National Republican., 1883-05-02

come 70 my friends In WaukeshaW ~
And she smiled and blushed and quite forgot
That he was but a stranger man
And the blunder altered her whole lot
For they got married at waukegan.
TRAVELLERS Magazine
The Indians can be civilized. A Piute
princess has just married her twentieth husband,
having been successfully divorced from the other
nneteen.-LoiOeu Citizen.
WHEN did the democracy commence To crv
"reform2" asks an eastern paper to which the
Philadelphia Neps pungently replies: "when
the republicans got elected to ofhoe."
DOCTOR" asked q. Of witty physician,
why do you and your brethren never 20 TO fu.
nerals?" Because we should have the air Of
taking our work home."-Parfs paper.
Miss KATE FIELD is said to have refused
many brilliant matches This statement leads the
Boston Transcript 10 remark that she acted wisely.
for when match becomes brilliant its utility ID
well-nigh ended.
1T is announced that the maple sugar crop
In Vermont this year is failure. hut the Com.
erefd Advertiser predicts that as long as sand and
glucose hold out that won't affect the quantity
usually sent to market.
A PITTsBURG aurist, to prove that his
power 10 cure deafness was remarkable. saws that
tetday was stone deaf before, but that she barely
reached home until she heard from her son II
California.
PRIEST: Pat. understand you are going
to be married again" Diaconsolate widower:
=" Ys, your riv'rence." Priest "But your wife
Pat, has only been dead two weeks" D. W.:
"Yis, your riv'rence; but shure Amt she as dead
now as she liver will be'"-Harrsrd Lampoon.
A SAN Francisco inventor will soon have
for sale In the tailor shops an instrument that ia
essential to the comfort OF the wearers of tight
trousers. 1t is sort OF telescopic rod made TO
be carried under the coat-tails BY the use of this
prop the user can rest without sitting down at ALL
A 2oO-PoUND negress is striking terror to
| the hearts Of the ignorant darkeys in the SOUTH
west by proclaiming that she Is called by the Lord
to announce the near approach OF the end Of the
world. The most sensible portion Of her pro-
gramme Is tho fact that she never omits taking up
a collection for herself
The Imp says. at Is said that medical
students are easily sickened by corpse that
chewed tobacco We can readily believe IL. A
corpse that didn't chow tobacco would sicken
some persons. It appears that the bad habit con-
tracted by some men in this world cling to them
aflor death. tobacco chewing corpse should be
ignored by oil classes Of society"
$50 you dun got burned out on Hastings
another as they met on Monroe avenue yesler-
day. "Yes, do house dun burned to the groun',"
was the reply. AN you losted eberytin'f" "An
| 'cept one bedstead, two chairs, an de bewro"
Shool Wall. dar's one oonsolashun bout It, Mrs.
Beebo. you has saved 'nuf to begin spring house
cleanin on"-M. quad,
A FUNNY specimen Of anachronism is that
made by Mrs. Stowe In her novel OF "Old Town
Folks" The scene of the story Is laid the year
AVaea oh, llal
or three years before John Howard Payne was
born, or nearly forty before he wrote Home,
Sweet Home" Yet Mrs. Stowe makes one Of her
characters, Uncle Bill" quote the refrain of tho
song in the above mentioned year-17Ss.
81 AM afraid my health is giving way"
said Col Percy Yerger to his wife, as he adjusted
the wet towel about his aching brow. "You
never complained OF your health being bad until
you began to associate with them legislators" re.
marked his wife, sarcastically "Well," he re-
sponded, i" all know Is that drink little get
sleepy and when I wake up am thirsty. That
don't look right In healthy man."-Austin Topics.
BILL, where have you been keeping your
self lately2 haven't seen you down town more
than once the past week." "Wel, Ned, to tell
tho truth, don't drink as much as used to-that
is, in saloons. I'm temperance man now, and
get my liquor by the gallon and keep II at home
| in Jug. Ned, you don't know how nice 1t is to
be temperance man-whisky tastes four times
better out OF a Jug than 1t does In saloon."--
NetHport( (Ky) Journal.
AN actresses funeral was announced at a
San Francisco church. Many went, looked at the
corpse In the coffn, expressed the greatest sur.
PRISE but said nothing aud sat down. Just as the
services were beginning the undertaken came In
and said they had made mistake, and instead
of the actress had brought q mans corpse which
should have gone TO another church in the same
block. They took away the CONN and brought
back the right remains. when the services went
on.-Aneedotes Of Underakers
"How is your wife this morning?" asked
the pastor of Mr.. Johnson. 'she died last night"
"Ah, that's a grevious .afliction." "Yes, I know
it""But, Brother Johnson, it's Ill wind blowsno
good and 1t is all for the best" ~ think 80 myself
sir, and1 try to bear up under it," That's right
I'm glad to hear you say So" "Yes, yes; I've
Just figured up that the funeral will cost 1876,
! and the amount she had calculated on for spring
clothes was slOl.60. It is true that S275 is not
| much on such an occasion as this, but try to be
calm and not lot my feelings overcome me."-The
| Drummer.
ANOTHER Keely motor scheme has been
hatchedl in England this time. Coal, one Of tho
leading scientific periodicals OF that country, says
that by the use OF bi-sulphide OF carbon, which s
to be vaporlzed and then condensed again, an
| to run an ocean steamer. 1t is further claimed
that single supply OF the bi-sulphide can be
used for an indefinite period its cost thus becom-
ing o mere trihe, while Its expansive powers are
enormous. All Of this is very interesting, and It
may prove important Everybody will watch for
the new motor when 1t comes.
CoL oRaoND, a retired officer of the
English army, has long been noted for pecu.
liarly robust but penetrating profanity, but also
for the rRt-terrier tenacity with which he con-
tended In whist for the odd trick. After playing
his fayorlte game sixty years for about eight
nights in the week, tits not strange that he died.
"Col. ormond is dead" Aaid MT. wetmore, the
morning after the gallant Britons demise. "Ah ?"
said Mr.. Almon. "Yes," said Wetmore, "hell not
be troubled any more about the odd trick. mo-"
said Almon, "but he'll have more trouble about
the last trump"
WHEN Christine Nilsson sang farewell in
New York last week she was recalled again and
again. Finally she sang "Way Down Upon De
swanee Ribber" That settled 1t. Whenever
Christine grows weary OF encores she sings "way
Down Upon De swanee Ribber." They never call
again. To quote; 1--WE do not know whether one
person can sing this song better than another or
not but we do know that the better 1t is sung the
worse 1t is" II 1t were not for this song opera
singers would have to come out with hose and wet
down the audience. All hail 10 Way Down Upon
the Swanee Ribbarp II Is the signal TO 20 out aud