davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
MARK TWAIN'S LATEST.
MwILLIAMsEs' BURGLAR ALARM.
From Harpers' Christmas.


The conversation drifted smoothly and
pleasantly along from weather to crops,
from crops to literature, from literature
to scandal, from scandal to religion, then
took random jump, and landed on the
subject OF burglar alarms. And now for
the first time Mr.. McWilliams showed
feeling. Whenever perceive this sign
on this mans dial comprehend it, and
lapse into silence, and give him Oppor,un-
ity to unload his heart. Said he, with
but Uncontrolled emotion:
81 do not 60 one single cent on burglar
alarms, Mr.. Twain-not single cent
and | will tell you why. When We were
finishing our hourse we found we had
little cash left over, on account Of the
plumber not knowing it. was for en-
tightening the heather with it, for | was
always unaccountably down on the hea-
then somehow but Mrs. McWilliams
said no, let's have a burglar alarm. l
agreed TO this compromise. ! will ex-
plain that whenever want thing, and
Mrs. McWilliams wants another thing,
and we decide upon the thing that Mrs.
McWilliams wants-as we always do
she calls that compromise. Very we'll
the man came up from New York and
put in the alarm, and charged 1926 for
it, and said we could sleep without un-
easiness now. So we did for awhile-say
a month. Then one night we smelled
smoke, and l was advised to get up and
see what the matter was. lit candle
and started toward the stairs, and met q
burglar coming out Of room with bas-
ket of tinware, which he had mistaken
for solid silver in the dark. He was
smoking pipe. l said, My friend, we
do not allow smoking in this room. He
said he was a stranger, and could not be
expected to know the rules of the house /;
said he had been in many houses just as
good as this one, and it had never been
objected to before. He added that as far
as his experience went, such rules had
never been considered to apply to burg
lars, anyway.
said: Smoke along, then, if it's the
custom, though l think the conceding Of
a privilege to burglar which is denied
to bishop is conspicuous sign of the
looseness of the times. But waving all
that, what business have you to be enter.
ing this house in this furtive and clan
destine way, without ringing the burglar
alarms'
He looked confused and ashamed, and
said, with embarrassment, | beg thou
sand pardons. did not know you had
burglar alarm, else l would have rung
it. l beg you will not mention it where
my parents may hear of it, for they art
old and feeble, and such a seemingly
wanton breech of the hallowed conven
tionalities of our Christian civilization
might all too rudely sunder the frail bridg'
which hangs darkling between the pal'
end evanescent present and the solemn
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
"a BIRD IN THE HAND"

This saying originated from the follow
ing circumstance Will Somers, the
celebrated jester to Henry VII, happen
ed to call at my Lord Surveys whom he
had often, by a well timed jest, saved
from the displeasure of his royal master,
and who consequently was always glad
to see him, was on this occasion ushered
into the aviary, where he found my lord
amusing himself with his birds. Somers
happened to admire the plumage Of a
kingfsher.
"By my lady," said Surrey, "my
prince of wits, will give it to you"
Will skipped about with delight, and
swore by the great Harry he was most
noble gentleman. Away went Will with
his kingfsher telling all his acquaintance
whom he met that his friend Surrey had
just presented him with it.
Now, it so happened that my Lord
Northampton, who had seen this bird the
day previous, arrived at my Lord Surveys
Just as Will Somers had left with the in
tention of asking it Of Surveys for pres
ent to lady friend. Great was his cha
grin on finding the bird gone. Surrey,
however consoled him with Saving that
he knew Somers would resture it to him
if he Surrey promised him two another
day."
Away went messenger to the prince
of wits. whom he found in raptures with
his bird, and to whom he delivered his
lords message. Great was Wills sur.
prise; but he was not to be bam boozled
by even the monarch himself.
"Sirrah," says he, "tell your maste,
that am obliged for his liberal offer Of
two for one but that prefer one bird il
the hand to two in the BUSH"
Hence originated this oft repeated say
inc
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
bered to send US bill about like this

