The National tribune., 1882-12-28
TIE QcWILLI4MSES.
And Their Thrilling Experiences with
Patent Burglar Alarm.
by Mark Tratn.l

scandal TO religion; then took random Jump
and landed on the subject of burglar alarms
And now for the first time Mr.. McWilliams
showed feeling. Whenever perceive this sign
on this mans dial, comprehend it, and lapse
into silence, and give him opportunity to un-
load his heart. Said he, with but Uncontrolled
emotion:
Il do not go one single cent on burglar
alarms, Mr.. Twain-nOt d single ccnt-and |
will tell you why. When we were finishing
our house, we found We had little cash left
over, on account of the plumber not knowing
/ 1t. | was for Cnlightening the heathen with il,
Tor L was always unacCOuntably down on the
| heather somehow; but Mrs. McWillidms said
no, let's have a burglar alarm. | agreed 40 this
compromise. | will explain that whenever |
want thing, and Mrs. 1lcWilIiams wants an
| other thing, and we decide upon the thing that
/ Mrs McWiliaInS waBts-as we always do-she
I calls that compromise. Very well: the man
came up from New YorE, and put in the alarm.
and charged three hundred and twenty-five
! dollars for it, and said We could sleep without
uneaSiness now. So we did for a while-say a
/ month. Then one night we smelied smoke,
and / was advised to get up and see what the
/ matter was. LIT Il candle, and started toward
( the stairs, and met burglar coming out of
room with basket Of tinware, which he had
mistaken for solid silver in the dark. He was
/ smoking pipe | said, My friend, we do not
/ allow smoking in this ROOM He said he was
a stranger, and could not be expected to know
! the rules of the house; said he had been in
many houses just lis good as this one and it
| had never been objected to before He added
! that as far rs his experience went such rules
had never been considered to apply to burglars
anyway.
. / said: Smoke along, then, if it is the GUS
tom, though l think that the conceding of
privilege to a burglar which is denied to
bishop Is a conspicuous sign of the lOoseness of
Z tl,y,t a..
nave you TO be entering this house in this fur
tive and clande5tine way, without ringing the
burglar arm?'
Z" He looked confused and ashamed and said,
with embarrassment: | beg thousand par
dons. l did not know you had burglar alarm,
else | would have rung it. | beg you will not
mention 1T where my parents may hear of it,
for they are old and feeble, and such a SEEM
ingy wanton breach of the hallowed conVen-
tionalities of our Christian civilization might
all too rudely sunder the frail bridge which
hangs darklmg between the pale and evanescent
present and the solemn great deepS of the
cternities May | trouble you for a match p
. ] said: Your sentiments do you honor,
but if you will allow me to say 1t, metaphor is
not your best hold. Spare your thigh; this
kind light only ON the box, and seldom there,
In fact Ii my experience may be trusted But
to return to business; how did you get in here?'
"'ThrOugh a second story window
" 1t was even / redeemed the tinware
at paWnbrOkers rates. less cost of advertising
bade the burglar goodnight, closed the window
after him, and retired to headquarters 10 re-
port. Next morning we sent for the burglar
alarm man, and he came up and explained that
the reason the alarm did not go Off was that
part Of the house but the first floor was at
tached TO the alarm. This was simply idiOtic
one might as well have no armor at all i'll bat
tie as to havei only on his legs. The expert now
i,a, g ,i-+.,
three hundred dollars for il, aud went his way.
By-and-by, one night, found burglar in the
third story, about to start down q ladder with
a lot Of miscellaneous property. My first i'm
pulse was TO crack his head with a billiard cue
but my second was to refrain from this atten-
ton, because he was between ne and the cue
rack. The second impulse was plainly the
soundest, so / refrained, and proceeded to COM
promise. | redeemed the property at former
rates, after deduCtlng ten per cent. Tor Use OF
ladder, it being my ladder and next day we
sent down for the expert once more, and had
the third story attached to the alarm, for three
hundred dollars.
BY this time the 'annuDCiator' had grown
to formidable dimensions. 1t had forty-seven
tags on it, marked with the names of the vari-
Gus rooms and Chimneys, and it occupied the
space of an ordinary wardrobe. The gong was
the size of d wash-bo and was placed above
the head of our bed. There was wire from
the house to the coachman's quarters in the
stable and noble gong alongside his pillow.
1--WE should have been comfortable now but
for one defect. Every morning at five the cook
opened the kitchen door, in the way of business,
and rip went that gong! The first time this
happened thought the last day was come sure |
! didn't think it IN bed-no, but out ofit-for
the first effect of that frghttul gong is to hurl
you across the house. and slam you against the /
wall, and then curl you up and squlrm you !
like spider on a stove lid. till somebody shuts
that kitchen door. In solid fact, there is no !
ciamOr that Is even remotely comparable to the |
dire clamOr which that gong makes Well, this !
cata tIopue happened every morning regularly /
at i've clock, and lost us three hours sleep; |
for mind you. when that thing wakes yOu it /
doesn't merely wake you i'll spots; it wakes ,
you all over conscience and all, and you are .
good for eighteen hours of wide aWakedneSS .
bsequently-eighteen hours of the very most .
iuconceivable Wide-awakedness that you ever
experienced IN your life. \ stranger died on |
our hands one time, and we vacated and left /
him in our room over night. Did that stranger .
wait for the general Judgment? No, sir; he /
got up at five the next morning in the most
prompt and uuosten atious way. / knew he
would; | knew it mighty well. He collected
his liie-in5u0nce aud lived happy ever after,
for there was plenty of proof as to the perfect
squarencss of his death.
We'll, we were gradually fading away to-
ward Il better land, on account of our daily loss
of sleep; we finally had the expert up again,
and lie ran q wire TO the outside of the door,
and placed switch there, whereby Thomas,
the butler, could take Off and put on the alarm;
but Thomas always made one little mistake
he switched the alarm off at night when we
went to bed, and switched it again at day
break III the morning, just in time for the cook
to open the kitchen door, and enable that gong
10 slam across the house, sometimes break
ing window with one or the other of us. At
the end Of week we recognized that this
switch business was Il delusion and a snare.
We also discovered that a band Of burglars had
been lodging i'll the house the whole time-not
exactly to steal, for there wasn't much left now,
but to hide from the police, for they were hot
pressed, and they shrewdly judged that the
detectives would never think of tribe of
burglars taking sanctuary i'll a house nOtori-
Ously protected by the most imposing and elab-
crate burglar alarm in America.
Sent down for the expert again, and this
time he struck u most dazzling idea-he fixed
the thing SO that opening the kitchen door
would take oil the alarm 1t was a noble idea, |
and he charged accordingly. But you already
forescc the result. | switched on the alarm
every night at bedtime, no longer trusting to
ThOmas's frail memory; and soon as the
lights were out the burglars walked in at the
kitchen door, thus taking the alarm off without
waiting for the cook to do it In the morning |
You see how aggravatingly we were situated
For months we couldn't have any company. |
Not a spare bed in the house; all occupied by
burglars.