Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-10-16

Whatever his fortune or birth.
When mans feelings are so great that
he cannot express them, he better send
them by freight.
Mathematically and financially it costs
less money to be a Christian than it does
to be an average sinner.
''I understand that your courtship
with Charley is at an end" eyes," said
she, 'CharleY pressed his suit until it be-
came threadbare, and then gave him the
sack"
A lazy fellow once declared in public
company that he couldn't find bread for
his family. ''Nor T. replied an industri-
Gus mechanic. ''I am obliged to work
for it.
A Norristown man who is very fond of
picked tripe, ordered his wife to have
his favorite dish for supper. Being una
BILE to furnish the article, she served up q
quarter of yard of heavy Turkish towel
ing, andher husband never discovered the
difference.
A very quick child made an observa-
tion to her governess the other day,
which had a great deal of truth in it.
CHOW is it, my DEAR inquired the lady,
'.that you do not understand this simple
thin9?" She answered, with a perplexed
look, ''I have so many things to learn
that l have no time to understand"
"Ma! does pa kiss the cat?" ''Why no
my son, what in the name of goodness
put that in your head?'' ''Cos, when pa
came down stairs this morning he kissed
Sarah in the hallway and said that's bet
ter than kissing that old cat up stairs,
amt it, Sarah?" And that, people say, is
the reason why Smith staid in the char.
ity hospital for nearly two months.
A man in Iowa has invented a new
fastening for horse collars. 1t is lucky
that the horses collar does not faSten to
button in the back Of his shirt, because
if it did, judging from human experience
when it flew off after he had broken his
thumb nail trying to crowd it into new
button hole he would just kick the stuf
| fing out of anything he was hitched to
even if it was freight car.
An insurance agent applied to wom
an in Austin to induce her to get her hus
bands life insured. ssWill be sure tt
get the money if he died right Off" "Cer
tainly, madame" ''But will you give me-
any assurance that he will die right off?
s'No madam, we can not do that" 'tWell
then, what good will it be to me to ge
his life insured, if he don't die? l knew
there was some catch about this insu
rance business. ."-1eIds Sittings.
Plantation philosophy: De eel is d.
politician among fish.-A 'oman is hap
piest when she's uneasy about suthin' !
1 would ruther tell lie to cause pleasur
den truth to cause pain.-Nature favor
ed de niger in many ways, but. doal
see why she put kidney foot on him.
Doan jedge man by de fuss he makes
In flynn de hummin' bird makes NOR
noise den Gle hawk.-De object what i
most difficult ter gain is de most priced.
Miss r. had a nose which was percept
ably retrousse, and when she went on
visit to Johnnie's father one day the bo
observed it. After taking in the situa
ton fully, he said: sPapa, you told m
to wait until something would turn VI
and I should have velocipede. There
Miss RS nose. Now give me the veloC
epede." What he got may be called We
locipede, because it went SO fast; but
looked more like strap flying throng
the air in the far corner of the WoodSheC
During the shower yesterday a citize
carrying a very wet umbrella entered
hotel to pay call to some one up stairs
After placing his umbrella where it migl
drain he wrote upon piece Of paper an
pinned to it the sentence: IN. B.-Thi
umbrella belongs to a man who strikes
25O pound blow-back in fifteen minutes
He went his way up stairs, and after q
absence Of fifteen minutes returned
find his umbrella gone and in it's place
note reading: ''P. S.-Umbrella taken t
a man who walks ten miles an hour
won't be back at all. l.'-Detroit Free Pres
81 tell you what it is, fellahs,' yawne
Adolphus, ''I'm making an awful comm
tion among the girls. Only wanted Ii
tie fun, yer know, but deuced they arr
falling in love with me. 'Pon honor,
believe I'm getting into hot water, y
know" ''Do you?" said one Of the cir
who chanced to overhear; ''well, perhal
it will have the same effect upon you
it does upon the lobster" 81 say, Ma
tha," exclaimed Adolphus, turning abou
you're deucedly sharp, yer know, b
blamed if know what you're driving
now" ssOh, nothing replied Marth
'sonly Holsters, you know, are green t
they get into hot ater."-BostOp Ira
: script.