The Portland daily press., 1881-04-23
one can't smell with a ,a,escope. and one

No, you can't smell with it, Adams"
~tne mistress answered. "Bless me-" she
added, before this piece of information was
we'll off her lips, ''two glasses of sheery, one
after another, without taking breath be-
tween, don't quite like the look of that,
Adams"
'He is such very thin gentleman"
might take up the defense without vexing
her mistress.
81 suppose they do take more building up
Adams" the mistress remarked, still gazing.
I'm sure they lido, ma'am," Adams repl-
ed, fervently. ''There's my father, ma am,
thin as that paper knife, Jam, and the
quantity of beer he takes to keep himgelf up
you would mt believe. It's quite ruin, ma am,
that it is. Pm sure, ma'am, nothing Mr..
Arrowsmith does can be wrong, ma'am, af-
ter them sermons"
'Quite right, Adams" replied the mis-
tress. "Order the brewer to leave nine
gallon cask at your fathers house to-mor-
row."
THANK you ma'am,'' Adams answered.
But as was sain', what dear good man
that Mr.. Arrowsmith is
"He is just cutting into his cheeser' called
out Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet. "The very
cheese sent for on tuesday,
Thus things went on until the rector's
dinner was over, when Mrs. Manwaring
Trumpet rose to her feet and said:
Il know everything. Soup three times
and fish twice; shoulder of mutton three
times at least, and l am not sure about
fourth, for l breathed on the glass and had
to clean it. Sweets twice, for certain;
cheese, dessert and six glasses of wine in
all. l think Adams, do think"
They requires it, ma'am," Adams said.
firmly; Its the call of nature, that's what
it is.''
"Well, suppose so,' the mistress said,
reasoning with herself as her maid prepared
to go down stairs. "You see my size and
how little eat.
''JUst so, ma'am," adams said
"The doctor says, continued Mrs. Main
waring Trumpet, laughing, chat live ON
my fat.''
"That's just it, ma'am," Adams said,
leaving the room only when the door was
closed behind her she added:
''Three eggs and bacon for breakfast this
morning and cold trout, with marmalade,
to follow. That's living on your fat, sup
pose. Well, it's easy k"o"ing what your
fat lives on.''
Under the most favorable circumstances
Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet never could keep
secret long, and now, in her elation at her
own brilliancy, she told several friends of
the continuance by which she was enabled
to watch her beloved one at all hours. Of
course, people laughed, and thought the
whole thing capital joke that she did not
mind the least But matters grew serious
when the rector heard that his whole parish
was laughing at him on account of Mrs.
Trumpet'S telescope. He had never heard
of the telescope before.
The observing reader will have remarked
in his passage through human life that just
in proportion as men are ludicrous, in that
degree do they hate the idea of becoming so.
To smile like Falstaff, because we are the
cause OF wit in others, is given only to the
lmmortals of waggery; your average man
hates of all things to be laughed at Now
when Arrowsmith the grim, the solemn, the
lans, discovered that he was the laughing
stock of his congregation, he came to a de-
termination in the gloomy recesses of his
mind that he would break off his engage
ment with Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet. But
how accomplish that? He could not openly
allege the telescope as cause. Fancy an
imprisoned counsel haranguing jury
against reverend defendant, who broke off
his engagement because woman who loved
him better than life, had looked at him
through a telescore That would never do:
the matter must be accomplished by craft,
and Mr.. Arrowsmith set himself to think
how it could be DONE
At this same time there came to settle in
his parish m; iden lady of enormous
wealth-that is for every Thousand pounds
Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet possessed Miss
Quick possessed three. Miss Quick was tif-
ty-four; possibly she had been pretty in a
lackadaisical sort of way thirty years ago.
But since then Time and Miss Quick had
had several interviews. She looked now
rather like an old wax doll which had fallen
on its cheek in the toy shop window on
hot day and put the feature out OF shape.
Traces of bloom were on her face STILL but
the two cheeks did not match in size, which
was little awkward. All, yes, but while
certain of Miss Quick's charms had faded.
Others had burst into bloom. Her papa,
who was something in Bermondsey' and
used always to have leathery kind of smell,
died and left Miss Quick el50,OOO. How
many faded charms will that sum renew?
Bethink you, how many dimples, ringlets,
pearly sets OF teeth, carnation lips, fairy
feet, peachskin cheeks, ivory fingers and ia
per waists are equal for bewitchment to
e150, 600? All, pretty dears, who boast your
selves in mere beauty of nature, remember
to us males day comes when we begin to
see that we can not dine off an eyebrow,
however fine its arch, or sip the sparkle of
an eye, nor pay rent and taxes with a
breath perfumed though it be like gardens
of Araby the blest. In word, we grow
stout, practical; we come, as that sad little
song OF Thackeray's says "to forty year,
And as for .Arrowsmith, he had come to
forty year, and to fifty year; indeed, he had
come to fifty-five year. Let an Had of love-
making be written on finger nail of paper.
Miss Quick made open love to Mr.. Arrow
smith, though never word she spoke; Mr.
Arrowsmith replied that if the thing could
be arranged he was ready, though never
word he spoke, And now for Mrs. Trump
ct and her telescope.
Six days later Mr.. Arrowsmith drove past
Mrs. Mainwaring Trumpet, and in his car
raige was seated young and pretty girl.
No sooner did Mr. Arrowsmith see his en-
gagged wife than he drew back in the car
raige with all signs of confusion, and tried
to hide himself. "O-ho'' thought Mrs
Trumpet, coloring up till she was as red as
a soldiers coat. That was Saturday. At
Sunday-school, next morning, Mrs. Main
waring Trumpet severely, suddenly and
with evident dstrust in her voice asked
Mr.. Arrowsmith who that young lady was
with whom he drove out yesterday after
noon. The clergyman was so palpably con-
fused and made such fearful blunderings in
his reply and he so obstinately declined to
tell who the girl was, that Mrs. Mainwaring
Trumpet closed the interview by glaring at
him like dragon. Indeed, had the drag
on ever glared at St. George so in all prob
ability the champion would have tumbed
off his horse before the fight began, and we
should never have had any legend at all.
Mrs. Main waring Trumpet came home after
church as sulky as thundercloud.
"Adams," she said, in an appalling voice,
81 have been deceivedr'
"Lawk, ma ami" Adams said.
eyes, deceived, Adams," the mistress
went on. she has been flirting with wom-
an "a mirlx-a hussy not twentyr'
'Lawk, ma'am, adams said, ''to think
of it! and him such thin gentlemanv'
81 don't see what that has got to do with
it, Adams.' remarked her mistress. "But,'
said Mrs. Trumpet, pacing her room like
Lady Macbeth, 81 SHALL SHALL shalp'-
81 would, ma'am," Adams said, eff was
you."
''You don't know what 1 was going to
say, Adams" the mistress rejoined.
Next morning at IL o'clock Mrs. Mainwar-
ing Trumpet sat down to her telescope as
usual, only the eye that gazed through it
burned SO that it might have melted the
glass. In a moment she sank back with a
scream.
''Adamsr' she cried, ''she's therer'
who, ma amp" asked Adams.
"The minx!' screamed Mrs. Mainwaring
Trumpet.