Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1882-04-22

y landlord expects two per cent more
rent when the street is called an avenue.
- COUFici-.jOHWui.
The Philadelphia B"'iC'ja says it is TO
the gladiatOrs of old that we owe the
origin of the Roman punch.
The hardest rocks are made of the
SOfteSt mud, just aS the biggest SweiIs
are made from the smallest mcn.-Lp-
Ir,H citizen.
James J. Noon is the name ola chap
who offers to fight any man in the
world. He'll fluid somebody yet who'll
make him wonder why his name
stopped in the middle of the day
Detroit Free Press.
Pathetic: The most pOetical thing in
real life that we ever gaZed upon was
veteran of the late war weeping over
the grave of n Sutler to whom We owed
$l5O.-NC,c York Commercial AdrCHiScr.
"Tm no sectarian," said Joe Shuttle, as
he grew warm i'll religious argument.
al believe every man ought to be strict
PreSbYterian." ana then he looked
around in wonder rs an audible smile
waited into the evening air.-N"w
HWCn Register.
1lOublCS va ~ NltNllN lAlsRh' N'SNA
heavens, what's the matter, old
Chappie? Indigestion"" "Indigcstion,
indeed! Pve promised this waltz to
Lady GorgonzOla GrimSaw. The
music sactually begun -and-and--Ivc
lost the solitaire out of my shrtfrontw
A distinction with q difference: at
is not necessary for a man TO he poor
TO be honest. Certainly not. Bat
it seems sort o. half way necessary for a
man to he honest. y distinction with
quite difference, it will be >cen.--Nc'"
Hdrca Register.
An equivOcal compliment: I'm 80
glad to meet you here, Captain Spinks.
and so glad you're going to take me
into dinnerw Captain :. is delighted
| "NOnre about the only man in the
room my husband isn't likely to be
jealous Of" capt. Spink>' delight is no
| no longer unmiNed.
Aftera man has paid SIS for choice
grape vines, watched and tended them
tor three years, and had the pleasure of
picking seven sour grapes OIL the
biggest vine, nobody but tiend would
sit down and figure to him that seventy.
five cents would buy more fruit than he
| could raise in five years.-Ffec Press.
At Kokomo William Richard Long,
a tramp, was lynched, the whole town
being spectators. He also said the only
request he had 10 make was to be
allowed to sing before he died. This
was granted, and he sang "See That
My Grave is Kept Green" Probably
his little game was to start them all on
the run for the woods and so escape,
but he didn't know how tough they
werC.-BOStOR Post.
Country woman to parSOn, who had
called TO ask why Johnny, the eldest,
had not been lately to school: why,
he was thirteen year sold last week, sir!
I'm sure hc've had school enough. He
must know almost everything now"
Parson: Thirteen, Mrs. Napier.
Why, that's nothing. didn't finish
nv education till was three-and-twen-
tyr" Country woman: "Lor, sir!
You don't mean to say that you were
such 'thickhead' as that"
High art: Artist: "There is the
barn, with the pigeon on it. The barn,
YOU see, is supposed to be half mile
away" Visitor: "But there are the
pigeons feet. You can see them dis
tinctly.n Artist: "Of course, made
them plain on purpose" Visitor:
what Do you mean TO say that there's
man living who can see pigeons feet
halfa mile away" Artist "Oh, sure
enough. Don't mention this. / can fix
them feet. "-LOuisCWe Courier Jour
nal.
At the box office window: "Got any
seats?" "Yes, we've got four hundred
Of 'em." "How much do they costs"
"They cost us nine dollars apiece" ~
mean how much'll have to pay for
two of them?" "Three dollars" care
you sure they're good seats?" "Well,
they're covered with raw silk" care
those the seats there on the diagram"
''No, they're inside; that only shows
you how to find them" Twill they be
here for me tonight" "Well, they're
screwed to the flOOr,--.SaDlddy CoHrier,