The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1881-02-03
Waking the Wrong Man.

The fact that every business has its
particular lingo, which is a dead Ian
guage to people Of other professions, was
never more clearly shown than in the
following article by Bill Nye in the Chi
cago Tribune:
One night about half after II, Judge,
heard somebody step along to the win
dow of my boudoir. Hearing it that
time of night reckoned that something
crooked was going on, so slid out OF bed
and got my Great Blood Searcher and
Liver Purifier, with the new style of cen
ter fire and cartridge ejector, and slid up
to the window, calculating to shove
tonic into whoever it might be that was
pick-nicking around my claim.
l looked out so as to get good idea
of where 1 wanted to sink on him, and
then 1 thought before mangled him I'd
ask if he had any choice about which
part of his vitals he wanted to preserve,
so sings out to him:
"Look out below there, pard, for I'm
going to call the meeting to order in
minute Just throw up your hands, if
you please, and make the grand hailing
sign of distress, or I'll have to mutilate
YOU! Just show me about where you'd
like to have the fatal wound, and be
spry about it, too, because I've got my
brief costume on, and the evening air is
chill!'
He didn't understand me, apparently,
for gurgling laugh welled up from be-
low, and the party sings back:
"Hullo, Fatty, is that you? Just
lookin' to see if you'd fired up yet. You
| know was to come around and flag you
| if second seven was out. Well, I've been
down to the old mans to see what's on
the board. Three is two hours late and
four is reported on time. There's two
seven's out and two sections of nine.
Skinney'l take out first seven and
Shorty'n pull her with 102. It's you
and me for second seven, and Timber
Jim on front end and Frenchy to hold
down the caboose. First five is wrong
side up in washout this side of Ogallala,
and old Whatshisname that runs 253 got
| his crown sheet caved in and telescoped
his headlight into the New Jerusalem.
You know the little Swede that used to
run extra for Old Hotbox on the emil
grant for a while? Well, he's firing on
259, and he's under three flats and a
coal-oil tank, with break beam across
/, his coupler and his system more or less
relaxed. He's gone to the sweet subse-
| quently too. Rest Of the boys are more
or less demoralized and sidetracked for
repairs. Now, you don't want to monkey
around much, for if you don't loom up
like six bits and 60 out on the track, the
old manu give you time check and the
Oriental Grand Bounce. You hear the
mellow thrill of my bazoo."
Then I slowly uncorked the Great
Blood Purifier, and, moving to the foot
lights where the silvery moonbeams
could touch up my dazzling outlines, I
said: "Pardner, am pleased and graf
flied to have met you. I don't know the
first ding busted thing you have said to
me, but that's my misfortune. l am a
plain miner, and my home is the digest
tive apparatus of the earth, but for pro-
fessional melody of the chin you Ger
tainly take the cake You also take the
cake basket and what cold pie there is
on the dump. My name is Woodticb
Williams. I discovered the Feverish
Hornet up on Slippery Ellum. L am
proud to know you. Keep right on get,
ting more and more familiar with youl
profession, and bye and bye, when no
body can understand you, you will be
promoted and respected, and you will al
last be sleeping-car conductor an6
revel in the biggest mental calm an6
wide shoreless sea of intellectual stagna
ton that the world ever saw. Yor
will -"
But he was gone.
Then I took the pillow-sham and wipet
! some of the pulverized crackers off the
soles of my feet and went to bed in ,
large COB of gloom.