The National tribune., 1882-05-27
WIT AND GHuMoR.

Johnson, saying: "You must not believe
more than half what he says" Aye" re-
piled the doctor, but which half?'
"I declare" exclaimed Brown, Il believe
have forgotten all l ever knew! sorry
to hear it,n remarked Jones. However,
you can take an hour some day and learn 1t
all over again"
An exchange prints an able article on
Hints on How to Go to Sleep" 1t is the
most convincing article we ever read upon
the subject. We were fast asleep before we
got half through it.-BOston Transcript.
She confded to him that she never wore
anything but silk stockings when she went
to dances. He said he had no doubt the
costume was becoming, but fought not
there be a little more Of it?-Lond0n Sport
ing Times
At recent diamond show at the residence
of the Baroness Burdett .Coutts, the largest
! pure white Cape diamond known, weighing
80 carats, and valued G150000, was exhlb-
itcd. The Baroness Will advertise for
hotel clerk next week.
"BilI, you young scamp, if you had your
! due you'd get good whipping" know
| it, daddy; bills are not always paid when
| they are due" The agonized father trem-
bled lest his hopeful son should be suddenly
| snatched from him.
Two children are playing together in a
| garden. The little sister says to her little
/ brother, (which would you rather be,
/ little flower or little bird ?" The young
man, after a minutes reflection, a little
! bird-because it eats!"
A man in the rural districts brought home
/ some windOW-screens to his wife the other
! day, but she threw them out-Of-dOOrs and
/ Indignantly remarked that she guessed she
hadn't got SO feeble yet but she could take
! her air in its natural state, without being
| obliged to have it strained.
| Say, Scoville, AS your eminent brother
in-law don't want you looking after his case,
| and repudiates you and denounces you, and
feels aggrieyed and outraged at your per
formances why not come home and go to
work and leave Providence to look after
Charles? Why not?-Inter- Ocean.
A widow in Japan, who is willing to
| think of matrimony, wears her hair tied and
twisted around long shell hairpin placed
horizontally across the back of the head.
Were this the custom in this country, we
would throw down the pen and at once en-
gage in the manufacture of shell hairpins.
"You are always kicking up a row. said
@ gentleman to a negro and his wife who
were having a "rnuss." why is there no
harmony 10 your house?" "Dats Jess what
1 was tellin' de lazy, wufess nigga" said the
woman. "Dar amt no hominy in de house,
no meat, and the bacons all eat up, and the
meal barl is empty. He is de only thing in
de house what's full all de time"
During a trial for assault in Arkansas,
! club, rock, a rail, an ax-handle, a knife,
and shotgun were exhibited as the in
| struments with which the deed was done"
! 1t was also shown that the assaulted man
defended himself with revolver a scythe.
! a pitchfork, chisel, a hand-saw, a fail, and
| a cross dog. The jury decided that they'd
have given dollar apiece to have seen the
fight.
The Rev Arthur Anniceseed, of Utica, is a
disciple of Wilde, and pronounced by his
lady parishioners very zephyr of poetic
piety. His preaching IS very delicate. Last
Sunday he read portion of sacred writ, de-
| failing q rehearsal of Jonah's submarine ad-
ventures "We come now to Jonah" said
Arthur, "who passed three days and three
nights in the Whales-ahem society
UTatertOrn Times.
II never did like the Romans said Mrs
Partington, when seeing the play of Corio-
lanus, "since I mistooI some Roman punch
for an ice-crenm, and it got into my head
And I came pretty nigh exploding once in
trying to light one of Isaac's Roman candles,
thinking it was wax. l must say they are
set of fickle-minded creatures, taking the
gentleman in the red table-Cloth for coun-
sci, and then going to throw him over
terrapin rock.
Father" began a young Detroiter the
other evening, "were you in the WARP"
"Yes, my SON." "Was it awful?n "Yes."
"Lots Of dead and wounded men?" Eyes"
Did you kill many?" well, shouldn't
like to answer that question" "Are you
very modest pa?" Il hope am too modest
to brag." THAT'S what Mr.. Smith meant,
then, when he was telling the men down at
the drug store that you hadn't any war rec
ord to brag Of" "He did, eh? Smith is a
liar" That's what l thought. He told
the men that YOU ran so fast he couldn't
catch you on horseback, and any boy knows
that horse can catch a man with stiff
knee"
A story of a button: ROsalind, my DEAR
said her mother who was sweeping out the
front hallway, does this button belong to
your fathers overcoat?n LET mo see it.
Oh, dear; 10, ma! 1t comes from Georges
overcoat. Isn't it splendid?" 81 don't see
any thing so very splendid about it." "Oh,
why, ma! If you were only young and
such very nice young man like George
should should "Well, I shant have
any more such works in this house I've no
objection to a little moderate hupging in the
| house, but young men can't hug their over
coat buttons off in my hallway, not much"
And Rosalind went to her boudoir to INDULGE
in a weep.-NcaO Haven Register
"When we are married, dear Lucy,r said