The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1883-11-28
HUMORS OF II DAY.

How singular that q baby's 1st 9th
should come 18th.
A nod thing in bonnets-A doing
woman in church.-NeW York. Journal.
A tramp called his shoes corporations
because they had nc oles.-Merchant
I1ureler.
Do clothes make the man My son,
they do. They make him mighty bash
full of his ailor.-Hawkeye.
An exchange remarks that the moon is
just right for buggy riding. No doubt
it is, but the average young man prefers
to ride with a pretty girl.-Burl'ngton
Free Press.
"a new industry in Norway is the can
ming of whales" 1t is not stated how
many whales are packed in each can;
but we shouldn't think the number was
over four. -Norristown Herald.
A Georgia man had every hair of his
head taken off by an electric bolt during
a thunder storm. a Philadelphia man,
hearing of this, said he knew now why
his wife's first name was Electra. -PhiM-
delpha Gull.
Did you give Johnny the medicine,
Mr.. Brownw asked the doctor. "Oh,
yes, DOCTOR" replied the loving mother;
and then she added innocently, ''and it
don't seem to have done him the least
harm.-Some,viM Journal.
Anti-viviscctionists argue that it gives
an oyster acute pain to open its shell
with a knife. Let us then sing to the
tender bivalvc, and when he .gazcs at US
in opcn-mouthed wonder we can kill him
with a club.-New York Commercial.
Herbert Spencer says Americans are so
driven by business that they never stop
to lcisurely examine anything. Guess he
never saw 500 or GOO Americans stand
ing around for two hours watching three
men raising an office safe to a fourth-story
window.-Boston Gazette.
"Have you brought your gimlet with
you?n "IIush, Johnny" said Mrs.
Yergcr. 600 to bed, sir, Remarked Col.
Ycrger. "What do you mean ?" asked
Gus. II don't mean muffin; except I
heard pa say you were coming up this
evening to bore us all."-7sras sy;tiAgs.
The awful prevalence Of pie in this
country is illustrated by the remark sent
to the Druuer by a grandfather, proud of
his grandchild of three years who is WIS.,
iting him. Enthroncd in her high chair,
she waited ut table for the appearance of
the dessert. The family pie was duly set
before grandma, and baby's eyes were
directed that way, when a small pie
made for her majesty was slipped before
her. Equal to the occasion, her eyes
dancing with delight, she burst out with,
ooh, %auntie, I'm mamma of this pie"-
Hnpcr's Drm~er.
Simply because a Dayton, Ohio, father
used Il horscwhip when he demonstrated
with a young man for hanging on his
front gate, the young man has brought
suit for damages, to find by what right
the father objected to his swinging on
the gate with his daughter. The old man
was right. lie knew that the gate-swing-
ing season was passed, and that the
young man was i'll danger OF catching
cold in the head. Then, when he cameto
help burn the oil and coal this winter,
his pesky snuffing and nose-blowing
would keep the indulgcnt father awake
all night. The father was right in pro-
t~ccting himself. -Pech's SIN.
1t is simply impossible for a fat man
to be Il real dude. lie may sport the
regulation collar; he may wear coats so
short that his vest shows beneath it, but
he can't be a successful dude. A dude
must have thin legs, a head shaped like
a pineapple. lie must have dimplcs be-
hind his ears and ears big enough to hide
them. Now Il fat man, achubby, plump
rotund youth, can never answer to these
specifications. lie cannot look sad and
vacant and bilious. He is bound to per-
spirc in weather like this; to get red in
the face and to fan himself. a dude
never p~crspircs or does any of those other
things. lie is always cool, always but
toncdu II, always impcrturbable-Ne" Or
Ituny TimcS-D Democrat.