Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-01-01

The father of twin babies needs no
alarm clock.
The first round dance originated with
Adam when he sat down on a hornet
An Illinois man has such red nose that
he is compelled to sleep with a lamp-shade
over it.
When photographers hold debate, the
decision is invariably rendered in favor
of the negative.
About this time the young man who
wishes to capture girl tries to make his
presents felt.
An engaged girl is the happiest when
she tells it to another girl who is not en-
! gagged and not likely to be.
If you want to make Boston democrat
mad, remind him of the time when he
used to call governer-elect Butler ''Old
| Cockeye."
A Nevada paper tells of man who was
eaten up by bear while asleep He will
be a much astonished citizen when he
wakes up and finds where he is.
Why do so many men make practice
of eating cloves between the acts of the
opera? So that no breath OF suspicion
may be cast upon their conduct.
81 declare, mother!" exclaimed pretty
girl, ''it's too bad. You always send me
to bed when I'm not sleepy and you al
ways make me get up when I am sleepy
A Georgia man fought in the dark for
two hours what he supposed to be nest
of black snakes, and when they finally
brought lantern it proved to be an old
hoop-skirt.
Perhaps, after ALL there is too much
freedom in the country. Our youths raise
what they are pleased to call moustaches
upon the slightest provocation, and soci
ETY. is pOwerless to prevent the outrage.
Miss Notebanger had just finished 8
''dificult" piece of music upon the piano
forte Beautiful, isn't it?' remarked {
young lady. eyes, replied Fogg. "Splen
did exercise; superior to dumbbells, bu
rather exhausting to ii beginner, l shoul(
say"
A Canadian minister who found punch
ed half dollar in the contribution boz
philosophically said to his congregation
''Let US be thankful that the good brothe
had this silver coin with hole in it, 70
otherwise he might have given only
cent.
9 Captain-s'What is the charge, ser
i geant?" Sergeant-"This time it's drunk
9 enness, sir. But this man is the mos
e troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir
4 He goes out when he likes and gets drum
!; when he likes; in fact, he acts as if h
}, might be a horficer.''
: 1t was the house of the brides parent
, after the wedding. On the table were eS
posed the costly presents. Two gentle
men We're examining them. Said one G
I them suddenly: s'These, you say, are th
/. brides presents, but what does the groor
get?" ''Oh," replied the other, she get
the woman 'sIs that all? Poor fellow
When an editor makes a mistake in hi
paper all the world sees it, and calls hin
liar. When a private citizen makes
mistake, nobody knows it except a fe
friends and they come around and ask th
editor to keep it out of the paper. Whe
the private citizen dies, the editor is asl
ed to write of all good qualities and leay
:. out the bad. When the editor dies, tt
ey private citizen say s'Now that old Ii;
will get his deserts"
Perhaps medicine is universally required al
good cathartlc- Swaynes Pills prepared express
to meet this necessity. being composed of purely
etable ingredients Of which podophyllin or mandral
sarsaparilla yellow dock and other concentrat
Juices enter largely into their composition; the witt
q strength of which is extracted on an entirely NJ
. principle. They mild in their operation. and
truly valuable aperient and anti-bilious medic
"a ~ They stimulate the liver healthy action clear
old the stomach aud bowels of all impurities Curl
10 sick and nervous headache dyspepsia indigesti
sh bousness feveIs, drowsiness, colds, aching pai
ne slight chills with flashes of heat and female irre
rs. larities. For bilious and eostiye habit medic
is prompt and effectual Mailed receipt of pr
lin postage stamps). 25 cents. or five boxes for
Address DR.. Swayne Son, Philadelphia. Pa. A
{ your druggist for them.