New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1883-04-28
THE CONGRATULATIONS OFFICE

The whole science of how not to do 1T is
Taught and practised in the CircumlOcution
Office commonly known as that OF the District
Attorney. The Barnacles are there every day
each it appears, for an hour or two at least
in the persons of several Assistant District-At-
torncys The office seems to go mechanically,
after a fashion, even in the absence of the sick
chief, for each Assistant Barnacle busies him
self in not doing it, and evidently relies conf
IDENTIFY on evcry other Barnaclc Assistant to go
right on illustrating the science.
Grand Juries are carefully instructed to go
on ordering indictments which are drawn
against excise and gambling and lottery law
offenders who arc never arraigned. A cher
Barnace Assistant goes methodically about
drawing circumlocutoiy indictments which may
be duly dismissed for obvious technical errors
or returned for proper Endorsement, thus show
ing in the most skilful manner and in the very
best light the whole science which he has mas
tered In the circuitous passage from the
Grand Jury to the Distfict-Attorney's office,
thence TO the courts ana thence TO the clerk S
Office. and back again into the District-Att0r
news desk, numbers OF indictments get lost
and witnesses who attend to testify against
culprts who arc wanting to know when they
are to lie tried, grow weary of waiting and go
away in disgust because there is no Assistant
Barnacle in the absence of the sick chief to
take the witness's aifidaylts or to prosecute the
criminals. Policemen and detectives guard the
Assistant Barnaclcs from the intrusion OF thes"
culprts who arc wanting to know, ana each
manifests his annoyance whenever they make n
second visit in pursuit OF knowledge. The prl-
yate detective Barnacles seem to have fastened
their grip on the Circumlocutlon Office quite as
firmly as the Assistant Barnacles themselves !;
and will probably greatly aid the latter in keep
inp out an obtrusiyc public when meddesome
public insists on wanting to know from what
public funds they are to be paid for assisting
in showing how not TO do it.
Sometimes n dsgusted Recorder severely
reprimands the circumIocutory methods of the
Assistant Barnacles and returns papers for
proper Endorsement or discharges criminals
because there is no Assistant BaInace TO pros
ecute them. Then again the chief, observing
the public eye upon Eim, PUSHES to the Circum-
locution Office in moment OF cOnyalesccnce
makes a spasmodic effort aud shows how not to
do it by having several score of Excise law
offenders fined in such small sums as will en-
courage them to go on offending; and works
himself into a relapse. Then the entire staff of
Assistants, wearicd by this spasm of activity,
resolves itself again into family of Barnacles
and dcvotes itself to showing the public how
| Thoroughly Il understands tho whole science OF
how not 10 90 1t.
Sometimes an angry newspaper attacks the
| CircnmlocutiOn Office and intimates that the
| science which is known 80 well therein is not
fully appreciated by the public which pays tor
| never having it OF anything else done There
| upon "A chief Barnacle Assistant replies Mt
| great length in tho most approved crcumlocu-
| tory manner showing that the Barnacle Assist
ants proceed not to do it in perfectly legal
manner and according to the New Code. And
| at the close OF the administration of the Cir
| cumlocuton Office we suppose an Assistant
| Barnacle will overwhelm n complaining public
| by sending to the papers report containing a
| few fipures which will show that these much
| maligned Assistant Barnacles in their short
| COMPASS of three years term wrote innumer-
! able opinions which did net hold good drew
| several thousand indictments which were
| nipeon -holed arraigped several thousand
| criminals who were not convicted let of sew
eral thousand more who were confesscdly
| guilty with light fines because in confessing
| they saved the Barnacles some trouble and
finally that they had used red tape enough to
stretch in graceful festoOns several score OF
times around City Hall Park, the County Court
House and the Tombs.
L