davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1882-08-02
aUMOR on THE DAY.

HUMVk UE HE DAAs
Has it ever occurred to baseball men
that a milk pitcher is generally . good
fly catcher?
"I am broken man," said poet
Well" said his friend, II inferred
that from your pieces"
ga babe" says writer, "is
mothers anchor" We have often
heard that the first thing she does Is TO
weigh it.
It makes very little difference what
the weather may be in other parts Of
the country in April and May, they
always have Hot Springs in Arkansas.
What makes Colonel - 80 pop
ular? I'm sure he's very stupid. BE
eau hardly see beyond his nose" said
lady to a friend, whoreplied: 'sMy dear,
sharp-sightedness is not what makes \
person popular. 1t is what the colonel
doesn't see that gives him such popular
ity."
There are a number of circumstances
that will take the conceit out Of man,
and one of the chief is, after taxing
turn up the street and Judging by the
way they look at you that you are
making stunning impression on the
girls, to find on your return that your
hat has been on wrong side foremost all
the time.
The notion was prevalent in the
Middle Ages that the diamond, taken
internally, is deadly poison. Ben
venuto Cellini details an attempt to
poison him by causing diamond powder
| to be mixed with his salad, and.
attributes his escape to the rascality Of
the lapidary employed, who kept the
diamond, and administered powdered
glass.
"This is funny doctrineI" exclaimed
Brown, who had been reading Of metem-
psychosis. 'sThe idea OF the human
soul entering the body of an animal J
According to this doctrine, my soul,
after get through with il, may inhabit
the body of iackass!' Sand why not?'
asked Fogg, demurely. 'It would GER
tainly feel more at homo there than
anywhere else"
Some years ago, at public dinner, q
Dutohman, Just from Holland, was one
| OF the company; and during the banquet
he paid so much attention to . roasted
sucking.pig Immediately in fiont Of his
plate that he devoured the entire ami
NAL. As he finished the last morael,
unctuous and savory, a bustling waiter
asked him what he would Ike to DO
helped to next. "Oh," replied the
feeder, "I'll dank you for Won more of
dem leetle hoks"
A commercial traveller, who ig some
thing Of a wag, thus relates his ex-
perience: he and his companions we're
the sole occupants of the smoking car.
They tried to converse, but the road
was so rough they were pitched from
side TO side like a ships passengers.
At last they were able to make each
other understood. One said, ''Dan, the
old thing is running smoother" To
which Dan replied: eyes, guess she
has got off the track"
SUCH Is LITE
A girl,
whirl,
A dance,
A glance,
Some cOy, eoquettish intrigue.
A walk,
A talk,
A sweet
Retreat,
pensive sigh half sitting.
gate,
Quite late,
Oh, bliss,
7 kiss
What would my mamma say, sir
thick
Ash stick,
whRck
My back
"You're getting quite too gay, sir."
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1882-08-02
I,OnnIerrd On the DOctor.

DIR. Louis, of New Orleans, who is
something of wag, called on a colored
minister, and propounded few puzzling
questions. "Why is it," said he, "thRt
you are not able TO do the miracles that
the Apostles did? They were % tected
against all poisons and all nds OF
perils. How is it you are p iotected
now in the same way?o
The colored pre esponded
promptly Don't n. bout that,
doctor. / spect / is. I've taken a
mighty sight Of strong medicine from
you, doctor, aud is alive yet"
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1882-08-02

Conversation turned on a late mar
rage between December and May, some
of the gentlemen pooh-poohing, the
match. But the lady stoutly cham
pioned the frostbitten Benedict. "Why'
said she. "every man ought to keep
himself married ss long as he lives.
Now, here's my husband ! What wonl9
he be good for without wife 7 II !
should die tonight he would gea
another wife tomorrow, l nope:
Wouldn't you, josiah ?" Josiah Dreatneu
heavily and seemed to sum up the con-
nubiai torments Of a lifetime IN ms
calm response: ''No. my aeAf' ! 'ninA :
/ should take rest +
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1882-08-02

A man never looks so Ikea red-hano-
al villain As when he is told by the pho
tographsr 70 look pleasant
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1882-08-02

Every man is occasionally what he
ought TO be pepetually.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29
Up on the Eastern Question

