Connecticut western news., 1882-04-05
WIT AND WISDOM.

V1l AMY CANDY pulls are in fashion again, but they are now called ''glucose tensions"
 THE first brigade of Illinois militia is without general. This accounts for the sassy attitude of Europe. Courier-Jouy7,aJ.
 A TROY lawyer asked @ woman on the witness stand her age, andsh promptly replied: "I sold milk for you to drink when baby, and l haven't got my pay yet"
 A LECTURER is telling "How We Hear" It is easily told. Somebody tells friend of ours, and tells him not to tell; that's the way we hear. .-Mara- thon Independent.
 HE was sitting in the parlor with her, when rooster crowed in the yard, and, leaning over, he said, "Chanticleer. "I wish you would," she replied;, 'I'm sleepy as I can be-" He cleared. A RETIRED pugilist, who disapproves of the brutality of the modern prize fight, has taken up his residence in Lawrence because they have the Pacific Mills here.-Somerville Journal.
 FULL many an ache of soreness deep and keen, the waking of nights ca- rousal bear; full many man, who with "the boys" hath been, feels in the morn his wife's hands in his hair Breakfast Tdble.
 WE WOULD like to bet 8 few dollars that when the north pole is discovered by the explorers they will find that it is covered all over with patent medicine advertisements and plug tobacco abels.-Peck's Sun. ..n.t l AN old farmer was in town last week looking for an editors table on which to build hens nest. He explained that he had learned from the papers that the biggest eggs were always laid on the editors table, and he wished to ascertain whether the papers lied or not.-The Judge. --..-
 THEY tell of a man out West who was putting blast in we'll, and it went of prematurely and blew him out into an apple-tree about fifty feet away. In Q moment he recovered himself, and re- marking, "The Lord knows better than I do, after all; guess it's about time to go pruning" took large pruning knife from his pocket and set to work. -Rone Sentinel.
 ELECTRICITY is a wonderful thing. There is an electric hair brush war ranted to make the hair grow and cure headache, and an electric flesh brush that will cure several other ills that flesh is heir to; and now if some fellow will bring out an electric clothes brush that will make an old suit of clothes look and wear like new, he can sell thousands at dollar apiece, or three for two dol lars. -NorriStos0n Herald.
 1 SOME TEXAS SETTINGS.
 TIE Chilian comic papers burlesque our navy. Some people can joke about the merest trifie. ts.-
 THE sentence of Sergeant Mason may seem little hard at first, but it should be remembered that he Missed Guiteau.
 SKoBE1EFF reminds us very much of the cashier of bank. He never takes anything back. It is pity he, Skobe, is not flood. The flood has subsided, so we see by the papers.
 IT Is a mistake to suppose James Gordon Bennett subscribed $1, ,000 for the relief of the persecutad Jews because he is charitably inclined. He did so because he had the money.
 SPR1NaT1ME has arrived rather un- expectedly-Unknown exchange. If you want to perpetrate that joke about spring being rather summary, 6o so and be done with it.
 THE rumor that Jay Gould is going to buy up the Texas Legislature as soon as it meets, was started by a legislator who hopes to be able to get credit for new suit of clothes on the strength of it.
 OUR minister to Peru, MT. Prescott, complains that he cannot find the Peru vian government. If Prescott were an Ohio man, and he had to look to the Peruvian government for his salary, he would find it quick enough. ,.,- "A FEW years ago." says an ex- change, "Texas owned millions of acres of land-where are they now?" Right where they were. A tract of land is one of the few things that cannot be carried off after it is stolen. The land is in the same spot where it was, but like the university fund, it is not available. PERSONS in Texas who want to send f horned frogs through the mail to their 7 friends in the North, should defer doing , so until the mails make faster time than they do at present, as the frogs will be s sure to starve to death before reaching ' their destination. N. B.--A horned t frog will live three months without 3 eating. '@,