davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
SOME SIDE-SPLITTERS.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the News

What the Funny Fellows Saying in the News
papers.
"You shock me-" said the corn to the far
mer.
The balloonist is the fellow for high old
time.
Front gates bear fruit -pairs.-H,r rygraph
Leader Boots-elevens-ole man's.-BurLiagtOn
Enterprise.
One half the world don't know how the
other half lies. We speak from experience
Hatctin Eye.
The prohibtory law Is terrible shock to
Iowa drunkards. 1t quite takes their breaths
away.-BostOn Post.
Beauty and bashfulness are oftsn united.
Yet the prettiest maiden Is admired for her
cheek.-NeWS Letter.
The time wasted by men in feeling In the
wrong pocket would make the next generation
rich, if they had it.-DetrOit Free Press.
Her lover was chimney sweep, and named
VIII. She called him VIII O. the wisp.-Jacaena
Mascotte. OF course this was when she whispered
yes to his SCOT.
Telegraph blue" is a new color. It is the
from his broker asking for more margin.-Bos-
ton Commercial Bulletin.
81 am in favor of free trade" were the SWELL
ing words of a seedy-loolling fellow. 1t was the
unanimous opinion of those who heard him that
instead of free trade he meant free lunch
Boston Transcript.
- don't see what man wants to lie abed in
the morning for" remarked Lawyer Suitem.
'Of course not" said Fogg. at would be no
recreation for one whose business is to lie all
day."-Boston Transcript.
"Hold up your hands," yelled the Western
outlaw as he boarded palace car and showed
his pistols. "Are you road agent?" asked a
frightened passenger. Eyes" "Thank hea-
ven! l feared you were another porter.-Phi-
adelpbia Negs
The editor of the Key West Democrat is said
to be only forty inches high and weighs but
thirty-fve pounds. When the man with club
comes in to interview the chap who wrote
that article" the editor of the Democrat crawls
into his paste-pOt and pulls down the lid
Nep York Commercial Advertiser.
Regimental orders: Volunteer captain-"Ah,
Sergeant Jones, didn't l send you an order to
be at headquarters on Monday at nine o'clock
with d corporal and six men, for duty?'
Sergeant" Yes, sir; but think if there was
a little moro request and little less order,
it would be (ahemY better! "-LOndon Punch.
Scrambled snakes eggs are the new dish,
and as yet there seems to be no particular
directions for preparing them in the cook
books. We would suggest, however, that you
go out into the country until you find nest
with eggs, and then, when the snake puts in
| its appearance, it viii come natural to you to
scramble some.-LOWeH Citizen.
A lad who had been bathing was in the act
of dressing himself, when one of his shoes
rolled down the rock and disappeared in the
water. In attempting to rescue it he lost the
other one also, whereupon, contemplating his
feet with a most melancholy expression, he
apostrophized: "Well, you're nice pair of
orphans, amt you?"-BrooklyH Eagle.
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

the names of the new as well as the old
members petti0ninC therefor
SEC. 1.-THE rank of Posts shall be de-
termiued by the date of the charter under
which they are acting.
1t will be seen that the preliminary steps
necessary to be taken in order to establish
q new Post in any Department of the Grand
Army are very simple and easily carried
out We shall take pleasure in forward
ing to the National Headquarters at
Omaha the above applications, and, in
the course of few days, the necessary
papers will doubtless he forwarded, with full
instructions az to the method Of procedure;
and, as soon as these new Posts have been
mustered IN, THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE will
be happy to publish a full account of their
organization, and give the names of their
officers. Meanwhile, we urge our ex-sol
diers at every place which is at present
without Grand Army Post, to make appli-
cation for the establishment of Post there
through the medium of THE NATIONAL
TRIBUNE. The labor involved in answer
ing their letters and communicating with
the National Headquarters is considerable,
but THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE counts it as
nothing compared with the good results
which are likely to flow from it, We want
to see 100000 new recruits enrolled in
the Grand Army before the close of Com
mander-in Chief VanDervoort's administers
ton, and we believe il can be done. There
are many remote places in various sections
of the country which cannot be reached
through the ordinary recruiting agencies Of
the Grand Army, but which can be directly
canvassed through the columns OF THE Ma
TToNAL TRIBUNE, and what we propose to
do is to supplement the worl, of the regular
Department. Commanders in such way as
to canvass the entire country in the interest
of the Order.
Comrades, lend rs your aid!
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

