davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Convicted by a Monkey.

The case 'a monkey on the witness.
stand" reported from India, does not
seem to be an isolated one. Domestic
animals have many times played the
part of the dog of Montargis in reveal
ing crime, and wicked men need to
hide their deeds from eyes that are not
human eyes, in addition to their ordi-
nary secrecy.
In England not long ago, some foot
pads attacked travelling musician,
injured him severely and robbed him
of all his money.
The musician had several monkeys,
all of which were killed except one.
That one escaped by climbing a tree.
AS soon as the robbers had disap-
peared, the monkey came down the
tree and ron to the nearest house. Its
antics and cries induced man to fol-
low him to tae spot where the
musician was.
Afterward some men were arrested
on suspicion of the robbery. The
monkey was brought before them. AS
soon as the little animal saw the men,
he began to scream and leap toward
them, which convinced the officers
that the prisoners were guilty Of the
crime.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Eflfrf Misrellany.
The Paper We Use.

Paper car wheels are composed en-.
tirely of paper rings pressed together
under ii weight of six tons, and then
fastened by means of bolts, and steel
tires put on them, when they are
ready for use. Laid loosely the rings
stack as high as the shoulders of an
ordinary man. Under treatment they
sink to the thickness required. If the
tire should wear or fall off the wheel,
or the train run from the track, there
would be no danger of their breaking,
as they are very flexible and would
spring.
A paper ball can be rendered so
solid that nothing but diamond tool
can cause an indentation into it. AT
the mill is a square block of compress
ed paper fastened on turning lathe
and so that if fine steel chisel is held
against it when moving, instead of
cutting the paper IL will break the
|chisel into hundred pieces. T1e
strength IS astonishing. You can
take Is note of the Bank Of England,
twist it into kind of rope, suspend
339 pounds upon one end of it and not
injure it in the slightest degree.
Bath-tubs and pots are formed by
COMPRISING the paper made of linen
tibers and annealed- that is, painted
with Il composition which becomes d
part thereof and is tireproof. The
tubs last indefinitely, never leak, and
put in the fire will not burn up. They
can beat on them with hammer and
not injure them.
Plates compressed and annealed are
very durable You cannot only wash
them, but drop them upon the floor
aud stand upon them. The fork can
be used for any practical purpose, and
the knife can always be kept sharp.
Paper can be substituted for wood,
converted into picture frames and
colored like walnut, cherry and the
like. Bedsteads are fashioned the same
IS ear wheels, only Of long strips in
stead of rings. They are very beauti
ful and lasting. Cooking or heating
stoves are also aunealed, and it is i'm
possible to burn them out. They are
less costly than iron. A house can
literally be constructed of and furnish.
I'd with. every conyience in paper.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Boyish Wit.

The late DR.. VIM. Arnot, of Scot.
land, was noted for broad and accur.
ate knowledge of the Bible, and for
ready wit, equal to every emergency
He was the Youngest child in large
Scotch family, and, having a weak
body with an alert tongue, was often
imposed on by his older brothers and
sisters. In contests with the tongue
he was pretty sure of victory, but
stood no chance of success in rougher
squabbles. After brief absence from
home the father called the children to
give an account of their behavior
They all turned ON William and told
hard stories about him, each one put
ting on an extra touch and making
him out a great mischief maker. Many
of their tales were manufactured out
of whole cloth, and William listened,
finally his father turned to him and
said:
well, William, what have You to
say to all this?'
He could hardly keep his face when
the little fellow replied:
BLESSED are ye when all men shall
revile and prosecute YOU
The .aptness Of the reply atoned in
part for an irreverent use of Scripture,
and the father came into full sympa-
thy with the prosecuted boy.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
A Western Woman's Complaint.