Il think that Alexandria business
was all wrong" said M. Knowall
to his friend Bighead, as the twain
took the accustomed positions at
the bar.
"How so ?" said Mr.. Bighead, as
the barkeeper slung out a bottle of
rye, tlanked by two small glasses,
and followed this up with "a couple
of ice waters neat.
ooh, they didn't start right, F." said
Mr.. KnoWall, filling his glass. In
my opinion Arab Bey should have
been looted at the word go,and then
old Seymour could have bombarded
the Infexible at his leisure. OF
course the French might object, but
what of that ? Now, if | had been
at the head of those forts, | should
nave blown up the entire Egyptian
fleet with gun cotton and spiked all
Arabs in town. There's nothing
like playing bold hand on such oc-
casiOnS.'
you IRE right, +" said Bighead, as
he poured out his dose. "NOW |
didn't see any sense in the American
admiral sailing round Ras-e l-Tin
Palace the way he did and Ginning
the Khedye. 1t amt right, | tell
you, and Wen get into a fight with
France before we know 1t, if he
keeps on the way lie is doing We
haven't any eighty ton gunboats
to stand up against those Turkish
ironclads If had my way | should
order that admiral lone and retire
him on half pay"
You are right" said Kn0wall,
taking sip Of ice water. The
whole business has been bOtched.
What was the use Of the German
Council laying siege train OF
British Commissioners into Con-
stantinOple Tell me that ?"
Not the slightest, said BIghead.
Its strange to me that such men
as you and /, who know something
about common sense, at least, are
kept in the back ground, while pure
idiots go to the front"
Its nothing but luck" said Mr..
Knowall. "If they'd only give us a
chance; but there, they won't, and
that settles it" and the wise men
filled them up again before startling
in on a scientific discussion.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29
The Pretty sssisy's Draw
backs.

Boston Letter 10 Hartford Coarant,
The favorite flower in Boston just
now is what young ladies' call the
daisy, bat which is more familiar to
farmers aud others who have lived
in the country as the white weed
One meets it every where, Ladies
pluck it and wear it in punches over
their persons or trim their hats and
dresses with it, and nearly every
house among aesthetic tastes has it
IN the form of a boQuet. / suppose
1t IS as plenty In the fields with you
as with us. 1t is really a very hand.
some Hover, but is very common,
and to farmers there is no weed so
pestiferous 1t it gets into field it
will spread as nothing else will, and
it refuses to be uprooted. The pillow
will not half the time kin it. Cat.
tie will not eat it; it devours the
succulent grasses; 1t is the despair
of the agriculturalist. There might
be market for it for ornamental
purposes were it not for its mex
haustible plenty. We raise enough
about Boston alone TO supply a con-
tinent. There is no roadside with
out it, and 1t will not down in the
field, People have begun to take it
up for house plant TO flower in
winter, and very good success has
been met with in this way.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

and self-possession coming back.
LAY those things back where you
found them and get away, OF | will
shout for help"
Shout as loud as you please, my
beauty! Ii viii be your eathyell
and his" said the man, coming
nearer, and nodding at the uncon
scious Captain.
"Man, have you no soul that you
would do this ?" she asked, her eyes
fastened upon his.
"Soull Wall, / don't know
whethar | have or not, and / don't
care, " he laughed.
Then he began backing towards
the door He would certainly have
backed out, had not the doctor at
that moment appeared in the same
opening and taken in the situation.
The doctor was "a stalwart man,
armed with a heavy cane, and this
cane he brought down with such a
crushing force on the ghoul's head
that he fell in collapsed heap.
The articles were taken from the
man, and he was sent to Jail, where
he afterwards died of the plague.
1t would take too long to tell how
Mary nursed the Captain back to
life, aud how she, worn out with
watching, was stricken down.
Captain Parker became nurse
again, and Mary Bent was snatched
from the jaws of death.
This story became a tradition to
the people of Memphis, and in telling
it, they will always close, to the de-
light of young and old, by saying:
"Mis5 Bent is now Mrs. Captain
Parker, and the widow Bent gained
a worthy son, when certain she had
lost a daughter"
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29
A Disguised Darlkey.


els dis de place whar man ken
git a divorce 2" asked a colored gem
tleman Of the old school, entering a
lawyers office.
Eyes, sir; walk right in"
"Thankee, sab. l want a divorce
from de meanest black oman dat
ever wore a Handkerchief on her
head"
"What ground have you fora di-
vorce ?"
"Tse got whole field full of
grounds, sab. "
"Well what has she done lately ?"
"She hit me with skillit, sold my
britches, pizened my dog, and con-
iured de well till de water amt fit to
drink. DENIS grounds enough"
"HoW long have you been marri-
ed ?"
"Ain't married tall. De 'oman
is my aunt, sab. Can't get a divorce
yer say =? Is de law gwine to lat dat
oman stay in de house and make
misery outer my life Jis mark my
name often de tax list, please.
Wouldn't vote again fur dis country
fur any mans money. Good day,
sah."
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29
Romance of a. Dead Con.
Vicf.

