davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1883-09-06
Stretchv Rslipion.


An old couple. man and wife, were
along the wharves a day or two ago
limiting for an up-shore boat. and the
woman explained to 4 steamboat agent:
"It's very stormy season and We ex-
pect 70 be seasick, and we druther 90
on a boat where the captain is relig-
ious man
well, that's all right, he replied.
We've got one very religious captain
on our line, and his boat sails tonight -
q "Can we 90 down and see him?m
"Oh, yes. Keep right down the street
until YOU see the boat.
The couple walked on and finally
boarded the steamer. The captain and
all hands were busy with cargo, but the
old folks walked up to him and the
woman said:
Gaping, YOU have been recommend
ed to US as Il religious man. ?
"The - hayen he promptly
growled
They looked at each other with con-
sternatioh depicted in their faces, and
then the old man said
to?''
"See herer roared the official, ''if
you We come here to bleed me for some
charity, or want me to sign q petition,
or expect this boat TO carry a lot of
dead-heads up the lake, won't stand
4 it! What do you want? Out with it,
now, and no Internal chawing around.
I'm banked if | amt bothered by more
dashed lunatics than other blanked man
"A on the dashed IakesN'
Man and wife retired to consult, and
after getting ten feet away the woman
said
"Henry. he's not a religious man.
''Wel, | dunno.
"But he swears like Il pirate.
Yes, Maria, but you see this is out
West. We don't swear and belong to
3 the church too in New Hampshire, but
they may do differently here. Heswears,
but he looks like man to depend upon
in storm.
"Shan't we look for anotherP''
II guess not, Maria. guess The reli-
gious out here in Michigan are a kind Of
stretchy and they low swearing on
steamboats, and around the depots
Wen go by this boat, and if he don't
swear any harder than he did to us
mebbe Providence will let him squeeze
through on the up-trip and sink him
when he comes down.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1883-09-06
Wrestling With a Ladder.

A man came out of the postofiice car.
rying tifteen-foot ladder on his Shout.
der and attempted to cross Broadway.
Two ladies, vender of pencils, po-
liceman and two ordinary citizens wer
victimized before the wheel of heayy
truck struck the end of the ladder. The
man spun around for a moment or two
and then settled down with the ladder
across his back. The truckman and
stage drivers shouted, and small boy
perched himself on either end Of it and
attempted to see-saw across the man
back. The policeman, recovering his
dignity. assisted the man TO arise,
threatened to arrest him. and finally
sent him down Barclay street, amid :
chorus Of yells from all hands.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1883-09-06

Il can't tell, sir. am just going to
dinner"
'Yes, know but I've another ques-
ton or two Was Cleopatra a married
womanpn
Il don't know. sir.
Don't YOU? That's bad, for I've q
bet of three to one that YOU knew all
about it. Wen. well let that pass. Do
you think that Shakespeare lived happily
with his wife, and is there any truth in
the rumor | heard up on Michigan av-
enue half an hour ago that he hated
cats?'
What do know about these things?"
exclaimed the official II am in Il hur-
ry, SIR
$50 am l. but wait minute more. -
Let's see! Oh. yes, / wanted to ask YOU
if it would be of any use TO try to revive
a person who had been drowned three
days.
mo, sir!' shouted the official.
Wouldn't, eh! Sorry for that, for |
have bet of ten to five that it would
be. Sit down a minute while | ask YOU
another question. DO you believe that
maternal instinct descends 10 fish
worms?"
Il believe you are crank, sir, and
-r
you do. Ell? Then | win bet OF
twenty to five, and viii never cease to
be grateful. History tells us of the
youth"
II am going homeH'
Certainly, and I'll walk up street
with you. History tells us of the youth
who fired the Ephesian dome. "
Il don't care-I don't care cent,
sir!'
Yes, but what was his name, and
was the dome insured? Did the fire de-
partment come out, and was the youth
arrested on charge of incendiarism?
want your decisionP"
go away-go Oft don't want
you!" shouted the official as he tried to
put-walk the other.
you know, don t you?n
mo, sir-no, sir-go way from metz
You don't? Then l lose Il double bar
relied shotgun on a bet that you did
One more question. "
The official rushed for n car and en-
tered it. but the man walked along be-
side it and looked through the window
and said:
what is meant by the term 'spon-
taneous outburstg | have frequently
seen it in print, and thought I'd ask
you to explain.
A silver half-dollar changed hands in
the car, and broad-shouldered laborel
jumped out and spit on his hands and
ran the information-seeker into hard
ware store, where he had no sooner re.
covered his breath than he said to the
clerk who came forward:
I've always thought if | ever Got
time to cali in here I'd ask You ii il
was true that Henry VIII. invented Sar-
atoga fried potatoes2'- Detroit Free
Press.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1883-09-06
The Care Of Ice.


