davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
The German Barber.

'.Such Sherman barber vot on Sun
day shafes ovid of sbite of der benal
code tond got great deal pizness to
dalk apowd religion said a German
barber near the Cooper Institute yester-
day. 'sBut sometimes my mout will it
self shoot off if | can help it or not. A
goot many gusdimers peen dalking
apowd dot glerchyman ply der Fife af-
fenoo vich peen owit of der, Pible knock
ing spots. If a man got blendy money
and a goot wife und horse ind Wagon,
he tond care how many beople got some
more dings choost de same; but so soon
a man got himself a pretty goot religion
vot suits him vos mat like der tickens at
vot der rest der heople got pleased NIT.
"Und by chiminy hooky! dem vellers
vot make pellet dem tond anydings Pc
lief, dem peen choost like spin-veel on
der Fourth of Chuly PLACE away
all arount.
Il peen surprised dot such preaching
should dock blaze. had subbosed
blendy beople could outsite der churches
peen found, like Pob Ingersoll, to make
ovid of der pible foolishness, mitowit
such powerful Fifth affenoo assistance
of der glerchy.
wen gloze my shop und dake my
pitcher larker peer, l right away reat
Something's forlerimbrofmen my prains.
Dots der way can SO goot dalk to der
feefdeen cent gusdimers all der vile. So
l shall apowd religion good deal mfor-
nation got myselluf. l dink religion
tond vos like a big bile of sdones, away
from vich dis weller und dot can few
armfuls dock away. Religion peen
choost like dose medicine. II you tond
der whole ding swallow down it tond do
you some goot at all. 1t is choost such
dings like railrote. You dake away
Won leedle biece of der drack from der
biggest drunk lines away und you sboil
der whole peezness. Maypa some beo-
pie SO leedle religion got wood not miss
vot dem can drow away.
Look at it owit of a peezness point of
view-shall preacher dake from his
own mout his pred und pudder und der
same dime their pred und builder. der
endire profession? Py chiminy hooky!
der only dings can accound for it nit,
is dot you can many dings ,,py Murray
Hill tone und peen a goot weller. But
- J VIZ SASeA" NSA C0IltC lolAC Wy
der Coolers Institute you would make
yourselluf sorry afteryorts.
der monkey parber by der negst
shair peen crazy for pension. He says
it vos quite der fashion to got yourself
luf such dings. He het sayt a friend
of his hat from der East r iffer der daugh-
ter of a bolidician bulled owit
Dot makes me oxdltmly sat, her
farder sayt, dot hat NIT me only hun
dert tollar got. II you dink my daugh-
ter vos worth more as dot will not nit
such a drilie insuld you. will get you
der pension of a nafy captain for a cal
liant action Ply der high seas
Der young Teller hat sayt he should
dink dot yos exactly right.
coach, humbucks!'' der bolidician
had says; der gufferment is drowning
pensions arount like der bieces of der
sdeam heading bipes by Nassau sdreet.
Bedher you dake Won, else it might be
to some imbroppcr berson given. -
NeaO York San.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
wished to break off the match, where
upon she had Yentured alone.

wished to break off the match, where
upon she had ventured alone.
OF course it had been easy to impose
upon them by her singular personal re-
semblance to myself, her knowledge of
my family, and her familiarity with the
contents of our mutual letters, and the
whole affair of our engagement.
Uncle Marcus returned to us highly
incensed against his nephew. He had
insisted, as had Mrs. Bradshaw, who was
almost insane with rage and mortifica-
ton, upon the marriage being Instantly
annulled, as a fraudulent one.
But Robert had become really infatu-
ated with his bride, and not only refused
to listen to the proposal, but actually
married Sophie Dane over again under
her own proper name.
We concluded to hush up the matter,
and after brief tour, which 1 greatly
enjoyed, we returned to England. And
howsoever people may have wondered
at the result of my two years engage
ment, they had no cause to Judge from
my appearance that was disappointed.
When, six months thereafter, / mar
ried Philip Waring, with everybody's
consent, including Uncle Marcus, who.had
transferred his favor from Robert to
me, blessed the day when it had oc-
CURED to the ambitious mind of my
aunt's governess to personate me and
rob me of my proposed bridegroom.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
How Dick Got His Promotion.

