News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-02-22
HIS PA GOES SKATING.
said He Was Going to spread Himself, and
He Did.
LFrOn Peck's Snn.l


0h1llfls5 Iluh ttShcCl IlIG SIOC6IS IIlttL.
" Oh, everything broke him up" sal
the bad boy. "He is split up so m
buttons the top of his pants to his cola
button, like bicycle rider. Well, h
hadn business to have told me and m,
chUm that he used to be the best skate
in North America, when he was boy
He said he skated once from Albany t.
New York in an hour and eighty minutes
Me and my chUlm thought if pa was
| such a terror on skates we would get hin
to put on a pair of roller skates anG
enter him as the great unknown, an6
clean out the whole gang. We told pa
! that he must remember that roller skates
We're different from ice skates, and that
maybe he couldn't alate on theIn1-]~JA
he said it didn't mako any difference
what they were as long as they were
skates, and he would just paralyze the
whole crowd. So we got a pair Of big
roller skates for him, and while We were
strapping them on pa he looked at the
skaters glide around on the smooth
waxed floor Just as though they We're
CREASED. Then pa looked at the skates
on his feet, after they were fastened
sort Of forlorn-lille, the way hOrse-thief
does when they put shackles on his legs,
and I told him if he was afraid he
couldn't skate with them we would take
them off: but he said he would beat any
body there was there, or bust Il suspender.
"Then we Strengthened pa up and
pointed him toward the middle of the
room, and he said leggo, and We just
give him a little push to start him, and
he began to go. Well, by gosh, you'd a
dide to have seen pa try to stop. You
see, you can't stick in your heel and
stop, like you can on ice-skates, and pa
soon found that out, and he began to
turn sideways, and then he threw his
arms and walked on his heels, and he
lost his hat and his eyes began to stick
out, cause he was going right toward an
iron post. One arm caught the post,
and he circIed around at a few times, and
then he let go and began to fall ; and,
sir, he kept falling all across the room,
and everybody got out of the way except
girl, and pa grabbed her by the polo
naise like a drowning man grabs at a
straw, though there wasn't any straws
in her poIonaise as [ know of, but pa
Just pulled her along as though she was
done up in a shawl-strap, and his feet
went out from under him, and he struck
on his shoulders and kept a-going, with
the girl dragging along like bundle of
clothes. If pa had another pair of roller
skates on his shoulders, and casters on
his ears, he couldn't have slid along any
better. PA is a short, big man, and as
he was rolling along ON his back, he
looked like Il sofa with casters on being
pushed across a room by a girl. Finally,
pa came to the wall and had to stop, and
the girl fell right across him, with her
roller skates in his neck, and she called
him an old brute, and told him if he
didn't let go of her polonaise, she would
murder him.
"Just then my chum and me got there
and we amputated pa from the girl aud
lifted him 1lp, and [ told him for heavens
sake to let lis take off the skates, cause
he couldn't skate any more than a COW,
and pa was mad and said for us to let
him alone. and he could skate all right,
and we let go and he struck out again.
Well, sir, I am ashamed. An old man
like pa ought to know better than to be
a boy. This last time pa said he was
going to spread himself, and, if [ am any
Judge of big spread, he did spread him
self. Somehow the skates had got
turned around sideways on his feet. and
his feet got to going in different di-
rections, and pas feet were getting so
far apart that I thought [ would have
two pas, half the size, with one leg
apiece. [ tried to get him to take up a
collection of his legs, and get them both
in the same ward, but his arms flew
around and one hit me on the nose, and
[ thought if he wanted to strike the
best friend he had, he could run his own
legs hisself. When he began to sepa-
rate. [ could hear the bones crack; but
maybe it was his pants; but anyway he
came down to the floor like one of those
fellows in circus who spreads himself,
and he kept going, and finally he sur
rounded an iron post with his legs and
stopped and he looked pale, and the
proprietor of the rink told pa If he
wanted to give a flying perfor-
nance he would have to go to the gym
nasium. and he couldn't skate on his
shoulder any more, cause other skaters.
were afraid of him.
"Then pa said he would kick the liver
out of the proprietor of the rink, and
cot up and steadied himself, and then
he tried to kick the man. but his heel
went up to wonct and pa turned back
somersault and struck right on his vest
in front. [ guess it knocked the breath
out of him, for he didn't speak for few
minutes, and then he wanted to go home,
and we put him in street car and he
laid down on the hay and rode home.
Oh, the work we had to get pas clothes
off. He had cricks in his back, and
everywhere, and ma was away to one O
the neighbors, to look at the presents
and [ had to put Eniment on pa, and
made mistake and got bottle of fur
niture polish, and put it on pa an'
rubbed it in, and when ma came home
pa smelled like Il coffin at a CHART!
! funeral and ma said there was no wa,
of getting that varnish off pa until
wore off. Pa says holidays are a con
demned nuisance anyway. He will hav