Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1882-03-24
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Il
HoFFENsTEIN' BUSINESS RIVAL
"My gr-r-acious. Herman, watts de mad
der ?n exclaimed HoffensteIn, as his clerk
rusbedsinto the store with his nose looking
like mashed fig.
81 hat fight NIT Max Hornberger, }" re-
piled the clerk excitedly, fund py tam
wants de law"
.Vad did you fight aboud, Herman 20
inquired Hoffenstein, quietly.
"Vell, I vas standing on de street und 1
hear Max Hornberger say dat last week We
sell ghustomer pair Of plue bants, und
dey gept on shrinking und shrinking un-
dill dey got under his shirt COLLAR, and now
he wears dem for gravat. vent to him
und says: Max Hornberger, you peter
had keep your mould away from uder beo-
Pies pizness.' Den he says: L know vat
I talk aloud, und will pack it up. Dot s
de kind uf lay oud l vas.' Veil, ven
wasn't dinking, he hit me der pack bart uf
my ear on. He don't gould hat done it if
I vas blinking, put I wasn't dlnking und
den hu hits me some more dimes de nose
ofer, de tam tief.'
'sVy tidn't you vjp him, Herman ?"said
Hoffenstein, aDgrily.
'sVell, will wait Misder Hoffenstein.
but if it hadn't been for my mudder, h.
would hat been gone nit de bolice."
''Never mind. Herman. l dink we car
preak all his shdore all up. / will deli d.
ghustomers dat Max Hornberger don d
geep noding but zecond hand cloding, anG
gets dem vrom beple vat shust hat de
schmall pox. De way dat man vii lie, Her.
man, vas shame. you know. He dold NJ
once, ven he vas dalking aloud dogs, da'
bevore ne var he hat dog vat got bit mi;
rattleschnake again, und he gif him more
vlsky, und de dog got 20 dot he wanted
vlskey all de dime und vud 60 bundiug vGr
schnakes ub. Ven de dog he Wind dem he
vud stand und hit de schnake on the head
NIT de end of his dali until he vas pit
Max Hornberger zays dot de only way he
goud geep dot dog vrom offering de
schnake inducements to pite him vas to
gut his dali off. Dink how DOT man vii
lie. Herman, und dond hat nodlng to do
nit him. Max Hornberger vas not goe
any way, and shust Wait awhile und l will
make him dink he dond got some piziness
voolin nit me.''
Owing to the street he lived in having
been cleaned, a Staunton man the othe,
night was unable to recognize it. and a
policeman had to escort him home. 1t was
very mean to claim that he was intoxica-
ted. He missed the mounds of dirt, and
was merely bewildered.
The two friends were talking about
theatres. "How wide is the stage oper-
ing at Music Hall?' asked one. "Well
don't know exactly" said the other, 'but
it is just the width of a Gainsbororgh h.
on tie seat in 'front.'
.'Pa, are you an agnostlc?" asked d
young Staunton Miss at tee last even
ing. mo, my dear. | am proud to say l
am /. Republican" "Well, that mean
tie same thing, pa. No Virginia Repub
lican knows what he believes nowadays. I
81 thought, Miss s., that you hated that
flirty mink. Yet you went up and kissed
herr Miss ST. do hate her. and that
is why did it. LOOK at the big freckles
on her cheek where kissed the powder
off
A celebrated lawyer once said that the
three most troublesome clients he ever had
were young lady who wanted to be mar
ried, married woman who wanted d.
vorce, and an old maid who didn't know
what she wanted.
A Professor Cunning, up in Michigan,
is featuring on .After man, what ?" A
Fort Wayne editor. who has been there,
rises to remark that it is generally the
Sheriff or some woman.
a man with small salary and a large
family says if pride goes before fall he
would like to see pride start on a little
ahead of the price of coal and provisions.
''Wbat is meant by the pomps and van-
tiles of this world p'' asked the Sunday
school teacher s.Them flowers on your
hat, num- replied the quick-witted
scholar.
At supper, being observed to view some
butter with distrust. Krauf was asked if
he did not like it. 'Like is word too fa-
miliar,'' he answered. II reverence it,
Reform ed rakes are said to make the
best husbands; but then it takes all good
,woman's time to nurse and keep them on
their pins.
Learning" said down Easter, sis
well enough. but it hardly pays to give a
i've thousand dollar education to a FIVE
Ddollar boy.''
where are our girls9' anxiously in
quires RELIGIOUS exchange. We don It
know. We can't keep track of all the
girls in creation.
The distance between fool and a wise
man is greater than the former says it is
and less than the latter thinks it is.
Mr.. Fogg said to his wife: 81 will come
right back.'' "The wife gently respond
ed: "See that you come back right"
Seventy American women took out pat
ents last year, and the most valuable in.
rention was Eve cent shoe buttOner.