The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-12-07
WIT AND HUMOR.
The mouth of gossip. like drug store,

good example OF ''plain English"
What are the dimensions of little
elbow room?
A girl in Providence, 131 years old,
has just been married. Very few girls
can be brought to cut off their ice-cream
at that age.
Women are not allowed to be out on
the streets of Chicago after ten o'clock
at night. After that hour the men want
the whole street to themselves-and
they take it.
We cannot understand why there
should be so much talk about the de-
cline of American shipping, when it is n
well-known fact that there is always a
boom in ships.
1t has been suggested that Thanks
giving day in the future be held on the
18th of October, the anniversary of the
discovery of America by Columbus.
We kick. Turkeys are not ripe so early.
Those editors who want vests abolish
ed as useless are very short-sighted.
Where would literary men and others
snf sedQntary occupations get patches for
their trhusers if there were no vestsp
The ballot wasn't known at the time
the old man there is every reason to be-
lieve that if it had been, he wouldn't t
have worked much evenings on the ark.
A voter deficient in beauty said to a
candidate, II mean to withdraw my
countenance from you, SIR MANY
thanks for the favor" replied the can
didate, ''for it's the ugliest mug ever
saw"
A correspondent writes: There are
ground squirrels, ground mice, ground
hogs, ETC., but see no mention in any
of my books of a ground dog. Is there
such an animalp" Inquire at a sausage
factory.
What providential thing it is that,
as a general rule, by the time the eldest
girl gets old enough to have beau the
Youngest child is old enough to sleep
quietly. A cross baby yelling up stairs
would be a fearful damper on court
ship.
Pedestrian, who had dropped a pen.
ny in front of "a poor, blind man.
''Why, you humbug, you're not blind"
Beggar-'.Not /, sir. If the card says
am, they must have given me the
wrong one. I'm deaf and dumb"
Boston transcript. h
Slang is dangerous language. Recent
ly, when handsome young wife went
to hardware store to get one of those
wooden contrivances to mash potatoes
and said 81 want masher," every mar
in the shop, from the boss to the office
boy, started to wait on her.
Another Fifth avenue youth has com
mitted suicide. He had acquired Eng
ish side whiskers, English slang, Eng
Iish clothes and English manners, YET
the other night right before whole
company some garrulous old men told
that his ancestors came over in the May.
flower.
A lad who had been bathing was in
the act of dressing himself, when one o.
his shoes rolled down the rock and dis
appeared in the water. In attempting
to rescue it he lost the other one also
whereupon, contemplating his feet with
most melancholy expression, he apos
trophized: '.Well. you're nice pair ot
orphans, amt you"'
There lives an old gentleman who i:
famous for the soiled condition of his
linen. An old friend, who had been
looking fixedly at the bosom of the old
gentleman's shirt, spoke out thus: 81
say, major, I've known you for the last
twenty years, and there is something
about you that has puzzled me very
much. I would like to ask you about il
if you have no objection. l hope you
won't get madP'' ''Well, no; Ireckor
rot" "Well. then. major, do tell Inc
who wears your shirts before they gel
dirtyP''
The editor of the Latest NeWs, a paper
published at Juda, Wis, had his leg
broke by safe which be was getting
into his Office falling on him. If editors
would use a soap box, with leather
hinges to the cover, with a wooden but
ton to faSten it, they would not get hurt,
and their valuables would be just as
safe as in an iron safe.
An Arkansas woman knocked down
her husbands gun and was killed. One
of the neighbors speaking about the sad
affair, said: ''That was indeed sad
affair. You can never replace her"
YES" replied the husband, taking two
of his children onto his lap, ''but there 5
one consolation. That old gun has never
failed to kill yit."
Plantation philosophy: Eff de Lord
shortens de lives oh dem what he loves.
it is great pity dat he amt fell in love
wild de man what always has his pocket
full OBJ political figures. Ell yer want to
make a oman mad an appear pleased,
tell her oh fault; but ef yer wanster
make her pleased an appear mad. tell
her dat she's good lookin'.
Scene in Court-'.Now, Mr.. Blank,
you say that on that day, at noon, you
L.. I.
furious pace, and you have given us a
Please tell us what was the color of the
horse" 81 do not remember" swell,
was the woman white or blackP' 81
did not notice; she went so fast that
only had time to see how she was
dressed" 49,. .-. r....
An old negro professed to be indiffer-
ent as to future state, believing that
''dey'll make niggers work eben in
heaben." A clergyman tried to argue
him out of his opinion by representing
that there was no work for him or any
one else in heaven. 'You go'way,
massa," was his reply; 81 know better.
If dere's no oder work for culled persons
up dere, dey'll make him shub de clouds
along"
A distinguished physician says that
the garments worn by women are pref.
cradle to those worn by men. He may
speak from experience. but we don't be-
lieve he ever wore a walking costume OF
royal blue cloth, with facings, revers,
and pelerine of velvet plush, with a vel
vet basque, long, clinging pelisse trim.
med with lace jabots down the fronts
and back, Charles III collar, and tiny
black velvet poke and arib-compressing
corset cut entrain, and so forth Hardly
Commodore Vanderbilt had contract.
ed so inveterate Il habit of keeping him
self and everybody else to the precis,
matter in hand, that once; asking 1
friend he had invited to dinner if he
would take venison, and receiving wha
he deemed an evasive reply, ''ThanE
you, am going totake boiled chicken >
the Commodore sharply retorted: That
sir. is no answer to my question; l ask
you again if you will take venison, and
1 will trouble you to say yes or no with
out prevarication."