The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1883-03-15
WIT AND HUMOR.

A wife may be blessing, but DUMP
wife is an unspeakable blessing.
A New Jersey man has patented a
stove that explodes at 10 o'clock at
night. He has four daughters.
Silas Card was married the other day,
and on his wedding notices were the
words: mo cards." But he doesn't
know what might happen
Kate Field did not succeed as the boss
of dry-goods store. Woman shines
best as boss when workmen come to
make repairs on her house.
The only time a man is generous in
drawing the line between his own and
his neighbours property is when he
shovels the snow off the sidewalk.
The man who believes in place for
everything and everything in its place,
never has a postage stamp when he
wants to post letter.-Puck.
Sophronia-'Whatisph philosophy? 1t
is something which enables rich man
to say there is no disgrace in being
poor.
'.Pa, is it right to call man born in
Poland Pole?" ''Of course my child"
"Well, then, if man is born in Hol-
land, is he HoleP" Tut, tut! I'll an
swer no more of your silly questions.
4 New York lover stabbed girl be-
cause she rejected him. This should
warn the girls that the safest way to re-
ject man is to leave town and send
him a postal-card.
A man who has happened to have a
good deal of experience says: ''Stand
anywhere but four feet to the left of a
woman when she hurls an old bottle at
hen"
A man always looks through his
pockets four times before handing his
coat to his wife to have button sewed
on, and even then he is filled with q
nameless fear until the job is completed.
The meanest slight girl can put
upon an admirer is to use postal card
in refusing an offer of marriage. 1t
proves that she doesn't actually care 2
cents for him.
1t is related as singular fact that fat
men never commit crime. 1t dOeSn't
seem so singular when you reflect that
it is difficult for fat man to stoop to
anything low.
A circus might gam the reputation of
having the champion equilibrist if it
would engage aman who could step out
of the sawdust and balance the books of
New York savings bank.
When a certain bachelor was married
the members of the Bachelor Club broke
him all up by sending him as wedding
present copy of Paradise Lost. -
Cincinnati Drummer.
A Texas fashion note: The fashion
able coat for this winter will be cut so
tight across the back that the butt of q
pistol sticking out of the hind pocket
will look like the hump of circus
camel.
'.The eagle in one house," says
Gresset, sis the fool in another" Ger
tainly. The man who talks the loudest
in the railway car, and contradicts
everybody at the hotel table generally
washes the baby at home.
The deacon's son was telling the min
lister about the bees singing his pa, and
the minister inquired: ''Stung your
pa, did they? Well, what did your pa
say?" ''Step this way moment" said
the boy, I'D rather whisper it to you"
A Frenchman claims that he has in
vented system by which he can cause
three and two to make six. This inven-
ton is not original with him, however.
1t was first discovered by the American
government while negotiating with the
Indians.
Drunk said Mr.. Griph, of the
prominent and respectable citizen, II
tell you he was drunken than boiled
owl; he hadn't the remotest idea of what
he was about. Why, hang it, he stopped
and recognized me on the public street,
in the presence OF everybody"
A bride complained to her husband
that she had been too busy all day to
get off her feet once, and that unhappy
man, who had already discovered sew
eral make ups in her construction, ex-
claimed in amazement, "Great heavens,
do they come off too?"
Circumstantial evidence: An otter
was killed by milkman on the bank OF
the Maple river, near Ida Grove, the
other day. The finding of an otter is
something remarkable, but the fact that
a milkman was at the river in order to
make the capture is still more strange
yea, passing strange.
"Willyim, my son. saws an eco
nomical mother to her son, for mercy
sake don't keep On tramping up and
down the floor in that manner-you'n
wear out your new boots. Gle sits
DOWN. There you go-sitting down
Now, you'll wear out your new trousers
L declare, never see such boy!"
A married man returns home "at a
late, or, rather, an early hour" as the
society papers say, and, aided by his
wife, undresses and goes to bed. 'Ca1
| do anything more for you, John,
dear?" asks his patient spouse, kindly
'.Noshing jush now" replies the object
of hersolicitude, ''only mind you..wakshe
me up minute I'm shirshty"
Henry Willard, the Northern Pacific
millionaire, ran away from his fathers
home in Germany while boy, anG
landed at Castle Garden with no friends
and but little money Little German
boys should paste this item in theil
hats, and also paste piece of cardboard
in the seat of their pants, in case theil
fathers should see the item.
A keen student of human nature
must have written the following: "Wher
| you see young man sailing down street
shortly after midnight with his collar
mashed down his neck, you can MAKE
up your mind there's a young cir
crawling upstairs not far distant with
her shoes under her arm and an extin.
guished lamp in her hands"
An Austin clerk is in the habit O
drawing his salary for several month.
in advance. A few mornings ago ht
came down to the store halt an houl
later than usual '.What makes you 81
lateP" asked the proprietor. ut wa.
so cold l didn't like to get up" %
don't see how you came to find it cold, ,
| growled the boss. "You drew your sal
airy for next June yesterday"
The janitor's wife and one of her dis
tinguished friends were discussing thu
death of the old lady on the SECOND
floor, and the great grief of the OLD