Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-12-18

1t isn't always the flower of the family
that makes the best bread.
The devil always either comes himself
OF sends some one when you call for him.
81 give you my word that I'm speaking
the TRUTH" said a man to his wife, ''Of
course, you give me your word,'' she re-
torted bitterly, ''because no one else will
take it"
''He cometh not" she said, and she
was quite right; he didn't arrive. His
intentions were all right, but they failed
to successfully combat the bulldog that
was screened in the moon-kissed shrub
berry.
''What is the difference between the
youths and the minis department at the
big clothing shop?" asked an Irishman of
a friend. Receiving no reply, he contin-
ued, Because at the one buys my clothes
and at the other clothes me b'ys."
clergyman that the latter's little boy was
throwing stones at the neighbors house.
| 81 don't know what to do with that boy, -
said the clergyman; "the devil himself
can't break that boy of throwing stones.
I've tried it faithfully.
Doctor to an acquaintance-''M
Jones, 1 am glad to see you have recov-
ered.' Mrs Jones-''Yes, you have saw
ed my life, how can ] thank you suffi-
ciently9" Doctor-''I saved your life?
Why, l didn't attend you" Mrs. Jones
Eyes; and that is why 1 am so CRATE
full
"What is yacht?,' we inquired of a
long, gaunt colder, who was lounging
about the wharf. ''What's yot?" said
the fisherman. ''Well, you get any sort
of craft you please, and fill her up with
liquor and seegyars and get your friends
on board and have high old time, and
that's yot.''
story is told Of a cool Bostonian when
undergoing cross-examination. Gen.
Butler had badgered him numerically
and finally said with mixture of solem-
nifty and fierceness, ''Can you look me in
the eye and repeat that?" The witness
looked at him moment and asked quiet.
ly, (which eye?"
''Did you see dat hoss you was talkin
of buyin'?" asked one Austin darkey o.
another eyes, seed him." ''Did you
buy de hoss?' ''No l didn't buy him, be
kase dar was no mutuality." ''What dc
yer mean, niggah?" ''Dar was no mutual
ity. I seed enuff oh de hoss, but de hos.
didn't see enuff OBJ me. He was blinn il
one eye. Oar has to be more mutualit,
in hoss trade"
A gentleman Sauntered into a larg,
dry-goods store in the city of L few
days before Christmas, and remarked cas-
ually to the attentive clerk, 81 wan
something for a Christmas present 70
my wife. What have you got?' Tn
clerk suggested various things, but tn
customer seemed not quite satisfied. A
last he asked, ssHave you got any cottol
cloth?' "Certainly SIR" 81 need som
new shirts. How much cloth does it tax
for shirt?" ''About four yards ssWell
!, let's see. l want eight new shirts
Eight times four are thirty-two. I'll tax
5 thirty-tWo yards" The gratitude of th
wife at receiving as Christmas presen
/ the cloth for eight new shirts for her hus
band can be better imagined than dt
scribed.
Hon. Thomas A. Hendricks having rt
covered from his attack of alleged ''st
nile gangrene,' a good story is told 8
the expense of his medical attendant.
On the very day which his doctors ha
set for his departure from this mundan
sphere blunt old country doctor calle
to make farewell visit After pathe
thought he would like to take look
the 'sgangrene'' that was to end his illu
. trious friends life. He did so; stared ;
y it open mouthed for a moment, and the
with derisive grunt and an indignan
humping exclamation roared out, ssNotl
ing but a boil!" Surely enough, NJ
Hendricks was soon rushing along ii
high road to recovery, and the able phi
sicians who attended him are keepir
moderately quiet.
Perhaps no medicine is so universally required a
good cathartc. Swaynes Pills prepared express
a. meet this necessity, being composed of purely
to etable ingredients Of which podophylln mandra
e. sarsaparilla, yellow dock and other concentrai
IL Juices enter largely into their position the VIII
e, .., . -. :. .;.o,,, =,