davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-11-05
Doctors AspDoCtrines.
Whataver Cruel Creeds may say, Truth
is Always Orthodox.

''Yon know the old saying, Doctor, U6t Tres
atedici, dR0 dthei,-where there are three doctors
there are two atheists laughed Rev. Apollo
Creamcheese, the other day, to his friend, DR..
SIENNA, who had dropped in for bit of talk.
"Yes, I've heard it, and III bet a box Of pills
against your dry inkstand that some priest said it,
They always pattered bad Latin when they had
bigger lie than common TO get rid off, answered
the doctor, lighting his gpe. Il tell you Dominic
you're way of when you think our profession is
not doing as good work in this world as yours is,
They've both been more n half barbarous for cen
turies, but we're several lengths ahead of you on
the home stretch" :"
'But, Doctor, said Mr.. Creamcheese, don't
yon think Your fraternity shows tendency TO
materialistic -:''
"Bah," interrupted DR.. SIENNA, tive show ten
dency to human charity and common sense. The
I've had a letter from my old friend, DIR. W. V.
HaddoX. of Pine liill. Alabama, saying that he is
using, with great success, PARKER'S TONIC in
his practice, and finds it the best thing for Coughs
Lung Kidney and Liver troubles. Dyspepsia,
Rheumatism, and so on. he ever struck; and an
other friend Of mine, DR.. j. j. Oatman, of Carroll
town, Pa. says substantially the same thing. He's
big specialist; too in chronic diseases, and he
knows what he is talking about every time
DIR. Senna's statements as to PARKER'S Toxic
are supported by genuine testimonials from Drs.
Haddox and 0atman who write TO Messrs HiscoX
& Co., of New York-the proprietors-in terms OF
the highest commendation concerning this great
restorative remedy; and letters from the profess
ion generally confirm the opinion of these physi-
clans. Price, SO cents and 81 per bottle.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-11-05
M. M. CORBETT.

A TToRNEY ATLAw, Solicitor in Chancery aud
III Notary Public, Abstracts, Loans and collee-
tons Ofiice, Bnford's Block, I'd avenue, over
Bakers Jewelry STORE. nov-2odly
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-11-05
consider what we really ought to wish

loT.
And that was the end of the matter.
1t really seemed as if the ring had
brought blessing into the house.
Granaries and barns were full to over
flowing, and in the course of a few
years the poor farmer became rich
and portly person, who worked with
his men aiield during the day, as if he,
too, had to earn his daily bread; but
after supper he liked to sit in his porch,
contented and comfortable, and return
the kindly greeting of the folks who
passed and wished him a respectful
good-evening.
So the years went by. Sometimes,
when they were alone, the farmers
wife would remind her husband OF the
magic ring, and suggest many plans.
But as he always answered that they
had plenty of time, and that the best
thoughts come last, she more and more
rarely mentioned the ring, and at last
the good woman ceased speaking OF it
altogether.
To be sure, the farmer looked at the
ring, and twirled it about as many as
twenty times a day; but he was very
careful never to wish.
After thirty or forty years had passed
away, and the farmer and his wife had
grown old and white-haired, and their
wish was still unasked, then was God
very good to them, and on the same
night they died peacefully and happily.
Weeping children and grandchildren
surrounded thet~o collins; and as one
wished to remove the ring from the
still hand as a remembrance, the Oldest
son said: s'Let our father take his ring
into the grave. There was always a
mystery about it; perhaps it was some
dear remembrance. Our mother, too,
so often looked at the ring-she may
have given it to him when they were
young.
So the old farmer was buried with
the ring, which had been supposed
to be a wish-ring, and was not; yet it
brought as much good fortune into the
house as heart could desire --A1paG
Eich6erg, in ST. Nicholas.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-11-05

Horace Greeley knew what he was talk
ing about when he made the following
observations; There is nothing easier
than to edit blackguard newspaper, and
nothing more difficult than to get up a
newspaper free from foulpess and black
guardism Fish women and bar room
loafers are skilled in the art of bandying
epithets and bespattering each other with
dirty words 1t requires no brains to do
this, but it does require both heart and
brains TO print a newspaper that a decent
man or woman can read without blush.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-11-05
Nrw Work.

