The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-06-08

1t is said that Brooklyn landlord
never smiles except when he can charge
1t to his tenants.
Why are balloons in the air like vaga-
bondsp Because they have no visible
means of support
A good many of the young men of
this city are natural sailors At least
we judge so from the ease with which
they pilot schooners over the bar.
Chesterfield used to say, ..Never W ak
fast; gentleman is never in hurry. ;"
But, then, there were no railroad trains
or horse-cars to catch in his day.
Boiling hair in solution of tea will
darken it, says an exchanges; but some
folks don't like to have their tea dark
ened in that way.
Tutor ia MechdRics-If a body meet a
body Sophomore Tin an undertene,
mechanically through the
rye.
A Philadelphia man fell dead while
running for car. My son, don't run
for a car; it pays better to run for an of
fee.
The safest way to curry mule is not
to begin the operation until you have
etherized him. His natural sleep is
treacherous.
A correspondent wants to know where
the expression ''let up comes from.
We believe it comes from the fellow who
isn't on top in the fight
At ST. Cloud traveller asked at what
times the little steamers left. Every
ten minutes,' was the answer; mon
sieur viii not have to wait more than q
quarter of an hour"
Washington scene: Deep-voiced guz-
zler-s.Hi, waiteri bring me three more
schoonersn' Awe-strack- spectators,
whispering: THAT must be the new
Secretary of the Navy"
One of our best humorous versifers
begins poem thus: :. 4 cannot sing to-
night, love- she silently did say She
must have broken the silence all to
pieces when her words dropped.
A chap who sent us a poem beginning
.'When twilight dews are falling fast
upon the rosy lea,'' has since married
Rosa Lee, and now the weekly dues are
falling faster upon him.
The clergymen of Lampasas supply
the prisoners in Jail with manuscript
sermons TO read during their leisure
hours. The way of the transgressor is
hard, very hard.
The editor who was asked by ''bash-
full subscriber if he could tell him 1.-The
first step toward matrimonyn and replied
''mis-step,n was either a punster or a
horrid old bachelor.
To an enthusiastic angler who plead
ed for just one more bite at fishing
party of which Krauf was tired, the lat
| ter said, but we must draw the line
| somewhere"
A bald-headed professor reproving a
youth for the exercise of his fists: I'VE
| fight with our heads at this college. y
The youth reflected a moment and then
replied. .sAh, l see, and you have butted
all your hair off. -
A fashion item says that ''Titian red
hair is to be the favorite shade during
this season. 1t differs from the poli-ti-
tan red. One Is worn on the nose and
the other on the head. But how a black
haired damsel is going to dye her tress-
es red, is what puzzles us.
A noted physician says many persons.
simply by deep and rapid inhalations of
pure air. can become as intoxicated on
oxygen as if they had taken a draught
of alcoholic stimulants. Here is point
for the man who has been walking rap
idly home from the club in the night
air
s9When came to town." said a rich
broker, Il hadn't a penny of my own.
''And have you now, sirp'' asked quiet
faced man in the far corner of the room.
The broker didn't answer the question.
Perhaps he didn't hear it, Possibly it
was pain in the stomach that drew his
face down so suddenly.
Under the laws of the pilgrim fathers
a man could not kiss his wife on Sun
day, and after n somewhat critical ex-
animation of portraits of wives of those
days, we think the laws were eminently
Just, if not in the main lenient. The
pilgrim fathers should have been fined
for kissing such homely wives, any day
of the week.
Musical definition: A diminished chord
the cord of wood as sold by the I'M
scrupulous coal-dealer. A cross relation
the average mother-in-law. A de-
ceptive cadence-when the eats keep
quiet after you have thrown the boot
jack, only to resume again after you
have closed the window. Oblique move
ment-home from 1.-THE lodge"
Somewhat mixed: A gentleman-who
had spent half the winter at Washington
endeavoring to get % private bill through
congress, returned to the bosom of his
family sadder and wiser man. Short
" after his arrival he was met by q
friend, who greeted him warmly with:
ssGlad to see you back again. How about
your biIlP'' ..BilI-billP'' said the dis
appointed solicitor, confusedly, with
dim recollection of an encounter with
the hotel-keeper, II left it unpaid."
Said George Eliot: Childhood has no
forebodings; but then it is soothed by no
memories of outlived sorrow" You see,
George never had any children, and
didn't know. Where's the boy of 10
who hasn't the memory of OUTLYING the
sorrow caused by the old mans trunk
strap. when he put a wet sponge IN the
old mans boot that squirted water clear
up the old mans legp And hasn't the
boy forebodings when he thinks the old
man suspects him of putting tar on his
hair brush?
The other day a pompous little fellow
at dinner table was Boosting of the
great men with whom he was on inti-
mate terms. He was in constant cores
pondence with Longfellow, had lunched
with Tennyson, was in friendly relations
with the Prince of Wales, and, IN short,
knew everything and everybody. At
length quiet individual at the farther
end of the room broke in on the CONVEX
sation with the question: my dear sir,
did you happen to know the Siamese
twins when they were in this country?
Onr hero, who.evidently had a talent for
l,-;,,er i,,1t M, real Genius at.once replied: