The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1882-07-29
ALL SORTS.


treat him as you would q smoking lamp,
Don't put him out. but let him down
easy.
| The most afflicted part of the house il
| the window. It is always full of panes
and who has not seen more than one win.
dow blind?
/ The latest slang expression applied to
the susceptible young man is Potato. Z
The reason therefor is that he frequently
gets mashed.
ssIn the bright lexicon Of youth there's
no such word as fail, says Bulwer; but
Bulwer never tried to crawl under cir
Gus tent Phil. News.
'sAvoid that which you blame others
for doing" says one of our wise men,
Things have come to a pretty pass, If a
man can't kiss his own wife
Why do elderly spinsters have predi.
lection for parrots? Well, they have no
| man about the house, and they want
something around that can swear.
"Why is it." asks the Philadelphia
Cochin China, but nothing about the
horse?" All, is it beast o'bhirden?
| A man who wants his wife to love and
respect him will never make the mistake
of putting his feet into her slippers.
Years of devotion will not wipe out the
| insult.
A Wisconsin girl-baby has six arms
We may therefore hope that in due sea-
son one young woman viii be able to do
up her back hair in less than three
hours.
ST want little change, said Mrs. B.
to her husband yesterday. s'Well,"
was the heartless response, "iuss wait
for it. Time brings change to every
body"
According to Darwin, those who are
the best fitted to live are the one who do
hve." Judging from some who do live,
those who do not live must be sorry
specimens.
"You are as full of airs as music
box, is what young man said to girl
who refused to let him see her home
'sThat may be" was the reply, "but I
don't go with crank.
Polydipsia is the Boston name for
thirst. When suffering from polydipsia
the Boston man calls for spiritus fru-
menti and then washes it down with pro-
toxide of hydrogen.
Vermont can still show snow banks a
mile long and sixteen feet deep, and
New Hampshire men have no thoughts
of leaving off their overshoes for a
month yet.
It is understood that Eli Perkins rode
Apollo, the horse that won the Derby at
Louisville, Tuesday. In the pictures
and statues Apollo is always represented
as carrying Tyre.
A Western young man aged eighteen
has eloped with woman of three score
years. This aesthetic craze fer antiqui-
ties is becoming altogether too general,
aud threatens to cause trouble.
In this case it is easy to discern which
is which. An exchange says: ''Call a
young girl witch, and she is pleased;
call an elderly woman an old witch, and
her indignation knows no bounds.
A woman who feels that she must
pinch her waist, pad her hips, cramp
her feet, paint her face and wear false
hair to secure admirers, will find herself
nowhere beside circus street parade.
It is proposed in England that the
house in which Darwin was born be pur-
chased by the public authorities and
preserved from destruction, and that o
tablet be placed upon it recording Che
events that has made it famous.
Alexander H. Stephens will have no
difficulty in securing the governorship of
his State. The people there are determ-
ined to elect civilian and be is the only
public man south of Mason and Dixon's
line who is not colonel at least Phil.
News.
Things one would wish to have ex-
pressed differently: Musical maiden-.I
hope am not boring you, playing SO
much?" Enamored yonth-"Oh, mol
Pray go onl lid so much sooner
hear you play than talk"- London
Punch.
A Fact.-Sister Ito Fred, just returned
from spring visit to London - But tell
me, Fred, what was the prettiest thing
you saw in bonnets?" Fred ct
prettiest thing I saw in bonnets? Why,
the girls who wore them, of course.
Bless their dear little hearts,
The people of Kansas, under the
| forestry laws of the State, have planted
| the most abundant, and il grows the
| most rapidly. About 6O00 acres have
been planted in black walnut, and will
aA1no AAhAisAooAaAo : AOoAA Ao ~ Sat5hb ~ hAnc
years.
This is just my luck" said the
gloomy man at the theater. Here's q
performance going on that's SO bad it is
agonizing to witness, and it's the first
time in six months that haven't had
woman with bath-tub hat d front of
me when I've been to the theater."
Governor Crittenden. of Missouri. in
proof of his good service to the State in
securing the murder of Jesse James,
boasts that railroad travel in Missouri
has much augmented since the bandits
death, and that now, even commercial
drummers dare ride on railway trains in
any portion of the State.
Scene-A ward in q Scotch infrmary.
Lady visitor Are they kind to you
here?". Patient (who is recovering from
his illness and is very hungry INA. 7
never get haul ma full" Lady visitor
Indeed. Could you eat an egg7' Pa
tient-"E Eat an egg2 Gould a. eat twa.
Mem, I could eat the chap that laid
| them.
A fable: See the Boots. There are
Ten Pairs of Them. They are the Boots
Jesse James wore when Bad Man
Killed him. See the Clothes There are
Forty-Six Suits OF Them. They are the
Clothes Guiteau wore when he Shot
President Garfield. Why are there
Forty-six Suits Of Them? SO that each
i H,rors II, k1,a Gof4nkrv ca1s have ca-x.