The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-06-15

A great many people don't go to
church for fear they may catch the
smallpox. There is danger that the
disease might ''mark the perfect man."
A Georgia planter says a negro will
do more work with two mules than with
three. OF course. He has one less mule
to fight Hss-t
81 know that she was well dressed"
said DR.. johnson, in speaking OF lady.
'for / do not remember what she had
on"
1t takes man seven years to raise an
alligator, and then the alligator is more
of nuisance than he was when first he
saw the light.
Human flesh is heir to 2,400 different
diseases. The intelligent doctor is
bound to hit some of them in examin-
ing a patient 1 d '''-'
That's what beats. me-" as the boy
said when he saw his father take the
skate-strap down, from its accustomed
nail. i-'si'sff
A little girl asked her sister what was
chaos that her papa read about. The
elder replied, at was great pile of
nothing, and no place to put it i'm
Doctor. examine my tongue, said
a good woman, land tell me what it
needs.,' 1T needs rest" replied the
doctor.
"Mr. Smith," said lady at fair,
s'won't YOU buy bOquet to present to
the lady you loveP' That wouldn't be
right, said Mr.. Smith, 'rm a married
man." p
At Highland hotel, the following un-
ique bill was presented to a gentleman
who had made a few hours sojourn
at the establishment: ''For eating your
self and horse four and thripence." )"
An English editor headed long ar
ticle ''Our Mammoth Fleet" The COM
positor left the ''L'' out. When the pa-
per appeared the guill-driver solemnly
swore he would never import another
American printer.
When man dies suddenly, s'without
the aid of physician" the coroner
must be called in. If man dies regu-
larly, after being treated by a doctor,
everybody knows why he died, and the
coroner's inquest is not necessary.
Cehsus-Tat er: "lIoo mony sleepers
were here last night?'' Buxom Young
Woman: ''S.eepers! There was nae
sleepers ava. Ma wee brither had the
toothache, an he greeted a nicht, an
no o'::ls, got a wink O. sleep the hale
time. w.
4 young la,ly, who is learning to play
on the piano. wrote the following note
to her music teacher q few days ago:
Dear Mrs. -, wish to be Xcused from
Taken a Lesson until ;tWeak from
Days as we will Be Co Buizzy and L
won't have Time 2 Praktess.'
A little fellow, four years old, went to
a blacksmith's S to see his father horse
shod, and was watching, closely the
work of shoeing. When the blacksmith
began pairing the horses hoofs, the. boy,
thinlung this was wrong, said earnest
ly, MY pa don't want his horse made
any smaller"
A Sunday school teacher asked:
''What bird is large enough to carry off
n manP" Nobody knew; but one little
girl suggesttdt ga lark, And then she
explained Mamma said dpapa wouldn't
be home uni Monday, sbecause'he had
gone off ON - lark.'' : -
'My brethren, said western minis
ter, 1.-THE preaching of the gospel to
some people is like pouring water over
a sponge it soaks in and stays. To
others tits like the wind blowing through
a chioken-coop. My experience of this
congregation is that it contains more
chicken-eoops than sponges." '.'
A gentleman somewhat advanced in
IIfn unI ~ ,.l-a Ia 50,
his good looks, asked his grandchild
what he thought of him. Tine boys pa
rents were present. The youngster
made no reply. ''Well, why won't you
tell me what you think of him?'' Cause
l don't want to get licked" was the an
swer.
A Florids Indian, having bought a,
sewing-maehine and watched its work
ings carefully, kicked his wife out of
doors with the remark, NEED squaw
no morer@ A civilized white man feels
more like kicking the. sewing machine
agent ont of doors. =
A far Western man was very anxious
to see the capital of the United States,
lounge around Washington hotels and
go to the theatres, but he had not cent
to his name. So he daubed himself all
up with paint, dressed in a blanket and
moccasins, yelled like an Indian, took
few scalps, and in one week was on his
way to the capital in palace car to
have pow WOW with the White Father
At whale exhibition, younoster
asked his mamma if the whale that
swallowed Jonah had as large mouth
as the one before them why didn't Jonah
walk out at one corner. "You must
think Jonah was fool; he didn't want
to walk out and get drowned" was the
quick reply of q younger brother, be-
fore the mother could answer.
Percy, eight years old. just getting
over the measles, was sitting up in bed
and taking breakfast from tray on his
lap, which needed to be levelled up. His
father suggested that a book be used for
the purpose, whereupon the promising
youngster quickly replied: ''Yes. give
us Elijah, the Tishbite,' placing the
accent on the last syllable.
Two churchmen were deplorlng the
spread of agnosticism, when one of
them asked the other if he had ever
known.nn instance of a truly religious
man who had gone over to the heretics.
ayes, ,was the answer, 81 knew of a
pious Brooklyn shoemaker who rejected
Christianity because it encouraged be-
lief in the Immortality of soles.'' His
friend paid for the drinks.
A country schoolmaster had two pu-
pills, TO one of whom he was partial and
to the other severe. One morning it
happened that these two boys were late,
and were called up to account for it.
"You must have heard the bell, boys;
why did you not Gomez" please, sir,''
said the favorite, Il was dreaming that
] was going to Margate, and | thought
the school bell was the steamboat bell. -
Very WE'LL" said the master, glad of
any pretcXt to excuse his favorite .sAnd
now, sir" turning to the other boy,
"what have you to say?" please, sir"
said the puzzled boy, IL was waiting
to see Tom off,
There are no less than nineteen BALD
Mountains in the United States. When
a mountain begins to shed its hair,
4 IL.