The National tribune., 1882-12-28

| AT length perfectly natural thing cana
/ ab0ut-atter we had answered three or fourI
/ hundred false alarms-tO wit, We stOpped an !
! swcrlng them. Yes, simply rose up caImlys
/ when slammed across the house by the alarm.
| calmly inspected the annunciator took note oSi
the room indicated, and then calmly diseonj
| nected that room from the alarm, and wentI
| back to bed as If nothing had happened. More.l
| over, lett that room oil permanently and did
not send for the expert. Well, it goes withoutI
saying that in the course of time all the roorns'
were taken OFT, and the entire machine was opt3
! of service
1T was at this unprotected time that theI
heaviest calamity Of all happened. The burg.j
lars walked In one night and carried off thel
burglar alarm! Yes, sir, every hide and haify
OF 1t; ripped it out, tooth and toe-nal; springsi
bells, gongs, battery, and all; they took hun.5
dred and fifty miles of copper wire; they just5
cleaned her out, bag and baggage, and never
ie1t US Vestige OF her to swear at-swear bya
l mean.
I'VE had time of it to get her back; butS
we accomplished it finally, for money ThenS
the alarm firm said that what we needed now
was to have her put in right-with their neWS
patent springs in the windows to make false
alarms impossible, and their new patent clock
attachment to take off and put on the alarm
morning and night without human assistance,
That seemed a good scheme They promised
to have the whole thing finished in ten days,
They began work, and we left for the summer
They worked a couple of days then then left
for the summer. After which the burglars
moved in, and began their summer vacation,
When we returned in the fall, the house was
as empty as d beer closet III premises whera
painters have been at work We refurnished!
and then sent down to hurry up the expert
He came up and finished the job, and said
Now, this clock is set to put on the alarm
every night at 10, and take it off every morn
ing at 5:l5. All you've got to do is to wind her
up every week, and then leave her alone-she
Will take care of the alarm herself
After that we had a most tranquil season
during three months. The bill was prOdigious,
of course, and | had said l would not pay III
until the new machinery had proved itself to-
be hawless. The time stipulated was three
months. So paid the bill, and the very next
day the alarm went to buzzing like ten thou4
Sand bee SWarms at ten O'Clock in the morning.
turned the hands around twelve hours, ac-
cordlng to instructions, and this took off the
alarm; bnt there was another hitch at nightj
and | had TO set her ahead twelve hours once
more To get her to put the alarm on again.
That sort OF nonsense went on a week or twos
then the expert came up and put in a new
clock. He came up every three months during
the next three years, and put in new clocks
But 1t was always a failure. His clocks alE
had the same perverse defect: they 1r0uld put
the alarm on in the daytime, and they would
not put it on at night; and if you forced it on,
yourself, they would take it off again the min
ute your back was turned.
Now there Is the history of that burglar
alarm-everything just as it happened nothing
extenuated, and naught set down in malices
Yes, sir; and when l had slept nine years with
burglars, and maintained an expensive burglar
alarm the whole time, for their protection not
mine, and at my sole cost-fOr not id
cent could l ever get them to contribute-I just
said to Mrs. McWilliams that had had enough
of that kind of pie; so with her full consent [
took the whole thing out and traded it off for
a dog, and shot the dog. [ don't know what
yO@ think about it, Mr.. Twain but 1 think
those things are made solely in the interest OF
the burglars. Yes, sir, burglar alarm COM
bnes in its person all that is Objectionable
about fire, riot, and harem, and at the
same time has none of the compensating adj
vantages of one sort or another, that custom
arily belong with that combination. Good-by;
| get off here"
So saying Mr.. McWilliams gathered up his
satchei and umbrella. and bowed himself out OF
the train.-HdTper'S Ch-iStBaS