Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1883-04-20
A MYSTERIOUS VISIT.

partmcnt ] said | had never heart
rf has brancl Of business brfGi :, hu
| Was very glad to see him all tn,
same would he sit down, He sa
down. | asked him if he was open
ing his shop III our neighborhond.
He SAID hc WAS.
We talked. AID talked. and talkc,
at least | did And We laughed
and laughed. and laughed at lras
he did. But all tine time | had my
presence of mind about me / ha,
my native shrewdncss turned ON
full head. a. the engineers say.
was determined to find ont all about
his business. in spite Of his ohscrr,
answers and | WAS determined
would have it ont of him without his
suSpcctlng what | was at. | meant
to trap HIM with deep. deep ruse /
said.
Now. you never would guess wha;
L made lecturing this winter and last
spring"
NO don't believe | could to save
me. Say seventeen hundred, may
/ be-
! "Ha, ha. | knew You could IT.
My lecturlnS receipts for last spring
and this winter were fourteen thou
sand seven hundred and iiftv dollars.
What do yOu think of that -
why. it is amazing perfectly
amazing. L will make IA note of it.
And you say even this wasn't all :"
All? Why, bless you, there was
my income from the newspapers for
four months about about well.
what should you say to about eight
Thousand dollars, for instancc?"
Say? Why, should say'I should
like to see myself rolling i'll Just such
another ocean of atliuence. Eight
thousand. I'll make note of it.
Why, man and on top of all this l
am to understand that you had still
more income?"
"Ha, ha. ha. Why, you're only in
the suburbs of it. So to speak. There's
my book-'The Innocents Abroad
price S3 30 to -, according to the
binding. Listen to me. Look me in
the eye. During the last four months
and half, saying nothing of sales
before that. but just simply during
the four months and half ending
March Is. 1870, we've sold ninety five
thousand. Think of it. Average
four dollars copy, say. It's nearly
four hundred thousand dollars, my
son. l get half.'
The suffering Moses. I'll set that
down. Fourteen-seven-iifty eight
two hundred. Total. say well, upon
my word, the grand total is about two
hundred and thirteen or fourteen
thousand dollars. Is that possible"
"Po,sible. If there Is any mistake
its the other way. Two hundred and
fourteen thousand. cash, is my in
come for this year if l know how to
cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to 90.
At the last moment the gentleman
handed Inc large envelope and said
it contained his advertisement.
As soon rs he had gone | opened
his advertisement. l studied it at
tentively for four minutes. | then
called up the cook and said:
Hold me while | faint. Let Maria
turn the batter-cakes."
by and by, when l came to. l sent
down to the rum mill On the corner
and hired an artist by the week to sit
up nights and curse that stranger,
and give me lift occasionally in tie
day time. when | came to Il hard
place.
All, what a miscreant he was. His
advertisement" was nothing in the
world but Il wicked tax return-a
string OF impertlnent questions about
my private affairs occupying the best
part Of four fooiscap pages of fine
print-questions. L may remark. got
ten up with such marvellous ingenuity
that the oldest man in the world
couldn't understand what the most of
them were driving at-questions, too.
that We're calculated to make man
report about four times his actual in
come to keep FROM swearing to a lie.
| looked for loop-hole. but there did
not appear to be any. Inquiry No. l
covered my case, as generously ly and
as amply as an umbrella could cover
an ant hill.
wv hat were your profits in 1869.
from any trade, business or vocation,
wherever carried on2'
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen others OF an equally search
ing nature. tie most modest of which
required information aS to whether |
had committed any burglary or high
WAY robbery, or by any arson OF other
secret source of emolument in NY
statement of income as set opposite
to my inquiry No. /.
It was strange that the stranger had
enabled me to make an ass of myself
1t was very, very plain, and l went
out and hired another artist. by
working on my vanity the stranger
had seduced me into declaring an in
come of S2l4.O01 BY law $1,000 of
this was exempt from income tax
the only relief | could see. and it WAS
only drop in the ocean. At the
legal five per cent. must pay over
to the government the appalling sum
of ten thousand six hundred and fifty
dollars income tax.
am acquainted with very opu-
lent man whose house is palace.
whose table is regal, whose Outlays
are enormous. yet man who has no
income, as | have often noticed. by
the revenue returns; and to him !
went for advice in my distress. He
took my dreadful exhibition of re
ceipts, he put on his glasses. he took
his pen. and presto: I WAS Il paupel,
1t was the neatest thing that ever was.