Daily Republican., 1883-10-19
II u MOROUS.

A farmer came into a grocery stOr,
the other day, and exhibited to the eye
Of an admiring crowd an enormous egg
, about six inches loug, which he avowet
to have been laid by one of his owl
! hens II. had it packed in cotton, and
Z wouldn't allow anybody to handle it fol
! fear of breaking the phenomenon. Th,
/ grocery man examined II with the rest
! and, intending To chatf he countryman
said: " rshaw' I've got something In
/ the egg line that will beat that" "Il
bet you five dollars yon haven't?" said
4 the countrylnah, getting excited
Takelt up, replied the grocery man;
ard going behind the counter, he
brought ont wire egg beater.
"There's something in the egg line that
will beat it, guess" said he, reaching
for the stakes. Hold on, there" said
the farmer " let see you beat it, and
he banded il to he grocer. The latter
held out his hand for it, but dropped It
In surprise Oh the counter, where 1t
broke two soup plates and a platter. 1t
was vi solid iron painted white. Some
folks think they're tarnation cute, -
lnnttered the farmer, as he pOcketed
the stakes and lit out; but no use
buckin against the solid facts
Johnny had come home from school
several times within month with va
rious bruises on his face and body receiv-
ed in fights with his schoolmates, and
on the last occasion his mother threat
ened him with severe punishment if he
ever engaged in u fight again. Only a
few days after the small chap appeared
with black eye, aud, scared by the
stern maternal greeting Well, sir 2"
he departed from his usual truthful
ways, and stammered : " fell down
and hit my head on Il stone" "And
which got the worst of it 2" asked his
big brother. "Oh, the other fellow"
answered Johnny, briskly. "He's
gone home with two black ewes"
A member of Congress from the far
west who was invited to dinner at
Washington, is now telling his con-
sttuents all about it. "There wasn't
anything on the table when I got
there" he says, but some forks and
spoons and bricky.brae. Presently
they brought in some soup. As didn't
see nothin else, thought I'd eat all
the soup | could, though soup is a
| mighty poor dinner to invite feler to.
SO was helped four times and then
came on the finest dinner ever see and
there | set, groans he, chock-ful of
sOuD.'
" What did you come here after?"
inquired Miss Susan Drayer of bache-
lor friend, who made her "a call when
the rest of the family had gone out. 81
came to borrow some Matches" he
meekly replied. Matches That's a
likely story. Why don't you make q
match? know what you came for"
exclaimed the delighted miss, AZ she
crowded the old bachelor into a corner
you came here to kiss me and hug me
TO death, but you sha'n't, without you
are the strongest, and goodness knows
you are -
you are very martial people"
observed an English swell at Newport,
10 golden dude from the metropolis.
iath, y returned the latter, eve licked
the BWitish in two Wahs." | didn't
allude to that, said the BritOn, "but
to an experience had last winter in
Georgia. "Aw'" al went hunting
with party of gentlemen. There were
ten beside myself. A fow ling piece
exploded in the midst of us, and"
" Horwibe :" "And wounded nine
COionels."
" All, here are some interesting sta
tislics,' said Mr.. Job Shuttle, as he |
wiped his eye. glasses. " 1t seems that |
twins occur only once in 80 births |
" Well, that's encouraging now, ism:
II "' said his wife, with smile. "And |
trlplets," continued jon, occur only
once iii $40 births, W lie bankruptcies
only once in 81 l26 births. Great jinks,
wb t a family II man must have before
he can be the happy father of quadru.
plets -
The group at the country grocery
store were commenting upon the mum
her OF distinguished men who had died
during the past year, and deploring the
fatality that seemed 10 attend the illus.
trlous OF jhe earth. It's very true,"
put in a pale-faced man who 2ontribu-
ted regularly TO the poets corner Of the
village weekly paper, "and the doctor
has ust forbidden me to eat sliced Gu
clmbers.'
" The top OF the morning to We, Mrs
D Flaher'y." The same to We, Mrs,
o. RAFFERTY,. An did ye SET the or
plants marchin' Yesterday >" "l.did
Heaven bless livery mothers son of|
EN- ! But didn't see little Johnny
O'Hern in the procession " An sure,
he's not an orphant any more Has quit .
The business, and gone TO learning t
thr;lde, he has. " Arrah, Heaven bless
him for his enterprise" |,
"A saloon keeper at Reno, NeD., who I
had many customers of the dead beat
variety, prepared for them q drink made /
'f spirits OF turpentine, favored with
pitch pine splinters. The beverage was
40 agreeable to the tender pa.ates of the t
'ldtimers that they spread its fame far I
md wide, and il is now esteemed by '
he public in general one Of the pleas. a
tntest ofmixed drinks from this season L
)fthe year.
" love my wife" young Mr Oscu- !,
us, who has been married only six
weeks, was saying-"l love my wife az =
10 other man does - And then the ~
ippling smile of appreciation went .
'round the company and died away in
giggles in Swallowed win.
low seats ana dlmly lighted corners, -
nd the young man felt that he had !,
allied to make himself understood Just II II
3 he wished to be. u u
Miss PhEbe Couzns, who was III h
he vicinity Of the Minnesota cyclone, 4,
vas reported among the lost. She
writes that she is safe. 1t appears that T.
J hen she saw the cyclone approaching a
he commenced TO delivar one of har l.
'omen's rights speeches, when the a
esom of destruction suddenly turned Ii,
II its heel and went bowling how.ful- g,
over the prairies in another direc.
on. i,
- feel just-hic lo'rus'old fell: wazz- r
er 'pinion me, anyhow, drunkesman-lo OF
ic-yever saw ,eh ?" Yes, that's about k
~ " Would you like to see a --hic- p
runker man than l am ?" Well, lp
es, think | would Just az q curiosity. Itt