davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
What the Matter Was.

Not long ago in one of the Paris
police courts workman accused of
stealing a pair of trousers was dis
charged, on the ground there was not
sufficient evidence to establish his
guilt. He remained seated, however,
on the prisoners bench after his acquit-
al had been announced. The. lawyer
who had conducted his da ~
serving that he did not moI
ed him that he was free to 60 abont
his business, if he had any. He shook
his head slightly, but did not budge.
BY this time, no other case being on
hand the court was nearly empty
Again addressing him, his defender
inquired with some irritation, "whv
the deuce he did not get up and 60 ?''
"Step this way moment, please, re-
piled the steadfast sitter, ''and let me
whisper in your ear. l can't 60 till
all the witnesses for the prosecution
have left the court" ''And why, may
| ask ?" "Because of the stolen trou-
sers--don't you understand ?" "Most
assuredly l do not understand. What
about the trousers?" "Only this, I've
got 'sm on"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Volume XXXVIII.---No. SO.

men in these parts of whom her judi
cious remarks may apply:
Young gentleman, when you make a
social call IN the evening on a young
lady, 90 away at Il reasonable hour
Say you come at eight o'clock, an
hour and half is certainly as long as
the most fascinating of you in CONVEX
sation can, or rather ought to use his
charms. Two hours, indeed, can be
very pleasantly spent with music,
chess, or other games to lend variety,
but, kind sir, by no means stay longer.
Make short calls and oftener. A girl
that is sensible, true hearted girl will
enjoy it better, and will value your ac-
quaintance more. Just conceive the
agony of girl who, well knowing the
feeling of a father and mother upon
the subject, hears the clock toll ten,
and yet must sit in terror lest he
should put his oft-repeated threats in
execution-that of coming down and
inviting the gentleman to breakfast.
And We girls understand what it is to
dread the prognostic of displeasure.-
In such a case sigh Of relief gene
rally accompanies closing of the door
behind the gallant, and one don't get
over the feeling of trouble until safe
in the arms of Morpheus. Even then,
sometimes. the dreams are troubled
with some phantom of an angry father
and distressed mother, and all because
young gentleman will make a longer
call than he ought. Now, young gen.
tlemen friends, I'll tell you what We
girls will do. For an hour and half
We will be most irresistably charming
and fascinating. Then beware. mon
osyllable responses will be all you need
expect; and if, when the limits shall
have passed, startling query shall be
heard coming down stairs, "lsn't it
time to close up:' you must consider
it righteous punishment, and taking
your hat, meekly depart, a sadder, and
it il to be hoped, wiser man. Do not get
angry but the next time you come be
careful to keep within just bounds
We want to rise early on pleasant
Summer morning, and improve the
shining hours and when forced to be
up at such unreasonable hours at night,
exhausted nature will surely speak and
as natural ,nsequence, with the
utmost speed dressing, We can bare
" get down 10 breakfast in time to
escape severe reprimand for papa,
who doesn't believe in beaux,-as
though he never was young-and a
mild reproving glance from mamma
who understands a little better her
daughters feelings, but must still
disapprove. And now young man
think about these things, and don'l
for PHYS sake, don't throw down your
paper with "pshaw :" but remember
the safe side Of ten."
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
A Sad Story.

