The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-05-06
A LudicrOus ElOpement.

when first the arrow is lodged in his
heart. The attitudes and awkward COM
binations Of personal presentation are
painful to an outsider, to say nothing OF
what he suffers See him cross his legs,
first one on top and then the other, and
then see him shoot them out In front,
and run his hands in his pockets; then
he draws in his feet, doubles them under
the chair, pulls his hands out of his
pockets and drops them down by his side,
stretches, yawns, bushes, and almost
dies trying to say it. Poor fellow, it is
martyrdom while it lasts, and when he
does "get his mouth of" it's like put
ting beggar on horse back; he Just
canters off to paradise with happy go
lucky indifference that is enviable, bar
ring an obstruction on the track, and
then over on his head he tumbles, when
cruel parents intervene and refuse to
ratify.
A ludicrous case of this sort of agony
occurred near the place of my nativity
about twenty-five years ago, in which I
had my sympathies so reused that was
moved to lend the hero some assistance.
His name was Joe, and his girls, Mar
tina Jane, to whom he had surrendered
his entire heart, stock, lock and barrel
without reservation of any kind, which
she gushingly reciprocated by adding
her entire stock in trade in the partner
ship proposed. But the old folks de-
mured-refused to ratify-threatened a
war of extermination- banished Joe, and
belied Martha Jane, besides several other
threatened acts of dire hostility. In fact,
Joe and Martha Jane had the biggest
spider put in their dumpling ever known
since Adams and Ewes apple scrape.
Their hearts all but "busted' they
didn't.
The parties were neighbors-lived In
sight of each other-Joe ON the hill and
Martha Jane in the bottom. When
Martha Jane came forth to nourish
her young fowls with a preparation of
ground corn and water, she would cast
her loving eyes upward and rest them on
Joe, who would from above look down
aflectionately on his Martha Jane, and
they would sigh and swallow great hunks
of grief as big as apple dumplings.
Joe was 80 badly off that was sorry
for him, and when he called upon me to
assist him, [ proceeded at once to the
prospective mother-in-law (more or less)
with my eloquence, from whom t
proceeded from whence running.
but my time was good. I reported pro-
gress, and begged to be excused. Joe
got worse and worse; threatened to
commit-well, to steal something, and
did make divers efforts to steal his girl,
but the old folks slept on their arms.
Joe was getting terribly bad off; he said
he must have her; that I mast steal her
for him. | tried to prevail on him to
bide his time; but, no, have her he must.
and [ must do the job for him; he knew
/ could do it if | would, and he wanted it
done right off.
When found Joe couldn't wait, Icon
sented to try my hand. I was about
Martha's age, and the thought occurred
to me that | would dress in woman's
clothes and let Joe steal me, and see if
1t would ''sorter" cool his ardor. l con-
hded my plan to some of the boys, and
they approved it and promised their as
distance. We concluded that we would
let the old man, Martha James father,
into the secret and arrange for him to
pursue us with his hounds, of which he
had about o dozen, when we made the
attempt. The old man entered into the
affair eagerly, for he despised Joe.
After we had fixed oil the preliminaries
Of time, place and manner OF proceeding.
we adjourned to meet the next Sunday
night and have the chase We met ac-
cordiug toadjournmentat the time agreed,
and a woman hitched me up in some Of
her gear, with a parcel of things tied
round my waist-I don't know what
they all were, but know the outside
was calico, and it was in two pieces; one
was the tail, which was tied on first, and
Che other was sort of jacket with sleeves
oft, of some dark sort of stuff These,
with white sun-bonnet, and blue veil,
and some cotton stuffed in judiciously to
give me gushing makeup, having been
provided as indispensable to my toilette,
/ was ready and willing to be Joe's--for
time
When we arrived near Martha James
house, the old man was waiting for us.
We arranged that after we had got about
a quarter of mile off, one of our party,
(who remained behind for the purpose)
should notify Joe that we had Martha
Jane, and when Joe came tearing by the
house, the old man was to give him
salute from his old double-barrelled shot
gun, Very soon here came Joe full tilt
down the hill towards the creek. Bang
went the venerable shotgun, and away
went Joe, and soon came the old man on
his sway-back horse, with his hounds
and shotgun, and accompanied by his
son.
Mltchellville was the objective point
of the expedition, and it was about five
miles off. The boys got Joe's arms from
him to protect his girl, and prevailed on
him to rush ahead pay the toll-gate fees.
proceed on to Mitchellville and have the
license ready, so as to have no delay.
Accordingly, Joe went off at a lope, paid
the toll for us, and gave strict orders not
to let Martha Jones father through; but
when the old man came to the gate he
Just jumped his old sway-back over il,
and on he came. his hounds in full cry.
The way he ''got up and got" along that
pike was a scene not to be forgotten.
The fuss he made aroused everybody en-
route.
Our crowd consisted OF five, besides
Joe, and we arrived at Mitchellville about
Top. m. Joe was there, and as soon as
I had dismounted, he was at my side and
led me UP to the door and ratified it so
that the startled Justice opened it at
once, but, upon seeing. as he supposed.
a female, closed it to arrange his toilet
Meantime, the old man and his hounds
could be heard nearing rapidly. whis-
pered to Joe l wanted to retire around
the corner of the house to arrange my
dress, and he said, excitedly, BE in q
hurry, the old man will soon be here"
l did make haste, for no sooner had l got
around the corner than / darted through
gate, ran down the side of a fence,
crept through an opening into back
yard, and hid behind an ash-hopper.
When the Justice had got clothes on.
he opened the door to tell us to come in.
but, of course, wasn't there, and Joe
was running frantically round the house
looking for his girl, while the old man
and his dogs were coming nearer every
minute. The Justice came out and Joe