Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1882-03-08
SPICE AND ALLSPICE.

0TlAE ANU All01SN6s
The man at the telephone Office always
has holler back"
SWEET EvE11NA from the sufocating
embrace of her lover c1ied out: "Give
me liberty or give me BREATH"
If they 60 vacciuating my baby, down
comes their circus.-[ Mother Of the In
FAINT Elephant.-Louisville Courier
Journal.
A CANADIAN editor was chased by
wolves few weeks ago. He was prob
ably tracy" writer.-St. Louis Hoy-
net.
The Texas boy will never know on
which side his bread is buttered so long
as he spreads it with New York oleo-
margarine and Massachusetts apple
sauce.-Ne, Orleans Picayuaae.
"Su1KY plows," said farmer Reapen-
bind, "not any for me; I've lived nigh
onto thirty years with sulky wife, an
l don't want any more sulks on the
place. "-Marothon Independent.
A FRENCH artist gave his last work to
porter to convey 10 the Salon. "Be
ture is scarcely dry" " go never mind"
| eACiaAAeu 'Ao POItc1, WJ C1OtAee tAe
DID,"
A LITTLE girl years old, having at
tended a soiree, being asked by her
mother on returning how she enjoyed
herself. answered: 81 am full of happi-
ness; couldn't be any happier unless
could grow."-Reoding Times and
Dispatch.
WHEN young Jerry stuffed his fathers
tobacco-box with wad of cOmbings the
other evening, and the ancient perched
himself in the cleaning and loaded his
mouth for an evenings chew, the family
prayers were dispensed with and the bed
slat became intimate with the boy with
out any mattress accompaniment.
AN Andover (Mass.) man committed
suicide by drinking pint Of ink. If he
had used the pale, economical, watery
fluid that is such a'passion with some of
our contributors, he might have drank
gallon of it and lived for fifty years.
Burlington HaaUkeye.
A YOUNG man in great rage told two
friends that he had just had his face
slapped. "Ha!" said the friends, ''we
will rush off and demand satisfaction"
"What !" he said, "a duel, too! Not
much. Don't you call having your face
slapped enough ?"-Ptzris Figaro.
RUBBING bald-head daily with fresh
raw onion will make the hair grow out
again. Nature can stand a good deal,
but when it comes to such treatment she
throws up the sponge and would start a
crop of peacock feathers if the owner de-
sired it. it.-Phitodellohio Neaos.
TRADEsMAN Ito country customer who
has come to complain OF the quality of
his lucifer matches)-" Not light Why,
I have OILY to draw them smartly across
my corduroy breeches, and they blaze
instantly" Customer -" "Yes, but
what's that to me? I can't come
matter O. four mile for your old
breeches every time we wants light"
II TELL you," said the canvasser,
"you have no idea of the hard work
there is in this business. It is either
talking or walking from morning till
night" "Beg pardon, replied the vic
tim; "I have pretty distinct idea Of
the talking part Of your programme.
Now please favor me with an exhibition
of the walking part.'' The canvasser ex-
hibited.
CAPTAIN PERc1vA1, a Cape Cod
mariner of the old school, was once
awakened in his bunk by shipmate
with the announcement that the vessel
was going to eternity. "Well," re-
piled the captain, "l've got ten friends
over there to one in this world; let her
co." And he tnrned over and went to
sleep again.
AN old topper offered his ten-year-old
boy new nickel if he would fetch him
dark bottle that stood in the corner of
the pantry shelf without his mothers
discovering it. The lad secured the
prize and was making off with it when
his mother suddenly yelled: "What
have you got in the bottle, Johnny?"
ct don't know" answered the innocent
boy; "it's labeled tomato sauce, but it
smells just like dads breath"
eyes," said he, 81 saw man jump
into blast-furnace and come out on the
other side without injury" "That's
nothing. A boy told me that he was in
, a boat with his father and accidentally
, dropped his..powder flask in the water.
, His father said he would get it, but as
, he stayed so long under water, the son
r became worried, but, looking over, he
l saw the old man sitting on the bottom
filling his flask from bis sons. What
5 do YOU think of that?" Think of
that? Why, I think the boy lied"
HERE is an example of the mastery
7 way IN which a woman can meet an
, emergency. A widower who had added
unto himself second rib, which he at
terwards found could be denominated
r ga spare rib," was in the habit Of re-
< ferring to rib No. as perfection, which
was certainly exasperating to the last
> degree. One day he even went SO far as
to say that he was sorry she had died.
5 The spare rib at once replied: "Believe
) me, MY dear, you can not possibly re-
D gret her loss as mnch as do"
f THE Woman's Journal says: ga
!, funny story is told of Belva Lockwood,
/ the female lawyer Of Washington. A
: witty fellow was once her opposing
3 counsel, and when he desiredto refer to
/ the Hon. Belva was perplexed. He
s couldn't say my BROTHER as he did
/ when speaking of the lawyer who wore
q pants. He didn't like to say my sister,
d out of respect to that expression. He
d sent smile over the room by referring
d to Belva as my sister-in-law,' but she
j. certainly looked daggers at him.
Il A SCOTCH farmer had very mischlev-
e vious boy whom he had taken as favor
!, to the lads parents to try and make
l. something of. Upon one occasion the
Is promising youth took it into his head t<
l. cut off the mares tail. The farmer wal
IN naturally very much incensed, and call
t. ing the boy into the barn, said: "Now
l. Jeemes, I'll give you your choice o
er which wun you do-put that tail bac]
where you got it, gang hame to you
feyther's, or take ickin ?" elf y
st please, sir, !" replied Jeemes, attempting
Sc to gouge his eyes out with his knuckles
II think I'll take lickin, "and he got ii