News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-07-20
WIT AND WISDOM.

seems TO me you are near enough
already"
A VERY rich man said t: 81 worked
like a slave till I was forty years Old to
make my fortune, and have been watch
: ing it like a detective ever since, for my
lodging, food, and clothes"
A sUTLER has applied for pension,
on account of injuries received during
the late war. Probably he strained
himself in charge. Many of them
were dangerously exposed IN that way
when lean cheese cost S1.75 pound,
live weight burlington HaOAeye.
"AH," he exclaimed, as he pressed
her tenderly to him at parting, "shall
hold you in these arms again to-mor-
/ row, and paint our future with the
bright pigments of the Imagination ?.
"No," she said, calply, "not to-mor-
row; to-morrow's washing-day.
, "I FEEL I am growing old, says the
lady, mincingly, to her guests. "for
, really am beginning to lose my hair. "
{Of course she has bushels of it, and it
is as black IS ravens wing) "Then,
ma" excIaims her little child, with the
innocent franlxness OF infancy, "why
don't you lock mp the drawer when you
put it away at night ?"
An observing student of human na-
ture says there is nothing in this vide
world that makes yodng man crazier
than, after arriving at a party with
young lady, whom he has got there at
considerable expense, to have soma old
bald headed individual get her off into
a corner and talk to her all the evening
on the pecuharities OF the Gulf Stream.
THEY were speaking about cranial de-
formities down at the corner grocery
last evening. 81 hold" said a fly
young man, "that man with big
head is just as apt to be a durnel fool
as man with small head" "rrUe."
replied an elderly man who was held
ing down the cover to the sugar barrel,
"but he generally knows it and don't
give himself away"
| A YoUNasTFR, on passing the old
| homestead from which the family had
been removed for some time, and which
the lad had often had pointed out to
| him as the house in which he and his
little brothers had been born, on seeing
it removed preparatory to the erection
of new one, surveyed in silence for
few moments the changed scene, and
then said pathetleaily, "Oh, papa, we
weren't born anywhere now, we're we %
TIE sermon was dulIer than usual,
and it was only here and there that a
fully wide.awake member Of The congre-
cation could be seen, when q little fell
low, whose uneasy twi5tings had aroused
his father from comfortable nap,
piped up, in q clearly audible voice;
Spa, what do we have to stay here for?"
That simple childish question injected
more animation into the members of
the church on that one evening than
the pastor had aroused during his en-
tire ministry.
SPEAK GENTLY.
Speak gently to the herring, aud kindly to the
calf,
Be blithesome with the bunny, at barnacles
don't laugh
Give nuts unto tue monkey and buns unto the
bear,
Never hint at currant jelly if you chance to
meet hare.
Don't tantahze tie tortoise nor Baorihe- the
DON'T porseoute the parrot, nor grarable at the
goat
But give the stranded felly-fish a shove into
Be always kind to animals wherever you may be.
Belenient with HOLSTERS, an ever kind to crabs,
And be not disresrectful to cuttle-fish or dabs;
Chase not the cochin-china chaf not the OK
obese,
And babble not of feather beds in company
with geese.
Be tender with the tadpole, and let the limpet
thrive,
Be merciful to mussels, don't skin your eels
alive;
When talking to turtle don't mention caIipee-
Be always kind to animals wherever youm be.
Henry Beryh.
TEXAS sIFTINGS.
IT is believed now that Congress will
not adjourn before the middle OF July.
By remaining in session two weeks
longer, it will become an August body,
which is otherwise utterly out of the
question.
''YoUR dear little boy paid me such
pretty compliment; he said | looked
real handsome" said Mrs. Hostetter to
Mrs. Lydia Pinkham. 'Did he say
that ?" "Inded he did, the little angel"
"Ob, he is such silly child. Some
times I think he has not got good sense"
responded the mother, and now they
have quit swapping bangs when they
go out shopping.
The widow Flapiack's son, Bill, was
reading the Austin Statesman to his
lonely widowed mother. "Read that
again, sonny" she said. "The King
of Siam is going to send minister to
Washington" The widow sighed and
said : Washington is bad place to
send minister. Our family minister
went to Washington, and he never was
the same man afterward."
THEY were sitting in front of an Aus
tin hotel talking about DR.. Tanner, and
how long it takes some men to starve to
death. One of the party said: CDR.
Tanner is fraud. I've got friend
who has lived by water alone for the
last four or five years." "On nothing
but water Impossible ! How can he
live on nothing but water p "Weu.
you see, he has all his money invested
in the Austin waterworks company, and
ne lives on the dividends"
The son of an Austin butcher expe-
rienced great difficulty in comprehend
ing fractions, although his teacher did
his very best to make him understand
their intricacies. "Now let us sup
pose," said the teacher, "that a Gus
toner came to your father to buy five
pounds of meat, and ne had only four
to sell-what would he do?" keep
his hand on the meat while he was
weighing it, and then it would weigh
more than five pounds, was the candid
response.
WHILE speaking at an open air meet
ing, a Texas man was interrupted by
man in the crowd who shouted Loud
er p The speaker raised his voice. In
less than minute the same man again