Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1883-03-28
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.

S.NVLNl hhhNAthA Aics
Trousers cover a multitude Of shinsl
Cannot lawyers be termed fee-males?
A wife may be a blessing, but
dumb wife is an unspeakable one.
Two hogsheads make butt, but it
takes only one goats head to dc it.
The readiness with which the foot
of the modern man taketh him to the
club would go far to prove that manis
by nature club-footed.
1t is a terrible shock to ones feel
ings, after singing "Salvation's Free"
to hear the announcement that "the
collection will now be taken"
The notion of having your house
connected with the church, by tele-
phone, is utterly absurd. How'S your
wife to see bonnets by telephone?
The question is asked us, If there is
anything that will bring youth to wo-
men? Yes, indeed An income Of
say $4,000 will bring any number of
them.
a man who has happened to have a
good deal of experience says: "Stand
anywhere but for four feet to the left
of woman when she hurls a bottle as
a hen"
"If you fall off that balcony you'll
get hurt" said one friend to another.
"No, l shan't," said No. 2; "there's
nothing about me to break. I'm broke
already
Statistics show that the largest num-
Der Of marriages are by persons under
twenty-three years Of age Does this
prove that as people grow older they
become wiser?
Professor Proctor speaks of 34,000,-
900 years ago as calmly as any other
man would remark Of last Fourth of
July. 1t is what has happened in the
last fifty years that has worried most
If us.
"AIr. JONES'" asked Smith Of the par
son, don't you think the wicked will
have an opportunity given them in the
next world:" "Yes, certainly" re-
piled the parson, "an excellent oppor-
tunity to get warm.
An agricultural journal recently
published long article on "Sheep
Husbandry," but it didn't say anything
about the man who continually COM
pliments his wife, although he is most
assuredly she-praiser.
Professor Julien asserts that the
brown stone houses of New York will
entirely crumble away in less than one
thousand years, so ruinous is our at
mosphere. That settles it. We shall
not build a brown stone house. 1t
wouldn't be economy,
"If your clearinghouse should take
fire at night what would you do to get
the people OUT" asked the fire mar
shal of an experienced matron. "Oh,
there would be no trouble about that"
was the reply; Il would just ring the
breakfast bell, and all the boarders
would be in the dining-room in three
minutes
1t is said that the Emperor of Rus
sia "chOps wood for exercise This
gives his wife more time to gossip over
the back fence with the next door
neighbors; but one would suppose that
the emperor got exercise enough dodg-
ing dynamite bombs and other internal
devices contrived by the nihilists,
without resorting to wood-chopping.
One sultry Sunday minister was
laundering away at his drowsy con-
gregation, the majority of which
would go to sleep in spite of all his
efforts. At last he shouted, "Wakeup
here! There is a man preaching to
you who has only half shirt on his
back" 1t woke them tremendously.
The next day delegation of ladies'
visited the parsonage and presented
the preacher with package contain
ing some very nice shirts, saying "That
it was shame that he should be re-
duced to half a shirt to his back" He
replied, after accepting the shirts with
thanks. "that he was not literally re-
duced to half shirt, although he wore
only half on his back; he wore the
other half in front of him."