davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05
HAWKEYE SHOTS.

A river is always down in the
mouth.
A cider.press is sappiest when it
is at work.
Guiteau is feeling quite i'll, but he
is afraid to call i'm q physician, fear
ing the authorities may send DR..
Bliss.
docs it pay to keep chickensY
asks correspondent in Yellow
Spring. OF course not, you lunatic;
it pays to sell 'em.
"A man ont in Kansas has two
hearts. What man in Kansas re-
ally needs is two livers. Then he
will have just about enough dyspep-
STA TO go around.
Some of the new styles of ladies'
hats are so extensive in diameter
they have to be worn on the shonld-
er blades. And the largest hats are
worn by the smallest women.
A cigar factory in New York was
destroyed by fire one night last week,
and four million cigars burned. And
they didn't make anybody sick, Ell
Their, except the owner of the factory.
The New York yachts appear to he
built on the Cornell model. Thoy
don't seem to sail very fast, but their
staying qualities ~rcsimmense; in
fact they are lasters-comc in last
every time they sail.
The other day thief picked tho
pocket of a congressman. Now, no
man can say that that thief handled
honest money. (And, brethren, we'd
Just like to see anybody hang libel
suit on that little remark.
So many colleges have burned in
the United States this fall,it is feared
that our boating interests may suffer
seriously next year. True, Cornell
still stands. But that's the gaul OF
IL; what We want is boat crew that
can go.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05

The Relic Bureau at Cleveland.
having in charge the distribution Of
catafalque relics, recognizing the de-
sire of the people to obtain memen-
toes, and fearing the floral and other
emblems may not DO sufficient in
number to supply all who apply, as
letters are coming In at the rate
of about thousand y day, has re-
solved to prepare from the building
material Of the pavilion a variety of
articles, for which contributions of
from 81 to IS will be received. Each
souvenir, such as is being prepared
under the original plan, consists Of
a flower, piece of grass or foliage,
and square of black bunting. with
Autograph certificate Of the COM
mittec. Those who send one dollar
will receive in addition regular re-
ceipt from the Monument Committee.
Fearing the decorations and drapings
will not meet with the unexpectedly
large demand, the Bureau will manu-
facture the pavilion lumber into
easels, circular, oval and small pict-
ure frames, canes, and similar artf-
cles for keep-sakes, to he sent to
those who ask and remit from one to
five dollars. The money received for
the relics win be applied to the Gar
field Monument Fund, after deduct
ing only the actual cost of manufac-
ture. The Bureau expects to be rea-
dy to begin to send out floral and
drapery souvenirs by Thursday. The
manufacture OF other relics will be
started at once.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05

$50 to-" tho man said when the
goat helped him over the fence; but
he really thought there must be half
dozen at least. Ito tell the honest
truth, he didn't say that at all; but
we can't print what he really did say,
and we lave to print something.)
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05
She Gave Arthur the N1ftten.

Toy Iimes
Our lively Little Falls correspond
ent writes: ga lady once moving in
the best society in New York now re-
sides at Little Falls, and knows the
meaning of might have BEEN When
President Arthur was poor young
man and fifteen years younger than
this lady he proposed and was re-
jected. The lady is well-known here,
and does not refrain from mention
ing her 'lost opportunity as mistress
of the White House"
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05
The Paper Which Guftcau
wished 10 Read.

the most to be pitied.
The Paper which Guftcau
wished 10 Rend-
The paper which Guiteau wished
to read when he was called upon to
plead in court was as follows:
If the court plcasc-I wish to say
that / have been terribly villified by
the press, and it has made some per-
sons bitter and impulsive against
me. On october 9th the New York
Herald publishes seven columns
from my autobiography, which
expect tor issue soon in book.
Aside from the impertinent state
ments that am creature of the
greatest vanity and that / crave no
toriety-which are absolutely false
and similar unkind statements, ] am
indebted to the reporter and the Her
aid for giving me so fair hearing.
/ plead not guilty to the indictment
and my defense is threefold:
First-Insanity, in that it was
Gods act and not mine. The Di-
vine pressure on me to remove the
| President was so enormous that 1T
destroyed my free agency, and there
fore ] am not legally responsible for
my act.
Second--The President died from
.mal- practice. About 3 weeks after
he was shot, his physicians, after a
careful examination, decided that he
would recover. Two months after
this official announcement he died.
Therefore l say he was not fatally
shot. If he had been well treated he
would have recovered.
| Third-The President died in
New Jersey and, therefore, beyond
the jurisdiction of this Court. This
malpractice and the Presidents death
in New Jersey are special providen-
ces and, / am bound to avail myself
of them on my trial in justice to the
Lord and myself / undertake to say
that the Lord is managing my case
with consummate ability and that lie
had special object in allowing the
President to die in New Jersey. His
management of the case is worthy OF
Him as the Deity, and / have entire
confidence in His disposition to pro
tect Inc and send me forth to the
world a free and vindicated man.
"He uttered his voice." says the
psalmist, "and the earth melted. ;"
This is the God ! served when
sought toremove the President. The
Lord and the people do not seem to
agree in this case.
The people consider the President
removal an unbearable outrage, and
me a dastardly assassin, and they
prayed the Lord to spare the Presi-
dent. For neaaly three months the
Lord kept the President at the point
Of death and then allowed him to de-
part, confirming my act. The mere
fact of the Presidents death is moth
ing. All men have died and all men
will die. General Burnside died sud
denly about the time the President
dido The President and General
Burnside were both splendid mer
and no one regrets their departure
more than I. The President died
from malpractice and General Burn
side from apoplexy. Both were spe
cial providences and the people ought
to quietly submit to the Lord in the
matter. The President would not
have died had the Lord not have
wished him to 60. have no con
ception of it as a murder or as an as
sassination. / had no feeling o.
wrong doing when sought to remove
him, because it was Gods act and
not mine, for the good of the Ameri
can people. plead not guilty to the
indictment
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05