A correspondent furnishes the ap-
pended paragraphs. From this 1t is
to be inferred that there are some
women in Idaho who are not very beau
tiful.
When he had finished with the cli-
mate, soil and productions of Idaho,
one of the group asked
Chow about the education facili-
ties %
"That's the only thing we lack"
replied the old man, with a mournful
sigh. We've got schools enough, but
We can't keep no teachers"
"What's the trouble" !"
"Well take my school, for instance
only two miles from the nearest
house, eminently situated on top of a
hill and paying the highest salary
We can't keep teacher over two
weeks"
"Do they die ?"
"Some do, though it's no place for
dying. We had young fellow from
Ohio, and he met a grizzly and whis-
tied for him. The grizzly cum. We
had another, and a widder run him
down and married him inside of
month. The third one was lame and
the lr,tlns overlook him. Then we
trie.' women folks. The first one got
mied the night she lit down there;
| s,ook the second about the middle
of the third week, and next one was
abducted by 9 STAGE rohhes - :,
why donr you get Che ugllest,
homehest woman you can fnd-some
perfect old terror, like that lantern
jawed, razor faced female over by the
ticket window ?"
"Why don't we! Stranger, you
Eastern folks will never understand
us pioneers in the word-never.-
That's my wife-the identical school
teacher l married, and she was the
handsomest one in the drove!"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Eph's Will.

A Scotchman, being nigh unto
death, called in a lawyer to draft his
last testament. Knowing that the
mans estate would scarcely pay the
expenses of his funeral, the attorney
was surprised to hear him say 81 give
4 hundred pounds" to this friend and
to that. "You have no such money
TO give" he remarked. 81 ken that,
mon. as weel as you, but it'll show my
good will to them" An old negro, of
whom the following story is tell,
seems to have had similar confusion
of ideas
Old Eph took a notion the other
day that he must make his will, and
called to consult lawyer for that
purpose. The attorney gathered a
pencil and piece of paper and pre-
pared to make schedule.
"Well, Eph, what property have you
got?'
"Well. sab, dare's dat onery bobtale
dawg dat neber sleeps, or if he does
he's alters talkin' in it. l leabe him
to dat neffy of mine. nebber did
like dat niggah."
"All right" said the attorney there
goes the dog
"Den dar's dat hazel splitter SOW
Leahe her to whoebber kin cotch
her."
"The SOW is disposed of" said the
lawyer.
"De 'baccy box an pipe kin 60 to de
boy as soon as he gifts old enaff."
at is so recorded" answered the
attorney.
"De house aud de lot goes to de
gal"
"But there's an encumbrance on the
house, Eph."
"What's dat you say :"
"There is an encumbrance on the
house."
"Oh, dar am, am dar !: Den | am
wuff more dan | thought | was. Leabe
de 'cumJrance to de ole woman to live
on"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

w here Gull Belong.

An Austin teacher was instructing
his class in natural history.
"To what class of birds does the
hawk belong?" he asked.
''To the birds of prey" was the re-
ply.
And to what class do quail belong"
There was pause. The teacher re-
peated the question.
"Where does the quail belong?"
"On toast" yelled out the hungry
bov at the foot of the class Teas
Sittings.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Sflfrt 4loftry.
DAISY. .

Darling liule Daisy,
Scarcely three years old
Ewes ike dancing Sunhehms.
Hair of ruidy gold,
GIittering in Ihe sunshine,
Sombre in the shade,
Full OF lights and shadows,
Like the lt,le maid.
- K n fringe low hanging
Almost 10 her eyes;
We don care II Daisy
DoeSn' look 50 wise.
Wisdom comes with sorrow,
Watered oft with tears;
Let the wisdom linger
Darling, many years.
The sweet ringing laughter
Free from care aud pain,
Far out-v.tlues knowledge
That wise books contain.
Laugh on, little maiden,
Chatter with the UroodS;
FroIic with the sunheams,
Never mind the books.
Now ana then "A tear dFopf
Quickly died away;
DAISY is too happy
For the tears TO stay.
Playing in the garden
Through the sammy hours,
All her pretty secrets
Whispering to the flowers.
All about the robin,
With the scarlet breast,
Why he sings 80 sweetly,
" here he hides his nest;
How the petty glowworm
Shows his Tiny light,
So the little brides
" on Oe fraud Al night.
Telling OF the meadow
" here the daisies grow
"Uuce VAS a daisy
jas, like them you know
But Couliu play much,
Csuse had no feet,
Till enc day mamma picked me,
'CAusr | WAS 80 sweet
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
The Five Obedient Husbands.

