The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1883-04-11
THE MOUNrAIN HOwIrzER.

One winters evening found myself
in a small Kentucky village down near
the border line of Tennessee. 1t was an
awful cold night and half Of the male
population of the town was gathered
around roaring fire in the only tavern,
drinking dynamite whisky and telling
tales. Among the party was Wyoming
journalist, and he recognized me. 'I7
Say, Mark said he, ''d'yOu know
Tarheel and BradfOrdP"
Ireplied that did and that they both
owed me So. .-lI
you'll never get It," went on the
truthful Wyoming man, but I'll tell
you a good joke on them that Is worth
Ave dollars as literary production.
"YOu see, one time Tarheel and Brad
ford tramped into Laramie with the
remnants of printing Office loaded In
an old covered wagon, with the hungrl-
est and most fOrlOrn looking mule
adrawin the outfit as ever you see. .
"They were gOin to tile Black Hills to
start paper. The boys tried StO pre-
vent the process JiOn, because we knew
that Injuns were along the road and
they would be pretty sure to make pi Of
the printing Office and carry of the
frOwsky scalps Of them two fools. But
they was bound to go, and go they did.
"The boys gin them some prime Ticker
for a nerve, and Tarheel bought q big
carving knife and horse pistol.
Just as they got outside they met an
emigrant train, and Bradford insisted on
trading off half of the Ticker fur an old
brass mountain hOwitzer and some pow
der that u man in the train had. When
they got this they felt as IL they could
lick a whole tribe of Injuns.
That night they camped In little
hollow, jess of the road, feeling as brave
as julius Caesar. About niue O'Clock
their old mule gave a bray that sounded
like the wall Of a lost soul, and the two
journalists sprang to their feet and stood
trembling by the wagon"
"lnJuns sure as you're bOrn," whis-
pered Tarheel. l
HUSH" said Bradford, gimme that
gum" and he pulled the hOwitZer out OF
the wagon, and rammed big charge Of
1--WE amt got any bullet" said Tar
heel.
Never mind" nervOusly whispered
Bradford, "get that loaded matter in the
galleys."
"The InjuDs could be heard creeping
through the grass. Them two cOOns
were purity near scared to death. After
much fnssing TaTheel found some old
patent medicine cuts and lugged out
that was to form the foundation Of the
new paper"
"Quick," said TaThael "there they be
put in that cut of Lydia Pinkham and
thousand NOnparell Of my poetry,
that'll kill 'emS p. d. O."
Barker THmmed these home with a
shOotingstick and mallet, and they steer
cd the muzzle into the bushes and fired.
Shouts Of agony, terrific war-WhOOps
and many mOans followed the first
shot"
"Didn't tell you," howled the de-
lighted Tarheel, as Bradford put In more
powder. "it was my poetry that done 1t.
Here, hurry, put in this column loaded
BREWER on the political question. Ram In
your criticism on Margaret MatherP'
That's no good" said Bradford, GIN
me that essay about spots on the sun,
and more of your poetry-put in that
cut of Tott's pills." ....
"Bangr' Awful destruction of Indians.
"WhOOp," yelled Bradford. "Tutt's
pills did it-they once broke my own
head. Did you see that spots on the sun
knock the spots out of that high chief.
Wah! wahl wahl nothing like your poetry
to plOw thrO Ugh them. Hurry, now, ram
in that blast about Gebhardt, put in
your funny article on onions and tripe.
Where is that snub for Bill Nye-that
will kill 'em all"
"The old hOwitzer was plugged up to
the muZzle, and as the Injuns gave a
charge the old thing beloved out a
snOrter that was heard at the tOwn'hall
in Laramie, and all the boys went up to
see what the row was about.
when they reached the camp they
found Tarheeland Bradford going about
among the fallen slain with torches,
talking to themselves"
They are all dead; 1t was my poetry
that killed en-" 80
"YOu be blowed," said Bradford, at
was TUFTS pills and Lydia Pinkham.
See that track of fallen braves where my
spots on the sun plOwed through" -
"On counting the slain, two hundred
and sixty were found, and Bradford and
Tarheel collected all their arms and be-
longings, loaded them into the wagon,
hitched up the old mule and drove in
triumph to Laramie, where they sold out,
went on spree that lasted six weeks,
during which time Bill Nye announced
in the Boomerang that he was sick abed
with brain Ver."-Mark Twain.