The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-02-28
COMIC COMMENTS.

Dry goods on the brain; my wife,
remarked Fitzboodle, 81 is fairly crazy over
the fashions She's got the delirium trim
mins.n--Haryord Times.
"A considerable lassie A little Augusts
three-year-old girl rebuked her mother for
alluding to black cat She said it was a
"colored " linguistic (Ga.) Chronicle
Utility of "old sayings !" Teacher
Clara, compare pretty Clara
Please, ma'am, I'd rather not Compare
sons are odious mother says."--BostoH
Transcript
Social equally: We do not see how
the blacks and the whites can be placed on
exactly the same footing, unless about six
inches ara sawed of the feet of the former.
= Teras svsiags.
In the way he should go: MAJ he
asked at dinner, "who was Charlotte
Russo ?n "Oh " said ma, 'sshe was one of
them old queens what made trouble during
the Restoration Mem York MaR and Ia.
press.
Practical repartee: How inattentive
you are, Tommy! What say goes in al
one ear and out of the otherl And why do
you lean your head on your hand like that ?H
To prevent what you say going ont al
the other ear, Miss Sharp Y'--Loadoa
Punch
-Unanswerablo Two sons of the En-
erald Isle discussing certain colored man,
\ 4,
shmart, dye moind.n "Phut are We talkin'
about ?" replied the other eff he was SO
smart, how did he come to be a naygur ~
Boston Transcript.
Taking time by the nose Chicago
lady once applied to learned Judge for
divorce. "What is the name of tho hus-
band ?" inquired the learned Judge. 81
have no husband yet, but inasmuch as l
contemplate matrimony feel that should
be prepared for the worst. p-Deager 7'ri-
b,tne.
-Harvard's compliments to Yale: 81
don't know" replied Montmorenci, cutting.
ly, with polite smile, but know man
who had twins SO much alike that the only
way to tell 'em apart was to send one to
Harvard and one to Yale. Then one came
back gentleman and one o Connecticut
rough. "-Haipard Herald
SO very Scotch Scotch Laird Ito poor
portrait painter: "Yc nun kcn ma doch.
ter's birthday is vcrra near, and promised
her ma pictur Weel, I've just fund ane
TO- somebody else) in brokers' window
that'll dae fine and l wud like ye tae put
wheen feenishin touches TILT ms cheap as
We can, We understan' !n--Kondon Noon
shine.
Responsibility of citizenship "Why
did you speak to that policeman? Are you
acquainted with him % asked Mlligan'f
wife, as she and hor husband were walking
home from the theatre the other night
Oh, no / don't know the man. replied
Milligan "it was simply my duty as a
citizen to see if he was awake n--LoeeH Cit
zen.
"A nice new fable A Dog and his Tail
fell into Dispute as to which should Wag
the Other. An itinerant Wasp passing that
v'a5 caeually Remarlsedc Speaking OF
Tails, reminds me that Possess one which
May possibly be Influential enough to Wag
you Both" This fable Teaches that ten
cents worth of Dynamite is a bigger man
than Church steeple. -DenVer Tribune.
"A hollow mockery; Spilkins brough,
home some Swiss cheese from an Austin
grocer, which is full of holes. He partook
of it very literally, but when he complained
few days afterwards of feeling of empti-
ness, little Johnny, who is ono of the smart
est boys in Austin, spoke up and said; "I
know what makes you feel empty, pa 1t is
them big holes in the cheese you ate the
other day. 7esas siftings.
AT the head or nowhere eyes, boys"
remarked the bulletheaded gentleman, SET
ting down his glass. "Bill has been found
guilty of murder in the fust degree. There's
no half way bout Bill and he was powerful
glad when he heard tho verdick. If they'd
put him down second degree, he'd never
been able to stand it. He'd took it to heart
and died O. grief afore year. But it's all
right and Bill'll die like gentleman. Name
yer pizen, fclers ~ Boston Transcript.
The weathercock Cerdidate--"I may
as well tell you. Mr.. Smith, that l am unal-
terably opposed to this measure" Mr..
Smith" Sorry for that. The people are
bound to have it go and the man who is in
its favor will get their votes" Candidate
"Oh, is that so Well, don't mind tell
ing You, Mr.. Smith, that | have all along
been secretly in favor of it, and now that
the public mind is ready to acknowledge the
justice of it, / can assure you that this meas
ure shall have my warmest support. You
are authorized to say that have all my life
longed for the tirno y zen this measure might
be pressed forward TO adoption. r. Ieras
Siftings
"A prisoners dilemma prisoner at
the BAR" said the Judge, "you are accused
of picking the pocket OF Mr.. Smith As
you were caught in the act the evidence ap-
pears to be conclusive. Have you anything
TO say in your own defense ?" Prisoner
"Only this, youe Honor man isn't 10
blame for what he does when he's asleep, is
he?" Judge" Certainly not" Prisoner
-" We'll, your Honor my hand was asleep
when it went into that gentleman's pocket
and didn't know what it was doing" Judge
Eyes, but you were seen to pass his
pocketbook from one hand 10 the other be-
fore putting it in your own pocket. The
Court adjudges you guilty and gives you
three years, but if your left hand was asleep
It is innocent You cen have it amputated
or take it with ou."--Boston Tsnnscrfpt.
>.-seb----~ -------
LOST IN CAVE For Forty HoURs. "A
romantic episode in the life of G. Il. Har-