The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-11-01
COMIC COMMENTS.

new name for sutler. --Ne1c Orleans PtcGy-
uRe
Quite likely: Likely to be myrrh
naid-the apothecarys daughter = Boston
Transcript
-Fogg still alive "The babes in the
wood remarked Fogg, pointing at the in
FAINT in his cradle. Boston Transcript.
Law of conversions The Kentucky
courts hold that conversion to Christianity
while the convert was drunk does not hold
good in law. Boston Post.
The new version: Instead of staying
Oh that mine enemy would write book"
the wicked man saith: "Give mine enemy
toy-pistol. - Saratoga journal.
Histrionic item An exchange says
that 6 Henry Irving, the actor, has two sons
who will beat him on the stage.n Henry
should have them bound over to keep the
peace. - TEXAS SUJfsings.
True greatness; In some parts OF Chi
sago and Troy there is saloon for every
sixth house. It is only the great cities that
can thus place delrium tremens within the
reach of ALL Troy Times.
Pats illness Doctor" Well, Pat
have you taken the box of pills sent you 2n
Pat" Yes, sir, be jabers, have but
don't feel any better yet; maybe the lid
hasn't come off yet l"--Loadon Judy.
immortality of yachting Twelve per-
sons will go out yachting, and each one will
afterwards tell you privately that "every
one was sick but me- We begin to think
that yachting is mineral. Boston Tran
script
Good advice The Steubenville Herald
has an article headed Shall We Fly ?" We
have not had time to read the article, but
we advise the editor of the Herald to stay
and brazen it out, whatever il is. Texas
S5tings.
The new primer: See the honest driver
He is stopping Mt his home. VIII he leave
tub of the coal2 Yes, he will leave tub
of the coal. Then he will drive on and sup
ply the man who bought the coal Louis
bile Courie,.Jownat.
Better left unsaid: Snookson with a
knowing look through his eye-glass) -"I
say, Doodle, who's that uncommon snowy
looking woman your friend scamperdown's
always about WITH" Boodle-His wife
and my sister. London Punch.
-Cetewayo's doom: Cetewayo has been
invited to dine with the Mayor aud Com
mon Council of London, If he passes
through the ordeal with his life some new
method of destruction will have to be in
vented for his especial case. Boston Tran
script
Why he drinks German workman
Yaas, it is drue some of mein countrymen
drink moch bier, but it is not strong and
does not make dem dronS" British Work
man--"No2 Then what the dooce is the
use o. them a-drinkin' of it ?n-London
Funny Folks.
The secret of pleasure: Fogg, who
has been resorting, says the true secret of
pleasure in the country Is TO take exercise
enough to digest fried steak and stale vege-
tables and TO get tired enough through the
day to sleep on the hardest of hard beds at
night. -Boston Transcript
--Pugilstic: A gentleman talking the
other day to bright little five-year-old boy
who lives up the street somewhere, asked
him; "Do you ever fight at home" 20,
yes" said the boy. "Well, who do you
fight with ~ 90 my sister, Well, who
whips?" 80, mamma whips l"- Buffalo
Express
Too lean to die. ANY children ?"
asked n landlord of a gentleman seeking a
tenement on Cherry street. !" Yes, three
" No use talking then, | want tenants with.
out children" "But mine are not fat
enough to kill, mildly remarked the gentle
man, as he turned on his heel - waterbury
american.
"A labor auctioneer Eyes, said Fem
ioraon, lazily removing his pipe from his
mouth to say it; "yes, I'm in favor of any
thing which shall promote home industry
True for you,' replied Fogg "but no.
tice that you keep away from home when
there's anything in the industry line going
on."-BOston Transcript.
Attained its majority ~ don't under
stand" said the landlady, "why nobody
touches that cake. It's been on the table
every night for week and not soul has
eaten piece of it. 1t is unnecessary to say
that it is particularly nice. Look at it; it
speaks for ITSELF" Possibly" remarked
Fogg, :" that is the reason that nobody else
speaks for it ."-Boston Transcript.
-Arithmetical progression County Court
Judge TO DEFENDANT -" The case seems
clear to me, and having had the goods you
must pay the amount claimed Now how
much can you pay? Can you manage four
shllings a month 2" Defendant "a poor
man, certainly" Me, sir Four shillings
a MONTH No, certainly not but I don't
mind paying two shillings q week l"-Lon-
don Judy.
-Overstrained politeness They err who
tell us politeness has fled, as witness the fol-
lowing POSTSCRIPT to a letter recently received
by the Duke of & from the steward of
one of his estates ~ beg that your grace
will excuse me for having taken the liberty of
writing this letter in my shirt-sleeves, but
the excessive heat has compelled me to be
guilty OF this apparent dlsrespect. from
tie French
Cruelty to tramps; A rude, bad boy in
Jefferson street store put grindstone in
cheesebox the other day and told travel
worn tramp he might have it if he could
kick it four inches. A mighty kick, roar
of wrath and regret, and the sojourner
limped down the street, heading for the
ferry, under the impression that he had to
go clear over into Illinois before he could
get an ounce of arnica, under the new
amendment. Burlington Hauheye.
Gray hairs often cause annoyance
which Parker's Hair Balsam prevents by
restoring the youthful color.
Josr BEFORE THE BATTLE. - john" said
an old Georgia plantation owner 10 faith