davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19

could say .'0Id splendid" without sub
jecting herself to fngs
"You bet she can't" said the Presi-
dent. who was the original founder of
the society, and, therefore, appealed 70
when any nice question was to be de-
eided.
"Then, +" said the speaker, ST move
that Miranda Pew come down with the
dust, for heard her say that her beau
was Just old splendid. ,"
"Well, if my beau was such . hair
pin as your fellow is, wouldn't say IT. "
"Shoot the Ginning" said the Presi-
dent evil you never tumble ?"
But the confusion was too great to be
allayed. Miranda's blood was up; some
sided with her and others against, and
amid the babel which followed could be
heard such ordinations as "Dry upl"
Mice huckleberTy you are p "Wipe
off your chin p Hire a hall p etc.,
| when motion to adjourn was carried
by large majority.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Brilliant Newspaper Feat.

One of the most brilliant feats of
French reporting is thus told in the
Partisan: It happened at the time
when the great Troppmann murder case
was agitating Paris and France, and
when everybody was eager for details.
A reporter who had the matter in hand
left Paris for Cernay, where the father of
Troppmann resided. He arrived, called
upon the Justice Of the Peace and the
commissaire de police, invited them to
follow him to the marie, took his seat in
the judges chair, and there, with IN
paralleled audacity, ordered the garde
champetre to go and bring before him
the assassin's father. The officers did
not say word the reporter had con-
quered them by his air and demeanor.
When the father of Troppmann was
brought before him, the reporter inter-
rogated him as though officially COM
missioned to do so. The result of the
questioning was that the son had
written to his father on the eve and Oh
the day of the crime. Monsieur lie
Commissionaire," says the reporter,
"please go to the witness house and
seize the letters. The functionary
obeyed; the letters were brought, the
reporter read them, found them full OF
evidence of Troppmann's guilt copied
them carefully and with solemn air.
Then, with respect, he handed over the
originals TO the Justice of the Peace.
asked him to seal them carefully and
keep them for the further use of the
court The reporter put the copies int 0
his pocket, saluted the gentleman and
left. It was 1 o'clock in the afternoon,
and the train that was to bear his letter
to Paris would rot leave before evening.
If he sent his precious report by that
train it would be too late for the morn
ing edition of his paper. Beside, he met
two other Paris reporters, who had just
arrived, and who would soon hear the
news at Cernay and send them on to
Paris at the same time he did his report
What does he do? He goes up to his
brother reporters and says: 81 am dy-
ing of hunger, my friends You go to
the tavern there and order a good
deieuner, with plenty of wine, you know,
and I'll come presently" The two re-
porters did as he babe them, while our
friend jumped into wagon, had him
self driven to the station, after hard
begging and giving money, was allowed
to leave on luggage train, then about
to start, caught passenger train FOR
Paris at a junction further on and ar
rived at the Office of his paper late at
night. He communicated his informa-
ton, and the first page, which was al
ready closed up, was completely reset.
The next morning $4,000 copies of the
paper were sold.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Youthful Love Making.

A gentleman was swinging in ham,
mock with a 4-year-old boy, who is on a
.ountry vacation, when he noticed in
mother hammock just opposite bright
little girl Of about the same age, named
Nony Belle.
eff I were you" said the gentleman
to the little fellow, 81 would go over
and kiss Nony Belle; she looks just as
if she wanted kiss"
Nony Belle overheard the remark, and,
placing her chubby finger in her mouth,
twisted her head around In a rather
abashed manner.
The little fellow gazed at her intently
for full minute, and then, shaking his
head wisely, exclaimed, with an express
sion of disgust, 81 don't know about it;
she sucks her finger, and I got through
with that when l was baby. - Water
h75q.1f american
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Anff-SIanp Phrases.

