The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-05-30
COMIC COMMENTS.

Tint TO lazy man -Endow free bee
In hospital aud occupy it yourself lift
A cold snap is .kcly occur wherever
there is piece of ice that can be broken. -
Ne1o Orleans Pfeagune.
China and Japan buy our dried apples
freely Thus does American Industry help
10 swell the population of tho Orient -Bos-
ton Transcript
New reading of an old adage The old
proverb, "Where there's a will there's II
way, has been revised 10 suit the situation.
1t now reads: When there's bill wore
away Vdeeling journal.
"A precise father: lie did not object to
his daughter joining musical society, but
gently insisted that Authorizations were coarse
Philip Harmonic sounds much more
gently, my dear Providence Press
Accident to n towel: "Confound it,
barber, you've cut mo I" /" Cut you
with sad surprise and affeetionate re-
proach.) Oh, no, sir 1t is only the towel
that is bleeding-thats all, sir !"--Hertfo,G
Times
The time oday A Syracuse young
lady has peculiar mode of reckoning time
on Sunday. Last Sunday evening, abou
six o'clock, when asked what time it was
she replied: Give minutes of Smith,
gyracuse Standard
Quite far enough: Mr. Nor, read
ing Virgil, Three times I strove to cast my
arms about her neck, and" that's as far as
got, Professor" Well, Mr. Nor,
think that was quite far enough D. Wooster
Coltgiaa
-solioitudo for the good wife: Wife
Can't you take me to the Blank restaurant
SOME evening, my dear ?" Husband" No,
darling, it is disroputablen Wife" Then.
lear, why do you bring homo its marked
napkins in your pockets ?n- Cambridge Tri.
5uae.
-Gui bono: Then you think" said
Wittiboi to the insurance examiner, that
am good risk ?" GO Yes, sir" replied the
loctor, "a first-elass one.n Then, what ia
thunder do I want to get insured FOR % said
Wittiboi. Z" Much obliged for your examina
ton. Good day. "Bost9n Transcript
A comic coon; very colored man
who entered complaint against another fol
lssaulting and battering him upon the head,
was told by the Justice: &c don't see any
marks" "Does yo s'pose he hit me wild n
piece of chalk p was the indignant rejoinder
The case proceeded. Boston Herald
Explaining the tracks: Mistress (who
has long suspected her servant of having a
follower aud thinks sho has caught her al
est)-" Mary, your master wishes TO know
the meaning of these large footmarss car
you explain ?" Mary" Oh, yes, mum
my sisters been here and she's got the gou
so bad she has to wear big boots, "-London
Judg
I'm the way of consolation: The jan
TORS wife and one of her distinguished
friends are discussing the death of tho oil,
lady on the second floor and the great grie
of the old lady's daughter. 81 tell you Il il
no trilling thing to lose your mother,n say
the visitor decidedly. No, indeed" say
the janitor's wife, with conviction; "rathe
than lose ones mother it is better never t,
have had onep-breaM Fan.
Tho grease; When he had called the
meeting to .rder Brother Gardner arose and
said: "Genlen, il it wasn't for do wheels
on wagon the wagon wouldn't move.
When dc wheels is on, den what p
"Greasew solemnly exclaimed an old man.
Kerrect !" whispered the president, softly
rubbing his hands together. "We hez do
wagon an do wheels. We will now pass de
hat aroun for de grease. n--Dctr0it Free
Press.
An old acquantances James c., q
genial son of Erin, is fond of shooting. One
day hawk alighted near the house, and his
son took tho gun, crawled within gunshot,
fired and missed. "Why didn't We kill the
howck ?' quoried the father 'Tho guns
no good,n answered tho junior James
Yer liar, Jamesie, it's yew that's no
good Ye can't tell me anything about that
gun. Sure I've known her since she was a
pishtol. FOREST and Stream.
The waning of the honeymoon
Alfred, who came home very late last night
from bachelors dinner and has been
:" catching it" this morning: had most
horrible dream last night Arabella (sarcas-
tically): Did you, indeed? How surpris.
ing Alfred: Did wake up with scream
or anything of that sort? Arabolla No
perhaps you Ind eaten so much you couldn't
What was your nightmare Alfred
dreamed was n bachelor again. Life.
The COURSE Of true love: Bertha and
Gontran adore each other, bat their stern
parents are inexorably opposed to the union
of the Young people. The young people
consequently are in despair There is
only one thing left to US" says Bertha, pale,
but resolute. Aud that is-?" Death y
" Death But, dearest, suicide is crime
under the new code" So know it is, but
have thought of a plan to get round that
First you must kill me-" XIII you, ruy
darling" "And then l will kill you -
F'reRch Fan
Valuable document destroyed 81
hope, scr, you will assist a poor man whose
house and everything that was in it, includ-
ing me family sor, was buried up two
months ago last Thursday, sor." The mer-
chant to whom this appeal was addressed,
while very philanthropic is also very
cautious so he asked g Have you any
papers or certificate to show that you lost
anything By the iire ~ 81 did have-a GER
tifcate, sor, signed before notary public to
that effect, but it was aurned up, sor, in the
house with me family aud the rist of me
effects" The tears ran out of the mer-
chants eyes from laughing as Lo handed
over quarter. - Teras Siifatings.
For good goods and popular prices
oa IN Mankav's