Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1882-04-09
THE Arkansas AGUE.

"Speakin' bout the Arkansaw ager, I"
said the man with the sandy goatee and
squint eyes, as he leaned back in his
chair, "that's whar you saw my heart
strings, in case I've got any left to saw
on"
Did you ever live there?'
''Did I? Well, reckon I sort O. e1
,sted in them parts goin' on fifteen
years."
"And you had the ague?"
'Had it? Why, I wallered in it
Gentlemen, gaze on me p
The crowd gazed.
"When moved down into Arkansaw
from Tennessee, risin' of sixteen years
ago, [ was purty-I was, for fact. ]
had a dozen skule-marms in love with
me to once, and hang me up if every gal
in the ballroom wouldn't break her neck
fur the honor of dancin' with me. Yes,
L was purity and was good. was so
purity that children cried fur me, and so
good that I was taken fur a preacher on
more'n hundred occasions. Whar' has
my purity gone? Whar' is my good
ness? Good! Why, I've got to be the
;nfernallest alligator in the hull swamp,
and I'm CROWN meaner at the rate OF a
mile day! Fact-solemn fact, and
that cantankerous ager is to blame fur
the hull of it. I've got a squint to my
eyes, my nose has bin driven back an
inch, andwhat teeth I've got left have to
be wedged in every Sunday with pine
pegs or I'd swallow 'em. Purity! Why,
the sight of my phiz down in st. Louis
killed q Texas steer dead'rn door nail,
and I was tryin' to look handsome at
that p
"You said you had the ague?"
"Said so! Do you s'pose all the
other calamities in this hull kentry could
have busted me up in that way? You
bet I had 'er? I struggled with 'er right
along fur 'leven straight Vars without a
let-up. Gentlemen, let me harrer your
souls with few timely remarks. Your
Michigan ager is grasshopper, and one
dose :of kyneen knocks 'er dead. Out
in nlinoy the ager is bigger-about like
squirrel. In Missouri she's about the
size of a woodchuck, and when she
strikes down into Arkansaw she's wolf
three feet high, seven feet long and
built to take hold like a thousand buzz
saws. Great slams i! but what tussels
have had with that ere critter Say,
did yer ever ride in a one-hoss wagin'
over a stone quarry? Was ye ever seat
ed on the top rail Of fence when hur-
ricane moved it at the rate of six miles
mint? Did ye ever have a clycone
pick ye up and mop ye over forty acres
of river bottom, wollop ye through ten
acres of wood and use ye for teol to
knock down hundred acres Of cane
brake! Well, that hain't the ager-not
the Arkansaw kind; it's only the fust
faint preliminar;es.
He stopped to reGght his cigar and
then continued:
s'Maybe yell git some idea of the Ar
kansaw ager when I tell ye that once
unlimited both shoulders in shakin', and
it was light shake at that. When I
had on one Of my regular double-back-
action shakes I could jar jug of whisky
out of the crotch of a tree twenty-eight
rods off. Nobody dast pile up cord-wood
within half mile Of my cabin, and
that's a solemn fact. / devoured ky
neen just as you eat corn beef, and my
hull system finally got so bitter that a
dog who smeIt of my leg couldn't get
the pucker out of his mouth inside of ten
days. Gentlemen, [ do not wish to
prolong this agony. We viii have some
Ticker, and I will then seek few needed
reposes."