The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-09-26
COMIC COMMENTS.

ought to run better than any other piece Oh
;he stage. 1t has more legs. -Neio Orleans
Pieay7lne.
A Western news item: Toothache and
Womanshoes are the names of two Piegan
Indian chiefs, who, with their following,
are encamped ut Benton, M. T.
Death preferred all the time: az marry
that fellow!" exclaimed Miss Mitinice,
mo! would rather die than have him
hat is, if could get somebody elss."--
Boston Transcript
Mr.. Mackay in Europe: Mr.. Macllay
was asked if he travelled te Moscow incog.
"0h, bless you, no." said he, :" We went in
q sleeper" Thus do we see the improving
OBJECT of foreign travel.
Statistical; Statistics show that 10000
people are killed by whisky where one per
son is killed by mad dog. And yet most
eserybody would rather tackle glass Of
| whisky than mad dog. Rochester POST
! Eep,sss
A grain OF wisdom \ No,n said the
commonplace man, !" care less about the
achievements Of my ancestors than the
| prosperity of my descendants. II can
help that along I'm ready to do it ~ Boston
Transcript.
Showing off Two women were recently
seen pricing gingham in shop. One re-
marked to the other on the label to the
goods See the American eagle and the
motto q pluribus unum- that's the French
for in time of peace prepare for war; -
Bottom Transcript.
Losing his head: Henderson has been
taking q fiier or two in the stock market
lately. He is naturally quite elated and his
friends fear that he will lose his head.
Fogg, however, maliciously suggests that
losing his head would be the best thing that
ever happened to Henderson. boston Tran
script.
One mans reason: "Show me sensible
man who is opposed to capital punishment I"
exclaimed lawyer while in conversation
during recess of court. :" / am" replied
| q gentleman sitting near. ssAnd why SO,
sir give your reasons" Because am
sentenced to be hung next month. '-Askaa.
$40 1raoeler.
| A sufficient reason: "Dumley," said o
friend, admiringly, 81 believe you are 0
man to die with your boots on" Yesr
replied Dumley, Strengthening himself and
trying hard not appear too dare-devilish,
and why do you think SOP" because
you so rarely take them off when you go to
bed. Rochester Post Express.
Eiisha's departure !: Teacher" What
do we learn by the translation of the pro-
phet Elisha?" Dull boy" That he saved
his funeral expenses" Teacher (severely)--
james " Dull boy" That's wot my pa
Ays; he's al undertaken, he is, and guess
knows. Pa lows he wouldn't like to have
folks go off that way nowadays" -Boston
Transcript.
BE held the pass Who held the pass
Of Thermopylm against the Persian host ?"
demanded the teacher. And the editors
| boy AZ tho foot of the class spoke up and
| snid a. Fstlsor, ssolso.., H.. Lsl-i-l 80.
annual ON every road in the country that
runs passenger train" He went up head
after the rest of the class went home
San Francisco AiyoD1ut.
An incident of the strike: An uptown
gentleman, whose wife wished him to send
up corn doctor to the house, made the
engagement and telegraphed her to thia
effect" " Chiropodist will be up at two
o'clock" The lady was greatly surprised,
but somewhat consoled, when she received
the following message "Cheer up, dear
est. VIII be up at two o'clock. "--Neso York
Commercial AdOertiser.
In the way of recompense Those Phil
adelphia Juveniles who are sad and disheart-
ened because of the prohibition of the fire.
works features of Independence Day no
doubt think civilization Is a failure but the
announcement that the revision of the Old
Testament will be completed this year viii
60 fnr toward toning down their disappoint-
ment and making them think life is worth
living. Norristoson Herald.
Electrical; "Do you fear lightning,
Miss Fitzjoy ?" inquired De Maurice, tender
ly, as he saw the gathering storm In the
west. "Y-e-e-s, am somewhat frightened.
But the lightning never seems to strike me,
although most of the girls Of my very set
are engaged" With hint like that what
could De Maurice do but turn on the electric
current Of proposal? The wedding
thunder Is being rehearsed by the Bavarian
Band. --Hartord Post.
Not at all surprised: "Has yer heered
what happened last week to Gabe Snod.
| zrass?" ~ hain't heered muffin about him
sence he luff Austin, last week." " Two
Trains run togedder and Gabes head was cut
clean off," He's dead, / s'pose ?" "Of
course he's dead and he has been dead ever
sence." ''well, amt s'prised at hit. De
las time I seed him he was lookin' mighty
poorly an was complainin' of misery in
his chist, and he had mighty spishous
lookin' gum-boil ON hissneck. - 4sras SIT.
hggs.
A four-handed game: A couple of Austin
society bellies were conversing about one
thing and another, when one of them said I:
"Oh, l forgot to tell You that Colonel Sim,
perly offered me his hand.' q You don't
say so Why, the fellow must be o mon
key" "what do you mean by calling him
monkey or baboon or anapel" We'll,
have heard of his offering his hand 70
three other ladies' besides yourself, SO he
must have four hands. believe he is try
ing to play four-handed game. 1eras
Strings.
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