Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1883-05-04
FUN
A Hard Witness.

FO ~
A Hard Witness.
''Do you know the prisoner we'll ~ ask.
cd the attorney.
"Neyer knew him SICK" replied the
witness.
"No novelty" said the attorney, stern
~. "Now, sir. did you eyer see the pris-
oner at the bar ?"
"Took many drink with him at the
bar"
ANSWER my question, SIR" yelled the
lawyer. How long have you known the
prisoner 2"
From two feet up to FIVE feet ten
inches"
ssWiIl the Court make the
II have, Jedge.'' said the witness, an
ticipat ing the lawyer; Il have answered
the question. knowed the prisoner when
be was boy two feet long and a man five
feet ten.''
Your Honor"
''It's fact, ledge, l IN under OATH per-
listed the witness.
The lawyer arose, placed both hands on
the table in front of him, spread his legs
apart, leaned his body over the table and
said:
Twill you tell the court what you know
about this case ?''
''That amt his name,'' replied the wit
ness.
NE,nko sv,1f + ;cv
"Case.''
''Who said it was 20
you did. You wanted to know what
l knew about this case. His name is
Smith,
'sYour Honor" howled the attorney,
plucking his bard out by the roots, will
you make this m All answer ?"
WITNESS" said the JUDGE, you must
answer the questions put to you.''
Land o. Goshen, ledge, hahn e bee
doin'it? Let the blamed cuss fire away,
Pm all ready"
'',rhen," said the lawyer, don't beat
about the bush any more. You and the
prisoner have been friends p''
Never" promptly responded the wit
ness.
What Wasn't you summoned here
az a friend ?'
No, sir; was summoned here as
Presbyterian. Nary one of US was ever
= friends. He's an old-line Baptist, without
drop of Quaker in him.
stand down. yelled the attorney in
disgust.
'.Hey?'
'Stand down"
Cant do it. I'll sit down or stand
up
sheriff, remove the man from the
box.''
Witness retires, muttering: swell, if
he amt the thick-headedest cuss l even
laid eyes on. ''-Amt;Quated Exchange.
RIDING A MULE.-I have spoken to
Judge Farrar. His ancestors owned the
land near Dutch Gap. and his wife was
Miss Bullock of Lynchburg. Nearly every
Southerner [ meet out here is more or less
related to Virginia. The Judge, as I have
iutiinated. is charming company. Among
tbs good things he told US. was the story
of friend of his who attempted one night
to drive a stray mule out of his yaad. Ar
rayed in that elongated garment which
boys abhor and men delight in. he arose
from his bed, descended to the yard, open
ed wide the trout gate and began to''shoo''
the mule. his wife looking on from, the
chamber window. Mr.. Mule declined
to be s'shooed." His wife began to
laugh.
Vexed by the mule 8 mulishness and his
wife's laughter, that good man crept softly
up to the animal, and with sudden leap,
mounted him. expecting to ride him
promptly out of the yard. But the aston
ished mule took off around the house, the
night shirt tapping and cracking in the
cold air. The faster the mule went the
louder che shirt cracked. and the louder it
cracked the faster he went. Around and
around and around they went, the shirt
tapping and cracking and splitting, the
man clinging for dear life with his legs
and vainly trying to hold him back by the
mane-his wife screaming with laughter
and Fostering him with questions like
these:
Light. my dear, light and spend the
evening-nOw do"
OFF he went. Here he comes again.
"How would you like cup Of tea?"
Round the house he went like lightning
then he hove in sight again.
He was gone again, but the next mo-
N enthe was back.
'Think you could open a bottle of Dor |
ter with your teeth if would throw it to
you ?"i
He vanished like meteor.
Got a cold goose in the sideboard :: |
coald't you carve it with one hand aud |
hold on with the other Y''
Mary" cried out the exasperated man. |
s'yOu are the most internal, unfeelinp fool |
on earth, and if you don't come down and |
stop this accursed mule I'll be dead in five |
minutes. Pm raw as beefsteak now, !
She might as well have tried to stop q I
whirl-wind for by this time the shirt was |
split up the back in ribbands about three |
inches wide, and the mule, mad with fright |
and the cracking of ribbands. was going |
at the rate of tornado. Finally the mule !
tainted, and the man fell to one side, help
less as a little child. and sore all over as q |
boil. His wife with difficulty logged him
into the house, where he lay for weeks. A !
circle of lint resembling small, milky
way, described the race course around the |
house. At intervals during the remainder |
OF his natural life the mule was subject to
fits of vertigo, and could neither be rid
den nor driven until they put goggles of
darkened glass upon him; for the sight of
anything white threw him into cOnvul-
NiOnN and aeG him madlv RACING auuin II