Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1883-09-27
WIT AND HUMoR.

it a point to speak contemptuously of
amateurs.
A lady who read that ''it's lucky 10
pick up horseshoe" picked up one in
a blacksmith's shop. The suddenness
with which she dropped it showed that
1t was not lucky.
Lake Shorge" he said, ''ish a fine
blaze-finer like silk, bud der prizes are
doc high like as Trinity steebles. Dot
ish Wy, my tear poy, go NIT my familie
to der Vite roundains.
An old lady in Kalamazoo, Mich, oh
jected to the setting of telephone pole
on her premises, saying she wasn't GO
ing to have that thing there to telegraph
everything she said all over the town.
1t was Vassar maiden, fresh from
school, who requested her father to "ar-
ticulate the elevation of Hermes in the
crystalline tube" when she wished 10
know the temperature.
Inquisitivencss rebuked: Mistress Ito
applicant for cooks position) n)-"Why
did you isave your last place?" APP
plicant-"You're very inquisitive marin.
l didn't AK you what for yer last cook
left you"
A lady once applied to Judge for a
divorce. What is the name of your
husband?" inquired the Judge. "Ihave
no husband vet. but inasmuch as con-
template matrimony, l feel that should
be prepared for the worst"
Exaerbation-She (they had quarrel
ed and were exchanging back their love-
letters: II suppose l needn't trouble to
return the locks of hair you've sent
me?" But he, being bald, had no sense
of humor.
A Lyme young woman serenades heI
lover with guitar every night. He is
sick in bed with the infiammatory rheu-
matism. If he doesn't join the angel
band pretty soon it won't be his girls
fault.
"Mary must have Summer bonnet, :"
remarked Mrs. Rattes to her husband
this morning, land l think l will have
my old straw pressed over for her." "a
chip off the old block, l suppose" re-
joinee R.-BoSton Courier.
A dealer in counterfeit money was re-
Gently interviewed as to the state of
trade, and in answer said, .Well, busi-
ness would be first rate, but we have
such trouble to find honest men to
handle the stuff on commission. THE
Judge.
The window in dentists Office came
down and caught cat by the tail, while
he was out; and fourteen people who
would have waited for his return, on 90
ing upstairs and hearing the cats voice,
decided to 60 home and stand the pain
of the toothache.
You can't convince the countryman
who madly rings the church bell half an
hour after every man, woman and child
in the village has arrived at the scene OF
the conflagration that he didn't take the
principal part in extinguishing the fire.
Boston Post.
"Do you believe that woman. nova.
days, would die for the object of her
love?" asked bachelor friend. 81 don't
know whether she'd die or not" an.
swered the Benedict; "but I've known
her to 60 wild when trimming didn' tsuit
her,
The composer of "Home, Sweet
Home" is moldering in the grave, tht
composer of kathleen Mavoureen" is
old and poor, and "Over the Garden.
Wall' is an outcast who dares not vent.
ure near civilization for fear of being hit
with a brick or something.
A Poor Matrimonial Speculation.-'I
had nine children to support, and itkep.
me busy said Smith to Jones, as they
met; "but one of the girls got married.
Now have" Eight" interrupted
Jones. mo, ten," said Smith, with a
sigh which might have been heard afal
Mrs. Sage. I should like to know
whose ferry-boats those are that stumb
led overin the hall" "Ferry-boats, in
deed sir! Those are my shoes. Very
polite of you to call them ferry-boats!"
II didn't say ferry-boats, Mrs. Sage;
you misunderstood me-fairy boots, I
said, my dear"
AS the circus bills begin to adorn the
wall, the anxious mothers can stop put
ting patches on the seat and knees of
her otfspring's pants and devote herself
to buying him new hats. Top and mar
bles are all right till the circus bill
comes, and then the American boy will
stand on his head or bust-a suspender.
.Evdmsville argus.
While more boys are born than girls,
it is singular fact that there is a sur
plus of female population. 1t is easily
accounted for. Fooling with pistols.
playing baseball, and falling off cherry
trees, all boyish pastimes, are six times
more hazardous than wearing corsets
ard jumping the rope five hundred times
in one inning.
"Who is this Tom Moore that Paine,
has been plagiarizing from?" asked one
Yale Senior Of another. BLESSED if /
know" was the reply; II have looked
over the college records. but failed to
find any such name," and then they
went into the gymnasium and began
pounding each other with boxing-gloVes.
Rochester Post EGpress.
A crippled man stopped q Philadel-
phia lawyer on the street the other day
and beggedfor aims. "Won'tyou please
give poor man with wife and large
family something to keep them from
starving?" For wonder the lawyers
heart was touched. "My poor fellow"
he said, 81 feel for you. haven't any
change to give you, but l tell you what
l will do; if you want divorce I'll only
charge you half rates.
"What is the matter, Mosep" asked
Jim Silverton of Mr.. Schaumburg, the
Austin merchantprince. II vas mad at
dot Schwindelmey. He hash not invit-