At length a perfectly natural thing
came about-after we had answered
three or four hundred alarms-to wit, we
topped answering them. Yes l simply
rose up calmly, when slammed across
the house by the alarm, calmly inspected
the annunciator, took note of the room
indicated, and then calmly disconnected
that room from the alarm, and went back
to bed as if nothing had happened.
Moreover left that room off permanent
", and did not send for the expert.
Well it goes without saying. that in
course of time all the rooms were taken
off, and the entire machinery was out Of
service.
1t was at this unprotected time that
the heaviest calamity Of all happened
The burglars walked in one night and
carried off the burglar alarm yes, sir
every hide and hair Of it; ripped it out,
tooth and toe-nail springs, bells, gongs,
battery and all; they took hundred
and fifty miles of copper wire, they JUS
cleaned her out, bag and baggage, and
never left u, vestige of her to swear al
swear by l mean.
We had time Of it to get her back
but we accomplished it, for money
Then the alarm firm said that what WI
wanted now was to have her put il
right-with their new patent springs il
the windows to make false alarms i'm
possible, and their new patent clock at
tachment to take off and put on the alarm
morning and night without human as
sistance. That seemed good scheme
They promised to have the whole thint
finished in ten days. They began work
and we left for the summer. The!
worked couple of days; then they lef
for the summer. After which the bur
glars moved in and begun their summe
vacation. When we returned in the fal
the house was as empty as beer close
in premises where painters have been a
work. We furnished and then sen
down to hurry up the expert. He cam
! up and finished the job, and said: No
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
AN OLD QUESTION.

spirit that from earth had just departed
fingered moment on Its upward way.
And, looking back. saw. as though broken.
hearted.
Its friends and kindred weeping DER its clay.
at seems they loved me dearly. Had known II
My life would have been much happier" it
said
"why only at our parting have they shown it
Theii fondest kisses keeping for the dead?"
MARGARET ErTINGE, in Harper's Magazine
for January.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
For the Democrat.
THE OWNING ROD.
By WILLIAM BRUNToN.

By WILLIAM BRUSTOS.
The magic rod have seen II,
I've seen It carried around,
I've seen II fasten DER the place
Where gushing streams are found;
I've seen the gladness then exprest
As swim the fountain ran,
And thought how sweet a picture this
ofhidden springs in man.
The world is wide, the world is cold,
For some barren place,
A scraggy pasture bare and Wild.
With little show of grace:
The only want in this distress,
Is water from the skies.
That percolates beneath the ground,
And fain 10 us would risei
No wondrous need is called for here.
No old magician's charm,
No Black Art of the ancient days,
But happy hearts with love made warm:
Yes, hearts ell tender, true and kind,
That love with love sincere,
They visit many desert life.
As running waters clear'
And who can tell the change thus wrought?
II follows child and wife
Some glad word said. some good deed done,
Turns out the well OF life.
IL feeds the mind from day TO day,
In summer time II cheers,
In winter days II stu is good.
And life TO all endcars.
Such potency our God has given.
To crowd his world with bliss,
And win from Wilderness and wild
garden bower like this.
Don't blame His will for all we see,
Don't talk with grief and care,
But know the rod oflove will Hnd.
Loves fountain everywhere,
Then carry with you good, kind words
To homes and lands of drought.
And youIl divine by magic skill
Where love comes welling out;
And then you'll see the channel true
Yield up n constant store,
green spot on liies hillside wide
To sparkle eyermorel
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
Oxy or THE BRIGHTEST CHARMS

ora fair face Is q fine set Of teeth. The
ladies being fully alive to this fact, patron
ize SozoDoNT in preference TO any other
dentifrice, since they know by experience
that it preserves like NO other the pristine
vhiteness and cleanliness OF the teeth, aud
makes a naturally sweet breath additional
ly fragrant. 1t Is one OF the privileges OF
the bs1,lr ser to look lovely and that pro-
portion OF it which uses SozoDoNr mas
learned that the article contributes In no
small degree to the end in view. All the
druggists sell 1t.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

