The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-12-16
THE PARAGRAPH EIEND.
The first case OF black msle--Ham.

1 uONcmCut VI W. NC
The extreme penalty for bigamy--Two
mothers In law.
Great men always have large mouths.
Nature has to make some provision for
pie
There has no new expedition started Ia
search for the north pole for the last four
weeks.
The craving for whisky IS said to be a
weakness of the throat, but such people are
very careful not to try the cold water cure.
Late In life George Washington rode In
his own carriage, but IN his earlier years
he took hack at the cherry tree.
Marshall Henry is still talking. The
snake who lived seven days after his head
was cut off IL now looking for back seat
on the top row.-Lakeside Musings.
Mr.. Kelley IS still arguing IN favor of
cheap whisky The suspicion that Mr..
Kelley will eventually become confirmed
stalwart grows stronger every day.-Ib.
A young lady attending balls and par
ties should always secure female chap.
eron until she is liable to call some male
chap her own.
When woman wants to get rid of her
husband for an hour she sends him up
stairs to get something from the pocket of
her dresses.
An exchange heads an article Murder
Most Foulm We suspect it was intended
rs Thanksgiving essay; for that IS the
time of the year people murder most fowl.
1t is said that Joaquin Miller has writ
ten but four poems since his marriage a
year ago. Some movement regarding a
testimonial to Mrs. Miller should be begun
at once.-Ch,cago Tribune.
The Denver Inter Ocean says that ex-
Senator Dorsey keeps flag flying over his
house in New Mexico as Il sign to travel
ers that his latchstring hangs out" If
some OF Dorsey's starroute friends come
along the tch-string will be missing
ID.
In western town, the other day, a young
man was shot at, but the ball lodged In a
Testament which was IN his vest pocket.
There ought to be beautiful moral in this
incident, but, unfortunately, the fact re-
mains and if he had been reading the Tes-
lament he would have been killed.
A certain church IN Michigan has been
struck by lightning dozen times, and
now, whenever the preacher shows signs
Of getting long.winded, and passing from
his "seven.hly" to his "eighthly," the or.
ganist slyly initiates the sound of ap-
proachlng thunder on the pedals. The re-
suit is that the preacher finishes his ser
mon and starts the doxology in an amaz-
ingly short time. The congregation has
increased the salary of that organist
An indignant gentleman once Called on
an Editor to see about Piece which had
Appeared in the Paper. Eyeing him Care.
fully from head to Foot, the Editor asked :
"How much Do you Wcigh?" To this
the indignant one replied: 1900 pounds"
"Ah," said the Editor, THAT Beng the
Case, it affords me Pleasure to inform you
that the Piece to which you Object is a
Typographical Error HIc fabula Docet
otium cum dignitate ct Tu brute ad astra
-Denuer Tribune.
The London Truth tells this story OF an
ingenious clerk in the British Admiralty.
A gentleman with whom he had slight
acquaintance asked him whether he might
come to his room to see the recent review
of the troops on their return from Egypt.
Certainly" replied the clerk. "May
bring my wife?" Eyes" II have two
daughters; may they Gomez" "By all
means" A second time the gentleman
called to ask whether q few nIeces might
be added to the band. To this the clerk
cheerfully assentcd. 1--WE cannot be suf-
iclently grateful to you" said the gentle.
man, "for enabling us to have so good a
view Of the review" 81 am afraid" an
swered the clerk, that you and your faml-
~ will not see very much Of It, for my
room looks ont into a back yard"
The Boston Post says that an ardent Re.
publican OF Jamaica Plains told his wife
before the election that If Massachusetts
went Democratic he should leavs the state.
Upon waking the morning after election
he found there were no signs of break fast,
and that preparations were making for a
move. His wife informed him quietly
that the state had gone Democratic, and
he called savagely for paper tina, he might
know the worst II was brought to him.
and he WAS closeted with it for some time.
Then coming to the door, shouted to his
wife, Get the breakfast, Mary; no matter
about moving, there isn't any place to 20
to-"
WARNING TO THE YOUNG.
A little boy went out to swim,
And took a cake Of soap with him,
AND slimed each supple little limb.
And when he on the bank aroyc
One long, last downward look he cove,
And then into the water dove.
And trying to regain the top,
In vain, alas, he tried TO flop
He went SO fast he couldn't stop
he ~.