The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-03-07
COMO COMMENTS.

"A bad shot: g MIN to tell the TRUTH
6 Yes, Interrupted an acquaintance, and
you are probably the worst shot in America"
Anon
Important discovery: 1t is now report
ed that North Carolina man has discovered
q meerschaum pipe mine. Neac Orleans
Picayune.
Spelling it with "que:" The fashion
Journal says: Checks are now in style"
Not by the looks OF our subscription lists
Laurence american.
Manages to get even: "Gin ruins
genius, says an exchange. Yes, but genius
ruins good deal of gin, SO it's about
stand-of. -Elmira Gazette
Literary query: A new book is titled
"Short Sayings of Great Men, When are
we to have the "Great Sayings of Short
Men pm. Y Ne'os.
"A marine disaster: Eyes" said the
captain of the ocean steamship, 1--WE had n
very expensive trip this time. Very little
sea-sickness; passengers ate frightfully. =
Roston Post.
Proposed change of name: A cores
pondent suggests that the name Of Washing
ton be changed to Whitewashington, an ac-
count of its facilities in that line.- Water
e bary american.
Exceptions prove the rule Professor
EFF you attempt to squeeze any solid
body it will always resist pressure" Glass
smiles and cites examples of exceptions
which prove the rule.-Coluna6ia Spectator
Notable case OF stupidity. A restaur-
ant sign on Washington street reads: GA
cup of coffee two and five cents" Why
this is not condensed to cup of coffee seven
cents" is queer. Boston Commercial Bulte-
tin.
-" pass the Greek: Greek recita-
ton Benevolent professor (prompting)-
"Now, then, Eipasn Somnolent Soph
Remembering last nights studies) =" make
it next Gle goes it alone before the faeul-
ty.)-Anon.
Hope, the anchor of the soul: " Is it
true that Gripemall is SO very sick ~ Yes"
"And they say there is no hope" "On the
contrary, everybody is full of hope. The
old fellow is growing weaker every day.
boston transcript.
"A mistake: Alb, excuse me, cxclaim.
cd an Arkansaw man as he knocked down
stranger in the street, 81 thought that you
were q friend of mine. My eyesight is fail.
ing me, SO that I'll have to wear glasses. ~
Arkansaao Traueler.
Girls shouldn't whistle; "If," says
the Phyenol0gical Journal, "whistling will
drive away the blues, why shouldn't the
girls whistler" Pshaw if they did, the
puppies would run after them more than
oyer.-jSdlem SUNBEAM.
-Fogg,s fun: "No,n said Henderson,
az didn't think should come at first, but
changed my mind" my dear fellow,
congratulate your exclaimed Fogg. Il
always wondered why You hadn't changed it
years ago. Boston Transcript.
The terrible infant: Julia, my little
cherub, when does your sister Emma re-
turn ?" Julia--"I don't know" Didn't
she say anything before she went away ~
Julia" She said If you came to see her that
she'd be gone till doomsday. - Hartford
Times.
Why he made his exit. "And what dc
Won call that ?" asked the inqusitiye visitor,
pointing to q mutilated statue. "That is
torso" replied the sculptor Him." NUT
tered the i. VI; "but how did it become
torso?n He was tenderly kicked out. = Bos
ton Transcript
Journalistic recruit; Father, wish
to live SO rs to show the world my contempt
for lral ,.l,slnpophar
who was just recovering from the effects of
a fifty cent cigar. "That's easy enough"
said the old man become on editor."-
Brooklyn Eagle.
Easy enough. :" How can / keep the
cattle from breaking down the fence to get
into my garden at nights z said an Austin
man to n neighbor "That's easy ough."
But how can keep the cattle from break
ing down the fence2" "By leaving the
gate open. - Teras Siftings.
Medical adyice Country doctor Ito
Tomkins)- Now, with regard to that cut
on the top of your head don't think it will
be serious, but you must keep your eye on
it." And Tomkins, who has the slightest
suspicion of a squirt, goes away and dis-rec-
ommends that doctor. Moonshine.
"A matter of multiplication Teacher
"Why how stupid you are, TO be surol
Can't multiply Lightweight by twenty five 2
I'll wager that Charles can do 1t in less thar
no time" Pupil shouldn't be surpris
cd. They say that fools multiply very rap
idly nowadays. "-Boston Transcript.
Personal item: Hank Monk, whose
ride with Horace Greeley made him famous
is dead, is dying, is living at Lake Tahoe
and various other places, and no two cores
pondents tell the same thing about it. He
seems to be as unsatisfactory as polar ex
pedition or an oG-year election. -Bwling
ton Haaokeye.
Business improving: $50 your bust.
hess is picking up, eh ?' said facetious
cobbler to q rag picker who had just com.
menced operations on m ash barrel in front
Of his shop door. "Yes, aud see yours is
mending" quickly replied the ragged ur.
chin, CHANGING at the diapdated boot in the
eobbler's hand. - Yonkers Statesman.
The people at large: Among some old
papers sent to the Austin Jail was the cleo.
ton circular of one of the local candidates.
One of the prisoners, who has been in the
Jail for the last year, looked at it aud said:
"Look here, boys, this is not intended for
us. 1t is addressed TO the people at
large That don't mean us."-7enas SIT