The Louisiana Democrat. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1845-1918, 1881-05-18
OFF . HAND TALKS.
BY SLIM jim.

II rpay be wrong but have decided l
never to throw my number Mines lnside
n church portal again.
Never!
And I mean business.
If can't hear a preacher expound Z
the gospel once every six months with
out having saucer showed under my
nose, then will stay at home and cuss
the cat.
That's pastlme of mine, cussin' the
cat.
You don't often see such cats rs mine.
Che knows more deyilment than q six
seen-year-old girl.
NV cat Is black cat.
Black cats are meancst when they
try. Mine tries.
She has way of watching for ME to
ait down. Then she humps her old
spine, tune up her purr, which IS a
cross between coffee mill with the In
fluenza and buzz saw, and then be-
gins to rub up against my legs.
Which produces in me big disgust.
NV legs were never made for itching
posts of black cats.
And then get lighting mad and cuss.
always cuss when get mad, it's
weakness of mine.
The madden l get the harder cuss.
But Pm not going to church any more
You can put that down.
1 put down carpet the other night
At least / got the skin rubbed oil my
knuckles, mashed all my fingers, turn
cd over the bureau, sat down on the
lacks, and otherwise put it down, but
my wife got all the credit.
It's u way she has.
But she's a good wife.
She looks after my interest so we'll
She can 90 to town with one dollar Of
NV hard-earned money and bring back
ten dollars worth of goods.
She has the other nine dollars charg
ed to me.
If didn't expostulate somewha
sternly she'd buy out the whole Stat
and have it charged.
I owe now, on her account, some
thing less than eight thousand dollars
But am abundantly able to owe II
And more too.
Yet Pm never going to church again
that is, If [ can survive the jimjams an
mumps.
] had the mumps once.
shall never banker after them agaiI
had them on both sides at the SAN
time-which was economy upon II
part of the mumps.
sincerely deprecate any such eco'
omy.
You can get tireder of mumps In sho
ter time than anything know OF, e.
cept abject poverty.
/ always yield the palm to AFFECT pc
erty. 1t takes the cake.
Though 1 will never 60 to chnr'
sgain.
The church is degenerating. Lo'
time ago you could 60 to church al
listen to sermon without being wo
up every five minutes by fellow W
pokes hat under your nose and DO
you for contribution.
Now it's different.
It's like riding on 4 train with CO
ductor coming around at every staff
yelling "tickets."
don't like it.
And | won't submit to 1t.
There is also u baby in the house
It's female baby.
Let me advise you rs friend to
WAYS have female baby in the hou
For u good, healthy, squalling ba
I've got the boss.
don't say this because it's my ba
I'm not vain If | am rich.
Some people are vain yet not rich
have known people who were
eeedingly vain who were absolnt
poor.
But it never helped them any.
It never helped me. With all
poverty I'm never ashamed to go
into the back yard and split up enot
wood for cold night.
But that's no reason why | sho
like to do these things.
Yet Pm never going to church az
unless they reform very mbch befc
hand.
NY baby has the whooping cougf
And rising in her head.
And new :ooth.
And symptoms Of Group.
And an elegant pair of lungs.
Ifanybody doubts these assertions
willing to swear to them.
Or they can nurse the baby TO
spell.
short while.
In the meanwhile l will keep u
from church.
shall read Talmage's dime serm
and become Il christian without b.
ble,l to death by church sharks.
/ hear the baby.
,t's my night TO nurse, and the ra
nal duty In my almanac is ii pro
tscha.ss OF dniT-
Sy-a-baay, hs-a -