Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1883-08-04
Tho CrOss-Eyed Mans Revenge.

Bill Nye.
Over in St.Paul met man with eyes of
cadet blue and terra Gotta nose. His eyes
were not only peculiar in shape, but while
one seemed to constantly probe the future
the other was apparently ransacking the
dreamy past. While one rambled along
the glorious possibilities OF the remote, yet
golden ultimately, the other sought the
sombre depths of the previously.
He told me that years ago he had mild
case of strabismus, and that both eyes
seemed to glare down his nose until he
got restless and had them operated on.
Those were the days when they used to
fasten a crooked hook under the internal
rectus and cut it q little with a pair of
optical sheep shears. The effect of this
course was to allow the eye to drift back
to direct line, but this man fell into tho
hands of drunken surgeon, who cut the
muscle too much, and thereby weakened
it so that it gradually swung past the
point it ought to have stopped at, and he
saw with horror that his eye was going to
turn out and protrude, as it were, so that
a man could hang his hat on it. The other
followed suit, and the two orbs that had
for years looked along the bridge of tho
terra Gotta nose gradually separated, and
while one looked toward next Christmas
with anticipations the other loved to linger
over the remembrances of last fall.
This thing continued till he had to peer
into the future with his Oft eye closed and
vice versa.
1t is needless to say that Ee hungered
for the blood of that physician and sur
geon. He tried to lay violent hands on
him and wipe up the ground with him,
and wear him out across telegraph pole.
But the authorities always prevented the
administration Of such swift aud awful
justice.
Time passed Oh till one night the abnor-
mally wall eyed man loosened q board in
tho sidewalk up town so that the physician
and surgeon caught his foot in it and
caused an oblique fracture of the scapula,
pied his dura mater, busted his c0rnucopia
and wrecked his sarahbeilum.
Perhaps l am in error as to some of
these medical terms and their photography
but that is about tho way the man with
the divergent orbs told it to ne.
The physician and surgeon was quite a
ruin. He had to wear clapboards on him
self for months, and there were other
doctors and laudablo pus and threatened
gangrene and doctors bills, with the GEM
etery looming up ID tho near 1oture. LAY
after day he took his own anti febrile
drinks and rammed his busted system full
of iron and strychnine and beef tea and
dover's powders and hyperdermic squirt
until he wished he could die, but death
would not come He paved the air and
howled. They fed him his own nuxvomica,
tincture of rhubarb and phosphates and
cruel, and brought him back to life with a
crooked collar bone. and a shattered
shoulder blade and look of woe.
Then he sued the town for $50, ,009 dam.
ages because the sidewalk was imperfect,
and the wild eyed man with the iDdamed
nose got on the jury.
Twill not explain how it was done, bu,
there was a verdict for defendant with
costs on the Esculapian wreck. The mar
with the crooked vision is not handsome
but he is very happy. He says the mill
of the gods grind slowly, but they pulver-
! izs middling fine,