The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1883-02-09
VARIETIES.

When you bury animosty, never mind
putting up a tombstone.
An evil speaker differs from an evil doer
in the want of opportunity.
Girls, like opportunities, are all the more
to you after being embraced.
-"Good-bye" is contraction of God be
| with you, and "Adieu" means place you in
| Gods keeping.
When two young ladies waste an hour
| in bidding each other goodbye, it is "much
adieu about nothing"
Dying off! By the way, another of the
Balaklava "siX hundred" has just died This
reduces the ranks to about nine hundred
The man who has the weaker side of an
| argument, always makes the most noise If
you want to hear pig squeal, get him penned
in a corner
Some one has said that whistlers are
always good natured. Everybody knew that.
It's the persons who have to listen to the
whstling that get ugly.
"A fashionable lady who lost her pet
poodle short time since was asked if she
didn't greatly miss the beast. mo" she re-
Piled "my husband sort of takes his place in
my affections"
"A little Pharisee, who was praying for
his big brother, had a good deal of human
nature in him, even if he was only six years
old. He prayed; 20 Lord, bless brother
Bill, and make him as good a boy as am"
Miss Lucy, stopping opposite FIREPLACE
Heres where you and | are to sit, Major"
The Major: "Dear me! rather warm
place" Miss Lucy: what! you major
and can't stand hre?" The Major: mot at
my back, you know, Miss Lucy"
The clergyman at marriage ceremony
in Atlanta, Georgia. had just asked the col
ored bridegroom the solemn question, "Wilt
though take this woman" ETC., when an old
flame poked her head into the room and
said: "Henry, jess dar you to say yes."-
Henry sank into the nearest chair without q
word, and the company thoughtfully with.
drew.
DR.. Hawks, an eloquent and popular
New York divine, once asked the vestrymen
of his church to increase his salary because
of his increased family expenses Don't
trouble yourself" said the vestrymen, "the
Lord has said, He will care for the Young
ravens when they cry" 81 know that" said
the clergyman "but nothing is said about the
young Hawks"
An Arkansas politician was approached
by man who said "Colonel, please give
me a nickel; | want to cross the river."-
Haven't you got nickel ?" mo, sir" 81
won't give you one. A man who hasn't
nickel is just as well off on this side of the
river as the other. Now, if you had money
enough to establish yourself in business
after crossing I'd give you a nickel"
"A bee in a rosebud: Arthur Crayon-
"Miss Rosebud, have brought little pict-
ure which l painted especially for you. 1t
has proved very pleasant task during the
month that | have worked on it," Pinky
Rosebud-"Oh, thanks, Mr.. Crayon, you are
very kind, but am afraid that must return
the frame, as mother never allows me to ac-
cept presents of any value from gentlemen
"A gentleman at the theatre sits behind
lady who wears a very large hat. Excuse
me, madam, but unless you remove your hat
| can see absolutely nothing" Lady ignores
him. Excuse me- madam, but unless you
remove your hat something unpleasant will
happen" Lady ignores him again. Gentle
man puts on his own hat. Loud cries from
the audience: "Take off that hat" Lady
thinks they mean her hat and removes it,
"Thank you, madam"
81 saw you at the funeral the other day."
said one lady to another yesterday "Yes-
saw you, too" "How natural the corpse
looked" "Just like marble" II never
heard more affecting funeral sermon; did
you" "Never. And just think of it, when
everybody was crying l reached for my
handkerchief, and found to my horror that it
was a red one had in my pocket" Good
ness! What did you do?' "Why. didn't
cry" How could l, when everybody else in
church was using white ?"-Stockton Nall
A hunter fired at bird as it flew over
the dooryard of an Arkansas residence A
boy that was playing around was struck by
n couple of shot and his loud cries brought
the farmer to the scene. "What have you
done?" he demanded of the hunter, drawing
n revolver 81 beg ten thousand pardons,"
exclaimed the hunter. "In my eagerness to
secure the bird fired thoughtlessy, and
fear have seriously wounded your SON."
"Son!" said the old man, ~ thought that you
had hit my dog Mind how you shoot
around here, for if you put shot into that
dog I'll cut off both your ears"
Two men are walking together-one
smoker, one an admirer of King James
Counterblast.
"What are you smoking?"
"a cigar-can't you see?"
81 mean, how much did it cost?"
"Ten cents? All How long have you
been smokipg?"
"About thirty years"
about thirty years Why, with the
money you have spent on cigars you could
have bought one of the SWEETEST houses on
the Avenue herew
"Don't you smoker
az? Never! | never have smoked"
"Then, show me your houseW
The following conversation is reported
| to have taken place between minister and a
wdow-both of Aberdeen. The widow,
who called upon the minister, seemed desi-
rous of relieving her mind of something
which oppressed her, at which the reverend
gentleman. wishing to hurry matters, ex-
claimed: my good woman, you see can be
of no service to you till you tell me what it
is that troublesyou well, sir, I'm thnkin'
O. gettin' married again." "Oh, that is it I!
Let me see; that is pretty frequent-surely.
How many husbands have you had ?"-
"Weel, sir" she replied in tone less of sor-
row than of bitterness, "this is the fourth
I'm sure there's nae wumman been sac tor
| mepted wi, q got ~ depin' mon ~