Mexico weekly ledger., 1882-01-19
AND MRS. sPOOPENDYKE.
The Expert" Question Under Discussion
From the Brooklyn Eagle,

top of its head, ''why don't you go
and be an expert!"
expert in what?' demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke, dropping his paper.
"What kind of an expert''
"Don't you know! An expert who
goes to court and yeils out what he
thinks of hypothetical questions and
heads, and knows by the almanac just
when a nan is crazy and when he
isn't?"
"Anything particular the matter
with your head this trlp?' reared
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "Been reading
some old cook book lately? What're
you talking about? What dress pat
tern have you got hold of now!'
81 wa reading about MIR. Gulteau,'
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke, Sand l
thought how much better it must be
to be an expert than to know any
thing about the case! That's why |
asked. If q man knows anything
they always prove that he don't, but
if he is an expert, he just swears that
a man who bothers him is crazy and
that ends it,
Il s'pose you think I've had so
much experience in idiotcy at home
that l could make a fortune as an
expert" sputtered Mr.. Spoopendyke.
81 tell you they are intelligent men.
They make up their minds and swear
to their opinions, according to law.
When the revised statutes at large
provide for me as an expert, as they
provide for idiots, lunatics, habitual
drunkards and married women, I'll
go into the b%usiness!' and Mr..
Spoopendyke winked at himself tri-
%umphantly as he thought ver the last
shot.
"Well,'' rejoined Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, bridling Indignantly, ''if the
revised statutes provide that way,
they ought to be shut up at once.
They'r n no business at large. l
didn't know that these experts were
legalized. / supposed they just went
there to help their friends along
"No, they don't either!' retorted
Mr.. ~Spoopendyke. ''They go to
swear whether the man is insane or
not"
"But what do they want to drown
him for?" argued Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"There they were all talking at once
and getting along pleasantly, when
all of a sudden Mr.. Porkhill and Col.
Corker and Mr.. Savage throw Mr..
Guiteau into the dock!'
"Drown your grandmother's hind
leg!' howled Mr.. Spoopendyke.
"Wha dye think a law dock is:
Got a notion its a pond with a green
scum on top of it? S'pose its a two
inch mud puddle with a fence around
it, and a Congressional appropriation
to make it pavigable? It's a pen
tell ye; a rallied off pen In the court
room, where they put prisoners
Guiteau bothered the experts so that
they had to put him in the pen.
Think you understand it now?"
''Of COURSE" assented Mrs. Spoop'
endyke, ''but why didn't they put
MIR. Scoville and Mr.. Reed there.
too? They are trying to bother the
experts just as much as Guiteau did,
They won't let the poor men alone.'
"Don't you know the difference
between a lawyer and a criminal?'
ripped Mr.. Spoopendyke, ''or is tina
too fine a distinction for you? Reet
and Scoville are defending Guiteau
Porter and Corkhill and Davidge arr
prosecuting him. OF course his law
yer will cross-examine the witness
against him. But it's no use to ex
plain anything to you.'
II understand that mucl,' return
ell Mrs. Spoopendyke, "bnt l dom
understand what Judge Cox mean
by pitching into the lawyers and over
riding their questions. The frs
thing he knows the experts will swea
that he is an asymmetrical, and the1
he'll be put in the dock with Guiteau
where it will go hard with him. tel
you a Judge can't be too careful hoy
he behaves" and Mrs. Spoopendyk
pinned the babv's skirts and smooth
ed out its dress.
"Wow!' yelled Mr.. S~poopendyke
unable for an instant to throw his feel
ings into any coherent form OF speech
"You've struck it! You're a Who'll
barrel of canned judiciary! All 20
want now is a red label or your bac
and some marginal notes to be a do
gas.cd law library! If you'd chang
assistants once q month and win fou
cases during one term of office, you
only need three demands and a plu
hat to be a district attorney! You'v
got the idea! There is nothing moi
to be said on either side! Give 20
a black petticoat with sleeves to it an
. wart on your nose, and you'd onl
want a restaurant in the basemel
and a lounge up stairs TO be 4 Unite
States Supreme Court! What d'y
suppose a judge is for, a substitute
Think he sets around to ease the pri
oner. turn and turn about? Got son
kind Of an idea that be is 4 work c
etiquette, with notified leaves and
yellow binding, and Tommy fro
Fanny, on the fly? tell you he pr
sides! And anybody but a half WI
ted woman who didn't think with b
heels and reason with the rat he
next door wouldn't need to be to
of it more times than she makes
idiot of herself!'
elf he presides. It's al! right I
joined Mrs. Spoopendyke, with a sii
of relief, "but l got the idea that
went there to feel the public sen
ment, and then say those were
views, and he was only helping t
prosecution to see the error of G'
teau's ways before his conduct "
snapped up and used against him
Mr.. Sp~oopendyke drew off his clo'
ing solemnly, fired the pieces in
different corners, and waded into b
with the stern reflection that $50
people only need whiskers and a II.
book full OF bad lectures on repeal
statutes to be a modern law school
II don't care" muttered NJ
Spoopendyke II like those eApel
and / wish my husband would go il
sho husinooo They may not lH