Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-04-21
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A FLUcTUATINa CHURCH MEMBER
One day in the years agone a stranger
arrived 1t Dearborn, in this county, and
inquired for citizen, commonly known
as Uncle Ike. The old man was soon
found in grocery, and after usual show
de-do" the stranger said
s'Do address Uncle Ike Barlowp''
"You dew" was the reply.
swell, my name is Thornburn, of Ann
Arbor.'
"Jess so.''
''They tell me that you are great horse
tradsr.''
'.Wall, I dew make a trade now and
then. What ye got?''
s'I've got horse bought on purpose
to trade with you. Let us first understand
each other. You're a member of the
church?n
eyes; expect to be-"
''Then of course I shall expect you to be
honest with me. I've been looking at
your old nag over there by the post How
old is he?''
"That ERE hoss,'' slowly replied Uncle
Ike, as he puckered his lips and squinted
his left eye-''let's see! Wall, now quite
forgit whether he's nine or ten"
''Uncle Ike, isn't that horse all Of 20
years old? Come, now, as member of
church, give me an honest answer
sLook a-here, mister said the old man,
after strong gaze at the stranger, II new
or trade horses but one way"
Chow IS that?'
"When l m buying boss I'm purity
good member Of the church. When Pm
selling boss I reckon on skipping about
two prayer meetings. Now stranger, that's
me, and if you come to trade bosses IN.
reckon shat Matthew. Mark, Luke Oh John
to come right down and give away the ring
bones Of his own animile !''-Detroit Fire
Pres.
A negro prayed earnestly that he and
his cslored brethren might be preserved
from their 'supsetting" sins. ''Brudder,"
said one of his friends at the close of the
meeting, ''you haint got de hang OBJ dat
ar word. It's 'besettin' not upsettin. .
Brudder,' replied the other, ''if dat's SO,
it's so. But was prayin' de Lord to ease
us from de sin OBJ 'toxication, an eff DAT
ain an upsettin sin l dunno know what
ann
She was Boston woman; tall, thin with
fol md vic her
sat her husband, a little, meek, demure-
looking man, who seemed incapable Of
boldness Of speech or action. Presently a
guest at the other end OF tie table bawled
out at the top of his voice, Nv alter fetch
the vinegar cluet." Then the demurt-
looking little man turned to her and said.
'sDovey. somebody wants YOU
An Austin (Texas) clergyman, whose
name we suppress on account Of his sacred
calling, was absorbed in thought few
SUNDAYS ago, just before diYine service b.
gan, when he was approached by the Or
ganist, who asked, referring to tue hymn;
~ hat shall play?" "What kind of
hand have you got?" responded the alb
sent-minded clergyman.
s'Ma,'' said thoughtful boy, I don't
think Solomon was 80 rich as they say he
vas" "WhY, my dear, what could have
put that into your head?" "WIy, the BIZ
bic says he SLEPT with his father, and l
think if he had been SO rich he could have
had bed of his own.'
There's nothing like settling down.
said the retired merchant confidantially TO
his neighbor. .'When gave up business
settled down and found l bad quite a
comfortable fortune. If | had settled up
should not have had cent?
''What made the mule kick your" they
asked gentleman who had been sent fly
ing through the roof Of a barn. And he
answered: 'Do you think l was fool
enough to go back and ask him.
What is the difference between a fool
and looking glass? The fool speaks
without rejecting and the looking glass
reflects without speaking.
Jones thinks the man is fortunate who
has his will contested after his death only.
He says his will has been contested every
since he welded Mrs. J.
One can't be too careful of firearms. A
boy carried pistol in his coat pocket. and
one day while he was swimming. the pIs.
toll Unexpectedly went off. He has not
suspicioned as to who took it.
An advertisements reads: sWanted-a
young man to be partly out door and part
~ bshind the counter" and the Cleveland
Leader asks "What shall be the re-
suit when the door opens.
A man with a felon on his hand is en-
titled to sympathy. How much more the
keeper Of the State Prison, who has great
many.
A landlady was complaining that she
couldn't make both ends meet. "Well.,'
said boarder, why not make one yege-
tables?"
The truly humane man is the individ.
ual who chloroforms an oyster before
opening it.
When you marry you fondly expect to
gee the end to all your troubles. but you