News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-11-09
WIT AND WISDOM.

| OhOuBA OA I've
THE fact that the comet has already
gone to pieces is a startling warning
against the habit Of early rising. -Phtta.
Bat15etS1s- -----4----------
"WH4T is your defense, sir ?" sternly
demanded his Honor. 4" / shall prove
an arabi," said the culprit, with whine.
"Then you will be in a worse fix than
you are now" replied his Honor.-Bos-
ton Globe.
GENERAL WoLsELEY, the hero OF the
Egyptian war, is the author of book
| called "The Soldiers Pocket-Book for
Field Service" As the British soldier
gets only twenty cents day, he can't
have much use for pocket-book.-
NOrriStotUn Herald.
SINCE it was discovered that family
at Logan, Kan, had lost five servanS
girls in succession by marriage, the
State Commissioner of Emigration Is
overwhelmed with letters from Eastern
maidens, asking the speediest means OF
reaching that house. "f
A WITNESS, having given before Lord
Peterborough come very rambling and
rather discred1table evidence, was asked
in cross-examination what he was.
Witness 'I employ myself as sur
geon." Lord Ellenborough "But
does any one else employ you as a
surgeon ?"
WHEN we see the young man OF the
period, with the cutaway coat, bis ears
sheltered from the cold north wind
blasts by the broad e2psnse Of collar,
his two watch chains, but no watch, his
pointed shoes and intellectual eye-glass,
his tootsey. wootsey cane and pancake
hat, we realize that the $e4 ,OCO, COO an
nually expended in educating the Amer
lean youth is little enough. -Rochester
Post-EraoresS.
Mr.. WYNDHAM, the English actor
who is to appear at the Union Square
Theatre, New York, this month, is one
of the richest men on the stage. It Is
said that ''Pink Dominoes' alone put
$500, 600 in his pocket. He has had an
unusual experience. Pink dominoes
generally take the cash right out OF
mans pocket. Boston Post.
Co1ERIDGE was descanting, In the
presence of Charles Lamb, upon the re-
pulsive appearance of the oyster. "It
isn't handsome, Ooleridge," " said Lamb,
s'but it has the advantage of you in one
thing" ''What is that?" said Cole
ridge, who was an exhaustless talker-
cit knows when to shut its mouth,"
was the reply.
NEARLY S9,5OO,O 600 is invested in the
printing and publishing trade in Bos-
ton, and the yearly product is valued at
So, ,467, 7,OO0. This does not include the
amount paid to writers who furnish the
matter for printing and publishing, and
which, il all added together, aggregates
several hundred dollars more.-Phita-
delphia Ne1US.
"If. THIS woman your wife ?" asked
the Justice of colored man, and point
ing to woman. "Is what my wife p
els that woman your wife ?" 81 don't
see no oman. sees lady, an de lady
is my wife," CTS this man your hus-
band?" asked the Justice of the woman.
"Dat gentleman is my husband.
"Well, ladies and gentleren, have
investigated this case, and have decided
tosend this lady and gentleman to Jail
for six months. 20. Reed.
| "AND ycu love me, Jared ?" That's
about the size of it. Mary" Fortune
has not smiled upon you-you are poor. "
Erich in your love = poor only IN
purse" yet all hope is not lost
| Father is president of a bank. He viii
give YOU a situation" "Then am
yours eternally, We shall be married
in sthree months. In six months the
bank will be in the hands of a receiver.
We shall seek home beyond the St.
Lawrence, where the old man can i've
with MS under the name of Smith.
4" oh. Jared u "Oh, Mary r
DIR. SHELTON was distinguished for
his satirical and severe turn. He one
day, in a sermon, enlarged on the posi-
ton that s'every thing which God made.
was we'll made" "This is an assertion, "
said a man exceedingly deformed, who
had attentively listened to the doctors
discourse. (which rather staggers my
belief" When the sermon was finished,
he followed DIR. Shelton to the door Oh
the church. and said to him ''Sir, you
preached that God had made all things
| we'll. see how / am made" my
friend. /" answered the doctor, surveying
him from head to foot, "you are very
well for cripple"
DID you ever hear two married wo-
men take leave of each other at the gate
ON a mild evening This is how they do
it. "Good-by ~ "Good-by. Come
down and see us soon." I will. Good
by." Good-by. Don't forget to come
soon" "No, won't. Don't you for
get to come up" 81 won't. Be sure
and bring Sarah Jane with you next
time" II will. I'd have brought her
this time. but she wasn't very well. she
wanted to come awfully." Did she
nowP That was too bad Be sure and
bring her next time" 81 will ana you
be sure and bring baby" " l Will.
forgot to tell you that he's cut another
tooth" "You don't say sol How
MANY has he now ?" "Five. 1t makes
him awfully cross" 81 dare say IL
does. this hot weather" "Well, good
by Don't forget to come down" " No.
I won't. Don't you forget to come up
Good-by p And they separate.-E1-