Connecticut western news., 1882-03-08
WIT AND WISDOM.

COLUMBUS Mdu0 bu6 0SS StdAIty uub Italisns of less renown made the peanut stand.
 IT IS yet an undecided question which is of more importance to its possessor. a ladys trunk or an elephants.
 AN exchange says William H. Wander bilt is $52 old. We thought he was nearer $52, 900, ,000.-Ha,0keye.
 SAYS the Rochester Express eve never saw @ wife so color-blind that she could not tell when her husbands nose was red"
 THEY have brand of whisky in Ken lucky known as "The Horn of Plenty because it will corn you copiously.-- Detroit Chof.
 PENURIous young men who go of sleigh-riding alone, should remember that there is law against sleighing without bellies.
 Ar A fashionable wedding in Phila- delphla recently, the absent-minded or ganist played Empty is the cradle."
 He was retired on half pay.
 els SNOW warming ?" asks Vermont
 paper. Egad, yes. You get good solid
 snowball tunked into your ear and you'll
 think the ear is afire for the next two
 hours.
 THE New York shaver who read his
 verse the other day. "Keep thy tongue
 from evil and thy lips from girls" had
 no authority, perhaps, for his revised
 version. but the teaching was sound.
 A YOUNG gentleman, an amateur ar
 tist, was displaying to his admiring
 friends bird that he had made in clay. But his eyelids dropped when the pun
 ster said, eff that was baked it would be very fine brick bat"
 IN A trial before Justice at Dodge , City, Kansas, & witness who was being bullyragged by a cross-examining law yer called on the Court for protection. The Justice handed him pistol. ''I have no further questions" said the lawyer. , "I SHOULD think" said young Blunt. . ing, to his fathers old friend, MT. This @ tlepod, "I should think you could @ raise splendid grapes on this farm" : "Don't know," replied tho old man du- !, biously, "hain't tried to raise anything @ but mortgage on it for the past three l. years, an I hain't raised that yet" CAPTAIN PERcrvAL, Cape God mari l. ner of the old school, was once
 awakened in his bunk by a shipmate n with the announcement that the vessel d was going to eternity. "Well," replie l, the captain, "I've got ten friends over ,r there to one in this world; let her go. :" B And he turned over and went to sleep 8 again.
 d THE ladies sometimes speak very e harshly of the sterner sex. "The gen.
 tleman you are to marry" said noodle r. to newly engaged lady, "is certainly e very good man, but he is eccentric and
 entirely unlike other men," "Well, 'e was the curt reply, eff he is unlike g other men it is all the more probable ss that he will make good husband" A BILL has been introduced in the i' Legislature to establish ''bureau of
 labor statistics," with @ secretary ct
 1000 8 year, and board of commis- o. sioners at $5 per day while actually em- ployed. The bill does not state who ~ ~ the offices are created for, but we sup.
 pose such bureau is 'imperatively de- e. manded," or some of the best workers U U at the polls will kick. .-Milaodukee Sun. rd THEY were out sleighing. "Gussie, ,v- dear," said she, as she leaned tender
 cheek on his manly checked ulster, ar "why are these snow flakes like your Ne moustache?' This pleased him, even Ia to have it noticed. "Idon't know, pet, '
 he murmured innocently. "Why are in they ?" Because they are slow com s ing down." He drove with both hands to after this.-Harvard Lanepoon.
 Foaa has a neat way of turning ( co compliment now and then. Seeing tho 70; elderly Miss PAngly in the street ths or other day he tried to avoid her, but did at not succeed. When they met, said Misl ne Paugley, "Oh, you naughty man You of wanted to cut me-" Replied Fogg, ty quite blandly, "I should be cutting {
 a pretty figure, wouldn't IF" Mist Pangley tells her friend, Miss Sage Ter green, that MT. Fogg is 8 perfect gen ls- tleman.-Boston 7rGnscript. lat cor what is the surface of the eartf St. composed 2" "Of corner lots, might, poor roads, railroad tracks, base bal ds grounds, cricket fields and skating ITS rinks." "What is a map?" "A maj 'er is drawing to show the jury wher' to Smith stood when Jones gave him Tiff under the eye." "What is mariner' 'os compass?" "A jug holding four gal of lons." "Name the different races. nst Horse race, boat race, bicycle rac' ol and racing around to find man to in oie ? dorse your note."
 ONE afternoon a stranger, observint
 a stream of people entering church
 approached a man of gloomy aspect
 who was standing near the entrance for and asked: els this funeral ho Funeral no ;" was the sepulchral CT eys swer "it's wedding" "Excuse me ray sir," added the stranger, "but The thought from your serious looks ths we you might be hired mourner." No, at returned the man with a weary, faro he look in his eyes, "I'm the son-in-law lad the brides mother"
 to "I AM feeling very unwell to-da. nao My head aches, my liver is out of orde he I'v. oot the soiatica. my pulse is feebl