News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-12-07
WIT AND WISDOM.

| OIaal lalDl8 uldutleS are NOIn ~ plOS-
ent in Paris.
A GREAT many politicians are called
"dark horses" maybe, because their
records areso shady.
Mrs. LANaTRY never saw a fire in her
life until the Park Theatre burned.
If she stays in this country year she
will want to "run wild de machine"
AN old bachelor says: cit is all nom
sense to pretend that love is blind I
never yet knew a man in love that did
not see ten times as much in his sweet
heart as could" ah
a SCIENTIST asserts that all babies are
deaf for sometime after their birth. This
is mighty lucky for the babies, as they
don't hear the miserable gush that is
uttered about them, so says an old
bachelor.
IT. SAID the Secretary of the Treas
ury will soon make a call for the extended
fives. We hope the Secretary will not
be unlucl1y enough to call for the ex
tended fves of Mr.. J. Sullivan, OF
Boston.
A LADY says it takes many men whole
lifetime to learn to take so bill down
town without breaking it. She forgot to
add that it takes many a woman whole
lifetime to learn to take man down
town without breaking him.-DetroH
Free Press.
THE first day Artemus Ward entered
Toledo, travel-worn and seedy, he said to
an editor who was on the street "Mis-
ter, where could I get a good dinner for
two shillings?" He was told; and then
he inquired, 81 say, mister, where could
get the two shillings ?"
JOKES about the poverty of newspaper
men have been laid on the shelf They
are not funny any more, because people
have found out that they are not true.
Look at James Gordon Bennett and Jay
Gould and Robert Bonner and-and the
rest of us.-Phjladelphia Ne1Cs.
A CHINAMAN who wrote poem on
grain of rice did very well, but Chicago
printer accomplished feat which sounds
more remarkable. He took a copy of q
Chicago paper, and after cancelhng all
the accounts of divorces, murders and
other crimes, reprinted what was left of
it ON three-cent piece.
AT the anglers tournament in New
York recently, it was shown that Mr..
Pritchard can cast a fly further than any
young man in America. If Mr.. Prit-
chard will agree to cast all the flies into
the middle of the Atlantic, he can hear
something to his advantage by calling
around at the beginning Of dog-days
next summer.
LITTLE Eddie 7. was sick of gastric
fever, peevish and fretful, but he seemed
to want the idea to prevail that it wasn't
much trouble to attend him. His
mamma, while bathing his brow, sooth-
inely remarked: "Whnt is home with
ont a mother p The young. rascal I'M
mediately snapped out: "Well, what
would mother be without home?"
THE other day we remarked that a GER
tain paper was going to try to be respect
able. The paper got mad, for some rea-
son. at the observation and has snarled
at us like a cross cat in a barrel. We
are disposed to accommodate, and there
fore withdraw the remark and state that
the paper aforesaid is not going to try to
be espectable.-SOD1eyUi Journal.
AN OLD farmer came into the sanctum
this morning and stated that he had
tried all sorts Of reapers, but had never
found one to suit him. He had heard,
he said, of a reaper called Death, " and
he believed he would buy one if we
could inform him where and by whom
they were manufactured. When we told
him that particular kind was made no
mower, he breathed scythe, then left
-RocHe8ter Post
EMPLOYMENT OFFICE OF THE FUTURE.
Sc You say you will give me $40 week
to do your housework. Have you a wife?'
g Yes. Any children ?" enc" "Will
you let me have my gentlemen company
in the parlor?" Certainly" "And
make me lots of nice presents ?" "Oh,
yes" "And will you marry me when
your wife dies? ''I can't promise you
that" "Then, I won't come, you stuck
up old curmudgeon. .
.'WDDER JENKINS" said an Ohio
farmer, as he hustled into her house one
morning, 81 am a man of business.
Tn worth $4,000, and want you for
WIFE [ give you three minutes in which
to answer Il don't want ten seconds,
old man p she replied as she shook out
the dish-cloth; I'm a woman of busl-
ness. worth SIG, ,0OO and wouldn't marry
you if you were the last man on earth ! l
give YOU minute and half to git p He
got Val Street Ne,0S.
AN Iowa paper has supplied long
felt want by giving to the public an
obituary notice that bears upon its face
the stamp of honesty. 1t says: g He
gained his riches by loaning money and
handling notes and mortgages, had a
Statewide name for his litigation in
various counties and in the Supreme
courts, WIS SIttaIIiAS anu hSst1 tNf'o - -
transactions. became divorced from his
wife. and died without p friend"
IT IS related by the Wall Street. Meas
that at the last session of certain State
LEGISLATURE considerably east OF Ne
brasl1a certain railroad company sent a
ninetv-days' pass to each and every
member of the body; but one OF the
passes came back by first mail, accom-
-,pied by a letter which explained :
'sMany thanks for your courtesy, but as
I have made arrangements to board here
during the session and shall not have oc-
casion to use the pass, you may send me
cash in its stead. 1t is said that this
display of Legislative cheek was rewarded
with $40 bill.
A Swiss Idea.