Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-12-15
F. U N


At recent railroad dinner, in compli-
ment to the legal fraternity, the toast was
given:-'sAn honest lawyer, the mobiles
work of God." but an old farmer in tn.
back part of the hall rather spoiled the If
feet by adding in loud voice, land about
the scarest.''
''Wel!,' remarked young M. D., just
from COLLEGE, 81 suppose the next thing
will be to hunt good location, and ther
wait for something to do, like Patience on
monument 81 Y - said q bystander. 'anc
it won't be long after you do begin be-
fore the monuments will be on the pa
tients.
That was frank reply to a friends in
timation of his approaching marriage:
should make my compliments to both OF
you, but as don It know the young lady.
can't felicitate you, and | know you s.
well that 1 can't felicltate er."-[L.
Figaro.
slave you ever before been punished b.
the law?'' asked an Austin justice Of Il
L
liar, and had to pay a fine.'' SIS that th
only time you have conflict with the law?'
Nov dat yer speaks of hit, jedge,
lieye was in de penitentiary for ten yeahs
if I disremember myself.
'sNo, SIR said the man, 'syou needn't
tell me woman ever had her dress poke
picked. 1 don t believe thief can discov-
er it. / know I've tried for two hours t.
find the pocket of one of my wife's dresses
and had to give it up.'
: ssWho was the first man ?" inquired
young lady of one of her Sunday schoo
scholars.
my pa, answered the youth.
80, no, your pa was not the first man."
"Well, he was the first one ever saw
anyway"
Herbert Spencer says that mans con-
versation is sure index to his mental CD
pacity. This is extremely severe upon
man who has just caught the back of HE
trousers on a nail.
Whenever you see woman taking
straight to man. and beginning to moo
her head aud keep time to 1t with her up
raised index finger,it is about time fui
somebody to climb a tree.
The worst about kissing PIttsburg
gill is that you carry the mark OF coal dast
!. about your nose and other features unit
you reach the nearest pump.
81 never think of appearing Oh the
street, even in the daytime, without
protector said mincing old mad as she
fastened on her chest.
Araminta thinks seriously of applying
for divorce, on the ground of fraud. Sic
= WAS induced to marry Frederick. she said.
principally because everybody said he Was
rising young man; but when it comes tt
getting up 10 build the kitchen ere thesF
!, cold mornings he doesn't rise worth d
cent. Hence Armlnta's grievance.
A young man finds himself in perplex-
ing situation when he is unable to dsti, :
guist between the ten-cent cigar purchased
for his own enjoyment and the two-for-
five intended for bis prospective father-in-
law.
An enterprising editor writes on ''How
to treat womeh.'' The only safe way for
ones pockei-book is to never show them
bill of fare. The have 6ndness for large
figures.
Des Moines, Iowa, has pretty milliner
who has been the cause of four divorces If
she had any heart at all she would not SO
ruthlsssly have broken off the tender rela.
tlons of husband and wife by her exorbtant
charges for bonnets Fashion is at times a
fend.
Mistress to new cook-''On Wednesdays
and saturdaysI shall go to market with
you.'' New cook-''Very well. mum, but
who's agoin' to carry the basket?"
II pla bg ere,'' wrote st. Louis belle
to Chicago professor, who Immediately
wrote her, saying that he believed she also
spelled that way.
While puttiag on clean shirt, Hart
! well, Ca, man fell over trunk and broke
his collar-bone. He says he is going to
try it again when he gets we'll.
When woman wants to get rid of her
husband for an hour, she sends him up
stairs to get something from the pocket of
one Of her dresses.
lido you believe in love in cottage?'
Yes; but if you are burdened with a pal
ace. don t be backward on that account.
a man should be regular in his habits,
If LIS habits are good. Otherwise, it were
better to leave them altogether.
A New York girl has made s150,000 by
an Oil transaction. A can of it blew hsr
rich aunt to kingdom come.