Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-05-17

BnOW now 70 dress. lnon Why uoh
Ifhsy do pc 9T.9 % -. tHa
- :. A philosopher iniormsu us thatA bonnet
y no longer bonnet when 1t becomes
. pretty woman. And the inference is
that Q woman is no longer q woman
when she becomes poke" .s, sf.
6l A well-known member of the Chicago
Bicycle Club has met with such CON-
plete business failure that he has rugged
an emery wheel on top of his machine
and now goes about grinding scissors.
"Ahr' moaned widow, recently be-
reayed, ''what misfortune! know
what kind Of o husband i have lost, but
how can know what kind of husband
his successor will be?"
Six persons who climbed the icy
mountains of Switzerland last year were
overtaken by fatal accidents. II is far
safer to stay at home and climb a
creased pole.
Mistress Ito applicant for cooks posi-
tion)-"Why did you leave your last
placer" Applicant-"You're very in
quisitive, marin. l didn't AK you what
for your last cook left you." A.t
A South Carolina editor hung him
self the other day. Some editors resort
to most extreme measures in order to
improve the quality of the contents of
their papers. s#. . . .., q,
Two young ladies left their escort at
party a few evenings since, and went
home alone, distance of over a mile.
The reason assigned is the young man
who attended them had firted with an
other young lady during the evening.
"Why, I'd like TO know" said a lady
once to a distinguished judge, "cannot
woman become q successful lawyer"
at simply arises from her invariable
habit of giving her opinion without any
pay" answered the Judge.
The Chicago papers say there are
1000 kleptomaniae. in Chicago. The
City Council Of Chicago was always an
unwieldy body, but we never imagined
It was SO large as that.-RanSas City
journal.
For the sake of doing something unu-
sual and being talked about, there are
men who would attempt to get up a
subscription for the relief of those who
had lame thumbs caused by the labor of
cutting coupons from their own govern
ment bonds.
The Boston Post believes that the
idea of having State capitols in large
cities is all wrong. "Have 'em in small
towns" the Post says, .'where hotels
are bad, variety shows scarce, and most
of the girls homely. Then you'll get
short sessions and quick adjournments. "
"Why don't you come to Sunday
schoolP'' said a Superintendent to a
boy. .'Cause pa owes my teacher for
@ pair of boots, an the teacher got to
sending notes home by me, an pa said
needn't go any more till he paid for
the boots, an | don't reckon I'll go any
more"
A stylishly dressed woman entered
restaurant The waiter handed her a
bill of fare, and said: please mark of
the dishes you wish to order" Taking
the pencil she made a few dashes, and
her order read: .'Dinner 30 cents"
'sFeb. 20, 49," vegetables "please
pay at the desk,' celery"
Nothing makes a hard-working mar
ried woman SO mad as to work all the
morning making stuffing and uncan-
ming jelly, and then to find out that the
bunch of canvasbacks her husband has
hung up on the back porch are only
lot Of decoys he has bought for shoot
ing trip.
United States Consul Sprague, at
Gibraltar, writes an elaborate report to
the government on american Mules in
the British Army There, now, you
newspaper men! You've gone and per-
secuted poor Freddie Gebhardt till he
has been obliged to join the British
Army.
A lover was taking his young lady
out for a drive. Being determined to
have it over with her, he popped the
question, and in his excitement pulled
the horse on one side, and the trap
struck mile post. The girl was thrown
high into the air, but as she came down
she uttered firm "Yes, Charlie and
then tainted.
"Yes," said the witness, Il remem-
ber the defendants mother crying on
the occasion referred to. She was
! weeping with her left eye-the only one
she has-and the tears were running
down her right check. ''Whatr' ex-
claimed the Judge, show could that
bep" "Please your HONOR said the
witness, "she was awfully cross eyed"
A servant girl who had been admon-
. ished by her mistress to be careful in
sSvx,ccL;,,5 ,,x~f1 x1n fno ths sv,oso
3 overheard shortly afterward indulging
in the following soliloquy while in the
act Of washing the sugar basin: IF !
was to drop this ere basin, and was to
catch it, suppose I shouldn't catch it;
but If was to drop it and wasn't to
catch it, l reckon ] should just catch
it,
Malcolm Ito the colonel, who has
been narrating his adventures all over
the globe:) "Ye must ha' had gran
sport among the black men, sir. Had
they ony releegionp" Colonel: "All
kinds, Malcolm. Some worshipped
idols, some the sun, some the moon,
some the water" Malcolm: "The wa
ter! (musing) "Aweel, sir, couldna'
bring myself to care for that!"
Mrs. Langtry, in answer to the ques-
ton: What are your special petsp"
replied: II like best dogs and horses.
T have lovely collie, q parrot, and an
q excessively ugly but fashionable German
pup, with very short legs and long
body We believe Gebhard is not a
German but an American. The name,
however, is perhaps responsible for the
mistake, as the rest of the description
seems to be all right.
A new system Of preserving butter,
by covering 1t with layer, an inch in