Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1883-05-21
DEPARTMENT. OF MOMUS,
siocum's Initiation as a Free-Mason-A
Budget OF Choice Humor and Witty Sc
IectIons.

Jackson SLocnDp Joins the MasOns.
have Joined the Masons, that free and
unsupported fraternity, who helped King
Solomon build his beautiful temple with
out making any noise, and which has kept
on existing from that time to this because
of the unseemly jealousy of three strikers,
who ambuscaded Hiram, a master-work-
man thereon, and because the brotherhood
never told their wives thing about their
doings except that they had been attending
"a session of the LODGE" working a new
degree" or Sitting up with sick brother"
which every Mason's wife believes when
the paterfamilias' breath gives nothing
away but the aroma of Havana cigars
and the Durham breed of tobacco.
am now free and acceptable portion
of this ancient and mysterious order, or
whatever it is, and they call me Brother
Slocum, as though they were my relations
by blood, and what I don't know about
signs by daylight, am able to detect in
the darkest dark.
have run boy circus in a dry goods
box; gone through the iron boiler of the
Sons of Malta and had steel spikes clinched
and turned under Oh the top of my skull,
and could make any mule wink and flop
his ears in either hemisphere; have swal-
lowed the whole Greek alphabet and Latin
lexicon in after twilight college seances,
and bear the scars of the bill of fare of al
most every secret organization, dead or
living, but this Masonic arrangement of
the ancient fathers, instituted before the
shepherd David lyred King Saul out of
his sulks, and which besides bone tooth
pick, fue-tooth comb and a corkscrew,
has carried plumb, level, square and
compass in it's pocket ever since, distances
and defes them all.
From the time 1 stole my first water
melon to the time 1 came into the full ze-
NTH of knowledge concerning these queer
men, a Mason was a wonder to me, and
time and again L had pumped and ST.
phoned various persons to obtain some
idea of the institution and its machinery,
but had been Hoored by the mystic word
''mum," and found every avenue of re-
search as close shut as a Long Island clam
when the tide was out.
In a fit of desperation l petitioned the
SYNDICATE" for a pass over their lines, and
though had the proper vouchers, it took
them a full year to settle whether was
properly qualified in the human herd book
to be entered for first heat of the socie-
| tvs thoroughbred colts.
When all hope had deceased L unexpect-
eddy received summons to present my
self at convocation of grand encamp-
ment on Mount Borax, whose summit I
tremblingly attained after climbing five
pair of stairs and taking a relay over a
forty-foot ladder.
Judge of my surprise when found my
self surrounded by lots of my acquaint-
ances, none of whom, however, 1 could
remember of having victimlzed
by raising check, owing a
borrowed pistareen for cigars, shooting
his dog or hens, drafting for supplies on
his wood pile, forgetting to ante up that
little bill, or even saying that his wife
better be at home patching the trousers of
his juvenile posterity instead of selling
sour Strawberries and unripe cream at a
festival, or raising subscription III oney for
the amelioration of the Patagonian hot
tentots.
They conducted me as they said to their
"auntie' s-room," where five or six sober
faced chaps clad in Merrimac sheeting
restaurant aprons, stood in military line
awaiting my arrival.
When 1 went in they all faced each other
and yelled marrow bones,' and then turn
ed back summersaults. Then a plump
fat fellow, who sat in the corner and SEEM
ed to be the chief. cook, arose and ap-
preaching me said in a half breed voice
between thunder-clap and locomotive
whistler
"Nazarine, from the wild wilderness of
common life what would'st thou here?"
Bring me a sirloin steak rare done and
cup of coffee right away, and in about
six months piece of apple pie, and in
about We ar from now bowl of bovine
water" said 1.
"Sinner from the outer world" cried he
while his eye shot forth livid earthquakes,
''you are no longer in Third street pie
mill-advancer'
| l advanced.
''Will you give up everything and glue
yourself to this order?"
l said: "Not if the court knows itself ;
there is large and interesting family, my
dog Rover, two barrels of CT"
A brother interrupted and told me this
was but mere matter of form.
The fellows in the aprons all groaned,
and said $50 mote it be; it is well; -selah."
''Do you swear never to reveal anything
you see or hear this night, and never let
your wife get hold of your thumb and tell
it to her in your dreams?"
"You can hang me out on clothes-pin
to dry, if do" says I.
Then they punched me in the ribs, ex-
amined my teeth, made me roll out my
tongue, and then they all groaned again.
Said eff you don't feel well, I've got a
small bottle here, which I will take out of
bond and which is forty-fve rods proof,
and"
The fat man took this bottle away from
me and was told to remain silent.
AS 1 was thinking that if ever lived to
again crawl into the shelter of my humble
home, that would never more come down
town after supper, and never fight Mrs.
Slocum again about having a night key,
the chief cook exclaimed in tones resem-
bling the dragging of keg of nails across
the head of bass drum:
Remove all the habiliments from his
outer-wall, and harness him up in the gar
ments of Jubillum."