Daily globe., 1883-06-29
PETH AND PONT.

WHtTe curious language! A man IS
late when he is dead and gone, and d
train is late when it hasn't come.
HE census proves that the number
Of persons in family III the United
States is n small fraction over 1--WE. In
some families the husband is the small
fraction over.
AFTER all, there is vast deal of
common sense in the remark of the de-
serter when he said: I'D rather be
coward all my life than be corpse for
fifteen minutes
AT medical examination young
aspirant for physicians diploma was
asked: when does modification en-
sue?" when you propose and are re-
jected, was the reply.
The telephone is in the Sandwich
Islands, and, as "hello' in the native di
alect is Observation-Disclosures,
YOU can imagine what kind of time
they have at the central"
IT is now necessary for an inventor to
have witnesses to his work, in order to
secure his rights. The witnesses must
be brought in at the moment the in
ventor feels like inventing something
IT does look something as if the only
way to stop these interminable disasters
at sea would be to adopt Max Adeler's
suggestion of having a man walk along
the bottom and hold the blame thing up
with pole.
A KENTUCKY girl always carries her
money in her stocking when she goes
shopping, taking along a lady friend to
divert the attention of salesman while
she hauls out her money. Her friend
must be fascinating beyond belief.
A HUMAN skeleton may now be
bought for $25 dollars. At this price it
hardly pays man to raise his own
skeletons; but some poor families will
continue to worry along without a
skeleton in the house as long as they can
get three dogs for dollar and half
-NOrriStOlC7l Herald.
A LEGISLATOR, who has large family
at home, and who has to be very saw
ing, entered an Austin avenue restau-
rant about dinner time, and asked for q
business consultation, which was
granted. Glow much DO you charge
for dinner?" Fifty cents" Chow
much for breakfast?" "Twenty-five
cents" "Then bring me a breakfast
for dinner?"-Teras SJt5ngs.
They had only been married a short
time. The other day she slr1ng her
arm around him and warbled, in low,
tremulous voice: "Do you realize,
Adolphus, that now we are married We
are only one?" NO" replied the brute,
Il can't realize it. I have just paid a
$75 millinery bill and lot more of your
bills, with several outside precincts to
hear from, so [ am beginning to real
lze that, as far as expense goes, instead of
being one we are about half dozen. I
can't take in that idea of our being one
just yet, not by large majority"
The late Bishop of Oxford prided
himself on being able to identify indi-
vidually all the clergy of his diocese.
But on one occasion when DR.. Wilber-
force was dining with a number OF
them, he observed one clerical brother
whose name he did not know. Unwill-
ing to confess his ignorance, and too
cautious to make inquiry, the good
Bishop approached the unknown, and,
by way of a feeler, remarked to him
Il forget how you exactly spell Your
name;" to which the somewhat discom-
fitting reply was, "J-o-n-e-s."
AN eminent Judge used to say that,
III his opinion, the very best thing ever
said by a witness to counsel was the re-
ply given to Missing, the barrister, at
the time leader of his circuit. He was
defending a prisoner charged with
stealing a donkey. The prosecutor had
left the animal tied up to a gate, and
when he returned it was gone. Missing
was very severe in his examination OF
the witness. do you mean to say,
witness, the donkey was stolen from the
gate?" Il mean to say, sir," giving the
Judge and jury a sly look, at the same
time pointing to the counsel, "the ass
was Missing"
JOHN HODGES, an Austin business
man, is being constantly feeced. not
only by strangers, but even by his own
son, without his ever knowing it. Not
long since he was speaking to friend,
who cynically remarked: Your son
seems to be a rather fashionable young
man" eyes, was the reply of Hodges,
'he is an awful smart boy. He keeps a
horse and buggy, goes to balls and par
ties, dresses in the height of the fash
ion, and the most wonderful thing.
about it is he does it On so q month.
He IS smarter than [ am, but my daddy
wasn't as smart as his daddy" TEXAS
SJtingS.