davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
An Echo From Duluth.

Pat Donan in the Fargo (Dakota) Argus.
The Chicago Inter- ocean is mIsed into say
ing:
The little children at the Metropolitan Hotel
In Washington have discovered that the Hon.
Proctor Knott is something OF an artist, and 50
no is kept busy betimes In drawing horses and
other animals for them. He Is as good -natured
as he Is learned, witty, aud profound.
II that is the standard Of his good nature, II
must average about like that of a wet hen or a
bear with a sore head, for stupider, duller
ignoramus never made bogus reputation on
two speeches written by other mon. Nobody
who knows Knott ever suspected him OF auy
wit but Obscenity; his learning Is that OF a
kentucky crossroads lawyer, and his only
profundity consists In Bourbon hatred o
everything that sayors of Yankeeism or pro
grees. He Is a fair sample OF the "represen
tatiye COnfederates," who never wore a Con
federate uniform or heard gun fired. He Il
an antiquated, moss-grown fraud, and ftlS
represents a State whose murders and outlaw
ries have long since untitled her for piac'
on the map Of the civilized world,
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
who IL Hr1

Hot springs (Ark.l Scntncl-star.
The following anccdote Is told Of we'll
known and wealthy German, now resident
Of Washington, u. c. tie was recruiting ofii'
Ger during the war, and 10 the would-bc sol
dler about TO enlist For big bounty ana the
glory Of his country would say
"soldier, haf you got watch b"
ayes, sir;" the soldier would reply.
"Vntl " would cxclnim our German friend,
"a soldier nit yatchl Meln Got, vat do you
expect TO do nit n watch Want tho rebels to
stheal It Hero, sergeant, take away the watch
from the man"
Away would 60 the watch Of tho soldier into
the drawer Of the recruiting officer and 10 the
next applicant for glory and bounty our old
friend would say;
"Soldicr, haf you got vatchY'
"No, sir, would answer the soldier.
"Vat?" would astonlshlngly Inquire our
German friend. "a soldier mitout vatch2
How de devil do you know ven to go on dutyy
Here, sergeant, gif dc man n watch ana sharge
lie man twenty-five tollars.
The watch of soldier No. | would be given e.
soldier No. >, from whose bounty there would
lie deducted twenty-five dollars. But the days
of war are over now, and so are the days Of the
usefulness Of our friend. His occupation, like
that OF the dusky Othcllo, is gone.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
{ uiclsOI
Chicago News.


Little Fivo.cent Nichol Is out with letter
in reply to The Commercial AdcertjseF Nichol
would be called "crank' were 1t not nat
ural and historical fact that no fool can bo
crazy. A certain amount of brains Is pre-
requisite to n deranged intellect. But as n
dandy is regarded as one who ''lOes all he
can to show the world he Is not a man." 50
Nichol does all he can to convince the world
he would be n 'crank" If he could He sue
cceds. The worst thing that can be said of
Mr.. Garfield is that he allowed such fellows
about him as Nichol, but 1t may also be
stated that MI. Garfelds genial good nature
permitted him TO be bored by these monenl-
Ties rather than TO snub them. II is, however,
lndicrous to see such persons as Nichol now
making themselves the especial champions OF
the late Presidents memory when 1t needs
none. His place in history is fixed, and the
rawlings OF such idiots as Nichol viii not move It.
AT all events, when he blares Mt the Stalwarts
and says Garfleld's 'bloOd is on the garments
of the whole gang of you, ana you cannot wipe
II off," n kind-hearted people Will recommend
a liverpad or n dose of Mrs. Pinkhams vege-
table compound for his disorder and dismiss
The gubtppt
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
F0R SALE AND RENT
TJ.suIPHEN. II. NJ. ROGERS.
Real Estate and Rental Department,

