davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29

expense, and then determined to get the worst
IS the next best thing for his purpose. When
anything very bad came up he would pause
and gaze admiringly at the canvas and then
look around little responsibility at the com
pany. This picture" he would say, 81 ia a
great work of art; 1t IS an oil.paintlng done in
petroleum. 1t is by the old masters. 1t was
the last they did before dying. They did this
and then they expired. wish you were near.
er to it so you could see 1t better. wish l
could take 1t to your residences and let you see
| it by daylight. Some OF the greatest artists in
London come here every morning before day
light with lanterns to look at 1t. They say
they never saw anything like 1t before, and
they hope they never shall AGAIN" Nothing
could be more imprOmptu, and therefore rivet-
ing, than his manner throughout, from the
moment he entered; he seemed to be every.
thing for the first time and without the least
preparation, and, indeed, he was most unlike
such mechanical artists as Albert Smith, who
used to say he could 60 his Mont Blanc" half
asleep. Artemus was always IN reality at high
pressure He was never twice the same, he
poured out new jokes with prodigal invention
and every gesture was original and arose out
of the immediate occasion. His finger was
ever on the pulse of the people; they were al
ways absolutely IN his power, whilst he flatter-
ed them by appearing to be entirely In theirs.
He would concillate them, inspire pity, CLAIM
indulgence, throw himself upon their generos-
ity, pretend to exert himself, to labor under
depressing sense OF failure, even make capital
out of his poor cough; and, then, he was so
deeply wounded ii some very mild joke failed
to elicit applause that he would stop and look
at the people until they shook
with new sense of the absurd situation. At
other times, when interrupted by laughter, he
would look around with surprise and say 81
did not expect you to laugh at that 1 can
throw off numbers of those little things, but |
assure you can do better than that"-H. e.
Ha,oeis, IN Betgrdpia.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29
Deacon Browns Oysters.

1t was along IN the winter, and the promi.
gent church members were having a business
meeting IN the basement of the church to de-
wise ways and means to pay for the pulpit fur
nituIe. The question of an oyster sociable
had been decided, and they got to talking
about oysters, and one old deacOness asked a
deacon if ne didn't think raw oysters would
go further at a sociable than stewed ones
would. He said he thought raw would 60
farther, but they wouldn't be so satisfying.
And then he went on to tell how far raw
oyster went with him once.
He SAID he was at a small dinner party,
with a lady on each side of him, and he was
trying to talk to both OF them or carry on two
Conversations, on two different subjects at the
same time. They had some shell oysters, and
he took one up on fork, large fat one, and
was about to put 1t into his mouth, when the
lady on his lett called his attention, and when
his cold fork struck his teeth and no oyster on
it, he felt something had happened. He
glanced down at his shirt bosom, and was at
nee on the trail of the OYSTER though the in.
iect had got about two minutes the start OF
lin. 1t had gone down his vest, under his
yaistband and he was pOwerless to arrest It's
progress. He said he never felt how power.
less he was till be tried to grab that oyster by
placing his hand on his person outside his
clothes, then. as the oyster slipped around from
one place to another, he felt that man was a
poor weak creature. The oyster he observed,
had very cold feet, and the more he tried to be
calm and collected, and to keep track of the
conversation, the more the oyster seemed to
walk around among his vitals.
He says he does not know whether the la
lies noticed the oyster when it started on its
.ravels or not, but he thought as he leaned
pack to loosen up his clothing, so it would
Nurry down toward his Shoes that theylwink
4 at each other, though they might have beer
linking about something else. The oyster
emed to be real spry, until it got out Of
reach, and then II got to going slow, though II
remained cold to the last.
He SAID he had been on the anxious seat
had asked her father If he could have her, had
gone forward to be prayed for, had spoken q
piece in school, had been sent on the Ounce
block, had faced battery Of rebel artillery
and seen comrades die by his side, and done
many things that required nerve, discretion
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29

During the temperance crusade that swept
over this country some years ago, and Robert
1ngersoll was then a resident of Peoria, a
praying band of ladies faced the pope coming
out of saloon.
The leader of the band, in voice choked
with emotion ana the corner Of tract, ex.
claimed:
"Why, Mr.. Ingersoll, amt you ashamed to
be seen coming out of saloon?"
"Great heavens, ladies, you would not have
q man stay in there all day, would you9" was
the pagan's crushing reply.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29
Artemus Wards Last Addresses To British
Audiences.