A convict recently died in the
Eastern Peuitentiary, in Philadel-
phia, who was known as w. T..
King, though that was not his true
name. 1t is understood that his
father is one of the chief officers in
the Peabody Bank of London. The
youth came to this country in 1876
to see the centennial show and "don
the country, He was provided with
funds, and having no one to restrain
him, he ran the full course Of wild
and ri0tous career. Fast horses, fast
men and still faster women made his
dollars fly, until he found himself
towards the close Of the exhibition
reduced in finances. Two or three
times he wrote to his father, who
promptly RENTED funds and also
wrote a letter full of tenderness and
regard, warning the son to take care
of his money and keep out of bad
company. He needed not, and fell
in with gang of thieves. Core
spondence with home ceased. The
young man destroyed all traces of
his family, and started upon the
down road. He was at last detected
in a big scheme of forgery and SEN
fenced TO five years Imprisonment.
He was too proud to confess what
had happened, and wrote a letter to
his parents, saying that he would
not be heard from for five years.
81 am tired of the United States,
and want to see he world. ! am
going to see Australia, 50 do not
worry about me-" is what he wrote.
His trip around the world consisted
in pacing the bare floor Of a 7x9 cell
at the penitentiary, and the deluded
father is in ignorance of the fate of
his son. In his last moments he
commenced a letter to his father, but
it was never finished and he eXpir-
ed with the paper clutched in his
hand.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29
LYDIA H.. PlNKHAM'S
VEGETABLE COMPOUND
For ak those Painfal onpl ANTS aud
Weaknesses 50 Common to orr
Female Popn'ation
Is A rssitive Cure

For ak 'hose Painfal tompl ANTS AUD
Weaknesses 50 Common To orr
Female Population.
Il win cure entirely the worst firm of
Female Complaints, all ovarian troubles.
inflammation and liberation, Failing and
Displacements, aud the consequent SIinsl
Weakness, and is particularly adapted to
the Chsnge of Lite
1t win dissolve and txpel tuners from
the uterus ia an early stage Of derelop-
ment. The tendency to cancerous humors
there is checked yery speedily 10y its use
II removes faintness, fatuleney, de-
stroys all craving for stimulants, and re-
lieves weakness of the stomach II cures
Bloating, Headaches Nervous Prostra.
ton, General Debility Seeplessness De-
preston and Indigestion.
That feeling OF barring down, causing
paiu, weight and baekaehe Is always per
mauently cured by its use
It will at all times and under all cir
eumstanees act in harmony with the laws
that govern the female system
For the cure of Kidney Complaints Of
either sex this compound is unsurpassed
LYDIA II. PINKHAM'S VEGETABLE
COMPOUND is prepared AZ 233 and 235
Western Avenue, Lynn, Mass Price 81
Six bottles fer So Sent by mail in the
form of pills also in the form Of lozangers,
on receipt Of price, S per box for either
Mrs. Pinkham freely answers all letters of
inquiry Send for pamphlet Address as
above. Mention this paper.
No family should be without LYDIA
L. PINKdAMS LIVER PILLS. They
cure constipation, biliousness, and tor
pidity of the liver, % cents per box
~ Sold by ALI Druggists. .qsa
nO26-ly.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

> U p e RIOR EXCELLENCE TT Q
reasons for Peruna's superior ex
cellence in all diseases, and its me-
dus operandi, are fully explained in
DR.. Hartman's lecture reported in
his book on the Ills Of Life, and
How to Cure Them" from page to
page 10, though the whole book
should be read and studied to get
the full value Of this pdr-eccetlcnce
remedy. These books can be had at
all the drug stores gratis
PeranG is the best immediate Ex-
pectorant Cough Medlcine), that
has yet been compounded by physi-
clan or druggist. There is nothing
in medical print that can at all
compare with it. And no less so is
it the very best Tonic, Stimulant,
Nervine, Diuretic, Alternative, Anti
ID speptic, Appetizer, H@matic,
blood Medicine) sc. &c, that has
ever been compounded by doctor or
layman. 1t should, therefore, al
ways be kept on hand for immediate
use.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

