The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-08-05
Good News About the Shirt.

In the course of a confidential CONVEX.
sation with friend who had recently
had two new shirts made, we learned
incidentally that the style of building
shirts had radically changed, and thai
they were being made to button in the
front instead of at the back of the neck.
The news was so good that we could NOT
believe it until we had it directly from
a shirtmaker, who showed us the ground
plan and front elevation that had been
prepared by architects for the erection
of some fine shirts for our best citizens.
and sure enough the old fashion of fold
ING doors in front instead of storm door
between the shoulder blades in the back
was the fashion. We have never felt so
much like passing resolution of thanks
to the shirtmakers and a resolution of
coincidence to parties who have got to
wear the old ones, in our life. Those
shirts that button in the back have been
the cause of more profanity than any
one thing. Shirts that button in
the back have been the cause of
crime. Religious societies can not
prosper as they should when the
male population has to reach over its
head and away around to the back of the
neck to button its shirt. Talk about
spending thousands of dollars to find
the north pole; if half the money spent
in that way was offered as reward for
the detection of the man who invented
shirts that buttoned in the back, and he
could be turned loose among men who
have suffered for years by his devilish
continuance, it would be well expended.
For fourteen years the men of this coun-
try have been slaves to this absurd fash
ion, and more arms have beer cramped,
shoulders dislocated and backs bent than
would be believed by those Who have not
seen it. The spectacle of mild-man-
nered man, after getting into his shirt,
making a contortionist OF himself, an
acrobat, trying to get on the other
side of himself to button his shirt the
back way, is sad indeed. Statistics show
that the buttons On the back of shirt
always come off the second week, and in
place of the thin, oyster-shell button that
comes with the shirt, the housewife
always sews on a big drawers button,
four sizes larger than the button-hole,
and if he gets the button in the hole the
hole has to be ''bushed'' or washer
put on the button next time. Go through
our prisons, and you will find that the
criminals-the bad men-wear shirts
that button in the back. They have
been driven to a life of crime by letting
their tempers get the best of them while
searching blindly for button with one
hand and a button-hole with the other,
when their back was turned. They go
from home mad, and commit crime to
get even. The bare idea of having
shirts that open in front will give feel
ing of rest to tired, back-aching human
ity. To stand up to the glass and button
shirt and see what you are about will
be bliss indeed. The thought of a
generous slit in the bosom of a shirt,
where ones hand may wander, is
elysium. There are times-we say it
advisedly-there are times when the
best of us want to put hand inside a
shirt bosom, but with the old shirt that
buttons in the back man might as well
be in a burglar-proof safe, with the COM
bination lost, as to try to get in. With
the old shirt it would be Necessary to
hire hand. Aman' stomach has been
a sealed book for fifteen years, with the
old boiler-iron shirt bosom, with no port
holes. Occasionally mans heart aches,
and if he could put hand on it without
going around the back way and sneak
ing in under the arm he could tell by the
feeling whether it was unrequitted affec-
ton that allied him or rheumatism.
With the new shirt an exploring expedi-
ton can be sent to the seat of the disease
before it is everlastingly too late Men
have been wounded, and before they
could be turned over and the entrance
to their shirt found they have bled to
death. The old back-action shirt is a
fraud, and the new one is a daisy. 1t
may be said by some that the new OPEN
sesame shirt will show the world the
color of the undershirt. 1t might, if
one was going to use his shirt-bosom for
a pillow; but few do that. And even if
they did-that is the only way that the
world can know that man wears silk
undershirt with monogram on the
front. We hail the new open winter
shirt with delight, and are sure the pub
lie will when they once get their hands
in.-Peck's Sun.