Democratic Northwest. [volume] (Napoleon, Ohio) 1869-1894, 1882-11-16
WIT AND HUMOR.

He who says all he likes will often
hear what he does not like.
When bald-headed man buys a
dnster, mohair would be most appropri-
ate.
"My dear boy" wrote an Irishman
to his son, '.never put off till to-mor-
row what you have done to-day"
'Tm going through the dark valet"
said the highwayman, as he robbed the
colored coachman.
The coat tail Irritation is the latest
A wrinkled coat tail bearing dusty toe
marks means II have spoken to your
father.
Force of habit is wonderful! A Natick
man named Tucker christened his son
Daniel, and everybody makes it point
to tell the boy to get out of the way.
cit is not necessary for man to be
poor to be honest" Certainly not. But
iTseems sort O. half way necessary for
man to be poor if he is honest. -
Quiz.
The Bridgeton (Me.) NeDs calmly
says: 1.-The types last week made us say
that The showers were not sufficient to
meet the wants of milkmen,' ETC., in
stead of 'millmen.'
The farmers have made such a profit
on sunfowers this season that they are
praying that England will send over
/ man of the Oscar Wilde stripe to make
NAulleins and burdocks fashionable for
button-hole bouquets.
..Does our talk disturb you?" said one
of company of talkative ladies to an
old gentleman sitting in railroad sta
ton the other afternoon. mo, ma am"
was the naive reply, 1--we been married
nigh on to forty years"
.Allow me to be your beau," said
gentleman, placing his umbrella in a
shower. ''Thank you. I've plenty of
fair weather beaux; so suppose must
call you my rain-beau," she replied
archly.
An old citizen, returning to his home
from banquet, meets another old citi-
zen coming from the opposite direction.
.Ish thish the avenuep'' asked No. /.
s.How should I know? / wash at the
banquet myself"
German workman-''Yaas, it it drue
some of mein countrymen drink moch
bier, but it is not strong and does not
make dem dronk." British workman
'sNop Then what the dooce is the use
O them-a-drinkin' Of itP'
stYou made fool of me,'' said an ir-
ate man. to his wife. my love-" she
sweetly responded, ''you do yourself in
Justice. Call yourself fool if you wish,
but remember you are in all respects a
self-made man."
ssYou are now one" said the minister
to the happy pair he had just tied to-
gether with knot they never could un-
do. (Which onep" asked the BRIDE
ssYou will have to settle that for your
selves" said the clergyman.
An old miser, who was notorious for
self-denial, was one day asked why he
was so thin. IT do not know" said the
miser. Il have tried various means for
getting fatter, but without SUGGEST
SHave you tried victualsp' inquired q
friend.
s.Its my last resort, my last resort"
murmured dejected-looking individual
IS be braced himself against lamp
post last night. "What is thatp" in
uuired a sympathetic bystander -
Home was the mournful reply, "home,
sweet home"
A Vermonter has invented water
telescope with which he claims he can
see fiye-cent piece in forty feet OF the
water. But the blasted telescope does
MT bring coin up; SO seeing it is only
an aggravation, and we don't want any
such instrument. Boston Post.
sssThe white wonder Of her arms is too
divinely perfect for anything of mere
flesh and blood, and that she is but the
be&tific phantom Of some delicious
dream chiselled into glorious trangibil-
ity bysome old master cunning hand"
The above was written by a Boston
yopth about Adelaide Detchon, the act
ress. His mother has been sent for and
at last accounts he was improving.