The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-05-16
COMIC COMMENTS.

SOMiC OoMmENIS
As to rapid transit: The slowest mar
ever heard of was one who could not get onI
Of his own way.--Rome Sentinel
Pennsylvania piety: An old lady nea,
Reading wont let her husband visit that city
since she read in the Bible that g Reading
maketh d full man. ~ Grit.
"A slow coach A man in Bloomington
takes his family to church in a vehicle drawn
by an OK. That's one way to escape the
sermon.--Buriington Free Press
"A matter of language Its just as
Say, 't1'hose who indulge in Terpsichorean
recreation are under obligation to remuner-
ate the volinist - Boston Post.
Literary; "0tway, q dramatic poet Of
the first class, persisted with hunger" What
became of the third-class poets in 0tway's
day is not stated but they were probably
fired from mortar against stone WALL
No,visto@n Herald.
Hatred of hypocrisy "No, SIR" said
the gentleman 81 am not brutal in my
disposition and tastes; but hate hypocrisy
in man or beast, and il two dogs have
rooted antipathy for each other don't like
to see 'em conceal it "-Bost0a Pest.
No accounting for tastes: When
Brown, after eating dinner at the restau.
rant, asked the proprietor to charge it, the
latter said he should be glad to, but he kept
no books. keep no booksl" exclaimed
Brown. No." replied the other, "there
is no accounting for tastes, you know-at
least, not in this shop."-Boston Tran.
script
He wanted the 'lowance: A darkey
who had been owing one of our mercantile
firms for long time stepped into the store
and said: "Boss, / hears you is gwine
to give folks what owes you 'lowance."
Yes, yes how much do you want to pay2'
Don't wants ter pay muffin, boss-come ter
get de 'lowance-my wife wants shawl
HartaceH (Ga.) San.
Sharper than the razors edge: "Where
Is the Use of slandering the poor BARRIERS ~
remarked Henderson. "They are no more
laxative than other men. had haircut
and shave to-day and the barber did no,
utter word from first TO last" (which
goes to show, !" remarked Fogg," that even
barber may have some regard for his repu.
tation. "-Boston Transcript
-Circumlocution She was asked what
she thought of one of her neighbors of the
name of Jones, and with knowing look
replied: Why, don't like to say any
thing about my neighbors, but as to Mr.
Jones, sometimes / think, and then again ]
don't know, but after oil, rather guess he'll
turn ont TO be good deal such sort of man
as take him to be.r-San Francisco Nsaos
Letter.
Shaking Europe: A good story is told
about Mazzini. While the notorious Italian
agitator was in London he went out one day
with an English friend aud bought lot o.
rusty old swords and pistols. "What OF
earth are you going to do with them ?" asked
the Britisher. Nothing at ALL replied
Mazzini; "only when the police hear of m,
purchase kilograms will be sent everywher,
and not King or Queen will sleep quietl.
tonight" And the Italian ehuekled.
A dreadful dream: It was down a
Lancaster, Pa. The Major sat looking earn
eatly and affectionately at his friend
"Bob,p he said, presently, 81 dreamed
about you last night did you, ADJ
his friend replied, his eyes filling with tears
"Yes," said the Major. in neartless tones,
~ had the nightmare" And then the
sounds of two strong men g rastling under
the table were heard in the distance.
sagton Ha,okeye.
The late lamented Patrick al under
stand that your father is dead, Mike" said
an Arkansaw gentleman to an Irish friend.
Yes, sor, the old giutieman has left us. A
toine man, yer honor He could stand up
with the best of thin" =" / haven't seen
he old man since he moved away from here,
some three years ago Where was he living
when he died 2" ''He wasn't livin' any.
where when he dold, sor. He was dead
Thin ~ Arkdnsaao Irdoeler.
An anecdote of Mr.. Lincoln: "Old
Abe once replied to question early in the
war as TO how the Union reverses affected
him by saying: l feel very much like =
great stalwart Illinois neighbor of mine who
was out logging in his bare feet. A log
rolled over and crushed one of his big toes
before he could escape. All drawn up with
pain, he replied to question of how he was
with: "Well, I'm too big to cry, but il
hurts too bad to laugh. "-Boston Globe
A reliable contraband: Here, Sam,
Is note want you to hand to Mrs. Eaton
ing" said an Austin society man to Sam
Johnsing, colored "Yes, sah," answered
Sam, showing his worries. "And, mind
don't you whisper word to living SOUL
You may jess rest easy about dat ar, boss
Yesterday fetched dat same woman letter
from Colonel Percy Yerger. You can jess
rest easy about my openin' my mouf"-
Terds SJfngs
"A singular coincidence An Austin
youth has been paying his addresses to a
young lady, under the impression that she
sss wealthy. Finally she told him promptly
that the bank had failed, and that she was
penniless, after which his attentions slack
ened up. A few days ago she said to him /:
"Dear George, it seems to me that since
you found out am only poor girl you
have ceased to love me- You don't say
80 |" rejoined the candid youth "do you
know that the very same idea occurred to
msfD-- Texas Sysinas.
ss7 - 49, Ap--->---
An AWFUL AFFLrcTIox TOR ONE 80
gouNo.-A seven-year older, with the pun
mer's mark ON his brow, at dinner, asked his
mother what was in jar on the table
sPiskass, my son." was thereby. Then.
mamma, please pickle little one out for me-