The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-02-15
WIT AND WISDOM.

What five letters form sentence for for
givenesse Ixqqu.
A dollar in the hand is worth two dollars
on the subscription book.
True merit is like river--the deeper it is
the less noise it makes.
| Spring freshets are like some cashiers they
knock spots out of the banks.
a Dutchman repeated the adage, Birds
nit one fodder 60 NIT themselves
It's easy for the hotel clerk to keep warm.
He's always hanging over the register.
/ "I'll give you ten dollars or thirty days
s.Well. I'll take the ten dollars, squire
Celery is said to be good for nervousness.
Salary Of five thousand year is sure cure.
Never despise man who wears paper shirt
front; he may have no mother to support him.
The young man who boosted he could marry
please any.
| "The world is all fleeing show" we say,
but somehow we all want to see the show
little longer.
/
slow man was that he was too slow to get
out of his own way.
know whore the dark goes when morn
ing comes, )" said little Clare 'sItgoes down
cellar; It's dark there all day."
Mr.. Fogg said to his wife. 81 will come
right back" The wife gently responded
"See that you come back right"
DR.. Holland wrote There's song in
the air." Investigation would have shown
him that the air was in the song.
An aesthetic poet, on being asked on his
arrival at Brighton ON what train he had ar
rived, replied. BY the two-two.'
The cure for gossip is culture. Good-natured
people often talk about their neighbors because
they have nothing else to talk about.
Senator Edmonds is engaged in writing up
the Mormons. If the Government would take
to righting them a little, it would be good
job.
The facetious postage-stamp clerk who told
man that asked for tive twos that this was
not an aesthetic post office, is now looking for
a new situation.
Counsel for the prisoner: +" Did you see the
prisoner at the bar knock down the deceased -
Pat; No, yer honor he was alive when I
SEQ him knocked down"
There ara prospects of the appointment of
Chinaman on the Philadelphia police force
A Chinaman can "sleepee topside doorstep
alice samee Mclean man.
/ 10 atI hot a1,a Ia.
mer who keeps his legs in motion. If you
can keep kicking longer than the shark can
keep waiting, you are all right.
"Well, Pat, you didn't come to the two
o'clock train to get me- as told you.' In
dade, did, sorr; but got there too late for
that thrain, so waited for the next one"
DR.. Day advertises the loss of his dog.
Brown hopes he will succeed in finding him
for, If every dog has his day - he does not
see why every Day should not have his dog
Our torpedo service is said to be 20 good
that no nation will dare to attack us. Thank
fortune, in case of war, we can run our navy
into the Erie canal and defend 1t with tor
pedoes.
Georgia -four years old, at the tea table,
Mamma, may l have some sardines 20
Mamma: Wait till I'm ready George"
George (surprised) Why, ma, it's me as
wants 'em +"
Old Mrs. Higgins hasn't lost any confidence
in the bank where she keeps her money. She
says the bank has teller, and II anything
was going wrong he'd be sure to tell it to her
in time.
When Brown complained of rush of blood
to the head, Fogg endeavored to ease his
mind by reminding him that nature abhors
vacuum, and Browns blood rushed to his
head worse than ever.
Bad boys who stone railway trains should
be made an example of. The first thing we
know one of them may throw stone at the
United States Navy, and then what will be-
come Of the nationp
An eccentric minister was called upon to
marry three couples at once. The parties
were standing around promscuously, await
ing the arrival of the minister, and then when
he came in he marched up to them, excam-
ing, " Sort yourselves!"
The merits of certain diplomatst being
on the tapis, Washington Irving said, in allu-
sion to his pomposity, "Ah, he is great
man and, in his own estimation, a very
great mana man Of great weight. When
he goes to the West the East tips up.'
A railroad man met with a painful accident
the other evening. He had just empted one
schooner of beer, and was In the act of reach
ing for another, when his wife appeared I'M
expectedy upon the scene. He was caught
between the bumpers with the usual result
The ton plaques of newspaper Office are
bores poets, cranks, rats, cockroaohes, typo
graphical errors, exchange fends, book can
vassers, delinquent subscribers, and the man
who always knows how to run the paper bet
ter than the editor does himself.--Neo York
Commercial.
A little fsllpw who was reading an account