davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24
A Close Shave,

Am Brudier Blue Glass Henderson
in de hall tonight ?" blandly inquired
the President, as he stood up and looked
around
Eyes, sab"
"Will he please step dis way ?"
The brother stepped He didn't
seem to be easy in his mind, and he
kept his eyes on the coffee pot once
owned by the poet Milton, instead of
facing the President.
"Brudder Henderson, you war IN
bufcher-shop on Beaubien street las
Wednesday fo'noon?"
eyes, sab"
ain one of your coat-tail pockets dey
found, not de three slices of ham, but
a pound and half Of beef"
"Ges, sah."
"You couldn't tell whar' you got dat
beef save your life, an you let &c
butcher keep it p
Eyes, sah, but de charge was stealth
ham,"
Just so, Brudder Henderson, jist so.
Dey missed ham an dey found beef.
1t am plain nutf dat you didn't take
de goods charged, bat | want you to
Iunderstan dat when dey miss ham an
find beef on a member of dis club, dat
member has had de VERY closest sort
of shave from bein' bounced OH our
books an outer de hall. Take your
seat, sab. an let dis lie de awlulest
kind of warnin to you. '--DefToh ffse
Press.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24
THE WISCONSIN MURDERER.

I'D. williams. the Coleman Boys As
sAssin. .Captured--The Red Handed
Rascal COnfesses the Crime--self
Defense His Reason An Interest
ing Account of His Flight After the
Ahlfng = An Into resting Interview
with Him
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24

Farewell bachelor dinner parties are
now the rage in New York They are
given by the bridegroom elect few
days prior to his marriage, ana are
nothing if not costly.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24

Fanny Davenport calls the train OF
her new silk dress "Cyclone," because
it sweeps everything before 1t.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24

tOiNhiliAsls = - Fi>N'i
May it pleas, thc court and gentlemen of the
iury-The prisoner at the bar stands before you
charged with the murder Of James A. Garfield.
Under any circumstances there rests grave ami
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24

was taken to room In the depot,
where your correspondent interviewed
Maxwell and the officers while waiting
for the train at Menomonee, where the
prisoner has been taken tonight To
morrow he will be taken TO Durand,
Wis, the scene OF his double murder,
where no doubt he will be warmly re-
ceived by the people. In the room OF
the depot, where his irons were re-
moved, and he was given a lunch,
Maxwell appeared cool and collected,
while his guards were watchful Max
well freely admitted his identity, and
said his only regret was that he did not
have time to get to his gun when the
officers came on him in Nebraska. If
he could only have got to his gun he
would not have been in his present
plight. Neither would he have been
in the hands of the officers Of the law
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1881-11-24

At half-past ten o'clock Secretary
Blaine, accompanied by Assistant Sec
Rotary Walker Blaine snd Chief Clerk
Brown, entered the court room and
were ushered to seats immediately in
the rear of the counsel foI the govern
ment A few minutes later the open
ing statement was made by the district
attorney as follows:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-07-20
a Monaghan Education.

"say, John, car you pay me that bill 2
asked a soap and starch man Of a Fulton
street laundryman.
s'Can't payee any billee. Slumblody steal
ee my blocks. Mclean man loossee blocks,
no payee. Raisee row. Say Giant fndee
'%clounts. Chinaman alice same"
What do you mean. you wall-eyed hea-
then Going to pay that bill or not?'
''Me no payee. Ne alice time likee Bloard
Of Edleclation. Alice time raisee helle,
splend money and loossee BLOCKS. You
hindee blocks, me payee."
"Where1l I find your books, old chop
sticks? You pay up, or I'll bounce YOU
"You no blouncee me. You edward and
liar! You makee me mad Chinaman fire
you out Joss diam quick! Mclean man he
splend money, makee assoc Of self, and hire
man to stealee blocks. Chinaman ale same
Me dehaulter. Ne blnstee up. You gettee
clommittee investigate. Chinaman alice
same Mclean man. Ki ya!"
They are an initiative race-the Monaghan
but then they don't thoroughly understand
the American methods Of business. An in
diyidual can do what a corporate body can,
and the Chinanlan will find ii out some day.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-07-20
Train To GsEeaagH.

