The Portland daily press., 1881-08-09
Spoopendyke
In the Role OF Sportsman.

loIOoAlyu rhglo
"Say, my DEAR" said Mr.. Spoopendyke, az
he drew gun from the case and eyed it criti-
cally, ST want you to wake me up early in the
morning, I'm going shooting"
"Isn't that too sweetl'' calculated Mrs.
Spoopendyke. "I'll wear my new dress and my
Saratoga waves Where do we go?"
"I'm going down on the island, and you'll
probably go as far as the front door," grunted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "Women don't go shooting.
It's only men. All you've got to do Ia wake
me up and get breakfast When come home,
we'll have some BIRDS"
won't that be nice, chimed Mrs Spoopen-
dyke. "Can you catch birds with that thing?"
and Mrs. Spoopendyke futtered around the
improved breech loading shot gun, firmly i'm
pressed with the idea that it was some kind of
trap.
81 can kill 'em with this" explained Mr..
Spoopendyke. "This is a gun, my dear; II
isn't nest with three eggs in it, nor is it q
barn with hole in the roof You stick the
cartridge in here and pull this finger piece, and
down comes your bird every time"
well, isn't that the greatest thingl I sup
pose If you don't want partridge, you can
stick duck or turkey in at the end, too, or
fish or lobster, and bring it down just as
quick"
.'Yes, or you can stick. a house or coraield,
snorted Mr.. Spoopendyke "Who said any
goes in there!"
"Ohl' calculated Mrs. Spoopendyke, rather
crest-fallen. 81 see now. Where does the
bird go?"
"It goes to the night school, If he hasn't any
more sense than you have" snorted Mr.. Spoop-
endyke Look here, now, and I'll show you
how 1t works" and Mr. Spoopendyke,- whose
ideas OF gun were about as vague as those Of
his wife, inserted the cartridge half way in
the muzzle end, and cautiously cooked the
weapon
"And when the bird sees that he comes and
pecks at it! Isn't that the funniestl" and Mrs.
ment of her discovery. ''Then you put out
your hand and catch himl''
you've struck it!'' howled Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, who had the hammer on the half cock,
and was yainly pulling at the twigger to 1T
feathers and a gas bill to be q martingalel
With your notions, you only want a new stock
aud a steam trip hammer to be o needle gunl
Don't you know the thing has got to go of be-
fore you get bird! You shoot the birds, you
don't wait for 'em to shoot you"
"At home, we used to always chop their
heads off with an axe" faltered Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke.
$50 would /, if was going after measly old
hens" retorted Mr.. Spoopendyke, who had
managed to uncock the continuance, "but
when go for yellow birds and sparrows I 20
like sportsman. While am waiting for a
Bird" continued Mr.. Spoopendyke, adjusting
the cartridge at the breeeh, ~ put the load In
here for safety And when see flock aim
and fire."
Bangl went the gun, knocking the tail feath-
ers out of an eight-day clock and plowing q
foot furrow in the wall, perforating the closet
door and eliminating in Mr.. Spoopendyke's
plug hat.
Goodness graciousi" squeaked Mrs. Spoop.
endyke. "Oh myi'
Mr.. Spoopendyke gathered himself up and
contemplated the damage.
"Why couldn't ye keep still?" he shrieked.
"Whatd ye want to disturb my aim for and
make me let it of? Think can hold back q
charge of powder and pound Of shot while q
measly woman is soaring it through gun bar
rel?"
"If that had been bird how nicely you
would have shot It'll" suggested Mrs Spoopen-
dyke, soothingly. "If you should ever aim at
a bird you'd catch him sure.'
TOhl you know what could dol With your
information about gunnery you only need O
wad in your mouth and kick like a mule to
be mountain howitzer II had your intel
ligence on sporting subjects, I'd hire for shot
tower! Don't you know that you've spoiled
the gun?" And Mr.. Spoopendyke, anxious
for some excuse to take it back to his friend
Specklewottle, who loaned it to him, held it
out and eyed his wife sternly. you've ruined
that gun," he continued solemnly. "It won't
ever go off again."
'Never mind, DEAR" consoled Mrs Spoop-
endyke. "Its been off enough, and I'd Just
as lief have some CLAIMS as birds. You go to
bed and we'll try to do without any birds"
'It won't ever go off again." repeated Mr.
Spoopendyke, as he climbed into his couch.
"That's a ruined gun," and he turned his face
to the wall.
Mrs. Spoopendyke slowly disrobed, having
first turned o stream Of water into the gun
from the faucet and betook her to rest. "It
may not go off again." she thought, "but II it
does, the neighbors will think the water main
has burst" with which reflection she began to
pat the ear Of Mr.. Spoopsndyke, who turned
over like an earthquake, and wanted to know
II she thought she hadn't done enough mis-
chief without lamming him like blacksmith