The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1883-05-30
THEBADBOY AND THE BABY
THE TROUBLE THE NEW ARRIVAL
EAs CAUSED.

Infants aSustenance--IIisN New situation ms
Teller in IA Livery stable.
"Well, how is the baby?" asked the
grocery man of the bad boy, as he
came into the grocery smelling very
"horsey," and sat down on the chair
with the back gone, and looked very
tired.
"Oh, dickens take the baby. Every
body asks me about the baby as though
it was mine. l don't pay no attention
to the blame thing, except to notice
the fooltshness going on around the
house. Say, 1 guess that baby will
grow up to be fire engine. The
nurse coupled the baby on to a section
Of rubber hose that runs down into a
bottle of milk, and it began to get up
steam and pretty soon the milk began
to disappear, just like the water does
when fire engine couples on to hy-
drant. Pa calls the baby 'Old Num-
Der Two l am Number One,' and if
pa had a hook and ladder truck and
hose cart and fire gong, he would
Imagine he was chief engineer Of the
fire department. But the baby kicks
on this milk wagon milk, and howls
like dog that's got lost. The doctor
told pa the best thing he could do was
to get goat, but pa said since we
'nishiated him into the Masons with
the goat, he wouldn't have goat
around no how. The doc told pa the
other kind of goat, L think it was a
Samantha goat he said, wouldn't kick
with its head, and pa sent me up into
the Polack settlement to see if 1 could
borrow milk goat for a few weeks.
got woman to lend us her
goat till the baby got big enough
to chew beef, for a dollar a week, and
| paid a dollar in advance, and pa went
up with me in the evening to help me
get the goat Well, it was the blamed
est mistake you ever see. There was
two goats so near alike that you
couldn't tell which was the goat we
leased, and the other goat was the
chum of our goat, but it belonged to
Nirish woman. We got q bed cord
hitched against the Irish goat, and
that goat didn't recognize the lease,
and when we tried to jerk it along it
reared right up and made things lively
for pa. 1 don't know what there is
about goat that makes it get so
spunky, but that goat seemed to have
q grudge against pa from the first. If
there were any places on pas manly
form that the goat did not explore,
with its head, pa don't know where
the places are. Oh, it damned him, and
when 1 laffed pa got mad. 1 told him
every man ought to furnish his goats,
when he had baby, and let go of
the rope and started off, and pa said
he knew how it was, L wanted
him to get killed. 1t wasn't that, but
l saw the Irish woman that owned the
goat coming around the corner of the
house with cistern pole. Just as pa
was getting the goat out of the gate the
goat got crossways of the gate, and pa
yaDked and doubled the goat right up,
and 1 thought he broke the goats
neck, and the woman thought so too,
for she iabbed pa with the cistern pole
just below the belt, and she tried to
get hold on pas hair, but he had her
there. No woman can get the advan-
tage Of pa in that way, cause ma has
tried it. Well, pa explained it to
the woman, and she let pa off if he
would pay her two dollars for damages
to her goat, and he paid it, and then
we took the nanny goat, and it went
right along with us. The baby
hasn't done anything but blat since
the nurse coupled it onto the goat
hydrant. l had to take all my play
things out of the basement to keep the
goat from eating them. 1 guess the
milk will taste of powder and singed
hair now. The goat got to eating
some Roman candles me andmy chum
had laid away in the coal bin, and
cheWed them around the furnace, and
the powder leaked out and a coal fell
out of the furnace on the hearth, and
you'd dide tosee pa and the hired girl
and the goat. You see pa can't milk
nothing but milk wagon, and he got
the hired girl to milk the goat, and they
were Just hunting around the base
ment for the goat, with tin cup, when
the fireworks went off. Well, there
was balls of green and red, and blue
fire, and spilled powder blazed up, and
the goat Just looked astonished, and
looked on as though it was sorry so
much good fodder was spoiled, and
when its hair began to burn the goat
gave one snort and went between pa
and the hired girl like it was shot out
of a cannon, and it knocked pa over a
washboilel into a coal bin, and the
hired girl in among the kindling
| wood, and she crossed herself and re-
peated the catekism, and the goat
! jumped up on top Of the brick furnace,
and they couldn't get it down. l
heard the celebration, and went down
and took pa by the pants and pulled
him out of the coal-bin, and he said he
would surrender, and plead guilty of
being the biggest fool in Milwaukee.
| / nnlled The kindlinp wool off the hired