The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-08-13
HUMOROUS.

Desert into smiling landscape, fullof hilla,
valleys, glades and dells," he said as he
entered Grlswold street tobacco store.
"Yum," was the reply from the man
who was sorting over plpe.stems.
"The cost will only be fifty million dol
lars. l shall issue ten Million shares at So
per share. Every shareholder will be en-.
titled to ten acre lot and share In the
profits of sales. Will you take two shares p
''No sir"
"One?"
''No SIR"
"Will you give me half pound of fine
c for q share 7"
''No, SIR"
"Don't you want to see the desert
smile ?"
''No, sir.''
"And you refuse to ranch In some green
valley in reclaimed Sahara z"
"I do"
Every VIC ], sir-very well. 1t is such
men as you, sir. who obstruct-but hold on.
Gimme ten cents worth of poor plug and
take the whole desert off my hands, and
Let me 60 ahead with my tunnel from Port
land to San Francisco. Eh9 What do you
say2 It's the last chance you'll have this
cnmmer 10 buy a country Of your own.
with the smiling process.
Mrs. JULIUS BRowN's husband was ono
of tho passengers on the State of Califor-
MA during It's last trip, in wich 1t was de-
tanned four days over time. Mrs. B. bore
her anxiety with commendable fortitudc
until the third day. She was taking lunch
with some friends at restaurant, where
the waiter helped her to some shrimp salad
In glass that contained small portion Of
whisky. She had only eaten few mouth
fuls when she burst into tears.
WHAT'S the matter Mrs. Brown 2" SAID
the company, much surprised.
Why" sobbed the poor woman,
"m-m.my worstfears are realized. know
now that poor julius has been drowned.
Just taste these shrimps."
And as there was no denying that they
tasted exactly like old Brown, the widow
was conducted home, She had Just de-
cided that she would look exceedingly well
in black when the steamer arrived.
AMIABLE husband (who has just finished
moving" Where are my slippers, dear 2"
Wlfc-"They came along with the third
load. and the load went to the garret ?"
Husband-"And where 1s my pipe7"
Wlfe-You1 find it III one of the barrels of
crockery in the cellar" Husband And
where is my comb and hair trush z"
Wifc-"Jane packed them in the kitchen
stove with the children's shoes" Husband
(Mentally oliloquising)-" What woman
my wife Isl She never went to college, and
yet she knows everything"
JUVENILE Induction: Sylvia" There
go Uncle George and Aunt Mary and the
baby2 What fuss they make about the
baby, to be sure |" Daisy" People
always make fuss about their tirst-born,
and always have ever since the world be-
gan" Sylvia-"I don't suppose Adam and
Eve made much fuss over Cain" Daisy
"Why mott" Sylvia" Well they'd never
seen baby before, and must have thought
him quite an ldioti"
LEE a comparative state: boy on
Jones street was the other evening eating
away at big cocoanut that had been
cracked open with a brickbat, when ped
cstrian felt 1t his duty to halt and remark
"Boy, don't you know that two much of that
stuff may give you the colic2" 81 guess
So" was the reply. "Thcn why do you
eat it," "Well, if my chum, who lives
next door, can stand tho smallpox for six
weeks, guess can put up with the collie for
three or four hoursl'' was the reply as he
bit or another big hunk.
A FINE haired young lady OF Wheeling
went away from home some time ago on q
visit to friend. She was finiky sort of
a girl and was very proper, indeed. At
dinner on the day Of her arrival she ate
very little.
why Jane" said her friend, "yon
don't eat anything. Take something else;
please do 7"
"Oh, no." she simpered, thank you;
l never cat big messes away from home"
There was silence during the rest of the
meal.
"YoU must admit, jim Webster, that
you stole those pullets," said the Galveston
Jedge to the culprit, "Jedge," responded
Jim, 81 don't really believe l stole dem
chickens. In tho fust place, Jedge, nobody
saw mc take 'em. In do next place dey
could not be found on my premises, because
had done hid dem chickens under dc floor.
cau't help believln', Jedge, dat is lnno-
cent as lamb"
AN English Judge, who was to the last
degree cross eyed once had three prisoners
before him. Speaking to the first of them,
but, by reason of his ocular inflrmlty,
resting his eye upon the seco nd, he asked !:
'I our name and domlcile7" The second,
believing himself questioned, gives an an
swer. The judge looks at him severely,
and cries ~ did not speak to you," when
up starts the third, on whom lis eye is
fixed: "Nor did l answer you, Judge"
A CLERGYMAN who had just performed
wedding ceremony, and was filling out a
blank descriptive of the parties, asked the
husband what his business was; ~ am
wine merchant and ahOamaker y was the