The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1882-01-01
MARK TWAIN ON THE Pill
GRlMS. ~
The HumOrist's Speech at the New
England Society Dinner in
9 80 Philadelphia.

Mark Twain attended the banquet
of the New Eoglsnd Society. of Pen
ylvanis, at Philadelphia last evening.
and ln~the course Of q very witty
speech raid: -
81 rise TO protest. l have Kept still
Tor years, bot really / think there ie
Insufficient Qualification for this sort
OF thing. What do you want to
celebrate those people for ?-theee
ancestors OF yours. OF 1620-the May
flower tribe l mean. What 90 you
want 10 celebrate them for Your
pardon the gentleman st my left
assures me that you are not celebrst-
ing the Pilgrims themselves, but the
landing Of the Pilgrims at Plymouth
Rock on the 22i of December. So
you are celebrating the r landing.
Why. the other pretext was thin
enough, but this 10 thinner than ever (;
the other was Tissue, tinfoil, feb
bladder, but this 10 gold leaf. Cele
brating their InndIugl What was
there remarkable about it, l would
ike TO know? WHAT can you be
thinking Of? Why, those Pilgrims
had been at sea three or four months.
1t was the very middle OF winter; it
was as cold as death of Cape Cod,
there. Why shouldn't they come
ashore? If they hsdn't landed. there
would be some reason in celebrating
the fact. 1t would have been q case
OF monumental leather. hea1edness
which the world would not willingly
let die. s) Har
People alvays progress. You are
better than your fathers and grand
fathers we're this is the first time l
have ever aimed measureless slspd-
or at the departed. for l consider such
things improper) Yes, those among
you who have not been in the pen
itentiary, if such there be-, are better
than your fathers and grandfsthers
were; but is that any sufficient resson
for getting up annual dinners and
celebrating you? No. by no means
by no means. Well, I repeat, those
Pilgrims were hard lot. They took
good care of themselves, but they
abolished everybody else 8 ancestors.
am q border rufhan from the ban
ner State OF Missouri; I am con-
neclicpt Yankee By adoption. In me
you have Missouri morals, Connect
cut culture; this, gentlemen, is the
com blnation which makes the per-
feet man But where are my ances-
tors? Whom shsll I celebrate?
Where shall find the raw material?
My first American ancestor, gentle
men, was an Indian; an early Indian;
Your ancestors skinned him alive.
and l am an orphan. Not one drop
OF that Indians blood flows in my
veins to-day. / stand here lone and
forlorn, without an ancestor. They
skinned him. / do not object to that,
if they needed his fur. Bat alive.
alive! They skinned
MIN aIvel And before comp any.
That is what rankles. Think how be
&c ust have felt; for he was q sensitive
person and easily embarrassed. II be
had been biri it would have been
all right, and no violence done 20 his
feeling, because be would have been
considered dressed" but be wac not
bird, gentlemen; be was man,
and probably one OF the most IN
1reseed men that ever wss. ! ask
you ~ put yourself 10 his place. l
4sk it IS 9 favor; I ask 1t ss . tsrdy
act of Justice; | Aek 1t IN the interest
OIL fidelity To she traditions OF your
ancestors; l asked that the world
may contemplate, with vision unob-
structed by dngulsiDg eHaIlow tails
And white crsVAs, the spectacle
which the true New England Society
ought to present. Cease 70 come 70
these annual orgies ia this hollow
modern mookery-ths sufplusage OF
come IL character, come IN
the summer grace, come In the un-
adorned simplicity. come IN the free
and joyous costume which your
salnted ancestors provided for mine.
Now, listen to me. Why do you
wish to perpttuste these societies?
want you to stop right here and dis
band. Begin by selling Plymouth
Rock at auction. In the great wealth
Of rocks in New Englsnd this part
icuia5 rock would bring perhaps
thirty-five cents. II you don's cell it
IhroW 1t open to the patent medicine
man. Do something 10 make stsrt.
On this table / ses water and milk
and even the deadly lemonade. You
are on the downward pain. 10 lew
years you viii surtl y reach cider.
Pause while il is -Dot 100 late. But
sull / hzve 80 hIs b an opinion OF you
and your ancestry rs | Can under the
My grandfather used
to shy that lt would Dc hard TO im-
prove Oh the god old Plymouth
siock-upless The person were born