Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-11-15
Squibs.

point. as the preacher said when he
sat down upon a carpet tack.
There are some marriages which re-
mind us of the poor fellow who said:
''Sbe couldn't get any husband, and
L couldn't get any wife, SO we got
married"
A wit driving in the country one
day observed a notice beside a fence,
Beware of the dogm There not be-
ing any signs of a dog, the wit
wrote on the board Ware be the
dog?"
An old German philosopher advises
all men to know themselves. That's
advising a good many to form very
low and disreputable acquaintances
An Indianapolis widow who wears
No. shoes claims to have had sixteen
offers of marriage directly on account
of her feet. Must have been from men
who expected to be kicked.
A young woman having presented
herself before a manager for employ
ment as an actress was asked if she
had ever been divorced or involved in
any serious scandal, Upon receiving
a negative answer the manager laugh
ed loud. Go, presumptuous fe-
male" he cried, Chow preposterous
of you to poster me when you have
neither the devine atfiatus nor the first
instincts of the professionW
Yes" said Amy, II went to the
telephone and put the thingumbob to
my ear" ''Thingumbob!' scream
ed the high-school girl; "you mean
the audituent tube"
A young man in South Carolina,
only 20 years of age, has been engag
ed nineteen times. 1t is seldom that
youth of his age has been the hero of
SO many narrow escapes.
In order that your husband may
not forget to bring in coal, place the
hod near the door where he can fall
over it.
There are 2, 900, 900 widows in Ger
many, it is said. Some of the hus-
bands are in Heaven, butthe majority
are in this country.
Eyes, my wife is a good poker
player" says Long Island farmer;
and then he adds, ''She is also Just
as handy with the tongs."
Impatient Keely motor stockholders
are beginning new series of legal
proceedings against the inventor
to make him fulfill his pledges.
The veterans of the Seventh Illinois
Infantry propose to hold a reunion at
Springfield on the twenty second an
nlversary of the capture of Fort Don
nelson.
Benjamin Craig, a lieutenant in
the United States army, a son of Gen
eral Craig, Of St. Joseph, Mo,
died in Southern France Friday
night, attended by his mother and
sister.
John L. Brooks of California, has
just willed 800, 900 to two personal
friends. Several relatives, who have
been 'left," have become con vinced
that the old man was insane.
From the report of the Commits
sioner of Internal Revenue it appears
that during the last fiscal year as
compared with the previous one there
was an increase of 5000, 900 pounds in
the production of manufactured to-
bacco and snuff, an increase of 1885,
900, 900 in the number of cigars, and
SO, 900, 900 in the number Of cigarettes.
The reduction in the revenue from to-
bacco through the act of 1888 is placed
at $25, 900, 900.
The only ostrich farm i'll California
is near Anaheim. AS an industry os-
trich farming is only sixteen years
old, and In it is invested $40, 900. The
ostrich does not leave it's eggs to be
Matched by the sun, as supposed, but
incubateS, the male and female alter
mating in that duty.
The United States has coined $35,-
936, 927 in gold pieces, and $28, ,835, 40
in silver pieces during the past fiscal
year. The entire specie circulation of
the country at present is $544, 512, 500
of gold. and $23, 291, 322 of silver.
Mr.. J. G. Bancroft Davis late of the
United States Court of Claims, has
been appointed Official Reporter of
the United States Supreme Court at
Washington, vice Judge Otto, resign
ed.
The Government authorities have
dEI0SG6U dIlu DrOhSu up du
extensive nest of counterfeiters in In
diana, ending with the capture of the
notorious Faulkner and his wife, the
manufacturers of spurious dimes and
eagles.
The wealthy andi aristocratic Mrs
Jewell, who is stopping at summer
hotel, and has been making some in
quiries Of one Of the walters in regard
to procuring the services of a laun-
dress, opens her door in answer to a
loud and imperative knock just before
dinner time, and discovers Mrs. Ma
honey on the threshold Mrs
'Shure an are you the
woman that was shpakin' to one of the
hotel jintleman about gettin' lady
to wash for you"
Some short time ago a woman was
trying hard to get her drunken hus-
band home, and as she pulled him
along the street, her words and actions
were so tender that a citizen halted
and said: ''Well, all drunkards' wives
haven't your disposition. ''S-h-h
don't say anything" she replied in a