The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-12-20
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Wednesday, Dec. 20, 1882.
COMIC COMMENTS.


How she lost her arms: The buzz.saw
is no modern invention. Just look at the
Venus of Milo Turner'S Falls Reporter,
in the wild West These hot nights
in Leadville folks are frequently covered
with nothing more than revolver. Den
Der Tribune
Circus jokes The jokes of the circus
clown must be made up of kind words.
For you know, g kind words never die. ~
Yonksrs Statesman.
The book agent as heroine: "Her
Face Was Her Fortune y is the title of
popular novel. She was evidently book
.gent and travelled or her cheek. Narration
Independent.
Banking: Well, old fellow, what are
you doing now?' Nothing but I've a
big scheme on foot. Lots of money in it."
"A-ah What is it ?" "Pm going into a
banking house." "A-ah After dark Pr
From the French
Cause and effect: Eminent provincial
tragedian--" Come hithor, sweet one
Your inothorr tells me that you shed teorrs
during my soliloquy in exile last night"
Sweet one" Yes, sir. Mother kept on
pinching me cause was SO sleepy l''-Lon-
don Punch
Highly intelligent darling: "The rob-
bers can't steal my mammals earrings, 'couse
papa's hidden them" Interested lady Wis
or: lis that SO, dear? Why, where has
he put them, 1 wonder?' tI heard him
say he's put them up the spout, and expects
they will stay there" Anon.
"A good catcher: us that animal a
success ?" inquired neighbor of farmer
who had recently purchased a watch dog.
Well, guess SO; he caught right on the
6rst day." replied the owner, proudly point
ing to a mouthful of pantaloons debris near
the dogs kennel--Nem York Commercial
Adpertiser.
-Simile: Miss Walnut Street, of Phila-
delphia, turns up her nose at Miss Michigan,
Of Chicago, at Cape May because the latter
says the former is 81 stuck up Dear me-
lazily says the Quaker City maiden, "that
Western girls feet are like the hand of prov
dence-they cover everything. n-Ne,e York
Mail and Egpress.
Death of George Washington When
did George Washington die 7" asked an
Austin teacher of large boy. Is he
dead 2" was the astonished reply Why,
II is not more than six months ago that they
were celebrating his birthday, and now he is
dead. It's bad year on children. reck-
on his folks let him eat something that
didn't agree with him - erds Sifyiatgs,
Water privileges: You advertise that
there is fine stream Of wator on the place,
but don't see it." remarked stranger who
wanted to rent the place. The landlord
said: Just work that pump-hnndle lit
tie and you will see fine stream of water.
You don't expect to have the Niagara Falls
on the place for fifteen dollars month, do
you Pr eras SJtings.
From Cincinnati: Three young ladies
sat down in New York restaurant and
called for clam fritters. One of them made
remark which induced a gentleman who
was sitting at an adjoining table to say to
his companion: That's Cincinnati girl"
The remark was: Between the three of
US I'll bet I'll get the clam. "--B,ooklva
Eagk.
Fun at the expense of courtesy: "wha
shall my song be tonight 7" said Miss Tibbs
at the tea table. We are going to have
musicale. think shall try ".within
Mile of Edinboro." Seems to me- said
Jones, the undaunted, 81 would try some
thing l could come within less than q mile
Of" Miss T. says she thinks lieutenant
Jones is horid. Boston Transcript
Under false colors: "wife," said q
New Haven man, impatiently, why do You
let that child run around to-day SO dirty, so
much like little monkey I ran him in
Neighbor Jones' yard just now the worst
looking object | ever saw" tWas he over
there, though Z" was the responded in-
quiry. well, he'll pass for Mr.. Jones'
dirty brat SO long as he is there I'm not
going to worry. '--Ne,o Karen Register
Costly. A certain young man brought
his affianced down from the country to see
the sights. One day while they were pass
ing the confeetioner's the swain noticed in
the window placard bearing the announce.
hAeos. ASo VIVIAN, VI Pef Bai. Weu,
said the young man, as he walked into the
saloon, that's pretty steep price to charge
for one gal; but Maria I'll see you through,
no matter what it costs. Here's a dollar,
waiter; ice cream for this gall The Drum
mer.
Congress water; A stranger dropped
in one morning before breakfast at Wash
ington drug store and called for bottle Of
Congress water. The intelligent clerk
ducked beneath the counter aud promptly
produced bottle of old Monongahela.
The customer tasted it and then, depositing
his glass, remarked "Do you call that
Congress water" That's it, answered
the pill compounder, smiling pleasantly.
Every Congressman who comes in here
drinks 1t" Brooklya Eagle.
THE GROWTH OF OYSTERS.
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