The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1882-08-31
WIT AND HUMOR,


bis wife wrote poetry; but he coHldn't
do anything about it then-he had TAX
en- her for better or verse.
No one ever saw street-car so
damned full of men that good-looking
woman would not wait five minutes for
that particular vehicle.
An exchange says that our navy is
still in its infancy, which would justify
the assertion that the vessels are seldom
seen out of their slips.
Preacher CARRYING drenched) -"What
shall lido, Mrs. McGregor! / am wet
through and through" Old Scotch
woman-'sGet into the pulpit as sumo as
ye can. Ye'u be dry emo there
A new novel is announced. 'sThe
Coloners Cross" What the mischief is
the Colonel cross about? Have the sa-
loon-keepers combined to deny him
credit9-Teras Stttngs.
The London Times says '.it is pleas
ing to note that the average expenditure
for strong drink of every man, woman
and child in England has fallen from $29
in 1875 to SIG in 1881"
A marked difference between the
Egypt of Joseph's day and the Egypt of
Arab Bey is that, whereas in the old
time there was no corn in the land it is
now absolutely full of kernels.
Gen. Sherman says he eats bean soup
every day when at home, if he can get
it. The general is supposed to be
smoothing the way for statue of him
self in Boston.
A mineral spring, the water of which
Is good ink, has been found near Ken
esaw Mountains, North Carolina. De-
signed for the black population, proba-
bly,.
"Yes," said Fogg, II used to believe
every thingi was the most credulous
fellow alive. But" he added, sssince
have had this COMPOUNDED sore throat it
is hard for me to swallow any thing
Fond wife-"How strange! Every
time Peter comes home from his lodge
he comes to bed with bis hat on, But
suppose it is some more of those Ma
sonic doings."
A Retort Courteous.-New parlor
maid" Here's letter, ma'am, if you
please" New mistress: 'Pray, Mary,
are You not accustomed to see letters
handed on tray?' Eyes, ma am. But
didn't know you was.n
Found His Mistake women are so
contrary" said Blobos. Il thought
when l got married my wife would darn
my socks and let me alone; instead of
that she lets my socks alone and darns
me-"
Mrs. Langtry is said to be very busily
preparing for her American tour. This,
we presume, means that she is getting
together a lot of new clothes and amass-
ing trunkful of her photographs to be
sold for two bits each.
A German who had been 8 Lutheran,
and been sprinkled in his infancy, was
asked, when he wished to join the Bap-
fist church, if he had not been baptized.
His answer was, ''Vell, now, shust q
leedle."
Doctor" says the patient, meeting
him on the street, 81 want you to tell
me what is the matter with me. When
l wake up in the morning l feel dull
stupid as an IDIOT 'Humph! And
how did you feel when you went to bed
the night before, chr"
"But you know, pa" said the farm
er's daughter, when he spoke to her
about the addresses of q neighbor son,
''that ma wants me to marry man of
culture" $50 do /, my dear, so do ],
and there is no better culture in the
country than agriculture.
We have great sympathy for the
bachelor, who, when dying, left all his
property to three ladies who had refused
all his offers of marriage Nobody can
tell" he whispered, 'how much those
ladies have contributed to my happi-
ness
THE illuminated buoy is wonderful
invention,' read old Mrs. Pinaphor in
her daily paper. ...Well,7 she observed,
Il should think he was. And it is an
excellent idea, too, for if the boy is il
Illuminated his mother will have less
trouble finding him after dark.'
"Why do they call him brakeman
asked tbs child. after that excellent Of
fetal had looked in at the car door and
''hollered'' one of helamps out. "What
does he break?'' ''He breaks the ST.
lence." said the father; and the train
rolled on, laden with truth.
At e dinner-party a clumsy footman
spills the contents of sauce-boat over
the dress of one of the guests. ''How
clumsy! What pityr' says the lady of
the house. .'How could you do such
thingp As likely as not there won't be
sauce enough TO 60 round nown'
Miss Brown. who is no longer young,
was Gliding Miss MORE for her foolish
ness in carrying parasol, which Miss
Brown said was useless, and piece of
affectation. II never carry paraso!,"
she said. s.No," replied Miss MORE;
''people on the shady side of life have
no use for thsm,''
'.Murderp Your honor, it wasn't
murder, it was suicide. You see he
wanted to kill himself, and hadn't the
courage to, so he asked me, and sui
cided him." ''But, why did you then
take his watch and pocket book?'
why? Because he had no further use
for them-that's whyr'
Johnny, here you are at the break
fast table and your face is unwashed,"
said his mother, with sharp look. Il
know it, ma. / saw the animalcples in
pas microscope last night, and | amt
going to have those things crawling all
over my face with their funny little
legs"
In England the donkey is quite COM
mon, and very useful for carrying wa
tering-place visitors from the hotel to
the bath-house on the beach. In this
country the donkey is still more COM
mon al the watering places, but he can
carry nothing heavier than g lady's sun
umbrella.
A pretcntious person said to the lead
ing man of country village: ''How
would lecture by me on Mount Vesu-
vius suit the inhabitants of your vii
lager "Yery well, sir; very well, in
Decd" he answered; ga lecture by you
on Mount Vesuvius would suit them d
great deal better than a lecture by you
in this village, sir.''
INA, haven't been real good boy
since I've been going TO Sunday
SCHOOL," '.Yes, my lamb" answered
the maternal parent. fondly. land you
f,,,ct mo ,nr- dnAtf x-n,, oif ssVo,