davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
He was Discharged.

A gentleman was arraigned before
an Arkansas justice on a charge OF
obtaining money under false pre-
tences He had entered a store pre-
tending to be customer, but proved
TO be a thief.
Your name is Jim Lickmore?"
said the justice.
"Yes, sir"
"And YOU are charged with a
crime that merits a long term in the
penitentiary."
"Yes, sir"
"Are you guilty of the crime?:"
IL am"
And you ask for no mercy"
"No, sir"
"You have had a great deal OF
trouble within the last two years.
Eyes, sir, | have"
"You have often wished that you
were dead?"
II have, please your honor"
"You wanted to steal money
enough to take you away from Ar
kansaw?"
"You are right, Judge"
"If a man had stepped up and
shot you just as you entered the
store, you would have said, Thank
you, sir?"
"Yes, sir, / would. But, Judge,
how did you find out SO much about
me?"
"Some time ago." said the Judge,
with a solemn air, Il was divorced
from my wife. Shortly afterward
YOU married her. Theresult is con
elusive. | discharge yea. Here take
this fifty dollar bill. You have suf-
fered enough"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
Didn't Hit Him Hard.

\. Congressman Ochiltree is 4 fruit
full source of the best stories that are
told In and out of Congress. Re-
Gently, when he and the pugilisi
Mace were both staying at the St
Charles Hotel, New Orleans, he p
marked to a friend that the "slug.
ger" did not look to be a very quick
man, and finally bet a basketO OF
wine that he could give him a blow
and escape punishment by instantly
apologizing, before the fighter could
put up his fists.
Accordingly, Ochiltree approach,
ed the champion OF the ring, and
without a word struck him on the
nose with his open hand. But, De-
fore he could open his mouth to ut
ter the apology, the bystanders saw
a vision of a very fiery red head and
moustache, and "A nice new dress
suit presumed to inclose the figure
OF a man. knocked from the end OF
the bar through the folding doors
out on the sidewalk. Ochiltree was
at once picked up and repaired by
his friends. Then they assisted him
into Mace's presence, and he ex-
planned that he had tapped that
worthy's nose merely to carry out 3
wager, and said he was sorry-whiel
was quite evident.
Then that's hall right" quOtn
Mace, turning to the crowd; and In
glad Hi didn't it i'm ard"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
Humble Minded.

"Heml hemp coughed Chas. Graf
ton as he limped out and toed the
mark. II want to know where |
am"
AT the Central Station Court"
Detroit, answered His Honor.
"What for?"
"The charge is drunkenness"
ard who's the Judge?"
IL am"
"Well, / have rights, and l am
bound to MAINTAIN them. Before this
trial goes any further l want to go
home and put on a clean shirt and
get some chewing tobacco. | want
to look halfway decent and feel half
way human"
Cant let yougo."
"Then | won't be triedI
But you will! The law doesn't
care Il copper what sort of a shirt a
prisoner has on, and if you are dying
for something to chew on Bijah al
ways has a chunk of shoe-makers'
wax lying around"
did yous say | was drunk"
That's the charge"
well, | won't be tried on no such
charge. The idea that a man of my
years and dignity would get drunk
and be staggering around the streets
is all nonsense"
"Oficer was this man the worse for
drink"
"He was almost helpless, sir"
II was, eh?" queried the prisoner.
"Now, sir, do you make oath that l
was drunk? 2"
II do"
"How did | act"
"You cried, talked silly, and said
you would like to adopt me for a
son."
Your Honor, / can't stand this; l
appeal this case, and want hat man
arrested for perjury"
Il shall fine yeu ten dollars"
"I1l rot in the bastile before I'll
pay it."
Then you go up for sixty days"
81 never will"
Bijah keeps an empty barrel in
the corridot for just such occasions.
When Mr.. Grafton began prancing
around, and declared that he would
sell his life at the highest market
price, he was picked up and doubled
together in the center and crowded
into the barrel, and six minutes had
not passed away before he was hum
ble-minded as a boy atthe bottem of
a well.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
A Providcnt EngIishmao

