davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
HUMOROUS.

-Lghtnlng-bugs would be a lively
and suggestive name for telegraph ope-
rators. Boston Commercial Bulletin.
&c Are trade-dollars taken at parpn
inquired little Rufus Bolts of his mother.
No, but they are taken from pa when
he goes to bed with his boots on. -
Teas S9ttispqs.
1t is said that the United States
would stand poor show in naval en-
gagement because she has so few war
ships. This can not be. She has plenty
OF navy to-backer. Boston Star.
A stone-cutter received the follow
ing epitaph from a German to cut upon
the tombstone of his wife: "Mine wife
Susan is dead. If she had lived till next
Friday she'd been dead shust two weeks.
AS a tree fall, SO must it stand
Chicago Tribune.
-'sDid you see that meteoric display
last night" asked Smith of Gilholy.
When did it come Off" "About
nine o'clock. Didn't you see itp
No, of course | didn't. I live out in
the suburbs of Harlem, and never get a
chance to see anything that is going on
after dark in the business portion Of the
city. IN 7. Meas.
-"Any good shooting on your farmP"
asked hunter of farmer. Splendid, !"
replied the agriculturist, 'sthere's a dry
well man down in the clover meadow, a
cloth peddler at the house, candidate
out in the barn and two tramps down
In the stock yard. Climb right over the
fence, young man, load both barrels,
and sail in. ~ Toledo Blade.
-"What influence has the moon on
the tide?" the teacher asked John Hen
ry. And John Henry said it depended
on what was tied; if it was a dog it
made him howl, and if it was a gate, it
united it, just as soon a COW or a young
man came along. 1t is such things as this
that make school teachers want to lie
down and die every day at four O. clock.
Burlington Haa0kege.
The grandma of little four-year-
old had been telling her one day not to
say people lied, but rather that they
were mistaken. Her grandma, to amuse
her, told her bear story, which was a
tough one to believe. After she had fin
lshed the little girl looked up into her
face and exclaimed Grandma, that is
the biggest mistaken Ihave ever heard. !"
San francisco Ne,0s Letter.
cit. is WEAKLY quite amusing" re-
marked a New York dude, after land
ing in Philadelphia; 81 am-aw-used
to being admired by the women, dom f
you know, but to-day as / came down
the steps to the Bwoad-stweet station, a
dozen men began exclaiming Hanson,
hanson, hanson, in such loud tone Of
voice that WEAKLY could not help over
heawing. ~ Philadelphia Press.
-" Has the Colonel been around this
morning?'' inquired guest at sum-
mer hotel. 'Colonel, what Colonelp'
asked the bell-boy. "Why, the boss;
the man who runs the hotel" Colonel
Huh! He amt no Colonel EVERY
body about here calls him Colonel
THAT'S nonsense. He had so many
corns one year that some one called him
kernel in fun, but he amt no Colonel. =
Chicago Times.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
A Vocation to Keen Ont OF.