Yes, there was no doubt about it.;
the minister was in the habit of beat
ing his wife Their next door neigh
Dor, lady of inquiring mind, at ten
O'Clock one night heard shriek-a
woman's shriek-from a chamber in
the parsonage. She looked across, and
through the curtain she could see that
man and woman were running about
the room in great excitement. He
was fourishing a stick, and striking
with it. The blows could be plainly
heard. And as he struck, she scream
ed. The next day the town rang with
the disgraceful news. The officers of
church discussed the matter with
heavy hearts. After due deliberation
they called the minister and his wife.
He to answer to charge of unminis-
terial conduct, and she to testify in
the case. They came, greatly puzzled
and surprised. The case was gravely
stated by the senior elder, when the
culprit and witness burst into laugh.
Checking themselves, when they saw
how serious and sad the season looked
they explained. The minister's wife,
thought an excellent woman who
loved everybody, and especially
her husband, did not love rats. But
the house having been vacant for some
time, the rats had taken possession.
When they went to their chamber, a
huge rodent ran under the bed. The
wife screamed. The husband caught
up stick and tried to kill the intrud-
er. Every time he struck at and
missed the rat the lady screamed
again, The scene must have peen an
amusing one to their watchful next
door neighbor; and they laughed again
at the recollection of it. The worthy
church officers were mortified and
disgusted; and the next day the whole
town was laughing over the way in
which one mischievous gossip fooled
the grave elders Of church.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
A Soft Answer.

The husband was quick of temper
and often inconsiderate. They had
been married not a year when, one
day, in fit of basty wrath, he said to
his wife:
81 want no corrections from you.-
If you are not satisfied with. nv con-
duct you can return to home whence
| took you. and find happiness with
your kind"
"lf | leave you," returned the un-
happy wife, will you give me back that
which | brought to you?"
every dollar. l covet not yo
wealth. You shall have it back
"Ah" she answered, l need not
wealth of gold. l thought not of
dross. | mean my maiden heart-my
first and only love-my buoyant hopes.
and the promised blessings of woman.
hood. Can you give these back to me ?"
A moment of thought-of conclu-
sion-and then taking her to his arms:
"No, no, my wife, | cannot do that.
but | will do more; l will keep them
thenceforth unsullied and unpained.
l Will cherish your blessing as my own,
will forgot the pledge l gave at the
holy altar when you gave your peace
and happiness into my keeping"
How true is is that "A soft answer
turns away WRATH and how many,
oh, how many of the bitter strifes of
domestic life might be avoided by re-
membering and acting in accordance
Herewith!
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10

eyes, sir; [ don't remember his
exact words, but, as near can recall
them, he said: $50, therefore, into
the place where wines and liqours are
sold, and for the exercise Of the mus
Gle which nature. has given you pound
the bartender"
'Did the old philosopher tell you to
60 into boarding house, seize the
landlady and tear her clothes?"
eyes, sir. Go you therefore'-page
321 Revised Dialogues-'into the board
inghouse, lay hands upon the ward
robe of the mistress of the establish
ment and rend her garments, for vain
is the landlady who has tender clothes
and tough steaks Am l classically
discharged?" =
"No, sir. You will be ass &C.
the philosophical employl
breaking stone the next six mon
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Getting Drunk on General Principles.

$50 you were drunk" said the police
judge to an old topper.
'Yes, sir; but under palliating cir
cumstances. | had not touched a drop
Of liquor for six months and | became
too respectable. l began to get proud.
Sometimes | wouldn't even speak to
my wife when | met her on tha street.
Now, pride is dangerous. John G..
SAKE tell US that all proud flesh,
where,er If grows, is subject to irrita-
ton. When man stays sober long he is
Pharlsaical. Socrates, you know, said
that Il man should get drunk once a
month. | did not wish to become a
Pharisee, SO got drunk"
'But did Socrates tell you to 90 in
to a saloon and fight the proprietor 2"
asked the judge.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Dancing as a zine Art.
THERE SHOULD BE NO MORE CONTACT
OF PERSON THAN IN WALKING.

