The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-06-03
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


Turkey.
The child who cried for an hour did not get I
The man who stole pair o. socks only too
them off to put them on.
The color OF the wind was discovered by tn
mau who went out and found 1t blew.
Three cheers should be given to Judge Davl
Davis whenever he stops at railway eatin
house.
Every man in the world has O master whom
is trying all the time to please-and that maste
is himself.
Mrs. Jesse James announces that anythin
that may be said about her Is not so.-Nec IN
leans Picdyune.
A man who has mulatto servant girl name
Ella, calls her lumber. Ella We don't Sienna fu
in that.
An Indiana woman applied for divorce be
cause her husband killed mad dog which wa
about to bite a good looking school.ma'am.
Inquiring Duffer asks: "What kind OF liqno
will man get drunk on quickest" The kint
he can get hold of first.
The hog may not be thoroughly posted II
arithmetic, but when you come to a square roo
he is there-the hog is.
A lawyer, explaining the meaning of "a con
tingent fee" TO his client, SAID: "lf lawyer loses
the case he gets nothing. If he wins you gel
nothing
You can't make yourself good by simply going
to church, and after that doing as you please
any more than you can make yourself polite by
swallowing dancing master
The Boston Post says that men would cry II
they could not swear. One who has never jump
ed three feet high and yelled "By hockey" cannot
imagine what an escape-valve 1t Is.
We never knew that nature could be deceived,
but an artist has been found who lately painted
piece of cork so like stone that when thrown
into the river it sank Immediately.
"You are as full OF airs as q music box" is
what young man said TO a girl who refused to
let him see her home. THAT may be-" was the
reply "but don't 20 with crank"
A Chicago lawyer, being tainted by an oppo-
nent with his gray hair, retorted that "it will
stay gray as long as live, while my friends hair
will stay black as long as he dyes"
The hairdressers of Paris have a difficult task
set them at the next public competition. One Of
the subjects OF practical illustration is, "Stylish
method of cutting the hair Of o bald headed
man"
It is understood that Eli Perkins rode Apollo,
the horse that won the Derby at Louisville Tues
day. In the pictures and statues Apollo is al
ways represented as carrying Il lyre.-Louisvile
Co,uier-Journal
A man in New York State who is said to be
"a devout Presbyterian" needs to be explained.
A Springfield woman, whipped by her hus.
band, called in q policeman, who subdued the
bully with great difficulty and started with him
for the statian house. Then the wife discovered
that the prisoner WAS without shoes, declared
that he would catch cold, insisted upon delay
while she procured them, fought the officer like
fury to make him wait, and finally was taken
to prison with her spouse.
Says the Buffalo Courier: "The way TO win Mt
poker: Set bit OF concave mirror In one side
of a silver dollar and put the coin on the table
among the rest OF your money with the looking
glass up. Hold your hands over 1t as you deal.
and you will know what everybody holds, and
just how to bet" Now, how did the editor OF
the Courier find this out?--Boston Post.
Many household horrors could be avoided by
imltatlng Tue "le OF u NashVille merchant, VINO
gave her husband the following letter with in
structions that IL should not be opened until he
got to his place Of business:
am forced to tell you something that know
will trouble you, but IL Is my duty to do SO.
am determined you shall know II, let the result
be what may be. have known for u week that
IN. Vrial was coming, ouI kept IL 10 myseH uh'
til to-day, when it has reached crisis and can
not keep it any longer You must not censure
"a vii a. ,nusait a. bona !, nn,,t a.,,ah uo,
Tho Hnnr ia nil ont PLEASE send ma some tbis
aftnrnoon tbouwht hv tina method von would
not fnTget II y ''' ''''N
Inst wsok at Los apyelas , morr,ed womo,
aIonaS Win her coachman IN cnnseouenca ~
,yTich nav hushond shot bi,nsnlf Tha noyt da'
thr 1onghtnr WHO wos olsn In Iowa With ina
cnsrhman went insane while the servant girl
who ,vas in tnrn ,rnnn an thn dnfunct hmshasnd