The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-02-04
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


A boarding house keepers tree-'Ash.
Goes against the tied A decree Of divorce.
A thing that kicks without legs-A gun.
Tombstoues often lie, just as they stand.
Even an Easter egg is not as bad as it is
painted.
The lame chimney swallow has defective
iue.
A dead. lock is a thing which cannot be picked
II must be broken. -Fraaktord Herald.
A New York broker says Oscar Wilde Is "strad-
Sling the market-short on trousers and long
on brains.
Il Is suggested by the New York Commercial
that the hens are the lay members OF the BARN
yard conference,
The great scarcity OF ca0bages this year LEADS
the New Haven Register to detect a slight flavor
Of tobacco in Conn ctient cigars.
good old lady of Plymouth, Mass, collected
money for the benefit of poor family and bought
groceries for them. The family are now suing
her for the cash.
The Boston Transcript knows that the reason
why George Washington was not made lawyer
was because he gave himself away by saying that
he could not tell lie.
A goat owned by Georgia judge has long
horns on his legs MS well as on his head--eigh-
teen In all-and he will probably form the nu-
deus for fine odd Fellows lodge.
There is a scandal in the Philadelphia bar.
"Some of the lawyers have lnpsed into the care
less and disres pectful habit of addressing the
Court while wearing tIelr ovcrcoats
Force of habit: "Stop the press" the editor
fraptically shouted 10 the young fellow VINO was
huggiAg his sweetheart.-E|mira Free Press
Another case: telegraph man went to a
concert The viollnist played very nicely, hold
ing the audience spebound, until suddenly a.
string snapped, The telegraph man shouted:
"Wres down, by George"
A country editor, who has been elected a.
measurer Of bark, calls upon everybody owning
dogs TO bring them to his Office and have Their
bsrks measured. -.SomervHc Journal.
Two highwaymcn recently stole New York
editor pocketbook aud then dashed toward the
ferry They were of course captured, AS they
didn't have money enough to cross.-hetc York
Dispatch
Senator Fair, of Nevada, is the richest man in
congress, II not the richest Office holder in The
world. He lives in Charles Summers old Wash
ington quarters and devotes his leisure time to-
the study of questions Of inance--1r1Gane.
He should hire Logan as teacher. He mas.
tered the whole subject in two weeks.
An aged negro WAS one day showing the sears
OF wounds inflicted by the lash when he was a
slave. What picture, exclaimed sym npn
ed brother "Gats de work OBJ one OBJ de old mas
ters "-Ne1r York Post.
There was great guessing at Denver on the
number Of beans in a jar, the prize being S25
oyercoat The exact count proved to be 36, An.
The winner guessed 36,49l. The pext to him
came a guess Of 80, 400. The guesses ranged all
the way from 1900 to 100000 Very few Den
verites appear to know beans.
If Anna Louise Cary marries Mr.. Lorrillard,
the tobacco man, we may expect to see cline
CUT of the couple in the illustrated papers
Norristo,cn Herald. Anna will probably appear
in bright wrapper and he in plug hat.-Ba-
ton. And thus they will "stem" the current Of
life. - Decatur Revie,c. And why not. If they
chews?
"Come, paw that bill for board you owe;
I've dunned you long enough, you know"
~ would, Miss Brown, but then" said he,
Consistent you are not to me-"
"Indeed! Prove that" che screamed "and |
Will board you free and feed you pie"
"Agreed! Well, then, Miss Brown" said he,
"You say you've dunned me. Do you seey
''You also say, and not in fun,
That womens work Is never dun"
How smart you are, young man." she said,
And with board she broke his head.
"Ohl Pm consistent now" yelled she
81 said I'd give you picn' board free"
heshy grl-Addie Pose. A pugnacious girl
-Hitty Magin. A girl to be avoided-Black Ma
ria Cambrdge Tribune. musical girl-Katy
Did. A handsome girl-Isa Bell.-Horna A
very bad girl-Em Bezzement.-P hilddelphia
Mirror. A very hard girl-Ada Mant. -Saurddy
Night, muchly married girl-Big Amy,-De
Kena. An aTectionatc gir-Em Brace. Baton
An Oneida Community girl Polly Andry. A
tasteful girl Sal Ad An ancient girl-Geuc
Sis. A Paris girl-Helen. A sweet grl--Carrie
Mel
SMITHS DREAM.
Said Mr.. Smith to Mr. Jones:
1T rather forward seems;
But would really like to know
II you believe in dreams"
"Belieye in dreams" said Mr. Jones,
81 do with all my heart"
And then began, to Mr.. Smith,
His knowledge to impart.
Excuse me, sir" said Mr. Smith,
"For interruptng you:
had dream the other night,
| fear will not come true"
ooh, yes, it will" cried Mr.. Jones,
81 know they never fail
And then began moor Mr. Smith