A sergeant of infantry, whom shall
call Dick Cover, commanded his COM
pany in Il great many battles in the
West in the early days of the war. His
company officers had all been killed, but
right royalty did Dick handle his men,
His discipline was perfect; his bravery
not only made him hero among his
men, but excited the attention of all the
officers. At the first lull in the cam
paign, the officers of his regiment, of
his brigade, and of his division united in
recommending him for lieutenancy in
the regular army. The commanding
officer joined in the recommendation.
Mr. Lincoln ordered the appointment.
Forthwith, Sergeant Dick was ordered
before an examining board here in Wash
ington, for the regular army officers
were tenacious of what they thought
their superiority. Dick presented him
self in solid and faded sergeant's uni
form, his face and hands bronzed and
cracked by the winds and suns of hot
campaign.
The curled darlings of Washington
society, the perfumed graduates of West
Point, who had never seen a squadron
set in the field, conducted the examine
ton to ascertain if Dick was fit to be-
come an officer in the regular army.
They asked him questions as to enginee-
ring, mathematics, philosophy and ord
nance, of harbor warfare, of field
campaigns, and all such stuff. Not a
single question could Dick answer.
'.What is an echelon?'' Twas asked 81
don't know" answered Dick; II never
saw one." What is an abattis?'' was
the next question. Dick answered;
you've got me again. We haven't got
'em in the West" ..Well, what is a
hollow squareP' continued his torEen-
tors. "Don't know" said Dick, sor-
rowfully; Il never heard Of one. y
Swell, finally said a young snip, in eye
glasses, 'what would you do in com.
mand of companyif the cavalry should
charge on you?' They had at last got
down to Dicks comprehension, and he
answered with a resolute face and a
flashing eye, ''I'd give them HI, that S
what I'd do, and I'd make hollow
square in every mothers son of them. y
A few more technical questions were
asked, but poor Dick was not able to
answer them, and the examination clos
ed. The report was duly sent to the
Secretary of War, who submitted it to
Mr.. Lincoln, saying that evidently Dick
would not do for an officer. Mr.. Lin
coin went through the report and found
question, but he came to where Dick
said what he would do if attacked by
cavalry, and then he did what sensible
Abe Lincoln did in all such matters, he
threw the report on his table and made
little memorandum in pencil ordering
the Secretary of War to appoint Dick
Cover a Lieutenant in the regular army.
Dick achieved distinction afterwards,
and was everywhere known in the army
as man without fear, who never made
3 mistake. Letter to the Philadelphia
Press.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
"Puck's' Signs of Spring.

When the poet begins to burble.
When the strawberry mistakes itself
for millionaire.
When the goat has his portrait taken
for the bock-beer poster.
When the chest-protector begins to
look jealous of the fan.
When the dog looks sadly at the tin
can thawing out of the snow-drift.
When the young mans lunacy lightly
turns to thoughts Of flats and an engage
ment.
When the seedman gets out a chrome
catalogue and sells onions for imported
bulbs.
When the professional versifier be-
gins to build his autumnal poems for the
magazines.
When the comic paper that was start
ed in January announces that it will
suspend publication during the summer.
When the undertaker circulates news
paper items about the unhealthfulness
of wearing heavy fiannels too late in the
year.
When the star tragedian arrives in
Union Square after perilous pedestrian
tour from the uttermost confines of the
Western circuit.
When the fashionable pastor begins
to develop an interesting cough and to
hint that the air of Europe is good for
incipient consumption.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
When Spring Tide Comes. !.

