The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-07-18
COMIC COMMENTS.


COMIC COMMENTS.
The sharks complaint: "Odds fish
what luck! Here 1 have been following
this ship for five hours aud all that's tum
bled overheard is an empty gardine box
FGegende BLatte.
An agnostio: Professor" The agnos-
tic may be briefly described SIS the Know.
nothingst of philosophy. Passing that
point, Miss may tell what she knows
of sense perception Miss: Pro-
feesor, am an agnostic. ~ Vassar Mis-.
The newer arithmetic 1t takes twenty
Eows of hammer in the hands of a woman
70 drive ten-ponny nail three inches. She
misses the nail twice where she hits it once.
How many blows does she strike in oil, and
how far can her voice be heard when she
strikes her thumb ?--Detr0t Free Press.
Mot enough 10 worry him: g. wish I
knew what would prevent my food from dis
tressing me" said Mr. Lymph. My dear
fellow" exclaimed Fogg, come and stop
awhile ut our boarding house. can assure
you that all the food you get there won't
distress you a particle. - Boston Tran
script.
Astronomical Professor" My dear
madam, the progress of modern astronomy
is astounding. We know the distance be-
tween the sun and tho planets within few
thousand miles," Madam" Yes, profess
or; but think of it, that we know even tht
names of oil these distant luminaries. ~
Boston Adgertiser.
Couldn't cheat him: "Tre dollar unit
half" exclaimed Count Ramshackle to the
Niagara hackman, dot was swindle p
cts the regular fare" said the hackman,
"but seeing it's you, I'll take you for three
dollars and fifty cents" "Gootl" exclaim-
cd the count at was without possibilities
to sheet me ln-Ne,o York Commercial Ad
pertiser.
Even all around: A butcher enters Q
lawyers Office" Sir" he asks, "when Q
dog does any damage is not his owner re-
sponsible ?" Certainly" "That being
the iase, rs your dog has just carried of q
magnificent leg of mutton from my shop,
you owe me So" Nothing could be more
just" replied the lawyer, "aud fortunately
that is just the price of the consultation
have just given you!"-Fsench Fun.
TO be continued: A lady was visiting
one of her married friends who had recently
presented her husband with pledge of affec
ton No. /. "What are you going to nam,
the baby ?" inquired the visitor. ''we mr.
going to call her Mary Penelope Thanatop
sis Ellen-not going to leave, are you ?
"Yes, must get home in time for tea II
call in again early tomorrow morning an'
hear the rest of IT," Chicago Cheek
"A kitchen solloquy A servant gil
who had been admonished by her mistres
to be careful in 'washin' mp" the best te
things was overheard shortly afterward in
dalging in the following solioquy while i
he act of washing the sugar basin "If
was to drop this ere basin, and was to cato
4, suppose shouldn't catch it but II
was to drop it, and wasn't to catch it,
reckon should just catch it."-Hartfor
Ting
Jastes - the Peace who is constantly try
Ing ovi<anAl cases was called on to marry
ccup,s. After he had asked the usual quei
ton. il they desired to be united in the bond
of matrimony, and they had replied in h
Affirmative, the Justice asked them solemnly
"Having plead guilty 10 the charge, If Their
are in your opinion any mitigating circum
stances now is the time to state what the,
are."-Teras Sytings.
Cooked his own goose. Not long ag
new member Of Congress was invited to
dinner. He describes It thus: "There wa
nothing on the table when got there bu
some forks and spoons and bricky-brac
Presently they brought in some soup. As
didn't see nothin' else, thought I'd eat al
the soup could, though soup is mighty
poor dinner to invite a Teller TO. So / wa.
helped four times, and then come on til,
finest dinner ever see, and there sot,
groaned he, "chock full Of soup !"-Nea
Rauen Register
-Crowner's quest testimony: II sale
20 him, Billy, you've been taking morphine
haven't your He said, Yes, my stomach
Is ont of order and am compelled to take
1t. feel very bad That was yesterday.
Last night about twelve o'clock went up to
see him aud he was asleep and breathing
very hard. I saw him again about three
o'clock and he was still sleeping. About six
this morning went up again and found
him as he is now-dead. then sent for O
physician, but it was too late. ~ Greensboro
(Ga) Journal.
Every man to his trade /; Heavy TRACE
dian at railway hotel" Prithee landlord
dwells there within the precincts of this
hamlet machinist ?" Landlord-"A ma
ohinist3 Yes, sir" Tragedian-" Thor
take to him this bird of springs. Bid him
wrench asunder these iron limbs, and then,
for our regalement, to chisel slices from its
unyielding bosom, for we would dine anon.
And, pray you, do it quickly. Yon pease
you need not carry, for those, with dext'rous
management, we can swallow whole
Away in-LIs.
GRAVEYARD RABBITS, Some negroes in the
South believe that the souls of the dead en-.
ter graveyard rabbits, and darkey would as
soon be guilty of canuibalism rs TO eat rab-