Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-08-09

One way to be loafer, without beins
considered vagrant, is to call yoursel
a socialist.-BOSton Post.
The boy WHO was asked to explain the
meaning of the phrase ''current humor''
and who replied that he guessed it was
what the bakers put in fruit Cakes"
wasn't so far out of the way.
Ibid you dust the furniture this morn.
ing, MaryP" asked the mistress. "No,
ma'am," replied Mary; lit didn't need
it. 1t had all the dust on it that it could
easily hold"
If man were to wear his straw hal
smashed down and bent to such shape
as some of the ladies wear theirs, where
would the public think he had been the
night beforeP"
The Baltimore Neys does not believe
that young lady of refinement is call
ed upon to take an introduction to a
gentleman wearing papercollar. Ger
tainly not-not until she removes her
paper cuffs.
A poet sends us a poem beginning, IL
gaze at the moon in the sky" That's
right, young man, that's where to gaze
at it. Don't try to gaze at it under the
bed or in the coal-cellar. Stick to the
sky.
"What shall I write about?' asked a
young reporter of the managing editor.
''Oh, write about the first thing that
comes to hand" was the brief order
The scribe drew pay that night for an
article on door-knobs.
A negro baby was born in Georgia re-
Gently, which weighed only pound
and quarter, and Literary feller,"
hearing of the circumstances, remarked
that it was funny how anything so dark
could be so light.
''Let us pursue the subject little
further" said the medical students at
the bedside of dying patient. So the
next night they went and stole the
body from the cemetery Salem Sun-
beam.
Most assuring-Brown (who is nerv-
Gus about sanitary matters and detects
something): Hum! (sniffs) surely this
system of yours, these pipes now. do
communicate with your main drain?"
Hairdresser with CHEEKY gusto): Direct,
SIR" Tableau.
"A soft answer" etc.: Stout lady
passenger (wincing-he had trod on her
best corn)-''Phew! clumsy -" Po-
lite old gent-''very sorry, my dear
madam, but if you had a foot large
enough to be seen, such an accident
couldn't occur!'
II think" said the landlady, "that
Mr.. Wickwire must be getting along
pretty well in this world. He is now
building an octagon.'' Building an
octagon" exclaimed Whackup; 81
heard he was building house. ."-1e1as
SJtimgs.
Sir John Lubbock has beaten the
story of the Tichborne claimants ver-
sion OF the motto ''Laus semper Dec"
(Which he rendered "Laws and the gods
forever, ,") by telling of an aspirant to
academic honors, who defined theo-
dolite as zone who hates the gods.''
And now doth the small boy knock
picket off the fence to use for bat and
when he gets swift ball on the end of
it he lays it down and rubs his hands
against his sides and looks sadder than
the "before-using portrait" of an anti
lean advertisement
Only one instance, so far as is known,
has ever been recorded where woman
found the English language strong
enough to do justice to her feelings when
the clothes-line broke and let her Mon
day washing down. She lives in Akron,
o., and was fined 81 for swearing.
"Now, Edith" said her mother, "you
are going to be good girl to-day and
act like little lady, aren' t you?" Eyes,
mamma" replied Edith; adding after
few moments silent cogitation, "what
makes 90 say little lady, mammal Is
it cause big ladies acts so awful?"
Dr., entering military hospital, of
surgery. met Paddy Doyle, the orderly,
and asked which he considered the most
dangerous of the many cases then in the
hospital. "That, sir," said Paddy, as,
with an indicative jerk of the thumb he
pointed to where, on the table, lay
set OF surgical instruments.
Two Marseillaise are cougratulating
themselves upon their physical advant-
ages. 81" says one of them, II can
not walk along the street without all the
ladies turning their heads" 81" re-
piled the other. ''am obliged to eat gar
lie to prevent their throwing their arms
about my neckr'
Lady-"But, Professor, how came
you to offend Mrs Smith," Professor
"Ah, will tell you. Mime. Slnit she
come to me and she say l do want my
daughter to sing so high as Mees Brown
and she fly. in one rage and say as dere
is nosing low in her family, ven say
Mees Smit she haf low voice"
1t is related of Sydney Smith that on
entering drawing-room in West End
he found it,lined with mirrors
on all sides. Finding himself reflected
in every direction, he said that he "sup-
posed he was at meeting of the clergy
and there seemed to be very respects