davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
Not Enough Religion to Buck Against
SAC. .0C0.

\ gocd thing is related as having
occurred in a bal Der shop in Il certain
town in this country recently. We'll,
said the barber to the usual crowd OF
loungers about such place, i guess
the monkey show will come off this
evening" What kind Of Il show is
that?' inquired a stranger in the chair.
oh, there's to be wedding in town.
replied the larber. who is to be mar
ried?' We'll some travelling man out
West is going to marry old Mrs. Horns
wogle's daughter. They would have
been married year ago if it had not
been for the old woman 'What was
wrong with her?' 'Oh, she's regu-
lar old tom-cat with goggles on. She's
too pious to blow her nose, and the
ellow is an out-and- out infidel.' And
how have thsy Fixed it, that the mar
riage is to take place now?' We'll he's
worth about forty thousand dollars,
and she handn't enough religion to
buck against that. But it's lucky
for him that he lives good way from
the old woman The stranger was
shaved, and as the barber was brush
Ing his coat he inquired: Il say mis-
ter, do you live in this neighborhood?'
No. replied the stranger, Pm from
the West. I'm the fellow that's to be
married this evening.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
law Points.

A book account can be assigned so
that the assignee can sue thereon in
his own name.
A master may recover the value of
the apprentices service for his unex
pired term from the one who abducts
bim.
The owner of lands is responsible for
damages arising from an area unpro-
tected opening into public tootway.
Tearing off the seals of a mortgage
or even its entire destruction, by an
unauthorized person will not cancel it.
An assignment of rent alter it Is due
will not convey any right Of suit to
the assignee, nor divest the lessor OF
his right.
Untying and removinga horse from
a public hitching post, when done by
anyone without authority, amounts to
trespass.
If "a person intoxicated fall asleep in
his wagon and his horse run away, he
would be liable to all damages arising
therefrom.
1t is a debatable point Of law, whe-
ther striking horse attached to car
riage in which person is sitting is an
assault on the person
A female cannot be arrested in a
civil suit in this State for fraud, but
she may be attached for contempt for
non payment Of costs.
A person whose goods are unlawful-
ly distrained for rent does not forfeit
or waive any legal right by not claim
ing the goods when the distress is first
made.
The owner OF a steam boiler, which
he has in use on his own property, is
not responsible in the absence of neg
ligence for the damage done by its
bursting.
A bank is not liable for the loss by
burglary of valuables deposited in the
vault Of the bank, and no. compensa-
tion paid therefore, when the effects OF
the bank are also kept in the same
vault.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
Bro. Gardner's Advice.

'Am Trustee Pullback in de hall to.
night?' asked the President as the
band ceased singing, and a window
was lowered to let the smoke escape.
FHe air, sab, was the prompt re-
sponse as Brother Pullback rose of
his stool.
please step dis way
| When the tall form and shining
pate of the member had toed the mark
before the desk Brother Gardner con-
tinued:
'Brudder Pullback, l has received
letter AKIN permishun fur you to
visit the town of Akron, o., an de-
liber your celebrated address on de
Rise an Fall of De Rail Fence [ has
answered dat you will be dar' on time,
your froat in good shape fur two
hours speech
Pullback trembled with emotion,
and murmurs of admiration were
heard from every corner of the hall.
'Befo' you sot out on dis Journey
resumed the President, 4 want to gin
you few words of fatherly advice.
You will fur a time represent the
Guild element of Detroit, an you will
be pi'nted out as well known mem
Der of the Lime Kiln Club. All your
words an deeds will be tooken notiss
of, an people will forgit de size OF
your feet in deir anxiety to know
whether you am second growth hick-
ory or Eastwood stained ober.
'Lon't cary de deah dat you own
all De co'ner lots in Detroit an am
waitin' fur a certain rise of 200 per
cent befo' sellin'.
Don't take along any brass watch
chain or dollar stoh diamond. an de
fust time you see anybody look twice
at ,yer new plug hat take it off and
brush de nap de wrong way on yer
elbow.
'Doan' talk horse, religun, polly
ticks, free trade nor proteckshum.
What you doau' know on dose subject
would fill big book, an what you
know you can't half tell on account Of
your asthma.
You will be offered de freedom of
de city in tin box. Accept it wid
thanks, but pay fur your beer an
cigars, an bring de box home to keep
cold biscuit in.
YOU will be escorted around by
brass band. Doan' sot wild your mouf
open an yer eyes rollin', as if it was
de fust time ye eber heard anyfin'
more numerous dan a hand-organ, but
AXE it in like man who has allus
had pianer in de house an full
brass band across de alley.
AT de table eat wild yer fork, eben
if you do Jab yer tongue few times.
If it becomes necessary to blow yer
nose in public do it solemnly and wild
dignity, an do yer wipe wild a hand
kerchief instead Of yer elbow.
In conversashun be pleasant an
courteous an pliable. You fin men
in Akron who dean believe dat de
whale swallered Jonah. You am not
sent down dar to convince 'em.
Keep sober, cary yer money in pock-
ct in yer shirt, an seek to leave cool
opinyun behind you. As you will
have to git up at TO o'clock to-morrer
mornin' to cotch de airly freig bit train
fur Toledo, you had best go home now
an practice Oh lookin' like an old
trabeler while buyin' railroad ticket
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
SeIerf Rfahing.
Mr.. and Mrs. Spoopendyke.

