Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1883-04-20
FIJI N
His Pa Goes Skating.

"What broke your pa up at the roller
skating rink?" asked the groeeryman.
"Oh, everything broke him up.'' said
the boy. ''He is split up so, ma buttons
the top of his pants to his collar button,
like a bicicle rider. Well, he had no bust
ness to have told me and my chum that he |
use to be the best skater in North Ameri
ca when he was boy. He said he skated |
from Albany to New York in an hour and |
eighty minutes. Me and my chum thought |
if pa was such terror On skates we would |
get him to put on pair of roller skates |
and enter him as the ''great unknown"
and clean out the whole gang. We told |
pa that he must remember that roller |
skates were different from ice skates, and
that may be he couldn't skate on them ;
but be said it didn't make any difference
what they were as long as they we're skates
and he would Just paralyze the whole
crowd. So we got pair of big roller
skates for him. and while we were strap
ping them on, pa he looked at the skaters
glide around the smooth, waxed floor just
as though they were creased. Then pa
looked at the skates on his feet after they
were fastened-sort Of forlorn like, the
way horse-thief does when they put
shackles on his legs, and told him if he
was afraid he could not skate with them
we would take them off j; but he said Ie
would beat anybody that was there Or bus
a suspender. Then we Strengthened pa
and pointed him toward the middle of t
room, and be said ''leggo." and we just
gave him little push to start him, and
he began to 60. Well, you'd died to hav
seen pa try to stop. You see, you can't stick
in your heel and try to stop, like you Can
on ice skates, and pa soon found tia
out, and he began to turn sideways, and
then he threw up his arms and walked on
his heels and he lost his hat. and all that.
and his eyes began to stick out, cause lt
was going right towards an iron post. Or
arm caught the post and he circled around
it few times, and then he let 60 and bs
gun to fall, and sir, be kept falling all
across the room, and everybody got out Of
his way except girl, and pa grabbed he
by the polonaise. like a dro wing man
grabs at straw, though there wasn't any
straws in her polonaise as | know OF, bat
pa just pulled her along as though she was
from under him and he struck On his
shoulders and kept agoing, with the girl
dragging after him like bundle of clothes
Pa is short, big man, and as he was roll
ing along on his back, he locked like a
sofa with casters on, being pushed across
the room by girl. Finally pa came Il
the wall and had to stop, and the girl fel
right across him, and she called him al
old brute, apd told him if he didn't let
her polonaise she would murder him. JUS
then my chum and me got there and we
amputated pa from the girl and lifted him
up and told him for heavens sake let US
take off the skates, cause he couldn't
skate any more than COW, and pa was
mad and said for us to let him alone, and
he could skate all right, and he struck out
again. Well. sir. I was ashamed. An old
man like pa ought to know better than to
try to be boy. This last time pa said he
was going to spread himself. somehow the
skates had got turned around sideways on
his feet, and his feet got to going
different directions, and pas feet wer
getting so far apart that l was afraid
would have two pas half the
size with one leg apiece. l tried to get
him RI toko nm ooIlootiop of bic lore o,d
get them in the same ward, but his arms
flew around and one hit ME on the nose,
and thought if he wanted to strike the
best friend he had he could run his old
legs hisself. When he began to separate
could hear the bones crack but maybe it
was his pants, but anyway he came down
on the floor like one of those fellows in a
circus who spreads himself. and he kept
agoing, and finally he surrounded an iron
post with his legs and stopped, and the
proprietor Of the rink told pa if he wanted
to give flying trapeze performance he
would have to 60 to the gymnasium, and
he couldn't skate on his shoulders any
more cause the other skaters were afraid
of him. Then pa said he would kick the
liver out of The proprietor of the rink, and
he got up and sueadied himself, and then
he tried to kick the man, but his feet went
up to wonc'S, and pa turned a back sum
N ersault and struck right ON his vest in
front. l guess it knocked the breath out
Of him for he didn't speak for few
minutes, and then he wanted to go home
and we put him in a street car aud he laid
down on the hay and rode home. O, the
work we had to get pas clothes off. He
had cricks in bis back, and everywhere.
and ma was away, and had to put the
Imminent on pa, and 1 made mistake and
got bottle of furniture polish, and put it
On pa and rubbed it in, and when ma came
home pa smelled like coffin at charity
funeral, and ma said there was no way of
getting it off of pa till it wore Off He will
stay in the house all this week.-Peck's
San.
According to the New Haven Courier,
John Fadden, al-estate broker of New.
port. K. L., died on Saturday, doing $4,000
damage to the building and ipjuring sew
eral workman and one fatally [; while. a
large cast-iron wheel revolving 900 times
minute exploded in that city after long
and painful illness; deceased was promi-
nent Mason
The notion of having your house con-
nected with the church, by telephone, is
utterly absurd. How's your, wife to see
bonnets by telephone.