The National tribune., 1882-07-29
WIT AND HUMORu


and both had sought the aid of art to give
theiB fading hair darker shade "That is
going to be an affectionate couple" said
wag. Glow 500" "They are both dying
for each other already"
"But, you know, pa" said the farmers
daughter, when he spoke to her about the
address of his neighbours son, you know,
pa, that ma wants me to marry a man of
| culture" so do I, my dear-so do l, and
there's no better culture in the country than
agriculture"
"If had million dollars" said young
Brown, :" would" ''NO, you wouldn't
interrupted Jeems, you'd be bigger fool
than you are now" Jeems was rather rude,
but he told the truth.
Aminidabs pet dog bit him the other day.
He says he had no idea the dog would be
the puppy-traitor of such an act.
"What did you say the conductors name
WASP" "Glass-1Ir Glass" 90, no."
But it is" "Impossible-it can't be-"
"And why not, pray" Because, sir, Glass
is a non conductor"
1t was an ONO man who, when terrible
storm set in one night, rushed into the house
of q neighbor and cried out: Jones, this is
the ending up of EARTH" I'm afraid so
I'm afraid :" was the reply" And what
shall we do?" Make our peace with
Heaven!" The wind blew still stronger,
the house began to shake, and the excited
man exclaimed: Jones, you lost five bushels
OF wheat last fall" "Yes" And you have
your suspicious II have. The man who
took my wheat had better own up" Can
you forgive him ?" Il can" "Weu"-
Here the wind suddenly dropped, and after
look through the window the conscience
stricken man turned and finished: Yes, if
ever 1 meet him I'll advise him to call
around"
If cheerful heart is q continual feast,
there must be a large number ofpeOple who
do not get square meal once a year.
80 you would not take me to be twenty?"
said young lady to her partner while dane
ing polka one evening. What would you
take me for, them" For better, for worse"
replied he, and he was accepted.
A eminent scientist says that when lady
cannot sit down without her nose becoming
red it shows that there is imperfect circu-
lation of the blood, caused by tight Iacing
Same with gentlemen. A red nose is a sure
sign of tightness somewhere.
An Irishman wanting to buy stove was
looking over stock in store The dealer,
in praising a certain stove, said: IF you
buy one of these stoves you will save half
the coal you would otherwise use" Faith"
said Pat, then I'd better take two stoves
and save all the coal"
A gentleman of Albany, recently married
a lady repUted to be rich, who turned out to
be poor and some 500 in debt, which
he had to iquidate. She assured him, how
ever, for his consolation, that the debts were
contracted for dress, which she bought to
captivate him.
4 gentleman travelling in railroad car
rage was endeavOring with considerable
earnestness to impress some argument upon
q fellow-passenger who was seated opposite
to him, and who appeared rather dull of
comprehension. At length, being slightly
irritated, he exclaimed, in a louder tone:
why, sir it's as plain as A c." THAT
may be-" replied the other, with alacrity,
"but am d E f."
maria" said lady in New York to her
colored chambermaid, that is the third
silk dress you have worn since you came to
me pray how many do you own?' Only
seven. miss but Is savin' my wages to buy
anoder.n Seven What use are seven silk
dresses to you? Why, L don't own so many
as That" aspects not, miss" said the snil-
ing darkey; you doesn't need 'em so
much as do. You see, 'mong you white
folks everybody is quality, but We better
most kind of collud pussons has 10 dress
smart to 'stinguish ourselves from common
niggers."
A young lady who has distinguished her
self at the Cambridge local examination had
just been relating some astounding astrO-
nomical facts and figures. Said her cousin,
who never went in for that sort of thing,
you know" Il see how one can find out
how large and how far away the stars are;
but, by Jove, don't quite see how they ever
found out their names ~
A mercenary little boy overheard con-
versation by his parents concerning we'd
ding that was soon to come Oft, and recalled
the subject at the breakfast-table the next
by asking the following question:
Papa, what do they want to give the bride
away for? Can't they sell herr"
witty nobleman once asked clerical
gentleman at the bottom of the table why
the goose, when there was one, was always
placed next to the parsOn. Really, my
ord" said the clergyman, your question is
somewhat difficult to answer and so remark
IDLY odd, that VOW L shall never see a goose
again without being reminded of your lord
,bipU