Morris tribune., 1883-03-17
SPOOPENDYKE.

| Now, my dear" said Mr.. Spoopendyke,
opening the book and assuming the correct
dramatic scowl "Now, my dear, we'll re-
teaIse our parts for specklewottl.'s theatre
Gals. I'm to be Hamlet and you are to be
queen, and We want this thing to go off
about right. The hardest part we have to
| play together is where / accuse you of pois.
oning my father, and we'd better try that I'M
til we get it perfect. I I'll commence:
snow, mother what's the natter
: "Well, was thinking whether had bet
ter wear my black silk or my maroon
suit" returned Mrs. Spoopendyke, sticking
her finger into her mouth reaectively
do queens wear"
| Twill you be kind enough to tell me what
pack of cards you got that idea of queen
frem?" demanded Mr.. Spoopendyke, fixing
his wife's eye with glare. DO You sup
pose that queen sent for Hamlet to get his
opinion about bargains in dry goods? When
| say that you must say,
Hamlet, thou has thy father much Of
fended!"
"Oh, 1 understand" pleaded Mrs. Spoop-
endyke. 81 thought you asked me Whist
was thinking about didn't know you had
commenced to play, Try 1t again"
| well you be reful this time" recon-
mended Mr.. Spoopendyke, in a tone of SOL
emn warning. This is a play, this is.
Think you know the difference betweea
play and bankrupt sale? Know the dis
inction between a play and millinery
shop Opening? Now, I'll begin again and
| won try tn do II dpceDtIv >
| Now, mother, what's the matter?"
There's nothing the matter now" re-
piled Mrs. Spoopendyke, Strengthening up
and preparing to be queen as soon as her
| turn came. go on, dear. / understand it
not"
Say it, can't yep thundered Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. Haven't We studied this business2
Don't We know your dod gasted part?"
"What shall 1 say, DEAR" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, looking at her husband with
dazed expression.
SAY" roared Mr.. spoopendyke. "sing
a hymn! If you don't know your part,
get off psalm! Didn't tell YOU what to
say? Look here" and Mr.. Spoopendyke
lowered his voice to the intense pitch.
Have you ever read this play2 Have you
conceived any kind of a notion of what
it's all about?"
why, yes" faltered Mrs Spoopendyke,
"You come in and stab Mr.. Specklewotte
behind the ears and l scream Isn't that
| right, DEAR"
Hear her!'' moaned Mr.. Spoopendyke,
frothing at the mouth. Stab Specklewot-
tie behind the ears! That's all right now
! nv
know SO much about your measley part,
why don't you play itf"
"We-e-e-e!" squealed Mrs. Spoopedyke,
faithfully following instructions. Il knew
l could do it right as soon as you showed
me how. Will that do?"
ooh, that was queenly!" snorted Mr..
Spoopendyke Topping into a chair and re-
garding his wife with rolling eyes. "Just
do that again! -Four of those dramatic eff.
forts will make this play the greatest of
modern entertainments! Do it once more!"
at hurts my throat" complained Mrs.
Spoopendyke. Cant we make it do with
one scream, dear?"
Mrs. Spoopsndyke," said her husband
with unnatural calmness, ''tberes been
some mistake made in this thing. You
should have been cast for Ophelia. That
was the part intended for you"
II would just as soon play it," muir
INJURED Mrs. Spoopendyke, who failed to
see the drift OF her husbands remark
What does he do?"
'He was an idiot from his birth and af-
terward went crazy" explained Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. THAT was the part for you
Then I'd rather be queen" retorted Mrs.
spoopendyke, bridling little. NOW,
dear, let's commence all over and I'll do
it right this time"
you can't do it worse" growled Mr.
Spoopendyke. 'I'll try it once more, Just
to see wha: kind of foolishness you can
| work off,
"Now, mother, what's the matter2
"We-e.e-e-e," giggled Mrs. spoopendyke,
satisfied that she was perfect this time.
Hamlet, oh, Hamlet we-e-e eel"
''Turn II off" yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke,
springing from his chair and capering
around the room as though snake had bit
ten him. "Be quick and break off the end,
What's the natter"
"We-e-e-e-el" squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke
profoundly impressed with the idea that the
play was still going on, and that she had
at last mastered the intricacies of her part.
whats the matter with you anyway"
howled Mr.. Spoopendyke, slamning the
book across the room and dancing up to his
wife.
| "We-e-e-e-el" continued Mrs. Spoopen
dyke. fattered with her success and glancing
admiringly at her husband. my dear, you
are just splendid as Hamlet. You should
have been an actor"
Twill ye ever shut up "gasped Mr. Spoop-
endyke madden than ever to think his
wrath was mistaken for acting. "Who ever
told ye to yell like that? Don't ye know
| anything at all scarcely? Think Hamlet's
lunatic asylum? Got some kind of no.
ton that the queens fog horn7 Where'd
ye get your idea Of this thing, anyway"
II did just as you told me, DEAR" argued
Mrs Spoopendyke completely taken aback
by her husbands criticism. "Yon said
was to scream when you asked me what the
matter was. Didn't do it right?"
ooh, that was right" howled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. "You struck the key hole of high
art both timesl With that yell and your
knowledge of the text all you want now is a
fire and a free list TO be dod gasted theater
with a restaurant attachment The first
time show comes around this way Pm 90.
ing to fit you out with hair trunk and
pair of hoofs and start you for a managerial
Such talent as that can't be wasted on any
cheap Shakespeare plays while I've got the
money and influence to get you a job in the
legitimate circus!" and Mr.. Spoopendyke
kicked the book through the window, peeled
himself like a potato and dove into bed
with flop like whale.
Il don't care" murmured Mrs. Spoopen,
dyke, cutting some paper into little squares
to.paste over her Montagues," II don't think
they would let me wear my lace bonnet as
queen, anyway, and if don't play I can
sit in the audience with it on, and that's
great deal better than being queen and