The Equalization of BOuntes is one of the
great measures of justice to the soldier which
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE is determined,
despite all opposition, to secure from Con-
gress. Upon this great work it is concentrate
ing all its energies, and although disappoint-
ments have been repeatedly encountered in
the past, it has lost neither confidence nor
courage. The principle involved in the
equalization Of bouHties is just, and, in the
end, it must prevail. The eloquent words
of the late Senator Observation-Disclosures war
governor-are still ringing in our ears
Justice to the soldier cannot always be
deferred. 1t must and will triumph some
time" The time when it will triumph, we
believe, is close at hand, and all that is neces-
sary now to insure the fuifllment of the
Nations promise TO its late defenders is for
them in body, and as with one voice, TO
demand that fulfllment. We look to our
comrades Of the Grand Army, as well as to
our ex-soldiers and sailors everywhere, to
strengthen our hands. We need their active
help and assistance. Congress must be made
TO feel that at the back of THE NATIONAL
TRIBUNE are the hundreds of thousands of
brave and loyal citizens who saved the Union
from destruction. When Congress once re-
allies that the demand for the Equalization
of Bounties is supported by such overwhelm-
ing numbers, it cannot and viii not withhold
Its assent. The effect of the measure, as we
have repeatedly taken occasion to remark, is
as simple as the principle involved in it,
All that it is necessary for any one of our
veterans 10 do in order TO ascertain the pre-
else amount of bounty to which he will be
entitled under it, is to multiply the number
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
Reading.

A love for books is n great safeguard, as
well as an unlimited source Of enjoyment.
We have great compassion for those who
declare that they have no taste for reading
and who look upon the time spent with
books as wasted. They miss so much, it
seems to us How YEARLY the time hangs
on their hands if from any cause they are
disabled from taking part in the active
duties Of life 4 love for reading and ma
terial to satisfy it renders one quite indie
pendent of earthly surroundings. Like the
magic carpet, which had the power to trans
port its owner whithersOever lie listed, q
good book can bear one away TO realms of
enjoyment beyond the atmosphere of weari-
ness and care. Many mothers congratulate
themselves when their boys, porting over
some interesting book, do not bother them; ,
that all is well, when, if they were aware of
the character of the literature they were
perusing, would shudder."
We find the above in one of our ex-
changes, and heartily endorse the sentiment
The taste for reading sensational novels and
papers is natural outgrowth of the stirring
scenes in which the country was engaged
about the time when the boys of this period
were born.
TO all such adventurous spirits whose
souls are full of ardent longing to break the
monotony Of home life and rush into the
busy tumult of the great world, THE Ma
TIoNAL TRIBUNE brings its weekly budget
of martial scenes and daring exploits a
thousand times more periiOus than can be
portrayed by the novelist, just as truth sur
passes fiction in the pathos and sublimity of
its achievements.
If every soldier reader of THE TRIBUNE
will relate the story of the most perilous
hour of his life briefly, concsely, giving date
and location for the entertainment of its
readers it will no longer be necessary for the
boy Of the period who reads the heroic record
to seek stimulus for his active brain in the
mock tragedy of fiction or to expend his
surplus sympathy upon imaginary heroes.
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

book dealers has become National nui-
s2nce. Hangers on about the Capitol obtain
orders from Congressman for the work and
sell it 30 the dealers, depriving those for
whose benefit it is published of their right
full share in the work The object of placing
the volumes in the hands of the Adjutant-
General of the Army is that list may be
kept of those receiving the work, and so
prevent any one person from receiving more
than one copy. Heretofore it has been pos
sible for an industrious Jeremy Diddler,
gifted with good supply of brass, to accu-
muiate enough Government publications to
pay his board all winter
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
AIDES, lend rs your aid!
Tha Trih1rne,s pnlitics.

