The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1883-12-29
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

HACKED to death" is suggested as
an inscription for the tombstones OF WIS.,
ltors who die at Niagara. OFT City Biz.
card.
THERE is man down in Maine who
has been IN the county Jail for thirteen
years, and yet he il as innocent of any
crime as twins unborn. He is the
keeper.
"OvERooME by Gas is the headline
in daily paper. We knew those ire
mendous gas bills would kill somebody
sooner or ater.--BOstOn Commercial
Bulletin.
The published report of benevolent
society says: Notwithstanding the
large amount paid for medicine and
medical attendance, very few deaths oc-
CURED during the year"
'PEEKsKnL" yelled the brakeman as
the tram stopped at that station.
Keep still, said one passenger to an
other. What's the matter; is there
going to be an accident ?"-P Ouqhkeep-
sic Eagle.
The profits ON the sale of Arthur
Sullivan's Lost Chord" have reached
100000 By Saint Cecilia, ant we had
a chance, we would lose whole wood
yard for half the money. -BatrIingt ton
HaaOkeye.
HUSBAND, you'll have to go and call
that boy yourself l can't make him
get up. He sleeps as if he were a log. -
go, well, Maria, the boy csn't help it.
It's fate. He was born to be a police
man."
ONLY three months ago O Vassar Col
lege girl started off to be a missionary
III the East, and now comes along a re-
port that the khediFe of Egypt has be-
gun chewing American spruce gum
Phitadeiphia CaU
"CoME, little one, you've only full
filled half your contract-you promised
to play four tunes and you have played
but two" Which fills the bill, my
cavalier, for tune two are four, you
know. Exchange.
A YOUNG man who went to the late
war began his first letter to his sweet,
heart after this fashion: "My Dear
Julia-Whenever | am tempted to do
wrong l think of you, and / say
Get thee behind me, Satan"
AS part of the marriage ceremony in
SerVia, the bride has to hold piece of
sugar between her lips as a sign that
she will speak little and sweetly during
her married life. The sugar soon melts
away. -LOuiSUiiLe Courier Journal.
A New YORK policeman, wishing to do
something appropriate to the occasion,
dubbed gentleman who had just res
cued woman from burning dwelling
house.-BOStOn transcript. Later:
The woman was the officers mother in
law.
THE New York Sun heads local ar
ticle, 1.-TWO Views of Plumbers Bill. 1"
There are good many wreckless spend
tbrifts in New York, but nobody ever
supposed that any one of them would
want to see a plumbers bill twice.
COurder-JOuTnaL.
"WHAT is limited monarchy, John
ny? ?" "Well, my idea of a limited
monarchy is where the ruler don't have
much to rule" "Give an example ?"
Gan example Lemme see! Well, if you
was bossin' yourself, for instance. >
YOnke1S Gazette.
''I SEE by the papers that the Prus-
sian diet has openedin Berlin, " said Mr..
Parvenu to his wife at the breakfast ia
BILE. Z" Is that so 2" said Mrs. Parvenu;
81 suppose it's the same old sausage
meat, sauerkraut and the rest of the
horrld stuff those Germans eat ?"
"YoUR daughter? 1t is impossiblel
Why, you look more like twin sisters
"No, ! assure you, she is only my
daughter, replied the pleasant mother.
And the polite old gentleman spoiled it
all by remarking, Well, she certainly
looks old enough to be your sister,
Rochester. Post Express.
ENGLAND spends six times as much
money for wars actual and possible as
she does for education. France spends
fifteen times as much. and Russia
eighty times as much. Even this coun-
try, where the army is upon afOoting of
the least possible proportion, and the
navy is scarcely worthy of the name,
much more is spent upon them than
upon the public schools.
A GIRL informs New York editor that
three years ago she became acquainted
with gentleman who two weeks later
left for Chicago, and she has never met
him since, but should dearly like to.
She desires TO know where letter would
reach him. As he went to Chicago and
has never been heard of since, it is most
likely that letter would reach him in
the penitentiary. No New York man
stays in Chicago if he can possibly get
-Ph5lddeIphia cal.