The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1883-06-13
81 )EEAgzz5.sIDLIL0
Wednesday, June Is, 1888.
COMIC COMMENTS.

Won TO clear Out.-I>HCG.
The new Chinese paper is referred to
IS "our esteemed pig-tail contemporary. ~
Boston Herald
-Aristocrat, Pauper, Debtor: The ais
tocrat is supported by his ancestors, tn,
paaper by his contemporaries and the debt
Or by posterity. LITE.
Important advice: Diamonds should
be washed regularly but it is not necessary
10 hang them out on line in the back yard.
--Neao Orleans Picayune
His Own Master "rd have people
know Pm nobody's fool" said Henderson.
" In other words, remarked Fogg, "you're
your own master. "--Roston Transcript
More Haste the Less Speed: First
Annex Maid" Eeres a CARP Second An.
mex Maid" Wait Let's take that red one
Just behind they go ever so much faster
-Hnratd Lampoon.
Costly Compliments If doctor says
GOOD day" to You it costs you three marks;
but when lawyer says GOOD night you
will find that it has cost you half your
HtJcHUt flhttF-
--Imperfection of Art A lady in Chicago
had her face enameledin smile Invited the
next day to dear friends funeral she was
obliged to smile through the whole perform
ance. Moral Beauty unadorned is best
Harvard Lampoon.
An old Friend with new Face Gus
toner =" Have you any frst-class musical
instruments ?" Shopkeeper-" Yes, sir;
best stock in town, sir can't be beat" Gus
toner Cunning to go OUT" Can't be beat,
Ell? Sorry; want drum. "-Lifs.
"A nice fellow: Nice fellow!" she ex-
claimed; "well, should think he was Why,
he don't do any business he belongs to
three clubs, has $50, 900 year, is divorced
from his wife and led about thirty germans
this season. "-Neo York Mail and E;r.
press.
-lmpudence Professor =" Please GIN.
me ten cents, sir, to buy some bread ?"
Muggins-" Why, gave you ten cents not
half an hour ago." Professional (taking in
the siiuation) y" Yes, sir, know, sir, but
I'm terrible bread eater. "--HaTgdro
Lampoon
Hurt in dining Room Yes" h,
said, describing dinner at certain hotel
:" it was Just about the worst / ever sai
down to. Everything was cold except the
ice cream, and piece of cake fell on my
foot and famed me for week. "--Neso York
Hotel Mail
"A safeguard: Subaltern-"M Meier, when
you are on guard at the powder magazine,
and man passes, smoking a cigar, what dc
you do 2" Meier" Shout at him to throw
il away" Subaltern =" And then ?" Meie
- pick it up and smoke the rest of i
myself. F6egcnde Bldtter.
The George Washington of Massachu-
sets: A small boy in one of the public
schools being asked by the speaker who was
about to speak to them on the life of Wash.
ington pointing to his portrait. "Whose
picture is that 7" Immediately replied; Bel
Butler. ~ Boston Transcript
The maiden's point of view Mammt
Ito Maud, who has been with her brother Il
the play, and is full of it)-" But was Their,
no lovein the piece, then ?" Maud" Love
Oh, DEAR no, mamma How could there be
The prin cipal characters were husband
and wife, you know i"- London Punch
Simplicity :"I don't want no rubbish
no fine sentiments, If you please said this
widow who was asked what kind of an ep.
itaph she desired for her late husbands
tombstone. Let it DO short and simple,
something like ihis William johnson,
aged 75 years. The good die young'"-
Brooklyn Eagle
Rough. Charlie We're de We're (senten
tiously)-" Geniuses, my dear Miss Mari
borough, are men who just miss being fool
and fools are men who just miss being gen
fuses" Miss Marlborough (awestruck) -
"What original things You say, Mr.. Vert
do We're! sometimes think that you are
almost genius. "-Haroa,d Lampoon.
In the way of precedent: Poet" But
my dear sir, it is now four years since you nc
cepted my epic and no steps have yet beer
taken to publish it," Publisher-"Don b,
ina hurry, young man. Homer had to wait
more than three thousand years before hi
got into print aud you will hardly claim tina
your poem is an Had ~ FHegends Blat
ter
What the rich man misses Jay Goull
thinks TINT "he possesses his share of the
pleasant things in this world" Mr. Goult
has undoubtedly much that goes to max
life pleasant, but he can never know tn
ecstasy of happiness that permeates ONE
being when he discovers an unexpecte,
nickel in the lining of his coat -ROcheste
Post Erpress.
The parsons rejoinder: A witty noble
man once asked clerical gentleman at til,
bottom of the table why the goose, whei
there was one, was always placed next to thu
parso1. Really my lord" said the clergy
man, "your question is somewhat Difficult
to answer and SO remarkably odd that vow
shall never see goose again without be
ing reminded of your lordship"
NO charge for professional services A
young physician informed pretty lad,
patient, who was suffering from chronic sor,
throat, that the only sure cure for it was
beard. "Thats of no interest to me-" sh,
replied, "Pve got no beard" True" h,
replied, CALAMITY; "but you can use min,
as often as you want to-" They were mar
lied few months later -Brooklyn Eagle
PECULIARiTIES OF ACTRESSES.