Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1882-09-03
OUR END MAN MAJ
The Fun Ne Collects From our
7A Exchanges. ,,.q,5
The Waits and sh,ys Of : Humorous
Nature that are Continually
n.-,, ,s, Going the Rsu"ss oF"S b
the Press.
MISCELLANEOUS saiaks AND SMILES.

DOOy ~ uIy. ,Ia
Most people prefer . Welsh rabbit TO
| O hair in butter. o. 1'E ''
II must be greasy work. this getting
up q corner in pork.
Before an apple becomes cider u must
90 the rounds OF the press.
Ifyou want TO find out how great
man is, let him tell 1t himself.
1t is the man with swelled Jaw VINO
realized that silence Is golden.
In the mornings man gets up, but In
the evening he gets supper.
A man of quiet tastes is he who tip
piles on the sly, behind the pantry
door. s-r. &
Scum invariably rises. Remember.
Young man, there Is ALWAYS room NJ
the top. .
I A Kansas man named Jones has
been jailed at Emporia for marrying
his granddaughter. =.
Latin is q dead language, and that Is
why doctors use It for writing out their
prescriptions. .
Buckwheat fields now dot the rural
| Landscape, and In few months buck
| wheat cakes will dot the complexion.
The sting of a bee Is only one-thirty-
second of an inch long. IL Is only
your imagination that makes II seem
as long as hoe-handle.
A Chicago editor, married only q
week ago, has already printed q fierce
| editorial against bossism.
When an Oil City mans wife gave
| birth to twins he was surprised into
saying: "Cut wospot, by gosh.'
A Jersey milkman turned pale when
several of customers dubbed togeth-
er and made him . present ola scarf
| pin in the shape OF pump. =
The power of the human eye can
only be fully appreciated when well.
regulated wink will change bottle OF
tonic beer into bottle Of lager In spite
ofthe label.
Oh! give me anything made OF
beansw. exclaimed Boston man VINO
was taken sick in the West, when
asked what he would have to eat.
They obeyed his request. They gave
him castor oil.
It may be interesting to the boys to
learn that mule can fight at both
ends. A Louisville boy who tickled
mule about the mouth the other day
was frightfully bitten in the hand by
the enraged longears.
Detroit Free Press: A st. Louis girl,
sixteen years old, pretty as picture
and having voice as soft as currant
jelley, can split the pannel OF o COM
mon pine door with one blow OF her
fist. She Is not engaged.
Yes, my boy, there are SO, 200, 900
people in this country. And you are
only one OF them. Just one. Think OF
that, once in a while, when you get TO
world If you should die.
A woman lately looked at printing
press at work, turned to her compaLion,
and in q most earnest manner inquired:
"Well, Charley. an thems the things as
writes the papers. Bees them what
they call editOrs?"
Prepared to. die: A physician falls
into tit while making round OF WIS.,
its and is carried into q drug store.
"Send for DIR. X" says somebody,
mo, no, not for him." says the dying
man, feebly, ut the mention ofhis rivals
name: "1fhe brought me round 1t
would advertise him! Iprefer to die"
-furisidn Pedsdntry.
A gentleman talking the other day
to bright little five year-old boy who
lives up street somewhere, asked him:
"Do you every fight at home" 80,
yes," said the boy. "Well, whom do
YOU fight with%' go, my sister"
"Well, who whips?" 80, mamman
whips"
"Suppose," said lawyer to a badgerei
written reccntly-"suppose should tell
youthat could bring dozen men ofyour
town to this courtroom who would say
they would believe you on cath, what
would you say?" And calmly the wit
ness made reply, II would say your
lied"
vegetables are ever so much better
for person than meat this hot wealth.
err" remarked the head Of the family,
as he reached for the last slice Of beef
and left an unsatisfactory ear Of corn
for The rest Of the household.
Tailor's Collector: "Well, Mr.. Jig.
gers, I've brought you this little bill
again" Jiggers' why, of course;
I'm sorry, thought, for Pveonly just ex-
pressed the last dollar I had to the pa
triot Egyptians. Terrible war over
there, you know. Just explain to your
employer, please"
ayes, sir" says the oldest resident
"the first trip made from Lowell to
Boston was over the old canal, and 1
worked my passage Oh the canal boat"
"Worked your passage? Howw In.
quired his audience. 81 led the horse"
solemnly remarked the ancient mari
ner.
Saved his money: An aged peasant
learns that the village doctor, to whom
he had advanced some small sums, has
just passed away, leaving nothing but
debts. "Therew says he to his wife, with
delighted chuckle, 'sif hadn't had the
good luck to have that fit of infamms-
tory rheumatism two months ago, where
would my money be"'-French Fun.
Political item: A candidate met I'm
Gle Nose on Austin avenue and said TO
him: "Be sure TO come TO the ward
meeting tonight and bring all your
neighbOrs with you" "YOu kin jess
bet dey will come along with me, or j
stay at home myself Oar wouldn't be
q chicken lef' in my coop II | was ter
| 60 to de ward meetin' and luff dem
Majors at home."-Texas Siftings.
"iou say you can't pay your rent
now?" mo, can't pay 1t right now.
1t takes all my money to support my
family, provisions are 80 high" "When
do you think you will be able to pay upr
"JHst as soon as beer gets down TO Ave
cents a schooner I'll be able to lay up
two or three dollars q day, and then
I'll be able to liquidate my indebted
ness"
A beautiful girl looked out Of her
window one day and saw her rude
brother on the pavement walking about
on his hands with his feet up In the air.
aTom, she said, reproachingly, "don't,
Tom. wouldn't do that, Tom, indeed
l wouldn't" "Wouldn'tw replied the
| rude boy, looking up and speaking with
marked emphasis BY
Jacks you couldn't"
A lady whose husband was the cham
II IL