The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-10-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

hcient." Ella has evidently been read
ing from DIR. Tanner.
1t was Detroit girl who married al
10 so as to have her golden wedding
when 1t would do her some good.
The young woman who sneeringly re-
marks that men are all alike generally
shows her sincerity by taking the first
man that offers himself to her
Miss Emma Abbott is said to have
made 100000 in stock speculation re-
Gently. Emma, if you can do that sort
OF thing. you just let opera alone.
There is one. advantage in warm
weather. At no other season of the
year can you spread the butter on the
children's bread 80 evenly and 30 thinly.
Says cynical Old lady, 'Very
handsome mothers are often proud OF
their very ugly babies. wonder If but
terflies are proud OF their caterpillars- ~
No matter how handsome a young
woman may be, when the right man
comes along she Is ready to yield the
palm of her beauty, if he havethe sense
to ask il.
Takes a woman for ingenuity. A
Cleveland girl had new bonnet she
wanted to show, and contrived to get
herself called as a witness on case she
knew nothing about.
Vegetables are ever so much better
for a person than meat this hot wealth
er." remarked the head of the family,
as he reached for the last slice of beef
and left an unsatisfactory ear of corn
for the rest of the household.
A woman lately looked at printing
press at work, turned to her companion,
and in most earnest manner inquired.
"Well, Charley, an thems the things rs
writes the papers. Be's them what
they call editorsg'
Yes, my boy, there are 5000, 900
people in this country. And you are
only one of them. Just one. Think Of
that, once in a while, when you get to
wondering what would happen TO the
world if you should die.
1t may be interesting TO the boys 10
learn that o mule can fight at both ends.
A Louisville boy who tickled mule
about the mouth the other day was
frightfully bitten in the hand by the en-
ragged longears.
II declared" exclaimed Mrs. Tindice,
al never saw gal like our Sary Jane.
/ worked eenamost two hull days on her
bathin' dress, and don't you think she
got it wringin' wet the fust time she put
il on"
Substitution.-It WAS at party. Miss
Angelina had been persuaded to preside
at the piano. There" said Seraphina,
rs Angelina took up piece of music,
''she has taken tune from the rack,
and now she will put us all on it."
A trade journal gives directions, for
preserving harness" Preserved. har-
ness may be considered very palatable
by those who like that sort of thing,
but we don't want bit in our mouth.
-NOrriStOto'1 Herald.
"Yes, sir" says the oldest resident,
''the first trip l made from Lowell to
Boston was over the old canal, and /
worked my passage on the canal-boat."
''Worked your passagep HowP' in
quired his audience. 81 led the horse"
solemnly remarked the ancient mariner.
A certain self-styled authority on wit
and humor says that there are but
twenty kinds of jokes We'll wager
that we can send him a boy that will
play over forty different practical jokes
in half day, unless he assassinates the
boy before that time.
A fashion item says that the belle OF
tho period now wears ut her waist belt
little music box, family playing a sim
the gentleman to explain to anybody
who comes along unexpectedly. that he
was winding the box.
Recipe for Angels: Mamma, what
makes angels?" asked little boy who
had been reading OF the heavenly in
habitants. The mother glanced out
into the orchard, and. with warning
look. solemnly replied. ''Unripe fruit,
mY dear"
Philadelphia mothers now tell their
youngsters that if they are right good
little boys until tho bi-centennial cele-
bration this fall, they will take them
down 10 the river bank and let them
play with the United States Navy
PsitadelphsG Ness.
A sarcastic question may sometimes
do duty for the severest OF replies. Il
never consider dinner perfect without
SOUP" said one man to another; II al
ways have soup when l dine" "And
do you ever have anything elseP'' asked
the other.
"Caln bottomed chairs!' repeated the
countryman. studying the upholsterer' s
sign. Gain bottomed chairs, did he?
/ want TO know! Can't hardly believe
it, but then these ere city chaps know.
Won't our dominic be took back, though.
when tell 'im.'
He Smoked-Bill Snort, a Texas
journalist. WAS about to get into car
on the Central railway, when the con-
ductor, thinking the passenger might
prefer the smoking car, asked: do
you smoker Don't care if do,"
reaching out for the expected cigar.
"As for Mrs. So-and-so." remarks
one of the guests in salon where they
are passing their friends under review,
''her. worst fault is that she is bored
wherever she goes" Her lack of self
ishness is a still greater defect" says
another. ''for she insists in not being
the only bored person in the company"
A Chicago man came home very ear
ly the other evening, kicked his wifi.
and children into the street, locked the
door, and then went TO bed. His wife
made no complaint, but went to a rela
tive's house, and with beaming face ex
claimed: Thank fortune, / know
where my husband is this night, any
way"
Lady Visitor-''Your boy looks very
bad, Mrs. Jones; what's the matters'
Mrs. Jones-"Yes, ma am. he be- yer,
bad; an what's more, the doctor hai
made him worse. I'm sure we poo
people need to pray with all our hearts
From all false docterin, good Lord. de
liver u.s. never saw its meaning be
fore"
A certain married man got up out o
his bed ono night and took new rex
coverlet and lay down upon it on th'
floor. In the morning when he got vi
his wife gave yell of fright. for on tn
day before she had been reading of th'
tattooed man, and for a moment sh
thought he had broken into her cham
Der. That new red coverlet is now 70
sale at a second hand store.
Chance for Stake.-They were bury
ing a man who had died in Southern
Indiana, when tramp leaned over th
fence and inquired, WAS he a states
manp" mo" "Orator?'' mo.
"Great inventor, or anything of tha