The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-09-07
NO. 466.
WIzT AND WISD0M.

45
especially 9 life insurance company.
Because woman has a b In her bonnet Ii
is no sign she always wants to stay to hum
Binghampton Republican.
Society writer's say that polite dbs are in-y
dispensable to a refined civilization. OF
course. Arc they not civil lies, sirsS
Jones says that after trying for years to
photograph his girl upon hisiheart, all he got
from her in the end was negative.
" It's the little bits o9 things that tand
worry us" says Josh Billings, we kan
dodge an elephant but we kant fly"
One pretty st. Louis girl has got whole
club on string. The same may be said Of
New York policeman Herald P. I.
When the comet passes frisly little planet
like Mars, the man that blows the horn sings
out Tally-ho l'-Andrew's Queen.
The Detroit Free Press is astonished to
discover that g you can't tell servant girl
from countess when they wear bathing
suits.Y
soft answer turneth away wrath but a
nice, soft banana-peel, lying with it's buttered
side down, generally produces the opposite
effect.
Characters must be made, they can't be-
bought, although lot of second hand ones
would prove blessing to great many men.
-Elmra Telegram.
"Did you hurt YOURSELF" inquired
sympathetic passer by of man who had
slipped and fallen. No, confound it - was
the reply but the pavement did,
The school which Mary attended when the
children laughed and played quito against the
rule, was conducted on the occasion by lamb
plight. Meriden Recorder
"Will you take some Toe cream this even
ingp" Yes, and tomorrow evening and
any other evening, when it's good evening
for ice cfeam.-Keokuk Gate City.
A parcel containing $4,000 in greenbacks
was left on a saloon counter in New York for
four hours. 1t looked like clean shirt and
was therefore let alone.-Detroit Free Press
The question is asked " What does man
take which also takes him 9' Well. We don't
speak from experience, you know, but think
that g Jersey lightning" fills the BILL
Haokensack Republican .a
Mrs. spriggins was Boosting of her new.
house. The windows, she said, were all
stained. " That's too bad, but won't benzine
or turpentine wash It OF 9n asked the good
Mrs. Oldbody. s
Z" / understand your son Is bachelor Of
arts, said Mrs. Brown to Mrs. Homespun,
whose son has just been graduated al Har-
ward. Well, yes" replied Mrs. Homespun,
Eyes, he's bachelor--but he's engaged"
A little girl, about three years old, was
crying one day, when her mother said, "Hush,
my dear, you know you never got anything by
crying" Quick as flash the little girl re-
Piled ayes l have--a whipping, many a
timo.p ah
It's all very we'll to say that "bird in the
hand is worth two in the bush y but if the
bird in our hand is q venerable barn yard
rooster, and the birds in the bush q brace of
fine, plump cartridges, we'll take our chances
on the bush.
You can't fool Jenkins. He says it is we'll
enough to say that whiskey is more danger
Gus than water but he don't believe it.
Thousands of people are drowned in water,
but he never heard OF one being drowned in
whiskey.
"What ara your politics y the chaplain of
tbs Iowa penitentiary asked Of an intelligent
looking convict " l have not come out for
anybody yet" replied tho convict, gazing
placdly through the bars.--Philadelphi
Bulletin.
Prof. Harris says " there is a coming of the
macrocosm into the microcosm. We have
scented it In the air for several days, but We
supposed it came from bone factory. The
odor ii pretty nearly the same. --Norristown
Herald.
81 declare, II there isn't the deacon's
daughter out with bran new shawl. Well,
I never" Hush ~ said better informed
female. "Tisn't hers. It's one she borrow
ed from the company that's visiting over t,
deacon's" s'Well, there's one thing know.
She can't depend on borrowing to look well in
heaven. She'll have to wear her own angel
plumage when she gets there" And they
both bowed their heads as the minister open
ed the service.--New Haven Register.
81 wonder what has become of the scis-,
sors ~ said Mrs. johnson the other day
| g have been looking for them all the evening
and can't find them high or low" After a
while the hired Dutchman commenced pull
ing off his boots, preparatory to going to bed.
9 All dis day." said he, g I tink got some
| little grabble stones In my poot. kess kit
him out now" When he turned up his boot
all that he could find in it was thimble, a
pair Of scissors, half loaf of bread and few
dozen tacks. - q
| ------e---s s---~s---------- III
THE NECESSITY OF SLEEP.-A sound and
| long sleeper has been ranked among the surest
prognostics of a long life, and sleep after
wasting disease as the most certain symptom
of recovery. Most brain workers are afflicted
with occasional fits Of insomnia, but the
facility Of sustaining health and yigor upon
a very small allowance Of sleep Is generally
eoncolnitant of nferiority or at least mac
tivity. The most intelligent animals dogs
/ and rnnnkevs gleeD longest stupid bruteS