The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1882-12-30
ALL SORTS.

L
ing bill for England, have already been
presented to Parliament.l People are,
| apparently just as ready to sign petit
tion in England as in America
Talmage once said something to the
effect that we are monkeying around on
the apex of 5000 years. just SO; for, ac-
cording to Darwin, in the language of
| algebra, ape equals the unknown guam
tltes OF evolution.-N. Y. Commercial
Advertiser.
Henry Ward Beecher made his Brook
lyn audience laugh recently by the re-
mark: ''The age Of miracles is not yet
past, as was proved to me this afternoon
by the return of an umbrella which I
left In sleeping-car last week" Why
| didn't he read the whole almanac to
them?
A terrier at Americus, Ga, has for
saken home and taken up his lot with
herd OF goats, confining himself as near
as possible to their habits and customs.
and refusing to associate with other
CANNES. He'll find old tin cans and cir
Gus bills pretty tough kind of food to
get accustomed to.
A man in Alexandria, Va, while drunk
made two attempts to commit suicide by
throwing himself before locomotives. but
was prevented. He was fine1 for lob
structing railroad trains" IF he tried
to make his exit by means of a mules
heels he might have been arrested for
cruelty to animals.
Sometimes we think q highly-organ-
lied thief makes the best newspaper
editor. Or are We the victims of delu-
sion when we find in the columns gof our
esteemed contemporaries original pro-
ductions which we were fortunate
enough TO be first to prinf:.and had fondly
supposed to be our own?-Philadelphia
Record.
An editor once Owned three Hundred
| thousand dollars worth of Railroad stock.
| twenty-One Thousand dollar Govern
ment bonds, six white Shirts, A country
residence on the Hudson, farm in IL
linois, span of Hurses and wagon,
two Suits of Clothes and Plug hat.
This fable Teaches that all the Liars are
Not Dead Yet.
Rumor has it that buckwheat cakes
will be made this season in the form of
billiard balls. This is q concession to
the time-saving idea of the expeditions
American, it being part of the design
| to discharge the spherical buckwheat
concoction for the needy stomach from a
Gattling gun set at the head of the
table, Yongers Gazette.
A nice young man thought he had
found something pure and fresh in the
shape of q laughing little witch of girl
and was on the point OF proposing mar
| riage, when she scattered his fond hopes
to the winds by remarking one evening:
"You hug and kiss me more than any
gentleman am acquainted with, except
Bill Wallace and he is baggage smasher
and only comes here once month"
A few days ago, during O heavy storm.
the Rio Grande river suddenly changed
its course by cutting through a bend
near Camargo, and thus placed several
acres of inhabited territory within the
legal limit of the United States It was
awful severe upon, and nearly drove
crazy, man who had just paid his taxes
in Mexico, and found that the American
tax collector would call in two days.
Som. Journal.
Grandpa. does hens make their own
eggs?" Eyes, indeed they do, Johnnie. y
"And do they always put the yolk in the
middle?" Guess they do, Johnny. -
Sand do they put the starch around it to
keep the yeller from rubbing off?'
"Quite likely my little boy .And
who sews the cover on?" This stumped
the old gentleman, and he barricaded
Johnnie's mouth with q lollipop.
/ John" said the cashiers wife, drop.
ping into the bank in the midst of o
shopping trip, .syou forgot to leave the
money this morning" What name?'
| bod -
"Namei n meP' exclaimed the lady, 81
am your wife," mo doubt, no doubt,
answered the cashier mechanically. and
going on with his writing; ''but you
will have to bring some one to identify
you. Phil. News.
DIR. Mosso of Turin has invented q
machine for measuring thought, which
he calls the "Plethysmograph" One oi
these contrivances was recently left in a
room for several hours with dozen con
verts to the Oscar Wilde craze, and after
their departure it was examined and
found to have not been effected in the
slightest degree, the indicator pointing
at zero. The Plethysmograph, there
fore, may be pronounced great success
Nor. Her.
ssThe salary of a Congressman is 5000
per year, and when he runs in city dis.
trict his expenses Of. election are seldom
less than SIC. 900. He can't save any
thing from his salary, and is strictI,
honest, and without private fortune
will have to borrow money to leave
Washington. Now, then, how do SC
many of them turn ont rich at the end oI
term?' wildly demands the Detroi
Free Press. Just as though the systen
hadn't been explained a hundred times
| A noted physician says that many per.
sons. simply by deep and rapid exhala.
tions of pure air. can become intoxicated
on oxygen as if they had taken draugh
OF alcoholic stimulants. This Is an i'm
portant discovery. but it doesn't cos
enough to make it popular. There
would be no fun In saying: 'sCome
boys, lets go out and take few vigorou.
draughts of fresh air-it's my treat
The temperance problem is not vel
solved.-NorrIstown Herald
Deacon Levi Carter; of New Hampton
10 years OF age, has given his pew IN tho
Freewill Baptist church in that town tt
J the society, for the exclusive use ol
widows. This is very kind in the good
deacon, as it gives the inconsolable ones
! chance to advertise their willingness tc
be consoled; but it's awfully dangerous
to establish such precedent. It viii
get so in time that the church-going
bachelors OF America will be driven
terror-stricken from the sanctuary II
kl,.xa trans are tf, i1a sat m