Connecticut western news., 1883-03-21
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND TO LAUGH OVER.
The Wicked Boy-PuIling a TOoth-NO COm- plaints-Making Terms-A Pet Joke
 Was Willing, Etc., Etc.


 A Detroit milkman some time since secured customer whom he soon dis covered meant to pay in promises, but he realized that if he quit serving her he stood no chance of collecting the debt already contracted. He therefore planned to oblige her to dismiss him, and began by adding one-fourth water to the milk. No fault being found he put in fifty per cent. of water. Three days passed with out complaint, and the amount of water rose to seventy-five per cent. In three or four days more he served her with two quarts of water colored by gill of milk. Next morning he expected to hear from it, but as the servant girl made no complaints he asked:
 "How does the family like the milk ?"
 "Pretty we'll, I guess"
 "No complaints?'
 sNot as I've heard. Missus is wid- ow, you know, and doesn't drink tea nor coffee on account of the dyspepsia, and the boarders have all they can do to com plain of the butter''
 The man gave it up as bad iob.-De- troit Free Press.
 MAKING TERMS.
 At the battle of Buckland Mills, where the Michigan cavalry had it hot and heavy for half day, sudden flank movement of one of the regiments cut off about twenty Confederatesswho had dismounted and were sheltered by 8 fence. There was no escape for them, and a captain rode forward crying out:
 Surrender surrender If you don't surrender, we'll riddle you P He had almost reached the fence when | tall, long-haired "Johnny" lifted him. self up, threw one leg over the top rail, and coolly called out:
 "Say, you thar! Did you order us to surrender?"
 "Yes, and be quick about it p
 "How many of you uns are over thar? ?"
 "A thousand-five thousand-enough to eat your whole army up"
 "And you want us to surender?"
 "Yes-at 'em, boys!"
 "Waal, now, capting," continued the old Confed., "don't be in such dratted hurry. Here's nineteen of us here, and the boys would like to know how much you'll pay head, and whether we are to get cash or take it out in dicker. Come, cap, make us your best figgers, and don't let's have any more jaw about it P M. QUAD.
 | A WICKED BOY.
 "Well, what have you got to say about putting up signs in front of my store, Rotten Eggs and 'Frowy Butter a Speciality" said the grocery man, as he took the bad boy by the ear and pulled him around. "You have got an idea you are smart, and want you to keep away from here. The next time catch you in here shall tell the police and have you pulled. Now git"
 The boy pushed his ear back on the side of his head where it belonged, took out cigarette and lit it, and after putting smoke in the face of the grocery cat that was sleeping on the cover of the s:,gar barrel, he said:
 eff I was provision pirate, that never sold anything but what was spoiled so ii couldn't be sold in 8 frst-class store, who cheated in weights and measures, who bought only wormy figs and de cayed coGfsh, who got his butter from @ fat-rendering establishments, his cider from a vinegar factory, and his sugal from 8 glucose factory, would not in' suit the son of one of the first families. Why, sir, I could go out on the corner and when I saw customers coming here I could tell story that would turn thei1 stomachs, and send them to the grocery on the next corner. Suppose I should tell them that the cat sleeps in the driet apple barrel, and the mice made nests il the prune box, and rats ran through thu raisins, and that you never wash you hands except on Decoration Day anc Christmas; that you wipe your nose ol your shirt-sleeves, and that you have tn itch, do you think your business woul' be improved? Suppose should tell tn customers that you buy sour-kraut of wooden-shoe Polacker, who makes it c z pieces of cabbages that he gets b gathering swill, and you sell that stuff t
 respectable people, could you pay tn rent? If should tell them that you pu lozenges in the collection-plate at churc and charge the minister forty cents :, pound for oleomargarine, you would hay to close up. Old man, I am onto you I and now you apologize for pulling m & ear."
 The grocery man turned pale durin
 the recital, and finally said the bad bo
 was one of the best little fellows in th o town, and the boy went out and hung u G a sign in front: "Girl wanted to cook. Q l-Peck's Sun.
 n PULLING TOOTH. e "Weel, Bridget" said Margery, "ho d did you get along with the docthur?" d Bridget-"Says I, 'Och docthu t dear, its my tooth that aches entirel, e and I have mind to have it drawn co e and it blaze yer Says he til me, 'Ocl d murther, can ye ask me that now?' Say tt I, Sure have slept day or night tines tt three days?' So thin the docthur too e his iron instrument in hurry, with { IS little consarnment as Barney woul d swape the knives and forks from til e tables. Be aisy, docthur,' says d there's time enough-you'n not be y such @ hurry when your thurn come