davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
A Murder Trial i'm 1900.
Brooklyn Eagle.

The 999th witness in the great spin
t-out-as-long- as-wc- can case took the
stand, and the lawyers proceeded to
torture him with the assistance of the
prisoner at the bar.
lawyer believe you are from
Southern China sir?
Witness-Yes, sir, and | wish to get
back as soon as possible.
Prisoner-What's the matter with
you, you gogged-eyed, cadaverous
reptile? Haven't you been paid $4,000
travelling expenses? Shut up, Mr.. Law
yer, Pm running this case, and | mean
to put this long-eared ass where he be-
longs at the start If you don't like
our style, you-big- boned son of the
East, you can take your soap and toddle
home Just as quick as you-please.
Judge-If the prisoner will allow the
Court to-
Prisoner-Shut up, Judge. 1 know
what I'm about. Who's running this
case, you or |? :,
Judge-Well, # the prisoner please,
should like to-
Prisoner-Now, Judge, how many
times during this trial have got to tell
you that we can get along without your
advice?
Lawyer-If the prisoner is through,
we will now proceed to examine the
witness.
Prisoner-Yes, for the present. |
will deliver my daily Grafton later.
lawyer am about to put the first
hypothetical question to the witness.
Those wishing to remain throughout
the delivery Of the question will find
excellent board and lodging at the ho-
tel opposit. The question will be de-
livercd in sections, and / think l can
manage to get through with it in the
course of the month.
Eighteen days after. Witnes still on
the stand:
Lawyer-And now, having heard the
first hypothetical question, what is your
opinion?
Prisoner-Oh, never mind his OPT
MON. He is nothing but a-pimple-
headed liar, and he might as well go
home and soak his feet. Judge, |
think it Is about time TO adjourn. Sup
pose we shut up shop for the day.
Judge-But beg to remind the pri-
soner that it is only 2 o'clock, and
Prisoner-Oh, what's the diff? I've
had enough of this racket for today,
and I don't want to see that-blasted
ass on the witness-stand tomorrow,
either. We must have up fresh MAJ.
He's to ancient.
Lawyer-But, begging the prisoners
pardon. / must remind him that the
witness has yet to answer our question.
Prisoner-It doesn't make bit of
| difference. He's all old fool and I'm
tired of him. Judge, are you or are you
not going to adjourn? d.
Judge-The court is adjourned until
what time shall say, prisoner?
Prisoner-Oh, well make it IL.
ELEVEN o'clock tomorrow
morning.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
f,nmfnrt for Nemsnaners

Many years ago, in one of the severe
winters when there was much hardship
among the poor, city paper suggested
that old newspapers, spread over the
bed, would form an excellent substi-
tute for blankets and coverlets. This
brought upon the journal great deal
of harmless ridicule from other papers,
but it brought comfort to many a poor
family. In the matter of bed-clothing,
especially, we are apt to associate
warmth with weight, and do not con-
slider that there is no warmth IN the
coverings themselves, but that they
merely prevent the heat of the body
from passing off. Whatever is poor
conductor of heat will make warm
covering. Paper itself is a poor con-
ductor, but still poorer are the thin
layers of air that are confined
when two or three newspapers are laid
upon one another. A few newspapers
laid over the bed will keep one much
warmer than some of the heavy, close
woven blankets. We do not propose
newspapers a substitute for blankets
and comforters, but is one of those
make-shifts that it is we'll to know. In
travelling one may, by the aid of few
papers, secure comfortable rest in
thinly-clad bed, and if we cannot afford
to give destitute family blanket or
a comforter, we may show them how
to increase the usefulness of their thin
coverings by stitching few layers of
between them. II may be
well to remind those who grow window
plants, that by removing them away
from the window, and arranging a
cover of newspaper over them, they
may be preserved from harm in severe
ly cold nights. With the plants as
with ourselves, it is not so much that
cold comes in, as that the heat goes of,
and often a slight protection viii pre-
vent the escape of Observation-Disclosures
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
A Model Calendar.

