The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-12-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

sary.
''Azure distemper'' is the Boston
name for the ''blues." But ''ultrama.
rine lycanthropy'' would be more cor
rect term.
"Why is young man like kerne
of cornP" asked young lady. "Be.
cause" said another, ''he turns white
when he pops"
Bright child-"I know what they cal
'em mamma, when there's three twins
Mamma-''What, Katy?" Bright child
-"Giblets."
The moralist says: every man is
occasionally what he ought to be per-
petually." Then, again, some men are
perpetually what they ought to be only
occasionally.
Madame Patti keeps house with thir-
ty-five servants. Distressed American
housewives whose lives are worn out
with one will sympathize profusely with
poor Patti.
Leigh Hunt says: 'The most fasci-
mating women are those that can most
enrich the everyday moments of exist.
ence." That was Leigh's way of indi
eating a girl worth S150,000 in her own
right.
In neighhoring Sunday-school, a
few weeks ago, the question was asked,
what has Jesus done for you?" One
little four-year-old raised her hand
'FWell, what is it?" said the teacher. Il
know what he's done for Bertha; he's
sent little baby brother to her house,
and it's real cunning"
"Oh, yes," said Mns. Brown, as she
surveyed with evident pleasure the little
parlor side-board, covered with old Chi
ma and decorated with highly-colored
tiles, ''Mr. B. remarked last night that
was becoming quite an atheist" and
the old lady's eyes rested on a 16-cent
Japanese teapot.
.'Yes,'' said the gilded youth of his
friend, ''Jack has passion for propos'
ing to girls. Why, I've known of his
proposing to six girls in a week, not one
of whom he'd marry for a farm
Doesn't he run terrible risk Of being
accepted by somebody he doesn't
wantP" Not bit. He isn't worth 3
dollar!''
A S-year-old boy, who was about leav,
ing home with his mother to be absent
several months was asked by his father
What would you do, my son, if
should die while you are awayP" The
little fellow burst into torrent of tears,
and, between his sobs, said, "Whv, pa
pa, would ask God to make you ovel
again.
Here we are, within quarter of a
mile of landn' was the joyful cry of the
captain of an oceau-steamer, to his
grumbling passengers. "Wherep Which
way is it?'' Anywhere down there -
said the captain, pointing downward
''the lead gives us two hundred and
twenty fathoms of water, aud the land
comes slap up against the brine.''
An aged peasant learns that the vii.
lage doctor, to whom he had advanced
some small sums, has just passed away,
leaving nothing but debts. ''Therer'
says he to his wife, with a delighted
chuckle, ''if l hadn't had the good luck
to have had that fit of inflammatory
rheumatism two months ago, where
would my money beP'
A young gentleman who was pledged
to take young lady to party remark
ed to her, on the afternoon previous tc
the event, that he was going home t.
take a sleep, in order to be fresh
That's right" she replied; ''but do moi
sleep too long" "WhyP" he asked
because" she answered, Il do not
want you to be too fresh"
"Well, uncle Mose' said Reverence
Baxter, 81 expect your poor wife must
be nearly worn out taking care of you
while you were sick. If ever there was
a woman that deserved heaven, it il
Your wife. She am de desarvenist wo
man in Austin" ''Yes," said Nose,
''dats fac, and has been prayin' tt
de Lord to glib her what she desarves
right off,"
.. "Well, my little fellow, suppose you
expect to be good and useful man
some day." said a benevolent old gentle
man as he patted the head of young
ster. ''Naw, don't. Pm goin' ter be
a hard ticket. l am; dad says so. Give
US light Oh, you don't smoke, you
old blizzard" Benevolent old gentle
man drops around the corner, terribly
shocked at the wickedness of the rising
generation.
A man is going about the streets of
Laramie claiming to be John the Bap-
tist. He has light hair and chin whisk-
ers, is stout built, and looks like farm
er. We desire (says Bill Nye) to warn
those of our readers who may be in
clined to trust him that he is not what
he purports to be. We have taken great
pains to look the matter up and find as
result of our research that John the
Baptist is dead.
Lauric's mother was teaching him to
add, ard held up two fingers. He count
ed. Now" said she, ''here are three
more. How many does that make?"-
The little fellow did not quite under
stand. "Why, Laurie" said she, ''it
you had two apples, and should give
you three more, what would you have?"
Looking up with his great, speaking
eyes, he said, ''Why, mamma, / would
have the stomach ache"
"And you love me, JaredP" That's
about the size of it, Mary" Fortune
has not smiled upon you-you are poorP''
'Richin your love; poor only in purse :"
'Yet all hope is not lost. Father is
president of a bank. He will give you
a situation" Then am yours, etern-
ally. We shall be married in three
months. Iu six months the bank will
be in the hands OF a receiver. We shall
seek a home beyond the St. Lawrence
where the old man can live with us un-
der the name of Smith" 80, Jaredr
20, Maryr'
''Do You mix anything with your can
dies?" he asked, as he laid his money
down and picked up the package OF
gum drops. "Well-ahem-a little
glucose, perhaps" Anything elsep"
"Perhaps little clay" ANY chalkP"
"Only a very little-not enough to
speak Of" 'It's of no interest to ME,
you know" continued the Stranger
'but was wondering why you didn't
have your candies made Mt a regular
brick yard of the regular material. and
have something you could warrant to
purchasers"
The clergymans wife had presented O
him with a son, and the happy father,
rs he went his parochial rounds, was
congratulated by the members of his
congregation. There was one old farm.
er, however, who received the tidings
very coldly, but when perceiving the
,,fc Il