Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1881-02-10
HUnoIs OF THE DAY.

TEE fatted calf was killed that for
giving father might reveal his feelings
toward prodigal son.
He put in his thumb and pulled out
plum, and what mean thief was he!-
Elnaira Advertiser.
A GOOD thing to keep in the house--a
big dog. Will our next-door neighbor,
who owns one, take the hint?-Boston
Post.
sDELIaHTFUL wine, this, isn't it? Is
there anything in the world better than
a glass OF good wine ?" Yes, there is
IA bottle.
REJECTED lovers need never despair.
There are four and twenty hours in a
day. and not o moment in the twenty
four in which woman may not change
her mind.
WHEN the masculine individual gets
into trouble there is usually woman at
the bottom of it. This is what the
small boy thought when his mother
spanked him.
A NEW paper has been started in Paris
called the idiot. It is expected TO break
up the habit local reporters have of
using the word 1--WE. "--NsW Orleans
Picaylne.
A YOUNG man at nlion, N. Y, killed
himself on &C count of his impaired di-
gestion. He wanted to show the public
that he could DIGEST as well as anybody.
-aSt. Louis Post-Dispatch.
AN idiotic New Yorker wagered that
he could put bullet through the hat of
sleeping bar-keeper. He did SO, and
the head was inside Of the hat, and the
bullet inside the head.
The Toronto Mail tells of an Irish
man visiting Niagara Falls who failed to
see anything wonderful there. There
was nothing, he thought. to hinder the
water from tumbling over the precipice.
A PHILADELPHIA miser wanting dog
to guard his property, selected bob
tailed one, his theory being that the ex-
ertion Of wagging long tail would in
crease the dogs appetite. --Phitadet0hfa
Net0s.
A South END man shook a handker-
chief full of peanut shucks out of WIN
dow, and a gal across the way took it for
handkerchief Irritation proposal, and
has sued him for breach of promise
Man is nowhere safe. Boston Post.
A SLY Philadelphia girl having lover
she was afraid wouldn't stick, covered
her lips with glue and invited him to kiss
her. Owing to the fact that she had
previously posted her father when to
pounce into the parlor, the plan worked
admirably.
AFTER q clergyman has taken a free
bottle of tonic, felt better, and written
out his certificate to the curative quail
ties of the medicine for publication, it
makes him unhappy to have doctor
come along and pronounce the stuff gin
bitters, and bad at that. orleans
Picayu'ae.
"NEyER whine about the law being
wrong" says the Pittsburg Telegraph,
'sbut use your best endeayors to have it
made right" This advice, we dare say,
is to the gentlemen in State Prison. III
mira Free Press. No, to Congressman;
but you guess pretty close. -Pittsbwg
Telegraph.
"WERE any minutes taken at your
meetings?" inquired Mr.. Hickman Moles-
worth, barrister, Belfast (yic.), of a
member of a school committee AGAINST
whom the teacher had brought an action
for illegal dismissal. '.Afinutes ?" ex-
claimed the witness. cit wasn't min
utes we tux; we war hours at it.
"OH, DEAR" exclaimed young lady,
entering public hall, .'what dreadful
odor of carburated hydrogen Mum p
said the janitor, WITH a puzzled coun-
tenance. sThe smell of the carburetted
hydrogen, she exclaimed. ''ThAt's no
kind of gin, num- replied the janitor;
'fhat's garse; the pipes is leaky, mum. =
AN architect who built ew city hail
for Western town made boteh of it
and fled to Canada, as he left word with
his friends, ito remain until the affair
should blow over. Next day high
wind struck the town, and his friends
teleglaphed him: 'sCome back. The
whole shebang was blown over last
night"
WE had to avoid meeting our enemy
yesterday We had o friend with us
who would grab our coat-tails and hold
us back as we started to annihilate the
wretch, but there was nobody there to
restrain him, and it would have been
very embarrassing for him. So, out OF
consideration for his feelings, we avoided
him. Boston Post