Daily Republican. [volume] ([Wilmington, Del.]) 1874-1890, 1883-12-07
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT

acquaintance, old Blank, was dead.
"Old Blank Yes, remember him.
So he is dead % Yes and his heirs
are trying to not aside the will" "They
are ?" Yes and they're are goin to
prove he was crazy. They want yon
as q witness" Want me? Why, l
know nothing Of the CID man, except
that once invested two thousand for
him !" Well, that's all they expect
TO prove by you" What 2" "Why
If you'll come into court and swear that
the old man let you have two thousand
10 invest for him, the case is made out.
When can yon come ?" He never
went.
A lawyer of Cohoes, being before a
court IN Kingston the other day, was
privately asked what kind of a place
COhoes was, when he returned tho fol-
lowing answer will explain 1t by
telling you q little story. One time =
Cohoes woman was in Kingston, and
she went to an exhibition, which was
a panorama show. One of the pictures
shown was intended to represent chaos,
and the word chaos was written be-
low the picture. The Cohoes woman
was a little near.sighted, and seoing
tie word chaos, took look at the pic
ture, and then remarked TO her com.
panion why, it's Cohoes, and it
1t looks Just like 1t, too"
"Your September gas bill ia 81" said
tho collector. "That's the best joke
I've heard in a long time" said the rate
payer. "Why 2" Well, you see, in
August had sickness in the family,
and we burned gas ali night, and the
bill was only 81. In September my
family was In the country, the house
was closed up, and the bill is $s. Good
joke, isn't it 2" and the citizen had .
fresh fit of laughter. "Yes," said the
collector, "it's good joke, but who's
1t on ?" ooh, suppose it's on me !;
but don't mind four dollars for the
sake of a joke"
slump in, Yeast, and I'll drive you
down town." said Crimsonbeak, over
taking that gentleman on the avenue
the other morning. "Thank you,
Crimsoub sak but I'm In bit Of . hur
ry this morning." sarcasticslly replied
Yeast, glancing at his neighbor's horse,
which no one ever accused Of being
fast, and continuing his walk. " Well,
l know my horse isn't fast, Yeast"
oontin ued the driver, but I guess he
can beat a donkey. Jump in" Yeast
laughed and got in.
A girl In one Of the public schools ap-
piled to her teacher for leave to be ab-
sent half day Oh the plea that they had
com pany at home. The teacher referred
her to the printed list of reasons that the
school committee think sufficient TO JUS
tity absence, and asked her If her case
came under any of them. She naively
replied that it might come under the
head of domestic affection.
A story comes from the fatherland to
this effect /: "a drover, trying to sell
pig TO farmer, said :" l want you
to buy this shoat, and, to prove that l.
mean TO do the square thing by you, !
will make you an offer. Take the pig
home, and If lie doesn't suit after you've
kept him six months, send him back to
me, and will return the money you
nowpay me-
Mamma "Mercy on us, children,
stop that noise. What are you quar- rel
ing about - Little Nell eve Isn't
a.quarreling." Mamma " Then " hat
is all this noise about What is Ha rry
scolding for, and why are you pulling
his hair ?" Little Nell " It's only
play, mamma. We is pretendin' we Is
married"
Dennis" asked the Colonel, "when
can see you?" aye can see me now,
yer honor" II want to talk business
to you. When will you be at home?"
When get there, sor." 81 want to
zee If We cannot make arrangements by
which you can pay me-" "In that
evint, BOT, OF won't be there till some
time afterwards.
A little fellow of four years went to
a blacksmitt,'s to soc his fathers horse
shod, and was watching closrly the
work of shoeing This blacksmith
began to pare the horses hoof, and,
thinking that this was wrong. the little
boy said earnestly "My papa don't
want his horse made any smaller"
A politician, who complained of q
pain in his left shoulder at night, was
told by his physician that he mnst lie
on the right side. Lie on tho right
side |" he exclaimed. Which Is the
right side +? I've been lying on al
sides for years, and never seemed to
hit the right one yet
A young lady in Hastings, Oswego,
County, has o canary 0hich she hns
named Roscoe Conkling. The other day
half breed admirer presented her
with kitten named Jim Blaine, with
the proposition to shut the two in
cage together and see which came out
victorious.
She tenderly pushed him from her as
they stood In q bay-window with
the soft moonlight falling upon th"m,
and said Willie, dear, l think you
had better try some other hair
dive your mustache tastes like turpen-
tine"
Have you got quail on toast % ask.
ed seedy- looking party, as he entered
q Market street restaurant the other
day. "Have you got an eagle Oh sill.
YER ?" asked the proprietor. And the
conference adjourned sine die.
Brown: 81 never pretend to know
thing that do not; when don know
thing, | say at once don't know"
Fogg "A very proper course; but
how monotonous your conversation
must be, Brown !"
Clerk of the court: "Owen Doherty !!
Are you Owen Doherty 2" Prisoner
with merry twinkle IN his eyes !:
Eyes, begorrs, I'm OWN everybody
Aunt Indy: "Fo' de life ONE, chile.
I can't nagin' why you're so little.
Winnie: "Whad a 'diclus question ! l
was bon little, OATS why"
An Indiana man secured 5000 from
railroad company for the loss OF three
tingers. Peoria saloon keepers retail the
saMu ut ten cents.
Eyes" said the merchant, "Im ia
great hurry. I've got to 90 and wait
an hour in barber's shop"
The fellow who took offense has LOT
yet returned it.