Connecticut western news., 1882-02-15
WIT AND WISDOM.


 hawk.
 "AH, ME-" sighed pawnbroker's wife, "what losn-sum life we lead p
 COLUMBUS made the egg stand, but Italians of less renown have made the peanut stand.
 FREDERICK LOCKER said he knew a lady who was desperately homely, as ugly-well, as ugly as sin, and almost as agreeable.
 ToM THUMB has become spiritualist, but he is not medium. He's much too small for medium. He's hardly half medium. Herdld.
 THE Turner's Falls Reporter intimates that the nearest approach to the ''block system" (which most of the railroads have yet got) is to allow block-heads to do the signaling.
 A CONNECTICUT man, aged "A, and once worth 5000, has been arrested for stealing eight cents worth of spruce lumber. Poor old man! Not enough left to pay for his board
 You never ascertain that there is hole in the heel of your rubber until you step in puddle on your way to an entertainment, with your patent leather pumps on-Puck.
 THE editor of the Sauquoit (N. Y.) Register suggests that persons sending in big eggs will rlease accompany them by several ordinary-sized ones, not for publication, but as @ guarantee of good faith.
 A LITTLE boy running struck his tee and fell on the pavement. t'Nevef mind, my little fellow" said bystand- CT; ''you won't feel the pain to-mor- row." "Then," answered the little boy, 'I won't cry tomorrow"
 "THERE is nothing like settling down." said the retired merchant to his neighbor confdentially. "When I gave up business I settled down aud found I had quite comfortable fortune. If I had settled r0 I should not have @ cent"
 "Do YOU know, my dear." said a
 husband to his wife, "that there is
 never 8 divorce case without woman
 in it ?" Her response was, "Do you
 know, my love, that there is never q breach of promise case without very [ mean man in itP"
 , CT JUST went out 10 see friend for l a moment" remarked Jones to his wife, : as he returned to his seat in the theatre. 5 Indeed" replied Mrs. J., with sarcas- tic surprise, 'T supposed, from the odor t of your breath, that you had been out 3 see your worst enemy" Jones winced. "MAY leave some tracts?" timidly 2 2 asked peddler of Western farmer. "May you leave some trucksp" was the brutal reply, "may you leave some trucks2 Yes, you may, and if you will - leave 'em right off and leave 'em with y the hubs toward the door I'll be obliged"
 :. A NoBnEMAN had married three wives ~ who had been his servants. A beggal woman meeting him one day in tho . street made him very low courtesy
 "Ah, bless your lordship," she said r "and send you long life, for if you dt . but live long enough we shall all bt
 ladies in time."
 f A POLITICAL speaker noted for hi . long winded harangues, said to the pre- . siding officer of meeting, just before Q he was introduced "I really do mol f know what to talk about, called upon Q so suddenly" "Well," said the pre-
 siding officer, eff you want to please ; the audience talk about five minutes. n A SCOTCH minister was once busy
 catechising his young parishiopers be
 fore the congregation, when he put the
 first question to stout girl whose
 father kept public house "What if j. your name?" No reply. The question d having been repeated, the girl rephed - "Nsne O yer fun, MT. Minister; ye ken 8 my name weel eneuch. Dye no say n when ye come to our house on night, | Bet, bring me some ale ! s WHEN man makes money in Wall f street he thinks he has good judgment, Auu Wu0u uo AOeoS u1OuOy As ID oA"oJ 2 - some one else's fault. A good deal of = the sound judgment of the street, how l ever, reminds us of the story of the 3 poor girl who drew a prize in lottery 8 by, ss she said, using her judgment in 3 the 'choice of a number. "How came , you to choose No. 23 ?" asked friend. t "Well," was the answer, 'I will tell l you. On three different nights I . dreamed of the number 2, and as three l times are just 23 chose that number = and won the prize. ."-N. y. Herald. 5 THOMAS had been carpenter; but, owing to 6ullness in trade, he engaged t as footman at the "big hoose" in the village. On the day of his engagement, . his mistress, having lady visitor in the 3 drawing room, rang the bell for the , footman. "You will show this lady the 3 front door, Thomas," she said. s'Yes. 3 mem," replied Thomas; and, lowing to the lady, he requested her to follow B him. On coming to the door, Thomaa 8 opened it, and the lady was about to 7 pass out, when Thomas, tapping hex d on the shoulder, remarked, "This is the h door, mem; guld pitch pine int, framed s twa and half inches thick with raised
 mouldings; wad cost aboot twa pound
 ten. mem. "-Manchester Times.
 NEVER SUSPECTED IT.