National Republican., 1883-01-10
THE CAPITAL GUIDE.
His Marvellous Stock Of Historical AllegoriCal,
and MetaphoriCal Information.
The Unerring Precision With Which He
Selects His Patrons.
His Disregard Of the Doctrine Of Real Presence in lis
Application 10 Prominent Statesmen.
The Btnignity OF Manner in Which Tie
Assesses Iiis Fees.


world there are none like them. without
the capitol guides visiting strangers would go
away in pitinblc state of Ignorance. They
would know next to nothing about the cap.
itol Of their beloved country, and what little
knowledge they might manage to absorb
would he largely in the notion of misinfor-
nation. With the assistance of guide,
however, visitors are put on an equality
with the oldest inhabitants at once, and
at tritling expense. The guide meets you
(moanng the visitor) the moment You get
within range of the capitol. lie is lying i'm
the distinguished honor of his personal ac.
quaintanCC, he knows you by the cut of your
clothes the polish Of your shoes, the newness
of your hat. lie knows you by the hcsitat-
ing air of unfamiliarity that envelopes you as
you enter the grounds and begin the ascent
that sleads to the grand pile, and ho
knows the lady who accompanies YOU by the
cliuging, vinc-lilSc way she clutches your
arm for protection, by the timid way she
glanccs about her, and by the expression of
reinsurance and returning confidence that
steals over her countcnanCc rs she allows her
bcauteous eyes TO rest on your manly form,
your broad shoulders your store clothes and
your set face
HE HAsTENs TO GREET YOU
WlIn. AM nelll1 1 sec you arc strangers. L
should be very glad TO take you through the
buildings and grounds and show you the OBJ
icCts of interest-the grotto, the library, the
supreme court room. the senate chamber, hall
of the house of representatives, the dome, and
all the splendid paintings and pieces of stat
uary."
Your face clears of like an April sky after
heavy shower The guide imprcsscs you
rs being a person of vast and varied accom-
plshments. He some way leaves you to be-
liove that he is an cX-congrcssman or q states
man in hard luck, and you are very glad to
have met him. He leads the way with u
grandiloquent gesture which takes in Wash
iugton and the adjacent county, and says as
plainly rs words could do, and much more
eloqucntly
"This Is all mine. Be my guests and will
assure you of the freedom of the district. If
you SEQ anything you would like, just men
tion il, and / will give 1t to you.'
You feel you have found jewel, n gem of
the purcst ray serene. These paintings you
sec,' he says on entering the rotunda, and
indicating the sketches by scmicircuar
sweep of the right arm, "urc'tho grandest
works of art to be seen in the world" "rhis,"
he continues pausing in front of the scene
which is supposed to represent George Wash
ington in the act of rcsignhg command of the
armies, " is General Washington us he APP
pcarcd after the war of 1912 in the act of re-
llIlnB 10 MS luIln ulUST SlNlllB lllc
second time"
The baptism of Pocahontas next attracts his
attention. "That Is Pocahontas linccling in
front of Luther Martin, the revivalist. Tho
mau behind her is Capt. John Smith and the
scowling red man TO the right is Hiawatha, II
great-great grandfather of Red Cloud, the last
Of the Mohicans. She is rcnouncng tflc faith
of her foTeiathers and taking the oath of alle-
glance to the United States. This incident
occurred near Pilgrims Rock about forty years
after Columbus founded the city OF Boston
and laid the corner stone Of Bunker Hill mon-
ument."
He discourscs with much fuency, intclli-
gGnce, historical accuracy, and artistic taste
about the other paintings of our stoclly legged
ancestors and meek and lowly ancestresses, de-
failing the circumstances undcr which they
were painted, throwing in the names of the
articles and the prices paid for each for extra
measure.
"That painting of George Washington
shaking hands with Oliver Cromwell over the
bloody chasm after the battle of New Orleans"
pointing to the surrender of CORVALLIS, twas
done by Rcubcns in 1880, and cost the gov
cmmcnt $4,000. These paintings cost alto
gothcr over half q million dollars, and they
are considered masterpieces"
"This," he says, pecring into side en-
trance, Is the supreme court room, and that
old gentleman" indicating Judge Field, I" is
NlllGl JNsllCt Nulle' NNEuS ElClu llOlNl-
ing ont Justice Gray" Jay Gould's partner
sits at his right, and Judge Bradley at his
left"
From position
IN THE SENATE GALLERY
he tolls you graycly that Senator Hale, who
happens TO bo presiding at that moment, is
Senator David Davis, He also points out
Senator Bayard for Senator Brown, and mixes
up Senators Malone and Dan Voorhees, with
the most charming disregard of consequence,
and let's his tongue run on with an unceasing
flow OF cheerful anecdotes about the great
men he singles out on the floor, lie tells you
ALL ABOUT THE CORRESPONDENTS
and makes You happy by locating James, Cor
don Bennett, Whitelaw Reid, WILDER f..
Story, Charles A. Dana, aud other great liter
ary lights who have money enough to hire
men to do their writing for them, paying their
editors princely salaries for doing nothing
except to dash of ten or fifteen thousand
words day, and stay up all night that they
may not miss something before breakfast the
next morning You feast your eyes on the in
tellcctual giants until your brain reels and
you seek refuge in the other end of the capi-
to, whore the guido Grams you with useful
information about tho congressman lie is
never at loss for names and Identities, The
accidental absence Of McssrS. llubhell, Val
cntiuc ITor, Cox, Hewitt, Kelley, or Robe
from pointing them out TO you, and going
into their family histories at great length
aud with amazing volubility. Tho physical
presence Of tho persons he is showing you
might seriously ombarrass him, rs facts en-
harras5 the gifted Gath.
The capitol guide does not loom up in the
fulnGss Of his glory until ho gets you into
the dome and sGduCes you into climbing four
or five hundred steps, pauslng when near the
top to persuade you to
, HIRE A FIELD GLASS
OF the youth in charge of II stand, from whom
he collects a 80 per cent. commission on his
way down. Concerning the beautiful panOr-
anna stretched out beneath him, he opens II
perfect mine of information. The bones of
tho mthcr Of his country, he assures you,
ropose peacefully under that unsightly sug-
gcstion of unrCali2ed possibilities known rs
the Washington monument, which has voXcd
the eyes of the world for thousand years or
less. lie shows you Georgetown, Alexandria,
the botanical garden, white house, treasury
department, the market houses, the navy yard,
United States arsenal, Arlington, and other
points of interest and his explanations would
knock the oldest historian into fit. The
guide is a whole encyclopedia in himself and
when you finally prepare to bid him Il re-
luctGnt farewell you feel that the payment Of
a mere fee is a compensation entirely made
quatctte the requirements OF the case. You
feel that he has
PLACED YOU UNDER LASTING OBLIGATIONS
and you wonder how you are going TO square
accounts. Tho kind hearted guide seeks TO
relieve You of embarrassment by suggesting