The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1883-12-08
OTTAWA FREE TRADER, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1858.
"Miss Fitzio, AWARE YOU noe iondl

MISS fltZlol AWARE YOU not fond
ut etchings-aw--you know they are
duced clever-some of them arcP' "Ah,
yes, indeed, Mr.. Featherweigh, And
do you know there is something abou,
YOU that reminds me very much OF an
ctchingp' What, really aw-how
charming" Yes. There is about
YOU such Il foggy suggestion of some
thing that isn't there. YOU know"
A self-acting sofa. just large enough
for two, has been invented. Ii proper.
ly wound up it will begin to ring q
warning bell just before 10 o'clock. Al
! minute after 10 it splits apart. and
while one half carries the daughter OF
the house upstairs the other haf kicks
her young man out of doors. They
will come high, but people must have
them.
Don't you forget, exclaimed n man,
arising during II discussion, that l lay
over the deck. "Do YOU mean that
you can whip me?" replied long.
haired Arkansas man, also arising.
mo, sir" said the first speaker. Then
what do you mean when you say you
Law over the deck?' Il mean that |
am steamboatman, and sleep in the
pilot-house."
"Are you to take astronomy next
term, Elise?" inquired classmate OF
her young friend. Hardly. But Au.
gustus is giving ME splendid astronomi.
cal lessons during the vacation" ''Isn't
that nice? Has he textbooks and an
atlas?" 80 Louise. my dear! He says
I'm all the world to him. and when ]
lean my head on his shoulder he is my
Atlas
Chorus of excited boys: Then the
lightning struck you9' Skipper Gndif-
ferently): "Oh, yes, was leanin' agin
the mainmast when it struck it," Ex-
cited boys: Didn't it kill youo" Skip.
per (more inditferently): wal, no; it
all run down my back Excited boys:
''And what did you do then?' Skipper
(most indiflorcntly): II had to haul
off my boots and pour the lightning out
on the deck"
The youth of to-day who is thinking
about entering upon some profession
that will most rapidly lead to fame and
fortune, must be greatly perpleXed
whether to decide in favor of becoming
prize fighter, base ball pitcher or o
champion rover. And there is danger
that while thus hesitating he may be
persuaded to throw his talents away on
the law, medicine, or literature, and
become mere nobody. NorriStoWn
Herald.
II brought my aunt into the city to-
day to show 'er round" said Il rustic to
a Boston police officer, land she's got
vnder tired walkin', so | wauter find
me place where she kin sit down an
tst bit and have bite of suthing to
ext. Kin yer direct me to any placer"
Certainly responded the representa-
tive of Boston's aesthetic and litcraryI
police force. What you want is 4 rest
your aunt. Go right into that eating
saloon" The pair went in.
Culran was once defending On attor.
ney's bill of costs before Lom Glare.
Here, now,' said the judge, sis o.
flagitious imposition; how cal you de-
fend this item, Mr.. Curran? 10 writ
ing innumerable letters, fl00.' "
why, my Lord. said Curan, moth
ing can be more reasonable IL is mol
q penny U Iciter,' And Crran's reply
to Judge Robinson is exquisite in its
way: "Tll commit you, sir, said tn,
Judge. II hope you'll never commit 1
worse thing, my Lord reto,tcd Cur
ran.
A little Mexican joke from tn, MoW-
tor of the Capital city of that ountry:
Ambitious pupil to professor of nathe-
mates; "A man half alive equals
man half dead; is it not SOP l M. i:
Yes, scnor.' A. F.: al stat the
proposition on the blackboard .hus:
j alive equals ] dead p. NJ: The
equation is correctly stated. A. p. {:
suppose now, that each quantity be
increased or decreased in the same no.
portion, the relation of equality Will
remain unchanged, will it not'' :. n:
Yes, senior" A. T.: "lhcr2fors, o,a
alive equals one dead F. NJ. "9noub
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