Connecticut western news., 1882-05-03
WIT AND WISDOM.

is too Utahly Utah.
 SoNa of the cheese" Will you love me when I mould"
 A PINE tree that was cut down in Ore- gon, not long since, reminds one of Washington City. It had thousand rings.
 VITALITY may take the place of strength for time, but, like the water in cracked jug, it cannot last long, Rochester Express.
 A BALD.HEApED Harlem man, In an- ticipation of the summer season, has had spider painted on the top of his head to frighten off the flies.
 You are right in obiecting to the prin. ciple that the bull dog is entitled to the
 whole of the sidewalk, but if he wants it you'd better let him have it.-Boston Post.
 WHAT this age has thus far signally
 failed to produce is nice-htting, easy feeling, p-producing ear-pad, to be
 worn by married men who are given to late hours. ..-..s ELEPHANTS, 1t is believed, can be
 taught to play billiards. If so 1t will be
 great relief to young men who are
 now obliged to give up so much of their
 valuable time to this work.
 THE train robbers who went through Pullman car on western road lost
 money by the speculation, as the porter
 charged them more than they got frosn
 the passengers, in the way of fees.
 A MAN does his courtiug in private
 and seclusion. John Henry, as boy,
 goes behind the wood-shed to suck his
 orange. Not because he is ashamed of it. but because he warts it all himself.
 MIR. HIschoL1FF, of Massachusetts,
 has been fined for putting his arm
 around two young women. He probably
 won't waist another $10 this year.
 Louisville Courier Journal.
 A YOUNG man who went to the circu
 and stepped too near monkeys cage
 had his arm seized and savagely ierked
 by one of the monkeys. He would have
 escaped safely If he had not said: "lt
 is merely monkey wrench" but when
 they heard that, the infuriated crowd threw him into theAAon's cage.
 ANOTHER patent medicine man has struck big thing on advertisements. A
 half dose of his infallible cough mix , ture, diluted with half glass of water, , killed Philadelphia baby in twenty l three minutes last week. But you can bet money his medicine will sell like mining stock, all the same. -Hasokeye. CHAT BY THE WAY. SHAKEspEARE says, "The hearts of old gave lands" But our new heraldry is. hands not hearts. Ir IS a sad astronomical fact that during the terrible thunderstorm the other night the milky way became sour. WE have heard great many reasons given for second marriages, but none so irrefutable as thls: "It is counter irritation" ....... EVERY one should be charitable in , judgment. ':She is insupportable," , said Talleyrand. Then, fearing he had gone too far, he added, 'But it is her only defect" .... ...-.. Ir IS an old motto, "Be natural" That depends. It is just what most people ought not to be, and if the say ing doctrine of total depravity be true t it is very bad advice indeed. THE religious education of the young is terribly neglected in this country. 3 "Are you a Methodist ?" 'No, sir. 8 GA Presbyterian ?" "No, sir." "Well, 8 what are you?" "why, sir, if any thing, I am just little Episcopalian on , the mothers side" s Ir IS very fortunate that no one IS [. conscious of his own faults, however s sensitive he may be to those of another. il We are very like the Englishman who V said that, although he was Cockney, v he had long ago conquered "the 'abit |. of dropping his haitches. l." ,r MANY good people find themselves, tt sometimes to their own surprise, in the Q condition of the little boy who, on be-
 ine asked whether he would rather have
 Bible or Jew's-harp, hesitated a mos
 ment and then replied: "Well, if it don't
 make any great difference with God, l
 would rather have the w's.harp." 5 SOME people are able to give good
 reasons for their conduct and some others have no reasons at all. quick - witted boy who was accused of going in = swimming, the proof of which was that
 his shirt was on wrong side out, told 'i his mother that the shirt must got ~ turned while he was climbing over Q ~. fence.-Ne,U York Herald. ,a CHILDREN are sometimes philosophers ~, and just es able to draw an inference as a. older people. "Now, Willie, said coax Ie ing mother, "I don't like to take medi- av cine any more than you do, but just ', make up my mind to do it, and then dc ba it." The scion of genius looked uI through his tears and replied: "And, he mother, I just make up my mind that rt won't, and then don't"
 er DEATH comes in very strange ways w. and with unaccountable caprice some IT, times. MT. John Palmer, an actor le. while on the stage had just uttered th' he line, "There is another and bette ne world," when he fell and immediatel. he expired. And in I75s, Joseph Pater it son, another actor, was performing th he part of the Duke in Measure fo ver Measure" and had rendered the lines
 Il paoso, thus with life.