The National tribune., 1882-09-16
SOME SIDE-SPLITTERS.
What the Funny Fellows sre Saying In the News
papers.

years. This is another warning to inveter-
ate smOkers.-Derrick.
Stoves are supposed to be somewhat
modern invention, but the Egyptians were
warmed by Alexander the CRATE B. c. 300
Commercial Bulletin
viii the coming man use both hands? 20
Is question asked by scientific exchange.
we do not see how the coming man can use
both hands, unless the coming woman drives
the horse.
Missouri book agent piled ties across
the railroad track, ran ahead and "sayedns
passenger train, and took 12O orders from the
grateful passengers without change of
countenance.
Neighbor's pretty daughter: "How much
is this yard?" Draper's SON, desperate
spoons" On her: "Only one kiss" If its
so cheap, will take three yards, and grand.
ma will pay yOu,"
General Mcclellan criticises the English
military movements in Egypt. He says the
generals lack decision and do not move
quickly enough. General Mcclellan says
L1"tHtytOH 1I@Hhtyo.
They don't have rains out West. A cloud
just saunters up and examines a town and
then collapses right over it Nobody escapes
but the newspaper reporters and the book
agents.-AHdntG Constitution.
Not out of danger: "Good morning, Fred,n
said Brown; chow is your. wife,-better I
hope?" "Yes," replied Fred; better. but
not out of danger. The doctor calls regu.
larly every day."-BostOn Transcript.
An instrument has been invented by
means of which person can see distance
of sixty feet under water The man who
fishes for two hours without bite can now
take look and see what the trouble is.
A Lexington (Ky.) youth who went to
work IN the country, wrote his girl, June
graduate, that he was raising calf Imagine
his feelings when the girl replied: I am
glad you have begun to support YOURSELF
Three Chicago children have been arrested
and fined for stealing twenty-five pillows.
Those twenty-five pillows were from sum-
mer hotel, and were found concealed in one
of the boys vest pockets.-Boston transcript.
She was Cleveland lady, and she stood
watching boat loaded with ice "What is
that boat loaded with ?" "Ice," was the re-
ply. "Oh, my" she exclaimed, in surprise.
If the horrid stuff should melt the water
would sink the boat!"
A valuable tree: No, sir" said DR.. Jalap,
" I wouldn't have that apple tree cut down
for money" " But you never get any fruit
from it." argued Brown; {" the boys steal all
the apples before they are half ripe" THAT'S
just ii" replied the doctor, with a quiet
smile; that tree stands me in good thou
sand every season."-BostoB transcript
Vain regret: An honest old wood-sawyer.
whose wife was the cause of considerable
trouble to him, met a friend on the street,
and referring to his better halt, said &" When
I married my wife loved her well enough
to eat her" And then somewhat hesitat-
ingly the old man continued: "And now I
wish to the Lord had eat ber.n-Bostos
Post
|. Precautionary: Arab Bey to his adjutant
before retiring for the night" You have re-
mands?" Adjutant-"I have" Arab
"Our soldiers are securely tied, hand and
foot?" Adjutant =" They are" Arabi
Mash Allah! I shall then have an army
to fight with in the morning" Brooklyn
Eagle.
Wind useless: Remember" said the ven
cradle Brother Gardner, as he brought the
proceedings of the Lime Kiln Club to a close
the other evening, remember, as we perco-
late homewards, dat while pusson may
have voice like tornady an mouth
like woodshed, de man who winks wild his
left eye allus gets de bes' glass of sody
atern5Detr0H Free Press
Hindsight: "What methodieal fellow
you are, Brown" said Filkins, who had
stepped into Browns Office during the lat
ter's absence. "Why, what do you mean ?"
asked Brown, who had Just entered.
"Mean?n echoed Filkins; "to think that
you should lock all your drawers up when
you are only going out for five minutes!
'Tisn't likely that anybody would meddle
with your papers" "Of course not" replied
Brown; but how did you find out that the
drawers were locked ?"-BOstoR Transcript.
In deep distress: A stranger paced glOomi-
ly up and down Main street about seven
o'clock a night or two ago, and finally
stopped before a group of citizens. "Are all
the clothing and furnishing goods stores in
this town closed tonight" he asked. "They
are" was the sad reply. where is the
nearest town where they keep open during
the EVENING"" was the next inquiry. What's
yer trouble, anyhow" asked one of the citi-
zens. "Why, yer see, my suspenders have
broke down." said the thoughtful stranger,
as he took hold of himself on each side and
moved down the street.-N0raoicb Bulletin.
A fair protectionist: "Do tell me what all
this talk about free trade and protection
means, Henry" said Araminta. "YOu know
don't know anything at all of these things
pa is always talking about and it makes me
feel awfully silly sometimes when he has
Squire Sawin and Judge Jones at the house to
dinner l can't do anything but sit still and
play with my fingers, you know" So Henry
told her in a sort of chaotic fashion what he
knew about the subject that troubled her.
Things were getting along finely, if he had
only the courage to take advantage of them,