The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-11-08

the act of dressing himself, when one OF
his shoes rolled down the rock and dis
apDeared in the water. In attempting
to rescue it he lost the other one also,
whereupon, contemplating his feet with
a most melancholy expression, he apos-
trophized: ''Well. you're nice pair OF
orphans, amt your
There lives an old gentleman who is
famous for the soiled condition of his
linen. An old friend, who had been
looking fixedly at the bosom of the old
gentleman shirt. spoke out thus: Il
say, major, I've known you for the last
twenty years, and there is something
about you that has puzzled me very
much / would like to ask you about it
if you have no objection. l hope you
not" well, then, major, do tell me
who wears your shirts before they get
dirty?''
Sam MCGOWAN appeared on the street
one day last week, seemingly in trouble.
whats the matter, Sam?' asked an
acquaintance. ooh, | am afraid I'll be
an orphan" IAN orpiiani Howp"
1.-The ole 'omaA is sicker' n the devil, and
the doctor says she's got ter die"
Pa" said the inquisitiye small boy,
Unanimous, my son, unanimous -ah
why, when all the men want the same
thing, that unanimous" politicians
is all unanimous, amt they, pap" ''No,
my son; not by n iugfut" swell, j
don't see why, cause they all wants an
office, anyhow"
The editor of the Latest Nel0s, apaper
published at Juda, Wis, had his leg
hr.Ot-o hxra 70 inh ha
into his office falling on him. II editors
would use a soap box, with leather
hinges to the cover, with wooden but
ton to fasten it, they would not get hurt,
and their valuables would be just as
safe as in an iron safe.
An Arkansas woman knocked down
her husbands gun and was killed. One
of the neighbors speaking about the sad
affair, said THAT was indeed sad
affair. You can never replace her,
YES" replied the husband, taking two
of his children onto his lap, ''but there's
one consolation. That old gun has never
failed to kill yit."
Plantation philosophy: Eff de Lord
shortens de lives oh dem what he loves.
it is a great pity dat he amt fell in love
wild de man what always has his pocket
full OBJ political figures. Eff yer want to
make a oman mad an appear pleased,
tell her oh fault; but eff yer wanster
make her pleased an appear mad. tell
her dat she's good lookin'.
Scene in Court-"Now, Mr.. Blank,
you say that on that day, at noon, you
saw woman ride past your house at
furious pace, and you have given us
detailed description of her costume
Please tell us what was the color of the
horse" Il do not remember" ''Well,
was the woman white or black?'' Il
did not notice; she went so fast that |
only had time to see how she was
dressed"
An old negro professed to be indiffer- |
ent as to future state, believing that |
''dey'u make niggers work chen in /
'eaben." A clergyman tried to argue |
him out of his opinion by representing |
that there was no work for him or any,
one else in heaven. you CONWAY, |
massa," was his reply; Il know better |
If dere's no oder work for chilled persons |
up dere, dey'n make him shub de clouds |
along"
A distinguished physician says that |
the garments worn by women are pref |
cradle to those worn by men. He may |
speak from experience. but we don't be- |
Geve he ever wore a walking costume of /
royal blue cloth, with facings, revers.
and pelerine of velvet plush, with a vel |
vet basque, long, clinging pelisse trim
med with lace iabots down the fronts /
and back, Charles III collar, and a tiny /
black velvet poke and arib-compressing |
corset cut entrain, and so forth. Hardly. |
Commodore Vanderbilt had contract
ed so inveterate habit of keeping him.
self and everybody else to the precise
matter in hand, that once, asking a
friend he had invited to dinner if he
would take venison, and receiving what
he deemed an evasiVe reply, Thank
you, L am going to take boiled chicken"
the Commodore sharply retorted: THAT,
sir, Is no answer to my question; | ask
you again if you will take venison, and
will trouble you to say yes or no with
out prevarication."
When the hop-picking is over in Cal
ifornia, the Indian who has been earn
ing $3.50 a day and feels the dignity OF
riches, betakes him to the nearest town
and invests his capital in gaudy apparel
and other creature comforts. He pur. |
chases for himself a glossy black suit OF
cashmere and a pair of boots, whose
red tops he displays with pride beneath
his rolled up trousers. He selects for
his squaw handkerchief of many col.
Ors, and if he feels like doing her special
honor, a red quilt for her shoulders.
Thus adorned they seat themselves in
dignity fiat upon the sidewalk and eat
heir way through the biggest water
melon that money will buy.