The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-06-08
WIT AND HUMOR.

nine,'' as the ague said to the victim.
A lawyer who climbs up on char
after u law-book gets little higher In
order chat he may get little lore.
"What is this man charged WITH"
asked the Judge. with whisky, yer
honor" replied the sententious police
man.
Glass eyes for horses are now made
with such perfection that the animals
themselves cannot see through the de-
ception.
A burglar got into the house OF
country editor the other night. After
terrible struggle the editor succeededin
robbing him.
1t used to take nine tailors to make
man. Now one good tailor, a shoema-
ker, and a barber can make what is call
ed society man.
A man living in the country finds
.lightning-rods on the house to be
great protection. They keep lightning
rod peddlers from calling.
Foga, who had been fed on pie for
day ortwo, informed his land-lady that
he was not fond of pasteboard. Fogg
was given his walking papers. w..
A Western paper announces that up
on the occasion of recent boiler explo-
sion, in the neighborbood between
three and four men were killed. L"
When Patrick saw the announcement
in shop window, ''Great Slaughter in
Clotliingsn he stepped in and inquired
for swan of thin kilt suits
The great social mania is to have ones
hand photographed. But when man
holds four and fails to get bet he
doesn't want his hand photographed.
In the East a man thinks he is serving
the Lord when he trades his wife for an
ass, sells the ass for what he can get,
and goes on pilgrimage to Mecca.
A Young man who didn't like the
color of his hair wrote to chemist,
asking, What is the best dying re-
ceiptP'' The chemist answered. Fool
with a loaded gun"
1t is only within the last few years
that policemen have discovered that
coffee doesn't prevent sleep at night.
There were years and years when they
dare not drink it.
This is the way to arrange that Hin
doc paragraph: When Hindoo swears
hefakes hold of the tail of COW. In
a
this country when q man takes hold OF
the tail of a COW he swears. cr
If it be true that Jesse James is in
heaven, great many simple-minded,
transformations people in this country,
who never scuttlcd railroad train nol
cut a throat, will sublet their church
pews ut very favorable terms.
At a town-meeting large taxpayer
l,,,sl
nsw ,school-hollse in 4 certain part oi
the town. whats the good of itP''
said he. "1'hey are an ignorant sci
down there, anyway"
He was sitting on the club house
steps. when Il gentleman came up tt
him and asked him if there was a gen
tleman with one eye named Walker In
the club. 81 don't know" was tho re
ply, swhat,s the name of the othel
eyeg = 1
do, for gracious sake, waiter, taxi
tlanses nut-crackers over to that man,
exclaimed nervous old lady sitting OPP
posite to7a party who was cracking nut
with his teeth. ''No, thank you," pO
litely returning them; ''mine are no
falseAt teeth" - Af-
Hi! where did you get them trou
sers2'' asked an Irishman of a man wh'
happened to be passing, with a remark
ably short pair of trousers. Il go
them where they grew" was the indig
nant reply. Then, by my consciencer
said Pat, you've pulled them a yea
too soonr'
Teacher How does the earth absorI
water2 Pupil--Like dog. Teacher
How do you make that out? Pupil
Don't we read of the lap of the earth
Tcacher-(io up another grade.
Miss Florence Toole, the 14-year-olt
daughter of the comedian is dPscrib
ed as the possessor of remarkable abili
ty, and it is thought that her father vii
presently be able to get his pieces writ
ten for him at home. There's nothin!
like having the Tooles in the hous
when one wants to construct play.
A Paris paper tells this purely Frencl
story. A woman seated on bench il
the Champs Elysees calls the attentio,
to her neighbor to passing equipage
''You see that little blonde in the car
riase with the tall, dark gentleman
Well, she is my daughter '' "Indeed
They are marriedP' He? Oh, yes
but not she."
An ancient Bohemian, who has come
into q snug fortune, isfelicitated warm
ly by an old acquaintance. ''Yes," say
the new CrGsus, refectigely, 1t is s
pleasant thing to have money. And de-
you know what is most agreeable abou
it?7 You feel, sir, that you are appreciate
ed; you find friends who esteem you f)l
your own qualities alone"
GtIVhot - 81 -,,.o IS ,<> 49,, Il
fuss over the little eccentricities of 9th
ers at the table?' exclaimed Fogg
"Why should humans make any more
bother about such things than pigs?
''But you must remember that we are
not used to dining with pigs" said Pin
grey, spaaring the last potato with his
fork. ''Some of us are not, and some
of us are replied Fogg. For some oc
cult reason everybody looked at Pin
grey and smiled.
She wanted to test his affection, so
picking up the revolver and putting hel
eye to the muzzle, she said innocently
81 wonderif it's loaded" ''Oh, don'f
he said, with manifest agitation. 1t sat
istied her that he loved her, and she ask.
ell indifcrcntly, "Why not?'' "Bc
cause" he answered, 'rve got house
rent to pay next month and a funera
would embarrass me-"
Sporting: "Is the game pretty good
this scason?' asked a California tourist
of a San Francisco urchin who with diff.
ticulty supported upon his shoulder q
fowling- piece almost as big as himself.
'Bully,f said the boy. "Plenty of snipe,
plover, and ducks, ] supposed" "Snipes
-plovers- ducks? Naw," was the con-
temptuoas answer. PLENTY of China
menr' ffa
A Hebrew vender of ready-made
clothing who had his nose bitten off in
a struggle with burglar was visited
the next day by a sympathizing Israel
ite. ''It.ish too pad ishn't itp' said the
mutilated merchant, extending his hand,
and looking the very picture of melan-
choly. 'tPyishimminy, it ish, Yacup,"
returned the visitor, sorrowfully con-
templating the havoc that the burglar
had made; ''nobody would ever know
you for "a Shew."
On certain occasion a train, which
Merewether had gone to meet was some