Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-02-19

| To call a laundress a bosom friend is
| 1at-irony.
The use of iron cannot increase the
running of a dog, but tin can.
| In New York one set of thieves plum
der the harbor, and another barbor the
plumber.
When mans constitution is run
whis-key.
''I am bound to have one blowout be-
fore 1 die" as the man said when he puff
ed out the gas.
A New York girl has made $l50,000 by
a single oil transaction. A can of it ex-
and killed her rich aunt.
The Concord philosophers were thrown
into an intellectual heap by worldly
young man who asked them to come over
| to his house and take Plato soup with
| him.
The meanest slight girl can put upon
an admirer is to use postal card in re-
fusing an offer of marriage. 1t proves
that she doesn't actually care two cents
for him.
| Remonstrance by an Italian minstrel on
board an excursion boat to passenger
who declines to put anything into the
hat: ''What for You beat-a with cane-a
when we playa eh?"
''Did you know" said cunning Yam
kee to Jew, "that they hang Jews and
donkeys together in Poland?" Indeed
then it is well that you and I are not
there retorted the Jew.
The prophets ought to be predicting
the failnre of the ice crop or peach croI
or something. Some people seem tc
fear that they will be forgotten if they
are not continually lying.
The railroad conductor who called OIL
the squire's daughter without the par
ent's consent, remarked that the old MAJ
furnished terminal facilities as well as
free pass through the gate.
s'Is the bowling of Il dog always fol
lowed by death?" asked little girl o
her father. s'Not always, my dear; be
cause sometimes the man that shoot
misses him. was the reply. .
state that our earth was 1000 years age
Proctor has the longest memory we eve
encountered. We can't remember hal
as far back in the dim and misty past.
t Miss Nellie w. Palmer is lecturing i
f Cincinnati on hell, it's locality and th
; nature of its fires. 1t is suspected tha
she has just returned from a visit
Leadville, and knows what she is talkin
about.
A Baltimore landlady says she ca
make delicious mutton soup for thi
G teen boarders out of four ounces of oil
S sheep. We've seen the thing done O
two ounces. 1t can't fail, unless in tin
of drought.
s'You are such a strange girl" sal
Charley; really I don't know what
make of YOU" 'sWell, then, I'll tell yo
= Charley" replied Araminta: "Make
! wife of me-" Charley did SO at the ear
est opportunity.
An ex-consul says when Chinese far
lily invites another family to visit, Il
hour for departure is always mentions
and strictly observed. This saves t
visitors looking around to see where th
are going to sleep.
Tell man who is cross-eyed, that y
" are sorry that you cannot see things
: he does; should he stammer, tell h
not to hesitate to express his opinion
moreover should he not be able to
press his thought, tell him to send tn,
by freight.
ssGoing away?" they asked the m;
who was closing the shutters Of
= house and pulling down the curtai
ssNo,'' he replied, "but am going to
'm- up some stoves, and | don't propose
Old have any inhuman ghouls look in at
to windows and see me and laugh at
sh- misery
me,
ers. A Bristol farmer has tried feeding
hen on red pepper to make her lay eg
She went at once to the barn, and be,
:. scratching in a pile of sawdust VIII
had lain on the barn floor for some ye;
The hen dug up a hatchet and a whis
:. bottle, and then laid an egg and went
ans cacklng. The Bristol man can acco
all for the hatchet, but the whiskey bottl
tate
rict, never. He has been heard to rem;
! sne ae .:Let the id hen cackle, she won't
18th any more red pepper.
N 10
lays,
lary. ..,.. p;o,.,oa $50 .h. e o,, ;,,
for y "ehAo. ~ isei'i'otu sas se = p1opie VII
,am- bath IN hot whiskcy and rock salt twice year
VIII never catch cold. Until somebody has trie,
go nen remedy We would saw stick TO the old aud