The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1883-04-05
The Spoopeudykes in Hamlet.


"Now, my DEAR" said Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, opening the book and as ,umirg
the correct dramatic scowl. Now, nv
dear, We'll rehearse our parts for
Specklewottle's theatricals. I'm to be
Hamlet and you're to be the Queen
and we want this thing to go Off about
right. The hardest part we have to
play together is where accuse you of
poisoning my father, and we had better
try that until we get it perfect. I'll
commence:
"'Nu,y, mother. what's the matterP'" :"
"Wela I was thinking whether had
better we.r my black silk or my maroon
suit" returned Mrs. Spoopendyke,
sticking her finger into her mouth re-
hectively. ''Do Queens wear-''
"Win you be kind enough to tell me
what pack of cards you got that idea of
a queen from?' demanded MIR. Spoop-
endyke, fixing his wife's eye with
glare. ''Do you suppose that Queen
sent for Hamlet to get his opinion
about bargains in dry goods? When L
say that you must say:
".Hamlet, thou hast thy father much
offended!' ="
20, 1 understand" pleaded Mrs
Spoopendyke. II thought you asked
me what was thinking about. didn't
know you had to commenced to play.
Try it again.
"Well, you be careful this time" rec
commended Mr.. Spoopendyke. in a tone
of solemn warning. 'tThis is play, this
is. Think you know the difference be-
tween a play and a bankrup. sale? Know
the difference between play and mil
linery shop opening? Now, FL begin
again and you try to do it decently."
Now, mother, what the matterP' :"
There's nothing the matter now,"
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. straighten-
ing up and preparing to be the Queen
as soon as her turn came, go on, dear,
understand it not"
''Say it, can't YEP" numbered Mr..
Spoopendyke. Haven Eye studied this
business? Don't ye know yer part?''
'.What shall say, dcar?' asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, looking at her husband
with dazed expression.
"Sayr' roared Mr.. Spoopendyke.
"Sing a hymn! If you don't know your
part, get off psalml Didn't tell you
what to sayp Look here" and Mr..
Spoopendyke lowered his voice to the
intense pitch. "Have you ever read
this playP Have you conceived any
kind of notion of what it's all about??'
.Why, yes," faltered Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. "You come in and stab Mr..
Specklewottle behind the ears, and I
scream. Isn't that right, dearp"
..Hear her?" moaned Mr.. Spoopen.
dyke, frothing at the mouth. .'Stab
Specklewottle behind the ears! That's
all right, now you scream! Scream, why
doh't you? You know so, much about
your part why don't you play itP''
"W-e-e-e-en' squealed Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, faithfully following instructions.
.'I knew l could do it right, as soon as
you showed me how. Will that do?''
80, that was queenlyn' snarled Mr.
Spoopendyke, dropping into chair and
regarding his wife with rolling eyes.
"Just do that again! Four of those
dramatic efforts will make this play the
greatest of modern entertainments! Dc
it once moren
s.It hurts my throat" complained Mrs
Spoopendyke. Cant we make it dc
with one scream, dear?"
'.Mrs. Spoopendyke, said her hus
band, with unnatural calmness, '"there's
been some mi.take made in this thing
You should have been cast for 'Ophelia.
That was the part intended for your
II would just as soon play it," mur
INJURED Mrs. Spoopendyke, who failed t.
zee the drift of her husbands remark
"What does he do?'
HE was an idiot from birth, ant
afterward went crazy" explained Mr.
Spoopendyke. THAT was the part fol
you"
"Then drather be Queen" returned
Mrs. spoopendyke, bridling a little
'.Now, dear, let's commence all over
and III do it right this time"
You can't do it WORSE" growled Mr.
Spoopendyke. 'rll try it once more
Just to see what kind of foolishness yol
Jan work Off"
"Now, mother, what's the matter?"
"We-e-e-e," giggled Mrs. Spoopen
dyke, satisfied that she was perfect thi
line. Hamlet, o Hamlet! We-e-e-er
Turn it off r' yelled Mr.. Spoopen
dyke. springing from his chair, ant
capering around the room as though
snake had bitten him. "Be quiet ant
break off the end. What the matter?'
"We-e-e-er' squealed Mrs. Spoopen
dyke. profoundly impressed with the ide'
that the play was still going on, and tina
she had at last mastered the intricacie.
of her part.
"Will We ever shut upp" gasped Mr.
Spoopendyke, madder than ever to thinE
his wrath was mistaken for acting
"Who ever told we to yell like that
Don't ye know anything at ALL scarcely
Think 'Hamlet's lunatic asylum? Go
some kind of a notion that the Queen $
fog horn? Where'd ye get your ide;
of this thing anyWayPn
II did just as you told me, dear
argued Mrs. Spoopendyke, completed,
taken aback by her husbands criticism
"You said l was to scream when yol
asked me what the matter was. Didn'
do it right?''
80, that was rightn' lowled Mr.
Spoopendyke. ''You struck the key
note of high art both times! With tina
yell and your knowledge of the text al
you want now is fire and free list tt
be theater with a restaurant attach
ment! The first time a show come:
around this way I'm going to fit you ou
with hair trunk and a pair of hoofs ant
start you up for a menagerie! Sucl
talent as that can't be wasted on an,
cheap Shakespeare plays while I've go
the money and influence to get you jol
in the legitimate circusr' and MIR. Spoop
endyke kicked the book through th'
window, peeled himself like a potato
and dove into bed with flop like /;
whale. e.-Brookiyn Eagle.
A New England boy of twelve stolt
i've dollars worth of articles from
dwelling house, and was sent for nine
years to the Reform School-which i
notorious for the cruelty of its discipline
The Boston Herald says that if he hao
been twenty-one years of age he woult
have got three months sentence.
Maine man deliberately killed his neigh
Dor not long since and was sentenced t.
eight years, or one year less than thi
boy had to suffer. .'In the sweet by ant
by" suggests the Herdld, .'this will not