in at the kitchen door, thus taking the
alarm off without waiting for the cook
to do it in the morning. You see how
aggravatingly we were situated. Fol
months we couldn't have any company.
No spare bed in the house all occupied
by burglars.
Finally got up cure Of my own.
The expert answered the call, and ran
another underground wire to the stable,
and established q switch there so that
the coachman could put on and take off
the alarm. That worked first rate, and
season Of peace ensued, during which
we got to inviting company once more
and enjoying life.
But by-and.by the irrepressible alarm
invented a new kink. One winters
night we were flung out of bed by the
sudden music Of that awful gong, and
when we hobbled to the annunciator,
turned up the gas and saw the word
Nursery exposed, Mrs. McWilliams
tainted dead away, and l came precious
near doing the same thing myself. |
seized my shotgun and stood timing the
coachman whilst that appalling buzzing
went on. l knew that his gong had
flung him out, too, and that he would
be along with his gun as soon as he
could jump into his clothes. When |
judged that the time was ripe | crept to
the room next to the nursery, glanced
through the window and saw the dim
outline Of the coachman in the yard be-
low standing at present-arms and wait
ing for a chance. Then | hoped into
the nursery and fired, and in the same
instant the ccachman fred at the red
fash of my gun. Both of US were sue
cessful: l crippled nurse and he shot
off all my back hair. We turned up the
gas and telephoned for surgeon. There
was not a sign Of burglar and no win
dow had been raised. One glass was
absent. but that was where the coach
mans charge had come through. Here
was a fine mystery burglar alarm go
ing off at midnight of its own accord,
and not burglar in the neighborhood.
The expert answered the usual call
and explained that it was false alarm
Said it was easily fixed. So he over
hauled the nursery window, charged a
remunerative figure for it, and departed.
What we suffered from false alarms
for the next three years no stylographic
pen can dercribe. During the first few
months always few with my gun to the
room indicated, and the coachman al
ways sailed forth with his battery to
support me. But there was never any
thing to shoot at, windows all tight and
secure. We always sent down for the
expert next day. and he fixed those par
ticular windows so they would keep
quiet week or so, and always remem.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
"A Southern paper says the allisat

"A Southern paper says the alligator
destroys millions of mosquitoes BY letting
them settle on his jaws and then swal-
lowing them. Ladies who are annoyed
by the pests might rid themselves of the
nuisance by keeping an alligator in the
bedroom during the night, but there are
some women who would prefer the mos
quitoes. They would as soon have a
mouse loose in their chamber as An ALI
GATOR
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

..."Skill and patience succeed where
force fails" The quiet skill and patient
research which brought forth kidney-wort
illustrates the truth of the fable. Its grand
success everywhere is admitted. Disease
never comes to US without cause. Ask
any good physician the reason and he viii
tell YOU something interferes with the
working OF the great organs. Kidney
Wort enables them TO overcome all OBJ
structions and preserves perfect health
Try box or bottle at once.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
The tradesmar who skins his customers
can afford to sealskin his wife.
RtcnrsIS Hop FARMING.

At the present prices, ten acres In Hops
will bring more money than five hundred
acres in any other farming; aud, II there
is consumer or dealer who thinks tho
price of Hop Bitters high, remember that
Hops are SIPS per To-, and she quantity
and quality of Hops in Hop Bitters and the
price remains the same as formerly. Don't
buy or use worthless stuff or limitations
because the price Is less.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

Mothers should remember 1t is most
important duty at this season to look after
the health Of their families and cleanse the
malaria and impurities from their systems
and that nothing will tone up the stomach
and liver, regulate the bowels and purify
the blood so perfectly as Parker's Ginger
Tonic, advertised in our columns.-P0st.
See other column.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
4 Coop FRIEND TO THE CHINESE.

San francisco. A. F. Bee OF the
Cb inese Consulate Office, expresses himself
cles -ly in saying that he, as well as MS
Ssmil > have suffered severely from rheum-
atism ani neuralgia, aud that medicines
we're us,,d in vain. At last st. Jacobs OH
vas tried which effected immediate cures
in every case. The Consul regards the OH
AZ the create 81 pain curing remedy in eI'
tatanca
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
No, Paul, the window of the soul Is not
a pane in the stomach.
Tuy P.RprrutrY OF FAME.