f STREET, 93S NORTHWEST.
HOUSES AND LOTS FOR SALE
Houses and Rooms, furnished and unfurnished of
every description In all parts of the city, for rent
real. ESTATE OUR SPECIALITY.
FOR SALE
HOUSES WITH MODERN IMPROVEMENT
No. l61l 18th 81. n. W. l0room House.
NO. lGi6 18th ST. n. W., 10iruom House.
No. 1918 18th st. N. W., llroom House. corner Cor
coran street.
s.room House on 7 street, 5000.
groom House on + street, f2,7J0.
New House and 1900 feet for sale for $500.
Nos ll03 l105, 1iO7 i109 I'LL and iil3 ST. uw. nice
Groom Houses. and at a bargain,
A nice Groom. two-story House, modern improve
mcnts, st.. bet nth ana l2th pressed brick
front, nice parking &C. $1,000
Six Beautiful Lots on NJ street, west OF CONNECT
icut avenue. u feet each, at 6l cents.
Three Building Lots near 10th and T sts H. W., At
IS cents 10xSi.
Also ten Beautfnl BUILDING Lots in Georgetown,
overlooking Washington city, on p street.
Nice Broom Brick House. ON 9Th st., bet. D anu L,
Nice s-story Brick House, rooms, modern i'm
nroVompnts, with 2-stOry brick Stable, No.
100 Nth ST. $. e., pEice $500.
12l i2th So W. House and Lot, 29s by 100 feet at
Very fne Farm, about : miles from city, under
good cultivation.
a lso other farms and lands.
WANTED
Houses, Lots and Farms to sell.
Also Houses and Rooms to Rent.
FOR RENT
FURNISHED AND UNFINISHED ROOMS
Elegant Double parloTs, near Capitol.
211S st. n. W. nice rooms.
s23 9th ST. n. We nice rooms.
'-' a'' "' vs. "'0' SUTPHEN & ROGERS.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

lhANhhAhH Ah'AA 'Nh F'Nt1''''N''
a---
TuE protest printed in THE Critic yes
tcrday, purporting to be signed by mer-
chants of New York, Philadelphia aud Bal.
timorc, and asking for the repeal of the
license ON drummers, is strange compound
Of lalsohood and misrepresentation. THE
CRITIC is the only paper that has given the
people of the District the opportunity to
see how they are being maligned in the
secret recesses of Congressional commit.
tee ROOM Those who have not, should at
once read this protest to which we allude,
and take immediate steps to show the
falsity of its allegations.
There are twelve distinct statements in
the protest. The first is that the signers.
are citizens of the United States and the
second that they are merchants in the cities
of fNew York, Philadelphia and Baltimore.
These statements mag he true. The third
claims business relations with merchants
here. That is doubtful. The fourth al
ieges the existence of the license tax. True.
The fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth,
ninth and tenth allegations are
unqualifedly false. The eleventh asks
for rcpeal Of the tax and the twelfth is
true, except for the misspclling Of one
word. 1t says And your petitioners
will ever pray" That last word should
he written prey, and it would be as true as
the gospels.
The business men of the District are not
the only ones interested in this matter. 1t
is of Importance TO every citizen. If these
birds of prey are permitted to do business
without paying any tax, it will not be long
before they can drive out the legitimate
dealers-the merchants who live here and
| give employment directly to hundreds and
| indirectly TO thousands who are not mer-
| chants. Then the birds of prey and pass
age can ill their voracious maws with fat
| pickings from the pockets of rich and
| poor.
Every citizen should unite to protest
| against this protest.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

