National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1882-06-03
OUR LOCAL FORCE.
BY our LoNo-LEooED REPORTER.
lead dMine-E,culnplus-Tar Bollcr-Thc Marquis
Chloride OF Sodium-Kaiser Sausage-Tho
Flamingo and The Pet Alias
Loug.Leggcd Reporter.

the largest circulation, more news, and seven
Zines as many readers rs any paper in the town
" contiguous territory Each paper, too, has
some one thing It is particularly proud Of one
will have pres that is nothing more nor less than
n metallic miracle. Auoihcr will be the proud |
posscssor of foreman who Is n complicated and |
combined proof. reader copy holder, storeOtyper,
prcssman, fighting editor, and general utility man;
whilo still another journal will glory in the |
ownership Of pnragraphcr who can write pnns |
In seven langu gcs and steal jokes in seventy |
dialects But THE REPUBLICAN, is the ccsiatic |
proprietor Of
COSMOPOLITAN LOCAL FORCE
that for beauty, intellect, and diingue grace hns
no equal IN this world, nor very probably in the |
next either From the young aud giddy "Flamin- |
GO up to the old aud &c late Lead Mine, the force is
linked swe, tncss long dawn out Tho ilHt man |
in point of beauty aud avOrdupos is Lead Niue. |
He has the brow Of Jovc to threaten or command, |
from beneath which peer n pair of chameleon
colorcd eyes, which can be as sweetly pleasant as
mn autumn day, or dart forth angry lIghtnngs
with the Upidity aud execution OF n patent i'm.
proved thumder.Cloud. He looks over exchanges
in the morning, aud clips thcrcfrom many choice
morsc!s which he duly cr,dits to the Journals
whence they cone. In this we claim he Is alone
in the newspaper busincss-thc only aud copy
rlghtCd credit. clipper in the world. After he
finishes the exchanges he hears the grievances OF
nil tn people who have such commodities, and
gives promises T. several hundred persons, who |
want every thug from thcaer tickets down to n
ropy Uf an exchange six months old In the even |
Ing
HE EDITS THE PAPER
and delights the other members Of the force with |
flow of language as pure as the unsuiicd rivulct
that sings beneath lht cHfy branches OF the rrin.
cval fIrest, The ilOw generally begins TO ripple |
when Lead Nine disctvois that there is n column |
nnd II halfuf space len in tho fo.In, with twenty
two columns ,if copy on tito nook nrd more 10 |
romH. lis chAstc remarks conccrng boiling or
nthcr means of condensation deserve TO be painted
Ian ma In a. ff "a
logical seminary. Lead Mine is a religious enthu-
siast, ANA while being deacon of scycrul churches,
he still finds time 10 emit exquisite sermons,
which entrance his hearers like the first
sweet notes OF the summers greeting birds cause
transports ofjoy to surge over t,e farmers heart
horse race exceedingly well. 1t IS true that If he
would study reiigIers little more than ho does
prnyer.bCoGs lie might be able to pick out win
ner occasionally but hU goes on betting ON the
losers with he placid humor nmd conten,c cd feel
upon s dMisy.Ieckel sward aud stiis up a yellow.
jackets nest win his bontletl, lft were not
for his gigantic intellect TnE REruBLicAN would
DC Us duh us the thud OF lis capaCiuu5 hUOf
striking upon the tessrlated marble floor OF his
sanguinafy sane um.
EscuLAPrus Is THE MAN
who presides at the city desk and makes life a
hOwliug wilderness fOr the ambitious reporters
who call him master. He generally assigns the
man flesh from Harvard TO Il dog fight out Mt
BudGuspurg, and sends the basG ball rep Jrter
down To Il lecture on the analogy of the Bible with
Iho works OF Coniucius, or some other equally
column Escuiupius mungles 1t wi h a blue pencil,
until tue copy Is as LTiel as decupiIated mono.
struck by a BLIZZARD When the same man an comes i,s
in with II brcNiy Esculapius hOistS his symmetr-
cal hootI upon his desk and tells the blush.
ing reporter that he knew blanKety- blank
blank well that the item was worth
II column at least, and for n few short mo-
ments the sunCtum resembles n socialist hall with
Justice Schwab elocutionising at one end and
ODOnovan loSsn Rnnihilating the British Lion ut
tho ether E,Cuiupius, being POSSESSED of four eyes
a "a
lucrc-seCking reporter may cover upH Job" under
u pile OF vrrbiugc, he is sure to discover 1t and
blandly inquire as hG throws II i'll the wa StC basket
"How much did you get for this, pnrdY Ho also
eoriais AL the circus tickets, Interviews the actors
anu aCtreSscs-t specially Nctresscs-who unTor-
tuna.c.y happen to reach town, and, in fact gently
assimilutcs al The perquisitcs that happen tUsriku
anywhere within four square, OF tho >6nicc.
