The true northerner., 1883-06-01
HUMOR.

UA40 LII oOA46ASs
WHxx the short woman begged the
hall man for kiss. she stopped to con-
cur.
SpIcER says the man for q church
sexton is the man who has no music in
his sole.
EYES," said tho landlord. pointing to
his block OF new houses. they're all
full, except the one at the end. That's
last, but not leased"
TIE male residents OF Jerusalem,
upon arising in the morning. thank
God they were not born women. The
women look at them and respond with
o hearty amen.
A MANS business seriously affects his
morals. If, for instance, shoemaker
takes unto himself two wives, and the
legal question comes up as to which he
shall support and which discard, Is IT
not true that as q cobbler he should
stick to the last?
A WESTERN corporteur was once con-
versing with an Illinois man on his re-
ligious duties. Said he: do you At
tend church regularly?' "Oh, no, l
never go to church, but alters make 1t
pint to tend all the funerals. They
be just as solemn, and thar hisn't n"
Reflections.
A HOUSEHOLD journal says "soapsuds
is not the best wash for silverware.
This is important if true; but what the
society" young man wants to know Is
how to polish up dollar store diamond
pin so that it will look like q gem OF
the first water-NorriStoUH Herald.
"WELL," remarked young M. D.,
just from college, Il suppose the next
thing will be to hunt for a good loca-
tion and wait for something to do, like
Patience on q monument Yes"
said bystander, "and it won't be long
after you do begin before the monu-
ment will be on the patients.
A LITTLE Austin boy visited his uncle
on his birthday, AID congratulated him
He then asked his uncle tf he had
washed himself. "Why SOP" asked the
uncle, patting the innocent prattler on
the head. Because papa said IL you
did the clean thing you would give me
at least dollar.-Teras SJtings.
eyes, brethren" said preacher from
his pulpit, You are the passengers on
q ira speeding its straight and mar
row way to glory, and / am the con-
ductor of that train, thank the Lord. :
"You run her hrst-class j should say,
remarked stranger, looking over the
congregation, "from the number 6
sleepers you're hauling"
ONE of our exchanges heads an item
"a Bad Runaway" Has any one ever
seen good runaway?-E1. Well,
when the rich old folks object, and the
young man runs away with their daugh-
ter, and the knot is tied before they are
away-by the young couple, at least
No1ristO,Cn Herald.
HAVE you anything extraordinary on
your person by which you could be
identified?" asked an Austin doctor,
who was examining Bill Colbert for .
life-insurance policy. Colbert thought
for a good while before he answered.
At last he replied that he had the re-
quired peculiarity. What mark is it p
Fearful cramps when l eat green
corn"
THE first quarrel: Philip Fogy, Jr.
(who has refused, after prolonged dis
cussion, to get CANDY raiment and take
his wife to the Derbruno's fancy balD,
morosely-"I wish L had married a
sensible woman" His recently acquired
sponse Ito whom the said ball is for the
moment much more attractive than
heaven), vindictively ly-"She wouldn't
have had you"
ALL the passengers in the street car
on Austin avenue were very much an
noyed by crying child, and one old
gentleman appeared to be particularly
exasperated. Il do wonder what little
wootsy tootsy is crying about" said the
mother, dancing the infant up and
down. Il know what he is crying
about. He has been crying about six
blocks; ever since you got into the
car. ."-Tecds SUti11gs.
"OH, yes" said madame, after the
usual domestic racket had got itself
well under way; ooh, yes, you gentle
men want your wives to be angels I"
"Not at all, replied Mr.. Dusenberry,
wiping the dish-water from his head
and face; "not at all we don't want
them to be angels at all we want them
to be ladies'" And then the row began
all over again, and the cat crawled
softly into the cellar to drop anchor
until the storm should be over.
TO CIGARETTE.
Burn, burn, burn,
And tell of thy charm to me;
For / cannot utter Alright
The affection feel for thee.
o mourn for the college student
Who never has felt thy sway;
D hail TO the cigarette,
That banishes care away.
Let them tell of the baneful poison
That turks in the ,inty fold:
But for package of good Sweet Cap-
And touch Of the spell that Is old
Burn. burn, burn,
In clouds of eddying rings,
And carry to heaven as incense
The words thy poet sings.
-Anaherst Student.