The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-05-24
COMIC COMMENTS.

Man wants but little here below, and
th~a just about what he gets.
-0f all shares, pillow shares are the most
reliable. They always turn up something.
Singular fact If the good die young,
how do you account for bald-headed editors.
Modern Aayo.
Would cut his own acquaintance: If
maj knew as much about himself as he doc
about his neighbor, he would never speak to
himself. - Watched Times.
New reading to an old phrase: "Gen-
erous to fault " may be said of many men.
At least, they are generous enough to their
own faults. -LoaoeN Citizen.
Height of emphasis: Liel' shouted
old Mowers, as he smashed his fist down on
the table. "Lie! Why, he can lie like
show bill.-F0rt Plain Register.
Hens scratch up flower beds only when
they are barefooted. That's why women
run out and 'shoo" the hens to keep them
from doing damage. -Neo Orleans Pea
yune.
An after consideration "Can you get
people out safely in case of fire 9n Mama
GER" Haven't had time to think of that
getting 'em in is what interests mem-
Puck.
Pleasures of science scientist claims
to have discovered kind of wasp that
doesn't sting. He must have had heap
of fun experimenting before he found It,
Lo,oeu Citizen.
The circus joke: The average life of
circus actor is 40 years. The average age
of circus joke is 250 years. The latter is
worked almost to DEATH every year.
Norristoaen Herald
i A full-grown lie: When child can
not answer question he never says "Oh,
don't bother now, I'm busy" Only chill
dren of larger growth deal in such subter-
fuges. Boston Transcript.
Advice to the girls: Dear girls, when
ever young man gets SO soft that he can
be dipped with spoon, the best thing for
you to do is to dip him up and pour him
out over the back fence -Steu5enoale Her
aid. = t
"A slight mistake: Proud mamma
Don't you think dear baby's the image
of his papa?" Dull but well-meaning fam
lily friend" Well, perhaps he is but 1
dare say hen outgrow it in time. ~ london
Punch. SAB
"A celebrated lawyer said that the three
most troublesome clients he ever had were
young lady who wanted to be married, q
married woman who wanted divorce and
an old maid who didn't know what she
wanted.
The Courier-Jougnat says that the pet
ticoat is gradually getting away with the
ulster. There are seven school superintend-
ents twenty ministers, twenty six physi-
clans, four lawyers and three editors of the
feminine sex In Kansas.
Appreciated "There |" triumphantly
exclaimed Deadwood editor, as a bullet
came through the window and shattered the
inkstand, 81 knew that new Personal ;
column would be success San Fran
cisco Post.
poylM fSStss rDoote hTf dirry e'Twondt9ss why
he's ALWAYS SO precious anxious to clean
them!" Short" Well, he thinks yours is
lust the sort of foot to be good ADVERTISE
.ment to him. "--London Punch.
An unreasonable youth; "Anything
you see me do, you can do, said Pingrey to
Nilsson. "Thank you, sir" replied the young
man; "but perhaps / would like to do
some of the things you take such mighty
good care shant see you do" Pingrey
thinks of this and trembles every time he
goes behind the cupboard door to look into
the bottom of that tumbler Boston Tran
script
AN innocent little creature "There,
child" said grandmother "you mustn't be
vain don't stand there at the mirror admir-
ing your dimpled cheeks. Dimples are
pretty enough, no doubt; but they will
change to wrinkles one of these days. Little
Edith turned from the glass, with just sus-
picion of pout on her rosy lips She sat
silent for moment; then looking up she
said: "Grandma, what lot of dimples
you must have had when you were little
girl-all over your face, WANT they, grand
ma ?"-B0ston IrdaSc,int.
"A lovers private gymnastics How
beautiful Is the exhibition of humanity in
the young. little boy found poor half
frozen wasp in the garnet and placed it upon
q chair before the parlor fire to thaw out
Surely the angels must have looked down
approvingly on such an act of kindness.
When sister Mary's beau called that evening
he glanced at the chair, and seating himself
in 1t murmured "Ah, bless her heart,
how thoughtful she is of my comfort"
Two minutes later there was as much noise
and racket in that parlor as If it had been
turned into den of demons. The wasp
had thawed OUT that is why Mary isn't
married yet. -By0oklyn Eagle.