davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19
Humorous.

A good prophet--One hundred
per cent.
The aim of a shrewd beer seller
ID to draw head on his leges.
II would like to die to night,n
pens a poet, for once coming into
sympathy with the people.
Marriage says an exchange,
"is q knotty question" 1t Is, In
deed, but It's nice.
1t Is not necessary for a man to
keep his mug at the BARRIERS shop,
but he must take 1t there to be
shaved.
An exchange says: STREAMS all
over the country are running dry.
This is a canard. When a stream
is dry IL can't run.
A familiar instance of color
blinduess Is that OF man taking
a brown silk umbrella and leaving
a green bingham In Its place.
A domestic named Angelic Jor-
dan has passed over her last name.
and became a portion of her first
name. Coal oil did 1t.
A Baltimore clergyman recently
preached on the subject. why
was Lazarus a beggar?n We sup
pose because he didn't advertise.
II is considered lawful for cler-
gyman to exchange pulpits on q
Sabbath day, but 1t would not
look well for them to swap jack
knives.
A man who is as true as steel
possessing an iron will, some gold
and fair proportion OF brass,
should he able to endure the hard
ware of this world.
The quick way to find out
whether a gun Is loaded or not,
Is to blow down the muzzle. Ifit Is
not loaded you will live to do 1t
again.
Not everybody will be able to
see the Nautch girls, but every
body can get pretty good idea
of their dance by putting two
hornets down the hired girls
back.
Emma Abbot says that kissing
on the stage ID no fun, OF course
it isn't. There's none Of the feeling
that you're doing something that
you ought not, about 1t.
A friend who has just read q
handkerchief filtration code, adj
vises all men desiring to avoid
breach OF promise suits to wipe
their mouths with their c0at-tails.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19

The average weight or en- adult
man Is 40 lbs. 6 or.
The average weight of a skele-
ton Is about Ia lbs.
Number of bones, $40.
The skeleton measures one inch
less than the height of the living
man.
The average weight of the brain
of a man is 81 lbs +; of q woman, 2
lbs. III or.
The brain of q man exceeds
twice that of any other animal.
The average height of an Eng
lIshman is 5 feet 8 inches; of q
Frenchman, 8 feet 4 inches, and of
q Belgian 8 feet CT inches.
The average weight of an Eng-
lishman Is 100 lbs. OF q French
man 1856 lbs, and of q Belgian, 140
lbs.
The average number of teeth
is 80.
A man breathes about 90 times
IN y minute, or 1900 times in an
hour.
A man breathes about Is pints
ofair in a minute, or upward of
hogsheads in day.
A man gives off 408 per cent.
carbonic gas of the air he respires;
respires 10 ,666 cubic feet of carbon
ic acid gass In "a hours; consumes
l0,667 cubic feet Of oxygen in "a
hours equal to 124 cubic inches
of common air.
A man annually contributes to
vegetation 12i pounds OF carbon.
4 he average Of the pulse In in
fancy Is 100 per minute; In man
hood 80; at so years 60. The pulse
of females is more frequent than
that of males
The weight Of the circulating
blaod 10 about % pounds.
The heart beats rs times in a
minute sends nearly 10 pounds
OF blood through the veins and ar
teries each beat makes 4 beats
while we breathe once.
$40 pounds, or one hogshead ii
pints of blood pass through the
heart In one hour.
10000 pounds, or "a hogsheads
gallons. or 10,7S21 pints. pass
through the heart in "a hours.
1000 ounces OF blood pass
through the kidneys In one hour.
$4,000 holes or cells are In the
lungs, which would cover o sur
face 80 times greater than tho hu-
man body.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19
$500 Reward.

We will pay the above reward for any
case of Liver Complaint, Dyspepsia, Sick
Headache, Indigestion, Constipation or
Costiyeness we cannot cure with Vests
Vegetable Liver Pills, when the directions
are strictly complied with. They are
purely vegetable, and never fail to give
satisfaction. Sugar Coated. Large Boxes,
containing 80 pills. 25 cents. For sale by
all druggists. Beware of counterfeits and
limitations. The genuine manufactured
only by JOHN G. WEST & CO., "The
Pill Makers" l8l and 1873 W. Madison
ST, Chicago. Free trial package sent by
mail prepaid ON receipt of a three-csnt
stamp. [aIg28'8 SO ly.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19

Thos Fitchan. Bradford Pa,
writes: enclose money for Spring
Blossom, as / said / would il il
cured me. My Dyspepsia has van.
ished. with all its saymptons.
Many thanks; i shall never be
without IL In my house: Price, so
cents, trial bottles 10 cents. For
sale by f. G. Williams & Bro,
druggists.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19

", UIt res ectfully announce TO tie pub
lie go dal"h "a , lesij she purchas-
"a o. - e. .'cr'n ;.re entire sock of
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19
MILLINERY GOODS,
Health is Wealth!