Your change draws near, O changeless pail OF
Thou dull brown plain, ye silent woods and
Heaven will be blue and earth be green and
gray.
And bird and beast be joyous, and life dear,
When spring-tidc comes.
Far DER the field will sound the new lambs
The lark will mount his topmost stair Of
song:
From high elm-boughs the treble and tenor
OF thrush and blackbird mingle all day long.
The woodbine branch viii dart its winged
The palm.gold rend its casket: whorl by
whOrl
Her fragile ladder win the cleaver raise;
The arom-scrol will silently unfnrl.
And soon the woody coverts, and beds of grass,
Meet for the court Of the maiden year, will
Troops of white-aowers and yellow, pink, and
blue.
The shy wind-fOwer will nestle meath tibet rees:
Primrose and violet haunt the messy bank;
COwslip and king-cup spread DER the downs
and leas,
Robin and lady-smock O er meadows dank.
The lines will redden and the oaks embrown;
To chestnut buds glistenng dew will rise;
The feathering alders to the lake stOOp down;
Lie VlTRlIl u0ZN1S Opc tuc1C CEAulSOu eyes,
And then, watch how so patiently we may,
At once elndes our ken. The beechen tops
To-day are golden, willow wands are gray;
Tomorrow green cloud enfOlds the cOpse.
And if, perchance, an ice-breath from the
north,
Or marsh air tainted with the Orient's guile.
Smite leaf and blossom brought untimely
forth,
The sun will rise and heal them with smile.
Anon from the south will stream gentle blast
And bid the jeweled cones of the larches
FASH
From the rough oak wood tender shoots, and
last
Unclench the rigid fingers of the ash.
With field and wood thus bathed in clear, green
light
And ringing with bird voices night and day,
Dells hyacinth-blue and hedges hawthorn
white,
Will Gods glad earth renew herself in May,
And We, torpid fancy and dull heart!
Fettered and chilled in winters prison so
long,
Will not the touch Of sunshine make ye start
Put on new plumes and tune fresher song,
When spring-tide comes?
The Academy.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
SIGNING A QUITCLAIN.
An Amusing Story in Connection With
Judge Davis Oourtship.

A good story is told about the court
ship of David Davis. Judge Davis was
extremely reticent about his new matri-
monial venture, and after it was pos
itively known that he was engaged to
Miss Burr, he lodged and evaded every
'feeler' that was thrown out by his
numerous friends. In fact, the repeat
ed denials on the bridegroom's part and
the air of mystery thrown about the af-
fair attracted more attention to the ro-
nance than would have followed frank
avowal of the engagement. With all the
good-humored nagggingg that the Judge
suffered, he has one consoling episode
to remember.
Last winter Miss Burr and Miss Green,
the daughter of Representative-elect
Green, of North Carolina, at whose res
idence the wedding took place, visited
Washington as the guests of Mrs. Hoge,
the wife of the Representative from
West Virginia. Both these ladies were
anxious to visit the White House and see
the President. but the Judge did not
wish to escort Miss Burr. He was per-
fectly willing to show Miss Green the
sights and he addressed note to the
President, saying that he wished to call
with lady at the Executive Mansion.
The President appointed time and the
visit was paid.
Miss Green is q young and very hand
some person, and the President imme-
diately jumped to the conclusion that
she was Judge Davis intended BRIDE
He showed her every attention, escorted
the couple through the house and the
al, yal - 0<
ers for the lady, and talked until the
Judge became impatient to leave. When
the couple returned to the hotel the old
gentleman observed to Miss Burr that
Miss Green had captivated the Prcsi-
dent. A few days later the Justices of
the Supreme Court dined with the Pres
ident. Judge Davis was guest. When
the cigars were lighted the President,
with mock formality, rendered his con.
CALCULATIONS to the President of the Sen.
ate, The Judge protested that there
was no reason why he should be con-
graduated The President persisted in
his congratulations, and the Justices de-
manded to know the mystery. The
President told of the visit Of Judge Davis
and Miss Green. The veteran iurist
pooh-poohed the idea of marrying the
lady, and he squirmed under the pleas
ant congratulations that were proffered
on every side.
you may deny as much as you please
Judge, but you don't dare to sign quit
claim in my favor, banteringly remark
ed the President. The Judge drew q
piece of paper and pencil from his pock-
ct, and in careful legal form, drew up
and signed q REIMBURSEMENT of all his
right, title and interest in Miss Green,
provided the President proposed mar
rage to her within the term of one
year. This he signed and delivered to
the President in the presence of the
court. General Arthur has been re-
markedly reticent regarding the affair
since the engagement of Judge Davis
to Miss Burr was announced. PhiIatlel-
DtiG Press.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
Life and Death in Nature.

