The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-01-11
Mark Twain and the p,ls rim

Mark Twain, at the celebration Of the
New England Society the other day, Sale:
Il thank you cordially for these kind and
well-deserved compliments paid me, and |
shall ever strive to deserve them. But let us
come dow to business. | now appear be-
fore you as a professor. | have kept still for
years and years-anybody knows that; but |
want 10 ask: What do you want to celebrate
your ancestors? / admit that they were a
hard lot. | refer more particularly to the
Mayhower gang. My friend ON the left here
says that You are not celebrating the Pilgrim
Fathers, but their landing at Plymouth Rock.
thought the first preiext was thin, but this
one is thinner. The first one was gauza, tin
foil, tissue, but this one is gold leaf. What
was there about the landing Of the Pilgrims ?
They had been three or four months at Sc !;
they were all played out and nearly starved;
it was fearful cold and they were nearly
frozen. Why shouldn't they land? If they
hadn't landed there would have been some
reason for q celebration. Now you try to
make out that this simple proceeding was Of
enough importance to be celebrated with
orgies like this. Why, a horse would have
known enough to land! Therefore this fes-
tival is An inconsistency, and it shows what
an irascible, in,ractable tribe the New En
CHAMBERS are. They never agree on anything
but Boston. Those ancestors of yours must
have been a mighty hard lot, for there is Io
a man in this room who will admit that be j.
better than his father or his grandfather.
Such of you as have not been in the Peniten-
tiary-lt such there be-are all better than
were your fathers. You may talk about your
ancestry IS you please, but rs for me | am Ia
border rutfil, IL Missourian by birth, with
Connecticut as my adopted State. have the
morals of Missouri and the culture of Con
~necticut, and that's the combination that
makes the perfect man. Where is my an
cestor, the good Indian Your ancestors
skinned him him alive, and | am an orphan.
Not h drop Of my blood runs in his veins t.
Day, bat | don't object 10 that. They skinned
him alive, Ar ! that's he thought that rank
les. He was "A S n-itlve Indian and his en-
b4rassment before the world must have been
We. Y great. II he had been a bird be Wnnla
have been considered dressed. AS a man he
WAS one OF the most undressed men [ ever
SAW. Later on your ancestors prosecuted
another ancestor of mine, the Quaker. Your
ancestors diln't want any interference wi b
the freedom of worship ia their peculiar
way. The first African brought into New
England as a slave was an ancestor of mine.
| am Of m>ngrel origin. Now, listen to me.
Why do you wish 10 pArpetuate these socie-
ties? | want you to stop right here and dis
baud. Begin by selling Plymouth Rock at
auc ion. In the great wealth Of rocks in
New E 'glani this particular rock would
bring perhaps thirty-fve cents. If you don't
sell it throw it open to the patent medicine
MN. D. something to make a start. On
this table | see water and milk and even the
deadly lemonade. You are Oh the down
ward path. Il II few years you will surely
reach cider. Pause while it is not too late.
But still | have A. high Al opinion Of yol
and your al ce try as | can under the circum.
stances. My grandfather used to say that il
would be hard t. improve On the good old
Ply IN ,utn stock-unless the person were
born IN Missouri.
-~ -
go W. ~.a 4. - a. ~