Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1883-02-17
Oar Agents.
HIS PA GOES CALLING.
From Peck's SUM-

HIS PA GOES CALLING.
From Peck's SUM-
"Say, you are getting too alfred
smart" said the grocery man to thu
bad boy as he pushed him into a corner
by the molasses barrel and took
him by the neck and choked him 80 hi
eyes stuck out. "You have driver
away several of my best customers
and now, confound You I am going &c
have your life." and he took up
oheese.knife and began to sharpen il
on his boot.
"What's the-gurgle matter p
asked the choking boy. as tho grocery
mans fingers let up on his throat q
little, SO he could speak. 81 hain'l
done nothin'."
"Didn't you hang up that dead gray
tom-cat by the heels in front OF my
store with the rabbits I had for sale I
! didn't notice it until the minister
called me out in trout of the store, and
pointing to the rabbits asked what
good fat cats were selling for By
crlmus, this thing has got to stop. You
have got to move out of this ward or
I will"
no UUy kOt Ills UE0dtu duu 6dlu IL
wasn't him that put the Cat up there.
he said it was the policeman. and he
and his chum saw him do it. and he
just come in to tell the g%roceryman
about it, and before he could speak he
had his neck nearly pulled of. The
boy began to cry, and the grocery man
told HIM he was only joking, and gave
him . box of sardInes, and they made
up. Then he asked the boy how his
pa put in his New Years, and the
boy sighed and said:
1--WE bad q sad time ut a house
New Years. Pa insisted on making
calls, and ma and me tried to prevent
1t, but he said he vas of age,and CUES
sed he could make calls if he wanted
to, 20 he looked at the morning paper
aud got the names of all the places
where they were gong to receive, and
changed ends with his cuffs, and pui
some arnica on his handkerchief, aud
started out. Ma told him not to drink
anything, and he said he wouldn't but
he did. He was fulfthe third place be
vent to. 0, 50 full. Some men can
get full and not show 1t, but when pa
gets fall, he gets 80 full his back teeth
floats, and the liquor crowds his eyes
ont, aud his mouth gets loose aud
wiggles all over his face, and he
laughs all the time, and the p%erspira-
ton just oze out of him, and his face
gets red, and he walks so wide. Oh,
be disgraced us all. At one place be
wished the girl happy new year more
than twenty times, aud hung his ha,
on her elbow, and tried to put on q
rubber hall-mat for his over shoes. At
another place he walked upon . lady's
train, aad carried away . card-bssket
full of bananas and oranges. Ma
wanted my chum and me 70 follow pa
and bring him home. aud about dark
We found him in the door yard of q
house where they have statues in front
Of the house. aud he grabbed me by
the arm. aud mistook me for another
caller, and insisted on INTRODUCING me
to . marble statue without any clothes
on. he said it was q friend Of his, and
1t val q winter picnic. He hung bis
. on an evergreen, and put bis over
coat on the iron fence, and l was so
mortified 1 almost cried. My chum
said if pa made such q circus of himself
he would sand.bag him. That gave
me an idea, and when We got pa most
home l went and got a paper box
covered with red paper. so It looked
Just like = brick, and a bottle OF toma-
to ketchup. aud when we got pa up OH
the steps at home l hit him with the
paper brick, aud my chum squirted
the ketchup on his head. anu We de
manded his money, and then he yelled
murder, and We lit out, aud ma and
the minister, who was making q call OIL
On her, all the Afternoon, they came to
the door and pulled pa In. He said he
bad been attacked by q band of rob-
bsrs, and they knocked his brains out,
but he whipped them, and then ma saw
the kstchup bra,ns oOzing out of his
head. and she screamed, and the min
lister said: GOOD heavensl he ia muir.
dered," and just then I came sumter
Ing In the back door and they sent me
alter the doctor, and they put pa on
b lounge, and tied up his head with Q
towel to keep his brains in, and pa
began to snore, and when the doctor
came In it took them half an hour to
wake him, aud then he was awful
stck to his stummick, and ma asked
the doctor it he would live, and the
doctor analyzed the ketchup aud
smelled of 1t, and told ma he wuld be
all right if he had a little Worcester
q to put on with the ketchup, and
when no said pa would pull through
ma looked awful sad. Then pa opened
his eyes and saw the minister, and
said hat was n of the robbers that
jumped on him, and he wanted to
whip the minister, but the doctor held
pas arms and ma sat on his legs, and
the minister SAID no had got some 9TH
or calls to make, and he wished ma u
happy New Year In the hall. much as
fifteen minutes. HIS happy New Year
to ma Is most as long as his prayers.
Well. we got pa to bed, and when we
undressed him we found nine napkins
in the bosom Of his vest that he had
picked up at the places where he had
called. he 10 all right this morning,
but he says it is the last time he will
drink coffee when he makes Now
Years calls.
"Well, then, you didn't have much
fun yourself on New Years. That's
too bad" said the grocery man, as he
looked at the sad eyed youth. "But
you look hard. If you were old enough
I should say you had been drunk, YOUR
eyes are so red"
"Didn't have any fun, hey7 Well, 1
wish l had as many dollars as l had fun
lou zee. after pa got to sleep ma
wanted me aud my chum to 20 to the
houses that pa had called at to return
the napkins he had kleptomaniacked,
30 we dressed up and went. The first
house We called at the girls were sort
o'demoralized, l don't know as I ever
saw girls drunk, but those girls acted
queer. The callers had stopped COM
Ing. and the girls were drinking some
thing out of shaving cups that looked
like lather, and they said it was 'aig-
nogg.' They LATED and kicked mp their
heels Wuss nor . circuss and their COL