The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1882-06-29
DAMON AND PYTHIAS.

The romantic story of Damon and Pythias,
which has been celebrated in verse and song
have originated in the reign of Dionysius l., or
Dionysius the elder, as he was called, who
reigned 300 wears Ii. C.. He must have been
called "elder' more for joke than anything
else, as he was by inclination Unitarian, al
though he was never a member of any church
whatever, and was, in fact, the wIckedest man
in all Syracuse.
Dionysius arose to the throne from the ranks,
and used to call himself selfmade man. He
was tyrannical, severe, and selfish, as all self
made men very prone to usurp the preroga-
tive of the Almighty and overwOrk themselves.
They not satisfied with the position of d.
vision superintendent of creation, but they want
to be the most worthy grand muek-a-mnck of
the entire RANCH OF their lives are gloomy fiZzles
DiOnysius was indeed SO Odious and so over
hearing to his subjects, that he lived in constant
fear of assassination at their hands. This fear
robbed him of his rest, and rendered his life
dreary waste to the tyrannical king He lived
in constant dread that each previous moment
would be followed by succeeding one. He
would eat a hearty supper and retire to rest,
but the night would be cursed with horrid
dreams of the Scytbians and White River Utes
peeling off his epidermis and throwing him into
a boiling chaldron with red pepper and other
counter irritants, while they danced the High
land fling around his royal barbecue.
Even his own wife and children were forbid
den TO enter his presence, for fear that they
would put .'barh arsenic" in the blanc mango, or
'eOs grove Orsenic" in the pancake, or Paris
green in the diet.
During his reign, he had constructed an inn
mense subterraneOus cayernous arrangement,
called the ear of DiOnysius, because it resembled
in shape and general telephone power, the hr-
man ear. Ii the largest ear record. One
day n workman expressed desire to erect n
similar ear of tin or galvanized iron on old Di.
himself Some one ..blowed ON him. and the
next morning his head humping about in
the waste basket at the general Office.
When one of the Kings subjects, who thought
he was solid with the administration, would say
''BeyOnd the possibility of a dOubt,-yOur most
serene highness is the King and loving guardian
of his people, and the idol Of his subjects" his
royal highness would say:
'Wha' We givin' us. Do you wish to play the
most sublime overseer of the universe aud gen.
eral plenipotentiary for "A Chinaman! Yon can
not fill up the King of Syracuse with taffy."
Then he would order the chief executioner to
run n man through the royal sausage grinder
and throw him into the Mediterranean. In this
way the sausa ge-grinder was kept running day
and night and the chief engineer who ran the
machine made double time every month.
| will now bring in Damon and Pythas.
Damon and PytIias were named after popu-
lar secret organization, because they were solid
on each other. They thought more of each other
than anybody. They borrowed chewing tobac-
co, and were always sociable and pleasant.
They slept together, aud unitetlly ''stood oil"
the landlady, from month to month, in the most
cheerful and harmonious manner. If Pythias
snOrel in the night like a blast of u fog horn,
Damon did not get mad and kick HIM in the
stomach, some would. He gently but firm
~ took him 10y the nose and lifted him up and
down to the merry rhythm Of THE Baby's in
Our Block"
They loved each other in season and out Of
season. Their affection was like the soft bloom
on the nose of q Wyoming Legislature. 1t never
grew pale or wilted. 1t was always there. IL
Damon was at the bat, Pythias deck. II
Damon went to church and invited starvation,
Pythias would 20 too, and would vote on the
handsOmcst baby nntii the First National Bank
of Syracuse would refnse to honor his checks.
But one day Damsn got too much bulge, and
told the venerable and colossal old royal bum
mer of Syracuse what he thought of him. Then
Dionyss told the chief engineer of the sausage
grinder to turn on steam and prepare for bust
ness. But Damon thought of Pythias, and how
Pylhias hadn't much to live for as he had,
and he made compromise, by offering to put
Pythias to soak while the only genuine Damon
went tn see his hest girl who lived in Albany.
Three days were given him to get around and
redeem Pythias, and if he failed, his friend
would 20 to protest.
Ii is now the proper time to throw in the sOli-
tary hOrseman. The horizontal bars of golden
light from the setting sun CLEAN and glitter
from the dome of the court house, and battle the
great plains of Syracuse with mellow splendor.
The bllowy piles of fle-cy bronze in the eastern
sky looks soft and yielding, like Sara Bern
har,lt. The lowing herd winds slowly DER the
lea, and all is ready for the coming horror.
The solitary h0rseman is seen coming along
the Albany and Syracuse toll road. He jabs
the Mexican spurs into the foamy flank of his
Cayuse ping, and the lash of the quirt AS it
moves through the air, singing a merry song.
Damon has been delayed by road-agents and
washouts. and he is little behind time. Be
sides, he fooled little too long. and dallied in
Albany with his fair gazelle. But he is making
up time now, and he sails into the jail-yard just
in time TO take his part. He and Pythias fall
into each others arms, borrow a chew Of fine-cut
from each other, and weep to slow music.
Dionysius comes before curtain, bows and says
the exercises will he postponed. He orders the
band to play something soothing, gives Damon
the appointment of Superintendent Of Public
Instruction, and Pythas the Syrcuse post-oficr,
and everything is lovely. Orchestra plays some
thing very tOuehful, curtain comes down. Keno.
In hoe HsafrHct RHr rOmied esf.-BU Ny.