davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

THE FIVE 0BEDTENT HUSBANDS.
There we're five of them together, and
it was late. They had been drinking.
Finally one Of them looked at the clock
"What will our wives soy when we
come home?"
LET them say what they want to.
Mine will tell me to go to the mischief"
responded No. 2.
I'm tell you what we will do, Let
us meet here again in the morning and
tell our experiences. Let the one who
has refused to do what his wife told him
to do when he got home, pay for this
evenings entertainment"
"That's good idea. We will agree
to that"
So the party broke up and went to
their respective homes.
Next morning they met at the APP
pointed place and began to tell the;- ex-
periences.
Said No. L:
"When / opened the door my wife
was awake. She said "A pretty time
of night for you to be coming home.
You had better go out and sleep in the
pig pen, for that is what you will come
to, sooner or later, anyhow Rather
than pay for all we had drunk last night
/ did what she told me to. That lets
me out"
Next!
No. 2 cleared his throat and said
"When got home, stumbled on q
chair, and my wife called: There you
are again. yOu drunken brute You had
better wake up the children, and stag
ger about for awhile, so they can see
what drunken brute of father they
are afflicted with. thought the best
thing / could do under the circum-
stances was to obey SO woke up the
children, and staggered around until my
wife hinted to me to stop. She used n
,siAa;- in ennvAyina the hint That lets
me out"
Next
No. 3 spoke up, and said:
81 happened TO stumble over the pan
of dough, and my wife said: Drunk
again Hadn't you better sit down in
that dough p So / sat down in it, and
that let me out"
Next
No. 4 said:
81 was humminga tune and my wifo
called out There you are again |!
Iiain'; you better give us concert?
1 said, Certainly, aud began to sing as
loud as / could, but she told me to stop,
or she would throw something ut m, !;
SO / stopped. That lets me out"
Nexti
No. 8 looked very disconsolate. He
said:
81 reckon I'll have to pay. My wife
told me to do something none o: you
would have done, if you had been in my
place.
"What was il 2"
"She said: so you thought yo1
would come home at last Now, hadn't
YOU better go out TO the well and drink
couple Of buckets of water just to as
ton sh your stomach p That wa, moro
than Ihad targained for, SO it's my fun.
eral."
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

with the loftiest things to which his
vision attains the humorist uses his
loftiest attainments to illustrate what is
humblest. The humorist includes the
poet in his view the poet is rather shy
of the humorist. The poet breads and
resents ridicule, but who can iidicule
the humorist3 The poet in his poetic
frenzy aims at gravity; the humorist
cannot but smile, even at the breaking
of his own heart.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31
APHAsTA.

In the latter psrS OF ms me Alr. Em-
erson was afflicted with aphasia-
paralysis Of the nerves or brain-celis, ON
which depends the power to control the
speech. Everybody is familiar with the
difficulty, for everybody knows at times
what it is TO vainly try 10 utter some
familiar word or name. In Emerson's
case it was mainly an impossibiIity Of
speaking persons names. He knew the
person well enough could describe him
exactly, had perfectly clear notion Of
whom he vas talking, S,.: ;,e could not
pronounce the name. On his return
from Longfellow's funeral he said /:
"That gentleman whose funeral we have
been attending was sweet and beauti-
ful soul, but forget his name"
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

"As THAT poor man in New Hamp-
shire died Of smoking, l don't know MS
/ ought to press you to take this cigar"
said visitor to reporter. 81 can ac-
cept it," said the scribe, as he reached
for the Victoria. q stranger To news
paper Offices, adding: "a fellow who
has written up deaths from arsenic in
wall paper, from ch:cory in coffee, from
eating canned articles and from inhaling
sewer gas will die natural death. ~"
Bosf IN Gf6Jbe
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31
KILLED ar THE FORD.
pY u. W. LoscrELLow.