From an Iaterpie,c wHt a N,u York Dancing
Master.
What is your idea Of the modern
mode Of support in round dancing p
My idea is that as it is seen at public
balls and Long Branch hops it is most
lnelegant, ll-bred, immodest and un-
necessary. \ lady who dances well
gracefully maintains her independence
OF motion and perfect balance. The
moment she becomes a clinging vine
and allows her head to rest on mans
shoulder and his arm to embrace in
stead of support her she shows not
only shocking lack of refinement,
but of good dancing, and impedes her
partners movements as we'll as her
own"
"What do you consider the proper
support:'
The gentleman should take the
ladys right hand in his left she places
her left hand upon his shoulder, the
tingers appearing in front. The gen.
tleman should rest his right hand gen
tly upon the lady's back near the waist
and both should stand on parallel
lines looking over the others right
shoulder, the Lady turning her head
slightly to the left. Both should bend
the upper part of the person slightly,
so that the shoulders should not be
more than four inches apart and the
hands that are claSped should remain
only a few inches from the person,
not allowing the wild sticking out OF
arms recently adopted. In this group
ing there is no more contact of person
than lady taking a gentleman's arm
for walking. But to put the whole
matter in a nutshell, the vulgar and
vicious waltz vul carly and viciously,
the innocent and refined in refined
and innocent manner"
among what nation do you find
the best dancers -
Forty years observation and ex-
perience has led me to conclude that
American women are the best dancers
in the world. The Germans are very
correct and easy, but not graceful the
English put too much struggle into;
the French are inclined to angularity :;
but the American woman is by nature
supple and graceful, learns with facil-
ity, and has the vitality that takes the
place of strengths
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10

yet.
This was master stroke Nell
seated, herself without demur, and
half sitting, half lying at her feat, re-
lated to her the chapter of my mis-,
fortunes.
Dear little girl. her face frightened
before | was half tbrough-indeed, |
am sorry to say she laughed quite
heartily. but she became sober when
told her atout the window coming
down, and leaned over and kissed the
scar on my head tenderly. and | knew
that peace and confidence were re-
stored.
Great was the family wonder to see
US walk in together; but everything
was all right as soon as | explained,
and Mr.. and Mrs. Hartley consented
that Nell and | might be married next
day in the quaint little church in the
place.
And so we were. | led my bride in
myself, and Papa and Mamma Hartley
followed soberIy behind, and Kate and
her husband were all the crowd we
had.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Mans Ingratitude.

This is an ungrateful world to say the least.
A man will act like lunatc when he has the
Itching Piles, and declare that he knows he
can't live another day, yet he applies Swayne's
Ointment, the intense itching is alayed al once
he gats cured, and goes down to the lodge
without one whit of gratitude When asked
why he looks so cheerful, he lodges the ques-
ton by an indifferent answer. Its just like
man though, isn't it?
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
selfrt 1]oftry.
A COUNTRY HOME.

Q give me home in the country wide,
And seat by the farmer wood freSlde,
Where the fire burns bright,
On frosty night,
Where the Jest, the song and the laugh are free
. The farmers home is the home for me.
q give me n home in the country wide.
W hen the earth comes out as a blushing bride
With the buds and flowers,
In the bright hours,
Her bride song ringing from fresh-lesved trees
And melody floats on the pertumed breeze
In summer seat in a shady nook,
And close by the side OF Il parting brook,
Where the violet :rowS
Or The pale swamp rose,
Painting sick, meath the sun scorcltin- beam
DIPS her pale petals in the cooling stream.
@ give Inc home in tie country wide.
In the golden day of farmers pride,
" hen his barns are flied,
From the fields he TILED,
And he feels that his yearly task Is done,
And smiling at winter, he beckons him on.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
I sslert : turg.
Two Wedding Days.

'''s II. r..
pei H' ! aug &. ~ ~. .'N vi 'I,, mIr -
en nS"ae"ie"' VI Mss -'e''
WI p'' ''"'.i ''s''5' "'''' 'ee'' .,''
nounced III 'ne laah'o" Co.u'''" .. !"
I'"4inS S"cle'y J""'h"' anu tue
"e%"'"g Gay "A' a'i'NT"' .--..,.
am per ''a''' La'' S''l com ,.'o"'t
Cat'v" h'f'--"'" ""''' ! con'gSs 70
"y."5 ;"pSa s'G.s i,,T Nj H"T emu. s"'''e ~, = !
",,I o -. -. ~ -, -, '..,,r'i nhan, onr
""' "''" ~ '''"'''" o ~,
.'',', ,...I " - ,r.,I ~
H. ,,,r 9''' - 80 - - >''' " ''''>'
II mouth h,c,r, ,r..w.-.tob.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Go Home Early.

