Connecticut western news., 1883-05-16
WIT AND WISDOM.


 have an aim.
 AN Irish jig-dancer was refused em- ployment on railroad because the manager thought there might be a break down.
 "T WOULDN'T mind going up so high, said the hotel guest, "if the bill was not made out in the same way"
 CzARprNE says, "I don't want my son, Henry. to learn type settin', for the boys would call him 'settin' Hen.
 GIT IS BETTER to have love and lost," and advertised for the missing article than to have never patronized good local paper.
 A CHICAGO man has composed piece called Full of Joy Galop." The pie ture on the cover represents man danc- ing with another mans wife.
 SOME one wants to know why Nilsson announces every concert she gives in Boston as farewell" Because she does fare well, every time.
 A FRENCH thief offered New York detective SIG, ,OO0 to let him go, but was taken to prison all the same. New York detectives don't understand French.
 IT IS SAID that eff you play on an ac- cordeon near an oyster, the oyster will open its she'll" Whether this is because it wants to listen or is looking for chance to escape, is not known.
 THE San Francisco CaU has delicate way of putting things. In speaking of the troubles of deceased gentleman, 1t says :-" His rowing inclinations induced him to borrow Government mule"
 "CAN you tell me-" asked Twistem, the difference between nay cook, this morning, and a passenger on new rail- road?" One was bakin' shad and the other was shaken bad.
 l HE stood before her holding both her hands in his, and he asked softly, "Why am like railroad train ?" Because you never get anything to eat !" ''No, my own, it is because hold two-wrists. "
 A LITTLE boy went to his first tea par ty when four years and three months l OlO. OpOu uOStOoo uohlA6 AO" he liked his tea, he replied, {" It is very nice, but it tastes very much of the water."
 "OH, dear !" exclaimed Edith to her doll, "I do wish you would sit still. I never saw such an uneasy thing in my life. Why don't you act like grown people, and be still and stupid for while?'
 A LIQUOR SELLER presented his bill to the executor of 0 deceased customers estate, asking, "Do you wish my bill sworn to?" "No," said the executor; "the death of the deceased is sufficient evidence that he had the liquor"
 "TM so bothered" said husband to his wife, "that I'm clear out of my head" "Wel I'm glad to hear it, {" she answered, "for may be your head will be of some service, if you are out of it."
 SAID a student of one college to friend who was attending rival institution: "Your college never turns out gentle men," "No," was the reply. "Our col lege allows gentlemen to go right on and graduate.
 "PooR fellow, he died in poverty, " said a man of person lately deceased. "That isn't anything" exclaimed seedy by stander. "Dying in poverty is no hard ship. It's living in poverty that puts the thumb-screw on fellow"
 A GERMAN professor thinks that states lead to shortsightedness in school chI- dren. A saloon-keeper down town thinks states similarly affect some of his customers. He says when he puts their drinks ''on the slate" they immediately lose sight of the fact, and their memory also becomes impaired.
 s'THEY had quite an exciting search for lunatic down at your shop yester- day morning" said one of the boys to young Brown; did you see it Y NO, said Brownie. "I was in Boston yes'dy mawnin'." "Oh," said his companion, ..that accounts for the failure of the , searching party"
 } AN old colored preacher in Atlanta, ! Georgia, was featuring Q youth of his ] fold about the sin of dancing, when the l latter protested that the Bible plainly
 said: "There is a time to dance. "Yes, , dar am a time to dance," said the dark 3 divine, "and it's when a boy gifts 5 whippin' for going to ball" 3 "YEs, BRETHREN, said preacher from l his pulpit, "you are the passengers on 7 train speeding it's straight and narrow , way to glory, and I am the conductor of l that train, thank the Lord" "You run r her first class, should say" remarked n @ stranger, looking over the congrega- V ton, "from the number of sleepers you're hauling"
 FooTpAps on dark street: "Hold ur
 your hands !" Victim-"All right; but
 what do you want?' "Yor watch and
 money" "Yes, of course; but, beg par :, don. you don't recognize me; the plumber s took down that next street q few minutes y ago; am an editor; and" "Here r. take this quarter to buy lunch Of cheese o and something warming, and go aoou e your business. e "MARY didn't tell you to come int y the house half an hour ago ?" Yes 1T maam," responded the little disobedi g ent. And didn't you say you woul' It mind ?" continued the mother. Yes 10 ma'am. I was coming in but I-- l. ''But you disobeyed me, child" "Oh It no, mamma" exclaimed the little one