St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1883-06-22
SquibS.

a DeJfOlJ DafDef Is likely TO make q
fortune in his business. He has the
lockjaw.
The slang phrase "a dead sure thing"
has been superseded by the elegant ex-
preston, ga deceased surety."- New
York Commercial Advertiser.
Jefferson Davis has eaten more
crow than any man living. This must
certainly be charged to the account of
the lost caws.-[ Chicago Tribune.
a legless man writes to find out what
work he is fitted for. Let him apply
for situation as bank cashier. He
will enjoy the confidence of the com
munity.
"YOu Just take bottle of my medi-
cine" said a quack doctor to IA con-
sumptive, "and you'll never cough
again" ''Is it as fatal as that ?" gasp
ed the consumptive.
''Did that lady take umbrage ?" said
the proprietor of Harlem store to his
clerk, who had just had a wordy dis
pute with a customer. "Oh, no, she
took ten yards of turkey red calico, and
wanted buttons to match"
At Il wayside inn-French guest ::
"What does this mean, eh Here's an
item, Gas, two francs Why, you
have no gas in the house !" 81 know
it, sir" '"Then what makes you charge
for it ~ $50 as to be able to afford to
put it in, sir +"
AT the bank-Cashier excuse me,
madam, but your account is rather
overdrawn." Mrs. Maltravers (whose
husband is off on business and has left
her a check book: "Oh, Mr.. Cashier
that can't be possible. Pve got lots of
checks left yet"
young Politician" writes: "Why
does state have a legislature ?" My
dear boy, it doesn't. The Legislature
has the state, every time. Has it by
the throat, by large majority. Has it
by the pOcket-bOok. Has it on its
back Burlington Hawkeye.
''Dennis, my boy" said IA school
master to his Hibernian pupil, 81 fear
| shall make nothing out of you. You
have no application can sure enough
sir" said the quick -witted lad, ''isn't it
myself that's always been tOuld there's
no occasion for itG Don't | see every
day in the newspapers that No Irish
need apply at all, at all ~
ooh we had such fun !" exclaimed a
pretty maiden to her best friend. "Jack
and Jim and Will and us girls were
playing Indians, and they chased us all
around the yard with pas guns, and
one OF the guns went off and scared old
Mrs. Brown half out of her wits. How
we all did laugh !" Come over tO-mOr-
row. We're going to play some more"
l..
''Oh, he is one of the most prominent
ishAmericans." "WhO is that other
one ?" ale is distinguished German
American" "And that one ?" "A we'll
known French American "And that
one over there with bundle under his
arm ?" ooh, he's nobody but
an American-American."- y Philadel
phia News.
The latest anecdOte about the old la
dy who thinks that she "knOws every
thing" is about how she went to the
church sOciable, and as she entered the
room the young ladies said Good
evening, auntie, we are glad You came
we are going to have tableauX this
evening" eyes, | know, / know" was
the reply, 81 smelt 'em when | first
came in."-[Ex.
A vigilant sentinel is posted at the
door of "a picture gallery with strict or
ders of the customary character. A
sightseer happens along and is prompt
y halted. "Here, sir, yOu must leave
your cane at the door ~ ''But, my
friend, | haven't got any cane :" "Then
go back and get one No one is allow
ed to pass in here unless he leaves his
cane at the door. Orders is orders :"
A crippled man stopped Philadel-
| phia lawyer on the street the other day
and begged for aims. "WOn't yOu please
give a poor man with wife and a
large family something to keep them
from starving ?" For wonder the law
yer's heart was touched. "My poor fell
iow,n he said, 81 feel for you. | haven't
any change To give you, but tell you
what | will do; if you want divorce
I'll only charge you half rates. Phil
adelphia Chronicle Herald.
Down in Salem, New Jersey, a case
was brought up in court, in which an
old boat was the property in dispute
"Well, you see, said one of the witness
es, 81 owned One-third of the boat, and
| Bill Monk owned the other third. So
we" ''But who owned the other one
third 7" asked the plaintiff s attorney.
'Huh 7" queried the witness. "WhO
owned the remaining One-third 7" re-
peated the lawyer. "Oh :" exclaimed
the witness "Nobuddy. There want
! only about twO-thirds of a boat"