The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1881-04-28
WIT AND HUMOR.

When some politicians are weighed
they are found wanting every Office in
the country.
Cincinnati Saturday Night:--An old
lady calls her cat Plutarch, because it
has so many lives.
Yale News: First freshman-The Gar
was assassinated yesterday. Second
freshman-Fatally?
Philadelphia News: ga babe" says
writer, sis mothers anchor" We have
often heard that the first thing they do
is to weigh it,
Boston Transcript: Notwithstanding
the bad effects of cold on the equine race
it is we'll worn proverb that the gray
mare is the better hoarse.
Burlington Hawkeye: The leader of
Chicago orchestra fell down stairs and
smashed his fiddle. He wasn't much
hurt himself, although he fell so vio-
Unity.
'"Do you drink ?" said q temperance
retormer to a beggar who had implored
aims of him. Eyes, thank you" re-
turned the candid beggar. where
shall we go?"
Boston Post: They say Fred Paulding
knows the play of Hamlet backward.
Those who have seen him in it will be-
lieve this. But why did he learn it that
way?
Wives of rich men oft remind us
We may make our wives sublime;
But $40 for bonnet
Knocks check-book out of time.
Whitehall Times: A rich mans regret:
A plumber who was about to die said:
''My only regret at dying is because
where l am going water-pipes never
freeze up
According to the Boston Globe, Ven
ner applies red hot poker to the nose
of his cat, and then predicts that "the
spring will be backward" When little
Venner puts tack on his chair it will
be early.
Discussing George Eliot's works one
suggested the Apocrypha. ! asked Miss
B if she had read it: 'No," she re-
piled, "the only novel of George Eliot's
I have read is Daniel Deronda.'
A Boston doctor advertises for a wife
who, among other qualifications, must
have less brains than the advertiser
Should think he would have great diff
Guilty in finding such woman-outside
of an insane asylum Norristown
Herald.
"Do you think" asked college stu
dent of a professor of theology, "that
the lion and the lamb have never vet
lain down together?" II don't know"
answered the professor, "but if they
have, l have no doubt that the lamb was
missing from that date"
A woman will work month to fabri-
cate delicate protection for a chair, and
then when it is in place an edict is
promptly issued forbidding any man
sitting in that chair, through fear of
spelling the tidy. It's the best chair
protector that possibly could be desired.
Il Rockland Courier.
Boston Post: It is said that two French
philosophers have kept nine hogs drunk
for year, as a scientific experiment.
That's just the way some folks cast their
pears before swine. Why couldn't they
have let some New York men have the
fun of the experiment?
Passion for the antique: "What in the
world could that pretty Miss Young see
in old Gray 1 wonder?' remarked lady
in horse car yesterday. II don't know
unless she fell in love with him as an es-
pecially old antique. She's an enthusi-
astic collector you know"
A voice from the Waste Paper Basket
OF Punch-Cynical and waggish friend,
to editor: II suppose you often get good
things sent your Editor (incautiously):
Occasionally. Cynical wag: "Ah, but
they never appear" Chuckles. Edi-
tor: $50 disappointed contributors al.
ways tell me-" Exit separately.
Boston Courier: A little girl in Bos-
ton calls one of her dolls, jointless
creature, "her woman's right doll. ""But
why do you call her so p asked her aunt,
lecturer upon that much-discussed
question. ooh, cause, Aunt H." the
child answered, "she's just like you; she
can't ever sit down and be comfortable. !"
A Chicago society offered, last year. q
prize of 500 for the best treatise on the
question, "How best to destroy rats. :"
The prize has just beer awarded to DR..
Burnett, of Philadelphia, who answered:
Increase the number of cats" Bril-
liant! Brilliant Now they ought to offer
O reward for the best receipt for destroy
ing cats, 30 the doctor can say: "In
crease the number Of bootjacks."
Boston Commercial Bulletin: els your
programme full, Miss Beedecrusher?'
n vounrr ,,,ov, ~ Woakoru Ior,oa1