The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1882-07-30
PRETENDED WIT.

---- -s-L- IL JLf.
A Boston paper tells of neighbors
who borrow creamery butter and pay
in oleomsrgarine. 5h atlEt 2 IN
mo, you don't; you must pay as
you gol" exclsimed the landlord. as
he caught an impecnnious .boarder
trying to skip away.
A Philsdelphisn advised bis son
to aim high in life, and the lad wen,
out and shot a COW. Beef was about
the highest thing he could fnd.t aim
as.
A very rich man said: 81 worked
like slave till was lorty years old
to make ny fortune; and have been
watching it like detective ever since
for my lodging, food and clothes"
Things one woCld wish to have
expressed differently. Musical Mai.
den-"I hope l am not boring you.
playing 90 much" Enamored Youth
10, mol Pray 60 enl lid so
much sooner hear you play than talk
A New-York-State man who re-
Gently tried a 6ying-mschine OF his
Own invention bad no advice 20 give
those who crowded around. Ali be
said was: "Work in burned fool
somewhere on my tombstonel"
Examiner-"WeIl. sir, we will
now suppose that you have been
called in to attend patient who has
taken q powerful dose of arsenic
What would you advise giving himf'
M. d. lin embryol-"The last sscra.
ments, air"
1t is stated. probably in jest, thai
Gustave Dore has lately bought q
] villa on the outskirts OF Paris, and has
7 written up over the entrance the
musical notation: do, Mi, 81, La,
Do. Re-" This being properly inter.
preted, is: "Domicile q DoEe."
A Partisan sportsman who wal
accused of rejoicing over the victory o.
Bruce in the race for the Grand Prix
and thereby displaying lamentsblt
lack of patriotism, proceeded to I'M
fold his system as follows: 81 Away
back the foreigner. Then If be il
beaten l am consoled by the reflection
that my country has triumphed
] while on the other hand, il be wins
my patriotic sorrow is lessened by tn
. reflection that / am 80 louis ahead.
First boy-"You owe Bill jackson
a licking, an yer wants to lick him2'
Second boy Tightening his fats AM
looking very bold)-"Yes," Firs
boy-"Well, now's yer chance. Yon
der be goes across the way" SeconS
/ boy weakening decidedly )-Wouldn'
, it be JUS the same if I licked him to
, morreri" First boy contemporary
4 Whats the matter with yer
Didn't yer have nuthin' to eat for ye
! breakfast" Second boy (glad OF a.
4 opportunity to explain1-''Yes,
, had suthin' to eat, but want q
: regular meal.
"WhAt q curious idea that is {
: yours. my dear, to put your poo
, dead husbands portrait in you
!; dining roomI" ''Oh. I put him ther
J, as bit of still life." -
A man who committed suicide
{ Philadelphia recently is reported I
having been unmarried ana eccel
trio" The eccentrics are chief
! bachelors. Nothing like marriag
= for knocking the eccentIicity out (
q man.
!, A crusty old fellow once asket
"What is the reason that grifi II
dragons and devils are ladies' favo
]; tie subjects for embroidery designs?
Sab, because they are continual
D thinking of their husbands. was To
t lAdy's quick retort.
A m0deet bachelor who was threA
D ened with severe illness, stoutly r
h scented bis landlady's suggestion th'
she should call female physician
( her acquaintance. 81 assure you,
urged the well-mesning hash mani
iacturees, "that she is as competei
= 10 treat you as any male member
the profession / know Of" 9Th
E may be. madame" replied the silil
2 boarder. eDergetically, "but do u
e suppose I'm going to get up and p
my clothes on every time the doct
!, cails?"