The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1882-06-30
LARES AND PENATES.
BY JASON JEFFRIES.

BY JASON JEFFRIEs.
had no especial desire to lecture for
the benefit of the Fourth Brick Church,
but one of the deacons entreated me to
do SO, and as had a lecture written up
on the general subject of Home" with
the title "Larcs and Penates," l con-
scented to deliver it, without any fee, in
the chapel adjoining the church.
As nothing was charged for admiS-
sion, the purpose being to take up col
lection, the room was quite twO-thirds
full took my seat in a chair upon the
platform, and presently was introduced
To the pastor, upon whom devOlved the
duty of presenting me to the audience.
The good man approached the perform
ance Of his task with arather discourage
ing air of deep solemnity. He said, in
effect, that while innocent amusement
seemed to be encouraged, he questioned
the propriety of using it as means of
getting money for the church. He con-
icssed to serious apprehension that
the forthcoming discourse was of rather
Il frivolous nature. For his part he had
opposed the scheme of having the lect-
urc, but he had been Overruled, and now
he wished it to be understood that he
washed his hands IF the whole business
Then he invited me to come forward.
began the discourse and for about
five minutes | got along, l thought,
quite well. Then | heard some one
snoring. Ii was snore expressive of
deep. Intense, satisfying peace. Each
sn"rc was longdrawn, profound and
Snnorors. The sleeper mamifestly was
experiencing the most serene repOse.
The sound annoyed me exceedingly. 1t
seemed a reflection upon my discourse.
After enduring it for awhile | caught
the eye of Il man on the front bench.
and by holding and contracting the
muscles Of my face indicated that l
wished him To rouse the sleeper. He
arose and went over to the snoring man
and carefully examined him. Then,
without disturbing him, he came to the
edge of the platform and whispered TO
me:
ale seems pretty comfortable. Do
y 20. want him for anything in particu-
thought perhaps it would be better
To let the matter drop.
There were directly in front of me a
young man and a girl whowere evident
~ lovers. saw him furtively squeeZ-
ing her hand two or three times, and he
became conscious that was looking ut
him. lie then folded his arms, and fin
ing his gaze upon me with an air Of
deep interest in the lecture he began to
feel for her foot with his. Even with
my eyes upon the manuscript could
see that young mans foot pushing out
To the right and sweeping all about in
search for her foot. She seemed to have
it tucked away far under the bench, for
he could not encounter il, although he
sat forward on the very edge of his seat
and thrust his foot underneath, until |
was really afraid he would lose his bal
anrr and tumble over upon the floor.
But hc looked stcadfaStly ut me during
the entire operation, although his face
was somewhat distorted by his eXer-
tons.
The platform was lighted only by
gas bracket upon the wall Mt the rear Of
the desk and had some difficulty in
reading my manuscript, so after getting
through with twenty or thirty pages l
stopped and asked that the janitOr, ifhe
were present, would turn up the gas
little bit. The janitor attempted to do
so but he turned the key the wrong way
and put the gas out. At once l hearda
noise near to me rs of kiss, and felt
that the young man had begun to I'M
prove his splendid opportunities. All
the Sunday-school boys in the room
whistlcd vchemently upon their fingers,
and it was with difficulty that the good
pastor could be heard urging that the
hest thing to do would be to adjourn. A
deacon, however, protested that the col
lection had not been taken up, and that
it would be little short of madness to
dismiss the audience. Then the janitOr
crept upon the platform and asked me
to hand him a match, and in n few min
utes we had the gas lighted and were
ready for fresh start. The man who
snorcd slept sweetly and snored evenly
all through the period of excitement.
lie seemed to enjoy himself thoroughly.
Then | came TO the most pathetic and
impressive passage in my lecture, and
in The very midst of it the snoring man
suddenly awoke and began to APP
plaud. The audience joined him feebly.
excepting that the young man on the
front bench clapped his hands vigorous
ly, possibly for the purpose OF diverting
my attention from the fact that his foot
was resting at last lovingly upon hers.
But there was no applause when l
read my concluding paragraph and
Withdrew to the chair at the head of the
platform. People seemed to feel re-
lievcd. One deacon took his stand at
the door, and two Others started up the
aisle with the collection baskets. They
began with me. Both came up and held
their baskets ut me, and lcOuld not well
avoid dropping something in one, for
the whole audience was looking at me.
One of the deacons before leaving mo
said
II thought il was going to be hui
morOiIs lccturer
While the collection was taking. the
pastor rose and said he felt it would not
be right to permit the opportunity to
pass to answer, upon the spot, the argu-
ment advanced by the lecturer of the
evening in favor of polygamy.
interrupted him to say that he had
mistaken my meaning. i had not raw
ored polygamy. What ] said was that
the law which gives widow third OF
her late husbands property could not
| operate where there were four widows
of one man. 1t was, said, kind OF a
jest.
But the pastor, without deigning to
look at me, went on to saytha the most
insidious kinds of evil are sometimes
disguised rs jests. and then he proceed
| cd To free his mind at much length.
When he had concluded the people
walked silently out, turning their heads
occasionally to look ut me and to whis-
per the results Of their observation. No
body thanked me and l walked down
stairs in sullen, gloomy frame Of
mind.
In the street passed two men who
/ nno Of fha,,, milo haJ -, ~