The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1882-02-03

Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away and pat
waiter which she placed before Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke with flourish.
''Now," said she, drawing up her sewing
chair, and resting her elbows on her knees and
her chin on her hands "When you get all
you want you may open me some."
Mr.. Spoopendyke whirled the knife around
his head and brought it down with sharp
crack. Then he clipped away at the end mo
ment and jabbed at what he supposed was the
opening The knife slipped and plowed the
bark off his thumb.
won't come open, won't yel" he snorted,
fetching it another lick, and jabbing away
again. Haven't completed your census of
who's out here working at ye, have ye?" and
he brought it another whack. "P'raps ys think
1 haven't fully made up my mind to inquire
within, don't ye?" and he rsmmed the point
of the knife at it, knocking the skin off his
knuekles
"That isn't the way to open an oyster" sug-
gested Mrs Spoopendyke.
''Look here" roared Mr.. Spoopendyke, turn
ing fiercely on his wife. 'Have you got any
private understanding with this oyster? Has
the oyster confided in you the particular way
in which he wants to be opened?"
'No-o!' stammered Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"ODly thought"
"This is no time for thought" shouted Mr.
Spoopendyke, banging away at the edge of the
she'll "This is the moment for battle, and IL
I've happened to catch this oyster during office
hours, he's going to enter into relations with
the undersigned. Come out, will YEP he
yelled as the knife flew up his sleeve. "Maybe
We don't recognize the voice OF Spoopendyke!
Come out, ye dod gasted coward, before ye
make an enemy of me for life' and he belted
away at the shell with the handle OF the knife
and spattered mud like dredging machine.
"Let me get you hammer 10 crack him
with" recommended Mrs Spoopendyke, how
ering over her husband in great perturbation
"Don't want any hammer" howled Mr.
Spoopendyke, slammiDg around with his knife.
IS pose I'm going to use brute force on dod
gasted fish that could swallow alive II could
only get him out of his house? Open your
measly premises!" raved Mr.. Spoopendyke,
stabbing at the oyster vindictively, and sicing
his shirt sleeve clear to the elbow. Come
forth and enjoy the society of Spoopendykel'
and the worthy gentleman foamed at the
mouth as he sunk back in his chair and con-
templated his stubborn foe with glazing eyes,
"Ill tell you what TO dol" exclaimed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, radiant with profound idea.
"Crack him in the doorp'
That's the schemei" grinned Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, with horrible contortions OF vsage.
"Fetch me the door. Set that door right be-
fore me ON plate. This oyster is going to
stay here. If you think this oyster is going to
enjoy any change of climate until he strikes
the tropics of Spoopendyke, you don't know
the domestic habits Of shell fish. Loose your
holdl" squealed Mr.. Spoopendyke, returning
to the charge, and fetching the bivalve pro
digious whack, Come into the outer world,
where all is gay and beautiful. Come out and
let me introduce you to my wife," and Mr..
Spoopendyke laid the oyster on the arm of his
chair, and sugged him remorselessly.
'Wait' squealed Mrs Spoopendyke, heres
IL - NaA
cautiously at gaping oyster who had evident
ly taken down the shutters to sec what the
row was about.
''Don't care dod-gasted nickel with hole
in it," protested Mr.. Spoopendyke, thoroughly
impatient. "Here's one that's going to open
his mouth, or the resurrection will find him
still wrestling with the ostensible head OF this
family. Owl' and Mr.. Spoopendyke, having
rammed the knife into the palm OF his hand,
slammed the oyster against the chimney piece,
where it was shattered, and danced around the
room wriggling with wrath and agony.
''Never mind the oysters, deaI," cried Mrs
Spoopendyke, following him around and try
ing to disengage his wounded hand from bis
armpit
s'Who's minding emp" roared Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, standing on one leg and bending up dou-
BILE. ST tellye that when / start to inflict dis
cipline on a narrow-minded oyster that won't
either accept an invitation or send regrets, he's
going to mind mel Where's the oyster? Show
"Upon my word, you've opened himP' gig
ged Mrs Spoopendyke, picking up the
smashed bivalve between the tips Of her thumb
and forefnger
Wont have himI' shifted Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, eying the broken she'll and firing his de-
feated enemy into the CRATE. "If l can't 60 in
the front door of an oyster, I'm not going down
the seuttlel That all comes of laying EN- on
the fiat shell" he continued, suddenly recol-
lecting that his wife was to blame for the whole
business. Now you take the rest of 'em down
and lay 'em as l told you to-"
yes, dear"
"And another time you want any oysters,
you sit around in the cellar, and when they
open their mouths, you put sticks in. You
hear?'
"Yes, dear"
And Mrs Spoopendyke took the bivalves
back, resolving that the next time they were
in demand they would crawl out of their shells
aud walk upstairs arm in arm before she would
have any hand in the mutilation of her poor
dear suffering husband by bringing them up
herself.