davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

An undergraduate, under examina-
ton at London, was missi0g question
after question. At last the examiner
got irritated, and said: az declare, I've
got dog at home that could answer
the questions that have been given to
you" Have you really, sir ?' said the
undergraduate, blandly. "May I ask
if you would sell him %
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
A little pirl nassino tho Woohippto,

A little girl passing the Washington
statue lately, asked lady who was
with her if Washington was buried
there. NO." said the lady. "Where
is he buried?" asked the little girl, 81
don't know" said the lady. "Then I
guess you don'tread your Bible much"
said little innocent.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
TWENTY YEARS 4 SUFFERER

R. '. PIERCE, NJ. D., Buffalo, n. Y: Dear
Sir-Twenty years ago was shipwrecked on the
Atlantic Ocean, and the cold and exposure caused
a large abscess TO form on each leg, which kept
continually discharging. After spending hun
dreds of dollars, with no benefit, I tried your
Golden Medical Discovery" and now. in less
than three months after taking the first bottle. l
am thankful to say l am completely cured, and
for the first time in ten years can put my left heel
to the ground. I am yours,
WILLIAM RYDER.
La O. d. y
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
81 Jefferson St.. Buffalo \.

A man in Omaha blew on lung
tester, and broke it all to smithereens.
And the owner of the machine gazed al
him sadly and said: eff I'd known you
were a Chicago drummer, I'd have seen
you in hades before I'd let you at that
machine"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

draught capacity the humber, but reallymore
useful, wOrk-horSe. Many things have conspircd
TO effect this desirable end, chief among which
have been the Intelligent care and consideration
bestowed upon the animal in his every relation
in word, upon the breeding. And this has
of the old methods of treatment, doing away, in
many cases with the inhuman and really savage
plans pursued in the eradication of even simple
disorders and ailments, and substituting rational
measures of relief instead. A prominent factor
of this reform, and one Endorsed by ownCrs,
breeders. farmers and stOckmCn the country over,
is ST. JACOBS OIL, recognized by all who have
used it as an exceptionally good remedy for the
ailments of the horse and stock generally meet
ing more indications for its use and cflccting far
better results than any article of curative or
remedial nature ever introduced. Such breeders
ana horsemen as AriStidCs NClch, Esq, of Erlen-
helm, near Philadelphia; Mike Goodin, ESQ.,
belmont Park, Pa; Calvin NJ. Priest formerly in
charge OF Mr.; Robert BOnner's stock, New York;
and thousands of others throughout The country
who could be named, are on the list of unUu0ii,
led endorsers the efficacy of ST JACOBS or.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

A lady who lectured in Deadwood on
"Esthetic Culture" was astonished at
the immense crowd that turned out
until she learned that the people sup
posed that "Esthetic Culture" was some
kind of new mixed drink.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

HOMEOPATHIC Family MedicineCases
and books, giving concise directions for
treating all common ailments, are a
great comfort and a positive saving in
every household. The best assortment
OF all styles and prices is found at
boerlcke & Tafers Homeopathic Phar-
macy, 50 Clark St., Chicago. Descrip-
tive Price Currents gratis. Business
established in 1885.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

1t was the wife of President James
Madison, who gave young woman the
excellent advice: "Give your appear
ance careful and serious thought in
your dressing-room, and forget it else
WHERE
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
An Enthusiastic Endorsement.

GoRHAM n. H., July a. 1879.
GENTs-Whoever you are, don't know; but
thank the Lord and feel grateful to you to know
that in this world of adulterated medicines there
is one compound that proves and does all it ad-
vertises to do, and more Four years ago L had a
slight shock of palsy, which unnerved me to such
an extent that the least excitement would make
me shake like the ague. Last May was induced
to try Hop Bitters. L used one bottle, but did
not see any change; another did so change my
nerves that they are now as steady as they ever
were. 1t used to take both hands to write, but
now my good right hand writes this. Now, if
you continue to manufacture as honest and good
an article as you Go, you will accumulate an
honest fortune and confer the greatest blessing
ON your fellow-men that was ever conferred on
mankind TIM BURCH
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

