The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1882-07-07
Umbrellas.
IN. Y. Times.l

Rain brings out the umbrellas This may
not be very profound observation, but 1t COM
pares favorably with the proverb that night
brings out the stars, both in profundity and
originality Yesterday being rainy day in
this city and its suburbs, umbrellas swarmed
in the streets and dripped all over the people
in the street cars. Most of these umbrellas
were comparatively new, and the fact sug-
gests the question, What becomes of old UNI
brellas?
There are at present in this country at least
100000 of private umbrellas, exclusive of
those remaining unsold in manufactures and
shops. Each umbrella owner buys at least one
new umbrella every year, his previous enc
having been stoIen lost or worn out. We thus
see that there is an annual disappearance OF
M,000,000 of umbrellas, and the moment we
fully comprehend this fact we perceive the i'm
portance of the question, What becomes OF
these umbrellas?
We may admit that many of them are stolen.
Men who would not steal one-cent postage
stamp will, nevertheless, feel no hesitation in
seizing upon any umbrella that is temporarily
separated from its owner and in carrying 1t OF
with triumph. About one-sixth OF the titles to
all umbrellas now in active use is probably OF
this semi-felonious nature There is said to be
a rich umbrela-seller in this city, whose stock
costs him absolutely nothing, since it is collect
ed by playing upon the consciences OF his fel-
low-men. He walks along Broadway, and
when he sees desirable umbrella he stops the
man who is carrying it and remarks: Tex
cuse me, my friend, but you have my umbrel-
la" At least every fourth man thus stopped
knows that his title to the umbrella in his pos
session will not endure investigation, and SO
he hastily surrenders the umbrella, remarking
as he does SO: 81 was looking for an owner
for it, and intended to send it to police head
quarters this afternoon" On every overcast
and threatening day this ingenious collector
who is always followed by boy with hand
eart-gathers in from 70 to 100 umbrellas,
which he afterWard sells at the usual retail
price.
But, conceding that one-sixth of the active
umbrellas are stolen or sold for the second time,
there still remain eighteen million Of umbrel-
las whose annual disappearance is to be &C
counted for. Let us assume that of this num-
Der two million are furnished with new covers
and fresh coat of varnish, and SO re-enter in
to circulation as new umbrellas. Still there
sixteen millions m ore which vanish utterly
from the face of the earth.
In the case of the disappearance OF pins-a
familiar subject which has occupied for many
wears, the attention of our statisticians and 9TH
er scientific persons-it is easy to say that their
small size enables them to successfully con-
ceal themselves. Old umbrellas have not this
advantage. Next to hoopskirt an old UNI
Drella Is the lnOSb ODLruslV6 tuluS III HatuIS
Not only does it refuse to conceal itself, but ii
attacks every one who comes within its reach,
and cings desperately to his legs and garments.
Its ribs protrude in all directions, like the
tenta6les of the octopus, and no amount OF
force or ingenuity can compress it into small
space To get rid of an old umbrella will be
seen, on reflection, to be apparently one of the
most abstruse and difficult of problems.
1t is well established that old umbrellas are
not kept in houses. The housewife, when ques.
toned as to what has become of any given old
umbrella, will always reply vaguely: ooh, il
not be understood literally If sixteen millions
of old umbrellas were thrown into the street
every year, they would be blown about. in
clouds thicker than the ordinary city dust
cloud, and there would not be horse or pc
destrian in existence who had not sustained in
iuries from old umbrella ribs. When the
housewife "throws away an umbrella it I'M
questionably vanishes, but what she calls
throwing away" is obviously peculiar and
mysterious act
Hasty thinkers may assume that old umbral-
las are cast out into vacant lots whore they are
promptly devoured by goats. This may seem
a plausible theory to anyone but zoologist.
The latter knows, however, that, While the
goat may be roughly described as an omnixer-
ous animal, he is not umbrelliverous I'm
doubtedly goats do eat hoopskirts, and in the
DAYS when hoopskirts were fashionable thous-
ands of goats were fattened upon them exclu-
sively. The umbrella has so many character
istics of the hoopskirt that one would natural
ly suppose that it would tempt the appetite OF
goats, but it is well ascertalned fact that. for
some unexplained reason, no goat will touch
an umbrella except when suffering from star
walton. Prof. Tyndall kept goat for seven
days without food, and offered him an old UNI
brella every day, but the goat would not touch
| it till the seventh day, when, being overcome
with hunger, he ate three ribs and part of the
handle, an6 died two hours later with symp-
toms closely resembling those produced by
strychnine This experiment may be regarded
| as conclusive, and we must acquit the goat oil
| all share in causing the disappearance of UNI
| brelas.
To some extent it is possible that old umbrel
| las are used in cheap restaurants, the ribs be.
| ing served up under the name of asparagus
| but only very small proportion of sixteen
| millions of umbrellas can be annually used in
| this way. Neither does the occasional use Of
an umbrella as a club by vigorous female re-
| former have any real bearing on the subject
| There is positively no theory which account,
| satisfactorily for the disappearance of old UNI
| brellas, and it is the imperative duty of scion
| tifc persons to invent theory without further
| delay.
Truly we live in world of mystery, and NJ
| thinking man can look at his umbrella and ash
| himself where it will go when it is worn GU
| without feeling that he stands on the shore O.
| an ocean of UNEMPLOYED truths.