Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1882-10-13
Humor in the Campaign.

Mr.. President, ladies and gentleman | am
sorry / am not Il candidate, or the son of
one. am neither. am not even candi-
date by proxy. If were. how would love
to speak to You Of civil rights and uncivil
wrongs; of the grand old habcas corpus and
the Corpus Christi: OF the vox del and the
voX populi Of the sic scmpcr so dieth, ct
cctcra; also the two bears in loves loving
embrace. Ny blood fairly boils and bub-
bles 10 speak TO you of the tariff that great
bugbcar and imposition of the democratic
party, ably and earnestly assisted by the
republican, grecnback, L. r. u. and Whig
parties. The tariff has been pulled this
way, hauled that way and tortured the
other way until the whole fabric stands
pcrchcd upon one corner, and we are COM
PEELED to pay - cents for ) cents worth of
very poor whskcy. This is an imposition
upon the whole race, including negroes,
Cinnamon and women. By this nei;lrious
tarIfl SWlndlc the consumer is made to carry
the burden, providing always he has the
money lat ID cents Il drink 10 buy the burden.
Then there is another grand national ques.
tlon that shakes this earth from base to
dome, from sil! To ctIpola. and causes the
British lion TO roar with pain and weep with
humiliation. ;lludc to protection. All
men want protection. That's what VIC hire
our soldiers for; that's what we build our
grand navics for: and employ our police.
feed our big dogs and get married for. Man
can live without whiskcy, politics. camp
meetings, religion. and even storc-clothes.
but take away his protection and he is
done for; give him protection or he will
perish and emf CRATE from the face of
the earth. and the barbccucs that know
him now will know him no more forever
Without protection this country would be Il
bowling wilderness, q marauding mob of
lightning rod and book agents sandwichcd
between with insurance agents and temper
ancc lecturers, male and female. Yes nv
friends. we cannot survive unless our bull
Warks Of protection are made stronger.
stoutcr and more reliable. There is little
use in my taking up your time with dis
cusson of the finances Of the day. You
know more about money than do; at least
if you know anything about it you do.
honestly believe there is not Il man in this
audience but knows all about money. You
know how il Is made and how. sometimes.
ut least, il is spent.
! am an editor, and my knowledge of
money is therefore somewhat curtailed or
rather scattered among subscribers. know
that 1t requires cents 10 purchase Il glass
of beer. 10 cents % buy IL drink of whskey.
and ltO cents to make one dollar and some
mighty fine schcmng and llIl-grown and
abc-bohlcd planning to- secure IL dollar
without work. Beyond this my knowledge
"i finances Is limited. know that IL man
who has lots of money takes high interest
in the affairs Of life, and. ON the other hand,
one who has none is always Kicking because
his interest Is: so high. know that money
is the root Of alI evil, and the love of evil is
immense and constantly increasing know
that when i man has IL dollar he has IL
friend, and the more dollars the more
friends, and also know | havn't IL friend.
! think temperance is Il very good thing
also think Il glass of beer good thing.
This civil suffrage and female rights o1cs-
tion also demands attention am opposed
TO women voting. holding office. patronizinc
saloons, etc. Opposed to it because the life
of our American women is already cut too
briefly.
Opposed to ii because she has enough
trouble now.
Opposed TO it because she has enough sins
TO answer for.
Opposed to it because she is naturally a
weak sister
The women have no time to run about ov-
cr the country discussing the tariff. banks,
political and official economy. railroads, tenn
perancc, etc, etc. She is not constituted to
successfully carry water on both shoulder.
She cannot successfully drink poor whiskey,
smoke bad cigars, chew worse tobacco. re-
late vulgar stories, tell lies and SANDER the
other parties. On these grounds base nv
opposition TO female suffrage | do not feel
she can do these things and retain her beau
ty, purity, lovelincss, honesty and youth ::
at least she can't do them very MANY wears
and retain her youth. I am solemnlv i'm
pressed with the latter clause in this decla-
ration ofprinciples.
This, | understand. is IL political gather
ing, and my speech thus far has been like
Hamlet with Hamlet Off hunting for q
mother-in-law. will now endeavor to say
something about politicians. The politician
is clever animal-not quite so useful as
the cow or the mule, but generally little
better looking. My friends, the politician
is the only animal Moan did not take into
the ark with him and hs;intcrestng family,
when he was making collection of rare
curiosities. | have read the freight list of
that cargo very minutely, and have signally
failed to gnd Il politician waY-billcd for any
port But this is nothing strange; we are
told that Noah was cool-headed and saga
cous man, a man of much wisdom, and this
accounts for the fact that no politician Sc
cured passage. As the captain of that
craft knew full well if he admitted one, or a
pair of them, trouble would ensue. No one,
when they go out for quiet, pleasant time.
will even think Of taking one of these things
with them. Noah did not want to listen to
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