The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1882-10-27

Artemus Ward and the London Cabby.
Artemus Ward. the prince of humor-
lists. positively revelled in what think
he was the first to dub ..goak." Ire
member, late one night in the fall of
1866, Artemus. dear little JEFF Prowsc
and my humble self were left alone in
the club-room at Ashley's. Artemus
proposed an adjournment to the Al
hambra Prowse and self joyfully as
sented. Artemus asked jeff to charter
cab. The vehicle soon drew up. 1t
was a clear night, and the hotel and
street lamps shed bright light. which
gave us full view of the drivers face.
He was grave and stolid-looking, and
very evidently self-possessed. Artemus
seemed to study the mans features for
brief moment; then he intimated to
me in o whisper that he was going to
have a lark with cabby. Assuming q
grave air, which sat so marvelously well
on his face, he addressed the man in
slow, measured accents. my friend"
he said. you look to me man of
thought and experience. in fact, the
very man likely to decide most i'm
portant and most difficult question
which has arisen between me and my
friend there" pointing to JEFF, who
looked slightly puzzled. "Do you take
me? Will you be arbiter between us?"
Cabby looked so dubious at first that 1
thought he was going to say Cam
mon," or shut up" or something of
the sort. However, so wondrously in
tent did Artemus look, and so supernal-
ly grave was his manner that the mans
suspicious faded away from his face as
snow will under hot sun. He gave a
ha!f-grunt, then said briefly: "Fire
away. guv'nor, let's know watts all
about
"Weil," responded Artemus, with
slow deliberateness, weighing every
word, apparently. "Well. look We
here, now, my friend; that gentleman
there pointing again to jeff Prowse.
who, not knowing exactly how Charley
might choose to compromise him with
amayhap irate Jehu, began to give slight
signs of feeling rather uncomfortable
maintains that there is the divergence
OF contradictory opinions, which in the
natural logical sequence of reasoning,
and in the inferential conclusions of ar
gumentation, must in the final end in
evitably lead to conveyance, and con-
cord and harmony among people, and
bring about that most deyOutly-wished-
for cOnsumlnatiOn when man to man
the world all DER, shall brethren be
and a that trust you follow me,
my friendt" 81 follow you, guy nor;
fire away" said cahby, briefly, who ev-
identity was not quite clear yet what it
all could possibly be about. ''Now, you
see, my good fellow" pursued Arte-
mus, with increased intentness of face
and graver ponderousness of manner
and diction, II, on the other part,
assert, and mean to stick to it, too, let
gainsay who may"-with a ferocious
glare our way--"that it is contrariwise
and opposite, the conveyance of con-
current, concordant and coincident
opinions that must inevitably in its cor
Ollary and concomitant consequent
tial train of its outcoming results
lead to Emergencies, difficulties and
differences raising his voice to a
higher pitch, and frantically saving and
beating the air with his outstretched
right arm (which will make one man
jump at anpther's throat and strive to
stranSle him to DEATH" Then he pro-
ceeded. more quietly: '.Now, my
friend you cannot but admit that I
have placed the case fairly before you.
Now, please, give us your decision "
Cabby, who had apparently listened |
with much serious attention to this rig
marole, bent his head on one side. and |
with one eye shut. gave Artemus the
benefit # an inimitably droll look. Then
he proceeded with gravity of manner
equal to Wards and still more ponder
GUS slowness of enunciation, to deliver |
himself of the following oraculr de-
cision, which would have done honor to |
great Busby himself: ''Well, guv'nor,
it is a knotty pint and ard nut to
crack for the likes O. me: SEEM as
there is great deal to be said on both |
sides; and don't We think. now, guv'nor.
it's rayther dry question to settle?
Vich knowed from the first We vos a
gem leman, hevery inch O. you, guv'-
nor" Having said which he looked ex-
pectant ''SoldI' cried Artemus,
laughing. jumping into the vehicle fol-
lowed by us. ''You shall have your
liquor, cabby. Drive on. "-Reminis-
cenceS of an old Bohemian.