The Hickman courier. [volume] (Hickman, Ky.) 1859-current, 1882-06-16
Teaching a Calf to Drink.

/ Those who have had mournful ex-
! perience, know that there is nothing more
/ trying to the soul than the operation of
/ teaching a young calf to drink. The
process is familiar to every man who has
! brought up q calf from infancy. You
4 seize a pail of warm milk, go into the
stable, catch the calf by the ears, back
him into corner and bestride his neck.
The idiot rather likes this, and while
you are reaching for the pail, he en-
ploys his time in soldering the lower
corners of your jacket. You discover
what the blockhead is about and box his
ears. You can't help it. You feel that
way and let him have 1t. But the calf
can't tell for the life of him why he has
been struck, and he gives a sudden and
unexpected fflounce." He believes he
viii go over and stay on the other side of
the stable. but he doesn't announce this
beforehand. He starts on the impulse
of the moment and you can't tell just
when he arrives there. You ride along
with him a little way But the laws of
gravitation are always about the same.
Your legs-one on each side of the crit
ter-keep up with the calf for about a
second. but Your body doesn't You
slide over the calf, and your back kisses
the floor. Your head is soaking in the
pail of milk When you get up you are
mad-uncommOnly so. Milk runs from
Your hair and imprecations out of your
mouth. There Is buttermilk in your
eve, and Won solemnly declare you will
learn that calf to drink or break his
BANKED neck. The calf doesn't know of
this resolve, and he glares at you IN
stupid fright from across the stable. He
is not aware that he was the cause of
your downfall, and wonders ignorantly
what In thunder is the matter. You
don't try to explain it to him, but furi-
ously catch him by the ears, look back
over your shoulder at the milk pail, and
back up toward it, dragging the cali after
YOU, who bawls out in manner which
seems to say, &c Is this the way you treat
q fellow-creature ?" You again back into
the corner. sling your left leg over him
and once more try to get. his head IN
chancery. The calf attempts little
more funny business and plunges sud
denly forward. You are on the lookout
for breakers this time, and having firm
hold on his ears, you mutter through
your clenched jaws, 3" No you don't,
honey" But he does. though, and you
"cross the continent together by the
"rapid transit" line. You hadn't in
tended to go, but that is where you and
the calf didn't see it alike. You take his
view Of it a few moments later. You
astride off the calls neck and iamming
the fingers of one hand intosIts mouth,
You place the other on the back of his
head and above his nose into the pail
for drink, fully resolved to strangle him,
if he don't drink The calf holds per
fectly still-ominously so-and there is
silence in heaven for the space of half a
minute, at the end of which time the
blockhead, who hasn't drank drop, sud
denly makes splurge, knocks the pail
to " kingdom come, milk and all you
are again reduced to a horizontal from
perpendicular, and when you rise the
excitement Is intense. You have been
soaked with milk, 'slobbered " on, and
hurt and abused the worst way. Not
drop Of milk has gone down the internal
brute's neck and there he stands glaring
Mt you, ready to furnish you another free
ride anywhere you want TO go. With an
affidavit you bang him over the head
with the empty pail and hobble ont of
the pen. mad and hurt all through, fully
resolved to let your four-footed fool
starve.