National Republican., 1883-12-25
THE MAN ON THE AVENUE.
Small Talk About Men aud Measure,

L
corpse editor, as he came into tho Avenue
Mans room with sort of funeral procession
gait aud stood himself up against the wall
like metallic coffin. This is the third
Christmas that has como since I've been
doing funerals on this paper" said he, "and
it's three too raay. don't like it. People
are too cheerful. | understand it is tho an
niversary Of Tho day when tho Saviour was
born, and that's tho reason why everybody is
celebrating What have 1 got to do with
birthdays or celebrations"
Here tho corpse editor ratified his bones
together dolcfully and drew q deep sigh
with his one lung. He seemed immersed in
retrospective thought for few minutes and
then q hectic flush crept into his wan cheeks,
and these camo a light which looked some
thing like life and pleasure into his hollow
eyes, He had thought of something nice.
His voice sounded like tho cheerful rattle of
the hearse fastening back from the cemetery
as he continued; "Now, Good Friday is q day
that l can appreciate. There is too little
attention paid to that day in this country.
Only tho Episcopalians and Catholics observe
IL. The Catholic people arc the most sensible
people after all. They celebrate the annivor-
saries of the deaths of oil the saints. That's
what l call sense. Who cares anything about
birthdays anyway? There's nothing
In them but bit of squalling baby;
no solemnty, no pomp, no black
plumes, no Grape, no procession,
nothing with any excitement or enthusiasm
about it, say give us good funeral for
positive enjoyment There's your hearso,
tfo ,y1,i IN nd
little crowd of .mourncrs aud your bigger
crowd Of curious people, all with solemn
faces; there's your tears and sobs, your white
handkcrchiefs and black wells, Sometimes
there's a procession of mourners in uniform
and a brass band and then they play dirRcs."
The corpse editor ran his tongue over his
thin blue lips with evident enjoyment. lie
scratched his cuff with his long, gaunt finger,
mistaking it for his wrist bone, and never
noticed the difference, for tho bone was as
hard and stiff as tho cuff. All his anatomy
creaked as no leaned over tho Avenue Mans
desk to point out the beauties Of picture Of
the skull and cross bones in patent mcdi-
cine advertisement in q country exchange.
He presently clanked back into
d chair and continued his cheerful remarks.
said he, until they refused to make holi-
day of the fourteenth of April, tho ami
versary of Lincoln's death. You remember
that it was proposed years ago, but the project
WAS abandoned. think it would be mighty
| good thing to make campaign issue of in
the next national struggle l will state right
here that am for the man for president who
remembers death in the midst of life"
The corpse editor was here asked if con-
slant attendance upon funerals in his pro-
fessional capacity as reporter of those sad
events did not become monotonous. mot at
ALL" said the corpse editor; "there is always
q refreshing variety about funerals. No two
of them are exactly alike, and to the educvted
eye the little variations are full of charm.
l believe that am getting to bo appreciated
in Washington. OF course superstitious
people cross the street rather than meet
me, but l don't mind that. l am
repaid for everything 1 have done when
walk down some unaccustomed street and a
woman in the window of one house inquiries
of the woman in the window of next house,
/ Whose dead up this wayY Such is fame
You will never attain to my reputation, but
presume that there are some compensations
in your life"
Here the corpse editor adjusted such of hi:
Joints as had become misplaced by sitting
down, arranged the Grape on his arm, and
giled out, as he said, to attend the under
takers reception.
80
Col Robert Ingersoll has laid it down as
maxim of social economy that the rich ought
to live sumptuously. There are two gentle
men in high official station in this city, who
although severely orthodox in their religion
faith, are firm believers in this precept of th
Ingersoll philosophy. Ono of them keep
twelve servants in his house, while the othe
manages to get along with eight Each o
them spends from twenty to twenty-five dol
lars day for substantials for the table, t.
say nothing of the cost of desserts and wines
While these favorite sons of fortune sit dow
every day to a twenty-dollar dinner tn
larger portion of their fellow citizens ar
quite content if they are able to expent
So for a dinner for themselves and thei
> families; and as for the working peopl
who earn from 81 to Sc day, they arr
+ obliged to divide so cent dinner among al
the members of the household, and as q rul
all are satisfied. The conditions of living ar
! so elastic that they can be contracted fror
S25 day to 81 day without impairin
health or destroying self respect. The un
equal distribution of the good things of thi
life presents problem too profound for tn
Ingersoll philosophy to fathom.
1 #~a
. Yesterdays slush brought an unusui
|, number of crossing sweepers, and the urchir
|, with stubby brooms did brisk business b
!. levying tribute upon the pedestrians alon
n the principal thoroughfares Most of thel
youngsters were fat, chubby specimens,
u utterly unlike "Poor Jo" as it was possib
y to imagine. One fond mother who was o,
J. doing her holiday shopping, was horrife
d to discover her hopeful son slingir
re the mud about and beseeching tho passers
q, in pathetic tones for a penny TO give to h
u poor mother, who was starving at HON
- There was wild rush and then u wall of al
Is guish, while tho smoke rose from the re-
elevation of pair of knickerbocker pant
When the young scapegrace received the m
ternal admonition to move on" he ma,
,r good time toward the paternal rooftree.
,e @s@
!, The eccentric Pittsburger who meande
~ along abreast of all that is now and intere'
~ ing in Pennsylvania politics said last mig
that In thought he knew two gen ntlemen w