davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

drove the goat out The minister, who |
comes to see ma three times week,
was just ringing the bell, and the goat
thought he wanted to be nishiated,
too, and gave him one for luck, and
then went down the sidewalk blating
and sneezing, and the minister came in
the parlor and said he was stabbed,
and then pa came out of his room with
his suspenders hanging down, and, as
he didn't know the minister was there,
he said cuss words, and ma cried and
told pa he would go to hell sure, and
pa said he didn't care, he would kill
that kussid goat afore he went, and l
told pa the minister was in the parlor,
and he and ma went down and said
the weather was propitious for a revi-
val, and it seemed as though an out
pouring of the spirit was about to be
vouchsafed to His people, and none of
them sot down but ma, cause the goat
didn't hit her, and while they was
talkin' religion with their mouths, and
kussin the goat inwardly, my chum
and me adjourned the lodge, and
went and stayed with him all night,
and hain't been home since but /
don't believe pa will lick me, cause he
said he would not hold us responsible
for the consequences. He ordered the
goat hisself, and we filled the order
don't you see? Well, 1 guess l will &C
and sneak in the back way and fine
out from the hired girl how the lanC
lays. She won't go back on me, cause
the goat was not loaded for hired girls
She just happened to get in at thu
wrong time. Goodbye, sir. Remem
Der and give your goat kyan pepper il
: your lodge"
AS the boy went away, and skipped
/ over the back fence, the grocerymal
t said to his brother Odd Fellow, " !
that boy don't beat the devil then
never saw one that did. The old ma
A ought to have him sent to lunati
: asylum. .'-MilWdukee San.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

During the past two months the
price of good Rio coffee has advanced
about % cents per pound, The ad-
vance is generally regarded as specu-
latiye, and may be looked upon in the
light of pnblic misfortune.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21
THE MouNTAINEERs.

The mountain region has been in
habited by irresponsible "poor white
trash," that are the lowest race of
men ever saw, usually tall and
what is remarkable about them, they
90 i'm in groups Of 8 to 5'from place to
place and though you might see lot
of twenty or thirty men, you would
not see a good-looking man among
them. They are very illiteFatel q
dozen or 80 in a county can write their
names, Politically they follow their
old leaders to their own destruction,
and seem not to be aware that the
Bourbon principles has reduced them
to what they are, and though in ante.
belIum days they were not eligible
electors, since they have been enfran'
chised they vote on the color line
They have no idea of reforming politi
cal methods, or what policy could b
inaugprated 10 bring about q pe!te
state Of existence they know little o
what lies beyound:their own mountain
and to them the highest style ant
chief end of man is to get rich enouGl
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

If you don't want to freeze when it's
cold; suffer from excessive perspira-
ton when its warm-use Browns Iron
Bitters.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

There has been snowfall of 10 feet
inches at Watertown, N. ", this
Winter, and very little of the snow has,
melted away. .aa r,9 g
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

A line of steamships between Baltil-
more and London is to be started.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

Guard and protect your health, make
use of that true and efficient tonic med
icine, Browns Iron Bitters.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

Nearly 16S,oOo Germans came to
America last year. $685.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

Browns IRON BITTERs
has been thoroughly tested
for dyspepsia, indigestion,
biliousness, weakness, debil-
ity, overwork, rheumatism,
neuralgia, consumption,
liver complaints, kidney
troubles, &C., and it never
fails to render speedy and
permanent relief.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

. Nerciful Man is Merciful to his Beast"
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

Rev. CIV. RICE, editor of
the american Christian Re
wf7V, says of Browns Iron
Bitters:
Gin, o., Nov. I6, 1881.
Gents The foolish vast
ing of vital force in business,
pleasure, and vicious indul-
gence of our people, makes
your preparation a necessity;
and if applied, will save hun
dreds who resort to saloons
for temporary recuperadon.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21
No Khiskey!

