davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
One of the trunk tossers-Jumbo.
Summer board-The circus-seat.
Head line for the report of a club
banquet-A stuffed club.
The front door csat is always ready
to scrape new acquaintance.
Prize fights are becoming very fire.
quent. This may be called revival OF
the old style of pound parties.
"Does poultry pay?" said stranger
to city dealer. "Of course" was the
reply, 'even the little chickens shell
out.
Victor Hugo says his intellect tgrows
stronger with age, and does net rest, "
and the same thing might be said of an
old cheese.
A woman may not be able to sharp
en- pencil or throw stone at a hen,
but she can pack more articles into a
trunk than ran can in a one-horse
wagon.
There's one thing" said an old
merchant, "that never yet knew to
long it stood-and this is an outstand-
ing debt"
A Philadelphia youth, who is learn
ing to play the cornet, cannot under
stand why people will be so careless.
Half a dozen stray bullets have already
come through his window.
Things one would wish to have ex-
RI
Il hope | am not long boring you,
playing so much ?" Enamored youth
"Oh, no Pray go on ! I'D so much
sooner hear you play than talk y
Robinson went up to his room the
other afternoon, and noticed that there
was only one match remaining in the
boz. "Now, if that shouldn't burn to-
night when come in, 'solila pulsed he,
''What fix | should be in" So he
tried to see if it was good one. 1t
was.
A young lady appointed to defend d
prisoner dressed in sailors costu me,
addressed the jury very pathetically
in behalf of "this child of the sad sea
waves-this nursing of the storm"
At the close of his remarks it was dis
covered that his client was cook on a
canal boat, and had formerly peddled
fish The "child OF the sad sea waves
WAS sent up for six months.
In the morning a man gets up, but In
the evening he gets supper.
Ayacht is more like Christian than
the average man. She can stand Oh a
tack without swearing.
An Alabama editor confesses that he
"has serious apprehensions" that base
ball is about to be introduced in that
State.
New York's hop crop will be small
This would be sid blow to the coun-
try if the brewers hadn't learned years
ago how to make beer without hops.
Friend "Hello, Jim, you amt out Of
work again, are you?" UnyaithtM EM'
pLOye: "Well, yes; fact is, Pm not able
to work; been injured bya premature
discharge"
A French judge asked murderer
what excuse he could possibly offer fol
his crime. "Why, judge" said the
fellow, 81 often heard the man say
that he wanted to die suddenly"
$50 your daughter has married q
rich husband "Well," slowly replies
the father, 81 believe she has married
a rich man; but understand he is a
very poor husband"
1t is estimated that thirty thousand
Americans will go to Europe this sum-
mer, and nearly every one of them
will send home to their friends copicus
extracts from the guide-books.
"Do you believe in signs?" asked the
shopkeeper. "Well, l need to-" said
Fogg; "but since you placed in the
window, Selling for less than cost
| hava Weakened cnnsidera bly, y
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
A Queer Community in Pennsylvania

Elias Spiedel, of Ohio, formely a
member of the Economic Society, of
Beaver comfy, Pa, has begun a suit to
recover $50 600, the value of his share
in the society property. If the suit is
successful it will be followed by others
of similar character, and draw a
sum of money from the Economic So
ciety's we'll filled treasury. In view OF
this new attempt to establish claim
upon this curious and in some ways
Mormon-like settlement, a glimpse at
its history is interesting. 1t was about
the year 1900 that George Rapp, a
farmer and vintner, who lived in the
region Of Wurtemburg, Germany, be-
gan to preach in secret the gospel of
of the Second Adventists. He was
man of great personal magnetism,
with a ready command OF plausible
lies, shrewd and INSCRIPTIONS; so he
had a strong influence over the ignor-
ant people whom he addressed. He
told them that in order to be saved
from eternal damnation they must
leave the established church of their
country, settle either in America or
the Holy land, and wait patiently a
few years for the second coming of
Christ. Rapp announced himself to
be their spiritual leader with divine
authority, and il 1895 he persuaded
125 families to sell their lands and ac-
company him to America. These
Immigrants founded the settlement of
"Harmony," near Zslienope, Butler
county, Pa. Until they reached their
destination the families had paid their
own expenses aud heldon to their own
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
False Pretenses.

