Daily Republican. [volume] ([Wilmington, Del.]) 1874-1890, 1882-03-23


One afternoon a stranger observing a
crowd of people entering a church APP
preached a man Of gloomy aspect who
was standing near the entrance and
asked:
"Is this funeral"
"Funeral! no, was the sepulchral an
swer, "it's a wedding"
"E xcuse me-" added the stranger,
"but | thought from your serious
look that you might be a hired mourn.
er."
"No," returned the man, with a
weary far-otf look in his eyes; 81
am son in law to the brides moth.
err"
A traveller tells story aNout his
stopping at hotel in New Y rk one
night, and being kept awake by man
pacing the floor in the room above. Oc-
casionally he would hear moan of
anguish and at last he went up, like a
good Samaritan, to see if he could re-
lieve the sufferer. "My friend" said
the traveller, gazing sympathetically at
the face of the stranger, what can
do for you? Are you i'll ." "No."
"What ails you then ?" 81 have a
note for ten thousand dollars due to-
morrow, and haven't nickel to pay it
with. ooh, pshaw ~ said the traveller.
Go to bed and lot the other fellow do
The walking"
"What did you do with that letter
that was on my table % asked Gus De
Smith Of the colored boy who cleans
up his room. 81 tuck it to the post
office, sab, and put it III the hole"
"What did you do that for ? Did you
not zee there was no address on the en-
velope % 81 saw dar was no writin'
on de 'velope, hut lowed yer did dat
ar on purpose, so couldn't tel, who ye
waS wrtin to. Use an edicated mig
ger, is"
A lady interested in charitable
cause waits upon a millionaire and
vainly endeavors to obtain n subscrip-
ton from him. "What SIR" she at
last exclaims, Indignantly, with your
immense fortune you refuse me pal
try donation for" 'Ah, madame,
if we poor rich people were 80 consti.
tuted by nature that we enjoyed giving
away, you see it would be 700 much
happiness for mortal man to enjoy"
A Charming Woman, who is a bit
close about money, without a. all sus-
peoting herself of thai fault, received
the New Years greeting of her daugh.
ter. "Ah, my darling" said she,
"whsn you look for your gifts you will
find l have not forgotten you, "
"Dear mamma" eyes, last year, you
know, | gave you TIE lovely gown you
wanted so much; this year, you shall
have money to pay for it,"
A Young Nobleman in a frightful
railway accident missed his valet.
One Of the guards came up to hin, and
sai "My Lord, we have found your
servant, but he is cut in two" cav
is he?" said the young man, with a
Dundreary dravl, but with trace of
anxiety depicted on his countenanee,
"Will you be good enough to SEQ in
which half he has got the key of my
carpet bag"
A Boy who had always refused to
eat oatmeal, in spite of his mother =
urgings that it was strengthening
diet, suddenly surprised her oue morn
ing by eating a liberal platetul aud
calling for more. Upon his mother
asking for an explanation, he replied;
81 am bound to eat oatmeal till | am
strong enough to whip Johnny Scott
George II. ing informed that an
impudent printer was to be punished
for having published a spurious kings
speech, replied: 81 hope the mans
punishment may be of the mldest
sort, because l have read both and as
far az | can understand either OF them,
like the spurious speech better than
my own
A Hungry Lawyer, who was dining
at hotel, shoveed the food into his
mouth with bis knife, till he accidently
cut his mouth, which was observed by
a wag seated opposite VINO bawleG out ::
81 say Mister, don't cut that hoe in
shall all starve."
A south end man advertised for the
meanest dog in the city. His idea was
that people are 30 fond of their own
dogs that they wouldn't bring single
animal to him. But he lost his bet.
Thousands called, each bringing his
neigh boris dog.
"Mademoiselle, said witty and
gallant septuagenarian the other day,
making his demand for the hand of d
young lady still N her teens.
II am 70 and you are II. Will you
do me the honor of being my widow
TIT BITS.
A professor of French in an Albany
school recently asked pupil what was
the gender of academy. The unu sually
bright pupil responded that 1t depended
on whether it was male or female
academy.
A fashion item says that oval Decks
are more fashionable than pompadour.
squares. This fashion should be en-
Girls born with square
necks don't look as well as those whose
necks are oval.
A herd of sheep has been driven from
Territory to Nebraska, the
Journey occupying two years. BY the
time they get to Boston they will be
first class spring sheer.
During the ninth waltz, Oscar, point
ing to his boots, remarked to Felici ma:
'You can't say have no polish" "No,"
said she, but you shine at the wrong
md"
The Judge, severely: "Prisoner, you
lave already been convicted wo,5imes.'
-. 81 Al