The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-02-12
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Water colors-So does whisky.
TO get along wel-Dig it deep.
Scare fcet-A balloon ascension.
A grave crror-Burying live man.
"I should blush to simpcr," il the latest slang
The cheerful giver-Hc who gives him three
cheers.
Emulate the mule; it is backward in deeds of
violence.
Jonah was the Grst conundrum-thc whale
gave him up.
Fire out, and no coal to replenish 1t, is u CRATE
sorrOw.-tE
But greater sorrow Is sire out" at the end
of a pair of cowhidc boots
Jamaica rum is made from old boots-proba
bly, TO utilize the snakes.
any works dun" remarked the collector, rs
he started out in the morning.
ebay Christian laugh" inquiries the New
YORK Sun in Il headline Well, We should smile.
In Lila new role Mr.. Gould will appear under
the name Of stanley Matthews OF OHIO. ". !.
Sur
To keep apples from decaying, put them in
dren.
One Of the most stunning costumes at Sarato-
ga WAS worn by lady who registered thus;
"Mrs. - and made"
Did you ever notice how exactly man will
draw the line between las sidewalk and that of
his uClghbor when he /, shoycling snow%'
'sWhy don't you try Carriers Little Liver Pills."
asks the Rockford ,Ioppoi Of it, readers. Per
haps they haven't got little livcrs" besides they
may no. BE- quite ready yet to send in their chips
Could anything he neatcr than an old darkcy'S
reply 10 beautiful young lady whom he offered to
Lifts over the gutter. "LOr, missus," said he as
used TO lifting barrels OF sugar"
When ia,cs left Fremont for Washington he
lent neighbor barn.shovel. On his last trip
home he walked half mile to say that he should
want the shovel returned early in March
new book il out called SLOW TO Draw and
Paint" There are lots Of actresses who can paint
frst-rate, but they do not draw worth a cent. 80
Ne,r Cr',0"s FicayU.e.
Senator David Davis, a Washington CORES.
pondent writes, contrivcs now and then to get
his feet Oh his desk in the Senate Chamber. To a
spectator in the galleries the solcs Of his boots
look like two black boards.
JOscph Snow, Of Indiana, told his wife to shut
her lead. That was twcnty.onc years ago and
she has not spoken since, though constantly Nv
ing together as man and wife Joseph is of course
fat add coUirutrd.
He softly kissed his sleeping wife
Then with lingering look
fond affection straightwav went
aud kissed nCr pretty cook.
Ala for him! the gentle wife
He thought asleep was not,
hnd for the cook and husband too
She made 1t mighty hot.
II there i a man anywhere who has not been
assigned place in Gariiuld's Cabinet, VIC trust
he vii! ut once send IN his name We feel an.
GhOrHcd, III behalf OF harmony, to assure him
Shat the omission has not boon INSTRUMENTATION
Ga.
'Hour opponent was a bright speaker" tho
citizen said TO the candidate who had not been
elected by 600 majority Eyes" was the sad
reply "yary bright. He cast reflections upon
INC all through the camragu."
A Baltimore lady twcnty.scycn years of age,
was poisoned by pair Of green stockings. The
ignorance OF some people Is shocking. 1t would
appear that II woman OF that age should know
that stockings should never bc worn until ripe. |
Don't cuss the cold, my Churlsh friend
But can it for the future,
Unless YOU mend your waya, and make
garb Of virluc suit yer"
You'll reach climate Just beyond
The promised COntagration
Where one good solid iCicc
Aoud help you like "tarnation."
- YOnkcrS Gd:,th.
IN experienced matron says: "a man will
cat soSgy biscuits twice a week without com
plant when his girl invites him out to tea but
when thc girl becomes his wife, If there ia the
fsinLcst u,pcion of salcratus in them the neigh.
bors viii thinl; the district school is out for re-
ccs5 " the racket he rnnkcs."
A rsini,cr at Ayr, Scotland, recently intro
duced The following petition into his Sunday
prayer 30 Lord, bless the Established Church,
and tie Free Church. and the United Prcsbyter.
an Church, aud all the other churches. Thou
knove6t the various nick names, Lord, by which
they ace called; bless them all"
Shy' the Brooklyn Eag',: "Thosc who are dis.
posed to fnd fault with the republican machine
for insisting upon selecting United States sena
Tor trcra this statc, ought to remember that the
senator (Mr Plato it has just selected is Il very
amsl' one.
Hickory street gil, willie visiting in ma
chine shop recently, had her scarf and clothin.
csaeLt by an upright watcr-whecl shaft making
eighty revolutions minute, and was whirlcG
about shrec minutes before the machinery could
be stopped. On being released she said 1t was
Like the racquet Only there are not more than
six fellows IN society who so so slow.
Was there ever a better example OF the witty
and concise form of expression common TO the
reA Western American than the answer OF the
grim man Of the Serras, who, when asked about
the character Of ncIghbor, sentimcntally re-