National Republican., 1883-07-19

ilcI mar nus buT0Gu ulllS gray,
Her figure grown great deal stouter.
And since then have married twice,
My heart no longer reaches towards he
For she has been a widow thrice,
And lalelys gone to keeping boarders.
DE LEssEPs is the father of eleven babies.
No wonder he is scratching around to get the Job
ofdigging another canal.
A CHICAGO man has been making "blood
oranges" by injecting anllne into them. His
high. priced scheme has been exposed.
AN indianapolis dog lived five weeks with
out water OF food, its faithful aud sqgacious mas.
ter having forgotten that II was locked in.
GEORGE WASHINGTON used to speculate in
land. In those days there were no lard corners
and the father of his country had to do the best he
could with his capital
A PERUVIAN living in Milan has made
clock entirely out of bread--nearly equal to the
Yankee who makes health-lifls out of boarding
house beeisteaks.
ACCORDING to the Picqyuno, in New Orleans
when there is street shooting going on no wise per-
sou will be an innocent spectator 1t is the inno-
! cent spectator who gets hit in the log.
The most miserable man in the country to-
day is the chap who is not yet sober enough to
know whether the fourth of July came on Christ
| mus VI A'Sh tSNh 1UN SVNt"tt'CtW'
FAsHIoNABLE dressmakers have estab-
| lished themselves at Newport and Long Branch.
| They are to tell the young ladies what to wear at
the hot hops, nd to fix up strangers at short no.
| tice
"Is Mr.. PAYoN about ~ asked customer
at the bank. Gone to Canada said the gentle.
man at the window, in II courteous, business way.
$50 - said the customer " How much is it ? Who
| nre his bondsmen?"
THE truthful Picaytne says; The merchant
who does not advertise makes no sacrifice in
closing his store at dark, though he may expect
| his clerks will present him with silver pitcher
as slight testimonial.
| TRANSLATED from the Omnibus: "Well,
Mrs Meier, how goes 1t in the married life?"
AT first went 1t not to the best, but since from
my husband separated am, come we right we'll
with one another out"
The true soldier Of the lord is not bothered
about his uniform. If he has something to say for
the good of souls he can say 1t without waiting for
his new muslin surpce to come home from the
wash-Nel0 Orleans Picdyune.
FRoUDE succeeded in disgusting everybody
| with Carlyle. Now he has tackled the diet Of
worms, and will turn Martin Luther over for
magazine article. In this case he cannot claim
| that Luther asked him to do It,
"WELL," said the lady whose husband had
run away with the school maam, there's one
consolation; know the inside facts of this aaanr
dal, and that's more than those spiteful old maids
across the street do."-Boston Post.
A VERY appetizing medicine is out, illus
trated by an Indian trying to throw bottle full
oft down the throat Of snake with bow gun.
A bottle with snake on 1t, however, is not likely
TO quiet the nerves of those inclined to jimjams.-
PicdWtne.
NOTHING disgusts the small boy so much
as seeing policeman riding on the back steps Of
a street car. He can't see why policeman, who
rides free, and weighs as much as five small boys,
is OF any more advantage to the car company than
a small boy who doesn't pay.
THE report that the churches of New York
had been invited to hold strawberry festivals to
raise funds in aid of the pedestal of the Bartholdi
statue was not founded on fact. colored church
did offer to give an apple dumping festival and
cake walk for the benefit of the pedestal, but that
was all.
A PILL giver is in a tight place when he
wants the public to know he "has returned to the
city and will resume practice" &c., believing at
the same time 1t is beneath the dignity of his pro.
fession to advertise his business This sort of
doctor has the gall to ask that papers make such
announcements free in his case which is not all
the same.
ONE of the evils of the age we are gravely
informed by philosophical contemporary, is
the intense desire OF men to accumulate riches
speedily. But in this respect we should like to
know of the age or the country where the same
desire did not have as strong development as
now. As Flanagan, of Texas, inquired "What
are we here for?"
SOMEBODY put n small mud turtle, about
the size OF silver dollar, in bed at New Jer-
sey hotel, and the stranger who was assigned to
that room ON preparing to retire. caught sight Of
it. He at once resumed his Clothes remarking:
81 expected to have pretty lively night of It. but
they're as big as that, don't propose to get in
with 'em. ."-NatarGl History Of NetO Jersey.
A MOTHER in Rochester, N. Y, was taken
+ to the insane asylum and her infant was left in
charge Of its father. On a visit the doctor
inquired how the child was getting along and
what food he was giving 1t. First rate" replied
the paternal nurse II buy impaired food and
condemned milk for the baby, and 1t thrives well
upon them.-What TO DO Wuh Babtes.
In Paris recently woman was sentenced
TO an imprisonment of two months for insulting
D minister of religion. She was infatuated with
him and determined that he should love her. She
prosecuted him so with her attentions that he
was compelled to call the law to his aid. In court
she said that she was determined to be loved by
priest as they were kinder aud better than lay
men.
ACCORDING to Henry Watterson, we are
getting even with England for sending us tho
Hessan fly BY sending them mosquitoes mixed up
; with corn and wheat shipments. Surely this is
revenge enough. II the samples, however, are not
satisfactory, we can send them a few oi the Ar.
kansas variety, which, from all accounts will
probably fill the bill. No pun is intended. kun
v sds Cuy journal.
: "JABEz," said his wife sharply, that man
f you hired last week is down with the lockjaw.
f Now l want to know If that's anything ketchin'?'
And Jabez looked at her with tears in his eyes
and said, in mournful tones, "oh. no. No. No.
Alas, no; 'tain't ketchin'." And he says, al
: though she won't believe 1t, that he doesn't know
ii what made her so outrageously mad about it,
i burlington Hdwkeye
o "YoUNG CALVIN" wants to know if we
"believe that angels have wings, and why we
think so?" We think they have, Calvin. We
never saw their wings, but we know that when
. ever young man becomes perfectly convinced
that he has met an angel he spends about all his
!, spare time holding her tight with both arms, as
/ though he feared she would fly away the minute
a he let go of her And If they had no wings there
p would be no cause for this widespread, almost
= universal fear Burlington Hdipkeye
= CANDoR.--Young Mr.. Tremble, who is
~ quite bright was at party one night and he was
Il quite well looked at by the Rirs before he was in
;, troduced. After the introduction he soon caught
on, and was making himself very popular. "oh,
Ill