The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1883-03-30
HUMOR.

WHO II the most finished orator?
asks o correspondent. Well, Demos
thens has been finished about as long
as any Of them.
CossAaNAo, the French editor, has
fought one hundred and ten duels. He
has, therefore, run about as much risk
as man who has played three games
of baseball.
A CHATTANOOGA darkey, who was one
of jury which failed to convict for
want of evidence, explained to his
brethren that the culprit was released
on s'picion."
The moralist says: "Every man is
occasionally what he ought to be per-
petually. Then, again, some men are
perpetually what they ought to be only
occasionally"
"IN choosing q wife," says an ex-
change, "be governed by her chin
The worst of it is that after choosing q
wife one is apt to keep on being gov
erned in the same way.
Two LITTLE girls were comparing pro-
gress in catechism study: Il have got
to original SIM" said one. "How far
have you got?" "Oh, I'm beyond re-
demption," said the other.
A CHNAMAN never swears when he
gets mad, because there are no "cuss
words" in his dictionary. He simply
upsets his washtub, butts the bottom
out, kicks dog, and feels better.
"No, SIR" said the man, ''you needn't
tell me q woman ever had her dress
pocket picked. 1 know I've tried for
two hours to find the pocket of one Of
nv wifes dresses and had to give it
up"
"Can any of You children tell me why
Adam fell?" asked an Austin Sunday
school teacher Only one raised his
hand. "Well, now, Johnny, what was
the cause of Adams fall?" "a banana
peel" guessed Johnny.-Teras SVt-
ingS.
A POEM at this office beginning, "The
evening dew is falling fast" is subject
to the order of the author. We are
aware that the evening dew is falling
fast"-there are about ninety-five days
due on note we have in bank.-Mid-
dleto1Un Transcript.
SwNEBURNE sings: / hid my head
in nest of roses" Did you, Algernon,
did you? That was wise in you to hide
it among the roses. Now, if you had
covered it up in nest of cabbages,
when you come to pick it out again you
could not have told for the life of you
which head was yours. Stick to the
roses, old boy, every time.
A HOLLOW mockery. Spillkins
brought home some some Swiss cheese,
from an Austin grocer, which is full of
holes. He partoolz of it very literally,
but when he complained, few days
afterwards, of feeling of emptiness,
little Johnny, who is one of the smart
est boys in Austin, spoke up and said:
81 know what makes you feel empty,
pa. It's them big holes in the cheese
you ate the other day"
A YOUNG society man, Busset Gillian
by name, is under the mistaken impress
sion that he is an actor, and he has
been reciting Shakespeare to few
chosen friends, with view to perfecting
himself for the stage. Wishing to OBJ
tain the candid opinion of a perfectly
unprecedented person. he recited, with
wonderful facial contortions, that
speech in which Macduff is advised to
keep on laying, to Gilhooly. After he
had got through raving, he asked Gill
hoolly if he did not think he was
almost ready for the stage. Gilhooly
thought over the matter, and finally
said: "Yes, think you might drive
stage, but you will never do for bar
Der, you cut too many faces."-Teras
SVtings.
To WOMAN there is lurid fascination
in shopping that no mans imagination
can comprehend. Take the concen-
trated essence of enjoyment man gets
out of smoking, chewing, baseball,
pool, poker and church socials. and you
don't begin to size up the JUNCTION of q
healthy young wife turned loose on
State street with fifty-dollar note in
her pocket. She's in for a regular ben
der-a wild dissipation of rufiies, lace
and things---and she fiutters around
from counter to counter in a thrilling
ecstacy of pricing cottoDs and match
ing colors. The blissful dream is over
some time. Then, with o sigh, she re-
leases her last nickel which she has
tied mp in the corner of her pocket
handkerchief to pay for her car fare,
and she hurries home, her head aching
fit to split, her swollen feet bursting
the narrow bounds Of her number four
Balbrigans, and her heart cold with q
racking fear that Jones' young man will
change those checked hose for some of
inferior quality. or that the sweet thing
III fall prints won't wash after all