The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-08-03
WIT AND HUMOR.

One pound notes were first issued in
1897.
1t takes gii about four hours long
er to wash the front windows of
house than the back windows.
Has it ever occurred to baseball men
that a milk pitcher is generally good
fly catcher.
1t is said that nearly all the male
members of the Imperial family of Ger
many are well trained artisans
81 called twice and found you out"
said Mrs. Jones. Very good" said
Mrs. Smith, 81 had to call but once to
find you out"
When friend asked reformed inc
briate the cause of reformation he said:
''''As you are married you will quite un-
derstand it when say getting tipsy
made me see my mother-in-law double" +"
Full many an ache of soreness deep
and keen. the walking of nights ca
rousal bear; full many a man, who with
1.-THE boys hath been, feels in the morn
his wifos hand in his hair.
In an exchange Summer hotel adj
vertises suitable grounds for archery"
and directly beneath it is the advertise
ment of dealer in glass eyes. Moth
ing like having information handy.
The late freak among fashionable
New York girls is to patronize fortune
teilers. They've got rather tired of the
kind of Hes the young men tell them.
and desire change.
like has an irritating skin disease"
Mrs. Partington says. "Charlotte r,issee
broke out all over him, and if he hadn't
wore Injun beads as an omelet 1t would
doubtless have eliminated fatally"
An Englishman Is said to be effecting
cures in Australia by breathing on peo-
pie. This may be true, for we have on
countered people whose breath was GER
tainly strong enough to kill man, If 1t
struck him twice in the same place. u
Dannie was very much interested in a
picture of some white whales. One day,
seeing his father coming from market
with large fish, he ran into the house,
exclaiming, Mamma, mamma, papa's
been and found a baby whalem
The American Tract Society has dis
pensed 86.314, 46S pages of literature the
past year, and there wasn't scalping
Indian story of the West in the entire
lot. This accounts for the UNPOPULAR
ty of the society's publications.
s1 never thought but once" said
Deacon Webbing "that it was sin to
steal an umbrella" "And when was
thatP" asked friend '.lt was when
some pesky thief stole my new silk
one," answered the deacon.
EAJust to think that Ralph Waldo EN-
erson never dyed his moustache, never
twirled a ten-cent came, nor smoked
cigarettes! And yet lot of old fogies
have the assurance to ask our young
men to look up to him as model!
''This is Neptune" said the profess
sor, his fingers on the outside ball of
tho system, land we are two thousand.
seven hundred and fifty miles from the
san.n Rheumatic student on ths back
seat turns up his collar and shivers
perceptibly.
A tobacco hater says, 1.-TWO cigars
day will supply family with -four"
Fogg says ho buys half-a-dozen cigars
some days, but he doesn't find it any
easier to supply the family with -four,
for all that. He thinks there must be q
mistake somewhere.
Count Ito his servant)-John. have
noticed that ever since your wife death
you have come home drunk every evon-
ing. Why is thisP John-I am only trying
to console myself for my loss. Count
And how long is this going to lastp
John-O, sir, am inconsolable.
The Vicar: SCOT your grandson with
you to-day, Mrs. BrownPn Mrs. Brown:
ayes, sir. Schoolmaster amt well, yer
see, sir, an 'e's give 'em q 'oliday, sir;
so scs to meself, ses, beyootiful
time to have two of is teeth drawed,
sirl''
Thousands of immigrants arriving
daily in New York Immediately leave
for tho West, and many persons won-
der where they all find employment.
The fact is, they merely take the places
of those Western people who are blown
away by frightful tornadoes.
us there such thing as luckp'' asks
a correspondent. There is. For in
stance, if you go home at two o clock in
themorning, after promising your wife
TO be in early, and find her asleep, and
don't tumble over any chairs, that's
luck, but it isn't to bedepended on.
Gomgom, junior, who has only been
married q few days, happened, in COM
pany with his wife, to pass near a bee
1.-Two. Tho bees stung his wife, and
Gomgonn, instead of plying hor, said,
"How. intelligent are those bees, my
dear, TO know that we are in our honey
moonF'@ Z y 4 = Z j go So
A father complained bitterly of tho
way his children destroyed their cloth
ing. He said: "When / was boy
only had one suit of clothes, and had
to take care of it. was only allowed
one pair of shoes year in those daysr'
Then the oldest boy spoke up and said:
81 say, dad, you have a much easier
time of it now-you are living with usr'
A young lady who had been married
n little over year wrote to her father
in this city, saying: 'Wo have the dear
ist little cottage in the world; ornament
edwith the most charming little creep
ers you ever saw" The old man read
the letter, and exclaimed, t'Twins, by
thunder"
sAre you going to take that ugly pug
dog with you again, Carrie?' asked
Charles. Il really believe you take
him simply to make yourself look pref
tier by the contrast" Don't be jealous
oI poor 4 ug, CHarleyj5 replleu NdTrle-
-1'll take you some time when I want
to look especially handsome"
A young lady of Harlem was recently
noticed by her mother to be fonding
and kissing a pet kitten. f"Why, Mary"
said the mother, 'you have kissed that
kitten moro in five minutes than you
have me in five years" Don't you
know why I'd rather kiss the kitten
than you, motherP'' mo, my child"
"You haven't got whiskersT'
An Equivocal Compliment.-''T'm 30
glad to meet you here, Capt Spinks!
and so glad you're going to take me in
to dinner" Capt. S. is delighted.)
YOU'RE about the only man in
the room my husband isn't likely to
be jealous OFF, (Capt. Spinks' delight
is no longer unmixed.)
J A French speculator, who has Just
been ruined, meets one of his pals.
'.And what are you going to do nowP'
inquiries this person. 'Dop there's
nothing left for me but the other
worlds my dear fellow! Kill your
selfP" ''Kill myselfP Isail for New York
TO morrow, that's allP''