River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-11-09
Wit and Humer.

| And thus myself said unto me
| Look to myself and take care of myself,
For nobody cares for thee. y
So turned 10 myself and answered myself,
In the self same rev. erie;
Look to thysef or not to myself,
The self-same thing it will be-"
An Irish gentleman writes us to say
that "not half the lies told about the
! Irish are true"
"Well, wife, you can't say l ever con-
| tracted bad habits" "No, sir. You
generally expand them"
If a man begins life by being first
lieutenant in his family, he needn't
look for any further promotion.
A little boy in Georgia who wrote to
Santa Claus for q pony, was wise
enough to add: "Poscrit : If he is a
mule, Piles ty his behine legs"
| A Boston Newspaper somewhat sar-
castically remarks: "The police of New
York are being vaccinated. But what's
the use of it They never catch any
thing"
Indiana has . law to prevent weak
minded people marrying. A crusty
old bachelor remarks that the weak
minded are the only persons who ever
think of marrying.
"What are eggs this morning ?"
eggs, of course" says the dealer, hui
morously. 81 am glad of it, for the
last bought of you were chickens"
"But Miss Tompkins, do tell me now
how old you are" ooh! but 1 don't
tell my age any more. / am just as
old as l look-there." ''Indeed! /
thought you much younger"
When a sharp man wants to get a
job on st. Louis paper, he tells the
proprietors he can say more mean
things about Chicago than any man
living. They always give him q
chance.
An Irish soldier called out to his
companions: "Hellol Pat, I've taken
a prisoner" "Bring him along, then;
bring him along" "He won't come. "
"Then come yourself" Gle won't let
me-"
A young man while out searching
for his fathers pig, accosted an Irish
man as follows: "Have you seen a
stray pig about here?" Pat responded
"Faix, how could l tell a stray pig from
any other?"
A Dutchman found his way into one
of our local tonsorial rooms the other
day, and upon being asked how often
he shaved, replied: 'Dree times a
week, every day but Soonlay; den l
shaves every day"
In Paris they have cheated" cabs.
Nine. D after taking one, shouts
to the coachman. "See here, cabby
is there no warm brick in this car
riage?n Eyes, ma'am." 'sThen where
is it?" '"U nder my feet"
An old Scotch lady gave pointed
reply to minister who knew he had
offended her, and who expressed sur
prise that she should come so regularly
to hear him preach. Said she: my
puarrel's wi you,. mon; it's not wi the
gospel"
A scientific writer says: "a little
extract of ginger, mixed with hot water
and sugar, will counteract the bad
effects of wetting" That is all very
nice in theory, but in practice it will
be found that the bar keeper seldom
has any ginger.
This is the season of the year wher
the agricultural papers are hard al
work advising farmers not to leave
their $500 mowers and $500 reapers
out in the snow all winter. No farmer
could get along without an agricultural
paper.
'aDo you subscribe to all the articles
of the Athanasian creed?" was asked
an old lady. "No, / don't; / cam
afford it. There's a collection mex
week for the convention fund, and
can't do any more was her reply.
A Lonoke, Ark. social statisticar
announces that there are 81 marriage
! able young ladies and any number o
attractive widows in that place.
Philadelphia boasts of a man who
tried to poison seven persons. In Z
man who isn't doctor this seems ex
traordinary.
To keep apples from decaying pu
) them in cool pIace-where there Is |
large family OF children.
1t is thought that Frank James vii
be pardoned, provided he will give hi
. parole not to lecture.
Mr.. Gladstone is an able man. HI
delivers brilliant speeches, reads Greel