davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-07-06
Bel Air, Nd, July q, 1888.
5Mtscell aneuus.
THELAwYER AND THE EDITOR.

1t is told of a London attorney that, thinking
to make II joke at the expense of a journalist, he
sent him the following lines:
| slept in an editors bed last night,
When no other CHANGED to be nigh
And thought, as ] tumbled the editors bed,
How easily editors lie
The journalist was equal to the occasion, and
Immediately penning the following lines sent
them to the lawyer:
If the lawyer slept in tho editors bed,
When no lawyer CHANGED to he nigh
And though he has written and naiVely said,
How easily editors lie
Hemust admit, as he lay on that bed,
And slept to his hearts desire,
Whate'er he may say of the editors bed,
Twas the lawyer himself was the hf.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-07-06

what man your father is I" exclaimed
Mrs. lIomespun, looking up from the letter
she held in her hand. "IIc says he has
bought French clock, and shall bring it
home with him. What will il be good for
except as an ornament? None ofus can tell
the time by it, unless you can, Edith. Iou
know something about French, don't you .
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-07-06

Two young city ladies in the country
were standing by the side of wide ditch,
which they didn't know how to cross. They
appealed to II boy who was coming along the
road for help, whercupon he pointed behind
them with startled air and yelled Snakes"
The young ladies crossed the ditch at II sin
ole bound
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-07-06

GEHTLEMEN.-Your Hop Ritters have been Of
great value to me. | was laid up with typhoid
fever for over two months and could yet no re-
lief until tried your Hop Bitters. TO those SUI
fcring with debility or any one in feeble health,
cordially recommend them.
J. G. STOETZEL, GS} Fulton st, Chicago, Ill.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

The Devil and the Lawyer.

The Devil came up to the Garth one day.
And into n courthouse he wended his way.
Inst rs IN attorney with very grave face,
Was proceeding to argue the points In case.
Now. n lawyer his majesty never had seen,
For To his dom mTSions none ever had been,
And he felt very anxious the reason TO know
Why none had been sent TO the regions below
thought,
That mono OF the lawyers had ever Deen caught'
And for his own pleasure he felt a desire
To come to the earth and the reason inquire.
Well. the lawyer who rose with visage so grave,
Made out his opponent consummate knaNe,
And the Devil was really greatly amused
To hear the lawyer so greatly abused.
But as soon as the speaker had como 10 close,
The counsel opposing then flercely arose,
And he hcaped such abuse on the head Of the
first
That made him villain, Of all men the worst.
Thus they ausrrelled, contendod and argued 30
long
Twas hard to determine which one was wrong,
And concluded he'd heard enough OF the fuss,
Old Nick ,urned away and soliloquized thus
"If all they have said of each other be truo,
The Devil has surely been robbed Of his due;
But I'm satisfied now it's all very well-
For these lawyers would ruin the morals OF
hi
"Thev puzzlcd the court with their villainous
cavil.
And I'm free to confess they puzzled the Devil
Ny agents are right to let lawyers alone,
II Ind ,em they'd swindle me out OF my
throne"
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
Running from n Turkey.

During the siege Of Petersburg, Va,
one of the Confederate generals bought a
COW and number Of turkeys. The men,
who had very little TO cat, thought the
general hardly entitled to such luxuries.
One day ragged and hungry Georgian
procured flsh-hook, baited with corn,
and tying IL 70 long string strolled
toward the generals headquarters. The
general and the members OF his staff were
sitting In front of the headquarters tent;
but the Georgian boldly approached, as IL
he were just ssuntering by. Watching
his opportunity, he dropped the baitcd
hook, which fat turkey seized. The
soldier continued his walk, the turkey
naturally following. The general noticed
that the turkey was walking OF. lie sus-
pected that something was wrong and
hallooed. At that the soldier dartcd away
over hill. The general and his staff
followed, and there was long chase.
When at last the Georgian had escaped
with his prize the general turned to the
officers and said Wasn't that man q
coward TO let my turkey chase him OF so!
To think Of soldier in my command run
ming from turkey" Before long all
the generals turkeys, and his COW rs
well, were captured by the hungry SOL
diers. The general gave orders that the
man who had stolen the COW be arrested,
but the only thing the search revealed
was pair Of horns.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
a sharp Trick.

