Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1882-03-22
HOW TO DOIT.
The Way Editors Should Ap.
ply for Passes.

The Way Editors Should Ap.
ply for Passes.
Bill Nye of the Maramie Boomerang
suggests to editors the following form
of letter in applying for railway passes
The phraseology is original with Nye,
but many General Passenger Agent
will testify that the noble and indie.
pendent ideas are as old as the hills:
OFFICE OF FREEDOMS BUGLE HORN,
WAHoo, NEB., Feb. %, 1882
To Hon. j. O. Gall, General Passen
ger and Ticket agent j. 1. II. C. r.
o. W. Ry., Chicago, H.:
DEAR SIR Unfortunately you
have never experienced the glad thrill
and holy joy of my acquaintance.
You have CROPPED through the long
and dreary heretofore without that
solemn gladness that you might have
enjoyed had Providence thrown you in
the golden sunlight of my smile.
/ have addressed you at this moment
for the purpose of ascertaining your
mental convictions relative to obtain
ing pass over your voluptuous line.
The Bugle Horn being only semi-an-
nual, you will probably have some lit
tie reservation about issuing an annual
on the strength of it.
This, however, is fatal error on
your part.
1t is true that this literary blood
searcher and kidney -polisher, if l may
be allowed that chaste and eccentric eX-
preston, does not occur very often.
but when it does shoot athwart the
journalistic horizon, error and cock
eyed ignorance begin to seek tall grass.
You will readily see how it is in
my power to throw your road into the
hands of receiver in few days. 1t
will occur to you instantly that, with
the enormous power in my hands,
something should be done at once to
muzzle and subsidize me. The Bugle
Horn stands upon the pinnacle of pure
and untarnished independence. Her
clarion notes are ever heard above din
of war and in favor OF the poor, the
down-trodden and the oppressed. Still
it is my solemn duty to foster and en-
courage a few poor and deserving
monopolies.
/ have already taken your road end
80 to speak, placed it upon its feet.
Time and again | have shut my eyes
to unpleasant facts, relative to your
line, because | did not wish to crush
young and growing industry. | can
point to many instances where hot
boxes and other outrages upon the
travelling public have been ignored by
me and allowed to pass by.
Last fall you had wash-out at jim
town, which was criminally inexcusa-
BILE in its character, but / passed silent
ly over the occurrence in order that
you might redeem yourself. One of
your conductors, an overgrown bald
headed pelican from Laramie, man of
no literary ability and who could not
write poem to save his measly pol
luted soul from perdition, once started
the train out of Wahoo when l was
within I of a mile of the depot and
left me gazing thoughtfully down the
track with l50'pound hand trunk to
carry back home with me.
What did do? Did / 60 to the
telegraph Office and wire you to stop
the train and kill the conductor with a
coal pick !? Did | cut short his un-
profitable life and ruin the road with
my cruel pen?
No, sir.
hushed up the matter. l kept it
out of the papers so far as possible in
order that your soulless corporation
might have q new lease of life.
Another time when my pass and
pocket money had expired at about the
same moment and | undertook to
travel upon my voluptuous shape, a
red headed conductor whose soul has
never walked upon the sunlit hills of
potent genius, caught me by the bosom
of the pants and forcibly elected me
from the train while it was In motion
and with such vigor and enthusiasm
that rolled down an embankment
100 feet with frightful. rapidity and
loss of life.
| large bottle of tanzy and sweet
spirit hear my prayer, which l had
concealed about my person to keep oil
malaria and rattle snakes, was fright
fully crushed and segregated. Besides
all this my feelings were hurt and out
ragged, and so was the portico of my
pantaloons.
Others would have burned down
water tank, or busted off crossing
with the mangled corpse of the gener-
al passenger agent, but | did not. /
wound up my bleeding heart, and
walked home beneath the cold un-
blinking stars and forgave the cruel
wrong.
| now ask you whether in view OF
all this you will or will not, stand in
the pathway of your company's sue
cess. Will you refuse me pass and
call down upon yourself the avalanche
of my burning wrath, or will you grant
me an annual, and open such an era OF
prosperity for the j. l. M. G.. IL. y.
w. Railway as it never before knew!
Do you want the aid and encour
apement of the Bugle Horn and sue
cess, or do you want its opposition
and pauper's grave beneath the blue
eyed Johnny jump-ups of the valley
Ostensibly | am independent and
fearless, but it you are looking around
for journal to subsidize, do not forget
the number of my postofice box |
have made and unmade several rail-
roads already, and it makes me shud-
der to think of the horrible fate which
awaits you if you hold your nose too
high and stifien your official neck.
SbonId Won enclose the pass. |