Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1881-06-29
MRS. TRUMPETS TELESCOPE

word to describe her you could have
found one only that would do her jus
tice Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet was
prodigious. She was prodigiously
rich, prodigiously stout, prodigiously
active, prodigiousfy versatile, prodigi.
ouslv talkative and most prodigiously J
self-important She was good humor
ed, too-stoat people always are the
adipose substance produces that quail
ty itself We may be sure there j:
more good nature lying potentially in
tub of Dorset butter than the most
vigorous disciple of philosophy could
evolve by the efforts of his righteous
will in a twelve-month Mrs Main
waring Trumpet was therefore good
| humored Of necessity /; she was far toe
fat to be anything else. And this noisy,
buttery good humor Of hers so lubrica-
ted her failings that she was tolerable
and even agreeable in society. 1t is
true she did hustle about and put you
down or thrust you out of sight, but
her voice was so rich and her smile SC
sunny, and she was on such unmistak-
able good terms with herself that you
forgave her. That is, if you were not
of her particular sex you forgave her.
But if you were or are of her particu-
lar sex you never did and never do for
give drawing room snub. Is it not
so, gentle reader !?
Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet went in
for the world She loved races, and
would bet gloves and eat lobster salads
and drink champagne. She was crazy
about balls, and would dance until, for
her size and weight, she was as great
a wonder as the sun on Easter Day.
She frequented the opera and could
| bum you all the new tunes next day,
getting little out now and then, bat
still you knew what she meant. If any
questionable play was on the stage
Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet would be
in side box, giggling and blusbing
and exploding behind her fan in such a
very honest and absurd way that she
balf ruined the piece for the people who
wish to enjoy their vice seriously like
rational creatures Have you read it?'
she would ask when any fashionable
lady novelist came out with something
more shocking than usual. Have you
read it? Because | bave' in one of
her age whispers that you could hear
across hay field And she would
drop behind her fan, allowing her great
rolling eyes TO appear that she might
telegraph at yon, and hiding the rest
Of her face, while her big jolly laughter
sounded like river underground She
was the best hand at croquet in three
counties. She took up lawn tennis and
played so splendidly that one day in
the Bishops garden she sent her win
ming stroke right into the study win
dow, covering the prelate with frag-
ments like a working glazier and 50
confounding bim that for few seconds
be really thought that the end of the
world had come. She applied herself
to rinkiDg with the usual enthusiasm,
and got the thing up in two hours, af-
ter which she went round and round
at an awful pace. like seventy-iour-
gun ship in o high wind, until she
came into collision with tall Mr.. Index.
who had just come out as senior wran-
gler and was trying If little exercise
with his legs would not be nice for
change and useful for purposes o;
health. Him she drove to earth with
velocity which by itself was the hint
Of a problem, and upon bis prostrat'
frame her own descended with q crash
so terrific that, amid the ruin Of hir
faculties, Index could scarcely colleci
reason to register q solemn vow that il
his life were only spared be would re-
nounce all athleiic sports for evermore.
Thus did Mrs. Main waring Trumpet
move through life's various scenes like
a catapult, IL battering ram, an eighty
one ton gun, tbunderbolt, or any
thing that is the embodiment Of all
conquering force.
She was, we said, a widow. Fifteen
years ago she had been Miss Mainwar-
ing, with plenty OF good blood IL her
veins, but no money in her pure. Ben
jamin Thursby Trumpet, Esq, Bris-
tol merchant sprung from The gutter,
and worth heap Of money, came ond
saw Miss waring. and was con
qncrcd.' lie proposed for her she ac-
cepted his money. In three weeks
time she was Mrs. Mainwaring Trum-
pet she became rich, and rare were
the gems she wore; but oh that vul-
gar husband With all her ecccntrici-
ties she was lady, and oh that bus-
baad Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet
learned this lesson that others learnt
before ber-that you cannot sell your
self and have yourself at the same time.
Well she fetched handsome price,
and, TO do her justice, che did not
grnmblc much
Benjamin Tbursby Trumpet-like
Mr.. Bounderby in Hard Tines
loved TO talk Of his origin, aud how he
rose from nothing, leaving the audience
TO infer what clever, hard headed fcl-
low be must hc. But he grew too
fond Of this practice, and one day when
he had been riding bis hobby rather
hard, wag, upon his leaving the
room, caught up his visiting card, and
reading his initials aloud-B. +. Trum-
pet--calIcd him on the spot Mr. Blow
the Trumpet, The name stuck. Two
months after she was married loving
friend said 10 his bride:
30 you know they nickname your
husband Mr.. Blow the Trumpet p
The bride broke into laugh tho
shaft Of such malice could not harm
her. She rather enjoyed it, aud the
friend had TO search her quiver for an
other arrow.
And they do say you don't mind,
Of course, dear-tbat he has met his
match, and that ou are Mrs. Blow the
Trumpet. Horribly low, / call it, dear.
Don't you y
The bride nearly tainted with indig'