Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1882-07-27
1a,lraster fntelliQcnrer.
EVENING, JULY ~. 1882.
JULY JOKES.
Tho Funny Mon m Mid Summer.

Tho Funny Mon IN Mid sunsmer.
Hostility to New England has not died
out entirely in the South. A Georgia paper
states the rumor that Oscar Wilde is to be
married to Boston girl.
A Vermont man has invented a gun
which will send bullet through nine men
standing one behind another. During a
battle men always stand thus to let the
enemy have fair pop.
"Why don't you grow q mustache. Ed
win? You would look much better" 81
don't want one. Two got pair of criketer's
whiskers." "Cricketer's whiskers! What
are they?" "Eleven on each side, dear"
1t is stated that, since the Hon. Tug
Wilson declined to be knocked out of time
in four rounds, the movement to change
the name of Boston to Sullivan City has
been abandoned.
"There is nothing like settling down."
said the retired merchant cOnfidentially to
a neighbor. "When gave up my busi-
ness l settled down and found had quite
a comfortable fortune. If had settled
up should not have had cent"
The chapsome rams OF tender age
Frisk gaily DER the lawn.
The sweatful farmer smiles his mules,
And plows the growing corn.
The city cousins packs their trunks,
And coo their sOftest " co.,"
Dear uncic-we'll be down next week.
And bring the children. too"
"Ma," he asked, what's them ?" and
he pointed to "hors drucres on the bill
Of fare. "Oh," said ma, them there is
one of the fish they give folks as don't
care to eat soups; but l wouldn't eat none
if was you"
One Of the younger Coquellin's stories
relates that during visit to Brighton,
Sarah Bernhardt lay down on the beach
dressed in white. She was brusquely
awakened from her reveries by washer
women, who picked her up. having mis-
taken her for a bath towel laid out to dry.
In allutling to the death of pig from
sunstroke, the Chicago Inter- Ocean says
that " We must all be more careful and
wear sponses or green leaves in our hats. -
1t isn't often that a confession SO frank in
its nature cmanates from Chicago.-Boston
Herald.
Didn't you tell me, sir, that you could
hold the plough ?" said a farmer to az
Irishman whom he had taken on trial
Arrah be aisy now," said Pat /" how
the deuce can 1 hOuld it and two horses
drawing it away from me But give it tt
me in the barn, and bejabers Ill hould
IL with ANYBODY.
Two boys sent into the country by &
s" fresh air fund " thus conversed : " Say
Pat, will We see apples on trees 20 HO
of course yOu WILL" said his companion
with a tone Of conscious superiority. "Bu
/ don't like tbem," added he 81 att
some in the country last summer and the!
were sour. Apples that grow in barrel.
arc best. ."-Nec York Telegram.
An a;tsul juryman, addressing the clcrl
Of the coHrt while the latter was admins
tering The oath, said "Spcak up can
not hear what you say" "Stop," sal.
Baron Anderson. from the bench. CAR
y"n deaf" "Ies, my lord, of one car.
''Thsn you may leave the box, for it i
necessary that jurymcn should hear hotl
Sides"
Classical quotations Ambulacn in Htor
-" lie went out on litter" Ergo Hi
dtUoldt ct supra caput estdtit-" Therefor
Iris flew down and stood upon her head.
Sectum Epicuri fagitiorum nagistram ess
The mistress of Epicuries was GU
through with faults" Out dedit ergo tr
Lus pdt,uis aconita-'. Who gave poison t
his three fathers ?" RarG an tuni facundi
Rno-" Eloqucnce is rare in their hands.
Iiburno IN gurgite mergis mara caput II
terQus-" Soak your head in the Tiber tw
Or three times" Instruct trplieem acie,
He drew three aces" Contrari tell,
m,ttibns 0ssidn;s a,lupHsQuc aadesct ct austl
-"The spunky earth got mad at tt
nibbliDg asses and the austere plover."