Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1882-09-10
FUN GALORE.
Cns Touch Of Humor Makes the
Whole Worid Grin.
The Waits and strays Of 1 Humorous
Nature that are Continually
Going the Rounds Of
the Press.
MISCELLANEOUS sMlRKs AND SMILES.

Fat Boy-No, you can raise chickens
from egg plants. You might rs vel
try to raise calves from n cow-catcher.
Inuuirer-lAre there any signs OF :
hard winter~ There are. Seven Eng
lish lecturers threaten to visit this coNn
Try
do fish pers7ire~ is question nov
agitasing SCIENTIST They make q MAJ
sweat who tries TO catch them, gener
ally.
A child being asked what wers' thu
three great feasts of the Jews promptly
replied: breakfast, dinner, and sup
per-"
What can't be cuaed must BE- indoor
ed, as the physician remarked when b,
ordered llls patient into close confine'
ment.
Albert SsRWill is an Indianapolis man
who has hid nineteen fights becaus,
somebody said: GIVE him to thu
hogs
A FrenchHan, feeling;in, complained
to an English friend thas' he hsd pair
in the portma Reau, by which be meant
hts chest.
The question whether ID j. right ia
keep savage bull dog IN church
ward to bite msrauders is puf1ding Z
Milwaukee vesty.
"Anaateur Garden" warss to know
theeasiest way to- make a hOt-bouse
Leave box of matches whsre the baby
can play with them.
Some physiciansperscribeb bicycles fol
dyspeptics. a man is kept so bsy
tinkering the raw spots that he forgts
al about the dyspepsia.
\ Kentucky book-agent WAS ATTACK
ed by robbers the otner day., hut h
succeeded in talking them TO death b.
fore the villains could escape.
The family physician asked the cler-
gymaR satirically how the pstriarchs
came to live so long. Because they
took NO physic," said the minister.
"a good many things that appear in
the newspapers are not true" This Is
because the newspapers have frequently
to get their informatiom. from human
beings
"You dog of a printer" cried an silrag,
ed poet, "you have not punctuatcd my
poem Mt all" "Ies, but you see, sir
/ am not pointer, Pm setter said
the printer.
Sidney Smith said to hi, ve>try, i'm
reference to block pavement about II.
Paul's: "All you have got to do gen
tlemen, is to put your heads together
and the thing is done"
A New York physician gives half
dozen reasons why Americans grow
bald. 1t isa great consolation 10 maj!
who has become bald to know that
there's reason for 1t.
Nearly all the southern papers charge
from 81 toSl0 per head for announcing
political candidates. In this manner
the press prevents rush Of over twenty
candidates for each office.
During a military parade In New
York town, last week, young man IN
the ranks tried to bow to three girls at
once, and broke his neck. y soldier
should he content with Hariee's tacticts
OH the march.
An Allegheny saloon-keepcr has been
fined s. for trying TO hang himself. n,
this II a good deal les, than his funeral
considered that he ought to eongrstu'
himself.
The gentleman who went of on q
vacation for rest and recreation, and To
recuperate from the tolls of the year,
has returned, and expects in about u
week to be sufficiently recovered to
work with some vigor.
An old citizen, returning to his home
from a banquet, meets another old
citizen coming from the opposite d.
rection. "Ish thish the avenue" ask
ed Mol. GLOW should ] know? was
at the banquet myself"
The rector to Irish plastcrer on lad
der, pointing Il wall: That mortar
must have been very bad.V Pat with
a grim: "Faix, We can't expict the
likes o. good Roman cimint 10 stick
to Protestant church, SORT"
Deacon Smith, of the Mount Calvary
Baptist Church, was fined 81 and costs
at Hartford for whipping brother
Baptist, who had charged him with a
fondness for policy-shops. "l'se a bang
up Christian and Brudder Lanes
liar" was the deacon's defense.
"Your honor and gentlemen Of the
Jury, acknowledge the reference OF
counsel Of the other side to my gray
hair. My hair is gray, and 1t will con-
tinue to be gray as long az ! live. The
hair of that gentleman L, black. and
will continue to be black as long ~ he
dyes"
A Nashville boy put thistle under
n mules tail tc see what the animal
would do, and the man who owned
the animal and wagon, and the folks
who had windows In that victiny,
would pay handsomely to get at the
person who set that mule 10 exerting
himself.
A famous temperance agitator sur
prised his son, lad OF Ia, In tho act OF
attempting TO extract the cork from
whiskey bottle. "What are you doing
there 81 he asked, Indignantly.
"Father," returned the boy, placidly,
81 cannot tell lie; I'm trying to solve
the Irish question: v
When Dumas was on his death-bed
and his end rapidly approaching his
faithful servant, who adored his master,
was sobbing audibly in corner OF the
chamber. Turning towards the spot,
his eyes dimmed in the death struggle,
Dumas family uttered: Don't weep,
my friend; II want anything up there
IN ring for YOU"
An Illinois boy fell down . cliff, and
was 50 injured that he had TO stay abed
a month. a physician prescribed drugs,
and a clergyman prayed daily for his
recovery. He il now well. The father
refuses TO pay the doctors bill OF 80,
believes that the cure was wrought by
prayer alone, but has given 80 To the
church. A lawsuit Is the result.
Not long ago venerable Scotch elder
was Obliged one Sabbath 10 walk sever
al miles to get TO the kirk; be was &C
compsuied by young man who, when
they had proceeded for an hour In sil-
ence, ventured TO remark II was "a
grand day :" wbereupon quoth the 9TH
er: "Whist, mon! il the Lords day
a suitable time to be clavering abouS the
weather."
Uncle Bone sauntered into the ofic<
with his bat of, fumbled. over N ex
change, wiggled about, and hn>ialy said
"Boss, Use gwine To church Tomorrow
say, boss, len me quarterly "Well
uncle what will Won do with n ss tiI'k