The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1882-04-12

A monky is a blame funny insek-he be-
gins lookin' like people, but he runs his other
en- too far out to remine you Of his bein' twins.
You kant tell how menny feet he has cause he
amt made up his mine yet wether his front
feet is hans or feets an he uses em both waze.
When he smiles his feechsrs work hard enuf
10 pan out sumthin' ginowine, but the reel
favor don't seem to be fetched out. Monkeys
hangs onto a tree just like a grapevine, but
theys more meat to 'em. Monkeys don't dress
enuf ter suit mos foxes, an besides thare close
Is made ov such thin stuff that 1t wares off wen
tina sit down.-Rome Sentinel.
When the skin is parched and freckled by
strong northwest winds and the face becomes
dry and scaly, it can be restored to smoothness
and good color by DIR. Bensons Skin Cure A
perfect remedy for troublesome itching and
vexatious pimples.
The Louisville Courisr-J Journal asks: "Where
do theatrical people get such captivating, pol
ished manners?" Young man, you've evident
ly seen the manager, who wanted puff. Wait
till you 60 round to geta complimentary ticket.
Boston Post.
Like oil upon troubled waters is Hale's
Honey OF Horehound and Tar upon cold.
Pixies Toothache Drops cure IN one minute.
"Why do you keep me here?" said the rock
et;" have done nothing "Well, then, I'll
let you off, said the man. And the Fourth Of
July was proceeded with Courier-J ournal.
For the delicate and complicated difficulties
peculiar to the female constitution, Lydia e.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound is the
sovereign remedy. 1t aims at the cause and
produces lasting results. Send to Mrs. Lydia
b. Pinkham, 233 Western avenue, Lynn,
Mass, for pamphlets
Two gentlemen Of wealth and social posi-
ton" have been expelled from Chicago club
because they got drunk and broke the furni-
ture, Social position" in Chicago is posi-
tion under the table.-Boston Transcript.
wheat Bitters." A powerful invigorator
In cases of weakness and debility, and is I'M
equalled in Female Complaints. Price $1.00
per bottle.
Mr.. Threefngers, of Washington, D. c.,
gathered courage the other day, to say to Mrs.
Threefngers, "Wife, must have that night
key now. This isn't Hayes administration"
-Courier-Journal.
A full feeling after meals, dyspepsia, heart
burn, and general i'll health relieved by
Browns Iron Bitters.
Kid gloves are now made of rat skins. If
you have pair of kid gloves that you wish to
test, set them on table with piece of cheese.
II they don't attack the cheese they are either
real kid or the rat they were made from isn't
alive Philadelphia Chronicle-Herald.
"ELIxIR OF LIFE Roof" isl an infallible
remedy for Kidney and Liver Complaints. One
trial proves it. 1t is a purely vegetable CON-
pound and perfectly safe.
Apropos of youthful prodigies who "impro-
vise," LIE Temps relates story of Kslkbren-
aer's childhood, when one day he was to elm
provise" in public, but after striking two or
three chords he turned and said, with all SIM
plicity: Papa, I've forgotten the restP'
A Chicago family were among the passengers
On q steamboat that was lazily plying the wa
ters Of Florida river one morning last month.
The youngest member, boy about 8 years old,
happened to espy an alligator basking on the
shore and was greatly excited by the spectacle.
Running across the deck to where his mother
was talking with friend he tugged at her
skirts until he had attracted her attention, and
then, pointing toward the recumbent monster,
cried out: "Oh, mamma, look yonder; there's
one OF sister Sallie's old gum shoes!"-Brook-
lyn Eagle.