ter father, who had always suspected
his real parentage, told the young
man his suspicion. Without delay
the latter who inherits his fathers
intellect-with, it is to be hoped more
moral stability-secured counsel, and
after several years work succeeded in
making out clear record of the
whole case, from the marriage regis
try to his birth, baptism and being
taken away up TO the present time.
Attorney General Pratt lent his aid
and yesterday the young man, who
had taken his own name, received by
order of the Court,
HIS MOTHER PROPERTY.
One would be inclined to smile at
such plot as this in a sensational
story, and vet without any embel-
fishing, it is as remarkable as we
could find between the yellow covers
Of French novelette,. Consider, too
the utter establishment of the dead
woman's friends at this disclosure,
as we'll as the CONSERVATION of the
New Jersey lambs who had looked
up TO their shepherd as a model man
fer thirty years, little suspecting that
his whole life was one lie. Perhaps
out of all the number concerned his
innocent wife and her children are
the most to be pitied.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-11-05

TUE New DOMINION and Wheeling
Weekly Intelligencer, $3.50 year.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
ANINTELLIGENT SNAKE.
How Mountain Reptile saved
Child's life

N"is"h ksNeNsj appear.
81 want to tell you how my childs'
life was saved up in the mountains the
other day." said an old farmer who
came into the Appeal office yesterday.
"You don't mind an item with snake
in it, do you"
Hearing no reply the old man con-
tinued: Last Tuesday | was coming
down from the lake with my little girl,
when / stopped the horse and got out
to get a drink at a spring, my bottle
having given out. While | was drinking
the horse got frightened and dashed
down the road with the child in the
wagon. | only have twelve girls, sir,
and wouldn't spoil the set for worlds.
Well, | gave up the horse and child for
lost, but followed them right up, and
presently found the horse right on the
edge of precipice at dead standstill.
He couldn't move an inch. When /
got closer | thought that a strap had
caught round his fetlock and one end
caught round tree l went to pull on
the strap and jumped about ten feet
for bust me clear open if it wasn't
rattlesnake that was holding the horse.
He had wound his tail around The
horses's leg, and his neck was turned
three times around the sapling and his
teeth were fast in the wood. He was
twelve feet long, sir for l measured
him right there. A few pounds more
strain would have snapped the snake
right in two. / got the horse away
from the precipice. And might as
well tell the whole truth; the snake
wasn't over five feet long, for when |
took the strain off he came back to his
natural size. You know how elastic
snake is. The child is four years old,
and wasn't frightened in the least. IF
you put this item in the weekly send
me four copies-I want 'em for rela-
tives in the east"
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
Married for Love.
From the Yonkers Statesman

The man who has married for love is
a happy follow. He is generally cheer
ful, and always thinking of the dear
ones at home. He prefers to live out
of town for the sake of his children.
He is rarely late at business, rises early,
garden little, eats hearty breakfast,
and goes to the necessary labor with
a light heart and clean conscience.
He often brings home pleasant sur
prises for his wife and children. You
may recognize him in trains loaded
with parcels, which he good-naturedly
carries with perfect unconcern of what
others think-a new bonnet, music,
books, cloak for his wife; while in an
other parcel the wheels of cart, a
ack-in-the box, a doll, or skipping-rope,
intrude through the paper and suggest
the nursery. He is brave and kind,
though he makes no noise in the
world.
daring red-cheek little fellow who calls
him father brings glow and rapture
of the purest pleasure earth holds; for
the man who has never felt a tiny hand
clasp his will always lack something
he will be less human, less blessed than
others.
This is the noble, the honest, the only
form of life that imparts real contempt
and Joy that will make deathbed glo-
rious and love see peace through its
tears. 1t is SO purely unselfish, so ten
derby, true; it satisfies the highest in
stincts; it stimulates men to the best
deeds they are capable of.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
In the Wrong Pulpit.
Lindsay Post.

