The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1882-05-11
A WOULD-BE COMMISSION
ER'S lSOLILOQUY.

have cut them down to FIVE, but
Pm bound to be one of the great
quintette, as sure as I'm alive.
And now I'll tell you all about my
fitness for the posish, and just ex-
actly why l must be placed on the
cornish. First let me say need the
cash: l need the honor too, but to
tell you the truth if I do get on 1
won't know what to do.
When l thought I'd get three
thousand, it nearly drove me mad !;
but now FIVE thousand is the sum.
Whew! that's more than l ever had |!
I'll preach and prate from morn till
night, and try to start row I've
nothing to lose, / am bound to win,
but can tell exactly how.
I'll show them how the old thing
works: III count 'em out at the
polls; I'll run the game to suit my
self, and keep 'em off the rolls. Ny
moral sense is all awry, my record
is not good; but what is a Mormon
anyhow? Who cares if he live or
die? It's popular, now, to give 'em
hell, and that's what makes it right.
To the world we'd appear quite
virtuous, if we could only
get 'em to fight. If people would
look at the Mormon's faults, they'd
be blind to our crime as it flies /;
'twOuld be worth heap to us, and
save usa heap of lies. I'm stun
ner, you know, I'm as wild as bull
wine and women are sapping our
lives-the MOrmOns contend I'm as
wicked as they, who call extra
women their wives. l married my
wife, and I call her my wife, and
yet Of the girls I am fond; it's none
of her business don't let her
know how often I've broken the
bond. If l want a girl, and she
wants my cash, I'll pay for the
pleasure-that ends it; there's no
harm, it's a rule with US all; it's
seldom that trouble attends it. But
to say that the infamous crime of
the saints is at all of similar kind,
or that God and the churches
should not crush it out, a man
must be out of his mind.
Don't we know that to lie and to
steal is no wrong ? Being caught is
the Wickedest crime. A man who
can't dodge is a frauds a fool
hang him upl Shoot him down! in
his prime. When religion controls
a mans heart or his mind, when the
people to doctrines are true, put
them down, break them up, at any
expense, be he Mormon or circum-
cised Jew.
Religions are made as means Of
success, and morals are used as a
cloak; if man or woman pretends
to believe in a prophet-yOu bet it's
a joke. If these folks don't know
that religions a myth if they think
there is a heaven or hell, it's time
that they learned that deYOtiOn's
all fudge; l ann a hell of fellow
Pm religious as well.
l and my friends who are seeking
posish, pretend to religion, Of course.
Religion is a means to get on in the
world; its heap like a buggy and
horse. But when its drag, and we
find it don't pay, we just quickly let
it alone. We all know its fraud,
to be used when we wish. though
we swear that none's true but our
own.
There is one thing that's true, and
that you'll find Out-that myself and
thelrest Of my friends are the only
ones fl to be on the cOmmish; all
others have sinister ends. as for
me, I'll treat both sides exactly
alike. If they want any favOrs from
me they can have them as fast as
they ask-don't forget. I'll be fair
I'll charge all the same fee.
1t needs square man for job of
that kind; its seldom such good
things are found. If dishonest ras-
Gals should get into power, they'll
run the whole thing in the ground.
I'm specially fitted to hold the pO-
Ssh; I've quite an extended re
noWn. There are hundreds who
hope III succeed in this this thing
for l owe every store in the town.
The salary 's'nothing, the honor's the
thing, but the perq uisites please me
the most. If l can't make ten times
the IOriginal sum, therell be moth
ing about which to boast. Myself
and my friends have agreed to di-
vide; Of course, I'll take all they
may give; but none Of my schemes
will admit of a pal what l get Is
my own while live.
I've been asked what I'll do with
polygamous wives, what votes III
reject or accept, what method III
follow, what ideas have, and what
rights 1 am bound to respect. It's
nobody's business what l may
think don't give my racket away
you cali bet, though I'm going to
feather my nest, cause L don't
know how long l may stay.
But, hellfrel old Arthur's gone
back on US all; Iguess, then, there's
no show me. l don't want any
ofice-wOn't take it, in fact-of one
whose no better than be. There'll
be nice lot of stiffs put on that
commish; they'll steal, lie, seduct
and maraud. To hell, with the bill
the commissions farce, and the
whole blasted thing is a fraud
MOSES.
Salt Lake CITY. Nav 10th, 1882.