Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1882-02-09
Is Life Worth Living ?

! Professor Artechoke Higgins recently
delivered his celebrated lecture on cam
Life Wuth de Libin' Fur?" before the
Limekiln Club. After slipping a troche
into his mouth he bowed impressively
and began:
My friends. it pleases me exceed
ingly to behold SIGH vast sea of intel
lectual faces befo' me. Sensation. |
kin almost emagine myself lookin' down
de aisles of de Senate Chamber of de
United States. More sensation. De
question: Am Life Wuth Libin' Fur?'
has often been axed, an l believe that
several parties besides me have put de
same query from de rostrum. Cheers
by Samuel Shin, who had no idea what
the word rostrum meant. But [ claim
to be de only pusson in dis kentry who
takes de negativ' side of dis nomenchus
inquiry. In de fust place we am BON.
De fust var of our life am spent in cryin'
wild pain and sorrow. We see ghosts.
We have bad dreams. We am seized
by de collie. Our froats am tunnels
down which dey pour soothin' syrup,
paregoric, sweet milk am what not, am
we wish we was dead. [Sobs by Pickles
Smith, who lately lost his grandfather
What comfort does any boy or gal take
up to de aige of fifteen y'arsP Not bit.
De boys git licked an de gals git spank
ed, an dey fall down stairs, have de
chicken-pox, git boxed up wild de
mumps, an have to war clothes WHICH
have bin cut ober an dyed. Sensation
by Giveadam Jones as he recalled old
recollections.
"From de aige of fifteen to twenty"
continued the orator, after pulling down
his vest, ''life am full of love and jeal-
ousy, an bad fittin' coats, an gwine to
funerals. an stayin' home from circuses.
Jist as a young man gifts to thinkin' dat
he am happy he diskivers dat his sleeve
buttons am fifteen seconds behind de
style, or dat his butes am de hundredth
part of an inch too long, or dat his coat
wrinkles in de back. Groans from
Trustee Pullback, who remembered
when he was learning the BARRIERS trade
in Richmond.
s'From twenty to thirty we get
mar'd," continued the Professor, as q
sad smile crossed his face. eve love
an court an hire libery rigs an buy
candy and marry. What am de result?
TGroans from all over the hall. We
have to pay house rent, an buy wood,
an go to meetin', an git trusted fur
groceries, an put up wild kicks an cuffs
an howlin' babies an q hull doahyard
full of miseries. Longdrawn signs
from eighty-four members
ssDen we grow old, an we take snuff
an smoke clay pipes an spit on de
ca'pet an jaw de chill'en, and finally
die Tears from Waydown Bebee
OATS life an its eand. Whar's de COM
fort? What have we foun' with libin'
fur? How much better If we had bin
trees, or fence-posts, or picket-fences!
Life am mad struggle. [Sighs. We
come up like suntiower an am cut
deown. Faint groans.] day we
may win de big turkey at de raffie-to-
morrow we may have to pawn our ober-
coat to keep de stove gwine. ESignifi-
cant winks and mods.
my friends, thankin' you fur your
airnest an inexplicable attenshun, an
trustin' dat my feeble remarks will be
productive of oberwhelmin' profit, / re-
turn you my heartfelt sympathies an
resoom my seat.''
For half minute there was deep 81
lence Then Pickles Smith stood up
and waved the WATERFALL around his
head, and the enthusiasm broke forth
and lasted so long that six policemen
gathered on the corner and barrel of
beans was upset in the grocery below
Detroit Free Press.