davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The news., 1882-06-29
THE nIEANEsT MAN.

"The meanest man in this world, 7"
said DIR. Ridpath, as the rain ratified
and splashed against our windows at
Greencastle, "the meanest man in this
world is the man with the memoran-
dunn book. He carries it const antly
whenever a fellow man makes slip or
stumbles little, whenever he falls
into fault, SO often as he wanders
out Of the way, every time he goes
wrong or does wrong, whatever
blunder, whatever slip, whatever mis-
take or misdeed he commits, ont
comes the memorandum book and
down goes the indelIible circumstan-
tial account of the offense. And years
after, whenever the penitent tries to
come back into society and asks the
world to give him chance, if all the
rest OF the world has forgotten or for
given his ofense the man with the
memorandum book has not. He
whips out his memorandum, cries to
society, Hold on minute; I'll tell
you all about this fellow and then
he finds the page and reads it off,
date, place and circumstance. There
are mean men and villains in this
world, but there is no reptile SO Shiny,
has no enemy SO despicsble as the
man with the memorandum book"
And the doctor shook bis brainy head
above the long brown beard-may
blessing multiply on thy manly head
and boyish heart alike; if every man
in the world carried a memorandum
book, they could write down only the
good about theel But long after
The news., 1882-06-29
NOT INSANE but VERY MAD.

The gentleman who has been tray
cling around town for the past day
or two with half mustache on his
upper lip is not insane, but you can
bet your bottom dollar that he is
mad.
Last Saturday evening, while hav-
ing good time with party Of good
fellows, he was joked some about his
vanity with reference to his mustache
and after he had been worked up to
the proper pitch, vicious friend in
the crowd offered him ten dollars for
the hair on his upper lip. The offer
was promptly accepted, the cash paid,
an assignment made, and then the ten
dollars were expended in frightening
the good time. The following day
the friend called for delivery of the
mustache. A move was made for q
baber shop and the laxative gentle-
man of the striped stick got out his
implements; and then all the 6endish-
ness of that friend was displayed. He
announced that he wanted but half
of the mustache for the present, and
- =
insisted on the other half being kept
until called for. Threats had no
effect; tears were Of no avail; and
therefore it is that the gentleman goes
about town with one side of his upper
lip covered with hair and the other
side as smooth, and soft and kissable
as maiden's mouth--Free Press.
The news., 1882-06-29
THE HOTEL CLERK.

A newly arrived and singularly as
sorted couple at the Fifth avenue
hotel, consisting of Londoner and
an out-and-out American western
man, stood watching the throng of
people coming and going at the mar
BILE counter the other evening, and
listened with surprise to the endless
number of quick questions made to
the hotel clerk about trains, rooms
aud individuals, and his instantaneous
replies, when the Englishman broke
out with !:
"Most extraordinary man, seems to
known everybody and everything
wonder if there is any question about
. railway train or any person that
he can't answer"
"I'll bet half dozen champagne
I'll put him a question about
train he can't answer" said the west
erner.
"Done! I'll stand six to see him go
to grass" said her msjesty's subject.
"Well, here goes, them" and the
Westerner stepped up.
"Say! You appear to know every
thing and everybody; who is there
that's'going to h, and when'lI
the train start p
"Charles J. Guiteau; starts Both
Of June sir" replied the clerk, look
ing the querist right in the eye with
out moving muscle.
"Well, | reckon you are about
right, but you can't tell me where l
can go and get ticket, can your"
eco to the devil" said the clerk,
turning away.
"Mister," said the western guest,
looking over to Parker, the blonde
bookkeeper, after the laughter had
subsidized, "you can charge six bottles
Of 'Fiz' in my bill for the use of them
gentlemen, for | must weaken on this
bet-its agin me-" He withdrew,
and the clerk kept answering ques-
tions about other and more familiar
routes with perfect equanimity.
The news., 1882-06-29
AJuDICIOus WIFE.

A judicious wife, says Ruskin, is
always nipping off from her husbands
moral nature little twigs that are
growing in wrong directions. She
keeps him in shape by continued
pruning. If you say anything silly,
she will affectionately tell you SO. If
you declare that you will do some abb :
surd thing, she will find some means
Of preventing you from doing it.
And by far the chief part of all the
eommon-sense there is in this world
belongs PROFESSIONALLY to women.
The wisest things a man commonly
does are those things which his wife
counsels him to do. A wife is a
grand wielder Of the moral pruning
knife. If Johnson's wife had lived.
there would have been no touching
all the posts in walking along the
streets, no boarding up of orange peel,
and no eating and drinking with dis
gushing voracity. If Oliver Gold
smith had been married, he never
would have worn that memorable and
ridiculous coat. Whenever you find
a man whom you know little about
oddly dressed, or talking absurdly, or
exhibiting eccentricity of manner,
you may be sure that he is not a
married man, for the corners are
rounded off, the shoots pared away,
in married men. Wives have gener-
ally much more sense than their hus-
bands, even though they may be
clever men. The wife's advice is
like the ballast that keeps the ship
steady.
The news., 1882-06-29
THREE oBEDIENT HUSBANDS.