The DEMOCRATS are having their usual
fun in the makeup Of what is known as
their Congressional Committee" They
They have two candidates for chairman,
one distinguished Union General and the
other a-a-a-oh, well. bar'l, for short.
These two things have worried the Demo-
Gratis for years. They always want dis
tinguished Union General for moral effect,
and man with barl for physical effect,
SO to speak. Sometimes they succeed in
combining the two. notably in the last
Presidential campaign. That campaign is
over now, but we still hear an occasional
remark about the peculiar behavior of the
man who was selected because he was lp-
posed to own bar1.
Some people, after two such consecutive
experiences as the Democrats have had
with the bar'l business would move away
and set up business at a new stand But
not the Democrats. Their motto seems
to be:
II at first you don't succeed,
Try, try again.
We Judge from the unctuous self satisfac.
tion Of our esteemed contemporary, the
Post, this morning, that the right kind OF
a man with the proper kind Of a bar'l has
been found at last. To be sure, nobody
ever heard of the man until last fall, and
since his discovery Fame has found no
niche for him in her temple more imposing
than a chair at a dinner table. But
probably the Democrats view a man whO
gives dinners as Dick swiyeller is said "a
have contemplated his umbrella II is moi
much, but it is at least some thing.
We presume, however, that our friends
have struck the right track at last. Oul
esteemed contemporary, the Post, may be
fallible in many things; but it can't be
fooled in bar'l. Thus, when the Pos
vouches for the gorgeous young statesman
of Fifth avenue as being the proper kint
Of sunfower for chairman of Demo
cratic committee il must be considered a
the judgment Of al expert. Our advice Il
our Democratic friends is to adopt the sug
gestion of the Post and elect their nev
bar'l-with young man attached-to tn
chair Of their Congressional committee
But, in view Of their past experience, vi
modestly suggest that 1t would be wise t
create new position on the committee, /
be officially Known as Superintendent Q
the Bunghole,p and TO this responsible pc
sition let our esteemed friend Hutch b
elected BY acclamatien With plenary powel
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
A Suggestion as to Mason's Family.

TO he Editor QJ Ne Etonin0 CIflc:
While opinions may differ as to the liability
OF Sergt. Mason for his well-dirccted shot at
the cell-window of the assassin OF President
Garfield, we should not forget the fact that the
sentence OF the court-martial places him be-
yond rendering any assistance TO his wife and
child for eight years, and suggest TO you the
propriety OF an appeal for substantial aid to
Mrs. Mason, so that she Will be above want
while her husband Is in prison. All can sub
scribe TO such n fund, even the members Of
the court that convicted him. The fact of his
having violated an arti Gle of war in trying 10
kill worthless cur, and save the country the
expense of a trial, should not debar his wife
and child from the sympathy and support OF
all who are able and willing 10 give. VIII THE
CRITIC help In such a cause II you approve
this course let us have the name OF good
man to receive subscriptions, so that Mason's
family Will not be cleft TO the charity of q
needless world" G. i. j., AN EX-SoLDIER.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

WHAT does It mean? The Washington CRITIC
says: "1f samuel ]. Tllden should die sud.
denly the last faint hopo OF the divided and
distracted Republican party would expire
Is THE CRITIC looking TO our Uncle Sammy TO
lead the Democratic hosts TO victory In 1851?
- GQirtstOu J0lHUdi
Not much. "Our Uncle Sammy" could
only lead the Democratic hosts to defeat
and humiliation. He is used to it and
seems to take pleasure in it.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

THE accumulated profits of the Phila-
delphia Gas Works, rhich beloRgto The city,
were, in 1850, three millions three hundred
and thirty.one thousand dollars. Since
that time an investigation has shown that
millions of dollars were stolen by employees,
and yet gas is served cheaper to the citizens
of Philadelphia than it is to those of Wash
inpton
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

WHATEVER force is required in the PEN
sion.otiiee to complete rapidly the work be-
fore it, and to examine thoroughly into the
facts of every case, should at once be given
by Congress. Pensions are not a gratuity,
as some seem to think, given as charity;
they are debt due-a debt more sacred
than the one represented by the bonds of
the United States-and the debt should be
adjusted and paid.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

If THE bill Mr.. Garland reported yes
terday becomes law, majority of the
Supreme Court will hereafter constitute u
quorum, and Justice who has presided at
the trial of a case in a Circuit Court cannot
sit in review of his former decision. Re-
quiring Justices of the Supreme Court to
travel circuits is an outrage that should be
done AWAY
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
-~77---777777777-s-
T.. John Ellis Letter.

