Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-05-08

Ere fancy you consult, consult your
purse.
The strength of the farmer is oftentimes
concentrated in his butter.
A st. Louis man calls his wife Stamp
because he has to lick her so often.
Bloomington has man with breath
so strong that it would draw full house.
Nothing will make hens lay so well as
seeds scratched from neighbor's garden.
They have brand of whiskev in Ken
tucky known as the ''Horn of Plenty"
because it will corn you copiously.
George Washington never told lie and
he got to 0e president of the republic.
Times have changed. George couldn't
be elected to the legislature if he lived in
these times.
Josh Billings says that the grandpa IL
an Individual, aged sumwhare between
so and 100 years, of promiskious tempe
rament, and is common occurrance in
all well-regulated familys.
''What is a junction, nurse?" asked a
seven year old fairy the other day at
railway platform. ga junction, my DEAR"
answered the nurse, with the air of very
superior person indeed, ''why, it's place
| where two roads separate.
''There's nothing like settling down."
said the retired merchant, confidently to
his neighbor. "When I gave up business
I settled down and found l had quite a
comfortable fortune. If had settled up,
I should not have had a cent
Did you ever notice poor chap that
stands in the first picture of the almanac
with the fish and sheep, scorpions and
bulls, and twins, etc, around him? Did
you ever notice that he was naked and
had nothing in his stomach? That poor
man used to edit paper.
It's funny, but soft-palmed woman
can pass hot pie plate to her nearest
neighbor at the table with smile as
sweet as distilled honey, while a man
with hand as horny as a crocodile's back
will drop it to the floor and howl around
like Sioux Indian at a scalp dance.
boy who had been watching through
a keyhole the antics of a couple of lovers.
ran down into the kitchen to announce
his discovery to his mother. sob, it's
such fun" he exclaimed. ':What's sucl
fun?" asked the old lady. sWhy to sec
sister Mollie and Mr.. Fipps play lunatit
asylum"
With clear sky, a bright sun, and {
flowing breeze, you will have friends
plenty; but let fortune frown, and tn,
armament overcast, and then your friends
will prove like the strings Of lutte, o
which you will tighten ten before you viii
find one that will bear the strength ant
keep the right pitch.
An Irishman one day came running int,
a farm-yard and hurriedly cried for
spade. The farmer, coming out, demand
ed what he wanted with it, when Pat re
piled that his friend had stuck in bog
and he wanted to dig him out. ssHoy
far is he in?' inquired the farmer. ''UI
to his ankles" said Pat. SIS that all?
said the farmer ssThen he can pull him
self out again. You'll get no spade here.
Pat, scratching his head, while his fac
bore evident signs of grief, blurted out
''Och, but be jabers, he's in head first!"
A Texas woman is gradually becomin
petrffied. Her feet and hands are alread
as hard as stone, and when her cheek
undergo the same metamorphorsis sh
will be fully competent to enter a new
paper office, draw a chair up alongside {
the editor and reel off the following lie,
end; Il have here an illustrated histol
of the Patagonians four full-page engra
ings in each number to be completed
seventy-nine parts at fifty cents "a pa
making three superb volumes worth the
weight in gold which no library shou
be without and if you will put your nan
here at the head of my list I'll furnish "
the first three numbers gratis and "
give me IA little notice in your paper al
willyouputyournamedo
RESTORATION OF APPETTTE.-A ply;
clan writes in regard to one of his p
: tients 1.-THE effect of Compound OXyg