The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-02-01
FLOATING FANOIEs.

The man WIN the D1ggesC Watcn cndln
usually have a silver watch at the end of it.
Chicago girls never find it hard to elope.
They make rope ladders out Of their shoe
strings.
Advice to wives-Man is very much like
an egg kept in hard water he is bound to
become hardened.
"How many Carrie ges.. shall you want to
baul the grief ?" is. the way the undertaken
puts it in Deadwood.
The buggy-top bonnets should never be
worn at theatres until they are made so that
the tops can be turned down.
A newly-married couple were sitting in a
palace car, when she said, ooh, George,
amt you glad We're relatives now!"
General Sherman ought to be happy. Ten
deserters were recently captured. This in
creases the regular army fifteen per cent.
'You don't know how it pains me to pun
ish you," said the teacher. Il guess there's
the most pain at my end of the stick" re-
piled the boy, fe~elingly; "'t any rate, I'd be
willing to swap"
There is only one woman we know of who
can let other women pass by her without
looking at them to see whether their polon-
Asses are shirred in the elbow and cut bias on
the watch pocket. The woman in question
is a tobacco sign.
The Mother has made a Lap. The Boy is
in the Lap. He is Looking at the Carpet.
What has the Mother in Her Hand She
Has a Single in Her Hand. What will She
do with the Single? She will put it where
it will Do the Most Good.
A hardened wretch-"Does our talk dis
tub you p said one of a company of talka-
tive ladies to an old gentleman setting in q
railroad station the other afternoon. "No,
ma'am," was the naive reply, "Tve been
married nigh onto forty years."
ooh, missis,' exclaimed Bridget, as she
appeared pale and trembling, before her mis-
tress at 10 p. m. ; there's someone trying to
get in the front door," els q goat, Bridget?'
"No, num- us it Il woman ?" "No,
mum" lis it a man p Ives, mum p
Good looking ?" Eyes, mum ?" swell.
let him come in" The courage Of a true
woman never fails her.
A gentleman gave a party in honor OF a
distinguished mis- visionary lately returned from
his field Of work. The ladies appeared in
in very decuuette dresses, and the host feared
the style might shock his reverence, he opol-
ogized to him for il, saying that fashion de-
manded it. 'Oh, | don't mind it at all" re-
piled the missionary, Il have been ten years
among the savages.'
He had been introduced to a girl from
Boston, and together they paved aimlessly
through a broken-backed album. "And
shall you hang up your stockings 2" he in
quired, as they talked of Christmas. "Sir J"
exclaimed the Boston girl, drawing herself
up proudly and fixing her quivering glasses
firmly on her nose, ''let me never hear you
speak to me again" And she swept grandly
out of the room, while the young man went
and laid his astonished head against the
frosty window pane and turned sick to his
stomach.
A street gamin was overheard in a crowd
arguing chilly, how many Sunday schools
do yer belong ter now ? I've joined two till
after Christman." Billy replied "Well,
I've Joined three of those heavengelical ones
but if them Christmas trees don't pan out
more for NE this year than they did last, I'll
jine the Uuiversalums next year. They be-
lieve all fare alike and If any snoozer there
hangs a sealskin frock on the tree for his
girl, | s'pose they manage to give sealskin all
around. A pair of sealskin gloves would fit
me bully" After this speech the youngsters
dispersed.
Like lonely sailors on a foreign sea,
Without q compass and without a char,
Unhelped by all their lore of seaman's art,
Souls drift along the vast mystery
Of loves companionship. There cannot be
A solitude so painless as a heart.
No undiscovered iales lie so far apart
From him who seeks, as lie the thoughts that we
Forever yearn to read behind dear eyes
the dear eyes that we love, and love to kiss.
All, well! But one thing Watters to our bliss:
So long as loves sun goes not down, all skies
Are clear; all shores are fl. endly treasure lies
Or all; we shall not one sweet harbor miss!
- 4<GDAe Em
THE POOR.
Grand Testimonial Benefit Con cert in
Aid OF F. IL. Hayes.