davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
JOB PREvTEN,G
TOPNOoDY.

When Mr.. Topnoody had settled
down after supper Thursday even.
ing, his wife, after a few prefin-
mary coughs, remarked:
"Mr. Topnoody, have you thought
anything about where we would
spend the summer"
"Yes, my dear / have given the
subject some deliberation.'
Sand have you decided on a
place, dear?"
aYes, love, / have"
'oh, you sweet thing! Where is
it to be?"
@At home, love; the dearest place
on earth, the conservatory Of our
affections in which bloom the fresh
est, tairest flowers Of hope and hap
piness, contentment and satisfied
serenity"
''oh, bosh, Topnoodyr'
"But, my dear, it is true, and I
don't see why you want to go to
nasty crowded hotel in the warm
weather when it is SO much cooler
and more pleasant at home.'
"You think it will be cooler at
home, do your"
81 know it, my dear"
@All right, Topnoody. You just
insist on making me stay at home
this summer after Eve done so
much to make you comfortable.
Just go right on making me your
slave, but let me tell you before
you go any further, that if ] stay
here during the summer, FlF make
it Sc hot for you that you'll pray
four times 9 day for a cooling
breeze, and beg like 3 whipped
school boy for house on the re.
frigerator plan and suit Of
clothes made out Of palm leaf fans
and sun umbrellas. / am usually
mild woman, Topnoody, but even
the worm viii turn when trod
upon.''
Topnoody has concluded to take
his foot off ofthe worm.
ETAe Drummer.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

CRcUAnocAToRY.- Madam, "
said young man to a widow whose
daughter he was courting, q have a
request to make of you"
every well, sir what is it?"
81 want you to give me that
which you never had, never wanted,
wouldn't have if it were offered
you, and yet you can give it to
me-"
Il don't understand you at ali"
replied the mystifed widow.
81 want you to give me wife p
'0ho! You want my daughter,
do yous Well you can have her,
but speak palmer next time"
The Drummer.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

WHY He DIDN'T SUIT.-Chicago
has long been known for her ultra
fashionable ladies and pasteLeyed
dudes. Last week new minister
preached his initiatory sermon in
one Of our most prominent temples.
The wife of wealthy pork packer
attended in state. When she re-
turned home her hog-killing hus.
band asked her how she liked the
sermon. She replied:
"Very well, I guess, but
"But what?" asked the wealthy
parishioner.
':But he didn't exactly suit me-
"Why, pray tell?"
Because his terra Gotta com.
plexion don't match my crushed
strawberry hair"
Silence came DER the little group
like a fog over the blighted memory
of the long, long since.-Cheek.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
Who Ann 1 Anyhow.


a short time ago says the Salt
Lake Tribune, a bright looking Dan.
ish boy stepped into a lawyers
Office, and said.
4 want you to tell me who I am,
laying a S5 bill on the desk at the
same time.
The lawyer, peeping alternately
at the boy and at the SIS bill, shak-
ing his head, replied:
1t seems you are a funny boy?'
Not funny at all. Now you will
find it a very serious matter
well, go ahead and explain it.
About twenty years ago a
wealthy Danish lady, being q
widow, came over to this country,
with her two daughters. There
was a Norwegian and his boy.
The father married both the
widows daughters. One year after,
the Norwegian's boy married the
wealthy widow. The result of that
marriage was another boy, and, if
I am sure, I am that boy. The
Nowegian's boy died. The Dan
ish widow was a widow again but
the old Norwegian married her too.
After that the old lady died and
one year ago the old gentleman
too. after he had made himself the
owner of his third wifes property.
Now, when I claimed that prop
erty my sister said: Stop, you
can't be the heir at all ! You are
our late husbands grand-chnd.
By her marriage with him you
became your mothers grand child,
too, and after she died, we became
your mothers, and you never can
inherit the property before we are
dead. That's what my sister moth.
ers say, but I think that can't be
right and there must be some mis-.
take in polygamy. Now, sir, please
to tell me what I am-who I am.
The lawyer, thrusting his chin
into his neck, answered pathetical
ly: You polyga mistake!
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
ssIF THE COURT KNOWS
HERSELF"
THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN ORIGIN OF
AN OLD AND ODD EXPRESSION.
W. r. II. in the Glebe-D democrat.

