The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1882-10-02
Mark Twain Exercises.
With an Axe ne Attempts to Initiate
Washington, Greeley and Gladstone.
TElmira Adyertiser.l

[Elmira Adyertiser.l
The genial humorist who sits up aloft on
the peak of East Hill, and from his elevated
perch looks down upon Elmira for his inspira-
tion in counting the comic muse, has been
somewhat out of health this summer. Sitting
one day at his study window, nursing a little
rheumatism, gazing far away over the peaceful
city lying below him, and wondering whether
there was one man within its limits who could
knock the spots off him on game of billiards.
he was interrupted by the arrival Of the family
physician, who called to make friendly visit.
Into his sympathetic ear was poured the tale Of
the humorist's woes and after q moments
consultation he remarked, "Clemens, what you
need is EXERCISED With look OF gentle re-
proacb which soon changed to anxious limo
cence, the hero of many an experience OF
roughing 1t Tin picturss) and tramps at home
and abroad Ton paper) made reply: "Well,
that's all right, that's all right, but whose GO
iRg to do it fer me? You sse," he continued.
"ths men on the place are all busy, and the
children amt big enough to accomplish any
thing, and" "You mast do it yours elfi' was
the professional stop put to this demur. 'Do it
myself! How in thunder do you expect-why
what can do? There amt good poker play
er on this hill, and the hammock broke down
yesterday, SO can't use that " "No, no."
interrupted the doctor, "you must have setive
exercise; something that looks like work, you
know. You can walk downtown, or swing
dumb-bells, or chop wood, Or Mold on,
you've struck it," exclaimed MARX "Ill chop
woosp' BEST thing you could do,n said the
doctor, as he took his leave It'll bring into
play SO many varied muscles, expands the
chest, deepens the Inspiration and superin-
duces a more bountiful oxygenation by the
beautiful process of endoEmosis and exosmosis
and hence the red corpuscles-n 'sHere, have
cigar" said Twain, p6shing the box before
him, land let up on Moses "You musn't
smoke, you know the doctor said, as he
picked out weed "Ohi no, I've stopped
smoking" was the reply, as he carefully placed
sheet OF copy Paper over three old stumps
and brier Ping; II found it disagreed with
my family long ago." The doctor departed,
and CLEMENS, with the glow of renewed health
already Shilling in anticipation on his brow,
took one 81 the farm hands from the harvest
field and sent him to town after new axe. He
returned with the tool, bright bladed, sharp
edged and spent twenty minutes trying to ex-
plain to the bewlldered author why the handle
was made crooked, and the red label was only
Intended to advertise the makers name.
well, but didn't they send any directions
with it?" was the anxious inquiry. "How do
they suppose an inexperienced person csn
load and 6re that thing without rues?" Fin
ally, thinking he had the hang of the thing,
Clemens had the man hitch up and drive him
up the road about mile to piece of woods,
the axe carefully wrapped in an old coat, SO
that no one should be hurt by it. The members
OF the family went with him to look for flow
ers and berries while he chopped. Arriving at
the desired spot, he carefully took out the axe,
unwrapped the old coat and laid the tool down
beside the stump of a dead pine. The family
wandered away, picked one or two flowers and
then fastened back as they heard him shouting
their names. "pve done enough for to-dayi"
he said, as they came near. They saw four
busters on his hands and piece
OF new leather shining on one of
his boots but ne wood lying around
However, they said nothing and went home,
the hired man carrying the axe. That evening
sitting on the piazza, applying arnica to his
hands, he said, Its hard work, but I'm going
to keep it upi It's splendid exercise, and just
see how it has built up other great ment Why
| you know Greeley prolonged his life many
| years by ehopping at Chappaqua, and Glad
stone is alive yet and making things hot in
| Egypt only by reason of the beneficial results
of an hours chopping every day You just
wait month and see mel I'll be able to fight
Tug Wilson and row Courtney and outtalk
Beecher."
All this was several weeks ago. Only few
where he had left it on the return from his in
| ital trip, its brightness changed to reproachful
rust Conscience smote him. He ould re-
| sumo exercise. He would attack anew the
| monarchs OF the forest. He would acquire
muscle So he boldly marched tor the same
| piece of woods and began operations on the old
| pine. But a few minutes had elapsed before
| sturdy six-footer appeared before him, and the
| following solloquy ensued: "Now you skin
right ont O. here, dunn quick, young mani
These is my woods, and you'll learn to let
| folkses property alone after I'm through with
| vel Git now?' Searching on his forehead for
| an imaginary bead Of sweat, Twain glanced
dqbio1sly at the enraged buColic and said
/ "Well, Wh-wnatr-seerir---tu bu--the matter
with your" "Matter I'll show ye DUN yeI
Tryin' to steal my woodl" "I'm not trying to
steal your wood" quoth Marx, with dignity
Then what in the - are you cutting il for?,
"Why, for exercise, that's all. The doctor said
-" "Oh, that's too thini Exercisei You look
ciaeI Now, with renewed energy, you get
| right out O. here. Right out" and the farmer
| made threatening advances. "But, but look
here, my good man, you don't know who am
You are talking to a." Yes, | do know
| You're that Clemens. I've heard about YOU
being here four weeks ago, and I've had my
! eye out for you ever sincei Nov (picking up a
| pine root), you gitF' Clemens took up the axe
cast whitening look on the bucolic and sadly
| climbed out of the woods, over the fence and
| out of danger, the voice OF the enraged land
| owner ringing in his ears for some distance
| down the road.
| Why MIR. Clemens went so far to find chop
| ping place, when there were three orchards be-
| tween him and the woods, is not known Gree
icy wanted to attack his wife's favorite shade
| trees, and Gladstone has spoiled many valus-
bic trunk in the park. They were not partic-
| ular, and MIR. Clemens should not have BEEN
That is the moral this story is intended to con-
Tey.