Natural petroleum, deprived of its color and
disagreeable odor without distillaton and the aid
of acids or alkalies, is what the Carboire is made
from. As now improved and perfected it is a
beautiful preparation, and performs all that is
claimed for il as a hair restorer.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

The papers tell of a courtship and
marriage brought about by note writ
ten on an egg-shell. 1t is the most
eggs-traordinary affair. The two hearts
are now yolked together.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

James Morgan, East Water ST., NIL
waukee, has the largest and most beau
tiful stock of Embroideries, Ladies
Muslin Skirts, Nightgowns, Drawers,
etc. in the northwest.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

In the stone floor of the Grafton, W.
Va, court house vestibule is the word
"Justice," in large letters. An old res
ident who had just lost suit was
walking out of the building sadly, and
with eyes cast down. Seeing the let
tiers in the floor, he halted, uncovered
his head, and spoke: Justice, l knew
you were dead, but didn't know where
you were buried until now"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
One touch of humor makes the whole
world grin.

R. R. BEARDsLEE Druggist of Odessa, Mo-
have handled Piso's Cure for years, and am
never afraid 10 recommend it."
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

ce's" Pleasant Purgative Pellets" and are exten-
slyely initiated. They cure sick and bilious head
ache. Private Government stamp with DR.. Pierce:
signature and portrait mark the genuine. By
druggists.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

SIS your father a Christian ?'' said a
gentleman to little boy on one occa-
sion. eyes, sir" said the little boy
but / believe he has not worked much
at it lately"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

The phrenclogist is the man who
cannot do his work well unless he feels
RIGHT
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
TONY Pastor in Trouble.

Tony Pastor, of New York, who is
now with his inimitable variety combi-
nation, making tour of the principal
cities Of the Union is recognized as the
leading character vocalist and variety
performer of the United States. He
owns and runs a first-class theatre on
Broadway, New York City, and has
gathered about him the best troupe of
variety artists that could be obtained.
The company has just completed a
brilliant engagement at the Walnut
Street Theatre, Philadelph ia, and after
the present tour they will reappear in
Tony Pastors own theatre in New York
City. Mr.. Pastor is the originator of
his peculiar school of character singing,
and has made himself immensely pop
ular, having realized by his talents a
large fortune.
The writer of this article met Mr..
Pastor recently at the Bingham house,
in Philadelphia, and found him as
genial in private as he is amusing be-
fore the public. During our conversation
[ inquired as to his physical health,
and he replied that, Notwithstanding
the strain upon him in the discharge CT
his professional duties it was excellent
He had occasionally severe pains, either
the result of rheumatic attacks or colds,
but any complaints of that character
never troubled HIM long, as he had
found out a remedy for all such an
noying affections. / asked him what
the remedy was, and he replied, 'sSt.
Jacobs Oil" / then learned from Mr..
Pastor that he considered the Great
German Remedy an excellent prepare
ton for the cure or relief of rheuma-
tlsm, and that it was about the only
thing used among professional people
for that distressing complaint. He
took bottles of it with him whenever he
went travelling, and would not be with
out it, and knew that it was very pop
ular with a number of members of his
own company. A conversation held
subsequently with various members of
the organization revealed the fact that
st. Jacobs Oil had been performing m ost
Invaluable service for them in the way
of curing them of rheumatism. Near
ly every artist in the troupe used it,
and was enthusiastic in its praise, and
the writer was really forced to the con-
clusion that Tony Pastor was certainly
in luck in having so valuable an article
known and employed by his inimitably
good company of performers. for it
enabled every one to be always in his
place, thus insuring comfort to the
management and genuine satisfaction
to the public. Tony Pastor would GER
tainly be IL trouble without st. Jacobs
Oil. At least, other managers whose
artists have been temporarily unsup-
piled, have noticed the difference be-
tween St. Jacobs Oil in stock and st.
Jacobs Oil out of stock-among the
members of their comparatively. Y.
Clipper.
In the island of Borneo no young
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

Some one has discovered that "Lord
Nelson omitted to wash his hands for
the space of eight years" He must
have had some very important business
son hand" all those years, and didn't
want to wash it off.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09
Public Debt Statement.

