davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
A Lawful Excnse.

''Why didn't you attend my wife's
funeral?" said an angry man, approach
ing an acquaintance. 'sWhen your wife
was buried was there, and now, sir, as
you did not return the favor, I'm going
to whale you until you can't stand up.
People have been sighting me long
enough and blamed if I'm going to stand
it any longer.
"Hold on, my friend; I know that
you attended my wife's funeral, and 1
know that it was my duty to exchange
courtesies, but there was good reason
why was not present. y
snake satisfactory explanation or
I'll jolt you with an ungentle hand.''
1.-The truth is, owe that undertaken,
and l know that If he saw me he'd bone
me for the money"
'Your excuse is accepted. lowe the
fellow myself and am keeping out of his
way. There is a new saloon around
here. Let's go and stand-of the bar
tender"
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
WHILE NUMBER 3s6.
Illiteracy in the United States.

Mr.. John Eaton said. at a MEETING Of
the Union League Club in New York.
the other evening that, though nearly
twenty years had passed since the de.
claration Of universal freedom. there
were 3,22O.S7S of the colored popula-
tlon' at the age of 10 years and upward,
VINO could not write, or a number equal
to the whole population of the original
thirteen States. The illiterate whites
number 2. 255, AGO persons, of the same
ages. " the achievements of religion.
ne said the church has great influences
upon education, but the money invest
cd IN the education of women. by the
cnnrch, was not one-iftieth the amount
OF money expended for the college edu-
cation of men. Yet if provisions were
made by the church to meet the want Il
would be at a cost of $3O8, OOO. 900. II
would take 100000 religious papers
TO furnish one to each family. The Sit
I'm, ,1G Ca capacity for the Sabbath is 49,
i1O,Ooo, but it would require an addi-
tonal q $3.50, 900 to provide accomoda-
IONS Tor the remainder of the popula-
ton. Mr.. Eaton said that it was absurd
70 expect that the church should take
the responsibility of the education Of
our youth. Free education could only
De promoted by the State. In eyerv
state there are liberal provisions for the
education OF the people, Yet these adj
vantages are inadequate. The speaker
said that the people who seemed to
thlnk that Senator Logan's proposition
TO make the appropriation for tho edu-
CaGlOu OF the v0nth of <h;. oo,~<.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
Old Nicholas.

Representative Nicholas arose the
other day, and had addressed the speaker
preparatory to expounding the constitu-
ton, when representative Mike O'Billi-
gan assumed the perpendicular and ex-
claimed:
.Misther SPEAKER. and do we intind to
set here the whole session through and
listen to the nager?''
''Whut's de matter wild yersef?" de-
manded Nicholas, Use member OBJ
dis house, an I'se got a right ter de
f1o'.''
But ye haven't got a right to the
whole of it intoirly.o
''Yer'd better go an learn ter speak
Arkansaw fore yer tries ter gin 'strlc-
tons in dis 'sembledge.''
cts the same as English that I
spake and no mayer can stand forninst
me-
''Mr. Speechmaker, I arises ter 3
question OBJ pribiledge. Iwats ter know,
sab, eft de Cinnamon is gwine ter run dis
community. De udder day l got one oh
de gen 'lemen ter wash my shirt while I
staid in bed, an dat account fur de fack
dat l wasn't heah yestedy.''
0AAoA AL tuc SuAuamdu! exclaimed
Mike.
''Mr. Speechmaker, eff yer doan make
dat furriner keep his mouf shet, dar's
gWine ter be a season oh tribulation
hangin' round desc premises. When dat
shirt was fetched home. fOun' dat il
was wore out an wasn't fitten ter war.
NoW what [ wants is a law ter dr;bo
desc men Outen heah, ease den can
totch my wife heah ter wash de clothes
OBJ dis town.
''Misther SPEAKER, I hivin't said much
durin' dis session.
Eyer amt said nothin', but yer's
talked heap
DRY up, We charcoaled son of Africa.
l hivin't talked much, sor, and want
an appropriation for the Irish paple
that hiv suffered from the racent floods"
THE Irish people have not suffered
from the foods replied the speaker.
''You doubtless refer to the Germans. y
1T is myself that is thankful for the
correction, and l therefore move that
the sympathy av this house be extinded
to the German food sufferers and that
an appropriation be made to the Irish %
they can prepare thimsilves against the
floods
''Dat would be fine BILL" said old
Nicholas, IAN it jes' prubes what l ar
CUES dat q furriner amt got no right in
dis house."
"l'm as much av an American citizen
as yersilf, sor,' replied Mike.
mo yer amt. Where was yer
borned?''
I'm Ireland
II was born in Virginia an come ter
Arkansaw fore de wah.''
II come to this country whin was q
choild and am citizen jist as much as
yourself"
''rll prube dat yer amt. 1 could
scribe as president OBJ de Newnited
States, case Use native. Yersef was
horned away from home, an amt titled
ter de position OBJ president, conse-
quently Use de most citizen. Go study
de consultation. Go away somewhat
an shut yer mouf.''
Mike turned to make an effective re-
ply, but the house adjourned. -Arkan-
saaO lraveler.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
1 Cheap Substitute For Birthday Party

