The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-05-10
FLOATING FANOIEs.

TT. Mary Walker is designated by the
Peoria Transcript as the greet National 1t.
The man who leaves dirty water in the
wash-basin gets a much shorter pair of wings
than any other angel.
An advertisements Western paper says,
"Lost, two COWS; one of them is a bull" So
is the advertisement.
Two drinks a day, remarks an exchange,
will supply a family with -four. This, Of
course, refers to the saloon-keepers family.
The dreadful power of that Missouri cy-
clone can be appreciated when we read that
among the dead left in IFS wake there was
one CONNIE, cial Drummer.
A Boston paper is in flavor of women
voting If they want TO-" A Western paper
would like to see the man who would make
them vote if they didn't van to.
Women Of the world never use harsh ex-
pressions when condemning their rivals.
Like the savage they hurl elegant arrows, or
namented with feathers of purple and azure,
but with poisoned points.
A Canada farmer the other Sunday saw a
girl in church who suited his fancy, proposed
to her on coming out, married her on Mon
day, and lost her on Tuesday, she having
eloped with his hired boy.
"Mamma, is the old hen going to be sent
away for the SUMMER" 'No, Charlie; but
why do you ask ?" "Well, I heard papa tell
the hired girl that they would have a fine
time when be sent the old hen away for the
summer"
A certain gentleman recently lost his wife,
and a young miss Of six years who came to
her funeral said to his daughter of about the
same age. 'Your papa will marry again,
won't he p ooh, yes" was the reply; ''but
not till after the funeral"
The English language is supposed to con
sist of about 60, 900 distinct words. Of these
says an Eastern paper, ordinary people use
only from 500 to 1000, great orators perhaps
as!many as 10, 900, and lightning-rod agents
and directory canvassers SO, 800.
Gus de Brown, who has prolonged his call
considerably after 1915 p. m: so you
don't admire men of conservative views like
myself, Miss Angelo" Miss Angel, with vi
vacity: ''No, indeed, I prefer people who
have some go in them" De Brown reaches
for his hat.
She was 'ssorry she spoke!' Young far
mer Surveying the stock): IA pretty tidy
lot, Maria" Wife Considerably the senior
AYE, but they would ma be there maybe
wern'it no for my brass!' Husband (nettled,
'Whoy, lass, gin it be coem to that wi ye, il
l. had no been for your money, mayhap ye
will ma been here yerself!"
A contemporary asks: How shall WON
en- carry their purses to Illustrate tn,
thieves? 7" Why, carry them empty. Moth
ing illustrates a thief more than to snatch
Woman's. purse, after following her half
mile, and then find that it contains nothing
but a recipe for spiced peaches and a faded
photograph of her grandmother.
Somebody gives feminine type settlers thi'
merited send off: GAS 4 class, female prin.
tiers are dilligent and worthy. They never
ojer: they never bother the editors for chew
ing tobacco; they never prowl around among
the exchanges for the P0liss Gazette; they
never get themselves full Of bulge and try t.
clean out rival print shops; they never swea
about the business manager; they do no
smoke nasty old clay pipes. they never strik'
for more pay; they do not allude to editoria
matter as slush or hog-Wash-in short, the.
are patient, gentle, conscientious and reliable
Before a booth in a village fair farinI
placaros announce the celebrated woman fsI
price of admission, Is centimes. TIL
booth is promptly crowded; the stage-mana
ger draws up the curtain, and a little old Wo
man appears on the stage and, dropping
courtesy, says: Ladies and gentlemen, az
a woman fish. [Murmurs. Yes, ladies an
gentlemen, my husband, Isidore Fish, die
three years ago, leaving me a widow, ano
as you seem to take such a lively interest il
my fortunes, | will proceed to take up q co
lee" The audience vanishes and make
room for a new one.
He Understood.