The Bozeman weekly chronicle. (Bozeman, Mont.) 1883-1889, 1883-08-08
THE BAD BOY.
LOOKS UP LIFESIzE FOR THE AMUSE.
MENf OF ALL.
Doctors His Pa and Saves that WORTHY
from Drunkard's Grave.
From Pecks Sun.

From PecRs Sun.
"Come in," said the grocery man to the
bad boy, rs the youth stood on the steps
in an uncertain sort of way, as though
he did not know whether he would be
welcome or not. 81 tell you, boy, l pity
you. l understand your pa has got to
drinking again. It is too bad. l can't
think of anything that humiliates boy,
and makes him 80 ashamed, as to have a
father that is in the habit of hoisting in
too much benzine. A boy feels as though
everybody was down on him, and I don't
wonder that such boys often turn out
bad. What started your pa to drinking
again ?"
20, ma thinks it was losing money on
the Chicago races. You see, pa is great
on pointers. He don't usually bet unless
he has got sure thing, but when he
gets what they call a pointer, that is,
somebody tells him certain horse is
sure to win, because the other horses are
to be pulled back, he thinks q job has
been put up, and if he thinks he is inside
the ring he will bet. He says itdoes not
do any hurt to bet, if you win, and he
argues that a man who wins lots of
money can do a great deal of good with
it. But he had to walk home from the
Chicago races all the same, and he has
been steaming ever since. Pa can't stand
adversity. But guess we have got him
all right now. He is the scartest man
you ever saw" and the boy took q can
opener and began to cut the zinc under
the stove, just to see if it would work as
well on zinc as on tin.
"What, you haven't been dissecting
him again, have your" said the grocery
man, as he pulled stool up beside the
boy to hear the news. "Row did you
bring him to his senses"
"Well, ma tried having the ministers
talk to pa, but pa talked Bible, about tax
ing little wine for the stomach's sake,
and gave illustrations about Noah get
ting full, so the minister couldn't brace
him up, and then ma had some of the
sisters come and talk to him, but he
broke them all up by talking about what
an appetite they had for champagne
punch when they were out in camp last
summer, and they couldn't have any ef-
feet on him, and so ma said she guessed
would have to exercise my ingenuity
on pa again. Ma has an idea that have
got some sense yet, SO I told her that if
she would do just as l said, me and my
chum would scare pa so he would swear
off. She said she would, and We went to
work. First took pas spectacles down
to an optician, Saturday night, and had
the glasses taken out and a pair put in
their place that would magnify, and !
took them home and put them in pas
spectacle case. Then l got a suit of
clothes from my chum's uncle's trunk,
about half the size of pas clothes. My
chum's uncle is very small man, and
pa is corpulent. got plug hat three
sizes smaller than pas hat, and took the
name out of pas hat and put it in the
small hat. got a shirt about half big
enough for pa, and put his initials on the
thing under the bosom, and got num-
ber fourteen collar. Pa wears seventeen.
Pa had promised to brace up and 60 to
church Sunday morning, and ma put
these small clothes where pa could put
them on. told ma, when pa woke up,
to tell him he looked awfully bloated,
and excite his curiosity, and then send
for me-"
"You didn't play such trick as that
on poor old man, did your" said the
grocery man, as smile came over his
face.
"You bet. Desperate diseases require
desperate remedies. Well, ma told pa
he looked awfully bloated, and that his
dissipation was killing him, as well as all
the rest of the family. Pa said he guess
ed he wasn't bloated very much, but he
got up and put on hisspectacles and look
ed at himself in the glass. You'd dide
to see him look at himself. His face
looked as big as two faces, through the
glasses, and his nose was sight. Pa
looked scared, and then he held up his
hand and looked at that. His hand
looked like ham. Just then l came in,
and turned pale, with some chalk on
my face, and begun to cry, and said,
o, pa, what ails you? You are 80 SWELL
ed up hardly knew YOU Pa looked
sick to his stomach, and then he tried to
get on the pants. o, my, it was all l
could do to keep from laughing to see
him pull them pants on. He could Just
get his legs in, and when got shoe
horn and gave it to him, he was mad. He
said it was a mean boy that would give
his pa shoe horn to put on pants with.
The pants wouldn't come around pa into
ten inches, and pa said he must have eat
something that disagreed with him, and
he laid it to watermelon. Ma stuffed her
handkerchief in her mouah to keep from
laffing, when she see. pa look at hissclf
The legs of the pants were SO tight pa
couldn't hardly breathe, and he turned
pale, and said, 'Hennery, your pa is a
mighty sick man. and then ma and me
both laughed, and he said we wanted
him to die so we could spend his life in
surance in riotous living. BIT when pa
put on that condensed shirt, ma she laid
down on the lounge and fairly yelled,
and laughed till my side ached. Pa got
it over his head, and got his hands in the
sleeves, and couldn't get it either way,
and he couldn't see us laugh, but he
could hear us, and he said, It's darned
funny, aint it, to have a parent swellcd
up this way. If l bust you will both be
sorry Well, ma took hold Of one side
of the shirt, and took hold of the other
and we pulled it on, and when pas head
came up through the collar, his face was
fairly blue. Ma told him she was afraid
he would have stroke OF apoplexy be-
fore he got his clothes ON, and l guess pa
thought so too He tried to get the col
lar on, but it wouldn't 60 half way
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