| In our political columns this week will be
found, as usual, a carefully prepared digest
of the latest developments Of the campaign,
including the returns from the Ohio and
West Virginia elections. Ii is the policy of
TIE NATIONAL TRIBUNE 10 record impair
TALLY the doings orboth parties, and toportray
with as much accuracy as possible the vary
ing phases Of the canvass. It is not part of
its policy to engage actively in the discussion
of partizan politics. 1t recognizes the fact
that among its readers as among the members
of the Grand Army and our ex-soldiers gem
orally, there are adherents Of all political
parties, who have the right to their own
opinions and are entitled to the fullest
measure of respect. Some Of them, doubt
less, believe in free-trade principles; others
are as strongly pursuaded that protection is
the bulwar< of American industries. Some,
we suppose may be classed as anti-Admi9is-
tration men and others under the familiar
/ !
readers we suppose there are some Tam
many adherents and some bitter enemies of
into the opinions which they individually
hold touching the merits Of this or that
enough for us to know that they believed
that the war for the preservation Of the I'm
fought to maintain the integrity of the
Republic are entitled to the full measure ofthe
compensation which the Government of the
United States obligated itself TO render in
return for their services. Upon this plat
form we can ell stand-Republicans and
Democrats, Greenbackers and Hard-mOney
men, Free-traders and Protectionists, Prohib-
itionists and Liquor-leaGuers. We believe
and we maintain, that this is a platform
stronger, broader, and more indestructable
than that of any political party.
We believe, too, that it's claims upon our
ex-soldiers are greater than those of any So
called party platform, and, believing this,
we unhesitatingly say that it is the duty of
every ex-soldier, whatever his party affilia-
tons to oppose the election of every candi-
date for Congress who is not willing to stand
upon that platform, be he Democrat or Re-
publican, Greenbacker or Hard-money man,
Prohibitionist or Liquor-Leaguerer. We do
not ask our Democratic readers to vote
against the nominees of their own party for
Congress, where they are pledged to vote for
legislation in the interest of the soldier, nor
do we ask our Republican readers to vote
against Republican candidates where they
are known to be heartily in favor Of such
legislation, but we do ask both our Demo-
cratic and Republican readers to vote against
the candidates of their own party whenever
they have good reason TO suspect their 10y
atty to the soldier. The time has come when
our ex-sodiers must make their influen CO
felt, if they would obtain from Congress the
justice which is due them, and they can only
make that influence felt by exhibiting their
strength at the polls
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

THIS pauper Government of ours, which
at the present time has surplus in the
Treasury Of only one hundred and fifty mil
-p2ys to each soldiers orphan the munif-
cent pension Of two dollars per month! And
yet there are Congressman who declare that
the pension list is honeycombed with fraud
and would gladly vote 10 abolish it entirely.
Co nrades, ought This fact not to bind you
together like b nd Of brothers in support
OF TEE ,NATIoNAL TRIBUNE and the pIin-
ciples which il advocates?
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
PU Bills ED w e E KLY.
One Dollar per Year.

