The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-10-08
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

A bad policy--One that has run out.
An old head-The head Of navigation.
Niagara Falls--And what's to prevent it!
Eli Perkins is rail mad, spelled backwards.
You will seldom find an attorney at law--he
knows better Vanity Fair.
They are taking political atraws In Ohio, and
putting one end Of them in whisky punch.
"Ill see that this is put down." as the boy re.
marked when he found jelly cake In the cup
board.
The man who married an incorrlgible shrew
de,ared that he had contracted a dangerous
scold.
How not to hnd it-Use Professor Bells in
ductive balance. Science alone works miracles.
Solilouuy by X. B. Hayes: where have !
heard OF this man Arthur? 1t can't be that New
York custom. house fellow"
Gulteau Is sick. Now II Bliss should doctor
him, the anxiety to see him adequately punished
would be gratifed.-Ch Times.
The tail of Prof. Swift's latest comet is nearly
million miles long. This comet ought to be
able to keep the flies of.
MT. Hayes ucscINCe u ioiSiSh h''S''''' 80
was the first man who drew the attention OF the
country TO Arthur.
Mary Anderson thinks her legs are not prop
er subject for criticism and ought not TO Inspire
so many newspaper articles as long and as thin
as they are.-Ch Times.
1t is suspected that "Clara Belle" of The Gin.
cinnati Enq,tirer is a man. No man, however,
could write so intelligently OF woman's dress ex-
T.Har nayia
What isa snoozere- Chicdgo Herald. He is a
galoot. Now, what is a galooty-IN. State Reg.
He is snoozer, when asleep.-N. Y. Ne,rS.
Eli Perkins says that humor consists Of moth.
ing put Interpretations lies. Eli Is trying 10
make out that he's the funniest man IN the uni
verse.-Stdte Register.
When mans money is gone his friends drop
Off like buttons from pair of ready made pants.
Boston Globe
What Is that which, II you divide into two
parts, you have only one quarter remaining. DID
we hear you murmur fifty cents? Yonker'S
Statesman.
Lives Of wealthy men remind us
That by using printers ink,
We can die and leave behind US,
Monstrous piles OF golden "chink."
Detroit Free Press.
Dr. Relchenow recently read before the Ger
man pathological Society AN important paper
on the classification OF Ducks" Virgil CLASH
fed them long ago
'Inter exerctus facile dux."
Virgil also knew that ducks were good 10 eat,
for don't he say "Dido ct dux"
Governor Plaisted, OF Maine, was married to
Miss Mabel f. Hill, IN a church at Exeter, at 5
O'Clock Tuesday morning, in order to take an
early tram for the White Mountains. On. Times
First time we ever heard 1t was necessary to
get married to take an early train to the White
Mountains.
A reverend gentleman at st. Louis is suffering
from "morbidly retentive memory reacting up
on unusual receptvity Of mind, and producing
unconscious assimilation OF ideas" The man
he stole from was Edward Everett.
In the oil country large quantities OF gas are
used for fuel A man using 1t In his cook stove
was asked the other day why he did so, and he
coolly replied, "Because 1t splits 80 much easier
than wood"
At the trial OF II school .teacher, at Belvidere,
for hogging one OF her pupils, the court and au.
dience were conyulscd with laughter when the
father Of the boy punished swore that his son
was whipped "upon his hind legs"
There is man In California who has u snake
In his stomach, and Is obliged to drink large
quantities OF whisky to keep the reptile stupeGed,
rs 1t causes him great pain when 1t is lively. or
course he refuses to have the snake removed, and
his envious temperance neghbors are anxious to
know how he captured 1t.
She wears finest diamonds and laces
And Is worth half million they say;
Her set socialistic embraces
The fashion and wealth OF the day;
Her face Is n model OF beauty
Her praises are sung DER and DER;
But what are her wealth and her beauty
When foghorn can't equal her snore?
Detroit Free Press.
1t is indeed inspiring every morning to see the
crowds OF mlkmen vending their way toward
the city earnestly singing; "Shall we gather at
the rivery And how sweet comes the reply
from their lusty throats
Yes, we will gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river,
Gather every morn at the river
And temper our milk on the sly"
A Wisconsin hop raiser advcrtises for fifty girls
that can dance and pick hops" This might
seem peculiar thing, but when IL Ia known that
young men will flock around hop yard where
there are girls to dance with, and pick hops for
nothing just to get chance TO dance in the eve.
ming, there is nothing peculiar about il. In some
localities girls pick hops all day and dance until
after midnight six nights In the week and 20
buggy riding all DAY Sunday, and seem to thrive
on II. Picking hops and dancing is the most
healthy business there is going, but the season
Is not long enough. man who will invent Il
hop that can be picked all summer and until late
In the fall, has got fortune.--F1.
THE CARLEss BRAKEMAN.
My hero was brakeman good,
His name WAS Jacob Klous;
No place could Jacob call his home,
Except the Westinghouse.
He was very sober man,
And scarcely ever spoke;
And though he was brakeman, still
The pledge he never broke.