The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-09-23
THE PARAGRAPH FIEND.
An arrow escape--William Tell.
The dog for q surgeon--A setter.

An arrow cscape-William Tell
The dog for surgeon-A setter.
From the German-A glass Of beer.
The noblest pursuit Of woman-An honest
man.
Gum Arabic-The language talked by a
toothless pasha.
Englshmen begin with ale and then they
get stout.
The star reuters are to have a new trial.
II is not thing OF beauty, but jaw forever.
~ am out on bail. Personally ! would
prefer to be out on hurrah. "-DorSey.
Why should tenant insist on lower rent
when all rent is hire?
The man with a sentimental turn of mind
Is not necessarily crank.
Now they say Jumbo Is not an elephant.
but Jersey mosquito with his wings cut OIL
II Ia called the Greenback. Labor Party.
The labor is to get the greenbacks.- Or
leans Picayune.
The man who ''lodged complaint" and
"boarded a car" says'he is going out of the
hotel business.
The Colorado beetle has travelled to Eu-
rope but the mosquito stays to hum.-Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
"Marrled for Life" Ia the title of novel by
Chicago author, (which Is an ientiIely new
idea In Illinois. -Lo,reN Citizen.
There's this to be SAID in favor OF Adam and
Eve: There's no evidence that they lied about
the size OF the snake Boston Post.
The King of Greece speaks English, French,
German, Greek and Danish. He also has
Thoughts of learning Massachusetts. --Chicd-
90 Tribune.
"Irs pity Judge Davis cannot press his
constitutional amendment" He should sit
upon It, That would press it.-Norristo'on
Herald.
The river Nile is said to rising, and the
Cincinnati Saturday Night says Jay Gould is
sorry he didn't buy 1t in when it was down.
There is no doubt about the success of the
Exposition this year, the discussion concern
ing nude art having been begun with more
than the usual vigor.
Il is time to let UP on the star route thieves.
In Boston barkeeper has been detected put
ting vinegar into squeezed lemon and usin
il a second time.--Terds SJhngs.
The Mormon Commission has made its first
report. movement to make polygamy
punishable with feading the reports OF the
commission is understood to be on foot.
A Wisconsin farmer was seen stopping up
the chinks in his dilapidated log house. A
big snake had crawled In and gone to bed
with him on the previous night, and he had
disliked 1t.
troit Saturday, two bears were purchased by
Cincinnati parties. This ia the first intma.
ton of a scarcity Of hotel clerks in Gin
cinnati.
At Grccnville, s. c., the people let their
hogs run in the street during watermelon
time in order to dispose Of the rinds left on
the sidewalks-by the other hogs
California well.diggers have discovered
trees standing upright at distance of sixty
feet below the surface. There are no harvest
apples on them. Burlington Ho'rkeye.
This bit OF conversation, which we find in
an exchange, is both timely and expressive:
81 think this ice cream tastes little cowy,"
said he. "Mine tastes bully" said she.
One OF the western society papers asserts
that Miss Trout is the reigning local belle.
Wonder If it would be considered compi-
mentary to speak Of Miss Trout as "a speckled
beauty. "-Boston Transcript.
A white owl, the fourth ever captured in
this country, is on its way to New York. The
white owl Of ornithology is almost as great a
curiosity as the white towel in printing
ofiice.-Indianapolis Journal.
President Arthur, in one Of his jaunting
speeches the other day, said 81 like boys"
but he omitted to say whether he liked them
roasted or broled.
One hundred and twenty applications for
divorce were granted at a recent term OF the
Supreme Court of Rhode Island, by way of a
wind.up, we suppose, of the recent gay sea-
son at Newport. 1t is noted as curious that
IS of the 100 complaints were filed by the
wife.
The weather bulletin says "the rivers will
remain stationary" This is truly migrate
full on the part of the rivers. After the lib
| eral appropriations that have been bestowed
on them, they should each ard all rise, II
| only to express their thanks. Boston Trans.
cript.
This is the last fish story, and comes in the
Marietta (Ohio) Register: Last week Mr..
Paris Peek had an out line set In the river, on
one Of the links OF which he found bass.
When he took the bass off the hook an eel
was found attached to the hook, which the
bass had swallowed. After removing the eel
| he found small bass in the cells mouth, and
| In the small basis mouth was the bait that
had been on the hook"
In lecture Henry Ward Beecher said
'In this country smart men have always a
chance" That is true enough; but after
they have had II hundreds of them shake
| their country and go to Canada and stay un,
til the Directors fix up the affair with the
stockholders.-Ne,O Orleans Picaytne
In Mr.. Surgeons inexhaustible fund Of
illustrative stories ID one of man who used
to say to his wife, "Mary, 20 to the church
and pray for us both" But the man dream
ed one night when he and his wife got to the
gate Of Heaven Peter said: "Mary, 60 in foE
both" He awoke and made up his mind
that it was time for him to become Chris
tian on his own account.
POEMLETS.
WHY SHE WAS MAD.
She slipped upon banana peel
This was sad;
She felt older than she used to feel
This made her mad;
| Nader yet was she at the man
| Who threw it there;
/ IN m ddast sh n hpc like a IN n