The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1882-01-25
FLOATING FANOIEs,

New York theatres. Take your clothes of
your head, sis" is the somewhat startling re.
mark.
A Nevada man announces that he has in.
vented a lying machine. If he thinks be has
struck anything new he is mistaken. We've
had gas metres for a long time.
An unkind word from one beloved often
draws the blood from many heart which
would defy the battle-ax Of hatred or the
keenest edge of vindictive satire.
A Philadelphia man who owns a parrot in
forms us that when his minister calls on him
it is very embarrassing to have the bird eter-
nally ,exclaiming, "Ill take sugar in NINE"
An aged negro was showing the scars of
the wounds inflicted by the lash when he was
a slave. "What q picture!" exclaimed a
sympathetic looker-on. "Yes," responded
the colored brother, 'dat's de work oh de ole
masters"
Qualifying q sweeping assertion Sophie
(after hearing about Frank)-.I declare /
shall not believe a word a man says to me.
They're all liars =" Beatrice-.'For shame.
sophie!" Sophie (regretfully)-"Atleast all
the nice ones are"
The use of slang has its disadvantages.
Glow do you like my shoes, love ?" asked a
youthful bride. ooh; they're immense, u re-
piled the partner of his joys, and the look
she hurled at him was enough to have frozen
the heart of a SNOWFALL.
A certain gentleman recently lost his wife,
and a young miss of six years who came to
the funeral said to his little daughter of about
the same age: "Your papa will marry again,
won't he?" "Oh, yes" was the the reply,
''but not till after the funeral"
A correspondent writes to an exchange in
curing, ais a good character of any valued"
Considering recent developments in banking
circles, we should say that when q man of
good character is around to any extent it's
pretty safe to keep the door locked.
An old resident of Milford, DEL, is quoted
as saying: about fifty years ago l was a
bartender in a hotel at Milford. Through
the week we generally took in about $40, but
one day when the religious quarterly meeting
was held there we cold over 5000 worth Of
liquor
Said Brown, who has just returned from a
visit outside between acts, 20 darling, | had
such a fright It almost took my breath
away" Mercy !" exclaimed Mrs. B., turn
ing her face aside, Il wish it had, John"
And John looked sheepish enough, as he sly
ly inserted a Glove in his mouth.
Mother Ito her daughter, just seven years
old)-"What makes you look SO sad, Carrier
Carrie Cooking at her baby brother, three
months old)-'I was just thinking that in
about ten years from now, when l shall be
entertaining company and having beaux, that
brother of mine will be just old enough to
bother the life out of me-"
Pestered with contributions in verse
from q persistent rhymster until his patience
gave out, an editor wrote to his correspond
ent thus: IF you don't stop sending me
your sloppy poetry, I'll print a piece of it
some day with your name appended in full
and send a copy of it to your sweetheart's
father" That poetical fountain was spon-
taneously dried up.
Yesterday was cold, bleak and heavy wind
cd. The zephyrs which tore across Main
street whirled off and threw into the gutter
three female hats. One owner said, 80 my!"
another, Goodness mel" but the third said
nothing until she got the hat on her head, |
when, giving it a sharp little dab, she was
heard to observe, eff l ever marry again I'll
marry q man that can swear, I VOW"
I'm not an astronomer" remarked old
man Jones to his wife the other night, COM
ing in off the porch, where he had interrupt
ed the moonlight festivities Of his daughter
and her young man, I'm not an astrono-
mer, as | said, and / annot explain it, but I
am sure I saw the son rise a few moments
ago, and it is now midnight" Then he
looked refiectively down at the toe Of his
boot, and sent the girl off to bed.
A few days ago q little Oil City girl was
taken sick, and her parents called a doctor
whom she did not like. "Are you sick,
Oracle p asked the M. D., as he bent over
his little patient. The little lady looked at
aim a moment in the utmost disdain, and
then, In a tone of the deepest sarcasm, re-
Piled, as she turned her face from him,
NJ L = r---MI