The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1883-03-24
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WIT AND HUMOR.

Astronomical PROFESSIONALLY dear
madam, the progress of modern astronomy
Is astounding. We know the distance be-
tween the sun and the planets within few
thousand miles" Madam-"Yes, profes-
sor; but think of 1t, that we know even the
names OF these distant lumnaries. "-TBos-
ton Advertiser.
Couldn't cheat him: "Tre dollar unit a
half !" exclaimed Count Ramshaclle to the
Niagara hickman, "dot vas O swindle %
Its the regular fare said the hickman,
but seeing it's you, III take you for three
dollars and fifty cents" "Gootm ex-
claimed the count. 1T was without bossi-
bilities to sheet me.'-[New York Com.
mercial Advertiser.
Tho Rockland Courier speaks of con-
temporary rs having "ensmalled and
changed its form TO eight pages" "Ep-
smalled' is good, but not better than might
be expected OF an editor who lives in state
where every man carries q club-room kew
on his watch-chain. The writerin the Neal
Dow commonwealth never need search in
VAIN Tor inspiration,-[Boston Transcript.
The Autophone Company conduct all of
their correspondence by means of tyne
writer's. The company had occasion to send
four or live letters TO an agent way out in
Wisconsin, and they were amused a few
days ago to receive one from him closing
with these words; "You needn't print any
more letters you send me, for want you To
understand that | can read writing. -
Ithaca Journal.
\ Georgia paper tells of horse that
always refused to pull if three persons, no
matter OF what size or weight were in the
vehicle TO which he was hitChed, but he
never refused to draw two of any size.
What a treasure this horse would be to the
young man who is bothered by having his
girls mother always ready to ride on. with
them when they want to make Lowell Bur
lington Hawkeye.
The theory so ably advanced by some OF
our esteemed contemporaries that the floods
are due to the denuding OF our forests is not
without its effect. A tramp refused to saw
wood for his dinner yesterday, giving as a
reason that hi was bitterly opposed to the
destruction of our forests and would do
nothing TO encourage that kind of business.
And he walked oil, picking his teeth
Cincinnati Enquirer.
Miss Phoebe Couzins is lecturing on "The
Correction of Certain Mistaken Notions Re-
garding Eve" 1t appears that the story
that Eve began to cry and threatened to go
home to her mother because Adam refused
to buy her $500 sealskin sacque in the
early days of their honeymoon is weak in.
vention OF the enemy. We have always had
some doubts in regard to the authenticity
of that story Norristown Herald.
In II single season an oyster can lay sew
eral million, eggs, u fish double that number
If it is in any health at all, aud even the or.
binary house fly, il is said, can acquit itseli
OF .O,VD without any great mental strain
But hen, whose eggs are good for some.
thing, gets black in the face trying to lay
seven week, and then goes all over the
neighborhOod telling about it. Nature has
made q failure of the egg business. -[Roch.
ester Post-Express.
Landlord Ito tenant; Good informing
sir fine day, sir; just called round to see II
1t would be convenient for you to settle
your quarters rent, sir" Tenant; ibid
eh? DO you know, landlord, that none oil
he doors in this house will shut" Land.
lord New house, sir; new house, you
know; lakes time to settle, SIR Tenant
"Ah then there's pair Of us. Pm q new
tenant; takes time for me to settle, too
Good morning. Call again. The Judge.
That preachers pun in the pulpit occa
sionally is shown in the sermon delivered
by DIR, ralmage in Brooklyn recently. He
SAID; THE mountain brook is always cur.
rent" Speaking OF the dishonesty of the
farmers wagon, he remarked that there was
not IAN honest spoke from tongue to tail
board" And his many other'ecoentric ex.
pressions indicate that he can hold his own
with almost any end-man in n iirst-clas
minstrel troupe.-[New York Commercial
Advertiser