Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1882-12-28
HumOrs of the Day.

Of you, said the landlady to an mex
pert boarder who was carving. Guess
nc has, mum-in age was the quick
retort.
It knocked the man about crazy to
find that the button he had "by mis-
take" put in the contribulion-box was
one OF set for his wife's sacque, and
they cost 80 cents apiece.
Widow woman Ito chemist, who was
weighing a grain of calomel in dis
pens.ng prescription for her sick
child): "Man, ye medina be sac
scrimpy wi't-'tis for puir faitherless
bairnl"
Said crafty husband to his business
partner: 81 promised my wife an i'm
mense surprise on hel birthday"
"More extravaganza" 81 shall give
her nothing; it viii be an immense
surprisel"
In the way of thanks: Young lady,
writing love letter for the kitchen
maid-"That's enough now, isn't it?"
Kitchen maid-"One thing more, miss;
just say please excuse bad spellin' and
writin'."
A chlld speaking of his home to
friend was asked: "Where is your
homer Looking with loving eyes at
his mother, he replied: "Where
mother is."-Our Dumb Animals.
Nearly all children appear to like to
stay in dry-goods stores.
"My dearest Maria" wrote a recently
married husband to his wife. She
wrote back: dearest let me correct
either your grammar or Your morals.
You address me, MY dearest Maria"
Am to suppose you have other dear
Marias?'
The coolest storm of the season was
experienced by young man from the
upper part of the city who escorted q
young lady home last Sunday night.
and was detected by her father just as
he was putting his mustache where it
would do the most good.
| A pretentious person said TO a lead
ing man in country village, Glow
would lecture by me on Mount Vesu-
wins suit the inhabitants of your viii
lager Every well, sir; very WELL" he
answered. "a lecture by you on
Mount Vesuvius would suit them a
great deal better than lecture in this
|
village, sir"
whats orbs, Sallie p "Orbs why,
as to how, Maggie. Who said so ?"
"Well, you know that city chas as was
sparkling me last night, and he looked
me square in the face, and sung out:
'O if / could always bask in the ehul-
gence of those bright orbsp ''Humph!
guess that must be what they call
eyes that squint; but what do you sup
pose he wanted of basque?"
In Julia's eyes, al live in Julia's
eyes," said an affected dandy in Coll
mans hearing 81 don't wonder at
it," replied George; "since l observed
she had a sty in them when | SAY her
last"
Comparisons are odious; Miss Ethel
Ton Donkey" wonder what Ian
guage, Balaam spoke-Hebrew, sup
pose" Miss Ethel" Hebrewl And l
find even French so difficult. "-London
Paach. acknowledgements
A classical item: The remark Of the
pious Hneas, the classic exclamation"
Horresco reierens ~ shudder to re-
late. is supposed to be the prototype
of the modern expressions, " should
blush to murmur," should litter to
calculate" etc-Lo'0eH Citizen.
Reproof: A wealthy stock broker,
passing along the street, surprises a ten
year-old urchin with his hand in the
stock brokers' pocket, attem pting to
perform the handkerchief trick. You
young scoundrell' be exclaims, with
severity, ARE you not ashamed of
yourself to steal-at your age?"-Paris
Paper.
An unfeeling wretch: "What do
you think of getting Algernon for a
Christmas present. asked South End
motherlof the cold man." "Hahl Is
Christmas coming again, so soon?
Well, a pair O skates, | guess" "a
pair Of skates Why, the poor child
would bre K through the pond and be
drowned" "Then ! shouldn't nave to
rig him out next Christmas"
Why he got the shot: Fitznoodle is
a Nimrod who goes out very often and
brings in rabbit or so. Fltznoodle is
an enormous eater and nobody else
gets much of the rabbit. ~ wonder
why nobody gets any of the shot OK
cept me-" SAID Fitznoodle, taking "a
grain OF shot out OF ms mouth. be-
cause nobody else gets any Of the
rabbit, | suppose" responded Mrs
Fitznoodle with telling sarcasm.
No time to lose, A young blood
who ls about to enter into the holy es-
tate of matrimony goes to seek the ad-
vice of an old friend, nis family doctor.
"The girl, you see, says the young
man, with engaging frankness, hasn't
got any tin now, but she has rich
uncle with heart disease that" 81
don't know about that, says the doc
tor, rehectively, "a man with heart
disease is apt to live much longer
than" "But it is serious case.
Only this morning they called in your
eminent colleague, DR.. X. -.
"Then if they have, marry her, sir;
you haven't a minute to lose.