Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-08-27

The trade dollar of modern daddies can
never go to its par.
The potato with all it's eyes is the most
susceptible of vegetables. 1t is so easily
mashed.
Adam was not polygamist although
in his day he married all the women in
the world.
The chairman of political convention
can sympathize with the umpire of base
ball game.
The pen is mightier than the sword,
but it can never hope to compete with
the toy pistol.
Robert Bonner owns 10 horses. or, to
put it more correctly, 10 horses own
Robert Bonner.
''Where do the flies go to?'' asks an
exchange. They have been boarding at
our house this month.
Horse doctors are now admitted to
court in England. The world does sort
of scoot along after all.
Divinity student: What is the best
thing to say when the mosquitoes bite?
No use telling you; you wouldn't dare to
say it.
DIR. Stone observes that the savages of
Africa never stammer. Doubtless they
succeed better in clothing their ideas
than their forms.
Never expect to make living selling
bootjacks in a barefooted town. Might
as well keep bookstore where people do
not read.
A Chicago parrot cries out, Cd the
book agent!" And yet some people
would have us believe that the parrot
talk only at random.
A new definition: ''What did you say
your friend is, Tommy" ga taxider-
mist" "What's that?" "Why, he is a
SOFT of animal upholsterer."
Mans a fool,
When it's hot he wants it cool,
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Neer contented with his lot.
1t has been said 'sThe good die young -
But this is what our sad heart sickens,
Those words that tremble on the tongue
Were never spoken Of Spring chickens.
An umpire's jaw was broken by the ball
| a a Ppnnly1uy, hocahan oh
1t was noticeable that there wasn't per-
son present who wasn't glad it happened.
In one shoe factory in Lynn, Mass, are
thirty divorced wives. When they hear
of girl about to marry they organize a
prayer meeting and weep over her sad
| fate.
1t is the same old story. Two Illinois
farmers had a dispute about the bounda.
ry lines of their farms. Their dispute is
now settled and so are the lawyers-or
| their farms.
The story Of mankind in all ages is told
in this little aphorism, attributed to 6
Georgia darkey ga man that kin MAKE
a libin' playin' de fiddle amt APP to pestel
de hoe handle
A young correspondent complains thai
'there are too many lawyers in the coun
try" Oh, no. my boy; there aren't toe
many lawyers. There aren't half enough
clients, that's all.
Only two short-ssPoor man." said Mrs
Partington ''and so he's really gone a
last; 9S, wasn't he? Dear, dear, to thinl
how if he'd lived two years more he't
been a centurion ~
man who owned the honse next t,
him refused to let it to a young coupl
because they had children. He has sine
rented it to four maids, who, for the SAX
of companionship, have bought pea
cock, pair of guinea fowls, two howlin
dogs, and parrot.
An Atlanta colored girl who was knock
ed down by steam engine got up an
shook herself, and, looking savagely aft
er the machine, remarked, 'sYou's got
heap OBJ politeness to serve lady in tina
way, you has," OF course the engin
was badly cut up by the remark.
The other day, friend called upo
Mr.. T. B. Aldrich. at his office in BostoI
which overlooks the old Granary buryin
ground, and made casual remark on th
pleasant surroundings. s'Yes," said NJ
Aldrich, glancing out of the window {
at the moss-covered tombstones in til
graveyard. 81 have excellent neighbors
they never send in any manuscript"
Gentemen-Your Hop Bitters have been of gre
; value to me. was laid up with typhoid fever
two months and could ge no relief until tri
y your Hop Btters. To those suffering with debili