"Diamond dealers have q very hard
time Of it to keep UP with the schemes
constantly evolved by sharpcrs to, rob
them," exclaimed lieutenant Of police
to a reporter Of the Philadelphia 7imes In
the course of general conversation bear
iny principally on the subject of diamond
thievery.
"Is there anything later than the color
ing Of cheap gems, which was exposed
some time agog"
Eyes; there is new scheme called the
tongue racket. 1t Is in my Judgment one
of the finest ever conceived"
GLOW is 1t workcd?"
"By two thieves-a man and n woman,
who usually assume the role of husband
and wife. The pair drive up ia carriage
before the jewelry shop they have select
cd, and alighting enter the door. The
man always appears very aged aud iniirm
and leans heavily on the woman's arm for
support. \ pair OF crutches even hoightcn
the effect. Reaching the diamond counter
the old man seats himself. He Is too
weak TO stand. His arms are evidently
paralyzcd, and hang limp by his side. He
asks to sec some loose diamonds. The
clerk holds the tray very close 10 tho
mans eyes because his eycsight is so poor.
Having no use Of his arms and hands, the
clerk even takes up gem that he can
truthfully commend and shows it Ia the
prospective purchaser. The tray Is set
before the old man, but the clerks eyes
are rivotcd upon the gem, of course. Sow
cral paper packages Of the brilliants arc
opened. Clearly the old man is selecting
n memorial present. Ultimately several
packages arc spread out on the tray, per-
haps one hundred or more diamonds. Tho
ncarsightedness of the poor old man In
crcascs. He leans even further over, and
with his face close To the gems gazes iiX-
edly ut them. Just AT this junCturc the
woman, with an ccstatic exclamation,
points to some prominent article In an
adjacent ease on the wall behind tho
clerk. Instinctivcly the eye of the sales
man follows the direction indicated. Ono
instant is enough. The thicf's tongue
meanwhile has been thrust into one OF tho
open parcels of diamonds, and as quickly
withdrawn into his mouth with three or
four of tho gems adhering to 1t. The
theft can only he detected by weighing
the parcel or counting the gems. This Is
rarely rcsortcd TO, us no suspicion Is cx-
cited. The next move on the part Of tho
thieves is to select couple of gems and
order them set; OF 20 order them sent {.
0. d. to any address in u respectable
locality that occurs to their minds. Then
they enter their carriage and drive away"
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
Seeing the superintendent.

In the Office OF q certain Western rail-
road superintendent it was understood
that when communicating stranger on.
tered the outer office and asked for tire
great mogul one of the several young men
therein employed should claim to be the
official wanted, and thus turn the bore
away. The other day web-footed stran-
ger, with business squint to his eye,
asked 10 sec the superintendent, and the
chief clerk promptly responded:
eyes, sir; what can DO for your"
care YOU the man."
81 am"
"No mistaken"
"None at all"
"Then it's all right. Six months ago
one of your trains killed a cow for me and
you have been just mean enough not TO
answer any of my letters. Old hOss, /
am going to lick s35 out Of you"
"But, sir, you sec"
81 see nothing but you! Prepare to be
licked"
And the proxy superintendent was not
only mopped around the room and flung
into the wood-box ss limp a. clothes
line, but the cow-owncr kicked the others
outdoors and upset tho desk and tables
with the remark:
"The next time do business with this
corporation l want you to not only reply
to my letters, but to put Sin haste on your
envelopes. - Wall Street Ners.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
uo KNEW How IL was Himself

A gentleman was alraigncd before an
Arkansaw justice on charge OF obtaining
money under false pretcnces. lie had en-
tered a store, pretending TO &c customer,
but proved TO be a thief. "Your name Is
Jim LickmOrc," said the Justice.
Eyes, SIR"
"And YOU arc charged with crime
that merits n long term in the penltonti-
ary:"
eyes, sir" ~
And you arc guilty of the crlmef"
az am."
"And you ask for 40 mcrcyf"
"No, SIR"
"You have had great trouble within
the last two yearst"
"Yes, sir, have"
"You have often wished that you were
dead?"
al have, please your honor"
"You wanted to steal money enough 10
take you away from Arkansaw2"
"You are right, judge" rs
ar man had stepped up and shot you
Just as you entered the storc," would you
have said THANK you, SIR" H
eyes, sir, | would. Bat, Judge, how
did You find out 30 much about mcf"
"Some time ago" said the Judge, with
a solemn air, "I was divorced from my
wife Shortly after, you married her.
The result Is conclusive. ! discharge you.
Here. take this $50 BILL You have suf-
fered enough. ."-dTkdHsdp Trdretev.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
IN KID GLOVES

