The Wellington enterprise. [volume] (Wellington, Ohio) 1867-188?, 1883-03-07
stMark Twain" Cultivates MuscIe-H0w
He Was Misunderstood.

elevated perch looks down upon Elmira
for his Inspiration in courting the comic
muse, has been somewhat out of health
this summer. Notwithstanding the fact
that he located his book factory six hun
dred feet above the city in order to ac-
complish his bibulous paradox of being
high and dry at the same time, vet he
discovered. that the pains and aches of
malarial disturbance occasionally affiict
him full sore, reminding him of the fogs
and marshes of the Connecticut valleys
from which he recently took flight. Sit.
ting one day at his study window, nurs-
ing little erheumatism, gazing far away
over the peaceful city lying below him,
and wondering whether there was one
man within its limits who could knock
the spots off him on a game of billiards,
he was interrupted by the arrival of. the
family physician, who called to make a
friendly visit. Into his sympathetic ear
was poured the tale of the humorists
woes, and after a moments consultation
he remarked, "Clemens, what YOU need
is exercised With a look of gentle re-
proach, which soon changed to anxious
|. innocence, the hero of many an expert
ence of roughing it Gin pictures and
tramps at home and abroad (on paper.)
made reply: "Well, that's right, that's
all right, but who's going to do it for
mep You see," he continued, ..the men
on the place are all busy and the chill
dren amt big enough to accomplish
anything, and s'You must do it
yourself!' was the professional stop put
TO the demur. "Do it myself? How in
thunder do you expect-why, what can
dop There ain t good poker player
on this hill, and the hammock broke
Il 81 .Iox- f& a. ~
'.No. no." interrupted the doctor, ''you
must have active exertive exercisei some
thing that looks like work, YOU know
You can walk down town or swing
dumb-bells, or chop wood, Or Hold
on, you've struck it, exclaimed Mark.
'.rn chop woods "Best thing YOU can
do" said the doctor, as he took his leave.
''It brings into play so many varied
MUSCLES expands the chest, deepens the
Inspiration and superinduces more
bountiful oxygenation by the beautiful
process of endosmoSts and exosmosia,
and hence the red corpuscles-"
"Here, have a. cigar" said Twain,
pushing box before him, land let up
on Moses" ''You mustn't smoke, you
know" the doctor said, as he picked out
aweed. "O!no, I've stopped smoking"
as he carefully placed sheet of copy
paper over three old stumps and brier
pipe; 81 found that it disagreed with my
family long ago." The doctor departed,
and Clemens, with the glow of renewed
health already shining in anticipation on
his brow, took one of the farm hands
from the harvest field and sent him to
town after new AK. He returned with
the tool, bright-bladed, sharp-edged, and
spent twenty minutes trying to explain
to the bewildered author why the handle
was made crooked, and that the red
label was only intended to advertise the
makers name. ssWell, but didn't they
send any directions with it?'' was the
anxious inquiry. ..How do you suppose
an inexperienced person can load and
| fire that thing without rules?" Finally,
thinking he had the hang of the thing,
Clemens had the man hitch up and drive
him up the road about a mile to piece
of woods, the AK carefully wrapped in an
old coat, so that no one should be hurt by
| 1t. The members of the family went
with him to look for flowers and berries
while he chopped. Arriving at the de-
sired spot he carefully took out the ak,
unwrapped the old coat, and laid the
| tool down beside the stump of dead
pine. The family wandered away,
| picked one or two flowers, and then
hastened back, as they heard him shout
| ing their names, s.rve done enough
for to-day" he said, as they came near.
| They saw four blisters on his hands and
= piece of new leather shining on one of
| his boots, but no wood lying around.
However, they said. nothing. and went
home, the hired man carrying the ak.
That evening, sitting on the piazza,
| applying arnica to his hands, he said:
.Its hard work. but Pm going to keep
it upl It's splendid exercise, and just
see how it has built up other great menl
| Why, you know, Greeley prolonged his
life many years by chopping at Chappa-
| qua, and Gladstone's alive vet and max
il g things hot in Egypt only by reason
| of the beneficial results of an hour
| chopping every .day. You just wait a
month and see mel I'll be able to fight
| Tug Wilson and row Courtney and out
talk Beecher.''
4 All this was several weeks ago. Only
q few days since Clemens noticed his
new axe lying where he had left it on his
| return from his initial trip, its bright
ness changed to reproachful rust. Con-
science smote him. He would resume
exercise. He would attack anew the
| monarchs of the forest. He would ac-
| quire muscle. So he boldly marched for
the same piece of woods and began op-
erations on the old pine. But. a few
minutes had elapsed before six-footer
appeared before him. and the following
colloquy ensued: 'Now, you skin right
out o. here, dunn quick. young man!
These is my woods, and you'll learn to
let folkses property alone after I'm
through with ye! Git nowr' Searching
on his forehead for an imaginary bead
of sweat. Twain glanced obviously at
the enraged bucolic, and said: :. Well.
| wh-what-seems- ms-to-be-the mattel
with you?'' ss Matter, I'll show ye, dunn
vel Tryin' to steal my woodr. But,
| my good man, don't want your woodr'
"Then what are you cutting it forP'
" Why, for exercise, that's all. The
doctor said" 30, that's too thin!
Exercisel You look like man that
would do anything for exercise. Now
(with renewed energy). you get right
out o. here! Right out" and the farmer
made threatening advances. g But-
bullock here, my good man, you don't
know who L am. You are talking to q
- "Yes. do know. You're that
Clemens. I've heard about your being
here about four weeks ago, and I've had
my eye on you ever sincei Now (pick-
ing up'a pine root), you git" Clemens
took up the ak, cast a whitening look
on the bucolic, and sadly climbed out
Il of the woods, over the fence and out OF
danger, the voice of the enraged land
owner ringing in his ears for some dis
tance down the road.
Why Mr.. Clemens went so far to find
chopping.place, when there were three
orchards between him and the woods, is
not known. Greeley wanted to attack
his wife's favorite shade trees, and Glad
stone has spoiled many a valuable trunk
in the park. They were not particular,
and Mr.. Clemens should not have been.