davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
National Republican., 1882-08-22
SIMMONS
LIVER
REGULATOR
MALARIA.

attacks by occasionally
taking dose of Simmons Liver Regulator TO keep
the liver In healthy condition.
GONSTTPAT
should not be regarded triiiing aiment Nature
demands the utmost regularity of the bowels. There
fore assist Nature by taking simmons Liver Regu-
lator, II is so mild and eftectual.
National Republican., 1882-08-22
STEAMBOAT LINES.
Mt. Vernon! Mt. Vernon
STEAMER w. w. CORCORAN

BTEAHEH W. w. COKCOKAN
Leaves Seventh.street wharf daily Except Sunday
for Mt Vernon at 10 o'clock Il. M returning, reaches
Washington about 3: Op. NJ
auto l.. l.. BLAKE Captain
National Republican., 1882-08-22
GoTTG-

The Regulator will positively this terrible dis
ease. We assert emphatically what we know 10 DO
tru
National Republican., 1882-08-22

TUE oREPATE EPA,TENsy1vAN1, po,,rr
81, p9UhtF TR&SK, ssFTESgIB sSEN!EMhtYS.r
TRAINS leave 3sF IAsmiNar6N, sf from station
For p,,tsS,ner eopner sixth and streets follows:
ns 'sH sespss Wfs GrsS dfs @. lR5tea Ia EI m
SroHy Inst Line. % daily with sleeping Cars
7:o p M daily with Palace Cars to Pits Pitr~unrf Il
burg ana II, %2iI Express, HSo p m daily for Pits
F9 hte>sun prins, 1890 n M, 7:2o and $50 u. m.
BALTIMORE AND POTOMAC RAILROAD
For Canandaigua, Rochester. Buffalo, Niagara 90
r,shy ~ daily except SUNDAY with par!or Car rom Mar-
with Palace Iars 10 cannndsfyyae "a m ddy eScept satur
fSr nv mdllsP9rt daY Sn tSSE dMsven and Emra at e
For s!,6 New % York and the East. 400 M, 1880 n m.
and IsGp l%Sp E1prSss % oqqqP$s oq ss
lor Cars; ;so a; M, daily except Sunday 'nn rar-
Jersey BPoSRyn sr"las Asnea SSn"ess %ara q.
ing direct transfer to Fulton street. avoiding double
For Phlladelphia, 500 a. IN. 1850 M, 100, 400 ESQ
ana as5 lU;s3 m; on Sunday. ~ $50, and lo2o m.
For Baltimore $40 500 eso 1880 a. M and so' In,
ss S o NJ @ ", "S so and nd o & G p nj on Sunday 500
For Popes Creek Line S:io a. m and lio m ~ m. daily.
Fsr Xhnapoiis, G4o a. M and 40 p. m. daily. except
ALEXAE2RRIA Il pr AfEI ANP FnEDERIcKsBURG RAIIa
TON RAILROAD 1A'N "A9ihiN'-
$40 500 Ga, 500 and 1850 p m; on Sunday at at s;sj 3
e;?q lloo, and il25 ~ a.. T. m, , and 500 p m
and 500 y. m. daily. except sunday NS'
Ira rs leave Alexandria for Washington. 500 s:l5
m and 1900 midnight: on Sunday al sis S6i, and
1000 q. m 100 and g2D p m. .,
ner of Thirteenth street and Pennsylvania avenue,
and Mt the station where orders can be lef tor tho
checking Of baggage to destination from hotels and
J. r. WOOD. General Passenger Agent
- A
National Republican., 1882-08-22
FINANCIAL.
TRAVELLERS GUIDE.
TNHE VIRGINIA MIDLAND RAILWAY.
HE TRUNK LINE TO THE WEST ANN
SOUTHWEST. D