WASHINGTON, Feb. 1.-The following
is the public debt statement for the
month ending January 81, 1882:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

The budget of the German empire
shows deficit of 1926 900. They must
have bank cashiers over there.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-02-09

In the island of Borneo no young
man is allowed to pay his respects to a
maiden unless he has taken off the
head of one or more of his enemies.
We want to hire some young Rorneans,
ambitious to marry, to come to Oil
City to see the men who continually
paralyze us with the remark: 'This is
pretty nice weather for this time of the
vear."-OH Citu Derrick.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25

THE HOUSEHOLD.

Vinegar will remove the diagreeable
odor of kerosene from tin ware.
Powdered borax is an excellent
medicine for catarrhal troubles or cold
in the head. 1t is to be inhaled.
An occasional feed of hard boiled
eggs made fine and mixed with cracker
crumbs is good food for canary birds.
Feed a couple of thimblefuls at time.
When a particle Of dust or small
speck of any kind is lodged in the eye,
to remove it take a grain Of haxseed
and insert it under the Ii. 1t becomes
glutnous almost instantly, and draws
all dust or cause of annoyance to the
corner of the eye, where it may easily
be removed.
II it is possible to give up small
room, with IA bed in it, for the purpose
of storing bed clothes it is good plan
to do SO. Have shelves made to hold
Them have them made of narrow
strips of wood with wide spaces be-
tween them. If this is done you need
not be afraid of them gathering damp
ness. To effectually protect them from
the dust you can hang curtains over
them this can be done over any shelves
in closets and will be found useful.
In the open and garnished CRATES left
empty of wood or Goals by the spring
house cleaning, place large furling fans
of gilt paper, yard or more across,
for the screens, instead of the Japanese
parasol, which has become rather tire
some. There are some ferns that will
grow in these llreplaces, but the fans
are more convenient for the half empty
houses on their summer footing. The
pretty new rolling shades of line bam-
BOO are, of all things, desirable for sum-
mer window curtains. Peacock blue
for mating comes for the center Of the
floor or to make cool dado round tie
wall Some new wall papers initiate
the mating colOrs and textures to per-
fection. They give a cool effect to the
room.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25
The Murphys.

Cleveland Advance
A freckleface girl stopped at the
pOstofllce the other day and yelled out:
"Anything for the Murphys?"
mo, there is not"
Anything for Jane Murphy?"
Nothing"
Anything for Ann Murphy?'
"No."
Anything for Tom Murphy"
mo, sir"
Anything for Bob Murphyp"
mo, sir; not "A bit"
Anything for Terry Murphy?"
"No; nor for Pat Murphy. nor Den
mis- Murphy, nor Pete Murphy, ror
Paul Murphy, nor any Murphy, dead,
living, unborn, native or foreign,
civilized or unclvilized, savage or bar
barous, male or female, black or white,
franchised or disfranchised, naturalized
or otherwise. No, sir; there is posi-
lively nothing for any of the Murphys,
either Individually, jointly, severallv,
now and forever, one and INSOFAR
able"
The girl looked at the postmaster in
establishment, and said:
please to look if there is anything
for Clarence Murphyf'
This is but a fair sample Of the
questions asked at the postoflice when
school Is out.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25

such nature as to render life a burden
to the animals, we kill them in the
most humane manner, generally by
chlOroform.
"This dog" remarked the doctor. in
conclusion, as he "corked" up the
opening in the animals stomach, is
the only one upon which the operation
was successfully performed, although
several have tried it"
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25
Mrs. Dainty and Horse Talk.
Burlington Hawkeye.

Burlington HaWkeye
Mrs. Laura Dainty was reading out
in Missouri, and at one of the recep-
tions which frequently follow her
readings, gentleman was present who
was able to talk horse very fuently,
but couldn't talk anything else. Not
being able to talk much horse, the lit
tie lady was puzzled how to entertain
their guest. until he casually mentioned
that he formerly lived in "a certain
Michigan city. "Oh, yes" she ex-
claimed, 81 read there only "a few even.
ings ago and had most charming
audience" Then she added: They
have a fine course there" And he, de-
lighted to find woman who knew
something, enthusiastically replied:
Eyes. they have as nice a mile track as
there is in the state" The subsequent
silence cast gloom over the entire
company.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25

The city Of TeXarkana is phenom-
email city. H. lies in the two states OF
The state line runs through the center
OF its chief street, and on each side is
"A population Of three thousand. 1t g
considered the gateway of the south
west 1t is only eight years Old, hut
has all the airs of city of twenty i've
years. Four railroad lines center there.
1t has an Italian like climate, tramps
are not tolerated, the Sunday law is
enforced, money is plenty, and the peo'
pie are prosperous.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25
A Great English Lawyer.
New York Sun.

