The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1883-08-16
HOW ny WIFE WENT TO MARGATE.

HANGED by the contiguitN Her patent
attractions of ethereal blue eyes, her
aureole of golden hair, and her form
of a ~hamadryad, I have found to be the
least of her charms. B~ewitching feat
ures of character, but dimly suspected
by me when l led to the altar the blush
ing LuoT-Lucy Briggs was her name
till J changed it to Wiggins-have in
these four years developed and bios
somed forth; vistas of rapture, then m
opened, now grow wider and wider
each month of my married life; and, in
short, No. IL Stockcherry-terrace,
Highgate, is a bower of bliss.
Two cherubs, a boy and a girl, Potty
Ii. e. Philpot, after his uncle in the
Procrastination Office and Totty,
promise to transmit to posterity the
qualities / have family indicated above.
Ispeak, of course, of her virtues only.
1t behoves me to keep a dry pen with
regard to myself, though my friends
persist in declaring me-especially after
supper at my house-to be a decent
sort of fellow. I generally go 'home
to tean from my business of a mer-
chant in oleaginous products, and there
is no man. 1 may confidently say, who,
oOkh CAAy 1ho
pitches more into the mullins than l do.
The houses in Stockcherry-terrace
have each a small front garden and a
larger back garden. AS regards geo.
logic formation, no doubt our gardens
are like the rest. On investigation it is
found that in all suburban gardens
there is underneath two inches of mould
Chat at one shilling and a pint of beer
the barrow-load) an alluvial deposit of
einders, after which you come upon the
pleistocene formation of brickbats, and,
probing deeper still, the ~pleioceue mud.
But coming to the surface, there are no
gardens in the terrace which can vie
with ours in horticultural excellence.
They are, in the summer season, a per-
feet Eden. Dur tree-yes, we have a
tree-is a splendid specimen of what
our maid Anne calls the ''black popu-
lar" evidently confusing it somehow
with the Christy Minstrels. Our lawn
is as smooth shaven as the amateur the
atrical gentleman next door; our ger
aniums furnish me with ssbutton-ho1es"
which are the envy of the whole city
tram; and for aromatic pain, no one
else's carnations are sin it, with ours.
Then l have a greenhouse four feet
square. 1have actually produced there
an orange, which, though it cost me
FL Is. Cd. in medical attendance for
Potty, was an undoubted specimen of
the fruit. And my wife, my Lucy, per
fect on all sides of her character, not
only hoes and rakes Occasionally in
the wrong place, but that I forgive),
but b has her own pet interests as
well. Now it is an aquarium, which,
though it leaks over the drawing-room
carpet, is painted a most beautiful green.
A little while ago she had a splendid
Persian cat, and even a tortoise, whose
mission in life appeared to be to eat up
my early lettuces and onions. But
forgave her that, too, as / would any.
thing,
But to my tale. The pleasant June
weather had come and our gardens
were radiant with flowers. The even,
ings were deliciously long, and 1 coult
sit under the popular with a pipe anG
watch Lucy knit till quite late. The
amateur gentleman could throw up hi.
back-parlor window and treat us to Sc,
iections from the ssstrictly legitimate;'
while tho academy for young ladies OF
the other side could open its window
also, and practice for our benefit tn,
most touching of scales. But, alas
there was a serpent in the Eden, al
added egg in the nest, a fiat string il
the angelic harp, a bad shilling in tn,
change, a ghost at the banquet, fusel
oil in the whisky. All householder
will feel for us whenI say that we wer,
suddenly beset by an attack of 'drains.
Yes, drains. 1t was no use attempt
ing to disguise it. Drains. 1t coulJ
not be that peculiarly ~high-favore,
cheese which had been sent as a grea
favor by a country aunt, for the odo
persisted long after 1 had buried tn
cheese in the back garden. Nor was
an escape from a gaspipe; for in sum
mer ourmeter was always turned of
which ~precaution, however, never pre-
vented it from registering all the same
At n time we thought it must be tn
water in the patent filter; but thong
the product of that machine was niue
worse to taste than the original fluid
yet the aromatic qualities proved to b
the same in both cases. No, none
these things was it, Or anything else W
could think of, except the drains.
Uf course we were much disturbed
jumping to the worst conclusion, poe
Lucy saw in imagination her helples
infants PROSTATE with diphtheria, q
pleuro-pneumonia, or elephantiasis, c
something equally shocking; she,
believe, was to acquire a galloping cor
sumption for her own share; where's
l was to be satisfied with rheumati
fever, accompanied by softening of til
brain. l tranquilized her as far as
could, but at best the case was serious
Day By day the obnoxious intruder b,
came more and more pronounced an
persistent, penetrating from the bas'
mcnt to the parlor above, seeming
thicken like the smoke that came out
the fisherman's jar, till we almost e,
pected to see the genii.
1--WE shall all be burnt in our bedsi
calculated Lucy, rendered pardonabl
illogical by her fears, poor girl.
81 must see the landlord" I replie'
with a determination of the Briton wi
has made up his mind to a desperat
course of action.
Yes, it needs some resolution to SIS,
your landlord as h~ouseholders a
well aware, for an interview nearly a
ways means a row. Our landlord, M
FULTON, is a model landlord, from Il
landlords point of view. Originally
bricklayer, he has risen by industr
M peruSal OF MIR. Smiles "SeIf Help,
and an invention of his ownfor makil
mortar without lime out of road scra
ings. to the position of proprietor. I
is what is ~delusively known as a 'sprac
cal man." He has ahappywaywith tie
ants that 1 can never cease admirin
II your top cistern leaked and the wat
ran over your best furniture, when Sc
for to see it he would prove to you
two minutes that the cistern when p
up was as perfect a cistern as ever W
provided; that the framework was t
best two-inch sawed, planed, rabbitte
morticed, tennoned, creosoted a
otherwise highly favored oak; that t
lead was the best-best Derbyshi
double-milled steam-hammered fiawlt
lead; that his cisterns never leaked u
der twenty-five years at the least; til
appearances are very deceptive, a.