Connecticut western news., 1881-01-19
WIT AND WISDOM.

IF you should be asked when cat is like teapot, you might reply, "When your teasin' 1t.
 OLD Nickelpinch says he has often seen men buck the tiger, but for his part he would rather buckwheat cakes.
 A GERMAN lately married says: "Id vas yoost so easy as needle cood walk out init cameps eye asfto get der behindt word init vomans."
 AN ancient sage once said: "The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold and the goodness of men by women."
 LET'S go hunting to-day. Impos- sible was married only yesterday" "When will you go ?" "When I am less in love-" "WhenP" "In fort night"
 THE world is like skating park nice when you can glide smoothly over its surface, but cruel and cold to sit down on when you get your feet knocked from under you.
 WE ask sympathy for John w. Cobb. Being in jail, he worked eighty-four days to dig out, and then rose up in the sheriff's bedroom, in front of a tickled audience of dozen persons.
 THEODORE PARKERs rule for married happiness was that the wife and hus- band should overlook each others faults. This, however, would not work in Utah, where mans shortcomings
 increase with every new wife.
 IT is perfectly proper to speak of
 mans magnificent dome of thought or
 his Websterian brow, but when you
 speak of red-headed gentleman as the
 man with the gilded dome, ten chances
 to one he will not feel fiattered.
 PROFESSOR" said the student in
 pursuit of knowledge concerning the
 habits of animals, "why does cat
 while eating turn her head first one way
 and then another?" "For the reason"
 replied the professor, (" that she cannot
 turn 1t both wa ys at once."
 "I THINK" said fond mother, "that
 little Jimmy is going to be poet when
 he grows up. He doesn't eat, and sits
 all day by the stove and thinks, and thinks" "You had better grease him
 all over," said her husband. "He's going to have the measles. That's what ails him."
 A LECTURER was once in dilemma which he will probably never forget. While talking about art, he ventured the assertion, "Art can never improve nature" At that moment some one in the audience cried out in @ gruff voice: "Cant eh? We'll, then, how do you think you would look without your wig?" , THE poor lrishman may have nothing 3 to eat, but he cant help showing his I homor. As funeral passed the corner one said to his fellow: "Well, Pat, F there's another man taking his after
 noon ride." Pat pulled his slouched
 hat over his eyes, and replied: True
 for you, but nobody begrudges him his
 good luck"
 A P1EAsANT-LooKINa gentleman
 stepped out on the platform of an ele- vated railroad car the other morning, and inhaling the fresh air, enthusias- , tically observed to the brakeman, "Isnt v this invigorating ?" "No, sir; it is Harlem" said the conscientious em- ployee. The pleasant-looking gentle E man retired.
 AT THE supper ta ble at 0 Western F hotel few days since young man l asked somebody to "please pass the milk" as he desired to put some in his 5 cup of coffee. As there was no milk he turned to the waiter and said T wish you would drive in the COW; want F some milk" The response of the waiter . was Wouldn't it be better for me to l drive the calf out ?'
 g A COMMERCIAL, traveller from Boston . having had run of hard luck in prose-
 cutting business on the road received s from his firm the following exhilarating I dispatch eff you can't make expenses, l come home at once." To which he sent : the following reply "All right; can 0 make plenty of expenses, but no sales. s Will follow your implication and make an effort to increase expenses" : A SHOP was br oken into one night, but strange to say, nothing Was carried off. The proprietor was making his boast of it, at the same time expressing
 his surprise at losing nothing. "Noth-
 ing at all surprising" said his neighbor;
 "the robbers lighted lamp, didn't
 they ?" "Yes," was the reply. "Well," :"
 continued the neighbor, " they found your goods marked up so high they : couldn't afford to take them" , A quick answer is like the sharp . cut of whip. "You are no gentle
 man, sir" s:id an irate individual to the person next to him. "Are you gen. f tleman yourself ?" was the sneering in- quiry. CT am, sir," was the reply, in tone that implied a duel if any doubt was expressed. "Then you are quite r right in saying that I am not one, ," re- f torted the party of the second part,
 "neither do wish to become one." : FRETrINa JENNIE. . Little Jennie fretful, sitting in & tree, 3 Worried at the buzzing of bumble-bee, Said she had headache wished it would be
 still,
 Knew it buzzed on purpose to defy her will. Buzzing bee was happy, busy at its work, r Gathering stores of honey-never thought to n shirk.