News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-03-15
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
A Few of the Funny Things we Find In the
Detroit Free Press.
AN ACCOMMODATING MAN.


twist and certify and affidavit around to
get their bills allowed by the County
Auditors, and it was a source OF real
pleasure for one of them to present bill
for $27 for about Sc worth of office work.
One day constable with a warrant for
certain shoemaker doing business on
Larned street met his man in front of
the City Hall, and after notifying him
of the trouble in store added:
"Say, Jake, I've always used you
white"
eyes"
81 wouldn't serve this warrant if [
wasn't compelled to, and if you will call
for jury I'll try and fix the boys to let
you off,"
Thanks"
"Now, then, can I find you at the
shop at four o'clock tomorrow after
noon?"
"You can."
"Wen, I'll depend on it. 1 want to
ride forty miles between now and then
in search of you, so as to make travelling
expenses. If [ can make it fifty I'll buy
the cigars, but I'm good for forty any
| how"
Jake was at the shop at the hour
named and was duly arrested, and the
constabIe's bill included forty-six miles
of travel.
THE HANDY TELEPHONE.
The other day an individual who
seemed to be somewhat under the infu-
ence of drink, entered a business place
on Randolph street and inquired if they
had a telephone. Being answered in the
affirmative, he laid down ten cents, and
said:
"PIease talk for me as my voice is
very husky this morning. Please call
up Mrs. McGeorge."
"Has she telephone ~
Ono"
"Then [ can't call her."
"That's so. Well, call up Snyder's
grocery. That's within six blocks of NY
house"
The grocery was soon connected, and
then the man said:
ASK the grocer if he knows Mrs.
McGeorge."
"No, was the answer.
"Ask him if he had just as soon run
over to No. -, Twentieth street.
mo" came again.
"Well, tell him to pay some boy two
shillings to go to that number and ask
my wife if she told me we would want
another gallon of vinegar by next week
Friday, and she can telephone from
somewhere to the postofice and the post
master will send some one out to hunt
me up. Thanks for your courtesy. Aw-
full handy things, these telephones.
A VERY RECKLESS WOMAN.
81 want to know if there is any law in
this country for poor folks ?" began a
woman, as she stopped a policeman on
Michigan avenue recently.
"There ought to be, suppose" he
replied in doubling way. "What is
your case ?"
"Well, the other night [ was going
home, and in front of a vacant lot owned |
by rich man, fell down and almost |
killed myself. I want to make him pay
damages, but all my neighbors say that !
can't do it. Isn't there a stringent law |
about ice on the sidewalks ?"
"Yes'm. In case you are a poor man
you must clean it off In case you are
rich you can wait for thaw."
"But would you begin suit ?"
9TH leave that to you In the first
place the defendant will claim that you
We're drunk when you fell
My stars but I never touch
drop -
walk clear.
Yes, but it wasn't clear.
"Of course not, but he'll prove that
the man died suddenly, and he didn't
know it. Have you a weak anlle?"
"Mercy, no -
"Well, he'll prove that you have, OF
you would not have fallen. And then,
Toes he own the lot?"
"Why, Isuppose So"
"Your supposing may be all wrong
Begin suit and you may find that his
wife has deed. Sue his wife, and you
Will find that she has gone to Florida to
pend the winter, leaving the care of the
OF to a man who was called to Chicago
o see his brother die Just at the time
lie ought to have been sailing that side
walk.
''Then [ have no remedy?"
cit is q doubtful one. No one even .,
aw you fall. The jury would only have
our word for it, and the plaintiff might |
ven prove that you were a chronic liar" '
Dear, dear me !" she gasped, as she '
licked up her basket, ''what a lucky
hing for me that L met you! [ shall '
Dok upon this as one of the most mirac-
Ious escapes of my whole life. Stars
nd carriers but how could [ have even t.
een 50 foolish as to think of lawsuit p
ALWAYS DO.
81 sent you a statement of account
he other day" said a Detroit
nilor, as he met one of his poor-pay
ustomers on the street.
Did you? Sent it by mail, I pre-
ume ?"
Eyes"
''Put on a two-cent stamp"
"Of course"
"And directed the envelope to my
treet and NUMBER" s
eyes. sir"
"Ah Well, all right-it was proba-
~ delivered all safe. All letters prop c
rly directed to my address come right v
trough. Good day, sir"
HE UNDERSTOOD IT.
A woman who got on board the East d
RI bound train on the Detroit, Lansing /
Northern, al Howell the other day, s
as accompanied 10y big dog, and after
le train had moved out a passenger N
aIked back to the stove and asked of y'
lree or four young men sitting around il
lere: 81
Can any of you talk to a deaf and h,
lmb person by signs?"
81 can, though I'm out of practice" w
piled one.
every well. I wish you'd go and ask
lat woman over there if she expects /,
lends to meet her in Detroit. - n
The young man walked up. to her,