Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-08-10
CRUMBS OF COMFORT.

One swallow does not make summer
"but," says Snifkins, sit imparts {
pleasant warmth"
"Whe says it is unhealthy to sleep il
feathers? Look at the spring chicken
and see how tough he is.
A Buffalo gIrl never has her wedding
dress made in that city, for lean some
body will say she was married IN
Buffalo. robe.
The poodle IL a small dog; they are
woman's pet; and hav seen them tna'
almost wanted to swop places with
them.-Josh Billings.
She was about to sail for Europe
"And will you go to Romeo" he asked,
"Oh, yes" she answered, 1--WE will dc
Epgland thoroughly"
"What's the matter with little Johnny
this morning." "Sure, nam, the bye's
sick; he tumbled off wan of thin wheels
without carriage to it.
Host-Why, you are surely not going
to bed yet, Captain We are going to
have prayers presently. Captain-Aw,
yes, thanks, very much; l never take
anything after dinner.
Midsummer conundrum: Johnson
Smith, what kind OF beast would You
prefer 20 be il you had to be one?
Smith--Well, Just at this tune OF year /
think I'd rather be little bare.
Little Lottie to her friend: II Lave
so many cares. Yesterday little badly
sister arrived and papa is on a journey.
1t was but piece OF luck that mamma
was at home TO take care OF 1t.
What was il? went out in the woods
and got il. After / got il looked for 1t.
The more l looked for il the less liked
it. brought it home in my hand be-
cause / couldn't find it. A silver.
"If YOU repeat that again shall pun.
ish you," exclaimed Belvidere woman
to her Youngest the other day. "Yer
can't-Pm settin' on it shouted back
the incorrigible, and kept on with his
fun.
This is the latest Western form OF say
ing a man is hanged: ale was un.
animously chosen by convention OF
six property holders to jump from new
pine platform into the sweet subsequent.
iy."
Aworthy deacon, in a town not far
away, gave notice at a prayer meeting
the other night of church meeting that
was to be held Immediately after, and
unconsciously added: "There is no
objection to the female brethren remain
ing"
A Rhode Island man called a neigh.
Dor a "lantern. lawed cockroach." A
suit for SANDER resulted, and the jury
returned as follows: "Not guilty on
lantern-iawed.b but way off on cockroach,
and We find damages in the sum OF three
cents"
A man who was up before an Austin
Justice for stealing ham from the front
door Of grocery store. raised no his hand
and called on all the saints to witness
his innocence. $50 on with the trial,
said the Justice, 1--WE can't send all the
way to Dallas for witnesses"
Perfectly elegant: Mrs. Joscar had
lust returned from visit to the sea
shore and was giving her family sum
mary of the fare upon which she had
been subsisting. After q moments
abstraction she remarked: and as for
desserts, we always had two, and oftener
three"
The other day a lady began to thank
a man who gave her his seat IN street
car; the car started, aud she fell in the
proffered seat with q bang that Jared
her store teeth out. Now we under
stand why the girls who never thank a
man for any street car Ciyi!ities hold
their peace.
"Did your son contract any bad habits
while in college, Mrs. Mulvany2"
"Sorra the wan of him, sorr; he con-
thracted all the good ones he had when
he whit there, and small enouge they
ware, sorr, widout any contraction.
It's losin' he'll be on the contract, I'm
belayin'."
Affectionate mother Ito her SOM
Why do you cry, Johnny? What has
hurt you? JENNY (crying more Justify
than before)-Because l fell down and
hurt myself yesterday. Mothsr-G Yes.
terday, Then why do you cry to-day?
Johnny (bawling at the top OF his voice.
oh, cause you weren't home yester'
day.
"And the style OF beauty OF our
American girls" sand Mrs. Glover TO the
German nObleman at the Ocean House,
Newport, "what do You think OF 1t
BaronT' "Yell, l was full mid en-
thusiastics, Mrs. Glober, und netter
Ginks dot STYLE was possible. Do you
know der name off good shoemaker. l
hat q hole nit de toe oil my poot."
A little girl who saw balloon tor the
first time on the Fourth OF July, was
much astonished to find that it remain
ed in the air, and piled her nurse with
all kind of questions. None OF the
answers, however, seemed TO satisfy her,
and the statement that it fioated because
il was filed withgas she treated with
the utmost infantile disdain. mo,
Anna" she said, with sedate Sunday
school expression on her young brows,
set is kept up there by the poweration
Of God"