Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1882-03-30
Mamsrsms Rspasttaeat.
ode GONENESs OBJ DE PAST"

On the assembling Of the Lime Kiln Club,
Brother Gardner, the venerable and dusky
president of the association, remarked, as the
rattling of feet died on the calm evening air,
Professor January Sunbeam, Of Mississippi,
am waitin in de ante-room to address de
meetin on de subjeck OBJ DE Geneness oh de
Past De professor am not only known all
ober de lientry fur his theories on astronomy,
but am lie only man in America who can skin
a woodchuck in seben minits by de watch.
Sir Isaac Walpole, you an Giveadam Jones
will put on your yeller kid gloves an long
tailed coats to escort de professor into de hall.
In about five minutes the stranger made
his appearance and was greeted with burst
of applause, which upset the water-pail and
filled the shoes of eight or ten of the nearest
members. On taking the platform he was IN
troduced by the president, handed piece OF
slippery elm to keep his throat moist during
his oratory, and then he bowed and began:
'''My dear fren's, whar am de past ? Look
fur it under de bed, down cellar, up stairs, in
de wood box or whGr you will, an you cannot
find it. Why? Kase it am gone. 1t has
slipped away like streak O. grease rlnnin'
across de kitchen foo, an it will nebber, neb-
her return. (Sighs from all over the hall. J
Do you meet Plato as you 60 up de street
Do YOU fin Cicero waitn' at de ferry dock
Do you h'ar of Diogenes hangin' round de
Union depot to work de string game on some
greenhorn Not any Dey belongs to de
past an gone Dey sleep in de diHaness OBJ od-
der centuries Whar' am de glory OBJ de Ro-
man empire Whar am Caesar an Brutus
an Cassius Let de dust OBJ de past answer.
Much blowing of noses.
s'My fren's, de past am not de fucher, any
more dan day after tomorrow am day befo'
Yesterday As time fades so does glory fade.
To-day you march at de head OBJ de purceshun,
yer hat on yer ear, an red sash tied aroun'
YER body-to-aaerrow you may be in Jail fur
borrowin somebody's woodpile to keep your
feet warm (Sly and suspicious winks all over
the reem.) Do not prize de present tee hlgh-
ly-do not forget de warningsob de past. We
cannot recall de past, but We can look back
an see whar we took advantage OBJ cloudy
day to pass Decent piece off fur quarter.
Cheers and appiause.1
s'My hearers, we should not lib fur de past
bat fur de fucher. What am it to US as we
riz up in de mawnin' wheder Cesar met Ais
mother law at de depot or forbid her hls
house? What an it to us as we retire to ollI
humble couches fur de night whether de ora
tors of. Athens creased deir butes wild lard OF
went bar foot? AS we sit on box in de ally
to consume our MONDAY lunch we car moi
wheder Brutus dyed his goatee or went clean
shaved. ('No! No!) But de fucher am tug
wild events. To-day we may be full OBJ ser
row. If so we hope dat de morrow will bring
squar meal of roast possum and baked pota.
toes. Great smackipg of lips.) If the present
am full of biles an chilblains an heart aches
de fucher may be rs bright as a eats eyes
shinin out of d bar'l on dark night. Nebbel
look back on de past. 1t am as much gone
as three cent piece paid out for Fourth OF
July lemonade. Nebber despair OBJ de fucher
Il G,o
work de skeercest, you may find lost wallet
or strike some butcher willin' to give credit.
(Shouts of applause.) My frien's am dun.
Thanking You severely for your infectious dis
traction, 'rambulate to my seat wild odiferous
feelings of concentration towards each an
ebery one OBJ yoa.'
During the wild excitement which followed
the close of the mastery effort, Samuel Shim
and Trustee Pullback fell upon the hot stove
in an enthusiastic embrace, bringing down
seven joints of stove-pipe, which dispersed the
meeting.