Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1882-09-27
WIT AND HUMOR.

A Georgia item tells Of tramp
who had "no shoes except the strings" F"
1t is pleasant to shake hands with
q girl whose fingers are covered with
diamonds, for you feel that you have
fortune within your very grasp
Ex.
When a young lady is caught out
in a shower sans umbrella, what does
she most anxiously look forH A rain
beau, Of course.-Commercial Adver-
tiser.
A philosopher has extracted the
following reply from a school boy to
the query: "How is the earth divid-
ed, my lad d?' "By earthquakes,
sir."-Ex.
Before man delibritely makes up
his mind tew be a raskal he shood ex-
anime hisself clussly tew ascertain eff
he aint better constitooted fur phool.
Josh Billings.
"Yes," said Henderson, with ener-
gy, "that man has been the making of
me-" HAS hep" replied Fogg.
"You are his first attempt, | suppose" +"
Boston Transcript.
My DEAR" asked Mrs. j. of her
husband, on coming home from church
the other day, "what was the sweetest
thing you saw in bonnets "The
ladies' faces" was the bland reply
Elk.
A young lady attending balls and
parties should always secure a chap
eron.-Ex. The advice is pnnecess-
ary, for the young ladies always Sc
cure chap of their own-when they
can.
A returned missionary was recently
invited to n party, where all the ladies
appeared in low cut dresses. Said he
to his host, "I don't mind it at all
I've spent ten years among the saw
ages"
An Irish gentleman having pur.
chased an alarm-clock, an acquaint.
ance asked him what he intended to dc
with it. "Och," answered he, "sure
I've nothing to do but pull the string
and wake myself"
A French paper has the story Of q
widow who visited the tomb where
reposed her lately lost husband
"Well," said she, "there is one conso
lation for me. know now where he
spends his evenings"
Botanical old Gent (in the Brighton
gardens Can you tell me, my good
man, if this plant belongs to the
Arbutus family? Gardner (curtly,
No, sir, it doan't. 1t b'longs to the
Corporation.-London Punch.
When conductor on a Syracuse
car shouted "Ruggles street, the
other night, q man who had been
doing in the corner started up and
said: "Ruggles' treat? Where's
RugglesS Show me Ruggles, quick |!
-Ex.
A Hoboken person, evidently &
very young lady, writes: "Whert
does the fire 60 when you put out the
candle?' We don't no. 1t mus
light out somewhere. You're up tc
snuff, now, amt you, dear ?"-Nev
York Herald.
II should think that you would feel
badly about leaving this place." sale
a housemaid to the departing cook
81 don't; I'm glad to 60. | ain
sorry to leave any of you-except th'
dog. Poor old Tiger, he Away
washed the plates for mex.
Don't you love her still?" asked
the Judge to a man who wanted {
divorce. Certainly l do," said he
81 love her better still than any othel
way, but the trouble is she will never
be STILL" The Judge, who is married
man himself, takes the case under ad
visement.-Ex.
While preaching from the text
"Hc giveth his beloved sleep" a To
ledo minister stopped in the middle o
his sermon, gazed upon his sleeping
auditors and said: Brethren, it il
hard to realize the wondrous, unbound
ed love the Lord appears to have fo
a good portion of this congregational.
"Things are climbin' down low
sonny" remarked the old darkey
"Fust, l done come down ter TIVE
meals day, den | comes down te
one-mighty plain one ut dat-an
now, bress my old hide, eff / don
got ter scratch round ter get so mucl
as one good squar' lunchin' week.
-Ex.
Johnny" said the school teacher
"a lie can be acted as well as told
Now if your father should purposel,
put sand in his sugar and sell it h
would be acting a lie and doing yer,
wrong" THAT'S what mother tolt
him." said Johnny, impetuously, "an,
he said he didn't care DAM
Wheeling Saturday Journal.
1--WE stolen coat" said q man t
a lawyer, "and l want you to defen'
me. Think you can prove me limo
cent" ooh, yes; we can prove tha
you were in an adjoining TOWNSHIP