The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1883-02-07
HIS PA GOES SKATING.

HIS PA GOES ATING
Said He Was Going to Spread Himself and
He DID.
"What broke your pa up at the roller
skating rink?n asked the grocery man.
"Oh, everything broke him up" said
the bad boy. He is split up SO ma but
tons the top of his pants to his collar
button, like a bicycle rider. Well, he
had no business to nave told me and my
chum that he used to be the best skater
in North America, when he was a boy.
He said he skated once from Albany to
New York in an hour and eighty min
utes. Me and my chum thought if pa
was such a terror on skates we would
get him to put on a pair Of roller skates
and enter him as the great unknown
and clean out the whole gang. We told
pa hat he must remember that roller
skates We're different from ice skates,
and that maybe he couldn't skate on
them; but he said it didn't make any
difference what they were as long as
they were skates, and he would Just par
alyZe the whole crowd. So we got a
pair of big roller skates for him, and
while we were strapplng them on, pa he
looked at the skaters glide around on
the smooth Waxed floor just as though
they were creased. Then pa looked at
the skates on his feet, after they were
fastened-sort Of forlorn like, the way a
horse thief does when they put shackles
on his legs, and [ told him if he was a
fraid he couldn't skate with them we
would take them off; but he said he
would beat anybody there was there, or
bust a suspender. Then we Strengthened
pa up and pointed him towards the
middle Of the room, and he said 'leggo,'
and we just gave him a little push to
start him, and he began to go. Well, by
gosh, you'd a died to have seen pa trying
to stop. You see, you can't stick in
your heel and stop, like you can on ice
skates, and pa soon found that out, and
he began to turn sideways, and then he
threw his arms and walked on his heels
and he lost his hat, and his eyes began
to stick out, cause he was going right
against an iron post. One arm caught
the post and he circled around a few
minutes, and then he let go n began
to fall, and sir, he kept falling all across
the room, and everybody got out Of the
way except a girl, and pa grabbed her
BY the p~olonaise like a drowning man
grabs at a straw, though there wasn't
any straWs in her p~olonaise as / knows
of, but pa just pulled her along as though
she was done up in a shaWl-strap, and
his feet went out from under him, and
he struck on his shoulders and kept
agoing. with the girl dragging along like
a bundle of clothes. If pa had had an
other pair Of roller skates on his should
ers, and casters on his ears, he couldn't
have slid along any better. Pa is a short,
thick man, and as he was rolling along
on his back, he looked like a sofa with
casters on being pushed across the room
by a girl. Finally pa came to the wall
and had to stop, and the girl fell right
across him, with her roller skates on his
neck, and she called him an old brute,
and told him if he didn't let go of her
polonaise she would murder him. Just
then my chum and me got there and
we amputated pa from the girl and
lifted him up, and | told him for
heavens sake to let us take off the skates,
cause he couldn't skate any more than
a COW, and pa was mad and said for us
to let him alone, and he could skate all
right, and we let go and he struck out
again. Well, sir, / was ashamed. An
old man like pa ought to know better
than to try to be a boy. This last time
pa said he was going to spread himself,
and if I am any judge of a big spread he
did spread himself. Somehow the
skates had got turned around sideways
on his feet, and his feet got to going in
different directions, and pas feet were
getting SO far apart, that [ was afraid |
would have two pas half the size, with
one leg apiece. I tried to get him to
take up a collection OF his legs, and get
them in the same ward, but his arms
flew around and one of them hit me on
the nose, and I thought if he wanted to
strike the best friend he had he could
run his old legs his-self. When he began
to separate I could hear the bones crack;
but maybe it was his pants, but anyway
he came down on the floor like one of
those fellows in a circus who spreads
himself, and he kept going, and finally
he surrounded an iron post with his legs
and stopped, and he looked pale and the
proprietor of the rink told pa if he want
ed to give a fying-trapeze performance
he would have to go to the gymnasium,
and he couldn't skate on his shoulders
any more, cause other skaters were
afraid Of him. Then pa said he would
kick the liver out of the proprietor of the
rink, and he got up and steadied HIM
self, and then he tried to kick the man,
but his heels went up to Wonct, and pa
turned a back somerset and struck right
on his vest in front. I guess it knocked
the breath out of him, for he didn't
speak for a few minutes, and then he
wanted to go home, and we put him on
the street car and he layed down on the
hay and rode home. @, the work we
had to get pas clothes off. He had
cricks in his back land every where, and
ma was away to one OF the neighbors. |
l. - 80 - -..A 49,