\. q. TlCNNunc.
The Southwestern Presbyterian gives the fol
lowing neat notice of Hon. L. John Ellis re-
about as tired Of the ring as they were of old
carpet-bag rulers, and there is not much
chance of its success among the people in the
future. Says our contemporary
''The letter of L. J. Ellis, which appears in
another column, is not written In the dulcet
strain in which politicians usually indite
their epistles. There is flavor of old Roman
virtue In 1t, which must be very disagreeable
10 rings OF all sorts. Those who differ with
Mr. Ellis must yet admire his courage.
Most people Will admire his courage and In
dorse his opinions"
Stout Men In Ecstacy
over Hahp's 81 hand-sewed, solid-comfort
shoes. S16 Seventh street.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
Grant, GarGeId and Custer.
Montgomery tAIa.) Mail.

Gen. Grants pension VIII be S13,500 poI
annum, Mrs. Garheld's Is 5000 ana Mrs.
Clusters is $500. These figures are eloquent
with meaning. Gen. Cunter died in the brayest
battle ever fought on American soil. No con
test since Thefmopyl6e is equal % H. Mrs,
Custer, clad IN her Widows weeds, Is left 10
memory for her consolation. Between Grant
and Garfield and Custer, our instinct OF ad-
miration for manliness and manly deeds give
the first place 10 the martyred Custer. The
ono bright spot made In our annals by his
heroic death Is worth all the mixed records OF
the two pampered Presidents.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

PUT the Potomac flats under water or
above water is what we all want you to
do, Nessieurs the Legislature of the District
Of Columbia, before you adjourn to your
rurnl homes
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
written Between whisky sours.

Louisville sunday Argus.
Speaker Keifer is in fix. He is between
the deyil and the deep sea. On one hand Il
Grant and his retirement, ana on the other
Gen. Sherman, who doesn't admire Grant
What bothers Keifer is how TO get Grant his
place without offending sherman, and 10 fiS
things all round 30 as to please Messrs Logan
Sherman, Foster, Cameron 4 Co. Mr.. Keller
IL paying a bigger price for the SpeakershiI
than the face Of his contract shows, and he
knows II, but can't help II.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

A WOMAN in st. Louis has just finished
n Go0mile bicycle ride in six days. I'm
fortunately for the good name of her sex
the last half mile of the ride was not from
the central pier Of the great bridge, south
ward.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

A MAN with two or more wives cannot
hereafter be a Delegate in Congress- If he
contents himself with one or no wife, the
number Of mistresses is unlimited.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

PETITIONS have been presented to the
Commissioners asking for the extension of
Vermont avenue northeastward to its point
of intersection with the Seventh street
road. This extension would make new
thoroughfare direct 'front.' the White House
to the Soldiers Home, and if the cut be-
yond the Boundary were properly gsaded
would form the most attractive drive in
the city. 1t would, of course, Immediately
supersede the Fourteenth-street road as a
thoroughfare to the Home, not only on ac-
count of the pleasanter drive, but because
there would be no car-tracks to break up
the roadway. We hope the Commissioners
will give these petitions Immediate atten-
tion.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

THE Republicans of the House show a
proper anxiety to amend the Sam Randall
rules which were made expressly to show
show not to do it," Under the rules pre-
pared by the astute Samuel, a few of his
henchmen could prevent any legisla tion,
and that was the whole policy of the astute
Samuel. 1t resulted in six years in turn
ing Democratic majority of seventy five
in the House into a minority, and the Re-
publicans, fearing similar result to them
selves, want to change the rules SO that
they can legislate. The CRITIC hopes
they will succeed. A few mistakes would
be better than the do-nothing policy of the
Democrats.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

WAS the opposition yesterday made to
the anti. Polygamy bill, because its provis-
ions extend to the District of Columbia
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
The PIumsa Knight in Texas.

galveston tlex0 journal.
Senator Voorhees, has a high personal re.
gard for Mr.. Blaine, but he doesn't think the
plumed Knight VIII ever be President.
Stranger things have happened, Mr.. Voorhees,.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
FREE ADVERTISING,

Advertisements under The head of"situations
Wanied" and "Bcip Wanted !" wiu hereafter
be inserted in THE EVENING CRITIC three
times FREE. We inUitc our friends wishino
situations or help to drdu themselves Of this
offer. Ansrers directed ia care Of CRITIC
Office 'cu receive careful attention. Business
advertisements three lines three times for 25 cts.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
FOR SdLE-Lots.


