Middletown transcript., 1882-03-17
MARK TWAIN HAD A COLD.

a friend told me to go and bathe my
feet in hot water, and go to bed. l did
SO. Shortly after friend told me to
get up and take cold shower bath. I
did that also. Within the hour another
friend told me it was policy to feed a
cold and starve a fever. l had both
so l Thought it best to fill up for the
cold, and let the fever starve for a
while in a case of this kind seldom
do things by halves ate pretty hear
tily. conferred my custom upon a
stranger who had just opened restau-
rant on Cortlandt street, near the hotel,
that morning, paying him so much for
full meal. He waited near me in re-
spectful silence until I had finished
feeding my cold, when he inquired
whether people about New York were
much afflicted with colds. 1 told him
thought they were. He then went
out and took in his sign. l started up
toward the Office, and on the walk er-
countered another bosom friend, who
told me that quart of warm salt water
would come as near curing cold as
anything in the world. hardly
thought I had room for it, but tried
it anyhow. The result was surprising.
believe l threw up my immortal soul.
Now, as give my experience only for
the benefit of those of your friends who
are troubled with this distemper, feel
that they will see the propriety of my
cautioning them against following such
portions of it as proved inefficient with
me; and acting upon this conviction
warn them against warm salt water.
1t may be good enough remedy, but I
think it is rather too severe. If I had
another cold in the head, and there was
no course left me-tO take either an
earthquake or quart of warm salt wa
ter, would take my chances on the
earthquake. After this, everybody in
the hotel became interested and took
all sorts of remedies-hot lemonade,
cold lemonade, pepper tea, boneset,
stewed Quaker, hoarhound syrup,
onions and loaf sugar, vinegar and lau-
danum, five bottles of fir balsam, eight
bottles cherry pectoral and ten bottles
Uncle Sans remedy, but all without
effect. One of the prescriptions given
by an old lady was-well, it was dread
full. She mixed decoction composed
of molasses, catnip, peppermint, aqua
FORTS, turpentine, kerosene, and vari-
GUS other drugs, and instructed me to
take wineglassful of it every fifteen
minutes. 1 never took but one dose
that was enough. had to take to my
bed and remain there for two entire
days. When l felt little better more
things were recommended. l was des-
perate, and willing to take anything.
Plain gin was recommended, and then
gin and molasses, then gin and onions.
1 took all three. 1 detected no partic-
ular result, however, except that had
acquired breath like a turkey-buzzard,
and had to change my boarding place.
[ had never refused remedy yet, and
it seemed poor policy to commence then;
therefore 1 determined to take sheet
bath, though l had no idea what sort
Of an arrangement it was. 1t was ad-
ministered at midnight, and the wealth
er was very frosty. Ny back and breast
were stripped and sheet there ap-
peared to be thousand yards of it)
soaked in ice water was wound around
me until resembled a swab for col
nmbiad. 1t is cruel experiment.
When the chilly rag touches ones warm
flesh it makes him start with sudden
and gasp for breath, just as
men do in the death agony. 1t froze
The marrow in my bones, and stopped
she beating of my heart. thought my
ime had come. When ] recovered
from this, friend ordered the applica-
ion of mustard plaster to my breast.
[ believe that would have cured me
effectually, if it had not been for young
Clemens. When l went to bed / put
he mustard plaster where could reach
t when I should be ready for it. But
7oung Clemens got hungry in the night
md ate it up. I never saw a child have
Iuch an appetite. / am confident that
le would have eaten me if l had been
lealthy.
How FIELD INTRODUCED PERKINS.
Some years ago, when Eugene Field
vas city editor of the st. Joseph
1azette, Eli Perkins came through that
ity on his way to the little town of
hopkins, few miles north, where he
Vas going to lecture. Field was in
uced by Perkins to accompany him,
nd when they arrived at the place they
My had time to get supper and go to
he church where the sorrow was to
revail. Field agreed to introduce Per-
ins to the audience, which was very
ecessary part of the program, seeing
nat neither of them knew soul in
ne town. When the two stood up to-
ether on the platform Perkins was
orriied to hear Field begin to apollo
ize for not being able to lecture that
ight, as advertised, on account of a
we're cold and headache but gave
lie audience the consoling statement
lat he had brought with him his par
cular friend, Eugene Field, the tai
ited and brilliant wit of the st. Joseph
iazette, who would lecture in his place.
hen catching Perkins-whose real
anne is Melville d. Landon-by the
BOULDER, he pulled him forward and
ltroduced him as Eugene Field. Per-