The Russellville Democrat., 1883-01-25
HUMOROUS.

The widows of India having been prevented by the tyrannous English from cremating themselves along with their dead lords, have taken to second marri- ages. They are determined to sacrifice themselves somehow. .-Prairte Farmer.
 Two Philadelphia lawyers got into a street fight the other day. Each swore if he had pistol he'd kill the other. At once dozen were offered to each by spectatos When they found how anxious the populace was to get rid of them, they swore friendship and vowed to live forever, to spite the town.--Phil- adelphia Press
 Mir. Gladstone is an able man. He delivers brilliant speeches, reads Greek like English and is one of the best schol- ars alive. But at the same time he jumps around and howls like an Hitter ate plumber when, in kicking on tight boot, hole in the toe of his stocking causes that valuable article to shoot way back around his ankle. e.--Puck.
 A friend, visiting in minister s family where the parents were very strict in regard to the children's Sab bath department. was coniidentially in formed by one of the little girls that she would like to be a minister. "Whyp" inquired the visitor, rather puzzled to understand what had given the child so sudden an admiration for that calling She was quickly enlightened by the prompt reply: "So l could holler on Sunday"
 Some scientist in London has been translating the songs of our childhood into the language of the learned. The little piping rhyme hegipning Twin kle. twinkle. little star" has been changed into this rhetorical blast from the trombone
 Scintillats, scintillate, globule vivihc;
 Fain would fathom thy nature specific
 Loftiy poised ip ether capacious,
 Strongly resembling gem carbonaceous.
 At party the other evening the subject of faith was mentioned, when one young lady remarked, in the Ian guage of Paul: Nov, faith is tho substance of things hoped for. and the evidence of things not seen" Where upon gentleman inquired; Where is that quotation from?' "Why, it from Shakespeare" jokingly replied the young lady. lis that SOP" said the young man; "why, I thought it was from Byron" His next Christmas present will be copy of the New Testa- ment revised edition.
 A couple of dsrkeys were seated on the steps of a store on Baldwin street, Elmira, where was displayed a large quantity of watermelons, when one said: "Sambo. what would be the Consequences if we should pluck one oi dem melons an retire to de bed ob de ole canal to test de quality ob de core?" "I isn't very well wersed in de law, but you take de melon an walk of wid 1t under your coat-tail, meantime I'll go roun' de corner and study de konse- quences. ."-Maierton (N p Argus.
 A German paper has rather good story about lady who, not feeling as we'll as she liked, went to consult $ physician. "Well.' said the doctor, after looking at her tongue, feeling her pulse, and asking her sundry questions, "I should advise you. yes, should ad. wise you-ahem!-to get married" "Are you single, doctorH inquired the fair patient, with 8 significant yet nod est smile. Il am, mein Fraulein; but it is not etiquette, you know, for physi, clans to take the physic they prescribe. "