The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1882-09-15
Wit and Wisdom.

SIS YOUR master in?' asks visitor of the
servant of man about town, treasure of
honesty and truthfulness fresh from the coun-
try. "He is, but he cannot see any one, sir!''
"Ah Is he sick? Nothing serious l hope"
'No, sir. He's drunkl'
Horsford's Acid Phosphate Lemonade.
DIR. G. @. OLMSTEAD, Milwaukee, Wis,
says: 81 use several bottles in my family, an
nually, as Lemonade prize 1t highly.
A grave and dignified d. D., after listening
to the recitation of the cstechism by class OF
children, was asked to make few remarks to
them! Whereupon he arose and said: 81 de-
sire, my young friends, to express an unquall-
fed appreciation of this exercise. regard the
catechism the most admirable epitome OF
religious belief extant." The superintendent
pulled his sleeve, and asked him TO explain the
word epitome. which he elucidated as follows:
''By epitome, children mean-that is-it is
synonymous with synopsis! neutrality-suspicious.
ISL
In cases of cramps, bowel complaints and
diarrhoa Hop Plaster on the stomach will
greatly assist in affording relief. Apply
promptly.
| DIR. Dosem, an Austin physician, was called
on to attend old Uncle Nose, who drives
draw. you have been gorging yourself with
| Green water melous for dinner" said the physi-
clan. feeling the patients pnlse. How dc
debbll did yer find dat out--by feelin' my
pulsess?" "No, but by seeing the watermelon
rinds under the bed. Said the old man,
raising himself up in bed, you am de know
inst man in Austin. Heah, old oman, take
| dat ole harness from under de bed or dis heah
| medicinal gemman am gwine TO treat me for
eatin' mule for dessert to settle my stomach.
| l amt touched a watermillion in foah weeks"
Texas Siftings.
Demand it and take no other iron prepare
ration except Browns Iron Bitters. 1t is the
best.
When man prefaces his conversation with
NOW know this isn't any of my business
you may be pretty sure that it isn't.-Cin-
cinnatti Saturday Night
Wheat Bitters. The best blood, brain and
nerve food in existence. 1t is a scientific pre-
paration which will do all that is claimed for
| it.
| A Georgia editor tells us story about cat
fish twenty-three feet long which died from
| swallowing calf, the horns proved indigesti-
| Bile. So does the story London Citizen.
By taking Ayers Sarsaparilla many poor
sufferer who submits to the surgeons knife be-
cause of malignant sores and scrofulous swell
ings, might be saved, sound and whole This
will purge out the corruptions which pollute
the blood, and by which such complaints are
originated and fed.
| A kind employer Nose Schaumburg, the
| Austin Avenue merchant, is strict in regard to
the personal appearance of his clerks. He was
very much opposed to his clerks wearing
moustache, and when one of them applied to
him tor permission to raise moustache, "Dot
wash all right, replied Nose; "you s1oost
| raise SO much viskers as you tam please, so
| long as you don't wear 'em in the store during
| pishness hours. Texas Siftings.
| Colden's Liebig's Liquid Beef and Tonic In
Wig orator promotes digestion; admirably adapt
| ed for females in delicate health. OF drug
gists.
In getting out of trap car he happened to
stumble over the foot of a young lady who
was sitting pext the door. The damsel, COM
pressing her brow into an all-lnspiring frown,
calculated, "You clumsy fellow!' Many men
would have looked foolish and apoogized, but
this one was equal to the occasion. "My dear
young lady," he exclaimed, ''you should have
feet large enough TO be seen, and then they
wouldn't be trodden upon!"
An unpleasant catalogue constantly being
printed, in which human infirmity is specified
as headache, nervousness dyspepsia, neuralgia
paralysis and ague, can be entirely expunged
from the records, by the use of DR.. Bensons
Celery and Chamomile Pills.
AZ.
that covered red message blank all over and
ran down on the floor and made puddle as
big as mikpan was refused the right to send
a message by telegraph without paying extra
for the signature and he recovered $500 from
thee ompany This is lie.-Laramie City
Boomerang.
HEALY's Vegetable Tonic Pills restore all
functional arrangements of the uterus to
normal condition. See advt. on this page.
The soothing effects of CEPHALINE are never
followed by unpleasant reaction. 1t is invalu-
able for Nervousness.
A Sandusky correspondent tells of big
black fish being caught on the COW catcher of
an express train; weighed about twenty
pounds and was alive when found" and he
says how it came there sis an insolvable mys-
terry The man who invented the story
should have no difficulty in solving the al
legged mysters. 1t is plain enough that the
fish, not needing the warning, LOOK out for
the locomotive attempted to drive across the
railroad track in front of an approaching
train Norr. Herald.
Beware of worthless limitations Of German
Corn Remover. All druggists keep the genu-
inc. 25c.