Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1882-11-16
Mnmurons department.

f;.ced individual sneaked in by the back door,
and skunk into dark corner. Z
THAT'S him, ,"said the ungrammatical bum
mer with green patch over his eye.
s'Who is it ?' asked several at once.
''Why, the chap who saved a train from be-
ing wrecked" was the reply.
''Come, tell us about it," they demanded,
as the small man crouched in the darkness, as
if unwilling that his heroic deed should be
brought out under the glare of the blazing
kerosene lamp.
After much persuasion he began
sit was just such night as this-bright
and clear-.and was going home down the
track, when, right before me, across the rails,
lay a great beam. There it was. Pale and
ghastly as lifelees body, and light as it ap-
peared, / had not the power. to move it. A
sudden rumble and roar told me that the night
express was laundering down and soon would
reach the fatal spot. Nearer and nearer it
approached till, just as the cow-catcher was
about lifting me, sprang aside, placed my
self between the obstruction and the track,
and the train flew on unharmed.'
The silence was so dense for moment that
one might have heard dew drop. Presently
somebody said
What did you do with the beam 20
II didn't touch it, he replied ''but it
touched me.''
.'Well,'' persisted the questioner, eff you
couldn't lift it, and didn't touch it, how in
the dickens did the train get over it ?"
''Why, don't you see 20 said the sad-faced
man, as he arose from his seat and sidled to-
ward the door, 'The obstruction was moon
beam, and 1 jumped so that the shadow of my
body took it's place, and"
Bang flew ham against the door ; and II
it had struck the body of the retreating hero
yl,pu1d a hIpDpr
spot frescoed on the panel.
TIE SCANDAL THAT DREw.-The vener-
able clergyman arose slowly in the pulpit, and,
gancing around on the thinly scattered con-
gregation, said in an emphatic tone, in which
there was more sorrow than anger:
''My beloved brethren, l am in hopes that
there will be more present next Sabbath, and
then I will have occasion to reveal a scandal
which has long oppressed my heart. 1t con-
Germs the members or this church very deeply,
and no one who has regard for eternal hap
piness should be absent"
When the benedictiOn was pronounced the
handful of people dispersed, but how much
good few can scatter The next Sunday the
sacred edifice was packed. There was, indeed,
hardly breathing room when the white haired
sage once more lifted his head above the pull
pit cushions, and silence as Of death fell
upon the expectant throng He stood mo-
ment looking upon the unwonted scene, and
then his voice in silvery cadences broke the
hush of the anticipation.
s'Dear friends'' he said, 'the scandal have
to reveal is this-you will gather in this place
in crowds to hear mischevious gossip but will
not listen to the inspired word. Now my
children, offer my resignation. 1 am going
to Europe for six months and shall pay my
own expenses"
But no one of the vast multitude took the
lesson to himself he applied it to his neigh
bor.-Drumnser.
OUGHT TO BE ARRESTED FOR PROCRAsTI-
NATING.-There is al old negro in Austin
who claims to have studied ''lossify outen
book Yesterday he went into the JUS
tice Court and said "Jedge, kin git dict
ment writ agin dat wuff1esS nigger, Pete 20
''What's he been doing?''
"He's procrastimator. He's been pro-
craStimatin'.''
''Procrastinating There's no law against
that
''No law agin procrastimation? Den what's
lie law fur? Amt procrastimation de thief
of time 20
'sCertainly, believe it has been so stated" ="
''Well, den amt Pete thief ~ ..-..
eyes, you might so construe it, but you
cannot convict man for stealing time"
''No, but when we hab got de proof on him
fur stealin' time, we hab de circumstantial eb-
idence agin him fur stealin' money, fur
don't 'dossify say dat time am money? Got
yer dar, .Jedge.''
And the old man went out chuckling to
himself ''Got him dar. Got de Jedge dis
time suah yer foot high. ."-1eras Sytinqs.
WASN'T HIM.-Ata Thursday evening pray
er-meeting, held in small town in Connecti-
cut, last Spring, a deacon felt it his duty to
rise and remark:
''Brethren, there are hypocrtes among us.
\ member of this church, who is in trade,
cheated me out of whole half yard in measur-
ing off a calico dress the other day.
A brother, who was in trade, at that moment
rose up to 60 out Several people looked at
him in a manner to convince him that he was
regarded as the guilty party, and he felt HIM
self forced to halt and observe
my friends, I am not going because am
guilty. but because l remember to have left
the barn doors open and the oat bin unlocked.
If Deacon Jones has been cheated on calico
that lets me out. keep hardware and gro
ceries, and if he hasn't weighed that keg of
nails he bought of me on Monday, he doesn't
hit within forty rods of my business -
A CLAIM ON HIS FRIENDsHIP.-'I under
stand,' said a Texan to an Arkansaw man,
'that you shot Bill Blukins.''
Yes"
"Well, continued the Texan. "Bill was a
friend of mine, and III have to avenge his
death. Are you armed?"
'sYou say that Bill was your friend 20
eyes, the warmest ever had, and Pm 60
ing to give it to you right here" and he drew
apistol.
oG
than that he was my brother-in-law."
"Oh well, then,'' said the Texan, returning
his pistol, 81 guess you hada right to shoot
him. didn't know that you had any claim
on his friendship
a. They are talking at the wedding break
fast about the outrageous conduct of the
bridegroom, who, with his bride, had just
driven off. He had positively lighted cigar
as soon as the carriage left the door, The
first bridesmaid was very indignant. "When
am married." she said, ''if my husband does
that shall knock the cigar out of his mouth, :"
and turning to the handsome best man at
whom she was setting her cap, she naively
asked ''What should you do then, Sir Reg-
naL?" I should not be there, Miss M'Ar-
thur was the quiet but pointed rejoinder
A LEGISLATIVE JOKE.-Some of 'em are
like Cousin John Thrasher's man who told
him he wanted to be doorkeeper, but cousin
John had promised to vote for another fellow,
and so to get rid of him he says: "Why, Jim,
did you ever keep door?'' No." says he
Ibid you ever study book Oh keeping Il
door % ~ never did," says he. "Well,
did you ever attend lectures in Augusta or
any where on how to keep a door ?" Of course
not" says he. ''Well, my dear sir, you had
better 60 back home and prepare yourself by
the next session and III vote for YOu.N