Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-07-09
ing apples at a stall at this very moment,

HAVE NODl0 fortunes III
Hands
as great doctors have noble lives. OF
the secrets OF noble regulations, doctors
and lawyers are alike custodans; and,
trustworthy. The briefiess barristers
who would like to patronize cabs, but
they can't afford those luxuries,
walk down Parliament street arm in arm,
mostly men with bold noses Of the ap.
proved Slawkenbergius pattern, and
very large red or sandy whiskers.
Their brietiess clothes are very
worn and threadbare, their hats
nspless, their umbrelIas-they always
carry umbrellas-gape at the mouth and
distend at the nozzle.
The Barristers
are second wranglers, fellows OF their
college prizemen; they have pulled
stroke oar AMI bibbed at wine parties
given by marluises. They are very
poor and britfless now. Their
chambers in the Temple are very high
up, the carpet ragged. The laundress is
a tipsy shrew who pliers; the boot boy
insists upon serving up small coal broil-
ed with the chops. 1t is but seldom,
but verv seldom, that they can order
steak at the Rainbow" or demand
bottle OF port from the plump waiter
girls at the Cock" tavern.
No Attorneys Ascend Their staircases;
no briefs are frayed in being pushed
through the aperture OF their letter
boxes; editors are deaf, and the only
magazine which receives their contribu-
tions don't pay. They cannot help ask
ing themselves, sadly and queru.ously,
poor fellows, OF what avail is the grand
classical education, tedious and expen-
sive; the Shaving for degree or honors;
the long nights spent beneath the glare
of the reading lamp, learning AID re-
learning the paIimpsests OF law (; OF what
avail are the joints Of mutton and bot
ties OF heady wine consumed at the
helping term dinners; OF what avail the
square OF the hypothenuse and the
knowledge lin the best Lstin) that
strsng men hvel before AgamemnOn;
OF what avail the wg,
the gown, and the big Greek
prizebooks with the college arms EN-
blaZed on the cover
Console Yourselves, Ys Briehess Ones.
Though the race be not to the swift, nor
the battle to the strong, your chance ls
vet in the lucky bag; the next dive may
bring it forth, splendid and triumphant.
To dav is poverty, and heart sickening
hope deferred and the pawn-shop, but
to morrow may make you the thunder
er before the judicial committee OF the
Privy Council on the great appeal from
Bombay. 1t may make you standing
counsel to the Fegee Island Company,
or defender OF great railway case.
But come to the hall OF Westminster
For the Court of @. ems Bench
is sitting 1t is not handsome court;
it is not an imposing court. The bench
looks like an unfortable settee, the floor
OF the court look like little
quadrangle OF oak, like pie
board; the witness box is so small that
it seems capable OF holding nothing but
the shooting "Jack" OF our toyship ex.
perience; and the jury box has strong
family likeness to one OF the detunct
Smithfeld sheep pews, where sit the in.
teligent jury, who have an invincible
propensity, be the weather hot or cold,
ior wiping their forehesds.
A Weary Msrtyrdom Some of Those
Poor Jurymen Pass;
understanding a great deal more about
the case, on which they have to de-
liver, at its commencement than
at its termination, bemused, bewildered
and daZzied by the rhetorical tiOurishes
and ingenious sophistry OF the counsel
on both sides, and utterly nonplussed
by the deliberately obscure pleas that are
put in. The attorneys take rOmps with
one another and whisper jokes. The
counsel chat and poke each other in the
ribs; the brietiess ones, in the high back
rows. sCribble cariCatures on their blot
ing pads, or pretend TO
Pour Over "kaGgot' Briefs,
or lounge from the Queens Rench into
the Exchequer, and from the Exche.
uuer into the Bail Court, and 80 on into
the Common Pleas the usher mods and
cries silence sleepily; the clerks read
in a drowning, mOnOtOnOus voice docn-
ments OF the most vital Importance, let
tcrs that destroy and blast a Iife.Iong
reputation of virtue and honor; letters
that bring shame on noble women and
ridiCule on distinguished men. The
chief has not assumed his legal harness
yet, and the junior counsel employed in
the case are bunylng over their preim
inares. The faded moreen Curts lnS,
the shabby royal arms above the judge,
with their tarnished gliding, suOdued
looking lion and cracked unicorn, the
ink stained, grease worn desks and
forums; the lack lustre, threadbare
auditory, with woe.be.gone garments
and mien, who fill up the hinderpart OF
the auditory.
Here Our Sovereign Lady, the Queen.
is supposed to sit herself in judgment,
and from this court emanates the Great
Writ OF Right in the habeas corpus. To
tell the truth, neither counsel, jury nor
audience seem to know or to care much
about what is going on, but there are
three persons who sit up aloft-not
exactly sweet little cherubs, for they are
very old, wrinkled men-who know the
case like book, and considerably better
than many books, who have weighed
the pros and cons to the minutest hairs
breath, to feathers turn OF the scale.
who are awake and alive, alive o, to all
the rhetorical flashes and ingenious
spphistry OF the advocates, and who will
Tell the Jury Exactly What the Case Is
made OF in about a titha OF the time that
the Junior counsel would take IN enum-
Grating the wrongs OF which the plaintiff
complains, or whose commission the
defendant denies. 1t is an ediiying sight
to watch the presiding judge-that shri-
yelled man in petticOats-with his plain,
scratch wig all awry. Now he hugs his
arms within his capacious thumbs, now
he mods his august head, allows
it to recline over one shoulder, and
seems on the point OF falling of to sleep;
now he leans wearily his cheek on his
elbow on the bench, first on one side,
then on tho other; then he rises, shakes
his old head, yawns, and with his hands
in his pockets,
Surveys the Outer Bar
through goldrimmed spectacles. He
seems the most bored, the most inditler-
ent spectator there; but only wait till
the chiefs on both sides have concluded
their eloquent bamboozling of the jury;
mark my Lord settle his wig and his