Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1883-07-29
Ne PLAYS a Great Magnifying Game
on the Old Man.
How the Boy Has Made Temperance Man
Out OF His BlOated father-A
Scheme That PANIED
mt


ashamed as to have a father that IS In
the habit Of hosting in too much oen-
zine. A boy feels as though every
body was down on him, aud aon1
wonder that such boys often turn out
bad. What started your pa to drink
ing again.
40, ina kinks it was losing money
ON the Chicago races. You see, pa Is
great on pointers. He don't usually
bet unless he has got sure thing, but
when he gets what they call
a POinter,
that is. somebody tells him a certain
horse is sure to win, because the other
horses are to be pulled back, he thinks
. lob has been put up, and II ne thlnSs
be is inside the ring he Will bet. he
SAWS II does not do any hurt to bet, II
YOU win, and he argues that man
who wins lots Of mOuey can dos great
deal OF GOOD with it. But he had TO
walk home from the Chicago races all
the same, and he has been steamlng
ever s,nce. Pa can't stand adversely.
But guess We have got him all right
now. He Is the SCarteSt man you ever
saw" and the boy took can opener
and bpgan TO cut the zine under the
stove, lust 10 see if Il would work as
well on zinc as on tin.
"SIat, YOU haven't been dissecting
him again, have yOu?' said the grocery
man. a. he pulled a stool up beside tue
boy To hear the news. How did you
Il g. Ii
: "WeM, ma tried having the minister
talk To pa, hut pa talked Bible, ABOUT
taking a little VINE for the stOmach's
sake, and gave Illustrations about
Noah Getting Full
so n. q minister couldn't brace him up,
and then ma had some of the sisters
CONF ami talk 10 him, but he broke
then, ali up by talking about what an
appetite they had for champagne punch
when they were out in camp last sum
mel. and they couldn't have any effect
ON him, and 80 ma said she guessed L
wou.d nave To exercise my ingenuity
ON pa again. Ma has an idea that L
hay, guI~Ume StuSe yet, so told her
that 10 she would do JUST as | said, me
and my chum would scare pa so he
would swear of. She said she would,
and We went To work. First took pas
speciacles down To an optician, SIcur-
day night, and had the glasses taken
out and pair put in their place that
would magnify, and took them home
and put them in pas spectacle case.
Then got "A suit of clothes from my
chuns unele's trunk, about half the
size al pas clothes. My chum's uncle
is a very small man, and pa IS cOrpu-
lent. got plug hat three sizes small
Ter tnun pas hat, and took the name
out Of pas hat aud put it in the small
hat. | got a shirt about half big enough
for ia, aud put his initials on the thing
under the bosom, and got a number
fourl, ZEN collar. Ia wears seventeen.
Pa Lad promised To brace up and go to
church sunday morning, and ma put
thes,. small clothes, where pa could put
then. on. told ma,
when Pa Woke up
TO tell him he looked awfully blOated,
and excite hls cuTlOusity, and then send
for me-
"Nru didn't play such q trick as that
on a o,.ur old man, did yOu?" said the
groc, ~ man, a. "a smile came over his
face.
"Nou bet. Desperate diseases require
desperate remedies. Well, ma told pa
that he looked awfully blOated, and that
his d >Sipation was killing him, Is well
IS all the rest Of the family. Pa said he
guessed he wasn't blOated very much,
but he got up and put on his spectacleS
and looked at himself in the glass.
You'd "a dIde to see him look at himself.
His face looked as big as two faces,
through the glasses, and his nose was
u sight. Pa looked scared, and then he
held up his hand and looked at that.
His hand looked ike ham. Just then
j cane i'm, and l turned pale, with
some chalk on my face, and 1 begun to
cry, uud said, -, pa, what allS you?
You areso swelled up hardly knew
YOU Pa looked sick to his stomach,
and then he tried to get on the pants.
., NY IL was all l could do to keep
from laughing to see him pull them
pants ON. lie could just get get his legs
IL, and when | got u shoe horn and
gave II To him, he was mad. He said It
was a mean boy that would give his pa
b shoe / orr to
Put on Pants
with. The pants wouldn't come around
pa into ten inches, and pa said he must
have tat something that disagreed with
him, and he laid it to the watermelon.
Ma stuffed her handkerchief in her
mouth To keep from lafilng, when she
see pa look at hiSSelf. The legs Of the
pants were so tight pa couldn't hardly
breathe, and he turned pale, and said,
'HenEery, your pa il mighty sick
man. and then ma and lie both laugh
ed, and he said We wanted him to die
sOwe could spend his life insurance in
riOtOus living. But when pa put on
that condensed shirt, ma she laid down
on the lounge and fairly yelled, and
laughed till my side ached. Pa got il
over his head, and got his hands i'm the
sleeves, AMI couldn't get it either way,
and he couldn't see Us laugh, but he
could hear Us, and said, lbs darned
funny, amt it, to have a parent swelled
up this way. iii bust YOU will both
be sorry Well, ma took hold of one
side of the shirt, and took holf Ofthe
other, and We pulled 1t on, and when
pas head came up through the collar,
his face was fairly blue. Ma told MIN
she was afraid he would have a stroke
ofapOpleXy before he got his clothes
on, and guess pa thought so too. He
tried TO get the collar on, but is wouldn't
go half way around his neck, aud ne
looked so. He sat down in a chair and
painted, he was 50 out of breath, and the
shirt and pants rlpped,an pa said there
was no use living If he was going to be
q rival to
fat woman In n Side-Show,
Just then / put the plug hat on pas
head, and il was so small it was going
TO roll oil, when pa tried to fit il on his
head and then he took it OIL and looked
inside of it, to see if it was in his nat,
and when he found his name in it, he
said, Take it away. NV head ia ali
wrong too Then he told me to 90 for
the doctor mighty quick. got the
doctor and told him what we were trv-