Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1882-09-06
FUNEYIsMs.

out IN one round.-[ Boston Globe
The Arabs favorite musical instrument
the loot.-[Cincinnati Saturday Night.
The English have stopped saying
sha when Arab is mentioned. -[New
:, Inns Is said to be good corn weather, but
then everybody doesn't like corn roasted.
Philadelphia News.
A sign on Milwaukee store reads ::
burles by the kwort." But it is
grocers and not an undertaker's shop.
=, 10 be good swimmer the mouth should
always be kept shut. Women are seldom
good swimmers Yonkers Statesman.
;, fecple say that blackberries are good for
me complexion, but who wants black
perry complexion Fl Philadelphia News.
There is a farmer in Ohio who has not
sneared his sheep in five years, because, as
ne claims, Providence intended the sheep
to wear their wool.
The sight of fat man trying to look
graceful IN bathing suit is what makes
the little baldhaaded fishes stand on their
Talls and grin.-[Philadelphia Chronicle.
Arthur to Congress at is written,
Ihou shalt not steal" Congress to
Arthur " You be id /! We propose to
carry on the old business at the old stand"
-[Chicago Times.
a Maine schoolboy has gone insane. The
calamity was occasiored by his sitting I'D
nights searching biographies and aliases to
ind the Royal river mentioned in the river
and harbor bill.-[Boston Post.
Yacht owner to guest-"Its ALWAYS
rough sailing when you are on board, Jim"
Guest" Why is it? Y. o." Because
always have dead beat" Guest gets
out and walksl.-[Bosto Advertiser.
modest request was made the other
day by little daughter of a well known
81 francis AaVier street, Montreal, stock
broker " Pa, will You give me corner in
change.
A little four-year-old had been exploring
the garden patch and discovered cucum.
Der growing on the vines Excitedly he
rushed into the house, crying Mamma,
mamma, we've got pickle on our souash.'
/ Boston Globe.
Young man, improve your mind while
you can. After while, il your present
rate of speed is kept up, you won't have
any mind. Then what will won dol
Preach, or go to the Legislature.
kansaw Traveller.
Three Chicago children have been ar.
rested and fined for stealing twenty-five
pillows. Those twenty five pillows were
from summer hotel, and were found con-
ceaied In one OF the boys vest pockets
boston Transcript.
The man who said Strike, till the last
armed Zoe expires, strike for your affairs
and your fires strike for the green graves
OF your slres, God and your native land"
must have been whole labor organization
IN himself. -[Oil City Blizzard.
The popular way of holding an ear of
corn at table ls to hold it as flute PLAYER
holds his flute while playing, having also
an eye on another ear in the plate. Those
WHO have false teeth shave the cob with a
kniie.-INew Orleans Picayune.
General Spinner is fishing down in Flor.
ida, with eminent success. He lust bats
with his signature, and the fish that can
distinguish 1t from the writhipgest kind of
worm has to be ar expert of many wears
standing. 81 Burlington Hawkeye.
In describing a bathing costume the
other day, Clara Belle said that the skirt
was too short to sit on. If there isn't n
dress reform at the seaside pretty soon,
ladies' skirts will soon be SO brief after a
while that their suspenders will show
bad Bill Nye.
When the New York Yacht Club was in
Marblehead harbor, recently, milk was sc
scarce that 81 quart was offered for it.
somewhat excited old lady, on hearing
the news, rushed to the door and ex-
claimed " Just think on it ! A dollar a
quart for milk / wish to the Lord had
COW and pump !"-[ Boston Post.
lad who had been in bathing was in
the act of dressing himself, when one Of
his shoes rolled down the rock and dissrx
peared In the watsy In-->tttsgSg-<{
rescue It he lost .he ojner one also, where's
upon, contemplating his feet with q most
melancholy expression, he apostrophized
" Well, you are nice pair of orphans,
amt yos ~ Brooklyn Eagle.
She slipped upon a banana peel
This was sad
She felt older than she used to feel
This made her mad;
Madder yet was she at the man
Who threw it there;
But maddest was she because like a man
She couldn't swear.
New York Telegram.
"Jack," said an affectionate mother Of
Stapleton the other morning, "you really
must come home earlier nights. Do you
suppose Esmeralda likes to have you stay
80 late ?" "I'll tell you how it was, re-
piled Jack 81 You see, she was sitting on
my hat. and l felt little delicate about
mentioning the fact. " " Very well, I'll civ
you bit of advice. The next time don't
hold your hat in your lap"
An army chaplain relates the following
funny story: Seeing dirty-faced urchin
on the fence in front of house in Georgia
one day, the preacher stopped and asked
g Is your father at home % "No. he's
gone to church" els your mother in 90
mo she's gone, too" "Then you're
alone - mo; Sans in thar huggin' the
riggar gal" "That's bad eyes, it is
bad-but it's the best he can d. Texas
Siftings.
81 understand, Uncle Amos, that you
have quit preaching" said the Secretary of
State to an old colored man who for wears
had charge of church in Little Rock.
Eyes, boss, Use stepped aside" "Why
did you quit "Wall, dar was numerous
pressures brought ter bar agin the old
man. Da charged me wild stealin' a
ham for one thing, and 'vised me
ter quit" "Why, they couldn't prove
that you stole the ham, could they ~
&C. No, sab, da couldn't, an eff I hadn't &C.
knowledged it da nebber would had
prubed it." "Why did you acknowledge
it," Case da found de ham under my
bed, sab. Fl Arkansaw Traveller.
A SEA SERPENT THAT BARKED.