The Fremont County record., 1882-12-30
FUN CLIPPED.
A mute turns a deaf ear to fsttery,
A sweet thing in stoctinps-csndy

Des Moincs, Iowa, has a pretty milliner
who has been the cause OF four divorces.
When 1t comes to the question of beauty
women are not n mutual admiration
society.
Toledo man i. so mean that he takes
advantage of his wife's jealousy in prevent
ing her from keeping hired girl.
The man who hung up his sock and found
nothing but hole in the toe of it Christ
mas morning, said, Darn the sock!"
The bridegroom who would be so mean
MS to give the minister counterfeit dollar
FOR his fee deserves to be afflicted with
twins
Drowning men catch al straws and
why great many can't keep their heads
above water
II is wonderful how silen; man can be
when he knows his cause is just, and how
boisterous he becomes when he knows he is
IN the wrong.
Girls should take a supply of parched
coffee along with them to the ball TO keep
their young men from going out for it be
tween the dances
We have discovered a man in this oity
50 years old, who cuts the buttons OF his
wristbands, just 10 have pretty girl at his
boarding house sew them on. Lively old
boy.
Brooklyn man no longer asks another
of Sunday morning Are you going TO
church, The query now Is Arc you
going to hear stamp speech this morn
ingY-
"Are churches practical - asks the New
York Tribune "weil they seem to be
They contrive TO get money out Of the
tighi-iisted old cnrmudgcons who dodge the
tax collection.
The Boston Transcript has seen n theai-
rical audicnS" applaud the actor who
vowed never TO touch liquor again. and
then three iifths of them rushed out for "A
beer rs soon as the curtain went down.
A Montana woman sued for divorce be-
cause her husband kissed the sarvan, girl.
you want this man punished ~ asked the
Judge. Il do, said she. Then said the
Judge, u shall not divorce you from him
"Did yon soc the moon over your righ,
shoulder, my dca=Y" siid she TO him as
they noAIned down the walk "N-n-no,
not exactly but Just ssw the old man
over my LEFT shoulder, and III bid YOU
gooJ-nighLr
1T may hab ben de intention at fust fur
preachers TO hab disregard oh money. but
show the preacher dat won't climb down
often a siStecn-haBd mule ter pick up "a
nickel In dc road au' IN split yer thou
stnd fails Tor nuthin.
There is nothing like settling down."
said the retired merchant, cnnfidcnnaily TO
his friends. when gave up business /
seitlcd down and found had quite COM
Portable fortune. II I had settled up, ]
would no, have had a cent
A contributor says that a man owning a
ranch wanted 10 sell out and go into the
liquor business. but his wife objectei and
refused to sign the deed. He thercupon
beat her severely. He was bound 20 go
into the lick 'er business anyhow.
Ask no woman her age. Never joke
with a policeman. Do not contradict n
man that stutters. Never play chess with
awidow. De civil to yich unclos and aunts.
Take your oldes, hat for an evening party.
Always sit next to the carver, If you can,at
dinner.
The telegraph recently announced that
the Mikndo Of Japan was III with that
disease peculiar TO the country, called
lnknkc. The suffering reporter of the
Norristown Herald wonders why the cable
gram didn't state how he ",-took tho
ka-kake.n
In answer to question as TO his religion,
chap on trial at Syracuse the other day
for some offense said his mother was n
Catholic and his father was a Protestant,
and 80 he said he was half-brced. This
iiication.
The gentleman stepped on the coal deal
er's platform scales and asked TO be weighed
The dealer said: why certainly n and
called TO tho man inside to take the weight
The man thought IL was coal he was weigh
ing, and shouted back the weight two
thousand pounds.
How near akin laughter Is to tears WAS
shown when Rubcns, with single stroke
of his brush, turned laughing child in q
painting TO one crying and our mothers,
without being great painters, have often
brought us In like manner from joy to
grief in n single stroke.
clerk OF an cminently respectable
house, the head Of which is deacon, was
instructed to prepare an advertisement and
have It inserted in the papers, lie prepared
one which read: "The pot scoopcd We
hold four acres to the bob-tail fiush of any
other house on finc tabc-cloibs."
In Dcadwood church, the other day,
the large congregation was dcvou,ly knccl-
ing In prayer, when an irreverent joker
quito audibly whispered; Here comes an
eastern detective In seventeen seconds
all that congregation except the chief cl-
der Ind aid throneh the windows.
Anybody called this morning ?" asked
the editor of u country paper Of one of his
uSstbGu'r, Wuom ht hNt WI tht cestiS
'fYcs our subscribers arc upstairs" What!
all Of cm ~ "Ycs, they're ali thero." "whai
did yon do, thcn? We've only got two
chairs" 'oh, borrowed ono next door. y
A Knnsas editor who had written mi
abusive article about n candidate for Office,
after being yanked by the collar out Of his
sanctum md hurled down flight of stairs
by the cnragcd oflicc-seeker inserted the
following under tho head of Personal :
"Mke Stout, who Is tho strongest man OF
the ticket. was among our collars ycstcr
dAy.p
Mr.. whackcm, All Austin rt,ssssognc, los
another scholar yesterday. Tho class wa'
parsing sentence
'what la tho imperative Of tho verb :.
Eo?n said whackem TO Johnny Fizsletop,
u don't know.n
Go Y shouted Whacksm.
THANK you, sir, y replied Johnny, and h,
Wa two blocks OF before the tcacher coult
r. catch his breath