The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1882-10-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

can never keep their balance in bank
A horse race. like the law, must al
ways take its course.
When is woman not q woman?-
When little cross.
A flush oft times comes to the most
delicate cheek. But it is not always safe
to bet on flush every time.
There is man in Evansville, Ind, so
cross-eyed that whenever he weeps the
tears run down his back bone.
Tom Thumb is said 70 own yacht
We suppose she is sailed by Thumbs
crew.
Never put off until tomorrow the debt
you can pay to-day Tomorrow never
comes, but your creditor does. He is as
sure as death and taxes.
That was philosophical scribe who
said: '.A woman has to settle mans
coffee with the white of an egg, but she
can settle his hash with look.'
When you get short measure, it is not
Satan seeking your SOULS injury, but
the groceryman lying in weight for your
dollars and cents.
Speaking of shad, would you say the
price has gone up or has risen?' inQuir-
ed schoolboy of fshmonger. well"
replied the scale scraper, speaking OF
shad, should say it had rose"
''Therer' triumphantly exclaimed a
Deadwood editor, as bullet came
through the window and shattered the
inkstand, 81 knew that new personal
column would be success"
The bookkeeper of country news
paper in Massachusetts has disappeared
taking the keys of the safe with him.
The keys are probably the most valua-
BILE things he could find about the place
'.Little thanks are due to him who
only gives away what is of no use to
himself" We always did entertain
that opinion of the man who would kick
another.
While boring an artesian well in Bos-
ton recently, the workmen struck
baked bean six hundred feet under the
ground. 1t is supposed to have been
placed there before the flood.
"Women are so contrary" said
Blobbs. II thought when got married
my wife would darn my socks and let
me alone; instead of that she lets my
socks alone and darns me''
Father, who is always trying to teach
his son how to behave while at the table:
"Well, John, you see when finish eat
ing always leave the table," Eyes,
sir, and that's about all you do leave"
At one of the New York theaters the
other evening, between the acts the
music stopped suddenly and lady in
the audience was heard tcexclaim, 1--WE
always fry ours in lard"
By long custom everybody in Bethle-
hem is expected to congratulate &C
quaintances on every birthday. Imagine
whole town congratulating a kitten
ish maiden lady on having entered her
forty-seventh year.
elf ever used any unkind words,
Hannah" said Mr.. Smiley, refectively,
81 take them all back" Eyes, 1 sup
pose you want to use them all over
again." was the not very soothing re-
ply.
The guests have dined and the host
hands round case of cigars. 81 don't
smoke myself he says, ''but you will
find them good-my man steals more of
them than of any other brand | ever
had"
The United States army has become
sadly depleted, thirty of its members
having deserted '.in all directions If
thirty more should get away the army
will have to adjourn for want of a quo
rum.
A Mifin man had q novel fishing adj
venture the other day. A pike darted
by his hook closely followed by larger
pike. The big fish swallowed the small
Ter one and then turned and swallowed
the fisherman's hook. Finally a still
bigger fish come along and swallowed
the other fish, the hook and the fisher
man.
EYES," said Col Mooney, II used to
believe everything; was the most credu-
lous fellow alive. But" he added,
''since have had this COMPOUNDED sore
throat it is hard for me to swallow any
thing"
A Louisville man under close cross
examination stated that in his Judgment
the most incomprehensible thing in the
world is not woman or the phono-
graph, but how those four aces got up
his sleeve.
An exchange contains an article head
ed, San Aged Man Dies.'' There is
something singular about this. 1t is
noG the first case of the kind. Several
aged men have died this year. There
must be new epidemic going around.
Not enough ozone in the atmosphere OF
something.
In no city of Texas do the clocks and
watches vary SO much as they do in
Austin. The town time differs from the
time at the jewelry stores, while railroad
time seems to regulate itself. Yester-
day afternoon gentleman with grip
sack in his hand remarked on hearing
the town clock strike 2: ''Merciful
Moses! it is quarter past 4, and now
the o'clock train that was to go off
on left three-quarters of an hour ago."
A Californian lectured in Arizona on
1.-THE Invisible Police" Though the
effusion treated solely of the existence
of the soul after the death of the body
the cowboys in the audience were de-
termined to kill the speaker because
they didn't propose to have no BANKED
Californian run their city government"
The word police acts on an Arizonian
as red rag does on five year old bull.
''Fve lost patient" said doctor,
sitting down to boarding house dinner
table. with frown on his face as black
as a gunpowder poultice. 81 am sorry
to hear it Man or woman?" asked one
of the boarders. Man" when did
he dep '.Die! hang him, he's not dead!
Hestopped taking my medicine, got well,
and ran away without paying his BILL"
1t is related that Secretary Evarts was
ouce one of a party who were visiting
the Natural Bridge in Virginia. AS is
usual, after tarrying at the top they de-
scended and viewed the wonder from be-
low. While there the story was told
that George Washington had once stood
there and thrown silver dollar COM
pletely over the bridge. Some of the
party pooh-poohed the assertion, but
Mr.. Evarts gravely rebuked them, say
ing. You forgot how much farther
dollar went in those DAYS."