New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-07-18
WIT AND. HUMOR.
Yelling at q telephone but receiving
no 1,enlv Is q s.hnllar.,, mock nl.u

Yelling at q telephone but receiving
no reply is q ''holler' mockery.
The slang phrase "a deadsure thing"
: has been superseded by the elegant ex-
preston, 80 deceased surety"
Michigan has pomologist who can
mention eighty-two varieties of apples
and throw in q peck Of green plumbs.
Many man who raves if he has to
wait ten minutes for train, can sit all
day and fish without getting a bite.
That great bridge, costing $15,
900, may be crossed for cent! Think
of it!
The startling report comes from Lon
don that Oscar Wilde has cut his hair.
The sedate journals of that city pro-
nounce him crazy
Sarah Bernhardt's autobiography is
expected to appear in October, nearly
six months later than promised. But
then there is so much of her autobiO-
graphically.
By way of a seasonable suggestion,
the Boston Star says that now is the
time to begin an animated correspon-
dence with country friends. Perhaps
you'll get invited out to visit them.
Political conversation: Wife, reading
newspaper to husband-stI see that the
state juggler has resigned" Husband
| -'.Look further down and see how
much he stole. "-ArkGns0aO Traveller.
The Sussex county farmer in England
plows with from three to five horses in
a single line, and he cries to his animal;
'sMather woot,'' ''COme hither, wilt
thou?"
It is mentioned in Gotham that Brook
Ign men, now that there is new bridge,
will have toinvent a new lie to tell their
wives, the story that they were detained
in New York by the fog being no long
er available.
An exchange says that "the truth is
the highest thing a man can keep" The
fellow that wrote the above evidently
never owned a horse which he kept at
livery stable when oats were dollar
Observation-Disclosures Saturday.
If brooms are wet in boiling suds once
a week they become. very tough, and
will not break up SO easily when a fond
wife is demonstrating with her husband
and trying to induce him to do better
Bismarck Tribune.
A Dubuque man accidentally knock
ed himself down with club that he was
waving toward some cats. He then did
the best thing he could under the cir
cumstances. He jawcd his wife.-Bos-
ton Post.
sis that about the right length, sir?''
asked the skillful barber, as he finished
cutting his customers hair. II like
the sides and back,' was the response;
''but wish you would make it little
longer on top. "-Amecdotes of Barriers.
elbow many races are there?'' was
asked by Kentucky schoolma' am. Up
sprang shockheadcd youngster. with
yard-widc smile on his face, and ex-
claimed: ''Three- spring meeting,
midsummer speeding aid fall fairs
ooh, dear!'' sighed Mrs. p, with
toothache. "Why can't people be born
without teeth?' eff you will reflect
a moment, my DEAR replied Mr.. p,
'you will be convinced that such is the
fact
There is complaint in New York that
policemen frequent saloons too constant
". The remedy is very simple. Fire
off a pistol and yell murder! There
won'tbe apoliceman within eight blocks
of the place for days.
Mrs. Belva Lockwood, the lawyer,
says it is easierto get a divorce in Maine
than a drink of whisky. The laxness
of the divorce business in that State
could not be more forcibly put.-Lo,OeW
Courier.
The wife of bran-new member of
Congress told her neighbors that her
family would remove to Washington, but
she was undecided as to how they would
live in the capitol; she preferred taking
one of the Potomac flats.
A traveller just back from voyage
over the Dead Sea, after paying $37 for
two hours ride, says: mo wonder
the Lord got out of the boat and walk
cd on the watcrs-it cost too much to
ride. l would have walked too if
could.
The Detroit Free Press has dug up the
fact that in olden times Roman SEN
ator used to shut himself up for three
days after eating onions; but the great
man of to-day walks right out Of the
house and begins to argue with the first
man he meets.
AConnecticut woman has sold out her
millinery shop and opened saloon.
She concluded that supplying women
with headgcar was neither as pleasant
nor as profitable as fitting men with
nightcaps. = Cincinnati. Saturday
Night.
At a wedding in Harlem, where the
bride was very dilatory in arriving at
the church, a lady remarked, concern
ing the affair: '.What an idea it is that
woman should be late in getting here,
when she has been waiting twenty-six
years for just such chance as this
Nothing breaks up the capper Of
circus side-show more that to work his
level best to induce q man with six
children along to go into his tent, and,
when the man at last consents, finds he
is a clergyman with q free pass for HIM
self and his progeny.
An Illinois man got divorce from his
wife because she fed him on cod liver
oil for breakfast and bought piano
which she did not know how to play.
If the latter ofense is to become ground
for divorce we shall all be turned out
into the green pasture of single blessed
ness.