The valuable and artistic calendar is
sued by A. Vogeler & Co., the proprie-
tors of st. Jacobs Oil, is the finest pub
LEGATION of its kind issued. The cele-
brated business energy and hberality
which so distinguished this firm, are
prominent in this wonderful little book.
1t contains an unusual amount of in
formation, so ably classified and ar
ranged, as to prove of inestimable SER
vice. Its weather predictions have
been prepared by scientist who stands
first among meterologists. The en-
cravings, of which there are a profu-
sion, are unique and are worth pre-
serving. 1t is not simply a patent
medicine advertisement; it is, in every
sense, an instructive and handsome
publication. 1t will be sent postpaid 10
any address upon receipt of three
cent stamp, by A. Vogeler & Co., Balti-
more, Md.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
- -<b-----------
A Funny Bill from an Artist
SC. g." in Land and Water.

came across copy of a funny old
bill from painter sent to noble lord,
professed connoisseur and large col
lector of pictures. give the items
verbatim for the amusement of your
readers, from the copy, which reads
more like comic efusion than poor
mans claim for artistic work
To filling up the chink in the Red
Sea, and repairing the damages of Pha-
raoh's host.
To cleaning six of the Apostles,
and adding an entirely new Judas Isca-
riot.
To pair of new hands for Daniel in
the lions den, and set of teeth for
the lioness.
To an alteration in the Belief, mend
ing the Commandments, and making
new Lords Prayer.
To new vanishing Moses rod.
To repairing Nebuchadnezzar' beard.
To mending the pitcher of Rebecca.
To pair of ears for Balaam and
making a new tongue for the ass.
The renewing the picture of Sam
son in the character of fox-hunter,
and substituting whip for the fire.
brand.
To a new broom and bonnet for the
Witch of Enpor.
To sheet-anchor, a jury-mast and a
long-boat for Noah's ark.
To painting twenty-one new steps to
Jacobs ladder.
To mending the pillow-stone.
To adding some Scotch cattle to Pha-
raoh's lean kline.
To making new head for Holo-
fernes and cleansing Judiths hands.
To giving blush to the cheeks of
Eve on presenting the apple to Adam.
To painting Jezebel in the character
of huntsman taking flying leap
from the walls of Jericho.
TIC planting new city in the land of
Nod.
To painting a shoulder of mutton
and shin of beef in the mouths OF
two of the ravens feeding Elijah.
To an exact representation Of Noah
in the character of General reviewing
his troops, preparatory to their march,
with the dove dressed as an aide-de-
camp.
To painting Noah dressed in an Ad.
miral's uniform.
To painting Samson making a present
of his jaw-bone to the proprietors of the
British Museum.
To making the Congress of America,
as in 1884, and the Tower of Babel COM
panion prints.
To repairing Solomon's nose and
making new nail to his middle finger.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
His Honor and the Small Boy.

"Bub," said his honor, as he looked
over the desk down upon red-headed
rat of twelve, "do you expect to be
sent to the state prison for life?"
"Y-yith, thir," was the reply.
"Well, you'll get there if you keep
on. Don't you know that it is an awful
thing for boy like you to throw big
apple and hit an exalderman in the
left eyer
ut slipped, thir."
"How?"
II throwed it b-boy, an it went of
t'other way"
"Throwcd at boy, eh2 Suppose you
had killed the boy?"
"Yith, thir, I'd like to kill him. cause
he dubbed my dog"
His honor looked under the desk tor
an imaginary umbrella, and 1T was
long minute before he Strengthened up
and said:
"Yours is a serious case"
"Yith, thir.'
"You must be checked in your young
career. If you will assault an alder
man now, what wouldn't you do when
you are mani"
"Yith, thir, wouldn't"
81 don't want to send you 10 the
workhouse, and yet | feel that you
must be made to respect the law. BIZ
jah, hadn't you better take care OF this
boy?"
Biiah led him into the corridor and
shut the door. What passed there may
never be revealed. When the door was
opened the floor was strewn with pieces
of single, and the boy had gone
around the corner. Those who saw
him said that he looked ruffled from
the back of his neck down to his heels
and that he was in great hurry
Detroit Free Press.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
Physical Exercise

