The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1882-10-05

OF woman.
WHEN il q woman not . woman?
When little cross.
IF you want to find out how great
man IL, let him tell IL himself.
CANDY pulls are in fashion, but they
arc now called GLUCOSE tentions."
A NUMBER OF stock spectators in
New York are making bear living.
Tow THUMB is said to own yacht.
We suppose she Is sailed by Thumbs'
crew.--BOstOn Bulletin.
BE on! DO on! tnou dnnnine bird,
Iprithce not present thy bill
would return TO Sleep
AfFEKrAsHuN allwuss shows mant
weak points, for what man effeks to
have he haz generally got the least ov.
josh Billings.
WHEN man kums to mo for advice, !
find ont the kind OF advice ho wants,
and Civ ii to him; this satisfys him
that he and 1 are two az smart men a.
thare is living Josh Billings.
The Lord puts good-sized ears on
dogs: man cuts them off.-Puck. Quite
true, little one; and the longer mans
ears are the more he thinks he can i'm
prove upon the Lords work.-FaN
Riuer .4drance.
A New YoRK man says he keeps
chops and steaks for several days in the
hottest weather by burying them in
meal. Meal is good thing in any
weather for steaks and chops. We
more particularly refer just now to the
morning meal.-Dambury Ne,cs.
The ruling passion strong in death:
"John,' feebly moaned society lady,
who was about shutting of this mortal
coil; John, II the newspapers say any
thing about my debut into another
world, just send me 4 dozen marked
copies - NeW York Commercial
Advertiser.
II PUT a secret kiss under tho post
age-stamp for my darling" wrote Gin.
cinnati man to his girl. She deftlv
removed the stamp by steam, but found
no kiss, only some remnants OF plug TO-
bacco and strong odor Of beer. They
are not married vet, and not likely to
be.-Phi,ddelphid Ners.
Il FEEL as il had . thousand pounds
weight of responsibility on me-" re-
marked San Antonio delegate to the
Democratic Convention. II feel the
same way responded brother dele
gate, "but keep your mouth shut, or tho
lailroad company will charge us for
extra baggage. TEXAS Sittinys.
A CANDIDATE met Uncle Nose on
Austin avenue and said to him: BE
sure to come to the ward meeting to-
night and bring all your neighbors with
yon." "You kin Jess bet dey will como
along with me, or / stay At home my
self. Dar wouldn't he a chicken lef in
my coop If was ter 60 to lie ward
meetin and luff dem nabors at home."-
Teras Sittinys.
A NAN in Iowa has invented q new
fastening for horse collars. 1t is lucky
that the horses collar does not fasten
10 button in the back Of his shirt, be-
cause if it did, Judging from human ex-
perience. when ii flew off after he had
broken his thumb nail trying to crowd
il into new button-h hole, he would just
kick the stnifing out Of anything he was
hitched to, even If 1t was fre.ght-car.
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
"You say that von were present when
my son was killed." said an HrkansAw
gentlemen to a man who had just ar-
rived from Colorado. ~Yes. sir, I was
present" "How did the fight occur?"
"Well. you see. your son and fellow
got into dispute. and the fellow struck
your son with quart bottle Of whisky,
fracturing his skull and killing him in
stantly.n @Struck him with boeol0 oe
whisky. Well, -siaCs the poor boy had
10 die, I'm glad that he died . nAtnral
death. .'-4Arkansa 1r0uelsr.
FATHER" said faahicnAble young
lady, aam . membee q Nc church,
Yes, my daughter" her father replied.
AZ ou are member Of the church. I
initiated yon by having you baptized in
infancy" but, father" she answered.
Il have no pietv. never was converted.
and / 10 not think ought to be
church-member." "The wheat and tho !.
tares are to grow together, our Lord
tells MS in the parable, and you are
tare. fear. my daughter, only tare,'
replied her father but didn't You
say that yon initiated me?" she asked.
.Yes.. said he, Il initiated you in Your
infancy: hut why did you ash? r Be-
cause she answered, slowly. "the
Bible SAYS that the one who sowed tho
tarcs was the devil. The old man
groaned, walked the floor, and made no
reply.