davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Speaking of cremation, Blobbs re-
marked: "Well, / would rather not
be burned after DEATH" "Then," re-
marked friend, "you should mend
your ways at once. Wheeling Jour
nal
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

The American Peace Society, it is
understood, will make strong effort
to have all future wars fought solely
by policemen armed with revolvers,
in order to prevent bloodshed.-Nor-
ristown Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

A young widow to the marble cut
ter: "Tell me, must put on the
tomb of my husband the words 'Eter-
nal regrets or simply Regrets p"
"Ah, madame" replied the marble
cutter with his most charming smile,
"that is for you to decide. Does
madame think of marrying again
soon ?"-Paris Wit.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

"And what age is it you are now,
dear?" asked the colonel just back
from India of the tall daughter of his
friend, Tomkinson Smith. "Well,
that is what | can't quiet make out"
returned the girl, taking care not to
meet her mothers eye, "for when go
anywhere with papa, | am sixteen,
but when | go out with mamma | am
never more than twelve next birth
day." The colonel hastened to change
the subject. ct.-London Figaro.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

,"What is the mission of the coun-
try editor ?" writes New York cor
respondent. We don't know, unless
it is to write original items for the city
editors to clip and ropublish without
credit.-Oil City Blizzard.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

big burly John Brown. The latter,
on being asked his business, replied
with the air of a man who was telling
the truth: "I'm an Em-bosser. -
Pittsburgh Telegraph.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

A keg of beer fell on Chicago
man the other day and mashed him
all to pieces. This should be a terri
bic warning to those persons who per-
sist in keeping their mouths closed
when such things are dropping.-Oil
City Blizzard.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Some of the stockholders of Miss
Fields Cooperative Dress Association
are seeking redress. They think there
is too much waist about the concern,
blY.=Norristown Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

"Why did l lick her, judge" said
the saloon keeper, who was arrested
for beating his wife, "why, / had paid
for my license, and supposed l had a
perfect right to liquor. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

"Tm going to a masquerade ball
this evening, and I want an appro-
pirate DRESS" he said to the customer
"What is your business ?" "Oh, I'm
a milkman." "Ah! Then you'd
better put on pair of pumps and go
disguised as a waterfall. New York
Commercial Advertiser.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Mrs. Ray, the first woman that
went to Leadville, dug in the mines,
secured the plains as scout, took in
washing, and now has fortune of
100000. Her husband undoubted-
ly regards her as a "bright ray
Boston Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Queer about child's memory. 1t
will forget lesson in no time, and
sure to repeat at some inopportune
time something that ought to remain
a dead secret.-Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

"What have you got that's good p
asked u hungry traveller at Salt Lake
City. "Oh," said the waiter, "wo've
roast beef, roast mutton, roast pork,
and boiled curlews." whats a cur
lew?" said the traveller. "Why, a
bird-something like snipe." "Did
it have wingS?" "Yes." "Could it
fly ?" "Yes." "rhen | don't want
any curlew. Anything that had
wings and could fly and didn't leave
this country, | don't want for dinner"
-EX.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

A question for lawyers: If a flea
bites dog, and so enrages the animal
that the dog bites man, can the flea
be indicted as an accessory before the
fact Boston Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

81 understand that you said that
my mother used to wash for you,"
said an enraged Arkansaw gentleman
approaching an acquaintance and
drawing a pistol. "I didn't say it,
sir" "That'll sorter do. ! know she
did wash for you, but blamed if you
shall acknowledge it."-Arkansaw
Traveller.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

An Illinois court has decided that
a woman's lie about her age doesn't
vitiate her insurance policy. The
Judge thought that if they expected
woman to tell the truth on that
point they deserved to be swindled.-
Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

In one shoe factory in Lynn are
thirty women, all of them divorced
wives. And yet every one of them
would consider herself insulted should
anyone insinuate that she is not true to
the last.-Boston Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