George Francis Train, q well known er-
ratio character, sent the following letter to
Garfeld's Would-be assassin, offering his SER
vices to the latter as counsel. It is 8 charac-
teristie epistle
To Charles Guitteau
Having saved the party, Cabinet and Star
routes, smashed stalwartism, killed Democ-
racy, immortalized Garfield, smothered
Grant, Arthur, and Conklingism, collapsed
DspsW, brought p~laintive tears o..the White
House, n obtained a quarter Of q million
gift for his family, the President should par
don you as his best friend. In the name of
Zion you saved Zion. / spent six months in
the Tombs for quoting three columns Of the
Bible before revision to save Woodruff from
Beecher. have been declared unsound OF
mind, although thought harmless by the
highest medical experts. AS nc one seems
your friend will you accept my services as
counsel. Success is guaranteed ID advance.
[signedl GEORGE Francis TRAM.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-07-20
FLOATING PUN.

Many q man who thinks himself a great
gun is nothing more than a big bore.
II Kansas, Notwithstanding the general
rise III prices, whisky still continues to 90
down. n
The difference between a cat and a comma
- mai one has the claws at the end Of the
paws, While the other has the pause at the
end Of the clause.
Farewell" is the title of a poem sent in
from Ohio. 1t is a good thing that the gifted
antnoress said goodbye to the little gem. be-
cause she will never see it again.
The government has spent $3.50. 600 in in
vestigatlng the locust, the army worm and
Inc grasshopper, and the only result thus far
reported is that lone of them wear spec
tacles.
When the Governor attends q public din
ner, the walters pass things over his head,
just as though he were a private citizen.
lhey have no regard for the g~ubernatorial
prerogatiYe.
N~eWly-married husband: ssThis is q
friend Of mine, my dear-a friend Of twenty
years standing" His bride: Good gra-
clous. Then pray give him q seat, for | am
sure ne must be tired
A young man in the 'Answers to CORES.
pondents' columns in q New York paper,
asks, slow can [ gain a copious command
Of language?" We would suggest that be
try sitting down on a tack.
She was decorating her room with pic.
lures, and she perched his photo up on the
topmost nail then she sat down to admire
her work, and remarked quietly, SHOW ev-
erything is lovely and the goose hangs
high"
Trust men and they will be true to you
says Emerson. We showed this to q respect
able grocer. He grew livid with rage, seized
q club, and Wanted to know where that En-
erson teller lived, anyhow. There was muir
der in that grocer's eye. We did not tell.
a commercial traveller from Boston, hay-
ing had q run Of hard luck in prosecuting
business On the road, received from his firm
the following exhilarating dispatch: 'lt
you cant make expenses, come home at
once" To which he sent the following re-
ply: "An right. Gan make plenty OF ex-
penses, but no sales"
They tell q story about a man who calico
on a respectable widow Of his acquaintance.
and said, "MadaIn, I'm looking for a wife.
l don't think you'll hardly do, but | didn'
know but you might think Of somebody that
would The bewildered man has forgotten
what the widow said, but has the impression
that a tornado struck the town about tina
time.
At a wedding in Frederick, Nd, q litslt
dog that had been the pet Of the bride anC
that was supposed to be safely locked up q
home, marched up the aisle Of the church
just as the minister was about to begin tht
service. With q yelp he looked up into the
face Of bis mistress and seemed to ask s.the
meaning Of all this. Then, taking in The
solemnity Of the occasion, he stretched him
self out on the train Of the brides satin dress
and remained there until the marriage ser
vice was concluded.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

who i guilty. We are an lg%nofant,
simple people; ard too much inclin-
ed 70 medd,e with other peoples
business any gay. Instead Of try
ing to &C. t'Ae mote out Of our own
eye, We are continually ranting and
cayo' il.g, about the sore eyes OF
or 4 people. 1t is the easiest
thlnIin the world to give good adj
Vl',e, but not so easy to follow. II
s.dvice was worth a dollar a barrel,
| should soon be rich; 70! | can fur.
nish us much ofthat article as any
body living. We are like the mile
posl, with its index finger pointing
out the road for the traveller to go,
but never travelling the road our
selves, For my part | hope those
who first introduced slavery into
the United States, have mot theil
Just reward"
$50 do |; and | shall venture an
other hope, and that is that tht
grand children OF those who did In
troduce 1T will have the manhood
and The honesty to shoulder thei
share oithesin. and cease this hyp
ocritical cant, about the crime TO
which they + as much responsible,
as we are.'
swell, | reckon you are RICH
there; but you can not justify seces
sion, can youS"
"That question was settled by til,
arbitranent Of the sword; and | an
willing TO let that be a finality.
am proud Of our government; and
If any other nation should under
take to break it up, l would be will
ling to lay down my life in its de
fence. But it is against human ma
ture, to expect those who were
robbed and p~lundered by the gov
eminent, TO have that love for il
that they had before they were s.
nnjuStIy robbed"
fro BE COETINUED.1
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
,ATURDAY, JANUARY 8, 1881.
Special Announcement.