schedule in effect May H. 1852
1:lO d m.-New OrleAns Mail, daily, making cI ia
,, c9mneStons fs 10 sll points South and southwest
Wlth huh man Sleeping Cais from Washington via
l,hly,,le 70 Atlanta. and Atlanta to New 0rlpnns;
and Bristol ~ ' ~ "S'puis
$50 a. m.Lousville Fast Line daily via Charlottea
vile, Huntington aud Lexington to Iincinnaii
Louisville, and all SUuthw esern points. maxim,
direct connectlons, aud with solid train and Puif
- man Stepping Cars, Wasiit gton to LouisviIIe
a'EV p m.-Whrrenlon Accommodation daily except
sunday, for Warrenton aud informed nto sin iotis
a. az he urning arrives N Washington at lO3O a. m
in3o p. ni.-Southern Mail and Express daily 10 ALI
pnin's sonIli, Southeast, and Snuthw t~t Win D1n,
vile and Charlotte, with Pullman Sleeping Cars
Mashitigton TO thnrleSun and Washington u
Mnte seos Su,pnur , " snr'nEs Marks seepng-Char
For all points on Manassas Division take '7IO a nj,
IRAN daily, except sunday. For Warrenton tase
cept sunday. . ~ ' '''' H'S' GA
Tor tickets and all Information inquire Mt Gem.
pany'A onice COL Pennsylvania avenue or mt Iinion
Depot Onite, sol fenitsylvaua avenue, Is connected
with telephone system
=, r. T. HAWK. Asst. F. and L. Agent
Ai. SLAUGHTER, General Passenger Agent
SOL HAAS, Traffic Manager. iris
National Republican., 1882-08-22

Children suffering with Collie experience relief
when simmons Liver Regulator is administered
ad- Take only the Genuine. which always has on
the wrapper the red trademark and signature Of
j. Ill. ZEILIN & co.
National Republican., 1882-08-22
j. II. WOOD. General Passenger Agent
FRANK THOMSON, General Manager.
AND OHIO RAILROAD.
DOUBLE TRACK J,NNEY COUPLER
STEEL RAILS!

THE MODEL. FAST AND THE ONLY LINE
BEt WI EN-
TIE EAST AND THE WEST VIA WASHINGTON
National Republican., 1882-08-22

wb,, Corn Oats por,, ,o,, Year
~ ' ~ wheat
National Republican., 1882-08-22
, SICK HEADACHE.

For the relief and cure
of this distressing aaiic-
tion take simmons Liver
Regnlalor.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20
ONLY ONE MOTHER.

| seem to see her now, pale, patient
mother, clinging with vein-traced hands
tight hold of life, yet ever wearing in
her blue-gray eyes look of longing as
though waiting for something more.
And looking at her through all these
by experience, what is the wish that
fiutters up within me, and chafes and frets
that no expression can be given to it =?
'Tis this: That when had a mother
had been more kind For me, nearly
the whole of life was stretching out: for
her, only the spent remnant of one-a
fiickering spark, that with each day has
famed to life, by the strong yearninS of
a loyal heart to serve little longer those
she loved. Why did | not more often
stay the eagerness of youth, and paus-
ing on the threshold of the day, say
Mother, love your Or, with keener
gaze look round to see where loads, full
heavy for SO worn a frame, could by q
younger hand be lightened In haste L
turned the leaflets of my book of life
with scarce thought of the home pic
lures where the mother ever stood the
central figure. Why was it not given
to me then to realize that, though life
might shower choice blessings on my fu-
ture way, choicer one was even then
my own; and yet still more, though
other gifts might be twice meted out,
only one mother could be granted me.
God help the girls who stand this day by
their mothers, to be SO true, so helpful
and SO full of kind intent, that when the
sunny days of youth have merged into
the sombre ones of gray, and mayhap
missed something from their store of
earthly blessings, they waken to the
fact that nowhere does the world, in all
it's richness, hold for them a mother,
they need not find coupled with their
loss the wish that they had been more
kind.-Belle x. To,cne, IN Rural Home.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20
THE SPLINT IN THE HORSE.