A young lady correspondent of the
Delamarean thus addresses herself to
those young men who are prone to
prolong their visits to their lady
friends to the "we sma" hours ayant
the twal." There may be some young
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Skin Humor.

r. II. Drake ESQ, agent FOR Harper 4 Bros,
Detroit. Mich. gives an astonishing account ui
his c3St lcCzcnIa rudentl, which had been treat
ed by a consultation oI physicians without BEN
eit. and which speedily yielded To the Cutcura
ke>oivcnt Internally and CUtcura and Cuu-
CUra soap externally.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10

arm, followed by the bridesmaids ana
groomsmen-SiX in nmuber-while |
!. was to enter in the nick Of time from
: the veStry, the minister from lis study
and meet before the altar.
| had requested to be allowed to be
alone, so as to keep my part in mind,
and for the same reason went earl y to
the church, so as not to be stared at
and confused for this show affair was
mot one bit to my mind.
just at the last moment Tom came
rushing in, followed by the sexton.
"l've got telegram from Lettie,
Said Tom, his voice quivering. "She
is worse, and must start at once.
Just time to catch the train. Good
bye, old boy. God bless you"
I'm going too-jast came to wish
lyon JOY Mr.. Bert" said the sexton,
who had known me since | was a lad.
fSorry | cant see you married. My
Foad's the same rs your brothers SO
I'll 60 with you him. and off they
both hurried, the door shutting with
sharp click behind them.
= The time for the arrival of the we'd
ding drew near. | advanced to the
door that opened into the church,
rtlesigniug to open III ana peep through
| struggled with it sharply-no use.
/. the door was locked.
Then | few back to tho inner door
and listened The organ was play
ing gay!y. and a subdued hush told
+ llne that Nellie was entering on her
p, fathers arm. aud here WAS | standing
Gagged like rat
| glanced around. The windows
caught nv eyes-whv bad not
though OF them: | could at least
: make my escape, and the ceremoney
might he delayed, aud consequently
awkward; still Nell would not be at
ierly put to shame. Like the mad
<nan | was, | seized the table, drag
ed i. to the window. spraug upon 1t,
. md climbed on TO the high and mar
Tow window sill; throwing up the
Nash, | prepared to leap ont; but | had
eckoned without my host; the cord
L tat held the weight was broken. con
a qnenily the moment my hand left
II Ie sash the window descended with
startling rapidlty, striking nae of the
! rTow sill, dashing my head against
ne sharp corner OF the table. and al
list landing me full length on the
liNor.
tried 10 rise; something warm
pushed over my face; pa; up my
land to clear my eyes-my hand Was
covered with blood.
\ felt giddy aud weak, still stag
rered tony feet; then black mist
-ose around ne, and know no more.
This Was Thursday exc. SUNDAY
- - .1~ -,~..,:.. -a..~.;.,a :.
: MS duties, found me Iayiug upon the
'oo: half dead, wholly dclirIous. nv
face covered with blood, and hole
large enough To let life out orany man.
That mine WAS spared was because |
A.i fallen with the wound down. and
,ir soft 'IIc Of the carpet acted Ike
lint 10 stAuuch the blood.
As soon as | could control my
thoughts begged to know Of Nellie.
/. Poor little girl! she had been Quitc
oy"rwh.lnrd.-Wh-n | fa,lri to ap.
pear katr's husband rushed ont to in
lulre Of the sexton If he had seen me.
/ tie Was positive that had been there
and equally positive that | had left
again IN company with my brother
sand he could not be mIstaken-both
seemed IN great hurry and had
+ II luIIts-i! into A Fsrgl,rn and h.ap i RI
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
(utiicura ii
TIE GREAT SKIN CURE.
Itching and Scaly Diseases,
Humors of the Scalp and
Skin Permanently
Cured.
Ringworms

