The Russellville Democrat., 1882-05-18
HUMOROUS.

Onions" It is needless. They speak for themselves.-Cleveland Herald.
 Chicago is to add 50 policemen to her force. Now the few we'll behav- ed citizens of that town will have to look out for themselves.-Boston Post.
 Riches have wings, but the wings on the young lady's hat do not nec- essarily imply fabulous wealth on the part of the wearer.--Boston Transcript.
 Two men in Norwich have been fined $20 each for forcing boy to drink whisky. The penalty seems severe, but Norwich is determined to guard against wilful waste.--Dan- bury News.
 Ten years ago lightning struck mule in a little town in this state. and It is noted as a remarkable fact that lightning has not struck within 90 miles of that place since.-Phila- delphia News.
 Several new motors for propelling horse cars are being invented. They are really not needed. If you want to make horse car travel fast, sig. nal the driver that you want to get on board.-Texas Siftings.
 The great social mania is to have one's hand photographed. But when a man holds fours and fails to get q bet, he doesn't want his hand photo graphed. d.--Pittsburg Commercial Ga zette.
 Says the Albany Argus: "Great truths are often sad in the fewest words" Do you mean the remark of the Indian, who sitting upon q wasp's nest, arose and remarked, "Heap hell?'--Boston Post.
 Never go into a newspaper office to shoot the editor. If you do you had better take your coffin along. Many editors have skeletons in their closets, and it Is no uncommon thing for ghosts" to be found about the haunts of printers.
 The editor of Virginia paper was asked by stranger if it was possible that that little town kept up four newspapers, and the reply was No; it takes four newspapers to keep up the town"
 Mother had cut her little daugh ter's hair, to make Ga bang" Sur veying her own work she said: Bes- sic, yesterday you looked as if you had no sense; today you look as if your mother had none."
 There are five Sundays in this month, and when a schoolboy wants to know why there are not five Sat urdays as well, you might as well hire him to go away. Explanations won't fetch him.--Detroit Free Press.
 "Pm no sectarlan," sad Job Shut tie, as he grew warm in religious ar gument. "I believe every man ought to be strict Presbyterian;" and then he looked around in wonder as an audible smile waited into the evening air.--New Haven Register.
 Exchange: "Where do people gc who deceive their fellow menw in- quired q Sunday school teacher. Sometimes to Canada, but mostly they goes to Europe" was the reply of youngster whose uncle had re- gently been a trusted officer in To. cal bank.
 What the neighbors say: First neighbor--'Look here, that boy of yours has completely destroyed my garden, dod blast his ugly picture" Second neighbor-''Well, l am very sorry. It shan't occur again." First neighbor-"Shan't occur again." We'll, sir, if it does occur again, my boot will occur to those coat-tails of yoursn'
 A young man who thought he had won the heart and now asked the hand in marriage of q certain young widow, was asked by her, What is the difference between myself and Mir. Baxley' Durham cow?" He nat urally replied, "Well, I don't know" "Then," sad the widow, "you had better marry the COW" w."-Brooklyn Gazette
 "But why did you leave your last placer" asked Mrs. Brown. "Och, num-" replied the young person, with toss of her shapelsss head, "they was that there was no livin' wid lem. If you'll believe it, mum, twas only yister that I wint intlll the parlor and there was two of the gurruls a-playin on one peeany, and their father rich enough to buy a dozen and niyer fale it"--Boston Transcript.
 Last Sunday evening Boston di- vine suddenly paused somewhat near the close of his sermon and said: We would all be glad if that young man in the vestibule would come inside and satisfy himself whether she is, or is not, here. That would be much better than keeping half-inch draft on the occupants of the back pew" And in the solemn silence that followed, the congrcga- tion could hear a sound outside as of