Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1882-03-11
SOME SHAKES.


Arkansas Ague.
Prom the Little Rock Gazette.
"Speakin' bout the Arkansaw ager," said the
man with the sandy goatee and squirt eyes as
he leaned back in his chair, "that's whar you
saw my heartstrings, in case I've got any left to
saw on Gentlemen, gaze on me-"
The crowd gazed
When / moved down into Arkansaw from
Tennessee risin' of sixteen Vars ago I was
purty-I was for fact. ] had a dozen sknle-
marins in love with me to once and hang me up
II every gal in the ballroom wouldn't break her
neck Tor the honOr OF danrin' with me! Yes
was purity. and was good. was so purity that
children cried for me- and so good that was
taken fur preacher on more'n hundred occa-
shuns- Whar has my purity gone? Why, I've
got to be the infernalist alligator in the hull
swamp. and I'm CROWN meaner at the rate of a
mile day3 Fact-solemn fact, and that can
tankerOus ager is to blame for the hull of it,
I've got squint to my eyes, my nose has bin
driven back an inch, and what teeth I've got
left have to be wedged in every Sunday with
pine pegs or I'd swallow 'em. Purity Why,
the sight of my phiz down in st. Louis killed a
Texas seer dead'rn door nail, and was try
ing to look handsome at that"
You said you had the ague"
said so? Do you 'spose all the other calam-
tiles in this hull kentry could have busted me up
this way? You bet had 'er l struggled with
'er right along fur 'leven straight vars without
let up. Gentlemen, let me harrer your souls
with few timely remarks. Your Michigan ager
is a grass-hOpper. and one dose of kyneen knocks
'er dead. Out in IllinOy the ageris bigger-abOut
like squirrel. In Missouri she's about the size
OF woodchuck, and when she strikes down into
Arkansaw. she's wolf three feet high, seven
feet long. and built to take hold like thousand
buZz-saws Great slams. but what tussels I've
| had with that ere crtter Say, did We ever ride
In One-hoSS waGin over q stone quarry? Was
We ever seated on the top rail of fence when a
hurricane moved it at the rate of six miles a
mint! Did We ever have cyclone pick We up
and mop We over forty acres of river bottom
wallop We through ten acres of woods and use We
for tool to knock down one hundred acres of
cane brake! Well that amt the ager-nOt the
Arhansaw kind; it's only the first faint Or tlim-
naries."
He stopped to relight his cigar and then con-
tinued:
II hain't long to live and don't keer to
stretch this thing any. Telin' the truth has
| allus bin my strong pint, and alus will be.
Maybe ye'll get some idea of the Arkansaw ager
when tell We that once unonted both Shout
ders in shakin, and it was q light shake at that
, When i had on one of my reg lar dOuble-back
action shakes / could jar a jug of whisky out
OF the crotch of tree twenty eight rods Off
! Nobody dast pile up cord wood within half
mile of my cabin. aud that's a solemn fact
devoured kyneen Just as you eat corn beef and
my hull system finally got so bitter that a dog
who smelt my leg couldn't get the quicker out
OF his mouth inside Of ten days. Gentlemen
do not wish to prolong this agony Ny failin' is
grub. Fust know Hump the ager and begin
on Arhansaw skeeters. and when get there I'd
halrer Yer souls till We couldn't sleep for two
weeks We will now have some licker and
Will seek few needed repOSes'