Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-01-02

Old maids are described as TENDERS
from which the sparks have fed"
How many women would laugh at the
funeral of their husbands if it were not
the custom to weep.
At recent ecclesiastical gathering a
remark was quoted that 'sleeping in
church is disciplinable offense." Where
upon a parson in the audience rejoined,
''That is, the minister should be disci-
plined."
1t is about as hard to find girl whose
marriage is announced in the newspapers
who isn't "beautiful and accomplished
as it is to find man who has Just died
whQ wasn't "honored and respected by
all who knew him.
Young man, pause for reflection. Think
whether the girl who paints and wears
her hair in bangs is best calculated to run
the happiness mill for you through life,
and anchor the buttons to the back of
your shirt with any kind of suavity
tackled and scratched by catamount,
hurt by an explosion, had boulder rolled
down on him and stove in two ribs, and
was kicked by mule. And local editor
remarked that he had 'been somewhat
annoyed by circumstances lately"
81 have been to see Mrs Tittletattle, %
| said Mrs. Telltale, land the way she ran
| on about you was scandalous." $50 she's
been talking about me has she?" asked
Mrs. Brown quietly. eyes indeed she
has, replied Mrs. Telltale with emphasis.
''What nice time you two must have
| had" said Mrs. Brown.
81 can see," observed the prenologist.
without even touching your wife's head,
that she is woman of considerable brain
force" eyes, returned the simple-mind-
ed countryman, as if pleased with the OBJ
servation, ''my SAILS mighty hard hitter
leastways, I've got half dozen bumps
on my head to one on hern."
Mr.. and Mrs. Jones were starting for
church. 'Wait, dear,'' said the lady,
"Ive forgotten something; won't you be
good, now, and go up stairs and get my
goats off the bureau" "Your goats p
replied Jones; 'swhat new-fangled things
that?" s'Ill show you,' remarked the
wife, and she sailed up the stairs, and
down again with pair of kids on he1
hands; ''there they are, said she. ''Why
call those things kids said the surpris.
ed husband. "Oh, do your" snapped the
wife. "Well, so did I once, but they are
so old now, I'm ashamed to call them any.
thing but goats" Then they went te
| church. The next day Jones' wife had
half dozen pairs of new gloves in 6
handsome lacquered box of the latest
design.
One of the ludicrous incidents of the
Congregational Jubilee, which was hel(
recently at Manchester, England, was the
perplexity Of the committee having charg,
of the collection Of hymns when the jubi
lee hymn of Charles Wesley was proposed
1t begins with the familiar line, 9Th,
year of jubilee has come" and would hav'
been especially appropriate for the occa
sion had not the unfortunate line beel
found, 'Return, ye ransomed sinners
home" 1t was thought that the Ameri
can delegates might regard this reflection
as uncalled for, and the hymn was givel
up. The joke was too good to keep, ant
when the omission was explained at tn
closing ceremony by Mr.. Milne in hi
! reply to the resolution of thanks to th
people of Manchester, his words wer
received with roars of laughter
REMARKABLE CHANGE.-The marvelou
revitalizing power of Compound Oxyge
is shown in the following report of a pa
tient: appetite better; get hungry an
can eat hearty meal; feel stronger, an
can walk with ease and breathe free, eve
when going up hill; sore throat left Ell
tirely; chest feels free; cough very littl
when going to bed, and sleeges letter
have no cough over night = in
up and no more bleeding siEce using th
treatment" Treaties on Compound OK
gen sent free. Drs. Starkey & Palen, 11C
and Ill Girard street, Philadelphia, Pa.