Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1881-02-11

John V. Beck: Fix my quartz peg welds,"
contains every letter in the alphabet.
Land belonging to the Arabs is not neces-
sarily arable
Firemen, as well as other people, like to
talk of their old flames.
No lady of refinement will use her husbands
meerchaum pipe to drive nails in the wall
A young girl who is in love is not necessa-
rily mathematician, but is nearly always a
sigh for her.
The man who gave away all his money had
too much action of the heart" as the doc
tors say.
The plumber is tho one friend who stick
eth closer than brother, and he sticketh you
a good deal more than q real good brother
would.
"a busy retail grocer
Whom we all sure know, sir,
Was asked one day in friendly way
Bya country chap who had come to stay
Till the mails shut down at the close of day.
What are your gross receipts sirf
He, lie! hA, hal no, hoi SIR
Laughed the busy retail grocer,
As he pointed out with laugh and shout,
The barrels and boxes ranged about
You can plainly see, beyond doubt,
What are my grocery seats, HirP"
An aged negro the other day, was showing
the scars of the wounds inflicted by the lash
when he was a slave. "What q picture I"
exclaimed a sympathizing looker-on. YES"
responded the colored brother, ''dRt's de
work OBJ de old masters"
saw . coW-hide in the grass
rush-ight on the floor;
/ saw . candle-stick in mud,
And bell-pull on the door.
saw a horse-ay in the air,
coW-slip in the lane;
q Bull-run In the South,
Arope-Walk on the plain.
Doctor TO nervous patient ''WhAt You
are afraid of being buried before life is eT-
tinct ? Nonsense You take what pre-
scribe, and drive such foolish notions out of
your head. Such a thing never happens
with my patients"
The Burlington Hawkeye says 'the Ute
Indians buy garters to wear round their
necks" We suppose, then, that they buy
necklaces to wear-We pause, because We dare
not pursue that course of reasoning further
Des AOines Leader.
''Why, Jennie, you foolish girl, come into
the house. What are you out in the snow
for without wraps9" Oh, nothing much, ma.
You zee, Augustus has just called, and here
are his footprints in the snow. I'm measur-
ing to get the right size for those slippers,
and do you know don't believe I've got
half enough cloth in them"
Two absent-minded savants, seated beside
GhCu OluoE ~ u bCAoutluO LuoctAuBg NNOto uONu
their ideas at the same moment One of
them stopped to scratch his head with the
end of the pen-holder, but in absence of
mind scratched the head of his neighboF.
That neighbor feeling his head scratched and
believing that he was doing it himself, stop
ped writing
A little boy called at one Of the Hartford,
Ot., banks on Christmas morning, and stand
ing on tiptoe SO that he could just look over
the counter, said: "Wish you merry Christ
mas" Noticing that the little fellow stood
his ground as if expecting something, the
bank man said: ''Well sonny, what is II p
"Wish you q merry Christmas !" repeated the
boy. "oh, well, wish you a happy New
Year And that makes US about square, don't
it ?" answered the bank man. This was q set
back to the boy, who stood for full minute
evidently trying TO collect his thoughts. Fl
nally the little boys eye frightened, and he
said "Mister, you wished me happy New
Year, and" reaching over the counter as far
as his little arm could 60, "here's penny for
you" He dropped the coin, and then ran
out of the bank as fast as his legs could carry
him.