The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1882-03-09
Going to Bed Mad,

from the Brooklyn Eagle.
Say, my dear" roared Mr. Spoopendyke, as
he dashed into the room and fell in to chair,
! did you know that that section of stove
| pipe. with handy legs and Presbyterian -stee-
pie nose, had published book about YOU
| and me? ?"
mol" exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke "You
don't tell me! Is it anything like Napoleon
Bonaparte crossing the Alps?" assf
mo, it amt anything like Napoleon Bona
parte crossing the Alps" snorted Mr.. Spoop.
endyse "And it amt anything like julius
Hannibal crossing the Hellespont Nor it amt
anything about Queen Victoria It's about
you and me, tell you'll It's all about our
private affairs, and the idiot always represents
me as going to bed mad !" 81 feg .ai
Il don't think there's anything in our pri-
vate life to be ashamed of" said Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, land as to your going to bed mad you
generally do, don't you dear ?"
What if doY howled Mr.. Spoopendyke
S'pose l want to go to bed on every news
stand in the country done up in cheap bind
ing and bad type? Think I want posters out
on the fences, 'Spoopendyke going to bed mad,
in paper. % cents; Spoopendyke going to bed
mad, with additions and preface by the Author,
price 30 cents; Spoopendyke going to bed
mad, bound in cloth with beveled edges :
children cry for it, and doctors recommend it,
price one dollar?' Got an idea that want to
go to bed mad in twenty four editions, with
row with news company printers bills un-
paid, and paper manufacturer bowling for
his money. Wah-h-h?" yelled Mr. Spoopen-
dyke. It's book, tell you'll Cut on the
edges, pasted on the back, covered on the out
side, and reading matter all over Know what
book is? The only difference between q
book and your mouth is that book shuts up
once in a while Who gave him the facts?"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke leaned back in his chair
and frothed at the mouth.
''What does the man say in his book ?" ask
ed Mrs. Spoopendyke. f...f
He don't say anything! He don't get q
chance! You do all the talking like you do
at home! 0, you're great woman-now!
It's Mrs. Spoopendyke this. and Mrs Spoop-
endyke around the corner, and Mrs. Spoopen-
You are the leading literary character of the
day Who told him you were an idiot that
only needed wash bill and brother-in-law
TO be Guiteau trial ?"
Il don't quite know what you mean" falter-
ed Mrs. Spoopendyke. II knew about the
Guiteau trial and l hoped Mr.. Porter would
win it. But don't know anything about be-
Jig literary, and as for Shakespeare, think
he is as abstruse as the Board of Education"
what want to know is, who gave him
the facts p roared Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Who
gave this ten-cent author with five-acre rep
utation the facts? How'd he ever find out
that you didn't know any more about keeping
house than frog does about keeping bank
account?"
I'm sure l don't know, dear" said Mrs.
Spoopendyke soothingly. Maybe he is only
newspaper man who publishes facts first and
then trusts to luck to find them out atterward.
What does he say about Inc? 90
Say about you!' squealed Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. He don't say enough He only leaves
The impression that diamond drill, steam
engine, fair weather and low wages might
make an impression on your skull Do YOU
appreciate the enormity OF the situation! Do
you reach out and grasp, comprehensiyely,
The unalterable fact that your market value is
twenty five cents in paper and 81 in cloth2 Can
YOU absorb The idea that. in illustrating your
red, white, and blue virtues he has drag
ged me into his book, so as to give character
to it? ..-..,s ri s.,
Does he mention you, too ?" exclaimed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, with an air of indignation.
MIR. Spoopendyke rose to his feet. Slowly
he diyested himself of his clothing and slam
med the various articles on the floor, keeping
his eye on his trembling wife.
Mrs. Spoopendyke," said he, as he pranced
into bed, "be kind enough to regard me as the
cheap edition. The honor of cloth, with bey-
eled edges, gold letters on cover and name
spelled wrong belongs to you. With that and
your literary attachments, combined with your
disposition to reflect dscredit on an insane
lackass, you only need your corners turned
down, your back torn off to be circulating
library" With which profound illustration
of his contempt for the situation, Mr. Spoop-
endyke drew his pillow over head and kicked
vigorously.
Il don't care" thought Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she ran gathering string through the neck
of the bady's new wrapper, "if the man says
that Mr.. Spoopendyke goes to bed mad every
night he tells the truth, and if he does that l
don't care what be says about me- What 1
wonder about is whether Guiteau will be hung
or not"
And Mrs. Spoopendyke crawled in on her
side OF the couch and then Topped out again to
see if the man under the bed bad not by some
possibility got into the match safe and pulled
the cover over himself
A Smile of Satisfaction.
This from the Cleveland (Ohio) Penny Press,
carries its own suggestion: Recently meet
ing Mr.. HI. G. Keefer, treasurer of the Cleue-
land Herald, our representative inquired of
that gentleman, after stating his mission, if he
nprSnnalIV lnew anyfhinr hout tho Groot