Connecticut western news., 1883-04-25
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO LAUGH
 OVER.
Two HfnGes-A Harmless Snake-The New
 Arithmetic-A Puzzle-Kevenge, Etc.
THE TWO HINGES,

slrloln steak in front of gentleman a few days ago. "Thats the toughest piece of meat ever tackled" exclaimed the man as he put the ice-water pitcher out of the reach of his right elbow, "and General Grant made me eat mule meat off the hind legs in Vicksburg in '63." The man, seeing that it was useless to try to make an impression on the steak with the knife, sat back in his chair ex- hausted. After musing few moments he called the waiter and asked if there was another steak in the place like the one he had before him. He received an answer in the affirmative.
 Bring it right here and two brick bats with it; reckon I'll try Honolulu sandwich.
 What's dat, sah ?''
 ''Go long and get me another steak"
 The waiter obeyed and the man took newspaper from his pocket, wrapped the steak up in it and went to the cashiers desk with a check for sixty cents
 ''Got to, catch train, eh ?" exclaimed the cashier; "and haven't time to eat here, eh?"
 "No," replied the man, mot exactly. You see, I arrived in New York from New Orleans last week, and the baggage smashers knocked the hinges from my trunk. I am going to replace them with ncfa Iok my trunk gets back to New Orleans there won't be 8 fibre of my new patent hinges stretched. I'll get square with those baggage. smashers even if I do lose a square meal"
 PERFECTLY HARMLESS.
 At Cross Keys my horse felt lame, and as night was coming on I gave up the idea of reaching Port Republic and made for the nearest farmhouse. The people were kindness itself, and when bedtime came gave me the bedroom off the parlor and bed so high and wide and luxurious that I was asleep in five minutes. In less than an hour the old farmer rapped on the door and put his head into the room and queried
 Stranger from Michigan, are ye awake ?" "Yes."
 Ills everything all right ?''
 ooh, yes."
 You ain't narvous, are ye ?'
 "Not bit"
 1T just looked in to tell ye that.we are bothered 8 good deal with milk snakes. The old woman says there was one racing around this room to-day, and she meant to have driven it out but for got to. They are harmless as kittens, you know, and if you feel one in bed with you don't feel bit alarmed Good night"
 It was awful good in him, but he doesn't know to this day that piled out of that bed like streak O lightning, got into my clothes, and then skipped through the window and slept in the barn all night.-Det,'oit Free Press.
 SOMEWHAT SUGGESTIVE.
 Teacher" What is the noblest animal in the world, and mans best and most useful friend ?"
 After painful pause one of the smallest boys in the class raised his voice and said, the dog, sir"
 "Correct," replied the teacher, "but I should have thought that some of you big scholars ought to have answered that"
 A very fungus growth spoke up and told the teacher that "the young fellow ought to know better than the rest o the class, for his father keeps butcher shop"
 The school takes thirty minutes fol recess.-Old Timer AN ORIGINAL CALCULATION.
 "You can't add different thing together" said school teacher 1T you add sheep or a COW together i does not make two sheep or two cows."
 A little boy held up his hand and said "I know of two things added togethe that make one, a man and lot o whisky"
 "And how does that make one? pra, tell"
 "Why, sir, it makes one man one bi fool,' was the caustic reply.
 A NEWER ARITHMETIC.
 A woman placedfour pounds of col' meat and eight slices of bread before tramp. At the end of twenty minute how much was left?
 A young man by swearing off on cigars tobacco and beer saved thirty cents pc day for six months. How many fro suppers would this give him at $8 pc supper?
 If it costs $2OO for young lady learn painting, a1d she turns out tw landscapes worth forty cents apiece what is the net profit?
 An Indiana girl trapped eighty -thre rabbits and sold them for thirteen cen each. What was the sum total, an how much did she have left after bu, ing her father $10 overcoat? The average woman groans 125 time per hour when suffering with toothach while the average man utters thirty-tiN cuss words every seventy seconds. the end of three hours how far ahea will the woman be? A man in Richmond wound up a : eight-day clock every night for thirtee 3 straight years. How much time, est mating three minutes for each win' 5 could he have put in at hoeing corn hs he known what sort of clock he had Detroit Free Press.
 THE OHIO WAR. = farpoar raSidinp in Central Oh