The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1883-01-12

WHY WE LAUGH.
Any noisy boy can beat drum all hol-

low.
An early settler-A cocktail before break
fast.
TO get mp dinner of great variety, cooks
should be allowed wide range.
Santa Claus can fill more Sunday school
seats than any other man On the job.
Malone wears no vest and no suspenders.
This makes him a frequent readiuster.
Manufacturers of lucifers are not pugilists
although they are often engaged ip boxing
matches.
Mrs. Langtry should have put spelling
book 10 Freddy Gebhardt's stecking.-Chi-
cdgo Times.
"Beecher has been pitching into hell, !"
says an exchange. What, already ?-Buf-
.fato Express.
Mr.. Iounghusband, who has seven silver
ladies among his wedding presents, says he is
in favor Of "silver service REFORM"
A country editor has been made the victim
of diamond robbery. His opponent stole
the ace of that SUIT out of the pack.-BostOn
Post.
The interchange of Christmas presents in
many cases means the giving of something
you can't afford in return fer something you
don't want.
A much abused editor wrote to a brother
journalist calling him an ass and thought
lessly signed himsslf'"Yo fraternally."-
Chicago Eye.
Boots are like men. No good when they
are tight.-Bditimore Ecery Saturday. And
yet getting tight is but loose habit with
men.-N. Y. Ne,rs.
1t was an Erie druggist who labeled new
liniment "Phiz," because a learned friend
told him that was popular name for human
lineaments.-1etegraph.
There sprang leak in Noah's ark,
And then the dog began to bark;
Noah took its nose to stop the hole,
Hence dogs nose is always cold.
Humane Journal
There's this to be taken into consideration.
Mrs. Langtry has made several thousand
dollars while some of us have been standing
round and saying she couldn't act.-Boston
Post.
A Kentuckian says the people down his
way believe in taxing luxuries but not ne
cessities. They want the tax taken off of
whisky and tobacco and put on pumps and
bibles.
There are generals in the German army
who have as many as thirty-six medals of
honor, and yet find it hard to keep out of
debt. When you desire TO honor man give
him the cash.
Mis-. Langtry has had newly invented
patent corset named after her. OF corset
will give the paragraphers a chance TO make
smart remarks about her short stays in our
principal cities.-7erds Siftings.
At dance given in North Carolina the
other night one man was stabbed, one shot,
two dubbed, two had bones broken, one
woman had an eye put out, ana the house
burned up. Balance TO partners. Detroit
Free Press.
Herr Most, the German agita:or, says his
chief motive in coming to America is TO es.
tablish socialistic propaganda. The Phila-
delphia Press thin.s starting brewery, with
hops al their present figure, is pretty haz-
ardous undertaking.
j \ FAMILY HISTORY.
There v H. old Sam SimonS,
And young Sam SimOnS,
Old Sam SimonS's son;
And young Sam Simons
i still Sam SimonS,
Though oil sam SimonS i gone.
The new style postal card, with lap
over The writing. is soon to 90 into general
use; but flap will never protect the con.
tents If postal card from being read.
Nothing bu1 a time lock, or a burglar proof
safe will maintain the purity of a postal
card.-Peck's Sun.
A Lady stepped upln Banana skin aud
Fell to the Pavement with Dull, Sickeniug
Thud. A hard hearted man, passing that
Way, laughed Coldly, and refused Assist
ance. Sir" exclaimed the Lady, 81 have
Seen enough of you to Convince me that you
Are no Gentleman" Sand l." retorted the
Malicious man, shave seen Enough to in
spire Me with a Similar Opinion concerning
yourself."-Denrer Tribune Primer.
At a hotel In this city Saturday q couple
from the country, of Milesan extraction,
took seats at the dinner table. Directly af-
ter young couple seated themselves oppo-
site, and the young man took stalk Of cell
cry from the dish and commenced eating it.
The old lady opposite looked at him mo-
ment with an air of disgust, and then nudged
her husband and said, in stage whisper,
"D'ye moind the blackguard ateing the bo-
kay."-Os,uego Times.
"Look here" said the governor to a high
state official. "when are you going to pay me
that SO? "Upon my honor, governor,
don't know" 'Why, sir, the other day,
when mentioned the fact of your indebted
ness, you asked me where would be Tues
day." eyes, SIR" swell, wasn't that a
promise that you would pay me Tuesday p"
'.No, SIR" "Why then did you want to know
where l would be Tuesday," "Recause
wanted TO know where you'd be so | could
make arrangements to be somewhere else."
-Irkansd,r Traveller,
Frank Lum ba rd's Old shady.