Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1882-03-02
Mr.. and Mrs. Spoopendyke.
.As Expert" e-...:e. rs.m oi:..s:!.,.

1
an sNpert?"
Expert in what" demanded Mr..
Spcopendykc, dropping his paper,
Nv hat kind Of an cNpert2'
don't YOU know, An expert who
goes to court and wells right ont what
he thinks of hypothetical questions and
heads. and knows by the alm,rhac just
| when man is crazy and when he
| isn't"
| Anything particular the matter with
your head this trip roared Mr. Spoop-
endyke. Been reading some old cook
| book lately? What're YOU talking
about? What dress pattern have You
got hold of now"
ii was reading about Mr.. Guiteau.
| replied Mrs. Spoopcndyke, "and |
! thought how much better il must be to
( be an expert than 10 know ANYTHING
about the ease, That why | asked. If
n man knows anything they always
| prove that hc'don't but if he is an eN
! pert he just swears that man who
hothers him is crazy and that ends it. =
| Il s'pose YOU think I've had SO much
| experience in idiocy nj home that ]
] could make fortune as an expert,
! sputtercd Mr.. Spoopendyke. II tell
! you they are intelligent men. They
make up their minds and swear to their
/ opinions, according To law When the
/ revised statutes nj large provide for me
rs an expert, as they provide for idiots,
! lunaticS. habitual drunkards and mar
/ ried women, I'll 90 into the business"
and Mr.. Spoopendykc winked at HIM
self triumphantly rs he thoughtover the
! last shot
We'll" reioined Mrs Spcopendyke.
bridling Indignantly. IF the revised
statutes provide that way, they ought 90
/ be shut up. They've no business at
! large | don know that these experts
were icgalized. ! supposed they just
went there to help their friends along"
mo. they don't eithcrr' retorted Mr..
! Spoopendyke. They 80 70 swear
( whether the man is insane or not"
But what do they want TO drown
| him FORE" argued Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"Therc they were all talking at once
and getting along pleasantly, when all
! of sudden Mr.. Porkhill and Col. Cork
/ er and Mr.. Savage throw Mr. Guiteau
4 into the dockn'
Drown Your grandmother's hind
! leg, hoWled Mr.. Spoopcudykc Nv hat
/ dye think law dock is? Got notion
! it's pond with green scum ON top OF
! it? SpoSe it : Il two inch mud puddle
with q fence around it. and Congress
ional appropriation to make il nayiga-
/ BILE? It's pen tell We; Il rallied of pen
! in the court room, where they put pr,s-
oners. Guiteau bothered the experts SO
! that they had TO put him in the pen.
| Think You understand il nowF'
"Of course, assentcd Mrs. Spoopen-
! dyke, .but why didn't they put MIR.
Scoylle and Mr. Reed there, too? They
are trying to bother the experts Just rs
much as Guiteau did. They won't let
! the poor men alone.
Don't YOU know the difference be-
tween o lawyer and criminal?n rip
ped Mr.. Spoopendyke, ''or is that too
fine distinction for YOU? Reed and
Scoyile are defending Guiteau, Porter
and Coi'khill and Dayidge are proseeu-
/ ting him. OF course his lawyer will
| cross-eXamine the witness against him.
But it's no use to explain anything to
you
II understand that much,n returned
| Mrs. Spoopeudyke he, ''but | don't under-
/ stand what Judge Cox means by pitch
| ing into the lawyers and overriding
/ their questions. Che first he knows the
| experts will swear that he is in asym.
metrical, and then he Il be put in the
dock with Guitc0u, where it will orc
I hard with him. tell YOU Judge cart
be too careful how he behaves" and Mrs.
Spoopcndyke pinned the baby's skirts
I and Smoothed. ont its dress.
"Wow!" yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke. UNI
able for an instant to throw his feelings
into any coherent form of speech.
"You'ge struck it! You're whole bar
rel OF canned judiciary, All YOU want
now is Il red label ON your back and some
marginal notes to be dod' gasted law
library! If you'd change assistants once
n month and win four eases during one
term of Office, you'd only need three
deodands and a plug hat to be district
attorney, You We rot the idea, There's
nothing more To be said on either SIDE,
Give YOU a black petticoat with sleeves
to it and watt on Your nose, and
you'd only want n restaurant in the
basement and a lounge mp stairs to be
United States supreme Court What
q we suppose Judge Is for substitute?
Think he sits around To ease the prs
oner, turn and turn about? Got some
kind Of an idea that he is a work on cti-
quette. with notified leaves and Il yellow
binding, and Tommy from Fanny, On
the fly? / tell you he presides! And
anybody but half witted woman who
didn't think with her heels and reason
with the rat hole next door wouldn't
need to be told of it more times than
she makes an idiot of herselfr'
IF he presides, it's all right rejoin-
ed Mrs. Spoopendyke, with sigh of
relief, .'but got the idea that he went
there to feel the public sentiment, and
then say those were his views, and he
was only helping the prosecution to see
the error of Guiteau's ways before his
conduct was snapped up and used
against him."
Mr.. Spoopendyke drew off his cloth
ing solemnly, fred the pieces into diff
ferent corners, and waded into bed with
the stern reflection that "some people
only needed side-whiskers and note
l. e. s 4.