'And so, my dear observed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, as she and her husband
reached their room, and she stepped
before the glass to arrange her crlmps
'aDd so, my dear, that was the legisla-
ture, was it? Whoever expected that
should ever see live legislature?'
You didn't think it was going to be
"a dead one, did you?' growled Mr.
Spoopendyke, who had just discovered
a rip in the sleeve of his overcoat;
you don't think brought you up
here at an enc rmous sacrifice of com
fort and cash just to show you a
stuffed legislature, do you?'
N-n-n-no, faltered Mrs Spoopen-
kyke; 4 didn't think it was exactly
that. Only | wanted know what il
was about, that's ALL
well, it was about time YOU got
out, il that's all, retorted Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, ripping away at the hole in
his sleeve to see If the stitches were
strong either side of the rent. 1T was
about making laws, that's what it was
about.
But that's just the art | don't un-
derstand, insisted Mrs. Spoopendyke.
a law is something about being ar
rested, but can't get it through my
head how they make them
You got the law part right ru-
minated Mr.. Spoopendyke, and fn
not sure but what've hi' it pretty close
on the density of your head. I'll tell
you, my dear he contiL ued, gravely !;
you saw that place with the rail
around it and the men behind it; we'll
that is the law machine. They throw
the legislature in at one end and the
law cnnes out of the other They
used to buy secondhand laws and
pour them into new bottles but they
finally caught the combination and
now they make their own stock. None
genuine without signature on the
label; stand in cool place these laws
are only good for specific crimes: for
any other crime try our extra Gel
ebrated extra session laws, for sale by
druggists. See into now: Begin TO
get dim, dawning notion that legis-
latu'e is not an aquarium: Think you
would know a legislature from crick
in your b ok, if you saw them coming
down the street arm-in- arm:'
That's different from what | sup
posed, murmured Mrs. SEoopendyke
Il thought legislature was where
they all got together and made up
their minds whether the police did
right or not
did you:' grinned Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. between his teeth.
Anyway I'm glad came Sighed
Mrs. Spoopendyke, because | saw the
governor and she ra.ted down the
front of her dress aud twisted herself
into bow knot to see if her panier
hung right for Brooklyn
Eagle.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
A Smart Attorney.

At a recent examination Of candi-
dates for admission to the bar in one
of the Eastern Shore courts young
lawyer showed himself decidedly level
headed aud eminently qualified for the
practice of his profession. After pro-
pounding number of questions to
the young aspirant for legal honors,
the Judge asked:
What will you first say when a
cliert offers you your first case?'
Down with the dust, sirn replied the
future advocate.
He'll do Mr.. Clerk Y said the Judge.
Make out his papers!'
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
TUFTS
EXPEcI0RANT

