davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
ADVICE TO APPLICANTS FOE on.
FICE.

ADVICE TO APPLICANTS FOR or
FICE.
Nathaniel Hawthorn had some expert
ence as an oficeholder, and the advice
he gave his friend Stoddard, in 1853,
may be worth the attention of patriots
to-day. He wrote: "When applying
for Office, if you are conscious of any
deficiencies (moral Or educational, or
whatever else), keep them to yourself,
and let those find them out whose busi-
ness it may be. For example, supposing
the Office of translator to the State De-
partment to be rendered to you. Ac-
cept it boldly, without limiting that your
acquaintance with foreign languages
may not be the most familiar. If this
unimportant fact be discovered after
ward, you can be transferred to some
more suitable post. The business is to
establish yourself, somehow and any,
how. lhave had as many office-seekers
knocking at my door for three months
past as if I were a Prime Minister, so
that I have made good many scientific
observations in regard to them. The
words that Brandamante Il think it was)
read on the enchanted hall are, and
ought to be, their motto: BE bold, be
bold, and everywhere be bold.' But
over one door she read: BE not too
bold A. subtle boldness with q veil of
modesty over it is what is needed"
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
A NOVEL NEDICINE.

We were talking, enc day-a party O.
us on pleasure trip-about the amount
Of faith required, on the part of the pa
dent, to render the physicians medicine
OF avail. It was admitted, as q rule,
that where the patient had no confidence
in the attending physician, the admins.
tering Of the prescribed drugs would not
be likely to have full OF proper effect.
In short, faith alone oftentimes had
power to work cure in spite Of nedi-
cine
By.and-by, when there had come g lit
tie lull, one Of the party-a white-haired
old man, Of more than three-score-and-
ten-who had gained widespread rep
utahon for Judgment and skill, both as
surgeon and physician, said he would
like to tell us story. Said he:
II once knew physician-one Of the
eclectic schools sort of all-sorts-who
furnished his own medicines. He al
ways visited his patients in his own
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
WOMAN rs an INVENTOR.

Some time since DR.. CLARK, of Troy,
published series of political articles,
or pamphlets, in which he demonstrated
the unfitness of women for exercising the
right Of voting by urging, among other
things, their lack Of invention, insisting
that to the better sex had not been given,
apparently, the power to invent any of
the numberless household appliances
which have found their way into Amer
lean homes. The subject has since been
discussed, and it is mentioned that
women obtain from the United States
Government an average Of about sixty
patents yearly. As might be expected,
most of them relate to tightening wom-
ems work. Among them are a jar
litter, bag-holder,::a pillow-sham hold
er, dress protector, two dustpans, a
washing-machine, futing iron, dress
chart, fish boner, a sleeve adjuster, q
lap table, a sewing machine treadle, a
wash-basin, an iron heater, and irons, q
garment stifener, afolding chair, ward
robe bed, weather-strip, churn, an
invalid's bed, a strainer, milk-cooler, a
sofa-bed, dipper, paper dish and q
plating device. In patent lawsuit, q
woman (Helen M. McDonald) conduct
ed her own case and won it, establishing
her right to her skirt protector, planting
an injunction on bold infringement,
and utterly routing one of the most dis
tinguished Of the patent.law barristers,
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
WHAT rs A GENTLEMAN9


The New York Journal Of Commerce,
in reply to correspondent who asks II
a man who lives by manual labor is on
titled to be called gentleman, says {:
"We answer hAtaccording to Webster
the title is applied to men Of education
and good breeding, no matter what their
occupation. It is not 80 in England, A.
though the limits are not as narrow now
as formerly, when Tomlin's Law Diotion-
airy, standard authority, defined tho
word as including all above the rank Of
yeomen; and more imposing authority
still gave the following: "A gentleman
is one who, without any title, bears .
coat Of arms Sir Thomas Smith, 6ec-
rotary of State to Queen Elizabeth, in
his celebrated work entitled The Com
mon Wealth Of England gave moro
graphic definition Of gentleman as the
title was understood in his day who
soever studieth in the laws Of the realme.
who studieth in the universities, Who
professeth liberal science, and, to b
short, who can live idlely, and without
manual labor, and we'll beaxe the post,
charge and oountsnanos Of . gentleman,
he shall be called master, and ahall be.
taken for . gentleman &
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
COAKBE IND THE LAR6.

