The weekly chronicle. (Bozeman, Mont.) 1883-1883, 1883-04-04
WIT OF THE WEEK.

visits hair store and goes off with .
bang.
81 wish 1 knew what would preven
my food from distressing me-" said Mr.
Lymph. "My dear fellow" exclaimed
Fogg. come and stop a while at oul
boarding-house. I can assure you thai
all the food you get there won't distress
you particle"
Il said to him, Billy, you've been TAX.
ing morphine, haven't you? He said
Yes, my stomach is out of order and
am compelled to take it. l feel very bad.
That was yesterday. Last night about
twelve O'Clock went up to see him and
he was asleep and breathing very hard.
l saw him again about three o'clock and
he was still sleeping. About six this
morning l went up again and found him
as he is now-dead. I then sent for a
| physician, but it was too late.
A servant girl who had been admon-
ished by her mistress to be careful in
"washin' up" the best tea things was
overheard shortly afterward indulging in
the following soliloquy while in the act
Of washing the sugar basin: eff was to
drop this'ere basin, and was to catch it, I
suppose shouldn't catch it; but if was
to drop it, and wasn't to catch it, reckon
should just catch it,
An Austin Justice of the Peace who is
constantly trying criminal cases was
called on to marry couple. After he
had asked the usual question, if they de-
sired to be united in the bonds of matri-
mony, and they had replied in the
affirmative, the Justice asked them sol
emnly: Having plead guilty to the
charge, if there are in your opinion any
mitigating circumstances now is the time
to state what they are"
"Tre dollar unit a.halG" exclaimed
Count Ramshackele to the Niagara hack
man." dot was swindle!" cts the
regular fare" said the hackman, "but
seeing it's you, I'll take you for three
dollars and fifty cents" "Goot." exclaim-
ed the count "It was without possibil-
tiles to sheet me.''
A butcher enters a lawyers office
Sir" he asks, "when a dog docs any
damage is not his owner responsible?"
Certainly" ''That being the case, as
your dog has just carried off magnif-
cent leg of mutton from my shop. you
owe me S2." Nothing could be more
just" replied the lawyer, "and fortunate
ly that is just the price Of the consulta-
ton have just given your
Lady Bloomfield, in her "Reminis-
cences of Court and Diplomatic Life"
tells curious anecdote about her own
father, who isolated himself from the
younger members of his family on ac-
count of his dislike to the noise of chill
dren. at is said," she writes, "that one
day my father was walking in Portland
Place when he met a nurse carrying a
baby in her arms, ann being struck with
the beauty of the infant he inquired
whose it was. The nurse. much aston
ished, answered: Your own, Sir Thom-
as"
II have made one human being happy
to-day" said Fred Blanks to Bob Belt,
an Austin lawyer, "Did you send bar
rel of Hour to poor widow" asked Bob.
"No, my means do not allow me to be so
extravagant, but told an applicant for
position in the legislature that I knew
he was going to get it." "Well, that was
one of those little courtesies that casts
ray of sunshine into the troubled life of
a fellow-traveler in this vale of tears and
which does not cost anything" "The
mischief it didn't cost anything. I bor-
rowed 81 from him on the strength oft"
Returned and bearded traveller, rush.
ing up to former acquaintance with en-
thusiasm: "Why! How are you old
mani" Short-sighted and absent-minded
former acquaintance (doubtfully): "Eh?
How do you do?" "Why, man alive!
Don't you remember Bob Travers?"
"Yes! Yes! Forged check, didn't he?'
Indignantly: ''No!" (Refectively):
"No? Cut his wife's throat, wasn't it?"
"No, sir" "Dear me, of course not. He
was the man who embezzled the trust
funds and went off with Thompson's
wife, wasn't he?" (Furiously): "No,
sir. am Bob Travers." Mildly: "You
don't say SO! Well, what was it you did,
anyhow?'
One sultry Sunday a minister was
laundering away at his drowsy con.re-
CATION, the majority of which would go
to sleep in spite of all efforts. At last he
shouted: "Wake up, here! There is
man preaching to you who has only half
shirt on his back" It woke them
tremendously. The next day delega-
ton of ladies visited the parsonage and
presented the preacher with package
containing some very nice shirts, saying
that "it was shame that he should be
reduced to halfa shirt to his back" He
replied, after accepting the shirts with
thanks, that ::'.he was not literally re-
duced to half shirt, although he wore
only half on his back; he wore the
nthor bo1 in front IF him
If there is one thing the Austin darkey
knows more about than another, that
thing is politics. During the municipal
election in Austin Uncle Nose was halted
one night as he was returning to his
humble cottage by burly negro, with
an army sized bludgeon and a demand
for his money or his life. "Splain de
objec' OBJ dis meeting" said the old man.
"Hit jess means dat money has got ter
be raised" responded the interviewer,
splitting on his hands and taking firmer
hold of his mace, so to speak. The old
man sighed and as he rendered three car
tickets, an old pipe and several other
articles of bric-a-brac he said: "If had
been notified that you was out collecting
voluntary contributions for de legitimate
campaign 'spenses l would hab hunted
yer up to pay my 'sessments."
At Austin, Nevada, on Washington's
birthday, a Chinaman tried to explain to
Captain Jack, Of the Piutes, who Wash
;notop vas .Who Won caII nm JVoSb.