The National tribune., 1882-09-23
SOME SIDE-SPLITTERS.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the News
papers.

Out west man is considered nobody unless
he has "killed his man" There is where
young physicians have the advantage over the
average man in immigrating vest LOreH
Cai=ea
Or: "You viii find the painting looks better
little way Off" said the artist. And Fogg
asked, quite innocently, Would half mile
be far enough off, do you think?"-Bostoa
Transcript
Dialogue near the sea, on a hotel piazza: al
do not see how you ladies can remain here two
months looking upon the changeless ocean"
"But the men change" was the reply of o
lady.-Bost0H Journal.
Chicago man, who was sleeping with brace
of revolvers under his pillow, was robbed the
other night. He has thrown the weapons
down well and married woman who snores.
-New York Commercial.
The dark side: The negrophobist is 50 preiu-
diced that he cannot believe that below his
skin the black man is very much like his white
brother, but persists in looking upon the dark's
hide.-BOstos Transcript.
millionaire's troubles: Mr. Vanderbilt il
troubled just at present with fears that upon
to either buy up the furnaces or bribe the pres
ent proprietor.-Td Oddities.
The only difference that we can think of
Just now between the girl you adore and a bear
trap, young man, is that one bangs the hairand
the other hangs the bear. If this is not the
proper kibosh we do not want the chromo.-
Boston Times
1t is now reported that JEFF Davis used to
play the banjo. Reconciliation between the
sections once embroiled is now nearly COM
pleted, and why should people throw out such
detracting stories about the leader Of q lost
cause. Let US have peace.-LoUoH Citizen
An eminent chemist has discovered traces of
alcohol in good natural spring water. That
explains it! There's anothermystery cleared.
We've been wondering for years how we got
the impression that our honest milkman was
serving US with milk punch every day.-Boston
Times.
Bachelor ladies: Emily (litte sister,: what
a large family the spnsters must be! l hear
in church every Sunday that some Of them are
going to be married" Frances (elder sister,:
80 you little stupid! Don't you know what
spinsters are? Bachelor ladies, of course."-
Boston Journal.
Churchyard luck: Chow many children
have you now?" lady asked an old servant
the other day. Fourteen" he replied. "A
large family, indeed" "Yes, ma'am,7 said the
philosophic retainer; "but You see I'm not like
many of my neighbors; I've never had any
churchyard luck with my children-they all
lived. d."-BOston Journal.
A Leadville preacher is visiting IN Philadel-
phia, and some brother clergymen, noticing
that he did not carry a watch, asked him how
he managed to time himself during his ser
mons "Oh, that is simple enough" replied
the Leadville apostle. Il keep right on until
the revolvers begin to click, and then know
it is time to Stop."-PbiiGdelphja Ne1Cs.
Little Johnny Fizzletop, aged six years, who
is one of an Austin family of ten children,
was taken out in buggy for a ride, with his
mother, a few days ago. As they drove past q
small cottage of two rooms, Johnny called his
mothers attention to it, who remarked that it
was a very small house. "Yes," replied John
ny, meditstively, "it'S small, but it would be
plenty big enough for our family if it wasn't
for. pa and the children. en."-Ttras Siffings
This is no picnic exclaimed 8IilIigan, ar
irving at Nabnasset Saturday afternoon and
looking about him. "Why not?" asked his
companion. "Why not?" Where is the young
man with the lavender pants I've heard SO
much about? Where is the custard pie under
the tree? Where is the ants nest, and the
man putting up the swing and the idiot rocking
a boat full of girls? Either my education has
been incorrect, or you have brought me here
under false pretences. want to go home!"-
LcreU Citizen.
He lay in a swoon by the roadside. His he'll
met was broken, his visor was cracked, his
g0rget was tarnished with the smoke of battle,
his breast plate was indented like milk can,
his halberd was as dull as fve-eent BARRIERS
razor, the lock of his cross gun was shattered,
his arquebuse was shivered, his qUiver shook
like a canal horse with the heaves, his tabard
was in shreds, his ears were Off his eye was
gone, his nose was out of plumb and his jaw
bone was paralyzed. He had been trying to
umpire league baseball game.-Ercdange
Matrimonial: The most candid young man
in Austin is Nicodemus Murphy. He called at
the Office of wealthy citizen and came right
out and said: " 1 want to marry your daughter.
l can't live without her" Are you acquainted
with my daughter?" Not in the least" How,
then, do you know you can't live without her?"
well heard you were going to give her lots
OF money when she married, and my personal
expenses are so heavy can't live without her
or some other woman who has got money to
support a husband. ."-Teras SJtiHgs
a colored man was leading tame fox around
the market by a chain yesterday, in the en-
deavor to find purchaser, and gentleman
finally asked: "What is the animal good for,
anyway" 'Jist as good as an elephant, was
the reply "He's good for people to look at"
What do you ask for him?" " Fifty dollars"
Fifty dollars! Why who ever heard of such
n price!" The man was moving away when
the fox owner called to him: "Doan' you want
him?" "No, sir!" "Wall, doan' git skeered
cause I said fifty dollars. sot dat tigger SO
as to gin yo q chance to beat me down to ten
shiIlings, an den if you hung on l was gwine
to drop to seventy-fiye cents an frOw in de
chain.-Detr0u Free Press
How We look to Others.