The Evening critic., 1882-01-11
A GOATS SPREE.
Terrible Effects of Beer ON ~ Nervous
Animal Organization.

Derrick Dodd, IN the san Francisco Post.
A tall, thin man, with a red nose, gray
side whiskcrs and melancholy expression,
driftcd into the Office of the Post last week
and asked in a subducd voice it there was
an unemployed reporter on the staff just
then.
Because said the stranger, ~ very
peculiar thing happened mp our way-I
live at Hayes Vailey-this morning, and
which perhaps you might work up into %
sort of item somehow.
What sort of thing q said the manag-
ing editor, winking Co the fighting editor
to get his club ready in ease the man pulled
out poem or any other dangerous con.
trivance.
"wol, in the first place said the
stranger, ahstractcdly, do You happen to
know the effect of beer on animals2"
Cant say do"
ITS exactly the reverse of what it is on
me. Instead of soothing 'em, it exctes
their nervous organization 20 the highest
pitch. Actually makes 'eih insane
docs, eh ~
"Ycs, sir; and this morning, as IL WAS
rather sultry, l sent my youngest boy ior
gallon of beer. lie stopped ON the way and
put the can down to play marbles. Nc
Ginty's old black billy-goat came along
and drank up the beer-every drop Of it,
Great CRsar!' said the court reporter
smacking his lips regretfully.
He drank every drop of it, and nearly
chokcd to death ON the eau. lie stood
blinking around little for. awhile; then
he started for street car with all colors
set. lie hit the horse square amidship,
and it foundered at once
Wrecked, | suppose?" said the editor.
Precisely. The goat then glanced off,
killed the driver and telescoped the car. |
was sitting at the window all this time
and my attention was directed by Gov.
Perkins going down street hell-bent for
election"
Gov. Perkins?"
That's the goats name, you see. Me
Ginty is a strong Republican. There were
four men getting piano out of wagon
across the street when the governor went
through 'em like pile-driver behind time,
The Steinway was sent to the manulactory
and the men TO the hospital. Terrible,
wasn't it?"
"Is this goat story in one act 2" asked
the militia special getting out his SPRING
field
In one scene and nine tableaux,n said
the stranger, solemnly. On the next
block the governor came across n Dutch
picnic headed by brass band. The Teu-
tons were footing Listen to the Mocking
Bird, and the way that goat stood on his
hind legs and waltZed around the pavement
to the music was just too funny for any
thing. | may say that it was actually
amusing. 1t slipped on banana peel once,
and fell against cigar sign.
Never mind the scenery" said the ed-
tor, motioning the devil TO call in six of
the healthest compositors
"Well, pretty soon the band changed off
into Come Where My Love Lies Dream
ing"
f" Did the rnat pomnoD
4" You just bet he did. lie didn't fancy
the tune somehow, and Che drum-maiOr
knew perky-we call the goat Perky for
short--toOk him in the stomach broke
him clean in two; went through the rest of
the band, including the big drum, aud 50
on clear down to the end of the picnic.
which was four squares long. | think
| there We're ninety-two killed and sos
wounded. Pretty good, when you consider
the entire driving power was only one
| gallon of cheep beer; now, wasn't it2
| Now, it occurred to-"
Just one minute" said the editor, sig
mailing the staff TO spit on their hands and
| get ready for action. "Allow me to explain
| what occurred to you. You concluded to
catch the goat when he got sober and bring
| him down here for our benefit. You have
him tied TO a re-plug around the corner,
and if we will only chip in about four bits
for beer, you will get the animal started
and we can watch the fun
" Exactly" said the stranger warmly !;
that is precisely my idea. will now take
up II col
| That afternoon such of the customers of
the Post as tOiled up into the editorial rooms
wondered at the number of fresh blood
stains on the stairs.