The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1882-03-03
WHY WE LAUGH.
An Irish doctor declares that for invalids
the only safe climate in Europe is North
Africa

An Irish doctor declares that for invalids
the only safe climate in Europe is North
Africa.
Embroidered mustard plasters are now
recognized as necessary feature of esthetic
medication.
A sable citizen made bet that he could
eat fifty watermelons in fifty hours. He
stalled on the thirty-seventh. They inscrib-
ed ON his coffin " "Aet 81"
An Indiana evangelist asks: "Can
Democrat get to heayen?" We hasten to
say he can-if he has the handling of the
returns.--Boston Transcript.
When two women are talking together it
is safe to predict that they are saying evil of
| third; when two men, that they are saying
something good of themselves.
Shakespeare modernized: The good die
young. The bad live to lie about the wealth
er, and are spoken of as the oldest inhabi-
tants.-Nea, Orleans Picayune.
There is a story told of fine old Cornish
Squire who only drank brandy on two oc-
| casions-when he had goose for dinner and
| when he had not.-Ne,o York Post.
At the opera in Dublin a gentleman sar-
castically asked man standing up in front
of him If he was aware he was Opaque. The
other denied the allegation, and said he was
O'Brien.
A London paper says that the Duke of
| Marlborough's collection of china is CON-
plete and uninJured. Mrs. Marlborough evil
IDENTIFY did her own work.-Philadelphid
| Bulletin.
81 have divided my subject" began the
| parson, "into two heads" 1.-TWO heads
with but single thought" whispered Fogg
to Mrs. f., and then he closed his eyes for
his usual nap.--Boston Transcript.
"Gy shimminy, how dot poy studies
grammar" was the remark of German
when his son called him "knock-kneed,
pigeon-toed, seyen-sided, glazed-eyed SON.
of-a-saw-horse.-Cambridge Tribune.
A gentleman of Ottawa gave an order for
silver-mounted claret jug to Montreal
dealer, instructing him to send it by express
marked G. 0. d. A couple of days ago the
jug arrived, engraved in beautiful large let
ters &C. o. D."-Qmz.
In her advertisement the lady principal of
a school mentioned her lady assistant and
the "reputation for teaching which she
bears" "; but the printer left ont "which,"
l ha oJv lea, ortI I;rrx
the lady's "reputation for teaching she
bears"
| The evildoer is sure to meet bis fate at
last. This is like the Irishman. who covered
himself up with the sheets to escape the
mosquitoes, but who exclaimed when light
ning-bug entered the room, &" There's no use;
here is one of 'em come wild lantern. It's
all over wild me, sure"
Some years ago Methodist clergyman Of
Washington, man of blunt and outspoken
temperament, announced as his text, "An
He looked over the congregation a moment
and then sJacuiaceu win impressive fervor,
"But God Almighty hasn't had job in this
city for fifty years."
We remember once recording the fact tina
little boy said that soda water tastes like
your foot's asleep; but now comes lad who
says that Weiss beer is thawed sandpaper.
This reminds us of Yankee on the Pacific
Ocean who for the first time got mouthful
of Chile peppers. When the tears dropped
he gasped, " For the love of heaven, no more
needles and pins on toast."-The Judge.
When Farmer Bulge read that cow
painted by Rosa Bonheur sold for 5000 he
remarked to his wife that he didn't see how
coat of paint could so greatly enhance the
value of the animal, but ii Rosa wouldn',
charge him more than ten dollars he would
get her to paint his bull in the spring. And
his economical wife replied that she thought
he might paint it himself and save his ten
dollars. The indications are now that the
bull will be painted.-San Francisco Post
Moribund husband Ito aesthetic wife)
! "Well, Jennie, the doctor says must soor
J leave you. Do not grieve; have provided
handsomely for you in my will. You will
keep my memory green, won't you, my
love?" Esthetic wife (sobbing): "Dear
est, will ; and will see that your grave II
+ kept green, also, but (reaectively) not ont
J of those horrid bright colors; nice olive
gray green, with an old-gold tombstone, will
look too awfully lovely for anything"
Senator Lapham, of New York, was re
ported by some joking correspondent to hay,
appointed DR.. Mary Walker clerk of his com
mittee. During the last three days Mr.. Lap
!. hams mail has consisted Of hundreds of lei
ters protesting against the alleged appoint
ment. The most bitter letters came iron
leaders of the woman-suffrage movement
! Mr.. Lapham, who never thought of commit
9 ting suicide In the way ascribed to him b
the practical joker, is much annoyed, bu
Q there is no reason to suspect that he conten
plates designation.
: A certain Circuit Judge was always sur
of meeting some cutting or sneering remar
: from self-conceited lawyer when ne cam
: to certain town In his rounds. This wa
! repeated one day at dinner, when gentle
!, man present said: Judge, why don't yo
squelch that fellow" The Judge, droI
: ping his knife and fork and placing his chi
! upon his hands and his elbows on the tabl
|. remarked: "Up in our town widow woma
: has q yaller dog that, whenever the moo
! ! shines, goes out upon the stoop and barl
and barks away at 1t all night" Stoppir
: short, he quietly resumed eating. Aft
:, waiting some time 1t was asked: "Wel
: Judge, what Of the dog and the moon
= /" Oh, the moon kept right on he said.-
Troy Times.
The Dog and the Glove.