The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1882-01-01
MARK TWAIN ON TaR PILGRIMS,
The Humorist's Speech at the New h"siAna
Society Dinner I'm PhiladelPhis

Society Dinner In PhiladeiPhiS'
Mark Twain attended the banquet oil the
New England Society of Pennsylvania at
Philadelphia last evening, and in the course
of very witty speech, said;
81 rise to protest. | have kept sun Tor
years, but really think there IS no suih'
cient justification for this sort OF thlng'
What do you want TO celebrate those people
for3-those ancestors of yours, OF lo-V-the
Naytlower tribe | mean. What DO you
want TO celebrate them for? Your paruoni
the gentleman at my left assures me that
you are not celebrating the Pilgrims tlem-
selves, but the landing of the Fllgrlhs at
Plymouth Rock on the I'D OF Decem-
Der. So you are celebrating their land
ing. Why, the other preteXt was thln
enough, but this is thinner than ever; the
other was tissue, tiniSil, tish-olad9er, but
this is gold-leaf Celebrating their land
ingl What was there remarkable about 1t,
would like to know? What can you be
thinking OF? Why, those Pilgrims had
been at sea three or four months. IL was
the very middle of winter it was as cold US
death OH Cape Cod, there. Why shouldn't
they come ashore? If they handn't land
ed, there would be some reason IN celebrat.
ing the. fact. 1t would have been case OF
monumental NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. winch tho
world would not willingly LEI die.
People always progress You are better
than your fathers and grandfathers were
(this is the first time have ever aimed a
measureless SANDER at the departed, for |
consider such things improper Yes,
those among you who have not been IN the
penitentiary, if such there be. are better
than your fathers and grandtathers were;
but is that any sufficient reason Tor getting
up annual dinhers and celebrating, you
No, by no means-by no means, Well, l
repeat, those Pilgrims were Il hard lot.
They took good care of themselves, but
they abolished everybody else's am
cestors. | am border ruflian from
the banner State of Missouri;
am Connecticut Yankee by adop-
ton. In me you have Missouri morals,
Connecticut culture; this, gentlemen, is
the combination which makes the perfect
man. But where are my ancestors Where
shall | find the raw material My first
American ancestor, gentlemen, was an In
dian, an early Indian; your ancestors
skinned him alive, and ! am an orphan.
Not one drop of my blood flows in that In
dams veins to-day. | stand here lone and
iforlorn, without an ancestor. They skinned
him. | donot object to that, if they needed
his fur. But alive, gentlemen, alive |!
They skinned him alive! And before
company That is what rankles. Think
how he must have felt; for he was a
sensitive person and easily embarrassed
If he had been a bird it would have been
all right, and no violence done to his feel
ings, because he would have been consid-
cred dressed, but he was not bird, gen.
tlemen; he was a man, and probably one
of the most undressed men that ever was.
l ask you to put yourselves in his place. l
ask 1t as favor ask it a. a tardy act of
justice; l ask it in the interest of fidelity to
the traditions of your ancestors; | ask that
the world may contemplate, with vision I'M
obstructed by Disgusting swallow-tails and
white cravats, the spectacle which the New
England society ought to present. Cease
to come to these annual orgies in this hol-
low modern mockery-thi, surplusage of
raiment; come in thi. character, come in
the summer grace, come in the unadorned
simplicity, come in the free and Joyous cos
tune which your sainted ancestors provi-
ded for me.
Now, listen to me. Why do you wish to
perpetuate these societies? want you to
stop right here and disband. Begin by sell
ing Plymouth rock at auction. In the great
wealth of rocks in New England this
particular rock would bring perhaps
tnlrlN-HVe CENTS. III you uOn sell 1t throw
it open to the patent medicine men. Do
something to make a start. On this table |
see water, milk, and even the deadly lemon
ade. You are on the downward path. In
q few years you will surely reach cider.
Pause while it is not too late. But still
have as high an opinion of you and your
ancestry us can under the circumstances.
Ny grandfather used to say that it would
be hard to improve on the good old Ply
mouth stock-sunless the person were born
in Missouri Exchange