Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1882-06-22
A NEW INDUSTRY.
Mrs. spoopendyke's Opinion In Regard to Expert
TesfimonN.

Mrs. spoopendyke's Opinion In Regard to Expert
Testimony.
MY DEAR" said Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she wiped the corner of the baby's
mouth and curled up roll on the top
OF ITS head, why don't you go and be
an expert?''
Expert in what?" demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke, dropping his paper
What kind of an expert?'
Don't you know? An expert who
goes to court and yells right out what
he thinks of hypothetical questions and
heads, and knows by the almanac just
when a man is crazy and when he
isn't
Anything the matter with your head
this trip" roared Mr.. Spoopendyke.
been reading some old cook book late
ly? What're you talking about? What
dress pattern have you got hold of now?"
81 was reading about Mr.. Guiteau,n
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. and thought
how much better it must be to be an ex-
pert than to know anything about the
case. That's why | asked. If man
knows anything they always prove that
swears that the man who bothers him is
crazy, and that ends it.
II s'pose you think I've had so much
experience in idiocy at home that could
make fortune as an expert" sputtered
MIR. Spoopendyke. II tell you they are
all intelligent men. They make up their
minds and swear to their opinions, ac-
cording to law. When the revised stat
utes at large provide forme as an expert,
as they provide for idiots, lunatics, hab-
itual drunkards, and married women,
I'll gointo the business and Mr.. Spoo-
pendyke winked at himself trumphantly,
as he thought over the last shot.
''Well," rejoined Mrs. Spoopendyke,
bridling Indignantly, IF the revised stat
utes provide in the way they ought to
be shut up. They've no business at
large. didn't know that these experts
were legalized. | supposed they just
went there to help their friends along"
''No they don't, eitherr' restored Mr..
Spoopendyke. "They go to swear whe-
| Their the man is insane or not.
''But what do they want to drown
him for2" argued Mrs. Spoopendyke.
There they were all talking at once
and getting along pleasantly, when all
of sudden Mr.. Porkhill and Col. Cor
ker and Mr.. Savage throw Mr. Guiteau
into the dockr
drown your grandmother hind
Leg" howled Mr.. Spoopendyke. what
dye think law dock is? Got notion
it's measley pond with q green scum
on top of it? S'pose it's two-inch mud
puddle with fence around it and con-
gressional appropriation to make it nav
igable? It's pen | tell We, rallied off
pen in court house, where they put n
prisoner. Guiteau bothered the experts
so that they had to put him in the pen
Think you understand it now?"
'Of course" assented Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, but why don't they put Mr. SEQ
vile and Mr.. Reed there too? They are
trying to bother the experts as much as
Guiteau did. They won't let the poor
men alone"
Don't you know the difference be-
tween lawyer and criminal?" ripped
Mr.. Spoopendyke, "or is that too fine a
distinction for you? Reed and Scoyille
are defending Guiteau. Porter, Cork
hill and Davidge are prosecuting him.
OF course his lawyers will cross examine
the witness against him. But it's no use
trying TO explain anything to YOU"
Il understand that much,n returned
Mrs. Spoopendyke, ''but l don't under
stand what Judge Cox means by pitch
ing into the lawyers and overriding the
questions. The first he knows the ex-
perts will swear that he is an asymmet-
rical, and then he'll be put into the dock
with Guitcau, where it will 90 hard with
him. | tell you a Judge can't be too
careful how he behaves" and Mrs
Spoopendykc pinned the baby's skirts
around its legs and smoothed out its
dress.
Wow" yelled Mr. Spoopendyke, I'M
able for a moment to throw his feelings
into coherent form of speech You
have struck it! You're whole barrel
of canned judiciary! All you want now
is 4 red label on your back and lot Of
marginal notes to be a dodgasted law
book! IL you'd change assistants
once month and win four cases in one
term of office you'd only need the dcod-
ands and plug hat to be district at
torney You've got the idea. There
nothing more to be said on either side!
! WV wa ~ Dl.tch pCIllCOdb WIFI STOVES
to 1t and wart on your nose and YOU d
only want restaurant in the basement
and lounge up stairs to be an United
States supreme court. What We think
a Judge is for? A substitute? Think he
sits around to ease the prisoner, turn
and turn about? Got some kind of .an
idea that he's dodgasted work on ETH
quette with notified leaves and yellow
binding and Tommy from Fanny writ
ten on the fly? I'll tell you. lie presides!
Any body but half witted woman that
thinks with her heels and reasons with
the rat holes next door wouldn't need to
be told of it more times than she makes
a measley idiot of herself"
IF he presdeS he's all right" re-
joined Mrs. Spoopendyke, with sigh of
relief. 'but | got the idea that he went
there to feel the public sentiment, and
then say those were his views, and as he
was only helping the prosecution to tell
Guiteau the error of his ways before his
conduct was snapped up and used
against him. y
Mr. Spoopendyke drew off his cloth
ing solemnly, fired the pieces into diff
ferent corners, and waded into bed with
| the stern reflection that ''Some people
only need side whiskers nd note book
full of bad lectures on repealed statutes
to be a modern law school.
81 don't care" muttercd Mrs. Spoo-
pendyke. II like those experts and |
wish my husband would 80 into the bus
mess. They may not hang Guiteau but
they'l find the jury insane and Mr..
Mr.. Porter will have to find another Job
for this trial can't last forever"
With which solution of the nation
al complication Mrs. Spoopendyke I'M
dressed the baby, dropping the pins
where Mr.. Spoodendyke would be sure
to find them the moment he stepped out
of bed in the morning.
JACKS0N'S TENDERNESS.