Is composed Of Herbal and MueAl ssInoas prud-
ucts, winch permeate the abs n nee Of the
Lungs, e1peetorafes the aertd matter
that collects IA the bronchial Iub~s, aad form. O
soothing coating, which relieves the ir-
rfsation that causes the cough Ii eleanss
the lungs OF al imparttiss ., <trenEt he ms
the I'M w Inc enfec led by disease, tavisur-
a:ss the circulation Of the blood, ard braces the
nervous system. slight colds often end in
consumption. Ii Is dan erous To ne glees
them. Apply the remedy promptly. A
test Of tweaty years warrants tho assertion that
noremedy has ever bee n found that is -
prompt in It's effects as TUFTS elpec1oeAuI,
A single dose raises shs phIs gm. sa6aass
illumination. aad l's use speedily cures the most
obstinate cough. A pl easanf C dial, ehil.
dren take Il readily. For Group ts .
Invaluable and should ~ IN every family.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
]]ofiry.
TO PART No MORE.


Where the roses are lthed IN dew,
Whsre the woodlark with his song
Where the grapevine wunders through
Grasses sweet, with flowers amonE.
There nv love is lowly laid,
Where the waters sing always,
Ripping over mossy stones
W here the Songsters through ,he day
Pipe with sweetness nIi their own,
There they laid my love to rest.
summer $ sun or winters storm
Cannot keep my heart away
From the spot where lie. the form
OF the soul that would not stay
Gone 10 God above the earth
Spirit sweet, forever flown!
shall meet thee by-and-by,
Where destruction is not known
Far above earth's stormy sky
In lha light 10 part no more.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
Medicinal Advertisements.
Oh,MyBack!

That's a common express
sion and has a world of
meaning. How much suf-
ferins is summed up in it.
The singular thing about
it is, that pain in the back
is occasioned by so many
things. May be caused by
kidney disease, liver COM
plant, consumption. cold,
rheumatism, dyspepsia, over
work, nervous debility, SC.
Whatever the cause, don't
neglect it. Something is
wrong and needs prompt
attention. No medicine has
yet been discovered that
will 50 quickly and surely
cure such diseases as
Browns Iron BITTERs, and
it does this BY commencing
at the foundation, and max
ing the blood pure and rich.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09

lcsarsPorc. Ia. Dec. !. 1859.
For lag t.ac / have been a
sufferer frgla stomach and kidaey
disease My appetite was very poor
and the veTy s:-aI amount did ca,
disagreed sa.h rac. xas annoyed
very uiula ffrm ron retention Of
URINE | tired many remedies With
no suoceSS. uH;l | uscd Browns
Iron Ei;scgS. Snc- used iha, NY
stomach does not bother ne any.
My appetite Is simply immense. My
Kidney trouble i< 10 more, Aad my
general health IS suca, tha, / feel
Ike a rev man After the use of
Brown 5 Iron Eitt-rs for enc month.
l have gained twenty pounds ia
weight O. Il SASGExr.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09

A New York divorce lawyers adver-
tisement reads thus "Hymeneal in
compatibilites, speciality, carefully
adjusted. 'Tis slavery to detain the
hand after the heart hath fed"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09
TUFTS
PILLS

ACT OIREC1lY ON ING llNER,
Cures Ghiiis and Fever. Dyspepsia,
Sick Headac he, bilious Collie Con siipa.
ton. ffheuma tism, Piles, Palpita a tion Of
the isears, Btzriness. Torpid Liver, and
Female Irregularities. II you do not feel
very well, single pill At bei-trne s'imu The
system Price. 25e. 35 Murray So. ny.
s@ WRITE F0R TUFTS MANUAL FREE. u
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09

"George, dear, don't you think it
rather extravagant of you to eat but
ter with that delicious jam?" mo,
love, economical. Same piec' Of bread
does for BOTH"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09


A little eight-year-old ssassed,' his
mother soon after he got out Of bed,
and was promptly folded across tn,
maternal lap and spanked with slip.
per. Shortly afterward, and before
the little fellows tears had ceased to
flow, he entened the adjoining room
where his father was. Been having a
fracas with mammal queried pater
familias, half teasingly. Yes, sir, re-
piled young America, with mischiev-
Gus squint Of one eye, but it didn't hurt
me, though What made you squall
so then, my boy?' oh. l just did that
to make her think she was DONE
A new rival band was hired to play
at the funeral Of a Connecticut deacon.
They were play ing slow and solemn
dirge al. the grave, when suddenly the
trombone man shot out blast the
started the hearse h"rses and lroke up
the whole procession. The leader,
turning upon him fiercely, asked hin,
what he was doing that for. He an-
swered, with smile: wall, thought
it was note, and it want nothing but
hoss-Ay, but played it,
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1883-03-09

