davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
COMIC COMMENTS.

He" Why do you persist in MOVING
away from me SO far, dear cousin?" She
Oh, for distant relative it seems to ma
you are near enough already -Faegend
BLatter
After the funeral: Farmer-"Ah. well.
we've buried good man when we buried
poor Wuzzel. Howsomever, yer can't gel
no good out o the ground 'thout you put
some good in. London Fun.
"A good reason: Irish witness (for the
defense)-"Is it myself that understands
the nature of an oath /? Fax, and I ought
to; haven't been twice tried for perjury
aud convicted Moonslsaae.
Improved: Says Fogg-ss Parson Jones'
sermons give me great deal more pleasure
than they used tor Indeed" replied
Brown, inquiringly Yes,p added Fogg;
IT don't go to hear them now. 49, Boston
Transcript
An old Scotchman attributes the disap-
pearance Of ghosts from the Scottish noors
TO the custom Of tea-drinking at social meet
ings. 1t requires Scotch whiskey on the top
OF old ale to enable a man to see q ghost
really worth talking about.
"A German shoemaker, having made a
pair of boots for a gentleman of whose f.
nancial integrity he had considerable doubt,
made the following reply to him when he
called for the articles: Der poots ish not
quite done, but der beel ish made out"
"A man who committed suicide in Phila-
delphia recently is reported as having been
unmarried and eccentric" The eccentrics
are chiefly bachelors. Nothing like mar
riage for knocking the eccentricity out of a
man, Cincinnati Saturday Night
Bad boys: Boys are so very careless
and impulsiye where their pleasures are con-
eerned. Two Brooklyn Juveniles were se-
verely punished last week for stoning their
mothers new bonnet, under the impression
TINT it was wasp's nest. Brooklyn Eagle
Duty before devotion: A preacher, who
in old times kept retail shop, was heard
one day to say to his shopman. "John,
have you watered your rum ?" "Yes."
g Have you sanded the brown sugar ?"
Yes" "Have you wet the tobacco ?"
!" Yes" "Then come to prayers '-Detroit
Free Press
General Fitzhugh Lee wrote from Rich
mond to the Committee on Invitations
!" Greatly preferring the society of the so
ciety Of the Army of the Potomac in 1882
to the society of the Army of the Potomac
from 1861 to 1866, regret that it will not
be in my power to be present at their re-
union in Detroit ON the 18th and 10Th in
slant"
Nature is always providing her compen-
sations. just as beef is so high that Bar
NUNS giant, Captain Bates, can hardly reach
it, bed of hard CLAIMS, two miles long, has
been discovered in Long Island Sound. AS
If Providence meant to signify that this was
to make up for the scarcity of beef, the clama
are deposited in Cow Bay.-Detroit Free
Press.
Matrimonial: The custom of heading
marriage notices with the names of the con
tracing parties asRagatsa by A daah, soWe,
stance, contemporary had, few weeks
ago: Birch--Twiggs," Bull-Rush,o
Price-Gift and 'Cawte--G Cold. Port.
Ed,d Argus.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
FRUIT ON THE PACIFIC COAST.
Pear Orchard that Pays Four Hnndre,
and Fifty Dollars an Acre.


Mr.. Mills, the editor of the Sacramento
Record Union and the President of the Cali
fornia Associated Press, during long ride
around Sacramento took me to see a Sacra-
mento Valley peach orchard There are
millions of acres in the valleys of the Sacra-
mento, San Joaquin, Yuba and Feather
rivers, where splendid crops are raised with
out irrigation. There is no rain, but still the
ground is constantly moist from scepage
The Yuba, Sacramento and Feather rivers are
several feet above the surrounding farms
caused by the debris from the hydraulic
mines in the mountains. The loyee holds
them up above the farms.
The pear orchard visited has twenty acres
in it. There are It's trees to the acre. 1t is
four years old. Last year the trees paid the
owner $3.50 a tree and nearly $3.50 an acre.
In few years each tree will pay $40 The
weed is to be seen. Every fall the top of
every pear limb is cut off eighteen inches to
keep the tree down. All California grape
vines are cut down in the fall to one main
stem with few stub limbs at the top. The
vines thus stand alone.
Cinnamon do all the work in these grape
and pear orchards. They cultivate the trees,
trim them and pick the fruit. They are
patient, honest farm laborers. The univer-
sal California verdict is that Chinaman
works as well when you are not Watching
him as when your eyes are n. They
never stop working until tn, ). is DONE
:" had piece of work to be done,n said
Mr.. Mills, "where l could test the China
mans faithfulness. first employed good
negro for two weeks at $l5. At the end of
that time employeda Chinaman afternoons
for two weeks to do the same work. found
the Chinaman did more work during the
afternoons he worked, and for which paid
him s. so, than the negro did during the
entire two weeks time, and for which paid
him $15."
The Pacinc Coast needs labor. Hops are
splendid crop here, but they can get no one
to pick them. Fruit pays splendidly but
it takes the subtle Chinaman to pick it.
Still, if the Chinaman sends 800 out of every
800 that he earns back to China, of what
use is he to the State? His days work, for
which he gets ST. may make 50 worth of
wealth. He may make 81 worth of pears,
or hops, or wheat. What then? We con-
sumo the wealth, and the 81 margin goes to
China. We want immigrants who will assim-
ilate-who will become part of u.s. We do
not let our nation out MS pasture ground.
The Chinaman's blood can never mix with
ours. He can never be an American. There.
fore say he is not desirable immigrant.
He will do us no good He is not much
better than an African or an Adrian immi.
grant would be. = Chicago Tribune.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
A FILTRATION,

