Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1882-07-06

off und waits for change, but if his pants
vas down dey goes right back home and puts
in de crop. Dink uf it, my trent. Wild de
thermometer pants you can dell exactly ven to
put in cappage seed, und plant corn dwice as
petter as NIT any almanac, besides ven de ved-
der gets.so cold und vet dot de pants goes up
under your arms, you can sew buttons on oe
front und year dem as q vest"
When Hoffenstein finished his yarn concern
ing the pants, the countryman smiled and
turning abruptly on his heel, left the store.
ssDid you see de way dot man acted, Her
man ?'' said Hoffenstein, angrily.
Eyes, sir" replied his clerk.
"Veli it shust shows dot de more you try to
help some people along, de more you don't get
any tanks for it.''-Joe C. Aby.
BROTHER GARDNER on GENEAL0GY.
ssWhen I shake hands wild stranger" said
Brother Gardner, rs silence fell upon the mem
bers, 81 doan' keer two cents whedder MS
great-great gran 'fader was Cabinet officer OF
a cobbler; whedder his own gran 'fader sold
silk or kaliker; whedder his fader was a coop
er or a statesman. De man have to deal with
am de man befo' me, an not de dust an bones
an coffins of his predecessors. He may size
I'D we'll or he may run to remnants; he may
be suuar, or he may be blk he may be hon
est, or he may have de right bower up his sleeve,
dat am for me to find out
81 doan' propose to jine hands wild stran-
ger bekase his gran 'fader cum ober wild de Pill
grims. Neither shall 1 lend five dollars to one
o. my color on de ground dat his uncle Welghed
ton an shook hands with three dlfterent
Presidents. What man am he am, an Whed-
der his fader was poet or a blacksmith won't
make him better or wuss. Size up your man
on his own personal shape. 1t doan' matter
to YOU what sort of a he'd his fader had, or
how big his uncle's feet war, he am de man
YOU are doin' bizness wild. De pusson who
trabels in dis kentry Oh nothing but the
record made by some relative half century
since, will land in Jail as soon as in good So
ciety. When I have any plug terbacker to
spare, de man who's fader didn't do anything
hut mind his own biziness an purvide fur his
family will get it quite as quick as de man
who's fader diskivered acomet or predicted an
airthquake.
81 want each an ebery member of dis club
to STAN on his own shape. If lie am fast col
ors, dat's all we want to know. IT he cracks
or fades in de washin' he must keep down an
out, De fact dat Samuel Shin's fader was
Elected to de South Carolina Legislator doan'
prove dat Samuel hisself knows beans from
hoss-barns. Likewise, de fact dat Giveadam
Jones had an uncle hung fur stealin' con doan'
90 to prove dat it wouldn't be safe to leave our
brndder in a grocery sto, fur half an hour
while de clerk went out arter change. When
man boasts dat one oh de family signed de
Declarashun of Independence, dOan' you take
his note widout a good indorser. People who
lay back on nothing but de glory OF de dead,
an de craftsmanship Of some one who sat in
Congress a hun'red Vars ago am just as apt
to work off bogus dollar OH Il sOre-eyed rail-
road conductor as de man whose geological
tree has baker hangin' to ebery limb. "-De-
troit Free Press.
AHAPpY TKoUGHT.-An intimate friend
of the late Rev. DR.. J. B. Wakeley tells an
amusing anecdote of him, as follows:
The doctor was most inimtable delineator,
and fond of good story He related to me,
with great glee, how he extricated himself
once from an awkward dilemma. Preaching
in Hudson River town on warm summer
afternoon to congregation of farmers main
", from the text, "If any man draw back,
my soul hath no pleasure in him, }" he lnad-
vertently observed, ''My brethren, sheep never
fight' Those who were awake looked up at
him, and showed, by their interest, that the
minister had never seen two old rams trying
to butt each others brains out. The doctor
discovered his mistake as soon as they did,
but not seeing his way out of it, he repeated
the statement with great emphasis. Those
of his audience who were awake nudged their
sleeping brethren, who on opening their eyes,
looked about to see what had happened. This
greatly embarrassed the doctor, and he was
now sadly puzzled. He ventured with still
greater emphasis to repeat the statement,
my brethren, sheep never fight" when luck
lily he saw his way cut, and doubling his inst,
struck it into the palm OF the other hand,
adding, with genuine junction, ''except they
first draw back"
No TINE TO TELL L1E-Jesse G.. had
the reputation of being the "biggest liar'' in
Georgia. and was never known to come out
behind One hot day Bill H. sat on the shady
side of his barn. After dinner he saw Jess
riding in great haste toward town. Bill
hailed him and went to the gate. Jess asked
what he wanted. ''Stop and tell us a big lie"
said Bill. ''No time for lying now," said
Jess. "Your uncle Soil died suddenly an
hour ago, and am going for the coroner and
a cofin.'' And on he went. Bill ran to the
house and told his wife. She gathered up the
children. He hitched the horse to the wagon,
loaded in his family and posted off four miles
through heat and dust to uncle Soils. On
arriving he found the family and two neigh
bors in the large kitchen, uncle Soil buried
to the eyes-in half big watermelon. The
surprise was mutual and explanations follow
ed. well" said Bill, II asked Jess for a big
lie, and not only got it, but was fool enough !
to believe it. wouldn't believe him again if
knew he was dying. .'-Marietta Journal.
G. They don't speak now. They were EN-
gagged to he married, and called each other by |
their first names-Tom and Fanny-and he
was telling her how he had always liked the
name of Fanny, and how it sounded like mu-
sic in his ears ''I like the name so we'll - he !
added, as sort of clincher to the argument,
''that when sister Clara asked me to name
her terrier, at once named it Fanny, after
you, dearest,' 81 don't think that was very
nice" said the fair girl, edging away from !
him. "How would you like to have dog
named after you ?'' 'Why, that's nothing"
said Tom, airly 'half the cats in the coun-
try are named after me.''
a While Bishop Ames was presiding over
a conference in the west member began a
TRADE against universities, education, ETC.,
thanking God that lie had never been corrup-
ted by contact with college. After pro- !
ceeding thus for few minutes the bishop in
terrupted him with the question: "Do un- .
derstand that the brother thanks God for his .
ignorance ?" ''Well, yes," was the answer;
''you can put it in that way if you want to-
"Well, all I have to say" said the bishop, in .
his sweet, musical tones, 'is that the brother ,
has a great deal to thank God for"