Daily Republican., 1881-08-11

q
el nor can he distinguish Alright b,
tween church and meetin' house
Go to, son thou speakest as one VIII
would presently tell me which is tn
butt end ofa goat"
| AN EVEN EXCHANGE.
He: II have resolved that I''l nee
smoke again" She: 81, that all IN,
dresses shall be plaiu" He: 81 meal
to get along without my beer" She: {"
will not buy bangle all this year.
He: "From lodge and club l meau thi
year to fly" She: "One bonnet in eacl
month is all III buy" ale: M'd no
lose cash at poker now each night.
She: "All dry goods shops I'll bansl
from my sight" He: Billiards ant
pool and cards III throw aside" She
"Ill wear old frocks and get my kit
gloves dyed" He: "T'll parties shuu
and only dance with You She "pi
buy no jewels, save ring or two He
"I'll find some place where can buy
cheap clothes" She "And IN stoy
buying costly broiderel hose" " Ne
"Of resolutions, dear, there's quite a
stock" She: Enough, when broke, to
pave an entire block.
BE jabbers, said Patrick O'Raherty
Az he was reading about case of sui
eide; 'be jabbers, if liver take me own
life it will be wild chloroform.
'Niver do the loike of that, Pau,' said
Mrs. O'Rafferty, for yer inimies will
bring it up agin ye atterward as long
as ye live
4 know all that, but little III care.
It's t..e best way to dol, for ye see, Mrs,
o sfttrty, We jist do,e OFT, and ye don'i
even know ye are dead, till ye wake up
and rade about it in the papers
That's true said Mrs. O'Raferty
solemnly, and the subject was dropped.
A New York doctor of divinity own
ing a religious newspaper paid the lady
who did the most literary york $40 a
week. Last year be raised it, with
great reluctance, to $l5. A rival pub
Usher, discovering her value, made her
a handsome offer The doctor of di-
vinity raised htm by offering to marry
her, and he Is going to do it. Whether
this settlement will COST him any less
has yet to be proved. Detroit Free
Press.
The editor of the paper felt that he
must make some mention of the street
jaw betwe en- Colonel McWhapgdaug
and Major Thug, in which they called
each other swine, pirates and grave-rob-
bers. But as they were prominent men
it was very difficult subject to touch
upon, and the editor studied on i, half
an hour before he decided to say "that
they INDUCED in an interchange of
thought to the edification Of delighted
listeners. boston Post.
A prisoner, tho has been convicted
at leasts dozen times, is placed at the
bar. "Your honor, l should like to
have my case postponed for week.
My lawyer is ill., =" "But you were cap
tured with your hand in this gentle
mans pocket. What can your counsel
say III your defepce?" :'Precisely SO,
your honor. That is what am curious
to know
A couple of young men went out fish
ing and, on returning, were going past
a farm house anC felt hungry. They
yelled to the farmers daughter: "Girls,
have you any buttermilk?" The reply
was gently waited back TO their ears:
eyes, but we keepit for our own calves"
The boys calculated that they had Dusi-
ness away and they went.
A little fellow o. five going along the
street with ninner pail is stopped by
a knd-hearted gentleman. who say -
q prn | n
"To school, "And what do you do Al
school? You learn to reai?" no"
"To write" "No." "To COUNT" "No."
"What d, you do"' 81 wait for school
to let out"
A Difficult Question: Sguire's daugh.
ter -"What il this we hear about yrur
father and mother uuarrelling SO, Peg
gy?" Peggy "Thcy've each had a lit
tie money left 'em, Miss, and | think
feyther he wants the lot. Anyways,
they can't agree nohow whether her
money is his'n or his her'n, or his and
hers hern.'
A man named Josephus G. Morgan,
who is also a great nuisance, is ever
lastingly abusing the female sex. The
other day he said to John w. Smith,
"There would he fewer evils in the
world if it were not for omen. dyes"
resplied Smith, "you yourself wouldn't
be in it," And now they hardly speak.
Sergeant Cookie, a rough blustoring
fellow, and well known on the northern
circuit in England, once got from
witness more Than he gave. In a trial
Of right Of fishery he askei the wit.
ness, "Dont Won love fish ?" "Aye,'
replied the witness, with a grin. but |
dinna like Cookie sauce with it.
A New York miss Of sixteen sum
mers, who attends a private school in
that city, was told by her teacher t.
translate in-o French the sentence 81
do not wish tor a silk dress" The
teacher was ast0nished when the pupil
p. omptly replied: "I'ut you may bet
your sweet life that do"
Gilbert Stuart once met lady in
Boston. who said to him 81 have just
seen your likeness, Mr.. Stuart, and
kissed it. b cause it was so much like
you." "Aud did it kiss you in re-
turn ?" said he. "No," replied the
lady 'Then," said tho gallant paint
er. "it is not like me-"
"This isn't a menagerie," sharply
ol serv, d all irascible deacon to a man
who was trying to force passage
the crowd at church door
way. mo, l presume not" returned
the stranger, "or they wouldn't leave
any Of the animals to block up the en-
"WHy did General Washington cross
the Delaware on the ice during the
storm of All awful night?" asked
teacher of her young class in history.
" reckon" riped a small voice in
answer, ri. was because he wanted to
get on the other side"
A Man MAtrien Ais Aunt.