The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1883-05-31
HUMOR.


WHEN the short woman begged tho
tall man for kiss, she stopped TO con.
cur.
SrlcEa say. the man for 1 church
sexton is the man who has no music In
his sole.
Yes" said the landlord. pointing to
his block OF new houses, "they'ro all
full, except tho ono ut the end. That's
last, but not lcavcd"
The male residents OF J6rnsalom,
upon arising In tho morning, thank
God thoy were not born women. The
women look ut them and respond with
a hearty amen.
4 MANS business seriously affects his
morals. II, Tor instance, o shoemaker
takes unto himself two wives, and tn
leg.i question comes up a. to which no
shall support and which discard, II II
net true that NJ eobblet no should
stick to the last?
A WESTERN corporteur was once con
vcrsing with an Illinois man on his 70.
ligions duties. Said he: DO you at.
tend church regularity" "Oh, no,
never go to church, but alters make II
n pint to tond oil tho funerals. They
be inst as solemn, and thar hisnt no
Reflections
4 HOUSEHOLD journal says "soapsuds
is not tho hest wash for silverware. !"
This is important il true; but what the
society" young man wants To know il
how to polish up dollar store diamond
pin so that it will look like a gem Of
the first water.--No,ristopn Herald.
"WELL," remarked young NJ. D.,
Just from college. Il suppose tho next
thing will be to hunt for good loca
tion and wait for something to do, like
Patience on q monument "les," !"
said bystander, "and il won't be long
after you do begin before tho monu.
mcnt will be on tho patonts.
A LITTLE Austin boy visited his uncle
on his birthday, and congratulated him.
Ho then asked his uncle III no had
washed himself. "Why so?' asked the
uncle, patting the innocent prattler on
the head. because papa said II You
did the clean thing you would give me
at least dollar. Sittings.
"Ycs, brethren, said a preacher from
his pulpit, "you are the passengers on
train speeding its straight and mar.
row way to glory, and / am tho con.
dnctor Of that train. thank tho Lord. :
sYou run her tirst-class should say,
remarked 4 stranger. looking over the
congregation. "from the number oi
sleepers you're hauling"
one Of our exchanges heads an item
"A Bad Runaway Has any ono ever
sen good runaway?-Er, Well,
when the rich old folks object. and the
young man runs away with their daugh.
ter, and the knot il tied before they are
overtaken. it is considered good run.
away-hy tho young couple, at least
No,ristorn Herald.
HAVE you anything extraordinary on
identided?" asked al Austin doctor
who vas examining Bill Colbert for Z
life-insurance policy. Colbert though,
for good while before he answered
At last he replied that he had the re
quired popularity, What mark is It =
"Fearful cramps when / cat greer
corn"
TnE first quarrel: Philip Fogy, Jr
twho has refused. after prolonged dis
cussion, to get gaudy raiment and takt
his wife to tho Derbrnno's fancy baln
morosely-"I wish l had married I
sensible woman" His recently-aclniret
sponse Ito whom the said ball is for tn,
moment much moro attractive thar
heaven, vindictively-"She woaldnN
have had YOU"
ALL the passengers in tho street CO
on Austin avenue were very much an
noyel by crying child. and ono oil
gentleman appeared to be PARTICULAR,
exasperated. Il do wonder what httl
wootsy tootsy il CRYING about" said tn
mother, dancing tho infant up an,
down. Il know what no j. cryin,
about. He has been crying about 81
blocks: ever since you got into tn
GAR Teras Sutiags.
ION, yes,s said madame, after tn
usual domestic racket had got itsel
well under way; "oh, yes, yon gentle
men want Your wives to DO angels
Not ut ALL replied Mr.. Dusenberry
wiping tho dish-watcr from his hea
and face; mot at all: We don't wan
them to he angels at all; We want thei
to be ladies' And then tho row hesa
al over again, and the cat crawle
softly into tho cellar to drop aneho
until the storm should ha over.
To CIGARETTE.
Burn. burn. burn.
And tell of thy charm TO met
For cannot utter Alright
The affection feel Tor thee.
omaarn for the college student
Mhe never has felt thy sway:
Ohail To the cigarette.
That banisheS eare away
Let them tell Of the haEeful poison.
THAT turks In the dainty told,
But u Tor a package uf good Sweet CAls
Aud 4 touch cf the spell that l. OLD
Burn. harn. hnrR,
j In clouds a1 eddyiMg rings,
AMI carry to heaven ~ incense
The words thy poet sings.
-imaefSs St.ieMf
.sSOmeilng Mos Remarkable"