For some inscrutablc reason, which
she has as yet given no hint of reveal
ing, Nature is wondrously wasteful in
the matter of generation. She creates
y thousand where she intcnds to use one.
lmpelled by maternal instinct, the fe-
male cod casts millions of eggs upon
the waters, expecting them to. return
after many daya as troops of interesting
offspring. Instead, half the embryotic
yadi are almost Immediately devoured
by spawn-eaters, hundreds of thousands
perish in incubation, hundreds of thous-
ands more succumb to the perils attend
ing ichthyic infancy, leaving but few
score to attain to adult usefulness, and
pass an honored old age, with the frag-
rance of a well-spent life, in country
grocery.
The oak showers down ten thousand
acorns, each capable of producing a
tree Three fOurths of them are
straightway diverted from their arbor-
cal intent, through conversion into food
by the provident squirrel and the i'm
provident hog. Great numbers rot
aselessly upon the ground, and the few
hundred that finally succeed in germin-
ating grow up in dense thicket, where
at last the strongest smothers out all
the rest, like an Oaken OthellO in har-
EN- of quercine Desdemonas.
This is the law of all life, animal as
well as vegetable. From the humble
hyssop on the wall to the towering ce-
dar Of Lebanon-from the meek and
lowly ameba, which has no more char
acter or individuality than any other
pin-point of jelly-to the lordly tyrant,
man, the rule is inevitable and invaria-
BILE. Life is sown broadcast. only to be
followed almost Immediately by a. de-
struction nearly as sweeping. Nature
creates by the million, apparently that
she may destroy by the myriad. She
gives life one instant, only that she may
snatch it away the next, The main
difference is that, the higher we ascend,
the less lavish the creation, and the less
sweeping the destruction. Thus, while
probably but one fish in thousand
reaches maturity, of every 1000 child
rem born GOA attain adult age. That is,
Nature filings aside 999 out of every
1000 fishes as useless for her purposes,
and two out of every five human beings
From, ..7he Economic Function OF
Vice." By John McElroy, IN Popular
Science Monthly.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30

Clayton, the actor, while playing his
great part OF Hugh Trevor, in .sAll for
Her, at Brighton, and when in his best
scenes, was utterly knocked out by per-
sistent loud talking in a stage box. I'm
able to proceed, he at last went up to the
box and said: Ladies and gentlemen,
l fear my performance interrupts your
conversation. As soon as I can proceed
without distressing You, shall resume
my part. : The speech was received
with tremendous applause by the audi
ence, and cries Of Turn them out!'
The box was mute. One gentleman
sought to pick quarrel with him after
ward, but after little conversation
thought better Of it.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30

y The cost Of cremating 1000 bodies
Per epQgm ct Bombay IS only $500
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30

It behooves editors to read their proof
carefully before their papers 90 to press.
Colonel Bill Short, the editor Of : Texaa
paper, is fugitive among the chapar.
raj and prickly pears Of Crosby, all b.
cause, in referring editorially to . pa,
iron, ne says in his paper that the patron
IS ssthieying as usual. He wrote s.thriv.
ing as usual. 2 According to the latest
advices received by Teas Strings, the
indignant patron, assisted by numerous
relatives, had Bill corraled n . thjckek
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30

President McCosh Of Princeton Col
lege is said to be greater philosopher
than disciplinarian. The boys have
slots Of fun in his lecture-room.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-05-30
Buttons.

OUGVOu6s
Button, button, who has the but
ton?' asked glove that had been drop
ped on the toilet-table.
eve got it, answered Jimmy jacket.
'Iye several buttons, in fact. -
''No,' put in the closet-door, II have
it myself; the carpenter gave it to me. =
81 had a dozen or So, said boot,
looking rather down at the heel.
''And l have hundred or more.
yawned the easy-chair, "but they don't
button anything; they don't belong to
the working class
Here's a bachelors button, remark
ed vase of flowers on the bureau.
''There's q button-wood tree in the
garden said the button-hooker. Il
suppose you all grew there. -
II know better than that" pouted
the closet-door. .sMine grew in tho
veins of the earth, where all the pre-
cious metals are found. It's poor re-
lation of theirs.
s.And we, added a pair Of ivory
sleeve buttons, eve grew in the land OF
the white elephant. We were carved
from the tusks of the leader, who thread
ed the jungles and swan the rivers at
the head Of his troops -
MY buttons . said the glove, "were
nearly related to the gem which Gle
opatra dissolved for Anthony. They
were mother-of-pearl, grown in the shell
Of the pearl oyster, for which divers
risk their lives. y
THAT'S something of fish story, -
thought Jimmy's jacket. ..My buttons
are only glass; but glass is sometimes
made of sand, and who knows but their
atoms may have been swept down to
the sea-shore from sfarthest Indian
'.And l." whispered the bachelor q
button, Il sprang from tiny seed,
wings, like the Afrite from the jar which
the fisherman found on the beach. II
is a miracle how l was packed away
therer' Mary N. Prescott, in st. Nich.
Ol0B
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1883-07-14
SINGULAR POSITION OF PROHIBITION
lists,

