The weekly democratic statesman. [volume] (Austin, Tex.) 1871-1883, 1882-10-19
SATURDAY SMILES.

Pension item: A federal soldier
bas applied for pension at Wash
ington for broken leg, got in jump
ing the bounty.
Astronomical No new comet is
genuine unless il has DIR. Blanks
Liver Pills printed on the tail.-Ne,o
Orleans Picdyune.
Adolphus wants to know if it is
any worse for man to part his hair
in the middle than to part his NOUS
tache under the scenter. Who nose9
A family consisting of man and
his wife and three daughters, all OF
whom suffered from obliquity of vi
sion, are popularity known as the
"squintet."
A man who wants his wife to love
and respect him will never make the
mistake of putting his feet INTO her
slippers. Years of devotion will not
wipe out the insult.
at yer want to make a 'oman
mad au' appear pleased, tell her OBJ a
fault; but et yer wanter make her
pleased an appear mad, tell her dat
she's good Observation-Disclosures
Traveller.
The London World has statistics
TO prove that lawyers have less sick
ness as class than physicians, but
as an offset physicians eau get their
medicines for about fifty per cent
ofi.-Free Press.
Observing the Sabbath: ado the
subjects OF the king OF DAhomey
keep the-SabbathP was asked of a
missionary. EYES," he replied, "and
everything else they can lay their
hands on."-AnOR.
she went into shop to buy some
toilet soap, and while the shopman
was expatIating on its merits, about
made up ner mind to purchase, but
when he said il would keep of chaps
she said she didn't want that kind
Didn't you thing the close of the
sermon was tine?" asked Dorothea
of Angelina. well, really, now"
replied Angelina, al was so taken
with the clothes of Kate LorimeI
that | didn' notice the close of the
sermon at all"
A young man in train was max
Ing iun OF u lady's hat 10 an elderly
gentleman i'll the seat with him
Y es," said his seat mate, "thats my
vie, and told her it she wore that
bonnet that some fool would make
fun OF it."-AnoR.
"Uncle john" said little Emily
: ado you know that a baby that was
fed on elephants milk gained twenty
pounds in one weekp Nonsense
Impossible p exclaimed Uncle Ohm
ana then asked: "Whose baby was
itp "Ihe elephants" said the little
girl.
Victor Hugo is said to be troubled
with poor sight. Ii is also said that
he kissed the party OF female dry
goods clerks from Boston who re-
Gently visited him; aud it may be
that the hinge on one of the eye
glasses gOuged him in the optic and
impaired his vision.
Told by the Newport NetoS: He
came home the other night iii the
drizzling rain, soaked ins de as well
as out. "What excuse have you to
OFFER" said his better-half, "tor com.
ing home in such berry condition.
"None, my DEAR" was his answer,
"cept twas very muddy day"
The gentleman stepped OH the coal
dealers platform scales and asked TO
be weighed. The dealer said :
"Why, certainly p and called to the
man inside to take the weight. And
the man thought it was coal he was
weighing and shouted back the
weight 600 Boston Post.
And now, as the persimmon ripens
and the leaves take on u tint of dead
gold, the young lady whom you met
IN the mountains during the sum
mer, will send YOU her card, that
you may call upon her, or supply her
with tickets tor this matinee aud u
Mrs-Aangtry pertormance.-Puck.,
A postal puzzle: The postotiice
authorities are somewhat bothered
about the proper destination of a
postal card directed to "Jam Bone.
alias JAS. Il. Mulherren, in care OF
Nike Flynn, or his sister Julia, or
her cousin Mary Ana, corner of the
street with no number, Pottsville,
retail huckster and tin horn artist. Ii
not there, next door,"
Dodging the openings: "You still
keep your family in the country, l
hear" remarked a merchant to his
neighbor, casually. 81 should think
yon would miss them very much"
"Shl They don't get back to the
city until the tall openings are over.
l haven't been studying economy for
twenty years Tor nothing" High
priced country board for "a week il
much cheaper than u day at the
openings.-BoStoR Globe.
Danger OF whistling: Persons
who lose dogs should be very care
full where they look for them The
other day man stood in front OF
the Center market whistling very
energetically and calling "Here.
Sport" when sausage vender rush
ed out ~and assaulted him with a
cleaver. The assailant explained
that he was getting tired OF having
bis stock made fun ot.-SdR Francis
co Post.