National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1882-04-15
CRANKY CRANKS.
OUR OWN ASSORTED COLLECTION.

The Cardwrlter. Politician, Exchange Fiend, Thea.
ter.Ticket sharp, the journalistic Fraud,
the Long.IIaired Poet, and
the Foreign Crank.
Sometimes the readers Of THE REPUBLICAN arise
with the roostcrs and come below stairs to catch
the typographical worm only to find that the car
rer has not arrived. In such an emergency the
average citizen is pretty apt to his night.gown
closer around his muscular limbs and ascend sky
ward muttering mortal sins. This is sad and sim
full, but If the average citizen only knew what
moral indignitics were nocturnally suffered by
THE REPUBLICAN staff, instead OF sending his soul
bowling down into perditlon he would thank
heaven that the paper arrived at all. The Presi-
dents House Is usually considered the Mecca of
all cranks, but if its occupant held areporiorial
position this live journal for one short night he
would keel over and expire in nn apoplectc fit,
supernduced by visitations Of bores. news
paper office seems to be the magnet which draws
to itselfthe entire and
VARIED COLLECTION OF CRASKs.
Probably some envious person win say this Is the
result of mutual attraction; but If newspaper
man Is the affinity of n lunatc we may be par
doned in praying that we might never direct
pencil again. The American crank is structure
IA pyramidal cdifce-of which Guiteau Is the
apex and tummas niCo the base but between the
two extremes fingers glorious aggregation of
lunatics too numerous to be counted, aud whom IL
would take q sixteen page supplement to entirely
classify. And they all visit the REPUBLICAN office
at the precise moment when every one is busiest.
The most numerous crank, probably, Is
THE CARD.wRITING CRANK.
He has carried the United States on one shoulder
80 long that he has become lop-sded, and he
generally ambcs In at an angle Of sixty-two de-
grccs. When he comes he brings communication
with him that was originally three.lne double
loaded editorial paragraph in some bucolic jour
nal, but which by complicated system Overdose
redundancy he has succeeded iii spreading over
enough copy to fill df printed) three columns of
solid nonpareil. When the managing editor po-
licly informs him that tho space is limited he
grabs chair, seats himself, and with insnuatng
grace pour into the editorial external auditory
meatus an Argument going to show that his card is
the oUly thing in creation that will save the coun-
try from going Immediately to the "demniion
bow-wows." The interview Is usually ended by
IN assignment to the obituary poet. The next
| crank in point of numbcHis
THE POLITICAL CRANK
His brain is so active that he could evolve
enough gyTations ofgcnius from II In five minutes
| to supply the New York Tribune with patent in
sides for month. He merely comes in 10 make II
suggestion, and It takes bin about three hours to
| o'clock in the morning Is probably the most ex-
| hilarating episode in n journalists career This is
| papurial shrine, and his suggestions may usually
he found in the shape of life insurance advertise
ments in the third column of the fourth page.
THE EXCHANGE FIESD,
however takes the cake. He comes In early in
the morning and stays all day. He usually wants
to see the Bladdertown Vacuum or some other
injured when he finds out that fact, The ex-
change hend Is generally old and bald. headed,
and If he only had pnir of scissors he would be
fingers and tears out from some invidOus eX.
change u four column article. The exact point of
the article Is so covered up under typography that
auently deposits it IN the wicker. We welcome
| the exchange fcnd with brotherly affection
| room above the sauctum. Visitors will be well
coined at all hours of the day or night Then
| comes
THE THEATRE TICKET CRANK.
who imagines that a newspaper man spends his
| whole time in writing thankful notes to man
ayers and press agents for the bushels of dead
head tickets he has received. He most frequently
wenrs tight fitting clothes and receives pleasant
| income from some Department. Some time IN his
mad and wasteful career he has been introduced
| to somebody on the paper. AS the cucumber
will spread It's destructive vines from the germina
ton Of harmless seed, that introduction paves
the way for more borcsOme visitatons than sane
man could imagine. The theatre ticket seeker
comes in the morning TO get matinee tickets; he
comes in the afternoon to secure seats for the even
|
sion for the next day. To say his name Is legion
would be the baldest atery, and to say he got the
tickets would be balder.
THE JOURNALISTIC CRANK
Is not as numerous as the Others, but he makes ur
in quality what he lacks In quantity. Heis usually
full of rum aud ideas, and he gives the staf the
windy benefit of both. The general impression Il
that his Ideas nre bad and his rum is worse bu
nothing dnunted he boards the lion in his den, and
the lion heartily wishes that his den was in the
very heart of the most impcnetrable jungle tina
ever Africa Stanley lied about. He getsred out a
regularly the gus. lamps are lighted, which isn't
when they should be- Just thessame; but the very
next evening he returns loaded down with new
ideas and newer rum, and prohablya little Bibli'
cal quotation, knowing that "naught so much the
spirit calms as rum and true religion" He has eithe
just come from private chat with the President
or from one of the Presidents most intimate
| friends, who has just had private chat with him
and he clearly defines the Administrations polio!
| upon every subject under the sun. Our reader
usually soc the policyas defined by him In double
loaded display ON the first page.
THE GREATEST CRANK
of all the visiting cranks, however, is the ioreigI
| crank. He has been in the country five months
has had his watch stolen, and suffered various
other indignties, and he invariably comes in 70
the sole purpose of damniug this great Republic
His dctioh Is elegant and his pronunciation per
Feathers nv fsom the outraged bird of freedom
would send angry blood rushing in torrents
through the heart of Rlchcleu Robinson. lie i
almost always handed over 10 the obituary poet
as the card writing crank is, but from the won
derful manner in which he RECEIVERS and reap
pears one gains the idea that he Is composr'
wholly of pair Of lungs and dozen galvuni
batteries. No matter how much our paten
bouncer may lacGrate his tiesh and feelings h
bObs up serenely the very next night, iorgiyin
and verbose. There are armies of other cranks-
the crank who wants an Office and the crank VIII
has the Office and wants to get PERSONAL Tn
crank
WHO RELIEVES HIMSELF POET
and helps stock the waste ket, aud the Gran
who has no particular avocation save that of
bore and who merely drops in to ply his Nyoca
tOn. The cranks are as varied in color MS be
of panses-old men with white faces young me
with healthy compilations, saddle 'cOlorcd indl
viduals, and black -bgowed genuses. We are al
ways glad to see them, and If they would onl
come down every Saturday night and bring thei
families communications, and ideas and sugges
q tions with them we would chcerfully give up tn
sanctum for Il reunion.
4
G Indians want HOmcsteads.
In rnsnnnsn 10 mn nlIlnnl eltnr of Gnnnrnl JnSen