The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1882-11-11
THE STORY OF A NOSE.

am woman -hater, and of course, an
old bachelor, rather excentric-my
friends say decidedly eccentric.
had made up my mind at the age CT
seventeen to despise the sex. I regard
ed them as interested and selfish, with
but one aim, and that was matrimony,
to accomplish which they would make
use of all sorts of deceptions and arts,
until they had secured the victim. and
then, and not until then, they would ex-
hibit their true colors. Hence, though
I had often been solicited by my friends
to make the acquaintance of very agreea-
BILE young ladies, I had always strongly
refused. But "mais revenons a notre
mouton.
I was one day walking along rather
musingly, when / came in sudden col
lision with two young ladies. ] made
rather q hurried apology for running
against them, which they graciously re-
ceived, and then passed on. looked
back at the young ladies accidentally,
and perceived that one of them was look
ing back also. She blushed slightly on
being discovered, and I blushed also,
without knowing why. There was, per-
haps something peculiar in her appear
ance. She was slightly made, had light
hair, blue eyes, rather melancholy
cast of features, and very pretty
mouth. But let me come to the center
of attraction, which was her nose. She
had one of the most ravishing noses that
mortal eyes ever beheld.
Reader, pray do not laugh here. It
was very beau ideal of nose; it was a
Grecian. as indeed, all her features were.
thought could discover in the one
little organ all the elements of thought,
poetry, intellectually and-no-not
love-1 hate love. / had but short
glance at it, but it seemed, even in that
little time, that her conntenance under
went thousand changes, all of which /
ascribed to the power of her nose, such
an intellectual nose, nose that knows"
something; yet such mischievous look
ing nose, a nose up to snuff--ln short, a
feature to be sneezed with, but not to
be sneezed at went to bed late that
night and dreamed of that nose.
I awoke early next morning, and de-
termined on an introduction to its pos
SCISSOR. / was fortunate enough to fud
one of my friends who knew the lady in
question, and he undertook to present
me to her that evening. I was in state
of restlessness bordering on distraction
until evening came. ran into the gar
den to look at the dial for all bachelors
have dials. ] liked mine better than a
clock there was something in its C rcle
that reminded me of jolly, sunny face;
and its pointer looked not unlike huge
nose.
bade her goodbye, took my leave,
and hoped to have the pleasure of fur
ther acquaintance, to which she kindly
responded.
The next day l bought treatise on
Noseology, and being somewhat of a
trigonometrician took my instrument to
find the precise proportions of her nose.
Having ascertained it to be an acute
angle triangle of about forty degrees,
sailed out for a walk, examining the
noses of everybody met so particularly
that almost had mine pulled more than
once during the day for my supposed
impertinence.
At length the evening came. par
took of slight supper and some fruit.
chose that peculiar kind of apple called
"sheep's nose" l then took my friend s
arm, and sailed out in a very nervous
state of mind. A few minutes walk
brought us to the domicile of the young
lady, and was introduced to her. Her
name was Helen Somerville. endeav-
ored to commence conversation, but felt
extremely awkward. We talked of all
subjects. She laughed outright at my
confusion more than once. All the time,
however, I was watching her nose-it
was perfect. She jokingly asked nae if I
had seen the elephant, told her yes, and
commenced discussion on its probociss.
We spoke about the classics. men,
toned Cicero and Ovidius Naso; their
names pleased me. beautifully CHS
eled," said I, still regarding the object
Of my admiration.
She then spoke about love, and, like
all young ladies, iested about bachelor
ship, saying that the gentlemen could
never get married.
mot at all, said /, ''the difficulty is
to find nose-I mean a lady to suit;
'facilis descensns Averni, sed reyocare
gradus.
She fairly shrieked, and exclaimed
against those horrible classics, asking
me if saw anything of the blue stocking
about her.
She seemed anxious to draw me into
conversation, and asked me if I had ever
been TO Niagara.
''What bridge~ said I, in an under
tone.
81 don't like the bridge at ALL" said
she, pettishly.
Pardon me, miss" said I, coloring,
81 have said, perhaps, too much
She seemed to think I had said too
little.
Not knowing exactly the etiquette oi
courtship, / supposed the best way tc
conciliate my Dulcinea would be tc
purchase her some presents. armed
myself with beautiful bouquet II pre-.
fer the country name, ''nosegay, and
a dozen fine handkerchiefs, and started
for her house again. With some hesita
ton presented my gifts. She seemed
a little surprised at the handkerchlefs
but smiled graciously at the bouquet
and held it to her nose. trembied with
delight and admiration. ] began to fee
queer. l experienced an irresistible
desire to pull that beautiful little nose tc
see how it was fixed on. In the midst
of my trepidation, scarcely knowing
what did, fell upon my knees.
"My dearest Helen" said ], catching
hold Of her hands and looking into hel
eyes, or just little below them, while
Miss Helen blushed deeply, II am fran
ticalIy. madlv, devotedly in love-"
thought felt slight pressure of ths
hand, which encouraged me, with-witl
an object that has not the power to re
ciprocate."
WHO told you, sir, said she, blush