National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1882-03-11
FUN, FAor. FICTION.


chances.
Old Deacon Dobson always boosted that he was
prepared FOR the worst and his neighbors
thought he got It when he married his second
wife.
Fitz.Johu Porter wants his case reviewed. lie
was always partial TO reviews much more so than
to fights. However, lot the parade go on Toledo
Telegram.
1.-THE man who expects TO adjust the rope around
Guiteaus neck ~ named Robert Strong." AL
though 1t may not be Strong, let the knot be strong
all the same.
1t Is q time honored custom In Quincy, Fla, to
salute q newly married couple by firing cannon.
This is to remind them that the battle Of life has
fairly begun Burlington Ha,ckeye.
Another member Of the New York Legislature
has sent his pass back to Vanderbilt He sent 1t
back to have It made out for his family instead of
himself alone CinciSnuii Saturday Might.
Says the Albany Argus, "Great truths are Omen
said In the fewost Words Do you mean the re.
mark Of the Indian who, sitting upon wasps'
nest, arose and remarked " Heap hell?"
little girl read composition before the min
lister. The subject was A Cow" She wove in
this complimentary sentence: e COW Is the most
useful animal in the world, except religion"
A college student, in rendering to his father an
account of his term expenses, inserted: "To
charity, $50" His father wrote back: al fear
charity covers multitude of slns."-Erchdngc
Abiding 10 the source and character of the OPP
position to the nomination OF Roscoe Conkling.
the Chicago Inter Ocean says: There Is always
one refuge left to the small dog; he eau bark"
A Chinaman would rather fly kite than go OH
drunk. tear down DOORS and thump n bartender.
And yetsome people regard the Chinese as the In
tcllcctual equal OF the white man.-Bos!on Post.
Springfield dairymau furnished butter to n
circus company recently, and wanted to get in
OH the strength OF II. The ticket agent exam
incd the butter and granted the request.-Er-
change.
"What Is vino made off" asfed an Austin
teacher of Johnnie Fizzletop who sald no didn't
know "You ought to know, for last summer l
saw you climbing over n fence to get into grape
arbor; what did you get there?" "A licking"
Some one says thread and butter Is the dress
of this world. love and kindness its trimming
Wen bet 800 the man who wrote that isn't ma
ried. Any married man knows that the trim
ming always costs four times as much rs the
dress.-Hdipkeye.
One of the morning papers contains an account
ofhow man lost gold watch on n Market street
car, and states that the case is In the hands of
detective. If the case Is In the hands of detect
i've. we venture to inquire what has become of the
works Philadelphia Erenin9 Bulletin,
A philosopher says: "Tho man who laughs Is
the sympathetic man." That's about the was
philosophers make donkeys of themselves. Hang
I'll The sympathetic man Is the ono who doesn't
laugh, but looks the other way and doesn't pretend
to see you, and gives you chance to get up.
Even the double vaned Herald much as 1t has
mallgned Stalwartism, and meanly as 1t has in the
past treated President Arthur and all other
Stalwart leaders, cannot stomach the Tribune last
cowardly assault upon Mr.. Conkling, and char
acterizes itas "revolting blackguardism. "-Bosioa
Trarelier.
Deacon Stllman, of East Troy, wis, said that
Miss Turnbull q pretty milliner there, wasn't
quite as good as she should be- Miss Turnbull
proved in court that she was Just exactly as good
as any lady should be; and now the deacon has
to pay her g. 900 for talking too much. Now, who
says that talks cheap?
The court, austerely: "Prsoner. how did you
have the audacity TO break into this mans house
at midnight and rob him?' Prisoner piteously:
But, your Honor, last time was before you you
wanted to know how could have the audacity 10
rob man oil the highway at high noon. When
do you want me to get In my work."
Ebery provision of nature may be WISE but
dOan' sec why body should suffer so in cuttin'
teeth A dog doan' had no truble, neber does q
coon, but natur gives fits 10 de baby. And dis dc
preachers tell me, is on account OBJ dc political
trickery OBJ Adam. Use glad dat he was counted
out OBJ de garden OBJ Eden. Everybody what walks
de flo wild teehin' chile Is q natural enemy to
dat man.-Lile Rock GdSete,
When Farmer Bulge read that bull painted by
Rosa Bonheur sold for S. 900 lie remarked to his
wife that he didn't see how a coat Of paint could
so greatly enhance the value of the animal, but If
Rosa wouldn't charge more than $40 he would get
her to paint his bull in the spring. And his eco
nomical wife replied that she thought he might
paint 1t himself and save his $40. The indica-
lions are now that the bull will be painted.
Tommy was little rogue, whom his mother had
hard work to manage. Their house in the country
was raised few feet from the ground. and Tommy,
to escape well-dcserved whipping, ran from his
mother and crept under the house. Presently the
father came homo, and hearing where the boy had
taken refuge, crept under to bring him out. As he
approached on his hands and knees Tommy
asked: as she afler you, too?'-Bdpist Weekly.
f.. p. n, Bridgowater, Conn-"What is the
meaning of thirty days acceptance and are
there sight acceptanccs?" thlrty:dGys' accept
ance is an order for money accepted, payable
thirty days after date An acceptance Mt sight
we'll you would have seen one of them yesterday
ifyou had been in this office when the waiter
from the Palace Saloon brought us something
on tray with Jules OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES 1ings
They had good deal of trouble in q Montreal
court the other day trying to swear in China
man. He said he believed" in anything; that
he +" no swearee at alice" and he didn't swear on
a saucer When asked If he was Buddhist he
answered: NE no knowee what you say What
you tNlkeo about?" In reply to the question
'What religion do you belong tor he sqid
Estate of Ohio" and was finally sworn by crossing
his hands OH his heart.-Detroh Sunday. School
Gd:ete.
Richard Grant White contributes this reminis-
cence to The Century: " / remember that as | was
walking one day, in my early boyhood, with my
father in Maiden Lane, he pointed out to me O lit
tie shambling, old man, with rumpled white
cravat, hair whittier than his cravat, and
rusty black coat-a very fororn and dole
fullooklng creature. when you are older
my father said, the time will come when you will
remember that you have seen that man: that man
is Aaron Burr"
twas half.past ten o'clock Sunday night. Mr..
and Mrs. Marrowfat had gone to bed, but Julia
and her Theodore still fingered In the parlor. A
profound silence brooded over the house until the
moment came for the lovers to part, and then the
old folks distinctly heard such halfsuppressed ex-
clamations as "Ohp OUGHT" "wow |" Mr. Mar
rOwlat turned toward his wife and, quietly knead-
ing her in the back with his elbow to arouse her
intellect, said "Irs all right Manthy, Julia's
vaccination Is going to take"
De Methodiss, my bruddren, Is like de grass.
hOpper-hoppin', all dc time hoppin-hop into
into heaven, hop out hop into heaven, hop out
But, my bruddren, de Baptlss, when he get to
heaven, he's dar. Do Baptlss is like de possum.
Hunter get iter him he climb de tree ho shake
dc limb, one foot gone; he shake de limb. anuddor
foot gone; lie shake de limb, ebbery foot gone
but tink you, my bruddren, 'possum fall? You
know, my brnddren, You cotch too many--you
know 'possum hang on by de tail, aud de berry
debit can't shake him off.