Public ledger. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1865-1893, 1883-03-19

"Ha, hal | knew you couldn't My
lecturing receipts for last spring and
this winter were fourteen thousand
seven hundred and fifty dollars.
What do you think of thatY"
why, it is amazing = perfectly
amazing. | will make note of it.
And you say even this wasn't alp
"Ali2 Why, bless you. there was
my income from the newspapers Tor
four months - about = Rbout--well,
what should you sag to about eie bteen
thousand dollars, fer instance"
"Say9 Why, [ should say | should
like to see myself rolling la Just such
another ocean of afiuenoe. Eight
thousand I'll make a note of it
Why, man-and on top of all this |
sm to understand that you had still
more incomei"
Ma, ha, hal Why, you're only in
the suburbs of it so to speak. There's
my book-'The IunoceDts Abroad
price 81 80 to 50, according to the
binding. Listen to me. Look me in the
eye. During the last four months and
a half. saying nothing of sales before
that, but just simply during the four
months md half ending March 10.
1870, we've sold ninety. five thousand
Think of it. Average four dollars a
copy, say. It's nearly four hundred
thousand dollars, my son. l get
halil'
The suffering Mosesl I'll set that
down. Fourteen. seven fity-eieht--
two hundred. Total, say-well, upon
my word, the grand total is about two
hundred aud thirteen or fourteen
thousand dollars. Is that pOsslblt2"
"Posslblel If there is any mistake
it's tbs other way. Two hundred and
fourteen thousand. cash, is my income
for this year if | know how TO ci
pier"
Then the gentleman got up to 20.
At the last moment the gentleman
handed me large envelope and SAID
it contained his advertisement.
AS soon as he had gone 1 opened
his advertisement. | studied it at
tentively for four minutes. | then
called up the cook and said:
Hold me while faint. Let Maria
turn the. battercakes
By and by, when | came to, | sent
down to the rum mill on the corner
and hired an artist by the week to sit
up nights and curse that stranger, and
give me a LIT occasionally in the day
time, when | came to a hard place.
All, what a miscreant be wasl His
advertisement" was nothing in the
world but a wicked tax return-a
string OF impertinent questions about
my private affairs occupying the best
part of four foolscap pages of fne
print-questions, | may remark, got
ten up with such marvellous ingenuity
that the oldest man in the world
couldn't understand what the most OF
them were driving at-questions, too,
that were calculated to make man
report about four times his actual in
come to keep from s6earing to lie. |
look for loophole, but there did moi
appear to be any. Inquiry No. COW
cred my case, as generously aud as
amply as an umbrella could cover an
ant hill:
What were your profits in 1869,
from any trade, business or vocation,
wherever carried on?"
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen others Of an equally searching
nature, the most modest of which
required information as to whether |
had committed any burglary or high
way robbery, or by any arson or other
secret source Of emolument in my
statement Of incOmQ as set opposite 10
my inquiry No. |.
1t was strrnge that the stranger had
enabled me to make an ass of myself.
Ii was very, very plain. and | went ont
and hired another artist. By working
on my vanity the stranger had seduced
me into declaring an income of STA.
600. By law $1,000 Of this was exempt
from income tax-the only relief l
could see, and it was only a drop in
the ocean. 1.-THE legal fve per cent
| must pay over TO the government the
appalling sum Of $40 $50 income tax.
| am acquainted with very opulent
man whose house is palace, whose
table is regal, whose outlays are enor-
nous, yet man who has no income. as
| have often noticed. by the revenue
returns; and to him | went for advice.
in my distress, He took my dreadful
exhibition OF receipts, he put on his
glasses, he took his pen, aud prestol-
| was psuperl II was the neatest
thing that ever was. He did it By
deftly manipulating the bill Of dedue-
tons" he set down my State, ma
tional and municipal taxes at so
much; my losses by shipWreek, FIRE.
etc, at so much; my losses on sales
of real estale"-on ''li7e stock sold"
on payments for rent Of home
stead -onf 'repairs,im ents, in
terest -on previously taxed salary
as an officer OF the Uoited States army,
navy, revenue service, and other
times. He got astonishing "dedue>
ton" out Of each and every one Of
these mattera-eaeh and every one Of
them. And when be was done be
handed me the paper, and l saw at q
glance that during the year 1869 my
income in the way Of profits, had been
one thousand two hundred and City
dollars and forty cents.
"Now." said he. the thousand dol
lars is exempt by Law. When you
want to do it to 70 and swear this dec
ument in, and pay tax on the two hun.
bred and fifty dollars"
While he was making this speech
his little boy Willie lifted a two dollar
greenback out Of his vest pocket and
vanished, with it, and / would bet
anything that If my stranger we're to
call on that little boy tomorrow he
would make a false return Of his in
come