The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1883-11-07
sCHLAUsENHEId ER's ALARMING
CLOCK.

There has been considerable excite
ment i'll Harlem concerning the arrest
of SchlausenheimeT upon the charge of
assaulting Officer DyOnisiOus O'Brien.
Bender, the butcher, relative of Sch
lausenheimer, has furnished me the fol-
lowing account of the affair. | trans
init it verbatim:
Now | CLAIM dot bluck vas simply
sOOccessful shtubbOrnness. und shtub-
bOrnness vas unsuccessful bluck. But
Pointer, de assurance achent, und mine
selef We get arguments up on dot
VOnce,
"A tisOpedient mOOle." says Pointer,
'vOt viii not shtir shtep, he vas shtub-
born, but prafe man vat will nefer gif
up de sheep, he vas blucky."
"Yes," says 1. che vas blucky-if he
soOcceeds. If he don't soOcceeds, den
he vast as pig-headet as a mOOle; und
dots VOt's de matter nit Schlausen-
heimer."
Now bluck vas a ferry gOOt ting to
haf, if it vas mixed NIT leedle gOm-
mon senses-abOut halef und halef.
Common senses mitOut bluck don't
nefer aggOmblishes only chust leetle;
but bluck mitOut common senses ag-
gOmblishes good teal doc much, und
ought to pc locked up NIT lunadics
asylum.
Veil, Schlausenheimer you know, he
chust geeps efeTytings nit himself yet.
He don't nefer told his wife something
abOud nOtings already.
Won day l says:
"SchlausenheimeT, maype it vas pet
ter If you told your wife efeTyting about
something's und something about eferyting.
Your wife vas your bartneT."
"Vell, she's got to pc silentlbaTtner," !"
says he.
"NOt doc SILENT" says 1. "Vomens
has some rights dot man vas pound to
exbect."
81 don't believe no such nonsense"
says Schlausenheimer, mot a pit. Dot
vas vOmen's riots dot vas, und of all
kinds of TiOts-visky riots, election
riots, under efery oder kind of riots
dem vOmen's riots was de vOTstest of
dem ALL"
Look here" says l, "dot's not a fair
arguments. because you tidn't bro
nOunce dot right. 1t wasn't ri-Ots-it
vas Ti-ets.
Den Schlausenheimer get mad.
''Ri-Ots or Ti-ets," says he, 81 wouldn't
haf it in mine house. L vas pound to
haf eferytings harmOniousness if | haf
to Dreak de prOOmshtick, und dot settles
Veil, didn't said noting more NIT
him, but L said NIT mineself, as walks
away:
sit vas gwite efitent nadure intented
dot Schlansedheimer should pecOme a
ferst glass itiOt, und Schlausenheimer
he don't got no OpehectiOns."
Veil, he puyed himself Won of dose
alarming CLOCKS, you know, VOt wakes
you out at fife O'CLOCK in de mornings.
He puts him nit de mandel-bieces dere-
on, und he goes NIT de pedt derein.
Mrs. Schlausenheimer she gets in de
mittle of de night up, und dot CLOCK vent
Off-vay off de mandel-pieces-Vhile Mrs.
Schlausenheimer vas by de next room
looking for a matches.
Schlansenheimer chumps up und he
knocked Mrs. Schlausenheimer town in
de mittle of his sleep.
He hit her on de headt of de shtairs,
und dey bot rolled to de potion tOged-
der town heels over backwards.
Mrs. Schlausenheimer, you know,
grabbed him py de tark, NIT de hair
from his headt, because Schlausenheim-
OF, he tinks, you see, dot she vas all de
times de bugulaT vOt he vas chust tream-
ing about coming to shteal his CLOCK at
five a. m. in de morning.
Ven dey got NIT de potion of the
shtairS de CLOCK struck Won und Schlau-
senheimer' he shtruck de odder Won.
1t vas de pOlices VOt runs NIT his Club
in to put de fire out baekl he hits Sch
lausenheimer pack again NIT his headt.
If he had any prains dot times dey
VOuldt come out. 1t vas a good ting
sometimes to pc apsent-minded; und
Schlausenheimer's mindt has been ap-
sent OfeT since he is porn.
Veil, he shust hit him Vonce; but it
vas sufficient und enough was as goOt
as a brieSt.
He knocked Schlausenheimer into de
mittle Of last week. He lOsed whole
weeks work by it uhd he is sick more as
a mont apout year afterwards.
Dot bOlices wouldn't took no excOOses; I;
but he took Schlausenheimer. He took
him so gwick you can say Chaek ROpi-
son NIT de shtatiOn houses.
Veil, de chudge of de shtatiOn-hOuse
he say: "VOt's de shaTgep"
dot bOlicemans vas aggrafatet, so he
SAYS: "Salt on bOlices."
Dechudge vas exaggerated, und he
says: Slime, fife tOllars."
Schlausenhetmer vas indignatet, und
he says: Oats fraudt und | Wouldn't
put up nit It,"
SO de ehudge gifts him fife tollars
more fine, for content mid de court.
Now, don't plane de chudge mine
self, because he called him superani-
matet Olt shpringheister, und he ought
to tOldt his wife all apOut it pefOre he
puts him NIT de mandel-pieces, und
dots de worse tings you cOuldt call de
chudge. anyway. You know yOt dot
shpringheisteT vas in Inklish? Veil,
dot means monkey chumping-ehaek-
up-a shtiek, ven you bulls him NIT a
shtTing.
Now, dots de way NIT Schlausenheim-
or. He .kidn't want TO lose his money, so
he loses his demper, und de chudge
found it-fife tollars abiece.
But if dot chudge couldt only find
Schlausenheimer fife tOllars efery times
vOt he loses his demper, in less as a
year dot ehudge yOuldt pc millionaire
-und Sehlausenheimer he YOuldt pc a
bOOr-hOuse.-The Continent.