BE " W. LoNGfhILOW.
Tie is dead, the beautiful youth,
The heart of honor, the tongue OF truth,
lie, the life and hight Of us all,
Nhose voice was blithe % bugle call.
Whom all eyes followed with one consent.
1hs cheer CT whose laugh, and whose pieassn
word
flushed all mnrmurs Of discomfort
Qaly ls.t night, as we rode along
Down the dark Of the mountain gar,
To witt the picket guard at the ford,
Little dreaming Of any mishsp,
He was huniIning the words Of some old song:
"Two red roses he had on his cap,
And another he bore at the poin. If his sword-
Sudden and swift whistling ball
Came out Of the wood, and the voice was stiii;
methiug heard In the darkness fkll,
And for a moment my blood grew chill;
] spake in whisper, as he who speaks
In a room where some one is lying dead;
But he made no answer to what said
We lifted him up to his saddle again,
And through the mre and the mist and the rain
Carried him back to the silent camp,
And laid him ~ II asleep ON his bed,
And saw by the light Of the surgeons lamp
Two white roses upon his checks,
And one, ju tower HIS heart, biood-redl
And saw in vision how far and neet
That fata' bullet went speeding forth,
TIL it reached town in the distant North,
Til IL reached house in q sunny street,
Till it reached heart that ceased to beat
without murmur, without cry:
And bell was tcl.ed In that far-of town
For one who had passed from cross 10 crown
And the neighbcrs wondered that she should die.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31
raE PoEr AND THE HUMoRIsr.

The London Spectator says that the
poet looks through lower things upward;
the humorist looks through higher
thipgs downward. The poet has more
intellectual sympathy tho hnmorist
emotional. The poet in his work deals
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31
A GREAT many of the old fish stcrics

A GREAT many of the old fish stories
are not true. Here is new one: A
hollow log drawn from Michigan river,
"on being sawed through the center,
revealed fourteen black bass and cne
bullhead, which Topped out Of their hid
ing place. The fish were 80 large as TO
lead 10 the belief that they found
their way into the log through small
hole, and afterward grew so much that
they could not set out "-PiccyWe.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

An old topper complained to doctor
that the ardent failed to exhilarate his
SPIRITS. The doctor. knowing the incs-
dinate nature Of his appetite, told him
he had better try aqua FORTS. A short
time afterward he was surprised by an
other visit from the individual, who told
him that the aqua fortis did very well at
first, but it was not strong enough. "I
cay, doctor, said he, "don't You think
q little aqua fifties would about fix it 2"
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

DR. OLrvEa WespxLL HoLArs is said
to have received s. line from the Bos-
ton Gi0bs ior his poem on Garfsld's
death.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

SEEING beyond the nose "No. in.
deed, I'm not going to learn how 10
make bread" said q New Haven belle.
"Girls who know how TO make bread
generally marry men who can't afford %
buy -four to make ID with, and they have
70 work in = millinery store 70 help pay
the board bill. I'll stick 70 my fancy
work. ."-Nsse Haven Reyistey. g
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

81 CAN'T get mp early" said poor
victim to his doctor. "Oh, yes. you
can," was the reply, "if You will only
follow my advice. What is your hour of
rising2" "Nine o'clock" "well, get
up half an hour later every day, and in
the course OF . month you will find
yourself mp at in the morning"
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

THE use Of hard coal is extending into
the country very fast. A few years ago
il was only consumed in large cities and
towns enjoying the blessings Of cheap
transportation. Now it is bought by
many formers. who not infrequertly haul
il many miles in carts.
Hand County press. (Miller, Dakota [S.D.]) 1882-1893, 1882-05-31

wHosoxvzn slsvasss hinssls isS'sfsA !
hlnasslf.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
The Forgotten Magnitudes.

In his early ministry, DR.. Chalmers de-
voted the greater part of his time and en-
ergy to scientific aud mathematical studies.
He made great proficiency in them. But he
neglected his work as a minister of the gos-
pei. At a meeting of general assembly, in
subsequent years, when he had long been a
mighty evangelical preacher, this delin-
quency of his early day was flung at him in
a reproachful way. In reply he made a
powerful address, admitting the substantial
truth on which the reproach was founded
Mathematical SCIENCE" said he, ais the
science of magnitude and of the proportions
of magnitude. But then had forgotten two
magnitudes | thought not of the littleness
of time nor of the greatness of eternity
The speech was worthy of the great soul
We cannot compare that which is boundless
in both directions with that which is limited
in both. Practically, time is to us and
should be considered by us greater than eter
nifty; for the character of our eternal state
depends upon what we are and what we dc
here. Hours here measure ages there. w,
cannot exaggerate the value of time which
includes our eternal future.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
g L Had Rather"