we take the lead and intend to keep it up. Black
Mosquetaire only so cents. colored do IS cents,
81 aud 1926 Genuine Jouvin, Shook Foster
patent, only 81; 8 and button do in all shaces
and at all prices. II Corscts we can't be beaten
by apy. Will give YOU a good corset for so cents
up TO the best In Ladies', Children's and Mems
Hose at any price you iuay ask for. Ladies' Hose
s, 10, lG and 25 cents mp to the best. Mems Half
Hose for cents up. Our stock OF buttons Is
complete, all styles, snaps and prices. VIII
give YOU l2 dozen buttons for cents. Ladies',
Mems and Children's Hapdkerchieis in all colors
ap6 of al pripas
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

Trunks, Valises, Umbrellas, Gossamers
aud Gents Furnishing Goods, at
"Rock Bottom Prices"
We treat all alike, and pay particular attention
N children who are sent 10 us BY their parents.
We mean what we say, and do not say more than
we mean 10 carry out.
Although "The Little Man" does not blow 30
loud as some of the larger folks, they feel him (f
they don'i hear him), for he is wide awake and
still ahead.
HI. line OF Mems Wear cannot be excelled, and
the prices within the reach OF all. Give him q
cali and save money Don't forget the place.
NJ. EISSTEIN,
"The Little Man Around the Corner"
No 8, n. Potomac St., Hagerstown.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
The GOLDEN
OPPORTUNITY
OF THE SEASON.
GREAT BARGAINS IN DRY GOODS.
GRAND ARRIVAL OF OUR
NEW SPRING STOCK.

We have now open for your inspection care.
fully selected and very desirable assortment OF
elegant new styles for the Spring OF 1883. Dress
Goods, new spring styles. and said by all To be
extremely pretty and desirable. A great effort
has been made to have this department complete
and attractive We have them at 10, II, Is. 2O,
25 30 cents up to the best in all colors and sty les
We have complete line OF Black Goods. Our
AZ cont (,oshnercs can't he beat. In
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
MOLLER & CO.,
Organ Manufacturers,
AT
HAGERSTOWN, MARYLAND,

ARE prepared by the very considerable enlarge
ment of their buildings and added facilities TO
all promptly, orders for large PIPE ORGANS
FOR CHUECHES They also manufacture the
MOLLER CHORAL PIPE ORGAN as well as
every variety of CABINET ORGANS.
Their aim will be TO attain perfection in all
the varied requirements of asuperior Instrument
Their testimoDia, are numerous and uniform
as TO superior quality of "Tone," combined with
extraordinary power and variety OF composition.
The report of a committee empowered 70 Sc
lect for the Chapel of the First Reformed Church
at Hsgerstown, Md, is in the following; The
MOLLER ORGAN completely carried the day,
from the softest whisper to the most powerful
tone "It is simply wonderful" and we heartily
recommend the choice of the AoLLER ORGAN.
Our prices are uniform securing the advan-
taxes of a good instrument at reasonable price.
July s, 1882. y
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
WHITE GOODS.

Our White Goods Department is better than
the town has ever known. In white and colored
quilts we have a good assortment.
In mems and boys CASSINERES we are all
TX. Cottonades at 121EI, Is, Is, ~, and 20 eta.
In Kentucky Jeans we DEFY the mrn that made
them. We have them from o cents up 10 the best.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
BLACK SILK

we defy competition. Dress Ginghams in ele-
CANT styles and patterns. Domestic Ginghams at
Z, 8, and 10 cents. In bleached and brown Mus
lin we take the lead; 5, 6, and cents, up to the
best. In sheeting and bed ticking we can give
You anything you want. Crash for towelf, 5, o,
s and 10 cents.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

A woman was testifying in behalf Of
her son 'that he had worked on farm
ever since he was born" The lawyer
who ross-examined her said: "You
assert that your son worked or farm
ever since he was born 2" 81 do :" @What
did he do the first year," ''He MIXED. :"
The lawyer evaporated.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
COAL! COAL!!