We are willing to take a certain
amount Of stock in newspaper ac-
counts of Western cyclones, but when
an Arkansas paper tells about a
zephyr carrying bed quilt 81 miles
and then going back for the sheet, we
amt there.-Portage Lake Mining
Gazette.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

"What impudence !" exclaimed
Mrs. Shoddy. "Here is man APP
plying by letter for situation as
coachman, who signs himself Your
obedient servant and / have not even
thought of hiring him yet.'-Phila-
delphia News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

pocket-book, saying & L"Now,.. my
dear, whenever you take out this
pocket-book think of me-" "You bet
l will !" he replied, with IA vociferous
heartiness that surprised her.-Aus-
tin Texas Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

When he returned to his seat and
said he had just stepped out to see
some one, she gravely responded ::
at must have been the evil one"
and when the young man asked "if
she saw the cloven foot" she turned
up her nose, and said: "No; but |
smell the Glove in eath."-Commer-
cial Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

An old bachelor says: at is all
nonsense to pretend that love is blind.
| never knew q man in love that did
not see ten times as much in his sweet
heart as could. d."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

On Christmas day they had an
"Eisteddfod" in Chickering Hall,
New York, at which one man read
an "Englynion" and another recited
an "Awdl," and another the "Cwydd
y Farm Fawr," and then the whole
crowd stood up and sang "Hen wlad
fly nhadhau." And then the roof of
the hall fell in.--Chicago Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Why bugle trimmings are so call
ed: "Why are those things on
your dress called bugle trimmings ?"
George wanted to know. "Oh," re-
piled Emily, lightly, because pa
blows SO over the bill."-Burlington
Hawkeye.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Prof George Bristow aims to be
the most honest of critics, and on be-
ing asked by the father of an animat-
ed foghorn how he liked his daughters
voice, he replied: "She sings like a
Patti under his breath -gonian."
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24
Advertising Rates.

business Cards, one year, one dollar for every line.
local Notices ten cents per line for each insertion,
and all notices continued for three months longer
discount Of 25 per cent.
Advertisements unaceompanied by verbal or written
directions will be published three months
Advertisements, under contract, ordered out To-
lore expiration Of time, will be charged full rates.
No paper discontinued until all srrearages Paid,
except at the option Of the publisher.
Transient advertisements must be paid in advance,
ssI-Terms CASH, payable quarterly.
Only Metal Cuts Inserted.
Prices and Terms alike to all.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

The carrion crow of rivalry is fly
ing above the head of every man
ready to pick his bones when he falls
beside the highway of success
Whitehall Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Kate Field did not succeed as the
boss of a dry goods store. Woman
shines best as boss when workmen
come to make repairs on her house.
Courier-Journal.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24
. said q father.

"Jane," said father, 81 thought
you hated stingy people, and yet your
young man" "Why, pa, who said
he was stingy?" "Oh, nobody" re-
piled pa, "only l could see he was a
little close as l passed through the
room. ."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Mrs, Yerger is one Of the most ex-
travagant women in Austin. On the
recent occasion of her husbands birth
day she presented him with an elegant
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

A fashion writer says the "leg-of
mutton sleeves have not proved sue
cessful." An opinion got started that
they looked sheep.-Boston Trans
cript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24
AdamSOn S Cough BaISam

is for sale by all respectable Druggists and Country
Dealers: Prices, lOcp 500 and 75c. Large bottles
cheapest. 5s5y1
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24
I;minent phvsIcionA.

