The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-09-04
WIT AND HUMoR.

Atsthe6AA&so AASsS H4AO1 -
years old. Knows all the buoys in the
sound, you can bet.
John, what is that scar on your
chimp That scar? Oh, that's relic
of barberisn, .
Julia Ward Howe saws women do not
fall in love any more. Perhaps not, but
they continue to have all the symptoms.
1T is always summer somewhere"
remarks the New Orleans Ptcayane.
Let us go somewhere next winter.
1t has been discovered that the United
States relations with Egypt are very
distant. A careful computation places
them at 1000 miles.
Next we shall. have coat-tail flirta-
ton code Having the coat-t;fiI covered
with mud will mean: Il don't like her
father
..They tell me you have had some
money left you,' said Brown. Yes"
replied Fogg. sadly, sit left me long
ago.
''Jones, why do YOU send your wash
to u Chinaman2H Jones-ssI don't"
You don't?" Jones-s'No; he comes
and gets it,
Princess Beatrice now manages the
royal establishment at alrt the palaces.
and will not marry anybody. Next
thing you know that woman viii buy a
cat.
A girl who sets out to look graceful
in hammock has as much work on
hand as the man who tries to be languid,
with saw-log following him down
hill
Hans Won Bulow, the pianist. is
to.
Amalia katilarina Josepha Schauzer.
When she adtis Won Bulow she viii
have real seyen-octaye name.
A Denver CAinaman. who has gone
into the ice cream business recently, has
the following sign near the door: You
catch 'em fieezy belly two bittee all
same Sian Ffaneisco.'
Calino's wife goes out to work. The
other day. as she reproached him for
getting up SO late, he replied: ''Ah.
madam, sleep very slowly, and need
in consequence much more time to re-
pose than you
Fogg asserted the, other evening that
he knew n woman who never appended
a postscript to letter. Everybody was
astonished until he inforaed the COM
pany that the woman he referred to
NsiNA L hhofs AOe ~ W
A desperate man in Bloomington, H..
advertisess for "a cook. good or bad.
with orr without Recommendations. to
remain Tor life or only a few months"
He further comedies that 1.-The family
will be docile and obedient"
t'What ais you?" asked Jones of q
VIGOROUSLY poor actor whom he met the
other day; you look ill., $50 am.
The doctor saws my liver don't act
Remarkable likeness between YOU and
your liver" said Jones.
At restaurant on a Virginia rail-
rood a traveller threw piece of pie out
of the window and had to pay $500 for
breaking three ribs of boy. He didn't
know it was loaded, but they wouldn't
take that excuse.
Two Rochester maidens. enjoying Sill
yer lake, telegraphed their father:
Come and bring Bess." He came and
with him several kegs of pale Bohemian
lager. The telegram read s'beer'' in
stead of Bess. The mistake was taken
in, of course.
Judge, severely-How do you know
the defendant is a married MANI Were
YOU ever at his housea mo, SIR
Did any body ever tell you they were
married? mo, sir; but when | see a
man and woman come TO the same
church regularly for three years, occupy
the same pew, and have a hymn-book
apiece. to sing out OF. don't want to
see no marriage certificate. / can swear
70 their, relation all the tine.''
= ssyEi4at is the key to the great mystic
~ -of~death?n solemnly inquired the
orator, pan>ing inlpressivelv. And the
man in the front seat. who had been
coughing all the evening, huskily re-
piled that he reckoned it must be q skel-
eton key.
''What did you say the conductors
name wasp '.Giass-Mr. Glass" s'Oh,
nor But it is. .-Inlpossible-it can't
be-" ..And why moi. pray?" '.Be-
cause. sir, glass Is a non-conductor."
Deafenhg Applause 4raa the scientific
passengers.
The me:t,IeSt kind of n mean man is
the one who. seein- another living in
hammoc'.. howls dog fight so that
he may see the victim try to get ont
of the hammock quick, and get slung
about six Ss;1amersaHlts with mud in his
mouth.
A Miciiisan paper claims that snakes
destroy rats and mice. anl-there should
be law for il.ssir protection. The edi- |
tor of thai paper las doubtless found |
that snakes are becoming so scarce that |
when he asks for Il quart of whisky for |
snake bite no one will believe him.
The policeman saw that the mob was |
bound to wreck the building. and his |
own unaided efforts could not beat them |
of. But he had the 'presence of mind |
TO run around the corner and yell dog |
a IT. l