The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-11-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

can never keep their Dalance IN DanK.
A horse race, like the law, must al
ways take its course
When is woman not a womanp-
When little cross.
A flush oft times comes to the most
delicate cheek, But it is not always safe
to bet ON flush every time.
There is man in Evansville, Ind, so
cross-eyed that whenever he weeps the
tears run down his back bone.
Tom Thumb is said to own a yacht.
We suppose she is sailed by Thumbs
crew.
Never put off until o-morrow the debt
you can pay to-day. Tomorrow never
comes, but your creditor does. He is as
sure as death and taxes. ~
That was philosophical scribe who
said: "a woman has to settle a mans
coffee with the white of an egg, but she
can settle his hash with look"
When you get short measure, it is not
Satan seeking your souls injury, but
the groceryman lying in weight for your
dollars and cents.
Speaking of shad. would you say the
price has gone up or has risen?" inquir-
ed & schoolboy of fishmonger. WELL y
replieG the scale scraper, speaking OF
shad, should say it had rose"
"Therer' triumphantly exclaimed a
Deadwood editor, as bullet came
through the window and shattered the
inkstand, Il knew that new personal
column would be success"
The bookkeeper of a country news
paper in Massachusetts has disappeared
taking the keys of the safe with him.
The KEYS are probably the most valua-
BILE things he could find about the place.
Little thanks are due to him who
only gives away what is of no use TO
himself" We always did entertain
that opinion of the man who would kick
another
While boring an artesian well in Bos-
ton recently, the workmen struck a
baked bean six hundred feet under the
ground. 1t is supposed to have been
placed there before the flood.
women are so contrary" said
Blobbs. Il thought when got married
my wife would darn my socks and let
nae alone; instead of that she lets my
socks alone and darns me-"
Father, who is always trying to teach
his son how to behave while at the table:
"Well, John. you see when finish eat
ing always leave the table," "Yes,
sir, and that's about all you do leave. F."
At one of the New York theaters the
other evening, between the acts the
music stopped suddenly and lady in
the audience was heard to exclaim, 1--WE
always fry ours in lard.'
BY long custom everybody in Bethle-
hem is expected to congratulate ac-
quaintances on every birthday. Imagine
whole town congratulating kitten
ish maiden lady on having entered her
forty-seventh year.
IF ever used any unkind words,
Hannah" said Mr.. Smiley, rehectively,
II take them all back ''Yes, sup
pose you want to use them all over
again." was the not very soothing re-
ply.
The guests have dined and the host
hands round case of cigars. II don't
smoke myself" he says, ''but you will
find them good-my man steals more OF
them than of any other brand 1 ever
had"
The United States army has become
sadly depleted, thirty of it's members
having deserted ''in all directions" II
thirty more should get away the army
will have to adjourn for want of q quo
rum.
Yes" said Col Mooney, 81 used %
believe everything; was the most credu-
lous fellow alive. But" he added,
EGcipna I bouyo hoI tbio or,..
throat it is hard for me to swallow any
thing"
A Louisville man under close cross
examination stated that in his judgment
the most incomprehensible thing in the
world is not q woman or the phono.
graph, but how those four aces got UP
his sleeve.
An exchange contains an article head.
ed, IAN Aged Man Dies" There il
something singular about this. 1t il
not the first case of the kind. Severa
aged men have died this year. There
must be a new epidemic going around
Not enough ozone in the atmosphere u
something.
In no city of Texas do the clocks anC
watches vary so much as they do il
Austin. The town time differs from tht
time at the jewelry stores. while railroad
time seems to regulat itself. Yester
day afternoon n gentleman with grip
sack in his hand remarked on hearing
the town clock strike 2: ''Mercifu
Moses! it is quarter past 4, and nov
the 4 o'clock train that was to go of
on left three-quarters OF an hour. ago. ,
A Californian lectured in Arizona OF
"The Invisible Police" Though tn,
effusion treated solely of the existenc.
of the soul after the death of the bod,
the cowboys in the audience were de
termined. to kill the speaker becaus
they didn't propose to have no blanke,
Californian run their city government
The word police acts on an Arizonial
as red rag does on five year old bull
"rve lost patient" said a doctor
sitting down to a boarding house Dime
table, with frown on his face as blacl
as gunpowder poultice. "a am sorr.
to hear it. Man or woman?' asked on
he die?" '.Die hang him, he's not dead
Hestoppedtaking my medicine, got well
and ran away without paying his bill.
1t is related that Secretary Evarts wa
ouce one of a party who were visitin
the Natural Bridge in Virginia. AS
usual, after tarrying at the top they dc
soended and viewed the wonder from be
low, While there the story was toll
that George Washington had once stoO
there and thrown silver dollar CON
pletely over the bridge. Some of III
party pooh-poohed the assertion. br
Mr.. Evarts gravely rebuked them, say
ing: "You forgot how much farther
dollar went in those days"
A Berks county, New York, editC
had just. finished an able and length
editorial on the Physical Degenerate
of Women" when a robust female er
tered the office, with a cartwhip in on
hand and a copy of his paper III the otI
or. AS the editor threw open q windo'
and was about to spring ont, the woma
modestly said she had drought the 10!
whip advertised in yesterdays pape
and she wanted the so cents rewar
offered