davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
Been There Before.

CA great structure, my friend, great
structure,' observed a clerical looking
gentleman to a stranger who stood in rapt
contemplation of the bridge. est is a
wonderful evidence Of mans skill and en-
terprisen'
ssNo you don't! !" exclaimed the stranger,
edging away and eying the clerical gentle
man from head to foot with every symp-
tom of distrust. "Iknow your game! In
minute you'll want ME to 60 with you
and get lottery ticket cashed, and before
[ know which side of the street | want to
take to get home, you and your pals will
bunko me out of my last hard earned cent !!
No you don't, I've been there before"
"But, my friend, you mistake me en-
tirely," replied the clergyman mildly, II
am minister of the gospel"'
GA genuine minister?" demanded the
other, looking more ,eassured. Are you
giving it to me straight? No taffy in
this?''
s'I assure you, sir, am a clergyman" !"
said the clerical gentleman, with dignity.
ssYou may believe me, sir. What tell
you is true"
"Put it here! exclaimed abe stranger,
offering his hand. 'sPut it right here! |
thought you might be one of those bunko
steerers, and I was on to you. I'm glad
YOU are minister, for have been on the
lay for one for long time. You steer tie
plant and I'll set up the drinks, and if we
don't work that congregation OF yours out
Of every cent there is in the joint, you may
take me anywhere and just Do me out OF
the last rattle without squeal out of me,
if have to mortgage my farm. Come on,
what do you say?''
It would be interesting to know what
the clerical gentleman wanted to say te
that proposition.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26

Clara Morris told the following story to
the Cincinnati Enquirer: ssWhen / was q
child they gave me, in the Cleveland
Theatre, a speech to make, twenty or
thirty lines, in Antony and Cleopatra
think. | suppose | was Is years old. Said
/: | have no dress to play that great part.
Never mind,' said the chief supernumer-
ary; will give you my sandals to wear.
Take courage, little thing So he brought
me the sandals, big enough for negro
minstrel. filed them with paper, and
my foot in them looked like china slip
per of Sevres, sent home in long box of
shavings least it might sget fractured.
Then bought five yards of white muslin
and a yard Of red something to trim it, and
made me toga. So, when | was called,
| had to fly suddenly from the rear Of the
stage in my great sandals and kneel at the
front. As | came, travelling on my nerves,
the paper stuffing began to fly. | knelt.
and broad grin extended all over the
stage. I saw them shaking with laughter
everywhere. The tragedian, covering his
mouth with his hand and laboring with its
corners, whispered, Don't you cry, my
little brave' Why, said I, what is it?'
I looked back at my sandals as | knelt,
and it S lid on my ankle, in letters an inch
high, The Cleveland Herald"
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
Seven Got Away.

There was an unusual commotion Onthe
streets early this morning owing to the re-
port that there had been all extensive
delivery from the county Jail. The story
grew from Il lumor that two men had
escaped, toa general cmute. Investigation
showed the affair was of Il really serious
nature. Seven culprits escaped, of whom
but one has been captured. Upon first re-
ceiving the information, a Tribune report
er proceeded Immediately to the Jail and
was permitted to enter the inner corridor.
It was there learned that John Corcoran,
the only night j4ilo;, hal, gone from the
outer to the west corridor to quite the cries
of an insane inmate While engaged in
this he was Suddenly pounced upon by
three men COAT 'r,l there, who pounded
and bound him, leaving him helpless.
They then wentt the corridor OF the 9TH
er side Of til, building, and with Il key,
which they had wrested from the j ailor,
released four other mon. All went out the
front door and Rss
GOT WILL AWAY bzs
before any alarm was given. The plan of
the Jail is Il common affair, the two -coEfi
ders both running at right angls 10 e
main one, and the cells being arranged
upon them backsto back, six OIL eactj ror-
ridor. Between there and the main rorri-
dor are heavy iron doors. 1t was lii the
last cell on the west sde that the three
men, Murphy, johnson and Fox, were
confined who committed the assault. Cor
coran, the night jailor, was ina distress
ing condition, his face being bruised until
black and blue and his lips cut and bleed
ing from the attempts the desperadoes had
made to gag him. He managed TO tel !,
somewhat brokenly. the following srory
to areporter: ee
The crazy man who tried to kill linSell
yesterday, was confined in the second cell
on the west side. At about IL o'clock HI
commenced to scream, and Went IN to see
what was the matter, and while | was with
him / was
KNOCKED DOWN FROM BEHIND.
The men in the cell 6 then jumped on m.
with their knees, choked me, and beat me
withaa broom, and tried to gag me. but l
kept my mouth closed They boun me,
however, hand and foot, took away my
keys, released themen from thee other COZ
rdor, and went out with them. They tied
me TO a bar, bit with difficulty n brol q
loose androll4d oyerto the front door aiid
rang the bel.'
'sHow did these men escape from The
cell?'' .ffA fE a A
81 think they must nave sawed throu Il
the staple which hal,ls the bolt, of he
door" N
An investigation showed that this was
prohablythe fact. The one staplesinlo
which the bolt slips il Of heavy half-inch
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
Why Jefferson Davis Wanted
Lieutenant Derby to be Court
MartiaIed.