There were FIVE of them together,
and it was late. They had been
drinking. Finally, one of them look
ID at the clock and said: Nv ha'
will our wives say when We get hon,e*
LET them say what they like to
Mine will tell me TO go the mischief.
responded No. ,.
I'll YOU what We will do. Let us
meet here again in the morning and
tell our experiences. Let the one who
has refused to do what his wife told
him to do when he got home, pay for
this evenings entertainment"
That's a good idea. We will agree
to that SO the party broke up and
went to their respective homes.
Next morning they met ut the ap-
pointed place and began tell their ex-
periences.
Said No. l.
Nv hen opened the door my wife
was awake. She said: "A pretty
time of night for you to be coming
home. You had better 60 out and
sleep in the pig pen, for that's what
you will come to sooner later, anyhow.
Rather than pay for all We drank lasi
night, | did what she told me to-
That let's ME out"
Next,
No. , cleared his throat, and said ::
when got home, stumbled on II
chair, and my wife called: "There
YOU are again, you drunken brute.-
You had better wake up the children,
and stagger about for awhile, so that
they can see what drunken brute OF
father they are afflicted with" |
thought the best thing | could do
under the circumstances was to obey f..
so | woke up the children, and stag
gered around until wife hinted to ME
to stop. She used chair in convey
ing the hint. That lets me out
Next,
No. 3 spoke up, and said:
81 happened to stumble over the
pan of dough, and my wife said =
Drunk again. Hadn't you better sit
down in that pan of dough-" SO |
sat down in it ard that lets me out"
Next.
No. said.
Il was humming tune, and my
wife called out: "There you are
again. Hadn't you better give us a
concert :" | said, certainly" and
began to sing as loud as | could, but
she told me to stop, or she would
throw something at me, so | stopped.
That lets me out.
Next!
No. 5 looked very disconsolate. He
said: 81 reckon I'll have to pay
My wife told me to do something none
of you would have done, if you had
been in my place"
"What was it.
"She said: $50 you thought you
would come home at last ! Now hadn't
you better 60 out to the we'll and
drink a couple of buckets of water
just to astonish your stomach? That
was more than had bargain d for, sc
its my funeral. Teas SJtlngs.
When the teacher asked what W;
the feminine of tailor, small boy on
q front seat in a public school in
Brockton, Mass, promptly exclaimed
"Dressmaker," and was greatly de.
lighted that he was able to get in the
,,,uya, Ecot
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
The Mechanism of Man.

Wonders at home by familiarity
cease to excite astonishment; but
hence it happens that may know but
little about the 'bouse we live in
the human body: We look upon a
house from the outside, just as Il whole
or unit, never thinking Of the many
rooms, the curious passages, and the
ingenious arrangements Of the house,
or of the wonderful structure of the
man. the harmony and adaptation of
all his parts.
In the human skeleton, about the
time of maturity, are 165 bones. The
muscles are about 500 in number. The
length of the alimentary canal is about
thirty-two feet. The amount of blood
in an adult averages thirty pounds, or
full one fifth of the entire weight.
The heart is six inches in length
and four inches in diameter, and beats
seventy times per minute; 4,2O0 times
per hour; 100, 800 per day; 36,772 200
times per year; 1865, 100000 in three
score and ten; and at each beat. two
and half ounces of blood are thrown
out of it; one hundred and seventy five
ounces per minute; six hundred and
ffty-six pounds per hogr;aseye and
Ithree, ,fouEthqeton ddy Al1 the
blood IA The body passes through the
heart in three minutes.
The lungs will contain about one
gallon of air. at their usual degree OF
initiation. We breathe, On an average,
1900 times per hour; inhale 600 gal
Ions per day. The aggregate surface
of the air cells the lungs exceeds
10000 square inches, an area very
early equal to the floor of a room
twelve feet square.
The average weight Of the brain Of
an adult male is three pounds and
eight ounces; of female, two pounds
and four ounces. The nerves are all
connected with it, directly or by the
spinal marrow. These nerves, together
with their branches and minute rami
fications, probably exceed 100000
in number, forming a body guard out
numbering by far the greatest army
ever marshalled.
The skin is composed of three lay
ers, and varies from one-fourth to
one-eighth of an inch in thickness
Its average area in an adult is estima-
ted to be 1900 square inches. The
atmospheric pressure being about
fourteen pounds to the square inch.
\ person of medium size is subjected
to pressure OF 10000 pounds.
Each square inch of skin contains
$500 sweating tubes, or perspiratory
pores, each of which may be likened
TO little drain one fourth of an inch
making an aggregate length of the
entire surface of the body of 201, ,166
feet or n tile 6JeA Ees-4lrsiAia4--ei.eA
body almost forty miles long.
Man is made marvelously. Who is
eager to investigate the wonderful
works of Omnipotent Wisdom, let him
not wander the wide world round to
seek them, but examine himself. The
proper study of mankind is man.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

