The daily gazette., 1882-05-03
A sHAKv xARN.
The Terrible Agus ArIxanans People
Sometimes suffer From.
rTltfla Rock g.,atta

/ The Terrible Ague ArkanRns People
Sometimes suffer From.
[Little Rock Gazette.l
"Speal1in' bout the Arkansaw ager,"
said the man with the sandy goatee and
squint eyes as he leaned back in his chair,
''thats whar you saw my heartstFings, in
ease I've got any left to saw on. Gentlemen,
gaze on me-"
The crowd gazed.
"When / moved down into ArkanBaW
from Tennessee risin' Of 10 y'ars ago / was
purty-l was, for q fact. had q dozen
skulemarms in love with me TO once, and
hang me up If every gal I'm the ball room
wouldn't break her neck for the honor Of
dancin' with me Yes, / was purity, and
was good. ! was so purity that children
cried for me, and 80 good that was taken
for preacher on mOre'n a hundred occa-
shuns. Whar has my purity Comet Why,
pve got to be the infernalist alligator in the
hull swamp, and / am CROWN meaner at
the rate of a mile a day Fact-solemn
fact, and that cantankerous ager is TO blame
for the hull fit. I've got squint to my
eyes, my nose has bin driven back an inch,
and what teeth I've got left have to be
wedged in every Sunday with pine pegs or
I'd swallow 'em. Purity Why, the sight
of my phiz down in St. Louis killed Texas
steer dead'rn door nail, and l was trying
TO look handsome at that %
"You said you had the ague."
"Said SO Do you 'spose all the other
ealamities In this hull kentry could have
busted me up in this wayi You bet had
Ter / struggled with 'er right along for
'leven straight vars without let up. Gen
tlemen, let me harrer your souls with a few
timely remarks. Your Michigan ager is a
grasshopper, and one dose of kyneen knocks
Ter dead. Out In Illinoy the ager is bigger
about like q squirril. In Missouri she's
about the size Of q woodchuck, and when
she strikes down into Arkansaw she's wolf
three feet high, seven feet long, and built to
take hold like Il thousand buzz-saws. Great
slams but what tussles rve had with that
ere critter Say, did ye ever ride in one
hoss wagin over a stone quarryl Was We
ever seated on the top rail Of a fence when
hurricane moved 1t at the rate of six miles
a minniti Did ye ever have cyclone pick
ye up and mop ye over 40 acres Of river bot
tom, wallop ye through ten acres of woods
and use ye for tool to knock down hun
dred acres of canebrake Well, that amt
the ager-not the Arkansaw kind it's only
the first faint preliminaries.
He stopped to relight his cigar, and then
continued
81 hain't long to live, and don't keer to
stretch this thing any. Tellin' the truth has
allus Din my strong pint, ana allus Will be.
Maybe yen get some idea of the Arkansaw
ager when / tell ye that / once un-
jinted both shoulders in shakin', and 1t
was light shake at that. When had on
my reg lar double-action shakes could jar
a jug of whisky out of the crutch of tree
% rods off. Nobody dast pile up
cord-wood within half mile of my cabin,
and that's a solemn fact. / devoured ky
neen just as you eat corn beef, and my hull
system finally got so bitter that a dog who
smelt my leg couldn't get the pucker out of
his mouth inside of ten days. Gentlemen,
do not wish to prolong this agony My
failin' is grub. Fust know Pll jump the
ager and begin on Arkansaw skeeters, and
when get there I'd harrer your souls till ye
couldn't sleep fur two weeks. We will now
have some Ticker, and l will seek few
needed reposes."