Yes, I've been here week. I've had just one
Filtration, and already 1t is DONE
The gentleman was Mr.. Harry May;
We happened to arrive the self-same day.
We got acquainted, had quiet talk,
And, IN the evening, took a pleasant walk
He came as an advance guard, so TO speak,
Said Mrs. May was coming down next week
When he said that vowed my lady fine
Should find him kneellng at another shrine.
TO fiirt with single fellows is a bore,
Unless they've other sweethearts to make sore,
But when you chance TO catch married one.
TO fllrt is naughty. Then It's lots of fun,
Especially If you can make his wife
SO Jealous that she's very tired of life.
Well during this past week played each card
To capture him. never tried so hard
To make mash. And great was my success.
He won't get over 1t for years, guess
And was in the height of ecstacy
To think how angry Mrs May would be.
Tonight she came, and was all prepared
10 show her she was hated Somewhat scared
At what might happen though was, own,
let him meet her at the stage, alone.
And II was after tea an hour or two
Before he took me to an interview
never was so mad in all my life
The lady was his mother, not bis wife
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
THE BURSTING OF THE MONSOON.

The brief message which reached us day
Or two ago from Bombay" the monsoon
has burst n-has meaning in it which only
those who have lived in India can fully un-
derstand. On the regular burstingn of
the monsoon the very existence of the PEG.
pie of India may be said to depend But
perish under its glazing sun and during the
early days of June Anglo-Indians look anx-
iously for the brief announcement of its
coming The southwest monsoon sets in
generally toward the end of April, the steady
wind sweeping up from the Indian Ocean
and carrying with it dense volumes of vapor,
which slowly collect in dark masses of cloud
as they approach the continent From Adj
ANS Peak in the Isle of Spices, right along
the Eastern and Western Ghauts and the
Nilgiris, every hilltop is gradually shrouded
in mist, instead of standing out clear and
sharp against the sky. Darker and denscr
become the cloud masses the horizon as
sumes a heavy leaden appearance, some
times kindling into lurid glare answering
to the sedse of oppression, both mental and
physical, which accompanies it. The atmos-
phere becomes "close" and oppressive alike
to man and beast but the heat is borne
with patience, for relief is at hand. Flash
es of lightning play from cloud to cloud, and
heavy thunder reverberates through the
heavens the wind suddenly springs up into
tempest and along the shore the white
waves are tossed in foam against the rocks
or over the burning sand. Then few
great heavy drops of rain fall like balls of
lead from the apparently leaden sky the
forked lightning is changed to sheets of
light, and suddenly the food gates of heaven
are opened and not rain, but sheets of wal
ter, are poured forth, refreshing the parched
earth, carrying fertility over the surface of
the country, filling the wells and natural
reservoirs with fresh store, and replenish-
ing the dwindling rivers and streams. The
whole earth seems suddenly recalled to life.
Vegetation may almost be seen to grow, and
from the baked mud of the river-banks
emerge countless fishes, which for weeks or
months before have lain there in torpor.
The phenomena of the bursting of the mon
soon are repeated from hilltop to hilltop,
till the whole country, from Cape Comorin
to Bombay and the great plains beyond, is
similarly visited. Then follows q period of
comparative repose, during which the vel
come rains continue to fall, with but short
intervals, for three or four months, invigor-
ating and refreshing all things. Jamess
G0seffe
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
CRIME AND THE SEXES,


