Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1882-06-07
SPICE AND ALLSPICE.

uOdI PION1SlOu QOdI6f.
MINoE pie, cheese, lobster salad. No
sleep. Time to think.-Picayune
SOME bootblacks clean boots by cleo
tricity,-that is, they Brush light.
WHY is piece of cheap flannel like a
dirty man? Because they both shrink
from washing.
The thrifty housewife never attains
perfection, for she is always mending.-
NeOburYport Herald.
JUDGES" said lawyer, "have al
ways great advantage over us poor fell
lows, for they guess last"
"YoU can't tell joke funny enough
to make good soda fountain man laugh
this year.-Bostoo Transcript.
A LITTLE boy, proud of his new jacket,
informed his sister that he was six-but-
ton kid.-H0rtford Times.
HAIL, gentle spring Diphtherial
mildness, hail !" is the way they put it
this season.-Detroit Free Press.
IT was Sidney Smith who retorted
upon some one who had called him an
everyday man: 'fWell, if I am an every
day man, you are a weak one
AN orator saying that he had very
mixed audience, was asked how it hap
pened: ooh" said he, '' stirred it up
SO with my eloquence."
A PHILADELPHIA man has figured up
that he will save $500 on ice cream, car
riage hire and theatre tickets this year.
He has married the girl. PhiLadelpIaiG
NeoOS.
TooTsY, on making the horrible dis
covery that her kitten had whiskers;
4" Ma, don't want dis tat Dis is a
man tat ! want dirl tat I want a
dirl tat p
THERE is no particular harm in raising
May-poles IN the north at this season of
the year, but those who do SO should be
cautioned to wrap them in cotton batting
to prevent freezing Free
Press.
81 GUESS dad wishes he'd die and go
to heaven" said miser's son to his
maternal parent. "Why so % she
asked, upon recovering from the aston
isnment. "Oh, cause heavens such
cheap place to live ill.,"
A SHIRT has two arms, the same as
pantaloons have two legs. Yet one is
called pair and the other is only one.
Isn't it time that we let up on astronomy
and paid more attention to the every
day trihes that vex the clearest minds?
6 WE'LL, my dear, are you getting on
nicely with your music % "Oh, yes,
mamma; last month when / played four
hand pieces with my music teacher I
was always couple of bars behind.
Now am always at least three ahead"
MOVING the jaws RAPIDLY is said to be
a sure cure for nose-Dleed. They must,
however, be moved so rapidly that the
woman in the next yard can tell whether
you are saying observation-disclosures, or
now Observation-Disclosures Free
Press.
AT Augusta, Ga, they filed a water
melon with good whisky, freeze the
melon in ice, and when they want way
farer to realize that life is worth the
living they lead him up to slice about
as big as a nail-keg. -DetrOit Free
Press.
AN attorney about to finish bill of
costs was requested by his client, a
baker, to make it as light as he
could "Ahl' replied the attorney,
" that's what you may say to your fore
man, but it's not the way I make my
bread"
IF you see man with new rake on
one shoulder, and new hoe on the
other, and spade under his arm, you
may know he lives In the suburbs and is
going into the work of raising his own
onions at cost of fifty cents apiece
Chicago NeaOs.
The latest joke about King Kalakaua,
of the Sandwich Islands, is that he can
not help being good man. The reason
assigned is that his ancestors ate SO much
missionary in their time that it worked
into their system, and was transmitted to
their descendants.
A sUTLER has applied for pension, on
account of injuries received during the
late war. Probably strained himself in
charge. Many of them were danger
ously exposed in that way when lean
cheese cost $1.75 pound, live weight.
Burlington Haa0kcye.
The following thrifty suggestion, we
need not say, comes from Connecticut:
To utilize oldpostal cards-'' cut length
wise into strips about an eighth of an
lighters which bum readily, do notth1ow
off sparks, and leave scarcely trace of
ashes.
'sWHAT lunatic asylum is that?" asked
stranger in Philadelphia, pointing to
building from which the most horrible
sounds were issuing. 'Why my dear
sir, was the reply, ''that is not lunattic
asylum. That is female seminary; this
is the music practice hour. ''-Ph6lGdel-
phi0 NeaOs.
DOMESTIC INCIDENT: Cooke madame.
may I ask you for my testimonials ?"
Mistress What do you expect me to
write, you worthless creature? Surely,
I cannot say that I am satisfied with
you" Cook" It isn't necessary. Only
write that I remained with you three
months. That will be my best recon-
mendation. "-F2iege1ade Blatter.
"DID you see anything of a strange
hen over in your yard, this morning,
Mr.. Brown % "Well, yes, I did, Mr..
Jones. There was a hen here that acted
so strange among my young tomato and
0ua orr Vllont5 fhof Sh0r1nhf 4hQro