News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-03-23
WIT AND WISDOM.

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AT A fashionable wedding in Phila-
delphIs recently, the absent-minded or
ganist played Empty is the cradle.
: He was retired on half pay.
IT is said that Prince Leopold was
made colonel in the British army that
he might be married in a becoming
uniform. The British army is OF some
use after all. Boston Post.
IT is time-honored custom in Quin-
} cy, Fla, to salute a newly-married
couple by firing cannon. That is to
remind them that the battle of life has
fairly begun. n..-BurlingtO Haa0keye.
In trial before a Justice at Dodge
City, Kansas, witness who was being
bullyragged by a cross-examining law
yer called on the Court for protection.
The Justice handed him a pistol. 81
have no further questions" said the
lawyer.
A LECTURER was explaining to little
girl how a lobster cast his shell when
he had outgrown it. Said he: "What
do you do with your clothes when
you've outgrown them. You cast them
aside, don't you?" "Oh, no." replied
the little one, "we let out the tucksi"
''T sr0v--T q t.l;...- . raid ,za=ag Punt
ing, to his fathers old friend, Mr.. This
tlepod, 81 should think you could
raise splendid grapes on this farm
"Don't know" replied the old man du-
biously, "haint tried to raise anything
but mortgage on it for the past three
years, an hain't raised that yet"
A VERY recent agony is for young
lady to forward by a district telegraph
boy tiny sleigh-bell to a welI-thought-
of gentleman friend. This signifies,
'You can put one hand on my muf
this evening if you viii only bring out
the sleigh" How coolly utter. .--NeD
Haven Register.
BARNUM gave the keeper of his ele-
phant $1,000 when he learned that
''mother and child were doing well. AS
the keeper is not obliged to get out of
bed at midnight to dose the baby with
paregoric to keep it quiet, his position
will be enyied by fathers whose income
is less than five hundred dollars year.
| -NoTriStoaOn Herald.
"WHY do they call the man who gets
married the groom, pa?" asked little
Alexander. "Because he curries favors
with his mother-in-law," said Philip,
Sand saddles his debts on his wife's
father, puts a check on her cousins visits,
whips the children, and drives while
the rest of the family pulls. ."-HasOk-
eye.
CAPTAIN PERCIvAL, Cape Cod mari
ner of the old school, was once
awakened in his bunk by shipmate
with the announcement that the vessel
was going to eternity. "Well," replied
the captain, "I've got ten friends over
there to one in this world; let her CO."
And he turned over and went to sleep
again.
The ladies sometimes speak very
harshly of the sterner sex. "The gen.
tleman you are to marry" said noodle
to newly engaged lady, "is certainly
a very good man, but he is eccentric and
| entirely unlike other men" "Wel,"
was the curt reply, " if he is unlike
other men it is all the more probable
that he will make a good husband -
A BILL has been introduced in the
Legislature to establish a "bureau of
labor statistics" with a secretary at
81, 900 year, and board of commits
sioners at $5 per day while actually em-
ployed. The bill does not state who
the offices are created for, but we sup
pose such bureau is ''imperatively de-
mauded," or some of the best workers
at the polls will kick. .-Hito0Gukee Sun.
Gus DE SMITH has quit boarding
with the widow Flapiaek on Austin
avenue. After having sausages for din
ner six consecutive days, he mildly
limited that he would like a change.
"Change p shrieked Mrs. Flapiack,
"why I've been buying sassangers this
week from four different butchers.
Amt that change enough for six dollars
d week ?"-IeraS &ttingS.
The following bill, from the Govern
ment officials who attended the York
town centennial, has been presented to
Congress to be audited and paid:
"Ice, S319; water, $25; sherry, $73;
wine, whisky, cigars and lunches,
So, 976." If we were on the Congress
sional committee that is to audit this
bill, says Western paper, we would
never allow that item of $50 for water.
It is fraudulent upon its face.
FoGG has q neat way of turning
compliment now and then. Seeing the
elderly Miss Pangly in the street the
other day he tried to avoid her, but did
not succeed. When they met, said Miss
Papgley, "Oh, you naughty man ! You
wanted to cut me-" Replied Fogg,
quite blandly, 81 should. be cutting a
pretty figure, wouldn't p" Miss
Pangley tells her friead, Miss Sage
green, that Mr.. Fogg is perfect gen.
tleman. Boston transcript.
In BERLIN the government won't allow
merchant to advertise "Closing out
below cost" unless he means it, and II
he does advertise it, they make him
stick to it. Thus do the effete mon
arches of a crumbling age paralyze the
latent mercantile energies of despair
ing people. Grateful indeed should we
be that in our own blest land man can
lie as hard as he wants to for twenty-five
cents line, or dollar square.
"OF what is the surface of the earth
composed 2" "Of corner lots, mighty
poor roads, railroad tracks, base ball
grounds, cricket fields and skating
rinks." "What is map ?" A map
is drawing to show the jury where
Smith stood when Jones gave him lift
under the eye." "What is mariners
compass ?" ga Jug holding four gal
Ions. :" "Name the different races.
Horse race, boat race, bicycle race
and racing around to find man to In
dorse your note.
A PRINCE who used to be poor now
fares sumptuously every day. "You
see," he explains obligingiy to friend
who has asked how he found the philos-
opher's stone, "there are lots of base
born churls that want to establish them