The National tribune., 1882-06-17
WIT AND HUMORr

do not" remarked Brown. "When 1 don't
know a thing 1 say at once, I don't know"
"a very proper course" said Fogg; "but how
monotonous your conversation must be!"
A lawyer once said to countryman in a
smock frock who was undergoing his exam
ination in the witness box, You in smock
frock how are you paid for lying?" LESS
than you are, unfortunately" was the reply,
or you would be in smock frock, too.'
eyes, this must be the ladies' cabin" said
young lady to her friend as they halted at
the door of the cabin of ferryboat and
peered inquisitively in. why do you think
so?" doubtingly asked the other. "Oh, De
cause there are so many men in it" was the
answer.
Count Ito his servant J" John, 1 have
noticed that ever since your wife's death
you come home drunk every evening. Why
is this ?" John am only trying to con-
sole myself for my loss" Count-"And how
long is this going to last?" John" Oh,
sir, am incon.olable."
A youth who attended Scotch revival
meeting for the fun of the thing ironically
inquired Of the minister whether he could
work miracle or not?" The young mans
curiosity was fully satisfied by the minister
kicking him out of the church with the
but we can cast out devils!"
Bootblack amenities Mickey" say,
Shorty, there was blacksmith down here
a-looking fer yer" Shorty, unsuspiciously
-" Wot did he want?" Mickey-"H He
wanted to hire yer for bellows" Shorty,
unconcernedly- Yer don't say so. Well,
there was Eyetalian here aslin' after you.
He said he thought he could use yer"
Mike, uneasily-" What fer?" Shorty
He wanted new crank for MS organ
Prentice was playing poker on Missis-
sippi steamer He bet a thousand on his
hand his opponent raised him FIVE hundred; ;
Prentice again raised the stake a Thousand.
Prentice" said the opponent, confidently,
you are betting more than your hand is
worth" Prentice looked at his hand, turned
it down on the table, and said, Sir, if were
playing with Jupiter, at star ante, would
darken the heavens on the hand / have just
turned down."
On Sunday evening Boston divine sud
denly paused somewhat near the close of
his sermon, and said: I'VE would all be
glad if that young nan in the vestibule
would come inside and satisfy himself
whether she is or is not here. That would
l. I,.l
draft on the occupants of the back pew"
And in the solemn silence that followed the
congregation could hear sound outside as
of the retreat of an army with banners.
Ask some men for an advertisement and
they will answer: Il don't believe in ad-
vertisng. Nobody reads your paper" but
let the same man be caught kissing a neigh
bor's wife or trying to hold up a street light
and his tone changes Immediately, and if a
newspaper Office is in the garrett of a seven
story building he will climb to the top and
beg the editor to keep the affair out of the
paper, as all of his acqusintances in seven
counties would get on to it.
Spring agOny-As the suns rays begin to
fall more directly upon the earth, warming
up the soil and starting up early vegetation,
u new and brilliant agony appears. A young
lady beautifully decorates a miniature spade
and sends it by district telegraph boy TO
young gentleman friend. This signifies, Il
am about to set out my plants. Come this
evening and spade UP the front yard for me-"
The agony is that the young mans sole
knowledge of the use of spade comes from
the ANTE" room
Two Highlanders found themselves unable
TO get into harbor in their boat, the waves
driving it out to sea so pcrsistently that
Donald, after obstinately battling with the
elements, cried out to Duncan in dialect
which we will not attempt fully to represent:
$50 doom on your knees, mon, and offer
bit prayer" But before Duncan was on his
knees the boats keel grated on the beach,
whereupon Donald shouted: stop praying;
we've come ashore by our own exertions, and
I'll no. be beholden to anybody"
The bride of Green Bay wis wedding
was astounded at receiving from friend a
pair Of trousers, with the message: Loaned
for the part you are to play" While the
natural excitement was high, the friend ar
rived, and explained that the trousers should
have gone to a fellow for wear in an amateur
entertainment, while a piece of silverware
should have come to the wedding. lie had
hastily whipped the bludering messenger, and
Wouldsubmit himself 20 any punishmentthat
the bride might inhict. She made him wait
Tor kiss until everybody else was served.
In q railroad car on the Pittsburg and
Lake Erie I.ailroad the seats were all fun
except one, which was occupied by pleasant
looking lrisnnan, and at Beaver "A couple of
evidently well bred and intelligent young
ladies' came in to procure seats Seeing none
vacant they were about going into the next
car, when Pat arose hastily and offered them
his seat with evident pleasure. 4" But you
will have no seat yourself" responded one
of the young ladies with smile, hesitating,
with true politeness, to accept it. "Niver
mind that" said the gallant Hibernian, I'D
ride upon COW catcher to New York for a
smile from such jintlemanly ladies'"