Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1883-04-03
The Bad Boy Creates an Odor.

1u0 Dau DOy CT0AGcS du VuVAs
"What was the health officer doing
over to your house this morning ?" said
the groceryman to the bad boy, as the
youth was firing frozen potatoes at the
man who collects garbage in the alley.
10, they are searching for sewer gas,
and such things, and they have got
plumbers, and other sanitary experts till
you can't rest; and came away for fear
they would find the sewer gas and warm
my jacket.
"Sh-h-h! Now don't you breathe a
word of it to living soul, or 1 am dead
boy. You see was over to the dairy
fair at the Exposition building on Satur-
day night, and when they were break
ing up, me and my chum, helped to
carry boxes of cheese, and frkins of
butter, and the cheeseman gave each of
us piece of Limburger cheese, wrapped
in tin foil. Sunday morning I opened
my piece, and it made me tired. o, 1t
was the awfullest smell / ever heard of,
except the smell when they found a
tramp, who hung himself in the woods,
on the Whitefish Bay, and had been
dead three weeks. Pa and Ma were just
getting ready to go to church, and cut
off piece of cheese, and put it in the
inside pocket of PAS vest, and I put an
other in the lining of Mas muff, and
went down to church too, and sat on the
back seat with my chum, looking as
pious as though I was taking up col
lection. The church was pretty warm,
and by the time they got up to sing the
first hymn, PAS cheese began to smell q
match against Mas cheese. Pa held
one side Of the hymn book, and Ma held
the other, and Pa when he sings for all
that is out, and when he braced himself
and sang "Just AS AM" Ma thought
PAS voice was tinctured with bilious
ness, and she looked at him, hunched
him, and told him to stop singing, and
breathe through his nose, because his
breath was enough to stop a clock.
Pa stopped singing and turned around
kind of cross toward Ma, and then he
smelled Mas cheese, and then he turned
his head the other way and said 'whew!
and they didn't sing any more. but they
looked at each other as though they
smelled fury. When they sat down
they sat as far apart as they could get,
and Pa sat next TO woman who used
to be nurse in a hospital; and when
she smelled PAS cheese, she looked at
him as though she thought he had the
smallpox aud she held her handker-
GulGI " uGT AUS6. 1u0 LudI Ill GA6 OJuO1
end of the pew that Ma sat near, he
was stranger from Racine, who be-
longs to our church, and he looked at
Ma sort of queer, and when they got up
to sing again the man took his hat and
went out, and when he came by me, he
said something in whisper about
female glue factory. Well, sir, before
the sermon was over every body in that
part of the church had their handker-
chiefs to their noses, and they looked at
Pa and Ma scandalous, and the two
ushers they came around in the pews
looking for dog, and when the minis
ter got over his sermon, and wiped the
perspiration off his face, he said he
would like to have the trustees of the
church stay after meeting as there was
business of importance to transact. He
said the question of proper ventilation
and sewerage of the church would be
brought up, and that he presumed the
congregation had noticed this morning
that the church was unusually full Of
sewer gas. He said he had spoken of
the matter before, and expectedit would
be attended to before this. He said he
was meek and humble follower of the
Lamb, and was willing to cast his lot
wherever the Master decided, / but he
longer in church that smelled like q
bone boiling establishment. He said
that religion was a good thing, but no
person could enjoy religion as we'll in q
fat rendering establishment as he could
in flower garden; and as far as he was
concerned, he had got enough.
Everybody looked at everybody else,
but Pa looked at MaAas though he knew
where the sewer gas came from and Ma
looked at Pa real mad, and me and my
chum lit out for home and distributed
my cheese all around. [ put slice in
Mas bureau drawer, down under her un-
der-clothes, and piece in the spare
room, under the bed, and piece in the
bathroom in the soap dish, and q slice
in the album on the parlor table, and a
piece in the library in book, and I
went to the dining room and put some
under the table, and dropped piece un-
der the range in the kitchen. I tell you
the house was loaded for bear Ma
came home from church first, and when
asked her where Pa was, she said she
hoped he had gone to walk around q
block to air himself. Pa came home to
dinner, and when he got smell of the
house he opened all the doors and Ma
put comfortable around her shoulders
and told Pa he was disgrace to civilis
cation. She tried to get Pa to drink
some carbolic acid. Pa finally convin-
ced Ma it was not him, and they decid-
ed it was the house that smelled 80, as
we'll as the church, and all Sunday
afternoon they went visiting, and this
morning Pa went down to the Health
Office, and got the Inspector of Nuisan-
ces to come up to the house, and when
he smelled around spell he said there
was dead rat in the main sewer pipe,
and they sent for plumbers, and Ma
went out to neighbours to borry some
fresh air, and when the plumbers began
to tear up the floor of the basement
came over here. If they find any of
that Limburger cheese, it will go hard
with me. The hired girls have both
quit,and Ma says sheis going to break up
housekeeping and board. That is just
into my hand. I want to board at q
hotel, where you can have bill of fare,
and toothpicks, and everything. Well,
I guess will go over to the house and
stand in the door and listen to the
hooking bird. If you see me coming
out Of the alley with my coat-tail full Of
boots, you can bet they have discovered
the sewer gas"