hIngW0rWx
/ Geo. W. - I'm, s Marshall -, Providence,
r. |. cured T. hIet-uit,'tlra Remedies ola klngworm
Humor got at the BARRIERS, which spread all
over his ears, neck and tace, ami for six years
resisted ali kinds OF treatment
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10

Hon. Wn! TAYLOR. Boston. Mass, permanently
cured Of q hUuuT ot the fac aI.d ~>t! eczema
that had been treated uu>ucce>>luilH tor twelve
wears uy many ui B1>Jnu'> h,>t physicians ami
most n1tcd Specialists as we'll a. European an-
taoIttir>.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
MILK Crust

Mrs. Bow cr>. li5 Clinton II, Cincinnati. >Irak>
.of her sisters culld. who WAS run'd ui milk
crust which resisted ut remedies Tor jW" years.
Sow a uIIe. healthy boy. witt "A beautiful head
of na!r.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10
Scali Head.
Eczema.

II. \. Ray ymoad, Auditor +. W. J. & :. K. r.,
Jackson, Mich, MAS cured OF >cstld head of nine
years duration 10y The CutIcura kemcdes-
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10

CutiCIra.

Cuticlra.
Rcme.jiu> an far ale us a.. G-H-...-t>. Ftice
ioi Cutl-usa, "a Ns..nsun. : ..s. >u4.. teN->, Hr-
large t-tN"~, 81. tUuyufa tt,~"sNvuL ilrr 10"
Blpai IlT.ii.r - TT nnttls. ,Uts.UIs, sap trr
queen pl rrl,.iciis and toilet -uap> -. ,l.t.-
,uII Medicinal Shawn: ~sa-. IL. fT.ay pat
weeks 4 Peitsr. Boston. Mas.
2 Es- Al MAJ ls.i fr..e "sI Eesefpf ~ prln..
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser., 1882-03-10

cS -oiJ ny all Draggists.-xa
Daily Republican., 1882-10-26
the LOeusGs in Cyprus.

During the year ended i'll june las
the sum of $16O, 600 had been expended
in Cyprus for the campaign against the
locusts. Compared with the revenue
of the island, this outlay was very
heavy. 1t has done some good, how
ever 80 much, in fact, that the au
thoritie intend TO continue their work
for ore or two years longer, when it is
believed that the evil will be practi'
cally removed. Should this be the
case the country would be reimbursed
in very short time for its outlay BY
the increase of crops. The locust OF
Cyprus Is q species indigenous to the
island, and one that no prOpitious gale
conveys to other shores. He stays and
transmits his mischief power to remote
generations with unfaili ng certainty.
Daily Republican., 1882-10-26
Penn's Letter 60 the I'm d Ians.

The following letter from William
Penn to the Indians will he read with
interest at this time:
The Great God who is the power and
wisdom that made you and me incline
your hearts 20 Righteousness, Love and
Peace. This | send to assure you of my
love and to desire your love to my
friends, and when the great God brings
me among you, 1 intend to order all
things in such q manner that We mag
all live in love and peace with one
another, which l hope the great God
will incline both me and you 10 do. ]
seek nothing but the honor Of Hit
name, and that we who are his work
manship, may do that which is well
pleasing to him.
The mau which delivers this unto
you is my SPECIAL friend, soEer, wioe
and loving. You may believe him. /
have already taken care that none ol
my people harm you. BY good laws
have provided for that purpose, mol
will ever allow any of my people to
sell rumme to make your people drunk
| f anything be out Of order report wher
l come, it shall be mended, and will
bring you some things of our country
that are useful and pleasing to you
SO, rest in ye love of our God vt
made US. am Your Loving Friend
VIM. PENN.
ENGLAND, %, no., 1852.
read this to the Indians by an in
terpreter, the 6 no., 1859.
THOMAS HOLME'
Daily Republican., 1882-10-26
Humorous IGeImE.

