The Arkansaw traveler., 1883-05-19
.F5y Ae dyk,s5sr T,a,s!sr. A BACHELORS KNoWLEDGE OF
 BABIES.
Bl J.A.w W.

Who can follow the Eossimer laks
 By N hich the man,kin feels hls way
 Out from the shores of unknown thought
 Into the thoughts os to-day -
 1, may seem quite unnatural to you, as well as to some of your readers. that l, q baehelor-fully confirmed in the faithz should have any knowledge of babies. To explain fully the source of the authority with which write, and to ease the minds of those who question my right to a knowledge of the subject. upon which l propose 10 speak. will be compelled to :. give away a little secret concerning myself. or rather my pas, history. which have never before breathed to any of your readers.
 Several years ago i, was my fortune or misfortune, as you choose to take II. to be-a baby myself.
 Yes. have bcen there and know how it is myself. have had the chicken-pox, measles, the slipper properly applied, the whooping cough, the croup. the gaps, the bold hives. the cucumber collie. and the thousand and one ills which attend on a graduation from the junior to the senior class in human experience.
 Warped by colie
 And we; by tears.
 punctnred by pins
 And tortured by fears.
 Who is there dare deny me the right of being learned on the baby question!
 The little animal in question belongs to the order mamalia. genus homo species, exceedingly various; but it is usually att tached to the same species. 10 which naturalists assign the screaming hyena and his equally musical cousin. of the feathered tribe, usually bap,ised Polly. Unlike any other geological specimen. this small animal is found disseminated through all the degrees of latitude and longitude. Still higher than the line of perpetual snow. and as low as the bot tom of the deepest mines inS Cornwall The ice-bound regions of the poles. as well as the par-boiling neighborhood of the equator. all furnish equally good soil for the production and subsequen: thrift of the animal in question. Certain peculiar. ities of soil and climate are necessary to the existence of mos, animals. bu, our baby is the true cosmopoli,e
 In regard to the origin of the species in question. written history gives but little light. The ancien, philosophers state that they have evidence that this species four ished six thousand years ago. The mod ern discoveries of Darwin k Co., only serve to muddle the mystery. There are philos- ophers who teach that baby originated from protoplasm. zoophyte. or some other horrid thing. and then is developed by natural selection. and finally perfected proximately from the monkey. My philosophy is far superior to that just mentioned, and l propose to teach you how It IS. Many years ago my nurse told me, in confidence, tha, these little beings were originally found in the po- tato patch and I have often heard my mother say that they were brought by angels in basket, and left on the door step. The very small difference in the facts as given in these two pieces of scientific history is not of sufficien, inn portance to warrant me in rejecting the theory; and when remember that these two domestic philosophers were older than was, and doubtless had more ex- perience in affairs of the world, l am led to accept their theory as the only true one and while the theory of evolution. and protopiasm and eternal fitness of things, and the mysterious concei,s of modern philosophers. may look well on paper. prefer to accept the poetic tradi- tions as recorded by my ancestors, and to cling closely to the potato patch or the angel-on-,he-door-ssep plan.
 Having now disposed of the origin of this species. shall now proceed to an examination of the species as we find it,
 It is always best. in describing an arti- cle, to have before us the most perfect specimen of the kind that can be ob- tained, the better to illustrate the sub ject- A sonowful experience, however has taught me never again to go ou, and hunt for a perfect baby. would, in the language of Shakespeare, tale unfold which would make each particular hair, etc.-but wont tell iI but leave your ! seaden to imagine why have so few | hairs upon my head to stand erect in | horror at the remembrance. The moment baby arnves upon our shores, he loudly proclaims himself king, and straighsway all concerned in- l stantly fall down upon their hnees in token of their obedience, and declare the most perfect loyalty to their new sovereign
 The government Is then formed, by | placing this bald-headed tyrant at the aue~ He ;x the xt,nr~nue had fro.x,