The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1881-03-14
Bagshot's Assistant.
minneapolis Weekly


Col Bagshot runs weekly newspaper called
the Union, up in Chodunk. The Colonel was
called away to New York on business, leaving
the Union in the hands of an assistant who had
been in his employ some little time.
Now the Colonel knew that the said assis-
tant had the cheek of a brass statue and the
audacity of a New England fy,-both indis-
pensable attributes to the newspaper man; but
still, after being in the city about week, he
began to grow uneasy, and telegraphed to Cho-
dunk, "How's things?"
Back came the answer from the Unions
protein. editor: "Bully! Circulation of the
old things gone up thousand. Been getting
up red-hot paper. and there's gang outside
that are weeping because they can't hoist the
shingles off the roof and knock the whole con-
Germ to thunder. Stay away as long as you
like.2
Bagshot didn't waste a moment after re-
ceiving this encouraging dispatch. He started
home in the7irst train and reached Chodunk
before night. The first man that struck him
was the ticket agent.
"Look here, Colonel" he cried excitedly,
"Pve darned good notion to punch your
u6du, you DraLeu-ldCeu Olu liar!
"Why?" asked Bagshot.
"Read that" and the ticket-agent showed
crumpled Union into his hand.
There was paragraph as follows:
"RAILRoAD NEws.-The bandy-legged idiot
who robs the railroad company at this village
has purchased a new pocket-knife. More
knocking down from the cash-drawer."
Bagshot bit his lips
"Bill," said he, "that's calumny, and I'll
see it righted in our next It's my cussed as
sstant's work.
II don't care whose work it isl growled the
agent, ''but if it isn't contradicted, somebody's
got to die,-that's all.
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down the
street to the Union offece. He had not gone
half block before he collided with Deacon
Marsh.
The Deacon seized him by the shoulder and
exclaimed: "What do you mean, Bagshot, by
inserting that scandalouSly untrue item about
me?"
"Didn't insert any item," replied the Colon
ell.
'Dont sneak out of it in that way. You
know you did. Why l just cut it out of the
Union. Lstenp'
"RELIGIoUs INTELLIGENcE.-Tha whited
sepulcher, Deacon Marsh, was noticed last Sat
urday night trying to open the coal-hole in
front of his residence with his night-key. The
Deacon was full as goat, and couldn't tell
"Now, that's nce-aint it? saying that was
drunk Saturday night, when / went to bed at
Z with a raging toothache."
"It's that reckless fool whom L left in
charge" groaned the Colonel. "I'll make it
all right, Marsh;" and Bagshot scurred on
again only to be confronted by Maj. Blim.
"Colonel, uttered Bim, in his deepest voice,
"this is villainous! It's my intention, sir, to
call you out and shoot you through the heart.
What the deuce do you mean by publishing
this note in the Union?''
MILITARY JoTTINGs.-Mai. Blim, the tat
tered old beggar who hid in an oyster-barrel
during the battle of Bull Run, wears a wig.
He ought to be shot in the back with baked
apple"
il in the office. He has made red hot paper
Just wait, Major, and I'll fix things"
Hardly had he done SO before young Cooley
appeared.
"Col. Bagshot," announced he, "you are
lying scoundrel! This is nice thing to put in
your blackguard sheet about young LADY,
SOCIETY ITEMS.-Miss Cooley, the old girl
on South street, waltZes around in patent
hustle in the hopes of catching fellow. But
she can't-n even if she lays the paint on
twice as thick as she does now"
But Bagshot didn't stop to hear it, He flew
across the square and into the Union office like
a fash
No one was there. That able assistant ed-
tor, warned by friend unknown, had busted
forever. Lying on the desk was Union, fold
ed so that this notice caught Bagshot's eye:
LITERARY MEMs.-The baid-headed snipe
who pretends to run this paper has gone to
New York. We expect to hear every moment