Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-04-06
SQUIBS.

|
at 100000.
A smart thing-a mustard plaster.
Tennyson, the poet, smokes a COM
mon clay pipe-two for five. Thus
proving that a man can be poet and
still knows what's what.
The new London journal for women
is called the Fan. Englishmen have
funny ideas about naming papers for
women to read. A fan can beshut up.
If Caesar had met Oscar Wilde on the
fatal day he went to the senate cham
Der, he never would have said, "Et tn,
Brute" He would have remarked in
stead, 'Et tn tu"
They have found a king who reigned
in Egypt more than a century before
Abraham. He's dead. He's mum
my. He's not a pretty mummy now;
but pretty mum he is, now.
There must be fearful epidemic
going on among cornstalks, for nearly
| all the agricultural papers are publish
ing prescriptions and all that sort OF
thing about how to cure them.
"The only way to put an end to the
innum cradle suicides which occur in
France every year," said 3 speaker
| in the Assembly, 'iS to make the act
capital offence, punishable with
death"
The fast train between New York and
Washington few days ago was brought
to standstill by two elephants playing
with the bell cord. This shows con-
clusively that their trunks should have
| been checked
A St. Louis man has a coat made of
| tiger skins which he purchased in New
York, and he had only worn it twice
when he is credited with having
fought three duels, killed six tigers and
discovered gold mine.
YES" said Clara, "your Maltese
kitty is pretty enough, but he can new
er come up to my bird" That was all
she knew about it. The kitty did come
up to her bird that very day and it was
ali day with the bird.
A writer on the etiquette Of gestures
says a smile and an inclination Of the
head will often convey more meaning
than volumes. Dan McGarty says that
in Austin it means the conveyance of
ten cents out of his pocket every
time.
Two gentlemen met a large woman,
with rustic of voluminous silks and roll
of voluminous person. "Who is that?'
asked one. ''Why, that is my neigh
Dor Web8ter's wife" ooh, [ see," was
the ready rejoinder, "Webster's Una
bridged."
''Stole any chickens dis week, Brud-
der Jones ?" said class-leader to a
member of suSpiciously thieving pro-
clivities. "No, sah-tank de Lor'."
"You'se done WE'LL" said the leader,
and passed on, while "Brudder Jones"
turns to ''Brudder Brown" and whis-
per: LUCKY he said chickens; if he'd
said ducks he'd had me suah"
A Kentucky statesman: When a
Kentucky congressman was informed
that he could have all the garden seeds
he wanted from the agricultural depart
ment, he exclaimed: "Seeds what do
I want seeds for? But hold on! Yes,
yes; [ believe do want few" And
he forthwith sent for a half bushel of
cardamon seeds, the only seeds he had
any use for.
Safe, anyhow: Schomburg, upon re-
turning to his store, Oh Galveston
avenue, from dinner, found his clerk
very much excited. The clerk said
that stranger came in and after ask
ing and paying the price for cravat,
which was one dollar, picked up the
entire box, containing a dozen, and
went off with them. "Did he pay you
de dollar?" asked Nose. eyes," re-
sponded the clerk. "Vell, then, We
makes, anyhow, fifty per cent. profits
on de investm ent."
Changed his tune: Fogg says that
Sellem Is the most fckle-minded man
he ever saw. For the last six months
he has been talking about his fine
country house, with its spacious rooms,
grand views and splendid surroundings
and not an 'out'' about it. "Well, "
says Fogg, twill you believe it, he told
me to-day he had sold and mighty
lad he was to get rid OF the old rattle
trap. Yes. sir, Sellem is the most
changeable fellow 1 ever saw"
Second class IN grammar stand up"
said the schoolmaster. "John is bad
boy" "What does John correspond
WITH" II know" said the little boy at
the foot of the class, holding UP his
hand. "John Smithers, he CORE
spends with my sister Susan. Here's a
letter he just gimme to carry home to
her"
Oh dear to my heart is the torturesome tutor
That measured our backs with his apple bough
| switch,
That lodged every morning the plenteous bean
| shooter,
And oft sat him down in veneerings of pitch.
Whose countenance gimmered with newspaper
| fractions
We soaked with saliva and volleyed pell-mell.
And how he discouraged that worst Of our ac-
| tions,
That gave him a souze in the pit of the well.
That torturesome tutor, that tongue-tangled
tutor,
That taken in tutor we spilled in the well!
Rome Sentinel.