Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1882-03-15

Detroit Free Press Limek1in Club.
"What was gwine to remark" said Brother
Gardner. as the rattling of hoofs died away on
the calm evening air. twas to de effect dat Prof
January Sunbeam of Mississippi, am waitin' in
de ante-room to address de meetin' on de SUBJ
jock of DE Goneness Oh de Past De professor
am not only known all ober de kentry fur his
theories on astronomy, but am de only man in
America who kin skin woodchuck in seben
minits by de watch. Sir Isaac Walpole, you an
Giveadam Jones will put on your yaller kid
gloves an long-tailed coats an escort de pro-
fessOr into de hail."
In about five minutes the stran ger made his
appearance and was greeted with burst of ap-
plause, which upset the WATERFALL and filed
bers. On taking the platform he was intro
duced by the president, handed piece ofslippe-
ry-elm to keep his throat moist during his ora
tory. and he then bowed and began:-
MY dear fren's, whar am de past? Look fur
it under de bed, down cellar, upstairs, in de
wood-bOx or whar you will, an you cannot find
it. Why? Kase it am gone. 1t has slipped
| away like streak o grease runnin' across de
kitchen foo, an it will nebber, nebber return
(Sighs from all over the hall.) Do you meet
Plato as you go up de street? Do you fin Cicero
waiting at de ferry dock? Do you h'ar of Did,
genes hangin' round de Union depot to work de
string game on some greenhOrn? Not any?
Dey belongs to de past an gone. Dep sleep in
de glory of de Roman empire? Whar' am Caesar
an Brutus an Cassius? Letde dust Of the past
answer (Much blowing Of noses)
''My fren's, de past am not de fucher, any
more dan day after tO-mOrrer am day befO' yes
terday As time fades 80 does glory fade To-
day you may march at de head of de purceshum
yer hat on yer ear an a red sash tied aroun yer
bOdy-tO-mOrrer We may be in Jail fur bOrrowin
somebody's woOdpile to keep yer feet warm.
(Sly and suspicious winks all over the room
Do not prize de present too highy-do not for
get de warnings of de past. We cannot recall de
past. but we can look back an see whar de
grocer gin us short weight on Goldfish. an whar'
we took advantage of a cloudy day to pass 90
cent piece off fur quarter. CHEERS and ap-
plause.)
my hearers, we should not lib fur de past.
but fur de fucher. What am it to us as we riz
up in de mawnin' wheder Caesar met his mother
in-law at de depot or forbid her his house?
What am it to us as we retire to our humble
cOuches fur de night whether de orators of
Athens creased DER butes wild lard or went bar
foot? AS we sit on a box in de ally to consume
| our MONDAY lunch we car not whether Brutus
dyed his gOatee or was clean-shaVed. (Cries of
NO! NoO But de fucher am big wild events
To day we may be full of sorrow. If so, we
Great smacking Of lips.) IT the present am
full of biles an chilblains an heart
aches, de fucher may be as bright as a
cats eyes shinin' out of a bar'l on dark night.
Nebber look back on the past. 1t am as much
gone as a three-cent piece paid out fur Fourth
of July lemonade. Nebber dispair of de fucher.
When de heart is heaviest, de fire lowest. an
| work de skeercest. you may find lost wallet. or
strike some butcher wllin' to give credit.
NNhoops of applause.l My friens 1 am dun.
Thanking you severely for your infectious dis
traction, 'rambulate to my seat wild odiferous
feelings of concentration toward each an cherry
one of you
During the wild excitement which followed the
close of the mastery effort Samuel Shin and
Trustee Pulback fell upon the hot stove in an
enthusiastic embrace, and seven windows had
to be lowered to let out the OdOr of overdone
mula steak