National Republican., 1883-06-12


IT has been ascertained that Prof Virgins
Is writing all these newspaper paragraphs about
Mr. Tilden's robust thealth.-Buriinoion Hdiokeye.
A COMPLIMENTARY vote is something that
Is thrown at a man to make him feel bad because
he is not quite popular enough TO be elected
Orleans Peuylne.
No" SHE said, "Pll not be seen in COM
pany with one ofthose Harvard students. don't
want everybody staring at me aud thinking I'm A
ballet dancor.-Boston Post 1a
THE reason why woman cannot succeed as
we'll az man in the walks OF life is because when
she Is on the walks one hand Is usually employed
In holding up her dress,--l htlddolpbq Chronicle
Herald. 80
The body of man with pencil behind
his ear, pair ofshears in his right hand and his
pockets filed with gold has been excayated at
Pompeit He is supposed to have been an editor.
- Philadelphia NeloS
IHE king of Portugal Is plain, short and
thick set. with passion for Shakespeare and tho
classics, and contempt for politicians. when
asked to become king of Spain he said; "No.
cannot afford to pay double premiums in insuring
my lIfe," r-r
THE clergyman in certain town. as tho
custom is, having published the banns Of matri.
mony between two persons, was followed by the
clerks reading the hymn beginning with these
words; Mistaken souls who dream of heaven. ~
Boston Globe.
A VERMONT man bet q neighbor that he
couldn't walk half mile without looking 10 tho
right or len, and just as the man started ON his
walk set two dogs TO fighting about half way
down the track, and won his money as easily as
could be,-Bosion Post. T
A DAMPER; Hollis Holworthy-" In bring
Ing my theme over, professor, got 1t wet as had
n IIFTlh FAll 10 m
Prof. O. (somewhat of a wag)-"oh, no, not at ALL
| dare say shall find 1t dry enough when read
II. Harvard Ldmpoon.
IN one of our western cities, a practising
surgeon, who had made an autopsy Of the body of
a murdered woman, was asked in court when
testifying as q witness: "what is the thorax %
He answered: "a big vein that runs down the
backbone" Truly man is wonderfully and fear
fully made,
On, hol' The editor wrote fright on this
paper, tool, "Victoria was queen when Napoleon
was banished," and out It came. Victoria was
green when Napoleon was famished.p Then will
the Intelligent compoSitor, who is responsible for
that statement, please rise ana explain why in
thunder Napoleon didn't eat Yictorla9--H Hapkeye.
WEAK in geography; An application wa
made at railway ticket office in this city not
long since for q ticket TO New Hampshire "To
what part of the state 2" was the question asked
by the agent "Well," was the reply, "I don't
exactly know, BUTTS next to that place called
Vernon" "-NeVpon Ee,cs.
IN western Pennsylvania church enter
tsinment known as the mum sociable is taking
| the place OF the ume-houored church fair As the
name implies. no ono Is to speak under penalty of
q fine, and the funds thus raised are soletnly
given to the Lord. shrewd managers would let
loose swarm of bees on such an occasion. Boston
| Post.
"YoU can't add different things togeth er,"
said school teacher. "If you add sheep and
| a COW together II does not make two sheen or two
cows" A little boy, the son of milkman, held
| up his hand and said; 'That may do with sheep
and COWS, but If you add quart of water TO a
quart of milk 1t makes two quarts of milk. I've
| seen It tried" .t
HE who sleeps by day will hunger by night
Industry am de peg on which plenty hangs her
hat-Argyment makes three enemies to one friend
Men who go to law mus expect TO eat deir ia.
ters widout salt-De biggest balloon kin be packed
In bar'l when de gus am out-De rattle of de
empty wagon kin be heard furder dan dc rumble
OF de loaded one.-Detroh Free Press
DAVE PuLsIFER, Of the Chicago board of
trade says that he had dream the other night
| He dreamed that he was in heaven where boards
Of trade are totally tabooed. In his dream he saw
Phil. Armour dressed in the toga of an angel and
wearing smile that was more of sorrow than
malice. Phil looked unnatural" said Pulsiler,
for he had his hands in his own pockets."- Cheek
~ THINK it perfectly disgraceful OK
claimed Mrs Fogg. "Flandersons wife has been
deadju six weeks and he's going to be married
next Sunday. Only think OF i'll" :" don't see
anything to mako fuss about" grunted Fogg;
che couldn't very well have married again before
his first wife died, To be sure he's lost six weeks
| n III INV I'M diaar f,,I
about that. t."-Boston Transcript
REFERRING to tho recent celebration of tho
anniversary OF the battle of San Jacinto, Corpus
Christi paper says that there was much rejoicing
In the interior. That's the place 10 put the beer
you want 70 make the interior rejoice. You didn't
expect the people TO make a lotion of the beer
and rub II on the outside OF their stomachs In
honor OF the great victory over the Mexican dos
pot and his hordes did your 7sras SUtings,
SCENE at the base ball grounds: A ball was
knocked sidewise and caught on fly. Foul and
| outp was the cry of the umpire. A charming high
school girl, looking at the game, calculates, "Ah,
really how can 1t be fowl2 I don't see any
feathers" And she turned to her attendant with
an inquiring look. "Well-ohl Yes you soc, tho
reason you don't the feathers is because Il be-
longs to the picked nine"--Peora Transcript.
AT largo gathering of people near Le-
noir, In North Caroline at the funeral OF William
Shell, and old and prominent citizen a curious
incident occurred. The Clergyman announced
that as soon as the funeral was over there would
be marriage in the valley near the cemetery
There was regular race TO the scone. and in few
moments John Hoover and Emma Wike stepped
forward andwere married on the stump OF an i'm,
| mense tree.
"MY DEAR" exclaimed loving husband to
his wife, ~ have just had my life insured for
your benefit" "Well, declaren said the WIFE,
looking round upon her family and friends with
an expression Of injured Innocence. "just to think
Of the selhshness OF men, and particularly OF
husbandAl There you've been and had your life
insured, while your poor wife may go without
any insurance on hers It's Just what should
expect youW-7oronto Nsiss.
HERE" said an ignorant fellow, as he
stepped into jewelers. shop "I can't do any
thing with this watch. I've showed tho regulator
round As far II will go. but 1t keepa a-loAing time
"Why, man." exclaimed the jeweler, "its an hour
and a half ahead OF time now. What did you set
itby7" When twas ascertained that the silly fell
low had been trying TO time II by a gas meter the
jeweler didn't wonder bit that the watch couldn't
begin to keep up.-BoslOn Transcript
IT would be difficult to compress more Of
the technical language OF the diamond into the
same space than occurs IN the following nom tho
telegraphic report OF tho oston-cleYeand game
ofTuesdayi ''In the second sutton got his base on
halls, went 10 second on Glanoock's tumble OF
Wise's hot one, and took third on York's wild
throw-in OF Morrills fly to leh only 10 DIE at the
plate on beautiful double play of Burdock'a