NEW YORK, Nov. Opened
1a$ie higher and firm; trade only moder-
ate: No. j white nominal; No. 2 red Novem-
ber. s.. .0S2L6 al. 90; December, S1.l0l5@1. 10M !
January, 81 129s@i. .125s; February, Sl.1413
@li41s; May, Si.l9l5. Corn l4c better and
moderately active; mixed western spot, 54g
57I5c; future, ST. LG1591Ic. Oats a trifie bet
firmly held; moderate inquiry new extra,
$l2 a0613; pork quiet and unchanged; lard
duh and barely steady; steam rendered. s.. SO
St. Louis.
ST. LOUIS, Nov. -Wheat-Better, but
closed easy; No 2 red, 09sg@t0l5s cash;
l.10M, November; SLa31, December, !,
81 .01s1, bid year; Sl.N54@L LU43s, january;
sl.06L, bid February; 81 l0X May; No. 8
red, 05kM96c Corn-Higher and fairly ac-
tive; 4I94@ Il &c, cash: 441s@A4c, Novem-
Der; axe, December; 421sc, year; 4l1s@
42c, January; 44s4c, May. Oats-Higher and
firm: 26ss G126lSe, cash; 2Gl%, November; 2 q
@a716c, December, 2615c, bid year; 2e11sc, bid
January; S.Ac, May. Rye-Slow at 5l199
52c bid Barley-Quiet at 50@7Oc. Whisky
Steady at STA. Provisions-euiet; ouly
job trade Lard slow at S71719 bid.
Milwaukee.
MILWAUKEE. Nov. 3. -Wheat-Unsettled;
November 9lc. December 95Ssc, Jan
uary 9G9sc, May $1.44. Confirm
No. 2, 50@51c; rejected, 5079e
Oats = Higher: 2S1sc bid forNo. =
white. 321Sc delivered. Rye-Unchanged;
soc bid for No. /. Barley-Firm; No. 2
6Oc cash, 81 &c December extra, 521Sc.
Chicago Live stock.
UNION Stock YARDS, Nov. 3.-Markei
quiet and weak at 5tdl6e decline; light grade
selling at 81 40td4.s5 for common 70 choice
heavy mixed packing, 81. l5@4 40 for com
mon to fair. and 81 4jls54. 90 for fair TO choice
heavy shipping, $4. 45a5.60. Cattle-Dull but
steady; exports, Sc. 10d6 75; good to choice
S. 100000; common to fair, s4.O0tn53. l0
butchers, S. 15(13 IS; stoekeis, s.. f5GS.55
feeders, 50. 75(D4 25; Texans, S3.50@4.M
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
THE INTELLIGENT JURY.

A correspondent at Yazoo, Miss.
sends Us the following as illustrative of
one phase of the jury system
Two colored women, Mrs. Brown and
Mrs. Harris, living in the suburbs of
Yazoo City, had frequent quarrels over
a watermelon vine, which, having been
planted upon the property Of Mrs.
Harris, had grown through the divid-
ing fence and bid fair to soon "bloom
across the party walls"
In one Of the disputes, more fierce
than usual, Mrs. Brown tore the vine
up by the roots and threw it in the
face of her neighbor, who, becoming
exasperated, seized an Ak and split open
the head of her antagonist, killing her
instantly.
Mrs. Harris was arrested, and there
being no question as to the killing, the
only point was to determine as to a
verdict of murder or manslaughter.
Judge Graves, who was presiding,
took pains to explain most particularly
the difference between murder and
manslaughter, and that in this case
there had been nothing introduced to
show any generalization, and telling
the jury as plainly as consistent with
his Office to bring in a verdict of man
slaughter.
The twelve negroes composing the
jury retired, and, as was expected, al
most Immediately returned, and when
asked for their decision what was the
surprise to near mot guilty"
The Judge appeared no less surprised
than the rest, but the prisoner was dis
charged. AS the jury was leaving the
court room the Prosecuting Attorney
asked the foreman of the jury how they
could have possibly found such ver-
dict. and asking them if they did not
think Mrs. Harris killed Mrs. Brown,
and the Judge as good as told them to
bring in a verdict of manslaughter.
The intelligent juror replied that they
all knew the woman had killed her
friend, but the Judge said it could not
be murder, and he would like to know
chow it could be manslaughter when
dey was bof a woman?"
The lawyer had no more to say
Detroit Free Press.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
Il MISTAKE VAS MADE.