AM now fully prepared to furnish all
| kinds of the very best quality OF coal.
Red and White Ash, Nut, Stove, and Egg;
also Cumberland Lump and Run of Mine.
Guarantee quality and prices to be as
good and low as can be bought. All orders
left at the store or warehouse will receive
prompt attention. Your orders solicited.
f'' G. T. HODGES.
Sept. so, 1882. Il
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
Notion Department.

Our Notion Department is complete. In liam
burg Edges, Laces and Trimmings of all kinds,
we have the largest stock in Martinshurg and at
urices that cannot be beaten.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

81 don't want Nc rubbish, no fine scn-
timents, II you please" said the widow
who was asked what kind OF an epitxph
she desired for her late husbands tomb
stone. 'Let il be short and simple. Some
thing like this william Johnson, aged
70 years. The good die young"
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

An Austin young lady, who has enjoyed
the advantage Of classical education at a
Northern female college, happened TO be
at home when her aged grandmother was
stricken down with fatal illness. The
entire family gathered around the death
bed Of the old lady, who, in feeble voice,
said:
"Good-by TO you all, | am gwine ter
peg out"
Grandmother !" exclaimed the young
lady, in Il tragic tone Of voice, 'please
don't say that. Don't say you are gwiue
to peg out Say you are going to expire
or that you contemplate approaching dis
solution. IL sounds so much better
TEXAS Siftings.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
FERTILIZERS.

hand for the spring crops the old reliable
I Zell's Ammoniated Bone Superphosphatc
OF Lime, standard and permanent fertilizer.
J. 5. MELVIN, Duiields.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

"oh, dear" sighed Mrs. p, with .
toothache. "why can't people be born
without teeth?" "If you will reflect q
moment, my DEAR replied Ar. T.. "you
will be convinced that such Is the fact"
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
GENTS FURNISHING DEPARTMENT.

Our Gents Furnishing Department Is by far
uure complete than this town has ever known,
and embraces white and colorcd shirts, OF which
the celebrated and well known diamond" takes
the lead, Underwear, Collars and Cuffs, Hand,
kerchiefs and Neckwcar. Our stock OF Gents
Scarfs, Ties and Bows is as complete US you could
wish il, 1t is 500 utterly too too "
We are here to stay, and by fair dealing and
popular prices we hope 10 reach and hole the
trade of the intelligent and economical buyers oil
this community. During the coming season,
and ut all future times, IL will be our aim TO
supply our trade with everything new and deslr-
able as fast rs it is put upon the market. BY
strict attention to the needs of our patrons ana a
close study of the goods in our line we hope 70
keep constantly on hand we'll selected as@ort-
ment, from which we shall be able to meet your
wants in such way that you will patroniZe lls
again and again. We keep at the front! we
defy competition We guarantee satisfaction
We hope to sec you soon! Thanking our many
friends and customers, one and ALL for their past
liberal patronage and support, aud promising
our very best efforts to merit such favors as you
shall see fiji to bestow in the future, VIC remain
sincerely yours,
Il. G.. BERRY & co.
Opposite PostoiIlce, Martinsburg, w. Va.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

rINIIE CELEBRATED DAMP-PROOF BAR
KER BALTIMORE ORGAN sold low for
cash and on easy terms. Warranted Tor SIX
wears ]. :. FLEMING, Agent,
June 2-6m Shepherdstown, w. Va.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

Tobacco and Cigars, &c
Don't forget that you can buy Paints,
Oils and Glass at the very lowest price
from me, as l buy them in large quanti-
ties direct from manufacturers. Also,
headquarters for Bar Iron, Horse Shoes,
Blasting Powder, &c. Salt always on
hand in large quantities, which will be
sold at lowest price, either wholesale or
retail.
sell my goods exclusively for cash or
produce, consequently can give you low
est possible prices on all lines, as do not
propose to make good customers pay up
the loss on those who never pay, by adding
additional profit which must be the case
of those who sell Oh credit. invite all
in need of goods TO examine stock and
CT. HODGES.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30
Murder in Clothing.