II would advise every young maa
who is thinking upon the question OF
adopting profession to avoid law"
said a Philadelphia Judge of twenty-five
years experience. on the bench. 'sYet,
that is only general statement There
must be lawyers, and the law will al
ways afford a certain number of splen-
did prizes for sustained and well-direct-
ed endeavor. 1t is the knowledge of
this fact that forces so many excellent
minds into competition for these re-
wards. But the contestants are to the
prizes ten to one. The bar in all the
large cities of this country is hopelessly
overcrowded. Not more than half the
lawyers make comfortable living"
''Law!" said another Judge. "It's
good thing to keep out of at the rate
at which young men are coming to the
bar. infer that few who have desire
to achieve distinction in it will believe
me. Though there are half a dozen
members of the bar in this city who are
reputed to earn $4,000 a year, there
are 600, | am quite sure, who do not
earn clear nine dollars a week One
can hardly say at the outset who will
and who viii not succeed. OF two men
of apparently equal abilities and oppor-
tunities, one will somehow reach the
front in few years, while the other
will always remain in the rear.
There is, for example, a very
young man, earning ten or fifteen
thousand per year. The District At
torney, / know, made three thousand
dollars during his third year at the bar.
There are, of course, a large number
of people who have such luck. But,
bless my soul, there are men of ability
and energy, who have been at the bar
for ten years and do not earn as much
as they would at a tolerably good trade.
1t is no wonder SO many, who enter
upon the legal arena full of confidence
in their ability to achieve great things,
! become disheartened in year or two
and enter upon other pursuits. The
| overcrowding of the bar must, to a
| great extent, be ascribed to the work
ing of the same principle that turns
out scores of clerks and book keepers
when skilled mechanics are really re-
| quired. It is the idea that manual
labor is degrading and that it is some
how better to be a lawyer on the ragged
edge of poverty than a maehinist or
printer with comfort and an assuring
future. This idea grows in the general
atmosphere of the public schools, and
by the time boy gets into the upper
classes he is incapable of calmly think
ing of entering any vocation ID which
his hands might become soiled. -
| PHILADELPHIA Times.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
A Good Story.

In the village of W lived man
who had once been Judge of the coun-
~, and was known all over it by the
name of Judge L. He kept a store and
saw-mill, and was ALWAYS sure to have
the best of bargain on his side, by
which means he had gained an ample
competency, and some did not hesitate
to call him "the biggest rascal in the
world. He was very conceited withal,
and used TO delight to brag of his bust
ness capacity whenever any one was
near to listen. One rainy day, as quite
a number were seated around the stove
in the store, be began, as usual, to tell
his great bargains, and at last wound
up with the expression, Nobody has
never cheated me, nor they can't
neither.
Judge" said an old man Of the
company, 1--WE cheated you NOR n you
ever did me-
How sop asked the Judge.
If you'll promise you won't 60 to
law about it, nor do nothing, I'll tell, or
else won't; you are too much of law
character for me-
"Let's hear! let's hearr' cried half a
dozen voices.
I'm promise" said the Judge, "and
treat in the bargain y
I" Well, do you remember that wagon
you robbed me out OPP
l never robbed you of any wagon,
exclaimed the Judge; 81 only got the
best of bargain. y
"Well, ] made up my mind to have it
back, and
"You never did, interrupted the cute
Judge.
"Well, you see, Judge, sold you one
day very nice pine log, and bargained
with you for a lot more. Well, that log
| stole off your pile, down by your mill,
the night before, and the next day |
sold it to you. The next night I drew
it back home, and sold it to you the
next day; and so I kept on until you
bought your own log of me twenty-seYen
times"
"That is false!' exclaimed the infu-
rated Judge, running to his books and
examining his log accounts; "you never
sold us twentY-seven logs Of the same
measurement.
81 know it, I" said the vender in logs;
''by drawing it back and forth the ends
wore off until it was only ten feet long
just fourteen shorter than the first
time brought it-and when it got SO
short I drew it home again and worked
it up into shingles, and then I concluded
| had got my wagon back and slowed
away in my pocket-book.
The exclamation of the Judge was
drowned in the shouts of the bystanders,
and the log-drawer found the door
without the promised treat. And to
see man mad you have only to ask the
Judge if he ever was robbed. The
Plo9OY101.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
HOME, FARM AND GARDEN.