The Paris police returns for 1881 furnish
number of interesting facts as to the dis.
tribution of crime between the sexes and
among different nationalities and ocoupa-
tons. OF the whole number of persons con.
vieted 10000 were of the male sex and 5000
of the female sex. or the former three in
eight were minors, and of the hitter only one
in five was under age. The English colony
contributed eighty-fve arrests, the German
277 the italian 600 and the Belgian nearly
800. Unfortunately the returns do not show
what numerical proportions these colonies
bear to one another and to the native popu-
lation. About 1900 of the offences COM
mitted are included under the title "vaga-
bondage;" nearly 6,000 under the title
rebellion" or refractory and disorderly
conduct, and $3.50 were thefts of all des.
criptions. The trades which contributed
most largely to the army Of criminals were
those of masons, painters, jewellers, and
seamstrosses, The butchers furnished 3S7
conyicts and the bakers only col; the cab.
drivers 1855, wlns-sellcrs 1000, domestic
servants 1000, cooks $50, aud proprletora"
only 90.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
THE NEWER ARITHMETIC.
Pertinent coalmdrams for Old and You


James has six apples and divides one
among his five brothers and sisters. How
many has he left /?
II farmer can NOV six acres of grass in
one day, how many liars will it take to NOW
thirty eight acres of grass in three dayss
guest Mt the hotel pays the porter twenty
five cents to take his trunk up stairs; ten
cents to a colored boy to bring him pitcher
of water twenty-five cents to the waiter to
bring his dinner twenty five cents further to
the porter to get his trunk down stairs fifty
cents to the omnibus driver, and So to the
landlord as the regular rate of the house.
How much has he been swindled, and what is
he going to do about it9
Alcoal dealer has o driver weighing 1855
pounds, who is weighed with 750 loads of
coal during the Winter, what would ha, .
been the gain to the consumers had the
driver only weighed 40 pounds?
If policeman on night duty sleeps an
hour and half each night for thirteen years,
how many years of such arduous labor will
1t take to reduce him to walking skeleton
In each county in the United States are
seventy inhabitants who believe they would
make good State Governors OF this num-
Der only 9 per cent. ever get TO be even a
constable. What is the exact number of
constables, and how many law suits can
wide-awake officer provoke in a year?
A grocer has horse which he asserts can
trot mile in 2.40 He puts him on the track
under a watch and finds his best gait to be
1928. What was the difference between the
grocers estimate and the watch, and why
did he wallop the poor horse all the way
homer
father at his death left S12, 500 for the
benefit of his only son, fourteen years, eight
months, and twelve days old, the money to
be paid him when twenty-one years of age,
with interest at 6 per cent How much
money did the lawyers leave for the boy?
A merchant who has stock valued at
SIS, 900 advertises that he will dispose of il at
one-fourth off. How much does he make !?
citizen has a COW which gives six quarts
of milk per day, while his sales foot up nine
quarts. There is nothing for the student to
find in this case. Simply turn on the water
grocer buys a chest of ten weighing
eighty pounds He sells twenty-seven
pounds of il as "my unapproachable sixty
cent tea, and the remainder as our SPLEEN
did forty cent 0olong." How much did he
receive in all and how much did he have to
give to the heather ttat year to quiet his
consciences
A plumber who does sixteen cents worth
of repairing desires to charge for four pounds
of solder in his bill Please suggest how it
can be done without injury to his system. -
DtLrD,I Free Press
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
POETRY.
mARRrEp-DIED.

In the columns side by side
Stand the captions, Married, Died,
What fine irony Is this
That Shades with death our nuptial bltsss
The kiss of death, of blushing bride,
Sarcastic blend Unmarried, Died.
ThrobDing breast Of hearts that bleed,
fearful, bright or duh eyes read
Lines whose message Is not clear,
Blurred and broken through tear:
LILY fingers, hand OF age,
Trace the lines along the page;
Death and Cupid, side by side,
Sport with man Unmarried, Died.
Here requiem, there song,
Blend and roll their notes along;
village bells, that ring or toll,
Greet glad or passing soul.
To the chancel call the crowd,
Clad in satin, gown or shroud
To the church we twice may ride;
Heed the headings-Married, Died.
Hoist the anchor, sail away;
Summer winds or sunlit bay
Lure thee DER the outer bar,
Where the white-capped breakers are:
Staunch thy painted shallop be,
Strong to ride life's restless sea;
God shall rule the surging tide
That laps the shores OF Married, Died.
Orange blossoms, ripened wheat,
Sprigs of rue, or lilies sweet;
Curls OF gold, or locks Of snow:
Wedding robes, or CARDS of woe:
Hands In loving hands to rest,
Or folded lie on pulseless breast
Who shall blooms and fruit divide.
So near the stories, Married, Died.
ATLANTA Constitution.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
How He Losr HIS cnop.-A few dovs age

