The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-01-06
BR{C-4BRdC,

mumps; middle age bumps; old age,
Tho demand for chairs that Wash
ingtoh once sat in il keeping the furni-
ture makers very btsy.
Poor people eat mutton because II
IS sheep, and rich people eat yonison
because 1t is dccr.
-yhe new-fanglai or many-sided
mirrors enable w,man to see hcr
back hair in five positions.
-"My love is like. . red, red rose. -
100 lato In the season, Alpheus. From
now OH it will be her nose that will be
red.
"A Georgia man named his mule
Lotta, and the next day 1t kicked
wagon Ill seventeen directions at once.
In Chicago women dress so much
| IKE men that they sre allowed to hang
on the strap Of street cars without
recognition.
-Garfield will make tour of the
unnerent canals next season. HAYES
Is good for one more year Of agricul-
tural fairs.
! "A naughty Philadelphia newspa-
per says the late marriage of An Illi-
nols glrl to q negro was case of color
| blindness.
The hired girl who was called IN
at four O'Clock III tie morning thinks
arose two hours later would sound
quite as sweet.
-Alonzo wants to know s'if it hurts
man TO be called liar?" No, Alonzo.
no. 1t is more likely to hunt the other
man.
The same two boys who swan
KNIVES at school may in after years ex-
change. pulpits and with the same re-
suit, viz: both get cheated.
Make friends of your creditors If
you can; but never make a creditor of
your friend. 1t only gives him another
excuse for being disagrecable.
A New York boarding house took
tre the other night and the flames got
as TAR as the pantry when they went
out for want of fuel.
-"That prisoner has very smooth
countenaltce," said the Judge to the
sheriff. YES" said the sheriff., che
was ironed just before he was brought
in."
a country doctor, being asked
what was the best way 10 cure q ham,
remarked before answering that cues
ton he should want to know what
allied the ham.
-tather-"Charlev, sec no inn
provement in your marks" Charley
Nes, papa; it is high time YOU had a
serious talk with the teacher, or else
he'll keep on that way forever"
-."Eugcnie, Eugenie, will you still
insist on wearing the hair of another
| h \
Aiphonse, do YOU still insist upon
wearing the skin Of another calf upon
your feet?'
On homeward bound Charleston
car jolly looking Irishman was sa-
iuted with the retuark: "Tim, yer
house was blown away" "Deed,
thln, 1t isn't" ne answered, "for have
the Kay in my pocket"
-"Oh. dearw exclaimed Penniman.
81 wish l could excel in something. 1
DO believe if l should kill u man it
wouldn't be anything but murder in
the second degree"
-Teacher-Has fire any gender?
pnril il-Tes; feminine. Teacher
W nat makes you lhink soI Pupil-Be-
cause heard mamma telling papa not
to hug the fire..
-"Remember," said the physician,
"that when YOU take an egg YOU are
| taking chicken" "Wel1,'' said tie
patient, "tirst please hand me that rye
bread in bottle.'
They were walking bv the seaside.
and lie sighed and she sighed: and she
I was by his side, and he bv her side,
nnd..they We're both beside themselves.
besides being at the seaside, where she
sighed and he sighed.
Gum arabic dissolved in whiskey
will keep the hair curled in damp
weather - Exchange. \ little sugar
dissolved in it has similar effect on
the legs.-John B. Cough.
~ wish pay You for five cakes,'
sald traveller to a railway restaurant
Keeper. Put YOU had only four-a
spohSe-cake, acocoanut-cake, an al
mond-caEe, and currant- cake" ""And
stomdch-ake," added the traveller.
-"Shall we sell or abandon our
girls:' editorially asks the editor of
the Hdtckeye. Do neither. Give 'em
away. When girl is given away, if
she is not "sold," the young man is
in majority Of cases.
There was fi9ht imminent be-
tween two boys on Elm street, Mon
day evening. One of them darklv
hinted that he was bigger than the
other. The smaller. who is the son of
deacon, defiantly retorted: II don't
care If you're as big as church debt ::
you can't scare me-"
"A small boy was looking at some
Scriptural engravings, and gazed long
and earnestly upon representation of
Adam and Eve in their primitive
dress. Turning to his mother. he
asked, "Ma, didn't Adam and Eve
wear any clothesE' "No, nv son /"
The lad reflected moment, and said.
"By hokey, though, but iii bet the
mosquitoes jist made them hump them
selves lively"
DOUBLE AND TwIsrED.-A laugha-
Die circumstance took place upon a
trial in Lancashire, where the Rev.
Mr.. Wood was examined as a witness.
Upon giving his name, Ottiwell Wood,
the judge, addressing the reverend
person, said: "Pray, Mr.. Wood, how
do you spell your nameT The old
gentleman replied:
20 double T,