Connecticut western news., 1882-06-07
WIT AND WISDOM.

WHEN there's will there's way-to
 contest it.
 A MATCH safe-When all the old folks are willing.
 , A MAN never looks so like Q red
 handed villain as when he is told by
 the photographer to "look pleasant" "CHARnEs, dear, now we are married,
 you know we shonld have no secrets.
 So do, like love, hand me the bottle
 of hair-dye; you will find it in my
 dressing-case.
 CANT that a lovely critter, John"
 said Jerusha, as they stopped opposite
 the leopard's cage. "Waal, yes" said
 John, "but he's dreffully freckled,
 ain't he?"
 YOUNG SWELL "Fraulein Mathilde,
 may offer you my arm?" Mathilde
 ooh, this offering your arm is getting
 monotonous. Why not offer me your
 hand for change?
 A TRIPLE over forty per cent. of the
 members of the House attend its daily
 sessions. It will be seen that the ceun-
 try is sixty per cent. better off than had
 been supposed. HaVen Register.
 A PHILOSOPHER observes that there
 are two periods of life when man looks
 to see if his hair is coming out-at
 twenty, when he inspects his upper
 lip; at forty, when he inspects the top
 of his head.
 THOUGHTFUL CONSIDERATION Isabel
 Irene: Please shut your eyes for a
 moment, Mamma" Mamma: "Why ?"
 Isabel Irene: "You said you never
 wanted to see me take sugar, and l am
 going to take piece now"
 IN Q certain street are three tailors.
 The first to set up shop hung out his
 sign: Here is the best tailor in town" The next put up: (" Here is ; the best tailor in the world" The third
 simply had this "Here is the best , tailor in this street."
 A KENTUCKY farmer has O sheep that chews tobacco equal to man. When deprived of the weed it will bleat until somebody provides it with a chew. It beats all what resemblance there is between this sheep and a young man that does business in this place. A SHIRT has two arms, the same as pantalocns have two legs. Yet one is ' called pair and the other is only one. Isn't it time that we let up on astrono- my, and paid more attention to the everyday trifes that vex the dearest minds ?-Christidn at Work. , AN English bishop querulously re-
 marked to his servant that he was dying. "WelI, my lord," said the good fellow, "you are going to better place. "John," replied the prelate. I with an air of conviction, "there's no
 place like old England" ?"
 SENATOR McPherson, of Ottawa, has written book on etiquette to be ob- ] served by officers and members of the l Senate. One of the rules is that no 2 Senator shall call another liar without : first attracting his attention with an 1 inkstand or paper weight.-Quiz. @ ToNsoRIAn ITEM: The Scranton Re- B publican relates that as Wilkesbarre r man took his seat in the barber's chair he asked the barber if he had the same 8 razor he had used two days before. Being answered afirmatively, the pa-
 tient man said, "Then give me chloro-
 form"
 AsHoRT SIGHTED German professor who
 invited several students to sup with him, ~ notices that one of them does not touch = his knife and fork, and asks him why he ,t doesn't eat. Student: Because there
 is nothing left on the plate." Professor: O "Then one of the others must have O taken more than one sausage" 1t A CHICAGO woman travelling in the tt South, says Peck's Sun, made good & deal of fun of some of the Southern
 women who dip snuff, but when party I of them on car saw the Chicago girl g kiss poodle dog on the nose, and they d all turned pale and put their heads out is of the windows for fresh air, the north- {: ern girl began to reflect that perhaps
 snuff was nearly as clean as the average ,r dogs nose. Any way, either north- " ern or sou thern mar, if he wanted to B. kiss woman, would take the snuff O twice before he would take secondhand y dog once.
 "WEL1, d school inspector of Boston
 was visiting certain seminary in New n England, and after describing to his d young audience a little boy whom he r. once knew as possessing every possible le juvenile virtue-suchas never being late l. for school, never plotting his copy
 book, never telling story, or emitting y an exerclse-he concluded by asking 7s the children, in solemn tones: And 'u where do you think he is nowP With o one acclaim the little boys cried out 'e In heaven, sir r With somewhat dis At concerted visage the schoolmaster re a' piled: No, no no exactly in heaven
 but he is keeping store in Boston. 1a m A FRENCH lady recently died at tn
 advanced age of ninety. Her will con tained this provision "I leave to m, '.. physician, whose enlightened care an, ol wise prescriptions have made me lives n' long, all that is contained in the ol )" oaken chest in my boudoir. The ke. l8 of the chest will be found under tn J mattress of my bed" The heirs wer .- much disturbed, for they foresaw material diminution of their share z 'N the property. The fortunate and e1 ay pectant phy ysician at length arrived