New YORK Sun.
Sergeant Ballantine, whose two vol
umes of "reminiscences of fifty years are
the last literary sensation of London,
has marked physical traits. In form
and stature he somewhat resembles
Disraeli, holding himself, up to the last
few years, erect as did the late tory
leader, and like him wearing a jaunty
Old beau hat, always bright bOuton-
Mere. loud necktie and coat of striking
color. His eyes are dark and dull of
expression, and lie has sallow com.
plexiOn, with an abundance of hair
which he has the secret Of keeping of
"a chestnut hue. LATELY he has pro-
nounced stocp from that rather licen-
,ious living which has been the barrier
to his elevation TO the bench. He was
in the habit few years since of pass.
ing the summers among the German
watering places, with M. Labouchere
and his wife, then Miss Harriet Hod-
son, and Mrs. Brown. whom he dis
honored with his affections. He and
LaboucheIe have since become bitter
enemies. AS an advocate his style is
marked by terse incision and lucid
statement of facts, with closeness an
vigor of their application. He eschews
all glitter and histrionic method. which
is now out of fashion at the Englis h
bar. His practice of late years has
been more as consulting counsel In
chambers than in pleading, and though
lucrative, his private habits have been
SO liberal that it was said, when he re
ceived ten thousand guinea fec fOl
going TO India, it was the largest sum
he could ever call his own. He dropped
heavy slice Of it at Monaco on hit
way home. No sergeant has been ap
pointed in twenty-five years. The
order dies with Ballantine. OF tht
New York bar the late John Var
Buren came nearest to him in type
Like him he is stronger in practica
sense than in black letter law. Hi
son Walter is married to The widow o
the late William Mitchell, a well-knOwl
NJ. p, whose figure was constantly seel
of nights on the Haymarket. She wa
barmald when he married her, an'
six months after the wedding he die,
leaving her a million sterling.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25
The Man Who Gives Advice.
Texas Siftings.

The Man Who Gives Advice.
Texas slfungs.
The man who gives advice is the
most numerous m3n in this St@r-
spangled and star-rOute country. He
is to he found in the brown-stOne pal
aces of the rich and in the log cabin
home Of the poor. Silver and gold he
may be destitute of, but in the matter
of advice he is bloated capitalist; a
cornucopia replete with sage counsel; (;
an exhorter dropsical with wise sug
gestions; Magnus-Apollo plethoric
with Oracular admOnitioDs.
In the bestowal of advice he is the
most generous of men, is prOdigaI to a
fault, and will deal his advice out in
large chunks ungrudgingiy to those
who ask for it, and he is equally liberal
to those who do not ask for it, and do
not want it. He will force it on those
who have advice of their own to spare
and who really do not need any of his
He sometimes sends whole cords of ii
by mail to those of his friends whom
he cannot reach other wise. The more
he gives away the more he seems to
have n hand. His apparently waste
full prodigalty only seeDs to increase
his stock. He keeps on hand ga large
and well assorted stock" of advice
which he is prepared to dispose of,
wholesale or retail, in lots to suit, and
regardless Of cost; city delivery free.
A good deal of his stock is shop worn
!. . and secondhand, but he fatters him.
oil hct hn 10 fDr
while his victims cannot growl as the
thing is free. There are few subjects
on which he cannot offer advice OF
some kind or other. 1t may not bt
suitable, but as he does not use any o
. it himself he can afford to squander il
=, whenever opportunity presents itself
u He is always 'long" on advice, an(
! acts as if all his acquaintances wer,
short" He begins his drivel by suct
), phrases as: If l may be allowed t.
- suggest Take my word for it, 81
. you take my advice" etc., etc. Their
: IS no matter too ponderous for him L
- offer advice on. He will tell you how
- TO cure cold or run saw-mill; hOv
= to pare a corn or plant ouiOns; an,
:" how to clean spotted gloves or harmC
20 nize the party. Very often whe-4 h
y has job lot of really good advice O
-; hand, he will give it away, utterly OF
! livi0us of the fact that he needs
u himself.
: One Of the finest opportunities tn
- man who gives advice ever has, is whe
= !, milk-man's horse balks on the stree
= His advice in such cases is abundar
20 " in quantity and variety. He will stan
- on the sidewalk with his hands in hi
y, pockets, and suggest putting sand
" the horses ears. tying knot in h
y, tail, backing him round the blOcl
~ reading one Of Oscar Wilde's poems
- him, and will continue to give sue
inclement advice until the milk ma
~ becomes exasperated and swaps son
~ advice with him, advising him 10 s
:! home and attend to his own -- bus
80 ness. That is II class Of advice tn
49, he cannot take, for the reason IN It mt
~ of his stamp seldom have got al
= business.
=, 80 The man who gives advice, unless
~ uives it 10y request, is Il nuisance al
ro should be suppressed by law.
I'll
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25
The Clerk Who Knows Everything.

