The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1882-02-23
Expert Spoopen -yke.

of its head, "why don't you go and be an
expert?"
Expert in what?" demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke, dropping his paper.
"What kind of an EXPERT"
"Dont you know? An expert who
goes to court and yells right out what he
thinks of Hypothetical questions and
knows by the almanac just when a man
is crazy and when he isn't"
Anything particular the matter with
your head this trip" roared Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. been reading some old cook
book lately? What're you talking
about? What dress pattern have you
got hold of now?"
81 was reading about Mr.. Guiteau,"
replied Mrs, Spoopeudyke, 'and I
| thought how much better it must be to
be an expert than to know anything
about the case. That's why asked. If
a man knows anything they always prove
that he don't, but if he is an expert he
just swears that the man who bothers
him is crazy, and that ends it."
81 s'pose you think I've had so much
experience in idiocy at home that could
make a fortune as an expert" sputtered
Mr.. Spoopendyke. 81 tell you they are
all intelligent men. They make up their
minds and swear to their opinions, &C.
cording to law. When the Revised
Statutes at large provide for me as an ex-
pert, as they provide for lunatics, drunk
ards and married women I'll go into the
business" and Mr.. Spoopendye winked
at himself triumphantly, as he tt ought
over the last shot.
"Well," rejoined Mrs. Spoopendye,
bridling Indignantly, "if the Revised
Statutes provide in that way, they
ought to be shut up. They've no bust
ness at large. 1 didn't know that these
experts were legalized. I supposed they
just went there to help their friends
along"
"No, they don't either p retorted Mr..
Spoopendyke. "They go to swear
whether the man is insane or not"
But what do they want to drown him
for? ?" argued Mrs. Spoopendyka. ''They
were ali talking at once and getting
along pleasantly, when all of sudden
Mr.. Porkhill and Colonel Corker and
Mr.. Savage throw Mr.. Guiteau into the
dock !"
"Drcwn your grandmother's hind
leg I" howled Mr.. Spoopendyke. "What
dye think law dock is? Got O notion
it's measly pond with green scum on
top of it? S'pose it's two inch mud
puddle with a fence around it, and
congressional appropriation to make it
navigable? It's per, L tell ye; rallied
off pen in the court room, where they put
prisoners Guiteau bothered the ex-
perts so that they had to put him in the
pen. Think you understand it now?"
"Of course" assented Mrs. Spoopen-
l.x1, hat univ liIn'f fhov Mr.
Scoville and Mr.. Reed there, too? They
are irving to bother the experts just as
Guiteau did. They won't let the poor
men alone"
Don't you know the difference be-
tween a lawyer and criminal ?" ripped
Mr.. Spoopendyke, ''or is that too fine
distinction for you? Reed and Scoville
are defending Guiteau. Porter and Cork
hill and Davidge are prosecuting him.
OF course his lawyer will cross-examlne
the witnesses against him. But it's no
use to explain anything to YOU"
81 understand that much" returned
Mrs. Spoopendyke, "but l don't under
stand what Judge Cox means by pitch
ing into the la Ryers and overriding their
questions. The first he know the experts
will swear that he is an symmetrical,
and then he will be put in the dock with
Guiteau, where it will go hard with him.
l tell you, a Judge can't be too careful
how he behaves" and Mrs. Spoopendyke
pinned the baby's skirts around its legs
and smoothed out its dress.
wow yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke, I'M
able for an instant TO throw his feelings
into any coherent form of speech.
you've struck It'll You're whole
barrel Of canned Judiciary! All you
want now is red label on your back and
some marginal notes to be dodgasted
law library. If you'd change assistants
once q month and win four cases during
ono term of Office, you would only
need three deodands and plug hat
to be O district Attorney You've
got the idea! There's nothing more to
be said on either side! Give you black
petticoat with sleeves in il and wart on
your nose, and you'd want restaurant
in the basement and huge upstairs to
be O United States supreme COURT
What dye think Judge is for? A sub
stitute? Think he sits around to ease
the prisoner. turn and turn
about? Got some kind of an idea that
he is dod-gasted work on etiquette,
with notified leaves and yellow binding,
and Tommy for Fanny on the dy? tell
you he presides! And anybody but .
half witted woman, who didn't think
with her heels and reason with the rat
holes next door wouldn't need to be told
a 4 l.