Daily Los Angeles herald., 1882-05-09
FUN, FACT AND FANCY.

Erin-No. An Irishm an with glass
eye cannot become an American citi-
zen. Can't natural eyes him.
War is a great weeder out of surplus
population. We have no war on hand
at present to speak of; but baseball we
have ever with us.
A gentleman who was asked for his
marriage certificate quietly took off his
nat anu pointed to {, bald spot. The ev-
idence was conclusive.
A homely, but sensible Philadelphia
girl, who never wore big hat at thea
TIRE, has been married three times, and
on each occasion she married rich.
The Mayor of Cleveland stopped his
subscription to the Plaindealer and not
single earthquake followed. 1t takes
heap to start an earthquake out that
way.
A Cincinnati journal remarks that for
men to stand in front of churches when
the ladies are coming ont is small pota-
toes. As if there could be no small po-
tato mashers.
1t is really very little use teaching a
future great man penmanship. When
he gets to mans estate he is sure to
write as if he were drawing design for
a cobweb factory.
A New York rat catcher says that
American rats are decreasing in size
every year, and he thinks that another
fifty years will bring them down to the
size of mice. This country seems to be
degenerating in every way.
Mrs. Mary Durant of Elkhart, Ind,
blind for twenty-five years, claims that
her eyesight has been restored through
prayer, and won't admit that suspi-
cion that her husband kissed the servant
girl had anything to do with it.
The Norristown Herald says: ''The
New York journalist has good excuse
for not attending divine worship. A sim
gle pew in Grace Church costs $4,000 q
year. Thanks, we did not know exactly
how to get out of the scrape--Com.
Adr.
According to Professor Young the
total quantity of light emitted by the
sun is &, 5000, 600, 600, 600, 000, 600, 600, 900
candles. We never tried to burn so
many candles at one time, but it seems
a good deal of tallow. There is money
in these candles for some fellow.
Commendable habits: A iocose old
fellow declared that his wife told the
truth at least three times day. Said
he: ''Before rising in the morning she
says, oh, dear, must get up, but
don't want to- After breakfast she
added: Well, | suppose l must go to
work, but / don't want to- And she
goes to bed saying: There, have been
on the move all day and haven't done
anything,
What is known as "cheek" is, if re-
markable, charming, provided you are
not the victim of it. And this country
can show some amazing examples of it.
The ssory is told of an American visiting |
Montreal, who gave waiter silver |
trade dollar as fee. Said the waiter, |
sSir, did you intend to give me dollar!"
1 did. ''Well, sir, this coin is at a |
discount | can only take it for ninety |
two cents. Eight cents more, please"
'.You may talk about your mean
men, said one rustic to another, on the |
ferryboat, the other day, "but we've got
a woman over there who takes the pie
Kinder close, is she?" asked his com
panion. CLOSE! Why, last month her
husband died-fourth husband, mind
and i'm blamed if she didn't take the |
doorplate off the front door, have his
age added, and then she nailed it on his |
coffin. Said she guessed likely she'd be |
wanting a new name on the door soon, |
anyway. IS. +. i4ost
IF You are sellin thin chape to-day |
I'll buy wan" observed Mrs. Mullavey, |
pointing TO a group of plumb yellow
squashes. The huckster stated the
price. Mrs. Mullavey seemed so well
satisfied that she selected the biggest
one in the lot, settled the bill and
marched off With her prize. En- route
home she indulged in the following
sohloquy: 81 promised Dennis il |
he'd kape sober for week
I'd give him watermelon for his |
Sunday dinner. He's been as good as |
his wurrud, an faith I'll be as good as
moine."