News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1882-05-04
WIT AND WISDOM.
EVERY tomorrow extends either a

'MY WIFE" remarked Fitznoodle,
fairly crazy over the fashions. She
got the delirium trimmins.
WE'LL, I'll be bound" as the man
remarked when he heard quoted the
lines, Chains of gold are fetters STILL
"THE time has been when brains were
out the mau would die, and there's an
end;" but now he is generally elecsed
to Congress.
IT is curious that the pig must be
killed before he can be cured A yacht
can stand on a tsek without saying
naughty words. A man can't.
THE Duke of WelIington's saying con-
nected with early rising was not bad
one: "Let the first turn ia the morn
ing be turn out"
IT may seem best to colonize the
Chinese in Salt Lake City wherethey can
wash out the stains of polygamy.-
Picayune.
SEEsT THOU not what various fortunes
the Divinity makes man pass through
changing and turning them from day to
day ?-Eurlpides.
"ILn make you dance, cried an irate
mother, pursuing her erring son, slip
per in hand. "Then," remarked the
juvenile, Eve shall have bawl."
THIS talk about the Chinaman not
! adopting American ways is all nonsense.
One in Pennsylvania committed suicide
because a pretty yellow girl wouldn't
marry him. m.-Phitadelphia Chronicle.
The Detroit Tribune warns the Bos-
ton girls who have taken to wearing
helmet hats that if they initiate the
Boston police they will never catch q
man.
A Boston paper is in "favor of wo.
men voting if they want to-" A West
ern paper would like to see the man who
would make them vote if they did not
want to.
THE giraffe has never been known to
utter a sound. In this respect it re-
sembles young lady in a street-car-
when a gentleman gives her his seat
NorristooUn Herald.
A wELL-KNowN lawyer declared one
day at dinner that the biggest thing
he had ever done was to cross-examine
man until he did not know whether he
was married or not.
"WE look for the support of every
old woman in this country when we
boldly assert that there are not three
members of Congress who know to
within three hours when soft soap is
ready to wax. detroit Free Press.
WHEN friend asked reformed ine-
briate the cause of his reformation he
said.: "As you are married you will
quite understand it when 1 say getting
tipsy made me see my mother-in-law
double PIE Figaro.
INTELLIGENT r' said the man, of his
setter dog. He knows heap, sir.
Why, once he took dislike to man,
and went and induced the man to kick
him, so would whip the man Fact,
sir I"
A WEALTHY kleptomaniac, arrested
for stealing, the other day, with tears
in her eyes protested that she wasn't
responsible, as she had inherited theft
from her father. The latter had
been an Indian agent. philadelphia
Chronicle.
A STRANGER in printing office asked
the youngest apprentice what his rule
of punctuation was. Said the boy 'I
set up as long as can hold my breath,
and then I put comma; when L cape.
insert a semicolon and when want
to sneeze, make period"
A HOUSEHOLDER was negotiating yes
terday, with every chance of success,
with prospective tenant. But young
ster in the family interrupted negotia-
tions by shouting: eyes, and ma says
we've got lots of cockroaches up stairs.'-
The apartments are still to let.
FORTUNE HAS been considered the
guardian divinity of fools; and, on this
score, she has been accused of blind
ness; but it should rather be adduced
IS proof of her eagacity, when she
helps those who certainly cannot help
Cotton.
AMELIE "You may talk about your
city fellows, but give me bean from
the country" Julia "And why do
you want country beau, should love
to hear ?" Amelia Because, sis, he's
very likely to become husbandman.
Courier. Journal.
AN Austin young man was seen COM
ing hurriedly out of business house,
which he had entered to solicit employ
ment as salesman. "Did the boss en-
gage you as salesman?" "No; he
wanted me to travel" was the ambigu-
GUS reply.-TerGs SJtings.
WE see it stated that the Wesleyan
College will send four-oared crew to
Lake George for the regatta about the
first week Of July. The college boys
may be backward in their studies, but
they are "four cared" in the regatta
business.
A BROOKLYN man has been sent to
Jail for kissing his girl goodnight"
This should teach Brooklyn young men
a lesson. They will probably hereafter
initiate the example of young men in
other cities. e., remain a couple of
hours longer and kiss her good-morn-
ing.
A MAN who camped out two weeks,
and ate half-cooked meat, smoke-fa-
vored and sooty fish, stale bread, and
coffee as palatable as an "ague cure"
commenced to grumb!e at his wife as
soon as he got home and sat down to
the supper table. Perhaps he didn't
bring his appetite home with him.
The Judge.
A PROMINENT physician says that il
mothers did not take up the senseless
prattle of babies and hurl it back at
them under the plea that it is "baby
talk" children would learn sooner how
to talk plain. They repeat the tumble
of syllables that they first hear. That's
the idea! Instead of saying of soapy
water ''I doesn't fink it tastes dood,"
you can just as well have Mr.. Two-year-
old observe: "The taste of soap COM
bined with aqueous fluid 10 not agree