Middletown transcript., 1883-01-12
THE BURGLAR-ALARNT.
BY MARK TWAIN.

e literature to scandal, from scandal t
: religion, then took a random jumI
/ and landed on the subject of burgla
alarms. And now for the first tim
Mr.. McWilliams showed feeling
Whenever I perceive this sign on thi
mans dial, l comprehend it, and laps
into silence, and give him opportunit
to unload his heart. Said he, with un
controlled emotion =
" l do not go one single cent on burg
lar alarms, Mr.. Twain-not a singl
cent-and L will tell you why. Whel
we were finishing our house, we fount
we had little cash left over, on &C
count of the plumber not knowing it
1 was for enlightening the heather
somehow; but Mrs. McWilliams saiC
no, let's have a burglar alarm. Iagreet
to this compromise. will explain thai
whenever L want a thing, and Mrs
McWilliams wants another thing, anC
we decided upon the thing that Mrs
McWilliams wants-as we always do
she calls that a compromise. Very
well the man came up from New
York and put in the alarm. and charged
three hundred and twenty-five dollars
for it, and said we could sleep without
uneasiness now. So we did for while
say month. Then one night we
smelled smoke, and / was advised to
get up and see what the matter was.
lit candle, and started toward the
stairs, and met burglar coming out
of room with a basket of tinware,
which he had mistaken foI solid silver
in the dark. He was smoking a pipe.
l said, My friend, we do not allow
smoking in this rOom.' He said he
was stranger, and could not be ex-
pected to know the rules of the house !;
said he had been in many houses just
as good as this one, and it had never
been objected to before. He added
that as far as his experience went, such
rules had never been considered to ap-
ply to burglars anyway.
" l said - Smoke along, then, if it
is the custom, though 1 think that the
conceding Of a privilege to a burglar
which is denied to bishop is conspic-
uous sign of the looseness of the times.
But waiving all that, what business
have you to be entering this house in
this furtive and clandestine way, with
out ringing the burglar alarm ?
" He looked confused and ashamed, |
and said with embarrassment - beg
a thousand pardons. 1 did not know
you had a burglar alarm, else 1 would |
have rung it. 1 beg you will not men
tion it where my parents may hear of
it, for they are old and feeble, and such
a seemingly wanton breach of the hal
lowed conventionalities of our christian
civilization might all too rudely sunder
the frail bridge which hangs darkling
between the pale and evanescent pres
ent and the solemn great deeps of the
eternities. May l trouble you for a
match p
s I said - Your sentiments do YOU
honor, but if you will allow me to say
it, metaphor is not your best hold.
Spare your thigh this kind light only
IN the box, and seldom there in fact,
f my experience may be trusted. But
20 return to business how did you get
N here p
&C Through second story window
1t was even so. 1 redeemed the
.inware at pawnbrokers' rates, less
cost OF advertising, bade the burglar
rood night, closed the window after
lin, and returned to headquarters to
'eport. Next morning we sent for the
man, and he came up
md explained that the reason the
.larm didn't go off was that no part
# the house but the first floor was at
ached to the alarm. This was simply
diotic; one might as well have no
rmor at all in battle as to have it only
N his legs. The expert now put the
Whole second story on the alarm.
harged three hundred dollars for it. ,
nd went his way. By and by, one ]
light l found burglar in the third {
tory, about to start down a ladder {
Nth lot of miscellaneous property. l
My first impulse was to crack his
cad with billiard cue but my sec 9
nd was to refrain from this attention, s
ecause he was between me and the cue {
ack. The second impulse was plainly q
he soundest so | refrained and pro-
eeded to compromise. I redeemed the. +
roperty at formor rates, after deduct c
lg ten per cent. for the use of the I
ldder, it being my ladder, and next +
ay we sent down for the expert once s
lore, and had the third story attached Il
} the alarm, for three hundred dollars. 8
" BY this time the annunciator' had 7
rown to formidable dimensions. It n
ad forty-seven tags on it, marked with v
le names of the various rooms and v
limneys, and it occupied the space of s.
4 ordinary wardrobe. The gong was
le size of a wash bowl, and was placed C
Oove the head of our bed. There was Il
wire from the house to the coach "
ans quarter in the stable, and noble 81
ong alongside his pillow. a
+" We should have been comfortable il
DIV, but for one defect. Every morn IL
lg at five the cook opened the door, in d
le way of business, and rip went the A
1ng. The first time this happened 1 h
fought the last day was come sure. O.
didn't think it in bed-no, but out of Fl
for the first effect of that frightful II
1ng is to hurl you across the house. r,
Id slam you against the wall, and then N
lrl you up, and squirm you like a
'ider on stovelid, till somebody shuts II