Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1883-11-02
OUR KALEIDOSCOPE,

toHnhS UP w iNc stTNtCn-Ou' Wl'cA
cakes.
Bismarck drinks hecr cot Of II stone mug
A schooner snt big enough for him.
Whats the difference between tipsy man
and n now boat? O1c is wa,cr-lght and the
other isn't.
An Ohio physician lured another practi
toner into n vacant house, robbed him, and
made him sign check for $500. There is
no longer honor among thieves.
II is said that the measure of lady's clos
cd fist is equal to the length of her foot.
Therefore, look out when you sec woman
close her fist.
New Orleans has water famine. We
knew just how il would be. IL they began to
send temperance literature down that way.
When these Southern people do find out
good thing, seems MS though they never would
let up on it.
Most Of the writer's who furnish the 'high-
or fiction" for our magazines, would appear
to be II little weak in the upper story.
~ always write best when am full of my
subject" says an author. We always thought
he dshed up his little campaign suppcrs
nicely.
A rural correspondent, who has read
great deal Of sentimental nonsense, wants to
know how he can ''get mash" The kind
Of mash that he needs could be secured by
crawling uUdcr the kitchen stove and pulling
the legs out.
lie had shot his man, and was condemned
to swing for it. The fatal day approached
and the chaplain was sent for, to prepare the
criminal for his awful voyage into eternity.
After reading from the Scriptures and pray
ing with the condemned man, his spiritual
adviser endeavored to draw him out with re-
gard to his condition of mind. "My friend"
he said, solemnly, 81 suppose you realize that
in few hours you will be in eternity ?"
The criminal bowed his head, but said moth
ing. "Can you not, then, solcmnly affirm TO
me that you repent the act which you are
to expiate with your life ?' The criminal
eyes" "Guess you didn't hear the par,cu.
lars, did you? 1t was ten rods, II it was
foot, and took him square in front of the
left car, on the jump. No, sir I'm kinder
sorry that Bill up and died with it, but blam-
cd if I'll go back on that shot, now, and you
can jus! bet your pile on that ere." The
chaplain retired.
Mass mectings-political soirees in the. Bay
State.
Butler is aching to give Massachusetts, an
other taste of the raw-hide.
A Pennsy lvania man tried to swap his
wife for sorrcl horse, but the other man
wanted too much boot.
Mr.. Beecher says that he has read all of
Matthew Arnold's works through twice. This
may be compliment, or may nol-just as
you look at it.
Young Popinjay wonders how he happen
ed to descend the steps Of Miss Blohson's
house 50 precipitately, the other night.
l5lobson was the sole agent.
An exchange says that q brass band is be-
ing organized at Harvard. Culture is doing
wonders for the young men of America.
Sarah Bernhardt is the name of an in.
mate of the Flcmipgsburgh, Ky, jail Ugli-
ness appears to he penal offence in Ken
lucky.
An agricultural exchange says that bees
- De- a
they often take it out of the granger in the
end.
A Tennessee bard was reading one Of his
poems to an acquaintance, when the latter
became tired, and requested him to stop.
The poet persisted in going on and the other
man sho, him dead. The jury found the
poet guilty and his family had to pay fine
and costs.
You'll have to take the will for the
decd" is what the heir said to the lawyer
when the latter presented his BILL Yonkers
Statesman.
Profanity may not be characteristic of
the royal family, but some breezy day you
ought to go out into the kitchen and hear
the qucensware. burlington Hankeye.
''Uitramarine, remarked Brown apeut
ccrulcan-g CARRIED son of Mars who had Just
passed by. Horse marine,' said Fogg,
correcting him. Boston Transcript.
The editor of London Punch has written
play and told people it is comedy. And
the English people have such confidence In
him as a man of sober veracity that they
go to see the play AMI laugh.-LOteeN CIti-
zen.
How Matthew Arnold must curse his luck
for having said only few months ago of
Americans mo one man in 100, 900 has
either the manners or cultivation OF gen.
tleman, or changes his shirt more than once
a week. or eats with a fork.-Neto York
Grdphic.
''Did you enjoy yourself Yesterday,
Amy ~ asked the Boston girl. you bet
your sweet life did," was the forcible re-
ply. 'Oh dear me can l never eradicate
slang from your vocabulary ~ exclaimed the
Boston girl, in despair. II thought that
under my tutelaee you would by this time,
of your own volition, have been able to say,
Wager your snccharine vitality instead of
Bet your swcu, HE. oil city Derrick.