1t is well known to all owners of horses
that there is what may be called tumor,
which at first is callous and afterwards
becomes bony, which sometimes grows
upon the horses leg, the base resting
upon the line of union of the shank bone
and the splint-bone, which frequently
causes the horse to go lame-indeed, al
most invariably when it invades the
knee joint and which is frequently be-
yond the reach of the farrier to cure or
remove. A short time ago, however, a
farmer, who appeared to be familiar
with the ailment of the horse, informed
us that he used a remedy for it which
was completely successful with him; and
having obtained the ingredients in the
belief that the ointment might be of
service in similar cases, we append them
as follows:
Equal parts of oil of amber; oil of
spike, and spirits of turpentine.
Mix well and apply twice day, and
grease with little fresh or unsalted
lard or what is better, the mdrro,u from
an uncooked beef-bone. 1t will make
the parts sore and it will run a little,
but each one must be his own judge in
the frequency of the application after it
becomes somewhat sore. GeTmdnt0,ofa
Telegraph.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20
AN oLDEN TIME coURTSHIP.

Thirty years ago Michigan people
were frank and truthful. Folks meant
what they said, and when they gave
their word stuck to it.
Exactly thirty years ago this month a
widower from New York State appeared
in Lansing on business. That same bus
mess carried him over to De Witt, eight
miles away. When enroute he stopped
at log farmhouse to warm his cold fin
gers. He was warmly welcomed by the
pioneer and his wife, both of whom were
we'll along in years, and after some gen.
eral talk, the woman queried:
Am | right in thinking you are q
widower?"
Yes"
did you come out here to find a wife p
Partly"
Did anybody tell you of our Susie p
NO"
''Well, we've got as bouncing girl of
twenty-five as you ever set eyes on.
She's good lookin', healthy and good
tempered, and l think she'll like your
looks"
Where is she p
"Over in the woods, here, chopping
down a coon tree Shall l blow the
horn for herf'
mo. If you'll keep an eye on my
horse, I'll find her.
"Well, there's nothing stuck up or af-
fected about Susie. She'll say yes or no
as soon as she looks you over. If you
want her don't be afraid to say so.
The stranger heard the sound of her
axe and followed it. He found her just
as the tree was ready to fall. She was
stout, fine looking girl, swinging the
axe like man, and in two minutes he
had decided to say:
Susie, I'm widower from New York
State. I'm thirty-nine years old, have
one child, own good farm, and | want
wife. Will you go back home with
me?'
She leaned on the axe and looked at
him for half minute, and then replied:
Cant say for certain. Just wait till
l get these coons off my mind"
She sent the tree crashing to the earth,
and with his help killed five coons, which
were slowed away in hollow.
well, what do you say ?" he asked as
the last coon stopped kicking.
I'm your'n !" was the reply; land by
time you get back from De Witt, I'll
have these pelfs off and tackled up and
be ready for the preacher!"
He returned to the house, told the old
folks that he should bring a preacher
with him, and at dusk that evening the
twain were IN arried. Hardly an hour
had been wasted in counting, and yet he
took home one of the best girls in the
State of Michigan.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20
MARK ANTONY's GRAFTON OVER
CESAR

