Connecticut western news., 1882-11-29
FROM THE FUNNY PAPERS.
BATCH OF JOKES PICKED UP THIS
 WEEK.
Bit of OfAdvice-NIaiIing his Letters-A Little
 Coercion, etc.

WEEK.
 A Bit of fAdvice-DIailing his Letters-A Little
 Coercion, etc.
 ARTEMUs WARD TO THE YOUNG LADIES.
 Artemus Ward after delivering lecture once in New London, Conn, was asked by the principal of a young ladies' high school in the place to pay a visit to her institution the next day. He went away like Gan amoosin cuss, and made the girls a speech. While walking to the academy street runaway oc- cured. A terrified horse went tearing over the pavement, with what Artemus called ''the fore quarters" of wagon clattering at his heels. This incident ] Artemus ingeniously utilized in his ad- dress. Said he:
 "The vehicular elopement which has just taken place, young ladies, has fur nished us with timely topic of discourse. Young ladies' seminaries are ever ex- posed to runaways. Once, when travel | ing with my show, came upon female institute. There were ladders, and lads, too, as to that, at every window. Manly perpendiculars carrying fainting hori- zontals to the ground. Fire ? shouted. None of that replied solemn voice from the orchard. There ain't no fire ; these are only young ladies running off with their sweethearts.' There is moral entertainment for man and beast in this runaway. No horse, if attached to 8 wagon, that is, if sincerely attached to 1t, will run away with it :; but the more 8 young man is attached to young wo- man, the more he will run away with her, leaving no trace, in fact, none of the harness, behind Young ladies, since I have stood before your beautiful faces I have lost something, and if you or the boy that sweeps out should find red object looking like a coral breastpin that had been stepped on, you may know il is my poor, busted heart"
 WHY HE DIDN'T MAIL HIS LETTERS.
 The Detroit Free Press says There Is some thing about swing-door which will upset the best-natured man living, unless he hits it just right. All the swing doors at the Detroit Post Office swing outward, but the great majority of Detroiters don't come to realize the fact until late in the spring. Recently a citizen descended from his carriage at the curb stone with two letters in his hand and started to enter the Post Office. Of course, he pushed on the doors when he should have pulled. There wasn't the least doubt in his mind that he was going right in, but he didn't go. His impetus was brought up with such suddenness that he jammed his plug hat clear down to his chin and fell on his knees. When he arose several people were chuckling over his misfortune. He walked directly up to the nearest one and demanded "Is this national holiday ?" q guess rot. , ''Then why is the Post Office closed 9 ''It isn't closed" ''Didnt you see me try to enter?" ''Yes, sir but the doors pull to you" "They do, eh? Is there a sign on them to that effect?" ''No sir" "And why not How am I. to know whether to pull or push ?" "I suppose you must find out" "Ill be hanged if I do! I've got letters here which ought to go west tonight, but l won't mail 'em-no, sir, I won't Those doors might as well push in as to swing out. I never saw doors before which didn't-no, sir, I never did. Let 'em pull themselves clear across the street, for all care-Tve got through! p And he walked out and got into his carriage with the air of a man who had suffered an irreparable injury.
 l PROHIBITION SLEEPING CARS.
 "Have you seen the new style of sleep ing cars p inquired drummer of the conductor.
 ''No, think not, he replied "what are they like?"
 "Well, they differ from any I have yet seen, and I don't think they will be very popular"
 "What are they called?"
 Prohibition cars.
 "Ihats somewhat singular name, thoughtfully unused the ticket taker. "Why are they so called?"
 Because" said the cute commercial traveller, 'they won't have any porter aboard. ."-Ir0Uelers' Magazine. WANTED TO SPLURGE.
 The extraordinarily gifted agent of g minstrel show who was travelling over the Pan Handle route the other day happened to take seat opposite Boston drummer Eoob ,roro n min 1uitb civ diamonds il, fl