Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-10-04
WIT AND HUM0R.

finding that Plautus once wrote: Tile
Quem dudem dircran, .:he whom l
call a dude
A youth refused to take pill. His
crafty mother thereupon secretly placed
the pill in preserved pear and gave it
to INN. Presently she asked: Tom
have you eaten the pear?" He replied:
YES, mother; all but the seed. :"
\ Canadian contemporary asks:
docs Goodwin Smith''-now stop right
there, please. Gold wins a great many
persons, but when YOU tackle the Smiths
You We got a large family to purchase.
.-B0St0n Star.
In one chapter-Boy-melo shady
spot-secludcd nookEvum! yum! all
gone-boy si@hs-cOlic comes-boy
howls-mother scares father jaws
doctor comes-colic Goes-boy we'll
wants more-(notice of funeral here
after -Detr0U Free Press.
Calino thinks he has been poisoned
and has called doctor. After an ex-
animation the physician orders him to
take an emetic. 1T is useless" re
plies Calino; I have already taken
them twice, and they don'5 stay down
five minutes. FROM The French.
First gent (CelD: "Ye met m ut
me brothers, the mimber, Think"
Second gent (Saxon): Yes, but I
haven't any favorable impression of
him n fact-he struck me as a liar"
First gent: did he, thin? hope We
hit NJ back, sur?'
Yes" says the wise hotel keeper,
''we only charge half-rates for children.
We put lots of pies ank doughnuts be-
fore them, and the little dears don't eat
more than one meal out OF three |
have no sympathy with 4 man who tries
to keep children out Of his house. -
Boston transcript.
The entire dude question is neatly
summed up in Mr.. Lathrop's story now
in course of publication i'll the atlantic.
SAYS one of the characters, speaking Of
imitation Englishmen; II do not OBJ
serve that Lord HawstOne dresses in
that peculiar manner" "Oh, no! he
has no occasion to do so. He is real. "
a case in point: ''You know. love, "
said an elderly maiden atMount Desert,
sit makes one look from six to ten years
Younger every time one crosses the
ocean. "Why, auntv,' hereupOn vent
you've crossed so often, I wonder you
don't look immensely young"
The newest thing in gloves. MY
daughter wanted me to get her pair
of musquito gloves. | suppose she
means those kind like mosquito net
ting" ''Yonr daughter probably
means 'mosquetaire " ''Shouldn't
wonder if that was it. only YOU get
more of the French into it than do. 5"
-Harper'S Bazar.
Have you got any four-o clocks in
your flower earden?" asked one Somer-
Vile gentleman of another. -Four
is no four-o' clocks about mine: it is all
day with my flowers; the hens have
been at en- SO2nerUille Journal.
An Iowa man asserts that the ground
freezes to such depth in Dakota that
it never thaws out, and that any one
who will sink well can always have q
supply of ice water. Satan bushes
clear up to the roots of his horns when
such liar as this turns himself loose
Bismarck Tribune.
A correspondent wrote to patent
medicine manufacturer: For thirty
five years my wife was unable to speak
above whisper, owing to throat
trouble. Two bottles of your medicine
completely restored her voice." The
patent medicine man published his tes-
timonal, and a month later was sold
out by the sheriff.
A lady in Saratoga, blazing with dia-
monds, sent the following order to her
milliner: ''Deer Miss x: Please
get me tow yards Irish point lace, and
also get me six pares of CLUBS seVens
and Il quarters, Observation-Disclosures
colour. P. S.-Don't send the Bill for
| don't wan ito see it, he only
alouse me certain SUNNI and I will
pay it myself.
If there is anything calculated to fill
the palpitating bosom of an ardent
lover with dismay, and make him feel
like badly henpecked husband, it is,
when he has started up q tender sonata
on his guitar, to hear robust tom cat
IN the vicinity start q piece of its own
composition in higher key.-Yo7a6ers
Statesman.
The New Orleans PicGyuaae says sit
is strange Providence that blows
down a church and lets shot tower
stand" The editor of the P5c0uune
has evidently never attended a church
fair and paid five dollars for a colored
china doll. a shot tower never plays
that kind of game on its congregation.
-Pec6's San.
Fragments of dialogue heard be-
tween two languid swells on Boylston
street: ''Fellah told me you were en-
gagged. ''Yaas!" Jolly girl?' cav
full $50 glad" ''Yaas!'' married
soon?" mo! It's off now" 'BIess
me. Don't say So" ''Yaas. Heard
the family ate beans. Could't stand
that!'' TOO badr' "'Yaasr'- Boston
Gazette.
Areason for it: Have you anything
to say against the testimony of the wit
ness?" asked Texas judge of a man
accused of horse-stealing. ''All I've
got to say is the witness has got pre-
11HI0n - 70