The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-03-30
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FLOATING FANOIES.

OAS S1oAAo " ~ ESiS AloAS "@L
The decline in eggs is attributed to The
fact that the hens are Smelling out more
freely.
"One Lung" is the consumptive-reminding
name Of q Chinese laundryman on q Brook
Ign street.
He couldn't raise the mortgage IN his
building lot, and so, poor man, without be-
coming blind, he lost his site.
A bank is a bad place for delicate young
clerks and bald-headed cashiers; SO much
exposed to drafts. you know.
'Jacob, is there much difference between
q sea and 8 SAW" Eyes; the difference be-
tween see and saw is intense"
A plumber who was about to die said:
s'My only regret in dying is that I am going
where water pipes never freeze up"
A heightened New York lady paid $500
for a poodle the other day, and two of her
relatives were at the same time eating public
soup in Syracuse.
The play Of "The Forty Thieves was ad-
vertised in Philadelphia. But it didn't draw.
The people wouldn't buy tickets to it. They
could 90 and see their city officers for moth
ing.
Money does everything for q man. said
an old gentleman, pompously. Eyes" re-
piled the other man, S'but money won't do SO
much for g man as some men will do for
money"
Jones's boy has had 9 leg 50 lame that he
cOuldn' walk to school for q week, and,
after two doctors had failed to cure him, his
father had to get him q pair Of club skates to
fix him right.
In a public school in one of our large cit
les the other day, a teacher asked the ques-
ton: "Who killed Goliath?" For some min
utes no one answered, bnt finally q small boy
said: "Please, ma'am, it was Jack, the giant
killer"
"Will you have it rare or well done?" said
COMMISSIONS Brennan to an freshman as he
was cutting q slice of roast beef. II love it
we'll lone ever since I am in this country
replied Pat, "for it was rare enough l ate it
in Ireland"
Lecture upon the rhinoceros. Professor:
II must beg you TO give me your undivided
attention. 1t is absolutely impossible that
you can form any true conception of this
hideous animal without keeping your eyes
fixed upon me-"
Rufus Choate believed in hard work and
struggle. When some one said TO him that q
certain achievement was the result of an ac-
cident, he exclaimed: Nonsense! You
might as we'll drop the Greek alphabet and
expect to pick up the 'Iliad.'"
Figaro represents q little boy asking: ''Pa-
pa, what then is it that distinguishes ~civiliza-
ton from barbarism?': 'tOh, that is quite
simple replies the parent: civilization
kills its enemy at q thousand metres with a
cannon ball, and barbarism chops off his
head with a sabre"
He drew his breath with 9 gasping sob,
with a quavering voice he sang, but his voice
leaked out and he could not drown the &C
companist's clamorous bang. He lost his
pitch on the middle A, and faltered on lower
-, anG foundered at length like q battered
wreck adrift on the wild high Y.
E'The complaint is not so much hat peo-
pie work on Sunday says the circular Of
the Chicago Sabbath association, "but that
they play. It is against sinful recreations
that we are moving 1.-The Puritane," said
Macauley, ''hated bear-baitng, not because
it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave
pleasure to the spectators"
There is q marble lamb on the tombstone
of an old Galyestonian, and when Gilhooly
saw it for the first time he exclaimed:
Chow appropriate" 'Was he Of q gentle
aisposition?' tWhew! I guess not. de
woold shoot in a minute, but he always over
fed himself on spring lamb and green peas.
That's what killed him, [ reckon"
These few words lock in thy memory for
future use. Notwithstanding the wool
over peoples eyes by sunstroke or some 9th
or sndden means. Grantology--The art Of
turning 4 taciturn and solemn man into q IA
cetious and loquacious one. Conklngature-
The desire to avoid a shotgun and run . na-
ton. Mentorization-A pilgrimage to Ohio.
Butlerifcation-The desire for q g~ubernator-
ial chair. Minerism-The faculty OF damn
ing everybody who does not believe as you
do.
Cnstomer-"Those cigars | bought here
Yesterday were mighty bad Dealer-"Bad?
WIN, sir, I've sold thousands and thousands