Connecticut western news., 1881-08-24
WIT AND WISDOM.
A BARK mill-A dog fight.

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 TIE real Irish internal machine-The whisky still.
 EVERY league baseball club has now beaten every other one.
 IT IS the habit of mankind to give the fine flour to the world and the bran to God.
 IF we could only be as rich as some men we would almost consent to be aS foolish as others.
 TRUTH, duty and six per cent. interest are all that are necessary to insure the happiness of mankind.
 He who trusts to the word of aknave is no less fool than the man who tries to hold an eel by the tail.
 WHEN we are sick we are willing to be very religious, but when we are we'll we prefer to do as we please.
 ONE clam does not make chowder. But very frequently that is about all you get in it, all the same.
 You have to pay thirty cents to walk up Mount Washington, and yet it seems good deal like working your passage.
 THE clam has larger mouth, in pro- portion to its size, than human being, yet clam never talks about its neigh bor.
 To TALK about virtue when you are not virtuous yourself is like giving @ man check when you have no money in the bank.
 "GooD for trottin' maybe, but she wouldn't do much with plow," was an old farmers comment as he critically viewed Maud.
 You can't get peace of mind out of evil doing, or, as the old proverb runs, you can't take a COW from a man who doesn't own one.
 HENRY MURAT, who spent $60, 1000 in one visit to Europe, slept recently on the floor of barber shop in Denver, because he hadn't enough money to pay for nights lodging at hotel.
 AN old man who had been badly hurt in railroad collision, being advised to sue the company for damages, said !: "Wal, no not for damages. I've had enough of them, but I'll just sue 'em for repairs"
 "How are you enjoying the country this summer, Charley?" Thoroughly. When left the city thought I'd miss the gymnasium, but don't. We fight gnats all day, and the mosquitoes fight us all night"
 A MAN was selling horse, when the would-be purchaser, inquiring as to his leaping powers, asked, "Would he take timber ?" "He'd jump over your head" replied the other. "I don't know what you call that"
 You ought not to ask for any favors from fortune all that you have @ right to demand is that you shall, like horse that is willing to do his share but not willing to pull the whole load, be put even on the wiffletrees.
 A PAINTER, who was we'll acquainted with the d1re effects of law, had to rep resent two men, one who had gained lawsuit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with shirt on, and the latter naked.
 THE Philadelphia Chronicle Herald says :-" After being married for nearly fifty years an Indiana couple is trying to secure divorce. The desire to end their last days in peace and quietness appears to be irresistible with the old"
 A RHODE ISLAND man called neigh bor @ lantern-jawed cockroach." A suit for islander resulted, and the jury returned as follows: "Not guilty on lantern -jawed, but way off on cockroach, and we find damages in thesum of three cents."
 ) LET the man who thinks the world } would go into smash if he were out of } it go into the country for few weeks, and when he returus count up the f friends who were aware of his absence. ) He can count them on his fingers, and 5 won't have to use both hands to do 1t B either.
 s WHILE recently engaged in splitting 1 wood, Jones struck false blow, caus- s ing the stick to fly up. It struck him : on the jaw, and knocked out front ] tooth. "Ay," said Bill, meeting him : soon after, "you've had dental opera.
 tion performed, I see." "Yes," replied
 the sufferer, "ax-idental.
 "OH, fly with me p cried the wild esthete, e As he uttered bis love too-too, o "We shall float down the utterly utter tide.
 In this utterly frail canoe."
 "Quite too utterly sweet would it be to flee, - In that frail canoe with you. s But utterly fear my parent dear, e Which his speciality is glue" T A REGENT visitor to Niagara Falls l. pays the inhabitants of the place the following compliment: "A set of peo !" pie who can take tremendous thin. a like Niagara Falls and so fence it in tha it can not be seen without pay are en :, titled to some respect for their shrewd u ness though they deserve to be kicke, o for their meanness." a A'physician ought to be careful les O he tell too much of the truth. When il lady living in Chelsea sent to Londol 1t for doctor she apologized for askinj e him to come such distance. "Don'
 speak of it," answered the M. D.
 happen to have another patient in tn ,s neighborhood, and can thus kill tw l. birds with one stone." It A MAN who had climbed chestnu ;" tree had by carelessness missed his hol' ih of one of the branches, and fell to tn m ground with such violence as to breal