Democratic messenger., 1881-10-15
WIT ANB WISDOM.

IN yourself.
The schooner which carries a man
"half seas over" is not usually small
or safe vessel.
THAT kind of inane fattery, which,
in the popular slang, is known as
soft soap, is made of very powerful lie.
ANOTHER gorilla has arrived in Eng
land. Darwin has taken him to board
and promised to look up the family rec
ord.
"I KNOW" said tourist in New
Jersey, "that the owner of that farm
was famous apple stealer when he was
a boy. He keeps two dogs in his
orchard"
"YoUR handwriting is very bad, said
a gentleman once to public official.
" Yes" he replied "but don't you see,
if l were to write better, people would
find out how spell"
WHEN Rothschild was asked whether
he would not like to become temporal
King of the Jews in Palestine, "Oh,
no, said he, &" would rather be Jew
of the Kings than King of the jews"
In the oil countries large quantities
of gas are used for fuel man who
uses it in his cooking stove was asked
the other day why he did so, and re-
piled Because it splits so much easier
than wood"
A MAN who is compelled to wear
false proboscis had it stolen one day.
The thief was caught. and on being
brought before the Judge inquired bit
terly if a man was to blame for having a
hooked nose.
| A DowN-EAsr editor said he was in O
boat when the wind blew hard, but he
was not at all alarmed, because he had
his life insured =" he never had any
thing happen to him by which he could
make any money"
UNDER certain circumstances men
change even their physical natures in
simultaneously. Go up to the tallest man
in the community, ask him In a sweet,
necromantic voice to lend you SIS and
you will suddenly find him very short
indeed.
A VERY absent-minded man, who often
asked friend to dine with him, but al
most always forgot to be himself at home
ON the day named, meeting his friend in
the street said Come and dine with
me on Thursday" and added, graciously,
81 will be there"
ALPHoNsE KARR, talking of food adul-
teration, remarked: "It's very curious,
isn't it If [ poison my grocer, the
very hghtest sentence would be hard
labor for life but if my grocer poisons
me-ah, that's different thing he is
fined forty francs"
"IsN'T it heavenly ?" said Miss Silly
billy to Mr.. Polo. "What ?" he asked.
"Why, the moon" "Oh, yes, just too
utterly heavenly" "Oh, L do dote on
the moon, don't you?' eyes, it's
awfully nice, isn't, it and so splendidly
conspicuous, tool!
A YOUNG man calls himself an astron-
omer's assistant, and says he makes his
observations "on her fathers front
gate" One of these days he will get
the declination, and her father will come
out and give him the right ascension in
no minutes and three seconds.
A GENTLEMAN whose attention at
breakfast was apt to be monopolized by
reading the morning papers, remom-
strated with his wife for coming down
to breakfast in curl papers, when the
lady replied: " If you indulefriD your
papers, don't see why shouldn't en-
Joy mine.
The fact that the electric light is try
ing to blondes and favorable to bru-
nettes ought to settle the question of its
general use in this land of the free, the
Manchester Union thinks; because any
thing that discriminates against color
is contrary to the constitutional amend
ments.
SAID an auctioneer "Come, now,
ladies and gentlemen, these goods are
for sale. Will somebody give me bid?
Any thing, ladies and gentlemen? All L
want is an offer" "Alas % murmured
an elderly woman in the crowd, "that's
what L have been signing for all my
life."
HERE'S the worst yet: ga man in
Berks County has worn pair of stock
ings constantly for thirteen years."
Pretty durable stockings, but we should
think they would soon need washing.
Health journals say that stockings
should be changed at least once year,
on sanitary grounds alone.
WE suggest that the custom of treat
ing which obtains in the matter of
drinks and cigars, be lifted degree or
two and applied to the neces sSries of
life. For instance, going by a bakers
shop with friend: +" Come IN and have
a loaf" Nine times out of ten it would
strike your friend in a hungry and
grateful spot.
A GENTLEMAN troubled with 9 short
memory having acquired the bad habit
of turning down a leaf of a book so as
to remember where he left of, writes to
say that he never can recollect a street
that he's only been in once. How is he
to remedy this defect? Very simply:
let him do as he does with his books,
turn down a corner.
LIE CtdriUdri gives q scene between
the cook and the mistress in Paris.
"Suzanne, how is this ? Every day
have come into the kitchen this week
have found a fresh soldier there"
eyes, m. Please, m, it was-it was to
prove that the reactionary prints were
in error in declaring that the whole
army was in Africa p
WOULD you like to see the paper ?"
asked lymphatic looking gentleman at
the hotel, after he had kept the sheet
for nearly an hour. "Would you like
to see the paper? There's nothing in
it" "Seems to me-" replied Fogg,
somewhat ill-humoredly, perhaps, ''you