The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1882-11-18
SHARK Twain" CultiVates MuscIe-HOy
He Was Misunderstood.


The genial humorist who sits up alone
on the peak OF East Hill, aud from his
elevated perch looks down upon Elmira
for his inspiration in counting the comic
muse. has been somewhat out of health
this summer. Notwithstanding the fact
that he located lis book factory six hun
dred feet above the city in order to ac-
compliSh his bibulous paradox of being
high and dry at the same time, vet he
discovered that the pains and aches OF
malarial disturbance occasionally afflict
him full sore, reminding him Of therfogs
and marshes of the Connecticut valleys
from which he recently took flight Sit
ting one day at his study window, nurs-
inc little rheumatism. gazing far away
over the peaceful city lying below him,
and wondering whether there was one
man within its limits who could knock
the spots off him on game of billiards,
he was interrupted by the arrival of the
family physician, who called to make a
friendly visit. Into his sympathetic ear
was poured the tale of the humorist' S
woes, and after a moments consultation
he remarked, Clemens what you need
is cXercisen With look of gentle re-
proach, which soon changed to anxious
innocence, the hero of many an expert
ence of roughing it Tin pictures,) and
tramps at homo and abroad Con paper
made reply; "Well. that's right, that
all right, but who's going to do it for
me? You sec, he continued, 1.-THE men
on the place are all busy and the chill
dren amt big enough to accomplish
ANYTHING, and" You must do it
yourself!' was the professional stop put
to the demur. DO it myself? How in
thunder do you expect-why, what can
! do' There amt good poker player
on this hill, and the hammock broke
down yesterday, so can't use that"
"No, no. interrupted the doctor, you
must have active eXertive exercise; some
thing that looks like work, you know.
You can walk down town or swing
dumb-bells, or chop wood, Or" 'tHold
on, you We struck it," exclaimed Mark.
"Tll chop wood ''BeSt thing YOU can
do said the doctor, as he look his leave.
at brings into play so many varied
muscles, expands the chest, deepens the
inspiration and superinduces a more
bountiful oxygenation by the beautiful
process of endos nosts and exosmOsia,
and hence the red corpuscles-"
Here, have cigar" said Twain,
pushing box before him, land let up
on Moses" You mustn't smoke, you
know" the doctor said as he picked out
aweed. "O!no, I've stopped smoking"
as he carefully placed sheet of copy
paper over three old stumps and brier
pipe; II found that it disagreed with my
family long ago" The doctor departed,
and Clemens, with the glow of renewed
health already shining in anticipation on
his brow, took one of the farm hands
from the harvest field and sent him to
town after new AK. He returned with
the tool, bri6ht-bladed, sharp-edged, and
spent twenty minutes trying to explain
to the bewildered author why the handle
was made crooked, and that the red
label was only intended to advertise the
makers name. "Well, but didn't they
send any directions with itP'' was the
anxious inquiry. 'How do you suppose
an inexperienced person can load and
fire that thing without rules?' Finally,
thinking he had the hang of the thing,
Clemens had the man hitch up and drive
him up the road about mile to piece
of woods, the AK carefully wrapped in an
old coat so that no one should be hurt by
it. The members of the family went
with him to look for flowers and berries
while he chopped, Arriving at the de-
sired spot he carefully took out the Ak,
unwrapped the old coat, and laid the
tool down beside the stump of dead
pine. The family wandered away,
picked one or two flowers, and then
fastened back, as they heard him shout
ing their names. I've done enough
for today he said, as they came near.
They saw four blisters on his hands and
a piece of new leather shining on one OF
his boots, but no wood lying around.
However, they said nothing, and went
home, the hired man carrying the AK.
That evening, sitting on the piazza,
applying arnica to his hands, he said
cts hard work, but I'm going to keep
it up! It's splendid exercise, and just
see how it has built up other great men
Why, You know, Greeley prolonged his
life many years by chopping at Chappa
qua, and Gladstones alive vet and max,
ing things hot in Egypt only by reason
of the beneficial results of an hour
chopping every day. You just wait {
month and see me! I'll be able to fight
Tug Wilson and row Courtney and out
talk Beechcr."
All this was several weeks ago. Only
a few days since Clemens noticed hi,
new axe lying where he had left it on hi:
return from his initial trip, its bright
ness changed to reproachful rust. Con
science smote him. He would resume
exercise. He would attack anew the
mOnTchS of the forest. He would &C.
quire muscle. So he boldly marched fol
the same piece of woods and began CD
eratons on the old pine. But a few
minutes had elapsed before six-footeI
appeared before him, and the following
colloquy ensued: Now, you skin rich
out o here, dunn quick, young man
These is my woods, and you'll learn t,
let folkses property alone after In
through with ye! Git nowr' Searchin.
on his forehead for an imaginary bea,
of sweat. Twain glanced obviously a
the enraged bucolic, and said 'Well
wh-what-se ms-to--be-the matte
with you?" Matter, I'll show We, dun
ye! Tryin' to steal my woodr' 9 But
my good man, l dom want your wood!'
"Then what are you cutting it for?'
Why, for exercise, that's all. Tn