Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1882-03-03
De GOnenesS Of De Past.
Detroit Free Press.

Detroit krse Press
"What | was gwine to remark, said
Brother Gardner, as the rattling of
hoofs died away on the calm evening
air, was to the effeck dat Prof Janu-
airy Sunbeam, of Mississippi, am wait
in in de ante-room to address the
meetin' on the subjeck of De Gone
ness OBJ de Past De Professor am not
only known all ober de kentry fur his
theories on astronomy, but he am de
only man in America who kin skin
woodchuck in seben minits by de watch.
Sir Isaac Walpole, you an Givesdsm
Jones will put on your yaller kid gloves
an long-tailed coats an escort de Pro-
fessor into de hail."
In about five minutes the stranger
made his appearance and was greeted
with burst of applause, which upset
the water pail and filled the shoes Of
eight or ten of the nearest members.
On taking the platform he was intro
duced by the president, handed a piece
of slippery-elm to keep his throat
moist during his oratory, aud he then
began:
"My dear frien's, whar am de past
Look for it under de bed, down cellar,
up stars, in de wood-box, or whar you
will, an you cannot find it. Why?
Kase it am gone. 1t has slipped away
like streak O. greese runnin' across
de kitchen foo, an it will nebber,
nebber return. Sighs from all over
the hall. Do you meet Plato as
you go up the street? Do you fin
Cicero waitin' at de ferry dock? Do
you h'ar of Diogenes hangin' round
de Union depot to work de string game
on some greenhorn? Not any Dey
belongs TO de past and gone. Dey
sleep in the 6imness of odder cen
turies. Whar' am de glory of de
Roman Empire? Whar' am Caesar an
Brutus an Cassius? Let de dust of
de past answer. Much blowing of
noses.
my fren's the past am not the fucher,
any more dan day after tomorrow am
day befo' yesterday. As the time fades
so does glory fade. To-day you may
march at de head of de perceshun,
yer hat on yer ear, an red sash tied
aroun' yer body-to-morrer ye may
be in Jail fur borrowin' somebody's
woodpile to keep yer feet warm. (Sly
NlllhS XII ONOl l1G
ROOM Do not pIize de present too
highly-do not forget de warnings of de
past. We cannot recall de past, but
we can look back an see whar' de
grocer gin us short weight on Goldfish,
an whar' we took advantage of
cloudy day to pass tweEty cent piece
off fur quarter. Cheers and APP
plause.
"My hearers, we should not lib fur
de past, but fur de fucher. What am
1t to us as we riZ up i'll the mawnin'
wheder C@ser met his mother-in in law
at the depot or forbid her his house :?
What is it to us as we retire to our
humble couches fur de night whether
de orators of Athens creased DER
butes wild lard or went bar'foot? As
we sit on a box in de ally to consume
our MONDAY lunch we car not whether
Brutus dyed his goatee or was cleaned
shaved. Cries of mo, nolnI But de
fucher am big wild events. TO day we
may be full of sorrow. If so, we hope
dat de morrow bring clam chowder
Great smacking of lips. If de pres
ent am full of biles an chillblains an
heartaches, de fucher may be as bright
as a cats eyes shinin' out of bar'l on
dark night. Nebber look back on
de past. 1t am as much gone as three
cent piece paid out fur Fourth of July
lemonade. Nehber dispair of the
fucher. When de heart is heaviest,
de fire lowest, an work the skeecest,
you may find a lost wallet, or strike
| some butcher willin' to give credit.
LWhoops of applause. My fren's |
am dun. Thanking you severely for
your infectious distractions, ] prmu-
late to my seat wild oderiferous feelings
of concentration towards each an
cherry one of you"
During the wild excitement which
followed the close of the r.asterly
effort, Samuel Shin and Trustee Pull
back fell upon the hot stove in an en-
thusiastic embrace, and seven win
dows had to be lowered to let out the
odor of overdone mule stake.