The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-05-03
COMIC COMMENTS.


The test man is like an egg. You
ant tell whether or not he's good until he's
4 broken
Up and down: Ii is only when an
Irishman gets his choler up that he asks you
o tread on the tail of his coat - Somerpille
Jouaaol
Biblical: OF course Ruth wanted Z.
beau, but no one has ever been able to deter
nine why she chose such Boaz she did
Nemto1en Republican.
His opportunity No, / shall leave
my wife nothing" said old Grip, she's al
ways had her will, and now I'll have mine"
Louisville Courip-Jou,aal.
Monopoly defined Glass in definitions
-" What is monopoly" !" That rival es-
ablishment over the way "When is
monopoly not monopoly 2" " When II is
IN your hands - Boston Transcript
Admiration There is something
abont Pingrey that ADMIRE said Brown.
+" Yes, /" replied Fogg; there is something
about him that admire, too-something in
the morning paper, which says That he has
gone to Europe for q couple of years. ~
Boston Transcript.
No danger: Pathetic parent Ito scape-
grace som DIDO you want to bring down
your fathers. gray hairs in sorrow to the
grayey' scapegrace SON" No danger OF
that dad; you haven't got the hairs, you
know. Tile Judge.
Intention Sandy Farley (who has
Just put half crown into the church plate,
instead of penny, and who is not allowed
to take it back -" Weel, weel, I'll get credit
FOR twa an sax in heaven /" The elder
Ma, ma yen only get credit for penny"
London July.
Cheerful: Jolly looking beggar wo-
man recently entered shop in Dublin, and
asked the owner for charity. He shook his
head and said: " / am not able to give you
anything The woman, in a cheerful tone,
promptly replied .'Thank you, sir, and
may you long be in the same position"
Unfortunate A lady who had been
travelling in Italy was asked by friend how
she liked Venice. sob, very much indeed"
was the reply. 81 was unfortunate enough,
however, to arrive there just at the time OF
a heavy flood, and we had to 60 about the
streets in boats. --SprinQtield Republican.
An important matter: Jimmy Turf
boy is celebrating. The teacher has APP
pointed him monitor of the slate pencils,
and whether he shall thus be shelyed ere.
tired " from active raising the ''old Harry !"
with the rest of the boys or not is ques-
ton Present indications are that he will
accept. --Neao Hapeu Register
Literary jotting An English statisti-
clan calculates that every man on an aver.
age speaks fifty-two volumes of six hundred
octave pages per annum, and that every
woman yearly brings out five hundred and
twenty volumes of the same size in talk.
This is only another proof of woman's SUI
periority, as the suffragists would say. Chi
cGgo Tribune.
Value of experience A Celtic friend
was recently badly cut about the head in an
accident and bleeding freely, but he remon-
strated against having his wounds dressed,
when the surgeon told him he would bleed
to death if they were not attended to. His
reply was characteristic Docthur,n said
he, :" never bled to death in all me life.'
Richmond State.
"A confession: I've Ind that one boo
shine played on me" said Snifkins, "ant
l wish you'd show ii up. gamin Offered
to give me shine for nickle. l put my
left hoof up on his box he polished it, rap
ped on the side of the box and said Gimm
a MCKEE said go on with the other boot
N.a-a-w! said shine for a nickle. An
other nickel, boss, for the other boot
had 10 give it."--Boston Post.
Mourning at the White House: "Any
thing taken place today ?" asked Mr.. Ere
hnghuysen, as he walked in and elevated hi
boots to the top of the Cabinet table
Nothing" replied Mr.. Arthur, withou
looking up from the tantalizing pages Of tht
Patent Office report There are lots o.
fellows here who want to take one, how
ever" Thus doth the oasis of innocent
nirth tighten up the barren waste of ofiicia
fe-Boston Transcript
Unreasonable A correspondent asks
us how many men entered the Confederate
service. Do you think we were going around
from 1861 to 1869 with notebook and
pencil keeping tally Of Confederate soldiers
You are unreasonable, man. How would
you like some interrogatories of that charac-
ter thrown at you? What would you think
of us if we asked You to inform us how
many mince pies were made in the United
States during 1881 or how many aeas yell
low dog could support without personal in.
convenience p? Teras SJsings.