Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-05-06
F. u n

to Reading the other. day, and when lie
reached the depot he happened to look into
the ladies' room. "A woman sat there with
a lot of baggage and three children, and.
when she saw Simmer she Immediately
rushed at him and before he could defend
himself she flung her arms about his neck.
nestled her head upon his breast and burst
into tears. Simmer was amazed indig-
nant, dumfounded, and ere he could find
utterance for his feelings she exclaimed
sob, Henry! dear Henry. we are united
at last. Are you we'll? Is aunt Martha
still alive? Haven't you longed to see
your own Louisa?'' And she looked into
SINNERS face and chung to him and smil-
ed thro' her tears. 'sIf I am the person
alluded to as Henry permit me to say
that you have made mistake. My name
is Lemuel; Ihave no Aunt Martha. and
don't own a solitary Louisa. Oblige me
by letting 60 my coat; it excites remark"
Then she buried her bonnet deeper into
his waistcoat, and began to cry harder
than ever, and said, sob, Henry, how can
you treat me SO? How can you pretend
that you are not my husband?"
Madam screamed Simmer, ''if you
do not cease sopping my shirt bosom and
remove your umbrella from my corns,
shall be compelled to call the police. Let
me go, say "The children are here"
she persisted; ''they recognize their father
don't you, children ?'' Eyes yes" they
exclaimed, ''it's pa, it's our dear pa. ''And
then they grappled Simmer by the trous
sers leg and hung to his coat tail. sWo-
man." he shrieked, ''this is getting seri
ous finland me, say.' And he tried
to disengage himself from her embrace
while all the brakemen and the baggage
master said his conduct was Infamous.
In the midst of the struggle a stranger en-
tered with carpet-bag. Helooked exact
" like Slimmer-and when he saw his
wife in SINNERS arms he became excited
and floored Simmer with the carpet-bag.
and sat on him and smote his nose and
caromed on his head, and asked him what
he meant. Simmer was removed home on
stretcher, and the enemy went off with
his wife in cab. His wife made the mis-
take because of SINNERS likeness to him.
And now Simmer wishes he may soon be
kicked in the face by a mule, SO that he
will resemble no other human being on
earth.-MaG Adeler.
Some naughty, naughty editor thus goes
for the girls: Fashions in women are
constantly changing, and the brunette has
been shelved for the glorious girl with
read hair-not lemon color, nor tow, nor
corn color, but the genuine red. Big
mouths have also come in fashion, and the
woman who cannot take in a tea saucer is
considered a,assee and second Glass;
A backwoods preacher once elucidated
as follows in connection with the parable
of the virgins: Tin ancient times, my be-
loved hearers, it was the custom after a
couple had been married, for ten virgins 20
go out with lighted lamps and meet'm on
the way home; five of these virgins being
males and five females.
Two Galveston gentlemen were talking
about a certain applicant for Federal pat
ronage now in Washington city.
s'How is it that he never got an office?7'
born incapacity is the reason"
''Whew! So that's it! Born in Capacity,
was he? / never heard of the town, but l
reckon it is not in Ohio
A grocer said to farmer: my friend.
the rolls of butter bought from you last
week all proved to be three ounces short
of pound To which the farmer inno-
Gently replied. swell, don't know how
that could be; for l used one of your
pound bars of soap for weight"
Tommy is crying bitterly: What"
says his sympathizing sister. shave they
done to yous'' Nothing" did your
nurse scold your" "No." Ibid Harry
strike you?'' sNo.'' s'What then is the
matter?'' II just feel that I'm going to |
be bad to-day, that's all!''
A sailor was recencly brought before a |
magistrate for beating his wife, when the
magistrate ATTEMPTED to reach his heart by
asking him if he did not know that his
wife was the weaker vessel?" IF she is |
she ought not to carry so much SAIL" re-
piled Jack.
A young man of Chicago importuned
girl for whom he had been buying oysters |
all winter to name the day for their mar
rage. Upon her saying she would marry
him the following month he tainted away.
An exchange publishes an article headed
How to tell Mad Dog" We have moth
ing to tell mad dog that we cannot com
munscate by telephone or postal card
When you have convinced woman that
a iouhge worth about 81 has inst been
marked down from $16 to s12, you have
secured customer.
'sDimple' is the name of new bonnet.
The purchase of one of those is said to
make a dimple like gravel-pit in mans
pocketbook.
A Lecturer says, "Fullness under the
eve denotes language" He has probably
been knocked down for something he has
said.
when man is pitching pennies and
loses one he reminds us of ''Noahs weary
dove. u inasmuch as he is one cent out.
Jones says that the clouds of his early
childhood were no bigger than woman's
hand. but squall always followed them.
A girl in one of these poke bonnets looks
as though she was sitting at the reRr end
ot a Kansas wagon.