The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1882-11-09
The Maddened Quill Driver.


tary bell in distant steeple has just tolled
a. m. There was famine of copy on the
hook, aud the echoes of the clamors of map
peasable composltoTs came nimbling in ghostly
cadences down the speaking tube, and once
the sarcastic tones of the foreman's voice pepe-
trated the dismal sanctum, conveying to Mr.
Sliehpen the entirely superfuous information
that this "was not an Afternoon paper" aud
Furthermore that he ''would like TO 90 to press
before the men went to dinner" Mr. Stiehl-
pen sighed heavily, and in an distracted man.
ner turned over the closely-written pages of his
notebook.
For twenty-two years he ha0 sat at that table
and praised everything that ever came within
fifty mikes of Shawnee town. Horses, bird
dogs new houses, minstrel troupes, new goods.
lectures, eminent citizens, big radishes, tall
corn, long jumps, speeches, brass bands, i'm
ported COWS, fine walters, new road wagons,
fancy gates concerts, fairs, hops and debating
societies. He had noted the uprising of the
eminent citizen, and observed his lying down;
he watched his coming and going, and tonight
he was weary. He had written up two speeches,
a social hop, a nine-hundred- dollar horse, an
imported pig, new fence, a big egg, a seven
teen-pJund tumor, lecture, and here was
concert to be written up. He knew what de-
licious matter this was. He knew that woe
waited upon his footsteps if he failed to notice
each performer at length and in perfect detail.
Wrath and denuu citation lowered above his
head, ready to fall in one destroying deluge if
he said anybody sang or played better than
anybody else. How conld he meet the father
of the young lady who wore the expensive
dress on the stage, and yet got notice four
lines shorter than the shoemakers daughter
who had nothing in the world but her voice to
commend her to public notice? How could he
look Miss Uppercea in the face when in his de-
scription of her exquisite rendition of "Monas-
terry Bells he forgot, or perhaps with malice
afoIe thought intentionally omitted to men
ton the cost of her diamonds? He sighed as
he remembered how often he had been through
all this, and here it was one o'clock in the
morning, his hand was tired and his head
ached, and the notes of his one hundred and
eleventh concert were still eehong in his
brain, and were waiting on the pages of his
own note book for his own transcription
He rose, and dragged from its dusty shelf an
old bound volume of TIE Tamboree, looked over
some of his old reports, with view of chang
ing the dates ana names and using them over,
TO save time and trouble as he had often done
before. But his head was heavy, and tue con-
cert of the previous evening differed iii SO ma
ny respects from all its predecessors that he
was forced to abandon his lab, r-saving scheme,
SO dear to the heart of the ambitious and pains
taking reporter.
81 have praised people for twenty-five
years, he muttered, again seating himself at
his table, "and ! am tired of it, | am not in
the praising humor Tonight, sigh for some
thing new. My longing soul aspires to oIigi-
nality. | had rather abuse man a column
than puff him ten lines will write up these
notes in style that viii have at least the mer-
it of originality, and will please every body who
DOESN'T lind his name in the paper tomorrow"
His pencil flew over the sheets of paper like
a walking match; the sarcastic utterance of the
foreman ceased, the distant clamor of the in
telllgent c0mposltorS was huShed, and only
nos and then the mnffled groans that came
sadly down the speaking tube told that some
printer was trying to decide whether a blot,
long waving line, TWO dots and a dash was
commencement" Communion" "icinera-
tien," or emancipation " Mr. Stiehlpen
laughed hoarsely as he heard the groans..
Howl for copy, will you?'' he chnckled de-
family. "Pll give you copy that will make
your hearts SICK
And be wrote more wildly than ever, and on
ly said, 'Hs. hap when word came that the
distracted proof-reader in the next room had
hanged himself.
Next m, rning, while Godfrey Stehlpen
slept, the Tamboree was orened at Thousand
happy breakfast tables, and joy was tn ned in
to mourning as, amid weeping and wailing and
gDashing OF teeth, the first thing the subscribe
ers read was as follows:
A PHANTOM HosS-Ban Hartman came all
the way TO our office last evening to tell usthat
he had just received an imported inyertebrate
thoroughbred from England, magnificent
stopper, with record of 2.25, that cost him
nine hundred dollars Warnock, at whose sta
bes this matchless wonder is housed, informs
us that it is a Maxall County horse, seventeen
years old, and worth about twenty dollars for
lady's driving. 1t seems to us Harrigan lies
worse as he draws nearer the grave.
After this came the annexed paragraph:
CHEAP PIG.-Fsrmer Thlstepod dragged us
seven blocks through the scorching sun sester-
day down to freight depot to see his new two
hundred dollar imported pig. Marshall Hen
ry afterward told us that it pig that had
been in pound for three eeks, and Thistepod
hnly paid two dollars for it. 1t is of the genu-
ine prairie-schoouer breed, with a snout thirty
t!ghtinches long, and Can jump stilke-and ri
der fence without touching hoof Thistlepod
hasalways been notorious for keeping misera-
Bile stock.
The usual eulogistc personal paragraph
was supplemented b, the followiug:
PERsoNAL.-Old Archie Mcintosh left town
last evening to the great delight of all his ac-
quaintances-he has no frends-for trip to
Mud Lake He left note for us stating that
he was going for his health. This means a two
weeks drunk. We wondered who lent HIM
enough money to get out OF town?
But the browning glory of the Morning Tam
h"rt e was the concert notice. 1t read as fol-
lows:
GRAND CoNoERT.-The regular annual ex-
hibitioi of good clothes and bad music, that
has grown to be a feature OF the musical world
IN Shawneetown, came off last evening at the
Opera House. Every seat in the hall was
taken, for our patient community has become
accustomed to this affection, and submits TO it
without murmur four or five times year,
very much as they take qainine in the spring.
Those people who came stamping in late, as
usual, after the Shawneetown style, are to be
congratulated this time, as they escaped hear
ing the "Arion Quartette" sing Here in Cool
Grot." 1t is due to the "Arion Quartette"
however, to say it was not the worst singing of
the evening. The audience thought it certain
ly would be the worst; and SO, indeed, it was
until later in the evening the same quartette
botched Come Where my Love Lies Dream
ing" 1t was dreadful beyond description and
the deafening applause which followed it only
testified the great JOY of the audience on being
assured that the "Arion Quartette" would sing
no more that evening.
Miss Abigail McGinnessy rendered recita-
tive and aria, by Cappola, in the manner that
has long ago become so sadly familiar to our
suffering people, and is always a source of pro-
found embarrassment to the accompanIst, who
houndered along last night in the patient but
somewhere by scrambling across lots, and head
Ing her off in some unusually prolonged run.
But this was impossible, and singer and accom-
papyist were never within six bars of each 9TH
er during the whole of the alleged perform
ance. Mr.. Poundawa, the time-honored ac-
companyist in all these affairs, by the way, did
even worse than usual last evening We are
panied to notice that his habit of playing IN
the edge of the pia 10, two inches away from
the keys, grows upon him, and he should either
change his drink or his vocation.
Mrs. Bangalon played Monastery Bells' as
usual. 1t was disguised under French name
in the program; but every one knows what is
coming after Mrs Bangalon finally gets the
piano moved into precisely the right place
which is always Just where it stood before she
had it moved the first time-and after seating
herself for the fftieth time, finally concludes
to remain seated. Mrs. Bapgalon's unvaryng
habit Of wearing her gloves to the piano, and
occupying seven minutes in removing them, is
not an affeetation. 1t is an act If mercy, and
gives the people nearest the door an opportu-
nifty to slip out before she begins to play. The
reporters of the city prass used to out at this