The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1882-07-02
LARES AND PENATES.
by JASON JErFIiIEs.

the benellt oil the Fourth Brick Church,
but one of the deacons entreatcd me 10
do so, and as had lecture written up
on the general subject Of Home" with
the title "Lares aud Pcnales,n | con-
scented to deliver it, without any fee, in
the chapel adjoining the church.
As nothing was charged for admis-
sion, the purpose being 10 take up col
lection, the room was quite twO-thirdS
full. | took my seat in chair upon the
platform, and presently was introduced
to the pastor, upon whom deyolved the
duty Of presenting me 10 the audience.
The good man approached the perform
ance of his task with arather discourage
Ing air OF deep sOlemnity He said, in
effect, that while innocent amusement
seemed 10 he encouraged he questioned
the propricty Of using it as means Of
getting money for the church He CON
fcsscd to serious apprehension that
the forthcoming discourse was Of rather
a frivolous nature. For his part he had
opposed the scheme of having the lect-
ure, but he had been ovcrrulcd. and now
he wished it 10 be understood that he
washed his hands Of the whole business.
Then he invited me TO come forward
began the discourse and for about
five minutes | got along, ! thought,
quite well, Then | heard some one
snoring II was snore expressive Of
deep, intense, satisfying peace. Each
snore was long-drawn, profound and
sOnurous. The sleeper manitestly was
experiencing the most serene rcp0se.
The sound annoyed me exceedingly. 1t
seemed a reflection upon my discourse.
After enduring it for awhile ! caught
the eye Of a man on the front bench,
and by nodding and contracting the
muscles Of my face indicated that
wished him to rouse the sleeper, He
arose and went over to the snoring man
and carefully examined him Then.
without disturbing him, he came TO the
edge Of the platform and whispered to
me:
lie seems pretty comfortable. Do
you want him for anything in partcu-
lar?'
thought perhaps it would be better
TO let the matter drop.
There were directly in front OF me
young man and girl whowere evident
~ lovers. saw him furtiyely squeez-
ing her hand two or three times, aud he
became conscious that ! was looking at
him. He then folded his arms, and fix
ing his gaze upon me with AN air Of
deep interest in the lecture he began to
feel for her foot with his. Even with
my eyes upon the manuscript ! could
see that young mans foot pushing out
10 the RI rht and sweeping all about in
search for her foot, She seemed to have
it tucked away far under the bench, for
he could not encounter il, although hc
sat forward on the very edge Of his seat
and thrust his foot underneath, until |
was really afraid he would lose hi, bal
nnce and tumble over upon the floor,
But he looked s,cadfust.y at me during
i.rr. .r.,.m . although lis face
w.. -,a.,v t distorted by his eXer-
tio3,
The plUt.om was 'i,hbi only by a
~, hrac,o. uunu lHr WA, at tie rear Of
the desk and had some difficulty in
reading ny manuscript, SO after getting
through With twenty or thirty pages /
stopped and asked that the iauit0r, ithe
were present. would turn up th" gas n
little bit. The janjior attempted to do
50 but he turned the key the wrong way
and put the gaS out At once hcarda
noise near 10 me ~ of kiss, and felt
that the young man had begun to I'M
prove his splendid opportunities. All
The Sunday-school boys in the room
whistled ychcmently upon their fingers,
and il was with difficulty that the good
pastor could be heard urging that the
best thing to do would be TO adjourn. A
deacon. however, protested that the coll
lection had not been taken up, and that
il would be little short Of madness to
dismiss the audience. Then the janitor
crcpt upon the platform and asked me
TO hand him a match, and in few min
utes we had the gas lighted and were
ready for fresh start The man who
snored slept swcctly and snored evenly
all through the period OF excitement
He seemed to enjoy himself Thoroughly.
Then | came to the most pathetic and
impressive passage in my lecture, and
in the very midst of it the snoring man
suddenly awoke and began 10 ap.
plaud The audience joined him feebly,
excepting that the young man on the
front bench clapped his hands vigorous
w. possibly for the purpose Of diyertin9
my attention from the fact that his foot
was resting at last lovingly upon hers
But there was no applause when
read my concluding paragraph anc
withdrew to the chair at the head of tn,
platform. People seemed to feel re-
leyed. One deacon took his stand n
the door. and two others started up the
aisle with the collection baskets. The,
began with me. Both came up and helC
their baskets at me- and 1could not wei
avoid dropping something in one TO
the whole audience was looking at me
One of the deacons before leaving M
said:
II thought it was going to be a hu
morous lecturem
While the collection was taking, thu
pastor rose and said he felt it would no
be right to permit the opportunity II
pass to answer upon the spot, the argu
mcnt advanced by the lecturer OF th'
evening in favor of polygamy.
interrupted him to say that he ha'
mistaken my meaning. ! had not fav
ored polygamy. What said was tina
,ho ln,v ,vLinh oiycs a widow third q