Artemus Wards Last Addresses To British
Audiences.
When Artemus arrived here in 1866, he was
dying man. | can see HIM now as he came
on the narrow platform IN front of his inferior
panorama, and stole a glance at the densely'
packed room and then at his panorama. His
tall, gaunt though slender figure; his curly,
light hair and large aqulline nose, which al
ways reminded me of a macaw; his thin face
flushed with consumption; his little cough,
which seemed to shake him to pieces, and
which he SAID was wearing him out" at
which we all laughed lrresistibly, and then
felt ashamed of ourselves, as well we might;
but he himself seemed to enjoy his cough. 1t
was all part OF that old topsy turvy mind in
which everything appeared most natural up
side down, On first entering he would seem
profoundly unconscious that anything was
expected of him, but after looking at the au
dience, then at his own clothes, and then
alphabetically at his panorama, he began to
explain its merits. The fact was that Artemus
intended having the finest scenes that could be
painted, but he gave that up on accent of the
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29
Piles! Piles! Piles!
A Sure Cure Found at Last,
No One Need to Suffer!

A sure cure for Blind, Bleeding, Itching and
liberated Piles has been discovered by DR.. Will
liam, ian Indian remedy) called DR.. Williams
Indian Ointment. A single box has cured the
worst chronic cases of 25 or 80 years standing.
No one need suffer five minutes after applying
this wonderful soothing medicine. Lotions, in
struments and electuaries do more harm than
good. Williams Ointment absorbs the tumors,
allays the intense itching, particularly at night
after getting warm in bed,) acts as poultee,
gives instant and painless relief, and is prepared
only for Piles, itching of the private parts, and
for nothing else.
Read what the Hon. J. VI. Coffinberry, Of Cleve-
land, says about DR.. Williams Indian Pile Oint-
ment: have used scores of Pile Cures, and Il
affords me pleasure to say that have never found
ANYTHING which gave such immediate and perma-
nent relief as DR.. Williams Indian Ointment.
For sale by all druggists, or mailed Oh receipt
Of price, s1,OO.
FORBES d LORRIAUX, Agents. octl5-1y
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29
BUDGET OF FUN.

P. T. Barnum gives this anecdote In a TEN
perance lecture: Last winter two of my ele
plants began shaking with chills one morn
ing. The keepers ran down to the village and
got six gallons of whisky. Hastily returning
three gallons were given to each elephant
They liked the artificial warmth It superln.
duced. Next morning when the keeper came
to them he found both elephants shaking, with
might and main. No, you DON'T he shouted
you are we'll enough today and they stopped
shaking
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29
THE FARMER,

Let the wealthy and great
Roll in splendor and state,
envy them not, declare it;
eat my own lamb,
My chickens and ham,
! shear my own fleece, and wear 10;
have lawns, have bowers,
have fruits, have flowers,
The lark is my morning alarmer.
So, jolly boys, now
Here's God speed the plow-
Long life and success to the farmer.
Flies and Bugs.
Flies, reaches, ants, bed-bugs, rats, mice, go
piers, chipmunks, cleared out by Trough OF
Rats" 15c.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29

- ~ business now before the public. You
make money faster at work for
Ii than at anything else. Capital not
needed. We will start you. tl2 day
- ~ J and upwards made at home by the in
dosrous Men. women boys and girls wanted
TO work for Now Is the time. You work in spare
time only give your whole time TO the business You
live at home and do the work. No other business will
nearly well. No fail TO make enormous pay
BY engaging Costly Outfit and terms free None
made fast easy and honoraby. Address TRUE Co.. Au-
usta, Maine. nov1 BY
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1882-04-29
GRAY's SPECIFIC MEDICINE.

