Litchfield enquirer., 1881-08-11

moderniZed 1t WIli pr0DaDiy staLe that Adam after eating the apple received word that his resignation would~be accepted ,
 A Leadville preacher stated that there would be no objection to innocent amuse yments, and the next day 2,000 people shut up shop and went 10 see hanging. n 5 A French paper has story of the Czar suspecting his bath was poisoned. and plune- ing the man who prepared It into the water, from the effects of which he died Most Frenchmen could easily believe a bath to be dangefo,Is to life without much stretch of the. imaginationa klO Ll} CL1OCGJ E
 An apprentice boy who had not pleased his employer one day came in for chastisement, during the administration of which his mas ter exclaimed "How long will you serve the devil?" The boy replied, whinlpering ''Yon know best, sir; believe my indenture will be out in three months" /"
 A saloon keeper in New London, Conn, whose lost pocketbook, containing nearly $4oo. was returned to him by the finder, i'm pulsively exclaimed, You pees von honest And they ''shook," and the honest boy lost sand paid.
 q s'What are you going to do when you grow up, ifyou don t know how to cipher2" asked an Austin teacher Ot a rather slow boy. "1 am going to be school teacher and make the boys do all the ciphering," was the impudent reply. The next thing that boy had to sigh for was g soft cushion on the bench. & a Hearing that MT. Conking was about to start newspaper, the editor of The Cincin- nata Enquirer asked: ''Does Mr. Conking know anything about the details of newspa- per management !? Can he estimate job work, and tell picnic committee how much twen- ty-fve eighth sheet posters will cost them, and when they will be ready"
 In the event of the Presidents complete re-. covery nothing can be gained by sending Guiteau to prison for few years. We sug- gest, therefore, that he be released on condi- tion that he will go to Texas and steal horse. -CPhiladelphia News. Second the motion, It wouldn't take long for the Texans to Guit- eau away with him.
 'sYes, my boy," remarked a proud New York parent to his promising son, .'you may be at the bottom of the step ladder now, but feel sure that by perseverance you will eventually reach the transom and look into the United States senate.'' H'And if do, dad. remarked the young man, ''you bet I'll never resign !''
 The Chinese students at Hartford, Conn.,, have been recalled home. When their parents discovered that they had not won base ball match or boat race since they had been at college in this country, they came to the conclusion that it was useless to throw away any more money in giving them an English education.
 A bitter commentator writes in the Indian apolis Herald: ''The manner in which the La-de -dah young men of the period uncover the billiard ball-sized knobs. that stand to them in lieu of heads. when meeting ladies, can only be equaled in grace by the financial secretary of an organ-grinder, when he re- moves his head-covering for the purpose of making an assessment"
 ''Live! I guess he lived. Why, you couldn't kill that feller if he was as full of holes as skinner. He'd just go to work and breathe through the holes, that's what he'd do," and having thus ventilated his knowledge of the vitality of a. veteran of the Mexican war, Job Shuttle mopped the per- next grocery to astonish another cracker barrel audience .,..4-s..
 The Troy Times thls one: Mrs. Van Auken, living near Lake George, was startled one day by the sight of a large rattlesnake making it's appearance in her kitchen, where she was at work, and seizing her by the skirt tried to pull her toward the door Woman's curiosity at last overcoming herlfear, she fol- lowed the snake down to the lake, where she was still more mortified to find her little daughter on the point of drowning Seeing the little one fall into the water, it seems that the snake. with astonishing instinct, crawled to the house to give ,,asrniBg.Y We ewopld be willing to go fishing with the author of that story and leave it to him to say how much we caught. .Yr'TFc 52 rT,f.rr '
 "What dyer think of this new fangled civil service reform idee ?" inquired Slowcoach of his neighbor as they both leaned over the fence and blew the mosquitoes away with tobacco smoke.
 , ''It's queer. Donno what to make ont. These ere competertive examinations, what's them ?" A :tE-
 "Weli a man that cap answer the most questions the most satisfactory gets an office s l understand it."
 ''You don't. Why Bill Higgins oldest boy would take every office in the country at that rate. He's master hand to answer questions, that feller s." And they both concluded to give Bill Higgins boy ''all the show"
 ITCHING PILEs-SYMPToMs AND CURE.- The symptoms are moisture, like precipitation intense itching, increased by scratching. very distressing, particularly at night, as if pin worms were crawling in and about the rectum |; the private parts are sometimes affected if allowed to continue very serious results may follow. 9DR. 4SwAYNEs ALL-HEALING ONT-