The Sunday herald. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1866-1887, 1882-04-16
A SHIRT-STUD MONUMENT
To be Erected 10 tie Inventor as the
worlds Greatest Beuefactor.

III tnlS era Oh monument bullulng III Is
rather singular that 1t should be left to the Post TO be
the FIRST TO set In motion movement toward building
monument to commemorate the worlds greatest
benefactoT, who died last week In Reading, Pa.
While every has his preference as to the most
worthy of honor among the usrious dead pre-
sumo that no true patriot VIII dispute the right of the
late Cornelius IL. Body TO occupy place I'm the
hearts OF his couDtrymen and mankind generally
superior even To that of Washington, Franklin, or
any OF those tresome old First Reader celebrities.
MIR. Bloody. we need hardly remark, is the immortal
inventor Of the modern bone shirt stud an achieve
ment that, II is not too much to say, at tremend
GUS blow revolutionzed the whole social fabric for all
time. Great effects turn on small hinges; and up 10
within about ten years ago the entire male sex was
completely under tho domination of tho female
through the comparatively insignificant means of
shirt buttons. Wherever the human shirt gained q
footing. or more exactly speaking, backing tho
asCendenCy Of woman was Inevitable. Aided and
allotted by the dimnutiye pearl button Of fathers.
which was hlmslly tackled on by a few stitches Of
cobwebby thread, and carefully ironed OF every
wash day, the females OF our species held their al
legged lords and masters In state of miserable sub
lection and dependency painful to witness No man,
no matter what his station OF power, could AFFORD TO he
out OF reach of the all peryadng female needle and the
amount OF spring suits, four-ieather Donnets, and
siN-buttOn gloves wrung from the emaclated pockets
of bewidered and buttOnless men In single year
would cause the national debt to resemble primary
school teachol's salary by comparison Those were
the palmy days OF the Wife, the aunt the sister, and
other social cOrmorants of that period. No dared
TO call his soul his own for fear OF being sent out into
a heartess world buttonless and busted. Even under
the best circumstances the unhappy OF shirts
never knew at what moment some unexpected treaCb-
cry the part OF the inSCrnaDlo might result
his coming apart while at party or In the midst OF
an Grafton, and being incontlnenty sent
home In confusion or hack. This fright
full state OF affairs existed, as we all know
until tho 9Th day OF July 1879. ON that eyentful
dateand which we trust the President VIII al once
set apart as a national holiday hereafter-Atr BoOdy
applied for letters patent on his simple but wonderful
inventOn-the bone shirt stud. An eyewitness Of
tho relates that tho entire force Of Patent once
examiners wopt like children aud embraced each
other whom tho model was Inspected. Instead OF nd
ding away over lnJuncons aud caveats for hfteen
tho patent In exactly eight minutes, and before night
the glad tidlngs Of great Joy to men had thr0bbed
| throughout the length and breadth Of our land
Fourteen factories, with capacity Of nine billion
studs day were erected, and from that suspicious
moment man-godllke man-stOod dlsenthralled and
erect. To-day there are probably not six shirts In
the civilized world but what are made with double
buttonhOes aud fastened with BOodys never falling
| always reliable non cussable patent studs.
Aud what Is the glorious result We soc around as
eyorywbereg Woman-expensyo woman-has been
reegated 10 her proper sphere as stocking darner
and matinee weeper, and II Is significant fact that
within year after the Introduction OF the Body
| stud bankruptcies and tho importation OF emb roi.
dered SILK stockings had fallen oil 96 per cont. And
stlll the good work goes brayey on Marriages have
decreased two-thlrds and In place OF the debt-bur
| dened, Care-wrinked married man OF tho last de-
eade, we have the light-hearted, heayy-pocketed
bachelor, gayly dipping around With the spare wives
| OF other men.
Hut we can no longer pursue tho theme. We are
| overcome by emotion and things Suffice II TO say
that subscriptions to build magnificent Body mOnu
ment Of tho bost bone, six hundred foet hlgh aud
SNAPPED Ike hlll sluu VIII DO leCeNtu NJ lhlb once
until further notice. Let adult male person In all
| this broad laudno one In whose breast spark OF
manhood stlll ngersfa TO did up AT least two bits
fOr this glorious scheme. Contributions should be
sent. carefully sealed from observation, to the name
ut the head OF this column. Punched coin taken aud
no back talk. AS we have appointed ourselves PTes
dent and OF the association ut is 10 be hopel
that tho generous admirers OF the ilusrious dead vii
AZ once plank down enough coin TO pay salaries anI
contingent expenses through tho hard winter ahead
| Pungo up fellow -citizcns, pupgo up -" Dsrric
| D0adn iaS, +. Pest,