The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-07-19
COMIC COMMENTS.

Marketing item: The high price Object
is gradually drawing the yellow dog of Geor-
gla INTO the hot vortex of the bologna sau-
sage factory. At1dnta Constitution.
"A Teutonic compliment: "De picture
you hat painted is most putiful; tlere is only
Won word in de English lanekguige vich de-
scrlbes 1t and l hat vorgotten it.n
Floral; Nothing makes woman crazier
than to plant nlignonette and, whenit comes
Up, to ascertain that the scotsman put cab
oage seed into the wrong envelope. PUCK.
Cincinnati iewelry While in Cincinnati
Oscar Wilde should have stopped in first
class jewelry store and purchased an aesthetic
scarf-pin--a gold pig with diamond eyes
the emblem of pork, music and CULTURE
Norysstosca Herald,
Proud Of his corps Officer of the Prus-
sian Guards, looking at the ocean, to his
wife" Isn't this glorious sight Minnie
But the sea seems greatly agitated- proba-
PlH ea FesSE lAatare sgsaas B,ssss5
-Life-sayers: The boy who said that pins
had saved q great many peoples lives by
their not swallowing them, might now say
that the water had saved great many boys
lives this season by its being too cold to
battle in. Somerriale Journal.
Fine sermon: Mrs. A." We had a
beautiful sermon this morning, didn't we ?"
Mrs. B." Beautiful, and did you notice
Mrs. Smithson's bonnet" Mrs. A.-"No-
tee it Well, should say did IoouIdn't
keep my mind off it the whole service"
Mrs. B."Nor I, neither" ~ Boston Tran
script
"A GROWERS luck: "This is Just my
luck" said the gloomy man at the theatre.
" Here's performance going that's SO bad
it's agoni2ing to witness, and it's the first
time in six months that haven't had
woman with bath-tib hat in front of me
when I've been to the theatre. - Boston
Post
Browns eye BACKED; They were dis
eussing religious questions. Said Brown,
" tell you that if the other animals do not
exist after death, neither does man. There
is no difference between man and o beast.n
" If anybody could convince me of that it
would be you Brown replied Deacon Jones
demurely.- Boston Transcript.
All the same: A good old lady, speak
ing in prayer meeting and giving expression
to the joy and confidence she felt, said; az
feel as if | was ready this minute to fall into
the arms of Beelzebub." Abraham! You
mean Abrahamp' hastily corrected broth
or sitting near "Well, Abraham, them
was the response, F." it don't make any differ
ence, They're both good men, Troy
Times
Practical joke: Some awfully mean
scoundrel filed a grocers whiskey barrel
with rain water, and the next Monday morn
ing the Superintendent of Schools, the Pres
ident of the Temperance Alliance, and two
school teachers came round to the store, de-
nounoed the astonished grocer as swindling
thief and periured villain, and demanded
their dollar and half back again. -Burliaa-
WV 11utUHcgV.
Life in the cabin II say, mammyl
didn't yo' tell Peleg dat he mustn't go in
baNin 7" g Yo' right ded, chile Has you
been dis'beying my 'struetions Pelg 2n mo,
nanny, | hasn't clare to goodness I
hasn't been in bavin. Yo' see I put on I'M
Gle Joshs britches by mistake der smornin',
mn dere were SIGH heap O. looseness to 'em
that when I unertook ter jump ober de
brook dey dropped off an halter gum AFTER
'em. Oh, no, hasn't been bavin, NAM
my Rome Sentinel
Economy; "Ifs no use," exclaimed
Henderson at the family tea table; 1--WE
must economize. Beef and mutton are way
up, butter and eggs--everything, in fact
Meat once day is all we can afford and,
mother, you must give the children some
kind of cheap sauce to save in butter. We
must cut down expenses some way" And
Henderson then lights his fifteen-cent cigar
and sallies forth to the billiard room, putting
out matter of two or three dollars in the
course Of the evening. Boston Transcript.
Poor thing "How very chilly IL is this
morning." said Ciceley to her mother; 81
hardly know what TO wear this weather
Sealskin cloaks are not seen, and spring
wraps are not near warm enough" Gland
sakes, don't be SO particular" said her prac-
teal mother "Wear my red and black
blanket shawl. That's comfortable" "what!
and look like washerwoman ?" and the dear
girl swooned The feminine mind Is exceed
ingly sensitive when matters of dress are un-
der discussion. NeoHaeen Register.
Cruelty to burglar: st. Louis bur-
glar broke into house where a heightened
wedding had occurred, and stole the silver
ware that had been given Ms presents to the
happy couple. The next day, after he had
tried several pawnshops, he wrote an insult
ing letter to the bridegroom, accusing him
Of palming off plated ware on an inno-
cent burglar and telling him where he could
find his COMPOUNDED pot-metal in a lumber
yard The man went aud got his presents,
and he says he will whip the burglar on
sight. Milaoauhee Sun.
Psychological: "No, my daughter, )" said
o New Haven matron, ~ cannot consent to
your longer keeping company with Young
Jaykns. He had the insurance to call me
dowageress, right to my face, the other even
ing "Why, ma, that isn't anything bad
at ALL" 1t is lucky for the young man that
it is not. Had he assumed to insulate me /
would have pitched him over the banning
sters." oh, dear, ma, wish you wouldn't
mix metaphors 40, !" and both women rushed
for the dictionary to substantiate the correct
moss of their language. -New Haoen Regis-
ter.
~.-ANb---.s ~----
HIGH HEELED BOOTS.
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