Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1882-01-19
No. O..
MY WIFE,S HUSBAND.
Modern -Argo.l

Modern Argo.
| have some mighty mean relatives, but
he's the toughest Every tooth in his head
has cost me hundreds of dollars. He is al
ways hanging around when | am thinking
of something else and ii strike him for a
dollar he is always as hard upas myself. It's
terribly aggravating, the way he II come home
nights after lodge and throw his overcOat on
the plant stand, his hat in the cuspidore.
and sit by the base-burner grinning at my
wife like South American chimpanZee. My
wife has spoken to him several times. She
has a way of talking to him that makes me
wish | was down town with the boys l
don't think she had ought to be so rude and
disrespecttul to him, considering he's so
closely related.
! He don't know any more than | do, in con-
sequence of which he is entirely useless to
me- When | cant think OF u mans name
and appeal to him, the cuss will stop scratch
his head, wiggle his ears, spit on the stove.
pull out a last years toothpick, and say:
"Damtno."
1T happen to rccolect the name | wan
ted, he'll chip in
/ That man! | thought you meant some
other man. | knew that name all the time.
Then he'll borrow dime, scratch match
on the hard finish, grab my hat and lounge
Off down street to play pool, and ten chances
/ to one he'll draw mighty big drafts on my
face at the bar. | have no particular grudgt
at the majority of my wites relatives. They
are a patient, easy going set, given to mind
! ing their own business and letting me alone.
But it is different with this chap. | can't
keep any secrets from him to save my badly
demoralized and weather-beaten soul. If
know anything he's sure to get on to it"
and sometimes gives the whole thing away
when he's full.
! Still. he's a harmless enough fellow, and |
do not think he would, Intentionally, dosme
! an injury. But one day while he was fool
ing with revolver it was discharged. About
I the same time missed something. 1t was
! the top of my left thumb. While waltzing
around the room to no particular tune, it
was no slight comfort to me listening to the
deep, sonorous and sympathetic swearing
which he did on joint account 1t really
made me feel warm and kindly toward him,
for the rich, Autumn-dyed profanity seemed
to bubble right up from his heart. There is
one good thing to be said in his favor he
never sides in with my enemies. Once, when
had called him liar, he took up the quar-
rel, and thick-set wealthy pork-packer
kicked over an iron fence into the private
grounds Of coal dealer. He fell on lawn
mower, broke three ribs, and sad-eyed col
ored man played on him with garden hose.
He invariably drinks, smokes and takes
chew of tobacco whenever | do, and, in fact,
/ eats at my table and lives on me as though
! I had been elected to congress by means OF
his political influence. He bought my wife
new bonnet last week. Although not in
the least Jealous, hate to see him do such
things. But my wife seems to enjoy it huge
ly and had the cheek to kiss him-right be-
fore my face He is not the best company i'll
the world; in fact l am just about as lone
some when he's around as when he's absent.
He's a great believer in hydropathy and it
gives me a chill to see him take shower
bath in the morning. He purchased tur-
KEY last Thanksgiving's day and we all
looked on him as a benetactor to the human
race. while we were skirmishing for the
white meat and trying to leave the neck
piece for wife and little ones. But that fellow
had the stupendous gall to get the butcher
to send around the bill for me to hquldate.
If sign note with him it is sure to be pro-
tested. He has about ridden free horse to
death. and when | spoke to my wife about
firing him out OF the family she grew white
around the lips and locke as though she
wanted to play game OF Mysteries. so L
suppose he's a fixture for life. AS the great
round world goes spinning down the change
f of time, he will probably go right on kissing
r nv wife and wearing my socks.