The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-09-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

This is a big country, but the trouble
with the house-fiy is that he doesn't
take to the back counties.
The Hungarian vineyards have been
badly nipped, and American tourists
will do well to take a iugof cider along.
A party who had just paid big
doctors bill says he would like to see
high heals go out of fashion.
A '.bitter'' disappointment: every
sorry, SIR" said the bartender, s'but
we're out of tansy."
1t takes 1000, 900 barrels of kerosene
to light the world with. The other
barrel is to hurry up the fire with.
A Philadelphia advised his son to
aim high in life, and the lad went out
and shot cow. Beef was about the
highest thing he could find to aim at.
''San Francisco is clamoring for brass
bands in churches Extreme measures
must be taken to keep San Francisco
people awake, evidently.
@'Why do good children 90 to heaven
when they dieP' asked the teacher.
Because it's unsafe to trust children in
place where there's a fire"
A Detroit boy conquered the measles
in twenty hours, and the mumps only
brought him off the fence for half
day.
Old Simon Cameron says he was born
when the art of printing was in its in
fancy; as that art is about 400 years
old, it would be interesting to know the
extent of his antiquity.
The elevation of Mr. Bass, the Eng
lish brewer, to n baronetcy, recalls
Theodore Hoods witticism-that people
may brew and be somebody. but if
they baked it was all up with them.
The author of the song, '.See That
My Grave Is Kept Green" is in jail
in indianapolis. He is now engaged
on a companion piece, entitled: .'See
That My Cell Is Kept Whitewashed."
eat what age were YOU married."
asked she inquisitively- But the other
woman was equal to the emergency,
and quieny responded, ''At the parson-
age"
Eyes, I've got a horrid cold" said
Mrs. Jenkinson. ''rve dosed and dosed,
and believe I've taken no less than
thirty-nine articles. and 1 begin to feel
like an Episcopalian."
A little boy, whose parents are always
moving from one house to another, was
asked by the Sunday school teacher.
"Why did the Israelites move out of
Egypt" Because they couldn't pay
their rent" was the reply.
In spite of the growing demand for
them by the plumbers and negro min
strels, the price of diamonds is not likely
to advance greatly, for there were 1922
SOC, 900 worth of them found at Cape
Colony last year.
It is believed that if Alexander Selkirk
could have spent one hour in a railway
waiting-room he would have gone back
to his desert island by the first train, to
find it by contrast a place of excitement
and a wilderness of delight.
Two newsbovs in Canada. conversing
on the difference between English and !
American time said: IF you had a
brother in England and he died at II
YOU would get the news in Montreal four
hours before he died.
Bronson Alcott, SO years OF age, has
just published book of poems. all of
which were written within the last six
months. Eighty-three, we should say
to our young friends, is the proper age
to begin writing poetry.
She-ssWhy is it that when we were
lovers you always got me a box at the
theater and covered the front with
boquets, but now you buy seats in the
dress circle?'' Heat that time your
father paid for your bonnets.''
Il have been grossly insulted," ex-
claimed Brown. That scoundrel Smith
called me liarr' How unfortunate:''
remarked Fogg. "You couldn't deny
the accusation without endorsing il, could
you9'' 4
A boot-black. smoking 4 "butt'' which
he had just picked MP. is aecosted By a
comrade with: SAY. what brand of
cigar is that?'' Robinson Crusoe"
why dyer call it that?' Because it's
a castaway."
Old lady: ooh carpenter yes-while
you were at dinner I-ah!-tied some
rags around the head of your hammer,
as found the noise of it this morning
disturbed me very much. You viii |
find it much pleascnter now.'
Cincinnati lovers are so ardent that |
they will make love to the first person |
who comes along; but an old man who |
found that he had been embracing girl |
in Eden Park that had just broken out |
with the smallpox. concluded that he |
had been little hasty.
Doctor" says the patient, meeting |
him on the street, II want you to tell |
me what is the matter with me. When |
l wake DIP in the morning l feel dull
stupid as an IDIOT '.Humph! And |
how did you feel when you went to bed
the night before, ehe''
The Way We Live Now-s.Well, old |
chappie, what did the doctor saw" |