New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-07-04
WHOLE NUMBER 4O3
Wit and Humor.

We AuOW tACC, SSCutiC SplluS, SmAS
poet. Indeed, but this poet would be
good fellow to take along at q mas
luerade. He could penetrate most any
disguise.
A belle, who six months ago was so
languid that she could scarcely support
herself at the altar, now throws Hat
ron fifty-six feet and hits her husband
every time.
When the minister announces, ..The
collection will now be taken up" every
irish Invincible in the congregation,
nstinctively rises in his seat and turns,
hat in hand, to his nearest neighbor. ::
When you see man walking along
the public thoroughfares, with bowed
head, apparently "buried in thought
you can size him up as q humorist Any:
man who is always buried in thought
aever has any grave feelings.
Summer boarders that have been as.
signed to the top floor of an old-fashion-'
I'd farmhouse for term of weeks
unite in the opinion that such buildinQs
are erected on the principle Of M
coast attics.
ooh, DEAR" exclaimed Et1ith to her,
doll, Il do wish you would sit still.
aever saw such an uneasy thing in my
life. Why don't you act like grown
people and be still and stupid for
awhile"
Samuel Gum was recently arraigned
IN local court for intoxication. When
he shot his breath at the Judge the lat
ter remarked that it was evidently
muzzle-odor, but he couldn't permit
discharge.
He stood before her holding both her
hands in his and he asked softly. "Why
Anu like a railroad train?' because
you never get anything to eat?'' mo.
my own, it is because I hold two
wrists
''Was at the club last night; had
bang-up dinner,'' remarked Tom.
''Ah!'' said Charley, "then I suppose
you have fine headache this morning.
A headache generally follows stuffed
club you know
''What dirty coat that is, said Mrs.
Clearly; sit looks as though all the rag
pickers in town had had it on their
backs: ;" ''rhen suppose" suggested
Clearly, "that you would call it coat
of many cullers. y
The average young man in New York
might as well emigrate. Judge Armour
has decided that ice cream saloons NAV
be kept open on Sunday. Evidently
the Judge wants to discourage gallantry
in the metropolis. The Drummer.
Mr.. Swineburne has written a poem
on the death of Richard Wagner. The
amount of damages the great compos-
er's heirs will sue for is not stated: but
it is believed that it will be less than
100000, anyhow.
At Sarah Bernhardt's tea the other
day certain Count appeared with one
arm in sling, having wounded himself
while out shooting. .sReallyp'' auoth
the sympathetic Sarah, $50 there was
no other game?"
Professor Swift offers $500 to the dis
coverer OF each comet during the pres
ent year. Wemay be able to avail our
self OF this point some night when ex-
cuses for being out late run dry.-Loy-
ELL Citizen.
Wasn't it rough on Clara, Just as she
was telling Frederic at lunch how
ethereal her appetite was, to have the
cook bawl out: ''Say! will yer have
yer billed pork and beans now, or wait
till yer feller's gone?'
An editor wrote q headline. "a Hor.
rible Blunder,' to go over railroad
accident; but though it was the printers
fault that it got over an account of a
wedding, the editor was the man thrash-
ed all the same.
When cowboy goes into a newspa-
per-otfice to demand satisfaction the
editor always explains that the assistant
who wrote that article ''has just gone
out to kill man, but will be back in q
few minutes. y The cowboy never waits.
Aother survivor of Balaklava is dead
in England. Thus they are falling, the
mobile six hundred" by the ruthless
hand of Time. BY the end of this CEN
tuary, probably, there will not be more
than nine hundred of them left.
It is said that Mile. Etelka Borry, who
will soon appear in this country as
star, eats but one meal a day, walks ten
miles each day, swings Indian clubs,
toys with 1O0-pound dumb-bells and
boxes like prizc-fghter. We should
think that Mile. Berry might be quite
capable OF managing her manager.
A full set of ivory poker checks were
dug up from the ruins of Pompeii the
other day, but the eminent savants still
hesitate to pronounce upon the high
state of civilization attributed to these
people until they find the table with q
hole in the top.
A married man in Rochester, accord
ing to the Post of that city, took Young
lady to the theatre one night, and after
the first act excused himself for a mo-
ment, as he wanted to 90 out and ..see
a man." He didn't come back. Instead
of seeing man, he saw woman. It
was his wife, waiting for him at the
door.
A West Chester physician was called
in by mother to see her little son, who
was suffering with a slight chill, the
doctor stated. The mother said she
was much relieved upon hearing the re-
suit of the Doctors diagnosis, and said
she had feared her boy had the small
pox. The doctor thereupon incurred
the boy had been where small
pox was, when came the reply: mo, he
hasn't been where smallpox was, but
ne was playing with boy who has q
cousin that had the smallpox The
doctor asked if the second boy had
been with his cousin, when the woman
replied he had never seen him, but she
thought the disease might be in the
family. = Westchestcr (fa.) Record.
ADetroit firm hired a new bookkeeper
he other day, and on the second morning
le failed to put in an appearance until
lpout ~ o'clock. Then he came to the
'fhce in such a condition that the senior
'artner felt called upon to say:
Sir, you are drunkr'