Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-12-24

Some women can't pass millinery
store without looking in; some men can't
pass saloon without going in.
Matrimony is said to be lottery, but
up to the hour of going to press no law
has been enacted prohibiting the use of
the males.
When death occurs in a Boston fam
lily the surviving members eat black
beans for 4 month, as a mark of respect
for the dead
A woman always carries her purse in
her hand so that other women will see it.
A man carries his in his inside pocket so
that his wife won't see it.
When man gets left by train he gets
bewildered and doesn't know where he is
going. That's why he generally goes
into the first saloon he sees.
A learned doctor solemnly states that
girls are so constructed that they cannot
jump. Leap year will enable eligible
maidens to disprove this assertion.
When a woman wants to repair dam
ages she uses pin; when man wants
to repair damages he spends two hours
and half trying to thread a needle.
The published report of benevolent
society says: Notwithstanding the large
amount paid for medicine and medical
attendance, very few deaths occurred
during the year"
''This is the third time you have called
me liar, sir?" exclaimed an excited
man. ''That so?" coolly replied the ag-
gressor. ''Only three times Then |
fear have not discharged my duty
''Look out, that steer is Wild" said a
Chicago policeman, as an enormous bo-
vine tore down the street. II should
think he would be- exclaimed a by
stander, with such a crowd chasing
him."
A Michigan youth, aged nineteen, had
a flare-up with his girl, and out of re.
venge married the latters aunt-"fat
fair and forty 1t is the first time aunty
fat has been utilized as a cure for a brok.
| en- heart.
A western heroine, near whose house
had occurred a washout in the raj lroad
rushed up the track brandshing a broom
and stopped an oncoming train. The en-
| gineer was married man and recog nz
| ed the danger signal
In his trial sermon before Bostor
church preacher said: ''The child rer
of Israel were repeatedly on the point O
manumission, but at the very last mo-
ment the Lord afflicted Pharoh with au
ricular ossifcation.' He received {
unanimous call.
The whistle of locomotive can be
heard $500 yards, the noise of trair
$500 yards, the report of musk ct anC
the bark of dog 1900 yards, the roll Of
drum 1000 yards. the croak of a fros
900 yards, and cricket chirp 800 yards
dinner bell two miles, and call to ge
up in the morning three feet and sever
| inches
A successful strike occurred when the
Richmond night express train struck {
negro walking on the track, who got 6
| glimpse of the locomotives headlight
just before being landed in the woods
dozen or two yards from the road lin e
His first conscious words were, ''For d
Lords sake, boss, who frow dat lanterl
at me ?''
The father of the high school girl ha,
long discussion the other night with
politician, and, after the latter had gone
the girl remarked, quoting from Shakes
peare ''He draweth out the thread O
his argument "Well," replied the oil
man, II don't understand the dead Ian
guages, but if you are trying to say h
is a crank, I'm with you every time
A Canadian woman who recently al
piled for divorce assigned as one reaso
for desiring a separation the fact ths
her husband, a minister, while at famil
prayer, s'would often crawl across tt
floor on his knees, keeping up his pray'
all the while, and administering blows a
the while to his children for supposed i
attention" That sort of family worsh
is well calculated to make the childrt
: anything but Christians.