Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-10-09

An honest man is the noblest pursuit
of woman.
The best preparation to keep a lady's
hand ''free from chaps" is report that
she has no money.
'What is philosophy" 1t is something
that enables rich man to say there is no
disgrace in being poor.
1t is scarcely surprising that the age is
so full of falsehoods when such vast
number of words are compelled to pass
through false teeth.
"Who was the meekest man?" asked a
Sunday school teacher. ''Moses." every
well; who was the meekest woman?"
''Never was any,"
medical journal devotes a whole col
umn to explaining what caused cold per-
spiration. Any one who has gone up a
dark alley and stepped on dog would be
wasting valuable time in reading it.
''The man who complains of paying
$1,000 year for pew rent, went to the
Barnum show and took his wife and five
children, paying 81 each for reserved
seats. He is going to take cheaper pew,
and is in favor of reducing the salary of
the minister.
'The Illuminated buoy is wonderful
invention, read old Mrs. Pinaphor in her
daily paper. ''Well," she observed, 81
should think he was. And it is an excel
lent idea, too, for if the boy is illuminate
ed his mother will have less trouble find.
| ing him after dark"
A youth to fortune and to fame un.
known Dumas the manuscript of a new
play, asking the great dramatist to be-
come his collaboreteur. Dumas is for
moment petrified, then seizes his pen ant
replies: elbow dare you, sir, propose tc
yoke together horse and an ass?" The
author. by return of post: elbow dar,
you, sir, call me a horse?" Dumas, BY
next mail: "Send me your play, my young
friend.'
| . II
maker, who made large fortune by th
sale of an extensively advertised shoe
string of his own invention, wrote tn
following stanza as advice to those VIII,
wish to succeed in business:
eff you are wise and wish to rise,
Then pitch right in and advertise;
| IF CT
And let business go to pot"
A French lady recently died at the ad
vanced age Of ninety. Her will containe
this provision: 81 leave to my physician
whose enlightened care and wise prescrir
tions have made me live SO long, all tina
is contained in the old oaken chest in m
boudoir. The key of the chest will b
found under the mattress of my bed.
The heirs were much disturbed, for the
foresaw material diminution of thei
share of the property. The fortunat
and expectant physician at length arrived
The notary delivered to him the key t
the chest. 1t was opened and found t
contain solely all the drugs and potions
still intact, which the worthy physical
had given his patient for twenty year
back.
Boys composition on hens: Hens
curious animals. They don't have n
nose, no teeth, nor no ears. They swa
low their vittles whole, and chew it up
tbair cropS ipc;da Of ,ar, Tho ou+c;do
hens is generally put inter pliers an
into feather busters. The inside of he
is generally filed up with marbles ar
shirt-buttons and such. A hen is vel
much smaller than good many 9TH
animals, but they will dig up more toma
plants than anything that amt he
Hens is very useful to lay eggs for plu
pudding. Skinny Bates eat so much plu
pudding once that it set him into the &C
lery. Hens have got wings, and can i
when they are scarf. I cut my Unc
and it scarf her to death. Hens som
times makes very fine spring chickens.
Perhaps medicine is universally required a
good cathartic. Swayne's Pills are prepared exp.es
to meet this necessity, being composed of purely "
etable ingredients, Of which podophyll:n OF mandra
sarsaparilla, yellow dock and other concentra
Juices enter largely into their composlton the VIII
strength of which is extracted on an entirely n
principle. They are mild in their operation and
truly valuable aperient and anti-bilous medci
: They stimulate the liver to healthy action, cleal
the stomach and bowels of all impurities. Cur
sick and nervous headache, dyspepsia indigesti
y biliousness feveIs. drowsness. colds aching pal
slight chills with flashes of heat, and female ire
!. larties. For bilious and costve habit no medic
is sc prompt and efrectual Mailed receipt of pr
lin postage stamps), % cents. or five boxes for
Address DR.. Swayne Son. Philadelphia. Pa.
drr,rn far tI,or,,