The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-09-01
Paragraph Fiend.
,rothers in law-Lawyers.

children.
Solomon said, "Go 70 the ant" but the
perverse youth of to day goes 10 h''
uncle"
There are two sides of the liquor drink
ing question, and 1t is best TO keep INT
LIQUOR on the outside
Statistics show that boy babies are more
ant to die than girl babies. Boys canno
stand continual hugglng, as girls can
There are different ways Of showing the
came kind of love. Women kiss wher
they meet and prize fighters shake hands
on drink no more" the young mar cried'
'Of brandy beer or rye
And as his sweetheart bowed her head
She echoed: mo, nor rye"
The latest agony IS for young lady &c
have dog to match her dress wed ike
to see crushed strawberry dog-in TACT
any kind of crushed dog.
Sarah" SAID teacher to one OF his
pup,ls,-"Sarah, can you give the dehni
tior of a skipper" mo, answered Sarah
but perhaps cheese mite"
Boston girls who got lost IN the woods
in the White Mountains the other day did
not cry, "Help!" but Three ladies in this
direction are in urgent need OF assistance.
Mr.. Arthur's party Is said to be I'm the
best of Spirits No doubt; and the same
kind of Spirits" Sitting Bull accused
John A. Logan and his committee Of be-
ing in.
A young miss Of sixteen asks what Is
the proper thing for her to do when she Is
serenaded by party OF gentlemen at
late hour. We are glad to be able to an
swer this question. Steal softly down
stairs aud unite the dog,
1t used to be the festive grasshopper, the
patato bug, the army worm and hog chol'
era; this year it is floods, earthquakes and
cyclones Men constantly need reminders
that they are not here to stay,
Out west the cellar is the place to 60 in
time of cyclone, and when man has a
barrel OF cider IN the cellar, It's surpris'
ing how many times day he thinks there
as cyclone comlng.-Boston Post
A rural bridegroom presented his wife
with broom, and told her when she wore
II out he would take her on tour. She
Immediately broke 1t over his head and
busted him with the heavy part. They
started for Niagara Falls next day.-Cht.
cago Herald
Kindly words can never perish,
Scowls and frowls are neer forgotten,
Never wrongs or insults cherish,
Evil thoughts are ill.bcgotten;
II the little ones should falter
Do not box their ears or yank 'em,
But 90 out and get halter,
Turn ZEN upside down and spank 'em.
gA young geq%,ISsmFanaat Ytrii Is good forms
TO hold bird with ones fingers while eat
ing it, If the bird" Is the regulation
watering place spring chicken, it Is good
form" enough, but poor policy. You
should brace yourself against something
and use both hands R0rhestey Post Err
press.
There are indications that the editor of
the Corpus Christi critic has been leaving
his paper IN the control OF a substitute,
and that the result was not satisfactory.
The critic is quoted: THAT short-legged,
knockkneed, box.ankled, pigeon toed,
bandy.shanked, hook-noscd, curly headed,
auburn haired, squinteyed, long cared,
open.lawed, hatchet-faced, physical dwarf,
but mental giant, who pro temmed for us
Saturday, availed.himsef Of the opportu-
mites offered to accuse us of all manner of
things" &c.
An editor In Chicago recently ordered
pair of trousers from the tailor On try
ing them on they proved to be several
inches too long. II being late on Saturday
night the tailor's shop was closed and the
editor took the trowsrrs to his wife, and
asked her to cut them off and hem them
over. The good lady, whose dinner had,
perhaps disagreed with her, brusquely re-
fused. The same result followed an appi. |
cation TO the wlfes eldest sister and the |
daughter. But before bedtime, the wife,
relenting, took the pants, and, cutting off !
six inches from the legs, hemmed them up |
nicely and restored them 70 the closet. |
Half an hour later, her daughter, taken
with conjunction for the uniihal conduct,
took the trousers, and, cutting off SIX inch.
es, hemmed and replaced them. Finally
the sister-in law telt the pangs of con-
science, and she, too, performed an addi-
tional surgical operation on the garment
When the editor appeared at breakfast on
Sunday morning the family thought a
Highland chiettaa had arrived. -Cent,iru
The tailor's apprentice, when commenc-
ing his trade finds there is truth in the
text that what man sews he shall also
p."-SOmerciHe Journal.
WHAT'S IN A NAME.
IN letters large upon he frame,
That visitors might see,
The painter placed his humble name:
"O'Callaghan McGee.
And from Beersheba TO Dan
The critics with nod
Exclaimed: This painting Irishman
Azores his native sod"
Ills stout hearts patriotic flame
There's naught on earth can auell;
lie takes no wild, romantic name
To make his pictures SELL"
The poets praised In sonnets neat
His stroke so bold and free;