The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1882-11-03
WIT AND HUMok.

The Turk and the man who steps on
a banana skin have much in common.
For instance, they both sit down with
out calling for chair.
An old lady, hearing that John Bright
contemplated visiting this country,
hoped that he wouldn't bring his "dis-
ease" with him."
| What is the difference between an old
tramp and feather-bed? There is a
material difference. One is hard up
and the other is soft down.
When friend asked reformed ine-
briate the cause of his reformation. he
said: "As you are married, you will
quite understand me when say getting
tipsy made me see my mother-in-law
double"
The sublimest state of misery is en-
dured only by man with stiffiy-
starcbed vest, collar that won't stay
buttoned behind, pair of tight shoes
and blackberry seed between his front
teeth.
A Russian poet has presented lady
of whom he is enamOred set Of works
bound in the skin of his own leg, which
was amputated some months ago. II
ever books were bound in calf, these
are.
The daughter of Texas cattle king
has just returned from Paris, where she
says she walked through the Tooraloor-
ais, and visited shottoe where she saw
the statues of Pysic and Catherine de
Medical.
Said a railroad engineer to IN Irish
man, whose COW had been killed: "But
she didn't get out of the way when
rang the bell" Faith, thin," said Pat
'ye didn't shtop when she rang her bell
nayther."
Wy, my tear. poy," he said at Long
Branch, Tuesday, "dare ish no blaze
like der seasides in Septober; der air ish
fine like silk, und der prizes at der
poarding-house ish Sleeper dan living
at home, SO daren'
A Western man while ago eloped
with his mother-in-law. Not that he
hal any fancy for the woman. But she
hau said he was the worst husband ON
earth, and he wanted the world to see
that she really didn't think so.
Fathers often make great mistake
in bringing up their sons to follow their
own trade. A Philadelphia trunk maker
was wiser. He had ten sons, and all
are now brakemen on railroad passen-
ger trains. That trunkmaker is get
ting rich.
Emily Qittle sister,: What a large
family the spinsters must be! hear in
church every Sunday that some of them
are going to be married" Frances
(elder sister,: 20, you little stupid!
Don't you know what spinsters are?
: Bachelor ladies, of course"
A physician, on presenting his bill to
the executor of the will of the deceased
patient, asked, "Do you wish to have
my bill sworn?' NO. replied the exc
cutor; 1.-THE death of the deceased is
sufficient evidence that you attended
him professionally"
A Brooklyn boy wrote composition
on the subject Of the Quakers, whom he
described as a sect who never quarrel
led, never got into a fight, never clawed
each other and never jawed back. The
production contained Il postscript in
these words: PAS Quaker, but ma
isn't"
A gentleman whose residence is on
high and in Roxbury refused to be i'm
pressed by one of the grandest views in
the White Mountains. 1T Is very fine,
no doubt" he said, .'but it doesn't
equal the view from my front window.
Show me, Il you can, hotel in all the
mountain region that commands an I'M
interrupted view of three breweriesr'
Bill Shnte was member OF the 26th.
While the old boys crowded around the
old flag at a recent reunion, Bill, with
an irrepressible humor. called out,
"Boys, | am no speaker, but there's
blamed sight more of you here than
ever saw in iightr' This brought
down the house.
"Now, boys, recite your verses; then
you can coast" "Pd rather be door
keeper in the house of the Lord than
dwell in the tents of the wicked" re-
peated the older lad sod l." eiacu-
lated the junior youth; and away he
flow after his sled before the father had
time to demonstrate.
"Well, remarked a Young NJ. D.. Just
from college, Il suppose the next thing
will be to hunt good location, and
then wait for something to do. like Pa
thence on n monument "Yes," said
a bystander; ''and il won't be long af-
ter you do begin before the monuments
will be on the patients"
A woman in France slept seventy
three days in one inning. and when she
awol.e and learned that her husband
had been taking his meals ut restaur-
ant during all this time, instead of get
ting out of bed at daylight and going to
market. she was so mad that she de-
clared she wouldn't go to sleep again
as long as she lived.
"a little fellow, from four to five
years old, having perforated the knee of
his trousers. was intensely delighted
with pateh his grandmamma had APP
piled. He would sit and gaze upon it
in state of remarkable admiratiOn;
and in one of these moods suddenly ex-
claimed: 'Grandma must put ono on
tother knee, and two behind, like Eddy
Smiths
The Egyptian flea is larger than the
American grasshopper, and when one
gets at work on a dog, just about tha
small of the back. the canine will reach
and haul himself round i'm circle till
he gets that flea, if he has to wear the
hide all off his hind legs and break his
spine tc do it.
When Haverly was In London it was
arranged that when he was going too
far in his patriotic anecdotes he should
be nudged under the table. The result
was that he said: '.In our country Jay
Gould has conservatory three-quarters
OF q mile long, three hundred feet high,
and (what are you kicking me forP) two
feet vide"
ping into the house. 'it's wicked to
take anything. amt it?' "Yes. my son,
it is wicked to take any thing, but don't
be so boisterous." ''Whoop! Well, I've
been swimming, and don't ask me to
take a lickin', cause it's wicked. I'm
after piece of pie" And before his
parent could get hold of slipper he
had slipped out through the pantry with
it, and was sicking the dog on to . scis-
sors-grinder down the street.
1t never rains hut it pours. A New.
port visitor, after long struggle. man.
aged to get foOthold in society. and
all of a sudden found that she had been
invited to nine dinner parties, all on the
same evening. Utterly unable to de-
eide which to accept, she sat down and
had good cry over it. and that made
her eyes and nose SO red that she was
ashamed to 60 to any.
81 often cross the street tOavOid meet
ing man." says Mr.. Beecher, mot be-
cause have any thing against him,
but simply because do not feel like