Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-05-27
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A true bill: $50 that's the grand jury
is it?u asked a man from the suburbs. af-
ter eagerly scanning the forms and fea-
lures of the twenty four individuals in
the box-one man with unkept sandy locks,
another with an aroma of sentimental
seediness brooding over him, a third with
look of benign vacancy irradlating his
countenance and the others Indicating diff
ferent stages of wretchedness and misery.
.'Well, sir, if you've got any common, ev-
.eryday jurymen around about here, Iguess
I don't care to look at them"
Prayer answered: A great many people
say what they don t mean in their prayers.
A Scotchman went behind fence to pray
and declared to the Lord that if the fence
should fall on him it would be no more
than be, deserved. At that moment high
wind blew the fence over on the petition
er. He rose hastily from his knees and
cried out in a frightened voice: "Hech.
Lord! it's an awful world this! A body
Gamma say thing in joke but it's ta'en in
earnest
An elderly gentleman says to a little miss
Of seven:
''Say, Sissy, will you marry me?'
The child, taking the proposition grave
ly, curls up her mouth as if considering
the subject.
ssCome Sissy says her mother, Twill
you marry the gentIeman?''
eyes, IN, but-(asidel- I'd like
newer husband"
ssYou amt taking any stock in woman's
love, eh % mo- he answered, despond
emily. sits all fummery." Every
strange added his friend. ''You didn't
use to talk that way" perhaps not" he
replied, s'but I've been married nearly
two years, and there are four pairs OF
trousers hanging up i'll my closet waiting
to he patched, and not stitch taken in
them yet"
A gentleman in New York met a rather
uncertain acquaintance the other day,
when the latter said: I'm a little short,
and would like to ask you a conundrum in
mental arithmetic Proceed said the
gentleman. ''Well, said the s'short man,
suppose you had $40 in your pocket, and
should ask you for SIS, how much would
remain?'' ''Ten dollars, - was the prompt
answer.
New meteorological discovery: They say
you can tell by the taste of beer what the
weather is going to be. How nice. When
your wife is uncertain about going out
with her new bonnet on and says, Dear,
do you think it will rain ?'' you can reply,
ssI'll see, my love ?'' and 60 and take
drink of beer and she can 1T find a word OF
fault. We demand a monument for the
discoverer of the theory.
A fashionable belle wants to know what
shade will be most preferred this coming
summer. Well, the shade of a big elm
will be very popular, but at the seaside the
shade of a big umbrella will be mucb
sought after.
Dampening Old Triggs-'' Hello Jones'
got your feet sopping wet, haven't you :
Why don't you wear rubbers, as DO? l
haven't wet my feet for six months
Jones' We'll, [ should think you'd be
ashamed to say so.''
There is a place for everything, fellow
citizens. but there isE't place for every
man. Remember that, before you start for
Washington. If there is place for every
Ohio man, it's just about as much as there
There is man in Newark, N. j.. so
close that when he attends. church he oc-
cuples the pew farthest from the pulpit to
save the interest on his money while the
collectors are passing the basket for con-
tributions.
A Bowery merchant who had declined
TO advertise in newspaper because ''no-
body would see it, came around few
days after to offer $25 to have his name
kept out of the police reports.
.esOh, give me anything made of beans,"
exclaimed Boston man taken sick IN the
West, when asked what he would have to
eat. They obeyed his request. They gave
him castor-oil.
When you hear man talking too much
about mock modesty you may be remin-
ded of what Lamb once suffered: ''Well,
sir, there is no mock modesty about you
nor real either.
The other evening a lady, who pretend
ed 10 be asleep until her beau had well
kissed her, woke up as if IN the greatest
amazement. and said, II think you ought
to be ashamed :.
When the dentists of this country can
discover a way to pull teeth without max
ing a man wish he had been born hen,
life will have twice as much happiness.
A beggar woman coming into house
where Nellie was sitting alone, asked for
charity s'Charity!' said Nellie, 81 guess
we are most OUT
An editor in Cincinnati, putting alright
collins: "No person having once tried one
of these collins will ever use any other"
A great surgical operation: to take the
cheek out of a young man, and the jaw out
of a scoIding woman.
don't like to hear politicians say they
don't want office. nor maidens say they
don't want to get married.
In certain parts of Indiana men saw
wood on credit by day, and steal it for pay
by night.
If you want to find a man of taste 60
into the nearest lunch-room.