Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1882-12-08
WIT AND IIJNIOR.


An exchange prints instructions for "s,uf.
fling an elephant" As few families are too
poor to keep two or three elephants on hand.
the instructions referred to will be very use
| full
1t costs only from $4,000 to $40, 900 year
to keep yacht. So any one can see that
the reason editors do not keep yachts is not
because they are too expensive.
woman down country, we are told, saw
| long article in newspaper headed "a
Minister'S Escape" She read the column
nail through with avidity before she discov-
eicd That he simply escaped death by taking
somebody's 'Purabolic Liver Pills, or some
thlng That way-and then she was Disguised.
inc word "barnum" is used in Europe
WIN small ~ as common noun Its
meaning will be readily guessed.
Du Chaiilu, the traveller has been recently
Iccturlng on Lapland. lie says that in every
church there IS special room pro vded for
babies VINO wish to cry during the service.
and right good idea It is, too
Western woman nearly blind, cooked
some gnnpowder in quantity Of out meal.
The whole family died except a boy, and he
IS SO iull OF the compound that his aunt
won't let lin 60 near the fire for fear he'll
so oil.
An Albany man who was worth 800 600
ten years ago, and who refused the nomina.
ton for May or, now puts in his time in the
street car stables at one dollar day. In
thls country 1t is dangerous to refuse any,
thing.
| Dentists have not yet Leen able to make
what is known us the sweet tooth" such as
| gives children desire for taffy.-Ne,o Dr.
teams Picayuae
| The Prince of Wales fasors placing bust
OF Longfclow in Westminster Abbey, hui
has never read his poems. Albert Edward
/, always ~ favor Of bust, ON principle
LoreH citizen.
1t is during these days of business that a
clergyman, on selecting Il chapter of the
Bible TO read in church, first looks at the
end OF the last verse to make sure that no
patent medicine advertisement is hitched on.
Puck.
Against the Grain. Widow woman ITO
| chemist who was wei Ching grain Of caomcl
IN dispensing aprcscrlptiOn for her sick child
MAN, yc medina be sac schrlmpy wit
is for puIr iatherless BARN .'-London
Puach.
5, A. A., st. Elmo, III. "Would you
kindly state in your next paper what could
DC done to Il man who Oiten comes home IN
an incbriatcd condition, and uses very abu
sivc language 10 his wife Z" We would sur-
get that he could be cnticed into AM lcy
some dark night and pounded with club. or
his head could be held ind r BUMP aud
some cold water pumped down the back of
ms neck. Lots OF things we might suggest
that You might do to him, but We would adj.
wise you tc let him alone. for if you inter.
trrp with linn his mich initt-.I ,,;C, ,,,,,,
suddenly become very much devoted TO the
scpnndreI and make ii very hot for YOU
I,riS SytiHgs
Herr Professors first and last appearance
at Mrs. Ponsonby lie Tompkns's Herr
Professor with sudden impulse. to ducal
amateur, whom he was accompanying in
Deeper and deeper still'D jake HINTS.
my talen,ful yooug vrcmt hat ncfrtr pc
fore heart that noplc rccidaiccf znng 50 vcll
10 esgschbrcss ze vorrls - Ducal amateur
who occasionally sings little out Of tune)--
"A--you-a-ilatter me, | fear - Herr
Professor-"Ach,n no. Wy, you commenced
it more or less in b, yuu sondinucd il ZONE
where about B-vlat, and YOU vinisht it almost
IN y and all &c While vass blayinr the
aggombauiment inc Now, Eat is ''Tecper
aud teeper schtill,' and no mischdakc Jake
hants " The witty professor is very proud
of his Fiddle pid Of yun.' and always
wondering Wy Eat schveet Mrs. Bunscnpy
tc Dombgyns has gombleody tropped him :"
London Puach.
A Wolf who had q dispute with a Hyena
determined to destroy him, and therefore
went TO the Lion fer advice set a tran for
him, the reply, ''and when you have caught
him, cat him The Wo,f went away and
laid n snare beside the path often travcr,ed
by his enemy, but just As he was cackling
Of Jeff in,,h a a.
himself ard was held fast. In this emer-
gency along came the Lion, who called on,
by George but what's all this 2" IL IN
last in my own trap, humbly replied the
Wolf. 80 see. | came out here expect
ing to help you eat tine Ilyena but, as the
case now stands | shall help the Hyena cat
you.' But set this trap by your ADVICE
protested the Wolf True YOU did, and
advised your enemy TO set one for you rs
well. Odds is the difference 10 me whether
| eat Wolf or Hyena.' Moral-The lawyer
gets his pay, no matter how the suit goes
Detroit Free Press.
Negro minstrels claim that they get a ma.
jorlty of their jokes from the newspapers
This is rather rough on the press but il the
public can stand it, we can.-N. Y. Com
meycial -1drertiser.
Bacon has said that recalling makes fnll
adopted the plan of Supplying their custom.
ers with morning papeis.-.Ne,c Orleans Pr
cdyuae.
Now that the chilly winds of Autumn are
blowing cold across the moor, the Thoughtful
road agent has begun to warm the Leadvie
sIaIc-colch passengers by covering them
with revolvers. York Commercial Id
rertiser
Rallying. Doctor ,sotto voce to his col
league 1--WE must reduce the fever and
a6alc the thirst" Patient twho had over
heard III you'll redooce the fever, gentle.
men-l'll udtake-to nbatc the thirst my
shclf!"-Loadon Puacl.
President Ga'tields physicians say they
would rather wait one hundied years for the
amount of their claims than 10 cut them
down one-hat and receive the money at once
No doubt the Government can stand it if they
can.- N0rristora Ne,aM
passage from Chca 20 speech by En-.
cry \. StOirs 1--WE must put the city #
our soul where 1t belongs away upon those
shining cminences, where, ROBBED in white
aud throncd above the clouds, it shall be
bathed in the perpetual sunshine OF an eternal
fame" Imagine Chicago, with its fifty thou
sand saloons stuck ON hill and all painted
Fhi1d.klphia Noes.
AT Charleston met man from bingham
on, n. y, who was agent Tor some sort If
cotton machinery, and almost the first thing
he asked me was, "llow do You manage with
he hotel walters - "Why, | have to fee
hem of course" "Th.t shows how green
you are. am going TO stop here -four days
md | won't pay EN- a cent" Then You
won't get much service" Il wont, Oh
Well, You just watch me and learn II thing or
wo. See thaty' 1t was n lead half-lollar
realty covered with gold, and at first glance
I seemed TO be a twenty dollar gold piece.
When the New Workers. trunk came up stairs
md the two darkies fingered around Tor n
quarter apiece, that "iwenty" appeared to
view, and he said Smallest I've got to day