A young Methodist clergyman not q
hundred miles from Lindsay (Can.) a
few Sundays ago was delegated to re-
lieve brother clergyman in a neigh
boring village, and never having been
in the place before he had to make
inquiries when he got there as to the
location of the parsonage. 1t was point
ed out to him, and after putting up
his horse in the stable he walked into
the church next door, naturally think
ing it from the close proximity to the
parsonage, to be the church in which
he was to preach. The congregation
had nearly all assembled, and as the
young divine walked up the aisle to the
pulpit expressions of surprise were
manifested on all sides that they were
to have strange minister without hav-
ing heard anything about it. But of
course the clergyman could not read
their thoughts, and sent up his list of
hymns to the choir in the usual way
Then he leaned back in his seat for a
breathing spell before commencing the
service. As he was taking his ease a
clergyman entered the church and see
ing strange minister in the pulpit,
quietly took seat in the front pew to
await developments. Presently the
stranger took down the hymn-book from
the desk and turned up the page on
which he expected to find a hymn he
had selected, but was astonished to
observe that the numbers did not cor
respond He beckoned the clergyman
in the pew to come forward, and asked
is this the hymn-book you use here?"
Certainly; that is Bible Christian
hymn-book, was the reply. The
young minister took in the situation at
once; he had got into the wrong church.
After making an explanation he grasp
ed his hat and promptly walked out.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
A MILITARY FUNERAL
STEAM WHISTLES In A FOG.
| Curious Phenomena Reported by a
| Island sound Navigator.
..From the Norwich lCt.l Bulletin.

From the Norwich (Ct) Bulletin.
Capt. Shirley, of the steamer City of
Lawrence, of the Norwich and New
York Transportation Company's line,
reports strange phenomenon on the
Sound during foggy nights, which is
worthy the investigation of scientific
men. He says that when the steamer
City of Lawrence was three or four
miles off Stratford Shoals light, on the
night of the 18th inst. he heard
whistle which sounded off the starboard
bow. He blew the whistle of his boat
several times. giving two blasts each
time, but could get no reply. He stop.
ped his boat, blew three whistles, and
was delayed some three minutes, when
the steamer State of New York sud
denly appeared. blew two whistles and
passed him ON the left. On the same
night, when near Faulkner's Island, the
State of New York whistled to the
north of the Lawrence. She blew
two whistles and the New York return
ed one blast and she passed to the south
ward Capt Shirley did not hear her
whistle from the time that he heard her
first blast, until she passed him. Whist
les were heard to the eastward, but not
to the westward, that night.
Sunday night, when the Lawrence
was two miles from the Bartlett Reef
light boat, the bell was heard plainly,
but when the Lawrence had got within
a mile of the light-boat they lost the
sound until within an eighth of mile
of it, when they saw the glimmer of
the light. The same phenomenon oc-
CURED off the Cornfeld light The
water was calm, and light northeast
erly breeze was blowing. When off
Huntington, on the same night, Capt.
Shirley heard whistle blow four or
five times. 1t then grew fainter and
fainter, until it could be no longer
heard. He thought it was a steamer
going away from him. After running
Tor two or three minutes, he heard %
whistle close ahead on the starboard
bow. The Lawrence blew three whist
les and backed, and had to hail large
tug, with barges in tow to leave their
helm to the starboard in order to pre-
vent collision. The tug passed the
Lawrence with but 10 feet of lee room.
Capt Mott an old sound navigator, re-
members the occurrence of similar phe
nomena on the night of the collision
between the Stonington and Narragan-
sett, in June, 1880.
Why the sound Of whistles is not con-
veyed as well on foggy night as on
clear one, is a problem to be solved. 1t
cannot be attributed to headwinds OF
heavy seas, for the sea was calm and
the air almost motionless The signals
at HUNTINGTON and Execution lights
have been heard over Is miles agai st
a northeast gale. The navigators of
the sound are anxious to have the phe-
nomena explained.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
Sitting Bull Bounced.
fort Walsh Correspondence Toronto

