Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1883-03-21
FLASHES OF WIT.


FLASHES OF WIT.
SPELL BOUND: Stuck en- word at a
spelling match.
soNe Of the nihilist-'' Twinkle, twin
kle, little Czar."
SHOWERS get the drop on man Who
is not armed with an umbrella.
THERE is horse in Williamsport so
balky that he won't draw his own
breath.
The contrary nature of the oil trade
Is shown in the fact that when the re-
gion produces we'll the market gets
sick.
A LAD crawled into sugar hogshead
and the first exclamation was, "Oh, for
thousand tongues. y Wilmington
NeWs.
"EvERY cloud has silver ining,"
but that goes for nothing unless you
wear the cloud inside out.-BWrlinyto1a
HuaOkeye.
Condensed elephants milk is the new
tonic. 1t should be taken by drummers,
as it doubtless develops trunks--N. Y.
Com. Adv.
The famous Boston Musical Associa-
tion has given the Messiah seventy-four
times. It ought to know how to Han
del 1t by this time.
The compositor who set up "gobblin
turkeys" for "Gobelin tapestries
should give thanks that he is permitted
to live-N. Y. Conn.
A PAPER heads column of personals
AG oh Snlv :
not very gallant or gentlemanly way OF
referring to the other sex.
"l'D have people know I'm nobody's
FOOL" said Henderson. "ln other
Words" remarked Fogg, "you're your
own master. .''-Boston transcript.
Now that Gorringe has left the navy,
he ought to tell just where he left it, so
| that his successor may not waste the
| whole summer in looking for it.-Troy
Budget.
A CHICAGO paper thinks that if Presi-
dent Boice, the Jersey City bank wreck
er, who is ironing his shirts in the Tren-
ton prison, is not watched he may steal
the buttons.
WHEN man puts his hat on the floor
| and ten minutes later mistakes it for a
cuspadore, the funniest story ever told
would not bring a smile to his lips
Boston Post.
HISTORY 1--WE don't know whose,
though, ,)-"George, prithee tell me
| what is the saponaceous compound COM
posed of ?" "Martha, do not know; I
cannot tell lye."
A PHILADELPHIA baker is having new
oven built which he thinks will beat the
world. It is modelled after modern
hotel, only the central flue has no eleva-
"WBY," asked a goyerness of her iit-
tie charge, ''do we pray to God to give
us our daily bread. Why don't we ask
for four or five days, or week?" "Be-
cause we want it fresh" replied the in
genious child.-York Age.
A MAKEUP that would be popular:
Eyes" said the man in the theater gal
lc,y, "the make-ups we're generally fair,
but there was one makeup chat l should
like to sea- makeup for lost time be-
tN cen the acts. .'-Bosto,a Transcript.
TELEGRAPH wires are SO numerous on
some of the streets in this city that peo.-
ple living on fourth floor fat can sift
their ashes by merely throwing them
against the net work. ~ Y. Com.
Ado.
In Lexington, KY, there is five,
column paper edited by aten-year-old
youth. It will soon be ten-column
Journal and have the appearance OF be-
ing run by five-year-old boy. There
are lots of reverses in journa}ism.-EI.
i A SUBURBAN plumber, when called on
to stop leak in pipe, puts dried
apple in the hole. It swells in twenty
four hours, and then there is another
burst. A rival is then, of course, called
in. and they divide The bill of expenses
between them.
IT takes twenty blows of hammer
in the hands of O woman to drive ten
penny nail three inches. She misses the
nail twice where she hits 1t once. how
many blows does she strike in all, and
how far can her voice be heard when she
strikes her thumb.
4 A LITTLE boy was out with his big
: brother shooting. They came to 9
churchvard. There, in tree, an ow!
was sitting. The boy with gun shot
it. to the horror of his little brother,
who exclaimed: :'Oh, Tommy! wha
have you been and done? You have
= been and shot a cherrybum!
q PRoFEssoR- my dear madam, the
; proeress of modern astronomy is as
. founding. We know the distance %
. tween the sun and the planets within
: few thousand miles" Madam" Yes
professor; but think Of it; that we know
r even the names of all these distant lum
= inaries."
PROHIBITION item: "Wake me up
q darling. tonight and give me toddy,
said an Austin inebriate to his wife, .
thev were about to retire for the night
). "But how will I know when you wan
= one?" "You can't make mistake.
: am always thirsty when am woke up.
n --7e1as SVtings.
J, PoET-"B my dear sir, it is no!
: four years since you accepted my eP9'
l. and no steps have yet been taken to Put
d lish it, Publisher-"Don't be IN
e hurry. young man, Homer had to wa
= more than three thousand years befor
's he got into print. and you will hardi,
It claim that your poem is an Iliad.-fvs<
d geade Blatter.
+ A WITTY nobleman once asked a cler
9 cal gentleman at the bottom of the tab
d why the goose, when there was one, WI
d always placed next to the parso'
II Really, my lord," said the clergyman
,. "your question is somewhat difficult
n answer, and 80 remarkably odd that
'e VOW I shall never see q goose aga
70 without being reminded of your lor'
y ship"
D.; WHILE Robert Burns was at Moft
"a once, with Clark, the composer, the po
n called for q bumper of brandy. 80
r not q bumper" said the musician.
1e prefer two small glasses" "Two sm'
j. ). glasses!' cried Burns. Why, You .
u like the lass in Kyle, who said she won
y. rather be kissed twice bareheaded tn
to once with her bonnet on. ."-Z0nd