Great chance to make money. Those
"n |" who always take advantage Of the
good chances that are offered, gen
orally become wealthy. while those
who do not improve such chances
remain In M verify We want many men, women boys ana
urls I'd work for us right their localities. Any one
can do the work properly the first start The business
will nav more than times ordinary wages Expensive
outht furnished free Ne who engages als 10 MAKE
money rapidly. You can devote your whole ne 10 tns
work or only spare moments. Full Information ana
ali that is needed Address SrINsoN Co. Port
land. Maine. ho'i~
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14
Profit Of Spring Chickens.

1t has been said that a spring chicken
is the only animal of which BIOLOGISTS
could not determine the age. / know
the age of every brood of mine. OF two
broods, Matched May y and 10, | sold
eleven cockerels the past week; they
weighed tifty-nine pounds, and brought
twenty cents a pound, live weight, MAX
inc Sl1.SO. OF these two broods have
left nine pullets, which weigh about four
pounds each; at the same price they
would bring 1920, equal to $40 for the
whole. | am feeding one quart of corn
day for every ten fowls, old and young
together. The chickens sold were about
one hundred days old, and estimating
that they have consumed on the average
apint a day for ten, they have cost to
feed just $3.50, (corn being worth eighty
cents a bushel.) The hens owe me moth
ing on account of these chickens, for
they laid several eggs in the coops be-
fore they were turned out, and have laid
every second day since, 50 that they do
their share well. The chicks have there
fore paid me up to the present $1,000,
or 82f cents each. Inregard to this I'M
certain arrival (zoologically considered)
then, | could tell the scientific men
that a spring chicken gains its highest
development in the neighborhood of
summer boarding house, and that its
age varies from two months to five years.
But seriously, now that the summer
boarding house is invading the distant
rural districts and has already spread far
among the farms, is not the business of
raising spring chickens one well worth
the attention of a farmer who is within
driving distance of one of these bottom
less CULTS for the disposal of eggs and
pOnlty4? A few years ago sold more
than 400 pair of young chickens to
bOarding-house near where then lived,
at fifty cents each, large and small;
many of them were revenously seized
when they weighed but little over a
pound, and before September had not
a chick left to dispose of These were
the surplus from flock of a little more
than a hundred hens. The fact is, farm
ers have never yet worked the mine of
wealth they may find in the production
Of poultry and eggs.-Cor, " Y. Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14
Your Last Years Dress.

Last years dresses may be easily
brought into style by arranging a pan
nier-draped sash of satin surah on the
edge of the basque, The plaits of last
years basques are taken out, and the
seams are sowed up and bound to the
edges. A surplice drapery of surah
over the bosom is added, and the sleeves
are trimmed to match, with q puff at the
top, If the wearer is slender; q plated
scarf at the wrist if she be stout. The
large buttons of last year are replaced
by small round ones, the old button
holes being concealed either by making
the dress lap the other way, or, if that
can not well be done. by inserting a
vest, or plastron. Fashion authorities
say thata great many plaStons, or vests,
are to be worn, some embroidered, some
plain some plated. These may be either
OF the dress material, or, with band of
similar ribbon, which is more frequent,
OF the fabric used for trimming. A late
French fashion plate shows novel
bodice with plated plastron of the dress
goods, framed in bands of two-inch satin
rlopon, around the neck, and bands and
BOWS on the sleeves. Ribbon sashes are
iaShionable, commencing from the side
seam OF the bodices and tied in front,
anu since the favorite arrangement of
uicse Is over polonaise to simulate the
point OF bodice, it will readily be seen
'naI IN clever hands they may easily be
Sseu 70 hide seam when the basque
pls oeen heightened. A very stylish
aris dress in two fabrics has the bodice
ouO IKE The familiar cuirass, now known
as the Jersey basque. In front, this has
narrow pointed vest of green and gold
SSlocaue, the vest of the bodice being of
sark green gros grain. At the back,
lonl the neck down, is laid flat box
Plalt' with double fold on each edge,
IN sort Of modified Vatican, held flat
=; ~ 'ne very edge of the basque, whence
iWSopehS out over the tournure in full
mtalieau plat, falling low on the skirt of
s he GreSs. The edge of the basque is
tLn by deep fringe in the colors of
Io orocade The skirt is short, with
on. n,9e plaltlngs OF gros grain at the foot,
rri MI ABOVE this is brocade covering the
~ %nole SKIRT back and in front in sort
H.. oIr"lght tunic, slashed and piped on
i no lower edge-the openings being ten
twa" deep, showing gros grain be-
s meyn' This new model may easily be
pp'eu 10 renovate hair-worn dress.
NIL NIL ehectlve mode of trimming skirt,
p oooe the material is cut up into many
pa;,i' Is to put single box or side
sSaI at the foot, and cover the skirt
or orV r,e mat for depth of twelve inches
boY more, with alternate perpendicular
sbirIPp lalts and puffings, the latter being
i onn, across in clusters at intervals OF
''u' inches Chicago Times.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14
FARM AND FIRESIDE,