A young lady gave cher young man
beautifully worked pair of slippers, and
he acknowledged the present by sending
her his picture, incased in handsome
frame. He wrote note to send with it,
and at the same time replied angrily to
an oft-repeated dun for an unpaid-for
suit of clothes. He gave boy 10 cents
to deliver the package and notes, giving
explicit directions as to the destination
of each.
It was boy with freckled face, and
he discharged his errand in a manner
that should give him niche in the tenn
pie OF fame.
The young lady received a note inher
adored ones handwriting, and few to
her room to devour its contents. She
opened the missive with eager fingers,
and read:
I'm getting tired of your everlasting
attentions. The suit is about worn out
already. 1t never amounted to much,
anyway. Please go to thunder !"
And the tailor was stuck utterly dumb
when he opened parcel and discovered
the picture of his delinquent customer,
with a note that said
"When you gaze upon the features,
think how much I owe you"
When the unfortunate young man
called around that evening to receive the
happy acknowledgment of his sweet
heart, he was ostentatiously showed off
the steps by the young lady's father
San Francisco Chronicle.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
THE oLD-FAsHIoNED EDITOR.

We were grieved to hear the other
day of the death of one of Michigan's
jolliest pioneer editors almost the last
man Of q band who published weeklies
IN the State when q coonskin would
pay for column "ad," and three bush
els of corn dumped on the office floor
stood for years subscription. Never
a publisher was more liberal with his
space. It was hard work for him to
charge for anything except the tax list
and mortgage sales. and he measured
short even on them. One day in the
years gone by this paper copied an at
tack on county official, and old Mark
was doing at his desk when the injured
party stalked in and began:
"You are coward, sir-a - cow
ard!"
"Mebbe am" was the editors COM
placent reply.
"And I can lick you, sir-lick you out
of your wrinkled old boots!"
Il guess you could" answered Mark,
as he busted the wrapper of his only
exchange.
Il am going to write an article calling
you fool, liar, coward, cur, slanderer
and body-snatcher, and will go over to
Ionia and pay cents to have it pub
lished!"
"Hey?" queried the old man as he
wheeled around
eyes, I'll pay cents line to haveit
published"
"Say, let me tell you something, re-
piled Mark. I've got 200 more circu-
lation than the Banner, and I'll pub
lish your attack on me for cents
line and take it out in mill feed or corn
stalks! Don't trot over to Ionia when
you can help build up your town.
Mark would have published it word
for word, just as he said, and thrown in
a cut of horse OF a stump-puller free
gratis, but the official cooled off.-Er-
change.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
PRINTERS KRRORS.

