Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1881-02-03
SARDINES.
More of Mr.. SpoOpendyke's Domestic
Troubles.
Brooklyn Eagle.


endyke, tossing over the laces and rib
bOns in his wife's bureau drawer, whats
become of the can opener? don't see it
anywhere"
What do you want of it ?" asked Mrs
Spoopendyke, futtering up to protect
her trinkets, and trying to gain little
time.
81 want to open some sardines with
it." retorted Mr.. Spoopendyke. abandon
ing the drawer and hunting through the
work basket. Think l want to comb
my hair with it? Imagine l want to
write letter with it? Well, don't, l
want some sardines. What have you
done with it?"
"You might take your big knife" rec
commended Mrs. Spoopendyke. "The
large blade is just is just the thing for
that"
Mr.. Spoopendyke seized the knife and
bored away at one corner of the box,
while his wife looked on with consider
able distress.
Hadn't you better put paper under
the box? You'll get the oil all over the
table cloth" suggested Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke.
mo, won't either" said Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, as the knife plunged through
and the oil spattered. Serve you right
if l did" he continued, ploughing away
at the tin, while the grease flew in all
directions. at would teach you to put
the can opener where you could find it.
What kind of housekeeping do you call
this anyhow" he yelled, as the blade
slipped out and closed up on his fingers.
did you hurt yourself dear?" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke anxiously
No, l didn't hurt myself" grinned
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "The dod gasted knife
struck a bone, or l would have been
dead with agony an hour ago. Give me
some ether" he howled. Fetch me
some chloroform! S'pose I'm going to
anasthetic? Got an idea I'm going to
chop off couple dozen fingers without
something to deaden the pain? Where's
the laughing gas? Give me some laugh
ing gas while extract these measly old
fish, and Mr.. Spoopendyke pranced
round the room, and then jabbed the
knife into the box again, and ripped
away as though he was run by steam.
sNo use to hide away from mer' he
yelled, hacking at the box with all his
might. IL know you're in there, and
there can't any dod gasted sardine that
ever was built get away from me. Come
out l tell ye" and he seized fish by the
tail and slung him across the room.
You're transactiDg business with
Spoopendyke nowi' and he clawed out
a handful Of mashed sardines and slap
ped them down on plate.
Wont you spoil 'em dear?" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke, lodging the flying
heads and tails. "They won't be very
good if you open 'em that way"
"Oh, won't they?" howled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. "If You don't like 'em that way
what'd you ask for 'em for? Maybe you
want me to take 'em out baby carriage
P'raps you've got an idea | ought to
climb under 'em and lift 'em out? May
be you want me to get into that box
with boat and take 'em out with a |
seine? Well, L won't, 1 tell ye. Give
me the tongs. l want that fish at the
bottom. Where's the tongs? Gone to
get married to the can opener, haven't |
they?" and Mr.. Spoopendyke grabbed
another fish and fired him into the CRATE.
BE patient, my DEAR" said Mrs. |
Spoopendyke, soothingly. Make the
opening little wider, and they'll come
out"
"Ain't patientl'. shouted Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. "P'raps you want me to sing
to 'em, 4 wish / was an angel and WITH
the dod gast the fish, Come out of |
that! and with wrench Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke hauled off the top and disclosed
tie mangled remains of his enemies.
Now give me a lomon,' and he eyed the
repast with anything but contentment.
'Stir around and get me lemon-quick,
nowv
upon my word, my dear, 1 don't be-
lieve there's lemon in the house,"
Mrs. Spoopendyke. Il had
one"
"Oh. you had onep proclaimed Mr..
Spoopendyke, ''only you're just out. If
you'd been brought up right, you'd only
need an awning and family on the top
floor to be a grocery shopi S'pose I'm
going to eat these sardines raw? Think
I'm going to swallow these fish alive?
Gimme something to put on them will :
1e?"
"What would you like, my dear?"
lueried Mrs. Spoopendyke. t
link, dod gast it, Fetch me some t
neasly inkl Got any nails? Can't ye G
md some laudanum somewEere?" and
dr. spoopendyke projected himself into
he closet and pranced out with bottle !
f arnica There" he howled as he :
ashed the contents over the sardines,
there's your fish all ready for you, and
le next time you want me to open The Il
lings, you have a lemon, will ye? Find a
can opener, won't YEP and Mr.. Spoop- b