The National tribune., 1882-11-09
SOME Substitutes.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the News
papers.


papers.
Some women are giddy because they dress in
the height. of fashion, Wheeling Journal.
The lah-de-dah cigarette smoker may be
classed as third-class mail matter.-C IeUeland
Leader.
Thirsty men catch at straws oftener than
drowning ones do.-NeO York Commercial Ad-
gertiser.
No matter how loose an engagement may be
the diamond never slips around on the inside
of lady's fnger.-Puct.
"Isaac, if youa are good to-day you may carry
up some wood, bu- if you are naughty you
must carry it up Hegeade Blqtter.
"Where are the men of '76?" shrieks an
exchange. Oh, to Halifax with the men of rs!
Give us the women of 23!-BuriingtOn Harkeye.
Oscar Wilde had narrow escape the other
day A hungry goat attacked him, thinking he
was a circus poster.-M Y. Commercial Adrsr-
tiser.
1t is plain to be seen that good many Of
the ward politicians who attend primary meet
ings have never attended primary school,
Boston Courier.
We are willing to take a certain amount OF
stock in newspaper accounts of Western cy-
clones, but when an Arkansas paper tells about
a zephyr carrying bed quilt sixty-one miles,
and then going back for the sheet, we amt
there.
Merchant (paying wages)-"I don't see what
we can do with you, Charles, in our business.
You are so stupid! You don't seem to learn any
thing" Charles (coal-deliverer)-"I dunno.
There's one thing I've learnt any'ow-as six
'un'dweight o'coals makes a toni" His
services are retained.-P,mch
One day toward nightfall, and in uncertain
light, a man bought an overcoat of pretended
plum color. The next morning it proved to be
of quite too unmistakable green. Returning
it to the shopkeeper, that worthy regarded the
buyer calmly and said: "You must have
little patience with it, my dear sir; it isn't
ripe yet."-Le Figaro.
Old epigrammatic conversation between a
clergyman and traveller: C. I've lost my port
manteau. T. pity your grief C. My ser
mons are in it. T. l pity the thief more
modern and altogether more Arkansaw way of
holding a similar conversation would be: C.
I've lost my demUohn. t. pity your grief.
c. Ny whisky was in it. 7. Let's look for the
thief.-Arkansaw TraUeier.
"Jedge, can't a man git a divorce from
mighty immodis' 'ooman?' asked a colored gen.
tleman of the Chief Justice of Arkansas. as
your wife immodest?" "Yas, sir; de unmod-
dis CONAN eben yerself cher seed What
has she done to show her lack of mOdesty?"
why, sab, she stole a dollar from me yister-
day That wasn't immodesty; it was theft"
"Yas, sees now. So dat's what yer call it?
Well reckon III hab to come back wild anuder
Observation-Disclosures TraUeisr.
When young Mr.. Dusenbury Jones called at
the residence of Miss Constance Cortland Van
Rensselaer, he was informed by the Irish do
nestle, who responded to the ring OF the door
bell, that her young mistress was sick. Mr..
Jones's face grew visibly paler and his voice
betrayed some agitation as he asked: May I
inquire the nature of her ilIness?" Bridget
answered with perfectly straight eounte-
nance: They call it love, sur. l believe it's
some sort of shkin disease" -Br0Oktyn Eagle.
"You say you heard both shots fred?"
asked an Austin lawyer who was crOss-examin-
ing witness in murder ease. Eyes, sab, l
heard bofe shots. Dey was fired simultane-
ously, sab" Are You sure of lt?" Yes,
sab: bofe OBJ 'em was fired simultaneously. I
wasn't more dan forty feet of at de time"
But on the direct examination you swore the
shots were fired one after another, and now
you say they were fired simultaneously
Jess what 1 said, sab. Bofe shots was fred
one after anudder."-Tsras
Sitnqs.
Hon Silverplated Coffin Orr was arguing
with a man who asserted that the colored race
never held any positions of honor among the
ancient Jews. "Now, lookee heah sah," ex-
claimed the old man; dat am fabricated
ontruth, an hit shows dat yer never read yer
Bible. Hah! yer ignoramers, who was Niger
Demus? Wasn't he a ruler of der jews? Yah!
yah! yah Guess dis niger got yer dar! Whose
old Niger Demus, honey?" and the old man
limped away, chuckling heartily at his sup
posed victory WhitehaU Times.