News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-12-07
THE JOKERS BUDGET.
A BATCH OF FUNNY THINGS FOUND IN
THE PRESS.
Texas Siftinns--Sam SIiciz's Wise Saws
Uncle NatIIan's C'reed-Items' etc.
TEXAS SETTINGS.

SHE WANTED To TALK.-The colored
cook of an Austin family persists IN go
ing over into the adjoining yard, where
there is a negro gardener employed,
dozen times a day, on the most frivolous
pretexts.
Yesterday the lady of the house said to
the cook:
''Why do you go over there for water
when we have q pump right here III the
yard?" :.
81 can't talk wnff cent to pump,
was the reply.
A SHAME AND AN OUTAGE Ohm,
what is that peculiar smell?' asked an
Austin mans wife. when he came home
very late. She expected he would say 1t
was the incense they used III the lodge
room. or that he would tell some other
lie, but she was mistaken.
cts whisky, that's what 1t IS, he re-
piled, defiantly.
miserable creature p retorted his
wife, ''you have at last got down so low
that you have not got decency enough
left to try and lie out OF 1t. -
A GENTLE REnuNDER.-An Austin firm
sold on credit a pair of boots to leading
citizen, to whose daughter one OF the
clerks in the store is paying attention.
A few days ago the head OF the firm sad
to the clerk:
.sYou must remind Col. Soandso about
those boots"
'eThere is no need of it. He, himself,
reminded me Of those boots last night,
without. saying z>~ord, . remarked the
clerk, as he limped to a box of dry goods,
on which he sat down to rest.
Nor IN THE RIGHT DIRECTIoN.-Last
week the Austin Waterworks Company
had several hundred men employed lay
ing pipes. They were engaged in digging
a trench quarter of a mile long about
foot deep, when one of the most intelli-
gent farmers living on Onion Greek
stopped his team and asked one of the
men what he was digging for.
''Wather, be dad
'That Just shows how much intelli-
gence these city folks have. Here they
are digging for half mile along the top
of the ground hunting for water, when if
they We're to dig straight down, they
might strike water within forty feet,
and smiling at the simplicity of the city
folks, he started his team and drove on.
A DRAFT ON THE IMAGINATIoN.- ''My
father said Gilhooly, solemnly, twas
more sensitive to colds than anybody [
ever knew. The slightest exposure gave
him a cold"
''That must have been very disagree
able"
"Indeed it was, He never could sit
near draft for a minute without catch
ing cold [ remember on one occasion
he was sitting in the office of friend,
when all at once my father began to
sneeze. He insisted that there was a
draft in the room. Every effort was
made to discover where the draft was,
but in vain. The doors and windows
were closed, and there was no fireplace,
but my father kept on sneezing, and in
SlSIl1l5 lIl6IG ullloG D0 IL Nutt4V III U4S 1OO1L,
and so there was"
"Where was it %
''In an envelope on the table, and it
was only little draft for three dollars
and forty cents"
UNCLE NATHAN's CREED.
Oars err mighty seus question dat de folkses
can't decide
An is vidin' OBJ de 'pinions OBJ de 'igious mighty
wide:
Far I hear 'em say in meetin', wild mighty
happy look,pzv--5-ss-s-
Dat er man is safe in heben, eff his name is ON
de book.
Now I 'fess Tn mighty ignorant, but knows
er thing or two;
An I'm gwine ter take dis subject an Tn gwine
to run er through;
Fur I never did believe it Gam yer knows it's
mighty thin),
Dat er man kin git ter heben while he's 'mittin'
OBJ er sin.
Duz yer spose, eff wuz wallSin' through water
milon patch,
Err longing ter neighbor, and jes' take little
snatch
An de comic come a rushin' like de injun on de
track,
Dat could walk in heben wild er milon on my
back?
Duz yer spose eff was comin bout de hootin
oh de owl,
An stoppin' fer ter listen at de CROWN OBJ de |
fowl
Wuz ter rech my han right easy, an pull him |
off de rail,
Dat could 90 to heben wild dat rooster by de
tail?
So der amt no use in talkin,' den yers got ter
do de right,
Awalzin through de milon patch, or long de
road at night;
For neber did believe it Gan yer know it's
mighty thin,
Dat man kin git to heben while he's 'mittin
OBJ a sin.
r. Z. Bently, in Louisville Cot"'ie'-Jo'omal.
SAM Sticks WISE SAWS.
A Beautiful bird seldom sings.
THEM that has genius have no common
sense.
A HANDSOME man in gineral way,
ain much OF a man.
A GOOD temper must be kept cool to
retain its sweetness.
WHERE are all the poor, it don't take
much to make rich man.
WHERE there is great strength, there
amt apt to be much gumption.
INNOCENCE is not suspicious, but guilt
is always ready to turn informer.
A TELLER with one idea grows rich,
while he who calls him fool dies poor.
THEM that have more than their share
of one thing, commonly have less Of an
other
WOUNDED pride should be touched
lightly. The skin is thin and plaguy SEN
sitive.
WHEN you are down, poverty, like
keeps your feet fast, and pre-
vents you from rising.
If the hide is thick on the ribs, it's
thin on the flanl1s, and there is nothing
like trying for tender spots.
To MOURN to-day over the wreck of l
yesterday only increases the loss, and {
the value of what little is left
Of us. '
MEMORY is nothin' but experience. '
Tho ,oar,o,.,, Of tl,a wrong way keeps lis ;