The Northern Pacific farmer. [volume] (Wadena, Minn.) 1878-1885, 1882-03-30
FELIX AND MARIA ANN.


Once upon q tine, and very good tlneS
it was, there lived /. fair young MAIDEN
whose name was Mary Ann. 80,
She wasn't q tall dark-eyed maiden VIII
lips like cherries, teeth IKE mliK, "nne
pearls, and cheeks covered with blushes;
Her form was not q bit like Hebe. On,
no! there was none of those things around
her. On the contrary, she was short ana tnlli'
and had red hair, freckles, and q second
hand set of teeth; but still she would pass
in crowd.
Now there was q young man who WAS
smitten with er, and his name war Felix.
or more familiary known as Felix McGothn'
He wasn't very fine-looking, and did noz
have curly BROW hair or black mustaehe
This Felix was in love with Mary Ann;
but did he 20 and make deliberate ass OF
himself? Did he, 1 say. 60 into grove
with her, and in the soft moonlight, by the
streamlet that murmured sWeetly by, anu
with tender zephyrs signing through the
foliage fall down upon his knees, seize her
jewelled hand, breathe his deep affections
in the tender accents of love, and swear by
yon bright orb above US always to ne hef
own? Say, did he? My gentle readers,
want to know if he did,
Not very muchly, and you can put up
your whole weeks wages on that.
Felix knew loo much about the price OF
pants to 20 founderiDg around on the wet
grass with his Sunday clothes on; besides.
he never cared about streamlets, or any
cold water, except to mix it with his bltters.
It is exceedingly strange, but this ln1atu-
ated Felix met her at the alley-gate, and ne
stood right up on his old legs and says:
"Say, Mary, old gal; s'pose we get
hitched?'
How did Mary behave? Did she 60 to
dropping asleep on the wet bricks IN
dead faint, or did she hide her gen tie mead
on his shirt bosom to conceal her bushes?
No! She|didn't say: Il am thine, my own
love, my dear beloved Felix" On, my, no!
She looked right into his bleared eyes
and says:
Felix, old boy, I am the gal for these
sort of things. Get in lemmins; and in
stead of referring him to her father she
merely said: wont the old man bust out
when you tell him." and she laughed
heartily; but never q word did she say to
Felix in regard to modifying her father
No! this naughty child very wickedly ad.-
vlsed him to "bust the old mans crust if
he was inclined to be windy"
She was an extraordinary female, this
Mary Ann.
The old man wasn't wealthy, for he was
in the retail soap-fat BUSINESS and he
didn t think Felix Was nosing around for
his cash; consequently, VIII en- Felix asked
him for his daughters hand, he neither Or
dered him away tiercely, nor did the dewy
moisture glisten in his eagle eye as he
passed his benedictions on them, and Sal d.
Bless you, my children; bless you"
Oh, no; nothing of the sort. He just
blew his red old horn on his handkerchief
and told Felix to take her along, for he was
glad to get rid of her at any price, and Fe-
lix would be the same way mighty soon, for
she was dreadful on victuals, and always
smashed something when she got mad.
So you see there was no necessity for hlu,
TO come at midnjght's solemn hour in a
black Marie, and throw rope-ladders up to
her lattice and whistle three times on a
watch key; then COUP hand over hand; bring
her down in one hand, her frank in the 9th
or, and band box and q waterfall unde.,
each arm.
Oh, no, he wasn't on that lay; so he just
went out in the yard and out of pure joy he
slang the cat three Or four times oyer bis
cart and drove Mary Ann right down tc,
Judge Smith to have the job done.
But the queerest thing of all was that he
had no tall, dark, rufianly rival with
scowling visage and dark whiskers, who
flew ct him with q drawn dagger and
horse pistol On each shoulder, crying wild
~ for Revenge! ha! ha! S'death!" and
civilian, thou diest!"
Not any. To be sure there was another
fellow, Patsy Schemmerhorn by name, in
love with Mary Ann, but he was a weak
eyed young man who had sandy hair and
wore spectacles and choker collar, and
always looked scared when you Lollered at
him. So when Schemmerhorn saw that
Felix had the best Of the girls affections,
he looked serene and said: go in, Felix.
if you banker for her."
Felix was trihe on the banker. He
sailed right in.
SO you see he had no trouble at all. There
was no urgent business that called him to
foreign land compelling him to bid her
goo1-by, and swear always to he "true till
death doth part u.s." and then 90 away and
forget her, and fall in love With dark
eyed Italian girl picking grapes in vine
yard with square towel cn her lead, while
his forgotten and forsaken Mary Ann grad
ualy sank away and baffled tue PHYSICIANS
skill, growing paler and paler, till at last,
when the June bugs were in bloom, living
gently down to die. while through the win
dow hoated in the baln.y odor of iassarlines
and honeysuckles; and he, coming home at
last, filled with remorse, going daily to the
cemetery strewing flowers DER her tomb,
and teaching his children to lisp her
name.
Never! Felix was & butcher.and he stay
ed home, and killed fssand sold it at
high price. Mary Anne kept healthy and
was not disposed to pine or fade; and when
the ceremony was performed which would
make them man and wife, Mary didn't st
down in her room while they were dressing
her in white and mixing orange blossoms
in her hair, etc.; then 60 gently down stairs
with six bridesmaids ut her heels, and
stand up with her own dear, and weep gent
~ while she was being married by the
magistrate, and then get lots of presents
and go to her new home, and live through
all the happy years with Felix, never know
ing sorrow or trouble hereafter.
Why, of course she didn't: for it WASH
her style, you see. She rushed upstairs
and put on her pink.muslin and went to the
Tombs, and never wept a particle, and re-
ceived no presen is, except 10 cents from
the old man to Say her car fare, and sto
walked and saved her money; and when at
the magistrates, she just rose from tho
bench, and told Felix that she didn't see
the use in marrying, and she didn't like
him anyhow; SO she went home, and Felix
went with her, and told hen be wasn't sorry,
as he did not want her, for he guessed she
was rough on clothing, anyhow.
And so they never got married, and the
whole thing turned ont wrong, bat l could
not help it, for I will not put on record
things that are not so.
But it's fact that there was something
strange about Mary Ann, SO we will have TO
let it slide rs it is.
Wall Street Kings,
From an Interview by 'tsatl,."
WHO has been the most successful opor-
ator during the Year,?
william Vanderbilt, D. O. Mills and
Jim Keene. Vanderbilt has got more mon
o1rf b,,, nllf