DR.. K. C. VESTS Nerve and Brain
Treatment; A specific for Hysteria, Dig.
illness, Commissions, Nervous Headache,
Mental Depression, Loss of Memory,
Spermatorrhea, Impotency, Involuntary
Emissions, Premature Old Age, caused by
over exertion, self abuse, or over indul-
gence, which leads to misery, decay and
death. One box will cure recent cases.
Each box contains one months treatment.
One dollar a box, or six boxes Cor five
dollars; sent by mail prepaid on receipt
of price. We guarantee six boxes TO
cure any case. With each order received
by us for ak boxes, accompanied with
FIVE dollars, we send the purchaser our
written guarantee to return the money il
the treatment does not effect cure. Guar
antees issued only when the treatment is
ordered direct from u.s. Address or call
on J. A G. HOVER, Drugg Martins
burg, W. Va, laughs '80'ly.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1881-02-19
Reapers and New Enclosed Gear
Mowers.

The most perfect Mover ever built. 2.704
in use in 1878, 10000 in use 1879. 1t is
the lightest draught mower in the world.
No side draught. Every machine war;
ranted to give satisfaction.
HAGERST0WN STEAM ENGINE
and Empire Threshing Machine;
also Horse Powers. The celebrated i'm
proved WILL0UGHBY GRAIN AND
FERTILIZER DRILL with patent Fertil
izer Cutoff, manufactured by j. b. Crow
ell b Co., Greencastle, Pa, the BAKER
IMPROVED GRAIN FAN, HORSE
RAKES, Corn Shelters, Barshear, Single
and Double-Shovel Flows. &c
Also dealer in FERTILIZERS, GRAIN,
SEEDS, FLOUR, SALT, HARD AND
SOFT COAL, Sawed and Split WOOD.
For Circulars and Prices call on or ad
dress, j. N. THATCHER,
West Martin St., near Lutheran Church,
mys's 0.ly MARrINsBuRG, w. VR.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

Colorado Springs stands on broad plateau,
the last of the level crested waves of the
Plains. To the west, in front of the town, is
a valley that extends over to the foot bills
looking through the clear air but a mile or
two distant, but III reality six miles away.
Beyond the foot hills, eight miles further
westward, rise in all thor majesty the Rocky
Mountains. Over these the eye sweeps along
in either direction for fifty miles. Standing
sentinel in their midst, directly opposite the
town, Pixies Peak towers snow-capped into
the clouds, more than fourteen thousand feet
high. One can lie stretched out upon the
grass upon the site Of the projected fine hotel
"a project that will be realized by this time
next year--and rest content for hours in the
satisfying beauty Of this mountain picture
1t changes as the sunlight shifts as little
clouds come drifting out lazily from maps
which they had been taking in quiet hooks
among the mountain peaks as storms gather
blackly or more thickly thoy break-but the
change seems always for the better and the
latest seems the best. Yet, when away from
the mountains, you shut your eyes and think
about them, the vision that is called up Ia
what you really see when you look at them in
mid or later afternoon.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22
, " ED HsVHHasiee Z. NE az az, 1881 1881.

