The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1883-04-06

WHY WE LAUGH,

The successful grocers have generall,
started business on a small scale.--Ne,c Or
leans Picay,me.
Arabi Bey has begun studying English
We imagine the late war ought to have giver
him all the English he wanted.
A new furore Is predicted for ornamental
clay figures. This surely means ssreign o.
terra" otts).-Hdruard Lampoon.
French under difficulties: Tho following
dialogue was overheard the other day: He
| "Araminta, .je t'adore." She-"Shut 1t your
self"
A man has invented a chair that can b.
adjusted TO 500 different positions. 1t Is de-
signed for boy to sit IN when he goes te
| church.
German geographers propose to christen Q
portion of the Northern Ocean the Nordensk
jold Sea. Don't, it's kjold enough now.--
LoueH Courier.
Among the printed rules of hotel in Los
Angeles is the following: "No combustible
| such as paper, old clothing, bottles or oyster
cans to be thrown out Of these windows"
A New York druggist is going to open
twenty-four soda fountains In London this
summer. 1t will be fun to see the English
men sit down to wait for the foam to settle.
Detroit Free Press.
1t Is said that inhaling fumes of sulphur
will cure catarrh. The course which many
people pursue In this life gives promise that
they won't be afflicted with catarrh In the
next.--Satrday Night.
eyes," said the wood dealer, "I prefer to
tn ba do hi
You can't convince man who has worked
all day at a wood pile that there isn't full
cord In it."-Bost0n Post.
A Texas country paper lost more than half
OF its advertising patronage by putting the
advertisement Of marble yard Immediate
ly after doctors card. The doctor ordered
his card out.-Teras SJtings.
Why certainly, Ezra, certainly. Anybody
can answer little question like that. They
are called "end men" because they are the
last persons the wandering joke reaches in
its earthly pilgrimage.-Ha,ckeye.
"Animated hugging'' is not an nappropri.
ate name given to the modern style Of doing
the waltz and the galop, especially when the
"german" is led by Mr.. Clubman and Mrs.
Wehavegotmoney.-N. Y. Mail.
The diamonds worn by New York bar
tenders are said to be worth S350,0O0. The
Philadelphia Ne,cs remarks that the car.
buncles worn on the noses Of New York bar
patrons cost probably about s5,Oo0,OO0.
De man what 'pends on de rooster fer ter
An wake i'm up 'arly in de mawnin',
May sometime fin dat de rooster Is no mo-
But wuz stolen sev'al ours fore de dawnin'.
&c rgia Major.
A century since the Hawaiians were sava-
ges and cannibals. Now they use the tele-
phone, have bank defaulters, support gam
bling establishments and show other evil
dences of Christian enlightenment and mod
ern civilzation.--NorristoUn Herald.
If poor old Job had been afflicted with as
many boils as there have been Jokes made
about his afiliction, he would have turned
his face TO the wall and kicked off more
plaster In minute than mason could have
put on in monthly. Y. Com.
A Pittsburg girl who had refused good.
looking telegraph repair man three times
within six months gave as q reason that lie
roamed from pole to pole, from one climb to
another, and if he did come home he'd be
insulate that the neighbors would be sure to
talk.--Pittsbwg Telegraph.
Col. Ingersoll says; III the Mississippi and
Its tributaries were filed with pure whisky;
If the banks were loaf sugar, and all the
low lands covered with mint, there would be
Nd more drunkenness than there Is TO day"
Perhaps not; but there'd be a hades of an
emigration to the West.-Boston Post.
Prof. Blackie once chalked on his notice
board in college. "The Professor is unable
to meet his classes to morrow" A waggish
student removed the &c" leaving glasses"
When the Professor returned he noticed the
new rendering. Equal to the occasion the
Professor quietly rubbed out the a." and
Joined in the hearty laughter of the asses.
"Hobson," said Muggins, "they tell me
you have taken your boy away from the
graded school. What Is that for?" "Cause,n
said Hobson, "the master aiI't fit to teach
him." "Oh," said Muggins, "I've heard he's
a very good master" "Well," replied Hob
son apologeticslly, call knows Is he want
ed to teach my boy to spell 'taters with
"p."-Ne1 Berne Journal.
"Dar am muffin which ruins Niger more
suddener," said Uncle Nash, soiemnly, to his
eldest hopeful, "dan de custom of visitin'
hen-roosts in de full OBJ de moon. 1t am we'll
'nough to tackle de watermillyun patches
when de queen OBJ night am sailin' round in
short neck an low sleeves, becuz de souawk
Of a twisted watermillyun vine am not like
the squawk OBJ q red-headed rooster when
you done pluck him out o. do hen-pstch.
But take the rooster when de moon am on
de halfshell."
It Is related that when Tabor was on the
Kansas Pacific train going to Washington to
take his seat, he met q Hebrew drummer
who had known him some time by reputa-
ton. To pass the time they engaged in a
game Of seven-up. The play was even until
the close of the second game, when the
drummer received four kings and an eight
spot. A queen was turned up. "Mine gra-
cious," said the drummer; "Mr. Dabor, I
visht it vas boxer. five vas blayin' boxer,
| wood bet you my whole bun.dsll." show
much is your bundle?" asked the Senator.
1.-TWO hundred and fifty tollars," replied the
drummer. "Well. replied Tabor, ''if you
give me the queen which Is turned, will 90
you." "Tun," said the drummer, and Tabor
picked mp the queen. "Dot ees q shnap,"
whispered the drummer, showing his hand
to the man hi the next seat. 81 should |
'sVood you like to bet some more, Meester |
Dabor ?" said the commercial tourist, with |
an in insinuating smile. ayes" said the |
noble Senator, "I have fair hand; will |
make it $780," 81 haf only S5O," replied |
The drumner, and he made his bet good |
for $3.50. "Vhat haf you got, Meester Da-
borT "Four aces" answered Colorado's |
favorlte son, showing the fatal one spots. |
The drummer was perfectly paralyzed. and |
was unable to speak, while the noble Sena- |
tor slowed the pot In his toys. Slowly |
drawing cigar from his pocket, Colorado;s |
faverite was about to light up and withdraw,
when the drummer recovered his sense of |
speech. Leaning forward, he said, '.Eet ish |
all right, Meestsr Dabor; you haf won the |
money square; but. Mr.. Dabor, vot had der |
ker-yeen to do NIT four aces ?"--Kansas |
City Times.
A Lawful Excuse,