Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-04-08
"Am Life Worth Livin'

Detroit free Press.

"Wbat | desire TO say" began
Brother Gardner, as the meeting
opened, IAN to de effect dat Prot.
Artichoke Higgins am in de aunty-
room an ready to appear betO' It's
an deliber his celebrated lectur' ON
sam Life Wurtn Livin' Fur p De
professor am resident OF Arkansas
in which state he has won sebpn sill
yer medals for maxim the longest
jump on record. He arrovr heah
from Chicago las night on "A mixed
train. paid boy two shiihs to show
him de way to my house and 50 fur
as | caG judge from his talk. an dp
way he combs bis hair, de man am
scholar an gem Ian. Sir Isaac
WalpOlr, you and Giveadam Jones
will put on your white kids, blue
neckties an swallOw-tail-cOats an
escort Professor Higgins inter de
hall "
The brothers mentioned retired to
the dressing room and dOnnpd their
state apparel, aud after the lapse of
a few minutes they appeared IN the
hall with the professor between
them. Al he mounted The platform
and was received by Brother Gard
ner, he appeared TO be man about
five feet ten inches high, prominent
nose, retiring chin, eyes about the
color of boiler iron and dressed in
faultless taste. After slipping a
troucbe into his mouth, he bowed
impressively and commenced.
my friends, it pleases me exceed
ingly to behold such vast STA OF in
tellectual faces befo' me. (Sensa-
tion.l | kin almost imagine myself !
lookin' down the aisleS of the Seua' e
chamber of the United States. tSen
sation again. De question, Am
Life Wurth Livin' Fur ?" has often
been axed, an believe dat several
parties besides me have put de same
question from de rostrum. Cheers
by Samuel Shin who had no idea
what the word rostrum meant But
/ claim To be the only pusson IN dis
kentry who takes de negativ' side OBJ
dis momenchus inquiry. In de fust
place we am BON. De fust year OBJ
our life am spent in cryln' wild pain
and sorrow. We see ghosts. We
hab bad dreams. We am seized by
de collie. Our froats am tunnels
down which dey pour soothing syrup
paregoric, sweet milk and what not,
an we wish We were dead (Sobs by
Pickles Smith who lately lost his
grandfather What con- ort does
any boy or gal take up To de age of
Is Vars ? Not a bit. De boys git
licked an de gals git Spanked, an
dey fall down stairs, have de chicken.
pox, GIT boxed VIVID de mumps an
have to war clothes which have
been cut ober an dyed. Sensation
by Giveadam Jones as he recalls old
Tecollectlons.
From de alge of Is to 90" contin-
ued the orator, after pulling down
his vest; life am full of love and
jealousy an bad fttin' coats, an
gwine To funerals, an stayin' home
from circusses. Jist as a young man
gifts to thinkin' dat he am happy, he
dlskivers dat his sleeve buttons am
Is seconds behind de style, or dat
his bu Is am "a hundredth part of
an inch too long or dat his coat
wrinkles in de back. (Groans from
Trustee Pullback, when he remem-
bered dat he was learning the barber
trade in Richmond
From 20 TO 80 we git mar'd,n con-
tinued the professor as sad smile
crossed his face. We love an cort
and hire libery rigs an buy candy,
an marry. What am de result
lGroans from all over the hall We
have to pay house rent, AN buy wood
an go to meetln', and get trusted
for grostrles, an put up wild kicks
an cuffs an howln' babies an
hull doah yard full of miseries.
lLong drawn signs from "a mem
bers.)
Den we grow old an we take
snuff an smoke clay-pipes am spit
on DE- carpet an jaw de chin'en and
finally die. Tears from Waydown
Btbee.) OATS life and it's eand.
Whar's de comfort =? What hab we
foun' wurth Twin for ? How much
better if we had been trees or lence
posts or picket fences Life am
made struggle. (Sighs.) We come
up like sunflower all am cut down
(Faint groans.) To-day we NAV
win de big turkey at de raffie-to-
morrow We may have to pawn our
Obercoat to keep the stove gwine.
Significant winks and mods.
My friends, thanking you fur your
airnest an inexplicable attention
an trustin' dat my feeble remarks
will be productive of oberwhelmin'
profit. l return my heartfelt sym
pathies and resoOm my seat"
DIR. Pierce's "Pellets," or sugar
coated pranulpS-tha original ii il