The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1883-04-28

lOUllj anu pClolG III glass; iahe ny
self Il comedian preparing for his debut, ol
an NJ p rehearsing his maiden speech
To combat my shyness | consulted an ex.
perienced medical practitioner, to whom
fully described my abnormal symptoms
and who recommended me to try colored
spectacles For what added to my confu.
sion was the fact that whenever people
chanced to look at me the nervous twitch-
ing and scared expression of my eye nat
urally attracted their attention and caused
them to stare the harder But it was all
to no purpose; my fatality still clung to me
wherever [ went. My voice, indeed, grew
stronger and more emphatic under the Sc
we're straining Of my Demonsthenic eXer-
cises. But its inherent defects became
proportionally more marked and offensive
My green or blue goggles-for | tried
every variety and shade Of color-only
served to metamorphose my queer-looking
phiz into an exquisite model for carnival
mask
To give one illustration among hun
dred. One summers evening We were all
standing on the terrace of the far-famed
Righi, above the lake Of Lucerne, Watching
the sunset. For single half-hour of rap
ture the combined influences Of the glo-
rious panorama completely absorbed the
sense Of my painful subjectivity Oh
''could | but have kept my spirit to that
flight But my demon was at my elbow.
Not long after | happened to be walking
up and down the now deserted Plateau,
with my sister, expatiating on the beauties
Of the surrounding landscape. Suddenly
we were overtaken by two young English
men, tourists like ourselves, whom we had
not hitherto taken notice Of As they
passed by one Of them exclaimed to his
companion, in sort of stage whisper ''By
iove now we have seen something worth
looking at For the life of me l couldn t
keep my eyes off that odd-looking fellow S
face all the time we were supposed to be
watching the sunset y In single momenC
all the sweet and loving influences Of that
divine vision faded out Of my mind [ can
suggest no better comparison than that Of a
man suddenly walked out of IA dream of
paradise by the scathing scoff of Mephis-
topheles Again | felt myself under the
ban of my fellow-creatures Again [
doubted of heaven and humanity!
Reader, pity and pardon me for [ in
vent nothing, but am telling plain, un-
vanished tale-"an over true story
On our return to England | had to
mourn the loss Of an atfectionate mother,
who died almost heartbroken at the failure
of all the hopes she had built on her first
born, and, as was generally supposed, her
favorite child. Henceforward [ resolved
to bury myself in my books, and turn my
back, once for all, on a world which had
hitherto greeted me onl ly with contempt
and ridicule. For year or two [ stead
fastly adhered to this plan, when it was
temporarily suspended by one of those mys-
terious chances which occasionally befall
the most unobtrusive and secluded of lives
SO with myself [ made acquaintance,
quite accidentally, with young lady Of
personal attractions, and yet more remark
able talents. Circumstances threw us
much together, and [ soon began, for the
first time in my life, to realize the tender
passion. Strange to say, the feeling was
reciprocated; and, with the consent at least,
if not appreciation of our mutual families,
day was fixed for our union. But wheth-
er through accident or dispensatiOn of
Providence, an unexpected hitch occurred
at the eleventh hour. Suspicious were
awakened of a loose screw somewhere and,
finally, was compelled, by stress of cir
cumstances, to make clear breast of it,
and the engagement was amicably termi-
minated [ will only add that this lady,
eminently fitted by her talents to shine in
the social sphere, subsequently made Il
worldly aud better assorted marriage, and
is now the mother Of numerous family.
Relapsing once more into silence and
solitude, l pursued my favorite studies to
the detriment of my physical health, hith
erto excellent. The doctors unluckly pre-
scribed stimulants, and with the unlocked
for result that I, who, up to my thirtieth
year, had been remarkably abstemious, and,
indeed, water-drinker during the earlier
part of my life, now speedily became con-
tirmed tippler, not to say an ''habitual
drunkard!" l do not attempt selfjustifica
ton, nor dare [ allege moral Irresponsible
ty. | can only plead extenuating circum-
stances. All [ can affirm is that an abb
normal nervous organization, from the
very outset of this new phrase of my life,
found instant and inexpressible relief from
copious alcoholic libations. Rather, per-
haps. it was the substitution of one phase
of temporary insanity for another. Alas
how often and how fatally have | practi-
cally parodied the Shakspearean aphorism:
'There's pleasure in [alcoholicl madness
none but [alcoholic] madmen know" My
constitution gradually gave way, until
chronic state of nervous exaltation was fl
nally capped by smart fit of delirium
tremens Providentially rallying out of
the jaws of death, [ made repeated vows
of abstemiousness and even abstinence
But | was continually relapsipg, The lat
ter stages were even worse than the
former | lost all interest for study, and
spent days and weeks in lethargic state
verging on moral paral lysis. 1t was neither
the dreamy paradise of the lotus-eater, nor
even the esthetic hallucinations Of the
opium-eater in the earlier stages of his fatal
lUuulSGlCC. ulNa l. pSIASlSO tlltsC
chronic sense of conscious delirium and Of
almost demoniacal possession which is said
to haunt the victim of opium in the later
stages of his progress.
One by one all my friends had reluct-
antly ''cut'' him whom they considered the
'sdisgrace of the family" found myself
alone in the world. My married sister,
residing in the South of France, had
throughout maintained an afectionate and
sympathetic correspondence with her erring
brother, and now kindly urged me to spend
a winter season under her roof | accept
ed gratefully; and, thanks to her watchful
influence, regained, for awhile, the mastery
over my passion. But after a brief spell
of reform, we were again forced to separ-
ate, for fear of public scandal and bad
example to the household.
The slope of the Maritime Alps, it is