advantage Of the people. Let the issue DO
deferred for : few yeass, and noEhia3 but 4
miracle or a revolution as violent as that Of
France will overthrow the oppression. ofall
misleading delusions, there is none more mis-
chievous than the notion that popular suffrage
and popular power are Synonymous. Given
the means of bribing multitudes, of intimida-
ting others, of wrecking opponents, coupled
with actual possession of the Government,
aud adverse sentiment must be paralyzed. If
the suffrage is to be our salvation, it must be
applied sharply while there are still odds on
the side of unbought and unterrorized man.
hood
A hundred columns might be filed with
similar expressions from newspapers published
in all parts of the country and now on file in
the office of the National Anti Monopoly
League. Comment is needless The public
welfare is in danger, and the influence of ev-
cry patriotic citizen is invoked to avert it.
Respectfully, &C.,
l.. e. CHIrrENDEN,
Pres't National Autobiography League.
Headquarters, z Warren st., N. Y.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22
B YspEpsrADR Nor 0eEDED


| wish to convince ybnr readers Of the lal~
lacy Of taking drugs for the cure OF dyspep-
STA. I have had life long experience With the
complaint, having inherited 1t from my father.
Although not a physician myself, yet think
can safely say without fear Of successful
contradiction that it is disease that never
can be permanently cured, so but what If the
same causes which produce it at first are
brought to bear it will be produced again
more readily than it was the first time.
Dyspepsia is briefly weakened stomach,
and as the only Office and duty of the stomach
is already weakened in consequence of being
overloaded, overtaxed more asked Of 1t than
it is able to perform, it is suicidal folly to ask
the poor weak organ to try to digest drugs,
which are wholly indigestible, and more or
less poisonous. Ny view of it is, in dyspep-
STA the stomach wants rest, absolute rest, and
nothing else will cure it but rest, and 1t never
can rest so long as we keep swallowing SUBJ
stances for it to digest. If we have an old
tired horse that is most worn out with hard
work, aud needs only rest to recuperate, we
are none of us so simple as to require him to
perform certain amount Of labor every day,
when the only thing he needs is to desist from
labor until he is rested and recuperated.
Dyspepsia exhibits itself in great variety
of ways, and is, as old DR.. Chase says,
"many headed monster" There are scarcely
two persons that have 1t exactly alike. / have
been so weak, years ago, that could not
walk half mile. My experience is, as a
general rule, that one should eat very mod
erately at first of such kinds of food as agrees
with him, and as will of itself keep his bowels
open aud loose. Take no drugs, no cathartics
Take all the exercise in the open air that is
possible to take without getting very weary,
for the person is not the stomach, nor the
stomach the person. Yet, il man gets ex-
cessively weary, it will weaken the stomach,
but moderate amount Of outdoor exercise
will create an appetite and excite the flow of
gastric juice into the stomach, which will
serve to assist 1t in digesting food. The same
kind of food does not agree alike with all
dyspeptics. What is good for one is poison
for another Toledo Blade.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22
POETRY.
TIE GATHERING PLACE.


know not where--beneath, above
The gathering place so wonderful,
But all who fill our life with love
Go forth to make II beautiful.
oh wealthy with all wealth ofgrace,
Ofnoble heart, of fair, sweet face,
Is that exalted meeting place.
Life changes all eur thoughts of Heaven
AT first we think ofstreets of gold,
OF walls as white as snow, wind driven,
OF lofty arches, grandly cold,
0fgates of pearl and dazzling light,
OF shining wings aud robes OF white.
And things all strange to mortal sight,
But IN the afterward of years
II is more familiar place;
home unhurt by signs and tears
Where waiteth many weli-known face;
Where little CHI ildren play and sing,
And maidens, and the old men bring
Their tributes to the gracious King.
With passing months 1t comes more near,
1t grows more real day by day
Not strange or cold, but very dear,
The glad home land not far away
Where no sea toucheth, making moan,
Where none are poor, or sick, or lone,
The place whore we shall find our own
And as we think of all we knew,
Who there have met and part no more,
Our longing hearts desire home too.
With all the strife and trouble DER.
So poor the world, now they have gone,
We scarcely bear TO think upon
The years before our rest Is won.
And yet our Father knoweth best
The joy or sadness that we need,
The time when we may take our rest,
And be from sin and sorrow freed.
So we will wait with patient grace.
Till, In that blessed gathering place,
We meet our friends, and see His face.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22
SAD ACCIDENT.
MIR. OSCAR CRAIGG Blown up by
Premature Blast in the RO-
sendale Cement QuaFry-DE-
STRUCTION of am EYE-ItS
Subsequent Removal by
Surgical Operation.


