The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1882-12-14
mauitopof pilot.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER IA, 1882.
WIT AND HUMOR.

proposing TO combine, the OBJECT being,
of course, TO stiffen the price
The first cloud that obscures the
peaceful sky of an infants existence is
about the size of a mans hand.
The prudent man has saved dimes all
summer that he might have good quar-
tiers in the winter.
4 schoolteaeher is a person employ
ed to give parents five hours of peace
and quiet per day.
As rule, the men who have been
driven crazy by misfortune did not
have to go far.
To keep apples from decaying. put
them in cool place-where there is a
large family of children.
A Lonoke, Ark, social statistician
announces that there are fifty-one mar
riageable young ladies and any number
of attractive widows in that place.
Philadelphia boasts of a man who
tried to poison seven people. In man
who isn't doctor this seems extraor-
binary.
A little boy who had been used to re-
ceiving his elder brothers old toys and
old clothes remarked: INA, will / have
to marry his widow when he dies?
A Cincinnati insurance agent was
shot at three times the other day with
out being hit. 1t is business in which
all risks generally pan out proftably.
A Texas man recently committed
suicide, and as he left the whisky bot
tie in rs pocket nearly full he was adj
judged insane.
Said the rich and quiet-loving citi-
zen: ''If man bores me and don't
like him, and want him to keep away
from me, l don't snub him. just lend
him So
A Mr.. Reed has written long poem
to show that the world is growing bet
ter every year. Let him transact bust
ness with hackman and he'll go home
and tear up the manuscript.
Old-fashioned country dances are be-
ing revived, and it is thought that fash
ionable balls this season will be less
suggestive of sitting up with q corpse
than formerly.
The cranberry crop OF the east is
failure, and every man who under
stands that it takes two pounds of SUI
gar to sweeten handful of the berries
will be glad of it.
"Do you subscribe to all the articles
of the Athanasian creed?" was asked
an old lady. No, l don't; l can't af-
ford it. There's collection next week
for the convention fund, and l can't do
any MORE" was her reply.
Madame" he said, sorrowfully, 81
shall never be young again. NO"
she replied, regarding him with cyni-
cal expression, when nature makes a
mistake she never repeats the expert
nlent with the same MATERIAL
Said a night policeman when about
dusk he was invited to drink cup of
coffee: mo, thank you; coffee keeps
me awake all night" Then he saw
his blunder, looked very embarrassed
and tried to explain, but it was no use.
For deliriously dazzling falsehood
you want to hear the story of the Yer
mont baggageman who, having little
time between stations, took hammer
and nails and repaired a trunk that
showed disposition to burst.
Nothing like understanding human
nature. A southern farmer placed his
hen-coop right in the middle of his wa
termelon patch, and every darkey that
came providing around debated with
himself until daylight as to which he
should tackle.
A Montreal young man attempted to
kiss the pretty daughter of corner
grocer. She dipped her lily white hand
up TO the wrist in gallon Of molasses
and passed it rapidly across the ardent
lovers ambrosial beard. This is what
might be called sweet revenge.
$50 Henry has graduated" remark
ed friend of the family. What is he
to choose as a profession? Take orders,
| suppose" "Ah," replied Henry's
father, plain, common-sense man,
"you don't know the boy. should
laugh to see him taking orders from
any one"
She said she wanted ticket to New
York and return, and the pale, gentle
manly agent with the dark moustache
asked. as he took up the pasteboard,
'Single?n at amt any of your bust
ness, rs know" she responded, tartly.
II might have been married dozen
times if I'd felt like providing for some
poor, shiftless wreck of manr'
4 young clergyman, who is a success
full pastor, was telling a retired mission
airy that he entered college and the the
illogical seminary with the intention Of
becoming q missionary, when the latter
broke out with, .Ah! you turned back
after putting your hand to the plough"
enc" was the answer; 81 just took an
other plough
Il suppose when women get their
rights" said the young man in the fiat
hat, you girls will be making love to
the fellows. 1t must be awfully nice to
be made love to, you know" Yes"
replied Angelina, "only one wants to
choose ones lover" The next moment
the young man in the flat hat was stand
ing alone, feeling flatter than his fiat hat.
Said the gilded youth: ''What's the
use of my kicking about the price my
tailor sets on suit of clothes? | used
to do it, Int one day after had argued
couple OF hours with him, | suddenly
thought that it was a ridiculous waste
of time, as | should never pay the bill,
anyhow"
..Are you the judge of reprobatesP"
said Mrs. Darlington, as she walked in
to an office of judge of probate. 81
am a judge of probate" was the reply.
well. that's as l expect" quoth the
old lady. ''You see my father died de-
tested and left several little infidels, and
l want to be their eXecutioner."
A director of railroad, who is a
great hater of tobacco hearing it re-
marked in meeting of the board that
| the life of locomotive is only thirty
wears, wanted to know ''if, in the opin-
| ion of the board. the longevity of the
| locomotive would not be increased if il
| smoked less?"
| YES" said the landlord at the
beach, "Fn clear the piazza of those
men without asking them to leave it,
and he went out and gazed at the ses
through the opera-glass and remarked,
II do believe Miss Darlington is in
trouble. think her bathing-dress ha:
got away from her." Rush for the
beach.