The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-08-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

"A COnnectlclt man ageO SeFenty-four,
and once worth $4,000, has been ar
rested for stealing eight cents worth of
spruce lumber Poor old man! Not
enough left to pay for his board
An Eastern journal of health says that
eating onions is a cure for nervousness.
1t is generally noticed that the onion
eater is the most compliment man in the
car.
Sturgeon has delivered over sixteen
hundred sermons. and vet he SAYS ne
doesn't begin 10 know the Bible vet
That pc:Dr consolation for those who
have listened To him.
\ Detroter vino found q baby i'm a
fioursack on his doorstep didn't take it
in until he had looked for the XXX's
on the sack. He didn't care for a sec
ond-class article.
A Brooklyn detective says that ut
least three out Of every five women in
that city consult fortune teller three or
four times y year. The other two-ffths
go it blind.
The average lawyer can do more sus-
picous work without being debarred
than the average citizen can do and
keep out of State prison, but some pro-
LESSONS were born for luck.
Greece has captured or killed more
than 300 bandits in the last year, and
yet the supply is sufficient to gobble up
every traveller who looks as if he could
raise dollar and half on pinch.
Dear mer' said Mrs Partngton the
other day, young girls nowadays are
not what their mothers used to be-
Half of them are sufferers from nervous
perspiration.''
Some scientist now observes that even
the clam has parasites. He would have |
observed as much before if he had ever !
noticed the crowd around Il free chow |
der.
You are as full of airs as a music |
box, Is what young man said to a girl |
who refused to let him see her home. |
THAT may be-" was the reply. but | |
don't go with = crank"
The way the doctors go to work to
get billiard ball out of mans mouth
is to oil his jaws and pull ont his front
teeth. 1t is an operation requiring a
great deal of patience and deep think
ing.
There may not be a panic in this
country for two or three years to come,
but the man who bets on horse race |
without having first posted himself on
which animal is to he allowed to win
will help contribute to hard times
That New Yorker who hasn't closed
his eyes in sleep for the last thirteen
years has determined to hire out on a
farm this summer. Inside of two weeks
his employer will have to haul him out
of bed by the feet to get his eyes open.
A Chicago belle was TO have been
married this week, but the ceremony
has been postponed at the request of
her mother, who is now very fieshy and
wants further time to reduce herself to
lighting weight.
At a young lady's seminary recently,
Turing an examination in history. one
If the pupils was interrogated thus:
Mary, did Martin Luther die natural
leath?" No. was the reply, The was
by bull"
A newspaper agent being told by an
I'D lady that it was no use to subscribe
or the papers, as Mother Shipton said
he world was coming to an end this
ear, said: But won't you want to
cad an account of the whole affair as
Don as it is Overp'' That l will" an
wered the old lady; and she subscribed |
Some awfully mean scoundrel filled
,rocer's whisky barrel with rain water.
md the next Monday morning the SUI
of schools, the president of
he temperance alliance. and two school
eachers came round to the store, de-
lounced the astonished grocer as
thief and periured villain,
nd demanded their $3.50 back again. {
1t is all very well for healthy Journals }
n foil 11aOnln who ara YoStinSc onH .zno |
lie to sleep at night to place the head !
f their bed toward the north, but it }
oes no good unless you take the baby :
D the other end of the house and place :
is head towards the south.
Il think said a fond parent that
tile Jimmy is going to be poet when
e grows up. He doesn't eat, and sits Y
II day by the stove and thinks. and
links" You had better grease him all :
yer. He is going to have the measles :
hats what ails Jimmy.
The composer Hellmsberger, of Wen a
a, once noticed observation-disclosures C
, author laughing during one of his q
After the concert he %
let him and asked: why did YOU | f
lugh while / playedP Did you ever see Il
he laugh at your eomedies?' o
Old Slobson was raking in the front g
ard yesterday, when he noticed boy u
azing through the picket fence in a
lost earnest manner. "What are you
oing?" asked the old man. Watch
lg the Rake's Progress replied the is
oy, as he lodged just in time. II
Incautious use of slang: She decorat- OF
i her room with bric-a-brac and pic m
Tres, and perched her husbands photo Al
4 the topmost nail. Then she sat down ia