Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1883-05-16
FLASHES OF WIT.

FLASHES OF WIT.
THERE are thirty divorced wives h one
Lynn shce coy. They are only half
souled now Milton Ncus.
A PUBLIC SPIRITED coal dealer in Bran
ford, Conn.,, presents every newly-mar-
ried couple in the town with half-ton Of
coal.
A wRyyER on natural history says that
a ssdude is an animal with two legs; in
which respect he resembles goose, but
he has no feathers
The Presidents Florida sickness would
have kept 5-year old boy in bed about
fige minutes. He was homesick for =
sniff cf the Potomac fats.
WHAT is the difference between the
passing Of q full-dressed lady and an
enfranchised grub? One is fsutter-by
and the other is butterfly. .-Bosto's
transcript.
Two St. Louis lawyers called EACH
other tdirty puppies" in court the other
day. Neither was on oath, but their
evidence was deemed conclusiVe.-Bos-
ton Transcript.
WHEN the telephone becomes perfec-
tion to such IN extent that the breath OF
a person can be transmitted, it will be
time to shut off communication With Chi
cago.-N. Y. Com
"Ir this should meet the eye of Her
bert A. Slade," apcstrophized John L.
Sullivan. while contemplating bis fist,
"he will hear of something to his dis
advantage,"- ,"-Puck.
A New YORK policeman recently shot
and fatally wourded brother othcer.
This is the first time New York blue
coat was ever on hand at the time OF q
murder.-.S0ne. Jour.
A MISSISSIPPI paper says OF candi-
date: s'He makes most excellent matr1-
| mopial insurance agent, and We carnot
| Gee Why he would not make wise and
able leg islator Lynn Rec.
A MAN went into drug store the other
day to buy some medicine. "Do you
keep the lest drugs ?" "You can't get
better SIR" TOO bad, no use OF medl-
cine then, good day y."-Gas.
The negro, George Hazard, who has
just married Alice FlaRg, the daughter
OF the richest man in Boylston, goes In
for the American Flagg and an appro-
priatiou. .-Bosto', Transcript.
A PHILADELPHIA organist has been
discharged for playing (though very
slowly and solemnly) march from an
opera bouff.. Seventeen deacons recog-
nized it at once.-Philadelphio Neo0s.
SAID a loving wife to her husband:
"Do you know, dear, that butterfly or
uaments are. very fashionable?' per
! haps So" he grufly replied; "but grub
is the great desideratum. ."-Erchange'
The new discovery that kissing cures
freckles may be all right, but the ditf-
Guilty of a youth who has the complexion
of an African leopard is that he can't get
any girl ID kiss him.-R0chester Post
EGpress.
IN. T. JuGG" makes this wise remark:
Newspaper mep, like priests, don't tell
all they know. If they did tho very
stones in the street would cry out for
shame-and the latest edition. ."-Ne,D
York News.
A LITTLE boy in Quincy, Illinois,
knew what be was talking about when
he closed lis evening prayer by saying:
"Good-bye, o Lord; I'm going over to
Missouri in the morning. ."-Chic0go
Inter. Ocean.
TIE profits on the sale of Arthur Sui
livan's "Lost Chord" have reached
100000. By Saint Cecilia, an we
we had a chance would lose whole
woodward for half the money.-Burlieg-
ton Hawkeye.
"THE difference" said Twistem, re-
fectively, "between a young married
couple and an old gentleman rabbit, ap-
pears to be just this: Ones happy
pair and the other is a pappy hare. -
Pittsburg Telegraph.
DAVID DAVIS is about to erect q
theater in Bloomington, Illinois, where
he resides. He has made up his mind
TO have an orchestra chair big enough
for him, if he has to build the whole con-
cern himself. ]f.-Lo,u. CIT.
| IT is breach of etiquette never to be
forgiven to sneeze in the presence OF
royalty, but royalty has never bothered
itself to tell a man what to do with his
nose when he feels eneeZe working
along up his suspenders.
"OH, DEAR" exclaimed Edith to he1
doll, II do wish you would sit still. ]
never saw such an uneasy thing in my
life. Why don't you act like grown
people and be still and stupid for q
while. Huntington Havkeye.
OMAHA wonders why she can't produce
great actor, or poet, and then turns
/ around and tells of citizen falling be.
meath wagon loaded with two tons Of
, stone and having a wheel pass over hif
mead without cracking his skull.
! LAWYER" What did the prisoner dc
next ?" .Witness-"I think Law
yer-"There, stop there; you are not te
, tell what you think" Witness
"That's lucky for you; you might hear
: something you wouldn't consider datter'
I inQ." Crier-" Silence in the court!-
$ Boston Transcript. "
:, THERE was good specimen Of Amer
ican wit in the reply made by the ole
settler, who had lived in this city sinc'
it was log cabin or two, to the younl
man who was putting him through
q course of interrogatories: ssYou mus
t have lived here long time?" "Well,
: reckon. "Why. how long since yo'
n came here?" "Young man" )" said th
Q old settler, sejzing the questioner by tn
coat lappel, s'do you see that hill acros
q the riyer (pointing to q lofty peak?
t ttYes," said the other, II do. ''Well
kim here, sir, when that was pothi1
: but hole in the ground. "-Burtingto
Haokeye.