Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1883-08-02
LAUGHING STOCK.

Popular airs-Millionaires.
The last sad rite-Making will.
Kept on tap-The door knocker.
With most people the book of life Is a
pocketbook
He who rescnds to be eyeybody's par
tcular friend is nobody's
Lawyers are about the only class of men
who successfully oppose q " woman's will"
Though Jonah was down in The mouth,
he locked upon the whale as great suck
sess.
The poor man with an idea OF poverty is
no worse of than a rich msn with poverty
of ideas.
In life it is difficult to say who sometimes
do YOU the most mischief, enemies with the
worst intention, or friends with the best.
Bishop Berkeley said that when our Pill
vrim Fathers landed on Plymouth Rock
they first fell on their knees and then on the
Aboriginees.
If any disease attacks peach tree, dig it
up and put another in its place. In llpro-
batility it is a case of the yellows, and the
loss of tree is a trihe as compared with
the danger of spreading the infection.
Instead of emptying the contents OF the
wash tubs in the roadside gutter, or dump
ing them from the steps of the kitchen door.
apply them to the roots of trees, currant
bushes, etc, and you will realize big price
from them.
A Baltimore foreign news editor of one
of the dailies, recently planted a number of
date seed in the garden claimed by his wife
as her especial domain and when she OBJ
jected he said II helps me along, my
dear-I want 'hc earliest dates"
Western genius whose mental makeup
the heat is unduly exciting proposes to train
lot Of "homing" flies and set 'em loose
bound hitherwards. Stop over sugar dish
stations will probably interfere materially
with the scheme.
A French lion-tamer quarrolled with his
wife, powerful virago, and was chased by
her all around his tent. On being sorely
pressed, he took refuge in the cage among
the lions. ooh, you contemplate coward :"
she shouted, come out you dare !"
"Say, Pat, what ever made you go to
work for old Uncle Dan? He's the mean
est man in the country" Name is itY'
said Pat; "why, shure an he's the foinest,
aisyest goin' master liver | had, bedad he
gives a man fifteen hours to do q. days
work in"
A minister not long since preached
sermon on heavenly recognition, taking tfIy
ground kat We would surely know each
other there. The next day he was accosted
by layman who said the discourse was
very comforting, as he bad been member
of the church for dozen years and about
that number Of brethren had made his
acquaintance
A great many fields, especially those long
and narrow, are always plowed the same
way. Simply changing the direction OF
working will often make great increase in
productyeness. The furrow cut across the
old lines Of furrows is not stopped by tho
same stones, while new soil is opened to tho
growth CT plant roots.
"Aunty, dear, the young artist, Herr
Schmidt, again ontreated me at the ball last
evening to lend him my photograph, which
he says will be Of inestimable value to him
in paintins his new picture. lie promises
% return it as soon as the picture is finish
cd. May give it to him?" Aunt" well.
think it will be all right ifyou enclose
with ia picture Of your mother or some 9TH
or elderly person; 10 send your picture
alone to an artists ateier would bea terrible
breach Of etiquette"
A young man in a far Western town met
lady on the street who was from the same
Eastern town he was, but who had never
treated him very cordially at home. She was
glad to see him, and rushed at him with;
"How do you do? am awful glad to
see you. When did you come2 How arc
all the folks?
Every well, thank you. same in"
"Well, Pm 50 glad to see you" she in
terrupted impetuously. "You know,
never knew you very well in s, but get
50 homesick out here that Tm glad TO SEQ
even dog, if it comes from the dear old
place"
The other day Detroit pawnbroker re-
ceived call from young man with the
tan and freckles Of the country on his face
and nose. and an old-fashioned bulls-eyc
} watch in his hand which hedesired to pawn.
: "vhere you lif?D asked the broker.
, ooh, out here "a few miles"
"vhere you got dot yhatch ?"
"It used to be dads, but he gave it 70
me-"
The broker loofed him all over with sus-
picious glance, and asked and received his
his name, ard then added:
"vhy you WANTS to pawn dot vhach,
eh?o
"WeIl, needed little money"
"Dot looks suspicious to me, und gucss
call der boleece."
2 Suspicious Police 1" repeated the