AAA0A400
While George Combe was preparing
his work on moral philosophy he lost no
opportunity to study human nature in
its manifold phases. 1t is related of him
that on one occasion he had gathered
three notorious liars into company for
the purpose Of seeing how they would
take it, and what answer they would
give if he should request them to tell
each one lie for his benefit. he told
them frankly that he was writing work
on human nature and the springs Of hui
man action, and he was curious to SEQ
how big lie man could tell when he
tried.
"Now look you" said he; "to tho
man of you who shall tell mo the great
est, the most barefaced lie, I win give .
ha]f-crown."
Said the first man:
eyer Honor, I can't do it. Inever
told lie in my Me."
Said the second:
"Bless your soul, siri I don't know
no more how to tell lie than q nursin'
infant
While the third man capped the oli-
max thus:
"Well, seein' as how't my two COM
panions have told yer Honor only the
solemn truth, don't sec as I've got
anything to do, only to hold my
tongue" ,.r,-:
Combe awarded the prize to the last
speaker.-Nesv York Ledger.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
on bread and real Cheddar cheese.
There is no better food in the world
few foods so good, and we have been
throwing it all away like idiots"
THE TIMETABLE NAN.

There is probably no man more know
ing, not to say real "cute," than the
man who studies railway time tables and
has them by heart. The number of
timetables he can devour is something
enormous, and would discourage the
goat who obtains his three or four meals
a day from the fences that hold up cir
Gus. posters. This man talks very little
except timetables. You meet him near
a railway accident, and say to him, my
friend, at what time did this train run
off the track?" He invariably asks
back, "Do you mean No. 29~ "No,"
you say, "this train that ran off the
track" "Oh!' he exclaims, snow I
begin to understand you, and I will tell
you the particulars. No. 10 had the
right of way, and No. 65 ran off the
track near Hackensack bridge, and No.
81 jumped the switch, and % is taking
water at the tank. At the same time 8
may come along on SIS track" Then
you look solemnly at the man and say,
"Does this train go to Smithville ?"
II do not know" he says, "but I think
No. goes west. "--Ne,O York Herald.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

Mrs. ANNA STILES had two neighbors
at South Windsor, o., whom she hated,
and sent them two packages Of poisoned
candy by mail. Two families were made
dangerously i'll, but only one life was
lost. Mrs. Stiles was arrested, but be-
fore the time for her trial she became
insane. That was nine years ago. Now
the physicians of the asylum in which
abe has spent the interval pronounce
her fully recovered, and she is to be
tried for the crime which, she says.
seems to her to have been committed
only yesterday.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
TIE 11OTIM Of sLANDER,


In the course of my researches at the
State Fair, I naturally devoted some at
tention to the apartments occupied by
the swine. Never was Imore impressed
with the gross and grievous injustice
that has been done to these our fellow
mortals. As I saw them lying in the
enjoyment Of innocent felicity Though
unconscious Of their blessings); as I
watched the faces, unfurrowed by care
or guilt; as remarked them, in the e.
ercise of uncalculating benevolence, eat
ing for the good of others, putting upon
their ribs and on their quarters the de-
posits which others will enjoy after they
(the swine) shall have passed away, I
could hardly repress my tears. Espe-
cially was moved when I recalled the
odium which is undeservedly heaped
upon them.
When a man does particularly-mean
and selfish thing, we call him hog.
But why thus malign the animal Pray,
is hog ever seen walking along the
sidewalk splitting out great floods of
nastiness, that the ladies must wade
through? Does hog ever come as a
guest to the house of friend and smoke
till the whole house is poisoned for days
after? Does hog ever get on the rail-
road cars and put down his or her valise
on the seat, and then lie when asked If
the seat is engaged? Does hog go to
party and fill his pocket with bon-bons
and the like, when there are only enough
for the ladies? Does hog go to this
church and that church, and sit in the
best pews, and hear the best of the
preaching, and get out Of paying any
thing for ii? Does hog regularly bor-
row his neighbours newspaper? Did
anybody ever hear of hogs docking off
of the minister's salary the full value of
all the little presents that were made
him by personal friends? Pray, when
did body of hogs ever go to donation
party and eat more than they. carried?
This list Of inquiries might be extend
ed almost without limit. But I forbear.
feeling that I have already indicated the
vast load Of unjust obloquy which has
been heaped on this innocent creature.
N. B.-The same remarks might be
applied with suitable changes) to the
class of beasts. How often do we char
acterize as 6eastly acts which the beasts
would not think Of performing. I am
quite clear that an action for libel would
lie in favor Of the beasts, and especially
the hogs, against the human race
Req. Phileta&s Dobbs.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
A CONSPZRAEH OF ONE.

