davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Opera-slass whisley Flask.

The latest thing out, and certain
ly a thing that will fill want long
felt, is an opera glass that will hold
a half pint of whiskey. 1t is, in fact,
a whiskey glass, with lenses and
things ike an opera glass, and a
person can taae drink without go
ing-out between acts. 1t can be used
as an opera glass with or without
taking a drink. If you want to take
a drink there is a spring that you
touch with the little finger, when a
silver tube drops into your mouth
and the whiskey flows as easily as
possible. 1t works best when you
point the opera glass up in the gal
lery because that act gives it the nat
ural incline. Quite number Of
these opera-glasses are said to be in
use, and they give excellent satisfac-
ton. A party of four gentlemen had
one between them at the theater one
night, and thought they have been
regular corn-jammers heretofore, GO
ing out between the acts with unfail-
ing regularity, on this occasion they
did not go out until the third act,
when the opera glass ran dry. 1t
was amusing to see them take turns
with that opera glass, looking up in
the gallery at some imaginary ac-
quaintance. One would take the glass
and look up and takea drink, and bow
TO somebody Up stairs, and hand
the glass to another and he would
look up. The last one to drink out
Of it came near giving the whole
scheme away by shaking it when tire
fused to give down. After the last
drink the gentlemen sat down in
solemn silence for ten minutes, and
then they could stand it no longer,
so they got up and filed out for
drink. Ii was evident that they got
it filled while out, because they
again began looking at the fellows in
the gallery. If this opera-whisky
glass-Aask comes into general use it
will save visitors to places Of amuse-
ments great deal Of annoyance, as
there is no greater nuisance at a
theatre than gang of fellows get
ting up and plowing through an au-
dience to get a drink. Quite num-
Der of ladies have been noticed look
ing up in the gallery with opera
glasses, but we cannot think they
have secured these new TASKS. How
ever, if they have not, they had
better be careful about looking up
nigh for a time, for fear people VIII
misconstrue their motives.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Ten Cents a Shot.

Thirty five miles out of Charles
ton we side-tracked to let the ex-
press 90 by and the train had scarce
iy come to stand-still when some
one raised the cry of alligator y
There he was, sure enough. Just o.
yer the fence was pond of stagnant
water at the edge of a corn-field, and
reptile about six feet long was rest
ing on a log and taking things pow
erful easy 4 score of passengers
jumped down and dozen revolvers
came into view, but before a ham
mer was raised a fat and puffy man
who hailed from Wisconsin and who
was making a trip for his asthma
cried out: Hold on Hold on,
everybody! Give me shotia. that
gator and I'll buy the drinks for
half the State ofSouth Carolina We
fell back to give him a show. He
had a revolver about as long as your
thumb, and he crept to the fence,
rested it on rail and after a great
deal of wriggliug and twisting and
coughing and wheeling he blazed
away. The alligator Topped off the
log and disappeared and the fat man
threw down his pistol Jumped up and
down and yelled out:
''Plumb-centre, or I'm a goat.
Hoorayl Hooray !"
We were patting him on the back
and telling him that Wisconsin was
the greatest State in the Union, when
a colored man came down through
the corn to the edge of the pond and
called across:
which Of you all am doin' dat
shootin'?"
Me. Me- | killed him," answered
fatty.
who was you shootin' at-me or
de 'gator?"
AT tie gator"
'0h, you was, ell Wei, dat's only
ten cents shot, but / can't have you
boGerin' me fur less dan fifteenl If
you want to pat in de odder five
bullets I'll call it fifty cents!"
And as he started to come around
the pond the old reptile erawled out
to the first row of corn and pillowed
his head on a sod. as if weary of
life's tribulations. The fat man
looked from the darkev to the alliga-
tor and then back at the crowd, and
all he said was:
Boys, fall in by fours, and we1l
march up and swaller barrel and all p
Free Press.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Guiteau's Death Warrant.

