Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1883-11-10
A SOLEMN cosvERsAr1os.

| turning in his chair and contemplating his
| wife with a solemn expression on his
visage. "My dear, what would you do
if I were suddenly called away by the
angels p
"Good gracious ?" exclaimed Mrs.
| Spoopendyke, dropping her scissors and
looking up with jerk. "What put that
idea into your head %
"Don't you think they are just as liable
to come fishing after me as any one else ?"
demanded Mr.. Spoopendyke, sitting up
straight and rumplng his hair ominously.
P'rhaps you have got some kind of no.
ton that the rest of the world have cor
ner on this angel business, and that I'm
short on a rising market. WHAT l asked
was. what would you do if l should be
called home without any particular amount
of warming"
"You needn't be afraid of that, smiled
Mrs. Spoopendyke. cit is great deal
more likely that will go before you do.
Why, you are good for forty years yet, and
YOU know | am not very strong"
"Got it all fixed, haven't you y remon-
strated Mr.. Spoopendyke, Strengthening
bolt upright, and glaring at his spouse.
+" Been making all the arrangements for the
dissolution of this family without consult
ing anybody, haven't ye? l tell ye, no
man knoweth when the last measly hour
cometh, and if you think your candle has
got any longer wick than mine, you're way
off your nut, you hear?'
Eyes, DEAR" murmured Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, soothingly "if you should die,
dear. think it would kill me"
Now you're talking" grinned Mr..
Spoopendyke, somewhat Modified by this
concession on the part of his wife. "You
know the best of us is liable to go any
moment, and you can't tell when l am
likely to be scooped up. Think you'd cry
much ?" and MIR. Spoopendyke folded his
arms and assumed an aspect Of great resig-
nation, as though he already heard the
bells ringing for him.
"Why, of course" replied Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, rather puzzled by the drift of the
conversation. I" l should try to think that
you were better off, but it would be nat.
ural for me to shed tears.
Just so 4" grunted Mr.. Spoopendyke.
"And if the natural tears didn't hold out,
l suppose you'd chuck in few artificial
ones rather than not keep up your end OF
the stick What makes you think would
be better off? he continued, as he caught
the full force of the reflection that there
might be some consolation for his widow IN
the faith that he had done pretty clever
thing by dying. Be glad, wouldn't you,
to see me launched into the grave like
fence post? Be great deal OF comfort to
you to know that you would never see me
again, or hear my voice any more 2" and
here Mr.. Spoopendyke broke down under
his emotion, and covered his face with his
hands.
Don't you feel well, dear?" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke, timidly. LET me
make you cup Of tea and you'll soon get
over your bad feelings"
"Never mind, " whispered Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, in broken voice. 6 suppose
you'd get the most expensive mourning
you could find, and have it made up as be-
coming as the life insurance would permit,
wouldn't you"
Certainly, dear, if you wish it" as
sented Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Only don't
think | could have it ready in time for the
funeral. could borrow black dress I'M
til nine was done, but ="
Aud | suppose you could hire some
grief to help you through the allotted
period of bereavement, couldn't you !"
Kissed Mr.. Spoopendyke, forgetting that
he was theoretically dead, and bouncing
off his chair "There wouldn't be time
to get on all the founce and rpfiles be-
tween my death and burial, and you'd
have to rent appropriate expressions OF
profound melancholy Is that the way
YOU want to be understood? Couldn't go
to my funeral unless you could outshine all
the other dod gassed widows in our set
That the idea you want to convey? That
all the consolation you want to peryade
my last hour with %
i"No, DEAR" cooed Mrs. Spoopendyke,
somewhat at loss to express herself
"what would you like to have me do?'5
"Do" roared Mr.. Spoopendyke, who
had expected the prospective widow to
burst into tears at the suggestion Of his
demise. "What do | expect you to do?
Go fishing When the Trump Of Immor-
talIty sounds for Spoopendyke, and he re-
plies, Lord, the remains are prepared for
the sacrifice = | expect you to get los OF
old hens together and have candy-pull
Understand it now? Does that dying re-
quest convey to your mind any intelligent
idea of the last wishes of the aefunct!
Think you could carry out that bequest
without getting the molasses all over the
corpse %
ives, dear" sighed Mrs. Sp1opendy Ike,
struggling to keep the tears back, as IN her
| imagination she conjured up the vision OF
| Mr.. Spoopendyke lying in his coffin with
| his poor face all stuck up with treacle
"Only wouldn't like to have fire in the
house when yeu were dead, because 1t
would be so hot for the mourners, and, you
know, a corpse ought to be kept as cool as
| l. -, wa thar "
$50 it ought, hadn't it ?" yelled MIR.
Spoopendyke, rather startled by this prac-
tical suggestion that he might not keep
long in a warm house. "And the mourners
ought to be kept comfortable If they are
going to enjoy the proceedings? ne con-
! tinued, remembering that IN the enumera'
ton of the reasons for not building IRE
the feelings of the bereaved were consulted
| before the effect on the late lsmented:
"That busts the scheme. No candy pull
over the remains OF Spoopendyke Can't
| ye think of something else! L say, ne
howled, as q new and particularly bright
| idea struck him. "You might have game
of Aunt Sally with me Set me up IN
corner and throw sticks at me, and then
| you could have in some ice-cream Tor the
mourners That would keep all hands
cool, and bust the hind sights off any
funeral that ever came off in these parts
How does that strike you! Think you
could manage to put up with my loss on
racket of that kind 2" and Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke placed his hand to his ear as If
anxious not to lose a word of his wife's
reply to this sensible proposition.
"Wouldn't you rather have me get
gone flowers, dear, and fill your Door
coffin up with fragrance 2" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, looking up to him aifec-
tionately.
"No p roared Mr.. Spoopendyke, as the
grim aspect Of crosses. wreaths, and an
chors in tuberoses presented itself to him.