The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1882-01-07
MACK TWAIN AND TIE PILGRIM
FATHERS.


Mark Twain, at the celebration Of the
New England Society the other day, said:
II THANK yog cerdially for these kind
and well-descrved compliments paid me,
and | shall ever strive to deserve them.
But let us come down to business. |
now appear before you as protestor. |
have kept still for years and years-any-
body knows that; but / want to ask:
What do you want to celebrate your an
cestors for: | admit that they were hard
lot refer more particularly to the
Mayhower gang. My friend on the left
here says that you are not celebrating
the Pilgrim Fathers, but their landing at
Plymouth Rock. thought the first pre-
text was thin, but this one is thinner.
The first one was gauze, tin-foil, tissue,
but this one is gold leaf. What was
there about the landing of the Pilgrims?
They had been three or four months at
sea; they were all played out and nearly
starved; it was fearful cold and they
were nearly frozen. Why shouldn't they
land: If they hadn't landed there would
have been some reason for celebration.
Now you try to make out that this simple
proceeding was of enough Importance
to be celebrated with orgies like this.
Why, a horse would have known enough
to land Therefore this festival is an in
consistency, and it shows just what an
irascible, intractable tribe the New
Englanders are. They never agree on
anything but Boston. Those ancestors
of yours must have been mighty hard
lot, for there is not man in this room
who will admit that he is better than his
father or his grandfather. Such of you
as have not been in the Penitentiary If
such there be-are all better than your
fathers. You may talk about your an
cestry as you please, but as for me am
border ruffian, Missourian by birth,
with Connecticut as my adopted State.
| have the morals of Missouri and the
culture of Connecticut, and that's the
combination that makes the perfect man.
Where is my ancestor, the good Indian?
Your ancestors skinned him alive and l
am an orphan. Not a drop of my blood
runs in his veins to-day, but | don't
object to that. They skinned him alive.
All! that's the thought that rankles. He
was sensitive Indian and his embarrass.
ment before the world must have been
very great. If he had been bird he
would have been considered dressed. As
man he was one Of the most undressed
men eY,r saw Later on your ancestors
sperse5S r another ancestor of mine, the
Quaker. Your ancestors didn't wan
any interference with the freedom O
worship in their own peculiar way. Th'
first African brought into New England
us a slave was an ancestor of mine.
am OF mongrel origin. Now, listen t.
me. Why do you wish to perpetual
these societies? want you to stop righ
here and disband Begin by selling
Plymouth Rock at auction In the grea
wealth of rocks in New England thi
particular rock would bring perhap
thirty-fve cents. If you don't sell
throw it open to the patent medicin
man. DO something to make a start
On this table | see water and milk an
even the deadly lemonade. You are O
the downward path. In few years yo
will surely reach cider. Pause while i
is not too late. But still / have as hig
an opinion of you and your ancestry as
can under the circumstances. My grand
father used to say that it would be har
to improve on the good old Plymout
stock--unless the person We're born i
Missouri"