Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-03-10
f. u N

This is the way an obituary notice in
Madras paper starts off: The not uncom-
mon hand Of death has distilled with fe-
briIe wings from among a debris of be-
reaved relatives, friends, and submissive
subjects, into the interminable azure OF
the past an unexceptionally finished politi-
clan and phiIanthropist of the highest
specific gravity etc. debris of bereav-
ed relatives" is good. The writer could
make eleven dollars week in Chicago
writing up fires, police reports and divorce
cases.
Tommy was little rogue, whom his
mother had hard work to manage. Their
house IN the country was raised few feet
from the ground, and Tommy, to escape a
well-deserved whipping, ran from his
mother and crept under the house Pres
emily the father come home, and hearing
where the boy had taken refuge, crept UNI
der to bring him out. AS he approached
on his hands and knees, Tommy asked,
''Is she after you, too?"
AFFLIcTION.-A girl in one of our pub
lie schools applied to her teacher for leave
to be absent for half a day on the plea that
they had company at home. The teacher
referred her to the printed list of reasons
that the school committee think sufficient
to Justify absence, and asked her if her
case came under any of them. She replied
that it might come under the head OF do
nestle affection
A man with silver-plated, double back
action coin-holder came into the sanctum
the other day, and commenced explaining
this beauties of the article for holding Sill
yer halves, etc.. and he had gotten half
through before he found he was in print
ing office. When he saw his mistake he
went to the door, sadly opened it. and
kicked himself clear down stairs.
A young lady of this city was recently
noticed by her mother to be fondling and
kissing pet ketten. "Why. Mary" said
the mother, ''you have kissed that kitten
more ii, five minutes than you have me in
five years" 'sDon'J you know why I'd
rather kiss the kitten than you. mother?'
-'Ne, my child" "Yo GU havn't got whis
kers!''
A gentleman somewhat advanced in life
aHd who was never remarkable for bis
good looks, asked his grandchild what he
thought of him. The boys parents were
present. The youngster made no reply
Swell. why won't you tell me what you
get licked,'' was the answer.
s'This butter. Mr.. Spicer," said the deal
or, 'scarried off the prize at the farmers
fair.'' and Seth spat out taste of the
compound and remarked: Unless the
prize was ships anchor and chain cable,
l should think the butter could have car
ried it off easily"
An Illinois man. with foresight worthy
of better cause, popped the question On
a railroad train, and now the maiden is at
a loss to decide as to which county she
had better commence proceeding in for
breach of promise.
The Boston ssPost makes the farmer say:
sYes, barbed wire fence is expensive, but
the hired man doesn't stop and rest for
five minutes on the top of it, every time
he has to climb it.''
A darkey philosopher says: I has no.
ticed dat all de great men retains in arter
life de early Impressions Of childhood. Dis
scar hear is whar my farder bit me wild
sarsfrass stick''
An editor who speaks with the air of a
man who has discovered new fact by ex-
perience, says that the new way to prevent
bleeding at the nose is to keep your nose
out of other peoples business.
Snoring says the Williamsport ''Ban-
ner. denotes brain.'' This will be hap
by relief to those snorefs who imagine that
they had accidentally, while young, swal-
lowed tin trumpet.
An exchange remarks that no man can
afford to make fool of himself. Our CO.
Temporary forgets. however, that some men
are utterly reckless Of expense.
A COW with three rings on her horns is
S years old. A woman with three rings on
her fingers may be but Is, but oftener she
is nearer 60.
George Washington would have made