Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1882-09-07
SpOOpendyke Crab.Ffshing.

| plug hat and business suit seated in a
| scow beside an attractive lady, feeling
around among a lot of strings pendant
| from the side of the boat, and warning
the lady that she could not keep too
quiet.
SHOW, my DEAR" observed the gem
tleman, "don't you move, because feel
crab on this line. I'll pull him up
until he IS in sight and then you slip the
net under him. See?''
Yes, DEAR" replied the lady, a
little fustered as she contemplated her
| share of the performance. ssBut, Mr.
Spoopendyke, what shall I do when
| get the net under him?"
Scalp himi" retorted Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, drawing slowly on the line Snow
wait, he's there" and Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke became even more cautious in his
movements. "See him! There he is!
Scalp him, quick!"
Mrs. Spoopendyke jabbed the net
into the water and swashed around
with great vigor.
"W What ye doing?" yelled Mr..
Spoopendyke, Strengthening up and
glaring at her, as the crab struck line
for Newark Bay. s'What'd We think 1
had there. the bottom of the river ?
What'd ye suppose ye was trying to
catch, a church? Take it out! Give it
herei" and he grasped the lady around
the waist and took the net away from
her.
"Did 1 scalp himp" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, flushed with her exer-
tons and trembling with her excite
ment. ''Show him to me! let me see
what he looks like!"
"Looks ike!" roared Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "He looks like Sandy Hook by
this time! Why didn't you scalp him?
What's the matter with you?'
ell couldn't tell which was his
head" faltered Mrs. Spoonendyke, who
hadn't seen anything at all. s'Pull him
up again, and you'll see if don't
scalp the last hair on his SKULL"
The English language lost its last
charm for Mr.. Spoopenkyke, and he
turned to his strings with a whitening
look of contempt for his wife.
Snow you be careful" he said at
length. "Here's another varmint, and
you mustn't let him get away. When I
say 'Scalp!' you shove the net under
him and just bring him aboard
"Can you see him yet?" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, waving the net over her
head and peering into the water.
"Wait! Yes, there he is! Careful.
remember. Now, scalp!"
He must have been crab of phe-
nomenal scholastic advantages to have
COTTON rid of that swoop, for Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, with view to redeeming her
self, went for the end of the string blind
ly, but with strength of purpose that
made failure impossible. She not only
got the crab, but she slammed net,
crab and all over Mir. Spoopendyke's
head.
"What-wah-h !" shrieked that
gentleman, as he felt himself inn
pounded.
s'Lost him again!" exclaimed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, who hadn't the remotest
idea what a crab looked like. "Why,
dear, what's that awful big spider in
the net! Good gracious!"
ssTake it Off" howled Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. ssTake it-wow! the thing has
got me by the ear! Haul him off, will
YEP"
Mrs. Spoopendvke dropped the ham
die of the net as if it were an old ia 81
toned bonnet, and gazed upon her hus-
band in CONSERVATION.
"Gast the crabi" yelled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, tearing the net away. ssLet 90,
We brute! Wah -ha!" and the unfortu-
nate man wrenched the fish from off his
ear and dashed it in the bottom of the
boat. s'What's your scheme in doing
thatp" he demanded, holding his ear
with one fist and shaking the other at
his wife. "Think you've got to eat 'em
right ont of the waterp Got notion
that he came up cooked and you must
down him quick Or he'll spOil?" yelled
Mr.. Spookendyke, enraged beyond all
control by the sight of the carnage that
trickled down his fingers. '.What'd We
mean by it?" and he sprang into the
air and alighted on the unhappy crab,
slipping up and sprawling full length in
the bottom of the boat.
"Was that a crab, dear?" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, assisting her husband to
arise and contemplating the mangled
fish with anything but favor. 'sIs that
what you call a crab? L thought
"You thought" ripped Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, kicking at the bewildered crab.
ssThat's the trouble with you-you think!
Did We think 1 was going to stand
here and let that crab chew on my ear
till his legs ached? P'raps We thought
he was whispering to me! Maybe We
thought he was telling ME funny sto-
ryl Well, he wasn't, and if he was his
voice was so hoarse 1 couldn't enjoy it!
Ye thought, did ye!' souealed Mr..
Spoopendyke, his wrath rising as the
pain and fear subsidized; "thought
crab talked with his toes. like some wo-
men think, did ye! Oh, you thought! If
had such head as that I'd fit it up
with shuck beds and a stick of gum and
start female boarding school! With
your ability to think, you only need
sGuint and four long words to be Con-
cord School OF Philosopher" and Mr..
Spoopendyke plunged the oars into the
water and began to row vigorously.
"Where are you going, dear?" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke, timidly, after her
husband had pulled hard tor some time.
ssHome!" grinned Mr.. Spoopendyke,
with horrible expression of visage.
Sim going home to show the people
how much damage a rusticating idiot
asylum can do with one measly crab
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