The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1882-08-18
HUMOR.
A WATER privilege-Sea bathing.

n WATEb PfiShcBo-cc" c"ehinB.
CERrAIN persons who are always put
forward-Sailor on board ship.
In these days even the spice of life is
largely adulterated. -Lo,0eH Courier.
THE bachelors refrain-A lass The
maiden's refrain All, men. - Boston
Star.
AN editor who was told that his last
article was as clear as mud, said: "Well,
that covers the ground, anyhow"
"LFE is a riddle" says a Western
exchange. Yes lots OF people give 1T
up every day.-Philadeiphia Chronicle.
A PIECE of steel is good deal like
man when you get it red hot 1t loses
its temper. = Baltimore EVery Satur-
day.
"WHAr is the key to this great mys-
terry of death ?" solemnly inquired the
orator, pausing impressively. And the
man in the front seat, who had been
coughing all the evening, huskily replied
that he reckoned it must be skeleton
key.-Burtington Hawk-Eye.
II. o. NJ, MEMPHIS, Tenn" Can
you suggest some plan that will enable
me to keep boys from going into my
orchard without my permission and
stealing fruit at night?" Yes; give
them permission TO go in and help them
selves. 1t is true that the boys will not
enjoy the fruit as much that way as if
you allowed them to steal it, but it will
be just as likely to make them Sick
Texas Siftings.
"JAoK," said an affectionate mother,
"you really must come home earlier
nights. DO you suppose Esmeralds
likes to have you stay SO late ?" "IH
tell you how it was" replied Jack.
"You see she was sitting on my hat,
and felt little deicacy about men,
tioning the fact" every we'll, I'll give
you bit Of advice. The next time don't
hold your hat in yonr lap"
Mrs. BRowN-" Dear me, Mrs. Jones,
are those tall young ladies really yours
I had no idea you had daughters grown
up." Mrs. Jones (who Is still possessed
of considerable personal attraction)-
"Oh, yes was married at 10, You
know And is that young gentleman
really your. son ?" Mrs. Brown (who is
also possessed of ditto, ditto, ditto)-
Yes-a-I was married at H."
A STRANGER dropped in one morning
before breakfast at Washington drug
store and called for bottle of Congress
water. The intelligent clerk ducked
beneath the counter and promptly pro-
duced a bottle of old Monongahela.
The customer tasted it and then deposit
ing his glass remarked "Do you call
that Congress water ?" "That's it,"
answered the pill-compounder, smiling
pleasantly. Every Congressman who
comes in here drinks it. "-BrOokiyn
Eagle.
"CHIcAao boasts, or rather boosted,
magistrate, one Justice OMalley, whose
eloquence and erudition made him the
pride and delight OF the city. So sorr,'
he Numbered to an old offender, who
had often escaped what the Judge
always alluded to as the butt end of the
law, so, sorr, y'arre about to incur the
pinalty of your malefactions. Justice,
sorr, may purshue wild aleaden heel, but
she smites'-here the quotation eludsd
him-'she smites riumphantly-'she
smites wild a-cast.iron toe!" -Harper's
Magazine.
In his work of instructing policemen
Drill Captain McKelvey, of Brooklyn,
asked would-be guardian of the public
peace what he would do if drunken
man should abuse him. "Is it abuse
yer talking about ?" aueried the
policeman. "Yes, If he called
you names, what would you do ?"
"What he call me names is it, and
me with this club! Why, Cap, it's me-
that would bate him over the head until
he couldn't st and, and I'd fetch him to
the barracks, alive or dead" Nec0 York
Tribune.