Arizona weekly citizen., 1882-12-10
Pir.Irop KeIIey,, PbIIanlhropy.

Pig-Iron Kelley's Philanthropy. Pig-Iron Kelley, who has heretofore 1 exercised his remarkable talent Tor phl- ! lanthrupy in the interest ot the down. | trodden and oppressed manufacturers, | has new turned Up m new role, that or | philanthropist in the interest oi the "pOor man" Judge" Kelley's bowels are large ld numerous, and when they are moved to compassion the area Of their yearning Is comparatively hmitless. His latest scheme Of practical beEevo- lence IS to remove the tax on hquor and tobacco, which now yields the Govern
 ment Sl20,OO0.OO0 in revenue, and add
 these indispensable commodities of
 daily cOnsumtion to the Free Breakfast
 Table, which he once egitated as a
 measure of philanthropy in the interest
 of the subsidized Pennsylvania manu-
 facturers.
 In his meditations on the condition Of
 the poor man. in this country, 1t has
 evidently touched bis philanthropic
 heart that the poor man cannot carry
 whisky home to his family n those gen
 erous and refreshing quantities,
 which would be possible were the
 tax removed and the whisky free. Now
 the poor man can only take home what
 he can hold in his internal economy.
 Were whisky untaxed, he might take 1t
 to his dOmicile in little brown jugs and
 demijohns, or larger vessels If he could carry them, or get some one to help
 him. Instead of selfshly taking home
 the retrospective comfort of hls own
 solitary drink, he could carry to his
 dwelling enough for his thirsty wife and
 hls thirsty olive branches. This Is the
 reflection that has worked up the bow els Of "indge" Kelley, and. ruminatlng
 upon it in his phiianthropic way, II has occurred to him that if whisky were only untaxed the "pOor msu" who has to pay 50 per cent extra to protect" the manufacturers for what he and his fam ily wear, and for the tools with which he works, and for the expenses of his household, and for ms rent, and could throw of all the cares imposed upon him by the expense of living and the ] burden of the tariff for the protection l of Kelley's clients, and even consent to | the imposition of a still higher protec- tion if he could only have his whisky 1 cheapened and saturate himself and | family with it.
 It adds to the philanthropic interest l of Judge" kelley's scheme that the | carriage of whisky home in jugs would | restore peace In the household by pre- | venting the head of the family from | monopolizIng the right to drink and | get drunk. Now there Is at the most | but one sot in the poorest family, 1 who Is the "Old man. and the rest l must be temperate on account of the | dearness of liquor. The wife and the glrls, not being able to get their | drink pro rata, must perforce remain | sober. Even the boys are denied thelr | share, and the family has to sit by an q | see the "old man" monopoliZe all the l spirituous comfort. If now the "Old | man" could buy his "rot-gut" at 2J | cents per gallon and bring it home in | the jug, the sociabIlity of the family l would be greatly enhanced. The "Old | man" could get drunk, the told woman" could get mellow, the girls and the boys | could get tight as boiled owls, and all | could go to bed fuddled and supremely | indifferent to the worlds vacations, cares, CT woes, completely unaware of their burdens, and as happy as pIpers. The opportunity to imbIbe and the rIght to get tight would be as free as the air, and the boys in time could get as red noses as their slres, and achieve the delirium tremens at a much earlier age, unless, perchance, they could get Carter Harrison's Kentucky whisky, which he assures the Chicago public never entails the delirium tremens, but simply makes men raying mad drunk, leads them to cut and shoot each other, pound their families, and plunge into every kind of crime and beastliEess.
 Judge kelley's disinterested com passion for the poor man is unlimited. After giving him cheap whisky he would give him cheap tobacco. Instead of paying 10 cents or three for quarter for bis cigar. he would let him have 1t for three or five cents. All the family then might enjoy the blessings Of nicotine on their nerves. The boys could learn to chew "dogleS" and smoke nicotine, the wife to snuff and the girls ''tO cigaret," and thus another article of prime necessity would be added to kel- ley's Free Breakfast-Table. This would bring the daily life Of the "poOr man" us near the millennium as t will be possible tO do until that period arrives, and in his house filed with tobacco smoke, stained with tobacco juice and whisky passing free as water, he might well fancy himself in 6 terrestrial para use. III Sucu du ecStatlc Siaics NlGl would he care Cor the % per cent. tar ifs on the necessaTIes of life? Why should he grulnbie when duties are iu- creased, and still higher bounties are paid to Pennsylvania manufacturers. and the cost of everything he wears and Eses IS put up to afford more profit t0 special iBterestsg Why should he com plain when Sll0,00l,Cs0 are thrown of .F ] whisky cheap and can he not carry 1t home m jug to his famishiug family? Tn the happy frame of mind induced by ! Judge" kelley's philanthropy what will he care that 70 per cent. is added to the clothes he wears. and the tools he uses, and the dishes from which he eats? , Happy poor man. PhIlaDthropic Kel- ley, the poor mans friend.-ChicagO I'ribrIrp