News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-12-21
WIT AND WISDOM.
The board o. trust teas-the grocer's

slate.
RUsKIN asks "What is more beauti-
full than the word wife ?" :. The wife her
self.
"WHAT would we do" exclaims a con-
templative exchange, "were it not for
solitude? ?" Why, we'd go with the
crowd, of course.
A MAN who holds his opera glass in
both hands with his elbows sticking out
on both sides, is preferable to lady
with big hat at the theatre. You can
kick the man.
A WOMAN who thought she had
used arsenic instead of baking powder
in her biscuit solved the question by
feeding two tramps. The world is not
without sensible women.
The grasshopper has, according to its
size, 120 times the kicking power of a L
average man. 1t must be exciting times
for the young grasshoppers which go
courting and find the old man at home I
Boston Post.
"MY LORD, said DIR. PaTr to Erskine,
whose conversation had delighted him.
'should you die first I mean to write
your epitaph." CDR. Parr," was the re-
ply, sit is temptation to commit sui
eide"
"How should turkeylbe dressed ?"
A turkey, in order to be well dressed,
should first be wholly undressed. The
fewer feathers turkey has when it
comes on the table the more angelic it
viii appear.
EARTH has nothing softer than q
woman's heart" pathetically exclaims
the editor of the Lowell Citizen, and
then, getting right down to business
pathos, quietly adds: Unless, perhaps,
it be tomato in the prime of life."
WHY is it that young man and
Young woman will sit for hours and
hours together in parlor withoutsaying
word: and then, when it is time for
him to leave, stand an hour talking
earnestly on the front stoopsin the still
pneumonia air ?-Patck.
A SWELL New Yorker has a curious
finger-ring with the ten commandments
engraved ON it in such small characters
that they can only be read with the aid
of a microscope. People who know him
well are of the opinion that he has lost
the microscope. Philadelphia Nea0s.
If tagging brother falls behind
And drops from the toiling band,
If fear and doubt put his soul to rOut
Then lend him helping hand;
Cheer up his heart with words Of hope,
Nor season the speech with gall;
In the great highway, on the busiest day,
There's room enough for all.
The company here has been greatly
amused blythe story of recently made
Judge, who, while he was yet at the bar,
enjoyed the reputation of late man
about town. When he was made judge
he blurted out: "Confound it ALL Where
can I tell my wife go to of an EVENING"?
LADY sPEoU1AToR--You want to know
what is meant by "clearances" in the oil
business. 1t is simply this: When
man persists in going long at the top and
short at the bottom he gets out of money
in the course of time, and then clears out
10 some unknown quarter. This Is a
clearance. city Blizzard.
''SEE HERE" said fault-fnding hus-
oand, ''we must have things arranged In
his house so that we shall know where
is kept" "With all my
leart," sweetly answered his wife, "and
ct us begin with your late hours, my
owe. 1 should dearly love to know
where they are kept"
A BAD tempered Judge was annoyed
by an old gentleman who had a very bad
cough, and after repeatedly desiring the
crier to keep the court quiet, at length
angrily told the offending gentleman he
would fine him ten dollars if he did not
cease coughing, when he was met with
the reply: "I will give your honor
twenty dollars if you will stop it for
me.
Two RIVAL bellies at an evening party
were seated in the conservatory with
their respective cavaliers enjoying their
supper. The gas was turned down some
what. as it should be in a conservatory
at an evening party. "My dear Julia"
said one of the fascinating creatures,
90 how beautiful your complexion is-in
this dim light !" "Oh, thank you"
responded her rival, "and how lovely
you look in the dark !"
A LITTLE boy, in calling attention to
his first pair of new boots would draw up
his pantaloons and display the whole of
his boots then walk up and down the
room, with eyes now upon the shining
leather, and now upon friend of his
father who was present; but it was
bootless effort. At length, however, he
succeeded. Sitting in front of both, he
exclaimed Father, amt three times
two six?" ''Yes, my son." ''Wel,
then," said he, pointing to each of their
ieet. '.if three times two is six, there's
lust six boots in this room"
ONE day, little school-mate of my
son, Willie, was at my home, and the
two got to disputing about the number
If days in a week. Willie persisted that
here were seven, and his little opponent
,toutly maintained that there were only
,ix. "Well," said Willie, "you say
hem over, and L will count" So the
lays were named and counted, from
Monday to Saturday, inclusive; and then
here was a pause, which Willie broke
oy saying: "And Sunday" "Ho !!
said his diminutive opponent, with look
If supreme contempt; "that belongs to
ne other week p
Some Controversies.