River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-04-20
IL A NUTSHELL.

mo, shall leave my wife nothing,
said old Cribs; "she's always had hel
will, and I'll have NINE"
"Six Girls" is the title of the latest
| novel. 1t is expected that sequel en-
titled "Our Broken Gate" will be issued
soon.
The man who leaves dirty water in
the wash basin gets much shorter
pair of wings than any of the Other
angels.
Just as though this country had not
been punished enough already, later
infiction, the banged hair young man
is running at large.
Counsel for prisoner-"Did you see
| the prisoner at the bar knock down the
deceased ?" Pat-"No. yir honor; he
was alive when I see him knocked
| down."
A retired pugilist, who disproves Of
the brutality of the modern prize-fght
has taken up his residence in Lawrence
because they have Pacific mills there
A French waiter recently charged
two American travellers 81 80 for half a
dozen boiled eggs; not because eggs
| We're scarce, but because Americans
were.
| "The Unseen Hand" is the title of a
new book. Probably the other man
didn't have anything better than pair
of trays and didn't dare to cali.
The Louisville Co,wier-Jouy7aal repre-
SCENTS the ghost of Hamlet's father as
very much astonished at finding, when
he saw Anna Dickinson, that his boy
was a girl.
A man out in Peoria advertises what
he calls "the medicine for the future"
lift is cooling drink, it will sell well to
the majority of the people.
A Philadelphia coal dealer recently
received from prominent shoddyite,
who had been to Europe, an order for
five tons of coal delivered la cart.
Why was Jobs wife turned into pill
lar of salt ?-Jan,eStow Leader. There
were, probably, a Lot of reasons; but
when did you get Revised Old Tesla
ment ?-Eleoated Raihcay Journal.
Oh, yes, there is such thing as an
exhausted receiver, but this phrase
does not refer to the receiver of de-
funct savings bank or insurance COM
pany. You have been misinformed,
my child.
During a dearth of news in West
ern newspaper office, the office cat was
damned into the job pcess, and the ed
itor Immediately set up the following
head lines: dreadful Accident-Nine
Lives lost"
A Peoria woman missed her husband
for three weeks before she raised any
row about it, and she might net have
said anything then if his boots had not
been drawn up i'll the well bucket.
"The hills of lofty endeavor and high
achievement lie all around u.s." And so
do some of our brethren of the press
when they get on the subject of their
circulation.
A lawyer once said to q countrymsn
in smock- frock, who was undergoing
his examination in the witness box.
on in smock-frock, how are you
paid for lying?" LESS than you are,
unfortunately" was the reply, cor you
would be in a smock-frock too"
II dunno heap bout poultry, said
old Uncle Pete when they were discus
sing the question of the day up at the
ever eat was drawn. 1t was drawn fru
de winder of chicken-house in de dark
of de moon"
A man employed as a porter in a
Texas hotel lifted q piano pot long ago,
and carried it up one flight. He got
hold of it in the darkness, by mistake,
thinking he was carrying the trunk of
Boston drummer.
A little fellow on Arapahoe street, be-
ing ask ed by his good Episcopal mother
what pleasure he felt like giving up
during Lent, said he guessed he would
stay away from school.
There is an article going the rounds
headed "Who Kissed Away That
Tear?" Well, we suppose it is as we'll to
own up first as last. 1t is a mighty
mean man that wont kiss away tear.
Picks San.
Mrs. Langtry has heard of the mock
cry attending the reception of Mr.. Os-
~
dread when she thinks ofappearing be-
fore the American people. She need
not fear. She is not grotesque.
ga Philadelphia firm few days ago
drew their check for So, 767, 1878" 1t
is supposed the parties publish news
paper and wished to pay their editors
two weeks back salary. They must
have cut down their forces since last
pay day.
Two car loads of scrap iron, loaded at
Peoria, H., were found to consist en-
tirely of things stolen from the railroad
company over whose line the audacious
thieves proposed to ship it to maket.
- Erchdnge 1t was RI her ironical.
Gen. Grant has absolutely no vanity
in the matter of dress. A stranger,
who was waiting with several others to
see him in the corridor outside his
business office in Wall street, asked a
colored porter how he should recog-
nize the General when he came in.
"Jess yo' watch out fo' de fust gemman
dat look as eff ne nebber had his clos
brushed, and OATS him." was the re-
ply.
In China man who makes or sells
adulterated food is imprisoned or hang
ed. In this country it is the man who
buys the adulterated food who has to
suffer. The other fellow acquires five
inches of fat on his ribs, and is elected
to positions of honor and trust. The
Chinese must go. Some of their GUS
| toms are subversive of our most cher
ished institutions.
The Rochester Chronicle cannot re-
m ember an instance where woman
ever slept during church service. Let
man set himself to criticising every
bonnet in the building, and what time
| would he have for sleep.
"Its very curious, James," said a
fond mother to her son, show the
knees of your pants could be worn
threadbare in two weeks" James al
ways made it a point to avoid telling
his parents lie whenever he got a