Union County courier. [volume] (Elk Point, Union County, D.T. [S.D.]) 187?-1913, 1883-02-07
McWillialns and the BurglA
Alarm.
mark Twain.


and pleasantly along from weather
to crops, from crops to literature
from literature to scandal, from
scandal to religion; then took q afkln.
bling jump and landed on the NIB.
ject OF burglar alarms. And nov
for the first time, Mr.. McWilliams
showed feeling Whenever / ssee
this sign on this mans dial, / cvln
prehend it and lapse into silence
and give him an opportunity "a u,,.
laal ha hsart, Said liz, viii bu,
Uncontrolled emotion:
II do not 60 one cent on burglar
alarms, Mr.. Twain-not one single
cent-and | will tell you why.
When we were finishing our house
we found We had a little cash left
over, on account Of the plumber not
knowing it. l was for enlightenine
the heather with it, for / was al
ways down on the heathen some
how; but Mrs. McWilliams said no,
let's have a burglar alarm 4
agreed to this compromise. / will
explain that whenever | want a
thing, and when Mrs. McWilliams
wants another thing, and we decid
ed upon the thing Mrs. McWilliams
wants-as we we always do-shh
calls that compromise. Very well
the man came up from New York
and put in the alarm, and charged
three hundred and fifty dollars ior
it, and said we could sleep without
uneasiness now. So we did for n
while-say a month. Then one
night we sm.elled smoke, and l was
was advised to get up and see what
the matter was. | lit candle and
started towards the stairs, and met
with a burglar coming out If a
room with basket Of tinwarp,
which he had mistaken for Sold
silverware in the dark. He was
smoking a pipe. | said, MY friend
NE do not allow smoking in this
ROOM He said he was a stranger
and could not be expected to know
the rules of the houss; said he had
been in many houses as good as this
one, and that it had never been OH
jected to before He added that as
far as his experience went, such
rules had Fever been considered to
apply to burglars any way.
II said: Smoke along, then, if it
is the custom, though 1 think that
tie conceding of a privilege to a
burglar which is denied to a
bishop is conspicuous sign Of the
looseness of the times. But waiv-
ing all that, what business have you
to be entering this house in the fur
tive clandestine way, without ring
ing the burglar alarm?"
''He looked confused and asham-
ed, and said. with embarrassment:
1 beg thousand pardons, did
not know you had a burglar alarm
else | would have rung it. / beg
you will not mention it where my
parents will hear of it, for they are
old and feeble, and such seeming
ly wanton breach of the hallowed
conventionalities of our civilization
might all too rudely sunder the
frail bridge which hangs darkling
between the pale and evanesccnt
present and the solemn great depths
Of eternities. May l. trouble you
for match p
II said: Your sentiments do
you honor, but if you will allow me
to say it, metaphor is not your best
hold. Spare your thigh; this kind
light only on the box, and seldom
there in fact if my experience may
b, trusted. But to return to bust
ness; how did you get here?
Through a second story win
dow
ut was even so. / redeemed the
the tinware Mt pawnbroker's rates,
less cost of advertising, babe the
burglar goodnight. closed the win
dow after him, and retired TO head
quarters to report. Next morning
we sent for the burglar alarm man,
and he came up and explained that
the reason the alarm did lot "go off
was that no part Of the house but
the first floor was attached to the
alarm. This was simply idiotic;
one might as well have no armor at
all III battle MS to have it only on
his legs. The expert now put The
whole second story on tile alarm,
charged three hundred dollars for it,
and went his way. BY and BY, one
night found burglar in the third
story. about to start down 4 ladder
with a lot Of miscellaneous prop
Hty.
My first impulse was to crnck
his head witt billiard-cue; bu.
my second was to refrain from this