A Oheap Substitute For Birthday Party,
Mrs. Moses Schaumburg mentioned
to her husband that she was going to
get up little birthday party for Isaac,
their youngest son, but Nose objected
strongly, as it wonld cost too much
money, for cake. etc.
But" demonstrated Mrs. Schaum-
burg, Il have promised dot little poy,
Isaac, makes him some fun on his
birthday
dot wash all right" replied Nose,
putting his finger to his nose. and wink
Ing very slyly at Mrs. Schaumburg. Il
tells you, Rebecca, how we makes dot
little boy Isaac much happiness mitout
any expenshes at all. You know dot
poy Isaac every night takes dose of
dot vermifuge for worms, but he likes
dot vermifuge not Now I tells you vat
We does NIT dot poy Isaac to celebrate
his birthday NIT. On his birthday we
gives him dot vermifuge not, and den
be wash better pleashed as if he had q
barty vat cost dollar and half for cakes
and dose udder foolishness. ~ 0.
Times
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
New Iron Bridge over the Yasoo River.

New Iron Bridge over the Yasoo River.
The Memphis, Vicksburg, and New
Orleans, or what is better known as the
Wilson line of railroads, is now build
ing quite a large iron bridge over the
AGO River, some twelve miles above
Vicksburg, Tenn. The construction of
the piers for the bridge has been vigor-
ously prosecuted for sometime past.
The point selected is unusually difficult
and expensive for the construction of q
bridge, as there is no bedrock or other
material within reach for the founda-
tons to rest upon, and the river, even
&C low water. is nearly 40 feet deep.
The bridge will consist of three spans
about 800 feet long each, two of them
fixed spans, and the third, draw span,
located in the middle of the channel.
These will be some feet above the
level OF extreme high water and slight
~ above the elevation of the banks on
either side. There will be five piers,
one at each end on the bank and three
in the river. To obtain the requisite
supporting capacity, piles-1OO in the
pivot and az in each of the other two
channel piers ARE driven to q depth of
40 feet into the river bottom. The out
fit to drive these piles consists of a reg
ular pile driver engine, with 1000
pound hammer, Skinner steam ham
mer weighing Z. 900 pounds, and large
duplex Worthington pump to supply a
water jet, when this can be used in
place of driving, or to assist the latter.
When the jet can be used to advantage,
pipaR are 60 arranged that one OF moro
powerful jets are brought into play at
the point of the pile, excavating hole
for the latter to sink into. The caisson
for the first pier is SO feet in diameter,
with sides 2 feet thick and s feet high;
the roof consists Of solid timber and is
z feet thick.
The piers, when complete, will con-
sist of piles sawed off level with the bot
tom of the river. Surrounding these is
solid platform, (the roof of the Gals
sony of timber z feet thick, on which
will rest the piers proper, which will be
one continuous mass of concrete. The
cost of the entire structure is estimated
at from $225.O00 to $3.50, 0OO.-Scien-
tifc american.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
Monkey Shines.

