The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-12-27
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COMIC COMMENTS.

-Womans WORK: An honest man Is the
noblest pursuit of woman. Hartford
Times
An old habit Up in Missouri they are
just begiL ming to break themselves of the
habit of holding up their hands every time a
stranger enters the car. 7eeGs Sifttngs
What churches need: Presently some
enterprising church, awakening to the fact
that it is behind the age, will discard its bell
and put in steam whistle. Syracuse Her
aid.
She was sorry How could you think
of calling auntie stupid? Go to her imme-
diately and tell her you are sorry" Freddie
goes to auntie and says: Auntie, / am
sorry you are SO stupid. = Hartford Times
-Philanthropic: Over eighteen hundred
people get their living in Paris by making
ornaments and clothing for pet dogs. Every
family that really wants to help the poor
should keep pet dog. Boston Tran
script
Premature discharge: Hello, Jim
you amt out of work again, are your"
Unfaithful employe-" Well, yes; fact is,
I'm not able to work been injured by a
premature discharge. "-Louiscilie Courier
Journal.
Literary prosperity: The Chicago peo-
pie say that, talk as you may of culture, the
product of their pens amounts to more than
the income of all the authors of New Eng
land. Pig thing Boston Commercial Bull
zetia.
The higher civilization: ga law Just
passed in Denmark provides that all drunken
persons shall be taken home in carriages at
the expense of the landlord who sold them
the last glass;" Now, that is civilization.
Ne,o Haoen Register.
The difference: Some one has figured
that the expense of Congressional session
is 1928 per minute, while ward caucus can
be run for two hours with three tallow can
dies and some one to second the motion
Detroit Free Press.
Where ignorance is bliss A number
of Baltimoreans caught in an unlicensed
beer saloon swore that they did not know
what they were drinking. A good many
Boston beer consumers could truthfully SUBJ
scribe to the same declaration. - Boston
Transcript
Fishing item: A shark was recently
caught ON the coast of Southern California
and upon being cut open thirty-one little
sharks were found. Old residents say they
have seen nothing like it since the last CON-
mencement at the law school Chicago Ia'i-
bune
"A new Mrs. Malaprop; In suburban
town lives relative of the immortal Mrs.
Malaprop. The other evening caller asked
< Mr. was at home and could be seen.
81 think not" was the reply az believe
my husband has expired for the night."-
Boston Transcript
Always fashionable The tootbpick
boot is going ont of fashion, tbs said But
the broad, easy swinging boot worn by Wig
orous men of about fifty, with manageable
daughters, will never go out of fashion,
young man, never. Keep out of its reach.
Neio Haeen Register.
-" You write beautiful hand I wish
that had such hand, /" said Mr. Flasher to
lady clerk at the hotel ''Am l to con-
slider this as a proposal ?n asked the bright
lady. Well-er-yes- my wife is will
ing to let me of, replied the accomplished
FLASHER. Springfield Republican.
"A smart boy "No,s said the boy, I
have no rooted dislike for Mr.. Stebbins' dog,
but il won't do for me TO be seen petting it
at this season. If did and then anybody
robbed his melon patch he'd think | got on
good terms with the animal and then scooped
the fruit" Boston Post
An important "ifn; A father scolds
his son for his numerous youthful errors !:
Really, father, You were once young did
you never frolic 2" Never said the faith
er, with a melancholy sigh; when / was
young had no money, and when l became
rich il was too late. Paris Paper.
Natural supposition The Hungarians
have national dance, the csaidas," in
tended to represent the unquiet course of
true love" We have never seen the dance,
but presume the greater part of it consists
of an elderly gentleman kicking young
man of the front stoop. -Burlingtoa Hack
eye.
Advantage of wealth: A man with q
private library of twelve thousand books is
well fixed He isn't supposed to know any
thing and is never asked for information. 1t
is the man who has scraped together a doz-
en- volumes who is bored to death about the
population of London and the name Of the
undertaken who buried Diogones. Detroit
Free Press.
Must hear both sides: An artful jury
man, addressing the clerk Of the court while
the latter was administering the oath, said :
"speak up; cannot hear what you say"
"stop," said Baron Anderson from the
bench. Are you deaf?" "Yes, my
Lord, of one ear" "Then you may leave
the box, for it is necessary that jurymen
should hear both sides. London Society
Patience rewarded: Charley Smallface
has again left his memorandum book ON the
centre-table. Picking it up this morning we
read. my father says All things come
to him who win but wait heard that big
woman ma hates tell him that one day, SO
don't think it is original with him." Guess
the memorandum book had better be de-
stroyed.-Nep Haven Register.
-Satisfactory either way While the
convention was in session two ardent Rob
erts men met on the streets of Austin Ont
Of them, who is noted for his convivial ten
dencv. said to the other: "Suppose we
get up grand complimentary banquet to
celebrate Roberts nomination" "Yes, but
suppose he slips up on the nomination."
"Then let the complimentary banquet be in