Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1883-01-05
McwILLIAMsEs' BURGLAR ALARM.


Lille H. Barr, IN N. T. Ledger
McwILLIAMSES' BURGLAR ALARM.
The conversation drifted smoothly
and pleasantly along from weather to
crops, from crop TO literature, from lit
erature to scandal, from scandal to- re-
ligion, then took n random jump, and
landed on the subject OF burglar alarms.
And now for the first time Mr. McWill-
Jams showed feeling. Whenever l
perceive this sign on this mans dial
comprehend it, and lapse into silence,
and give him opportunity to unload his
heart. Said he, with but Uncontrolled
emotions:
II do not go one single cent on burg
lar alarms, Mr. Twain-not single
cent-and l will tell you why. When
we were finishing our house we found
we had little cash left over, on ac-
count of the plumber not knowing it. I
was for enlightening the heather with
it, for l was always unaccountably
down on the heather somehow; but
Mrs McWilliams said no, let's have q
burglar alarm. l agreed to this COM
promise. l will explain that whenever
want thing, and Mrs. McWillams
wants another thing, and we decide
upon the thing that Mrs. McWillams
wants-as VIC always do-she calls that
a compromise. Very WE'LL the man
came up from New York and put in the
alarm, and charged 1895 for it, and
said we could sleep without uneasiness
now. So we did for n while-say n
month. Then one night we smelled
smoke, and was advised to get up and
sec what the matter was. lit candle
and started toward the stairs, and met
burglar coming out of a room with n
basket of tin-ware, which he had mis-
taken for solid silver in the dark. He
was smoking pipe, said: MY
friend, we do not allow smoking in this
room" He said he was stranger, and
could not be expected to know the rules
of the house; said he had been in
many houses just as good rs this one,
and it had never been objected to be-
fore. He added that as far rs his eype-
rience went, such rules had never been
considered to apply to burglars any,
way.
~ said: Smoke along, then, if it is
the custom, though | think that the con-
ceding of privilege TO burglar which
is denied to Bishop is a conspicuous
sign of the looseness of the times. But
waving all that, what business have
you to be entering this house in this
furtive and clandestine way, withous
ringing the burglar alarmP
He looked confused and ashamed,
and said, with embarrassment: Il beg q
thousand pardons. did not know YOU
had burglar alarm. else | would have
rung it. beg you will not mention it
where my parents may hear it, for they
are old and feeble, and such q seeming
lywanton breach of the hallowed con-
ventionalities of our Christian civiliza-
ton might all too rudely sunder the
frail bridge which hangs darklng be-
tween the pale and evanescent present
and the solemn great deeps of the eter-
mites. May trouble you for n matchP'
'I said: Your sentiments do you
honor. but, if you will allow me to say
it, metaphor is not your best hold.
Spare your thigh; this kind light only
ON the box. and seldom there; in fact,
my experience may be trusted. But to
return to business. How did you get in
here?'
"Through asecond-story window"
at was even so. / redeemed the tin
ware at pawnbrokers' rates, less cost of
advertising, bade the burglar good
night, closed the window after him, and
retired to headquarters to report. Next
morning we sent for the burglar alarm
man, and he came up and explained
that the reason the alarm did not go
off, was that TO part of the house but
the first floor was attached TO the alarm.
This was simply idiotic; one might as
well have no armor at all in battle rs to
have it only on his legs. The expert
now put the whole second story on the
alarm, charged $500 for it. and went his
way. By-and-by, one night, found a
burglar in the third story about to start
down a ladder, with lot of miscella-
neous property. My first impulse was
TO crack his head with blliard-cue,
but my second was to refrain from this
attention, because he was between me
and the cue-rack. The second impulse
was plainly the sour lest, so refrained,
and proceeded to compromise. / re.
deemed the property at former rates,
after deducting ten per cent. for use OF
ladder, it being my ladder; and next
day we sent down for the expert once
more, ard had the third story attached
to the alarm for $500.
"By this time the 'annunciator' had
grown to formidable dimensions. II
mad forty-seven tags on it, marked with
the names of various rooms and chin,
neys, and it occupied the space of an
ordinary wardrobe. The gong was the
size of washbowl, and was placed
above the head of our bed. There was
wire from the house to the coachman'
quarters in the stable, and noble gong
alongside his pillow.
I'VE should have been comfortable
now but for one defect Every morn
ing at five the cook opened the kitchen
door, in the way of business, and riI
went that gong! The first time this hap
pened thought the last day was come
sure. i didn't think it in bed-no, bu
out of bed--for the first effect of tha
frightiul gong is to hurl you across the
house and slam you against the wall
and then curl you up, and squirm yol
like spider on stove-lid, till some
body shuts that kitchen door. In solio
fact, there is no clamor that is even re
motely comparable to the dire clamol
which that gong makes. Well, this cat
astrophe happened every morning reg
ularly at five o. o'clock, and lost us three
hours sleep; for, mind you, when tina
thing wakes you, it doesn't merely
wake you in spots; IL wakes you al
over. conscience and all, and you ar,
good for eighteen hours OF wide -awaked
ness Observation-Disclosures hours o.
the very most inconceiyable wide
awakedness that you ever experienced
in your life. A stranger died on ou
hands one time, and We vacated ant
left him in our room over night. Di,
that afra o nr WAT for thu nnflaral iiida