An afiable though somewb., !.
sipated American was on his w,r s
other day TO the city of Bos,oa q
had, with that thrifty foretbonn!H II
his nation, secured a lower
and vas meditating upon The
dom Of gathering his BODY bsbs'.
the curtains when he was ace"-.
by an Fngiishman in a tweed S'e
The Englishman was of an
presence and ha6 the air of ps-
had been pastured on mutton cb"
all his life. 'N
"You will excuse me- saidb..
the tweed suit, "but am | rigb,
supposing that you have the Iosa'
BERTH" S
You bet your life," replied Il,
other. We
My sister" said the owner of Il.
tweed suit, "has the upper he'll
which is deuced awkward, YOU ~
The fact is" added the En~glishm.'
with frank urbanity, "it's unnIsa.
ant for ladies TO climb up past a me-.
in a lower berth. Now, might I -.
you, sir, to do me the extreme fav..
OF occupyingtthe upper berth AM
permitting nay sister to take your.5-
The request was scarcely pross,
ed when the American, with the g,i
lantry Of a genuine Yank, haste6si
to assure his English a~cquaintaro,
that nothing could give him nor
pleasure than to be of service 4.
lady.
On the following morning II.
American was astonished to see
pair of tweed legs emerge from
lower berth opposite that which h,
had politely given up, and the ner
moment the adipose upper EXTERN
ties of the Englishman.
SAY" said the American, as 2,
air of grave disgust began to cree
over his astonished physiognonT
didn't you ask me to give up n,
lower berth to your sister,"
Certainly, my dear fellow, repli
ed the gentleman addressed, hon
you slept we'll"
"And you had a lower BERTH"
"Of course"
"And then you got me to give ],
mine to your sister, sir?"
why, my dear fellow" said III
Englishman, in his turn. you d,
not expect I'd give up a lower bert
to my own sister, did you?"-Tora
10 NslDs.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
He Took the Cake.

While the circus was in Austin
the city was flooded with our cous-
ins from the country. So the Spill
kins family was blessed with a was-
on load of them, all of farmer Bee
gums family having moved in. The
Spillkins put on agood deal of style,
so they had a big banquet prepared,
the leading feature of which was a
large cake for desert. 1t was a huge
thing, as big as a large cheese.
"Whar shall lieut. this here cake
asked Begun.
ut don't make any difference
where you cut It," -,
1T don't? Well, then, | reckon !
had better cut it out on the ranch,
and picking it up in his arms, DC
carried it out into his wagon.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
Don't Talk Loudly.

Nothing marks a true lady or
gentleman more surely than a low
voice and a man ear have it as
well a. a woman. A loud voice aris-
es either from extreme carelessness
or low breeding. No one likes to
walk beside a person in the street
who talks in a loud voice. The
same rule applies to girls and boys.
Play is one thing and conversation
another, though the former need not
be boisterous. Children may have
good lungs and use them in cheer
ing at the proper time, but when
they talk a low, distinct voice marks
one who has been accustomed to
good society and possessed of innate
refinement.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

At a recent meeting of the mu-
nicipal council of a certain city one
honorable member proposed, in view
of the fact that there was a consid-
cradle surplus in the treasury, that
an appropriation be made for the
construction Of a bridge.
"Of a bridge?" echoed another
honorable member scornfully; why,
there is no river here"
Never mind that" cried the pro.
poser of the motion; "let us get the
bridge first, and then we can appro-
PIRATE money to get the river"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
HOW WATCHES ARE MADE.

K1OW "A SE1ES AXE MALE.
In a SOLID GOLD WATCH, aside from
the necessary thickness for engraving and
polishing, a large proportion of metal is
needed only to stifien and hold the engrav-
ed portions in place, and supply strength.
The surplus gold is actually needless. In
james Boss Patcn. Gold Watch Gases this
WASTE is saved, and L and
STRENGTH increased by a simple process,
at one-half the cost. A plate of SOLID
GOLD is soldered on each side of n plate
Of hard nickel composition metal, and the
three are then passed. between polished
steel rollers. From this the cases, backs,
centers, bezels, etc, are cut and shaped by
dies and formers. The gold is thick
enough to admit OF all kinds of chasing,
engraving and engine turning.C These
cases have been worn perfectly smooth by
use without removing the gold. This is
lie only case made under this process. Each
cdse Is accompanied nth a raid guarantee
sgned BY tie manufactures ~rarragting It to
spear 20 years. 10000 of these Cases
now carried in the United States and
Canada. Largest and Oldest Factory.
Established 1854. Ask your Jeweler.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
Hard Grind,

