Democratic messenger., 1881-11-05
WIT AND WISDOM.

SOME things are past finding out.
The love of whisky is what staggers
man.
Why are fowls the most profitable
things a farmer can raise? Because for
every grain they give peck.
BEFORE marriage she was dear and he
was her treasure; but afterward she be-
came dearer and he treasurer.
If Noah can End it convenient to
come this way he viii find a Job.
Noahrish need apply, says the Omaha
Republican.
"You are weak, :" said woman to her
son who was demonstrating against her
marrying again. Yes, mother" he
replied " am SO weak that can't go
O step-father.
JOSH BILLINGS says he wouldn't give
five cents to hear Bob Ingersoll on
"The Mistakes of Moses" but he would
give $500 to hear Moses on the mistakes
of Bob lngersoll.
WHEN it comes to shedding light on
the world Pennsylvania beats all the
rest of the States. Itisn't her example,
however; it's her kerosene, says the
Philadelphia Chronicle.
ST. LOUIS newspaper editorials are
made as brief and explicit as possible, in
order to let the compositors off early.
Here is a sample: "The editor of the
Kansas City Journal is liar"
INDIANS have queer idea of numbers.
One being lately asked how many were
his tribe, said :" Eleven or a million
braves" He would be good man TO
estimate the population of Chicago.
AaRIoUnTURAL philosophy: The law
of the harvest is to reap more than you
SOW. Sow an act and you reap habit
SOW habit and you reap character;
SOW character and you reap destiny.
AN Iowa father has spent the best part
of a year, 500 in money, and made four
trips to Washington to secure his son a
5000 clerkshlp in one of the depart
ments. The boy must be an unbearable
nuisance around home. A19
THE Philadelphia merchants send out
S, ZOO commercial travellers to curse late
trains, get the best rooms in hotels, take
up two seats apiece in the cars, and sell
goods to 400 merchants who would
rather go to the city after them.
A SCHOOL teacher asked, "What bird
is large enough to carry man ?" No
body knew; but one little girl suggested
ga lark" And then she exclaimed,
"Mamma said papa wouldn't be home
until Monday, because he had gone off
on lark.
MARVIN, who married so many wom-
en-, has been sent to the penitentiary for
ten years. A painful expression shoots
over Mr.. Maryin's bronzed features
when he reflects that if he had only set
tied in Utah he might now have been in
Congress.
A KENTUCKY paper recently stated
that prominent citizen was "greatly
troubled with insomnia" After the
editor had got out of the hospital, he
decided to never again use anything but
plain language in writing of his fellow
townsmen.
NORTH CAROLINA PAPERS are COM
planning because the cattle exhibited at
recent agricultural fair in Raleigh
were fed upon hay brought from the
North, while, as they claim, the best of
hay, oats and fodder could have been
obtained in the State.
A CLERGYMAN in Scotland preached q
few Sundays ago from the text, "If you
do not repent We shall likewise perish"
The wife of a farmer who was present
went home and told her husband that
the text was, eff You don't pay rent
you shall leave the parish"
BEING intoxicated three times de-
prives a man of the right to vote under
the old French law. If that were the
law in this country, it would be big
thing for candidates. They would re-
fuse to treat because the treated might
get full and he lose their votes.
$50 TO-" the man said when the goat
helped him over the fence, but he really
thought there must be half dozen at
least. (To tell the truth, he didn't say
that at all, but we can't print what he
really did say, and we have to print
something. )-Btrtington HatUkeye. -
CANT this little high ?" asked a
timid tenderfoot of Deadwood tavern
keeper who had charged him four dol
lars and half for his dinner. :" 1t may
be little high, replied the host, fun
bling with the handle of revolver in
the cash drawer, "but l need the
money" He got it.
SIS THERE anything harder than ada
mant ?" asked little boy of his father,
who, unfortU1ate man, was a country
editor. eyes" growled the old man.
"What is it called, papa?" The stern
dad glared savagely at his son for a
moment, and then hissed, "The cheek
of an advertising agent"
"WHY don't you have some stile about
you?" said the man who had looked
along mile of barbed fence for an en-
trance
''YoC know Miss Smith, the dashing belle;
saw her home last night"
''Oh. yes, know. his friend replied,
The first house on the right"
A CORRESPONDENT writes to the horti-
cultured editor of the Eye and asks him
how to treat fowls. Treat them kindly
and with consideration. The aching
void in the breast of the modern hen is
want of sympathy. Always look on
them with gentle eye and greet them
with bright smile. Hens are warranted
e., a,,,r;oh n Y1nIar ki1is fYaof frnanf