Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-08-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

Z-zwunging 'skeets:
What a tale of misery their melody repeats.
How they Z-Zwingie Z-zwingie, z-zwumble,
In the sitting air of night,
While the canopy gets in tumble
And an opening lets in an humble
Skeet with nippng little bite
Singing zwung-g. Zwung-g, Zwung-g,
Ia a sort of foreign tongue,
With a con-confabulation that so hideously
greets,
From the 'sl1eets, 'ekeets 'slzeets.
'Skeets 'slzeetS, 'skeets,
From the z-wanging and the z-zwunging of the
skeetS. Hartford Press.
While her mother was taking a fly
out of the butter, little Daisy asked: SIS
that a butterfly, mammal"
Even man who has had both legs
amputated, when he opens his mouth to
tell some startling stories of the war,
will occasionally put his foot in it.
A chap in prison at South Bend had
tunnel all dug for his escape when par
doned, and he is mad because he lost
200 hours of hard work.
1t is no longer polite to speak of
man as having been hanged Say he
went to the other world as an assisted
emigrant."
To be ;nything at Newport young
lady must have village cart, and a
donkey of her own. The donkey calls
about lunch time.
Mr.. Henry Cake was arrested the
other day for hammering his wife with
q club. Sort of pound cake, rs it
were.
If the Richmond editors will refer to
that standard work entitled, English as
She Is Spoke, they will find the follow
ing: He was lighted in a due"
Forfeit temperance societies are
quite the rage out West. When man
breaks the pledge he pays for the drinks
for the entire society.
The gypsy name for Switzerland
means the land of cheese" Hereafter
the lawyers of Geneva will be known as
''limbburghers."
Can a man marry his deceased wife's
sister in any part of America?-E English
man. Not unless the sister is willing
and as general thing she isn't. She
knows him too well.
pass? OF course I'll passr' replied
12-year-old school girl the other day
"Doesn' tiny brother keep company with
UuC SCuOOIultt tlI11 t1C Will Sic CldEG STUD
one of the family?"
Willie: Mamma, will Susie and me
have birthdays after we're dead? NAM
ma: "Why, what do vou mean?' Will
lie: why, like Washington-don'tyou
know"
A princess who yawned-"W hatr'
said a young beau, ''you haven noticed
what dumpish, stupid girl she is? It's
positively frightful. never called on
her that she didn't goto sleep in half an
hour.
Shingles were split in Tennessee the
other day, and women who are obliged
to split kindlings in the morning are
thinking seriously of moving to Tennes-
see, where the elements are more con-
siderate than thoughtless husbands.
An Irish paper informs its readers that
the members of the British Association
will meet in Montreal next year, and
that they will be treated to excursions
to the Rocky Mountains ''and other
points within easy reach"
81 am subject to light-headed SPELLS"
remarked 4 lady to her guests recently.
Of course each and every one had u
sovereign remedy, but none proposed q
certain cure until her little son spoke
out: ''Why don't you straighten your
wig on, map"
An exchange informs its readers that
servant-girls are fiocking to China
American servant-girls always were
death on that kind of crockery. China
needs to keep her weather-eye open or
the domestic may succeed in breaking
her.
He Slipped quietly in at the door, but
catching sight of an inquiring face over
the stair rail, said: Sorry so late, my
the ears were full, too" said the lady;
and further remarks were unnecessary.
Georgia MAJOR.
If burglar should enter your house.
throw a toy pistol at him. In his rage
he will pick it up and attempt to dis
charge its contents into your head
Then all you have to do is to call the
police and have the fellows body re-
moved.
In this season of the year. when
black-berries and plums constitute the
rural editors bill of fare. Il chicken pie
is q luxury of no small magnitude. We
sat down to one this week. and the
world has looked unusually bright ever
since.
Il understood YOU to say that Your
charge for services would be light,
complained the client, when his lawyer
handed him a tremendous bill. Il be-
lieve l said my fee would be nominal, p"
was the reply, but 80, see"
interrupted the client, phenomenal"
When a doting lover calls his tootsey-
wootsey ''benzoic sulphanide," he is up
in the latest scientific discoveries, and
refers to product of coal-tar which is
''sweeter than sugar, just presented to
the Franklin Institute of Philadelphia by
a learned chemist of that city. But it is
not a pretty name.
''What do you think of the mountain
gorges. Mr.. Spicer?" asked Miss Lady
bird of her neighbor at the hotel table.
''Well,n said the other, thoughtfully, as
he looked around him. Il think that
old anaconda at the head of the table