Savannah morning news. [volume] (Savannah) 1868-1887, 1883-08-22
A THOUSAND WIVES
The Bad Boys Ideas Regarding the
Wisdom of Solomon.


Wisdom of Solomon.
Ni1scaukee san.
s'Sit down on the ice box" said the boy
to the grocery man. "What you need is
rest. You are oyerwOrked. Your alleged
brain is equal to wilted lettuce, and it
can devise ways and means to hide rot
ten peaches under good ones, so as to sell
them to blind orphans, but when il comes
to grasping great questions your small
brain cannot comprehend them. Your
brain may go up sideways to great ques-
ton, and rub against it, but it cannot
surround it and grasp it. That's where
you are deformed. Now, it is different
with me. | can raise brain to sell to you
grocery men. Listen This Solomon is
credited with being the wisest man, and
yet history says he had thousand wives.
Just think of it, You have got one wife
and pa has got one, and all the neighbOrs
have one, if they have had any kind of
luck. Does not one wife make
you pay attention? Wouldn't two
wives break you up? Wouldn't three
cause you to see stars? How
would ten strike you? Why, man alive,
you do not grasp the magnitude of the
statement that Solomon had a thousand
wives. A thousand wives, standing side
by side, would reach about four blocks.
Marching by tours it would take them
twenty luiHllcS " pass gwen point. Inc
largest summer resort hotel only holds
five hundred people, so Sol would have
had to hire two hotels if he took his wives
out for a day in the country. If YOU
would stop and think once in a while you
would know more.''
The grocery mans eyes began to stick
out as the bad boy continued, as though
the statistics had never been brought to
his attention before, but he was bound to
stand by his old friend Solomon. and he
said: "Well, SOlomOn's wives must have
been different from our wives of the pre-
sent day.
''Not much," said the boy, as he see he
was paralyzing the grocery man. ''WOmen
have been about the same ever since Eve.
She got mashed on the old original dude.
and it stands to reason that SOlOmon's
wives were no better than the mother of
the human race. Statistics show that one
woman, out of every ten is red headed.
That would give Solomon an even hun
dred red-headed wives. Just that hun
dred red-headed wives would be enough
to make an ordinary man think
that there was land that is fairer than
this. Then there would be. out
OF the other nine hundred, about three
hundred blondes, and the other six hun
dred would be brunettes, and maybe he
had few albinos and bearded women
and fat women and dWarfs. Now, those
thousand women had appetItes, desires
for dress and style, the same as other wO-
men. Imagine Solomon saving to them,
''Girls, let's all 90 down to the ice cream
saloon and have dish Ofic cream" Can
you, with your brain muddled with cod
fish and new potatoes, realize the scene
that would follow? Suppose, after Solo
mons broom brigade had got seated in
the lce-creamery, one of the red-head-
ed wives should catch Solomon
Winking at strange girl at another ta-
BILE. You may think Solomon did not
know enough to wink, or that he was not
that kind of a tlirt. but he must have been
or he could never have succeeded in mar
rying a thousand wives, in a sparselv
settled country. No, sir, it looks to me
as though Solomon in all his glory, was
an old masher, and from what | have
seen of men being bOssed around with
one wife, don't envy Solomon his thou
sand. Why, just imagine that gang of
wives going and ordering fall bonnets.
Solomon would have to be a King,
or Vanderbilt to stand it.
Ma wears So silk stockings, and
pa kicks awfully when the bill comes
in. Imagine Solomon putting up for
few thousand pair of silk stockings. l
am glad you will sit down and reason
with me in rational way about some of
these Bible stories that take my breath
away. The minister stands me off when
| try to talk with him about such things.
and tells me to study the parable of the
Prodigal Son, and the deacOns tell me
to go and soak my head. There
is darn little encouragement for a
boy to try and figure out things.
How would you like to have a thousand
red-headed wives coming into the store
this minute and tell you they wanted YOU
to send carriages around to the house at
3 O'Clock, so they could go for a drive?
Or how would you like to have a hired
girl come rushing in and tell you to send
up SIX hundred doctors, because six hun
dred of your wives. had been taken with
cholera mOrbus? Or
SO, don't mention it, said the grocery
man with a shudder. 81 wouldn't take
Solomon's place and be the natural pro-
tectOr of a thousand wives if ANYBODY
Would give me the earth. Think of get
ting up in a cold winter morning and
building thousand tires Think of two
thousand pair of hands in fellows hair!
Boy, you have shown me that Solomon
needed a guardian over him. He didn't
have sense
YES" says the boy: ''and think of two
thousand feet, each one as cold as a brick
of chocolate ice cream. a man would
want back as big as the fence to a fair
ground. But | don't want to harrow up
yourfeelings. must go and put some arni-
ca on pa. He has gone home and says he has
been to summer resort on vacation,
and he is all covered with blotches. He
says it is mosquito bites, but ma thinks
he has been shot full of bird-shot by some
watermelon farmer. Ma hasn't got any
sympathy for pa because he didn't take
her alOn0.r