Browns IRON BITTERs
is one of the very few tonic
medicines that are not COM
posed mostly of alcohol or
whiskey, thus becoming a
fruitful source of intemper-
ance by promoting a desire
for rum.
Browns IRON BITTERs
is guaranteed to be a nom
Intoxicating stimulant, and
it will, in nearly every case,
take the place of all liquor,
and at the same time abSo-
lutely kill the desire for
whiskey and other intoxi-
eating beverages.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

Herr Most says that the working
people are worse off in this country
than in Germany; but he does not tell
why it is then that they continue to
come to America by tens of thousands.
Agitators are always too busy taking
up collections) to explainS.s,le things
like that.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

Miss Rowe of Boston has written a
play for seven girls The scene opens
with the girls talking separately. In
the second act they are all talking at
once. In the third act the talk is con-
tinued, and in the fourth act there is
q grand climax. A servant comes in
with the information that there is a
man at the gate, and all rush up stairs
to fix up, while the curtain falls to
slow music.
Smyrna times., 1883-02-21

For clear, bracing Winter weather,
there is no climate equal to that of
Montana. At a hotel fire there the
other night guest in the fifth story
put his head out the window and his
breath froze so solid that, after fasten-
ing one end of it to the bedpost, he
slid down ON the main stem to the
ground and escaped.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
The Cigar as a Social Force.

Make no mistake, says the La
fayette Times, a cigar is a great arbi-
traitor. 1t helps break the ice. it
brid ges over the gulf o. embarrass.
ment in meeting unexpected and un-
desirable parties, it is passport to
good-fellowship and good treatment.
1t tides over that awkward first few
minutes of a business confab with
strangers or men you are little shy
of. and it fills in the odd moments
when you are waiting to see which
way the cat will jump. By the atten-
ton you must give your cigar you
gain time for deliberation, and it
somehow gives you an appearance of
fortitude and composure which you
don't feel in the least. Why, let two
men light cigars and sit down to
make a contract, and I'll guarantee
they'll get 5 per cent better terms
each side than if they nervously
whistled or drummed on the table be-
tween spells. So in business way.
| think it is often an advantage to
smoke. III were a newspaper man
/ should learn that and shorthand the
first thing.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
CORRESPONDENCE SOLICITED
SHERIEE'S SALE.

Whereas, g. A. Hicks, by her certain deed Of
trust, dated the 18th day of September, 1881, AMI
recorded in the recorders ofh Of Pettis county,
Missouri, in recQ:d book twenty and pages SD.
and 605, conveyed to J. G.. Thompson as trustee,
all the right, title, interest and estate i'm and the
folOwIn described real estate, viz: Part of the
west half OF lot No. 9 of he northwest quarter Of
section three, township forty five, range twenty
one; that is to say Beginning at stake ON the
east line Of Washington avenue, on the east ride
of the city of Sedals fifty feet north of the center
of the Pacific railroad track, thence east parallel
with the center of said railroad 1U4 feet thence
north ST. feet; thence west PARALLEL with said
railroad track lO4 feet to the east line of said
| avenue to the place of beginning; which said
convey ance was made in trust to secure the pay
ment of FIVE prOmissory notes, in said deed fully
described and whereas, it is provided in said
deed of trust that in the event of the sickness,
absent from the county other disability of said
trustee to act, the then acting sheriff Of Pettis
county, Missouri, shall sell said property. And
whereas, the said Thompson, trustee, does refuse
10 act, on account IF absence from the county.
And Whereas four of said otes are now due. Now
therefore, in accordance with the provisions Of
said deed of trust and at the request of the legal
holder of said notes. shall proceed to sell the above
described real estate, at the court house door, In
the city of Sedalia, in the county of Pettis state
aforesaid to the highest bidder, for cash. at public
auction, on
WEDNESDAY, THE ED DAY Of AUGUST, 1883.
between the hours of nine o. lock i'm the forenoon
and five O'Clock in the afternoon of that day -
satisfy said notes and the costs o. this trust.
MOSES s. CONNER.
S-7wf Sheriff Of Pettis and acting Trustee.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
A LECTURERS DAILY NEAL.
One of the Many Epicures Who
Dinned at "Dolly's"
Chop Aouse.

