The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1881-05-26
Lady Physicians.

turned ont dozen female doctors. As
long as the female doctors were confined
to one or two in the whole country, and
those were only experimental, we held
our peace and did not complain, but now
that the colleges are engaged in produ-
cling female doctors as business we must
protest, and in so doing will give a few
reasons why female doctors will not prove
a paying branch of industry.
In the first place, if they doctor any,
body it must be women, and three
fourths of the women would rather have
a male doctor. Suppose those colleges
turn out female doctors until there are as
many of them as there are male doctors,
what have they got to practice on? a
man, if there was nothing the matter
with him, might call in female doctor,
but if be was sick as horse (if man is
sick he is sick as o horse) the last thing
he would have would be female doctor.
And why? Because when man has a
female fumbling around him he wants to
feel we'll. He don't want to feel bilious
or feverish, with his mouth tasting like
cheese and his eyes bloodshot when the
female is looking over him and taking
account of stock.
Of course these female doctors are all
young and good looking, and if one of
them came into a sick room where man
was in bed, and he had chills and was
cold as wedge, and she should sit up
close to the side of the bed and take hold
of his hand, his pulse would run up to
$50, and she would prescribe for fever
when he had chilblains. Oh, you can't
fool us on female doctors. A man who
has been sick and had male doctors knows
just how much he would like to have
female doctor come tripping in and
throw her fur.lined cloak over o chair,
take off her hat and gloves and throw
them on lounge, and come up to the
bed with pair of marine blue eyes,
with twinkle in the corner, and look at
him in the wild, changeable eyes. and ask
him to run out his tongue.
Suppose he knew his tongue was coat
ed so it looked like the yellow Turkish
towel, do you suppose he would want to
run out over five or six inches of the
lower part of it, and let that female doc
tor put her finger on it to see how furred
it was? Not much. He would put that
tongue up into his cheek and wouldn't
let her see it for 25 cents admission. We
have all seen doctors put their hands un-
der the bed clothes and feel of mans
feet to see if they were cold. If female
doctor were to do that it would give
man cramp in the legs. A male doctor
can put his hand on mans stomach and
liver and lungs, and ask him if he feels
any pain there; but if q female doctor
should do the same thing it would make
man sick, and he would want to get up
and kick himself for employing female
doctor. Oh, there is no use talking; it
would kill man.
Now, suppose a man has heart disease,
and o female doctor should want to listen
to the beating of his heart. She would
lay her left ear on his left breast, so her
eyes and rosebud mouth would be looking
right in his face, and her waYy hair
would be scattered all around there, get
ting tangled in the buttons of his shirt.
Don't you suppose his heart would get in
about twenty extra beats to the minute?
You bet! And she would smile-we will
bet 500 she would smile-and show her
pearly teeth, and the ripe lips would be
working as though she were counting the
beats, and he would think she was trying
to whisper to him, and Well, what
would he be doing all this time
If be was not dead yet, which would
be wonder, his left hand would brush
the hair away from her temple and kind
of stay there to keep the hair away, and
his right hand would get sort of nervous
and move round to the back of her head,
and when she had counted the beats
few minutes and was raising her head he
would draw the head up to him and kiss
her once for luck, if he was as bilious as
Jersey swamp angel, and have her
charge it in the bill. And then q reac-
ton would set in, and he would be as
weak as cat, and she would have to fan
him and rub his head until he got over
being nervous, and then make out his
prescription after he got asleep. No |!
all of q mans symptoms change when
female doctor ia practicing on him, and
she would kill him.-Peck's Sun.