Morris tribune., 1882-07-13
THE TRIBUNE.
Issued Every Thussdsy as
Morris, Stevens Co., Minnesota.
f. w. RANDALL,
PUBLISHER.
Official Paper Of Village and County.
Terms: s2.oo per Year In Advance.
GREAT SOCIETY MAN.


didn't he?" asked the jester, who isn't
very we'll posted on these things. "He
did," replied the fat passenger, proudly,
who Is one of the way-ups, and wears
three kinds of pins, and watch seal
that nobody can read, with Sunday,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and all
the rest of the ten commandments in
itiated on it. He did," said the fat
passenger, as he bent thirty-third-de
gree-in-the-shade look upon the man on
the wood box, who IS only mystic nail
eater of Jericho, and only dates the
Origin of his order back to the days of
Beelzebub. Solomon" the jester re-
marked musingly, was a very wise
man, an extremely numerous father,
and an eNtravasantly ditfusive husband.
He had more wives, of full rank and
brevit, than there are women in Olean.
And have no doubt he was good eN-
emplary Mason. Only, l wonder, if he
had been content with one wife if he ev
er would have invented lodge night?
"Now, out in Burlington, where live
the Jester went on, hastily breaking in
on the Fat passengers attempt to say
something, there was a woman, neigh
Dor ofmine, whose husband belonged to
more lodges and societies, and fratcrni-
ties, and leagues, and orders, and unions,
and cluds, and rites, and things than the
two ofthem could count ina week. Why,
he went to bed in regalla. Plain, but re-
gala. And from force Of habit he used
TO call his wife 'Worshipful Mistress and
he addressed his children as Junior
Wardens,' and Chief Tough Moguls,'
and most worthy Bashi Bazouks,' and
other wicked and pagan titles. That
mans children had Il vague idea that
they were in some close degree blood re-
lations of solomon, and they told their
Sundayschool teacher that their grand
father worked on the Tower of Babel,
and they always spoke Of Hiram Abitt as
Uncle Hiram And this man used to
boiler, and hold one corner?
of the blanket, and grease the pole, and
help heat the pitch nights when there
was a candidate to be assassinated; and
he watered himself into dropsy a. Good
Templar meetings, and fermented HIM
self into q beer-vat at Druid piCnics, and
ate himself into chronic indigestion at
Odd Fellows SupperS, and sat up nights
WITH Grand Army Comrades, and visited
Masonic widows, and comforted Knights
of Pythias orphans, female-slXteen
years and upwards-and he danced him.
self into paralysis, and got his eyes
blacked at all sorts Of balls, and had a
good busy time of it, and was considered
capital fellow because he had to write
S. 0. g. T. w. and Is. B. @. E.; and E.
O.. D. If, and w. 3. 7. p. d. after his
name every time he wrote a letter or
registered at hotel.
''Well, one day there were several
things going on all at once IN our town:
There was a grand convoCation Of
ton of Hope lodge, No. S2777, l. 0. 0. F.,
and Druid picnic, and Hibernian
benevolent society ball. and fraternity
symposium. and Grand Army parade,
and two or three baZaarS, and a masked
parade of the T. o. Ms, and a fireman's
tournament and fight, and a choral-union
rehearsal, and a choice meeting, and 9
baseball match, and regatta, and q
croQuet quarrel, and in the effort to at
tend all of them in full regalia the man
overdid himself, came home all tired
out, told his wife he didn't believe he
felt very we'll himself, and went straight
to bed. HIS family never saw the man
again fOrsi1 weeks. And the days were
IUduo DlLSS d11u lllS II1gllIS were ultiuC
noisy by all manner ofcommittees, wear
ing all manner of badges, coming to in,
quire after the sick man, and to sit UP
with him, and to bring him all manner
of comforting things-gruel and jellies
and water ices, and tarrapin soup, and
peanuts, and ice cream and cake and
pie, and watermelOns, and tracts, and
fiat TASKS, and new stories. and sand
wiches, and egg-nogg, and cigars, and
COnundrums, and Jokes on the boys, and
all sorts of doctors-homepathists, allo
paths, water-Cures, Swedish movement
cures, eclectics, new school, old school
regulars, guerillas, Injun doctors, faith
doctors, kneaders, slappers, and heal
ers."
And the man got we'll. He mad to-" the
Jester added, noticing the expression o
inCredulity that settled upon the coun
tenances Of the passengers; ''there were
too many Of him to die at once. While
they were wrestling with one of hin
the rest Of him would get the bulge or
them, and he pulled through. And wher
he was quite we'll and all theft, they had
a grand union picnic for his benefit, tc
which all the societies to which he be-
lOnged were invited. The family natur.
ally rejoiced at this, and supposed they
would get front seats all the way, as they
were closely connected with the circus
Instead of this, however, they were
treated to a surprise. The procession
organized with the man himself anC
three eminent brethren of vastly supe
rior degrees, in the first carriage. TheI
came brass band. Then came more
carriages, containing eminent brethren
from visiting lodges, every man witr
enough initials after his name to stock
railr6ad the o. I. C. U. R. F. L. Y, anc
the r. S. T. q. V. X, and the G. U &
A. l.. L. u, and the 7. 0. M. and the G
A. d. and the J. U. G., under the seat
Then came whole procession of chap
lains-lodge chaplains-on foot swearin,
at the dust.
And away off, two and half mile
away from the band, came the family, il
the street, hoofng it. When they finally
got out to the picnic grounds, the mem
bers of the mans domestic househo
were again pleasantly surprised, bein.
stopped at the gate by an outside sentin
al, who clubbed them off to the right
There they found an inside guard, Wht
promptly chased them off to the left
Then they ran into boy seven YEAR
old, with white hair and red necktie
carrying clothes prop, and bearing il
his own official person the enormous ant
overbear1ng title OF Royal and Thrice
Puissant Knight of the Mighty Arm anc
Potent Keeper of the way And whe1
they got away from all that alive, the,
were finally 'shooed away and wavet
off down the road, and told to get out o
there and keep away or they'd get int
trouble, by little old man With boy
legs, a hair lip, wart on his nose, a ball
head, and green goggles, who the al
frightened and awe-stricken intruder
afterwards learned was His Most Good
ness Gracious Nibs, the Four or Fiv
Times Renowned and Most,,i Awful
Magnificent and Resplendent Fly-up-the
Creek to the Muldoon. A secret societ
is sweet boon, but man has to be kim
of careful that it doesn't grow on him.
r. F. Burdette.
Political Points.
The greenbackers of Alabama have mad
the following nominations: J. J.. Sheffield
governor; A. S. Townsend, secretary ofstate
p L. Jones, attorney general; J. NJ. Mont