The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-06-28
WIT AND HUM0R.

The distressed father who was anx-
iiously asking. Where is my wandering
boy to-daypT was last seen getting on o
car marked, 10 the Baseball. l."
Police matrons have not been ap-
pointed for the New York stations, as
the captains and sergeants don't want
20 be bossed.
A clergyman advertising for employ
ment during his vacation months says
he is mot particular as to latitude
east, west, north, or south.
Where are our women driftingp asks
an anxious writer. They are probably
securing the neighborhood for some but
ter and sweet milk.
A dozen patents were granted last
week on signaling apparatus. The
handkerchief, however, retains its pop
clarity in this respect
The Hindoos have $50, 900 gods, and
think the missionaries must be blooming
fresh to expect them to give up that
number for one.
A little girl hearing her mother OBJ
serve TO another lady that she was go
ing into half-mournlng, inquired wheth-
er any of her relations were half dead.
The New York Nesos hits the nail
pretty right on its head when it heads
It's retail market and Sunday dinners
with: 1.-The Interior Department.
"Mr. Isaacs, can you tole me we're vas
tho first diamondP" mo, Mr.. Yawcobs;
we're vas it?" "Vy, Noah's son on de
ark; he vas a Shem of der fust va
ter"
When Carlyle said that everybody
should have an aim In life he had no
reference to the fair sex. He had doubt
less often seen woman trying TO throw
stone at hon.
All the Asian authorities agree that IL
profane skeptic should undertake to
chop off or twist off the sacred tail Of n
genuine white elephant no would meet
with sudden death. A like divinity doth
hedge a mule.
Mrs. David Davis Is disappointed in
the large trees of California. She says
they arc not nearly so enormous as she
expected to find them. Mrs. Davis ought
not to expect a tree to look large when
her husband Is around.
''Yes," soliloquized the storekeeper
when he heard commercial traveller
rapping ut his door, "I had heard that
brass knockers on front doors were to
be revived, but did not suppose that
they would get around as soon as this. :"
al haf only Won brice for my goods, ="
said ono of our "clodink" merchants to
customer the other day, and then in
an aside to his head clerk he added, with
a wink, land dot vas to brice he is vii
ling to gif."
A man sitting In the back room of a
saloon playing euchre breathes about
eighteen times per minute. A female
voice suddenly falls upon his car, and
his respiration jumps to forty-nine
Quicker'n scat
One of the most sanguinary puns Oh
the season was perpetrated by the Bos-
ton Bulletin, as follows: IA blooded
horse is, of course, a good gore" After
such an effort as this, life appears much
brighter.
81 notice one thing about this hotel, p"
said one drummer to another as the pair
were seated at dinner; 1.-THE people here
understand the art of bread-making
$50 they do" was the response, ''but
they can't help it, you see; it's inn
bread"
A Lowell, Mass, man advertises a re-
duction of twenty-five cents thousand
on contracts OF laying 5000 shingles
We had no idea the boys were so bad in
Massachusetts, and we now begin to see
where Ben Butler got his start.-Csn.
Drummer.
Feel bad to think Iput that faro chip
In the contribution box by mistaken
said the Louisville man. II reckon I
do. That was $5 chip, and they'll
go and get it cashcd and get SIS out Of
me, when only intended to give them
80 cents.
Jay Gould has had sulphurous bath
put into his house. Snakes and the 9TH
er luxuries. so graphically delineated by
Dante, will, doubtless, be added as the
process of naturalization advances
There is nothing after all like a elear
conscience and healthy liver.
A woman is never content to say,
"He pulled my hair" She particular
izcs thus: ''He pulled me by the hair of
my head" This is necessary in order
TO distinguish between the hair of her
head and tho head of hair which she
purchased at the store.
A visitor in the country seeing very
old woman doing at her cottage door
asks little boy of or Z, who happens
to be playing near by, how old she is,
al can't say, SIR" replies the child,
politely; "but she must be very old
She has been hero ever since l can re-
member"
A newly arrived bride from the goose
countries, says the San Francisco Post,
got fearfully mad because when she sent
= for little ginger at the Palace the 9th
er day the clerk asked her if she was
suffering from cholera infantum. "And
we just married, too; the cheeky
thing"
That Irishman had n correct apprecia-
ton of tho fitness of things who, being
asked by the Judge when he applied for
license to sell whisky, it he was of
good moral character, replied, "Faith,
yer Honor, L don't see the necessity of
n good moral character to sell whis-
ky"
A lady never feels more like going
home and raising row in the family
than when she adjusts her garments as
she is about to. pass II clothing store
where she sees fifteen or twenty men
standing around the window, and finds
out after she has passed them that they
were dummies.
All AIhuuodS DOJs WIlLllS ItOlu COl-
lege in reply to his fathers letter, said;
$50 you think l am wasting my time in
writing little stories for the local papers
and cite Johnson's saying that tho man
who writes except for money is a fool.
shall act upon DR. Johnson's sugges-
tion and write for money. Send me
$50"
A little 6-year-old boy went into the
country on q visit. About the first
thing he had was bowl of bread and
milk. He tasted il, and then hesitated
moment, when his mother asked him
If he didn't like it, to which he replied,
smacking his lips, "Yes, mamma; was
only wishing our milkman would keep q
cow"
Where are you going, my pretty
maidensf" he demanded of two pretty
girls, who were hurrying at railroad
speed down Chestnut street. "Oh, do
not detain u.s." one of them answered,
sGtUa oro burr.xripv ~ to tho DoctOffico IN uat