The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-01-14
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES
Parapets--Twins.
A bitter number-Qui-nine.

Parapets-Twins.
A bitter number-Qu.nine.
Never known to get Notwithstanding debts.
Not suitable for clothes line-A cord OF wood.
The Black Crook-A darkeys elbow while TAX
in suthn'.
Bound to make man cross-Getting to the
other side of the street.
A good husband, like good base burner, new
er goes out at night.
The question as to who shall be Speaker OF the
House has to be settled after every marriage
American girls love the margod and some to
marry gold, though no one would like 10 tell one
of them so dorchester ErpreSS.
Mrs - asks her husband, when he scru.
ples about money for a new dress, how many
scruples he has when he wants dram.
1t is scarcely surprising that the age is so full
Of falsebood when such vast number Of words
have to pass through false teeth,
1t now announced on authority of IAN emf
pent physician" that it is not healthy to rise be-
fore eight O'Clock in the morning This applies
TO men Women can rise as early as seven, and
start the fires heretofore.
The proprietor of new billiard room in Dal'
las, Texas, expressed his earnest hope that Tex
ans will there employ 'their proverbal scientific
precision of the eye. in making sure shots"
"Alice' writes to a New York story paper: "a
young man comes to see me six nights week;
should consider ii as being engagedF II WEI
were her father and mother we should consider
that she was engaged altogether too much,
and tell the young man 20 curtail his visits NJ
both ends.-NoJTjSfo,oH He'dfd
A Colorado man kindly remembered the edi-
tor of the Farbury IndeDendeht Biadc on Thanks
giving day by sending him the ham of mule,
which was graciously received and devoured un.
der the Impression that It was deer. When the
mad editor found out how he had been imposed
upon he raised an awful row, and If the Colora
do man ever comes back here he will think that
the dearest meat he sent to Illinois -Pontidc
Sentinel,
Queen Victoria wants her only remaining
daughter to marry an American, and the British
Minister is charged with the responsibility OIL
looking up suitable husband. To prevent any
misunderstanding, we say it kindly but firmly
the editor Of this paper will reject any matrlmo
NAL overtures from a proposed mother.in law
but proposals from the lady herself will received
the consideration their merits demand. Business
Is business with this olice.-Henry Vatteson.
Among the numerous New Years pictorials is
sued by our enterprising contemporaries, that of
the Lincoln Times excellcd all others in the stun
ming gorgeousness of its woodcuts In mercy
to the artists who supply woodcuts for the Har
pers, Scribners, &C., and who otherwise must die
OF envy to see such rival growing up in the
west, the least that can be done with the Lincoln
artist is to shoot him.
1t is said that if you have presence OF mind
enough to face raging bull and look straight
into his eyes he Is powerless TO. do you harm. |
We tried this experiment once and found 1t
worked admirably. The fierce animal tore the
ground with his feet and beloved with all his
might; but something seemed to hold him back |
like magic and he did us no injury. Perhaps
we ought to add, in order 10 be correct hstori- |
cally. that the bull was on the other side OF the
fence. We never try an experiment of that kind
without taking the proper precautions before
hand. " Y. HcraM.
The editor of the Tilsonberg, Canada Liberal
having got married, breaks out edtorially as fol-
lows: "Of all the joys vouchsafedt to man in life's
tempestuous whirl there is nothing that ap.
proaches so near heaven as company with girl
"a rosy, laughing, buxOm girl; frank, good
natured, honest girl; feeling, flirting, dashing,
doting, smiling, smackng jolly, joking, jaunty,
ioyial, poscr-poking, dear little duck Of girl;
the funniest hushest frankest, fairest, roundest,
ripest, rogushest, rarest, spicicst squirmiest,
squarest, best Of girls, with dropping lashcs
half concealing humorous flashes-with rosy
cheeks and clustering curls, the sweetest and
best Of girls" He's got the honeymoon pretty
bad that's certain
Noah Webster once found himself in Baltimore
without red cent in his pocket. He started Il
singing school and soon had money enough to
take him to Boston. Such is the historical fact
lust set forth by the Baltimore An,ercan A man
IN Joliet found himself broke last Sunday start. |
ed game Of poker, and now has $40 left after
paying for the drinks. Beat that if you can,
There is no need of mentioning names. but we
can prove it,-Jolet NcTS.