The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1881-01-21
Spoopendyke's Rival.
Mr.. Kelly Teaches His Wife Fencing.
tRockland Courier.I

lhockland COurteri
'Therel" exclaimed Mr.. Kelly, looking up
from his paper, ''that would be good thing
for you.''
"What would?" asked his wife,
Fencing" replied Mr.. Kelly.
"Fencing!" she echoed in surprise. III ney-
or could build a fence
whats the use to be an IDIOT" retorted
her husband with considerable asperity "I
mean the art of sword playing. Here-let me
read you: Fencing Is now regarded as fully
introduced into fashionable circles for the
amusement of the ladies. 1t is wholesome,
fascinating exercise, admirably adapted to
women. Married ladies are even more bene-
fitted than the unmarried-and lots more to
the same effect" said Mr.. Kelly. "How dye
spose you'd like it?''
"Well, don't know" said his wife doubt
fully. "How Is it done?"
'Oh. they generally use small swords-foils,
they are called, but you might begin with q
stick, and I'll show you how if you want me
to-"
"You say it's fashionable?" Mrs Kelly hesi-
tatingly asked?''
Says SO right here" exclaimed her hus-
band. "What dye say" he went on enthusi-
astically, "shall we begin now? You need ex-
ercise, Martha, and I've noticed for some
time that you was becoming sedentary-that's
what the paper says right here in this piece.
Shall we begin?'
Mrs Kelly reluctantly consented and her
husband, inspired with the idea, dashed out
into the shed and presently returned with two
laths which he had wrenched off the hem
coop.
"Now, then," he exclaimed, pulling off his
coat while his wife moved the tables and chairs
out Of the way, "this is the way it is done,'
and he instructed his wife how to hold the
representative foil. while he made prelimina-
ry passes in the air to demonstrate the method
OF exchanging blows. "Now, to make it more
real and pleasant" he continued, "we'n call
1t the fencing scene in Hamlet"
"Oh, that will be ever so NICE" Mrs. Kelly
exclaimed, "and I'll be Mr.. Hamlet"
"On, yes" sneered Mr.. Kelly, "a healthy
Hamlet you'd be. Who ever saw a Hamlet
with red hair and mole on his chin. I'll be
Hamlet myself.
His wife graciously yielded the point to save
dispute, and contented herself with acting as
"Mr. Laertes," the other character.
"Come on, now," said Mr.. Kelly assuming a
jaunty position, with his lath in the air and
his left hand behind his back for protection.
His wife grabbed her lath with both hands,
threw It energetically aloft, and knocked
globe Oft the chandelier.
"Oh, that's the way" growled Mr.. Kelly as
she stopped to pick up the debris. Hamlet
would have done just that way
II didn't know was right under the burn
er, protested his wife as she throw the broken
glass in the stove and resumed her lath.
Now be more careful this time" said Mr..
Kelly, as she again took up her position. "No
don't hold your foil like that-you amt going
to beat no carpets. There-that's more like
it-now them"
The laths ratified against each other few
times, and Mrs. Kelly received terrific clip on
the hand that removed the skin from three
knuckles and evoked loud yell from that la
ga hit-a palpable hit 'eefully exclaimed
Mr.. Kelly, as his wife droaped into q char
and hugged her hand.
''It almost broke my fingers" walled his
wife.
"Mustn't mind little thing like that" Mr..
Kelly remarked, as she bound up the injured
member.
~ guess you wouldn't call it little thing"
"Pooh" retorted Mr.. Kelly; "a man
wouldn't notice dozen cracks Of that sort.
Come on, now"
His wife picked up her lath again in dis
pirited sort of way, and crossed Mr.. Kelly's
foil.
Look out. now" he said excitedly. I'm
coming for you with the death blow, and YOU
want to look out for me-"
This bit of information had the effect of
stimulating his wife to extraordinary efforts,
and the fois struck fire at every blow, while
Mrs. Kelly's lath performed variety Of gyra-
tions simply marvellous in their eccentricity.
Here come" shouted the excited Mr. Kel-
| ~, and he lowered his foil for the finishing
| stroke. AT that instant his wife's lath was
| performing most astounding evolution in the
| air and in the confusion of the moment that
| worthy lady brought it down with a degree of
| spirit totally unlooked-for in one of such sed-
| entary habits, catching her husband neatly
across the ear and knocking him with great
| precipitation over chair.
"What dye do that for?" he yelled as he
struggled to his feet and hung on to his aching
head.
Il didn't go to-" pleaded his wife, abashed
and awed by the unlucky termination of their
pleasure.
"Oh, no. you didn't go to-" shrieked Mr..
Kelly In passion-torn voice, dancing about
the room and rubbing his injured ear, "oh, of
course not-you wouldn't have done it for tie
world"
You mustn't mind little thing like"
None of your back talk round here"
shouted Mr.. Kelly; ''you take and lug them
laths out in the shed, and the next time Won
want any exercise don't you ask me TO help
you out with none of your foolish notions
and as his wife meekly gathered up the re-
mains OF their encounter, he jumped into his
boots and went outdoors to rub some snow on
his swollen ear.