The goose is the easiest and least ex-
pensive of all fowls to raise. In order to
thrive well they must have a grass range,
the greater part of the year it will eat
little else than what it finds in its wan
behring's. When being fatted for market
it should be pretty closely confined and
fed abundantly on corn, wheat and vege-
tables for about three weeks.
Chickens must be young to fry well.
Dress and dissect. Wash, and rub in
salt and pepper while wet. Cover
the bottom of spider with lard. Let it
get hot, then lay in the pieces of chicken,
Cover and fry till done, Mix one egg
with spoonful of flour and teacupful
of milk, and pour over the chicken when
tender, setting the frying pan in the oven
long enough to cook the flour and egg.
-Com9ry gentleman.
"A correspondent of the Country
Gentlema2 writes concerning poisoning
bv ivy: II have found q free use of cold
water to be the best remedy for poison
from poison vine. Formerly suffered
lone and severely. Now, on the first
appearance of the poison on the skin, no
matter on what part of the body, | pour
cold water on it until thoroughly chilled.
On temperance of the fever, or redness
with itching, again douche as fully as
at first, and repeat, if necessary, several
times. If the face is poisoned lie down
and shut the eyes, letting another do the
pouring. Where the hands have touched
The poisoned skin be sure to wash them
at once. No one need suffer more than
twentyfour hours who.uses cold water
as above"
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

'x*"Unbiddcn guests are often welcomest
when they are gone" Disease is an unbidden
guest which Kidney-Wort almost invaria bly,
"shows the door" Here is a case in point:
Mother has recovered,n wrote an Illinois
girl to her Eastern relatives "She took bit
tiers for long time but without any good
So when she heard of the virtues of Kidney
Wort she got box and it completely cured
her, so that she can do as much work now as
she could before We moved West Since she
got well every one about here is taking it.''
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

"Another velvet season is one Of the Ger
tainties announced thus carly by the mer-
chants. The best service is given by the close,
short pile velvets, such as the Nonpareil Velvet
cen, which is not easily marred or crushed.
The Nonparcil Velveteen is found in all the
stylish new shades, and when made up, with
the pile turned upward, it cannot be distin-
guished from silk velvet. The difference in
the price makes a garment cost about one
third as much as if made of Lyons silk
velvet "-FrOn, Hdrper's Bazar, September 2.
To be purchased from all lirst-class dry goods
retailers
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

There are six different types of the
Goddess of Liberty afoat in this country,
and the man who can't select from the
lot to please himself had better let the
whole liberty business alonc.-Dctr0H
Free Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

"A goat in Brooklyn, N. Y, found
(. G. Vincent, of Waterville, Me, asleep
under pear tree, with roll of green
backs protruding from his vest pocket.
The animals lunch cost the granger
Sl65. " Y Grnnhic.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14
The thermometer, like man, rises by de-
grees.-TerdS SiftingS.
Humor of Horace Greeley.

"Yes, guano is no doubt good thing toput
on potatoes, but | prefer gravy" was the re-
ply given by Horace Greeley to friend
Msher's Herb Bitters is the preference of all
those who have ever used it for Dyspepsia,
X idncy and Liver Complaints Consti alton
Nervous Ailments, Rhcum tism, ChlS and
Fever, hilarious Disorders, etc. Its effects
are always thorough, rapid and lasting. All
respectable druggists keep it.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

Mrs BROWN SAYs:-Ncrvous or Dyspeptic
Headaches cured by DR.. c. w. Renson's Celery
and Chamomile Pills.
DR.. Bcnson's Skin Cure consists Of internal
and external treatment. Removes humors Of
all kinds. Perfectly safe.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