You have often heard the ex-
preston, eff this court knows her.
self, and I think she does I'll
tell you whore it originated. In
early times, long before the Cali
fornia excite ment, young boy
from Pike county, Missouri, by the
name of Blackburn, ran away from
his home and went out to the
mountains. He became hunter,
trapper, Indian fighter and guide,
and so grew to manhood, and at
the period where other people be-
come satisfied with their stature and
stop, Blackburn kept on growing
until he lowered six feet four
inches into the air. In addition to
this unusual height, he was very
slim and unapproachably awkward.
His joints were large, so were his
hands and feet, and in his gait he
seemed to initiate the undulatory
movements Of the giraffe. In his
numerous encounters with grizzly
bears and Indians he had been
pretty thoroughly mangled, and
when he made his appearance on
the coast he was minus an eye. The
ball was there, but the sight had
been scratched out by the claws of
a grizzly. His hair on the top of
his head was rather short and un-
even, and it stood straight up. His
method of cutting it was to grab a
handful and saw it off with a butch
er knife. Around the sides and
back Of his Uranium he didn't
bother with it, so it hung in grace
full confusion about his shoulders
and back. He had no book larnin
whatever, but in lieu of that he had
a keen wit and good common sense.
When the gold fever broke out
Blackburn made his way to the
mines, and the miners in q humo-
rous freak elected him alcade,
which corresponds to the Office of
Justice of the peace. The first case
that came before him was an action
brought by the husband of a comely
Mexican woman for damages
against q gambler, who, while on
horseback and intoxicated, had run
over the lady, knocking her down
and producing serious consequences.
The trial took place in the largest
cabin in the vicinity, and the room
was packed with rough-bearded and
red-shirted miners. For a table, a
large dry goods box was placed at
one end of the room, while the
Judge seated himself with dignity
upcn smaller one. The gambler,
who was rich, engaged the best
counsel, and prepared to make a
bitter fight. The judge called the
young woman to testify. She told
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21


There is something about your
daughter" Mr.. Wanghop said re-
flectiyely-athere something about
your daughter" eyes," said old
Mr.. Thistlepod, there is; I had
noticed it myself. 1t comes every
night about eight o'clock, and it
doesn't get away usually till about
eleven o'clock. And some one Of
those evenings | am going to lift it.
all the way from the front parlor to
the side gate and see what there's
in it."-PhiladeEphia Times.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
HOW He DEPosED a CHIEF:

Governor McCook once caused
the deposition of a Ute chief named
+; Colorow, in the following manner:
During his administration, Col,
GROW and a band of Utes came to
post town and camped on the out.
skirts. One day the chief sent
word that he wanted new tent.
McCook despatched an agent to see
what condition Colorow's tent was
in; the report was that he did not
need a new tent and McCook ac-
cordingly refused. In the afternoon,
while the Governor was in his Office.
Colorow came in half drunk, with a
revolver in bis hand, and going over
where McCook was writing, sat
down. The Governor took in the
situation at a glance, but did not
look up.
"McCook liar !" said Colorow.
The Governor went on writing.
! "McCook damn liar !" repeated
the chief. Still McCook continued
writing. aMcCook c. damn
liar y said Colorow, reaching a
climax.
Nevertheless McCook would not
look at him.
By this time Colorow had con.
cluded there was no fight in the
Governor, and allowed the hand
holding the revolver to drop to his
side. The move was a bad one.
In an instant McCook seized his
wrist, knocked the weapon away
from him, and catching the aston
ished savage by the neck, kicked
him down stairs and out into the
street, where a number of Utes
were standing about. With great
tact, McCook pointed to the pros
trate and humiliated form OF Colo
row, and turning to the Utes, said:
"Colorow an old woman. Get a
man for chief"
Then, turning on his heels, he
walked up stairs. The next day
the mortified Utes deposed Colo
row. Colorado Paper.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
miscellaneous.
%
HANGED AND DIDN'T KNOW
1T.
A SIIERIFF'S STORY OF A REMARK
ABLE WESTERN EXECUTION.
From the New York Star.

