Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-08-24
FLAKES OF FUN.

Some mems noses are like some books;
: the NOSE immoral they are the more red
they are.
A doctor down in Connecticut poison
himself the ether day. leone to meet
his patients"
The lilies OF the field "toil not neither
do they spin," but they have their blow
out Just tie same.
It is estimated of the Oldest Mason
! that il he was laid end to END ne wouiu
reach around the state.
II is never too late to mend. Which
ia why the cobbler never has your boots
done at the time promised.
Thirty-two circuses are bleeding this
unhappy land. What a tough time 1t Is
those poor old jokes are having.
When a New Orleans man wanted his
picture taken in an heroic attitude, the
artist painted him in the act OF refusing
to drink.
The Palners have bad their reunion.
When shall the world be enlarged sui
fciently to permit the Smiths to have
theirs?
The difference between boy and a
} bee is that boys hsppiest days are his
school days, and bees are its swarm
days.
Rustic chairs are pretty objects, and
"a long as a man can resist the lncllna-
ton to sit in them they are desirable to
have about.
A man can get into good society in
Leadyille Il he hasn't had the jim-Jams,
but he'll have to stand being regarded
as rather fresh.
! What memory Miss Dickinson has,
to be sure She remembers when the
project o.: building the Washington
monument was first started.
Cassagnac, the French editor, has
fought lie duels. He has therefore run
about as much risk as man who has
played three games OF base ball.
It was ridiculous to believe thsre were
internal machines concealed in those
barrels OF apples. Every apple is, just
now. an Internal machine in itself.
"You do not find any flies in the but
ter which put on my table" SAID
Boston boarding mistress, proudly.
"No," replied border, Its too strong
for them"
The lightning used on theatrical stages
costs so an ounce; but then so little is
REQUIRED that you can kill $50 brigand
and ten Sl2 brigand beautifully for
about two cents.
Miss Swisshelm says: IF men wear
boots at all the boots should reach TO
the waist and be fastened to BETS"
Think OF a man with such boots having
the JIM Jams. Great snakes!
"No." said Mrs. Goodington, casting
her eyes over her specs to the silhouette
of her lamented Daniel, 81 can't say as
like to see a man too stout, but Just
little inclined to petulancy, you know.
parting is such sweet sorrow" re-
marked a bald old bachelor to a pretty
girl, as he told her good night. 81
should SMILE" she replied, glancing up
on his haislessness and wondering how
he ever did it.
A postal card with pocket attach
ment to enclose stamp for reply ID
the latest idea. The next great invention
should be a postal card with bay win:
dow annex, into which man can crawl
and travel anywhere in the country for
one cent.
A Young man in Litchfield who had
been in.the habit OF carrying his smok-
ing tobacco and pistol cartridges loose in
one pocket has reformed, and in time to
save the larger part OF what was once as
handsome nose as could be found in
Litchfield.
A Leadyil.e man in one week was at
tackled and scratched by catamount,
hurt by an explosion, had boulder roll
down on him and stave in two ribs, and
was kicked by a mule. And a local
editor remarked that he had "been
somewhat annoyed by circumstance,
lately"
Recreation at the Cape: A Philadel-
phia drummer, recreating in the south
ern part of New Jersey, was awakened
by the noise, as he supposed, OF a
| burglar trying to creep in at his window.
He drew his pistol and fired at the in
truder, dimiy visible by the starlight. 1t
turned out to be only Cape May county
bedbug.
"l'm not very proud of your progress
in school," remarked New Haven
mother to her son, who was struggling
along in grade five. There's Charley
Smart is way ahead OF you, and he isn't
as old" IL know it. Teacher said he'd
learned all there was to learn in my
room, and that left lie without anything
TO learn"
The Buffalo Commercial Adrsrtiser
mentions what may be safely set down
as the worst case of spelling Of recent
record. 1t occurred in "notis" Of
| "sellybrashun" to be held on the shores
of Lake Eary," and mentioned the &C.
casion as "guble." This word troubled
the editor a good deal, but with rare
perspicacity be at length resolved it into
Jubilee"
AYankee coachman was driving some
Englishmen about recently, and at last
brought them to the monument on
Bunker Hill. "Ah, yes" said one Of the
explorers, 81 believe this is the place
where We Englishmen gave you Gankees
a sound thrashing, isn'tit?" The driver
scratched his head, and then quietly re-
piled: "Mister, can you tell me who
owns this parcel of ground at the present
timer"
Danbury's grateful polieemarwas at
breakfast on Sunday morning, wrestling
with piece OF remarkably tough veal
His wife said to him: "You always
say there's something to be thankful for
in everything. guess you'd be puzzled
to find anything to be thankful for in
| thst piece ni veal" "Not at ALL" he
cheerfully responded, stopping to
breathe; ~ was just thinking how CRATE
ful We should be that We met it when il
was young.
Forty Years Experience Of an. Old
. Nurse.
Mrs. Winsluw's Soothing Syrup is
/ the prescription OF one OF the pest
female physicians Snd nurses in the
United States. and has been used for