Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1883-01-20
HIS PA GOES SKATING.
Said He Was Going to Spread Himself,
and He Did.


and He Did.
From Peck's SUM-
what broke your pa up at the roAer-skating
rink?" asked the grocery man.
20, everything broke him up" said the bad
boy He is split up so ma buttons the top Of
his pants to his collar button, like bicycle
rider. Well, he no business to have told me
and my chum that he used to be the best skater
In North America, when he was a boy. He
said he skated once from Albany to New York
in an hour and eighty minutes. Me and my
chum thought II pa was such terror on
skates we would get him to put on q
pair of roller skates and enter him as the great
unknown, and clean out the whole gang We
told pa that he must remember that roller skates
were different from ice skates, and that maybe
he couldn't skate on them; but he said it didn't
make any difference what they were as long as
they were skates. and he would Just paralyze
the whole crowd. So we got pair Of big roller
skates for him, and while we were strapping
them on pa he looked at the skaters glide around
on the smooth waxed floor just as though they
were creased. Then pa looked at the skates on
his feet. after they were fastened-sort of
forOrn-like, the way horse-thief does
when they put shackles on his legs, and told
him If he was afraid he couldn't skate with
them we would take them off; but he said he
would beat any body there was there or bust
suspender. Then we Strengthened pa up and
pointed him toward the middle of the room,
and he said leggo.' and we Just give him
little push to start him. and he began to CO.
Well, by gosh. you'd q dide to have seen pa try
to stop. You see. you can't stick in your heel
and stop, like you can on iceskates and pa soon
found that out, and he began to turn Sideways,
and then he threw his arms aud walked on
his heels and he lost his hat and his eyes be-
gan to stick out, cause he was going right
towards an iron post. One arm caught the
post and he circed around it few times, and
then he let go and began to fall; and, sir he
Kept falling all across the room. and everybody
got out OF the way except a girl. and pa grabbed
her by the polonaise like a drowning man grabs
at straw. though there wasn't any Straws In
her pOlonaise as know Of but pa Just pulled
her along as though she was done up in a
shawl-strap; and his feet went out from
shoulders and I Kept a-goin a.A with h the the
girl dragging along like bundle of clothes.
If pa had had another pair of rOler-skates on
his shoulders, and casters on his ears, he
couldn't have slid along any better. Pa is a
short. big man, and as he was rolling along on
his back, he looked like sofa with casters on
being pushed across q room by girl. Finally
pa came to the wall and had to stop. and the
girl fell right across him, with her roller skates
in his neck, and she called him an old brute.
aise she would murder him. Just then
my chum and me got there and we ampu-
tated pa from the girl and lifted him up.
and told him for heavens sake to let US take
off the skates. cause he couldn't skate any more
than COW. and pa was mad and said for US to
let him Alone and he could skate all right, and
we let go and he struck out again. Well, sir,
was ashamed. An old man like pa ought to
know better than to try to be a boy. This last
time pa said he was going to spread himself
and. II am any Judge of big spread, he did
spread himself. Somehow the skates had got
turned around sideways on his feet, and his feet
got to going in different directions and pa 8 feet
were getting so far apart that l was afraid
one leg apiece. tried to get him to take up
collection of his legs, and get them both in the
same ward, but his arms flew around and one
hit me on the nose, and | thought if he wanted
to strike the best friend he had he could run his
old legs hisself. When he began to separate
could hear the bones crack; but maybe it was
his pants; but anyway he came down on the floor
like one of those fellows in a circus who spreads
himself, and he kept going, and finally he sur
rounded an iron post with his legs and stopped,
and he looked pale, and the proprietor Of the rink
told pa If he wanted to give a fying-trapeZe
performance he would have tn go to the gym
nasium, and he couldn't skate On his shoulders
any more, cause other skaters were afraid OF
him. Then pa said he would Kick the liver out
of the proprietor OF the rink, and he got up and
steadied himself and then he tried to kick the
man, but his heel went up 20 wanct, aud pa
turned back summersaut and struck right on
his vest In front. guess it knocked the breath
out Of him. for he didn't speak for tew min
utes, and then he wanted to go home. and we put
him in q street car and he laid down on the hay
and rode home. o, the work we had to get pas
clothes off. He had cricks in his back. and
everywhere, and ma was away to one of the
neighbors. to look at the presents. and had to
put liniment on pa, and made a mistake and
got bottle of furniture polish, and put it on pa
aud rubbed 1t in, and when ma came home pa
smeled like coffin at charity funeral, and ma
said there was no way of getting that varnish
off pa till it wore off. Pa says holidays are q
condemned nuisance any way. He viii have to
stay in the house all this week.