Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1882-10-03
FOUND.
A SUBSTITUTE FOR THE SPIRAL SHIRT
STUD.
A WANT LoNo AND PAINFULLY FELT.
burlington Hawkeye.I

burlington Hawkeye.
We see that there is new shirt stud in
vented, which goes through the gimle'
hole in a shirt bosom in sections, and
snaps together, leaving the under side
smooth, so that there is no raw selvage
to stick into a mans vital parts, the way
there is in the old spiral stud, and We
look forward to the happy future when
we can buy set of the new studs and
give the old spiral studs to the poor, who
have no feelings to be lacerated. We
have thought for years that the govern
ment ought to call in the old spiral shirt
studs and issue a new kind, with coupons
that will 60 together with snap; but
nobody has seemed to think the govern
ment ought to take the responsibility.
The man who has invented the new stud
should be placed on the pension roll with
the man who invented the telegraph and
the India rubber baby clothes.
For hundred years the spiral shirt
stud that screws in has held the stomach Of
a man in its grasp, and has made sore
spots on him, when all should be sun
shine and so forth. 1t is said that wo-
men share our joys and our sorrows.
That may be so to q certain extent, and
they may suffer some, but they don't
know anything about the horrors Of the
spiral shirt stud. Many men 60
down to their graves and never complain,
who have had their lives made miserable
by spiral shirt studs. No man can be
cheerful, full Of fun and frivolty, and
keep a company in roar Of laughter,
when he is constantly reminded that
three golden cork.screws are gently but
firmly entering his body from three diff
ferent places, that three different shows
are getting in their work under one can
vass at one price Of admission. 1t is
asking too much to expect man to be
entertaining when three artesian wells
are being sunk in his person at once.
Women do not mean to be cruel, and
to cause unnecessary pains to man, but
il they knew how they serd the culver.
ing arrows to his very soul, in three
places, they would be careful how they
throw their heads on mems shirt blossoms,
and root around to find an easy place to
rest. No doubt many Of our lady read
ers have noticed that men shrink from
them when they lay their little darling
heads on his breast, and have thought
the man was shocked at their actions.
1t is not that. 1t is the spiral shirt stud.
Of course a man will stand good deal,
and not complain, under such circum-
stances, but if the woman in the case,
or on the shirt. bosom rather, will look
up into his fond eyes she will find there,
beside look of satisfaction and don't
get-up- on my account expression, far
away, penetrating look, as though his
soul was on fire, or he had been eating
cuccumbers. Women can have no
idea of the sacrifice man makes, in such
cases. and they should not be surprised
if he faints away. Other things in the
world may cease, but the boring of the
spiral stud never ceases. We have
known a preacher to get a vacation OF
six months, with trip abroad, because
he looked sick. when all in the world
.ha. allied him was the spiral shirt
boring into him, though in this instance
there was no female head acting as a
screw driver to drive them in. He would
preach sermon on faith, and look sick,
as the studs went into him, and the con-
gregation would pity him, think it was
his liver, aud raise money enough to
send him all over the world. Oh, the
spiral stud has done much to demoralize
the world, and it should be suppressed.