News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1883-02-08
THE WORLDS LEVER.
SpOOpendyke and his Printing Press
Chapter of Trials.


pect to do all my own printing here
after, he said.
"Oh, but isn't that lovely - futtered
Mrs. Spoopendyke, dropping the stork
and rushing to her husbands side. ''and
can't we do the loveliest things with it
Is it the kind that the Hcrald and SIN
and all those papers are printed with %
"Oh, yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke, -
growled her husband, you've hit it ex-
actly. This Is the very kind. I got Mr.
Bennett to kindly try it on, so as to get
it the same size as the Herald is printed
on.
''And will You print papers with yours
ike Mr.. Bennett and the other editors ?"
continued Mrs. Spoopendyke timidIy.
''Oh, but won't I, though p yeIedhe
husband. 1T needed dod gasted fe-
male idiot to think of that; you've struck
the proper plan.
''Think you can print 5OxGO show
bill with 3x4 press ? Wei. I tell We
that We can't. Can We get it into your
measly head that this is a card press,
and can only print a card three inches by
four inches?"
ooh, its a card press, is it ," ventured
Mrs. Spoopendyke; ''then we can print
those beautiful Christmas cards on it,
can't we?'
Now you've got it, " yelled her hus-
band. "that's the idea It prints in
thirty-fve different colors at one impress
sion, and any design. from the picture of
an Cd crank Win 1t sr,,iskm oyercooI,
loafing round somebody's chimney with
game-bag full o; jumping-iacks, to the
New Year, 1888, represented by a hump
backed baby dressed in a broad grin,
with napkin tied round his waist, driv-
ing out the old year, dressed as an old
tramp with a moving machine and gal
Ion jug of whisky under his arm. That's
the idea, exactly. Think you can print
chromos and Autographs ON it, don't
you? Well, you can't. You can only
print one color, and that IS black. Think
you grasp it now -
''Well," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, 4
suppose you can print visitng-cards on
it ?"
''Yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke, I can, "
said her husband, in a softer tone, and
he grew in a much better humor as he
proceeded to show his wife the press
and exhibit his dexterity in the use of
the type and the press.
At last he got his worthy helpmeet's
name set up in type, and proceeded to
put the chase on the press with a grand
flourish But in an evil hour he had
forgot to key it up and at the first touch
the whole business went to pi, and at the
next fell in a confused mass all over the
carpet.
"Why, what makes it do that?" said
Mrs. opendyke, laughing.
''N u makes it DO what, Mrs. So
sneered her husband, as he hit his head
on a corner of the table in a mad dive
after the type. "'What dye pose makes
it do it? What makes anything do any
thing? If had your talent for asking
idiotic questions, I'd get a glass Of beer
and a three-inch paper collar, and live
out as a prosecuting attorney"
By this time the worthy gentleman |
had got the name set up and securely |
fastened, and was printing with great |
gusto: but he had, unfortunately, set
the types in wrong order, and the first
eight perfumed visiting-cards came ont
like the following:
.cLydncpoopS SRI
When Mrs. Spoopcndyke saw it she
ct up a little scream, ooh, but isn't
hat funny, though What makes it be
wrong side up?"
Funny y hOwled her husband, with
horrid derision. as he grasped the situa-
ton. cts a perfect thunderbolt of fun.
It's the most deliciously humorous thing |
of the century. All you need Is an adj
vertisement Of liver pills on the cover, |
and a joke about goat on the first page, |
to be a comic almanac. With your ap-
probation of humor, all you need is a
broad grin and $1,000 worth Of stolen
diamonds, to be the leading comedienne
of the American boards. Can't yon see
the measIv types turned wrong? They
have only got to be turned round the
the other way.
After half an hour of diHgent labor,
the types were again in position, secure
Iy keyed up, and put on the press.
When the final arrangements were
completed, Mr.. Spoopendyke turned
round to wink at the baby, and incau-
tiously left his thumb over the edge of
the rress. As luck would have it, Mrs
SpoopeDdyke, in her anxiety to
show her husband how well she
understood and appreciated the press,
brought the lever down and the press
closed on that gentIeman's thumb, max |
ing him jump four feet high, and utter
an exclamation that would have made |
the second lieutenant of company of |
pirates blush ''Dod CAST the measly |
printing press" he shrieked, as he |
smashed the base-burner with it, and |
then he threw it in the alley. Haven't |
We got any sense scarcely? Why don't !
We 90 on with the entertainment? The |
measIy thing only got as far as the bone. |
Why don't We begin on the skeleton?
Why don't We finish the chapter ?" and |
Mr.. Spoopendyke danced upstairs, five
at time, with parting injunction to
his wife to hire out for a slaughter-house.
"WeD, said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as
she picked up the baby, and put a pitch
er of water where her husband would
be sure to fall over it when he went
down stairs in the morning. IF we
have so much trouble in printing one
word, I wonder how Mr.. Bennett gets
along with whole newspaper to print. -
The J,tdge.
The World.