The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1883-08-16
FROM THE PULPIT.
THE MINISTER'S AUDIENCE VIEWED
WITH AN IMPARTIAL EYE.

THE MINISTER'S AUDIENCE VIEWED
WITH AN IMPARTIAL EYE.
AS you preach the word, my dear
young brother, cast your eyes
around upon the congregation and
you will observe these people, as
follows, to wit, namely, viz:
THE SLEEPER.
He will be there. Peradventure
| he leancth his chin upon cane, so
that when the moment of deep and
profound slumber cometh upon him,
his chin slippeth off and with the
bang of his head upon the pew in
front Of him he is awaked. How
belt, the bang upon his wife's head
no man can bear. Or, the slum-
berer may sit bolt upright and nod
in time to his deep and regular
breathing. Only when you cast
your eyes upon him the watchful
! wife of his bosom stabs him with
her elbow, and he glareth upon the
congregation as who should say;
"He that sayeth l slept, the same is
q liar and q william and a horse
thief" Or, if he be SO that he
leaneth his head back until the lid
thereof falleth down between his
| shoulders, and he playeth fantastic
times with his nose, insomuch that
the boys in the gallery make merry
over the same, then it is hazardous
to awaken this slumberer right sud.
denly, because he dreameth Of
divers things and sayeth to the
man who shaketh him up,
sHey? hi! ha! yes, yes, all right
Pm up" And thus is the congre'
CATION much scandalized. But if
he foldeth his handkerchief over
the back of the pew in front and
boweth his head devoutly upon the
same, even in that moment when the
text is pronounced, then will that
sleeper trouble no one, but will
| slumber sweetly on until the time
| of the benediction, and he will ex-
tol the sermon and magnify the
preacher. He is the old-timer from
Sleepy Hollow.
THE LoUNGER.
He falls into the pew and slides
easily into the most comfortable
corner. He shakes himself down
into a comfortable attitude. His
legs extend under the pew in front,
and meet his hips at the crookedest
of obtuse angles He crooks his
plant elbow into the arm of the
| pew, and drops the side of his face
into the fearful hollow of his hand,
by means Of which he pushes his
cheek up into his eye. His shoul.
ders are nearly on a level with his
head. Every time you look at him
you expect to see him slide out of
sight. And although you are q
good man, sometimes you wish he
would, and never come up again.
THE FIDGET.
Whether you look for him or not,
you know where he is. He pushes
the hassock away with long reso-
nant groan of its own. Then he
sits bolt upright, hooks his shoul-
der-blades over the back Of the
pew and hangs on. He is going to
sit still this summer if it kills him.
But the pew is too high, so he set
ties down little. Then he puts a
hymn-book between his back and
| the pew. Then he leans forward
and lets it fall with a crash. Then
he folds his arms; he half turns and
lays one arm along the back of the
pew. Suddenly he slides down and
brades both knees against the back
of the pew in front. All, that's
comfort. It lasts ninety seconds,
when he abruptly straightens up,
eleyates both arms and hooks his
elbows over the back Of his pew.
That isn't what he wants; his legs
are tired; he reaches for the has
sock with both feet, upsets it, and
in a frantic effort to stay it kicks
it against the pew. Covered with
l.
burning embarrassment he pulls
out his watch twice or thrice with
out once looking at it. He folds
his arms across his breast, then ne
crosses them behind his back; he
thrusts his hands into his pockets,
he drops a Bible on the floor and
puts his feet into his hat, and at
I:,o, ,,o,, 1ook IN COO him o0 all tn