davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
He Mnsu,t a CLERGYMAN.

There is more than one broker in Wall
street whose general look might deceive
a stranger into believing that he was
member of the cloth, but the particular
broker we have in mind looks the pro
fession more than any of his fellows.
Business called him into Pennsylvania,
and at the village tavern he was sup
posed to be at least a bishop. He
heard the boys talking about horse
race which was to come off in the after
noon. and without asking any useless
questions he picked up his cane and put
in an appearance at the proper time.
Three horses were to start, and there
was crowd of fifty or sixty villagers
and farmers at the track. By-and-by
everything seemed ready for the start,
but there was hitch somewhere. Nearly
an hour passed, and yet no one mounted
the Judges stand. The broker had held
aloof from all, and was becoming I'm
patient, when one Of the crowd edged up
to him and said
Waiting here to see any one in par
ticular?'
40 no."
"This isn't country fair, you know. !"
No; didn't expect it was
It's a horse-race-a regular horse
race.
Yes, | understand"
The man returned to the crowd, held
short confab, and then approached the
broker again and said:
Say, stranger; want to ask you a
question"
$50 ahead.
" The boys have set you down for a
clergyman, and they hate to hurt your
feelings by starting this race. Would
You take if kindly if / should ask you to
step outside the fence?"
" I'd like to see myself stepping outr'
exclaimed the broker. II came here to
see the race, and I've waited whole
hour for the horses to start. Ring EN-
right up, and, in case you are one Judge
short III see fair play for every
starter.
The boys followed his advice, but they
haven't got it all straight in their minds
yet, and the broker is referred to as "that
fallen clergyman from New York. -
Wan Street Daily Neps.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
Taking on the Shoes.

In Syria people take off their caps OF
t1rbans when entering n house OF visit
ing a friend but they always leave their
shoes at the door. The reason is that
their floors are covered with clean mats
and rugs. and in the Moslem houses the
men kneel on the rugs 70 pray, and press
THOR foreheads to the floor, SO that il
would not be decent or respectful to
walk in with dirty shoes and soil the
SHADY on which they kneel to pray.
1hoy have no foot mat or scrapers, and
il is much cheaper and simpler to leave
tho shoes, dirt and all, at the door.
It is very curious TO 90 to the Syrian
school.houses and see the piles Of shoes
a Me door. There are new, bright red
Shoes aud old. tattered shoes, and kob
Aohs and black shoes, and sometimes
yellow shoes. The kob kobs are wood
en- clogs, made TO raise the feet out Of the
mud and water, having q little strap
over tie toe to keep it oil the foot. You
will often see little boys and girls run
ming down steps and paved streets on
these dangerous kob kobs. Sometimes
they slip, and then down they 60 on
their noses, and the kob kobs fly off and
~ rattling over the stones, and little Ali
or Yusef, or whatever his name is, be-
gins to shout, "Ya Imme va Immer'
l"Oh, my motherl') and cries Just like
little children in other countries.
But the funniest part is to see the
boys when they come out Of school and
Try to find their shoes. There will be
fifty boys, and, Of course, q hundred
shoes, all mixed together in one pile.
When school is out the boys make rush
for the door. Then comes the tug of war.
A dozen boys are standing and shufflinp
on tile pile Of shoes. looking down, kick,
ing away the other shoes, running THEN
toes into their own, stumbling over the
kob-kobs, and then making a dash tC
get out of the crowd.
Some times shins will be kicked, ant
hair pulled, and tarbooshes thrown off
and q great screaming follow, which vii
cease when the teacher comes Will
Asia, or a stick, and quells the riot
That pile Of shoes will have to answer
for good many school-boys' fights anC
bruised noses and hard feelings in Syria
You will wonder how they can tell theiI
own shoes. So do l. And the boys Of
ton wear off each others shoes by mis-
take or on purpose, and then you viii
see Selm running with one shoe on ant
ono Of Ibrahim's iii his hand, shouting
and cursing Ibrahim's father and grand
father until he gets back his lost prop
grtt
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18

