South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-07-22

just cmpticd Four-ycar-old JOHNNY
looks ut her q while and then blurts
ont: Say, Sis! Don't You wish YOU
could tura inside out, SOS you could
lick it.
A drygoods clerk, who had a most
outlandish way of walking, had TO go
10 81 distant part OF the store to find
some goods which party OF femi-
nine customers desired to see. walk
this way, ladies, he called, rs he swung
himself off. But we can't walk that
way cried pert miss; 'we never
learned that style, you know The
clerk is now drilling his tiba in tie
motions Of new gait.-Ncw Haven
Journal.
Clergyman NO, my dear, it is
impossible to preach any kind of n SER
mon TO such congregation Of asses.
Smart young lady: 'And that is why
you call them dearly beloved broth
rem
A Two-and-a-half-Dollar Christian.
There are great many people in
their religion that remind me Of 'Un-
Gle Phil, pious old daIlley of the
old times in Texas Well, Phil was
tervent Christian, with great gift of
prayer. He attended all the Saturday
night prayer meetings on the neigh
boring plantations, and could pray
louder and longer than any Of the
brethren. But Phil had one weak
ness--he dearly loved money, and,
different from the negro generally, he
loved to hoard it Near by us lived
a man who, not troubled about any
scruplcs, would pay Phil dollar TO
work IN his field ON Sundays. One
Sunday night as Phil came home after
dark | accostcd him with:
where have you been, Philip
oh, just knocking about, Massa.'
'You have been working for Miller
We'll, you see, Massa, the old fcl.
low is in needs, and he jest showed
me silver dollar, and jest couldn't
stand it,
'Ain't you afraid the devil will get
You for breaking the Sabbath p
Phil scratched his head minute
and said:
Il guess the LorI'll 'scuse me.
Massa'
No. lie says, Remember the Sab
bath day and keep it holy
Phil went off looking pretty sober,
and it was not long before | heard
his voice in fervent prayer back of the
barn, and so | thought | would slip
down near enough 10 hear.
90 Lord! | heard him say, 4 have
this day ripped and feared. cusacd and
swcared at them coniounded oxen Of
Miller'S, and jest broke the Sabbath
day. O Lord please forgive me
please forgive me, for you knows Is
nothing but miserable heather any
how. If you'll jest forgive me this
time I'll never do it again as long rs
/ live'cepting he give me two dollars
and Il half a day
At this point was obliged to beat
Il hasty retreat, but / am thinking
that poor Uncle Phil isn't the only
$3.50 Christian in the wovld.-Louis-
vile Christian Observer.
A Senatorial Tcctotalcr.- If not a
member OF the Congressional temper
ancc association Senator Garland. of
Arkansas-who is much brainier
man than he is rcputcd, and Jolly
good fellow, too-is a tectotaicr and
gives good reason for a departure
which WAS decidedly marked. Last
winter his fcllOW-scnator3 ramcl him
q good deal ON the change in his hab.
its, but lie gave a good, if a whmsi-
cal, reason, therefor; no, gentlemen,
there's nothing the matter with me.
but I've stopped. You know We had
q pretty hot canvass in Arkansas this
summer, and | went all over the State
stumping. We'll, | saw the graves of
q good many good fellows who began
with me, and who are now in the dark
valley or the light one, whichever it
may be, | saw the wrecks of other
men who started out with me to be
Jolly good fellows The graves and
the wrecks set me thinking. From
thinking ! began to calculate Well.
or @ rougl calculation, ] found that
| had already drank about q barrel
and half Of whisky moro than / was
entitled To-. Then said 90 myself
that II ] drank auy more J should Dc
drinking some othe. fellows whisky,
and q lidH'twapf 60 ID that, ] stop.
ped Ia.rololhlgs tha whole tory
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