Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-07-21
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DR.. John B. Straw. who lives three miles
west Of this place, recently came to
Wytheville, brought three-and-a-half
gallon jug and told one of the merchants
to GIL it with molasses and tell him the
amount it held and the price. When the
merchant returned he said: "Five gallons
Doctor; three dollars" The DOCTOR said:
well, don't object to paying the three
dollars, but I wouldn't have had that val
liable jug strained after that fashion for
four dollars! WVtheUitIe Dispatch.
ssThese rubber garments are such bles-
single remarked Fat man. as he brought
into street car perfect deluge of water.
The lady at his right, who mopped one
side Of his coat with her costly dress.
agreed with him perfectly; the man at his
left, who caught about a pint of the drip
pings in his shoe, could scarcely conceal
his admiration T; while the young miss to
whom the fat man CALAMITY offered his
seat few minutes later went into perfect
ecstaciss as she sat down IN pool Of wa
ter left on the car Cleveland Sun.
A colored witness was asked if he knew
and used the Bible: He replied in the afir-
native. It afterwards appeared that the
man couldn't read. sNow SIR thunder
cd the attorney on the other side, "didn't
you swear that you used your Biblep'' Yes.
yes, sah.'' faltered the witness. 81 done
stropped my razor on it, The court de-
cided that this was equal to the general
knowledge of the Bible and was sufficient.
The cid man sighed as he took the gold
en-haired, laughing boy upon his knees.
and stroking his shining tresses said: "Ah.
how much / should like to feel like child
again. Little Johnny ceased his laughter
and looking soberly up into his GRANDPA
theirs face, remarked 'sThen why don't
you get mamma to spank you?"
What she took:
It was youth Of modest purse
Said softly unto maid:
(which would you rather tackle next,
Ice cream or lemonade?"
Across the naidens rosy cheek
Fast fits winning smile;
Heaven bless the youth mans pile
A little girl. who had been to chill
dren's party, being asked by her
mother on returning how she enjoyed
herself, answered: II am full of happiness.
I couldn't be happier unless I were to
grow.
We notice an article extensively copiet
describing certain lecturers who are afraid
Of their audiences. But no genuine SYM
pathy appears to be shown towards the
many weary, tortured audiences who ar
afraid of their lecturers.
A little four-year- old girl did not obey
when her mother first called her. So her.
mother spoke rather sharply Then She
came in and said. "Mamma, I've bee,
very kind to you to-day. and don't want
you to speak 30 large to me.'
ocene-Road leading from achurehyard
two acquaintance meeting. First &C
Observation-Disclosures yer third wife, John!
Yell sharely never think O. maerryin'
agaiR?' Second acquaintance-"Weol it
doe, I'll taxi wildly. They usually see
vie oot.''
A chap who sent us poem beginning
When dews are falling fast upon the rosy
lea," has since married Rosa Lee, and now
the weekly dues are falling faster upon
him.
IS there such thing as luck?'' asks
correspondent. There is. For instance,
II you go home at o CLOCK in the morn
ing, after promising your wife to be in ear
ly, and find her asleep, that's luck. but it
isn't to be depended on.
"a newspaper under the vest makes a
capital chest protector" Care should be
taken, however, to select a paper on which
there is nothing due. Dew creates dark
ness, and the wearer might catch cold
therefrom.
The eyes of small boy are bigger than
his stomach until he has eaten green ap-
pies. then the stomach appears to be bigger
than anything else in the world to him.
Why do elderly spinsters have predilec-
ton for parrots? Well, they have no man
about the house, and they want something
around that can swear.
A country paper speaks of man who
.sdied without the aid of PHYSICIAN, and
adds that '.such instances of death are very
rare"
It has become fashionable for young Ia
dies to take fencing lessons; at PIC mics.
where there is much climbing to do this
accomplishment ought to be very useful.
A new book Of etiquette declares that
when young man becomes intimate
enough with lady to call her darling he
is at perfect liberty to ask her if she ever
eats onions.
Aunt-"Has any one been at the pre-
serves 2" Dead silence. "Have you touch
ed them, Jimmy ?" Jimmy. with the ut
most deliberation-'sPa never lows me to
talk at dinner.''
Wesaw man yesterday who had no
advice TO give an editor regarding the
tone of bis paper. He was dead.
A man advertises: ''Hauds wanted ON
boys pants.'' Hands won't do any good
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