John Hall, you We're very drunk last
night, " said his Honor, as a send.on.
81 think not, sir
Well, You have a right to differ.
officer, was this man drunk n
He was, sir. !"
Glow drunk ?"
"Well, he fell down four times in
crossing the road, and the last time he
fell he settled down for nap"
That's our case, Mr. Hall. Have
you any defense?"
/ have, sir. had not tasted any
liquor Of any sort all day long just
before | met tho officer 1 got choked,
and that was what allied me when he
picked me up"
"Choked ! What with"
With an apple"
Have you got it r.
" Yes, sir. When the officer shook
me he shook the apple ont of my gullet
and put il in my pocket to bring and
show you.
He thereupon pulled from his coat
tail pocket frozen greening larger than
q coiiee-cup and laid it on the desk.
Do you mean to tell me that you
had that apple in your mouth ?"
Yes, sir. | was going to take bite
when it slipped down into my gullet
and if the officer hadn't given me a shake
| might have suilocated.n
" You can't get the apple into YOU
mouth No such story will go dow
here"
See here, Judge, and he opened
mouth big enough to take in a quar-
bowl, tossed in the apple, ratified i
around and dropped it into his hant
again with smile of triumph.
"Yon may go, said his Honor, afte
long silence. "With such a mouth a
that you'll eat more than you can ear
In any prison. Take Your frozen appl
and go your way"
"Ihank You. I'd like to bring M
brother in some day and let You see hi
mouth. He can hold a pint Of hickory
nuts and sing a song at the same time
-NeiD York Herald.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
The Careful Father.

In carriage of a train bound from
Vienna to Pesth, one evening, there
were five passengers-an Englishman,
two Magyars, mild looking man OF
sixty, and handsome young German,
who seemed dreadfully sleepy. The
Englishman observed that the sexagena-
rian essayed to chat with the young Ger
man, who, however, yawned and soon
slumbered. The sexagenarian become
garrulous, and lamented his sons care
lessness in money matters. "See him
now, going to sleep III carriage full of
strangers. l think I'll give the young
man fright for once in his life," and
lifting up the lapel OF his coat, he laugh
ingly drew out pocketbook. At Press
burg the careful father said he must get
out for minute, but when the train
moved on he didn't return. When the
young man woke up they told him that
his father had gone out and taken his
pocketbook. "My fatherl'' he shrieked.
and, clutching his empty pocket, burst
into a volley of most unfilial impre-
cation. 81 haven't got father,d he
howled out. 81 never saw the-old
scoundrel before. Good Godl that
pocketbook contained 5000 horins. He
must have seen it when 1 took my
ticket"
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
Queer RemedIes.

AT an inquest held at Bradwell, Bucks,
on the body of fve-year-oid girl who
died Of hydrophobia, one of the witnesses
deposed that two days afterthe child had
been bitten, the buried dog was disin-
tered, its liver extracted and piece Of
it, weighing about an ounce and half,
frizzled on a fork before the fire until it
was dried up, and then given TO the child,
who ate it freely, but, nevertheless, died.
Not an over-nice remedy, but hardly
nastier than magpie-dust, which no less
n parsonage than the Princess Bismarck
apparently deems an infallible specific
for epilepsy; since, no longer ago than
january last, the President of the Eek
enfoerden Schooling Club addressed the
following circular to the members of that
association:
Her highness, Princess Bismarck,
wishes to receive, before the 18th inst,
as many magpies as possible, from the
burned remains of which an anti-epilep-
tic powder may be manipulated. / per-
nit myself, therefore, high and well-born
sir, to entreat that you will forthwith
shoot MS many magpies as you can in
your preserves, and forward the same to
the Chief Forester Lange, at Fredrichs-
rub or hither, without paying for their
carriage, down to the 18th Of this
month. "
Sir Walter SCOTS piper, John Bruce,
spent n whole Sunday, selecting twelve
stones from twelvesouth-running streams,
with the purpose that his sick master
might sleep upon them and become whole.
Scott was not the man to hurt the honest
fellows feelings by ridiculing the notion
of such remedy proving Of avail; SO he
caused Bruce to be told that the recipe
was infallible, but that it was absolutely
necessary to success that the stones
should be wrapped in the petticoat of a
! widow who had never wished to marry
again; upon learning which the High
lander renowned all hope Of completing
the charm.
Lady Duff Gordon once gave an old
Egyptian woman powder wrapped in a
fragment of the Saturday ReUieiU. She
came again to assure her benefactress the
charm was q wonderfully powerful one;
for although she had not been able to
wash off all the fine writing from the pa
per, even that had done her a great deal
of good.
A sea captain, when one of his crew
crayed something for his stomach's good,
on consulting his book found "No. 15
was the thing for the occasion. Unfor.
tunately there had been run on that
number, and the bottle was empty. Not
caring 10 send the man away uncontrolled
the skipper, remembering that eight and
seven made fifteen, made up dose from
the bottles so numbered, which the sea
man took with startling effects, nevel
contemplated by himself or the cribbage
loving captain Chambers Journal.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
The Pleasures Of Rnsiness.

