Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1882-09-13
SPICE AND ALlSPlCE,

When little CROSS.
Our annual quotation from Josh Bill
ings: "Darn a fi."
A "MooNL1aHT engagement in
Egypt. How romantic!
DANCING may improve your carriage
somewhat, but it's no valuable accom-
plishment for the horse.
A LITTLE fellow asked his mother if
silks grew. He had probably heard of
the gros grain silk.-P .iladelphia Bsl-
letin.
A KENTUCKY editor is in q dilemma.
It is not how to dispose Of his edition,
but whether the profits on the sale of his
old exchanges will pay for the next is
sue.
Four brothers named Burnett recently
married four sisters named Berry.
This happened in Tennessee, where tho
berry crop rs unusually choice and plen-
tiful.
WHY ought wicked people to go car
riage driving often Because it fire.
quently admonishes them them to
"keep to the right. "-Phi1adelphia
Item.
AMERICAN compositors are not the
only ones who make mistakes. The
London Telegraph reports Mr.. Glad
stone as saying that he had "sat at
ham," instead of the Gamaliel of Bir-
mingham.
A NEW YORK man says he keeps chops
and steaks for several days in the hottest
weather by burying them in meal.
Meal is good thing in any weather for
steaks and chops. We more particular
~ refer Just now to the morning NEAL
D0abury Ne,Os.
A LITTLE lady of two and half years
had picked up cane in the corner was
playing with ia plain stick bent at the
end. Papa asked. "What are you do
ing with the cane ?" "It isn't cane."
"What is it, then?" "It's an umbrella
without any clothes on it,
"WHAT will do with my hens if they
do not lay?" Let them get into your
neighbor's garden among the vegetables.
If they do not lay, the neighbor will
probably lay for them. The only trouble
nbout this method is the hens are laid
out 80 soon.-Iec0s Ssftinqs.
Two little girls were playing with
kitten, when Ella inquired: Chow is
your little girl to-daye" "She's sick
wifi scarlet fever" replied Lulu.
"What's her name?'' Lulu hesitated
a moment and then said: "One day I
put some camphor Oh her nose and it
stiuged so dat I call her 'Smarty.'"
"No, SIR" said DR.. Jalap, II
wouldn't have that apple-tree cut down
for money" "But you never get any
fruit from it," argued Brown; "the boys
steal all the apples before they are Ea]f
ripe." "Thatis just it." replied the
doctor, with quiet smile; ''that tree
stands me in good thousand every
season. ."-Boston Transcript.
The ancient Greeks used to call the
cook an 6 sarchimagirus," and his salary
was $4,000 year. And even now it
isn't at all certain that the ancient cooks
possessed the modern secret of frying
piece OF liver so that it curls up like
sun-burnt shoe sole, and you can draw
blood in the middle and strike fire on the
edges of t.-Bur1iegtoa Hasukeye.
"1'xR lost patient" said a doctor,
sitting down TO boarding g-house dinner
table, with a frown on his face as dark
as gunpowder pou1tice. am sorry
to hear !. Man or woman ?" asked one
of the boarders. "Man." "When did he
die?" "Die! Hang him, he's not dead.
He stopped taking my medicine, got
we'll and ran away without paying the
bill. "-Ark0,as0s Traveller.
HUNDREDS of thousands of men die
annually from strong drink.-Kansas
Prohsb;tionists. We never undertake
to eriticise any other editor, but we do
not believe that any man can die annu-
ally. Annually means every year, and
no man can die every year for any great
length of time, unless he has great deal
of practice and experence.-Teras Ssft-
ings.
A Cnc1NNAT1society reporter has mys-
teriously disappeared, and foul play is
suspected, although it is possible tina
he is hiding somewhere in the Rocky
Mountains, as he was well supplied with
railroad passes. His last article was an
account of the marriage of q pork-pack-
er's daughter, in which report he used
the term "sweu wedding" 1t came
out in the papers "swil wedding
Philadelphia News.
THE Louisville Courier has fallen into
philosophical and politico economical
mood with the following attempt to de-
fine pessimism and optimism: "a pes
simist is one who takes the surplus kit
tens. Just after they are born, and chloro-
forms them. The optimist is one who
let's the kittens grow up, to live 9
wretched, starving life; to be tortured
continually by boys and other thought
less animals, and to be finally killed with
brickbats and left to rot on the street. "
PLANTATION philosophy: Remember,
voting man, dat de bes' frien yer's got
on dis earth is better frien' ter himself
den he is ter you.-Pay no 'tention ter q
man by de boasts what he makes.
Thunder doan all de time tell OBJ q comm
rain.-Doan turn q man outen de ranks
oh respectability kase he's coward. A
hound dog amt much on de fight, but
he's a mighty useful animal. al.-While
nature was foolin' away her time paint.
in different colors an stripes on dc
l. horns oh de jack-snappers an udde1
bugs, I doan see why she didn't con
trive some easier way for chile to cut
teeth. .'-Ark0nsa,V Traveller. =,
SOME of 'em are very like Cousin Johl
Thrasher's man who told him he wantet
to be doorkeeper, but Cousin John hae
promised to vote for another feller ant
;. SO to get rid Of him he says: "Why
Jim, did you ever keep q door Z
"No," says he. "Did you ever stud,
: a book on keeping door? No,
: says he. "Did you ever see anybod,
= keep door - g I never did, says he
~ g Well, did you ever attend lectures i
Augusta OF anywhere on how to keep
d door 2" ..Of course not, :" says ht
|, 8 Well, my dear sir, you had better 8
y back home and prepare yourself by th
n next session and I'll vote for you. =
Blu Arp, in Atla,sta ConstitsstsoH