Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1881-11-30
FUNNYGRAPHS.

A RETIRED prize-fghter asserts that
"a belt In machine shop is worth two
in the mouth"
IT is said that during eight years
Lord Nelson never washed his hands.
He must have been afraid the water
would rust his nails.
CHARLES LAMB said that the water
cure was neither new nor wonderful. but
as old as the deluge, which in his opinion
killed more than it cured.
CREMATION is becoming more and
more popular in Hungary. It will soon
be common thing for corpses to be de-
voured by the Hungary fame.
EVERY man thinks there are three
things without which the world would
come to standstill. First, the sun.
second, the moon; and third, himself.
1T is said that the laws of New York
very closely resemble sausages. You
have great respect for them till you
know how they are made.-Ch0t 6y the
Way.
A LITTLE child was addressed by
gentleman, the other day. Chow old
are you, my dear % he asked. cold I"
said the child, Indignantly, Sim not old
at all. I'm quite newt"
A SPRINGFIELD dairyman furnished
butter to circus company, recently,
and wanted to get in on the strength of
it. The ticket agent examined the but
ter and granted the request
"WHosoEvER shall smite thee ON the
right cheek, turn to him the other also"
is q Biblical expression. In modern
parlance it is termed ga reversible
cuff. !"
81 NEVER argy agin success" said
Artemus Ward. "When I see a rattle
snaix's head sticking out ov hole, I bear
off to the left and say to myself, that
hole belongs to the snaix.'"
In the country: Wife - "John, I
hear something out at the spring, I'm
sure [ do" John-"Oh, don't be
troubled; it's only hare trying to get
into the butter"
A NURSE was telling about man who
had become SO terribly worn out by dis
sipation that he could not keep any food
on his stomach, when one of her listen
ers asked, "What does he live on,
then 2" ION his relations, ma'am." an
swercd the nurse.
Keeling along till he reached the foot
path, drunken man put his hand on the
shoulder of passer-by. 81 say, mis-
ter, which is t'other side of the street ?"
"Why, over there " said the man ap-
pealed to, pointing to the opposite side.
"Why-why-hic- what the chap
told me over therei"
HIS moneys worth: Skiggins sits up
rather late nights, and Mrs. s. finds
FAULT with his using 80 much gas. He
told her he couldn't allow any gas COM
pany to get the best of him-he paid for
his gas and was bound to get the worth
of his money.
AN editor out west announced that he
would cease to publish the big takes of
game from hunters, unless he should
share some of it. The next day he had
carted to the door of his residence a
dozen blackbirds and dead mule. The
very next day he wrote: "Never mind
the game-notices will be published as
usual"
"I KNOW" said the little girl to her
elder sisters young man at the supper
table, "that you will join our society
for the protection of little birds, be-
cause mamma says you are very fond of
larks." Then there was silence, and
the Limburger cheese might have been
heard scrambling around In its tin box
on the cupboard shelf Baltimore
american.
"GIvE examples" said on old back
number on the board of examiners, adj
dressing the ensign, "of different degrees
of velocities of motion ?" "Well," the
ensign said, "the swiftest motion is that
of light, and the slowest, by several hum
dred degrees, is promotion They sent
him back two years. "That, young
man, the examiners told him, ''gives
you an idea of retrogr essive notion
Burlington HosOkeye.
Boston has. Analysed her drinking
water, and the Globe Of that city prints
map of the result, which is quite an
interesting menagerie. Among the ami
malcul9 shown we recognize the skele-
tons of the megatterium, the glyptodon,
the ichthyosaurus, the plesiosaurus and
the pterodactyl, all of which lived before
| the food. The vegetable matter brought
to light by the microscope includes what
appears to us to be broken cart-whee1,
a section of stove-pipe, prize beet, a
clothes-horse and an old saddle. We are
not surprised that the temperance party
in Massachusetts is making progress
backward. -NorristOaUa Herald.
MEMBER of the G. A. R.: &c Father"
began young Detroiter the other even
ing, "were you in the war % eyes,
my son." "Was it awfuI?" 60 Yes"
"Lots of dead and wounded men ?"
eyes," "Did you kill many ?" "Wen,
I shouldn't like to answer that question"
care you very modest, pap "I hope
L am too modest to brag." "That was
what Mr.. Smith meant, then, when he
said you had no war record to brag of. /"
"He did, Ell? Smith is a liar"
'That's what thought. He told the
men thatyou ran SO fast that he couldn't
catch you on horseback, and any any
body knows that horse can catch
man with stiff knee.-Detroit Free
Press.
In making up his forms, the foreman
q MT Il Il.