No human mind is contented without
occupation. No human soul is satisfied
without an aim or purpose in life. The
greatest success in life consists not in
the mere accumulation OF riches, but in
being able to acquire wealth with a dis
position TO apply it in such manner
that it shall be comfort and blessing
TO others--not in the mere giving away
of money, but in putting people in a
way to labor and help themselves. There
is no pleasure in oppression. There is
no joy in grinding and exacting gold
from the poor; but there is great deal
of genuine satisfaction in being able 10
offer steady and honorable employment
to the many willing hands that have
nothing TO do. One OF the greatest en-.
ioyments Of the prosperous business man
consists in being able to comfortably
provide for the many employees in his
house or manuiactory. In doing this
he is fulfilling his obligations TO society
he becomes a useful and honored citi
zen; business TO him is real pleasure
he enjoys his successes, when they arr
fairly won, because he feels that he de
serves them.
When business man has the right
kind of purpose in life he enjoys his
occupation, he feels just and worthy
pride in his prosperity, he is pleased
with the respect and gratitude of those
whom he directs and controls in th,
management Of his affairs, and he feels
that In benehting himself he is confer,
ing favor upon others. = Criterion.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
The Planet Mars.

Professor Lockyer is of the opinion
that human life ON the planet Mars may
be very much like human life on the
earth; the light cannot be so bright, but
the organs of sight may be so much
more susceptible as to make the vision
quite as good. The heat is probably
less, as the polar SHOWS certainly extend
further, but by no means less in proper
ton to the lessened power of the solar
rays. The professor agrees with others,
that several remarkable seas-including
inland seas, some of them connected and
some not connected by straits with still
larger seas-are now definable in the
southern hemisphere, in which, rs is the
case also with the earth, water seems to
be much more widely spread than in the
northern hemisphere. There is, for ex-
ample, a southern sea exceedingly like
the Baltic in shape and there is another
and still more remarkable sea, now de.
fined by the observations of many as
tronomers--one near the equator, long
struggling arm, twisting almost in the
shape of an s laid on its back, from east
to west, at least 1000 miles in length
and 400 in breadth.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
Tho Difference.

The difference, said Augustus Mill
whliiiies, sauntering into the library the
other day-"the difference between the
works of Captain Cook and the works Of
BSeaumont and Fletcher is, presume,
that the former are by tar and the lat.
ter by-tu-men. Before he could cackle
he was seized by the nape Of the neck
aud thrust out of the building by an
esnraged professor, who said to him. as
he struck the ground, 'Do YOU know
why you are like Noah's ArkPH
NO, SAID the bewildered Augustus.
Wei, it's because you're pitched
without, said the professor, as he shut
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18


One would not think that there was
such difference between the people of
St. I,ouis and the people Of Detroit in
the matter Of committing suicide. In
st. Louis when Young woman has
made mp her mind that life is n burden
too heavy tobe longer borne she sits down
and writes dying lament to three differ
cnt daily papers. Then she writes a let
ter to the Coroner and tells him to buy
500 lot TO bury her body in, erect a $500
stone in her memory, and to select Jury
Of poets and clergymen to view her re-
mains. Then she dresses in her best
and starts for the river. 1t is always a
wild night She always reached wharf
boat without being seen. Her wild,
despairing cry as she leaps into the
murky river always floats to heaven on
the shriekmg gale, and when the body is
/ found smile Of angelic sweetness is
playing around her mouth.
How different such things are in De-
| h0itl The Young women write no
poetry, and hnye no thought of the Cor
oner. They care not for burial lot
| centrally situated nor monument with
n acherub TO crown it, They never go out
to commit suicide on a wild night, as it
might spoil their clothes. Some one
always sees them as they go down to the
river. They never say anything but
"Ohm when they jump. There are
always dozen men on hand to pull them
ont, wiring them dry, furnish them with
class of cheap lager, and send them
/ home with the warning:
''Now, gal, if you come fooling around
1 with your drinking water any more we'll
have you sent up for six monthsI
There isn't any romance here in De
troit, Everything is a cold, stern reali.
ty. and our greatest poets and sentiment
alists give their personal attention te
buying the family cabbages. .--Dctrot
Free Press.
LITTLE six-year old was taking his frs
lesson in addition, and when the teache
asked him: "If were to give you tw'
cats, and another nice young lady gav'
You two more, how many cats would yor
haye2" He quickly replied: "Why
pretty soon wouldn't have any, for M,
mamma would break their heads viii
the broom. She don't like cats.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
BOokhlndlng.

