Weekly graphic. [volume] (Kirksville, Adair Co., Missouri) 1880-1949, 1883-08-10
WIT AND HuMoR.

VIII NM nUMOp
''If thought was to become gray
I know should dier' exclaimed Mis-!
Springle. And when she turned gray
she did dye, sure enough.
No wonder the peanut crop promise:
to be failure. The people Of the Soutf
persist in calling the crisp nuts '.goobel
peas"
The country preacher is expected to
be poor and humble. His congregation
must keep him poor; the Lord will make
him humble.
A bill against Internal machines has
passed the Pennsylvania Senate; but
by some strange Omission, nothing i
said about an umbrella With loose rib.
Puck.
The possibilities of 'sPinafOre' have
not been exhausted yet. A company is
now travelling through Pennsylvania
singing the opera in the original Penn.
sylvania Dutch dialect.
A catarrh remedy which cured hun.
dreds of cases in Minneapolis turned out
to be nothing but cornmeal and table
salt. Those noses must have thought
the johnny-cake season had arrived.
go awayH' yelled the sportsman to
his boy; 60 away: For once in my life
I've caught string of fish, and if any:
body sees ME talking to you, they'll
swear 1 bought 'em of YOU
'.Now, then, Witness" said the cross.
examining counsel sternly, ''does the
preceding witness enjoy your entire con.
fidence?' ''Great Scott, no! Why, that
my wife"
proud of it2'' he said. ..Of course
1 am. He stopped four days at my
house and was taken with the delirium
tremens. Shows Tn good entertain.
er, doesn't it99''
Making him feel at home: "Enfant
Terrible-s'O. papa, do ask Mr.. Gobe-
mouche to swallow his Napkin Guest
(smilingly)-''Why do you wish me to
do that, Miss Alice?'' Alice Earnestly
10, because mamma says you will
swallow anything"
81 notice one thing about this hotel. -
said one drummer to another as the pair
were seated at dinner: 1.-THE people here
understand the art of bread-making."
$50 they do was the response. ''but
they can't help it, you see; it's inn
bread"
And even now things go wrong in
Oirland! Scene: An Irish cabin. Pats
i'll. Doctor has just called. swell,
%cl- h<x 49, II.
sent you?'' ..Ycs, sir, be jabbers, 1 have,
but 1 don't feel any better yet; maybe
the lid hasn't come off YETI
'You ought to see my new dog"
said A. to d. Hes one of the best
Gordon settlers ever saw" 1--WE got
setter that will lay over him. re-
joined B. bet you Il V you haven't.
Taken" said 3. The bet is still I'M
decided because B. t:otted out hen.
At the restaurant-,howt to establish a
distinction Customer: .'Give me a
steak Just warmed through. some boiled
potatoes. and quart bottle of extra
double Guinness stout" Waiter: Eyes,
sir. (Soliloquizing.) Now if he growls
over all that when he gets it, I'll know
heS a genuine BrltOn.
Two dudes had finished their choco-
late in the Cafe Brunswick, New York,
when one of them thus addressed the
waiter: ''Waitah! howh mush is aw
bill?'' Fifty cents, sir ''Yaws.
yaws; but the amwount?" "Why, fifty
cents, l said.' "Yaws; but don't you
see, the amwount in shillings?''
The new coachman has been advised to
be scrupulously polite toward his en-
ployer if he wishes to keep his place
Accordingly, when his master visits the
stable the following conversation takes
place: '.Well, John, how are the horses
this morning. .'Quite well, sir, thank
you. And you?"
In a crowd-"WhO is that man?"
''Oh. he is one of the most prominent
Irish Americans" who is that other
one?'' '.He is distinguished German
'.And that one9'' "A we'll
known French-Amer.can." '.And that
one over there with bundle under his
arm?' ''Oh. he's nobody-nothing but
an Observation-Disclosures"
The latest anecdotc about the old lady
who thinks that she '.knows everything
is about how she went to a church So
cable, and as she entered the room, the
young ladies said: ''GoOd-evening,
:untie, we are glad you came; we are
going to have a tableaax this evening.
''Yes, 1 know, l know was the reply,
u smelt 'em when / first came in.''
The youngest telegraph operator in
he world is a little girl 10 years old who
has charge of a railway station in Tex
Is. This probably accounts for the fail
IRE to run double track trains on single
rack reads in Texas. The efforts seem
% be made most frequently on rail-
ways employing 10-year-old operators
md 14-year-old Observation-Disclosures
While more boys are born than girls.
t is a singular fact that there is a sur
plus of female population. 1t is easily
accounted for. Pooling with toy pis-
OILS, playing baseball, and falling OF
cherry trees, all boyish pastimes, are
'ix times more hazardous than wearing
,orsets and jumping the rope 500 times
n one inning.-Norr. Herald.
Students, after q sumptuous repast,
% host: .'Our compliments to your
Kitchen and cellar. We have agreed to
AVE running match, and the one who
zones out last win pay the bill. VIII
Tou kindly give us the signal to start?"
The beaming host slowly counts one,
wo, three; the students disappear
Iround the corner aud areseen no more.
-Ftiegende Batter.
''Why don't you kill some of those fine
rogs? asked = man of an Arkansas