Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1881-10-12
AWFULLY FUNNY.
AMERICAN NEWSPAPER WIT AND HUMoR

Zobras are very stylish they wea
striped stockings up to their neck.
The man who was lost in slumbe
probably found bis way out on night
maze
Everything has to pay up sometime
even the little chickens have to shel
out.
When a dog howls at night it is thO
sign oi death. 1t is, if we get at th,
brute.
1t seems odd that they have novel
called one of the Reading steamers the
Pensycoaler.
Blest be the tic that won't work
around under ones left ear.
"How did you find your uncle
Johnny ?" "ln applc.plo order" GLOW
is that2" "Crusiy."
Dean Stanley was a true genius. II
took four men and boy to make out
his handwriting.
No woman should borrow the hus,
OF another; because it is not good for
man TO be q loan.
Why are people who stutter not to
be relied upouY Because they are
always breaking their word.
Why does "baby boy always re,
ceive hearty welcome in a family,
Because il never comes amiss.
Why does woman care who wrote
the declaration that made us free, so
long as she can get a hustle for fifty
cents.
The Norristown Herald says that
"thc only good Indians in this country
are those standing in front of cigar
stores"
A Boston artists credited with having
painted an orangopeel on the sidewalk
so naturally that six fat men slipped
down on it,
In proof OF the assertion that cattle
will stray into strange places, we may
say that we have seen COW hide in
a shoemakers shop.
The Washington Critic says the storm
that took the roofs off the houses in
that city didn't take off the mortgages
by any means.
"Help from an unexpected quarter"
as the tramp remarked when twenty.
five cent piece was handed him by the
'lady of the house"
We are told that the ancient Egyp.
tians honored a cat when dead. The
ancient Egyptians knew when cat
was the most to be honored
A man who had tried nearly every.
thing and failed became a shoemaker
and prospered. He said he was bound
to be successful at the last.
Another well.planned attempt to
take the lle of the Car has just been
frustrated. An American cucumber
was found in his morning meal.
We are told "the evening wore on"
but we are not told what the evening
wore on that particular occasion. Was
it the close Of Summers day
DR.. Patterson, of Scotland, has dis.
covered that frogs and toads will fight.
Well, let EN- fight. We'd rather see
them fight than hear them sing.
1t was a funny little boy who, when
he saw a dairyman feeding his COWS
salt, said he thought they didn't salt
the butter till after it was churned.
A exchange thinks that the funniest
thing concerning picnic is thinking
about it before you start. The next
funniest thing is congratulating your.
self when it is over.
A man can dive a hog four miles
along q country road with broken.
down fences, and keep his temper; (;
but when it comes toputting on a pair
of kid gloves that's too much.
The man who doesn't get as mad
and run as fast to get his COW out OF
bis nelghbor's corn field as he does to
get his neighbors COW out of his own,
hasn't got the answer to the golden
rule.
In one of his verses, Oscar Wilde,
the aesthetic poet, alludes to "the bar.
ren memory unkissed kisses Asun.
kissed kiss probably is the barrenest
thing within the range of human ex.
perience,
An elderly resident of Newton was
approached byanagent for cyclopedia.
81 guess | won't get one, said the
elderly citizen, and frankly added, ~
know never could learn to ride one
OF the pesky things"
| While preaching from the text "Ho
giveth His beloved sleep" q Toledo
minister stopped in the middle Of his
sermon, "Brethren, It is hard TO realize
the wondrous, unbounded love the Lord
appears to have for the good portion
OF this congregation
Adolphus' courage was up. Falling
Son his knees he cried "Angelna
dearest, make me the happiest OF men
by accepting my heart and hand.
Casting one look at the large paw An.
! gelna thrilled in every fibre as she re.
! piled sweetly 80, Adolphus, this is
more than | expected.
A small boy could not understand
why tho "leaves' Of tables should be
so called, seeing that they did not
resemble any leaves with which he
was familiar. At last he found it ont
"I know |" he cried "Thoy are called
leaves because you can leave them up
or you can leave them down.
"Don't waste your time in clipping of
the branches" said tho woodman tC
his son, "but lay your AK at the rooi
of the tree" And the young mar
; went out and laid his AK at the root oI
, the tree, like good and dutiful boy
and then went fishing. Truly, there
is nothing so beautiful as flial obedi
! ence.
! Dr. Gunthor says there are sever
thousand species Of fish known TO mel
of science. When o man sits on tn,
3 river bank half a day watchinga corl
\ idly floating on the stream, and come
{ home with a sunburned nose and no
4 q single specimen of these seven thou
. sand species, he is inclined to think tina
Z DR.. Gunther Is patent medicine adver
I tisement.
! A bit of conversation overheard il
tho English Crystal Palace Them
the crockindles you've read about II
J. Egypt" said tho sire to his little sol
}, athirstior science. "And what's them ?
T. asked the son, pointing to smalle
specimens in the same group. ooh
them's the crockindiles' kittens" wa
: : the fathers's authoritative reply.
When a poor lrishman lay on hi
dcath.bed one of bis friends came in 4
: express his sympathy. lie took th
. poor mans hand and said, with eviden
! emotion, "Pat, my boy, we must aH o
, US die once" The sick man turne
over in n disgnsted franc of mind an