Connecticut western news., 1883-07-25

 man his name outright-remarked in terrogatively: "I believe have for gotten how you spell your name ?"
 "B-a-k.e-r, Baker-and I'll be hanged if I'll vote for any man for sheriff that can't spell Baker, replied the sovereign, with good-natured sarcasm.
 FREE TRADE STATISTICS. ,"Did you hear about that row yester- day, and that Col. Peter Sandy was knocked down, and Major Sampleby had his nose broken?"
 "No, didn't hear about it. How did it happen?''
 "Why, they were discussing the tariff question, and it just happened in the regular course of conversation. Teras SJtdngs.
 HOW THE LANDLORD EXPLAINS.
 'See here, landlord, you advertised a big, four-story hotel, with grove, fountains, bathing, boating, etc., and arrive here to find shanty stuck in the pine woods and the nearest lake mile away. Explain yourself, sir P
 "With the greatest of pleasure. The cut of the hotel was one left on the printers hands, and he worked it in to fill out the column. I ought to have mentioned in the advertisement that it was the cut of hotel at Long Branch, but neglected to. Come right in beautiful scenery, woods full of snakes. rates down to $4 per day and children charged full prices. "-- Detroit Free Press.
 IN UNCERTAINTY.
 He was hurrying along Center street the other morning, when boy about his own age stopped him and called out:
 sYes." N
 "aoins Going to sveet\ \an office for feller."
 ''Who 2"
 Dunno"
 "How much? ?"
 "Can't tell"
 "Why ?"
 "'Cause if he's lawyer he'll give me ten cents and predict that I'll be Presi- dent some day, but if he's broker he'll flip me half-a-dollar and not care two cents whether I bring up in Washing ton or Halifax ' S'long !''- Wa1 Street NeaOS A FARMERS FORESIGHT. ''John, said Farmer. Jones, "write to all our city relatives and tell them to come and visit us. Be sure, however, to state that the house is so overrun with rats that it is hardly safe to sleep in any in, John. It will certainly keep away the women folks, and the women will keep the men from coming. Gracious, John, do hate to tell lie, but can't stand having all our city relatives spong- Ing off us every summer. ."-Philo1el- 2ohSa Herald. A FINANCIAL OUTLOOK. ''I'd rather give man $50 than be swindled out of $5," said GillyAower the other day. "Well, that's strange. Whats your reason for such conclusion
 You see, if give you $50, that's put down on the books to charity That looks well. The angels look over the bookkeeper's shoulder, and smile sweet ly as the words to charity are entered. But if I am swindled out of $5, the angels go off behind the barn and laugh, and the bookkeeper heaves a sigh as he enters, 'To blamed old fool, who will never learn anything, $5. "-,H. Joe Ga sette.
 NOVELTY.
 "What is that lying on your desk ?" asked Gus De Smith of young society business man, at whose office he hap pened to be.
 "Those are my receipted bills that have just paid.
 "Receipted bills You don't say SOP" exclaimed Gus, with animation let me look at them, please. I've not seen anything of the kind in the last five years. Ieras Siftirgs. |
 ''Didnt I tell you, not to ask your Uncle James for money ?" said mother, casting hard look at her son. ....
 "No'm."
 ''What, didn't Itell you this morning not to ask him T'
 "You said notsto ask him when you was around" ~
 
 But to strike him for dollar while you was out an you would give me nickel of it. "-ArkansaU Traveler.
 WITH THE WATCH.
 The boy that wears 8 watch is an im- portant character. At school he is en- vied, and on the street he is respected. None of the boys grab him and throw him down for they might break his time- keeper. He has way of twisting the chain when he talks, and of looking at his watch when he hears railroad train, and says twelve-ten, or six-five, or eight sixteen. The other boys stand around and regard him with admiration. He grows up and probably goes to college with distinguished air, but in after years he pawns his watch with a man, who, as boy, often stood around and ) admired it.-ArkansoU TraUeler.