The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-06-21
W.T. AND HUMoR.

re- w SIN VI tfit. HOG business.
What is that which we wish for, and
when obtained, we never know we have
itP Sleep.
Why is Fall River spinner SO much
like baseball player? Easy enough;
because he is SO often out on strikes.
1t is better to soak your feet than to
soak your head, but many young men
don't see it in that way.
A scientist says ga big comet is now
dashing toward a spotted sum- Its
aim, no doubt, is to '.knock the spots off
| it,
The Canadian Parliament has legal
led marriage with dead wife's sister
Well, one would know what kind of a
mother-in-law he was to have.
A boy says in his composition that
Onions are the vegetable that makes
you sick if you don't eat them your
SELF
Aminadab's pet dog bit him the other
day. He. says he had no idea the dog
would be the puppy-traitor of such an
act.
With good beefsteak at twenty-five
cents pound people can almost forgive
the followers of Moses for falling down
and worshipping golden calf.
Young lady ..Mr. L., don't you
admire .Locksley Hall'?'' Mr. L.
weller don't know as / ever saw
that building
And the cares of daylight flee, says
Earl Marble in .sbarcarole.' The
cares of a daylight flea are very apt to
make barker roll.
An exchange remarks that no man
can afford to make n fool of himself.
Our contemporary forgets, however, that
some men are utterly reckless of expense.
..Ain't that lovely critter, John,n
said Jerusha. as they stopped opposite
the leopard's cage. ..Waal, yes,'' said
John, '.but he's dreadfully freckled,
amt hep
Some men always look on the bright
side. Said the gentleman who was run
over by the BLACK Maria" well,
there's one consolation. The fact that
/ was run over by the thing Shows that
wasn't inside itr'
81 never pretend to know thingthat
do not remarked Brown. '.When l
don't know a thing 1 say at once, i
don't know. "A very proper course"
said Fogg, ''but how monotonous your
conversation must beP'
One of the managers of a hospital
asked an Irish nurse which he consider
ed the most dangerous of the many
cases then in the hospital. THAT sur"
said Pat; he pointed to case of surgi-
cal instruments lying on the table.
Sentimental diner: Eat lark! Par
take of one of the choiring songsters at
heavens gatel / would as soon eat
hymnri Practical friend: '.Ya-as. new
er touch small birds-they all feed on
worms.
1t is quite common for boy to mis-
behave when people are looking at him,
for the mere fun of shocking them.
But a man is not boy. He knows bet
ter, and acts badly only when people
are not looking.
see by New York paper that
heifer ten months old has recently been
sold in that city for 50, 800. Taking
these figures as bases of calculation,
'twoald puzzle Philadelphia lawyer to
determine my value.-Su A9athoqag,
Don Carlos, the would-be king of
Spain, and his wife have parted. The
cause of the disagreement is not given,
but the neighbors say she used the roy
al scepter to stir soap with, and set a
hen on fourteen buckeyes in his kingly
crown.
A Cincinnati paper tells of Nine. Ma
terna's introduction to the telephone as
follows: The telephone was another
new thing. 1 called on Chris Ahrens
and told him lady wanted to talk with
him, and the next minute they were at
it. All about Germany and in German.
Lord, how that telephone suffered! The
paint fell off the wires, and some of
those seYen-cornered words nearly broke
the box. When they got tiir"a-,l the
telephone tainted"
An English bishop ENORMOUSLY remark
ed to his servant that he was dying.
swell, my lord said the good fellow,
''you are going to a better place"
John" replied the prelate, with an air
of conviction, ''there's no place like old
Englandr'
Ubiquitous: When Mrs. Homespun
heard of the recent assassination in Ire
land and that it was attributed to the
Irish, she exclaimed: .'Massy sakes!
You don't tell me the Irish have got in
to Ireland? Well, well, / believe they're
everywherer'
Distin guished American Gust off the
stage, and much pleased with himself
as the wicked marquis -''Phewi Well,
/ wasn't so very bad, old man, was IP''
Author (prompter and stage 1nanager)
well, my dear fellow, | don't exact
ly know how bad you can be-"
Curran, the witty Irish barrister, was
pleading the cause of certain Miss
Tickle. The Judge was also bit of
wit, and opened his case with: Tickle
my client, the defendant. my lord
The Judge interrupted him with: Tickle
her yourself, Curran, you're as well
able to do it as | am
Don't drag your feet along the
ground sor' says fond mother to the
child with whom she is walking; lit
wears out your boots.F '.Yes, ma, y re-
plies the little one; ssbut it wears out the
ground, tooi'' Somehow or other, MAN.
ma doesn't regard this as a sufficient
compensation.
An Irish footman, having carried a
basket of game from his master to a
friend waited considerable length OF
time for the customary fee, but, finding
no present appeared, scratched his head
and said .sSir. if my master should
say, Paddy, what did the gentleman
give youp' what would your honor have
me tell himp"
Meteorological: An Irish emigrant
who stood shiyering in front OF Castle
Garden Que morning last week thus adj
nd