Somebody writes as follows to the
Christian World, of London: "In your
last I saw what, I regret to say, is COM
mon to nearly every newspaper-more
than one correction of errata, aecompa-
MED with the remark (now stereotyped)
Printers error I trust may not be
considered presumptuous in saying a
word in defense of the now great army
OF fypographists, whose apparent igno-
rance is so frequently exposed in pub
lie. One error pointed out in your last
issue was that of a reverend gentleman
whose name had been printed Lemon
in-tead of 'Semon' If, in such case
a% this, the original copy were re-
ierred to, the capital letter would, no
doubt, be found written SO like an l.
That no compositor, unless he we're a
yc5itablo English directory to himself,
wou;d have been able to disting guish the
difference. More correct would it be to
ear, not printers error but authors
i!!egib;!ity' Some writer's literally
take Mark Twain's sarcastic advice,
Don't write too plainly. Avoid all
pain taking with proper names. We
l,row the full name of every man, wom-
an and child in the United States
Then, too, some Of our authors pander
20 the practice of quoting foreign
phrases. The writer's may know several
languages; but they ought not to ex-
rect that compositors are linguists, OF
that they have received a collegiate ed
rcation. Some have, by dint of their
own perseverance, acquired a knowledge
Of some of the living and the dead
tongues; but this ought not to be pre-
sumed. as a rule. If a Latin or French
quotation be misprinted, the ignorance
Of the printer is paraded before the
pubIic. It is not, sir. as you can testi-
fv, that the average printer cannot pro-
duce his authors mind; the fact is that
too many Of our gifted writer's cannot
write. They scribble; and what is usu-
ally of the greatest importance is in
dited in the proverbial 'spider-and-
ink style. Whatever be the subject of
his author, whether linguistical, scien-
tifc, argumentative, theological, polit-
ical, social or economical, the printer is
expected to understand it all; for, I'M
less he understand it, it may be full of
printers errors But, beside this, he
has often literally to translate, by te-
dious ciphering, the handwriting placed
before him, and this is sometimes az
difficult an art as to make out the hero
glyphics of Cleopatra's needle. Aword
to the wise is sufficient. That word,
Mr.. Editor, would respectfully sug
gest to authors, is: Hear the other
SIDE I will not trouble the compositor
with the Latin"
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
4 MEST4KE ABOUT EDITORS.

It is strange, but nevertheless true,
that there seems to be an impression
among the people that editors Of rural
journals live in two-story brown-front
dwellings, all futed up the back, with
fiounces three deep all around it and a
double row of buttons running diagon-
ally across the front. We write this to
inform them of their mistake. Editors,
especially those in Nebraska, are not
b,oated millionaires, fattening upon the
labors of the toiling millions, and
riding through the streets in an ebony
paneled tally-ho four-in-hand driven by
an Henglish coachman with cooked
hat, and attended by liveried servants
who anticipate their every wish and
perform with obsequious willingness
the imperious dictates of their auto
cratic will. The editors of the rural
press in the "Great American Desert"
are not that kind of hair-pins. That
kind don't thrive in this climate. Blue
TdIleu (Neb.1 Blade.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
THE DEM4HD FOR COMPETENT
PRINTERS.

We take the remarks printed below
from the Stereotyper. The room they
occupy will not be wasted If, by their
publication, one worker in our art be-
comes possessed with new ambition to
excel: There is a growing demand for
printers to take responsible positions,
as foremen, superintendents, etc, but
the reply to all such demands is that
the men fo' the places are difficult to
find. Skilled workmen there are in
various special kinds of work; but not
SO the men capable Of assuming the
direction Of the work of others in
manner to produce the best results.
The fault for this lies with the printers
themselves for the most part, because
they will not take the pains to learn
anything more than the kind of work
they are likely to be called upon 10 do.
Ask them to arrange al officQ so as to
best utilize the room and the facilities
at their command, and they will be
completely at sea. If they are called
upon to make a selection of materials
for new concern-or even for an old
one-they will fire at random and omit
numberless things that are of daily
necessity, and get others of little use.
Yet skill in these and thousand other
things is necessary to him who would
better his position and become anything
more than a journeyman. They are
only to be learned by constant and
intelligent observation of the successes
and errors of others, and a continual
study of various details outside the
routine of type-setting and machine
minding."
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
+" I am perfectly delighted" Grace an

