Connecticut western news., 1882-04-19
WIT AND WISDOM.
A COOKING cIub-The rolling pm.

WHEN you want to tickle pretty woman stick handsome ostrich plume under her nose.-Thc Judge.
 "WELL, I'll be bound," as the man remarked when he heard quoted the lines, Chains of gold are fetters still"
 "THE time has been when brains were out the man would die, and there's an end;" but now he is generally elected to Congress.
 THERE'S no disgrace in being poor. The thing is to keep quiet and not let your neighbor know anything about it. Boston Star.
 HIRAM GREENS counsel: Never try to sail upon the sea of public opinion without genius for your sails and char acter for your rudder.
 HAD Jay Gould exhibited that $53,- 900, 900 before he engaged in the news- paper business, it might have been the source of some surprise. City Derrick.
 A YOUNG MAN was leading horse in u halter, when the horse made a sudden jump to one side, and the severe jerk broke the youths neck:
 IT is said that William Pitt could electrify the House of Commons by simply pronouncing the word 'ssugar." The British Parliament is as easily af- fected by tatfy as any one else.-Steu- 6enUjISe Herald.
 A FEW days since @ barber offered 8 reward for instantly removing super fuous hair. Among the answers was one forwarded by gentleman in Kings ton. We give it: Undertake to kiss woman against her will"
 A YOUNG man of Port Jervis was en- gagged to marry young lady, but she retrograded on him. He then took e step farther, and proposed to her mother. They are now bossing that girl together. r. Com.
 REV. M1Nor J. SAVAGE has been lec- turing in Boston upon "What Brains Are For. Had the reverend gentleman lived in Texas he would very quickly have learned that they were intended principally to be blown out.
 THIS is almost the time of year when landlords show that they are better than their tenants. The tenants find it more difficult to raise the rent, but the landlord simply says, "Your rent will be raised on the list of May" and the thing is done. A HOUSEHOLDER was negotiating yes. terday, with every chance of success, with a prospective tenant. But young ster in the family interrupted negotia- tions by shouting: ''Yes, and ma says we've got lots of coekresches up stairs." The apartments are still to let.
 "What harm has the lad done you ?" asked an old gentleman, roughly collar ing boy who was warming the jacket of another .urchin with bit of wild grapevine. "He ain't done me no harm" What are you thrashing him for, then ?" "Cause his father and mother never licks him, and I'm doin' it for charity. ."-Brooklyn Broth.
 "SoME other folks would deceive you about these goods, but I have been in the business twenty years, and never told lie" said the guileless dry goods clerk. 'And why do you begin now ?" said the gentle fair one in front of the counter as she gathered her draperies together and glidedaway--Boston Cons- naerci0l.
 A YOUNG gentleman returning home from nights conviviality about getting up time, was sufficiently thoughtful to pull off his boots before opening the front door. Just as he was about to enter the house in the quietest manner possible he was startled by the raising of window overhead and the familiar voice of the governor sung out: "Never mind about the noise, George; we're all up."
 Mss MEDoRA VoN HOFFMAN of New York has just married the Marquis of Mores, heir of the Duke of Vallombrosa, She IS young and lovely, and wore white cut velvet. The next personal she gets will be about two years from now, when she comes back to New York with holes in her socks and hungry baby in her arms to live with old man Von Hoffman and advise the rest of the girls to fight shy of marquises."
 HE was young country fellow, lit- tie awkward and bashful, but of ster- ling worth of character. She was a Cincinnati belle, and had sense enough to appreciate his worth, despite his awkwardness and bashfulness, and was his fancee. On gloomy Sunday even- ing last winter, they were standing in front of the window in the parlor of her home, on East Walnut Hill, watch ing the snowhakes rapidly falling out side. He was not up in society small talk, and being hard up for something to say, remarked, as he watched the snow falling: "This will be hard on the old mans sheep." ''Never mind, dear," said she, slipping her arm around him, "1 will take care of one of them"
 A GENTLEMAN on the south side, says the Milwaukee Sun, has parrot that is almost human. It will drink beer, and knows when it has had enough, and will not touch any more, which is better than many "grown people" do. The parrot, when it first began to take beer, got full, and those who saw 1t say the parrot was just like man. First it was funny, and laughed at everything, and wanted to have high old time. Then it began to quiet down and would sit