Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1881-06-10

The bride was PLAIN friends declared
| For once his Judgment had miscarried.
Poor Gus heard all. well, boys" he sail,
| Her face is plain but do not blame me;
She worth at least ten thousand pounds,
And So her HJuTf Oyercame me-
| Thomas was q carpenter but, owing to
dullness in trade, he engaged as footman
at the ''big hoose" i'll the village. On the
day of his engagement his mistress, hay
ing a lady visitor in the drawing room,
rang the bell for the fo0tman. You will
show this lady the front door, Thomas"
she said. ''Yes, mem, replied Thomas ;
and bowing to the lady, he requested her
to follow him. On coming to the door,
III opened it, and the lady was about to
pass out, when Thomas. tapping her on
the shoulder remarked: 'This is the
door, mem guild pitch pine int, framed
twa an half inches thick, with raised
holdings !; wad cost about twapoond ten,
mem.
a camel can 60 through the eye of
needle, but he has to hump himself up to
doit
"Well," said Blifkins, maicstically,
eve mustn't be too severe on the young
fellows. l suppose l was MS big fool as
any of them when | was young" ''Yes,"
replied FogS, land you are not an old
nssn now, Blifkins.
Surprise parties are coming into vogue
again. The person to be surprised issues
the invitation through friend, and then
has the house splendidly decorated with
flowers and some magnificent food in the
pantry, and everything in fine shape, 80
people can see that the hostess has things
in fine style when she doesn't expect COM
pany.-BOstOn Post.
4 Harlem mocking bird is an adept at
singing Moody and Sankey hymns, and
nothing but the cage prevents il from
taking mp collection.
\ youm painter says with an air Of sin
ccrity, Il don't want to brag, but l cher
ish Il humble conviction that possess all
the excellencies of Raphael and Michael
Angelo without any Of their defects"
But, says one of the auditors, ''in that
case You are superior to them both p
Thanks, old fel = says the artist, press
ing his hand warmly
Translated from Der Omnibus Presi-
dent to the complainant you have the
Mr.. Meyer on account of patriotic offend
ing complained l must confess that l of
a such injury hitherto yet not heard have.
But carry your affair ono time before"
Complainant-"M President High
Court of Justice 1t was a patriotic Of
fense, as You directly hear shall. See
you. and Meyer are neighbors ; that is,
he lives to me obliquely opposite. For
eight days now he rage upon me have
in short, what think you he does? He
lays himself there. above i'll the window,
shows me three times his tongue, and
| cries then loud over the street hereover
Il dcspise You so far as the German
| tongue reaches"
| Professor to class i'll trigOnometery-"A
man six feet high is able to distinguish
an object three miles out at sea-" In
| quisltiye frcsll-"How far can he see if
his eyes are on level with the water?"
Professor Probably about as far as the
end of his nose" The recitation pro-
ceeds without further interruption.
| Williams IhCnuHm.
And now doth the jocund farmer pack
his family i'll the cellar, and call his rook
cry the Pigeons Bower, and try to ill it
with guests at $50 n week per head
NeW York Commercial 1drertiScr.
The Whitehall Times knew a man III
its neighborh0od who went out with
set purpose of drowning himself, and as
|
keep his clothes dry. He is the same
ting into the bath tnb.
Why is fellow who has nothing to
boast of but his pedigree, like potato?
Well, if you must have it, because the
only good belonging to him is under
ground.-JHdy.
1t is funny, thinks the New York Er-
press, that nobody has ever called hop
merchant skipper. Equally so that no
one has ever called card-player deck
hand.
Lightning singled out $1,000 stallion
to kill at Bloomington, ILL.,, leaving COM
paratively valueless horses uninjured.
The owner. who had been an earnest
Christian, resigned his church member
ship, and resumed II long neglected habit
of profanity, declaring that Providence
was against him anyhow.
\ difficult question Sluirc's daugh-
t,r What is this W. hear ubaut your
father and mother quarreling 50. Peggy?
Peggy-Thcy' each had Il little money
left EN-, Miss, and think feytner he
wants the lot. Anyways, they can't agree
nohow whether her money Is his'n, or his
hern, or his II and hers hern.-Ftm.
The potato bug must hide his diminish
ed head before the approach of the Crio-
ceris Aparagi. This is his swell name.
When he is at home in his shirt sleeves
he allows folks to cali him the asparagus
beetle lie is warranted to withstand the
ravagcs Of heat and cold rain, frost and
snow, and attends tn business with un-
failing regularity and Oh easy terms 10
large and small purchasers. He comes
dressed in black, red and yellow, like
foreign prince or a circus clown, and fat
tens on Paris green and pizens Of all
kinds BOStOA TrdItScript
\ kcntuckian who was killed the other
day by falling from his ::horse named his
five children Avenue Belle, China Figure.
London Judge, Hebrew Fashion and
Southern Soil. .'iow much happier
those children would be to-day" thought
fully remarks the Jersey City Journat,
'.if their father had fallen OFF his horse
and killed himself IL year before tine old
est was born.
Professor Occurring upon the rhinocer-
os)-''l must beg you to give me your in
dividual attention. 1t is absolutely i'm
possible. that you can form true idea of
this hid eous monster unless You keep
your eyes fixed on mo.
"lIcnry," said his wife with chilling
, sev~ity, Il saw you coming out Of a sa-
loon tlli; afternoon" well, my dar
ling, replied the heartless man, you
wouldn't have your husband staying in
saloon all day, would you -
> Translated from the Omnibus: Wood
hacker ''You, Mr.. roliceman there
above i'll the fourth story is one mad
man becomcl" Wood hacker indeed,
he cries already since one pair of hours
continually, In the deep cellar sit
here y"