Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1883-12-31

Coo-hoo GOO -hoo-oo,
Yes, thy love is true,
Thy love is loyal everywhere.
81 never do anything by halves" as the
man said when be borrowed dollar.
If a man is careful in printing kiss he
can generally make good impression.
A commercial traveller is known by the
tooth brush which he carries in the upper
pocket of his vest.
Curmudgeon, who gever gets what he
wants, says he prefers Christmas absence
to Christmas presents.
If a Connecticut man is modest and
wishes to avoid notice he can gain his
point by simply numbering a woman.
Probably the meanest thing q man ever
said was uttered by Fogg the other day.
Being asked his idea of the best remedy
for polygamy, he promptly replied, ''Mrs.
Fogg."
There are some marriages which re-
mind us of the poor fellow who said
''She couldn't get any husband and l
couldn't get any wife; so we got mars
ried.'
A woman may be perfectly angelic, and
as patient as patient can be, and still not
be able to look calmly on while her hus-
band draws a match along a picture.
frame to light his pipe.
II can marry any girl that 1 please, u
he said with self-satisfed expression of
countenance. ''No doubt" she respond
ed, sarcastically. 'tBut what girl do you
please?" They don't speak now
A young man who played his first game
of baseball last week told the doctor who
sewed up his lip and glued his ear to-
gether with courtplaster that he hadn't
had so much fun since he was kicked on
the spine by mule.
A Cincinnati girl in her hurry to kiss
her young man, planted the smack in his
ear with such terrific force as to burst
the drum. The restauratuer who en-
ploys that girl to kiss open his oyster
cans will make fortune.
bookbinder said to his wife at their
wedding: sit seems that now we are
bound together two volumes in one, with
clasps" "Yes," observed one of the
guests, Zone side highly ornamental Tur-
key morocco, and the other plain calf
When mans wife comes in and sees
him, razor in hand, and with his face all
lather, and asks, care you shaving?" its
a provoking thing for him to answer,
"No, I'm blacking the stove," but it is
human nature so to reply.
''Is you gwine to get a new overcoat
this winter?" asked a darkey of a COM
panion. ''Well, dunno how dat's gwine
to be-" was the reply. Use done got
my eye on coat, but de fellah dat owns
it keeps his eye on it too"
ooh, give us rest said a young
man, impatiently, to little boy of the
city, who was busy plying him with ques-
tions. The little fellow looked at him a
moment, and then with the utmost inno-
cence said: "Well, you rest, and I'll
talk
At school examination clergyman
was descanting on the necessity of grow
ing up loyal and useful citizens. In or
der to give emphasis to his remarks, he
pointed to a large flag hanging on one
side Of tho school-room, and said: ssBoys,
what is that flag for?" An urchin that
understood the condition of the room bet
ter than the speakers rhetoric, exclaim.
ed: ''To hide the dirt, sirl"
He had fingered long and remarked at
leaving, 'I have about missed the car
and will have to walk home.'' sThat's
too bad,'' replied she, and then added
suavely, ''but there is nothing to prevent
your taking buss at the door" The
stupid fellow actually waited half an
hour for the omnibus, and finally went
away wondering why she had told such
fib.
At negro baptizing the other day 6
slim preacher took fat sister down into
the water of bayou. Just as he dipped
her into the water she slipped from his
grasp and glided under the root of large
cypress tree from which sad entangle-
ment it was impossible to extract her un-
til life was extinct. The preacher with.
out the slightest show of embarrassment,
raised his hands and turning to the crowd
exclaimed:
''The Lawd gibbeth an de Lawd ia
keith away, blessed be de name of de
LaWd."
'Dat's all right as far as de Lawd's
concerned replied the drowned woman's
husband, ''but what's gwine to do?-l
amt got no lection to de Lawd's takin
her away eff he vide anodder wife bout
de same size."
ssDe Lawd knows his own business,
said the preacher.
ssBut dat amt de pint" persisted tn
husband. 1 wants wife an wants he
right heah. Yerse'f tux dat 'oman int
de water. an Use gwine to hold verse
responsible. I'll gin yer ten minutes t.
! git mea wife, an eff at the end of dat tim
| you amt done made arrangements I'll mau
yer till yer couldn't baptize cat.-Doe
yer heah?''
The preacher reflected for momen
and addressing a sister said: ''Siste
Kate, to keep down disturbance heal
won't yersef marry de genleman?"
She sister agreed that immediate m;
trimony was something in her line; an
then the grief-stricken husband, turnin
to the preacher, exclaimed: ''De settle
ment am satisfactory, brudder. Souse d
naixt lady"