Northwest enterprise. [volume] (Anacortes, Wash. Ter.) 1882-1887, 1883-10-20

THE PATENT CALUMNIATOR.

THE PATENT CALUMNIATOR.
Old Major Snodgrass was nomin-
ated for State Senator up in Oregon
the other day, and the same evening
a dusty looking stranger, chiefly at,
tired in an old plug hat and an in
gratiating smile, dropped in to see
the nominee on particular business.
81 have come, major" said the Wis
itor, putting his feet on the piano
stool. and LIGHTING Sullivan cigar
cite, IL have come to congratulate
you on your prospects, and to offer
you my services as first class cal
umniator."
"a what?" asked the major, niue h
surprised.
"Why, a calumniator. Never run
for office before? Well, I'll explain
You see, as soon as a nominee starts
in on his canvass, of course the op-
position parties get right in and ira
duce him for all's that out; you've
noticed the fact, 1 dare say?"
"Yes, ] think 1 have" said old
Snodgrass with sigh.
Exactly; they invent all sorts OF
queer stories about the man. and try
to blacken his record the worst way"
"And they succeed pretty often,
too," groaned the major.
"They used to, my dear sir. they
used to-" said the expert, ''but not
since the introduction of my new idea,
the patent calumniator scheme. 1t
works like a charm"
"Does, eh?" said the amateur poll
tician.
"You bet it does. Now, how do we
work the business and defeat the
plans of the opposition-now, how?"
Cant imagine" said the major.
"Why, by getting ahead of them
every time, bless your heart. Do
your own slandering, don't you see'
Put 'em on the wrong track, eh ?
You grapple with the idea, don't
your"
"Can't say 1 do" said Shodgrass,
refectively.
"Why, it's as simple as daylight
You see, you stake me on the quiet,
and l get in and start paper appar-
entity devoted to the opposition. The
very first issue come out and allude
to the long suspected fact that you
poisoned your grandmother in '57."
"But l didn'tr' roared the major,
looking around for club
"Gently! gently! my dear sir" said
the visitor, putting his foot on the
poker. "Of course, you didn't, but
say SO all the same. OF course, all
the opposition papers take it up and
make fearfu! row. Then an inves-
tigation is had, and both your grand
mothers are found to be living. Catch
the point, don't your
But how does that help mea'
asked the nominee.
"Why. don't you see, it keeps the
other fellows attention excited, and
they don't go into your real record at
ALL"
But my real record is all right, y
said the major, Indignantly.
well, perhaps it is-perhaps it is y
said the expert, dryly. perhaps il
is, but it's a cold day when these
newspaper hyenas can't dig up a bone
or two. Better keep 'em off the track
Well, the next thing l drop the grand
mother scandal, and say that we have
four affidavits that you beat your first
wife with rolling pin, and that you
have served two terms in the peniten-
tiary for forging checks in your early
youth. Thatll start 'em off again.
"Then I'm vindicated again, am Is'
Precisely. In fact, / come out
and editorially withdraw the charges,
but at the same time claim that the
we'll founded circumstances of your
having set fire to blind asylum in
Louisiana and being wanted for
smuggling in Cuba have never been
satisfactorily explained"
"Well, and then 7" said the nominee,
thoughtfslly.
After we have let up on those
charges and admitted that you were
never in either place in your life, we
go for you worse than ever-say some
thing perfectly terrible. you under
stand-accuse you of taking lessons
on the cornet, or something like that,
you see, and keep the slander mill
booming right up to election day"
"And you think that will help me? n
mused the Senatorial aspirant.
"Why. to be sure, my dear sir. It's
the only way. And besides all this,
groundless persecutions make the
public indignant, and the first thing
you know everybody is voting for you
out Of pure sympathy. It's the only
way"
And as the inventor Of the patent
calumniator is now in town buying
type, it is fair to suppose that Major
Snodgrass will be elected ahead oi
his ticket derrick Dodd, in San
Francisco Post.
"Your daughteri It is impossil le
Why, you look more like twin sisters
"No; l assure you she is my only
daughter" replied the pleased moth
or. And the polite old gentleman
spoiled it all by remarking. "Well
| wal1 sho cartaintv 1ooks old ououoI