Connecticut western news., 1882-05-24
WIT AND WISDOM.

goes.
 WE DO love beauty at first sight, and we do cease to love it if it is not accom- panied by amiable qualities.
 IF you are so terribly nervous that every stupid thing you see frightens you, avoid the looking glass.
 WHICH is heavier, 8 half or full moon ?-The half, because the full moon is as light again2
 WHY are bells the most obedlent of inanimate things ?-Because they make noise whenever they are tolled (told).
 To CHANGE window glass to tin Leave the window open when it rains and 1t will beat in.
 WHAT is that word of five letters, of which, when you take two away, only one remains ?-Stone.
 IF man has good health it is unfair for him to ask the Lord to give him any thing else, because he ought to get 1t for himself.
 WHY are fowls the most economical creatures that farmer keeps P-Be- cause for every grain they eat they give peck.
 A GIRL, getting off train at Sara toga, was asked if she might be helped to alight, and she replied that she did not smoke.
 THE New York Journal of Commerce tg ,a ha oo1x onSpnoI that can be taught to sleep quietly on an empty stomach" The editor was very likely thinking of newspaper men.
 "WHAT becomes of all the pianos ?" asks writer. When they get too old and frail to be of any further service we believe they are cut down and made in to accordeons. York COnamerciGt.
 A CINCINNATI journalist remarks that for men to stand in front of churches when the ladies are coming out is small potatoes. As if there could be no small potato masher. .-Net0 York Herald
 "WHY is it that when we were lovers you got me box at the theatre and covered the front with bouquets, but now you buy two seats in the dress circle ?" He: "At that time your father paid for your bonnets."
 THERE are millions of pins used every hour and the wonder is what becomes of them. As we shiver over the stove to- day, we wish that one might have been arranged in the lap of spring before winter sat down on it.
 IF YOU see man with new rake on one shoulder, new hoe on the other, and spade under his arm, you may know he lives in the suburbs and is going into the work of raising his own onions at a cost of fifty cents apiece.
 "SPEAKINa of shad, would you say the price has gone up, or has risen P' inquired a schoolboy of the hshmon- ger. "Woll," replied the scale-scraper, "speaking of shad, should cay it had roes."
 A ooMPosIToR, in setting up the toast: Woman-without her, man would be a savage" got the punctuation in the wrong place, which made it read l: Woman, without her man, would be savage"
 "IT IS not necessary for @ man to be poor to be honest" Certainly not But it seems sort of half way necessary for a man to be poor if he is honest. A dis tinotion with quite difference, it will
 be seen.
 THE old adage, Honesty is the best ! policy" is very odd saying. If man
 IS really honest he don't care whether it is the best policy or not, and as for the } rest of the world, they don't believe that it is the best policy. ] CT DON'T care so much about the loss of my thumb, as a thumb," said the , grocer, whose horse had amputated the ! member, "but as Q source of profit l shall miss it. I've measured that thumb ! in the shape of beans, meal and mo lasses nigh onto a thousand times. We'll, my wife can't afford new parlor
 carpet this spring."
 A CHICAGO man visiting Cincinnati was being shown around by citizen. who said: "Now let's 30 and see the f. Widows Home." The Chicago man , put his finger to the side of his nose
 and winked, and then said: Not l much, won't. I saw widow home
 once, and she sued me for breach of l promise and proved it on me. No, sir; . send the widows home iu a hack" A FEW days ago Georgia politician went to Washington in search of an office. Deceived by the fattering prom ises held out to him, Ee telegraphed home: "Thiugs are working. Will be home in few days" Not long after
 ward he again telegraphed home. This D time the dispatch read as follows;
 "Things have worked. Send me $25 to
 get home."
 THE crow, according to the Naturalist, , is not much of singer, but is on the :, whole a valuable bird to the farmer. a Certainly. Without the depredations oi the crow the farmer could have no pos. v sible excuse for calling up his chore boy D at three o'clock in the morning, rigging . him up in fantastic costumes from the . garret and sending him forth to parade = the cornfeld as living, moving scare !, crow.-Neae HaUen Register. r. A WASHINGTON pension agent wat n almost paralyzed with astonishment, ths if other day, when he found veteran o' s the late WAT who had sustained per