Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1883-07-01
RHGISTRR RAPS.
"A Bsrlesaue word IL Oites . Mig ty
%. Sermon" .-.a

Yes, my darling, I will love you.
Just rs long as aces win;
II you buy me a new bonnet.
Angels will not think 1t sin.
DoRsEYs next deal will be to make a
trip around the world, as the hero of Amer
lean injustice.
WHEN SHAKESPEARE wrote "Oath, Hello"
he had probably just been tackling tele-
phone with the wires crossed.
BEN BUTLER is the Tug" Wilson of poll.
tics. He cannot be knocked out. He is
sent ito the grass" each time, but contin-
ues to come up smiling.
WILL some one please rise and explain
what becomes of ali the embroidery that
is worked by lazy women at the summer
resorts. Perhaps they never finish it.
SAVING some beautiful young lady from
q terrible accident when nobody is looking
at you is like holding a full hand when
there is only ten cents in the pot.
WARNING To HUSBANDS.
"Donr be cross, my little dear,
1t is only eleven"
"a boot hits him in the ear
"I wish was i'll heaven"
The fellow who sent us the snake story
from Cumberland OF a copper. jam reptile,
three fingers deep, had evidently been par
takingof toe much OF the merry essence of
corn that will make man happy.
TERRIBLE as an army with banners is
a common expression, the force of which
you may not see; but you will some day
when you find yourself driving skittish
colt and such a procession comes along
Boston Post
WHEN Newark preacher wants money
he pawns his gold watch, and then on the
following Sunday breaches sermon four
hours long because he has no timepiece to
go by. The next morning the congregation
get his watch out OF pawn and send it to
him.-Phila. Erenitg Ncms.
A new York regiment in camp at Peeks.
kill threatened to revolt if they were not
furnished with napkins. We cannot con-
ceive of more striking and thrilling pic.
ture of the horrors Of war" than soldier
without napkin-unless it may be a cor
poral without dollar-store scarfpin.-Nor-
riStor" Hcrdld.
AN exchange wants to know why we only
hear of about one out OF every hun ired
gIls that go to Paris TO finish their musica
educ alton. In explanation We might say
as rule, they skip over to Italy and marry
an Italian count, and when they get back
this country they are kept so busy max.
ing clothes for the monkey and covers for
the hand organ that they have no time to
waste on the operate stage.
One OF our country subscribers writes us
inquiring what will cure the rheumatism
in his off foot. Great heavens, think Of it,
a man living in America, where educa-
tional institutions are as thick as mos.
quitoes around an old frog pond, so utterly
ignorant, not knowing that Kendall's SPAWN
Cure, st. Jacobs Oil, Pinkham's Compound
Warmers Safe Cure, Before and After, aud
thirty-one million five hundred thousand
other similar remedies have never been
known to fail in curing everything.
SULLIVAN seems to he 4 winning name.
York. At Troy it psralyzes one hundred
oysters, five pies and two pounds OF choco-
late in nine minutes. At Kansas City it
figures as the boss best drinker-forty
glasses OF beverage in that many minutes.
10 lalI l,a al, mir al
Embellishments two men out. At Louis
vile as boss swimmer, and at Omaha,
Ne5., as great bicyclst. Indeed, the evo.
luton of Sullivanites speeds rapidly on.
ward.
What is il, ma?
a dude, my dear. Don't be frightened,
il cannot hurt you"
But, ma pray what is a dude"
cts harmless, my dear. 1t generally
wears fine hat and nine boot. 1t circu.
lates, my daughter, that is all. 1t has not
enough life in it to do any more. 1t smokes
cigarettes, my dear, and clerks for six dol.
lars a week, although you might think it
earned more than that an hour. Oh, my
daughter, let not these knights of the mys.
tic six dollars a week ensnare thee. They
can mean no good, my dear. They cannot
marry. Support from them would be like
leaning on clothes line when one end OF
it is united. A good wind and Jew fran.
tic tailers will blow them all out of the
country ere long, trust. But of all the
dudes my dear, beware OF the cid dude
He will offer fatherly advice when he really
wants to say, Sweet maiden, canst thou
look on December locks with that same ad-
miring gaze, aud speak of them in the same
mellifuous strain as thou can st of the
growth Of May" Take the advice OF your
old mother, my daughter, pass the dude,
he can talk of nothing but moon and stars,
and button-hole boquets, and will never
allude to good fried beefsteak, or home
made bread. Indeed, my daughter, allow
ing breach of good Eaglish, give it the
shake, every time"
"Shake it is, ma.
Dudeiet.
II. {. hodge, in Norristown Herald.
Here
hangs my bangs
Ger eyes that dream.
AND nose and rose
bra lips for cream,
And here'k my