fOrt W aiSn correspondence Toronto GlODe.)
StaH-Sergeant Mackey, who has Just
arrived from Wood Mountain, gives an
account of slight trouble which took
place recently at that fort. While a
Sioux woman was getting wood in the
bush near the fort she saw a Cree In
dian hiding. AS war party of that
nation was known to be coming to at
tack the camp of the few Sioux who had
not yet surrendered to the American
government, she at once alarmed her
tribe. In few hours the bush was sur
rounded by Sioux warriors, who avow-
eddy made up their minds to make a
shining example ofthe Cree. However,
they neglected to put anyone between
the fort and the bush, and the Cree
managed to crawl along the ground
and get into the fort. When the Sioux
found he was there they came down in
body headed by Sitting Bull, and de-
manded of Major Crozier that he
should be given to them. Ofcourse the
major could not comply with any such
demand, but told them he would inves-
tigate the matter; and if he found the
Cree had intended to do any mischief
he would severely punish him. Slit
ing Bull was bound to have the Indian,
and made an endeavor to force his way
into the fort at the head ofhis warriors.
Major Crozier, who is large, powerful
ly built man, would not allow him to
do so, and when he persisted in getting
in he took him by the neck, and cert
ain uncomfortable place, and threw the
renowned chief out of the gate, and
shut it in his face. The men in the
fort were well able to resist any dem
onstration that might have been made,
but the Sioux were not rong enough
and altogether 10 sensible to do any
thing further. The Cree was in the
guard house when Sergeant Mackey
left. 1t is fact that he did not belong
to such a party as the Sioux expected.
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
Cutting ups the Edinburg Review.

An Indian rajah, who was pleasantly
disposed toward the English, and had
learned their language after fashion,
frequently visited, some years ago, the
vicerov of Calcutta, and on one. occa-
sion borrowed of the latter a copy of
the Ediaburg ReUiew, which he hap
pened to see lying on the table When
he returned the magazine, the viceroy
asked him if he had found anything in
teresting in it.
"Oh, yes" he replied, 'many beauti-
full things, but also many disconnected
articles"
Chow SOP" asked the viceroy.
''See here" answered the rajah, ''this
begins with Hunting the Ourang-
outang,' does it not? And now turn
over the page, and here you have the
History of Mary Stuart"
The viceroy laughed. He perceived
that the rajah had attempted to read
the book without emitting the leaves.
He accordingly took from his table a
beautiful ivory paper-cutter, explained
its use to his visitor, and made him a
present of it. The rajah was puzzled
as to how the leaves of the book could
be printed before they We're cut open,
but this also was explained to him.
About a year after this occurrence, the
viceroy saw a gay company entering
the court, and in the centre of it the
rajah seated on young elephant No
sooner did he see the viceroy than he
cried:
do you happen to have an uncut
copy of the Edinbarg Rer'e'u2 If So,
please toss it to me"
The viceroy threw out the magazine.
1t was caught by the elephant, who
placed it between his tusks, which had
been wrought into elegant paper-cut-
tiers, even including carved handles,
and quickly cut open the leaves, after
which the knowing animal passed the
Re,aew back to the surprised viceroy.
The raiah then dismounted and said to
the vieeroy, as he pointed to the ele-
plant:
HE is yours ] return you the pa
per-cutter alive"
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09
YennOr's Predictions Arouse Indignation
i'm Certain Quarters.

In April last Vennor made the fol-
lowing prediction concerning the wealth
err: 'May will enter cold, with snow in
some localities. Very hot weather bet
ween the Sth and 18th. with thunder
showers. Frost are probable on the
25th and Goth. June will enter cold
and wet. Stormy and wet 9th and 9th.
Frosts 9TH and 8th. Each month OF
the year will bear FROST
well" exclaimed ex-Alderman Hall
throwing his straw hat aside in disgust.
''if ever | buy summer suit of clothes
again hope they will fall off me-"
"Do you suppose" asked the re-
porter ''that anything will be done IN
the matter by the city authorities"
"Faughl" was Mr.. Halls sarcastic re-
I'D give five-dollar bill, said Aid
erman Shells, who had just presented
his last winters overcoat to the Socie-
ty for the Prevention of Nudity among
the Heather. ito be locked in a room
with that man Vennor. He's a public
nuisance, and if he keeps goin' on this
way much longer the beer that viii be
spoilt would float all the navies in the
world"
'Tm very sorry to hear it, said Mr.
Henry Bergh, when the report had been
read to him. There was every prospect
of hot fight at Albany, but I'm very
much afraid if there is to be a frost
River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-06-09

that the row win be nipped in the
bud"
'.Do you think" we asked of ex-Ald-
erman Koch, that there has been any
combination in this matter between
Vennor and Senator Conkling?"
II voodn't be surprised any more
at enydinks,'' replied the retired leg
islator mournfully.
DO you think it will injure the
beer?"
"0of it wood do somedinks like do
| go right away oud of der gundry,'
replied Mr.. Koch.
Its crying shame" said Police
Justice Walsh of Brooklyn, ''to be
publishing the sayings of that Canadi-
an lunatic. Here it is only the tail end
of May, and I've changed my under
wear forty times on account of that
mans phrophesies. But III do it no
more, if froze to death