New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1882-08-02
WIT AND HUroR.

and once worth 5000, has been a..
rested for stealing eight cents worth Of
spruce lumber..EaP Poor old man! Not
enough left to pay for his board.
An Eastern journal Of health says that
eating onions is cure for nervousness.
It is generally noticed that the onion.
eater is the most oomplacent man in the
car.
Sturgeon has delivered over sixteen
hundred sermons. and yet he says he
doesn't begin to know the Bible yet.
That's poor consolation for those who
have listened to him.
A Detroiter who found baby in :
tioursack on his doorstep didn't take it
in until he had looked for the XXX's
on the sack. He didn't care for q Sec
ond-class article.
A Brooklyn detective says that at
least three out of every five women in
that city consult q fortune-te teller three or
four times year. The other two-fifths
60 it blind.
The average lawyer can do more sus-
picous work without being debarred
than the average citizen can do and
keep out of State prison, but some pro-
LESSONS were born for luck.
Greece has captured or killed more
than 300 bandits in the last year, and
yet the supply is sufficient to gobble up
every traveller who lOOksaas if he could
raise a dollar and half on 4 pinch.
Dear mer' s,id Mrs. Partington the
other day, ''young girls nowadays are
not what their mothers used to be.
Half of them are sufferers from nervous
perspiration!'
Some scientist now observes that even
the clam has parasites. He would have
observed us much before if he had ever
noticed the crowd around a free chow
der.
''You are as full of airs as music
box" is what a young man said to girl
who refused to let him see her home.
THAT may be- was the reply, ..but I
don't go with crank
The way the doctors go to work to
get a billiard ball out of mans mouth
is to oil his jaws and pull out his front
teeth. 1t is an operation recurring q
great deal of patience and deep think
ing.
There may not be panic in this
country for two or three years to come,
but the man who bets on q horse race
without having first posted himself on
which animal is to be allowed to win
will help contribute to hard times.
That New Yorker who hasn't closed
his eyes in sleep for the last thirteen
years has determined to hire out on q
farm this summer. Inside of two weeks
his employer will have to haul him out
of bed by the feet to get his eyes open.
A Chicago belle was to have been
married this week, but the ceremony
has been postponed at the request Of
her mother, who is now very fleshy and
wants further time to reduce herself to
fighting weight.
At young lady's seminary recently,
during an examination in history, one
of the pupils was Intercepted thus:
MARY, did Martin Luther die natural
deathp" mo, was the reply, :.he was
accommodated by bull
A newspaper agent being told by an
old lady that it was no use to subscribe
for the papers, as Mother Shipton said
the world was coming to an end this
year, said: ''But won't you want to
read an account of the whole affair as
soon as it is overp'' '.That I WILL" an
swered the old lady; and she subscribed.
Some awfully mean scoundrel filed q
grocer's whisky barrel with rain water,
and the next Monday morning the SUI
perintendent of schools, the president of
the temperance alliance, and two school
teachers came round to the store, de-
nounced the astonished grocer as
swindling thief and q perjnred villain,
and demanded their $3.50 back again.
It is all very well for healthy journals
to tell people who are restless and una
BILE to sleep at night to place tho head
of their bed toward the north, but it
does no good unless you take the baby
to the other end Of the house and place
his head towards the south.
II Think said fond parent" that
little Jimmy is going to be q poet when
he grows up. He doesn't eat, and sits
all day by the stove and thinks. and
thinks" You had better grease him all
over. He is going to have the measles.
That's what ais Jimmy.
The composer Hellmsberger, Of Wen
ma, once noticed well-known dramat-
&c author laughing during one of his
performances. After the concert he
met him and asked: why did you
laugh while I playedp Did you ever see
me laugh at your comediesa''
Old Slobson was raking in the front
yard yesterday, when he noticed boy
gazing through the picket fence in q
most earnest manner. what are you
doing?" asked the old man. ..Watch-
ing the Rake's Progress" replied the
boy, as he lodged just in time.
Incautious use of slang: She decorat-
ed her room with bric-a-brac and pic
lures, and perched her husbands photo
on the topmost nail. Then she sat down
to admire her work, and blissfully re-
marked: ''Now, everything is lovely,
and the goose hangs high"
A GROWERS luck: ..This is Just my
luck" said the gloomy man atthe thea
ter. "Here's q performance going that's
30 bad it's agonizing to witness, and it's
the first time in six months that
haven't had q woman with bath-tub
hat in front Of me when I've been to
the theater?''
A school-mistress, while taking down
the names and ages of her pupils, and
Of their parents, at the beginning of the
term, asked one little fellow, .sWhat's
your fathers name?'' .'Oh, you needn't
take down his name; he's too old to 20
to school to woman" was the limo
cent reply.
SIS this my train asked 4 traveller
at the Grand Central Depot Of . loun-
ser: II don't KNOW was the reply. II
see it's got the name Of some. railroad
company on thu side and oxr,act IL la.