The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1881-05-26


dyke, as he drew writing matters ls to-
ward him; chow wan: your woman s
wit. These fellows insist that l must re-
spond to the toast, Woman tomorrow
| night, and must prepare few remarks.
II we both go at it, we'll get up some
thing NICE"
"What you want" argued Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, entering into the spirit of the
undertaking and tapping her teeth with
her thimble; "what you want is woman
in her various phases"
"What I want is speech" retorted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. ''They haven't put
me down for panorama. I want d short
address, full of good points and pleasant
things about the ladies'. Now, l shall
begin, Fellow, citizens"
"But women amt fellow-citizens. I
should say"
You'd say, fellow back hair that's
what you'd say. I'm addressing the
people, and they're ali men; don't you
see? I've got to commence somewhere,
and then go on. Now, 'Fellow-citizens,
regarding women, our origin, our COM
panions, our posterity, our mothers, our
wives, and our daughters, what more
can we say than that they give US life,
make it happy and soothe its decline p
How's that ?"
SIS that the same woman - asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke, bending over the table.
st don't strike me that she would care
to have it put in that way. Why not
say: Fellow citizens, we are assem-
Whats the matter with you?" de-
manded Mr.. Spoopendyke. 1--WE got to
open with q sentiment, and you can't
| find anything more graceful than that
Then will go on: She rises in the era
die, reaches her meridian at the altar,
aud goes down in a flood of dew at the
grave Can you grasp that?"
II don't like that as we'll as the other
demonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke. You
make her mother while she's baby !;
and as for the grave part, You don't
stoop to think that she may be another
meridian by getting married again. 1
would say something like this: Fellow
citizens, we are assem-"
mo, 1 won't either. Who's going to
get married again? Can't you see that
I'm only carrying out the first idea Of
origin, companionship, and posterity !?
Rising in the cradle means giving us
birth. Now you hold up. Suppose L
say next: We revere her as Il mother,
adore her as a wife, and - say, what
do we do for her as daughter
"Well. you might say, We dress her,
and educate her, and keep an eye on her,
nd-and-and-"
"Spank her. Dod.gast it, Why don't
you say spank her?" howled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. Cant you think of something
poetical?" I've got that we revere our
mothers and adore our wives, and want
something for the daughter; can't you
originate something's"
I'VE provide home for her.
Wouldn't-"
Eyes, of course" raved Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. That's the idea! That fixes it!
All you want now is two prolonged
laughters,' four continued applauses,
one enthusiasm, and voice to be an
grafton! Fellow citizens, we furnish her
with poached eggs and beans Fellow
citizens, we revere her as mother, we
adore her as wife, and as daughter, We
change the sheets once week! Fellow
citizens, we pass her the gravy Fellow
citizensr" yelled MIR. Spoopendyke, GEES
ticulating like u horse-chestnut tree.
Fellow citizens, if she wants her beef
rare, we give it to her! Fellow-citizens,
we give her all the d-gasted butter she
can paste on her bread! Is that what
you want me to say? Expect I'm going
to stand around and make Il measly ass of
myself? 'Fellow-citizens, as mother we
revere her! Fellow-citizens, as wife We
adore her! Fellow-citizens, to help a
man get up a speech she's the dod-
slamdest donkey that ever raised fam
lily! Wah-h-h-h," shrieked Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, purple in the face, "got any
more suggestions? Know any more elo-
quence?" and the worthy gentleman
leaned back in his chair speechless.
Couldn't you leave her out alto
gether?" recommended Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. Cant you just revere her as
mother and adore her rs wife? AS for
the daughter, You might pass it over
with saying: 'Fellow-citizens, we are
assem-"
Eyes. or 1 can cut her throat" pro-
claimed Mr.. Spoopendyke. Il can take
her to the pound! l can salt her down
for winter usel Dod-gast the speech!'
and Mr.. Spoopendyke danced on the
fragments of the notes. Tomorrow
night I'll answer that toast 10y telling
what dod -gasted old mule you'd make
of any man that would listen to you,
and Mr.. Spoopendyke banged himself
into the bed like beer-spiggot, and went
to sleep.
WELL" thought Mrs. Spoopendyke,
a., Oh, took 1nxvp bar hair and mt IL nm