Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1882-03-29
Artemus Ward in England.

ghenies must be a mere piazza compared with
that top-roof Of the earth.
Artemus Ward in England.
Il. r. Hawes in Good Words.
when Artemus arrived here in 1866 he was a
dying man. / can see him now as he came on
the platform In front Of his interior panorama,
and stole glance at the densely packed room
and then at his panorama. His tall, gaunt,
though slender figure, his curly light hair and
large aquiline nOse which always reminded me
OF macaw, his thin face flushed with consump-
ton. his little cough, which seemed to shake
hlm to pieces, and which he said was "wearlng
him out, at which we all laughed irresistIbly,
and then felt ashamed of ourselves. as well we
might; but he himself seemed to enjoy his
cough. 1t was all part of that odd topsy-turvy
mind in which everything appeared most natu-
rai upside down.
On first entering he would seem profoundly
unconscious that anything was expected of him,
but after looking at the audience then at his
own clothes, and then apolOgeticaly at his pam
Drama. he began to explain its merits. The fact
was that Artemus intended having the finest
scenes that could be painted, but he gave that
up on account of the expense, and then deter
mined to get the worst as the next best thing
1or his purpose When anything very bad came
up ne would pause and gaze admiringly at the
canvas. and then look round a little reproach-
July at the company. " This picture, "he would
H.,
done in petroleum. 1t is by the old masters
lI was the last. thing they did before dying
they did this and then they expired. l wish
you were nearer to it SO you could see it better
l wish i could take it to your residences and let
you see it by daylight. Some of the greatest
artists IN London come here every morning be-
fore daylight with lanterns to look at it, They
say they never saw anything like it before and
they hope they never shall again!''
Nothing could be more impromptu, and there
fore riveting, than his manner throughout from
the moment he entered; he seemed to be doing
everything for the first time and without the
Least preparation and, indeed. he was most un-
ike such mechanical artists as Albert Smith
who used to say he could go through his Mont
Blanc' half asleep. Artemus was ALWAYS in
reality at high pressure. He was never twice
the same: he poured out new jokes with prodi-
gal invention, and every gesture was original
and arose out of the immediate occasion. His
finger was ever on the pulse of the people; thev
were always absolutely in his power. whilst he
iiattered them by appearing to be entirely in
theirs. He would conciliate them. inspire pity,
claim indulgence. throw himself upon their
generosity. pretend to exert himself. to labor
under depressing sense of failure, even make
capital out of his poor cough; and then he was
so deeply wounded If some very mild joke failed
to elicit applause that he would stop and look
reproachfully at the people until they shook
with a new sense of the absurd situation. At
other times when interrupted by laughter. he
would look round with surprise and say. ii did
not expect you to laugh at that. L can throw
Off numbers Of those little things. but [ assure
you can do better than that
When he opened his lecture on the Mormons
at the Egyptian hall, he said quite APOLOGIZE
cai1y: 81 don't expect to do much here but / have
thought If could make money enough to buy
ne passage to New Zealand should feel that /
had not lived in vain. don't want to live in
vain. I'd rather live in Margate, or here"
The heat was most oppressive and the hall
very crowded the day / was there and looking
up to the roof, he continued: "But wish when
the Egyptians built this hall Ga burst of laugh
teq3 they had not forgotten the ventilation !"
Apropos of nothing at all, little further on he
observed: 81 really don't care for money; only
travel around to show my Clothes" This was a
favorite joke of his; he would look with piteOHs
expression of discomfort and almost misery at
his black trousers and swalloW-tail coat. a cos
tune in which he said he was always most
wretched. "These clothes have on" he con-
hnued, ''were a great success in America" (and
then quite irrelevantiy and rather hastily chow
often do large fortunes ruin young men.
should like to be ruined, but can get on very
well as | ami So the lecture dribbled CT with
little fragments of impertiuent biography. mere
pegs for slender witticisma IKE this: ''When
quite child used IS draw on wood; | drew a
small CARLOAD of raw material over a wooden
bridge; the people of the village noticed me;
drew their attention; they said l had future
behind me-" Or this: Il became man; | have
always been mixed up with art. have an uncle
who takes photographs, and have a servant
who takes anything he can get his hands on
But Ward was something besides sparkling
humorist; he was man of character and prin-
cipal; there was nothing of the ADVENTURE
very little even of the Spectator about him
Even in the depths of comedy he was always on
the side of justice and virtue and not with the
big battalions 81 ak these questions" (about
Louis Napoleon), says the Snowman my
royal duke and most noble highness and Inn
perials, because I'm anxious to know how he
stands as a man. l know he's smart He is
cunnin', he is long-headed, he is crate: but
onless he is good he'll come down with crash
one of these days, and the Bonypartes will be
busted up again. Bet yer life These comic.
but prophetic, words were written when the
late emperor was at the climax of his power.
and about the time it was so much the fashion
to call the second empire perfect success
ArtemuS Ward was worthy and lOveable
man; he was sound, blameless, shrewd. sensi-
tive and affectiQnate. His devotion to his old
mother was like that of little child; her COM
fort and happiness constantly uppermost In his
thoughts. At one time he wanted to get her to
England-alas, it would only have been to weep
over his grave! At another he thought of going
home to live with her after making his fortune.
His fame he valued quite as much for the pleas
ure it gavethe old lady as for the cash it brought
him in.
He was the natural foe of bigotry, Pecksniffi-
anism, and immortality Of every kiad. There
are many hits at hypocrites Journalists, shams,
and religious scoundrels; but throughout the
whole of his works you will not find one sneer
at virtue or religion, and in spite of few broad
jokes not quite in European taste, there is not
one really loose or ungarded thought. The
Times said of his lecture on Mormons, sit il
utterly free from offence, though the opportuni-
ties Of offence are obviously numerous; NOT
only are his jokes irresistible, but his silrewd
remarks prove him to be man Of reflection as
well as consummate humorist." 81 never stain
my pages" writes Artemus, with even mild
profanity In the first place it is wicked, and In
the second 1t is not funny"
The Virtue Of Lazincss.
From 0ufz