The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1883-04-13
Dad Letters.


The astonishing number Of eighty
eight per cent. of all letters that come
to the Dead-letter Office is delivered to
the proper persons, and this, too, with
out opening them to see who is the
writer. This latter plan has been tried
and found wanting, only seventy-two
per cent. being delivered nnder that sys-
tenn. Twenty EIGHT per cent. OF all the
letters coming to this -olice IRE signed
with some pet name, giving no elew
whatever to their preper estimation:
Some of these pet names are rather odd
and inappropriate. 1t was not unusual
to find a letter beginning Darling
Chickabiddy" and ending with '.Your
Loving Pig" One letter, probably from
lady, began with the odd salhtation.
.'Dear Old Leather Breeches," and
closed with your Loving Patch on-the-
Seat" It.would be an interesting task
to trace the progress of this eourtship
from the introduction 70 the first christ
ening.
Not only are individual peculiarities
noticed in this Office, but even sectional
or provincial idiosyncrasacies. Thus the
Marylander generally lives in nothing
smaller, than county. Ask him his
address. and forty-nine out OF fifty will
respond, prince Georges" or Queen
AIMEE |" Charles County, or "Mont-
gomery County" They put two words
in their answer and never say county"
if its name be composed of two words
On the contrary, a Massachusetts man
gives you his town, but never, except on
reflection, adds the county. Thus "John
Adams lives in 'Braintree, Mass"
but Charles Carroll resides in prince
Georges, Nd" And thus with the
other States.
The work of simplifying the labor of
the clerks in their "blind reading" and
analysis has been prodigiously lightened
by Mr.. E. j. Dallas, the Superintendent
of the Office, who delights in the exercise
Of very high order of analysis, as born
mathematician exults in unraveling the
intricacies of a tangled knot OF comic sec
tons, or as strong man glories in feats
Of muscular strength. A couple of years
ago he compiled and published a street
directory, giving in compact shape the
names of the streets, avenues. alleys and
s.places" in all the free delivery cities Of
the country, so by reference to the book
the city in which certain street is To-
Gated may be determined at once. For
bearing this address: '.Stephen john
son, No. 30 Green Street, Springfield"
As there are a number of .'Springfields"
in the United States, it may well be sup
posed the clerks in the railway mail SER
vice were bothered. By reference tc
Dallas directory, however, it was seen
that of all the Springfields only .'Spring-
field, Mass" had a Green Street; hence
che letter was sent to that particular city,
and reached its destination. A still more
puzzling address was that of, "Wm. L.
Moore, ESQ.,, Common Street, between
Bail and Franklin" Here both city and
State were omitted. A reference to Dali
las directory showed that New Orleans
is the only city in which all these streets
can be found. Mr.. Moore accordingly
got his letter. An envelope, with the
words blouse of Representatives. in
small printed capitals in the lefthapd,
upper corner, was received, bearing the
address: NV. II. -Shelmire, Esq, 720
SAMSON Street, Washington, ID. c."
The writing was too good to be that of
member of Congress. so the suppose
ton was it was his clerks. The mistake
in geography was natural enough for a
Congressman and for Congressman's
clerk. so the dead-letter Office delivered
the letter in Philadelphia. the only city
which has '.Sansom" Street.
At first sight the following address,
written as only an Austrian Slovak could
write. seems puzzler: ''.Mr. Anton
Fedlicka, Zion Plejs, No. II North
America" 1t wasn't a circumstance to
the beautiful and talented young lady
clerk in the Dead-Letter Office who
handled it. "Zion's Plejs'' was evil
IDENTIFY 'Zion's Place." 1t was evident
til re was only one city in the country
wi.ose inhabitants were pious and moral
er. ,ugh to have a place for Zion in theiI
mist. so the letter was instantly sent
to Chicago.
4 letter was received at this Office adj
dressed, in a somewhat Struggling, not
to say picturesque chirogapby, to MIR.
Alert Mcfendon, Clay Uigg ga tefe fair
county" That was all Republican,
re porter could make of it. even after
liking at it through his spectacles re-
versed. The young lady clerk, with
ey es brilliant enough to illuminate even
1arker subject. glanced att a moment
aid read: Sc Mr.. Albert McLendOn,
Claysviile, Telfair County, Ca" As the
r. porter had been very positive that the
address was in phonetic Choctaw he felt
S, mewhat discouraged when the above
rHading was made. 1t was astonishing,
alter the true rundering had been an
nDunced, how very plain the address
seemed.
Still another envelope had been adj
dressed by an Italian, and read thus
pea Pizbriac ;.lle Mani del Signor Clio
sani Neolrezi veaginai Malatesta No.
81" When punctuation marks had beer
given out at school the writer OF the
above was playing truant and did not
get his share. l. consequently looked
IS dubious as a theological dogma after
discussion in Pan-Evangelical council
But the young lady VINO tackled it Is
famous for knitting the most extraordi-
nary tatting that the office has ever seen,
20 she went att with confidence. Fort
unately, she had never studied Italian
and hence was free from any entaugling
alliances. The first word seemed plain
enough: the second at first trial resolved
itself into .'pistachio," and the third was
evidently Galley" Hence she read
peanut Alley" But this didn't har-
monte with the rest Of the sentence, and
there was no legally named peanut
alley'' in the country. She tried again
Being Baptist, and having thousand
times when a Sunday school girl been
taught by her pastor that the Greeks
spelled s.baptizo." and pronounced
''baptidzo." she remembered this, and