The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1882-06-09
WHY WE LAUGH.
Oscar Wilde was the first to discover that
there are greenbacks in sundowers-Boston
Commercial Bulletin.

| oscar Wide was tne nrSt 10 discover that
there are greenbacks in sunfowers-Bosto
Commercial Bulletin.
Now that Darwin Is gone we violate no
confidence in saying that he always believed
Oscar Wilde to be the missing link.-Bur-
iington Hd,ukeye.
a Frenchman, by way of giving expression
TO his love of nature, exclaimed: 90 ma.
dame, like re cows, re horses, re sheep, and
| angling else Eat is beastly."
This country has over twelve thousand bi.
cycles, and you're mighty safe, young man,
in taking the daughter of court-plasteI
maker for an heiress.-Boston Post.
A city paper, IN announcing a recent mar
| riage, heads 1t, "At the End of His Troubles =
The paper, however, neglects to state al
which end.-Marathon Independent.
"Confound 1t, you've shot the dog! ]
| thought You told me you could hold a gun.'
Pat" Sure and so can, your honor. It's
the shot, sorr, l couldn't Aowld !"-Boston
| Post.
A pair of jeweled garters sold in New
| York the other day for $4,000. That's pref
ty high. II will take pretty tall girl to
| wear garters that come as high as that
Victor Hugo says his intellect "grows
| stronger with age and does not rest" The
gentleman will pardon the remark, but the
same thing might be said of old cheese
NorristO,on Herald.
A Fenian leader made speech the other
Cay without making use of the expression,
"languishing in a British bastile," and the
club to which he belonged expelled him
forthwlth.-Cincinnati Saturday Night.
There may not be panic in this country
for two or three years to come, but the man
who bets On horse-race without having first
posted himself on which animal is to be al
lowed to win, will help contribute to hard
times.-Detroa Free Press.
A shirt has two arms, the same as panta-
looms have two legs. Yet one Is called a
pair and the other is only one. Isn't it time
that We let up on astronomy and pay more
attention to the everyday trifes that vex the
clearest minds ?-Christian at Work.
IL there such thing as luck?" asks
correspondent. There is. For instance, If
you go home at two O'Clock in the morning
after promising your wife to be In early, and
find her asleep, and don't tumble over any
chairs, that's luck, but it isn't to be depended
on.-OH City Derrick.
After the circus is over, after the wild
beast show Is done: First son of toll (ecstat-
ically-" That was bully show. Did you
see the lion-tamer, hey?" Second son of
toll" Didn't +? tell you, it takes him to
boss lion Why, he just knocked that old
loness about as If she had been his wife,
French Paper.
Tbara ;o M ,nora y,orra,t ,,;otrro 80 ms,
tentment and chastened Joy In this weeping,
sorrowiDg world, than the fat man who has
not seen over the horizon of his anatomy for
ten years and who enters society cheerful
and happy In his ignorance of the fact that
the Monogram tag which is attached to the
foot OF his shirt bosom, is waving through
the aperture between his vest and waistband.
boomerang.
A Philadelphia bulldog rushed and tackled
a tame bear, under the impression that it
was Newfoundland dog. After the bear
wore out about half All acre of Belgian pave
ment with him, they got the dog away, and
he limped painfully back into the butcher
shop, merely remarkiEg to the gentleman
whose meat cart he slept in that that dog
looked like Newfoundland, but If he was
MT born in the north of Ireland there wasn't
no snakes.-B,rlington Ha,okeye.
He had always told her that her ievity was
not becoming, especially In girl about to
enter upon the sacred duties of awife. She
promised to reform, and the wedding came
off at last. When the officiating clergyman,
in the course of the ceremony, turned to the
groom, and in very solemn manner, asked
him to repeat the words, "With all my
worldly goods thee endow," the bride
ducked her head against the altar railing
and just snorted with merriment. The
groom was deckhand In Myrtle avenue
thread and needle store.-Brooklyn Eagle.
And Tow the soft, sweet, balmy days come
floating along, showering roses in the fields,
and making the birds sing on the budding
boughs of the orchards. The brooks are be-
ginning to purl, and the stage-driver is laying
aside his army overcoat and getting his straw
hat in condition. The farmer is raisirg let
tuce, and the hotel man Is raising his rates.
The woodman is cutting down the maple,
the old lady is cutting down the paternal
overcoat to make the boys trousers, and the
yellow dog is cutting down the street with a
kettle. But never mind, it is not necessary
to 60 into details; summer Is coming, and
that Is all We started out to say.-Puck.
A citizen had occasion to consult lawyer
regarding suit Wnlch ne contemplated IN
stituting, but Of the definite outcome of
which he was in doubt. He did not wish to
pay retaining fee, because he was uncertain
Of winning. The attorney said he would
accept contingent fee. The party met Mr..
Burleigh some time afterward and asked him
the definition of a contingent fee. "A con.
tingent fee," loosely said Mr.. Burleigh, I" is
this: If lawyer loses the case, he gets
nothing; If he wins, you get nothing"
But" said the perplexed party, scratching
his head, al can't say that exactly compre-
hend you" 81 thought was quite clear"
said Mr.. Burleigh, who repeated what he had
said. "But it seems that don't get any
thing in either event." said the man, when
his intellect had fully grasped the situation.
well, that is about the size of contingent
fee," replied Mr.. Burleigh, terminating the
conyersation.-Detroit Free Press.