The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-04-25
WIT AID HUM0R

/ dealer can give Won the who're thiHSS III
a nutshell
Madam Sehalcili's first engagement
| was rs a scrub-girl in the Convent Gar
| den Theatre. al i've snilings . week.
Her SALARY as . member of the Patti
| troupe is $4,000 rer month
An agricultural friend asks How to
| make g lot i3sda' One easy way is to
| go tonne after midnight and try to got
in bed with yonr pug, hat on Your
| wife viii make il hot enough for yon.
An Enelish servant girl who had re-
turned from the United States TO visit
| her friends ut home, was told that she
/ Cooked really arisiocratic, to which
she responded: Yes, in America all OF
us donestIca belong 10 the hire class. :
youag child in Oregon died from
| the elects of swallowing the leaves OF
an almanac. 1t is suspected that the
seyea-cornered name of a new liver
remedy advertised therein stuck in the
ehild's windpipc.
A young politician explained the tat
| tered condition of his trousers to his
| father by stating that he was sitting UNI
| der an appletree enjoying himself,
when the farmers dog came along and
contested his seat.
| A paper announced for its columns
forthcoming storey entitled 1.-The
| Pfettiest Girl in the Town" A humid
| red young ladies sent postal cards and
warned the editor not to use their real
| names,
A man tanned prairie dogsthat some
body sent him until the docile little crea-
ture would eat off his hand. At last, it
J ate off about three inches of his thumb
one day, but it died of conclusion of
the brain before it could finish the hand.
II was quite setback when we learn
ed last week that Japanese theology
has 1876 bells. We knew that we didn't
have much of a navy, but hardly realiz-
ed that we were scrubbing along with
only one hell. = Cheek.
Did You ever shake hands with a
beautiful girl twenty years of age, and
instead of letting her hand lie in yours
like II sick fish, give you good, hearty
grasp? If you have, you know what
solid comfort is. Rochester Express.
is anybody waiting on youa" said a
polite dry goods clerk to young lady
from the country. Yes, sir" replied
the blushing damsel; that's my fellow
outside; he wouldn't come in the store.
- Cabinet.
"Pomade, sir?" politely said "A barber
to a cranky customer in his chair No"
he growled; Il don't want any oleo-
margarine on my head. .'All right
sir. replied the Uranium manipulation,
II never put butter on cabbages. -
A. T. C0mnfefciai.
You naughty boy!'' exclaimed Mrs.
DIR. Grasswell, turning to her son,
~ on ought TO be ashamed of yourself,
tn II flies m XrAu,. | yUaG ornjno
TO make Il preacher out of you, but if
You don't quit destroying everything,
Eli make YOU study medicine under
yotrt father. -Arkaassazo Irareier-
Angelica (raising her head from the
fashion books over which she had been
poring) III you'd only leave those |
stupid, stupid cards, Algernon, and |
tell me whether You think I'd best |
have my dress long or short. Alger-
non Cooking up from his solitaire)-
why not decide it by cutting?'
A clever Yankee IN Paris recently |
opened a booth on one of the boulevards |
and invited the public to enter it at an |
admission of three sous and inspect the |
fashions of the times. One of the con-
ditions OF admission was that visitors |
were to say nothing outside rs to what |
they had Seen. What they saw was
Disadvantages in a large mirror.
Aunt Jane came down from Vermont
to visit Boston for the first time Dur
ing a fire in her vicinity ON the third
night after her arrival. the fireman's
cry for more hose aroused her from
her peaceful sIumber. and. like a phi
lanthropist who had no waste timber in
her heart. she threw out of the window
all but three pair of her best wooden
stockings.
1t was at Lancaster, Pa The Major
sat looking earnestly and affectionate-
" at his friend. Bob, he said. pres
emily, 81 dreamed about you'll last night. =
Did YOU, ADJ" his friend replied. his
eyes filling with tears. Yes said the
Major, in heartIess tone. Il had the
And then the sounds of
Two strong men ''rastling' under the
liable We're heard in the distance.
..See here. sir exclaimed a Phia-
lelphia grocer. bristling up with right
,ous indignation rs the mill1man made
ais morning call. Il should just like you
% explain how the chalk and white clay I
hat | found in my coffee cup this morn
ng got there l don't know, I'm {
ure, answered the milkman, ''unless
roa sweetened your coffee with the
ame sugar you sold me yeste rday."
A Jacksonville Professor once affixed i
his notice to his lecture room door: I
Prof. - viii meet his classes on the [
tn inst. A wag scratched out the &C. I
n classes SO that it read PROT i
will meet his lasses on the 4th inst. " {
The Professor, seeing the joke, made an !
'ther excision SO that it read: PROF. !
- win meet his asses on the 4th inst. y 5
- R0at9sd Table c
An exchange asks whether anybody
an tell any characteristic fact about
he boyhood of the political .'Boss. )"
yes; he was the big boy who, when he '
aw little fellow fishing, took the pole 9
way from him and said: johnny, c
1T me catch fish for you while you put G
n the bait And Johnny stood by y
nd wondered where the fun came in g
N. T. Herald. Q
A well dressed and very stylish wo-
IAN stopped in a Cleveland restaurant !.
, get her dinner, and the waiter, hand
4 her bill of fare and pencil to !.
heck off what she wanted. She made a
wv marks on the paper and then hand y
d it back to him with quite flourish =
he had checked off the date, headlines
two departments and the price of .
reals. She couldn't read and was too
roid to say SO.
The darkies at the Atlanta union de- E,