The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1883-05-17
THE MOUNTAIN How1TzER.

One winters evening" / found myself in n
small Kentucky village, down near the border
line of Tennessee. Ii was an awful cold night,
and half of the male population of the town
was gathered around a roaring fire in the only
tavern, drinking dynamite whiskey and telling
tales. Among the party was Wyoming jour
naist, and he recognized me.
Say, Mark, said he. ''d'you know Tarheel
and Bradfordg
replied that did. and that they both owed
me -.
'.You'll never get it," went on the truthful
Wyoming man, "but I'll tell you good joke on
them that is worth five dollars literary pro-
duction.
lyon see, one time Tarheel and Bradford
tramped into Laramie with the remnants of a
printing office loaded in an old covered wagon,
with the hungriest and most forlorn looking
mnle a-drawin' the outfit ever you see.
They were goin' to the Black Hills to start
paper. The boys tried 10 prevent the process
sion, because we knew that Injuns were along
the road, and they would he pretty sure to
make pi of the printing office, and carry off the
frowsy sealps of them two fools. But they was
bound to so, and 90 they did.
THE boys gin them some pine Ticker for 4
nerve, and Tarheel bonght a big carving knife
and horse pistol
Just ~ they got ontsde, they met an emf
grant train, and Bradford insisted on trading
off half of the Ticker fur an old brass mountain
howitzer and some powder that a man in the
they could lick whole tribe of Injuns.
That night, they camped in a little hollow,
Jest of the road, feeling brave as .Iulins
Caesar. About nine o'clock. their old mule gave
a bray that sounded like the wall of lost soul,
and the two journalists sprang to their feet and
stood trembling by the wagon
.'.Iniuns, sure you're born whispered Tar
heel.
.'.H u-s-hr said Bradford: gimme that gun :
and he pulled the howitZcr out of the wagon,
! t,afi 1,i.r alta -
"'We amt got any bullets, said Tarheel.
.'.Never mind, neryously whispered Bradford
get that loaded matter in the galleys.'
"The Iniuns could be heard creeping through
the grass. Them two eoons were purity near
scared to death. After much fnssing Tarheel
fonnd some old patent medicine cuts, aud lugged
ont fOur or five galleys of matter, all set up
that was TO form the foundation of the new pa
per
.'.Quickr said Tarheel, there they be. Put
in that cut of Lydia Pinkham and Thousand
nonpareil of my pnetry-that'll kill EN- p. d. q.
bradford rammed these home with a shoot
ing-stick and mallet, and they steered the muz
gle into the bushes and fired. Shouts of agony,
terrific war-whoopS and many means followed
the first shot.
".Didn't tell you" howled the delighted
TaTheel, rs Bradford put in more powder. III
/ was my poetry that done it. Here, hurry, put
in this column of loaded BREWER on the political
question. Ram in your criticism on Margaret
MathcT"
.'Thats no good said Bradford: gimme
that essay about spots on the sun, and more oi
/ your poetry: put in that cut of TUFTS pills.
Bang, Awful destruction of Indians.
/ ...Whoopr yelled Bradford. TUFTS pills did
/ it-they once broke my own head. Did you see
/ that spots on the sun knock the spots out OF
that big chief. Wah, wah. wah nothing Liz,
1 your poetry TO pillow through them Hurry,
| now: ram in that blast about Gebhardt; put
in your funny article on onions and tripe
| Where is that snub for Bill Nye! that will kill
! 'em all
'.The howitzer plugged up to the muzzle,
! and as the Iniuns gave charge the old thi NJ
( beloved ont a shorter that was heard at the
/ town hall in Laramie, and all the boys went NJ
/ to see what the row about.
''When they reached the camp, they found
/ Tarheel and Bradford going about among the
/ fallen slain with torches, talking to themselves.
They are all dead, 1t was my poetry that
1 killed EN-
I .'You lee blowcdr said Bradford. 1T wa.
/ Tutt's pills and Lydia Pinkham. See that track
/ of fallen braves where my spots on the SUI
plOwed through
''Ou counting the slain, two hundred and six
{ " were found. and Bradford and Tarheel col
i lecfed all their arms and belongings, Loader
/ them into the wagon lritched up the old mule
] and drove in triumph to Laramie, where they
/ sold ont and went spree that lasted six
weeks during which time Bill Nye announced
| in the Boomerang that he was sick abed with
/ brain frvcr."-MIrk Train.