Frostburg mining journal., 1883-11-24
To be continued.
THE Ne " IDEA.
THE PATENT CALUMNIAToR-A HANDY
THING IN A POLITICAL CANVASS.

Old Major Snodgrass was nominated
for state senator up in Oregon the
other day, and the same evening a dusty
looking stranger, chiefly attired in an
old plug hat and an ingratiating smile,
dropped in to see the nominee on par
ticular business.
'I have come, major" said the visitor,
putting his feet ON the piano stool and
lighting a Sullivan cigarette, II have
come to congratulate you on your pros
poets, and to offer you my services as
tirst-class calumniator."
"a what?" asked the major, much
surprised.
"Why, o calumniator. Never run
for office before? Well, I'll explain:
You see, as soon as o nominee starts i'll
on his canvass, of course the opposition
parties get right in and traduce him
for all that's out; you've noticed the
fact, l dare say?"
"Yes, | think [ have" said old Snod-
grass with sigh.
Exactly; they invent all sorts of
queer stories about the man, and try to
blacken his record the worst way"
"And they succeed pretty often, too"
groaned the major.
"They used to, my dear sir, they used
to-" said the expert, "but not since the
introduction of my new idea, the pat
ent calumtrator scheme. 1t works like
q charm"
''Does, chi" said the amateur politi-
clan.
"You bet it does. Now, how do we
work the business and defeat the plans
Of the opposition-now, how?"
Cant imagine" said the major.
"Why, by getting ahead of them
every time, Eless your heart. Do your
own slandering, don't you see" Put
'em on the wrong track, ell? You
grapple with the idea, don't you!"
Cant say 1 do," said Snodgrass, re-
fectively.
"Why, it's as simple as daylight.
You see, you stake me on the quiet, and
| get in and start a paper apparently
devoted to the opposition. The very
first issue | come out and allude to the
long suspected fact that you poisoned
your grandmother in II"
But j didn'tm roared the major,
looking round for club.
Gently! gently! my dear sir" said
the visitor, putting his foot on the
poker. "Of course, You didn't, but I
say so all the same. OF course, all the
other opposition papers take it up and
make fearful row. Then an investi-
CATION is had, and both your grand
mothers are found to be living. Catch
the point, don't you?"
"But how does that help me?" asked
the nominee.
"Why, don't you see, it keeps the
other fellows attention excited, and
they don't go into your real record at
all 2"
"But my record is all right" said the
major, Indignantly.
well, perhaps it is-perhaps it is"
said the expert, dryly. Perhaps it is,
but it's cold day when these newspa-
per hyenas can't dig up bone or two.
Better keep 'em off the track. Well, the
next thing 1 drop the grandmother
scandal, and say that we have four aili-
davits that you beat your first wife with
a rolling pin, and that you have served
two terms in the penitentiary for forg-
ing checks in your early youth. Thatll
start EN- off again"
"Then I'm vindicated again, am r."
Precisely, In fact l come out and
editorially withdraw the charges, but at
the same time ] claim that the we'll
founded circumstances OF your having
set fire to Il blind asylum in Louisiana
and being wanted for smuggling in Cuba,
have never been satisfactorily ex-
planned"
well, and then?' said the nominee
thoughtfully.
after we have let up on these charges
and admitted that you We're never in
either place in your life, we go for you
worse than ever-saw something per-
fectly terrible, you understand accuse
you OF taking lessons on the oornet, or
something like that, you sec, and keep
the slander mill booming right up to
election day
And you think that will help me?"
unused the senatorial aspirant
"Why, to be sure, my dear sir. It's
the only way. And beside all this,
groundless prosecutions make the pub
lie indignant, and the first thing you
know everybody is voting for you out of
pure sympathy. It's the only way"
And as the inventor of the patent
calumniator is now in town buying type,
it is fair to suppose that Major Snod-