Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1883-09-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

fayette! De fuSt ting YOU know YOU Ii
be burnt rs brack as de niger next
doah. Kentucky Journal.
Keep right on sending your money
and old clothes to the heather. There
are only twelve hundred towns west of
the Mississippi river without churches
or regular preaching of any kind.
$50 you've given up keeping board
ers, Mrs. Pringle. Couldn't you make
it pay?" ''Oh, yes; | made it pay well
enough, but the mistake | made was
that l made it pay the boarders.
A man in Italy has made q clock en-
tirely out Of bread. It may be no more
than proper to state that the main
spring is made out of piece of North
American railroad eating-hOuse sand
witch cover
Engineer Boiler has reported to the
park board that ''Macomb's dam bridge
is unsafe, and that it will require S27,-
800 to repair it. " That is It good deal
Of money, but there is no use in the en-
gineer being prOfane about it.
1t is said the dudes are adopting knee
breaches for everyday wear at the east
ern summer resorts. If it rains as much
ut the eastern resorts rs it does ut the
west the dudes will need cave troughs
on their knee brooches.
One of the most trying moments of q
mans life is when he is getting his pic
ture taken to send to his best GIRL, and
IS just assuming his most angelic eX-
preston, and fly alights on his nose.
IVjlianSp0rt Grit,
"Wonder whose funeral that is?' said
q woman, looking from window and
addressing her companion. ''Seems to
be very good one" the companion
answered. Yes, but still | don't think
that it is strictly first-class. '-Arka1a-
SaU IruUcIer.
rs the dog mad?" he asked the boy,
as the animal dashed by. "Ireckon he
isl, replied the boy; 1 just see a butch
er take 4 piece o meat away from him
and kick him six feet into the air.
Wouldn't you be mad if that was done
to you?'-B0st02 Post.
Save the Sweetest Kiss for Mother''
is the title of the last new song. The
author evidently oYerlooks the fact that
the young mans precious time is so
completely occupied in paying his re-
spects To the daughter that the old lady
stands a mighty slim chance of getting
any kiss at all.
Mr., Beroh, the S. P, c. A. man, saws
it is cruelty to animals to catch fish
with hook. There wouldn't be much
fun in fishing if man had to dive un-
der the water and hold chloroform to a
fish 5 nose until it became unconscious.
and then hit it on the head with Il ham
mer.-N0rrjst0Un Herald.
.'Show me 4 sensible man who is OBJ
posed to capital punishmentn' eXclaim-
ed a lawyer while in conversation dur
ing a recess Of court. Il am, replied
4 gentleman sitting near. "And why
SO, sir; give your reasons. " Because
/ am sentenced to be hungnext month"
-4rkanSaU TraUeler.
4 fruit grower says it IS good plan
to trim fruit trees high, and pasture or
chards with sheep. The old plan of al
lowing the limbs to grow close to the
ground, and pasture the orchard with a
dog always seemed to us to be very eff
fectiye, but q sheep that knows his bus
mess can also make it very torrid for
boys. -Pec6'S San.
The female shrieks heard in German
town a few nights AGO were not, rs at
first supposed, made by woman who
was being murdered BY her husband.
They were emitted by a Young woman
in West Philadelphia, ten miles distant.
who, while crimping her hair, dropped
Il hot slate-pencil down her back
AOrrjSt01c2 Herald.
A floating item saws that the queen
of one OF the old countries has to have
4 doctor sit by her side at dinner TO tell
her what to eat. Sec how much differ
ence there is between 4 queen and
real healthy girl of this western coun-
try. Some OF these western girls Al
most need to have doctor sit beside
them at dinner to tell them when to stop
eating. Sun.
''She thirsted for one fond look-she
starved for q kiss denied, p" saws Ella
Wheeler in one of her poems. Poor
thing! In these days, when fond
looks are lying all about from every
street corner, and kisses are not de-
MED when anybody knows where they
are wanted, it is too bad. We have
heard Of starving to death in the midst
of plenty" This. poor creature seems
10 be trying it on.-Hartord Post.
The burlesque of ''EvaneeIine" did
not succeed in London. The English
critics said the play lacked the continu-
ity Of plot. denounced the situations as
improbable, and pitched into the ''lone
fisherman" for coming or the stage in
such Il condition that he did not know
what scenes he belonged in. and could
not speak 4 line anyhow. They thought
he was drunk. You've cot to get an
Englishman down and pound his head
with IN aN to make him think you're
funny. Boston Post
4 playwright has introduced buzz
saw into his new play, as an element of
danger. Al the unnecessary charac-
tiers are supposed to monkey with it
before the curtain drops on the last act.
The villain OF the play, we suspect. sits
upon the engine Of destruction, and be-
comes 4 split ticket. as il were. from A