The Middlebury register and Addison County journal. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1883-1885, 1883-01-12

HUMOROUS.

Professor: If you attempt to sqneeze
any solid body it will always resist pres
sure" Glass smiles and cites examples
of exceptions which prove the rule.
Doctor: ''Well, Pat, have you taken
the box of pills sent your Pat: "Yes.
sir, but don't feel any better; maybe
the lid hasn't come off yet''
There are hundred and four boys
born to every hundred girls. Nature
| evidently makes allowances for suits for
breach of promise.-[ Puck.
Papa: How is it, Alice. that you
never get prize at school?" Mamma;
And that your friend Louisa Sharp
gets so many?' Alice (innocently) ;"Ah,
Louisa Sharp has got such clever par
ents!''
A gentleman whose house was under
repair went out one day to see how the
work progressed, and observing guam
tity OF nails lying about, he said to the
carpenter; why don't you take care of
these nails? They'll certainly be lost"
No, replied the carpenter; ''you will
find them In the bill.''
gentleman was talking to the owner
of ferocious bulldog, and asked him
the question, do you think your dog
could become fond of stranger?"
"l es,' replied the dog fancier, ''if he
was raw, but he wouldn't if the stranger
was cooked Baltimore Every Sat
urday.
She sat down at the piano, cleared her
throat and commenced to harmonize.
Her first selection was, 81 cannot sing
the old songs;' and a gloom that was
colder and bleaker than Sunday dinner
fell on the company when the stranger
in the corner said, "And we trust YOU
are not familiar with the new ones.'
No mutuality: did you see dat hoss
you was talkin' of buyin'?' asked one
Austin darkey of another. "Yes, l seed
him." Did you buy de hoss?'' "No,
didn't buy him, bekase dar was no mu-
tuality. what do you mean, niggah?"
"Dar was no mutually. seed enuff oh
de hOss. but de hoss didn't see enuff OBJ
me. He was blind in one eye. Oar has
ter be more mutuality in a hoss trade.''-
[Texas Siftings.
An honest tradesman dies. leaving a
number of debts, which his widow is in
no hurry to pay. A surviving friend of
the deceased demonstrates with her upon
her negligence. What" he saws, in
dignantly, you hesitate about paying
this money-about leaving your son an
untarnished namey' "Ah, you see,"
signs the widow. my poor, dear hus-
bands name was Smith-and there are so
many Smiths that perhaps nobody would
ever known'
Talk about memory" said an Ar
kansaw man, ,"I'ye got the most retentive
memory of any man in the country. l
can remember things that occurred when
was n child.' Il don't think your
memory is so very good" said an ac-
quaintance. You borrowed ten dol
lars from me some time ago. and you
have forgotten the circumstance" mo
sir, you are wrong. You have doubt
less noticed that keep out of your way.
Well, that is on account of my memory"
I Arkansaw Traveller.
"Iow did you ever come to run for
the legislature. anyhow asked Charles
O'Bear of Myer Hudgins, a newly-elect-
ed member of the Missouri Legislature,
and who is visiting Austin for his health
Il did it to bring disgrace on my uncle.
He treated me badly when was boy,
and took fearful vow would humili-
ate him, and have done it, "What
business is your uncle engaged imp
"IIeis making shoes in an Ohio Peniten-
tiary."-[Texas siftings.
In the year 1882, 2S4 steamships and
large river steamboats, were lost. The
aggre gate tonnage was 320,065 tons.
OF these the British vessels numbered
1875, with total of 236, $40 tons; Ameri-
can l6, and 1892 tons. OF this list l4l
were stranded, 81 were sunk by go Ii
elOn So fonnIad aaneizal y xvapa d ann