Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-01-19

Z shown than in the following a
ticle by Bill Nye, in the Chicso
Tribune.
One night about half after |.
| judge, heard somebody ste
along to the window of my boz
doir' Hearing it that time Z
night ] reckoned that somethin
crooked was going on, so / slid ou
OF bed and got my Great Bloc
, Searcher and Liver Purifier, wit
the new style of center fire an
cartridge ejecter, and slid to th
window, calculating to shove
tonic into whatever it might b
that was picknicking around m,
claim.
| looked out SO as to get a goo,
idea of where | wanted to sink OF
him, and then / thought before
mangled him I'd ask if he had any
choice about which part of hi
vitals he wanted to preserve, so
sings out to him:
"Look out below there, pard, fol
I'm going to call the meeting t
order in minute. Just throw NJ
your hands, if you please, anc
make the grand hsiling sign ol
distress, or I'll have to mutilate
you. Just show me about where
you'd like to have the fatal wound
and be spry about it, too, because
I've got my brief costume on, and
the evening air is chilli
He didn't understand me appa.
rently, for gurgling laugh swelled
up from below, and the party sings
back:
"Hullo, Fatty, is that youi Just
lookin' to see if you'd fred up yet.
You know | was to come around and
flag you if second seven was out.
Well, I've been down to the old
mans to see what's on the board.
Three is two hours late and four is
reported on time. There's two
sevens out and two sections Of
nine. Skinney'll take out first
seven and Shorty'll pull her with
Timber Jim on front end and
Frenchy to hold down the caboose.
First five is wrong side up in a
washout this side of Ogallala, and
old Whashisname that runs 25S got
his crown sheet caved in and tele-
scoped his headlight into the New
Jerusalem. You know the little
Swede that used to run extra for
Old Hotbox on the emigrant for
while! Well, he's firing on 25S,
and he's under three flats and O
coal oil tank, with n break beam
across his coupler and his system
more OF less relaxed. He's gone
to the sweet subsequently too.
Rest of the boys are more or less
1emoralized and sidetracked for
repairs. Now, you don't want to
monkey around much, for if you
ion't loom up like six bits and go
out OH the track, the old man'll
give you a time check and the
Oriental Grand Bounce. =, You
near the mellow thrill of my bs-
soo."
Then | slowly uncorked the
Great Blood Purifier and moving
to the foot-lights where the silvery
noon beams could touch up my
dazzling outlines, said:
"Pardner, am pleased and graf
fed to have met you. l don't
know the first ding busted thing
,ou have said to me, but that's my
am a plain miner,
md my home is the digestive ap-
,aratus of the earth, but for pro-
essional melody Of the chin you
certainly take the cake. You also
AXE the cake basket and what pie
here is on the dump. My name
s Woodtick Williams. / discov-
red the Feverish Hornet up on
Slippery Ellum. | am proud to
now you. Keep right on getting
nore and more familiar with your
and bye and bye, when
obody can understand you, you
I'LL be promoted and respected,
nd you will be at last be n sleep
lg car conductor and revel in the !
iggest mental calm aud wide shore
'ss sea of intellectual stagnation
rat the world ever saw. You
ill"
But he was gone.
Then took the pillow sham and