The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1882-03-23
A TRIAL OF ENDURANCE.

My dear" queried Mr.. Spoopendykc "did
you put those oysters on the cellar floor, with
the ronnd shells down, as | told you to ~
Il did most of 'ein, replied Mrs. Spoopendyke,
"Sume of em wouldn't stay that way. The;
turned right over
'Must have been extraordinary intelligent
oysters" muttered Mr.. Spoopendyke, eyeing her
with suspicion. "Didn't any of EN- stand up on
end, and ask for the morning paper did they r.
lyon know what | mean," fiuttered Mrs.
Spoopendyke. They tipped over sideways,
and 81 laid them Oh the fiat she'll"
That's right" granted Mr.. Spoopendyke
lyon want to give an oyster his own way, OF
you'll hurt his feelings. Suppose yon bring us
some of those gifted oysters aud an oyster knife,
and well eat EN-"
Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away and pat.
tered back with the feast duly set out on a tea
waiter, which she placed before Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke with flourish.
snow, said she, drawing up her sewi1g-chair,
aud resting her elbows on her knees and her
chin on her hands, ''when you get all YOU want,
You may open me some
Mr.. SpOopeudyke whrled the knife around his
head, ana brought it down with a sharp crack
Then lie clipped away at the end for a moment
and jabbed at what he supposed was the open
ing. The knife slipped, and plOwed the bark off
his thumb.
won't came open. will We - he snorted, fetch
ing it another lick, and jabbing away again.
Haven't completed yonr census of who's out
y
it another whack. Praps We think | haven't
fully make up my mind to call within. don't
yer and he ranmed the point of the knife at it,
knocking the skin off his knnckle
That isn't the way TO open oysters sug-
gested Mrs. Spoopendyke.
'LOok here" roared Mr.. Spoopendyke, turn
ing tiercely on his wife, '.have you got any
private understanding with the oysterf Has
the oyster cnniided in you the particular way in
which he wants to be opened p
Mao" stammered Mrs. spoopendyke. son
~ thought"
This is no time for thought ~ shouted Mr.
Spoolen' yke. hanging away at the edge of the
shell. It is is the moment for battle and I've
happened Ia calch this oyster during office
hours; he's going to enter into relations with
the undersigned. Come out will We !- he yelled
the knife flew up his sleeve.
May he Won don't recognize the voice of
Spoopendyke. Come ont. You dod gasted cow
ard, before We make an enemy of me for lifew
and he belted away ut the shell with the handle
of the knife, and spattercd mnd like dredging
machine
Let me get Won hammer to crack him with, -
recommended Mrs. Spoopendyke, lowering over
her husband in great perturbation.
Don't want any hammer howled Mr. Spoop-
endyke, sIamming around with his knife.
'Spnse IN going to Use brute force on a dOd
gasted fish, that | conld swallow alive, if
could only get him out of his house? Open YOUR
measly premises, ~ raved Mr.. Spoopcndyke, stab
bling at the oyster vndietiyely, and slicing his
shirt sleeve clear to the elbow. Come forth,
and enjoy the society of SpOopendyker' and the
worthy gentleman foamcd at the mouth, rs he
sunk back into his chair, and contemplated his
stubborn foe with glaring eyes.
III tell YOU what to do" exclaimed Mrs
Spoopendyke, radiant with a profound idea
Crack him in the door"
That's the srhcmer grinned Mr. Spoopen-
dyke with horrible contoriions of visag-. Fetch
me the door. Set the door right before me on a
plate. This oyster Is going to stay here. Ii Won
think this oyster is going to enjoy change of
climate until he strikes the tropics of Spo0psm-
dyke. yuu don't know the domestic habits of
shell-tsh. Loose Your hold" squcaled Mr..
Si'onprndykr, returning to the charge and
fetching the biyalye a prodigOuS whack.
Come into the outer world, where all is gay
and beautiful. Come ont, and let me introduce
you tn my wife," and SpuUpendyke laid the Ovs-
ter on the arm of the chair, and slugged HIM re-
mor>elesSy.
"Wait" squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke, ''here is
one with his mouth OPEN and she pointed can
tinusly at a gaping oyster, who had evidently
taken down the shutters, to see what the
was about. :
Don't care dod gasted nickel with hole
it L." protested Mr. Spoopendyke. Thoroughly
impatient. ''llerr's one that's going to open his
mouth, or the resurrection will find him still
wrestling with the osteusible head of this fam-
ly. "Ow," aud Mr.. Spoopendyke. having
rammed the knife into the palm of his hand,
slammed the oyster against the chimney piece,
where it was shattered, and danced around the
room, wrigslins with wrath and agony.
Never mind the oysters dear cried Mrs
Spoopendyke, following him around. and try
ing to disengage his wounded hand from his
armpt.
who's minding emf" roared Mr. Spooopen-
dyke, standing on one leg, and bending up
uOubie. 81 tell We, that when / start to infct
discipline On a narrow-mnded oyster that won't
either accept an invitation send his regrets
he's going tn mind me, Where's the oysteri
Show me the oyster. Arragn the OYSTER
Upon my word, you've opened him. gig
gled Mrs. SppoOpendyke, picking the smashed
hivalvr between the tips Of her thumb and fore
finger.
won't have him. shifted Mr. Spoopcndyke
cycling the broken shell, and firing his defeated
enemy into the CRATE. ''If | can't go in the
front door of an oyster, Tn not going down the
semitic, That all comes of laying 'em on the
flat she'll, he continued, suddenly recollecting
that his wife 10 blame for the whole bust
ness Now, you take the rest of 'em down, and
lay 'em as | told you to-
'.Yes, dear
''And another time you want any oysters, Won
sit around in the cellar. and when they open
their mouths. you put sticks in. You hearr
"Yes, dear"
And Mrs. Spoopendyke took the bivalves back.
that the next time they were in de-
mand, they would crawl ont of their shells and
walk up stairs arm in arm, before she wouId
have a hand in the mutilation of her poor, dear,
suffering husband, by bringing them up herself
brooklyn Eagle.