The Portland daily press., 1883-05-02
That Bad Boy.
How he Leads the Old Man Peck sor-
rowful Existence.
rPeck,s SUM

Vel, now is the Oaoyg asked the gro
Gerry man Of the bad boy, as be came into
the grocery smelling very s.horsey," and sat
down on the chair with the back gone, and
looked very tired.
80, darn the baby Everybody asks me
about the baby as though it was mine. l
don't pay no attention to the darn thing, ex-
cept to notice the foolishness going on round
the house Say, Il sness thsAt baby will grow
up to be a fire engine. The nurse coupled
the baby on to a section Of rubber hose that
runs down into bottle Of milk, and it be-
gan TO get up steam and pretty soon the
milk began to disappear, just like the water
does when fire engine couples on to a hy-
drant. Pa calls the baby odd Number Two.'
| am Number One and If pa had hook
and ladder truck ard hose cart, and fire
gong he would imagine he was chief engi-
neer of the fire department. But the baby
kicks ON this milk wagon milk and bowls like
dog that's got lost. The doctor told pa that
the best thing ne could do was to get goat,
but pa said since we Insulated him into the
Masons with the goat he wouldn't have
goat round no how. The doc told pa the
other kind of q goat, think it was a Saman-
tina goat, he said, wouldn't kick with its
head, and pa sent me up into the Polack
settlement TO see if couldn't borrow a milk
goat for few weeks. | got a woman to
lend us her goat till the baby got big enough
to chew beef, for dollar week, and paid
dollar in advance, and pa went up in the
evening to help me get the goat Well, it
was the darndest mistake you ever see.
There was two goats so near alike You
couldn't tell which was the goat we leased,
and the other goat was the chum of our
goat, but 1t belonged to a Nirish woman.
We got bed cord hitched around the Irish
goat, and that goat didn't recognize the
lease, and when we tried to jerk 1t along IL
rared right up, and made things real quick
for pa. don't know what there is about a
goat that makes it get 80 spunky, but that
goat seemed to have a grudge against pa
from the first. If there we're any places on
pas manly form that the goat did not ex-
plore, with its head, pa don't know where
the PLACES are. o, 1t damned him, and when
| LATED pa got mad. / told him every man
ought to furnish his own goats, when he
had baby, and let go of the rope and
started off, and pa said he knew how it was,
wanted him to get killed. It wasn't that,
but saw the Irish woman that owned the
goat coming around the corner of the house
with cistern poll. just as pa was getting
the goat out Of the gate the goat got cross
ways of the gate, and pa yanked, and doub-
led the goat right up, and / thought he had
broke the goats neck, and the won an
thought so too, for she jabbed pa with the
cistern pole just below the belt, and she
tried to get hold on pas hair, but he had
her there. No woman can get the advan-
tage Of pa that way, cause ma has tried 1t.
Well, pa explained it to the woman, and she
let pa off If he would pay her two dollars for
damages to her goat, and pa paid 1t, aud
then we took the nanDy-goat, and 1t went
along with us. But have got my opinion
of baby that will drink goats milk. Gosh,
1t is like this stuff that comes in a spoiled
cocoanut. The baby hasn't done anything
but blat since the nurse coupled it onto the
goat hydrant. / had to take all my play
things out Of the basement to keep the goat
from eating them. / guess the milk will
taste of powder and singed hair now. The
goat got TO eating some Roman candles me
and my chum had laid away In the coal bin,
and chewed them around the furnace, and
the powder leaked out and coal fell out Of
the furnace on the hearth, and you'd aided
to see pa and the hired girl and the goat.
You see pa can't milk nothing but a milk
wagon, and he got the hired girl to milk the
goat, and they were just hunting around the
basement for the goat with tin emp, when
the fireworks went off. VIII, there was balls
of green, and red, and blue fire, and spilled
powder blazed up, and the goat looked as
t9nlshed, and looked on as though II was
sorry so much good fodder was spoiled but
when It's hair began TO burn, the goat gave
one snort and went between pa ald the hired
girl like 1t was shot out Of a cannon, and
it knocked pa over wash boiler into the
coal bin, and the hired girl in amongst the
kindling wood, and she crossed herself and
repeated the catekism, and the goat jumped
up on top of the brick furnace and they
couldn't get 1t down. | heard the celebra-
ton and went down and took pa by the pants
and pulled him out of the coal bin, and he
said he would surrender and plead guilty Of
being the biggest tool in Milwaukee. |
pulled the kindlng wood off the hired girl,
and then she got mad, and said she would
milk that goat or die. o, that girl has got
sand. She used to work in the glass factory
Well, sir, it was sight worth two shilling
admission to see that hired girl get up on
step ladder to milk that goat on top OF the
furnace, with pa sitting on barrel of pota
toes, bossing the job. They are going to fix
a gang plank to get the goat down off the
furnace. The baby kicked on the milk last
night. / guess besides tasting Of powder
and burnt hair, the milk was too
warm on account of the furnace.
"a has. got to grow new lot Of
hair on that goat, or the woman won't take
IL Dack She don't want no baby goat. Well
they can run the abay and goat to suit them
selves, cause have resigned. have gone
into business. Don't you smell anything
that would lead you to surmise that had