News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-12-13
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT WE FIND IN THEM TO SMILE
OVER
The Limc-KiIn Ciub-A ''TOOter - 80 The
GrOceryman 60 A Reveugeful Fellow
Plantation Philosophy, Etc, Etc.
A TERRIBLE REVENGE.

pearance she Tilted me-"
81 see by the papers that among the
wedding presents were ten magnificent
clocks. Rather odd that so many
different persons seould hit on the same
things for presents. But why are you
smiling ?"
"Ah! revenge is sweet revenge is
sweet /"
What can you mean 2
"Don't breathe a word and [ will tell
you. I am acquainted with most of
that cruel firt's friends, and it so hap
pened that nine OF them, not knowing
of my previous love, came to me- .or
suggestions about a wedding present.
l confdentiaIIy advised each of them to
send her a clock, and afterward I added
another clock myself Ha a! ha! the
villain still pursues her 1 am avenged
avenged %
Mercy, man! are you mad ?"
"Never was more sane in my Iife."
"Then how in the world can the
presentation of ten valuable clocks con-
stitute revenge ?"
Hist? Can't you see? She will, of
course, put them in different rooms, and
then will not have a minutes peace
until she gets them to run together.
She will begin by trying to regulate
them herself In six weeks she will be
a raving maniac. '-Ph5ladelDhi0 can.
PLANTATION PHILOSOPHY.
A bald head amt alters de sign oh
sense. De turnip amt so sound airter
yer cut off de greens.
I has know'd tender hearted men dat
would stan an Iissen ter tale oh dis
stress an cry, but at de same time da
hill a mighty tight grip on dime.
[ owed a man onct, an when I
spoke ter him about it he said. "don't
think oh dat, for it's all right" but I
noticed airter quit thinking about it,
he tuck it up an thought about it till it
worried me powerful.
Eff man thinks dat he's done suthin'
funny, an yer laugh, it pleases him
nightly, but eff yer laugh at him fur do
in suthin' what amt funny, he don't
like it. All through life man wants
his frein'S ter look at his own an not Ga
own pleasure.
De pusson what is only smart in one
thing may make big success OBJ hisse'f,
BE b 5s6 58 ga gl}st FJd tB356 81 faHf Hm f i
think more OBJ de mockin' bird, not be-
cause he can sing better den any udder
bird, but because he's got so many diff
ferent songs.-ArkanSaa Trarelcr.
WON'T DO IT.
The Hon. John Pearidge Wesley, Sec
retary of the Jones Crossroads Lyceum,
Virginia, informed the Lime-Kiln Club,
by letter, that on the 9th day of August
next his society proposed to open de-
bate, free to the world, on the query:
''What am de hereafter of animal crea-
tion?" It was hoped that the Lime
Kiln Club would send at least four Of its
leading orators TO participate in the de-
bate.
"While we am much obleeged fur de
;" replied the President, ''we
shan't let de inquiry worry us bit.
While it am a sad thing to part from a
dog which has stood by us fur a dozen
Vars, time spent in wonderin' whar' he
will bring up am time wasted. [ reckon
dat sich of us as git to dat better land
won't be IOokin' around fur hosses, dogs,
COWS an cats. Well be busy wild our
wings an harps, an 'tain't likely dat we
could whistle fur dog if we owned one.
De hereafter of man, an perticklerly of
members of dis club, am of fur mo- con-
sarn to us. "-DehOH Free Press.
MARRIED TWO WOMEN.
''Did you hear of that man down town
who married two women in one day?"
asked Fogg at the tea table the other
evening. 'Isn't it awful !" exclaimed
the IandIady. "Do tell us all about it,
Mr.. Fogg." ooh, there isn't much to
tell" replied Fogg; ''you know him
well. 81 know him! the villain p
the landlady. "Don't say that,
ma'am, said Fogg, soothingly; "don't
say that. It was the Rev. Mr.. Textual,
your beloved pastor, and he wouldn't
like to hear you talk so about him. And,
by the by, he married the women to as
two likely young fellows as there are in
town" The Iandlady says she never
could bear that Fogg.-BOStOn Tran
script.
FELT THE SITUATION.
A German farmer was on trial in one
of the Justice courts the other day for
assault and battery, and had pleaded
not guilty. When the cross -eXamina-
tion came the opposing counsel asked:
"Now, Jacob, there was trouble be-
tween you and the plaintiff, wasn't
there?"
Il expect dere vhas."
'cHe said something about your dog
being a sheep-killer, and you resented
it, eh?"
'VheIl, [ calls him a liar.
exactly. Then he called you some
hard names?"
'He calls me a sauer-kraut Dutch
mans"
Gust 80. That made You mad.
"Oof course. vhas 50 madt shake
all oafer.
q Thought so. Now, Jacob, you are
a man who speaks the truth. L don t
believe you could be hired to tell lie.
''Vcn, plief vhas pooty honest.
"Of course you are-of course. Now,
Jacob, you must have struck the first
blow. You Sec
The other lawyer objected, and after
a wrangle the defendant turned to the
court and said:
81 doan' exactly make oudt how 1t
vhas. like to own oop dot L shtruck
first, but [ haf paid my lawyer 80 to
brove de odder vhay. I doan' like to
tell lie. but feel badt to lose der
money! Detroit Free Press.
A TRUTHFUL ''TooTER. "
$50 You love my daughter, you say?
said paterfamilias to the young man, 'and
want to marry her. What Is your oc'
cupation?"