Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1881-02-17
PITH AND POINT.


WHAT this country wants is a paten Mt
automatic telephone answerer.
PEOPLE with badly-ventilated coal
cellars are not admirers of Voltaire.
THE only hand in this world which
blesses those who grasp it is afull hand.
SMALL dishes are decorated so hand
somely now that pickles look unhappy
in them.
THERMOMETERS reform late in life
they never become temperate until near
ly go.
WHY is the American stage like the
American eagle? Because it has wings,
and flies, of course.
THE principal of young ladies' SEM
mary in Syracuse has so exhaustingly
inflicted her pupils with department
that, when left alone, he girls of 1e act
like sixty.
"Do You favor my suit p said CTaude
to Angelina, the other day. Yes, was
the crushing reply, 81 look with moro
favor ON the new clothes than 1 do On
the owner.
EVEN the wisest is sometimes a fool.
For example, the philosopher who wore
his spectacIes when he was asleep that
he might recognize friends he might see
In his dreams.
INDIANA has law to prevent weak
minded persons marrying A crusty
bachelor insinuates that the weak mind
ed are the only persons who ever think
Of doing such thing.
FATHEF TINE is pictured as an old
and bald-headed gentleman, but he man.
ages to skip around quite lively, all the
same, in spite of being handicapped by
agricultural implements.
AN exchange frantically asks: care
blacksmiths who make a living by forg-
ing, or carpenters who do a little coun-
terfitting, any worse than men who sell
iron and steel for lving?"
A BACHELOR at a banquet in New
castle, Eng, gave the following toast:
THE women and coal of Durham coun-
ty. Oh, now desolate our iresides
would be without them
VENICE is the richest city in Isaly-lt
is almost free from debt. And With all
those canals, too The Venetian Alder
men and State Legislators are fearfully
behind the age.Puck.
AN impairment fop made sport of an
DID farmers large nose, mouth, and
chin; but the old farmer silenced him by
saying, Your nose, mouth, an chin
all had to be made small so at there'd
be material left for your cheek"
IT tales country school-master for
shrewdness. When the weather is cold
and the school-house imperfectly heated
he puts the head of the class nearest
the stove, and then all the scholars work
like blazes to rank high in their studies.
A GENTLEMAN once remarked toa witty
lady of his acquaintance that he must
have been born with q silver spoon in
his mouth. She looked Mt him care
fully, and, noting the size of his mouth.
replied, 81 don't doubt it but it must
have been a soup-ladle"
AFTER all the evidence was in, Gal
weston Judge asked the accused, who
was charged with stealing watch, if he
had anything more to offer. 81 did
have an old silver watch to offer you,
ledge, but my lawyer borrowed it, and
hasn't brought it back yet. "-Galuestoa
Netcs.
MANY physicians claim that intempcr-
ance is disease. 1t must be con-
tagious, then at any rate, man who
gets drunk finally catches It When he
goes home. There may appear to be
some little discrepancy or contradic-
ton here, but we can't stop for that
now.
"YEs, remarked musical critic. re-
Gently from Kansas, "the fiddlin' was
bully; but tell you when that fat chap
with the big mustache laid hold of the
bass fiddle and went for them low notes
in the violin-cellar, / Just felt as if a
buzz-saw was a playin Yankee Doodle
on my backbone.
TWAS Sunday eve and the small boy stood
With his eye to the keybole pressed
Andh saw his sister Bessy's head
On Absalom Thonpson's vest
Then he ran to hia parent steIn and told
And the parent stern replied;
There amt no harm In vest; slide out"
But the lad refused to slide
There amt no harm in u vest know
And his eyes flashed bright that minute
"But isnt i dangerous, dad, he asked,
When Absalom Thompso1's in it,
OUTRAGE by policeman: Sam john
sing was up again yesterday. "What
brings you here this timer" asked the
Recorder. Ode pliceman, sab: de
same what .brung me heah last time. -
90 mean what did you do?" al vas
jess passin' grocery store, when l
struck my head agin ham what was
hanging by de dore. / tuck de ham
down to put it somewhares whar it
would be safe from folks Dustin their
brains out it, when de fust knowed
q pliceman tried to get de ham away
from me, and becase ] wouldn't let de
ham go he Jess brung me along. too"
A YOUNG fellow in Iuwa City Objected