Democratic messenger. [volume] (Snow Hill, Md.) 1869-1973, 1882-12-30
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
WHAT THEY HAVE TO sAYTHIs WEEK.
Why He Paid-SOmcthing i'm the Bed-The
Cheese Show-Allspice, Etc.
TROUBLES OF AN ELEcToR.

TROUBLES OF AN ELECToR.
The Local Option bill was carried in
Hartford County, Nd, at the recent cleo
ton. Old Uncle Dennis, colored in
dividual, came IN to see us one morning
soon afterward, looking as if he had
been sent for and couldn't go. Whats
the matter, Uncle Dennis?" Else all
all broke up" sighed the old man, as he
seated himself and deposited his beaver
between his feet. de fac am, / dun
went to de lection an Ise felt wrong eb
ber since" 'What's wrong?" we asked
again. III tell yer, chile. | sorter
had my mind made up fore | went bout
dis Lopal Auction. | went dar, and fore
| dun voted long cum a nice looking
man, persactly like a preacher, an says
he. Is you for Lopal Auction?' Says |,
i is. My mudder an granmudder war
Lopal Auction men, an so is [. Den
he up, an says he, Take dat, fer Lopal
Auction, an he give me one ON de nose.
Dat settled me; | changed my mind, an
when dey was ruff looking chap Gums
up an axed me, Is you fer Lopal Auc-
ton 2 Says I, L amt, l nebber was,
an nebber shall be, my mudder an
wild dat he stopped me. Says he, 'Neb-
Der mind your mudder, take dis fer de
causr of temperance. an wifi da, he made
me see mo stars dan | ebber hern oh.
Now | ax is du any udder party? kase
if dar am, I'm gwine ter jine it.
DEFICIENCIES IN A CHEESE SHOW.
Now, if cheese could dance a double
clog dance and get of conundrums and
laugh at them, it would be different. If
lot of cheeses could be arranged in a
scmi-circle, with lend cheeses," and
each cheese could sing song or tell an
old story ike the back number of mig
ger show, and some of the cheeses could
dress up like females and then turn back
somersaults, we might turn out and
patroniZe the show and buy seats several
days i'll advance Or, if firkin of butter
could play Hamlet and another tirkin
could play "Ophelia, which we are sure
butter could do as well as some of those
human beings do. who attempt it, it
would be novelty that would draw and
fill the exposition. To see firkin of
butter come ON to the stage i'll black
tights, aAd have an interview with another
firkin as the ''ghost, would take the cake,
Int they do not attempt such amusement.
They are only plain, unvarnished butter.
If the J rrsey heifer on exhibition could
play a society play. or sing in the opera,
and the heifer was properly advertised
as having firted with an imported steer.
the heifer would draw well, no doubt
Pcck'S SIN.
SOMETHING IN THE BED.
Judge Pitman has habit of slipping
his watch under his pillow when he goes
to bed. One night somehow it slipped
down, and as the Judge was restless it
worked its way down toward the foot of
the bed. After bit, while he was lying
awake. his foot touched it; it felt very
cold; he was surprised scared, and Jump
ing from the bed he said:
MY gracious, Maria, there's toad
or something under the covers. / touched
it with my foot
Mrs. Pitman gave loud scream and
was ON the floor in an instant.
Now, don't go to hollering and
waking up the neighbors," said the
Judge. "You get broom or something
and we'll fix the thing mighty quick"
Mrs. Pitman got the broom and gave
it to the Judge, with the remark that she
felt as though snakes were creeping up
and down her legs and back
"Oh, nonsense, Maria Now turn
down the covers slowly while hold the
broom and bang it. Put bucket of
water alongside of the bed so that we
can shsve it in and drown it..
Mrs. Pitman fixed the bucket and
gently removed the covers. The Judge
held the broom uplifted, and as the black
ribbon of the silver watch was revealed
he cracked away at it three or four times
with the broom, then he pushed the
thing off into the bucket. Then they
took the light to investigate the matter
When the judge saw what it was he
said:
81 might have known. 1t is just like
you women to go screeching and fussing
about nothing. 1t is utterly ruined"
"It was You that made the fuss, not
me, said Mrs. Pitman.
"You needn't try to put the blame ON
me-"
Then the Judge turned in and growled
at Maria until he fell asleep.
SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.
If you kant trust man for the full
amount, let him skip. This trying to
git an average on honesty haz always
been a failure
There IL no teaching in silence-silence
is hard argument to beat.
Don't mistake habits for karakter, the
man of the most karakter haz the fewest
habits
There's cheats in all things-even pi-
zen IL adulterated.
The man who IL thoraly polite is 2
thirds of Christian anyhow.
Kindness IL an instinkt, politeness only
an art.
There is a CRATE deal of learning in
this world which IL nothing more than
trying to prove what we doan't under
stand.
Ny dear boy there are but few who
ken commence at the middle of the lad
der and reach the top-and probably you
and [ don't belong to that number.
WHY HE PAID.
The Detroit Free Press says A cer-
tain Michigander who had long sue
ceeded in dodging n certain creditor,
was a few days ago cornered in the Office
of a mutual friend, and the creditor
began
''Sir you have owed me S25 for a
year past, and now l want to know what
YOU are going to do about it"
well. I'll think it over
s.'rbara will ba no thinking II over