The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-05-03
FLOATING FANOIEs.

The whisper of a beautiful woman can be
heard further than the loudest call of duty.
"My wife," remarked Fitznoodle, is fairly
crazy over the fashions. She's got the deli
rum trimmins
We meet in society many beautiful and at
~tractive women whom we think would make
excellent INVESTOR our friends.
A San Francisco man has been arrested for
deceiving a widow. While his crime is to
be abhOrred, it must be admitted, says the
Boston Post. that his genius commands ad-
miration.
A man intruded in an Irisbman;s shanty
the other day. what do you want?',
asked Pat. Nothing" was the visitors re-
the whisky was"
At a blowing match in Scotland the other
day, a prize being offered to the plowman
who had been a total abstainer for the long
est period, was won by a man who had tasted
nothing since dinner time that same day.
At Baltimore the other day Kate Claxton
tipped and fell into the gutter. 1mmedia' e.
" q dozen men ran to her assistance; where
as, If she had been q man, everybody would
have passed by with the laugh, Hello! he's
drunk again."
An enterprising man IN St. Louis has o.
fered Guiteau 5000 for the suit of clothes he
wore when be shot the president, and $3.50
for those worn during the trial. 1t is a good
price for old clothes, and Guiteau won't need
them after June 80.
A Lesdville man in one week was attacked
and scratched by a catamount, hurt by an
explosion, had a boulder roll on him and
stave in two ribs, and was kicked by a mule.
And a local editor remarked that he had been
annoyed by circumstance lately.
First military man-'tSo poor Wright's
dead" Second ditto-"Yes, he's gone;
whisky fetched him at last.t t. ''Poor Wright,
he was a good fellow, but he didn't now
how to drink. What'll you take, Colonel? ?"
Bourbon straight" "What's yours Gen
eral?" .Same thing" 'Well, here's to
poor Wight"
young subscriber wants to know ''what
is an organ7" 1t is in the opposition paper,
my SOD; the vile and trucking sheet through
whose venomous maw, fetid with vice and
fostering with the lothsome corruption in
which it daily walloWs, the other party,
blistered with the plague spot of political
leprosy, sewers the noisome filth Of its pesti-
lential ideas. Gur-r-r! That's what an or
gan is, my boy. Gu own paper is a Fearless
and Outspoken Champion for the Truth.
You have noticed that.
Miss Kate Field, who a few weeks ago
dashed into print in defense of the knee
breeches of our fathers, says she has received
numerous. letters of thanks, many of them
coming from the West. If any mar assumes
from this that the West is growing asthetic
it is q sure sign that his own American tours
have not extended west of the Alleghanies.
To the average Western mal knee breeches
would be a positive blessing, for at presen
he has no special use for the lower ends Of
his trouser legs except to crowd them into
the tops of his boots, where they accumulate
dust in dry weather and moisture during the
showers. Ii some one will 60 West with an
assortment of knee breaches and teach the
natives to wear them, he may make money,
but any sunfowers, lilies or long haired
poems that he may take along will prove the
| deadest Of dead stock.