Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-10-22

Just the man to fill vacancy-the dem
tiSt.
Hammocks are knotty; but they are
nice.
Ministers will be sorry to learn that
matches are cheaper.
Tooters of brass instruments are the
banditti of American villages.
A sailor is called an old salt because
the minute he gets on shore he is in a
pickle.
Young ladies should not forget that
Goliath died from the effects of bang on
his forehead.
The late Mr.. Yale, of New Haven, left
a fortune of $s,oOO,OOO. Like Samson,
his strength was in his locks.
1t doesn't follow that because a sur
veyor gets the lay of the land that he has
monopolized the egg business.
The point of a swell's existence is in
his shoes; but woman's existence is
sometimes even more point-lace.
There is man in Pittsburgh so fond
of "fash" literature that he won't read
anything but a powder magazine.
A Kentucky girl refused an offer of mar
riage on the ground that her father
couldn't support any larger family.
The sting of bee is only one thirty
second of an inch long. 1t is your imag-
ination that makes it seem as long as a
hoe handle.
A Nebraska paper wants to know how
to swell the population of its town. A
diet of dried apples may do the work in
a cheap and effective way.
This has been poor year for apples,
but judging from the appearance of the
garden gates and front doors, these even
ings, it is Il good year for pairs.
A correspondent wants to know wheth-
er or not Noah lighted his vessel by cleo
tricity. The correspondent has no doubt
oCCH niSlSu ny tllc arc
This is confusing country. If you
treat man he shows you warm friend
ship, but if you roast him he treats you
with the GOODNESS of an iceberg.
A young man in South Carolina only
20 years of age has been engaged 10 times.
1t is seldom that youth of his age has
been the hero Of so many narrow escapes.
When a-young lady asked to look at a
parasol the clerk said: eWill you please
give the shade you want" 81 expect the
parasol to give the shade want" replied
the young lady.
Man is fool and gets left every time
he obstinately refuses to recognize the
fact that nature had pre-emption rights
on this planet long before he came here.
Grass was green thousands of years be-
fore white pants were worn, and yet
every year skeptical men defiantly wear
them to the picnics.
'sAny good shooting on your farm?'
asked hunter of farmer. s'Splendid, ;,
replied the agriculturist, ssthere's dry
well man down in the clover meadow, a
cloth peddler at the house, a candidate
out in the barn, and two tramps down in
the stockyard. Climb right over the fence,
young man, load both barrels, and sail
in.'
At one of the watering places an inn
patient young man walked up to the bath
ing houses in which he thought his male
companion was dressing, and, knocking
on the same, testify inquired, "When in
blazes are you going to get those pants
on?" There was a faint gurgle and a
silver voice replied: ssWhen 1 get mar
ried, suppose"
81 want to know why the deuce you
persist in playing poker?" an old gentle
man asked his son. Because" replied
the young man 'sthe fellers keep on a
thinking that they can beat me-" s.Why
should that make you want to play?"-
s'Because they keep on beating me-
ssAll right, go ahead then. AS long as a
man loses there is some hope for him,
but when he begins to win he's gone"
A young commercial traveller called on
a Dundee tradesman, and by mistake
handed him photograph of his betroth
| ed instead of his business card, saying
| that he represented that establishment
| The merchant examined it carefully, re
| marked that it was fine establishment
| and returned it to the astonished man
with hope that he would soon be adj
mitted into partnership.
1 JOSH BILLINGS HEARD FRoN.-NEwpoRr, II. I.
1 Aug. IL, 1880.
Dear Biffers.-I am here trying to breathe in al
the salt air of the ocean, and having been suffere
for more than year with a refractory liver, wa