Antiqusry.
| Dolly's chop house, that old public
house in PaterlOster Row, which has
OILY within the last few months been
destroyed to make room for MIN.
chester warehouse" was the resort of
many celebrated characters during
the early part of last century. John
son, Goldsmith and Carrie frequented
its rooms continually, and many are
men of learning and fame who have
dined and supped in its long, gloomy
rooms. Among these was DR.. For
dyce, lecturer and essayist of some
note in his time, his habit of dining
was. however, peculiar. He con-
ceived the idea that men eat too fire.
quently, and that, like the lion. he
should only take food once in twenty
four hours. 1t was his habit to carry
out these principles at Do!Iy's chop
house for years, his method being as
follows: At 5 o'clock he regularly
took his seat at one particular table re-
served for him, OH which was placed
tankard of strong ale, a bottle of
port and a quarter of pint of
brandy. Directly the waiter an
nonncel his arrival, tho cook put q
pound +, snhalf of round steak on the
eridirsond aud on the table some "deli-
catsa stster' to- 90 on with till the
std dpeyo S.s ans This was usually halfa
b. tho m.rcha, or whatever fish might
bcure the take. When he had eaten
A merchant ccx glass of brandy and
he first day oi,ceeded to devour the
;snG sighe saA amn he had finished his
II any time 'Ok the remainder Of lie
Business to living, during the dinner,
drying. Tsankard of ale, and the bot
tie Al only + The meal usually occu-
pied,asSS :. UUSSur and half; this left halt
an k:sar % walk to his house in Essex
street. where he arrived in time to
give his 6 o'clock lecture on chemis-
try. 1t is not recorded what effect
these mighty meals had npon the Doc
tors lectures.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
Frightened to Death.

From the hudson MY. Review
On Sunday morning Mrs. William
Thatcher, of Coxsakie, awoke and
found that her seven-weeks-Old boy,
who had been sleeping by her side,
was dead. The discovery so terrified
her that she she screamed again and
again. Mrs. Mary Walsh. resid-
ing near by, was awakened by the
cries, and jumping to the conclusion
that Mrs. Thatcher's husband was
abusing her she ran to the window
and cried, That man is killing his
wife. Oh, if I were only a man!
Won't somebody go?" She took her
head in from the window and immedi-
ately fell back dead. She had retired
the night previous in usual good
health. At the Coroners inquest the
jury returned verdict that the child
came to its death by accidental suffo-
cation and that Mrs. Walsh's death
was due to spasm of the heart, the re-
suit of fright
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
He Was a Sucker, But Too Old.

Cincinnati Enquirer.
A few days ago a stock dealer from
Flora, Ills, arrived in the city with q
couple of car loads of stock, which he
disposed of to good ADVANTAGE. While
down about the Ohio and Mississippi
depot, over which road his stock had
arrived, a pair of bunko sharks sized
him up. and concluded he was just the
man they were looking for, and that
they would turn an honest" penny or
SO by bunkoing the sucker. So No. 1
approached him and said, in the most
cordial manner possible, at the same
time holding out his hand "Why,
how do you do, Mr.. Black? When
did you get here?
The stock dealer said to the nice
young man, 81 guess you are mistaken.
Nv name isn't Black. but Joe Brown,
and I'm from Flora Ills. came
here yesterday with a couple of cars
of stock, and sold out to-day, and
made little money"
Oh" said the nice young man,
'you must excuse me. thought you
were an old friend of mine by the
name of Black who lives at Indian
apolis."
"No harm done, mister" said the
stock-man, as he turned around and
starter up the street.
He had not gone more than a COUP
lie of blocks, however, before nice
young man No. 2 came up all smiles,
held out his hand, and, shaking hands,
said: "Why, I'm real glad to see you,
Mr.. Brown, When did you leave
Flora, and how is father?"
Said Brown, looking the nice young
man over from head to feet: 81 left
Flora a couple of days ago and
brought some stock to the city, but
I'll be gosh darned if l can tell you
how your pap is, for don't know
him."
Don't know my father in Flora ?"
said the slick young man: "why he's
president of the First National hank
there you must certainly know John
Thompson"
"Oh, no, so you say John Thomp-
SOD, president of the First National
bank at Flora, is your pap"
Yes do, said the nice young
man, all smiles "
well, then, if that is the case /
know your pap. you bet your lotion
dol ar / do. | have known him all
nv life but see here. if john Thomp-
sou is your pap, who in the h is
yolr nanny. for old John was never
married ?"
The nice young man suddenly left.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
SlnttftIy yours,
CHAS. EAYRE HINKLEY.
90 EairInOunf ave Jersey City Height. \. j
For Infantile and Birth HUI

DADV For Infantile and Birth HUI
OAO1 mors Rough, Chapped or
BEAU ilf1chPimpie. and Skin Blrm,
is1es, Use CuTICURA SOAP an exquisite SKIN BEAU
IIFIER, and Toilet Bath, and Misery SanatIye.
Fragrant with iici0us flower Odors and Cuticura
baisams. Absolutely pure highly medicinal
i"dorsed by physicians, preferred by tie elite
Sales In 1851 and lSSl, 1,OB,DVv cakes. Also
specslly prepared Tor shaving.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14

