The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-12

Pi0A duC phIulAuS3 uAu 1 cA0 q oily tdIC0t
at all, some of the plaques can be warranted
to scare a cat to death on sight.
TIL meanest man on record sent through
| a post-ofice presided over by a woman, a
postal-card, on which was written: ''Dear
Jack: Here's the details of that scandal"
And then the rest was in Greek.
Ar Albany man contriveo to teach his par
rot to talk SO well that he had to pay 81, 600
damages because the bird slandered the char
acter of a lady in the neighborhood. He
ought to present that bird to a sewing soci-
ETY..
Said young Symonds: "Old Ragbag has
forbidden me his house, and ordered mt not
to speak to his daughter; but if he thinks, by
that racket, he can rouse my obstinacY and
get me to make love to the girl and marry
her, he's mistaken.
The grand scramble for appointments un-
der the municipal officers has just begun,
and one Of them has already hung up his
sign in his Office: Lady applicants for clerk
ships will please weep in the anteroom, as
the Recorder suffers greatly from damp feet.
SIS the doctor in ?" asked an anxious-look-
ing young man. mo, sir" replied the per-
son addressed, 'but you can leave an order
on the slate. Is it a very urgent case 2"
well, yes" the young man said-''rather
urgent. I think Just as I started away from
home my youngest brother was falling out of
a second-story window
SIS there anything I can do for you, dar-
llng?' he said, Unfortunately getting his
mouth in close proximity to her Grecian and
highly sensitive nose, and then, as she aver
ted her head with a shrug of disgust, hastily
throwing a few fresh cardamon seeds into
his mouth. eyes," she answered, without
turning around, ''open the window and give
me a little fresh air"
Once upon a time a woman died, and as
the mourners were carrying her to the grave
they tripped against a stump and let the cof-
fin fall. She revived, having only been in a
trance. Two years after, she really died,
end as they were carrying her down the same
road and neared the same stump, the discon-
SOIaLe WiQOWer SODDeu: Oleduy. UOy6
Steady, there! Be very, very carefulT
"There's too much horse racing at our
county fairs" remarked Parson Jones to the
secretary of the county society, Il should
like to know, sir, what has horse racing to
do with agriculture ~ "Well, parson," re-
piled the secretary, with a pleasant smile,
nothing perhaps or, at least, no more
than lotteries have to do with spreading the
gospel" Parson Jones saw the point and
changed the conversation Immediately.
JolIy-A dinner party--the youngest gent
leman Git is his first visi) has broken the ice
at last by inquiring the name of the hostess
little daughter, to which the child has ans.
wered, sEthel.". "And why, Ethel, do you
keep patting me on the arm r. because
mamma says you are q muf'-(awful pause,
during which the child strokes him DOWN.
ssbut you don't feel like one, you know.
(Tableaux: child complacent-nobody else,
A few evenings ago a little boy was busily
engaged at his lessons. His father, one OF
the leading citizens of Austin, had gone to
the Lodge, and his mother was busy sewing.
The little boy looked up and asked: ''Mam.
ma. what does the word spretext' mean? ?
"When your father says he has to go to the
lodge two or three times q week, that is 9
pretext to get way from his family" The
boy did not say anything, but next day when
he read out to the whole school his definition
of pretext, he created a sensation.
A half-drunken man was yesterday hang
ing to the city hall fence, when a benevolent
looking pedestrian halted before him anc
said: Il am truly sorry to see you in tina
condition" ''Yes-bad condishun," replied
the inebriate. IN too fur gone t'Nalk 'ome
an not drunk huff to be locked up" "Itl
a shame" ''Shame! You bez it ish! Here
I'm only half drunk an dead broke!" "Ar'
you out of money p ''Ouz Of money
Course I am. 'spose I'm putting off thi
drunk to 60 to funeral? Doan' hurt my feel
ing if you can't help me-"
Men Of genious are hedged about by priv
leges to which the coarser clay Of humanity
pays an involuntary respect and homage
Mr.. r. was a man of genus. One day
friend called to see him and was told by thu
girl who answered the door bell that he
master was not receiving visitors. what
the matter with him p he asked. "He'
got an attack of the liver complaint" IL
s that all !? Then | guess he'll see me-" .
guess not" said the girl, quickly but firmly
"nhen his bile amt workin' right he want
h norticik1or ~ no lnt alone. az he allns writes