Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-05-31
whats the Matter"


as he came awkwardly hobbling along
on crutches into our sanctum.
"What's the matter? Jist what I've
came in TO tell We. / have been asked
that question by SO6 persons-the Grant
Chicago Guard, including Conklin, Bish-
op High and twenty commercial bum
mers, every day since these bruised
arms have borne these pension appli-
cant's supports"
"You certainly have not been forming
partnership with GrOschner's dyna-
mite experiment. we ventured to en-
quire.
''Hel-en-fox-fire! What has GrOsch-
ner's ascension experiment to do with
my triumph of architecture? A work
of art which eclipses Gibbs and shades
with mellow light his board of patent
county commissioners? No, sir, /
wouldn't even take stock in Blackman's
family horse unless his head faced the
dash board.
81 told you that | came in to tell you
what's the matter, and | want you to
sharpen up one of those four for nickel
cross between pen holder and a lead
pencil with which Charlie Saur pays
YOU for putting his corn ointment, write
down every word print me 500 extras
marked with a red Y to indicate, as the
tomb stone says, how |. II. S., and don't
YOU interrupt the even tenor of my way.
Everybody is supposed to know
something, and every other body sup
poses he knows everything-e. G. (Which
stands for example) the mule is sup
posed to be the boss kicker and the next
fellow who engages in kicking tourna-
ment with him is conceded, by unan-
nous majority, to be the boss fool. Just
like Stephenson, when a second-class
burglar stole his unwashed undershirt,
kicked his knee out of joint and put his
A. J. on half rations of soothing syrup
because the fellow returned for his last
winters overcoat.
"But | have learned that everybody
don't know everything. L once tried to
be printer, but learned so fast that |
soon knew more than the big fellow
who controls the devil, like John Die
mer does muley steer, by twisting his
tail, and the old boss graduated me
with diploma Ornamented with reg
let seal, and advised me to start fish
market. But old Gamman persuaded
me to enter the office of Quirk, Gamman
& Snap and learn the lawyers trade. |
was not long in discovering that every
one was lawyer, and that the only use
for lawyers was to help some less skilled
scoundrel to steal somebody else's land.
Nobody ever wanted justice-it was al
ways the other fellow didn't want he
should have justice-nobody ever
wanted to know how to do thing, but
wanted to tell you how to do a job for
them. Blacksmiths were telling you
how to improve steel pens; carpenters
could pound your books with orthodox
blows and knocks, and learn law by
physical absorption; the member of the
w. G.. T. q. insisted that the constitu-
ton of their order was a much better
treatise on constitutional law than Story
or Cody had written county surveyors
could prove that by proper application
of gravitation water could be made run
up hill on an angle not exceeding to de-
grees-if the location fees were only
large enough; doctors made believe that
it was not malpractice to reduce frac-
trre by a stove CRATE, even where the
limb left right angle triangle, and that
when the invalid did not die while his
estate was sufficient to pay preferred
claims the treatment would always be
sustained on good financial grounds;
even the D. DIS insisted that it was o.
X. to trade a spawned horse to blind
deacon; and the druggists, shades of
Pagan protect! would sell st. Jake's oil
sc, fpr. ctpo ,1r1t1o toI hn1.y,i 10
and prove it by the N. Y. Ledger.
SIN short soon believed that every
body knew everything, and that one
fellow could do thing just as well as
any other fellow-if not little better.
There was no use in carpenters learning
their trades, all blacksmith needed
was muscle, shoemaker needed only
last and piece of leather, doctors could
be made by feeding them on DR.. Gun
and injecting patent medicine into their
nostrils, while lawyers needed nothing
but Everybody his Own Lawyer and
a copy of the last political platform.
"Now that is the way this thing hap
pened. I wanted wood shed built.
If everybody from a nameless pimp to a
curb stone broker, could forecl0se a
mortgage for So and take decree on a
cognovit for new straw hat; everybody
from stable boy to an old woman and
her herbs could be a doctor, and every
body who could shout Lord have mer-
cy on my poor, dried up, miserable soul
and every living creature meaner than
myself could be soul-saver, why
could [ not be a carpenter?
''Now amt that logic-inductiye, de-
duCtiye and seductive?
II provided myself with little hatch
ct, q la G. WashingtOn's, q hand saw
and peck of spikes. Day by day the
structure grew and from my plastic hand
took form and shape. The key stone
was planted, the summit was reached.
In conscious pride stood on the north
east corner and contemplated my handi-
work. A sensation as of descending on
the wings of a dove overcome me and
the subsequent proceedings interested
me no more.
'"Then came the trying ordeal. Oh,
what medicine men and women we
have-no wretched Indian was ever IA
vored by more. Cabbage leaves and
saur krout, turpentine and sweet oil Il
don't know why the cats were omitted),
hOrseradish and peppersass, whisky and
lager beer, milk poultice and pepper
mint, sweet oil and soothing syrup, slab
boards and paragoric, asafetida and
limberg cheese. One-tenth of the appli-
cations and my own dog could not have
picked me out of garbage pile.
II have lost all my faith and grip in
Hottentot darkness. I don't believe
that everybody knows everything, but
L do believe that the greatest fool will
undertake the most delicate undertake
ing, and that persons will baptise them
selves doctors and attempt to treat