Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1882-04-05
WEDNESDAY. APRIL 5, 1882.
SPICE AND ALLSPICE.

WE are nation OF grit. Even the
cotton we ship is full of "sand. "-NeaO
HaUen Register.
"To what base uses may we come at
last" said the ball-player, as he plowed
the home plate with his nose.
POSTWAR: ..Say, sis, where's Mrs.
Malley O'Dearmott ?" Sis: "I d'nor;
she died last week an didn't leave any
directions.
CAPT. BoRGARDUs is a tremendous fell
low at glass balls, but we doubt if he
could destroy as many fsh-balis as the
average New Highlander.
In China they punish the man who
adulterates food with death. In this
country those who buy the food are the
ones k1lled.-BOSt0n Post.
CAMELs are said to thrive in Arizona,
where they must create much astonish-
ment, on account of being able to go SO
long without drinking. Citizen.
A PHILADELPHIA coal-dealer recently
received from a prominent shoddyite,
who had been to Europe, an order for
five tons Of coal delivered a La CART
Philadelphia NeaUs.
QUALIFYING the NEGATIVES: Mrs. Smith
(emphatically) Mrs. Siren |!
They say that she has been ordered to a
warmer climate. Do you think she will
go?" Mrs. Brown (grimly)-" No, not
while she lives"
YES said the schoolboy, ct sup
pose | ought to feel proud and glad that
I'm appointed monitor to keep the
other boys in good behavior. But am
not You see it knocks me out of all
chance OF raising blazes."
THE grand scramble for appointments
under the municipal officers has Just be-
gun, and one of them has already hung
this sign in his office: "Lady appli-
cants for clerkships will please weep in
the ante-room, as the recorder suffers
greatly from damp feet"
MUsIC-TEACHER-"O yes, Miss Clio
t1tda likes playing tunes well enough,
but she shoulders at the very mention of
scales" Retired cheese-monger's wife
Qoftily)-"I should hope so, indeed
You'll bear In mind, sir, that we've moth
ing to dc with the business now"
A SHARP rejoinder is an arrow that
buries Itself In the target. A gentleman
who took to medicine late In life said to
his friend: " You know the old proverb,
that at forty man must be either a fool
OF q physician eyes, was the re-
ply; but, doctor, don't you think he
can be both %
SOME one took Charlie up and asked
him if he was his papa's boy. He an
swered, eyes" "And your mammals
boy, too ?" eyes," replied Charlie.
"Well, how can you be papa's boy and
mammals both at the same time ?"
sob, replied Charlie, quite indifferent
". 'can't wagon have two horses ?"
WHEN Kentucky congressman was
informed that he could have all the
garden-seeds he wanted from the agri-
cultural department, he exclaimed:
s. Seeds; what do want seeds for But
hold on ! Yes, yes, believe I do want
few" And he forthwith sent for half
bushel of cardamon seeds, the only seeds
he had any use for.
els the doctor in? asked an anxious
looking young man. "No, SIR" replied
the person addressed; " but you can
leave an order on the slate Is it very
urgent case ?" "Well, yes" the young
man said-s' rather urgent, I think.
Just as l started away from home my
youngest brother was falling out of a
second-story window
A PATIENT at the Taunton Insane
Asylum exhibited an automatic toy to
the legislative committee while on a
visit recently. It was his own inven-
ton, and it showed PROSTATE man re-
ceiving a severe kicking and humping
from others. "Don't you think it rath-
er severe on that poor fellow to be maui
ed and kicked in that way 2" asked leg
islator. sob, no, " was the reply; "you
can't hurt him-he's insane
"WELL, sir, I suppose you'll go back
to school rested by your holiday? ?" said
a New Haven father to his 'chubbiest"
boy. ''Yes, sir" replied the boy, with
a frightened expression, 60 and I'm GO
ing to ring the bell" lis that so I
thought Sammy Goodboy rang the bell ?"
"Well, he used to, but I'm ringing it in
his place now, don't you see?' "And
what does Sammy do2" ''Sammy :?
Why, he's nothing but a scholar"
AN elderly Aberdeen woman, on being
asked how her husband who was much
older than herself, employed himself,
replied: "Oh, sir, he does naething but
daunders Dot and daunders In, an fan
he's tired he iist eaes sclyte till's bed. +"
The same wife when asked by one of her
neighbors g foo her aud man was keep
in ?" replied: "A'body's deein' but
him; and [ wadna wonner gin ha was
sittin' hostin' there at the day of iudg-
men"
A MAN in sleepiDg-car on an eastern
railroad kept people awake two hours by
propounding about bedtime the query
What is the best thing to brush hat
with 2" And the whole crowd stayed
awake and guessed, and one man who
came to his station and had to get off
without hearing the answer felt awfully.
And finally, after they had all given it
up, the questioner said he thought the
best thing to brush hat with was hat
brush. And it was painful to witness
the disgust Of the crowd.
A GROUP of gentlemen were talking
over theatrical matters the other day,
and one OF them told story in which
Hartford citizen of some celebrity figured
as hero. 1t was In the DAYS of the old
WYATT Tneater at American Hall There