Connecticut western news., 1883-05-30
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
 OVER THIS WEEK.
Western Picnic-The Presidents Joke The Revenge of a Georgia Manic Tell
 a Rich Man, Etc.. Etc.

COULD AFFORD IT.
 r "Boss, does yer wanter buy ham?" asked negro of white man.
 "What is it worth ?"
 "Wall, as it's yerse'f, yer may take it fur fifty cents."
 "That won't do You can afford to sell it for less, for believe you stole it, anyhow"
 "Boss, doan' 'cuse me so rash. Have little mussy bout yer pusson. But, I tell yer, boss, if yer won't say nothing bout it, I'll let yer hab it fur forty cents."
 The white man agreed, and paid over the amount. The negro, just as he crossed the street, was accosted by an acquaintance, who said:
 "What did yer let dat man hab dat ham so cheap fur?'
 "Oh could ford it, case stole it outen his own smoke-house. ."-Arkan- saaU IraUeler. S SHE BOUGHT IT. Merchant" The article is first class. madam and at $1.5O yard is very cheap. If we hadn't got four months time on tiff we hadn't bought it on credit-we couldn't sell it to you at that price. If we had paid cash, it would have cost you $2 yard, madam" Mrs. Brown" Yes, I know it must be cheaper to buy on time. My hus- band always tells me to purchase all I can get on credit. think I'll take six teen yards, and you can just charge it to MT. Brown" N | [ A VERY CONSCIENTIOUS MAN.
 "Old Colonel Skinfut am de keerfulest an mos conscienshus man inAustin.
 "What cause have you flor thinking so, Uncle Moses ?' /
 "Well, sah. de ole Colonel hasn't been wuff morn twodol]ars at any one time since de wah, an%yit when he buys a newspaper on de street he allers puts on his specs furfear he thought glib five dollar gol' coin in mistake fur nickle. Yes, sah, he am mos keerful man. ."- zenas>Sytings. \
 >[ THE UNFORTUNATE.
 An individual six feet high and stout out of proportion presents himself at a doctors office.
 "Well, sir, {" says the prince of sciences, -"what can I do for you?" ~
 "Doctor," replies the giant, in voice
 that makes the windows rattle, "I've
 lost my appetite '"
 "God pity the unfortunate who has
 found it, then!' answers the doctor
 solemnly, ''for unless he's @ millionaire
 he'll be a ruined man before the montht
 out.''
 HE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN SUICIDE.
 A young man jumped off from ferr, boat last week with the intention of com mitting suicide. An old man sprane
 into the water and rescued him. Whe1 the old man got the would-be suicide o1
 shore he knocked him down, and as soo1
 as the poor devil got on his feet agail the old man knocked him down once more, and then, catching him by thu back of the neck, shook him until hi - teeth chattered. "Maybe that'l tach' veg not to commit suicide whin Tn around, ye infrnal ejut. Whin I wa 5 young mesilf I had hapes of trouble, an wanst tried to commit suicide, but wa previnted If I'd succeeded then, wha 3 sort av an opinion de yez think woul
 have av mesilf now ?'-Ieras SIft 8 ings.
 WANTS TO KNOW. A 'syoung inquirer" wants to kno' U swhen is man the most truthful !? When he's asleep, boy; when he Il asleep, And don't you trust him to far. even then. His wife doesn't. Oftel Il and often when he has impressed he with the profound conviction that he J so sound asleep that thunder couldn' waken one eye of him she hasn't nor ; than got her hand into the breast pocke | of his coat before he snarls "Out O tha A now" and scares her into thousan fits. Man is 8 very uncertain piece (
 property under any circumstances, an l. he's safest when he's dead. That i Il some men are. Men we don't like.- Il HaaOkeye. J. HOW TO PICK OUT RICH MAN. @ NsThere's a mighty rich man liv' 'l there," said the Assessor, pointing to a 's unpretentious house ill small lot, ''or 's of the richest men in town, l reckon. !" Le "Who is he ?" asked the stranger. 9' "Don't know his name," the Assesst K replied.
 d ssWhat is he worth ?" asked the stral a ger. d CT don't know that either" said ti ts Assessor, "don't know anything abo' le him; he isn't in my district. But le know he's rich. Great Scott you oug le to hear him swear at the Board of Equs oe ization P ill "And that's the way -" queri' ,h the stranger,
 sI know he's rich" said the Assessc at s1've been Assessor nearly tenyears al Tn I know how to pick out the rich me h. They always grumble, about the taxe
 howl at the assessment, and plead pc ,o erty before the Board of Equalization Q, Burlington HaaOkeye. sh SOME SARCASM IN A NUTSHELL. he "Don't tell me that republics are u re grateful" said the big-hearted privs es one day. his eyes swimming in gratei ng tears. 'sLook here, all this, just for
 little thump like that" He had jl ,rs drawn his pension. "Eight dollars res month";" he said proudly, ''for st ed knee."
 his His old commander, General De R