Smyrna times., 1882-09-13
WHOLE NO. l,4lS.
Current Comment.
PHILADELPHIA EVENING NEWS.

PHILADELPHIA EVENING NEWS.
The Irish question: How to get to
lmerica.''
TO prevent people from stealing your
fifty-cent one.
1t may be, as astronomers say, that
he earth is dying. Its extremities are
cold.
Hay fever is going out of fashion.
Quite a number of prominent person.
ages have neglected to have it this
year.
The average life of locomotive is
only thirty years, but the average life
of Il locomotive engineer is sixty. The
engineer can jump.
COttonseed oil is said to be equal to
lard for frying purposes and very much
cheaper. Dyspepsia will soon be in
reach of the poorer classes.
A new edition of Webster's DictiOn-
airy is to be issued with the definition
of Esthetcs" changed to "People
who make confounded fools of them
selves"
The American navy has twenty-five
cOmmodOres, but on account of the
scarcity of warships twenty -four of
them are obliged to lodge at Summer
resort hotels.
The next transit of Venus is to be
photographed, it is said; but We do not
see how the photographer will manage
to get the head of Venus iammed
between two iron prongs.
Ella Wheeler MARBLES "LOve is
enough" When Ella gets a husband
she will find that love won't be enough
for him. He will want a well-cooked
meal about three times a day.
\ city belle at Newport made a
wager that she could 90 into a barn
yard and milk a COW she saw there, the
first time trying. She lost the wager
The COW happened to be an OK.
In the opinion of the Steelton Repor-
ter 1t is time for all parties to begin
to talk less about men and more about
measures" The Steelton man has evil
IDENTIFY been buying fruit by the " box
and " basket"
: A woman in Elgin, ILL.,, preferred a
pair of diamond earrings to a trip
g around the world. She could read up
on the trip and lie about it, but the
e diamonds would have to be shown to
8, prove claim.-BOstOR Post
l William f. Fitzpatrick, the heir tC
: the throne of Ireland, says he viii
n have no trouble finding the records tC
g prove his claim. Perhaps not, but hi
will have a big job ahead when h'
starts to hunt for the throne.
e The war is over, and yet New Eng
d landers continue to pursue the Soutl
>, with vindictiveness which is withOu
n parallel. Some Yankee has just inven
10 ted ballotbox which makes it impos
J. sible for one white man to outvot
n twenty colored men.
1T 1t is stated that only twelve Unite
* States senators have presidential aspi
,e rations. This, however, does not ind
Mt cate that ambition is dead in th
a American breast. The remaining sens
re tors are like the boy who never aske
for a second piece of pie at hOme-h
"knowed it weren't no use"
e. Long-haired men are generally wea
O. and fanatical, and men with scant ha
nI. are the philosophers and soldiers an
ks statesmen of the wOrld.-LOndOn La
eft Get. We will bet ten to one that tf
editor of the Lancet is as bald as
nv billiard ball and spent all his spal
he cash in hair restoratives before l
100 settled down to the above conclusion
its The Pullman Company charges S.
,OO day for the use of n car, which i
MOO cludes the services of a conductor,
cook and two walters. Besides th
the person hiring a car-or in fact al
80 car-must buy eighteen full tickets
the railroad line over which the C
s.T passes. This may seem high, and Y
10 n great many parties prefer charteril
g n car in that way-you see there is
rIo porter to fee.
III DIR. Jimjames: Dear Sir.-This is
49, certify that for years 1 was deep
49,, distressed and unable to sleep at mig
III on account of a loud sound in my ca
the noise seeming to come from ne
door. Since inducing my neighbor
yn. take three boxes of your pills i
$ a trouble has entirely disappeared a
Ter. the sound is no longer heard. N. b
but That old snorer had an elegant funer
vas George ".
she
inst Farmers weep over the scarcity
son rain, says the Boston Traveller, and