Connecticut western news., 1883-08-08
ADVERTISING RATES
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
 OVER THIS WEEK.
HONESTY.

on the street and proposed to exchange a very good silver watch for one con- paratively worthless. The exchange was made, anH several days after ward, when the eolonel met the negro, he asked:
 "Gabe. why did you want to trade watches with me :? < The one I got from you is an excellent. time-keeper, while the one you got from me is of very little account"
 "Wal, boss, yer see I<stole dat watch what let yerseY hab, buNshortly arter- ward I reforped, an 'cluded ter trade aroun' till I got one by homes es'ness."- ArkGnsoo0 Irdveler.
 LAZY FELLOW.
 Here is German method of describ- ing member of very familiar class composed of people who spend great part of life in idleness, but always in sist that they are endeavoring to secure employment:
 "I met that lazy fellow who used to shave for you," said man to his bar Der, 'and he tells me he is looking for work"
 "Bah p sad the barber; 'he aind looking for york. He's looking for der sgoundrel vich invented der idea of york. Uf he should find dot weller he would not goot licking gif him, like he dinks he would. Dot would doc much drouble peen. He would choost hade him little; dots all." SHORT FINANCIAL NOVEL. r 'Sir," muttered the trembling cashier as he confronted the president in the private office of the la ter. "Sir, have two confessions to make to you."
 "what are they ?" demanded the Pres ident in his most dighifed tone.
 "The first is, I have robbed the bank of $500, ,O0O."
 "We wil1give yob an opportunity to repeat that confesSion in open court" was the freezing response. "What is the second?" IN
 "That love your daughter r replied the stricken man.
 My dear boy !! exclaimed the Pres ident, grasping him by the hand. "My dear fellow, why did you not make that confession first and the other lastp Take her, my son, and we will see what we can do about the money"
 "Alas, sir we can do nothing. I have lost every dollar of it in specula- tion !s
 "Then to jail, vile wretch l" roared the honest president. T will summon the police"
 And he did, and that young cashier lies in quod, while<his. successor treats the girl to church festival ice cream, and the old man looks on with the hope that he will improve on the folly of the youth in the nojsome cell. - skoILINa HIS ROOT BEER.
 "Boss, will you tell me how to make root beer?" asked colored man of a clerk in Woodward avenue drug store a day or two ago.
 "Why, yes I can. Take hickory stick, three gallons of water, an old hat, 8 quart of molasses, a paper of tacls, and pound of cayenne pepper, and boil, skim and set in cool place."
 "Say dat agip, boss, so I can disre- member"
 The clerk repeated his directions, and the customer brought his fist down on the counter with the exclamation
 "I sees whar' spilled my hull batch left out de tacks.r-DetroH Free Press.
 COWS IN THE PASTURE.
 Murphy heard COWS in his orchard the other night, and slipping out the back way, appeared suddenly near the front steps and yelled: "He-ah Tige He- ah Tige! He-ahw Just then a figure rushed past, cleared two fences, and vanished in the gloom. ''Take i'm take i'm !" screamed the old man, but his daughter, Miranda, who had unac- countably appeared on the scene, se- cured the dog by the collar and refused to let go. "What ye doin'," yelled the old man, "don't ye know them COWS has been in here three or four times ?" "Oh, pa !" was the answer, "but this was only calf. , The old man was pacified, but Adolphus, who was standing out in the road awaiting developments, wasn't, and Miranda will never understand the cold ness that has sprung up between them. l-Peck's Sun.
 SUMMER RULES.
 "As to summer rules, I have dashed off de followin'," said the president of the Lime-Kiln Club:
 I. "Doan' war obercoats nor ober- shoes nor ear-muffs doorin' July an Au- gust.
 2. "Hire cheap han to cl'ar de snow off yer sidewalks, so as not to oberheat yer blood.
 3. "Let de ole woman split de wood an de chill'en hoe de garden, an doau' let nobody beat yer in foot-race fur prize of fifteen cents.
 A. "Hang out late nights, lay abed late in de mawnin, pick up yer meals at beer saloons, an talk huff polyticks to keep de blood circulatin'. 5. "Slidin' down hill, skatin', an snowbalin' nm dellyterious to the health in midsummer" "- Detroit Free Press. SAD CASE The disrespect shown American moth- CTS by their daughters has almost be- come proverbial. Not long since an Austin lady, accompanied by her eight year-old daughter, was invited out to tea. In passing cup, the aged mother, s whose hand was shaky from age, spilled