How He LOST HIS CRop.-A few days ago
farmer from the country was in Sumter,
Ca, clothing store and the dealer had tried
IN vain to sell him suit OF clothes; failing
in this, he then tried to sell him straw hat
cheap as picking it up in the road" Ihe
countryman looked at the hat, remarking
"Well, that is cheap enough, but it would
be dear to me if you would gin it to me-"
"How's that ?" said Raiford. "You see, /
had straw hat once and when was at
work it would just jump of every time the
wind bowed and had to run myself nearly
to death to ketch it, So you see run every
bit of my time away and lost my crop runnin'
arter my hat. just took it to the house in
the Fall and crawled under my bed and put
two fiatirons on the dinged old thing and
toldit to stay thar and it's thar yit"-- Sum
ter Republican,.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
THE CASUALTIES OF WAR.


The official history of the Franco Prussian
war has just been completed and contains q
long array of statistics which afford compre-
hensive details of the size and losses of the
opposing forces in the great and sanguinary
struggle. The victorious German Army, ac-
cording to this record, consisted of l,451,
944 privates and A, 420 officers, of which
enormous force SO, 101 officers and L, 113, 254
privates took active part in the battles
During the interval of the armistice the Ger
man forces in France were restored to the
full war force, and ON March /, 1871, there
were on French soil 1923, GAS Germans which
number also included non-combatants At
this time, when the total armed German for
ces amounted to 1850, 40s men, the availa-
able French soldiery only reached total of
25l, 900 men fit for field service. The loss
of the German Army was 6,247 officers and
1913, 453 of the private ranks. OF this vast
sacriicial list II, 572 died on the field of bat
tie, 1910 died from the effects of wounds
received; 316 were accidentally killed, and
80 committed suicide. Diseases of various
kinds, chiefly typhus, carried off 2, 253, thus
limiting the number who died natural deaths
to only 80 per cent of the whole list of the
persisted 1t is reported that the full losses
of the French Army during their disastrous
engagements can never be accurately known,
and the record just published indicates only
the number of prisoners of war made by the
victors. Up to February, 1871, 1850
Erapnb offtoarc a,I OIL QQ1 ,.xn., x,a~. tal-o.,
to Germany as prisoners and, on the capt.
ulation of Paris, 1856 officers and PAL, CSC
men surrendered, further swelling the long
list of prisoners. OF the remainder of the
beaten crmy, 2,191 officers and SS,3S7 men
had crossed the Swiss frontier, leaving
grand total of 21,50S officers and 702, 054
men surrendered to the Germans There
were captured by the latter 107 flags and
eagles 1915 field guns and mitrailleuses,
5,526 siege and heavy guns, and 855, 900
small arms. The German Sanitary Service
during the campaign enlisted the services of
7,022 surgeons and physicians, 1886 hospit-
al assistants, IL, 707 nurses, 1900 sick bear.
ers, COG apothecaries, with 254 assistants,
and / 1909 hospital officials. All these were
exclusive Of the 523 ofieera and 1898 men
of the train and ambulance service, who in
creased the total Sanitary Corps to 46,9b5
persons. Tho volunteer force of nurses and
surgeons who worked in Germany added the
services of / 300 more persons to this large
staff of regular sanitary forces. The field
hospitals received $4,000 patients during
the period of hosti]ities, and s12,021 mon
wore treated at the PRESERVE 4" hospitals and
depots, which numbered in all 365.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
YOUNG OIL TOWN.

