Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-01-28
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Differs has just buried his fifth wife,
Differs was walking with friend, out to
Forest Hills, showing him the beautiful
grounds. His friend was profuse in his
expressions of appreciation, and asked
Differs if he had a lot there. "Well,''
says Differs, 81 don't know what you
would call lot I've got five wives here,
which is more than the general average"
''Bub, did you ever think?" said grocer
recently, as he measured out a half peck of
potatoes, THAT these potatoes contains
sugar, water and starch?" ''Noa, l
didn't" replied the boy, ''but I heard
mother say you put peas and beans in your
coffee. and about pint of water in every
quart of milk Sold" The subject Of ma
tural philosophy was dropped right there.
A fashion paper tells us that silken no.
siery is now all the rage in Paris, with
insertions Of portraits and medallions of
point lace" Fancy glancing at your lady
loves stockings and finding there the por-
trait of-some other fellow! exclaims the
Buffalo Express
Artist Ito a porter)-'You carried my
picture to the Academy, and handed
it over to the committee?'' Porter
"Yes, and it pleased 'em nightly. 1t
would have done you good to have seen
EN- laugh"
Customer: Baker, your ten-ceEt loaves
are but little larger than those for five
cents" The baker: 'That's quite true.
and I often hear the same remark. I see
how it isl shall have to make them five
cent loaves smaller
A certain doctor of divinity said that
every blade of grass was a sermon. The
next day he was amusing himself by clip
1'That's right. doctor; cut your sermons
Short
SIN what condition was the patriarch
Job at the end of his life?" asked Sun
day school teacher Of quiet looking boy
at the foot Of the class. ''Dead,'' calmly
replied the quiet looking boy.
Brigson lat last winging pheasant, af-
ter missing right and left all day.: "Ah.
ha! knocked him over that time, Jenkins!''
Keeper-s'Yes. sir, they will fly into it
sometimes"
sKnow all men by these presents read
the old bachelor lawyer. "Who don It they
put in women Joo?" asked his lady client.
!, sS;E
knows it, all women know it.''
II didn't know" said an old lady, as she
put down her newspaper, shat thieves
were so scarce that they had to advertise
for 'em and offer reward for their dis
covery."
A young fop, about starting down to
New Orleans, proposed to purchase life
preserver. so! you'll not want it, sug-
gested the clerk, 'sbags Of wind don't
sink.''
An Ohio maiden sued a man for breach
Of promise, and proved him such mean
scoundrel that the jury decided that she
ought to pay him something for not mar
rying her.
A young lady will smile sweetly while
the hair dresser is banging her over the
head, when a similar treatment would
make young man ferocious.
The Boston Courier gives the follow
ing wise piece of advice to its bachelor
readers: "Never marry a girl unless you
have known her three days and picnic -
Pat. O'Flaherty said that his wife was
very ungrateful, for "when l married her
she hadn't rag on her back, and now she's
GOV cred with Them
The latest feature in Paris is square um-
brellas, but many think them just as bad
as the old kind, because they are never
round when wanted.
81 believe in bananas in the abstract,
but not in the concrete" said an old gen.
tleman. as he painfully arose from the as
phalt walk.
A Philadelphia man has perfected plan
for bringing coal out of the cellar without
sxertipg any of his muscle. He makes his
wife cart it up.
A western paper says: "a child was run
over by wagon three years old, and cross
eyed, with pantlets on which never spoke
afterwards
The young lady who burst into tears has
been put together again, and is now wear
ing hoops to prevent the recurrence of
Che accident.
What is the difference between watch |
and bankrupt? One you wind up to
make go, and the other to make stop.
Would you be wealthy, young man? Get.
upon mule; you will soon find that you
are better off.
Who is the greatest liar? He who speaks
rnosi; of himself.
Hymen comes when he is called, and
Love when he pleases.
The post who is above criticism eaast he
hAVond madam ntion