Physical exercise in some systematic
manner is duty we owe not merely
to our bodies, but to our whole nature.
1t will vitalize the blood, quicken the
energies, give firmness to the nerves
and lay foundation upon which we
may build wholesome and success
full life. Especially should care be
taken not to discourage the young in
their natural fondness for physical ex-
ercise. Many boys and girls have re-
linquished sports eminently fitted to
invigorate and strengthen them, and
which they thoroughly enjoyed, be-
cause of the sighting remarks of their
elders, and from fear of being thought
childish. We cannot estimate the evil
consequences that may follow when we
persuade young girl that good, hard
play is unladylike, or boy that 1t is
unmanly. On the contrary, such sports
should receive our most thorough re-
spect and most cordial sympathy. Not
to shorten but to prolong the time dur
ing which they may be suffered to pro-
mote health and happiness should be
our aim, and when the taste for them
declines our effort should be to replace
them by more congenial exercise, but
never to sink into physical inaction
ourselves, or to countenance 1t IN any
one over whom we exert an influence.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
Legends of the wedding. Ring.

Ii. the days well known to history as
"once upon time" certain noble
Roman youth was deeply engaged in
the excitement of game of ball. The
occasion was an important one to him,
for it was his wedding feast, but the
play made him careless of treasure
that he ought to have guarded with
the greatest affection. He took off his
wedding-ring and placed it upon the
finger of statue of Venus, to remain
there until he should want it again.
When, however, few hours after, he
wished to take it, he found to his dis
may that the stony hand had become
clenched, so that it was impossible to
remove the ring He now had to pay
the penalty of his rashness, for he was
constantly haunted by the figure, which
kept whispering in his ear: Embrace
me. / am Venus whom you have
welded | will never restore your
ring" The wretched youth continued
to be followed by this disagreeable
companion until, after much difficulty,
he was able, with the assistance of a
priest, to force the goddess to relinquish
the ring, and then was the young man
free. This legend is widely spread, and
has been popular under various forms;
In some of these the Virgin Mary takes
the place of Venus. and the owner Of
the ring having, by placing it upon the
finger of the statue, become the be-
trothed of the Virgin, is obliged to re-
nounce the world ard enter monas-
terry. In another version certain
priest, desiring to enter the married
state, seeks license from the pope,
who grants his request on condition
that he shall first conciliate St. Agnes,
who was the special preserver of vir-
ginal chastity, by placing on the finger
of her image an emerald ring, sent for
the purpose by the Sovereign Pontiff
himself. The priest does as he is di-
rected, and places the ring on the
fourth finger of the figure, but his as
constituent is great when the hand
which had been put forward to receive
the ring is returned to its original posi-
ton. Attempts to withdraw the ring
are Intellectual, and the unfortunate
priest realizes the disagreeable truth
that he is contracted to st. Agnes and
can marry no one else. These stories
are peculiarly interesting as exhibiting
the feeling which was universally en-
tertained in old times, that wedding
and betrothal rings possessed an inher-
ent and powerful value in themselves,
belief which still fingers in some
places.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23

That is, if you are poor man, and
have any "get up and get" in you. 1t
win require some nerve and pluck, to
be sure, to pull up stakes among your
neighbors and go out to form new social
relations among people you never
saw. But good people are everywhere,
and you will find your kind any place
you 90 in the world.
If you are a man of large means,
moving to a new country is no big mat
ter. You will miss many of the sharp
corners, and money viii make money,
as you know we'll enough. Nothing
succeeds like success. Money repre-
sents success and always finds the little
margins ofprofit. Sometimes it makes
those margins wider; sometimes too
wide, and takes it all for profit,
which is mean. A new country has
more of these chances than an older
country. Why? Because poor men
in going to new country forget the
rigid economies, or never had them at
home. And the first thing they knew,
the new systems and adaptations to the
new country, which they have failed to
learn and use, change all plans and ex-
pectations. Crops have missed two,
three or four times, and unless backed
by money they are busted.
Emigrating used to mean a great
deal more than it does now. A decent
man, now, to 60 to new country must
90 on the cars. Not second-class car,
either. 1t must be a chair car. Two or
three trips must be made to the rail-
road Office to secure six or eight chairs
together with the whole family. The
teams, wagons and furniture must go
by the cars. To them it looks like the
best way, but it is truly style, and ex-
pensive style at that, such as no poor
man should put on.
Then the emigrant must go to a
home near the railroad, and as near as
possible, to a tow a county seat il
possible, even 1, ne must go in debt
some ON his farm. Here is one of the
very surest means of fastening debt
upon man for life. A new country
has many lessons for a man to learn.
He is sure to follow the methods he
learned back at the old home of doing
things, and some of them do not suit
everywhere. Americans particularly
do not go slow until they learn. They
pitch in, hit or miss, they do not take
the blame on themselves, but leave it
all on Providence, (luck), or on the
country. While beside them are Dutch
men or Englishmen who are
considered poky, but really not only
stay, but make money, and are con-
tented and happy.
When it is necessary for poor man
to emigrate for the benefit of himself
and family, nothing is more necessary
than that he consider himself poor,
and come to bed rock on style and ex-
penses, and adopt the plan of pay as
he goes for everything. Better buy
forty acres and pay for it, than buy SIX
hundred and forty acres and pay hall
down. Better buy half as much land
as he can pay for, and have money to
put into stock raising, than risk every
thing on raising corn and wheat which
are uncertain. Risks are to be avoided
from every direction possible.
But of all the risks, don't risk ending
your days in the poorhouse, by staying
on other peoples land until you are toe
old to take the risks of new country,
where you can get home for yourself
and children. World.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23