In most localities ice-houses are now
so common that there is usually little
difficulty in procuring a supply of ice.
Still, in newly settled places, ice is often
difficult to obtain, and must be brought
from distance. in the sick-room. espe-
cially in some fevers. the life of the pa
tient almost depends upon having ice.
/. Then the usually cheap commodity be-
scomes very precious, and every care
smust be taken for its preservation. The
common method of wrapping a lump of
ice in blanket answers very well rs
long as that remains dry, but rs soon as
the blanket is wet through by the smelt-
inc of the ice, it becomes poor protec-
/ ton. The advice to place the ice upon
a feather pillow and cover it with an
other, may be followed, if nothing bet
ter can be done. This affords the proper
conditions for the preservation OF ice, in
completely surrounding il by some nom
conductor of heat II viii not require
smuch ingenuity to so prepare a box,
5with lining of cotton-batting, felt or
Other none-conductor of heat, that it will
4prescrye ice for long time. lfiHc ice
Wis to be used in small bits, TO be placed in
the mouth of the patient, use sharp awl
for chipping off pieces of the proper size.
If powdered ice is to be applied to the
head, etc, first break the lee into pieces
as large as hens egg, then put these
into Il canvas bag or coarse, very
strong towel, and by using Il wooden
malIet, gradually at first, it may be red
uced to u fine powder. Rubber bags are
made to hold ice in applying it TO the
head, etc, but in the absence Of these,
bladder will answer american Ag-
ric14lt1tni ------
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1883-09-06
Information Mantad.

A City Hall official was about to de
part for home and dinner the other day,
when 2 stranger entered and intro
duced himself as John Linden, and add
ed:
II presume YOU are 4 smart man. or
you wouldn't be holding this position.
! want to ask You question or two
You own a horse9
mo. sir
Don't, eh? If you did own one. and
she had symptoms Of poll-eyil, what
would you do?"
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
Authorization.

A colored man DER whose head about
seventy summers had passed, was
quietly but earnestly wrestling with q
watermelon near the market, when he
was disturbed by the appearance of a
small boy of his color. The boy sat
down on box and looked grudg 1ngly
at the melon, and the old man looked
up at him and queried:
young man, I reckons I could give
you half dis mcllyon an hab plenty
left. ~
..Thanks, Uncle.''
"But l shan't do it, kase it might be
de spilin' of We. In de fust place, de
law am plain an cl'ar on de pint dat
what / leave behind goes to my material
heirs, In de second place, q Pusson
widout antlcipashun mus be dretfully
Unhappy. AS de case now stands you
anticipate. You anticipate dat half dis
yere mellyon will stuff me full an I'll
have to leave all de rest. You antici-
pate dat I'll get choked on de seeds, or
git sun-struck, or be tackled by de collie.
As de mellyon gradually disappears
you'll anticipate dat won't gnaw de
rinds very clus. As de rinds disap-
pear you'll console yourself wild de fack
dat de seeds am left. As I wrap de
seeds up in my handkerchief you'll
reckon on lickin' de bod whar' de
mellyon was cut an eaten, but as lif'
up dat bod an gin ye whack on de
back yen anticipate better dan to
crowd in whar' ye amt wanted. Now
you skip!'- Detroit Free Press.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
Noah L. *.

Some yrars ago I met in Egypt Mr..
Garvy, then, and PROBABLY still, an en-
ginecr of high position in the service of
the Egyptian government, and who dis
tinguished himself during the late war
by his heroic efforts to aid the English
residents to embark in the vessels sent
for them. He had previously for many
years been in the service of the Russian
government, and had been sent to the
neighborhood of Mount Ararat tor some
object which l now forget. But / rec
ollect, as likely many others do who
had the pleasure of knowing Mr.. Garvy,
hearing him mention that, prompted by
curiosity, he had assembled the summit
of the mount and remained for some
days on visit at the monastery that
was then there; that the monks stated
to him that the roof of the apartment
assigned to him, and I think some 9TH
ers, was composed of the ribs of the
Ark. Mr.. Garvy said that he examined
the structure very closely and that it
bore all the appearance of the roof be-
ing supported by the ribs of a vessel,
and the wood appeared very old. He
also said that few years after his visit
the monastery was destroyed by an
earthquake, and that he never heard
what had become of the alleged ribs of
the Ark. I do not profess to believe
that part of the Ark was incorporated
into the monastery. merely tell the
tale as it was told to me- SO, am sure,
too, did Mr.. Garvy-so, too, probably,
did the monks, who, no doubt, got the
story from their predecessors. London
! NelU9
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
Domestic Economy.

