The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-04-02
WIT AND HIfMnR

The Philadelphia Times SAYS tina
New York girls are noted because the,
know how to dress. Then why dom
they do it?
/ philosopher informsus that a bonne
Is no longer a bonnet when it become.
pretty woman. And the inference i,
that woman is no longer woman
when she becomes poke.
| A Weil-known member of the Chicago
| Bicycle Club has met with such a com
| plete business failure that he has riored
| an emery wheel on top of his machine
ana now goes about grinding scissors.
'Ah! moaned a widow, recently he
| reayed, what a misfortunel | know
what kind of husband | have lost, but
how can | know what kind of a husband
| his successor will bee''
Six persons who climbed the lev
mountains of Switzerland last year were
overtaken by fatal accidents. 1t is fan
safer 10 stay at home and climb a
creased pole.
Mistress Ito applicant for cook posi-
uon) why did you leave your last
placer" pplicant-s.You're very in
quisItive, marin. | didn't AK you what
for your last cook left YOU
A South Carolina editor hung him
self the other day. Some editors resort
to most extreme measures in order to
improve the quality of the contents of
their papers.
Two young ladies left their escort at a
party few evenings since, and went
home alone, distance of over a mile
The reason assigned is the yanng man
who attended them had flirted with an
other young lady during the evening.
why, I'd like to know" said lady
once to distinguished Judge, ''cannot
woman become q successful lawyer?"
1T simply arises from her invariable
habit of giving her opinion without any
pay, answered the judge.
The Chicago papers say there are
1000 kleptomaniacs in Chicago The
City Council of Chicago was ALWAYS an
unwieldy body, but we never imagined
1t was so large as that Kansas Citg
Journal
For the sake of doing something unu-
sual and being talked about, there are
men who would attempt to get ap
subscription for the relief of those who
had lame thumbs caused by the labor of
cutting coupons from their own govern
ment bonds
The Boston Post believes that the
idea of having State capitols in large
cities is all wrong. Have 'em in small
towns the Post says, where hotels
are bad. variety shows scarce, and most
of the girls homelv. Then you'll get
short sessions and quick adjournments. "
why don't you come to Sunday
ehool?' said a Superintendent to a
boy. . Cause pa owes my teacher fol
a pair of boots, an the teacher got to
sendinG"notes home by me. an pa said
| needn't SO any more till he paid for
the boots, an j don't reckon I'll go any
more.
a stylishly dressed woman entered a
restaurant. The waiter handed her q
bill of fare. and said please mark off
the dishes You wish to order Taking
the pencil she made few dashes, and
her order read: Dinner 80 cents.
FEB. 20, SO, vegetables, - please
pay at the desk, celery"
Nothing makes a Woodworking mar
ried woman so mad rs to work all the
morning making stuiling and uncan-
ming Jelly. and then to find out that the
bunch of canvasbacks her husband has
hung up on the back porch are only a
lot of decoys he has bought for a shoot |
ing trip.
United States Consul Sprague, al
Gibraltar, writes an elaborate report to |
the government on american Mules in |
the British Army" There, now, you
men! You We gone and per |
has been obliged to join the British
Army.
A lover was taking his young lady |
out for n drive. Being determined to
have it over with her, he popped the
question, and in his excitement pulled
the horse on one side, and the trap
struck mile post. The girl was thrown
high into the mir, but rs She came down
she uttered firm Yes. Charlie" and
then tainted
Yes" said the witness, II remem-
Der the defendants mother crying on
the occasion referred te. She was
weeping with her left eye-the only one
she has-:.nd the tears were running
down her right cheek" WHAT ex-I
claimed the Judge, .'how could that
be?" please your honor, said the
witness, ''shc was awfIlly cross eyed.
A servant girl who had been admon-
ished by her mistress 20 be careful in
..washin' upp the best tea-things was
overheard shortly afterward indulging
in the following soliloquy while in the
act of washing the sugar basin: ''lf
was to drop this ere basin, and was to
catch it, | suppose / shouldn't catch 1t;
but if [ was to drop it and wasn't tol
catch it, | reckon | should just catch
it,
Malcolm Ito the colonel, who has
been narrating his adventures all over
the globe:) Eye must ha' had gran
Sport among the blnck men, sir. Had
they ony releegion?' Colonel: .'All
kinds, Malcolm. Some worshipped
idols, some the sun. some the moon,
some the water Malcolm: ssThe wa
teri (musing) '.Aweel, sir, | co'ldna
bring myself to care for that
Mrs. Langtry, in answer to the ques-
ton: what are your special pets?'
replied. Il like best dogs and horses
[ have a lovely collie. a parrot, and an
excessively ugly but fashionable German
nm. with very short legs and long
body We believe Gerhard is not a
German but an American. The name.
however, is perhaps responsible for the
mistake, as the rest of the description
seems to be all right.
A new system of preserving butter,
by covering it with layer, an inch In
thickness. of strong solution of sui
phate of lime, has just been discovered,
and is pronounced highly successful =
Ercha77qe The Chicago boarding
house keepers have better plan than
that They just lower it into the sewer
hon dor. N