Perhaps your readers may want to know
what a new oil town such as Farnsworth
looks like. Imagine an old plank road run
ming along level place ON top of hill.
On ape side tbia BIZ Che rail- fence
and COW pasture partly overgrown with
stunted chestnut and oak brush. Another
plank road starts off at the right angles to
the one mentioned above and runs down
the hill through an old hemlock slashing,
while blaekened trees and logs and green
blackberry bushes are the principle features
of the landscape. On one corner where the
roads join, and in the COW pasture spoken OF
above, stands long tent. On its front is
Bakery and pies" Opposite in the woods
are two rough board houses, one being used
rs beer bottling establishment where beer
Is sold by the bottle and drank OFF the prem
ises, the other ageneral establishment where
surveyors, sewing machine agents and real
estate dealers have offices, and which is
lodging house at night. Near by is the
foundation for a board shanty. Now i'm
agine these roads filled as far as you can see
in either direction with teams and wagons
loaded with lumber, engines, cables, house
hold goods, boilers, casing, tubing, furniture,
provisions, rig irons and old tanks, aud the
woods and COW pasture crowded with men
eating, drinking, sleeping, bargaining, buy
ing, selling and loafng, and you have an
idea of Farnsworth az it looks to-day. Out
of the road which winds up through the
hemlock slashing comes steady stream Of
teams the whole day long. With the excep-
ton of the hacks they all seem to be coming
and none going. Try to drive down that
road to Sheffield, distance of eight miles,
and it is probable you will be delayed an
hour or more along the route waiting for
teams TO pass, Transfers get good wages
They charge $40 thousand for hauling
lumber, and not less then $40 day Cor
gesp0adent I'ittsbu7g Commercial G0sette
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18

PLAYING BARN-YARp.-One day Billy and
Sammy were playing in mud-hole and Billy
said; Now, Sammy, less play We was q
barn-yard. You be the pig and lie down
and waller, I'll bs a bull and heller like
everything" So they got down on their
hands and knees, and Sammy he went into
the mud and wallowed, while Billy beloved
like distant thunder. Bye-and-bye Sammy
came up muddy-you never saw such
muddy little fellow--and he said. Nov
you be pig and let me heller" But Billy
said: 81 amt very good pig, except at
dinner, and it'll be time huff for you to bel
Ter when your mother sees your close."-
NSso Hagen Journal.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18


New ORDER OF THE GAhTER. Colonel Alb.
Dorsey caught little garter snake in his garden
yesterday, and after combining the reptile in
box handed i! to a well-known gentleman
as specimen of his wheat crop. Upon
opening the box the party threw it on the
pavement, swearing it was snake; but the
bystanders insisted that it was but a head OF
wheat, and picking up his snakeship proved
by the crowd that such was the case.
"Well," remarked the victim with shud-
der, "that's either snake or I've got the
jim jams again. / don't want to dispute
you gentlemen's word, but I feel it is about
time for me to swear off," We noticed our
friend later in the evening with blue rib
bon pinned on the lapel of his coat
Athens (Ga.) Banner.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18

A SLIM PROSPECT. Some old philosopher
once observed that :" the sea will settle when
il marries." Then the sea is not like mar
unless il marries rich. II q man can't set
tie before he marries, the prospects of his
doing so when he increases his expenses by
taking wife are very slim indeed. Nor.
ristop7s Herald.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
Heartily Recommended.

Don't condemn good thing because
You have been deceived by worthless nos
trums. Parker's Ginger Tonic has cured
many in this section of nervous disorders,
and we commend it heartily to such suf-
ferers .-Necs.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18

Gray hairs often cause annoyance,
which Parker's Hair Balsam prevents by
restoring the youthful color.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1882-10-18
A CANINE Misn R.

INSTANCES OF canine economy are by no
means raro but the account OF dog-miser
Ii, 30 fur as our records extend, unique.
Dandie, the animal referred to- was Now.
foundland dog belonging to gentleman IN
Edinburgh. II frequently had money given
TO 1t because, besides other interesting signs
of sagacity, it would 60 to tho bakers and
buy its own bread But Dandle received
more money than his moods called for, and 80
he took to boarding IL. This his master dis.
covered in consequences of the dog appearing
one day with breakfast-ron when it was
known that no ono had given IL any money.
Suspicion aroused, search was made In the
room where the dog slept Dandie appeared
quito unconcerned until his bed was APP
preached, when he seized the servant by her
gown and tried to drag her away, and be.
came so violent that his master had to hold
him. Seyenpence- halfpenny was found hid
den In his bed. Dandie did not forego his
saving propensities even after this but he
exhibited O great dislike afterward for the
seryan. who had discovered his hoard, and
In future was careful to select different
place OF aoneealnsat. --Chansbers JousaaL