The evening light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1881-1883, 1882-01-17
Funniositiss.

mankind's trouble from an apple.
No woman should borrow the hus-
band of another, because it is not
good for man to be alo( a)ne.
Mistress: Well, Biddy, how do you
like that book / lent to you? Biddy:
Oh, sure it's beautiful book, mum!
It's sent me to Shape three tonnes:
"It's sot you. are, winter or sum-
mer," said the snappish wife to her
drunken husband. "And it's scold
you are, summer or winter" he re-,
piled, with a malicious grin.
A newspaper tells of man who is
1o4 years of age and has not used Ii
quor since he was 80. How old
would he belif he had used it all along
is the question that puzzles many.
"Your handwriting is very bad"
said a gentleman once to public Off
>cial. eyes," he replied; "but don't
you see, if I were to write better peo-
pie would find out how l SPELL"
"Mary," he asked, "why am like
buttG?'' He expected herto say that
it was because he was genuine article,
but was completely crushed when she
promptly replied, why, guess it's
because.the hotter it gets the softer
you act"
sIsn't it heavenly" said Miss Silly
billy to Mr.. Polo. "Whats" he asked.
"Why, the moon," "Oh, yes, just too
utterly heavenly" "Oh, do just doat
on the moon, don't you?" eyes it's
awfully nice, isn't it, and so splendidly
conspicuous, too!" Z
"Dan," said a four-year old, "give
me a penny to buy a monkey" "We
have one monkey in the house now"
said the elder brother. ''Who is it,
Dan?" "You," was the reply. "Then
give me penny to buy the monkey
some nuts" The brother could not
resist.
An apprentice boy who had not
pleased his employer one day came in
for a chastisement. during the admin
istration ofwhich his master exclaimed:
"How long will you serve the devils"
"You know best, sir; l believe my in
denture will be out in three months. I"
She hit him hard. Spoony dry.
goods clerk to smart miss trying on a
hat before the glass: Don't I wish I
was a looking glass. Smart miss: Yes,
perhaps you'd get more girls to look at
you then. Clerk collapses and is car
ried out.
A widow gave her age to the Amer
can census-man as twenty-five. In
the course of conversation she after
wards informed him that her husband
had died during the war "Poor
thing!" he remarked, show young to
be left widow" eyes, indeed" she
sighed. "Only eight" he continued
.sweetly. The widow suddenly wheeled
round and grabbed the broomstick,
and that census man steaked it down
the street quicker than lightning.
The ladies of >Ireland's land league
generally have a clark" with the in
spector of the royal Irish constabulary.
When he enters to declare their meet
ing illegal, they propose him for the
office Of chairman, and badger him so
that he is glad to retire.
Sir William Vernon Harcourt, M.
p, home secretary, will, it is said, be
transferred to the house of lords and
honored by the appointment of lord
chancellor. Sir William, who is the "His-
toricus" of the London Times, is an
able lawyer and will no doubt render
his party good service in. the upper
house.
Bikenhead was recently awoke at 3
O'Clock in the morning by violent ex-
plosion, which was followed by con-
fagration. On enquiry it was found
that one of the town gasometers had
exploded and ten had caught fire. 1t
created great alarm in the town and in
Liverpool, which is on the other side of
the river Mersey, but no material dam
age was done outside the gas works,