Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1882-08-18

though p exclaimed her companion
"No; indeed I WON'T" she answered
Give got good grandmother. -"Sophy
il you don't be qniet, I shall have t,
whip you,' said the father of larg
family, who always left the disagreeabl,
duty of Furnishing the unruly to his wife
''Pooh |" CONTEMPORARY retorted the
little incorrigible he addressed, tossing
her curly head ''you amt the mother. -
"How old are you, my little man ?" asked
a gentleman of youngster Of three, Il
whom he was being introduced. "In
not DID, replied the little man; "Tn
almost new"
Toys retorts are, as may be expected
generally of the rude kind; as when {
woman said to youngster who had beer
impudent to her, Little boy, have you {
mother ?" "No; but dad wouldn't mar
ry you If there wasn't housekeeper il
the whole blessed land," was the reply
"Charley," said mother to her seven
year-old boy, "you must not interrupt
me when am talking with ladies. You
must wait till we stop, and then you car
talk. "But you never stop !" retorted
the boy.-Little Tommy was having his
hair combed by his mother, and he grum.
bled Mt the operation. "Why, Tommy
you ought MT to make such q fuss.
don't, when my hair is combed." Eyes
but yo,r hair amt hitched TO your head. y
Equally pertinent was the answer given
by great musical composer to q remark,
When a youth, he was a clerk to very
rich, but exceedingly commonplace, in
fact, stupid employer. One day, an &C.
quaintance commisserated the clever lad
on his position, saying, "What pity il
is that you are not the master and he
your clerk" 80 my friend" returned
the youth, edo not say that. II he were
my clerk, what on earth could 1 do with
him ?"
Even lawyers, with all their smartness
and assurance, don't always come off best
in wordy duel, An attorney said to an
lrishman, his client, why don't you pay
me that six-and-eight-pence ?" "Why.
faith, because do not owe it to you. u
.'Not owe it to me? Yes, You do it's
for the opinion you had of me-" "That'a
good, indeed rejoined Pat, "when !
never had any opinion of you in all my
life. Equally good was the retort made
to Serjeant Cookie by witness. In n
trial of a right of fishery he asked the
witness, "Don't you love fish, ''Ay,"
replied the witness, with grin; "but l
dunna like Cookie sauce with it,"
The Irishman who ON asking an intrud-
er in his cabin what he wanted, and re-
ceiving the ans Ser, Nothing" said he
would find it in the Jug where the whis
key was, had an equal promptness in a
New Yorker, whom an uncertain" ac-
quaintance addressed as follows: I'm
n little short, and would like to ask you a
conundrum in mental arithmetic" "Pro-
ceed, observed the gentleman. "Well," "
said the ''short' man "suppose you had
ten dollars in your pocket, and / should
ask you for five dollars, how much would
remain ?" "Ten dollars" was the prompt
answer.
"What do You mean by standing the re
with your hands in your pockets ?" asked
m employer, addressing rather indolent
workman. Nothing much 'spect you d
be making noise if had them in
yours replied the incorrigible. "Did
you get her photo. when you were away p
said one freshman to another. "Well-
ah the fact is" returned his compan-
ion, 'she gave me her negative"
"How did you learn that graceful atti-
tude?" said gentleman to an intoxicated
fellow leaning in mauling fashion
against u post. 81 have been practising
at glass; was the reply.-Remarkable
quickness Mt repartee was displayed by
an actor at the Bellville Theatre, when
some one threw the head of goose on
the stage. Advancing to the front, the
player said, "Gentlemen, if any one
amongst you has lost his head, do not be
uneasy, for will restore it at the conclu-
sion OF the performance.
Not many would feel In much humor
for joking, we should think, after the e1.
citement of catching n thief in ones
house, yet here is an instance to the con-
trary. A burglar was caught by gentle
policeman sent for at once. "You ought
to be grateful to me-, said the thief, ''in-
stead of treating me like this ere. l
only came i'll to tell you the front door
was open, and was afeared you'd get
robbed Excellent reasoning, no
doubt, my friend, said the householder ;
but on wrong premises, l fancy"
A lady who asked sailor why q ship
was called "she," received the ungallant
reply that it was because her rigging cost
so much. Equally smart was the reply
OF the sea captain who was invited TO
meet the committee of society for the
evangelization of Africa. When asked,
"Do the subjects of the king of Dahom-
ey keep Sunday?" he replied, "Yes, and
everything else they can lay their hands
on"
Perhaps as much presence of mind as
shown in any of the above instances was
displayed on the following occasion A
young gentleman getting into n railway
carriage happened to press the foot Of a
young lady, who was sitting next to the
door. The damsel, contracting her pretty
brow into frown, calculated. you
clumsy wretch" Many men would have
looked foolish and apologized but he
exclaimed, "NIy dear young lady, you
should have feet large enough to be seen,
and then they wouldn't be trodden upon. "
Her frowns instantly changed into smiles,