Connecticut western news., 1882-01-18
MT. Geehawbuc's Student Lamp.


 lamp, is to sit still, shine. and show off. The first lamp of any note we hear of, is that of the Old Tub Dweller Diogenes who used to nightly ''coal it up," polish it of with his runic, and set out at noon time to find an honest man. at which proceeding the "Lampas Apollonis"-in other words Old Sol-grew black in the face for shame, as some of those truthful Greek writers tell us. But neither of these lamps could be compared with Mir. Geehawbucs, in point of ''crankyness.' He had become dis guested with gas his burner was 8 perfect hend, and seemed to need more than any of his neighbors'. His bills were outrageous, so he decided to steal march On the gas com pany, and concluded to get student lamp. After good deal of fussing, he lit his beacon tho night he got it, and pulling big arm chair up to his table, he spread out the eve- ming paper and began an interesting clip at Guiteau. The article being spicy and sarcas- tic, he soon became deeply interested and did not notice that the flame of his lamp had grown two inches in length The doors and wlndows Of his room were all shut, and not sound could be heard except an occasional gurgle from the lamp and growl from Mir. G. Still the flame grew. until fine black smoke rose out of the lamp chimney and | scented the upper strata of air in the room. As the flame Kept on increasing in size, so did began to have a decidedly rancid smell "Confound it what are they doing In the kitchen ?" eiaculates My. G, as his nostrils get the first scent of the zaphyrs. and he quick | fy rises and shuts the register. but on his re- turn to his seat, his eyes catch glimpse of | the now good sized column of smoke. What & lamp!' he shouts as he max es a rush for it, and shuts of half the oil supply, thereby mak- ing the poor lamp go on half rations. The l lamp, thinking him worse than the senate on 1 the army and navy question, determines it will smoke him out, anyway. So rom somewhere, | t1a mere, 1t concocts direful odor, and silent ly, yet certainly, emts it from it's burning lips MT. c., having stopped in great mea sure the lamp from doing its worat, goes on reading about Gulteau, and the lamp goes on per | fuming. Suddenly second time Mir. G's | nostriis get whiff of the smoke, and so dire IS the concoction, that it doubles up brother | G., and the walls of the room ring with his | "a-shoos, a-shees. ah has," One sneeze fol lows another in rapid succession, the tears roll | down his cheeks, he gasps for breath, and then rushes toward g. window which being opened, | he lnhales the coo! nlghi air with relish. The lamp grins and chuckles with couple of gur- | gles, as if 1t could hardly contain itself. ''Well, never 1" wheezes Mr. G., "Whst on earth IS the matter with tAaS lan1pf What smells so 2" he lortiuhes taking suspicious look ot the reservoir. Then he passes his hand | lovingly around it, as a phrenologist does the | skull of his subject, but cannot find out the | bump or the cause of its smelling. Then he takes squint at the 'cup,' and lifts this out of it's place tenderiy. When he has extracted this he peers into the tank of oil but all seems | serene. Then he investigates the ar holes under the burner, and gets the end of his nose painted with kerosene for his pains. | With growl like hoarse fog horn, he con- tinues his course of Exploration, saying, ''Stanley found the Congo at last, and before must be the wick, he mutters, as he advanc- | es his proboscis cautiously towards the lamp chimney. "Yes, do believe it is," he con- tinues. as he med tates intenty. A moment | of gazing, and he is sa tisfed that he has at last got hold of the cause. So with 8 blast such as Old Boreas would blow, he puts out
 the light, and waiting for the glass to cool, a picture of misery he stands with hls legs apart like the Collosus of Rhodes. It takes five min utes to cool oI, and then he goes to work again. tlinging his coat of, rolling up his shirt sleeves. He first tendtrly and miserly wiggles the chimney, stops to blow his fingers, and
 with courage worthy of a better cause" he pulls of the chimney, dropping it like 8. hot potato i; he executes 8 double shuttle, suck l ing the tips of bis fingers, to make himself l lnok more graceful Then, just taking his | fingers from his mouth, with flashing eyes and l fast moving jaw, he blesses that lamp in & way | that would make parson show the whites of hls eyes in holy horror. The cats on a back fence during their nocturnal concerts, are nothing to him ill the way of bowling. How | ever, tEis only lasts short tin e. and he soon l picks out the wick, turns it bottom side up, l and screws 1t down again, lights it. picKs up 1 the chimney and puts it or somewhat after the manner in which man jams his hat on his head after rather long chase for it on a l | l stay on noac!" Then he settles down once | more, but is no sooner seated than the same ptstiferous odor tickles his olfactory nerve. l Again he shuts up like & jack knife with a | hard spring, and again the walls resound with | his sneezes. "Oh, what the dickens is it 1" he snaps out with most disgusted face, and he once more goes over the tour of investigati tion. He again greases his nose with kerosene in sniffing around the air holes, then without waiting to wipe it off, and In his eagerness, forgetful of his dreadful carelessness. he brings l the tip of his nose into pi oximiTy with the top of the lamp chimney. The lamp vibrates with | joy, as with desperate gurgle the flame leaps suddenly up and sets fire to the perfumed nose l of MT. G. Then follows a scene All the dances Mir. G. had ever learned, crowded them selves into the one which followed. In it there | were svolutions from the Highland Fling, the sailors hornpipe, the Virginia reel, the shuttle, | single and double step, the waltz, and last of all, the Irish breakdown, in the execution of which Mir. G. having hit his head on the cor- | ner of the marble mantel piece, comes down. l all in a heap, and as he touches the foor the | lamp, over elcome with joy, and unable to hold itself together, bursts into thousand pieces When asked the cause of the exnlosion, Mr. G. would say, Don't ask me anything about student lamps, and particularly Hat one, for If ever a lamp was of it's base, that one most de- cidedly was." l., P.
 Brooklyn, N. Y.
 Col Robert G, Ingersoll delivered the fol- lowing remarks, at the funeral of a friends child ln Washington recently:
 My Friends 1 know how vain it is to gid grief witt words, and yet l wish to take from every grave it's fear. Here in thls world, |