Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1883-06-16
JOHN PHENIX."
Some RecOllections of First |
Glass Humorist-Early Days i'm Cal

tfornia
Written for the Globe Democrat.
''You may remember" said the vet
eran, whose "reminiscences of early Cal
ifornia life were given a week ago, "a
book of humorous sketches published in
1866, called "Ph@nixiana." 1t was one
of the first of the successful hooks of
American humor, and the very first re-
lating to that new civilization which had
sprung into existence on the Pacific
coast. Bret Harte and Mark Twain fol-
lowed. but if you read 'Phnnixiana,"
you will discover many of the char
acteristics which made subsequent wri-
tiers famous. The author was Lieut.. Geo.
III. Derby, of the Typographical En-
gineers, and he discovered that rich
lead of humor pertaining to crude from
tier life which proved such paying dig
gings to those who came after. For
some unaccountable reason Derby was
sent out from Washington to dam the
San Diego river, and, as he expressed
it in his book, he did dam it several
times mentally aaAr his arrival; in fact,
that was the only way it
reality, the San Diego river
existed in imagination only and on the
maps at the War Department, but about
hive days in four years. You see it only
rained once in about four years at San
Diego, and then the surplus water not
absorbed by the parched earth ran off
through what was during all the inter-
yening time, bed of sand. i'll which
the inhabitants dug their wells to obtain
water for domestic purposes. Of course
when the river made its appearance the
people did not need the wells, and when
the river disappeared and the wells be-
came necessary, there they were.
II was Major in the Quartermasters
Department, stationed Mt the mission,
which was about five miles from San
Diego, where there was small garrison.
1t was pretty dull business for the few
officers thereabout, and all sorts of ex
pedlents were resorted to in order to
kill time. Derby was a big, broad
shouldered blonde chap, with rosy
in a serious way; full of play as kitten
and with natural literary impulse. So
he amused himself and MANY others by
writing sketches for the eWspapers.
Many of his contributions were to the
San Diego Herald, published by Judson
Ames, of whom Derby wrote:
There was man whose NAM was Ames,
His aims were aims of mystery;
His story odd, l think by
Would make famous history.
"Ames was as generous in stature as
Derby and as fond of joke and tod. 1t
was he who collected Derby's sketches,
took them to New York, where they
were published by Appleton 4 Co.
Whatever money was made by the ven
ture Ames received. A very large num-
Der of the incidents described by John
PhRnlx-as he signed himself-were ac-
tual occurrences. 1t was a fact that
Ames' paper, the San Diego Herald, was
strong democratic sheet and an enthu-
siastic supporter of Bigler for governor.
Ames went away for time and engaged
Derby to edit his paper during his alb
sence. He called to his assistance some
of the army officers, and they proceeded
TO run it to suit themselves. The name
of Bigler was hauled down and that of
Waldo, the whig candidate, substituted;
this in turn gave place to others of diff
ferent shades of political opinion. At
the conclusion he truthfully said, GER
tainly no one would complain of lack
of versatility in the last six num-
bers. Commencing as an independent
journalist, l have gradually passed
through all the various stages of incipi-
emit Whiggery, decided Conservatism,
dignifed Reclamation, budding Demo-
cracy and rampant Radicalism, and now
close the series with an entirely liter
ary number The terrific combat, as
related in PhRnixiana, which ensued on
Sc ha
sixth round, he describes himself as
holding the Judge down over the press
by inserting his nose between his teeth,
while his hair was employed in holding
his hands, Until separated by the press
man, who inserted a roller between their
faces, which gave the affair an entirely
different complexion; and he pictures
himself as writing history of the flight
without any clothing except his left
stocking and the rim of his hat encirc-
ling his neck like an Elizabethan ruff;
while the judge was bathing his eye
from basin held by small boy stand
ing beside the sufferer, who amused
himself by reading the advertisements
in the Herald, fair copy of which was
struck off on the back of his shirt as he
held him over the press. This was
entirely imaginary as was the
interview with the chronological
professor, who sold hair invigorator
which he took from hair trunk which
was originally paint box, the hair be-
ing grown since the invigoratOr had
been placed therein. On his way home
he carelessly smashed the bottle on the
door step and Immediately there was
growth of hair four inches long, so the
people used it as a door-mat. One sketch
of Derby's was for some reason omitted
from the collection published by Apple
ton. He described the experiments of
acertain colonel with what was called
jackass battery-a small hoWitzer
strapped to the back of mule. The en-
campment was on grassy plateau over
looking perpendicular cliff, beneath
which was the Pacific ocean. They he'd
the mule near the edge of the preci-
pice with the gun loaded, when they
lighted the fuse. The mule, catching
sight of the burning fuse, began to
whirl around. The uncertainty as to
where the ball might strike caused every
one in sight to fall fiat upon the ground.
Finally the gun went off when the muz-
zle-end of the mule happened to be
landward, the ball passed through
the colonePs tent, and the mule, gun
and all went over the cliff into the sea.
AAO ioSO ios hClDy SOe IIldb oIOI lIOLu dLI
incident that happened during the
Florida war. An old chap from Phila-
delphia, named Thistle. invented such
battery to be used in fighting Indians
in the swamps. He took it down there,
and board of officers were appointed
to Investigate the merits. One of them
asked the inventor about the recoil.
Thistle not knowing the Eleaning of the
word, hesitated and said "recile. recile;
if there is any it is a leetle forard."
They fired the gun, it kicked the mule
heels over head, and he gathered him
self up and disappeared in the brush,
and that was the last of Thistle's jack-ass
battery.
"WhiIe Derby was editing the San
Diego Herald for Ames, he concluded to
issue an illustrated number, the cuts be-
ing the small electrotypes which were
formerly used for advertising purposes.
Among them was one which was omit
ted from 'Phenixiana.' The paragraph
was headed by the picture of bull, and
IL II elf