The daily Cairo bulletin., 1883-03-22
THE DAILY BULLETIN.
A MYSTERIOUS VISIT,
Mark Twain Is Interviewed by a Tax COL
lector How He Got Out Of 1t.

had never hearu OF MS pIanoH va p"'i
ness before, but was very glad to see
him all the same--would he sit DOWN.
He sat down. asked If he was opening
his shop In our neighborhood.
He said he was.
We talked, and talked, and talked
at least | did. And we laughed, and
laughed, and laughed--at least he did.
But all the time / had my presence OF
mind about mel had my native
shrewdness turned on. 'full head, v as
the engineers say. l was determined to
find out all about his business, in spite
of his obscure answers-an and was de-
termined l would have it out OF him
without his suspecting what ] was at.
/ meant to trap him with deep, deep
ruse. said;
"Now you never would guess what
I made lecturing this winter and last
spring
mol don't believe I could to save
me. Say seventeen hundred. maybeP"
"Ha, ha, knew you couldn't, My
lecturing receipts for last spring and
this winter were fourteen thousand
seven hundred and fifty dollars. What
do you think of thatp"
"Why, it is amazing perfectly amaz-
ing. Twill make note of it, And you
say even this wasn't alp"
"AllP Why, bless you, there was my
income from the newspapers for four
months - about -- about - well, what
should you say to about eight thousand
dollars, for instancepN
"SayP Why | should say should
like to see myself rolling in jnst such
another ocean of aflluence, Eight
thousand I'll make a note of it. Why,
man-and on top OF all this l am TO
understand that you had still more in
Gomez"
"Ha, ha, ha! Why, you're only in
the suburbs of it, so to speak. There's
my book-'The Innocents Abroad =
price $3.50 to S., according to the
binding Listen TO me. Look me in the
eye. During the last four months and
a half, saying nothing of sales before
that, but just simply during the four
months, we've sold ninety-tiye thousand!
Think of it. Average four dollars a
copy, say. It's nearly four hundred
thousand dollars, my son. | get half"
The suffering Moses! III set that
down. Fourteen-seven-tifty- eight-two
hundred. Total say--well, upon my
word, the grand total is about two hun
dred and thirteen or fourteen thousand
dollars. Is that possible?'
Possible! II there's any mistake it's
the other way. Two hundred and four
teen thousand cash, is my income for
this year if | know how | cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to go. AT
the last moment the gentleman handed
me a large envelope and said it con
tanned his advertisement.
AS soon as he was gone opened his
advertisement, | studied it attentively
for four minutes. then called up the
cook and said:
Hold me while I faint Let Maria
turn the batter-cakes."
BY and by, when ! came TO, ! sent
down to the rum mill on the corner and
hired an artist by the week to sit up
nights and curse that stranger and give
me lift occasionally in the day time,
Wnen l came 10 II ndTu plucc,
All, what miscreant he was His
advertisement was nothing in the
world but wicked tax return-a string
of impertnent questions about my pri-
vate affairs occupying the best part OF
four foolscap pages Of fine print-ques-
tions, may remark, gotten up with
such marvellous ingenuity that the old.
est man in the world couldn't under.
stand what the most Of them were driv.
ing at--questions, too, that were calcu-
ated to make man report about four
times the actual income TO keep from
swearing TO lie looked for loop.
hole, but there did not appear to be
anv. Inquiry No. / covered my case,
as amply as an umbrella could cover an
ant hill:
"What were your profits in 1869,
from any trade, business or vocation,
wherever carried on?'
And that inquiry was backed up by
thirteen others Of an equally searching
nature, the most modest Of which re-
quired information as TO whether ] had
committed any burglary or highway
robbery, or by any arson or other secret
source OF emolument in my statement
OF income as set opposite to my inquiry
No /.
1t was strange that the stranger had
enabled me 10 make an ass Of myself
1t was very, very plain, and went out
and hired another artist. BY working
on my vanity the stranger had seduced
me into declaring an income Of S2l4,-
000 BY law $1,000 Of this was exempt
from income tax--the onlyrelief ! could
see, and 1t was only a drop in the ocean.
At the legal five per cent Imust pay over
TO the government the appalling sum
Of ten thousand six hundred and fifty
dollars income tax.
l am acquainted with very opulent
man whose house is a palace, whose
table is regal, whose outlays are enor-
nous, yet man who has no income, as
! have often noticed, by the revenue re-
turns; and TO him went for advice, in
my distress. We took my dreadful ex-
hibition Of receipts, he put on his glass
es, he took his pen, and presto.--I was
apauperl II was the neatest thing that
ever was. He did il simply by deity
manipulating the bill Of deductions. p"
lie set down my State national and
municipal taxes at so much; my "loss
es by shipwreck, fire, etc, at so much
my "lOsgpg on sales of real astator n,