Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-02-13

The New York authorities are very
careful of their police force. They never
put two officers on the same beat, because
it is said to be unhealthy for two persons
to sleep together.
A lady who had quarreled with her
bald-headed lover, said, in dismissing
him, "What is delightful about you, my
friend, is, that 1 have not the trouble of
sending you back any locks of hair"
A clergyman one day sat watching his
little boy and girl at play, when the for
mer angrily marched away from his sister,
saying: eff she does that again 1 will
certainly heap Goals of fire on her head"
A western woman advertiSes that she
cures the pernicious habit some people
! have of biting their finger nails. ''I
know" remarks a little maiden of our
acquaintance, 'she puts mustard on
them"
"Does it pay to steal?" asks the Phila-
| delphia Times. 1t does, esteemed con-
temporary, it does. 1t doesn't pay the
thief, but just think of the large number
of criminal lawyers to whom it furnishes
a fat living.
The young man who stores his mind
| with old proverbs must become wise.
| For instance, he will learn that can empty
bag cannot stand upright" No one ever
thought or believed it could, or ever
wanted it to; but it is well enough to
know such things.
A member of fashionable congrega-
tion called at a music store and inquired,
'Have you the notes of piece called
THE Song of Solomon?'" adding, 'Our
pastor referred to it yesterday as an ex-
quisite gem, and my wife would like to
learn to play it."
Gentlemen of the jury" said blum
dering counsel in suit about a lot OF
hogs, ''there were just thirty-six in the
drove. Please remember the fact-thirty
six hogs; just three times as many as il
that jury-box, gentlemen. That counse
didn't gain his case.
A member Of the North Carolina legis
lature, dining at Raleigh hotel, saw ;
pod of red pepper on dish near at hand
He thought it was a new kind Of fruit anC
took bite. The tears streamed dow
his cheeks as he put the pod down, say
ing: 6 you! lay there and COOL"
''Always keep in mind, Henry" said
well-to-do Newark citizen to an old dar
key whom he had employed in some tenn
porary service, "always keep in mind tha
honesty is the best policy" "Well,
s'pose it is, since yer say so, boss,' re
sponded the relic, ''but 1 doan't recklec
as / ever played in dat combination.
Last Sunday night during service
west side clergyman noticed several c
his congregation doing and one man i
particular was snoring vigorously. Th
preacher paused in his discourse an
pointing to him said, "Will some on
please stop that mans snoring? l fear b
will keep the rest Of the congregatio
awake"
A widow called at the sculptor's studi
to see the clay model of the bust of he
husband. II can change it any particl
a lar that you may desire, madame, sal
= the artist. The widow regarded it wit
d fearful eyes. s'The nose is large" ''
large nose is an indication of goodness
responded the artist. The widow wipe
away her tears, and Sobbed-''We thel
make the nose larger
A countryman upon coming to see tt
sights was taken by town friend to tt
theatre. When the lights were dow
and the play had commenced he was Q
fered the use Of an opera-glass. EXami
ing it as closely as the darkness of Il
place would permit, he placed it to
mouth and turned it upward. Findir
that no liquor was coming out of it,
handed it back in dispair, saying: sIt
empty, John there's no a single dr.;
in't.''
Two Yankees strolling in the wood
without any arms in their possession, o
served bear climbing tree, with
paws clasped around the trunk. One
them ran forward and caught the beal
paws, one in each hand. He then call
out to his comrde, Jonathan, run hor
and bring me something to kill the Va
mint. Mind you don't stay, or I'm in
fix" Jonathan ran of, but stayed a lo
time. During the interval the bear ma
several attempts to bite the hands of h
who held it. At length Jonathan cal
back. 'sHallo, what kept you SO long
''Well, I'll tell you. When l got hol
breakfast was ready, so l stopped to {
it. ''Well," said his comrade, SEQ
you now and hold the critter while |
. it." Jonathan seized the bears pay
: and held the animal. ''Well, have y
? hold of him?" II guess l have eve
well, then; hold fast; | am off
dinner"
CATARRH.-''I think" writes a patti
who had used a two months Oxys
Treatment, ''that my catarrh is abb
: well, and has been for some week
Treaties on Compound Oxygen sent fr