The invitations sent of late to naval
officers requesting them to furnish sugges-
&tions for a change. of Uniform s'reminds
meas Mr.. lincoln would have said
Of similar invitation issued dy JEFF Davis
when he was secretary of war under Gen.
Frank Pierc.. One of these invitations
was sent to Lieutenant Derby, good
draughtsman and a merry Wag, who sent
response proposition for having a two
inch iron ring appended by piece of strong
leather to the seat of each enlisted mans
trousers. Long and formal specification
demonstrated the utility ofthis ring. Each
officer was to carry, instead of sword, a
long white ash pole, with hook on one
end. By hooking into the ring of pri-
vate he could be kept in line of battle if he
was disposed to hang back or caught if he
attempted to run away. The ring would
also be useful in the artillery service for
for draft purposes, and in the cavalry
men could be locked to other rings in their
saddles and SO kept from falling off. The
illustrations which accompanied the spec
ifications represented officers catching in
fantry stragglers and forcing them into
the ranks, dragons padlocked to their
saddles and artillery-men with cannon-pro-
longs hitched to their ring, hauling huge
pieces of artillery up steep nights.
1t was very funny and the clerks in the
war department enjoyed some hearty
laughs over it, but when it reached the
secretary he became indignant and regard
ed it as an insult. He ordered charges
and specifications to be drawn I'D and a
court-martial was actuall ordered, when
it came to the ears of Governor Marcy,
then secretary of state, who was level
headed and who advised Davis to let the
matter drop. He might convict Derby
and dismiss him from the servise, but he
would be laughed at from one end of the
country to the other. Davis took the adj
vice and Derby's 'ssuggestions' are still
70 be found on the files of the war depart
ment.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26

Got some kind of a notion that cold fish
raw ham, wormy lettuce, green straw
berries and fried COW are going to satisf
the cravings of a man who has Just won
bet OF dinner on" but here Mr.
Spoopendyke stopped short. The last re
velation was nnintentional.
"Was it bet, dear?" asked Mrs. Spoon.
endyke, opening her eyes in astonish-
ment. "Did you bring Mr.. specklewot-
tie home here on q bet? If had known
that and you had given me time, would
have had Il nice supper for you. don't
suppose that he would care for cold
meal, under the circumstances. | really
think"-
''That settles it," squealed Mr. Spoop-
endyke, mad at himself for what he had
divulged and angrier still as he saw that
he must explain to Specklewottle how he
was fixed. "W hen you commence to think
the free list is entirely suspended. Some
day when catch you thinking, Pm 60
ing to drive spiggot in your head and
advertise science on tap; book science a
dime extra; free lunch from II to l."
And with this prospectus Mr.. Sp oopen-
dyke dashed down stairs and explained to
Mr.. Specklewottle that, owing to Mrs.
Spoopendyke having severe headache,
tt ey had better postpone the dinner or 60
to a restaurant.
81 don'tcare," murmured Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, drawing paper of candles from
an upper bureau drawer. II don't care;
it must have been a very important thing
they bet on, when cold shad warmed over
and nice beefstake isn't good enough to
pay it. Anyway, he'll be glad of 1t for
breakfast, and the next time he brings a
man here to dinner he'll pick out some
other day than Monday. Though sup
pose that Mr.. specklewottle will go home
and tell his wife that we don's have any
thing to eat here fram eae weeks end to
the other. Anyhow, she owes me a call,
and hear that the e'dressmaker disappoint-
ed her all last week, SO she won't pay much
attention to what he does say!'' and Mrs.
Spoopendyke went down to her supper of
strawberries and lettuce, while her hus-
band took it out with Specklewottle in
illets of beef ond yellow Cliquot
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
Gen. Grant as a Humorist.

