The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1882-07-06
How to Catch a Polar Bear.

81 do so pity those men on the Rodgers"
remarked Mrs. Max, passing the Major the
honey, which he always insisted upon having
with his rice cakes.
eyes, indeed replied the Major, who was
q trifle cynical that morning, having burned
his mouth with coffee Eyes, indeed, my dear,
the life of an. Attic explorer nust be hard.
They are SO isolated from the world. Just
imagine, if you can, the horror of living for
three years out of the dust and wind and fog
and rain OF our glorious climate; of not meet
ing all that time the man at your club who
thinks the ottener story is told the better it
is; of being without the consolation afforded
you by the busted stock operator, who knows
you are glad of an opportunity to lend him
$50; of being where millinery and Japanese
decoration stores do not daily intrap ones
wife; of being" :,
"Why, Major, how you do talk! was only
thinking of the horrid things the Rodgers
crew have to do to get their bear steaks"
"How's that ?" asked the Major, instantly
interested over the subject of steaks, which he
holds of much greater Importance than tie
Irish land troubles.
"What | know about it," resumed Mrs
Max. II read in a fashion paper, and it ought
to be true"
ut certainly ought to be, Mrs. Max, If only
on account of its old age"
"Well, the article said," continued Mrs.
Max, pretending to ignore the Majors slur on
her favorite reading, shat Attic explorers,
when they want to kill polar bear, plant a
big knife in the ice with the blade sticking up.
They daub the blade with blood, and the bear
comes along and ticks it and cuts his tongue.
1t is SO cold that he doesn't feel the cut, but
tasting his own blood, he continues to lick the
knife until his tongue is all frayed, and he
bleeds 70 death. Isn't it dreadful?"
"Quiet your fears, my DEAR" said the Major,
when his wife had finished. "That is the way
they killed the bear when the story was first
published, but IN the last twenty years an i'm
provement has been made which I will tell
you about, if you will kindly give me just .
drop more coffee, with cold milk this time.
The way the thing is done is as follows -
When Captain Berry, of the Rodgers, wants q
polar bear for dinner, he gives MIdshipman
copper bedspring and a chunk Of salt pork.
The Midshipman congresses the spring per-
fcctly fiat, wraps the pork around it tight, and
hold it SO until it freezes solid. Then the
frozen pork, stuffed with the bedspring, is
thrown out to the nearest iceberg, where it is
promptly swallowed by polar bear. When
the heat of the bears stomach thaws out the
pork, it releases the spring, which flies out,
and the bear dies. from pain in his side"
Major" said Mrs. Max, with much warmth,
II don't believe that story is true"
mo, my dear, and you won't until, in few
years, you see it in some fashion paper, and
then you will swear by it,"
A PARTY PLATFORM.-"Julia" wants to
know what party platform is" Well,
platform, Julia" is one preamble and twenty
resolutions, strong in non essentials, vague in
essentials round the bush on tariff, and rough
as thunder on the Mormons clamorous for
civil service reform, with reserved definition
OF civil service reform; down on corruption,
loud in its praise of purity, and determined to
have it if it takes every cent the party can
raise. The platform, you understand, "Julia,"
is legitimate and necessary part of the cam
paign pomp and circumstance; it goes along
with the banners, transparencies and torches,
and when the campaign is over-well, it is
stored away in the cellar or garrett, along with
the rest Of the uniforms and torches. "A cam
naipn nlatfOrm ia very much 1ike the carnnaipn
torch, indeed; it gives out a great deal of
smell and smoke with avery uncertain, flick
ering light. Burlington Howkeye.