New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-08-01
WIT AND HUnoR

WIT AND HUHoR
A Yale student swallowed his dia-
mond pin and is SO cents out Of pocket
thereby NorristoWn Herald.
Is the man who delivers declama-
ton through the telephone hellocu-
ZIONIST? The Drummer.
Yes sighed the tattered tramp as
he turned his pockets inside-out, ..mon-
ey is nothing to me-
Red Cloud has discovered a gold mine
on his reservation. He is one of the
few clouds which have golden lining.
I-NeU York Advertiser.
A married man doesn't SILVER now
when he passes seal-skin sacque store;
but the sight Of a millinery shop sets
him wild.
| Victor Hugo's latest epigram, sent to
a lady autograph fend in Michigan, is
this: ITO love is to act" Yes, not in
frequently to act like a fool.-Boston
Herald.
Lady Brooks Caruthers is coming di-
rect to San Francisco with her six uA-
married daughters. Is it possible we've
got to drop everything and take to the
woods again ?-San francisco Post.
A grocer at Des Moines put stone
under an old hat, and James WEIGH
kicked it and broke his big toe. The
grocer didn't quit laughing until YER
dict of $500 was rendered in favor of
the kicker.
An absent-minded editor wrote love
letter and an editorial at the same time.
The love letter he sent out to be set up
in type by the printers and long edi-
torial on tariff to his girl. There was
fun at both ends of the route.
s'Is the bowling of dog always fol-
lowed by a death?" asked little girl
of her father. 'sNot always, my dear;
sometimes the man that shoots at the
dog misses him, was the parents re-
ply.-Denver Tribune
Happy thought: Daughter of the
house (having tried her partner and not
finding him up to the mark )-s'Stop!
Do you know, see that Miss Blinkin-
sop isn't dancing? really must give
you up to her n'-L London Punch.
saw, have such Q dwedful calwd in
me he'd" remarked an Ivy street dude,
as he stroked the tender tip of his nose
yesterday. Better that than nothing"
was the witty but cruel response of q
Peachtree street maiden who heard him.
Atlanta Constitution.
A Vermont editor wants to know
what gives color to pure water. We
don't know what they generally use up
in Vermont, but down this way it is
generally something that is not legally
sold except under license.-LoweA
Courier.
A poetical streak possessed the editor
of the Springfield Evening Post, and he
sat down and wrote: ..Peace again
but the tiendiSh compositor made it
read: Peace again spreads her wigs
over Chill and Peru. y
At the counsel of revision: The doc
tor Have you an indisposition? What
do you CLAMP The conscript-"I
have brother in the service" The
doctor That is not malady.'' The
conscript-''No; but it is, at least an af-
lection" p French paper.
No murders to-day" said reporter
on Kentucky newspaper. to the man.
aging editor "Whatinot a single onep''
"Wel, ! believe that there Was a little
one IF that's all young man, I don't
want you any longer You are too lazy
to get around. -ArkansawI Traveller.
The hair of a girl employed in an
Eastern cotton mill was caught in the
machinery, torn other head and ground
into bits. But the girl didn't mind it
much. She kept right on at her work,
simply remarking that it only cost her
81 anyhow. This is one of the advan-
tages of art over nature.
Grocer Peterson in Stockholm has
got an outdoor man from Smoland. One
day ions complained of the terrible
heat. II got up last night to look at
the thermometer" said he, land it
showed twenty-eight degrees" (Cellius).
''Was it in the shadep'' ''No; l had q
light
Nature was wise when it ordained that
chickens should not have teeth. If it
were possible to look into chickens
mouth and tell its age, like that of a
horse, by its teeth it would be square
give away on the farmer who was try
ine to palm off an old hen as a young
pullet. Philadelphia Herald.
''Now, my DEAR said Hartford
man this morning, ''you have made the
sleeves of this shirt too awful short. l
never can wear it in the world swell,
I'm sorry; but can't you wear it just
for one dayp'' ''If 1 only had wart
on my elbow I might ssWhy, what
difference would that make?'' II could
use it for cuff button and be solid.''
The stage beard looks as much like
beard that grew there as cows tail
would if tied to the bronze dog on the
front porch. When you tie q heavy
beard on young actor whose whole
soul would be churned up if he smoked
full-fedged cigar, he looks about as
savage as bowl of mush and milk
struck with club. Montana Gazette.
'Mr. Sanctus, I see that you enjoy
pipe when you are out of the pulpit"
Every much, very much, sir!'' $50 it
appears; and what do you prefer to have
in it, as rule?' ''Shortcut, sir, short
cut, by all MEANS "Indeed! and if
you're so fond of shortcut, why don't you
PuC HCtle OF IL III your SefmOnS!-
Yonkers Gazette.
A London clergyman says death is a
grim subject to jest upon, and then
adds: ut must be very awkward in the
other world before one knows ones way
about, and while one is liable to fall
across ones old acquaintances. Yes,
and to be hailed with that expression
one has got so weary Of hearing every
summer: us it hot enough for you?'
Boston Post.
When young man says his girl is
''worth her weight in gold'' he IS not
putting very high valuation upon her,
unless she is q very heavy girl. At this
rating 12O pounds ofgirl would be worth
about @3O, 600, and any young man who
doesn't think his best girl worth more