The San Antonio light. (San Antonio, Tex.) 1883-1886, 1883-09-26
BReVlTY BASKET.
Fined with Mention of Minor Events and
Funny Items.

fiiied with Mention Of Minor Events and
Funny Items.
"Cook onions to day." he said excitedly.
Cook onions to-day! That whelp in The fiat
above US has insulted mel"-Boston Post.
A Boston man has discovered that il is a
mans legs which drown him. II 1t were not
for his legs he would float. So would cast
iron derrick.
"Why, Smith, what a dreadful state Of in
toxicstion you are in" "rhis dre'ful state
'toricationS last oughter see me thother
nigh. This's only ler'tory."
jar Of whisky about 70 years old was
smashed by crovbar during the excavation
at Bedloe's island. Strong men wept when
they realized the awful calamity.
Spurgeon says that II is possible for man
to be Christian and belong to brass band,
but that it would be difficult for such mans
next door neighbor to be Christian.
An Arizona man at funeral undertook to
enter a carriage which he found empty, but
man with revolver stopped him with "You
can't git in thar-that hacks reserved for the
corpse's cousin"
A Lynn county (Iowa) liar has a stalk Of
corn Io feet high with odd rows Of ears to
each corn. He is probably the mSn who fur
nishes horned toads and five legged ,hingum-
hobs to the greatest and only" circuses.
"Randell nearly always has a smile" says
a Pittsburgh Dispatch correspondent. Mr..
Rsndell must be a man of considerable Judge
ment. All that worries US now is to know
VIII er he carries bottle or flask Oil
City Blizzard.
Chicago is now fourth in the base ball
league contest This does settle it. No
member OF the Chicago club shall saw our
he. L. Il 81 -
matter how hard up he may be for a j)b.-
lChicago News.
A legal gentleman met brother lawyer on
Court street one day last week, and the fol-
lowing conversation took place: "Well,
Judge, how is business" "Dull, dull | am
living on faith and hope" Very good, but
have got past you, for I'm living on charity"
A Connecticut man claims to have a cat
that eats cucumbers. May be all cats do, and
that the music that we hear from the back
fences, instead Of being the outpouring OF Joy
ful cat hearts is the vail of the unrequit.
ted cucumber down in the deep recesses OF the
cat. Come to think Of it, it looks reasonable.
The Luzerne Legal Register says: 1.-THE
new law in Kentucky, fixing one mile as the
legal distance between a church and saloon,
was passed for the purpose OF ascertsining
how rapidly Keniuckian can get over the
ground. Some great bursts Of speed are re-
ported as having occurred"
"The things which we enjoy are passing"
says a celebrated divine. OF course, il is
safer to pas, but it gets decidedly monotonous;
If the Archbishop only knew the JOY of 5000
ping in a big pot on bob-tailed flush, he
would take his chances once in a while and
make his ante good.-Cincinnati Saturday
Night.
civilian Swinton, the we'll known Journal
ist is the way ceriain papers are paragraph
ing John Swinton, the New York Sun thun-
derer. This is quite as ridiculous as the
remark OF the Texas orator who exclaimed
"Ill tell YOU who sot out the tree OF liberty.
II was George NJ. Washington, of Plymouth
Rock -
At Otto, Iowa, recently the hired man and
hired girl OF Tom McNear got married. The
neighborhood boys gave them a charivari, and
after Tom had chased the crowd back and
forth awhile with an ak in his hands, he con-
cluded it was cheaper to negotiate, and paid
them SIS to quit. They accepted the fee and
dispersed.
An ambitions Burlington woman ordered
new poke bonnet: "Make the bonnet as big
as the price" In about week hay wagon,
having scared all the street cars off the track
on its way, halted and drew up in front of her
house with thing on it so much bigger than
the block that the woman couldn't keep ii in
town without paying storage to the city,
[Hswkeye.
1t was Blackhawk county youth who
bought half pound Of ,wder, put il in his
coat pocket, m united horse and started for
home. When he had finished smoking his
pipe he put it in the pocket which contained
the powder, and just then he thought cyclone
had struck him. When he collected his
senses he was lying on the ground, his horse
was gone, and his coat was on FIRE. The
next time he makes a powder magazine
OF himself he will be careful where he puts his
PiPe.-tSioux City Journal.