Ono of the oldest bubbles of the
bubble fruitful law is that known to
this day among lawyers as the "single
conspirator." While Burke and Hare
were manufacturing subjects for the
Scotch medical schools a horrible hag
entered the shop of surgeon apothe-
cary in On Irish town, and offered to sell
him subject. He was ready enough
to buy one, but by no means prepared
to learn that the subject commodity in
question was yet alive in the person of
9-year-old boy, her grandson, who
was waiting for her outside.
II didn't want to kill him, SIR" she
said, "bekase, you see, if I didn't
sell him to wanst he'd Spite, it's SO hot. J"
Determined that such an atrocity
should be punished, the doctor told her
to call next day when he wasn't too busy
to talk to her. He then had a police
man hidden under the counter. In his
hearing the harridan explained her plan
to slap a pitch plaster over her victims
mouth, and suffocate him in a tub Of
water. The officer, when she had fin
ished, pounced upon and arrested her,
and she was brought to trial.
But here came the difficulty.
She had killed no one, so she was not
guilty Of murder. It must therefore be
conspiracy to kill, but single person
cannet conspire it takes at least two.
In order to secure an Indictment it
would be necessary to include the sur
geon in it. But this would be manifest
~ unfair, and, after keen argument by
shrewd lawyer, who took the case up
out Of sheer devilHy, the crone was act
ually discharged, and probably went in
search Of new customer for her ..sub-
iect."
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
AREULULAL EYES.

Artificial eyes have been used from
the remotest times, and it is said that
they have been found among the num-
mics Of ancient Egypt. The artificial
eye is not globe, but is . mere shell.
Some are 70 we'll made and 30 carefully
adapted that they escape detection not
only by casual observers but also by
doctors conversapt with the strides
made Of late years in this department.
It is essential that the eye should not be
too thick, on account Of it's weight, and
it must not be too thin, or it will 30
brittle. There are many advantages in
wearing false eye after the true one IL
lost. It keeps the eyelids in their proper
position, it prevents the lashss from
turning inward and producing irritation,
and It prevents foreign bodies from en-.
tering the eye. Many ! servant wears
an artificial eye without his employer
being aware Of il.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
WANTED TO SEE THE BILL.

WANTED 70 SEE THE BILL,
A well-dressed couple, in tho prime Of
life, stopped at q hotel in town not .
thousand miles from Chicago, and, send
ing for Justice Of the Peace, informed
that functionazy that they wished to be
married.
"Au right" said tho Justice.
Then he inquired their names, and.
on being told, it struck him that he had
performed the Same service for the lady
some years before. Upon inquiring II
such was the case, the lady replied:
eyes, cir, have been married pro-
viously."
"Have you . bill from your former
husband7" asked the Justice.
eyes,"
This being satisfactory, the ceremony
was performed, and the couple were de-
clared man and wife.
As they were about departing, tho
Justice, who had never seen bill Of d.
vorce, and who had strong desire to
behold one Of the documents, thought
this an excellent opportunity to satisfy
his curiosity. he. therefore, said to tho
lady, "You say you have q bill from
your former husband2"
"Oh yea" ..- -,....
"Have you any objections to allowing
me to see the bill?"
"Oh none whatsoever"
And, stepping to the door, and calling
to little boy, some or 4 years Of age,
who had been left in the carriage, abe
said, "Hers, Bill, come here quick !;
here's gentleman that wishes to sec
you"
The gentleman wilted
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
0HEDDAR rs. FACTORY-MADE
CHEESE,

