Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-09-07
FLOATING FUN.
A fat job: Playing Falstaf.
Substantial visions: Provisions

oAA AAOAAA AAAC. 1AC dGdu buI
glar.
Human ate-yer: Devoured by a can
nibal.
Unattainable presents: Presents Of
mind.
The place for hungry people:-The
Sandwich Islands.
An editor who was told that his last
article was as clear as mud, said: "Well
that covers the ground, anyhow"
"Her Face Was Her Fortune" is the
title OF a popular novel. She was evil
IDENTITY book-agent, and travelled on
her cheek.
The ocean steamer passage-b books
show that the words, "When [ was in
Europe" will issue from 10000 addi-
tlonal mouths next autumn.
The castor-oil plant is said to be pc
cullarly obnoxious to flies; but one
can't have castor-oil plant growing
on -op of his bald head.
eyes," said Mrs. Laughingstock.
speaking of daughter recently mar
rled, "she became enameled of the
young fellow and would have him.
"Adolphus, let us leave the avenue,
and stroll along the margin of the riv-
er." 'Not any, dear Evangeline. No
more margins for me-"
How dare you say damn before
me% severely inquired clergyman of
loafer. Chow did know you want
ed to say damn irst?" retorted this
bad man.
1t Is the father Of twins who knows
what 1t is to be up all night with the
girls or the boys, for that matter, as
the case happens to be.
The sultan of Morocco has S64 wives.
What nice time he must have when
MS mother-in-law comes to see him.
An Arkansas girl refused to marry
her lover unless he performed some
heroic deed. He eloped with her
mother.
By mother-in-law: "You can de-
ceive your guileless little wife, young
man, but her fathers Whenever.
IL can marry any girl 1 please" he
said, with Enthusiastically you-loved-a
glrl-would-you-marry-her expression of
countenance upon his languid face.
"No doubt" she responded; "b1t what
girl do you please ?" They don't speak
now.
Some of our young men, before put
ting on eel-skin pants, should have en-
barked In the business of raising stock.
They should have raised a couple of
calves, at least.
The little girl who was disappointed
because her name could not be found
in the Bible, says: 'Never mind. I
will be such a GOOD girl that. If ever an.
other is written my name shall go into
it."
Bridget, I told you to have my not
water ready the first thing in the morn
ing" "Sure, SIR" replied Bridget,
"didn't [ bring it up and leave it at the
door last night, so as to have it in
timer"
Overhead on the Boulevard: "What
would you do if you should find ten
thousand francs upon the sidewalk"
"What would [ doi Why, | should i'm
mediatelv offer a recompense of two
francs to the one who had lost them"
Indignant boarding mistress: "Why,
what are you there for?" Fat boy on ta-
BILE: "Mr. Hewlett put me here. He
says it's his birthday, and he wants to
see something on the table besides
hash"
A Milwaukee drug clerk was whip
ped for putting whisky in Prohibition
lists. soda, and the next day lost his sit
uation because he failed to comprehend
the significance of an influential citi-
Ems wink.
The Indianapolis man who had de-
livered to him at his own front door,
and marked with his own name, a box
containing what was said to be his own
body, must have thought seriously,
Gam or am l not? If not. who in the
devil am I?'
Picking up: 81 guess you must be
better to-day" said Farmer Hodges to
a sickly neighbor, whom he found rus
ticating in his strawberry patch. ooh,
Pm picking up little," was the reply,
as the invalid bent over to get a red
nugget or so.
There was a hairpin on the White
Street bridge this morning. 1t was a
very little thing, was this hairpin, and
thoughtless public passed unconscious
ly over it. But while it was a trife on
the bridge it was power somewhere
else. In some home on this bright
summer morning there is a woman
tearing around after that hairpin, de-
claring as well as a mouth full of hair
will permit her, that it does beat al
that she can't lay anything down for
minute without somebody making off
with it.
''I would like situation" said mar
row-faced youth to a merchant. "You
would, eh {? Well, just scoot across the
water to Alexandra, and you'll find
the Egyptian situation still open"
"Why, what use could they make of
me over there ?" stammered the dis
heartened fellow; ~ amt mummy"
"True" mused the philanthropist,
'but you'd make first class ramrod
for gun of small bore" The boy dis
charged himself.
Electrified Horses.
a great crowd gathered to see the