Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1883-01-02


but if you will allow me to say it, meta
phor is not your best hold. Spare your
thigh; this kind light only on the box,
and seldom there; in fact, my expert
ence may be trusted. But to return to
business how did you get in here ?
Through second-story window
1t was even so. redeemed the tin
ware at pawnbroker's rates, less cost Of
advertising, bade the burglar goodnight,
closed the window after him and retired
to headquarters to report. Next morn
ing we sent for the burglar-alarm man,
and he came up and explained that the
reason the alarm did not go off was
that no part of the house but the first
floor was attached to the alarm. This
was simply idio.ic; one might as well
have no armor at all in battle as to have
it only on his legs. The expert now put
the whole second story on the alarm,
charged $500 for it, and went his way.
By-and-by, one night, found burglar
in the third story, about to start down
ladder with lot of miscellaneous prop
erty. My first impulse was to crack his
head with billiard cue but my second
was to refrain from this attention, be-
cause he was between me and the cue
rack. The second impulse was plainly
the soundest, so ! refrained, and pro-
ceedcd to compromise, redeemed the
property at former rates, after deducting
o per cent for use Of ladder, it being my
ladder, and next day we sent down for
the expert once more, and had the third
story attached to the alarm, for $500.
BY this time the 'annunciator had
grown to formidable dimensions. 1t had
forty y-seven tags on it, marked with the
names of various rooms and chimneys,
and it occupied the space of an ordinary
wardrobe. The gong was the size of a
wash bowl, and was placed above the
head of our bed. There was wire
from the house TO the coachman's quart
ers in the stable, and noble gong along
side his pillow.
We should have been comfortable now
but for one defect. Every morning at )
the cook opened the kitchen door, in the
way of business, and rip went that gong!
The first time this happened, l thought
the last day was come sure. | didn't
think it in bed-no, but out Of it-for
the first effect of that frightful gong is
20 hurl you across the house and slam
you against the wall, and then curl you
up, and squirm you like spider on
stove lid, till somebody shuts that kitch-
en- door. In solid fact, there is no clam
or that is even remotely comparable to
the dire clamor which that gong makes.
Well, this catastrophe happened every
morning regularly at o'clock, and lost
US three hours sleep; for, mind you,
when that thing wakes you, it doesn't
merely wake you in spots it wakes you
all over, conscience and all, and you are
good for eighteen hours Of wide-awaked-
ness subsequently-eighteen hours of the
very most inconceivable wide.awaked-
ness that you ever experienced in your
life. A stranger died on our hands one
time, and we vacated and left him in
our room overnight. Did that stranger
wait for the general judgement No,
sir, he got up at 5 the next morning in
the most prompt and unostentations way.
knew he would l knew it mighty
well. He collected his life insurance,
and lived happy ever after, for there was
plenty of proof as to the perfect square,
ness of his death.
Well, we were gradually fading away
toward better land, on account of our
daily loss Of sleep; 50 we finally had the
expert up again, and he ran wire to
the outside Of our door, and placed a
switch there, whereby Thomas. the but
Ter, could take off and put on the alarm
but Thomas always made one little mis-
take-he switched the alarm off at night
when he went to bed, and switched it on
again at daybreak in the morning, just
in time for the cook to open the kitchen
door, and enable that gong to slam US
across the house, sometimes breaking a
window with one or the other ofus. Al
the end Of a week we recognized that
this switch business was a delusion and 9
snare. We also discovered that bant
of burglars had been lodging in the house
the whole time-not exactly to steal, TO
there wasn't much left now, but to hide
from the police, for they were hot press
ed, and they shrewdly judged that tn
detectives would never think of trib'
of burglars taking sanctuary in hous
notoriously protected by the most impos-
ing and elaborate burglar alarm in Amer
lea.