The Rock Island Argus., 1883-02-16

| Chicago editor and could never get
| within ten feet of him.
Speaking OF lady who was forever
telling of her aches and pains. said Fogo
81 always enjoy her conversation. 1t is
a complete course of lectures on physi-
| ology, aud nothing to pay
Every railroad built in this country
! is human piece of work. said Can
ada man. '.WhyP'' asked bystander.
because they give people a letter op-
portunity of getting ont OF the place.
enquirer. ''-'.Yes, II man not jus
tice of the peace can administer an oath
We accidentally stuck IA corner of our
umbrella in a mans 5 eye. the other day,
and he administered several oatl1s to us;
but he wasn't II justice of the peace
He cometh not,'' she said and she
was quite right; he didn't arrive. His
intentions were all right; but they failed
to successfully combat the bulldog that
was screened in the moOn-kissed shrub
berry.
A good-looking girl, whose lover
| asked her in the tenderest tones why il
was that she was so magnetic, explained
| the phenomenon by informing him that
her mother and father were both tele-
graph operators.
II do wish you would come home
earlier" said woman to her hus-
band. 81 am afraid to stay alone. l
always imagine that there's somebody
in the house: but whcn you come !
know there amt"
Poor fellow! he died in poverty
said man of a person lately deceased,
That init anything" exclaimed :,
seedy by siander. Dying in poverty is
no hardship; it's living in poverty that
puts the thumbscrews on a fellow"
s'Your husband is a staid man now, is
he rotp'' asked Il former schooimatc of
her friend who had married mar
acted for his fast habits. Il think so,'
was the reply. ''he stayed out all las
night"
Prince Bismarck keeps diary. The
first entry on Jan. l, reads: Il have re-
solved to drink not more than sixty
glasses of soul-destroying beer day
>suring the present year" p. S.-Save
on Sehuetzenfest days.
81 am trying to break myself OF slang
phrases" said the Centralville girl,
''and have been for some time; bu:
actually, | used the word racket to
day before thought, and I'm so asham-
ed of myself You won't give it away,
will youP''
When Mr.. Snaggs wants peace and
quiet of an evening, while he sits and
thinks, he says to his wife: Now, my
dear, talk to me, and amuse mer' And
the blessed old dame at once loses all
capacity for thinking of anything to
say, and never opens her condemned
head.
A Scotchman, having hired himself
e. L. ..1 IL 4
fore him, that he might help himself.
After some time the master said to him,
''Sandy, you take long time to break
fast" ''In troth, MASTER" said Sandy,
"a cheese O. this size is nae sac soon
eaten as ye may think"
An old bachelor, who wanted to in
gratiate himself with a rich widow, pre-
sented her with a lap-dog, saying: Il
will eat off your hand'' Eat of my
handP" exclaimed the widow Il don't
want my hand eaten off; and you
needn't think of getting it in that way
An Irishman who had been contend
ing that mule was a nobler animal
than a horse, said that mule had once
saved him from drowning. How was
that, Paddypn asked one of the bystaEd-
ers. Faith. he gave me such lick
wild his hind leg that he landed me on
the other side of the canawl instid of
in it."
1t was the last act of a new comedy,
and the house, half empty at the start,
was nearly deserted, only few dead
heads remaining. The curtain went up
and the leading man began with his
line, care we alone?'' The utility man
glanced over the auditorium and an
sweTed, in tragic tones, I'VE arer' For
the first and the last time the audience
laughed.
''.1 think said a vegetarian, once, in
ssthat when man lives
on beef he becomes something like an
Ok; If he eats mutton he begins to look
sheepish; and If he eats pork, NAV he
not grow to be swinishp' That may
be" said his friend; ''but when a man
ives on nothing but vegetables, think
ne is apt to be pretty small potatoes"
A gentleman at a party the other
evening. seeing some wax fall from a
on that part of lady's dress,
Who sat next TO him, not great way
rom her bosom, Immediately took out
lis watch and clapped one of the seals
lpon it. s.Bless me, SIR" said the lady,
what are you doing?p ''Only trying
C make an impression on you, madam
le replied.
Mrs. Peter Schinsky.is one of those
aides who take much better care of
heir animal pets than they do of their
hildren. She has got pet poodle by
he name of Fido. Yesterday, Mrs.
little boy, Bob, asked his
aother: A'Shall give Fido this piece of