From George w. Martin, NJ. d., Graduate Of Uni.
versity OF New York, Ayletts Surgical and Medi-
cal Institute, Bellevue Hospital, and New York
Ophtalmc Hospital, late surgeon in the Army,
etc. and 1. ii. Stearns, NJ. D. formerly Surgeon
a National Military Asylum, Togus, Me-:
Having examined the formula from which Adam
sons Botanic Cough Balsam is prepared, we recon-
mend IL as safe and reliable medicine for the cure
Of coughs, colds, whooping cough, asthma, etc.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

They were talking about midnight
assaults, when doctor spoke up and
said he was never handled roughly
but once; and then he was nearly
killed. However, he was lucky
enough to discover his assailaints.
"Who were they p exclaimed every
body. Starving undertakers; starv.
ing undertakers brought down from
affluence to penury after | came to
reside in the town." said the Doctor
-EX.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

There is an establishment uptown
that dispenses old clothing to poets at
reduced rates. The sign over the
front door is "Bardwear." Puck.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

A bachelor and spinster who had
been schoolmatesin youth, and were
about the same age, met in after years,
and the lady CHANGING to remark that
"men live great deal faster than
women" the bachelor retorted "Yes,
Maria, the last time we met we were
each twenty-years old, now I'm over
forty, and | hear you haven't reached
thirty yet" They never met again.
-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24
Detroit & Bav City Railroad
GOING SOUTH.
GOING NORTH.

Day and Evening Express daily, Sundays except
ell Night Express daily, Saturdays excepted.
Ii. Il. LEDYARD, HENRY c. WENTWORTH,
Gen'l Manager Gen'l Pass, g. Ticket Agt
Detroit. Mich. Chicago, Ill.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Poor little Emma Smith welded
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

The busybody who knows himself
as well as he does his neighbors, will
understand why he is Stunned by his
Whitehall Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

1t is stated that the weight of the
average mans brain is 30 ounces, while
that of the average woman is about 40
ounces. Yet many a woman with ten
ounces less brains than man, will
completely upset him, and prove to
an impartial world that she knows
more than he does when she's asleep.
1t is lovely sight to see forty-oz
woman get caramels out of a sixty
Oh. man, and make him believe she
adores him, while she is negotiating
with another man to be taken to the
opera.-Puck.
A good story, says the Traveller, is
told Of the little six-year-old son of a
State house official. The other day
his mother told him to perform a GER
tain act, and the little fellow soon re-
turned and said that he had done it.
The mother investigated the matter
and found that he had told fib, and
then gave him talking to, explaining
the wickedness of lying, and pointing
out the terrible examples Of sinners
in biblical history. Imagine her feel
ing when the boy sagely observed.
"Well, mother, you mustn't believe
everything you read."-Ex.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24
WIT ANDHUMOR.

Dirty days have September
April June and November
From January up to May,
II raineth or snoweth every day,
All the rest have thirty-one,
Without blessed CLEAN of sun,
And if any of them had two-and-thirty
They'd be just as wet and twice as dirty.
Exchange.
And then the poet passed in his
mortal checks.
Wholly uncalled fora dead letter.
Lowell Citizen.
The man who never made a failure
never enjoyed success.-Waterloo
Observer.
The man who makes a fortune
must be full of centiment.-White-
hall Times.
No, Paul, the window of the soul
is not pane in the stomach.-Mara-
thon Independent.
Almanacs should be printed on
"calendered' paper.-New York Com
mercial Advertiser.
Where do all the pins go? They
go down if you happen to make a
ten strike.-The Judge.
Patent medicines are now made
that will cure everything except hams.
Philadelphia Chronicle.
Raising food from the plate to the
mouth is the best health lift.-New
York Commercial Advertiser.
Light kids are fashionable" as
the father Of two pound twins re-
marked.-Marathon Independent.
People who lose their money in
bucket shops would rejoice at chance
to kick the bucket.-Lowell Courier.
Every man has his follics and Of
tentimes they are the most interest
ing things he has got.-Josh Billings.
The toothless man ought to be a
sweet talker, for all his words must
of necessity be gum drops.-Atlanta
Constitution.
We hope we shall not be accused
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

We hope we shall not be accused
of exaggeration when we say we have
received 1883 calendars.--Boston Com
mercial Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

The toothless man ought to be a
sweet talker, for all his words must
of necessity be gum drops.-Atlanta
Constitution.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Light kids are fashionable" as
the father Of two pound twins re-
marked.-Marathon Independent.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

