The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-02-23
VARIETIES.

Why is retired carpenter like lectur-
er!-Because he is an explainer.
-"Be jabers," exclaimed an Irishman, Owe
slept sixteen hours | went to bed at eight
and got up at eight"
Practice makes perfect. True, but man
can drop hot horseshoe as readily the first
time trying as the second.
Eva, noticing flock of noisy, chattering
blackbirds, said: "Mamma, | guess they're
having sewing 'ciety."
Burglar proof safes are misnomcr. If
you want your valuables to be absolutely
secure have your wife deposit them in her
dress pocket.
-"You must feel lonely since your hus-
band went away" consolingly observed n
neighbor to her lady friend mot at all. 1t
is the first holiday have had since was n
school girl"
"A commercial marriage: 81 congratu-
late you, Bertha; have just arranged for
your betrothal." Bertha: "To whom, papa?"
Hush, child, how can you be so nquisitive.
1t is as yet business secret"
Altogether too voiccless: After the
clergyman had united a happy pair, not long
ago, an awful silence ensued, which was bro.
ken by an impatient youth eXclaiming,
'Don't be so unspeakably happy"
"A Chicago girls excuse for marrying a
young man whose face was badly marked
with scars of smallpox was that he had q
poetic look. She thought he was weighed
down with some secret sorrow.
There was company to supper, the table
was SET out splendidly and all were enjoying
themselves exceedingly when the pet o. the
household unfortunately whispered: MA,
why don't you have this sort of supper when
there isn't any company"
"A Georgia couple waited over four years
for good opportunity to elope, and just as it
came the girls father took the young man by
the hand and said: "Speak up to her.
Thomas | know she loves you and I'd be
tickled to death to have you for a sonin-
law p
"A learned professor, addressing one of
his class, asked ifhe knew what animal mag
netism was. "I-er-er did know, but
have forgotten" was the answer. Calm.
ly came the scathing rejoinder, showing
that even learned professors sometimes
have a sense of humor: Gentlemen, this Is
very unfortunate Mr.. Jones, the only man
who ever knew, has forgotten what animal
magnetism is |"
Mutual admiration Two rival bellies at
an evening party were seated in the conserv-
atory with their resDcctative cavaliers, enjoy
ing their supper The gas was turned down
somewhat, as it should be in conservatory
at an evening party. my dear julia" said
said one of the fascinating creatures, chow
beautiful your complexion is-in this dim
light" "Oh, thank you" responded her rival,
land how lovely you look in the dark
The owner of house near the banks of
the Seine which had been pretty thoroughly
inundated during the recent freshets adver-
tsed his property for sale after the waters
had subsidized. A would-be purchaser pre-
senting himself, the proprietor began to de-
tail the advantages of the house. "a superb
view, bathroom, biliardroom and gas
everywhere" Then le added with strange
smile: And water--on every floor"
A gallant hatcher: Irate customer
"That goose | bought here last week was as
tough as leather Judgment and you said it
was only six months old. My wife says she
bets that goose has seen twenty winters
Butcher-"Quite likely" Irate customer
"What do you mean, then, by saying that it
was but six months od?" ButcherI1"You
forget, sir, Jnat 1t was a female Gallantry
to the sex would not permit me to put the
age beyond that"
"A capital story is told of the way in
which Danish colonial magistrate once sup
pressed perjury in his court He said moth
ing of his method but an English friend
seated beside him on the bench noticed that
whenever witness told a palpable lie he
jumped. He asked the reason, and the magis
trate, after a caution, revealed his secret
"My orderly stands behind the witness,
and whenever I mt NV left hand to NV ear
that indicates that the evidence is false, and
he runs pin into him." The sitting of con-
science" in this material form proved effectu-
al, and the magistrate, who died honored
throughout Denmark, in three years turned
an Alsacia into one of the most orderly
and law. abiding of communities. He could
ALWAYS get the truth