The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-09-28
WIT AND HUMOR.


man Is, let him tell it himself.
Before an apple becomes cider it
must go the rounds of the press.
1t must be greasy work. this getting
mp corner in pork.
Latin is dead language, and that is
why doctors use it in writing out their
prescriptions.
Scum invariably rises. Remember,
young man, there is always room at the
top.
Take one quart of dried apples and
gallon of warm water If you want to be
swell young man.
An undertaken may know nothing Of
the science Of pugilism, but he can lay
out fellow beautifully.
Old Orchard beach, we learn, has
$4,000 heireSs. Great snakes! And
our vacation is over.
'.Our rooms are small" said she,
''but 1 live in my husband" 'Yes,"
said her friend, II see you live in
dat'
Hotel-keepers complain this year of
the people who register with a great
spread and then go off to a cheap board
ing house.
A Jersey milkman turned pale when
several of his customers dubbed tOgeth-
er and made him present of scarf
pin in the shape of pump.
The sting of bee is only one-thirty-
second of an inch long. 1t is only your
imagination that makes it seem as long
as hoe-handle.
A church in Mexico was shattered
by an earthquake, and it is said the
congregation we're greatly stirred up
about It.
There is farmer in Ohio who has
not sheared his sheep in five years, be-
cause, as he claims, Providence intend
cd the sheep 10 wear their wool.
Peanuts are now sold minus the shells.
This is really too bad. The girls can
no more be cracking the toothsome nut
to plague the minister and then throw
the shells at the boys across the aisles.
The only conference which the Sui
tan never delays nor begs for more
time on is when he meets the female
selected for his last wife. He was new
er known to postpone marriage.
They were popping corn in the kitch-
en-, and popping corn is very pretty
work. ''Do look" said Jessie, ''they
go in naked babies, and they come out
snow-white angels and fairies.''
The power of the human eye can on
ly be fully appreciated when we'll
regulated wink will change a bottle of
tonic beer into bottle of lager in spite
of the label.
I When you read of the shady groves
and sylvan dells and hidden waterfalls
and d'cool forests don't get anxious. Let
dozen mosquitoes hop on to you and
you'll feel as if you were there.
Jim, does you know de kind OBJ
j'ligion / professP' ''Why, de Mefo-
dist. doesn't ye, SamP' ''No, sab; no
Mefodist for dis chile; Use gwine to git
some O. dat 'ligion dey has in Egypt
dat Mo -ham-edan, Sam"
A police court reporter describes a
bruise on a negro's head as being
'black as the condor wing of mid
night" 1t will thus be seen that all the
able writers are not exclusively engaged
on musical criticisms.
! The other day mother was repeat
ing to her little son the story of Jesus
walking on the water, and after con-
cluding, the precocious lad thought
awhile and then exclaimed, "Barnum
ought to have that man"
Young man: '''Aim high" says En-
erson. "Aim low," says Gen. Jackson.
Which Is rightP Depends on whether
you're aiming. at the moon or at mel,
on thief crawling off on his hands and
knees.
''How are the supplies, Dinah?" ask
ed gentleman of his colored cook, Just
before starting down town. "Well,
sah," responded the sable mistress of
the kitchen. II tink dah is combusti-
bles enough to last till tomorrow"
A philosopher says: There is
period in the life of every man when he
would like to get away from himself"
Ahp yes, professor, we've been there.
1t was just about green apple time, and
we were on the outside of one of them.
A crusty old fellow once asked. "what
is the reason that grif1ins, dragons and
devils are the ladies favorite subjects
for embroidery designsP" 'tAh, because
they are continually thinking of their
husbands" was the lady's quick retort.
He had owned setter dog, and this
was the story he told: ''Yes, sir; the
way that dog was devoted to me ws
just amazing. Why, he heard me say
to my wife that / was pressed for mon
ey, and he went and died the day be-
fore the dog-tax was assessed"
Thousands of maidens now practic-
ing and acquiring the broom drill will
make troublesome wives for the cigar
ette-smoking young men in skin-tight
pants. Fancy one of those well-drillcd
oh -. l. 4
the head of disobedient husband.
The Southern young man has fire.
quently and unjustly been criticised for
not having the gumption of his forefa-
theirs. But there is an Augusta youth
who, having but twenty-five cents left
after purchasing ball tickets, took his
lady love TO an ice cream saloon and
said to the waiter, Zone plate; I've had
mine.''
Oscar Wilde says he shall write SON
nets to Mrs. Laugtry when she is 50.
At first blush this seems too awful to
contemplate; but if he will only wait
until she is 95, we are not going to get
into a state of mind about it, and neth-
er will Mrs. Langtry lose much sleep
because of this procrastinating threat
Fogg has got an idea Mt last, and he
says there's millions in it, as it meets a
long-felt want. 1t is nothing less than
a revolving house, which is to turn up
on pivot, so that the best rooms shall
always face the sun in winter and be in
the shade in summer. Fogg has q great
head.
Tailor's Collector: "Well, Mr.. Jig
gers, I've brought you this little bill
again" Jiggers: "Why, of course;
I'm sorry, though, for I've only just ex-
pressed the last dollar had to the pat
riot Egyptians. Terrible war over there,
you know. just explain to your en-
ployer, please"
They sat together on the beach. she
with her red sunshade, and he with his
crooked stick. Cotton is up" he said,
referring to the material of her brilliant
canopy. so Pve red," she replied.
Then she threw handful of sand in his
hair, and there was no end of fashiona-
BILE fun.
Two dressy widows past middle age
chanced to confront weeds in the aisle