Connecticut western news., 1882-06-21
WIT AND WISDOM.

rive on tune Is charged to ue1ecuVe flew.
 THE average schoolboy does not TO- semble Presidents-ho never hankers after third term.
 "MAKE the surroundings of your home attractive" but don't make them too far away from the house.
 My son, you ask who or what mo- body is. We'll, my dear young man, nobody is prominent woman's hus- band.-On C9'y Derrick.
 "MAMMA, do you know what the largest species of ants areP You shake your head. We'll, I'll tell you they are elephants"
 "Ar what age were you married ?" asked she, inquisitively. But the other woman was equal to the emergency, and quietly responded, "At the parson- age."
 You say you are great reader of Byron, and would like to have us give you an example of true solitude. We'll, we have one. It is the last nickel in your pocket at fair.
 HE was SO mad to find his wife not at home that he took the soap and wrote across the lookine-glass l: "Betsey Janc is big fool" She amended it with "s wife," and left it for him to chaw on.-SyracuSo Times.
 A SCOTTISH student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by Q professor, in the course of his exaDina- tion, how he would discover & fool. By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly suggestive reply.
 CAPTAIN BoaARpUs was accidentally shot through the thumb by his little son, the other day, while holding glass balls for the five.year old to hit. The captain wished to train the youngster to shoot off-hand, but got no further than off thumb.
 WHEN Henderson heard the cannon yesterday afternoon he asked, "Whats that ?" "The Governor taking his seat on the Common" he was told. "Thun- der p exclaimed Henderson "does he always sit down as hard as that 2"- Boston Transcript.
 "I THINK" said fond parent, "thst little Jimmy is going to be poet when he grows up. He doesn't eat and sits all day by the stove and thinks, and thinks" "You ha better grease him all over," said Aunt Jerusha. He is going to have the measles. That's what sils Jimmy"
 THEY were discussing religious ques- tions. Said Brown: "I tell you that, if the other animals do not exist after death, neither does man. There is no difference between man and beast. "H anybody could convince me of that, 1t would be you, Brown" replied Deacon Jones, demurely.
 AN ABSENT MINDED Harlem man had been so much in the habit of sending his children to their mother when they preferred any request that the children after time took to going to her, as to headquarters. One day the elder son, aged six, wanted to look at a picture book" belonging to his father, and asked permission of his mother. She replied, "Go and ask your father. "Why," said the boy, in astonisament, "is he the boss now ?"
 NRw YORK has an older Topsy. She is exceedingly black, and the whites of her eyes have a reddish tinge. "Drunk again, eh ?" Justice Ford said to her in the Jefferson Market police court. 'I'se mitey sorry fo' yer, sab, but I guess yer warn't half so bad as me, was the reply. "Have you a home ?" "'Deed has, an a fader an mudder, an dey's rite proud ob dis chile. spec you's gwipe u sem me to dem, ain't yer ?" ''Six months" "Does yer tink I'll be sober wen comes down? I don't wanter let my parents see no sign ob liquor on me wen I goes home."
 LovF in Texas is much like love on the WissahickoD, very likely, but no Philadelphia couple ever acted as two young people did down at the town of Marshall, in that State, a few days ago. The young man picked up pebble and playfully threw it at his sweetheart. The pebble struck the girl on the finger where the youth had just put an engagt- ment ring, and the blow hurt like every thing. Getting angry about it the sweetheart "hurled the pebble hack at him, knocking out one of bis front teeth" Ia view of the fact that there will be no wedding, it is safe to an
 tul ce "no cards"
 AN Edinburgh minister officiating at 6 country kirk could not understand the the congregation keeping their seats when he rose to pronounce the benedic- tion. He waited, but no one stirred. Then, seeing his embarrassment, and guessing it's cause, the old clerk bawied out, "Say ava, sir, say ava; it's ioost to cheat the dawgs" Experience had shown that the dogs which so often ac- company their master to the kirk took the rising of the people as signal for departure, and acting upon that idea, disturbed the solemnity of the occasion. They had therefore to be checkmated by the congregation keeping their seats until the blessing was given. "Is THERE any doubt about Pingrey paying me?" asked Brown. "He wants to borrow a hundred" "No," replied Fogg, "I don't think there is particle of doubt about it." A month. later Brown met Fogg again. "What did hn l,x, al xYna