The Worthington advance., 1881-09-15
TinE AGER.
:, Descriptions of,he Arkansas Kind.


From the Detroit Free Press " $.t:r;.
aspeakin' bout the Arkansaw agcr," ]" said
the man with the sandy goatee and squirt
whar you saw my heart strings, in case I've
rot any left to saw On. ".t.tis'9" a =.
aDid you ever live there?" = g.
3.Did r. Well reckon / sort o existed
In them parts goin' on thirteen years"
And you had the agus7"
"Had It! Why. wallered in IL. Gen
tlemsn gate on me-"
The crowd eazed. i
"When moved dowh into Arkansaw
from Tennessee, 'risin: Of sixteen yiafs ago.
/ was purty-I was for fact. had 4
dozen skule marms In love with me to
once, and hang me up il every girl in the
ball room wouldn't break her neck fur the
honor Of dancin' with me. Yes, I was purity
and was good. l was 80 purty that chill
dren cried for me. and 80 good that was
taken fur preacher on ulOre'n u hundred
occashuns. Whar has, my purity gone?
Whar is my goodhess7 why, I've got 10 be
the infernalist alligator in the whole swl mp
and I'm gfowih' meaher at the rate of a
mile day! Fact-solemn fact, and that
cohtankerotts agef Is TO blame for the hull
6f it. I've got d sdlint to MY eyes, my
nose has been driven back an inch; and
what teeth I've got left have to be, wedged
in every Sunday with pine pegs or ia
swallow 'em. Purty! Why. the sight of
my phiz down in st. Louis killed Texas
steel dead'rp door nail. and was tryin'
to l6ek hands0me at that
''You said you had the ag',e:"
''Said SO! Do you 'spose all the other
calamities in this hull kentry could have
busted me up this way? You bet I had 'er!
l struggled with 'er right along fur 'levcn
let me harrer your souls with few timely
remarks. Your Michigan aper is enss.
hopper, and one dose of ky-neen knocks 'er
dead. Out in 1llinoy the ager is bigger
about like the squirrel. In Missouri
she's about the size Of woodchuck, and
VIXEN she strikes down it1 Arkahsaw she's a
wolf three feet high; seven feet long, and
built to take hold like d thousand buzz saws.
Great slams! but what ttssels I've had with
that ere critter! Say, did ye ever ride in a
one-hoss wag1n' over stone quarry? Was
ye ever seated on the top rail of fence
when hurricane moved it at the rate of
six miles minute? Did ye ever have a
cyclone pick ye up and mop We over forty
acres OF river bottom. wollop ye through
ten acres of woods an use ye for tool 10
knock down hundred acres of cane brake?
Well, that haint the ager-not the Arken-
saw kind; it's only the fust faint prelimi-
naries."
He stopped to relight his cigar and then
continued:
II hain't long to live, and don't keer to
stretch this thing any. Tellin' the truth
has alIus bin my pint. and allus will be.
Maybe yell git some idea Of the Arkansaw
ager when tell ye that I once unlimited
both shoulders III shakin', and it was a
light shake at that. When had on one of
MY reg'lat double back action shakes I
could jar jug of whiskey out 0. the crotch
of tree twenty eight rods off: Nobody
dust pile up cord wood within half mile
Of my cabin, and that's solemn fact. l
devoured ky-neen just rs you eat corn
beef, and my hull system finally got 40 bit.
ter that dog who smelt Of my leg couldn't
git the pucker out of his mouth inside of
ten days. Gentlemen, do not wish to
prolong this agony. My failn' is CAB. Fust
know I'll jump the ager and begin on Ar
kansas skeeters, and when / got thar I'd
harrer yer souls till ye couldn't sleep fur
two weeks. We will now have some ticker
and will then seek few needed reposes. I"