CHEESE.
Archdeacon Denison, of the Church Of
England, has written the following let.
ter on the subject of cheese making:
II doubt my being able to be of serv.
Ice to you in this matter. Where farm.
ers have come to know that cheese facto-
r1es are great mistake, as 7 have al
ways judged them to be, they are recall
ing cheese making into their own fami-
lies, which was the way in which all good
Cheddar cheese used to be made, and
must be made, if it is to preserve it's
character and price. Home making and
no artificial drying are the two principal
elements of good cheese making. It is
almost inconceivable that any farmers in
the Cheddar cheese country should have
thrown into the ditch all their valuable
monopoly by allowing themselves to be
deceived by the American example into
artificial drying and rapid sale. A real
Oheddar should not be eaten until eight
cen months from date of making, and is
best at two years from it. No American
or factory-made cheese smells sweetly
after six months, when it is race be-
tween the men and the maggots. The
public generally have been taken in be-
cause ninety-nine out Of a hundred who
buy cheese never buy a whole cheese,
but bunch Of cheese, and then eat it
up before they find out how badly made
and how nasty it is. There is no coun-
try in Europe, or out of it, that can
make prime Cheddar cheese except Som
erset, and it is the worst folly to go and
throw away monopoly, being natu-
raj gift. We had better go back and, if
need be, live on bread and water two
years that in the third year we and our
customers may be able once more to live
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

THOUGH man without money is
poor, q man with nothing but money is
still poorer. Worldly gifts cannot bear
up the spirits from fainting and sinking
when trials and troubles come, any more
than headache can be cured by a golden
crown, az taothache by chain of pearls.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
HARRLSON'S INAU0 URATION.

HARRlSON'S lNAUGURATION.
Gen. Harrison entered the city of
Washington after his election in 1871.
Men now 40 years old were babies at
the spoon. He required four or five
days to come from Cincinnati to the cap
ital, travelling fast, and stopped with W.
W. Seaton, the Wing Mayor of the city,
in the rear of the present Postofice De-
partment. The house is now full of
claim agents and stool-pigeons as hive
is full of cells. Thence Harrison set out
for the Capitol, and made his sopho-
moric address, full Of reference to the
Greeks and Romans, and of uncertain
convictions on the topics of the day.
Washington letter.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

A YOUNG man who had inherited the
day before large fortune from his uncle
gave. "a dinner to . few friends. He In
quired at the restaurant If they had some
old cheese. EYES," replied the waiter.
lis it strong7" "Snong enough to
bring the dead to lfe." II don't want
it," replied the heir.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
WHOLE NUMBER 1863.
a1klsuia EM 1EL

The expression $50 pour oil ON tho
troubled waters " i generally rea(pded
- metaphor or figure Of speech, illus
trating tho action OF some persuasive
peaoemaker, softening the angry pas
dons Of oontending disputants. On the
other hand, the mollify ing influence Of
oleaginous liquids upon the waves was
long ego demonstrated q . scientific
fact, and the equinoctih gales would
probably have been kept In subsection
ere now, on the high seas, but for the
uncertainty Of the weather and the esti-
mated expense Of oiling. an area a. linn
tied even a. the Bay Of Bisoey. It would
appear, however, that gentleman Of
Perth has solved the problem of econ.
omy Is applied to greasing the sea, and
that in future ships may carry With
them, at comparatively triding cost,
sufficient quantity Of oil TO nullify the
rigon Of the 6eroest cyclone. 4 North
ean contemporary states that series Of
experiments have taken place in the
north harbor, Peterhead, With the most
satisfactoey results. The experimental
LIT filed some bottles full Of oil and sank
them to the bottom Of tho harbor while
gale was blowing. Presently the oil
was released, and, floating to the top Of
the raging pillows, stilled them Is If by
. miracle. As consequence Of this ex-
pertinent, it is thought in the neighbor-
hood Of Perth that oil can be laid ON
continuously by pipes to the bars Of ell
exposed harbofs, 20 as to enable vessels
to gain port in safety in the midst Of
the most violent hurricanes. Tho inven-
ton would be invaluable Il applied to
the channel passage in dirty weather.
Day by day We eze taught that there are
no bounds to tho conquest Of science
over nature, and, now that We can oil
out tho ugly wrinkles of the stormy
ocean, We need not despair of being able.
sooner or later, to warm tho North pole
with otherwise waste steam, and fertil-
ize the Great Desert by artificial ivriga-
tion.-London Telegraph.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

