St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1882-09-22
Substitute for The Spiral
Shirt stud.
a WANT LONG AND PAINFULLY FELT.

We see that there is a new shirt
stud invented, which goes through the
gimlet hole in a shirt bosom in sections,
and snaps together, leaving the under
side smooth, so that there is no raw
selvage to stick into n mans vital parts,
the way there is in the old spiral stud,
and we look forward to the happy flu
ture when we can buy IA set of the new
studs and give the old spiral studs To
the poor, who have no feelings to be
lacerated. We have thought for
years that the government ought to
call in the old spiral shirt studs and
issue new kind, with coupons that
will go together with snap; but no
body has seemed to think the govern
ment ought to take the responsibility.
| The man who has invented the new
stud should be placed on the pension
roll with the man who invented the
| telegraph and the India rubber baby
clothes.
For hundred years the spiral shirt
stud that screws in has held the stom-
ach of man in its grasp, and has made
sore spots on him, when all should he
sunshine and so forth. 1t is said that
women share our joys and our SOTrows.
/ That may he so to Il certain extent, and
they may suffer some, but they don't
/ know anything about the horrors of
spiral shirt stud. Many men 20 down
to their graves, and never complain,
who have had their lives made misera-
BILE by spiral shirt studs. No man can
be cheerful, full of fun and friVOlity,
and keep IL company IN Il roar of laugh
| ter, when he is constantly reminded
| that three golden corll-scrcws are gen
| tly but firmly entering his body from
three different places, that the three diff
| ferent shows are getting IN their work
under one canvas at one price of ad-
mission. Ii is asking too much to eX-
| pect Il man to he entertaining when
! three artcsan wells are being sunk in
| his person at once.
Women do not mean To bc cruel, and
to cause unnecessary pains To man,
but if they knew how they send the
| qulverlng arrows to his very soul, III
three places, they would be careful how
| they throw their heads on mems shirt
bOSoms, and root around to find an
easy place to rest. No doubt many of
our lady readers have noticed that
men shrink from them when they lay
tn cir darling little heads on his breast,
and have thought the man was shocked
at their actions. 1t is not that. 1t is
the spiral shirt stud. OF course a man
will stand a good deal, and not com
plain under such circumstances, but if
the woman in the case, or on the shirt
bosom rather, will look up into his
fond eyes she will find there, beside IL
look of satisfaction and dOn't-get- t-up-
on-m -my-accOunt expression, a far away,
penetrating look, as though his soul was
on fire or he had been eating cucumbers
Women can have no idea of the sacri-
; flee man makes, i'll such cases, and they
should not be surprised if he faints
away. Other things in the world may
cease, but the boring of the spiral stud
never ceases. We have known a preach
er to get Il vacation of six months,
with trip abroad, because he looked
sick, when all in the world that allied
him was spiral shirt-stud boring into
him, though i'll this instance there was
no female head acting as Il screw-driv-
er to drive them in He would preach
a sermon on faith, and look sick, as
the studs went into him, and the con
gregatiOn would pity him, and think il
was his liver, and raise money enough
to send him all over the world. Oh,
the spiral stud has done much to demon.
alize the world, and it should be sup
pressed Burlington Hawkeye.