The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1882-06-15
Teaching a Calf to Drink.

Those who have had q mournful ex-
~perience, know that there is nothing more
trying to the soul than the operation of
teaching a young calf to drink. The
process is familiar to every man who has
brought up a calf from infancy. You
seize a pail of warm milk, go into the
stable, catch the calf by the ears, back
him into a corner and bestride his neck.
The idiot rather likes this, and while
you are reaching for the pail, he en-
ploys his time in SOLDERING the lower
corners of your jacket. You discover
what the blockhead is about and box his
ears. You can't help it. You feel that
can't tell for the life of him why he has
unexpected "founce." He believes he
will go over and stay on the other side of
the stable. but he doesn't announce this
beforehand. He starts on the impulse
of the moment and you can't tell Just
when he arrives there. You ride along
with him a little way. But the laws of
grayitation are always about the same.
Your legs-one on each side of the crit
ter-keep up with the calf for about a
second, but your body doesn't. You
slide over the calf, and your back kisses
the floor. Your head is soaking in the
pail of milk. When you get up you are
mad-uncommonly SO. Milk runs from
your hair and imprecations out OF your
mouth. There is buttermilk in your
eye, and you solemnly declare you will
learn that calf to drink o. break his
blanked neck. The calf doesn't know OF
this resolve, and he glares at you IN
| stupid fright from across the stable. He
lis not aware that he was he cause OF
i,yodf downfall, and. wonders ignorantly
what in thunder is the matter. You
don't try to explain it to him, but furl-
ously catch him by the ears, look back
over your shoulder at the milk pail, and
back up toward it, dragging the calf after
you, who baw1s out in a manner which
seems to say, els this the way you treat
a fellow-creature ?" You again back into
the corner, sling your left leg over him
and once more try to get his head IN
chancery. The calf attempts a little
more funny business and plunges sud.
denly forward. You are on the lookout
for breakers this time, and having a firm
hold on his ears, you mutter through
your clenched jaws, emo you don't,
honey" But he does, though, and you
"cross the continent" together by the
"rapid transit" line. You hadn't in
tended to go, but that is where you and
the calf didn't see it alike. You take his
view of it a few. moments later. You
astride off the calls neck and jamming
the fingers of one hand into its mouth,
you place the other on the back of his
head and above his nose into the pal
for drink, fully resolved to strangle him
if he don't drink. The calf holds per
fectly stiIl-ominously so-and there il
silence in heaven for the space of half &
minute, at the end of which time the
blockhead, who hasn't drank a drop, sud
denly makes a splurge, knocks the pal
to "kingdom GOMEZ milk and all ; YOU
are again reduced to a horizontal from
perpendicular, and when you rise thu
excitement is intense. You have beer
soaked with milk, "slobbered" on, ant
hurt and abused the worst way. Not
drop of milk has gone down the inferna
brute's neck and there be stands glarinl
at you, ready to furnish you another fire.
ride anywhere you want to go. With al
affidavit you bang him over the hea'
with the empty pail and hobble out o
the pen, mad and hurt all through, full.
resolved to let your four-footed foe
starve.