The National tribune., 1882-08-12
WIT AND EUMNR,

Perfectly WELL but not long for this world
Gen. Tom Thumb.
Girls, like opportunities, are all the more
to you after being embraced.
If ladies are to wear boots will jeweled
garters continue to grow in popularity?
A half dollar with hole in it is like both
bowers and the ace-mighty hard to pass.
"Willful waste makes woeful want" says
the old proverb, and some fellows often
have woeful want for a willful waist.
If an unfortunate man could coin all the
sympathy he receives into dollars, the poor
would speedily become wealthy.
Jesse James outlaw brother is said to be
at some eastern watering place, so he will
soon find out what it is to be robbed.
In view of the demand for jeweled gar
ters it is thought highly probable that bath
ing suits will be in demand for evening
wear.
n is stated as fact that some ultra es-
thetic individuals use embroidered mustard
plasters. Well, there is no law to prevent
such persons from making fools of them
selves.-Hdckensack Republican.
1t is astonishing how inefficient sham
poo really is. You have one to-day, and the
very next barber that gets hold of you, if
but tomorrow, finds your scalp in a shock
ing condition, "really it is, sir"
Il was within mile of your house the
other day" 'Were you?" replied the ania-
BILE but eccentric gentleman addressed. "The
next time you are mile from my house,
hope you will stay there all night"
She laid her cheek on the easy chair against
his head and murmured, How 1 do love to
rest my head against your head, Augustusm
"Do you?" said he. "Is it because you love
me?" "No; because it is so nice and soft"
A gentleman named Page, proposing to
lady with pair of gloves, wrote:
Ifyou from glove will take the letter G,
Then love remains, and that send TO thee.
She replied:
And if from Page you take the letter P,
Then age remains, and that won't do for me.
"Do look good in this suit, darling?"
he asked. "Of course you do, George" she
murmured, "you look good in anything"
"Do you really mean it ?" he asked in a
Charlotte-russe tone. "Of course she does"
said her little brother, Il heard her say
yesterday that you would look well in any
thing. She said that you would look well
in the lunatic asylum"
II say, sir, do you want to hire a boy?" said
bright looking little fellow as he stepped
into business Office. "What can you do,
sir" was the respondents inquiry. Il can
tell the truth, sir" was the bright reply.
Don't want you, my little man; my business
can't stand truth telling" Better take the
boy" said a bystander. "Pknowhim. When
he says he can tell the truth, he lies Ike
blazes. He can't do it nor his father before
him couldn't either" Boy engaged on mod
ern business principles.
Judge, severely: "How do you know the
defendant is q married man? Were you ever
at his house?" mo, sir" DO you know
him personality" No. sir" "Didanybody
ever tell you they were married" No sir;
but when see a man and woman come TO
the same church regularly for three years,
occupy the same pew, and have hymn-Dook
apiece to sing out of, 1 don't want to see no
marriage certificate. can swear TO their re-
lation all the time"
Some Germans were recently talking over
the subject of an elopement which occurred
hereabouts, when one asked another II ne
would be offended if his wife was to elope.
II bade you," says Hans, striking the beer
table with his fist, :" of my wife should run
away NIT annoder mans wife, l would shirk
him out Of her breeches if she vas mine own
fadder"
A lady with young infant was recently
presented with handsome basket bearing on
its lining the words, Welcome, Little
Stranger" The basket was greatly admired,
especially the painted letters i'll green and
gold, but the nurse, an Irish woman, put IN a
veto against the salutation, "for sure thai
was wrong, for the baby is not stranger, but
one of the family"
A good old lady, speaking in prayer
meeting and giving expressions to thejoy ana
confidence she felt, said: II feel as if l was
ready this minute to fall into the arms OF
Beelzebub." "Abrahaml You mean Abra-
ham," hastily corrected brother sitting near.
"Well, Abraham, then," was the response;
ait don't make any difference. They are
both good menu