Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1882-01-17

The reason it is called short-cake is
owing to the briefness Of the season OF
the principal ingredient.
If boy should cstch hold of your ear
and ask if he had the wrong pig by the
ear, would you answer yes or no?
"Td just like to see you," said a blind
man to q policeman who ted him he
would lock him up if he didn't move on.
Master Ito small boy who is late):
"Wcll, Peter, what has kept you to-
day?" Small boy: please, sir, my
mither was bakin' am ] couldn't get the
basin to wash nay face"
Booths theatre in New York is to be
turned into dry goods store. Measure
for Measure" and dress rehearsals will
be popular there in the Naturalization,
COHuRcTCi0L Bulletin.
Huxley thinks music causes dogs acute
pain, and nobody blameS the poor dog
very much, considering the fact that the
family dog has to hear all the family
practicing.-LOGeU Citizen.
An opera audience sat with umbrellas
UP at Marshall, Mich, because the roof
leaked, and man who looked i'll at the
door didn't notice it. He was used TO
seeing women wear big hats ut the
theatre.-BOStO3 Pos.
al have divided my subject" began
the parSon, Unto two heads" Two
heads with but single thought"
whispered Fogg to Mrs. f., and then he
closed his eyes for his usual nap
Boston Transcript.
Mayor Harrison, of Chicago, believes
that policeman should be drilled i'll the
use ofthe pistol. That il would be more
effective and consequently more humane
than the club in uuictnG prisoners, II
one thing that can be said in favor Of
the proposition.-ROcheSteT Chronicle.
One Of the Oscar Wilde agonies: A
new agony is for yOvng lady to buy q
thirty-six-cent tambourine, paint sun
flower in one corner of il and q pond
lily in another, and hang it up on the
wall as a decoration. This signifies
cart and music have joined hands, let
'em jingle. Nee Harca Register.
Miss FitzjOy arose and, drawing aside
the draBery from the window, looked
out upon the grass, brown with age, anu
the ground, stiff with half-frozen mud.
'GWOulh that pa had sold his ice business
last fall" she murmured, rs she observ-
ed ONLY the Yeriest Swimming on the
gutter. "But perhaps ii is for the best.
This weather will drive dear George
out of the plumbing business into some
more lucrative calling" And with a
Young girls hope for the best pervading
her soul, she skipped down stairs to
burkyheat cakes and cOtie, wreathed in
smiles.-NeiC HaveR Register.
1t isn't always safe for a man with
gray wLlskers to stake his life upon the
hazard Of the dye.-N J. Com0scrc|0l
i6yCrtiSCr.
IL NAV be right occasionally to take =
hull by the horns, but it is always well
10 keep i'm mind that the horns belong
10 the bull. GtdsgO'c Times.
A Derby doctor killed fox, and the
Derby Transcript sardOnically remarks:
seThe doctor means business when he
gets after 'em.'"-Ddab'7Y NctrS.
Counsel for prisoncr-"Did you see the
prisoner at the bar knock down the de-
ceased" Pat-"NO, yir Honor; he was
alive and well when | see him Knocked
down."
Mistress: Bridget, | really can'tallow
YOU 10 receive your sweetheart III inc
Kitchen any longer" Bridget: THANK
YOU. kindly. mum, bot he's too bashful
for the parlor."
He came home the other night in
the drilling rain, soaked inside as well
"a out. What excuse have you to Of
fer said his better hall, "fOr coming
home i'm such berry condition." " None,
my DEAR was his answer, "'cept twas
p very muggy day."-Ne'rDort Hc''s. e
"Oh, what rapture" remarked Adolf
rbrrs. rs ne clasped his fair one IN ms
arms. ooh, what raped yer? friend
in0uired shortly afterwsrd, IS ne ooServ,
cd Adolphus trying to get his head anu
y isrgc-sized bump into his hat at the
anne time; and 'Dolphy said he didn't
exactly Know. but thought IL must nave
been the old gentleman'S goid-headeu
came Jacob StraLSs.
So many policemen and street eai
drivers claim that 500 reward oIereG
for the discovery of comet NO. las'
YEAR. that it was determined 10 1eelut
the matter by giving the nm money .; 20 b bas
hest essay on comets. The prize ha
imst been awarded, and We are SURPRISE
fo see that the lucky person Is neitner
U ~ nor q car driver; 50 theil
fahor of discovering the fiery visitor
doesn't put cent in their pockets, L
i mighty rough.-NOg'sto''T' Ife7t""