Daily Republican., 1883-09-19
HUMOROUS.

! II u M MOROUS.
"No use yer ringin' dat door ball
missus, 'cOs mas gone to der oountr,
ter busticata fur a month, On de
house be all locked up" said littl
Tommy Blow, from the sidewalk
"Oh, I'm 10 sorry !" replied the lady
"I've brought her . basket Q
cherries. "Oh, did yer ?" said Tommy
glaring longingly at the basket well
give EN- ter me, an mebbe II yer goe
round der back way, dat mas got bacl
from der country, ans a washin pa
linen pants In der yard-0nly don't le
on l gnv yer the tip, for shed skin m
alive"
A priest, who had usually smal
congregation, was one day preaching a
q church in his village, when, lfe door
being open, a gander and several gees
came stalking up the middle aisle. Tn
preacher, availing himself Of the cir
cumstance, observed that he could nj
longer find fault with the people Of tn
district for nOn-attendance, becaus'
though they did not come themselves
they sent their respective representa-
tives.
"Well, there is one thing sure," said
Mr.. Job Shuttle, as he closed discus
sion on the wrong. sided ness of every
thing in general, "there is no justic'
In this world, and 1t makes me quit
warm to think of It," "True, Job,
said Patience "but the reflection tina
thep is justice in the next ought Il
make you feel great deal warmer"
Yes" he said; "yes, my tear poy,
dose Vetzelbaums ish fine beoples, und
hef connections higher Us Drinity Stee.
Mrs. Vetzelbaum's diamonds would
fetch dirty thousand tollars mid Diffany
& Co. eny tay. Pesides, dare uncle,
Solomon Moses, haf he'd cottage py
Long Pranch more as six years."
He: "Hurry, dearest, the carriage il
at the door, and your husband may
return at any moment" She "Wait
one moment. will not take with me
one gift that owe to that hated man.
My jewels (tears them off with fever.
ish haste). My false teeth casts them
on the table,. And now, now I am
wholly yonrs :"
A Party Of tourists, wandering
through the mountains in the moon
light, saw what they thought to be the
skeleton of mastodon, and went away
figuring on what they could ma Ike by
selling it to dime museum. On the
following day they went down to secure
the skeleton, and discovered it to be the
body of hay-wagon.
When man goes away Oh a summer
vacation, and pays for his room while
absent, he can never tell whether his
room has been occupied by some one
else during his absence, unless he mea-
sures his cake OF toilet soapdianetrical-
ly and circumferentially before leaving
and after returning.
Prof. Huxley holds that an acre of
good fishing ground will yield more
food in q week than an acre Of best
land will produce in a year. Huxley
evidently NJ yer tried catching fish him.
self. If he had, he would know that
one fish to each square mile of water
is about the average nowadays.
"Now, my boy, take those eggs TO the
store, and if you can't get aquart'r a
dozen bring them back" The hoy went
as directed, and came back, saying -
" Father, it takes me to make a trade.
They all tried TO get 'em for forty cents,
but screwed 'em down to twenty
five"
Why will dentist, when he is filling
your teeth, persist In asking all man
ners of questions, when your mouth is
crammed full of napkins, rubber. cot.
ton, fingers and tools To give a
straightforward, honest answer under
the above circumstances is very embar-
rassing
Recent legislation in Kentucky is
likely to have discouraging effect on
church going. A new law fixes the
legal distance between church and
the nearest saloon at mile. The effect
of this will be to make good many
men late for church.
Little Charlie was having wor'ly
war with his nurse. His father sang
ont "Now, Charlie, are you going to
be quiet, or shall come with rod ?"
Never mind the rod, papa" respond
ed the youngster I" | can set her right
without your help
Two gentlemen passed before an owl
set up in bird-stufter's window, and
discussed it for five minutes, deciding
that it was the worst case of "botchery"
in stutiing they ever saw; and then the
bird woke up and moved his head.
"Ma,' said Miss Parvenu, "Jenuie
Jones has heen presented at Court in
London" "That's nothing" replied
ma. "Why | was in court two whole
weeks when my sister was getting her
divorce. We are just AS good as the
Joneses.
"Do you pretend to have as good a
Judgment ~ | have"" exclaimed an
enraged wife to her husband. "Wtll
no, " he replied, slowly, "our choice of
partners for life shows that my j,idg-
ment is not TO be compared with
yours.
Mrs.. Summerbreeze's new girl was
told to watch the Turnover few min
utes when she returned the turnover
was burned toa crisp, and the girl re-
"Sure, l've watched 1t, mum
but 1t hasn't turned over.yer."
".rhere are no birds in last years
nests, sings poet. No, and there
are no pigeons in last years pigeon
hoes,' sighs spendthrift. "The only
thing in thelD that eve. suggests pigeons
Is lot of bills"
A timid young man has married a
lady whose weight verges closely upon
two hundred pounds. "My dear" he
says to her, shall help you over the
fence ?" "No," says she to him; help
the fence"
A will is on record in which the tesla.
tor makes the modest request that the |
executors bury him in the plainest
possible by the side of my dear
may be the most con.
venient."
Why, Willie, what in the world is
;he matter with little Oscars head ?"
Willie "Well, we were playin' Will
lam Tell, an somehow my arrow won't
nit the apple, but keeps pluggin' his