The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1882-12-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

gave vi luc DON VI II NO. ID uouulc-soioet
| boot.
When u physician has cured singer
of hoarseness, he sends in Il bill of in
voice. The bill being worded. To cur
ing one in-growing tone all
Said Mr.. Moriarity, in explanation of
his battered appearance, "lc see the
horse was driving waz u mule. " And
Mr.. Finnegan replied; "Ye need say no
more, Dennis"
The "sermonetto" spoken of so fire.
quently in the West, is not n full SER
mon. 1t is nice little new bonnet
talk, sufficient to call congregation OF
hearers together, but not powerful
enough TO wear them out.
Professor George Bristow aims to be
the most honest OF critics, and on being
asked by the father of an animated
foghorn how he liked his daughters
voice, he replied: "She sings like n
Patti (under his breath) gonion"
A Scotch lawyer was so short in stat.
ure that it was necessary for him to
stand on stool when addressing the
court. We'll" said a wit on seeing
him thus elevated, this is one way OF
rising.a at the bar
"Whar's the man that's going up in
that balloon?' inquired countrynan.
That's the fellow standing on the left
of it." Rather thin, isn't he, though?'
returned country Yes answered
the other: "he's thin in purse as well as
in person. He's the heir o'naught"
Fritz TO Miller To-day is my birth
day" Emma-'And mine, too Karl
milne, toor' Bertha--"Mnc, toon'
Miller-"Why, what a remarkable coin
cidence, neighbour Mother - "Ah,
yes YOU see, we celebrate them all on
the same day, because it's cheaper
Heard at a doorstep; "Why, Mr.
Milkman, you said your cows were
drying up and you could only let me
have a pint for the baby, but here are
two quarts" Yes, mum; can spare
more now; some of the other babies
have died.
Gentlemen, you may not think it,
but | have stood on the top round of
the ladder" said an inebriated individ-
ual who was haranguug the crowd.
"Troth, thin" exclaimed one of his
hearers, That same ladther must a
been lyin' fiat on the ground
Heavens" Shrieked an excited moth
err, as the nurse let the baby fall over
the second floor banister. Two inches
nearer the wall and that child would
have smashed fifty dollar statuette
and the hall lamp" And then they
picked up the baby
An old Irish soldier who prided HIM
self on his bravery, said he had fought
in the LATHE of Bull Run. When asked
if he had retreated and made his es-
cape as others did on that occasion, he
replied, BE jabers, those that didn' t
run are there YETI
Mr., Brown. do YOU eat mush? ''
asked four-year old ticud of his SIS
ter's beau. why, Johnne?" Be
cause sister says she wishes you would
Mt talk like you had n mouthful of
mush.n Sister faints, and Brown re-
members that he has an engagement in
Australia.
Professor" Now, Mr.. Snodkins, you
may crticise the theme have just
read Snodkins-"rd rather write a
criticism, sir. can't talk as we'll rs |
can write Professor (who had wad-
ed through Snodkins' last theme with
great difficulty Then, sir, an sor-
ry for you"
Ma" howled boy running into the
house and approaching his mother,
INA, little brother hit me with Il stick"
We'll, I'll whip your little brother
said the mother, abstractedly tucking
together pair of stockings she had
been earning. mo, don't whip him;
don't let HIM have any supper, |
whipped him before he hit me.
One da, towards nghtfall, and in nn
uncertain light. man bought an over
coat of pretended plum-color. The
next morning it proved to be OF a quite
too unmistakable green. Returning II,
to the storekeeper, that worthy regard
ed the buyer calmly and said, you
must have little patience with it, my
dear sir; it isn't ripe yet
a Boston editor bounced the cook,
cuiled two children, left his wife in tears
and made bee line for the Office and
wrote: IF you want TO make the world
brighterand better, begin by being kind
and loving to those in the small circle
of your own family, and from that as n
center work out as you are permitted
to go"
When we see the young man of the
period with the cutaway coat, his ears
sheltered from the cold north wind
blasts by the broad expanse of collar,
his two watch chains, but no watch
his pointed shoes and intellectual eye
glass, his tootsey-wootsey cane and pan
cake hat, we realize that the Ssi, 000,-
600 annually expended in educating the
American youth is little enough.
A short time ago, at a school in the
north of England, during lesson on
the animal kingdom, the teacher put
the following question. "Can any boy
name to me an animal of the order
edeHtela; that is, iront-tooth toothless
animalP' A boy, whose face beamed
with pleasure at the prospect of good
mark, replied II cam "Woll, what
is the animalP' "My grandmother"
replied the boy, in great glee.