A good Boston deacon who is So
iourning at Wellesley was out riding
the other day on road parallel to the
track of the Boston aud Albany when
q train came laundering along behind
his team, which started to run. In
the train were the hOmeward bound
dwellers at the hotel, who seeing the
good mans horses rushing over the
road, insisted upon looking at it as a
race between them and tie train, and
from the car windows yelled, "Hi! Iii!
Go it deacon" Pull out the throttle.
engineer" Two to one on the train. {"
Touch 'em up. deacon" "Put that
fat conductor urder the boiler"
"Y-a-a a-a-h;" to the great scandal of
the good man, whose ceachman finally
succeeded in pulling in the fiery steeds
to the regulation trot. 1t was in vain
for the deacon to attempt to explain
next day, he was only met with,
awful good pair" Neat idea, rae
ing with the train" Put 'em on
the track" "You could drive EN- in
better time yourself" And now The
deacon avoids the homeward trains on
his pleasure drives.-Boston Com
mercial Bulletin.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
Gen. Sherman's Remarkable
Dream.

Gen. Sherman den0uuces as false
the story of his having once seated
himself beneath the outrageous shade
of a weeping willow and cOmbeJ can
non balls out of his nair while fierce
battle was raging. One night. how
ever. he took refuge in an old farm
house near Milledgeville, Ga, and
had fallen into deep sleep when he
was visited by an exciting dream.
He thought the house in which he
slept was surrounded by a band of
guerrillas. that dug a hole beneath
the wall next which he lay, filled the
hole with powder and touched it off.
the explosion that followed was. terri
BILE, and the gen-ral thought he saw
himself flying through the air in Sec
tions. With a howl he sprang out of
bed, rubbed his eyes and hastily
dressing himself went down stairs.
To his surprise his body-guard was no
where to be seen. The inmates of
the house were aparedtly asleep but
the general felt that something was
wrong and slipping quietly out Of the
back door he walked cautiously to the
barn. He DO sooner got there than q
lurid fame shot into the air, followed
by terrific explosion. Turning to
see the cause the general was as
founded to find the side of the house
he had just left blown completely
away, and congratulated himself that
ne had not been blown away with it.
Since that time the g eneral says he
mas been firm believer in dreams.-
New York Journal
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
TRUSTEES SALE.

Whereas, John w. Siebe and Sophia Siebe, his
wife, by their certain deed of trust dated the Gath
fday of July, 1882 and recorded in the recorders
office of Pettis county at trust deed book page TO-
conveyed to y. f. Short trustee, all their right.
title, interest and estate in and to the following de-
scribed real estate situated in the county of Pets
state of Missouri, viz: The northeastquarer of the
southwest quarter and the northwest quarter of
the southwest quarter Of section g. and the north
half Of the northwest quarter Of the northeast
quarter of section 22-all in township "A, of RANGE
TO- and whereas, said deed of provided that i'm
the said trustee refused execute the powers
on him conferred, the sheriff Of Pettis county
should act in his place and stead and whereas said
tr stee has renowned his powers a. such and re-
fused to execute said trust which said conveyance
was made in trust to secure the payment of one
certain prvmmissOry note in said deed described,
and whereas the said note has become due and Is
unpaid now therefore, in accordance with the pro
visions of said deed of trust and the request Of
the legal holder of said note, shall proceed to sell
the above described real estate, the court ouse
door, in the city OF Sedaa, in the county Of Petts
state aforesaid, TO the highest bidder for cash. 1t
public aucti IN,
SATURDAY, THE 25th DAY OF AUGUST, 1888
between the hours of nine in the forenoon and i've
in the afternoon of that day. to satisfy said pote
together with the cost and expense of execu ing
this trust. MosEs s. CoNNOR,
Sheriff of Pettis county and acting trustee
Dated this 7th day Of August, 1889.
s-l4-wN- SANGREE 4 LANN, Attorneys.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
Should Be Side-tracked.