The Reform Club is the title of new
organization by young ladies for the
purpose of discouraging the use of
"slang phrases" in conversation. At a
meeting, while member was addressing
the society, she inadvertently made use
of the expression lawful nice, and was
called to order by a sister member for
transgressing the rules.
"In what way have I transgressed %
asked the speaker, blushing deeply.
"You said it would be lawful nice to
admit young gentlemen to our delibera-
tons, replied the other.
"Well, wouldn't it be?" replied the
speaker. "You know you said yourself,
no longer ago than yesterday, that"
eyes, I know but you said awful
NICE That's slang"
"Well,' said the speaker tartly, elf
you are going to be so awful nice about
it, perhaps it is but I wouldn't say
anything if I were you. Didn't you tell
Sallie Spriggins this morning to pull
down her basque?'"
"No, I didn't, retorted the other,
her face growing crimson; "and Sallie
OpIlSSAuo VIII say uAoA u OAO WIN
go back ON me.
"This is a nice racket you are giving
us, cried the President, after rapping
both speakers to order. "Let me ask
what is the object of this society,""
"To discourage slang!" cried dozen
voices.
Correct" said the President, "go
on with the funeral. +"
A member rose to explain that she
had been fined at the last meeting for
saying awful nice" herself, but she
hadn't the stamps to pay it now-would
settle it, however, in the sweet land
by.
"That'n be all right" said the Presi-
dent; "pay when you get the ducats. !"
Another member asked if a young lady
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
A woman,s Age.

Eve, it is well known, was 16 years of
age when she was awakened by the side
Of her husband. Sixteen years old, say
ancient writer's, and that so bold that
they must have seen Ewes register writ
ten upon the. lilies og paradise. Now
women, who hsE3 s5ae times out of ten
more CURSES rabbinical learning than
tbs mean envy of our sex will allow
them; women, inheriting the privilege
from their first parent, believe that, az
ter certain time, they have just right
to LET their first sixteen years go Tor
nothing f.; and 50 they sink their first six
teen with smile, counting with Mother
Eve their seventeenth as their first real
birthday. And they are right. For il
deducts from your women of fve-and-
forty all that she cares to lose, giving
her fair start with Eve, and peggine
her back to ful-blown nine-and-twentv.
And indeed it is impossible that any
really charming woman should be a day
older.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19

They brought a chair from the h0tlse
and placed 1t By the side Of Miss Cow,
she looking wondezingly 1T Ehen with
great round eyes. The boys both stood
together in the chair, and Fred said,
"Now I viii count, and, when I say
four, we must spring upon the saddle.
One-two-three-four," and on they
went.
But. before they could say "fiye. .
Miss Buttercup's heels Sefe IN the air,
and her head went down SO quickly. that
Master Fled fell a Sudden chill, and
found himself in a tub of rain-water that
stood under the ewes of the wood-shed
while Rertie went head-foremost into a
pan of meal and {.ate~!
A slight noise followed theif fall.
Their uncle and aunt appeared. The
saddle was sent back to the stable, and
the boys did not engage Buttercup for
any more circus performances that sum-
mer. -Adnlnad Maggie.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
ButtercUp's Circus.

Fred and BERTHE, two little black-eyed
boys, were visiting their Aunt Susan in
beautiful county village. The large,
old-fashioned house, under a giant elm.
tree, was full of wonders to them but
their greatest delights were in driving
the old gray horse, or feeding and pet
ing an Attorney calf which Uncle
Harry was raising.
This "baby-cow," as little Bertie
called her, was kept away from its
mother, old Clouer, most of the day, and
tied to cherrytree in the side yard. The
boys named her Buttercup. They were
allowed to feed her with meal and water
and she soon grew SO tame that they
could pat and caress her as much as they
pleased.
One day Fred found an old saddle in
the stable; and he proposed to BERTHE to
help him put it on the calf, and have a
ride the length of her rope. They sue
ceeded in fastening it upon Buttercup's
smooth back and Freddie exclaimed
with delight, Now we viii have first
class circus!"
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
WOn1em ami Dru1S.

A naughty writer in the Boston Tran
script says Women are fond of be-
ing LII and taking medicine. They would
be angry If physician should say TO
them: Nothing ails you, madam, if
you only think So. They prefer to
think themselves sick, and in time really
become so, for nature, though shestrug-
giles hard, cannot stand everything.
Too many drugs viii finally destroy her
healing power. These people love to
have little box of white pills in bottles
and a little book, all kept in
some handy place, so that when
friend who has eaten too
much dinner says, Ooh, am
fearfdlty nervous Z they may run for
the little book, lock for nervousness,
and administer SO many pills Of bryonia.
When they have headache, instead OF
dieting or eating more moderately, they
take several drops Of some nice poison.
Their children catch slight cold and
are immediately shut up in close room
and dos8d With aeonite and belladonna,
in the meanwhile taking their usual
nourishment of mince pie, doughnuts,
etc. The doctor. comes, smiles, tells a
story; leaves more drops of aconite and
belladonna Id tumbler, and, after a
while, nature being bene6eent, the chill
dren get WELL"
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Solomon and the Tnne Bear.