The bookbinders' craft was at its
zenith Just before the invention Of
printing; it has waned since, because
nobody would care nowadays to give
such prices rs were cheerfully paid for
books in the days when it took twenty
five months Of patient scribe's work to
bindings of such costly books were
works Of art. Milan first, we are told
acquired a reputation for its bindings of
Spanish leather, arabesqued and gilt,
which superseded the old-fashioned
bindings Of wood, metal, or ivory but
until tie close of the fifteenth century
the bindings Of presentation volumes
and of church books used on the high
affairs of cathedrals were mostly of solid
gold or silver. Bruges produced some
beautiful works of this description, like
wise bindings in cloth of gold wrought
with silk Of many colors At Ypres, the
great cloth mart Of North Europe, were
first made plain bindings of cloth, en-
hroidered more or less but these were
used only for small volumes Of tests and
ballads, aud for the horn books out OF
which the children in noble families
learned their letters. Venice had Il
name for its bindings in ivory and woods
from The East; Florence, like Ghent in
Flanders, abounded in brass artifcers,
and produced brazen bindings gilt o.
silvered, each one the work of master
craftsman, for none ventIred to make
book-covers who were not skilled with
their tools but the most gorgeous bind
ings Of all that were nlnde before tn,
invention Of printing came from Rome
Here the guild Of Italian goldsmiths hac
its chief hall and there was always
sure sale for rich bindings of wrough
gold, seeing that the Kings anC
potentates who came to visit the Papa
See invariably gave and received pres
ents OF splendid books,
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
HOW WATCHES ARE MADE.

twill be apparentto any one, whs viii
examine Solid Gold Watch, that aside
from the necessary thickness for engraving
and polishing, 9 large proportion OF the
precious metal used, is needed only to stiff
fen and hold the engraved portions in place,
and supply the necessary selidity and
Rtreugtha The surplus gold lis actually
needless so far as utility and beauty are coA-
cerned. In JAMES B0SS PATENT GOLD
WATCH CASES, this waste. of precious
metal iE overcome, and the same solidlty
and strength produced at from one.third
to ons-haf the usual cost Of solid eaHsE
This process ia Of themoAt SIMPLE nature, as
fellows: A plate OF nickls composition
metal, specially adapted to the purpose, has
two plates Of solid gold soldered one on
each side. The three are then pasted be-
tween polished steel rollers, aRd the result
is strip OF heavily plated composition,
from which the eases, backs, centres, bexsla,
etc., are cut and shaped by suitable dies and
formers. The gold in these cases ig sum-
ciently thick TO admit of all kinds OF chas
ing, engraving and enamelling; thsengraysA
eases have been carried until worn perfectly
smooth by time and use without removing
the gold. They are for sale by all jewellers,
and each case is warranted, by Special YER
tifcate. Nn Hf4 ~it'
For sale by all Jewellers, Ask for IllustrS
ted Catalogue and see Warrant, fsblS ~
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
The Yard Measure.

