Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1883-03-23
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A LIME KILN CLUB SCIENTIFIC Lee
TURE.-The President stated that Prof.
Holdback Remington, the great colored
Ohio scientist and philosopher, whose ad
vent had been predicted at the last meet
ing. was now present in the ante-room and
shivering with cold and shaking with i'm
patience. He had been in the city for three
days, during which time he had frozen his
heels and discovered that the sun was L.
DOO, 900 miles nearer the earth at this point
than in Cleveland.
The Committee on Reception then drew
ION their red mittens, parted their hair in
the centre, and disappeared in search Of
the distinguished visitor. He was con-
Quoted TO the platform, formally intro
duced, and, as he moistened his bronchial
tubes with few swallows of hard cider.
he led off +:
''My frens,' he began. ~ has bin invi-
ted to spoke to you on de subjeck of sci
ence. has no doubt dat some of you has
heard de word spoken. or seen it in print
at some time, but how little de majority
of you have cher realized de beauties, de
extent, an de power of science! Science
has had hard struggle, but she am now
TOP of de heap an kin reward her frens
an forgive her enemies How do we kne~
dat de airth revOlves on her axle trees.
same as de wheels of wagiD? Science
has told us. How do we know how t.
cross de oshun? Science pints de way.
How do we know dat de great desert OF
Sa- harry was once an oshun? Science has
dug down an fOun' clam shells and sharks
bones. Widout science we should be
a world widout overcoats in winter or
sodY water in summer. We would fail
up wid0ut KNOWN wheder grabisashun III
agitashun made us cum down instead
goin' up. We should see de moon, same
as now, but some would say it was ill.,
habited by monkeys. an odders would
have an ideah dat it was splendiferous
locality for a persimmon grove. De sun
would rise an sot an warp de shingles on
de roofs, but men ould 60 round bluffin
fur bets dat she WASH t fifty miles away an !,
was held in place by wires.'
Here the orator paused to scratch his
back and take another drink of cider, and
amid stiffness almost solemn he con-
tinued
"Science has done much. but it hasn't
done huff. 1t has giben US de Mariner
compass, but we have no masheen Shop
whar' bow-legged men kin drap in on del
way up home an git de crook Strengthened
while dey wait. 1t has giben US steam
but we still crawl under de house to thaw
out frozen water-pipes, de same as de Ro-
man Senators did 1900 Vars ago. 1t has
giben US grand suspenshun bridges. but
whar' am de gas-meter which registers in
favor OBJ de consumer? 1t has giben us
de TELEGRAPH, but what man among you eber
sot eyes on boot-jack which wouldn't
miss cog jist when you VAR pullin' on
wet boot de hardest 1t has tuunelled
frew mountains, but we hab feun no bet
ter way alb making de baby swaller caster
lie dan by holdin' its nose, same as Eve
held ain IS and A bells IN de beginnin'
my frens, did not come here to expec-
torate you wild tiresome infatuation.
Heed we'll what l have said. Snug up to
science. She will keep YOU cool in sum-
mer an prevent de shlinkin' of your win
ter fannels. 1t is deep subject for re-
search an incr mpatibllity, an trustin dat
zach one of you may abdicate de refiexun
BIO de consequential, | will draw my bril-
liant climax to a care er. '-Detroit Free
Press.
Il have made one human being happy
to-day" said Fred Blanks to Bob Belt. an
Austin lawyer. Ibid you send barrel
of -four to q poor widow % asked Bob.
mo, my means do not allow me to b. so
extravagant, but L told an applicant q
position in the Legislature that knew he
was going to get it, "Well, that " as
one of those little courtesles that casts
ray of sunshine into the troubled life Of q
Fellow traveller in this vale of tears, and
which does not cost anything" 1.-The
mischief it didn't cost ANYTHING | Dor
rowed two dollars from him on the strength
pf t."-1snas S1tings.
The sting of bee is only one thirty
Pecond OF an inch long. It is your lmagi-
nation that makes it seem as long &C hoe
handle.
Can you tind room for scribe on your
paper z" Not unless You want to sub
Bcribe.'' Aud again that scholarly youth
va crushed.
Up to the present time the grounding
is The most successful weather prophet of
the year. The goose bone ranks second,
and it is nip ard tuck between Virgins,
Vennor and the muskrat for third place.
why should you celebrate Washing
Ion s britt day M ore than mine ?" asked
teacher. "Bt cause he never told lie !"
houted little boy.
A Chicago doctor advertises: Don't
mistake dropsy for consumption" That's
light This constant mistaking delirium
remens for malaria is bad enough.-BoS-
0n Post.
Motto of western paper: "In God we
trust-evefYt ody else CASH.
A Chicago couple are grandparents to
fifty children. Fortunately the aged pair
re deaf.