A hand-organ man was making
his way up Adams avenue yester-
day, when a boy met him aud ask
ed:
"How many tunes do you play ?"
sixteen shunes, nice, sweet
shunes," replied the man.
MY father is fond of music, but
he is a little deaf" continued the
boy.
20, dat makes no difference
make him hear"
The boy led the way up street to
where a plaster bust of Sir Isaac
Newton had been arranged in a bay
window to look like a living man,
and the Italian spiton his hand and
began on the crank. He ground out
all the tunes in rotation, and then
began at the bottom and ground
back up the scale till he got all the
tunes in the garnet of the box again.
The man in the baywindow didn't
move a hair, and the Italian drew
a long breath and sighed:
"Play more museek-make him a
hear SOON"
He ran out eight tunes, and then
threw some gravel at the window
The bust didn't even work its ears,
and the Italian leaned the organ on
the fence and loudly sang:
ooh! who shall dinks of me some moar
When / am far away"
The seven other tunes were rat,
tied off at a lively pace, while the
man coughed, whistled, kicked or
the fence and encouraged a dos
fight, in order to attract a deaf man.
attention.
Sing louder-play harder" call
ed the boy, from the next corner.
The grinder secured a brace TO
his feet, unbuttoned his vest, ant
the way he roared brought out tn
citizens by the CORE. He kept hi
eyes on the bust and gave no hee(
to the crowd, and the organ box wa.
smoking hot when he left up on tn
grind. Resting the music on thu
ground, he leaped over the fence ant
!. got a square look at his victim. Hi
: quiet grin faded into a look of wo'
and misery and murder, and gettins
his eyes on the boy with the rec
necktie, he ran him four blocks ans
under a carpentershop before a still
small voice whispered that he ha'
better hold on.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

A lady in a neighboring city,
whose husband had remodeled the
front of their residence, while the
ear was badly dilapidated, said the
front of her house was Queen Anne
and the rear Crazy Jane style.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
A Blockade Story.

Late in the fall of 1862, says NJ.
Quad, in his story of blockade run
ming, the British schooner Francis
loaded at Nassau and made for the
coast of Florida. Just as she had
sighted the coast a fishing boat gave
her the information that a Federal
gunboat was cruising in those wa
tiers. The schooner kept on her way
until night fall, and then becalmed.
Presently a curious incident occur
red. The gunboat had been looking
into some of the inlets and had not
seen the schooner. Two hours after
dark she steamed slowly out to with
in a quarter of a mile of the schoon-
er and then shut off steam and ex-
tinguished her lights. Those on
board the schooner could at first
make her out with a night glass, but
presently a fog arose which shut out
the view. The night was still and
the sea perfectly smooth, and those
on the schooner could only wait and
hope that a breeze would spring up
during the night and enable her to
creep away. In a calm one vessel
is a magnet to draw another. They
will slowly drift toward each other
in every case, instead of separating.
In this instance those on the schoon-
er soon discovered that the crafts
were drawing together, bat they
were powerless to prevent it. AT
midnight they could hear the talk
of the men on the gunboat, though
the fog was too thick to see any
thing. At / o'clock the vessels soft
ly rubbed each other, and remained
broadside on, as if lashed together.
The Federals had simply to Chamber
over the rail to capture the schoon-
er, and the chagrin of her crew can
be imagined but not described. In
half an hour after her capture a
breeze sprang up which would have
carried her thirty miles before day
break.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
Hope for Druuk Yards.

