The Ottawa free trader., 1882-04-01
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

The cry OF Egypt-Wherc's my mummy!
A back biter-A man without front teeth.
A doughmestic difficulty Heavy bread.
Always puts his best foot hindmost-The mule.
The dark ages were caused by the numerous
knights in those days.
How to procure telling eilcct-Communicate
secret to a woman.
II is noticed that many of the most promising
Young men fail to keep their word.
A Kansas woman found in tramp who had
called at her house long lost brother. some
folks do have hard luck.
When the aesthetic craze adopts knee. .breeches,
il can be seen upon what slender foundations So
ciety rests.-NetC orleans Picdyuno.
"a man would be heap better off if he was
as perticler bout dc whisky he drinks as he Is
bout de water" remarks an observant old dar-
key.
An Indiana evangelist asks: Can adcmocrat
get to heaven" Hardly, If republican return
ing board is allowed to make the count.
Isn't il little singular that Peter, who had
been in the habit of going atishing, should have
been so staggered at the little lies told by An
anias and Sapphira:
Utica clergyman had occasion to refer In
sermon TO the prophet Jonah, and the report
says that he delcately spoke of him as having
passed three days and three nights in the
whale's-ahem--so
man accompanied by an undertaken was
seen entering a Washington newspaper office
the other day. It is supposed the mans busi-
,, nd ~ he N
dertakers to take his measure.
John b. Cough is suffering from neuralgia of
the stomach. The State Register thinks this is
terrible warning to persons who fill themselves
with cold water in the winter time.
No, Mollie, were We in your place we would
not pay 80 for one of those big fuzzy hats. just
take an old government blanket and stretch II
over a large hogshead hoop-thc larger the bot
ter. You will notice the letters U. ). on the
blanket. That means under side.-1OLedo An,ert.
co0.
When mans hair stands on end, an ordinary
person says his hair stands; but you can't get u
doctor to talk in that way. The doctors call II
horripilstion. This makes the patients hair
stick up worse than ever, but 1t gives the family
confidence In the doctor. Proridenoe Journal,
CHICAGO POETRY.
Over the meadows 80 fresh and green
GallOps the Lady Clare;
cut on the breeze, like o silvety sheen,
Floats her new black hair.
Past goes her stced over hill and dale,
Wonderful are his jumps;
Look out, my lady, your horse grows pale.
Soon he will have the thumps.
Little you're thinking, my lady proud
Beautiful Lady Glare
That soon In grici will your head be bowed,
Blufling on two small pair.
Green grows the Ivy on churchyard wall,
Soon will the flies be here;
Then will Lord Ronald, thy love, thy all,
Tackle the new book beer. Tribune.
Here we have a Greenbacker He seems Troubled
about Something. He is Troubled about the Ma.
,ional Debt. He is Grieving because the Coun
try Of his Nativity owes one Billion Dollars The
other Man around the Corner is u Grocery Man.
lie, too, is Troubled, but he is not Worrying
about the National Debt. Oh, no. He Is Wor
rying about the one Dollar and Forty cents which
The Greenbackcr owes him.-Uenpcr Tribune
Primer
Washington Bohemian claims that tho mu.
seal travesty called Patience" Is a plagiarism
from an opera he had written In praise OF Pro.
lection, to be brought out by the American Iron
and Steel Association. The opera opened with q |
touching
Chorus Of Protected Manufacturers.
Twenty balf-sick paupers we,
Halfsick Of our own shrcwd will:
Twenty years hence We shall be |
Twenty halfslck paupers still.
tR1i o1ter timer laid modtatipeiy on nose ctl cyc
icinkng.
Mayor Harrison Of Chicago is thoughtful and |
uonsiderate civic magistrate. He wrote as fol. |
lows on the commitment Of woman to the city |
prison THE City Physician reports that the |
prisoner is about TO become mother. 1t may
be boy. The boy might be President OF the |
United States. Must he DC born in the Bride. |
wely Her name Is Harrison-May Harrison |
Pbe boy might be Mayor. He must not be born
in the Bridewell. Never! Never!! Never!iv'
The woman was released. The child is girl.
BALLADINE
She was the prottiest girl, | wecn,
That mortal eye had ever seen;
Her name is Anuabal Christine
der bangs were curled with bandOlne
Her cheeks were smoothed with vaseline,
der teeth we're brushed with fine delatine,
Her lace was washed with coalnc, |
Her gloves were cleaned with gasoline,
She wore dress OF grenadne,
Looped over a skirt OF brillIantine
Her petticOat was bombazine,
Her foot was shod with kid bootinc,
Her wounds were healed with cosmolinc
She sailed away from Muscatine
In ship they called brIgantine;
She flirted with gay marine
Till they reached the Republic Argentine,
Where they were married by the Dean,
And lived on oleomargarine.
Noah Webster a celebrated author. He |
was q quick and ready writer, and in one of his
inspired moments dashed off a dictionary. He
look ii to several publishers, but they SHE'D at
u, saying the style was turgid dry, hard, and un
Interesting, and, besides, that he used too many
big words. Bat at last Noah succeeded, and the
immortal work is in daily use, proppipg up ba
sies at the dinner table.-Steuben Republican.
WANTS HIM BACK.
1t was proud young lumberman
Who axed my heart and hand
"lf yew love me as love yew
Our marriage shall be planned"