The true northerner., 1882-05-12
HUMORs OF THE DAY.

Can't coffin shop properly be called
bier saloon?
By CONTRACTING disease you help to
spread 1t. Queer, isn't it?
/ CAN'T account for il !" exclaimed
the defaulting bank cashier. r.-Phiadei-
phia Item.
SMOKING and chewing are two evils,
and We who select the former chews the
less. C0ttrior-JOurndi.
FoGG says he never finishes cigar but
he thinks, Another temptation removed
from the young men of America.
IT is bad luck for thirteen persons to
sit down together at a table, especially
If there is only dinner enough for ten.
THE cat is the great American l0rina
donna. If bootjacks were bouquets,
her nine lives would be strewn with
roses.
land phat wud we want sich a man as
Pathrich for?" said Mrs. McGlone. "Ye
niver cud thrust him out yer sight, onliss
We was wild him"
WHAT is called respectabilty is great
help to many men. Once they have at
tanned 1t, they can put in lie where 1t
will DO the most good.
AN Indian chief in Washington went
to see the Ideal Opera Company. When
M. w. Whitney gave particularly low
note the chief said: "Ugh! him heap
dug out"
REST is said to be the solution of many
puzzling perplexities. If that's so, we'd
like to solute a puzzling perplexity about
three hundred and slxty-hve times a
year.-COurier-Jounot.
AN IRISH gentleman, hearing of a
friend having stone coffin made for
himself, exclaimed "Be me sowl, an
that's a good idea! Shure, an stone
coffin 'ud last man his lifetime"
A PENNSYLVANIA boy recently swal-
lowed horse shoe nail without expert
encing any i'll effects. If it had lodged
in his throat it would have made him a
little horse sure. -NOrTiStOa0n Htrdd.
"Is THIS the front of the Capitol?"
asked newly-arrived stranger of an
Austin darkey. "No, sab; dis heah side
In front am de rear. Ef yer wants ter
see the front yer must go around dar
behind on de udder side. ."-Teras Sitt-
iagS.
"MY SON." asked clerical parent of
his hungry boy who was just in the
starvation period, Il wish You would
make a study of Watts on the Mind
II will, pa, was the quick answer, "as
soon as l have studied what's on the
stomach"
CALCULATED to fill it: Il tell you,"
continued Pingrey. Brown isn't fit for
the place. In fact, don't know of q
place that he is calculated to fill
Don't be Incorporate in your remarks,
Pingrey," said Fogg; "you forget his
stomach"
"YEs." said the injured party to the
owner of the dog, II know the dog was
only in play when he bit about half
pound of flesh out of me. Certainly he
was only in play! And L was only in
play when l took an ak and made hash
of him. Only in play, sir. Nothing to
get mad about p
"TELL your mother I'm coming to see
her." said lady to Mrs. Gibson Bige-
loves little boy, who replied: I'm
glad you are coming. Mamma will be
glad, too" Chow do you know your
mother will be glad to see me?" asked
the lady. Because I heard her tell
papa, yesterday, that nobody ever came
to the honse except men with bills to
collect. Austin SiftingS.
HIS exit: There had been a seeming
GOODNESS between the lovers. One day
Emily's schoolmate ventured to refer to
the subject and asked her: "When did
you see Charlie last?" "Two weeks
ago tonight" "What was he doing p"
"Trying to get over the fence" "Did
he appear to be much agitated?" $50
greatly" returned Emily, "that it took
all the strength of papa's new bulldog
to hold him."