The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1882-05-12
WIT AND HUMoR.


When at home. the Chinaman is q
Monaghan When IN the United States
he is a Mustgolian.
| tsNever put off until tomorrow what
you ought to put on to-day. You might
take cold.
1t takes a man seven years to raise an
alligator big enough to bite his raiser's
leg off, If you don't believe it you can
try it and see.
A Vermont couple have married after
a courtship of twelve years, during
which the brides father has put seven
sets OF hinges on the front gate.-E1-
change.
Professor in psychology: ..Can we
conceive of anything as being out of
time and still occupying spaeePn Musi-
zeal Student (thoughtfnllyl: Eyes, sir:
A poor singer in a chorus.H
The Marquis of I4orne, it is said, claims
that some of his ancestors pat their feet
| under King Arthur's Round Table II
his ancestors had been Amasseans they
would have put their feet on top of ID
| A writer says: 1.-THE bycicle is a great
thing to put flesh on mans leg" In is
| also o great thing to take flesh off a
mans nose and other portions of his
face.
Statistics disclose the fact that to ev-
cry ten children born in Wales, less than
seven ever reach their goth year The
others are worn out learning to speak
Welsh.
Miss Schuyler" humbly; but she
went on relentlessly: II wonder what
you think of us girls? Do you believe
we think you so well worth winning that
we are ready to take You at the very
slightest hintP''
Don't you think, !" asked Brown, .'that
Pingry is laboring under an hallucina-
tion?'' mo, don't" replied Fogg.
He has an hallueination, but dom
believe he is laboring under it. / never
knew him to labor under any thing"
B is hale old bachelor of go, ordi-
narily with white hair The other day
a friend met him. and exclaimed, at
seeing his purple black locks: Flows
this? Have you taken to dyeing?" .sOh,
no" replied B, ssbut am in deep mourn
ing"
He had owned setter dog, and this
was the story he told: Eyes, sir; the
way that dog was devoted to me was
just amazing. Why, he heard me say
to my wife that / was pressed for mon
ey, and he went and died the day before
the dog tax was assessed"
Eight parts in ten of the blood con-
sists of pure water, do you remark that,
Mrs. ToofioridaP'' II do, sir; and if
IFS your own blood YOU are talking
about, Mr.. Tooflorida, take my word for
it. the other two parts consist of
whisky"
A Hartford clergyman to q newly
welded pair-The marriage state i'm
poses various duties. The husband must
protect the wife. while the wife must
follow the husband whithersoever he
goes. Bride-Lor, sir. can't that be al
tered in our case? My husband is going
to be a country postmaa.
A man in st. Louis sat watching stone
masons laying cellar wall, when he
suddenly arose, approached one of them,
aimed a pistol AT him and shot him dead.
His defense was insanity, and if he was
hiring the men by the day and the man
| worked at the rate of speed usual to
masons it no wonder the employer went
| insane.
Very few prettier girls have lever seen
than one who sat near me, an evening
not long ago, at table d hote, at the Con-
tinental. Philadelphia. The loveliest of
auburn hair, beautiful features, smallest
of mouths and prettiest of teeth-aH
combined to make her exceedingly at
tractive. Turning to a queer-lOoking
little old lady at her side, she suddenly
exclaimed, 80, ma, amt them mince
pies beastly?"
A man travelling in New Hampshire
and seeing a laborer at work in field
said, rather pityingly to him: ~ GU must
have a hard time of it, this land is so
rocky and barrenP" And the laborer
replied: Eyes, stranger it is poor land.
But don't think I'm so poor as L seem,
I don't own any of it. y
Ella Wheeler MARBLES: 'sThe year has
but one June, dear friend; the year has
but one june You are right, Ella;
the year has but one June. At least,
| that is all we can find in the almanac.
But sometimes we are almost willing to
swear that it has two Januaries, with q
month betweenthem. -N0rYiSt01Un Her.
| aid
When a Kentucky congressman was
| informed that he could have all the gar
den seetlsshe wanted from the Agricul-
stural Department, he exclaimed, 'sSeedsi
what do I want seeds forp But hold on!
Yes, yes; believe / want few" And
he forthwith sent for a half-bushel of
cardamon seeds, the only seeds he had
any use for.
81 tell you,'' said the canvasser, '.you
have no idea of the hard work there is
i'm this business. 1t is either talking or
walking from morning till night BEG
PARDON replied the victim. Il have n
| pretty distinct idea of the talking part
of your programme. Now please favor
me with an exhibition of the walking
part" Thescanvasser exhibited.
A good fellow, little deaf, went into
theatre in London, the other day,
where Il pantomine was going on. For
| fIve. minutes be contented himself with
listening with all his might, leaning for
ward, making an ear-trumpet with his
hand, etc. At last, finding himself still
unsuccessful, he rises. and cries out in a
rage: ..Louderi Louder, / tell you; no
body can hear that."
French matrimonial agents are some
| times men of genius. One of this gen
| try has lately conceived the idea of open
ing grand ''monrning store" and
placing his young clients there us clerks.
! In this wny they see Il plenty of widows.
Now u widow is easier to mar
ry than demoisclle, because she is
more independent of her family. By the
| purchases she makes, her fortune can be
estimated. And lastly it is easy to OBJ
tain adfnitt.nee to her house, bring home
the goods she has bought. and then it is
| but n step to pass oneself off for deS-