The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-11-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

crowd has been troubled with a stitch in
his side ever since.
Punctuality is the soul of business,
saith the proverb. Hence it naturally
follows that punctuality is not material.
When a woman wants to get rid of
her husband for an hour she sends him
up stairs to get something from the
pocket of one of her dresses.
A young woman attending balls and
parties should always secure a female
chaperon until she is able to call some
male chap her own.
telegraph blue' is new color. II
is the shade of mans face when he
gets dispatch from his broker asking
for more margin.
At a ragged school in Scotland the
question was asked, what sort of
bed is down bedP" A little boy an
swered, "Its bed on the floor, sir"
Gen. Wolseley is one-eyed man. II
he was only bow-legged rs well, he
might readily be mistaken for bicycle
rider.
Hindoo girls are taught to think Of
marriage as soon as they can talk.
American girls are not. They dent re-
quire teaching.
At the cafe, between friends-''What
are you going to take, SamuelP" "A
cup of black coffee" ''And you, Mosesp"
"Pm going to take silver spoon"
A gentleman whose vocabulary was
mixed wished to praise certain lady
reader. Yes" said he. ''besides be-
ing very fine elocutionist, she has
great deal of ejaculation"
One man can deceive anuder in de
matter oh friendship, but it amt dat
way wild womens Among women dar's
perfeck un' erstandin' dat da doan
put no confidence in each other.
A Cincinnati man in trying to break
$40 colt smashed up 800 worth OF
property, but as he had the applause OF
two hundred men and boys he didn't
mind the loss.
A Tennessee woman has trained a dog
to drink beer and chew tobacco. Now
YOU will see that woman will never
marry. She has no use for man
around the house.
You are mistaken, SIR" said Miss
Snifkins, haughtily, to bashful young
Thompson, who had just stepped on her
flowing robe, "my train does not carry
passengers"
''Hold up your hands," yelled the
western outlaw as he boarded palace
car and showed his pistols. care you a
road agentP" asked frightened pas
senger. Yes "Thank heaven,
feared you were another porter"
II always prefer to accompany my.
self,'' said shabby looking vocalist.
"It does you credit, SIR" said Fogg, ad
ding under his voice, "but l guess the
sheriff will soon take the job off your
hands"
A Buffalo man has been missing since
''moving day." If there is any day
when a man is justified in disappearing
knowing day. is the one. A man who
will not get away then will stay under
all ircumstances-even twins.
There is a young man in Milwaukee
whose surname is Lot. And though he
is an agreeable fellow and well fixed
financially, he remains bachelor. The
girls are somehow kind of shy of the
name.
A provincial manufacturer, who was
detained by heavy snowfall from keep
ing business appointment, penned a
despatch to his customer which ran thus
my dear sir, have every motive fol
visiting you except locomotive"
A lady writing from England com
plains that the restaurant walters there
always wait on the gentlemen first.
Perhaps the walters have learned from
experience that man generally knows
what he wants as soon as he sits down
No amount of persuasion would in.
duce stranger i'll Vermont town,
who got hit by pole-cat, to give his
name. He said he was in trouble enough
without having the neighbors hear the
story and guy him.
A Scotchman, having a warm dispute
with London cabman about fare, said,
I'D have We ken l am a Macintosh"
To which the cockney replied, ''You
may be humbreler for all l knows,
but my fare is eighteen pence"
Yes" said the milkman, ''he's fit to
go to the legislature. When he drove II
cart for me he used to swindle my GUS
toners out of $5 a day and divide with
me, aud if he does rs well Us that by the
town, he'll make IA mighty valuable rep
resentative."
He bowed to her across the table
smirked, washed his hands in invisible
soap and water and said: ''Oxcuse me,
/ dink | haf med you at SaratOgas dis
summers-my name is Moses" II can
not recall your face" she airily answer
ed, "but your name is familiar"
A chile alters deserves whippin' de
most when its father is outen humor
Dare's II ole saying what says neber hit
a boy when yer mad. wouldn't give
n cent to hit him any udder time, case l
amt gwine ter fight nobody when rse
in good humor. IraUeier.
Madam b. is charming person, but
age will arrive, and she was recently
obliged to adopt glasses. One day a
visitor surprised her. 'YOu see," said
she, ''that i have had to come to it and
use glasses. Exactly" replied the
gallant gentleman; "a spark defender" ="
Thomas SchoiieId, aged 81, walked
miles to renew his subscription to pa
per. It is the general impression among
country editors that there are number
of subscribers who are waiting until
they are 81 years old to come and pay
for their paper.
A country newspaper gives aglorious
account of wedding in which it des-
cribes the appearance of the bridegroom.
The latter, it says, is fine-looking.
blue-eyed gentleman, fair complexioned,
with Roman nose five feet ten inches
high, etc.
There is proverb to the effect that il
is best to have the goodwill even of a
dog. This statement is strictly true.
If you don't believe it, not over four
minutes of the energetic ill-will of a
good, healthy bulldog would convince
you that his friendship was much more
to be desired than his enmity.
There is man named Haas living
near Springfield, Tenn, who is the
father of twenty-one children, twenty OF
whom are girls, and the fact that the
ono brOfhar 20 ah1o IN Eaan fharn oil