The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-04-05

I ~ T-re IS the gToTfIsy II don { Know
air. I think You put it on the shelf in
4 tlse dissecting-room with the rest O
rDur surgical Instruments
sDon' pull me around so, said Tie
thief to the policeman. Il have a feioT
upon nv fingert'' ..And j have m,
finser upon a felon,' remarked the
policeman. with sardonic smile.
| An expedition is now talked of which
is to proceed To the Antarctic end %
creation, and finally reach the NORTH
Pole by boring upward through the
earth diameter.
A Chicago man has invented cast
iron tableware that looks just like poree
lain. and is i'm ecstacies when he sees 9
| servant Girl drop half dozen cups and
\ shrek with horror at observing then
failure to break
i The new maid. Visitor: ''Is Miss
Primrose visible?'' Bridget (now Ma
RE. who has been thoroughly drilled
with respect to visitors), ''Well, thai
depends. We've got to put yer name in
the platter Thin tn see. y
/ II is estimated that the valentines sent
tai the feminine sex this year cost over
800. 600; while those sent to the mascu,
/ lines didn't cost over eleven dollars and
a half. A great many comic valentines
can be bought for eleven dollars and 8
There is nothing like settling
down. said the retired merchant con
fideztially to his neighbor. when
gave mp business | settled down, and
| found i had quite a comfortable for
tune If bad settled up should not
have had a cent =
Fifteen years ago the brothers Swan
went into the cattle business with less
thsn $40, 900, and are now the wealthiest
dealers in Wyoming territory. These
I Swans have nicely feathered their nests,
and, no doubt, wear costly "cygnet
rings.
/ One Oliver SWEET. of Boston, offers TO
| wager $500 that he can eat a quart OF
! baked beans for breakfast every morn
ing for thirty days Here is an oppor-
tunity for London Punch to get off one
of its parenthetical jokes; i. e., say that
''such feat is calculated to make one
| Oliver SWEET (all over sweat"
The belief that the people of Pompeii
| cultivated Watermeions is strengthened
| by the discovery, in the course of recent
excavations there of the remains of a
man with his hands clasped across his
stomach There was nothing. however,
to indicate that he was of African de-
scent
A gilt-edged delight is the kind OF
thing that fills mans soul when he Is
ransacking the closet to find a bootjack
and accidentally rakcs out a last sum-
mes straw hat, and notices the senti-
mental things that We're written in it
lastJuly by some bluc-eyed darling IN
he mountains.
why do women so often wander
aimlessly in the murky solitudes of the
dead past. brooding over days forever
gomez asks a correspondent, and we
give it up, unless it be that she hopes by
ransacking the dead past to find that in
the wardrobe of the aforesaid dead past
she may find something to work up into
rag carpet.
The New York Commercial Aduer-
tiser says there is a beggar in Washing
ton who stammerS SO much that it
takes him several minutes to ask for a
c-c-c-c-c-cent As il may take him
several hours to get one, he is fool to
waste so much time asking for cent,
when he could ask for a d-d-d-d-d-d-
dollar just as quickly.
Dampsey went hunting the other day
and took Johnny with him They saw a
rabbit, and Dumpsey drew up and shot.
The cap exploded. and there was a long
sputter, and finally, Just as Dumpsey
took the gun down, the charge went off.
When they got home the folks asked
Johnny what luck they had had. 20,
said Johnny, papa saw rabbit. but
his gun starnmered so he coaldn hit
it. -
why are you in such hurry 20 get
home?' one Frenchman asked al other
who had recently arrived in New York,
and had already bought ticket for the
return trip. ''Ah, my friend, | return
that | may become a member CT the
Cabinet. Indeed What hope have
you of that?" They will have tried
every other Frenchman by the time !
get to Paris, and | must hurry 10 take
my turn.
Imagine an alderman and two com
mon councilmen taking little supper
at the city's expense, for which $40 is
charged. That money would buy 200
plates of hash, 800 doughnuts or 1000
crackers. with cheese thrown in. 1t
would buy forty pots of beans and pork
at 80 cents each, forty plates of roast
beef, fifty lobster salads, or 1873 Is
pieces of pie. What enormous aappe-
titesi
A nice young man thought he had
found something pure and fresh in the
shape of a laughing little witch of
girl, and was on the point of proposing
marriage, when she scattered his fond
hopes to the winds by remarking one
evening: ''You hug and kiss me more
than any gentleman | am acquainted
with, except Bill Wallace; and he is Il
baggage-smasher, and only comes here
once a month.
They had only been married short
time. The other day she slung her arm
around him and warbled, in a low.
tremulous voice: DO you realize,
Adolphus, that now we are married we
are only one?' No" replied the brute.
Il cant realize it. | have just paid n
$75 millinery bin and n lot more of
your bills, with several outside precincts
to hear from. 50 | am beginning to real
ize that, as far as expense goes. instead
of being one we are about half-a-dozen.
/ can't take I'm that idea of our being
one just yet, not by a large majority"
few darc nero a caTnfr-vOaan NJ n