Sacramento daily record-union., 1882-05-11

~ taASS Siii dpoub ioui houis iouSol
to wash the front windows of house than
the back windows.
Candy pulls are in fashion again, but
they are now called GLUCOSE tensions. -
philadelphia News.
Jim Keene intends to call his wonderful
new colt Slander, because it goes SO fast
when it gets started.
American cigars are popular wherever
they are supposed to be imported
York Commercial Advertiser
Virginia drinkers find there is nothing
like Readjustment to make a Bourbon
sour.-[New Orleans Picayune.
1t always saddens an old COW to look
over the fence at an oleomagarine factory.
/ New York Commercial Advertiser.
Just as though this country had not been
punished enough already, later inhictiop,
the banged-hair young man, is running at
large.
The Providence transcript says: In.
civility costs nothing" Come round and
be uncivil to our fighting editor and see.-
Boston Post.
The First Brigade of illinois militia is
without General. This accounts for the
sassy attitude OF Europe. ii Louisville
Courier-J Journal.
AS the peach crop has not been "de-
stroyed" more than three times this
season, large average yield may be ex-
pected. = Boston Globe.
A correspondent refers to Oscar Wilde
as GLUCOSE disciple of the Beautiful. !"
This is the severest blow glucose has yet
received [Norristown Herald.
"Young man," said the landlord, 81
always eat the cheese rind." And the new
boarder replied, "Just so / am leaving
this for you. " Boston Home Journal.
a st. Louis woman gave her arm to a
street corner masher, took him to where
her husband was, and the husband wore
out the floor with him. Louisville Cou.
rier.J Journal.
Some fellow has brought out an opera
glass which, he thinks, will fill long. felt
want. 1t holds pint of whisky. But
that will not fill" long felt want
[Norristown Herald.
He was sitting in the parlor with her,
when a rooster crowed in the yard, and,
leaning over, he said, "Chanticleer." II
wish you would, +" she replied I'm sleepy
as can be- He cleared.
Why was Jobs wife turned into pillar
of salt jamestown Leader. There
were probably, a lot of reasons but when
did you get revised Old Testament p
ELEVATED Railway Journal.
Oh, yes, there is such thing as an ex-
hausted receiver, but this phrase does not
refer to the receiver of defunct savings
bank or insurance company. You have
been misinformed, my child.-[Boston
Transcript.
The Boston papers say the girls of that
city have begun to wear police helmet hats.
Then should the Boston papers warn the
Boston girls. If they go to initiating the
Boston police, they will never catch man.
Detroit Post and Tribune.
'' You told me, sir, that the horse was
entirely without fault, and yet he is blind. :"
The dealer looked blandly into the irritated
countenance of the loser by the transac.
tion, and said, with charming innocence,
I" l do not regard blindness as fault, sir
it is a misfortune. New York Post.
A bear, wishing to rob beehive, laid
himself down in front of it and overturned
it with his paw. Now, " said he, I will
lie perfectly still and let the bees sting me
until they are exhausted and powerless
their honey may then be obtained without
opposition. And it was SO obtained, but
by fresh bear, the other being dead
Detroit Free Press. &
General Grant has absolutely no vanity
in the matter of dress. A stranger, who
/, al -, I,
in the corridor outside his business office in
Wall street, asked colored porter how he
should recognize the General when he came
in. "Jess yo' watch out fo' de fust gem
man dat looks as ef he nebber had his clos
brushed, and dat's him, was the reply
I brooklyn Eagle.
The other day lawyer was drawing up
a contract for Signor Antonio Pastor and
variety "star" When the document was
ready for the signature, the legal gentle
man proceeded to read. He began "The
party of the first part" No, yer don'tw
broke in the /" STAR" "Wot dyer take me
fur, chummies Yer don't find this child
in the fust part I'm in the olio, and /
won't do two turns for nobody, neither !"
With considerable difficulty the legal phrase
was explained and the contract was signed.
Mirror.
Poets often ask nonsensical questions.
In the last number of Our Century, Edith
Fitzgerald expresses desire to know
"why experience did not come to her as
soon as che was born instead of waiting for
number of years before putting in an ap-
pearance" Well, you see, Edith, if you
had been born old your mother would have
been your daughter. and so on, which
would have been rather confusing to your
grandmother and the old folks generally.
1t is far better as it is.-[New York