St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1882-07-07
SquibS.

IL
highest thing he could find to aim at.
Philadelphia Chronicle-H Herald.
A Boston paper tells of neighbors
that borrow creamery butter and pay
in OleOmargarine.
A quack doctor heads his advertise
ment "Ho all ye dyspeptics !" That's
Just what dyspeptics won't do. If they
would all hoe vigorously they might
not need any medicine.
A gentleman saw an advertisement
that cure for dyspepsia might be had
by sending postage stamp to the ad-
vertiser. He sent his stamp, and the
answer was: ''Dig in your garden and
let whisky alone"
Examiner-Well, sir, we will now
suppose you have been called to
attend a patient who has taken n pow
erful dose of arsenic. What would
You advise giving him ? NJ. ID. lem
bryo)-The last sacraments, sir.
Some years ago, at n public dinner,
Il Dutchman just from Holland was
one of the company, and during the ban
quet he paid so much attention to a
roasted suckingpig Immediately in
front of his plate that he devoured the
entire animal. As he finished the last
morsel, unctuOus and savOry, bust
ling waiter asked him what he would
like to be helped to next. "Oh," re-
piled the feeder, "I'll dank you for
more of dem leetle hols !"
Has it ever occurred to base ball men
that milk pitcher is generally good
fly catcher
Little John Fizzletop was page in
the legislature when it was in session
here in Austin, and his conversation
has had Il political flavor ever since.
esterday, for instance, he asked his
mother: cam | to get Il second piece
of pie after get through with this ?"
''lndeed you are not" "Then, Mrs.
Speaker, in this case, the sooner there
is a change in the administration the
better for the material interests of the
country Texas Siftings.
81 need not ask if you are familiar
with the works of Emerson said Il
nice young man to nice young lady.
She said 81 am not so very familiar
but my little brother has his song-book.
Now, do you know thought Emerson
was in California with a minstrel COM
pany of his own until heard he died
in Boston the other day. New Or
leans Picayune.
Spring trousers are so attenuated in
style that when a young man of this
period sits down in them he will wish
that he had stood up and saved rent
Elmira Telegram.
Bless my stars ~ said Mrs. Penny
packer. Didn't you know what the
Vacuum is? The Vacuum is where
the pope keeps his bulls."-[Quiz.
A northern man writes us to know if
there is really Greenback party in
| Texas. Why, certainly, there is. We
are reminded of the gentleman who
asked German neighbor if a certain
man was in: Yes, he ish in, put he
ish ted."- Texas Siftings.
A st. Louis editor accidentally re-
ceived in his morning mail proof sheets
intended for the employees of a relig-
lous publication house, and, after CLAN
cling over them, rushed to the city edi-
tor, yelling: "Why in the world
didn't you get report of that big
| flood Even that slow old religious
paper across the way is ahead of YOU
Send out yOur force for full particulars
only one family saved. Interview
the old man. His name is H. In
dependent.
A lady whose husband was the cham
pion snOrer of the community in which
they resided, confded to female
friend the following painful intelli-
Sence ''My life has not been one of
unallOyed delight. | have had the
measles, the chicken poX, the typhoid
fever and nfiammatory rheumatism,
but never knew what real misfortune
was until | married burglar ALARM
A little five-years-old boy was being
instructed i'll morals by his grandmoth-
er. The old lady told him that such
terms as ''by golly," ''by jingo," "by
thunder" etc, were only Oaths and
but little better than other profanities.
"Well then, grandmother said the
little hopeful, ''is 'by telegraph which
| see in the papers, swearing ?" "No,"
said the old lady, ''that's only lying"
- Rome Sentinel.
We were talking with a lady recent
ly, and, speaking of her son, she men
toned with pardOnable mOtherly pride
that Charles read nothing but scientific
works now. In a subsequent CONVEX
sation with Charles it was discovered
that the scientific works in which he
was so much Interested were written
by one by Jules Verne. His mother
sees in Charles IA prospective Newton,
and is happy Boston Transcript.
; FHeart disease" said Jennie, as he
assisted Patrick to end up a barrel of
e cement, "heart disease is one of the
worst of diseases. Some people never
t know they have it till they dhrOp down
= dead" "Thrue for You Jennie" re
piled Patrick; "and those people who
know that they have it have to be
mOighty careful wild themselves. |
knew a man wonst that had it, and he
f was always obliged to drop work about
e five minutes before he felt it coming
on SOmerville journal.
When DR.. Chaplin was dining at a
hotel he was served with what was
called barley soup on the bill Of fare.
"This is not barley SOUP" said he to
the waiter, 'it is barely soup" On
another occasion, while travelling in
/, the South with his wife, who was I'M
commonly dark-complexioned, he ad-
"dressed an old colored man as ''uncle'
GLOW happens it, said his wife rO-
guishly, ''that that coIored man is your
uncle ?" ale is my uncle by marriage,
| suppose" He once asked his daugh-
ter, who was also "a pronounced bru-
nette, and very small, "Marion, why
are you like a certain Boston book pub
|, fishing house g' 81 give it up, father" "
said she. "Because you are little and
: brown" was the answer.
/, Rrudder Garduaric vieUs nn fhe