New Ulm weekly review., 1883-11-28
WIT AND HUMoR.

VIE AND HUMOR.
English .sl,lmorists' have Just caught
up with the mother-in-laW joke.
The man who expects to get an an
swer through a telephone is the victim
of hallocination.
There is father in Pittsburg mean
enough to call his daughter Misery, be-
canse she loves company.
Sad jest by a policeman with a large
family: eyes, I'm a cop, and I've many
little copies. 80 -LoMt6UtNo J01T7lGl.
>Itis said that Froude spends ten
hours day in the library: He must must
bn the --cDDatllnt Ieailer' WbD WTl1sn
SO much for the newspapers
Mark Twain advised that a gentle
man who is engaged in the leather
trade and who has purchased grove
and lawn should call it Hyde Park.
''You see that young gentleman op-
positc !? You should know him. He
comes from very old family In
deed! and he so frcsh!''
Sportsman (after missing his tenth
rabbit): .I'll tell you what it is, Bag
ster-your rabbits are all two inches
too short hereabouts''
Somebody told Gen. Schenck that
the King of Dahomey had eight Queens;
and the General abstractedly remarked
that it was case of double dealing.
A little book just published is cnti-
tied, 'sHow to talk. A copy should
be placed in the hands of every barber
in the land.
A million of bats are said to live in
the dome of the court house at Bren-
ham, Ga. What a bonanza for base
ball club.
A poet says: yesterday comes not. !"
He should tell us something we don't
know. What we are looking for is the
return of week before last.-N01rist0aO
Herald.
A scientist says that in the moon q
hickory-nut falling from bough would
crash through man like a minnie-ball.
That settles it. We shall never 90 to
the moon to gather hickory-nuts.
A lawyer was summoned as wit
ness in a certain case. The Judge, find
ing that the witness was lying badly,
interrupted him, saying: Il beg of you
to forget your profession for a moment
and tell us the truth. '-Spaaaish Joke.
A young man who sat upon black
piece of iron in blacksmith shop and
unceremoniously sprang seven feet in
the air with wild shrek of despair,
says he don't think much of Hot
Springs as health resort.
We noticed regular stream of peo-
pie passing this office Wednesday and
supposed there was funeral up street.
We heard later that Miller's cider-mill
was in operation Caledonia Adver-
tiser.
The Home Journal says ''a really
nice and true hearted girl never tells
anyone but her mother when she re-
jects an offer of marriage. She ruth
lessly sacrifices the pleasure of 'talking
him over'' with her chums. 1t costs q
great deal of self-denial to be ''nice.''
''Why are you SO exorbitant in your
prices?' asked man of merchant.
''Well," he replied, II got into the
habit of charging double price for
everything when kept hotel at Hot
Springs, and find it impossible to break
myself of it. '-Arka,asn,O Traveller.
A St. Louis girl stole nineteen trade
dollars and concealed them in her
mouth, and even then had jaw room
enough left to sass the officer who came
to arrest her so vigorously that his hair
jumped up and kicked his regulation
cap off.
San Clemente, an island near Venice
has lunatic asylum containing 1000
women, the majority of whom were
brought there by unhappy love. This
is the saddest news we have heard for
long time. Poor things! We spent
about year in Venice -Philadelphia
Gail.
II guess I'm getting to be epicurean
in my tastes, you Know says Blooms;
''why. since the cold wethah has set in,
you know, eat everything can lay
my hands on, l don't care what, you
know. Aud he went to gnawing the
end of his cane again.-N. Y. CONNER
cial advertiser.
A reporter of the New York Times
has been writing up a gambling house
in which he was, he says, "a compara-
tive stranger" If he had been posi-
tive or superlative stranger it might
be as well for him. A comparative
stranger means man who has been
there before.-Boston Herald.
''Oh, myr' said an old lady who fell
out of bed in Boston hotel the other
night; ''I've hurt the exterior of my
spinal column "'Good enough-I
mean, by gracious!' said her husband,
sitting bolt upright in bed, swell sue
the proprietor for damages. ~ Hotel
Mail.
20 he is green hand" remarked a
book agent, contemptuously. ''He
thinks he can sell books, and he has
not yet learned the first principles of
the business. Only yesterday he was
picked up all in a heap at the bottom
of stairway. Now, an experienced
book agent always lands ON his feet"
A small man always has enough to
bear, but his dress becomes exceeding
ly heavy when the despicablc salesman
of the clothing store, just after the
small man has got into his new clothes,
cries out TO the accountant, so that
everybody else can hear: ''Boys suit!
mark gomez
An English critic says that Ameri-
cans are fretful. Bless you, no. Go
into public hall or conveyance and
see the fretful, nervous, looking-for-
their-rights people, and nine in ten will
he EnpliShme The On1v tima in ton