The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1882-07-21
NUMBER 4.
WIT AND HUMOR.

any other name.
1t was Longfellow who slyly described
the lady as wearing flowers ION the con-
gregatiOn side of her bonnet"
Advice to wives-Man is very much
like an cgg-keep him in dot water and
he is bound to become hardened.
"Ncver put off till tomorrow a bio
graphy that you can hire a man to write
to-day."-W +. Storey.
Sarah Bernhardt's theatrical exclama-
ton on welcoming her new husband
was; ITO arms; he comes; the Greek
the Greek"
She (encouragingly) - "Your step
suits mine exactly" He (nervously)-
$50 glad to hear you say so; know
am such bad waltZcr."
what is this man charged With"
asked the judge. with whisky, yer
honor" replied the sententious police
| man.
"Where are our girls?" anxiously in
quires religious exchange. We don't
know. We can't keep track of all the
girls in creation.
A Vassar college miss reads the pray
erbook response thus: "As it was in the
beginning, is now, and ever shall be,
world without men. All, me!'
Young lady, examining some bridal
| wells: "Can you recommend this one?'
Over jealous shopman: 'Oh! yes, miss.
1t may be used several times"
A mother, who fondly put the query
to her young son, What would you do
without mother, TomP" was dunn
founded with the reply: '.Do as like,
ma"
BY shimminy! how dot poy studies
GRAMMAR" was the remark Of n German
when his son called him .knock-kneed.
pigeon-toed, seven-sided. glazed-eyed
| son Of saw-horse."
'How to Secure Good Husbands" is
the title of an article in the New York
Herald, but as long as young ladies know
at what time trains leave for Chicago
the necessity for such an article is not
apparent.
Eugene, Eugene, will you still insist
on wearing the hair of another woman
upon your hcadp" "Alphonse, AL
phonse, do you still insist upon wearing
the skin Of another calf upon your
feet?'
Sophia (sentimentally) dearly love
to listen to the ticking of clock. 1t
seems to me that a clock has language
of its own. Mr.. Smart-Yes. Sophia;
the clock has u language-yOu might say
| q dialect.
Two housemaids strolling past brio
| a-brac shop paused to look at two chan
deliers in the Window fine eighteen
branched one and one of three branches.
(Which do you like better?" said the
younger maid. 1.-The three-brancher,"
said the veteran; sit is easier cleaned"
Eyes, this must be the ladies' cabin"
said young lady to her friend, as they
halted at the door of the cabin Of Full
ton ferry-boat, and peered inquisitivcly
in. "Why do you think sop doubling
" asked the other. 80. because there
are so many men in it." was the ans
wer.
| Uncle Eb entered the house of an an
cient maiden lady-'staid, tidy and dis
creet''-without wiping his feet. The
offended spinster exclaimed, did you
not observe the scraper ut the door. sir?"
"Yes'm," said Uncle Eb, land intend
to use it when go out"
Scene in n dental office: Present, q
dentist. and his pastor in the chair
Dentist Quitting a piece of rubber over
pastors tooth)-Now, for once, am GO
ing to bride you. PASTORAL right! Il
will keep my mouth with Il bride while
the wicked is before me-"
Mrs. Malloy-Shure, Mrs. McGinnis.
an it's rather poorly you're lookin' this
mornin'. Mrs. McGinnis -Indade, thin,
Mrs. Malloy, an it's good raison I'm
having to look poorly. Here's the post
man Just been to the door to tell me
there's dead letter waitin' fur me ut
the post office, an can't fur the life Of
me think who it is that's dead.
Love strikes snag: The pencillcd
light of the evening star was glancing
through the foliage ut the easement rs
she bent toward him and said, You re-
member that exquisite stanza of Tenny-
sons commencing, Trust me. Clara
We're de Vere?'" ayes, yes" he ans
wered, eagerly; II remember; but she
wouldn't do it; her father was pawn
broker" And their souls took different
paths from that night.
A truckman lost something on the
sidewalk, and, procuring lantern, be-
gan poking about in the snow in search
of it. "And phwat are you lookin' af-
ther?" asked an Irishman who was pass
ing. "Well, Pat" replied the searcher.
ave lost my character and am trying
to find it." ..Begorra, thin," said the
Irishman, "but yes must be afule to look
for so shmall thing rs yer character
wild such dim loight as that"
A gentleman was relating to friend
how party of young fellows got full at
wedding. He said one of them went
up stairs just braiding. The friend
said, .'Well, what in the world is braid
ingp That is q new one on me-" The
man who was telling the story said:
you don't know what braid is, Ell? He
was braiding three strands, two strands
of legs and one strand of bannisters.
| A suggestive color: A gentleman who
had been giving description of a
friends wife, but omitted all mention
of her hair, was asked the color of it.
His delicacy of feeling overcame him to
such an extent that it was several mo-
ments before he ventured to give any
answer, and then said, in very reluct-
ant way: 1T was that-that indescriba-
BILE shade which suggests the thought
that it would explode powder"
A nice-looking young man who seated
himself in well-filled North-side car,
held in between his bejewelled fingers
the stump of a cigar, giving out its dy-
ing fumes. They are not pleasant
odor, even to old smokers, and in this
case was specially vicious. One bright
little miss, dozen years old, saucely
remarked, so rs to be heard: IF he will
throw it away, will pick him up a
longer stump rs soon as we get up to the
park"
II see great many pictures of goats
hanging up in the windows lately" said
New Haven woman to her husband.
sis it q goat festival or something OF
that sort?' .NO, my DEAR" replied her
husband; ..it is-it is-well. it isl be-
lieve it has something to do with beer
or some such thing;'' and he tried to
look innocent, but it was no use. She
fixed her eye upon him and said: Il
saw YOU 90 into one of those stores,
and thought you'd know"
How Gilbert and Sullivan write their
comic operas togetheris described byMr:
Collier. ''They sit down and talk and
smoke innumerable cigarettes together"
he says, ..while they are getting their
ideas together. Gilbert says to Sullivan:
I've got an idea Sullivan screws his
glass into his eye looks at Gilbert crit
ically for moment. and says: Have
your really shouldn't have thought it
of you.' Il want the girl to sing some
thing like this, continues Gilbert. Make
it the man, puts in Sullivan; 'and, by