One of the witnesses before the
United States Senate Committee on Ed
ucation and Labor made the sensible
remark; Il believe more in domestic
than in political economy There is
whole volume of sound sense in this
pregnant little sentence. The science
Of domestic economy is less understood
among US than, perhaps, in any other
country in the world. Nowhere is it
better understood than in France. The
United States is the paradise of butch
ers, and of all other classes who deal
in the staple articles of necessity or Of
luxury. Even in the humblest homes
there is vast margin of waste and ex-
travagance. Miss Juliet Corson has
shown how good dinner for three or
four persons, and embracing several
courses, can be provided for less than a
dollar; but in how many houses are
her excellent recipes followed? It is
not an exaggeration to say that two OF
three hundred thousand persons could
be comfortably supported on what is
thrown away every day in the week in
New York. The politicians will take
care of political economy, SO far al
least as drawing their salaries and saw
ing the Republic are concerned. It is
the domestic branch of the science
which reeds more general cultivation
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31

In the course of an address on the
fish supply before an audience of Irish
fishermen at Billingsgate Market the
other day, Mr.. Blake, NJ. p, related
that several years ago the supply of
Holsters at Dunmore, in the county Of
Waterford, having begun to fall of, it
was suggested that the breed might be
improved by importatious from North
ern Europe. Scandinavian Holsters
were accordingly introduced in the
Dunmore waters, but the Irish Holsters
resented their advent so furiously that
the dismembered corpses Of the new ar
rivals were strewn on every shore in the
neighborhood of Dunmore. At this
point in Mr.. Blakc's discourse an an-
cient Irish fisherman from Connemara,
who had been listening with eager at
:ention, exclaimed: ..Begorra! after
that Oil have y vineration for the lob.
,tar Oipiver had before
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
Teaching Him a Lesson

"Yacob, dells you more as hum
dert dimes alreaty yit dot you moost
NIGHT sprech pack on me in Scherman
dalk."
''Fader, forgit sometimes.
s'You mOost NIGHT dot sometimes for.
dot. You moost like your fader him
done when him vas boy.'
''And what was that, fader?'
II moost English sprechen all der
dimes When don'd vas so pig as q
leedle toy yit. Und you see dot vas
Why got me dot language to fine
pind down.
".Fader, do you want me to learn you
or you learn me?''
eur Why you dose way dalk? You
make me aschamed fon meinselef fon
YOU"
II can speak English better than you
can now, fader."
"Gott i'm Himmell! You consuld
your fader dot way! Ven I vas half not
so pig like you sprechen me dot Eng
lish dalk so weller as schulz deacher.
You got you doc schmard! You drinks
you more as your fader knows? I
schook dot schmard fon you oud! !
learn you vone lesson-you moost NIGHT
more schmarder peen as your fader.
Dem pad company vas What der mad
der vas NIT dem pad poys like you.
When l vas a poy yit l knowd four
dimes more as mein fader, aber I don'd
told him dot. vas doc schmard for
dot. don'd vas SO dumb like you!
OUT mein fader him dold dot him
hang me by mein coat-collar oop NIT
his left handt und whip mein pehindt
NIT a cow-skin hide shoost like dis"
But he didn't show Yacob how it was
DONE Yacob was too smart for that.
He knew four times more than his
father. That's why he odged out and
off down the street at the fastest small
boy rate.-Kentucky State Journal.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
WHOLE NUMBER 400
A "Stand OFF,


