Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1882-06-21
The Theory Of Drusn.Mators.

The military and brass band season having
fairly opened, it is demonstrated beyond doubt
that, by careful selection and hybrIdizing, New
York has succeeded in producing the finest
most Timber and gorgeous variety of drum-major
in the world. Philadelphia may cavil at our
cabbages and Baltimore smile in her small way
at our radishes and beer gardens Brooklyn may
sheer at our lack Of reliable kraut and Boston
point with pride to her superior attractions in
the baked bean and Beethoven line; but this
season these eEvlOus cities are compelled to
groVel when 1t comes to question of yellow,
Dlue, green, or even notified drum majors while
our striped varieties are equal to their best.
II Is well known that at the time of his death
the lamented Mr.. Darwin was collating the vari-
GUS lines Of his origin, of species, In hopes of
being able to satisfactorily account for the drum
major For while he was inclined to believe
that the flamngoe was remote ancestor. but
the total absence OF even a rudimentary affiIia-
ton for brass bands in that noble bird made the
theory untenable Next, the somber lines of
the sandhiil crane baffled him. although it's ex-
traOrdinary sOlemnitysanA length of leg seemed
to indicate possible relation. Likewise did he
have to abandon the dodO. the Brazilian macan
and the African turkey. The first was digniied
enough but lacked the requisite legs; the second
had somewhat the proper colors, but showed
too much levity; the third marched well and
had the appropriate breast and complexion, but
was altogether too approachable by humber
10Wi TO serve as prOgenitOrs of line of absolute
drum majors. 1t was at this point in his labors
that Mr.. Darwin went to rest. leaving his theory
unsustained.
Professor Doremus recently gave it as his
opinion that Mr.. Darwin was closest the truth
when searching among the tribes of Turkey for
ne argued, the turkey and the drum-majOr are
both essentials of an American holiday No
Fourth OF July. Tor example, could be cOnsid-
cred complete without course Of public drum
major at say IL am, and q course of private
turkey, with suitable trimmings. at about D.
m The absence of either would be fatal to the
success of even WashingtOn's birthday or an
inaugural. He cited also Mr. Warren Ieland's
statement that when three choice picnichin o
drum-majorS were Introduced into his hotel at
Long Branch last year, they caused disappear
ance of quantity Of turkey almost fabulous As
MIR. Leland is not scientist. however his OBJ
seryatiOn is of little value
Without claiming to be scientist Mr.. Theo-
dore Thomas recently, in a treatise ON ''The
Buil-tddie as Promoter of Badness" turned
the current of inquiryin the right direction Mr..
Darwin holds that when an organ or muscle be-
comes useless it deteriorates and RAPIDLY disan-
pears. Mr.. Thomas remarks that, except on the
DOW hair was practically Of no use in bass viol
playing, and that, in perfect accordance with
Darwin's law. he had noticed that virtuosos on
that profound instrument were invariably with
out back hair Professor E. R. Paige, Of Omaha.
read Mr. Thomas treatise and having observed
that drum-majOrs are invariably related to brass
bands, sought to explain their presence as due
to the same law inversely applied. By con-
stantly residing in Omaha, where brass bands
and nre companies are considered as essential
to funeral as the corpse, and turn out also on
all occasions of local or general excitement the
professor has been able to study drum -maiors
daily. He noticed by closely observing men,
bers OF GRASS bands that buttons and gOr-
geousness Increased in exact proportion to de-
crease in size of the horn. Thus. if the gentle
man who snorted on the tuba had seven buttons
In front, four behind and three rudmentary
veins of gold laces running down each leg. the
gentleman who grunted on the trombone would
be sure to have twenty-nine buttons in front.
sixteen behind, and six well-defined gold lace
roads up the trousers, while the gentleman who
squealed On the cornet would have nearly the
entire leg gilt, and with buttons be more
freckled than shortcake.
''The cornet being the smallest possible in
strument, argued the professor, ''there Is only
one way, therefore, to crowd on more buttons
and gold, and that lie to abolish the horn alto
gether. This being done, the drunn-Inajor ia the
| natural result" THIS perorati0n to his paper,
read before the 0mahs Academy of Sciences
seems indisputablyte settle the question.
Whythe drum-majOr should also be gifted with
limberness and agility Is well as buttons is q
liberality Of nature not yet clearly explained
But as each year brings forth its holidays, it is
are becoming more and more wonderful in their
eVolutt0ns. Mr. Gilm0res drum-mnj0r, for ex-
ample, while passing the President ca Decor
alton day twitted his baton twenty times
In two seconds. flung It sixty feet in the air and
threw three somersauits and handsprings before
it came down again: This was pronounced by all
witnesses, except two OF tIrec who were mem-
bers OF the Brooklyn Tabernacle, to be the
state.
Drum-majors being d public necessity, too
much care cannot DO taken tn their culture, and
now that the laws governing their eyolufions
are known. newer and finer varieties may be
yearly expected.
The common council OF Burlington, N J., have
streets be arrested and placed at work Il 1a