Daily Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1876-1884, 1882-01-13
HOFFENSTEIN MORALIzES.
he Proves the Truth Of the Adage that "Death
Loves a Shining Mark"

lNeW orleans TlmeS-DemOcratJ
"Misder Hoffenstein, said Her
man rs he entered the store, "vile
l vas Walking along Canal street a
leetle vile ago, l meets Simon
Hifsch, vat vas in de notion pisi.
ness In Shreveport last year, und
you don't would know him, he vas
so changed. He dells me dot be
wants to die, because his store Vas
all proke up, und he don't got some
pisiness any longer"
Herman" replied Hoffenstein,
after he had listeLed attentively,
II hat seen hundreds IF beOple in
dc fix vat Hirsch vas 10, und dey
always want to die. De reason Is.
dem kind uf men don't haf spunk
to fight nit dere troubles, und dey
want death to come in und help
dem oud but it.vOn't do it. Death
don't go around accommO.
dating bsople In any such way, you
know. Ven I vas poor l used to
walk around NIT a vendilator in de
seat uf my baDts as big as door
mat und vas shust as miserable as
any Won, but l nefer vonted to die.
No Herman, l shust put on a long
ofercoRt to carry Oud de contract
vat my bants hod made, und l
made up my mind dot l could peck
lifing oud uf dis world if I could
get my bill in de right blace.' |
knew q poor man vonce vot haf a
large family, und all de time he
vos Wishing to die, but didn't wont
to kill himself. Won day he fell
from de secontfioor down de hatch.
way uf hardware store he vos
Working in, uud smashed a cult.
vator pillow. Vat you dink, Her
man, de only harm vat de accident
did vas to put anOder DOCTORS bill
agains de poor man, uud ven he
got veil de shentleman vat owns
de store made him pay for de way
he damaged de pillow. De same
man, q short time alder de acct.
dent, got big fortune vat vas left
him, uud he didn't enjoy himself
more den free weeks ven he died
deader as u mackerel NIT de
measles. If be didn't get
dot fortune he would hat
been alive to-day, und as
helty, und as poor und deeper Ia
debt as he efer vas before, you
know. Dere vas Isaac Schwab
whose wife runs away NIT a fellow
vat tunes pianos In Vickspurg
shust before de var md gife him
drouble. Sch wab was so misersb 10
dot he dakes boison a couple ul
times, but doctor always comes
along und bumps it out uf him.
Ven de vor preaks oud he joins de
army, dinking dot he will be killed,
but he don't. He charges de works
of de enemy right we're all de can
mons vas, but he nefer gets hurt,
und at de end uf de var he com IS
to the conclusion that de only way
he can get a bullet in him vas to
swallow Won. At last he makes up
his mind dot he will try vonce
more to kill himself, und he goes
und hangs himself in an old stable
on de edge uf dc town. Vile he
vas swinging in de air, Won
uf dem ram sheep com es
in where he is und butts at him till
de rope preaks, und den de ram
butts Sohwab all Offer de town.
Dink uf it, Herman. 1t.shows dot
death, you know, wont 60 loafing
around trying to please man ven
it knows itself. Death, my poy,
loves shining mark, as de books
say, uDd it will never waste any
time NIT poor vertless fellow ven
it can get hold uf a velty und in
fiuentiai citizen init a stomach on
him vat stands oud from de rest uf
bis body like u bay window.