The Evening critic. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1881-1885, 1882-08-11
THEWM. GOAT
oFWiLLiAM WILCOX CAUSES AFUss

Between its Proprietor ana MIR.
"Moggyo GaHney-The Latter Puts
Head ON the Former, Because
the Formers Butting Beast re
Iieycs Miss Ganney of Her hustle
The Rage of Woman Scorned ~
no Circumstance TO That of
woman who Has Her Bustie
Chewed up by n billy Cont and Her
Legs ScaIded by Hot water.
oBnly wilcox, your Honor" said the officer;
chin as stand over there wild the black eye,
charges "Moggy" Carney, that bulletheaded
chap In tho dock, wild assault. ketchod
EN- a nghtin' and give 'em the collar, and
found out Mt the station that Carney was tho
aggressor."
"weli, 'sposo oil wuz 2" growled Gafrney,
from over tho dock rail. "rhar wuz oxtlnua.
tin circumstances connected wild de case as
yez knows nuthin' OF at all. Do Heavons-"
"Bo quiet, Garney," Numbered tho Court.
"wicox, come up here and tell your story"
The plaintiff, n sickly, tlmld looking little
man, climbed up TO the witness stand with
como labor, and evidently pain, and asked for
a chair.
"Look't IN pipo his nlbbs," growlcd Gan
ney; "what dye call It, anyhow? Be Heav-
ms, he'd look woll n stanin' up forlnst Tug
Wilson or meser fur four three mint rounds,
wild or widout do gloves"
"will you be quiet, Carney" roared tho
"Iwull,". was the grun reply, and aarnoy
subsidized while
wilcox Related His Story.
He said that he was sitting In front of his
house when Ganney approached and shouted:
"Come out here, Wilcox, and let mo knock YOU
down, kick you In the ribs and stamp on you"
Then, continuing his story, Wilcox added;
coming TO you for such purpose as thatp
'Because,' says Gafrney, I've got to lick YOU
.whyT says I. Its orders says he; orders
trouble with that dam'd billy-goat of yours
again and again, and said should lick you.
Now you know she means business when sho
talks that way, so come on now, Billy, and let
me lick you and settle this thing quietly.
The OLD woman Will Lick Nc
If I don't lick you, so come OUT All tho time
he was talking, Judge, no was edging up closer
TO me-. thought that no was drunk, and was
about to advise him to go home and sober up,
when he sprang forward and seized me,
thumped me in the eye, and battered mo UP
in my present shape"
"Thats true, Your Honor, every word" said
the officer In charge Of the case 81 arrived on
the scene Just In time to prevent murder"
''0b, blathers," snarled Gafrney; 'Judge
will yez guy me chance to defind meselY'
eyes, you can tell your story"
"Wull thin, in de fust place, Jedgc, are yez n
married mon?"
"Good agln," CARNEY exclaimed, adding,
''then yez Kin understand
Their Extinuatin Circumstances
IN my case. OF whit homo from ther gas
wurruks airly last evenin'. My wife, Eloise
o'Donncil Carney, soz to me, Are yez tolredf'
No. seq OF. 'Wull,' seq she, an there wuz an
airnest look upon her face, 'yes must go Mkt
his'n's bin playin' the divll aginl 'Phats
thaty OIL shouted; shat dam'd buck Billy goat
at his thricks nsinP Wis soz she. 'whin
Not this evenin', some other evenin, sez Oh.
Carney she Numbered, wild q
Three Cint-a.D brink whisky Look
in her oil, 'did ycz hear me ordhersT 'Yls, mo
Sarlint sez thry IN t 70 paeiiy her PIT u
warrum fur SIGH little davarsion? Not
much seq she; 'yez hey heard me, now git.
she the as%nd esd en-
loike, when yez left thus mornln' for the gas
wurruks at foive erclock, OF heerd noise In
Their back yard. 'lobert Emmett Gafrney,' OF
shouted TO me son who was sittin' on the back
garrett sthairs, 'phats that commotionr Before
thor laddio buck could answer, OF sthuck me
soight OF saw kim nigh onter paralyzin' me.
A sittin on ther back nnce, wild her legs q
hangin' toward me, wuz Mary Nagdeline Gan:
Jim Sweeney. She wuz thryin' ter
| Snake Inter De House UnbeknOwsi
about, wild yer legs exposed to the naybors
and ye2 circus cavortins on that ilncer Oh
ma, enc cries, dld Shc, vi can't neip III; VIII
cox's goat Is n chewin' at mo hustle, and Oh
can't git over Tho divil,' SEE OF, and be
| Hivins with ladle ov hot wather In me hand
| OF stharted to scald the brute, but before OIL
reached Their flnce, ker whoosh, cum Mary
Magdellno inter mo arums, and the hot wather
| scalded her legs chock up to her knees.
| Their Goat He'd Butted Her Clane
over.
| Now, Gafrncy,' seq the ould woman con
| Guiding, will yez carry out me ordhers OF
| she'll OF hev to sind fur Tommy Parnell Casey
| to defnd the pace and good namo or this
| familyT Wull, Yer Homer, OIL larfed sum
| up me sleeve at ther ould womans sthory, and
| OF wuz summat sorry that hedn't bin around
| whin me daughter was a-hangin' over Their
| flnce, but at tho same tonne 1t wuz sarlous
| matter, and OF consated twas best fur me tel
| purceed ter put ther ould womans ordhers in
Ter execution. OF don't ginerally banker aftei
SIGH recreation, but OF knowed as IL OF didn't
lick Wilcox, Their ould woman'd lick me, so o
whit and called Wilcox o ut, and OIL licked
| him."
$50 It appears" said the Court, gravely add
"Thank yer Honner," said Ganney. o.
| tort 'twould be more. But soy, ain't thcre nc
way by which OF kin git damages from WILCOX
| fur me daughther's busthle as wuz OF, and ful
Their blisthers on her legs?''
"Perhaps you can by civil process" replied
| the Court.
"Good," chirruped Gafrney as he paid hi.
| fine; Wthin OIL be after him immediately