A HSAASOUiy OCAASoAAoON, O1e~OO 1'14-
swered.
VIII you take little wedding gift
from me, as I have not yet presented you
with one?" Frank asked, meekly.
with pleasure, Grace answered, as
she extended her hand, expecting to re-
ceive jewel case.
But, instead of that, ponderous legal
document was produced, atwhich Grace
gazed in blank surprise.
Then Frank explained that, despite
Miss Prescott's kind interest in their
affairs, the fortune was not lost, as she
had made slight mistake in dates; and
his uncle's discernment in selecting SO
charming wife for him had made him
the happiest of men.
May Prescott's chagrin at the failure
of her conspiracy. and the delight of
Grace's parents at her good fortune can
easily be imagined.
Grace bore her partial defeat with
charming equanimity, as she was quite
convinced, by some mental process of
her own, that she had her husbands
love. So she was reconciled to the pos
session of fortune!
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
Sailors.

Sailors are sea-dogs that never bite,
because they are usually confined to
bar6s. They so to sea in ships, but
prefer schooners-whon on shore. A
sailor is an odd specimen OF humanity,
but nevertheless has his mates His
main business is handling ropes, nick
named lines. They are hard lines, but
the sailor always complains when he
comes to the ropes end"-perhaps be-
cause he has 10 Lack up to it. He is
fed on hard tack, and, being constantly
engaged on spars, is an unpleasant op-
ponent to tackle, especially as he usual
ly spars with yard-arms. The fact of
his being "piped to grog' illustrates
the tendency Of smokers to become
drinkers. Ever alert, he is q singularly
ignorant man for one living where ev-
erything is taut.
He differs from the sails upon which
he depends, as they are steadiest when
they are full-Detrojt Free Press.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
THEOLOGY IN THE oUARrEBs.

Now. rs of notion in my head dat when you conc
to die,
An STAN de Examination in de Cote House in de sv.
1oun be astonished at de questions do angels gxin
When he gifts you on de witness stan an pin YOU to
de fac's;
Cause he'll ak you mighty closely bout your doins
i'll the nights,
An de water1nillion queston's gwine to bodder vou
sight.
Den your eyes Il opSn wider den dey ebber done
befo,
When he chats you bout chicken scrape dat hap
pened long agoI
De argels on de picket line er long de Milky Way
Keeps watchin' what you're dribin' at an hearins
what you say.
No matter what you want to do no matter whar
you's gwine,
Dey's mighty APP to find it out am pass it long dc
line;
An ofn at de meetin', when you make fuss an
laugh,
Why, dey send de news a-kitin' by de golden telc-
graph;
Den de angel in lie oris, what's settin' by de gate,
Jes' reads de message wid look, an caps it on de
slate!
Den you better do your duty well, an keep your
conscience clear,
An keep lookin' straight ahead an watchin wnar
you steer;
Cause arter while de timeu come to journey from
de lam,
An deyI take you way up in de ar an put you on
de stan;
Den you'll hab to listen to de clerk an answer
mighty straight,
Eff you ebber spec to trabble froo de alapaser gate
Tile Century.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
COSTLY BUILDINGS

The English Builder gives the coss Oh
some of the recent buildings in Europe,
and they are nearly all cheap, by Amer
lean prices. The new Grand Opera House
at Paris, the greatest in the world, cost
S., GOO, 600; but even 80 trivial building
as the Masonic Temple, In New York,
opposite Booths Theater, containing a
few small halls, cost 81, 800, 900. The
French Government spent on the new
Paris Postofice Sc, 900; the United
States the s2me on the New York Post
Office, and S2,0SO,507 on the Boston
Federal building. The Hotel de Vile
in Paris was put up for 5000, 900; the
"new" Court House in New York cost
So, 000,000 to $13, 900, 600, one-third or
more stolen; and Philadelphia is rapidly
laying away the cost of the Partisan
building in the gigantic pile which is to
house its City Government. The British
House OF Parliament cost, many years
ago, SIT, $50, 600; the Capitol at Albany
viii cost more before the State finishes
it, and in its unfinished condition has
already cost large fraction of this sum.
The English Foreign Office, recently
Quilt, cost s., ,750, 900; the State Depart
ment at Washington, which is just now
approaching completion, cost in all
Sl,500,000, which is about equaled by
the State Capitols of two OF three States,
illinois and Cnnnecticl1t
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
Couldn't Borrow a Monkey Wrench
There.

