River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-09-28
some food Stories.
A HUSBANDS CHRISTMAS PRESENT.


satisfied
At last he asked, "Have you cotton
cloth ?"
Certainly, sir"
81 need some new shirts. How
much cloth does it take for shirt"
"About four yards"
"'Fell, let's see. / want eight new
shirts. Eight times four are thirty-two.
I'll take thirty-two yards"
The gratitude of the wife at receiv-
ing as Christmas present the cloth
for eight new shirts for her husband
can be better imagined than described.
-EDIToR's DRAWER, Harper's Magazine
for October.
NOT TO BE DISCOURAGED.
At Dalton, Ga, they pointed out an
old darky who was to be married that
evening, and took seat beside him
on the depot platform, and said
"Uncle Reuben, is it true that you
are to be married tonight ?"
Yes, san-yes, sab, you's hit it 'zact-
ly right, sab"
"Were you ever married before?"
"Why, bress your soul, boy, dis will
be my fo'th wifel'
"How long is it since your last one
died p
"Jist free weeks mex week Satur-
day"
'Isn't it pretty sudden, when you
have been widower for only three
weeks?'
~ reckon not, sab. l doan see how
kin help de ole woman any by trab-
him round alone"
Sand they tell me that you are over
20 years old p
Eyes, sah-I'ze risin' of 49,"
"And you don't even own chick
en?"
mo, sah."
"And the bride is as badly off as
yourself?"
"Jist 'zactly, sah."
"Don't the future look little dark to
your"
"See heah, white man." replied the
old chap, as he slid to the ground and
brushed the dust off his coat-tails. ~
doan like that sort O. argument Use
ole an poo an doan know much, but
| amt de sort O. a mule to take a 10th
wife widout maxim all 'rangene
to board wild her ladder an gin him
my note wheneber anythin' am due!
Spose lie gwine to be sleepin' in fence
co'ners an ibin' on green apples kase
my las ole woman tux a noshun to die ?
No, sab! l isn't dat sort of mourner!
lie got to dat aige whar lie got to be
token car of if has to marry tree
wives to do it, Detroit Free Press.
HEALTH ITEM.
About year ago the smallpox pre-
vailed to some extent in Austin, and
there were great apprehensions at the
time of the dread disease becoming
epidemic. 1t was during this excite
ment that d sad-eyed colored man en-
tered a pawnbroker arena on Austin
Avenue with blanket under his arm,
which he offered as collateral security
for temporary loan of dollar. The
contracting parties disagreed on finan-
cial issues, the pawnbroker asserting,
with considerable positiveness, that he
was inviting financial ruin to take pos
session of him If he advanced more
than a slick quarter on the blanket,
while the negro stated if the times
were not so panicky, five dollars would
be no inducement for MIN to part with
the blanket.
"Why, you are out of your mind"
said the pawnbroker running his arm
through q hole in the blanket. 1t was
not worth three dollars when it was
new"
81 know dat, boss, but l hates to
part wild dat blanket on account OBJ de
tender recollecshuns connected wild
it."
"Eh?" exclaimed the alarmed pawn
broker.
A pearly drop ran down the dusky
nose, and as he tried to swallow big
lump the colored man said, "Dat
blanket belonged to my wife's mudder,
who died yesterday wild de small
poxes, but yer can hab it fer quar-
ter"
People wondered why the colored
man with blanket came out of the
shop in haste, as if fired out of a can
non, but he knew why. He wanted to
get good start, SO as to beat load of
buckshot, with which the pawnbroker
was preparing to vaccinate him.--A. E.
SWEET, in EDITORS DRAWER, HGrper's
Magazine for October.
There were plenty of seats in the
car, but as he walked down the aisle he
looked sharply to the right and left I'M
til he reached pretty girl who was
sitting alone.
"Seat engaged, Miss p he asked, with
knowing wink.
"N-no, sir" stammered the girl,
looking around in dismay.
Down he pumped, and braced him.
self for the campaign. He was a regu-
lar passenger, and held in his commu-
tafion ticket in his hand.
'Shall l open"
"Tickets !" roared the conductor,
who had watched him from afar.
The regular passenger smiled sweetly
at the pretty girl, and put up his paste
board, out of which two sides were
promptly nipped.
Tickets ~
"Hold on! !" protested the regular
passenger, "you have punched this
twice. This lady isn't with me-"
"Sorry," replied the conductor, "but
you walked in, sat down, ard went to
work in the regular married style.
Supposed of course it was your wife.
Take vacant seat next time. Tick
cts p
And the passengers went to the con-
ductor and asked him to drink, and
offered him cigars, and bought out the
train boy for him.
II knew they weren't married" said
he, as he squinted at glass of extra
prime. give seen him before, but this
is the first time it cost him couple of
dollars to play it,"
do you know who the lady is?'
asked an inquisitive man.
"My wife, gentlemen" replied the
conductor, and even the flask chuckled
merry ''glug glug" as he spoke
Trareler's Mdgasine
CAN'T MAKE HIM HEAR.
81 doan know What / shall do nit dat
telephone of mine," observed citi-
zen as he entered the headquarters of
the company yesterday, and sat down
in discouraged way.
''Out of order, is i,?"
Sometimes it vhas, und sometimes
it vhas all right. If go to speak NIT
der coal man, or der City Hall, or der
butcher, it vhas all right, und | can
hear every word. If somebody WANTS
to order my peer, | get de name shust
as plain as daylight"
"And when does it fail?"
"Vhell, shust like two hours ago. A
saloon man he owes me SIS, und
rings him oop and calls out: 'Hellol
4 4 IL L. a. l., H..