1t looks now as if the temperance people
of New York had concluded to abandon
their impracticable methods and aid the
authorities in the enforcement of the ex-
else law. They should be able to clearly
realize that half.loaf is better than none.
By standing out with stubborn persistence
for their pet scheme of prohibition, they
defeat all efforts to mitigate the evils of in.
temperance and to ameliorate the eondi.
ton of society through restrictive meas
ures and police regulationss If they will
earnestly aid the excise officers to success,
they will have advanced by that much
upon the fort they would storm they will
to that extent have educated public senti.
ment to their view. The same advice ap-
plies to the Prohibitionists Of Ohio. They
occupy the most singularly inexcusable of
positions. They have put up State
ticket, not with any hope Of electing it A;
indeed, they confess that it endangers the
Republican ticket and en- oourages the DEM
ocratic candidates. The Repu blicans pro-
nouuce for the Scott law, because the peo-
pie OF OHIO by an overwhelming ma
jority directed its enactment, and the
party would have been recreant to its
principles as the party of progress, reform
and intelligence, to have arrayed itself
against a people SO manifestly correct in
their verdict. Now the Scott law is SIM
ply police regulation, with clause per-
hitting communities to restrict liquor sell.
ing to the minimum. This is based on the
doctrine of local self government, and is
the foundation for all local option laws.
The proposed prohibition amendment to
the Ohio Constitution has been taken
ont of politics and relegated to a special
election. Nothing, then, but fanaticism
and stubbornness actuate the Prohibition
lists of Ohio in running an independent
ticket, which means, perhaps, the success
of the Democrats, who openly oppose pro-
hibition and the Scott law. To impartial
observers, at distance, the act OF these
temperance people appears to be nothing
less than that of insanity. The editor of
the Kansas Prohibaionist is to go to Ohio
to engage in the canvass and keep his party
together. He had better remain at home
and attend to his own affairs, and the Pro.
hibitionists of Ohio should have the cour-
age to tell him so, and, if he comes, to
pack him off, bag and baggage, while they
devote their energies to secure the success
of the Republican ticket and the enforce
ment OF the Scott law. If they pursue a
contrary course they will do the cause
they espouse more harm than their bit.
terest enemies can accomplish.
Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1883-07-14
FACING SOUTH BY NORTH.

In 1882 George Hoadly, now Democratic
nomineefor the Governorship of Ohio, wrote
letter of commiseration to Architect Null
lett on his removal, and bitterly denounc.
ing the spoils system of the party he now
heads, saying, 81 look upon the removal
of faithful and experienced officer, in
accordance with the spoils system, as little
short of crime. 1t involves, first, an in.
justice to the country in displacing one
who has by experience become the best
man for the place, and second injustice
to the country in making its offices the
rewards of what ia sure to become corrupt
and dishonest party service" In the very
next paragraph he declares his opposition
to Pendleton's civil service reform measure,
but adds he'd vote for it, if in the Senate,
to strike blow at the spoils system.
Strange as it may appear before he closes
the letter, he declares that when the next
administration becomes Democratic, and
after it has had its turn at distributing the
spoils of patronage, then " the time, in my
Judgment, will have arrived for new de-
parture upon the question of political
patronage, and for the adoption of a perma-
nent system Of low salaries, permanent
tenures and choice according to fitness, and
not political service. In other words, the
thorough abandonment of the spoils sys-
tem." Here is man for bidders taste and
money. II the first part Of the letter don't