Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-30
His Pas Marvellous Escape.

store one cold morning, leaving the door
open and picked up a cigar stub that
had been thrown down by the stove
and began to smoke it.
Shut that door, dunn you. Was
you brought up in saw mill? You'll
freez' every potato in the house. No,
| haven't got vaseline. What do you
want of vaseline?' said the grocery
man, as he set the syrup keg on achair
by the stove where it would thaw out.
want to rub it on pas legs said
the boy, as he tried to draw smoke
through the cigar stub:
Why, what is the matt with your
pas legs: Rheumaiiz?'
'Wuss nor rheumatic said the boy,
as he threw away the cigar stub and
drew some cider in a broken tea cup.
Pa has got the worst hind legs you
ever SAW. You see, since there has
been so many fires pa has got of'ul
scared. and he has bought three fire
escapes. made of rope with knots in
them, and he has been telling US every
day how he would rescue the whole
'amil; in Case Of fire. He told us to be
cool. whatever happened, and to rely
on him. Ii the house caught on fire
we were to rush to pa. and he would
save us. Well, last night ma had to
90 to one of the neighbo where they
was going to have twins, aud We didn' t
sleep much. cause ma had t. come
home twice in the night to get saffron.
aud an old flannel petticoat that | broke
in when | was kid. cause the people
where ma went did not know as twins
were on the bill of fare. and they only
had flannel petticoats for one. Pa was
cross at being kept awake, and told
ma he hoped when all the childr, II in
Milwauk, were horn and got grown
up, she would take in her sign and
not 90 around nights acting an usher
to baby matinees. Pa says there ought
to be Il law that b:hies should arrive
on the regular dav trains, and not
wait for the midnight express. Well.
pa he got asleep, and he slept till
about eight o'clock in the morning.
and the blinds were cl sed. and it was
dark in his room. and | h d waited
for my breakfast till | was hungry as
a Wolf, and the girl told IN" TO wake
pa ny, so went up stairs, and don't
know what made me think of it, but |
had some gun powder they make red
lire with IN the rheatr that me and
my chum had the 4th Of July. and |
put 1t in wash dish in the bath room,
and ] touched il of and Followed fire.
| was gong to wake pa up and then
,ell hln It was a right. and laugh at
him. guess there was too much fire,
or yelled to loud, cause pa jumped
out Of bed and grabbed rope and
rushed through the hall towards the
back window. that goes out on she'd
| 'rled t. say something, but pa ran
over me and told me TO save myself,
and | got TO the window TO tell him
there was no fire just as he let himself
out the window. He had one end of
the rope tied to the leg of the wash
stand, aud he was climbing down the
back side of the she'd by the kitchen,
with nothing on but his night shirt
and he was the horriblest looking OBJ
lect ever wa~. with his legs flying and
trying 10 stick his toe nails into the
rope and the side of the house. |
don't think a man looks we'll in socie-
~ with rothing on but his night
shirt. didn't blame the hired girls
for being scared when they saw pa
aud his legs come down outside the
window, and then they yelled, | went
down to the kitchen, and they said IA
crazy man with no clothes but pill
low case around his neck was trying
to kick the window in, and they run
into the parlor, and opened the door
and let pa in the kitchen. He asked
me if anybody else was saved, and then
told him there was no fire, and he
must have dreamed he was in hell.
or somewhere. Well, pa was astonish-
ed, and said he must be wrong in the
head, and left him thawing himself
by the stove while | went after his
pants, and his legs were badly chilled,
hat / guess nothin' was froze. He
lays it all to ma, and says if she would
stay at home aud let people run their
own baby shows, there would be more
comfort in the house. Ma came in
with bowl full of something that
smelled frow,, and after she had told
US what the result of her visit was,
she sent me after vaseline to rub pa s
legs. Pa says he has demonstrated
that if man is cool and collected, in
case of fire, and goes deliberately at
work to save himself, he will come out
all right"
well, you are the meanest boy l
ever heard of, said the grocery man.
"But what about your pas dancing a
clog dance in church Sunday. The
minister's hired girl was in here after
some Goldfish yesterday morning, and
she said your pa had scandalized the
church the worst way
%, he didn't dance in church. He
was Il little excited, that's all. You
see pa chews tobacco, and it is pretty
hard on him to sit all through the
sermon without taking chew, and
he gets nervous. He always reaches
around in his pistol pocket, when they
stand up to sing the last time, and
feels in his tobacco box and gets out a
chew, and puts it in his mouth when
the minister pronounces the benedic-
ton, and then when they get out doors
he is all ready to spit. He always
does that. Well, my chum had a
pre-, ent, on Christmas, of a music box,
just about as big as pas tobacco box,
and all you have to do is to touch a
spring and it plays, She's Daisy
She's Dumplin.' | borrowed it and
put it in pas pistol pocket, where he
keeps his tobacco box, and when the
; choir got most through singing pa
, reached his hand in his poket and be.