A sensation has been created III
Montreal by Mr.. Ingram, late assistant
general manager of the Merchants
bank, having got the chief teller to pay
him $500 ON his own check the day
before his retirement from service on
the plea that the directors were about
to make an appropriation in his favor
for the amount. The directors have
made no appropriation of the kind,
and the chief teller is held responsible
by the bank for the amount. Ingram
justifies his act and stands his ground.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

whatever he wants. Will settle the
score when / come back. P. Diver"
Armed with this note the tramp went
TO the hotel and ordered first mutton
stew, plate of roast veal and corn beef
and cabbage. Having eaten most raw
enously he ordered plate of larnb and
it's Accomplishments, a large dish of To-
matoes, dishes OF peas and 2 plates
of salmon, and the man took rest for
a few minutes and then drank bottles
of Scotch ale in succession, after which
he ate hard boiled eggs and an apple
pie. When Diver returned, Koppers
presented bill for 1895.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
He Secured Peace.

Paul Toliner, machinist of Chicago,
who has fire quently quareled with his
young wife, took an heroic method of
ending their troubles last week. Taking
her one side in their domicile, he said:
"Will you obey me after this?" Re-
ceiving an evssiye answer, he pulled a
thirty-two caliber revolver and fired
two shots into her breast, killing her
instantly. Stepping into an adjoining
room. he put bullet through his own
heart They had been married two
years and had one child.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

A shocking case of glanden, result
ing in the death of a man named
Frank Curl, aged about 35 years, has
Just taken place at Luther. The un.
fortunate man had been employed in
Hathaway's mill, and having cracks
upon his hands, it is supposed that he
caught the infection through the
handling of some boards upon which
the horse afflicted with the disease had
discharged the fatal disease from the
nostrils. 1t is said that in no other
way could the disease be commune
Gated, as the mnn had nothing TO do
with the horses. The whole body of
the man presented frightful appear
ance. The best medical aid was of no
avail, and he died in great agony.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
rmE.AM oEkINpNEss.

1t would be blessing and kindness to the
poor, weak, nervous, debiltated suffering humani-
ty, if druggists would stop selling the many vile
purgative pills and cathartie compounds adver-
tised for the cure of liver complaint. Although
they afford temporary relief they weaken the
digestive organs and compel a continued and in
ereasing use of the same. Sufferers from dys-
pepsia and liver complaint do not need cathart-
ic but should use some true medicinal tonic that
will strengthen the digestive organs and heal the
diseased tissues of the stomach, liver and bowels.
preparation of Yellow Dock Sarsaparila
Iron, Celery, Buchu, and Calisaya has proven
very efisacious as a permanent strengthened Of
the digestive organs. These ingredients all enter
into the composition of DR.. Guysottis Yellow
Dock and Sarsaparilla, a remedy highly recon
nended as a general health renewer
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
Neg no state ffleiaI.

E. McCabe, the nominee of the KAN
sas republican convention for auditor,
is said to be the first colored man to be
nominated for a State office in tue
northern States. He was born in New
York in 1850. lived in Rhode Island
and married in Illinois. He was in
the treasurer's Office Of Cook county,
ILL.,. for time, and in 1877 moved to
Kansas, where he has been and now is
county clerk.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
H
MOTHERS READ.

