The Dallas weekly herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1885, 1881-11-24
SUPPOSED WIT.

The man who itched for Office was elected
by scratching.
| "Pa, what is the difference between civil
ization and barbarism?"
Policeman Now then, move onl. There S
nothing the matter here"
! Sarcastic boy: "Of course there isn't.
| If there was, you wouldn't be here.
| When girl talks about two strings to
her beau, does she mean his suspendersP
| A plumber who was about to die said.
'My only regret at dying is because where
| [ am going water-pipes never freeze up"
The reason why so many authors are
spoken ofas dwelling in attics, is because
| SO few of them are able to live on their first
stories.
An ignorant old lady was asked by a
| minister visiting her, if she had religion.
She replied, 81 have slight touches of it oc-
casionally."
SIS that mule tame2" asked a farmer OF
an American dealer in domestic Quadru-
peds "He's tame enough in froliG,' an
swered the dealer.
| Some wives are merely burdens TO their
husbands. But wife who can keep the
house warm for a husband without a stove,
ought to be great help to him.
Civilization, my son, is blowing your
enemy to pieces with a bombshell at a
range of four miles. Barbarism is knocking
| his brains out at arm s-length with brutal
club"
.'Whon was young, man." says Bill
| lings, II was always in hurry to hold the
big end Of a log and do all the lifting; now
| am old, seize hold of the small end and
| do all the grunting."
If doctor goes out hunting and don't
"kill anything" his wife always blames
| him and says it wouldn't have happened so
| if he had stayed at home and attended to
| his legitimate business.
| A citizen of Dakota took a Turkish bath
in Omaha few days ago, and died within
an hour. The verdict of the jury was: "He
hadn't ought to have gotten so much mud
off of him at one time"
A tourist in Switzerland, findinga charge
in his bill for stationery, and being sure
that he had ordered none investigated the
matter and learned that the Stationery
was the ink and paper used in making out
his bill.
1t took Sir Isaac Newton less than three
years to thoroughly digest the principle of
gravitation, while an Indiana farmer has
spent eleven years in trying to find out why
a COW never kicks until the pail is two
thirds full.
"smith, didn't you tell me you some
times wrote for the paper?" "Oh, they
never publish them. You see, L don't
mind telling you, the editor told me my
articles were so solid he used them for pa
per weights"
A sarcastic Georgia editor, in noticing a
fair which recently came off in Macon, says:
zone of our contemporaries took y very
valuable premium but a meddlsome and
firm policeman made him put 1t right back
where he took it from"
A forlorn-loolling American said I've
tried everything could turn my hand to, but
couldn't make anything answer; and now
I'm going up among the rocks, where they
say there's wonderful echo, to see II can
make that answer"
A girl in Dublin struck her croquet part
ner on the head with the mallet brain
fever set in, and the young man nearly died
The girl was-kept under arrest until his re-
coyery, and when he got well she married
him. and now he's sorry he didn't die.
An editor had occasion to use the express
sion, "Alpha and Omega" He was over
whelmed with delight when he found that
the compositor had made 1t "apples and
oranges" That evening the, ,wretched
mangler fed from the city in wild haste.
A hornets nest is said to be the best pol
isher in the world for glass lenses. But you
want to do your polishing when the hornet
is not around to help you. For what shall
il profit man if he polish a thousand glass
lelsss in one day and one hornet catch him
at it?
A st. Louis clergyman has made the dis
covery that when lie made man God vever
contemplated reporter" that 'the con-
ditions through which man must pass TO
meet the demands of nineteenth-ccntury
journalism were not considered at the time
of creation"
Complimentary notice: Don't you
know that It is a felony to steal pocket
book out Of gentleman's pocketH asked
an Austin justice, ola hard case. Yes, /
knew It, jedge but. dat ar pocket-book
80 much sperct in yer dat yer would hab
made break for II yerself, ledge, efnobody
was watchlni yer."