Democratic messenger., 1882-04-08
WIT AND WISDOM.

A WIT being asked, on the failure of
bank, "Were you not upset? p re-
Piled: ''No, only lost my balance"
Two LOVERS lean across the gate--
And 20 not yet" she maketh moan.
The fierce. far-bouncn, father comes
She swing, th on the gate alone.
LONDON Punch: Maglstrate-"D
You know the nature of an oath, my
boy?" Witness (promptly >" Yees,
sir. Must take it sir-'relse 1 can't be
member O. Parl'ment, sir u
1T takes but thirteen minutes to lead
an elephant on railroad train, while
1t takes twenty for any sort OF woman
to kiss her friends goodbye and lose
the check for her trunk. k.-Detroit Free
Press.
A Utica clergyman had occasion to
refer in sermon to the prophet Jonah,
| and the report saws that he delicately
spoke of him as having "passed three
days and three nights in the whales
ahem-society."
81 AN going to tell you a true
story" said Colonel Bragger, land
truth, you know, is always stranger than
fiction" "Yes, the kind that you put
in your true stories beats fiction blind"
remarked by-stander.
NJ. PRUDHoMME instructs his grand
child: "Grandpapa, the sun is brighter
in summer than in winter, is it not ?"
Yes; and it's warmer and enjl bet
ter health" "Why does it enjoy bet
ter health p Because it gets up
earlier"
"DoNT go chopping away at the
branches" said an old woodman to his
son. clay your ak at the root of the
tree" And, like a dutiful boy, he did
as he was told. He laid the az at the
root of the tree and then went off for a
days fishing.
IT is awful embarrassing for Con-
gressman to have bill suddenly called
mp and discover that he has left his
memorandum book at home and he
can't, for the life of him, recollect
which way he had agreed to vote on
that matter. boston Post.
A FLORIDA man the other day killed
rattlesnake by throwing a glass OF
whisky IN its face. Now we understand
why Oil City hunters invariably take
quart bottle Of whisky with them when
they go cunning. We had been told
that it was a good rattlesnake antidote.
but we never knew how it was used,
Derrick.
WIEN a newspaper now speaks OF
''the late war;" it is impossible to tell
whether it refers to the Southern rebel
lion or to the recent oyster war in Vir-
ginia waters, in which the Governor of
the Old Dominion achieved such q sig
nal victory with his eunboats. and re-
turned home covered with glory, mud
and the rheumatism .-NoTriStotU Her
aid.
4 LITTLE girl whose mother of
talked to her of Heaven in such aw
that she considered it a glorious shi
ing place above the sky, crept In b
tween the curtain and window OIL
evening, and stood for long time gaz.
ing into the sky. Suddenly she bounded
to her mothers side, exclaiming,
Mother oh, mother I know now
what the stars are God punches hoes
in his floor, and that let's the shine
down."
A TEACHER, IN giving her class their
first lesson on opposites, found it diffi'
cult for the children to understand. and
from the wor1 "sugar" and
its opposite, vinegar" thought she
had made the difference Ineligible.
"What is vinegar" she inquired.
"Sour," was the response. "l think
you understand now. Please tell me
what is the opposite of polite" A cloud
of hands was raised, and a chorus of
voices exclaimed, "Sour."
A WASHINGTON correspondent says
that o very good story of back pay-is
told by Representative Harris, of
Virginia. "I voted against the bill,
said he, "but took the money. When
l was up for reelection they threw it
up at me ON the stump. ! told them
that | had tried to beat the bill, but had
taken the money, yet l thought they
would forgive me when they heard
what I had done with it. 1 took that
money down into Virginia, said /, 'and
gave it to a poor woman with seven
children, and / told her to use it for
herself and the children, and the thing
is not bit worse because that woman
is my wife. don't think lost vote
by that back pay business.
ct AM thinking of going to Texas t.
live, but [ have heard discouraging ac-
counts of the lawlesspess of the people.
Please tell me if the laws are enforced
by the people of Texas?" Certainly
they are enforced. Take, for example,
the Homestead law, law that secures
to the owner 200 acres of land in the
country or a s., 1000 lot in the city, ex-
emption of said farm or city lot from
forced sale. They cannot be sold to
satisfy the owners creditors. Now it
would fill you with admiration to see
how these landowners insist on seeing
that the Homestead law is enforced, and
the miserable creditors, who would
break the law if they could, are effect
nally suppressed -Teras Sftings.
Home is more to a woman than to a
man. 1t is her temple. She is its god
dess, its priestess-but oftener its jani-
tor. A man doesn't look so longingly
back at the old home, though it never
cost hinr a cent, bought all his clothes
and sent him to college. A man likes
his home when he gets acquainted in it,
because there his stupidity passes for
the profoundest wisdom. His jokes are
all laughed at (though it needs q gloss
airy to get at their meaning) if ne only
;,,ISooka. tba Ion0hiuo f1laoa Whan a