ks-TERMs OF Observation-Disclosures CASH IN
ApvANcE.-MoNEY FORWARDED oTHER"IsE THAN REGIS
TERED LETTER, POSTAL MONEY ORDER, or DRAFT on N5"
YoRk, Will BE At rHr RISK CT ThE sEN5eR As AL
SUBSCRIPTIONS PE0 TO AGENTS.
EB-RENEWBL S.-SUescRIBERs CAN ALWAYS ASCERTAIN
TAE DATE WHEN TIER SUBSCRIPTION WILL EXPIRE BY LOOKING
AT The NUMBER Or TIE TIER rAPsR, WHICH IS
rss SANE As THAT OF TtE WHOLE NUMBER OF TIE
ISSUE WHICH THEy ARE EMITTED 70 seCEWE.
EB-ADORESSES. - ADDRESSES Will De c4aEsEo As
OFTEN AS DESIRED But SUBSCRIBERS SHOULD IN AL CASES
GIVE THEIR OLD AS WELL As NEW ADDRESS.
EE-CORRESPONOENCE.- CoRREs 7oNosNcEIs SOLICITED
FROM EVERY SECTION REGARD GsAN0 Amy PENSION
MILITARY, AGRICULTURAL INDUSTRIAL IND HOUSEHoLo NAT
TERs AND LETTERS TO The EDlToR WILL ALWAYS RECEIVE
PROMPT ATTENTION. WRITE ON ONE SIDE OF The Paper
ONLY
RB- ADVERTISING RkTES.-WbNTs TEA AGATE uINE)
10 CTS THREE LINES IS CTS OTHER TRANSIENT ADVERTISING
20 CENTS PEA LINE THIRTEEN INSERTIONS 10 CENT. DIS
COUNT; TwEHrY-sM INSERTIONS 20 Pss CENT. DISCOUNT
FFrYTwo INSERTIONS go FEa CENT DISCOUNT. ADDRESS AL
LETTERS
The NATIONAL TRIBUNE,
6f5 FIFTEENTH ST., WASHINGTON, D. c.
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
Omclnl History of tho VAR.

TIE early volumes Of the official his
tory Of the WAR of the Rebellion" ordered
by Congress, q notice of which appeared in
TIE NATIONAL TRIBUNE of September %,
are exhausted, with the exception of few
copies held by book. dealers, who have adj
vanced the price to two or three dollars per
volume. ThsIe are none in the hands Of the
Government Printer As the plates are cleo
trotyped, it is possible Congress may order
an extra edition of these volumes, in which
case it would be well for soldiers who desire
to obtain this valuable work to leave their
names with the Representative Of their
Congressional district, and so secure the
work.
By the provisions of law passed ut the
last session the volumes will hereafter lie
placed in the hands of the Adjutant General
Of the Army, who viii distribute them upon
orders given by Senators and Representa-
lives in Congress.
The acquisition Of these books by the
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
The Siege of Knoxville.

The opening of this important chapter in
the history of the War of the Rebellion
brings into prominent notice the strength OF
the contending forces
A map of the Valley of the Tennessee
taken from a Typographical map at Army
Headquarters and engraved expressly to ac-
company this article, will enable the reader to
follow the movements of the troops of both
armies.
A description of the mastery movement
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

II viii be ser-u 10y reference 10 our New
York correspondence, this week, that our
Grand Army comrades in that DepaI tment
have determined to take the bull by the
horns, and tomorrow evening will hold a
mass meeting to initiate proceedings with a
view to preventing any Discrimination
against the members Of the Order and our
veterans generally in appointments to public
Office. This action has been prompted by
the frequent occurrence of fragrant violations,
both in letter and spirit of the following
sections of the Revised Statutes:
"SEC. 1854. Persons honorably discharged
from the military or naval service by reason
of disability resulting from wounds or sick
ness incurred in the line of duty, shall be
preferred for appointments to ci&il offices,
provided they are found to possess the bust
ness capacity necessary for the proper dis
charge of the duties Of such Offices"
PROYIso TO SEC. 3, CHAP. 287.
"That in making any reduction of force
In any of the executive Departments, the
head of such Department shall retain these
persons, who may be equally qualified, who
have been honOrabIy discharged from the
military or naval service of the United
States, and the widows and orphans of de-
ceased soldiers and sailors"
We are glad to see that the members of
the Grand Army know their rights, and,
knowing, dare maintain"
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

of months which he served in the army by
eight and one-third dollars, and subtract
from that total the amount of bounty actu-
llyreceived from the United States. Every
one of our readers can thus figure out for
himself the exact extent to which he will
be benefited by the bill
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE WASHINGTON c. THURSDAY

of General Wilcox from Bulls Gap, across
two rivers and two ranges of mountains,
to Cumberland Gap, thus affording to Gen
eral Burnside strong support in his rear,
occupies the greater portion of the present
number.
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

