Middletown transcript., 1882-01-20
MARK TwA1N's ANCESTRY.
HOW BARBAROUSLY THEY WERE
PARED-PLEADING FOR REPARI-
TIoN IN THEIR BEHALF.

the New England society of Pennsyl-
vania, at Philadelphia, and in the
course of very witty speech said:
" rise to protest. 1 have kept still
for years, but really 1 think there is no
sufficient justification for this sort of
thing. What do you want to celebrate
those people for ?-those ancestors of
yours, of 1620-the Mayfower tribe [
mean. What do you want to celebrate
them for ? Your pardon the gentle
man at my left assures me that you are
not celebrating the Pilgrims themselves,
but the landing of the Pilgrims at
Plymouth Rock on the 22d of Decem-
Der. So you are celebrating their
landing Why, the other pretext was
thin enough, but this is thinner than
ever; the other was tissue, tinfoil. fish
bladder, but this is gold leaf. Cele-
brating their landing What was
there remarkable about it, 1 would like
to know! What can you be thinking
of? Why, those Pilgrims had been at
sea three or four months. 1t was the
very middle of winter; it was as cold
as death off Cape Cod, there. Why
shouldn't they come ashore ? If they
hadn't landed, there would be some
reason in celebrating the fact. 1t
would have been case of leather
headedness which the world would not
willingly let die.
. People always progress. You are
better than your fathers and grand
fathers were this is the first time |
have ever aimed measureless SANDER
at the departed, for 1 consider such
things improper). Yes, those among
you who have not been in the peni-
tentiary, if such there be, are better
than your fathers and grandfathers
were; but is that any sufficient reason
for getting up annual dinners and cele-
hrating you !? No, by no omeans-by no
means. Well, I repeat, those Pilgrims
We're hard lot. They took good care
of themselves, but they abolished every
body else's ancestors. I am border
ruffian from the banner state of Mis-
souri, am Connecticut Yankee by
adoption. In me you have Missouri
morals, Connecticut culture this.
gentlemen, is the combination which
makes the perfect man. But where are
my ancestors !? Whom shall I cele-
brate !? Where shall 1 find the raw
material =? My first American an
cestor, gentlemen, was an Indian an
early Indian; your ancestors skinned
him alive, and am an orphan. Not
one drop of blood flows in that Indians
veins to-day. I stand here lone and
forlorn, without any ancestor. They
skinned him. [ do not object to that,
if they needed his fur. But alive,
alive! They skinned him
alive And before company. That is
what rankles. Think how he must
have felt for he was a sensitive person
and easily embarrassed. If he had
been a bird it would have been all
right, and no violence done to his feel
ings, because he would have been con-
sidered " dressed )" but he was not
bird, gentlemen he was a man, and
probably one of the most undressed
men that ever was, [ ask you to put
yourselves in his place. 1 ask it as a
favor ask it asa tardy act of justice
1 ask it in the interests of fidelity to
the traditions of your ancestors I ask
that the world may contemplate, with
vision unobstructed by Disgusting swal-
low-tails and white cravats. the spec
tacle which the true New England
Society ought to present. Cease to
come to these annual orgies in this
hollow modern mockery-this surplus
age of raiment come in character,
come in summer grace, come in un-
adorned simplicity, come in the free
and joyous costume which your sainted
ancestors provided for mine.
Now, listen to mt. Eihy do you
wish to perpetuate these societies ? I
want you to stop right here and dis
band. Begin by selling Plymouth Rock
at auction. In the great wealth of
rocks in New England this particular
rock would bring perhaps thirty-fve
cents. If you don't sell it throw it
open to the patent medicine man. Do
to make a start. On this
table 1 see water and milk and even
the deadly lemonade. You are on the
downward path. In a few years you
will surely reach cider. Pause while it
is not too late. But still 1 have as
high an opinion of you and your ances-
try as can under the circumstances.
My grandfather used to say that it
would be hard to improve on the good
Did Plymouth stock-unless the person
we're born in Missouri.
-A