Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1882-11-29

AT length perfectly natural thing came
abOut-after we had answered three or four
hundredfase alarms-tO wit, we stopped answer
ing them Yes. | simply rose up calmly when
slammed across the house by the alarm calmly
Inspected the annuncator, took note of the room
indicated, and then calmly disconnected that
room from the alarm. and went back to bed as
If nothing had happened. Moreover, l left that
room OIL permanently and did not send for the
expert. Well, It goes without saving. that in
the course of time all the rooms were taken off.
and the entire machinery was out of service.
ut was at this unprotected time that the
heaviest calamity Of all happened The burglars
walked in one night and carried off the burglar
alarm! yes, sir; every hide and hair Of it; ripped
1t out, tooth and tOe-nail; springs, bells, gongs
battery and all; they took hundred and fifty
miles of copper wire; they just cleaned her out,
bag and baggage, and never left US a vestige of
her to swear at-swear by, mean.
1--WE had time of it to get her back. but we
accomplished it finally for money. Then the
alarm firm said that what we needed now was
TO nave her put in right-with their new patent
springs in the windows to make false alarms
impossible. and their new patent clock attach
ment to take of and put on the alarm morning
and night without human assistance. That
seemed goodscheme. They promised to have
the whole thing finished in ten days They be-
gan work, and we left for the summer. They
worked couple Of days; then they left for the
summer After which the burglars moved in
returned in the fall the house was as empty as
Deer closet IN premises where painters have
been at work. We refurDished and then sent
down to hurry up the expert. He came up and
finished the job, and said: Now this clock is set
to put on the alarm every night at 10. and take
it off every morning at 5:45 All you've cot to
do Is to wind her up every week, and then leave
her alone-she will take care of the alarm her
SELF
after that we had most tranquil season
curing three months. The bill was prodigous,
OF course, and I had said would not pay it
until the new machinery had proved itself to be
HAWKES.. The time stipulated was three months
So paid the bill, and the very next day the
alarm went t. bnzzing like 10000 bee-swarms
at 10 o'clock in the morning / turned the
hands around twelve hours. according to in
structions, and this took off the alarm but
there was another hitch at night, and had to
set her ahead twelve hours once more to get her
to put the alarm on again. That sort of nom
sense went on q week or two; then the expert
came up and put in new clock. He came up
every three months during the next three years
and put in new clock. But it was always
failure. His clocks all had the same perverse
defect: They would put the ararm on in the
daytime, and they would not put it on at night;
and If you forced it on yourself, they would
take it off again the minute your back was
turned.
Now there is the history Of that burglar
alarm-everything just as it happened nothing
extenuated, and naught set down In malice.
Yes, sir; and when had slept nine years with
burglars, and maintained an expensive burglar
alarm the whole time for their protection, not
mine. and at my sole c0st-not for q DID cent
could ever get them to contribute Just said
to Mrs: McWilliams that I had enough Of that
kind of pie; 30 with her full consent / took the
whole thing out and traded it of for dog. and
snot the dog. / don't know what you think
about 1t, Mr.. Twain; but think thosethings are
made solely in the interests Of the burglars.
Yes, SIR. burglar alarm combines In it's person
all that IL Objectionable about IRE, riot and
harem, and at the same time has none Of the
compensatlng advantages, Of one sort or an
nation. Good-ty; / get Oh here"
30 saying, Mr. NcWllliams gathered up his
satchel and umbrella. and bowed himself ont Of