The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-07-01
WIT AND HUM0R,

A HC 1AOuGdu1 cIl1CiA Us SWG6L IN
any other name.
TWAS Longfellow who slyly described
the lady as wearing flowers ION the con
gregation side of her bonnet
Advice to wives-Man is very much
like an egg keep him in hot water and
he Is bound to become hardened
s.Never put off till tomorrow bio.
| graphy that you can hire man to write
to-day. W r. Storey.
Sarah Bernhardt's theatrical exclama.
ton on welcoming her new husband
was; ITO arms he comes; the Greek
] the Greek -
She (encouragingly) ..Yeur ster
snits mine exactly He (nervously1 -
$50 glad to hear you say so; know
am such a bad Walter"
What is this man charged with?''
asked the judge. with whisky, yer
honor" replied the sententious police
man.
Where are our girls?' anxiotsly in
quires areligious exchange. We don't
know. We can't keep track of all the
girls in creation.
A Vassar college miss reads the pray
erbook response thus: "As it was in the
beginning. is now, and ever shall be,
world without men. Ala, mep'
Young lady, examining some bridal
wells; Can you recommend this one?o
Over Jealous shopman: 'sOhi yes, miss.
1t may be used several times"
A mother, who fondly put the query
to her yonng son. What would You do
without mother, TomP'' was dunn
founded with the reply: do as like,
ma"
BY shimminy! how dot poy studies
GRAMMAR was the remark of a German
when his son called him knock kneed
pigeon-toed, seven-sided, glazed-eyed
son of s;lw-horse.n
How to Secure Good Husbands is
the title of an article in the New York
Herald, but as long as young ladies know
at what time trains leave for Chicago
the necessity for such an article is not
apparent.
Eugene, Eugenie, viii You still insist
on wearing the hair of another woman
upon your headP'' ..Alphonse, Al
phonse, do you still insist upon wearing
the skin Of another calf upon your
feet?''
Sophia (sentimentaHy) dearly love
to listen to the ticking of clock. It
seems to me that clock has n language
of its own, Mr.. sSmart-Yes. Sophia;
the clock has a language you might say
a dialect.
Two housemaids strolling past brio
a-brac shop paused to look at two chan
deliers in the window fine eighteen
branehed one and one of three branches
(Which do you Ike better?' said the
n Al. Is
said the veteran; sit is easier cleaned"
Eyes, this must be the ladies' cabin
said young lady to her friend, as they
halted at the door of the cabin of a Full.
ton ferry-boat, and peered iHquisitiyely
in. Why do you think sop doubling
~ asked the other. 80. because there
are so many men in it." was the ans
wer st
Uncle Ed entered the house of an an
Gent maiden lady staid, tidy and dis
Greet without wiping his feet The
offended spinster exclaimed, ttDid you
YES m,". said Uncle Eb; land intend |
to use it when l go out
Scene in dental office: Present, a |
dentist, and his pastor in the chair
Dentist Quitting piece of rubber over
JttoDtI J--ANoN- IOF Il ALI 70
ing to Birdie you. Pastor-An right! II
will keep my mouth with a bride while
the wicked is before me-
Mrs. Malloy -Shure, Mrs. McGinnis,
an IT'S rather poorly you're lookin' this
mornin'. Mrs. McGinnis -4lndade, thin,
Mrs. Malley, an it's good raison I'm
having to look poorly. Here's the post
man just been to the door to tell me
there's a dead letter waitn' fur me at
the post-oflice. an / can't fur the life of
me think who it is that s dead.
Old Slobson was raking in the front |
yard, yesterday, when he noticed q boy /
gazing through the picket fence in |
most earnest manner. What are you |
loingP'' asked the old man. Watch
ng the Rake's' Progress replied the |
BOY, as he lodged just in time.
Puck: Now that ladies' b0nnets are |
made of glass such remarks rs these will |
tall on our ears: George, dear, i think /
gou might get me a cut-glass bonnet |
ike Mrs. Sprouts. instead of making |
ne wear this horrible thing made Of /
common lager-beer glass. y /
At the close of the dinner of the late
Dean of Ely's guest happened to re-
mark that six eminent lawyers had died
N six months At that minute the Dean,
yery deaf, rose and said: For these and
Ill other mercies Gods holy name be
1raised.n Perhaps the Dean isn't SO
leaf as he lets on to be.
Love strikes snag: The pencilled
light of the evening star was CHANGING
through the foliage at the easement as
he bent toward him and said, You re-
member that exquisite stanza of Tenny-
on's commencing. Trust me, Clara
Tere de VereP' - Eyes, yes he ans
vered, eagerly; II remember; but she
wouldn't do it; her father was a pawn
,roker.'' And their souls took different
,aths from that night.
A truckman lost something on the
idewalk, and, procuring lantern, be-
ran poking about in the snow in search
# it. And phwat are you lookin' af-
herP" asked an Irishman who was pass
ng. well, Pat" replied the searcher,
Il We lost my character and am trying
o find it. 'sBegorra, thin said the
rishman, s'but yes must be a fule to look
or so shmall thing as yer character
rid such a dim Ioight as that
A gentleman was relating to a friend
ow party of young fellows got full at
wedding. He said one of them went
y stairs just braiding. The friend
aid, We'll, what in the world is braid
ng? That is new one on me. The
nan who was telling the story said:
You don't know what braid is. eh9 He
Fas braiding three strands, two strands
n r