St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1881-01-21
Mark Twain's Singular Delusion.
DISADVANTAGE OF a MoNoLrrH WITH

hold from the public the information
which l am about to communicate.
But as exaggerated accounts of Mr..
Mark Twain's present condition are in
circulation here in town, and as these
false reports are likely, sooner OF later,
to reach the ears of the humorist's
friends in other parts of the country,
causing them greater sOlicitude than
the true facts would warrant, it seems
best to publish an accurate and authen-
tic statement of the case.
1t is well known that Mr.. Clemens is
subject to protracted spells of profound
melancholy, usually eliminating in
hallucinations of the most bizarre char
acter. After one of these attacks he
was seized with a sudden and unac-
countable but intense hatred for bust
of Calvin, presented to Mrs. Clemens
on her wedding day by her uncle,
clergyman. Mark Twain fancied that
this harmless image meant to do him
evil A.; and after heaping cOntumely on
his foe by disfguring the plaster face
with linked mustaches and IA gOatee, he
at last put an end to the imaginary
| feud and to the bust by demOishing it
with poker. At another time Twain
imagined himself to be the real editor
of Gen. Joe Hawley'S newspaper, the
Courant, and his illusion led to some
complications that would have been
amusing if they had not been serious.
Again, it is said, he tried to take up
collection along the middle aisle of Joe
! Twitcbelfs church, at the moment fan
cying himself deacon. BY similar il
lusionS he has been led at times to at
tempt an active part in politics.
Although aware that ever since his
speech at the Grant reception Mr..
Clemens has been suffering from mel
ancholia, | did not know until this
morning what form the. attack had
taken. | met Mr.. j, common
friend of mine and Mr. Clemens, in
front of the post office. "Have you
been up to Twain's lately ~ he asked
NO." said |, "is anything the matter ?"
"Well, you had better go up and see"
he replied, with a significant motion of
his right forefnger.
SO | proceeded through the damp,
chilly air and slushy mud of Christ Las
morning to Twain's bright red mansion
and rung the door bell. Was Mr..
Clemens at home? No, not exactly.
That was to say, he wasn't in the
house; | might find him yonder in the
north yard, behind the barn. | turned
up the bottom of my trousers, and
trudged through the mud and snow to
the place indicated by the domestic.
There discovered the humorist, stand
ing on all empty dry goods box. His
posture was very erect. His arms were
tightly pressed against his sides. He
wore long ulster, reaching to his an
kles, and on his head high peaked
hat, procured during his travels in the
Tyrol. His face was solemn.
"Hello, Mark" said |; "what are
you doing on that box ? Merry Christ
mas ~
He stiffly inclined his head. "Didn't
you know he demanded, in slow,
grave tones, ''that | antedate the Chris
tian era by many centuries What in
thunder do you mean by talking Christ
/. mas in my presence 2"
Come, come" said l, ''no joking
Get down off the box and 90 in where
it's warm"
eff you refer to the pedestal" he re-
. piled, Il can't get down unless I'm
lowered. And as to the temperature
it has little effect on Il mOnOlith, season
/, ed as | am seasoned
''YOu look like n mOnOlith,n | admit
sin that ulster and that hat.n
'You really think so p he eagerly
asked. His features relaxed to an eX'
preston something like complacency
and he sat down upon the edge of th,
box and began to drum against the sid,
with his heels. "YOu really believ,
I'm the genuine, only original obelisk p
e "Obelisk ~ said |. II saw the ODE
! lisk day before yesterday in New York
! They've got it as far as the trestle-
work. You're a humOrist, not an ODE
lisk."
7 Mark Twain Immediately ascende,
> the box again, while his features one,
F, more assumed their stony look. "Yol
have been imposed upon" he remark
: ed with great dignity. "That thing il
e New York is bogus. 1t is a practica
u joke of Gorringes. 1t is Cardiff gi
= ant of an obelisk, composite, pIaste
e fraud cOncOcted on the voyage over
e and palmed off on an unsuspectinI
e community. The real obelisk wa
e shipped in Hartford by Freight No. %
Il New York, New Haven and Hartfor,
t railroad. You behold it at this identi
: cal moment"
o | took off my hat. This seemed T.
IS please him good deal.
excuse me,n he went on. ''If | an
d a tr1f1e touchy on the subject. Ever
/ mOnOlth is naturally sensitive whe
y his authenticity is called in question
n Don't | appear stiff and hard enough L
Y satisfy the most skeptical ?'
d ''You look stiff and hard enough,
: said |, "but where are your hieroglyph
t. les ?" That's the test of the true obe
! lisk-the hierogyphics."
Is ''Just what | expected" he returned
sc with some show of feeling. "Ther
le don't appear to be any hieroglyphic,
le perhaps you think. Singular, but L
At noticed the fact myself. aud it's give
a me considerable concern. Blast thos
as hieroglyphics :" he continued, gettin
1t excited. Il don't know what to MAX
lie of it. Sometimes | think Gorringe too
rs 'em and plastered 'em on to his shal
ID shaft. Then | think Marshall Jewell
le stolen 'em for a telegraphic ciphe
I'd Then again | surmise that they'N
lis merely struck in, and will blossom OF
again as soon as I've got acclimate
n. But you'll allow that it's putting a 7,
en- spectacle Egyptian antiquity to dI
Ot advantage to steal his hierOglyphic
he Any fool can come along and sa
De You're no Obelisk where the devil a
ad your hieroglyphics 2"
in turned sadly away from this exam
elt pie of self-deceptiOn. | knew it VI
ng no use to reason with him. Happl
le- these attacks do not last, as rul