New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1882-08-30
WIT AND HUlloR.

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With some men the penny's mightier
than the sword. sure enough.
One has to drive pen. but pencil
is lead.
The Khedive does not look upon the
mutinous Pasha as Arab the Blest.
"What makes it socoldp'' said Brown;
Il can't see." ''Icy," replied Fogg.
An Illinois farmer who plowed up a
two-gallon jug, abused his oxen because
there was no whisky in it
A young married man whose house
rent is paid by his mother-in-law alludes
to her as his darling pay-rent.
A wag suggested that suitable open
ing for many choirs would be, '.Lord
have mercy on us miserable singers"
. Has it ever occurred to baseball men
that milk pitcher is generally good
fly catcher?
Peter Vinegar was lynched at Law
renee, Kan. II they had no pity for this
Vinegar, they should have remembered
his mother.
The Freshman's occupation is gone.
A kind of glass has been invented for
street-lamps from which stone bounds
harmlessly.
1t was French woman who exclaim-
ed, holding up glass of sparkling fresh
water: ''Ah! if it were only wicked to
drink this, how nice it would taster'
Rhetoric and ribbons: A sermon on
the vanities of this life is weakened by
the time it travels over a large con-
gregation of beautiful bonnets.
Patrick dressing for party: ''Be-
dad, now, and shan't be able to get
on these boots till I've worn them q
tonne or two"
Law is like a sieve; You may see
through it, but you must be consider
ably reduced before you can get through
it.
There is man in Green Bay who has
taken his wife back three different times
after she has eloped with other men.
He likes her style of biscuit, probably.
A cable despatch that "a mine was
discovered in a street in Moscow, Rus
sia," was headed by an innocent jour
nalistic head-writer as "A Bonanza in
Moscow
A Lexington (Ky.) youth, who went
to work in the country, wrote his girl, a
June graduate, that he was raising a
calf. Imagine his feelings when the
girl replied: II am glad you have be-
gun to support yourself
"Have you had your ears pierced?''
asked a young lady of her chum, who
lived next door. II should think so"
was the crushing reply, clearing you
sing every day. There is now a great
gulf of GOODNESS between the two.
A man at Manchester, N. H., dream
ed that he was chasing a rabbit, and he
jumped from a third-story window and
broke both legs. He was awful mad to
think he woke up before he caught the
rabbit.
The most unfortunate of women is
the minister's wife. When he reads his
sermons to her after he has just com.
pleted writing them there is no con-
gregation present with new bonnets to
draw her mind away from his words.
Assorted reflections; knowledge is &C.
quired not by long life but by close Oh.
CANNClOI' AuClC IL Onc COuSO4sstAOu
about growing old; you live to see your
friends growing old too. 1t is we'll to be
witty; one often has silly thing to say.
When a boy feels called upon to go
West and tackle grizzlies he should be
shut up in yard for fifteen minutes
with dog about as big as 3 cider bar
rel. If that doesn't cure him then he
was cut out for a great bear hunter.
When Chicago restaurant waiter
serves spring chicken on toast he calls
special attention to the chicken, and
forces the guest to admit its presence.
Then there can be no kick when the
bill is paid
After an Iowa man had been sold out
by the Sheriff the other day and didn't
know how he was to pay for his next
shave he ''happened to think of S12, OOC
in gold which l.c buried ten years ago. :"
and he went ami dug it up and was
made happy
''Don't you think l have good face
for the stage?' asked a young lady with
histrionic aspirations. IL don't know
about the STAGE" replied her gallant
companion, "but you have lovely face
for 'bus!''
The dear children are at dinner when
plate of cherries is brought in. The
elder promptly helps himself to threea
quarters of the fruit ''You might leave
some for somebody elser' remarks the
junior. 20 don't be so greedy!' replies
the senior.
An utterly too young married lady
with still tooer husband, living in one
of the fashionable homes of the day,
worked a motto with the inscription:
''God Bless Our Flat And nei ghbor
to whom it was shown had the hardi-
hood to ask her whether she referred to
her residence or her husband.
She Tossed Her Pretty Head "A
young girl being asked recently as she
returned from the circulating library
with the last new novel if she had ever
read Shakespeare, tossed her pretty head
and answered: ''Shakspearc? OF course
/ have; read that when it first came
out"
Doctors have good deal to bear from
antl-vaccinatOrs, NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.,
herbalists, and others; but the latest
and worst insult comes from one of the
Southern States, where local legislator
has introduced proposal to make it
obligatory to inscribe the name of the
physician on the tombstones of deceased
persons:
Caramels and Aloes.-Thcy were
counting, "What makes the stars so dim
to-night?'' she said, softly ''Yonr eyes
are SO much brighter" he whispered,
nressinn her hand ,Ehau aro mn rr; ri