The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-01-07
Mar. Twain and the Pilgrim Fathers.

Mark Twain, at the celebration of the New
England Society the other day, said: III thank
you cordially for these kind and well.deserveC
compliments PAID me, and shall ever strive
to deserve them But let us come down tC
business. now appear before you as a pro
testor Ihave kept still for years and years
anybody knows that; but | want to ask
What do you want to celebrate your ances
tors for? | admit that they were hard lot |
refer more particularly to the Mayilower gang
My friend on the lett here says that you are
not celebrating the Pilgrim Fathers, but theiI
landing at Plymouth Rock. thought the first
pretext was thin, but this one Is thinner. The
first one was gauze, tinfoll, tissue, but this
one Is gold leaf What was there about the
landing of the Pilgrims? They had been
three or four months at sea; they were all
played out and nearly starved; it was fearful
cold and they were nearly frozen. Why should
mt they land? Ii they hadn't landed there
would have been some reason for celebration.
Now you try to make out that this simple
proceeding was Of enough importance to be
celebrated with orgies like this. Why, a
horse would have known enough to land
Therefore this festival is an inconsistency, and
it shows just what an irasaible, inractible tribe
the New Englanders are. They never agree
on anything but Boston. Those ancestors of
yours must have been a mighty hard lot, for
there is not a man in this room who will al,
NIT that he Is better than his father or his
grandfather. SucA of you as have not been in
the PenlteAtlary-if such there be-are al!
better than your fathers. You may talk about
your ancestry as you please, but as for me l
am border rufiian, Missourian by birth,
with Connecticut as my adopted State l
have the morals of Missouri and the culture
of Connecticut, and that's the combination
that makes the perfect man. Where is my
ancestor, the good Indian? Your ancestors
skinned him alive and | am an orphan, Not
q drop of my blood runs in his veins to-day,
but don't object to that They skinned him
alive All that's the thought that rankles.
He was sensitive Indian and his embarrass
ment before the world must have been very
great If he had been a bird he would have
been considered dressed. AS man he was
one of the most undressed men | ever saw.
Later on your ancestors prosecuted another
ancestor of mine, the Quaker. Your ances-
tors didn't want any interference with the
freedom of worship in their own peculiar
way. The first African brought into New
England as slave was an ancestor OF mine.
I am of original origin Now, listen to me.
Why do you wish to perpeiuate these socie-
ties l want you to stop right here and dis
band. Begin by selling Plymouth Rock at
auction. In the great wealth of rocks in New
England this particular rock would bring
perhaps thirty.tive cents. If you don't sell it
throw it open to the patent medicine man.
Do something to make "A start On this table
| see water and milk and even the deadly
lemonade You are on the downward path.
In few years you will surely reach cider.
Pause while 1t IS not too late. But still have
as high an opinion Of you and your ancestry
as can have under the circumstances. My
grandfather used to say that it would be hard
to improve on the good old Plymouth stock
unless the person were born IN Missouri