There were four of them together,
and it was late. They had been drink
ing. Finally, one of them looked at
the clock, and said -
"What will our wives say when we
get homer"
"Let them say what they want to.
Mine will tell me to go to the mis-
chief" responded No. 2.
"I'Il tell you what we will do. Let
us meet here in the morning and tell
our experiences. Let the one who
refuses to do what his wife told him
to do when he got home pay for the
evenings entertainment"
"That is a good idea. We will
agree to that" So the party broke
up and went to their respective homes.
Next morning they met at the ap
pointed place, and began to tell their
experiences.
Said No. /:
"When | opened the door my wife
was awake. She said "A pretty
time of night for you to be coming
home. You had better go out and
sleep in the pig pen, for that's all you
will come to, sooner or later anyhow
Rather than pay for all we had drank
last night, I did what she told me to.
That let's me out"
Next!
No. 2 cleaused his throat out and
said -
"When l got home / stumbled on
chair, aRd my wife called There
you are again, you drunken brute
You had better wake up the children,
! and stagger about for a while SO they
The news., 1882-06-29
THE sIAMEsE TWINS.

In answer to the correspondent who
writes US for information on the above
subject, We have compiled the follow
ing information:
Eng and Chang we're born simulta-
neously on the 18th day of April,
1911, and died at the age of So
years.
They were connected together by a
patent coupler which entered the
body of each in the region of the
vest pocket.
This connecting arrangement neces-
sarily threw them into each others
society. When they were boys their
The news., 1882-06-29
A HISTORY WORTH HAVING.

The new and chsrmngly beautiful,
as we'll as wonderfully cheap edition
Of Screens Larger History of the
English People" which is being pub
lisbed by Tie Useful knowledge Pub-
fishing Co., New York, is most de-
servedly finding place in thousands
of home Libraries. No history is bet
ter worthy Of a place 10 even the
smallest library, and though formerly
published by the Harper's at $40, it
is now easily within the reach of any
one, the prices varying in the several
forms, from 65 cts. in one volume, oc-
tavo, Utility binding, to $2.35 in 5
vols. Elzevir edition, half Russia
binding. 1t also forms part of the
first volume of the Cyclopedia Of His
tory which is shortly to appear. These
editions are for sale by enterprising
booksellers, and club agents and can
vassers are wanted everywhere by the
publishers, to whom are oferd very
unusual inducements and facilities.
The news., 1882-06-29

rug was very IOnu OF sour apples
in his youth, and when at night he
rolled and tossed upon his couch with
large stock Of colo on hand, Chang
had to lie awake and take the bene-
fit. Later in life Chang developed
strange longing for the bowl, while
Eng was Good Templer.
While Eng went to lodge the
Worthy Outside Guard would refuse
to let Chang in because he csuldu't
give the password, and leave Chang
in the ante room, he had to go home
and wait till another meeting.
Eng was Mason aud Chang was
knight of Pytbias, and they used to
give each other away sometimes and
have lots of fun.
Eng was half breed and Chang
was stalwart, and it made it bad
about attending caucuses.
Chang joined the Episcopal church
aud believed in sprinkling, while Eng
was Baptist and not only immersed
himself but fixed it SO that Chang had
his sins washed away at the same
time.
Once in while Chang would get an
invitation to private party in a set
to which Eng did not belong, and
then they had to settle the question
by putting etruscan noses on each
other as to whether they should go
or remain at home.
Chang died first, aud Eng died a
few moments later as matter of
courtesy. Eng was not prepared to
die and regretted that he was not
consulted by Chang before this impor-
tant step was taken, but he said it
would save the expenses Of two tuner
ais, and he wanted to do what was right.
The lives Of these two men were
somewhat peculiar in many repects.
There were many little nameless an
noyances to which each one was COM
PEELED to submit, and which would
not at first occur to the student. For
instance Chang would have to get up
and go for the doctor in company with
Eng, whenever Eng's children had
the Group, and whenever Chang's
wife thought there was burglar in
the woodshed Eng had to get up in
his night shirt, and go with his
brother in search of the villain.
They couldn't ride the festive BIZ
cycle, and when Chang got billing
drunk Eng had to go to the cooler
with him and stay there till the law
was satisfied.
From what we have said it will be
seen that with the opportunities each
had Of forming an acquaintance, the
ability afforded for giving each other
away was almost boundless, and in
looking over their history, we feel
glad that we were not borne with a
partnership existence between us in
share of ligament eight inches in
circumference.
No one that has never been a Sia-
mese twin can estimate the peculiar
annoyance to which he would be sub
jected.
Among the many blessings which
cluster about, and are showered down
upon us through life, we are prone
to lose sight of the fact that with all
our sorrows and disappointments, we
are not born Siamese twins.
The news., 1882-06-29
Written for THE NEWS.
WEATHER AND SPECTATORS.

