The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1883-04-20
THE MOUNTAIN HOWITZER.

One winters evening found myself
in small MISUNDERSTANDING down near
the border line of Tennessee. IL was an
awful cold night and half of the male
population OF the fown was gathered
around Il roaring lirc,in the only tavern.
drinking dynamite whisky and telling
tales. Among the party was Wyoming
journalist. and he Recognized me.
'.Say. Mark" said he. '.d'you know
rarheel and Bradfori?"
| replied that did and thai they both
owed me s..
You'll never get it, went on the
truthful Wyoming man, shut I'll tell
you good joke or them that is worth
live dollars us Il literary production.
''YOu see, one time Tarhecl and Brad
ford tramped intot Laramie with the
remnants of Il printing office loaded i'm
IN old covered wagon. with the hungrest
and most forlorn looking mule adrawin
the outfit rs ever Won see.
''They We're goinl to the Black Hills
TO start Il paper. Tie boys tried to pre-
vent the procession, because we knew
that Injuns were along the road and
they would be pretty sure To make pi of
the printing Office apicarryoii'the frowsy
scalps of them two fools. But they was
bound to go, and 30 they did.
1.-The boys gin them some prime Ticker
for u nerve, and Tarheel bought,a big
carving knife and horse pistol.
just rs they goh outside they met
Oh emigrant train, and Bradford insisted
on trading off half 81 the Ticker fur an
old brass mountain hOwitzer and some
powder that II man in the train had.
When they got this they felt as if they
could lick whole tribe of lnjuns.
That night they camped in little
hollow, jess off the road, feeling rs brave
as Julius Caesar. About nine O'Clock
their old mule gave bray that sounded
like the wall of Il lost soul, and the two
journalists sprang to their feet and stood
trembling by the wagon"
'lnjuns; sure as you're born whis-
pered Tarheel
.Hu-s-sh, said Bradford, gimme that
gun, and he pulled the hOwitZer out of
the wagon, and rammed in n bio charge
of powder.
.Wo "in't got any BULLETS said Tar
heel.
Never mind nervously whispered
Bradford, get that loaded matter in the
galleys.'
1.-The injuns could be heard creeping
through the grass. Them two cOons
were purity near scared to death. After
much fussing Tari,eel found some old
patent medicine cuts and logged out fOui
or five galleys of matter, all set up. that
was to form the foundation of the new
paper"
Quick said Tarheel, there they be
put in that cut Of Lydia Pinkham
and thousand Nonpareil of my poetry,
that'l kill 'em p. Il. d.
Barker ranmed these home with
shOotingstick and mallct, and they
steercd the muzzlc into the bushes and
fired. Shouts of agony, terrific war
whOops and many means followed the
first shot"
Didn't l tell YOU howled the de.
lighted Tarhecl, us Bradford put in
more powder. 1T was my poetry that
done it. Here, hurry. put in this col
umn loaded BREWER on the political
question. Ram i'm your criticism on
Margaret Mather!'
That's nogood, said Bradford, GIN.
me that essay about spots on the sun,
and more of your poetry-put in that
cut of Tots pills.
Bang! Awful destruction of Ind.
ians.
.WhoOp.' yelled Bradford, TUFTS
pills did it -they once broke my own
head. Did you see that spots ON the
sun knock the spots out of that big chief.
Wah! wah! wah! nothing like yom
poetry to pillow through them. Hurry,
now, ram i'm that blast about Gebhardt,
put in your funny article on onions and
tripc. Where is that snub for Bill Nye
that will kill 'em all
1.-The old hOwitZcr was plugged up tC
the muzzle, and rs the Injuns gave
charge the old thing beloved out
shorter that was heard Mt the town hall
i'm Laramie, and all the boys went up t.
see what the row was about.
"When they reached the camp they
found Tarheel and Bradford going abou,
among the fallen slain with torches,
talking to themselves"
They are all dead: it was my poetry
that killed en-
You be bowed said Bradford, it
was TUFTS pills and Lydia Pinkham.
See that track of fallen braves where my
spots on the sun plowed through
''On counting the slain, two hundred
and sixty We're found, and Bradford and
Tarheel collected all their arms and be-
longings, loaded them into the wagon,
hitched up the old mule and drove in
triumph to Laramie, where they sold
out and went on spree that lasted six
weeks, during which time Bill Nye an
nOunced in the Boomerang that he was
sick abed with brain fever. "-Mark
IUain.