The Hawaiian gazette., 1883-03-21
That Bad Boy Again.

what was tue nealth oHcer DOING over 10
your house this morning." said the grocery
man to the bad boy, as the youth was firing
frozen potatoes at the man who collected garb-
age in the alley.
80, they are searching for sewer gas and
such things, and they have got plumbers and
other society experts till you can't rest, and /
come away for fear they would find the sewer
gas and warm my jacket. Say, do you think
it is right, when anything smells awfully, to
always lay it to a boy?"
"Well, in nine cases out Of ten they would
hit it right, but what do you think is the
trouble over to your house, honest?"
"S-h-h Now don't breathe word of it to
a living soul, or l am dead boy. You see I
was over to the dairy fair at the exposition
building Saturday night, and when they were
breaking up, me and my chum helped to carry
boxes Of cheese aud firkins of butter, and Il
cheese man gave each Of us piece of Linn
berger cheese wrapped up in tin foil Sunday
morning / opened my piece, and it made me
tired. Oh, it was the awfulest smell / ever
heard Of, except the smell when they found :
tramp who hung himself in the woods on the
Whitefish Bay Road, and had been dead three
weeks. 1t was just like an old back number
funeral. Pa and ma were Just getting ready
to go to church, and l cut off a piece of
cheese and put it in the inside pocket of pas
vest, and put another in the lining of mas
mutt, and they went to church. went down
to church, too, and sat on a back seat with
my chum, looking just as pious as though l
was taking up collection. The church was
pretty warm, and by the time they got up to
sing the first hymn pas cheese began to smell a
match against mas cheese. Pa held one side
Of the hymn book and ma held the other, and
pa he always sings for all that is out and
when he braced himself up and sang, Just as
| am, ma thought pas voice was tinctured
with biliousness, and she looked at him ard
hunched him, and told him to stop singing and
breathe through his nose, cause his breath
was enough to stop clock. Pa stopped sing
ing and turned around rather cross towards
ma, and then he smelled mas cheese, and he
turned his head the other way and said,
'Whew,' and they didn't sing any more, but
they looked at each other though they smelled
IRONY. When they sat down they sat as far
apart as they could get, and pa sat next
woman, who used to be nurse in a hospital,
and when she smelled pas cheese she looked
at him as though he had the small pox, and
she held her handkerchief to her nose. The
man in the other end of the pew that ma sat
near, he was a stranger from Racine, who be-
iSAbo ~ Jul Nuullu dllh nt lUOhtu NJ INA SOIL
Of queer, and after the minister prayed, and
they got up to sing again, the man took his
hat and got out, and when he came by me he
said something about female glue factory.
Well, sir, before the sermon was over every
body in that part Of the church had their
handkerchiefs to their noses, and they looked
at ma and pa scandalous, and the two ushers
they came around in the pews looking for
dog, and when the minister got over his ser =
mon, and wiped the perspiration off his face,
he said he would like to have the trustees Of
the church stay after meeting, as there was
business OF Importance to transact. He said
the question Of proper ventilation and sewer
age for the church would be brought up, and
that he presumed the congregation had noticed
this morning that the church was unusually
full OF sewer gas. He said he had spoken Of
the matter before, and expected that it would
be attended to before this. He said he was a
meek and humble Christian, and was willing
to cast his lot wherever his Master decided,
but he'd be blessed if he would preach any
longer in a church that smelled like a bone
boiling establishment. He said religion was
good thing, but no person could enjoy re-
lgion as well in fat rendering establishment
as he could in flower garden, and as far as
he was concerned he had got enough. Every
body else, and pa looked at ma as though he
knew where the sewer gas came from, and
ma looked at pa real mad, and me and my
chum lit out, and went home and distributed
my cheese all round. put a slice in mas
bureau drawer, down under her underclothes,
and piece in the spare room, under the bed,
and piece in the bath room, in the soap dish,
and a slice in the album on the parlor table,
and piece in the library in a book, and |
went to the dining room and put some under
the table, and dropped piece under the range
in the kitchen. l tell you the house was
loaded for bear Ma came from church first,
and when | asked where pa was, she said
she hoped he had gone to walk around block
to air himself. Pa came home to dinner, and
when he got smell Of the house he opened
all the doors, and ma put comfortable around
her shoulders, and told pa he was disgrace
to civilization. She tried to get pa TO drink
some oarbolic acid. Pa finally convinced ma
that it was not him, and they decided that it
was the house that smelled SO, as well as
the church, and all Sunday afternoon they
went visiting, and this morning pa went down
to the health Office and got the Inspector Of
nuisance to come up to the house, and when
he smelled around spell he said there was
dead rats in the main sewer pine; and they
sent for plumbers, and ma went out to
neighbors to borrow some fresh ar, and when
the plumbers began to dig up the floor in the
basement | came over here. If they find any
of that Limberger cheese it will go hard with
me. The hired girls have both quit, aud ma
says she is going to break up keeping house
and board. That is just into my hand. L
want to board at hotel, where you can have
a bill Of fare and billiards, and everything.
Well, guess l will go over to the house and
stand in the back door and listen to the mock
ing bird. If you see me come flying out Of
the alley with my coat tail full Of boots yon
can bet they have discovered the sewer gas"