Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-01-08

All bachelors would like to shake
hands with the man named Morse, who
recently got married, and four weeks la
name changed to Re-Morse.
A fellow who wrote, II now take my
pen in hand,' was troubled with remorse
when he discovered, after he had mailed
the letter that he had been writing with
a lead pencil.
A young man who wanted to teach
school in Kansas could not tell horizon
tai from perpendicular, but the commit
tee overlooked that, as some of the men,
bers had been that way themselves.
''Ah, excuse me!' said an Arkansaw
man, as be knocked down a stranger in
the street. 81 thought that you were
friend of mine. My eyesight is failing
me so that I'll have to put on glasses
Hostess-''What, must you go, already,
ProfeSsor?" The Professor-s'My dear
madam, there is a limit even to my ca
poSlel VI SCll On my
Hostess-"Oh, not at all, assure you"
"Schoolgirl :" You say the youth you
dote on is almost sixteen years old, and
you want to give him Christmas pres
ent which will please him more than all
the rest he can possibly receive from
others. Very we'll: Give him shaving
case.
Teacher-''Why, how stupid you are
too be sure! Can't multiply lightweight
by twenty-five. I'll wager that Charles
can do that sum in less than no time
Pupil-'I should not be surprised. They
say that fools multiply very rapidly now
| adays."
| Jay Gould, it is said, is looking for an
| illustration for the tombstone to be erect
ed upon the new $4,000 plat at Wood
lawn cemetery. How would shorn
lamb do? 1t would be kind of suggestive
| of life's work, and melancholy enough for
| tombstone.
"That butter is all right" said board
ing-house keeper. at is firkin butter and
tastes of the wood little. That's all. y
'1f that is the case," replied boarder,
who is contractor, 81 should like to get
some Of that wood to make railroad
bridges out Of"
A countryman sowing his ground, two
smart fellows riding that way, one o.
them called to him with an insolent air
''Well, honest fellow" said he s''tis youl
busines to SOW, but we reap the fruits O.
your labor To which the countrymar
replied, "'Tis very likely you may, for
am sowing hemp"
A dog and his tail fell into a dispute a.
to which should wag the other. An itin
Grant wasp passing that way casually re
marked: Speaking of tails, reminds m,
that posses one which may, possibly, b.
influential enough to wag you both.
This fable teaches that two cents wortl
of dynamite is bigger man than a churcl
steeple.
Do you ever reflect how to pass you
lie! Ii you uVe TO SeVenty-tWO, which
hope you may, your life is spent in tn
following manner: an hour day is thre
years; this makes twenty-seven year
sleeping, nine years dressing, nine year
at table, six years playing with children
hine years walking, driving, visiting, 81:
years shopping and three years quar-
reling.
A Chicago young man in a rash mo
ment told his girl that if she would ham,
up her stocking on Christmas eve h
would fill it with something nice. II
! saw her stocking afterwards, and wa
! undecided whether to get into it himself
or buy her sewing machine.
He was a pretty close man, withou
doubt. At breakfast he cut an egg j
two and gave the new hired man on
half of it. The help ate it, and held OIL
his plate for more. ''What!" gasped th
host. s'Want a hull egg?" s.Of course
do" said the man. The boss stare
blankly at the man for a moment, an
then pushing the half egg across the t
BILE snappishly cried: ''Take it; eat
y and kill Yourself" The man ate it, an
| is still alive