Morris tribune., 1882-08-03
WHY HE MOURNED.
The Bottom Facts of the Funeral
Touchingly Told,

The Bottom Facts OF the Funeral
Touchingly Told.
eff you've got the time I'd like to have
you write little something about the
deceased" said the little man quietly,
something pretty mournful, if you
please"
'Who is dead?" inquired the manag-
ing editor, dipping his pen in the ink
pot. "Friend ofyours?"
"Well, yes" replied the little man,
leaning over the table. "She was my
wife. Her wings sprouted yesterday and
we turfed her over this p. H. She was a
very superior article of remains, and 1
thought I'd have you speak good word
for her to the public, with something
about other papers copying it at the bot
tom"
"Where was the plant?" asked the edi-
tor, scratching his bead forappropriately
melancholy ideas.
owe set her out up in Cypress Hills"
replied the mourner, wiping his eyes.
1--WE had ten-dollar discourse and q
forty dollar funeral You might speak
of the casket. That cost fifteen dollars
alone, and there must have been eigh.
or nine dollars worth of flowers and
shrubs, and one thing or another"
Il might say she was popular and gen.
orally beloved by all who knew her in
life, eh?" suggested the editor.
"You bet! And that'n make her Sis
ter mad. You may say she was the
handsomest woman in her po-
lice precinct, and that there were four
carriages chock full. fyou want a nice
piece of descriptive, you might add that
l rode on the hearse with the driver"
can affectionate wife and loving
mother?" limited the editor.
"Well," coughed the little man, eff
you've got plenty of time and room.
Perhaps you'd better pay more atten-
ton to the handles of the casket I'll
show 'em to you. Genuine plate!' and
he drew them from his pocket. 1.-The
screws were all silver headed but they
thought I'd better leave them"
"Was she prominent in any of the
charitable rackets? Much in the Sun
day school business?" asked the edit
or.
Eyes, some. She belonged to gross
or two of old woman's homes and a
couple O dozen of children's temperance
societies, but that didn' cut much figure
at the funeral. You might speak OF the
number present and say that several
friends of the remains were damned
about good deal trying to get a sight at
her. We showed her at the house and
at the grave, and though ! say it myself,
think the coffin plate was generally ad
mired."
Then she he wa sa worthy Christian Chr 3. Won
disposed, and departed sincerely
| nv a loroo cirolo Of friend 80
ooh, yes!" sighed the bereaved. II
don't see any objection to that You
might follow it up by remarking that hel
| Frustrated husband gave her rs good 6
send off as any woman in that ward ever
| had. The maidstone comes to $l5, and
[ lost ten to my brother-in-law betting
that the hearse could bea: the mourner'F
carriage to the first tollgate on the ole
road comming home. I'd like TO have
it known that did the fair thing, though
| don't care to look like | was blowing
about the expense
did she leave any ehildren?'
eyes, oh, yes! she left 'em. They
went with her as far as the grave I
stood me in $27 to fiet them out will
grief for the occasion. But don't be
| grudge it. Whe II l spend money | cal
culate to get the worth out of it, and no
body hears me complain. paid SIS TO
he clothes she was shoveled under in.
did she leave any property?''
"a couple of houses and lots, but yol
needn't mention them. Just speak Of i
as the social event fthe season in funer
al circles, in which no expense wa
spared to make it II gratifying success
and you'll hit it about even. The neigh
bors-ar all watching for the paper, ant
you'll make a little something OH
of the sales if you do the right thing
You might say in days paper that tn
notice will appear tomorrow, so as t
advertise it little" and the prostrate'
husband put on his hat and buttoned hi
coat.
And the managing editor wrote sim
pie, touching tribute to the memory Q
the woman whose qualities were burie
under her funeral bills; and the pros
trated husband showed it around, ex
planning that he couldn't imagine hoy
the paper got hold Of the fact unless
was that reporter was present disguise
as one of "the friends of the remains"