The National tribune., 1882-12-21
SOME SIDE-SPLITTERS.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the News
papers.

papers.
Newspapers of some use: Whoever doubt,
that the newspapers have a mission should
enter car and see how useful they are to the
men when fat women with big basket is
looking around for a seat-LOuel Citizen.
Why bugle trimmings are so called: "Why
are those things on your dress called bugle
trimmings ?" George wanted to know. "Oh,"
Emily replied, lightly because pa blows so
over the bill."-BnrIingtOn Hark-Eye.
The difficulty: Health journals say that to
retain a sound constitution a man must lie on
the right side. Yes, but which is the right
side? Every lawyer, preacher, aud editor in
the country thinks the side he is lying on il
the right One.-Texa8 Sjftings.
Supposing a case: He said he didn't intend
to stay a minute, but just dropped in to ask a
little advice on a business matter. Suppose"
he continued THAT / wanted to raise a
thousand dollars to meet sudden emergency?"
" Yes" " would naturally go TO the bank ;"
" You would" Il would give a note for ninety
days and it would have to be indorsed?" "Ex-
actly." And in case you indOrsed it for me"
:" / should expect to be obliged to pay it. Good
morning. ."-Detroit Free Press.
He survived: He was pretty close man,
without doubt. At breakfast he cut an egg in
two, and gave the new hired man one half of
it. The help ate it, and held out his plate for
egg!" "Of course 1 do," said the man. The
boss stared blankly at him moment, and then,
pushing the half-egg across the table, snappishly
cried: Take it, eat it, and kill YOURSELF"
The man ate it, and is still alive.-Bailey's
Budget.
A remarkably smart drummer: "Have you
seen the new style of sleeping cars?" inquired
drummer of the conductor. "No, think not"
he replied; what are they like?" "Weil,
they differ from any 1 have yet seen, and
don't think they will be very popular" "What
are they caled?" Prohibition cars" "That's
a somewhat singular name,' thoughtfully
unused the ticket-taker. why are they so
called?" Because" said the cute commercial
traveller, they won't have any porter aboard
brakes Trarei,er'S Magazine.
A small story of two sons: "Lemme tell
yer" exclaimed old Nathan, arising at an edu-
catiOnal meeting and addressing the assem-
blage, ida amt half as much in eddycatiOn as
a man in a moment OBJ 'thusiasm mout promul-
gate. l raised two town sons Jim went ter
school an got a good eddycation, but Tom
stayed home an neber looked inter a book, but
yit he made a quicker showin' dan jim"
HOw?" asked chorus of voices, why, he
beat him inter de penitentiary by two days."
exclaimed the old man, as he sat down with the
air of one who feels that the weight of evidence
is in his favor.-Ieras SJtingS.
A fathers considerate caution: hunter
fired at a bird as it few over the door yard of
an Arkansaw residence. A boy that was play
ing around was struck by couple of shot, and
his loud cries brought the former to the scene
"What have you dOne?" he demanded of the
huIser, drawing revolver. " l beg ten thou
sand pardOns," exclaimed the hunter. " In my
eagerness to secure the bird l fired thought
lessly, and | fear that, I have seriously wound
ed your SON." Son." said the old man. "I
thought that you had hit my dog. Mind how
you shoot around here, for if you put shot
into that dog, I'll cut off both your ears
ArhanSaU TraUeler.
The use of knowledge of French: Miss Lili-
rouge, who has learned" French, was saying
the other day that she found it quite convenient,
while in public conveyance, to speak French
when she wished to say something that she
didn't wish everybody to understand. "Why,"
said she. last evening talked in French to
sister Millie all the way home" "Did your
said Fogg, but how do you know that there
were not some people in the car who under
stood French?' ~ "Oh that wouldn't matter"
remarked Nillie: "they wouldn't have under
stood sister. Even 1 had to guess what she
meant, and you know l am quite familiar with
her French. h."-BOStOn Transcript
One better: A Minister of the Interior in
Germany, who was fond of boasting of his nu-
merous olive branches, arrived while travelingas
q small town in mountainous district, where
he came across a forester, whom he invited to
dinner. "Are you aware" he said, jovially,
that you are dining with the mostabundsntly
blessed father of family in all Prussia? ?"
- Am l, indeed?" exclaimed the man. MAY
I ask how many children your Excellency
has?" "FOur-and-twenty," was the proud
reply "In that case," said the forester, "may
l request you to stay over tomorrow and stand
godfather TO my twenty-ffth?" His Excel
lency's face fell, but he complied with the re-
quest of his rival, who had beaten him by one.
-4pOu