The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1882-08-04
Detroit Free Press.

"What 1 was gwine to remark" said
Brother Gardner, president of the Lime
Kiln club, as the rafting of hoofs died
away on the calm evening air, twas to
de effeck dat Prof. January Sunbeam, of
Mississippi, am waitin' in de ante-room
to address dis meetin' ON de subjeck OBJ
DE Goneness OBJ de Past De Professor
am not only known all ober de kentry
fur his theories on astronomy, but he
am de only man in America who kin
skin woodchuck In seben minutes by
de watch"
In about five minutes the stranger
made his appearance and was greeted
with burst of applause, which upset
the WATERFALL and filled the shoes of
eight or ten OF the nearest members. On
taking the platform he was introduced by
the President, handed piece of slippery
elm to keep his throat moist during his
oratory, and he then bowed and began:
"My dear fre1's, whar am de past?
Look fur it under de bed. down cellar,
up stars, in de wood box, or whar you
will, and you cannot find it. Why?
Kase it am gone. 1t has slipped away
like a streak oh grease runnin' acrost de
hibShCil hOO Ill ~ Will DCDOCl,
return. (Sighs from all over the hall.
Do you meet Plato as you go up de
street? Do you fin Cicero waitin' at do
ferry dock? Do you h'ar of Diogenes
hangin' round de Union Depot to work
de string game on some greenhorn? Not
any. Dey belongs to de past an gone.
Dey sleep in de dimness OBJ odder CEN
turtles. Whar am de glory of de Roman
empire? Whar am Caesar an Brutus an
Casiusl Let de dust oh de past answer.
Much blowing of noses.)
my frien's, de past am not de fucher
any more dan day after to-morrer am de
day before yesterday. AS time fades SO
does glory fade. To-day you may
march at de head OBJ de purcesshun, yer
hat on yer ear an red sash tied round
yer body-to- morrer we may be in Jail fur
borrowin' somebody's woodpile to keep
yer feet warm. (Sly and suspicious
winks all over the room). Do not prize
de present too highly-do not forget de
warnings of de past. We cannot recall
de past, but we can look back en- see
whar' de grocer gin us short weight on
Goldfish, an whar we took advantage OBJ
a cloudy day to pass a twenty-cent piece
off fur a quarter. CHEERS and ap-
plause.)
"My hearers, we should not live fur
de past, but fur de fucher. What am it
to us as we riz up in de mawnin' wheder
Caesar met his mudder-in-law at de de-
pot or forbid her his house? What am
1t to us as we retire to our humble
touches fur de night wheder de orators
of Athens creased der butes wild lard or
went barefoot? AS we sit on box In de
alley to consume our MONDAY lunch we
car not wheder Brutus dyed his goatee
or was clean-shaved. (Cries of No! no!0
But de fucher am big wild events. To-
day we may be sorrow. If so, We hope
dat de morrow will bring clam chowder.
Great Shaking of lips.) If de present
am full of biles and chilblains an heart
aches, de fucher may be as bright as a
cats eyes shinin' out of barl on dark
night. Nebber look back on de past.
1t am as much gone DIS three-c piece
paid out fur Fourth OBJ July lemonade.
Nebber dispair oh de fucher. When de
heart is heaviest, de fire lowest an work
de skeercest, you NAV find a lost wallet,
or strike some butcher williu' to give
credit. (WhoorS OF applause). Nv
fren's, ara dun. Thanking you severe
ly for your infectious distraction, l ram
bulate to my seat wild oderiferous feel
ings of concentration towards each and
cherry one oh YOU.
During the wild excitement which
followed the close of the mastery effort,
Samuel Shin and Trustee Pullback fell
upon the hot stove in an enthusiastic
embraces, and seven windows had to be
lowered to let out the odor of overdone
mule steak.