Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1882-08-09


The average age of every fish, fowl :
and animal is known to naturalists, !,
with one exception. The exception is
the age of spring chicken.-Cam- ;
bridge Tribune.
The most horrible case of insanity S
in the Massachusetts, Asylum is that q
Of man who imagines that he is a
Chicagoan. He gets up in the middle 2
of the night to brag.-Boston Post.
"Pa, why do they call 'em high
schools?" because we pay so much
for them, my son. You'll understand
these things better when you get to !,
be a taxpayer. Louisville Courier
Journal.
Numerous swallows were observed
this morning." remarks an exchange,
from which we infer that the editor of Z
that sheet is in the habit of standing
before a mirror when he takes his tea. !
oil City Blizzard.
"Mr. Speakerl" shouted the member {
from Ruraldom, 81 rise to pint of I
order" "And I, Mr.. Speaker" inter-
rupted his colleague, "rise to quart
of the same commodity; go the gen. '
tleman pint better. ."-Ex. L
Give every man the credit of sin
cerity, Notwithstanding it may be a
slight strain on your credulity to be-
lievc that the doctor means what he
saystNhen he tells you, ct am glad to
see you well, r."-Ex.
Everything is as regular as clock
work about my house." said Brown,
who was showing the splendors of his !
new residence to some of his friends.
"Yes," said Fogg, I" it is tick, tick all
the time, | suppose. ."-Ex.
A Chicago editor remarks: Oscar
Wilde gets 5000 night for being an
ass, while we remain poor!" And
St. Louis editor, wishing to be very
severe, retorts: limitations, brother,
are often more than the real thing"
|
School teacher" Johnny, what is
your fathers occupation?". Johnny
=" Num-" Teacher" What does
your father do for living; what is
his trade?" Johnny-"Father calls
himself carpenter, mum; but I'm
Gle John says he is jackass at all
trades"
"What is the key to this great mys-
terry of death ?" solemnly inquired the
orator, pausing impressively. And
the man in the front seat, who had
been coughing all the evening, husky
replied that he reckoned it must be
skeleton key.-Burlington Hawkeye.
ooh, by the way, dear, have you
congratulated Lily on her engage
ment?" asked Miss Flouncer of her
friend. ooh, yes; of course. I went
round yesterday afternoon. l told
her she couldn't have done better
and / don't think she could, the hor-
rid, homely thing."-Lowell Citizen.
The minister who opened the Su-
preme Court at Auburn, Me-, with
prayer the other day, closed his petit
ton with the words: "And at last
may we become dwellers in that better
land where there are no lawyers, no
Judges and no courts. Amen" This
seems to be rough on the legal frater-
{ nity.-Hartford Post.
"Guess we're all right now!" pulled
the old gentleman as, mopping the per-
spration from his forehead, he reached
the steamboat landing with his wife,
just in time to be too late; "guess we're
all right" "Guess we're all right, do
your rejoined she catching aglimpse
of the steamer as it disappeared around
bend in the river; "guess we're all
right! Well, / guess we're all left"
And they were.
|
Mrs. Brown-"Dear me Mrs. Jones,
are those tall young ladies really
yoursG / had no idea you had daugh-
ters grown up" Mrs. Jones (who is
still possessed of considerable person
al tion)-"Oh, yes! 1 was mar.
ried at 10, you know! And is that
young gentleman really your son'
+. "Mrs. Brown (who is also possessed of
ditto, ditto ditto)-"Ycs--a-I was
married at H."
Il One perfect diamond is more valu-
able than many defective ones. One
truth well fixed in the mind and COM
- pretended is better than many but