Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-11-20

1t does upset the landlord of a hotel to
have guest say, Landlord, / think it
would be an Improvement if this shoe
brush had another hair in it,
Said railroad engineer to an Irish
man, whose COW had been killed, ''But
she didn't get out of the way when 1 rang
the bell.' ''Faith, thin," said Pat, ''ye
didn't shtop when she rang her bell, nay
ther"
A book agent had the misfortune to
break his leg at eamp-meeting in But
Ter, Ga. the other day, and while SYM
pathizers were gathered around, as two
surgeons set the limb, he sold three cop
les of his book.
A queen bee lays in the height of the
season from 1000 to 5000 eggs in "a
hours The man who will discover how
to graft queen bee on hen will make
money enough to buy the whole conti-
nent in six months.
An old bachelor, leaving his boarding
house for a weeks journey, after taking
leave of his landlady, stepped up to a
salt mackerel on the table, shook him by
the tail and said, "Good-by, old fellow,
will see you when return"
Another st. Louis man started into a
newspaper office to wallop the editor a
few days ago; but when he noticed that
he was being followed by six undertake
ers, five sections and coroner, all anx-
ious for job, he thought better of it and
went home.
A chile alters deserves whippin' de
most when its father is outen humor.
Dars ole saying what says neber hit a
boy when you are mad. 1 wouldn't give
a cent ter hit him any udder time, case, 1
amt gwine ter fight nobody when Use in
good humor.
The New York Graphic prints pictures
of "the great diamonds of the world.
There are about thirty of these precious
stones, and the most surprising thing
| about them is the fact that not a single
| one is owned by an editor. Newspaper
men never did care much for jewelry any.
how.
care you the judge of reprobates?' p
said Mrs. Partington, as she walked into
an office of a Judge of probate. ''I am {
judge of probate" was the reply. "Well
that's as expect" quoth the old lady
"You see my father died detested anG
left several little infidels, and I want tc
be their executioner."
A wife wanted her husband to sympa
thize with her in feminine quarrel; bu
he refused, saying: 'I've lived Ions
enough to learn that one woman is jus
as good as another-if not BETTER?
tAnd I, y retorted his exasperated wife
"have lived long enough to learn tha
one man is just as bad as another, if no
worse
Parson Jones had just concluded a Ion:
discourse, and the benediction had bee
pronounced and the congregation wa
dispensing. Said Deacon Brown, grea
admirer of the parson, ga fine sermon
and well timed, too" eyes," replie
: Fogg, sit was certainly well timed
About half the congregation had thei
watches out most of the time he was tall
ing
"Widder Jenkins" said an Ohio farm
er as he hustled into her house one morl
ing, 81 am man of business, I'm wort
$40, 900 and want you for wife, I Civ
you three minutes in which to answer
81 don't want ten seconds, old man
she replied as she shook out the disl
cloth; sI'm woman Of business, wort
$4,000, and wouldn't marry you if yc
were the last man on earth! l give yC
q minute and a half to git!" He got.
81 would like to be excused, your ho
or" said Chicago man who had bee
, drawn on the jury. "What for?" 'sI ov
a man five dollars and want to hunt hi
$ up and pay it." ''Do you mean to S;
!, you would hunt up man to pay b
il instead of waiting for him to hunt
you?" ''Yes, your honor." "Do W
: belong in Chicago?" eyes, your honor
!. s.You are excused. / don't want al
man on the jury who will lie like that .