St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1883-04-20
SQuibS.

An Arkansas editor says that the
stingiest man in his town talks through
his nose to save the wear and tear on
his false teeth.
''Pa, what is an optimist ?' 'An op-
timist, my boy, is man who can laugh
when his gum Overshoe is left sticking
i'll the mud in the middle of the street,
-[Cheek.
A Philadelphia man who visited the
signal service department while in
Washington, says it reminded him of
social party. All the people were talk
ing about the weather. Philadelphia
News.
'In the old days." says Mr.. Whittier,
''the people sent their wisest men to
make the public laws" Nowadays the
wisest men are employed to help peo-
pie get around the laws Boston
Transcript.
Secrets of the confessional: Hs it
sin," asks "A fashionable lady of her
spiritual director, ''for me to feel a
pleasure when gentlemen says | am
handsome ~ at is, my daughter" he
replies, gravely ''we should never de-
light in falsehood ~
a Judge having fallen asleep during
trial, Lawyer y. suddenly ceased
pleading and exclaimed AZ will wait
until his honor wakes before finishing"
"But," answered the opposing counsel,
perhaps his honor will wait till you
have finished before waking" . From
the French.
EcOnOmizing time A lecturer, dis
pn N ha nf
quired, "What use can IA man make of
his time while waiting for doctor ?"
Before he could begin his answer to his
own inquiry, some one in the audience
cried out: "IIe can make his will y
Buffalo Courier.
A Lynchburg, Va, genius has in
vented a combination, which answers
for door bell, letter box and IA door
plate. If he had cOntrived to combine
an attachment for kicking the small
boy who steals up and rings the bell
and runs, it would fill long-felt want.
Il Lowell Citizen.
The first instance where physicians
are mentioned in the Bible is ii. Chron-
icles, XVI. II "And Asa, in the thir-
ty-ninth year of his reign, was diseased
in his feet until the disease was exceed
ingly great; yet, in his disease, he
sought not the Lord, but the physi-
clans. And Asa slept with his fathers"
i Chicago Herald.
"See here, sir" exclaimed a Phila-
delphia grocer, bristlng up with right
eOus Indignation as the milkman made
his morning call. 81 should Just like
you to explain how the chalk and white
clay that | found in my coffee cup this
morning got there" "Don't know, Pm
sure" answered the milkman, "unless
you sweetened your coffee with the
same sugar you sold me yesterday"
Two young fellows stood in front of
IA bill board the other night intently
perusing the announcement of the BOs-
ton Ideal Opera Company. Finally
one remarked: "What is the Boston
IDEAL anyhow ~ The latter looked at
him half contemptuously for a moment
and replied in deprecatory tone:
"DOn't you know what the Boston Ideal
is 7 Why, you ninny, it's baked beans"
i Hartford Globe.
A man was quietly munching on a
piece of pie in a saloon Friday morn
ing when a look of distress suddenly
displaced the serene expression on his
face. Taking something from between
his teeth, and looking at it, he cried to
the waiter: "Here, you, there's stone
found in this pie ~ The waiter took
it, glanced at it critically, and handing
it back, briefly said: "It's no good TO
us, you can have it,"
One recent morning Kate Slocum, a
pretty Florida girl, stood at the door
of her fathers house watching the ris-
ing sun just peeping above the tree
tops. Paddy, the gardener, came
whistling along the road at that mo-
ment, and as he was passing Kate IA
cloud for a moment Obscured the orb of
day. "Sure," said Pat, with a bow and
IA smile as he lifted his hat, "whin the
sun beyant caught sight of your eyes
he was jealous and ashamed and hid
| himself away" Did any gallant ever
say "A prettier thingG
Janet home from church Janet was
not comely, but an excellent servant
and especially devOut. One Sunday
afternoon, on returning from the kirk,
she mentioned to the ladies of the fam
! lily how much she had enjoyed the ser
vices. Shortly afterward they heard
her scOlding at great rate and one of
| the ladies demonstrated with her.
"Why; Janet, Pm afraid the service
did you very little good, after all, as
| you seem to have lost your temper"
"Ah, weel," said Janet, 81 left Willum
to look after things and everything's so
upset it's enough to take the taste o.
prayer out o. ones mouth