Written for THE NEWS.
WEATHER AND SPECTATORS.
May has gone, June has come,
But flowers of May will bloom in June,
Winters chilling blast is near,
Nipping the buds both bright and fair.
Golden days will soon be here,
When lucious fruit, and spicy pear;
The golden grain with heavy head
| hTo feed the multitude, thou hast ssfl.
Then may the gambler in grain,
OH heed the Almighty's word, lest pain;
From conscience scared. Owicked heart,
The weary knocker, forever depart.
Left 10 himself and sordid gain,
A plodder of the beautiful earth remain;
With no higher hopes ofHeavenly bliss,
Than sordid grain, and sure distress.
One and all, this warning take,
Lest the grain Mart at Chicago break,
With downcast eyes and weary head,
You wished ere this, you had been dead.
The news., 1882-06-29

Greencastle and the rain faded out of
our sight, we thought how true were
the doctors words, and wondered
what poison might be mean enough
to kill the man with the memorandum
book.-R. j. Burdette.
The news., 1882-06-29

can see what drunken brute of a
father they are afflicted with. 1
thought the best thing I could do was
to obey; so I woke up the children,
and staggered around until my wife
limited to me to stop. She used a
chair in conveying tho hint. That
let's me out"
Next
No. 8 said -
Il was humming tune, and my
wife called out. There you are again
Hadn't you better give us concert p
/ said Certainly and began to sing
as loud as could, but she told me to
stop, or she would throw something
at me SO | stopped. That let's me
OUT
Next
No. 4 looked very disconsOlate.
He said
II reckon I'll have to pay. Ny
wife told me to do something none of
you would have done, if you had been
in my place.
ttTVbat xyas e pr
"She said T: so you thought you
would come home at last. Now, hadn't
you better go to the we'll and drink a
couple Of buckets of water, just to as
tonish your stomach That was
more than l had bargained for, SO it's
my funeral.
The news., 1882-06-29
THE BLUE LAWS OF coNNEcr1cUr.


The famous Blue Laws of Conuec-
ticut, of which SO much is heard, are as
follows. They were enacted by the
people of the "Dominion Of New Ha-
ven," and became known as the blue
laws because they were printed on
blue paper:
The Governor and magistrates con-
vened in General Assembly, are the
Supreme power, under God, of this
independent dominion. From the de-
termination of the Assembly no ap-
peal shall be made.
No one shall be freeman or give
a vote unless he is converted and a
member OF one of the churches a.
lowed In the dominion
Each freeman shall swear by the
Blessed God to bear true allegiance to
this dominion, and that Jesus is the
only king.
No dissenter from the established
worship Of this dominion shall be al
lowed to give vote for electiDg mag.
istrates or any other officer.
No food or lodging shall be offered
to hereto.
No one to cross river on the Sab
bath but an authorized clergyman.
No one shall travel, cook victuals,
make beds, sweep houses, cut hair or
shave on the Sabbath day.
No one shall kiss his or her children
on Sabbath or fasting days.
The Sabbath day shall begin at
sunset Saturday.
Every ratable person who refuses to
pay his proportion to support the
minister Of town or parish shall be
fined 5 pounds and 4 shilling every
quarter.
whatsoever wears clothes trimmed
with gold silver or bone lace above |
shilling per yard shall be presented by
the grand jurors, and the selectmeu
shall tax the estate 500 pounds.
Whosoever brings cards or dice into
this dominion, shall pay fine of
pounds.
No one shall eat mince pies, dance,
play cards or play any instrument Of
music except the drum, trumpet and
jewsharp.
No gospel minister shall join people
in marriage, The magistrate only
shall join them in marriage, as he may
do it with less scandal to Christ's
church. ~
When parents refuse their children
convenient marriage, the magistrate
shall determine the point.
Adultery shall be punished with
death.
A man who strikes his wife shall
pay fine of 10 pounds.
A woman who strikes her husband
shall be punished as the law directs.
No man shall court maid in per-
son or by letter without obtaining con-
sent Of her parents; pounds for the
first offence 10 pounds for the sec
ond, and for the third, Imprisonment
during the pleasure of the court.
The news., 1882-06-29
To CO,ssstnsptdves.

