The Portland daily press., 1883-01-06
Mark Twain's Latest.
McWilliams's Burglar Alarm.
Harper's Christmas.

dal, from scandal to religion, then took a
random jump, and landed on the subject of
burglar alarms. And now for the first time
Mr.. McWilliams showed feeling. When
ever perceive this sign on the mans dial 1
comprehend it, and lapse into silence, and
give him opportunity to unload his heart.
Said he, with but Uncontrolled emotion:
Il do not go one single cent on burglar
alarms, Mr.. Twian-not single cent-and 1
will tell you why. When we were finishing
our house we found we had a little cash left
over, on account of the plumber not know
ing it / was for enlightening the heather
with it. for | was always unaccountably
down on the heather somehow; but Mrs.
McWilliams said no, let's have a burglar
alarm. l agreed 10 this compromise. will
explain that whenever want thing, and
Mrs. McWilliams wants another thing, and
we decide upon the thing that Mrs. McWil-
liams wants-as we always do-she calls
that compromise Very well; the man
came up from New York and put in the
alarm, and charged 1926 for it, and said we
could sleep without uneasiness now. So we
did for awhile-say a month. Then one
night we smelled smoke, and was advised
to get up and see what the matter was, lit
candle and started toward the stairs, and
met burglar coming out of a room with a
basket of tinware, which he had mistaken
for solid silver in the dark. He was smok-
ing a pipe. l said, my friend, we do not
allow smoking iE this ROOM He said he
was stranger, and could not be expected to
know the rules of the house; said he had
been in many houses just as good as this
one, and it had never been objected to be-
fore. He added that as far as his experience
went, such rules lad never been considered
to apply to burglars, anyway
said: 'Sm Ike along, then, if 1t is the GUS
tom. though | think that the conceding of a
privilege TO a burglar which is denied to a
bishop is a conspicuous sign of the looseness
of the times. But waving all that, what
business have you to be entering this house
in this furtive and clandestine way, without
ringing the burglar alarm?'
He looked confused and ashamed and
said, with embarrassment, 4 beg thousand
pardons. / did not know you had burglar
alarm, else would have rungit. beg you
will mol mention it where my parents NAV
hear of it, for they are old and feeble, and
such seemingly wanton breach of the hal.
lowed conventionalitles of our Christian
civilization might all too sudely sunder the
frail bridge which hangs darkling between
the pale and evanescent present and the sol
emn great deeps of the eternities. May ]
trouble you for match?'
l said, Your sentiments do you honor,
but If you will allow me to say it, metaphor
is not your best hold. Spare your thigh
this kind light only on the box, and seldom
there; in fact, my experience may be trusted.
But to return to business; how did YOU get
in here?'
Through a second-story window
1t was even so. | redeemed the tinware
at pawnbroker's rates, less cost of adyer-
Using babe the burglar good night, closed
the window after him and retired to head
quarters to report Next morning we sent
for the burglar-alarm man, and he came up
and explained that the reason the alarm did
not go Off was that no part of the house
but the first floor was attached to the alarm.
This was simply idiotic: one might as well
have no armor at all in battle as to have it on.
on his legs. The expert now put the whole
second story on the alarm, charged $500 for
it, and went his way. By-and. by, one night,
| found burglar in the third story, about
to start down ladder with lot of miscel
aneous property. My first impulse was tc
crack his head with billiard cue; but my
second was to retain from this attention,
because he was between me and the cue rack
The second impulse was plainly the soundest
SO refrained, and proceeded to compromise
redeemed the property at former rates
after deducting L per cent, for use of lad
der. it being my ladder, and next day we
b" the third story attached to the alarm, fol-
$500.
ny this time the 'annunciator had grown
to formidable dimensions. 1t had forty
seven tags on it. marked with the names of
various rooms and chimneys, and it occu.
pied the space of az ordinary wardrobe,
The gong was the size of wash-bowl, aad
was placed above the head of our bed
There was wire from the house to the
coachman's quarters in the stable, and a
noble gong alongside his pillow.
We should have been comfortable now
but for one defect. Every morning at !
the cook opened the kitchen door, In the
way of business, and rip went the gong
The first time this happened, / thought the
last day was come sure. l didn't think it
in bed-no, but out of it-for the first
effect of that frightful gong is. to hurI you
across the house and slam you against the
wall, and then curl you up, and squirm you
like spider on a stove lid, till somebody
shuts that kitchen door. In solid fact.
there is no clamor that is even remotely
comparable to the dire clamor which that
gong makes. Well, this catastrophe hap
pened every morning regularly at O'Clock,
and lost us three hours sleep; for, mind
you, when that thing wakes you, it doesn't
merely wake you in spots; it wakes YOU all
over; conscience and all, and you are good
for eighteen honrs of wide-awakedness
Observation-Disclosures hours of the yerv
most inconceivable wide-awakedness that
you ever experienced in your life. A
stranger died on our hands one time, and
we vacated and left him in our room over
night, Did that stranger wait for the gen.
eral judgement? No, sir, he got MP at 5
the next morning in the most prompt and
transformations way. | knew he would; /
knew it mighty well. He collected his
life insurance, and lived happy ever after,
for there was plenty of proof as to the per-
feet squareEess of his death.
Well, we were gradually fading away
toward better land, ON account of our
daily loss of sleep; so we finally had the
eXperf up again, and he ran wire to the
outside of our door, and placed a switch
there, whereby Thomas, the butler, could
take off and put on the alarm but Thomas
always made one little mistake-he SWITCH
ed the alarm off at night when he went to
bed, and switched it on again at daybreak
in the morning, just in time for the cook
to open the kitchen door, and enable that
gong to slam us across the house, some
times breaking window with one or the
other of US At the end of week we re-
cognized that this switch business was a
delusion and snare. We also discovered
that band of burglars had been lodging
in the house the whole time-not exactly
to steal, for there wasn't much left now.
but to hide from the police, for they were
hot pressed, and they shrewdly judged that
the detectives would never think of tribe
of burglars taking sanctuary in house
VIGOROUSLY protected by the most i'm
posing and elaborate burglar alarm in
America.
Sent down for the expert again, and
this time he struck a most dazzling idea
he fixed the thing SO that opening the
kitchen door would take off The alarm.
1t was noble idea, and he charged acc
ordingly. But you already foresee the
result. / switched on the alarm every
night at bedtime, no longer trusting to
Thomas frail memory; aud as soon as the
lights were out the burglars walked in at
the kitchen door, thus taking the alarm Off
without waiting for the cook to do it in
the morning. You see how aggravatingly
we were situated. For months we couldn't
have any company. No spare bed in the
house; all occupied by burglars
Finally | got up cure of nv own.
The expert answered the call, and ran an
other underground wire to the stable.
and established a switch there SO thta the
coachman could put on and take off the
alarm. That worked first rate, and a
season of peace ensued, during which we
got to inviting company once more and en-.
joying life.