Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1882-08-31
THE TALE Or A SHIRT.
It's Improved Architecture Estheticaliy
Considered.

, Its Improved Architecture Esthetically
Considered.
Pecks Sum-.
In the course of confidential converse
ton with friend who recently had two new
shirts made, we learned incidentally that the
style of building shirts had radically chang
ed, and that they were being made to button
in the front instead of at the back OF the
neck. The news was so good that we could
not believe it until we had it directly from
shirtmaker, who showed us the ground plan
and front elevation that had been prepared
by architects for the erection of some fine
shirts for our best citizens, and sure enough
the old fashion of folding doors in front in
stead of a storm door between the shoulder
blades in the back was the fashion. We
have never felt so much like passing a resO-
luton of thanks to the shirtmakers, and
resolution of coincidence to parties who have
got to wear the old ones, in our life Those
shirts that button in the back have been the
cause of more profanity than any one thing.
Shirts that button in the back have been the
cause of crime Religious societies can not
prosper as they should when the male popu-
lation has to reach over its head and away
shirt Talk about spending thousands of
dollars to find the North Pole; if half the
money spent in that way was offered as a
reward for the detection of the man who IN
vented shirts that buttoned in the back, and
he could be turned loose among men who
have suffered for years by his devilish con-
trivance it would be we'll expended. For
fourteen years the men of this country have
been slaves to this absurd fashion, and more
arms have been cramped, shoulders disloca-
ted and backs bent than would be believed
by those who have not seen it. The specta-
Gle of a mild hammered man, after getting
into his shirt, making cOntOrtiOnist OF HIM
SELF an acrobat, trying to get on the other
side of himself to button his shirt the back
way, is sad indeed. Statistics show that the
buttons on the back of q shirt always come
off the second week, and in place of the
thin. oyster-shell button that comes with
the shirt, the housewife always sews on
big drawer button, four sizes larger than the
button hole, and if he gets the button In the
hole the hole has to be busted" or a washer
but on the button next time. Go through
our prisons, and you will find that the
criminals-the bad men--wear shirts that
button in the back They have been driven
to life of crime by letting their tempers
get the best of them while searching blindly
for button with one hand and button
hole with the other, when their back was
turned. They go from home mad, and cor1~
nit crime to get even. The bare idea OF
having shirts that open in front will give a
feeling of rest to tired, back-aching humani-
ty To stand up to the glass and button a
shirt and see what you are about will be
bliss indeed. The thought of generous
slit in the bosom of Il shirt where ones hand
may wander, is elysium. There are times
we say it advisedly-there are times when
the best of us want to put a hand inside a
shirt bosom, but with the old shirt that but
tons in the back d man might as well be IN
burglar-proof safe with the. com blnatlOn
lost as to try to get in. With the old shirt
it would be necessary to hire hand. A
mans stomach has been sealed book tor
fifteen years, with the old boiler-iron shirt
bosom, with no port holes. Occasionally a
mans heart aches, and if he could put a
hand on it without going around the back
way and sneaking in under the arm he
could tell by the feeling whether it was un-
requitted affection that allied him or rheuma-
tism. With the new shirt an exploring ex-
peditiOn can be sent to the seat of the dis
ease before it is everlastingly too late. Men
have been wounded, and before they could
be turned over and the entrance to theil
shirt found they have bled to death. The
old back-action shirt is fraud and the new
one is daisy. 1t may be said by some that
the new Open-sesame shirt will show the
world the color of the undershirt 1t might
if one was going to use his shirt-bosom for a
pillow; but few do that. And even if they
did-that is the only way the world cal
know that a man wears silk undershir
with monogram on the front. We hail thu
new open winter shirt with delight, and art
sure the public will when they once get Their
hands in