Morning journal and courier., 1883-10-02
SUBSTITUTES,

A man who takes the place of another in brass band should be called @ substitoote.
 Did 1t ever occur to you that fog was made of the mist, or is the idea 30 foggy that you have heretofore mist it?-Boston Star.
 Philadelphia man fired the sugar bowl at his wife, but 1t hit the baby. There is talk of having him join the Philadelphia base ball club.-Boston Post.
 They say that figures won't lie, but one is inclined to doubt the old saw when he looks upon the figure of 8 fashionably dressed woman.-Boston Transcript.
 The Turkish woman Is marriageable ct the age of nine years. In this country girls don't even think of marriage until they get to be over ten.-Philadslphia Call.
 young man in Toledo plays two comets ct the same time. The citizens are unwisely waiting for the invention of 8 way to kill him twice at the same time.-Boston Post.
 A difference: friend of mine, when told the other day of the death of 8 wen-known stock dealer, replied: ''Why, he's worse of than am. I'm dead broke, but he's dead broker"
 A Pennsylvania lady, ninety-three years of age, milks, washes and bakes for family of three persons. A great deal can be got out of old people If they are properly managed. Young people do not get half enough rest Louisville Courier-Journal
 She was a sweetly inexperienced young housekeeper, as one may gather from her remark when some one suggested that she should purchase spring mattresses. "Yes," she replied, s'if they are in season we'd bet ter have some."-Yorkshire Busy Bee.
 stMa, Is MT. Thompson respsctable?" Certainly, my child. Why do you ask that question:" ssBecause he wears such poor clothes" "You should not judge persons by their clothes; none but silly people do that. :" 'Then everybody's silly-ain't they, ma?'
 Philadelphia youth fractured his skull with brick the other night while sitting on the back stoop playing an accordion. How he managed to hit himself and keep on play ing at the same time Is mystery which the coroner's jury could not fathom. Verdict. suicide while temporarily insane.-Philadel- phia Call.
 True caution ''Ms, said Jennie PArvenu at Newport, "they say those Smiths who have got the Jones cottage are awful stylish and have got pedigree "Got the pedi- gree, have they ?" said Mrs. Parvenu, excit- edly. Well, you keep away from them. for don't want you to catch N"-New York Mail and Express.
 q am much struck-that is to say, pleased with the Widow Black, " remarked a young curate to his bishop, land I think I'll pro- pose marriage to her." ''So I would, an swered the elder divine, with amerry twinkle in his eye, "and next Sunday I'll come down and preach for you on the 'Widows s smite' ''- Boston Courier.
 Secretary Folger has called for $15, 900, | OOO." Secretary FoIger, we believe, spent a few weeks at one of the watering places, this l summer, and finding he hadn't enough money to pay his hotel bill promised to send his check for the amount as soon as he reached home. He must have been accompanied by | his wife and a servant, and occupied two 1 rooms at the hotel.-Norristown Herald. q want to know why the deuce you persist l in playing pokerP" an old gentleman asked his son. Because" replied the young man, ''the fellers keep on a-thinking that they can beat me-" Why should that make you want to play7" "Beoause they keep on beating me-" 'tAn right, go ahead then. As long l as 8 man loses there is some hope for him, but when he begins to win, he's gone. "-Ar- 1 kansaw Traveller.