National Republican., 1883-07-12

Though dreadful pest you are,
will yet be hopeful If
You'll give up single Whit.
-New York Journal.
New YORK paper doesn't miss it far by
asserting that pie is the great American dessert.
ROTTERDAM girl cats two pounds of cam
dies daily. This is enough to R---n teeth out.
WESTERN editor refers to the old English
commoner as "John Bright, an alleged inventor
of a celebrated disease of the Kidneys"
YES, embrace her if We WILL ye sportive
waves, but you have none the best of mel" cried
Freddie as the sparkling breakers enveloped the
fair lily at the seaside the other day.
THE mob law mania has reached the
women. At Huron, Dakato, number Of women
pulled down and destroyed the shnnty OF man
who was trespassing on the claim Off widow
THE Chicago Inter- Ocean accuses a st. Louis
paper of publishing the announcement that tho
captain OF a base ball club had resigned under
tina caption, "A Startling Rumor." This is awful.
JOSIAH sHERE and Emma Foley were mar
ried at Louisville the other day, and their mar.
riage notice was headed Shere- Foley" The
truth will pop out sometimes even in Kentucky
papers
BIsMARcKER yesterday expressed an
opinion that Jay Gould will not be allowed to en-
ter Germany but 1t is hardly probable that Bis
marck will carry his auimus against the American
hog so fur as that.
THE New Orleans Picdyune has discovered
that until one stirs about ON hot Sunday he can
not know how much people will suffer for the
sake Of enjoying themselves and having good
timein their minds.
A LAUNDERING compositor, in setting up
the toast, Woman-without her, man would be
a Savage" got the punctuation in the wrong
place, which made it read, woman, without her
man, would be q savage"
A MICHIGAN law provides that children in
the public schools shall be instructed us to the
effects Of alcohol upon the human system. Here
is q golden opportunity for some of our young
men out of employment to give object lessons.
THERE was sudden cry of fire at one of
our hotels the other night. There was no fife, but
young lady guest was so frightened that her
hair, which she left in q box OH the dressing case,
in the morning was found to have turned gray.
FERGUS FALLS Telegram: A Fargo boy swal-
loved bullet yesterday, and his mother took him
to Il doctor. The doctor gave the boy powder,
put on his cap, and told his mother to take him
home and be careful not to point him toward any
body.
A YOUNG man wrote to q Cincinnati paper
in regard to faro banks, and received an answer to
the effect thot faro bank is place where weeks
wages can be lost in fve minutes and six months
salary spent in trying to get 1t back The readi-
ness of the reply reveals the fact that the editor
knew what he was talking about.
THE post-mortem examination of an OK in
Poughkeepsie disclosed that the animal had
certificate Of stock for $500 in its stomach An
observing philosopher remarks that if the OK had
not been better cared for than most Of those in
trau rail- 10 fa tn hot
the stock was not very much watered.
A SENSIBLE school teacher in Indiana told
one of her scholars who had fallen in love with
her and had popped the question that she would
like to become mother TO him, but couldnt t
think of becoming his wife. The lad felt SO
ashamed of himself that he tried to commit sui
eide. What he most needed was a sound spank
ing.
WHEN Gen. Buffers son went to college his
father gave him O check book and said "Take it;
you are as free to draw on my account as l am.
Ii at any time you have any doubts. consult your
mother" Few men would say that to u son. After
four years he looked over the account and found
that his son had spent just what was right and
proper for young man in his position.
Ir is semi officially announced that after
retiring Gen. Sherman will proceed to kiss what
few remaining girls he has overlooked in this
country in time to go over and work Europe early
in the spring, after which he will set out upon
bold and dashing osculatory tour around the
world, marking his triumphant march with
crowds of maidens yum cumming over his Ohio
bred, military kiss.
ONCE in q while old Farmer Furrow gets
| off little joke. The other day city man asked
him: "Do you keep boarders?" wal, do and /
| don't" "What do you meanT' "Its Just this
way" said the old man; ~ keep 'em, but they
to- Al
don't git away without payin' their board" "Do
you ever get stuck ?" Sometimes" he sadly re-
piled Then, lowering his voice, he said "But
don't say nothin' to the old woman bout it,"
RUsKIN, in "Fors Clavigera," says every
| girl should beep her lover on probation for seven
years before she marries him. This makes Bur
| dette exclaim; Heaven bless your simple soul
John you don't know what you are talking
about. Keep lover OH probation for seven years
Why, that's four years longer that most women in
America keep their husbands; and u girl who
| probate two lovers per anuum in this land thinks
the markei has broke away down to sixty two"
MAN in New York has Just buried his
sixth wife, her remains being inferred in the
same lot with her five predecessors, who lie side
by side. The Norristown Herald thinks this very
sad, because when the numerous widower goes
out into the cemetery to weep over the grave o
nlh WIG thc NC Will uOb nave
enough tears to go round, and his sorrow will be
materially increased when the distressing fac
stares him In the face that there is only room
enough left in his lot for two more wives.
THERE is certain member of the gambling
fraternity of souix City who is noted for his ode
shape. HIS body is very small and puny, while
his head Is such giant might have. He recently
had long run of bad luck and at lastwas reduced
to absolute poverty In despair he asked former
"pal how he could raise some money. The lat
ter rumlnated for a moment and at last said, "Il
tell you, You so up to the third story of the house
and put your head out OF the window, while II
stand on the sidewalk and bet on your weight"
@. II. DEWEY and Walter Burke had Law
suit at Billings TO determine which Of them wa
the owner of a certain span OF mules. The evi
dence seemed equally strong and conclusive ol
both sides, and the justice of the peace befor
whom the case was being tried was IN pickle
hardly knowing how to decide. He took twenty
four hours to consider the matter and that nigh
Providence, which never deserts the just sent 0
Yellowstone thief along who stole both mules
and thus took a greiyous weight OF the goot
mans mind.
MRS. BELvA LOCKWOOD says that il
easier TO get a divorce in Maine than to get
drink OF whisky. This assertion rlled the edito
of the Fall River Advdnce TO such an extent tina
he dashed OIL the following without stopping I
think that ho was giving himself away "Thi
only shows that Beva knows little less abou