The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-09-07
WIT AND HUMOR,

Almost anybody can run into debt;
but nearly everybody has to crawl out
of 1t.
A New Jersey woman claims to have
been knocked down and severely injured
by mosquito.
Awag suggested that suitable opening
for many choirs would be, Lord, have
mercy on us miserable singers"
$50 dark and yet so light" as the
man said when he looked at his short
ton of coal.
A countryman, on seeing the yacht
Psyche, is alleged to have exclaimed:
"P-s-y-c-h-e! Gosh! What way to spell
fshr'
Say, when boy, standing on his
head, looks at his feet, does he look up
or downp Take that to the Smithsonian
institute and ponder over it
A Florida alligator which was killed
the other day had an empty two-quart
jug in its stomach. Alligators never
stop to measure their drinks.
A Boston widow advertises for bed
room at least five feet square. She has
become tired of having her feet out in
the hail.
Chasing mosquitoes around your room
in your shirt and drawers with wet
towel for a raquet is good practice for
lawn tennis.
During thunderstorm out west q
book-canvasser took shelter under tree
and was struck on the cheek by light
ming. The doctors say the lightning
can't live.
Edwin Booth has been guilty of a
pun. He says no matter how many
quarrels over petty jealousies actors may
have, they always make up" before
going on the stage.
A hat Irritation is the latest idiocy
among the girls. There is no way that
a man can wear hat that doesn't mean
something, and the only way you're safe
is to go bareheaded.
They don't have rains out West. A
cloud just saunters up and examines a
town, and then collapses right over it.
Nobody escapes but the newspaper re-
porters and the book agents.
''Oh, the patriots. the patriotsr ex-
claimed Oscar Wilde; ''let's shut down
the window and shut off the noise. -
He was in Atlanta and it was the glori-
GUS fourth.
Stationmaster to suspicious-looking
lady (aged) who has just entered COM
partment: ''Are you first class, MADAME"
Aged lady: ''Yes, thank you; how are
you, sir?"
Hard-Pan Logic-Physician "And is
that all you are going to give me, ~
marks for forty visitsP" Miser: Il
Il s..l-
must consider that if hadn't been sick
you wouldn't have had anything"
The bite of mad boy has been prov
en- to be as poisonous as the bite of q
mad dog, and yet mothers keep right
on holding them up in corners to wash
their faces and comb down their bris-
ties.
Barnum was presented to the prince
of Wales the other day, but by great
effort the Snowman kept himself from
asking the prince what his mother would
charge to come to America and ride
Jumbo.-PhiladelphiG Ne,CS.
Proposing remedy for mosquitoes,
the Hammonton Hornet says; "Place a
small piece of raw meat on a plate in
your sleeping room, and the birds will
light on it and never fly away. Our
''birds'' would fly away with the meat,
plate and Camden Post.
Old gentleman Cooking at very bob
tailed horse): "Bless me! how short
they have cut his tail" Attendant:
His master is n member of the Society
for the Protection of Animals, sir. In
this fashion he will not annoy the poor
flies"
An Attorneys Last Hope-A certain
sharp attorney was said to be in bad
circumstances. A friend of the unfor-
tunate lawyer met Jerrold, and said:
''Have you heard about poor R-P
His business is going to the devil" Jer-
rold; That's all right, then; he is sure
to get it back again"
81 should think that you would feel
badly about leaving this place." said a
housemaid to the departing cook. 81
don't; I'm glad to go. L amt sorry to
leave any of you-except the dog. Poor
old Tiger, he always washed the plates
for me-"
A father scolds his son for his num-
erous youthful errors: Really, father,
you were once young. Did you never
frolic?" Never" said the father with
a melancholy sigh; ''when was young
had no money, and when | became
rich it was too late"
A man in Georgia lost gold collar
button two years ago, and recently the
missing iewelry was found in the fat of
the digestive organs of slaughtered
COW. How the cow got under the bu-
reau in the bedroom, where a detached
collar-but always rolls, is an inexpli-
cable mystery.
Two friends, after dinner, over their
cigars, discourse of life: "Growing old
is n bore, old fellow; ones powers
must fall off, you know" Not a bit;
look at TOmpkins, now" ''Well?"
"Why, at college he was awfully stupid,
but he's past 80, and still he grows stu
pider every day"
Ava does not like the smell of tobac-
CO. One day neighbor came in, smok-
ing. When he had gone away again
Ava went into the kitchen with her
small nose in the air: HAS Mr.. b
been here?" she asked. "Yes," said
Nora. "Humphr' said Ava. Il thought
/ heard a SMELL
They tell of a man out west who was
putting a blast in well, and it went
off prematurely and blew him out into
an apple tree about fifty feet away. In
moment he recovered himself, and re-
marking, The Lord knows better than
1 do, after all; guess it's almost time
to go to pruning" took large prun-
ing-knife from his pocket and went to
work.
An old story in a new form is going
the grand rounds, and tells about a
young man at table d'hote at one of the
rural hotels where ''lady walters" are
employed. He wanted beverage with
his roast, and summoned the maiden,
to whom he said, Have you any por-
ter?' "Yes," said she, 1--WE have three
or four, but they are all colored." Where
ignorance is bliss, it is the height of ab-
slrditv to be intellinent