The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-11-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

out his eyes.
Change of title.-He is not to be call
ed Grand Old Man. any more; but, if
you ak US what his new name is to be,
it is "a First-rate Teller.
NO" said Biggs, mo liquor in mine.
A stick in my lemonade always makes
me feel sleepy" Then y remarked
Fogg, Il suppose you would call it
nod stick"
They call certain art daubs that you
can make neither top nor tail of
Studies" because it would take a
years study to find out what the paint
er tried to do.
Irving. the English actor, will write
book giving his impressions of Ameri-
ca" Mr.. Irying's impressions of
America will be mainly determined by
Americas impressions of him.
DR.. Willis announces the fact that
''mother-in-laws are not laughed at in
Persia" Same here. He must be
bold, bad man, without any hair who
would laugh at his mother-in-law.
Come away frum dat straw-stack,
chile" called negro woman to her
son. ''Fust thing yer know yer'n hab
de hay fever. Doan yer put none oh
dat straw in yer mouf."
So many people are dying in all parts
of the country just now at the advanced
age of 105 years, that man at So feels
kind of bashful about going into bar
Der shop.
A Springfield (Mass.) boy received
this dispatch from his generous Holyoke
girl the other day: Joe, come up; L
am full of money and will pay all ex-
penses.
There is one thing connected with
your table," said drummer to a west
ern landlord, THAT is not surpassed by
the best hotels in Chicago" yes"
replied the pleasant landlord, "and
what is that?'' The SALT
Gentlemen, said the Texas man in
the restaurant, when the waiter dumped
plate of hot. soup down his back,
gentlemen, don't laugh As he had
risen to his feet and drawn two revol-
vers, his wishes were respected.
A mother can call Johnnie, it's time
to get up" for three hours without
making an impression, but when the old
man steps to the foot of the stairs and
shouts, joint Johnnie takes his break
fast with the rest of the family.
A physician said loosely to police
man one evening: Il always feel SAFE
when l see a policeman in the evening,
for there is no danger about" Eyes,
safer that l feel when l have doctor
about" was the retort.
II say, jenkins, can you tell young,
tender chicken from an old, tough one?"
''Of course can" s'Well, how do yon
tell it?' '.By the teeth" Chickens
have no teeth, man. mo, but l
have"
There are some things about the ma
tional game which are difficult to I'M
derstand. For instance, the outs al
ways occur in the innings, and when a
game is called it is not a called game.
Boston Trans cript.
The chief of police of Buffalo defines
suspicious person as ''a man standing
on street corner with his hands in his
pockets. Fold your arms and lean
against wall if you want to pass for
an honest man.
A colored girl was heard the other
day to remark confidentially to friend:
Eyes M, | done write to my gemman
fren' dat de next time | set de day fur
de ceremony it'll have to come off; an
he knows rs in earnest, for put it in
parenthesis."
A St. Louis girl stole nineteen trade
dollars and concealed them in her
mouth, and even then had jaw room
enough left to sass the officer who came
to arrest her so vigorously that his hair
jumped up and kicked his regulation
cap off.
In Scandinavia, mothers take their in
fants to church, closely swaddled and
wrapped in furs, and bury them in the
snow-drifts at the door, leaving little
holes for the children to breathe
through, whence from time to time is
sues a superior article of ice scream.
Upon his first visit to New York.
boastfully asserts a paper of that city,
"a western man is astonished." Well,
we should say he is He is more than
astonished. He is struck dumb when
he feels for his money and finds that
some pickpocket has relieved him of it.
Nashville has passed city ordinance
against fortune telling. An astrologist
told an alderman that he was to marry
a widow worth $150,000 He married
one who was in debt to the tune of So
900, and he doesn't want to see any one
else so basely deceived.
A young lady who visited Saratoga
this summer has had seven marriage
proposal from young men of sense and
wealth since her return home She APP
peared at the hotel dinner table one day
in dress costing not over II cents a
yard.
A young society man, whose mind
was running on another subject, ac-
knowledged an evening invitation as
follows: ''Your kind invitation for
Thursday evening is accepted with re-
gret. And then he lay awake all
Thursday night wondering why his hos
tess treated him so coldly.
Two lovers in Milwaukee agreed to
commit suicide at the same hour the
other night. Next morning both were
up an hour earlier than usual to look
over the paper, and their disappoint-
ment and disgust at such conduct on
the part of the other was too deep for
utterance.
Pensacola merchants now feel as if
they would never buy another bill of
goods of the Mobile men who quaran-
tined them; but they may get over that
feeling If they can save ten cents freight
on a consignment. The man of senti-
ment, by the way, is not engaged in
business.-Ne1O Orleans Picayufae.
You ought to be in our room now,"
said Amy; ''we have teacher that
rules the roost." WELL" replied the
high school girl, I'D be ashamed of
myself; you should say, governs the
horizontal perch on which the fowl re-
poses, not rules the roost. "-OH City
Derrick
Uncle George: '.How do you do,
Belle? Got back again? Had a good
time in the country" Belle: "SFlen-
did, Uncle George. never had such
nice time in my life" Uncle George:
What did you say his name wasp