COMRADES who receive sample copies of
this weeks issue Of The NATIONAL TRIB-
UNE should take special pains to put them
in the hands OF such of their ex-soIdiers as
have not as yet enrolled themselves among
our subscribers. Let no veteran escape!
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
TIE NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
WASHINGTON, D. c., OCTOBER u, 1852.

The number Of nelC subscribers TO THE Ma
TIoNAL TRIBUNE received during the 'rcck
ending yesterday, October 11th, acas nine han
dred and Sercnty-Sercn (977).
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
(ESTABLiSH6D 1879

To CARE FoR HIN WHO HAS BORNE TAG BATTLE, AND FOR
MS WIDOW AID ORPHANS. ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
Use VALIDITY OF THE PUBIC DEsT OF TIE UNITED
STATES, AUTHORIZED LAW INCLUDING DEETS INCURRED FoR
PAYMENT PENSIONS AND DCyNTus FOR SERVICES ~ SUP
PRESSING INSURFECTON REBELLION, sealL NOT eE CUES
ToNgo'-Ssc :, ART. XIV, CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED
STATES.
CONSIDER IT THE kRtEsT FkPER DEVOTED TO THE INTER-
EsTs or TtE SOLDIER PUBLISHED TE COUNTRY. EARNESTLY
COMMEND AL ocaRAoEs OF TIT CsoEe."
PAUL VkNDEayooRT,
Co-.aAcEa-l.- CnLEE G A. r.
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

THE number of pension certificates issued
and signed for the week ending yesterday,
October 18th, was seven hundred and thirty
six (736).
The National tribune., 1882-10-12
Endorsed Personally and tally.

The following letter from Comrade Azel
/ Ames, Jr, the distinguished Surgeon-Gen-
eral of the Grand Army of the Republic,
personally and officially" endorsing THE
| NATIONAL TRIBUNE as entitled to the
| appreciation and support of all Grand Army
men and all Union soldiers and sailors"
speaks for itself:
OFFICE OF SURGFON-GENERAL,
- Pemberton square, Boston, Oct. 9, 1SS2
To the Editor NATIONAL TRIBUNE,
Washington, ID. =.
DEAR SIR: l have long been of the
conviction that n strong able, earnest, and
responsible paper devoted to the interests OF
the soldiers and sailors of cur late war for
the Union was a great and growing neces-
sity. l am in constant receipt of the several
publications which aim at occupying tins
Held and | have carefully examined them ali
from time TO time, anxious to know what
one was best entitled TO my support and
confidence, for believe that when a really
good thing is established all should rally to
it and make il strong, that it may thus he
able to meet the demands upon it. / have
satisfied myself that we of the Grand Army
=
organization or as individuals, we need than
in any other one of the several alluded to.
| What the soldiers want is a clean, courteous,
fearless paper that is authority on al matters
that relate to them-COrrect, reliable neWsy,
and well made up This | judge You aim
to be, and believe You will succeed If you
go on as you have begun; and l am glad TO
personally and officially endorse the action
of the past and present Commanders-in-Chief
in cordially approving THE TRIBUNE as
entitled TO the appreciation and support Of
all Grand Army men and all Union soldiers
aud sailors. Please send me THE TRIBUNE
from last January on, to my address, Wake
field, Mass. Fraternally, yours,
AZEL A1IEs, JR.,
Surgeon General.
The endorsements of Past COMMANDMENTS
Chief Merrill and the present Commander
in-Chief VanDcrvoort, to which General
Ames refers in his letter, are as follows:
The bold adcocacy Of THE NATIONAL
TRIBUNE Of the rights Of the soldier ELECTS a}y
hearty approval Keep on as goa haze began,
GBd dc not consider yoUr warf accomplished
uaiU crcyy soldier rho is entitled to q pension
rcccjrcs II. and erey soldiers 1rjd0'o and eCeyy
So'dicr'S ch3d are prOrjdcd for by tie GOrera-
mcnt lSigaed) GEO. S. MERRILL.
IcordioJy approve Of the endorsement gjren
bg Past COMMANDMENTS ChiCf Merrill TO THE
NATIONAL TRIBUNE. ! consider IL the ATTEST
paper dcrotc9 to the interests Of the soldier
pebijstcd IN the country IcGyNeS'y commend
it to al comrades Of the Ordcr.
(Signcd) PAUL YANDERyOoRT.
The National tribune., 1882-10-12

