The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1882-02-09
"sAM LIFE WU1H LIVIN'22's
Prof. Artichoke Higgins Speaks
to the Lime Kiln Club.

Prof. Articholke Higgins Speaks
to the Lime Kiln Club.
"What desire to saY,' began Brother
Gardner, as the meeting opened, fSam tc
de effect dat Prof. Artichoke Higgins an
in de aunty room an ready to appear befo
us an deliber his celebrated lectur' on
Am Life Wuth dc Livin' Furr' De pro-
fessor am q resident OF Arkansas, in which
State he has won seben silver medals ful
maxim de longest jumps Oh record. He
arrove heah from Chicago las night on Il
mixed train, paid boy two shillins to
to show him de way to my house, an SO
far as can Judge from his talk an de way
he combs his ha'r, de man am a scholar
an gem 'lan. Sir Isaac Walpole, you an
Giveadam Jones will put OH yer white
kids, blue neckties an sWaller-tailed coats
an escort Prof. Higgins inter de hail."
The brothers mentioned retired to the
dressing-room and donned their state ap-
they appeared in the hall with the profess
sor between them. AS he mounted the
platform and was received by Brother
Gardner, he appeared to be man about
five feet ten inches high, prominent nose.
retiring chin, eyes about the color Of boiler
iron, and dressed in faultless taste. After
slipping troche into his mouth he bowed
impressively and began:
"My friends, it pleases me exceedingly
to behold such q vast sea of Intellectual
faces befo' me. [Sensation / kin almost
imagine myself lookin' down de aisles of
de senate chamber of de United States.
More sensation.l De question: Am Life
Wuth Libin' FurS' has often been axed
an believe that several parties besides
me have put de same query from de ros-
trum. [Cheers by Samuel Skin, who had
no idea what the word rostrum meant.
But claim to be the only pusson in dis
kentry who takes de negativ' side of dis
momenchus inquiry. In de fust place we
am BON. De fust var Of our life am spent
in cryin' wild pain and sorrow. We see
ghosts. We have bad dreams. We am
seized by de collie. Our froats am tunnels
down which dey pour soothin' syrup, par
egoric, sweet milk an what not, an we
wish we was dead. [Sobs by Pickles Smith
who had lately lost his grandfather
What comfort does any boy OR gal take
up to de aige Of Is VARS? Not bit. De
boys git licked am de gals gitspanked, an
dey fall down stairs, have de chicken
pox, git boxed up wild de mumps, am
have to war clothes which have bin cut
ober an dyed. (Sensation: by Givaadame
Jones as he recalled old recollections.[
''From de aige Of Is to 90" continued
the orator, after pulling down his vest,
'*life am full of love and jealousy an bad
fittin coats, an gwine to funerals, an
stayin' home from circuses. Jist as a
young man gifts to thinkin' dat he am
happy he Giskivers dat his sleeve-buttons
am fifteen seconds behind de style, or dat
bis butes am de hundredth part Of an inch
too long, or dat his coat wrinkles in de
back. [Groans from Trustee Pullback,
who remembered when he was learning
the barber's trade in Richmond.I
''From 20 to 80 we git mar'd," con-.
tinued the Professor as a sad smile crossed
his face. ''We love an court an hire
libery rigs an buy candy and marry.
What am de result? (Groans from all
the hall.] We have to pay house rent,
an buy wood, an 60 to meetin', an git
trusted fur groceries, an put up wild kicks
on cuffs an howlin' babies an q hull
doahyard full of miseries. [Long-draWn
sighs from eighty-four members.l
ssDen we grow old, an take snuff an
smoke clay pipes an spit on deca'pet an
jaw the chill'en and finally die. (Tears
from Waydown Bebee.l Dat's life and
it's eand. Whar's de comfort? What
have we foun' wuth libin' for? How much
better if we had bin trees, or fence posts,
or picket fences! Life am mad struggle.
fsighs.] We come upIike sunfloWer an
am cut deown. Faint. groans.l To-day
we may win dc. big turkey aide raftie-t to
morrow we may hab to pawn our over-#
coat to keep de stove gwine. fsignificant
Winks and mods.
s'My friends, thankin' you fur you air
nest an inexplicable attenshun, an trust
in' dat my feeble. remarks will be pro
ductive Of oberN Nhelnin' profit, ] return
you my heartfelt sympaties an resoom
my seat.
For half minute there was deep
silence. Then Pickles Smith stood up and
waved the empty terpail around his
head, and the enthusiasm broke forth and
lasted 80 long that six policemen gathered
on the corner and barrel Of beans was up-
set in the grocery below. Detroit Free
Press.