New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1882-12-20
WIT AND HUHoR.
. You can hold an opinion moro firmly
than you can clutch hornet.

&
than you can clutch . hornet.
A statistician has estimated that court
ships average three tons of coal each. "
To get up dinner Of great variety,
cooks should be allowed 3 wide range.
Men who have money to loan take
the greatest possible interest in their !,
business.
A gentleman had his picture taken
recently; cost him 5000, and still he is
not happy. A fellow took it out of the
hall when the latch was up. e,
"Hold the forte for am coming!'
said the muscular man, as his pals stag
gered on the stairway uuder the weight
Of tho piano.
The reason that aesthetics so admire
the stork is that he can stand for hours
on one leg and look as though he didn't
know anything and didn't want to.
1t is an undeniable fact that nearly all
centenarians are poor and have been
poor all their lives. If you wish to live
to good old age, young men, never
advertise. " fn& l.,.s.., e
This is the difference between the
much talked of speculation in caoutch-
QUO and game of whist: One is cor
ner in rubber, and the other is rubber
in corner.
Convicts at Dartmoor Prison, in Eng
land, make skeleton keys out of the
bones of their meat. Nothing could be
more appropriate. Their escape by this
means reminds us of one of those skele-
ton leaves.
Beauties of the Omitted States'' Ian
guage: A gentleman was growing
about having to pay a bill twice. ''Why
did you pay it?'' asked his companion.
"Pay it? I didn't. 1t was jayhubbled
out of me-"
A lunatic in charge of his keeper,
while stepping aboard a train the other
day, stepped on q banana peel and slid
under the car. ''Ah!' exclaimed the
keeper, Il am like disabled locomo-
tive, for I've slipped my eccentric"
Recently the citizens of Fair Play,
COL, decided that they ought to do
something to observe the Sabbath. So
hereafter they will not shoot on Sunday
except in elf-defense, or when strang-
er inpudently refuses to drink.
What is the difference between
crowded house when a procession is
passing and the occupants of a dentists
waiting-room? In the first instance
there is face in every pane; in the lat
ter, pain in every face. .g,$a@..
So you were q slave before the WARP"
he said to the old darkey. ''Yes, NASSAU
Had hard time in life, eh?'' ''Specs
has, NASSAU Ever sold?'' "Golly,
yes, massa. Some Teller put half dol
lar on de sidewalk, only dis mawnin',
sab; I was sold by dat" '.. ~ -
"There, never mind" said the dem
tist; soothingly, as he twisted the tooth
around once or twice to loosen it up,
''never mind, it won't hurt" ''No,''
gasped the victim, II know.it won't,
but it does just now, and that what in
terests me-" = ~s& q Is
It is related that the first man was
tempted by the first woman; but there
has been no occasion for such tempta-
ton since. Man, brought to knowledge,
has been entirely able and willing to
keep up with the procession where sin
is going on.
The editor of a Michigan paper at
tempted to state that certain newly
married couple had gone to Niagara
Falls, where they would spend their
honeymoon, but the types made him say
that they ''would spend their money
soon." He wasn't very far out Of the
way, we suspect.
It is good story which is told Of an
old'New England divine who found him.
self one day in pulpit where the
hymn-books were we'll worn. He read
part of a hymn, and, seeing that the
page was torn, paused and said, slowly,
mo; let us begin and sing, to the praise
and glory Of God, hymn five hundred
and twenty-six," But. discovering that
the end Of that was gone also, he stop
ped abruptly, and said, slowly, "Sing
to the same glory any whole hymn that
you find in the book" and sat down..
Two servants of coquet1+ are dis
cussing the visitors of the house. 1T
seems to me-" says the first, ''that now
adays we never see Monsieur-Mon-
sieur-what is his name? The straw
colored beard!' "Ah! yes. The De-
luge!' ''Why do you call him the De-
lugep" Because he reigned forty
days" =
A new pension law is needed. Under
the present law the grandson of man
who intended to enlist but never got
around to it, owing to the pressure of
private business, cannot make the Pen
sion Bureau clothe and feed him, and
Congressional act is needed to remedy
this oversight.
Long-haired men are generally weak
and fanatical, and men with scant hair
are the philosophers and soldiers and
statesmen of the world. -London Lancet.
We will bet ten to one that the editor of
the Lancet is as bald as a billiard ball.
and spent all his spare cash in hair re.
storatives before he settled down to the
above usion.-Philudelphia Ne,cs.
A lady had in her employ an excel.
lent girl who had one fault. Her face
was always in smudge. Mrs. -
tried to tell her to wash her face with
out offending her, and at last resorted
to strategy. ':Do you know, Bridget"
she remarked in confidential manner,
lit is said if you wash the face every
Day in hot soapy water it will make YOU
bcautiful?'' ''Will itp'' answered the
willy Bridget. 'Sure it's wonder We
niver tried it, ma amv'
A young man called on sarcastic
girl few evenings since, his legs done
up in the tightest Of pants legs, and
she looked very sad, and her eyes had a
far-away look. He asked her what it
was that caused her to be troubled. She
looked at his large, generous, fiddle-box
feet, and said she had been wondering
how he got his feet through the legs,
whether he unscrewed them and took
them off, or whether there was hinge
in the ankle so he could straightcn them
out.
s.Now.' said the teacher If tho senior