Uncle Reuben was farmer, and he
had great many cattle, sheep, horses,
pigs, geese and turkeys, all Of which,
you know, are USUALLY found on a large
farm ; and, besides these, he had one an
imal not usually found on a farm. and
that was tame bear. He hired large
boy to do the "chores, as the easy part
OF farm work is called, and this bows
name was Solomon Sturtevant.
Now, although the bear was tame. he
was kept chained, for there was no tell
ing what mischief even o tame bear
might take in his head to do. He might
take notion to find out how nice ten
der pig would taste.
Solomon thought it fine sport to tease
the bear, and there was one way of do
ing it more amusing than any other, and
that was pelting him with green chest
nut burs.
Chestnut burs, you know, are covered
with sharp thorns, and yet the bear be-
ing very found of chestnuts, would try
to get at the nuts which he knew were
in DEMONSTRATING and whining, and
making up very comical faces, because
the burs pricked his mouth.
Solomon would stand and watch him.
and think it fine fun. But he came near
doing it once too often, for one day,
when he had carried the bear a capful of
burs, intending to have good laugh at
him, the chain that held the bear was
not fastened as firmly as usual. After
trying two or three burs, the bear made
spring toward Solomon, got loose from
his chain, and started after him in
earnest.
Solomon was not long in deciding that
he had something to do that time be-
sides laughing, and started in hurry
to get out of the bears way. Now there
was ladder leaning against the side of
the barn close by, and Solomon thought
that if he went upon the barn-roof he
would be all right.
No such thing. The bear went right
up the ladder after him. Then Solomon
ran up the roof to the ridge; but the
bear followed. Solomon ran down the
other side Of the roof, and SO did the
bear Solomon jumped down to the cow
house, and still the bear followed him.
Then Solomon jumped on to shed that
was close by the cow-house, and the
bear jumped too.
Solomon now began to think that his
time had come. He gave one more jump
from the shed to the ground. This was
too much of jump for the bear totake,
and so Solomon made good his escape.
[ do not remember how the bear got
down; but I am sure, that. when he
did, Solomon did not care to feed him
any more with green chestnut-burs ]
think Solomon was too glad to escape a
hugging to try it very soon again.
This is true story.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
At SEA.

1 am making .. voyage on sailing
vessel ffom San Francisco To the San
wich Islands. We have been on the
water for three weeks.
Every day ct noon, if the sun shines,
the captain comes up on deck with a
queer thing in his hand, which he calls
sextant. With this he looks at the sun,
and finds out just where on this great
ocean we are, and just how far we have
gone in the last twenty-four hours. To-
day he says We are three hundred miles
from Honolulu.
There are twenty sails on this ship. I
love to lie down on deck, and look at
them; and I think it is beautiful sight
to see them all spread and filed with
wind. It almost seems SIS If their tops
touched the sky. All the masts and
sails and ropes have names. | am sure
it would take me good while to learn
them but all the sailors know them.
When the captain wants sail changed,
he gives the order in a very loud tone
then the first mate. who is never very
far from the captain, repeats the order
and then the sailors rtin quickly to the
ropes and pull away, and sing while they
pull and the sail goes up or down, just
as the captain wants it.
Every hour a sailor takes his turn at
steering the ship; so that there is always
one man at the wheel. There is large
bell swung just in front of him, which he
strikes every half-hodt TO mark the time.
When it is twelve O'Clock, he strikes the
bell eight times and it is eight bells
again at four o'clock and at eight o'clock.
The first hour after eight bells is two
bells; the second, four bells; the third,
six bells; and the half-hours strike the
odd numbers, three, five and seven
bells. It is a very funny way to tell
time, I think
One DAY the captain slung hammock
on deck, and we had nice time swing
ing in it. Another day, when the sea
was very calm, he hung rope from the
rigging, and made real swing for us.
We have long fish-lines which we throw
over the ship side. Once a gentleman
on board caught beautiful dolphin, all
green and blue and gold The steward
made nice chowder out of the dolphin
for our lunch, and we had baked dolphin
for dinner that day.
Thanksgiving Eve little lamb was
born on board. The sailors named it
Thanksgiving" for the day. It is a
dear little lamb now,-so white and
gentle We have tied blue ribbon
about its neck; and it will run all over
the deck after us, and go to sleep in our
laps. There is cunning little pig, too,
which call Dennis" wish it were
really the same wonderful little pig; but
mamma says she does not think it can
be.
must tell you about the beautiful
bouquet the steward made for our
Thanksgiving dinner. 1t was made out
Of vegetables with a knife-yellow roses
from carrots, and white roses, iaponicas,
and tuberoses from turnips and potatoes.
Some Of the petals he dipped into beet
water, and SO made blush roses of them.
Then he made two canary birds of carrots
and perched them among the flowers.
Mamma said that she had seen many a
cluster of wax flowers that were not as
beautiful.
Perhaps I will write again when we
arrive in Honolulu. Bose in N.wServ,
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
WaIungu WidOWn,

