The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-09-08
W.T. AND NUM0R.

IL is after WomaQ has emerged trDn
n saltwater bath that figures don't lie
1t is whcna woman tries to whistle that
the great glory of her mouth is seen
without being very much heard.
4 genuine and cultured New England
editor wants to have Denis kearney
mistaken for lntormer Carey.
The next time man ut Niagara AT
:cmpts to shoot the rapids he will 10 it
with n gun.
Teacher "Can You tell me which is
the olfactory organ?' Pupil frankly
answers. mo, SIR" Teacher-"Cor-
rect" Pupil goes off in brown study.
That the Brooklyn police succeeded
in arresting croquet player in the
very act recently proves that justice
is not SO blind rs she is reported to be.
There's no place like home" re-
peated Mr.. Henpeck, looking at u mot
to, and he heartily added: I'm glad
there isn't
When Hamlet said "But | have that
within which passeth show it is be-
lieved that he had in his pocket u COM
plimentary ticket to the circus.
Fisherman-"Get any sport in this
stream, Pat?n Indeed we do, sorr---
the hight o. sport, sorr; we always
throw the BailiffS in there sorr"
Two English sparrows. in Paducah,
Ky, tried to drown each other in a gut
ter The sparrows know what they are
good for.
The dudes of Philadelphia and New
York have taken to drinking absinthc.
AS the only effect produced by this drug
is softening Of the brain, the dude
topers are perfectly safe.
A new novel is entitled "A Foolish
Virgin Probably she didn't find out
until she tried it that the usual thing
for frecklcs lotion is to take the skin
along with the freckles.
Some OF the farms in Ireland are
strips of land only ten feet wide. That
is twice as big II farm rs some men we
know would cultivate. if it were given
to them.
Il meant to have told you of that
hole said Il gentleman to his friend.
who, walking in his garden, stumbled
into pit of water. NO matter said
the friend. Il have found it.
They have discovered n greater curl
osity than the sea serpent at Newport.
1t is 1.-THE married man VINO pays atten-
ton to his own wifc!'' tits very strange.
But perhaps he has to.
Oscar Wildo's London lectures on
America are much brighter and more
interesting taan any of his lectures de-
livercd while here. Oscar seems to
have learned something while in this
country.
Cheap Italian labor has run the price
of shines down TO three cents. \
threc-cent shine, however, is merely n
run across the toes, leaving the heels as
red as sunset. Like a school boys boots
on exhibition day.
1t makes n man mad 10 suddenly
round corner, meet richly-dreSscd
woman, receive Il charming bow, doff
his nat nearly 10 the ground, and then
discover that he has been doing the po-
lite to his cook.
The plaintiff in ST. Louis suit for
the recovery OF money paid for a seal
skin sacque AYERS in her formal COM
plant that the garment hang upon
her person in a most ungainly manner,
destroying her peace of mind while
it.
Fishes that climb trees may be
seen ut the International Fish Exhibi-
ton ut London. Perhaps if our anglers
who nave such poor luck when they 90
fishing. were to take gun and 20 out
into the woods, they would bag more of
the tinny tribe.
Never would call n boy of mine
Alias" said Mrs. Jones, of Hunts
vile, Ala. IF had II hundred to name.
Men by that name is allus cut,in' up
capers. Here's Alias Thompson, Alias
Williams, Alias the Night-Hawk-all
been took up for stealth "
Oklahoma PAYNE is bound TO go into
the Indian territory. WHY doesn't he
90 down into the Apache Indian terri