New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-11-07
W.T. AND HUMOR.

Clerk of the Court: ..Owen Doherty.
Are you Owen Doherty?" Prisoner with
a merry twinkle in his eyes): eyes, be-
CORA, I'm owing everybody
The enterprising individual who is
organizing brass band of twenty wo-
men says that, if they learn half as
many ''airs'' as they put on. the exper-
iment cannot fail to be success.
lis it wrong to cheat lawyer?"
was recently very ably discussed by
the members of debating society," The
conclusion arrived at was that it was
not wrong, but impossible.
Some one says mo thoroughly occu-
pied man was ever miserable. !" That
man evidently don't know what it is to
attempt the feat of keeping twin babies
quiet while their mother goes to church.
In Arkansas they call it a romantic
marriage where a couple of the neigh.
bors get the BRIDES father in back
room and sit on him to prevent his in.
terrupting and breaking up the we'd
ding.
A gentleman having his hair cut, and
being annoyed with the operators sto-
ries, in the middle of each he said,
''Cut it short" At last the barber, in
a rage, exclaimed: cit cannot be cut
shorter, for every hair on your head is
cut off.
DR.. Chalmers used to say that when
he is in the act of tipping his hat to a
lady whom he supposes to be an ac-
quaintance it requires good deal of
tact to make believe that ne is only
| h IL
she is stranger.
"Say, Pat, whatever made you go to
work for old Uncle Dan? He's the
meanest man in the country '.Mane
is it?' said Pat: ''why, shure an he's
the foinest, aisyest goin' master liver I
had, bedad. He gives a man fifteen
hours to do days work in.''
Il tell you,'' said Poots, s'there's an
indescribable sense of luxury in lying in
bed and ringing ones bell for his valet.
"You got valet!'' exclaimed Poots'
friend. NO. replied Poots, 'but I've
got the bell. - Cincinnati Saturday
Night.
"Oh, ma," said Jennie Parvenu,
when she came home from dance at
Newport. ''You should have seen Mrs.
Dash. She looked just too lovely for
any thing, had diamonds just as biz as
yours, and she was the siasecure Of all
eyes!' claw, you don't say!" said ma.
Elderly and obnoxious sutton who was
the first to arrive and evidently means
to be the last to go: II have forgotten
most of my mathematics, but at your
age, sir, was devoted to them.'' I'M
patient young lover: ''Ah! then you are
probably familiar with the rule of
three y E. S.: 1.-THE rule of three?"
/. Y. L.: Eyes, that two is company
and three is one more"
| ''Your son has been knocked off the
railroad and killed." exclaimed a man
approaching an Arkansas Colonel.
''Who knocked him off?'' excitedly de-
manded the Colonel. "a railroad en-
CINE" swell, that begins to explain
matters, for I knew devilish we'll he
wasn't knocked off by any ordinary
man. He was one of the boys, let me
tell you. ''-Arkaa.saw 2raveler.
Even in the making of will, little
peculiarities will occasionally present
themselves. Here is an Irish specimen:
81 hereby give and bequeath to my
beloved wife Bridget the whole of my
property without reserve; and to my
eldest son, Patrick, one-half of the re-
mainder; and to Dennis, my youngest
son, the rest. If anything is left, it may
90, together with the old cart without
wheels, to my sincere and affectionate
friend, Terence Mccarthy, in sweet Ire
land"
An American lady was travelling in
Europe. She stopped at a French inn
in Normandy, and being the best French
scholar in the party, she was deputed
by the others to arrange for lodg-
ings, etc. In vain she aired her best
linguistic attachments. But not a
word could the clerk understand, and
for aught she knew his replies were in
'heathen Chinee." In desperation she
| said, with great distinctness: ''Do-you
| -speak-English?' He frightened at
once, and said: Gland sakes! guess I
do; WAS brought up ten miles from
Bangor, Maine!'
They tell good story of Landlord
Roberts, who kept the first hotel at Bar
Harbor, some thirty years ago. He
woke up one night by hearing some one
travelling about the house, and lighting
candle, found one of his guests, in full
shirt dress, wandering through the
rooms. ''What do you want?'' said
Roberts. Il want to find the hen pen"
! said the man. ''What in thunder do
you want of the hen pen at this time of
night?" asked Roberts. ''Well," said
the man, ''you see I lost my pillow
somewhere, and I wanted to get into
the hen pen and get a feather and make
another -Bango1 Commercial.
Getting even with Mrs. Brown. Two
ladies tete-a-tete: "Why, should you
believe it, she told me ri ght to my face
that dressed tooyoung for a woman of
my years! The idea!' ''She did? Well,
if she'd talk to me in that way, be-
lieve I'd have told her just what I
thought of her." ''Oh, no, dear; that
would be very rude" POSSIBLY it
might s'But did better. told Mrs.
Smith what my opinion of Mrs. Brown
was, and Mrs. Brown will hear it soon
enough. And then, you know, it won
lose anything in Mrs. Smith mouth.
It is one of my principles. love, never to
do anything disagreeable when I can
get somebody else to do it for me.''
Much art: whats that thing?"
asked a dairyman, as a chromo-peddler
held up picture in which all the hues
of the rainbow were displayed in reck-
less profusion, without regard to har-
mony or correctness. IA cow" replied
the smiling art connoisseur, with show
of pride. IA cow?' gasped the milk
handler, "well, that's the first time I
ever saw green COW browsing on
salmon-colored grass. Here, John!'
he said to the hired man, ''bring me the
gun!' But the chrome tiend quickly
climbed the fence and made a break for
the woods.
mo" said the exchange editor, toy
ing with his scissors; mo, Charley will