The man who never made a failure
never enjoyed a success.-Waterloo
Observer.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

The man who makes a fortune
must be full of centiment.-White-
hall Times.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Raising food from the plate to the
mouth is the best health lift.-New
York Commercial Advertiser.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

ALPENA, MICH, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY "a 1883.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

People who lose their money in
bucket shops would rejoice at chance
to kick the bucket.-Lowell Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Where do all the pins go? They
60 down if you happen to make a
ten strike.-The Judge.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Almanacs should be printed on
"calendered' paper.-New York Com
mercial Advertiser.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

No, Paul, the window of the soul
is not a pane in the stomach.-Mara-
thon Independent.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Drawing room cars morning and evening trains
between Bay City and Detroit, extra charges only
IS cents.
Night express east runs Sunday night instead Of
Saturday. All other trains daily except Sunday.
SANFORD KELLER, Sup't
w. II. JOHNSON,
Ticket Agent, Alpena, Mich.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Every man has his follics and Of
tentimes they are the most interest
ing things he has got.-Josh Billings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Wholly uncalled fora dead letter.
Lowell Citizen.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1883-01-24

Patent medicines are now made
that will cure everything except hams.
Philadelphia Chronicle.
Daily globe., 1883-07-01
MINNEAPOLIS PERSONALS.

Miss Mangan of Kilkenny is visiting
with Mrs. W. F. Mccarthy.
Miss Minnie Snyder, now visiting at
Glencoe, returns tomorrow.
Miss Katie Chamberlain is home on a
vacation from st. Mary's school.
Bishop Grace was in the city last week
and spent day with Father McGolrick.
Miss Emma Allen of st. Paul is a guest
of her friend, Miss Sarah Comstock, of this
city.
George Harvey, Chicago portrait
painter, is in the city with the intention of
locating here.
S. S. Merrill, president of the Chicago,
Milwaukee & st. Paul road, was at the
Nicollet yesterday.
There will be dress party tomorrow at
A. G. Rand's. Danz' orchestra will dis
dispense the music.
S. S. Skinner, of New York, is visiting
Mr.. Skinner, of the firm of Skinner & Sly.
paint manufacturers.
Daily globe., 1883-07-01

ing, including Rock Island, Illinois Cen
trala nd Missouri Pacific. Inquiry among
other commission houses shows a growing
demand for good class of stocks. The
impression seems to be that stocks are a
little better buy than bonds at the moment
Points were given to buy Lake Shore for
turn. They came from sources usually
good, and it was evident before noon there
was disposition to give the stocks higher
quotations. All the Vanderbilt stocks
were closely watched, and were bought by
supposed Morgan brokers at intervals.
There has been SOME buying again to-day
on rumors current for several days of an
impending rise on the Gould stocks. It
is safe to say that these stocks are very
closely watched as Mr.. Gould's
part of the alleged programme is to ad-
vance his specialties. Points were given
this afternoon to buy Jersey Central for
several points rise. 1t is stated that the
holdings of stock have been very exactly
located, and that the manipulators feel
sure of being able to effect a considerable
advance without bringing out much long
stock. It is reported that the floating
stock amounts to only about Sc, 900 shares.
1t was stated this afternoon that Lake
Shore will have an advance of four or five
points within ten days. The rumor that
Mr.. Vanderbilt has secured control of Erie
& Western Is credited in some Vanderbilt
circles. Il is very sure that Erie 4 Western
is at this moment disturbing element in
the pool, AM its secure alliance with
the Vanderbilt system would be a
bull point for the market. 4
prominent broker said u think
it will he waiting market until
well into July. The season is later
than it was last year. and there is more
uncertainty in regard to crops. 1t is not
safe this year tn discount the wheat crop.
We want to see just how 1t is gong to turn
out before going into July deal, A little
improvement in the com mercial situation
would be great help. If it cones that
would probably thrn the scale in favor OF
good advance. A great deal depends on
Mr.. Gould. There is a good bull clique
on the street. It has captured some of
the former bears, and has fastened them
so that they are Likely to stay. Mr. Gould
has been asked to help. If he comes in
and stays the combinati Oh will be the
strongest that has been in the street for
long time. 1t is best, however, to 60 slow
for few weeks yet"
Daily globe., 1883-07-01
THE VAUDEVILLE TEMPLE.

