The National tribune., 1883-03-15
BECOME, DULL CARE.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying In the View.
papers.


Prohibition item: "Wake me I'D. darling.
tonight and give me a toddy," said an Austin
inebriate TO his wife, as they were about to re-
tire for the night. But now viii | know
when you want one7" "YOu cau't make a
mistake. 1 am always thirsty when am woke
up."-IsrGs SittiHgs.
A burglar-alarm in his soul Lord Reginald
Sansdenier, in answer to confidential remark
OF his host" Twenty thousand pounds worth
of plate on the table, Sir .GOrgius? / wOndeA
you amt afraid of being robbed!" Sir Cor
gius Midas" Robbed, my Lord. Good 'evens!
I'm sure yer lordship5 too honorable heven to
think of such thing !"-L0ndon Pinch.
Mitigating circumstances An Austin Justice
Of the Peace who is constantly trying criminal
cases, was called on to marry couple. After
he had asked the usual question if they de-
sired to be united in the bonds of matrimOny.
and they had replied in the affirmative, the
justice asked them sOlemnly: Having plead
guilty to the charge, if there are in your opin-
ion any mitigating circumstances, now is the
time to state what they are. ."-Ieras SLftingS.
No protest: A stylishly-dressed woman en-.
tered a restaurant. The waiter handed her
bill of fare and said "PIease mark off the
dishes you wish to order" Could woman in
sealskin confess that she could not read
Taking the pencil she made few dashes, aid
her order read Dinner 80 cents" 4" Feb. 20.
celery" The waiter brought her beefsteak
and onions and prune sauce, ard she did not
dare to raise word in protest.-CLevel1nd
Voice.
Put out by water: There was an alarm Of
fire turned in from an Atlanta artists studio
Wednesday morning, but by the time the de-
partment got there the cOnfagratiOn had been
subdued. What was it a-fre?" asked Chief
Ryan. Colonel Bumgardner's portrait"
How did it cstch2" Il had it nearly all
1nished-all except the nose-and when I laid
the proper color on it she blazed up like
political bonfire" "And what put him out ?"
Water! Water viii put the colonel out any
time."-AHantG Major.
Courtship in Georgia: He rushed in the par.
lOr without ringing the dOor-beIl, and discov
cred a light figure sitting on the sofa in tn M
corner. He certainly exclaimed: by Joye
dear Nell, thought / would never find yO
alone again. Your mother has gone visiting
hasn't she?" "Yes," responded the light fig
ure, Nellie goes visiting so much / am often
alone" The young man remarked the next
day that he left his hat on the piano and his
umbrella in the hall, and needed nothing but
thirty acres of open air."-Ogleth0rpe Echo.
Partly true: One sultry Sunday minister
was laundering away at his drowsy congrega-
tiOn, the majority of which would go to sleep
in spite of all his efforts. At last he shouted:
you who has only half shirt on his backI" It
woke them tremendously. The next day a
delegation of ladies visited the parsonage
and presented the preacher with a pack
age containing some very nice shirts, say
ing that 1T was a shame that he should be
reduced to half a shirt to his back" He re-
piled, after accepting the shirts with thanks.
that she was not literally reduced 10 a half
shirt, although he wore only half shirt on his
back; he wore the other half in front of him"
Rome Sentinel
Civil service reform If there is one thing
the Austin darlzey knows more about than an
other, that thing is politics. During the re-
cent municipal election in Austin Uncle Nose
was halted one night as he was returning to
his humble cottage by burly negro, with an
army-sized bludgeOn and a demand for his
money or his life. "Splain de objee' Oh disc
meeting" said the old man. Hit jess means
dat money has got ter be raised" responded
the interviewer, splitting on his hands and tax
ing a firmer hold of his mace, so TO speak. The
old man sighed, and as he rendered three car
tickets, an old pipe, and several other articles
of bric-a-brac, he said: " If had been notified
you was out collecting voluntary contributions
for de legitimate campaign 'spenses, would
hab hunted yer up to pay my 'sessments."-
IsraS SittHgs