The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1883-10-18
The Patent ~Caiumiiat0fs

for State Senator up in Oregon the
other day, and the same evening a dusty
looking stranger, chiefly attired in an
old plug hat and an lngratiating smile,
dropped in to see the nominee on par
ticular business.
II have come, Major said the visi-
tor, putting his feet on the piano stool
and lighting a Sullivan cigarette, 'I
have come to congratulate you on your
prospects, and to offer you my services
as a first-class calumniator."
ga. what!" asked the Major, Hitch
surprised.
"Why, a calumniator. Never run for
office beforee Well, I'll explsin: You
see, as soon as a nominee starts in on
| parties get right in and traduce him
fact I dare say?"
"Yes, 1 think I have" said old Snod>
grass with a sigh.
EXACTLY; they invent all sorts of
qtteer stories about the man, and try to
blacken his record the worst way"
"And they succeed pretty often, too"
groaned the Major.
"They used to, my dear sir. they used
to-" said the expert, .+but not since the
Introduction of my new idea, the pat
ent calumniator scheme. Itworks like
a charm"
"Does,. ehY" said the amateur poll
| tician. N
.You bet it does. Now, how do we
work the business and defeat the plans
of the opposition-now howl"
Cant imagine" said-the Major.
.Why, by getting ahead of them
every time, bless your heart. Do your
own slandering, don't you see? Put
'em on the wrong track, ehP You
grapple with the idea, don't you?".
Cant say Ido,'' said Snodgrass, re-
fectively.
ssWhy. it's as simple as daylight. You
see, you stake me on the quiet, and /
get in and start a paper apparently de-
voted to the opposition. The very first
issue I come out and allude to the long
suspected fact that you poisoned your
grandmother in IT,"
sBut I didn'tr' roared the Major,
looking round for a club.
Gently! gently! my dear SIR" said
the visitor, putting his foot on the
poker. "Of course you didn't, but
say so all the OF course all the
otheropposition papers will take it up
and make a fearful row. Then an in
vestigation is had. and both your grand
mothers are found to be living. Catch
the point, don't you?"
'sBut how docs that help mep" asked
the nominee.
"Why, don't you see, it keeps the
other fellows attention excited, and
they don't GO into your real record at
all" r
"But myrecord is all right" said the
Major, indignantly.
"Well perhaps 1t is-perhaps it is, "
said the expert, dryly. ssBut it's a cold
day that these newspaper hyenas can't
dig up a bone or two Better keep
'em off the track. Well, the next thing
1 drop the grandmother scandal, and
say that we have four affidavits that
you beat your first wife with a rolling
pin, and that you have served out two
terms in the penitentiary for forging
checks in your early youth. ThatIl
start 'em off again"
.Then I'm indicated again, am II"
Precisely. In fact 1 come out and
editorially withdraw the charges, but al
the. same time I claim that the we'll
I lOuiIuCu IISuilIoOdhSCo VI ~
set fire to a blind asylum in Louisiana
and being wanted for smuggling in
Cuba have never been satisfactorily eX.
planned"
"Well and them" said the nominee
thoughtfully.
CATER we have let up on these
charges and admitted that you were
never in either place in your life, w &c
for you worse than ever-say something
perfectly terrible, you understanding
clse you taking lessons on the cornet,
Dr. something like that, you see, and keeI
the SANDER mill booming right up to
election day."
"And you think that will help me?'
unused the Senatorial aspirant.
'Why, to be sure, my lear sir. It
the only way. And beside all this,
groundless prosecutions make the public
indignant, and the first thing you know
everybody is voting for you out of pure
sympathy. It's the only way"
And as the inventor of the paten'
calumniator is now in town buying type
it is fair to suppose that Major Sndd,
grass will be elected ahead of his ticket
l-San Francisco Post.