The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1881-12-24
Mark Twain on the Pilgrims.

At BANQUET in Philadelphia on Thurs
day evening, at the first annual festival OF
the New England Society of Pennsylvania,
nj the Continental Hotel, Mark Twain
samuel l.. Clemens) was present, and de-
liyered himself most humOrOusly. The
event was the celebration Of the landing OF
the Pilgrim Fathers. The humorist's speech
was greeted with frequent bursts OF ap-
plause. "Mr. President" he began. refer
ing to several compliments rendered him as
he was introduced, ~ thank you cordially
for these kind and well-deseYed cOmpli-
ments paid me, and | shall ever strive to
deserve mem. But let us come down TO
Eusiness. now appear before YOU rs
a professor. / have kept still for years
and vearS-anybOdy knows that; but
want TO ask, What do you want TO cele-
brate your ancestors for! | admit that
they were a hard lot. l refer more paltlcu-
larly to the MayllOwer gang My friend
on the left here says that you are not cele-
brating the Pilgrim Fathers, but their land
ing at Plymouth Rock. | thought the first
preteXt was thin, but this one is thinner.
The first one was gauZe, tin foil tissue,
but this one is gold leaf. What was there
about the landing OF the Pilgrimsi They
had been three or four months at sea; they
were all played out and nearly starved; it
was fearful cold, and they were nearly
frozen. Why shouldn't they landl III
they hadn't landed there would have been
some reason for Il celebration. Now, YOU
try to make out that this simple proceed
ing was OF enough importance to be cele-
brated with orgies like this. Why, a
horse would have known enough to
land! Therefore this festival is an incon-
sistency, and il shows just what an irasci-
bic, intraetable tribe the New Enganders
are. They never agree on anything but
Boston. Those ancestors OF yours must
have been mighty hard LOT, for there Is
not a man in this room who will adj
init that he is better than his father
or his grandfather. Such OF YOU rs have
not been in the penitentiary-if such there
be-are all better than your fathers. You
may talk about your ancestry as you please
but rs for me, am border rufian-;
Missourian by birth, with Connecticut Il:
my adopted State. l have the morals OF
Missouri and the culture Of Connecticut,
and that's the combination that makes the
perfect man.
"Where is my ancestor, the good Indian
Your ancestors skinned him alive, and
am an orphan. Not 4 drop Of my blood
runs in ms veins to-day, but don't object
90 that. They skinned him alive. All
that's the thought that rankles- lie was Il
sensitive Indian, and his embarrassment
before the world must have been very
great. II he had been q bird he would
have been considered dressed. As man
he was one OF the most undressed men
ever saw. Later on your ancestors perse-
cuted another ancestor Of mine, the Qua
ker. Your ancestors didn't want any in
reference with the freedom Of worship in
their own peculiar way. The first African
brought into New England As a slave was
an ancestor Of mine | am OF m0ngrel ORR
gin.
"Now, listen TO me. Why do YOU wish TO
perpetuate these societiesi want you TO
stop right here and disband. Begin by
selling Plymouth Rock at auction. In the
great wealth OF rocks in New England this
particular rock would bring perhaps thirty
five cents. II you don't sell IL throw II
open TO the paient-medicine man. Do
something 10 make start. On this table
see water and milk, and even the deadly
lemonade. You are on the downward
path. In few years you will surely reach
cider. Pause while II Is nottoo late. But still