through the air hundred yards or so,
and landed him in peach tree. Soon
after a friendly board from his own
house came floating by. This he seized
and placed over his head to protect
himself from the raging blast, and
finished his pie. 0st in Nevada, it has
been told that during gale, while boul-
ders as big as pumpkins were flying
through the air, and water-pipes being
ripped out of the ground, an old China
man, with spectacles on his nose, was
observed in the eastern part of the
town seated on knoll, calmly flying
his kite-an iron shutter, with a log
chain for tail. There was man from
Boston who would not confess astonish-
ment at anything he saw in Nevada.
AS he was passing hotel in Virginia
City the cap blew from one of the CHM
neys. 1t was circular piece of sheet
iron, painted black, slightly convex,
and the four supports were like legs.
The wind carried. it down the street, and
it went straddling along like living
thing. The Boston mar asked what it
was. ga bedbug from the hotel' was
the reply. by George, / never saw
anything like that" he began, and then
added, "outside of Boston,"
A party of miners in the Black Hills
compared eyes and ears over a camp
fire. One said: when l was coming
to the hills looked for Indians until |
could see mosquito mile away"
Another said that his eyes were weak,
but that he could hear gnats jumping
on the rocks four miles. The next man
had listened for Indians until he had
heard the mountain sheep light on
their horns in the Big Mountains, three
hundred miles away. The fourth,
with his head on his pillow, had
strained his ears until he heard the
Chinese mailing up tea boxes. The
fifth, in crossing the Rocky Mountains,
had found a petrified forest, the trees
had turned into solid stone. AS he
loitered on the edge, a deer started
across the valley and was transformed
in moment into solid stone. a bird
flew past him, and perching upon a
tree began to sing. Suddenly the bird
was changed to stone. The song she
was singing was also petrified, hanging
uOWH HUN Tic pCdh Vi tH6 ulIu-COlu,
cold stone.
A Yankee who had settled in the
West having told an Englishman that
he had shot on one particular occasion
500 pigeons, his interloctutor asked
why he did not make it thousand at
once. "No," said he, mot likely I'm
going to tell lie for one pigeon"
the Enghshman, deter
mined not to be outdone, began to tell
a long story of man having swan
from Liverpool to Boston. ''Did you
see him?" asked the Yankee. "Of
course did; was coming across and
our vessel passed him mile out of
Boston harbor." "WeI, I'm glad we
saw him stranger, COS yer a witness
that / did it. That was mep
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23

were very quiet. To them love was a
very solemn thing, and they were sol
emn lovers. And the wonderful, price
less moments went silently and swiftly
by.
Presently Alice said, as she looked
up in Arthur's face
"You are not going to continue your
walk to Hastings this week p
And he answered with smile:
"But, my dear, have pledged my
word of honor to do SO"
And l command you to break it.
Yes, and he did break it I; but none
of his friends brought it as an accusa-
tiou against him that for once in his
in his life he had broken his word of
honor,
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23