"A mixture of black pepper and
flour, in proportions of four of the
former to one of the latter. busted on
cucumber vines Immediately after rains
is good protection against insects
NJ Post.
I'm Russia the finer variety of plums
are raised by planting the trees at an
angle of forty-five degrees or lower.
and bending them down before snow
falls in winter, which then covers and
protects them completely.
"A correspondent of the New En-
gland Farmer thinks that liberal dress
ing of phosphoric acid. potash and lime
will prevent the ravages of black knot
in plum and cherry trees, saying this
disease is unknown where land is new
and rich in mineral elements.
Veal salad, if made with care, win
actually take the place of chicken salad,
and will deceive the epicure. Use at
this season of the year a little lettuce
torn in small bits and plenty of celery
salt. Make the dressing just the same
as if the meat were chicken. 7.
Post.
"A nice filing for chocolate cake is
made of five tablespoonful of grated
chocolate, five of sugar, and the yelk of
one egg; if the egg does not moisten it
sufficiently wet it with little milk; put
it in little tin pail and set it in dish
of boiling water, and cook like custard
until it begins to bubble.-Erchange.
1t is common to cut grain as low
down as possible. Sometimes this is
necessary to gather it all when felled
by rains, but otherwise there IS no adj
vantage in low cutting. A long stubble
is often an efficient protection for young
clover in winter. 1t holds the snow,
which would otherwise blow away
Chicago Tribune
1t is practice among gardeners
when reporting plants to pack the
earth very tightly about the roots. The
gardeners reason for this is the fact
that a loose soil acts as a sponge to re-
tain too much water, while very COM
pact soil will hold little more than
the plant needs. This is wise precau-
ton to guard against overwhelming.
The Amerecaas Garden suggests that
that synonym of meanness, s'pusley,"
may be got rid by raking it into heaps
the larger the better-between the
rows of vegetables. The centre of the
heap will soon ferment, and in short
time reduce the entire mass to a
black blotch upon the ground. If all
mean men could only be got rid of as
easily!,
"A successful grower of ounces at
tributes his success to the fact that
most of the trees were set in low, muir
ky ground, and with such shelter that
their fallen leaves and those of an adj
joining apple orchard, made good an
nual mulch. He says it is not the
trunk and branches of the ounce that
are tender, but the roots, trees being
almost invariably killed in exposed
situations where frost penetrates deep
ly. He mulches well with autumn
leaves and well-rotted stable manure,
saying the better the manure with rea-
sonable limits) the fairer and larger the
fruit.-N 7. Herald.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
A Tale OF Treasure TroYe.

About two months ago there foated
through the newspapers an item to the
effect that Anna Chute, workwoman
in the paper-mill of the George w.
Wheelwright Paper Company at North
Leominister, in this State, had found
$1,000 in a bale of paper stock which
she was engaged in sorting. The mon.
ey was in two Treasury notes, $1,000
and $500 respectively, of the first issue.
On tracing the matter it was found that
the bale. which was mostly writing
paper, was one of lot bought in New
York. There was abundant evidence
in the papers that they had come from
a certain New York city bank, and cor
respondence was at once begun with
that bank with view to determining
the question if the money belonged to
the institution. Asked if the bank had
met with any loss, the reply came that
since the bank was chartered, MANY
years ago, but one loss had occurred,
and that was in the autumn Of 1873,
when $1,000 had disappeared from a
teller's tray, and had never been found.
Suspicion had rested all these years on
several employees of the bank. They
could not be proved guilty of the pecu-
lation, nor would it have been possible
for them to establish their innocence
had they been charged with the rob-
berry of the missing money. It was the
hope of the officers of the bank that the
money found in the paper-mill should
be proved to belong to the bank, as the
innocence of the suspected persons
would thereby be demonstrated.
1t came out, on making a thorough
investigation, that a room used by the
bank. for storing account books and 9th
or nearly useless matter representing
old transactions had become so crowded
and crammed with the accumulation
that orders had been given to the jani-
tori dispose of the papers that had
lain there longest. Accordingly, the
janitor on May 80, Decoration Day-the
time being chosen as one when the bust
ness could be attended to most conven-
iently-had the papers packed up and
taken away by the porters of firm
who dealt in paper stock. The books
OF the firm showed that this was the
only stock taken in on that day; that it
was Immediately baled, marked and
numbered, and shipped to the mill in
North Leominster. There was no
longer doubt that the money found in
the mill belonged to the bank, and the
notes were therefore surrendered a few
days ago. The bank officers, fully APP
preciating all the circumstances gov
erning the case, have rewarded tho
lucky finder with gift of three hun
dred dollars. Boston Transcript.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
Last Words Of a Hopeless Drunkard.

