Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-10-23

A city youth explains that kisses are
better enjoyed after dark, because they
are better than they look.
The New Orleans Picayune is mean
enough to say that old maids take to cats
because they have whiskers.
When mans hair grows long enough
to cluster about his shoulders he either
becomes Texas scout or an Indian herb
doctor.
Friend-''Hello, Jim, you amt out of
work again, are your" Unfaithful en-
ploye-''Well, yes, fact is, I'm not able
to work been injured by a premature
discharge" ="
"Well, madam, how's your husband to-
day." ''Why, doctor, he is no better"
''Did you get the leeches?" ''Yes; but
he only took three of em raw had to
fry the rest
''Do you buy your music by the roll?"
inquired a young lady of the deacon's
daughter. ''Oh, no." she replied. ''I
always wait until Sunday and then get
it by the choir
Business must be booming at ire
mendous rate in Apalachicola, Florida,
for Southern paper very solemnly
states, that three-story building is
erected there while an ordinary man is
pronouncing the name of the town.
''It rains, ma" said Estelle; ~ don't
think will attend church to-day" "It
rains" said Estelles ma, few nights
subsequently; ''you had better not at
tend the theatre tonight" ''Oh, ma,'
said Estelle, IT can wear my rubbers and
waterproof"
'Pd like you to help me little" said a
vagrant poking his head into country
store. ''Why don't you help yourself?''
asked the proprietor. ''Thank you, 1
will" said the tramp, picking up bottle
of pickles and two loaves of bread, and
then vanishing.
''Waiter!" he called, after vainly strug-
Cling with knife and fork full ten minutes
on an alleged spring chicken. ''Waiter,
bring me chilled-steel wedge and a
heavy hammer, for am interested now
and am determined to see of what mate
rial this thing is made.''
Rather a funny bull was that made re-
Gently by a member Of parliament in dis
cussing the question of trial by jury in
England. Becoming somewhat excited
he exclaimed: "With trial by jury have
lived, and, by the blessing of God, with
trial by jury l will die
''Well, how are you making it now?'
we asked of former merchant, who haC
abandoned lucrative business to engage
in stock speculations. ssI think" sale
he, eff can retain my health for another
year, 1 will be able to retire on very
handsome incompentency'
Gus De Brown, who has prolonged his
call considerably after 1916 p. m.-''Sc
you don't admire men of conservative
views, like myself, Miss Angelo" Miss
Angel, with vivacity -s'No, indeed,
PICIC1 PCopiC Will SOulC 20 Ill GIeIl.
De Brown reaches for his hat.
''No, papa. / do not wish to marry
yet. What I want is man who doe:
not drink, smoke, chew, snuff, go ou
nights, gamble, overeat, etc. in short,
man with no vices, and one who is al
ways good" 'sMy daughter," said Mr.
Dusenberry, ''you are but stranger here
Heaven is your home"
A full-bearded grandfather recently hat
his beard shaved off, showing a clear
face for the first time Tor a number O
years. At the dinner table his three
year-old granddaughter noticed it, gaze
long with wondering eyes, and finall
CALCULATED, Grandfather, whose hea
have you got on?"
A young city gent, dressed in a fault
less suit and pair shoes which tapere
: to point in the most modern style, wa
visiting in a rural district A brigt
. four-year-old boy looked him over till hi
eyes rested ON those shoes. He locke
at his own chubby feet and then at hi
visitors and then, looking up, sale
: ''Mister, is your toes all cut off but one: