mediately impaneled jury and began
proceedings which came to sudden end
when the corpse sat up and said: MAY
it please your Honor, feel that I have
a right to voice in these proceedings"
A Michigan justice who held four in
quests over the jawbone of COW and
concluded that it must have belonged to
woman who had disappeared ten years
before must be related to the Chicago
justice who kept on hand and on ice the
body OF an infant upon whom he used to
''inquest" whenever other 'stiffs'' were
scarce.
A lady with fatal squirt came once
10 a fashionable artist for her portrait.
He looked at her and she looked at him, !
and both were embarrassed. He spoke !
first: 'Wouldn't your ladyship permit
me- he said, ''to take the portrait in
profile? There is acertain shyness about
one of your ladyship's eyes which is as
difficult in art as it is fascinating in
nature"
What's them things, maj" asked a
little girl at the table the other day.