The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-07-20
WIT AND HUMOR.

''died without the aid of physician"
and adds that ''such instances of death
are very rare"
Wife-''But, my dear, l shall catch
cold coming down SO late to let you i'm
Husband-'tOh no, my love, I'll rap
you up well before you come down..
Reading from the local paper: Lost,
blue sapphire gentleman's scarf-pin,"
etc. SchOolma' am, meditatively-"What
a jewel of man he must ber'
Young Swell: "Fraulein Mathilde,
may | offer you my armP" "Mathilde:
''Oh, this offering your arm is getting
monotonous. Why not offer me your
hand for a changer"
"Adolphus, let us leave the avenue
and stroll along the margin of the riv-
er." mot any, Evangeline; no more
margins for me-" (Adolphus had been
specializing in futures that week.)
The broom-drill mania is extending
all over the country, but it is noticed
that the young ladies who are most eX-
pert in the drill generally go off on
visit when house-cleaning commences.
Said Kate to her new husband,
"John, what rock does true love split
nponP" Quoth John, and grinned from
ear to ear, 1.-The rock of yonder cradle,
dear"
We saw young man going zig-zag
up the street the other day, singing,
s'Money is hard thing to borrow" A
wag exclaimed, 'Yes, and tight thing
to pay back
Said Tom: ''Since have been abroad
I've taken so much veal that I'm
ashamed to look a calf in the face" Il
s'pose, sir then" said wag, you con-
trive to shave without glass"
A witty lady, who is, however, some
what given to eXaggeration, was trying
to tell friend what a poor appetite she
had, and said. II eat very little; a flea,
would be barbecue for me-"
lis the bowling of q dog always fol-
lowed by a deathP'' asked little girl of
her father. "Not always, my dear; be-
cause sometimes the man that shoots
misses him." was the reply.
Young ladies with artifcially clear
complexions should not permit the
men to kiss them on the cheek if they
would become married To go off
quickly, they should keep their powder
dry.
''What did you do to break that
vase?'' "Ah! Madame, nothing could
be easier. had it in my hand-like
this-and 1 struck it against the corner
of the table, So" And he breaks the
mate to it.
A man adyertises for an "amiable
wife,s' and has had the supposed treas
ure for one week, expresses himself
thus obscurely: She hadn't been in the
house twenty-four hours before the milk
soured."
An auctioneer, by birth native of the
Green Isle, caused to be printed on his
handbills at a recent sale, every ar
ticle sold goes to the highest bidder, un-
less it SO happens that some gentleman
bids more"
Young man (wishing young lady to
notice his embryo mustache) ''Well, I've
been trying to raise mustache for the
last two weeks" Young lady-'I am
sorry you had it shaved off before saw
it." Young man faints.
Courting episode: The gothic style OF
handwriting, now so popular among
young ladies. may have its disadvant-
ages. It-is said that Il young man who
received specimen of it could not tell.
for the life Of him, whether it was "Yes,
with pleasure" mo, thank you," or a
sketch of q picket fence.
Cook" Madame, may / ask you for
nv testimonials" Mistress What dc
you expect me to write, you worthless
creature? Surely, you can't expect me
to say that am satisfied with YOU
Cook-''Isn't necessary. Only write
that | remained with you three months.
That will be my best recommendation
A certain preacher once took fer his
text, Husbands, love your wives
Pausing for moment. he glanced to.
ward Emily, (his wife) and began as
follows: Now, bretherinG, we sartiply
don't love our wives as we'd orter.
don't love Emily as l orter, but if l was
to have another wife, I'd love her bet
tern hev Emily?'
The father of the family examines his
watch with perpleXity. Il can't under
stand, my love-" he says to his wife
''what's wrong with this watch. Isup-
pose il wants to be cleaned" ''Oh, no
pa" replies one of his olive-branches, .
''it can't be dirty, for baby and were
scrubbing it all morning in the bath-tul
with the hair brush, and we used plenty
of soap"
A man of good address presents him
self at II house. desiring employment
The gentleman TO whom he applies, af
ter asking u few questions, says: ''Well
my good fellow, like your looks, anC
Pm willing to engage you" Il have
also n favorable impression of monsieur
and | will give him an answer after
making inquiries in respect to the house
which will result, have no doubt, mos
favorably."
An Englishman, being accustomed t.
pace his room late into tie night, ant
wearing heavy shoes, his neighbors or
the right and left, and in the story be
low, combine and make him a presen
of the most comfortable pair of slippers
that money could buy. The English
man receives the gift with gratitude, anC
is SO pleased with his slippers that HI
puts them on whenever he goes out t.
walk, reserving his shoes entirely TO
the house!
I'M S., Little Rock, Ark: "Can yo,
give me any receipt rpreserving fence
pOstsP Please reply in your next issue.
we can 10 IL. we nave asked sever
al ladies, and all of them say they neve
tried it, believing that it would take too
much sugar, and that the thing wOuldn'
be much of a delicacy any way. Blu
they say if you want to know how to fl!
tomatoes or can green corn they cal
flood you with information. Teras Sitl
ings.
A New Notion Engaged Sister Zen
gagged to thing with cheques-that
to say, checks that is to say, wit
both)-"Oh, how nice! The Providen
Lovers Mutual Assurance association
Qimited), guarding against all acci
dents-and see! If lie dies, or gets bro
ken all to pieces, or anything, you sc
oh, how jollyr' Engaged Young Ma
-"And if the girls looks fall off, an
all that does it say anything-r' Chol
as: "Thc idea! Is it likelyP'
"What colored frame will you have
ma amp" inquired shopman of n lad
who had called to have her prosperity
husbands picture framed. ''Well, yo
ought TO know more about it than |,
was the lady's reply. 81 want fran
that will match the picture" 20, {