The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-05-17
COMIC COMMENTS.

S"hS mo WHO Wy ottth bCSuUSc BIO 10 uiNdJn
on the watch. Boston Transcript
Precautionary Tom Thumb has quit
smoking. 1t was feared that if he continued
the habit he might become stunted. -Bos-
ton Transcript.
Deterioration Jones says that he used
20 be proficient in half dozen languages,
but since he was married he is not even
master of his own tongue. Boston Tran
script.
In bad way; sAre you dead Tim ?"
said an Irish father to his son, who had fall
en- down we'll Not dead, father, but
spacholess," came up from the Depths
Anon
"A smart small boy; Money makes
my ma go" said little skeesicks when his
mother armed with 500 greenbacly, left
fora downtown shopping tour. Chicago
Journal.
"A tart compliment: "Don't you think
that Miss Brown is a very sweet girl 9n asked
Horny. 'soh, yes, very SWEET replied
Jane; "that is to say, she is well preserved
boston Transcript.
Double-barreled metaphors Lawyer to
witness" You've brass enough in your face
to make forty gallon KETTLE" Witness to
lawyer" And you've sap enough in your
head to fill it."-7r0y Times.
Model footgear; Somerville shoe
maker advertises to mako temperance boots
and shoes, or, in other words, boots and
shoes that are never so tight as to be disa-
greeable. Somereile Journal
AN aesthetic incident; "Look ct -"
said Joughnes to Smith, pointing to q man
striding up and down piazza at q Watering
place with corrugated brow "the d. f.
thinks he is thinking. Boston Herald
"A lesson in language: $50 your
lighter has married rich husband ?"
"Well, slowly replied the father, 81 be-
lieve she has married n rich man, but | un-
derstand he is very poor husband Hart
ford Times.
Knocked down by conundrum at
is poor taste to laugh at your own jokes"
said Henderson; something never do,
though do say it." "Does anybody else
ever laugh ut them Pr asked Fogg. Boston
Transcript
lilo wasn't saying anything: "Man
and wife are all one, arc they? ?" said she.
Yes; what of it?' said he suspiciously
"Why, in that case" said his wife, II
came home awfully tipsy last night and feel
terribly ashamed of myself this morning.
He never snid word Teras SJyings.
Profitable iolSe-cracking wicked
man Inns been getting dollar apiece from
supplemented farmers by sending them
through the mnil "rocipo" to prevent
pumps from freezing on cold nights. The
answer to the farmers letters was "Take
them in doors over night. boston Her
aid
Turning defect to good account; One
of our friends advertised for serving man,
and the next day appeared stout person of
grave air wearing enormous blue spectacles.
"Have you weak eyes 2n said our friend.
"No, sir" said tho applicant, "but scour
pots and things so thoroughly that the Gilt.
ter of them hurts my sight lie Figaro.
"A questionable complaint: Gracious
mel" exclaimed Sarah, looking into the
glass; chow awfully my hair looks.
haven't combed it for two days" "Why,
Sarah" said Lydia, "is it possible2 /
never should have suspected it. 1t looks
es well as ever snw it." Sarah didn't know
whether to feel complimented or insulted. -
Boston transcript.
"A modest disclaimer. The professor
Opening his wife's prayer-book by chance)
-" With NIL my worldly goods thee en-
dowp Why when we married, Marin, !
hadn't penny to bless myself with, let
alone to endow your Marin" No, my
love; but you had magnificent intellect
and endowed me with that" The profess-
Or" No, didn't, Maria. "--Punch.
Explanatory Two "lonfers" in tho
Jardin DIES Plantes nro staring ut the boa
constructor, which nfter the fashion of bon
constructors, had cured its tail up at the tip.
"Hallo !" says one loafer "Why has he
tied himself into knot 2" The other man
reflects for n moment and then replies
ooh, that's because there was something he
wanted to remember" And they both went
OF staring Cham.
Things one would rather have left un-
said Nervous person Speaking at last to
his neighbor)--" Do you know who that re-
markably ugly person is just opposite-talk-
ing to the black-haired lady, you know--um
--eh ?" Neighbor" That, sir is my broth
or" Nervous person" Yes2 I-I-beg
your pardon--I-I--stupid of me not to
have seen the family likeness
(Collapses and disappears. Punch.
Very narrow escape: A youth of Hi
bernian extraction in choppng wood with
Ratchet the other day was so unfortunate
MS to Craze the thumb of his left hand with
which he was steadying the piece OF kind
ling he was splitting Ruefully gazing at
tho injured member he remarked: "Be
CORA, IL was n good thing ! did not have
hold OF the handle with both hands, or I'd
have cut it off ure."- Waterbury RepubH'
can.
Committee still in session: "Rufus,
wha' come 20 yo' brudder? ?" "Wha brud-
der yo mean, mammy?" :" VIVA brudder
Now, Rufus, is yo' gwan to intermate dat
dars been a freshet o. boys in you family !"
No, NANNY / hain't intermatin', but yo'
knows d ole man TUX seben OBJ 'em off on a
clam hunt dis mornin', an nine OBJ de res
hn'n't come hum fo'm las nights coon rum
pus, an free oh dc balance is down wild dc
meazles, an les yo' means Glenn, dis ker.
~
mel.
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An EDIBLE ACCOUNT BooK.-A firm VI
masons at Newburyport, Massachusetts,, en-