The Bossier banner., 1882-06-29
Washington Cranks.

The original crank was probably a usefu
and harmless instrument, but at th.
worst very unlike the modern article, "a
unlike, indeed, as the figure on lieartl
rug and real live Bengal tiger; as un
like as the Widows mite and dynamite; la
unlike as the, coat of arms on an OLE
china plate and a double -barreled shot
gun. see, aF2~59o kis t'sSk 7ias ~
The most popularform of the origina
crank was that which operated the grind
stone. The old crank was used in grind
| ing axes In its modern application
however, the word crank generally sig
mites one who has an ak TO grind, anf
II he doesn't get what he wants isiread,
to turn some one inside out. There arr
cranks by nature and professional cranks
The former is generally, harmless, but
annoying. OF the professionals, how.
ever, there are many who are cranky fol
apurpose, and are no more to be trusted
than is the south end of a mule or tile
weather prophecies of the Signal Office.
/ The tribes of cranks beginowith the
harmless and end with the devilish. Be.
tween these twoiextremes are the funny,
the eccentric, the egotistic, the moral,
the religious and the business crank.
Hundreds of unclassified cranks are met
with in everyday life, butjust as soon as
a person becomes confirmed crank he
can be properly classed under either cne
or the other of the above heads. s. ..
| In Washington, cranks of every class
| and grade are to be met with, from the
harmless, sponging crank, who hangs
around the bar-room, drinking at Others
expense and talks of his claims against
the Government, to the deyilish crank
who thinks the Government owes him a
hYIng on general principles, and wants
to ''remove" the Executive ifhe doesn't
hand it over to him.
To the capital of the Nation peculia,
class OF cranks make periodical pilgrim.
ages for the purpose of reconstructine
the Government. The career of MANY
OF these, however, is cut short by sninetv
days IN Jail or leave town instanter. II
Inc latter alternative is generally ac.
cepted. Ii the crank has ever had a
temporary berth in Government De-
partment given him that he might obtain
the necessary funds for a railroad ticket
home, the taste of Office is too much for
him to withstand, and he is as sure to
turn up again as the traditional bad
penny. hif
Then there are unfortunates through.
out the country whose minds, naturally
not OF the strongest, became SO deraneed
that they imagine the fate of the country
demands of them trip to the capital.
Possibly these weak nortals, in loafino
about the country store, have obtained 3
copy OF the Congressional Record. Thet
read some Congressman's speech on
finance and that exercise generally com.
pletes the job already undertaken by
nature, for it is unsafe for even those 0.
wel-balanced minds to attempt to CLEAN
sense from the average Conaressman's
speech on finance. The highly informed
crank comes to Washington goes i'm.
mIedlately m to the Treasury, Department
and seeks an interview with the Secre.
tary. Having obtained an audience, he
whispers confidentially~ that for a small
consideration -say a CeHectorship4 4he
VIII disclose great secret, whereby the
public debt may be iquidated within,
thirty days, and that, too, without the
slightest inconvenience to the Govern.
ment. 80. saa 4ais3 ,ssf9Es T
Then, there is the fellow who comes
on to take possession of the Executive
mansion, proclaiming himself ..Presi.
dent OF the United States and King OF
HeavensI The mere fact of his CLAIMING
Bob Ingersoll and a white-robed angel
as his devoted and fege subjects in the
same breath, gives him AWAY. and he il /
speedily run in by a saereligious COD"
Again there visits us chap who
claims to be sCommander-in4Chi OF
the United States Armies, - duIycommis-
stoned by George Washington, Thomas
Jefferson or Ethan Allen. He is the he.
nighted individual, who, in his Younger
days, had come to Washington from the
country with the fond hope Of receiving |
a Second Lieutenancy in Uncle Sans |
squad of soldiers, facetiously dubbed
1.-THE army. y Failing to secure his ap-.
pointment he hung about the hotel lob
bies until his cash was gone and his
trousers the worse for wear: was arrested
as vagrant and ordered to leave the
city. Returning to his rural home he
had gone sorrowfully back to feeding
the steers and wedding the onion bed 1
His old dreams of epaulettes, germans
and good, fat salary, however. have
continued to haunt his ambitious mind I
until, alas, the strain became too great.
He becomes maniac on the subject OF
military gold lace and wanders back to
to take command of the
armies.
How much better for this poor youth
had he cast ambition to the winds, re-
mained on the farm at CloYerdale. mar
ried buxom country lass and continued
the happy life of the farmer. -.
A harmless type Of crank is the s.utter''
youth, who may be seen on the avenue
any fine afternoon. What he lacks in
mental capacity he makes up in style.
This is the crank of whom the lamented
Shakespeare spoke when he said, mot
Hercules could have knocked out his
Drains.''
One of Washington S cranks. .sthough
ost to sight to memory dear,'i was the
amented Taehymintis Born in Greece,
Is paradoxical as git may seem he re.
NAMED in grease throughout his hriei
2ut memorable residence in America. I,
IachymntiS was as slipyarv 90 tho |