Connecticut western news., 1882-08-16
WIT AND WISDOM.


 so, Oscar had better run.
 WHAT's in nameP A landlord ex- pects two per cent. more rent when the street is called an avenue.
 "GENTLY the dews are OCT me steal- ing" as the man said when he had five due-bill presented to him in quick suc- cession.
 THIS IS Vennor's "year without summer" If we had had a summer along with the hot weather we could not have endured it.-Norristo,o Her ald. e..
 "YoU are weak" said woman to her son, who was demonstrating against her marrying again. "Yes, mother" he re- piled, "so weak that I can't go a step father"
 ARABI's mistake was in not sending representatives to America, holding big sympathy meetings, ordering lot of internal machines and starting a. "skir- mishing fund. "-PhiladelaohiG Nes0s.
 FAREWELL" was the title of poem sent to newspaper; and the cruel editor, in acknowledging it's receipt, said, "It is good thing that the gifted authoress bade it good-by, as she will never see it again"
 A JAInER had received strict orders not to keep any prisoners in solitary confinement. Once, when he had but two in charge, one escaped, and he was obliged in consequence to kick the other out-of-doors, to comply with the regu- lations.
 THE weather bulletin says "the rivers will remain stationary" This is truly ungrateful on the part of the riverr. After the liberal appropriations that have been bestowed on them, they should each and all rise, if only to ex-' press their thanks.-Boston Iranscrtfof. THE girl who sings to an admiriDg company in the parlor, "You must wake and call me early, call me early, mother dear," is the same creature who expects her mother to make the fire, get the milk, and bring her breakfast up to her room.
 GIRLS come West A Massachusetts man paid only $10 for hugging girl. A Brooklyn man paid $5 for osculating an unwilling damsel. An Iowa man had to put up $3,000 for kissing his cook. The cooks the thing.-BIoona- tngton (I1l.) Eye. l THOUGH croup and colic and kerosene,
 And cramps in the water when bathing unseen, And watermeions and apples green, Of their wonted mission have missed ale l There is still this perfect certainty given l To the average youngster of six or seven. l Who yearns to find short out to heaven; l Let him go and get toy pistol | VANpYKE BROWN. "WHAT shall we do with our girls f'' is one of the current questions in Phila- delphia. Do with 'em Why, don't you knowp Bless your innocent soul, just let them grow into womanhood, and then the question will be answered or reversed, as it were, by the proposition, What will our girls do with usP And it's conundrum all the way through.
 WoMAN's rights and lefts: Elderly Spinster (who is being measured for Q pair of boots)-"And mind that you make one larger than the other" At- tendant (with astonishment)-'Then they won't be fellows, na'am r E. 8. \ (with asperity) )-"Oertainly not; do r not like fellows, and I will have nothing
 whatever to do with them l"-Jtsdy.
 "Bur why did you leave her SO
 hastily ?" asked smpathizing friend
 who was trying to console lover for
 his separation from the object of his
 idolatry. "Oh, it was a sudden i'm pulse." "What sort of an impulse ?"
 "I don't know exactly" returned the
 sufferer, thoughtfully, ''but it must
 have been at least No. 12."
 STUDENTS want to know what is meant by the word ''loot" in the war
 dispatches. Why, lute is a, thing with strings that you strum with your fingers. Hence, anything that you can
 get your fingers onto, that's lute. For example: You deposit your money in
 New Jersey bank. We'll, that's loot; but you don't get any of it.--Burlsag-
 ton Ha,okeye.
 ''Is THE Turkish civil servics system, :" asked traveller in the Orient of apasha, s'is the Turkish civil service like ours Are there retiring allowances and pen-
 sions, for instance?" "My illustrious
 friend, and.joy of my liver, 1" replied the
 pasha, s'Auah is great, and the pub.
 func. who stands in need of g retiring allowance when his term of office ex-
 pires is an ass 1 I have spoken. A LADY and her little daughter, pass ing out of church, the child bade good by to poorly dressed little girl. "How , did you know her ?" inquired the motk-
 CT. "Why, you see, mamma, she came into our Sabbath-school alone, and I made place for her on my seat. and l F smiled and she smiled, and then we were , acquainted"
 3 AN Austin wagon dealer sold wagon t to @ granger living on Onion CreeF, 8 more than five years ago, and has not ! got his money yet. A few days ago f the countryman came to. town in thsi @ very wagon, and the wagon man dunned t him for ths amount, saying: "You have a had that wagon so long that it is nearly d worn out, and you have not paid for il a yet" "Yes. that's so," retorted the !. countryman, scornfully, "and here you
 come and want me to pay as much fol
 a worn out old wagon that has been in l. use five years as you asked for 1t when t it was new. We'll, you have got cheek.