Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1882-07-31

Deep down together mid the tangled weeds?
Give US cheaper postage. We hate to
spend three cents in dunning man when
we are morally certain that we won't re-
aliZe cent on the investment.
A New York judge has ruled that if a
marriage does not take place within a
year after the proposal, the engagement
is not obligatory. A wise decision. One
year is long enough to burn the old mans
coal and gas after popping" The Judge
evidently has couple of 'sengaged"
daughters.
A gentleman, recently, about to pay his
doctors bill, said "Well, doctor, as my
little boy gave the measles to all my
neighbors' children, and as they were at
tended by you, think you can afford, at
the very least, to deduct ten per cent
from the amount of my bill for the in
crease of business we gave you"
An old peasant on the south shore of
Long Island was telling his visitor how
pleasant it was. "But," asked the friend,
slapping his face with his handkerchief.
''don't you have great many mosquitoes
and sand f1ies?" ''Ya-as,'' said the man !;
''but then we sorter like en- ''How can
that be?" "Wa-al, you see, we feel so
kinder good when they go away"
''This is a funny doctrine! J" exclaimed
Brown, who had been reading metempsy-
Ghosts. 1.-THE idea Of a human soul en-
tering the body of an animal! According
to this doctrine, my soul, after 1 get
through with it, may inhabit the body of
jackass?" 'tAnd why not?" asked Fogg,
demurely. 'It would certainly feel more
at home there than anywhere else"
"That carpet" said dealer to an old
farmer the other day, "that carpet is one
dollar thirty-fve per yard; but, seeing it's
you, you can have it for one dollar twen-
ty." While he was cutting it off the far
mer proudly said to his wife: 'I never
met him before, but you see he takes me
for some big man. Now, then, Marian,
see what 'tis to have husband who looks
smartish.''
Judge, severely: elbow do you know
the defendant is married man? Were
you ever at his house?" "No, SIR" ''Did
anybody ever tell you they were married?"
''No, sir; but when 1 see a man and
woman come to the same church regular
ly for three years, occupy the same pew,
and have hymn book apiece to sing out
| of, can swear to their relation all the
| time" Verdict for the plaintiff.
A commercial traveller, who is some
thing of wag, thus relates his exper-
fence. He and his companion were the
sole occupants of the smoking-car. They
| tried to converse but the road was SO
rough they were pitched from side to
side like ships passengers. At last they
were able to make each other understand
One said, "Dan, the old thing is running
smoother" To which Dan replied, eyes,
I guess she's off the track
sWhat is the devil?" asked an Austir
Sunday-school teacher of the new boy
who was quite small. 'I don't know
what it is, but it can't run as fast as my
pa can" elbow do you know that tn,
devil can't run fast?" Because / hear(
pa say he always catches the devil whel
he comes home late at night from tn,
lodge. reckon I'll be able to catch it
too, when get as big as pa" 'I've NJ
doubt OF it," remarked the teacher with
sigh.
ssI have called, madam" said Parsol
Midway, ''to see if you have ever ha,
any conversation with your son Samue
about religious Matters" ''N-no, 1 cam
say that 1 have" was the reply. "Thel
he has no conception of the joys of heav
en-" "Oh, land sakes Sam has sue
natural good spirits that he'd be happ
anywhere. I don't worry about him.
With a look of horror that turned hi
white necktie blue, the parson strolle
down to call on the secretary of the sew
ing society.
A Scotch minister one Sunday observe
many of the congregation nodding an
asleep. He resolved to wake them, an
took his measures accordingly. AS b
went on in his discourse, he introduce
the word 'hyperbolical,' and then
made dead pause; after which he sai(
'sNow, my friends, some of you may nc
understand this word hyperbolical. L
explain it. Suppose 1 were to say ths
this congregation were all asleep at th
present moment, I should be speakin
hyperbolically, because"-here he locke
around-'I don't believe that more tina
one-half of you are sleeping" Before /
had finished his spicy reprimand the
were all wide awake.