Connecticut western news., 1882-01-18
WIT AND WISDOM.


 A MAN is like an egg. You can't tell, whether or not he's good until he's "broke."
 THERE is, after all, ouly one real bone of contention in the world, and that is the iaw-bone.
 THERE is delicious sarcasm in the old proverb, "God help the rich, be- cause the poor can beg"
 THE young man who boasted that he could marry any girl he pleased, found that he couldn't please any.
 IF you will follow this rule, you will save yourself many heartache :- "Never bite till you find out whether 1t is bread or stone."
 IF you can trust your neighbor you may possibly be credulous man, but if you can honestly trust yourself you must be good one.
 NOTHING makes so much noise as 8 rickety wagon with nothing in it, un- less it be man who insists on talking when he has nothing to say. THE planet Saturn is now in opposiI ton to the sun. But the sun will prob ably survive in spite of the opposition of Saturn and all his rings. | Courier.
 Mss LEPRANoER (reading Lord Lorne's speech on the subiect The further West the young woman went, the more offers she got r Oh, mamma, let us go to Canada, as far west as possible ,..- A YANKEE is considered the sharpest of the human family and only an Irisb- man can get the better of him. The latter's wit is more forceful than the formers plainness and directness ot speech. An Irishman took Yankee friend to church with him on Christmas day. The music was magnificent and the decorations gorgeous. On their way out of church he asked the Yankee how he liked it. "Why, it beat the devil l" said the down easter. "Thats
 the intintiou," dryly remarked the gentleman from Tpperary. '
 ONE downtown preacher is blest with
 two sons, bright little fellows they are,
 too. Now, it is the custom in that
 preachers family for these two lads to
 recite every morning a verse of Scrip
 ture. The boys were in great haste to
 get out on the hill a couple of mornings
 ago, when the father said: [" Nov boys,
 recite your verses then you can coast"
 "I'd rather be doorkeeper in the house
 of the Lord than dwell in the tents of
 the wicked" repeated the older lad.
 "So'd l." calculated the junior youth,
 and away he flew after his sled, and the
 father did not remonstrate. ... sI KEEP a shop and sell fancy goods," !" correspondent writes. GA gentle man came in to buy something. It was early, and my little boy and I were
 alone in the house at the time. The
 gentleman gave me @ sovereign, and l
 had to go upstairs to my cash-bo1.
 Before doing so, I went into the little
 room next to the shop and said to the boy: Watch the gentleman, that he don't steal anything ; and put him on the counter. As soon as l returned, he sang out: Pa, he didn't steal any thing-I watched him. You may inn agine what position was in. AuR1sT to patient: "We'll see directly what your difficulty of hearing arises from. Gan you hear this tickP" hold ing out his watch. Lady: "No." Aurist holding it nearer: "Now, possi- bly, ?" Lady: "No." Aurist, placing the watch closer to the patients ear: , "Well. now, ct all eventsa" Lady "Not a sound" Aurist: Why you must be all but stone-deaf! You surely ! can't understand what I am saying to D you ?" Lady: Indeed I can, l assure ,, youl" Aurist: But upon my word I He looks at the watch, then puts 1t to his ear. "Oh, beg ten thousand U pardons. The watch has not been , wound upi' t THE principal amusement in rufa' !. New York this winter is guessing at the t weight of a hog. The guessers pay V fifty cents a chance, then they guess, a and the man who guesses nearest the h correct weight takes the hog. At |. village near Croton Lake last week ont l. hundred and twenty-three men tool
 chances and four men guessed the exac V weight-fve hundred and eighty-nin' '. pounds. Thus does the cultured orien d gild the precious moments with thu .e germs of intellectual growth, while II if the rude unlettered west the ignoran e- masses hunger for the food of thought y and pine away in sad @sthetic imam se nation. -Burlington Hd'okeye. y. TOM HOOD AND HIS INVITATION. 'u "I really take it very kind, 's This visit, Mrs. Skinner;
 8 have not seen you for an age of (rhe wretch has come to dinnerD oo "Your daughters, too, what loves of girls' D. What heads for painters easels; le Come here and kiss the infant dears; id (And give it p'raps the measlesD lg "What little Clara left at home,
 Well, now I call that shabby;
 should have loved to kiss her SO: of (The fabby, dabby, babbyD ce "Your charming boys I see are home he From Reverend Mir. Russells; ne Twas very kind to bring them both: vi (What boots for my new Brussels D ne "And MT. S., hope he's well 70. An tho he lives so handy, In- Re never now drops in to sup; = (Tba heffAr for our brandy n