The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-01-18
WIT AND HuMOR.
Mankind descended from a pair.
Mankind'a troubles from an annie

Can deaf man tickle nine young la
diesP-No; but he can just tickle
eight.
If men will persist in riding bicycles,
women should be justified in reding
otes.
Mixed society is like mixed pickles.
All becomes of tho same flavor if kept
together long enough.
Somebody says "ballet girls are not
so bad as they are paintedp We hope
not! They are painted frightfully.
Marriages make men thoughtful.
About half their time is spent in form
ing excuses.
There is an East Indian lady in Paris
who can talk in twelve languages. For
tunately she is not married.
Bridegroom's motto (very free trans
lPtion). Veni! vidi!! vici!!! I've been!
and gone!! and done it'll!
Some people object to the practice of
feeling walters, but does not the smiling
morn tip the hills with gold?
The Popular Scientific Monthly asks:
"What are crowds?" The science of
love says the third party is large
crowd
The best thing about a rainbow is
that it does not stay out after dark. 1t
has not the absurd habits of the crank
comet.
A Cleveland man has invented a
''vacuum gum" This is bad. 1t is al
ways the empty gun that kills the small
8 boy.
'Yes," said the captain of the ocean
steamship, ''we had very expensive
trip this time. Very little sea-sickness;
passengers ate frightfully.
Physicians say that people sleep bet
ter if the head of the bed is placed to
the north. But it depends good deal
where the baby's head is.
Uncle Jake Reade, of Yonkers, upon
reading at the end of friends mar
Tfage notice, '.No cards. sent him
euchre deck by the first mail.
Some captious critic calls a bay win
dow ''an architectural impertinence.'
On the same principle, bay tree may
be designated garden sass"
A man at Omaha found So on the
streets, and he advertised the find to the
extent of 81 and made the loser foot the
bill. 1t is sometimes disagreeable to
meet with an honest man.
A beer garden need not necessarily
be out doors, nor have trees and shrub
berry. If there is beer at the ba" and
s saw dust on the floor, no one cares a
cent for the garden part.
A Montana woman sued for a di-
vorce because her husband kissed the
B servant girl. "You want this man
punishedP' asked the Judge. Il do"
said she. "Then,'' said the Judge, 81
shall not divorce you from him."
A quaint old minister was once asked
what he thought of his two sons, who
were both preachers. ''Well," he re-
piled, George has better show in his
shop window than John, but John has
larger stock in his warehouse"
A Cambridge, Mass, man arrived in
frontier village recently, just as
gang of cowboys had ''taken the town."
. His first exclamation was: ''Well, do
declare! didn't believe you folks had
a college here already?'
''Why are those things on your dress
called bugle trimmings?" George
wanted to know. ''Oh," Emily replied
lightly, II guess it's because pa blows
so over the BILL"
What is the difference between econ
omy and meanness? Well, if man
squeezes to save n little money, he calls
it economy, his neighbors call it mean
ness. 1t depends on who does the call
ing.
During the occupation of Egypt by
the British army, colonel sauntering
outside his camp, near the Gezireh pal
ace, was hailed by q sentry, ''You must
not 90 there, sir'' do YOU see who |
amSCol. -P'' "Yes, sir, / know.
But the harm ladies' are living in that
house, and the orders are from Sir Gar
net that he is not to be let in there him
self, if he wants to-"
Although at its recent session the
American Scientific Association ex-
planned at length the succulent and nu-
tritive qualities of the paleozoic cock
roach, that luscious creature has not yet
supplanted frogs legs ut the toney res.
taurants
81 have been married now" boasted
n prosy old fellow, ''more than thirty
years, and have never given my wife
cross word'' That's because you
never dared, UNCLE" said little neph-
ew who lived with them. If you had,
auntie would have made you jump
First young man: "Well, did you
make the acquaintance of that strange
girl you were raving over?'' Second
ditto: ''Yes, followed her home"
First young man: "How did she strike
your" Second ditto: ''She didn't
strike me at all; she got her big brother
to do it."
The following is verbatim copy of
letter received by Boston school
teacher from the parent of a pupil:
''teecher hattie has gut the crop, and
her throte is so bad she can not come to
school and as soon rs She gifts Better |
am going to take her to new. York for
the winter"
A great many things are accepted by
us, as a matter of course, in this coun
try. An Austin notary was called to
take the acknowledgment of witness
to deed. He wrote out: ITO me,
well known, personally appeared--
By the way, what is your name any
how?"-Terds SttingS.
Said an elder sister to little one who
appeared to take n great interest in Mr..
Smith, Come, little pet, it is time your
eyes were shut in sleep" II think
not, replied the little pet; mamma
told me to keep my eyes open when you
and Mr.. Smith We're together"
He had turned and twisted in his seat
for nearly an hour, vainly trying to
make an impression on the young lady
who sat behind him. At last he broke
forth with: ''Does this train stop at
Yonkers?"' Il don't KNOW she quiet
ly replied; adding, Il hope so, if you
think of getting off there
You say your wife gets mad and
raises a row?" II should say she did.
She makes enough fuss to run freight
train forty miles an hour" "But if
you knew she was in the habit of get
ting mad, why did you marry her?"
because if had held back she would
have got madder than ever"
At a Juvenile party a young gentle