Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-08-17
.sThem Doctors "

Detroit Free Press.
Ihad lust unfolded the daily and set
tlad hack in the seat for pull at the
news when she reached over and poked
me in the neck with her yellow parasol
and called out: an, Al,
President yeti? ..,u
woman. never travelling without a vial
of peppermint, and having hawks eye
for every patch OF smartweed and Dunch
of catnip along the line.
"The President is able to sit up
replied.
II don't believe it-don't believe one
end of no such story she said as she
left her bundles and boxes and parcels,
and came over to share my seat.
"But the papers say so"
81 don't keer two cents for no papers!
! / tell you the President hasn't bin doc
tored right any OF the time, and no
BODY kin make me believe that he's
gettin' better. Young man, are you
doctorp"
"No, ma'am."
"You needn't mann me, because I'm
g plain woman. It's a pity you ain
doctor, for could prove We humbug
| in about two minits! Do you know
what is killing off SO many folks in this
country"
"It's death, isn't it?"
"Of course it's death-death and the
doctors! And them doctors have done
their very best to kill the President! Do
you remember what they done the day
he was shot?"
"Um. Let's see! Probed for the ball
and gave him morphine, didn't they"
"They did," she replied, as she jam
med the parasol in my ribs. "That's
Just what killed my nephew in the
army. He was shot by cannon ball,
and them doctors probed and probed
and probed, and when they had got
around to decide that the ball had gone
clean through him and knocked of the
roof OF barn half mile away, the poor
boy was dead. Morfeen! have saved
over one hundred nayburs from the
grave, and never sot eyes on morieen'
How much l have pitied the poor Pres
ident, and how | have wished l was
there"
"What for2"
"What fur? Why, to turn them tar
nal doctors out doors. and have the
| President out chopping wood in four
weeks 1t makes me billing mad to read
their way OF treating him."
"What would you have done"
"Don't ask me-don't ask me! | feel
like spanking the hull crowd Have
you read the papers every day"
Eyes"
"Weil, have you read that they have
soaked his feet one single time since the
day he was shot,"
mo"
"Of course you haven't! Did they
put horseradish drafts on his feet?'
Not once"
"Have they gin him a smartweed
sweat?"
"No."
"Or tried mustard poultices?"
"No."
"Has he had one single drink of cat.
nip tea since the day he was shot?"
mo"
"Have they used any haxseed about
him?"
"No."
Haven't heard OF their digging any
gingsen, sarsaparilla, wild turnip, sweet
flag, burdock, or sweet sicily"
"No."
"No you haven't!' she exclaimed as
| she lust missed my nose with that ami
BILE parasol. "All they've done is to
talk about his perspiration being up to
lO2, his normal pulse and his tempera-
ture from 30 to 90. II it was me my
temperature would be up to 800, and
I'd make things hum! It's the shame
facedest case l ever heard OF, and you
jist mark what tell ye-that them tar
nal doctors will sniff at lobelia and num-
Der six and turn up their noses at mus
tard plasters till all of sudden the
President will begin to sink and sink,
and even cold sage tea and mutton tai
low won't save him."