The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1882-09-15
WIT AND HUMOR.

OF getting the cents out of the meeting.
| Men should learn humility. A light
ming bug has six legs, man only two.
The man who was thirteen days on a
bicycle has just bought out pantaloons
factory.
People learn wisdom by experience.
A man never wakes up his second baby
to see it laugh.
Taking things as they come is not so
very distressing. 1t is parting with
them as they go that cuts one to the
| soul.
Eternal fitness was never more ap-
propriately dove-tailed in than in the
euphonious name of the German pianist,
| Hammeritt.
''We 60 in for the old flag" remark
| ed the property-owner who was ordered
to lay new sidewalk along the front of
his lot.
| GLOW did you like the lecturer?' 81
didn't like him at all. He gave us a
perfect Niagara of words and only q riv-
ulet of IDEAS
What is the difference between freight
and cargo. A hOrse-car conductor saws
the passengers make the freight, and the
horse makes the car 60.
Meant she cried, my husband is
the meanest wretch in the world. He
won't give me the least excuse for COM
planning.
"H'mr' calculated Fogg. $50 they
say this play is taken from lifeP should
say rather that the life is taken from
the play"
In horse-car-"Campbell. my dear
fellow. don't show good breeding to-
ward the ladies or people will think you
came from the country"
"Is it injurious to eat before going to
sleep?" asks correspondent Why no,
not fatally injurious; but you just try
eating after you go to sleep if you want
to see circus.
''See, mammar' exclaimed a little
child. rs puss, with arching spine and
elevated rudder, strutted around the
table, "see, kitty's eaten SO much she
can't shut her tail DOWN.
You do not deal death-blow to the
Darwinian theory by saying, "Man de-
scended from the monkey, but what did
the monkey descend from?' The mon
key descended from the tree.
Mother, what have people got noses
for?" asked an Austin child of her moth
err, who had seen better days. ITO turn
up at poor folks, my child" was the
cynical response.
81 understand that your courtship
with Charley is at an end" "Yes," said
she; Charley pressed his suit until it
became threadbare, and then 1 gave him
the sack"
A Kentucky lover, who swore by the
great horn spoon that he'd like to die for
his girl, stood on the river bank and
saw another chap pull her from the wa
ter. aAd never even offered him Is cents
reward.
The thing now for city girls rusticat-
ing in the country is to white miniature
lay-ricks out of white wood and send
them to their admirers in town. This
probably signifies Come and make hay
while the sun Shines"
Things one would wished to have ex-
pressed differently: Musical maiden:
81 hope am not boring you, playing so
much?' Enamored youth-"Oh. no!
Pray 60 on! I'D SO much sooner hear
you play than talkr'
George, what lovely color for q re-
ception Dress" said Mrs. Jones to her
husband, viewing the electric light on
Niagara Falls from the balcony of the
Clifton house. "Yes," said Mr.. Jones,
''and what bath for Jumbo"
a nice judge, when asked why he had
allowed totally unnecessary female
witness to take the stand and testify, |
said: Il knew that 1t was not necessary,
but saw that she had new bonnet and
was striving to show it."
> Charles Lamb was once asked by a
cheesc-monger if he should send home |
fine ripe Stilton cheese for him. mo,
th-th-thank you," said, Charles. IF
you will give me q bit of Irvine cou-
cou-could, perhaps, ll-l-lead it home"
Arkansas newspaper joker published
an item to the effect that the best look
ing girls in the town chewed gum on
the streets. Before the paper had been |
out an hour every girl in the town was |
to be seen on the streets chewing gum.
The philosopher who discovered that
an obedience to the golden rule was the |
cause of the negro's fondness for the |
whitewashing business may, perhaps, be |
able to tell why the Chinese laundry
man invariably has red sign with
white letters.
Two years ago man in Georgia kill
ed his wife, He fled. and has not yet |
been captured. In his stead two men
have been arrested at different points in
the state, Each one had, as did the
murderer, a scar on his forehead, three
on his face and an inflexible big toe.
81 am ashamed of the effeminacy of |
my SEX" said female orator. .Look
atyourfripperies and superfuities! Why,
for instance, do you need parasols, when
! never used oneP" And pet mink an
swered: because you are on the shady |
side of life."
A new Mrs. Malaprop: In q suburban
town lives relative of the immortal |
Mrs Malaprop. The other evening a |
caller asked if Mr,--was at home and |
could he seen. II think not" was the |
reply. II believe my husband-has ex-
pired for the night"
An old citizen in country village, on
havinga subscription-list handed to him
toward purchasing new hearse for the
place, thus excused himself: II paid $5 !
for new hearse forty years ago, and |
me and my folks hain't had the benefit |
of it yet"
at is q long STEP" says S. G. w.
Benjamin in the Century, in rapt admir- |
alton of Mr.. Benefits steam yacht, |
''from the MaytlOwer to the Namouna."
1t is, and it is also--although Mr.. Ben |
jamin fails to mention the fact-a long
step from a pilgrim father to james
Gordon Bennett.
"Why is Mrs. Brown putting on so
lnany airs of latep" asked Mrs. Jones
of Mrs, Smith. Haven't you heard of |
their windfallP" rejoined Mr.. Smith.
"NO. what is itp" said Mrs. JONES'
"Why, Mr.. Browns uncle in the coun-
try has just died and left him forty BUSH
els of potatoes"
"Oh, mine gracious, mudderr' ex-
claims Miss Rosegarten at Long Branch,
there comes AdOlph Minzenheimer; I'm |
sure he will ask me to ride him in his |
toy card" 'Vell, you please declines
NIT yourself" angrily says Mrs, Rose
garten, for mine daughters doan'd ride
mid tog cards ven dere ish horses and
carriages aboud."
Sullivan the pugilist has been pitch
ing for nine of Boston swine clerks"
Benny Greehe another pugilist took part
in the game. As pitcher the knock
er OUT was not great success as the
balls he delivered were so often knocked
out and knocked out so far that his nine