were together. They Were one and
inseparable-so they seemed.
"rhe next day | learned they were
engaged.
"a week later, and they were mar
ried."
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

"The Egyptians have just killed a
false prophet" If he predicted that
the first two weeks of May would be
sunshiny and warm it is a wonder the
Egyptians didn't resort to more ex-
treme measures.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

Browns Iron BITTERS is
composed of Iron in soluble
form; Cinchona the great
tonic, together with other
standard remedies. making
a remarkable non-alcoholic
tonic, which will cure Dys-
pepsia, Indigestion, Malaria.
Weakness, and relieve all
EPg and Kidney diseases.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
OUR SPRING
.E.1sD
SUMMER STOCk

Consists of Standard and Reliable
Garments.
Patrons who wear our make OF
Clothing will confirm this assre-
tiOn:~
Our ChiIdren's and Boys Depart
ment is unusually attractive this
season.
Men and Youths seeking the latest.
will find at our house most
beautiful collection.
nMS-We refund money to dissatis-
fed buyers, a rule which gov.
crnpd our establishment since
its existence.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

Obstinancy and intolerance are the
surest proofs of ignorance. A mans
horizon is measured by his knowledgeI
and by his capacity of knowing.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Mansfield, Ohio. Nov. 26, 1851.

Mansfield, Ohio. Nov. a6, 1851.
Gentlemen i have suffered with
pam in my side and back, and great
soreness on my breast, with shoot
ing pains all through my body. at
tended with great weakness, deprcs-
sion Of spirits, and loss of appe-
tite. have taken several different
medicines. and was treated by prom
incnt physicians for my liver, kid
neys, and spleen. but got no relief.
thought l would Try Browns Iron
Eit;cTS have now taken one bottle
and half and am about well-paIn
in side and back all gone-sorcneSs
all out Of my breast, and ! have a
good appetite, and am gaining IN
strength and flesh ltcan Justly be
called the &iES q ''ie.!.e!.e5
JoHS X. ALLENpER.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
SEEK

health and avoid sickness,
Instead of feeling tired and
worn out, instead of aches
and pains. wouldn't you
rather feel fresh and strong?
You can continue feeling
miserable and good for no.
thing, and no one but your
self can find fault, but if YOU
are tired of that kind oflife,
you can change it if YOU
choose.
How ? By getting one
bottle of BRowN' Iron BIT
TIERS. and taking it regularly
according to directions.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
WIDE, AW AXE.
N E W SPRING STYLES
BOOTS AND SHOES.

The largest, Best Se'ected, and Cheapest
Stock of Boots and Shoes, ever offered IN this
market.
Every man ought TO consider where he can
get the most value for his money. 4 penny
saved, is penny earned All we ask our
friends and patrons is to favor US with II call,
and convince themselves of the fact that We
can meet the demand of all.
We are resolved TO sell our goods al so small
profit that the people Must Buy.
Thereby enabling us to keep olr Stock al
ways Seasonahe.
\ failure to examine our Stock is nn oppor-
tunity lost.
We can make it to your interest TO trade
with US.
Our goods are bought for First Hlnds-
saving double profit and giving our Custom
ers the benefit
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

When the teacher asked what W, 8
the feminine of tailor, small boy on
o front seat in public school in
Brockton, Mass, promptly exclaimed
"Dressmaker," and was greatly de-
lighted that he was able to get in the
answer first.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02
Country McrchantS.

viii find it to their advantage TO examine our
stock from which equally good selections can
be made al prices that will compare favorauly
with those OF the Northern cities
Ladies Pc bible Goat Bt II Boots 81 25 to So, 90
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1882-06-02

"When | fossooA the college walls
of W, some years ago, | was pos
scssed of--oE-"
National Republican., 1882-12-14
Hyatt smith ON IIolmnn.

