The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1882-09-01
Artemus Ward,
Some Jokes of His and Anecdotes of Actors


One Of the leading men in America
in theatrical matters when it was pro-
posed to bring out the Passion Play
at his theatre, turned to the stage mau
ager and asked;
But, see here how many charac
tiers will there be? want to know"
"Well, sir, there'll be our Lord, YOU
know, and 'Caiphas, the high priest,
and INCIDENTS and twelve disci
Piles
Twelve! twelve di,ciples' On my
stage? Iii have forty of emf
OF course when amanager is reckless
enough to think of amending the evan
gelists in this wholesale way to suit the
dimensions Of his stage GRANTED that
be knew, which was doubtful, the ac-
tual number Of the disciples) he would
not be likely TO respect any authors
manuscript or his ideas. And, indeed,
few managers ever think Of doing any
such thing. Their standing order in re-
gard to plays is Cut cut! cut.' and
Philadelphia manager, who enjoyed the
fame of reducing "Speed the Plow' to
a single act, used to carry this practice
so far that a member of his company
once said of him: &C. would cut the
Lords Prayer down to single sem
tencem The manager spoken of above
is rather notorious for his slips of the
tongue, He is very much afraid of the
water, and, coming TO New York from
Boston one stormy night on a Sound
steamer, he is reported TO have eXclaim-
ed, as he leaped ashore as soon as the
boat reached her pier. THANK Heaven!
am on vice versa once mOrcm
The late Artemus Ward (Charles f.
Browne) knew what he was about
when he courted the company of actors
and journalists so asSduously He took
from them much more than he gave,
good companion as he was, aud it was
the actors who taught him to give cx-
preston to his irresistible flow Of spirits
in q succession OF practical Jokes of q
harmless sort, yet comical beyond
measure by their very oddity and uneX-
pectedness Come in hcre come in
here! said he one day in Boston to the
companion walking with him. Come
in here we will have some fun" 1t
was a Boston pie bakery which they en-
tered-a place where pies Were n spe-
cialty where pies and nothing but pies
were sold, Wholesale and retail, all the
nve-long day. Browne approached the
counter, behind which the proprietor
OF the establishment was standing, and
asked, in his bland, insinuating voice,
Have you any pies?' "pesm replied
the astounded proprietor Eyes, pies. 3"
'Pies!N' repeated the man, still more
dumbiounded. "Of coursc-pies! Have
you any piosP' "PieslW gaacd the
shopman once more, gazing nj Browne
ns If he thought him an escaped lunatic.
Ion, well, If you haven't got'any pies,
I'll inquire somewhere else; come
jack and he marched his friend Out
OF the shop again before the salesman
could recover his wits.
Artemus delighted TO flip the sedat,
responsibility of Boston, while Ioyinl
the place sincerely. One day, in tn,
early afternoon, having lecture to de
liver tina, evening, some of his friend,
concluded that he would not he able {,
talk 50 well ut night if he kept on talk
Ing IN front OF the bar at the Parke
House They accordingly insisted OF
an immediate adjournment and Arte
mus, suspecting the game, determine
10 revenge himself. He locked arm
with two gentlemen very well known
indeed, in the city lone manager O
the leading theatre, the other n publ
officer. high In the confidence aud book
of the Commonwealth and walked @
with them along the city's most Grove