The Evening critic., 1882-09-19
A STUDY OF LIFE
From the Cheap Boarding-House
Point OF vfew--Queer Characters
who Appcar I'm Hash Houses.


Point OF vfew-Queer Characters
who Appear In Hash Houses.
There is, perhaps, no better place In tho
world TO study human nature I'm Its variety
than In one OF Washington's cheap boarding.
houses, where, thrown promiscuously to-
gether, are found men who once occupied
front seats In the auditorium Of life, as well as
those whose tickets have ever called for roar
ones, but all of whom have now become spec
iators in the minim.priced sectlon-the cheap
hash dispensary-of which the Capital City is
so prolific.
THE CRITIC camera having been brought to
bear upon somo OF the characters mentioned,
their pictures, around which cling the flavor
OF alleged beefsteak, horculean butter and
that odoriforous compound OF mystery com
monty known as hash, are prcsented-victims
OF fate and hide.bound landladlos.
The Boarding.HouseD Doctor
Is generally glibtongued, seody and astuto.
looking, tho exact whereabouts OF his medical
knowledge not being known; but It is cur.
rcntly supposed that ut somo time botwoon In.
fancy and maturity he has been instrumental
in administering mustard plaster internally
or an emetic externally. Then again his title
may be tho result Of tho fact TINT he was at
one time, or is even now, inventor, patentoe,
proprietor and manufacturer of "Tlbbs' Far
famed Dack.acting, Doublojolnted, Triple
connected Fluid Pain Killer" OF "smith's
Royal sc.le.hal.la.lu.iah.cr Inc" moro famil-
iarly known as "1ndian Liver Cure" The
doctor is talkativo, proud and generally good
feeder. His conversation usually runs on tho
topic he is least acquainted with-mediclno-
and he is invariably found In the s3a.week
boarding. ghouse, excusing his presence there
by saying no is seeking plain food after years
OF luxurious living In high Priced hotels.
The Claimant
sometimes has only one claim before Congress-
or tho Departments, but II more frequently
happens that he has several, representing
thousands OF dollars. He is varied In appear
ance, an honored member OF tho crank family,
and always possesses an extraordinary
In his makeup and which Is terrifying to tho
landlady whom she presents her bill for settle
ment After q reasonable and unsuccessful
stay in Washington, the claimant, "by and
with the consent and advice" OF his attorney,
goes homo for additional evidence. But he'll
be back and pay his board bill. "oh, yes;
madam, my high sense of honor Will not per.
nit mo to dcfraud you. I'll pay you doubly
when return and my claim passes all right"
He "passes" away, and tho bill becomes
worthless reminder of her friend, the claim
ant.
The Omce.Secxer
is various. Ho comes in all kinds OF shapes
and sizes, "done mp In oil kinds of parcels,
ferent positions, from Minister to China to
messenger In ono OF tho Departments. He is
sometimes crank, and usually a bad invest.
ment to boarding.houses. Although unsuc-
cessful nine times out OF ten, ho stays in the
city long enough to do tho public buildings,
and then leaves a mourning landlady In the
background.
The Cheap Tourist
is another transient character, who 'catches
onto" our cheap boarding. houses, represent.
ing himself generally as jay Gould's brother,
| and seeking ordinary boarding. houses TO aSoid
being feted and otherwise publicly celebrated,
as he is Of St retiring disposition: He nearly
landiady's debt to the extent OF several weeks
| board.
To enumerate all of the ''queers" who "feast
and fatten" on our cheap boarding-h -houso
cruel without price or cost would bo to con-
sumo columns, so THE CRITIC Will briefly re.
| view the regulars who are anchored In Wash
| ington and who pay as they so.
The Shy and Coy Maiden,
so-called ironically, is from 25 to so years OF
| age, and is an empioye In some Government
Bureau or Department. She is not usually
Venus. she therefore wears wears long Slowed
dresses, high in the neck, to hide her scrawny
anatomy, the inevitable result of indigestible
| compounds, such rs hash, bread. pudding and
wiry steak. She partakes of her meals witt
| an elegance and grace which would do credi
TO genuine Countess, and sips her fragrant
| 17-cent-per- cofree with the utmost
nicely, casting sly and .winsome glances the
| while over the board at tho tourist or doctor.
She is n Great Masher
and carries many scalps on her belt OF those
asplrants whose business called them sud
denly away. Her heart is inpenotrable from
long service and cannot be broken.
| The Slim COrmOrant
| is so.called because OF his unfathomed appe
tite, and digestive peculiarlty akin to M th'
tough, like the becfsteak he defeats at ever.
meal time. Table etiquette is not I'm his vo
| cabulary; he shovels In large mouthfuls o
food with his knife; sacrifices whole buck
wheat cakes at ono gulp; destroys fearfu
quantity Of powerful butter and nils tn
| hostess with dread. When she reminds hin
that choice (O beefsteak is high, he gentl!
concurs In the statement and goes on destroy
ing that article at n lively rate. 1t Is impossi
90. t.la l,t l.t. IA
slim and awful eater. A landlady reminded
cormorant, who was using an excess OF butter
fey days 9go, that butter was high. h n
what is II selling at, madam" he inquire'
In an Indifferent tone.
"why, It's away up to forty-fve cents" sh
replied, with some feeling.
replied, cutting of a full half pound with hi
knife and proceeding TO use 1t.
The slim cormorant Is losing Investment
and members Of tho tribe can only get into
boarding house by going there in characte
disguise. Once in house 1t is impossible
get rid of them-they are shrewd as well a
The Old MatrOn
Is another character In washington's chea
cruel dispensaries. She lives there on genera
Of tongue and disagreeable Of nature. Tn
other boarders shun her presence, with the e'
ception, now and then, OF the claimant or doc
| tor, who pour their woes and disappointmeI
into her ears. She is of q tenacious natur
| and lives great many years, even on tn
!. toughs OF cheap boardingh house layout.
Tho other characters are various, both 1
name and nature; peddlers, solicitors, "bum
| actors and actresses and cranks of man
| styles, representing the Heterogeneous mas
OF disappointed, expectant and persistent PEI
| pie who flnd their way TO the Nations Capt.,
,, Just as naturally as water flows down HILL b.
cause probably 1t Is the capital and they ha'
, | their little "axes to grind"
For human menagerie OF human curios
ties, the cheap Washington boardinS'hous
takes the prize every time.