The dismal rain beat against the
windows Of the court house, and
swept in sheets across the jail yard.
Court was adjourned for the day,
the clerks had gone home and
band of officials gathered in the
grand jury room for a half hour
chat. But the flow Of conversation
was less free and jovial than com
mon. Apparently the depressing
aspect Of things without had effect
ed the spirits Of the county mag
mates. The usually smiling face of
the sheriff wore a sad expression,
and the jolly surrogate gazed
mournfully out upon the cheerless,
muddy street. Upon the benign
visage Of the county judge was a
melancholy look, as if in his official
capacity he had sentenced himself
as q private individual to suffer the
extreme penalty of the law. Tilted
back in a big arm chair, the fore
man of the grand jury thoughtfully
cleaned his finger nails. A long
silence was broken by the sheriff,
who observed, as sudden gust of
wind dashed the rain noisily against
the glass:
'What day for hanging!''
"Wretchedr p replied the surro-
gate carelessly turning the leaves Of
the penal code.
Il wouldn't be hanged on day
like this for any consideration
"a fellow would catch his death
of cold.'' put in the foreman of the
grand jury. "What put the subject
of hanging into your head, sheriff."
30, I was just thinking Of poor
fellow who expiated a murder in
Iowa, ten years ago, on such a day
as this"
"Another of your Western yarns
eh, sheriff. said the surrogate, with
yawn. "Why will man always
draw a long bow when he tells what
happened to him out West?''
"This is gospel truth, rctorted
the sheriff. quickly, "and it's moth
ing that happened to me, or I should
not be here to tell it. Moreover,
Mr.. Surrogate, never exaggerate." :"
"Oh, no." was the sarcastic re-
joinder.
.Never mind him." said the fore
man Of the grand jury, ''go on with
your story
Tne sheriff seated himself on the
green-coyered table and began:
well, as I said, this happened
ten years ago, way out in Iowa. A
fellow killed his brother-in-law and
was sentenced to death. The hang
ing was public, the gallows being
erected on the open prairie a little
distance behind the Jail. was
sworn in as special deputy. Holy
Moses, how it did rain on that day.
The water came down in chunks
with sufficient force to tear um-
brellas into tatters in fifteen min
utes.''
'sSheriff, sheriff." murmured the
county Judge, in a tone OF gentle
reproach.
ooh, it's a fact! The condemned
man was carried to the place of ex-
ecution il an open cart. Another
deputy and l rode with him. A
hanging was too rare treat to be
missed by people out there, no mat
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

How IT WAS MADE-An old
lady in the country had dandy
from the city to dine with her on
certain occasion. For dessert there
happened to be an enormous apple
pie.
LA. ma'amp' said he, show do
you manage to handle such pie?''
EASY enough" was the reply;
"we make the crust up in a wheel
barrow, wheel it under the apple
tree, and then shake the fruit down
into it."
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

A darkey who was stopping to
wash his hands in creek didn't
notice the peculiar action of a goat
just behind him. So when he
scrambled out of the water and was
asked how it happened, he said: Il
dunno, zactly, but it 'peared as il
the shore kinder histed and flung
me-
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
Doetrp.
LOVE IN THREE SECTIONS.

Owe In THREE SECTIONS
SECTION I.
A pretty girl,
A pleasant whirl,
Behind team of grays:
A nice young man
To plot and plan
In various kinds Of ways.
A blush apd squeeze
Are sure 10 please,
Another fond caress,
Some further chaf,
4 smile and laugh,
And then a gentle "Yes."
SECTION II.
A preacher pale,
A bridal veil
Come through the portals wide;
The groom is there,
Complete the pair, ...
And then the knot is tied.
SECTION III.
A year has gone,
Time sweeps along
In its unceasing tramp
Now, see that groom
Charge round the room,
The baby's got the cramp!
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

A copy of the Great Industries of the
uaited States, a large s. book, will be
given Tor two names to the HERALD, if
accompanied by 81. Only two subscri-
bers. -Four dollars in subscriptions,
and FIVE in a book. fl.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
WAITING ON THE COMBINA.
TION.

