The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1882-03-31
Not to Brindle Cows.

"A man came into the Office recently
with black eye, a strip of court plaster
across his cheek, one arm in sling, aud
as he leaned on crutch, and wiped the
perpiration away from lump on his
forehead, with red cotton handkerchief,
he asked if the editor was in. We noticed
that there was quite healthy smell of
stock yards about the visitor, but think
ing that in his crippled &C iition we could
probably whip him, if worse came to
worse, we admitted that we were in.
"Well, | want to stop my paper" said
he, as he sat down on one edge of chair,
as though it might hurt. "Scratch my
name right off You are responsible for
my condition"
Thinking the man might have been
taking our advice to deaf men, to always
walk on railroad track if they could
find one, we were preparing to scratch
him off without any argument, believing
him to be a man who knew when he had
enough, when he spoke up as follows:
'The amount of it is this. live out
in Jefferson county, and l came iu on
the new Northwestern road Just to get
recreation. am farmer, and keep
COWS, ! recently read an article in your
paper about dairymen's convention,
where one of the notices over the door
was, 'Tisat a COW as you would lady,
and the article said it was contended by
our best dairymen that cow treated in
polite, gentlemauly manner, as though
she was a companion, would give twice
as much milk. The plan seemed feast
BILE to me | had been hard man with
stock, and thought maybe that was one
reason my cows always dried up when
butter was forty cents pound, and gave
plenty of milk when butter was only Is
cents pound. l decided to adopt your
plan, and treat a COW as | would lady.
l had brndle COW that had never been
much mashed on me, and l decided to
commence on her, and the next morning
after l read your devilish paper, l put on
my Sunday suit, and white plug hat that
| bought the year Greeley run for Pres
ident, and went to the barn to milk. |
noticed the old cow seemed to be bash
full and frightened, but, taking off my
hat and bowing politely said: Madame,
excuse the seeming improperly of the
request, but will you do me the favor to
hoist At the same time l tapped hel
gently OH the flank with my plug hat,
and putting the tin pail on the floor
under her, ! sat down on the milking
stool"
did she hoist ;" said we, rather anx
ious to know how the advice of Presiden
Smith, of Sheboygau, the great dairy
man had worked.
''Did she hoist? Well, look at me
aud see il you think she hoisted. Say
tell you now in confidence, and l don
want it repeated, but that COW raised
right up and kicked me with all foul
feet, switched me with her tail ant
hooked me with both horns, all at once
and when got up ont of the bedding il
the stall, and dug my hat out of th'
manger, and the milking stool out from
un1cr me, and began to maui that COW
forgot all about the proper treatmen
of horned cattle. Why, she fairly gal
loped over me, and never want to rea(
your old paper again.
| We tried to explain to him that tn
advice did not apply to brindle cows a
all, but he hobbled ont, the maddes
man that ever asked COW to hoist i
diplomatic language,