A certain English publication eets
into fearful stew over what it charac.
terizes the "disagreeableness'' of Amer.
lean tourists. Said publication aver
that the average American traveller is,
all in all, a most offensive compound;
that he dresses badly, talks loud and
coarsely, and impresses his very ill.
breeding upon every one with whom he
has to do. After q long consideration
of him, the English paper comes to the
conclusion that he is fresh and obiec
tionable in every way. We have prob
ably sent our quota of imbeciles across
the water. Every year lot of litter
ates who have struck ile'' or hit DO
nanza in pork-packing. go over the
dark blue sea, discriminating every,
body with their loud and ill-worn cloth.
ing, their affected refinement and theiI
natural and apparent coarseness. Al
some time in their ''towers." q good
many of this gang probably strike
England, and disgust everybody there
as they do here. We acknowledge and
confess our manifold would be but way
off aristocrats, and we do it frankly.
But isn't there another side? How
about the singular beings with outland-
| ish boards, inconceivable trousers and
abnormal belted frocks who pour in on
us by scores from England every yearf
| What has our trans-oceanic contempt
rary to say about the multitudinous
and extensive checks upon the apparel
of the bold British tourist-checks al.
most loud enough to be audible? Then
the monstrous single eye-glass, the prev
alence of the first personal pronoun
in conversation, the reference in the
latter to ''Hingland" at almost every
word, the frequent and uncomplimen.
tary comments upon this country, in
variably made in the presence of some
of its people-all these must be ex.
planned. There is no gain, saying the
assertion that we have our percentage
of travelling idiots, but-well. England
keeps up with the procession. VIII
transport Breakfast Table.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
Such Music as Indians Make.

At the camp after the parade at San
ia Fe, N. NJ, the Apaches put aside
much Of their finery and gathered in
groups for games and songs. Their
singing always attracts crowd TO the
tents. The fashion is to sit in circle,
the leaders in a row, provided with
tomtoms or other sounding instruments
and the rest of the party with twigs, il
procurable, or sticks or anything with
which they can beat time on the palm
gades from their own tribes and known
as Comanche John and Domingo,
handsome fellows with hawk eyes and
perfect teeth are the best singers in the
band. John has provided himself with
a large dishpan. His knees are spread
far apart to hold it. A half dozen 9TH
ers have tins of various sizes the small
est being a dipper. Buckskin has been
stretched into drum covers for joints Of
stove pipes and for kettles. Bows tight
ly strung rest upright between the legs
of three or four others and one genius
has fashioned rude instrument with
strings resembling banjo. Every per-
former has stick about double the
lCuSLu tiuu CulCkucSS VI 1c3U peuCll.
John or Domingo sets the movement,
and when all the little tins and tomtoms
have caught the rhythm, which is q fast
regular beating and the bow strings are
drumming and the palm switches fall
ing in time with it, whoever may be in
the lead starts song. A compass of
five notes is rarely exceeded except to
strike an occasional octave and there is
invariably minor refrain. The entire
band keep at this for hours with only
occasional momentary resting spells.
As the song goes on members Of the
circle rise, three or four at time, and
bob up and down with deacon like faces.
The bobbing is said to call muscles into
play that would soon exhaust persons
not accustomed to it, but it locks like q
tame and lazy performance. The sig.
nal for the end of it is given by an old
fellow with striped reed, on which he
| pipes asuccession of nerve-trying notes.
Cor. Buffalo Courier.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
How We Tried To Lick The Teacher
TOLD AT THE OLD SETTLERS MEETING.

I wuz boy O seventeen, ungainly. dull and
Ez green ez any gozlin, but thought knew
it all.
Invent to school at Piano. chopped up wood
Fur Zephaniah wilkinson to pay him fur my
board.
One day ay Philetus Phinney, another boy in
About ez rough an raw ez I-about ez big
fool
Just limited in a private way, twould bea right
An give us lots O glory, if we'd up an lick
The teacher.
He wouldn't ask no better fun than jist to
We'd nev long vacation an whopper Of a
time.
I knew that we could bounce him if we didn't
half but try,
Fer eny one on lookin' at him would a said on
Their wasn't eny sand in him, an not speck O.
fight.
His hands, they want accustomed much to
hangin' on to pIows, ~
TO holm corn, to cradlin' wheat, or milkin'
twenty COWS.
Phi.etns said he'd use him fer mop to mop
II floor,
An when he legged an hollered that we'd hist
him out the door.
We told the boys at recess of the plot tibet we
he'd planned;
They sed if we couldn't down him they'd lend
helpin' han.
To think we thought snip like that could lick
a chap like he;
# Id KICK the bucket over, he'd make the
He'd flop him in the water and mop it with his
pants.
We heard "a; the school bell ringin' we scrambled
fell
struck upon piece of wood an badly raked
The water sweshed upon me an wet me to the
skin.
from his chair,
He took me by the trousers an he held me in
the air.
Then round an round an round he whirled me
An when seed thousand stars he sudden let
He took me an he shook me till thought that
He swished me with his ruler till my pants were
nearly dry,
While big Phi e:us Phinney, he were just too
He let the teacher thrash me till bellered like
acalf,
An all the other fghtln' boys, with white an
frightened looks,
Sot shaking in ,her very boots an rastlin' with
Their books;
An o how hard they studied-nota Teller spoke
or stirred
They didn't dare to whisper or say single
word.
Where is that lite teacher that guy me SIGH a
scare?
He still! is peaked lookin'-hes settin' over
thar
An though he is nearly seventy and sickly
yet, vow,
I'd hate to hey him git those hands of his upon
me now.
He taught me one great lesson by flogging in
his school;
That a hraggart ard bully are coward an
foo.
From Away Out Wcst."-by Eugene J. Hall.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
The old manse still stands at Concord,

