Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1882-08-18
READY RETORTs,
4 Lively Recital OF Happy Thoughts.

The number Of witty replies, ready re-
torts and good things generally attrib-
uted to Swift, Foote, Sidney Smith,
Sheridan and other departed celebrities
would doubtless considerably astonish
those gentlemen were they to return to
life. Happy thong hts are not confined
to acknowledged wits, however. Most
Of lis have sometimes had occasion to
say, "What good repartee such and
such an answer would have been had we
only thought of it in time - But there
is the rub. 1t is not given to every one,
perhaps fortunately for the general peace,
to be as ready at retort, for example, as
the critic to whom the following question
was addressed by an artist: Don't YOU
think it is about time l exhibited some
thing?" Eyes; n little talent, for in
stance" was the reply. To grocer who
had retired from business, friend said,
MY dear fellow, you are looking thin |;
idleness does not agree with you"
"Well, no" instantly replied the grocer !;
II don t weigh 80 much as did"
Another tradesman, a Quaker, who sold
hats, was asked by rustic the price of
one. Fifteen shillings," was the reply.
The intending purchaser offered twelve
shillings.
Gas live" said the Quaker, 81 can
not afford to give it thee at that price. 3"
''As you live !" exclaimed the country
man ; then live more moderately, my
friend"
A tailor and his son were doing days
work at farmhouse. The prudent
use-wife, to secure good days work,
lighted candles when daylight began to
fade. The tailor looked at his son and
said, "Jock, confound them that invented
working by candlelight ?" "Ay," replied
young snip, "or daylight either p
You have no idea Of the hard work
there is in this business, said canvasser
to shopkeeper. 81 tell you it is either
talking or walking from morning till
night. "Beg pardon" repliedthe vic
tim. 81 have pretty distinct idea of the
talking. part of your programme Now
please favor me with an exhibition of the
walking part" A sarcastic question may
sometimes do duty for the severest OF re-
plies. II never consider dinner perfect
without soup, said one man to another
81 always have soup when I dino"
''And do you ever have anything else p"
returned the other.-A punning retort is
also at times very effective. II had no
time to stuff the chicken" apologized a
landlady, "Never mind, madam it's
tough enough as it is" quickly replied
the boartler. Another landlady, who
tried to be smart, was as effectually 81
fenced. II think the goose has the ad-
vantage OF you," she remarked to an
expert boarder, who was carving. "Guess
it has mum, in age," was the ready re-
tort.
Here, waiter what do you call this
you've brought me?" inquired custo-
mer.
Ham, sir you ordered ham. p"
Customer-"When was it cooked? ?"
Waiter (snappishly)-"I don't know,
sir we don't put tags on with the date
and time of cooking'
Customer-"You ought to. This ham
was cooked thirty or forty years ago.
Bring me some that was cooked this
year"
The customer does not at all times
have the victory sometimes it falls to the
waiter. A bustling, fussy Commercial, "
waiting impatiently for his dinner, called
out to the waiter, 'John, how long will
that steak Of mine be?' "Why," replied
John, quietly, "about the usual length,
sir-about eight inches"
Two American gentlemen in the course
OF their travels stopped ut small cafe in
the suburbs of Paris, for refreshments.
Their repast was light one, consisting
OF tea, toast and eggs but the bill was
heavy one-nine francs in all. ''Garcon,"
exclaimed one of the tourists, "hows
this? Please EXPLAIN"
"Well, You see, messieurs, explained
the waiter, "two francs for the tea and
toast, and seven francs for the eggs"
"Ah, then, eggs are very scarce about
here?"
"No, monster eggs are not scarce, but
Americans are r.
What do You mean by q cat-and-dog
life?" said husband to his angry wife.
Look at Carlo and Kitty asleep on the
rug; l wish men lived half as agreeab y
with their wives" "Stopi" said the
lady. ''Tie them together, and see how
they will agree !'-As ready, but more
curious, was the reply of a nurse. She
was telling about man who had become
80 worn-out through intemperance that
he could not keep any food on his stom-
ach, when one of her listeners asked,
"What does he live on, then ?" "On his
relations, ma'am," was the answer.
The replies given by impulsive chill
dren when scolded, and SO forth, are often
as apt as they are entertaining. In the
country, for instance, o bright little girl
was sent to get some eggs. and on he
way back stumbled and fell, making sad
havoc among the contents Of her basket
! Won't YOU catch il when Won oct homa