The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1883-05-03

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HINT to lazy man-Endow free
bed in hospital and occupy it your
self.
MEXICO must be o slippery place
on account Of the number Of "greasers'
there.
WAY il fishmonger the most prudent
Of merchants? Because he always sells
G. o. Il.
No MATTER il the postage is reduced,
it is just Ms much trouble to lick a 2-cent
stamp as 3-cent one.
A POET says: Can not man DO wise
without beard?' The old Hairy; he
beard-arn fool if he couldn't.
THANK heaven" exclaimed fond
father as he paced the floor at midnight
with his howEW heir; "thank heaven
yon are not tWins!'
A DEBATING society will tackle the
question: (Which is the most fun-to
see man try to thread needle or q
woman try to drive n nail?"
A New York man committed suicide
in sheer disgust. A Pennsylvania back
woodsman asked him il New York had
got big enough for street cars yet.
IT has been discovered by local phi
losopher that "taken from life" and
kicked by mule are Synonymous cx-
pressions; they mean the same thing.
YouSG ladies who are pining to paint
"flower pieces" are reminded that the
flower piece that is the most attractive
to the marrying man is batch of good
bread.
"TnE best thing I ever read!s ex-
claimed book reviewer, as he perused
his uncle's will and found that the SEN
sible lamented had left him snug be-
quest.
| IT has been remarked that every
miner knows his lode, but the history
of the rise and fall of the toy pistol has
proven that every minor doesn't know
his load.
TELEGRAPH wires are so numerous on
some of the streets in Chicago that peo.
| pie living on q fourth-foor fiat can sift
their ashes by merely throwing them
against the net work.
A PHILADELPHIA man who has tried
il tells us that the only reason why a
sufferers head don't come off when
having a tooth pulled is because the
tooth gives way first.
FoGa had o tooth which troubled
him exceedingly, but he wouldn't have
| it out, not because he was afraid to, as
some of his detractors affirmed, but be.
cause he wished to retain it as keeps
/ ache.
"WHY,' asked governess Of her Lit.
tie charge, do We pray to God to give
us our daily bread. Why don't we ask
for four or five days week?" "Be.
cause We want it fresh, replied the in.
genious child.
AN Elmira man has contracted tc
supply an Eastern firm with 1000, ,OOC
broom handles. And vet it is necessary
t. Introduce tho whipring-post in several
States for The punishment of wife-beat
ers rs!-NOrristO,rn Herald.
"YEs," said she. with tears in he,
eyes, lin his qualities of head and heart
dear George is always the same" Then,
after moments lapse into dreamland
she added: He is SO soft-hearted, dear
fellow. .'-.Sdn Francisco Newsletter.
AN English Bishop querulously re-
marked to his servant that he was dy
ing. "Well, my Lord said the good
fellow, I'VE are going to a better place
John" replied the prelate, with an ali
of conviction, there is no place like ole
England
A LECTURER, discoursing on the sub
ject of Health inquired: "What us,
can man make of his time while wait
ing for doctor?' Before he could be
gin his answer to his own inquiry, som,
one in the audience cried out: He CO,
make his will.'
A New HAMPSHIRE wildcat sprans
from tree at boy and landed in
kettle of boiling sap. The DISCUS
which the animal felt over its faux pa
land the rest Of its body for that mat
teri entirely took away its appetite. :
Boston Post.
"WITHouT joking, will you tell II
what kind Of thing dude is?" ask
lady correspondent. Certainly.
"dude' is no thing. 1t is merely n
apology for a human being, and is to-
weak to he bad and too tame to be wild
-Nen York Idrertiser.
A WESTERN colporteur was once con
versing with an Illinois man on his r.
ligious duties. Said he: DO you a,
tend church regnlarly?" 20, no;
never 90 to church. but alters make
pint to attend all the funerals. The
be Jest as solemn, and thar isn't no kel
lections.'
Bette" is scrgtinizing intently
business card. Underneath the nam
is inscribed: u. s. Marine Corps.
Mamma" she says, suddenly. doe
Col. B. make corpses?" Il suppose $,
dear" says mamma, when he goes
war" That's the reason he ha
corpses on his card. It's his bushes
! card; see. and Bette was satisfied.