The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1883-02-02
WHY WE LAUGH.
Senator Ben Wade used to say that rslig
ion without hell was pork without salt.


ion without hell was pork without salt.
Don't despiss . thing because it's littls
A quart jug will hold more than most men
The Denver Republican describes 4 salocr
as "a place where calamity juice is deal out.
Eating onions not only prevents the lip
from chspping, but usually keeps the chap
from Tipping.
Mr.. Beecher said last Sunday that b,
| wholly repudiated hell. 1t 10 not known
whether the compliment will be returned.
A daily chicken trsiu has been started oil
the Pennsylvania railroad. They have ,
passenger Cochin the rear and q locomotiv.
to pullet.
JEFF Davis denies that he eloped with th,
daughter of General Taylor. He did try to
elope with several States Of the Union At one
| time, ,boweyer.-iidrtford Post.
A Florida lemon weighing more than three
pounds is on exhibition In Boston. Every
old maid in the Hub Is after it. There is .
good deal Of squeezing about 1t.
A bald-headed man who had heard thai
tbe hairs on q mans head are numbered
wants TO know II there Is not some place
where he can obtain the back numbers.
Hens scratch up fower-beds only when
they are barefooted. Our agricultural editor
says that is why women run ont and ''sftoe'
the hens to keep them from doing damage,
The Budweiser brewery has gone into
bankruptcy. This will not hurt the sale OF
the beer, however, as large stock of labels
are still on hand ALI over America Carson
appeal.
Governor Buffers message, according to
the statistician of the Boston Advertiser,
contains 20 recommendations, Is insinua
tlons, 5 misrepresentation, 4 revelations and
premise.
That young lady who made 700 words out
OF conservatory" last fall mas run away
make three loaves of bread ont Of "four."--
Detroit Free Press.
"Detrain" is new word in use In England.
When body of soldiers alight from railway
cars they "detra!n." Pretty soon the papers
will TEEN with "dehorsecar," "deomnibus," )"
"dehack," "decanalboat," aud so forth.
A man at hotel fell the. whole length of
a flight Of stairs. Servants rushed to pick
him up. They asked him il he was hurt.
"No," he replied, "not at all. I'm used to
coming down that way. Pm a life insurance
agent. t.'--Boston Post.
A tramp applied to a citizen of Austin for
. nickel to buy loaf of bread. Cant you
go into any business that is more profit able
than this?" aid like to open bank if
could only get the tools" was the candid
reply.--Teras Siftings.
A Western preacher, whose congregation
had begun to fall off somewhat, had IL iati-
mated that he would discuss family scan
dal the following Sunday. As a consequence
the church was crowded. The minister's
subject was Adam and Eve.
A Portland revivalist is by business an
auctioneer. He Is quoted as exclsiming in
the nhdst Of fervid exbortation to sinners :
"Tweniy. nine Fvc got thirty, shall have
'om? Bless the Lord! Twenty are
saved; who shallscome naxt?' Shall / have
thirty?"
"Wbo," exciaims a devoted partisan Of the
huge Senator from Illinois, "who shall step
into the shoes of David Dsvis?" And MIR.
Bob Burdette replies: "The next Senator
may step into Davis's shoes, but by the great
American desert he'd better keep out Of the
old mans trousers II he wants to be found in
time to draw any pay"
Il understand that your father Is dead,
Nike" said an Arkansaw gentleman to an
Irish friend. "Yes, sor, the old gintleman
has left us. A foine man, yer honor. He
could stand up wild the best of thim." 81
haven't seen the old man since he moved
away from here, some three years ago.
Where was lie living when he died 2" He
wasn't livin' anywhere when he doid, sir.
He was dead thin."-ArkdnsdU Trdreier.
An interesting bit of conversation occurred
in a Merrimack stree: restaurant at dinner
time yesterday between pretty fly specimen
Of the genus drummer" and a well-known
resident of Lowell. They were seated at
the same table, and the drummer wanted to
be sociable, so he asked, "How 10 Christmas
trade with you, sir, pretty lively ?" "No'
very" was the response. "I'see very little
change at this time Of year from any other
You see, handle only standard style oi
goods, and dom. get In many novelties
"What is your business, sir, may ask" po
litely inquired the drummer. 81 am IN un
dertaker." A mouthful, of beefsteak herr
stepped IN and quietly choked the sociabilisy
outsof the commercial traveller, who was q
dazzled that he actually forgot to slip ou'
without paying his check.--Lo,oeu Courier