The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-01-06


Physicians say that people sleep bet
ter if the head of the bed is placed toI
the north. But it depends 4 good deal
where the baby's head is.
Uncle Jake Reade, of Yonkers, upon
reading at the end of friends mar
rage notice, mo cards." sent him al
euchre deck by the first mail
Some captious critic calls q bay win,
dow .'an architectural impertinence.'
On the same principle, n bay tree may
be designated garden sass"
A man at Omaha found SO on the
streets, and he advertised the find to the
extent of 81 and made the loser foot the
bill. 1t is sometimes disagrecable to-
meet with IN honest man.
A beer garden need not necessarily
be out doors, nor have trees and shrub
berry. If there is beer ut the bar and
sawdust on the floor, no one cares a
cent for the garden part.
A Montana woman sued for di-
yorce because her husband kissed the
servant girl. you want this man
punished?n asked the Judge. IL dc"
said she. Them said the Judge, 81
shall not divorce you from him.
A quaint old minister was once asked
what he thought of his two sons, who
were both preachers. WELL" he re-
piled, George has a better show in his
shop window than John, but John has
a larger stock in H. warehouse.
A Cambridge, Mass, man arrived in
a frontier village recently, just rs a
gang of cowboys had "taken the town"
His first exclamation was: ''Well. dc
declare! l didn't believe you folks had
college here already"
"Why are those things on your dress
called buole trimmingsp" George
wanted to know. ''Oh," Emily replied
lightly, II guess it's because pa blows
so over the BILL"
What is the difference between econ
omv and meanness? Well, if a man
soueezes to save little money, he calls
it economy, his neighbors call it mean
ness. 1t depends on who does the call
ing.
During the occupation of Egypt by
the British army, a colonel saunterine
outside his camp, near the Gezireh pal
ace. was hailed by sentry, You must
not oo there, sir.'' s.Do you see who
amoCol. Pr Yes, sir. l know,
!. But the harm ladies' are living in that
house, and the orders are from Sir Gar
net that he is not to be let in there him
self. if he wants to-
Philadelphia women have just organ.
lied society to reform hardened Grim
inals. and the board of aldermen is
awful nervous every time woman's
voice is heard in the corridor of the city
hall.
al wish you wouldn't talk so about
good people," said woman to her hus
band. They all have their failings
but many of them will get to HEAVIER
before Won do" II sincerely hope so, y
was the curt reply. He was in no hurry
to 60.
Although at its recent session thu
American Scientific Association eX
planned at length the succulent and nu
tritive qualities of the paleozolc cock
roach. that luscious creature has not ye
supplanted frogs legs at the toney res
taurantS
\ Il have been married now" boosted
;, prosy old fellow, "mOre than thirty
r wears, and have never given my wife !
:; cross word" That's because yol
never dared. uncle" said a little neph
ew who lived with them. If you had
auntie would have made you jump"
First Young man: "Well, did 20,
make the acquaintance of that strang'
girl you were raving over? Secont
ditto: YES, followed her home.
First Young man: How did she STRIKE
you?'' Second ditto: "She didn'
strike me at all she got her big brothe
to do it."
The following is verbatim copy OF ;
letter received By Boston school
teacher from the parent of q pupil
"teecher hattie has gut the crop, ant
her throte is so bad she can not come t.
school and rs soon is She gifts Better
am going to take her 20 new York 70
the winter"
A great many things are accepted b.
us, as a matter Of course, in this coun
try. An Austin notary was called t.
take the Acknowledgements Of witnes
TO deed He wrote out: 10 me
, we'll known, personally appeared
By the way, what is your name any
g'-Terds Siftings.
'' Said an elder sister to little one VIII
appeared to take great interest in MI
Smith, Come, little pet, it is time you
eyes were shut in Sleep" 81 thin
not" replied the little pet "Mamm
!" told me to keep my eyes open when 20
y and MIR. Smith were together"
He had turned and twisted in his sea