South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1882-09-22

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'Faiih it's meself I'll loik 10 see
there !! was the rctort.
The way that woman lately idepti-
ned her stolen parrot was by bringing
her husband Into court and scolding
him. The bird soon called out. oh,
wish you we're dead. old womsn!'
Mrs. Miffin,' said n visitor. 'Emma
has your features, but think she's got
her fathers hair
oh. now see,' said the dear little
Emma; it's because I've papas hair
that lie has to wear wig!
An ABUSED WIFE.-A melancholy
woman with painful! expression about
the corner Of her mouth applied TO Col.
Sam Sludder, an Austin lawyer for
divorce.
What are your grounds for divorce
My husband gets drunk all the
time; It's dreadful for q hard working
woman like myself TO have a drunken
husband
i suppose yon have witnesses who
know he drinks to excess?
Witnesses Well should say so.
can prove his drunkenness by Kim
SELF
'Of course you have frequently seen
him in an intoxicated condition.
why L have to GO TO the grocery all
day long and bring him one bottle af-
ter another. Some days 1 bring him
half dozen bottles in one day.
Good heavens. Does he drink tina.
much whiskey? No wonder you want
DIVORCE
The woman looked around to see
that nobody was listening, and then
she SAID in confidential whisper:
he don't get all of it. You see
drink about two thirds of the bottle be-
fore give it to him, and then / fill il
up with water. If it wasn't for that I
couldn't live with him another day. /
just couldn't stand it.
This comes to the Drawer from away
down in Maine:
Doctor whose belief in the future
accords with that of Colonel Robe,t
lhgeisoii' had occasion recently to per-.
form surgical operation upon a man
who was iliiterate aud not select in bis
language. After etherizins his patient.
The operation was successfully perform
ed. When the effect of the ether had
passed off. the subject, looking wildly
around the room, exclaimed, where
an ~
The doctor replied, ooh you are all
right
But said the man. 'it may be all
right, but where am ~
The doctor answered, jocularly. In
heaven
The patient responded, If that's so
I'd like to know what you arc doing
here !'-Harper'S Mogoaine.
JUsT JUDeE.-'How far were YOU
sLaAeiing from the prisoner when he fir.
ed4he shot p asked lawyer of wit
Seventeen feet, nine inches and
quarter
How long before the policeman ar
rested him =
'Thirty.tw minutes and eight Sc
conds.'
Where did the prisoner throw hi.
pistol p
Behind an ash barrel, two inches and
n half from an oyster can
How far did you say you wore stand
in p
Seventeen feet. nine inches and
quarter, | told you
Did | understand you TO say tbat he
threw his pistol behind an ash barrel, |
two inches and quarter from an oys-
ter can 2
i said two inches aud half
yes, wcl----'
well nothing, exclaimed tic witness,
= am going TO whale you right here.
Judge the Arkansaw lawyers have been
imposing on witnesses long enough, and |
that ] might have foundation for the
step which am about 10 take. made
minute measurement at the time Of the I
difficulty, Now, ia Justice TO down
trodden witnesses | ask the privilege
Of whaling this lawyer.
Ihe permission was granted, and for
lie" moments the = oceedugs in the
court room we're Of thrilling interest. It
IS said that the Judge will be re-elected
by an overwhelming Inajority.-Arkan.
saw 7raCclcr.