When Walungu chief dies a most
baehareus custom prevails. All his wives
land they are always numerous) with
one exception, together With his head
man, are killed and buried with him. A
worse fate awaits the one not killed. A
hole, just sufficient to hold her, IS dug:
In this she is placed, and then covered
over, leaving only a small aperture,
through which she breathes, and by
which spear passes down into her
hand. At the end of the second day OF
burial, if it is found that she has sur
vived this horrible incarceration, and
tias she still holds the spear, she IS
taken out and allowed to live. If she is
dead, or gives no sign, then there is no
further need of burial, and SO the matter
is finished.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Practical Engineering,

An engineer examined not long since
In an arbitration case was asked Chow
long have you been in your profession Pr
Twelve years. " :" Are you thoroughly
acquainted with your work, theoretically
and practically" "Yes." "Do Won
feel competent to undertake large con
structions ?" eyes; most certainly. y
In what engineering works have YOU
been engaged during the last twelve
years p The manufacture of iron
bedsteads."
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Hammered by a Bet.

Betting in the public schools seems
likely to be the next thing in Nevada.
The State Superintendent said to the
children of school at Dayton the other
day, ST am hampered in my remarks
by bet of 500, which the editor of the
Austin Re0eitle holds over me, that no
State Superintendent ever leaves aFchool
without saying that it is one of the best
he ever saw. In CONSEQUENCE, not hav-
ing the courage of my opinions. will
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
Love. Making in a Beer Garden.

Making love in beer garden is liable
to be carried ON under disadvantages
and subject to Interruptions more or less
dlsagreeable. The other night young
man sitting with his sweetheart in a
garden over the Rhine was endeavoring
to pour tale OF love into her listening
ear, which the shrill cries incident to the
locality were continually interrupting.
The courtship ran something after this
fashion:
Dearest Eliza, you know that your
image alone holds place within my
heart. I thrill only to the soft tone OF
your sweet voice /; I am happy in no
company but yours. In short, better
than life do I love-"
"Zwi beer |"
As | was saying, before yon caitif
beer-lerker passed this way with his dis
cordant ejaculation, I am indissolubly
yours. The stars are never bright un-
less you are by my side, yet your eyes
Go ever shame their brightness. I see
no beauty In the flowers until your pres
ence blesses me, and then your beauty
make them hide their heads with envy.
For one kiss from those sweet lips I
would
Elm cigar elm mineral r
"(Confound that boy y Dost love
me, dearest, as I love you ? Wouldst
join your fate to mine? Could you con-
sent to gohand in hand with me through
life, banqueting on love and feasting
on"
Pretzels for two r.
"(Oh, hang your pretzels y What
would life be without thee? It; would
be as a barren desert without one oasis
a long dismal night uncheered by one
single star; cast adrift upon the wide
and lonely ocean, with no friendly sail
in view from day to day, and all the
while the fierce hunger in my heart cry.
ing"
Boleena woost p
Fire and blazesl Lie, let's get out
O. this"
They got - Cincinnati Saturday
Night.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
ERemarIzs at Weddings.

