Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1881-02-03
HUMORS OF THE DAY.

THE man whose lager went the wrong
way said he had an ale in his coughin'.
WoMEN's hearts and violins are very
much alike. 1t takes beau to play on
either of them.
jon had patience, but then Job never
tried to back carriage into q narrow
shed on dark night.
AN exchange says: 1.-THE butchers OF
Baltimore are very handsome. That is
when they are dressed to kill
WE would like TO inquire if the man
who sat with bated breath got bite? II
so the plan might be at once adopted by
our ignoble army of tramps.
A NEW book is ont entitled thinks in
Rebecca's Life" Rebecca was probably
o sausage makers daughter. What an
eventful and mysterious life she must
have ledl
II PRESUME you understand my bust
ness" said the census-taker to the aero
bat II merely wish to know your oc-
cupation." "Oh, yes, / tumble, replied
the acrobat.
ON the order slate on the door Of
carpenter shop in this city passing
pedestrian discovered the following:
Gum to IS LickeI store a Dore to
fics. "--RocheSter Herald.
SENIOR asks professor very profound
question. Professof Mr.. W, a
fool can ask question that ten wise men
could not answer" Senior-"Then i
suppose that's why so many of MS funk. "
EXTRACT from letter from Angelina
Dear Henry, you ask if | return your
love. Yes, Henry. have no use for it
and return it with many thanks. By-by,
Henry. boston Transcript.
AN impairment fop made fun Of an old
farmers large nose, mouth and chin, but
the old farmer silenced him by saying.
"Your nose, mouth an chin all had to be
made small so at there'd be material lett
for your cheek.
MOTHER, said little girl, who was
engaged in making an apron for her doll,
FL believe l will be duchess when
grow up" How do you expect to be-
come a duchess, my daughter?" tWhy,
by marrying Dutehman, to be snrer
replied the little girl. :
Il HAVE left all my fortune 10 my
wife, said the philosophic husband of a
grumbling and scolding spouse, "oi
condition that she shall marry again.
"What is that for?' acked his legal adj.
wiser. II wish to be sure that tier
will be some one TO regret my death
when am gone" said the husband
"Is dot So asked Galveston bank
rupt of friend, IDIOT Schwindelmeyei
hash failed in pishness?" The reply was
in the negative, whereat the bankrupt
said enthusiastically: II am tam GLAD
Schwindelmeyer wash an honest man;
den der wash too mooch competition al
ready is dish bankrupt pishness?' Cal
peston Neios.
AN Irishman knows how to pay COM
pliment, but he does not always put it IN
the right place. A beautiful young lady
happened to shndder, aud afterward said
referring to the old adage, "Some one
is walking over my grave. Patrick
could not lose the chance to say some
thing very polite, and SO he replied;
"Oh, my lady, / emily wish that | were
the happy man.
A FASHIONABLE lady was unexpectedly
left without o servant She undertook
to make her husbands cup of coffee, but
it took SO long he asked what in the
Halifax was the matter with the coffee.
II don't know she said, bursting into
tears; tive boiled these beans for full
hour, and they are no softer now than
they were when / first put them in the
pot - Gatveston Neies.
SOME time since car used to go from
Wicklow to Dublin, and as the mare was
found To travel much more briskfy under
the influence of glass of whisky the
habitual travellers subscribed to supply
her with this stimulant Traveller Pat,
the mare won't 80 at all to-day. You
rogue, you did not give her the drop. :
Driver "Well, your honor, I'll tell nc
lie. IL was an awful cowld mornin and
wanted drop meself rs bad as hcr, SC
we tossed for it and sure won the toss. .
Mr.. BELKNAp and Mrs. Green were
foolish and wicked enough to elope to-
gether at Melrose, Wis. They drove o
good horse rapidly, but when ten miles
from town they heard clatter of hoofs
behind them. The deceived husband
had got wind of the fight, and was in
hot pursuit The race was long and ex.
citing, but anon the husband caught up,
and presented pistol at the terrified
pair. lyon may have yonr wife, Mr..
Green, said the abiect Belknap. "Wifc
be blowed?" replied Mr.. Green. You
don't think I've chased after her? Oh,
mol But I'll take the dollar and hall
she has in her pocket" The money was
given up, and the elopement was car
ried out according to the programme.