The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-03-26
WIT AND HUMoR.

A man without any music in his soul
suggests that 'Swine-sonatan would be
an appropriate name for the Queen city.
Nail kegs are now made of sheet-iron
and the old wooden ones are covered
with felt and sold as high hats.
Green hair is the latest fashion freak
IN Paris. and the swells who strut along
the promenades look like unripe water
melons on stills.
Susan B. Anthony is going across the
sea to talk woman's rights to Kings,
Queens and despots. If she should hap
pen to fall III love over there, ehp
''Daisy! my dearest will yeu be
/ be?' Eyes! Clarence know what YOU
want to say, I'll be ready in week.
and so they were married last week.
A bald-headed man, who had heard
that the hairs of ones head are num-
bered, wants to know where he can get
the back numbers.
New York pays $1,000, 900 year for
its religion, and $22, 100000 for its
drinks, which goes TO show that New
York is having more fun in this world
than it will in the next.
Those little but very flat stone bottles,
] in which Scotch whisky comes, are
now covered with plush and utilized
as toilet articles. They should have a
smashing bow at the neck,
Maine sold 1925, 600 worth of spruce
| gum last year. At five cents a chew
| this would represent an aggregate of
| 12,500.000 American boys and girls
made happy.
One United States Senator spells lord
nance, :" ordinance and Laboratory, -
laboratory" Another speaks of the
''beau' of a ship, and third talks of
''gun walls instead of ''gun-wales.
Ben Butler is keeping himself before
the public as successfully as if he were
an actress who had lost her diamonds
or We're followed by the fire fiend.-
Rochester Herald.
Girl graduates in England wear
gowns precisely like those worn by uni
Versity men, and made by the same tai
lor. The only way to tell which from
'tother is to wait for mouse.
A South Carolina baby has four arms
If it is a male infant and lives to become
a man he'll be apt to take to singing
beer for a living. Either at that or hug
cling the girls four arms are very useful.
At no other time in life is a man so
completely upset by threats as at the
tender age of four, when his mother tells
him she is going to cast aside his first
trousers and put him back in frocks.
Heard in the suburbs: ''Are you go
ing to keep your brick yard running
this season. NO, think will put a
bay-window in the kiln and advertise
for summer boarders. p"
1t is said that a Philadelphia man
''has at last discovered method of
utilizing tin scraps 1t is not stated
whether he keeps two or three goats or
an ostrich.
Il am speaking said long winded
orator, '.for the benefit of posterity."
Yes" said one of his hearers, land if
you keep on much longer your audience
viii, be here"
1t is related as a singular fact that fat
men never commit crime. 1t doesn't
seem so singular when you reflect that
it is difficult for fat man to stoop to
anything low.
Yes" said the Vermont clergyman,
81 consider it all right for minister of
the gospel to trade horses, but as mat
ter of policy he should trade with some
one outside of his own congregation
Boston Post.
WHITTIER shall I carry you. my dear
young ladyP' he asked kindly. s-Oh,
dear siri do not take me home with my
present horrid name, but change it by
going to the minister" she said. Isn't
that SO, young MANI
Oliver Wendell Holmes says that bad
air, bad whisky and irregular habits
keep the doctors alive. He must be
mistaken. Those very things have
killed several doctors in this city.-NeU
Orleans Picayatne.
Teacher: s'Well. how stupid you are,
to be sure. Can't multiply lightweight
by twenty-five? I'll wager that Charles
can do it in no time" Pupil: II should
not be surprised They say that fools
multiply very rapidly nowadays.
'Otway, dramatic poet of the first
class, persisted with hunger" What
became of the third class poets in OF
ways dav is not stated, but these were
probably fired from a mortar against
stone wall,
A young man of one of the neighbor-
inc towns, and who is well known in
this city, didn't know how he was 10
spend February and March in Florida,
but some one proposed fair; he was
made treasurer, and the $3.50 enabled
him to do it.
1t is said that litigation is SO rare in
Searey county, Arkansas, that a lawyer
could not make living at his practice
if he were to receive all the fees on both
sides of every case. When man has
any trouble with neighbor in that
county, they go out and settle it with
shotgans. Boston Post.
When Colorado man energies from
the cellar where he passes pleasant
quarter of an hour hiding from biz
card, he finds his house upside down
across the way. and is sure to exelaim:
Il do pity the Eastern folks, who never
enjoy fresh air unless they come to Col
orado."
If You want to find good logician,
90 to your tailor. The other day one
of these fractions of the human family
was overheard to remark: 81 never ask
a gentleman for money" but sup
pose he doesn't pay youp' ''WeH, If
he doesn't pay me within reasonable
time, conclude he is mot gentleman
and then ask him.
A newly-married couple from Way
back were in the city yesterday, and,
of course, found an oyster saloon the
first thing. s.HoW do you want them,
on the half-shell?o the waiter asked the
groom. stNah-sir-eei thar's no half-shell
business with this weddin' trip; give
'em to us on the whole shell. ~ oches-
ter Post Dispatch.
A parvenu having purchased an an
cient castle, with all the accessories, is
found by his daughter on the first cold
day warming his hands at a fire which