Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-07-30

''The proper place to curtail a bad bus
mess is just back of its ears
'Darn it - as the divorced citizen re-
marked when he found hole in his
stocking.
Some people must know themselves,
for certainly they never seem to think of
anybody else.
II love you stdl,'' said the husband
when his wife chased him around the
kitchen stove with a fire shovel
Newport is descending to a common
vulgar plane. One of the swell ladies
resident there gave birth to twins last
week.
An editor received q letter in which
weather was spelled ''wethur." He said
it was the worst spell of weather he had
ever seen.
The merry circus days have come, the
saw dust of the year; and while the ring
man makes things hum the clown walks
on his ear.
A grocer had pound of sugar return
ed with note attached to it saying, 'sToo
much sand for table use, and not enough
for building purposes"
Here is what he wrote: dearest love,
l have swallowed the postage stamp
which was on your letter because knew
your lips had touched it,
A Boston court has decided that if
woman lends money to her husband, she
cannot get it back. The decision will
not be new to many wives.
eff punish you," said mamma to her
little girl, 'you don't suppose I do so for
my pleasure, do your" ''Then whose
| pleasure is it for, dear mamma?"
| Fame is like a shaved pig with a greas-
ed tail; and it is only after it has slipped
ed through the hands of a few thousand
that some fellow, by good luck, holds ON
| to it.
A young gentleman, who had just mar
ried an undersized beauty, says she would
have been taller, but she is made of such
precious materials that nature could not
afford it.
A New York girl has discovered that
squeezing the hands enlarges the knuck-
les and spoils the shape. The moral OF
their own hands.
At St. Anne's Sunday school in Lowell,
Mass, in answer to the question, "What
is the greatest church festival?" a little
orphan of six years promptly responded,
''Phe strawberry festival"
EYES," answered the injured husband,
'sI would have gone for the man who
eloped with my wife, with a revolver,
only I couldn't bear the shame of expos
ing my poor craftsmanship.
A small boy in New York has made a
sensation for a short time by quickly
transferring card bearing the words,
''Take one," from lot of hand-bills in
front of shop to a basket Of oranges.
''They were speaking of a young lady
who sings beautifully, an1 one of the par.
ty asked, SIS she mezzo soprano?" s'No
l guess not. | think she is a Swede, y
was the innocent reply of high school
girl.
A laundering compositor, in setting ul
the toast, :'Woman, without her, MAJ
would be a savage" got the punctuation
in the wrong place, which made it read
sWoman, without her man, would be ;
savage"
There is a dream book out which warns
all young men not to propose to girl il
a snow storm. They should also be care
full about proposing to girls father wht
is leaning out of a second-story window
and whistling for the dog.
'sPut out your tongue little further,
said physician to female patient
little further, madame, if you please
little further STILL ssWhy, doctor, d
you think there is no end to woman
tongue?' cried the fair invalid.
An old Baptist preacher so straight
Calvinist that he leaned over backward
was defending his doctrines against
! man as ignorant as he was obstinate
And at length the preacher said to hi
opponent, ''Now look here, my friend
don't you believe what is to be will be-
mo, don't, at all. | believe what is t
] be won't be-
. Young middle aged ones, suffering fro