Hotel Gazette.
A newly arrived and singularly as
sorted courle at the Fifth Avenue no.
tel, New York, consisting Of London
er and an out-and-out American West
ern man, stood watching the throng of
people coming and going at the marble
counter the other evening, and listep-
ing with surprise to the endless mum
Der of quick questions made to the hO-
tel clerk about trains, rooms and indi-
viduals, and his instantaneous replies,
when the Englishman broke out with:
"Most extraordinary man; seems to
know everybody and everything-won-
der If there is any question about
railway train or any person he can't
answer?"
"rll bet half dozen champagne I'll
put him question about train he
can't answer" said the Westerner.
Done! I'll stand six 70 see him go
to grass" said her majesty's subject.
"Well, here goes, then" and Western
stepped up to the marble counter.
Say! You appear TO know every
thing and everybody; who is there
that's going to HI, and whenll the
train start?"
Charles j. Guiteau; starts June
30th, sir" replied the clerk, looking
the querist right in the eye without
moving a muscle.
"Wtll. | reckon yOa are about right
but you can't tell me where | Can 60
and get ticket, can you?'
'GO to the devil!' said the clerk
turning away.
"Mster," said the Western guest
looking over to the blonde bookkeeper
after the laughter had subsided, "yo,
can charge six bottles Of 'Fiz' in ny
hill for the use OF them gentlemen, TO
| must weaken on this bet-ir5 agiI
; me-" He withdrew, and the clerl
kept answering questions about othe
familiar routes with perfect equanim
ity.
Cheyenne transporter. [volume] (Darlington, Indian Terr.) 1879-1886, 1882-06-25

A woman recently died vt Kinsman
Trumbul county, o., from snake poison
contracted by washing a blanket in which
a boa constructor, belonging to circus,
had died.
Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1882-11-02
FOREIGN NEWS

The Porte is alarmed at the departure of
lord Dulferin for Egypt, and has asked Lord
Granville to order that it be delayed.
Anti-Jewish riots occurred Yesterday in
Co.'s and Wieselburg, Austria. A woman
was shot and several houses were plundercd.
The Pope has thanked the Queen of En-
gland for the protection afforded Chatholics
III her dominons, and has likewise sent her
presents.
Alta meeting ofthe Longfellow Memorial
Committee in London yesterday it was re-
solved that bust of the dead poet be placed
i'll the Poets Corner in Westminster Abbey.
y collision between the people and the 20
lice occurred at Ncwbridge, county Galway,
Ireland, yesterday. owing to the arrest of
one Matthew Harris: speaker at public
meeting.
The belief is current that the Russians
are preparing to march to Erzeroum and
Van. Turkish troops are concentrated at
Van, and four more batteries have been Or
dered thitller. The town of Bitlis, sixty
miles west of Van, has been destroyed by
fire