The Portland daily press., 1883-03-09
The Bad Boys Bouquet,
With Which He sprinkles PA and the
cry Man-How 1t Enliyened Soci-

does any hurt?' asked the bad boy of the
grocery man, as he came in, with his Sunday
suit ION and a bouquet in his button-hole,
and pried off couple of figs from new box
that had just been opened.
mo, SIR said the grocery man. as he
licked off the syrup that dripped from a
quart measure, from which he had been
filling jug. 81 hold that man that gets
mad at practical joke, that is, one that
does not iujure him, is fool, and he ought
to be Stunned by all decent people. That's
a nice bouquet you have in your coat. What
is it, pansies2 Let me smell it," and the
grocery man bent over in front of the boy to
take a Whit at the bouquet. AS he did so a
stream of water shot out of the innocent
looking bouquet and struck him full in the
face, and run down over his shirt, and the
grocery man yelled murder, and fell over a
barrel of axe helves and scythe snaths, and
then CROPPED around for a towel 10 wipe his
face.
s'You condum skunk,n said the grocery
man to the boy, as he took up an axe helve
aud started for him, "what kind of a gol-
blasted squlrt-gun you got there? | will
maui you,by thunder" and ne rolled up his
s hirt sleeves.
"There, keep your temper. took test
vote of you on the subject of practical jokes
before the machine began to play upon the
confagration that was raging on your whiskey
nose. and you said man that would gel
mad at practical joke was a fool and now
know it. Here, let me show it to you.
There Is rubber hose runs from the bou-
quet inside my coat to my pants pocket, and
there is a bulb of rubber that holds about
half pint, and when Teller smells of the
posy squeeze the bulb and you see the re-
suit. It's fun where you dom squirt it on
person that gets mad"
The grocery man said he would give the
boy half pound of figs if he would lend the
bouquet to him for half an hour to play it
on a customer, and the boy fixed it on the
grocery man and turned the nozzle SO 1t
would squirt right back into the grocery
mans face. He tried it on the first custom
er that came in and got it right in his own
face, and then the bulb in his pants pocket
got to leaking and the rest of the water ran
down the grocery mans trousers leg and he
gave ii up in disgust and handed it back to
the boy. "How was it that your pa had TO
be carried home from the sociable in hack
the other night" asked the grocery man as
he stood close to the stove SO his pant's-leg
would dry. "He has not got to drinking
again, has he?'
20, no" said the boy, as he filled the bulb
with vinegar, TO practice on his chum, sit
was this bouquet that got pa into the trou-
Die. You see got pa to smell of it, and /
just filled him chuck full of water. He got
mad and called me all kinds of names. and
said | was no good on earth, and I would
fetch up in States prison, and then be want
ed to borrow 1T to wear to the seciable. He
hnxT
shake a stick at. and asked him if he didn't
think he would fetch up in States prison,
and he said it was different with man. He
said when man played joke there was a
certain dignity about il that was lacking in
boy. So / lent it to him and we all went
to the sociable in the basement of the church.
never see pa more kitteny than he was that
night He filled the bulb with ice-water, and
the first one he got TO smell of his button
hole bouquet was an old maid who thinks pa
is heather, but she likes to be made some
thing of by anybody that wears pants, and
when pa sided up to her and began talking
about what great work the Christian vim
men of the land were doing in educating the
heather, she felt real good, and then she no
tlced pas posy in his butten-hole and she
touched it, and then reached over her beak
to smell of it. Pa he squeezed the bulb,
and about half tea-cupful of water struck
her right in the nose, and some of it went
into her strangle-place, and, o, my, didn't
she YELL The sisters gathered around her.
and they said her face was all perspiration.
and the paint was coming off, and they took
her in the kitchen, and she told them pa
had slapped her with dish of ice cream
and the wimmen told the minister and the
deacons, and they went to pa for an expla-
nation, and pa told them it was not so, and
the minister got interested and got near pa,
and pa let the water go and hit him on the
eye, and then deacon got a dose, and pa
laughed, and then the minister, who used to
go to college and be hazer and box, he got
mad and squared off and hit pa three times
right by the eye, and one of the deacons he
kicked pa, and pa got mad and said he could
clean ont the whole shebang, and began to
pull off his coat, when they bundled him out
doors, and ma got mad to see pa abused and
she left the sociable, and had to stay and
eat ice-cream and things for the whole fam
lily. Pa SAYS that settles it with him. He
says they haven't got any more Christian
charity in that church than they have got
in tannery. His eyes was just getting over
being black from the sparring lessons, and
now he has got to go through the oysters
and beefsteak cure again. He says it is all
owing to me-"
well, what has this all got to do with
your putting up signs in front of my store,
Rotten Eggs and 'Frowy Butter special.
ty,' said the grocery man, as he look the
bov by the ear and pulled him around.
you have got an idea in your head that
you are smart, and want you to keep away
from here. The next time catch YOU in
here shall call the police and have you
pulled. Now gtp'
The boy pushed his ear back on the side of
his head where it belonged, took out cigar
cite and lit it, and after putting smoke in
the face of the grocery cat that was Sleep
ing on the cover to the sugar barrel, he said,
Ii was provision pirate, that never sold
anything but what was spoiled so it couldn't
be sold in first class store, who cheated in
weights and measures, who bought only
wormy figs and decayed Goldfish, who got bis |
butter from fat-rendering establishment,
his cider from a vinegar factory and his SUI |
gar from glucose factory, l would not in
suit the son OF one of the first families. Why, |
sir, could go out on the corner. and when |
saw the customers coming here could tell !
a story that would turn their stomachs, and |
send them 10 the grocery on the next corner. |
Suppose | should tell them that the cat |
sleeps in the dried apple barrel, that the
mice made nests in the prline box and rats |
run riot through the raisi S, and that YOU
never wash your hands except on D. cora
ion day and Christmas, that you wipe your /
nose on your sbirt-sleeves, and that you have |
she itch, do you think your business would |
be improved? Suppose | should tell the
that you buy sour kraut of a
wooden-shoe Polacker, who makes it of
pieces of cabbage that he gets by gathering
swirl, and you sell that stuff to respectable
people, could you pay your rent? Ii should
Tell tnem mat you put loZengers in ne col
lection plate at church, and charge the min
lister forty cents pound for oleomargarin, |
you would have to close up. Old man, am
onto you, and now you apologize for pulling |
my ear"
The grocery man turned pale during the |
recital, and finally said the bad boy was one |
OF the best little fellows In this town, and
"6irl wanted to cock