Leading physicians and
clcrgymcn use and recon-
mend BRowN's Iron BIT
TIERS. 1t has cured others
suffering rs you are, and it
Will cure you.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25

Wells Health Remover, greatest
remedy on earth for impotence, lean
nefs, sexual debility, Sc, ST. at drug
gusts. Prepaid hv express, 81 25, 6
for IS + S. WELLS, Jersey City,
N J
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
Catarrh Of the Bladder.

Singing, smarting, irritation Of the
urinary Passages, diseased discharges
cured bv Bucnupaiba. 81. at drug
gists Prepaid bv express, $l25, 6
for IS. Z. S. WELLS. Jersey City
N. J..
Three hundred and seventy five
dollars and seventy. one cents is what
the knights Of Pythias Of Williams
port Nd, realized from their holiday
fair.
The Hagerstown Stoke Works, es-
lablished in 1879, manufactured and
sold last wear one million and quar-
ter Of spokes, Of which several large
orders We're shipped 10 Liverpool,
England, and one large order was fill,
ed for Australia.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
I lie Poetic Idea Of Man Real
lied.

A man will rant around if his
er-haIf asks him to get M at 5 A
NJ. on a cold day and hnilA the kitch-
en- FIRE: but he will sntfar like mar
tyr with itching piles and spend an
extra dollar on beer to drown the pain
instead Of investing a small amount
in Swavnes Ointment for removing
the itching and soreness. Verify the
the ,oet has we'll said what fools
these mortals be.
In conversation on literary topics
the other day, Governor Alexander
II. Stephens, Of Georgia. was asked
who was his favorite poet. II have no
favorite," he said, my favoriies are
Shakespeare, Milton, Pope, Burns.
and Byron I don't think much of
Tannyson. I can't sav that like any
thing about LongGellow. Bvrant I
appreciate highly, as I do also Tim
rod, Hsyns, Richard Henry Wilde.
Hubner, Of this city (Atlanta), and
Ticbnor, OF Columbus, I regard as two
Of the hsa. poets produced ov the
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
Kellys caravansaries will probably
be termed "Tbe Wipwam."

Kelly's caravansaries will probably
be termed "The Wigwam."
Business at present is very dull.
and the clothing trade, which is the
largest industry in the city and the
second largest in the country is affect
ell most of all. From what | am told
several houses will be obliged to 60
the wall before the Spring trade opens.
It is the ruinous com petition which is
killing them. All this Immense ad
ver,ising and the giving away Of priz
es in the shape Of pianos, billiard ia
bIes, hngeies and other things so far
from helping them is only running
them deeper into the mud.
General News.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
Is Cents Per Plate :!
SALT WATER OYSTERS,
by the pint, quart or gallon.