GENTs:-Ahout nine years ago had a child
two years old and almost dead. The doctor
had attending her could not tell what allied
her. / asked him if he did not think II was
worms. He said no. However, this did not
satisfy me, as l felt convinced in my ewn
mind that she had. / obtained bottle OF
DIR. c. McLANE'S CELEBRATED WEIR
MIFUGE (genuinel. l gave her teaspoon
full in the morning and another at night, aftet
which she passed seVenty-two worms anu
was a well child. Since then have never
been without it in my family. The health OF
my children remained so good that hld
neglected watching their actions until about
three weeks, ago, when two of them presented
the same sickly appearance that Fanny did
nine years ago. So / thought il must be
worms, and went TO work ut once with q bot
tie of DIR. c. McLANE'S VERMIFUGE be-
tween four of my children, their ages being as
follows: Alice, s years; Charley, years
Emma, years; John, years. Now comes
the result: Alice and Emma came cut all
right, but Charley passed forty-fve. and
Johnny about sixty worms. The result was
so gratifying that spent two days in show
ing the wonderful effect of your Nermifuge
around Utica, and now have the worms on
exhibition in my store ,
Yours truly, JOHN PIPER
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Being entirely vegetable, no particular care is
required while using DR.. Pierce's Pleasant Pur-
gative Pellets" They operate without disturb
ance to the constitution, diet, or occupation. For
sick headache, constipation, impure blood dzzi-
ness sour eructatons from the st omaeh, bad taste
in mouth, bilious attacks, pain in region Of kid
ney, internal fever bloated feeling about stomach
rush of blood to head take Dir. PIerces pellets "
By druggists.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

~ PRESUMPTION begins in ignorance and end
in ruin" On the other hand, the production of
Kidney-W ort began with wise cautious and sci
entifc research and its use ends in restoring shat
tered constitutions and endowing men and women
with health and happiness My tormented
back" is the exclamation Of more than one poor
hardworking man and woman; do you know why
it achesl 1t is because your kidneys are over
tasked and need strengthening, and your system
needs to be cleansed Df bad humors. Y GU need
Kidney w ort
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
A Tramp's Appetite.
New York Mail.

Patrick Diver, saloon keeper of this
city, was at Vanderbilt landing yester-
day morning awaiting the departure OF
the train for Tottenville. when he was
accosted by reugh-looking man in
tatters who asked him for dime. Di-
yer had some knowledge of the man,
having seen him around his saloon &C.
casionally. The man told him he was
starving. Diver said he would give him
no money, but taking out his pencil
and notebook he wrote the following
note to Ed. Koppers, hoteLkeeper at
the landing:
GIVE this poor fellow a dinner
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Mr. Charley b. Chambers, of Xenia, o., writes:
90 had many ailments, All the organs of my
body were in a weakened state-lungs liver, kid
news, heart, nerves, ETC., doctored for this and
then for that. | tried bitters, they failed. DR..
Guysott's Dock, and SarsaparilIa, helped me from
the start. | am now as strong and healthy as
when I was a hoy .
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
THE APACHES.
A Reign OF Terror Inaugurated in So
nora by Them Vitlages Destroyed,
Men Killed, and the country Pan, G.
AtricEeu-s Marrow EScaDh.


STRICKEN Narrow Escape.
The Stars Mexican advice of the 9Th,
from Hermosillo, Sonora, says that
parties Just arrived from Ures report
the Apache depredations in that sec
ton are most fearful. Over two hun
dred warriors are in the MaZ3tlan
mountains, near Ures, and make daily
raids in the valley in small bodies,
burning crops and houses, and MUIR
dering the inhabitants. During the
past twelve days forty-five persons have
been murdered within radius of
twenty-five miles from here. Lazaro
Valencia, worthy citizen of Ures, and
two prominent government officials
are among the number. Last week
they attacked the ranch Vlejoe. The
fight lasted four hoars. -Four of the
rancheros were killed and the remain
der wounded. Nine Apaches were left
on the field. The approach Of body
of Mexican troops caused them to re-
treat.
The Apaches are from San Carlos
Agency, all armed with Winchester
rifles, and use cartridges stamped "U.
S." The Mexicans are poorly armed
with muzzle- leaders. The country is
terrorized, business paralyzed, and set
tiers are fleeing from their ranches to
Ures. All available Mexican troops
are being concentrated to operate
aginst them.
Prof. H. B. Clifford, of Washington.
has just returned from Ures, Sonora,
where he has been examining mines
for an eastern syndicate. On the af-
ternoon of the 9Th he, with James
Walton, of Ell Paso, was attacked by a
band of Apaches, thirty miles south
east of Ures. Walton was seriously
wounded in the left shoulder, and
Clifford received wound in the right
side. Clifford saved Walton from fall
ing into the hands OF the Apaches by
holding him on his horse till out OF
their reach. He reports that section
of Sonora as swarming with Apaches.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
THE WIDOWS MITE.
FREDERICK LOCKER.

