The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-08-13

She married him TO square the account, and
then for 500 got a divorce. thus saving $3.50.
Mary had little bunch
or silk with feathers on IL,
And though 1t weighed but haitian ounce
Twas an $50 bonnet.
"My search has been fruitle,s," as the boy
remarked on returning from an unsuccessful
''cooning" expedition after watermelons
There Is vas. difference between being struck
by the appearance OF person and being struck
by the person himself.
Young ladies and elephants attain their growth
at eighteen. But here the analogy ceases. One
trunk is enough for an elephat.
A laborer in Russia gets eight cents day and
finds hlmself-generally mighty hungry.
A st. Louis cat got sunstruck the other day.
Cats are always getting struck with something.
II Is nearly as safe to be the Gar Of Russia as
oat.-NorristOtea Herald.
young lad OF Providence hanged himself az
ter reading dime novel. The Boston Post asks
''what would he have done after reading Chi.
cago papcrg" Wretch?
Says Smith to Jones: 81 saw the comet the
other day at noon; what do you think OF thatY'
al think" said Jones, that you are blamed
liar" Just 50.
II a man is really truthful and doesn't mind
telling lie, we don't see why the bazes he
wants to 70 fishing. -BoSton Post.
There are l0OO 900 commercial drummers in the
United Sta'es--thc largest brass band In the
wOrld.-b,re Press.
g. s. Cox was at TrondhJem, Norway on the
2ith ult., and was on his way further north IL
a hat ha Ia fr,vtn 70 G.,I
where they won't call him "Sunset. IT, Boston
Post.
"Chinesc BARRIERS shave without lather.n This
reminds us that our schoolmaster used to lather
without shaving One is said to be as painful an
operation as the Characterization Herald.
An Iowa husband on going home found his
wife carouslng with four men, He adroitly got
the five offenders into five separate rooms, locked
the doors, and then thrashed them soundly, one
by one.
A dying thief was compassionately released
from the Rhode Island State Prison, and sent to
pass h 8 remaining days at home In Providence i
but before his death he crawled out and robbed
seven houses.
A New York girl has a case In which she dis.
plays rings received from her captlvcs In matri.
monal engagements. Detroit free Press.
young man." said he solcmnly, ~ am sorry
to see you smoking tobacco" and the young
man assured him that he wasn't-that it was al
cheap cigar.
The Norristown HerdM gives among Its
editorials this bit of fashion; "a new style Of
calico Is know rs Llmberger.' Ladies vote 1t
Just the cheese but We don't know how many
scents it costs yard"
Standing jokes are common enough but no.
body ever hears OF sitting ones.-Lo,NH Courier.
What OF the young man who sat down on his |
sweethcarts new bonnet and sang, "I'm sitting
on the STYLE MsryT-SohnerSaieJ Journal.
The latest advices from the Sandwich Islands
report that the lava thrown from Mauna Loa Is
likely to destroy portion OF the town and har-
Dor OF Eilo That Is bad for Hilo, but II Is hoped
that Jack and the game" may be saved
Norristown Herald.
A farmer says there will be chinch bugs AZ long
"a they raise wheat and millet. The farmer
ought TO know that II they raise wheat they will
certainly mill It'll. State Register.
The San Antonio people complain OF little fish.
es In the water mains. They can't expect the
water works company to furnish them with
whales l2O feet long for dollar "A month. Texas
SiFings.
I
nies-is FOR young lady to have her hand photo.
graphed aud send 1t to her best youHg man This
signifies: " Twas mine, It's yours" etc. IfIt
this isn't utter" then we are quite too.'--Netc
Havcn Register.
People should avoid, as far AS possible, being
run over by railroad cars. An empty platform
car weighs Is, 900 pounds; an empty box car, 20,
600 pounds; passenger car, SO, 900 pounds, and
sometimes more; and an average locomotive,
80, 600 pounds. A single pair OF car wheels
weighs 800 pounds.-N. Y. SIM.
Here is a conundrum of ancient adaptation,
but modern originality: WHAT letter In the al.
phabet recalls to mind certain Roman yiolinist,
ana WHY tfou give II up, OF course) NJ, be. ,
cause it's near o. Bursts OF admiration will
please take place at distance. )-IH State Regis
ter.
A Texas horror: "a duel was lately fought in
Texas by Alexander shott and John s. Mott d
Mott was shot and Shott was not. In this case 1t =,
was better to be Shott than Mott. There was ru. !
NOR that Shot was not shot, but Shott ayows
that he shot Mott, which proves that the sho, :
shott shot at Mott was not shot or that Mott was
shot notwithstanding. Whether or not shottl
shot Mott II matters not" i
1t was our firm Intention u
The maiden TO have kissed, C
But Tor the intervention H.
or her big brothers 80
Detroit Free Press: The sweet singer Of Mich.
igaD" is In Arizona, else we would not dare TO
publish the opening verse OF poem found inl u
our yesterdays mail. dedicated to the comet now,
Keeling away from us with tail In air: d
"Hdle bawl Of liqnidescent fire, ii
That like an egcl darts through space,
lou keep Mountin hire and hire
And hire and hire with quenely grace. &
Art like this earth peopled world, n
With natives SIGH "a we are hearY
Oh, no, II cannot be: sich whirl Jl
Would make then die OF trembly skeer." a
Behold the poor dogs imprisoned on Taylors f
slahd, Niagara Falls, and unable 10 get of un. v
iised. Many schemes have been suggested for u
elieving the prisoners, and on Wednesday a :,
lind hearted actor thought he had perfected anl