From Gen. Grants chamber Of COM
merce speech in New York at the 10th
anniversary of the founding Of that insti-
tuition the following extract is taken ~
am very much obliged to your president
for calling upon me first, because the ago.
ny will soon be over, and Twill enjoy the
misery Of the Balance Of you. Laughter.
The first toast-The United States will
be a voluminous one to respond to on a
single occasion. Bancroft began publish
ing his notes on the history of the United
States shorty before President Lane estab-
lished the chamber Of commerce, which I
think, was over 100 years ago laughter
but Bancroft began earlier, | think, or
at least he SO claims, and am not pre-
pared to dispute his word; and, ifhe
should say that he kept an acurate journal
from the time he began until this time,
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
The Old Mans Ghost.

Several days ago, a celebrated spiritual
list came to Little Rock, and stated tha
before giving public entertainment h,
would give a sea:!ce, when any member O
a small invited circle could call up thf
spirits of their friends and conve Sc will
them By mistake, man from down 'he
river was admitted. a man whose TPpnta-
ton fOp deeds Of violence would not place
his spirit above par in the soul market
After listening awhile to rapping, horn
blowing, and gauza-veil NATURALIZATION
the bad man rose and said r..
"Say, cap'n, whar's the old mans
ghost?"
''What old man 20 asked the medium.
'sMy old man-the governor. Call hin:
up" .....a l.. -.~-....
"What is his name?'' &c.
"Tom Bealick; call him up"
II don't think we are in commnnica-
ton with him tonight"
"What's the matter, wire DOWN."
E'No: the old man has gone away on a
visit
"Now here; jest shut up yer ward then,
and turn OH yer light If ye don't give
the old mans ghost show, the thing
shan't run" 3
''Wait; I'll see if he will come" said
the sl,iritralist. eff he raps three times
he is willing; if only once, he has other
engagements. ~-.
A sharp rap sounded.
'sHe is unwiling," continued the spir-
itualtst.
'Now, here" said the bad man, ''that
wasn't my old mans knock. Why. if he
had lit that table he'd splintered it. Call
him up!" and the atfectionate man cast q
severe glance on the medium.
':To tell the truth, can't cali him."
"Tell him | want to see him. That will
fetch him.
mo, he won't come; but beg You to
be patient Wait: ah. he will come soon.
Tie is here and desires to talk to you. He
says he is perfectly. happy, and he longs
for the time when you will be with him.
lie is one of the rulers in the spirit land"
'.Cap'n, you're the infernalist liar in
Arkansas - I
"Why so, sir?"
"Because the oil man is in the city
prison, drunk"
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
PLANS TO HEAD OFF BUTLER
How Massachusetts Republicans
Propose to stop the work of Re-
form.

| Boston, May ga Republican confer
ence was called at the States House sever
al DAYS ago. but SO few members of the
Legislature and of the States Committee
| were present that another meeting was
called for this evening, which was attend
ed by large number of the most promi-
| nent Republican politicians of the State.
After long discussion plan was adopt
ed, which it is hoped, will stop the head
way which Gov. Butler is making for him.
self and the Democratic party in the States
1t is proposed to rush through all the bus
mess now before the two Houses within
the next two or three weeks, pass resolu-
ton giving the Tewkshury investigating
Committee authority to sit during the re-
cess of the Legislature, pass the appropri-
alton bills, and then notify the Governor
that both branches are ready to be pro-
rogued, without giving him time to return
the bills with his objections. Should the
Governor refuse to prerogue the Legisla-
ture, as is expected, it is proposed that the
country members go home, and that few
members from Boston and vicinity go UP
every other day. accompanied by the chap
lain, go through the farce of opening with
prayer, calling the roll, aud then adjourn
ing for two days for want of quorum.
They have also deternlind to send to Wash
ington for witnesses to the fact that Gov.
Butler was not in the States when the veto
of the safety deposit bill was dated and
promulgated.
1t was also decided to make an effort to
induce the Associated Press to suppress
reports OF the Tewksbury investigation,
which have been read with such interest
all over The country. Thus, with their
heads bnFried in the sand, they will con-
template the responsibility of the failure
of the appropriation bills, imagine that
they have found A way to get around
message, and blissfully dream that no one
outside of the State will ever hear of
agair.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26

