Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1883-04-20
WIT AND EUMOR.

WIZ AND EUN0R.
\ Mobile merchant objects to hein,
called a millionaire hecal-c his nam,
happens To be Damrich.
The way the servants at a summer
resort Motel would prefer to have III,
notice read: ''Waitcrs will report any
inattentIon on the part Of the guests. =
4 man in Springfield. Mo. being
invited TO drink. poured ont Il glas>
of whisky, hooked at il Il moment an.I
then drcpp"d dead. The Coroner
jury brought i'll Il verdict of Suicide
by procra>tination.
The reason that almanac makers
publish nothing but TIE stalest joke.
is explained. People get disgu,ted
after reading one OF tive of them and
turn to the patent medicine ;.dver
tisements for relief.
Some heartless wretch caught two
cats, tied them by the tails and nunr
them into the cellar of church.
The residents of the vicinity heard
the noise the animals made, hut
thought it WAS the choir rehearsing.
A Brooklyn church has offered Il
preacher salary of SIG.00O and two
months vacation every year He re
CARDS it as a ''call to preach the
Gospel" Most any one else would
accept such al offer, but would call
it by its right name, % soft snap"
What did you have to eat - asked
Tom Murphy of Washington politi-
clan who had just exclaimed, 1t wis
the finest dinner | ever sat down to
the finest any man ever s;n down to-"
"Why. nothing at all; we Just drank
and drank and drank, was the reply.
You say your wife gets mad and
raises row." Il should say she did
She makes enough fuss to run a
freight train forty miles an hour
But if You knew she was in the
habit of getting mad, why did You
marry der?' because if [ had held
back she would have got madder than
ever"
Mrs. Hannah Tyler, of Branford,
Ct, who has been speechless for
fifteen years, fell from her chair the
other day. getting such shock as to
bring back the flood Of speech. and
now she talks as well as ever Mr.
Tyler now sees that too much furni-
ture is worse than none.
The Rev. Joseph Cook fell between
train of cars and the station plat
form at Poultney, Vt, the other day.
and was pulled out by bystander
Just IN time to escape a serious injury.
1t is supposed that Mr. Cook fell
over some of the large words he is
in the habi. of carrying around with
him.
Some philosopher and scientist,
who has been plunging his aggressive
nose into the hidden mysteries of the
past, makes the startling announce
ment that Adam was seven feet high
Well, what of it? Adam never ex
perienced the pleasure and S25 a
week of travelling with a fat woman,
some pink eyed children and il hand
organ, the way the men of the present
day do who have attained the height
of seven feet
Old epigrammatical conversation
between clergyman and traveller:
Give lost my portmanteau t.
1 pity your grief. C.-My sermons
are in it. TT pity the thief. A
more modern and altogether more
Arkansaw way of holding similar
conversation would be: Give lost
my demijohn. TT pity your grief
C.-My whisky was in it. T.-Let's
look for the thief.
Il don't believe you have the water
of the right temperature. You must
get a thermometer" said an Austin
mother to the new colored nurse.
"What am dat?' Its an instrument
by which you can tell if the water is
too hot or too cold" IL kin tell dat
ar without any instrument Ef de
chile turns blue den de water am too
cold, and ef hit turns red den knows
dat de water am too hot
One of the two happy men who
skated with Mrs Langtry in Chicago
says she has Cockney accent, and
he reports the following conversation
to which she WIS party: Mrs.
LanStry, are You not disappointed
in ChicaSo?" Il am: its perfectly
'orrid town" "You can denounce it
all you please without offending me
l don't live here l know you like
Boston and New York?' "Ah. yes;
especially New York it reminds me
So much of Lunnon"
Il say. fellows" exclaimed Fosg,
nave you heard the news Brown
and his wife have separated No"
rs that so,' How did it come
about?' Il always thought it would
come to that" Guess it'll be better
for both of EN-" These were a few
of the expressions that fell from the
lips of the boys as they eagerly
crowded around Fogg. Yes" said
Fogg. the Browns have separated.
| saw Brown kiss Mrs. Brown good
by at the depot just now. He said
lie would be back tomorrow. The
crowd retired in disgust. The boys
were, OF course, terribly disappointed
Orce IN a while mention is made
IN the papers that Vanderbilt sent
S2o,o0O to the sufferers in the Ohio
10.