Friends, Romans, countrymen! lend me your ears
l will return them next Saturday. come
To bury Caesar, because the times are hard
And his folks can't afford to hire an undertaken.
The evil that men do lives after them,
In the shape of progeny who reap
The benefit of the life insurance
So let it be with the deceased.
Brutus hath told you that Caesar was ambitious.
What does Brutus know about it?
1t is none of his funeral Would that it were.
Here under leave of you come to
Make speech at Caesars funeral
He was my friend. faithful and just to me;
He loaned me five dollars once when was in a
pinch,
And signed my petition for post-office.
And Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus should wipe off his chin.
Caesar hath brought many captives home to Rome
Who broke rock on the street until their ransoms
Did the general Golfers fill.
When that the poor hath cried, Caesar hath wept
Because it didn't cost anything
And made him solid with the masses. lCheers.l
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus is liar and can prove it.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
thrice presented him kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse, because it did not fit
him quite.
Was this ambition? Yet Brutus says he was am
bilious.
Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country,
But he is a horse-thief OF the deepest dye.
[Applause]
If you have tears. prepare to shed them now.
[Laughterl
You all do know this ulster.
remember the first time ever Caesar put it on.
1t was on a Summers evening in his tent,
With the thermometer registering 90e in the shade
But 1t was an ulster to be proud of,
And cost hin. S3 at Marcaius Swartzmeyer's
Corner OF Broad and Ferry streets, sign of the
red flag.
Old Swartz wanted $40 for 1t,
But finally came down to SO, becauseit was Caesar!
Look. In this place ran Caesars dagger through
Through this theson of gun of a Brutus stabbed,
And when he plucked his cursed steel away.
Good gracious. how the blood of Caesar followedit it!
[Cheers and cries of "Gve US something on the
Chinese BILL Hit him again." Sci
came not friends. to steal away your hearts.
am no thief as Brutus is.
Rrutus has m onopoly in all that business,
And if he had his deserts he would be
In the penitentiary, and don't you forget it.
Kind friends, sweet friends. do not wish to stir
you up
To such sudden flood of mutiny,
And, as it looks like rain,
The pall-bearers will please place the coffin in the
hearse.
And we will proceed to bury Cesar.
Not to praise him.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20
NEW RAILROAD SIGNALS.

A lamp upside down on an engine sig
nifies that the engineer is drunk; the
smoke stack upside down denotes that
q rail was up.
A hot box signifies that the engineer
is dry Time will be given to attend to
the matter.
A red flag on the rear of the passenger
train denotes that Division Supervisor
is on hand.
Seven toots of the whistle denotes
that there is a calf on the track. The
fireman will go out on the pilot and at
tach two green flags to his tail. The
calf will then run as an extra. If he
doesn't make schedule time, call the
! coroner.
! When baggage master acts as con-
ductor, he must put on airs-two airs if
on regular train, and three airs if on
an extra.
| Enginemen must not use the oil can
for whiskey.
| Before lea ing the station the con-
/ ductor must call out the name of the
last station passed, and each passenger
must name the place he is from.
| On arriving at station the conductor
and engineer will go into the telegraph
Office and write home to their families.
They will stay there until they know
their train is behind time. They will
then run back to the next station.
Each passenger may ask seven ques-
,f + Ia botx f,,,r,
stations. The conductor must answer
these questions civilly, without swearing
or looking mad
Conductors must look after the COM
fort of passengers. When the conductor
is looking after female passenger, the
baggage master will look after the con-
ductor, and brakeman will look after
the baggage master.
The passenger must punch his own
ticket. He shall then tell the conductor
where he was born and where he expects
to die when he goes to. The conductor
must also be punched.
At the end of every trip, the conductor
must make written report of the num-
ber of cars. number, color and age of
passengers, together with any accidents
that may have occurred.
On arriving at the end of his route the
conductor shall be stripped and searched
with a tooth-pick, nail brush and fine
comb, to see that he has no tickets con-
cealed about him. .
To each sub division of ten miles there
shall be one laborer, two fOremen, three
supervisors, and four assistant engin-
GERS Each of these shall have two
clerks.
The supervisor shall make daily in
spection of the track. This can usually
be done best from the smoking car of IL
passenger train
Foremen must visit their sections at
least once week. unless they are very
busy at home.
They must, before each annual inspec-
ton, have the roads swept, the ends of
all ties sand -papered, the faces of all
e,nbankments shaved, and all fences
and telegraph poles whitewashed.
All subordinates must chew coffee for
a week before inspection, SO that their
breath will not be offensive to the in
specting officials, none of whom ever
drink.
Policing must be rigidly enforced Ar
rest any laborer who takes switch for
his wife's back hair or uses frog for
fish bait If he don't want shovel let
him take pick.
For repairing the track, select the
time when most trains are due. Stop
work for thirty minutes before and after
the arrival of each train. Better sacri-
flee your own time than the lives of the
company's employees
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

