The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1883-01-05
WIT AND HUMoR.

VII AMI uU1V0s
Why 10 messenger like . pennye
Because he's one cent.
What Is It that nobody wants. yet no.
body likes to losep A lawsuit.
How paridoxical il man! First he
lies and then stands--to his lie.
A policeman In Gallon. o.. had his
shoes stolen from his feet while he slept
at his post.
When q powder magazine blows up,
1t can. we suppose. be called flash liter
allure.
Phosphorus Is the striking name Of
now color. It will be worn by match.
making mammas.
Mr.. Gladstone owns piece of land ut
Niagara Falls and refuses to sell Mt any
price. He probably has u toll.gate on it.
The bear idea Of speculation is enough
TO crush many young men who have fu-
lures before them.
1t IL remarked by Kentucky paper
that the feeling between ague and quiz
nine Is exceedingly bitter.
Because man spends the greater
part Of his time in lifting beers 1t isn't
safe To bet that he's an undertaken.
We sneer at the Siamese for worship
ing the elephant; but think Of the mon
cythat is paid here annually just to see It!
A piece Of steel is a good deal like a
man-when you get it red-hot it loses
its temper.
Scarlet fever is prevalent among the
children-it breaks out in jackets,
skirts and Tam O'Shanter hats.
Many young men complain of the
cost OF courtsliip, but in the long run it
Is not SO expensive as seeing the
boys"
"Yes, the electric light is y great iu-
vention." muttered Flub. as he felt
about the door. San every keyhole
should have one"
II the fire Of love should consume
maiden's heart, we presume the aver
age insurance agent would account for
1t on the ground of q defective fue."
There is disgusting amount of crime
in the newspapers, but the man who
has a pimple on his nose can't blame
the looking-glass for showing it.
An English doctor wants everybody
to be buried in wicker casket instead
of plain coffin. He is supposed to be
interested in willow plantation.
A little girl. upon being asked who
did Adam and Eve sin against when
they ate the fruit, meckly replied:
''rheir parents and friends. a'am."
Said loving wife to her husband:
DO you know, dear, that butterfly Or
naments are very fashionable?" ''Per-
haps So" he grufly replied, "but grub
Is the great desideratum."
Said miserable little Cincinnati boy
who had just received II scolding from
his father. MA. wish I'd never been
horn" "Why. Charley?" "Well,
think I'd been O better boy"
Charles, DEAR" she murmured. as
she strolled along the other evening.
and gazed up at the bejeweled firma-
ment. (which is Venus and which is
Adonis?"
When man says he is satisfied with
his lot. you may be sure of one Of two
things, either he is a very unenterpris-
ing specimen Of humanity or he Is ly-
ing.
A family has distinguished itself at
Laporte, Ind. by piecing three. gorge
Gus bedquilts from samples of silk OBJ
tanned free by mail from merchants in
the large cities.
Heard at the Conundrum Club:
"What is the difference between frig-
id undulation and a den in forest?"
The prize answer was. lone is cold
wave, and the other Is a void cave"
Music by the band.
Mr.. Cody has changed the. title of
his piece again. This year it is called
Twenty days; or. Buffalo Bills Pledge"
II is not n very long time, is twenty
days. William ought to swear OF I'M
til Christmas.
"You are such strange girl" said
Charley; REALLY, don't know what to
make Of you" "Weli. then. I'll tell
you. Charley" replied Araminta,
''make q wife of me-" Charley did so
at the earliest opportunity"
A courtier praising an old lady for
her beauty, she said that beauty was In
compatible with her age, to which the
courtier replied: 1--WE say as beautiful
as an angel, and yet the angels are of
all creatures the most ancient"
"rve got some famous literary man
for a customer" said the tailor, ''but
don't know who he is. for he forgot to
leave his name" "But why do you
think he is a great writer?" ''Oh. l
know he is; he ordered the seat of his
pants lined with leather"
Two clearinghouse keepers are COM
pairing notes. ut pears to me, Mrs.
Miggles. that your chicken salad Is
never found out-leastways, l never
heard none of the boarders complain"
"You see," explained Mrs. Miggles, II
allus chop up few feathers with the
veal"
"Going awayP" they asked the man
who was closing the shutters of his
house and pulling down the curtains.
"No." he replied. "but I'm going to
put up some stoves, and don't propose
To have any inhuman ghouls look in at
the windows and see me and laugh at
my misery.
.How profoundly still and beautiful
is the night" she whispered, leaning
her iinely.veined temple against his
coat-collar, and fixing her dreamy eyes
on the far-off Pleiades; show soothing,
how restful!" "Yes," he replied. toy
ing with her golden aureole of hair.
''and what q night to shoot cats"
The papers are Boosting Of the delica-
cy of pair Of scales at the New York
Assay Office, which are SO nicely bal
anced that the mere writing Of name
on the back Of one Of two pieces of pa
per exactly alike will turn the scale in
its favor. This Is equally true, how
ever. of any board of bank directors.
An idiot is a man who approaches q
mule from the rear without notifying
and pacifying the front end first. The
wise man Is he who never goes near the
mule at all, but Is simply a looker-on in
Vienna while the brute Is making ges-
lures with his hind feet. This state
ment Is just as true In moral rs it Is In
natural hiltory.
A London paper describes an Ameri-
can girl in that city who "wears q
gown with q flight Of embroidered
swallows, beginning on her left Shout
der and ending ut her right foot; and
swallows also fly about her parasol."
The American youth in London Is also
addicted to swallows" but they don't
begin on his left shouldr. They begin
under his nose and run down his throat.
An egg polka has been composed in