Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-08-23
Female Fancies.

DIR. Mary Walker now pants for re-
venge.
The SWEETEST ladies of Wheeling, w.
Va, hire their diamonds.
Adam was not a polygamist, al
though in his day he married all the
women in the world.
Young man, read this to your girl ::
An analysis of drug store soda water
at Montreal showed it to be danger
ously impregrated with copper and
lead.
We are told that when Jacob kissed
Rachel he Gifted up his voice and
wept." The cause does not appear,
but perhaps Rachel had been eating
onions.
Lynchings are becoming so common
in the West that housewives are afraid
to leave their clothes-line out over
night. In the morning they might
find it a mile away with man hang
ing to the end.
Minnie Maddern is growing very
tall and very thin, so it is said. 1t will
be impossible for her ever to become
as thin as the play in which she APP
peared last winter.
''Never would call boy of mine
Alias said Mrs. Jones, of Hunts
vile, Ala, eff [ had a hundred to
name. Men by that name is allus cut
tin up capers. Here's Alias Thomp-
son, Alias Williams, Alias the Night
Hawk all been took up for steal
in'n
A country newspaper reporter visi-
ted Vassar College for the purpose of
getting the views of the young ladies
on the tariff question. To the very
first one he encountered he opened the
subject without circumlocution by re
marking: 81 suppose you girls go in
for protection?" eve did" she said,
with low, sweet gurgle, "but if
they're going to increase the tax on
chewing gum we're all free-traders.'
A girl at Long Branch speaks with
an acquired London accent. me
cawt, me cawt, at 5 o'clock" she sang
to the family coachman, in voice
loud enough for a veranda full of peo-
pie to hear. Caught what, miss?"
the man inquired. A repetition of the
order did not make him understand it,
and she had to say, lin plain American
pronunciation, though she lowered
her voice and stepped closer in doing
so: My cart, stupid; my village cart,
at o'clock"
The parasol question: Before mar
mo EEElvo11co 1,oa HoO1,oro ia ,o,1-
parasol hurt you?" ooh, no my dear.
1t would be a pleasure if it did" After
marriage Great heavens There was
never a woman under the sun that
knew how to carry a parasol without
scratching fellows eyes out" ''And
there never was a man that knew
enough tor+walk on the right side of a
woman with a parasol." F'There isn't
any right side to woman with par
asol.
II am SO alarmed, Lizzie" exclaim-
ed a st. Louis girl, who was engaged
to be married to a young army officer.
He hasn't written me in three days"
''There is no occasion to get excited:
he is out! of the reach of Indians,
there is no epidemic prevailing where
he is stationed, and when he last wrote
you he was in perfect health"
ooh, yes, [ know all that, Lizzie, :"
said the timid, agitated creature, 'but
then there's the army worm"
After Ksop: A bereaved female
maintained upon her premises a ban
tam that laid an egg every morning.
The B. T. not being we'll versed in
political economy, and, therefore, not
knowing that the rate of production
does not increase proportionately with
the increased amount of labor, thought
to herself: eff [ double that bantam's
allowance of oatmeal she will doubt
less lay twice a day" She tried the
scheme, and, much to her dismay, the
bird gave up the manufacture of eggs
entirely, but grew fat and did moth
ing outlay down all day long. 'Wel. :"
quoth the B. F., for eating purposes
[ prefer eggs to down, but a mattress
stuffed with eggs can't hold a candle
to feather bed [ think, after all, I
have taken my exit through the larger
extremity of the trombone" Moral
don't study political economy.