The Portland daily press., 1883-02-10


" nat on earth is that g9u Pave got on your
upper lip?" said the g,oce'J man to the bad
boy, as he came in yAd began to peel ruta-
baga, and his unyer Up hung down over his
teeth and was covered with something that
looked likeehoemaler's wax. "You look as
though you had been digging potatoes with
your nose''
20, that's someof pas darn smartness. /
asked him if he knew anything that would
make boys moustache grow, and he told me
the best thing he ever tried was tar, and for
NE to rub it on thick when went to bed, and
wash it off in the morning. put it on last
night, and by gosh, can't wash it off. Pa
told me all l had to do was to uss securing
brick, and it would come off, and used the
brick, and it took the skin off, and the tar is
there yet. and say, does my lip look very
bad?''
The grocery man told him it was the worst
looking lip he ever saw, but he could cure it
by rubbing little cayenne pepper IN the tar.
He said the tar would neutralize the pepper.
and the pepper would loosen the tar and act as
cooling lotion to the lacerated lip. The bow
went to can of pepper behind the counter.
and stuck his finger in and rubbed a lot of it
on his lip. and then his hair began to rise,
and he began to cry, and rushed to the water
pail and ran his face into the water to wash off
the pepper. The grocery man laughed, and
when the boy had got the pepper washed off,
and had resumed his rutabaga he said:
That seals your fate. No man ever trifles
with the feelings of the bold buccaneer Of the
Spanish main, without living to rue it, I will
lay for you, old man, and don't you forget II.
Ia thought he was smart when he got me to
puI TAR on my Up, to bring my moustache out,
and to-day he lies on bed of pain and to-
morrow your turn will come You will regret
tnat you did not get down on your knees and
beg my pardon. You will be sorry that Won
dld not prescribe cold cream for my bruised lip.
instead of cayenne pepper. Beware. Won base
twelSe-ounce-to-t the-pound huckster, YOU gim-
let-eyed seller of dog sausage. you sanded-
sugar IDIOT you small potato, three-card-monte.
sislght,ot-handi rotten-egg fend, you villain
that selis smoked sturgeon and dog fish for
track"
Look here, young man. don't you threaten
me, or will take you by the ear and walk Won
through green fields, and beside still waters. to
the front door, and kick your pistol pocket
clear around so you can wear il for a watch
In your vest No boy can frighten me, BY
crImus But tell me, how did you get even
with your pa?''
well give me a glass OF cider and wa will
De friends, and will tell you. Thanks! Gosh,
pies and sewer water, y and he took d handfal
OF layer raisns off the top of box to take the
TASTE out OF his mouth. and while the grocer
charged peck of rutabagas, a gallon of cider
and two pounds of raisinS to the bows pa. the
boy proceeded "You see, pa likes Joke the
pest OF any man you ey saw, if it is on some
body else, but he kicks like steer when it is
on him. asked him this morning if it would
q on Tntro TO-
front step, so the letter carrier would slim i'm
and spill hisself and pa said it would be elegant
Pa is a Democrat, and he thinks that ANYTHING
that will make it unpleasant for Republican
offlceholders is legitimate, and he encouraged
me to paralyze the letter carrier. The letter
carrier is as old a man as pa, and didn't want
to humlliate him, butt just wanted pa to give
his consent, SO he couldn't kick if he got caught
IN his own trap. You see? Well, this morn
ing the minister and two OF the deacons called
on pa to have talk with him about his actions
IN church on two or three occasions--when he
pulled out the pack of cards with his handker-
chief, and played the music box-and they had
pretty bot time in the back parlor, and final
~ they settled it and were going to sing
hymn, when pa handed them a little hymn
book, and the minister opened it and turned
pale and said What's thisl and they looked
atlt, and it was book of Hoyle's games in
stead OF hymn book. Gosh, wasn't the min
lster mad! He had started to read hymn,
esno no 1ulb d1tcI u6 f0du UWO lines Wler6 1t
said, In game OF four-handed euchre never
trump your partners ace, but rely on the ace
to take the trick on suit Pa was irving to
explain how the book came to be there, when
the minister and the deacons started out, and
then poured the two quart tin pail full of
seft soap on the front step. 1t was this white
soap, just the color of the STEP and when got
u spread went down in the basement. The
visitors came out and pa was trying to explain
to them about Hoyle, when one of the dea-
cons stepped in the soap, and his feet few up
and he struck on his pants and slid down the
steps. The minister said, Great heavens,
deacon, are you hurt? Let me assist you,' and
he took two quick step, and you have seen
these fellers in nigger show that kick
each other head over heels and fall on their
ears, and stand on their heads and turn around
like top. The minister's feet slipped, and
the next saw he was standing on his head in
his hat, and his legs were sort of wilted and fell
limp BY his side, and he fell over on his stom
ach. You talk about spreading the gospel in
heather lands. 1t is nothing 10 the way you
can spread it with two quarfs of soft SOAP The
minister didn't look pious bit when he was
trying to catch the railing. He looked as
though he wanted to murder every man on
earth, but it may be he was tired. Well, pa
was paralyzed, and he and the other deacon
rushed out TO pick up the minister and the first
old man, and when they struck the step they
went kiting. PAS feet somehow went back
wards, and he turned summersault and struck
fuli-ength on his back, and one heel was across
the minister's neck, and he slid down the
steps, and the other deacon fell all over the
other three. and pa swore at them, and it was
the worst looking lot of pious people / ever
saw. L think if the minister had been in the
woods somewhere, where nobody could have
heard him, he would have used language
They all seemed mad at each other The hired
girl told ma there was three tramps out on the
sidewalk fighting pa, and ma she took the
broom and started to help pa, and / tried to
stop ma, cause her constitution is not very
strong and didn't want her to do any flying
trapeZe business, but couldn't stop her and
she went ont with the broom and towel tied
around her head. Well, don't know where
ma did strike, but when she came in she said
she had palpitation of the heart, but that was
not the place where she put the arnica. O, bul
she did go through the air like bullet through
cheese. and when she went down the steps
felt sorry for ma The minis
ter had got SO he could set up on the sidewalk
with his back against the lower step, when ma
came sliding down, and one of the heels of her
CATERS hit the minister in the hair, and the
other foot went right through between his arm
and his side, and the broom like to pushed his
teeth down his throat. But he was not mad
at ma. As soon as be see it was ma he said:
Why, sister, the wicked stand in slippery
places, don't they? and ma she was mad. and
said for him to let go her stocking, and then pa
was mad, and he said 'Look-a-here, you sky
pilot, this thing has gone far enough and then
a policeman came along, and first he thought
they were all drunk, but he found they were
and he got chip and scraped the
soap off of them, and they went home, and pa
and ma they got IN the house some way, and
just then the letter-carrier came along, but he
didn't have any letters for us, and ne didn't
come up the steps, and then I went up stairs
and said Pa, don't you think it is real mean
after you and fixed the soap on the steps for
the letter carrier, he didn't come on the step
At ALL and pa was scraping the soap off his |
pants with piece of shingie. and the hired
girl was putting liniment on ma and heating it
for palpitation of the heart, and pa said: You
dam idjut, no more of this, or III maui the
liver out Of you,' and l asked him if he didn't
think soft soap would help moustache to
grow, and he picked up mas work-basket and
threw 1t at my head as l went down stairs,
and came over here. Don't you think my pa
is unreasonable to get mad at a little joke that
he planned hisself?"
The grocery man said he didn't know, and
the boy went out with pair of skates over his
shoulder, and the grocery man is wondering |
what joke the boy will play on him to get even !
for the CAYENNE pepner