Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1882-03-18

Mark Twain Writes Another Piece
Under the Above Title.

4
the editors table, crossed hfs mighty
brogans, aimed at distant fiy
from crevice in his upper teeth,
laid him low, and said, with com.
pOSure
"Who's the boss ?"
"Pm the boss" said the editor,
following this curious bit of archi-
lecture wonderingly along no TO its
clock face with his eye.
Don't want anybody to learn the
business-'taint likely pr
"Well, i don't know. Would
you like to learn it?"
"P'aps so; pa, he can't run me no
mo-, so want to git show soIners
If l can, 'tain't no difference what.
Pm strong and hearty, and / won't
turn my back on no kind OF work ,
hard or soft"
"Do you think you would like to
learn the printing business ?"
"Well L don't rely keer a darn
what do learn, SOS git a chance
iur to make my way. lust as soon
learn printin's anything"
"Can you read ?"
"Yes-middlin."
"Write?"
"Well, Pve seed people could lay
over me thar"
"Gpher 2"
mot good enough to keep store,
l don't reckon but at twelve times
twelve amt no slouch. 'Tother
side of that is what gifts me-"
where's your homer"
"Pm from old Shelby"
What's your fathers religious de-
nomination ?''
"EIim? Oh, he's a blacksmith" !"
"No, mol don't mean his trade.
What's his religious denomina-
ton ?r
"Oh, | didn't understand you
befo'. He's q Freemason."
"No, no-you don't get my
meaning yet. What 1 mean IS,
does he belong TO any church ?"
"Now you're talkin'! Couldn't
make out what you was a-trying to
git through yo' head no way. Be
long to a church? Why, he's the
pizenest kind Of Free-will Baptist
for forty years. There amt no
pizener ones N what he is. II they
said diffrunt they wouldn't say Il
whar | wur-not much, they
wouldn't"
"What's your religion ?"
"Well, boss, you've kind o. got
me thar"
"What is your name%
"Nicodemus Dodge"
81 think maybe you'll do, Nico-
demus; We'll give you trial any
way"
"All right"
"When would you like to begin?'
"Now."
So within ten minutes after we
had first glimpsed this nondescript,
he was one of US, and with his coat
off and hard at it.
Beyond the end of our establish
ment, which was furthest from
the street, was a deserted garden,
pathless and thickly grown up with
blooming and villainous ,jimpson'
weed and its common friend, the
stately sunflower. In the midst of
this nournful spot was n decayed
and aged little frame house with
but one room, one window and no
ceiling +; 1t had been smoke house a
generation before. Nicodemus was
given this lonely and ghostly den
as a bed-chamber.
The village smarties recognized o
treasure in Nicodemus right away
IA butt to play jokes on. 1t was
easy to see that he was inconceiva-
bly, green and confiding. George
Jones had the honor of porpetrating
the first joke on him he gave him
a cigar with a firecracker in IL, and
winked to the crowd to come the
thing exploded presently and swept
away the bulk Of Nicodemus' brows
and eye-lashes. He simply said:
81 consider these kind o. seeg'-
yars dangersome," and seemed 10
suspect nothing. The next evening
he waylaid George and poured q
bucket of ice water over him.
One day while Nicodemus was
swimming, Tom McElroy tied his
clothes. Nicodemus made bon
fire of Toms by way OF retaliation.
A third joke was played on NicO-
demus a day or two later. He
walked up the middle aisle of the
village church Sunday night with a
staring hand bill pinned between
his shoulders. The joker spent the
remainder Of the night after church
in a cellar of a deserted house, ana
sat on the cellar door
till toward breakfast time to make
sure that the prisoner remembered
that, If any noise was made, rough
treatment would be the conse-
quence. The cellar had two feet of
stagnant water in IL, and was bot
toned with six inches of mud.
Before very long time had
elapsed, the village smarties began
to feel an uncomfortable conscious
ness of not having made a very
success out of their attempts
ON the simpleton from 'Old Shelby
grew scarce and chary.
Now the young doctor came to the
rescue. There was delight and APP
plause when he proposed to scare
to death, and explained
how he was going to do it. He had
n noble new skeleton-the skeleton
of the late and only local celebrity,
Jimmy Finn, the village drunkard
"a grisly piece Of property which
il6 ndu DOukut Va JlnAiliiC IT Anh
at auction, for $50, under
great competition, when Jimmie
lay very sick i'm the lanyard a
fortnight before his death. The $50
had gone promptly for whisky, and
had considerably hurried up the
change of ownership in the skeleton.
The doctor would put Jimmie Firms
skeleton in Nicodemus' bed.
This was done-about 1870, in the
evening. About Nicodemus, usual
d-time- midnight - the village
iukers came creeping steAlthy
through the Jimson' weeds and
toward the lonely frame
den. They reached the window
and peeped in. There sat the long
legged pauper on his bed, in very
short shirt and nothing more. He
was dangling his legs contentedly
back and forth, and wheeling the
music of 'CamptOn Races out of a
paper overlaid comb which he was
pressing against his mouth by him
lay jewsharp, new top, solid
India rubber ball, a handful OF
painted marbles, five pounds Of
Store candy, a well gnawed slab OF
as big and as thick as q
volume Of sheet music. He had
sold the skeleton to a travelling
quack for 50, and was enjoying the
result.
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