The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-06-13
WIT AID HUMoR.

the baby can play with them.
great modiste issued the following
directions for wearing new style OF
headgear: with this bonnet the mouth
is worn slightly open.
Pa said child, thirsting for knowl-
edge, tthey say that beavers are the
most industrious of animals. What do
| they makePo Beaver hats, my child
beaver hats replied the father.
| Where are you going in such hur-
ryP' ssOnly back into the house a min
ute to change my pocketbook. Change
itP'' Yes, Ihad no idea the day was so
| hot; / started out with my sealskin
| pooketbook.
Said Brown: ''The day Twas married
l quit chewing tobacco, and l tell you it
was pretty hard on me that day, but the
next day was all right again. ''Ah!
how's thatP' s'Well the next day COM
menced chewing sgain."
| Powder explosion: A literary man,
who had recently published book, was
observed to be very downcast last week.
| what is the matter?n said friend;
| 'syou look all broken up" mo Won
| der.a was the answer: 's1've just been
blown up by magazine
| 1t is alleged of Melville that he is an
| inveterate punster. and that after the
wreck of the Jeanette, as they were
trying to make their way through field
| of ice, one of his men remarked: THAT
| ice will surely oppose our progress. -
! so ice suppose, was Melyille's rejoin-
| der.
| A matter of secrecy: s'Oh, Moike,
| Moike, darlinti' cried his wife, as her
+ husband was brought home to her with
| his legs broken from fall down an ele-
vator, ''do You think any harm will
come av it. Moike?'' ''DiviI bit, if the
doctors don't fond it out" was the suf-
| ferer's answer.
Country woman Ito parson, who had
called to ask why johnny, the eldest,
had not lately been to schooD-''Why
he was Is wear old last week. sir! Tn
sure he'ye had school enough. Hemust
know almost everything nowr' Parson
Thirteen, Mrs. NapperP Why, that's
nothing. | didn't finish my education
| till / was 23n' Country woman-'.Lor,
sir! You don't mean to say you were
such a thick head as that!''
The other evening at concert, an
old gentleman was much annoyed by
the constant coughing of a lady who
sat in the seat behind him. His patience
gave ont at last, he turned round and
said severely: *"That's very bad cold
of yours, madam to which the lady
demurely replied, II know it, sir, and
I'm very sorry for it. but it's the best
I've got.' The old gentleman was sill
enced.
"A stfngy family: '.But why did you
leave your last place?' asked Mrs.
Brown. s.Och, mum, =" replied the young
person, with q toss of her shapeless
head, ''they was that mean that there
was no livin' wild em. If you'll behave
it, mum. twas only yister that l whit
Until the parior and there was two of the
gurruls a-playin' on one peeanv and their
father rich enough to buy dozen and
niver fale itn'
A story of button: ''Rosalind, my
DEAR said her mother, who was sweep
ing out the front hall way. Does this
button belong to your father overcoat?'
LET me see ii. Oh, dear; no, ma! 1t
comes from Georges overcoat. Isn't it
Splendid 4 don't see anything so very
splendid about it. > ''Oh, why, ma! If
you were only young and such very
nice young man ike George should
should well, / shan't have any
more such works in this house. I've no
objection to p little moderate huGging
in the house. but young men can't hug
their overco.t buttons ollinmy hallway,
not much.'> Al Basaiind went to her
bs3sjoiF 20 it.-l;; - n Il we. =,
Useful der:isf1,: You look cheerful,
Mr. Spiser,'' said 8 friend who met the
old gentleman rambling down the av-
enue yes said the interrogated; Il
have Just had troublesome grinder
pullcd,9 and when the sympathizing
gentleman asked him if it hurt him
much, Seth cheerfully responded, mot
bit; twas an organ-grinder, and
policeman pulled
The father of a family, after reading
from the morning paper that the cold
the night before was intense, the Their
mometer registering many degrees be-
low freezitlo-poi11t said. Now, children,
] suppose yea are taught all about that
at school Which Of you can tell me
what the freezing-p point is ?'' 1.-The point
of my nose, papa, was the prompt re-
ply from one Of the youngsters.
A youth to fortune and 10 fame UNI
known sends Dunn 5 the manuscript of
a new play, asking the great dramatist
to become his coilIboratour. Dumas is
for moment petrii;ed, then seizes his
pen and replies: ssHow dare you, sir,
propose 10 Yoke IQ7cIllST II morse ana ttu
ass?'7 The author, by return OF post:
How dare you, sir, call me horseP"
Dumas, by next mail; Send me your
play my young friendr'
s'Pat, said gentleman who was
fond of using Understanding phraseology
to his man of all work. 81 am going to
town, at 10 O'Clock. and shall weed out
the cucumber beds in the interim" ''In-
terimPH thought Pat. That's mighty
ciuare name fer a garden anyhow" lis
Mr.. Smith at homer asked a visitor
who called shortly afterward. Eyes,
sorr; yen find him at work in his in
term, there beyant," announced Pat.
Meissonier's portrait of Mrs. j. w.
MaekeY= represents that lady as daintily
dressed, with broad direetoire hat,
and engaged IN buttoning glove of ex-
travagaut length. Probably he had her
use the glove to keep her occupied while
he painted. and tue picture shows that
he pot it done before she got the glove
buttoned Young men who have wait
ed for a girl to get her gloves buttoned
viii believe this.
Fun at a dinner party: The youngest
gentleman cit is his first yisit) has brok-
en- the ice at last by inquiring the
name of the hostess little daughter, to
which the child has replied Ethel. -
sand why, Ethel, do you keep patting
me on tba arm 2.' sBecause mamma