New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1882-10-18
WIT AND HUMoR,

WIT AND HUMoR.
He who says all he likes will often
hear what he does not like.
When a bald-headed man buys q
buster, mohair would be most appropri-
ate.
my dear boy" wrote an Irishman
to his son, ..never put off till to-,nor-
row what you have done to-day"
I'm going through the dark valet"
said the highwayman, as he robbed the
cOlored coachman.
The coat tail Irritation is the latest
A wrinkled coat tail bearing dusty toe
marks means II have spoken to your
father. '-."
Force of habit is wonderful! A Natick
man named Tucker christened his son
Daniel, and everybody makes it point
to tell the boy to got out of the way. !
1T is not necessary for a man to be
poor to be honest Certainly not. But
it seems sort O half way necessary for
q man to be poor if he is honest. -
Quiz.
The Bridgeton (Me.) News calmly
says: 1.-The types last week made us say
that The showers were not sufficient to
meet the wants of milkmen.' etc., in
stead of 'millmen.'
The farmers have made such profit
on suntowers this season that they are
praying that England will send over a
man of the Oscar Wilde stripe to make
mulleins and burdocks fashionable for
button-hole bouquets.
"Does our talk disturb you?" said one
of a company of talkative ladies to an
old gentleman sitting in a railroad sta
ton the other afternoon. 'No, ma an"
was the naive reply. 1--we boon married
nigh on to forty years"
"Allow me to be your beau" said a
gentleman, placing his umbrella in a
shower. "Thank you. I've plenty of
fair weather beaux; so suppose must
call you my rain-beau,' she replied
archly.
An old citizen, returning to his home
from 4 banquet, meets another old citi-
zen coming from the opposite direction.
"Ish thish the avenue?' asked No. I.
"How should know? wash at the
banquet myself"
German workman-"Yaas, it it drue
some of mein countrymen drink moch
bier, but it is not strong and does not
make dem dronk." British workman
mo? Then what the dooce is the use
o them-a-drinkin' of it?''
"You made fool of me-" said an IT.
ate man to his wife. my love-" she
sweetly responded, ''you do yourself in
justice. Call yourself a fool if you wish,
but remember you are in all respects q
self-made man."
"You are now one," said the minister
to the happy pair he had just tied to-
gether with knot they never could I'M
do. (Which one?' asked the BRIDE
''You will have to settle that for your
Selves" said the clergyman.
An old miser, who was notorious for
self-denial, was one day asked why he
was 50 thin. II do not know" said the
miser. Il have tried various means for
getting fatter, but without SUGGEST
"Have you tried victuals?" inquired q
friend.
Its my last RESORT, my last resort"
murmured a dejected-looking individual
as he braced himself against lamp
post last night. What is that?" in
Quired q sympathetic bystander. -
"Home" was the mournful reply, "home,
sweet home"
A Vermonter has invented water
telescope with which he claims he can
see . five-cent piece in forty feet of the
water. But the blasted telescope does
mt bring coin up; so seeing it is only
an aggravation, and we don't want any
-''"h Standardization Post.
"Boy," said stranger to lad who
was backing his boots in front of no.
tel recently, IF l should give you dol
lar, would your first impulse be to 60 to
the circus?' mo, sir" was the prompt
reply. my first impulse would be that
it was counterfeit billr'-Detroit Free
Press
A little lady of q years had picked
up cane in the corner of the room and
was playing with ia plain stick bent
at the end. Papa asked, "What are
you doing with the cane?" 1T isn't
cane" "What is it, then? ITS an ur1-
brella without any clothes on it,
Eyes, you may come again next Sun-
day evening. Charley, dear, butt
what is it, darling? Have I given you
pain?" he asked, as che still remained
silent. ''You didn't mean to, I'm sure,"
she responded, ''but next time don't
wear one Of those collars with the points
turning outward; they scratch so.''
An indianapolis minister thus relicv-
ed himself: 1--WE are living with tele-
phone at each Christian mouth, a dia-
scope at the eye, a sphygmaphone at
the pulse, and we sent lightning shocks
of mercurial Christian force around the
globe and on--chasing the centuries"
Very naturally, the Buffalo Express
thinks he is wanted in Boston.
A guest at the table of boarding.
house on the Catskill Mountains, who
was about to tackle piece of dried ap-
pie pie, addressing the landlay, said:
do you think you could furnish me
with bit of cheese?" II don't know
whether there is any," she answered, in
. castiron tone of voice, "but if you'll
have q little patience, I'll send a
waiter to look through the mousc-traps
and SEE" -Brooklyn Eagle.
II can't get up early" said a poor
victim to his doctor. ooh. yes you
can" was the reply, If you will only
follow my advice. What is your hour
of rising?' 'Nine O'clock" Well, get
up half an hour later every day, and in
the course of month you will find
yourself up at four in the morning."
"How beautiful is the dome of heaven
this evening"" said Angelica, as she
leaned heavily on his arm. 'The stars
seem to look down upon u.s. "Oh,
yes" said practical John, ''it's impos-
sible for them to look up to us, you
know. They cawn't.'' Sudden check
of an evening full of most delightful