National Republican., 1883-03-08
THE HUMAN WINK.
Possibilities OF Conveying Meaning by
Working the Byeiids.
Harvard Lampoon.

Harvard LdmpOon.
The spasmodic agitation Of tho human eye
lid has come to be recognized as a facile
method Of conveying ideas. Suppose, for in
stance, wish to intimate that you can't teach
your grandmother to suck eggs. BY calmly
closing one eye and thrusting my tongue into
my opposite cheek, can express my meaning
without making noise. Some people can't
wink that is to say, they can't wink solo.
Whenever they wink thoy wink duet. If
they want TO wink solo they have to hang
on to one eyelid with both hands.
You can form n general idea of n PERSONS
character when you know whether he or she
is a winkor or non-winker A man who
can't wink can't shuttle cards nor tic bow
knot IL isn't safe to swear in his vicinity;
he'll pray for you the first chance he gets.
Never kiss girl who can't wink, or she'll
swell up and up and burst. Non winkiug fe-
males are teo good for this world they ought
to be let loose in space.
But TO return to winking as n means Of
communication. Perhaps 1 cannot illustrate
my point better than by recounting Il few of
the mishaps of my friend Charley Hayes, who
has st. Nitus's dance in his left eye, and con-
scqucntly Is apt to say what he doesn't mean.
Charley is Il real nico boy, He belongs TO the
Young Mems Christian association, aud never
looks ON wine when IL is red
One day last summer Charley was very
thirsty; so he went into an apothecary store,
and called for glass of lemon soda. The
clerk was knowing man, and when he saw
Charley's left eye winlling he kept tally OH
his cuif. The receipt book which this clerk
used said, Put in one tablespoonful for the
first wink, and a teaspoOnful for every adj
ditional wink" But the man in the recipe
book never winked more than nine times, as
that left only small margin for soda. When
plppg tNyfn hc
cluded that, as the receipt book made no pro-
vision for this case, he must act on his own
responsibility So he gave Charley eight
fingers Of brandy straight. Charley said it
didn't taste very lemOny, but he guessed IL
was all right. As l piloted Charley home
that afternoon, he gravely exclaimed, Shay,
ole lhic) bhOy, don't you ever drink am
lemon shoda."
Charley went TO an auction sale one day,
and was surprised to see the rapidity of tile
the sales and the high prices commanded.
Every iew minutes the quctioncer would cry:
sold TO that man over there" Charley
thought, from the direction of the auctionecr's
glance, that the buyer was somewhere in
his vicinity. Presently nc started to go,
and was startled to hear tho auctionecr
shout: Hi there come back! No tri1ing.
G. o. d. Is the word" The people around
Charley looked at him suspiciOusly, and
said something that sounded like
Rogue, swindler thief" Charley was
more surprised still when the auctioneer,
who was considerably bigger than he,
p0unced on him, and asked what he meant
by buying everything and then sncaling
Off in that way. Charley declared that
nothing was further from his thoughts than
buying anything; that the auctiOneor was
mistaken in his man; that his father wrote
tracts, and he himself was member of tho
Young Mems Christian association. But the
-. 1 n.
drel You vinked l saw you" Charley
tried to impress upon the auctioneer that he
was not reponsible for the vagaries of his left
eye. The auctioneer declined TO be impressed.
lie said if Charley couldn't mind his eye, no
would. Taking of his coat, he intimated in
rather fgurativo language that he was going
to fit Charley's recreant eve with full mourn-
ing outfit; and he did it, too. Charley hasn't
been to an auction since.
Charley is la love- and not long ago he de-
cided TO ask the momentous question. Char
ley always did things in plain, straightfor-
ward way. So when Abbie came into the
parlor, he locked the door on the inside, and
then prostrated himself at her feet excaiming:
Dearest, love you can you not love me
n little in rcturn?" At this unfortunate
moment his left eye winked, and gave Abbie
to understand that he didn't really mean
what ho said. She naturally inferred
that he was rehearsing Christmas pan
tominc. So she said /: "That's splendid,
Mr.. Hayes" Charley saw at once that
1t was of no use; his eye and mouth didn't
pull together. When he tried TO say any
thing in earnest his eye turned il into Joke.
lie gave up Abbie, and, as his eye debarred
him from the ministry he decided that tho
only thing he could be was a humorist. So
he wrote articles for Puck about plumbers,
and mothers-in-law, and Chicago girls feet,
and became famous, and died young and was
buried in Greenwood cemetery with one eye
open and the other eye shut, as though he
were trying to look into his future state with
q telescope.