The Dallas weekly herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1885, 1882-11-30
LAUGHING MATTER.

"How shall the American savage be CIV
ilized?" is a question asked by writer IN
the Atlantic Monthly. There are many
WAYS. Teach him that it is improper to
kins should be used at the fruit end Of the
meal and not during the opening chorus.
Teach him not to arrive at reception un-
| til o'clock, and never to appear in swal-
low tail during the afternoon. Tell him
that it is bad form to drink beer before and
absinthe after dinner. Also send him to
dancing school, compel him to avoid pie,
| and have him instructed in the art OF walk
ing in the English style. Then bang his
hair, and put a pair of eyeglasses and a
white plug hat on him, and You have your
Indian as thoroughly civilized as is the
average white man.
"Be you DR.. Hamilton?" asked a coun.
| tryman who had dropped in at the office of
the eminent New York surgeon. "Tha Us
my name" responded the doctor. well,
/ thought, as / was in town for day or
two, I'd jest call round and thank ye."
you're very kind, but was not aware
that you were under any obligation to me"
"That's what came 10 tell you about. It's
this way: I'd been sick for more'n three
year with the rheumatic, all the time a
groanin' and a cussin and a growlin', but
the very minnit | see your bill for boverin'
around our late president, Doc, got well.
You can't spar no time to come out and
take drink, can ye2'
ado you mix anything with your can
dies Pr he asked, as he laid his money down
and picked up the package of gum-drops:
'Well-ahem-a little glucose, perhaps
Anything else ?" Perhaps little clay
"Any chalk ?" "0nly very little. Not
enough to speak Of" Its Of no interest
to me, YOU know" continued the stranger;
"but l was wondering why You didn't
have your candies made at regular brick
yard, of the regular material, and have
Something you could warrant to pur-
chasers."
Lucy Stone denounces Rip Van Wrinkle
as presented by Joe Jefferson, because the
drunken husband wins more Of the audi
ence's sympathy than does his neglected
wife. When man wakes up after sleep
of twenty years on the mountains, missing
five presidential campaigns, with their riv-
ers of rum, in the interval, he deserves
more sympathy than the wife who has re.
NAMED at home and has had an excellent
chance to perform some very effective filrt-
ing in the meantime.
The new arithmetic: A human body
W ighing 160 pounds falls fifty-fve feet per
second. How long will it take baby weigh
ing thirteen pounds to fall down pair OF
stairs fourteen feet high? james and Henry
20 fishing and agree TO divide. James has
two nibbles and a bite from dog, and
Henry gets two duckings and loses twelve
shilling hat. What is the share OF eachY
Little Eddie T. was sick of gastric fever,
peevish and fretful, but he seemed TO want
the idea 10 prevail that IL wasnL much
trouble to attend him. His mamma, while
bathing his brow, soothingly remarked:
F"What is home without a mother2n The
young rascal Immediately snapped out:
"Well, what would mother be without a
homer
whats the matter with that man p
asked Deacon Gilpin, as weary. citizen
staggered by the store last night. Is he
drunkY' mo- answered Aminadab, hes
troubled with lunacy.n What kind OF lu-
macy I'd like to know2" why saloonacy,
of course" answered Aminadab, as he
helped himself 10 handful Of chestnuts.
The editor Of the Pittsburg Magnet says:
major Reynolds presented us this week
with some very large vegetable eggs. Inthe
absence Of the genuine article they are
first-rate substitute. Thanks" In the in.
terest of our agricultural readers we would
like to know II vegetable eggs grow on
chick-weed.
A physician falls into fit while making
A round Of visits, and il carried into a drug
store. "send for DIR. "" says some
body. "No. no, not for him." says the
dying man, feebly, at the mention Of dis
rivals name; "nh he brought me around Il
would advertise him prefer TO die"
A hotel-keeper announces that be has
ADDED "a celebrated gas-stewing machine"
10 his establishment. We shouldn't think
Il would improve the gas 10 stew Il; but
there may be some persons who like Il that
way.
Mamma, are you an actress? Do you
ever piay7T "No, my Gear; why do you
ask me7'i "Because," said the little limo
cent, Il heard papa say be came home late
from the club last night and you played
HI"
A rural dame entered a roIling-mill the
other day and asksd II they kept rolling
pins. She was accompanied BY her hus-
band. whc wanted 70 purchase a held
roller. This y reliable, II true.
when women have the haiioi, succsss-
ful candi5aie must be gallant enough %
sav be was elected b. handsome vote.
no matter bOE small his majority may be.
ISEs for ths hopeful youth i full Of To-
morrow. The old man Who lives on yes
terday has q slender diet and little comfort
A View York rsri has made sis1lOo0 by
81 oil transaction. A can o. y bleE her
rich aunt 70 kingdom come
No matter bor looss IN engagement ring
rner b. the diarnond never sips around On
he inside % q lniy's fnEsf-
WHEN he government wErts q building
80. II take = sirtt o. money 10 secure ~
n IL he vounF Eirl q engaging rnauners /
NJ naturally tsccfnes enrsFec frst-
An God cloibss cone high except oaL
ase
H.--s.-s,. 49, fss-rh.ss fsr Se-ysus-