National Republican., 1883-06-27
wAsnINGroN, D. G.. June CO. 1888.


But when puns to my aude,
I'll have them BIO less pungent
wAst1NeroS, d. G.. June CO. 1888.
The CoWicr-Jownot says tho police of Ber-
lin nre about TO petition Bismarck for pig tail
whistles.
THIS is the kind of weather that makes %
man with n double chin feel his fat in creascs.--
commerciol Advertiser.
THE staid old Boston Transcript, in dolving
among the archives ofthe dead past, has resur-
rected the fact that pigs ear is corner In pork.
BRECKINRIDGE Neps; " IIo shot himself in
the woods" is an Indiana papers account of a
suicide. Tho bullet OF course, must have taken
elIec. in the lumbar region.
BEEcHER earns $4,000 year, and yet
never has 0uy money. The Courier Journal sug-
gosts in explanation that the good man probably
has TO do his own marketing.
THEY claim to have horse in Duluth
which can laugh rs heartily as u man, but as they
have never taken him out of the place VIC fail to
see any occasion for his laughter.--Detrok Hco
Press
A CANADIAN has offered q reward of 5000
for the conviction Of the thief who stole his pig.
If Bismarck thinks that no value is attached to
American hogs, he should paste this item on his
beer mug
A PROMINENT physician says person
should never be walked except when there Is
urgent necessity for It, 1t is suspected by the
Courie-J Journal that the doctor has four brothers
on the police force.
"JoHNNIE. what are you doing up stairs?"
said Johnnios ma. "oh, nothin much, ma"
"But sir, want TO know" ooh, we'll, thon. I'm
skinnin' a irccxlo to sec what sho looks like in
sldo."-7he Drummer
AN interesting oil transaction took place in
the third ward Yesterday. Though the little boy
beloved like bull and said he couldn't bear It,
the old lady cornered him and made him take 1t.
1t was castor oil.-0A Ciy Derrick.
PROF.. SAETLER, of Munich, proves by ins
controvertible evidence that the present year is
1885 Of the Christian era instead of 1888. The re-
ligous reporter desires us to notify his creditors
that this clearly outlaws all debts.
AT the dinner to newsboys at the soldiers
home, one boy had eaten all he could possibly
hold when he leaned back and said to his partner,
skinny, my stomach will think my throat is cut"
Volumes could not say more.-PecEs Sun.
A NEW Kentucky law fixes the legal dis
lance between church and the nearest saloon at
q mile. According to a Texas paper man named
Smith has already made the distance in five min
utes, which is doing pretty well for draught
animal.
So MUCH has been said about that Missouri
farmer who recently ploughed up little black
jug, out of which, when uncorked, ran forty-seven
snakes of different Species varying In length from
four to seven inches, that no has become u strict
teetotalcr and sold his farm.
CHICAGO policemen have some queer ideas.
According to tho ulways-truthful Boston Post n
Garden City "cop" on being asked what he
deemed sacrilege said 1t was giving beer to dog.
tInr
thing that cannot be expressed In words.
i In north Brazil there are no professional
diessmakers. the finest ladies usually making
their own costumes. When u man buys his wifc
q 81 dress he doesn't have TO give her $40 to get it
made. There are some things in north Brazil
worthy of imitation in this country. .-Noyristoon
Herald
HENRY WATTERsoN says you might as
well forecast horse race as to predict the out
come of the next presidential election. To which
the San Francisco Post pleasantly rotorts Mr., Wat
terson is apt in Kentucky similc. Kentucky similo
! is always comparison with something connected
with draw poker, whisky, or horse race.
MARY ANDERSON has rejected tho play
which was written for hor by Oscar Wilde. The
! heroine in the play is made to go mad by eating
the seeds OF sunhower which she worshiped,
,usug her to fall in lovo with long haired pooJ
| with knee -breoches, whom she eventually kills
with rolling pin, being interrupted by him with
poem while engaged in the artistic work of pre-
pairing biscuit Tor breakfast Miss Anderson found
the play unsuited to her highly emotional nature.
ScENE-St Enoch's station. Time--After-
noon. Rory McRanter prosperous butter mer-
chant meets an acquaintance young man Of
slight build and meek disposition. McRanter
| (heartily)- Losh, Simpson, ain awfungled tae SEQ
yc, man. Am jist gaun ava tae catch ma train.
| Am steyin' doom the waiter the noo--ta'en u
hoose in Gourock for the simmer. Ge's look
doom some Saturday eftornune an stey tao tho
| Monday-yo'll be made walcome. Come doom an
got the fresh air aboot ye. We've gotten q flno
gairden--penty O. vegetables and frlt--and ave
| BOUGHT new set O. boXin' gloves; come doom an
all knock the face aft ye"- Glasgow Battle.
"WHAT do you think of tho mountain
gorges, Mr.. spcerr' asked Miss Ladyblrd of her
neighbor at tho hotel table. "Well," said tho
other thoughtfully, as no looked upon him. II
| think that old anaconda ut the head of the table
has gorged himself about ZIP to his collar button.
One plate more of strawberries will keep that un-
wholesome child opposite up all night with tho
collie and give the country doctor job The way
that Dutch built downger is loading up must in
crease tho hopes of her heirs amazingly, and ifthat
red faced man does not cut his throat eating with
his knife he will probably die of apoplexy before
the evening train gets in.-BOston Commercial Bul-
letin.
A PORTUGUESE gentleman, in his book
designed to teach his countrymen English, pub
fishes the following as familiar phrases go TO
send for. Have you say that? At what purpose
have you say SOP At what o'clock dine him
Apply at tho study during that you are young.
Dress your hairs, Sing an urea. These apricots
and these peaches make me and to come water in
mouth This wood is I'LL of thiefs. Give me soma
good milk newly get out lie laughs ut my nose,
he lest by me. lie has mo take out my hairs. He
does mo gome kicks. lIe has scratch the face
with her nails lie burns ones self the brains.
They fight ones self together. Ho was hghted in
duel. Itmust never to laugh at the unhGppies,"
NEW YoRK Commercial Advertiser; Pack
your thermometer in ice.., Kept ON tap--The
door knocker, Gnome matter-Penns ylvania
"spooks' -. Yesterday was delightml-in an fee
house. The fzz of tho frecrackar Is already
heard iu the land. Providence, Il. L. messenger
bCya get run over by hearses The debris OF a
political barbecue is the ghost OF blasted hopes...
Since oroquet is no longer fashionable the young
ladies' appear TO be more amiable. "A new book
Just issued is entitled "The Alphabet" 1t will bG
successful for good spell.,..An old traveller has
discovered that it is u wise man who knows his
own name when he sees It in the newspaper lists
of hotol arrivals. Tho blessings that brighten
as they take their flight are Tho that we are
always willing to see shutting the door from the
outside.
BRIGNoLI appears to be reaching the con-
cluson that as a "silyer-yoiced tenor" he Is no
longer q success He istuFning his musical talent