National Republican., 1881-10-22
THE BOSS suMMER RRsoRr.

Inc ABSURD custom OF WfltlnB up
summer resorts in the most extravagant and ful-
some manner being Just now carried to so great an
extent, the following simple statement Of the adj
vantages Of the recently opened Napa Springs Ho-
tel, IN California, is entitled to the biscuits
THE oRouSps
In the first place. this splendid new hotel Is stu-
ated In the midst Of an immense park, filled with
herds Of graceful deer and popcorn stands The
lawn contains 5000 acres Of the best green grass
over which meander over $1,000 imported pea
cocks, whose constant warblngs remind the de-
lighted hearer Of dozen Dutch orchestras playing
Wagner music for a keg OF beer.
THE HOTEL.
The building itself is SIG feet "a inches high,
and q blocks long the entire 'front.' being Of pure
Italian marble, niokel-plated. The fag-saf can
only be seen Of clear day, and the other night the
moon ran into 1t during fog and broke OF the
weother-cock. The buildings weight, when full,
Is 100000 TONS and when the landlord the genial
Mr.. Luke Kelly is also full the foundations sink
an inch day. The recent supposed earthquake
shocks were merely caused by the friction OF the
eighty-six elevators running the guests down to
dinner, or rather taking them up alterward, when
the weight is increased about one.third There
are ninety-two stories, without counting those
told by the Office clerk about the trout fishing.
Among other novelties the roof is furnished with
racc.track and base ball ground, &c.
THE ROOMS.
The bedrooms Of this superb carayansary are
27,9O6 in number, each 20 by 90 feet, and each
containing. twenty six cupboards. all the latter
superbly furnished with a two gallon demijohn
OF the best Old Stag whisky for nocturnal medi-
cnal use The firniturei is constructed exclusively
of step-mother- of pearl, aud the beds are COM
posed Of watch springs and stuffed with hummng-
birds wings at SIG short pound. In the centIe
OF each pillow is a silver tube, through which
cocktails be ordered from the bar at oil hours
in the morning, or Cruel pumped up from the
kitchen in case OF sickness.
THE HASH.
The hair in the butter will be tastefuly ormped,
pnd the hash served in patent gum capsules SO us
to leave no unpleasant taste in the mouth. In
order to inculcate patriotic love for the Ameri-
can drled-apple pie, every tenth one will contain
an order for Steinway piano or reversible
ulster. The dishes will all be OF solid gold, and
slung at the guests by superbly. dressed walters,
who will be compelled to wear red ties In order To
distinguish them from the guests. They will also
be mounted on silver-plated bicycles TO insure
speed. celebrated magician has been engaged
as hat-taker, and will produce a rabbit and a
hoopskirt from each hat as the guest passes out.
THE SOCIETY.
As the presence Of real live lord is OF the ut
most consequence In giving tone to resorts Of this
kind, the Earl Of Sutherland, recently arriving In
this city, has been engaged for tho remainder OF
the season at an enormous expense. AS his duties
will only consist In carving at dinner and work
ing up business for the bar there will be plenty of
spare time for him TO sit around on the veranda
| and play croquet with the ladies. He can also
be borrowed for picnic parties by giving notice al
the Office day in advance.
LETTERS, SCANDAL, ETC.
The mail facilities are exceptionally attractive
In order to prevent Jealousy and dissatisfaction
each unmarried lady in the house will have pub
licy handed to her every day, on silver salver
! love-letter written bya Complete Letter Writer
| machine, specially constructed for the purpose
| Very young ladies will also be provided viii
pickles and chewlng-gum free, at all hours of the
| day or night and with tany by the Office clerks
The married ladies will be pleased TO know thai
an Italian tenor of the worst reputation has beer
secured TO wink at them in the dining room, and
| that arrangements have been perfected by which
pretty actress will be fired out" of the house n
least oace week, and in order 10 afford ample
material for conversation.
| THE SHOOTING.
| The opportunities for boating and fishing are
simply unsurpassed. Strings Of tho finest Centrt
Market trout can always be found at the ice-hous,
on the way back from the creek. The hunting Il
the best in the State, and particularly adapted tC
English tourists. Luxurious carriages alway,
in readiness to convey sportsmen to large
| practicable forest on the grounds, where con.
stant supply of wildcats and grizzlies will Away
be found-securely chained to the trees.
| THE BATHS.
And finally, the bathing and water. cures ar,
superior to any in existence. The world famoui
| Napa soda lemonade gushes from the natural rocl
all sides and Of every degree of strength, from
that of the most ordinary Sunday school picni
quality to the superb two-bit bar decoction. Th
baths also fed by this exhilarating nectar. Th
main swimming bath is 800 feet long by 600 wide
1t is constructed of solid gold marble, aud plate
| glass, and It's depth Is graduated from six inchc
at one end exclusively devoted TO lap-dogs, :,
twenty feet at the other, where suicides onjo,
every facility for the proper prosecution
of their profession. The scene in th
palatial wash house during the bathing
| hour is enhancing In the extreme, ant
takes the soap cake from the famous baths o
Lucullus by clear length. A full brass bant
| keeps time to every kick of the e-struck swim
mer, while the rose tinted light from the satin.
canopied roof renders still more seductive grouI
OF sixty beautiful Top Notch Girls floating arounC
| OH q sandal-wood raft, and dancing bewilderinl
saraband or Ellzaband, II preferred by the audi
| ence. Nothing can be more heavenly than tn,
sensation produced by the eiervescing liquid as |
bubbles up through tho cracks in the floor an,
fizzes around the batherstoes. his the next thin
to bathing in champagne, and one young lad
compared 1t to being well tickled while playlnI
Copenhagen at picnic. winle another stated tina
she felt as though she was sliding down but
tered rainbow with chunk Of maple sugar in he
teeth.-Derriek Dodd.