The Dallas weekly herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1885, 1883-05-03
FUNNYSRAhS.
Iuknew a poet hat sang offspring,

(SayS - myself SAYS ~,
I'd grab his muse and break ner WlnS,
Says to myself, says ~,
I'd chain bin down TO a Sake in the III VI: ,
Make him eat his meals through hole III th'
Till he swear to sing of spring no more,
(5ays to myself, says u.
One must get up early to beat carpet.
"Board wanted"-as the young lady Sale
when she came to mud puddle in the side
walk.
a fine fellow-the judge,-"Man wants
but little here below" If he has scolding
wife.
Marriage is lottery, but we nave moi
heard that love letters are denied the
privilege of the mails.
Many man who thinks himselfa person
of note is not so far out of the way. He
may be a natural or flat.
The poets have always sung of the charms
of. ountry life but who ever heard of can
ming mosquietoes for city use?
The modest young lady who "turned all
colors' has given up the business, owing to
the multiplicity OF new shades.
Oscar Wilde's recent statement that he
feeds on himself" reminds us that this is
about the right time a year for eatii G
green's.
If YOU ask a bald-headed man how he
would prefer to be upholstered, he'll likely
express desire for mo'-hair on the top Of
his head.
A man in Ohio has been in trance two
yea,s. Should he rouse up about the year
1900 he will be surprised to learn that the
ster-route trial No. 2 is still going on.
ELLA is better looking" remarked Mrs.
Brown with a smirk, but Lucy will get
married first" YES" chimed in her hus-
band, gimme Luci-fer matches every
time"
You ask what libel suit is. A libel
suit, my son, is where man paysa lawyer
$40 ,OOOin order to get ST. 900 out of another
man who thought the first man was a fool
and is now sure OF it.
Trained powers of observation: Art pro.
fessor-"You have seen the cathedral at
Florence with your own eyes. have not
been SO fortunate. What struck you as
most noteworthy in it?" Pupil-"A very
pretty English girl"
A Williamsport man went to bed the
other night with eyesight as good as any
man; when he awoke Re could not see the
least thing in the world. Come to think OF
it, however, it would take microscope to
do that.
Teacher" Can yon tell me which, is
the OIlhCIOTY organ uDli idbr W
answers, " No, sir.' Teacher" Correct"
Publ goes off in brown study.
A fellow must SOW his wild oats, you
know" exclaimed the old sdolescent John.
"Yes," replied Annie, 'butone shouldn't
begin sowing so soon after grading"
Professor Sattler, of Munich, has been
examining ancient things, and has arrived
at the conclusion that the present year is
1888 instead of 1888. 1t do; mt make much
difference to us TO have orr age increased
five years in twinkling, as it were, but 1t
is going to be mighty rough on actresses
who have been in their twenties for score
Of years.
There was good specimen of Americna
wit in the reply made by the old settler
who had lived in the CITY since it was a log
cabin or two, to the young man who was
putting him through a course OF interroga-
tories:
"You must have lived here long timer"
"Well, reckon"
"Why, how long since you came here2n
"Young man, said the old settler, seiZ-
ing the -questioner by the coat lapel, "do
you see that hill across the river (pointing
~ a Lofty peah)!'
YES said the other, 81 do"
"Well, kim here, sir, when that was
nothin' but hole in the ground"
A Cleveland paper says that John Senter,
of that city, shot himself on the South Side.
A man who can't come any nearer the CEN
ter than that had better practice,
A few days since quite number OF trav-
cling statesmen were sitting around the
bright fire OF Locust Groves best hotel,
when Mr.. Baldhead remarked:
"Smith, how is that girl Of yours gettin'
along now"
(which one?" asked Smith.
"The one you promised 10 marry, and
whose IA fred you oat OF the window"
At this all OF the boys laughed, as that
unpleasant incident was recalled 10 Smith.
That's all right" returned Smith, after
be could be heard, 81 may 20 10 zee girls
and get fired out by the old man, but I've
never yet called on yonng lady and had
10 20 back to the rack, get my hat and put
il on before she could recognize me"