l had rather, as forgiven child, with all
the prospects of the future opened up unto
me, wear the crown purchased by the re.
deeming love of Christ, than that which is
worn by the unfallen angels, because the
blessings of divine atonement, through a
divine incarnation, secured to the soul in
harmony with the condition of the gospel
reveals the character of God in a way i'm.
possible to be made known to those who
had complied with all that the law demands
and this places the sinner, penitent and for
given, upon a platform of experience and
personal relationship to God, of nature SC
peculiar and so extraordinary as to throw
all other stars, glittering never so brightly
in the heavenly armament, into comparative
obscurity, contrasted with the exceptional
brilliancy of that state which involves the
strange anomaly of justice and mercy joined
together, the law sustained and the sinner
saved.-Reu. Phillips Brooks
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
Plain Speaking.

One will not be ashamed of what to him
is real, vital truth. Talking and acting re-
lgion timorously or mincingly, instead of
in plain, manly way, has made skeptics
accuse Christians of not believing what they
preach. Mr.. Hastings, of the Christian Pub
fishing Company, related some time since
the following incident of an interesting win
ter in Troy, New York, about thirty years
ago. The pastor of one of the churches
there became dissatisfied with his own reli-
gious life, and the religious life of his peo-
pie, and entirely changed the style of
his sermons. Instead of prophesying
smoothly, as he felt that he had done, he be-
gan to speak boldly. Instead of paraphras.
ing the gospel timidly and cautiously he be-
gan to preach it plainly. This direct way of
working cost him something at first and
terrified his careful friends. But it was
only because it was neD The result was as
full of blessing as was the result of the
great change in the preaching OF Chalmers
Idling Christians became wide-awake and
busy and wicked men forsook their ungodly
ways. The first movers called the laggards
| forward, and those who felt the love of God
strong within them visited their neighbors
to bid them come" Two of these visit
ors called at the office of an eminent law
yer, man who had long been professed
follower of Christ, and a church officer, but
who had buried his active piety in the am
bilious cares of his business. They waited
some time, seeing him very much occupied,
and then rose to leave without telling their
errand. "Dont CO." be said, looking up
from his writing. "I'll be with you d.
rectly." Very soon after he laid down his
pen, and locking the office door, he sat down
beside them. 81 know what you have
come for" he said, "and | can fancy what
your thoughts are. The tempter tells you,
Now that Mr.. G. is an elder, and a very
busy lawyer. You are younger men than he.
Be modest, and handle him carefully Nv
friends, want you to do no such thing, but
tell me honestly what you think of j. p. c.
Don't mince the matter" "Well, then,
said one, "since you encourage us to be frank
think that j. p. G. is more anxious to be an
eminent lawyer than he is to become an EN-
inent Christian" al is true!" exclaimed
the lawyer. After that there could, OF
course, be no restraint or reserve between
him aud his visitors. They kindly talked
over his dehnquencies with him; and at part
ing he charged them not TO forget him in
their prayers. From that hour Lawyer c..
professional ambition was chastened, anG
made always secondary to his zeal fol
Christ. He lived bright example of fidel
ity and godly devotion. The Christian
friends who had spoken so faithfully to hin
seemed peculiarly dear to him ever after
wards. lie not only respected them TO
their plainness, but treated them as love,
brothers. Watchman.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
As one OF our most eloquent journalists,
with fiery pen, has said