WASHINGTON, August 2.-The
death warrant of Charles J. Guiteau
was returned to the office of the
Clerk of the Criminal Court to-day,
indorsed as follows 81 John s. Crock
er, Warden of the Jail of the Dis
trict of Columbia, do hereby certify
that by virtue of the within writ |
did proceed to carry into execution
the sentence Of the Court as direct.
ed, and did cause the within named
Charles J. Guiteau to be hanged bv
the neck until he was dead, between
the hours of II M. and 2 p. NJ. of
the said Both. day of June, A. d.
1857, within the walls of the Jail of
the said District of Columbia. as
then commanded"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16

Humorists do not always write to
excite the risibles. and when they do
write in solemn strain something
is said that reaches the tenderest
spot OF the human susceptibility.
Bill Nye. one of the greatest humor-
lists that ever lived, wrote the follow
ing eloquent lines:
"A late editorial paragraph states
that the father Of Zoe Watkins, the
girl suicide. "could not muster
enough courage 10 look upon the
bloated corpse.
l. il courage alone that man
needs In order TO look upon the dis
torted and discclored features of
his dead child ? Is il cowardice
that makes 8 man deny himself
horrifying glance at the unnatural
face of his drowned daughter? We
think not. The false idea that we
must shock our memory Of the be-
loved dead, by taking what is called
last look, is one that viii not al
ways have the hold il now has upon
humanity.
"The father wished 20 remember
his child, not as purple corpse, but
as the little girl who in years gone
by climbed upon his knee and told
him with childish earnestness of the
illness of her doll, or nestled in his
strong arms and merged her own
little sorrows into oblivious sleep,
Blessed is the memory that is
unscarred by the horrible nightmare
of disfgured and unnatural features
OF the cherished dead. Dream on,
thou stricken heart, of the June
days, when years ago, your child
was blessed with her joyous hfe
when in the glorious morning of
existence, evil days had not come
nigh her. Let the healing balm
Of Fastening years close up the
bleeding wound in your heart, and
leave the ghouis who feed upon hor-
rifying visions the demoniac joy sof
looking upon these sad, sad sights.
1T is not necessary that the low
ing parents heart should curse it
self with this falsely imposed duty.
Let the pure vision of an unclouded
childhood hide the bitter memory
of loss, so that the chilling details,
and the shocking realities of a cruel
death may fade into the thought of
glorious transition.
THE day will come when the
mawkish show that crowns death
with false and foolish tribute win be
omitted, aud the merciful bosom OF
earth will hide the ghastly remnants
OF loved ones from our eyes. When
that time shall come the morbid
idiot whose chief Joy is to peer with
glittering eyes and dissemb!ed sor-
row into the casket wherein his
neighbor's dear ones lie, will glide
noiselessly into the Egyptian night
of Gods curse and eternity's oblivi-
on"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Rernernber This.

Ifyou are sick Hop Bitters will
surely aid Nature in making you
well when all else fails.
If you are costiye or dyspeptic, or
are suffering from any other of the
numerous diseases of the stomach
or bowels, il is yonr own FAULT il you
remain i'll, for Hop Bitters are a SOW
ereign remedy in all such COM
plants.
If you are wasting away with any
form of Kidney disease, stop tempt
ing Death this moment, and turn
for a cure to Hop Bitters.
II you are sick with that terrible
sickness, Nervousness, you will find
Balm in Gilead" in the use of Hop
Bitters.
II you are frequenter, or resi-
dent of a miasmatic district, barri-
cade your system against the scourge
Of all countries-malarial, epidemic,
bilious, and intermittent fevers-by
the use of Hop Bitters.
If you have rough, pimply, or
shallow skin, bad breath, pains and
aches, and feel miserable generally,
Hop Bitters will give you fair skin,
rich blood, and sweetest breath,
health and comfort.
Ia short they cure all Diseases of
the Stomach, Bowels, Blood, Liver,
Nerves, Kidneys, Bright's Disease.
$500 will be paid for a case they
viii not cure or help.
That poor, bedridden, invalid
wife, sister mother, or daughter, can
be made the picture of health, 10y a
few bottles of Hop Bitters, costing
but a trifie. win you let them suf-
far2
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Three Women in Court.

