Connecticut western news., 1883-06-27
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
WHAT WE FIND IN THE HUMOROUS
 PAPERS.
Nothing to Laugh AbOut-A CIub-H0w he MRnaged-ln Distress-Their Names Missed it-BOys that Sing, Etc., Etc.
HOW HE MANAGED.

girls marry OH as soon as they get Old enough, while none of mine can marry"
 "Oh, that's simple enough" he re- piled; ''I marry my girls off on the buck wheat-straw principle"
 "But what principle is that? Never heard of it before."
 "Wel, I used to raise 0 good deal of buckwheat, and it puzzled me to know how to get rid of the straw. Nothing would eat it, and it was great bother to me. At last thought of @ plan. I stacked my buckwheat straw nicely, and built high rail fence around it. My cattle, of course, concluded..that it must be something good, and at once tore down the fence and began to eat the straw. I drove them away, and put up the fence few times; but the more I hunted them off the more anxious they did, every bit of it. As I said, I marry my girls on the same principle. When young man that don't like begins to call on my girls I encourage him in every way I can. I tell him to come often and stay as late as he pleases; and I take pains to hint to the girls that think they'd better set their caps for him. It works first rate. He don't make many calls, for the girls treat him as coolly as they can. But when young fellow that I like comes around, man that think would suit me for 8 son-in-law, I don't let him make many calls before I give him to understand that he isn't wanted about my house. I tell the girls, too, that they shall not have anything to do with him, and give them orders never to speak to him again. The plan always works exactly as I wish. The young folks begin to pity and sympathize with each other; and the next thing know is that they are engaged to be married. When I see that they are determined to marry, I, of course, give in, and pretend to make the best of it. That's the way I manage it."
 NOT HIS EQUAL.
 sI shall not resent your insulting lan- puage," said an Arkansaw colonel to a man who had called him liar. "You are not my equal in social standing, and shall pay no attention to you." The man slapped the colonels face. "I shall not resent any of your slaps, for cannot afford to lower myself to your level"
 "You won't fight me, eh ?"
 "No, sir."
 "You don't challenge me because it would reflect discredit on you to meet me on the field?'
 "You are correct
 "Let's take drink, then?'
 "All right, I'm your man. Give me 8 mint toddy. ."-ArkansaaO Traveler.
 BY THEIR NAMES THEY ARE KNOWN.
 A certain young Hebrew travelling man, with an older companion, bought special ticket of 8 scalper and got aboard the train. When the conductor came around he took up Isaac's ticket and looked at the name and then at Isaac shook his head and said:
 "What's your name?"
 "Let me see my ticket"
 "Can't you tell your name without seeing the ticket? This won't do. You'll have to get off at the next station ol pay your fare."
 This agitated Isaac profoundly, ano he turned to his companion and said:
 "Moses, I've forgot my name that was :. on the ticket. Gan you tell me what i is ?"
 "Vill you lief me see dot ticket, Mir Coondogter ?" inquired Moses. The con ductor showed it to him. "Mien Got Izeek, vor name is dees? Patrick Mori arty No wonder you dond recommem Der dot name Dondyou nefer got som, more teekets pi dem schoolpers init do name on it. Dey will all de dimes gi you afay y"-7he Drummer.
 GETTING EVEN WITH HER. sIs Mrs. Samuelson ill ?" asked Mrs Beezumbee of the servant at the hous of the former on Austin Avenue. "No, mum, she tole me hersef to tol , you she wasn't in.
 '"That's very kind in her. Please tel Mrs. Samuelson that I didn't call thi afternoon. "- Zeras SIftings. BEWARE OF BOYS THAT SING. I once heard boy going down stree singing at the top of his lungs ''Dare t do right, dare to be true p singing it 8 loud that he woke up all the babies O
 the block and set every last dog in tn
 ward to barking, and as he sang h ? smashed window in the parsonage broke 8 chickens leg with 8 stone "sassed' market woman, shot farm CT in the eye with ''nigger-s shooter, :. hit @ dog crack with shinny- -clu
 that made poor Carlo howl till his bac a ached, pulled picket off a fence
 slapped little boy and took his cook . away from him. He disappeared insid " the school-room, and above all othe 7 voices could hear his soulful shriek the morning song, "Oh, hoa0 I loue m teacher dear!" And before prayer ; were over he linked boys nose, put tw
 bent pins where they would do the mo
 harm, salted claim of shoemaker's wa , on the teachers chair, scratched h
 name on the desk with 8 pin, ate an al
 pie, and fired the core into the ear of tl Il good boy with thin neck, who WI " never absent or tardy.-BURDETTE.
 A NEWSPAPER IN DISTRESS. ; Help wanted here Things are goir