Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1882-01-12
MARK TWAIN ON THE PILGRIMS

The Humorist's Speech =, a.. NJ.
England Society Dinner In phil.
delphia.
Mark Twain attended the h..o.. j..
the New England society Of Penn ms i
vania, at Philadelphia, the other even
ing, and in the course Of a very witt,
speech said:
IL rise to protest. 1 have kent still
for years, but really think thor r. =,
sufficient justification for this so-t .
thing. What do you want to celebrat,
those people forp-those ANCESTOR q
1620-the Mayfower tribe mean
What do you want to celebrate then
for? Your pardon; the gentleman a
my left assures me that Won ara MOI
celebrating the pilgrims themselves
but the landing of the pilgrims al
Plymouth Rock on the 22d Of Decem
Der. So you are celebrating their land
ing. Why, the other pretext was tbir
enough, but this is thinner than ever
the other was tissue, tinfoil. fish blad
der, but this is gold leaf. Celebratino
their landingP What was there re
markable about it. would like &c
know? What can you be thinking of
Why, those pilgrims had been at sea
three or four months. 1t was the very
middle of winter; IL was az cold as
death off Cape Cod, there. why
shouldn't they come ashorep II they
hadn't landed there would be some
reason in celebrating the fact. II
would have been a case of monument
al Observation-Disclosures which the world
would not willingly let die.
people always progress. You are
better than your fathers and grand
fathers were this is the first time !
have ever aimed a measuTeless Islander
at the departed. for 1 consider such
things improper). Yes, those among
you who have not been in the peni-
Tertiary, II such there be, are better
than your fathers and grandfathers
were; but is that any sufficient reason
for getting up annual dinners and cele-
bratiDg youp No, by no means-by
no means. Well, repeat, those pill.
grims were a hard lot. They took
good care of themselves, but they abol.
ished everybody else's ancestors. 1 am
a border ruflian from the banner state
Of Missouri; 1 am a Connecticut Yam
kee by adoption. In me you have Mis-
souri, morals, Connecticut culture; this
gentlemen, is the combination which
makes the perfect man. But where
are my ancestorsp Whom shall cele
bratep Where shall find the raw
material? My first American an
cestOr, gentlemen, was an Indian
an early Indian; your ances
tors skinned him alive, and 1 am an
orphan. Not one drop of my blood
flows in that Indians veins to-day.
stand here lone and forlorn, without an
ancestor. They skinned him. 1 do moi
object to that if they needed his fur
But alive, gentlemen, alivel And be
fore company. That is what rankles
Think how he must have felt; for hi
was sensitive person and easily EN-
barrassed. IL he had been a bird il
would have been all right, and no VIC
lence done to his feelings, because ht
would have been considered "dre ssed ;
but he was not bird, gentlemen, HI
was man, and probably ore of the
most undressed men that ever was.
ask you to put yourselves in his place
/ ask 1t rs favor; l ask 1t as tardy
act of justice; ask it in the interest
Of fidelity to the traditions of your an
II hnN NIa
template, with vision unobstructed By
Disgusting swallow-tails and white era
watts, the spectacle which the true New
England society ought to present
Cease to come to these annual orgie:
in this hollow modern mockery-thi.
surplus-age of raiment; come in char
acter, come in the summer grace, come
in the unadorned simplicity, come IL
the free and joyous costume which
your sainted ancestors provided foi
mine.
Now, listen to me. Why do you
wish to perpetuate these societiesP
want you to stop right here and dis
band. Begin by selling Plymouth rocl
at auction. In the great wealth Of
rocks in New England this particular
rock would bring perhaps thirty-fiv'
cents. If.you don't sell it throw Il
open to the patent medicine man. d.
something to make a start. On thi!
table see water and milk anC
even the deadly lemonade. You arr
on the downward path. In few years
you will surely reach cider. Paus,
while it is not too late. But still
have as high an opinion Of you anC
your ancestry as can under the cir
cumstances. My grandfather used t.
say that 1t would be hard to improve
on the good old Plymouth rock-unles:
the person were bOrn.in Missouri.