The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1881-03-30
PALPIT4TLNG ED4E "a TIE.
" AUTHENTIC HISTORY or HIS
SUFFBRENGS rs FAR
AS IT GOES.
the Editor of The Morristown Gazette:

I
to Democracy you would besa. sweet
smelling herb; but as it is you have
such a Sfanfeses twins hkerelation to
the old thing that it gives you a sort
of .dead-smell Now, my dear old
friend, in my younger days you took
notice of some few of my troubles
which induces me to say to you that
| am Just now about half way out OF
the biggest batch of troubles you
ever heard of according to my hon
est Judgment On or about the 9TH
of February, 1881, | was suffering
pains of various kinds and charac-
tiers in about three-quarters of my
anatomy. In this emergency, l APP
piled to my friends Livingston and
Stubblefield to come to my relief
But they were both engaged, q mean
had business of their own-every-
body knows Nathan Stubblefeld
will never get engaged in the gener-
al sense of the word to anything.
Any way, neither of them could GO
on the trip for me, and (whoever
heard Of me flinching about the time
of change of administrations p
stuck to the old car until Saturday
night, suffering fearfuIly all the time.
Thence forward, for three weeks, the
Lord above only knows what l said:
did or suffered | saw strange Wis
ions and dreamed strange dreams,
one of which was relative to you,
Mr.. senior editor, and myself when
we were younger men than we are
to-day. | thought we were travell-
ing in Ireland, to spend our surplus
ducats and expand our youthful in
tellects, and while there we met up
with two beautiful young Irish la
dies, with whom we tarried for a
twelvemonth, very pleasantly, when
we thought it was time to attempt a
mysterious disappearance, which it
seems we succeeded in doing, as we
next turned up in America and in
the bosoms of our families. In the
fruition of this new happiness We
came to sudden grief by the arrival
at our homes of the identical Irish
ladies, accompanied by couple of
young Celtic-American chaps, whom
they insisted should at least receive
attention at our hands. 0, Lord, |
reckon we heard the grandest, loud
est Irish-American quarrel then that
ever took place on this continent.
Just as my wife pointed her finger
at me and commenced mentioning
the name of Brigham Young
awoke Great Caesar what a re
lief
But, as [ was going on to say on
my arrival home the Saturday afore-
said, l found myself suffering with
0tttis me0tia penrutante. The in
fammation from this otis, etc, etc ,
extended backward to the cells of
the mastoid process, and also to the
antrum and newmatic spaces in
front of the aurE,l seriously affect
ing the eustachian tubes, thence up
ward in direct line to the squam-
GUS portion Of the temporal bone of
the Uranium, eau ''ag local menin-
getius and leaving ...e suffering in
tensely with copl:u is. Thence, as I
suppose, by the Wandering Of some
arterial passage 10 my right lung,
where l am credibIy informed it
caused a severe attack of ne,omoney,
WHICH, with periodical attacks of
malaria, gumbQrils, etc, make up in
brief the principal points in the di-
agnosis Of " my late illness" 0, l
could fill a page of your old GAZETTE
with the various kinds Of pains l
suffered. They extended in various
lines and channels from the crown of
my head to the sole Of my feet, and
thence back by entirely different
routes to the crown of my head once
more,
But [ am growing prolix. A few
warningremarks as to a smallportiOn
of my medical treatment and | close.
One of the first dangerous things l
now remember was a repeated APP
plcation Of croton oil in the region
of the aurum, which caused the skin
to swell and become very raw. This
was followed by various applications
Of iodine, which was to set it on fire
and make my head feel like young
Vesuvius. For my lungs, abdomen
and other parts a favorite external
remedy was a Spanish fly plaster,
which estimated in size to be about
two acres and a half And | want
to say to you right here that the
awkwardest position / was ever put
in was to have these blisters dressed
in the presence of two or three
preachers. / shudder to think of
what | hope I passed through credi-
tably to my previous good reputa-
ton. Of the many dozens of inter
nal remedies, some of which were
embellished with a beautiful picture
of a scqll and cross bones, one was a
celebrated mixture by q Scotchman
whose name viii ever be embalmed
in my memory if it is excluded from
this history. l had to take it through
a long quill or reed and hold my
breath until | had rinsed my mouth
with an all1ali. Twice | succeeded
without strangling myself to death.
The third attempt broke my luck. /
swallowed some of the alkali, and,
heavens and earth what an explo-
sion in my breadbasket! 1t is sim
ply. impossible to describe it. Now,
dear sir, can talk a little yet, and
if you have a good strong voice and
can gestioqlate right we'll may be
able to understand part Of what you
say to me. Hence I defer the re-
for a vis-a-yis confab. i
Yours, jubilqntly,