The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1882-01-18

perience in idiocy at home that ! could
make aiortune Is an expert sputtered Nj.
spoopendyke. u tell You they are oil In.
telligent men. They make up their minds
and swear 10 their opinions, according TO
law. When the revised statutes at large
provide for me as an expert, as they pro.
videfor idiots, lunatics, habitual drunkards,
and married women, I'll 60 into the bust.
ness" and Mr.. spoopendyke winked at
himself triumphantly, as he thought over
the last shot.
"Well," reioiued AIp. spoopendyke,
bridllng Indignantly, "ii the revised stat.
utes provide In that way they ought 10 be
shut up. They've no business ut large. ]
don'tknow that these experts were legal
lied. ] supposed they Just went there to
help their friends along"
+" No they don't, either" retorted Mr..
Spoopendyke. "rhey go toswear whether
the man Is insane or not"
tBut what do they want to drown him
forY argued Mrs Spoopendyke. "There
they were all talking at once and getting
along pleasantly, when all Of q sudden Mr..
Porkhill and Colonel Corker and Mr. Say.
age threw Mr., Guiteau into the dock"
"Drown your grandmother's hind legW
howled Mr., spoopendyke, "What dye
think law dock ISL Got notion its o
measly pond with green scum on top OF
it2 'Spose it's a two inch mud puddle with
q fence around It, and o Congressional up.
preparation to make 1t navigable? It's a
pen, ! tell ye, rallied off pen in the court
room where they put prisoners Guiteau
bothered the experts so they had to put
him in the pen. Think you understand IL
now"
"ofcourse, assented Mrs. spoopendyke,
shut why don't they put Mr.. Scoville and
Mr.. Reed there, too? They are trying to
bother the experts Just as much as Guiteau
did. They won't let the poor men alone.n
"Don'tyo know the difference between
a lawyer and criminal?" ripped Mr..
SpoQpendyke, "or is that too fine q dis.
tinction for you? Reed md scoyille are de-
Tending Guiteau. Porter, Corkhill anu Da.
yidge arc prosecuting him. OF course his
lawyer will cross.examine the witnesses
against him. But it's no use to explain
anything to you
~ understand that much, +" returned Mrs
Spoopendyke, "but | don't understand
what Judge Cox means by pitching into
the lawyers and overriding their questions.
The first he knows the experts will swear
that he is an asymmetrical. and then he'll
be put in the dock with Guitean, where Il
will go hard with him. tell you, Judge
can't be too careful how he behaves" and
Mrs. Spoopendyke pinned the baby's skirts
around its legs and smoothed out its dress.
"NOw." yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke, una.
BILE for an instant to throw his feelings into
any coherent form OF speech, "Yon'vC
struck i'll You're whole barrel Of canned
Judiciary! All you want now Is red label
on your back and some marginal notes Ia
be dodgasted awlibrary! II you'd change
assistants once month and win four cases
during one term Of Office, you'd only need
three deodands and plug hat to be dis.
trict attorney! You've got the idea. There's
nothing more to be said on either side
Give you q black pettlcoat with sleeves
tot tand wart on your nose and you'd only
want restaurant in the basement and i
lounge up stairs to be United States Su
preme Court What dye think Judge il
for? A substitute? Think he sits around
to ease the prisoner, turn and turn about
Got some kind Of an idea that he is a dod
gasted work on etiquette with mottled
leaves and yellow binding and Tommy
from Fanny on the fly? tell you he pre-.
sides! And anybody but hali-witted
woman. who didn't think with her heels
and reason with the rat holes next dool
wouldn't need to be told Of it moro times
than she makes measly idiot Of herself
III he presides, 1t Is all right" reioined
Mrs. Spoopendyke, with q sigh Of relief
"but | got the idea that he went there to
feel the public sentiment, and then say
these were his views and as he WIS only
helping the prosecution to see the error o.
Guiteau's ways before his conduct was
snapped up and used against him"
MIR. SpOopendyke drew off his clothing
solemnly, fired the pieces into different
corners, and waded into bed with the stern
reflection that some people only need
side whiskers and note book full Of lee.
lures on repealed statutes 10 be q modern
law school,"
81 don't care" muttercd Mrs spoopen.
dyke. II like those experts, and wish
my husband would go into the business.
They may not hang Mr.. Guiteau, but they'll
find the jury insane, and Mr.. Porter will
have to look up some other kind OF a Job,
for this trial can't last forever"
With which satisfactory solution OF the
national complication, Mrs. Spoopendyke
undresSed the baby. dropping the pins
where Mr.. Spoopendyke would be sure to
md them the moment he stepped out oil
| the bed in thn mnrninc