The following extracts were taken
from one of the lectures of j. j. Tai
bot, who recently died from the effects
of drunken debauch, at Elkhart, In
diana:
''But now the struggle is over, I can
survey the field and measure the losses.
I had position, high and holy. The
demon tore from around me the robes
of my sacred Office and sent me out
churchless and Goddess, a very kissing
and by-word among men Afterward /
had business, large and lucrative, and
my voice was heard in large courts
pleading for justice, mercy and right.
But the dust gathered on my books, and
no football crossed the threshold of the
drunkard's office. had money, ample
for all necessities, but it took wings and
went to feed the Golfers of the devils
which possessed me. / had home
adorned with all that wealth and the
most exquisite taste could do. The
devil crossed its threshold, and the light
faded from it's chambers; the fire went
out from the hottest of affairs, and,
leading me from its portals, despair
walked forth with me and sorrow and
anguish fingered within. l had chill
dren. beautiful-to me, at least-as a
dream of the morning, and they had SO
entwined themselves around their
fathers heart that, no matter where it
might wander, ever it came back to
them on the wings of a fathers indy
ing love. The destroyer took their
hands in bis, and led them away.
had wife, whose charms of mind
and person were such that to see her
was to remember, and to know her was
to love her. For thirteen years we
walked the rugged path of life together,
rejoicing in its sunshine and sorrowing
in its shade. The internal monster
would not spare me even this. | bad a
mother, who for long years had not left
her chair, a victim of suffering and dis
ease, and her choicest delight was in re-
fleeing that the lesson taught at her
knee had taken root in the heart of her
youngest born, and that he was useful
to his fellows, and an honor to her who
bore him. But the thunderbolt even
reached there, and there it did its most
cruel work. Other days may cure all
but this. All, me! never a word of re-
proach from her lips; only tender
caress, only a shadow of a great I'M
spoken grief gathering over the dear old
face; only trembling hand laid more
lovingly upon my head, only closer
clinging to the Cross, only a piteous ap.
peal to Heaven if her cup was at last
not full. And while her boy ragged in
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24

ford from above, ''and you shall have
just as much as you want to keep up
your strength"
By and by the noon whistles blow
shrilly, and hundreds of workmen who
have just heard the news of the acc1-
dent flock toward Poplar street, and
from one to another it is told that
Frank Gaskell is down there in the cut
ting buried in the sand up to his neck,
and that it will be hours before they can
get him out. Again the whistles blow,
and the men from the mills and facto-
ries return to their work, but the
anxious, waiting crowd is still great,
and to their impatient eyes but small
rescue. The courthouse clock strikes
two, then three, and still Strawford is
kneeling by the edge speaking encour-
aging words to Gaskell and telling him
what progress the workmen are maxi
ing. The long afternoon drags by.
Gaskel1 from his prison watches the
white clouds chase each other across
the narrow rift OF blue sky that he can
see. He says but little, and StraWford
fears he is growing weaker.
more wine, Frank" he asks; but
the other says NO." and the silence is
unbroken save for the noise of the
workmen's shovels as deliverance slow
ly approaches.
The clock strikes four, and as the last
| stroke ends Gaskell says YEARLY:
is it no later? 1t seems to me have
been here for days.
Courage. Frankr' Strawford says
cheerfully; "we shall have you up here
with us before long. The men are work
ing brayely, and they are great deal
nearer you than they were an hour
ago."
| I'm glad Jim got out safe,'' Gaskell
was afraid he wouldn't be able to move
quick enough I
g Frank Strawford calls to him,
"Johnson tells me they hope in another
hour to have you out of this if all goes
right and here Strawford breaks off
suddenly.
Sand and pebbles are once more rat
ting down from the treacherous western
wall
"My Godr' exclaims Strawford, in
low tones, 81 am afraid it's all up with
| Frank"
Faster and faster slides the sand, and
Gaskell gives one agonized look into
Strawford's plying face. Then once
again the sand comes down in one
fierce rush, completely filling the cut
ting, and Strawford, with the memory
of Frank Gaskell's last look. turns
away Oscar Fay adams, IN Christian
Union.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
Now She Wants to Kill a Bear.

