The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1882-12-01
WHY WE LAUGH.

WI WE LAOSE1.
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The poorest borrower can always return
thanks.-N. Y. Ners.
Definition Of soldier Of fortune-A sol.
der whe has n0ne.-Frenc6 Paper.
The man who scissors of coupons Is the
genuine revenue cutter.-Burlingto Hapk-
eye.
The Popular Science Monthly asks:
"What are crowds?" The science Of love
says the third party is large crowd.-Ne,c
HassH Register.
The Detroit Free Press says the best way
to catch grizzly bear 10 to let him lick salt
from your hand while second party slips
around and ties his hind legs to . tree.
An attorney, ON being called to account
for having acted unprofessionally In taking
less than the usual fees from bis client, plead
cd that he had taken oil the man had. He
was thereupon honorably acquitted.
Jokes about the poverty Of nswspapermen
funny any mere, because the people have
found out that they are not true. Look at
James Gordon Bennett, and Robert Bonner,
and Jay Gould, and-and the rest Of u.s.
Philo. Ne,cs.
The Mark Tapley Of the Republican party
In New York lives At Elmira, and the morn
ing sfter election he telegraphed the State
Committee: ave have beaten the Prohibi-
tionists aud Greenbacksrs out Of sight, and
are only about two hundred thousand be-
hind the Democrats"
A Boston editor bounced the cook, cuffed
two children, left his wife In tears, and made
bee-line for the Office and wrote: 'If you
want to make the world brighter aud better,
begin by being kind and loving to those in
the small circle Of your own family, aud
from that - center, work cut as far as you
aSe permitted H. go."-Tree Press.
Conversation overheard in the street cars
the other day: Edith -''Are my shoes
crocheted?" Mother--"Certsilly not, my
dear" Edith-"They are black, amt
they?" Mother-"Yes, that Is undoubtedly
true" Edith (triumphantly)-"We then,
isut that crow shsde?" Silence OIL the part
Of the stern relatlve.-Boston Courier.
"Widder Jenkins" said an Ohio farmer as
he hustled into her house one morning, "I'm
. man. Of business, Pm worth $4,000, and
want you for wife. I give you three min
utes In ahich to answer" II don't want
ten seconds old mani" she replied, as she
shook out the dish cloth: "pm q woman Of
business, worth $4,000, and wouldn't marry
you u you were the last man OH earth. l
give you minute and half to GIT" Aud
he got.-Wau Street Ne,cs.
"You mustn't touch the top of the baby's
head" said . mether to her little four year
old; '.she has . soft spot there that 10 very
tender" The ysungster gazsd at 1t curious
ly for . moment, and then asked: ado all
babies have soft spots on their heads?" "Y Yes."
"Did papa have soft spot on the top of his
head when he was bab,a" eyes," replied
the mother with sigh, sand he has got 1t
yet." And the old man who had heard the
from al adjoining room, sang
out: ayes, indeed he has. my dear boy, or
he would be single manto day."-Roehester
Post Express.
"What other business do you follow be-
sides preaching?" was asked Of an old COL
ored man.
81 speculates . little"
"How speculate?"
"Sells chickens"
"Where do you get the chickens?''
my boys fetch 'em in."
"Whsrs do they get them?"
VIII my preachin' dat amt got time to AZ.
. 'vival came on an TUX up all my time."-
Arkansas Trareler.
Bill Nye, In the Boomerang gives newly
married couple the following send of: ave
have met both Mr.. and Mrs. Wilkins and
know they are calculated to be very happy
through life. Nothing short Of measles In
the family or refractory stovepipe could
bring cloud across their horizon. Horizon
10 word We always use when people get
married. We have used 1t till the hinges are
little loose, but 1t 10 still good word. Mr..
wilkins, though residing in Logan, Utah,
has promised his wife across his heart that
he will abstain from polygamy and shun It as
hs would blue-eyed bot irritable bull dog,
snd I'd. will stay by bis promise, no matter
how hard the elders Of Zion may 60 for him
70 rake him In - brand from the burning.
We feel just - confident that he will eyade
pelygamy during the coming years ~ though
We could look down through the cool and
shady, frog infested vistas Of the glorious
flowing bowl. Keep on taking the Boomer
ang and shun polygamy Is you would the
impetuous hornet"
"What am gooder dan goodness?" asked
Brother Gardner as he opened the meeting.
at am not only more comfortable TO be
good, but dar am mo- money in IL In dc end.
When cashier robs . bank Of $4,000 it
looks - II he was. gettin' ahead powerful
fast; but sich am not de case. De fust detec-
tive who cotches him gifts IS 900 for not ober.
takin' him. Den he loses $1,000 In playin'
kesrds wild . Chicago gambler. Den he am
robbed OF 5000 In Omaha boardi house.
Den he invests sc, 900 In mines aroun' Den
ycr an am scooped outer cherry shillin'.
Long bout dat time be am rested by de
bank, aud what de lawyers doan' git will be
returned to de vaults What has dat cashier
gained? It's de same wild gambler. He
may win $500 tonight and lose 500 to.mor-
rer night. One day he may sport . gold
watch widtwo chains-de next he may have TO
pawn his coat for . brandy smash. has
hsgcred 1t up dozen times ober, an 1t allus
comes out de Same way. De bad man may
have eighty per cent. on his capital fura few
short years, but the FIRST thing he knows de
skeleton ham Of bankruptcy clutches him by
de frost, an whar am he? Be good. Be
good, chen. II you don't make ober TO- per
cent. At 1t. Outside Of all dc money con-
dar am Q feelin' down under de
rest dat beats . diamond ring oil to pieces"
Detroit Free Press.
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