The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1882-06-29
DAMON AND PTHIAS.
True Story of their Difficulties on
Account of the Mutual Mash.
(BYSBILL NYB)

CHAPTER 1.

The romantic story of Damon and
Pythias, which has been celebrated in
verse and song for over two thousand
years, is supposed to have originated
during the reign of DiOnysius l., or DiO-
nysius the Elder, as he was also called,
who reigned about $50 years B. G.. He
must have been called "the Elder" more
for joke than anything else, as he was
by inclination a Unitarian, although he
was never member of any church what
ever, and was in fact the Wickedest man
IN all Syracuse.
DiOnysius arose to the throne from the
ranks, and used to call himself a self
made man. He was tyrannical, severe
and selfish, as all self-made men are.
SeIf-made men are very prone to usurp
the prerOgative of the Almighty and over
work themselves. They are not satisfied
With the position of division supeTin-
5endent of creation, but they want to be
most worthy high grand-a-muck of the
entire ranch, or their lives are gloomy
dZZles.
Dionysius was indeed so OdiOus and so
OYerbearing toward his subjects that he
lived in constant fear of assassination
1T their hands. This fear robbed him of
his rest and rendered life dreary waste
TO the tyrannical king. He lived in
constant dread that each previous mo-
ment would be followed by the succeed .
ing one.
He would eat hearty supper and re-
fire to rest, but the night would be
cursed with hOrrid dreams of the Scy-
thians and White River Utes peeling off
his epidermis and throwing him into a
boiling cauldrOn with red pepper and
other cOunter-irritants, while they
danced the Highland fling around this
royal barbecue.
l.; 60
forbidden to enter his presence for fear
shat they would put barn arsenic" in
the blanc mango or "COsgrOve arsenic"
In the pancake or paris green in the
pie.
During his reign he had constructed
an immense subterTanean caVernous ar
rangement called the ear of Dionysius,
because it resembled in shape and gen.
sral telephone power, the human ear.
It was the largest ear on record. One
day workman expressed the desire to
erect a similar ear of tin or galvanized
iron on old Di himself. Some one elbow
ed on him." and the next morning his
head was humping about in the waste
paper basket at the general office. When
one of the Kings subjects, who thought
ne was solid with the administration,
would say: Beyond the possibility of
dOnbt, Your Most Serene Highness is the
and the idol of his subjects" His Royal
Tallness would say: what ye given usY
Do you wish to play the Most Sublime
0verseer of the Universe and General
Ticket Agent PlenipOtentiary for a
Chinaman? Hal You cannot fill up the
King of Syracuse with taffy." Then
he would order the chief executiOner to
run the man through the royal sausage
grinder and throw him into the Medi-
Tn do
grinder was kept running night and day.
and the chief engineer who run the ma
chine made double time every month
CHAPTER II.
1 will now bring in Damon and
Pythias.
Damon and Pythias were named after
q popular secret organization because
they were so solid on each other. They
thought more of one another than any
body. They borrowed chewing tobacco,
and were always sOeiable and pleasant.
They slept together, and unitedly "stOOd
or the lSndlady from month to month
in the most cheerful and harmonious
manner. If Pythias snOred in the night
IKE the blast of fog-hOrn, Damon did
not get mad and kick him in the stomach
rs some would. He gently but firmly
hoOk him by the nose and lifted him up
and down to the merry rhythm of "The
Babies in our Block"
They loved one another in season and
out Of season. Their affection :. az Ike
the soft bloom on the nose of a Wyoming
legislalOr. 1t never grew pale or wilted.
H was always there. If Damon were at
The bat, Pythias was on deck. If Damon
went to the church fair and invited star
Vation, Pythias would go, too, and vote
on the handsomest baby till the First
National Bank of Syracuse would refuse
TO honor his checks.
But one day Damon got too much
oudge,and told the venerable andeolossal
old royal hummer of Syracuse what he
thought of him. Then DiOnysius told
the chiefengineerOf. the sausage grinder