The Portland daily press., 1882-07-22
R. j. Burdette.I
A Chapter on Secret Societies

On the edge of the oil country is Olean. 1t
doesn't produce, but it stores and reines, and
it manufactures the pleasant little pyrotechnic
commonly called nitro-glycerine Full of power
is Olean. And it has a secret society on every
corner. For town of its size, it wears more
regalia than any other town in America, The
upper windows are vocal with initials, and it
has been fairly vaccinated for A. o. U. WIS,
and has broken out with S. KS of the same,
and it has an eruption of e. O. NJ. A., which
suppose means ''every other Monday after
noon," because it meets every other Wednes-
day; and there are I. O. O. Els, an E. A. US,
especially eau de vie, and F. and A. Ms, and
A. o. F.'s, and K. of S. FPS, and R. r. of T.
which is probably the R-iginal R-iental T. COM
pany; lodge and league and legion, chapter.
council, post conclave and commandery--Olea
has 'em all.
Solomon invented the Free-Masons, didn't
hep, asked the Jester, who isn't very we'll
posted on these things. HE did," replied the
fat passenger, proudly, who is one of the way
ups, and wears three kinds of pins and watch
seal, that nobody can read, with Sunday, Mon
day, Tuesday, Wednesday and all the rest of
did," said the fat passenger, as he bent thirty
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. look upon the man
on the wood box, who is only Mystic Nail
Eater of Jericho, and only dates the origin of
his order back to the days of Belzebub.
Solomon the Jester remarked, musingly,
twas wise man, and extremely numerou
father, and an extravagantly diffusive husband
He had more wives, of full rank and brevet,
than there are women in Olean. And have
no doubt he was a good, exemplary Mason.
Only, wonder, if he had been content with
one wife, if he would have invented lodge
night? Now, out in Burlington, where L live,"
the Jester went on, hastily breaking in on the
fat passengers attempt to say something,
twas a woman, neighbor Of mine, whose hus-
band belonged to more lodges, and societies,
and fraternities, and leagues, and orders, and
unions, and clubs, and rites, and teams and
things than the two of them conld count in
week. Why, this man used to take some of
his meals at home. And he went to bed in re-
gala. Plain, but regalia. And from force OF
habit he used to call his wife "worshipful mis-
tress' and he addressed his children as Junior
Wardens,' and Chief Tough Mogues'and Most
Worthy Bashi Bazouks' and other wicked and
pagan titles. The mans children grew to re-
gard the entire system OF secret societies OF the
vague idea that they were in some close degree
blood relations Of Solomon, and they told their
Sunday school teacher that their grandmother
worked on the Tower of Babel, and they al
ways spoke of Hiram Abiff as Uncle Hiram
They believed that Great Heart was post
commander of the Grand Army of the Republic
And this man used to go down and pound the
boiler, and hold one corner of the blanket, and
grease the pole, and help eat the pitch, nights
when there was candidate to be assassinated;
l. .,,op sr,f> dnoy rznf Nn,d
Templar meetings, and fermented himself into
beer vat at Druid picnics, and ate himself
into achron1c indigestion at Odd Eel
lows suppers, and sat up nights with sick
Grand Army comrades, and visited Masonic
widows and comforted Knights of Pythias Or
phans, female-sixteen years and upwards
and he danced himself into paralysis, and got
his eyes BACKED at all sorts of balls, and had
good busy time of it, and was considered CAPT
tai fellow because he had to write IS. .. +. w.
and B. B. G. E.; and E. o. d. If, and W. I.
p d. after his name every time he wrote let
ter or registered at a hotel
"Well, one day there were several things GO
ing ON all at once in our town. There was
grand convocation of Knights Templars-and
public installation of Hope lodge, No. 8277, 1.
o. o. F., and Druid picnic, and Hibernian
Benevolent Society ball, and fraternity SYM
postum, and Grand Army parade and camp
fire, and special M. W. of the S. K. of A. o.
U. W. Legion sos, AND. two or three bazaars,
a masked parade of the I. o. Ms, and fire.
tournament and fight, and choral union re-
hearsal, and choir meeting and squabble, and
a base ball match and a regatta, and a croquet
quarrel, and in the effort to attend all of them
in full regalia the man overdid himself, came
home all tired out, told his wife he didn't be-
lieve he felt very well himself, and went
straight to bed.
"His family never saw the man again for six
weeks. And the days were made busy and the
nights were made noisy By all manner of COM
mittees, wearing all manner OF badges, coming
to inquire after the sick man, and to sit up with
him. and bringing him all manner of comfort
ing things-gruel, and jellies, and water ices,
and terrapn soup, and peanuts, and ice cream,
and cake, and pie, and waternelons, and
tracts, and flat TASKS, and new stories, aud
sandwiches, and egg-nog, and cigars, and coh-
nundrums, and jokes on the boys, and all sorts
of doctors-homeopath allopaths, water
cures, Swedish movement cures, eclectics new
school, old school, regulars, guerrillas, lnjun
doctors, faith doctors, kneaders, slappers, and
healers.
"And the man got well! he had to-" the Jes-
ter added, noticing the expression of incredulity
that settled upon the countenance OF the pas
sengers; "there were too many OF him to Ole at
once. While they were wrestling with one
of him the rest of him would get the bulge on
him, and so he pulled through. And when he
was quite we'll and all there, they had grand
union picnic for his benefit, TO which all the So
cieties to which he belonged were invited. The
family naturally rejoiced at this, and supposed
they would get front seats all the way, as they
were closely connected with the circus. In
stead of this, however, they were treated to
surprise. The procession organized with the
man himself and three eminent brethren OF
vastly superior degrees, in the f1rst carriage.
Then came a brass band. Then came more
carriages, containing eminent brethren from
visiting lodges, every man with enough initials
after his name to stock a railroad; the Y. L. y.
u, r. f. L. Y, and the r. S. L. U. V. X, and
@. q. & G. A. l.. l.. o., and the L. .. NJ, and
the G.. A. L., and the j. U. g., under the seat.
Then came whole procession OF chaplalns,
lodge chaplains. on foot, swearing at the dust.
And away off, two and half miles away from
the band came the family in the middle of the
street, hoofng it.
"When they finally got out to the picnic
grounds, the members of the mans domestic
household were again pleasantly surprised,
being stopped at the gate by an outside sentinel
who dubbed them off to the right. There they
found an inside guard, who promptly chased
them off to the left. Then they run into boy
seven years old, with white hair and red neck
tie, carving clothes prop and bearing in his
own official person the enormous and overbear'
ing title of Royal and Thrice Puissant Knight
of the Mighty Arm and Potent Keeper OF the
Way And when they got away from an tnat
alive, they were finally 'shooed' away and Waiv-
ed off down the road and told to get out OF there
and keep away or they'd get into trouble, by
little old man with bow legs, hare lip, wars
on his nose, bald head and green goggles,
who the affrighted and awe-stricken intruders
afterward learned was his Most Goodness Grac-
ious Nibs, the Four or Five Times Renowned
and Most Awfully Magnificent and Resplend-
emit Fly up-the-C Creek to the Muldoon." A Sc
cret society is sweet boon, but man has to
be kind of careful that it doesn't grow on
him.
The Real Worship of Juggernaut.
rrroearss Nooa,;paI