Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1882-11-20
NEWSPAPER wAIrs.
Truth is stranger than fiah stories.-

Truth is stranger than fish stories.-
PUCK.
No matter how loose an engagement ring
may be, the diamond never slips around on
the inside Of a lady's finger. Puck.
The President Of temperance society
cannot pay his fare IN a stage when it ia in
motion without exciting suspicion in the
breasts of the most credulous. Puck.
Beggar Woman to Neighbor GLOW
much do you ask for your little girl to 90
with me one day." "a mark" "What,
mark? Why, for a mark 1 can get a
blind woman !"-[Fliegende Blatter.
An Indiana State prison convict says
that his downward course began by trying
to beat 2:40 with three.minute horse. It
looks as though some of our most respected
citizens were headed for State prison
| Boston Post.
A rural dame entered rollinp.rill the
other day and asked if they kept rolling.
pins. She was accompanied by her hus.
band, who wanted TO purchase field
roller. This is reliable, if true.-[Norris.
town Herald.
a hotel-keeper announces that he has
added "a celebrated gas stewing machine ="
to his establishment. We shouldn't think
it would improve the gas to stew it !; but
there may be some persons who like it
that way.-[Norristown Herald.
At recent wedding in Jacksonville,
Ind, the best man was in such haste to
transfer the minister's fee that the ''Amen F"
of the benediction had scarcely been pro.
nounced when, with great parade, he
handed over the customary gold double.
eagle. The minister quietly remarked !:
The terms Of this contract are evidently
c. o. D."
The newer arithmetic A human body
weighing l60 pounds falls fifty.tive feet per
second. How long will it take baby
weighing thirteen pounds to fall down a
pair of stairs fourteen feet high? James
and Henry go fishing and agree to divide.
James has two nibbles and bite from a
dog, and Henry gets two duckings and
loses twelve-shilling hat. What is the
share of ach?-[Detroit Free Press.
"Do you mix anything with your
candies % he asked, as he laid his money
down and picked up the package of gum
drops. Well-ahem-a little glucose,
perhaps" Anything else?" perhaps
little clay" Any chalk?'' "Only a
very little. Not enough to speak of. :"
cts of no interest to me, you know"
continued the stranger "but l was won.
dering why you didn't have your candies
made az regular brickyard, of the regular
material, and have something you could
warrant to purchasers. u Exchange.
Young Glucky, of the Union Club, mad
been up in Marin county shooting for a
week, when he received dispatch call.
ing him home. ''My dear boy" said
his partner, taking him aside, shave you
the courage to bear up under terrible
blow?" "W-w-h.at is it ?" gasped Glucky.
Your wife has eloped." Great Scott p
said the deserted husband with whom %
"With your tailor "You don't say so, "
replied the bereaved man, with beaming
smile: "Why, owed him six hundred
dollars. What'n you take?" Heaven
does indeed temper the wind to the shorn
lamb.-[San Francisco Post.
Chemical Analysis of Musical Com.
pounds Pima Donna-Good looks icon.
centrated essence), 65 Spirit of SELF. con.
ceit, Is; Extract of Worths dresses, l5 ;
Voice lin crude state) 05; Spirit of music,
faint traces. Musical Amateur-Essence
of criticism, so; Garrulity (gaseous), 80 I;
Spirit OF Beethoven, 05; Spirit of
Ofenbach, Is; Traces of self-con-
csit, :. Popular Moroccan de Con-
cert-Extract arpeggii, so; Tonic, 05 !;
Dominant (undissolved), 05; Sub-domi.
nant, 05; French mixture ION title), 05 !;
Spirit of Thalber, slight traces Milk and
water, slight traces. operate Manager
Self.importance (explosive), 60; Personal
beauty lin oxhide), 80; Essence of Nam.
mon, 10; A dangerous article and likely
to go off at any minute.-[ Musical Herald.