Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1882-08-30
SPICE AND ALLSPICE,

A DOUBLE ecull-race-the African.
DOES the night mail 90 by the bed
post2
RA1NDRops on the roof" Of course
it drops on the roof. That's what the
roof is for,-Csncimnati Saturday
Night.
You may consider yourself much bet
ter than somebody else, but yor can't
prove it to his satisfaction, anyhow.-M
Y. World.
To be good swimmer the mouth
should always be kept shut. Women
Statesman.
On ferryboat (and this, too, after
the boat lett the dock): P. B.-"Ah!
Good morning! Going over ?" Friend
(curtly)-" Yes" P. B.-"So am I I"
A New HAVEN man has been arrested
for breaking a silk umbrella over his
wife's head, and the Danbury News in
dignantly exclaims: "The extravagant
brute!"
SOMEBODY once said: "Nothing is
impossible to him who Wills" We
would like to see that chap build bar
rel around bunghole. e.-NeaU York
| Commercial Advertiser.
SOMEBODY writes us "the body has
two buildings, two trees, two animals,
and two fish. Thus-two temples, two
palms, two calves, and two soles." Yes,
and tulips and toe nails.-BOst0,a Com.
Bulletin.
ARCHBISHOP WHATLEY was one day
asked if he rose early. He replied that
once he did, but he was so proud all
| a. oil hot
afternoon, that he determined never to
do it again.
A JERSEY mi]kman turned pale when
several of his customers dubbed to-
gether and made him a present of
scarf pin in the shape of pump. It
was cow-herdly act.-N. Y. CONNER
ci0l advertiser.
| A DEALER advertises in an anglers
paper, "Flies, reels, rods, tobacco,
whisky, and ali other requirements for
anglers" IF the fisherman has full
supply of tobacco and whisky. he might
dispense with rods and reels. Fish have
such queer tastes.
WHERE are you going anyhow?"
asked an irate conductor on the Central
Pacific the other day of a "beat" whom
he had kicked off five or six times, but
who always managed to get on again just
as the train started. "Wel," said the
fellow, "Im going to Chicago, if my
pants hold out!"
A FRENCH officer said to Swiss COL
onel: Chow is it that your countrymen
always fight for money, while we French
always fight for honor?" The Swiss
shrugged his shoulders and replied, II
suppose it is because people are apt to
fight for that which they need most. -
ErchGfge.
AN Arkansaw editor, in retiring from
the editorial control of a newspaper,
said: cit is with feeling of sadness
that we retire from the active control of
this paper, but we leave our journal
with gentleman, who is abler than we
are financially, to handle it. This gen
tleman is well known in this community.
He is the sheriff"
A CHICAGO man visiting Cincinnati
was being shown around by citizen,
who said: "Now let's go and zee the
Widows Home" The Chicago man put
his finger to the side of his nose and
winked and said: "Not nuch won't.
I saw a widow home once, and she sued
me for breach of promise and proved it
on me No, sir, send the widow home in
hack. "-New Haven Register.
Tbs first white hair! A woman still
young in years held it up to the light
and gazed upon it with tender melan~
choly, for was it not a harbinger of age
that must surely come to her should she
live and she thought she wonld? It was
the first white hair she had found in O
new red wig she had bought few days
before and she was naturally mad about
it.-Cincin.aati Saturday Night.
| NEAR the village Of Kirkmansville, in
Todd County, KY, there lives man
who has twice learned to walk, twice
learned to talk, is blind in one eye, is
deaf in one ear, is married to his aunt,
which makes him cousin to his children,
uncle to his brothers and sisters and
cousins. brother-in-law to his father and
mother, and-well, for further informa-
ton call on the gentleman himself.
"You make mistake, sir. You set
. too good table altogether. Now what's
, the use of cucumber and huckleberry
,, pie right along for dozen meals ?" 81
! know it, I know ii, " beamed the land
> lord. II give 'em all the luxuries to
q wunst." ''But, my dear sir, think OF
the cramps?" "Jess so, jess so. But
! I'm bound to get my guests into the
: bedrooms, if I do cramp 'em some.
3 Mr.. BARNuM was at Block Island re-
8 Gently with a party of English people
b and other friends, and, as usual, 2. i.
h had made many friends with the chill
dren, "Do you know who I amp" said
: he to q lad in knee breeches. "No,
Q sir" said the little fellow. "Well, I
: viii tell YOU. I am P. T. Barnum, the
+ GREAT Snowman" "Oh!' shouted the
: Juvenile, then you are Jumbo's papa !
= SoME persons can't understand why
T matches should.cost mere now than they
8 did during the war, when everything
n else was over fifty per cent. higher than
+ at present. It is easily explained: The
Delaware match crop was killed by the
cold winter that destroyed the peaches
there year ago. The report that the
Y increase in price was caused by the war
j in Egypt was q false ALARM .-Norrss-
g t0,vn Herald. A.
y TRANSLATED from the Omnibus:
= Guest to the landlord Mr. Landlord,
I I the box with toothpicks stands again not
unto the table," Landlord-''T Tooth.
: picks there are with me not more. =
: uuest-.t Why then not?" Landlord
, .s Know you in former times, then wert
= = the guests so cultured and stuck thu
: : toothpicks, after the use, again IN thu
= box. But nowadays takes every MAJ
e one with. So much the business can
+ afford. .
- "SEE heah, ole woman, dis heah VI
d ter's done got fipskippers mt, saae
r Uncle Bose, as the old Lady passed mn
3. q blue decorated mug with the handle
3. broken of. :. Um, s'pose'n dey is; de-
e won't hurt yo' carcass much, nohow.
les :. Go long, chilel Dey's alibe, dey Is
"a wat yo' talkin' z 70, doan recko1
devil be alibe wen yo' done swallere'
i. ,em, do yo'2 Drink it down, niggah
ee drink it down. Yo's gettin powiqq
techy,