Ny husband had drunken habits
he could not overcome until Parker's
Ginger Tonic took away his thirst
for stimulants, restored his energy
of mind and gave him strength to
attend to Observation-Disclosures lady.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

Said a farmer, who was given to
long drinks, to a brother agricultur-
list:
"What breed of cattle would you
advise me to adopt ?"
short HORNS" was the significant
reply.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

"You dog of a printer" cried the
enraged poet, you have not punct-
uated my poem at all"
YES, but you see. sir, I'm not a
pointer-I'm a SETTER" replied the
printer.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

That poor b~edridden, invilid wife,
sister, mother, or daughter can be
made the picture of health by few
bottles of Hop Bitters. Will you
let them suffer? when so easily
curedt
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

For dressing the hair, and beau
tifying it when gray, nothing is so
satisfactory as Parker's Hair Bal
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

WIN u . luPIUFe tHtII VpP1rtunItIts remaln IN
poverty. We offer a great chance to make mon
ey. We want many men, women, boys and girls
to work for us right in their own localities. ANY
one can do the work properly from the nrst ST..
The business will pay more than ten times ord'
nary wages. Expensive outfit furnished free. i
one who engages tails to make money rapldiy
You can devote your whole time to the work. or
only your spare moments. Full nformatio ana
all that Is needed sent free. Address SrINsoS 4
Co. Portland, Maine. dec2o-ry
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

Because all legal adj
vertising appears in its
columns, and people are
thus kept posted as to
what t~ranspires in the
management of the af-
fairs of the Courts and
County.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

A naked lie will die sooner ana
harder by being let alone than by
formal refutation.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
An Old Mans Belief.

Have used Parker's Ginger TOMS
for my bad cough and hemorrhass
| had twenty-five years. feel IKE
another man since | used ii. Ah
sc years past. Believe it sure -
cure younger persons. A. ornei'
Highspire, Pa
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

1t is stated that nine-tenths of the
apples exported are Baldwins.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

The old saying that a lie wen
stuck to is as good as the truth, Is nO'
a wise or a true saying.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
WESTWARD.

Mountain Express leaves Pittsburgh (Satur
days only at p. H.. leaves Connellsville. 43O
Confluence, 52j; Ursina, $50; Brooks Siding
$50; Pinkertou, ai2; Casselm N. $50; Rock
wood, 6:06: Pine Grove, o:l5; Garrett, o:2i: YO
der, 62s; Salisbury Junction, 6:33; Mcyersdale
o:S9. Leaves lockwood, Sis; Milford, 6:31 ar
rives at Somerset, $50.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

The Mail, north and south, runs daily; the
Local Train daily except Sunday.
On the Pittsburgh Division, B. * o.. Railroad
through passenger trains, east bound. will leave
lockwood at 1850 a. H., and 12:A p. m, arriving
respectively at Washington at 1856 a. m, same
day, and 9:4l next evening, and at Baltimore at
8:+5 a. m, same day, and at HOO next evening.
Westward-boCnd through trainsleave Baltimore
at 800 a. m, and ! p m, and Washington at 1910
n. m, and $40 ?. m, arriving respectively at
lockwood at o.0o a. m, and 300 p. N.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11
MOST EXTENSIVE PURE-RRE Livestock
Establishment, In the World.

CIydesdales, PerchefOn .NOrmaus,
English DRAFT H0rses, IrOia1n -Bf go
Roadsters, shetland Ponies, HOlstefn
and Devon Cattle.
Our customers have the adva ntage of our many
years experience in breeding and importing large
collections, opportunity of comparing different
breeds, loo prices, because of erieHt Of business
and iog rates of transportation. Catalogues free.
Correspondence solitited.
Pow L BROTHERS,,
Springboro, Crawford Co.. Pa.
Mention Herald. lan17.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

Because it is the me-
dunn used by the peo-
pie Of the county when
they wish to let their
n~eighbors know when
they have a farm or
anything else for sale.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1883-04-11

A hand-organ man was making
his way up Adams avenue yester-
day, when a boy met him aud ask
Morning journal and courier., 1883-03-30

