Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-11-30

brother Gardncr HissertRtion On the
Perfectly Honest Wan.


"1f l should find a perfeckly honest man
honest In his expressions. horest in his dealings
sincere in his statements-I shouldn't like him."
SAID Brother Gardner as the meeting was called
to order 'He would be lonesome object in dis
age. lie would seek in vain for companionship.
While believe dat honesty am de bes' policy. |
doan look to see it practiced beyand certain
limit WhenI trade mules wild man kinder like
todouot hisword. Iwant to feel dat he am keepin'
SUI pout de ring-bones an spavins. an dat de
oeist he says am jist turnin' foteen Vars will
heooer see his twenty-first birthday no moar II
am HOMOGENEOUS to deal wild man who am per-
feckly honest. If | lend man money want
him to be honest nuff to return it, but if he Kin
trade me watch worth So for gun worth
seben shall think none the less of him. If men
were SO sincere dat we felt obleegei to believe
wfateber dey asserted we should hey no use fur
theories an arguments. When glib INV note |
expect to pay it. When | AK a man how he
would like to trade his wheelbarrow fur NV dog
m not gwine to inform him dat Caesar am all
bark an no bite. an he am not gwine To tell me
dat he borrowed dat wheelbarrow i'm de night
an forgot to return it. If a grocer leaves me in
charge of his stO lie gwine to sot fur half an
hour beside box of herrings an keep my hands
In my pockets all de time. Yet. if dat same
man sells me pound of tea he expects me to
try an pass Off on him aahalf dollar wild hole
i'm it.
'COntiner. my frens, to believe dat honesty
am de bes policy, but doan' expect too much of
so-called honest men. You kin trust men via
your Wallet who would borrow pitchfork an
nebher return it, You kin lend your boss to a
man who would cheat you blind in tradn ober-
coats You kin send home par of dead ducks
at noon by man who would steal your live
chickens at midnight. When lend nv navbur
Mocha coffee like to wonder if he won't pay it
back in Rio. When de ole woman BUYS caliker
on guarantee she rather hopes it will fade i'm
dc washln'. Isolemnly believe dat de world am
honest nun list as it am. When you gin your
word stick to it if it busts de bank When YOU
do a job of work do it well. When you make a
dept pay IL. Any man who am mo- honest dan
dat VIII want you to cut penny i'm two to make
out MS shilling; he will ring you up at midnight
10 return your mousetrap: he will take one shin
gle from your bunch an offer you de Tooth part
OF what de bunch cost; he will borrow your boot
jack an insist dat you borrow his washboard to
offset it. We will now proceed to bzness."
TOO MUCH INSANITY.
81 hev heah letter from Ohio AKIN me il dis
American nashun am not becomin' a nashun of
lunatics," said the President, while the janitor
was fixing up the stove anew. "Dar am good
reason to think so. When Cabinet officer sells
his honor fur money what shall we call it? When
Judge panders to de criminal class what shall
we term it! When honest, respectable men will
turn politishuns an wallow in de mire fur de
sake OF securin' office, kin you call it anything
but lunacy? Men commit murder. and we dis
kiyer dat dey hev bin insane fur years Men
steal, rob an embezZle. an insanity has to bar
de burden. / kin pick up dis ink bottle an
walk over and crack Elder ToOts skull an plead
insanity, and expect jury to clear me. Pickles
Smith kin waylay me as go home tonight an
rob me of 81 in silver. recipe fur sailing down
CLANS an photograph of General jackson
laIdin from the Mayfiower. an yit if he pleads in
sanity he am sartn to go free.
LET me say to you dat l doan' believe in in
sanity. De insane burglar who enters my cabin
will miss de top of his head. De lunatic who
draws knife on me am gwine to get hurt L
keep dog to bite the insane thieves who want
to plumber my garden. If 1 am drawn on a
jury, shall vote to send cherry insane prisoner
to de penitenshary for de longest possible period
When man steals, shall call him a thief:when
ne robs shall call him robber; when he kills,
l shall call it murder an hold dat de Jury who
lets him off am entitled to thirty lashes apiece
at de Whippin' post"