Morris tribune., 1881-06-16
SPOOPENDYKE.
What Comes of Getting News from a Pat
tern.

What Comes of Getting News from Pat
tern.
From the Brooklyn Eagle
"Is there any truth in this story that Mr..
Garfield has killed Senator Conkling?" in
quired Mrs. Spoopendyke, fitting the sleeve
in the armhole and running in the bastinp
moi" calculated MIR. Spoopendyke.
where did you get that? Mr.. Conkline has
resigned, but he amt dead"
II read that he had got into some diff
Guilty with Mr.. Garfield, and Mr.. Garfield
had dragged him all around by the ear, and
finally they had to take Mr.. Conkling away
to save his life, though he died afterward. :"
"Who said SOP" demanded Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "Where'd you read anything like
that?"
Il read it on pattern that Mrs. Winter
botham loaned me for an overskirt. I'm
sure it's SO" replied Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"Get the pattern" aaid Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "Show it to me!'
Mrs. Spoopendyke unrolled the pattern
and commenced to read:
1.-The combinations ut Washington have
assumed the most exciting shape. To- day
the trouble between Garfield and Cenkline
eliminated by Conkling Selling him by the
throat and holding on while the crowd
yelled with delight. Twenty to one was Of
fered, but Garfield remains firm and de-
clares that the administration will not
yield This position aroused the crowd to
frenzy. 1t is said that Conkling really de-
sires to retire to private life, but Garfield
at that moment planted his teeth in his
game adversary's ear and dragged him
around until the friends of Conkling inter-
fered to save the poor things life. He was
taken home but died in few minutes.
There!" said Mrs. Spoopendyke, triumph
antly, II told you So
"Show me!' said Mr.. Spoopendyke
jumping up and Selling the pattern. "Where
dye find such dod gasted nonsense as that
Where is it?'
There, it begins under the ruffle, then il
runs over on the band and down on the
gore, and ends here on the plating.
knew I'd seen it" and Mrs. Spoopendyke
smiled pleasantly.
IDIOT" howled Mr.. Spoopendyke. "This il
where you get your political information, i.
it? This the source of your Intelligence OF
national affairs? All you want is two more
patterns and a bald head to be constitu
tional lawyer! Three overskirts and pal
of spectacles would make you supreme
court Judge! What dye think this ISL"
Isn't it right?" faltered Mrs. Spoopen
dyke. Did you read from the ruftle owe
to the band and down to the gore"
"Yes, did, didn't l." squeaked Mr.
Spoopendyke, ''and 80 did you, didn'tyou
Do you know what you've got here
Isn't it pat"
bod gas the pattern-1 mean the print
Part of it is about Garfield, part abou
Conkling, and the rest lisa dog fight out o.
Long Island. Know what it is now? Thin
you can understand it, now I've explained
it to you? Oh, you can! You've got brains
Some day I'm going to run pipe into you
ear and start phosphorus factory" an
Mr.. Spoopendyke danced out of the room
leaving it strewn with pattern dust.
II don't care" sobbed Mrs Spoopen
dyke, "it read all right, and the skirt fitte'
SO nicely that supposed the articles wer
put together straight. And it was so per
fectly natural anybody might make tn
same mistake. It's SO like most Of tn
news from Washington that I've been ex
pecting it every day." and Mrs. Spoopen
dyke overcast the sleeve, with the seren
conviction that after all you've got to pate
a newspaper into a pattern to get at tn
actual facts sometimes.