The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1882-09-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

reckoned by the yard.
The New Orleans Picaytne protests
against calling every ruffian cowboy
as an insult to the COWS.
1t was. a French woman who eXclaim-
| ed: "How nice cold water would be if
it were only wicked TO drink it,"
Let man start out to commit suicide,
and on his way to the river be murder
ously assaulted, and he'll fight like q
fiend for his life
Confederate bonds are still selling at
three dollars per face value of $1,000.
1t is cheaper to buy the regular styles
OF wall paper, however.
A little boy who was discovered the
other day in the dairy, endeavoring to
steal cream, says there's manya slipper
between the cup and the Upper.
The Boston AdUertiSer has discovered
that if man applies himself diligently
10 getting the juice out of an orange he
generally suck seeds.
"Angelina'-No, we do not think it
would be practicable to feed the live
stock on an ocean steamerin the trough
of the sea.
In the new arithmetic one reads, "In
one lot there arc four calves, and in an
other two young men with their hair
banged. How many calves in ALP"
By all means keep fowls. Farmers
who own hens invariably find that their
seeds come up quicker than those who
do not
Thomas Hardy's new novel is 1.-Two
on Tower If he refers to q newly
married couple, his spelling is erron-
eous.
We learn from an exchange that a
Welshman's oath is "Y'mw lgng wggll."
This is too awfully awfully awful, and
it looks like tish-worm.-Derrtck.
The oldest inhabitant is generally
man-not because he is given to lying,
but because he commenced owning up
to his age sooner. rt~-, 49,
A fool in high station is like a man
in a balloon--everybody appears little
to him, and he appears little to every
body.
''Ain't that lovely critter, john"
said Lecrusha, as they stopped opposite
the leopard's cage. "Waal, yes" said
John, shut he's dreffully freckled, amt
he?'' 1r-, &r.a - .hr' e., hs- as-yG@
II wish l was worth Million" said
a close-fisted man. "Why SOP" asked
a friend; "you don't spend half your
present income" 30, should like to be
economical on a larger scale"
A cable dispatch that "a mine was
discovered in a street in Moscow, Rus
sia," was headed by an innocent jour-
nalistic head-writer as "a bonanza in
Moscow"
"The Manners that VIM is the title
of a new work on etiquette. This, we
presume is intended to teach man how
to look unconcerned when he holds four
Gam hurting you badlyP" asked
Boston dentist of lady whose teeth he
was fixing, and who was emitting horri-
BILE groans. '.Oh, not in the least, but
love to groan," was the reply.
A theological student, supposed to be
deficient in judgment, in the course of
q class examination was asked by
professor, spray, Mr.. E., how would
you discover foolp'' '.By the ques-
tons he would ask" said Mr.. Z.
Beef has become so high that the
oxen are holding up their heads in
most disgustingly arrogant manner
They look with disdain upon all ami
mails whose sphere in life is not to be
eaten. q - y Is N
"You made a fool of me-" said an
irate man to his wife. 'My love-" she
sweetly responded, "you do yourself in
justice. Call yourself a fool if you wish,
but remember you are in all respects a
self-made man."
1t is stated that experiments conduct
ed by Mr.. Krupp at his great cannon
construct missile which, after piercing
the object shall expand with disastrous
effect 1t is presumed they use dried
apples.
pause" said the highly-cultivated
Boston girl to her lover, who was about
to kill a. mosquito. Pause: In the
balanced and admirably adapted econo-
my of nature, man cannot interfere
without disarranging the whole order of
things" And he paused.
Gassiboy says: 1.-THE most rapid de-
pllllOTy hHOWH Is inc WIG utnu WneH
she catches you winking at that other
gal. 1t is a most efficacious hair-re-
mover, takes the roots right out, and
can be warranted entirely free from
acid. the acidity being confined to the
lady's temper"
A Harlem man started economy last
week. He went to bed on Saturday af-
ternoon and remained there till nine on
Monday morning. He says the period
thus spent was slightly wanting in
fierce excitement, but he never had such
o cheap time in his life.
"a little gid Twas promised BY her
grandmother her gold watch when She
should die. The child appreciatcdAthe
delicacy of the situation. but after some
hints her grandmother was prevailed |
upon to show her the watch. IL Won
DER" said the little one to her mother,
Rs they were leaving the grandmother!s
house. "if Ishall get the watchCin time
to wear. it at the funeral hpNN / |
as the water all froze upP" asked
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