The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1882-12-07
shark Twain" CuItivates Muscle-H0w
He Was Misunderstood.

The genial humorist who sits ND alone
On the peak of East Hill, and from his
elevated perch looks down upon Elmira
for his inspiration in counting the comic
muse, has been somewhat out of health
this summer. Notwithstanding the fac,
that he located his book factory six hun.
dred feet above the city in order to &C.
complish his bibulous paradox of being
high and dry at the same time, vet he
discovered that the pains and aches OF
malarlal disturbance occasionally affiict
him full sore, reminding him of the fogs
and marshes of the Connecticut valleys
from which he recently took flight. Sit
ting one day at his study window, nurs-
ing little rheumatism. gazing far away
over the peaceful city lying below him,
and wondering whether there was one
man within its limits who could knock
the spots off him on a game of billiards,
he was interrupted by the arrival of the
family physician, who called to make a
friendly visit. Into his sympathetic ear
was poured the tale of the humorist' s
woes, and after moments consultation
he remarked, Clemens, what YOU need
is exercisen' With a look of gentle re-
proach, which soon changed to anxious
innocence, the hero of many an expert
ence OF roughing it Gin pictures and
tramps at home and abroad (on paper,)
made reply: "Well, that's right, that s
all right, but who's going to do it for
me? You see," he continued, 1.-The men
on the place are all busy and the chill
dren amt big enough to accomplish
anything, anu" You must do it
yourseltn' was the professional stop put
to the demur. ''Do it myself? How in
thunder do you expect-why, what can
do? There amt a good poker player
on this hill, and the hammock broke
down yesterday, so can't use that
mo, no" interrupted the doctor, '.you
must have active eXertive exercise; some
thing that looks like work, you know.
You can walk down town or swing
dumb-bells, or chop wood, Or Hold
on, you've struck it," exclaimed Mark.
~ III chop woodi" ''Best thing YOU can
do,' said the doctor, as he took his leave.
cit brings into play so many varied
muscles, expands the chest, deepens the
inspiration and superinduces more
bountiful oxygenation by the beautiful
process OF endosn osts and exoSmosia,
and hence the red corpuscles -
Here, have a cigar said Twain,
pushing box before him, land let up
on Moses" ''You mustn't smoke, YOU
know" the doctor said, as he picked out
aweed. t'O!no, Eve stopped smoking,'
as he carefully placed sheet of copy
paper over three old stumps and brier
pipe; Il found that it disagreed with nv
family long ago" The doctor departed,
and Clemens, with the glow of renewed
health already shining in anticipation on
his brow, took one of the farm hands
from the harvest field and sent him to
town after new AK. He returned with
the tool, bright-bladed, sharp-edged, and
spent twenty minutes trying to explain
to the bewildered author why the handle
was made crooked, and that the red
label was only intended to advertise the
makers name. well, but didn't they
send any directions with it?'' was the
anxious inquiry. ''How do you suppose
an inexperienced person can load and
fire that thing without rules?'' Finally,
thinking he had the hang of the thing,
Clemens had the man hitch up and drive
him up the road about mile TO a piece
OF woods, the ak carefully wrapped in an
old coat, so that no one should be hurt by
it. The members of the family went
with him to look for flowers and berries
while he chopped. Arriving at the de-
sired spot he carefully took out the ak,
unwrapped the old coat, and laid the
tool down beside the stump of a dead
pine. The family wandered away,
picked one or two flowers, and then
fastened back. as they heard him shout
ing their names. 1--we done enough
for to-day" he said, as they came near.
they saw four blisters on his hands and
a piece OF new leather shining on one of
his boots, but no wood lying around.
However, they said nothing, and went
home. the hired man carrying the ak.
That evening, sitting on the piazza,
applying arnica to his hands, he said;
Its hard work, but I'm going to keep
it up! It's splendid exercise, and lust
see see how it has built up other great men!
Why, you know, Greeley prolonged his
life many years by chopping at Chappa-
qua, and Gladstone's alive yet and max
ing things hotin Egypt only by reason
OF the beneficial results of an hours
chopping every day. You just wait a
month and see me! I'll be able to fight
Tug Wilson and row Courtney and out
talk Beecher.''z. a1 |
All this was several weeks ago. Only
q few days since Clemens noticed his
new axe lying where he had leftit on his
return frem his initial trip, its bright
ness changed to reproachful rust. Con
science smote him. He would resume
exercise. He would attack anew the
monarchs of the forest. He would ae |
quire muscle So he boldly marched for
the same piece of woods and began op |
erations on the old pine. But few |
minutes had elapsed before a six-footer |
before him. and the following |
colloquy ensued: :" Now, you skin right |
out o here, dunn quick, young man.
These is my woods, and you'll learn to |
let folkses property alone after I'm
through with We. Git nowr' Searching |
on his forehead for an imaginary bead |
of sweat. Twain glanced obviously at |
the enraged bucolic. and said: :. Well.
h-what--seems- to-be-the matter
with youP' Matter, I'll show We, durn
ye! Tryin to steal my woodr' "But.