Christianity, II 1t be true to It's announcement
and to Its founder, is wnnowing-fan, and an AZ
Tor rooted evils to be afraid OF. How refreshing
az well as disturbing TO the moral atmosphere, II
the preachers Of a working and purifying and
overcoming faith should thunder and tighten and
strike oftener, leaders az they claim TO be by a
superhuman prestige In all battles against the
world, the flesh and the devil; II they should re-
ally and exactly apply living Christianity TO ac-
tual wrongdoing in the pews, the street. the home,
the store, the shoddy, the bankruptcy, the caucus
the administration OF town. city, country, church
or parish, Anywhere and everywhere, and Just
where In high places or in low, sin exists and the
devil Turks, but especially where he roars. Sup.
posing that the pulpit should actually pour hot
shot, just as the Bible does, into covetousness
mammon worship, the modern dolatries that ex-
ist even inside the churches; should denounce
the backbters, the gossiping hounds ever on the
track to bite and devour sweep through our po-
litical economy and our politics Its purifying
breezes demand its entrance TO the caucus preach
TO the strikers the rights of capital and TO capital
Its duties to those who plan insolvency, TO defraud
not to the grasping money power, " Go TO- now,
ye rich men, weep and howl-for your riches are
corrupted, and the rust OF them shall bea witness
against you" and TO the tyranny OF many .
ridiculous fashion, its emnty against God, and
against common sense. How many stern and
searching texts, that just as much belong TO
Christianity as do its sweeter words have not
been preached from by any pulpit In this genera
ton, Just rs II all the vipers had been scotched
and we were already living In the millennium,
We need more independent pulpts, gospel not
Of balm merely, but that will bruse the serpent :
head,-a John the Baptist revival OF everyday
righteousness all the year round, that fights as
well as prays, that not only trusts In God, but
keeps its powder dry, that lives upon its income
and pays hundred cents on the dollar.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
VOL. 77.-3935. NO. %.

complicated. To hasten the completion of
the tunnel by providing additional faces on
which the workmen could operate, az well
as for the purpose of ventilation, il was de.
termined, as we have seen, TO sink a shaft
from the top of the mountain TO the level of
the tunnel, midway between the two ends.
Two factors were thus at once added TO the
problem; first, TO fix so accurately the point
on the mountain at which to begin the
downward excavation that when, after work
ing by faith four years-the estimated time
necessary-the miners should have reached
the requisite depth, they would be in the
exact line OF the projected and partly com
pleted tunnel and secondly, from that pit
in the depths Of the mountain, TO be able TO
aim their course in either direction 80 cor
rectly az 10 be sure OF meeting the company
of miners approaching them from both ex-
tremes Of the tunnel. In short, here we're
four tunnels to be made at the base Of the
mountain at one and the same time, and
another from the summit perpendicular to
them, and all TO be exactly In the same
plane, on penalty Of failure Of the entire en-
terprise IL was a difficult problem. But
1t was solved most triumphantly. When
the headings from the central shaft and
from the eastern portal came together, as
come together they did, their alignments
swerved from each other by the almost in
finitesimal space of fve-sixteenths of an
inch IT was an unparalleled feat of engin-
eering With the best engineering talent of
Europe the opposite arms Of the Mont Cents
Tunnel had divergence Of more than half
a yard. The office and worth of science were
admirably illustrated in the case of the
Hoosac. 1t was science, applied science,
which built this great thoroughfare of traf-
fic and travel Its lines and proportions
were all ascertained and laid down by sci
entific calculation.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
Brother Gardner on Negro MinstreIs.

az hev bin axed" began the old man as
the mercury in the thermometer hanging
alongside the stove began to boil, 81 hev
been axed what relashun de negro minstrel
troupe bars to the Guild race. To return
answer, should say dat it bars about the
same relashun dat hasty puddin' does to
ten thousand dollar paintn'. If dar am any
relashun whatever, hev nebber bin able TO
diskiver it. De Guild man may dance an
sing, but he nebber trabbles on his ignor-
anoe nor on de jokes an gags of de pas GIN
erashun. II twenty Guild men should put
on wigs an paint up to resemble twenty
white men, an sot down befo' de public an
ask why an elephant was like gimlet, an
what was the difference between clam on
de sand and sand on de clam, dey would
be hooted off de stage. Yet, de public will
see white men disguise deirselves as negroes
and applaud de gags, an jokes, an conun-
drums dat de poorest African in Detroit
would be ashamed to acknowledge. If de
public bankers fur sch shows, an mus hev
'em, let 'em go on, but doan' let white folks
deceive deirselves or be deceived. Continer
to call 'em negro minstrel shows, but doan'
look fur de negro in 'em. He amt dar
He's home in de busum of his family
warmin' his feet, learnin' de chilen' to read,
an tellin' de ole woman dat all flesh is grass. u
Detroit Free Press.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
Making Beautiful Years.

