The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-06-01
W.T. AND HUMoR.

ceptlon.
A burglar got into the house of a
country. editor the other night After a
terrible Struggle the editor Succeeded in
robbing him.
! 1t used to take nine taildrs to make a
man. Now one good tailor, shoema-
ker, and barber can make what is call
ed society man.
A man living in the country finds
lightning-rods on the house to be a
great protection. They keep lightning
rod peddlers from calling.
Fogg, who had been fed on pie for a
day or two, informed his land-lady that
he was not fond of pasteboard. Fogg
was given his walking papers.
A Western paper announces that up
on the occasion of a recent boiler eXplo-
sion in the neighborbood s'between
three and four men were killed
When Patrick saw the announcement
in shop window, s'Great Slaughter in
Clothing" he stepped in and.inquired
for swan of thin kilt SUITS
The great social mania is to have one s
hand photographed. But when man
doesn't want his hand photographed.
Iii bli6 E1dSl HAL bIIukS nc IL
the Lord when he trades his wife for an
ass, sells the ass for what he can get,
and goes on a pilgrimage to Mecca.
A young man who didn't like the
color of his hair wrote to a chemist,
asking, "What is the best dying re-
ceiptP' The chemist answered, ''Fool
with a loaded gun"
1t is only within the last few years
A. Il. Il IL
coffee doesn't prevent sleep at night.
There were years and years when they
dare not drink it.
This is the way to arrange that Hin
doc paragraph: When a Hindoo swears
he takes hold of the tail of COW. In
this country when a man takes hold of
the tail of a cow he swears.
If it be true that Jesse James is in
heaven, a great many supplemented,
transformations people in this country,
who never scuttled a railroad train nor
cut throat, will sublet their church
pews at very favorable terms.
At town-meeting Large taxpayer
rose up to protest against building a
new school-house in a certain part of
the town. whats the good of itp''
said he. ''They are an ignorant set
down Gnere, anyway.
He was sitting on the club house
steps, when a gentleman came up to
him and asked him if there was gen.
tleman with one eye named Walker in
the club. 81 don't know" was the re-,
ply, whats the name of the other
eye?''
s.Do, for gracious sake, waiter, take
those nut-crackers over to that man."
exclaimed a nervous old lady sitting OPP
posite to a party who was cracking nuts
with his teeth. mo, thank you," po-
Htely returning them; ''mine are not
false teeth
Hi! where did you get them trou-
sers?' asked an Irishman of q man who
happened to be passing, with a remark
ably short pair OF trousers. Il got
them where they grew" was the indig-
said Pat, you We pulled them a year
too soont'
An Austin editor was writing at
home, when his numerous children dis
turbed him, whereupon he howled to
his wife: I'm busy writing an editori-
al denouncing the infiiction of corporal
punishment of children in the public
schools of Texas, and if those brats in
terrupt me once more I'll get up and
wear my cane out on them."
iracacr How does the earth absorb
water? Pupil-Like dog. Teacher
Kew do You make that outP Pupil
Don't we read of the lap of the earthP
Tcacher-Go up another grade.
Miss Florence Toole. the 14-year-old
daughter of the comedian is describ-
ed rs the possessor of remarkable abili-
ty, and it is thought that her father will
presently be able to get his pieces writ
ten for him ut home. There's nothing
like having the Tooles in the house
when one wants to construct a play.
A Paris paper tells this purely French
story A woman seated on bench in
the Champs EIysees calls the attention
to her neighbor to a passing equipage.
.sYou see that little blonde in the car
riage with the tall, dark gentleman?
Well, she is my daughter" ''Indeedl
They are married?'' ..Hep Oh, yes
but not she"
An ancient Bohemian, who has come
into snug fortune. is felicitated warm
II by an old acquaintance. Yes, says
the new Cresus, reiiectively, lit is a
pleasant thing to have money. And do
YOU know what is most agreeable about
itp You feel, sir, that you are appreciat-
ed; you find friends who esteem you Tor
your own qualities alone"
s'What is the use of making SO much
fuss over the little eccentricities OF 9th
ers at the tableP" exclaimed Fogg.
s'Whv should humans make any more
bother about such things than pigs?"
.sBut you must remember that we are
not used to dining with pigs" said Pin
grey, spearing the last potato with his
fork. Some of us are not, and some
of us are,' replied Fogg. For some oc-
cult reason everybody looked at Pin
grey and smiled.
She wanted to test his affection, so,
picking up the revolver and putting her
eve to the muzzle, she said innocently,
Il wonder if its loaded ..Oh, don't
he said, with manifest agitation. 1t sat
isfied her that he loved her, and she ask
ed indifferently, .sWhy notP' t.Be-
cause he answered, 1--we got house
rent to pay next month and funeral
would embarrass me-
Sporting: us the game pretty good
this seasonpr asked California tourist
of San Francisco urchin who with diff
ficulty supported upon his shoulder
fowiing-piece almost as big as himself.
s.Bully,r said the boy. Plenty of snipe,
plover, and ducks, suppose?'' '.Snipes
-plovers ducks? Naw,'' was the con-
tenlptuous answer. '.Plenty of China
meni'