The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-04-26


men who would attempt to get up a
subscription for the relief of those who
had lame thumbs caused by the labor of
cutting coupons from their own govern
ment bonds. .--4-,-..
''Why don't you come to Sunday
schoolP'' said Superintendent to
boy. "'Cause pa owes my teacher for
pair of boots, an the teacher got to
sending notes home by me, an pa said
needn't go any more till he paid for
the boots, an don't reckon I'll go any
more"
A stylishly dressed woman entered
restaurant The waiter handed her
bill of fare, and said: please mark off
the dishes you wish TO order" Taking
the pencil she made a few dashes, and
her order read: "Dinner so cents. "
Feb 20, 49," vegetables, "'please
pay at the DESK" celery" s
Nothing makes hard-working mar
ried woman so mad as to work all the
morning making stuffing and uncan-
ming Jelly, and then to find out that the
bunch of canvasbacks her husband has
hung up on the back porch are only
lot of decoys he has bought for shoot
ing trip.
United States Consul Sprague, at
Gibraltar, writes an elaborate report to
the government on american Mules in
the British Army" There, now, you
newspaper men! You've gone and per-
secuted poor Freddie Gebhardt till he
has been obliged to join the British
Army:
A lover was taking his young lady
out for drive. Being determined to
have it over with her, he popped the
question, and in his excitement pulled
the horse on one side, and the trap
struck mile post. The girl was thrown
high into the air, but as she came down
she uttered firm Eyes, Charlie" and
then tainted.
Eyes," said the witness, al remem-
ber the defendants mother crying on
the occasion referred to. She WAS
weeping with her left eye-the only one
she has-and the tears were running
down her right cheek" ''Whatm ex-
claimed the Judge, show could that
be?" "Please your honor" said the
witness, ''she was awfully cross eyed"
A servant girl who had been admon-
ished by her mistress to be careful in
overheard shortly afterward indulgin
in the following soliloquy while in the
act of washing the sugar basin: .If /
was to drop this ere basin, and was to
catch it, 1 suppose / shouldn't catch it;
but if 1 was to drop it and wasn't to
catch it, reckon / should just catch
it."
Malcolm Ito the colonel, who has
been narrating his adventures all over
the globe) "Ye must ha' had gran
sport among the black men, sir. Had
they ony releegion?" Colonel: "All
kinds, Malcolm. Some worshipped
idols, some the sun. some the moon,
some the water" Malcolm: "The wa
ter! (musing) "Aweei, sir, ! conldna'
bring mysel' to care for that!'
Mrs. Langtry, in answer to the ques-
ton: "What are your special petsp"
replied: 'I like best dogs and horses.
I have lovely collie, parrot, and an
excessively ugly but fashionable German
pup, with very short legs and long
body" We believe Gebhard is not
German but an American. The name,
however, is perhaps responsible for the
mistake, as the rest of the description
seems to be all right. sfs
A new system of preserving butter,
by covering it with layer, an inch in
thickness, of q strong solution of sui
phate of lime, has just been discovered,
and is pronounced highly successful. l.
Exchange. The Chicago boarding
house keepers have better plan than
that. They just lower it into the sewer
for about week, and the boarder who
has the hardihood to tackle it puts
clothes-pin on his nose and goes at it
with an ax.-C. FL.
1t has been wisely remarked by phi
losopher who caught his son watching
him through the keyhole that "some
boys are more observant than others"
Two Brooklyn lads were sitting on the
dock with their fish lines in the water,
exchanging views as to their plans for
the future. 81 Think said one of
them, ''that I'll be regular fisherman
when 1 grow up Bill; will you?"
.'No," returned his companion "Since
dad married an actress. guess I'll
study TO be divorce lawyer"
81 saw you at the funeral the other
day." said one lady to another yester-
day. "Yes, / saw you, too. ''How
natural the corpse looked" 'Just like
MARBLE" 81 never heard more af-
fecting funeral sermon; did youP"
''Never. And Just think of it, when
everybody was crying reached for my
handkerchief and found to my horror,
that 1t was red one had in my poclz-
et." Goodness! What did you do?"
"Why, 1 didn't cry. How could l, when
every one in church was using whiteP'
81 should like to be excused from
fury duty, Your Honors," said an old
gentleman in the Criminal Court yes
terday. "What excuse have you to
offerP' asked Judge Phelps. "1'm not
in good health" ''Have you ply
sician's certificate to that effect?' mo,
Your Honor" ''Then you'll have to
serve" "But, Judge, there's another
reason" "What is itp" 81 often get
cranky" "Cross off his name,' COM
manded the court, much amused. The
old oontlornop hohhlad ont and there