Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1882-02-16
Aamuruus department.


we thought last Fall that we would varnish
one and surprise our friends with it Christmas.
The surprise was all right, but the melon
wasn't good for much. After the turkey and
cranberry sauce had been demolished, we re-
marked, as we sharpened the carving knife on
our boot leg, that we would now deal out the
fruit.
When we showed the glittering blade through
the vanished shell of the watermelon, about
aquart of melon juice in bad state ofPreser-
vation squirted around the festive board and
stopped the flow of conversation.
Yes, you can varniSh watermelon and keep
it till next Fall but when you hold the autop-
sy you want to have nobody around but the
coroner and the embalmer.
When we threw that melon over into the
alley we remember that it went to pieces like
an old seed cucumber thrown against the side
of barn.
you read in the papers. We remember once OF
reading that certain preparation would keep
eggs for year, and they would taste better
when you peeled them than when they were
first picked.
We tried it.
They seemed filled with malaria when we
opened them, and they popped like cham
pagne cork.
The family had to move out on ranch till
the affair had blownOver. And while we were
gone the coroner broke into the house to see
who had been killed and locked up there to
conceal the crime.
Some of these editors who compile recipes
for housekeeperS don't know blanc mango
from paletot.-Lanarie Boomerang.
PHILOSOPHY IN EBoNY.-Remember young
man, dat de man dat handles the most books
amt de best eddycated. | knOw'd book
fbof poO16Oi road
may differ frum de religious folks When
say dat Use got more respect fur de woOdpeck-
er den has fur de dove. De dove is 'celtful.
He'll COO around and coax yer into sympathy,
but soon as yer back is turned he goes ober
inter de field and pulls up the young wheat.
AL dis time do woodpecker has been dggin' a
worm outen tree.
Every provision of nature may be wise, but
doan see why body should suffer so much
in cuttin' teeth. A dog doan hab no trouble,
neder does coon, but natur gives fits to de
baby. And dis, de preachers tell me is on ac-
count OBJ de political trickery OBJ Adam Use
clad dat he was counted out OBJ de garden OBJ
Eden: Everybody what walks de flo Wild a
teethin' chile is a natural enemy ter dat man.
hab noticed dat all great men retains in
arter life de early impressions of childhood.
Dis scar heah is where my fodder hit me wild a
sassafrass sprout.-Little Rock Gazette.
WHICH Is IT ?-Two of our young men
went to Henderson this week to see the Misses
Jones, two very eStimable young ladies there.
A colored girl came to the door and the fol-
lowing conversation took place:
care the Misses Jones in %
Eyes, sab, Mrs. Jones am in. Does you
want to see her"
''No, we want to see the Misses Jones'"
'sMrS JONES' dat'S what Said.''
-, In Ion
understand %
''Course kin. De Mrs. Jones am de old
lady OATS de only MissuS Jones in dis heal
house."
''Confound it, we want to see the old lady's
: daughters
''Oh !! de Miss Joneses. Why didn't you
say so? I reckon yOu'Se both drunk. Come
pestering round heah wild yo' misses and miss
us, and de. You'd better clear out, you cam
peddle no books here, you heah me ~ and SHE
slammed the door in the faces of the astOniSh'
ed young bloods. This is an actual occurrence.
Eransrille Argus.
No USE FOR THAT TDOLLAR.-Jim Webster
met Sam Johnsing, and said:
''Sam! Can yer lend me dollar that yel
has no use fOr?"
"Certainly, Jim,'' said Sam, handing over
dollar.
Jim in his surprise bit the coin to see if he
was awake and in so doing discovered that it
was made of lead.
''This yere is a counterfeit, Sam l didn't
think you'd do me that way"
II know it's counterfeit, jim; yer asked me
for one had no use fur, and give it ter yer.
If it had been good one 1 should have had
use for it. Pears as if you don't sagaciate
much Jim -
HARD ON THE LAwYER.-It is related of
George Clarke, the celebrated negro minstrel,
that being examined as witness he was Sc
verely interrogated by the attorney, who wish
ed to break down his evidence.
''You are in the negro minstrel business, |
believe 20 inquired the lawyer.
Eyes, SIR" was the prompt reply.
''Isn't that rather low calling - demand
ed the lawyer.
81 don't know but what it is, Sir" replied
the minstrel ''but it is so much better than
my fathers that am proud of it,
.'What was your fathers calling 2"
''IIe was a lawyer, replied Clarke, in tone
of regret that put the audience in roar. The
lawyer let him alone.
A NATURAL MIsTAKE.-'Squire McGill had
occasion to go Cortland, and while there he
went into a grocery and purchased dozen
lemons, making the remark to the lady clerk
that he guessed he'd have some lemonade
when he got home.
Don't YOU want a squeezer ?" she asked.
"Marm %
''Wont you have a squeeze, sir 20
''Well, marin, eff was young man l would.
But I've been married nigh onto thirty years,
and the old lady is dreftle sot agin hugin' out
o. the family"
An explanation was made, and the Squire
bought a squeezer to settle it.
The squire was not up to the ''german."
"a Mr.. and his little son, Charley,
were sitting by the fire listening to the music
of piano, upon which the child mother was
playing. After she had concluded, it being
about the child's bed time, Charley was told
to say prayers and 60 to bed. AS was his Gus
tom, he kneeled down beside his mother, and
with folded hands and his head full of the mu-
sic he had heard, repeated the we'll known
child's hymn:
"Now lay me down to sleep,
pray thee, Lord, my soul " keep;
If I shoudd die before l wake,
Pop goes the aveaset.''
As may he imagined, the Soemnity OF the
occasion was sadly interrupted by the peals OF
laughter from father and mother.
az Lord Macaulay, passing one day through
an obscure street in London, bought handful
of ballads from some street singers who were
bawling out their contents to gaping audi
ence. Proceeding Oh his way home. he was
aStonished to find himself followed by half a
e. hoo, ~,