New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-08-29
WIT AND HUMoR.

1ne Oalrymen IN the vicinity OF New
York have started paper and its re-
Porters are already pumping everybody
they meet.-Phila. Ne,0s.
A woman's face is her fortune. If
mans face was his fortune we know of
several who would be richer than Van
derbilt Waterloo Observer.
''Kjaerlighodans' is Norwegian for
''love.' It's said the journalists of Gin
cinnati kjaerlighodans beer with an un-
dying kjaerlighodans.
An apOrOus swain who is counting q
girl and trying to please the old man at
the same time is said to be very par
ticker in his attentions.
''Whosoever shall smite thee on thy
right cheek turn to him the other Also"
When young lady follows this advice
it shows that she is smitten.
We are asked the question if water
does not sometimes intoxicate. 1t fire.
quently does. We have seen barrels that
were water-tight.
A boy says in his composition that
'Onions are the vegetables that make
you sick when you don't cat them your
self"
A man breathes eighteen times =
minute on the average, but the rapidity
with which he breathes after running
to catch a train has not yet been est
mated.
A man writes that DR.. Soandso, who
was convicted of attempting to poison
his wife, will be allowed another trial.
If he doesn't fetch her next time he mvst
be a poor doctor.
1t MAIDS a Kansas jury that has been
locked up ten days, fighting over MUIR
der case, to learn that the prisoner was
hanged by the mob the day they were
locked in.
Count: ''Don't you dance at all this
evening. madame?' 'Not till mid
night" "Why sop because to-day
is the anniversary of my husbands
death"
The unfortunate women who toll at
the sewing machine are confronted with
additional danger: When they get mad
at the machine it is certain to bring on q
hemmerage.
An Indiana woman applied for d.
vorce on the ground of extreme cruelty,
because her husband was continually
stealing her face powder to shine up his
big brass watch chain.
I A prominent physician says person
should never be walked up except when
there is urgent necessity for it. We will
pay some one we'll to translate this into
baby language.-Burlington Free Press.
An exchange says that earl Duffer-
in has been presented with the insignia
of the Order of Bath" which is very
neat way of stating that his lordship
has been presented with bar of fine
soap.
A commercial traveller just in from
Wisconsin says eight out of ten of the
young men there are so bow legged that
they have toput the ironing board across
their knees in order to make it possible
for their girls to sit on their laps.
An editor intimates that the ladies of
to-day are much stouter than they used
to be about twenty years ago. Well,
the ladies of to-day are twenty years
older; perhaps that has something to do
with it.
Light kids are fashionable. When
this is more generally known newspaper
reporters, in announcing the birth of
phenomenally large babies, may come
down to figures that are not so at vari-
ance with veracity.
s'Of course" said Mrs. Rubric, 'our
rector conducts the service in English,
but then it is just as grand and inspiring
as Latin; you can't understand word
he says you know Boston Tran
script.
There is grocer out West who is said
to be so mean that he was seen to catch
a fly off his counter, hold him up by the
hind legs and look in the cracks of his
feet, to see if he hadn't been stealing
some sugar. Somerville Journal
King Hubert, of Italy. would like TO
be reporter. Life is short, but there
are few thousand pencil pushers who
would willingly exchange places with
him. After his royal nibs had waited
week for two dollar assignment, he'd
want to WELD the scepter again.
At the London Fisheries Exhibition is
a mother-of-pearl suite of bedroom fur
niture, valued at 1900 guineas. We
have been fishing pretty often, but new
er caught one of these specimens of the
tinny tribe. Perhaps we didn't use the
right kind Of bait.
At the dog show two married people
quarrel in low voice. ''See here, Ade-
laide, haven't you got done treating me
like a dog?'' ''What! treat you like a
dog! Q, no. They give the dogs gold
medals and you don't meriteven an hon
orable mention!''
Francis D. Moulton has just returned
from Europe, and says he doesn't take
half the interest in agriculture that he
did, and that money is to be made
easier in other ways. He talks like a
man who has owned COW about three
days.-Boston Post.
Are French fats healthy? Yes, very.
Are the people in them healthy? No.
Why? They have to starve and 60 half
naked to pay the rent. Why are these
flats called French flats? To distinguish
them from American flats. What are
American flats? The people who live in
French flats.-Life.
| Somebody told young English no.
bleman that to be popular in Boston so
ciety he must profess to be very fond of
baked beans. And so, when he dined
at Mrs. Beaconstreet's, he said in
loud voice to the servant: ''Pass the
baked beans, please" There were none,
of course, and the hostess said she was
insulted.
Remember the Almo,'' was IA
nous Texan war cry during the war for
Texan independence. They have
thrilling cry something like it down at
the sea shore, remember the WAITER
or something Of that kind. You'll have
to hear it to appreciate it and under
stand what it means.
A Pittsburg preacher chose this text
from Isaiah: "For the bed is shorter
than that a man can stretch himself on
it, and the covering narrower than that
he can wrap himself i'm Every men,
Der of the congregation was certain he
was going to hear denunciation of life