There are no animals about which 90
many stories have been told as the mon
key. All the tricks and rascalities of
the animal kingdom have been laid at
his door. The Englishman who wrote
to his correspondent in Rio Janiero to
send him two hundred varieties of the
monkey plant, and consequently re-
ceived word from his correspondent
that he had received and shipped 173
varieties of monkeys, and could procure
no more, was probably thinking of their
many plumbers and tricks when he him
self committed the blunder that cost him
so dear. Most of the stories are based
on the monkeys power of imitation.
A Spanish mule-driver once invested
his scant earnings in purchasing num-
Der of red woven caps, which form the
crown OF the turban worn throughout
Turkey and Africa, and set out to make
his fortune in the interior. He started
before sunrise, and when the heat of the
day came on lay down to sleep beneath
tree in wood. Taking off his hat he
opened his valise, and, putting on red
cap, was soon asleep. When the sun
was low in the horizon he awoke, and
to his horror saw the trees filed with
monkeys in red caps. They had seen
the Spaniard put on the red cap before
going to sleep, and followed his exam
pie. The poor Spaniard, with all the
gesticulation peculiar to. his country,
cursed his hard fate, stamped his foot
in anger, and tore off his red cap and
threw it on the ground, when blessed
and unexpected result, all the monkeys
followed his example. He picked up
his hats and moved on.
When the smallpox once ragged in
South America, and broke out with vio-
lence among the monkeys, cunning
French physician secured an old ba-,
boon, and in his presence slowly vacci-
mated young monkey on the feshy
part of the forearm. He used pro-
tected lancet, so that the wound could
only be made Of q certain depth, and,
retiring, soon had the pleasure Of seeing
the old baboon vaccinate another mon
key as carefully as he had done.
One evidence offered that monkeys
are akin to human beings is the fact
that they seem to be terribly afraid Of
the dark. So when the showmen have
occasion to use them in an evening per-
Torrance, and wish to stop their chat
tering and noise, they place lighted
candle in their midst and they squat
around it and wink and blink as quietly
as though they were rejecting on the
origin Of light.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
Mud Baths.

Here in Austria they excayate q
marsh where decaying vegetable mold
and water is in abundance, cart it to
the lighthouses, grind it in mill, and
pass it into large tank, where it is
mixed with water and heated by steam.
From the tank it is drawn off into port
able bath-tubs, where it is again mixed,
more water added, and the temperature
brought to the desired grade. Then it
is wheeled into the bathroom, and the
unfortunate bather plunges into black
bad-smelling mixture, where he remains
from twenty minutes to half an hour,
when he steps into second tub, full of
pure water, to cleanse himself The
mud is too precious to be wasted, so af-
ter being used it is deposited in great
heap, where it is said to remain for ten
years before it will be fit for use Sec
ond time. These heaps remind one in
more ways than one of those. which the
dairy farmer accumulates behind his
constable. The mud bath is popular
" believed to be very beneficial in all
cases veritable cure-all. The physi-
clans questioned on the subject were I'M
willing to commit themselves as to it's
indications and effects, except in the
case Of hypochondriacs, with one ex-
ception, and he said where poultice
for the whole body was necessary, he
knew Of no more convenient method of
applying it.
None the less, hygienic advantages Of
the mud-bath are no novelty to the
frontiersman. The Indians always re-
sort to this mode of deriving sanitary
benefit from the hot springs that abound
in the Rocky Mountains, and even to-
day at Wagon Wheel Gap, in Colorado,
or the Hot Springs at Las Vegas, N. NJ,
the guests of the magnificent hotels that
have been erected at these sanitariums
may see whole families of the Utes wal
lowing in the mire only a few yards be-
low the luxnriant bath houses patron
lied by the pale-faces. The savages, big
and little, appear to get sanitation and
satisfaction out Of the mud treatment in
quite as great degree as their civilized
brethren.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
The Confusion Caused BY Ladies' Names.

The Confusion Caused BY Ladies' Names.
Why 1t was done we cannot say, but
quite number of the streets of Austin
have been named after females. Such
names as Emma, Laura, Isabella, stare
at you in large letters from almost every
corner. The Austin people, or some Of
them, at least, have become torerably
familiar with Maria, Jane, Susan and
the rest, but strangers are liable to be-
come bewildered by this singular no
menclature.
A gentleman from Dallas, who had
only few hours to spend in our city,
wished to take a look at the new Capt.
tol. and not knowing where is was, he
made inquiry of the first man he met.
''Can you tell me how can find the
new temporary Capitol"
chats easy enough. Are you famil-
liar with Emma streetp'
II am not. have no acquaintance
with any lady of that name. There is
family by that name in Dallas, but I
am not acquainted with them. Does
Emma Street live near the new Capt.
tolp''
The Austin man stared at the strang-
er for moment, and then pointing
down Magnolia avenue, he said:
''You see where Maria comes into the
avenuep''
The Dallas man looked in the direc-
ton pointed out, and perceiving fat
old negro woman with big basket on
her arm nodded his head in assent,
swell. you must take Maria until you
get to the corner of Elizabeth. and until
Peggy and Sarah come together, and
then you will be all right"
''Look here, my friend. if you think I
am that kind of man because come
from Dallas you are most confoundedly
of. want you to understand that l
am gentleman"
you dog-gasted idiotr' retorted the
Austin man. If / was as bad off for
brains as you are would bore a hole
in my empty skull and hire a niger to
pour in ten cents worth of cheap oleo-
margarine"
The Dallas man shook his fist at the
native. and said:
''I've always heard that the State
Lunatic Asylum was too small to ac-
commodate all the lunatics, but now l
know it, and he moved off toward
Etmeralds, while the other party lean
ed up against the corner Of Ann and
Matilda and glared after him as he dis
appeared in the direction of Martina
Texas SiftinQs.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
Hans Wager Visits this Opera Festival,

