Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1881-03-08
What Constitutes a Christian.

The difference between q Christian
and heather is not great. It merely
consists In the following contrarieties
In the rail car
The Christian will leave the half seat
that does not belong to him entirely un-
occupied by himself or his parcels
while the heathen with do his best, or
worst. to cover as much space as possi-
BILE with either or both.
The Christian will be prompt to give
seat to lady or elderly gentleman
while the heather would do the same
were he not SO deeply absorbed in his
newspaper or the panoramic view af-
fOrded by the window that he is uncon-
scious of what is going on within the
car.
The Christian will converse in low
tone, 30 as not to disturb the other pas
sengers; whereas the heathen will make
the newspaper reader in the far corner
break the third commandment into in
finitesimal fragments.
The Christian will be careful not to
soil the floor; while the heather will
indulge. in his tobacco. chewing pro-
pensities to the uttermost, with all the
nastiness that that propensity implies.
The Christian will never open his win
dow of 4 cold day. The heather on the
contrary, will shove hers clear up-we
say hers, because this variety of heather
is inevitably woman-when the ther-
mometer is among the zeroes, and the
wind among the billiards, and will sit
placidly, muffied to the throat in her
seal sacque, while the curses, not loud,
but deep, flow through the quivering
Of 2 h hor 10
senger5.
The Christian will have his ticket
ready for the conductor when that pa
tlence tried official comes through the
car, the heather will delay him for five
minutes while leisurely making a tour
of his pockets.
The Christian would no more think of
stealing from the corporation than from
a private person but the heather will
cover his ticket with his thumb and be-
come absorbed in his newspaper, for
baply the conductor may think him
season passenger, and pass him by ac-
cordingly.
The Christian, finding one car crowd
ed will go into the next one, and take a
seat while the heather will incontin-
emily make for the full car, and stand
up and growl consumedly.
The Christian will never make nui
sance of himself; but the heathen will
every time, and never weary in doing
it.
In general
The Christian will do his whistling
behind his teeth with his lips herme-
tically sealed the heather will whistle
like locomotive, and the less he knows
about whistling the louder will he whis-
tie.
The Christian will keep his sidewalk
clean the year round but the heather
will SOW it with banana skins in the
summer, and permit the snow and ice
to cucumber il in the winter.
The Christian will be in his seat at the
theatre before the curtain rises, and will
sit there till the play is over the heath
en- will come late, leave unerringIy at
the moment of intensest interest, just
before the curtain, falls, and punctuate
the performance throughout with his
many goings out and cOmiugs in.
The Christian will keep his ears open
and his mouth closed in the concert
room; while the heather will reverse
the process, ard then encore like a
threshing machine for addea opportuni-
ties to talk aloud.
The Christian will talk about what
interests his interlocutor; the heather
considers anything he is uninterested in
unworthy of him, and will talk of only
to his own voice.
The Christian will leave the door open
in the summer and carefully close it in
the winter, the heather will leave it
wide open in the winter, and slam it
to the summer with a bang like the
bang of piece of heavy ordinance.
The Christian will never smoke in
the presence of ladies tobacco smoking
has no charms for the heathen unless
ladies are in.the room to enjoy it.
When the Christian prepares copy for
the newspaper be will write it legibly
and upon oneside of the paper but the
heather will write upon both sides and
hide his poor spelling behind wretched
chirography.
The Christian will recognize the edi
tors intelligence by acknowledging that
he has spent much time in cogitatiOn
over the contribution the heather will
say that he 'dashed it off," and add in
suit to injury by telling the editor that
it will ''help to fill up"
The Christian will call upon man of
business, transact his business promptly
and leave when it IS done; the heathen
will bore the man of business like
gimlet.
The Christian will keep to the right
when on the street; but the heather
will stick peIsistently to the left and
grOwI because he is run into.
The Christian will stop the horse car
only at the crossing; the heather will
be careful to stop it just after it has left
the crossing, Notwithstanding it had al
ready stopped there.
The Christian will occupy but space
for one in the horse car while the
heather will spread himself over half a
dozen spaces, and only concentrates
himself when he is forced to do it.
The Christian is Christian the
heather is hog.-Boston Transcript.