We take pleasure in announcing
that we have made arrangements
with the publisher of the CHICAGO
WEEKLY NEWS which enable US to
club that paper with the ADVERTISER
at the very low price of 50 per
year, a trihe over the regular price
of the ADVERTISER alone. This is
beyond question the first time that
a metropolitan weekly has been
brought within the reach of sub
Scribers at so small an additional
price.
For this comparatively small a
mount our readers can place them
selves in command of the whole sit
uation. All events of interest, To-
cal, national and foreign, will be
presented completely and promply
by one or the other of these publ
cations. The single feature of full
and trustworthy Chicago market
quotations will be worth, to many
Of our readers, more than the add.
tional amount involved in the club.
bing arrangement. To those who
are not familiar with the character
Of the CHICAGO News, we would say
1T is the best representative of in
dependent journalism in the west.
The WEEKLY News is a large
eight column folio, "cram full7 of
telegraph and general news, short
and pilhy editorials on the topics
Of the day, written in a familiar yet
lncisive style, and in all its depart.
ments evidently aims to give facts
in few words, without the verbiage
and fine writing which render so
many Of the large metropolitan
journals "a WEAKNESS to the flesh"
Facts, not words, appear to be its
motto.
We trust that all our readers will
avail themselves of this unusual
opportunity Of securing a Chicago
weekly paper at SO triflng cost.
Specimen copies of the CHICAGO
Weekly News may be seen at this
Office.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
Good Literature.

This is the appropriate name oil
a weekly newspaper at so cents a
year, which is certainly one Of the
most marvellous products Of the
now famous "Llterary Revolution
1t gives for this pittance about
twice as much matter as either
OF the $4.00 magazines, and is filled
with the latest news, that is worth
knowing, about books and authors,
condensed, pointed opinions of the
best literary critics concerning
new and standard books, with
choice readings from those of
greatest interest, reprinting some
valuable books entire. 1t is just
now giving serially "Uarda, a Ro-
nance Of Ancient Egypt" an histor-
ical novel Of remarkable interest
and beauty, which has justly won
rank by the side Of SCOTS "Ivan-
hoe" Bulwer's "Pompeii," and
Kingsley's "Hypatia." A series OF
articles on'"The Choice of Books.'
by Mr.. Chas. F. Richardson, is
worth, to any thoughtful reader,
far more than the cost Of the paper.
A specimen copy will be sent free,
or the paper will be sent three
months on trial for the nominal
price Of 10 cents, by the publishers,
the American Book Exchange,
Tribune Building, New York City.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

The old year, 1880, has been
numbered with the things that
were, and the new year, 1881, has
been ushered into existence. In en-
tering upon the new year We have
no promises TO make to our readers
further than to state that it will be
our aim in the future as it has been
in the past, to furnish them the best
country newspaper We know how
to get up-according to our ability
and limited means. II takes money
as well as unceasing toll, and nc
little perplexity, to run a newspa.
per. We wish to make improve.
ments on our paper; we need 9
new press, new type and Other
printing material, and we could and
would purchase them this year i
all in arrears would settle up. But
perhaps, we ire DEPRESSING. Feel
ing thankful, and not only SO, bu'
grateful to those of our friends who
have stood by, aided and encour
aged US during the past year, We
enter upon the labors Of another
year with the determination to try
to deserve the continued favor
confidence and support Of oul
friends. And now, to u reader.
one and all, we wish a happy ant
prosperous new year.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

