San Marcos free press. [volume] (San Marcos, Tex.) 1877-1892, 1882-10-05
THE SPIRAL SHIRT STUD.
A Piendish Continuance That Has Done Aueh 4.
Demoralize the World.
Peek's Sun,


We see, sometimes, in looking in
the jewelers. show cases. that there 1.
new shirt stud invented, which goes
through the gimlet hole in a shirt
bosom in sections, and snaps together
leaving the under side smooth, SO that
there is no raw selvage to stick into
mans vital parts, the way there is in
the old spiral stud, and we look forward
to tho happy future when We can buy
set of the new studs. and give the old
spiral studs to the poor, who have no
feelings to be lacerated. We have
thought for years that the government
ought to call in the old spiral shirt
studs, and issue new kind, with cou.
pons that will go together with a snap,
but nobody has seemed to think the
government ought to take the respon.
sibility. The man who has invented
the new stud should be placed on the
pension role with the man who invented
the telegraph and the India rubber
baby clothes. There is nothing that
has been invented lately that will pre-.
vent as much profanity, unless it is the
waterproof baby clothes, as the new
shirt stud that snaps together. For a
hundred years the spiral shirt stud that
screws in has held the stomach of man
in its grasp, and has made sore spots on
him. when all should be sunshine, and
so forth. It is said that women share
our joys and our sorrows. That may
be SO to certain extent, and they may
suffer some, but they don't know any.
thing about the horrors of the spiral
shirt stud. We suppose no man ever
put spiral shirt studs in his shirt with.
out swearing that was the last time he
would ever use them. To say nothing
of the fact that the hole is always filed
with starch, and has to be probed with
the hind leg of hair pin before the
stud can be put in, the process Of put
ting in the stud is full of annoyance.
In the first place you screw the stud
around eleven times, and think it is al.
most in, before it goes in at all, and
then the point fips out and you haveto
surround the hole in the shirt again,
and by the time you have knocked of
thumb nail, and got the studs all in,
the shirt bosom looks as though two
cats had been fighting three or four
minute rounds on it, and one Of them
had been knocked out OF time and into
eternity. And after the man has got
them in, and corralled himself in the
shit, the trouble just commences. A
one time understands made with
chilled iron front prevented the spiral
from chewing the flesh, but OF late
years the iron proved undershirt has
been discarded, and men have suffered
the tortures of the inquisition. The
spiral stud does not begin to get in it's
work until an hour has elapsed after
the shirt is put on. At that time the
bosom of the shirt begins to lose Its
contour, and falls upon the manly
breast with dull thud, and then the
trouble begins. The upper stud begins
to plow it's way through the chest, into
the lungs, and it is soon seconded by
the other two, which go on exploring
expeditions in search OF the other vltals'
The man seldom complains, but yon
can see by his face that he suffers
Many men are taken for dyspeptlcs by
their friends from the panied look al
ways present on their faces, when II Is
not gnawing at the stomach from dis'
ease on the inside, but a chewing on
the outside of the stomach 10y spiral
stud. Many men go down to their
graves, and never complain, who had
their lives made miserable by the spiral
shirt stud. No man can be cheerful,
full of fun and frivolity, and keepa
company in roar of laughter, when ne
is constantly reminded that three gold
en- corkscrews are gently but firmly en-
tering his body from three different
places, that three different shows are
getting in their work under one can
vas, at one price of admission. 1t Is
asking too much to expect man to De
entertaining when three artesian Wehs
are being sunk into his person at once