The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-01-03
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Wednesday, Jan. 3, I 1888.
COMIC COMMENTS.

n
The latest: "Please hang up" is the
polite telephone for Hold your tongue,''---
Neao Mexican.
An old feud The feeling between
ague and quinine is exceedingly bitter
Breckenridge Nesos.
Joke from Georgia Say, for instance.
dog loses his paw, and rooster loses his
nav, does it make orphans of them ?--Mon-
tezuma Weekly.
"A victim Upon modest grayestone
in yincennes Cemetery appears this plain
i've legend: I" His neighbor played tho
et"-C Chicago Cheek. 3a g. S.
"A troublesome belle: SILENCE that
dreadful BELLE" said spicer, as the beauty Of
the hotel yowled an operate air in the par
lor-BtFon Commercial Baaetia. s al 4
No longer new: sleep-walking used to
be corsidered strange thing, but since po-
fcemen do it and draw pay at the same
limo the novelty has worn off. Detroit Free
Pg<ss.
Political: Government official" Pat
rex, were you minor when you landed in
America n Candidate for naturalization :
sNo, your honor, | was a bricklayer. y
Hartford Times
Observation respecting a style: The
ashton of short sleeves never made pretty
,rms, but it is more than probable that pref
ty arms made short sleeves fashionable. -
Neso Orleans PicagaRe. N@
Tit for tat: Said railroad engineer to
an Irishman, whose COW had been killed
But she didn't get out of the way when
ang the belln Faith, thin," said Pat,
''ye didn't stop when she rang her bell,
nayther. "--Hotel Nail ltiA
Sympathy How are your said
Fogg, greeting Brown, BROWN Not very
well; I'm just alive" Fogg-" I'm sorry
to hear it." Brown would give something
handsome to know just what Fogg was sor-
ty for--B0stoa Transcript.
As good as his bond s'How's shut
tie? What's his reputation on the street ~
inquired an anxious broker. s"Shuttle
Why, his word is as good as his bond !
"And what's his bond worth pro-" About
shree cents on dollar "--Bostoa Globe
Consideration "A dog" says the Ho-
tel Mai1, should never, under any circum-
stances, be allowed in the dining room.'
OF course not. Think what shock it would
be to the poor things sensibilities should hi
suddenly recognize the remains Of an ole
friend in the fried sausages. Boston Tran
eript.
Great invention An Alabama man III
vented patent tail for cows, which woult
knock the flies into the middle of next sum
mer, and the first time it hit the man who
was milking il loosened four teeth for him
md took the hide all off bis nose. They
hadn't thought of that part of it. - Boston
Post
An amendment: A reporter interview
ed prize fat woman whose weight is 72t
pounds When asked, !" Do You still CLAIM
to be the largest fat woman in the world y
she frigidly replied Excuse me, sir, bu
do not recognize the title. l am said to be
the largest large lady on exhibition. "-Har
ford Times. ssssgrss.-
-Beauty's biunder: '.ifave You no low
for the beautiful, then n queried she, in
winsone tones. N-n-o but think shonli
have, if ] only dared' Have courage
young man. "Oh, wasn't thinking Of
you at ALL T." But she hustled out o.
the room, hating herself for having sprung
the trap too soon Boston Globe
--Scriptural "Do you believe the Bi
BILE" asked Brown at the dinner table
"Yes," replied Fogg, in the main, but il
is not altogether true. 1t says, for instance,
to everybody there is n season. This il
correct as far as it goes but to be perfectly
true there should have been proviso ex.
cepting Mrs. Scrimpem's cooking. y" Boston
transcript.
Expressing his opinions ''Don't swet
SO, John. What if you should be strucA
dead with such horrid oaths on your lips2'
,aid his wife, soothingly, Swear SO
Jimmiuy oriekets, by all that's great I'm no
sweariugs but I'm going to express m!
opinion of this confounded, nine-conere.
bazoo of a blamed, rickety, internal bit o.
stovepiken Exit the wife, with her hands
over her ears. II Boston Globe.
Two little sums. James and Henry &c
fishing and agree to divide. James has two
nibbles and bite from dog, and Henry
gets two duckings and loses twelve shil-
ling hat. What is the share of each? ?. A
human body weighing one hundred and
sixty pounds falls fifty-fiye feet per second.
How long viii it take a baby weighing thir-
teen pounds to fall down pair of stair four
teen feet high ?-DctroH Free Press.
Neck or nothing Foote, dining at the
house of Mrs. Thrale, found nothing to his
liking, and sat in expectation of something
better. A neck of mutton being the last
thing, he refused it, as he had the other
Dishes As the servant was taking it away
however, understanding that there was moth.
ing more Foote called out to him; Halo
John; bring that back again find it's
neck Or nothing. Haaper's Basor.
"A smart customer: Customer: "Wha
do you ask for your half dollar tea 2" Shop
man: I" Well, our regular price is seventy
five cents, but I'll let you have it for sixty,
only don't mention 1t, please" Customer is
fattered and takes pound at once. Wher
he comes to think II over afterwards his
mind grows unsettled, but having given his
word and being an honorable man, he
doesn't mention it, Boston Transcript.