San Marcos free press. [volume] (San Marcos, Tex.) 1877-1892, 1882-06-01
WIT AND WISDOM.

woman's will.-Y9nkers Statesman.
Why do elderly spinsters have pre-
dilection for parrotF? Well, they have
no man about tire house, and they want
something round that can swear.
"WHY do you suppose Rev. johnson
Reed is always driving over TO Smith
villep" asked one gentleman OF another.
His wife says he goes over to admire
the beauty of the place. was the reply.
yes, but does his wife know the beau
ty of the place is young widowP"
A MNIsTERat Richmond, Va, recent
ly swooned while marrying his old
sweetheart TO another man. III his part
of the ceremony made him swoon, what
nerve the man who was married must
have had to stand up underit.-Boston
Post.
AN Oregon man endeavored to put a
lariat around his wife's neck, intending
to tie her up and whip her. The under
taker said he had handled corpses fresh
from railway accidents and boiler ex-
plosions, but he never struck mess Of
remains that were so hard to sort and
put in place rs that mans were.--
EUdnSUille 4rgue.
ONCE upon time woman died,
and as tho mourners were carrying her
to tho grave, they tripped against u
stump and let the coffin fall. She re-
vived, having been only in deep
trance. Two years after she really
died, and az they were carrying her
down the same road and neared the
same stump the disconsolate widower
sobbed: STEADY, boys, steady there.
Be very, very careful.
"MY first wife," said Mr.. Marigold,
running his anxious eyes over the
dressmaker's bill which his second mat
rimonial venture had just handed him,
used to make calico dress last longer
than you wear silk one" "Yes," re-
piled Mrs. Marigold, and she made one
husband last great deal longer than 1
can, too" And as she bent her gentle
glance upon his countenance, he felt
all the blood in his back turn to hail
stones.
LAST Sunday evening a Boston di-
vine suddenly paused somewhat near
the close of his sermon, and said "We
would all be glad if that young man in
the vestibule would come inside and
satisfy himself whether she is, or is
not here. That would be much better
than keeping half-inch draft on the
occupants of the pew" And in the
solemn silence that followed. the con-
gregation could here sound outside as
ola retreat of any army with banners
Christian at Work.
A MAN in asleeping. car on an Eastern
railroad kept people awake two
hours by propounding, about bedtime,
the query: "What is the best thing to
brush hat WITH" And the whole
crowd stayed awake and guessed, and
one man who came to his station, and
had to get off without hearing the ans
wer, felt awfully. And, finally, after
they had all given it up, the questioner
thought the best thing to brush hat
with was hat brush. And it was pain
full to witness the disgust of the crowd.
TWAS sultry and muggy day, but
the agent, wiping the perspiration from
his low. but somewhat manly brow, and,
throwing his linen buster back, began:
MADAM, is your husband aboutp"
eyes, he's about; but L tend to all
agents that show themselves about here.
What is itp" "I'm introducing thresh-
ing machine in this neighborhood,
and" "Not in this neighborhood, you
amt if know it. I'm competent to
do all the thrashing that's needed on
this farm. You ask my boys, Bill and
Sam, and if you don't believe them, ask
my man just over in the lot there" and
q slight advance that she made in his
direction suggested to him that he had
better move on before she tried her
power on him.
AN Edinburg solicitor was once
visited by an elderly, respectable
looking man, who stated that he had
come to have his will drawn up. Seeing
the prospect of good client, the solic-
itor devoted much time in drawing up,
the instrument, in which property
shares and funds to considerable
amount were assigned to certain rela-
tives. When the client had paid many
visits, and was at length pleased with
the wording of the will, the solicitor
asked where the property, ETC., was in
vested. The client replied. "Oh, L
haven't anyl 1 only want my relatives
to see after I'm dead what would have
done for them had 1 been able"
WHEN the Legislature convened last
winter, member of the "Third House."
who was anxious to make personal &C.
quaintance and to discover what sort of
men he had to handle, was introduced
to a member from the wilderness dis
trict, and he straightway began to
throw out feelers.
nresunne Won will take an active