Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1882-01-18
SPICE AND RLISPICE.

How to make slow horse fast-dont
feed him.
The men with the biggest watch
chains usually have silver watch at the
end of it.-HdrtfOrd Globe.
A PILLAR Of the church, to be of any
service, should, like any other pillar,
have capital.
SAYS General Robert Toombs: :" Gui-
teau ought to be kicked to death by a
mule" Sail in general. Post.
WHEN an old actress paints her face to
look young she is making up for lost
time
"THERE is no accounting for tastes"
Nonsense! What is the work of a book
keeper III an eating house, but accounting
for tastes.-BoSton Transcript.
"DR1ED tongue" was the answer made
by a minister to an.inquiry as to the con-
tents of his carpet-bag, which was full
of sermons.
IT isn't always safe for man with
gray whiskers to stake his life upon the
hazard Of the dye.-Neo0 York Com
merciaJ AdUertiSer.
MISERY may love company, says a
coiored philosopher, g but I'd ru5her
bof. "
SUNDAY SCHOOL superintendent:
When you are talking about forbear-
ance, don't forget to mention the Wash
ington barber who shaved Glliteau with
out cut.-LoaOeU Citizen.
"YoUNG man. said the revivalist, ad-
dressing a profane swearer, chow Ehot
do you suppose hell is ?" "Well, Mr..
Finney, [ suppose it's SO hot there that
If somebody brought you q spoonful of
melted iron you'd swear twas ice cream"
Mr.. Finney had nothing more to say.
He came home the other night in the
drlzzllng rain, soaked inside as well as
out. What excuse have you to Offer"
said his better half, Ffor coming home
In such berry condItion?" "None,
my dear, )" was his answer, "'cept twas
avery muggy day. Newport NeaUs.
Mrs. CLEANwELL is what may be
called pizen nice. Cleanwel says when
he caught his better half washing off the
Easter eggs he had paid half a dollar
apiece for, he became convinced that
there was such thing as being too neat.
Boston Transcript.
81 DON'T miss my church as much as
you suppose, said lady to her minis
ter, who had called upon her during her
illness, Ffor I make Betsy sit at the
window as soon as the bells begin to
chime and tell me who are going to
church and whether they have got on
anything new
A YOUNG man living in Leadville
shipped to his little brother in st. Louis,
.fc+yo nh
OF the dlminutive species known as the
Mexican burro. The agent, in making
outhis manifest, concluded that "burro"
meant ''bureau :" and reported accord
lngly to his superior, GO one bureau miss |
ing and one jackass over
SENSATION at wedding: His honor
TO the bride-elect-"Are you willing to |
take Mr.. X, here present, as your hus-
band?' Bride elect" Thank you, sir,
I am not y His honor Nabbergasted5 |
-"But my child, you should have said
SO before coming herep' Bride-elect-
so, sir, you are the first person that
has consulted my wishes i'll the matter p
Figaro
Miss HoRTENsE is working Beautiful
Piece of Embroidery. 1t is a Motto in
Green and Gold. 1t asks What is Home |
Without a Mother? When Miss Hor-
tense gets it done she will give it to her |
Beau, who tends Dry Goods Counter. |
You cannot see Miss Hortense's Mother.
She is III the Back Yard doing the |
Weekly Washing. By and by she will |
be Bringing in the Coal for the Parlor
Stove. because Miss Hortense's Beau is
Coming tonight. -Denyer Tribune
Primer.
I. D. S., Waco, TEXAS: 81 am a
young politician and would like, if you
would answer this, and tell me if you
know of auy book published that con
talns the skeleton of good speeches. IF |
so, who is the author. and where can I
get 1t ?" The only book we know of, |
that contains full assortment of skele-
tons of good speeches, is an unabridged |
edition Of Noah Webster. You can get
It from any first-class BOOKSELLER
Texas Siftings.
AMENDED complaint: A maiden of adj
yanced years and very plain appearance
having been told by gentleman that
she reminded him of lady once famed
as belle and who at sixty still retained |
many traces Of her former beauty, was
so elated by the compliment that she
communicated it to all her friends. One
of them happening to meet the gentle
man few days later inquired with some
surprise: lis it true that YOU told Miss
Ct she reminded you of Mrs. R-?''
"Quite true" he answered; "they've
both got crow-feet in the corner of their
eyes
THIS man is School Teacher. He is
going to Sit Down in the Chair There
is Bent Pin in the Chair and it will
Bite the School Teacher. The School
Teacher is very Able Man, and he will
find it out as soon as the Bent Pin
Tackles him. We should Smile. But
the School Teacher will not Smile. He
viii Play Sonata with the Ferule on
the Boys Back. The Boy put the Bent
Pin In the Chair. He is trying to be
Humorist. When the School Teacher
gets Through with him the Boy will eat
his meals from the Mantel- Piece for a
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