Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1882-04-20
Aa'aospns department.
WESTERN FRONTIER TALES.

Is
WESTERN FRONTIER TALES. .
A man was sitting in his house eating pie,
heard a storm coming and ran to the door.
The gale first blew the house down and then
seized the man, carried him through the air
a hundred yards or So, and landed him in a
peach tree. Soon after friendly board from
his own house came floating by. This he
seized and placed over his head to protect
him from the raging blast, and finished his
pie. u There was a man from Bos-
ton who would not confess astonishment at
anything he saw in Nevada. AS he was pas
sing hotel in Virginia City the cap blew from
one of the chimneyS. 1t was circular piece
of sheet iron, painted black, slightly convex,
and the four supports were like legs. The
wind carried it down street, and it went strad
ding along like living thing. The Boston
man asked what it was. "a bedbug from the
hotel" was the reply. "By George, I never
saw anything like that he began, and then
added, "outside of Boston, y = A party
of miners in the Black Hills compared eyes
and ears over campfire. One said: "When
l was coming to the Hills looked for Indians
until l could see mosquito mile away"
Another said that his eyes were weak, but
that he could hear gnats jumping Oh the rocks
four miles. The next man had listened for
Indians until he had heard the mountain sheep
light on their horns in the Big Mountains,
three hundred miles away. The fourth with
his head on his pillow, had strained his ears
until he heard the Chinese mailing up tea
boxes. The fifth in crossing the Rocky Noun
tainS, had found petrified forest, the trees
turned into solid stone. AS he loitered On
the edge a deer started across the valley and
was transformed in a moment into stone. A
bird flew past him and perched upon tree
began to sing Suddenly the bird was changed
to stone. The song he was singing was also
petrified, hanging down from the beak of the
bird-cold, cold stone. ....--.-------
A VILE CONsPIRACY.-JehielJ Jasper stroll
ed into the grocery store and postofliee of
New England village last Saturday, and after
he WAS fully warmed, said "Well, l guess I'll
read the news and get along towards home.
Squire Perskinses papers come yet ?" and he
stepped behind the postoffce boxes, as was his
custom, to take them out and read them.
''Can't let you see them, Jahiel,' said the
postmaster, government has issued orders
that any postmaster who allows non-sub-
scriber to read a subscribers paper will lose
his position"
''No. You don't tell me ? Well, if that
amt a great idea! Its a put up job-a gol
darned conspiracy between these ere newspa-
pers and the gov'ment to keep the multitude
in Ignorance, so that they can domlneer II
over the community. And they talk about
this ere bein' free country. It's driftin right
into despotism jest rs fast as it can. How i'll
the thunder's a man TO know what's is goln'
on if he don't read, an now the governments
setting down on all ideas Of eddication, and
taking away that privilege"
ooh, not so bad us that, Jehiel," said the
postmaster 'sThe government doesn't say
anything against your subscribing for the
paper yourself, you know"
''Subscribin' for it? What dye take me
for? Dye suppose that Pm gOin' to subscribe
for paper that I've read fourteen years right
here by the stove without costin' me cent! !!
No, sir. amt agoiu' to help 'em to oppress
And having got supply of cheap plug tobacco
''put on the slate'' he mogged home thor
oughly yoppresSed citiZen.-NeD Haren Register.
THE IMPOSSIBLE GIRL.-He offered her
handsome opal ring. excuse me- she said,
while blush crept over her velvety cheeks {;
''opals are unlueky." Then he fshed pack
age of caramels out of his pocket and attempt
ed to present it to her. '.Inever touch them,"
she murmured, languidly, 'as they destroy
the teeth and draw the filings out. My mother
and her jaws were held together so tight for
two hours that she couldn't talk" 's9on
must have had quiet house." ''Sir?' 81
say you must have had a riot in the house.
mean that your mother must have been 50
provoked that she couldn't preserve her usual
state of beautiful serenity, but was obliged to
give way to her feelings, in spite OF her heroic
efforts to appear calm. Would you like to go
to the minstrels tonight ," "NO, l thank
you," she whispered feelingly, II AIN always
Saddened by such wOful dramas as Camille,
Hamlet and Miss Mutton and the last time
was at the minstrels I saw how those plays
could he made more heartrending with the
jokes of the MINISTRIES worked into them."
He then invited her to take walk, and par
take of ice cream and OtherluXurieS calculated
to thrill the feminine mind with ecstasy. But
she refused each and all of them. And the
young man danced around with his pocket
book in his hand and thought what expense
men would be saved if all the girls were like
this one. And he sang:
"Ive found me the wife of the future,
I've found the impossible Girl"
Then he woke up and ascertained that he had
been dreaming The impossible Girl has yet
to be discovered Il. M,mkitrick IN Puck.
TALL CoRN-Uncle Billy Manion, Jerry
Ridgway, Reese Wilkerson and Henry Wealth
erington were toasting their shins about a
comfortable back log in Adam Shane's store,
discussing the good old days of forty. Uncle
Jerry had raised some of the finest corn on
the Wabash, down in Indiana, that it had
been his good fortune to see. There was no
country like the Wabash for corn. Uncle
Billy Manion thought the finest corn in the
world was raised on the Missouri River. Reese
WilkerSOn declared that the DeS MOineS River
country in Iowa raised more bushels to the
cob than anybody's country. Uncle Henry
Weatherington sat by silently and heard all
their big corn stories, and put in: ''Talking
about corn," said he, Sin thirty-eight | put in
Il crop of corn down on the SciOto bottoms in
Ohio, and it grew SO rapidly that to measure
it's growth I selected hill and stuck up
lmndspike by it, and do yeu believe me, it
grew just six inches day. After it grew
above the spike paid no more attention to
it and forgot all about it till the fall when
gathering the crop found it, and blast Inc If
there wasn't three full ears on each stalk and
darned big one on the handspike." At this
Uncle Jerry made break for the open air,
but tears that would fill a tablespoon collected
in the corners of Uncle Billy'S and Reese's
eyes and it was evident that they were deeply
moved
A CONSERVATIVE SPINsTER.-The old
maid of the period is usually rich old maid,
and her virtues are of the conservative order.
Such lady was addressed by a widower
with seven children, who desired to marry
her.
''Sir," she said, 81 would not live in the
bnoco with Soyon childran of nv own mucI