The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1881-09-02
IN. Y. Times.l

IN. Y. Times.l
No candid man can examine the modern
hatrack without feeling that it is applicable
only on the theory of its demoniacal origin.
Indeed, the human mind is SO constituted
that 1t instinciively refers all the contrivances,
ostensibly intended for holding hats to the dev-
II, and most of us would confess belief that
the devil makes hat racks did we not fear the
derision OF so-called philosophers. Is it reas-
enable to suppose that any human being seri
ously designed for good purpose the compl-
nation of brass rods which is to be seen above
the tables in certain restaurants? Ostensibly
these rods are intended for the temporary
storage of hats; but when man tries TO put
his hat on brass-rod rack it instantly falls
down again, and brings with 1t two other hats
and pile of newspapers, the former OF which
apset the castor, while the latter diifuse them
selves over the butter and the beefsteak
Nothing but the theory of the active influence
Of evil spirits can account for this style OF hat
rack, and yet it is really inferior in ingenious
malignity to the common hat-rack OF private
houses. This diabolical continuance is always
placed in the dark corner of the ball-a fact
which shows that evil spirits are concerned
not merely in manufacturing but in placing 1t.
The consequence is that the visitor gropes for
Is, and in so doing infalibly knocks down the
overcoats and hats which are already hung up
on il When he is able to perceive it with
his eyes be can find no satisfactory peg. The
malicious manufacturer never fails to make
the pegs 80 short that to induce hat to bal
ance itself on one Of them is a task requiring
both time and dexterity. Not content with
Oln
together that it is i'm possible for two adjoining
pegs to support each its own hat at the same
time. The ordinary visitor learns this truth
only by sad experience He persists in trying
TO hang his hat on the peg next to that which
bears the hat of the head of the house, and it
il only after he has knocked the original hat
down with his own and then knocked his own
down by trying TO restore the other to Its origl-
nal place, that he perceives the full purpose
of the maker OF bat-racks.
Only the ingenuity of demons could have
combined an umbrella stand with hat-rack.
The object of this unhoy combination is obvi-
ously to tempt the visitor to deposit his over
coat on the protuding handles of half dozen
umbrellas and canes. The prudent man
rarely attempts to hang his overcoat on q peg,
for he knows that in so doing he will knock
down all the hats Moreover, 1t is the prac.
tice Of the satanic manufacturer to put in the
pegs so loosely that the weight of an overcoat
when put on any OF them will pull it out He,
thcIcfOrc, lOiuS ulb ON0ICOab up anu lays IL
gently ON the umbrella handles. Instantly
these delusive supports give way. A rafting
avalanche of canes and umbrellas strikes on
the marble floor, and the betrayed overcoat
gathers to itself all the available dirt that has
accumulated in the bottom of the umbrella
stand, while the startled and indignant visitor
breaks into language which might well fill
listening demons with fiendish joy. So notori-
ous has the combined hat-rack and umbrella
stand become that wise men never NEEDLE
with it, but uniformly place their folded over
coats on the floor in corner of the hall, and
put their hats on their coats.
Now, II we attempt to account for the hat
rack on any theory which excludes the super
natural, we make a complete failure. 1t is in
vsin for rs to ask ourselves why men should
make an article of furniture that can accom-
plish no conceivable eud except the exaspera-
ton OF mankind. The moment we assume
that hat-racks are the work of evil spirits
they become coherent and ineligible. Is it
not, then, pity that the abolition of faith in
evil spirits leaves us without any method of
accounting for the existense of hat-racks, and
eompels us to say that we do not know, and
cannot conceive, for what purpose they are
nade9