The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1881-11-20
SUPPOSED WIT,

The man who itched for office was elected
by scratching.
"Pa, what is the difference between civil
ization and barbarism?"
Policeman: Now then, move onl There's
nothing the matter here"
Sarcastic boy: "0f course there isn't.
II there was, you wouldn't be here.
When girl talks about two strings to
her beau, does she mean his suspenders2
A plumber who was about to die said:
My only regret at dying is because where
l am going water-ppes never freeze up
The reason why so many authors are
spoken OF as dwelling in attics, is because
so few of them are able to live on their first
stories.
An ignorant old lady was asked by
minister visiting her, if She had religion.
She replied, 81 have slight touches of It oc-
casionally,h
us that mule tame?' asked farmer of
an American dealer in domestic quadru-
peds. Hes tame enough in front" an
swered the dealer.
Some wives are merely burdens to their
husbands. But wife who can keep the
house warm for husband without stove,
ought TO be greet help to him.
"Civii2ation, my son, is blowing your
enemy to pieces with bombshell at a
range of four miles, Barbarism Is knocking
his brains out AT arm s-length with brutal
clubm
'When was a young man, says Bill
lings 81 was always in hurry to hold the
big end Of log and do all the lifting: now
am old, seize hold of the small end and
do all the grunting.'
If doctor goes out hunting and don't
kill anything" his wife always blames
him and says it wouldn't have happened so
if he had stayed at home and attended to
his legitimate business.
A citizen of Dakota took Turkish bath
in Omaha few days ago, and died within
an hour. The verdict of the jury was: ale
hadn't ought to have gotten SO much mud
off of him at one time"
A tourist in Switzerland, findings charge
in his bill for stationery, and being sure
that he had ordered none Investigated tho
matter and learned that the stationery
was the ink and paper used in making out
his bill.
1t took Sir Isaac Newton less than three
years to thoroughly digest the principle OF
gravitation, while an Indiana farmer has
spent eleven years in trying to find out why
Is
thirds full.
"Smith, didn't you tell me you some
times wrote for the paper?" "Oh, they
mind telling you, the editor told me my
articles were so solid he used them for pa
per weights"
A sarcastic Georgia editor, in noticing O
fair which recently came off in Macon, says:
lone of our contemporaries took very
valuable premium, but meddlsome and
firm policeman made him put it right back
where he took it FROM"
A forlorn-looking American said I've
tried everything could turn my hand to, but
couldn't make anything answer; and now
Pm going up among the rocks where they
say there's wonderful echo, to see if can
make that answer"
girl in Dublin struck her croquct part.
ner on the head with the malet brain
fever set in, and the young man nearly died
The girl as..kept under arrest until his re.
covery, and when he got well she married
him, and now he's sorry he didn't die.
An editor had occasion to use the express
sion, "Alpha and Omega" He was over.
whelmcd with delight when he found that
the compositor had made 1t 'apples and
oranges" That evening the wrctchcd
mangler fled from the city in wild haste.
A hornets nest is said to be the best pol
Usher in the world for glass lenses. But you
want to do your polishing when the hornet
is not around to help you. For what shall
it profit man if he polish thousand glass
lenses in one day and one hornet catch him
ut it?
A st. Louis clergymanhas made the dis
covery that ''when He made man God vever
contemplated reporter" that "the con-
ditions through which man must pass to
meet the demands of nineteenth-century
journalism were not considered at the time
ofcreation."
Complimentary notice: "Don't you
know that II is felony to steal pocket.
book out of gentleman's pocket?" asked
an Austin justice, off hard case. "Yes,
knew It, jcdge but dat ar pocket.book
bulged out dc sides dat beeve you has
so much speret in yer dat yer would hal
made break for II yerself, ledge, efnobody
was watchn' YER