The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1881-03-24
FacetiOus Small Talk.
OLD 0RINr'a COZ


Why mourn for Grimes-hls daughters live
On fashions street We ind 'em,
'Tis they who wear the old grey coat
All buttoned down behind 'em
II WAS mistaken in that house."
said beggar. II thought I'D be
able to get warm meal there, but I
only got cold shoulder"
.:MoNEY does everything for man."
said an old gentleman, pompously.
Ies,' replied the other man, "but
money won't do as much for man as
some men will do for money!
1.-THE temperance men mean busi-
ness in the matter of clearing out the
whiskey. They're just full of it,
cried an excited temperance orator,
who hasn't been invited to speak
since.
A CANNY Scotchman inquired of q
fellow trader. "is Colonel K. man to
be trusted? II think you'll find him
so,' was the reply. "If you trust
him once, you'll trust him forever
A LITTLE girl read composition
before the minister. The subject was
"a cow" She wove in this compli.
mentary sentence: "a COW is the
most useful animal in the world except
religion
AT A DISPLAY OF FIREWORKS
" Oh, Alfred, we are very near! Is
there really no danger T. "None
sweet; don't you see / had the
precaution to put your father and
mother in front of us -
A CHAP, being asked to explain the
paradox of how it was possible for
lazy man to attain 80 much education,
answered, Il didnt'-attain it; T.
jnst-heard--it--here-.and-.th there,
and was too law to forget
GONG home from church, she re.
marked to her husband, Ibid you
notice that bald.headed man in front
of us, how young he looked? "Then
he silenced her by replying, my
dear, 1 was bald headed before was
4 year DID,
Not QUITE WHAT HE MEANT.
THoUGH.-Milk-man-"Telly yer moth
er she'll ave to pay me ready money
fur milk in futur'; / amt a. goin' to
chalk up any more" Boy" WOt
are yer a.goin' to use instid then, Mr..
Simpson p
"WHAT do you think of these shoes
at SAT- said Bob the other day, as he
put one of his pedal extremities on the
table for inspection. "Very cheap,
considering the size of the foot was
Jack 3 reply, as his eye wandered over
a vast garden of sole leather.
(PRoFEssoR, elepuently holding
forth to the junior rhetoric class. One
of its members on the back seat, like
wise holding forth to her neighbor.)
Professor. /" l beg pardon, Miss A., /
believe / interrupted you" Miss Il.
80 Oh, no, not at all; l had finished
"DEAR me, ''said Mrs. Watkins, on
hearing Of the death of her friend
Mrs. Tompkins. II feel that am
very poorly prepared for eternity.
haven't a single dress fit to be laid out
in." And she at once gave orders to
the dressmaker for a new dress.
THE handspring of Italian
music in the eighteenth century,"
says recent writer, "was the exclu.
sion and passionate worship of the
human voice." But Italian music has
experienced change. Its mainspring
is now in a box, and is worked With
a handle.
BEYOND REAsoN.-Doctor.-"Oh,
there you are, Smith! How's the
wife = Farmer" Wuss, I'm afeared
SIR Doctor" Indeed! Is she wan
dering?" Farmer.-"No, no; she's
sensible. That's what I'm afeared of.
1 never knowed her so sensible. She's
onnaturally sensible.''
A PENNSYLVANIA politician, who
had suddenly become very wealthy,
recently attended a dinner-party at
which there was the usual fillet of beef
with mushrooms. While engaged
upon the beef, he whispered to his
neighbor, "Do you eat the clothes
pin heads, too?''
els this my train" asked travel.
er at the Kansas Pacific depot of
lounger. Il don't know, but 1 guess
not, !" was the doubtful reply. II see
it's got the name of the railroad CON-
pany Oh the side, and 1 expect it
belongs to them. Have you lost a train
anywhere!''