News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-01-18

WHEN young ultll III l. o'''eoOAAAN
wants a wife he rides out and lassoes
one, but in this country when a girl
wants a husband and her fellow doesn't
come to time, the lass-sues him-for
breach of promise.
YOUNG noblemen are becoming numer-
ous on the London stock exchange. One
of them said recently that he felt like an
orchid in turnip field, and the noble
members are henceforth to be known as
"the orchid squad"
The st. Louis brewers are going to
start newspaper to be run III the IN
terest OF the business. The idea is, we
suppose, to make it such dry reading
that you must resort to beer to quench
your thirst. = Wilmington NeeOs.
PROFESSOR explaining the influence of
different densities of air on sound)-'H,
now, from here we should hear the steam
boat whistle down in the harbor, what
would we infer?" Bright junior Steam
boat coming in. - Yale Record.
A FAMILY HISTORY.
There was old Sam Simons
And young Sam Simons,
Old Sam Simons's son;
And young Sam Simons
Is still Sam Simons,
Though old Sam Simons is gone.
Boston Globe.
CAPTAIN Ito two soldiers practicing
with their rifes)- )-"Come, let me have
one of your rifles. You shoot wretch
edly." CHe shoots and misses.) ''There, "
he says, ''that's the way you shoot. ."
| (Shoots and misses again; to second SOL
dier:) ''And that's the way you shoot. "
CShoots again and hits) "And that's the
way shoot
A GENTLEMAN who had tarried late at
his club, found his wife awaiting his re-
turn in a high state of nervousness. She
said: e'Here I've been waiting and rock
ing in the chair till my head spins round
like a top" ''Jess so, wife, where I've
been,'' responded he; 81 guess it's in
the atmosphere.
A sCoToHHAN, having hired himself to
farmer, had cheese set down before
him. that he might help himself. After
some time the master said to him,
''Sandy, you take long time to break
fast" 'In troth, master, said Sandy,
ga cheese O this size is nae sac soon
eaten as We may think. :"
Two ACTORS recently shot at each
other in San Francisco. But both, SO
deeply was their stage training incor-
porated into their muscles, fired into the
air and fell down just like a play. Those
who heard the noise and rushed forward
to raise the supposed corpses were
greeted with the involuntary question
from each, SIS the curtain dowl4?" As
revolving crime, the affair was not
precisely q success.
WHEN he had called the meeting of
the Lime Kiln Club to order, Brother
Gardner arose and said: "Gen'lem, II 1t
wasn't for de wheels on a wagon Gle
WAGON wouldn't move. When de wheels
is on den what" "Grease y sOlemnly
exclaimed an old man. 'kerrect J
whispered the president, softly rubbing
his hands together. owe hez de wagon
an de wheels. We will now pass de hat
aroun' for de grease" "
A GENTLEMAN. who had taken the right
of shooting over a moor In Ayrshire at a
high rent. bagged only two brace the
first day. After counting the p1ce, ne
erumbIingly remarked to the tenant OF
fbo moor that the birds had cost him
two guineas the brace. The tenant very
innocently replied, ga weel, slr' ye may
be thankful ye had gotten sac le"
them: they're far too dear.
"IooK here" said the Governor to a
high State official, ''when are you gong
to pay me that ten dollars ?" Upon my
honor. Governor, don't know. "Why,
sir the other day, when mentioned the
fact of your Indebtedness, you asked me
where | would be Tuesday" Eyes, SIR.
"Well. wasn't that promise that you
would pay me Tuesday p 'No, sir"
"Whv. then, did you want to know
where I would be tuesday," because
7 wanted to know where you'd be so L
conId make arrangements to be some
where else. e."-ArkanSa1 Traveller.
A GOOD story is told of Lawrence
fireman in relation to his efforts to ring
t1e alarm on the occasion Of fire. He
rushed to where the key was kept and
hastened to the box. Opening 1t he
thrust his head into the box and yelled
with all his might, "Fire Fire III
George Connor's house" Three times
he yelled. until a passer-by came to his
rescue and pulling down the lever rang
in the alarm. 'DurIrit," remarked the
discomfted individual, 81 thought the
papers said we had telephone fire
alarm. but the thing don't work tina
way" and away he sped to the burning
building to do better execution.
'WHY, what is the matter with you
hands % asked the elder Miss Burnside
of Algernon Sellirk, who was making III
evening call. 81 was out this Afternoon
= taking little turn at the oars, rephe'
r Algernon, the athlete, "and the DAM
wind has chapped them" "Isnt 1t to-
I funny how you men will go out IN cold
stormy weather just for exercise, NILS
q Burnside girlishly remarked, and the
= she murmured in a getting-well-on-to
$ ward-thirty-year-old tone of voice. am
v gazing at her shapely weddingrlngles
fingers, 81 would like to have my ha,io
chap-ed." A few moments later the lIIs y,
it chapped her was ended.-Roehe&ter TX
press.