The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1882-02-09

WORDS UPON THE NATTER OF EXPERT TIES
TIMoNY.
My dear" said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she
wiped the corner of the baby's mouth and
curled up roll on the top of its head, "why
don't you go and be an expert ?"
expert in what" demanded Mr.. spoopen.
| dyke, dropping his paper. What kind OF an
expert?"
Don't you know? An expert who goes to
court and yels right out what he thinks of
hypothetical questions and heads, and knows
by the almanac just when man is crazy and
when he isn't"
Anything particular the matter with your
head this trip? Been reading some old cook
book latey2 What're you talking about2
What dress pattern have you got hold of
now ?" II.
Il was reading about Guteau, !" replied; Mrs.
Spoopendyke, and / thought how much bet
ter it must be to be an expert than to know
anything about the case That's why asked
Ii man knows anything they always prove
that he don't, but if he is an expert he lust
and that ends it," si8N
| Il spose you think I've had so much ex-
perience in idiocy at home that could make
| a fortune as an expert" sputtered Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. Il tell you, they are all intelligent
men. They make up their minds and swear to
their opinions, according to law. When the
revised statutes at large provide for me as an
expert, as they provide for idiots, lunatics,
habtual drunkards, and married women, IN
go into the business" and Mr. Spoopendyke
winked at himself triumphantly, as he thought
over the last shot. sou ae5 -
"Well," rejoined Mrs. spoopendyke bridl-
ing Indignantly, "if the revised statutes pro-
vide in that way they ought to be shut up
They've no business at large. | didn't know
that these experts were legaized supposed
they just went there to help their friends
along"
mo they don't, either" retorted Mr. Spoop-
endyke "They go to swear whether the man
is insane or not"
but what do they want to drown him for ?"
argued Mrs Spoopendyke There they were
all talking at once and getting along pleas
antly, when all of a sudden Mr.. Corkhill and
Colonel Corker and Mr.. Savage threw Mr.
Guiteau into the dockr
"Drown your grandmother's hind legP'
howled Mr.. Spoopendyke. What dye think
law dock is? Got a notion it's measly
pond with green scum on top of it 'Spose
it's two inch-mud puddle with a fence
arauDd If and q CoprrooC;onal onrron,;o4;o,,
to make it navigable? It's pen, I tell We
rallied off pen in the courtroom where they
put prisoners. Guteau bothered the experts
so they had to put him in the pen, Think you
understand 1t now ?"
"Of course assented Mr.. Spoopendyke,
but why don't they put Mr. Scoville and Mr..
Reed there too? They are trying to bother
the experts just as much as Guiteau did. They
won't let the poor men alone"
Don't you know the difference between a
lawyer and a criminal?" ripped Mr.. spoopen-
dyke, cor is that too fnea distinction for your
Reed and Scoyile are defending Guiteau.
Porter, Corkhill and Davidge are prosecuting
him. Of course his lawyer will cross-examine
the witness against him. But it's no use to
explain anything to YOU '
Il understand that much" returned Mrs.
Spoopendyke. "but I don't understand what
Judge Cox means by pitching INTO the lawyers
and overriding their questions. The first he
knows the experts will swear that he Is an
and then he'll be put in the
dock with Guiteau, where it will go hard with
him. tell you, judge can't be too careful
how he behaves" and Mrs. Spoopendyke
smoothed out his dress
Now" yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke, unable for
an instant to throw his feelings into any CO.
herent form of speech. you've struck It'll
You're a whole barrel of canned iudiciaryi
All you want now is II red label on your back
and some marginal notes to be a dodgasted
law library Ii you'd change assistants once
a month ana win four cases during one term
Of office, you'd only need three deodands and
a plug hat TO be district Attorney You've
got the idea There's nothing more to be said
on either side. Give you black petticoat
with sleeves to it and wart on your nose
and you'd only want restaurant in the base
ment and lounge up stairs to be a United
States Supreme Court! What dye think
judge is for? A substitute? Think he sits
around to ease the prisoner, turn and turn
about? Cot some kind of an idea that he is
a dodgasted work on etiquette with mottled q
leaves and yellow binding and Tommy from u
Fanny on the fly? | tell you he presides
And anybody but a haHwitted woman, who 81
didn't think with her heels and reason with
the rat holes next door wouldn't need to be
told of it more times than she makes measly
idiot of herself" t . .s
"1f he presides, it is all right" rejoined Mrs.
Spoopendyke, with sigh ofreliet, "but got
an idea that he went there to feel the public
sentiment, and then say these were his views.
and that he was only helping the prosecution
TO see the error OF Guiteaus ways before his
conduct was snapped up and used against
him"
Mr.. SpoopendYke drew off his clothing SOL
EMMY, fired the pieces into different corners,
and waded into bed with the stern reflection
that ''some people only need side whiskers
and note book full of lectures on repeal stat
utes to do modern law school,
Il don't care,' muttered Mrs Spoopendyke.
II like those experts, and l wish nv husband
would go into the business They NAV not
hang Mr. Guiteau, but they find the Jury in
sane, and Porter will have to look up some
other kind of job, for this trial can't last
forever"
With which satisfactory solution of the ma