The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-08-02
CoMic COMMENTS.


was six-button kid Hartford Times.
Philosophy: Sophronia- =" What Is phil
osophys" 1t is something that enablesa rich
man to say there is no disgrace in being
poor. - Someroiale Journal
Natural history Listen, Auntie, what's
that ?" It's the cuckoo, darling. Don'tyou
know the cuckoo9" "oh, yes Thecuckoo's
that horrid bird that doesn't lay its own
eggsl"-- London Punch.
--Heartless "But," continued Mrs. F.,
there is reason in all things, you know"
Excepting, of course, most of the things
you say" replied Fogg, the hard-hearted
monster. - Boston Traascript.
Sporting item "Confound it, you've
shot the dog I thought you told me you
could hold gum Pat-sSure and SO 1
can, your honor. It's the shot, SUR,
couldn't howld!"--Neo York Post.
Strange: II met Mr.. Miggles to-day"
remarked Mrs. Chippick. He's quite
changed man. hardly knew him, he's so
clipper and lively" Indeed" responded
her husband gravely i" How very strange
read in the paper that his wife sailed for
Europe last week. - Brooklyn Eagle,
Catches the eye: "a loft to lett" is
painted on board suspended on the door of
Gold street store. "why don't you spell
those words properly p q customer asked
the proprietor. because if we did no one
would turn to read them. That extra 1T"
catches the eye."-Neao York Nail and Er-
press.
"A nice landlord: "Lool here,n said an
indignant Austin tenant to his landlord,
there is cat in the cistern of that house
you rented to men Ills it dead2n "Itlooks
like it, Then 1t viii not disturb you any
at night, SO will have to raise your rent
five dollars on that account 7erds ,Sify-
iags
brilliant smile: Michaels wife was
leaning over the bank of the canal washing
some clothes A boatman on tho towpath
observing her said; mike, aren't you afraid
Mrs Mullaney viii fall in and get drowned?n
.'Diyii hi. y responded har hnahand, q sha
can swim loike a tailor's goose Bookly1
Eagle.
Hit him sockdolager: "Mercyi how
the wind blowsi" exclaimed Mrs. Fender.
son. "Did you ever know the wind when
it didn't blow 2" asked Henderson contempt
uously very true" replied Mrs. T.. "and
some people do good deal of blowing with
out ever being able to raise tho wind.n--
Boston Transcript
She takes a walk. Two ladies exchane-
ing notes on the method in which they spend
the day. You see, always get up at 10
and ring for my maid and get dressed"
How long does that take2" "Oh, ever so
long. You see, the girl takes full hour to
do my hair" "a full hour? Mercy What
do you do while she ID fixing it?o "I 20 out
in the garden and take my morning walJ..'
From tile French. ~
Mission progress A Montreal paper
mixed up an account of mission progress in
Africa and a receipt TO make tomato catsup,
viz. "They (the missionaries) are accus-
toned to begin their work by buying heath
en- children md educating them. The easiest
and best way to prepare them is to first wipe
them with a clean towel, then place them il
dripping-pans and bake them till they are
tender" --Bostos Transcript.
SLIGHTLY dead: We de undersigned bein'
o coroners Jury to set on de body of Sambo,
now dead and gone afore, hab been sittin'
on de said Niger aforesaid, and find dat de
some did On de IL day of Jinerwary come to
death by fallin' from de bridge ober de riber
and broken his neck whar we find he was
subsequently drowned and afterwards wash
cd to de riber side whar we supposed he was
froze to death.-Souttern Light and Shade.
AT the grocery: They were speaking
about cranial deformities down at the corner
grocery last evening 81 hold" said fly
young man, that man with big head is
just as apt to be darned fool as aman with
small head" "True," replied an elderly
man who was holding down the cover to
sugar barrel, "but he ginerally knows ii and
don't give himself away" The young man
ordered small bottle of spruce beer. --Nec
Haoen Register. sa
Doesn't complain: A man who had been
carried toa Philadelphia hospital while suffer
was asked if he had been treated kindly while
there. Considering all things" he an
swered, ~ think have no right to COM
plain. They amputatsd both of my feet, re-
moved my collar-bone, cut off my right arm,
trepanned me, took out piece of the under
jaw, sawed my left hip-bone in two, and
were about tn excayate five or six ribs when
fire broke out in the establishment and the
police got away with the rest of my body in
safety. -Brooklyn Eagle. t
---Arithmetcal, brand new: Julia has 8
beaux and Emily has 3, while the old maid
next door has none. How many beaux in
all, and how many would DO left if they
should give the old maid half the crowd9 A
man pays thirty cents for three pounds OF
evaporated apples and gets $l4 newspaper
puff for sending them to an orphan asylum
Does he gain or lose, and how much3 A.
has an overcoat fer which he paid $ls, and
his wife trades it off for two red-clay husts
of Andrew Jackson worth thirty cents each.
How much money will she get from her
husband to buy fall bonnet a---Detr0H
Free Press. e ~
--"Ahir said an old Highland piper.
as he was describing to his comrades at
home his recent experience in Edinburgh,
All there was ae mich I'll meier forget.
There were eighteen pipers beside me in
Mrs. Grass's wee back parlor in the Cow
gate, an we were a. playin' at the same
time, an playin' different tunes, an |
jist thocht was floatin' in heaven"
->.--~Sr-~.~4----
See reading matter in fifth column ON