The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-02-03
Mr. MeedIes and his Girl.

The dress circle was adorned by q dys-
peptic-looking girl, with big feet, who
had a brown wart on her face and a GER
tain look about her which plainly told
that she was fresh from boarding-school.
Beside her sat q long, gawky young
man, who was from the country, and
evidently smitten with the charms OF
the young lady by his side, upon whom
he would ever and anon bestow the most
tender chances. During an intermisslon
in the play he turned to her, and, in a
voice as tender as a sirloin steak, said :
"Don't yer think it's awful warm In
this ere theater, Miss Nary"
She let fall on him a languid, pltylng
glance, and then replied:
"Ah! yes, there exists a certain de-
gree of c~loseness which is deleterious to
the comfort of ones physical being ;
but, my dear Mr.. Weedles, you are no
doubt perfectly ware of the fact that
chemistry teaches us that the exhala-
tions of SO many individuals carbonlzes
the entire atmosphere, yltlatlng it to a
degree which renders it poisonous to the
respiratory organs, as well as to the
corpuscles in the blood, producing nau-
sea, and in some cases syncope. You
can see at a glance, Mr.. Weedles, that
this is caused by the lack of oxygen"
eyes, know 'em, that is, I've read
of 'em, but hain't never seen any yet,
as I know n but when Bill Wilkins,
ut their protracted meeting down on
Goose creek, said that the heart was a
part of the stomach, I told him it was
the derndest lie he ever spoke"
"Oh, dear | how absurd it was in him
to make such a statement. Why, don't
you know that the palpitation of the
viscus generates a subtle electrical force
which is the most mysterious, wonderful
and startling power which propels the
anatomy of the genus homo?"
"I-Ih ave-yes, I've heern tell of it
| afore, but I don't stick myself up as
knowing every thing. I amt that Kind
of a man. The folks used to say-anJ
was powerful proud of it-that I warn't
no sloucher on grammer; but won't
you have some peanuts, Miss Mary ?"
and he wiped the cold perspiration from
his brow, and trembled with nervous
ness.
"None, thank you, Mr.. Weedles ;
peanuts have a strange effect on my
astronomical organs"
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Miss Mary, because you recollect before
you went off to school that I used to
bring you peanuts, and we used to sit
astraddle the garden fence and eat them.
Don't you remember how your old
mother used to say that new peanuts
were awful colicky? Them were happy
days, Miss Mary" and the humble lover
sighed as low as q note on a bass-fddle.
"Oh, Mr.. Weedlesl" she said, blush
ingly, "I want. to ask you something.
Did you not say on one occasion that ]
was possessed Of a moiety of the divine
a~faatus, and that you thought I was a
being entirely too seraphic and ethereal
to exist on this mundane sphere?"
"Miss Mary" said the lover, and his
eye flashed and breast heaved, "it's
a mean, underhand lie. I never said 9
word ag'in you in my life, and I'll just
be eternally goldmned if I can't just
naturally walk the log of any man who
tries to scandalize me behind my back.
I always said Miss Mary Jones was the
sweetest girl in the country, and"
But the curtain went up, and the rest
of the conversation was lost In the crash
of the orchestra.