Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1882-04-26
An Energetic Salesman.

Mr.. Joseph Smith, Salt Lake City
was registered at the Baldwin, last
week, as arriving on the overland train,
and the next morning, before he had
satisfactorily accomplished the matu-
tinal forty winks so dear to the fatigu-
ed traveller, persistent knocking was
heard at the door, and, upon its being
opened, a nervous-looking man, with
red hair, and box under his arm, slid
into the room and presented the dis
gustcd guest with business card in
four colors.
"The Patent Kidmore Cracker
said the guest, as he hoppcd into bed
again, and pulled up the Clothes
"You've made some mistake, my good
man. don't want any crackers" ="
'You think you don't, but you do"
said the intruder, with an migrating
smile. "Your name is Smith, from
Utah, isn't it p
"Well, suppose it is?'
Exactly. I'll explain. Now, sir,
give me your attention for Il moment.
What is the greatest curse known to
the married man? What is the most
disagrecable thing in domestic life p
"Well, lemmc see, bills" said the
guest, after a few moments reflection.
"Not at all, sir It's crumbs
Crumbs 2"
Eyes, sir; crumbs-cracker crumbs.
Did you ever know a married woman
who didn't insist on sitting up in bed
with the baby from four to forty times
per night, and feeding it on crackers?'
"How the dov--," began the strang-
er agent at is no longer necessary,
as you will see presently. As | was
going on to say, every married woman
feeds her baby on crackers in bed, aud
the result is that the sheets are always
full of crumbs. The wives don't seem
to mind them somehow, but husbands
do. Why, hair shirt wouldn't begin
TO produce the same amount of torture
caused an average man by single
crumb, and when there is moro, why,
cobblestones would seem bed Of roses
by comparison" "
"Well, sir; what
eWhat can | offer to mitigate the
cvil-to do away with the great we'll
spring of domestic misery, ch? This
fruitful cause of divorces and things.
Why, III show you. Behold the great
est invention Of the nineteenth cen
tury|
"Stop that What the blazes arc
you up to?" roared the guest, as his
interviewer turned down the bed clothes
and began sprinkling kind of saw
dust among the sheets.
"Kcep still-keep still, my dear sir,
said the cracker man blandly, "Pm
just showing you our mammoth boon
to humanity. This box is filled with
the new Kidmore Patent Cracker
Will you have the goodness to roll over
once or twice, and notice that the Kid
moro crumbs don't scratch bit. No
restlessness--no discomfort In fact,
the dough is so mixed with India rub
Der in the proportion"
"What the devil do you suppose |
care for your crackers? | don't cat in
bed !" and the infuriated traveller be-
gan swearing to find that his pistol was
locked up in his trunk.
"No, but your wives do" put. in the
imperturbablc agent.
"My what?'
"Why, your wives. If u man with
only one wife needs these invaluable
articles for family consumption, how
much more are they indispensable to a
man with twenty wives"
Twenty what p gasped the guest
who was now convinced that he had a
bad case of Guiteauphobia to deal
with, and was wondering whether he
couldn't turn on the fire alarm without
attracting the crank's attention.
"Why, twenty wives-you're the
Mormon apostle Smith, amt you?"
"No, I'm not" replied the other,
much disgusted; "and I'm not married
either"
"Why, you're from Utah, and your
name is spelled the same, S-m-i-t-h.
Singular, very singular" muscd the
cracker vcnder. "Surc you amt the
man?"
"Ycs, I'm sure; and if you don't
skate out of here blamed quick Pm
blessed if don't slam you out of that
window ~
"Good gracious and we're on the
seventh story, too. Guess I'd rather
take the elevator. However, to show
YOU there's no hard feelings, III leave
YOU few of our business cards. Sure
you're not that Smith, ch? Singular
coincidence, very"
And, shaking his head over the re-
markablc similarity of the names, the
agent wedgcd an Illuminated chrome
advertisement of the Kidmore Velvet
Crumb Cracker into the side of the
mirror, and drifted out.-San Francis
co Post.