The Portland daily press., 1883-02-07
His Pa Mortified.
The Bad Boy Relates Sunday Expert
ence.
LPeck's SUM-

lPeek's SUM-
s,What was the health officer doing over to
your house this morning." said the grocery
man to the bad boy as the youth was firing
frozen potatoes at the man who collects gerb-
age in the alley.
"They are searching for sewer gas and such
things, and they have got plumbers and other
society experts till You can't rest, and / came
away for fear they would find the sewer gas
and warm my jacket. Say, do You think 1t Is
right, when anything smells awfully, to always
lay it to boy?'
"Well, in nine cases out of ten they would
hit it right, but what do you think is the trou-
BILE over to your house, honest?"
fsS-h-hl Now don't breathe word of it to
a living soul, or 1 am dead boy You see
was over to the dairy fair at the exposition
building Saturday night, and when they were
breaking up, me and my chum helped to carry
boxes of cheese and firkins of butter, and
cheese man gave each of us piece of limburg-
or cheese, wrapped up in tinfoil. Sunday morn
ing opened my piece, and it made me tired
Oh, it was the offulest smell | ever heard of,
except the smell when they found a tramp who
hung himself in the woods the Whitewash
bay road, and had been dead three weeks. 1t
was just like old back-number funeral. Pa
and ma were just getting ready to 90 to church,
and I cut off piece of cheese and put it in the
inside pocket of pas vest, and I put another in
the lining of mas muf, and they went to
church. went down to church, too, and sat
on back seat with my chnm, looking just as
pious as though was taking up collection.
The church was pretty warm, and by the time
they got up to sing the first hymn, pas cheese
began to smell a match against mas cheese.
Pa held one side of the hymn book and
held the other, and pa ne always sings for all
that is out, and when he braced himself and
sung Just as AM ma thought pas voice
was tinctured with biiousness. and she looked
at him, and hunched him, and told him to stop
singing and breathe through his nose, cause
his breath was enough to stop clock. Pa
stopped singing and turned around kind of
cross towards ma, and then he smelled mas
cheese, and he turned his head the other way
and said 'whew,' and they didn't sing any
more, but they looked at each other as though
they smelled frowy. When they sat down
they sat as far apart as they could get, and pa
sat next to a woman who used to be nurse in
hospital, and when she smelled pas cheese
she looked at him as though she thought he
had the small pox and she held her handker-
chief to her nose. The man in the other end
Oh lue pow tUab ma SAL near, u6 was u stranger
from Racine who belongs to our church, and
he looked at ma sort of queer, and after the
a s @ t an vi Up o g ng again
he came by me he said something in a whisper
about a female glue factory. Well. sir, before
the sermon was over everybody in that part of
the church had their handkerchiefs to their
noses, and they looked at pa and ma scandal
lous, and the two ushers they came around in
the pews looking for dog, and when the min.
lister got over his sermon, and wiped the per-
SEPARATION off his face, he said he would like to
have the trustees of the church stay after
meeting, as there was business of importance
to transact He said the question of proper
ventilation and sewerage for the church would
be brought up, and that he presumed the con-
gregation had noticed this morning that the
church was unusually full of sewer gas. He
said he had spoken of the matter before, and
expected it would be attended to before this
He said he was meek and humble follower of
the Lamb, and was willing to cast his lot wher- |
ever the Master decided, but he would be |
blessed II he would preach any longer in
church that smelled like bone-boi]ing estab- |
lishment. He said that religion was a good
thing, but no person could enjoy religion as |
well in fat-rending establishment as
ne could IN flower garden, and as
far as he was concerned he had got
enough. Every body looked at everybody
else, and pa looked at ma as though he knew
where the sewer gas came from, and ma looked
at pa real mad, and me and my chum lit out
all round put slice in mas bureau drawer
down under her underclothes, and a piece in
the spare room, under the bed, and piece in
the bathroom, IN the soap dish, and slice in
the album on the parlor table, and piece in
the library, in a book, and went to the din
lng-room and put some under the table, and
dropped piece under the range in the kitchen.
tell you the house was loaded for bear Ma
came home from church first and when
asked where pa was, she said she hoped he
had gone to walk around block to air him
self. Pa came home Eto dinner, land then he
got smell at the house. and ma put a COM
Portable around her shoulders and told pa he
was a disgrace to civilization. She tried to
get pa to drink some carbolic acid. Pa finally
convinced ma that it was not him, and then
they decided that it was the house that smeled
so, as well as the church, and all Sunday after
noon they went visiting, and this morning pa
went down to the health office and got the in
spector OF nuisances to come up to the house,
and when he smelled around while, he said
there was dead rats in the main sewer nine.
and they sent for plumbers, and ma went ont
to a neighbours to borry some fresh air, and |
when the plumbers began to dig up the floor |
in the basement / came over here II thew |
find any OF the limbUrg cheese 1t will 20 hard |
with me. The hired girls have both Quit and |
ma says she is going to break up keeping house
and board. That is just into my hand I
want TO board at hotel where you can have 9
bill of fare and toothpicks and billiards and
everything. Well guess I will 80 over to the
house and stand in the back door and listen to
the hooking bird. If you see me come flying
out of the alley with my coat tail full Of boots
you can bet they have discovered the sewer |