The Worthington advance., 1882-08-03
WHY HE MOURNElD.
The Bottom Facts OF the Funeral
TOuchingly Told.


Touchingly Told.
Ifyon've got the time I'd like to have
you write little something about the
deceased" said the little man quietly,
something pretty mournful, if you
please"
who is dead?'' inquired the manag-
ing editor, dipping his pen in the ink
pot. "Friend ofyours?"
"Well, yes" replied the little man,
leaning over the table "She was my
wife. Her wings sprouted yesterday and
we turfed her over this p. III. She was a
very superior article of remains, and l
thought I'd have you speak good word
for her to the public, with something
about other papers copying it at the bot
TOM"
"Where was the plants" asked the eli-
tor, scratching his bead forappropriately
melancholy ideas.
I'VE set her out ,'p in Cypress Hills"
replied the mourner, wiping his eyes.
"We had a ten-dollar discourse and a
fortydollar funeral You might speak
of the casket. That cost fifteen dollars
alone, and there must have been eight
or nine dollars worth Of flowers and
shrubs, and one thing OF another"
II might say She was popular and gen.
orally beloved by all who knew her in
life, eh?" suggested the editor.
"ioi bet! And that'll make her Sis
ter mad. You may say she was the
lice precinct, and that there were four
carriages chock full. Hyou want nice
piece of descriptive, YOU might add that
rode on the hearse with the driver"
"An affcctionate wife and loving
| mother?" limited the editor
"Well," coughed the little man, "If
you've got plenty Of time and room
Perhaps you'd better pay more atten-
tion to the handles of the caske:. I'll
show 'em to You. Genuine plate!' and
he drew them from his pocket "The
screws were all silver headed but they
thought I'd better leave them"
'Was she prominent in any Of the
charitable rackets? Much in the Sum
| day school business?' asked the edit
"Nes, some. She belonged to a gross
or two Of old Woman's homes and a
couple o dozen Of children's temperance
societies, but that didn' cut much figure
at the funeral. You might speak Of the
number present and say that several
1A4CAAtAo ~ tllC ICIIklllAo NcIc
about a good deal trying to get sight at
her. We showed her at the house and
at the grave, and though say it myself,
l think the coffin plate was generally ad-
! mired."
Then she was worthy, Christian WON
! an, charitable and kindly
disposed, and departed sincerely
! mourned by a large circle of fricnds?"
ooh, yes!" sighed the bereaved. Il
don't see any objection to that. You
might follow it up by remarking that her
prostratcd husband gave her as good a
send ott as any woman in that ward ever
had. The head-stone comes to Sl5, and
! | lost ten to my brother-in-law betting
that the hearse could bea: the mo,lrne rs
carriage to the first tolleate on the old
! road commine home. I'u like 10 have
it known that l did the fair thing, though
don't care to look like | was blowing
! about the expense
'Did she leave any t.!.illrcn.''
"Yes, OH, yes! she left 'en. Theyt
went with her as far as the grave. 1t
stood me in S27 to tiet them ont with
grief for the occasion. But don't be-
grudge it. Whe II spend money | cal
culate to get the worth out of it, and no.
body hears me complain. paid SIS for
| he clothes she was shoveled under in. "
Did she leave any propertyo?"
| "A couple OF houses and lots, but you
needn't mention them. Just speak Of it
as the social event Of the season in funer-
| al circles, in which no expense was
spared to make il a gratifying success,
and you'll hit it about even. The neigh
bors'are all watching for the paper and
you'll make little something out
| Of the sales if you do the right thing.
You might say in tu-day's paper that the
notice will appear tomorrow, 50 as to
advertise it little" and the prostrated
husband put on his hat and blttoned his
coat.
And the managing editor wrote a sim
| pie, touching tribute to the memory of
the woman whose qualities were buried
under her funeral bills; and the pros
| trated husband showed it around, ex-
| planning that he couldn't imagine how
the paper got hold Of the fact unless it
| was that a reporter was present disguised
as one of 'the friends Of the remains"