Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1882-09-17
FUN GALORE.
ma Touch OF Humor Makes the
whole World 6ria.
The Wits and STAYS Of Humorous
Nature that are Continually.
Going the Rounds OF
the Press.
MISCELLANEOUS swIRKs AND SMILES

| to hide the absence OF otusn'-1'''
Orleans Hcdsrine.
Dancing may improve your carriage
| somewhat. but it's no valuable accom-
plishment fol the horse.
Hay fever Is going out OF hshion.
| Ouite n number Of prominent parsonage
| have neglected to have it this year.
The mosquito is little, but his brave
example is contagious. Ae makes Tic
most cowardly come to the scratch.
One of human natures oddities: Inc
girl with the biggest feet always wants
to play Cinderella.-Net0 orleans f7co-
yune.
Paris husband and wife-He: LAS
! s,,redly van were born to marry an
IDIOTS She: ayes, and l made no
mistaken
Essence of chicken" Is the name OF
a White mountain hotel SCUM. Inc wa
ter of which.it is made Is darwin rom
well near the hen-house.
A valuable bit of history: Archi-
medes invented the slang phrase, Give
MS rest" when he offered to move the
world with his lever.-Ne,o York Netrs.
Woman the apple Of our eye: A
! German who was lately married says:
ait vas easier for needle to walk out OF
a cancels eye than for mans to get
| der lasht word NIT womans."-Anon.
Peaches, apples, pears, plums, and
melons are so plentiful In Georgia that
some of the negroes walk twelve miles
to steal lumber or something else which
the owner cares for.
Vanitas vanitatum: After working
all these years to make q people tnink
as he thinks, Mr.. Beecher suddenly dis-
covers that he doesn't think 30 himself.
| -RocEldnd Courier Gazette.
Tell man lying on a lounge that q
unaway team is going by, and you can
safely bet seven to one that he'll collide
with every piece OF furniture IN the
room getting to the window.
An Eastern editor, who evidently be-
lieyes in the law Of compensation, says:
HNobody ever sends US any boquets or
! fruit, but we found nine cockroaches In
our inkstand this morning"
During q dearth of news In West
ern office the office cat was damned into
! the lob press and the editor immd l.
| ately set I'D the following headlines:
"Dreadful Accident-Nine Lives Lost"
First Briton-"Hi ear that 'Erbert
Spencer's hoff to Hamerica." Second
B.-.sYes, 'Erbert's hotf. My heyes,
but won't them Hamericans be hab-
sorbed wen 'Erbert gets hup to haddress
tbemw
A statesman's strong hold: Cover
nor Pitkin is as serene a. a chinch-bug
on a sweet potato vine. He cares not
who writes the laws of the nation or
| counts the votes so long rs he kisses the
Denver Tribune.
A gentleman relating an accident he
had met with yn Greenwich from a fall,
was asked by sergeant II II was near
the vertebrate that he had been hurt.
"No, sir" was the reply; ut was near
the observatory"
| If YOU want to know something about
the recollections OF the stage, just neg
lect to pass your nickle up to the driver
when you enter the omnibus. You'll
| find the drivers recollections good, II
your own are not.
| We are told that "a Cincinnati society
| reporter has mysteriously disappeared,
and foul play Is suspected" The sus.
| picion is iustifiable. You can bet on a
| Cincinnati reporters being guilty of foul
play six days in week.
| A New Jersey town has passed an
ordinance requiring all tramps found
within its limits to be set to work DRAIN
ing the town. That Is just the kind OF
work a well regulated tramp Is adapted
to. He generally begins, however, by
draining the citizens"
Polo Is a game played by thin-legged
| ,,nnnfv man NJ n SpnnEa niUa rnttns They
ride sawed-off horses and try to knock
wooden ball across lot. Ben amin
Franklin, George Washington, and
several other men whose memories are
held in esteem, never played polo.
Authors wife at Long Branch to her
Irish maid-"I say, Honora, where can
Mr.. Inkslasher be? 1t Is past lunch
time. What can be keeping him so
long?" Maid-"Och! shure, don't
worry ma'am; he's only down beyant
shure, at the batch, decomposin'."
Egyptian view Of the bombarbment
Of Alexandria. First Egyptian ICON.
templating the ruins)-"Still they say
It has been done as friendly power"
Second Egyptian -"Thank heaven,
then, for wnat would they have done II
they had been ut war with u.?.
A correspondent asks: "What time
of the year do the days begin
TO shortenw When you have .
note in bank. A note In bank
is the great anpihilator Of time. The
days are crowded together In thin lay
en-, and the nights are like smear
from backing brush.
| An agricultural editor says: 1.-THE
true test Of butter COW Is the number
of pounds she will make In year, aud
the cost of the same" II man Ii 60
ing to do this, and calculate In the ex.
pense account the damage the COW does
from sheer cussedness, he'll find he can't
sell butter for less than dollar a pound.
A boy paid his first visit to ono Of the
public schools the other day rs sch0lt
| er, and a. he came home Mt night his
mother required: "Weli, Henry, how
10 you like going tn school?', "Bullpv'
he replied, In an excited qolce. 81 saw
our boys licked, one girl get her ear
,,ulled, and q big scholar burned his ell
how on the stove. don't want to miss
day.
All flesh il grass: "Breddren." said
plantation preacher, 81 will now dis
Cloverw mo. Pomp." cried one OF his
sable congregation, you means deepis-
tie Of timothy" ono matter" re-
piled the preacher, ''any kind oh grass
will do, 40 dat 1t will be good fodder."-
Boston Globe.
Scientific item: "I'm shOckedW ex.
claimed Ms Brown, stepping into the
pantry just In time TO catch Johnny In
the oct Of hidinga jar Of preserves be.
meath the folds Of his Jacket; '.yes,
Johnny, I'm shockedV Eyes, ms,p'
responded the young rogue, - laden
jar Is enough to give anybody . shock.
i -Boaon Fanscrip<.
Il Court incident In the CITY or Music:
Here again, Annie2" HYex, your
Honor" said Annie GIockner. "How