Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1883-08-24
THE HOOK AGENT.
4 Contribution to tho Conscience Fun


We used to think that the hook agent was
a mercenary miscreant, says Texas Siftings,
a fiend in human form, whose stock in trade
was braZen cheek, command OF second.
hand language, and the prospectus OF an H.
Illustrated book in twelve monthly parts. We
confess that we believed him to be bold, bad
man, stepped IN iniquity and lost to shame.
We even wrote of him, and printed what we
wrote. We called him vampire and a
worldly-minded outcast. We wrote what
we called humorous articles, in which we
desoribed how he worked on the feelings Of
his landlady and scattered eloquence all
over the house, from attic to cellar, until she
wac persuaded to purchase 81 copy OF
Civil Engineering in Five Easy Lessons, and
we told how wheI old Fulcrum, refused to
buy the Female Beauties Of the Eighteenth
Century, and kicked the agent down the
front stepa, he found him five minutes after
wards in the kitchen selling Book of Bust
ness Forms to the hired girl. But we have
had an awakening. We have experienced
change Of heart toward the book agent
since we have given his peculiar useful
ness in the economy of nature more mature
consideration, and since we have book writ.
ten by ourselves now being sold by subscrip.
ton and by book agents. Our conscience
stings us for what we may have said in the
past that may have hurt the sensitive feel
ings of the book agent. We wiGh to atone
for the injury we have done him and make
amende honorable. The book agent Is an
educator. Heis conscientious, self-sacridc.
ing dissemination of intelligence and second
hand wood-cut illustrations. He is an ex-
omplary citizen. He bears the proud mans
contumely with eq humanity, while he in
duces him to buy leather bound edition OF
the Encyclopedia Britannica, which not only
| instructs him, but affords him an excellent
| thing TO strop his razor on. He goes out into
the country and tackles the agricuturist in
his lair, and sells him 1.-THE Diseases of the
Horse and their Cure" In one volume-a book
without which the farmer might go down to
his grave ignorant that his horse had several
diseases with long LatiL names.
The book agent ministers to the rich and
poor alike. He calls on the mechanics wife
and sells her EVERY Lady Her Own Cook, "
book containing 1000 useful recipes, with q
collection of Latin AMI Greek phrases in an
appendix book that will teach her how TO
construct rhubarb pic or build hard-boil-
ed doughnut, and that will store her mind
with choice aphorisms In the dead languages
while she 10 waiting for o cake to rise. Now
that several thousand book agents are tramp
ing over the country offering our book for
sale, we regard II one Of the greatest over
sights of the last legislature that II failed 10
pass law making 1t felony to use rude
language to book agent. The members of
the legislature would have earned the ever
lasting respect of all classes Of citizens II they
had rendered money subsidy to every book
agent who vista the State on his mission of
mercy and DISTINGUISHED bonevolence. Par
ents should instruct their children to watch
out, and If they sec man whom they sus-
pect OF being q book agent, invite him to
come to the house aud take dinner.
When book agent Is expected to arrive
at place, the Mayor and leading citizens
should have the decency to meet him at the
depot with garlands and 9 brass band, and
conduct him 10 triumph through the streets
to the banquet hall, where after presenting
him with the freedom Of the city, they
should subscribe, and pay In advance, pro-
vidng 1t was our book he was trying to sell.
PorGhance some Gaptious person, lost in sin
and wickedness, and unable TO ind his way
out, will intimate that we are little too
liberal in our proposed treatment OF book
agents. To all such we say: We don't pro
pose to say anything to them. Let them ex-
eroiso little patience, snd the book agent!
himself, with copy OF our Mustang, will
say something TO them. lie will tell them n
low, soothing tone Of voice, OF It's 7OO
pages, its 800 original illustrations, lis pellu-
cid wit, its chaste statistics, its glddy humor,
and its wealth Of canned information about
Texas and Mexico, and as they subscribe for
u cloth-bound copy, with gold-plated pic
ture on the cover, they will call down bless.
ings on the head Of the man who invented
the book agent,