Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1883-09-02
EVE WORE BANGS.
Startling Revelations Of a Prsfss.
for OF Ancient History.
How Science Wrestles With Such Modern
Notions as the "crazY fringe
few Words by the Author
Of "AntedsluYian
Habiiments."

~ have called upon you, professor"
said the reporter, '..to.. learn If 1 can,
something about the natural history of
The bang"
al am at a loss to account for your re-
quest, young man, unless it be on the
ground that it is inspired by a spirit of
levity."
Nothing is further from my inten-
tons, 1 assure you. / am very anxious
to know all about the bang that I may
write a long, learned article upon the
subject"
~ do not apprehepd you. If you
consult the dictionary you will find
something of this nature-bang, a blow
= tbump; vulgar shake"
"Thank you. l had not thought to
be asked to shake by
So High an Authority
on things remote and hidden. But |
will shake with pleasure"
'Shakr is contraction tor shake
speare."
'"Ohm
"CertainIy. Then you go along in
the dictionary a step further and you
MISUNDERSTANDING large OF its
kind"
"Ah, that's it, professor. / have seen
some very large ones in the market. l
suppose anything loud of its kind would
apply equally we'll, eh:"
"Certainly-a bang is a loud noise.'
"No, no.; a bang is an arrangement
worn on the head. It's like a hustle,
you know, only it's round front and
higher up"
"Oh, oh! Yes, why, certainly. Now
| grasp your meaning. To be sure. l
know tie thing very well; | have sew.
eral specimens in my museum, only |
had forgotten the term. Know them !
Why | guess | do fungus idiOti-crazy
fringe. 1t grows III the banks OF the
Ganges in great profession.
when Eve Put on Her Fig-L.enf Dress
cut bias in the back, and with adouble
row of pig-weed insertion up and down
the front, as we autiquarians have
figured out-she accidentally got some
Of the fringe on the top of her head,
ard, struggling down into her eyes, ii
impsrted 9 peculiarly demoralizrd eX.
preston to her CO~uuteuance. Adam
isrcied it so much that she used to wear
it after that to please him, and so the
prsCtice was thus early instilled into the
female prO"enitOr of the race. Keep
this dark, though, for II is all coming
on. in my next work ON 'Antede'uvian
HabilimentS; or, Eden Restored y
heavy scientific work brought down t.
III. level Of ordinary comprehension
Then Eve was the first woman +"
wear Uaugs"'
''Ireriscly. have got that fact es.
tablished on n rock where ii can't roll
oil. ] can't stop I" give you all the
proofs. One Of the hest in phiIoiogy
lies in the origin of tie word furbc'Ow.
That
This Crazy Fringe
was essentially a furbelow goes without
saying. a glance shows that it hangs
80 fur-bclow the zenith of the forehead
as to cause remark and excite suspicion
rs to the wearer's sanity"
"Then this custom is by no means a
new One"!'
"Ncw. II is absolutely rank with
age. The Greek dandles and the 70
na dudes d;sportcd in them; the AZ.
syrian and Babylonian maidcns would
have them; the Egyptian Infants cried
for them, and no wellO.d.red house.
mold would he without them. In an
cicnt times on the whole, | think, men
wore their hair banged more than wo
men. Consult ancient coins and pr"
lures and especially read HOrace-not
Greeley, ! don't mean. | mean
lheOid Roman SlOb.
tie poet Horace. study sociology,
assiidIty and stupidity; read all !ur
dude dime novels and you will come to
the same conclusion TO which l have
arrived-that the custom of banging
tie hair has been the universal practice
of men, women and children of all ages
and in all conditions of servltudei IN a
word, that il il an ancient, tlme.hohOreu
and venerable practice worthy oi all
honor and respect"
"Ihere are several species of the
bang, arc there nOt?'
"There are umbahstien different
varieties. There is the l.angtry bang,
,o-called because it is only after q long
and persistent try that you can succeed
in adjusting il. There is the Montague
oapg-and heaven only knows the why
md wherefore Of that. | have puzzled
,yer it in vain. Why Montague rather
han Burton or Morton or Hills or Peter
Coz, er know not. OF one thing only
am sure it is the most superbly fool
.sh looking affair which
The Dear Things ECer Rugged
to their misunderstanding boHOms. il
.lOse out of an incOmprehensihle desire
% di>por; the mystic number 666 GfB Oh
| mr. forehcads, though what geomctrlr
| virtuo there is in that combination o.
| ipures more than another EIc'id falls
10 inform us. They are made of Il com
| posi,e of asphalt and hair and are pu
On the head with a damp dish rag
| Then there is the water waves species,
| suggestive Of lonely walks by the sea
shore. In fact, there are almost a.
| many v~arities as there are dear, insipid
| darlings to wear them. My friend,
Professor S%cornath, has made some in
tertsting experiments III tails direction
which may serve to instruct you. lie
| took twenty-five different specimens o.
| the bang-haired family OF the geniu-
homo and subjected the frontf fringe To
a test weight Of fifteen pounds. A.
| soon as the weight was applied nine
| teen out of the twenty-five apPendage-
| ruptured the hair-pins and came out
The rest remained firm, showing that,
| for some reason, there was a marked
| difference in the adhesive properly OF
Gang5. There now, can you make an
| article out oGthat? am always pleased
| to do what | can to make the public
wiser and happier, aud this certainly i,
greatly calculated to have that effect"
Boston Globe.