Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1882-12-13
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
If little labor, little are our gains
Mans fortunes are according TO his pains.
-[Herrick.
Therefore the man with toothache racked,
Is richer than he by thousands backed.
-[Richmond Baton.
Policemen are not fond of boiled
dinner-too many beets in it.-Ex.
The crow is a shy bird. but he gen.
orally has caws for alarm.-Free
Press.
Hunting in the wrong cemetery for
the headstone of a departed friend
would naturally be called grave
mistake.-Ex.
A New York girl has made $780,.
600 by an oil transaction. A can OF
il blew her rich aunt to kingdom come.
Boston Post.
The burglars romance: Capter l.
He tried to get the shekels. Chap
ter II.-He got the shackles.-Louis-
Vile Courier-Journal.
"That man is so naturally good he
would hold an umbrella over duck
in shower of rain," observed Jer-
rold once of brother dramatist.
A Cortland man who read at the
end of II friends marriage notice "No
Cards" sent him a euchre deck by
the first mail.-Marathon Indepen-
dent.
The man who never changes his
opiniyun amt a-going to kno much,
and the one who changes it too often,
IL a-going to know less.-Josh Bill
lings.
When a rich Chinaman wants a
wife he buys one. Rich men in China
appear to have just as many privi-
leges as rich widowers in America
Philadelphia Chronicle.
A correspondent asks: "Do can
airy birds like fish ?" Well, we can't
tell whether they do or not but they
manage to catch little perch every
day.-New York Commercial.
A French doctor makes a business
Of curing snoring and warrants a cure
for ten dollars. But he isn't making
much money, as few men will admit
that they snore.-Boston Post.
Now that the chilly winds of au-
tumn are blowing cold across the
moor, the thoughtful road agent has
begun to warm the Leadville stage
coach passengers by covering them
with revolvers.-New York CONNER
cial Advertiser.
The New York World has as ar
ticle headed "Chili in Peru" but we
don't believe it is Chill there. In the
first place it is in the warm equator
ial regions, and in the second place
there is enough disturbance down
there to make it intensely hot.
1t is said that the Siamese language
is so poor that it is difficult to trans
late the Scriptures into it; but no
body has yet suggested that the
trouble might be with the translators.
They ought to take the language Gust
as Siam" New York Commercial
Advertiser.
"You say your wife gets mad and
raises row ?" 81 should say she
did. She makes enough fuss to run
a freight train forty miles an hour"
"But if you knew that she was in the
habit of getting mad, why did you
marry her?" Because if l had held
back she would have got madder than
ever."-Texas Siftings.
A worldly father, after the style of
Lord Chesterfield, is giving good ad-
vice to the son who is about to enter
society. "And, above all, avoid fir
tations. But, if you must firt, or
fall in love, sir, be sure that it is
with pretty woman. 1t is always
safer" "Why?" Because some
other fellow will be sure to be attract
ed and cut you out before any harm
has been done. ."-Ex.
No cause for alarm: A new baby
recently arrived in a family of
Louisville journalist, and papa was
excessively proud over the event.
Turning to the old black nurse,
"Aunty," said he, stroking the little
pate, "this boy seems to have a Jour-
alistic head" "Oh," cried the un-
tutored old Aunty, soothingly, "never
you mind bout dat; he may not
grow up to be an idiot."-Ex.
Two countrymen from Onion Creek
came to an Austin lawyer to consult
about bringing a joint suit against
neighbor. The first granger began to
tell the lawyer the cause of the
trouble, embelishing it rather LIBERAL
ly. Don't tell him any lies, Bill"
interrupted the other. "It is his bus
mess to put in the lies. You will get
him confused if you 60 to mixing
your lies with his."-Ex.
There was hand painted sign in
front of an uptown grocery in Chi
cago, which originally read in dark
rheumatic letters "Calt for Sail"
A very nervous and sensitive man
living around the corner, noticed at
once that it was wrongly spelled, and