The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1882-07-01
MIR. AND MRS. SPOOPEN.
DYKE.
The expert" Question Under
Disc ussfOm.

| nc sApGEt huCh
! Disc ussfOn.
"My dear" said Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she wiped the corner of the baby's
mouth, and curled up a roll on the
top of its head, "why don't you go
and be an expert?''
Expert in what" demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke, dropping his paper.
What kind of an EXPERT"
Don't you know! An expert who
goes to court and yells right out what
he thinks of hypothetical questions
and heads, and knows by the alma
nae just when man is crazy and
when he isn't"
Anything particular the matter
with your head this trip roared
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "Been reading
some old cook book lately? What're
you talking about? What dress
pattern have you got held of now?'
II was reading about Mr. Guiteau,"
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke, land l
thought how much better it must be
to be an expert than to know any
thing about the case! That's why
| asked. If a man knows anything
they always prove that he don't, but
if he is an expert, he just swears that
a man who bothers him is crazy and
that ends it,"
II s'pose you think I've had so
much experience in idiocy at home
that l could make a fortune as an
expert" sputtered Mr.. Spoopendyke.
81 tell you they are intelligent men.
They make up their minds and
swear to their opinions, according TO
law. When the revised statutes at
large provide for me as an expert, as
they provide for idiots, lunatics,
habitual drunkards and married wo-
men, I'll go into the business and
Mr.. Spoopendyke winked at himself
triumphantly as he thought over the
last shot.
"Well," rejoined Mrs. Spoopendyke
bristling Indignantly, ''if the revised
statutes provide that way, they ought
to be shut up. They've no business
at large. l don't know that these
experts were legalized. ! supposed
they just went there to help their
friends along"
mo, they don't eitherr' retorted
Mr.. Spoopendykc. "They go to
swear whether the man is insane or
not"
"But what do they want to drown
him forY argued Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"There they were all talking at once
and getting along pleasantly, when
all of sudden Mr.. Porkhill and Col.
Corker and Mr.. Savage threw Mr..
Guiteau into the dockr'
"Drown your grandmothcr's hind
leg y howled Mr. Spoopendyke.
"What dye think law dock is? Got
a notion it's pond with green scum
on top oft? S'pose it's two inch
mud puddle with a fence around it,
and Congressional appropriation to
make it navigablc? It's a pen tell
we; rallied off pen in the court room,
where they put prisoners! Guiteau
bothered the experts so that they had
to put him in the the pen. Think
We understand it now?"
"Of course" assented Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, "but why didn't they put
Mr.. Scovilie and Mr.. Reed there,
too? They are trying to bother the
experts Just as much as Guiteau
did. They won't let the poor men
alone"
Don't you know the difference be-
tween lawyer and a crimnalw rip
ped Mr.. Spoopendyke, cor is that too
fine distinction for you? Reed and
Scoville are defending Guiteau, Por-
ter and Corkhill and Davidge are
prosecuting him. OF course his
lawyer will cross examine the witness
against him. But it's no use to ex-
plain anything to you"
81 understand that much."' return
ed Mrs. Spoopendyke, "but / don't
understand what Judge Cox means
by pitching into the lawyers and
overriding their questions. The first
he knows the experts will swear that
he is an asymmetrical, and then he'll
be put in the dock with Gniteau,
where it will 60 hard with him. /
tell you judge can't be too careful
how he behaves" and Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke pinned the babes skirts and
smoothed out its dress.
"Wowv' yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke,
unable for an instant to throw his
feelings into any coherent form of
speech. you've struck it! You're a
whole barrel of canned judiciary!
All you want now is red label on
your back and some marginal notes
to be dod' gasted law library! If
you'd change assistants once month
and win four cases during one term
of Office, you'd only need three deo-
dands and plug hat to be district
attorney! You've got the idea!
There's nothing more to be said on
either side! Give you black petit
coat with sleeves to it and wart on
your nose, and you'd only want
restaurant in the basement and a
lounge up stairs to he a United States
Supreme Court! What dye suppose
n ;,,Jrro 80 For n opLcf;fufo9 T,b;,l>