U,,oR sALIs-CHEAP-A FINELY LOCATED
II building lot on Capitol I'm, four squares
from the Capitol. between two lines of cars. APP
ply to J. S. Swormstedt, 02S + street northwest.
mr7-GtE
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
FOR SELE-HouSeS.

VvOR SALEM ROCKVILLE, MD. A DE
II sirable, well located two-story building for
business purposts. Apply TO J. w. Warner. IS,
La. ave. mrl03ts
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
FOR RERT-Farms.

VIoR RENT-TwO PLACES OF SEVENTEEN
II acres each, at Falls Church, Va; one house
and one 10 rs; barns, good water choice fruit,
fine grove and slightly Apply TO ii. l.. sherwood,
HOG n, ave. mr7-l2tN
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

We submit that the Democratic party has
had quite enough of men with barls super
intending their own bungholes.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
BOARDING.

Fr,ABLE BOARD AND MEALS FURNlsHkD
a dao X Street northwest mr7-3t~
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

LOANS
In sums to suit at per cent.
AT AUCTION.
On Friday, March IL at p. M, lot 2, in square
$50.
On Monday, March 20, at oclock, p; M, two
story frame house st, bet. 4th and 5th ST. N. w.
The above is only a small portion OF property on
my books. For full list call at Office for bulletin
issued on LIST and 18th. mr15
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

nANFoRTH HAS MADE THOUSANDS
- of Homes pleasant with his Lighta and stove.
his goods, LIGHTING and COOKING. No
chimney, wick kindling, ashes, nor waste. Light.
capital Invested IN GOODS, which will sell from 80
10 800 per cent. profit. ACTUAL NECESSITIES.
Inventors perfected. Patents issued. Expert:
ments finished. Manufacturing commenced and
ity and advice to aid everyone who helps himself
close prices for cash; give control OF town, and
feel hat have direct hterest in every agency.
cay. Noshrfnkage. Energetically pushed sue
cess sure, Gold dollars 90 not walk Into ones
ness does not show success, don't invest
Mr.. Danforth is at bis desk from 10 to3 ?; nj
menis backed by sales, and good Will OF all who
purchase. can use 100 good men, who have
frOm 32lOtO e. 600 In cash 10 INVEST IN GOODS, 70
take charge of Branch Agencies In different
States. Come and see me, or send for circulars.
DANFORTH. 9il ID 81. N. W., Daily Post Bailding,
Washington. ID. q. 1zj
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
ZOE RENT-HoNses.

Advertisements of Three lines under this head
Inserted times for % cents.
VNOR SAIIs-A GREAT BARGAIN TO AN
II immediate purchaser, nice Ave room frame
house, near X 81. Market; owner going West,
Danenhower a son, l2l2 F ST. mrltf
V.IOR SALE ANOTHER SACRIFICE A
Printing office; less than s3,0a) cash Will huy
1t; rents for 500 per year; owner going west. Dan
enhowor a. Son, 1871 + ST. mri4tf
VTOR SALE A FRAME HOUSE, CONTAIN
II ing 8 rs; Within so feet of Iowa ulrcle 'front.'
ing on iath 81. Inquire at No. 1880 18th 1t. n W.
mrl3-3tS
IGOR RENT-ON CORNER THIRD AND q
IL SITS. n. W., store and dwelling with stable.
Apply nj 507 g st. or to Chas. W. Handy, 0ll
street. mrlOIt
F0R RENT-Rooms.
vNoR RFNT-FuRNTSHED OR uNFuR.
IL nished-2nd and Sd floors; modern improve
ments; So sS So Sl2 so, $50, i22 Sd ST. n. W. to
1oa. m. and to iOp. M mri9.St
TNoR RENT CHEAP FURNISHED AND
II unfurnishcd rooms; also, some suited for
light housekeeping, at No. % st. n. e. mrls-St+
T7oR RENT-FouR uNFURNIsTIED ROOMS
IL and parlor; suitable for housekeeping near
three lines of cars; good table board; SIS per
month. D26 sth ST.. bet. and X. n. w. mrl3 SF
IyOR RENT-BY THE FIRST OF APRIL,
II nicely furnished parlor and bedroom on
first floor; quiet and central locality gentlemen
preferred; terms low to suitable parties. Apply
ON premises, a37 9Th st. n. W. mrll-S~
E'oR RENT-FURNTSHED PARLoRS AND
II chambers; south front. 12S G st. n. e.;
ItltlelCc IeVulItO.
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
BUSINESS CHANCES.
FOR EXCHANGE.

