The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-10-26
WIT AND HUMOR.


A Baltimore belle has married po-
Eceman. His beat was in front of her
house for over a year, and she noticed
that he never snored.
An innocent Omaha girl who saw an
organ grinders monkey for the first
time, exclaimed, ''Is that thing one of
them are aesthetics that we read aboutP'
''No, SIR" said laborer, Il don't
hire out to that farmer. His confound-
ed fences are all barbed wire, and |
can't get minute rest climbing over"
"Don't think dat because aman's got
n serious face dar amt no fun in him."
said Uncle Nose. ''De monkey is al
lers grinnin', but he don't get of near
such good jokes as de elephant does"
Health journals insist upon reposing
on the rigEt side only, and claim that it
is injurious to lie on both sides, but we
don't know where they will find a health
ier looking set of men than lawyers.
A girl from Cincinnati kept on grow
ing fat and fatah, though she dieted on
battah for a yeah. In vain she tried to
scattah all the adiposal mattah, till the
doctor said she'd bettah stop her beah.
A stranger called at forty y-eight differ
ent houses in Cleveland and asked: 'Is
the boss home?" There was no man
home in any one instance, and yet forty
seven of the women replied, Yes, sir;
what do you wantP''
They don't have rains out west. A
cloud just saunters up and examines q
town and then collapses just over it.
Nobody escapes but the newspaper re-
porters and book agents.-Attdntd Con-
StitatiOn.
Il hate that Smithr' exclaimed Fill
kinson in passion. "Shr' cautioned
Fogg; don't let Smith hear you, Filky.
If he should know how you feel towards
him he'd be SO stuck up you wouldn't
be able to touch him with q ten-foot
pole"
An effort is to be made to raise oys-
ters in Salt Lake, Utah. It seems as
though it might be done, if they go at
it right. Oysters have been raised from
boarding house soup, but eternal vigi-
lance is the price of oysters it should be
understood.
He came home the other night in a
drizZling rain; soaked inside as we'll as
out. What excuse have you to offer, "
said his better half, ''for coming home
in such beery condition. ''None, my
DEAR" was his answer "cept twas a
very muggy day"
A correspondent asks, ''What time u
year do the days begin to shorten?''
When you have note in bank. A note
in bank is a great annihilator of time.
The days are crowded together in thin
layers, and the nights are like smear
from backing brush.--ArhansaS
1TaCeler.
Little Una McM., who had been sit
ting with knitted brows for several min
utes, as if pondering some weighty
problem of life, suddenly exclaimed,
.'Aunt c., I've been trying to think
what business to gointo when Pm grown
up, and I've Just decided. Imean to be
a ahyp0crtte."
.What would you do if you were
and were you?" tenderly inquired {
young swell of his lady friend, as he es
.corted her home from church. ''Well. y
said she, IF were you would throw
away that vile cigarette, cut up my canC
for fire wood, wear my watch chain un
derneath my coat, and stay at homo a
nights and pray for brains"
A gentleman in Troy has received +;
circular from lady principal of board
ing school in Louisville, KY, which in
cludes !. letter from grateful patron
who writes: Il will not apologize fo
writing YOU, who have been factor il
the mental development of my daugh
ter. l feel gatified for this ethorescenc'
and there is no one who has stimulated
her more than yourself. BY your magnet
ism or subtle charm, with which yol
have invested your instructions, the roat
has been royal one for her,"
1t gives man q vivid conception o
the hailowness of all earthly thing
when he sees the commander of bar
Der shop with head as barren rs the
bottom of wash bowl. and then read
his name on bottle of hair invigorato
warranted to produce hyperion curls OIL
n bald head in three months.
whats the crowd aboutp' queried
stranger, as he noticed a stream of visi
tors going into a fashionable residence
'1t's "a silver wedding" obligingly re
piled his informant "What's silve
weddin'? ?' why, a chaps been MAJ
ried twenty-five times. and he is a cele
bratin of it."
In New York recently twenty-fiv
young men were given instructions o
practical and scientific plumbing. Th
practical part, it is presumed, consistc
in tearing mp $50 worth of flooring t
repair n 40 cent leak which was locate
in another place, while the scientiti
portion comprised the art of making OF
a bill.
The obliging visitor, to show that h
is really fond of children, and that til
dear little one is not annoying him
the least, treats the kid to ride upon hi
knee. "Trot! trot! trot! How do yo
like that, nv boyP Is that nice?' aye.
sir, replies the child; ''but not so mic
as on the real donkey, the one with fou
legs"
They had been engaged to be marie
fifteen years, and still he had not mu,
tered up courage enough to ask her t
name the happy day. One evening h
called in particularly spoony frame {
mind, and asked her to sing somethin
that would "move" him. She sat dow
at the piano and sang, Darling l al
growing DID,"
No" remarked the red-nosed maj
81 don't believe in this bathing; peop
battle too much, altogether too muel
Look at me. l keep out of the w;
ter" They did look at him, and imm
diately came to the unanimous concll
sion that he not only kept himself OF
of the water, but that he also kept wat,
out of himself
WELL" said Yankee proudly to
travelling Scot, as they stood by the Fal
of Niagara, lis not that wonderful?
your country you never saw anythin
like thatr' Like that?" quoth the la
ter; there's far more wonderful col
cern nae twa miles frae whar l W,
born." Indeed" says Jonathan; "au
pray what kind of concern may it be?
"Why, mon," replied the other, ''it's
peacock wi a wooden leg"
"What have you that's good?' says
hungry traveller, as he seated himself
table d'hote at u Salt Lake City hote
"O," said the waiter, we've roast bee
roast mutton. roast pork, and broilC
curlews." whats a curlew?'' said Il
traveller. ''Why, bird-something Ill