The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1883-03-30
The New Musical Critic.

The New Musical Critic.
The new musical critic of the Gran.
berry Clarion was agreat card. Nobody
who gazed upon his gossamer limbs, his
specialized orbs or the airline crease
which divided his hyacinthe locks into
equal sections on either side his bullying
brow, could doubt this for an instant
The managing editor, an earthly
| creature, however, had his doubts about
the ethereal young man; but as the
musical critic had come well recon-
mended. the managing editor stified lis
doubts and showed the young man his
desk.
The hrst job the young man was given
was to do the opera on the coming night.
He sailed forth in stunning evening
dress, with q full score under.his arm
and his heart bulging with melodious
anticipations.
Returning. and having finished his
critique. he took it to the managing
editor, who babe him sit down and read
the stuff aloud. The young mans soul
was terribly shocked that his splendid
composition should be called ''stuf."
However, he began, with as good grace
as he could under the circumstances, IS
follows: ~
1.-The tuneful sweetness of the macs
tro's chef T9urre was never Interpreted
with more engaging esprit de corps than
by the artists in this melodious aggrega-
ton. The chromatic tints were laid on
with q prodigality of fervor that
sublimated the appoggiatura and apoth-
eoslzed the contrapuntal tone-waves-"
"Hold upn' exclaimed the managing
editor, ''what do you mean by all that?"
'Mean!" CALCULATED the musical critic;
show do you suppose I know? I've
done work for the great dailies, and
nobody ever asked me what / meant.
Shall l go on?''
The managing editor nodded, and the
young man proceeded:
''And apotheosized the contrapuntal
tone-waves with dynamic expulsion. Sig
nora Screechowl, the primest prima dom
ma, was in her best voice, improved as it
was by a slightly catarrhal shading which
eradicated those incisive murmurs which
tickle only the ears of the amateur lover
of the warbling Muse. Her embonpoint
was gTandly effective. and no words can
hope to depict the cataclysmic effect of
her dolce far niente in the bravura pass
age in the seventeenth bar"
II don't catch on worth cent"
sadly murmured the managing editor;
"but as you have worked on the great
dailies, suppose it's all right"
The young man said Eyes" and went
on:
"Signor Macaroni, the tenore assoluta,
attacked with consummate aplomb. adj
vanced in column by division closed in
mass. and carried the works of the great
maestro by an adroit movement in eche-
lon."
"Was there battle scene in the
OPERA" innocently inquired the manag-
ing editor. '"%rz
Battle scener' exclaimed the young
man, contemptuously. mo. sir; no
battle other than the forceful conflict of
lyrical acoustics"
"Ahm said the managing editor, II
understand. Proceed" - 4. sI-s
"But the climax of mellifluous grand
eur was attained when Mile. LOtoni, the
ultra-contralto, entered the lists. The
coltish freshness of her tunefdl tongue
was something astounding in its oasta-
divan effects. The chiaroscuro of her
andante-adagio was complemented per-
fectly by the middle distance OF her
adagio-andante, and the two achieve
ments together coruscated through the
house with all the grace and witchery
of the gemini of astronomical -famili-
arity."
Il guess that will do" said the man
aging editor. Il don't care to hear any
more tonight. I'm not feeling very
well, and few more lines might set me
into a brain fever. Your critique is q
splendid one, the best ever heard-for
the kind. l shall put it all in.''
And he put it into the waste-basket
forthwith.
''Great Heavensr' exclaimed the Young
man. .'do you mean to say that you amt
a-going to print it?" lIia
That's about the size of it." was the
cool reply.
"But, look here" said the critic, i"you
don't know good thing when you see
it. I've worked those ideas into more
than twenty articles, and not one of 'em
was ever rejected before"
Nobody would understand aword of
it if printed it," ventured the editor.
"Of course they wouldn't eagerly
replied the critic; nobody ever under
stands what fellow writes about music.
That s the point"
1.-The point?'
"Yes; don't you see. you can use that
article lots of ways. BY the changes of
, word here and there, YOU have a first
rate art notice: then by adding few sem
ences and Transporting few more, you
nave a graphic account of a prize fight,
,r baseball game, or walking match,
,r great battle, patent-medicine puff.
,r an editorial on the tariff. There's no
end of the ways in which you can work
he thing up"
ITS a grand scheme" said the man
Jerry Clarion, m 'fraid. You ID bet
er take it to one of your great dailies;
md while you re about it, you d better
AXE yourself there. too. 1t would be
.ruel to compel you to hide your light
,eneath the bushel of a country news
PAPER. Go, my dear boy-it is best
We part at once. Adieu-farewell-be-
,oner'
And the musical critic gathered his
,ossamer limbs together and slid off into
he silent night.
The readers of the Cranberry Clarion
nav never know of the terrible calamity
which they so narrowly escaped, and the
managing editor will probably 60 down