Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1883-03-28
FLASHES OF WIT,

A FINE place-The police court.
GENUINE self.denial-Saying mot at
home"
SUBJECT to fits, and pretty bad ones
sometimes -Tailors.
RUFF on royalty-The historical collar
OF good Queen Bess.
IT is the suppressed work that sells
the best.
A NEwBERRY County, s. c., man has
324 grandchildren. He always comes
north just before the holidays.
A wAHN1N'-
DE man what 'pends on de rooster fer ter crow
An wake i'm up 'arly in de mawnin',
May sumtime fin' dat de rooster is no mo-,
J. But wuz stolen sev'al ours fore de dawnin'
I Georgia Major.
"OH, aunt" cried little Amy in her
nursery the other day, ''make Freddie
behave himself; every time I happen to
hit him on the head with mallet he
bursts out crying. "-Er.
A CHICAGO man has invented cast-iron
tableware that looks just like porcelain,
and is In ecstacies when he seesa servant
girl drop half dozen cups and shrek
with borrow at observing their failure tc
break.
"MY boy" said policeman to his
son, "lean a little towa,d every thing
and commit yourself to nothing. Be
as round as bottle and Just dark
enough so that nobody can see what's
in you"
| ''ARE there any elevators in the new
capitol?" asked a newly-arrived stranger
in Austin. mo, they got them next
door to the capitol for fifteen cents
apiece, with Glove thrown in.-Teras
Siftings.
"4oU'RE getting quite bald, old man;
you try rum" Rum! So I have.
I've bought gallons of it." "Ah, / see;
but then, p'r'aps, you could never get it
any higher than your mouth" Ion.
don Judy.
A PETT1s COUNTY, No., woman is the
mother of fifteen girls, all living. When
they all march home from church Sun.
day nights accompanied by their beaux,
the procession is picturesque and pal:
pitating. -Er.
| UP to the present time the ground hog
is the most successful weather prophet
| OF the year. The goosebone ranks sec.
ond, and it is nip and tuck between Wig.
gins, Vennor and the muskrat for the
third place. Her.
"WAss'r the boss little full, last
night ?" asked a customer Of the barbe,
| who was shaving him. "Full? Well,
should smile Why, he was SO drunk
that he tried to find out where he lived
by looking IN the dictionary!'
A YOUNG child in Oregon died from the
effects Of swallowing the leaves of an al.
manac. 1t is suspected that the seven.
cornered name of new liver remedy al.
vertised therein stuck in the child's
windpipe. -NorristoeVn Herald.
MRS. SMITH, triumphantly "The
hand that rocks the cradle is the hand
that rules the world" Mr.. Smith, cyni
cally-''Yes indeed, my dear; and that:
just why the world is 70 deuced badly
governed Lou. Cour. Journal.
WESTERN colporteur was once convers
ing with an Illinois man on bis religious
duties. Said he: "Do you attend
church regularly ?" "Oh, no; I never
go to church, but I alters make it pint
to tend funerals. They be Jest as sol.
emp, and thar hisn't no Reflections
EIchange.
SIS Miss Blank at home ?" asked Q
faultlessly.attired bore of the new girl
The girl took from her pocket a photo
graph, carefully scanned it, and after
another look at the features of the
visitor, answered.: "No, sir; she has
gone to Europe" He left.-Phiiadel
2ohia Ne1us.
SMALL boy of eight Cooking over pic
ture book with boy of ten)-What's
that? s. b. of ten--Why, don't you
know? That's a donkey: haven't you
ever seen donkey? s. b. of eight
(doubtfully)-No. s. b. of ten (patron.
jzingly)-Why, I have; lots of 'em-in
the theological gardens, you know
Life.
A New YORK man has discovered d
new method Of utilizing leather scraps.
The old method, we believe, was to con-
vert them into improved clans, and il
the new scheme is to use them in max.
ing railroad restaurant sandwiches, the
discovery is very important and &C.
ceptable one. It might be possible to
insert the teeth into sandwich made of
leather.-N0r. Herald.
A WOMAN entered a saloon in Jersey
City, kicked over the table, smashed a
dozen glasses, shook her fist under the
barkeepers nose, and called him fiend,
and led her husband out by the ear.
The barkeeper from over the Rhine
closed one eye significantly, and re-
marked to terrified customer: "By
chinks maybe she vus mad aloud some
dings-eh?"-Me Judge.
"WHY are you in such hurry to get
home ?" one Frenchman asked another
who had recently arrived in New York,
and had already bought ticket for the
return trip. "Ah, my friend, I return
that l may become member Of the cabi-
net" Indeed! What hope have you
of that?" "Tbey will have tried every
other Frencbman by the time I get to
Paris, and I must hurry to take my
turn"
ARRESTED for carrying pistol, was
he ?" asked magistrate OF an officer, re-
ferring to gentleman who had Just
been arraigned. "Let's see the pistol. -
The weapon was produced, and handed
w 9Ao JuuSes VIII SAduu1ueu IL, auO
asked: "Where did you get it 2"
Bought it at hardware-store. -
"What did it cost % "Fifteen dollars. "
Fine implement. How'll you swopo"
And the judge drew out pistol, and
handed it to the prisoner. "Take $40
to boot" "All right. Ill fine you $40.
That makes us even.-Detroit free
Press.
A NEW YORK gentleman whose niece
playfully dipped her spoon into his cof-
fee cup and slipped few drops, jestingly
reproved her. t'You mustn't do that, -
said he, and then added: "What Bible
character do you resemble in that act p
"Give it up" "Balaam, bail 'em of
course" Then some one unfortunately
asked, "and why is she like Balaam,
pray ?" The young lady herself replied,
"Well, I can't conceive, unless because
BALKAN was reproved by an ass"
A ST.: LOUIS lawyer thanked the jury
for deciding case in favor of his client;
saying simply: "Gentlemen, I thank
you" This brought old Judge Van
Waggone7 to his feet. II hope sir,