Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1882-05-29
LIKE THE LAST.

Jane" he said, 81 think if you lifted
your feet from the fire we might have some
heat in the ROOM" And they had not been
married long.
Philadelphia youth begged West
End belle to give him something he could
wear next his heart. She sent him a red
flannel chest protector.
I'll make you dance" cried an irate
mother, pursuing her erring son, slipper in
hand. Then" remarked the Juvenile,
1--WE shall have bawl"
They were at dinRer party, and he re-
marked that he supposed she was fond of
ethnology. She said she was, bu t she was
not very well, and the doctor had told her
not to eat anything for dessert but oranges.
Teacher" How does the earth absorb
water :" Pupil" Like dog" Teacher
=" How do you make that out 81 Pupil
"Don't we read OF the lap of the earth ?"
Teacher-"Ge up another grade. ."-TCin.
cinnati Saturday Night.
Whenever you desire to borrow money
get shaved, don your Sunday clothes, see
your objective creditor after he has been to
dinner, be affable, but rather Indifferent as
to whether he obliges you or not, and you
will be pretty apt to succeed.
"How do 1 manage to rid myself of
bores?" said woman of the world
"Nothing is easier. When l want to
send a man away, talk to him about my
self. When l want him to stay indefi.
nitely, talk about himself. -
No tidings have been received from Stan
ley, the explorer, for two years. 1t
is rumored that he did not go to Africa,
but that he joined the New York police
force and has gone to sleep on his beat.
[Williamsport Breakfast Table.
A large mouth may be very convenient
when it comes to race against time in dis
posing of dinner, but it must make its
owner uncomfortable when it involuntarily
yawns at place of amusement and some
one calls out, "Shrt that door -
Ella, is your father at home ?" said q
bashful lover to his sweetheart. II want
to propose something to him." "No,
Clarence, papa is not at home, but l am.
Couldn't you propose to me just as well ~
And he did with perfect success.
Toddlekins is a very small man, indeed,
but he said he never minded it until his
three boys grew to be tall, strapping young
fellows and his wife began to cut down
their old clothes and make them over to
fit him; and then he did get mad.
A pine tree uprooted by recent inun-
dation in Outais, Finland, was found to
have l,029 annual rings. We saw lady
in horse-car the other day with about
the same number of rings but she was
probably not nearly so old as the tree.
4
wife, and a young Miss of 6 years who came
to her funeral said to his daughter of about
the same age: Your papa will marry
again, won't hep "Oh, yes," was the
reply, "but not till after the funeral.
Luminous First swell-I never did like
"May," not nearly SO pretty at "Mary !"
wonder they don't change the name of the
month to Mary" Second swell-Clevaw
ideaw, by Jove Make awystaws good to
June, you know.
A young man in Iowa recently received
severe thrashing for interfering in fam
lily quarrel between John Goodenough
and his wife. The unsophisticated youth
will probably adopt the time honored
maxim, and I" let good enough alone in
the FUTURE Yonkers Statesman.
Because farmer shot a drunken, fight
ing hummer in Chicago, crowd of Chica-
geese wanted to lynch the shooter. Not
that they cared for the hummer personally,
but the farmer by his act had reduced that
dear census by one, and 80 given aid and
comfort to st. Louis Boston Post.
A New York man went into a crowded
car and asked if he could have the
seat which was then occupied by hat,
whose owner was sitting in the next seat.
The man angrily grasping his hat answered
Yes, take it, if you're hog" "Pm so
near one, that l guess I'll take it, said the
other.-[S Salt Lake Tribune.
The devil or Mrs. Malaprop appears to
have edited the edition of the Philadel-
phia Press ON the 2Sth. In it we read of
the Duke of Palmer, by which we infer
Parma is meant, a city celebrated for the
loud smell of its cheeses, which can be
heard for considerable distance. Also we
find Socrates, Bacon, Shakespeare and
Plato ranked together. We hazard the
suggestion that Pluto was meant, but we
can't pretend to reason on probabilities in
the case of a Philadelphia newspaper
Washington Post.
Naturalist tell us that the sting.ray,
star.fsh, prawns, boring Wrinkle and
gryphea are the deadliest enemies of the
oyster. That's all the naturalists know
about it. The worst enemy the oyster has
is the spirituelle woman of lS7 pounds
when she declares, after the theater, that
she cannot eat single morsel, oh, in.
deed, no. Well, If she must, then you
may bring her very small bit OF cracker
and Just one tiny oyster. When the
oyster ceases to exist and joins the in-
Vulnerable caravan, that's where it will be
gone to- Burlington Hawkeye.