The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1882-12-03
WIT AND WISDOM.

boy, Selekt your buzZem friend with
crate caushun; once selekted, in
dorse him with your bottom dollar"
"Pa, what is an employment
agent" "Why, my son, he is q man
who is very anxious to get work for
others to do. He himself doesn't
want any,"
"That man is so good-natured that
he would hold an umbrella over a
duck in a shower of rain," observed
Jerrold once of brother drama
fist.
A fashionable lady, in boasting of
her new "palatiai residence" said
the windows were all of stained
glass. "That's too badp' said her
mother; "but won't soap and tur-
pentine take the stains out?"
One of the greatest advantages
that the Masonic Order offers to
everyone who becomes a mem
Der, is that he stands a chance Of be-
coming the Oldest Mason ii he lives
long enough.-Loa0eU CoarGer.
When Fogg heard cigars were
largely made by machinery, he said
he had noticed stationary Indian
in front of nearly all the cigar
shops.-Bostoqa transcript.
Some folks don't know how to be
happy. They can't see the differ
enee between having a spoonful of
vinegar in the molasses of life and
a spoonful OF molasses in the vine
gar of life.
The time between shiyering for
| the want of an owercoat and the
date when one can be worn without
attracting a crowd has passed along,
and mankind are now happy.-De-
troit Free Press.
Inquisitiyeness rebuked: Mis-
tress Ito applicant for cooks posi-
tom .-"Why did you leave your
last place." "You're very inquisi-
tive, marin. 1 didn't AK yer what
I fer yer cook left you"
Why is it that a little country like
France is in proportion to resources
so much richer than American
I Exchange. Guess it must be be-
, cause Frenchmen sell American
women bonnets.-Brooklylo Eagle.
: "Where do all the Boston and
: Harvard boys go?" was a question
\ asked the other day. "Out west to
raise cattle SO that the country boys
may have a chance to come to
I. town." was the reply.-Boston
r Courier.
A Michigan paper says: "Bears
are going to be thicker than grass
hoppeTs IN the woods of Michigan
this winter" Dare say. Bears are
generally considerably thicker than
r grasshoppers; in fact, bigger in
; every way.-Boston Post.
An Iowa farmer bet a new hat
: that he could cross the railroad
track with his team before the train
came up. He was asked if he didn't
consider it g foolish bet. No.
said be. IF I WIN, I'm in a hat; if
' 1 lose, [ shan't want it..
De shanghigh chicken minds me
Z oh certain men dat Use seed. He
crows mighty loud, an brags aroun'
'mong de hens an young chickens
but when a game rooster comes
aroun', he's got business on de oder
=. side OBJ de fence.-ArkG7aSG00 TrG0
eler.
Signs do not fail when the man
who reads them is wise. When we
saw cat watching a hole through
which a rat had Ibeat retreat, we
said to ourselves: There will be
anaearly spring" And we were right
' for the raj ventured too far, and The
!. cat held him fast.
1t is customary among the Piute;
: when a chief. dies to Kill the medi
] cine man who attended him. This
, seems to be.a simple and expedition;
way Of preventing medicine mar
} from presenting the Piute Congress
with a bill fer So, 000.-Philadelphis
NelOS.
R One of our exchanges contained
an elaborate editorial entitled 1.-THE
Bright Side of Journalism" The
: editor, it is presumed, had inst re
ceived fifty bottles Of Liver Puri
fer" i'll pay for column advertise
: ment one year and fifty-tWo reading
I NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Herald.
A young lady wrote to the Phila-
J delphia Ne10S, inquiring: "How car
| avoid beng addressed if | walk
0 out at night without protector q
The experienced editor of that paper
: tartly replied: "Wear an old shaw
. and carry a clothes basket"
Traveller" You ask what is the
best seat in case of a railroad acci
|, dent? We do not feel able to an.
swer with confidence, but would
suggest, from our experience OF
railroad accidents, that the safest
seat would be in a residence about
/; three miles from the scene of the
J disaster.-LOlCeH Citizen.
, A Johnst0Wn man lost his pocket
t book, containing $1,000, and re.
warded the honest finders with the
, munifeent sum of 81. The finders
feel very grateful oyer the tact
. that they were not charged inter
est Oh the money while the pocket
book was in their possession.-PhiI-
, Gdelphja Nea0S.
Scene on railroad platform at
Heidelberg. Traveller to university
student-"Su, you are crowding
keep back, sir" U. S., ferceIy0
Don't you like it? Allow me to
tell you that [ am at your service
at any time and place. Traveller,