Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-04-17


Colored bellies refuse to wear bangs
They say you can't pull the wool over
their eyes.
A ''three-year-old discovered the neigh
bors hens in her yard scratching. In a
most indignant manner she reported to
her mother that Mr. Smiths hens were
"wiping their feet on our grass"
care you twins?" asked young lady
in charge of small scholars in Lewiston,
Of an attractive pair Of children who were
Of the same size and resembled each other
very much. ''No; we're Scotch" they
replied together
The man who sells four quarts to gal
Ion is the best product of the Christian
religion extant, and will walk boldly
through the gate of Paradise while the
man who prays at the street corner is
trying in vain to pick the lock.
A sporting man passing by house OBJ
served on the door the separate names of
physician and surgeon, and facetiously
lCuldIhCu tuuC UllC CllCulllSOduCC puo Iihl
in mind of double-barrelled gun-for if
one missed, the other was sure to kill.
"Ah," said an Englishman the other
| day, 81 belong to a country upon which
| the sun never SETS" s'And l." said a
| Yankee, "belong to a country Of which
there can be no correct map-it grows so
fast that surveyors can't keep up with it. y
A very old lady on her death-bed, in the
| penitential mood, said: ''I have been a
great sinner more than eighty years and
| didn't know it, An old colored woman,
| who had lived with her a long time, ex-
claimed: Claws, | knowed it all de time. >
Musical definitions A diminished chord
| the cord of wood as sold by the unscru-
| pulous wood dealer. A cross relation
the average mother-in-law. A deceptive
cadence-when the cats keep quiet after
you have thrown the bootjack, only to re
sumo again after you have closed the
window.
Mr.. Justice Hayes, as is well known
was wit. On the trial of cause o
"Woodcock against Bird before Lore
Chief Justice Jervis of Warwick, th'
Chief Justice having remarked that it wa!
a pity that two ''birds'' should not live il
harmony, Hayes replied: eyes, it is, m.
Lord; but my client complains of tn
length of the plaintiffs bill"
''Do you mean to call me a liar?" aske'
one railroad man of another railroad mai
during dispute on business they had Of
Austin avenue last week. s'No, Colonel
don't mean to call you liar. On tn
contrary, l say you are the only man il
town who tells the truth all the time, bu
I'm offering a reward of twenty-five do
lars and chrome to any other man VIII
will say he believes me when 1 say 20
never lie," was the response. ''Well II
glad you took it back" replied the othe
party, as they shook.
That was pleasant way in which
newly settled Methodist minister disarme
the criticism of the people in the congrt
CATION to which he had been sent. II
stead of getting angry about it or con
planning that they had hurt his feelings
he remarked from the pulpit II he's
that you sayI am not much of a preacher
we'll, / know it, and l know that if
could preach first rate 1 wouldn't hay
been sent here to preach to such lot
ignoramuses as YOU" The church foil
were struck with a new sense of the fl
ness of things as regulated by the admi
able machinery of Methodlsm for adap
ing means to ends.
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MEDICINl
SO exclaims patient, Rev. j. S. Fe
perman of Statesville, North Carolin
Writing June I'd, 1880, he says: 'sIn t
providence of God l owe my present sta
of health to your Oxygen. | was near t
gate of the grave, and, as | believe, clio
to the great portals of eternal life, VIII
/ commenced taking what l now consid
, the greatest of all healing agents, Col
pound Oxygen. / can not refrain fro
saying, Wonderful, wonderful, wondt
ful medicine! Physicians and friend h
believed that could not live any leng
of time, and / am here yet, with my lar
family of children, and able to walk frt
three to four miles every morning. l C
not speak in terms too high of your rem
, dy.' Our Treaties on Compound Oxygt
containing large reports of cases and +
information, sent free. Drs. Starkey
Palen, 1109 and I'LL Girard St.. Philad
phia, Pa.