The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1883-07-16
WIT AND HUMoR.

y
YARD is where YOU will see most of it.
1t does rather stir us the bile of a col
lege president to speak of him as run
ming a dude factory.
We read in an Alabama paper that
"A Mississippi murderer tried suicide
on the gallows.' He should have tried
1t on himself and not on the gallows.
Bob Burdette says that his invalid
wife made him all he is. That's right;
blame it to your wife oman'S Jour
nal.
A Cleveland paper suggests Bridge
1t as an appropriate name for the
united metropolis of New York and
Brooklyn
A Pittsburg female physician says;
women can understand women. " All
we've got to say is, if she can she's
mighty smart,
II woman loses her voice driving out
chickens, could she be called a black
smith, She certainly would be hoarse-
shewer.
No, my son, do not learn to be an I'M
dertaker. If you settle in a healthy
town you will starve. If you start in an
unhealthy town you may die yourself.
Whoever doubts that newspapers have
a mission should enter a car and see
how useful they are to the men when a
fat woman with big basket is looking
around for seat
Girl graduates in England wear
gowns precisely like those worn by uni.
versity men, and made by the same tail
or. The only way to tell which from
t'other is to wait for mouse.
Lightning recently struck telegraph
pole and ran along into the Office al
Coatesville, Indiana, when the operator
seated at the instrument excitedly
telegraphed back: Don't send so fast >
Il was so mad at George last night, ,
said a girl of her sweetheart. Yes, >
said her ill-natured brother, Il noticed
when / looked in the parlor you were uE
in arms
The spelling reform mania which
ragged short time since has passed
away, and the man who spells COW with
a k can no longer pass for Greek
scholar.
A committee of ladies decorated the
Methodist church at Gardner, Maine.
Among the notices they put on the wal
was the effete text: 1T is not good fol
man to be alone"
Squibnocker is the name OF new
postoffice in Massachusetts. The State
has long felt the want of some sucl
thing, and will now fold her hands anC
grin with contentment
When the steward of the almshoust
measures out to the wretched pauper,
the bogus butter, sanded sugar and glu
cose maple syrup, he turns his eyes alof
and solemnly says: ITO the poor al
things are pure.
1t costs 81, 200 for a young man to ge
a moderate outfit for farming in Iowa
but all a woman needs to run home
stead in Dakota is an oil stove, three
hens and q rooster. - WaUeyly Repubh.
can.
In order to become a successful news
paper man, the young fellow aspiring tt
be an editor should first serve an APP
premiership in boiler shop, in order tc
accustom himself to work in the mids'
of continuous noise.
A wicked husband: .'Oh, dear!' sigh
ed Mrs p. with toothache. WHY
can't people be born without teeth?'
IF you will reflect moment, my dear,
replied Mr. F., you will be convinced
that such is the fact
MARY must have a summer bonnet,
remarked Mrs. Rather to her husband
this morning, and l think / will have
my old straw pressed over for her. - "a
chip off the old block, suppose, re
joined r.
A fast youth asked at. city restau
rant: What have you got?" "Almos
everything" was the reply. ''Almos
everything? Well. give me plate Of
that" Certainly Hashr' screamed
the waiter
Yes said the deacon, 1.-the Organist
certainly did play opera-bouffe airs and
the can-can in his voluntary yesterday.
But, dear me. | can't kick up a row
about it without giving myself away
by showing that recognize the music
Cincinnati is as far from being the
Paris of America as pig-sty Is from
being a Paradise. but it can get more
aoise out of brass band than any
other city in the world -BroO&tyn Ba
gle.
A little fellow going to church for the
first time where the pews We're very
high, was asked on coming out wha
he did in church, when he replied; 9.
went into a cupboard and took seat OF
the shelf
Epitaph of an Arizona man who
loved his neighbors horses not wisel!
but too well, and who was also bad il
other ways: He was pretty mean il
some respects-but then he was meane
in others.
my Watch Below" is the singula
title of the last novel. The writer
timepiece had probably, by reason of
hole in his pocket, found its way to hi
boot via pants leg.-Pittsbarg Tete
graph.
'Some men unpleasantly comb thei
mustache at the table, remarks 4 writ
err. This is cruel, and the society TO
the prevention of striking mustache
when they are down should suppress
such an exhibition. York AdUer
tiSer.
A piece of her mind, Il would like t
see Mrs. Smith. said Mrs. Brownloe
I'D give her piece of my mind.
quite generous OF you, remarked he
friend; ''but perhaps she would neye
find any more use for it than you have
Mrs. Brownloe.
A, Tennessee landlord has Just bee
forced to pay 800 for kissing an Ind
ana woman who was guest at his he
tel As it is only ten cents to kiss th
prettiest girl at church fair, this ma
will never cease to kick himself for h
financial folly.
The New York San says that ever
lady in the land should know how t
swim. 1t might be just as well to hav
all the men learn how to swim frs
then they could have the fun of teach
ing the women at the seashore, in sun
1