Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1882-01-25
SPICE AND ALLSPICE.

Bulletin.
A New YORK broker says Oscar Wilde
is straddling the market short ON
trousers and long on brains.
IT is suggested by the New York Com
mercial that the hens are the lay-mem-
bers of the barn-yard conference.
The new London journal for women
is called "The Fan" The shrewd pub
Usher thinks every lady will open one.
The country boy yearns for town life.
At home he can't get any rancid butter,
swill milk, decayed eggs or leathery
beef.
THERE are no pumps where the cocoa
nut grows, which, perhaps, accounts for
the milk III Cincinnati Saturday
Night.
emo, ] shall leave my wife nothing"
said old Gribbs, "she always had her
will, andnow I'll have mine. '-LouisvilIe
Courier Journal.
A YOUTHFUL Pennsylvania granger,
about to be chastised by his father,
called upon his grandfather to protect
him from the middleman.
NOWADAYS, when man wants absolute
seclusion he hires hall and hangs out
sign that walking match is in progress
inside. Times have changed.
"CHARITY vaunteth not itself, is not
pulled up" and yet some men expect a
puff every time they give dollar to an
INDECENT old woman's society.
AN exchange says the difference be-
tween hungry man and glutton is,
"One longs to eat and the other eats too
lopp - TTnorEo,fe
FORCE of habit: "Stop the press!"
the editor frantically shouted to the
young fellow who was hugging his
sweetheart. Elnairn Free Press.
A LITTLE girl, on being told something
which greatly amused her, vowed that
"she would remember it ali her life, and
when she forgot it she would write it
down."
The dentist should be good oarsman.
He is used to pulling in single sculls.-
The Judge. This joke is too thin,
because it is tooth out.-Steu6enUiIte
Herald.
ONE of our policemen who had been
laid up with a sore hand remarked that
while he had a felon on a finger, he
couldn't lay finger on felon.-Bo8ton
Transcript.
Two highwaymen recently stole a New
York editor pocketbook and then dashed
toward the ferry. They were of course
enough to cross.-N. Y Dispatch.
A TELEGRAPH man went to concert.
The violinist played very nicely, holding
the audience spellbound, until suddenly
a string snapped. The telegraph man
shouted: "Wires down, by Georgel'
The New Orleans Picayune believes
that psalm tunes should be played on an
upright piano. Which suggests that
Masonic music should be played on the
square. Boston Commercial Bulletin.
A NoRRrsTowN second hand furniture
dealer has a toy said to have been made
by George Washington. This reminds
us that Philadelphia dealer has soap
bubble blown by George when 8 years
old.-P'halodetpIaiG Meas.
"PAPA, why do men always wipe their
mouths off with the back of their bands
after coming from behind the green
screen ?" "That's the sign of the order,
my son." replied the wise parent
Lockport Union.
A WOMAN has suggested that when
men break their hearts it is all the same
as when lobster breaks one of his
claws-another sprouting and immedi-
ately growing in its place.-OiI CITY
Derrick.
'FSHoULD man shave up or down ?'
asked Augustus. "That depends" re-
piled the barber. s'When [ shave you,
for instance, I always shave down."
The emphasis on that last word nearly
broke Augustus heart.
A MAINE man who didn't care two
shakes of a lambs tail about the news
paper, rode fourteen miles through a
fierce snow-storm to get a copy of a
weekly that spoke Of him as ''prom-
inent citizen. y Waits.
THEY have found king who reigned
in Egypt more than century before
Abraham. He's dead. He's mummy.
He's not pretty mummy now; but
pretty mum he is, now.-NOrrSstoaOn
Herald.
A PRUDENT theatrical company tele-
graphed to Springfield, Mass, to learn
if they would be safe from smallpox in
that city. The city physician replied:
sour patients arc all safely lodged in
the hospital, and none of them care to
attend your performance.
TYNDALL's theory that heat is simply
motion in another form must be true.
Strike piece of iron and it becomes
hot. Strike man and he Immediately
boils over. There is, however, one ex-
ception to this rule Strike warm
friend for short loan and he at once be-
comes as cold as an iceberg. .aladez-
7oHia Meas.
A FEW things for the chronic GROWER
to remember: That the conductor is as
much interested to have his train on
time as you are; that the brakeman has
number of things to think of besides you
and what you want; that the baggage
master cannot spend as much time and
care in handling your trunk as you do in
swearing at him; that the directors prob
ably know more about railroads than you
do, and that the road would quite posi-
IL