The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-07-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

very sweet" replied James; 'that is to
say, she is well preserved.
A Connecticut man aged seventy-four,
and once worth $4,000, has been ar
rested for stealing eight cents worth of
spruce lumber. Poor old mani Not
enough left to pay for his board.
An Eastern journal of health says that
eating onions is a cure for nervousness.
IL is generally noticed that the onion
eater ID the most complacent man in the
car.
Spurgeon has delivered over sixteen
hundred sermons, and yet he says he
doesn't begin to know the Bible vet.
That's poor consolation for those who
have listened to him.
A Detroiter who found baby in a
floursack on his doorstep didn't take it
in until he had looked for the XXX's
on the sack. He didn't care for sec
ond-class article.
A Brooklyn detective says that at
least three out of every five women in
that city consult fortune-teller three or
four times year. The other two-fifths
go it blind.
The average lawyer can do more sus-
picous work without being debarred
than the average citizen can do and
keep out of State prison, but some pro-
fessions were born for luck.
Greece has captured or killed more
than 300 bandits in the last. year, and
yet the supply is sufficient to gobble up
every traveller who looks as if he could
raise dollar and half on pinch.
Dear metz said Mrs. Partington the
othsf day, ''young girls nowadays are
not what their mothers used to be.
Half of them are sufferers from nervous
perspirationr'
Some scientist now observes that even
the clam has parasites. He would have
observed as much before if he had ever
noticed the crowd around a free chow
der. -.
ssYou are as full of airs as a music
box" is what young man said to a girl
who refusedato let him see her home.
THAT may be- was the reply, ''but
don't go with crank"
The way the doctors go to work to
get billiard ball out of mans mouth
is to oil his Jaws and pull out his front
teeth. 1t is an operation requiring q
great deal Of patience and deep think
ing.
There may not be panic in this
country for two or three years to come,
but the man who bets on a horse race
without having first posted himself on
which animal is to be allowed to win
viii help contribute to hard times.
That New Yorker who hasn't closed
his eyes in sleep for the last thirteen
wears has determined to hire out on a
farm this summer. Inside of two weeks
his employer will have to haul him out
of bed by the feet to get his eyes open.
A Chicago belle was to have been
married this week, but the ceremony
has been postponed at the request of
her mother, who is now very fieshy and
wants further time to reduce herself to
fighting weight.
At a young lady's seminary recently,
during an examination in history, one
Of the pupils was interrogated thus:
Mary, did Martin Luther die a natural
deathP'' 'No, was the reply, ''he was
communicated by u bull
A newspaper agent being told by an
old lady that it was no use to subscribe
for the papers, as Mother Shipton said
the world was coming to an end this
year, said: "But won't you want to
read an account of the whole affair as
soon as it is Overp'' THAT l will," an
swered the old lady; and she subscribed.
Some awfully mean scoundrel filed a
grocer's whisky barrel with rain water,
and the next Monday morning the su-
perintendent of schools, the president OF
the temperance alliance. and two school
teachers came round to the store, de-
nounced the astonished grocer as a
swindling thief and perjured villain,
and demanded their $3.50 back again.
The composer Hellmsberger, of Wen
ia, once noticed well-known dramat-
&c author laughing during one of his
performances. After the concert he
met him and asked: ''Why did you
laugh while playedP Did you ever see
me laugh at your comediesp"
Old Slobson was raking in the front
yard yesterday, when he noticed boy
gazing through the picket fence in a
most earnest manner. What are you
ioingP" asked the old man. Watch
ing the Rake's Progress" replied the
boy, as he lodged just in time.
fncautious use of slang: She decorat-
ed her room with bric-a-brac end pic
lures, and perched her husbands photo
on the topmost nail. Then she sat down
TO admire her work, and blissfully re-
marked: Nov, everything is lovely,
and the goose hangs high"
A growler's luck: .'This is lust nv
luck" said the gloomy man at the thea
ter. Here's performance going that's
so bad it's agonizing to witness, and it,
the first time in six months that !
haven't had woman with a bath-tub ,
hat in front of me when I've been to .
the theater?'
A school-mistress, while taking down
the(names and ages of her pupils, and
of their parents, at the beginning of the
term. asked one little fellow, whats
your fathers name?'' "Oh, you needn't
take dogn his name; he's too old to GO
to school to woman" was the inno-
cent reply.
rs this my train" asked a traveller
st the Grand Central Depot of a loun-
ger: II don't know" was the reply. II
see it's got the name of some railroad
company on the side, and expect it be-
longs to them. Have you lost train
anywhereP'
An Illinois girl lately called at cor
oner's office and, addressing the soli-
tary occupant of the apartment, said:
"Be you the coronerP'' II guess you'd
think SO if you ever see an undertaken
shake hands with me-" blandly an
swered the official. ''You amt going
away nowheres for day or two, be
your "Not that L know'' ..Well, I'm
glad to hear it, continued the maiden
with an air of much encouragement.
johnny Bowles have been keepin'
company with me since Christmas but
hear that he's going to take another
girl to the circus tonight and if he does
I'll swallow p'ison."
The Silver City, N. M, Watch Dog is
the smallest of all small newspapers ev-
er laid before US. Although it has just
made its first bow (wow) to the public,
and is therefore entitled to the endear-
ing application of-shall we say ''babe'
or ''pupp--it is strong enough to stand
straight uponits legs and speak plainly,
which it does after this fashion on the
Indian question: "And SO the farce
goes on. Official patronage sends some
wire-pulling Demas down to doctor the