The advertiser having been permanently
cured of that dread disease, Coz sumption,
by single remedy, is anxioy to make
cure. To all who desire it, will send a
copy of the prescription Used Gree of
charge), with the directions of preparing
and using the same, which they will find
Asthma, Bronchitis, &c. Parties wishing the
prescription, will please address, Rev. E. A.
Wilson, 1874 Penn ST.. williamsburg, N. Y.a
The news., 1882-06-29

Western editors think the govern
ment agricultural reports are always
too late to be of any use, which shows
how little they know about it. They
are never too late for use in a paper
Mill.
The news., 1882-06-29

In France there are two hundred
and ffty-six establishments engaged
in making sugar from maugslwurzeI.
The sugar they make ruos from the
highest to the lowest grades.
The news., 1882-06-29
Errors of Youth.

gentleman who suffered for years from
Nervous Debility, Premature Decay, and
all the effects of youthful indiscretion, will
for the sake of suffering humanity send free
TO all who need it, the receipt and direction
for making the simple remedy by which he
was cured. Sufferers wishing to profit by
the advertisers experience can do so by
addressing in perfect confidence. JOHN
B OGDEN, AZ Cedar ST., New York.
The news., 1882-06-29
HOW SHE WAS SATISFIED.

They sent BIN around the circle fair
To bow before the prettiest there.
Pm bound to say the choice he made
A creditable taste displayed,
His task was then anew begun.
To kneel before the wittiest one.
Once more the little maid sought he,
And went him down upon his knee:
She bent her eyes upon the floor
| think she thought the game bore.
@x
He circled then-his sweet behest
To kiss the one he loved the best.
For all she frowned, for all she child,
He kissed that little maid he did
And then-though why 1 can't decide
The little maid looked satisfied.
II. c. Bunncr, in Our Century.
The news., 1882-06-29

Henry Willard, the millionaire
President of the Northern Pacific
railroad, was once Washington cor.
respondent Of the Chicago Tribune.
The news., 1882-06-29
HEARTILY RECOMMENDED.

Don't condemn good thing because
you have been deceived by worthless
nostrums. Parker's Ginger Tonic has
cured many in this section of nervous dis
orders, and we recommend it heartily TO
such sufferers.
THE HIGHEST RANK.
Made from harmless materials, and
adopted to the needs of fading and falling
hair Parker's Hair Balsam has taken
highest rank as reliable hair restorative.
GRATEFUL TO INvAL1Ds.
Floreston Cologne is grateful to inva-
lids, as it is refreshing without the sicken-
ing effect Of most perfumes.
SKINNY MEN.
Wells Health Remover. Absolute
cure for nervous debility aud weakness of
the generative functions. ST.. at drug
gists. Prepaid by express at $1.25, 6 for
SIS E. S WELLS, Jersey City, N. j.
trough ON RATS"
The thing desired found at last. Ask
Druggists for Trough on Rats" Itclears
out rats, mice, reaches, flies, bed-bugs.
l5c. boxes. M
"BUCHUPAIBA.D
New, quick, complete cure days, urin-
airy affections, smarting, frequent or diff
cult urination, kidney diseases. ST.. all
druggists. Prepaid by express, rs 6
for So E. S: WELLS, Jersey City, Nj.
RESCUED FROM DEATH.
William J.. Coughlin of Somerville
ass, says: In the fall of 1875 was
taken with BLEEDING OF THE LUNGS
followed by severe cough lost my
appetite and flesh, and was confined to
my bed. In 1877 / was admitted to the
Hospital. The doctors said I had hold
in my lungs as big as half dollar. At
one time | was reported dead. gave mp
hope, but friend told me Of DR..
WILLIAM HALLS BALSAM FOR.
THE LUNGS. got bottle, when to
my surprise, | commenced to feel better,
and to-day feel better than for three
years past.
Il write this hoping every one afflicted
VITA Diseased Lungs will take DR.. WILL
LIAM HALLS BALSAM, and be con-
WINGED that CONSUMPTION CAN BE
CURED. | can positively say it has
done more good than all the other medi-
eines have taken since my sickness.
DIR. Kline'sgreat nerve restorer is the
marvel of the age for all nerve diseases.
All fits stopped free. Send to 931, Arch
St., Philadelphia, Pa.
1t is impossible for a woman after
faithful course of treatment, with Lydia
E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound, to
continue to suffer with weakness of the
uterus. Enclose a stamp to Mrs. Lydie
E. Pinkham, 233 Western Avenue, Lynn,
Mass, for her pamphlets.
The Peabody Hotel, $50 South 9th
street, Philadelphia, is one of the best at
the price 600 per day. of any in the city.
1t is first class in every respect except in
price which is less than any other hotel
charges. Persons visiting Philadelphia
iether transiently or for longer period
cannot do better than to stop at this well
conducted house. 35-y.
The news., 1882-06-29
'9Nlpless

