The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-03-30
His Pa PLAYS Jokes.

"Say, do you think a little practical
joke does any hurt," asked the bad boy
of the grocery man, as he come in with
his Sunday suit on and bouquet in his
button-hole, and pried off couple of figs
from new box that had been just
opened.
'No, sir" said the grocery man, as he
licked off the syrup that dripped from a
quart measure, from which he had been
filling jug. 81 hold that a man that
gets mad at practical joke, that is, one
that does not injure him, is fool, and
he ought to be Stunned by all decent
people. That's nice bouquet you have
in your coat. What is it, pansies? Let
me smell of it." and the grocery man
bent over in front of the boy to take a
Whit at the bouquet. As he did so a
stream of water shot out of the innocent
looking bouquet and struck him full in
the face, and run down over his shirt,
and the grocery man yelled murder, and
fell over barrel of ak helves and scythe
snaths, and then CROPPED around for a
towel to wipe his face.
"You condum skunk, said the grocery
man to the boy, as he took up an ak
helve and started for him, ''what kind of
a golblasted squirt gun you got there. 1
will maui you, by thunder" and he
rolled up his shirt sleeves.
"There, keep your temper. ] took
test vote of you on the subject of prac-
tical jokes before the machine began to
play upon the confagration that was
raging on your whisky nose, and you said
man that would get mad at joke was
a fool, and now know it. Here, let me
show it to you. There is a rubber hose
runs from the bouquet, inside my coat to
my pants pocket, and there is bulb of
rubber that holds about half pint, and
when Teller smellsof the posy, squeeze
the bulb, and you see the result. It's
fun where you don't squirt it on person
that gets mad.
The grocery man said he would give
the boy half pound of figs if he would
lend the bouquet to him for half an hour
to play it on customer, and the boy
fixed it on the grocery man, and turned
the nozzle so it would squirt right back
into the grocery mans face. He tried it
on the first customer that came in, and
got it right in his own face, and then the
bulb in his pants pocket got to leaking
and the rest of the water run down the
grocery mans trousers leg, and he gave
it up in disgust, and handed it back to
the boy. GLOW was it that your pa had
to be carried home from the sociable in
hack the other night" asked the grocery
man as he stood close to the stove so his
pants leg would dry. "He has not got to
drinking again, has he?"
80, no." said the boy, as he filled the
bulb with vinegar, to practice on his
chum, at was this bouquet that got pa
into the trouble. You see l got pa to
smell of it, and it just filed him chuck
full of water. He got mad and called
me all kinds of names, and said was no
good on earth, and / would fetch up in
states prison, and then he wanted to
borrow it to wear to the sociable. He
said he would have more fun than you
could shake a stick at, and / asked him
if he didn't think he would fetch up in
states prison and he said it was different
with man. He said when man
played joke there was certain dignity
about it that was lacking in boy. So l
lent it to him, and we all went to the
sociable in the basement of the church.
I never saw pa more kitteny than he was
that night. He filled the bulb with ice
water, and the first one he got to smell of
his button-hole bouquet was an old maid
who thinks pa is a heather, but
she likes to be made something of, and
when pa sided up to her and began
talking about what a great work the
Christian wimmenof the land were doing
in educating the heather, she felt real
good, and then she noticed pas posy in
his buttOn-hole and she touched it, and
then reached over her beak to smell it.
Pa he squeezed the bulb, and about half
tea-cup full of water struck her right
in the nose and some of it went into her
strangle place, and, O, my, didn't she
yell. The sisters gathered around her,
they said her face was all perspiratiOn,
and the paint was coming off, and they
took her in the kitchen, and she told
them pa had slapped her with dish of
ice cream, and the wimmen told the
minister and the deacons, and they went
to pa for an explanation, and pa told
them it was not SO, and the minister got
interested and got near pa, and pa letthe
water go at him, and hit him on the eye,
and then deacon got dose, and pa
laughed, and then the minister, who
used to go to college and be hazer and
box, he got mad and squared off and hit
pa three times right by the eye, and one
of the deacons he kicked pa, and pa got
mad and said he could clean out the
whole shebang, and began to pull off his
coat, when they bundled him out
doors, and ma got mad to see pa abused,
and she left the sociable, and 1 had to
stay and eat ice-crealn and things for the
whole family. Pa says that settles it
with him. He says they haven't got any
more Christian charity in that church
than they have gotin a. tannery. His eyes
/ were just getting over being black from
the sparring lessons, and now he has got
to go through the oysters and beef-steak
cure again. He says it is all owing to
me. "-PecRS San.