The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-03-24
THE sPooPENDYKEs IN HAMLET.
They Rehearse in Preparation for ANA
teur Theatricals. Spoopen-
dyke Gets Mad.

Now, my DEAR said Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, opening the book and assuming
the correct dramatic scowl ''Now, my
dear, we'll rehearse our parts for Speck-
lewottle's theatricals. I'm to be Ham
let, and you re to be the Queen, and
we want this thing to go off about
right. The hardest part we have to
play together is where | accuse you of
poisoning my father, and we had better
try that until we get it perfect I'll
commence:
.ssNow, mother, what's the mattera"
''Well, l was thinking whether I-had
better wear my black silk or my maroon
suit returned Mrs. Spoopendyke.
sticking her finger in her mouth reflect
ively. "Do Queens wear
''Will you be kind enough to tell me
what pack of cards You got that idea of
queen frome' demanded Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, fixing his wifes eye with a
glare. t'Do you suppose that the queen
sent for Hamlet to get his opinion
about bargains in dry goodsP When /
say that you must say:
Hamlet, thou hast thy father much
offended!' :"
.sOh, | understand pleaded Mrs.
Spoopendyke. II thought YOU asked
me what | was thinking about. I didn'4
know you had commenced the play.
Try it again.
s'Well, YOU must be careful this time,
recommended Mr.. Spoopendyke, in a
tone of solemn warning. This is a
play, this is. Think you know the diff
ference between a play and bankrupt
sale? Know the difference between a
play and a millinery shop opening?
Now, I'll begin again, and you try todo
it decently."
"sNow, mother, what's the matter?' y
There's nothing the matter now"
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke, straighten-
ing up and preparing to be queen as
soon as her turn came. $50 on, dear,
L understand it now"
Spoopendyke "Havn't We studied this
business? Don't ye know your part?''
What shall 1 say. dear?" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, looking at her husband
with a dazed expression.
SAY roared Mr. Spoopendyke.
Sing hymn! Ii YOU don't know your
part, get off psalm! Didn't tell you
what to say? Look here" and Mr.
Spoopendvke lowered his voice to the
intense pitch. Have you ever read
this play? Have You conceived any
kind of a notion of what it's all about?'
ssWhy, yes faltered Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. You come in and stab Mr..
Specklewottke behind the ears, and |
scream. Isn't that right, dear?''
Hear her!'' moaned MIR. Spoopen-
dyke. frothing at the mouth. Stab
Specklewottle behind the ears! That's
all right. now YOU screami Scream, why
don't you? You know so much about
your part. why don't. you play it?''
s'W-e-e-e-e!' squealed Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. faithfully following instructions.
Il knew could do it all right, as soon
as you showed me how. Will that do?n
''Oh. that was queenly!'' snarled Mr.
Spoopendyke, dropping into chair and
his wife with rolling eyes.
just do that again! Four of those
dramatic efforts will make this play the
greatest of modern entertainments. Do
il once more"
1T hurts my throat" complained
Mrs. Spoopendyke. Cant we make
it do with one scream. dear9"
Mrs. Spoopendyke," said her hus-
band with unnstural calmness. ''there's
been some mistake made in this thing
You should have been cast for sOphel-
ia That was the part intended for
you.
81 would just as soon play it, muir
INJURED Mrs. Spoopendgke, who failed to
see the drift of her husbands remark.
''What does he dop''
: ''He was an idiot from birth, and af-
lerward went crazy" explained Mr.
Spoopendyke. That was the part for
vou.
Then I'd rather be Queen, . returned
Mrs. SpOopendVke, hetdling n little
NOW, dear. let's commence all over,
and I'll do it right this time
"Yo can tdo it worse, growled Mr..
Spoopendyke. ''Tlt try it once more,
just to see what kind of foolishness you
can work off -
<'Now, mother. what's the matterP"
'.We-e-e-e-e, giggled Mrs. Spoopen-
dy Ike, satisfied that she was perfect this
time "Hamlet, oh, Hamlet we-e-e-e-ei'
'.Furn it off, yelled Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, springing from his chair and
capering around the room as though a
snake had bitten him. '4Be quiet and
break off the end! What's the matter?'
'.We-e-e-er' squealed Mrs. SpoopeR-
dyke, profoundly impressed with the
idea that the play was still going on,
and that she had at last mastered the
intricacies of her part.
'-Will you ever shut up? gasped Mr.
Spoopendyke. madder than ever to think
his wrath was mistaken for acting
-'NVho ever told We to veil like that?
Don't Va know anything at all scarcely?
Think 'Hamlet's' u lunatie asylum?
Got some kind notion that the
Queens fog horn? Whersd We get
your idea of this thing anyway"
Il did it just as you told me. dear"
argued Mrs Spoopendyke, completely
taken back by her husband $ criticism.
You said was to scream when YOU
asked what the matter was Didn't |
DO it right?"
.'Oh, that was rightr' howled Mr.
5poopendyke. ''You struck the keynote
Of high art both times. With that yell
and your knowledge of the text all you
want now is a fire and free list to be a
Lheater with restaurant attachment!
The first time show comes around this
way I'm going to fit you out with hair
trunk and pair of hoofs and start you
ap Tor managerial Such talent as that
can't be wasted on any cheap Shaks-
peare plays while I've got the money
and influence to get you job in the
legitimate circns!" and Mr.. Spoopen,
IL ke kicked the book through the win
low. peeled himself like potato and
love into bed with flop like whale