Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1882-07-14
WIT AND IIUMOR.


she'll bang II out from early morn TIL noon
The same old tune
Time alters not. The right hand skins aIoit
The left beats time In accents none too soft.
! heard II nrst ten years ago last June
The same old tunel
10! when shall come an answer to this prayer
Iha tlteless madcns utter everywhere"
Oh, may II come IN golden silence soon
The same Old tune
A horrible rumor is afoat that the Gains
borough hats are now being sold 10 the hea-
then for waslitubs.
An East Tennessee paper heads an account
of 91-year-old negrcss with "Almos, u
Centurion"
At least one portion of the khedivc's allcg-
cd subjects are quiet-lhe mummies
Mr.. Gladstone, remembering the proverb
"All work and no play makes Jack duh
boy" has just written drama.
Six negroes sit on the grand jury at
Brownsville, Tenn. TRY Times. What do
they do that tor Z To hold ii down?
The next cnsiage congress will be held in
the city of New York, Tuesday, July "a.
1888 The exercises will open with the
singing of the hymn by sweet Silo.am's
shady rill."
An Italian writer says that 10000 operas
have been written since 1900, of which TO-
900 have been produced by the sons of Italy.
And yet we wonder 1T the increase OF
crime.
The gilded youth Of the day, AS described
by Truth, wear exceedingly tight trousers,
well-defned waists, slightly suggestive OF
corsets, hats with curved brims, very tall
collars, very light ties, and white flower
placed very near their cstimabc chns
Their boots taper at the toes to points SO
sharp as to defy nature and encourage chiro
podisls.
An over nice exchange complains Of the
term skipped OUT US slang. The Detroit
Free Press thcreupon asserts that there is
no slang about it. Take your Bible If it has
the Apocrypha in it, and turn to Ecclesiast
Gus, chapter xXXvi, verse 90. 1t reads
who will trust thief, well appointed, that
skippeth from city to city
a congress Of architects will meet in Rome
| Ill DC'tlllbSl. lllc DIOUlCIn LOT NlsCusSlhIA
will be how to put five closets and a bay Win
dow in every apartment, have all the rooms
large, the ceilings high, the staircases wide.
easy, but short, and yet the whole business
in a small two-and-a-half story cottage with
a mansard root. Phiiadslphm Ne,rs.
Perhaps negroes engage in the wli,ewash-
ing business in obedience TO tie golden rule
-Freach W.T..
The Fourth of July is the only known day
IN the year when young ladies object to
bangs. Manchester M,7or
1t is announced that Senator Ben Hills
cancer was caused by nicotine which got
into blister on his tongue while smoking
Moral = Avoid bllsters On the tongue.
LO,oeN CUi,eH
Amarkod difference between the Egyp. o.
Joseph's day and the Egypt Of Arab ney is
that, whereas i'll the old time there was no
corn in the land it is now absolutely full OF
kernels.-N. Y. Grdphc.
Among the many recent improvements in
our rapidly growing and emiuenty prosper
Gus city is brand-new sink in the compos.
ing room OF the Tribune office. 1t is paint
cd blue and is guaranteed not to spring
leak inside of ten years. What have the en-
vious vipers of the Ne,cs and Rep.jJcal4 to
say to this y-Dtneer 7ri5lae
$ AT dinner party, clumsy footman spills
, the contents of a sauceboat over the dress OF
one of the guests. GLOW clumsy What a
pity" says the lady of the house Chow
could you do such thing: As likely as not
there won't De sauce enough TO 20 round
, now .''-Fron, tie French.
An ant is said to live only one SIimme,
Perhaps this is the reason that old solomon
: advised the sluggard to interview this inter
esting insect.-N. Y. Commercial.
1t was at circus and Herr Signor Won
ID. Simultaneously the lion presdent-hc had
changed his title out of compliment to Re
publican institutions-was going through his;
thrilling act In the cage OF live lions, when
suddenly one OF the beasts sprang upon him
and took generous bite out Of his leg In.
! tense excitement, in the midst of which a
plous woman is heard eXclaiming Come,
let us get cit of this Sodom before the
centre-poe falls and brushes us The idea
OF lion that eats meat on Friday -
fFenh paper.
f One-halt OF the marital inielicity in the
[ world is due 10 the wifes inability 10 COM
G prehend her husbands little wants, or to :.
stubborn or malignant temper which leads
her deliberately to oppose the qualification OF
her wishes. But there are women who un.
derstand this and act accordingly. \ Brook
Ign lady whose husband had been suffer mo
from dependency was asked if she wasn't
afraid he would commit suicide some time
There's bare possibility that he NAV,
t she answered in tone of true wifely devo,
z ton. 81 always lay out razor on his
+ dressing table before he comes home. -
brooklyn Eagle,
Guit-beg pardon; the man is dead.
G Nee Uaren Register.
. The body of n Chicago man. which had
i been buried for twenty.siN years, was re.
a Gently eNhumed and, TO The astonishment OF
everybody, was found to have been perfect
= ly preserved So life-like was its appearapc,
i, that bys,ander invountarily pressed glas,
oil water TO the lips, when ii Immediately
. crumbed TO dust The offer of water was
A too much. - FAiladelphid NeNS.
Edward Athelwald' wants to know wha,
II is meant by the expression damned with
l. faint praise Well, Edward, when a gen
Il tle-hearted editor, dipping his pen in nectar,
says of the journalist at the head of the OPP
e position sheet that lin point Of editorial abil.
ity and general intelligence lie divides honor;
n with little neck clam that. Edward, is
e 'damning him with faint praise, - Boston
e Times.
l. by glancing over the local columns OF our
/, exchanges we are pleased to learn that about
all the horses ridden by all the brgader and
y major-generals during the late war are alive
e and quite Old We We're fully prepsr,J
for the fact of their being alive, having seen
J. all these horses at various places during the
o past year, with our own eyes, but we are
p surprised TO learn they are quite old. =
= However, that fact removes cloud of ,nys-
d terry from our mind, aud confirms us in oar
deep suspicion that the flve-year colt they
showed us at Amsterdam was not, as they
declared, the horse that General Thomas rode
in the battles Of the Wilderness Harrington.
Hacksye.
, Curiosties Of Nature A cockatoo out at
II Minnnannlis rnnnnilN swullnmel u Mir .I