St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1881-10-28
SqIIibS.

The cry of the competing railroads
"Give us fare fight!"
A Scotch school-master having re-
peatedly, and at last angrily, demand
manded of the pupils, "Who signed
Magma Charta ?" little girl trem-
blingly replied, 'Please sir, it was ma
me-"
Wanted: Name of the western town
that hasn't made giant strides.
81 know" said tourist in New Jer-
sen, "that the owner of that farm was
famous apple stealer when he was
boy. He keeps two dogs in his or
chard." ......
A boy in country school was read
ing the following sentence: "The
lighthouse is landmark by day and
beacon by night" and he rendered it
thus: '"The lighthouse is landlord
by day and deacon by night"
An Oil City man purchased small
bellows, took it home and told his wife
he had concluded to blow his brains
out; whereupon she replied that
smaller sized bellows would have an
swered the purpose better. t.,
b A Connecticut pastor declined an
addition of 800 to his salary, for
the reason, among others, that the
hardest part of his labOrs, heretofore,
had been the collection of his salary,
and it would kill him to try to collect
800 more.
Instructor in Latin Miss b., of what
was Ceres the goddess Miss B--She
was the goddess of marriage. Instruc-
tOr-Oh, no of agriculture. Miss b.
Cooking perplexed) Why Pm sure
my book says she was the goddess of
husbandry. F H
A peddler was offering clock nicely
vanished and colOred, with looking
glass in the front, to certain lady not
remarkable for her personal beauty.
"Why, it is beautiful" )" said the vendor.
Beautiful, indeed A look mt it almost
frightens me-" said the lady. "Then,
marm," replied Jonathan, ~ guess
you'd better take one that amt got no
looking glass"
The new wears wife-Who lives
next door to you, Mrs. Brown Mrs.
BrOwn--The Jugsons, marm. N v.
W.-Have they any family Mrs. Il.
Well, marin, their eldest boy, he
were hanged; and their second son,
he's a-dOin seven years and their gal,
the eldest, leastways, she's a-dOin
year; and two on their other boys,
they's in II reform'try; so may say as
they amt got no family to speak Of
Fun.
1t was Boston girl who asked {:
"Why is it that two souls, mated in
| the impenetrable mystery of heir ma
| tivity, float by each other on the ocean
currents of existence without being in-
stinctinctively drawn together, blend
ed and beautificd in the assimilated
alembic of eternal love 7" That is an
easy one. 1t is because butter is ~
cents pound and good sealskin
sacqne costs as high as $500. The
necessaries of life must experience a
! fall in price before two souls will
readily blend in the assimilated alcm-
bic and so forth NorristOwn Herald.
A convict is liberated from the gal
! leys after having served his term of
imprisonment. "Well, gOod-by," says
| the chaplain, who has deeply interested
! himself in the prisoner, and has taken
II real affection for him, "gOod-by, and
| good luck, and try TO come back to Us
as soon as you can" Fl From the
| French
Irish logic. Qrish groom in charge
of trap, asleep; rug and whip stolen.)
Master-"II Halo, Mick you are asleep"
Groom -"No, sur, am not" Master
--"You have been both rug and whip
are gone. The fact of the matter is,
you and / part Tomorrow" Groom
''All right, sur; will oi give you a
months notice, or We me ?"
'Does it, after all, pay to be honest9"
a disappointed young man writes. No,
my son, not if you're honest for pay,
it doesn't. Not if you are honest
merely because you think it will pay
not if you are honest only because you
are afraid to be a rogue indeed, my
dear boy, it does not pay TO be honest
that way. If yon can't be honest be-
cause you hate a lie and seOrn a mean
action, if you can't be honest from
principle, be rascal that's what you
are intended for, and you'll probably
succeed at it. But yOu can't make any
body believe in honesty that is bought
and sold like merchandise.- Burling