Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1883-03-16
WIT AND HJMOR.

W.T. AND HUMOR.
Latin is "dcad langrage"-esp, cialy
when an inexperienced drug clerk fools with
it, --Je,sey City Journal.
An organst in church at Providence, r.
l., relieved the monotony of waiting for a
bclated bridal party by playing "Oh, dear
what can the matter Christian at
Work
The shcep-counting machine is in one sense
q failure. 1t counts everything that Jumps,
whether sheep or goat. 1t all gors. II does
not know oleomargarinc from butter.-N. q.
Picdyune.
II has Just been discovered that if cows
hlnd legs are tied together she can not kick
considering the antiquity Of cows, il is u rare
tribute TO the inventive faculty Of the aggre-
gate dairyman that this problem has been
solved thus carly In The Christian era Yon-
hers Gdzette.
a lloboken woman says her husband has
beaten her regularly once week for twenty
years. Too many married men arc over.
worked in this world, and ii they don't get
rest In the next, 1t will be pretty tough. A
man who has beaten his wife over 1000 times
IS certainly entitled to holilay-in iaii-
Aorristonn HeraM
Money will Influence most everyone. A
'a,her who can seldom awake his boy has
only to go to the foot of the s,aiis and whis-
per Get up Johnny, there has loeu u
snoWstOrm,' and three minutes later that
BOY is out on the street earning quarter for
shoVelllng off sidewalk. .-B0ston Globe
young physician informed pretty lady
patient, who was suffering from chronic sole
throat, that the only sure cure for ii was a
rcard. That's Of no interest 10 me-" She
replied, 1--WE got no beard" "Tiue," he
replied, CALAMITY, but YOU can use mine as
often as you want to-" They were mar
1ed few months later.-Br0oklyA Eagie.
The average age Of different men is put
down thus: Merchants 55, physicians and
lawyers SO, farmers G., clergy men Ga, and
great genuises IS. 1t will be observed from
T. he above that the journalistic profession
tends to longevity. .-Rochester Post Erpre.
Strange that people will try their eyes read
ing the thoughts of dead men, when 50 many
livc men are willing to tell them all there Is
TO- he known upon any and all subjects
Bostoa Transcript
Poo's, who had heard that preparations for
tunnellng under the Straits of Dover are
now being made, wants to know if they will
DO their blasting with Dov:r's powder
cincinnati SdtmtiHy Night
The Ilnwaiians like tic TELEPHONE ard
have 300 wires in the city Of Honolulu. 1t
is safe to suppose that dialogue. in that couu-
try mny lake in an occasional "Iiow-arc-
ye'" Instead of the regular "Ecllo - lo,reN
Courier.
\ missionary says he only saw one poem
illustrated in Fiji, and that was Nothing to
Wear. .'-7 The Judge.
There are so many informers in Ireland that
the people living there ought to kLow great
deal.-N"' Orleans Pieayuns
a corner in onions i. hard Thing TO make.
They give themselves away when gather
ed in any large quantity y.-Nes Ha0en Re9is-
TER.
1t may he illegal for aliens to hold and con-
vey real estate, but glimpse at the gar
mtnis of squad Of laborers will convince
one that they do all the same Yonkers Ga
sette.
Thank heaven :" exclaimed fond father,
as he paced the floor at midnight with his
howNng herr Thank heaven You are not
wins .-Nen York Commerci0l Iirer-
tiser.
fan cntcrprising chap in New York adver-
tlses that he is prepared to receive orders for
the composition Of dime novels. circus adver-
tisencnts and other extravagaut pieces OF
fiction. Ills lie abilities are not estimated
but they must be immense. NW7istorn
HeraM
BY what m,ans do spirits matcrialize:
Echo answers, Material lies" - Bo.toa
| Transcript,
The remains OF a man have been dug ou,
of the ruins of Pompeii, with both hands
resting on his stomach. The building in
which he was found is supposed to have been
a cheap restaurant. Boston Post
They are building tenement houses SO high
in New York that The man who occupies the
top floor is obliged TO start for home about
nine o'clock in the evening in order TO rcacu
his ed an bour after midnight -Norri.t0ien
Htraid,
The ingenious reporter who had gone to
see Savini's Othello was told by his editor
TO make two sticks" But there were
seven or eight" the young man ssid.-LJs.
you wouldn't take me for a married man,
would you?" asked normal student # u
Cortland girl last Sunday night. Il rather
think would, if you should ask me- was
the response. lie bought a ring next day.
Narration Indcpsndsnt.
Everything goes on smoothly among the
railrl men OF Greece. There is hut one
railroad in the country and that is only five
miles long. There is no cutting rates, and
, the biigsnd has no chance to become traiu
robber -Nen Orleans Picdyunt.
"What is woman's sphere ~ Seems just
, as If We had heard that oonundtum before.
Womans sphere, let lis here remark 1t, is as
broad as it is long, Ii you are woman you
can't got ont of 1t, and If You are u man YOU
are all the time getting mixed up with il
: Harg6rd Pest.
p A young man at Pottsvillc, Pa was ser.
, cnadiug his girl nt an open window, singing
tttr lNun t.,
. she came So quick it made his head swim,
She was leaning out Of the window, aut
: mislayng or losing her balance, she tell out
, onto his knee, knocking his nose on one side
mussing his shirt, breaking his guitar anC
two Of her iihs No young man should sinl
that song without having hammock slruua
up over his head. Exchange.
Little johnny had been to church and hcarc
= very obese rarsin On the way home he re
; marked: what n norful stomach thai
u preacher hal. Didn't seem right though, 10
Z him to git of that Joke" "What Joke" H.
= tcrposed his father "Why, don't yo,
y know returned Iohnny-"whcrc he pu
:, his hand on the part where his vest stuck out
y and said, man wants but little here below.
4. -Romc Sfntincl.
S We are told that the factories OF the Lam
% turn mt over two tons of hairpns daily, AM
S we believe 1t yes, sir, every hairpin of il
{ Why, man, not less than pound # hair
c pins is skewercd into the trcsses, udigenou
s and acquired, OF each female in the land
= children and Indians not taxed possibly eS
II ccptcd--and wherever woman has passed
h there may hairpins be found IS Thick as au
is tumual leaves which strew the brooks in Va
# lambrosa. Oh, YES, two tons of hairpius
e day doesn't begin TO account for the suppl
is on Land (or rather in head, not to speak q
1t the countless millions neglected and scatter
rs ed broadcast all over the county, B0stO