The Osceola times., 1883-01-27
HUMOROUS SAYINGS.

Appropriate name for bulldog--Agrip.
pa.
A wife must be ike roast lamb-ten-
der and well-dressed, with mint" sauce
A school teacher is person employed
to give parents five hours of peace and
quiet per day.
In some portions of the West the only
observance of Christmas Is to trim the
trees with horse thieves.
Sign for a hotel-inn digestion. An
apartment to let TO a lady-room il is m.
Hint to bore-g' out. The cry of dis
contented householder-liver complaint.
Most men will chin and dodge and
come back at you on any argument, but
no man will allow another to split hairs
on the question Of Next in barber
shop when it's his turn.
The true reason why so many women
want radical reform in female attire is
not on account of notions of convenience
or health-it is because they are afraid of
mice.
1t is not true that Santa Claus will not
put anything INTO stocking in which
there is a hole. Last Christmas a society
belle found darning needle and a ball
of yarn in hers.
A correspondent tells an anecdote of
an old woman, who, when her pastor
said to her, Heaven has not deserted
you in your age" replied. "No, sir, |
have very good appetite STILL"
When young man in Patagonia wants
a wife he rides out and lassoes one, but
in this country when girl wants hus-
band and her fellow doesn't como TO
time; the lass-sues him--for breach of
promise.
"He cometh not" she said, and she
was Sound on the goose;" he didn't ar
rive. Iisintentions were all right, but they
failed to successfully combat The bulldog
that was screened in the moon-kissed
shrubbery.
The true definition of luck, as defined
by Col. Mooney, is as follows: "lf you 60
home at two o'clock in the morning, after
promising your wife to be in early, and
you find her sound asleep, that's luck ;
but It isn't to be depended upon"
"Samboi me bhoy," exclaimed Pat, a
rollicking lrishman, to jolly darkey,
"tell us what makes your nose so fiat"
Dunno, Mars Pat" answered the dar-
KEY, "but | specs it's to keep me from
pokin' into odder peoples business"
"Does your Helen remind you of
Helen of Troy ?" she asked sweetly, as
the sofa springs fattened under a pres
sure of one hundred and sixty pounds.
"No, not precisely; you remind me more
of Helen of Avoirdupois," was his scaly
reply.
"If you don't like my sermons, pray
what kind do you like ?" said Henry
Ward Beecher to an over-candid parish
oner. "Well," was the reply, 81 like the
kind that drives man into the corner
of his pew and makes him think the
devil is after him."
"Come here, my little fellow" said a
gentleman to youngster of five years,
while sitting in a parlor where large
company was assembled; "do you know
me ?" "Yeth thir." "Who am ?" "You
it'll the man who kithed mamma when
papa was in Albany"
Dinner hai lar cart. You've been to
boarding-school. What does that mean,
Polly" "Aller cart, father? Why that
means small simple dinner. If you
want something heavy and first-rate,
you order what they call dinner wag-
gen.
A lady, passing along the street one
frosty morning, saw little fellow scat
tering salt upon the pavement for the
purpose of melting the ice. "Well, I'm
sure" said the lady that's real benevo-
lence" "Ob, no, ma'am, "he replied, lit
amt bonevolence--it's salt"