The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-06-10

anu harmless inSuTuIucul, Uut az OAO
worst very unlike the modern article, as
unlike, indeed, as the figure on hearth
rug and real live Bengal tiger; as I'M
like as the widow mite and dynamite; as
unlike as the coat of arms on an old
china plate and double-barreled shot
gun.
The most popular form of the original
crank was that which operated the grind
stone The old crank was used in grind
ing axes. In its modern application,
however, the word crank generally sig
mites one who has an ak to grind, and
if he doesn't get what he wants is ready
to turn some one inside out. There are
cranks by nature and professional cranks.
The former is generally harmless, but
annoying. OF the professionals, how
ever, there are many who are cranky for
a purpose, and are no more to be trusted
than is the south end of mule or the
weather prophecies of the Signal Office.
The tribes of cranks begin with the
harmless and end with the devilish. Be-
tween these two extremes are the funny,
the eccentric, the egotistic, the moral,
the religious and the business crank.
Hundreds of unclassified cranks are met
with in everyday life, tjust as soon as
a person becomes a confirmed crank he
can be properly classed under either one
or the other of the above heads.
In Washington, cranks of every class
and grade are to be met with, from the
harmless, sponging crank, who hangs
around the bar-room, drinking at others
expense and talks of his claims against
Lo ~, L. lsrL l.
who thinks the Government owes him
living on general principles, and wants
to ''remove" the Executive if he doesn't
hand it over to him.
To the capital of the Nation peculiar
class of cranks make periodical pilgrim
ages for the purpose Of reconstructing
the Government. The career of many
of these, however, is cut short by NINETY
days in jail or leave town instanter."
The latter alternative is generally ac-
cepted. If the crank has ever had a
temporary berth in a Government De-
partment given him that he might obtain
the necessary funds for railroad ticket
home, the taste of Office is too much for
him to withstand, and he is as sure to
turn up again as the traditional bad
penny.
Then there are unfortunates through
out the country whose minds, naturally
not of the strongest, became so deranged
! that they imagine the fate of the country
demands of them trip to the capital.
| Possibly these weak mortals, in loafing
about the country store, have obtained a
copy of the Congressional Record. They
read some Congressman speech on
finance and that exercise generally COM
pletes the job already undertaken by
nature, for it is unsafe for even those of
well-balanced minds to attempt to CLEAN
sense from the average Congressman s
speech on finance. The highly informed
crank comes to Washington, goes i'm
mediately to the Treasury Department
and seeks an interview with the Secre-
tary. Having obtained an audience, he
whispers confidentially that for small
consideration say Collectorship-he
will disclose great secret, whereby the
public debt may be iquidated within
thirty days, and that, too, without the
slightest Inconvenience to the Govern
ment.
Then, there is the fellow who comes
on to take possession of the Executive
mansion. proclaimino himself ssPros;-
dent of the United States and K;ng Of
Heaven. The mere fact of his cla;ns;n !,
Bob Ingersoll and a white-robed ancel
40 bic devoted ord Eoc.o s,,t;oots -
same breath. piyes him away, and he IL
speedily run in by a sacrelioious &c co, >,
Again there visits us chan Who
claims to be "Commander-in- Chief Of
the United States Armies > div comm; Il
stoned by George WASHINGTON. Thomas
Jefferson or Ethan Allen. He ia the be.
niobted individual who !, b;s yo,,u, 30
DAYS had come tn Wash;n aton f,,o,, a.
co;,ntrv with tbe fond hn,,e ~ .,oa .no
q Second T;autananov !, u ~ ieoe Cn.3
sonod Of soiJ;ors faoa4;',a av'o san. sam ,
! - III - 1 ;, i"oo'iousiy uuppeo
.no;ntment no bnna sho,t 't ts,a so hls az
HES until b;s cas5 wes on n. A omd IT, H.
tronsers tba worse for wa., sVno amu nls
DC yaorant and orderadt !" a. 1a @,reS leu
c;tv Peturn;nr 70 he 49,, ~ iI Sas ' ne
ba3 conc so,n.e.,f',,,n hao Ia. =. n ss ne
the the. steo,.s ond vua II o an ~ ieeuin
H I. ia 5,aa,,s e ~ Union peu.
and GOOD fat salarn aui1eSus' Germans
aon CON- :, h",, s'a' however, nave
vnt;I oIas ~ a. na S.a;. nis alnol'lous mind
~ un'i.' aus, 'no e'la;i oecaIne 700 great.
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