The old manse still stands at Concord,
Mass, as when Hawthorne wrote
thirty years ago. 1t is old, gray and
implanted. Inside it is snug, cozy
and attractive. On one of the
tiny window frames is legend in Haw.
thorne's handwriting, telling how Una
Hawthorne looked out of that window
on Winters day, and seeing the snow
and the trees like snow chandeliers, was
much pleased, though she was only 10
months old at the time. From the old
garnet to the cellar spirits of antiquity
rustic and sigh, and the ghosts of per-
sons and writer seem to start at levity.
The present owners are descendants Of
the original possessors.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
Army Punishments,

In different sections of the army,
various expedients were resorted to for
the purpose of correcting minor offenses.
What particular shape the punishment
should assume depended very much
upon the inventive faculty of the Field
and Staff, or of such officers of the line
as might have charge of the case.
Before taking the field, few citizen
sneak-thieves were discovered providing
about among the tents. These were
promptly drummed out of camp to the
tune of the ''Rogues' March," the whole
regiment shouting in derision as the
miserable fellows took to their heels
when the procession reached the limits
of the camp, where they were told to
be gone, and never show their faces in
camp again on pain of more severe
handling.
If, while we were lying in camp, a
man refused to do his duty, he was
at once taken to the guard-house. which
is the military name for 4.lock-up. "
Once there. at the discretion of the
officers, he was either simply confined
and put on bread and water, or else
ordered to carry log of wood, or a
knapsack filled with stones, ''two hours
on and two off" day and night. until
such time as he was deemed to have
done sufficient penance. In more
extreme cases. a court-martial was held,
and the penalty of forfeiture of all pay
due, with hard labor for thirty days, or
the like, was inflicted.
One day, down in front of Petersburg,
number of us had been making a
friendly call on some acquaintance
over in another regiment. AS we were
returning home, we came across
what we took to be well, and, wishing
drink, we all stopped. The we'll in
question, as was usual there, was moth.
ing but barrel sunk in the ground;
for at some places the ground was SO
full of springs that, in order to get
water, all you had to do was to sink q
box or barrel, and the water would soou
collect Of its own accord. STOPPING
down and looking into the barrel iI
question, Andy discovered man stand
ing in the we'll, engaged in bailing out
the water.
whats he doing down there in tina
hole?" asked some one of our com
pany.
why said the guard, who wa
standing near by, and whom we ha,
taken for the customary guard of tn
spring, '.you see, comrades, our Colone
has his own way Of punishin' the boys
One thing he wont let 'em do-he won
let 'em get intoxicated. If they do
they go into the gopher hole. Jim
there, is in the gopher hole now. Tha
hole has spring at the bottom. AM
the water comes in pretty fast; and j
Jim wants to keep dry, he's got to kee]
dippin' all the time, or else stand in tn
water up to his waist and Jim isn't *
mighty fond o. water, neither.-St
Nicholas
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31
ARun on a Druo Store.

Never was such a rush made for any
Drug Store as is now at the City Drug
Store for Trial Bottle Of DR.. Kings
New Discovery for Consumption.
Coughs and Colds. All persons affect
ed with Asthma, Bronchitis Hoarse.
ness, Severe Coughs or any affection
of the Throat and Lungs, can get $
Bottle of this great remedy by calling
at above Drug Store. Regular size
l 90.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-10-31

The bicyclists are beating the fastest
horses. The Australian who rode 20
miles an hour has been beaten by IN
Englishman. who has ridden 20 miles in
fifty-eight minutes. But the champion
riders name is Howell. who just rolled
over the ground at the rate Of mile in
'-n minutes and forty seconds.