The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1882-07-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

DOStOu EaS 10 giTiS W ~ diO ctuof iiiS
Latin to help some future husband to
spin out a salary of S15 per week.
A New Haven burglar tried to rob a
plumber, but the plumber it was who
robbed the burglar even Of his clothes.
New England people might as well
get ready for a fall campaign against
cider. It's going to be plenty and
cheap.
'sAnanias, Jr.;'' How can you learn
to be a irst-class liarP Get engaged to
two girls and the faculty viii sort o
come to you.
The most sensible people of the coun-
try live at Lansing, Mich. A butcher
shop in the place bears the sign, "Closed
till meat gets cheaper"
A somnambulist fell from third story
window in Pennsylvania town, and
was not awakened, but she was buried
the next day.
One of the editors of the Atlanta
Drummer has resigned to go into the
crockery business. He is now where he
can ''dish it up'' heavy.
1t is estimated that there are 30,000,-
600 umbrellas in this country, but the
great trouble is to find the chap who has
gobbled them up.
Archibald Forbes is to marry again.
He possesses all the good qualities to
make good war correspondent-pluck
and an adventurous spirit.
Papa: "'Pon my word, II think I
shall have the heartburn" Little daugh-
ter: ''Shall l fetch it for you, papa. Is
it in the cupboard?"
The trouble is not with the colleges,
but with the fathers who unthinkingly
spoil good ruffian in trying to educate
him for gentleman.
A western editor received aletterfrom
a subscriber asking him to publish a
cure for apple tree worms. He replied
that he could not suggest azure until he
knew what allied the worms.
Lolita writes to friend that she is no
longer young, and so has decided to play
only sixty years more, after which she
will retire and leave the field to Maggie
Mitchell
A bald-headed professor reproving a
youth for the exercises of the fist: 1--WE
The youth reflected moment and then
replied: ''Ah, see, and you have but
ted all your hair off,
'If you are not careful" said one
member of a debating society to anoth-
er, Il shall give you piece of my
mind ''Then," was the reply, Il will
be careful, for you certainly have no
mind to spare"
AS he waited for prescription, the
druggist said to him: THAT is my son,
sir, sitting by you; don't you think he
looks ike me?" ''Well, yes" replied
the customer, II think / can see some
of your liniments in his face"
yes" said the lady, II like to have
handsome cook. You see, my hus-
bands business keeps him out late at
night and there'd be no man in the
house if the cook didn't have police
man visiting her."
Our little Caddie, years old, was &C
cused by her mother of having lost her
memory, and the child looked bewilder-
ed for moment. and then light seemed
to dawn upon her, for she exclaimed:
Il dess l know what memory is. It's
the ting L fordet WY"
The Rev. Mr.. Jones had in his dining
room stuffed owl which looked as full
of pompous wisdom as if it had been
alive. His bishop coming to dinner one
day, he called his young son to intro
duce him to the dignitary. "Bishop
Smith," said the father, '.this is my
youngest boy Bishop Smith, cried
the boy; 'ho! that's what you call the
| stuffed owl in the dinino-room.
A lawyer once said to a countryman
in smoek frock who was undergoing
his examination in the witness box,
You in a smock frock, how are you
paid for lying?" LESS than you are,
unfortunately" was the reply, 'sor you
would be III a smock frock, too
Apropos of recent acquittal, an old
friend of ours recalls Lachaud's famous
mot. The most successful criminal law
yer of his time, he had just obtained the
release of q client. Your innocence is
! acknowledged" he said to his client; II
| congratulate you; but, take my advice,
you had better not do it againn'
"And so you love June better than
any other month"; she said, gazing at
the young farmer. from the blue abysses
| of her soft, dreamy eyes. Beautiful,
leafy June, with its roses, and its song
birds, and its fragrance-laden zephyrsP'
Yes he replied, nonchalantly. .'It's
the best month to wean calves"
A celebrated musician once said of a
beautiful but apathetic singer: "She
sings well, but she wants something, and
in that something everything. If I
were single | would court her; / would
marry her; / would break her heart;
and in six months she would be the
greatest singer in Europe.
"She's dear, good girl" said St.
Louis young man in reference to Chi
cago fair one; Il assure You, father, she
is all soul.' YES" replied his stern
parent, the old prejudice against the
Garden City embittering his words; Il
saw her footprint in the sand by the
lake side. You are right, she is all
sole.n
Said Brown, who had just returned
from visit outside between the acts,
''Oh, darling, had such fright! 1t
almost took my breath awaym ..Mer-
cy.' exclaimed Mrs. B., turning her face
away; II wish it had, John" And
John looked sheepish enough, as he
shyly inserted Glove in his mouth.
A Methodist clergyman named Way,
OF rather jocular nature and very ca
daverous bnild, was recently accosted
by man, with the inquiry: care you
Pastor Way?" Passed awayr' was
the response; 'bless you, no! I'm a
good deal of a skeleton, I'll own, but l
haven't quite passed away YETI
A bald-headed man who purchased a
front seat for a show OF the Black Crook
brand explained that he could not hear
very well. A few nights later he was
seen at lecture, sitting on seat farth-
est from the stage. OF co0,S.trse he might
have fully recovar,ad biS boo,.;,,, .1~aa
days, but such apparent incor yruities
are apt TO occasion remark
Stories are common enough of need
les travelling about in peoples bodies
and making their appearance in very
odd places. But the most remarkable