The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1882-12-14
HlJMOR.
IT is the rich oyster dealer who knows
how to shell out.


how to shell out
THINGS which are advertised as
"cleper than ever,' are ever SO cheap.
"WILL you drop us saline ?" asked
man departing from Syracuse. "That
depends salt together on circum-
stances was the reply.
TEACHER: Feminine of friar?" First
boy: Hasn't any," Teacher: Next
Second hoy: num- Teacher: "That's
right First hoy: That's Just what
said"
4 TrRK had rather see two camels
wrestlc than two men. They kick up
more dust than men do. and that's the
Turks idea Of bloody fighting.
WHEN you are successful look out for
the arrows Of envy. Stones and sticks
are flung only ut fruit-bearing trees"
said Persian philosopher.
Why is it that little country like
France is in proportion to resources SO
much richer than America ?-Erchange
Guess it must be because Frenchmen
sell American women bonnets.- Brook
Ign Star.
SOME people think it better to be
soft-hearted than hard-hearted, but it
doesn't seem to us there is much choice
III the matter. To have either weak
ness shows lack Of common sense
Boston Star.
BRowN prides himself upon his firm
ness. He boasts that he never gives
way to his feelings. The boys say.
however, that bis feelings wouldn't suf-
fer from any giving on his part-not to
any extent, YOU know.-Boston Tran
script.
He WAS making call and they were
talking Of literature. 1.-THE Pilgrims
Progress" she remarked, always seems
to me painful. OF course yon are ia
miliar with Bunyan?' He said he had
one on each foot, and they bothered
him good deal.
Mrs. YERGER is one of the most ex-
travagant women in Austin. On the
occasion Of her husbands birthday she
presented him with an elegant pocket
book. saying: Now. my dear, when
ever you take ont this pocketbo
think Of me-" you bet I will |" he re-
~
surprised her. TEXAS Sutinys.
IT is with tears in our eyes that We
notice that the bean crop has been
failure. These tears, however, are par
TALLY dried up when We CLEAN from ag-
ricultural friends TINT the late rains
have not seriously injured the pork
crop, which looks extremely healthy
and free from phylloxera, the young
plants being especially vigorous.-Sdn
Francisco Newsletter.
DUBLIN once boosted magistrate,
one Justice O'Malley. whose eloquence
and erudition made him the pride and
delight Of the city. 80, scrr," he
Numbered to IN old offender who had
often escaped yhat the Judge always
spoke Of Us "the but-end Of the law"
"y'arre about to incnrr the pinilty OF
yonr malefactions. Justice, sorr, may
purshue Wild leaden heel, but she
smites' here the quotation eluded
him -"she smites' -, triumphantly -
"she smites wild cast-oiron toe"
IT is related in the Wall Street Ne,rs
that at the last session of the Legisla-
ture of q certain State considerably
east of Nebraska q certain railroad
company sent pass to. each and every
member Of the body; but one of the
passes came back by first mail, accom-
panied by 3 letter which explained:
MANY thanks for your courtesy, but, as
| have made arrangements to board
here during the session, and shall not
have occasion to use the pass. You may
send me cash in its stead" It is said
that this display OF Legislative cheek
was rewarded with $50 BILL
Il believe you're fool, john" test
lily exclaimed Mrs Miggs. as her hus-
band unwittingly presented her the hot
end Of the potato dish, which she
promptly dropped and broke. "Yes,"
he added resignedly, that's what the
clerk told me when | went to take out
my marriage license"
RAISED seven boys" said an Ar
kansaw man "and all but one was kill
ed. Tom was killed by his uncle, Ned
was stabbed by Ike, Ike was horned to
death by COW. Jake was blowed up,
Sim was killed by wild hog, and Nat
was flung by horse and killed" "What
was your other sons name?" "Lige,
and he was as good boy rs ever lived,
and smart! That boy could write his
name anywhar, and he could read this
big show printin'." And SO the were
all killed but Lige." "Yes," said the
old man with a sorrowful sigh. And
what became Of Lise." why, sir, the
governor took a fool notion and
wouldn't pardon him and hewas hung"
Ark. Trureler.