Milford chronicle., 1883-05-18
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER.
The Spring Carpet-A Regular BOy s Cone
slderRte Suicide Horace Greeiey's
Suapcnders, Rte. Etc.
ASK YOUR PASTOR.

People ought to live in every room in
the house. have built a great many
houses-On paper, and am at it yet.
I would avoid the spare room. It Is
cold and damp. There is nothing in a
spare room that will burn. I have often
tried to warm bed in a spare room, but
always failed; If you have any doubt
about the spare room ask your pastor;
he knows all about it. "
A LOOSE sUsPENDER.
Speaking of dress reminds me Of
story once heard about Horace
Greeley. The old Tribune philosopher
was peculiarly sensitive about any ref
erence to his attire, the slovenHness Of
which would have attracted attention
almost anywhere. On one occasion, just
as he was about leaving the office to at
tend a political lecture, the Albany
correspondent, an old friend whom
Greeley had sent up the river to write
rubbishy letters in order to be out Of
the way, entered. His eyes detected
something wrong in the editors rear.
"Excuse me, Mr. Greeley" he said
hesitatingly, "but-your sllspender is
hanging down below your overcoat.
You can't go out on the street in that
way"
" Confound your impudence
squealzed Horace, with face as red as
a lobster. "Never you mind my sus-
pender. It's blamed sight better than
your Albany correspondence, anyway"
The meddler vanished, utterly ami
hilated
SHE WATCHED AND WAITED FOR HIM.
They were an old couple coming East
by the Michigan Central. When the
brakeman announced, Marshall
twenty minutes for dinner" they both
left the car and entered the eating
house. They had scarcely seated them
selves at the table when the husband
took out his old-fashioned bull's-eye
watch, squinted at the time and passed
it to his wife with the remark.
'Now, I'll eat and you hold the watch,
and if we get left it'll all be your fault
Sing out at the end of eighteen minits. &"
And the good-natured old wife sat
there without eating a mouthful and
timed him while he pitch-forked every
thing within reach into his stomach ~
Detroit Free Press.
HEROIC TREATMENT.
"Oh, you better talk I" exclaimed !
Mrs. Smith to her lord and master, who :,
vas joking her upon her running after :,
lin. " "You know you We're dead in
owe with me, and it was only because 1
vas afraid you'd sicken and die that 7
ook com passion ON you" "Well," re h
,lied Smith, "if 1 did love you so des- 4
,erately, you cured me, dearest. I'll i
i've you that credit; but it was the hero I,
cest kind of heroic treatment "-Bostoa i
Transcript W
A CONSIDERABLE SUICIDE.
If Col. Bluford is more precise about !,
ne thing than another, it is his razor. !.
Te is so particular about it that he has +
lmost come to the conclusion not to al A.
DIV himself even to use it on his own q
hin on Sundays Bluford went off fish =;
lg a few weeks ago, and while he was a
one his partner, who was also his room =,
late, committed suicide. The Colonel Il
'as asked by telegraph to return. He s
anne back as fast as he could Meeting !,
friend at the depot, he asked in a voice -
usky with emotion: =
g Is it fact that my partner has COM =,
litted suicide % !,
" Yes he was buried this morning" N
The blanched face of Bluford became u
lore blanched than ever. His voice e,
FUNDED unnatural as he whispered
oarsely
/" How did he do it?' fy
" Morphine" IN
" Thank Heaven cried Bluford fall N
ig. "My razor is safe but might ~,
ave known it would be, for George was ev
ne of the most considerate men. Ishall mr.
ways revere his memory. ."-For's Do Of
igs. to
THE DULE. IN
The Dude has hitherto been without a m,
ltional anthem, but it seems as if that so
ere supplied IN the chorus Of a London tn
we should say Lunnon-song, which is wa
follows: AL
j, that's the way to the Zoo, that's the way to Sc,
the Zoo 10
e monkey-house is rather full, but there's :,
room enough for you; ~
before it shuts, ms
ID on Monday VIII visit You and bring you tie,
plenty Of nuts. tbl
NO SPIRIT THERE. su
This little incident is given by the hi,
liter to show that some travellers have OF
{ sense enough to diagnose family wi
zen they see one. A traveller saw a tin
,man take a man by the collar, yank so
m up the steps into a railroad car, jam he
N down into the hot seat next the tn,
we, pile up a valise and two brown ne
skets. with loose covers and long han a {
IS at his feet, shove a baby into his lap ho
4 say Now, sit there until help til,
ary Jane on the car, and don't you nae
we until l come back When the ha
man reached the car door the traveller th,
d to her 'Is that man your hus- Of