Connecticut western news., 1883-06-27

our engine to ran his fly fan; barrel of paregoric would not cure our chickens of the cholera; the hogs got into the crib and ate about all the corn we had; the dogs scratcheth under our gate; our neck got so sore this week that we had to have pailful of crinks, cranks and creaks rubbed out of it; the cats fighteth at night and swaketh the children; our pock- ct change has gone down so low that we actually refused to buy Bible. Yet, we refused to ask our subscribers for cent, even if the "devil' has struck for higher wages. We only mention these things to show what newspaper man can take. Gazette, Athens, Ca.
 A COMPLETE RAILROAD.
 "Is your railroad we'll equipped P Railroad President-"Well equipped l! I should say it was. Splendidly equipped, sir, splendidly. For instance, there are our first mortgage sevens, and our second mortgage sixes, and our equipment bonds, and our land grant bonds, and our common stock, and our preferred stock, and the biggest floating debt of any road in the country. But that isn't all, sir. We've got the finest lobby that any corporation can show-a perfect daisy, sir. If you know of a road that's better equipped than ours is, name it, sir, name it, if you please. "- Boston T3'onscript.
 SMALL PHILOSOPHICAL DEDUCTION. A young lady, whose name we with hold, writes to say that it is very strange that an animal may hear people speak a language from the time it is born, and yet never understand word of it; while child, born entirely ignorant of a sin gle word or its meaning, learns the whole language of which that word is 8 member. We do not think it at all strange, because a duckling, who is matched out without any idea of of aquat. ics, can swim half mile the first time it goes into the water, while some men, born with the same ignorance, can never be taught to swim a stroke. .-Puck. NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT AFTER ALL.
 He was from the East. He was buzz ing around the Third street depot the other day with suspicious looking young man, and making a great show ol fat wallet, and finally the special officer stepped up to him and said:
 "My friend who Is that young man ?
 "I think he's pickpocket," was the prompt reply.
 "Where are you going ?"
 :sTo Chicago, and be has just pur chased his ticket for the same point"
 eff you think him 8 suspicious char acter why do you train in his com pany ?"
 "Simply to beat him."
 "How?"
 ''He goes to Chicago because I an going. He means to pick my wallet between here and there. He had to scrape his pockets to buy the ticket. have two wallets just alike. About hail way to Chicago shall let him get hold of the one stuffed with paper. He will leave the train at the first station after. He will have no money, find no friends, and be mad enough to bust when he sees my trick. I'm just cracking my sides over the way his chin will drop when he opens the stolen wallet"
 About an hour after, when the trair had departed, the officer was surprised to see the joker still hanging around and this time alone.
 "Then you didn't go to Chicago?"
 "Say," answered the man as he came closer, "that chap wasn't after my money, after all. He simply wanted my watch, and I'll be hanged if he hasnt got it Where's the chief of police ?"- Detroit Free Press.
 LAST MAN CLUB.
 There is "Last Mans Club" il Philadelphia. It was organized with membership of fifteen over thirty year ago. All but four of the last men UT, dead. Every 2d of January the last mel meet for their annual feed. Supper i ordered and plates are laid for the fiji teen last men, living and dead, ever, time. And there is never anything left To see the last:men eat, you would thinl they only struck square meal once year. Not one of the last men died 0 starvation. The president always die before the other members. There IS H. great ambition among the last men t. be president. The club has no presi dent now, but will elect successor t the one who recently died, at their nex annual meeting. By and by there wi be only one last man. He will have t eat supper for fifteen. This will prob ably cause him to explode. He will die but he will not die hungry. It is proud distinction to be the last man 6 the feed. .-HaaUkeye.
 JUST MISSED IT.
 A. yNast point Ca WA SAW a. neprO q