DR.. J. 9. Aye1 & Co.. Of Lowell,
Mass, have favored us with a com.
plete edition of their Almanacs fol
1881, neatly bound in one volume.
Turning to its contents we find our
selves prepared to discuss the
weather with our afternoon callers
in English, German, French, Dutch,
Norwegian, Swedish, French, Span
ish, Portuguese, Bohemian. We
have as yet only perused the Eng.
lish version, and to it we are pleased
to give our unqualified endorse
ment. Though Ayers Almanac has
long been recognized as IA standard
American work, yet it makes its
advent each year with all the vigor
and freshness Of a first appearance,
and is received with a hearty wei.
come by millions, from the rising to
The setting sun. We commend il
to our readers as a work replete
with instructive and valuable in
formation.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
TooMMUNIoArED.

Ed. ADYERrIsER-Dea Sir Hera
we come again. "Ted" needs AZ.
other dose Of Don Quixote, for Ii,
hackneyed quotation directed at
fair Dulcenia:
r Let Tied" delight \
To talk an2 write,
| For It's his nature to;
And on extremes,
He always seems
His very best to do.
If others write
And say they'll fight,
and only mean to play,
He says, "be calm
And do not "jam"
Yourself in "Ieddy's way"
If one should gain
Then "Ted" SO vain
His "goober" he would win,
Though he be "meek"
And would not speak,
Or cause a word Of SIN.
Yet Ted" dothsay,
I'd like TO play
You "authors" or euchre.
"Ip will hold stakes
And see who makes,
Then eat half the "goober."
Oh, "Ted and l."
You must not try
To ridicule us so.
For we've commenced
10 recompense,
So you must needs "gO slow"
Now "Teddie, DEAR"
If you will hear
While my advice | give,
You'll drop "the pen"
Ali peaceful then,
A happy lie you'll live.
Don QUIxoTE
SAEcno PANzA.
\ Blue Mountain, Miss.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
COMMUNICATED.

The Lady Dulcenia Dultabosa, 10
that doubly knight and trne Don.
Qnixote and his faithful Sancho
Panza, greeting:
WI would, most faithful knight,
offer you our most sincere thanks
for your pledge to aid Ill our de-
tense and Expresses also, our ad,
miration Of the chivalry that leads
you to succor and defend all dis
tressed maidens, 1t is, also, our
earnest wish that your proposed
duel with the ungallant Teddy, and
| may prove as bloodless as that
ofeyOur famous prototype with The
wind.miIls.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
MOthersI Mo,hersll Mothersl.s

Are you disturbed at night and bro
ken Of your rest by a sick child suf-
ering and crying with the excruciating
pain Of cutting teeth ? If SO, 90 at once
and get a bottle of MRS. WINSLOW's
SOOTHING SYRUP. 1t win re-
lieve the poor little sufferer imme-
diately-aepend upon it; there Is no
mistake abCntit. There is nota mother
on earth who has ever used il, who will
not tell you at once hat It viii regulate
lie bowels, and give rest to the mother,
and relief and health to the child, oper.
afing like magic 1t is perfectly safe
70 useSin all cases, and pleasant to the
taste, and is the prescription of one OF
the oldest and best female physicians
AM nurses ID the United States. Sold
evarywhere. IS cents a bottle.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
AnIImperturbabIe Mltness.

1t was necessary on a certain Oc-
casion in court, to compel a wit.
ness to testify as to the way in
which a Mr.. Smith treated his
horse. @Well, sir" said the lawyer,
with a sweet and winning smile
a smile intended to drown all sus-
plcion as TO Interior purnoses-
show does Mr.. Smith generally
ride a horseg7 The witness looked
up innocently and replied: Seen
orally astradle, sir, / believe" The
lawyer again asked: @But what
gait does he rider The lmpertur.
bable witness answered: Gle new.
er rides any gate at all, sir, but I've
seen his boys ride every gate Cd
the farm.
The lawyer saw he was on the
track of a Tarter, and his next
question was very insinuating s.
"How does Dir. Smith ride when
he is in company With Others? | de-
mand q clear answer "Well, sir
said the witness, "ha keeps up with
the rest, ii bis lasse is able 10, or
if not, he falls behind.D The Law.
yer, now almost beside himself,
asked: How does he ride when he
is alones' u don't know" was The
reply, Il was never with him when
be was alone,@ aud the case drop
ped.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
How Mappiness . secured.

