Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1882-09-27

Sec, pluck his tiny Kingdom
Long ago it Gas decreed-
And divide it, dear, between us,
You the Persian, the Mede.
Our Continent.
SPICE AND ALLsPlCE.
The roses will bloom in dew time.-Er.
The time has come when the coal
dealer begins to feed his men sumptuous-
" that he may fatten and weigh heavily
on the cart.
The average life of locomotive is
only thirty years, but the average life
of a locomotive engineer is sixty. The
engineer can jump. 49, Philadelphia
News.
WHEN Beecher told IN old lady that
he didn't believe the streets of Heaven
were paved with gold, she cried for dis
appointment and quit going to church.
Detroit Free Press.
Boston lovers now write their love let
ters in cypher, and when the old man
finds note reading, "No. 5-before-x
-1S-page 2l-A. B. C.-17," he drops
it like hot potato.
POSITIVE, fusion; comparative, confu-
sion; superlative, diffusion-that is
about the way they put the word thro'
it's changes in Maine. They are rare
grammarians down there.-Bosto,s
Journal.
The man who bet that he could dis
perse crowd gazing at dog fight by
taking up collection, says be didn't
think he could be licked and thrown
over a fence in such a short space of
time.
"HEAvEN lies about us in our in
fancy" says the poet. The inference is
that as soon as we get big enough to
talk we can be relied on to lie about our
selves. If we do not, our enemies will
lie about u.s. Tea. &ft.
IT'S very easy to start false reports.
Just because a Philadelphia woman,
while buying broom wanted one with
heavy and strong handle it was reported
around that she was in the habit of beat
ing her husband.
UNCLE RUBE's philosophy: Ell yer
want ter make oman mad an appear
pleased, tell her OBJ fault; but ef yer
wanster make her pleased an appear
mad, tell her dat she's good lookin'.'
Ark07asGeU Traveller.
OLD gentleman Cooking at very bob
tailed horee): "Bless me how short
they have cut his TAIL" Attendant: 'His
| master is member of the Society for
fashion he will not annoy the poor flies"
The New York Advertiser man wrote:
"Earth's gloomy pathway is now night
ly lighted with flying meteors, and
molten asses shoot swiftly athwart the
; star-fretted DOME" Then he went
home to have his head bandaged with
towels filed with cracked ice. >.
The ruling passion strong in death:
"John, " feebly moaned society lady,
who was about shutting off the mortal
coil; "John, if the newspapers say any,
thing about my debut into another
world, just send me a dozen marked
copies. ''-.New York Commercial Ad-
vertiser.
In Deadwood church the other day
the large congregation were devoutly
kneeling in prayer, when an ir1everent
joker quite audibly whispered: "Here
comes an eastern detective" In seven
teen seconds all of that congregation ex-
cept the chief elder had slid through the
windows.
"MR. BROWN, do you eat mush ?"
asked 4.year-old iend of his sisters
beau % nron why Johnnie responded esp
es you wouldn't talk like you had q
mouthful of mush." Sister faints, and
Brown he remembers that he has an en-
gagement in Australia.
elbow far is it to Clyde" asked a
weary looking tramp on the towpath, of
an urchin, the other day. "Nine miles,"
replied the lad. "Nine miles yet p ex-
claimed the footman. care you sure?'
"Weli," said the sympathetic youth,
"seeing you are pretty tired, / will call
it seven. "-LyOns Press.
HE was showing his friend, western
merchant, around the city, and as he
pointed to the stock exchange he proudly
said: "That is our Ras-el- Tin palace,
so to speak," Fifteen minutes later
they were in busy. crowded, fashion
able restaurant, and his friend remarked: ::
''This, I suppose, is your Ras-el-Hash
palace?"
THIS is how they raise children in
some portions of North Carolina: A
man will get up early in the morning
and, after stretching and waking him
self good, will say: "Johnnie "Sir!"
"Have you given the calf some fresh
pine straw to eat?" eyes, sir. ;"
'sThen wash your face in the branch,
like pretty fellow, and go to the per-
simmon tree and get your breakfast. -
Ex.
I" You say that you we're present when
my son was killed." said an Arkansaw
gentleman to man who had just arrived
from Colorado. eyes, sir, 1 was pres
ent." "How did the fight occur ?"
"Well, you see, your son and q fellow
got into dispute, and the fellow struck
your son with quart bottle of whisky,
fracturing his skull and killing him in
stantly." "Struck him with g. bottle of
whisky. Well, since the poor boy had
to die, I'm glad that he died natural
death" ."-Ark0nsa,U Traveller.
"W111 you please pass the Shem ?"
asked quiet man at the lunch counter.
Haven't any!" equealed the girl in at
tendance. "Some Japhet ?" queried the
quiet man again. Don't Keep 1t!
squeaked the damsel. 81 say," Clipped
in curious passenger, "what do you
mean by Shem and Japhet?" "Noth-
ing," responded the little man, dole:
fully, " nothing, only the ham is SO old
and musty that I thought the rest Of the
tribe might be around here somewhere,
and I'd like to see m."-DrGke's zr0v-
eler's Magazine.
ssGo1N' ter hav county fair this year,
squire ?" asked farmer of the presi-
dent of the Beggin County Agricultural
Association. "Well, guess so,'' re-
piled he; If we kin git enough hosses
to make it lively" How about the
exhibits p inquired the soil tiller. ooh,
them's ell right. I've let most of the
j ground to q dime museum from New
l York. and thara'll bo Punch and JUDY.