Tolland County press., 1883-02-01
AUNT SAMANTHA DOOLITTLE,s EXPERIENCE
7rH PAPER.

Spunky Holler Dec. 23d
 got hum quite spell fore Liab cum, and when he did, he diddent seem inclined tew say much about it, and l diddent ask him tew, for knew if I did he wuddent tell me the truth, and I don't beleave in putin temptation before ennybody. So I got him sum taller tew rub on his nose, and plastsred up hls shin, and put him off tew bed But he he'd dretful oneasy mite, and kep whisperin' out loud in his sleep, and talkin' tew the widder in his dreems. And when a marred man what's sleepin' beside the wife of his buzzom be- gins tew hug his piller, and call it pet names, what don't belong tew his wife, you may trust your Ant Samantha's ex- perience, and make up your mind that thare's suthin the matter with that man s innerds that ain't helthy It ain't alters a fatal disese, but it ginnerally gifts pow erful grip, and don't often let go without desput remedies, and putty clus watchin'. And watched as clus as I cud, but seein' as Liab cuddent git outer the house with out cane, it diddent amount tew much, and arter a spell l got kinder keerlsss :; which, considerin' the warnin' I'd he'd, was dretful foolish thing fer me tew do
 Twas nigh about a month arter the skatin, and Liab he'd jest got so'st he cud got around, and look nateral, when the Spunky Holler club ingaged the 1ustrus Professor Longtung tew cum and g1v us 8 free 1ecter fur the pupose of elevatin' the morals, and enlitenin the minds of enny benited Hollerites, that wud cum and heer him. He was billed tew lecter on 'sModern America's idee of Paradise ; and tho thare ain't enny dout but what nine-tenths of the avarage Americans have got thare own idee of what they think Paradise ought tew be, they were all on em reddy tew heer what the professor he'd tsw say about it. I diddent kall1erlate Liab was goin' tew git outer my site, fer I new the widder wud be thare but arter he'd left us on the steps he went tew hitch old Kate, and that was the last I see on him till arter the lecter begun. l diddent hser the fust part ont, for was so biz zy, lookin' around tew see if l cud set eyes on Liab or the widder and finally got site on em together on 'tother side of the hall, putty nigh the door. He was
 
 turned moarn half way round, and he was feedin' her on pepermints, as free as water, when diddent know as he had one about his cloes enny whare. I looked at 'em a spell, till begun to gro kinder mad, and jest then I heerd the professer say, '"That the reson why Adam and Eve dun so much mischief in anshent Paradise was becus they diddent hev ennything else to dew
 And that if modern America had he'd a oh ance tew run that institution he'd put a whisky saloon ln one corner of the garden and had dance hall in the upper story, and got Q lot of handbills and advertise, ments printed, tew cirkulate over in the land of Nod, so'st tew let his nabors no he'd gone inter bizzness, and cud furnish 'em all sorts of wines, ails and hckers ten per sent cheeper than enny other live man and was reddy tew see lem at all hours of the day or mite, as long as thare mummy lasted. And he'd kept Mrs Eve so bizzy, bakin' crackers, and washin' beer glasses, thet she wuddent he'd enny time tew spend gossipin' with snaiks; and if she'd happind to met one dresst in a stove-pipe hat and mustash, she wuddent pade no 'tention tew him, 'thout twas tew Egiv him handbill and ask him tew cum lin and git glass of soda. And so Mir. .Snaik wuddent hev he'd an atom of luck in perswadin her to go hookin apples with him, fer she'd got the tables tew set and the cumpany tew see tew, and he'd better cum in and talk it over with Adam and Adam wud hev giv him to understand putty quick thet he was abuv sich low bizzness as apple steelin' fer warn't he sellin' whisky at ten sents a glas, and maxim a profit of nine sents ont every time? but; seein' as MT. Snaik had cum so fur tew dew him kindness, what wud he take? And by the time he'd tuk a cupple of drinks he wuddent hey none whether he wus on an apple steelin' expe- dishun or runnin' whisky mill with Ad- am fer bar tender. :" s4s l can't say as I reely got very cleer lmpreshun of what the, professer thort modern Americas idee of Paradise was but l did think thare was rite smart sprinklin' of truth in what he sed, and one or tew morals, which I don't sp0ss half a dozzen of them that sot and larfed at what he sed, ever tux the trubble tew find out.
 I'd got so ingaged in what the professer watchin' Liab, and when did think ont, to grashus, thay was both on 'em missin'
 AOPO ASAc Ou yG u0V 0NcT u0e JeSb StCu ia trial as that, but if ye hev you'll no a leetle of my experience as I sot there and felt the cold shivers begin game of tag under my dress linin' and a hull passel of hunny bees swarmin' in the top ov my bunnit. ] hadn't enny idee how long they'd ben gone, and I diddent 'spose 'twud do an atom of good to go arter 'em, even if cud hev got out, which didn't look like no easy job, fer the hall was packed full. So, fer moarn half an hour, I sot there about as comfortable as tho was settin' on qulshin stuffed with live hornets, and date all my experiences in nervousness tew the time when I looked fer Liab, whars Liab was, and he warn't thare. Yours truly, AUNT SAMANTHA.