Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1882-01-09
FAIRLY FUNNY.

Mrs. Livermore is lecturing on "The
Boy of Today" who is out i'll front of
the church waiting for 1.-The Coming
Girl"
A flashing note says: "Worth has
sat down on striped materials" You
can wager he didn't crumple them
enough to take anything otfthe price.
Two Girls at Greenwich, Eng, climbed
five fences, wrenched eta lock, and
plumdered hOu 'e lately. If this goes
on, male burglars will have to strike,
like the cigar men.
A lady who sufiere from phthisis,
When asked by her love for khthiSiS,
said, ave SuCl 4 cougn
You had better - OUgh.
And be counting some healthier mhthisiS"
A railroad man met with painful
accident the other evening. He had
inst emptied one schooner Of beer, and
was i'm the act Of reaching for another
when his wife appeared unexpectedly
upon the scene. He was caught be-
tween the bumpers with the usual result.
A Michigan bac6wOodman, young
and handsome, but untutOrCd and rude,
has married the accomplished daughter
of a wealthy tourist, and taken her to
his cabin i'm the forest, where he chops
wood for living. Her father, unable
10 recover her by law since she was old
enough To LEGALLY choose husband for
herself, has sensibly taken board at q
Milwaukee hotel, where he IS now
patiently waiting for be girl to volun-
tarily return. al may be delayed three
months he says, "but l don't believe
IL will be so many weeks THESE little
incidents of travel are worrisome, yet
not very serious
"Oh, yes,r said Mrs. Brown, as she
surveyed with evident pleasure her lit
tie parlOr sideboard, covered with. old
china and decorated with highly-colored
tiles: "Mr. b. remarked last night
that was becoming quite an atheist"
and the old lady's cOuntenance fairly
becamed with delight as her eyes rested
on l6-cent Japanese teapot.
Under the midst and moonlight |
wander alone" sights long-haired
poet, and we don't wonder as it. If he
would only visit q BARRIERS shop, cut his
finger-nails close and black his boots,
we presume he could get some one to
wander "under themidSt and the moon
Light with him. 1t is settled fact
that YOU have got to look sort of finicky
before you can get a girl to walk out
with YOU.
1t was New England girl who asked,
HWhy it is that two souls, mated in the
impenetrable mystery of their nativity,
float by each other on the ocean currents
of existence without being instinctively
drawn together, blended and beautified
in the asSimilated alembic of eternal
love%' That is an easy one. 1t is be-
cause butter is 45 cents q pound, and
good sealskin sac9ue cost as high as
$500. The necesSaries of life must eX-
perience fall in price before two souls
will readily blend in the assimilated
alembic and so forth.
Smythe, Forbes, and Parkinson, fear
ing lest they should suecumb to the
charms of Maud, Marian, and Maggie
Wilmot land the wiles of those young
ladies' clever mama), secure berths on
| board the TransOceanic steam yachting
company's vessel Columbo for trip
around the world. Just as they paid
there fares $4,000 each), whom should
meet coming into the company's Office
but Mrs. Wilmot herself, with her three
lovely daughters at her heels-all evil
IDENTIFY bent on the same GRAND.