When board of eminent physicians and
chemists announced the discovery that by
combining some well known valuable rene
dies, the most wonderful medicine was pro-
duced, which would cure such a wide range
of diseases that most all other remedies
could be dispensed with, many were skeptical :;
but proof of its merits by actual trial has S
PEELED all doubt, and to-day the discoveries of
that great medicine, Hop Bitters, are honored
and blessed by all as benefactors. -Democrat.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

THE VoLTAIo BELT Co., Marshall Mich, will
send DR.. Dyes Celebrated Electro Voltaic
Belts and Electric Appliances on trial for
thirty days to men young or old) who ar. af-
kindred troubles, guaranteeing speedy and
complete restoration of health and manly vigor.
Address as above. N. B.-No risk is incurred,
as thirty days trial is allowed.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

YOUNG lady of this city calls an admirer
who weighs close on to two hundred and fifty
pounds her jun beau.-Elnlira Tele9rdm
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

awe are persuaded that the ancient Hermes
with all the subtle art and natural resources
OF the Alchemsts, was very poor doctor
compared with Mrs. Lydia f. Pinkham, of
Lynn, Mass. Hermes may have been after all
only clever practitioner Of the Black Art;
but we know there is no humbug in the phar-
maceutical chemistry of Mrs. Pinkham's Vege-
table Compound.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

IF afflicted with Sore Eyes, use DR.. Isaac
rhompson's EyeWater. Druggists sell it. 25c.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

Poor Axle Grease ruins your Axles-Wise's
Axle Grease preserves them.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

SOMETHING left over from the fight Of
yesterday" was the Duke of Wellingtons
definition of hash
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

That most comfortable Ticket Office, 1877
West street, New York, is presided over by
Mr. {. V. V. Ward, who thus addressed one
OF ourrepreseatatives recently: ''Some months
ago l had rheumatism in my right arm, and
was unable to raise it. l was advised by a
friend to use st. Jacobs Oil. l did So and
before the second bottle had been exhausted
my arm was perfectly well.-BrooblHn Eagle.
GENTLEMAN on the car takes an excellent
cigar from his pocket and just as he is about
to light it recollects that his fellow-trayeler
may object to tobacco-smoke According
ly, the cigar between his finger and thumb,
he turns to his visa Wis and and says politely:
81 beg pardon, sir, but perhaps" 20,
traveller takes the cigar and smokes it. (P. 5.
OF course it was the polite man S last wced.)
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

To CHANGE window glass to tin-take pains
to leave the window open when it rains and it
will beat in.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

SOLD everywhere-is Frazers Axle Grease.
Superior to all others. Try it and be happy.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

If anything will give goat the headache
and teach him the first principle of astronomy,
it is a combat with a cast-iron dog.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

25c. buys a pair of Lyons Patent Heel Stffen-
2rs and make boot or shoe last twice as long.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

SKINNY MEN. "Wells' Health Renewer'' re-
stores health and vigor, cures Dyspepsia. 81
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

A MAN is known by the company he keeps
away from.-N o. PicaylsJtc.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

STRANGE that a Grpco- Roman wrestling
match should draw house full of people 1t
IS only try-fing affair at best.-BoSton
YraNScrlnk
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

~ AM cll-ated," said the eel, as he passed
into the whales mouth. allow Jo-nahl'-
The J,tdge
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

WIsE's Axle Grease will prevent metal from
rustng
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

THE more -four housekeeper has the more
she kneads.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14
Special Notice.

The Merchants Gargling Oil has been in
use us iniment for half a century. All we
ask is fair trial, but be sure and follow di-
rectiOus.
The Gargling Oil and Merchants Worm
Tablets are for sale by all druggists and deal
ers in general merchandise throughout the
world
Manufactured at Locllport, n. Y, by Mer-
chants Gar"lng Oil Company.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

WHAT kind of a field is older than you are!
One that is pasturage.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

"RoUaH ON RATS" Clears out rats, mice,
reaches, bed-bugs, gophers, chipmunks. 15c.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

TRY the new brand, "Spring Tobacco"
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-10-14

the civilized world is without parallel
Richmond (Ea.) Southern Planter and Farmer.