The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1882-09-29
WIT AND HUMoR.

NCnuoioou cnJb 10 WAouco no Wuo y
rumor. for rumor soon gains currency.
and that he has never been able to do.
A French newspaper advertisement
reads: WANTED. distinguished and
healthy-looking man to be q cured pa
tent in q Doctors Office"
Sophrouia:-"What ia philosophy"
Well. dear. it is something that enables
person to bear with resignation the
misfOrtunes Of others.
The Cape Ann Advertiser tells how to
color old gold with horse-radish leaves.
What We want to know is how to get
any old gold to color.
Missouri has Just imported . cargo
Of jackasses. 1.-THE more one has the
more one wants." says an envious Ohio
paper.
The lah-de-dah cigarette smoking
young man is afectiOnately referred 70
by the Cleveland Leader as ''third-clas
male matter"
A Williamsburg debating society Is
nerving itself up to wrestle with the
question, when woman and mouse
meet. which is the most frightened"
Dialogue near the sea. on hotel piaz-
"a: Il do not see how you ladies can
remain here two months looking upon
the changeless ocean," "But the men
change" was the reply Of lady.
The most remarkable OF recent opin-
ions concerning divorce (by q woman
of course)-"Divorce is all very well in
its way. but prefer widowhood; it is
surer."
1t is said cornet player in Berlin
burst blood-vessel trying to sound a
Wagnerian double note. 1t is comfort
able to know that Wagner's is to be the
music of the future.
A hotel was burned down in New York
not long ago. and Texas editor lost all
his baggage. That is the reason the
papers said the loss was not as large as
was at first supposed.-Teras Sifiings.
They asked the crier in one of the
courts il he did not find it difficult to
while away the time during the hearing
Of dry cases. ''Oh. no." was the prompt
reply; Il just lean my head back and
sleep the sleep Of the judge"
Have you had your ears piercedg'
asked young lady Of her chum, who
lived next door. II should think So"
was the crushing reply. hearing you
sing every day." There Is now Q great
gulf Of GOODNESS between the two.
A theological student. supposed to be
deficient in judgment. in the course of
q class examination was asked by q pro-
fessor, pray Mr.. E.. how would you
discover fOolp' "By the questions he
would ask" said Mr.. Z.
English naturalists have Just discov-
cred that the English sparrow picks the
eyes out of the young of other birds.
The more one learns about the English
sparrow, the less good one can say Of
him. We believe he eats onions, and
sucks cOws.-HaOkeye.
An aesthetic invitation to dinner CON-
cluded with these words: II have asked
four minds to meet you" Thanks"
replied the uncultured one. II am aw-
fully sorry not to come, but have already
accepted an invitation to dine with four
stomachs the same night"
There is charming story told by Har-
ness of poor woman who, when one of
his curates pointed out that Providence
had been, upon whole. very good to
her. replied: 80 He'ave sir; so He ave,
mostly; I don't deny it; but sometimes
think He'ave taken it out in corns.
A Philadelphia boy was asked If he
ever prayed in church, and answered.:
"Oh, / always say q prayer, like all the
rest do, Just before the sermon begins"
"Indeedr responded the astonished
querist What do you sayg' snow
I lay me down to Sleep"
"Chawles," languidly drawled jose
phine. looking up from her book. II see
one Of the new studies Is trigonometry.
What is trigonometryp" "Trigonome-
try" said Charles, toying with an inva-
lid moustache, sis a-aEis the science
of pulling the trigger, of course" ~
thought So" said Josephine, resuming
her novel.
An eccentric Scotch Lord has left his
property. worth $780, 900. to his serv-
ants. We never hear of servant leav-
ing $500, 600 to his employer, but in this
country such thing would be possible,
If the servant was engaged one season
at summer-resort hotel N0rriStODn
Herald.
A dry goods clerk, who had q most
outlandish way of walking. had to 60 to
distant part Of the store to find some
goods which party of feminine Gus
toners desired to see. "Walk this way,
ladies'" he called, as he swung himself
off. But we can't walk that way"
cried pert miss; 1--WE never learned
that STYLE, you know" The clerk is
now drilling his tibia in the motions of
a new gait.
An old man with the palsy went out
to shoot squirrels, taking his son with
him to carry the gun. Spying q half
dozen in tree the boy took aim, fired
and missed several times in succession.
The old man took the gun in his shak-
ing hands, put in fearful charge Of
powder and shot. fired and brought
down three. There! that Is the way
to shoot squirrels" well" answered
the son, Il might have done as well if
! had fired all over the tree at the same
time"
A young Austin doctor. who had just
graduated, was asked the following qaes-
ton by an old practitioner: Suppose
you were called in to see q wealthy pa
tent and there was nothing the matter
with him. what would you dol" Il
would suggest that he set up the wine to
celebrate bis narrow escape from having
me treat him professionally" Young
man, you have . heap to learn, I" was the
reply Of the old doctor.-1ezas Siftings.
Those who have been pestered to death
by the irresistible dandelion on their
lawns may now take heart. The pest
will poster them no more. Eastern mar
kets have begun to utilize them for
greens. so that gardeners cultivate them
for sale. The plant having thus become
useful the bugs will eat 1t off above
ground, the grub viii saw its roots in
two, the sun will parch it to. death, the
rains will drown 1t out, the wind will
thrash 1t to strips, and the boys win dig
1t out and steal It. Thus the dandelion,
which has been among the first Of the
weeds to coax its way into human favor
In the spring by throwing out Its golden
blossoms as sort of flag Of truce and
peace offering combined, will retire from
the field and the lawn to the seclusion
of the guarded greenhouse. Detroit
Free Press. "
A German satirist has produced the
following fable: 'There was once four
flies, and they were hungry one morning.
The first settled upon . sausage and
made q meal. But he speedily. died Of
intestinal Inflammation, for the sausage
was adulterated with aniline. The SEQ
ond fly breakfasted upon -four. and
forthwith succumbed to contraction Of