Every one is acquainted with the ma
ture and utility of the yard measure. IL
is the British standard Of length, reguiat-
ing all other measures, and consequently
is the foundation Of business transactions
and professional operations OF many diff
ferent kinds. But its high utility is en-
tirely dependent upon its fixed and
uniform dimensions. 1t would be in the
greatest degree inconvenient and unsatis-
factory if q yard in one part of the
kingdom meant something different to
the measure which passed under the
same name in another, or If the least
variation were found in the yard measures
of different parts Hence it is necessary
to have some authoritative standard by
which the dimensions of the yard shall
be accurately adjusted, and according to
which the legality or otherwise of any
measurement may be determined.
Many curious particulars are connected
with the formation of this authoritative
standard of the country; and few persons
unacquainted with the facts would have
any idea Of the interest which thus at
taches to so common an object as the
yard measure. In our early history dis
putes often arose in the measurement OF
cloth, ETC., and frauds were frequently
committed To check them Henry 1.
ordered standard yard to be made and
kept at Winchester, and deereed that ii
should be of the length of his oe0n arm.
This was a rough and ready mode Of set
Ting the matter, which presents the
greatest contrast to the formation of q
standard measure to the present time.
The disadvantage attending it was that,
in the event of the standard being lost OF
destroyed, it would be next to impossible
to construct another of precisely the
the same dimensions. To avoid any
such difficulty, scientific basis has beer
taken in modern times for the formation
Of the standard yard measure. Plainly
stated, this basis is the exact length q
The clock pendulum which vibratei
seconds of time in the latitude of Lon
don. This may appear to some to be {
simple rule, by which the standard may
be determined with comparative ease
but on the contrary, it is a matter requir
ing the most minute and accurate re
search, which only astronomers ant
mathematicians of the highest attain
ments are competent to undertake.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
Coughs "reminiscences.

In one Of his lectures Cough refers
to his love of the drama, which is not
surprising, considering his own remark
able histrionic gifts. He gave some re-
miniscences, however, in this connection,
which indicate that his memory may be
falling. For instance, he mentions his
personal acquaintance with the famous
performers Mathews and Kean. 1t may
be remembered, however, that he left
England at the age of twelve years, hav-
ing spent the previous years in a secluded
village When he came to America he
became bookbinder, and the reader
may Judge of his opportunities of becom-
ing acquainted with men of such dramatic
fame. Mathews died in England in 1885,
when Cough (then eighteen) was learn
ing to bind books in New York. Kean
died two years earlier In mentioning
this name it is always understood that
the senior Kean is referred to, since
Charles Kean was too inferior to deserve
any special notice. Soalso with Kemble,
whom Cough claims as personal
acquaintance. The only man of the
name that won any distinction was John
Philip Kemble, who retired from the
stage two months before Cough was
born. His brother Charles, who lived
twenty years later, was so inferior that
he is never mentioned in connection with
histrionic success, though he was con-
sidered by some clever performer.
The great Kemble was sixty at the time
of his retirement, and being in i'll health
he removed to Lausanne, where he died
six years afterward. Coughs vagaries
of memory are not surprising. He has
drawn so literally upon his imagination
during a long career Of public speaking
that such mistakes are very natural
consequence.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18

Mr.. O'RAFFERTy is sitting in his
room with his head tied up and his arm
in sling, when little boy sticks his
head in and asks, "Me feyther stint mo
10 inquire how yer eye was coming on
this morning. "Tell yer feyther to at
tind a ward meeting himself, and call
the Chairman liar, and he viii foind II
ell out widout askin'."
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
Brutal Conduct Of a Husband.

A fashionable Galveston woman wanted
to impress her husband with her house.
keeping abilities; so, when the cook left
she went down into the kitchen and
cooked breakfast, and she emade an awful
mess of it. They sat down to the table.
and her husband noticed that she had a
rag on her finger, so he asked what was
the matter.
81 burned it while frying the steak, .
she replied. -
"Well, any woman who would put
such breakfast as this on the table
ought to be burned at the stake, re-
piled the brute.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18

GRANDMA GARFIELD, o correspondent
says, is not stately, impressive old
lady, but nice, plain, eompanionable
mother of the everyday sort. You East
ern people, both men and women. grow
old more elegantly than those whose
early lives were full Of frontier hardships
at the West. To see the General with
his mother reminds one pleasantly of
Lawyer Wemmick and his aged parent"
in Dickens :" Great Expectations. AS
the aged P" of the administration.
Grandma Garfield viii be by no means a
lay figure in the social life OF the White
House.
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18
DR., A. Sparkman,
PHYSICIAN AND ACCOUCHBR.

DR.. a. P. SparkmRn, thankful Tor the lib.
eral patronage bestoWsd upon him in the
ance of the same from the citizens Of Mag>
nolis and vicinity. Special attention given
to Surgery and Obstetrics, in which he hss
had large aud successful practice. via
attend to all calls day or night, when moi
otherwise engaged, Nov7,7s
The Magnolia gazette., 1881-02-18

John Hall, you were very drunk last
night, " said his Honor, as a send.oif.
81 think not, sir. :"