The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-12-07
FLOATING FANOIEs.


''Pay as you go" is good advice, and does
very well for the man who doesn't &c yery
much.
A h~ighwayman in Texas got a sentence OF
ninety-nine years. This sentence is nearly
IS long as one Of Mr.. Eyarts'.
1t rains alike on the just and the unjust
and on the just, mainly because the unjust
have borrowed their umbrellas.
The Omaha Republican says the spirit Of
mortal is proud because it costs fifteen cents
q glass. This puts the matter in q new
light.
4 coroner's verdict reads thus, ssThe de-
ing, producing apoplexy in the minds of the
jury
A clergyman says: IA young woman
died in my ~neighborhood, yesterday, while
was preaching the gospel ia a beastly state
of medication"
'Isn't your husband a little bald p asked
one lady Of another in q store recently.
There isn't a bald hair in his head" WAS
the hasty reply of his wife.
The latest is that Oscar Wilde doesn't look
like a poet. This will tend to destroy the
lingering traces Of an opinion that he might
possibly be one.
Tenders wlfe's uncle on her mothers side
is so scrupulous]y temperate that he won't
eat cider apples nor patronlze a misquito bar.
,
The acme of p%oliteness was reached by the
Nevada mining superintendent who posted a
placard reading: ''Please do not tumble
down the shaft"
When any object is brought too close to
the human eye it cannot be seen; for that
reason we cannot see a fault in ourselves
which we plainly see in others. P. Sand
lots of us don't want to.
It is the opinion of the Buffalo that
if all duels were like Virginia duels there
would not be so much objection to dueling.
Really the only wicked thing about them is
their extravaganza waste Of ammunition.
The Memphis Appeal says, 1.-The hair we
wear, the ivory teeth through which we
smile, are bogus, and Of course frauds upon
the public" Very few editors would frankly
confess so much.
A man in Massachusetts, has refused to
fulfill his promise to give 81, 900 to the Bap-
list Church in Dedham because he thought
he discovered in the pastors sermon upon
the death of President Garfield a tendency
to man-worship.
One hour Of experience is worth four
hours of reading, for in print you have but q
weak copy Of someone's experience. tx
%perience with a mad dog, however, is not so
profitable as 10 read a graphic account of
how the animal was killed.
A little girl went timidly into q shop the
other day, and asked the shopman how
many shoestrings she could get for o penny.
''How long do you want them 2 he asked
II want them to keep was the ansWe in
q tone Of slight surprise.
The London Pail Mall Gazette says the
United States is t'the most powerful nation
in the world" The editor Of the Gazette has
evidently had q glimpse Of our navy. We
thought that would strike terror to the Brit
ish soul.
Christmas cards grow larger, more artistic
and more expensive. In d few years . young
man that has only q couple Of hundred dol
lars to spend during the holidays will be un-
decided whether to buy his girl q Christmas
card or q good watch and chain.
''Vot poat club is dose?' asked old Baron
Oistersteupan at Yorktown, pointing his
cane in the direction Of the United States
Navy, which lay in the harbor. The Baron
can't have Q very elaborate idea of the size
Of our American boat clubs.
There is always 50 much spelling Of milk
with chalk water in New York and its vicin-
ity that, according to the latest, most dill
gent researches of Professor Huxley, the
chalk cliffs Of old England's coast will dis
appear in twenty years, five months, nine
days and six and one-half hours.
Twentyseven thousand baby carriages were
manufactured in one Massachusetts town last
wear, and the manufacturers could not fill
all their orders.-Erchange. The manufac- |
turers, can hardly be expected to fill ~, 1000 {
baby carriages, and besides their customers
might prefer to fill q few for themselves. !,
folks are particular that way.
Absurdities Of science: Scientists z.ays
discovered worms in fishes and are DatEsfflng
their brains to know how they came there. :
Very simple. We have fed something less !;
than a million worms to fishes ourselves. All