MIXING MILK FROM DIFFERENT
Cows.-It is not good plan to mix the
milk or cream from farrow cows or those
long in milk with that of new milch
cows, as the former takes much longer
to churn, and consequently when churned
together it is not churned long enough
to become butter and is lost in the but
termilk. There is more loss than is
dreamed of in this WY. Another fact
is that the cream from milk of some cows
churns much quicker at any time than
that from others. This is owing to the
globules or sacks containing the cream
being much larger and therefore break
ing easily. This is true of the Jerseys
as a breed, and for that reason their
cream should be churned separately if
possible.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

CASTOR; and then run upstairs and dress
Hendie, y said Amy. II have the whole
care of him, mammals health is so poor
and papa so needs her attention lately.
Then: You needn't fry buckwheats fol
us, Mrs. CASTOR; there'll be plenty OF
breakfast without. But I'll put on a
little of this oatmeal for papa, if you
please. He is very fond of it, and it ism t
much trouble to cook any time, is it?'
BLESS you, no, child. And the break
fast's ready like magic"
The biscuits (made by chemistry, Mrs.
CASTOR avowed, with awe) turned out
perfection; and the oat meal and cream
cry milk furnished Mr. Walcott with
such satisfactory breakfast that he
seemed heartened up wonderfully at
once.
Before dinner the stout daughter of q
neighbor came into Mrs. Gaston's
kitchen, and set her mind at rest as to
the labor to be performed.
She was able to make her boarders
feel at home and entirely comfortable,
and In return they seemed to take pains
to make themselves exquisitely agree
able.
But 1t was only the ordinary result of
good breeding which made the Walcotts
so agreeable to the Gastons- con-
stant unselfshness and gentle considera
tion Of others which never fails to please
the most unrefined.
But the Gastons were not unrefined.
If Mrs. Castor occasionally made a gram
matical error, it was due greatly to that
habit of conversation with uneducated
people about her. Her son had a more
than ordinary education, and, with agri
cultural tastes, a passion for books. He
had long exhausted the better part of the
town library, and, like Oliver Twist, was
hungry for more
Mr.. Walcott gave him permission to
use the trunkful of books he had brought
as if they were his own, and sent Amy
to display them to him; while Mrs Wal
cout gave him her sympathy and ad-
miration equally.
''Such splendid young Saxonn' said
she laughing, to her husband. Just the
one for Amy"
1t was certainly very suggestive of
something of this kind that Forest gave
up his sea-shore trip, and read, and
drove, and played chess with Miss Amy,
during all the long Summer.
As / have said, the Gastons were
neither unrefined nor uneducated, but
they did lack the liberal culture of art
and modern literature. The Walcotts
opened to them a new and delightful
world, which did not end in Amy reno
waiting the gloomy parlor with graceful
drapery, art panels statuettes and gem
pictures. She grew as dear to Forests
mother as to hilnself-indeed, she always
declared she loved her first: and, when
two years of loving consummated in
marriage, Mrs. CASTOR had no prejudice
against the alterations made in the old
house at the suggestions of Forests wife.
She gave her preference to bamboo and
velvet in the furnishing of the newtpar
lors, and willingly Consigned the black
haircloth to a spare room, and with a
porch here, bay-window there, and
half-hid in roses, the old farmhouse is
the most picturesque as well as the hap
piest of homes.
Long before he came to the wedding,
Brother Ben, still deepin city trade, had
written to inquire show Sabra liked the
Walcotts.''
"Exceedingly!'' she answered. '.And
that girl has been the blessing of my
life.n
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20
TO MEET EMERGENCIES.

