Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-02-21
The ROYAL Bumper Degree.

The Royal Bumper Degree.
Don't you think my pa is showing
his age good deal more than usual ?"
asked the bad boy of the grocery
man, as he took smoked herring out
of box and peeled off the skin with
a broken-bladed jack-knife, and split
it open and ripped off the bone, threw
the head at a cat, and took some
crackers and began to eat.
'Well, | don't know but he does
look as through he was getting DID,"
said the grocery man, as he took a
piece of yellow wrapping paper, and
charged the boys poor old father with
dozen red herrings and pound Of
crackers "but there is no wonder he
is getting old. wouldn't 60 through
what your father has, the last year,
for a million dollars. | tell you, boy,
when your father is dead and you get
step-father, and he makes you walk
the chalk-mark, you will realize what
bonanza you have fooled yourself
out of by killing off your father.
The way l figure it, your father will
last about six months, and you ought
to treat him right the little time he
has to live"
swell, l am going to-" said the
boy, as he picked the herring bones
out of his teeth with piece of a
match that he sharpened with his
knife. "But | don't believe in bor-
rowing trouble about a stepfather so
long beforehand. | don't think ma
could get man to step into my pas
shoes as long as lived, not if she
was inlaid with diamonds and owned
a brewery. There are brave men, /
know, that are on the marry, but none
of them would want to be brevet
fsthar to cherubim like me, except
he got pretty good wages. And then,
since pa was dissected, he is going to
lead different life, and guess | will
make man of him if he holds out.
We got him to join the Good Tenn
plars last night.
mo, you don't tell me-" said the
grocery man, as he thought that his
trade in cider for mince pies would be
cut of. $50 you got him into the
Good Templars, eh ?"
"Well, he thinks he has joined the
Good Templars so it is all the same.
You see, my chum and me have been
going to private gymnasium on the
west side kept by Dutchman, and
in the back room he has all the tools
for getting up muscle. There, look
at my arm," said the boy as he rolled
up his sleeve, and showed a muscle
on his arm about as big as an oys-
ter. "That is the result of training
at the gymnasium. Before / took
lessons | hadn't any more muscle than
you have got. Well, the Dutchman
was going to dance on the south
side the other night, and he asked my
chum to attend the gymnasium, and |
told pa if he would join the Good
Templars that night there wouldn't
be many at the lodge, and he wouldn't
be so embarrassed, and, as | was one
of the officers of the lodge, would
put it to him light, and he said he
would go, SO my chum got five other
boys to help us put him through. So
we steered him down to the gymna-
stun, and made him rap on the storm
door outside, and | said who comes
there, and he said it was pilgrim
who wanted to jine our sublime order.
| asked him if he had made up his
mind to turn from the ways of an
hyena and adopt the customs of the
truly good, and he said if he knew
his own heart he had, and then l told
him to come in out of the snow and
take off his pants. He kicked lit
tie at taking off his pants, because it
was cold out there in the storm door
dog house but / told him they all
had to do it-that princes, potentates
and paupers all had to come to it.
He asked me how it was when we in
itiated women, and / told him women
never took this degree. He pulled of
his pants, and wanted check for
them, but told him the grand mogul
would hold his clothes; and then
blindfolded him, and with base ball
club | pounded on the floor as / walk.
ed him around the gymnasium, while
the lodge, headed by my chum, sung,
we won't go home till morning.
Then | stopped in front of the ice.
water tank and said: "Grand Wor.
thy Duke, l bring before you pill.
grim who has drank of the dregs un.
til his stomach won't hold water, and
who desires to swear off, The grand