The times. (Owosso, Mich.) 1882-1897, 1882-08-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

ton of coal.
The goat, it is well known, is fond of
tobacco, but he freely gives. away his
butts.
In SANDER suit in Oregon the court
held that ian honest man is man who
won't steal firewood on cold night"
Is it runaway match in the insect
or animal world when you see one ant
elope with another?
Prize fights are becoming very fire.
quent. This may be called revival of
the old style of pound parties.
mo, you don't; you must pay as you
gor' exclaimed the landlord, as he
caught an impecunious boarder trying
to skip away.
A Dutch Judge in Nebraska on con-
viction of culprit for having four
wives, decided: "He hash punishment
plenty; I IFS NIT oner'
Sawmills were first used in Europe in
the fifteenth century. Before that, a
man who swore he lost his leg in the
army was generally believed.
We see an article in the papers about
boy inventors. We hope they will in
vent boy who won't whistle on his
fingers and yell on the streets at night.
A North Carolina couple were mar
ried in diving-bell. They probably
wished to have some experience in cold
water before getting into hot water.
Home, Sweet Home" is the last
thing played at the Presidents recep-
tons, and when the music begins the
guests take the hint.
A skeleton was recently discovered in
an Arizona cave, and a local cores
pendent thinks it is the remains of the
United States Army.
"Who shall decide when doctors disa-
greer" We don't know who should,
but we know that the undertaken gen.
orally does.
''You ought not to say that the man
sold his vote, merely on suspicion"
"Well, don't exactly allege it on sus-
picion. The fact is, l paid him the
money"
A good reason. Irish witness (for the
defense)-'Is it myself that UNDER
stands the nature of an oathp Faix, and
/ ought to; haven't l been twice tried
Tor perjury ana convlcted!"
1t is said that Victor Hugo's desks are
full of unpublished manuscripts. 1t is
presumed he doesn't preserve the ''re-
spectfully-declined'' notes which &C
company their return.
"Yes," said fresh arrival from Be-
die, the other day, "the girl l married
up on the lode last month is perfect
lady, sir. / don't suppose I've heard
her swear real hard more'n twice this
spring"
Bedsteads with looking-glasses over
head are things of the past. If man
cannot tell when he wakes up without
looking in a glass to be sure of it, he is
in condition that cannot be helped by
furniture.
You can travel around the world in
lightweight days at an expense of eight
hundred dollars; or you can travel
around the square for nothing, and be
eight hundred dollars ahead for a pa
cling horse and red cutter next winter.
An Indian clergyman delivered his
sermons in rhyme. His congregation
prefers them that way. They sleep
much sounder, and leave the church
much more refreshed, than after listen
ing to prose-y discourse.
When stranger in San Antonio asks
the names of the leading citizens, he is
handed newspaper supplement con-
tanning the names of delinquent tax
payers whose property is offered for
sale.
Little Grace has been told that it was
impolite to take the last biscuit on the
table. The other morning at breakfast
she was observed to gaze long and earn
estly at the solitary biscuit on the bread
plate. The temptation at last proved
too great. Reaching for the coveted
morsel she exclaimed: "Oh, mamma,
Use almost 'tarved l dess won't be
polite to-day, I'll wait till some day
when I amt too hungry"
"Have you had your ears pierced?"
asked q young lady of her chum, who
lived next door. IL should think So"
was the crushing reply, clearing you
sing every day." There is now a great
gulf of GOODNESS between the two"
A Denver paper processes to think it
marvellous that a man whose brains
WcIO hHOChcu OuJ is SClll living. III n6
were out this way he would not be only
living, but he would be holding some
important office.-Loaisville Courier
Journal.
"Well, WE'LL" said Ellington, majes-
tically, 1--WE mustn't be too severe on the
young fellows. suppose was as big
q fool as any of them when was
young" EYES," replied Fogg, "and
you are not an old man now, Billing
ton. "-Boston Transcript.
A religious tract, called ''Put Not
Your Trust in Princes" was thrown in
to the saloon of a simple old German.
He read the title, and soliloquized:
"Vell, l don't put some drust in Brinces.
Dey must pay der cash in his shop
chust der same as vite mans"
During the last illness of the old Mon
ey-getter friend called to see him, and
expressed his sorrow at finding him fail
ing so fast. Eyes yes" said the old
gentleman, despairingly, ''the doctor
says can't live more'n week. If /