Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1883-08-16

Care in our coffin drives the nails, no
doubt
But Mirth with merry fingers plucks them
out
Medicinal: A New England physi-
clan says that if every family would
keep box of mustard in the house
one-half of the doctors would starve.
We suggest that every family keep two
boxes of mustard in the house.
An old negro woman, praying for a
certain slanderer, said: "Oh, Lord.
won't you be kind enough to take the
door of his mouth off, and when you
put it on again just hang it on the
gospel hinges of peace on earth and
good will to men ?''
There should be general law passed
prohibiting the cutting Of dogs tails
off. It's very inhuman thing to do.
When only half of tail is cut off, the
dog is forever prevented from laughing,
and when it is all cut off he can't even
smile.
Legal: A French investigator has
discovered that the character of a per
sons dream depe nds in great measure
on which side the sleeper lies. The
dreams of lawyer then, who habitu-
ally lies on both sides, must be very
| much mixed.
A collector once wrote to General
Sherman for his autograph and a lock
of his hair, and received the following
reply ''The man who has been writing
my autographs has been discharged,
and as my orderly is bald, cannot
comply with either of your requests. y
Webster unabridged Up in Chau-
tauqua county one day politician was
watching severe storm from his door
steps when farmer acquaintance
turned in hastily from the road and
drove under shed. whats the mat
ter, Bob 2'' asked the politician.
''Well, said the farmer, II believe
thar's one Cf them slycoons is coming p
Somebody put a small mud-turtle,
about the size of silver dollar, in a
bed at New Jersey hotel, and the
stranger, who was assigned to that
room, on preparing to retire caught
sight of it. He at once resumed his
clothes, ,remarking 81 expected to have
a pretty lively night Of it, but if they
are as big as that, / don't propose to
get in with 'em.'
Lawyer-'Do yeu not consider Mr..
Biggs, my client, man of truth and
veracity % Witness hesitates. Lawyer
-"Wen, I'll put the question in an
other form. Do you think he has a
mind which cannot distinguish truth
from falsehood p Witness eagerly
"Oh, no, sir. l am sure that he can. -
Lawyer-"You're sure of it-and why
are you so sure of it p Witness-''I
know he can distinguish between the
two. 1t isn't possible that he would
always happen to lie. If he didn't know
the difference, he would tell the truth
by mistake once in while - Lawyer
'That1l do, sir; you may stand down. .
Oh, no, the lawyer does not talk for
effect; he simply talks for effects-the
effects of his chent-and he usually
succeeds in getting them.
A grocer had a pound of sugar re-
turned with note attached to it saying,
''Too much sand for table use, and not
enough for building purposes.
The man who boasts that he is above
doing mean acts tells the truth. Of
course he is above it, else how could he
stoOp to do mean thing so often
A Reading, Pa, man died few days
ago, after drinking fifteen quarts of
water. The coroner's jury rendered the
verdict "Suicide by drowning
Mrs. Homespun, who has a terrible
time every morning to get her young
brood out Of their beds, says she cannot
understand why children are called the
rising generation.
When Carlyle said that everybody
should have an aim in life, he had no
reference to the fair sex. He had
doubtless often seen a woman trying to
throw stone at hen.
"Hadn't better pray for rain, to-
day, deacon" said a Binghamton, N.
Y, minister, Sunday. mot to-day,
Dominic, l think, . was the prudent re-
ply, THE wind isn't right
''No, SIR" said the clergyman, ~
don't pray for rain unless my special
dispatch from the weather bureau says
we are liable to get it."