Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-08-11
f. u N
Brother Gardner on Slang and Egypts.

.sIf Brudder Pizarro Grant am in de hall
tonight he will please step for'd,'' began
the old man as Samuel Shin struck the
triangle and sent its quivering notes dane
ing along the ceiling. Brother Pizarro
was present, and he stepped, his eyes hav-
ing squint of alarm and his knees losing
their sand with every motion.
ssBrudder Grant, continued the Presj-
dent, "You am young man on de doah
step of life; you war very tight pants an
very short coat, and very narrow hat
an you look decidedly toretch-er-cte. De
great world am befo' you. If you begin
right no man dares bet two to one dat you
won't sit in Gobernor's char befo' you
am fifty. If you begin wrong it will be
safe to bet 1000 to muffin dat you will
bring up in state Prison befo' you-am ten
years Older"
'sYes, sab, Lee tryin' to start right"
said Pizarro, as Brother Gardner stopped
to swallow pint of water.
81 hope SOL hope so, but I doubt it.
Brudder Grant. Ize had my eye on you
fur some leetle time back. doan' fink
you would lie or steel or burglar or forge,
but you has fallen into one very bad hab-
it. De odder day you met a friend in front
of my cabin, an when he axed you if you
war gwine on de excursion you replied dat
you would gasp to gurgle.' On annoder
occashun heard you remark dat you
would mix to murmur.' Again you OBJ
served dat you would sigh to stife.' Only
an hour ago you advised Pickles Smith to
bet his sweet life.' What does all desc
fings mean, Brudder Grant?'
81 doan' know" replied the victim, as
he stood on one leg and scratched his
head.
s'Nor either. lie looked up de Latin
an French an German an Greek Ian
guages, but can't find any such expresh-
I'm as hire hail. see you in de grave
yard,' or I shout SMILE. Why do you
make use Of emp"
81 doan' know"
.sDen stop.it! If plain English am not
good huff fur you to 'spress your thoughts
in. Farm Spanish or Chinese. 1t am all
right for sweet young gal who has been
frew college to remark dat she would litter
to grin, but SIGH 'spreshuns doan' sound
well, comm from young man. If l
should 60 home tonight an tell my ole
woman dat would perspire to eYentuate,
or Autograph to animoslty, she'd look me
straight in de eye fur thirty seconds an
den would come climax in which nay hat,
head an broomstick would all be mixed
up.
s.Return to your seat, Brudder Grant; SO
back an sot down wild determin ALTON to
avoid slang and do your talkin' sauar'
from de shoulder. When you git tired of
beef go into grocery an ak fur Goldfish il
plain English, an dean use any mo- Ora
tory dan am necessary to secure full weight
an git rid Of quarter wild hole in 1t.
We will now purceed to ssplit de regular
order of bizness down de back an let out
de sleeves"
NOT TONIGHT.
Somebody hit Elder Toots in the head
with peach stone, and he awoke and of
fered resolution to the effect that Amer
lea entered her solemn protest against TIT
action Of the British in Egypt.
s'De resolushun am entirely out Of Or
der,'' replied the President as he tossed 1t
into the wood-box. "What goes on oven
de sea am none O. our business tall. If d.
British want to lick de Turks, or de Turks
want to lick de British, OATS muffin to us.
Elder Toots!''
Eyes, sah.''
s'Has you got a cabbage patch this
y'ar?"
'sYes, sah.''
s'Den you tend right to yer cabbage an
let the British Government tend to Egypt.
When you cum to our meetins remembe
dat you have the asthma an doan' try to
talk too loud or too much"
The Elder sat down in one time and
three motions, and In forty seconds had re-
sumed his nap.-Detroit Free Press.
HAT FLIRTATIoN.-The latest craze is
the hat Irritation. is too utterly utter,
too, intensely intense. The following is
the code: Wearing the hat squarely on
the head, I love you madly; tipping it over
the right ear, my little brother has the
measles; pulling it over the eyes, you must
not recognize me; wearing it en- the back
of the head, ia! tai taking it off and brush
ing it the wrong way. my heart is busted;
holding it out in the right hand, lend NE
a quarter; leaving it with your uncle, l
have been to church fair; throwing it al
policeman, love your sister; using it as
fan, come and see my aunt; carrying a
brick in it, your cruelty is killing me-;
kicking it up stairs. is the old man around;
kicking it across the street. I'm engaged;
hanging it on the right elbow. will call to-
night; hanging it on the left elbow, am
badly left; putting it on the ground and
sitting on it, farewell forever.
1t is worth remembering that when a
man despairs of getting good weight at
his butchers, he can get all the wait he
wants by BY dropping IN at the barber s on
Saturday night.
Such progress has been made in photo
graphy that ''dry plate'' can now be
used. We shouldn't be surprised if some
day restaurant advert sed edry
drink
The men who are now wearing low shoes
and handsome stockings. Bye-and-bye they
may get to hiring small boys to hold up
their pants while crossing muddy cutters.