VXJILL EXCHANGE A VALUABLE BUILD
w Ing lot in good business locality, for horse.
wagon, harness, stock and farming Implements.
Apply 22S East Capitol st. mrs3t$
VXJANTED-Te exchange new stoves for old
w ones at Buffers Stove Exchange, cor. 9th
and X. Smokey chimneys cured or no pay Stoves
exchanged for groceries. Old stoves bought fe27
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15
LOST AND FOUND.

L,OUND- MARCH II, TWO TICKETS FOR A
Il concert at Wesley Zion Church; owner may
receive them by calling al the Critic office. mrs
r OsT-ON THE EVENING OF THE sTH
IL inst.. at Union Veteran Fair, or on way to
cor. I'd and sts. n. W., Cross Of Light Cat Eye
Stones set III silver. Finder will kindly leave at
12l T. st. n. W., and receive reward. mrD
The Evening critic., 1882-03-15

WV ANTED-BY A GOOD SEANISTRESS,
w sewing in families or with dressmakers, by
the day or week, or lady's maid. Address NJ y.
1896 NJ ST. n. w. mrlt
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1882-12-18
.HES J q

GOX.-1n this city, on the 10Th inst, Dr.
Thomas B. Cox, III the 2!!h year OF his ace.
The relatives and friends Of the family arc
respectfully invited TO attend the funeral
from HIS fathers residence, No. :;3 East Ger
man street. on Tomorrow tTucsday) after
noon at TX O'Clock. 1t
SLAYMAK ER.-On the morning OF the 18th
inst, at his late residence, near EciOit. Wis
cons:n, Samuel Il. sIa! maker, i'll the 52l year
of his age.
The relatives ami friends of the family are
respectfully inviteil to attend he funeral from
the residence Of his brother. Henry h. Slay-
maker, corner OF Duke and Ches nut streets,
Lancaster, Pa, on Tuesday next the 19tll inst .
at 10 o'clock, 3. M Interm2nt ut Woodward
Hill cemetery. DIG cd
RElsT. In this city on December Il, 1882 O.
congestion OF the lungs, Abraham II. Kcist,
in tie 57th year t his age.
His relatives and friends are resp ctfully
invited to attend the funeral from his late
residence, No ii9 South Qucen street on Wed.
mes: lay morning lit II O'Clock. !ntrrncnt ut
Lancaster cemetery. d.s.,t
DAIsz-In thi- city. on DECEMBER 1t :, 1882.
Franci, N. Daisz, in the 2sth year cf Ii $ age.
His relatives and friends. also Lodge No IS.
K.c.P.. end Uniform Rank No 7, ar. respect
Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1882-12-18

In the siege Of Troy. Apollo encouraged the
Trojans to ne valiant against the Greeks, by
saying: TIE mighty Achilles does not fight
tO-Cly." 1t would Sc. m as If Death had been
bidding disease to make its greatest inrOads
upon men. by saying Z" Hunts Remedy Is out
OF the market Int the TrOians found tn
tSGlr cost, that the mighty Achilles came to
made short work OF the battle. And Hunts
Remedy. Is an Achilles against kidney and
liver diseases, has taken the field, and Is max.
ing short work OF All such ailments. Hundreds
OF testimonials from all quarters are coming
In rs to the might of this champion medicine.
Not surcr wnS the sword OF Achilles than IL
this powerful, Yet peaceful. remedy In battle
form, as it was. wac against drOpsy, urinary
and kidney complaints, ana OvcrcOmcs. 1t Is
wise to call in its ai,i. ,le-IwtleOdNw