With all his mangling of copy, the medical man
occupies huge place i'll each Uf-our hearts. If II
relo.tsr ipGdyerlently makes an error in his
ard SAVES that rSpoliuF's head lie Is the only y
man on tho force who will lend his money out
without having string tied TO It, and Il man
!ecliycsn as high as Lheups, ana even then couldn't
90 him justice.
TItES COME THE REPoRTERs-
those prowcrs after fucts who will invade any.
thing from a bCudoir TO II graveyard ia search OF
a coveted item. The first iGpnrtGr-Or, to speak
cass icnly, huserGfter ws-is genial lar Boiler.
contour OF mis- figure is much more gaceful--in
tHct, his flesh was built upon the mould that do.
llplllS anu MliOWs. lle IL Wllul might
lightning pSonC gGphsr-5an ''S; Work " telo.
graph Instrument, throush tho worst au.
hibiri1n for one night only in the northern skies,
aud he can write edit riuls, descriptive articles,
exclusive items, personals, wooden notices, and
cot-cspecinlly rot-in ali the European Ian.
Suages end couple OF African on s.. He has been
noles, scalped by lie Sioux, run over by an OK.
cart, and Oh one Cventiul OCCASION INDUCED in u
buttng match with locomotive, but With his
nal l4f I.gi Ia. all 1,t
encounters nnd lives to be an ornament to TIE
NATIoHAL RnuBMcAS and q JOY to his friends
His religious and political opinions are rs elastic
as his Imagination, aud he Is equally at home re.
porting Methodist or an Episcopal sermon, and
gives as many brackets with ""ppiause" en-.
scOnccd between them TO Il Democratic SPEAKER Il,
he does 10 n more eloquent Republican. Wnilt
his bump OF vcncratiOn Is not MS large a, Meridiai
llill and his sarcasm Is MS sharp ns the back of
knife. there flows through his being Il stream o.
good nature that bubbles out nj every pore. In
word, uron the green swnrd .! lie lar Boiler is 4
daisy.
THE MARQUIS Is THE DILETTASTI REPORTER.
Notwithstanding the inct that he hns been smiling
ether under The protecting wing of the American
Queen Vic, in whose iOgey realm lie inst saw the
bun, (llc was born there, but in the inIcrgs, o
tguIh II must be said that he did not see Old So
until he was five years OldD lie has an excel N
disc iutnaiOn, ana can write a Gritque on any
Thing from musicale to II Inud- pie. The MarqUi
paris his hair ana his name in the middle an(
nmk ,s UP in dignity what he lacks in RyOirdupOis
He is the only man on the Journal who can tell
phlc ut lplS ktS lIOIl u pOlbuA IllhltT. lb IL tl
good terms with bnng.u Brilishels, hates O'DOnO
van RUSsa likes Welsh rarGbis, aud is the oml
man in tie city who drinks soda anI
milk in the morning instead of cocktail
ne carries copy Of the pceragG" in his poukt
nnd ans in l!ls hand, nnd is as fond Of music n
mis- bOs., lupiuS, Is. On the occasion Of H.
recent ms ,a'snatIun Gf or he hal executed II Bow
street wnr.!NuCe upon the imaginary heads of /
lTsh lcOplc, he sat dUWnHnd wrote seventeen col
umus of eUriGs,ull OF whiCh were wonderful speci
mems ufphlnomena! intellect. Being IN love, he /
kOmCwlHl absent -minGCd ana occasionally land
IN Il West Washington love Letter TO EsCulnpiu
ius CId OF Il Police Court item AlsuCh time III
sunu,um resembles u convention of gentlemen
praCiCirg schuyler CulmX smiles, The MurqUi
is Ynlu BILE adjunct Of the PAPER, ana is uOthiH
mOIo 1901 les, than a Sawed-On thesteliield
OLD CHLORIDE or SODIUM
Is what might bu truthmlly called a reporter wit
an experience rs wiue ms David DHyiss pants an
~ varied Us weather bulletin. In his early dny
he NusR navy u!lrCr, then an army officer, and II Il
lad not deserted powder for printers ink briol
lshel ihCrC is no doubt but that he would Ia,
become ygritHblc Captain jerks. The ChemiC
Journalist la, been traveller, lie has eaten DEF
IN Chira, missionaries In the Sandwich Island
horse steaks IN France, elephants In Africa, IL,
icrss Ia tho Arctic Ocean, where he went as RC
I'D core pOndent, aud, coming down 10 the du
material food OF Washington, he made II herCl
lean effort 10 adapt his stomach to circumstance
sud when he WUudeTs across u cache OF prOYend(
hcGcems to be "hulOw from boots to his skull
and dur out pretty thin. lie Is rs full OF rcmlui
CcuCcS us u canine Is full Of Iu'Gt irritGHS, an
knows every army, navy, marine, and police OIL
Ger In the United States, and gre It many who NJ
scattered over other portions Oi the sphere. Nhei
ever llpudthirsly saber swingcr reaches Il
city Chloride manages to lussO HIM, aud, CsCOril
him 20 the entire force and II few Of the conpos
tors IN choice wuIds Of eulOgy lie Is the bO