Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1882-08-11
WIT AND HUMOR.


the spirit in the demijohn
A Wisconsin woman kept silent for fifteen
years to spite her husband. We know lots OF
husbands who would like 10 be spted that
way.
Brewers are brewding over the fact that
hops have horped up to fifty cents pound.
The meetings Of the Concord School OF
Philosophy are referred to by the New Or.
leans P'cdyune as IA brain picnic"
man in Georgia lost gold collar button
two years ago, and recently the missing Jew
clry was found in the fat Of the digestive or
gans of u slaughtered cow How the COW
got under the bureau in the bedroom, where
detached collar-button always rolls, Is IN
incxplicable mystery to the Norrisown Her
ald.
| The revival Of duclling in some Of the
Southern States brings to mind Mark Twain's
policy touching the code. Mark said few
years ago, while in reflective and reasoning
mood, that IL any man should challenge him
to fight duel he would go to that man, take
him to some secluded spot where they would
be free from the acrimonious influences OF
the world, and-Kill HIM.
Vennor i, at Old Orchard and Il fascinated
letter writer describes him as possessing
striking countenance, pale, with dark, bril-.
liant, restless eyes, He is tall and well-pro.
portioued and carries himself with half.
martial air." That shows what Old Orchard
| will do for man. When Nennor was here
he was an understood little Brton with red
hair. Young man. go to Old Orchard.
Barnum is not allowed by rival showmen
to overshadow their elephants with his jun.
boat least not in the advertisements. "Our
elephant is still growing" says one and, as
next year it will be too big to enter car of
the extreme height possible on the American
railroads, we have decided to present him at
the end OF this season. to the Queen of Eng
land to take the place of the measly, iii.
shapen beast discarded from the ROYAL Zoo.
logical Garden-a very antique deformty, in-
stead OF a noble specimen of its Species
| People needn't wonder at the scarcity of
good servant girls. The good always die
young, anyway if they have to take to light
ing the fire with kerosene to make the pro-
| VcfD come true,-L0ceN CtHzen.
mo" said Mrs. Pshawdee, II don't think
my daughter will be a good pianist; she
doesn't at all depreclate Beethoven's soon.
alters or sympathies, and cares altogether
too much for the cheap and populous music"
Music and Drama.
| The Oldest vessel ailoat is a ship of three
hundred tons called the True Love. She is
over one hundred years old, and is mer-
chant ship in active duty, sailing under the
English flag. Her course must have run toll
erably smoo,h.-LoneA Courier.
ANY children I" asked landlord of
gentleman seeking tenement on Cherry
street. "les, three .'No use talking
then; | want tenants without children"
'But mine are not fat enough to KILL" mild
" remarked the gentleman US he turned on
his heel waterbury american.
A girl who sets out 10 look graceful in a
hammock has as much work on band as the
man who tries to be languid with saw-log
following him down II hill.-Detroh Free
Press
Nestor Roqueplan, of glorious memory,
had al intalible recipe for Kidding himself OF
bores. When accosted by one he would
shake hands warmly with his prosecutor,
glance around anxiously, and dropping his
voice confdentially, remark Sch. | must
be of-there's an Internal bore here that l
want to dodge-talk fellow to death. YoG
understand, old boy.' The bore with
wink u understand, old fellow See you
later! departs without the remotest suspi-
cion that he was the bore. From tie French.
They were talking over music and the dra-
ma at the table of their host, who, as they
were already well aware, owed his fortune to
his own unaided excrtions. You are fond
OF Rossini ~ asked one of the guests. Pas
sonately," replies the host. Know his
Barber" mo sir; do not-never pat
ronized the man-hsve shaved myself for
the past forty years"
A woman, lately looking at a printing press
at work, turned to her companion, and, in
most earnest manner, enqured: well,
Charlie, an them's the things as writes the
papers Bees them what they call editors: 2"
l-Denrer Uello
The doctor should not he abused for being
too professional to advertise The under
taker advertiscs for BOTH and it is generally
understood that way.-Detroh Free Press.
"Serious parties" are the things now in
London society. If they are any more
gloomy than a fashionable hall we should
think the guests, after bidding good night to
the hostess, would adjourn to a cemetery to
recover their spirits, Philadelphia Nems.
Because it has been said that ''the false
| piophCt WI. JUN <A hDl NY, luis VI people
suppose Vennor is going to emigrate.
Prisoner this is the third time this year
that you have appeared before this court.
What has brought you here now, eh ~ "The
police, sir -
"Are You member of any temperance or.
ganization p asked a clerical looking gentle.
man of red .nosed man sitting on box on
Austin Avenue. No shir ushed ter Ike
member, but its no ush for Inc ter try to be
membersh any more (hic)." "You ought
to become member again" Cant do It."
| why can't you become n member again Z"
| ''Becaise | can't remember TO refuse 10
drink. "-7eras Sttings.
The date burned in the bottom of the Gin.
cinnat indestructiblc railway sandwich has
led eminent psychologists to infer that they
were originally cast for the Mayfiower sup
plies they are 4 inches thick each side and
are lined with apparent traces Of ham the
essay also shows up some indications of but
ter Of the Queen Anne period, but not in
paying quantities they can be reduced by
strong acids or intense heat, but can not be
crushed by friction. -Burdette.
A Dallas man recently had the water pipes
laid into his house, and as he went away on
business before the work was completed, his
| wife concluded TO get some garden hose for
| the benefit Of the lawn. She accosted a bland
clerk, fresh from the rural districts, and
wished to look at some hose How much
do you charge per foot ?" she enquired, as he
was about to produce a roll. Oh" SAID he,
blushing painfully I'VE don't keep that kind
You can get them for the foot at the dry
goods store across the street. y Ttran o.
dities
| The gentlemen of the Press who look after
the ''ciimes and casualties" are getting the
English language down pretty fine. Last
night the talented young man who does that
department for the best paper IN America AS
tonshed the force by hanging the following
on the hook The tramp Roderck, who
| hurrlnl the Two hnuses ON Wrst Hill last