The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1882-08-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

( People learn wisdom by experience.
A man never wakes up his second baby
to see it laugh.
Taking things as they come is not so
very distressing. 1t is parting with
them as they go that cuts one to the
soul.
Eternal fitness was never more ap-
propriately dove-tailed in than in the
euphonious name of the German pianist,
Hammeritt.
ave go in for the old flag" remark
ed the property-owner who was ordered
to lay new sidewalk along the front of
his lot.
"How did you like the lecturerP'' 81
didn't like him at all. He gave us a
perfect Niagara of words and only riv-
ulet of ideas"
What is the difference between freight
and cargo. A horse-car conductor says
the passengers make the freight, and the
horse makes the car go.
''Meanl'' she cried, my husband is
the meanest wretch in the world. He
won't give me the least excuse for COM
planning.
"Hmr' calculated Fogg. $50 they
say this play is taken from life? should
say rather that the life is taken from
the play"
In horse-car-"Campbe my dear
fellow, don't show good breeding to-
ward the ladies or people will think you
came from the country"
SIS it injurious to eat before going to
sleepP" asks correspondent. Why no,
not fatally injurious; but you just try
eating after you go to sleep if you want
to see a circus.
.'See, mammar' exclaimed little
child, as puss, with arching spine and
elevated rudder, strutted around the
table, ''see, kitty's eaten SO much she
can't shut her tail DOWN.
You do not deal death-blow to the
Darwinian theory by saying, "Man de-
scended from the monkey, but what did
the monkey descend fromP" The mon
key descended from the tree.
"Mother, what have people got noses
forP" asked an Austin child of her moth
er, who had seen better days. ''To turn
up at poor folks, my child" was the
cynical response.
81 understand that your courtship
with Charley is at an end" YES" said
she; ''Charley pressed his suit until il
became threadbare, and then gave hiIn
the sack
A Kentucky lover, who swore by the
great horn spoon that he'd like to die foI
his girl, stood on the river bank and
saw another chap pull her from the wa
ter, and never even offered him Is cents
reward.
The thing now for city girls rusticat-
ing in the country is to whittle miniature
hay-ricks out of white wood and send
them to their admirers in town. This
probably signifies Come and make hay
while the sun Shines"
Things one would wished to have ex-
pressed differently: Musical maiden
81 hope am not boring you, playing SC
muchp'' Enamored youth-"Oh. no
Pray go on! I'D so much sooner heal
you play than talkr'
George, what lovely color for a re.
ception Dress" said Mrs. Jones to her
husband, viewing the electric light on
Niagara Falls from the balcony of the
Clifton house. "Yes," said Mr.. Jones,
''and what bath for jumbo"
A Hoosier youth named Gosley OF
Gosling, probably the latter, saw girl
at church, courted her two hours, and
at the end of three was married to her
A man who does up all his courting il
two hours and marries misses lots Ot
fun. It's like stuffing himself witt
peaches and cream in five minutes anC
then have having dyspepsia the rest o.
the year.
A nice Judge, when asked why he had
allowed totally unnecessary female
witness to take the stand and testify
said II knew that it was not necessary
but saw that she had new bonnet anC
was striving to show it."
Charles Lamb was once asked by +;
cheese-monger if he should send home
fine ripe Stilton cheese for him. mo
th-th-thank you," said, Charles. Il
you will give me bit of twine cou
cou-could, perhaps, [l-l-lead it home. ;
{; A Kansas newspaper joker publishes
an item to the effect that the best look
ing girls in the town chewed gum o.
the streets Before the paper had bee
out an hour every girl in the town wa
to be seen on the streets chewing gum
The philosopher who discovered tina
an obedience to the golden rule was tn
cause of the negro's fondness for th
whitewashing business may, perhaps, b
able to tell why the Chinese laundry
man invSriably has a red sign wit
white letters.
Two years ago man in Georgia XII
ed his wife, He fled, and has not "
been captured. In his stead two me
have been arrested at different points
the state. Each one had, as did tn
murderer, a scar on his forehead, thre
L. .,H
81 am ashamed of the effeminacy c
my sex," said female orator. Loo
atyour fripperies and superfuities! Why
for instance, do you need parasols, whe
] never used oneP" And pet mink an
swered: Because you are OH the shad
side of life.'
A new Mrs. Malaprop: In suburba
town lives Il relative of the immorta
Mrs Malaprop The other evening
caller asked if Mr. was ut home an
could be seen. II think not" was til
reply. II believe my husband has e2
pired for the night"
An old citizen in country village, o
having a subscription-list handed to hir
toward purchasing n new hcarse for tn
place, thus excused himself: II paid s;
Cor a new hearse forty years ago, an
me and my folks hain't had the benef
of it yet"
at is a long step" says S. G. "
Benjamin in the Century, in rapt admit
alton of Mr.. Benefits steam yach
''from the Mayflower to the Namouna.
1t is, and it is also although Mr.. Bel
jamin fails to mention the facta Ion
step from a pilgrim father to jaime
Gordon Bennett.
"Why is Mrs. Brown putting on s
many airs of lateP" asked Mrs. Jon'
of Mrs. Smith. Haven't you heard
their windfall?'' rejoined Mr.. Smith
mo, what is itP" said Mrs. Jones'
"Wby, Mr.. Browns uncle in the coul
try has just died and left him forty busl
els of potatoes"
''Oh, mine gracious, mudderT' e,
claims Miss Roscgarten atLong Brancl
''here comes Adolph Minzenheimer; T.
sure he will ask me to ride him in h
tog card" "Vell, you blease decline
init vOurcalf - onOrilv covc MrS RoO