The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-11-01
A WOMAN ON WOMAN.

Upon the whole, it is dreadful bother to
be woman, and to do the business up in
good shape
In the first place, you've got to look well,
Or else You're nobody. A man may be home.
iy. and still popular. Whiskers cover up
most of his face, and if he has got a large
mouth, nobody mistrusts it and If he has
wrinkles bad on his forehead, his friends
speak of his many cares, and of his thought
full disposition, and tell each other that his
wrinkles are lines of thought Lines of
thought, indeed when in all probability his
forehead is wrinkled by the habit he has of
scowlng at his vito when the coffee isn't
strong enough
A woman must always be in good order
throughout. Her hair must be frizzed and
banged as fashion demands, and she must
powder if she has shining skin; and she
must manage to look sweet, no matter how
sour she may feel and she must hang Just
30, and her laces must be always spotless,
and her boot buttons must be all in place,
and her fnger-nails clean, and she mustn't
whistle nor climb fences, nor stone cats nor
swear when she is mad
She can't go out alone, because she must
be protected. She can't &C anywhere when
it rains, because her hair won't stay crimped,
and she'll get mud on her petticoats and
things. She can't be Free Mason, because
she would tell their secrets and everybody
would know about that goat and that grid
iron. She can't smoke, because it wouldn't
be feminine. She can't go courting because
1t is unwomanly. But she must get married
before 80, or everybody will feel wronged.
People will sigh over her and wonder why it
is that the men "don't seem to take, and all
the old maids ann widows will smile signif.
cantly-and keep quiet.
It is eyerybody's business who woman
marries The whole neighborhood put their
heads together and talk over the pros and
cons and decide whether she is good enough
for him. And they criticise the shape of
her nose and the way she does up her hair,
and relate how lazy her grandfather was and
how her Aunt Sally sold beans and butter
milk.
feet, and she must manage to dress we'll on
seventy-fve cents week; she mustn't be
vain and she must be kind to the poor, and
90 regularly to the sewing society meetings,
and be ready to dress dolls, make aprons and
tides for church fairs.
She must always have the masculine but
tons in the family sewed on so that they
never will come off while in use and she
must keep the family hosiery SO that nobody
would mistrust that there were toes inside of
the stockings when they are on.
She must hold herself in continual readi.
ness to find everything her husband has lost
and man never knows where anything
is. He will put his boots away on the parlor
sofa, and when he has hunted for them halt
an hour he will appear to his wife with a
countenance like that of an avenging angel
and demand to know, g What she has done
with his boots ?"
She must shut all the doors after her lord
and master, and likewise the bureau
| drawers. for married was -nsxe,
| known to shut drawer. 1t would be as
unnatural as for hen to go in swimming fol-
recreation.
All, there are a good many tricks in the
trade of what is called living together p
A woman is expected to take care of the
baby even after the first infantile wonder
multipes into round dozen. And If he
doubles up with the collie, or the trials OF
cutting teeth, necessary evils OF the mumps
and measles, and scarlet fever and rash, and
throat distemper, and short sleeves and bare
egs, and pins sticking into him, and toe
much candy, and bad temper, why, her
husband tells her that he does wish she'd
try to quiet her baby" And he says it just
as If he fully believed that she alone was
responsible for its existence; and as if he
| thought she was considerably to blame for it,
too.
And when she has the headache, nobody
thinks of minding it A woman is always
having the headache And if she is "ner-
vous enough to fly" nobody shuts the door
any easier on account of it or tucks her upon
the lounge with shawl over her, or Goodies
her to death, like man has to be coddled in
such circumstances.
We might go on indefinitely with the
troubles being woman brings; and If there
is n man in the world Who thinks woman
has an easy time of it, why just let him pin
q pound of false hair TO his head, and get in.
side new pair of corsets and put on a pull.
back overskirt, and be woman himself, and
sae how he likes IL