The National tribune., 1882-04-01
WIT AND HUMOR.


to put Alexander III "in hole" Wouldn't
that be Gar -chasm?
The ice-dealer's little venture: You may
talk about fine buildings, but it's the ice
house that takes the cake.
Another weather profit" said Bliffers, rs
he pocketed five dollar bill that he won On
wager upon atmospheric charges.
All creeds and all guides for living and
doing can be safely boiled down to this: Dc
your best. That covers the whole ground.
Don't you think that Miss Brown is a
sweet girl?" asked Henry. "Oh, yes, very
sweet" replied Jane; that is to say, she is
well preserved"
"Yes," said the farmer, "barbed wire fence
is expensive, but the hired man doesn't stop
and rest for five minutes ON top of it eyery
time he has to climb it.
Professor in hydrostatics "If you had
purchased crown of gold and thought part
of it was silver, what would you dor"
Junior: Take it back
An esthctic poet wrote: "The muses. kiss
with lips of flame" but when he found the
second word printed mules" he talked like
burly pirate for five minutes.
woman may not be able to sharpen
pencil, or throw a stone at hen, but she
can pack more articles into a trunk than
man can into one-hOrse wagon.
The chap who sent US a poem beginning
When twilight dews are falling fast upon
the rosy lea" has since married Rosa Lee,
and now the weekly dues are falling fast
upon him.
An Illinois man, with a foresight worthy
of better cause, popped the question on
railroad train, and now the maiden Is at
loss to decide as to which county she had
better commence proceedings in for breach
of promise.
Doctor, to a nervous patient: "Whati
You are afraid of being buried alive before
life is extinct? Nonsense! You take what
l prescribe, and drive such foolish notions
out OF your head. Such thing never hap
pens with my patients"
Merchants ought to learn by heart the
prayer of Lord Ashley before the battle of
Edge Hill: ooh Lord Thou knowest how
busy must be this day; if forget Thee,
do not forget me-"
At Council Bluffs, Iowa. a young girl fired
by jealousy, fred four shots at young
man named Undershot, and missed him.
Council Bluffs papers have no paragraphers,
or they would have all said she undershot
him.
1t is getting to be esthetic for ladies to
thank gentlemen who arise and offer them
seat In street car. We received one thank
this morning, being the first in five years.
To be sure, we havn't got up much.-M 2.
Com. AdU.
It is cold day now when an express train
in some part of the Republic doesn't run
down hand-car and wear out few tele-
graph repairers or section men. The express
trains must have developed little emotional
nsanity.-BurIington Hawkeye.
A member of fashionable congregation
called at a music store and inquired: Have
you the notes of piece called the Song of
Solomon?" adding, "Our pastor referred
to it yesterday as an exquisite gem, and my
wife would like to learn to play it.
Alphonse Karr said: "You can prove
nothing to women. They believe only with
their hearts and their imaginations." Al
phonse had evidently been trying to make
his wife believe that the billiard chalk on
his coat was white-wash from the Office
wall.
Little Edith was terribly sleepy the other
night. She began her customary prayer
upon retiring, but when she got as far as
"Our Father" her eyes closed and her head
tumbled onto the pillow. II tant't tay it
tonight" she said, =" Pm too sleepy. He
knows the vest of it,"
In Munich tayern.-Guest to proprietor:
"See here, mine host, what l found In this
mug of beer-a piece of paper and q brandy
glass" Host: Well, and supposin' you did.
A man was here the other day who found an
apple dumping in his beer, and didn't ssy q
word. rd."-FEiegende Blatter.
Fritz has been hunting up the pedigree
of DR.. Tanner, the celebrated hungry
man, and finds he is of very ancient lineage.
The forty-third verse of chapter nine, Acts
Of the Apostles, reads: "And it came to
pass that he tarried many days with one
Simon A. Tanner"
ayes sir" said the marketman, plenty
of game on hand. Whatn you haye?"
And the gentleman replied: "Oh, don't
wish to purchase any now. I don't know
as shall want any at all. But 1 expect to
go hunting this after noon, and just
thought I'd make sure there was some ID the
market in case didn't get any.
K Mr. Justice Hayes, as is well known, was
a wit. On the trial of cause of Wood
cock against Bird" before Lord Chief JUS
tice Jeryis at Warwick, the chief justice
having remarked that it was a pity that two
{" Birds should not live In harmony, Hayes
replied: "Yes, it is, my lord; but my
client complains of the length of the plain
tifrs bill"
Customer" Here, waiter; what do you
call this you've brought me?" Waiter
Ham, sir; you ordered ham," Customer
When was it cooked ?n Waiter snap
pishly)-"I don't know, sir; we don't put
tags on with the date and time of cooking!'
Customer You ought to! This ham was
cooked thirty or forty years ago! Bring
soma that uaa pooI-ad tbiS vaar ~