A widow-she had only only one
A puny and decrepit son
But day and night,
Though fretful oft, and welk and small,
A loving child be was her all
The widows mite.
The widows mite-ay, so sustained,
She battled onward nor complained,
Though friends we're fewer;
And while she toild for daily fare,
A little crutch upon the stair
Was music to her.
] saw her then-and now | see
That, though resigned and cheerful, she
Has snTrOw'd much
She has-He gave it tenderly-
Much faith and, carefully laid by,
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24


SENTLEMEN-Having been a sufferer for a
long time from nervous prostration and general
debility was advised to try Hop Bitters l have
taken one bottle, and have been rapidly getting
better ever since and think it the best medicine
| ever used. l am now gaining strength and ap-
petite which was all gone and | was in despair
until tried your Btters. | am now well, able to
90 about and do my own work Before taking it,
/ was completely Frustrated.
Mas Mary STUART
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

FOR HEADACHE Constipation, Liver dis
eases and all bilious arrangements there is no
remedy as safe and sure as Eilerts Daylight Liver
Pills. They stand unrivalled in removing bile
toning the stomach, and giving healthy action TO
the liver. Sold by all druggists.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

*Why is Mrs. Lydia +. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound like the Mississippi river in spring
freshetl Because the immense volume of this
healing river moves with such momentum that it
sweeps away all obstacles and is literally flooding
the cnnntrY.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

1t is no evidence because crowbars do not make
COED tooth picks that iron is not essential con-
stitue;.t of the blood, and that a deficiency Of it
in the blood causes anacmia, paeness weakness,
disease and suffering. Moral Aliens Iron
Tonic Bitters will supply this deficiency of iron
in the blood better than any other known remedy,
as the iron in these bitters is in the most perfect
state to be taken up and assimilated by the sys-
TEN. Prepared only by j. p. Allen Druggist
an@ Manufacturing Pharmacist, st. Paul, MINI.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

The market is flooded with worth less and vile
compounds for the rejuvinaton of the hair, but
Carb line the great petroleum hair remover and
dressing as now improved and perfected, still
takes the front rank as the best preparation ever
offered to the public.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Engineer Melville and the seamen of
the Jeanette have arrived at Tobolsk,
Siberia. They believe that Lieutenant
Chipp and his party persisted in snow
storm,
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Pure cod-lver oil, from selected livers, % tile
sea shore, by Caswell, Hazard u Co., N. Y.
Absolutely pure and sweet. Patients who have
once taken it prefer it to sIl Others. Physicians
declare II surerior to all other oils
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
. az117=7-7'7--77--7-
"ROEGH ON RATS"

Mrs Craig Wadsworth is the reign
ing queen of the American colony in
Paris. vice Mrs. Mackey.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

EILERTs EXTRACT OF TAR AND WILD CHEEKY is
standard reliable remedy for coughs colds and throat
diseases. II You suffering give them trial. sold
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

DR. JAQUE's GERM WORM CAKES AN infallible
remedies for worms. They viii not only destroy but
also remove them from the system. They pleasant
to take, perfectly harmless Sold by druggists.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Linen suits, dolmans, and cI0aKs, are
selling at JAMES MoRGAN's Feat Water
St. Milwaukee at half price. He is offer
ing great inducements in fine shoes
and dress goods.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

The Salem Mass. Register mentions
Mr.. j. S. LeFavour, artist, surprisingly
benefited by st. Jacobs Oil. REeuma-
tism twenty years.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

G~No family Dyes were ever 50 popular as
the Diamond Dyes. They never fail. The Black
is far superior to logwood. The other eolors are
brilliant
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
NennnI.. Isradicfinns

