The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1883-09-14

Sc1lo10eAhetmer'D Al4f s01scAs
There has been considerable excite
msnt in Harlem concerning the arrest
Of Schlausenheimer upon the charge OF
assaulting Officer Dyonisious O'Brien.
Bender, the butcher, o relative OF
! Schlsusenheimer. has furnished me the
! following account of the affair. I
transmit it rerbatim:
Now I CLAIM dot bluck vas simply
sooccessful shtubbornness, und shtub-
bornness vas unsuccessful bluck. But
/ Pointer, de assurance achent, und mine
selef We get arguments up on dot
vonce.
"a tisopedient moole," says Pointer,
s'vot will not shtir shtep, he vas shtub-
born, but q prafe man vat VIII meier gif
up de sheep, he vas blEcky."
yes" says /. che vas blucky-h he
soocceeds. If he don't soocceeds, den
he vas as pig-headet as moole; und
dots vot's de matter NIT Schlausen-
heimer."
Now bluck vas ferry goot ting to
hat, If it vas mixed NIT leedle gom-
mon senses-about halef upd halef.
Common senses mitout bluck don't
| uSACA Ouly Cuuct . ICCtkCr
but bluck mitout common senses ag-
gomblishes a goos teal doc much, und
ought to pc locked up NIT lunadics
asylum
Veil, Schlausenheimer, you know, he
ehust geeps eferytings NIT himself yet.
He don't meier told his wife something
aloud notings already.
Won day l says:
Observation-Disclosures, maybe it vas pet
ter if you told your wife eferyting about
| something's und something about efery-
ting. Your wife vas your bartner."
'vell, she's got TO pc silent BART
ner," says he.
..Not doc SILENT" says l. "yomens
has some rights dot q man vas pound to
exbect"
81 don't believe no such nonsense"
| says Schlausenheimer, mot pit. Dot
vas women s-riots, dot vas, und of all
kinds of riots-yisky riots, election
riots, under efery oder kind of riots
dem vomen's riots was de vorstest Of
dem all"
.'Look here" says !, 'dot's not
fair arguments, because you tidn't
pronounce dot right. 1t wasn't riots
it vas ri-ets.
Den Schlausenheimer gets mad.
''Ri-ots or ri-ets," says he, 81
wouldn't hat it in mine house. vas
pound to hat eferytings harmoniousness
If l hat to preak de proomshtick, und
dot settles it,
Veil, 1 didn't said noting more NIT
him, but said NIT mineself, as walks
away:
at vas gwite efitent nadure intented
dot Schlausenheimer should pecome
ferst-glass itiot, und Schlausenheimer
he don't got no opchections."
Veil, he puyed himself Won of dose
Advantageous, you know, vot wakes
you out at fife O'CLOCK in de mornings.
| He puts him NIT de mandel-bieces
dereon, und he goes NIT de pedt derein.
Mrs. Schlausenheimer she gets in de
mittle of de night up, und dot CLOCK
While Mrs. Schlausenheimer vas py de
next room looking for matches.
Schlausenheimer chumps up und he
| knocked Mrs. Schlausenheimer town in
de mittle of his sleep.
He hit her on de headt of de shtaIrs,
und dey bot rolled to de potion toged-
der town heels over backwards.
Mrs. Schlausenheimer, you know,
grabbed him py de tark, NIT de hair
from his headt, because Schlausen-
\ heimer, he thinks, you see, dot she vas
all de times de bugular yot he vas chust
| treaming about coming to shteal his
| CLOCK at five a. m. in de morning.
Ven they got NIT de potion of the
shtairs de CLOCK struck Won und Schlau-
senheimer he shtruck de odder Won.
1t vas de policies vot runs init his Club
in to put de fire out back! he hits
| Schlausenheimer pack again NIT
his headt. II he had any prains dot
times dey vouldt come out Il vas q
good ting sometimes to pc apsent-
minded; und Schlausenheimer's minds
has been apsent ofer since he Is porn.
Veil, he shust hit him vonce; but it
vas sufficient und enough was as goot
as briest.
He knocked Schlausenheimer into de
mittle of last week. He losed a whole
weeks work py it undue is sick more as
a mont apout year afterwards
Dot bolices wouldn't took no OK
cooses; but he took Schlausenheimer.
He took him so gwick you can say
Chack Ropison NIT de shtation-houses.
Veil, de chudge of de shtation-house
he say: s'Vot's de sharge2''
Dot bolicemans vas aggrafatet, so he
SAYS: s'Salt on q bolices."
De chudge vas exaggerated, und he
says: s.Fine, fife tollars."
Schlausenheimer vas indignatet, und
he says: Oats a fraudt, und
wouldn't put up NIT It
So de chudge gifts him fife tollars
more fine, for content mid de court.
Now, don't plane de chudge mine
self, because he called him . superani-
mattel oft shpringheister, und he ought
to toldt his wife all apout it before he
puts him NIT de mandel-bieces, und
dots de worse tings you couldt call de
chudge, anyway. You know vot dot
shpringheister vas in Inklishs Veil.
dot means a monkey chumping-ehack-
up-a-shtick, ven you bulls him NIT
shtring.
Now, dots de way NIT Sehlausen-
heimer. He didn't want to lose his
money, so he loses his demper, und de
chudge found it-fife tollars abiece.
But if dot ehudge couldt only find
Schlausenheimer fife tollars efery times
vot he loses his demper, in less as .
year dot chudge vouldt pc millionaire
-und Schlausenheimer he would pc q
boor-house.-The Continent.
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