chaise, and carried with him two-and
often three good-sized trunks, contain.
ing the roots and herbs, and other sub
stances which he used as curative agents..
One day he took it into his head that he
would save certain medicines not entire
~ consumed by his patients, and put
them all together in single bottle, and
label it All Sorts He had a curiosity
to see what he would get at the end of
the year. And, to this end, when he
saw that q patient was Commissioning, OF,
ON the other hand, approaching dissolu-
ton, he would caution the nurse to pre-
serve such medicines as might be left
on hand after they had ceased being ad-
ministered. A large bottle was pro-
vided, labeled as I have said, and into
it the medicines-the doses-as returned
to him by the nurses, were put; and in
the course of a year he had filed the
bottle. :.
Within week Of the expiration Of
the year, and the filing Of the bottle.
our physician had case that puzzled
him. 1t was a chronic complaint
sort Of all-goneneas the patient law
yer. The eclectic determined to try his
All-tSorts. Said he to the ailing man:
Look you, my dear sir; have medi-
cine which I am going to try in your
Casa medicine for which I have no
name, and which I have never used
but I have faith to believe that it can
perform wonders. Iwant you to give il
fair trial.
"And he brought a vial Of the hodee-
podge, and gave it to the lawyer, bid
ding him take it regularly-te drops
at a dose-three times day, and, At the
same time, he gave particular directions
respecting diet.
'tAnd now, gentlemen, I an going to
tell you what I know to be true. With
in month that patient was entirely
cured. He pronounced tho strange
medicine to be the most wonderful stuff
he had ever taken. And he recon.
mended 1t to others, and from that time,
when that physician has found . case
that puzzled him-e case without .
name-he has given that wonderful
medicine, and I can assure you that in
nine cases in ten it has worked like 4
charm. The happy compounder Of that
novel medicine reigiously believes that
there is virtue in it, and his patients be-
ieve it likewise"
"And what do you think, doctorf"
asked one Of his hearers.
"Why," he replied, "to me it il
simple enough. The cases cured have
been old, chronic ailments, requiring
only rest and proper diet for cure.
The rest and diet he had been careful to
prescribe, and the medicine has not
prevented recovery. And yet, very
likely those same persons would not
have recovered had not the medicine
been given. Faith did much Of tho
work, as it always must, and always
will."-Nes0 York Ledger.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
n JUVENILE SERMON.

Our little ones sometimes speak tell
ing truths. Leaving home, one morn
ing, for the Office, we kissed our Agar
old goodby, saying to him, "Be good
boy to-day" II will. Be agood man,
papa" Sure enough, we thought. We
need the exhortation more than he.
And who could give it more effectually
than this guileless prattler? The words
OF the little preacher rang in our ears
all day, and, we hope, were not without
their effect upon our actions.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
The gentleman Wilted.

In France many professors Of the art
OF cooking feed . family for 80 much 9
day and an additional sum for each
guest. They bring the provisions, sub
NIT menu, which may be changed, and
send a cook to live in the house. Ats
dinner party they or their aids supertp-
tend. They are answerable for tho
cook.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

A NOTION seller was Offering Yankee
clock, finely vanished and colored and
with looking. glass in front, to GER
tain lady, not remarkable for personal
beauty. "Why, it is beautiful" re-
sponded the vender. Beautiful, in
deed a look at it almost frightens me-"
said the lady. "Then, marm," said
Jonathan, II guess you'd better take
one that amt got no looking-glass.'
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

IT is about as hard to find q girl
whose marriage is announced in the
newspapers who isn't beautiful and
accomplished" as it is to find man who
has just died who wasn't ''honored and
respected by all who knew him."
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
Miss T. Westphal,

Keeps on hand a large and we'll
assorted stock of MILLINERY, FANCY
GOODS and zEPHR WOOL, opposite the
Union Hotel, between second and
Third North streets.
NEW ULM, -MINN.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

ANTHONY TRo11oP1, after much writ
ing, rides for hours on gray cob and
plays afternoon whist at the Atheneum
Club.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06

Burns. swellings. &C., cured BY D,
Baker 9 Turkish linimont.''
Sold by, Jos. Bobleter. -
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-04-06
Bruises, sprajus.

4 IAwY1R's advice il oe greater v,luo
than . friends. He charges for Il