The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1882-11-17
WIT AND HUMoR.

Kind words are like bald heads; they
can never dye.
"Please hang up" is the polite tele'
phonic for Hold your tongue"
A farce seeing man: One who be.
lieves that life is only folly.
1t is not the cheese to ask: ''Will you
love me when Pm moldp"
The green grocer is the one who
trusts the new family in the next block.
Another date fixed for the Cars cor
nation. Russia is getting as plentiful in
dates as Egypt in her palmy days.
There is man in California who al
ways has three feet in his boots. Each
boot is 18 inches long.
The biggest hoop in politics is made,
of course, for the man with the biggest
bar'L
Cats are musical because their in
sides are composed mostly of fiddle
strings.
There is a man in England who gain
ed over 80 pounds in one week. He bet
on the winning horse.
One New York milkman has been
fined eleven times for adulterating his
goods, and yet his cry is for "more
waterr'
A French physician says that raw
oysters and chicken soup will nourish
any girl through at least six disappoint-
ments in love.
Sandusky, o., has a citizen who can
cure balky horse in eight minutes.
He must be slow to take that time to
break horses neck.
Philadelphia citizens are very well
liked at home, judging from the rewards
offered for their return when they leave
the city.
A Cincinnati dairyman is charged
with biting off the tips of his horses
ears. This is something unusual in the
way of showing love for horsehesh.
The price of Circassian beauties has
lately fallen to S250,each, and now is the
time for Constantinopolitan to lay in
dozen or two if he is ever going to.
'The proper study of mankind is
man." Pope knew better than to say
woman" Woman is too deep study
for anybody to undertake.
"What becomes of old pianosp" asks
the Yonkers Gazette. Then you have
never travelled on q steamboat or visited
an orphan asylum, ehP
1t rains alike on the just and the I'M
just-and on the just mainly because
the unjust have borrowed their UNI
brellas.
Ben Franklin said that soft words
butter no parsnips, but they have help
ed elect many man to Office for all
that.
California furnishes seventeen differ
ent ranges of climate, and it is hard to
tell whether a resident will give you a
red-hot welcome or q frigid.reception.
Three thousand dollars had been
spent to educate her in music, Latin,
French and drawing, and yet she wrote:
"Send six yards of played goods by the
bearer"
You never know how much water an
umbrella is capable of containing until
you accidentally stand it against the
wall and on the pearl-colored carpet
that costs SIS yard.
''How have the mighty fallenP' Well,
some slip up on banana skin, some
ton, and fail in connection, and others
fall in coal shutes after dark.
A book called "Button on Partner
Ship is advertised. 1t would require
more than one button to hold some part
nerships together. A paddock on 'em
wouldn't do it.
A boy, describing how he had tooth
drawn, said: 1.-THE doctor collared me,
pulled like wild horses, and just before
my head came off the tooth dropped
out.
'Are you certain of securing the dia-
demP' asked the minister of dying
man. And when the dying man said he
''didn't want to die-adem bit" the min
lister and the doctor flew, and the man
got better.
mo, don't know where John spends
his evenings, 'said Mrs. Flakes, "but
guess he is at Jones' grocery most OF
the time. know his breath smell fear
fully strong of coffee and kerosene when
he comes home"
Anna Dickinson announces that she
is no longer in favor of woman's suf-
frage. We thought one season of Ham
let, with its short pants ana long STOCK
ings, would take the woman suffrage
nonsense out of Anna.
A Jersey City girl blushed and faint
ed the other day when she found that
the name of the paper she had used for
hustle was the Christian Observer.
Those Jersey City girls are too modest
for anything.
An old bachelor recently gave the fol-
lowing toast: Woman-the morning
star of infancy, the day star of manhood,
the evening star of age. Bless our stars
and may they always be kept at a tele-
scopic distance.
/ A lady who had invited small COM
/ pany to parsimonious dinner was apol-
ogizing for the chicken and she re-
GREETED having no time to stuff it. 'Ifs
tough enough as it is / assure YOU" re-
piled guest unexpectedly.
eyes" remarked the man with the