Barbour County index., 1882-05-04
DAMON AND PYTHIAS.
True Story of Difficulties on Account
OF Their Mutual Mash.


of Their Mutual Mash.
Bill NYe's B.omerang
The romantic story of Damon and
Pythias, which has been celebrated in
verse and song for over 1000 years, is
supposed to have originated during
the reign of Dionysius L, or Dionysius,
the elder. as he was called, who
reigned 800 years B. G. He must have
been called 1.-THE elder" more for a joke
than anything else, as he was by in
clination Unitarian, although he was
never member of any church what
ever, and was, in fact, the wickedest
man in all Syracuse.
Dionysius arose to the throne from
the ranks, and used to call himself
self-made man. He was tyrannical,
severe and selfish, as all self-made men
are very prone to usurp the peroga-
tives of the Almighty, and overwork
themselves. They are not satisfied
with the position of division superin-
tendent of creation, but they want to
be the most worthy grand high muck
muck of the entire ranch, or their
lives are gloomy fzzles.
DiOnysius was indeed so OdiOus, and
so overbearing to his subjects, that he
lived in constant fear of assassination
at their hands, This fear robbed him
of his rest and rendered his life a
dreary waste to the tyrannic5l king.
He lived in constant dread that each
previous moment would be followed
oy succeeding one. He would eat a
hearty supper and retire to rest. but
the night would be cursed with horrid
dreams of the Scythians and White
River Utes peeling off his epidermis
and throwing him into boiling
cauldron with red pepper and other
counter irritants, while they danced
the highland fling around his royal
barbecue.
Even his own wife and children
were forbidden to enter his presence,
for fear that they would put "barn
arsenic" in the blanc mango, or 'cos-
grove arsenic" in the pancake, or Paris
green in the pie.
During his reign he had constructed
an immense subterranean cavernOus
arrangement called the ear of Dionysius,
because it resembled in shape and gen.
eral telephone power, the human ear.
1t was the largest ear on record. One
day workman expressed the desire to
erect similar ear of tin or galvanized
iron on old Di himself. Some one
"blowed on him." and the next morn
ing his head was humping about in
the waste paper basket at the general
Office.
When one of the kings subjects, who
thought he was solid with the admins
tration, would say: Beyond the pos
sibility of doubt, your most serene
highness is the king and loving guar.
dian of his people and the idol of his
Subjects" his royal highness would
say:
"Wha' ye given us? Do you wish
to play the most sublime overseer of
the universe and general plenipoten-
tiary for Chinaman? Ha! You can
not fill up the king of Syracuse with
taffy."
Then he would order the chief exc
cutioner to run man through the
royal sausage grinder and throw him
into the Mediterranean. In this way
the sausage grinder was kept running
night and day, and the chief engineer
who run the machine made double time
every month.
1 will now bring in Damon and
Pythias.
Damon and Pythias was named after
popular secret organization because
they were so solid on each other. They
thought more of each other than any
body. They borrowed chewing tobacco,
and were always sociable and pleasant.
They slept together, and unitedly ''stood
off" the landlady from month to month
in the most cheerful and harmonious
magner. If Pythias snored in the
night like blast of fog horn, Damon
did not get mad and kick him in the
stomach as some would. He gently,
but firmly, took him by the nose and
lifted him up and down to the merry
rhythm of "The Babies in Our Block" I"
They loved each other in season and
out of season. Their affection was like
the soft bloom on the nose of Wyon-
ing legislator. 1t never grew pale or
wilted. 1t was always there. If
Damon was at the bat, Pythias was on
deck. If Damon went to church and
invited starvation, Pythias would 90,
teo, and would vote on the handsomest
baby until the first National bank of
Syracuse would refuse to honor his
checks.
Bat one day Damon got too much
bulge and told the venerable and CO
lossal old royal hummer of Syria.
cuse what he thought of him. Then
Dionysius told the chief engineer OF
the sausage-grinder to turn on steam
and prepare for business. But Damon
thought of Pythias, and how Pythias
hadn't so much to live for as he had,
and he made compromise by Offering
to put Pythias to soak while the only
genuine Damon went to see his girl
who lived in Albany. Three days were
given him to get around and redeem
Pythias, and if he failed, his friend
would go to protest.
We will now suppose three days to