The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-05-06
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

pardon, madam" said he, as he stepped on
lady's foot; pray take it for hand Squeeze"
"Bob Ingersol," says the Courier.Journal
seems to forget that all alarms of fire are no
false"
In German University; Tutor steps into TIT
lecture hall and eXclalms excuse me, gentle
men; the Herr Professor cannot lecture today
he is dead"
"Men who join clubs find the dues to pay there
and the deuce to pay at home" sadly remarks
the Boston Post.
'Lend me an "" said jim to Joe;
al can't, jim, for this reason:
have no cash; besides, you know
This amt the Lent ten season."
Fremont went Republican. AS Daniel Web
ster once remarked, 4 amt dead yet "-Rodd
Commissioner Hays.
The oyster does not belong to the human race
There are seasons when he keeps his mouth
shut
"a very curious thing has come to pass" said
the ticket agent when the double-headed woman
went in free.
The ghost of Jesse James must have come
back to earth. Another train robbery has taken
place in the southwest.
Differs says the young lady on his street plays
the piano with a good deal of feelng-round
after the right keys.
How may burglars be kept out of any house ?
BY leaving the valuables out at night on the
front door steps.-N Y. GrGphjc
DR.. Mary Walker has been arrested for tamper-
leg with the mails Mary claims it was mis-
take. We thought at first II might be senator
or a congressman
An Ohio man has been starck with lightning
nine times and isn't dead yet You have to take
Office away from Ohio man TO kill him.
Brooklyn man advertises powder TO "cure
cats and dogs of somnambulism." 1t is used in
a gun.
An Urbana girl has named her deserving lover
COnkling, because he voluntarily went back on
sure thing
The man who is to hang Guiteau is an Ohio
man. There it is again. Ohio gets everything
that has any fun in It,
Fogg says he was never regularly baptised,
but he went to church where there was sprink-
ling of sinners in the congregation, and he was
one OF them
"Only smile that was given to me" inspires
rhymster in the New York Ns,cS to write three
verses. What he would have done II he had
taken another drink can only be conJectured
The Cambride police arrested man who, they
said, kept cockpit and toughened birds for the
ring; but he produced evidence which clearly
proved that he was only raising chickens for
Cambridge boarding house keepers. He will die
in affluence.-Hdryam Lahapoon.
An innocent couple at Wabash, Ind, went
TO the postmaster to be married. The official
was innocent, too, thought he had authority In |
the premises, and performed the ceremony all in |
good faith. The next day came enlightenment
and confusion.
The young women Of Nevada City, Cal, amuse
the town --lIiir using themselves. Twenty |
-four OF them formed company, in mockery of |
the young mems military organization, and pa.
reded in uniform OF red calico, with brooms for
guns. Their last parade was to escort bride
20 the railroad station.
Il is now the sparrows futter
In the gutter,
And the house.mad very utter
scrubs the shutter. Puck.
Now the good housekeeper rips up the house.
hold goods, throws em into the back yard ties
handkerchief around her head, climbs step lad.
der, washes paint and raises the old boy general.
ly, and imagines that she il Cleaning house."
when she is merely working herself to death
out OF respect to spring customs.-NeD HdUen
Register
When stockings with digts the fashion become,
Twill put young lady in idgets,
Who puts on her boots and finds that she's put
Two toes into one of the digits.
-lSomeruiilc Journal.
Our Continent proposes that the prosy Compress
siondl Record be occasionally varied with rhym.
ing paraphrases OF the honorable members
Notwithstanding, for instance, like this:
Then uprose Smith, of Florida, the best of the
debaters,
And spoke about his measure for protecting al
gators;
He showed how tourists shoot at them without
regard for reason
And asked to have 1t made crime to kill them
out Of season.
Then Brown he moved amendment by inserting
brief clause
Compelling alligators not to operate the jaws
But Smith he up and said of him who thought
the subject eomical,
That Nature, when she gave him sense, had been
too economical.
And Brown, responding briefly, wished to say in
this connection,
That smith in guarding reptiles was seeking
sef-protection.
Then Smith he flung volume of the Message
and Reports,
And Brown was laid upon the floor good deal
out Of sorts
Chewing is bad habit Poughkeepsie man
says So He was writing to friend and put
piecs Of paper in his mouth and began chewing
II, splitting out the morses from time to time in |
the spittoon. When he came to put in the IS
which he intended sending in his letter. he found
it chewed into pieces in the spittoon.
resident Of New York encountered at an ear |
ly hour the other morning an Indian armed with |
tomahawk and having his warpaint on But
the brave citizen did not hesitate to grapple with
the "Tammany man" and downed him. The In
dian Tas getting the worst of 1t when police
man coming along arrested the white, and let