Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1882-12-09
~ SHOULD SMILE"


a Dutch Judge in Nebraska on conyic-
ton of culprit for having four wives.
dccilcl: "lIe hash punishment blcniy;I
Ifs nit oue!"
When woman wants TO get rid of her
husband for AN hour she sends him up
stairs TO ge; something FROM The poke; Of
one OF her dresses.
An oil City lady who, upon going Into
the kitchen, found the cook nearly scallcd
TO death, remarked. "wril done, thou good
and faithful servant"
when will there be only twenty-five
letters in the alphabet" asked u bachelor
teacher. "When and | are male l." an-
swered young laly pnpil.
a. think the goose has the advantage of
you," said the lsndlady 10 an inexpcrt
boarler, W no was carving. Guess hc has,
mum-in age" Was the quick retort.
4 Brooklyn woman, bat 80 years of age,
has Ral six husbands. Perhaps it would
be just as well TO chain her up now aud
give some OF the old maids chance.
An Iowa farmer bet II new hat that he
could cross The railroad track with his
team before the train came up. lie lost
by ten feet. The distance Was measured
10y his heirs.
"Anl row ash," said Mr.. Tslmagr.
striking the Bible u heavy blow, "what il
the distinctive feature OF to-day's religious
prcs>?" To clip without giving credit,
Mr.. Talmagc Trdrclcr.
a Pennsylvania woman who thought
she had used arsenic instead of baking
powder ia her biscuit, solved the question
by feeding them to two trampS. The
;ramps were a dozen biscuits ahead.
Texas auctioncer pulled out revol-
YER aud announced: "lf any man goes
frolickiug around while this sale l. going
on, shall interrupt his career. Put them
shot guns over by the fence an leave 'cm
thar
"You are such strange girl" said
Charley; really, ! don't know what to
make of you." "wcll, then, III tell YOU,
Charley" replied AramiLta; "makc a
wife of me-" Charley did SO at the earliest
opportunity.
\ youl or New York ordered pair of
pantaloons Of lis tailor and returned them
~ TOO tight. "Iou told me TO make them
skin light, said the tailor. "Ics," sai:
the youth, "but can sit down in my skin
and can't in thcse."
a Troy stove firm has received letter
from The West, In relation to the purchase
Of 4 heater for church, which concludes
as follows: "The heat 'r furnished 10y You
for the church u. - works bully. GNn
us your rock bottom prices, rs We are o r
but very pious."
maiden lady said to her little nephew:
ono, Johnny, YOU go TO bed caIl and
always do so so, and you II be- rosy checked
aud handsome when you grow up"
johnny thou sht over this "a few minutes,
and then observed: "well, nuntic, YOU
must have sat up n good deal when you
were young"
81 declare" exclaimed Fogg at The din
ner table to-day, "ths is the most anec-
tionate pie | ever saw" "Affcclionaic
pie"' cried every one al the tHLlc, includ-
ing the landlady. "Ics," said Fogg; "tle
up; er and the lower crIIsts are 20 ronfouBd-
cd afIcciiouatc that the cook couldn't get
anything between them"
A Boston editor bounced the cook,
II l.
aud made bee line for the office aud
wrote: "lf you want to mike the world
brighter and better, begin by being Kind
and loving to those IN the small circle Of
your own family, aud from that ~ a center
work out as you are permitted TO CO."
! Had him there: "You have been np
here before me half dozen times this
year" said an Austin Justice, severely TO
local vaSrant. "Comc, now, Judge,
none OF that. Every time I've been here
I've seen you Lerc. You are here more
than am. People who live IN glass house.
should not throw stones. ."-TeTas SiftngS.
"What other business do YOU follow be-
sides prcaching;" was asked Of an old
colorcd man. IL speculate n little"
"Speculate?" "sells chickens" "whcrc
do you get themf" my boys fetch ',m
in" "Wherc do they get them?" II
dan know, sab. ESQ alters 30 busy Wild
my preachin' dat nin't got time to AK.
] was gwine ter inquire dc uddcr day,
but 'yiyal come OIL an tuck up AL my
spare time"
In response TO All inquiry for conrt-
plaster the other day a druggist handed
out a piece about six Inches square aud
asked the boy II that wonld 20. dun
no" was the doubtful reply. "Wbo ID II
fcri' "For father" "Dossn't is say
how large pieee." "No; but know
that isn't half large 'nougb. Ma hit him
with the whole side OF the wasbbonrl at
once, and that won't begin TO cover the
| clip"
4 man in Fort Worth, Texas, purchased
mule from farmer for SIS. Some Gays
later ne returned, his counte nance glowing
with an expression Of gratitude, and beg
ged the seller to accept t25 more. "But
got all / asked - demonstrated the honest
agriculturist. "Never mind" persisted
the man, "rpake IL 81 clear hundred" The
farmer reluctantly received the money,
and the two were about parting, Wien the
purchaser Of The animal said: "YonH
come 10 :lIe fuuernl, won't you ?" "Hhos,