Mr.. Oscar Cragg foreman in cement quarry at
Rosendale, Ulster Co., N Y. BY an explosion one day
in the quarry he lost eyeost it totally. Under an
impression that the matter less serious the local
physician told Mr.. craigg that his eye was not lost
wholly but could be saved by treatment The expert
ment tried and failed Worse remained behind, for
he was in danger of losing the other also, through
sympathetic Inflammation In this strait he consulted
DR.. David Kennedy, Rondout, N. Y, who told him the
injured eye must be taken out to the other To
this MIR. Cragg demurred and went back home in
doubt. His local physician said go to New York;
To New York the patient went, and one of the most
eminent ocusts in the country, having looked at the
case, said You have lost eye entirely go back
and do what You to save the other" Briefly, Dr..
Kennedy removed the ruined eye, and treated Mr..
Craigg with Kennedys Favorite Remedy to build up
his system, and the result was successful.
DIR. Kennedy's great success Surgeon is due to
the = Favorite Remedy in the after treatment
Are you troubled with Dyspepsia, Liver Complaint,
Constipation, derangement of the Kidneys and Blad
der then use Dr. Kennedys" Favorite Remedy" II
will not disappoint you. Dr. Kennedy's Favorite
Remedy for sale by all druggists. jS4w.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

THE FoLLY OF THE DAY.--There is q
dreadful ambition abroad for being .'genteel -
We keep up appearances too often at the ex-
pense of honesty, and though we may not be
rich, yet we must seem to be respectable, -
though only in the meanest senses i'm mere
vulgar show. We have not the courage to 90
patiently onward in the condition of life in
which it has pleased God to call us but must
need live in some fashionable state to which
we ridculously please to call ourselves, and
all to crafty the vanity of that unsubstanta
genteel world, of which we form part.
There is a constant struggle and pressure for
front seats in the social amphitheatre in the
midst Of which all noble, selfdenying resolve
is trodden down, and many fine natures are
inevitably crushed to death. What waste,
what misery, what bankruptcy come from all
this ambition to dazzle others with the glare
of apparent worldly success, we need not des-
cribe. These mischievous results show them
selves in a thousand ways, lin the rank frauds
committed by men who dare to be dishonest,
but do not dare to seem poor; and in the des-
perate dashes at fortune, in which the pity is
not SO much for those who fail, as for the
hundreds of innocent families who are SO
often involved in the ruin.--Home journal.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22
VAN DYKES SULPHUR SOAP

superior to all other soaps II is combined with Sui
phur pure unadulterated state which enters the
pores the skim being absorbed into the blood through
the minute capilaries and thus acts upon the skin,
whether it be healthy in diseased condition, both
locally and consttutionally, thereby eliminating all
healthy action. II produces fneness, purity and
freshness fthe complexion which is unequaled and
or bath is complete without it. II makes the skin
soft clear pure, white and healthy Is cleansing de-
odorizing disinfvctng, soothing healing and purify
ing dandrn chatting, ulcers, sores, eruptions,
r0ughness and redness Of the skin relieves itching
burning and singing Of the skin. and irritation OF
biting and singing insects will relieve Itching Piles
when nothing else will have any effect. Ask for VAN
DYKES SULPHUR SOAP; insist upon it, and take no
imitation. Sold by druggists Asehenbach Miller,
Proprietors No 30 Callowhil street, Philadelphia Pa
Dec. %, 1S80-1y
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

THE KIND OF A FELLOW HE WAs.-A very
high toned looking young man in exquisite
moustache, low crowned hat, straw oolored
kids, and kniting-needle cane, walked into
tobacco store on Fourth street to-day and
throwing down half dollar on the counter.
said: "Well, this is the worst town ever
saw; gentleman can't get anything in 1t
satisfactory, and am utterly unable to sec
how person of fastidious taste can II We here
say Mr.. Shopkeepor, can you sell fellow q
decent cigar2"
" Yes, sir, said the cigar man meekly.
"Well, then, fly around lively and do it.
Don't you see that half dollaran
eyes, sir. What kind of cigar do you
wish, sir ?''
"What kind ?'
"Yes, sir"
"Why, look at me, sir, moment, and see
for yourself what kind of cigar would. suit
me-" and he drew himself up grandly and
gazed down on the shop keeper.
The shop keeper looked, and then took in
the half dollar, got out acigar, handed it to
the man with forty-nine cents change, and
said !: ~ owe you half cent, sir, but
can't make change unless you take another
cigar"
The nice young man looked at the shop
keeper, and then at the cigar, and then at
himself and without single word walked
out Of the shop. -,Steubenoitlo Herald.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

