News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-03-01
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM THIS "EEh'
The Spelling SCHOOL, Deaf L"ndlor"-h"o
New BOy-ToO Large, Etc. Etc.


a dozen leaves OF spencer anu
the half of broken slate.
The teacher however, went to work to
hammer knowledge into their cranlulnS,
and he had convinced most of them that
tbe world WAS round, and that the sun
neither rose nor set in that country, when
it came time to have spelLng-school.
For convenience sake it was held III
bio barn. and the turnout included
everybody from the boy who spelled
d" corn the same as "hOrse, for con-
venience sake, to the old man who always
put Gin haist" on his letters to his
brother in Vermont.
1t wasn't much of contest until the
last half-dozen lowered aloft. Catarrh !"
and photograph " laid 'em out by the
dozens, and when only the champions
were left "Constantinople" foored all
but two like holt of lightning. Then
came the word parasite. One rendered
it "parysight," and the other gave 1t
"perrysyte," and when the teacher shook
his head one cried out:
Give writ that word over a hundred
times, and [ guess [ know
''And I've seen 'em every day of my
life for forty years, and don't sit down
for ANYBODY " added the other.
cit is parasite, - replied the teacher.
81 dispute it "
$50 do l.
"That's the way Webster gives it.
"Whos Webster?"
eyes, trot him out.
Then the friends of either rose up. In
the shindy the teacher came in for two
black eyes, a cracked rib, kicks in the
shin and bites on the ears, and the min
ute he could get clear and over the fence
he headed for Detroit and reached home
III want of so many repairs that it took
two months to make him presentable.
He had a few dollars due him, and he
left change of clothes up there, but he
doesn't want to hear from the directors.
They may consider that he has resigned,
and any parasite desiring the situation
can have the vacancy without paying
bonus. -DetroH Free Press.
STORY OF A LEGISLATOR.
One of the Representatives to the
Michigan Legislature in 1856 had bill
in regard to fishing in certain inland
lakes, and another had one in regard to
fish-ways in dams on various rivers.
One day, when the House was in Com
mittee of the Whole, the fish-way bill
came up, and the inland lake man mis-
took it for his own, and arose and made
a forty-minute speech urging its passage.
He was still piping away when his atten-
ton was called to the mistake, and after
stammering around and swallowing
three or four Jumps in his throat, he
called out:
"Mr. Speaker, I've been fishing in the
wrong waters, and no wonder [ didn't
get bite Please excuse my speech.
That is, please consider that [ didn't
make one. That. is, Mr.. Speaker, don't
let it go into the Journal that L was idiot
enough not to know the difference be
tween the pickereI of an inland lake and
the suckers in a muddy mill-pond. !
will now begin all over again ~
THE NEW BOY.
He was a bran-new office boy, young,
pretty-faced, with golden ringlets and
blue eyes. Just such a boy as one
would imagine would be taken out of his
little trundle-bed in the middle of the
night and transported beyond the stars
The first day he glanced over the Ii.
brary in the editorial room, became ac.
quainted with everybody, knew all the
printers, and went home in the evening
as happy and CHEEKY as a sunbeam. The
next day he appeared, leaned out of the
back window, eXpectOrated on a bald
headed printers pate, tied the cat up 10y
the tail in the hallway, had four fights
with another boy, borrowed 50 from al
occupant of the building, saying his
mother was dead, collected his two days
pay from the cashier, hit the janitor will
brOOmstick, pawned a coat belonging
to member of the editorial staff
wrenched the knobs off the doors, upset
the ice-cooler, pied three galleys of type
and mashed his finger in the small press
On the third day a note was received
saving: mi Mother do not want [ tC
work in such dull place. She says !
Would make Good preacher. so Do I
mi finger is Better; gone tishin'. Yours
Till Death do Yank us.
THE DEAF LANDLORD.
"Poker Bill tells of a boarding house
keeper who is afflicted with very con,
venient degree Of deafness. He hears
only when it is for his advantage to do SO
and is apt to misunderstood to his Owl
interest. Bill gives the following i'll
stance of this perversity:
"When [ went to breakfast yesterday
morning, [ went up to the counter ant
asked my landlord if anybody had called
to ask for me.
'Says the landlord: TT Will be Just
thifty-five dollars at the end of this
week
Said [: HIS there been a man here
to see me this morning. one-eyed man .?
"'Glad you want to pay it now; IneeG
money very badly, says my landlord.
Then 1 yelled: Has anybody asked
for me this morning ?"
q" No, don't want to sue you, but ]
shall expect the money next Monday
sure, says ray landlord.
"'AI right, I'll pay you, yelled I.
"'You needn't yell i'll that way, I'm {
little deaf, | know, but [ can still hem
thunder, said my landlord.
"'Then comes in another boarder ant
SAYS, Good morning.
"T'II see in Il minute says the land
lord: 4 believe it's only about fifteel
dollars
$50 it goes on, right along. Tn going
to pay up next Monday" says Bill, "anc
YOU bet I'll never stop with another dea
landIord-not if [ know it p Virginia
tfty (Nev.) Enterprise.
NO PROOF REQUIRED,
Branch Covington was tried yesterday
and acquitted of having slandered A. c
Chaplin, a prominent Austin lawyer
Chaplin enjoys the reputation of being
tricky, hence the jury did not hesitate t'
acquit Covington, who had merely statec
that LAWYER Chaplin was scoundrel
Quite an amusing incident occurred dur
ing the trial. One of the witnesses, who
was being cross-examined by Chaplin
himself, was asked if he heard Coving