The times., 1882-11-03
WIT AND H6MoR.


The man who has been round with
the boys half the night is likely to feel
fiat the next morning.
If tramps only knew enough to 90 in
gangs they would be called gypsies and
be thought romantic.
A mortgage on house is like u
worm-hole in an apple. Before you
know IL there is more worm-hole than
fruit
1t is all very well to say: "Give boy
chance to work at what he takes to-"
But supposing he doesn't take to any
thingP
Il have fresh cold" said gentle
man to his acquaintance. s.Why do
you have q fresh one? Why don't you
have it cured?'
''Can you find room for scribe on
your paper?" mot unless you want to
SUBSCRIBE And again was that schol-
arly youth crushed.
Talk of human pride. Can anything
equal the haughtness of boarding
house keeper who has just had two ap-
plications for one vacancy?
Al ~ man COuiu OIll lOot DOJu Cuu-
buttons at the same time he would bo
all right. II is losing one that kills
him.
A Chinaman has written poem on a
grain of rice. Let American poets fol-
low his example. Grains of rice won't
fill up waste-basket very fast
Justice don't always miscarry. We
know of Il young man who has aver
aged pun n minute during his waking
hours this summer He's in Jail now.
Government Official Patrick. were
you minor when YOU landed in Amer
leap" Candidate for Naturalization
mo, your honor. was bricklayer."
Those people who want to know why
printers call the boy ''the devil can
readily bring themselves to understand
it by employing a boy for few days.
A very popular shade is called stu
dents blue. 1t is about the color of
Harvard mans eyelid after he has been
out late and had tussle with Boston
policeman.
The meanest kind of a man is the
man who will ut this season give to
tramp straw hat when he knows that
if the tramp wears it he'll get guyed to
death.
''You viii find the painting looks bet
And Fogg asked, quite innocently,
Would half mile be far enough off.
do you think?"
Arab Bey had lot of sympathy in
this country until he got licked. Ev-
erybody now SAYS that hew Il cantan-
kerous rebel who ought to have been
dubbed on the start.
Nitro-glycerinc topedoes are now used
for clearing farm lands of stumps. You
put the torpedo under stump, make
your will, say your prayers. and touch
it off.
Some young men have habits of play
ing poker at the clubs after having
made tho calls of fashion. BY this
method they shine not only in society,
but sin till late elsewhere.
Some philosopher has observed that
''to be good conversationalist one
must needs be good listener" This is
especially true if the conversation is to
be by telephone.
Said Mr.. Moriarity, in explain alton of
his battered appearance: "Ye see the
horse | was dhriving was a mule" And
Mr.. Finnegan replied: ''Ye need say no
more, Dennis"
EYES," said the gilded youth of his
friend, 'Jack has passion for propos-
ing to girls. Why, I've known OF his
proposing to six girls in week, not
one of whom he'd marry for farm"
Doesn't he run terrible risk of being
accepted by somebody he doesn't
want?" "Not bit. He isn't worth
ioIlarr'
The gentleman stepped ou the coal
dealers platform scales and asked to be
weighed. The dealer said: '.Why. GER
tainly," and called to the mar .nsi lie to
take the weight. And the man thcught
it was coal he was weighing anil shout
ed back the weight six hundred pounds
"To-morrow's Sunday, isn't it,. am
map "Yes, dear" .'Mayn't / play
with the cards and build castles With
themP" 'Certainly not, dearr' ''Eul.
mamma, mightn't play with the pre-
er-books, you know, if build churt
with themp''
Il uc tlJlc VI Jne leSSOu was, Il ne Tlcn
young man. and the golden text was,
Zone thing thou lackest." A teacher
in the primary class asked little tot to
repeat the two, and, looking earnestly
into the young lady's face, the child
said: Zone thing thou lackest--a rich
young man.
A woman forgot to send home some
work on Saturday. On Sunday morn
ing she told a little girl who lived with
her to put on her things and take the
bundle under her shawl to the lady's
house. Nobody will see it," she said.
.But is it not Sunday under my shawl,
auntyT' 'iasked the child.
La a recent lecture, Henry Ward
Beecher said: I'm this country smart
men have always n chance" That is
true enough; but after they have had it
hundreds of them shake their country
and go to Canada and stay until the di-
rectors fix up the affair with -the stock
holders.
''Yes, you may come again next Sum
day evening. Charley. dear, Init