Middletown transcript., 1881-05-06
Ghe gliddletolpn Granstript
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, MAY 6, 1881.
CHIPS.

K0OWll as the hdllOlle.-- OHheFS Utt'
zette.
Even in the next world Boston baked
bein's will be nearest the hub WiE
kins.
The toper's verison: "With all its
faults l love the still p Yonker'
Statesman.
If you want tobe well rid Of an i'm
pecunious friend lend him five dollars
-Yonkers Gazette.
Ice. cream contains trichin@. Every
young man should send a copy Of this
issue to his girl Wall Street Gazette,
Beecher says 1--WE pray too much. .
This explains why the average news
paper mans breeches always bag at the
kness.-Ptroleum World.
Time is money and money is time,
for when you give twenty-five cents to
a couple Of tramps, it is quarter to
two.-Salem Sunbeam.
In some instances man must yield the
palm Of superiority to woman. For
instance, man cannot wear straw
hat all winter. .-Sdlem Sunbedm.
Coffee county, Tenn, is being settled
up by immigrants from Massachusetts.
OF course they must find good grounds
upon which to settle Modern Aryo.
Jay Gould expects to buy gross or
two of railroads next week if the crop
doesn't freeze up with the Delaware
peaches.- Williamsport Breakfast Table.
When we issue a weekly edition of
the Times and no man takes exception
to anything in its columns, we consider
the issue a failure Whitehall Times.
A butcher who has killed cattle for
twenty years says there is no use trying
to make both ends meat you will
always have the hoofs and the horns.-
Rome Sentinel.
An exchange publishes an article
headed Chow to tell mad dog" We
have nothing to tell mad dog that we
cannot communicate by telephone or
postal card.-BiU Nye.
A chrome tourist had the temerity to
offer us ''Winter scene,'' yesterday.
The violets will bloom on the mound
that covers his careless remains. Geo.
". Garrett, an Keok,lk Gate Citu.
my mothers going to get a new
piano." said one Somerville little girl
to another few days ago. "Oh, that's
nothing" replied the other, "my moth
er's going to get a divorce. "-Somer-
uiIle Journal.
A magazine article asks: "Have
Women Intuitions ?" That depends.
If intuitions are fashionable this year,
and cost from ten to fifty dollars, it is
safe to wager that great many women
have them.-Norristo,C Herald.
A Chicago man gave his wife $500.
She had some old papers in her other
hand which she was going to put in the
stove. She made mistake and burned
up the bills. Moral-never give your
wives any mOney.-Syracuse Sunday
Times.
Country people pity the denizens of a
city who have to use lake or river
water, but when an Ohio farmer cleaned
out his well last week, he fished out
two cats, paint keg, two old brooms,
an old hat, boot and dozen shingles.
Detroit Free Press.
Said little Edith to her doll "There,
don't answer me back. You mustn't
be saucy, no matter how hateful am.
You must remember 1 am your mo-
ther p Strange, what curious ideas
children get into their heads some
times.-BostoR Transcript.
There is living in the city of Will
Transport man who formerly resided
in Cincinnatti, Ohio, and every time
they elect a senator out there he goes
to bed for week, and, on recovering.
asks his wife: 'Was 1 elected. my
dear ?''- WiIlianSp0rt Breakfast Table
Where would we be without
women ?'' asks an Ottumwa man. It
is hard to determine just which way
the majority would drift, but some
men we know of would be ont of debt
and out Of trouble, and a good many
more out in the seat of the breeches. =
Ot1uura Press.
1t is estimated that Whittaker'S ears
will cost the Government 100000 by |
the time the tiresome thing called a
court martial is ended. With this price
paid, the Government should certainly |
have a clear title to the ears, and they
should be placed in the national muse
um as West Point specimens Ne,o
Orleans Picdy,ule.
This man is a Philadelphian. What
a large hat he wears The hat is a sign
of brotheTly love. The Philadelphian
is happy See what broad smile ex-
pands his features. Why does the
Philadelphian thus relax his counte-
nance !? 1t is because New York can't
have any Worlds Fair. There are
many Philadelphians in this world
LouiSriHe Courier-.Jomndl.
Sophronia asks us ''if it is right for
a man who has been married less than
two years, to call his wife a red-headed
pelican, and to say she has no more
form than bed slat and no more in
tellect than boiled clam ?'' You
must excuse us from answering, Soph-
ronia, dear; we do not care to interfere
between man and wife, and besides,
the allegations may be well founded
SomerrilIe Journal.
A WAR RELIC.-In a very full re-
port recently published in the Phila-