, 1881-01-07
The Sorrows and Joys OF Royalty.


Gar. With ordinary monuIchas the
sorrows and burdens OF royalty are suf-
fcient to outweigh its joys. The un-
easiness of the slumber of the crowned
head has long been proyerbil. If a
ruler who is beloved by his people and
whose dominion is undisturbed by war
fare or conspiracy have a difficult time in
composing himself to rest, what must
the Cars pillow be? Common people
sometimes see ghosts at night, but the
ghosts which appear to them are tame
and lovely creatures as compared with
those which torment the midnight hours
of the unhappy Gar. The Cars ghosts
carry poison and all manner Of deadly
weapons and make the most desperate
threats. They arc so numerous that it
does not puy to bind them over to keep
the peace. The methods of assassina-
ton with which they threaten their vic.
tim are so various as, to defy preventive
ingenuity. The Gar has to have his
food analysed, and in order that some
lurking elements of mischief may not
dodge the analysis he compels some
of his attendants first to partake OF
what is set before him. Thus they have
the advantage of the original attack upon
the yiands, while the Car must, in order
to gain the full benefit of this plan of
safety, wait until he sees whether or not
they fall dead. This practically makes
him regular eater at the second table.
The dyspepsia and other ailments en-
gendered by this method of dining are
rapidly making the Gar candidate for
the experiments OF all the quacks in the
Russian Empire. He is afraid OF Rus
sian doctors and Russian remedies, the
only nostrums he dares to take being
those which are sent in sealed packages
from this country. When the court
doctors prescribe for him and he takes
their doses, it is with the understanding
that for each dose he takes the pre-
scribing doctor first swallows one of
equal size in the presence of the imperial
invalid. 1t is only by this means that
he is certain that oxalic acid is not given
him for Epson salts or strychnine for
Peruvian bark.
One of the most uneasy experiences OF
the Gar is when he travels. To even
the ordinary traveller there is constant
danger Of collision or arrangement. To
the Gar these dangers are multiplied
thousand fold. The anticipation of his
journey is cheered by the receipt of nu-
merous letters announcing the intention
of the anonymous writers to tip his train
off the track OF otherwise to interfere
with its running arrangements. Just
now His Majesty is about to take run
from Liyadia to St. Petersburg. In
stead of taking his carpet bag in his hand
and quietly going, without making any
fuss about it, he is compelled to put
himself to the most extraordinary
inconvenience to thwart the plans of
those who would slay him. There are
several lines of railway, of which he can
take his choice. On each of these lines
will simultaneously be sent n special
train. As part OF the journey is made
in the night, the Gar hires great null
titude of people to stand like stieet lamps
along both sides of each road, and with
torches and other light-giving appa-
ratus do what they can towards turning
night into day. In one of the trains
lighted, he is to be concealed, and the
faithful subjects who hold the torches on
each of the roads will suppose that they,
rather than any of the others, are illu-
minatiug the path of their sovereign. 1t
is possible that, with all this pomp of
precaution, the poor monarch will have
furtively slipped of beforehand in an
ordinary train, disguised as n peanut
pedller or n vender of railroad sand
wiches. Arriving at st. Petersburg, it
may be only to find that the palace and
its surroundings are newly undermined
ana supplied with dynamite, SO as, with
one bang, to finish him and all that he
has. AS il is misery for him to live, it
is comparatively pleasant for the Gar
to contemplate the probability of being
taken off; unless he is afraid Of being
more uncomfortable where he next goes
than in his present state of existence.
In pleasant contrast to the botherations
suffered by the Gar is the easy flow OF
the peaceful life of the amiable gentle.
man who expects some day to be King
of England. The Prince Of Wales has
nothing to do except to eat, drink and be
merry. He goes to agricultural fairs
aud to exhibitions Of prize animals. He
runs in debt as much as he pleases, and
everybody in the kingdom is willing to
trust him. The other day he went to
where there was prize pig, and some
ladies' asked him if the creature was not
both sweet and lovely. TO this he re-
piled that it was both of these. Then u
manufacturer of prize mustard came
along and desired the Prince to taste the
condiment The obliging scion of roy
atty pleasantly put his thumb into the
jar, as the traditional HorAer did into
the pie. Instead of pulling out plum
he pulled out mustard, which he kindly
tasted and unhesitatingly approved. 1t
is great honor to be Mustard Maker
to the Prince of Wales" Had mustard
thus been offered to the Gar he would
have suspected death to be lurking in
the pot and would have made the mus
tard man first sample the pungent mix
turo. Wales has a happy and eNsy time
of it, at good pay, The Gar also IT,.
ceives living salary, but he wound
gladly give up every copeck cs it i he
could be as free from trouble as the hum
blest peasant in his EmpiIo. Philadci
phia Times.