News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-04-05
WIT AND WISDOM.

IHE ICOCneSJeF ILCI)lCSS Calls IOT Il ueN
coin, value six cents, for the cOnvenienc,
Of newspaper men sued for libel.
Y A ''wIND PUMP" is advertised which, i
g is claimed is "a great improvement Ovel
all others" It is pretty evident that
the inventor has never visited Congress
, ''No IDIOT" said Henderson, ''was
+ ever bald-headed. 'DOn't generalize, .
replied Fogg ''we know you are not
bald-headed, Fendy; but pray, don't
generalize. "
WHEN the devil goes to prayers he
means to cheat you, and when the poll
tician is especially anxious to save the
country, it means that he is after a fat
government contract
A BRIGHT little girl who had success
fully spelled the word @ that, was asked
by her gOverness what would remain af
ter the st" had been taken away. "The
dirty cups and saucers, was the reply.
/ A YOUNG politician explained the tat
tered condition of his trOwsers to his
father by stating that he was sitting
under an apple tree enjoying himself,
when the farmers dog came along and
contested his seat.
Two HUNDRED and four New York
youths under twenty years of age have
married within year. 1t is sad to see
little children torn from their homes
| but New York young women keep reach
| ing for husbands.
+ CURIOUS excise eentry-Alexander Gun,
an excise officer in Scotland, being dis
missed from his employment for miscon-
duct, an entry was made in a book kept
| Er oil A N111NI
discharged for making false report"
THE minuet is to be revived at fash
ionable dancing parties in New Orleans,
and the Pjcay2s31e says it will then be
proper for the young lady who always
must be dragged away to say: 80, ma,
please let me stay one minuet lOnger?'
A CINCINNATI man, caught in the belt
| ing and whirIed around at the rate of
mile III about two minutes, was rescued
rniniured When asked if he wasn't
frightened he answered: ''NO; [ thought
my wife had caught me and was running
me out by the back of the neck.
A WooNsoCKET man in Boston who
went to hear Mark Twain, and by mis-
take got in where Joseph Cook was lee
turing, did not know the difference
''Was it funny? asked his family on his
return. F'Wall, yes, ;" was the reply, sit
was funny, but it wasn't so darned
funny"
A New YORK gentleman recently gave
theatre party and supper, and among
the delicacies on the table were straw |
berries at 81 apiece The name of the |
gentleman is not given, but it is safe to
wager that his salary is not under 81, 900 |
a year-unless he is a New Jersey bank !
official. .-NOrriStO101 Herald.
OAR am not much cash satisfack-
shun in bein' good, says Uncle Nose;
''but when de good man h'ars knock
on his doah at midnight, de feelin' dat
he kin git up an open de dOah an ak
wheder de pusson wants to borry cam
phOr or mustard, am Wort de biggest
co'ner lot in any city in de land.
MADAM" he began rs he lifted his
| hat at the front door, " I am soliciting
| for home charities. We have hundreds
| OF poor, ragged and vicious children like
| those Mt your gate, and OHr object is"
| '' Sir! those are my own children - she
| interrupted, and the way that front door
slammed his toes Jared every hair on his
| scalp-lock.
THE patron of a Cleveland bucket-shop
was met on the street by an aged female
who handed him tract entitled, "The
Sinner Stands on Slippery Places.
- Madam" said he as he handed back
the document: "DOn't talk to me about
slippery places. [ have been speculat-
ing III oil for 10 years [ know all about
it."
OVERHEARD at the passenger shed
ode McCOmic done gone an nOthn'
amt happen yit. 1 hear talk dey WIZ
some sign er n'er long er desc yer Nc |
Comics.' "Bless yo' soul chile, You
des oughten 90 down ter my house. Ole |
oman wild de glander, de chillen natally |
naked. an de meal-box dry. Eff dat's |
wat de NIcComics fetches' long wild um l
amt wantin' no mo- un um. ''-Ada11ta
Constitution.
SArAN-"Who are you?" GA bank
cashier" ''Defaulter?" eyes. "How
much % ''Two million dollars" "Felix,
give him top seat, away from the fire,
where it is nice and cool. Never mind |
thanking me, Mr.. Cashier you're wei
come. But who is this ?" No. PA
bank cashier" "Defaulter ?" Eyes.
s'How much o. eight thousand dol
lars. =" Here, Felix, take this fellow
and give him a seat right on top of the
stove"
A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached
a sermon which one of his auditors COM
mended. Eyes, said the gentleman to
whom it was mentioned, " it was good !
sermon, but he stole it." This was told
to the preacher. He resented it, and |
called the gentleman to retract what he
had said. Il am not, replied the ag-
gressor, every apt to retract my words,
but in this instance [ will. | said you
had stolen the sermon. [ find [ was |
wrong for on returning home, and re- |
ferring to the book whence ] thought it
was taken, Ifound it there. ."-Erchdnge. |
WHEN Senator Vest was solicited by
the suffrage begging women to help |
their cause, says a Washington letter, |
he listened patiently while they contend |
ed, in the usual style, that the woman |
was the equal of the man and ought to |
hold of1ice-any office, Senator, Gov |
ernOr, Postmaster, Justice of the Peace |
or Constable-anything indeed. "Great |
heavens, " said Vest, ''dO you mean that ? |
Now, Just think of it. Think of a man
going home and kissing a justice of the |
peace, or telling a friend that he was III
love with constable /! 1t is dreadful =
AN elder of the kirk having found
little boy and his sister playing marbles
on Sunday, put his reprOof in this form
not iudicious one for a child: boy,
do you know where children go to who
play marbles on the Sabbath day?"
''Ay," said the boy, 'they gang down to
tie field by the water below the brig"
''Non p roared ont the elder, ''they go to
hell and are burned" The little fellow,
really shocked, called to his sister;
Come ava, Jeanne; here's a man swear
! ING awfully. DEAN RAMSEY.
, Tu.,-,,oI NToJo Of T;r;nc,