Morris tribune., 1881-10-13
for few hours, will become wonderfully
soothed and quieted by the influence of the
blue o1ass '.#.
MIR. BRADLEY AS AN UMPIRE.

green 6QaQe, Wnlle the Otuer e4ulDiGeu
evident marks of confusion; in fact, a
beautiful circle of black and blue encircled
the optic
His arm was in 81 ng, his nose was
bloodied, and pair of crutches were lears
ing againsta dry goods box near by.
To sum up, he had the appearance of
prize fighter just returned from hard
fought contest in the ring.
Hello, Bradley!" saluted 1; "what ails
you? Have you been the victim of o rail
road accident?"
mo" growled Bradley.
Met with boiler explosion?''
No"
Caught in thrashing machine?"
NO."
Then why this general brokenupedness?
And say, Bradley"
"Welle"
Where are all your numerous. staff of
intelligent and affable employees? Gone
to picuic?'
Mr.. Bradley growled some unintelligible.
or nearly so, reply. The substance was, as
near as I could interpret it, that all Of his
employees, he hoped, had gone to Hades.
I must confess that was surprised at his
words; for, generally, Mr.. Bradley is the
kindest of masters, and universally respect
ed by those who receive his wages.
'What is the matter, Bradley?" 1
asked.
He proceeded to bathe one swollen cheek
with arnica from a bottle which was handy,
and blurted out:
do you like base ball2'
I said I did; considered it a very nice
and healthy game. Until had broken my
nose, and rib or so, I was passionately
fond of base bail. l am fond of it yet-at
a distance. The farther the distance, the
greater my fendness.
Mr.. Bradley remarked a remark
which is not polite for me to repeat.
1 was really shocked at Mr.. Bradley.
Blank base ball!" said she with decided
emphasis.
Of course I was curious.
why blank base ball?" queried.
II will tell you," was his answer.
But you must excuse me if I lisp, for
four of my front teeth are knocked out, and
my upper gum is cracked. These accidents
are not apt to give my voice silvery or
bell-like sound"
Naturally not; but proceed"
"You know employ nineteen clerks-or,
a!her, did employ them-all stalwart
young fellows
Yes"
And you know Fourth of July was
eyes, believe there was general ru-
NOR to that effect"
"Well my nineteen lunatics-clerks, I
should say-resolved to form themselves
into two mines and play game of base
bail.
But two mines only made eighteen.
What did the odd clerk do?"
He is scorer--or qCas scorer. He's
promising corpse now, I believe. A man
with half bat stuck into his head is not
apt to live very long. But won't digress.
"The day before the butchery-game
they called it-came off. C deputation of
three called upon me. They wanted me to
be umpire. Foolishly, said would. If
had been wise, would have had them ar
rested. Being bald-h headed old idiot, 7
consented.
Next day [ arrived upon the ground.
The two mines were there. One was called
the Comets the other the Shooting
Stars
"The game began.
'"Fhe Comets won the toss, and Manly,
my cashier. went to bat. He hit "a liner
which was stopped by left field, and ran
quickly to first base. The ball seemed to
me to get there quicker than Manly, and I
said, Out!
MANLY came back mad.
"'Was that out?' said he.
eyes, Ireplied.
" No, it wasn't
" I say it was
- Tn your eye,' replied Manly. You're
a nice old umpire, you are
Manly, said I, I don't want any of
your insolence. I'll discharge you
Discharge and be hanged!' he said.
There's an old goat in yonder field who
would made better umpire than you
THAT settled it.
II told Manly not to come to work the
next day, and told the Comets to put a Sec
ond striker up.
"They did.
"The fellow knocked fly to first base
First base muffed it and fooled with it, and
was not sure whether or not he did have it
in his hand when the striker reached the
base
"How is it?" he called out.
Mot Out-striker safe,' replied.
First base was my book-keeper, Hardy,
generally the pink of peliteness, but my
decision did not appear to please him.
You ought to get a pair of new eyes,
ESQ it was cried the pitcher, who has
been with me for ten years. Anybody but
an old dotard could see it was out plain;
wasn't it, boys?' ....
"The boys-the boys of his side-all
said yes of course, and suggested as put
ting up wooden man as an umpire; and
my youngest errand boy, who was soaking
out in the center field, sGid ought to buy
piece of smoked glass to see through.
discharged him right away
"Then Mr.. Merrill (he's red-headed, and
gets mad easy), went to the bat. He made
FOUL say it was foul, and know it
and I said it was out, because the catcher
caught it.
"'Foul-outr cried.
"What2 gasped Merrill.
"'Foul-out! repeated.
"'Do you call that foul?'
"I do
"Mr. Bradley, you're crazy! 1t was not
foul
"'It was.'
"'It wasn't
"'Don't you contradict me, Merrill
"I will, if you say that's foul. You're
driveling iackassp
"'Here, you shut upr said Bennett, my
stock clerk, who was catcher; and they all
came in from the field.
Exactly what followed I cannot relate
succinctly. Anyhow, Merrill said Bennett
was liar, and Bennett said Merrill was
another. Which one hit first do not know
but, at any rate, free fight ensued. and ]
was in the middle of it.
II was pitched over fence, kicked into
ditch, jumped on, walked over, and carri-
ed for dead from the field along with the
scorer, who, as I said before, has got half
bat into his head.
"But had my revenge, for discharged
every blessed mothers son Of them; but ]
don't believe they care much about it, fo,
all except Merrill are in the hospital"
Where's Merrill?"
.'In jail. As near rs I can find out he
licked all the rest, and then tried to licl
policeman, who wanted to stop the fun.
''Say. if you know nice, quiet young
fellow-in fact, nineteen nice, quiet young
fellows who never heard of base ball, ant
don't know what it is, let me know. II
pay them their own prices.