The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1883-03-23
WIT AND HUMOR.


The hog-raiser like the vintaer. is known
by his swine.-f Boston Transcript.
What does Lent amount to? Keeping
social and other raekets ont of ali the news
papers, Judge.
They are now experimenting with paper
as a substitute for steel rails, Why not2
Rails are stationary,-[S. +. Newsletter.
He marched in like lion, and limped
out IKE lamb with the rheumatism. He
had seen the editor.
Weather prohets accomplish some good
IN the world after all. They can scare of
spring poets Tor time.-t Lowell Citizen.
This is the age of invention, and yet no
one mas discovered how to varnish calico
dress SO it will pass for silk.-TChronicle-
Herald.
When a man is welded to his own ideas
he cannot be arrested for bigamy unless il
60 be shown that he has more than one
idea.
What curious language! A man is late
when he is dead and gone, and train ia
late when it hasn't come.-[Transcript
| Boston.
reporter who has hit some people
pretty hard in this community now writes
on nothing but wrapping" paper.--IS, +.
Newsletter.
sailor need have no trouble in ascer-
tanning the time. He can always refer TO
the larboard watch. Post Express,
/ Rochester.
The yong mans fancy now lightly turns
to thoughts of whether that same pretty
waiter girl will be at the hotel where he
stopped last summer Lowell Citizen.
A lady by the name of Bakeoven died In
Philadelphia recently According to the
eternal It'll ess of things the body should be
cremated.-lBoston Transcript,
An Ohio fanatic has introduced bill to
prevent drunkenness, by hanging every
one engaged III it. The scheme won't work
Liquor dealers have been hung uD too
often to fear such a law.-[New York
Judge.
We shall be very sorry when the two.
cent postage rate comes into force. 1t will
then be more difficult to accumulate wealth
from the stamps sent by poets who wish
their MSS. returned.-[Lowell Citizen.
A debating society in Iowa has one hun
dred and nincly-six bylaws to be observed
respected aud obeyed. How man car
, possibly spit on the stove when the society
IS III session is something We can't tackle
Detroit Free Press.
A Virginia weekly, which has been rur
, eient years without skip, bought III
t second new towel the other day, the ole
one being rather stiff with age. A gooC
crash towel ought to last printing Office
! ten years. Detroit Free Press.
The latest news from Ecuador is that tn,
last government lasted Just five minutes
The inhabitants are nov clamoring for ,
: fresh one every hour, but many LIBERAL
think this too long term to be consstpn
; with perfect freedom, and step toward DIES
! lpotism.- Puck.
The most impatient man we ever hear,
/ Iof was the freight brakeman who commit
, ted suicide out west the other day. If h
could only have been willing to wait five o
. ten minutes-but there, there some mel
n never can wait for the slow movements o
f the inevitable Boston Transcript.
r A Judge having fallen asleep during
A trial, Lawyer y suddenly ceased plcadin!
/ and exclaimed; 81 will wait until hi
4 honor wakes before finishing But,
4 answered the opposing counsel, "perhap
l. his honor will wait until you have hnishe,
i before waking, ~ From the French.
\ A pointer Boss, sposon you was te
l. miss, some mornlu', dat ar pure pinter do
q what YOU paid $500 tor, how much woul
: you gifme eff fetched him back to We
= house on Austin avenue" asked Sam John
+ sing. 81 expect would give you ten do
IS lars, replied Colonel Nerger, thoughtlu,ly
: well, den, boss, ies han out dat ten do
o lars now and yer won't miss dat dog, in tn
@ tust place, Hit will sabe yer heap
$ anxiety about de pup. n-TTexas Siltings
: Cincinnati consumes 100 gallons of waite
per day, and the Oil City Blizzard man say
he is fairly wild to know what they use /
for. Under ordinary circumstances W
would permit this to pass without notice
u but when an oil country citizen shows
e desire to know something about water,
is the duty of everybody, who makes
F." speciality of the subject, to loose his tlooC
70 gate of information. This water is used !
Cincinnati for washing beer glass;
p. Post Express, Rochester,
IA Funnler than was intended; At q receI
dinner party there were two sisters present
one widow who had Just emerged froI
,, her weeds, the other not long married
u whose husband had lately goue to India 70
short term. A young lawyer PRESENT wa
y deputed to take the young widow in I
Of dinner. Unfortunately he was under tn
impression that his partner was the MAJ
,e ried lady, whose husband had just arrive
IS in India. The conversation between ther
commenced by the lady remarking no
y. warm II was for the season of the yea
y Eyes, i. is quite warm" replied the Law
- yer. Then happy thought suggeste
itself to him, but he added, with II chez
o. full smile; But not as hot as the place
& which your husband has gone" The loo
n. with which the lady answered his livel
y sally will haunt that unhappy man till h