sive but not sympathetic in his liberality
to his men. Last year, while stroling
around his composing room one night, a
type-setter seventy years old attracted
his attention. He called the man TO him,
made memorandum of his name, and re-
marked: "pll have to get you something
easier to do" Of course the man was very
much elated, but he has had plenty of time
to subdue his spirits, as he has never
heard of the matter since.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
bar iron, but is easily accessible to saw Or

bar iron, but is easily accessible to saw O.
file, and
HAD REEN VERY NEARLY CUT.
seHow did these three men happen to be
ia the same cell ~ was asked.
II don't know. Fox, who belongs on
the other side, must have slipped in there
in the early evening, when all the prison
ers were shut up in the cells"
Chow could they have got the tools te
do this job?''
Il don't know that, but suspect some
visitors. passed them through the bars
1t has evidently been planned fos some
time. Sheriff O'Gorman was early on the
sce..e and soon the whole police force Of
the city was actively searching for the es-
capped prisoners. One of them, johnson,
while running down Fifth street, was re-
arrested by officer Observation-Disclosures
lis Tribune.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
Threatening Letters to the British
Consul.

II have received several threatening
letters in the last few days. Mr.. Pierre
Dont Edwards, the British Consul, said
Yesterday. Gone was simply coffin, with
ny name Oh it, and here is another"
The threatening missive was a postal
card, addressed English Consul, New
York. =" On the opposite side was written :
"Y our place is to be blown up and you
shot, and every sympathizer of you or
England will be poisoned or their places
blown up.''
"Do you know anything" O'Donovan
Rosa was asked last evening, "about the
threatening letters written to the British
Consul?''
"Know ANYTHING about them? Ask the
British Consul if he knows anything
about the threatening letters which I re-
ceivein every mail from England or from
different sections Of this country"
"Five or six men came here after Mr..
Edwards statement about New York in=
formers was published" Secretary Joyce
said, "and volunteered to-well, they
meant business"
"Do you know anything" Mr.. Rosa
was asked, "about the dynamite ships
which Halifax dispatches say have been
sent to Canada?''
''The whole exiled Irish world" he re-
nlied, twill shortly be up in arms against
England, and will join hands against the
English flag, and strike it wherever they
find it outside Of the United States"
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
ould NOT doubt IT. for there has been no

should not doubt it, for there has been nc
time that | have not heard Of Bancroft.
Laughter. | have not brought those
volumes of Bancroft here-but will let
the reporters publish them as prelude to
what I am going to say-[Laughter' !
think he has only finished up to little
after the time that President Lane estab-
lished the chamber of commerce, and !
will let the reporters also take the record
of what President Lane has said at the
monthly meetings, and publish that as the
second chapter OF my speech. Then, ta~
king up the subject at the present time, |
may say that We, the people of the United
States, have a country of which we may be
proud"
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
An Interesting Exhibition
Hartford.

Vanderbilt's famous team of mares, Al
dine and Early Rose, that We're reputed
last fall to have trotted a mile over the
Hartford track in 2:161a, have been placed
in Dan Mace's hands, and the under
standing among turfmen is that they will be
taken to Hartford soon, and prepared fol
a fast exhibition. Maud S. will probably
90 to the same track soma time in June
and during the Hartford summer meeting
general exhibition of the Vanderbilt
stable is billed to take place
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
Ben Harrison and the President.

