Memphis daily appeal. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1847-1886, 1883-04-08
INFANTRY DILL
By Patient, PISddinG Fathers, sho
Know Just What DO TO
Makethe
TrundIe.Bea Trash sleep sound and BE.
have Themselves GeneraIly-A
Lesson from Life.
For the Sunday Appeal

For the Sunday Appeal
"a conj1Bclion Of EXTREMIST "a forced
juItaposItion OF oppositesw "a verbal
coupling Of strength and feeblenes.I" "The
sublime and the ridiculous yoked by a con.
Junction. Don't all speak at once, gentle
men. 1t might mortify your vanity and
Lessen your pride of place to discover, by the
painful but instructive process of actual ex-
perience, that your boasted strength and the
bsby's ack nowledged weakness become Curl
ously trsnsposed under circumstances which
alter cases SO materially as to leave the babe
sublime ia its victory, and the man ridicu-
Ious in his defeat. TIE battle is not always
to the strong, messieurs.
81 am going 10 change my children's
nsmes TO 'Cherubim' and 'Ssrsphim, be-
cause they continually do cry,'" heard
The bright young mother of two recent but
turbulent imporiaiions from the celestial re-
gious eIclaim the other day, with an air Of
fixed resolution. "They are euoug b 10 wear
a woman threadbare"
"My dear, you are but fulfilling your des-
tiny" quota he stronger hslf OF the firm,
while a mild expression Of reproach illu-
mined bis unruffisd counteaance at such
lapse from virtue as q mother repining al
the ceaseiess fermentation OF her own Of
thst the CRYING of an infant ought to be like
the music of the spheres in the properly con-
structed ears of any properly constituted
mother, aud be proceeded to fulfill his desti-
ny by lighting a soothing cigar and putting
himself promptly just as far as possible from
the cherubim und seraphim and the noble
army of martyrs that constituted his domestic
circle.
Such assumptions of superiority always
set me to wishing that this world of ours
might some day become the arena of sort
of Utopisn nursery wherein ali things
should be made equal by dual participa-
ton of both parents in the m anifold respon-
sibilities, cares, auIieties and duties neces-
sary for the safe passage of that most help
less OF all animsls-mau-from the cradle
TO his first trousers-let's say by way Of FIX
ing a period. Then we would hear some
revolutionary ideas on the subj act OF destiny.
Then we would see where the serenity comes
in and where tie rover TO suffer and be
strong goes out!
II were an autocrst with plenipotentiary
powers | would decree that whenever a mas,
woman or child recklessly remarked, "If |
were in your place 1 would do this, that or
t'other," he, she, or it should by the Majestic
arm OF the Law be put into that place, and
made to suit their actions to their words, or
N ade, iguratively speaking, TO eat the vain
glorious assertions which, in large majority
of csses, would require no greater digestive
exertion than the consumption of so much
froth.
10 iiiusiraie; The man who should look
disapprosingly into The wan fao= of the mother
wrestling unsided with the problem of baby
government, and say with msgisterial Sc
verify, any dear, if I were in your place I
should not permit myself 10 be made such 8
slave of TO that child. He is quite old
enough now to begin disciplining him.
Fixed hours for nourishment, and a little
determination on your part are all IN at is
necessary TO reduce order out of chaos"
Prestoi changel He il her place, aud finds
himself, when the clock strikes nine, alone
in room with \ haded lamp on the hearth,
which seems meant mote as silent appeal
to the olfacteries than TO any other Sense, a
sleeping cherub in a crib; s clock solemnly
counting the moments from the hsnk Of
time into the exchequer of eternity, and mys-
teriously stoppered bottle, which, uuder his
dispeusation, should be labeled, "Let the pa
tent be shaken before this is taken" All is
serenel Nothing could be simplerl There's
the milk-bottle, and there's the baby and
there's the clock. Three hours between
drinks is the rule mentally laid down by
this rash reformer of the nursery for the
governance of that unconscious rebel in the
crib. Twelve o'clock is the hour immutsbly
fixed tor refreshments, and with the resolu-
zion of all the Medes and Persist,s condensed
into one grim determination to show his
wife how easy the whole performance lie, he
"turns in" 10 sleep the intermediate hours
away.