An emergency occurs when one does
not know what to do next. We pro-
pose to help poor humanity out by lit
tie advice. None of your cheap, ordi-
nary advice, but the genuine salaried ar
ticle
If you leave cotton umbrella behind
the grocers store door, and, on return
ing, find silk one in its place, walk off
with it in a hurry, swallowing your con-
science at every step.
If it is a moonlight night, and you can
just see the pout of her lips before you
feel the rushing wind of a fatherly boot
behind you,. don't hesitate. The kiss
will not be worth the kick. You can
better affor1 to sprain an ankle jump
ing from the steps, than to carry with
you the impress of the boot.
| If you hear an explosion in the kitchen
before you are up, telephone for the un-
dertaker One more kerosene angel has
| flown.
If you are going on picnic, and dis
cover at the last moment that your
mother-in-law is in the party, resolutely
stay at home.
If man offers you $40 to vote his
ticket, take the money, knock him down
for insulting you, and vote as you please.
Don't forget to take the money.
| If you have invited a friend to dine,
and on reaching home remember that
you forgot to order up anything fordln-
ner, give your wife the worst scolding
she ever had. This will make you feel
cordial toward your friend, and pleasant
toward yourself. The dinner can be an
after consideration.
If you carelessly climb into a farmers
orchard for an apple or two and hear
bulldogs growl behind you, and see the
farmer with an ox-goad in front of you,
offer him a dollar to call the dog off. A
farmers heart and purse are in the same
pocket.
If you are in steamboat when the
boiler explodes, tie seven life -preservers
around you, and float ashore on dry
goods box. You will thus be able to get
an interview in the papers, where you
will appear as the savior of nineteen
persons, three aged women, and Il small
boy.
If your wife sticks a needle into her
thumb, and is afraid of lockjaw, don't
do neutrality-suspicious. you may easily
get rid of her.
If your best girl looks smiling at an
ice cream sign, and you haven't a cent
in your pocket, relate to her horrible
story of four young girls dying from eat
ing this vile compound, seasoned with
arsenic.
If you cannot pay for an overcoat, and
go on a big drunk at the same time, go
on the drunk; you can get trusted for
the overcoat.
If a little sister or brother of some
body persisted in giving you away
every time you appear in company, run
your cane very vigorously under the
sofa the next time you call.
If the grocer presents his sill and says:
sAN@-.A.er.eJ, more goodS5 Tell MIN
his butter is oleomargarine, his flour is
black, his sugar is muriate of block tin,
his ginger is sawdust his mackerel is
dried herring, and swear that you
wouldn't be seen in his store for twice
the money of his bill You will be as
tonished to see how he'll agree with you,
and how quick the other grocers will
hear about it.
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

To his fond father, who has asked
where he is in his class now-'Oh, pa,
I've got much better place than / had
last quarter "Indeed7 Well, where
are your" "I'm fourteenth!' p -Four
teenth, you little lazy bones! You were
eighth last term. Do you call that a bet
ter place ~ Eyes, sir; it's nearer the
stove"
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

Some judges are terribly slow. A Sar-
atoga lawyer thinks one of the New
York Supreme Court justices takes the
cake for this. Last week he wrote the
Judge this note: my Dear Sir: ar
gued a case before you in April, 1875 I
wish you would decide it in my favor. If
you will not do that, | wish you would
decide it against me; and if you cannot
do that, please refer the case to some
other Judge who will dispose Of the mat
+or
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

She had sued for breach of promise
and the verdict of the jury was against
her WANT to poll the jury y she was
asked. .Yes, lido. Jes' gimme the pole
for two minutes"
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

81 don'tso much mind" said Mr.. Hen
peck, .'woman's having mind Of her
own, except that, 10 81 ID q ease. she rs.
ually takes charge OF her husband also"
West-Jersey pioneer., 1882-07-20

Be not half-hearted. There are many
people who are almost in love, almost
good, almost happy, almost famous.