The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-02-08
WIT AND HUMOR.
rhe child who cried for an hour did

Among the novelties for 1888 the
Philadelphia Neps announced an al
manac with a new joke in it.
The man who swallowed a silver dol
lar said that it rather ''cramped" him
financially, but it had a capital taste.
A japanese woman delights in doll,
while an Ameican girl dotes. on dol
man.
Staid old maidens do not look upon
the new hugging waltz as the proper
caper.
Eldest daughter (aged 10): Il wonder
what made ma marry pa? He is not at
all the sort of man l should have cared
for?'
Prof. Proctor still sticks to it that this
earth was formed at least 10000, 900
years ago, and yet we love to talk
about our grandfathers' days.
A wag, speaking of friend whom he
suspected of living altogether beyond
his means, observed that he believed he
would owe several thousand dollars
after all his debts were paid"
The two hackmen who robbed Texas
travellers are evidently trying to raise
enough to go up to Niagara Falls, where
they can charge 81 per minute and live
honest.
Most men will chin and dodge and
back at you on any argument, but not
may will allow another to split hairs on
the question of Next" in barber
shop when it's his turn.
Nora Perry says in a recent letter:
'Pam not surprised at anything Mr..
Eowells says" Now is the time for
air. Howells to remark that Nora is
prettier than Mrs. Langtry.
"Yes," said the fair but false Young
vocalist to Bumbleton, ''that is an old
English song with refrain.n "Ahr'
replied the orusty critic, ''that juza suits
me. Refrain frcm singing it."
First swell: ..By Jove, Fred, that is
quite tne highest collar Pve struck yet"
Second swell: Think so, old man?
Well, don't mind telling you; it's a
little idea of my own. It's one of
fathers cuffs"
What is the meaning of the word
'tantalizingp" asked the teacher
"Please, marm," spoke up little Johnny
Holcom, ''it means circus procession
passing the school-house, and the
scholars not allowed to look OUT
The crown prince of Germany the
other day met Frau Lucca in Berlin.
Madam" he said, II am sure you de-
serve very much pity" 'Why?" asked
the astonished prima donna. Because
you cannot hear Lucca.n
Butcher: ''For dinner? Yes, ma am.
Nice quarter of lamb, ma amp Mrs.
Turtledove Ca bride of two weeks):
''Oh, but there are only two of us!
Don't you think an eighth would do as
well?''
Teacher: "Can you multiply together
concrete numbersP They appear un-
certain.) Teacher: "What will be the
product of forty apples multiplied by
six pounds of beefP" Small boy, tri-
umphantly: ''Mince pies.''
A married lady declined to tell a
maiden sister aay of her troubles, say
ing. when ignorance is bliss it's folly
to be wise" Yes replied the sister,
"and I've come to the conclusion that
when singleness is bliss it's folly to be
wives"
The Irishman had correct apprecia-
ton OF the fitness of things who, being
asked by the Judge, when he applied
for license to sell whisky, if he was of
good moral character, replied: Faith,
yer honor, don't see the necessity of
good moral character to sell whisky"
The remark of the pious Eneas, the
classic exclamation, "Horresco. refer
ens"-'1 shudder to relate"-is sup
posed to be The prototype of the modern
expressions, 81 should blush to mur-
mur,n Il should litter to calculate,
ETC. 1t sounds like the remark any ass
is liable to make.
A woman in Akron, Ohio, bothered
the Central Telephone Office for an
hour and half trying to get her HIS
bands ear, to tell him an important
piece of news. When she was put in
communication with him, all she had to
say was: ''Baby's got a tooth through"
A Fairhaven 5-year old ito school
for the first time, came home at noon,
and said to his mother: Mamma, 1
don't think that teacher knows much"
'Why not. my dearp'' "Why she
kept asking questions all the time. She
asked where the Mississippi river was"
you say your wife gets mad and
raises row?' 81 should say she did
She makes enough fuss to run a freight
train forty miles an hour" '.But if you
knew that she was in the habit of get
ting mad, why did you marry her?''
because if / had held back she would
have got madden than ever"
When man wakes up in boarding
house with an unpleasant series of
Jumps all over him, he knows that his
mattress has been put on the bed of
some new conner who has rented one of
the inexpensive rooms. 1t is fortunate
for the occupants of hall bedrooms that
clearinghouse napkins are all equal.
Dispatches from Egypt state thct the
wives of the Bedouins who psurdered
Prof. Palmer have been ca,,tured and
viii be held as hostages for tne murderers.
1t is not believed by nsarried men, how
ever, that any of tie Bedouins connect
ed with the tragedy will become lame
from runrIng in the direction of the
British Embassy.
Ostrich farming has its drawbacks.
The ostrich does not set. She don't
have time. She does not squat down,
over something and insist on Matching
it out if it takes all summer. but she
just lays couple of porcelain cuspi-
dores in the hot sand when she feels
like it, and then goes away to the sea-
side to quiet her shattered nerves
A book agent wandered into q Bow
cry museum the other day and talked to
a wax figure of Gen. Jackson three hours,
trying to induce him to subscribe for a
work in 142 parts, price so cents each
no subscription taken for less than The
entire work. "Well,n he said, as he
turned to go. 'if you didn't want it,
why didn't you say SO two hours ago?''
An old darky said to his wife at the
circus: 'Look ahere, Suse, yer just got
to make up yer mind; eff yer gwine to
take de shoes yer can't go to de circus,
an eff yer is gwine to de circus yer can't
get de shoes" just about tlis time
the band struck up lively air, and
Suse told the old man she would go