LANO st. Cloud Buildings
Washington, D G. Practices before the
United States General Land Office. Con-
tested cases, private land elaine, mining,
presumption and homestead cases prose-
cuted before the Department Of the Ia
terror and Supreme Court; and all classes
Of claims before the Elk cutiye Depart
ments. Special attention given to town
site cases. Land warrants, homestead
floats, and all kinds Of land scrip bought
and sold. ma6.tf.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

The Worlds Dispensary and In
valids' Hotel, at Buffalo, N. Y,
destroyed by fire year ago, IS re-
built and full Of patients. For I'm
valid's Guide Book" giving partic-
ulars and terms Of treatment, adj
dress, with two stamps, Worlds Dis
pensary Medical Association, Buffa-
10, N. Y.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

Before going away on his summer
vacation, the wise young man will
leave enough money with his laun-
dress and landlady to settle up for
the three months he will be without
cash on his return.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

What beast is so low as we no.
bic men who get drunk The pig
wallows in the mud, but retains its
right mind. We walloW in whiskey
but lose our mind. The pig is far
ahead.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

If all the fools in the world were
to put white caps on their heads
what an enormous flock Of geese we
should make.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

Now suffering from wounds or disease Of
any kind caused by military service are
entitled to Pension Widows, minor
children dependent mothers or fathers Of
soldiers who died from the effects Of their
service are also entitled Many invalid
pensioners are entitled to an increase.
Careful assistance given 10 Delayed or
Rejected Claims, as many can be allowed
with but little more evidence. Complete
instructions with references sent on appli
cation. CHAS. Il GEO. A KING, At
torney. at-Law, 9l6 F St., Washington,
d. G. jyl
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29

Ner yousness, peeyishness, and
fretting, SO often connected with
oyerwogked females lives, is rapidly
relieved by Browns Iron Bltters.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1882-07-29
JOHN HOMRICH'S
Spring and Summer
announcement.

Ny Stock of Spring and Sum
mer Goods is now on the shelves
and a fuller, better stock was
never shown in this market.
/ have Everything new in
DRESS GOODS! Every
thing new in SILKS f! Every
thing new in PARASOLS !!
Everything new in NEJK-
WEAR +! Everything new in
Housekeeping Goods Every
thing new in Hosiery! Every
thing new in Laces &c, &c.
All of which | will sell at my
UNIFORM LOW RATES.
TIP TOP FAST-CoL0RED PRINTS,
RUSSIA CRASH, MADRAS DRESS
GINGHAMS, FAST C0L0RED TUR-
KEY.RED DAMASK. CLOTHS, JEANS,
MEMS AND BOYS SUMNER WEAR
CARPETS, OILCL0THS, &C.
nv-A L STAPLE GOODS WILL BE
SOLD AS CHEAP AS ANY IN IEE
MARKET ~sas.
NO TROUBLE TO SHOW u
CALL AND SEE MY STOCK
JOHN H0MRlC
my6 81 QUEEN STREE.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22
mDOrtant Inform alton.

Olcovich Brothers, not wishing to
carry large: heavy stock over the
season, have determined to give their
patrons a genuine and positive reduc-
ton sale. For the next 80 days we
will sell our entire stock at 10 per cent.
b, low original cost. This sale is Il
forced necessity to make room for our
Spring importations. Sweeping reduc-
tions in every department. a revolu-
ton in the shoe trade. Note a few of
our reductions Children's calfskin
Balmorals, S1.25 a pair misses calf
SIX in Bllmor,ls, Sl.5O pair; ladies'
cloth kid faced Balmorals, sl.25 pair;
ladies' cloth kid faced button boots
$50 Il pair; ladies', French kid button
boots, 81 a pair; ii yards good bleached
muslin fer 81 Pacific poplins l2l cents
yard. worth 30, and all other good
in ropOrti0n. This is the best oppor-
tunty ever offered to secure genuine
bargains. Don't fail to avail your
selves of this offer.
OLCOVICH BROTHERS.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22

