The National tribune., 1882-09-02
WIT AND HUMOR.

-AH SACAIsihSo SiyS ine NIuiLlSbS InIeaIene0
to put Alexander III 81 in holen Wouldn't
that be czar-chasm ?-No1ristown Herald.
American women are pronounced the best
dancers in the world. They are also better
adapted to make man dance attendance on
them than any other women in the world.
a kind-hearted judge: 4 Texas Judge
knocked six months off ninety-nine years
sentence in order to show the prisoners
friends that he was willing to give him
chance.-Aagusta Chronicle.
A new religious sect in Minnesota are
called the Dreamers, and they have dream
Interpreter, and are governed in their CON-
duct by their dreams. Cheese and mince
pie distributed of night would break I'M the
whole church.-Neg Orleans Picayune.
A gentleman talking the other day to q
bright little five-year-old boy, asked him:
"Do you ever fight at bome?" 80, yes.n
said the boy. well, who do you fight
with?" 40, my sister, "WelI, who
whips?" 90, mamma whips!"-B Buffalo
Express.
Very kind drug clerk to little girl: "Now,
be sure you tell your papa to take this medi-
cine according to the directions on the bottle:
an overdose might affect his brain. Little
girl: ~, guess there's no danger of that.
for I've heard mamma tell him lots of times
ne never had any brains"-Y YOnkers Gazette.
Gus D. Smith has quit boarding with the
Widow Flapjack on Austin Avenue. After
having had sausage for dinner six consecu-
tive days, he mildly limited that he would
like change. Change" shriel1ed Mrs.
Fiapiack," why I've been buying sausagers
this week from four different butchers. Amt
that change enough tor six dollars a week.
IeraS SiftiRgs
Are you the happy father of brace of
vigorous, active boys? You are? Then you
know all about having two snow forts in tbe
front yard and all the neighbors' brats lying
in wait behind them to give you a warm
greeting with SNOWFALL volley as you come
swinging up the walk with a half dozen
new lamp chimneys in your pocket and
II by IA pane Of glass under your arm to
set lnthe cellar window.-New Haren Register.
He was asking the conductor how he
managed to build a house and buy fast
horse out of his fifty dollars month. "You
see," said this noble man, sometimes we
get way passenger who pays quarter or q
half dollar for his fare. Well, we flip
the money up-heads for the conductor, tails
for the company" But" persisted this in
vestigator after truth, sometimes it must
turn up tails, what do you do then
80" replied the conductor with ineffable con-
tempt, then we will flip it up again" So
that passenger went home and sc1I
railroad shares.
Bugs, bugs, by millions of ge-s
swarm around every electric light o.
lamp. Among the countless vaI
long, slender, black buzzer that ] t1
like BREWER type. Last nigh
sighted printer On the Argus set W ia<.
iul Of them, and never found out g- .a
take till he went to empty his ta On .r-
galley, when he was astonished by =sara-
whole paragraph of brilliant edit
away.
There is movement on foot among sum-
mer resort LANDLORDS to build larger rooms
:or their guests. 1t is actually expected that
~ another year some of the higher-priced
rooms will be big enough for man to change
MS shirt in without having to stick his arms
and head out of the window.-Ne1U HGcen
Register
First proud mother: My boy is only II
years old, and he comes in every day with
his pockets full of fruit. He can get over
he top of any fence they can put up, the
iariing!" Second proud mother: pooh
or your boy! Why, my Jimmy is only 10,
and he's corner loafer, and has been to the
police court twice" - Louisville Courier
Journal.
Il don't understand" said the landlady,
why nobody touches that cake. It's been
IN the table every night for week and not
a soul has eaten piece of it. 1t is unneces-
sary to say that it is particularly nice. Look
int it; it speaks for itself" Possibly" re.
marked Fogg, "that is the reason that no.
body else speaks for it.n-B0Ston Franscript.
County court judge Ito defendant y" The
case seems clear to me- and having had the
goods you must pay the amount claimed.
Now, how much can you pay? Can you
manage four shillings a month";" Defend
ant Ia poor man >" Me, sir! Four shillings q
month! No, certainly not; but 1 don't mind
paying two shillings q week ~ London
Jady.
They err who tell as politeness has fled as
witness the following postscript to letter
recently received by the Duke of X from
the steward of one of his estates: 81 beg that
your grace will excuse for having taken the
liberty of writing this letter in my shirt
sleeves, but the excessive heat has compelled
me to be guilty of this apparent disrespect."
From the French.
Signal service news: 1t was at the break
fast table. Mrs. Yerger, who was reading
the morning paper, said: In st. Louis o
lirst-rate meal was cooked by electricity"
I" So the meal was well cooked by li@htninpP
That's more than 1 can get in this house. by
thunder!" retorted Colonel Yerger. Mrs.
Yerger's eyes flashed and there was a cloud
upon her brow. Colonel Yerger thought he
was going to catch hail, but it blew over
TGras Sittings.
A strict husband: madam" is preparing
about halt-paSt ten p. m. to 90 out "for the