The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1883-02-09
WIT AND HUMoR.

| When you bury animosity. neve
mind putting up tombstone.
The hoys In one Of our gramma
schools call their sohOolma' am lex
perience. because she In dear teacher
The matinee masher at the theater
less useful than the potato-mssher q
home. and often Is no prettier.
There Is nothing like mOlasse
candy.pulling to mako young peopl
candid when giving taffy.
A lioness was recently sold at auc
ton In Louisville for $40 At this rat
no family need be without Ioness.
Bow to destiny. One of these day
destiny may be polite enough to return
the compliment
A soft answer may turn away wrath
but 1t Is far safer to trust to the legs II
case the other party Is real mad
Ma" he asked. at dinner, ''who wa
Charlotte Russe?' ''Oh," said ma
''she was one of them old queens VIII,
made trouble during the Restoration
A blind pauper implored tramp fol
the gift Of q pair Of old pants. "Grea
Scott!" exclaimed the seedy wanderer
do as l do; get your drawers dyed"
A Russian proverb says: Before 70
ing to war, pray once; before going x
sea, pray twice; before getting married,
pray three times.''
A man writes to an editor for o. .'be.
cause he is 50 terribly short" and gets
in reply the heartless response: DO 81
do; stand up on chair"
Don't you think, Clara, that YOU
could love me a littlep" And Clara an.
swered, with her most engaging smile;
YES, Fred. very little"
w. H. Wright, an Alabama man,
quarreled with and shot cousin OF the
same name. This Is q case where two
Wrights make one wrong.
The operators in mythical mines are
always willing to let you In; but there
is quite difference between letting you
win.
A party advertises for \ servant who
must sleep on the premises. An ex-
policeman or a private Waterman might
fill the bill. :.
Lot the Monday washing and q year.
ling calf spend the night In the same
backyard. and that part OF the washing
left outside Of the calf will be in good
shape to feed the goat on
When Pat was sent to the lobster Dot
to see II there was anything in it, be said
upon returning: There was no ripe
ones, sOrr; there was only Crane ones,
and SO tossed them all overheard"
Any newspaper which will try to
make out that man hates pillow-sham
deserves to lose all its subscribers.
Nothing keeps hairoil of the pillow like
q sham with lace border two inches
deep.
Money doesn't make the man, but
you just bet your bottom dollar that
man worth $2OO,O0O can dodge all
around the spellingbook. and such wo-
men rs Mrs. Langtry don't think any
tho less Of him.-Freddy.
Who said that inventive genius went
unrewarded? A New Hampshire man
who has invented machine TO make
cloves out OF Eastwood has been offered
$4,000 for his patent. The cloves are
sold to hotels by the bushel.
Student wants to know what kind
of bird was the dodO. FROM the fact
that the species is entirely extinct, we
suppose it was the tabled spring chick
on, of which wo still hear so often and
SEQ SO never.
"Does your Helen remind you OF
Helen of Troy?" she asked sweetly, rs
the sofa springs flattened under pres
sure of one hundred and sixty pounds.
mo. not precisely; you remind me
more Of Helen OF Avoirdupois," was his
scaly reply.
Vanity Fair tells o story Of how An
thOny TrOllope once heard two novel
reading youths in wayside inn discuss
ing one OF his eternal characters. He
arose. acknowledged himself to be the
author aud promised to go homo and
kill the character. In the following in
stallment she died OF apOplexy.
Mark Twain failed to answer q letter
written to Liui Dy Sergeant Ballentine.
After waiting reasonable time the lat
ter was 30 exasperated ut not receiving
an answer that be mailed Twain sheet
OF paper and a postage stamp 40 . gen.
tie reminder. Mr.. Clemens wrote back
on postal; paper and stamp received;
please send an envelope"
In q town not many miles from Bos-
ton man stepped into neighbours
house where he saw the head Of the
family lying upon his back on the floor
and his wife standing over him. rs he
thought, with threatening air. He
was about to withdraw. when the pros.
trate man shouted; Come along In.
Steve; she is only ohalkiug me out
pair of pants" ....,
The New York San has q sensible
subscriber, who wishes the paper hap
py New Year, and writes: There can
be no question that the ,SsIn IL edited
with higher order of Judgment than
any paper have read. It was the first
that has absolutely refused ever to &C.
cept any Of my contributions. When It
did that felt it was worthy Of my
hearty support"
$50 you have left your wife behind
you." said well-meaning lady to a lit
tie Japanese Buddhist, who was travel
ing in search of learning, and meant
ultimately to become priest In Tibe-
tan monastery. "You must be anxious
to get back to her. suppose you love
her very muchP" Love hertz said the
horritied Buddhist. '.But we must not
love. 1t is against our religion. pity
her very much-we pity each other;
but, of course, do not love her."
A canny Scot had got himself install,
ed in the eldership OF the kirk. and had
for some time carried round the ladle
for the collections. He had accepted
the Office of elder because some vag had
made him believe that the remunera-
ton was sixpence each Sunday, with
boil of meal at New Years day. When
the time arrived he claimed the meal,
but was told that he had been hoaxed.
ut may be sac with the meal" he said,
coolly. "but I took care Of the saxpence
myself"
: A good deacon and his man were now
ing one day. The deacon. following In the
rear. looked up TO see his man leave his
scythe and run. The good deacon call
ed out: THE wicked fee when no
man pursueth; but the righteous are
bold as IL lion." and kept on moving
and soon came up to the mans scythe,
and turned and fed also. and was 40,
costed by his man: "A prudent man
foreseeth the evil. and hideth himself;
but the simple pass ON and are punish.
ad." And thus did hornets nest re-
call to two men this Sunday.school les
son of youth.
Father" he began as be entered the
library with q hesitating step, "Iuay ]
ask you q question:" Certainly, my
dear-a thousand il you like" "Are