The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1881-03-23
Mark Twain Tells Some OF His Tray.
cling Experiences.

| got into the cars and took seat
in juxtaposition to a phemale. That
lphemale's face was perfect insurance
company-it insured her against
ever getting married to anybody but
blind man. Her mouth looked
like 4 crack in a dried lemon, and
there was no more expression in her
face than there is in u cup of cold
custard. She appeared as though
she had been in one famine and
had got about two-thirds through
another. She was old enough to be
great-grandmother of Mary that had
a little lamb. She was chewing
prize pop corn. and carried a yellow
rose while bandbox and cotton
umbrella nestled sweetlY at her side.
] couldn't guess whether she was on
a mission of charity, or going West
to start a saw mill. | was full of
curiosity to hear her speak, so !
said:
"The exigencies Of the times re-
quirc great circumspection in per-
son who is travelling"
Says she "What?n
says 1, The orb of day shines
resplendent in the vault above"
She hitched around uneasy like,
then she raised her umbrella and
said, 81 don't want any Of your sass
get out" and | got out.
Then | took a seat alongside a
male fellow, who looked like the
ghost of Hamlet heightened out. He
was a stately looking cuss, he was
reading.
Said |, Mister did you ever see n
camelopard ?" ] said camclopard
because it is a pious animal, and
never eats grass without getting on
its knees. He said he hadn't seen 4
camelopara. Then said |, "Do you
chew ?"
He said, NO"
Then ] said, How sweet is ma
ture !"
lie took this for a conundrum,
and said he didn't know. Then he
said he was deeply interested in the
history of . great man. "Alas y said
he, We are but z few"
told him | knew one. The man
that made my cooking stove was a
great man."
Then he asked. Would | read ?"
Says |, What have you got ?"
He replied, Watts Hymns
''Reverics dy moonlight" and "How
to spend the Sabbath"
said none OF them for Hannah
but if you had an unbridged busi-
ness directory of New York city, |
would take Il little read.
Then he said, "Youns man, look
at these gray hairs"
| fold him saw them, and when
a man got as old as he was he ought
to die. Said ], "You needn't think
these gray hairs are any sign of
wisdom, its only a sign that your
system lacks iron, and / advise you
to go home and swallow a crow
bar"
He took this for irony, and that
entente cordiale there was between
US was spilled. 1t turned out that
he was chaplain Of a base ball club
When we got to Rochester / call
ed for n bowl of soup. send you
the receipt for making it. Take a
lot of water, wash it well, and brown
it on both sides, then very carefully
pour one bean in it and let it sim.
mer. When the bean begins to get
restless, sweeten it with salt, then
put it up in air tight cans, hitch
each can to brick and chuck them
overheard and the syrup is done.
The above receipt originated with
n man in Iowa, who got up suppers
on odd occasions for 0ld Fellows.
He had a receipt for oyster soup
leaving out the salt
Speaking of Iowa reminds me of
the way | got the money TO pay for
my ticket and that fellows supper.
| bet fellow q dollar that / could
tell him how much water to the
quart went under the railroad bridge
over the Mississippi at Dubuque in
a year. | won the bet, but after all
the supper was an awful swindle
Dubuque is celebrated for its fine
turn outs on the streets. While |
was there wagon upset and spilled
a lot of women. i didn't see it. |
looked the other way No cards.