Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1882-12-14
The Llme.Knn Club.
TDe.roil Free Press.l

nine in bee line from Detroit.
2. Man and the monkey tribe have
nothing in common, or didn't have until
monkeys began wearing oyercoats decor
ated with sealskin.
3. This nation will never be consid-
cred cultivated until some American pays
S15. 900 for a small canvass daub by one
of the masters.
4. In case city refuses to raise fund
to support beggars the said beggars may
possibly seek for work to support them
selves. ~
5. The moon has as much influence on
iron pots and kettles as upon vegetation.
These theories will be turned over and
over in the minds of the members OF the
club until done on all sides, and will then
be debated in the library. IL they are not
sufficient to last through until spring, 9th
ers will be advanced and put to bake.
ELECTION.
Sir Isaac Walpole never bade more
than when he took up his
bean-box and put the following candi.
dates through the mill: Old Man Smith,
Sir Walter Scott, Sardanapalus White,
Elder Boneset, Laborious Thomas and
Prof. Seamless jenkins.
AN HONORABLE MAN.
The Rev. Penstock arose to a question
of privilege, Some six months ago he
had stated in the presence of several per-
sons belonging to literary society that
Colonel Asparagus Jones. an active mem
Der Of the club, who wore No. IL paper
collar, had sought to palm off on the
club a theory regarding cats which he
had stolen bodily from Millions Para
disc Lost" The charge had produced a
temperature of fortv-seven degrees below
zero between the two, but thaw had set
in. Brother Penstock wanted to say in
open meeting that he had finally sue
ceeded in borrowing a copy of Milton,
and had read Paradise Lost" to the last
line without even finding the word cat.
1t was evident, then, that he done the
Colonel great injustice, and he desired to
tender humble apology and beg forglv.
eness.
Tears came to the Colonel's eyes and q
lump gathered in his throat as he heard
these words. Only two nights ago be
spent two hours in fesce.corner wait
ing for chance to hit Penstock, but now
he arose, extended his hand and his emo
tion was too great for language. They
shook hands, kissed each other, and fell
back to blow their nose and reflect how
good it was to be real good.
FAIR WARNING.
The janitor then announced that he
had ma lie all arrangements to place three
spring guns in position to defend Para
disc Hal from the future operations OF
cold .blooded assassins. One gun would
be placed at the lower door, another half.
way upstairs, and the third in the ante
room. Each gun will be loaded with
wrought-iron nails. so that they can be
clinched on the other side of the victim.
Warning was given to all members that
it would no longer be safe to return to
the hall in search of a cents worth OF
plug tobacco or an old clay pipe. Out.
siders who are planning to get into the
hall and wreak their vengeance on the
decorations had better pause and reflect.
CAN'T BE DONE.
The President stated that he was in re.
ceipt of communication from State
Senator-elect, offering the following po,
sitions to the members named:
Keeper of the Senate cloak-room-
Giveadam Jones.
Keeper of the Representatives cloak
room-W WhaIebone Howker.
Two assistant fireman-Samuel Shin
and Prof. De Hash.
Keeper and propeller of the State wheel
Pullback.
Keeper of the State snow-shovel-
Pickles Smith.
IT accept,p came from the mouth of
every person named as soon as the Presi-
dent had finished, and the greatest con-
fusion prevailed all over the hall.
"Gem'len," said brother Gardner as he
brought his gavel down with whack,
lit can't be did! Dis club has taken a
sartin stand on de subject of polyticks,
an dat stand will be maintained. De
mint dat dis club accepts favors from
office holders we kin no longer condemn
W hat we know to be bad. De object of
gibbin' us de offices named am to keep
dis club still fur de mex two vars. Shall
we sacrifice principles for money"
Eyes, yes!" was cried from various
corners.
Does anybody appeal from de decish-
un of dis Chair?
Yes, yes, yes !
The old man calmly unhitched himself
from the desk, walked down to the CEN
ter of the hall, and looking in six or
seven directions he quickly remarked:
(which am de cognomen of the indi'
widual who 'peals from de decishun OF
de CHAIR
D.zAl.Ixx z:1o~oo
If de Chair can't sustain his decishur
he will resign
Not foot moved while the thirteen OF
the bull's-eye watches carried by mem
bers suddenly stopped dead still.
DE Seckretary will make note of dc
fack dat de hydra. headed sarpint of re
bellion has been crushed said Brother
Gardner as he walked to his desk.
TOO SOON.
Prof. Gaboon Martin then offered the
following resolution:
Resolved, Dat dis Lime-Kiln Club does
indorse Benjamine F. Butler, Governor
elect of Massachusetts.
Samuel Shin favored the resolution
and was getting his mouth ready for
speech when Brother Gardner said:
1T am too soon. De time to indorse 9
Gub'ner am arter his term has expired
instead of befo' it has begun. De moas
dat dis club can io at de present time an
to express de hope dat Benjamin will
make better Gub'ner dan he did Gin
eral.'
SOME TIME HENCE.
After song by the Glee Club and al
intermission of five minutes to rearrang
the stove-pipe, Elder Whiteside arose ant
said he would like to make speech thir
teen minutes long.
ON what subjicT asked the President
'On de attitude of England toward he
dependencies