Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1882-04-29
THE sP0OPENDYKEs.

~ mad and be an expert !"-
~ expert in what ?" demanded MI
III Snoopendyke. dropping his paper
]" "What kind of an expert ?''
y, "Don't you know An expert VIII
. goes to court and tells right out W ha
he thinks OF hypothetical question
- aud heads. and knows by the ulmana
:, Just when man is crazy and whel
:! :! he isn't -
!. "Anything particular tho matter
" with your head this trip?" roarcC
MIR. Spoopendyke. "Beem reading
:, some old cookbook lately =? What'rt
= you talking about? What dress pat
tern have You got hold of now ?''
~ was reading about Mr.. Guiteau,'
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke, s'nnd
!, thought how much better it must be
y to be an expert than to know any.
: thing about the case! That's why
asked. If man knows ANYTHING they
always prove that he don't, but il he
is an expert he Just swcars that a man
. who bothers MIN ls crazy and that
! ends it,"
II s'pose you think I've had so
: much experience in idiocy at home
: that could make fortune as an ex.
,, pert" sputtered Mr.. Spoopendyke.
~ tell you they are intelligent men.
they make up their minds aud swear
to- their opinions according to Law.
When the revised statutes at large
provide for me as An expert, as they
provide for idiots, lunatics, habitusl
drunkards, and married women, Pll
go into the business !" and Mr.. Spoon.
endyke winked at himself triumph
antly, as he thought over the last
shot.
..Well," reioined Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, bridling Indignantly, .sif the
revised statutes provide that way,
they ought to be shut up. They have
no business at large. didn't know
that these experts were legalized.
supposed they just went there to help
their friends along.'
"No, they don't either 70 retorted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. They go to swear
whether the man is insane or not"
"But what do they want to drown
HIM for Z" argued Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"There they were all talking at once
and getting along pleasantly, when all
OF sudden Mr.. Corkhill and Colonel
Corker and Mr.. Savage threw Mr.,
Guiteau into the dock I"
"Drown your grandmot other's hind
leg ~ howlcd Mr.. Spoopemdyke.
"What dye think y law dock is !? Got
notion it's measly pond with
green scum on top of it? S'pose it's
two-inch mud puddle with fence
around it. and congressional appro-
priation to make it navigable3 It's
q pen, tell We; rallied of pen III the
court room, where they put prisoners
Gu'teau bothered the experts SO that
they had TO put him in the pen. Think
you understand it now 2"
"Of csnrse," assented Mrs. Spoon.
endyke, "but why didn't they nut
Mr.. Scovillc and Mr.. Reed thore, too I?
They are trying to bother the experts
Just as much as Guiteau did. Tney
wont let the poor man alone"
"Don't you know the difference be-
tween q lawyer and criminal ?o
ripped Mr.. Spoopendyke, cor is that
TOO tlne distinction for you? Reed |
aud Scoville are defending Guiteau
Porter and Corkhill and Davidge are
prosecuting him. OF course his law
yer will cross-examine the witnesses
against him. But it's no use to ex.
plain anything 10 YOU"
81 understand that much. - returu.
ed Mrs. Spoopendyke, "but I don't
understand what Judge Cox means
by pitching into the la wvers and over.
riding their questions. The first thing
he knows the experts will swear that
he is All asyInmetrical, and then hell
be put in tho dock with Guitean
where it will go hard with hlm. / tell
you Judge can't be too careful how
he hehaves," aud Mrs. Spoopendyke
pinned the baby's skirts around ifs
legs and smoothed out its dress.
"Wow J" yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke
unable for all instant to throw his
feelings into any coherent form of
speech. You've struck it! You're
whole barrel of canned Judiciary
All yon want now is red label On
your back and some marginal notes IN
be dod-gasted law library! Ifyou'd
change assistants once a month and
win four cases during one term of Of
flee, you'd only need three doodands
and plug hat to be district attor-
ney! You've got the idea! There's
nothing more to be said OH either
side! Give you black petticoat
with sleeves to it and wart on yonr
nose, aud you'd only want restau.
rant III the basement and a lounge nm. ,
stairs to be n United States Supreme ,
Court What dye suppose a indoe ia :
for. a substitute? Think he sits 9
around to sass the prisoner, turn and !,
turn about? Got some kind of an
idea that ! Q is dod-gasted work on =
etiquette, with Mottled leaves and a
yellow binding, and Tommy from q
Fanny, OH the fly? [ tell you he pre- .
sides J.! And anybody but half wit
I"i woman who didn't think with .
heels and reason with the rat hole /
!, door, wouldn't need to be told of Z
Il more times than she makes measlv i
dio' "f herselfv' :
81: he presides it's all riyht.n rc. :,
''"a Mrs. Spoopendyke, with siob
- i'lief, "Dut l got the idea he went >,
here to feel the public sentiment and -
hen say those were his views, and -
10 was only helping the prosecution n
o see the error of Guiteau's ways he. o
ore his conduct was snapped up aud y
lsed against him" "
Nir: Spoopendyke drew Oft his !,
io,Eln% solemnly, fired the pieces in .
alHereht corners, and waded into H.
eu WIN the stern reelection lu,I h,
some people needed side whiskers NJ
ld anote book full of bad lectures on
epeal:d statutes to be modern law Il,
chsoi!' 80" u
81 don't care" muttered Mrs :.
81 like those expert, >,
nu wisl, my husband would 20 i'm. ~,
,, tho business. Thcy may no, hing n,
lr. Guiteau, but they III find the iurv =,
'sa"e, and Mr.. Porter will hay, IN ~.
'ok up some other kind of lob. for ~
'is irlal can't last forever" ~,
WIN which satisfactory solution a.,
the national complications, Mrs. ~,
poopendyke undressed the baby ="
ropping the pins where Mr.. Spoon. ne
'dy ke would be- sure to find Il EN- -, -,
'e moment he stepped out of bed in ~ ~
le morning. ~. u.
"A wagon load of misery excited !" 10
'' pity Of the good people OF Otta- p'
a, Kansas. as it rolled out of town "a "a
g other day. 1t was a han,lcufrpd on on
ief'on his ""v to prison; his Insane W. W.
i'e' who was being taken to an asy- "a "a
III Two children. going to the poor no no
'use, and dead baby, bound Tor \ .e .o
,aveyard. Tie object in taking them ~, ~
III one ve',ic'e was to manage the va va
oman easily, as she refused TO be ' as
'rted from the rest. 4u
bis
Chicago Times es:-''The German popu-
non oi Cincinnati ls so large that it
Pports three daily papers printed in til.
erman: Two OF these have always sei
en- reliable republican organs. They gr'
}" invite their patrons to follow them the
Il OnIV ont NJ tho ron,I,I;o,., lis