The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1882-09-01
HUMOROUS.


Marriage may be like a game of
cards, but the bridegroom is al right II
he holds good hand when the knot is
tied.
81 shall follow her soon," said sad
eyed man at TIE grave of bis wife.
Within month ho was following an
other woman.
Boston gossips declare that Oscar has
met his fate, aud will marry a New
England girl. What the New England
girl has done TO merit such fate is not
stated.
When doctor who claims TO cure
by laying on hands reaches Missouri,
he either quits business or starts for
the woods with a crowd after him,
There are some swindles Missouri can't
abide.
The liver pad agent asked Missouri
editor to give him 800 worth of adver-
tising and take his pay in liver pads,
ana the editor was very emphatic In
his inquiry: "What sort of condition
do you think my liver is in, sirp"
A trade journal gives directions for
preserving harness. 'tPreserved har-
ness" remarks the Norristown Her
aid, "may &c considered very palatable
by those who like that sort of thing.
but we don't want bit in our mouth.D
The cx-mayor of Jackson, Mich,
fired four shots at his soh-in-law with
out bringing him down. IL was prob
ably his first son-in-law. BY tho time
his other girls are married off the old
gentleman will be shooting with more
accuracy. e.
1t is all very well for health journals
to tell people who are restless and un.
able to sleep at night to place the head
of their bed toward the north, but it
does no good unless you take the baby
to the other end OF the house and place
his head toward the south.
John Van Buren, was one day riding
in the cars with lady friend who, hap
pening to see some boys in bathing
close to the track, said: "Isn't il a
shame that boys are allowed To battle
in such placesH Van Buren, slapped
on his eyeglasses, looked sharply at
the boys, and then remarked: "They
are boys, amt they?
A Brooklyn boy wrote composition
on the subject of the Quakers, whom he
described as sect who never quar-
relied, meyer got into a fight, never
clawed each other, and never jawed
back. The production contained a
postscript in these words: "Pa's Qua
ker, but Ma isn't"
A debtor who who "! vas .sigSSsd by bid 'BsSar.
rowed the money, but declared that the
plaintiff knew at the time that it was q
Kathleen Mavournecn loan. ga Kath-
lccn Mayourneen loan," repeated the
court, with q puzzled look. '.That's it,
Judge; one of the 1T may be for years
and it may h0 forever sort"
3 A lady correspondent asks the Brook
lyn Eagle, as the Sun and Star are such
common names for newspapers, why
no one had ever selected the moon for
title. Who do you suppose would
want to give the rival Journals an op-
portunity to say Sour luney contempo-
rary!" 1t does not sound near as well
as esteemed contemporary"
Said the practical man, "You can
talk all you want 10 about phrenology.
| think it is all stuff. The only impor-
tant bump ever found on my Uranium
was hcre-right in the middle of my
forehead-and it was made by base
ball bat. l concluded to call it tho
bump of ignorance because l did not
know nnnn"h ~ 90. -. = - "-y'
A Jerseyman went TO Mauch Chunk,
Pa, to spend his vacation, and during
the night three old hens, which had
gone to roost Oh a tree outside his bed
room window, were disturbed by cat
and flew into The apartment. The Jer-
seyman awakened and slaThed q riiin-,
aIUunu until tne bewildered fowls
found their wav out. The next morn
ing he told his host that he should come
Here every summer, for during the
night he had seen but three mosqui-
toes.