The Red Cloud chief., 1881-06-02
Ear.Brclthiry Blrbers.

-
We do no, put halt enough confidence
in nature. She has shown us in n
thousand wars that she can be trusted.
When anything new Is necded-sueh ~
n new Kind OF bug 10 devour potatoes.
or a new and deadly animalcule tn tu-
fest pork-she produces IT, And yet
when VIC perceive that there IL an I'm
mediate want of something. our first
impulse is 10 try TO supply il ourselves.
instead of leaving the matter in the
hands Of nature. This timorous want
OF confidence is unworthy of intelligent
people, and deserves TO be severely re-
buked. IL has recently been signally
rebuked bS nature herself. who. while
we were striving vainly 10 find a remedy
for BARRIERS, has quietly produced \ new
type of barber that j. all that man could
desire.
Plans without number have been sug-
gested with \ view & checking the bar
ber's conversation and preventing him
from even abiding to tonic. The num-
her OF patents which have been obtained
for BARRIERS muzzles would astonish any
one who is not familiar with the records
Of the Patent Office. None of these
muzzies has been thoroughly ucceSs
full. The first difficulty in the way Of
the use Of n muZzle is that no barber
will Willingly pat on. lie stand,
on his rights as a citizen. aud claims
that free unmuZzlcd speech is II priyi-
leye expressly secured tn him by the
Constitution. There might. it is true.
he something accomplished if the Leg
islaturc would pass \ law making IL
penal for N unmgzzled barber TO ply
his trade, but il would be- almost impos-
sible to induce any Legislature Ia pass a
measur SO purely philanthropic and
SO entirely devoid o! any pecuniary
profit TO the legislators. Moreover. in
the few instances in which muzlieS
have been either peaceably or forcibly
placed on BARRIERS it has been found
that they did not prevent the barber
from making sounds intended for con
versation aud quite As maddeainy. The
only way i'll which 10 ecu his com
plete silence is 10 Ise = muEzlc that her
medically seals his mouth and nose.
Such 4 muZzlc vas tried i'll Chicago
some years ago. and with complete
success. so far rs reducing the barber
to silence was concerned. The trouble
with it was that the barber died Of suf-
location FIVE minutes after the muZzle
was applied. and IN ~mprinciplcd Coro-
ner coutrived 10 make the incident the
occasion of much annoyance to the in
ventor Of the muzzlc.
But what man has failed TO do nature
has Just done. In the town Of Altoona,
Pa, there has appeared a new and inn
proved type of barber. This admirable
person brcathes through his Ears.
There appears to be a small passage in
each ear. passing on one side Of the
tympanum and connecting the throat
with the outside air. Through this
passage the new barber y breathe
with perfect ease, while his hearing
does not seem to be anv less acute than
that Of the usual sort of barber. He is
said to be very proud Of the peculiarly
which makes him ~ differ from other
BARRIERS, and Is in the habit of permit
ting his customers to place 4 plaster
over his mouth aud a monkey wrecch
on his nose in order To prove that he
can breathe with both nose AMI mouth
closed. Of course. he canno talk
through his ears, for il he could he
would be utterly useless. He cannO
even make the slightest sound by way
of his ears, and when his mouth and
nose are closed he is as silent rs the
grave.
This is the kind of barber for which
we have vainly lOnged. That such a
barber should finally have appeared
may seem to many people To be only a
beautiful dream. but it is, nevertheless,
.r1,nIsI r..ltr tIn hus ha.n Ia
yelOpcd by natur in order to meet a
great want. We cannot show too much
gratitude for this magnificent boon. and
we should never again manifest the
slightest want of confidence in bcnefi-
cent nature.
OF course. the Altoona barber is only
the first specimen of the new species of
silent BARRIERS. Others will appear in
other places, and the day will come
when. in accordance with the rule of
the survival of the tittc,t. the Altoona
variety of barber will be the only varic-
ty known. In the meantime this happy
contamination can be hEtenci by the
conversion of orr present BARRIERS into
ear-brea,hing BARRIERS. There is no
doubt that a skillful surgeon could,
with the aid of a pair of small silver
tubes, connect the outer ear Of any
barber with his throat. IL il were To
be pointed out TO our BARRIERS that I'M
less they submit to this operation they
will soon have no customers, and will
find the ear breathing BARRIERS enjoying
n monopoly of business, they would
doubtless readily put themselves under
the hands of the surgeon. and If in a
few instances the operation should
happen to prove fatal it is Improbable
that anv blame would be attached TO
the surgeons.
How much more beautiful does this.
world seem since the advent Of the
Altoona barber. He brings with him
the hope of the emancipation OF man.
kind from tonsorial conversation. the
hope Of the near and total disappear
ance of tonic. Hail! silent, ~yo;celess
Sbayort H,il'-N y Times.