The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-03-31
A MYSTERIOUS VISIT.
 BY MARK TWAIN.

gentleman who said he was an assessor. and connected with the U. 5. internal revenue department. said l had never heard of his branch of business before, but was very glad 10 see him. all the same-would he sit down He sat down. asked him if he was opening his shop in our neighborhood.
 He said he was.
 least, did. And we laughed, and laughed, and laughed at least he did. But, all the same, had my presence of mind abou, mel had my native shrewd- ness turned on, full head" as the engin- eers say, was determined to find out all about his business in spite of his obscure answcfs-and was determined 10 have 1t out of him without his suspeoting wha, was at. l meant to trap him with deep deep, ruse. sad
 Now, you never would guess what made leoturing this winter and las, spring.
 No don, believe could 10 save me. Say seventeen hundred, maybe"
 Ha, ha. knew you couldn't. My featuring receipts Tor Last spring and this winter were fourteen thousand. seven hundred and fifty dollars. What do you think ei that:
 Why, Il IS amazing perfectly amaz- ing. will make t note oi Il. And you say even this wasn't ali :"
 All: Why, bless you there was m, income from the newspaper for four months about about well. what should you say to about eighteen thousand dol lars, Tor instance
 Say! Why. l should say should like to see,mysclf rolling ln lust such m other ocean of aiiluenee. Eighteen thou sand. I'll make note of 1t. Why. man-and on tep of all this. am to un- derstand tha, you had still more in- come:'
 "Ha, ha, ha. Why, you are only in the suburbs of it. so to speak. There's my book-'The lnnocentS Abroad = price s5.So to 5, according to the bind ing. Listen to me. Look me in the eye. During the last four months and half, saying nothing of sales before that, but just simply during the four months and a halt, ending March IS. 1870, we've sold ninety-hve thousand Think of it. Average four dollars copy, say. It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars, my son. get half.'
 ''The suffering Moses , I'll SC, that down. Fourteen thousand. seven hfty-eight two hundred. To:al say-well, upon my word. the grand total is abou, two hun dred and thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars. Is that possible 2"
 Possible. If there's any mistake, it's the other way. Two hundred and four teen thousand. cash. is my income for this year, if knew how to cipher
 Then the gentleman got up to 20. Al the last moment the gentlemen handed me a large envelope, and said i, con tained his advertisement.
 As soon as he had gone opened his advertisement. l studied it atten,ivcly for four minutes. then called up the cook, and said:
 "Hold me while I faint. Let Maria turn the battercakes.
 By and by. when 1 came to. I sent down to> the rum mill on the corner. and hired an artist by the week to si, up nights and curse that stranger. and give me lift occasionally in the day time. when came to a hard place.
 Ah, what a miscreant he was. His advertisement was nothing in the world but wicked tax-return-a string of impertinent questions about my pri- vate affairs, occupying the best part of four foolscap pages of fine print-ques- tions. l may remark. gotten up with such marvellous ingenuity that the oldest man in the world couldn't understand what the most of them were driving at-aues- hat S~at- t.l l. a man report about four times his actual income to keep from swearing to lie. looked for loophole, but there did not appear to be any. Inquiry No. oov- cred my case, as generously and as amply as an umbrella could cover an ant hill:
 What were your prohts in iS69, from any trade, business or vocation. wherever carried on:"
 And that inquiry was backed up by thirteen others of an equally searching na- ture, the most modest of which required information as to whether had committed any burglary or highway robbery, or by any arson, or other secret source of emol- ument in my statement of income, as set opposite to my inquiry No. |.
 It was strange that the stranger had enabled me to make an ass of myself It was very, very plain, and went out and hired another artist. By working on my vanity, the stranger had seduced me into declaring an income of S,i4ooo. By law, SI 900 of this vas exempt from income tax-the only relief could see. and it was only drop in the ocean. At the legal five per cent, l must pay over to the government the appalling sum of SIo,65o income tax.
 l am acquainted with . very opulent man, whose house is palace, whose ta- ble is regal, whose outlays are enormous, yet man who has no income, as I have often noticed, by the revenue returns :; and to him l went for advice in my dis tress. He took my dreadful exhibition of receipts, he put on his glasses, he took his pen, and, presto - was a pauper. It was the neatest thing that ever was. He did it by deftly manipulating the bill of deducs'crs-s He set down my