There was jury trial in Justice al
ley the other day, in which nearly q
dozen people, liveng in the western
suburbs, were mixed up as plaintiffs,
defendants and, witnesses. 1t APP
peared that Mrs Blank borrowed a
wash-tub of Mrs. Brown, and while
IN possession of the borrower q COW
knocked the bottom out. After a
neighborhood quarrel, suit was
brought 10 recover the amount. Mrs.
Blank thereupon put in as an Offset
that she had nursed the plaintiff for
three days and received no pay.
Nurse me p echoed the defendant,
why she did nothing while she was
there but hog down custard pie and
:attle about the neighbors."
"Custard pie and who lent you
the sugar and eggs and lard to make
it,' shrieked the other.
His Honor put his foot down and
patched up a temporary truce and
the plaintiff took the stand to testify
about lending the tab and what it
was worth. She established the val
ue at seventy-fve cents, and here the
defendant boiled over and exclaim-
ed:
'Seventy-fve cents ! Why both
ears and the top hoop were off! 1t
was the only tub she had since her
marriage, and that was ten years
agow
"And I've had to lend it 10 you
every Thursday all hattime retorted
the plaintiff
His Honor secured silence in the
court and the defendant took the
stand and said that her services as
nurse were worth at least two dol
lars.
What allied the plaintiff ?" asked
the lawyer.
We'll, ! don't know as | ought to
say that her husband struck her
with"
Don't you dare say that !" inter
rupted the plaintiff, you know that
| fell down the cellar stairs If nv
husband hit me on the head with
meat-platter, as yours did, | p'--
His Honor pounded the desk un-
til everything ratified, and then
witness was put on the stand to tes-
tify that she saw the tub when if
was lent and again when it had been
damaged. She had scarcely got start
ed when the defendant, whose wit
hess she was. called out.
"You are not swearing as you
agreed to"
"Ah ah (! / make note of that !"
chuckled one of the lawyers.
Your Honor, ! object" added the
other.
And / wouldn't believe the wit
ness under oath" putin the defend
ant.
"Who wants you TOP" squeaked
the witness. "If / couldn't come to
court with anything better than a
calico dress and ten cent lace col
lar, l wouldn't hold my nose so
high"
This is too much, ten times too
much, and | want the court room,
cleared right outm said His Honor.
and he turned the crowd right into
the alley.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Trust a Boy.

Somewhat more than fifty wears
ago, was appointed niidshipman
in the navy and sent to New York.
| was only fourteen years old, and
being of a delicate make aud small
stature, did not look more than eiev-
ch. My previous life had been
spent in the country, and | knew
nothing of city ways or business
proceedings. PAYDAY was the thir-
tieth OF the month, but | wanted
some money on the twentieth, and
passing through Wall street ] went
into a brokers Office and said
You lend money here, do YOU
not ?"
Yes
Il want to borrow twenty dollars
for ten days" l said.
| did not then understand the
quizzical manner with which the
broker looked at me for a few mo
msnts before replying
"You shall have it, and | won't
charge you interest for it either"
He gave me the money and |
signed receipt, and | need not add,
the twenty dollars were promptly
returned at the expiration of ten
days. / am sorry that | have for
gotten the name of the broker. |
mentioned the incident many years
afterward to a gentleman who said
it was the most extraordinary story
he had ever heard of Wall street
broker, of all men.
The other case happened iu;Wash-
ington about fifteen years ago. |
was standing in the portch of VIII
liard's Hotel, when little boy with
a bright, honest face said to me-
please, sir, lend me twenty-five
cents to set up in business? 4? l want
to buy some newspapers to sell"
Replied
"My boy, | haven't got twenty
five cents, but here is fifty cents, and
when you want to return it you
will find me at this hotel.'
THANK YOU" said the lad. |
will bring it back"
[ never expected to see him or the
money again, and considered it a
donation; but in the evening rs |
was walking up and down in the
entrance hall smoking, my coat, was
pulled by little newsboy, and |
turned and beheld the voungster
who had applied for a loan in the
morning, with the same bright face
that attracted me then.
well, my man, what is it?" !
said, as though ! didn't know him.
Il have brought you back your
fifty cents, sir said he, "and | am
ever so much obliged TO you. |
nave more than dollar clear profit
with your money"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
He Wanted TO See the Sights.

There is a gospel tent at the corner
of Michigan avenue and Fourth
street, and of a Sunday evening
there Is a considerable passing in
and out on the part of pedestrians
Last Sunday evening boy of four
teen who had just left the tent en-
countered a stranger, who stopped
him and inquired:
Say, bub. what sort of perform.
ance is going on in there ?"
Purity good thing" was the re-
ply.
I'D kinder like to see the fat
woman and the living skeleton and
the Albino children once more, but
I'm pretty near strapped. Is there
any way l can work in ?"
us boys crawl under the can
vas"
anybody around to knock you
stiff?"
Never saw anybody" I'll show
you where to go under"
"By hokey, III try it, It's no use
to throw away quarter when you
kin beat a sideshow."
The boy took him around behind
the tent and saw him safe under. and
then crossed the street and sat
down. He waited just exactly three
minutes, and then the stranger came
out of the tent by toe door. He
looked up and down the street.
closely scanned every youngster
about him, and finally said to "a
boot-black
"Bub, I'm looking for a youth
about two heads taller than vou-
peaked nose-brown straw hat
hair cut short, 1 want to see him
so awful bad for about a minute
that III give you half a dollar if YOU
can find him around here"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Don't Talk Leniiy.

