St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1882-06-16
SQUibS.

Strapping fellows - BARRIERS and
Schoolmasters.
All Indian remedies for bringing out
new hair will be regarded with dis
trust by man who has once been
scalped. N. O. Picayune.
DR.. Bliss is going to Europe. He
will doubtless start for Russia and
hang around within calling distance of
the car Lowell Citizen.
A New York state man who recently
tried Il flying machine of his own in
vention, had no advice to give those
who crowded around. All he said was:
"Work in burned fool somewhere on
my tOmbstOne!"
Some heartless wretch broke into a
farmers house the other night and
moved the bottoms of all his strawber-
ry boxes nearly fOur inches nearer the
lower end. The perpetratOr of this
brutal outrage should he made to suf-
fer for it, if he can he found Hawk
eye.
The high price of beef is gradually
drawing the yellow dog of Georgia in
to the hot vortex of the bologne sau-
sage factory Atlanta Constitution.
Inquirer: The principal study of
the sophomore year of cOllegians is how
to make life IL tiresOme disadvantage
to the freshmen Boston Post.
A shirt has two arms, the same as
pantaloons have two legs. Yet one is
called pair and the other is only one.
Isn't it time that we let up on astrOnO-
my, latin and greek, and paid more at
tentiOn to the everyday tritles that veX
the clearest minds > Christian at
Work.
"San Francisco is clamoring for brass
bands in churches.n Extreme meas
ures must be taken to keep San Fran
cisco people awake, evidently Low
ell Citizen.
"Charles, dear, now that we are mar
Tied, you know we should have no Sc
crets. SO do, like love, hand me the
bottle of hair dye you will find it in
my dressing case"
CiTcuses are buying up the horses
left by the late Jesse James of MissOu-
ri. There will be over 900 of the fa-
vOrite saddle horses of James on the
road this summer n. o. Picayune.
In Il certain room there are eleven
women sitting down. a lady passes
the house with new spring bonnet on.
Find the number who get up and rush
to the window. (That's where you are
fooled. One of 'em was too lame to get
out of her chair.
An American visiting Montreal gave
IA waiter ii silver trade dollar as IA fee.
Said the waiter: "Sir, did you intend
to give me Il dollar - II did, 'Well,
sir, this coin is at "A discount. | can
only take it for ninety-twO cents.
Eight cents more, please"
Said his prudent friend "Why, 50
for il carriage is extravaganza. Go in
horse car or take Herdic." And
the eXtravagant man replied ~ can't.
You see the lady Pm going to take isn't
my wife, Boston Post.
American craftsmanship eyes, said
the country member, 81 went to that
variety show because felt sure there'd
be nobody there who knew me burned
if pretty much the whole Legislature
wasn't there y Chicago Inter-Ocean.
Only about one out of the fifteen
American girls who 90 abroad to be
come great singers or painters are ever
heard of after returning home. The
other fourteen marry Italian counts,
and when night comes are too busy
taking care of the monkeys and mend
ing tambOurines to hunt up their old
acquaintances.
A man was once asked how he and
his wife got along with so little fric
tiOn in the family machinery. "Well,"
said he, "when we were first married
we both wanted our own way. want
ed to sleep Oh linen sheets, my wife
preferred cotton, and we couldn't agree.
Finally, we talked the matter over and
came to the conclusion that it was un-
christian to live i'll constant pickering
so we compromised on linen and have
got along all right ever since"
Specimen pension case: "Did you
go to war?n "NO, but ! was i'll camp
at Elmira for ten days" "Nere you
accidentally wounded ?" "No." ''Have
| a heavy fit of sickness 2" "NO." econ
tractrheumatism? "No." "My friend -
| said the lawyer, as he looked at him in
fatherly way, ''sOme pension agents
might he discouraged over your case
and refuse to touch it, but / shall at
once forward your papers for "A pension
on the ground that you were broken of
your usual rest during those ten nights.
Call again i'll 90 days for your back pay.
Good morning, sir-neXt ~ Brook
lyn Eagle.
A young man at Elkhart, Ind, has
started "A six-cOlumn weekly paper with
the avOwed object of ''restOring to the
republic its wonted grandeur and pros
perity." You can't do it, young fellow.
| We tried six years to restore the re-
/ public to its wonted grandeur and
prosperity by publishing the ablest pa
per in this country and taking turnips
and slab wood on subscription, and
never had money enough to buy a dog ;
| but of late years we have let the won't
ed grandeur of the republic shirls for
itself, and the lst OF January we had
! over Sc Peck's Sun.