Stephens City star. (Stephens City, Va.) 1881-1883, 1883-05-19
SPOOPEyDYKE.
tie BUYS n Printing Press and Trys to
Hun 1t, with Disastrous Results.

Tie Buys n Prtnttng Press Hhu lrys 10
Hun 1t, with Disastrous Results.
Spoopendyke came home one night
bringing u small bundle in his arms.
"Its printing press, on which I ex-
pect to do all my own printing here
AFTER" he said.
ooh. but isn't that lovely!' 1uttered
Mrs. Spoopendyke, dropping the stork
and rushing to her husbands side, "and
can't we do the loveliest things with it.
1t is the kind that the Herald and Sun
and all those papers are printed with.
"Oh, yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke,"
growled her husband, you've hit it ex-
actly. This is the verykind. got Mr..
Bennett to kindly try it on, 50 as to get
it the same size as the Herald is print
ed on"
"And will you print papers with
yours like Mr. Bennett and the other
editors ?" continued Mrs. Spoopendyke
timidly.
"Oh. but won't /, thought" yelled
her husband. "It needed dod gasted
female idiot to think of that, you've
struck the proper plan. Think you
can print 50x60 show bills with 3x4
press? Well, tell ye that ye can't.
Can ye get it into your measly head
that this is card press, and can only
print card three inches by four
inches ?"
"Well," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, II
suppose you can print visiting cards on
| it?" A>---~---f
eyes, Mrs Spoopendyke. can," said
her husband, in softer tone, and he
grew in much better humor as he
proceeded to show his wife the press
and exhibit his dexterity in the use of
the type and the press.
At last he got his worthy helpmeets
name set up in type, and proceeded to
put the chase on the press with grand
flourish. But in an evil hour he had
forgotten to key it up, and at touch
the whole business went to pi, and at
the next fell in confused mass all
over the carpet.
"Why, what makes it do that" said
Mrs. Spoopendyke, laughing.
"What makes it do what, Mrs. S..
sneered her husband as he hit his head
on corner of q tahle in mad dive
after the type. "What uye s'pose
makes it do it! What makes anything
do anythingp If 1 had your talent for
asking idiotic questions Id get a glass
of beer and three-incb paper collar,
and live out as prosecuting attorney
By this time the worthy gentleman
had got the name set up and securely
fastened, and was printing with great
gusto; but he had, unfortunately, set
the types in wrong order, and the first
eight perfumed visiting cards came
out like the following:
.ekydnepOopS .srM
When Mrs. Spoopendyke saw it she
set up little scream, "Oh, isn't that
funny, though? What makes it wrong
side up?"
"Funnyp' howled her husband, with
horrid derision as he grasped the stu
alton. "It's perfect thundsrbolt of
fun. It's the most delicious humorous
thing of the century. All you need is
an advertisement of liver pills on the
cover, and a joke about a goat on the
first page, to be a comic almanac.
With your appreciation of humor, all
you need is a broad grin and $4,000
worth of stolen diamonds, to be the !
leading comedienne of the American
boards. Can't you see the measly
types turned wrong? They have only
got to be turned round the other way
After half an hour of diligent labor
the types were again in position, Sc
curely keyed up, and put on the press.
When the final arrangements were
completed, Mr.. Spoopendyke turned
round to wink at the baby and incau-
tiously left his thumb ever the edge of
the press. AS luck would have it,
Mrs. Spoopendyke, in her anxiety to
show her husband how we'll she under
stood and appreciated the press, brought
the lever down and the press closed on
that gentleman's thumb, making him
jump four feet high, and utter an ex-
clamation that would have made the
second lieutenant of company of
pirates blush. "Dod CAST the measly
printing press" he shrieked. as he
the base burner with it, and
then he threw it in the alley. Haven't
ye got any sense scarcely? Why didn't
you 60 on with the entertainment ?
The measly thing only got as far as
the bone. Why don't ye finish the
chapterp" and Mr.. Spoopendyke
lanced up stairs, five atl.' tin..a, with a
parting injunction to hi wife to hire :,
'ut for slaughter-house.
"Well," said Mrs Spoopendyke, as
'he picked up the baby, and put a
pitcher of water where her husband