The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1882-07-28
WIT AND HUM0R.


minds us of the time when the children
of Israel made calf of pure gold.
Sensible to the last, the dying cobbler
folded his hands and murmurcd: "lfs
awl up! I'm pegging out?'
A man never looks SO much like a
red-handed villain as when he is told by
the photographer to ''look pleasant"
The high price of beef is gradually
drawing the yellow dog into the hot
vortex of the bologna sausage factory.
In charity it may be better to give
than to receive, but in kissing it is about
equal.
IF there was war;" says an old
soldier, IL think there would be consid-
cradle fear and trepidation in the ranks
of play soldiers"
"We're in a pickle now" said man
in a crowd. "a regular JAM" said an
other. Heaven preserve us?' mourned
an old lady.
Sophronia: What is philosophy"
1t is something that enables rich man
to say there is no disgrace in being
poor.
Hibernian (after attentiyely survey
ing tourists bicycle)-"Arrah now, an
sure that little wheel will niver kape up
with the big wan, ut all, ut air.
One reason why a tame alligator at
Savannah is let alone is because of a
sign reading: Idiots will please stir
him up"
.Does poultry pay?" asked stranger
of city dealer. "Of course" was the
reply, '.even the little chickens shell
out"
The Boston Commercial Bulletin says
that Oscar Wilde was the first to dis
cover that there are greenbacks to sun
flowers"
Buffalo Bill has made nearly 800, 900
this season. A PREDETERMINED hat,
long hair, and fancy-topped boots pay
as well as brains in some professions.
A Wisconsin man is under arrest for
biting the lobe of his wife's ear of. His
defense that he was only in fun is too
thin for the size of the ear.
Arab Bey's temper is truly awful
Egypt has seen no such display of I'M
seemly passion since Mrs. Potiphar tore
off Joseph's coat-tail.
An exchange has an article headed,
"Get Hold Of Boys Heart" Bah!
The place to get hold of boy is the
scruff Of the neck.
French women have seven grades of
mourning. The seventh, which is for
second cousins, also answers for balls
and parties. 1t is happy combination.
That's what beats me-" remarked a
boy as he passed a pile of shingles
Boston Star. Sand that's where l
catch it." remarked the small boy as he
sat down on banana peel.
"Seven thousand dollars worth of
whisky in five days for one Congress
looks large, know" remarked the hon
orable member, "but then, what's
quart of rum among One?"
An axiom illustrated: There is no
evil without its compensation" said the
young man; 1.-THE shorter the summer
the less interest there will be to pay on
the ulster"
A correspondent writes to ask us if
wool is q sure investment. No, it is not.
The southern people had millions in
vested in wool, and they lost every
scent of it.
A cOuntryman walking along the
streets of a town found his progress
stopped by close barricade of timber.
what is that for?" he asked of a per-.
son in the street. "Oh, that's to stop
the cholera" "Ah, I've often heard of
board Of health, but never saw ono
BEFORE"
Musical Maiden-"I hope I am not
boring you, playing so much?' Enam-
ored Youth-"Oh, no! Pray 90 on!
I'D so much sooner hear you play
than talk. "-Punch.
Edison has dropped his electric light,
and is now experimenting to sec If
cow cannot be made to give ice cream
by wrapping her in CONCEALED water be-
fore milking.
Physiology: '.Mother. what have
people got noses fOr?" asked an Austin
child of her mother who had seen better
days. TO turn up at poor folks, my
child" was the cynical response.
Queen Victoria has great dignity on
state occasions, land looks every inch
q queen" She has been a queen so
long that she ought by this time to bear
faint resemblance to one.
She decorated her room with bric-a-
brac and pictures, and placed her hus-
bands photo on the topmost nail. Then
she sat down to admire her work, and
blissfully remarked, "Now everything
is lovely, and the goose hangs hight!
"Violet, dearest, do you play that
tune often?" asked Hugh MontressOr of
his afiianced. "Yes, pet. and when we
are married I'll play it all the time."-
Then Hugh went out and shuddered
himself to death.
A fond wife presented her husband
with beautiful suit of blue cloth as
New Years gift. She was looking at
him one day, when it struck her that
the cloth was fading. Said she: THAT
suit don't look near as blue as when you
got it." THAT is strange, for l feel
bluer than ever in it since got the bill,
l assure you. l changed color as soon
as saw it."
We remember once recording the fact
that little boy said that soda water
tastes like your foot's asleep; but now
comes a lad who says that Weiss beer
is thawed sand paper. This reminds us
of q Yankee on the Pacific Ocean, who
for the first time got mouthful Of
Chill peppers. When the tears dropped,
he gasped, ..For the love of Heaven, no
more pins and needles on toast"
mo one has right to find fault with
another unless he credits him with his
good qualities, otherwise it would be
keeping books of debt without credit"
said Deacon Solum to Dan Pelter, both
residents of lively little town in Maine.
''Wall. then, Deacon" answered Dan,
"rl give We credit fur bein' good
smoker. and I'll then hev a right ter
charge We with borrerin' too much ter
hacker of from me-"
..Is this the place." she asked, as she
wandered down by the Fairmont dam,
'where ayoung lady-a beautiful young
lady-fell into the water last season,
and was rescued by gallant young
man, whom she afterward married?"
He looked at her carefully, estimated
her ut a square forty-seven, with false
teeth, and said, "Yes, ma am; but don't
know how to SWIM"
Economy: at is no use," exclaimed
Henderson, at the family tea table; "we
must econOmize. Beef and mutton are
way up, butter and eggs-everything, in
fact. Meat once day is all we can af-
ford; and, mother, you must give the
children some kind of cheap sauce to
save in butter. We must cut down ex-
penses some way" And Henderson
then lights his Is cent cigar and sallies
forth to the billiard room, putting out q
matter of two or three dollars in the
course of the evening.-Boston Tran
ScriDt