The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-12-20
WIT AND HUMOR.

America. but Khan t.
The waves are ever at war. They
are cons antly shelling the beach.
The politest mail clerk in the Louis
vile Post Office is female clerk.
About the only troubles that come
singly are fussy old maids. s.-1hoaer"
ArgabS.
1t is doubtless owing to our being
made of clay that we are SO easily
.'broke."
A good name is more to be desired
than great riches. but the latter cap
lures the girls the quickest.
Il fill the BILL said Willie when he
got into his mothers preserve closet.
"And foot the Bill, remarked papa,
overhearing the soliioqug7.
Pater famiIias TO festive son: ere
member, my son, it's not the coat that
makes the man." +. S.-'.No, sir, L
know it; it's the pants.
A Philadelphia girl has patented
machine which will make gallon of
ice cream minute. She calls it the
Mary Anderson freezer.
The Kentucky goose bone prognosti-
Gates mild winter, but you are a
goose if you place any dependence
upon goosebones.-Bostom Transcript
There is a man here whose conscience
is annoying him on account of his pos
session of money stolen from the Gov
ernment. He would give it up, but he
fears that would hurt him worse than
his conscience does.
The language of flowers: 'You are
not quite SO large as q whole city,
said big sunflower, scornfully, to an
humble violet. mo, sir, said the violet,
modestly lowering its head, Il am only
a subherb.
sAre you going to follow the suggest
ion of the railway officials and adopt
the mean time?" asked the matchmaker
of Mr.. Stubbins. ''Mean time? No,
indeed! My watch keeps mean time
enough now. ."-Miltoa Neaos.
''Never mind, my young kid. I'm
going up to see your mother about
this" ''That's alright" yelled back
the small boy, you just go right along
ND there. Pa filed a man full of buck
shot the other day for going to see
my ma"
Don't be afraid to say ''my dear" to
that that you are on your wedding
tour. Couples who have fought like
a.s and dogs for twenty years do
that.
Ada Richmond's new piece, written
by j ,aquin Miller, is entitled Tally
Ho.' Not a bad name for a stage
piece. The actors ought to get well
coached in such play, and it ought to
have good run.
Some philosopher has conceived
beautiful and poetic bit of consolation
for the oppressed by stating that it is
the sunshine of Jay Gould's life that
! casts the shadow across the telegraph
operators.
An exchange says: ''Science is pro-
nouncing against covering the walls
of houses with paper. Ornamental
tiles are suggested as substitutes" All
right. If science will put up the cash,
we will have our house tiled I'M
mediately.
parents in China says an ex-
change, "deem it religious duty to
provide matches for their children as
soon as they are of age SO long as
they don't furnish the cigarettes, we
don't see as that is much OF an ad-
vantage.
A sky light: The sun-The woman's
cause: Because-A tough time:
Rcughs on Il spree-A dose of salts:
Several sailors sleeping bird of
freedom: An escaped jailbird--
Generally on the mending hand: Tae
| himble-Bo st091 Courier.
| One of the greatest paradoxes in this
world is that Il man is miserable be-
yond description in pair of new shoes
! that tit him, while Il woman Is as happy
rs bee in a lily, or political heeler
| in beer saloon, when she has on a
pair of shoes four sizes too small for
| her.
dressing gentleman who owed
are liar Your postage-stamp
was wasted" came the .replF, .'as I
knew that l was liar before l
ever had any business relations with
you"
Has the right hand of the average
paragrapher forgot its cunning, or
/ what is the nature of the washout
down the line anyway? AS yet we
| have seen no reference to the fact that
the movements of Henry Irving On
these shores are accompanied by
considerable Miss Terry.-Ie1aS SIT
ingS.
A novel writer tells how ''the words
crashed through her teeth" A CLEAN
of revenge may have also ''thundered
from her eyes" and smile of scorn
''paralyzed her lips" but when we
reached the place where the words
e,.a.sl4ed- through -ircr teeth we read no
further.
''I don't take much stock in pro-
| verbs" said Brown to Jones. ''For
| instance, look at the oft quoted one,
"A friend in need is !: friend indeed
Now, most of my experience with
friends in need has been that they
wanted to borrow. Give me the friend
that is not in need"
A husband having One Night re-
turned home Fuller than n Goat, gave
Promise unto his Wife of a new Dress.
''And what kind of Dress?' asked his
Sagacious spouse. "a cashmere Dress, "
replied the Husband. ALAS" cried
the Wife, ''alas, that, Having once
Started in, you Did not get Full enough
| Tor GfOS TRAN.
The time that a man feels sore dis
tressed and girt about by wild, weird
doubt, and is so completely dumb
f2:,nded as to be unable to say word,
; > when boarding house waiter steps
up and asks him which he will have,
beafsteak pie or stewed tripe. Truly,
it is, metaphorically, choice between
the gallows and the guillotine.
Cowper, it is stated by his biogra-
pher, did not begin to write poetry
until he was so. We wish the young
men who daily send us poems about
.'haze'' and Autumn days" and
woodland ways" would kindly stop
and do as Cowper did.
Col. Begler was nervous: d may be
a fool, but Nobody has disputed
it," broke in his wife. ''Now do wait
until you are denied a privilege, will
you?" II say may be fool the
| Colonel continues; ''in fact, l quite
agree with you that l am,' and he
looked significantly at his marriage
certificate hanging on the wall.
The Christian al Work contains an
article entitled: ''How to Make Wife
Insane" AS we think it is very I'M