Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1882-06-01

HUMORS OF THE DAY.

TIE man who toes the mark-the old
man who reaches out for jane AIMS fell
Ter at two o'clock o. m.
SWEET Evelina from the suffocatino
embrace OF her lover cried out :" Give
me liberty or give me breath. boston
Commercial Bulletin.
OLD Deacon Dodson always boosted
that he was prepared for the worst, {"
and his neighbors thought he got it
when he married his second wife.
THEY asked him if he was the best
man at the wedding. "No." he said.
81 don't know as | was the best, but
be jabers. was as good as any of EN- I"
CoSyURoRs astonish an audience by
taking rolls Of ribbon from their mouths,
but then it is a common thing to see a
carpenter take hammer and nails out of
his chest.
AM very glad to have met you,
sir. said Brown, politely. care your"
replied Fogg; "heresa note you may be
glad to meet, Also" Brown wasn't so
powerfully glad to meet it, but he had to.
STUDENT under examination in physics:
What planets were know to the an
clients ?" "Well. sir, there were Venus
and Jupiter, and AT i pause"
think the earth, but Tn not quite GER
tain.
Do LOOK anything like you, Mr..
Jones" inquired CauliAower. =" L hope
you for me?" Yes "Where is he ?
l must lick him." "Oh, he's dead. /
shot him on the spot"
"SEE there r exclaimed returned
Irish soldier to o gaping crowd, as he ex-
hibited with some pride his tall hat with
bullet hole in it. Look at that hole,
will you? You see that if it had been
q low-crowned hat should have been
killed outright"
II SAY Gilpin, said Squire McGill,
"who was that sandy haired man you
was talking with this morning?" "Oh,
that was Colonel Thunderpool, of
Syracuse. He's big gun in politics"
Eyes, I judged he was big gun in
something; he seemed to be such q
smooth bore. Narration CN. - In
dependent.
GEoRGIE, aged four years, was playing
with his toys when his cousin Mary, OF
sweet eighteen, seized him and gave him
a kiss. George broke away, crying out
"Sauce-boxl" "Oh, fie," said his mother,
George mustn't say that" George
-" That's what Cousin Mary said her
self to that Ellington man last night
when he kissed her. boston Journal.
A MERCHANT once sent his collector to
call on debtor for some money. When
the collector returned the merchant in
quired if he had the money. "No," re-
piled the youth; "but he told me if I'd
come in tomorrow he'd pay me-" Ibid
he say anything elhe?" asked the mer-
chant. WASH, yes" said the colIec-
tor, nonchalantly; she said something
about Sin his minds eye but he wasn't
speaking to me-"
AN OLD fellow, whose daughter had
failed to secure position as teacher, in
consequence of not passing an examina-
ton, said: "They asked her lots Of
things she didn't know. Look at the
history questions They asked her
about things that happened before she
was bornl How was she going to know
about them? Why, they asked her
about old George Washington and other
men Sne never knew mat was pretty
sort OF examination l"-NeW York EUen-
ing Post.
Two men disputed about their powers
Of endurance, and one said testify to the
other: 81 bet you that can hold my
legs in boiling water longer than you
can" "Done," said the other, and the
steaming water was brought In went
the legs, No. with an air of defiance,
No. 2 with an edifying serenity. No. l
began to vince, No. 2 called calmly for
the newspaper. No. began to find it
intolerable, No 2 smiled at the humor Of
the paper. "In heavens name! I" at last
exclaimed No. l, exasperated by the
heat of the water and the GOODNESS of his
antagonist, "what is your leg made OFF"
wood" sententiously replied the
other.