Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-01-12
Barney in Trouble.
Toronto Canada Grip.
ERINGoBRAGH TERRACE,
ToRoNTo. December LIST. 1881.


1t has cured me, sur, ay the habit av
years, q habit acquired in me school
days which has grown wild me growth
and strengthened wild me strength, the
habit sur, of readin' the papers. An l
want to be afther tellin' thin vaga-
bonds av editors that they won't have a
chance to play off their practical jokes
on me any more, for the sorra a paper,
Grit or Tory, will I read for the mkt
six months, at Taste. It wasn't enough
for them to enter into conspiracy to
wane me from readin' their articles an
ayditorials, but they mustn't do it if yez
place, afther the Austrian dd 7lduseuna
| method of curing an inabriate. 1t was
St. Jacobs Oil here an st. Jacobs Oil
there, until the vision of that ovid
leech sitting there with his staff in wan
hand an his bottle av oil in the other,
haunted me thoughts be day an me
dhrames be night. As long as they
KEEP it in the advertisin' columns it
| didn't bother me at ali, but whin every
bit av a mans mental victuals is satur-
ated with wan thing, an that thing ST.
Jacobs Oil, fax, thin, it's a stronger
shtammach thin mine can shtand it.
Last week, sure. lights me pipe an
sits down afther me days work to
read that encyclopaedia av daily
news, the Globe, and was just regain
meself wild beautiful article entitled
"a National Blessing" 1t was two
columns long. an I had just got halt
way down the second column, whln
what should crap up but-St. Jacobs
Oil. To blazes wild yez, ye vile desaver,
says I, sthickin' the Globe into the stove
wholesale it's pretty pass Pm come
to whin Pm afther being wheedled into
wastin' three mortal quarthers av an
hour readin' durthy ovid advertise
ment agin me own will. An wild that
I sayzes me hat in great rage and tares
down to the Globe Office to tell thin to
sthap me paper there and thin. L
wasn't down a quarther of block whln
clang whit iviry fre-bell in the city ;
all the paple cum rushin' out av doors,
| an, lukin' back, what should l see but
me own chimbIey ablazin' like fury,
an great mob agatherin' round the
dure. Be time I gat back, there wor
three or four ingins playin' on me
house, an afore they got through it
was like nothin' else at all but Noah's
Ark Ill the middle av the deluge.
That shows the quantity av st. Jacobs
! Oil must av been in that Globe to be
afther kindin' up the chimbley like
that. Well, the very mkt day [ takes
up the paper and says [ to meself yez
won't fool me any more wild your
"National Blessings" an to protect
meself agin hein' chated again, [ begins
at the bottom av the page an tries to
read upwards, when after awhile l
comes up to the purtiest pictur, Cap
tain Boyton fioatin' on his back,
an he a'rigged up like q yacht in full
sail. Eusha now, SEE |, did yez ivir see
SIGH a beautiful invention I mustn't be
afther readin' all about it. So ] begins at
the top an comes down the first column
all right, but on the next column what
does Captain B. rub himself wild but
ST. Jacobs Oil Wisha! now the divil
rub the shkin off av yez, SCI I sure,
it's mighty hard up Misthur Gordon
Brown must be for something to sup
ply his customers wild whin he's takin'
to dosin' thin wild St. Jacobs Oil. An
| fur four days afther I darsn't look at
paper wild the corner av me left eve,
| for fear I'd see the name av that ovid
Banshee on the page. Well, on the
fifth day, was afther smokin' me pipe
in the corner, an thinkin' what de-
saver that Globe was, though to tell yez
| the truth. / was missin' it awful, whin
who should come in but Katie Malloy,
mischievous clip av girl, that's at
tendin' wan av our big schools in town
here. She had copy av the Hamil-
ton Averj1a' Times in her hand. Mis-
thur O'Hea," SEE she, wild shwate bit
av q smoile, edo yez know anything
about natural magic? Here's piece.
SEE she, nately openin' up the paper,
OTIS called 'Magic's Wonders, an it's
all about man, an how he could pull
snakes all over another mans arrum,
oh, my! Misthur O'Hea, the funniest
thing, ma said / ought to bring it to
| YOU" So widout thinkin' | takes the
paper, an sure enough 1t was all about
magic, an all that sortav thing. Wanst,
whin [ happened to lux up, noticed
that she stud wild the door knob in her
hand, an she had quare little shmirk
on her face, an could shware [ saw
Nora wink at her, but as they are al
ways up to some divitry [ paid no at
! tintion WHATEVER, at all, till av sudden
the cowld dhraps av sweat
broke out on me forehead, an
the mkt minute ] was flynn like
the wind out the back dure an down
the alleyway, after that shreechin'
| hoaxin' little clip that had cum all the
way from King street, for the fun av
sa'in' me read that two column adver-
tisement of st. Jacobs Oil.
Now Misther GRIP, ak yez solemnly,
don't yez think it's too bad for man
who pays for his paper in good faith,
to think he mustn't examine the head
an the tail an the middle an all
round the edges av an article afore
| settin' down to read it, in order to be
assured, that It's not a sugar-cOated ad-
vertisement he's studyin' all the time?
Bodad, a horrible fear has this mo-
ment come to me, that maybe, per-
haps some other victim of this vile
desate, will be afther thinkin' me own
letther is an advertisement. Don't yez
behave it, my dear reader, it's dead in
alrnest am about this desavin' bust
ness. In airnestl sure it's haunted [
am be day an be night wild the ghost
av them three words: ST. JACOBS
OIL; it holds me, sur, faster than the
glitterin' eye av the ancient mariner
held the man on the way to his moth
er-in-law's wedding; it stares at me
from iviry fnce an deadWall; it grins
at me from iviry druggists window; it
is in iviry column av iviry paper /
pick up; they've all got it! GRIP has
got it, the air is rife wild it, and it's
crazy it's drivin' mel Och Militia Muir
/ IL Il L L u