The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-02-22
FLOATING FANOIES.

men laugh.
A young lady who was squeezed between
two freight cars says it felt just like trying
on o new pair of corsets.
Tell your children that they are the worst
you ever saw, and they will no doubt grow
up in the way they should not go.
Falsehood, like poison, will generally be
rejected when administered alone; when
blended with wholesome ingredients may be
swallowed unperceived.
ssThink I'd live in that building" exclaim-
ed the lady who ran a boarding house. "Not
q bit of it! Why, all the Soors fasten with
hollis. There isn't a keyhole in the building
Dubuque and Davenport are among the
few Western cities containing more women
than men. and the Omaha Republican says
that's why they spell them with a big, big
d.
At q fair in New York they got out a
paper called s'Satan."' A religious young
lady who got hold of a copy promptly made
a hustle of it, saying, ''get thee behind me,
Satan"
"Make Somebody Glad" urges a recent
poem. Hundreds Of young men can comply
with this request by simply bidding her good
night two or three hours earlier on Sunday
evenings.
A scientific lecturer told the girls of Mont
pelier that big feet indicated a big intellect,
and none of them went to work and got
shoes too big for them, much preferring to
be considered tools.
An Trishman who covered himself up with
the sheets to escape the musquitos, exclaim-
ed, when q lightning bug entered the room
'There's no use; here is one of 'em come
wild a lantern. It's al over wild me, sure"
A young lady admitted to her mother that
her beau had kissed her ON the cheek. "AnI
what did you do ?" inquired the old lady, in
a tone of Indignation. ''Mo,her," replied
the young lady, II cannot tell q lie I turned
the other cheek"
a Tennessee girl who found a beau she
liked better didn't snap the golden cord with
the old one by suddenly returning his letters
and lock Of hair. She sent for him, told him
how it was, gave him $500 in cash and 800
pounds of peanuts, and took his receipt in
full of all demands.
"yes, dear, of course we're going to Wash
ington this winter the Presidents a widow
er, you know ''How awfully too utterly
sweet T. Eyes, and the new British Minis
ter's q bachelor" "How too previously
consummately lovely!" Il cawnt marry
them both, you know, dear" mo, dear,
leave me just one"
Here we have a Picnic. Is it not jolly
The Children are Running Around and Play
ing Tag. But where is the Cns,ard Pie A
Moment ago it was Under the E m Tree Can
it be that Mr.. Jones is sitting on The Cus,a,d
PIE? Alas, it is too True. And Mis- Smith
is Laughing ct him. He looks as Badly
Broken up as the Pie, Does he Not?
A clergyman, whose name we suppress on
account Of his sacred calling, was absorbed
in thought a few Sundays ago, just before
divine service began, when he was approach-
ed by the organist, who asked, referring to
the opening hymn: "What shall | pla, p
"Wh4t kind Of a hand have you got p res
pended the absent-minded clergyman.
We remember once recording the fact that
q little boy said soda water tastes like your
foot's asleep; but now comes a. Lad who Says
that weiss beer is thawed sand paper. This
reminds us of . Yankee on the Pacific Ocean
who for the first time got a mouthfui OF
Chilli peppers. When the tears dropped he
gasped, For the love of Heaven, NJ more
pins and needles ON toast :"
~Schomburg, upon returning to his store on
Galveston avenue, found his clerk very much
excited. The clerk said that a stranger came
10, and, after paying the price for . cravat,
which was 81, picked up the entire box, Con
tanning a dozen, and went off with them.
''Dld he pay you re dollar ?" asked Nose.
''Yes," responded the clerk. ''Vell, then, We
makes, anyhow, so per cent profits on re in.
vestment."
"Did you observe that woman ?" said one
gentleman to another as a sharp featured te
male swept haughtilv by them. The friend
nodded to indicate that he had observed her.
swell, I'm indebted to her for the chief hap
piness OF my life" Indeed | can imagine
the gratitude she might inspire in you" n
YOU can't only her present husband can do
that. Ten years ago | asked her hand in
marriage and she refused me-"