As the name OF the immortal washing
ton has been most sacredly perpetuated as
that OF a hero and statesman, so also has
the fame of Swayne's Ointment for skin
diseases descended into perpetuity as the
only reliable remedy in the market for ev-
ery character of skin disorders, and as the
reward of fwell-deservine merit. Worth and
merit go hand-in-hand. II Is useless I"
contradict the worth OF this article.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

wIsTAR's BALsAM OF WILD CHERRY
cures Coughs, Colds, Bronchitis, Whoop-
ing Cough, Group, Influenza, Consumption
aud all diseases OF the Throat, Lungs and
Chest. 80 cents and 81 q bottle.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

The mint authorities report scarcity or
ten cent pieces. This accounts for the fre-
oueucy with which some people are
Obliged to pass of three-cent piece Tor
q dime
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
HOODS
SARSAPARILLA

Has decided" claims upon the public. This
Is positively proven by the immense good it
has done 70 those who have been cured OF
diseases from which they have suffered In
tensely for years. as verified by the publish
ed testimonials, every one of which Is pos
Tive fact.
CHELSEA, VT, Feb. "a, 1873.
MEssRs. C. ]. HOOD & Co, Lowell, Mass:
The 9Th day OF last June was taken sick
with swelling on my right foot. and with an
awful pain The swelling went all over me.
My face was swelled so that could with dif-
fculty see out Of my eyes, and l broke out
over the whole surface Of my body; my right
foot up 10 my knee was one raw, itching
mass, and my ankle and foot so lame and
sore I could not step ON y, and II would run
SO as to wet bandage through In an hour.
In this condition Mr.. W. +. Hood (of the firm
OF A. II. Hood & Son, druggists, OF this town,
handed me bottle OF HOODS SARsAPARIL-
IA. and told me 10 take II. ] did so, and by
the time had taken one bottle found that
twas doing me good nave ave sihes ssSsn nea iSTea
bottles nv soreness began to leave me, and
Ihaye been growing better every day, so
that TODAY can walk without going lame.
] have no soreness In my ankle ana y naS
healed all up. and does not run az all lowe
my recovery to your Sarsaparilla. i wrlte
this 10 let you know that think II deserves
the confidence OF the public, especially those
who are troubled with humors.
Yours most truly,
JOSIAH PITKIN.
P.S. Every person that saw me said that
I never would get over my lameness without
having a running sore on my ankle; put
thank God have. J.f.
Mother Sarsaparilla has such sharpening
effect upon the appetite. No other prepa-
ration tones and strengthens the digestive
organs like HOODS SARsAPARILLA-
Price one dollar, or six bottles for nye dol
lars. Prepared only By G. L HOOD 9 Co.
Apffesle9 LJ~eA. NsM
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

A pure, wholesome distillation OF witch
hazel, American pine, Canada fr, marigold,
clover blossoms, etc, fragrant with the
healing essences OF balsam aud pine. Such
Is Sanford's Radical Cure for Catsrrh.
Complete treatment for 81.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

What q saving have made during the last
year by being my own doctor. Last year
I paid out $685. for doctors aud their
medicine, this year paid s. for six bot
ties of Sulphur Bitters and they have kept
health in my whole family. They are the
best and purest medicine ever made
Charles King, 90 Temple Street, Boston,
Mass
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

1t has been ffty years since the papers
commenced to advise people not TO blow
the gas out, and yet 1t is still practiced
enough to keep the grave-disger's business
lively
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
50.

Good health, rosy cheeks and beautiful
skin, ladies can get by using Browns Iron
Bitters.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
ALWAYS REFRESHING.

Every Congressman has tariff duty to
perform.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

ALWAYS REFRESHING.
A delicious odor is impaired by Flores
ton Cologne, which Is always refreshing,
no matter how freely used.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
Portland. Ne, Oct. SIth, loc-.
Price. 65 cts. (Iruggists). by mall. 20
ca. prrpatd Three bottles So.
From the many City Testimonials we
Give a Few.
CAPILLARis CURkD NE

of Ofdandruif and humpr, y. c. NEAL, NJ. ID.
II cured me OF Dsndrun, II. P = GOULD,
Apotntcsry, rner Myrtl~ and Congreos streets.
Its sales prove ts popularity, SorF L hiNo
MAN ALDEN sDruggists
lis bringing out good growth OF hair where
Was bald &. A. PAR,ON>, (Druggistl GEo. Z.
REARSE r. n. HAMLIN, GARDINER III. PAk-
KER J y. LANl'ER.
know cf It's curing twelve of nv customers OF
baldpess, dandruf, sc, +. o. SoMERs. Barber.
II has cured number OF my customers Vi 'ne
am highly pleased with Capillaris II sur
nssses an. thing ever used for the ladies' toilet,
take D ea-urs IN recommending y, MISS VI. T.
roc EEs HELEN ID. HIGGINS and many others.
h.ve uses your hair dressing, think II has all
,he merit you claim Tor IL on your circulars
John {. PRoCTER, ESQ.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

