Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1882-05-18
ALL SORTS.

| oSnOu LILO oOSuPdeioHs IVpIl6Q that ne
was "pocket miner"
mo, don't know the senator" said
Jones; "but I kicked his dog once.
That is the only acquaintance have
with him."
At a house where they do great
deal of fancy work and keep a white
poodle, an innocent gentleman asked.
'sWho knit the dog?'
First passenger: 81 travel third
class on principle" Second affable
ditto: "Do you, nowp Well, do it
from want of principal"
| Patrick comes to the morgue to
claim lost relative. elias he any
popularity by which he can be recog.
nized ?" eyes, be is dumb"
"Why do you spend so much money
on your wife's funeral" asked a man
of his neighbor. "Ah, sir" was the
reply, ''She would have done as much
for me, with pleasurew
The new settlers in Texas will find
plenty of elbow-room, if nothing else.
One of them writes that he has the
"Rio Grande for bath tub, and all
Mexico for backyard"
An Irishman soliloquizes: "Be ma
troth, an it's moighty bad thing
there's no snow this winter! I could
then a been workin' wild the onem-
ployed an clainin' the streets"
In the counting-room Of Galveston
Irishman, the following notice is post
ed up: persons having no business
in this Office will get through with it
as soon as possible, and leave"
A restaurant keeper writes his own
bill of fare. thereby saving the cost of
printing. 1t announces, "Coffey, supe,
rosie befe, fried hamm, boyled and
bakt pertaters, fried could pudden,
minis pyes. mutting chops, veele Gull
verts and hasch."
1t was in the time of Cromwell, we
believe, that an illiterate soldier con-
trived to spell the word usage" with
out using single letter properly be-
longing to it. He wrote it "yowzitch,"
and when told that the spelling was
incorrect declared that nobody could
spell with a quill pen from an Irish
| goose.
"Were any minutes taken at your
meetings?" inquired Mr.. Hickman
Wordsworth, barrister, Belfast (Vic.),
OF member of school-committee
against whom the teacher had brought
an action for illegal dismissal. e.Min-
utes" exclaimed the witness. at
wasn't minutes we TUX; we wur hours
at it."
Here we have a joke and a man.
The joke is very old. It is bald and
toothless. 1t must be 1000 years old.
The man wears a big diamond and a
shiny plug hat. He is negro min
strel. Go and give the old, old joke to
him and he will take care of it tender.
ly. 1t is his business. He gets $40 a
week for it.
a contemporary asks, "How shall
women carry their purses to Illustrate
the thievesw Why, carry them empty.
Nothing illustrates thief more than
to snatch woman's purse, after fol-
lowing her half mile, and then find
that it contains nothing but a recipe
for spiced peaches and a faded photo
graph Of her grandmother.
When an Austin schoolmaster enter
ed his temple of learning few morn
ings ago he read on the blackboard
this touching legend: sour teacher is
a donkey" The pupils expected there
would be a combined cyclone and
earthquake, but the philosophic peda-
gogue contented himself with adding
the word "driver" to the legend, and
opened the school as usual.
A village schoolmaster, examining a
reading class, asked the head of the
class, "What is artificial manure?"
Don't know" said he, and the same
reply was given by four other boys;
but precocious youngster, not yet in
his teens, was equal to the occasion,
and said, please, sir, it's the stuff they
grow artificial flowers in.''
An. American reporter once trans
formed the quotation, "Amicus Plato
amicus Socrates, sed major veritas."
into 81 may Gus Plato, may Gus Soc.
rates, said Major Veritas." The next
mornings feelings of the orator to
whose words this extraordinary render
ing was given may be more easily
imagined than described.
81 never tire of reading Paradise
Lost" said Miss Posigush, her eyes
beaming with dreamy languor.
Don't you admire it, Mr.. Crab?" mo.
| don't" replied Crab, crisply, 81 used
to read it before I was married, but
now" casting look toward Mrs. c.
II know what Paradise Lost is with
out reading it," No wonder Mrs. Crab
says Crab is brute.
An old fellow, whose daughter had
failed to secure position as teacher,
| in consequence of not passing an ex-
amination, said, "They asked her lots
Oh things she didn't know. Look at
the history questions They asked her
about things that happened before she
was born! How was she going to
know about them7 Why, they asked
her about old George Washington and
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