A good story, whether true or false, is told
of J. Hyatt Smith, the representative of the
third New York district Mr.. Smith is a
clergyman, who was thirty years ago pastor
of the First Baptist church of this city, and
believes in the virtue of prayer. Smith was
anxious to secure an appropriation for public
building in Brooklyn, the place of his resi-
dence, but feared the objection of Holman, OF
Indiana. AT this time it was the rule, as
well as custom, for the speaker to recognize a
member through courtesy, and single OBJ
lection prevented the consideration OF
any proposed measure. Hyatt became al
most discouraged over his matter, but
one day friend said to him:
"Why don't you arrange with the speaker
and bring up your bill?"
"Why don't II" was the reply. do you
see that man? Why, when the final Judgment
is pronounced upon the democrats, Depart
ye sinners, into outer darkness Holman will
calmly rise up and say, Il object" No, my
friend, 1 am a believer in prayer. l will
wait"
A few days later Hyatt was recognized, and
his bill passed the house without objection.
To the congratulations of his friend he
responded, Did 1 not tell you so? 1 did not
wish Brother Holman any harm. He is a
good, conscientious man; but did pray to
have him just sick enough to be unable to
attend for one day, and my prayer was an
swered. L have taken advantage of his alb
sence."
National Republican., 1882-12-14
A Sweet Subject.

Secretary Folger has addressed a letter to
the collector of customs at New York on an
appealed case, in which the conditions of the
Hawaiian reciprocity treaty concerning the
free importations of certain kinds of sugar,
is involved The secretary holds that the
sugars were of the kinds defined in the treaty
stipulation, and directed the collector to pay
the duty back to the importers. The decision
comes at a time when the contest between
the sugar trade is about to be renewed.
At the first session of the present congress
there were numerous hearings on both
sides. Mr.. Allen, from the Sandwich
Islands, with Mr.. Boutwell, as his attorney,
were heard on the side of retaining the treaty
stipulations; and eloquent sugar men from
all sections between New Orleans and Boston
were heard in protest They said that the
San Francisco sugar dealers imported this
Sandwich Island sugar free of duty, and at
the same time had such arrangements with
the railways that they managed to keep
American sugars out of their market, and
still charge two cents pound more than the
eastern trade. This is question affecting
the tariff that will be freshly opened by this
decision of the secretary, which correctly in
terprets tho terms of the treaty, and what
makes it still more pertinent to the present
time is the fact that the house committee on
foreign relations will have this very question
before it at its meeting tomorrow.
National Republican., 1882-12-14
Gen. Walker Talks Back.

Census bulletin No. 305, entitled the man
ufacturing statistics of cities" is entirely
devoted to a reply, supported by comparative
tables from Gen. Francis A. Walker to the
newspaper criticisms upon the results of this
branch of the census inquiry. He denies the
truth of the premises taken by his critics, and
by an elaborate argument endeavors to dem
onstrate the fact that in the manufacture of
jewelry, watches, costly laces and the like, a
smaller percentage Of material is consumed
in proportion to the value of the manufac-
tured product than is the case in some of the
manufactures in which Brooklyn, Jersey City
and some of the western cities excel Taking
Jersey City as an instance, Gen. Walker
shows that the cost of the raw material con-
sumed in the principal industries of
that ity-meat-packing, sugar and mo-
lasses refining and others amounts
to 92 per cent. of the value of the manufact-
ured product. Chicago and Brooklyn are also
cited as strongly supporting this position,
seven-eighths of the sum, representing the
total product of the meat-packing industry
in the former city, being made up of the
value of cattle and hogs slaughtered. An
appended table shows that New York, while
holding the first rank in respect to the num-
ber of hands employed in manufactures,
amount of wages and aggregate gross produc-
tion falls to the fourteenth place where the
average net product per hand is concerned,
after deducting the value of the materials.
On the other hand, San Francisco, which
ranks as eleventh in respect to hands en-
ployed, and tenth as to the wages and product,
takes first place in the column of average net
product.