Middletown transcript., 1882-03-31
CHIPS.

The Catskill man has swapped his
liver pad for a mustard plaster, because
the latter is Of an old gold" color, and
therefore more aesthetic. CdtskiU Re
cOrder.
In the settlement of the Sprague di-
vorce case, if Mrs. Sprague takes the
girls and Mr.. Sprague the boy, shouldn't
Conkling have the shotgun ?-Cincin-
natti Saturday Night
Some people are so engrossed in con
templating what they owe to nature,
that they seem to have entirely forgot
ten that they have accounts anywhere
else.-- YoakerS Statesman.
Jay Gould exhibited S54, ,000,O 600 in
securities at meeting in New York
the other day. Mr.. Jay Gould was
once an editor, but he forsook the pro-
fesSion long ago.-Baltimore Star
In one hand of the corpse the Lap
landers place some money to pay the fee
Of the porter at the gate of Paradise.
They have an idea that the gate is
tended by dead hotel waiter. Phila.
NelCS.
Probably the finest exhibition of hui
man courage that is ever witnessed can
be seen by interviewing the passengers
Of Western railroad train half an hour
after the robbers are gone.-Robert J.
Bomdette.
What this country needs is bed post
with handles or something to catch the
bed by as it goes whirling around late
at night after the youthful pride Of the
family gets home from the club
Bloomington Eye
The new Secretary of the Treasury
has just paid $40 for COW he killed on
the New Jersey marshes while snipe-
hunting. He now knows that COW is
considerably larger than a snipe, and
also has greater spread of horns.-
Detroit Free Press.
She wore the prettiest, frizzled hair
Of yellowish golden sheen,
Her style it was so debonnaire,
And naughty was her mein;
Her actions, grace in every move,
Her walk-ah! heavens gait,
In fact creature made for love-
But alas her shoe was 8
Bradford Times.
C dunno heap bout poultry" said
old Uncle Pete when they were discuss
ing the question of the day, up at the
market, but de sweetest chicken Use
ever eat was drawn. 1t was drawn fro'
de winder OBJ a chicken house in de dark
OBJ de moon. .'-Netgark Call.
There is nothing in this wide world
that makes young man crazier than,
after arriving at party with young
lady, whom he has got there at consid-
cradle expense, to have some old bald
headed individual get her off into a
corner and talk to her all the evening on
the peculiarities Of the Gulf Stream
Puck.
Designing woman" Yes, they
are all designing creatures. They
either have designs Cd you heart OF on
your pocket-book. Thank heaven the
best and truest, and Of course the
purest, have designs only on your af-
fections but that as naturally opens
the pocket-book as an organ grinder
sallies forth in early spring. Yonkers
Gazette.
Poulterer-" Well, Hobson, what
shall it be, fine turkey or a goose ?'
Hobson-"I haven't any choice. It's
six of one and half dozen of the
other" Poulterer-" All right 4 But
what was Hobson's surprise to find six
large turkeys and a half dozen fat
geese on his kitchen table when he got
home at noon. He had to pay pretty
dear for not having any choice Yon-
kers Gazette.
An Irishman, advising friend who
was thinking of cleaning his we'll, re-
marked "Take me advice, Jamie, an
make hole in the bottom whin yez be-
gin. Eff yez let the wather out that
way, ye can pump it droy aisier from
the top, an whativer shpoiled kittens
may be layin' on the floore, will be
shpared the sufferin' Of bein' drowned
agin in bein' pulled up through the
Wather. ''-RODle Sentinel.