Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1882-04-13
NUMBER 80.
Odds and Ends.

Odds and Ends.
What Is ''sassyn from the goose may
be taf1y from the gander.
The conscience fund at Washington
is not increasing In bulk.
There is more cant that can among
professional philanthropists.
The trombone is q mere skeleton
among musical instruments.
The tramp and beat will always
smile II you ask him to drink.
The market quotes iron as heavy.
It Is little depressed In prices.
The gospel can never be spread II it
Is to travel with pistol hip-pocket.
Mr.. Arthur Is SO tall that he can ov-
erlook good deal that the Half Breeds
do.
A soft answer turneth away wrath,
but 1t doesn't 60 for cent with COL
lector of bills.
The English are beginning to say
that Jumbo IL no great shakes a. an
elephant, after all.
The ocean-struck poet, who wrote
about a great waiste of water, must have
had dropsical ideas.
The rainbow is very old-fashioned.
It is not aesthetic, nor mOurnful enough
to suit modern taste.
Another Presidential funeral, and our
Congressmen would perish with grief
and delirium tremens.
Me-Too Platt has never been prop
erly vindicated. He is dying from anx-
iety to decline something.
DR.. Dio Lewis washes his head with
oatmeal and milk. Healways had pc
culiar notions regarding diet.
Maple sugar is made by tapping ma
pie trees with q gimlet aud grocery
store hogsheads with an auger.
President Arthur's cook expects to
serve up good deal of deviled crow for
one branch Of the party In 1854.
A man who does nothing gets moth
ing. and call It hard luck. He might
as well cut his throat and call It fate.
Young Lady-Mr. L., don't you ad-
mire "Locksley Hall?" Mr.. L.-Well
-er-I don't know as ever saw that
building.
Cows are 20 lean In some parts of
Kentucky this year that milk has 10
be churned much longer than usual to
bring butter.
Dakota will be the American New
jerusalem. It is said q majority of the
Hebrew refugees will coIOnize in the
land Of Dakota.
When q Congressman quotes Latin
in speech he il expected to tell what
he means by 1t, and what the Latin
means, If he knews.,
The difference between q sentiment
al young girl and an old hat is only q
difference of tense. One has feeling
and the other has felt.
Mr.. Moncrieff has embalmed in a
book the Irish court usher's command,
"All ye blackguards that are not law
yers lave the buildingv'
A Kentucky girl was struck by light
ming and killed while dressing for her
girl being too attractive.
A st. Louis woman gave her arm to
q street-c0rner masher.took him where
her husband was, and her husband
wore out the floor with him.
Don't carry elegant handkerchiefs,
girls. They're dreadfully conducive to
bad colds. A girl with nice hand
has tn use 1t all the time.
The "Unseen Handn is the title of q
new book. Probably the Othor man
didn't have anything better than d pair
Of trays, and didn't dare to call.
1t takes 1o0, 1000 elephants yearly to
supply the ivory of the world. When
the elephants are gone the COWS will
have to lock up their horns to keep 'em.
Cincinnati people are awakening to
the fact that they cannot be religious
and truly good as long as they c6n-
tinue to read the Cincinnati daily pa
pers.
An Indian chief In Washington was
taken to the opera, and when the bari
tone star gave particularly low note
the chief said: "Ugh! him heap dug
3ut.n
A French waiter recently chareed
American travellers 81. for half doz-
IN hard boiled eggs, not because eggs
we're scarce. b0t because Americans
we're.
It 10 slander to say that musicians
never volunteer their services for char
ty entertainments. There are Occa-
ions when they come 10 the front
,obly.
Mrs. Mccall Wall, who killed her
husband, didn't know it was loaded.
That is why she snapped it at him af-
er getting mad and hunting for the
,iStol.
A retired pugalist. who disapproves
+ the brutality of the modern prize
lght has taken up his residence in
.awrence because they have Pacific
dills there. t*
Said the leader Of the train robbers
o he boarded the Pullman car: Don't
isturb the passengers, but seize the
'orter. He's got all the money In the
rowd by this time.
Standardization can you obtain the
for idiocy for this country"
)h, that's easy enough. Find out how
many persons have paid Is cents for