The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-05-12
The Paragraph Fiend.


Asin g.ular creature-A prma donna.
The narrow weigh-fourteen ounces to the
pound.
A relic hunter-A fellow endeavoring to
capture a widow.
A sweeping Observation-Disclosures, Pm
going to clean house"
Many people complain OF their gas bill,
md yet 1t is light expense.
Blaine has been weighed and found want
lng--the presidency. SJtings'
Ii there such thing as gratitude? Mr.
HAYES sent no flowers to be laid upon the
coffin of Eliza Pinkston.
The modest young woman who turned all
eOlors" has given up the business owing to
the multiplicity Of new shades
Two men were blown up by dynamite, and
cruel joker who saw them ascend remarked:
There they go-two for ascent"
IN reply to ~ don't want your paper any
longer" the editor wrote: II would not
make it so if you did. 1t would involve new
press"
Electricity is about to be utilized as cook
ing power. Good idea. We can have our
rncat charged" says the Rochester POST
Cincinnati has deaf and dumb lawyer. 1t
Aas been suggested that the Government
ought to employ him in the next star route
case.
AChcago man has composed apiece called
"Pull of Joy Galop," The picture on the
cover represents a man dancing with another
mans wife.
The Chicago Times thinks O'Donoyan Rosa
IN snch fearless patriot that the explosion
ol oil London couldn't scare him out OF New
York City.
woman may do many questionable things
during her lifetime, but when it comes to her
wedding she always stands up for the rite.
\ WISE woman Will not light the fire with
kerosene; but will invite the servant girl to
whom she owes three months wages to do
the same.
The Detroit Free Press notes the fact that
.herc hasn't been one single cll.dclned case
81 cranksm since Guiteau dropped through
.hs scafrod,
\ New York man committed suicide in
sheer disgust. a Pennsylvania backwoods-
man asked him If New York had got big
rnOagh for street cars yet
pint of whisky put in a fruit cake will
Keep ii for six months, and the same amount
put in man will keep him down town till 2
"a the morning. TEXAS SitingS.
The San Francisco Cal has a delicate way
a putting things In speaking Of the
troubles of u deceased gentleman, it says:
''lIis rowing incinations induced him to Dor
TOW O Government mule"
She can work fancy screen,
just the incest ever seen,
IN q style that all her "culchuwed" set en-.
chants,
But my friend, twiXt you and me,
1t wOuln chill II man 10 see
How she stitched patch upon the old mans |
pants.
Pawuec City man wrote to u grocer:
''Pleas send me by berrer two pounds Of shu-
ghor blackin brush, Eve punds of coaey, |
and some little males My wife had baby
last mig hit also two padocks and monkey.
wrench"
a lecturer, dscOurslng on the subject OF
Health" inquired. What use can q man
zaake OF his time while waiting for doctor?'
Before lie could begin his answer to his own
inquiry, some Que In the audience cried out
aslle can make his will"
ATENDER MEETING.
No word was spoken wnen they meet
BY cither-sad or gay,
And yet one badly smitten was,
AS was remarked next day,
They met by chance this autumn eve,
With neither glance or bow,
They often came together So
A freight train and COW.
a number OF fashionable young ladies and
gentlemen OF Louisville engaged in fox
aunt last week. They had TN exciting chase
SCs i've miles, caught their prey and when
5nt OF the fair girls came to take the "brush,"
40 the need Of victory, it was discovered
thas the fox was yellow dog with stump
Zail. louisville should stsdy up Oh vcnatic
pursuits.
Ord Neptune, rising mid the waves,
Looked on our Nsvy's Secretary
While Billy leaned well DER the side
And seemed Of danger all unaware.
They talk Of Bits not knowing much"
puoth Neptune, land they'd like to pin him,
Bat since Pvc heard him 20 ard hcaye,
It's clear to me there's s0nething IN him.
Louisville c0urcrJouiHdl.
THE DUDE.
Who strolls the Ave. each afternoon;
Who Whistles airs all out Of tune;
And dons short coats cut quite too 'soonT'
The Dude.
Observe his form. You can, for he
Wears pants as tight rs tight can be
And pants for notoriety),
The Dude.
Who's still AZ statue cut in wood;
Can't bend, and wouldn't If he could
A sort Of nothing 'twX the bad and good?
The Dude.
Who wears his hair all nice and banged;
And says, "By Jove, that Mrs. Langt.
&y's chawming quite, or I'll be hanged"
The Dude.
Who drives tandem through che park;
Says, "lifes aw, such jolly lark"
fFerhaps the Dudes the long sought 'Snark|)
The Dude.
Who goes to all receptions, teas;
Who smirks a smile ut friends he sees;
And, for his health, sips sangareesr