Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-09-22
F. u N

ST understand, Uncle Amos, that you
have quit preaching" said the Secretary
Of State to an old colored man, who for
years has had charge Of a church in Little
Rack. Eyes, boss. Use stepped aside. u
.sWhy did you quit?" "Wall, dar was
numerous pressures brought to bar agin
de ole man. Dey charged me wild stealin'
ham, fur one thing, and 'vised me ter
quit Why, they couldn't prove that
you stole the ham, could they?" "No,
sab, deg couldn't, an eff I hadn't 'knowl-
edged it dey neber would hab pruved it. :"
ssWhy did you acknowledge it?" "Kase
dey found de ham under my bed. sah.''
The committee appointed to collect met
al for cannon for General Buregard g army
applied to planter of Adams county.
Miss, for his bell. Not having such an
article, he mentioned it to his wife, when
she very periodically offered her brass
kettle. The little ones rather demurred
to the sacrifice. and. one of them, with a
sweet tooth, said, Spa, pa, what will we
do for preserves?" 'sMy, daughter" said
the wag of father, ''our whole duty now
is to preserve our country The kettle
was sent.
.'Boy," said stranger to lad who was
backing his boots in front of hotel yes
terday, eff I should give you dollar,
would your first impulse be to go to a cir
cus?" ssNo, sir, twas the prompt reply.
my, first impulse would be that it was
counterfeit bill!''
A teacher was trying to make Johnny
understand the science of simple division.
s.Now, Johnny, y she said, eff you had an
orange which you wished to divide with
your little sister, how much would you
give herr" Johnny thought a moment.
and replied. "a SUCK"
A story is told of a man who got out of
bed in the night and threw up a window.
Next time he had bstter not eat windows
for supper.
One Of the regular exercises at normal
schools is writing words from dictation
and giving their meaning. One of the
words given out was Hazardous" which
young lady spelled "hazardess," and de-
fined "a female hazard.''
A hat Irritation is the latest idiocy
among girls. There is no way mnn can
wear a hat that doesn't mean something,
and the way you're safe is to go bare
headed.
sit rains, ma" said Estelle; 81 don't
think 1 will attend church to-day" sit
rains,'' said Estelle's ma, few nights
subsequently; "you had better not attend
the theatre tonight" sob ma" said
Estelle, 81 can wear my rubbers and water
proof
An editor living IN Florida wrote: sit
is years since we have experienced such a
thing as winter" After the paper went
. to press he committed suicide. and simply
because the compositor had set up the last
word "water," instead of "winter.
II don't miss my church SO much as you
suppose the Boston Globe reports lady
as remarking to her minister. who had
called upon her DUNG her illness, ''for l
make Betsey sit at the window as soon as
the bells begin to chime and tell me who
are going to church, and whether they
have got on ANYTHING new"
tits :disgraceful shame!'' exclaimed
Mrs. Smith, as her lord and master came
in in demoralized condition. you've
been drinking again, and it was only last
week you took the pledge" ''Just my
luck" said Smith, ''break everything !
get holt off,
Miss Corson, the cook and lecturer holds
that oatmeal and beefshin soap is all the
food man needs, but as for her. she wants
fried chicken, and four kinds Of cake
Detroit Free Press.
Chas. Lamb was once asked by cheese
monger il he should send home some fine
ripe Stilton cheese for him. mo th.thank
you,' said Charles. ''If you will give me
q bit of Irvine I cou-could, p'raps, l-l-lead it
home"
A Japanese young woman has graduated
from Vassar College. 1t is to be hoped
that she can now paint fans intelligibly,
SO that what the artist intends for COW
in the foreground of landscape will not
be taken lor grand piano on the roof of
ahouse.
Some wretched cynic once remarked
that there be fewer evils in the world if it
were not for the existence of women
EYES," was the sharp reply, ''you yourself
wouldn't be in it,
A wealthy citizen of New York. in cele-
bratlng the fftieth anniversary of his
wedding. toasted his wife as the
"healthy old lady who combines beauty
and durability
A curate once asked little girl in the
Sunday school "Who made your vile
bodY?'' Mother made the BODY quickly
retorted the child. I only made the
skirt ~
A little four year-old girl did not obey
when her mama FIRST called her. So her
mama spoke rather sharply. Then she came
in and said: "Mama. I've been very kind
toyou to-day, and don't want want you
to speak SO largely to me-"
There's nothing wicket about cricket
on the hearth, if we may be so bowled as
to mention the fact.
Bachelor smokers admit that an amber
mouth-piece isn't as tempting as cherry
red one temptingly puckered.
Why is an old coat like an iron pot2-
Because it is q specimen Of hardware