The National tribune., 1882-04-29
WrT AND EUEOR.


The good die young. The bad live to lie
about the weather, and are spoken OF as the
Oldest inhabitants.
Why are fowls the most profitable things
a farmer can raise? Because for every grain
they eat they give peck.
l. l rise for information" said member of
a legislative body. - am very glad to hear
it, said bystander; "nO man needs it
more"
Silver dollars with holes in them have
been numerous, but they have not been half
so numerous as holes without any silver dol
lars around them.
Said the lecturer: "The roads up these
mountains are too steep and rocky for even
a donkey to climb, therefore 1 did not at
tempt the ascent"
Hannah" said landlady to her new ser
want, "whcn there's any bad news always
let the boarders know it before dinner. Such
little things make great difference in the
course Of q year"
The Boston papers say the girls of that city
have begun to wear police helmet hats Then
should the Boston papers warn the Boston
girls. II they 90 to initiating the Boston
police they Will never catch man
The following letter was received by
an undertaken from an afflicted widower:
my waif is ded and wants to be buried to-
morrow at Woner Illock. Z nose wair to dig
the Hole-by the side of rny two other waif
let it be deep"
"a Brooklyn man has been sent to jail for
kissing his girl goodnight" This should
/ teach Brooklyn young men lesson. They
will probably hereafter initiate the example
of young men IN other cities, i. E., remain q
couple Of hours longer and kiss her good
mOrning.-Noutgtorn Herald.
A small boy testified in a Texas Justices
court thai the shooting atrray took place on
Sunday. How DO you know it was on Sun
day, sonny" asked the defendants shyster.
Becoz, that day I had to 50 to the back
door OF the saloon TO get beer, instead of the
front door, was the convincing answer.
This is the young cotton speculator. He
is wearing Grape on his hat. None of his
relatives are dead. Why then does he wear
Grape on his hat? Because he got in front
of the cotton market when it was loaded.
Did the market 90 of? Yes, the market
went offices FGnny Paper.
+. O. Mel, Detroit, Mich" What kind
of climate do you have in Texas at this season
of the year," We usually have mild semi
tropical climate at this season of the year,
but in the last consignment received there
| 81, g oil, hot did not
belong to US packed with the rest Of the
goods-Tfrgs Siftiags.
Said the pastor" We never used to get
any money in the contribution box, but
lately l have arranged to have two or three
of our most prominent men and pretty girls
stand in the vestibuIe while the people come
in, so they can see who puts money in, and
d the box is doing quite we'll" 1t takes a
business man to run church as well as a
fe circus.
| Once upon time, says an exchange,
woman died, and as the mourners were car
rying her to the grave they tripped against
stump and let the coffin fall. She revived,
having been only in a deep trance. Two
} wears after she really died, and as they were
| carrying her down the same road and neared
the same stump the disconsolate widOwer
t sobbed: Steady, boys! Steady there! Be
very, very CAREFUL"
and what do you think of the 'renais-
sance,' my dear?" said she of the blonde
, hair. as she looked about her drawing room
with an air of pride. ooh, l am sure I
hardly know what to think. But so long as
: George can sell imported sunflOwer seeds at
| seventy-fye cents packet, and palm off q
: cellar full OF onions for lily bulbs, shall
support it." This is the practical view Of
the craze.
A Young man at Elkhart, Ind, has started
a six-column weekly with the avowed object
Of restoring to the Republic its wonted
grandeur and prosperity" You can't do it,
Young fellow. We tried for six years to
restore the Republic to its wonted grandeur
and prosperity, by publishing the ablest
:. paper in this country and taking turnips
!, and sIab-wo0d on subscriptions, and never
e had money enough to buy Il dog, but Of late
e wears we have let the wonted Republic shirk
for itself, and the first of January we had
: over $6-Tcck's Sun.
i What is expected of 4 young man, when
" alone with his best girl, she sits down at the
. piano and sings: Let not your chances like
: sunbeams pass you by" ete?-1trre Haofte
Il SATURDAY. Might We don't exactly know
: what might be expected of fellow under
Ii such trying circumstances but If such
" should ever be our lot, we would turn down
e the ras. You can draw on your imagination
g for the rest.-Decatar Rerie,c. We grasp the
idea.
man trades SO watch for SIS shot
): onn. nays So for repairs, and then exchanges
-e il for $50 horse, which kicks S23 cow to
RS death and then dies OF broken heart. How
d much did the man lose?
u In certain room there are eleven women
. sitting down. 4 lady passes the house with
=, a new spring bonnet on. Find the number
who got up and rushed to the window
That's where you are fooled One of 'en
Il Il was too lame to get out OF her chair
= The distance from roadside fence to q
!, certain harvest apple tree is three times the
. distance from the ground TO the first limb