The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1882-09-28
FUNNY BUSINESS.
Clipped and Arranged by Our
Laughing Hyena.

Clipped and Arranged by Our
Laughing Hyena.
Before an apple becomes cider it must
go the rounds of the press.
If you want to find out how great
manis, let him tell il himself.
What Adam said on behOlding tina
hrst sunrise: go west, my sun, go.
west"
Scum invariably rises. Remember,
top.
1t was Detroit girl who married at
10 so as to have her golden wedding
when 1t would do her some good.
What is philosophy" It is soma-
thing that enables rich man to say
there isno disgrace in being poor.
The sting of bee is only one thirty
second OF an inch lOug. 1t is only your
Imagination that makes 1t seem as long
as hOe-handle.
1t was dressmaker, looking at a bow
legged bather, who remarked: "MYl
what bias limbs; how awfully they ara
In need OF tuck and gore"
There is one advantage in warm
weather. At no other season of the
year can you spread the butter on the
children's bread so evenly and so thinIy.
No matter how handsome young wo-
man may be, when the right man comes
along she Is ready to yield the palm OF
beauty If he has the sense to ask for tt
A philosopher says; "The man whG-
laughs Is the sympathetic man." tits
astonishing how many sympathizers
man has when he slips down and hurts
himself.
1t takes but thirteen minutes to lead
an elephant on a railroad train, while
1t takes twenty for any sort of a woman
to kiss her friends good bye and lose tha
check to her trunk.
Once surveyor called at house in q
Western town, and asked the housewife
If there been any stakes left there for
him, NO" was the reply; 1--WE get our
meat in town."
The Century's story about man In
Georgia who could yell so as to be heard
five miles will hardly be credited by
those who have tried to make horse
car driver hear at distance of four
rods.
Owing to the high prices of proVis-
ions the congregation of the Episcopal
church at Litchfield, Conn.,, has present
ed to the pastor $500. He celebrated
the event by the purchase of beef
steak.
Young man, "Aim high" says Emer-
son. "Aim lOw,,' says General Jackson.
Which is rightP Depends whether you
are aiming at the moon or at a melon
thief crawling off on his hands and
knees.
When you read of the shady groves
and sylvan dells and hidden waterfall
and cooling forests don't get anxious
Let dozen mosquitoes hop on to you
and you'll feel as If you were there.
He is now loose in Connecticut. He
is working this way and may soon be-
trying to convince you that you are heir
to vast estate in England. Keep what
few dollars you have. 1t may be hard
winter.
The Graphic says that burglars may
be kept out of any house by leaving the
Yaluables on the front doorstep"
Which is all very well so far as it goes;
but suppose one has not the valuables,
what?
A certain self-styled authority on wit
and humOr says there are but twenty
kinds of jokes. Well wager that we
can send him boy that will play over
forty different practical jokes in half a
day, unless he assassinates the boy be-
fore that time.
vegetables are ever so much better
for person than meat this hot wealth
er, remarked the head of the family,
as he reached for the last slice of beef,
anu lulu an uuSdGlSlhCGOly 6dI VI COEn
for the rest of the household.
Barnum's next is to be white eIe-
phant. He has applied to the King of
Siam for the loan of one. If he fails to
get one he will probably whitewash
Jumbo, and the advertising will go on
just the same as if the King were
neighbOrly and accommodating.
Oscar Wilde says he shall write a SON
net to Mrs. Langtry when she is 95. At
first blush this seems too awful to con-
template, but if he will only wait until
she is 50, we are not going to get into
Mrs. Langtry lose much sleep because of
this prOcrastinating threat.