Hans Wager Visits tbs Opera Festival.
Herr Hans Yager went to the Opera
Festival last night. He went on foot
and an admission ticket presented him
by a friend. Hans being more of
philosopher than musician, never saw
an opera before, much less a grand one.
But, Notwithstanding the grandeur of
ia Traviata, . as given by the grandest
company and in the grandest hall on
earth, he was not happy.
Il understand you was at the grand
opera last night, Mr.. Yager?''
Dot singin' show you means, eh?''
Eyes, the grand operain Music Hall !"
eyes, pellet vas been dere, aber
OUT | got him to ofer agin do l stay to
home''
''Ah! Why is that, Mr.. Yager?''
'Vell, tells you. It vas nodings
but dream pisiness fon der end to der
beginnin'.''
eyes, you speak truly; it appears as
a grand and heavenly dream. A person
when there, scarcely knows whether he
is standing on his head or his feet, 50
greatly carried away is he with the grand
music, singing and acting
AOu uOu u huOW Jul you vas Stdulu
on your headt or feed,rehp l knows vat
vas standin' on; Ivas standin' on mein
feed; and I don'd vas carried away
neider. Wished l vas CARRIED away to
a lager bier saloon hundert times.''
"Why, how was thAtp Didn't you
enjoy the opera?'
''Yell, tells you, mein friendt. how
dot vas. You see l got me to)lar dick
eta whole tollar dicket, and ven got
in der hall, I gone me sead set down
on und purity soon gwick dere comes
leedle squird Teller NIT ribbon on him,
and he say me, "Dot sead vas token?
Und when say, i could schmile it was
token; wasn't pig genough to token
it?' he say, Dot sead belongs to dis
shentlemen, What he COTS MT him. Und
den when l him ask, How do dose gone
when I pays mein tollarp' he say, You
must got a schtand-up sead for Elm toll
lar Den gotme up and look me all
der moosic hall aroundt and don'd can'd
see no schtand up seads. Und when I
ask him, Where vas dem schtand up
seads?' he say, up aginst der vail
Und when / say, Dot vas hellum
pisiness; you drinks I vas circus and
gan aginst der vail setp" der peoples all
laff and he said, i must got you ar
rested ouf you don't gone oud.' Und
when got me mad and say, Pull down
your west up he gall a bolicemans,
and don'd want to schtop der show and
I gone me oud behindt der seads and
schtand up NIT more as a hundert more
FOOLS.
''Well, Mr.. Yager, l had to stand too
But wasn't it grand afair-wasn't the
orchestra and singing grandp''
''Vell, tells you; OUT it vas grandt,
don'd see it: and got me mad all der
dimes nit dot band man what sets in der
middle and makes up and down NIT dot
schtick and don't blay on any horn. He
tries to beat der pand and der pand tries
to beat him; and dot singin' don'd got
no 'Wacht am Rhine in him, and dem
singers make so mooch noise like hun
dert and fifty Tom gats when dey vas
serenadin' vone Molly gat. It vas all
like Tom gat dream to me and l got
me oud und gone in lager bier saloon -
--Keaatucky State Journal.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
The Lime-K;ln Olnb.

