Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-10-20
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BROTHER GARDNER ON POLITICIANS.
-"Bewar' of de pollytishuni If he am
black, go outer yer way to shun him. If
he ana white, lock yer doahs an load yer
shot guns"
The old man paused here to look into
his desk for piece Of slipperyelm. and
Waydown Beebe took advantage of the
opportunity to rise and inquire:
s'Does the chair refer to white man
named Seeker Jackson?"
'sYas, de Char refers to dat VERY pus-
son." replied the President. eur de las
TO- weeks he has bin de plague of my life.
I understan' dat he kalkerlates to run fur
State Senator mex fall, and he am now
tryin' to make hisself solid wild de cullud
element; an furder understan' dat he
has petishuned dis club for membership;
an dat he am buyin' rattle-boxes, tin
whistles. 'un mouth organs fur cullud ba-
bies in order to gain de esteem of der pa
rients. Gem'l lien, 1 desiah-''
At that moment the sounds of wran-
gle we're heard in the ante-room, strug-
gle took place. and the voice of Seeker
jackson was heard crying out:
':Let 60 my hair or I'll call the police
My platform is: Three dollars barrel
for flour, six hoops on BARREL and horse
and carriage to take the laboring man to
his daily toil!''
At signal from Brother Gardner, Sam
uel Shin and Giveadam Jones passed out,
and in two or three seconds after there
were sounds Of breaking glass, bump!
bump! on the stairs, and then voice float
ed up from the dark alley, saying:
.sYou can throw me down stairs every
night in the week if you want to! All 1
ask is that you vote solid for Seeker Jack
son OH election day.
''Pollyticks," softly observed thee Pres
ident, "means lynn, stealin'. cheatin',
swindlin'. 1t means degradashun. 1t
means loss Of self-respect. 1t means whis-
key, drunkenness, fghtin', stabbin', and
rollin' in de mud. Keep out of pollyticks.
Keep away from pollytishuns. If dis Seek
er Jackson attempts to enter de sacred
portals Of dis hall agin de keeper of de
password am heah-by authorized to pull
verize him an sell de pull verizashun to de
rag-man at two cents a pound. ''-Detroit
Free Press.
THE MATTER WITH THE TELEPHONE.
81 doan' know What shall do nit dot
telephone of mine" observed citizen as
he entered the headquarters Of the compa-
ny yesterday and sat down in a discouraged
way.
s'Out of order. is it?"
4.Sometimes it vhas, and sometimes it
vhas all right If 60 to speak nit der
coal man, or der City Hall, or der butcher,
it vhas all right, und can hear every
word. If somepody WANTS to order my
peer, I get de name shust as plain as day
light"
':And when does it fail?"
sVhell, shusU like two hours ago. A
saloon man he owes me SIS, und 1 rings
him oop und calls out, Hello! Hello!' l
likes dot 10 onish today Den he WANTS
to know who [ am. und he says he can't
catch der name. [ tell him oafer und
oafer, und by und by he call oud dot he
doan deal in er-melons, und dot he
goes in to pave Gratiot street, und dot le
is sorry he can't sign my betition to del
Council. Den haf to go all oafer agai.,
und he tells me to stand back, und to
come closer, und to speak louder, und at
last he gifts mad und tells me dot If Cali
him dandy again he'll proke my head.
It's no use-I can It make one of my Gus
toners hear me. If something's doan' all
my telephone, it may be ash my voice is
giving out. vhsh you would examine
me und see if had better let my son Shon
do der talking While keep der pooks. y
Detroit Free Press.
THE CONDUCTORS LITTLE JOKE
'sTicket!" said the conductor as be stop
ped in front of a Chicago man, who look
ed as if he was anchored to his seat.
The fellow addressed handed over the
required pasteboard, which was duly
punched, and looking around the conduct
or said:
"Where's your friend?"
asWhat friend? 1 have no friend.'
ssWhere's the party occupying this seat
with you?"
sI'm alone,' said he, looking somewhat
puzzled at being questioned.
.sThen, what are you doing with two va
lises?"
1.-Two valises! why, havn't any, at
the same time moving his feet with exer-
ton.
"Oh! excuse me,' said the conductor,
and as he pressed out Of the car he was
heard to remark:
:.The biggest feet / ever saw. ''-iSam
francisco EXCHANGE.
An lrishman took Yankee friend to
church with him ON Christmas day. The
music was magnificent and the decorations
gorgeous. On their way out of church he
asked the Yankee how he liked it. why,
it beats the devil ~ said the downeaster.
That's the Intention" dryly remarked
the gentleman from Tlpperary.
.sYes,D said Denver editor, II think
I must have got out very readable paper
this morning. have been licked by three
prominent citizens to day, another chased
me with dogs and gun, and the police
had hard work to keep mob from wreck
ing my Office.