The following remarks have mostly
been said time after time at all our
"tony" weddings, and will be said
again and again on every such occasion:
Here she comes
Pretty, Isn't she2
Who made her dfbss
Is it Surah silk or satinf
Is her veil real lace?
She's as white as the wall
Wonder how much he's worth?
Did he give her those diamondg2
He's scared to death
isn't she the cool piece?
That trains hOrrid shape
Isn't her mother a dowdv?
Ar MT the bridesmaids homely2
That's handsome usher
Hasn't she cute little hand?
Wonder what number her gloves are
They say her shoes are fyes.
If his hair isn't parted in the middle
Wonder what on earth she married him for ?
For his money, of course!
Isn't he handsome?
He's as homely az q hedgehog
He looks like crcus-cloWni
No, he's like dancing master.
Good enough for her, anyway.
she was always q stuck-up thing.
She'll g worse than ever, now
Size jlteG Sam Somebody, didn't she2
No. b. never asked her.
He's left town, anyway.
Thtre, the ceremony has begun.
lint he awkwer ?
White as his COLLAR
Why don't they hurry up?
Did she say hhe would "obey?"
WHAT precious fool
There. they are married
Doesn't she look happy?
Pity If she wouldn't.
(Wisl u q in her placaD
What handsome coupei
Sac was always % sweet little thing
How gracefully she walks
Dear me- what airs she puts on
wouldn't he i'll her place for farm
II! bet those jewels were hired.
Well, she's off her fathers hands, at last !
Doesn't she cling tightly to him, though
She has mortgage on him now.
Hope they'll be happy.
They say she's awful smart.
Too smart for him by jugful
There, they are getting in the carriage.
That magnificent dress will be squashed
The way she does look at him
bet she worsbips him !
Worship be tAnged she's only making be-
lieve
it's kind o. nice to get married, isn't it
No, it's dreadful bore.
Wasn't it a stupid wedding7
What dowdy dresses
I'll never go to another
I'm Just suffocated
Tired to death.
Glad it's over
Oh, dear
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19

A VIRGINIA writer says "We some.
times see tender, fair flower of girl
in the midst of group of loud voiced,
loudmannered sisters. Neither under
stands the other, and, ike the ugly duck
lings of the fairy tales, she becomes the
star that echpses all the rest, much to
their amazement. The explanation is
simple Somewhere back In her ancestry
was gentleman who mingled the
patrician with the plebeian current, and
It breaks out in her and makes her as
another being-a very lily among holly
hooks.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19

DENVER has population of less than
$4,000, but it includes six men who are
worth from S1,0OO,000 to S., 900, 00O
each, twenty who are worth $500, 900,
and 200 who represent $3.50, 600 in their
own right. Denver. has, beside its batch
of rich men, six widows whose combined
fortunes aggregate $3,000,00O.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19

On cliff near Rincon point, in Ven
tura county, CAL, the rocks are SO hot
as to be unbearable to the naked hand.
Sulphur fumes are also noticeable in
that locality, and from all indications
fierce fire is raging below the surface.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19

JOHN GILPrS, the citizen of "famou.
London town." commanded in a com
pany of the third Bluffs, the controversy
as TO whose territorial designation and
buff facing under the new British army
reform scheme is now raging so fiercelT.
a simple stone records his burial place
at the northeast angle of the northern
transept of Westminster Abbey, about
half way between the Abbey and the
Church of St Stephen.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
rmE FEEnLE.M1NDED 1rENDERFOOr.
xoNru THE FIR,yr.

MONTH THE FIEn.
lam q rushing genderfoot,
I'm laying for claim.
Can any Of you rustlers put
A fellow on the same7
amt o hos, don't want fauch-
Athousand 10 the ton, or such.
MONTE THE SECOND.
am peaceful Tenderfoot,
I'm l0okiA for chance
To tOin some fortunate galoot
That's struck 4 circumstance.
amt hog, don't want much
A hundred TO the ton, or such.
MONTH THE TH9sD.
am struggling TenderEoot,
I'm hunting for tome pard
That's got the downright moral root
To play grub stake card.
&n'tA hog, don't want much
Aourro, can Of beans, on SUCH
MONTH TIE FoURrH.
am a weary Tenderfoot,
want some Eastern bum
within nay hand his hand DO put
And sweetly murmur-" home"
amt a hog, don't want much
- An empty through freight car, or such.
-GUants0a (CoLl Nssee.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-08-19
GOSSIP FOR THE LADIES.


az love you, little sweetheart"
he IN tender accents said.
Ana lore you, too" she answered,
As she bent hrr pretty head.
And the stars looked down from heaven
On the charming tete-s-tete,
As the pair Of youthful lovers
Gently swung upon the gate.
ayes, 1 love you" she softly murmured,
Looking up at MIN sgain.
Holy mackereli Gee Moses -
Answered he IN direst pain,
For, alas we never knew the
Ingenuity Of fate,
Ind love that betrays us often
To stnsshsa thumb in the gate.