Miss Fuller is bright and attractive
young lady who is doing her share in
the worlds work by conducting school
at Grand Marais. When not teaching
the young idea to handle its musketry,
she has been learning how to shoot, her
self, and by practice has become quite
an expert with the Winchester 1t didn't
take much pleading to win promise
from Mike Brazel, with whose family
Miss Fuller boards, that be would give
her lesson in deer-slaying. Choosing a
favorable night the plucky schoolma' am,
armed with her rifle and attended by
Mr.. Brazel, repaired to small lake
where deer were known to be frequent
visitors. A iack-light was rugged in the
stern of boat, and, with rifle ready.
the lady patiently waited developments.
Soon a fine buck came stamping through
the brushwood, attracted by the glare
on the water. Plunging in, he swan
toward the light, until he was near
enough for a shot. SHOWS your
time" whispered Mike to his COM
panion.
"Where shall aim forP' inquired
the girl, in tone of intense excite
| ment
Fright behind the ear" was the
answer. No more words passed. An
instant after the school-ma' ANS rifle
sent forth binding flash and deafen-
| ing report. Ibid hit himP'' queried
the girl, as she took. the rifle from her
shoulder. In answer Mr.. Brazel sent
his boat forward with couple of pow
| erful strokes, and there, struggling in
the water, lay the gallant buck, the
blood pouring from bullet-hole be-
hind his ear, attesting the accuracy of
the teachers aim. The sight oyercame
her. Sinking down in the boat, she
clasped her fair hands, raised her eyes
to heaven, and exclaimed: "Now, let
me only capture bear and I will be
ready to die!"-Marquette llfich.) Mn
! mo JaBrssaL
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1883-08-24
Temperance Reading /.
THAT REMINDS NE.

That reminds me of a story:
In the fall of 80
You remember that the Hoosiers
Were disposed to take the view
(Or at least portion of them)
That they ought to have the right
To prohibit such excuses
As excessive getting Tight
So they organized canvass
To subStantiate their claim.
And the Anti-Prohibitionists
OF course must do the same;
Consequently for the battle
There was summoning of clans,
There was blowing of wind instruments
With splitting of tympans;
mere was posting up OF posters,
There was gathering from afar,
BY the small boy, of old barrels
Made combuStible with tar:
And the relative advantages
VI faucet and of pump
We're discussed with frenzied eloquence
Upon the stored stump.
Now an honorable Senator
Was stumping of the State
For the ''And-Prohibition'
And the ''Pro-take-something" slate.
His were blows that lit like Vulcan's,
And among the various links
That he forged to make his argument
For freedom and free drinks
Was question. He had argued
Against sumptuary laws
With frequent punctuation
Due to sumptuous applause;
But more telling than his rhetoric,
Unresisting as his foot
When the platform came against it,
Was this question that he put:
Now, my friends and fellow-citizens,
Your optics please to turn
On the wide ungarnered harvests
That around us glow and burn
In the golden hue of autumn,
And permit me to inquire,
As try to curb my choler,
To keep down my rising ire,
If these Prohibition zealots
We're to carry out their wills,
By shutting up the sample-rooms
And shutting down the stills
Tell me, here among the corn-felds,
Tinted with the blush of morn
Tell me what, my brother Changers,
We should do with all our corn?"
He had made that simple question
Very numerous, indeed,
But in calling out an answer
He could never quite succeed:
Till one day. he having asked it
In its customary place,
He was startled by a Hoosier's
Asking him, with solemn face,
If he really wished an answer.
He replied, of course he did;
He had asked for information.
Then that Hoosier moved the lid
OF his dexter visual organ
s And answered in trice:
81 hope that we would try to raise
Z More bacon and less vicel''
The Continent