New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1883-01-03
WIT AND HUNoR.
The girl who IS caught by a masher
loves not wisely but too swell.

loves not wisely but too swell
Dogs are more hardy than men. They
can go without their pants in Winter.
In spite Of protests the waltz still
holds its own. Love rules the whirled.
The first big fish story-That of
Jonah. p IL
Bugle trimmings are recommended
for a windy day.
How are your asked New Yorker.
''Benc!'' replied the Bostonian.
The first 'wail of despair must have
been when Jonah was swallowed.
Tho man who travels under an alias
may boast that he has made a namefor
himself.
Nothing can now prevent the Indians
from breaking out They have learned
how to make buckwheat cakes.
A bonnet this season, in order to be
of any account, must have five contrast
ing colors to correspond with the chang
ing colors on the face Of the man who
foots the bill.
She went into q shop to buy some tot
let soap. and while the shopman was
expatiating on its merits about made
up her mind to purchase, but when he
said it would keep off chaps she said
she didn't want that kind. ~
The colored preacher who was shot
at Chattanooga, the other night, while
stealing potatoes, had been trying to
live on a salary of two dollars per week
A preacher can't stand an empty
stomach any better than other folks.
First young MAXWELL, did you
make the acquaintance of that strange
girl you were raving over?' Second
ditto-'Yes, followed her home" First
young man-"How did she strike youp'
Second ditto ''She didn't at all; she
got her big brother to do it."
A well-proportioned woman should
have body six times as long as her
feet. This, according to Detroit ac-
chitect who claims to know, was tho
old Grecian rule, and, as no man can
out with tape-line and measure away,
the women are safe.
A Philadelphia man who lost his left
thumb and forefinger in 81 planning mill
has had very good substitutes for them
made of rubber. There is fortune in
his misfortune. All nc need do to get
ricl. is to hire himself out to tack down
carpets. s=-5 -.r ~
Have you ever before been punished
by the lawp" asked IN Austin Justice of
q colored culprit, Eyes, l called man
liar, and I had to pay q fine" '.ls
that the only time you have come in
conflict with the law?'' 'Now dat yer
speaks oh hit, jedge, blecves was in
lie penitentiary for ten yeahs, if l disre-
member myself.
1t was election time, and little Glynn
heard much talk about men who were
running for office. One day, his moth
cr noticing him run from one place to
another, asked. "What are you playing
now, Glynn?'' He replied, "Oh, l am
not playing at all, l am running for Of
iice' 'G|s n
''Howdy, Sam, how is you?" ''Mid-
lin, midlin, Jerry, how is it with you?"
.'Similarity; thank you Sam" ''Simi-
larity! dat is a new word broke out in
our neighborhood dis morning, and it is
ketching; everybody got it. Take dat
word similarity home and have her
stuffed'
"Protoplasnl," remarked the profess
sor, sis composed of carbonic acid, wa
ter and ammonia, in which compound
the water largely predominates. To
what conclusion does this ,lead?'' The
pupil was Il boy, and not easily stag
gered. He answered: st leads to the
conclusion that dad never takes any
protopasm in his NJ
A good and sufficient reason is what
every man ought to have for his con-
duct. If we cannot have quite that,
then let us have the next thing to it,
namely, q reason which is perfectly sat-
isfactory to ourselves. For instance,
CLOSE up, boys: close up"' said a coll
mel to his regiment. IF the enemy
were to fire on you when YOU are stray
Cling along that way. they wouldn't
kill single man of YOU. Close up!'
A little Alabama girl, three years old,
on going to the window early one very
foggy morning, cried out, ooh, como
here and look, mamma! The sky is all
crammed down to the ground' Again
when watching the cook skin some
squirrels, her mother called to know
what she was doing, she replied, Il am
seeing cook peel these cats!''
II hope you will excuse my stupidity.
DOCTOR" said q woman to an Arkansas
physician whose professional skill had
been visited on the husband, and who
had called again to investigate the con-
dition of the patient, ''but I really
didn't think-'' "Your husband is
much better this morning, madam
II say doctor,' continued the confused
woman, "that don't know how to ex-
cuse my stupidity. l gave him the
wrong medicine
A. little girl came very near to her
mother one morning, saying, (which
is the worst, mamma, to tell q lie or
stealP" The mother, taken by surprise,
replied that both were so bad she
couldn't tell which was the worse.
Well" said the little ono, .srve been
thinking good deal aboutit and I've
concluded it's worse to lie than to steal.
II you steal thing you can take it back
less you've eaten it, and if you've eaten
it you can pay for it. But and there
was look Of awe in the little face-sa
lie is forever" ~r.,f ESQ 81.
Sir Andrew Agnew having for some
time been pestered by an impairment
intruder, it was one day remarked to
the baronet that this man no longer an
peared in his company. and he was ask
ed how he contrived to get rid of him.
tt1n TRUTH" said the baronet, II was
obliged to give the chiel broad hint"
"A broad hint?' replied the friend II
thought ne was one of those who could
not take hint" by my faith! but
he was forced to take it, answered Sir
Andrew; 'for as the fellow would not
go out by the door, I threw him out of
the window .f 4
1t is related that the president of q
bank IN the Gunnison country had oc-
casion to visit Denver and on his re-
turn met the porter of the bank at tho |