Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-10-04
In lia1 Uu),

This is Il new cr"ze. 1t is tn" rraz-
est kind OF Il craze among the noblnv
of America. The youth who does not
swing Indian clubs every morning be-
fore breakfast is q great many points
below par.
We took n modest swing with the In
dian clubs last week. We believe they
are intended to develop the muscles.
expand the chest, and produce other
physical changes in the worn out, debil-
itated system of 4 man of sedentary
habits. But we hardly anticipated the
curious and radical changes which i'm
mediately took place in our delicate
anatomy. We were invited to swing
these Indian clubs by an alleged friend,
and we complied with his urbane re-
quest solely through politeness and a
desire not to give otfense. But there is
no use of q fellow sacrificing himself on
the altar of etiquette, and raising
bumps, ringhones and spavins all over
him. But we swung Indian clubs, and
that is the reason we now write with
one arm in a gin sling, bread poultice
over the chronological development of
our back head, and peculiar, gourd-
shaped confusion abaft our left ear.
We couldn't do it again if Queen .Victo-
ria herself went down on her bruised
bended knees and begged us to do it
with weeping eyes and voice shivering
with emotion.
Our friend invciged us up into his
room and made q free exhibition of HIM
self and clubs for our especial benefit.
After various contortions and other her.
culean efforts, he passed the clubs over
to us. We are now sorry that we didn't
pass them, TOO, and draw out of the
game. We Immediately discovered that
we were not in our element. Either
we were not in good form, or something
must have seriously disagreed with the
Indian who made the clubs. One slipped
out of our hand going through the glass
on the dressing case, and the next one
chased our friend into the wardrobe
and pounded loudly on the door for ad-
mittance.'
We coaxed them together again and
grabbed them by their necks. We again
essayed to swing them. Something at
tracted our attention. 1t was an unruly
club colliding with the organ of secret
iveness. We Immediately went down
to avoid punishment. Round first. Ac-
quisitiveness next got welt, and the
bump of appreciation was slightly fiat
tened at the poles. Round second
knocked veneration into cooked hat,
but it was not until benevolence re-
ceived confusion that we dropped on
one knee and claimed foul. Round
third completely destroyed conscien-
tiousness. and we hardly think that
bump will ever again appear on the
surface. In round four, one of the
clubs got in lick on ideality that
knocked it silly, and we shall never be
the same man. The organ of individu-
ality is mere pulp, and even hope,
wonder, and eventuality are but shape
less ruins, old land marks, as it were,
showing the wide range of intellectual
ity, now scourged and beaten out of
shape by the pure cussedness of Indian
clubs.
In round number five. we came up
smiling, and shook hands with the
clubs. At this juncture our friend
stepped out of the wardrobe to act as
referee, and one of the eccentric weap-
ons caught him under the chin and
lifted him about three feet from the
floor, and dropped him limp as rag
in the quiet recess of bay window
looking to the South. Immediately re-
covering himself he captured the Indi-
an clubs and tied them up to the bed
stead. Tnen we adjourned to drug
store 1eGas SJtingS.