The b0ndSmnn of cX-Shcri.f LlOy d
Hill, after having paid a large amount
of money to cover his embcZZlement,
are now called upon each TO pay from
500 to 5000 more in the Nash and
Kennedy suit which come Time ago
was decided in favor of the latter The
payment of this money will work
great hardship on several of the bonds
men, and place them in the most en-
barrassirg situation. The cX-Sheritf
for whom they are made to suffer, had
most ingenious method for pulling
the wool over the eyes of those who
had confidence in his integrity, Il virtue
that his actions while in office pr"ved
him entirely devoid Of. He squandered
money with a free hand, and he was
thought princely fellow until the fact
was brought to light that others would
have to pay for his generosity" There
are IA number of men serving terms in
the State Prisons of this coast just for
what Hill did, and why he was not
prosecuted is a mystery. His en-
beZZlement amounts to several thou
sands of dollars, of which his sureities
will never see cent.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22
THE MEETING LAST NIGHT.

A Large and Enthusiastic Gathering
Delegates Chosen to the Auti-Snir csc
Convention.
There was a good attendance last
evening at the District Court room, in
response to the call for mass meeting
! to select delegates to the Anti-Chinese
! Convention to be held in San Fran
! cisco on the 24th instant. The meet
/ ing was gathering of Republicans and
Democrats, and was harmonious in all
respects. In choosing officers and rep
resentatives both parties We'd with
each other in chivalric courtesy, Dem
ocratS being nominated by Republi-
cans and vice versa. There is but one
sentiment in our county on the Chinese
question, and it is, in the broadcst
sense, universally opposed to the fur
Their influx of Chinese.
The meeting was presided over by
Chief Justice Leonard and Major w.
Garrard.
George B. Hill and J. c. Harlow were
elected Secretaries.
Secretary of State Jasper Bahcock
and Judge T. w. Healy, a member Of
the Democratic State Central Commit
tee, were elected delegates to represent
the citiZeus of Ormshy county at the
Pacific Coast Anti-Chinese Convention.
Appropriate speeches were made by
Judge Leonard, Judge Harris, Jasper
Babcock, Judge Healy and Mr. Robin |
son, after which the meeting adjourned. |
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22
Making Repairs.

Yesterday the County Commissioners
put lot Of men to work tearing
up the old porch in front of the County
Building: and otherwise making pre-
partitions for general clean up and
new Improvements. The present APP
pearance of the building has for many
years been Il disgrace to Carson. Strain
gers have frequently asked wha, the
"ancient ruin " was used for, and in
replying the proud Carsonite would
blush to the roots of his hair. But soon
more youthful aspect, and our vanity
will in the future be protected against
rude shocks.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22
Slow Work

The decentralization wrangle drags
its length slowly along. Mr.. Wren
yesterday, anticipating slow hearing,
proposed to Mr.. Stewart that both sides
should furnish written affidavits to
Justice Leonard and permit the wit
nesses to return home. Mr.. Stewart
declined the proposition, heEce the
case goes on. AT the rate that they are
proceeding, but one witness being en-
amined erch day, it is more than prob
able that one week from to-day will
not see the end.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22
NauseatinS ATectatiOr

AS the names of the wealthy bank
ers, John rarrott and Joseph D,uah"-,
are nearly as we'll known in Carson rs
they are in San Francisco, we rerr1-
duce in this issue brief account of :,
wedding that took place between te
| respective offsprings of the above piu-
tocrats on Wednesday. If the follow
ing, which was telegraphed by the
ASS Press, is not the shoddiest of all
the shoddy slush that has been trans
mittcd across the wires during the past
year, we are greatly Mistaken. Orii-
nary marriage ceremonies are not good
enough for these grandchildren of hod
carriers, but they must be married like
the "crowned heads Of Europe." 1t is
this class of people who would not
weep at the overthrow of the -Ameri-
can Republic they want crowned
eads on this continent SO they mi ht
purchase patents Of nobility:
The Parrot-D0nahue wedding to-day
was signalized by some notable features.
The bride received presents to thn
amount Of about $500, O00, consis ing f
bonds, real estate, jewelry, etc y
special benedictien WAS received from
the Pope. The marriage service of tn"
Catholic Church was celebrated accord |
inc to the forms used in the case OF the
.r0UnpI heads If E'urppp
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1882-04-22

Milton No"les' splendid dramatic
company with the latest American
novelty, "Interviews," will appear at
the Opera House on Monday night.
The Eastern cities are enthusiastic over
the play, and pronounce it perfect
gem. 1t carries great interest from
the ringing up Of the first curtain to
the drop in the last act. Those who
desire good seats should call at
Tobriner's store without delay.