IL q ~
TOUCHING Story. --One rarely meets
with more touching romance than il found
.ia tbs following story which comes from
Wales a number OF years ago soma min
ers IN exploring an old pit that had long been
closed, found the body Of young man drss-
sed IN fashion long out Of date. The pecu--
liar action Of the air 81 the mine was such Il
70 preserve the body 50 perfectly that it ap-l
peared asleep rather than dead. The miners
were puzzled at the circumstances no one ID
the district had been missed within their re-
membranes, and at last il was resolved to
bring the oldest inhabitant, an old lady past
her eightieth year, who had lived single in
the village the whole of her life. On being
brought into the presence of the body a
strange scene occurred the old lady fell on
the corpse, kissed 1t and addressed 1t by every
tone of loving endearment, spoken id the
language of bygone generations. He was her
only love she had waited for him during her
long life J; she knew he had not forsaken her.
The old lady and the young man had been be-
trothed sixty years before. The lover had
disappeared mysteriously and she had kept
faithful during the long interval. Time had
stood still with the dead man, but had
left its mark on the living woman. The
miners who were present were rough set,
but very gently and with fearful eyes they
removed the old lady to her house, and that
night her faithful spirit rejoined that of het;
long lost lover. $50
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

A watch maker in Newcastle. Pa, says a
Pittsburg paper, has just completed set of
three gold shirt studs, in one of which is a
watch that keeps excellent time, the dial be-
ing about three eighths of an inch in diam
eter. The three studs are connected by a
strip of silver in the shirt bosom, and the
watch contained in the middle one is wound
up by turning the stud above, and the hands
are set by turning the one below. But per-
haps the most remarkable thing about the Ii
liputian machine is that it works with PEN
dulum, like clock, and the pendulum will
act with case and accuracy in whatever posi-
ton the timepiece is placed, even if it is turn
cd upside down.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

ORIGINAL SIN ACCOUNTED FoR.-In q
certain minister's family the conversation
once turned upon the character of the baby
Why was he so naughty? The BROTHER who
had reached the age of 10, and was studying
the steam engine in his intervals of catechism.'
gave vent to his orthodoxy in the following
suggestive inquiry: 'Papa, as We all inherit
the sin of Adam, and the baby is such little
fellow, is there not a greater pressure Of sin,
to the square inch in the baby than in any Of
the rest of us?"-Hagtford Courant.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

BABIES NEED WATER.--An old physician
relates his experience with a sick child, to
which he was called. 1t was crying and
struggling, and the mother in reply to query
said she could not remember when she had
given 1t any water-that she seldom did so,
and did not know that it needed any. The
doctor called for cold water, gave the infant q,
few tablespoonfuls, and it was relieved of all
its trouble, stopped crying and sank peace
fully to sleep in its mothers arms. Let this
be reminder to mothers and nurses. In
fants who nurse at the breast may often suffer
as much from want Of water as adults who
eat more solid food. Often when child cries
it is only thirst which causes it.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

LINEN PnoToeRApHs.-Photography is
making immense strides. method has been
discovered of solar printing on linen, which
may have wide application in business as well
as the arts. Photo-lithography is giving us
newspapers printed in colors. There are
several weekles now with very large circula-
tions, in which the pictures combine quite a
number of colors. The daily papers Of the
not distant future will involve pictures in all
the hues and shades of the world about us.
When battles are fought the photographers
will be on hand in stationary balloons, to
transfer the scene of the struggling columns
to sensitive plate. Fires will be photo
graphed, and great professions reproduced
from actual sunprints.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-06-22

Oldest Inhabitant That was good speci-
men of American wit in the reply made by
the old settler who had lived in his city since
1t was log cabin or two to the young man
who was putting him through a course of in
terrogatories. "You must have lived here a
long timer" 'sWell, reckon" 'How
long since you came here? ?" young man."
said the old settler, seizing the questicner by
the coat lapel "Do you see that hill across
the river?" pointing to a lofty peak. YES"
said the other, 81 do" swell, kim here,
sir, when that was nuth in but a hole in the
ground. "--Boston Commercial Bulletin.