Ten O(lnsk, p h-Symptnms of activity
in the enemy's camp. A pink fist strikes out
energetiCslly, but rather aipilessly; at space,
followed promptly by one pink foot, which
is quickly reinforced by its fellow. A soft,
low, murmured prelude, known in nursery
parlance as "fret," breaks upon the hush
Of night. A second pink fist clutches wildly
in the Direction where the peace-offering is
habitually and promptly offered at this
juncture by the mother, grown wise by ex.
perieuee. Indignation, surprise, dismsy and
disgust are all distinctly and alphabetically
expressed in a crescendo and accelerando
passage skilliully executed by the discom-
flied infantry. The concentration of Modes
and Persi3 ans under the paternal nightcap
affects total igEofauts of the fact til at night
is being made hideous ana sleep an impossi-
bility. "a little determination is all that is
necessary TO reduce order out Of chaos" he
reminds himself heroically; but btfore thir-
~ more min j les hsye rolled ever his doomed
head he fscogniza q the fact that determina-
ton is not peculiarly aud solely cbarseter-
ielic of the adrit iaale of his spscies. Find
ing mastery activity does not prove trimp-
card on this occasion without a
precedent lin his experience), be has
recourse TO terrorzing. O1e sonorous,
terrific, baby blood curdling "Husr, sirI'
mirqles with the frsv, aud as it produces the
temporary quietude of abj-'. fear, the sem.
blance OF peace is restored, and the Modes
and PeIsians turns over On his triumphant
side with gtoW ng CONF 'ctiot that that is
the deucedest baby and Strongest smelling
lamp snd the slowest moving clock that a
man evsI groaued under; also, he begins TO
entertsin higher opinion Of his Wife's ad.
ministratiye sbilitiesl
Eleven O'Clock PM-The slumber pro-
duced BY terror and notify safety, has long
since been broken into flinders, aud the
shrek of the American esgle is az the cooling
OF dove alongside the temptuous wall of
that baby, who is being disciplined at fear
ful moral expense to its reforming father
An unprejudiced moralist would find it diff
cult to decide which party was most in need
of reform, IS walls and shrieks and grosns
and-well, "expletives," smite the air in one
cor'us d MACS. The question Of capitula-
ton now begins to assume dignifed
proportions. not on the part Of tbs in
fanIryl But did Mede and Persian ever
capitulate to a babe and sucking? Forbid
it manhood, discipline and djgnityl Thai
child must les thc. there are opposing
wills in this world. 1t comes 10 be ques-
ton OF might uer-lls right He has recourse
TO traiegy, feeble species of parley is held
with the enemy. False promises are extend
ed, fattering endesrments sre lsvished, cos1-
ing insil ustions are profered. But the
enemy scorns a truce. "0ive me milk or
give me death" is his slogan. The beWil-
dered reformer stands irresoluie over the
crib where lays that potent bundle OF tiny
limbs, vigorous lungs insstiate appetite and
unconquersble will. "Oh, that B ucher (for
which read my wife) or day would come"
lie his sgenixed aspiration.
He sees no signs Of HeAksniae On ks-hA--
by's part. He feels them uRmerously on his
own. Twelve o'clock Is the hour bxed BY
the Modes and Persiaus for nonrishmeRt, ac-
cording 10 discipline and the sanitarIans,
supported by all the best doctors and nurses
in the land. Sixty more minutes OF this
pandemoniumi Can mortal fssh endure
sixty more seconds OF il? Ten minutes past
III o'clock. Dash the Medes and Persianf!
Dash the bratl He wonders in one wild mo-
ment OF insupportable agony il ne would
become ameusbe TO the lave OF God or Dsn
| if be dashed il sure enough. DIsh the sani-
tiriausi dash discipline dash the DOCTOR!
dash the nursei dash himself for dashed
idi1ti dash the milk into the bottle! dash
The bottle into that tempestuous mouth !!
dash every body and everything, excepting
his vile, Creature of heroic mould" to-
| ward whom his perlurbrd soul goes out in a
burst of remorseisl admiration and com
Function. Thresdbare, indeedl Whew !!
II is a wonder the woman hiss pound OF
| flesh left on her bones. He falls asleep won
! deripg who has been disciplined, he or the
Il