The Portland daily press., 1882-02-09
Spoopendyke
Is Opposed to Publicity.


''Say, my DEAR" roared Mr.. Spoopendyke,
as he dashed into the room and fell into
chair, .did you know that that measly section
of dod-gasted stove pipe, with handy legs and
Presbyterian steeple nose, had published
book about you and me?"
'-No!" exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke. ''You
don't tell me! Is it anything like Napoleon
Bonaparte crossing the Alps?''
"No, it isn't anything like Napoleon Bona
parte crossing the Alps" snorted Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "And it amt anything like Julius Han
nibal crossing the Hellespontl Nor it amt
anything about Queen Victoria crossing game
chickensl It's about you and me, tell you'll
It's all about our private life, and the dcd CAST
ed idiot always represents me a-going to bed
madp'
II don't know that there's anything in our
private life to be ashamed off, said Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, ''and as to your going TO bed mad, you
generally do, don't you, dear?"
sWhat if do?" howled Mr., Spoopendyke.
'S'pose want to go to bed ON every news stand
in the country done up in cheap binding and
type? Think want posters ont on the fences,
'Spoopendyke going to bed mad, in paper, 20
cents; Spoopendyke going to bed mad, with ad-
ditions and preface by the author, price 90
cents; Spoopendyke going to bed mad, bound
in cloth With beveled edges, children cry for it
and doctors recomme nd it, price $1.0O'? Got
an idea L want to go to bed mad in twenty-four
editions, with row with q news company,
printers bills unpaid and a paper manufaetur-
or bowling for his money? Wah-h-h-h!' yelled
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "Its book, tell you!
Cut on the edges, pasted on the b1ck, covered
on the outside and reading matter all over
Know what a book is? The only difference
between a book and your dod gasted mouth is
that the book shuts up once in a whllei Who
gave him the facts?' and Mr.. Spoopendyke
leaned back in his chair and frothed at the
mouth.
'.What does the man say in his bcok?" asked
Mrs Spoopendyke.
"He don't say anythingl He don't get
chance! You do all the talking like you do at
home Oh, you're great woman now! It's
Mrs Spoopendyke this and Mrs. Spoopendyke
that, and Mrs Spoopendyke around the corner,
and Mrs. Spoopendyke over the fence Shaks-
peare's nowhere! You are the leading literary
character of the dayl Who gave him the facts?
Who purveyed the measly information? Who
told him you were a dod gasted idiot that only
needed a wash bill and brother-ln-laW to DC a
Guiteau trial?"
81 don't quite know what you mean," fall
tered Mrs Spoopendyke. 81 know about the
Guiteau trial and hope Mr.. Porter will win 1t,
because he seems to act as though he wouldn't
get any pay if he didn't But l don't know
anything about being literary, and as for Shaks-
peare, think he is almost as abstruse as the
Board of Education"
ssWhat want to know is, who gave him the
facts?" roared Mr.. Spoopendyke. who gave
this ten-cent author with a five acre reputation
the facts? How'd he ever find out that you
didn't know any more about keeping house
than a frog does about keeping bank ac-
count?''
"I'm surs I don't know, DEAR said Mrs.
Spoopendyke soothingly. Maybe he is only
newspaper man who publishes facts tirst and
then trusts to luck to find them out afterward.
What does he say about me?"
"Say about youi'' squealed Mr. Spoopendyke
nHe don't say enough! He only leaves tho
impression that diamond drill, steam en-
gine, fair weather and low wages might make
an impression on your SKULL Do you apprecl-
ate the enormity of the measly situation? Do
you reach out and grasp, comprehenslvely, the
unalterable fact that your market value is
twenty-five cents in paper and dollar in
cloth? Can you absorb the idea that IN illus
trating your red, white and blue virtues he has
dragged me into his dod gasted book, SO as to
give character to it?
"Does he mention you, too?n exclaimed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, with an air of indignation.
Mr., Spoopendye rose to his feet. Slowly he
divested himself of his clothing and slammed
the various articles on the floor, keeping his
eye fixed on his trembling wife.
MRS Spoopendyke," SAID he, as he pranced
into bed, "be kind enough to regard me as the
cheap edition The honor of cloth, with bev-
eled edges, gold letters on the cover and the
name spelled wrong, belongs to you. With
that and your literary attainments, combined
with your measly disposition to reflect discred-
it on an insane jackass you only need your
corners turned down, your back torn off to be
a circulating library" With which profound
illustration of his contempt for the situation,
~ Ia drQU ~ the inflow his
head and kicked vigorously.
81 don't care" thought Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she ran a gathering string through the neck
of the baby's wrapper; 'if the man says that
Mr. Spoopendyke goes to bed mad every night
he tells the truth, and il he does that don't
care what he says about me. What wonder
most about is, how long speech the foreman
of the jury will make about Mr. Guiteau."
And Mrs Spoopendyke crawled in on her
side of the couch and then Topped out again to
see if the man under the bed had not by some
possibility got into the matchsafe and pulled
the cover over himself.