The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-12-29
WIT AND HUMOR.

NOoo ~ NV 'iiiHS iitci All, az tut
old man said when the mad dog bit 6
large splinter out OF his wooden lee and
got choked with il.
When You ask the old gentleman
how his daughter is coming on, and he
irascibly snaps back At you "well
enough" take our advice and let well
enough alone.
I A young man in South Carolina. only
; 20 years OF age. has been engaged nine.
teen times. 1t is seldom that youth
of his age has been the hero of so many
narrow escapes.
Two new comets have made their
appearance in the starry field, but they
will not attrac. much attention, ~ it is
getting too late for young people TO sit
on the front steps.
''How is the earth divided?" asked
a pompous examiner, who had already
Worn out the patience of the class.
'By earthquakes replied one boy,
after which the examiner found that he
had enough of that class.
A lot of women voted in Bingham
! ton, New York, the other day, and when
p, their tickets were handed them they
wanted To take them home and run a
hem around the edges 50 they wouldn' t
ravel out. a woman knows lots about
the ballot.
/ 1t was at the close of the wedding
breakfast. One of the guests arose, and,
glass in hand said: II drink to the
health of the groom-May he see many
days like this" The intention was
good, but the bride looked as if some
thing had displeased her.
! Literary: Wanted-A story of bur
glary for ghosts in which the night is
not very dark without, and the wind
does not blow in iitful gusts, and the
old oak in front of the house does not
groan dsmally. On receipt of such we
agree TO return the manuscript
In setting hen Il farmer made a
mistake and put q number of porcelain
eg~s under the fowl She is doing the
best she can, but her eyes have g far
away gaze, and she looks like % man
who has Just bitten off the end of a
cigar and has no match.
Every subscriber for country paper
can do much for the paper by becom-
ing reporter for it. That would great
ly hel Up the editor in getting out read
able sheet. The trouble with the
average subscriber is that he is not
content with being reporter He
wants to write the editorials.
1t was Il temperance meeting, and
the speaker, with q smile of modesty,
began Ladies and gentlemen, were
| to talk lengthily upon this subject ]
would no doubt bore you. In Il mo-
mcnt, however, Il voice from the gallery
was heard to retort, Ma fear, mister,
you're no sharp enough for that
but can any one who has never
reached man s estate feel the blighting
agony of an error that the victim must
understand alone?n asks modern
philosopher. No, respected sir; no per-
son but the man who bursts his suspen.
der-button in "a crowded drawing-room
can do that.
Women have tact always, and fire..
quently talent for making themselves
agreeable 70 new acquaintance. 4
lady sojournng at certain New Eng
land resort last summer was introduced
to another LADY who had rcgi.lerc;:
from Cleveland. $50 you are fro,a
Ohio graciously commenced the for
mer; "what is your husband 4 cane;
date for?'
\ new taste III men and women
She; What iine-looking man A.,
O'Bren is,' He: HIN nah rathey
rough-hewn, think. Can't ray that /
admire that loud-!augting, strong
voiced, robust kind OF a man. Now,
that d fne-looking woman he, talk
ing tor' She: well Ter somewhat
eileminate, you know Confess ] don't
admire ci.eminate women!'
Ethel: Il cant see what Maud can
acc in that ungainly, awkward Capt.
Heayitree." Madge: My dear, it's |
becoming perfectly absurd. Onlythink, |
the gardener told the cook yesterday |
that he hoped the Captain would stay |
for another fortnight, for positively |
there was no necessity to ro.l the gray
ii walks while they kept perpetually |
promenading up and down!
\ man going home at late hour in
the night saw that the occupant Of 4
house standing flush with the stree.
had left a window up and he decided 10
warn them and prevent u BURGLAR.
putting his heal into the window he
called out: Hello! good poop
That was all he said. 4 whole pailful
of water struck him in the face and a.
he staggered back woman shrieked !
out: "Didn'i tell you what you'd ge;
if you wasn't home by 8 o'clock?'
a young man vino was DESTROYS of
the daughter OF a well-known
merchant, after many attempts to
breach the subject 10 the old gentleman,
in q very suffering manner commence
ed: MIR O., lire you willing to let
me have your daughter .ane?" "Of
course | am, - grutii; replied the old !
man; land wish you could get some
other likely fellows to marry the rest of
them
Out in Illinois they hadn't heard Of
the Java earthquake i'll alightning-rod
man came along and told of it. Then
they said they could stand q good deal
OF lying from one OF his profession. but
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