Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1883-06-29
The Pew as Seen From the Pulpit.

AS you preach the word, my dear young
brother, east your eyes around upon the
congregation and you will observe these
people, as follows, to-wit, namely, viz.
l. THE SLEEPER.-He viii be there.
Peradventure he laaneth his chin upon a
cane so that when the moment OF deep
aad profound slumber cometh upon him
his chin slippeth off and with the bang of
his head upon the pew in front OF him he
is awakened. Howbeit the bang upon his
wife's head no man can hear. Or, the
slumberer may sit bolt upright and nod in
time to his deep and regular breathing.
OnlY Ehen you cast your eyes upon him,
the watchful wife of his bosom stabs him
with her elbow, and no glareth upon the
congregation "a who should say: 'He
that asyest sleep, the same is a liar and
a villain and horse thief" Or, if it be
40 that he leaneth his head back until the
lid thereof falleth down between his
shoulders, and he playeth fantastic tunes
with his nose. insomuch that the boys in
the gallery make merry over the same.
then it is hazardous to awaken this slum-
berer right suddenly, because he dream
eth OF divers things and sayeth to the t.th.
ing man who. shaketh him up. Hay ? hi
ha ! yes, yes. all right, I'm up. And thus
lis the congregation much scandalized.
But Ii be f0ldeth his handkerchief over
the back of the pew in front, and boweth
his head devoutly upon the same, even in
that moment when the text is pronounced,
then will That sleeper trouble no one, but
will slumber sweetly on until the time of
the benediction and he will awaken re-
freshed and smiling, and he will extol the
sermon and magnify the preacher. He is
the old-timer from Sleepy Hollow.
II. THE LoUNaER.--He falls into the
pew and slides easily into the most COM
Portable corner. He shakes himself down
into comfortable attitude. His legs
extend under the pew in front and meet
bis alps at the crookedest of ebtuse angles.
He crooks his plant elbow into the arm
of the pew, and drops the side OF his face
into the fearful hollow of his hand, by
means of which he pushes his cheek up
into his eyes. His shoulders are nearly on
level with his head. Every time you
look at him you expect to see him slide out
Of sight. And although you are a good
man, sometimes you wish he would, and
never come up again.
III. THE FIDGET.-Whether you look
for him or not you know where he is He
pushes the hassock away with long res
onant groan of its own. Then he sits
bolt upright, hooks his shoulder blades
over the back of the pew, and hangs on.
He is going to sit still this Sunday if it
kills him. But the pew is too high, SO he
settles down little. Then he puts
hymn-hook between his back and the
pew. Then he leans forward and let's it
fall with o crash. Then he folds his
arms he half turns and lays one arm
along the back of The pew. Suddenly he
slides down and braces both knees
against the back of the pew in front. All,
that's comfort. 1t lasts ninety seconds,
when he abruptly straightens up, elevates
both arms and hooks his elbows over the
back of the pew. That isn't what he
wants, his legs are tired; he reaches for
the hassock with both feet, upsets it, and
in a frantic effort to stop it, kicks it
against the pew. Covered with burning
embarrassment he pulls out his watch
twice without looking at it. He folds his
arms across his breast, then he crosses
them behind his back; he thrusts his hands
into his pockets, he drops Bible on the
floor and puts his feet into his hat, and at
times you 10 TX to see him go all to pieces,
but be doesn't. He stays together and
comes back next Sunday, every limb and
joint of him.
w. The WATCHER.-His neck is fitted
on globe socket and turns clear around.
He sees everything that goes on. The
man who comes in late does not escape
| him, and it is vain for the tenor to think
he got that little note to the alto conveyed
between the leaves of the hymn-book un-
observed. The watcher saw it. He sees
the hole in the quarter that Elder Skinner
dropped in the plate. He sees that Daa