The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-06-15
FLOATING FANOIES.
p|ett and | are out.-R. Conkling.

pIatt and | are OUR. Conkling.
The beauty is not SIS bright as she is paint
ed.
He must have q big spoon that would eat
ice cream with q young lady.
Judging from his name, Prof. Dragaman-
off would make a good policeman.
as an orator Mr.. Moody doesn't claw the
air. He talks rapidly, and as otfhand IS q
ranchman trying to swap horses.
mo kiss ?" he said, pleadingly; mo KISS
from my darling tonight" NO. she sald
emphatically, mo kiss; | hear that there IS
mumps in your family"
Pretty girl--"How much is this 9 yard?'
Diapers son (who is desperate spoons" on
her)-'Only one kiss" 2. G.-l will take
three yards; grandma will pay you"
An old angler says q fish does not suffer
much pain from being hooked. Of course
not. 1t is the thought Of how his weight will
be lied about that causes him anguish.
"How could you think of calling Auntie
stupid? Go to her Immediately and tell her
you are sorry" Freddie goes to auntie and
says "Auntie, I'm sorry you are 30 stupid
"My DEAR said an anxious mother to her
daughter, it is very wrong for young people
to be throwing kisses at each other" why
so, mama? I'm sure they don't hurt, even If
they do hit"
4 Cincinnati girl spent all of her leisure
time for three years in learning to box, and
then when she got married, and wanted to
fight her husband, she scratched and pulled
hair the same as any other woman. You
can't make over human nature.
4 school teacher, discharged for using the
rod too freely, applied for employment il 9
dressmaking establishment. "Have you any
experience in sewing?" asked the dressmak-
er. mo-" was the reply, "but have 9
thorough knowledge Of basting."
$50 you enjoyed your visit to the menag-
erie, did you p inquired 8 young man Of his
adored ones little sister. "Oh, yes! And,
do you know, we saw 8 came there that
screwed its mouth and eyes around aWfully,
and sister said it looked exactly like you do
when you are reciting poetry at the evening
parties"
He had just taken his seat in the street car,
in fact, had hardly got fairly down, when a
lady entered. He Immediately rose. "Do
not rise, sir, I beg of you," she said. GOOD
heavens, ma'am!" he yelled, II must
There's a pin three inches long set up on
that seat!' She made no further objection
to his rising.
81 can't think that all sinners will be lost, !"
said Mrs. Nimbletung, 'There's my hus-
band, now. He's q bad man, a very bad
man, but [ trust he will be saved at last. [
believe he has suffered his due share in this
life" "Amen - shouted Nimbletung from
the back seat. Mrs. N. gave him such a look,
but said nothing.
A Wisconsin mans house was burned
while he was away. He heard of It, and
started for home wild with anxiety. Meet
ing a neighbor, he said: II know the house
is gone, but how about" "YOur family ?
They're ali right. Wife, mother-in-laW and
two children got out safe" "Oh, d-n the
family! Did they get the dog out?"
Some people can invent awful mean slurs.
When the Jenkins girl was whaling away at
the piano and pestered the naxt door neigh
Dor, the next door neighbor came out on the
steps, listened to the noise a minute, looked
up at the Jenkins girls mother, who was at
the window, and said: SCOT plumbers at
work in your house, haven't you?" It is no
wonder those families don't speak now.
A lady of experience gives advice On kiss
ing to q younger lady friend as follows. 'sBe
frugal in the bestowal of such favOrs. In the
first place / would cut off all unc]es, cousins
and %brothers-in law let them kiss their own
wives and daughters; and ] would not kiss
the minister, or the doctor, or the lawyer
who gets you a divorce" You see this lady
understands her business, and does not leave
out the editor he of all others needs these
osculatory attentions to tighten up the gloom.
She's q jolly, sensible woman, with 6 heart
in the right place.
It IS already warm enough down Memphis
way to have outside doors open, and as ev-s
ervbody persisted in shutting the door to the
~A1r~ &c = ~ -soo xoA ~on-nLo.+ ~ Lo1 I. -o~~-
powerful spring put on it that would swing
it open. Result: A man would haul it to and
latch il. Next man who came would grab
the handle and lift The latch, and before he
could let 20 the spring would yank him into
the store and sling him half way down the
aisle. And after seven customers had taken
the tumble and got up mad and sWore they
would trade elsewhere, the merchant got dis
c%ouraged, and had to take the spring off and
put up the sign: "Only fools and dumbheads
shut this door"
-~aE