The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-08-22
Wednesday, Aug. %, 1888.
COMIC COMMENTS.

socouu-huut ana with tears or gratitude con-
signed her to the tender mercies of the
hackman. Darlington Free Press
Prohibition item "Wake me up.
darling, tonight and give me toddy," said
an Austin inebriate to his wife, as they were
about to retire for the night But how
will know when you want one ?" "You
can't make mistake. am always thirsty
when ! am woke up"- Teras Sttfings.
circumstances alter cases Mr. Crcesus
Borewell-" l. your sister at home 2" Miss
Sally (wht has heard Mr.. b. discussed in
the family mo" Mr.. G. B.-"Then
will you please see that she gets these
flowers ~ Miss E." Yes, I'll take them
right up to her; she'll be delighted life
"A mitigating circumstance: mo"
aid Brown, Z" l can't say that am satisfied
With those boots; they are too tight it's an
awfully hard job TO put them on" "Ah"
replied the philosophical shoemaker, every
likely, sir; put then, you know, you have
only to put one on at time ~ Boston
Transcript.
six feet tall: There is young lady uI
In Columbia county who is six feet tall and
Is engaged to he married The man who
won her did it in these words "Thy
beauty sets my soul aglow; I'd we'd thee,
right or wrong man wants but little here
below, but he wants that little long. ~
irtoiaton (Ga.) Southern.
Notice: A Skaneateles Constable re.
Gently posted the following notice: "The
following effeeks of John Downies Uncle
Toms Cabin show will be sold in the ball
room in the Centre Hotel, wis.,: / hoyen in
scenery, bullpups (muzzles and blanlsits),
l ice scenery and l champagne basket.
Adam Norton, const. Mem Terk Eceniag
Post.
One OF the "perfect gems y "Dc
tend me breastpin," said to friend al
whose house ] was staying. 81 have last
broken mine" She produced roach in
onyx, at which Ishrieked. "Why, darling,
IT'S . perfect gem, with gold legs and emer-
AID eyes," she said. wore it, but SILVER
I'd all day. Ugh!-Saa Francisco Neus
Teller.
Very tired in their heads: First differ
=" You say you have met me before, and l
have an impression that l have met you be.
fore. Can you tell me when il was 2" Sec
ond ditto-"I can, sir it was ut the same
time that met you" First duffer (reilect.
ing)-" Yes, yes, it must have bcen but
what remarkable coincidence ~ Boston
Transcript
-Opsratic: Said lady, who wanted to
so to the theatre, to her husband, who was
reading newspaper: "There is a new
opera company coming to Austin and they
are going to give Robert the Devil
What are they going to give Robert til,
devil for-what's he been doing?" asked the
husband, who is not we'll up in opera music.
Teas SJtings
Foregoing pleasures Mary Ami
sish this afternoon out, Madame, to attend
The funeral of my cousin. Mistress Ger.
tainly, but yo1 will finish your work after
you return in the evening. Mary Ann
What Work in the EVENING" If you re-.
luire that, Madame, l shall forego the plea.
sure of the funeral MARY Ann aounces
out in a rage. + Toledo Blade
What he would take: "We'rc going
70 have some amateur theatrieas for the
benefit OF our society,"" said Brown; "do
you think that Biggs would take part if it
was offered him 7" Biggs take part ="
exclaimed Fogg, "Puess you don't know
biggs. No, sir he wouldn't take a part :;
ned want the whole or nothing. Nothing
half way about Biggs. ~ Boston transcript.
Automatic; Success lives two doors
beyond perseverance, il You get tired of
the struggle of life cut pole and 90 fish
ing; he who is always suave and smiling i.
about as fiat as saltless pudding; Jealousy
aud crack on the crazy-bone have often
put murder into the heart of man complain
not OF reverses, better TO slip down on the
sidewalk than to have the sidewalk slip down
on you.
An impossiblity: doctor, can't you
tell me what's the matter with him ?" asked
an anxious mother, whose SOL was under
going medical examination. "Humor in
the blood" replied the doctor. ~ knowed
1t. told him not to read funny papers
lat he would do 1t, and the first thing he
knows II will strike his brain aud kill him. ~
No danger, madam; he hasn't any brain !"
Arkansap Traeeier.
The coming storms "Pa's long way
ahead of Virgins" said Melancihon to one
of MIR. Marrowfat's guests, as they were ex-
aiming the pictures in the parlor after din
ner. Your father is very clever man.
politely observed the gentleman to whom
the remark was addressed YES" con
tinued the garrulous boy, The can tell wher
there's storm coming every time, just By
looking in mas face. "--Byooklyn Eagle.
A Boston honeymoon: They were a
Boston couple, who had been married but a
few weeks and had just gone to housekeep-
ing. As the husband stood at ihe area door
one morning, with the market basket in his
hand, his bride threw her arms around him
and said; "Do you, indeed love me so
very, very much, Bradford ?" Bunker
Hill Monument may fall" he answered with
enthusiasm, "but my love will Away,
aand." "well, then" she exclaimed kiss.
,,g him, don't forget the beans"-B Brook
Sn Eagle.
Miss Snowbal's love-letter. Miss
Matilda Snowfall, having closed the door,
approached the lady of the house in most
mysterious manner and asked ms a favor
that her employer write letter to Sam
Johnsing. "What do you want me to
write?" write him dat was at de cor.
ner at do pinted hour and dat he didn't
some." "Well, I've got that down."
"Den add to dat ar: Il consoles myself
wild de fond hope you was KEEP away by sick
ness. Your only true lab, ldatildy Snow.
ball "-Teras SJungs
>-ses-> ga
SHR DIM Nor GIVE As Madam,', he be
gan, as he lifted his hat at the front door,
:" am soliciting for home charities We
have hundreds Of poor, ragged and vicious
children like those at yom gate. and our
object is---" Sir those are my own