The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1882-12-30
SELECTED aTsCELLAxY.

You can induce boy to eat tar by
forbidding him to do SO.
Langtry says: ST am not pretty; I am
beautiful" and we suspect she half tells
the truth.
Aquack doctor would look with dis
gust upon present of cane with
ducks head carved upon it.
There are $50, 700 Masons in the
United States, and not more than half OF
them claim to be the Oldest
English papers seem to be as densely
ignorant of American politics as the
politics OF their own country.
It is now in order for the youth who
smoke cigarettes to form a-league re-
fusing to kiss the girls who chew gum.
"What would you do, Mr.. FL. if your
wife died?" asked Mrs. D. NJ. H.,
(who is very methodical)-"I would
bury her.
The man who claims to have seen q
rainbow after dark should prosecute the
| liquor dealer who sold him his varie-
gated concoction.
So much fun has been made of the
"Hub's" favorite food, that Bostonian
know BEANS.
He who carries horse chestnut in his
pocket to keep off rheumatism is the fell
low who is afraid to look over his left
shoulder at the moon.
An artist remarks, "The best part of
beauty is that which cannot be ex-
pressed" We always thought that pow
der and rough were sent by freight.
"Convict this man of being gam
bler?" said the Texas Judge. II won't
hear of it. He's an infant in cards! Why
I beat him out of $120 last night-when
I was pretty drunk, too"
! A good old Quaker lady afterlistening
to the extravagant yarns of person as
long as her patience would allow, said
to him: Friend, what pity it is sin
to lie, when it seems so necessary to
your happiness!'
"But how did you happen to lose the
nomination? A majority of the dele
gates were in favor of you and every
body supposed you would be candi-
date" so did I, and it was all owing
to certain man being taken unex-
pectedly i'll" What man?" s"Hhe man
I hired to get the boss drunk"
| L
have disobeyed your grandmother, who
told you Just now MOTTO jump down those
steps?" .'Grandma didn't tell US not to,
papa. She only came to the door aud
said: Il wouldn't Jump down those steps,
boys And shouldn't think she would, /,
an old lady like her
beautiful young woman, whose veil
caught fire in Troy, N. Y, church, re-
ceutly, was rescued by the youthful Of
ficiating clergyman, who wrapped her in
his robes supply-seyeral elements of
romance-but the usual consequence is
rendered impossible by the fact that this
girl was the "bride of the church" and
her rescuer priest.
Slim John, we'll known on the West
Side said to very stout German friend:
Hans, why is it that can't raise q
stomach like yours?" ''Vas dot SOP"
replied the citizen of Teutonic propen-
sites. "Dot vas an easy Won and you
don't forgot it. You vas seed does car
penter building does houses? Veil, vas
you effer see dem patting pay windows
on does sschmokehouses?"
A stranger dropped in one morning ut
a Washington drug store and called for
bottle of Congress water. The intel
ligent clerk .dncked beneath the counter
and promptly produced bottle of old
Monongahela. The customer tasted it,
and then. depositing his glass, remarked,
"Do you call that Congress water?"
'sThat's it" answered the pill COM
FOUNDER, smiling pleasantly. Every
congressman who comes in here drinks
it."
"Will you please pass the Shem?"
asked quiet man at lunch counter.
Haven't any?' squealed the girl in at
tendance. 'tSome Japhet?" aeried the
quiet man again. Don't keep itr'
squeaked the damsel. IT say" chipped
in curious passenger, "what do you
mean by Shem and Japhet?" Nothing" !"
responded the little man dolefully, ''only
the Ham is so old and musty that
thought the rest of the tribe must be
around somewhere, and I'd like to see
en-"