cordially approve Of the endorsement giren
by Past C0mmGa2er- in ChiCf Merrill TO THE
NATIONAL TRIBUNE. consider IL the ATTEST
paper dcrotcd to the interests Of the soldier
pebijsdcd IN the country / eGyReStiy commend
it to al comrades Of the Order.
(SigRCd) PAUL NANDERVOORT.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1882-12-29
THE FARGO ROW.

Newspapers Not Guilty of Contempt, But
They Musn't t Do 1t Again.
Especial Telegram to the Globe.
FARGO, D. T., Dec. 2S.-A few days ago
the county commissioners voted to oust
the sheriff from his apartments. The lat
ter declined to go, stating that he was en-
titled to the position he occupied. The
commissioners then cut his board bill
down from IS to so cents prison
er per day. The sheriff refused this offer.
The grand jury noNh session investigat-
ed and reported in favor of the old rate,
and to-day the board reconsidered, and
made the board IS cents per day. The
Republican and Post have seen fit to de-
nounce certain members of the grand
jury because they we're investigating
some of their friends. The jury appealed
to the court and to-day bench warrants
were issued for DR.. Hall, of the Republican
and w. N. Potter of the Post and they
were brought before Judge Hudson. He
stated that he deprecated their course, and
upon then stating that no contempt Of
court was intended, he dismissed, warning
them, however net to repeat the ofenss.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1882-12-29
no. 1863
OSCAR DONE FOR

The Acsthetic Poet Roped in BY Blu co
Steerers--He Saves His Bacon by Stopping
Payment Of q Check.
New YoRK, Dec. 28.-Capt. Williams
has verified the story that Oscar Wilde was
taken in by bunco steerers. The captain
says: Two weeks ago Osca- Wilde, while
walking up Broadway near Union square
was accosted by hatchet-faced young
man who introduced himself as a son of
Dzexel, the banker. Ashe had seen the poet
in bis fathers Office he took the liberty, etc.
Wilde was delighted, he had been in the
Dre1ei banking Office, but did not remem
restaurant, where Mr.. Drexel ate as though
hungry, Wilde remembered this, and not
with an aesthetic smile, later in the day,
when informed by Capt. Williams that
''Mr. Drexel" was ssHungry joe" the noted
buHco steerer. During the meal Dre1 el
mentioned that he had won lottery prize.
and suggested that the poet accompany
him to get the. money. Oscar
did so. They went to house
on Fifteenth or Seventeenth street.
Several men were throwing dice. ssDrexel''
threw for the poet and won quite a sum.
Oscar was then persuaded to join in, and of
course began to lose. First it was $50
then 500 until, becoming excited over the
game, he played until he lost in all 81 ,06O.
he signed check on the Madison Square
bank for the amount, rushed into the street,
Jumped into cab, and drove rapidly to
the bank when he stopped payment. The
check was later returned toCapt. Williams.
In the rogues' gallery, Oscar picked out
the picture of his friend and companion
Mr.. Dre1el" alias hungry Joe."