Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1882-08-08
KswspApER WIT.

In the morning man gets ups DUO III
the evening he gets supper Yonkers Ca
zette.
It is noted as queer misprint in one Of
Chicago's great daiIies last week that
doctor felt of mans "purse." Nothing
very queer about that Boston Advert
ser.
The young woman who sneeringly re-
marks that men are all alike, generally
shows her sincerity by taking the frat man
that offers himself to her Boston Tran
script.
I" Is this your first appearance in Court
of justice % asked the Austin Recorder of
vagrant, mo, Judge, it is the last
time thus far--how is it with yourself p
Texas Siftings.
Pa, what kind of whisky do the doc
TORS prescribe :" Monongahealy, my
son, MouoDgahealy. You shouldn't try
your experienced old father with such
easy ones. "-[Courier Journal.
! say, ma, exclaimed a little mink of
iS' :" DO you know what the pyrotechnical
remedy IL for crying infant % "Gracious
goodness me No, never heard of such
'nlng !! Well, ma, it's rocket %
Oscar Wilde is said to have pronounced
MISS Alsatia Allen, of Montgomery, Ala,
the most beautiful young lady he had ever
seen In the United States. We don't know
what friend of AIS started this story
Boston Post.
Market house logic: Spring chickens
are chickens Matched in the spring. Hens
refuse to set except in the spring; there.
fore, all chickens are Matched in the spring.
Ergo, all chickens are spring chickens
philadelphia News.
An old " bach wanted to get even with
the widows of Williamsport, Pa, who had
gosslped about him, and so he lett them
500, 600 IN his will. He knew they'd fight
over 1t until the last dollar went to the
awyers.-[Dstroit Free Press.
When the wife of candidate begins al.
ready to pay back tea and coffee borrowed
SIX years ago, it may be set down as
liked fact that her husband will make the
race, even if he fails to get the regular
party nomination. 4 Texas Sifsings.
Very low. necked, short. sleeve dresses ara
IN vogue again at the summer resorts. If
tine fair wearers are shre&d they can get a
moral man for husband Tor die old maids)
SIMPLY by refusing to marry anyone who
can look at them without -blushing.
PhLA 4tCnbs
A scientific Journal tells us that little
bird, the red-tail, has been seen 10 catch
nine hundred flies in an hour. If any red
tail who happens to see this paragraph is
out OF employment just now it can find
good situation, at remunerative wages, in
any town in Iowa. Iowa State Register.
She sent him back his pretty ring,
IN which was set ,litaire,
And babe the bearer of the same
Tell MIN to cautiously beware
OF coming hence within her reach
As she found out he did disclose
To certain members of her 6 set
That she'd pimple on her nose %
The Judge.
Heard at a summer hotel: 81 under.
stand that tie arrivals have been rather
slim SO far" "Sliml l should say so.
Every mothers son of them have been
these long, thin fellows, who seem to be
hollow ell the way through, and they eat
more than half dozen fat men. l will be
bankrupt If this thing keeps Ill hila-
delphia News.
A rival Of Oscar Wilde has appeared in
London, and is drawing crowds to his es.
thetic lectures. He goes in for knicker.
rockers and stockings, no shirt fronts. no
coat tails and no pockets. Ii he comes TO
this country he'll soon feel the need of
pockets, IN which to put the thousands of
collars the idiots here will pay to hear him
lecture. -[Norristown Herald.
Don't you have any school here?"
Had a kind of school here last chowder
season. but the teacher was too willing"
How go? ooh, some of the blue
fishers asked him if he taught that the
world was round or square, and he said
seem as nc was outen job he'd teach her
round or square, jest as the school board
wanted 1t teached. Said it was inmate
rial. ~ New York Star.
a Missouri paper wants to know "wbo
can endure being hawked at with the
black beak OF envy ?" No one, sir. No
man can tamely submit to such thing.
And II ever any man hawks at us with the
black beak OF envy, Wen bite him with
dog. II the liyid talons of retri5ution smits
us with the red bolt of vengeance from the
dripping jaws of the cloud of hate the next
minute. Yes, sir Burlington Hawkeye.
A Virginia lady caught her husband in
the acc of kissing pretty colored girl who
has recently been employed as nurse. She
said nothing to him, but summoning the
girl before her that evening, asked =
!" What were you doing with Mr.. B. when
saw you this morning. Eliza % 60 Muffin"
was the truthful answer. every well.
then, continued her mistress impatiently.
g what was he doing to you - II dunno,
deed don't, missus, but it was heap
nicer than lasses. ri Brooklyn Eagle.
A Londoner who lately crossed from
Canada to Ogdensburg asked his hack.
driver as to the population and form of
government. g osSsnsburg. On being in
formed that it was an Incorporated city,
the chief officer of which was Mayor, ho
inquired "And does the Mayor wear the
insignia Of office ?" Insignia-.whas',
tbat?" asked the astonished hickman.
"Why, chain about his neck" exclaimed
the cockney. ooh, bless ysi, TO-" re.
sponded the other; ''he's perfectly harm
less, and goes about loose. ~ Boston Sun.
day Budget.
Do you publish jokes ?" asked a sol.
emn looking young man, depositing thick
roll of manuscript On the editors desk.
(" It's part of our business" amiably re-
turned the brain-thresheT, without raising
his eyes from his work. '1I've got lot Of
'em here" continued the visitor, and
you're welcome ts ssaa IL you'll promise to
publish EN- in conspicuous place" "All
right, added the scribe !; ''set 'em down
and well serve MP With our patent med
icine notices. The customers don't seem
to mind it, and we always find that the
company OF patent medicine advertise.
ment gives joke a big lift. II Brooklyn
Eagle.
You cay your brother was hung In
Texas 2" queried the smooth faced man as
he turned in his chair. Eyes" answered
the chap with the melancholy look. "Ex-
cuse my impudence, but-you see-you
isnow--that is, I'm lawyer and would
like to know the charge" ssThey hung
poor Tom on technicality of law"
=" They did, Ell? wish I'd been retained
as his counsel. Some outrageous ruling of
the Court, no doubt? ?" We'll. dunno;
Tom owned up to stealing the mule. and
the only trouble was 20 account for the
man WIN got in his way as he was riding
off. Tom couldn't prove that the man died
of consumption, and so the Court called it
murder. ~ Wall Street News.
SHE DoEs HER OwS WoRK.-Does her
own work ? Does she? What of it? Is
it any disgrace? Is she any less a true
woman, less worthy of respect. than she
who sits in silks and satins and is vain of
fingers that never labor? We listened to
a person the Other day who, speaking of
wife, said sneeringly. "Ohl
she does her own work" The words, and
the tone of contempt in which they were
uttered, betokened narrow, ignoble mind,
better fitted for any place than a country
whose institutions rest on honorable, labor
as one of the CHEF corner-stones They
evinccd false idea of the true basis of so.
c,at,, of the trtre yor1aahocd ~ o,ar,,,ro