The man who lends his influence rarely
Rets IL back.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
LET ME SHOW You

Dolls for little girls, domans for their
big sisters.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
A Wopn To MOTHERS.

The weigh to wealth., 800 pounds to
the ton
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

"You are giving me syrup" is successor
TO the taffy slang.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02

You can never rely on an echo. Doesn't
Shakespeare speak OF the cave where Echo
nas1
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
From tbe Portland Daily Advertise.
CAPILLARIS

ynnn PERSONS 20 call 90 me, that are
OOO bad. losing their hair. troubled
vim d,pdrufT Or uumOr. those that have been n.
shie L. get cureJl1, amt | will cure the,n
rSuilaris tor i've dOllars or nothing. No
nAy required until al oi the above cures
are made. | challenge sny person IN the city
of portlaud. to produce a case that can
NOT cure. unless he roots are entirely dead,
which j. not the case in more than one case In ten
and vet they may have been bald for years Any
s,ns I'M, ny "Caprillsri-r cannot be hnmbugged,
a. II Ia. no equal for a hair dressing and is worth
the price OF il for that purpose. Two or three
bottles will make all of the above cures. Never
theless We think skeptical and increfulous per.
sons that are cured OF all the above diseases, and
their hsir >tored ought 20 be willing 10 pay -
amer the result aimed al IL accomplished.
T.HILL MANSFIELD, Prop'r,
Centennial Block. Portland. Maine.
Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02
Gbe0tfora 9emotrat
pUBLlSHED EVERY TUESDAY
GEO. II. WATKINS.
Editor and Proprietor.

TerrnS---S2.OO per Year.
,..,, ..-,,,,v in advance, dedueron OF on, cts
- be made. n paid within ak months,
deduction of twenty-five cents VIII ne
wsHr II not paid TIL the end ot tne
wear two dollsrs will be charged
single Copies ave cents.
Rates of Advertising.
LEGAL NOTICES.
ysr one inch Of space one week; u"
~ Ea-h subsequent week, y cents.
sro,iai Notces-2S per cent. additional
PROBATE NOTICES
oder. Of Notice on Real Estate, 3U
O-ler- on Wills, -
G415..,r, tors ana Executors Notices, $50
S,-,rsi ssIoners' Notices, -'N
rs.,ps r,s ale with Local AdveTtisers,snd
- lvgrtf-emcnts continued any eonsinerNot
s---h al time; also, for those occupying eh'en'
slve space. -
~ he made a, tne following well established
., p. Rovsu 4 Co, 10 spruce ST., New York
n,,.bv \ Co., III Fulton 81, New loTk, j. ~,
~. a PArh Row New York; ;. VI. fstsensl
~, ,- PARK Row, New York L. Z. hNahs'
S,.,r. Mass, =. VI. Pvtfeng M So.' ~ S.Nte -
E,..,o Mas. Horace Dodd, rs W NasnihSt,n =, ;.
R..-,p Nsss y. ". Aver y son, fhhsie, pSlN
- A. Coos Co, Chicago, III; ;. L. Niles
4 fremont 81. Boston, Mass.
SUBSCRIBERS
.,, .eu by examining the colored slip attached
~ t4..-. .r4urrs. the amount due, an thosc WISH
- 4, avail them selves OF he advanced pay tnCots'
co .gni us by mail, or hand 10 the dearest a-eus
-, h. - Ou the slip, neaus the paper - PS-o
" 49, noncv u sent, care should be taken tS
,vtmIpc the slip, and ii The money is not eredi'eu
..S.p tour weeks We should be ap0rised OF H.