The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-09-22
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
A BASE INSULT: It does not always do
to credit people with over-sensitivehess.
The other day one Of our rising young
pianists' was giving his opinion Of the
vulgarity and meanness displayed by our
goldfish aristocracy. Why" SAID he,
" for instance, not long ago was invited
Fullbags, on Nobb Hill. Of course /
played good deal to entertain the com.
pany, and when left old b., as he shook
dons doss soa sgp1a eS my HaSa the wSny Ssy
skinned old hogl" said the audience, IN
dignantly. "What did you dor"
"Why, you just bet got even with him.
haughtlly threw the money on the floor
and left, after first exchanging the coin
for counterfeit twenty l happened to
have in my pocket just then-don't you
scc2" "Capital idea that served the old
vulgarian right" eyes 1T was huge
idea, but the trouble was that his twenty
tnrned out to be counterfeit, too."
WE did suppose that Buffalo Bill was
the typical hero of tho border; but ac-
cording to vcraclous exchange, "Buck-
shot Bill'' takes the cake. He speaks
twenty-five Indian tongues; once saw
eleven of his comrades burned alive by
the Comanches signed with his blood,
before magistrate, VOW to have the
scalp Of eleven Indians who killed his
brother and stole his diamond pin pur-
sued these Indians with one comrade and
killed six, and now has III scalpa hang
ing in the Smithsonian Institution in
Washington, which were taken by his own
hands." Buckshot Bill is scout.
The gentleman who is taking tho school
census called at house aud was mot at
the door by the lady of the house, who
asked HIM what he wanted. lie said he
was going around taking the census.
What's that Some book you want TO
sell 1"E she asked. Il am ascertainlng tho
number of children old enough to 60 to
school that people have" replied the man
with the book and pencil. swell, you
want to 60 away right off. You are
humping tho wrong watermelon. You
arc whistling the wrong dog, you be. Wo
don't belong to the people at all. We be-
long to the upper class. hly husband is
All Office holder" He went.
A You've fellow, who had been IN Paris
for year studying medicine, was visited
by his father. Like dutlful son he
paradcd his patcrnal conscientiousIy
through tho city. and points out its archi-
tectural lions. Finally they halt before a
many -pillarcd building. "What is that
lordly pile2" asks tho old man. "Idon't
know" replies tho youth "but there is
sergeant dc villc,"-They cross over,
and put the question: "That, gentle
men says the official, "is the Me: ical
School,"
DooroR, what can l do to get rid of
my bilionsness asked an lnebrate of
plain spoken doctor.
"Quit drinking beer and whiskcy.'
But if ] quit I'll collapse right off,
won't IL"
"Certainly."
1T don't seem to me that it makes
much difference, then. If keep Oh IN
be bilious as long as l live, and if | quit
III be bilious until 1 die. If that isn't q
bilious outlook, I'll give it up"
AN Austin man who has All orchard, re
Gently brought large basket OF plums to
town and distributed them among his
friends. a gentleman who tried one and
had his mouth puckcrcd up in consequence
Of their sourness said: elf you keep on
giving everybody those sour plums you
will not have friend left" "That'a
where you are fooIing yourself. Those
plums arc drawing my friends closer to-
gether than ever"
REoENTIY clergyman was rescued from
a watcry grave by boatman. After
hauling HIM ashore his rcscuer severely
reproachcd him for not making some ef-
fort to save himself.
81 put my trust In the Lord" dously
explained the humid evangelist.
"Well, didn't" returned the boatman,
" for the Lord evidently intended to
drown you"
AN Irish lawyer, when in the midst of a
trial addressed the Court as Gentlemen"
instead of Your Honors" He was re-
minded of his mistake by the opposing
counsel and made an ample and public
apology. He said: "May it please
Your Honors, I am told that III tho heat
OF cxtcmpore speech I had the presump-
tion.to call Your Honors gentlemen. I de-
sire now to apologize for so serious mis-
take"
A SKA captain was brought before a
justice in Marseiles and merciess)y at,
tackled by Lis opponents lawyer. When
at length he was suffered to speak, he
said. " Your honor I ask delay of one
week in the proceedings, so that may
End big enough liar to answer that
man." His request was granted.
"WEII, my boy" asked a gentleman
OF little eight ycar-old boy. "what are
you crying for" "Cause cant find nv
dad told the old fool if he went of
too far he'd !ossc mo-" was the tilial
reply.
LADY.-"They tell me your COW never
gives any milk. Betty" Old Betty
:" No, mum, she don't give hardly any.
But bless 'er cart, she'll cat as much as
two O them good milkersi"
BE PREolsE. When you say that
rrJt1 10 1,D;, ;n 1,i~