The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-12-23

Children are like boils. Everybody
knows how to take care of those that
belong to other people.
My first supports the ministers, my
second the doctors, my whole the school
master.-P Pupil (pew-pWy.
The difference between sugar plum
and fat woman on roller skates is one
that slips down easy, while the other
slips down hard.
Mncc-pie season Is here, and those
who can afford it will now dream OF
elephants with four trunks and mules
with illuminated heads.
Herbert Spencer's version of the pop
ular phrase, "Give us rest"-'1t is
time to preach the gospel of relaxa-
ton"
There are twenty-four systems OF
shorthand, but the short-handedest
man nowadays is the republican who
has paid his debts.
A French physician says that raw
oysters and chicken soup will nourish
any girl through at least six disappoint-
ments in love.
A jeweler advertises that he has some
precious stones for disposal, adding that
'they sparkle like the tears of a young
widow"
1t is perfectly safe to compliment a
woman upon her chiselled features, but
she would hardly like it to be told that
her head was turned.
If the fire of love should consume a
maiden's heart, we presume the aver
age insurance agent would account for
it on the ground Of q defective flue. "
We are glad that the ladies are learn
ing 80 generally to play the violin, be-
cause in that case they are liable to use
a chin-rest.
The Englishman who said that liquor
had been the horrid-gin of all his trou-
bles has been spirited away,as he richly
deserves to have been.
The reason that aesthetics so admire
the stork is that he can stand for hours
on one leg ami look as though he didn't
know anything and didn't want to.
A juryman was asked if the Judge
had charged him. Faith" said he,
1.-THE man lectured us a good deal, but
don't believe he meant to charge for
it,
Upon writer exclaiming that his
works contained much flood for
thought q friend remarked: That
may be so; but it is wretchedly cook
ed
Gov. Stevens wants to be called
"Mster." Thomas Jefferson wanted to
be called Tom" Colonel Mooney
wants to called when he has four sew
ems.
Professor in psychology-"Can We
conceive of anything as being out of
time and still occupying spacer' Medi-
cal student (thoughtfully)-"Yes, sir;
a poor singer in a chorus
An intelligent farmer being asked if
his horses were well matched, replied:
YES; they are matched first-rate, one
of them is willing to do all the work,
and the other is willing that he should"
The mean velocity of gyration in
tornado is discovered to be ia metres
in second, but n Blue Island avenue
girl waltzing can give it three laps and
beat it.
A Danville, Ky, preacher is endeav-
oring to get up boom in the matri-
monial market by Offering to marry
couples from the rural districts at two
bushels of corn per knot tied.
"Are churches practical?" asks the
New York Tribune. Well, they seem
to be. They contrive to get money out
of the tight-iisted old curmudgeons who
dodge the tax collector.
The Spencerian mode of expression is
very fashionable Just now, and you
must not speak of a person as lazy;
you must simply insinuate that he is
''conttutionally inert
Said the rich and quiet-loving citi-
zen; al a man bores me and L don't
like him and want him TO keep away
from me. don't snub him. | just lend
him fire dollars"
Feed Me With Your Eyes is the
title of a new song. Rather light diet
for man who works sixteen hours a
day and amuses the baby the remain
der of the time.
American women are dying off for
want of exercise. Can anything be
done?' asked an exchange. Yes; make
it illegal to have more than one milli-
merry store on one block.
The average American workman is
not much of snob. but if he chances
TO invent some valuable piece of ma
chinery he is apt to pay good deal of
to royalty"
Among the amusemen,s in some of
the Paris salons is to bet upon the color
of the neckties, waistcoats. mustaches
and dresses of those entering the room.
One youth is stated to have lost four
hundred dollars on dark moustaches.
England has statistics showing that
out of lS9. li3 of her people engaged in