South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-08-26
" 1 T A ND HUM Or

: o.iniity. Now, let me ask YOU dis
'inctly, are you an Englishman:'
Witness-No, SIR
Lawyer-sAre you Frenchman p
Witness-'No, SIR
Lawyer-'Well then, are you an l.
Italian, or a Russian, or Turk, or an
American p
Witness, hanging his head and col
oitag deeply-'No, sir, I'm an Ohio
man.
Il want you to put new pair of
heels on these boots, said DR.. Ipecac
to the shoemaker why don't you
do ityourSelf, Doctor p asked old wax
ends. Il p said the Doctor i'm aston
ishment, why, yes. Does not the
good book say: physician, heal thy
self 9'' -f
A certain New Yorker never has
money enough on hand to pay his bills.
A few days ago he bought pair of
boots on credit. .How much are
they?' Five dollars if you buy on
credit, as usual, but $40 if you pay de
cash down How is thaty' Well,
you see said the supplemented Ger
man, sven sells on credit knows it
is dead loss, so / makes de loss as
shmall as possible
1T is.a sad thing said Mrs. Spill
kins to her husband, 'for q man to
have his will contested after Inc is
dead.' Contested after he is dead =
cried Spilkins. That is not half so
bad as TO have it contested after he is
married. ftt"
Does it, after all, pay to be honesl2'
q disappointed young man writes -
No my son, not if you're honest for
pay, it doesn't Not you are honest
merely because you think 1t will pay;
not if you are honest only because you
are afraid TO be a rogue; indeed, my
dear boy, it does not pay to be honest
that way. If You can't be honest be-
cause you hate a lie and scorn mean
action; if you can't be honest from
principle, be a rascal that's what you
are intended for, and you'll probably
succeed at it. But you can't make
anybody believe in honesty that is
bought and sold like merchandise.
Burlington Hawkeye.
Bertha, whose age is four years,
saw some gray hairs on her mothers
head and exclaimed: ooh, mamma,
you've got lot of basting thread in
your hair
The Topeka Commonwealth las the
following, which VIC think worthy of
reprinting:
we occasionally. meet n man in
this world who is under the impress.
sion that if he stops his paper he will
thus get even with the editor for
some supposed iujury-maybe it is
only gentle request for subscrip-
tons past due.
Some business men, or rather men
IN some business, are laboring under
the same apparition. Why, don't
these blissful fellows know that when
a man cuts his paper it causes no
commotion with the editor He is
used to If. 1t is only a proof that
his paper is appreciated.
aside from that, an editor is very
like an ordinary man. He eats, he
drinks, he wears clothes when he can
get them-they may not be the finest,
but he wears them all the same), he
wears hat, he eats vegetables, eats
bread, eats meat, and all other 'indel-
icacies' of the season(sometimes eats
crow.
No the editor does not go bare
footed (unless he has toy Paradox.
caIly speaking, he is man like any
other man has feelings like a man
likes his friends as any other man.
and as rule is not less charitable
than other men,
Now, stop my paper man, don't
think to hurt our feelings by paying
up and quitting This is a very large
world, friend, and there are some
very large people in it. If we dis.
cover that we can't get along with
out you, why then we will sell out &
quit the business
1t is well known that geese and
ganders become greatly attached TO
persons who habitually feed them
kindly. But the attachment is sell
dom so great as that manifested toward
an English miller who keeps flock.
The faithful CREATURES had repeatedly
followed him mile to the village on
week days, when he went to attend to
business. 1t did not occur TO him
that possibly they might some day
want to follow him to church. But
on a recent Sunday they seemed TO be
IN devotional frame of mind and
marched behind him as he went to tho
sanctuary. Arriving at the door. they
wanted to follow him in, and proba,
bly, would have done so. He under.
took to make them understand that
ne wanted them to 90 home. but the