The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-12-01
WIT AND HUM0R.

musical world is on the high {.
Emerson said: There is always
room for man Of force He had
probably met Sullivan in Il crowd.
Irving smokes cigarettes almost CON
tinually, We always thought he was
fond of pulls
The use of Il French word in English
composition frequently fills the place of
an idea.
New York ladies now take lessons in
fencing. They hope to make them
selves more killing than ever.
Conccit is ike grease. itscrvcs to lu-
bricatc the machine of life and make it
run smoother.
A topper defends his custom OF get
ting tight on Thanksgiving day by say
ing that "a man can not see Turkey
without thinking of the Golden Horn.
It's a mighty mean man who wrote
Pull Down the Blind He would
probably be in favor of beating the
cyippl,S.
AWcstrrn mlncalls his trotting horse
-. " Tnc animal. it is supposed has
only been urec5sful in two races, hence
his odd name, Twice wons -. -
A bue-stockiug has written an essay
on "The Disadvantage of Being Pretty"
Most girls are gool-natured and willing
to put up with the disadvantages.
\ mis- i, Il japanese measure of
length 1900 wards LONG. This is
mis- that is very nearly u, good As a
mile.
That man liked to have Knocked my
brains out why YOU don't say SO?
| didn't notice that he kicked you. |
thought he hit YOU on the head
NO" said Mr.. Carcfulbody, 'Inever
say u good word of any man. How do
know but he will be up for Office some
day or other?'
About the most amusing thing we
know of is to watch Il bald-headcd man
with wig try to scratch his head in
church on Sunday morning.
Yes" said Amy. II went to the
telephone and put the thingumbob to
my car ''Thingumbob"' scream
cd the high-school girl; ''you mean the
audituent tube.
Ofcr you got II rebutation, yoost put
him by der key und lock- He vas yoost
like some umbrellas, when YOU loose
him you dond see him not any more
yet. - Cart Iret=cI.
Landlady-' singular. but true,
Mr.. Crossgrain that all my boarders
remain with me- New boardcr Cat
first meaD Too weak to leave, |
guess, after the first week,
The New York SIN fails to answer a
correspondent who asks chow can pro-
family on street cars and in other public
places be chcckedp' How Would it do
to ''turn the rascals out.
There is one cheering reflection CON
nectcd with the subject of cremation
If it ever becomes general, callow poets
will quit chanting their lays about the
cold, cold grave.
What are you laughing at, my deare"
asked Mrs Jones of her husband, whoI
was chuckling over his morning paper. |
Something | saw here" he replied,
"but it's hardly funny enough for two
Reassuring: Sick man What! lady
physician? | want a doctor TO make
me well. not a woman, to make love to
me. Woman physician promise to
do neither.
4 sick friend writes to us TO ascertain
the shortest road to health. There are
two paths--allopaths and homeopaths;
YOU take your choice and pay your
money.
II wish had pug dog. said an
uptown youth recently. 'What in the
world Il, you want one OF the critters |
for?' asked friend. Il know where
| could sell him for $l5r' was the earn
est reply,
$50 Your husband is a critic? Now,
tell me, does he always write just what
he thinks about 4 playa ''Oh, dear,
no! 1t wouldn't do His paper goes
into the best families, and profanity is |
out of the question.
'lIow il Johnnie doing al ,thocl?'
asked lady of Johnnie's mamma dur
ing call. "Splcndidly. He talks in
two languages now Dear me:
What are they; French or Gcrman?'
"Oh, no. English and profanc. -
Monsgnor Capel says that there is
more immortality in the daily newspa-
pcrs than anywhere else. The reason
for this state of affairs is that the daily |
newspapers are filled with the immcr-
alitics of the rest of the world.
Married men have nothing to say in
disapproval of the "shingled bang"
As rule, Il married man doesn't care
what his wife does TO her own hair so
long as she keeps her fingers out of
his.
ado you ever gambler" she asked, as
they sat together, her hand held in his.
He replied: mo; but if | wanted to
now would be my time. > How so.
because | hold n beautiful hand.
The engagement is announced.
An Erie canal mule has toed the tow
path Of that raging inland sea since
1858, and isn't worn out yet. The ca
liabilities of the mule are always thrust
ing themselves to the front-or TO the
rear, we don't remember which.
what do we learn from the parable