The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-01-26
WIT AND W1sD0M.

1 RsS.sat1c' ettu0fs - x2VStVH fT0Hacf1pt.
Grace" am going to see Clara to. dav.
Have you any message? Z Charlotte--ssT
wonder how you can visit that dreadful Girl.
Give her my love-"
"Why should we celebrate washineton.s
birthday any more than mine . asked a
teacher. " Because he mover told lie.n
shouted little boy.
He came in the other day, and taking a
seat at desk, asked Well, what shall I
write aboutp" The editor told him he had
better right about face.
A London eabmap called out after a smart
dapper little gentleman who affects part,cu-
larry large hats, /" Come ant Of that hat. win
yer? knows yerin it, COS sees yer feet.r
The only known way to mako pickles keen
rs to lock them up in the store closet and then
throw away the key. Many other methods
have been tried, but this is the only practical
one. les - SIS
Extract from a letter from Angelina
Dear Henry, yon ask If return your love.
Yes, Henry, have no use for it, and return
it, with many thanks. By-by, Henry
Boston Transcript.
A Manayunk girl found set of the Chinese
Encyclopaedia in her stocking Christmas morn
ing. The Chinese Encyclopedias is very
valuable work. comprising 1916 Volumes
Norristopa Herald
gentleman noted for his punctuality, one
day sat on chair containing watch. When
demonstrated with for doing such careless
thing, be remarked: swell, can't help it
I'm always on time ~
j A writer with decidedly level head gives
us this bit of wisdom. The man who
stops his paper to economics, is like a man
who goes barefoot to save his shoes" If YOU
have home paper patronize it.
The inhabitants of Madagascar are diving
to get hold of an American ship captain who
has sold them ten thousand quart cans Of to-
matoes as new kind of gunpowder. Their
old blunderbusses wouldn't go off.
An American actor says that what English
audiences demand is something to make them
laugh. Then they ought to see a man trying
to carve sixteen year old turkey with a
dull knife. -Phsla. Chronicle Herald.
1t lie said the Esquimaux know nothing of
the magnetic needle. This is very strange
when we consider the fact that 1t Is always
N poiutfug towards them yet.they don't see
shA refss.-- oatt'naorc E0cry Saturday.
A Nevada Girls Love Letter" Dear
Jimmy It's all up. We amt going to get
married. Ma says you're too rough, and
guess she's right Pm so sory--but can't
you go to Europe and get filed DOWN"
cat First Hand. Country Connoisenr--
"Now, are you quite sure those are real
schromos ?" Country Dealer draper and
grocer, ETC., y" Oh yes, sir; we always has
'em direct from his studor, sir.'--Panch.
81 never thought but once, " said old Dea-
con Webbing, that 1t was sin to steal an
umbrella" "And when was that y asked
a friend. alt was when some pesky thief
stole my new silk one," answered the deacon.
A young man who was kicked off the front
doorstep while endeavoring to serenade his
girl, by her enraged papa, was too cautious to
call him an old pirate, but he didn't hesitate
to designate him as a free booter - Gin. Sat
arday Night.
A meddlesome old woman was sneeriug ut
a young mothers awkwardners with her in
FAINT, and said I: ~ declare, woman
oughn't to have baby unless she knows how
to hold it." Nor tongue either was the
quiet rejonder.
1t kind Of took fellow down to 60 to
church yesterday morning and after flourish
ing about Christmas handkerchief for some
time to discover label on the corner of it
bearing the legend "35c. Warranted fast
colors. - LosoeU Citssen.
The criminal Law Magazine says: IA
long winded lawyer lately defended criminal
unsucccssfully, and during the trial the judgo
received the following note The prisoner
humbIy prays that the time occupied by the
plea of the counsel of the defense be counted
in his sentence"
There are none so deaf as those who won't
hear. a Father" said young reprobate
, pitching his voice SO the old gentleman would
be sure to hear, let me have one hundred
dollars" 'sEh9" said the parent, inclinng
his ear. "Lct me have two hundred dol
lars" IL heard you quite distinctly the first
time, my son, quite distinctly. "-NeO Harsn
Register.
We have discovered why young ladies have
become SO fond of wearing long fringe. Re-
Gently, 10 a crowd, gentleman's coat button
became tightly entangled in the fringe of a
young lady's dress q 1t is evident" be said,
, smiling, that am very much attached to
you, and that cannot make up my mind to
tear myself away" Fringy, but fact
Philadelphia Sun.
fashionable Boston lady was unexpected
ly left without servant. She undertook to
make her husband cup of coffee, but it took
so long he asked what in Halifax was the
matter with the coffee. II don't know, !"
she said, bursting into tears I've boiled
these beans for full hour, and they are no
softer now than when first put them in the
pot. p GdIUeston Netos.
Most unfortunate Battle McScrew TO
Smith, who is on a short visit to the North) |:
SAN what are We daen tomorrow NIGHT,