The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1882-11-24
WHY WE LAUGH.
Never telephone anything you do not
wish repeated.

Never teLa-phone anything you do not
wish repeated.
November 30-Autumn leaves.-Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
. Whitelaw Reid has been married only one
year and Is printing bitter editorials against
bossism.
It Is not believed that Henry Ward Beech
er will ever become crazed through religious
4, excitement.
Paris scientists have succeeded in inoccu-
lating mule with smallpox. It Is won-
der the animal didn't kick against it.-Nor-
risto,rn Herald.
An oil producer was requested to give q
! judgment note for debt he owed, but firmly
refused, saying: 'No sir, will never sign
judgment note. did IL once, and come
very near having to pay it."-Ou City Der
rick.
"Pa, I'll Re right sorry wheI you get we'll, {"
said little Austis boy to his sick parent.
"Why, my son?" "Because won't get any
more empty medicine bottles to sell. sell
'em for five cents apiece to the drug store"
TEXAS Sytings.
"Few men are born to rule" and that Is
what the book keeper thinks when he comes
In after lunch and the old man has been
trying to close an account on the ledger with
. spattering pen and nickel ruler.-Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
1t Is learned that 81, ,000, 900 bushels of corn
are converted into whisky every year. This
statement goes against the grain of every one
whs thinks the pigs of this country don't get
enough. The whisky pig gets the most
probably because 1t Is still.-Pittsburg Tel
egrdph.
"You advertise that there Is fine stream
ofwater on the farm. don't see it," remarked
stranger who wanted TO rent the place.
The landlord said: "Just work that pump.
handle little and you'll see fine stream
OF water. You don't expect to have the NJ.
agara Falls on the place for SIS month, DO
you ?"-Terds Siftings.
Swaggs had sworn he would not touch an.
other drop. "The moment take another
drink" he said, ~ hope will be my last"
The next day he found himself In saloon.
He was firm for a good while, but finding
bis resolution giving away, he walked up to
the bar, with the solemn adjuration, "Boys,
II anything happens, swear it was apoplexy."
Two Irishmen were asleep In the attic of
house which caught fire. One of them, in q
hurry to escape, got his pantaloons on front
side back and jumped in the street below.
His companion seeing him falling all in q
heap, called to him, "Whist, Jerry, are We
Kill: intoirelyp" And Jerry gathered him.
self up and discovering the strange adjust
ment Of his garment aforesaid, shouted back,
"Not intoirely kilt, but upon me soul I'm
fatally twisted"
"When is yer gwne ter Fredericksburg p,
sknA a. l.
read, of one who had not acquired that &C.
cemplishment. {" am gwine ter-morrow
mornin,' In de early stage" "Don't yer 20 |
In de early stage. Julius. tells yer, don't |
yer risk it," "Why not, PompeyP" "Be. |
kase de early stages am sickly. l read q |
piece yesterday, warnin' folks about con-
sumption in de early stages."-Teras Sift-
ings.
Advice given by practical old father to |
his son, just setting out for Paris: MY son,
never possess yourself of the property of |
another; it is wong to do so; and, besides,
you have ample mears Of your own. Never
the truth; 1t does hotpay. Do not
oppress the feeble, but, at the same time,
there Is no necessity for interfering In their
behalf; you would only make enemies of |
both sides. And endeavor never to have any
enemies, or, which comes 10 the same thing,
any friends. Goodbye. Bless you!"
A Western man has been telling the Phil.
adelphia Press man how Western cities grow,
He says he went off into the mountains
and night coming on he went to
sleep in tree to be out of the reach of the
wolves. He was awakened early next morn
ing by some workmen, who told him to get
down and finish his nap on the court house
steps, as they wanted to turn that tree into a
dag pole for the hotel across the way. He
got down, and while rubbing his eyes, was
nearly run over by street car, and got bis
'eet tangled in an electric light wire.