The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1882-02-14
THE NATIONAL QUESTION.
The Spoopendyke Family Have q
Few Words in Testi-
mOny.

J as she wiped the corner OF her baby {
mouth, and curled up roll on the
top of its head, "why don't you 90
and be an expert?'
Expert in WHAT demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke, dropping his paper.
"What kind of an expert"
"Don't you know? An expert who
goes to court and yells right out what
he thinks of hypothetical questions
and heads. and knows by the almanac
just when a man is crazy and when he
isn't"
"Anything the matter with your
head this trip" roared Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "Been reading same old cook
book latelys What're you talking
about? What dress pattern have you
got hold of now?"
81 was reading about Mr.. Guiteau, I"
replied Mrs. Spoopendyke, and l
thought how much better it must be
to be an expert than to know anything
about the case. That's why | asked.
If a man knows anything they always
prove he don't, but if he is an expert
he Just swears that the man who
bothers him is crazy, and that ends
it,"
81 s'pose you think I've had so
much experience in idiocy at home
that could make a fortune as an ex-
pert" said Mr.. Spoopendyke. 81 tell
you they are all intelligent men. They
make up their minds and swear to
their opinions, according to law.
When the revised statutes at large
provided for me as an expert, as they
provided for idiots, lunatics, habitual
drunkards, and married women, I'll
90 into the business, and Mr.. Spoop-
endyke winked at himself triumphant
ly, as he thought over the last shot"
"Well, rejoined Mrs Spoopendyke.
bridling Indignantly, "if the revised
statutes provide in that way they
ought to be shut up. They've no
business at large. / didn't know that
these experts were legalized. | sup
posed that they just went there TO
help their friends along"
mo they don't either" retorted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. They 60 to
swear whether the man is insane or
not"
"But what do they want TO drown
him for?" argued Mrs. Spoopendyke.
There they were all talking at once
and getting along pleasantly, when all
of sudden Mr.. Porkhill and Colonel
Corker and Mr.. Savage throw Mr..
Guiteau into the dock '"
Drown your grandmother's hind
Leg howled Mr.. Spoopendyke. !
"What dye think law dock is? Got
a notion it's a measly pond with a
green scum on top of it? 'Spose its
a two inch mud puddle with a fence
around it, and congressional appro-
priation to make it nayigable? It's a
pen, / tell We, a rallied off pen in the
court room, where they put prisoners
Guiteau bothered the experts so they
had to put him in the pen. Think
YOU understand now2"
"Of course" assented Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, but why don't they put Mr..
and Mr.. Reed there too?
They are trying to bother the experts
ust as much as Guiteau did. They
won't let the poor men alone"
Don't you know the difference be-
tween lawyer and a criminal ?"
ripped Mr.. Spoopendyke, cor is that
too fine distinction for you? Reed
and ScovilIe are defending Guiteau.
Porter and Corkhill and Davidge are
prosecuting him. OF course his law
yer will cross-examine the witnesses
against him. But it's ne use to ex-
plain anything to you"
Il understand that much, returned
Mrs. Spoopendyke, "but | don't un-
ierstand what Judge Cox means by
pitching into the lawyers and over
riding their questions. The first he
knows the experts will say he is an
symmetrical, and then he will be
put in the dock with Guiteau. where
t will 90 hard with him. tell you
, Judge can't be too careful how he
behaves" and Mrs. Spoopendyke
pinned the baby's skirts and smoothed
put its dress.
"Now," yelled Mr.. Snoopendyke,
unable for an instant to throw his feel
ngs into any coherent form Of speech,
You've struck it You're a whole
barrel of canned judiciary All you
want now is q red label on your back
and some marginal notes to be
lodgasted law-library! If you'd
change assistants once a month and
win four cases during one term Of Of
ice, you'd only need three deodands
and a plug hat to be district attor-
,ovf Nnu'vo oof tho i1oo There's