Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1882-03-17
10000
SQUIBS.

Alle Stlngy nuSOAnuS are HOT pOpu-
lar, every maiden likes to have her beau
very close.
An exchange prints an article en-
titled, GLOW to Distinguish SMALLPOX"
But no one wants to distinguish it.
What the public want tn know is how
to extinguish it.
Somebody has figured out that Van
derbilt's income would allow him, in
one day, to visit 5000 circnses, eat TO-
GOO pints of peanuts, and drink 5000
glasses of lemonade.
"Jane," he said, ~ think if you lifted
your feet from the fire we might have
some heat in the room" And they had
not been married long.
Copy of a notice on the beach at
Brighton: ''In case of ladies in danger
drowning, they should be seized by the
clothing and not by the hair, which
generally comes off,"
A Wisconsin girl who received a
comic valentine was SO mortified that
she took poison. The only comic thing
they can stand in that state is Nor
mon elder taking ride on rail.
Shocks went home the other night
afflicted with double vision. He sat for
some time with his sleepy gaze riveted
on Mrs. Shocks, and then com placently
remarked: "Well, | declare 'fyeu two
gals don't look 'nough like to be
twins"
Conjugal amenities-"Do you know
in what month of the year my wife
talks the least ~ "Well, 1 suppose when
she catches cold and loses her voice"
''Not at all. 1t is in February" "Why,
is that?" Because February has the
fewest days.
"Ah," he exclaimed, as he pressed
her tenderly to him at parting, "shall
| hold you in these arms again to-mor-
row and paint our future with the bright
pigments of Imagination ?' NO" she
said calmly, mot tomorrow; to-mor-
rows wash day."
A Californian gave a poor family
$500 dollars worth of provisions and
fuel, and then, dressing up as a beggar,
he went around to the house and asked
or bite to eat. He was promptly
kicked off the steps.
A citizen went into hardware store
the other day and inquired; Chow
much do you ask for bath-tub for a
child p Three dollars and seventy
five cents" was the reply. "W-h-e-w !"
whistled the customer, "Guess we'll
have to go on washing the baby in the
coalscuttle till the prices come down."
Capt. Percival, Cape Cod mariner
of the old school, was once awakened
in his bunk by shipnate. with the
announcement that the vessel was
going TO eternity. "Well," replied the
captain, 1--we got ten friends over there
to one in this world; let her CO." And
he turned over and went to sleep again.
What time is it, my dear ?" asked a
wife Of her husband, whom she sus-
pected of being drunk, but who was
doing his best to look sober. "Well,
my darling, / can't tell, cause, you see,
there are two hands on my watch, and
each points to a different figure, and |
don't know which to believe"
On the international train that left
one day for San Antonio there was a
negro who kept sticking his head out of
the car window. Keep your head in
SIDE" said the conductor angrily.
"Whaffor ?" "For fear you will damage
some of the iron-work Of the bridge,
you fool"
"Cham," the caricaturist, entertained
views on vivisection which would have
delighted Mr.. Berry. 81 do not oppose
vivisection," would be say; con the
contrary, fully realize its utility; but
as our organs differ materially from
those of dogs, why experiment on the
inferior animals Come, gentlemen, be
logical, vivisect one anotherm
There had been a seeming GOODNESS
between the lovers. One day Emily's
schoolmate ventured t. refer to the
subject and asked her: "When cid you
see Charley last Y' 1.-TWO weeks ago
tonight" What was he doing ?"
Trying to get over the fence" did
he appear to be much agitated ?" $50
greatly" returned Emily, "that it took
all the strength of papa. new bulldog
to hold him."
There, there don't cry any more"
said the kind-hearted stranger to a little
girl who was leaning against the railing
in front OF public school house weep
ing as if her heart would break. "Tell
US what's the matter" The child turn
ed two highly infame1 orbs up at the
good Samaritan, and then stsmmered
betwee. her sobs, "All the girls in my
class was vaccinated last week, and
mines the only one that hasn't took"
A pickering pair OF Quakers were
lately heard in high controversy, the
husband exclaiming: 81 am deter
mined to have one quiet week with
thee" "But how wilt thou be able to
get it7" said the haunting spouse, in
that sort Of reiteration which married
ladies so provokingly indulge in. II
will keep theea week after thou art
dead" was the Quaker's rejoinder.
A young friend Of mine was dining
with his father a few days ago.
George" said the fond parent when
they next met. "you took my overcoat
instead OF your own, and L regret to say
found the poke S of your coat full of
cigarettes and matches" II discovered
my mistake, father" replied the son.
directly got outside, for 1 found the
pockets of the coat had on contained
chocolate creams and three pairs OF
ladies' gloves. London Truth.
The country will always be safe"
says contemporary, while her citi-
zens continue to take an interest in
politics" This Is true, and it is pleas
ant to observe the interest OF her citi-
zens in politics continues undated.
And what more patriotic picture could
one wish to look upon than that of a
man discussing the tariff question in a
corner grocery, while his wife at home,
down In the cellar, is rasping her fingers
IN splitting kindling- wood.
Nellie, my DEAR" said Mrs. Slobson
% her daughter, "did you read Oscar
Wilde's lecture and note his observa-
ions regarding the desirability Of hav-
ng beautiful surroundings ?" Eyes,
mamma" Then tell me what you
.hink are the most beautiful surround
ngs-" "But won't" eyes, you viii"
Well, then, if you must know, l think
Jus Singsadly's arms the most beauti-
al surroundings lin the wide world"
The girl went 10 bed supperless, and
1eor Gus whistled at the garden gate |
or an hour without getting the usual
-esponse.
Max Maretzek, director of the GIN |
;innati college of music, has abruptly |
cvered his connection with the cellege |