The Portland daily press., 1883-01-06
WOOh VI %, eIIItI tNr Uyo
us a bill about like this /:

At length perfectly natural thing came
abOut-after we had answered three or four
hundred false alarms-to wit, we stopped
answering them. Yes I simply rose up
calmly, when slammed across the house by
the alarm, almy inspected the annunciator,
notes of the room indicated, and then calmly
took disconnected that loom from theIalarm,
and went back to bed as if nothing had
happened. Moreover I left that room off
permanently. and did notSsend for the expert
Well it goes without saying, that in the
course of time all the rooms were taken of,
aud the entire machinery was out of service.
1t was at this unprotected time that the
heaviest calamity of all happened. The
burglars walked in one night and carried
off the burglar alarm! yes sir everphide
and hair of it; ripped it out tooth and toe
nail; springs, bells gongs, battery and all /;
they took hundred and fifty miles of copper
wire, they just cleaned her out, and bag bag
gage,and never left us a vestige of her to
swear at-swear by I mean.
We had time of it to get her back. but
we accomplished it finally, for money.
When the alarm firm said that what we
needed now was to have her put in right
with their new patent springs in the
windows to make false alarms Impossible
and their new patent clock attachment to
take off and put no the alarm morning and
night without Human assistance That
seemed good scheme. They promised
to have the whole thing finished in ten days.
They began work, and we left for the sum
mer. They worked couple of days; then
they left for the summer. After which the
burglars moved in and begun their summer
vacation. When we returned in the fall the
house was as empty as beer closet In prem
ises where painters have been at work. We
furnished and then sent down to hurry up
the expert. He came up and finished the
job, and said: Now this clock is set to put
on the alarm every night at 10, and take it
Off every morning at 5:45, All you've got
to do is to wind her up every week and then
leave her alone-she will take care of the
alarm herself.
"After that we had most tranquil sea
son for about three months. The bill was
prod gious of course, and I had said I
would not pay it until the new machinery
had proved itself to be hawless The time
stipulated was three months So paid the
bilP, and the very next day the alarm went
buzzing like 10000 bee-swarms at 10o'cock
in the morning. / turned the hands around
twelve hours according to instructions, and
this took off the alarm; but there was an
other hitch at night and had to set her
ahead twelve hours to get her to put the
alarm on again. That sort of nonsense went
on week or two; then the expert came
up and put in new clock. But il was
always failure His clocks all had the
same perverse defect. They would put the
alarm on in the daytime, andphey wonld not
put it on at night and If you forced it on
yourself, they would take it off again the
minute your back was turned.
NOW there is the history of that burglar
alarm-everything just as it happened
nothing extenuated, and naught set down
in malice, Yes, sir; and when I had slept
nine years with burglars and maintained an
expensive burglar alarm the whole time, for
their protection, not mine, and at my sole
cost-for not id cent could 1 get them
to contributed just said to Mrs. McWil-
liamsthat l had enough of that kind of pie +;
so with her full consent I took the whole
thing out and traded it off for a dog, and
shot the dog. don't know what you think
about it, Mr.. Twain; but 1 think those
things are made solely in the interest of the
burglars. Yes, sir, burglar alarm COM
bines in its person all that is Objectionable
about fire, a riot and harem, and at the
same time has none of the compensating adj
vantages, of one sort or another, that Gus
tomarily belong with that combination.
Goodbye. i get off here"
So saying Mr.. McWilliams gathered up
his satchel and umbrella, and bowed him.
self out of the train.