News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-06-22
WIT AND WISDOM.

WINNIE Sny6 OAab ou1J Ou0 WOmau III
five pays her dressmaking bill without
being dunned.
GUTENBERG invented printing, but
who is the genius who will rise up and
invent a proof-readsr - burlington
Ha10keNe.
The Cincinnati Enquirer thinks that
buying dog and shooting him is a bet
ter investment for money than putting
it in mining stocks.
No NEWSPAPER that prints stolen mat
ter can enjoy healthy and prosperous
existence, although it may suffer along
like man attempting to sleep with cold
feet.
In view of the results of the Arctic
exploration, we are forced to believe
that the North Pole is one of those
things that no fellow eau find out
Detroit Free Press.
AN English bishop querulously re-
marked to his servant that he was
dying. "WelI, my lord, said the good
fellow, "you are going to better
place. "John," replied the prelate,
with en- air Of conviction, "there's no
place like old England ?"
SENATOR Mcpherson, of Ottawa, has
written book on etiquette to be OBJ
served by officers and members of the
Senate. One of the rules is that no
Senator shall call another liar without
first attracting his attention with an
inkstand or paper weight.-Quiz.
ToNsoR1AL ITEM: The Scranton Re-
publican relates that as Wilkesbarre
man took his seat in the BARRIERS chair
he asked the barber if he had the same
razor he had used two days before.
Being answered affirm atively, the pa
tient man said, "Then give me ohloro-
form. - '----------'---
"WELL, school inspector of Boston
was visiting certain seminary in New
England, and after desc cribing to his
young audience a little boy whom he
once knew as possessing every possible
juvenile virtue-suchas as never being late
for school, never blotting his copy
book, never telling story, or omitting
an exerc1ae-he concluded by asking
the children, in sol mn tones: And
where do you think he is now?' With
one acclaim the little boys cried out
In heaven, sir + With somewhat dis
concerted visage the schoolmaster re-
piled No, no; no exactly in heaven;
but he is keeping store in Boston
THE NEWER ARITHMETIC.
How many are $18 less the S. you
lent congressman's son to help him
pay his fare to Iowa?
How do you obtain an abstract num-
Der? Answer Hire strange boy to
take dozen of oranges to your house.
BoUGBT horse IA years old for $65
and sold him to an editor for $l20 as a
6.year old stopper. How much did
make?
How do you obtain concrete num-
Der? Mix one part Akron cement with
two parts of sand and spread. Detroit
Free Press.
IFAman buys box of strawberries
with the bottom showed up halfway to
the top for twenty five cents, how many
can he buy for 80?
How many peck peach baskets, each
holding six quarts, will be required to
seven bushels of peaches, each bushel
of which is short four quarts?
A CERTAIN city has population of
42O, 600. The census man can't find but
231. $50. What is the difference, and
where did the remainder hide during
the census taking
A MAN DAYS thirty cents for three
pounds Of evaporated apples and gets
S14 newspaper puff for sending them
to an orphan asylum. Does he gain or
lose, and how much?
JUIIA has beaux and Emily has 8,
while the old maid next door has none.
How many beaux in all, and how many
would be left if they should give the old
maid half the crowd?
IF IT takes eighteen men to do the
bossine and four men to do the lifting
when a street car horse falls down, how
many bosses and lifters will it take to
put i've horses on their feet?
If six men who talk politics and dis
pute on Biblical questions can build
wall in five days, how long will it take
two men who whistle and firt with the
widow en- the corner to do the same
work?
A. HAS an overcoat for which he
paid $18, and his wife trades it off for
two red-clay busts of Andrew Jackson
worth thirty cents each. How much
money will she get from her husband to
buy fall bonnet? I?