The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1883-03-05
THOSE TERRIBLE SCHEDULES.
And what Happened TO the Man VIII
no Tried 70 Master Them.

And What Happened to the Man who
90 Tried TO Master Them.
Baltimore American.
His name was Bill Jones. He had motto.
ed that Congressman had been dying of
rather fast Of late, but he gave no heed to
the warning. He considered it the duty Of
every intelligent workingman to acquaint
himself with the affairs Of his country, SO
that he might be able to exercise the right
OF the ballot inteIligently. Mr.. Jones be.
gan to study up the tariff question.
There was the wool schedule, the metal
schedule, and the patent medicine sched.
ule. In order to obtain a thorough under.
standing Of the matter he commenced and
read the Congressional reports. The better
to mentally digest the important subject
he read the Senate debates one day and
the next day took the House debates and
chewed them. The toughest part Of each
he bit of and laid by for Sunday. He
pondered daily and meditated nightly, till
finally he was on the metal scedule.
Friends began to notice something wild in
his eye. He began to reason about the
protection OF home industries. He urged
Il in the Daniel Webster Literary Society.
He vowed TO get to the bottom OF the tariff
or burst. He planted his faith on the Con:
gressional reports as on the rockof the
Constitution. ... .4..
Smith asked him one day to lend him a
steel pen.
10 yes" says Jones, "steel blooms.
Shall we have tariff for revenue or tariff
for prohibition OF home industries2 Is it
protection for revenue we want? Isay let
US offer the following amendment and tax
the Ways and Means Committee nine and
five sixteenth cents ad valorem, and pro-
tect the manufacture Of American dia.
monds. Give us horizontal reduction Of
the double duty on hay. Hold an all.
night sessions. Make aiding scale OF the
cotton ties, weigh the proprietary medi.
zines in them, and import all wool silk
velvets according to Schedule No. 8. Elk.
punge the Congressional Record free OF duty.
No, no! am wrong. What We want is to
take the wool out OF the sugar and give the
people steel rails and quinine free, three
times day, I'D yalorem." nrJ
"Jones, you're crazy" said Smith.
"That's 1t, that's it," nodded Jones.
protect American labor by steel blooms.
II it amt good year for them, extend the
time on tobacco In the leaf; pass bonded
spirits through the custom house raw at ten
cents yard. Double the duty on sugar
rails, l tell you. Bring up the internal
revenue by a two.third majority on hog
bristles at the tail.end Of the session."
"Jones, Jones, Jones" groaned Smith.
"Cogged ingots," went on Bill Jones.
His elefolled, his breath came quick and
short, BEADS Of perspiration broke out upon
bis brow, his hair stood on end. Crank
pins" he murmured huskily. BLOOMS
and slabs by whatever process made.
Blocks or blanks, punched or not punched.
Here's hoop.iron and hoop-poles, coming
in under schedule No. 1,swaged steel, class
l6, 40 per cent I'D valorem, valued above
10 cents per pound, 81 cents per pound.
The bloated farmers life blood will be
drained to keep up all the other classes Of
steel herein not otherwise specially pro-
vided for In this. act. The country's gone
to smash. There will never be another
Republican President"
He fell to the ground with an attack Of
paralysis Of the brain. They loosened his
neckcloth and applied the usual restora-
tives-proof spirits released from bond on
payment Of internal revenue taxes. Itwas
no good doctoring him. Reason had fled.
From thar Iss on he was harmless luna.
tic. On account Of the number and re-
spectability OF his relatives, however, Mr..
Jones was not incarcerated In an asylum.
He runs at large wild.eyed, broken man.
He vanders inoffensively about with
coggea ingot in his brain and steel bloom
on his nose. He fancies he is chairman Of
the conference committee for coming to an
agreement about the duty on imports. AT
other times, hours long, he holds muttered
conversations with invisible bonded spir.
its. Now and then momentary CLEAN Of
reason fits across the darkened soul. At
such times he asks gently II congress Is
done with the tariff revision yet.