will mail (free) the receipt for simple
Vegetable Balm that will remove Tan,
Freckles, Pimples and Blotches, leaving the
skin. soft clear and beautiful;also instructions
for producing luxuriant growth of hair on
q bald head or smooth face. Address, in
Guiding &c stamp, BEN. VANDEIF & CO., IL
Barclay street, New York.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26

One Of the finest and best selected stocks
of wall paper ever brought to Montana, at
M. A. FIanagan's drug store.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26
Miners After tiOn.

The only genuine crack proof, pure gum
boot Is to be had at Cans & Klein's.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26

Reduced prices at I G. Baker & Co.'s to
make room for the new goods soon to ar.
rive. 1885,.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26
NOTICE OF FINAL ENTRY.
LAND OFFICE AT HELENA. MONTANA

LAND OFFICE AT HELENA. M~oNTANA,(
April 3. 1882.
Notice is hereby given that the following-named
settler has flied notica of his intention to make final
proof in support of his claim, and t at said proof
will be made nefore John w. Taftan, Probate Judge,
at the County Clerks Office, Fort Benton, on Mon
day, May Is, 1882, viz: Hilda A Nottingham, who fled
pre-emption %declatory statement 20. 1895 for the N u
of S Ell. S u of E 4 and n u Of S W Il sec.
Is, town. 81 nor h, range 8 esst. He names the fol-
lowing witnesses to prove his continuous residence
upon and cultivation Of said tracts, viz: Thomas
Simpson. James Gray, William Young and Franklin
Balm, all of Fart Benton Post Office, Choteau county,
Montana Territory. j. III. MOE, Register.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26
Notice of Final Entry.

LAND OFFICE AT HEI ENA. M. IT,
Apr l 18TH 1892.
Notice is hereby given that the following-named
sett er has filed notice of his intention to make final
proof in 8 pport of hs claim. and that said proc will
be made before Je hn w. Tattan, Probate Judge, at the
urday May 20, 1852 viz: James FL. Rowe, who fled
presumption dec aratory statement No 4515, for the
E Is of the S E II of Sec. /, Town. "a N, Range 8 E.
He names the following witnesses to p owe his
continuous residence upon and cultivation of said
tract of land, viz: Herman Brinkman, Lee Smith,
William Brinkman and John j. Kennedy, all of Fort
Benton, Choteau county, Nj. T.
j. e. Moe, Register.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26

Everything for men and boys wear is to be
had at Cans & Klein's.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-04-26
Read Cans 81 Kleins instructions from
New York, and lake advantage of them.

Read Cans 81 Kleins instructions from
New York, and take advantage of them.
When you come to Benton be sure to call
on Cans g Klein.
DIR. William Turner is a practitioner of
twenty years experience. He gives prompt
attention to professional calls.
Building material Of all kinds at Wacker-
Inns.
Spring clothing is now being received at
Cans & Klein's.
A full stock Of builders hardware of all
kinds at Nackerlin's.
All orders sent by mail to Cans & Klein
will receive prompt attention; goods and
prices guaranteed.
Two houses for sale also mining property
and lots in all parts OF Benton. Inquire of
18tf Fl. P. RoLFE.
Those nobAy spring suits around town,
come from the clothiers of Montana, Cans
& Klein.
An endless variety of French percale and
Cheviot shirts are to be found at Cans &
Klein's.
81. J. Wackerlin & Co. make a specially
| of miners tools of all kinds.
California underwear juet received at |. G.
Baker g Co.'S.
Spring clothing in great variety and of the
very latest styles just received at Hirshberg
s Nathan's. They have marked them way
down.
The first instalment of spring clothing has
arrived in Benton, and is to be found at
Cans & Klein's.
I. G.. Baker & Co.. have just received q
| large invoice Of California lannels.
Miners Attention.
The only genuine crack proof, pure gum