Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1882-11-29
AWiLLIAMSES BURGLAR ALARM,
Marx Twain in the Christmas Harper's

Mark Twain in the Christmas Harper's
The conversation drifted smoothly and
Pleasantly along from weather to crops. from
crops to literature. from literature to scandal.
from scandal 70 religion, then took random
Jump, and landed on the subject Of burglar
alarms. And now for the first time Mr. Nc
Williams showed feeling. Whenever I per-
ceiYe this sign on this mans dial 1 COM
prelend it, and lapse into silence, and give
him opportunity to unload his heart. Said he,
with but Uncontrolled emotion:
Il DO not 20 one single cent on burglar
alarms. MIR. Twain-n% a single cent-and |
VIII tell you why. When we were finishing our
house we found we had a little cash left over ON
account of the plumber not knowing it. l was
Tor eniightening the heather with it, for | was
always unaccouDtably down on the heather
somehow; but Mrs. McWilams said no. let's
nave burglar alarm. / agreed to this compro-
mise. Will explain that whenever / want O
thing, and Mrs. McWilliams wants another
thing. and We decide upon the thing that Mrs.
Mchilllams wants-as We always do-she calls
that compromise. Very well; the man came
up from New York and put in the alarm, and
charged 1925 for it. and said we could sleep
without uneasiness now So we did for
a while-say a month. Then one night we
smelied smoke, and | was advised to get ND
and see what the matter was. / lit candle
and started toward the stairs and met q bur-
giaf coming out of room with basket of tin
ware, which he had mistaken for solid silver i'm
the dark HeWas smoking apipe. l said. My
friend, We do not allow smoking in this room,''
He said he was stranger, and could not be ex-
pected to know the rules Of the house, said he
mad been in many houses just as good as this
one, ana 1t had never been objected to before.
He added that as far as his experience went.
such rules had never been considered to apuiv to
burglars. ANYWAY
Il said: Smoke along. then, if it is the Gus
tom. though / think that the concedine of a
privilege to a burglar which il denied to bish
op is conspicuous sign of the looseness of the
times. But waving all that, what business have
you TO be entering this house in this furtiye
and clandestine way, without ringing the burg
lar alarm!'
HE looked confused and ashamed and said
with embarrassment: Il beg a thousand par-
dons. did not know you had a burglar alarm
else would have rung 1t. / beg Won will NOT
mention it where my parents may hear of it. for
they are old and feeble. and such a seemingly
wanton breach Of the hallowed conyentjonalities
OF our Christian civilization might all too rudely
sunder the fral bridge which hangs darkIinS
between the pale and eyanescent present and
the solemn great deeps of the eternities Nav
trouble You for match:'
IL said: Your sentiments do you honor. but
II you VIII allow me to say it. metaphor is not
your best hold. Spare your thigh; this kind
light only on the box. and seldom there: in fact.
my experience may be trusted. But to return
TO business; how did you get in here?'
Through sec0nd-story window
ut was even so. / redeemed the tinware at
pawnbroher's rates, less cost of advertising.
babe the burglar goodnight, closed the window
after him and retired to headquarters to report.
Next morning we sent for the burglar-alarm
man, and he came up and explained that the
reason the alarm did not $50 Off was that no
part of the house but the first floor was attached
to the alarm. This was simply idiotic: one
might as we'll have no armor at all in battle no
to have it only on his legs. The expert now mt
the whole second story on the alarm. CHARGED
$500 for 1t, and went his way By-and-by- one
night, found burglar In the third story abont
to start down ladder with lot of misceIlane.
Gus property. My first impulse was to craek
his head with billiard cue; but nv second was
to refrain from this attention, because he was
between me and the cue rack The second i'm
pulse was plainly the soundest, 90 refrained
and proceeded to compromise. redeemed the
property at former rates. after deducting 10 ner
cent for use OF ladder, 1t being my ladder. and
next day we sent downfOr the expert once more.
and had the third story attached to the alarm,
for $500.
''By this time the 'annuncator' had grown 70
formidable dimensions. 1t had fOrty-seyen taps
on 1t, marked with the names of various rooms
and chimneys, and 1t occupied the SPACE of an
ordinary wardrobe. The gong was the size of
q wash-bowl, and was placed above the head of
our bed. There was wire from the house to
the coachman's quarters In the stable. and a
noble gong alongside his pillow.
1--WE should have been comfortable now but
Tor one defect. Every morning e 5 thu cook