President Arthur, as arule, has always
b-en guide q III making Indiana appoint
menfs BY he advice Of Sena tor Harrison
and II il s;liI that he is npw-anxious, to re.
ceive inspiration from another source, un
ess the Senator will give his Republican
pponents IN Indiana a chance. .-Cincin
att Enquirer.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
A Peculiar Funeral.

| he ard the other day, says a Washing
ton correspondent, Of most interesting
case Of feminine fortitude. "A wife Of {
Washington public agitator prides herself
upon her beautiful voice, although she car
no more sing than crow. One day hel
husband took sick and the physician sale
he could not live. The wife came In WheI
he was dying AID took her place in a theat,
rical position and sang in loud yelling
voice, "Nearer My God to Thee" If the
poor dying man had not been reconciled
to 90 before that, the song must have
sWaetened his parting on earth. After the
woman had finished this song she said te
the doctor, sI will not wait to see my
husband die. My artistic nature cannot
endure painful sights. | will 60 away, sc
As to retain in memory the look of Johns
face when he is yet free from pain,' Then
this Roman matron went to bed and was
sound asleep when her husband passed
away.
The next day the Roman matron remain
ed in retirement. But that evening she
lighted up her whole house as if for re-
eeption. The visitors who came to pay
calls of coincidence almost fancied them
selves at a general reception. "John''
was not there.
He was in a coffin up stairs, neatly
stGwed away in small bedroom.
Said the Roman matron to her callers
GLOW many noble hearts have called to
see me this evening? Yes fully forty great
hearts have come to me with their SYM
pathy."
Then again: 'sBring me one of Shak-
>peare's tragedies. Let me read that; alone
ca,i now comfort my mind.''
BY a sudden transition: "By the way,
would Won like to see Johu % Then with
OUT waiting: Il do not think you would
care tossee John. The sight of him would
only distress YOU. Let us remember him
in our great hearts as he once was.''
Tire next night "John'' was carried to
andgher friend s house-one of the best on
K street and at night the funeral was
held. The dear, devoted wife fell across
the coffin twice during the ceremonies in
the most approved abandon. Once when
she arose she brought away a large heap
of shrubbery from the floral display on the
offiin by it's catching in her crepe veil.
This added special interest to the scene,
and made some of her friends liken her to
poor Opnelia." Then the bereaved wild
oy tried to sing at the funeral, and was
only prevented after the hardest work.
Iii is probable that no such funeral was
EVER before seen III Washington. 10 this
bsurd attempt at theatrical display is
joined The fact that the husband died from
absolute neglect upon the part of the wife
~ obey the DOCTORS directions and to
properly nnrse him, and thus the picture
il made the more remarkable. 1t is d
case that has made much talk, as the man
was well known among public men and
well liked.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26

GIVE seen good many hard cases of
poverty" renai ked the Arkansas stran-
ger, ''but the worst | ever saw was the
case of a man down on Red River, and I've
had a kind feeling for flies ever since.''
The company expressed their astonish-
ment and curiosity by profound silence
and stony stare which the Arka sas
truth teller appeared not to notice, merely
adding as he empted his glass:
ssI'ts fact I'm telling you, gentleman
but that Red River chap was so poor that
the flies wouldn't bite hm.'s
An exchange asks "What's the matter
with the boys down in Maryland ?" This
partakes OF the nature of a leading cues
ton, and would therefore be excluded un-
der the rules of eyidence, but, as a person.
al favor to an esteemed contemporary, we
have no objection to telling it that the
matter with the boys down in Maryland
is that most of the whisky manufactured
in the State is drunk there.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26

''Whst is the matter with you, sonny ?"
said pious old Samaritan to a lad who
was churning the tears to his eyes with
two dirty fists. Perhaps the hand of
Providence has been laid heavily upon
you; perhaps your mothers dead?''
Il hope she is,' muttered the gamin,
shifting his fists from his eyes to the base
men. of his pantaloons and rubbing it as if
it was the seat of some recent distress.
''I hope she is, but she wasn't when saw
her last
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26

A nervous old gentleman, driven half
distracted by the cries ofa fish yender who
was yelling "Porgies! porgies.' beneath
his window, thrust out his head and shout
ed:
eff you'll stop your Internal noise I'll
give you a job worth money!
'EWhat is it? asked the porgy tiend.
"Why, to come and teach our church
choir how to sing"
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1883-05-26
FOLLY SHOTS,

A distinguished statesman returned 70
MS rooms at Washington hotel one eve
ming, suffering from an absence of mental
coherency. He explained to his wife that
condition was an accident, that he had
been sitting up late with President Arthur
and few friends from New York, and
that the flow of soul had prevented him
from calculating the effects of The flow of
spirits.
'And what did you drink 2" she asked,
with true feminine directness of speech.
Il don't know what il was. nv dear.n
said the belated statesman steatlying him
self against the mantel piece, ''but the
President called it shrimp salid."