The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1882-02-02
THE NATIONAL CAPITAL.
The spoopendyke Family Have q Few wsrds
Upon the Matter Of Expert Testimsay.

my deal" said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she
wiped the corner of the baby's month"; and curled
| up roll on top of its head, "why don't you go
and be an expert I"
expert at whatir demanded Mr.. Spsopen-
dyke, dropping his paper. ''what kind of an
expertf
| Court and yells right ont what he thinks Of
| hypothetical questions and heads, and knows by
| the almanac just when man is crazy and when
| he isn't"
Anything particular the matter with your
| head, this tripf roared Mr.. SpOopendyke
"Been reading some old cook book latelyi
| What're You talking about What dress pat
| tern have you got hold of now Y
81 was reading about Guiteau," replied Mrs.
| Spoopendyke, "and thought how much better
it must be to be an expert than to know any
thing about the ease. That's why asked. If
a man knows anything, they always prove that
he don't, but if he is an expert, he just swcars
that the man who bothers him is crazy, and that
settles it,"
~ suppose You think have had much ex-
perience in idiocy at home, that could make
fortune as expert sputtered Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. 81 tell yOu, they are all intelligent men.
They make up their minds, and swear to their
opinions, according to law. When the revised
statutes at large provide for me as an expert, as
they provide for idiots, lunatics, habitual drunk
ards, and married women, I'll 20 into the bust
ness :" and Mr.. Spoopendyke winked Mt himself
triumphantly as he thought over the last shot.
IL,
Indignantly, eff the revised statutes provide in
that way, they ought to be shut up. They've
no business at large. didn't know that these
experts were legalized. j supposed they inst
went there to help their friends along
NO they don't. either! retorted Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke They go TO swear whether the man is
insane or mott
But what do they want to drown him forr
argued Mrs. Spoopendyke. There they were
ali talking at once, and getting along pleas
all If Mr. parlt and
Col. Corker and Mr.. Savage threw Mr. Guitean
in the dock
drown your grandmother's hind leg ~ howled
Mr. Spoopendyke. what dye think law
dock is Got n notion it's measly pond with
green skum on top of il 'Spose it's two inch
mud puddle with fence around it, and a Con-
gressional appropriation to make il navigablef
It's pen. l tell We, rallied off pen in the Court
room, where they put prisoners. Guiteau both
cred the experts so they had to put him in the
pen. Think you understand il nowf
"Of course, assented Mrs. Spoopendyke; "but
why don't they put Mr.. Scovills and Mr.. Reed
there, tool They are trying to bother the eI-
perts, Just as much as Guiteau did, They won't
let the poor men alone
"Don't Won know the difference between q
lawyer and n criminalf' ripped Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke; cor is that too fine a distinction for You
Reed and Scoviile are defending Guiteau. Por-
ter and Corkhill aud Davidge are prosecuting
him. But it's no use to explain anything TO
you"
81 understand that much,' returned Mrs.
Spoopcndyke; 'but / don't understand what
Judge Cox means by going into the lawyers.
and overriding their questions. The first he
knows, the experts will swear that he is an
asymmetrical and then he'll he put in the dock
with Guiteau, where it will 90 hard with him.
tell you, a Judge can't be too careful how he
Behaves and Mrs. Spoopendyke pinned the ba-
by's skirts around its legs, and smoothed ont Its
dress.
"Uor ~ yelled Mr. Spoependyke, unable for
an instant TO throw his feelings into any coher-
ent form of speech. you've struck it! You're
a whole barrel of canned judiciary! All you
want now is a red label on your back and some
marginal notes to be dod gasted law library!
II you'd change assistants once month, and
win your cases during one term of Office, you'd
only need three deodands and plug hat TO be
district attorney. You've got the idea There's
nothing more TO be said on either side. Give
you a black petticoat with sleeves to it, and
wart on your nose, and you'd only want res
taurant in the basement and a lounge up stairs
to be a United States Supreme Court! What
dive think a Judge is fort A substituted Think
he sits around TO ease the prisoner, turn and
turn about ? Got some kind of idea that he
is a dod gasted work on etiquette, with notified
leaves and yellow binding, and Tommy from
Fanny on the tyf tell you, he presides. And
anybody but a half-wittted woman, who didn't
think with her heels and reason with the rat
holes next door, wouldn't need to be told of it
more times than she makes measly idiot Of her
self
..If he presides. it is all right rejoined Mrs.
Spoopendyke. with sigh of relief; '.but got
the idea that he went there to feel the public
sentiment and then say those were his views,
and that he was only helping the prosecution to
see the error Of Guitcaus ways before his con-
duct was snapped up and used against him.
Mr.. Spoopendyke drew of his clothing SOL
EMMY, fired the pieces into different corners,
and waded INFO bed with the stern reflection
that '.some people only needed side whiskers
aud book full Of bad lectures on repealed
statutes to be n modern law school,
~ don't care muttered Mr.. Spoopendyke.
al like those experts, and l wish my husband
would go into the business. They may not hang
Guiteal, but they'll find the jury insane, and
Mr. Porter will have to look mp some other KIND
of n Job, for this trial can't last forever
With which satisfactory solution of the nation
al complication, Mrs. Spoopendyke undressed
the baby, dropping the pins where Mr. Spoop-
epdyke would be sure to find them the moment
he stepped out of the bed lin the morning
BrookisR Eagle.