Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1882-11-09

Look to thyself and take care of thyself
For nobody cares for thee"
so L turned TO myself and l answered myself
In the self same rev veris
Look to thyself or not to thyself
The self-same thing it will be-
An Irish gentleman writes us to say
that mot half the lies told about the
Irish are true"
"Well, wife, you can't say ever con-
tracted bad habits" "No, sir. You
generally expand them
If man begins life by being first
lieutenant in his family, he needn't
look for any further promotion.
A little boy in Georgia who wrote to
Santa Claus for 81 pony, was wise
enough to add: "Poscrit If he is a
mule, pies ty his behine legs"
a Boston Newspaper somewhat sar-
castically remarks: "The police of New
York are being vaccinated. But what's
the use of itY They never catch any
thing"
Indiana has law to prevent weak
minded people marrying. A crusty
old bachelor remarks that the weak
minded are the only persons who ever
think of marrying.
"What are eggs this morning?"
Eggs, of course" says the dealer, hu-
morously. 81 am glad Of it, for the
last bought of you were chickens"
"But Miss Tompkins, do tell me now
how old you are" ooh! but / don't
tell my age any more. [ am Just as
old as | look-there." 'Indeed!
thought you much younger"
When sharp man wants to get
job on st. Louis paper, he tells the
proprletors he can say more mean
things about Chicago than any man
living. They always give him
| chance.
An Irish soldier called out to his
| companion: "Hello! Pat, I've taken
a prisoner" "Bring him along, then;
bring him along!" "He won't come"
"Then come yourself" "He won't let
me-"
A young man while out searching
for his fathers pig, accosted an Irish
man as follows: "Have you seen
stray pig about here" Pat responded:
'Faix, how could l tell a stray pig from
any other?"
A Dutchman found his way into one
| of our local tonsorial rooms the other
day, and upon being asked how often
he shaved, replied: "Dree times a
week, every day but Soonday; den
shaves every day"
In Paris they have cheated" cabs.
Nine. D. after taking one, shouts
to the coachman. "See here, cabby!
Is there no warm brick in this car
riage?" eyes, ma'am." "Then whero
is it?" '"U nder my feet"
An cid Scotch lady gave pointed
reply to a minister who knew he had
offended her, and who expressed sur
prise that she should come SO regularly
to hear him preach. Said she: "My
puarrePs WI you, mon; it's not wi the
gospel"
A scientific writer says: ga little
extract of ginger, mixed with hot water
and sugar, will counteract the bad
effects of a wetting." That is all very
nice in theory, but in practice it will
be found that the bar.keeper seldom
has any ginger.
This is the season Of the year when
the agricultural papers are hard at
work advising farmers not to leave
their $500 mowers and $500 reapers
out in the snow all winter. No farmer
could get along without an agricultural
paper.
'Do you subscribe to all the articles
of the Athanasian creed?" was asked
an old lady. "No, 1 don't; I can't
afford it. There's a collection next
week for the convention fund, and 1
l can't do any more" was her reply.
a Lonoke, Ark, social statistican
announces that there are 81 marriage
able young ladies and any number of
attractive widows in that place.
Philadelphia boasts of a man who
tried to poison seven persons. In a
man who isn't doctor this seems ex-
traordinarv.
To keep apples from decaying put
them in u cool place-where there is
large family of children.
It is thought that Frank James will
be pardoned, provided he will give his
parole not to lecture.
Mr.. Gladstone is an able man. He
delivers brilliant speeches, reads Greek
like English, and is one of the best
scholars alive. But at the same time
he jumps around and howls like an IL
literate plumber when, in kicking on
tight boot, hole in the toe OF his stock
ing causes that valuable article to shoot
way back around his ankle.