The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1882-07-30
PRETENDED WIT.

A Boston paper tells of neighborC
who borrow creamery butter and pay
in oleomsrgarine. s11t r.
mo, you don't; you must pay as
you COL" exclaimed the landlord, as
he caught an impecdnious .boarder
trying to skip away.
A Philsdelphian advised his son
to aim high in life, and the lad went
out and shot cow. Beef was about
the highest thing he could fnd.to aim
as.
a very rich man said: ST worked
like e slave till was forty years old
to make ny fortune; and have been
watching it like a detective ever since
for my lodging, food and clothes."
Things one would wish to have
expressed differently. Musical Mai
den-"I hope / am not boring you.
playing 80 much" Ensmored Youth
10, no! Pray 60 enI I'D 90
much sooner hear you play than talk
A New-York-State man who re-
Gently tried a f1Ying-machine of his
Own invention had no advice 20 give
those who crowded around. ALI be
said was: "Work in burned fool
somewhere on my tombstonel"
Examiner-"WeIl. sir, We will
now suppose that you have been
called in to attend a patient who has
taken q powerful dose of arsenic
What would you advise giving him?"
NJ. D. lin embryo)-"The last saora-
ments, cir"
It is stated, probably in jest, that
Gustave Dore has lately bought a
villa on the outskirts of Paris, and has
! written up over the entrance the
musical notation: "Do, Mi, 81, La,
Do. Re-" This being properly inter.
preted, is: "Domicile Dore."
A Partisan sportsman who was
accused of rejoicing over the victory OF
Bruce In the race for the Grand Prix,
and thereby displaying q lamentable
lack of patriotism, proceeded to I'M
fold his system as follows: 81 always
back the foreigner. Then if be is
beaten l am consoled by the reflection
that my country has triumphed,
while on the other hand, if be wins,
my patriotic sorrow is lessened by the
reflection that l am 80 louis ahead. >
First boy-"You owe Bill Jackson
licking, an yer wants to lick him?''
Second boy Tightening his fists and
looking very bold)-"Yes," Firsl
boy-"Well, now's yer chance. Yon'
der be goes across the way" Second
boy weakening decidedly Wouldn't
it be JUS the same if / licked him to.
morreri" First boy (eontemptuously'
whats the matter with yeri
Didn't yer have nuthin' to eat for yel
breakfast" Second boy (glad OF an
opportunity to explainl-''Yes,
had suthin' to eat, but want nc
regular meal.
"What a curious idea that is o.
yours. my dear, to put your poor
dead husbands portrait in your
dining roomI" "Oh. put him there
as bit of still life."
A man who committed suicide il
Philadelphia recently is reported al
having been unmarried and eccen.
trio" The eccentrics are chiefly
bachelors. Nothing like marriage
for knocking the eccentEicity out oil
q man.
A crusty old fellow once asked;
"What is the reason that grifi rs,
dragons and devils are ladies' favor
tie subjects for embroidery designs?''
"Ah, because they are continually
thinking of their husbands" was the
lady's quick retort.
A m0dest bachelor who was threat
ened with q severe illness, stoutly re-
scented his landlsdy's suggestion that
she should call female physician oil
her acquaintance. 81 assure you"
urged the well-meaning hash manu-
facturess, shat she ia as competent
TO treat you as any male member ol
the profession I know Of" "Thal
may be. madame" replied the siling
boarder, euergetically, 'but do you
suppose I'm going to get up and put
my clothes on every time the doctor
csils?"