The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1881-04-16
BagshOt's Assistant.

per called the Union, up in Chodunk.
The Colonel was called away to New
York on business, leaving the Union in
the hands of an assistant who had been
in his employ some little time.
Now, the Colonel knew that the said
assistant had the cheek of brass statue
and the audacity of New England fly
both indispensable attributes to the
newspaper man; but still, after being in
the city about week, he began to grow
uneasy and telegraphed to Chodunk,
SHOWS thingsP'
Back came the answer from the U1aion's
pro tenn. editor: "Bully! Circulation
OF the old things gone up thousand.
Been getting up red-hot paper, and
there's gang outside that are weeping
because they can't hoist the shingles off
the roof and knock the whole concern
to thunder. Stay away as long as you
like
Bagshot didn't waste a moment after
receiving this encouraging dispatch. He
started home in the first train, and
reached Chodunk before night. The
first man that struck him was the ticket
agent.
"Look here, COLONEL" he cried, ex-
citedly, give a darned good notion to
punch your head, you brazen-faced old
har!"
"Why?" asked Bagshot.
"Read that!" and the ticket-agent
showed crumpled Union into his hand.
There was paragraph as follows:
RAILROAD NEws.-The handy legged idiot
who robs the railroad company at this village
mas purchased new pocket knife. More
knocking down from the cash. drawer.
Bagshot bit his lips.
"Bill," said he, ''that's calumny,
and I'll see it righted in our next. It's
my cussed assistants work"
81 don't care whose work it is"
growled the agent, {" but, if it amt con.
tradicted, somebody's got to die-that's
ALL"
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down
the street to the Union office. He had
not gone half block before he collided
with Deacon Marsh.
The Deacon seized him by the shout.
der and exclaimed: "What do you
mean, Bagshot, by inserting that scan
dalously untrue item about me?''
"Didn't insert any item,' replied the
Colonel.
"Don't sneak out of it in that way.
You know you did. Why, just cut it
out of the Union. Listen:
RELIGIOUS INTELLIGENCE.-That whited
sepulcher, Deacon Marsh, was noticed last
Saturday night trying to open the coal hole
IN front OF his residence with night key.
The Deacon was full as a goat, and couldn't
tell moonshinc from green cheese.
"Now, that's nice-ain't it? saying
that was drunk Saturday night, when
| went to bed at seven with a raging
toothache."
Z" It's that reckless fool whom l left in
charge" groaned the Colonel. EN-
make it all right, Marsh - and Bagshot
scurried on again, only to be confronted
by Major Blim.
Colonel" uttered Blim, in his deep
est voice, this is villainous! It's my
intention, sir, to call you out and shoot
you through the heart. What the deuce
do you mean by publishing this note in
the UniOn?"
MILITARY JoTTINGs.-Mai Blim, the tattered
old beggar who hid in an oyster barrel dur
ing the battle of Bull Run, wears wig. He
ought to be shot in the back with baked
apple.
"I can't help it, Blim," said Bagshot,
wiping his forehead; "it's all owing to
that young devil in the office. He has
made red-hot paper. Just wait, Ma
jor, and I'll fix things"
Hardly had he done so before young
Cooley appeared.
"Col. Bagshot," announced he, "you
are lying scoundrel! This is a nice
thing to put in your blackguard sheet
aoout young lady,
SOCIETY IrEMs.-Miss Cooley, the old girl on
tie in the hope of catching fellow. But she
can't-not even if she lays the paint on twice
as thick as she does now.
But Bagshot didn It stop to hear it. he
flew across the square and into the
Union office like a flash.
No one was there. That able assistant
editor, warned by friend unknown, had
busted forever. Lying on the desk was
a Union, folded so that this notice caught
Bagshot's eye:
LITERARY MEMs.-The bald headed snipe
who pretends to run this paper has gone to
New York. We expect to hear every moment
of his sentence to Sing Sing for arson and
highway robbery. The citizens of Chodunk
does not disgrace his village by being hung
for inianticide.
Bagshot never intends to employ an
other assistant editor, and journalists in
search of situation will find it healthy
to keep away from him.-Minmeapolts
IVooLJu