National Republican., 1883-05-31

OF the New York World as ian old rooster" Gen.
der wrong, He's an old Pulitzer.
SALEM man excused his marrying cross
eyed wife by saying that he liked alteration, and
she could see twice as much In him as any other
woman could-Sdiem Sunbeam
DUBUQUE man accidentally knocked
himself down with club that he was waving
toward some catss He did the best thing he could
under the circumstances. He jawed his wife,
Boston Post.
If brooms are wet In boiling suds once a
week they become very tough, and will not break
up so easily when fond wife is demonstrating
with her husband and trying to induce him to do
better-BismdTck Tribune.
"oH DEARp sighed Mrs p, with a tooth
ache. why cam people be born without teethYr
If you will reflect a moment, my dear" replied
Mr.. r., 'you will be convinced that such is the
fact "-Burltnoton Free Press.
The editor wrote it.: "Toronto Odd Fell
lows have endowed a cot In the hospital of that
CITY ior the benefit Of sick chidren;' but the new
compositor, who was not familiar with the scribe's
chirography. set 1t up: Twenty odd fossils have
doused cat In the horse pond of that city for the
bono pit Of six Chinamen."
IN newspaper printed in China appears
the following: 1t is reported that sixteen twins
nave been presented TO native farmer near Shang-
nal, VINO is only "a years DID," The San Fran.
cisco Post thinks that such little events as sixteen
twins at ono lick accounts in a measure for the
"teeming millions of ASIA"
A GEORGIA girl is engaged in task Of eat
ing four large onions, 200 green apples, and two
bottles OF pickles day. Her friends have no
fears that she will fail in her undertaking saws n
local paper The probabilities are, however, that
the Undertaking" part will be attended TO by the
village funeral director.-C Commercial Advertiser.
WHEN Scotchman answers question he
settles the matter in dispute once for all On n
certain occasion the question was asked. "Wbv
was Mary Queen Of Scots born at Linlltheow?' p,
SANDY Kerr promptly answered, Because her
mither was staying there, sir" and there actually
seemed 70 De nothing more to say on the subject
WELL, there is one thing sure" said Mr..
JOB Shuttle, as he closed discussion on tho
wrongsideness OF everything in general; "there h
no justice In this world, and it makes me blue m
think OF It," "True, job" said Patience. but
the reflection that there is justice in the next
ought to make you feel great deal bluer."-
Hartford Post.
MRS. JONES, head Of the house, filling out
census returns-"The impudence of such n oues
tlon! Mr.. Jones, listen to this. This paper saws.
State the number Of idiots in the family II any,I
Mr.. Jones, nursing baby-"Mark down one I'm
the idiot column, my dear" Mrs. J.-"What do
ately marry you, Mrs Jones2' Mrs. J.-"Yes.n
Mr.. J.-"Well"-Tsras Slrfnos.
DID you see anything that particularly
struck your fancy when you were looking arounJ
the furniture stores to-day" asked a voung
Somervllle husband Of his lately made wife ON ber
return from tour Of furniture inspection. "Yes -
she REPLIED II saw something exceedingly nrettv
In looking glasses" "I have no doubt YOU did !,
he observed, "ifyou looked into them /" The halo
m cxuaa
| SomerviHe Journal
Two boys on Sunday foil into the Har,e,,
river near One hundred and fifty. Afth street and
were drowning within sight of 500 spectators
Inc great crowd stared at the drowning bows in
speechless horror, making no attempt to save
'nem' Al this moment an elegantly attired
young gentleman rushed down the station stens
divesting himself Of his coat vest and silk hat
as ne approached the brink. Without hesitancy
ana oisIegaroing the cry, "oh, see the dude" he
plunged into the greenish ooze, and soon reached
| the drowning boys He drew their heads above
water, ana wholly unaided swan 10 the timber
| some yards away, and lifted them upon Il. The
| man and boys were drawn up and saved, Every.
| body wanted to learn the name of the gallant
youth. Smith " was all he would reply, as he
disappeared rom the scene. 1t has since been
learned that his name is Joseph Cook.
NEW YORK Commercial Advertiser. Fres
Board wanted" said the chap who tumbled into
| the river....A Brooklyn man asserts that n near
| sighted person cannot hear well without plossea
Eurekal That is why so many chaps 20 out be
tween the acts. An observing philosopher has
discovered that the bowling swell wears only one
eyeglass, because he sees more with that than he
Ia able 10 comprehend. ;. The man who can taIr
Of nothing but the weather, and the chap who
continually chins about the tariff. should
be shut up together In a dark room
and be compelled TO fight 1t ont.
1t Is tobe hoped that General Crook will draw
straight flush. The latest thing out-Tho dude
who doesn't get home till daylight >. The pro.
fessional beauty boom has died out The homelv
craze VIII come next....In some sections of the
country 1t is not considered crime to club an
organ grinder. There is great deal Of difference
between an airy diction and dictionary, vet the
former could not got along without the latter
Boston water. II is said, has cucumber taste
This gives the Hub bulbs chance TO take some.
thing that will take the kinks out. In soms
parts OF Michigan II is stated that well water
turns red upon being boiled. One of these DAYS
scientists Will make the startling discovery that
there is beet sugar factory In that vicinity.
The Columbia Is. C) stocking mill is in operation
In the penitentiary, and Is now turning out 1900
pairs Of finished stockings day. It Is suspected
that they are bought UP by Chicago sluggers and
filled with sand.
CoURIER-JoURNAL.: Curious historical fact
that there was no tafiy tolu in the DAYS OF
Chaucer. =. The wages of sin must surely be paid
Other wages are somewhat less certain. :. The
only man who ever got ahead Of the small boy
was king named Herod.. Two Brooklyn BROTH
| ers who married the same woman are trying 10
| send the poor thing to tho penitentiary for big
amy....The friends OF the gentleman who was
waiting for something 10 turn up have bought him
a straw hat Of the present season. :. .Englishmen
want to marry their deceased wlfes sister, to savo
themselves the ordeal OF getting used TO now and
untried n-law.. ...There is said TO be one
physician to every thirteen families In the United
States. 1t is we'll that this statement has come
out. Many persons have all along been suppos.
| ing there were thirteen doctors 10 every
| family. Tho Chicago Times declares that the
Kentucky republicans are trying to get one
| lot of scandalous Kentuokians out and another
| lot of scandalous Rentucklans In. Perhaps Jere
Dunn Is now writing the Times editorials. "A
clergyman and n Sunday school teacher fought
on recent Sunday, In an Episcopal church at
Goshen, N. Y. The teacher scratched the preacher
choked him. pulled his whskers, and appeared 10
be the Sullivan Of the occasion. of the ninetv
nine counties In Iowa, there Is not one that ia not
trayersed bya railway or railways. The Iowa
mans facilities for getting 20 all points where
there are saloons will excite good deal of envy
over In Illinois,. Miss Aver, whose father adver.
tised himself into colossal fortune refused a
European prince, who followed her to this coun.
| try In the hone of marrying her Tha constant