Nothing marks Il true gentleman
or lady more surely than low voice:
and man can have it as well a Il
woman. 4 loud voice arises either
from extreme carelessness OF from
low breeding. No one likes to walk
beside person in the street who
talks in a loud voice. The same
rule applies to boys and girls. Play
is one thing and conversation anoth-
er, though the former need not be
boisterous. Children may have
good lungs, and use them in cheer
ing when the right time comes; but
when they talk, a low, distinct voice
marks one who is accustomed to
good society and possessed Of innate
refinement.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
THE GARDEN OF THE WEST. -
TO THE FARMERS OF PENNSYLVANIA.

give yeG cordial Invitation ~ come nO,s and
sec this Garden 0f the West"-NOrthesst Mis-
souri, You that are weary With farms OF ex-
hausted fertility, and you that have families Of
boys growing up whom you wish 20 establish upon
farms larger and better ant cheaper than are
within your reach Ia the old States, and YOU that
desire a change Of climate, come and see this
country in it's prime. agiJw win golden hBr-
vests, where the great rustiing nelas OF corn nur-
Inuf melodies Of peaee anu welcome 70 The visitor
Seeing is believing" show NY farms person.
ally free OF charge, 70 any one desiring 20 inspect
them.
NORTH EAST silssovRI'' comprises that part
of the State oordered ca the east by Illinois, and
on the north by Iowa. II embraces a territory
about 100 miles square celebrated for It's fertility,
s4lubrty Of climate accessibility 70 markets Gi-
versity ofl3Edscape aud its multiiarioGs p.oduc-
lions. II lies In direct connection. b. trunk lines
OF railway. with Chicago, Philadelphia snd New
York. Perfect order, peace and political freedom
prevail. Forty thousand Pennsy lvaniaus already
reside in Missouri. In this tine district have for
sale about three hundred farms, varying la size,
quality price and equipments to suit the wants
Oi customers. l SEND FULL DESCRIPTIVE LISTS
TO ANY ADDRESS FREE OF CHARGE. Prices
range from $40 70 800 per acre. Let ne briefly
Octilne one sample farm OF the higher priced
class-.h-t Of &r W. M. Baxter. 10 miles west
OF Hannibal. Tin Marion County. 30 acres rich
est "elRr0OdS kelp land all fenced, 20 acres
good timber, 90 acres blue grass, h1e springs
(never iailiDg). large brick mansion tcOst over
10 .C09) soil of unsurpassed fertility, producing
in perfection al standard grains, vegetables anu
fruits. X. station on the premises >iX trains
pass daily: within helf-hours ride of Hannibal,
thriving city OF - Geo pop Price, $50 per acre,
part cash, remainder on most reasonable terms
The rGdirag fore Of purchaser from his hOHc 70
Paimyra G5ld rsfuT igiA be Sji0lcedd part Of the
cash PGymenf. Tirle guaranteed perfect.
address HOMER Il. WINCHELL.
Real Estate Agent and C0mmis siJner Of Immi-
grafton Tor Missouri, Palmyra, Marion Co, Nc.
rrr Tar1
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
The Test 81 Friendship.

Never forsake friend. When
enemies gather round, when sick
ness falls on the heart, when the
world is dark and cherries, is the
time to try true friendship. They
who turn from the scene of distress
betray their hypocracy, and prove
that interest only moves them. II
you have a friend who loves you, be
sure to sustain him in adversely
Let him feel that his former kind
ness is appreciated, and that his
love was not thrown away. Real
fidelity may be rare, but it exists
in the heart. They only deny its
worth and power who have never
loved friend, or labored 10 max,
one happy. The good and kind, the
aflectionate and the virtuous, see and
feel the grand principle.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Horrible Murder ia Tennessee

MEMPHIS, August "A Grenada
Miss, special says SIX miles
north of Grenada, on the Kirkman
plantation, Captain Thomas Kirk.
man last night went to the quarters
OF colored woman, with whom he
has lived for several years, and kill
ed her and her children. Each was
killed by single blow from an axe,
Kirkman, after the murder, took
an eighth of an ounce Of morphine,
wholly undressed, and vent to bed
in the same room with the dead.
Upon discovered this morning he
was till alive, though no hopes are
entertained for his recovery"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Highway Robbery.

