Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-07-03

The man who said, II always take
things as they come," was probably bred
photographer.
A city paper in announcing Il recent
marriage, heads it 'At the End of his
Troubles" The paper, however, neglects
to state at which end.
Saratoga trunks are way off now. No
young lady can possibly visit a summer
resort, and be fashionable without Jum-
DO trunk That is the latest size.
'Mamma," said wee pet, ''they sang
4 want to be an angel in Sunday school
this morning, and 1 sang with them"
''Why, Nellie!" exclaimed nanny,
''could you keep time with the rest?" ''I
guess | conld, proudly answered little
Nellie; ~ kept ahead of them most all
the way through"
Just as a girl was about to drown her.
self in Athens, Ala, the other day, a man
caught her. She struggled, but he held
her fast. ''Tll give you ten minutes to
to think it over,'' he said, 'sand then if
you want to die I'll let you do it." When
the time was up he released her, and she
went quietly home.
A young lawyer, appointed to defend
prisoner dressed in sailors costume,
| addressed the jury very pathetically in
behalf of ''this child of the sad sea waves,
this nursing of the storm" At the close
of his remarks it was discovered that his
client was cook on canal-boat and had
formerly peddled fish. ''The child of the
| sad sea waves" was sent up for six
| months.
This is the way an obituary notice in a
| Madras paper starts off: ''The not uncom-
| mon hand of death has distilled with feb
| rile wings from among debris of be-
| reaved relatives, friends and submissive
| subjects, into the interminable azure Of
the past, an unexceptionally finished pol
| itician and philanthropist of the highest
| specific gravity etc. "Debris of bereav-
ed relatives is good.
1t was an Ohio man who when terri
4 U1C SuOIil SCG Ill OIlC uISIlU, IuSucu lubO
| the house of neighbor and cried out
"Jones, this is the ending up of earth. "
| ''I'm afraid so-I'm afraid so" was the
| reply. 'sAnd what shall we do?" ssMake
our peace with heavenr' The wind blew
| still stronger, the house began to shake,
| and the excited man exclaimed: 'tJones
| you lost five bushels of wheat last fall?''
"Yes.'' "And you have your suspicions?'
II have. The man who took my wheat
had better own up" 'sCan you forgive
| him?" 81 can" 'sWell-" Here the
wind suddenly stopped, and after a look
through the window the conscience
stricken man turned and finished: 'sWell,
I was going to remark if I ever meet him
| I'll advise him to call around"
After he had explained that the old
| woman was bound and determined to have
a new bedroom carpet, and that being he
was in town he thought he'd take it home
and surprise her, he added that he wanted
enough inham carpet to cover a room
seven by eleven.' ''You mean ingram, -
said the dealer ''Well, 1 s'pose it's all
the same. How much is that piece?'
| "Seventy cents yard" lawful steep,
| but kinder purity. How long will it wear?'
ooh, ten or twelve years" 'Can it be
turned?" eyes" Anything to get out
of repair!" ''Nothing." "Will the colors
fade?' "They are warranted not to-
! "Seventy cents a yard, eh? Well, rath-
er like it. Can the old woman sew it to-
gether?' ''Oh, yes" ssAnd l can nail it
| down, I reckon?" s'You cam" The num-
Der of yards required were cut off, rolled
up and paid for and the buyer departed.
Two hours had passed and his call had
been forgotten, when he drove up to the
store, leaped to the walk, and rushing in
he called out ''Hang me, if hadn't got
four miles out of town when l suddenly
remembered that didn't ask you whether
the blamed thing would wash"