News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-05-25
WIT AND WISDOM.

The time for young people to spoon
in earnest is when the ice cream season
SITS in.
Why would coal dealers make good
lawyers? Because they know ali about
coke and little ton.
ADVICE to wives-Man is very much
like an egg-keep him in hot water and
he is bound to become hardened.
A sIGN-BoARD in Switzerland reads
''Repairs hung with stagc-coach." It
means, repairs executed with diligence.
The smallpox is prevailing in the
City of Mexico, but as most Of the Mex
leans have already had the small pox, it
is only the foreign residents who are to
be pitted.
"I WISH you would pay little atten-
ton to what 1 am saying, sir - roared
a lawyer at an exasperating witness.
Sc am paying as little as 1 can" was
the calm reply.
STORIES for children used to begin:
"Once upon O time there lived.
Now they begin: vengeance, blood,
death, shouted Rattlesnake Jim," or
words to that effect.
IF YOU only had an iron jay you could
get $45 per week travelling with a circus
this season. If you only had q brass
cheek you could get more than that
travelling for wholesale house.
THERE IS no difference between
knowledge and temperance for he who
knows what is good and embraces it,
who knows what is bad and aYoidsit, is
learned and temperate. e.-Socrates.
SECRETARY Hunt was asked if he was
not afraid to go to Russia on account
of the uncomfortable and universal
presence of dynamite and Nihilists. ~
am not afraid of the dynamite if they
only give me enough of dine him out"
was the quick reply, followed by q
shout of laughter.
"DIDN'T you tell me, sir, you could
hold the plow ?" said farmer to green
Irishman, whom he had taken on trial.
"Arrah be aisy now, said Pat; chow
the deuce can hould it and two horses
drawing it away from me? but give it
to me into the barn, and, be jabers, I'll
hould it with anybody"
SOME ladies, belonging to his native
town, came to James Fisk, Jr., for a
subscription to build fence around
the graveyard. He emphatically re-
fused to give anything toward it, his
reason being that those who were in
could not get out, and those who were
out did not want to get in.
TIE following composition was pre-
pared by a school boy, who knows moth
ing of Wall street: 'rThe peg is thing
to hang our things on, to keep them
from falling. 1t can easily be broken,
but can be pulled out at any time. If
anything Is hanging on the peg when
it is pulled out that thing falls down."
ONLY about one out of fifteen of the
American girls who go abroad to become
great singers or painters are ever heard
of after returning home. The other
fourteen marry italian counts, and
when night comes are too busy taking
care of the monkeys and mending
tamborines to hunt up their old ac-
qaaintances.
QUITE TOO FARFUL- -Aberdonian mis-
tress ''Far is't ye come frae, Fanny 2"
Servant "Farfar" Mistress: "Far
c. ,-SL
''Farfar, say, far far I rnischt say
far far, for I'm faur far-er AVA frOe't
than I fancy" Mistress "Farfar ?
Far far ? Faur far-er? oh, L see For
far ~
A MINISTER had occasion one Sab
bath to supply the pulpit of a neigh
boring brother, whose wife was distin-
guished for her extreme parsimony. On
being asked next morning by the hos
pitable lady of the manse it he would
eat an egg for breakfast, he replede
eyes, madam, / always eat one when I
cannot get two."
TIE printer was setting up poem,
and when he came to "Why should base
fiends," etc., he inserted "ball' after
"base." He was a spectator at base
ball match the day before and nearly
had his left ear amputated by hot
ball-hence the henceness OF his adding
the word. NorristoaOn Herald.
THERE is story told of a very con-
sequential head waiter who, observing
a man tie his napkin around his neck
preparatory to commencing his meal,
went up to him and said: ''Yeu have
made mistake, sir this isn't barber
shop" 1t was very good rebuke, but
it cost the head waiter his situation.
A CROWD of jewellers were in tavern.
They were all very much exhilarated
and were having boisterous time when
they noticed there was man in the
room who did not belong to their crowd.
One of the jewellers went to the tavern
keeper and told him to have that man
put out, giving as an excuse that he was
making himeelf disagreeable. "How
SO p asked the landlord. "Well, you
see he is perfectly sober, and that makes
MS feel uncomfortable. "-Ieras Slit
irgS.
WHEN John Russell Young was man
aging editor of the paper founded by
Horace Greeley" composition, who
had set up some of Young's copy in
particularly slovenly manner, received
a note from the future Minister to
China, stating that blacksmiths in Kan
sas were receiving dollar and fifty
cents per day, and he advised the typo
to go West. Not in the least daunted,
the compositor replied to Mr.. Young
informing him that good night-schools
were then in session, and gave the loca-
ton of the one nearest to j. r. US
residence.
PLANTATION PROVERBS.
Folks ought to talk bout dc neigh