-cured Halls safe on an advertise
! ment,. is toying with the combina-
ton. Man waiting to collect a
bill.
Eighteen times slow to the right
stop at 324," the editor soliloquizes.
Copy yells the boy who sets
up the paper.
Hastily abandoning the safe, the
editor cuts out half column ar
ticle from an exchange, marks it
editorial hands to the boy and
returns to the combination.
"Lets see," he muses., "stop at
.321. Now, then, to the left Is
times slow past 321 stop at 1644, !"
and then, looking up at the collec-
tor, he paused and inquired, "How
much is that bill Of yourn?'
1.-TWO dollars"
"Can't you come in tomorrow?
I haven't any change about me,
and 1 don't like to ask you to wait
until open my safe.''
"Just as leave wait as not re.
sponded the collector.
Besides" continued the editor,
Il haven't anything less than a
$100 bill in the safe. Break a
hundred dollar note?"
"Yes, two of 'em," was the dis.
heartening response.
GAIL right. Lemme see, 162.
Then to the right past 16a-but
hold up, seems to me half of that
bill was to be taken out in adyer-
tising. How is that?"
"No such thing"
"Sure?'
eyes. I am
"Very well. Then to the right
past 162 fourteen times to the left,
stop at Is. "Look here" to the
collector, "better come in to-mor-
row. This is an accommodation
stops at all the stations, and be-
sides that, it's tagged every few
minutes" he added: as the boy
called him out to see ''that woman
with some more poetry"
Thirty-fve minutes later he reap
pears with an arm load of mixed
poetry.
"You couldn'n wait till / read
this, could you?" he asks, cor, may
be, you'd like to skim through it
yourself?' he added.
But the collector said he felt
fainty like, and would just sit still
and wait until the safe was open
ed.
"Oh, you will, will you? Correct
is, then to the right past Is
thirty-eight times slow, stop at 991
then to left past 991 a hundred and
sixty-eight times, stop at 43; then
to the right past Assay! I'd
ruther you'd come in tomorrow
I'm a little pushed for time now
Can't wait? Then to the right past
43 six hundred and twenty-five
times, stop at Is. This is a long
stretch Of country I'm going over
now," said the editor, as he whirled
the mob, "but when l get to l3 LII
be nearly half through-confound
it, I've passed it Have to begin
all over now. Eighteen times slow
to the right, stop at 32a-"
"Hold on there! Stop right
where you are,' interposed the col
lector; ':rll come in some time next
month"; and he left.
"Its my opinion that no news
paper Office is complete without one
of these combination lock safes,' y
soliloquized the editor, as he deftly
turned the knob twice, opened the
safe and got out his last cigar.
Saturday Night.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

We usually learn to wait only
when we have no longer anything
to wait for.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

There is more folly involved in
suspeeting every one than in trust
ing every one.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

A mule is tame enough in front
but awfully wild behind.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

A little cider now and then is
relished by the best of men.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

The company in which you viii
improve most will be expensive to-
you.
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21
A TRIAL OF The BALTIMORE J0BBER

2dI
the durable press 4tht will do good
made
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

Subscribers to the HERALD are
ed to ask for and receive a copy O.:
,1hdall's Treatise on the Horse. 4
SEery valuable book which we intend to
distribute free. tt,
The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-06-21

T [Mtddletoscn transcript.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1883-08-21
POLICE COURT.
CRIMINAL CALENDAR.

Saturday, Aug. 1S-Drunks; Jim
and Moepili, forfeited Sc bail each ;
Ah YIN, Larceny, remanded to 2lst;
Ah YIN, opium in possession, re-
manded to Aug. 2lst; Kim Fook,
violating Express Regulation 6, fined
$40, and 81 costs; r. Clark, same
charge, same result; Joe, same
charge, same results.
Monday, Aug. 2o-Drunks; Ioa.
ne, Kekohai, and j. Foster, forfeited
Sc bail each; 7. Mason, and Maiola,
affray, remanded to 21st; Ah Nee,
violating Express Reg. "a, fined $40
and $1.10 costs; Ahngee, same
charge, fined $40 and 81 costs;
Ling gong, and Ah Tie, same charge,
same result; G. Tripp, disorderly
conduct sentenced to 10 days impri-
sonment at hard labour, and 81
costs; Kaiau, selling spirituous Ii
quor without license, fined 5000
and So costs; Ahlim, and Ahyou,
having opium in possession, reman-
ded to 22nd.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1883-08-21
NEW GUINEA.
(CONCLUDED.)

Mr.. Macleay was of opinion that
it is only by penetrating the island
from the head OF the gulf or some
point further west that its real
character and conformation can be
ascertained; and he pointed out that
an expedition fitted with steam
launches, and accompanied by
scientific men whose duty it would
be to investigate the mineral
resources of the country, and report
upon the value of Its vegetable pro-
ductions, could be associated with a
surveying party for the complete
survey of the south coast of the
island. This he thought should
precede annexation or settlement; he
wrote, e,-"I am convinced, from what
l have seen of the races inhabiting
New Guinea, that any thing which
would appear like permanent occu-
patton of the country, or any part of
it, would be violently opposed. Both
of the races found in New Guinea
are extremely jealous of their terri
torial rights, and war with either
of them would be serious matter.
The Papuans would make very
formidable and determined enemies.
and the yellow race, thought not
very formidable as fighting men, are
very numerous, and it would pro-
badly be found necessary for the
safety of settlement to drive thou
sands of these poor people away from
their villages and plantations" All
labour required by colonists, he said,
would have to be imported, paid for,
and protected, for assuredly no help
could be obtained from the natives.
"The black race could not be induced
to work, and the light-coloured peo.
pie could only be utilised under q
system of compulsion which would
never be tolerated in country under
British protection"
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1883-08-21