Dir OrGIIG & Prorwz ToNIC ELIyIr
>ND Pulls
The reliable preparation so highly rec
comuenGcI lN its merits This medirin,
i, known toy its curative powers from the
East to tine West. from the North to tho
South Owing TO the purity of the mrdi
cine and the satisfaction it has given, The
demand is largely increasing 1t is tn,
grrn, cleanser unf purjtirs the system; reg
mates the liver, hearts, lungs aud kldncvs
cures dyspepsia; is invniuahlc as a tonic
viii imparr strength 10th" system, restores
lost appetite. and is also certain To remove
all 0b.iru'clions TO lh' regular course ofnn
lure in GmalrS 1t will also strengthen the
weakest cord, rcslor" down hearing, and is
a sure remedy for Whites pain in the back
side or under the sho'lrr blades, heayi
ness on breast, or b"lching Of wind.
Or. PFOU1z's CERTIFICATES.
DR.. Piouly Dear SIR: Having been at
Aclcd tor long time with dyspepsia and
"A general proslrntinn Of my nervous syS.
tenn and having used n great many mcdl-
cincs without experiencing any relief
was induced hy your agent nj this place t.
try Il bottle Of your Tonic. Elixir and found
great relief before had used half a bottle
aud now firmly believe i, will effect Il per
mHrent cure.
A married lady who is not wiling to
have her name published states: "Tonene
cannot tell what suffered from dchIli
tating whites and down hearing of the
womb. tried all aorts of remedies and
physicians and still did not get cur.d The
best phvsirans only gave me temporary re-
lief continued in this way until | Nas
compelled to keep my bed more than hail
the time | WAS recommended io Try your
Elixir which did. lam now fully rector
ed to health to the great jor of myself AM!
husband" We could procure qu,ea mum
Der If this class of certificates hut for OBJ
vious reasons they wouli not, of coGfseal
low tteir unmeS 10 Ne Published.
For Sale by DR. NJ. + Leatherman, Ne
chanicslown, james Elder, Emmtshurg
Schley T. Bro. and CARROT & Co., drug
sists. Frederick, Md All orders addressed
to NJ d. Pfou,z, Waynesboro, "a, will be
promptly filled.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
BRAIN and NERVE

\
Wen : HEATH Nene"er' greatest
"''', Wv ,.I;,i.' g.. g,
gusts Prep.id by express, 81 25 6
for IS + S. WELLS, Jersey City,
Next year ia the centenary OF or
game American Methodlsm, and 1t Is
proposed that ali the Methodist sects
shall unite IN a celebration. 1t is
probable that al vii Jo'n IL the dem
on9tr"t'o1 except the Methodist Pro.
'eStantS, who constitute IA body that
secaedeh IN 1880 on the question OF
erscopacv.
A general qua-,e,' occurred in a
lodge Of good 'lerrrI4rs at Sharpsburg
last Saturday evening. Some 7onng
men from keeavSvllle made aprhca-
ton for Imitation, which Vas opposed
bv tie mai" memner' II.4 females
extracted the "bIackbtl,s and admit
ted the lie4iysv''I" Young n@n, then
ehsued Il genera quarrel.
..SLII o,l ,o,;o,o. .,ro.,oA
wbsrs ,orcs fail" The ,u;4, skill
,n1 ,,,,o,, rosooro, uL,ch b,o,ch,
forth K;lror.Wor, ;,l,ot,ots. III.
-, r,,
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
Thursday, January Is, 1885,
NewsDaper Law Decisions
Uncasy France.

While it may be saying too much
to assert that the death Of Gambetta
has left France without leader, the
events Of the past ten days would al
nest seem to justify it.
A manifesto BY Prince Napoleon
on the walls of Paris has thrown the
French government into the same
state that room full OF old ladies are
presumed to enter, upon the appear
auce of a mouse IN a corner. An or.
Qanised instruction is found where
probably not even an organized at
tempt exists. the press is muszled by
hastily constructed laws, the member.
Of the Napoleon family holding CON
missions in the army are retired
the Prince is imprisoned and every
imaginable evidence Of frantic fear
may be seen.
While an empire may not be one OF
I he things Of the near future in France
there is certainly some reason to be-
lisve that first Napoleon would con.
sumo bn, few days in organizing a
support that woul brush the preser I
Republican fern of government away
as certainly ifnot as readily as one
brushes dv from his coat sleeve
While Gan bstta's place remains uR-
filed it ia a fortunate thing for French
Repnblic.nism that neither Of the tw
factions enc Of which desire a king,
the other an emperor, have any rep
resentntive who is in himself leader
Of men and it ls still further fortunate
for the present government, that the
two opposing factions hate each other
even more han they DO the Republic.
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25
Gotham Gossip.

The Ball Season. The Russian
Greek Chapel C1osed.-The Slagh'ny
and Skating Cdrniral.- The Catholic
University Poject-Jesult influence.
John Kelley as a Builder.- The
Wq,can,. -DuIlness of Business,
Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1883-01-25

The Hagerstown Herald and Torch
Llqht has been sold bv Negley & Co.,
to james G. Mcdowell, Of York Pa.