The National tribune., 1882-09-28
SOME SIDE-SPLITTERS.
What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the News
papers.

What the Funny Fellows are Saying in the News
papers.
An exacting officer: Said the Texas sheriff
as he was about to spring the trap: Kick and
/ squirm as much as you can. There's about
four thousand people present, and we want 'em
to have all the fun possible. ."-Hartford Times.
Western marvels: A Denver paper processes
to think it marvellous that man whose brains
were knocked out is still living. If he were
out this way he would not only be living, but
would be holding some important Office
Tombstone Epitaph.
| No gentleman: A Chicago minister makes
note of the fact that he has never seen lady
reading a newspaper in a street car WeII2
He has never seen a lady smoking on a car
| platform, either, has he? 1t simply goes to
show that lady is no gentleman.-SaUannab
Times.
"What are you doing with that gum asked
man who saw an Irish boy in the suburbs of
Austin. " | am hunting doves" Glow manv
have you kilied?" "Not any, be jabersI I
want to kill three or four at one shot, and
can niver get more than one av them togithern
Teras Sittisgs
One of the Texas streams that had money
appropriated by Congress for its improvement,
changed last week from dusty bed, with no
water in, to a roaring torrent, sweeping away
| houses and drowning many people. There is
nothing like an appropriation to set business
booming.-PecE'S Stn.
"Horatio," said North Side physician to
his amber-haired student, "did you leave the
medicine for those people near Lincoln Park,
as L told you to?" 81 did that Doctor, and I
learned this morning that nine of them were
dead" mine of them dead! why, that's
| something singular; L told you to leave medi-
cine for tcn."-CheeE.
Helped him out: "see here, my dear, how
beautifully the sun brings out the dew drops
this morning. They glisten like-Iike-"
Like diamonds, pa. They remind me ever
so much of some L saw yesterday" The old
gentleman turned the conversation imme-
diately, but the diamonds have got to be
bought.-BOStOn Globe.
$50 you are back in the city again." said
labOring man on Twenty second street.
Thought you went down with lot of others
in the south part of the county to work on a
farm" eve did" "WeII, whats the rum
pus?" "Why, you see, the old farmer went to
work and strung the whole farm all over with
barbed wire fence, and we all quit and came
home. There is a time to work and a time to
rest, but you can't rest on barbed wire
fence"
4 little fellow, whose father keeps hotel,
was being questioned by his Sunday-schooI
teacher about Elijah, the prophet, who was fed
by the ravens. The story had been followed
to where Elijah went to the brook and stayed
there until it dried up. Then came the ques-
tion, Where did Elijah go?" The answer
was, " Tie went to the house of poor widow
and her son." The little fellow heard the
question answered, and then in tones of aston
ishment asked, "Why didn't he go to hotel?"
How Mary cut her hand: "Come Mary"
said Henry the other evening as they were
preparing the church vestry for the monthly
meeting, you can lend a hand, can't you?"
Said Mary, quite denurely: "And if did lend
a hand are You quite sure you wouldn't keep
it?" "No by George" exclaimed Henry, his
face tightening up with a new revelation.
" No, I am sure wouldn't give it up, never
never-never!" Of course they were married,
and of course they lived happily ever after
wards.-BostOn Transcript.
Perfectly harmless: Londoner who lately
crossed from Canada to Ogdensburg asked his
hackdriver as to the population and form of
government of Ogdensburg On being in
formed that it was an incorporated city, the
chief officer of which was Mayor, he inquired
"And does the Mayor wear the insignia of
Officer" Insignia-what's that?" asked the
astonished hack. "Why, chain about his
neck" explained the eockney. ooh, bless
you no. responded the other; "he's perfectly
harmless and goes about Ioose."-Qai=.
Founded on fact: Billings met Dr. squint.
"Hallo, my friend" exclaimed the doctor, "I
am glad to see you. Around hunting for news
1 suppose? You reporters are always on the
go. You are the best reporter in Arkansas
Say, am going to have little gathering of
friends at my house tomorrow night, and my
wife, who is a great admirer of you, by the
way, sends you special invitation. Let's
have bottle of wine. Say, there, waiter,
bring us bottle of Piper HeidsicIl" Il sup
pose you have heard, doctor, that I am no
longer connected with the Daily Bloom ?"
"NO." eyes, 1 have retired from the news
paper business. When do you say you want
me to come around?" ooh, any time, replied
the doctor, with an evident change of manner
" Say, waiter, never mind the wine. Bring US
two beers. ."-ArkdHSGS ITdreler