There was a sort of sorrowful look on
every face except that OF Sandwich
Smiths as the triangle sounded the call
to order. 1t could easily be seen that
some sad event had left its imprint on
various minds. The President came in
later than usual, and those who regard
ed him closely noticed that the dye
was wearing of his hair in spots, and
that his overcoat pockets were turned
wrong side out He took his accustom-
ed place, motioned to Jewsharp John
son to cease chewing at the half Of raw
turnip, and then said:
''Why dis blanket of sadness upon us
dis evenin'? What has discurred to
kiver US wild dis bed-spread of sorrow7'
Tears started from the eyes of Way
down Beebe, and Giveadam Jones laid
his head over upon Trustee Pullback
and looked as solemn as mule who had
kicked at q street-car driver and missed
with both feet.
''Whar' am Pickles Smith to-nightp"
resumed the President. Oats de key
note to our sadness. De odder day his
wife sent out invitashuns fur card
party. She invited only de cream of So
ciety, calkerlatin' upon recherche af-
fair. On de bill of fare fur luncheon
was cheese and halibut. Desc articles
war ordered at a grocery in due seazun
an paid fur wild spot cash. As dey
had not reached de house at Z o'clock
Mrs. Smith buttoned on her bonnet an
ran ober to de grocery to know de res
son why. Blinded by de snow an
thinking only of her party, she ran
ober an iron fence, knocking down
thirteen feet of it, an bein' so stunned
by de collishum dat she laid dar' fur
half an hour. In dis emergency her
hands, feet an ears war frost-bitten,
an muffin but de TACK dat she happened
to keep her mouf shut saved her prec-
ious life
Here Elder Toots cried like baby
with the collie, and the hard-hearted
Sinful Perkins was seen blowing his
nose on blue wooden mitten in man
ner to indicate that the cornerstone of
his feelings had been knocked out Of
plumb.
s.Her life was spar'd,'' continued
Brother Gardner, s'but oh! dem FROST
bites! She lies dar' on her cottage bed
stead, which nebber cost less dan TO-
dollars cash down, hands tied up in
rags, ears keerfully protected by rolls
of cotton batting, an feet encased in
stockin's which ! estimate cost forty
cents a pair in de dead Of summer.
Pickles Smith am not heah. He am
home, huntin' up wood fur de stove an
feelin' glad dat his misfortune am no
wuss. Our sympathies 60 ont fur her
an fur him, an feel shuah dat each
one Of us will stan ready to put our
hands in our pockets il dar am need 81
it an haul out sum Of money rangin'
from ten cents to half q dollar.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07

The average daily pay Of member
Of Congress is $3.50. There are an
average Of twenty five Senators absent
daily, and that Is $40 day paid to
mon to attend to their own private BUSH
nesse $40 . day paid to men to 90 to
their homes and lobby for their re-elec-
ton. Some day the people will put 8
stop TO this mode Of drawing money
lkom the Treasury. :.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
A Oentenarian Who Ohews and Drinks.

Putnam county, Missouri, brags of
having a venerable patriarch who is old
enough to remember the stirring events
of 1776. His name is James Williams,
and he lives on the Big Medicine, in
Madison township, in that county. He
will be Ill years old on his next birth
day, which is near at hand. He is q
native of Tennessee. He lives with his
grandson, surrounded by his great
grandchildren. He owns to drinking
liquor, is constant chewer of the weed,
but never smokes. He has ten daughters
and one son. Uncle Joe Williams, his
tenth child, and only son, whose head is
silvered by age, is one of the rich stock
raisers of that county.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07
The Girls.
Hear the laughter of the girls
nv, Pretty girls:

Hear the laughter of the girls
Pretty girls:
what fund of merriment each ruby lip I'M
How they chatter chatter, chatter,
In the balmy air of night
While the stars that ever-spatter
All the heavens hear their clatter
In soft and mild delight
Keeping time, time, time
In sOrter-kinder rhyme,
10 the Naturalization that, unceasing, ever
purls
From the girls, girls, girls, girls,
Girls, girls, girls
From the wild, capricious, saucy, jaunty girls.
See the flirting of the girls
Radiant girls;
How the softened brain of lover wildly whirls
Through the mazes of the ball.
Up and down the stately hall,
How he skippeth to and fro,
And perspires.
Would that we could tell the idiot all we know
OF the fires
Into which the false one hurs
Each new victim-see the 1ame-how it swirls,
How it curls,
How 1t curls;
Better far that they were churls
Than fall victim to the girls;
To the prattle and the rattle
OF the girls, girls girls,
OF the girls, girls, girls, girls
Girls, girls, girls
TO the sack1ng and heart racking of the girls.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07

Flour goes from Minnesota to Europe
insured Ill the way through under ono
policy. 6.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07

nnT And send it with nineteen green
W |stamps, and we will send one sample
set of six new style MYRTLE triple
cIslver.plated tea spoons. Contain no
HID brass, warranted genuine, equal in ~
pearance to % spoons. Guai anteed
nIlT to please, OF money refunded Only
Uu lone set sent to introduce. Agents
WANTED at good pay. Circulars free.
Address the manufacture SHAWMUT SILVER
PLATE co ssBromfsld st., Boston, Mass.
June e3
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-07

''Yes you may hope,' whispered
Maysel, half-laughing, half-crying. II
do care for you-more than alittle. y
The consul gave them his blessing.
cit was she herself who told me to
say she was engaged, > said he, patting
Maysel's head. ''Little puss! She is
always full of her mischief y
Il wanted to be revenged," said
Maysel. ''But have quite forgiven
nv false lover at last