Omaha daily bee., 1882-09-09
I'M

Canon Farrar SAYS the Salvation army i
composed of Iowdy Christians
just now q church is an excellent plac,
for holding an uninterrupted conversation
a st. Louis man a v he'd as soon reac
the bible as the proceedings Of the tariff
con mission.
a clergyman says III, 1t the circus is the
gateway to h DIES. Some one had evident.
ly been throwing saw du,t in his eyes.
You can't always tell the age of an old
saw by its { eth. Some saws have circu,
lated since Noah cut up his pleasure yacht.
a ST. Louis paper says pointedly
"Nhen u Chicago preacher wants = new
church all his own, and a h~igcorgregati II,
he has himself convicted VI heresy'
Misery loves company. Says the un.
reverend George G. Min: "rhe sultan
has dec a,ed Arab to be a religious rebel.
That means u hereto. Brother, shak,!'
"What Is a pessimist, raps?' asked a
bright lad. "a pessimist. my son. said
the old man, SIS me who would find fault
with hi seat in Heaven, If he ever got
there"
The Rev. Mr.. Green. of Raleigh, n. c..
is at present the Champion lmmerscr. ~
lie recently passed l40 persons throu. h the
baptistry, fully dipping aud blessing each
one, in seventy minutes.
II Jonah had had another fisherman
along with him when he was secretary OF
the interior the Zig fish that gobbled him
could not have been measured by any tape
line then 10 existence.
The reporter Of a New York paper went
to see the panorama of "Bunyan'. Pilgrim
Progress" The man at the door retusoi
to admit him without paying, aud the re.
porter said: "Sent MIR. Bunyan out here
he will | t lie ill.,"
"Are you certain of securing the dia'
dem?' asked the minister of the dying man.
And when the man said that he didn't
want to diadem rit," the minister and the
doctor flew, and as a naturni consequence
the man got better. j lers' Circular.
A Brooklyn boy wrote a composition on
the subject of tie Quakeis, whom he de.
scrib d as n sect who never quarre ed never
got into u fight, never clawed each other,
and never jawed back. The production
contained a postscript in these words
=" as a Quaker, but ma isn't"
A Leadville preacher is visiting Phila'
delphia, and some brother %clergymen no.
ticiug that he did not carry a watch, asked
him how he managed to tine himself dur
ing his sermons. sob, that is simple
enough" replied the Leadville apostle. 81
keen right on until the revolvers begin t.
click, and then l hnow it is time to stop
MA Chicago clergyman gives a new argu'
ment for being good in a story about IN ole
lady in his church who was noted for her
RIGHTEOUSNESS as well as her piety. While
talking with her about her hope of the
hereafter, he asked: MRS. S., did you
ever stop to think what will crafty you
IN st in hoaven?" "Uh, yes" she eXclaim,
ed: II wall he such a cheap place to live
I'M"
Uncle Boze sauntered into the Office with
his h t off, fumhled over an Exchange,
wiggled about, and finally said: Boss
Use gwine to church to.morrOw-say, boss
| len me a quarter" "Wrn, uncle, what
will you do with it?" "l'se gwine TO to
put it in de missionary box" 'See here,
now, if you give the quarter to the heather
how are you going Ia pay it back to me!'
'Suah nutf! clar' to d. Lord. neber done
thinked . dat ah, 'tall. Say, boss, len
me u dime, dem"
An Englishman sent word to q church
fair in the country that he had bought
'horse aud trap for them, TO be disposed
of as they thought fit, which would be sent
down by train. A committee was appoint
ed to go to the station and receive tn,
horse and vehicle, with all honors. They
assembled at the proper time and had 0
clothes horse and a mouse trap to escort
back to the church.
cts too bad" muttered a Presbyterian
elder from the good city of Cincinnati, al
he sat down with his wife to a private
luncheon in a Paris restaurant. what
too bad?' she asked. why, that Rrothel
Benson should attend the horse races on
the L~ongchamps last Sunday" "Hov
shocking" exclaimed lhis partner
Dreadful" added the elder. 81 woulc
not have believed it it | had not seen hin
and closed his eyes preparatory to sayins
grace.
A curious law question has arisen in Nor
ris, Conn. Mrs. Grant Stevens, n widow
of that place, has great conf ieuce in an
since, in conversation with "a Mr.. Benton
she expressed her faith that she could Iiins
rain by prayer. He otfered her SO if sht
would bring u good ram within three days
A light shower occurred In Welnes aN
night. Thereupon Mrs Stevens called or
Benton, averTing that she had prayed TO
rain, that her prayer had been answered
and claiming the SO. He demurred on tn,
ground that the shower WAS not up to thu
contract requirement. She now threaten
suit for the money.
A 'hard shell" in Alabama preached
great sermon from the text: NOV Their
we o ret six water pots, containing two o
three fur skins apiece!" After church h,
was asked "where he got them 'fu
skins" scot 'em?" said he, in tn
Bible: and if you book.learned fellow
would read your Bible more, and othe
books less, you'd know MORN you d,
about preaching" At the next annua
convent n this same hard shell was il
DISTRESS at the sermon preached, and wen
to a brother clergyman with the question
"Wha shall we do, my brother, with gu
young ministers-they are all getting 5
full Of book learning, Pm afraid they
die with the swelled head" Il don
know" was the answer "but there's on
thing we can do. If their heads swell to
much, we can just bind two or three fu
skins about them, and | guess that vii
take the swelling down." He subsidized
Rochester Post Express.
|
If Yon are Ruined
in health from any cause, especlall