The weekly democratic statesman. [volume] (Austin, Tex.) 1871-1883, 1882-11-09
The Religious Reporter.


The Religious Reporter.
A few days ago the local depart
ment of an eastern paper was ter.
ribly rushed, and it was found nee.
essary to assign the religious editor
to base ball match. He watched
the game through patiently, and the
next morning submitted the follow.
ing report:
"a very refreshing game of base
ball was experienced in the Capito.
line Vineyard yesterday afternoon,
atfording exceeding JUNCTION to a
congregation of fully two thousand
souls. Brother Murphy, of the
Brooklyn class, first welded the
rod, even as did Moses at the rock
of waters, and shifting the ball with
prodigious smite was richly blessed
with two bases. 1t then became the
blessed privilege of Brother Fitz.
gerald to stand forth, but despite
his most fervent efforts, Divine
Providence interfered with q
foul tip, and the brother
harvested naught. During this
season Brother Murphy had
experienced a change of bases,
garnering unto himself the
third thereof, whereat was great re-
jOicing, mingled with lamentation
and rending of garments among the
disciples of the conflicting tribes. AT
this critical point in the salvation of
the class Brother Maloney came
among them as a physician of souls
but the sheaves of great rejoicing
were not for him. Like Jacob he
wrestled, and like Nathan he fell, for
his adversaries were plenteous and
their wisdom that of the serpent, for
asmuch when he smote the ball so
that it scared, they that were as
Philistines unto him did congregate
around about that the ball might not
escape them, and did hold forth each
man his hands, until their fingers in
number were like unto the lilies of
the valley, and they seized the ball
and bore 1t thence in triumph"
"LoOk herep howled the manag-
ing editor, when he had reached this
point, whats all this got to do with
it ?"
Anything the matter~ inquired
the religious editor.
"This is no way to write up a base
ball MATCH" protested the managing
editor.
"Why notw Indignantly demanded
the religious editor. "What is the
matter with it? That's the way they
did it, and that's my way of doing
it up."
"But, man alive!" exclaimed his
superior, "this reads like a sermon -
Every well, any objection to SER
mons?" asked the religious editor,
tartly. "If you don't like my style
of business, you'd better send some
secular cuss to the next ball game"
"Listen to this, man !" said the
manager, reading from the account /:
''In this, the eleventh hour, Brother
Gilhooly essayed through efectual
shifting to turn back the host that
beset his brethren, and save unto
Brother Murphy the rich harvest of
his frequent exertions by welcoming
him to the haven of the home plate.
But his enemies prevailed against
him, so that when the ball had been
driven from him by a mighty cast of
the bat they threw it with marvel
GUS directness unto one of their
number, yea even unto him who was
upon the first of the bases, and he
smote Brother Gilhoolv hip and
thigh, SO that he fell, and the high
priest cried aloud in a great voice,
saying, All outp"
"That's all consistent with the
facts" said the religious editor, as
the managing editor looked up. "If
there's anything there that amt so
Pll buy you hatp'
"That's all right" proclaimed the
managing editor, "but the stylel See
the style! 1t sounds like the Bible !"
"Then it's the. Bible you object to"
retorted the religious editor. at
isn't the game, it's the Bible"
"No, no." protested the despair
ing manager. "Not that. l object
to applying the scriptural style to
such matters. Suppose reporter
should write up political meeting
i'll that way:
"Our city was previously blessed
last evening by a richly blessed and
fervent meeting of the Mclaughlin
Democrats. Brother Jim Dunno oc-
cupied the chief seat and availed
much in bringing perishing souls to
a more perfect understanding of the
grace aud blessed privileges of Dem
Ocracy as preached by brother Nc
The harvest was plente-
Gus, and though the mamnlon of un.
was instrumental in
exciting a grievous disturbance over
the contesting delegation from the
first ward, the Lord was with his
people, and the laborers gathered
and the reapers were
richly rewarded"
"How would that sound, eh?"
"That sounds all right" comment
ed the religious editor. "Don't see
out of the way with that
# it's true"
But how many Democrats would
it?"
"None, l suppose"
"And how many people who adj
nire base ball are going to under
stand your account of that game |
demanded the managing
EDITOR, trIumphantly.
"Of course, if you put it in that |
way" replied the religious editor,
his ear. "But say, / don't
hink can possibly write down to
he understanding of that class"
''Perhaps not, and so I'll turn your
.ccount over to the Office boy to re-
write. Now come 10 lunch, for
want to talk oyer report floating
round that church wars are like
abroad rate battles, gotten up in
be interest of the various organiza-