Vennor's predictions go far have been wonder
fully correct. He says 1882 will be remembered
year of great mortality. German Hop Bit
tiers should be used by every body,
DISTEMPER, COUGHS, COLDS, FEyERS,
and diseases which Horses, Cattle, Sheep aud
Poultry are subject to- are readily cured by Uncle
Sans Condition Powder Sold bv wi druggists
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
H0uSEROLn ACClDENTS.


the household, and which, while not dangerous
in themselves, arc exceedingly ann oy ing.
Burns, bruises, scaldS, sprains, etc, are prin-
Cipal among these troublesome and annoying
occurrences, and demand immediate treatment
with the best means at hand. In the kitchen.
the dining-hall the nursery and the sitting
room they are Eable TO happen, and, instead of
fear and alarm at the sight OF the cut or mashed
finger, or bruised or burned arm. or scalded
surface. a cool and quiet manner should be as
Sumcd, and after washing away the blood, (if
required }, the injured parts should be dressed
with that most valuable remcdy-ST. JACOBS
OIL Its surprisingly quick relief, its cleansing
properties, its tendency to quickly remove all
inflammation, and its wonderful efficacy in the
above as well as in all muscular and other pains,
such as rheumatism, neuralgia, toothache.
headache, stiffness of the joints. etc. these
render ST. JACOBS OIL prc-eminently the best
external remedy now before the people; which
claim is fully substantiatCd by the strongest
kind of testimony from all classes of people.
The value of human life is so supremacy impor-
tant that anything that tends TO its prolonea-
ton is entitled 70 the highest consideration.
Charles Nelson, Esq, proprietor Nelson House,
Port Huron, Mich, says; " | suffered so with
rheumatism that my arm withcred, ana phySl-
clans could not help me. l was in despair or
my life, when some one advised me 10 Try st.
JACOBS on. did so. and as if by magic, was
instantly relieved and by the continued use of
the Oil entirely cureti-s think heaven for
having used this wonderful remedy, for a Sc1ed
ma Ire. IT also cured nv wife"
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
EAVskStIcESyr

is bad thing, but DR.. Pierces "Fayorte Pre-
scripton" deserves Its name 1t is a certain cure
for those painful maladies and weaknesses which
embitter the lives of so many women. Of drug
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

UHOLERA-INF ANTUM or SUMMER COM
PLANT, this .eariul disease which is carrying
off infants ami children by the thousands at this
season Of the year can be cured by DR.. Wincheli's
Teething Syrup, which never fails to give ilnme-
date relief even in the most severe cases. Sold by
all druggists.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

If bilious, or suffering from impurity of blood
or weak lungs and fear consumption (scrofulous
disease of the lungs, take Dr.. Pierces Golden
Medical Discovery" and it will cure you. By
druggists.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

The Princess Louise is closely
guarded during her residence in Cana
da, because of rumors that the Fen
ians are going to kidnap her.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

The Rev. DR.. Henry Darling, pres
ident of Hamilton College, N. Y, will
spend the Summer at Saratoga.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Chapped hands, face, pimpes and rough skin
cured by using Juniper Tar Soap, made by Cas-
well Hazard e. Co., n. Y.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Madame Materna thinks of under
taking a season of German opera In
this country.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

A statue in clay of Oliver Cromwell
has been placed in the private corridor
e hind the house of lords.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Half the people are suffering ami many die
from this fatal complaint. Diseases Of the KID
neys and liver are the PRINCIPAL cause As a
cure we can only recommend German Hop Bit
tiers. Journal of Health.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Mayor Harrison of Chicago has been
given months vacation by the city
council, and has gone to Europe to
snpnd it.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

UNCLE SANS HARNESS OIL closes the
psres of leather, eectually prevents the entrance
ef dampness dust etc., rendering the harness soft
and pliable, and increasing its durability. Sold
V harness makers.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24
--------A-&---
sRUCHUlsAIHA.

Alex Martin Sullivan, M. p, will
visit America in Septem Der, and lee
ture on the Irish Question.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-08-24

Gen Hancock mas engaged quarters
at Long Branch for the remainder of
the season.