posed to suppress those theories? They ob- ject to the belief that men have grown out of monkeys. Would they, then, allow men to hold that the horse and ass have a common genera and species of plants Would they prohibit Mir. Darwin's Investigations into the various breeds of pigeons, or object to his exposition of the way in which & multiplica ton of cats might be unfavorable to the fer tilization of clover? The principle shows itself in the most trifing cases once estab lished there, it spreads by inevitable con ta zion to others the conclusion is obvious to all men, whether tacitly insinuated or openly drawn. To suppress it you must get rid of the primitive germ. When once it has begun to spread, no political nets or traps can catch so subtle an element. It would be as idle to attempt to guard against it as to say that smallpox may rage as it pleases everywhere else, but you will keep it out of Pail Mall by cordon of policemen to stop people with an actual eruption. The philosophy of peo- pie is the central core of thought, which is af fected by every change taking place on the remotest confines of the organism. It is sen sitive to every change in every department of inquiry. Every new principle discovered anywhere has to find it's place in the central truths and unless you are prepared to super intend and therefore to stife thought in gen. eral, you may as well let it alone altogether. Superintendence means stihing. That isnot the less true even if the doctrine suppressed be erroneous. Assuming that Darwinianism is wrong, or as far as you please from being absolutely true, yet it's spread proves con clusively that it represents necessary stage of progress. We may have to pass beyond it j; but in any case we have to pass through it. It represents that attitude of mind and method of combining observations which is required under existing conditions. It may enable us to rise to point from which we shall see it's inadequacy. But even it's antag onlsts admit the necessity of working pro- visionally, at least, from this assumption, and seeing what can be made of it and would ad- init, therefore that forcible suppression, if so wild hypothesis can be entertained, would be equivalent to the suppression, not of this or that theory, but of thought
Morning journal and courier., 1883-03-30
PUBLIC.

The private secretary is the per son who makes everything public. Orleans Picayune.
 The motto for the stampipg-clerk at the postofice-Wherever you see head hit it. Boston Transcript
 Plumber-You are mistaken in the date. The crown jewels of France will not be sold until next month. hiladelphia News.
 "You are setting us 8 bad example, <" as the algebra class said when the teacher wrote a hard equation on the board.-Burlington Free Press.
 ssIn the old days" ,"says Mir. Whittier, ''the people sent their wisest men to make the public laws.'' Nowadays the wisest men are employed to help people to get around the laws.-Boston Transcript.
 The meanest man was discovered last week. He keeps sample room up town, and puts nothing on the free lunch counter but meat on Fridays. as well as during all fast days in Lent.-Puck.
 A Philadelphia man called on David Davis and his bride recently and directed the ser- want to explain that gentleman wished to see the independent party. Mrs. David Da, wis came down.-Philadelph News.
 Gen. Wolfe overhearing young officer say in very familiar manner, "Wolfe and drank a bottle of wine together, replied, "I think you might say Gen. Wolfe.'' ''No," replied the subaItern, with happy presenc of mind; ttdid you ever hear of Gen. Ach- files or Gen. Caesar ?''
 A Boston honeymoon: They were Bos- ton couple, who had been married but few weeks and had just gone to housekeeping. As the husband stood at the area door one morning, with the market basket in his hand, his bride threw her arms around him and said: s'Do you indeed love me so very much Bradford ?'' Bunker Hill Monument may fall, he answered with enthusiasm, ''but my love will always stand" ''Well, then," she exclaimed, kissing him, s'don't forget the beans. Brooklyn Eagle.
Morning journal and courier., 1883-03-30
Suppose We Stopped Thought.

Stop all thought, and of course you can annihilate the particular doctrine which it generates. But the price to pay is a heavy one, and clearly not to be measured by tue particular sets of consequences which result from the specified dogma. The same princi- pie is everywhere operative. The greatest shock lately received by the conservative the ologians has been due to the spread of Dar- winian theories. How, granting that rulers of prosecuting power, would they have pro-
Morning journal and courier., 1883-03-30

Ex-Judge Longworth, of Ohio, who recent ly resigned his seat on the Supreme bench of that State for the odd reason that he did not want the office any longer, is spoken of as a probable candidate for Governor. He is very popular, and his father is one of the veal thiest men in Cincinnati It will be interest ing to see how the talk about making him Governor strikes him, for when he left the bench he did not appear to care for any more offices.
 California is said to be in 8 very depressed condition, but the banks do not show it. Only one bank in California went down dur ing the last year. Eight new banks began operations. The resources of the banks and the increase was quite evenly distributed between city and country-gained nine mil lions and half. Seventeen of the 82 banks are savings institutions, and the whole cap- ital represented in these State organizations is nearly 26 millions. Adding the capital of national banks, which the last report of the comptroller gives as rather more than three and quarter millions, good showing is made.