The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-07-08
LARES AND PENATES.
BY JASON JEFFRIEs.

Ba JASON JEFFRIES.
had no especial desire to lecture for
the benefit of the Fourth Brick Church,
but one OF the deacons entreated me to
do so, and as had lecture written up
on the general subject of s.Home," with
the title ''Lares and Penates," [ con-
sented to deliver it, without any fee, in
the chapel adjoining the church.
As nothing was charged for admis-
sion, the purpose being to take up col
lection, the room was quite two-thirds
fun. took my seat in chair upon the
platform. and presently was introduced
to the pastor, upon whom devolved the
duty OF presenting me to the audience.
The good man approached the perform
ance OF his task with rather discourage
ing air of deep solemnity. He said, in
effect, that while innocent amusement
seemed to be encouraged, he questioned
the propriety of using it as a means of
getting money for the church. He con-
fessed to serious apprehension shat
the forthcoming discourse was of rather
q frivolous nature. For his part he had
opposed the scheme of having the lect-
ure, but he had been overruled, and now
he wished it to be understood that he
washed his hands of the whole business.
Then he invited me to come forward.
began the discourse and for about
five minutes l got along, 1 thought,
quite well. Then l heard some one
snoring. 1t was q snore expressive of
deep. intense, satisfying peace Each
snore was long-drawn, profound and
sonorous. The sleeper manifestly was
experiencing the most serene repose.
The sound annoyed me exceedingly. 1t
Calrnad a rafAcnfinF
After enduring it for awhile / caught
the eye of a man on the front bench,
and by nodding and contracting the
muscles of my. face indicated that /
wished him to rouse the sleeper He
arose and went over to the snoring man
and carefully examined him. Then,
without disturbing him, he came to the
edge of the platform and whispered to
me:
HE seems pretty comfortable Do
you want him for anything in particu-
lar?''
/ thought perhaps it would be better
to let the matter drop.
There were directly in front of me a
young man and girl who were evident
1y lovers. l saw him furtively squeez-
ing her hand two or three times, and he
became conscious that / was looking at,
ing his gaze upon me with an air of
deep interest in the lecture he began to
feel for her foot with his. Even with
my eyes upon the manuscript l could
see that young mans foot pushing out
to the right and sweeping all about in
search for her foot. She seemed to have
it tackled away far under the bench, for
he could not encounter it, although be
sat forward on the very edge of his seat
and thrust his foot underneath, until l
was really afraid he would lose his bal
ance and tumble over upon the floor.
But he loored stea;ifaStly at me during
the entire operation, although his face
was somewhat distorted by his exer-
tions.
The platform was lighted only by
gas. bracket upon the wall at the rear OF
the desk and / had some difficulty in
reading my sdanuscript, so after getting
sslaraugh with twenty or thirty pages
stopped and asked that the janiter, ifhe
wef:e present, woald turh up the gas a
little Bit. The ianiter attempted to do
so but he turned the key the WRONG way
and pnt the gas out. At once beard a
noise near to me as of o kiss, and i felt
that the young man had begun to. inn
prove his splendid opportunities. All
the Sunday-school boys in the. room
sshistled veheinently upon their fingers,
and it was with difficulty that the good
pastor could be heard urging that the
best thing to do would be to adjourn. A
deacon, however, protested that the col
lection had not been taken UP, and that
it would be little short of madness to
dismiss the audience. Then the janitor
crept upon the platform and asked me
to hand him match, and in a few min
ates we had the gas lighted and We're
ready for a fresh start. The man who
snored silent sweetly and snored evenly
all through the period of excitement
He seemed to enjoy himself thoroughly.
Then / came to the most pathetic ind
impressive passage in my lecture, and
In the very midst of 1t the snoring man
suddenly awoke and began to APP
plauds The audience joined him feebly.
excepting that. the young man on the
front bench clapped his hands vigorous
", possibly for the purpose of diyerfiDg
my attention from the fact that his foot
was resting at last lovingly upon hers.
But there was no applause when
read my concluding paragraph and
withdrew TO the chair at the head of the
platform. People aeemed 20 6eel re-
.lievetI. One deaeon took his stand at
AtfN HOOP. anu Two OtlfGfB @bbzAAbCfA zap ttio
aisle with the eolleetion baskets. They
began with me. Both came up and held
their baskets at me. and Icould notwell
avoid dropping something in one, for
the whole audience was looking at me.
One of the deacons before ieasing me
said:
II thought it was going to be hui
morous lecturer'
While the collection was taking. the
pastor rose and said he felt it would not
be right to permit the opportunity TO
pass To answer. upon the spot, the argu-
1Ilent advanced by the lecturer OF the
evening in favor of polygamy.
/ interrupted him to say that he had
mistaken my meaning. had not fav-
ored polygamy. What ! said was that
the law which eives a widow third OF
her late husbands property could not
operate where there were four widows
Of one man. TWAS, / saids kind OF q
jest.
But the pastor witheut deigning to
look at me. wcnt on to say that the most /
fnsidipus kinds of evil arc sometimes
disguised as tests. and then he proceed
esl 70 free his mind n msisA length
When he had concluded the people
walked s:le-ssy ont. turning t.icif he;ads
s,s.s.asiona.fs Il, look ut nle and to wills
r..sr lie results Of tllofr observation. No
bodv thanked me and 1walked down
stairs in q sullea, gloomy frame OF
mind.
m the street / passed two men who
.xere talking. One Of ths'm who had not
xfs.ssI -.ffff faff h..