News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-02-01
WITH HUMOROUS PAPERS.
A Few Texas Siftngs-An: Editor Identifies
Himself.
SAVED BY HIS SCISSORS.

written in his very best Sunday-go-to-
meetin' style. That is what the conduc-
tors particularly like to see, and they
like it so much that they want him to
write it again in exactly the same fine
style.
The other day the editor exhibited the
beautiful chirography, and the conduc-
tor as usual requested him to duplicate
1t In another place The editor knew he
had never written it in that style before
and never should again, but he did his
level best. The conductor shook his
head
Don't correspond" he muttered.
BEST [ can do" said the editor. 'Do
you suppose l can dash of 500 pages per
day and keep up the Peircerim system
of pcnmanship? Do you suppose I can
write like that with those cars of yours
banging away at my elbow?"
'Dont correspond, repeated the con-
ductor, ominously.
'Do you imagine that I am not the
editor of this paper?" asked the editor,
drawing out a gilt edged card and a copy
of the Netcs.
MAY be a sub" suggested the con-
ductor.
'Do [ look like a SUBJ" inquired the
editor, Indignantly, pointing to his dol
lar diamond studs and finger ring.
but I can prove my Identity" he
added, with chuckle of satisfaction.
He whipped out bright pair Of scis-
sors and commenced sIashing up that
newspaper into articles at such rate
that in two seconds the whole paper
would have been converted into copy.
"Stop. That will do, exclaimed the
conductor, smilingly. "There isn't the
slightest doubt in my mind. You can
travel on this line as long as [ am con-
ductor and there's a rail and piece of
the engine left "-KeOkuk NclrS.
TEXAS SIFTINGs.
A SISTERS LovE.-Hostetter McGin-
mis-, a society young man, who is a great
beau, called at the Longcotlin mansion,
on Austin avenue. Misses Esmerelda
and Birdie Longcoffin, who are rivals for
the affections of Hostetter, received him
in the parlOr. During the conversation
he narrated a very amusing incident, at
which Miss EsmereIda burst into vocif-
erOus laughter, while Miss Birdie did not
smile at all, but sat up III her chair i'll
very reserved and solemn manner She
shortly afterward excused herself, and
withdrew from the room, leaving her
sister to entertain Mr.. McGinnis.
'sYour sister does not seem to have a
keen appreciation of humor. [ notice
she did not smile when [ related that
humorous incident"
That's where you are mistaken, Mr..
McGinnis, replied EsmcreIda. 'Birdie
has a very keen sense Of the ridiculous,
and would have roared until You could
have heard her mile off, but she was
compelled to restrain herself"
els she unwell?"
ono, she eats enough for three, but
she wears false teeth, and her new set
gets out of order when she smiles, which
causes her friends to suppose she has no
sense of the ludicrous, but it is a mis-
take. I have often told Birdie she ought
to live i'll Virginia"
"Why so? asked Hostetter.
because she has to readjust erteeth
50 frequently That's what she is doing
now. She ought to live among the
rcadiusters, where she would feel more
at home"
If you think nobody cares for you in
this cold world, Just try to learn to play
the fiddle in Il populous neighborhoOd.
DETROIT FREE PRESS NOTES.
He WOULDN'T SUPPOSE boy had
come home to Christmas, and the old
man felt that it was good time to crafty
his curiosity about speculation.
"Thomas," he began, Eve read a
good deal about specializing in wheat.
How do they work it in Chicago?"
Well, father, suppose you had
thousand dollars"
q won't do it g.! I never had that
much money at one time in my life, and
never expect to"
"WeIl, suppose you feel pretty sure
that wheat will go up ten cents per
bushel before harvest"
81 won't s'pose no SIGH thing [ don't
spose it'll go up over four cents"
"Then you may go on the theory that
Europe has all the wheat she wants, and
prices will drop seven or eight cents in
the next six months"
q sh'an't do no SIGH thing I don't
believe wheat will go down even two
centsn'
Well, suppose you buy thousand
bushels for June delivery -
"Thomas, you're a fool What on
airth do [ want of II thousand bushels of
wheat 2"
"Then you can sell thousand for
July delivery"
q can, ell! I've got about forty
bushels in the grancry, and I can sell a
thousand, can I? did hope you'd learn
something down there, but [ see that
you run all to red necktics and stand-up
collars. You can go out and air yourself
while [ take Il smoke"
SECURING ADVICE. "A DetrOiter with a
reputation of knowing all about horses,
was coming down Woodward avenue the
other day when a stranger halted him,
inquired if he was Mr.. SO and so, and
added:
81 have walked seven miles this morn
ing to secure your advice. Will you go
to the harness shop with me?"
The citizen turned back and walked
three blocks to the shop. The stranger
then showed him two brushes, and
said:
''This brush is twenty cents and that
one two shillings Which would you ad
wise me to purchaser"
"Fd take the dearer, " replied the dis
gusted adviser. Did you bring me
here simply to settle that question:
ooh, no. | had already about made
up my mind to get brush with a land
scape painted on the back. Now about
cmrycombs The object of a currycomb
is to a8itate horse, l suppose, but what
particular style do you advise? Here
are both red and blue handled curry
combs, and will be guided bywhat you
say
"Did you ever own a horse?" asked
the citizen.