Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1883-07-15
FROM THE PULPIT.
Familiar Characters In Every Con-
gregatIon.
Which Meet the Eye Ministerial-BOb Bur-
dette's Sermon on the Sleeper, the
Longer, the fidget, the Watch
er, the Time-Keeper, the
Squeaker.

| SOuuS UIOlutJt NIiteo hdWhcJC oui
dette, cast your eyes around upon the
congregation and you will observe these
people, as follows, to wit, namely, viz.
The sleeper. He will be there. Per-
adventure he leaneth bis chin upon a
cane, so that when the moment of deep
and profound slumber cometh upon
him his chin slippeth off and with the
the bang of his head upon the pew in
front of him he is awakened. How
belt, the bang upon his wife's head no
man can hear. Or, the slumberer may
| sit bolt upright and in time to his deep
and regular breathing. Only when you
! cast your eyes upon him, the watchful
| wife of his bosom stabs him with her
elbow, and he glareth upon the cOngre.
| CATION as one who should say: HE
that sayeth slept, the same is
Lair md n Villain
and horse thief" Or, il he be so that
lid thereof falleth down between his
shoulders, and he playeth fantastic tunes
with his nose, insomuch that the boys
in the gallery make merry over the
same, then is it hazardous to awaken
| this slumberer right suddenly, because
he dreameth of divers things, and say
eth to the tithing man who shaketh
him up, "Hey? hi ha. yes, Yes, all
right! Pm up" And thus is the con-
gregation much scandalized. But if he
foldeth his handkerchief over the back
of the pew in front and boweth his head
deyoutly upon the same, even in that
moment when the text is text is pro-
tLn,, mill fhof S1aanar trnnhla
no one, but will slumber sweetly on
until the time of the henediction, and
he will eXtol the sermon and magnify
the preacher.
He in the Old-Timer from Sleepy Hol-
low.
The longer. He falls into the pew
and slides easy into the most comforta-
bic corner. He shaketh himself down
into comfortable attitude. His legs
extend under the pew i'll frons aud
meet his hips at the crOokedest Of OBJ
tu>e angles. He crooks his plant ell
bow in the arm of the yew, and drops
the side of his face into the fearful hOl-
low of his hand, by means of which he
pushes his cheek up into his eye. HlS
shoulders are nearly on level with hlS
head. Every time you look at him you
expect to see him slide out of sight.
And although you are good man
sometimes you wish he would, and
never come up again.
The iidget. Whether you look at
him or not, you know where he Is. lie
| pushes the haSsOck away with a long,
resonant grUan Gifts own. Then he sits
bolt Upright, rocks his shoulder blades
over the back of the pew and hangs on.
| He is going to sit still this Sunday II 1t
kills him. But.the pew is too high, so he
settles down little. Then he puts
hymn book between his back and the
pew. Then he leans forward and lets
| 1t fall with crash. Then he folds his
arms; he half turns and lays one arm
along the back of the pew. Suddenly
he slides down and braces both knees
against the back of the pew in front
| All, that's comfort. 1t lasts ninety Sec
onds, when ne abruptly Strengthens up,
elevates both arms and hooks his elbows
over the back of his pew. That isn't
what he wants; his legs are tired; he
reaches for the hassack with both feet,
upsets it, and in frantic effort to
stay il kicks it against the pew.
Covered with Burning Embarrassment
he pulls out his watch twice or thrice
without once looking at it. BE folds
his arms across his breast, then he
crosses them behind his back; he
puts his hands in his pockets he crops
a Bible OH the floor and puts his feet
into his hat, bat he doesn't. lie stays
together and comes back next Sunday,
every limb and joint of him.
The watcher. His neck is fitted on
globe socket and turns clear around.
He sees everything that goes on. The
man who comes in late does not escape
him, and it is in vain for the tenor TO
think he got little note to the alto, con-
viewed between the leaves ef the hymn
book, unobserved. The watcher saw it.
He sees the hole in the quarter that
every sermon you preach, usually add
ing five or ten minutes to the record,
Ito allow for a difference in watches"
During the sermon
He Refers TO His Watch Every Few
Minutes, or Oftener.
And when you have been preaching,
| say twenty-five minutes, the time
keeper looks at his watch and starts,
| Can he believe his eyes? He looks at
| his watch; then he gazes at you. Then
he looks around at the clock on the gal
| lery to be assured that his watch hasn't
been stopped ever since last Sunday.
| Then he makes u movement to close
| the watch and return it to his pocket,
| but changes his mind, looks at it again
| smiles q despairing smile, and holds his
| hand up little so that his neighbor
| Elder Skinner dropped in the plate. he
| sees that Deacon Slowboy has put one
| cuff. If the door swings he looks
around; if the window moves noiseless-
| w he looks up. He sees the stranger
i'm his neighbours pew, and he sees
Brother Badman sitting away back un-
der the gallery, furtively taking chew
| of the inhibited tine-cut. All things
that nobody wants him to see, the
watcher sees. He sees so much he has
no time to listen.
The time-keeper. AS you pronounce
your text, YOU see the time-keeper take
out his watch, look at it carefully and
close it with snap that says; Coz
clear to the pulpit. lOu know that he
has YOU down to a second, and that he
keeps faithful record OF the length if
can see what time it is. Then with a
long, fixed look at you, he clicks his
watch shut and slowly returns II 10 MS
pocket with the expression OF man
whose amazement has struck him
dumb. and who cannot actually believe
the evidence of his own senses. Ii the
time-keeper cannot ruin the closing
five minutes of your sermon you are
proof against annoyance.
The suueaker. He comes in late.
His pew is the furthest from the door,
His boots are vocal monsters that are
never worn save on the Sabbath day.
to keep it noisy. Down the long aisle
be walks, squee-squaw. When he
reaches his pew there are strangers in
il. He is the soul of hospitality, and he
wouldn't disturb one OF them for 81 900
Back he goes to seat under the gallery
s4uee. squaw, squee-squaw. Then he
remembers he has notice for you to
read, and back he squeaks to the pull.
pit, hands you the wrong notice, and
solemnly squawks back to the pulpit,
delivers the notice, and calmly squaws
back to his distant seat, he alone SOL
emn, while all others are inclined to
| smile The sOueaker is such q good