Texas Siftings.
The following jokes, and subjects OF
jokes, should be called in and retired
from circulation. Their length OF
service entities them to a rest:
The original and antique mule
joke.
TIE low, sarcastic fling at the
mother-in-laws.
TIE man who didn't know it was
loaded.
The kerosene-oil girl.
The small boy and the green ap
pie, or the green boy and the small
apple.
The water-melon-colic days.
The editor who is obliged to retire
during the laundrying of his shirt.
The tough beefsteak, the railroad
sandwich, and the celluloid spring
chicken.
The ubiquitous red ants at the pic
mic.
The toy pistol.
The embezzling bank cashier.
The decreasing size Of the straw
berry box and peach crate.
The long hair Oh the husbands coat
collar.
Hair in the butter.
Hair in the hash.
Hair hanging on the back of a
chair.
Hair on toast.
The young man with flute.
The sly wink at the soda fOunt-
ain.
The man who pawned his ulster.
The eucl,re deck i'm the minister's
har.
The bar of soap left on the stair
way.
Herculean butter.
Jokes on Beecher.
Talmage.
Henry Bergh.
Susan B. Anthony.
DR.. Mary Walker.
YOung-man-afraid-Of the old man 3
boot.
The young man and fresh paint, or
the fresh man and young paint.
The hotel clerk.
The wife and the new spring bon
net.
Husband being out late at the
lodge.
The fly on the baldheaded mans
head.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
CHARACTERS IN SMOKING.
The Peculiarities OF Smokers as
Seen by q Cigar Dealer.

Chicago News.
Its twenty years" said cigar
dealer. 'nOw since [ began to sell to-
bacco, and i'm that time | have closely
studied the characters OF NV patrons,
forming my conclusions from the
kind of company they keep. i
mean by the kind Of cigars they smoke.
l can always tell. An even-tempered,
quiet fellow never goes to an extreme
in choosing tobacco ; nervous man
wants something strong and furious !;
q mild man, something that
smokes and nothing more. Then there
is a great deal in the way nen handle
their cigars. Very few can smoke
on one side as we'll as ON the other.
Men come in here every day vino
have been smoking for thirty years,
and if they were to place a cigar on
the wrong side of the mouth they
would appear as clumsy and green as
a boy who was trying his first weed.
The muscles of the face become set to
one position. Any change requires a
reorganization of the face. So it amt
by the way the cigar is embraced in
the mouth that you can estimate a
man. liza man smokes his cigar only
enough to keep it lighted, and relishes
taking it from be, tween his lips to cast
a whirling curl of blue smoke into
the air, set him down as an easy.going
fellow, who cares little for how the
world goes and no more for himself.
He has keen perceptions and delicate
sensibiIities. He will not create
trouble, but is apt to see it out when
it is once begun. Beware of the mau
who never releases the cigar from the
grip of his teeth, and is Indifferent of
whether it burns or dies. He is cool,
calculating and exacting. He is sell
dom energetic physically, but lives
easily off of those who perform the
labor. A man who smokes bit. rests
a bit and fumbles the cigar more or
less, is apt to be easily affected by
circumstances. He may be energetic.
careful and courageous, but he is vac
ciIlating and liable to change on mo-
ment's notice. If the cigar goes out
frequently, the man has whole-souled
disposition, is a devil-msy-care sort
of fellow, with lively brain and a
glib tongue, fine fund of anecdotes
and yarns. To hold half of the cigar
in the mouth and smoke indiAerently
is lazy mans habit. They are gen.
orally of little force, and their charac-
ter is not of the highest strata. A
nervous man, or one under exacting
influences, fumbles his cigar a great
deal. He is kind ofpopinjay among
men. Holding the cigar constantly
between the teeth, chewing it occasion
ally and not caring whether or not it
has been lighted at all, are charcter-
istics of men with the tenacity of bull
dogs. They never forget anything
and never release a hold. The fop
stands his cigar on end, and an mex
perienced smoker either points it
straight ahead or almost at right
angles with his course.
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14
A CARD.

To all who are suffering from me errors
and indiscretions of youth, weakness, early
decay, loss of manhood, &C., 1 will send a
recipe that will cure YOU FREE OF
CHARGE This great remedy was dis
covered by missionary in South America.
Send q self-addressed envelope to Rev
JOSEPH 7. INMAN, Station d, New York
City. lO-l1deodw&s1v
The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1883-08-14

1850 per year can be easily made at
home working for E. q. Rideout & Co =, 10
Barclay street, New York. Send for their
catalogue and full particulars. 11-1w1y