The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1883-04-12
WIT AND HUMOR.


They do say that the first question
asked by Boston deacon visiting
Egypt was: ''Now what were the real
facts OF the Potiphar scandal?"
costly thy. habits as thy purse can
buy" is the Shaksperean motto of the
"boys" who make it habit of drinking
champagne.
"Ah," moaned widow recently be-
reaved, I" what a misfortune! l know
what kind of a husband have lost, but
how can / know what kind of husband
his successor will bep''
The New Jersey Legislature has pass
ed bill to give the money received for
the Stevens battery to deaf and dumb
asylum. Evidently it doesn't, want
much said about it.
The question is asked us if there is
anything that will bring youth to wo-
mon? Yes, there is. An income Of
say $4,000 will bring any number OF
them.
what shall I say to make baby
smilep' queries the author of new
song, in his title. We can't say, pre-
cisely, but try ''bottle," that always
makes the old man smile.
Little Billy Bulbs says he daunt see
nawthin' bout Hamlet 'seein' his far
der's spirit to make so much fuss bout.
He sees his dady's spirit every time he
looks in the cupboard.
Medical professor to raw student
'Where is the glottisp'' 'I don't know,
sir. think you put it on the shelf in
tho dfccanfir with bn ~
your surgical instruments.
Don't pull me around so, said the
thief to the policeman. II have felon
upon my finger!'' "And l have my
finger upon o felon,' remarked the
policeman, with sardonic smile.
An expedition is now talked of which
is to proceed TO the Antarctic end OF
creation, and finally reach the North
Pole by boring upward through the
earth's diameter.
A Chicago man has invented cast
iron tableware that looks just like porce-
lain, and is in ecstacies when he sees a
servant girl drop half dozen cups and
shriek with horror at observing thei1
failure to break.
The new maid. Visitor: s'Is Miss
Primrose visiblep" Bridget (now Ma
rie, who has been thoroughly drilled
with respect to visitors), swell, that
depends. Ye've got to put yer name in
the platter. Thin I'll. see.
1t is estimated that the valentines sent
to the feminine sex this year cost over
$1,000 while those sent to the mascu
lines didn't cost over eleven dollars and
q half. A great many comic valentines
can be bought for eleven dollars and a
half
There is nothing like settling
down." said the retired merchant con-
fidentially to his neighbor. "When !
gave up business l settled down, and
found had quite comfortable for
tune. If / had settled up should not
have had a cent"
Fifteen years ago the brothers Swan
went into the cattle business with less
than so, 900, and are now the wealthiest
dealers in Wyoming territory. These
Swans have nicely feathered their nests,
and, no doubt, wear costly "cygnet'
rings.
One Oliver SWEET, of Boston, offers to
wager $500 that he can eat quart OF
baked beans for breakfast every morn
ing for thirty days. Here is an oppor-
tunity for London Punch to get off one
of its parenthetical jokes; j. G., say that
s'such feat is calculated to make one
Oliver SWEET (all over swea)."
The belief that the people of Pompeil
cultivated watermelons is strengthened
by the discovery, in the course of recent
excavations there, of the remains of g
man with his hands clasped across his
stomach. There was nothing, however,
to indicate that he was of African de-
scent.
A gilt-edged delight is the kind Of
thing that fills mans soul when he is
ransacking the closet to find bootjack
and accidentally rakes out last sum-
mer's straw hat, and notices the senti-
mental things that were written in it
last July by some blue-eyed darling in
the mountains.
'Why do women so often wander
aimlessly in the murky solitudes Of the
dead past, brooding over days forever
goneph asks a correspondent, and we
give it up, unless it be that she hopes by
ransacking the dead past to find that in
the wardrobe of the aforesaid dead past
she may find something to work up into
rag carpet.
The New York Commercial .AdUer-
tiser says there is beggar in Washing
ton who stammers so much that it
takes him several minutes to ask for a
c-c-c-c-c-cent. As it may take him
several hours to get one, he is fool to
waste SO much time asking for a cent,
when he could ask for d-d-d-d-d-d-
dollar just as quickly.
Dumpsey went hunting the other day
and took Johnny with him. They saw
rabbit, and Dumpsey drew up and shot.
The cap exploded, and there was long
splutter, and finally, just as Dumpsey
took the gun down, the charge went off
When they got home the folks asked
Johnny what luck they had had. ''O,"
said Johnny, ''papa saw a rabbit, but
his gun stammered so he couldn't hit
it,
''Why are you in such hurry to get
homer" one Frenchman asked another
who had recently arrived in New York,
and had already bought ticket for the
return trip. ''Ah, my friend, return
that l may become member of The
Cabinet" "Indeed! What hope haze
you of that?" ''They will have tried
every other Frenchman by the time !
get to Paris, and l must hurry to take
my turn"
Imagine an alderman and two COM
mon councilmen taking little supper
at the city's expense, for which 800 is
charged. That money would buy 200
plates of hash, 800 doughnuts or 1000
crackers, with cheese thrown in. 1t
would buy forty pots of beans and pork
at so cents each, forty plates of roast
beef, fifty lobster salads, or 1873 1-3
pieces of pie. What enormous appc-
titcs!
A nice young man thought he had
found something pure and fresh in the
shape of a laughing little witch of
girl, and was on the point of proposing
marriage, when she scattered his fond
hopes to the winds by remarking one
evening: ''You hing and kiss me more
than any gentleman l am acquainted
with, except Bill Wallace; and he is
baggage-smasher, and only comes here
once month"
They had only been married short
time. The other day she slung her arm
around him and warbled. in a low,