Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1883-12-28
OUR kALElDOSlOPE.
with Christmas bells the air is rent.

Blu. the pocke'-book don't Jingle worth cent
Five comets are now visible Mt Bueuos
Ayrcs, and the citizen who comes in a, two
O'Clock In the morning is happy
The Missouri ought to be the cleanest river
in the world. 1t changes Its bed every
| Spring.
Robert Ingerst Ii has been challenged by
| woman To discuss religion. This settles IL
All ministers who are now preparing SER
mons or pamphlets against Robert may stop
right where they are.
AT wedding in Missouri the bridal march
was played on a harmonica. With some
people the trials Of matrimony begin early.
Sitting Bull is hired to exhibit himself at
Dakota church fairs. He proves to be al.
most as much of a curiosity as the oyster in
the soup.
A graduate Of Oxford declares that our
American colleges lack enthusiasm. En-
thusiasm why, he ought to see q party OF
Sophomores rolling q Freshman in barrel.
A National holiday isn't circumstance to il.
"He who sleeps away the day will be
empty at night" says writer We beg to
differ. lie will more likely be full.
A Boston plumber has sgniGed his in,en-
ton of leaving his fortune to help pay of the
National debt. What blasted luck the gov
eminent has trying TO keep that debt up.
Bright electric lights of the new world,
is what Mrs. CORVALLIS West calls the Am.
erican photographers. And yet they are just
as likely To run against a hitching post on a
dark night as ordinary mortals.
| Wcn Cncato man does good deed.
the people erect II monument TO his honor.
Ch'cls" "an afford to do this, and not be
mp;d nat a.: iolket, either
a poe, should never say gu i'll word
against cat They are both voaries of the
news.
Now, Augustus, DEAR said young Mrs.
Pop!niiy, don't you 60 aud &c, one of
those spring mattresses, that Housington
adveltses. The idea Of trying to palm off
his old las springs goods at the very open.
ing OF the winter :"
Dancing clowns and barequins furnish
designs for the borders of cambria pocket
handkcrchiefs, says an exchange. Don't
they do any other art wSrk-illustr tie maya
zines, or anything
The most recen! agony for young ladies
is to decorate oyster shells. If they want 10
please the young men, let them decorate
en- with nrst-class oysters and little Dor
dcring of lemon slices.
a Paris surgeon alvertses "dimples to
order" Please send two by return mail.
We want 'em for a Christmas present for
Susan Il. Anthony.
English babies, we are told, have visiting
cards. And &c, we have been accustom cd
to call our British cousins SLOW"
1t was Solomon, we believe, who said
"behold the ant We can imagine just the
tone with which he said it, for we have had
female relations ourselves.
"Now, girls" said Sundayschool leach
er, "can YOU tell Inc what Circular means ?"
"iethm" lisped little scven-year- -
18th fur-lined cloak !"
Criminals are now identified by compel
ling them to rub their thumbs in lamp
black, and leave the impression OF them on
sheet of white paper. That's what you
might call an off-hand portrait, isn't it
Pig iron-thv butcher knife
An advertiser offers cat free with every
pound Of candy. Sausage manufacturers
will do well to look into this.
An exchange wonders how many stock
inGs Jay Gould could fill on Christmas
About two, came as any other day. We
guess.
The foutNs Companion has published a
poem by Alfred Tennyson, on EARLY
Spring. We guess Alfred miscalculated a
little. lie intended to hand that letter to a
friend to mail, and then the poem would
have arrived just ab1ut in season.
An Iowa editor says that no Christian can
edit paper. Isn't this rather rough on
Drs. Ireneus Prime and Gray and the rest
of the boys?
A Texas man VOWS that lie will neve, cut
his hair till Tilden is made president. Poor
man what looking object he'll be about
1910.
The young men of Denver, Colorado, are
going TO wear knee brooches. Won't the old
mans dog have picnic now
A California man buried some valuable
bonds, for safety, and has forgotten where
he buried EN-. Just like us. We are awful
careless with our coupons.
Vassar girls arc said TO be awfully thin
this year. Like athletes Of the opposite
sex, they are evidently getting themselves
into condition for leap year.
Some foolish milincr has gone and in
vented pocket bonnet" The idea Of
woman's ever wanting to take of her bon
net unless she had to.
A small boy mischievously stuck bis foot
III front Of the wheel Of team, and now
travels in one of his fathers big cast-ofI over.
shoes. OF course, he didn't know the team
was loaded.
Well is your stocking dragged out of
shape:
What IN awful shame ii is that they don't
have any mistletoc nowadays.
Just about now il is the Chicago girls turn |
10 crow.
The moanest and most sarcastic man put
a broomstick into his mothcr-n-law's stock
ing last year. Wonder what he's done this
year?
Teacher Nov, children, which one of
iou can tell me what n Consonant is 2"