Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-12-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

What there IS in nama-Mr. THINE
Is the President of the Fat Mems Club.
A farmer in Dakota claims that by
feeding a cow malt and hops she will
give beer instead of milk
Inquiring employer: .'Are the young
mans habits REGULAR" well yes; he
gets drunk about every night.
Every man has three characters
that which he exhibits, that which he
has and that which he thinks he has.
The Lowell Citizen says: THE vest is
a useless article of apparel Pull
down your own vest and let others
alone.
Colonel Tom Ochiltree speaks very
well of the crowned heads of Europe,
and it is probable that none of them
will be removed at present.
Miss uncertain a@e) ~ pride my
self on my descent; one of my ancestors
came over in the Mavfower. De
Smith-'Yas ityour taIhero mother?"
One of the first things a new railroad
acquires is deficit. We don't know
what it is used for but it is part OF the
equipment the first year,
A good bourgeois, with his wife on
his arm, cries out to cartman: ''Why
do you beat your horse SO cruelly?"
Because [ hayn't any wife. .
Never try to take fencing lessons of
3 barbed-wire fence, " said the joker; cit
brings a man little too much up to
the scratch.
A Virginia thief escaped from jail by
crawling through a stove-pipe. Won
der if he was sooted for that method of
escape. = WjlIianasport Grip.
A correspondent asks: docs per-
son whose death is caused by drowning
die of disease?" Can't say. Next time
you see man drowning, ask him.
A New York fashion book says gentle
mems visiting cards should always have
the prefix Mr. Society gentlemen in
the east are sometimes mistaken for
| ladies.
eve heard it said, remarked Fen
derson, ''that a man shouldn't laugh at
his own jokes; never do" ''Does any
body else?" asked Fogg.-DoSton TraU-
eier.
A glass worker can make $185 per
month, and if he works glass in an
other direction he can lose all he makes
and all he can borrow.-Fayette Enter
prise.
A Buffalo man has gone insane from
the contemplation of the ''awfulness of
space" His malady began while act
ing as night editor of a blanket news
paper
There is town on a Missouri rail
road called Coming. 1t is so called be-
cause the passengers are often in doubt
whether the town is moving towards
them or the train towards the town.
Cook Madam, why are the eggs
so small lately?" ''Oh, that is the fault
of the farmers wives. They take the
eggs from the nests before they have
time to grow the the ordinary size"
If the oldest inhabitant could be
bound in calf and kept on shelf until
wanted, he might be useful; but he can
| never be found when his facts are
needed, and so he goes for nothing.
''Where our storms come from. "read
Mr.. Broughne in q scientific paper.
| ''Well, | know where a great many of
them come FROM" he mentally ejacu-
lated, looking up and glancing at his
wife.
There is an old proverb which says:
'You cannot get more out of bottle
than was put in it.. This is a mistake.
A man can get out all that was put in
the bottle and in addition he can get
$40 or thirty days.
Floral umbrellas are now used in
stead of the marriage bell at fashion
oh +ho no
happy pair resume the old custom of
taking any umbrella they can lay their
hands on.
How do the foreign artists get hold
of us to take our money away?" re-
echoes an uptown manager. ''It is be-
cause as a people we haye more curiosi-
ty than have monkeys and more money
than brains.
A Pennsylvania mule, which had
lived in q coal mine for nine years with
out seeing daylight, was hoisted up the
other day, and his first act was to kick
boy sky high. Mules know what
daylight is for as well as anyone else.
1t is now generally believed that the
celebrated remark of the Governor of
North Carolina to the Governor of
South Carolina was made just after Mr.
Evarts had done speaking.-Boston
Star.
Scene, Sunday School. Young Ia
day catechising the children on the
plaques of Egypt. Y. land what
became of the plaques of locusts?" A
pause. Then small boy at bottom sud-
denly, please, miss, [ know! John
the BaptiSt ate them -
''How is your father coming on?"
asked Col. Percy Yerger of darky he
used to own before the war. HE are
dead. +" Dead, is he? He must have
reached very advanced age" HE
did dat, for fac. He was libin' up to
de berry day of his def. >
81 remember you very WE'LL" said
the hotel keeper, ''but your wife has
grown very thin" yes" ''She was
taller" Yes" ''And lighter COM
plexion, was she not?'' Yes. Besides,
YOU know. it is not the same one. -