We greatly mistake If we think that there
is no opportunity for ordinary lives to make
their years beautiful, aud TO fill them with
acceptable Christian service. In the COM
mon relations of life there is room not only
for duty but for heroism. No ministry is
more pleasing to the Master than that of
cheerful and hearty faithfulness to lowly
duty, when there is no pen to write its his
tory and no voice to proclaim its praise To
be good husband, loving tender, unselfish
and cherishing, or a good wife, thoughtful,
helpful, accomplishing and inspiring, is
most acceptable service. To live well in
ones place in the world, adorning ones call
ing, however lowly, doing ones most prosaic
work diligently and honestly, and dwelling
in love and unselfshhess with all men, is to
live grandly. One who fights well the bat
tie with his own lusts and temper, in the
midst Of countless temptations and provoca-
tions of everyday life, is Christian hero.
There is no one, however obscure the life
and commonplace its duties, to whom the
opportunity is not given to make his years
beautiful as they pass. "She hath done
what she could" was one of the sweetest
Communications ever uttered by the Master.
An angel could do no more Westminster
Tsocbar
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
"Truly This Was the Son.

confess, when | can escape the deaden-
ing power of habit, and can receive the full
import of such passages as the following
"Come unto me, all We that labor aud are
heavy laden, and | will give you rest" 81
am come to seek and to save that which was
lost" He that confesseth me before men,
him will | confess before my Father in
heaven" Whosoever shall be ashamed of
me before men, of him shall the Son of man
be ashamed when he cometh in the glory of
the Father with the holy angels" In my
Fathers house are many mansions go to
prepare place for ou,"-I say, when | can
succeed in realizing the import of such
passages, feel myself listening to being
such as never before, and never since, spoke
in human language. l am awed by the
consciousness of greatness which these sim
pie words express. | am compelled to ex
claim with the centurion, "Truly this was
the Son of God."-W Z. Claiming.
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
Good Manners.

A few days ago, when there arose dis
cussion about the necessity Of a better, finer,
and increased teaching of morals in our
public schools, one gentleman remarked that
we needed also nicer aud more effective
teaching of manners. In New England, in
former times, all young persons " made their
manners to every one whom they met. In
Germany, to-day, all lads take off their hats,
all girls bow or courtesy to grown people in
passing, both in city and country. Such
acts wonderfully please and impress a
stranger, and crafty one who is not a
stranger to them. But in California chill
dren are rude, careless, free-and-easy, almost
everywhere. This is the more noticeable in
those who are on the way to school, or from
it because they are fresh from the scene OF
instruction, where all that is seemly and
beautiful is supposed to be taught them
Can the morals be good when the manners
are bad Can the home be sweet and or
derly out of which rude children troopr
Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1882-03-15
Filial Love.

There is not on earth more lovely sight
than the unwearied care and attention of
children to their parents Where filial love
is found in the heart we will answer for all
the other virtues. No young man or woman
will turn out basely, we sincerely believe,
who has parents respected and beloved a
child, affectionate and dutiful, will never
bring the gray hairs of its parents to the
grave in sorrow. The wretch who breaks
forth from wholesome restraints, and disre-
CARDS the laws of the country, must have
disobeyed his parents, showing neither love
nor respect for them. 1t is seldom the case
that dutiful son is found in the ranks of
vice, among the wretched and degraded.
Filial love will keep men from sin and crime.
There will not come time while your
parents live when you will not be under
obligations to them. The older they grow
the more need will there be for your assidu-
Gus care and attention TO their wants. The
venerable brow and frosty hair speak loudly
to the love and compassion of the child. If
sickness and infrmity make them at times
fretful, bear with them patiently, not forget
ting that time ere long may bring you to
need the same care and attention.