Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1882-03-16
SOME SHAKES.


Experiences With the Arkansas Aane.
"Speakin' bout the Arkansaw ager,"
aai1 the man with the sandy goatee and
squint eyes as he leaned back in his,
chair, "that's whar you saw my heart
strings. il case I've got any LETT to saw
on. Gentlemen. gaze on me.
The crowd gazed.
"When I moved down into Arkansaw
from Tennessee risin' Of sixteen years
ago I was purty--I was, for fact / had
dozen skulemarms in love with me to
once, and hang meup if every gal in the
ballroom wouldn't break her neck for
the honor Of dancin' with me Yes, /
was purity, and was good. l was so
purity that children cried for me, and
SO good that was taken for preacher
on more'n hundred occashuns. Whar
has my purity gone? Why, I've got to
be the awfulest alligator in the hull
swamp. and Tn CROWN meaner at the
rate Of amile day Fact solemn fact,
and that cantankerous ager is to blame
for the hull Of it. I've got squint to
my eyes, my nose has. bin driven back
an inch, and what teeth I've got left
have to be wedged in every Sunday
with pine pegs or I'd swallow 'em.
Purity Why, the sight Of my phiz
down in ST. Louis killed Texas steer
dead'rn door nail, and 7 was trying to
look handsome, at thatI''
"You said you had the ague."
Said sol Do you 'spose all the other
calamities in this hull kentry could have
busted me up in this way You bat /
had 'erl Istruggled with 'er right along
fur ,leven straight y'ars without a let
up. Gentlemen, let me harrer your
souls with few timely remarks. Your
Michigan ager is q grasshopper. and
one dose of kyneen knocks 'tr dead.
Out in Illinoy the ager is bigger-about
like squirril. In Missouri she's about
the size Of a woodchuck, and when she
strikes down into Arkansaw, she's q
wolf three feet high, seven feet long,
and built to take hold like a thousand
buzz-saws. Great sIamsI but what tus-
sles I've had with that ere crister Say,
did ye ever ride in one-hoss wagin'
over stone quarry? Was ye ever
seated on the top rail o. fence when
hurricane moved it at the rate Of six
miles a mint? Did ye ever hare a cy-
clone pick ye up and mop you over forty
acres Of river bottom, wallop ye through
ten acres of woods and use ye for tool
to knock down a hundred acres Of cane
brake. Well. that amt the ager-not
the Arkansaw kind; its only the first
faint preliminaries."
He stopped to relight his cigar, and
then continued:
81 hain't long to live, and don't keer
TO stretch this thing any. Tellin' the
truth has allus been my strong pint,
and aIlus will be. Maybe yell get some
idea of the Arkansaw ager when I tell
ye that I once unlimited both shoulders
in shakin'. and it was light shake at
that. When I had on one of my reg'lar
double-back-action shakes could jar a
jug Of whisky out of the crutch of q
tree twenty-eightrods of. Nobody dast
pile up cord wood within half mile of
my cabin, and that's solemn fact. I
devoured kyneen just as you eat corn
beet, and my hull system finally got 50
bitter that dog who smeIt my leg
couldn't get the pucke. out Of his
mouth inside Of ten days. Gentlemen,
I do not wish to prolong this agony.
Ny failin' is grub. Fust 1 know III
jump the ager and begin on Arkansaw
skeeters, and when I'd get there I'd
harrer yer souls till ye couldn't sleep fur
two weeks. We viii now have some
cigars, and I will seek few needed re-
poses" Little Rock Gazette