Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-06-19

enmity by sneaking out of the back
door every time / entered the front
so as sort of retaliation, / determ-
ined to wipe him right out of exist
ence. In order to do this (not being
much of a Nimrod myself) L had to
get posted in military tactics that is,
| had to learn how to approach the.
enemy unperceived. This was done
by consulting an old and experienced
hunter.
The worst feature of this hunters
instructions was his mode of approach
ing theslog. You are well aware, no
doubt, that, although man is love-
able being, that love is not at all
sought or appreciated by partridge.
You can't walk up to a drummer
openly, and say, "Come biddy,' as
you would to hen, and have biddy
come worth cent. He just gives
an insOlent courtesy, and then with
out further formality, waltzes off on
his pinions, leaving you back in the
suburbs to whistle. The only way
you can approach him at all, and have
him retain his position, is by resort
ing to strategy; and strategy under
the aforesaid hunters instructions
meant: ''Keep still, trust in Provi-
dence, and-creep."
Now man must creep before he
can walk but after he has learned
to walk, creeping is mighty hard bus
mess. | had traversed but short
distance in this awkward position be-
fore [ became cognizant of the fol-
lowing facts: That twig or dry
stick is never so willing to break as
when you are creeping up to par
fridge; that every limb is bound to
flop up, or fly back, whether you
want it to or not; that little noises
are more distinctly heard than at any
other time; that there are more cob
webs to encounter, more wet places
to creep through, more switches to
hit you in the face than you thought
any woods could contain; that you
want to cough or sneeze at the par
ticular moment when you want to
keep still.
| had overcome most of these diff
ficulties, had seen the partridge, even,
when | was possessed with an ire
sistible desire to sneeze. Now to
break the connection of a well organ
lied sneeze is something of gigan-
tic undertaking. / do not say it is
impossible, but l say it is so near it
a camels hair wouldn't split the diff
ference. A sneeze, somehow, resem-
bles an ungoverned child-always
bound to have its own way. ANY
attempt to dislocate it, or shut it off
as you would stream of water in
faucet, is absolutely futile. A sneeze
that has commenced to bud is going
to blossom and it don't make much
difference whether at a funeral or
presidential reception.
Knowing the disastrous conse-
quences of sneezing on particular
occasions, | prepared to charge the
enemy at onceA | mean, raised the
gun and took quick aim. The aim
was all right; but the sneeze was
fatal. The sneeze and the gun went
off at the same time; and so did the
partridge. The sneeze wasn't the
suppressed ''s'chew" of young lady,
or the "ha-ha-ha-a-gee'' of a young
man, or the 900 dear-o rash-o' of
an old veteran; but was a terrific
''hash-ho" that startled the woods
like an Aborigine's war-hoop.
At the particular moment when a
sneeze goes off l do not consider
man responsible for his acts. l
say, do not consider him response
BILE, because he loses all control of
his faculties; in reality, is not sane
man. To illustrate: When you
sneeze, you can't thread q needle;
but the needle is apt to thread you.
See? you are apt to get pricked. A
sane man wouldn't. The man who
sneezes is troubled in mind and not
till the sneeze is well disposed of does
the mind assume its original equinim-
| ity. The man who sneezes is sensibly
aware that he is a prisoner to an un-
seen power; that his whole frame,
without any personal exertion, seems
to 'Eyank" as if under the power of
an electric battery. 1t was this same
"yank'' that disorganized we'll
meaning aim, and sent the charge
circulating through the tree tops, in
stead of going in the direction intend
ed. 1t was this same ''yank,' con-
tracted by sneeze, that caused the
utterance of an expression not read
ing at all like poetry in print. 1t was
this same ''yank" no matter;
it saved me ten dollars and costs, as
penalty for shooting partridges in
the spring.
| THE HANGERS OF THE STOCK MARX EFT "A man may
be ncredulous enough risk his money in the icke
mysteries OF mercurial stock market but when he
gets the itching piles he goes straight for Dr. Swaynes
Ointment. Unlike the bulls and bears of the stock
exchange. who clean you out of hard earned cash. it
returns your money with interest in the way Of alay
ing the intense itching and nsuring sweet repose.
Meddle not with the affairs of 9TH
| eIS. and keen YOUR own counsel