BAR HARBoR, Me-, August AS
Messrs. John and Isaac w. Howe,
OF Boston, were coming down Green
Mountain about one o'clock this af-
ternoon on buck board, with par
" OF ladies, the team was stopped by
an armed highwayman, and the
Howes were forced to give up their
gold watches and money, the total val
ne bing $500 or s1400. The robber
was armed with a brace of large pis-
tolls. A large party has started in
pursuit of the miscreant. and a re-
ward OF $1,000 is offered for his can
ture, dead or alive.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Skill in the Workshop,

To do good work the mechanic
must have good health. If long
hours of confinement in close rooms
have enfeebled his hand or dimmed
his sight, let him at once. and be-
fore some organic trouble appears,
take plenty Of Hop Bitters. His
system viii be rejuvenated, his
nerves strengthened, his sight be-
come clear, and the whole constitu-
ton he built to higher working
condition.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Suing for Damages by Sparrows

MONTREAL, Aug. 3.-Deanis
Dineen. "a farmer on the lower Sac
hine road. is about to sue the Socie-
ty for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals for having imported spar
rows. He declares that they have
already eaten up thirty acres of bar
ley, destroyed his potatoes, and in
general made havoc with his early
vegetables. He estimates the num-
Der of sparrows on his land at 5000.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Fall OF % Freight House.

ALBANY, July g. The Central
Railroad freight house, on Water
and Clumbia streets, 200 by 400 feet
in dimensions, fell with crash to-
day. and is a total wreck. There were
1900 barrels of -four and large
amount of other goods in the build
ing, which are damaged to a consid
cradle extent. Twelve freight car-
were damaged.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16

Heart disease" said Jennie as
he assisted Patrick to up-end bar
rel of cement, heart disease is one
of the worst of diseases. Some peo-
pie never know they have it until
they drop dead "Thrue for you.
Jennie, replied Patrick ; and
those people who know they have
it have to be moighty careful wild
themselves. | knew man wonst
that had it, and he was always
obliged to dhrop work about five
minutes before he felt it coming on. y
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16

A Lancaster printer went to Lam
disville camp meeting and lost seven
dollars. The wonder is not that he
lost 1t, but what in the world was 4
printer doing with seven dollars
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Property Purchased by Sisters of
Charity.

GREENsBuRG, Pa, August 1.-The
Jennings farm, west Of this place,
has been purchased by the Sisters Of
Charity OF Altoona. The price has
not been made public, but it is un-
derstood to be between sixty and
seventy-tive thousand dollars. 1t is
the intention 10 erect buildings on
the site Of the Jennings farm house,
and it is probably that they will be
built on magnificent scale.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
Horses With Heaves.

Ii the disease is not of long stand
ing as when brought on by the over
feeding of hay, during the past win
ter, especially clover or dusty hay,
and the hay is taken away there is
a possibility that the horse may be
useful for some years. But if the
horse is well advanced in gears, and
has had the heaves for long time,
there is positively no prospect for
cure. Partial relief may be obtain
ed by feeding very ligh. on hay,
giving sweet grain as the principal
feed, and being careful not to let the
animal have all the water it will
drink. Horses with heaves are usu-
ally fed wet food, but if it is perfect
~ free from dust, wetting is not es-
sential. From seven to ten pounds
of hay is sufficient for a heavy horse
per day, and that should be given
at night.-Nclo England Farmer.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16

1t Is rather unpleasant to hear
public speaker remark, MY friends
ur, | wish to say few words sur, on
this occasion-ur," ETC.; but then we
must remember that to ur is human.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16
A colored fsr,olo ~ pL;,

A colored female in Philadelphia
went 10 a ball and was bounced from
the ball room because she did not
have stockings on. She put in a
claim that she had on black stock
ings, but the manager OF the bali
couldn't see it-or them-and out
she went: An assault and battery
suit was the outcome.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1882-08-16

A woman bought eleven yards of
cloth and paid for it with butter,
giving three pounds of butter for Il
yard. There was stone weighing
tive pounds in the center of the
crock, and the dealer cheated her q
yard and half in measuring the
cloth. Who was adead on that trade,
and how much?