Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-01-22

David Fender, popping the question"
in letter, concluded thus: s'And should
you say yes, dear Mary, l will truly be
your d. Fender"
There are 100000 grown people in
this country who can neither read nor
write, but when it comes to talking about
the nonsense of our public school system
they can make themselves heard half a
mile away.
A clergyman at an afternoon service,
was asked to reed notice for woman's
rights lecture, which he did in this wise;
"At half past six O'Clock, at the school
house in the first district, hen will at
tempt to crow.
81 have been married now," boasted a
prosy old fellow, "more than thirty
years, and have never given my wife a
cross word.'' ''That's because you never
dared, uncle" said little nephew who
lived with them. ''If you had, auntie
would have made you jump
An old Methodist preacher, going to
one of his appointments, met friend
who was one of the magistrates of the
do as the Savior did-ride an ass. ''Be-
cause" said the divine, ''the people have
taken them all to make magistrates Of"
$50 you have twins at your house, -
| said Mrs. Bezumbe to Little Tommy Sam
| uelson. eyes mum, two of 'em." '|What
are you going to call them?" 'Thunder
and Lightning" "Why, those are strange
names to call children" "Well, that's
what pa called them as soon as he heard
they were in the house."
We have just found out where the term
"drummer" originated 1t is from the
Arabic word ''Drumerdery." The drom
edary is the ship OF the desert, makes
long trips that nothing else on earth coul(
stand, and in fact gets over more grount
in a given space of time than any othel
animal. The only difference is that th'
dromedery drinks enough ahead to las
him the whole trip.
Lititz small. l.Eboy called it 'look-in
glass; when his father said: cit ism
slook-in-g glass;" it is mirror. p" "Why
don't you have to look in it if you wan
to see yourself, asked the boy. Eyes.
''Well, then, it must be 'look-in-glass.'
'Wife,' said the old man, ''I'm afrait
that boy is shaping himself for a minstre
or u funny newspaper paragrapher. Wee
better put him to some trade soon if w
want to save him."
"What ails.. this heart of mine?" is tn
heading of a story that is going the round
of the papers. We suppose he saw hi
girl out riding with another fellow. Their
is nothing that will make the heart get u
and pound the ribs and carom on the vita
parts and jump up and down like chur
dasher, and then get tired and keep S
still you think it has stopped beating fol
ever, as to see your girl out riding wit
another fellow, we are told.
A one-legged Yankee orator name
Jones was pretty successful in banterin
an Irishman, when the latter asked him
''How did you come to lose your leg?
SWELL" said Jones, son examining m
pedigree, and looking up my descent,
found there was some Irish blood in m,
and becoming convinced that it had Sc
tied in that left leg, had it cut off {
once" ''Be the powers, said Pat, g
would have been better thing if it ha
settled in your head.'
Perhaps no medicine is so universally required a:
i good Swaynes Pills prepared express
to meet this necessity. being composed of purely We
" etable ingredients Of which podophyll;n mandral
n sarsaparilia, yellow dock and other concentrat
Juices largely into their composition the wht
\ strength of which is extracted entirely M
principle The, are mild in their operation. and a
truly valuable aperient and anti-bilious medicil
They stimulate the liver healthy action clean
the stomach and bowels of all impurities. Curl
III sick and nervous headache, dyspepsia indiges
% biliousness fevers. drowsiness, colds aching pail
" slight chills with flashes of heat, and female irrel
. arities. For bilious and costiye habit medic
is sc prompt and efeetual. Mailed on receipt of pr
-.