The National tribune., 1882-06-24
WIT AND HUMOR.


the hammer, it is sale of effects; but when
a man gets seasick, it is the effects of a sail.
Sleep knits up the ravelled sleeve Of care,
but she lets the wOrn-out seat of poyerty's
pants take care of itself-SaEem Sunbeam.
Mrs. 2. c., Chattanooga, Tenn. Is there
any way to keep ants out of the sugar bowl?'
Yes. Fill the sugar bowl with salt.
"Ill make you dance" cried an irate
mother, pursuing her erring son, slipper in
hand. Then" remarked the Juvenile, we
shall have bawl."
The meanest man on record sent through
a postOfice presided over by a woman a
postal card on which was written: Dear
Jack-Here's the details of that scandal"
And then the rest was in Greek.
Mary Clemmer says only one girl in 500
can be happy as clergyman's wife; but as
only about one man in 500 stands in need of
a clergyman's wife, we don't see what Mary
is growing about.-NesO Haren Rcgissr.
Bedad Pat, wud yu Ink at 'em now?n
Mike was gazing intently at a procession
honoriny st. Patrick's day in the morning.
See, howthe fellows phat drunks the whus-
key all on flt, and the fellows phat sells it
all a'roidin'." Mike grasped pregnant fact.
Tim want to borrow your black Sun
dey pants to attend a funeral" said one Gal
weston Irishman to another. And whose
funeral is it ye arc so anxious TO attind in
me black Sunday pants? ?" Your own,
bedad, eff you don't lind 'em to me-"
l stand" said r stump orator, con the
broad platform of the principles Of 90, and
palsicd be my arm if I desert en-" "You
stand on nothing Of the kind interrupted a
little shoemaker in the crowd you stand
in my boots that you never paid me for, and
[ want the money"
A tobacco hater says: 1.-TWO cigars a day
viii supply family with -four" Fogg says
he buys half dozen cigars some days, but
he doesn't find it any easier to supply the
family with flour, for all that He thinks
there must be mistake somewhere.-Bo,toa
Transcript
His last wishes: "Your future husband
seems very exacting; he has been stipulat-
ing for all sorts Of things" said a mother to
a daughter, who was about getting married
Never mind, mamma" said the affectonate
girl, who was already dressed for the we'd
ding, these are his last wishes"
It was evening, Three OF them were kill
ing a cat. One of them held lantern, an
other held the cat, and the third iammed a
pistol into the cats ear, and fired, shooting
the man in the hand who held tho cat, and
the one with the lantern WAS wounded in the
arm. The cat left when it saw how matters
stood and that ill-feeling was being engen-
iered.
Cautious "When you were last here"
said the magistrate to the prisoner, "you
promised me that If released You you would
20 to work. Why haven't you kept your
word ?" Judge, returned the victim,
neekly, didn't want tC be breeding any
and | was afraid if I went to
work that L would get on e"-Brook- !
yn Eagle.
Matrimonial pleasantly: A lady whose
husband was the champion snoror of the .
in which they resided confded .
o a female friend the following painful iu-
diligence; My life has not been one of un-
tlloyed delight. l have h.d the measles, the
the cholera, the typhoid fever
md infammatory rheumatism but l never
Knew what real misfortune was until
married a burglar alarm
Thirty days in solitary confinement" was
he sentence pronounced against Jim Web
ter by an Austin Judge. Thirty days ~
isked the man. Thirty days was the re-
ponse. Look heah, boss, you glib me thirty
lays las winter for de same 'fense, when dc
lays was heap shorter den dey is now
Amt you gwine ter allow dc usual discount
n account of de signs in de zOdisckle?" A
OOk of intelligence appeared on the judicial
ace, and spread all over it. I" declare, l
orgot the days were not always Of the same
ength. I'll make it twenty days solitary
instead of thirty" "Toll me
lat book larnin' don't do niggar no good.
gets out ten days sooner, all OWN to my
labin' studied up de symptoms of de zodi-
4ekle," remarked Jim Webster, as the con-
stable led him of to jail.-9exas SJIftings. |