Daily Republican., 1881-09-08
SOMETHING TO LAUGH Ar.
Let All kEalle who can and those
who can't had better stop Readi ".

| 40 loLD hShoFoo AHh hAA<AH
"Yes !" exclaimed Mrs. Montague, as
she pinned the last rag on the clothes
line and settled down to a tete-a. tete
over the rear fence with her neighbor,
"My flusba ld is smart enough at home,
but when he goes out in society hes
very quiet. Now why is my husband
like ii kerosene lamp?''
"Well," replied Mrs. Bangerhar, hes,
iatingly, RAINING a harpin through
her glossy locks, as if in search of an
answer, suppose he's apt to blow
you up"
"Not much, returned Mrs. NJ "he's
acquainted with me. -
swell, because he's a little light, /"
suggested Mrs. b.
"No, no." said Mrs. NJ. quickly.
"BeCause he uses so much oil.'
"Not right yet, replied Mrs. Nj. with
a smile,
cit isn't because he gets full, is it 2"
"Oh, no." exclaimed Mrs. NJ, impa-
tiently. "You're awful stupid his
morning. | guess you'll have to Cali
me-"
"Well, then, | resign" circulated
Mrs b. "Why is he ike kerosene
lamp"
"Well, you see, he never shines when
We is ont, and Mrs. Montague walked
off with the air Of a conqueror with the
clothes basket, while Mrs. Bangtrhar
repaired to the house t. look over aged
almanacs 80 that she might get even
with her n"ighbor on the morrow"
Jones was eating dinner at his beard.
ing house, and during his investigation
Of II plate OF hash he ran across a piece
of postage stamp. The landlady saw
| him pick it ont aud look AT it, and she
began to get mad. But Jones said
nothing, and lay down his knife and
fork, began to dig with spoon in he
dish from which the piece of stamp
had come. Finally when the lady
could stand it no louger, she said:
"Well, Mr.. Jones, what is the mat
ter?"
"Oh nothing replied the philoso
! pher.
"What are you prying into the vict
ual, for them"
| "W hy, you see the piece Of stamp
reminded me OF u letter | was expect
| lug, and Just thought I'd prod ar ,und
this dish a while, and see if couldn't
find the mail carrier, and ask him
about the lester without walking down
to the office !'
The mail carrier was not found, aud
Jones has changed his boarding house.
THE OLD MAIDS opINIoN-She h ad
bee;I called an old maid, and rather re.
sented it. said she: Il am past forty
| have good honIe. Think you know
have had abundant opportunities to
marry. | have been bridesmaid Il
score # times. | asked myself which
one Of the beautitu' girls that have
seen take the marriage vow would |
exchange places with to-day Som" are
living apart from their husbands; some
are divorced; some are wives of dunk |
on men; some are hanging on the rag
rel edge OF society, tndeavoriLg to keep I
up appearances, some are striving to
support and educate their children aud |
these are fhe least miserable; some
tread the narrow lue beyond the honn.
day of which lies the mysterious land
while some others have gone out in the
darkness and unknown horror, and |
some are dead. a few there are vino
are loved and houored wives, mothers
with harry homes; but, alas! the num-
Der is very few.
a WhiteSide, H., chap, who slapped
his wife about two weeks aimee, DIDN'T |
get rid of her SO easily. She eyed him
savagely for moment as though ta-
king in the full measure of the atf'ront, |
ana then sezing a cane which stood in |
cOnveEient react, she bella bored him so
soundly that he roared for mercy loud |
lv, an a neighhOr came in and put a |
srop to the blows. The Lext morning
the wife had her husband hauled up
before a justice, who fined him so and
costs toran assault.
ono man shall ever kiss me except
my future husband, she said as he was
about leaving her at the gate. "Sup-
pose / agree to be your future -"
''Why, then I'll kiss you," she re.
piled ea! erly, and she die. Her mother
was informed that he had proposed,
and the old lady called around the next
day to hasten matters, and before he
knew it he was hooked. 1t was a mean
but bird in the hand is
worth two on the font gate.
1t was a terrific gale at sea. An Off
cious passenger attempted to assist the
captain and was angrily ordered off
the deck. "B.L | want to help you,
captain" be said. 81 want to do some
thing toward saving these precious
lives "rhen 90 down in the ho'd
and pray until Ire jib quits tarpin',"
replied the captain. Thl, story applies
to those wto are criticising tho sur.
geons at the Presidents bedside.
On recent Sunday, when the pastor
If one of the leading Presby Ii
churches of st. Louis was absent from
bis pulpit, several persons expressed
dissatisfaction at seeing a stranger in
he pulpit, and one lady said she would ;
not have come if she had known that
Dr.----Was not going to preach. An
.lder said: "Madam, the worship of the
pastor will be resumed next Sunday" ;
Miss Hamilton, in Il book on educa-
ion, mentions the instance Of u boy so
very neglectiul that be could never be
brought to read the word ratriarchs;
)ut whenever he met with it he called
t partridges. 1t could hardly be consid-
,red rs IL mere piece of negligence, for
{ appeared to her that tue boy in call
ng them partridges, was making game ;
If the patriarchs.
An Irishman having to appear before
he 81 eritf, was told before he went .
hat the sheriff was bad one, meaning, :.
# course, a rigid law dispenser. Upon
appearing the sheriff addressing Pat, ,
aid: q am told that you bear no good +
haracter, sir 'In troth, says Pat, !
they tell me yer no great shakes yer
elf \
A saloon keeper, having started bus y
ness in building where trunks had d
ern made, asked a friend what he fl
ad better do with the old sign, 'TrunA o
'pctory'. Oh, said the friend, just 81
hmm the II To u and il will Suil vuu | II