The daily gazette., 1883-08-04
spOOrENDYKE's FAILURE.
He Essays the Art Preservative, But W It'll.
out Success.
rRrooklyn Eagip

He Essays the Art Preservative, But with
out Success.
tBrooklyn Eagle.
Spoopendyke came home one night, bring
ing small bundle under his arms.
sit Is printing press, OIL which expect
to do all my own printing hereafter," hi
said.
'tOh, but isn't that loveIyp' futtered
Mrs. Spoopendyke, dropping her work and
rushing to her husbands side, "and can't
we do the loveliest things with It Is 1t the
kind that the Herald and Sun and all those
papers are printed wilha" 4
"Oh, yes, Mrs. Spoonpendyke," growled,
her husband, you've hit 1t exactly. This
is the very KIM. got Mr.. Bennett to
kindly try It on, so as to get it the same tize
the Herald is printed on" sst.,
"And will you print papers with yours
like Mr. Bennett and the other editoua"
continued Mrs, Spoopenkyke, timidly.
"Oh, but won't l thoughF'' yelled her
| husband. "It needed q dod-gasted female
idiot to think that; you've struck the PROPER
plan, Think you can print a fifty by sixty
show bill with three-by -four pressl Well,
| tell ye that ye can't. Can ye get In Into
your measly head that this Is card press,
AID can only print card three inches by
"Oh, it's card press, 1t itl'' ventured
Mrs. Spoopendyke; ''then we can print
those beaut full Christmas cards on It, can't
veg"
"Now you've got It," yelled the husba nd,
| "that's the idea. 1t prints in IS different
| colors at one impression, and any design,
| from an old crank with sealskin overcdat
| loafing around somebody's chimney with
a game bag full Of jumping jacks, to the
New Year 1888, represented by 3 hump
| backed baby dressed in broad grin, with
| napkin tied round her waist, driving out the
old year, dressed a tramp, with moving
machine, and gallon jug Of whiskel under
| his arm. That's the idea, exactly. Think
| you can print chrornos and Autographs omit,
don't youi Well, you can't. You can ohly
print one color, and that is black. r., Think
| you grasp It nowI'' ="
"Well, !" said Mrs spoopendyke, 'Isuppbse
you can print visiting cards on it2''
"Yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke, can" said her
husband, in softer tone, and he grew id d
much better humor as he proceeded to show
! his wife the press and exhibit his dexterlty
| IN the use OF The type and press.
| At last he got his worthy helpmeet's ma me
set up In type, and proceeded to put the
chase on the press with a grand flourish.
But In an evil hour he forgot to key 1t up,
and at a touch the whole business went TO
pi, and at the next fell into confused mass
all over the carpet
"Why, what makes 1t do that 7" said Mrs.
Spoopendyke, laugh ng
"What makes it do what, Mrs. g. p'
sneered her husband, as he hit his head on
a corner Of the table in mad dive after the
type. "What dye suppose makes ii do It /?
What makes anything IF had your talent
for asking idiotfc questions ia get q glass
Of beer and thee-inch paper collar, ahd
live out as prosecuting attorney"
By this time the worthy gentleman had
got the name set up and securely fastened,
and was printing with great gusto; but be
had, unfortunately, set the types In wrong
order, and the eight periumed visiting canis
came out like the foliowfng
.ekVdnepoopS .WM
When Mrs.spoopendyke saw it she set uD,
little scream. "Oh, isn't that FUNNY
thoughl What makes it wrong side upi'1
"FunnyW howled her husband; with
hOrrid derisiOn, as he grasped the situation
"lts a perfect thunder-bolt of fun. IHs
the most delicious humorous thing of the
century. All you need is an advertisement
OF liver pills on the cover, and Joke about
the goat on the first page, to be a comic
almanac With your appreciation of humor
all you need Is a griH and $1,000 worth Of
stolen diamonds to be leading coincidence
OF the American boards. Can't YOU see the
measly type is turned wrong2 They have
only got TO be turned around the other
way
After half an hour ofdiligent labor the
types were again put in proper position, sA
eurely keyed up, and put on the press.
When the final arrangements were com
pleted, Mr.. spoopendyke turned around to
wink the baby, and ineautiously left his
thumb over the edge of the press. As luck
would have it, Mrs. Spoopendyke, In her
anxiety to show her husband how well she
understood and appreciated the press.
brought the lever down, aud the press closed
on that gentleman's thumb, making him
jump four feet high and utter an exclama
tion that would have made the SECOND lien
tenant OF a company of pirates blush.
bod CAST the measly printing press" he
sbrieked, as he smashed the base burner
with 1t, and then he threw it in the alley
Haven't ye got any sense scarcely W6y
didn't you 20 on with the entertainment
The n1easly thing only got as far as the bone,
Why don't ye finish the chapter a' and Mr..
spoopendyke danced up stairs, five at time,
with an injunction TO his wife to hire out as
a slaughter-house.
: well" said Mrs. spoopendyke, as she
picked up the baby, and put pitcher OF
water where her husband would be sure TO
fall over 1t In the morn ng, ',if we have so
much trouble in printing one word, l wonder
how Mr.. Bennett gets along with a whole
newspaper to print"