The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1882-01-27
CROOKED Ways.

women, too, for that matter-I was once
badly afflicted with cacoethes Scribendi.
OF course greater evils might have be-
fallen me L might have been seized
with a passion for whisky or gambling
but, still, my cGcoethes scribendi was
serious enough. During my college
days the symptoms showed themselves
plainly but the malady did not assume
its true and awful proportions until l
had taken by degree. Then, forsooth,
it fastened upon me like leech, and,
before many months elapsed, it over
mastered me completely. In accordance
with my mothers wish, 1 went to Dun
das, ostensibly toread law with my uncle,
but it was mere pretense of law-read-
ing, for the mornings that l ought to
have spent over Blackstone were devoted
to composition of a novel and the
afternoon to the polishing of some
poems. Uncle Dick shook his head
gravely and demonstrated, sometimes In
sadness and sometimes in anger.
"That scribbling will never amount to
anything" he would say, contemptu-
ously. This was hard to bear; but my
lofty aspirations sustained me, and, firm
in my belief of ultimate success, / scrib-
bled on and ever, and bombarded all the
magazines in the country with my man.
uscript The magazines did not open
their columns TO me, and L fell back at
last upon the weekly newspapers, and
especially upon the Boston Weekly Pal
lddiuna. That journal printed my es-
says, and a certain assistant editor,
whose initials were "F b. S." sent me
polite notes from time to time. 1t was
something to see my productions in
print it would have been more had
these productions once III while
brought in a check. But they never
did; they elected only polite notes from
+. b. s. Finally wrote letter to the
assistant editor upon the subject, and
by return post received reply. 1t
was sent to my private box at the post
Office. but, to my great amusement, was
directed to "Jane Bell' instead of
"John." My handwriting was not very
distinct, and perhaps a trihe feminine,
and the signature, upon which L rather
prided myself certainly left it an open
question whether John or Jane were
meant. The note, too, began:
"MTss BELL: In reply to your ques-
ton, would say that this journal pays
its regular corps of writer's. We are
glad to receive your articles, and per-
haps later may make adequate compen-
sation therefor; but, as young writer,
it would be wiser for you to think at
present only of securing foothold.
You have an excellent chance of success
In the end but much patience is neces-
sary ut the outset
"Please say whether 1 shall direc
future communications to John Bell.
Miss Bell or Mrs. Bell. At present do
not venture to give you any title.
every truly yours,
"F. b. ScREvEN.
This letter at once amused and
piqued me. 1t was pleasant and rather
encouraging, but 1t was plain the writer
set me down as an impecunious young
woman, whereas the truth was L had u
very fair income of my own, and was a
eix-foot, mustached specimen of mascu-
Unity. The idea of playing the role of
Miss Jane Bell tickled my fancy, and,
therefore, giving my Imagination free
rein, upon the spur of the moment sat
down and wrote as follows
"F. b. ScREvEN At present l also
am in quandary, for / do not know
whether L ought to address you as
madame, monsieur, or mademoiselle.
The last title is mine just now, al
though of course 1 feel at liberty to
change it when choose, or rather when
the proper opportunity offers itself
Perhaps matrimony would be q more
profitable speculation than literature
Do not, however, suppose L am depen-
dent npon my pen for my bread and
butter. In this case, fear, the butter
Il. {, -. n. eol
have given me most of the luxuries of
life but these, of course, do not satisfy
me. The reason why wrote as did
about payment for my. articles was
simply because 1 thought if they were
good enough to print they were good
enough to be paid for. 1t seems / was
mistaken; but, to show you that take
your advice, send you another essay.
will at least try to secure foothold,
and pray that greater success may fol-
low.
CT am, dear Madame, Monsieur, or
Mademoiselle Screven, sincerely yours,
"JANE BELL"
Laughing in my sleeve, I sent this
communication off, and planned that,
If the assistant editor sent me friendly
reply. would open correspondence in
my role of Miss Jane Bell and fool +. b.
Screven as never q man had been fooled
before. Judge, then, of my dismay,
when received letter, in what / knew
was Screven's writing, but not written
on Office paper, and signed Frances Der.
tram Screven. "a woman, by Jove ]"
I exclaimed, there and then in the post
Office, whereat small boy. who was
standing nigh, nearly swallowed in as
constituent the postage-stamp he was
licking. thrust the letter In my pocket
and did not read it until was safely at
home. Thus the missive ran:
"DEAR MISS BELL Your piquant let
ter prompts me to write you q reply,
,ot a., an assistant editor. but as n wom-