.The Little Man around the Corner" has slaught-
cred the prices in
Clothing, Boot, Shoes, Hats, Trunks,
and Gents Furnishing Goods.
Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1883-06-30

The meanest man On record sent .hrouGb
a postofiicc presided over by awoman ,
postal card OH which was written, "Dear
Jack-IIere's the details OF that scandal
And then the rest was IN Greek.
National Republican., 1883-12-27
IN TmE sAppLE AaAIN.
The Controlling Power Welded by the
Southern Element.
Mem York TriIjun,


For all general purposes twenty -four committees
will govern the country SO far as the house can
govern it, and eighteen of these have chairmen
from twelve southern states, while only six have
chairman from five northern states. Less than
hall of the states will thus virtually control all
legislation on subjects of permanent and general
interest. The loyal soldiers who seek pensions
must go to Hewitt of Alabama for q hearing. or TO
his second Tilman OF South Carolina. The loyal
soldiers who have settled in the territories must
look for legislation TO Evins of South Carolina o.
Pryor of Alabama. The interest of railways and
canals, mainly ut the north, will be cared for by
Davidson of Florida, The farmers OF the north.
west who have legislation to propose will address
Hatch of Missouri or Aiken of South Carolina; our
harbors and rivers are under the care ofWilis of
Kentucky and Blanchard of louisiana; our
national commerce is intrusted to Reagan of
Texas and Clardy of Missouri. and contested cleo
tions to Turner of Georgia or Davis of Missouri.
So it comes to pass that, under democratic
majority, the south is of necessity placed in con
troll Of the government, empowered to frame our
tariffs, to pay the war debt, TO pass upon claims
and pensions, TO provide for northern commerce
and trade and agriculture, and to frame the laws
upon which northern industry depends. That is
exactly what democratic victory means-"t the
south in the saddle again"
National Republican., 1883-12-27
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 81, 1883.

THE WEEKLY NATIONAL REPUBLICAN, Issued to-
day, contains some choice extracts from the con-
fidential letters of railway king in pursuit OF
friendly legislation; sketch of the new rebellion
in the SOUTH as brought to light in the recent ku
klux trials in Georgia and South Carolina; an
entertaining story translated from the French :
the capture of sontay: Christmas festivities and
other holiday observauces; the latest centennial
celebration; proceedings Of congress, the stand
ing committees of the house; q summary Of the
leading domestic and foreign events of the past
week; letter from Calao, Peru editorial articles
on the live issues of the day; stories and humor-
GUS sketches from the Man on the Avenue mis-.
cellaneous selections society matters, and bud
get of useful information for the farmer and house
keeper
National Republican., 1883-12-27
what They Lost In the War.

During the recent raid on the pension thieves at
Washington some startling grounds for the issue OF
pensions were developed. Men who had lost a
leg in a contest with reaping machine were
found in receipt of good fat sums once n month.
But perhaps the most remarkable claim of the lot
was that of one gentleman, who, on being investi
gated, asserted that he drew pension for what he
had actually lost in the war.
''But what did you lose ?" demanded the ex-
aminer. "You seem to have all your members and
faculties"
"well," replied the claimantdriven to the wall
~ lost my head at Shiloh and left for homer
Another should have been placed on the list for
the rest of his life at the highest amount allowed
by law.
what is your claim2" asked the examiner.
"What did you lose ?"
81 lost $3.50 at poker the night before the battle
of Fair Oaks"
National Republican., 1883-12-27
insanity on the increase.


From published reports Of the various states 1t
appears that in the past ten years the proportion
of insane persons to the total population has about
doubled. At first view these figures seem to i'm
ply an alarming increase of insanity throughout
the land. but careful investigation would proba-
bly, show that the enlarged list is due partly to the
fact that more insane people are sent to institu-
tions now than in the days when an asylum was
little more than place Of confinement. 1t is un-
doubtedy true, however, that insanity is more
common in the cities than OF old. Excitement
and anxiety, two almost inevitable torments of
the intelligent classes of city population, are
potent causes Of insanity, while liquor-worse
stuff than is consumed anywhere outside Of cities,
and used to excess almost unknown in the rural
districts-makes sad havoc with the brains of the
million Immigrants, too, have helped swell the
list to unusual proportions. Outside the cities,
however, there seem to be no condition of life
that promises increase of insanity and even in the
cities the lists may be materially reduced by pre-
yention as well as by cure