When An editor makes q mistake in
his paper all the world secs it, and calls
him a liar. When a private citizen
makes IA mistake Tobody knows it ex.
cepU few friends, and they come
around and ask the Editor to keep it
out Of the paper. When the private
citizen dies, the editor is asked to write
of all his good qualities and leave ont
the bad. When the editor dies the
private citizen says, "Now that old
liar will get his deserts"
Many years ago, when Chief Justice
Oakley was holding court, among
others who applied to be excused
from jury duty was common place
looking man, with few spots on his
face. What's the excuse ?" asked the
Chief Justice, without raising his head.
"Pve got the itch !" said the man, with
a scared look " "Let the clerk scratch
him OUT" said the Judge, without q
smile, and called for the next man.
A Southern paper says the alligator
destroys millions OF mosquitoes by let
ting them settle ca his jaws and swal.
lowing them. Ladies who are annoyed
by the pests might rid themselves OF
the nuisance by keeping an alligator in
the bedroom during the night, but there
are some women who would prefer the
mosquitoes. They would as soon have
a mouse loose In their chamber as az
alligator.
"Y0u advertise that there Is fine
stream of water on the place, but
don't SEQ it,, rem IrkeG stranger who
wanted to reut the place. The landlord
said "Just work tnat pump handle a
little and you will zee fine stream OF
water. You don't expect to have the
Niagara Falls on the place for $l5 a
month, DO you 2"
An egg polka has been composed In
Berlin, the music of which Just lasts
long enough to boil an egg properly.
We may expect TO hear Of veal.cutlet
waltz and a Torterhouse. steak lAnCers
hut To COOK the aveage boarding house
spring chicken we fear that nOthing less
than performance Of Parsifal" will
indicate the time necessa ry to prepare
IL sufficiently.
DR.. Newman Smyth's opening SER
mon in his church at New Haven wat
from the text, "Arise, let US 60 hence. d
In the principal newspaper of New
Haven somebody bluDdered to such q
frightfal extent that the text was rem
dered, "Amen; let US go home" Thus
are the best intentions of the most
eminent clergymen sometimes per-
verted.
As soon as anEextr& blanket 10 placed
at the foot Of a mans bed IL becomes &c
warm that he has to close his shutters
for fear of being Sunstruck. 1t is only
whom he has insufficient covering that
the cir is frigid.
Mrs. Banks, an Ind ana woman,
bought some poison for rat', wrote the
word "poison on it four times, hid II
on the top shelf in the pantry, and yet
the hired girl used it for baking powder
within week.
The meauest kind of mean man ii
the man who will at this season give tC
a tramp straw hat when he knows
that if the tramp wears it he'll get
guyed to death.
Daily Republican., 1882-10-26
EAraARM NOtNA.

Both Houses of Parliament reassem-
bled yesterday. In the House of Com
mons Lord Randolph Churchill, Con.
servStive, moved al adjournment TO
protest against an autumn session, but,
after speech from Mr.. Gladstone, the
motion was lost. A resolution moved
by Mr.. Gladstone, giving precedence o
the rules of procedure whenever set
down, was carried. He outlined what
the Government hoped ito do in regard
to the rules. A motion, also made bv
Mr.. Gladstone, was passed for the Rp-
pointment of committee to Inquire in
to the Imprisonment OF E. Dwyer Gray.
W hen the Conservatives pressed their
inquiries regarding the intentions OF
the Government in dealing with the
Egyptian question, Mr.. Gladstone said
that if the Opposition W shed to attack
their policy the Government would pro-
vide an issue. Little business of inter
est was transacted in the House Of
Lords.