The Hickman courier. [volume] (Hickman, Ky.) 1859-current, 1882-06-16
Teaching a Calf to Drink.

Those who have had mournful ex-
perience. know that there is nothing more
irving to the soul than the operation of
teaching a young calf to drink. The
process is familiar to every man who has
brought up a calf from infancy. You
seize pail of warm milk, go into the
stable, catch the calf by the ears, back
him into a corner and bestride his neck.
The idiot rather likes this, and while
YOU are reaching for the pail, he en-
ploys his time in soldering the lower
corners of your jacket. You discover
what the blockhead is about and box his
ears. You can't help it. You feel that
way and let him have it. But the calf
can't tell for the life of him why he has
been struck, and he gives a sudden and
unexpected "fiounce." He believes he
will 90 over and stay ON the other side of
the stable. but he doesn't announce this
beforehand. He starts on the impulse
of the moment and you can't tell just
when he arrives there. You ride along
with him little way. But the laws OF
gravitation are always about the same.
Your legs-one on each side of the crit
ter-keep up with the calf for about
second, but your body doesn't. You
slide over the calf, and your back kisses
the floor. Your head IS soaking IN the
pail of milk When you get up you are
mad-uncommonly so Milk runs from
your hair and imprecations out OF your,
mouth. There is buttermilk IN your
eve. and YOU solemnly declare you will.
learn that calf to drink or break his.
BANKED neck. The calf doesn't know of.
this resolve, and he glares at you IN
stupid fright from across the stable. He
is not aware that he was the cause OF
your downfall, and wonders ignorantly
what In thunder is the matter. You
don't try to explain it to him, but furl-
ously catch him by the ears, look back
over your shoulder at the milk pail, and
back up toward it, dragging the calf after
Won. who bawls out in a manner which
seems TO say. Is this the way you treat
n fellow-creature q You again back INTO
the corner. sling your left leg over him
and once more try to get his head IN
chancerv. The calf attempts little
more funny business and plun9es sud
denly forward. You are on the lookout
for breakers this time, and having n firm
hold on his ears, you mutter through
your c}enched jaws, - No you don I,
/ honev." But he does, though. and you
I "cross the continent y together by the
4 "rapid transit line You hadn't IN
/ tended to 90, but that is where you and
( the calf didn't see 1t alike. lou take MS
7 view OF it a few moments later. You
astride off the calls neck and tanning
the fingers of one hand intOsfts mouth,
YOU place the other on the@back of his
head and above his nose into the pail
for drink, fully resolved to strangle him,
if he don't drink. The calf holds per
fectly still-ominously so-and there Is
+ silence in heaven for the space of half a
minute, at the end of which time the
blockhead, who hasn't drank drop, sud
denly makes a splurge, knocks the pail
to kingdom come" milk and all you
are again reduced to horizontal from a
perpendicular, and when you rise the
excitement is intense. You have been
soaked with milk, "slobbered on, and
hurt and abused the worst way. Not a
drop OF milk has gone down the internal
brute's neck and there he stands glaring
ut you, ready to furnish you another free
ride anywhere you want to go. With M
+ affidavit you bang him over the head
with the empty pail and hobhle ont o
the pen. mad aud hurt all through, fully
resolved to let your forufooted foo
Starye.