Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1883-09-30
THE POLITICIAN,
As He Appears to Citizen Jake
Kempls.
sCHE TRAITS AND PECullARlTlES.
His Celebrated Speech Before the Guests
Assembled at the Last Banquet
Of the Old WsYerR
Bows.
sCuE TRAITS AND IRREGULARITIES

A. the last reunion and banquet OF
the old Waverly Literary Society Of
this city, the following toast was given
among others:
"ou 3oiticLans,"-
Which was responded to by Col. Jake
Kemple in the following characteristic
witty and humorous manner:
Listen TO the creaking Of the windmlls
the ~livel0pg day"
GENTLEMEN:-I feel tonight like a
January b%ill-coOl, but uncOlleeted.
Whilst pleased with your compliment,
/ quail on this toast. please don't
throw tho ice pitcher; l will. not repeat
that last remark.)
Our PoIttieiansy
NV heart CLOVIS hike a ~June-bug on q
mullen stock ut the mere mention of
this noble band of patriots. First in
cheek, first i'll talk and fir 1t in the beer
saloons of the country. The politician
is always enterprising and aggressive;
there is no sacrifice he Will not make,
including his best friends and their
money, to elevate mankind (he being
tie mankiud, kind TO himself into
office. The politician Is a patriot and
a martyr. The world has given
him the full need Of praise to which he
is entitled, but the coming generations,
more appreciativc of his merit, will EN-
| balm his name and deeds in the pages
OF history, poetry and song.
have known him to stand on a
chilly night and a store box for two
long hours talking against time, a brass
band, a torchlight procession AID the
odoriierous breathing of the noisy, ex-
cited, homogeneous multitude of citi-
zens, foreigners and candidates.
Leanderswam the HellespOnt, Column
bus discovered u glorious country,
Newton discovered gravitation, but the
politician discovered the lunch route
| system Of America. And yet, with all
this the dear people are not happy. The
politician is q versatile gentleman; he
| can be q minister or a minstrel just as
the occasion requires.
The politician,
like the Hand.0rgan.
in balmy spring time, is heard every
where in the land. They both come TO
please or attempt to please their hear
ers. His opinions, like miSs-ht cloth
ing, are made to suit all classes of GUS
! TONERS. With one simple twist OF his
law he can present all the various
Shades, phases and colOrs of the pOliti-
cal Kaleidoscope. For many years |
have known the politician and his ayO.
cation well, but not protitably. By this
tickle goddess, 1, like Moses OF old, have
led through the wilderness of hope, up
- ,-~nl D,Nt,nf nf M hitinn- va
permitted to gaze over into the prom.
ised land at Washington City. And
there on the mount, like Moses, l died.
and to this day no n knows where
my party will bury me.
have to some extent enjoyed the
friendship and confidence Of many OF
these great and good men, includirg
Noah Price and James G.. Blaine. The
reflection is sad; yes, sad as the lonely
oyster and water-soaked pound cake at
q church festival, that all or nearly all
of these pillars of our free institutions
will pass from mortality into immortal
ity, and he forgotten by all except their
creditors.
Gentlemen, you who possess Guilt
waited minds, broad ideas and eloquent
tongues, may go into r~hapsodies
e the dim vistas of time
or make these very walls to
vibrate, echo, re-echo and hurrah at
your
silVery ~Eloquence
on the moss-covered corridors of desti-
ny, but l can only take q partial squint
down tie dimly-Iighted back alleys OF
the past, through which l have trod-
den in my brief but brilliant career.
These byways were strewn all along
with obstacles to impede the progress
of 8 rising statesman, but | have risen.
] barred my breast and triumphsntly
plunged through the brick.bats, tin
cans, mud and ~billygoats Of party OPP
position and reached the broad thor
| oughfare paved with golden promises,
but / had only gotten a short distance
up the beautiful street, when l fell into
3 post hole, and | have been in the
hole ever since. My career, my achieve
ments are we'll known to you all. 1
went into politics several years ago
without a dollar. Witness my phenom-
email success. / haven't got q dollar
yet, and managed to get in debt in
the meantime. With no intention
of wOunding your feelings or rejecting
upon the humble stations you occupy
in life as lawyers, doctors, Journalists
and merchants, | feel it my duty to
say to You family that o of you can
ever hope to climb up and stand with
n foot on the pinnacle OfpoliticaI fine,
where | onc STOOD, but have recently
fallen from. / am done climbing and
sanding. 1t seems hard 10 have ones
greatness and usefulness blasted like a
peach tree in full bloom, but the frost
of 1881 cut me down and my political
greatness lies wilted worse than cab
bage plants beneath the scorchiug rays
of q June sum-. Aud now l, like tlat
other grand old Roman, Cincinnatus, |
will return to my plow (metsphorical-
ly), and until called again to save nv
country, l have but these favOrs u
ask a place in the hearts of my friends
and a home in this the model Repuh,
lie OF the world, modelled, revised and
improved by our politicians.