The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-05-10
WIT AND HUMoR.

All dhcicnt jokes ABOUT Uno uOOu are
Noah count.
When agirl travels on her good looks
she passes for her face value.
Expectoration receptacle is the Oscar
Wilde name for spit-box.
Mexico must be a slippery place
on account of the number of 'greasers'
there.
Wanted-The man who can address
Sunday school without prefacing his
speech with the remark, when / was
little boy"
A Cincinnati woman knocked her
husband senseless with a copy of the
bible. The old version is good and strong
yet.
Somebody says that "ballet girls are
not so bad as they are painted. -
We hope moi. They are painted fright
fully.
1.-Two vos shoost enough, budt dreo
was too blendty," remarked Hans,
when his girl asked him to take her
mother along with him to the dance.
A New York man committed suicide
the other day in sheer disgust. A Penn
sylvania backwoodsman asked him if
New York had got big enough for street.
cars yet.
It has been discovered by local
philosopher that ''taken from life," and
"kicked by MULE are synonymous
expressions; they mean the same
thing. r4t t
81 am going to run for state treas
urer." said politician to an acquaint-
ance. "That is unnecessary" the ac-
quaintance replied; ''wait until you re
elected, and then do your running"
You're getting quite bald, old man;
you try rum "Rum! So Ihave. I've
bought gallons of it." "Ah, see; but
then, p'r'aps. you could never get it
higher than your mouth"
Every cloud has a silver lining" it
is said, but the colored clergyman who
hands around the hat at camp-meet-
ing does not believe the saying as worthy
of all acceptation.
Telegraph wires are so numerous on
some Of the streets in Chicago that peo-
pie living on fourth-foor flat can sift
their ashes by merely throwing them
against the net work.
DIR. OFT has learned that the rattle
snakes tail makes sixty vibrations n
second, being just a trif1e slower than a
woman's tongue at sewing society
Boston, Post
sIs the bowling of dog always fol-
lowed by deathp" asked little girl of
her father. mot always, my dear;
sometimes the man that shoots at the
dog misses him." was the parents re-
ply.
A potato said: 81 saw with my own
eyes the cream-pitcher fork at a saucy
salad. Butter-plate castor spare-rib at
the cream and struck an ill-bread salt
seller, who had attempted to cracker
joke on a loaf-ing water.
The strawberry-vender is an expert
: In algebra, because he deals in unknown
quantities-that is, when he sells you a
quart of strawberries you don't know
anything like the exact quantity you have
ON your hands.
Some generous man, who declines to
s have his name made public, has given
$40, 900 to the homeopathic hospital at
9 Boston, to be used for the purpose OF
erecting wing. He evidently wants to
see his riches fly.
One of the best definitions of faith was
given by bright Sunday-school boy to
his teacher: LAS near as can make ii
out, it is feeling perfectly sure Of a
thing when you have nothing to back it
up"
"How to Spend Sunday Afternoon" F"
is the title of an article in New York
paper. Lots of men believe that the
way to spend it is to walk around the
back way if the saloon front door isn't
open.
A prominent merchant says when he
Is tired, and wants rest he dom go of
on tour, and spend money, but he just
takes his ad, out of the paper. 1t has
the same effect red flag hung in front
of his place would.
How do you like my waffiesP'' ask
ed a society belle of her guest. Gould
not be nicer was the reply. "D:d you
really make those yourself?" "Oh, yes,
indeed. read off the recipe to the cook
and turned the patent tiour-sifter all my
self''
At one of the schools in Cornwall the
inspector asked the children if they
could quote any text of Scripture which
forbade man having two wives. One
of the children sagely quoted in reply
the text, ''No man can serve two mas
ters.''
Look heah, Thomas Jefferson, dis
heah's nice time fo' you to be gettin'
home," growled Aunt Polly, as her boy
came in long after midnight. ''Oh.
glongr' retorted Thomas, lyon dunno
muffin. Hadn't you nebber hearn dat
de darkey's hour is befo' day?"
A 5-year-old, who went to school for
the first time, came home at noon and
said to his mother: Mamma, l don't
think that teacher knows much. y
"Why not. my dearP" ''Why she kept
asking questions all the time. She ask
ed where the Mississippi River was"
We hear of woman who applied fol
situation as car-driver. Being asked
il she could manage mules she scorn.
fully replied: "Of course can; I've
had two husbands" That woman should
go to congress where there are plenty tc
manage.
Charlie We're de We're (sententiously)
"Geniuses, my dear Miss Marlborough
are men who just miss being fools, and
fools are men who just miss being geni
uses" Miss Marlborough (awestrucl)
What original things you say, Mr.
We're de We're; l sometimes think thai
you are almost genius.
''Have you anything extraordinary OF
your person by which you could be iden
tified?" asked an Austin doctor, who
was examining Bill Colbert for life in
surance policy. Colbert thought for ;
good while before he answered. At las
he replied that he had the required pc
culiarity. ''What mark is it?" ''Fear
full cramps when eat green corn"
The first quarrel: Philip Fogy, Jr
(who has refused, after prolonged dis
cussion to get gaudy raiment and tak'
his wife to the Deabruno's fancy balD
morosely-'I wish 1 had married /;
sensible woman" His recently-acquir
ed spouse (to whom the said ball is fo
the moment much more attractive thai
heaven), vindictively-"She wouldn'
have had you"
In Chicago, the other night, a mint
reader was asked by prominent citizel
on the stage to tell what he was wishing
for at that moment. The mind readc