National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1881-01-08
THE SKIDMORE PAD.
BY DERRICK DODD.

Cant furnish you with few pads, madam 2
said an insinuating young man with high fore
head and a big wooden box under his arm, as 6
Devisadero-street matron responded to his knock
the other day.
What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the lady
Indignantly glancing down at her entirely ade
quatc proportions You'd better take 'em to thai
skinny scarecrow next door,
ALLOW me to explain, said the young man with
an ingratiating smile. "H Heaven forbid that
should suggest any improvement of your figure
ma am, which reminded me cfthe Greek slave and
things the minute You opened the door. merely
desire to call your attention to the most wonderful
invention of the age, Skidmore's Universal Ori
entail Combination Pad, for which l am the sole
agent on this coast
"One ofthcm liver-pad fellows, eh?" said the
woman rolling down her sleeves and smoothing
her hair.
Not at all, madam said the agent, unlocking
his box. u am aware that there a number O.
doubtless excellent remedies in the market livel
pads, kidney pads, lung pads, &c; but if you buy
one you must in time buy all, as it is impossible
to run Il family on any one disease, isn't it? Now
the great want of the public has not been single
speciality pad, but some sort of combined duplex
jigamaree that would snatch any ailment on the
face of the earth; and this is just the article
madam for which the combined scientists of both
hemispheres have been cropping through the
gloomy caverns of speculative chemistry from the
dim grayness of remote antiquity up to the 18th
| ultimo."
Not really?"
and s Fs Il s r aeet e s 6acTage
of red flannel half moons, with tapes attached.
q In these boons to mankind are concentrated the
| qualities Of all known pads, together with 800
! costly herbs which are thrown iii free of charge;
the whole then carbolized magnetized deodorized,
subjected to hydraulic pressure of 1000 atmOs-
pheres and COS degrees Fahrenheit, andthe demon
! of disease is laughed to scorn."
| "How nicei"
AS an invention, madam, the s. Z. o. C. ?. goes
hand in hand with Shakespeare and the sewing
machine. How many dozen did you say you
| would take?'
but I'm not Sick said the woman, almost per-
suaded.
Anybody can see that you are in the very rose
! bud flush of health Browning says; but il
mayn't last long. The atmospheric is full of maSma
Just now, and the death angel is cavOrting around
| the worst way. The cures performed by our Pad
| are simply paralyzing to the mind. Do you know
Mrs. McSkillet?"
She said she didn't.
"Wcll, Mrs. Mes had q headache the other
day. and she just shifted one of our inventions up
from her foot, where it was finishing up sprained
ankle and two bunions, and applied it to the back
of her head In less than ten minutes the ache had
left her. and she got st the same time some SPLEEN
did ideas for trimming her winter bonnet Be
sides she found that her freckles had been drawn
clear through under her back hair where they
can't be SEEN"
GOOD graciousr'
"Fact, though Why, know a man out in Hayes
Valley who has more diseases than you could
shake stick at, and he keeps perfectly well by
lust shifting his pad somewhere else every half
hour. II cured Petaluma preacher of pneu-
mona and t0bacc0-cheWing, and a child up at
Kelseyville who was dying OF the cholera got well
Just because one accidentally brought into the
room by man who was using it for consumption
and profanity. Cured him, too. Old DR.. Bolts
pulled his tooth with one, and the same day found
so gold piece and was nominated for coroner"
az have little rheumatic in the left knee some
times" said the woman thoughtfully; "but 1
should think one of these things would be hard to
keep on" and she blushed deeply.
Not if properly secured, exclaimed the padder,
earnestly. ALLOW lie to arrange one myself I'll
guarantee it will remain until removed by force.
Permit me, my dear madam And after few
moments of bashful hesitation she led the way
into the sitting-room.
And here gentle reader, let US leave them to
their new found happiness. There are some
scenes too sacred, some moments too holy to be
violated by the cold eye Of worldly criticism. If
the invisible spirits that attend upon the mys-
FERROUS imp;;::!ses of humanity veil their suli
ing faces at such times 60 can we. Come away
upon tiptoe, kind reader; come away.
[NoTs-The above idiOtic concluding sentence
has nothing to do with realistic incident
whatever. 1t properly belongs to an imbecile
love story printed on an inside page, and was
wedged in here by the mistake of some miserable
outcast off compositor, who shall die by our hand
ba in no nIr1sin of n
mirable item will be found tackled 10 the story in
question. The reader may confidently look for
police court item headed Unsuitable Homicide
in to-nlorroW's Issue.