Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1883-04-13

own disease. Surely they are spared
that aiiliction. III so. then | am not
lucky enough TO be insane, for know
all about my malady: know its cause.
and also know that there is no cure for
, il now. Trf .-fF
Il discovered this way OF relieving
nv mind when you frs. told me looked
quite different being Do you re-
member that day? IL was when | re-
turned 10 You in Dresden, released
from Madame Vauvenards refining
m II. as YOU called it. There was all
the JOY of being with you again and Of
learning that those months of hard
work had come To a satisfactory end. i
did work hard and delighted in it. /
was happier then than l ever had been
be ore, more happy than have been
since, or can ever, hope to be again
for everything did was made pleasant
by the thought that it brought me
pearer TO you, TO be with you always,
and TO be to you all that / know nv
mother wished TO be. For know we'll
what she meant to be: feH it when
you were telling ne about your last
hours with her; have since realized it
in thought as well as feeling.
"She never intended to stay away
from you. As YOU said to me. he was
DIR ven mad BY what she was told. and
II was her love for you which prompted
her TO act as she did. | feel as If her
sDirit had entered into me. and that |
may speak for her. Had she cen
spared only for little while she would
have discovered how wrong the im-ulse
was on which sue acted: she would have
gone 60 you, and you would have been
very happy together. feel rs il IL had
been given to me 90 take Up her life n
relation TO YOU. and the hope which
gave me strength to do SO mucn in such
n short time was that of be NO le TO
I'll her place TO some extent, and TO
make You glad aga.n.
See how much calmer have got
Look how wildly began this writing
and how quietly am going on now
lt seems rs IL i had passed out of n
sitting room into fresh air. Thinking
OF you, too. has taken me out o my
NOR i'll self and soothed me. think It
will possible now to tell YOU in n
sensible kind ofway all that some dayy
must know.
""O On that day when | reio;ned YOU
looked upon myself rs different being:
and on that day when you for the i.rst
time brought Maurice Claiborne into
the library here 1 became conscious of
the absolute distinction between my
past and my present Ii e. Lucy Smith
was visible TO me as n dear friend from
whom ! was separated, b to whom |
could still speak. This fanci' nj idea
was tostered by ms recogn zirg in me
n strong resemblance 10 one he had
formerly known, and failing to identify
me.
care YOU startled? are YOU angry
with me? IL is the only secret 4 have
kept from you, and did so partly be-
cause it was difficult TO speak TO YOU
about II. partly because / was not sure
OF myself or of him. Ii is true | knew
him as Maurice Esmond, and. lie knew
me aS Luc Smith. Perhaps would
have been better had | told Won this at
once perhaps it would have been bet
ter if he had been told at once that
had been known rs Lucy Smith, But
yOu had told me that you did moi wish
TO have the past spoken of; and / had
become suspicious o h m. had been
told that o erybudy knew that he. as.
sisted by his father. l find il
difficult even now TO put down in writing
what ! was told about him. But il shall
60 down; it was this--that he was
seeking by rich marriage to save the
estate Of Calthorpe from being sold to
pay their debts.
when l first heard this ! did not be-
lieve it; but when | saw him pretend
ing. rs il seemed. not TO know me. or if
not pretending. showing that he had
cared so tile about me rs TO be ready
To take me for another uerson be au, q
OF n mere change of dress and sur
round ngs, ] felt hurt: then .vexed.
then anLry and suspicious The bitter
thought darted through my m nd that
he was trying to make me regard ,ur
former friendship rs o. so little account
that il might he quite forgotten, in
order that ] might not think he had for
saken me W en- was only poor waH,
although he was willing enough to nav
court To ME when he knew me as an
heiress. No doubt tn unpleasant sus-
piciOn was aroused by what had heard.
W hatever the cause, the suspicion once
aroused. ! soon discovered in his pres
ent, and in my remembrance of his past
conduct, MANY things which appeared
TO give it probability if not confirmation.
l determined TO try him. and so did
everything ! could To appear to him
'qu te different being from Lucy
Smith.
81 had looked forward TO this first
interview with him, and had expected
that there would be on his part amaze
ment and immediate recognition. In
that case had purposed telling him in
your presence how il was that had
been known by another name, and ask
ing him why he had come to us rs
Maurice tsmond. But all this was in
stantly changed bv the mean course he
seemed TO have adopted.
!" stop @ en- now to question N.Y.
self. Was not my course o. conduct as
mean as his? Should not at once have
explained TO him the real post on when
he spoke Of my resemblance TO form
er friends You remember that he spoke
of Il rs SO remarkable. that If she had
appeared IN the same. dress before me.
] would have thought that was look
ing IN mirror. All the mad rest
lessness of mind and BODY is coming
upon me again as think that one word
spoken then might have made every
thing so different.
WAS wrong? No. Unjust not even
think myself wrong. and yet the fear of
AZ haunts me-tortnres me- That would
re terri bic revenge. indeed. for any,
thing l may have made him suffer.
Butit is impossible: can nOtbe wrong;
what happened afterward proves it.
but do not wish You to think toe
harshIy of him. Very likely if could
repeat 10 you exactly all that passed re-
tween Us formeriy yon would tell me
that hid deceived myself in exagger-
ating DE lneaning OF his words and