Brookings County sentinel. (Brookings, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1890, 1882-04-06
SPICE AND AlLSPICE.

l
Haven Register.
"To what base uses may we come at
last, said the ball-player, as he plowed
the home plate with his nose.
PosTMAN: "Say, sis, where's Mrs.
Malley ODearmott ?" Sis: "l d'nor;
she died last week an didn't leave any
directions"
WHEN you see an Irish mother sewing
the tears in her boys pantaioons. you
may put her down as being in favor of
the "no-rent system.
CAPT. BoRGARDUs is tremendous fel-
low at glass.balls, but we doubt if he
could destroy as many fish-balls as the
average New Englander.
In China they punish the man who
adulterates food with death. In this
country those who buy the food are the
ones killed.-BOston Tost.
CAMELs are said to thrive in Arizona,
where they must create much astonish-
ment, on account Of being able To go so
long without drinking. g.-L1tDeU Citizen.
A PHILADELPHIA coal-dealer recently
received from a prominent shoddyite,
who had beon to Europe, an order for
five tons of coal delivered q Ia cart
Phitadeiphia Ne,os.
QUALIFYING the negative: Mrs. Smith
(emphatically) )-"Poor Mrs. Siren
They say that she has been ordered to a
warmer climate. Do you think she will
go?" Mrs. Brown (grimly)-"No, not
while she lives"
"YEs," said the schoolboy, - sup
pose j ought to feel proud and glad that
I'm appointed monitor to keep the
other boys In good behavior. But am
not You see it knocks me out of all
chance of raising blazes."
The grand scramble for appointments
under the municipal officers has just be-
gun, and one of them has already hung
this sign in his office: "Lady appl-
cants for clerkships will please weep in
the ante-room, as the recorder suffers
greatly from damp feet"
MUsIC-TEACHER-"O yes, Miss Clio
tilda likes playing tunes well enough,
but she shudders at the very mention of
scales.' Retired cheese-monger's wife
Qoftily)-"I should hope SO, indeed
You'll bear in mind, ST., that we've moth.
ing to do with the business now"
A SHARP rejoinder is an arrow that
buries itself in the target. A gentleman
who took to medicine late in life said to
his friend: "You know the old proverb,
that at forty a man must be either 4 fool
or a physician ?" "Yes," was the re-
ply; "but, doctor, don't you think be
can be both p
WHEN a Kentucky con gressmau waa
informed that he could have all the
! orla a.als hn 4f,n
cultural department. he exclaimed:
d" Seeds; what do want seeds for ? But
hold on Yes, yes. believe / do want
a few And he forthwith sent for half
bushnl Of cardamon seeds, the only seeds
he had any use for.
"Is the doctor in? asked an anxious
looking young man. "No, SIR" replied
the person addressed; I" but you can
leave an order ON the slate. Is it very
urgent case ?" "Well, yes" the young
man said" rather urgent, think.
just us / started away from home my
youngest brother was falling out of
second-story window"
| A PATIENT at the Taunton Insane
Asylum exhibited an automatic toy to
the legislative committee while Oh a
visit recently. 1t was bis own inven-
ton, and it showed PROSTATE man re-
ceiving q severe kicking and humping
| from others. "Don't you think it rath-
er severe on that poor fellow to be maui
ed and kicked in that way ?" asked leg
islator. "Oh, no, was the reply; "you
can't hurt him--he's insane"
WELL, sir, suppose You'll go back
to school rested by your holiday ?" said
New Haven father to his "chubbiest"
boy. "Yes, SIR" replied the boy, with
frightened expression, "and I'm GO
! ing to ring the bell" SIS that so? 1
thought Sammy Goodboy rang the bell ?"
"Weil, he used to, but I'm ringing it in
his place now, don't you see?" "And
what does Sammy do ?" "Sammy
Why, he's nothing but scholar"
An elderly Aberdeen woman, on heing
asked how her husband who was much
older than herself, employed himself.
replied: "Oh, sir, he does naething but
daunders bot and daunders in, an fan
he's tired he iist gaes sclyte till's bed"
! The same wife when asked by one of her
/ neighbors foo her auld man was keep.
! in ?" replied: "A'body's deein' but
| him; and / wadna wonner gin ba was
sittin' hostin' there at the day of judg-
men,"
A MAN in a sleepingscar on an eastern
railroad kept people awake two hours by
propounding about bedtime the query:
"What is the best thing TO brush hat
with ?" And the whole crowd stayed
awake and guessed, and one man who
came to his station and had to get of
without hearing the answer felt awfully.
And finally, after they had all given it
up, the questioner said he thought the
best thing to brush a hat with was hat
brush. And it was painful to witness
the disgust of the crowd.
"THE robbin has O red breast. They
have plaintiff song, and sing as though
they were sorry for something. They
get their name from their great ability
for Robin cherry tree. They kan also
rob currant bush fust rate. IL it was
not for these robbers We should all be
eaten up by caterpillars; but think the
robins might let us have now and then
one Of our own cherriz, tew see how they
did taste. The bat. They fly very much
unsartin, and ackt as though they had
taken q leetle too much gin. What they
are good for kant tell, and / don't
believe they can tell neither. Josh
Billings.
A GROUP Of gentlemen were talking
\ over theatrical matters the other day,
and one Of them told story in which
Hartford citizen OF some celebrity figured
as hero. 1t was in the days Of the old
WYATT Theater at American Hall. There
was funeral scene in the play, aud it
was the dutr Of our friend to exclaim IN
commanding tones, "Stand aside and let
the. cofiiu pass I This was all he had
4 to say, and number Of his friends had
come 10 the theatre on purpose 10 hear
HIM say IL. Judge of their dismay when,
with shaking knees and blanched coun-
tenance, he poared out, "Stsold aside,
and let the parson cough !" That sst-
tied his career AZ "snpe. ."-Hdvfford
Tmes.