New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-03-14
TIE MOUNTAIN HowITzER,

One winter S evening / found myself
in small Kentucky village down near
the border line of Tennessee. It was an
awful cold night and half of the male
population Of the town was gathered
around a roaring fire in the only tavern.
drinking dynamite whisky and telling
tales. Among the party was Wyoming
Journalist, and he recognized me.
.'Say, Mark, = said he; .d'you know
Tarheel and Bradford?''
replied that did and that they both
owed me S..
you'll never get it, went on the
truthful Wyoming man, ..but I'll tell
you a good joke on them that is worth
five dollars as a literary production.
''You see, one time Tarheel and Brad
ford tramped into Laramie with the
remnants Of a printing Office loaded in
an old coveredWagon, with the hungriest
and most forlorn looking mule adrawin
the outfit as ever you see.
They were goin' to the Black Hills
to start paper. The boys tried to pre-
vent the procession, because we knew
that Injuns were along the road and
they would be pretty sure to make pi of
the printing Office andcarryof the frowsy
scalps of them two fools. But they was
bound to go, and 60 they did.
"The boys gin them some prime Ticker
for a nerve, and Tarheel bought big
carving knife and horse pistol.
Just as they got outside they met
an emigrant train, and Bradford insisted
on trading off half of the Ticker fur an
old brass mountain hoWitzer and some
powder that a man in the train had.
When they got this they felt as if they
could lick a whole tribe of Iniuns.
THAT night they camped in little
hollow, jess off the road feeling as brave
as Julius Caesar. About nine o'clock
their old mule gave bray that sounded
like the wall of a lost soul, and the two
journalists sprang to their feet and stood
trembling by the wagon. =
'Injuns; sure as you're born,' whis-
pered Tarheel.
'Hu-s-sh,' said Bradford, gimme that
gun, and he pulled the howitzer out Of
the wagon, and rammed in a big charge
of powder.
I'VE amt got any bullets said Tar
heel.
Never mind nervously whispered
Bradford, get that loaded matter in the
galleys.'
'.The injuns could be heard creeping
through the grass. Them two coons
were purity near scared to death. After
much fussing Tarheel found some old
patent medicine cuts and logged out fom
or five galleys of matter, all set up, that
was to form the foundation of the new
paper.'S
Quick said Tarheel, there they be
put in that cut of Lydia Pinkham
and thousand Nonpareil of my poetry,
that'll kill 'em p. d. a.
Barker rammed these home with a
shootingstick and mallet, and they
steered the muzzle into the bushes and
fired. Shouts Of agony, terrific war
whoops and many means followed the
first shot,
Didn't / tell you,' howled the de-
lighted Tarheel, as Bradford put in
more powder. it was my poetry that
done it. Here, hurry, put in this col
umn loaded brewer on the political
question Ram in your criticism on
Margaret Mather!'
That's nogood, said Bradford, 'gim-
me, that essay about spots on the sun,
and more of your poetry in that
cut Of Tott's pills.
Bang! Awful destruction of Ind
ians.
'Whoop,' yelled Bradford, TUFTS
pills did it-they once broke my own
head. Did you see that spots on the
sun knock the spots out of that big chief.
Wah! wah! wah! nothing like your
poetry to pillow through them Hurry,
now, ram in that blast about Gebhardt,
tripe. Where is that snub for Bill Nye
that will kill EN- all
''The old howitzer was plugged up to
the muzzle, and as the Injuns gave q
charge the old thing beloved out q
shorter that was heard at the town hall
in Laramie, and all the boys went up to
see what the row was about.
"When they reached the camp they
found Tarheel and Bradford going about
among the fallen slain with torches,
talking to themselves.
They are all dead: it was my poetry
that killed en-
You be blowed,' said Bradford, it
was TUFTS pills and Lydia Pinkham.
See that track offallen braves where my
spots on the sun plowed through
"On counting the slain, two hundred
and sixty were found, and Bradford and
Tarheel collected all their arms and be-
longings, loaded them into the wagon,
hitched up the old mule and drove in
triumph to Laramie, where they sold
out and went on spree that lasted six
weeks, during which time Bill Nye an
bounced in the Boomerang that he was
sick abed with brain fever. y Mark
I'tUdi7.