The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1882-01-24
EXPERT SPOOPENDYKE.
A Marital Dialogue Upon the Wit
nesses in the Guitcau Case.
BROOKLYN Eagle:

Brooklyn Eagle.
"My deal" said Mrs. Spoopendyke
as she wiped the corner OF the haby's
mouth and curled up roll eD the top of
it's head. "why don't you go and be an
expert ?"
Expert in what ?" demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke dropping his paper, What
kind of an expe!t2"
Don't you .know2 An expert who
goes to court and yells right out what
he thinks OF Hypothetical questions and
knows by.the.almanac just when man
Is crazy and when he isn't
Anything particular the matter with
your head this trip ?" roared Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. .'Been reading some old cook
hook latelyp What're you talking about2.
What dress pattern have you got hold of
now?"
81 was reading about Mr.. Guiteau,"
replied Mrs Spoopendyke, sand /
thought how much better it must be to
be an expert than to know anything
about the case. That's why l asked.
If man knows anything they always
prove that he don't, but il he is an ex-
pert he just swears that man who both
ers him is crazy, and that ends it."
81 s'pose you think I've bad so much
experience in idiocy at home that could
make fortune as an expert" spattered
Mr.. Snoopendyke. Il tell you they are
all intelligent men. They make up their
minds and swear to their opinions ac-
cording to Law. When the Revised
Statutes at large provide for me as an
expert, as they provide for idiots, lara-
tics, habitnal drunksrls, and married
women, I'll 60 into TIE business" and
Mr. Spoopendyke winked at himself
triumphsntly as be thought over the last
shot.
"Well,". rejoined Mrs. Spoopendyke,
bridling indignantly, ''if the Revised
Statutes provide in that way, they ought
to be shut up They've no business at
large. / didn't know that these experts
were legalized. l supposed they just
went there to help their friends along"
"No they don't, either" retorted Mr..
Spoopendyke. "They 60 to swear
whether the man is insane or not
"But what do :hey want to drown him
for 2' argued Mrs. Spoopendyke. There
they were all talking at once and getting
along pleasantly, when all of sudden
Mr.. Porkhill and Colonel Corker and
Mr.. Savage threw Mr.. Guiteau into the
dock"
drown your grandmother's hind
LEG % howlei Mr.. Spoopendyke. "What
d'yc think law dock isl Got notion
it's measly pond with green scum on
top Of itp S'pose it's two-inch mud
puddle with fence around it,and a con-
gressiouaI appropriation to make it nav
igable2 It's a pen, tel ye; railed
off pen in the courtroom, where they
pat prisoners! Guitean bothered the
experts so that they had to put him in
the pen. Think you understand il
now2"
"Of course" assented Mrs. Spoopen'
dyke; "but why didn't tney put Mr.
Scoyille and Mr.. Reed there, too2 They
are trying to bother the experts just as
Guiteau did. Tney won't let the poor
men alone"
Don't you know the difference be-
tween a LAWYER and a criminas ?" ripped
Mr. Spoopendyke, "or is that too fine
distinction for your Reed and Scoville
are defending Guiteau. Porter aud
Corkhill and Davidge are prosecuting
him. or course his lawyer will cross.
examine the witnesses against him. But
irs no use to explain anything to you.
81 understand that much,'' returned
Mrs. Spoopeudyke, "but | don't under
stand what Judge Cox means by pitch
ing into the lawyers and overriding theil
questions. The first he knows, the ex'
oerts will swear that he is asymmetrical
and then he'll be put in the dock with
1 Guiteau, where it will 90 hard with him
I tell you, Judge can't be too careful
how he behaves and Mrs. Spoopendykt
pinned the ba5y's skirts around its legs
and smoothed out its dress.
"Wow!" yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke, un
able for an instant to throw his feelings
. into any coherent form of speech
you've struck it! You're a whole bar
rel of canned judiciary! All you wan
, now is red label on your back and
, some marginal notes to be dod- -gastet
library. II you'd change assistant
, once a month, and win four cases durins
one term of office, you'd only need thre
deodands and plug to be district at
torney. You've got the idea! There:
nothing more to be said on either side
Give you q black petticoat with sleeve
to it and wart on your nose, and you't
, only want a restaurant in the basemen
and a lounge up stairs to be United
States Supreme Court! What dive thin
: Judge is tor2 A substitute2 Thinl
he sits around to ease the prisoner, turl
and turn about2 Got some kind of al
idea that he is dod-gasted work on Ell
ouette, with notified leaves and yello5
binding, and Tommy from Fanny on tn
e ay2 / tell you he presides! And any
q body but half-witted woman, who did
t MT think with her heels and reason wit
} the rat-holes next door wouldn't need t.
q be told OF it more times than she make
y a measly idiot Of herself"
"If he presides it's all right" reJoine
Mrs Spoopendyke with sigh OF relic
"but got the idea that he went there t
feel the public sentiment, aud then sa
these we're his views, and he was onl
helping the prosecution to see the erro
of Guiteau's ways before his conduC
was snapped up and used against him
Mr.. Spoopendyke threw off his cotf
ing solemnly, fred the pieces iuto diffel
ent corners, and waded into bed with h
a stern reflection that ''some people on
.y needed side whiskers and note bao
OF full of bad lectures on repealed statut
s. to be modern law school!
e. 81 don't care," nuttered Mrs. Spoo
er endyke. 81 like those experts, and
he wish my husband would 60 into the b
Ie siness. They may rot hang MIR, Gu
eau, but they'll find the jury insane. al
to Mr.. Porter will have to look up sol
p- other kind of a job, for this trial ca
,ty last forever"
,e. With which satisfactory solution
ofI the national complication Mrs. Spoop
nd dyke undressed the baby, dropping
ZEN pins where Mr.. Spoopeudyke would
the sure to fnd them the moment be stepI
out OF bed in the morning.