The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1882-11-17
"aark Twain'' Cultivates Muscle-H0w
He Was Misunderstood.

"aark TwaIn'' Cultivates Muscle-How
He Was Misunderstood.
The genial humorist who sits up alone
an the peak Of East Hill, and from his
elevated perch looks down upon Elmira
fDr his inspiration in counting the comic
muse, has been somewhat out of health
this summer. Notwithstanding the fact
that he located his book factory six hum
dred feet above the city in order to az
.complish his bibulous paradox of being
high and dry at the same time, yet he
discovered that the pains and aches Of
malarial disturbance occasionally affiict
him full sore, reminding him of the fogs
and marshes of the Connecticut valleys
from which he recently took flight. Sit
ting one day at his study window. nurs-
ing little rheumatism, gazing far away
over the peaceful city lying below him,
and wondering whether there was one
man within its limits who could knock
the spots off him on a game of billiards,
he was interrupted by the arrival of the
family physician, who called to make .
friendly visit. Into his sympathetic ear
was poured the tale of the humorist's
woes, and after moments consultation
he remarked, Clemens, what you need
is exercised With look of gentle re-
proach, which soon changed to anxious
innocence, the hero of many an expert
ence of roughing it Tin pictures,) and
tramps at home and abroad ION paper.)
made reply: swell, that's right, that's
all right, but who's going to do it for
me? You see," he continued, s'the men
on the place are all busy and the chill
dren amt big enough to accomplish
anything. and" '.You must do it
yourself!'' was the professional stop put
to the demur. "Do it myself? How in
thunder do you expect-why, what can
do? There amt a good poker player
on this hill, and the hammock broke
down yesterday, so can't use that"
"No, no." interrupted the doctor, ''you
must have active exertive exercise; some
| thing that looks like work, you know.
| You can walk down town or swing
iumb-bells, or chop wood, Or" "Hold
on, you've struck it." exclaimed Mark.
.'T'll chop woodm '.Best thing YOU can
DO" said the doctor, rs he took his leave.
at brings into play so many varied
muscles, expands the chest, deepens the
inspiration and superinduces more
bountiful oxygenation by the b-lutiful
process of endos nosts and eyo5mosia,
and hence the red corpuscles -"
'.Here, have cigar" said Twain,
pushing box before him, land let up
on Moses" '.You mustn't smoke, you
know" the doctor said, as he picked out
aweed. "O!no, I've stopped smoking"
as he carefully placed sheet of copy
paper over three old stumps and brier
pipe; II found that it disagreed with my
family long ago" The doctor departed.
and Clemens. with the glow of renewed
health already shining in anticipation on
his brow, took one of the farm hands
from the harvest field and sent him to
town after new AK. He returned with
the tool, bright-bladed, sharp-edged, and
spent twenty minutes trying to explain
to the bewildered author why the handle
was made crooked, and that the red
label was only intended to advertise the
makers name. "Well, but didn't they
send any directions with it?' was the
anxious inquiry. .How do you suppose
an inexperienced person can load and
fire that thing without ruleS?" Finally,
thinking he had the hang of the thing,
Clemens had the man hitch up and drive
him up the road about mile to piece
of woods, the Ak carefully wrapped in an
old coat, SO that no one should be hurt by
it, The members of the family went
with him to look for flowers and berries
while he chopped Arriving at the de.
sired spot he carefully took out the ak.
lnwrapped the old coat, and laid the
tool down beside the stump of a deal
pine. The family wandered away,
picked one or two flowers, and then
fastened back, rs they heard him shout
ING their names. live done enough
for today he said, as they came near.
They saw four blsters on his hands and
piece of new leather shining on one of
his boots, but no wood lying around.
However, they said nothing. and went
home, the hired man carrying the AK.
That evening, sitting on the piazza,
applying arn;ca to his hands, he said:
..It's hard work, but I'm going to keep
it up! It's splendid exercise, and just
see how it has built up other great men!
Why, you know, Greeley prolonged his
life many years by chopping ut Chappa-
=, ,
ing things hot in Egypt only by reason
of the beneficial results of an hours
chopping every day. You just wait Il
month and see me! I'll be able to fight
rug Wilson and row Courtney and out
talk Beecher.''
All this was several weeks ago. Only
a few days since Clemens noticed his
new axe lying where he had left it on his
return from his initial trip. its bright
ness changed to reproachful rust. Con-
science smotc him. He would resume
exercise. He would attack anew the
monarchs of the forest. He would ac-
quire muscle. So he boldly marched for
the same piece of woods and began OPP
erations on the old pine. But few
minutes had elapsed before six-footer
appeared before him. and the following
colloquy ensued: " Now, you skin right
out O here, dunn quick, young man!
These is my woods, and you'll learn to
let folkseS property alone after I'm
through with We! Git nowr' Searching
on his forehead for an imaginary bead
of sweat. Twain glanced obviously at
the enraged bucolic, and said: :. Well.
INSTRUMENTATION matter
with you?" Matter, I'll show We, dun
We! Tryin' to steal my woodr' ..But.
my good man, don't want your woodr'
Then what are you cutting it for?'
"Why, for exercise, that's all. The
doctor said" 80. that's too thin.
Exercise! You look like a man that
would do anything for exercise. Now
with renewed enerpy), Won get right |