Mr.. O'Hagan has a sheep-ranch on
the Medina. A stranger drove up to
his place the other day. The stranger
had broken some part of his wagon
and wanted to borrow q monkey
wrench. When the stranger shouted
"Hello!" Mrs. O'Hagan (NIr. O'Hagan
being from home) came out to the
fence.
"Wie gents. Dot vas a very fine
morning to-day. It vas a monkey
wrench I wanted to find, und dose
peoples at dot house pelow dold me al
ready dot you keeps a money-wrench." :"
Holy Moses! Kape a monkey.
ranch! Ye dirty spalpeen! Ye miser-
able, low-lifed blaggard, to be accusin'
dacent woman of kapin' an establish
ment av that character! A monkey
ranch is it yer lookin' for? Tn think
in, from your looks, that that's about
the kind of ranch you would feel at
home in. Get out av here, and If We
don't scatter dirt behind ye purity
quick it's an illiphant-ranch yell be
thinkin' We have struck and that the
Elephants are stampadin' over yer ugly
carcass l-TerGS jSifti11gs.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25

A YANKEE coachman was driving some
Englishmen about Boston recently, and,
at last, brought them to the monument
on Bunker Hill. "Ah, yes," said one
of the explorers, 81 believe this is the
place where We Englishmen gave you
Yankees a sound thrashing, isn't it "
The driver scratched his head and then
quietly replied: Sinister, can you tell
me who owns this parcel of ground at
the present time 2"
Daily globe., 1883-08-25
CONTRACT WORK.
Grading Elm street.
CFFICE CT THE BOARD OF PUBIIO WORKS, }
CITY OF ST. PAUL, Minn., Aug. 10th, 1853,

CfttCA CF THE BOARD OF PCBI1C WORKS,
CITY OF ST. PAUL, Minn., Aug. 20tb, 1853.
Sealed bids viii be received by the Board OF
Public Works III and for the corporation Of the
City of st. Paul, Mimi, at their Office in
said city until II M, on the Sd day of September,
A. D. 1883, for the grading of Elm street, from
Wilken street to the right of way of the Chicago,
Milw aukee & St Paul Railway company, in
saidcity, according to plans and specifications
on file in the Office of said Board.
A bond with at least two (2) suretiee, in a
sum of at least twenty (20) per cent OF the
gross amount bid must accompany each bid.
The said Board reserves the right to reject
any or all bids.
JOHN C. TERRY, President pro ten.
Official: r. L. GoRMAN,
Clerk Board of Public Works 239-243
Daily globe., 1883-08-25

An editor wrote headline, "A Hor-
rible Blunder," to go over a railroad
accident; but, though it was the printers
fault that it got over an account of
wedding, the editor was the man
thrashed all the same.
Daily globe., 1883-08-25

All cbio tors to said re-assessment must be
made IN wriJ'1 6 ard filed with the Clerk Of said
Board at Last ore Gay prior to said meeting
JOHN {. Jerry, President pro TEN.
Official: Il. l.. GoRNAN,
Clerk Board OF Public Works 235-237
Daily globe., 1883-08-25

IN snowy and blowy;
!nfreaEy, breezy, sneezy and wheezy;
I'm mad, glad and sad;
I'm hazardous and blizZardous:
LIN airy, hairy, fairy and scary;
I'm clnging, ringing and stinging:
I'm hOwl1ng, scow1ing md growing;
IN changy, rangy and NANCY; -;
I'm hOfT7d, tIaI1d and anti-torrid; x
I'm bilious, tedious and tough; IfS1
Tn terrible, tricky and arc %St
I'm fearless, cherries and rough; r.
I'm bad and nv name is March.