The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-06-28
Men and Their Hobbies-Wha Makes the
Good Fellows.

The blowing of noses in the northwest
corner Of Paradise Hall finally came to
flung his whole soul into one grand eff
fort to cough his head off, and failed,
Brother Gardner arose and said
my kentrymen, when you meet a
max who knows just where he ken bor-
row q dollar-who has friends in boat po-
litical parties-who gets invitations to
all church festivals-Who am ginerally
spoken of as q good fellow, you hab
found q man who makes q study oh hui
man natur'. De student ob anatomy
carves up q cadaver to discover how de
bones am put t0gether-whar de muscle
lie-whar de vital organs am nailed on.
De good Teller studies de livin' instead
OBJ de dead-de mind, stead oh de body.
De human mind am full OBJ cons. Tread
on one oh 'em, an dar ain a Blackjack
shun to once. # / should want a five
dollar bill airly Monday morning [
should slip over and ask Deacon Jackson
fur 1t. His big big CON am de belief dat
no one ken be saved unless he am bab-
tized in de river, and l hab bin karful to
walk all round dat con. I go ober to
his house wild q jug OBJ cider in one hand
and baptizmal arguments in de odder,
and he feels 80 good dat he likes to douse
me in de rain barl.
"If I wanted to get some onion sets I'd
go ober to Elder Tif's. De Elders CON
am q belief dat he was born fur a great
preacher. I've walked all ober him a
hundred times, but TIE neber stubbed
my toe against dat CON, Use sot down
wild him and praised de build oh his
head, and de shape OBJ his his head, and
his pose and ture and de shape oh his
mouth, and Use stuc to de char while
he talked and cayorted around fur an
hour. If I wanted onions he'd fall
down cellar to get 'em fur me.
"When yer comes across a man dat
imagines he am an orator, doan't gibe
his booms ; it won't hurt anybody to let
him keep right on think SO, but it will
make him your deadly inimy if yer try
to convince him dat he wur cut out
fur q blacksmith. Oar am people who
write stuff and call its poetry. Use gotta
naybur who writ forty-four varses of de
stuff last fall, and read it to me and ask'd
my candid opinyun. Did / tell her it
Was bosh :? Did I jump frew de window
when she reached de second varse ? Not
much I listened with de utmost dill
gence, an when she had finished de last
zine I advised her to publish a book o.
poems. De next week I fell sick an dat
poetess was fust ON de groud wild chick
en- broth and currant jelly.
"When / meet s mar who has mado
up his mind dat our city gov'ment will
&c to smash If he doan't get into office,
I encourage him. / encourage de young
to become Westinghouse encourage de
old to hang on till de world has to ac-
knowledge their greatness. A word at
de right time means de loan oh a dollah
mean thirty cents off when you want
a new WhiteWash brush-means a BUSH
ell of lime free gratis-means q lecom-
mend If yer want to jine the purlecce
force. Tech my cons and I'll want ter
kick yer. All men am de same. Call
'em cons or call ZEN hobbies, but he who
goes slashin' around without carin'Whar
he puts his ieet will make twenty enc
mics whar he gains one friend. Study
yer man. Take him apart-put him to-
gether-fnd out whar his CONS lay, and
den step high and softly. Let us now il
regulate the business.