Capt. Brotcn Has Engaged Brilliant 1T
fractions for the Week of Americd;s Ma
tt0ndt AhnirersGry.
Capt. Brown, manager of the Comique
theatre, although the weather is excessive
~ warm, is not idle. He is intensely patri-
otlc' and consequently during the last few
days has engaged for the Fourth
of July week an array of talent of the va
rlety and ''phunnY' order. which will un-
doubtedly be fully appreciated. His house
on First avenue south is nicely ventilated
and a cool place whereat ltol spend an
evening. This week he begins his an
nouncement with Miss Lottie Oven
crort, the accomplished operatic
vocalist, who makes her first
appearance in the city to- morrow
night. James Green will also make his
first appearance in the city. He is taking
black and white face comedian, and aided
by the portly Dot Seville is certain of
making hit.
Tommy Jefferson will sing in black face
comedy, and Millie Blanche will astonish
the lovers of fancy dances.
The principal favorites of the past week
have been re-engaged.
Daily globe., 1883-07-01

ernment positions, as to his skill in curing
chronic and nervous diseases of long stand.
ing. The doctor will assuredly meet with
success here.
The following document, which explains
itself, was placed on record yesterday in
the Office of the clerk of court: I, NJ. L..
Ellis, mother of Martha E. Topliff. (her
father being dead and said Martha E. Top
lift being sixteen years of age, hereby give
my consent to the marriage of Martha E.
Toplif to ]. E. Ahlgrem, of Minnea polls,
and L hereby authorize the clerk of the
district court of Hennepin county, Minn ,
to give license therefor
MRS. M. l.. ELLIS
Subscribed and sworn to before me the
Goth day Of June, A. D. 1888.
d. M. SCR1BNER,
Deputy Clerk.
A GLOBE representative called upon Mr..
Boyd, of the Minneapolis & st. Louis
railroad, yesterday, and was informed by
that gentleman that the Hanlan regatta OIL
Lake Minnetonka is now forgone con-
clusion. The date has been fixed for
August ,, 3 and 4, Thursday, Friday
and Saturday. Hanlan aud his crew will
row on Thursday and Friday, receiving
for their efforts the snug sum of $4,000,
and on Saturday a purse will be awarded
to amateur oarsmen, to be competed for
by our local athletes. There is considera-
ble interest manifested in the meeting by
our sporting men, and everything bids
fair to make the event the leading sport
ing occasion which has ever occurred in
Minnesota.
Daily globe., 1883-07-01
NEW IORK.
Especial Telegram to the Globe. !


NEW YORK, June 3O.-Stocks were gen
orally lower at the close of the session to-
day. Milwaukee Il St. Paul and North
western were practically unchanged, the
entire factuation being only about IS in
each. Manitoba eased off 4. Omaha Il,
and Northern Pacific X Western Union
lost 2lit and Denver & Rio Grande the
same. The market during the morning
was exquisitely dull and encouragingly
firm. At times strength put its head
above water, but these evidences were only
temporary. A better feeling prevailed,
and, though the street was stupidity dull in
point of rumors and news, yet the mere
absence of anything startling, good or
bad, was accepted as a good omen. Had
ii not been for the marked tirmness in the
Vanderbilt shares the market would have
possessed no attraction. Up to 80 o'clock
mean quotations did not average quarter
of l per cent. Sales were small, and the
phrase nothing new was heard on all
sides There has been considerable buy
ing for investment. A prominent Wall
street house bought to take out of the
street $5O0,000 worth of stocks this morn