Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1882-08-31
Mamorous Department.
A JOKE on THE OLD MAN.

lust fixed the attention of all the passengers
in the car upon demure looking young man
who sat next to him, by addressing him soto
coce "Now, I'm detective and you stole
that money"
AS matter of fact, the young man had
not stolen anything, nor was the older man
accusing him ; he was simply about to explain
to the unsophisticated youth, how detectives
operate in running down criminal He was
playing detective and had cast the young man
us the thief, just for instance, you know, and
warming to his subject, feeling that he had
his illustration splendidly in hand, the old man
settled right down to business.
'sYou stole that money, he repeated, "and
will show you how easily you tripped your
self up"
Everybody in the car was intensely interest
ed. ..z ..s..
s'Last evening"" continued the old man,
"a person answering your description was OBJ
served by several parties to pass and repasS
the scene of the robbery
Here the lady who sat next the young man
left her seat and stood up in the far end Of
the car. T-.'a.
assFootprints made by boots exactly OF your
size were discovered in the yard and on the
roof of the velanda, whereby your entrance
was effected, and piece of the very goods
from which your clothes are made had been
torn out and was found adhering to sharp
point of the iron work."
About this time the young man became con-
scious that he had for some reason been sing
ted d6att by tue passengers as an object OF great
interest, and It sllddeAlY occurred to him that
they might think the old man remarks per-
sonal to himself He endeavored to get IN a
word or two, but the old man would brook no
interruption.
'sBut that's not all, he went on "a SER
want girl discovered your presence, the alarm
was given, a shot fired at your retreating
figure which penetrated your hat"
Here the passengers noticed a pair OF clean
cut holes in the yonng mans hat The EVIL
dence was complete. Nurmurs of "What a
pity y, $50 young, too :" 1.-THE little scoun-
drel - greeted the young mans ears.
Crimson and speechless i'll his modification
gers but the old man.
::Going to let him 90 away 2" asked the con-
ductor.
eyes" responded the old man. keeping up
the Joke 81 pity the poor boy"
'sWell, you'll have to pay his fare, then. l
didn't get it," And that's where the joke
turned on the old man.
BROTHER GARDNER ON SLANG.-"1f Brud-
der Pizarro Grant am in de hall tonight he
will please step ford" began the old man, us
Samuel Shin struck the triangle and sent its
guivering notes dancing along the ceiling.
Brother Pizarro was present and he stepped
I'D. his eyes having squint OF alarm and his
knees losing their sand with every motion.
.'Brudder Grant, continued the President,
''yOu am young man on de dOah-step OF LIE;
YOU war VERY tight pants an a very short
coat an VERY narrow hat, and you look
decidedly ,cretch-er-chee. De great world am
befo' you. If you begin right, no man dares
bet two to one dat you won't sit in Govern
ers chair befo' you AIN fifty. If you begin
wrong it will be safe to bet 1900 to muffin dat
you will bring up in State prison befo' you am
ten Vars older.''
eyes, sab, Lee tryn, to start right" SAID
Pizarro, as Brother Gardner stopped to swal-
low pint of water.
II hope sol hope so, but doubt it, Brud-
der Grant. lie had my eyes on you fur some
leetle time back. doan' fink you would lie
or steal or burglar or forge, but you has fallen
into one VERY bad habit. De odder day you
met friend in front of my cabin, an when
he axed you if you war gwine on de excur-
gle.' On anoder Occaislun heard you remark
you would mix to murmur.' Again you OBJ
served dat you would sigh to snifle.' Only All
hour ago you told Waydown Bebee to cheese
it, an life" What doesa these things mean,
Brudder Grant?'
81 doan' know replied the victim, as he
stood OH one leg and scratched his head.
s'Nor I, either. lie looked up de Latin an
French an German an Greek languages, but
/ can't find any such expreshuns as hire a
hall, see you in de grave yard, OF L should
smile Why do you make use of 'em?"
~ doan know"
ssDen stop it If plain English am not good
'nuff fur you to 'spress your thoughts in, Farn
Spanish or Chinese. 1t am ali right fur
sweet Young gal who has been freW college to
remark that she would litter to grin, but SIGH
'spreshuns doan' sound we'll comm from
Young man. If should 60 home tonight an
tell my old woman dat would presplre to
evacuate, or lthograph to animosty, she'd
look me straight in de eye fur thirty seconds,
an den would come climax in which my hat,
head an bromstick would all be mixed up
Return to your seat, Brudder Grant; 60
hack an sot down with a determination to
avoid slang an do your talkin' squar' from de
shoulder. Whenyou git tired of beef, go into
a grocery an AK fur Goldfish in plain English,
an doan' use any mo- oratory dan am neces-
sary to secure full weight an git rid OF quar-
ter VIA hole in it. We will now proceed TO
split the regular order of bizness down de hack
and let out de sleeves
STILL IN DOUBT-When grocer at Port
Huron, Michigan, was said last winter to have
experienced religion, the statement was car
ried to prominent Deacon who inquired:
"Did he confess to mixing two kinds of oats
together and selling them for No. | -
Il think not
''Say anything about having worked over
old butter every fall for 20 years."
''No."
Did he confess that he had been caught
using short weights: -
'sNo"
Wasn't he even sorry for watering his vim
egar?''
HE didn't say So
''Well, it may be that the Lord has seen fit
to poke him up little around the edges, but
before YOU receive him into the church you'd
better give him a fair chance to pass quarter
with hole in it. If he reSsts the tempta-
tion I shall pray the Lord to continue the
wrestle until Satan gets three straight falls. "
A TRIAL OF WITs.-Lawyers and doctors,
when they encounter each other in a court of
justice usually engage in verbal game of ''tit,
tat, too" A New York lawyer, who was
cross-examining DR.. Warren, declared that
doctor ought to be able to give all opinion of
disease without making mistakes.
doctors make fewer mistakes than the
lawyers responded the physician.
''That's not so," said the counsellor; ''but
doctors mistakes are buried six feet under
ground a lawyers are not"
''No; they are sometimes hung as many
feet above ground" The advantage was with
the doctor.
When disputing as to the comparative mer-
it's of their profession, Sir Henry Holland said
to Bobus Smith, ex-advocate general:
stYou mnst admit that yOur profession does