The National tribune., 1882-05-06

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yer wanted fast one, and you'll never see
is legs wen e gifts a-rottin'!'
Lady-Iodger-" Your dog, sir, is unbeara-
bic. lie howls all night" Male-lodger-
Indeed! Wen, he might do worse than
that; he might play the piano ali day"
livery man is fond Of striking the nail on
the head; but when it happens to be the
fngey-naiI his enthusiasm becomes wild and
incoherent
A Chicago editor remarks: oscar Wilde
gets $500 q night for being an ass, while we
remain poor!"
What kind of field is older than you areP
One that is pasturage.
Best expressed on tombstones- SEN
timents.
Prisoner, how did you have the audacity
to break into this mans house at midnight
and rob him?" Prisoner (piteously)- =" But,
your Honor, the last time I was before you
you wanted to know how could have the
audacity to rob man on the highway at high
noon; when do you want me to get in my
work?D
"Now, what age are you, my dear friend?"
addressing his remarks to Mile. ", who GER
tainly can no longer be considered in her first
youth. "What q question, indeed" said
the lady; how can that possibly interest
yOu?" Simply curiosity" responded the
visitor. We'll, then, Will be frank with
you. Really do not know. One counts
ones money, ones jewels, and ones deeds of
value, because it may happen that they could
be lost or stolen, but as l am absolutely GER
tain that nobody will take year from my
age, and that 1 shall never lose one, why,
where is the need of counting?"
Music teacher" On, yes, Miss Clotilda
likes playing tunes well enough, but she
shudders at the very mention of the scalesl"
Retired cheesemongers wife Qoftily)-"I
should hope so, indeed; you'll bear in mind,
sir, that we have nothing to do with business
now"
Everything is as regular as clockwork
ing the splendors of his new residence to
some of his friends. "Yes," said Fogg, "it
is tick, tick, all the time-I suppose"
A Hartford man went to lawyer for adj
vice. After receiving the retaining fee the
lawyer said: State your case" "Well,
sir" replied the client, "a man told me to go
to h, and want your advice" The at
tOrney took down a volume of the Connecti-
cut statutes and, after turning over a few
leaves, answered: "Don't you do it. The
law doesn't compel you"
An old darkey was endeavoring to explain
his unfortunate condition. "You see," re-
marked he, "it was in dis way, as far can
remember. Fust, my fadder died, den my
mudder married agin and den my mudder
died, and den my fadder married agin; and
somehow I doesn't seem to have no parents
at all, nor no home, no muffin"
The latest joke about King Kalakaua of
the Sandwich Islands, is that he cannot help
being a good man. The reason assigned is
that his ancestors ate SO much missionary in
their time that it worked into their system
and was transmitted to their descendants.
Missionaries who are eaten are after all not
wasted, it would appear.
Mother" remarked Duluth girl, "I
think Harry must be going to propose to
me-" why so, my daughter?" queried the
old lady, laying down her spectacles, while
her face beamed like the moon in its four
teenth night well, he asked me this
evening ii wasn't tired of living with such
a menagerie as you and dad!"
An old gentleman, finding a couple Of
his nieces fencing with broomsticls, said:
Come, come my dears, that kind of accom-
plishment viii not help you to get husbands"
" l know il, uncle" responded one of the girls
as she gave = lunge; but it will help rs to
keep our husbands in order when We have
'em"
Ask no woman her age. Never joke with
q policeman. Do not play chess with
widow. Never contradict man that slut
ters. Re civil 10 rich uneles and aunts.
Take your oldest hat for an evening party.
Always sit next the carver, if you can, at
dinner.
a certain gentleman recently lost his wife,
and a young miss OF six years who came to
her funeral said TO his daughter of about the
same age: Your papa viii marry again,
won't he?" On, yes was the reply, but
not till after the funeral"
ella, IS your father at home?" said
bashful lover to ais sweetheart. 81 want to
propose something to him." "No Clarence,
papa is not at home, but 1 am. Couldn't
you propose to me just as well?" And he
did, with perfect success.
A gentleman who took to medicine late in
life said to a friend: "You know the old
proverb-at forty man must be fool or
physician" Yes" was the reply, "but,
Doctor, don't you think he can be both?"
The Chilian bite proves to be much worse
than the Peruvian bark.
A strapping negro woman was up before
an Austin justice, charged with unmerci-
fully beating her boy, a saddle colored
imp. 81 don't understand how you can
have the heart to treat your own child so
cruelty" said the court. "Jedge, has you
ever been parent of a wuffless yaller boy
like dat ar cub of mine?" Never" replied
the Judge with great vehemence, getting red
in the face. "Den, don't talk"
Do you pretend TO have as good a iudg-
ment as | have?" exclaimed an enraged