The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-09-09
THE PARAGRAPH FIEND.
An old composer-A dun sermon.

Freddie (who has never seen catcher's
mask before)-"Papa, would they take that
man to the pound II he wasn't muzzledT
A great many duels would meet with
short stop II the authorities would announce
In advance that they would not interfere.
The farmer In the grassy field
Doth make the fragrant hay,
And as he pauses in his work
Sings roundelay.
Oh, why does he around the barn
So suddenly retirey
A bee hath climbed his trousers leg
He's putting out the fire.
A Williamsburg debating society is nerving
itself up to wrestle with the question, when
a woman and a mouse meet, which is the
most frightened"
at Is not necessary for man to be poor to
be honest" Certainly not. But 1t seems
sort o. half way necessary for man to be
poor II he is honest. Quiz
In view OF the manifold iniquities of the
Mormons their demand before the Tariff
Commission for protection on birthstone will
strike all Christians in tho Eastern States as
singularly appropriate.
A man in Lynn, Mass, has just paid for
pane Of glass which he broke when boy,
thirty-two years ago. He had become tired
of waiting for glass to cheapen.-Detroi Free
Press.
The ice.cream seasons dying;
The maidcns now are signing;
The swells are sadly buying
The fruit that's on the shell.
Tho crirIs ore trulv showinp
The young men with them going
They can't stand any blowing,
But must be treated well.
English naturalists have Just discovered
that the English sparrow picks the eyes out
Of the young OF other birds. The more one
learns about the English sparrow, the less
good one can say OF him. We believe he eats
onions and sucks cows.-Bur. Hapkeye.
Owing to the faculty which the British
have OF dividing the Irish (diyide imperd) the
"skirmish fund.-" piglike, has taken the
wrong direction, and at this moment is de-
stroying Fenianism instead OF the British
government. AS an Irishman remarked, in
the meeting of contributors on Monday eve
ming in New York, otis only another in
stance Of scything for salmon--the would
be slayer Of the fish cuts Off his own head"
POETIC POLITICS.
Ten little navy clerks, sassy, fat and-fne--
One failed to Hubbell up, then there were
nine.
Nine blackmal payers laughing at fate
One was Democrat then there were eight.
Eight true Republicans still left alive
Three were proven half-breeds, then there
were five!
Five trusty stalwarts fearing nothing more
One lost his congressman, then there were
four.
Four soid-backed men, solid as could be-
Long came Chandler cousin, then there
were three.
Three Chandler relatives, stalwarts every one,
Up stepped constable, then there were
none.
No little navy clerks left on the hooks
Three big deficits in their little books.
boston Pilot.
There are many men of great sclf-impor-
lance, and to such Burdette, of the Hd,ckeye,
offers this consolation eyes, my boy, there
are 200, 600 people in this country. And
you are only one Of them. just one. Think
of that, once in a while when you get to won
dering what would happen to the world il
you should die"
A writor In tho Naw York E.."s.;-,g, lie libol
Gus in comparing the squash bug and kero-
sene when he says: From some personal
experience We are persuaded that rags soak
ed in kerosene oil and fastened to sticks in
the hills of squash vines will not prove pro-
lection against squash bugs. We rather
think, on the contrary, that the odor OF the
oil attracts and encourages them. 1t is ever
so much pleasanter than the smell of the
bugs themselves.
WESTERN MAUD MULLER.
Miss Muller, so the gossips say,
Flirted in quite shameless way;
But Maud, with laugh, pronounced it fudge,
Yet we caught her wink at the ratty Judge.
And the Judgc-but we mention this sub rose,
Blushed up to the roots of his dubious nose
Still he craned his neck, and, in passing by,
Gave a sinister wink with his dexter eye.
Quoth Maud to herself as on she passed,
"I'ye his royal nibs in tow at last;
any mother shall wear sealskin sacque-
My pa swing out in his broadcloth black:
'.My brother shall sip his whisky skins,
And my sister revel in gay breastpins"
Quoth the Judge, as he sauntercd listess on,
"She's rafting Cyril; you bet I'm gone!
"No doubt my last wife's ma will kick,
And my heirs cut up the very Nick;
"But, tho I've known her short, short spell,
You bet I'll have her in spite of'-well,
No matter his word-'twas short and stout,
And the name of place that's now played
out
According to Beecher. Alack for ALL
The maid and the Judge meier welded at all;
For he passed in his checks from too much
And the maid grew long, and lank, and thin,
And exc, as her chances glimmered away,
She ceased to tlirt and began to pray.
God pity the maid, and pity the Judge,
And these days Of twaddle, and bosh, and
fudge;
For, of all sad words from heart bereft,
The saddest are these: "You bet Pm left!'
-DenEer Tribune
A CoIored Man Insulted.
GLOW much do 1 owe you for cleaning
out the cistern?" asked Colonel Perry
Yergcr of Sam Johnsing, an Austin col
ored man.
"You owes me quarter for going down
4