Happiness is the absence Of pain Of
annoyance, and wherever there is pain
there is disease. A pain in the lower
portion of the body indicates a disor-
der ofsome kind. If there is any odoi
or color or deposit in the urine, Il
means disease, and requires attention
at once. We have heard many of our
friends speak of the remarkable power
of Warmers Safe Kidney and Liver
Cure, and are convinced there ia moth.
ing 50 certain and valuable for all dis.
orders ofthe urinary system, both male
and female.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

H - M -. =
Prof. Iice's Almanac for 1881 i
out. Besides the usual Almanac
Matter, it contains the Forecasts Of
the Weather; their Wonderful
Notifications in 18SO;how to Guard
Against Lightning; When il is I'm
safe to Enter Deep Wells, Mines,
&c, how to Bake and Roast; Cause
of Blight in Fruit Trees, and much
other valuable matter. Altogeth.
er, the present.surpasses any form
er issue in practical Information /.
For sample copy and terms 10 the
trade, send 20 cents to Thompson,
lice 4 Ellington, Publishers, 500
Pine Street, st. Louis, Mo.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
Gratefully yours,
DULeINIA DULTABosA.

7. S.-The ct al referred to, while
fully appreciating and duly CRATE.
lul for the offered protection, would
say that unit! attacked no defense
is required; but, il a knightly de.
fender should be needed, would pre-
fer one who did not hedge his offer
Of services with an SIP
ET, AL.
Blue Mountain, Miss.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

"A fire occurred az Summit,
Mss on the 2srd ult,, BY which
the Masonic Hall and Times and
Sentinel printing Offices wers des-
troyed. Supposed to have been
the work Of an incendiary.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
NOTICE.
Frank Leslle.a WeekIn

The only Democratic illustrated
newspaper published will be sent
postpaid, for five weeks (until end Of
campaign for Thirty Cents. Agents
wanted in every town, Send 80 cent
fcr five weeks subscription, Or 6 cents
~ postage stamps for sample copy and
illustrated Catalogue, Clubs Of fouI
will be sent for five weeks, for cus
dollar Address FRANK LESLIE PUn-
LISTING CO.. - Dhg srREEr, Nf#
York.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

When you feel a cough or Nron
chial affection creeping on the
lungs, take Ayers Cherry Pectoral,
ana cure It before it becomes in.
durable.
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08

Every subscriber to 4 papel
should pay up once a year,
The Ripley advertiser. [volume] (Ripley, Miss.) 1843-1897, 1881-01-08
the RIPLEY ADVERTISER.

II. +. FORD, Editor and Proprietor.
The home journal. (Winchester, Tenn.) 1858-188?, 1881-04-27
Stanley, the Explorer.

Stanley, the explorer has been heard
from. In a letter dated at the mouth Of
the Congo, September Is, he says that
he has done much work, and proposes
to do much more, for establishing trade
and civilization in Africa. After equip
ping one expedition on the East Coast,
reconstructing another, exploring sew
eral districts, he has come via the Mcdi-
terrancan, to the West Coast, intrusted
with an important mission by the Inter
national Society, of which the King Of
the Belgians is the head. lie adds:
I'll am charged to open and keep
open, if possible-all such districts and
countries as | may explore for the com
mcrcial world. The mission is supported
by a philanthropic society which num-
bers noble minded men of several ma
tons. 1t is not religious society, but
my instructions are entirely of that
spirit. No violence must be used, and
wherever rejected the mission must
withdraw to seek another field. We
have abundant means, and, therefore,
we are to purchase the very atmosphere,
If any demands be made upon us, rather
than violently oppose them. A years
trial will demonstrate whether progress
can be made and tolerance be granted
under this new system. In some regions
experience t. lis me the plan may work
wonders. God grant it success every
where I have fifteen Europeans and
about two hundred natives with me. 1t
Is too early yet to say much of them;
but most of the natives seem not worth
their ra:ions. However, patience! We
shall see what time will make of us all,
and how it will mold us all anew for tho
good work"
With Stanlcy's experience and tact,
and the large means at his disposal, there
is every reason to be hoped that civii-
atlon may soon penetrate some of the
most bcnighted region of the dark con,
tilent.