New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1882-07-26
WIT AND HUM0R.


jewel of man he must be!'
Young Swell: "Fraulein Mathilde,
may offer you my arm?' ''Mathilde:
''Oh, this offering your arm is getting
monotonous. Why not offer me your
band for changer
a"'Adolphus, let us leave the avenue
and stroll along the margin of the riv-
err mot any. Evangeline; no more
margins for me-" (Adolphus had been
specializing in futures that weekly
The broom-drill mania is extending
all over the country, but it is noticed
that the young ladies who are most eX-
pert in the drill generally 60 off on
visit when housekeeping commences.
Said Kate to her new husband,
"John, what rock does true love split
upon?' Quoth John, and grinned from
ear to ear, ''The rock Of yonder cradle,
dear.''
We saw q young man going zig-zag
up the street the other day, singing,
'sMoney is hard thing to borrow" A
wag exclaimed, eyes, and tight thing
to pay back.'
Said Tom: ''Since have been abroad
| I've taken so much veal that I'm
ashamed to look calf in the face" Il
s'posc, sir, them" said wag, you con-
trive to shave without glass"
A witty lady, who is, however, some
what given to exaggeration, was trying
to tell a friend what poor appetite she
had, and said. II eat very little; \ flea,
would be barbecue for me-"
lis the bowling of dog always fol-
lowed by dcath?" asked little girl of
her father. "Not always, my dear; be-
cause sometimes the man that shoots
misses him. was the reply.
Young ladies with artificially clear
compilations should not permit the
men to kiss them on the cheek if they
would become married. 10 90 off
quickly, they should keep their powder
dry.
vase?' ''Ah! Madame, nothing could
be easier. l had it in my hand-like
this-and struck it against the corner
of the table, so-' And he breaks the
mate to it.
! A man advertises for an ''amiable
wife, and has had the supposed treas
ure for, one week, expresses himself
thus obscurcly: She hadn't been in the
house twenty-fonr hours before the milk
| sOurcd.'
! An auctioncer, by birth native of the
Green Isle, caused to be printed on his
handbills ut recent sale, every. ar
ticlc sold goes to the highest bidder, UNI
less it SO happens that some gentleman
bids more"
| Young man (wishing young lady to
notice his embryo m.'stache) ''Well, I've
been trying to raise mustache for the
last two weeks Young lady-'.I am
sorry you had it shaved off before saw
it," Young man faints.
Counting episode: The gothic style of
handwriting, now so popular among
young ladies, may have its disadyant-
ages. 1t is said that a young man who
received specimen of it could not tell.
for the life of him, whether it was eyes,
with pleasure ::No, thank you," or y
sketch of Il picket fence. $50
Cook" Madame, may 1 ask you for
my tcstimonials?' Mistrcss-''What do
you expect me to write. You worthless
creature? Surely, you can't expect me
to say that l am satisfied with YOU"
Cook-''Isn't necessary Only write
that remained with you three months.
That will be my best accommodation"
II met Mr.. Miggles to-day remark.
cd Mrs. Chippick. ''Hc'squite changed
man. hardly know him, he's so chip
per and lively" .'Indccd,' responded
her husband gravcly. elbow very
strange! I read in the paper that his
wife sailed for Europe last week.
Brooklyn Eagle.
A certain preacher once took for his
text, Husbands, love Your wives"
Pausing for moment. he glanced to-
ward Emily, (his wife) and began as
follows: ''Now. brethering, we sartinly
don't love our wives as we'd orter. l
don't love Emily as orter, but if l was
to have another wife, I'd love her bet
term l hey Emily?"
The father of the family examines his
watch with perplexity. II can't UNDER
stand, my love- he says to his wife,
"what's wrong with this watch. Isup-
pose it wants to be cleancd.'' "Oh, no,
pa replies one of his olive-branches,"
lit can't be dirty, for baby and were
scrubbng it all morning in the bath-tub
with the hair brush, and we used plenty
of soap"
| A man of good address presents HIM
self ut a house, desiring employment.
The gentleman to whom he applies, af-
ter asking few questions, says: swell,
my good fellow, like your looks, and
I'm willing to engage yon.'' Il have
also favorable impression of monsieur,
and will give him an answer after
making inquiries in respect to the house,
which will result, have no doubt, most
favorably."
( An Englishman, being accustomed to
pace his room late into tie night, and
wearing heavy shoes, his neighbors on
the right and left, and in the story be-
low, combine and make him a present
Of the most comfortable pair of slippers
that money could buy. The English
man receives the gift with gratitude, and
is SO pleased with his slippers that he
puts them on whenever he goes out to
walk, reserving his shoes entirely for
the house!
j. NJ. s., Little Rock, Ark. "Can YOU
give me any receipt representing fence
posts? Please reply in yournext ISSUE"
We can't do it. We have asked sever
al ladies, and all of them say they never
tried it, believing that it would take too
much sugar, and that the thing wouldn't
be much of a delicacy any way. But
they say if you want to know how to fix
tomatoes or can green corn they can
flood you with information. Ieras Sitt-
tngs.
A New Notion: Engaged Sister ZEN
i gagged to thing with cheques-that is
to say, checks that is to say, with
both )-''Oh, how nice! The Proyident
Lovers Mutual Assurance association
] limifadA nnardinn ana; I'll 90: