The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1883-01-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

You can hold an opinion more firmly
than you can clutch hornet.
A statistician has estimated that court
ships average three tons of coal each.
To get up dinner of great variety,
cooks should be allowed wide range.
Men who have money to loan take
the greatest possible interest in their
business.
A gentleman had his picture taken
recently; cost him 5000, and still he is
not happy. A fellow took it out of the
hall when the latch was up.
'Hold the forte for l am comingr'
said the muscular man, as his pals stag
gered on the stairway uuder the weight
OF the piano.
The reason that aesthetics so admire
the stork is that he can stand for hours
on one leg and look as though he didn't
know anything and didn't want to.
1t is an undenable fact that nearly all
centenarians are poor and have been
poor all their lives If you wish to live
to good old age, young men, never
advertise.
This is the difference between the
much talked of speculation in caoutch-
QUO and game of whist: One is cor
ner in rubber, and the other is rubber
in corner
Convicts at Dartmoor Prison. in Eng
land, make skeleton keys out of the
bones of their meat. Nothing could be
more appropriate. Their escape by this
means reminds us of one of those skele-
ton leaves.
Beauties of the United States" Ian
guage: A gentleman was growing
about having topay bill twice. "Why
did you pay it?" asked his companion.
"Pay itP | didn't. 1t was jayhubbled
out of me-"
while stepping aboard train the other
day, stepped on q banana peel and slid
under the car. ''Ahr' exclaimed the
keeper, 81 am like disabled locomo-
tive, for I've slipped my eccentric"
Recently the citizens of Fair Play,
Col, decided that they ought to do
something to observe the Sabbath. So
hereafter they will not shoot on Sunday
except in self-defense, or when strang-
er impudently refuses to drink.
What is the difference between a
crowded house when procession is
passing and the occupants of dentists
waiting-roomP In the first instance
there is face in every pane; in the lat
ter, pain in every face.
So you were a slave before the warp
he said to the old darkey. Eyes. NASSAU
Had q hard time in life, ehp" specs
I has, NASSAU Ever soldp" s'Golly,
yes, massa. Some teller put half dol
lar on de sidewalk, only dis mawnn',
sab; was sold by dat"
There, never mind" said the dem
fist; soothingly, as he twisted the tooth
around once or twice to loosen it up,
''never mind, it won't hurt" "No,"
gasped the victim, 81 know il won't,
but it does just now, and that's what in
terests me-"
1t is related that the first man was
tempted by the first woman; but there
has been no occasion for such tempta-
ton since Man. brought to knowledge,
has been entirely able and willing to
keep up with the procession where sin
is going on.
The editor of Michigan paper at
tempted to state that certain newly
married couple had gone to Niagara
Falls, where they would spend their
honeymoon, but the types made him say
that they '.would spend their money
soon." He wasn't very far out Of the
way, we suspect
1t is good story which is told Of an
old New England divine who found him.
self one day in pulpit where the
hymn books were well worn. He read
part Of a hymn, and, seeing that the
page was torn, paused and said. slowly,
mo; let us begin and sing. to the praise
and glory of God. hymn five hundred
and twenty-six," But. discovering that
tho end of that was 0one also. he stop