but withal one of the best lawyers in
the far west. He was trying case a
few years since before a Judge to whom
he took dislike. The judge was I'M
decided in his rulings; would change
his conclusions every time the opposite
lawyer would argue point When
Bradford came to talk to the jury he
took occasion to express his contempt.
Said he: "Gentl9men of the jury, the
indecision of this court reminds me of
the tabled ass that died between two
bundles Of straw for want Of decision. Z"
The court could stand this no longer.
Calling the attorney to order, he fined
him S. for contempt. With the cool
ness he is capable of, Bradford felt in
his pocket for moment, then produc-
ing 50, 90, said, in his peculiar intona-
tons of voice: "Your honor, | have but
half the amount. / will pay for the
straw, but let the ass stand"
One day a notorious horse-thief was
captured and brought into court to be
committed. While the examination
was in progress the prosecuting attor-
ney and the sheriff stepped to the door
to counsel. The thief seized the oppor-
tunity, and clasped in the 'squire's hand
$50 gold-piece, with the remarks
"Hold the case until dark; then dismis:
for error in the complaint 1t sets forth
that horse has been stolen, while the
evidence shows it was a mare" The
case went tripping along until the sun
had dropped behind the hills and dark
ness Swallowed the land. Then the
court raised the horse-and-mare ques-
ton, and dismissed the prisoner. Be
fore new complaint could be made
he was far away under cover of dark
ness. The squire then adjourned the
court and went straight home in high
glee. Arriving there, he clapped the
double sawbuck" over his eye and
went capering around the floor like
young colt. Supper being over, he re-
paired to the barn to feet his beast.
But, 10! she was gone. He had bogus
coin in his pocket, while the thief was
bestride his beautiful mare, over the
hills and far away.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
COURAGE

Whether the way be dark or light,
Ny soul shall sing as journey on;
As sweetly sing in the deeps Of night
As 1t sang in the burst Of the golden dawn
Nothing can crush me, or silence me long. :,
Though the heart be bowed yet the soul snail
rise
Higher and higher on wings Of song
Till it swims like the lark in a sea OF skies
Though youth may fade and love grow cold
And friends prove false, and best hopes blight,
Yet the sun viii wade in waves OF gold
And the stars in glory viii shine at night
Though eli earths joys from my life are Missed
And of the whole world stand bereft,
Yet dawns viii be purple and amethyst "a
And I can not be sad while the seas are left.
For am part of the mighty whole
l belong to the system OF life and DEATH
am under the law Of Great Control,
And strong with the courage OF love and iaith.
Ella Wheeler, IN St. Pad Dispatch.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23

Somebody's child is dyiDg--dyng with the flush
of hope on his young face, and somebody's
mother thinking Of the time when that dear face
viii be hidden where no ray of hope can brighten
it--because there was no cure for consumption.
Reader, if the child be your neighbours take this
comforting word TO the mothers heart before it is
too late. Tell her that consumption is durable
that men are living to-day whom the physicians
pronounce incurable because one lung had beer
almost destroyed by the disease. DIR. Pierce's
Golden Medical Discovery has cured hun
dreds surpasses cod liver oil, hypophosphites
and other medicines in curing this disease. Sold
by druggists.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23

In the British colheries mum ereus
experiments have been made to deter
mine the cause of the explosions in the
mines, and these results are now ac-
cepted as correct by most of the ex-
perimenters: 1. Explosions are usually
caused by the presence of coal dust in
air containing small amount of true
FIRE damp, the Davy lamps serving to
detect the presence OF dangerous gases
when in sufficient quantity to alone
cause explosion. 2 Mixtures of coal
dust and air without fire damp are not
explosive The researches have shown
that air containing no more than two
per cent. of fire damp Ia quantity so
small as to escape notice. Is unsafe IN
the presence of COIL dust.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1882-02-23
A singularly interesting case was lat,

ly referred to by the Brooklyn Eagle.
1t was told by M w. A. Davenport,
connected with the house Of Messrs.
Butler, Pitkin & Co., 476 Broadway,
New York, and concerned the marvel
Gus cure of Mr.. Ezra ID. Clarkson, neal
Newark, n. j., of a terrible case Of
rheumatism, which other remedies
had failed even to alleviate. He was
on his way to hospital when Mr.. Da-
venport met him and induced him to
try st. Jacobs Oil, with the result
named. Cleveland (O.) Practical Farm