throne canopied with golden hang
ings and eXpensively and exquisitely
fitted up. A small oil lamp is kept
burning day and night so that he
shall not be left in utter darkness
lest there should be weeping and
gnashing of teeth. In front of
Quuu Tai and all around him are
highly polished tin vessels, bamboo
vases, lanterns and other curious
oriental containers which hold the
fragrant joss sticks. Some oblong
pieces of wood used by the worship
pers when praying are placed con-
spicuously on the front table and in
an obscure corner is a small Joss
who waits to be worshipped. Col
den candle sticks, Jumps of liquid
ruby wax and two suspicious looking
bottles complete the furniture of the
room with the exception of the
Celestial texts in their quaint letter.
ings which hang profusely on the
walls.
Cinnamon are allowed to enter
and worship when they please and
one of their great advantages is that
no man &C goes round with the hat. "
1t is a strange feature of Asiatic life
and one well worth seeing by those
who have not studied the habits and
characters of our Chinese brethren
and fellow citizens.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1883-08-21
OUR STREETS.

Hardly anything in Honolulu has
undergone so much improvement
during the past twelvemonths as our
streets and roads. Yet they are not
by any means beyond criticism. Of
what has been done, though it is a
great improvement Oh the former
condition of things, much is still
behind the best work of other coun-
tries. The late rains have shown
that the macadamizlng has been
imperfect as ruts and holes are
worn at irregular intervals and in
places not caused by the wear and
tear of traffic alone. No doubt this
is partly due to the atmospheric
erosion but more is due to the inn
perfect matchmaking.
What we need in this direction is,
first, more careful selection and
uSSOl llllCllu vi llC DiOhCH SlODC. oO
that the layers of it placed on the
roads shall be, as nearly us possible,
each composed of uniformly-sized
stone; secondly we want the streets
more accurately and Systematically
graded and the storm-water channels
made deeper and more capable of
carrying off the great quantity of
water after rain.
When these things are attended to
Systematically and with a set purpose
and our sidewalks made level and of
equal width, the streets of Honolulu
may be compared with those of any
other city in the world of equal size
without any feeling of shame.
1t is because we have seen during
the past twelvemontk such evidence
of attention in these directions that
we make these remarks to encourage
the authorities to proceed in this
useful work.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1883-08-21
THE U. S. s. PENSACOLA.

arrived on Sunday from Callao, 81
days and 16 hours. She carries %
guns, and will remain little over a
week. The following is her list of
officers.
Captain.-Henry Erben.
Chief Engineer.-Gcolge +. Kutz.
Chaplain.-John X. Lewis.
Pay Inspector Parks.
Lieutenant Commander.-Oscar T.
Huierman.
Navigating Lieutenant.-F. Hanford.
Lieutenanls +. ii Delano, Il. B.
Underwood, Alexander Sharp, j. A.
Sncarman.
Ensigns.-Gyorge w. Denfeld, and
Frank II. Heath.
Second Lieutenant.-James A. Tur-
ner.
Past Assistant Engineers.-L. r. Har.
vey, and l.. W. Wooster.
Past Assistant Surgeons.-Senior, L..
B. Baldwin, Junior, George p. Lumsden.
Paymaster,s Clerk.-W. McMurray.
Naval Cadets.-F. III. Conant, Andrew
McAllister, Thomas G. Prince, John j.
Blandin, Albert l.. Key, Philo NJ. Nc
Giffin.
Boatswain.-J. Harding.
Gunner-T p. Venable.
Carpenter.-S. N. Waterhousc.
Sailmaker-A. A. Warren.
The Daily bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Hawaii]) 1882-1895, 1883-08-21

THE AdOeytisey yesterday made some
remarks OH the subject of hacks which
were correct and some more on the hack
policeman which were not correct. He
is said by it to own hacks. He would
feel grateful if they could show him
which ones it is that he has right to, so
that he could get some returns from his
property in them. Further, many of the
places where hackmen congIegate are
legal stands for them. Ii they block up
the road that is the duty of the the regu-
lar police to regulate. 1t is not an
offence against the regulations which he
is charged with the enforcing of.