The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1882-03-28

''I sEE," said Mrs. Brown, "that in this
boat race the Scudamores took water first,
Poor fellowsl HOW thirsty they must
have been; but what do they put It in the
paper forS''
"1t don mean that" jerkcd out Brnwn
"Doesnt mean thatl" said Mrs. B.; ther
what does 1t mean7"
"Why," said Brown, cit means why
1t means that they were the first to take
water, that's ALL You women can never
understand anything" "The idea Of let
ling women vote!" said Brown ut the clul
that evening.
lT alters the case: Two physicians me {
on Chapel street this morning. ''4ood
morning, Doc.," said one, 'twhat max es
yon look 80 pleasant" "Oh, I don,
know. Do II Well, lost patient last
night and :" 'Iseally, that's nothing to
look pleasant about. ''Inat's unfortu-
nate for your reputation" "Rcputation
be blowcd. Had to call three times a day
| and he wasn't worth cent" "Ah, that
makes difference. Have a light?" and
the two went up the street smoking.
QUITE so: 'Uh, Mrs. Ramsbotham, u
! exclaimed learned professor. to whom
| that excellent lady had been relating one
OF her extraordinary adventures. "Oh,
Mrs. Ramsbotham, yon must be ioking!'
Indeed Pm not, rofessor," " she returned.
IL assure you was speaking quite seri
atim." She liked to talk Latin to a pro-
fcssor.
SENTIMENT on ice: How beautiful the
dome of Heaven this evening"" SAID An
:,e!;ca, az she leaLed heavily on his arm.
The stars seem to look down upon us"-.
ooh, yes" said practical John, '.lt's i'm.
possible for them to look up to us, you
tnow. They cawb't." Sudden check @
an evenings fill OF most delightful sem
imcntaity.
Its Equal Is Unknown.
cites tie case fI Of Mr. ii. Short, eG5He eSGp5rs
tor of tho Belmont Hotel, that city, who
suffered with rheumatism for seventeen
years without finding relief from any OF
the numerous remedies employed, until
he applied st. Jacobs Oil: 81 never found
any medicine that produced such remarka-
BILE and instantaneous effect as it did," says
Dir. Short.-Lyons (La.) Ma1ror.
A a1vEAwAY: Yesterday the wife Of
one of our friends returning home knocked
at her own door. Nobody coming she
rang again. Still! nobody. Finally, at q
louder, longer, ring, The valet concluded
to show himself spray, are you deaf9
said the lady. 81 beg pardon, madame -
III the valet, TRANQUILITY, "but beard
only the third ring"
II TILL you." said the canvasscr, "you
| have no idea Of the hard work there is IN
this business. 1t is either talking or walk
ing from morning until night" "I beg
your pardon" replied the victim; 'sI have
a pretty distinct idea Of the talking part of
your programme. Now please favor me
with an exhibition of the walking part. )"
The canvasser exhibited.
LIFT the cat out: Waiter: "Isn't that a
pleasant wine7" Guest: cit has a fine
flavor. The color plcases me very much. "
Waiter: 81 should smile Maybe the boss
didn't have time getting it up to the
right color. lie had to ransack all the
drug stores IN town."
EASILY satisfied: a young man in great
rage told two friends that he had lust had
bis face slapped. "na!" said the friends,
eve will rush Off and demand satlsrac
ton" "What!" he said, "a duel, tool
Not much. Don't you call having your
face slapped cnough2"
ALARM: sDear, dearl" exclaimed Mrs.
Brown, II have just been over to sec
Clara. Poor child2 She is dying Of
ennui." "Why, how you talk!" replied
Mrs. Homespun; then adding as she moved
farther away from her visitor, 'mercyl
t amt cetchin', is it2''
JOURNALISTIC comfy: IL Chicago editor
remarks: oscar Wilde gets 5000 night
for b. Ing an ass, while we remain poorl''
| And st. Louis editor retOrts: Limitations,
brother arc eften more taking than the re.l
thing"
THIS poetical license, talked about Is
never paid, Notwithstanding the general
sentiment ls that no person should be al.
lowed to make poetry without first pay
ing license to the city and State.
THE intelligent compositor left out the
letter ina paragraph about beautiful
actress, and informed the puplc that
crows 1ockcd to see her wherever she won't
"THE "bob-tail" cars must 20, saw tho
New Workers. OF course they must 20,
reply the directors, and make full time and
returns, too.
EXPRESSIVE nomenclature: jim Kcenc
Intends to call his wonderful new colt
Slander, because 1t goes 80 fast when 1t
gets started.
Down East herosm: "Evcr do anything
heroic2" said the Vermont man. II
reckon did; once went bail for a man
who wasn't worth two cents"
THoUau flattery blossoms like friend
hip, yet there is q great difference in the
fruit.
FASHION item: Among the newest things
IN stockings Is the baby's foot.
FEAR 10 far moro painful to cowarJice
than death to true courage.