Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1882-05-17

MAY IL, 1857.
WIT AND HUMOR.
A lawyer is about the only man that
ever made anything by opposing a
woman's will.-Yonkers Statesman.
A young lady, not very well versed
in music, wants to know if dance music
is written in foot notes.-Free Press.
We don't believe in miracles; but
the other day deaf mute was given
hearing by police magistrate.-Ex.
When we asked our girl to marry us
she said she didn't mind and we have
since found out that she didn't.-Tole-
do American.
When at home, the Chinaman is a
Mongolian. When in the United
States he is Mustgolian.-Louisville
Courier-Journal.
advice to wives-man is very much
like an egg-keep him in hot water
and he is bound to become hardened
Philadelphia Chronicle-Herald.
Prof st. George Mivart, in his work
ON "The Cat" says that sit has Ian
guage of sounds to express its emo
tions"-which nobody can deny.-Ex.
Cant" says Emerson, "is useful to
provoke common sense" 1t is also
useful, with an apostrophe, when a
doubtful friend asks you to lend him
$5.
"It has always been my aim in life
to initiate a good example," as the
counterfeiter remarked while working
on a new set of dies.--Boston Trans
cript.
Gree of charge-an empty gun"
There's where you make a mistake.
It's the empty guns that have added
to the angelic population.-N. Y. Com
mercial Advertiser.
A writer in Land writes learnedly Of
English Interiors" without stating,
however, that the average English in
terror is happiest when full of roast
beef and plum pudding.-New Or
leans Picayune.
NJ. Durand commiserates himself
that he is obliged to procure a substi-
tute in the army for his son, and ex
claims in the simplicity of his grief:
"How unfortunate that he is not the son
of q widow" ."-Ex.
"What part" asked a Sunday school
teacher, "of the Burial of Sir John
Moore do you like best ?" The boy
was thoughtful for moment and then
replied; "Few and short were the
prayers he said. Free Press.
At town meeting large taxpayer
rose up to protest against building a
new schoolhouse in certain part of
the town. "What's the good of it ?"
asked he, "They arc an ignorant set
down there, anyway."-New York
Post.
81 find l have been hugging delu-
sion,' said Harry to James, his success
ful rival in the suit for the hand of
Miss b., day or two after the mar
riage. $50 do l." responded James.
Now, just what did James mean 9-Bos-
ton Star.
A clergyman who had just married n
couple felt indignant when the bride
groom gave him fee of only half u
dollar, smiled grimly and said: "Never
mind. You'll have to pay lawyer
800 for undoing what l have done."-
Free Press.
When Nebraska paper wishes to
insinuate that prominent citizen is
going to the bad through liquor, it says,
"The Honorable Mr.. Murphy is max
ing valuable collection of snakes"
Western editors know how to express
themselves poetically.-Lowell Citizen.
"Cuttingw-Nefvous man (tofriend)
"What am l to do? I've brought my
razor cloth instead of pocket-hand-
kerchief, and I've such a dreadful cold"
Friend (who is fond Of bad jokes) :
"Well, would not say anything
about it; it might razor laugh against
you."-Fun.
Jacob Harnis was executed the
other day in Tennessee. The sheriff
put on the halter and took off the Har-
nis.-Worcester Press. And left Jacob
a waggin' Derrick. Without foot
board.-Philadelphia Bulletin. Hang
it all, gentlemen, that's no subject to
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