The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1881-11-17
MIR. SPooPENDYKE PREPARES A
SPEECH UPON WOMAN

'.Now, my dear" said Mr.. Spoopendyke, as he
drew writing materials toward him, '.now ]
want your woman's wit. These fellows insist
that must respond TO the toast, Woman to-
morrow night, and / must prepare n few re-
marks. II we both go at it, we'll get up some
thing NICE
what do You want ?" argued Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, entering into the spirit of the undertake
ing, and tapping ncr teeth with her thimble.
''What you want is woman in her various phas-
esr
"What want is a speech, retorted Mr. Spoop-
endyke. "They haven't put me down for pan
Drama. want short address, full of good
points aud pleasant things about the ladies'.
Now shall begin: Fellow citizens-'"
'But women amt fellow citizens. / should
say"
YOU'D say, fellow back hair that's what
you'd say. Tn addressing the people, and
they're all men; don't you sect I've got to
commence somewhere, and then i 60 on. Now,
fellow citizens, regarding women, our origin,
our companions, our posterity, our mothers,
our wives, and our daughters, what more can
we say than that they give us life, make it hap
py, and soOthe its declmer How's thats'
.'ls that the SAME womanin asked Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, bending over the table. at don't
strike me that she would care to have it put in
that way Why not say: Fellow citizens, we
are assem-
"What's the matter with you" demanded Mr..
Spoopendyke. give got to open with a senti-
ment, and you can't find anything more graceful
than that. Then i will 90 on: She rises in the
cradle, reaches her meridian at the altar, and
goes down in flood of dew at the grave Can
you grasp that!'
monstrated Mrs. Spoopeudyke. 'sYou make her
a mother while she's baby, and as for the
grave part, you don't stop-to think that she
may be another meridian by getting married
again. would say something like this: Eel
low citizens, we are assembed-'"
''No, | wont, either. Who's going to get
married againf Can't you see that Pm only
carrying out the first idea of origin, companion
ship, and posterityi Rising in the cradle means
giving MS birth Now, you hold up. Suppose
as wife, and-and-' say, what do we do for her
as daughter~
ave provide home for her. Wouldn't-D
eyes, of cOursem raved Mr.. Spoopendyke.
That's the idea! That fixes it, All You want
row is two prolonged ianghters,' four 'contin-
ued applauses,' one enthusiasm and "a voice,
to be an orationl Fellow citizens, We furnish
her with poached eggs and beansi Fellow citi-
zens, we pass her the gravy! Fellow eitizens."
yelled Mr. spoopendyke, Igesticllating like a
wants her beef rare, We give it to her, Fellow
citizens, we give her all the dod-gasted butter
she can paste on her breadn is that what you
want me to sayi Expect I'm going to stand
around and make a measly ass of myself Eel
low citizens, rs mother we revere heri Fellow
citizens as wife adore her, Fellow citizens,
to help man get up speech, she's the dod-
slamdest donkey that ever raised family ?
wah-h-h-hr shrieked Nr. Spoopendyke, purple
in the face: ''got any more suggestions! Know
any more eloguencei' and the worthy gentle
man leaned back in his chair, speechless.
Couldn't you leave her out altogether 7" rec
commended Mrs Spoopendyke. Cant you Just
revere her as mother, and adore her as wife I As
for the daughter, you might pass it over with
saying: Fellow citizens, we assem-'n
ayes, or l can ent her throatr proclaimed Mr..
SpOopendyke. 81 can take her to the pound
i can salt her down for winter usei Dod1gast
the speech" and Mr.. SpoOpendyke danced on
the fragments of his notes. Tomorrow night
I'll answer that toast by telling what n dod-
gasted old mule you'd make of any man that
would listen to you," and Mr.. Spoopendyke
banged himself into bed like beer spigot and
went to sleep.
well" Thought Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she
took down her hair and put it up again, 81 don't
see why he couldn't say: Fellow citizens, we
are assembled here to say something poetical
about women, and the best / can say is, We
show her when we don't always love her, and
we love her when we don't always show it.
That's sensible, and it's sO," sighed Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, falling over her husbands boots; and
then the good woman opened the window on her
spoEses side of the bed, and sticking a few pins
in the pillow, in she should want them in
the night, she went prayerfully to sleep.-Brook-
Ian EddIc