The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1881-02-04
VARIETIES.

-"Anty, vat makes the little baby cry so
Do 1t want its mudder% eyes, dear, and its
fodder, too"
When you say that a girls hair is as
black as coal, it is just as well TO specify
that you do not mean red-hot coal.
-"Gravity," said one of our learned judges,
lis no more proof of wisdom than n paper
collar is of mans having shirt on"
Love is an internal transport" exclaims
an enthusiastic poet. $50 is a canal boat p
said practical old forwarding merchant.
old lady Ito modest curate): "Lor', sir,
| do like to ear you preach extrumpery =
Your language is that wonderful fluid I"
Josh Billings says: when young
man amt fit for nothing else, l like tew see
him carry goldheaded cane. If he can't
buy cane let him part his hair in the mid
die"
Somebody has started the story, that
when young boarding school miss was in
formed there were no gooseberries for sauce
she wanted to know what had become of the
goose.
"A South Hill debating club Is wrest-
ling with, "Can community exist without
womanP" We think it might exist for a
while, but then it wouldn't know what was
going on.
Near sighted sportsman (who has made
succession of misses(-"Have / hit ANYTHING
this time, Rodgers? ' Disguised keeper
"Yes'er you've hit the dog"
"A loquacious blockhead, after babbling
some time to Lord Erskine, observed he was
afraid he was intruding on his lordships ear
"Oh, not at all" said Erskine, 81 have not
been listening"
An old lady, reading an account of the
death of Il venerable and distinguished law
yer, who was stated to be the father of the
| Philadelphia Bar, exclaimed-"Poor man he
| had dreadful noisy set of children"
"A painter who was well acquainted with
| the dire effects of the law had to represent
two men-one who had gained q law suit
| and another who had lost one. He painted
the former with shirt on and the last naked.
-"sit down." said handsomely dressed
and vivacous young lady at fashionable
watering place-"sit down, it's about the
only thing you can do here without paying
for it,"
Wishing to pay his friend compli-
ment, a gentleman remarked: II hear you
have very industrious wife" "Yes," re-
piled the friend, with melancholy smile, "she
10 never idle She always finds something
for me to do"
-"Wel," said Ellington, majestically,
Eve mustn't he too severe on the young fel-
lows, suppose was as big a fool as any of
them when l was young" YES" replied
Fogg, land you are not an old man now, Bill
lington."
"A defeated candidate is like the old
bachelor who says he once fell in love with
a beautiful young lady, but abandoned all
idea Of marrying her when he found that she
and all her folks were opposed to the match.
One of Hartfords popular dry goods
merchants was asked the other day how he
spent his evenings. His reply was, "At
night store my mind, and during the day
mind my store" He was alive at last ac-
counts.
When the Hindoo priest ia about to bap-
tie an infant, he utters the following beauti-
full sentiment: Little babe, thou enterest
the world weeping, while all around thee
smile contrive to live that you may depart
in smiles. while all around you weep"
AT a public gathering lately in New
York, one ofthe gentlemen present was call
ed upon for speech, and this is how he
responded: Gentlemen an women | amt
no speecher. More'n twenty years back
came here a poor idiot boy, and now what
are IP'
How are you and your wife coming
onp" asked a Galveston man of colored
man.
"she has run me off, boss"
whats the matterw
81 is to blame, boss. gave her splendid
white silk dress, and den she got so proud
she had no use for me. She lowed l was
too dark to match de dress" Galreston
Neps
-FitZnoodle was out again worrying the
life out of the ducks with his shot gun He
blazed away at some ducks and an unseen
man on the other side of the pond rose up,
threateningly, with long gun, and called
out did you shoot at mep"
did any of the shot hit your" inquired
Fitznoodle.
eyes, they did," said the man rubbing his
legs.
"Then you may be certain didn't shoot at
you. never hit anything | shoot at"
Names are things" was the trisyllabic
remark of celebrated British statesman
Even 80 in Maryland Lawyer was
ton tour through the northern portion of
Hartford county he stopped at the house of
farmer, who asked him what he was. The
lawyer, not knowing the farmers politics,
and wishing to be on the safe side, answered,
after moments hesitation, that he was n
Democratic Republican" "a whatP" "a
Democratic Republican" repeated the legal
gentleman. "Well, sir" said the man of the
soil, slowly II am very fond of turkey, Gerry !;
but l don't like turkey-buzzard."
"A darby came to Galveston justice of
the peace and asked for warrant for the az
rest of Jim Walton
whats he done?"
"He stole my chickens, dar's de fedders in
his yard.
"How do you know those feathers belong
ed to your chickens2"
"Ikin prove it by Colonel Jones, but
doesn't like to have him brong inter court,
case he is 30 modest like"
whats the matter with Colonel JonesP"
Nothing, boss, but to tell de troof, eber
since stole his chickens loses all confidence
in de man as soon as he looked me square
in de face"
He COULDN'T HELP LAUGHING-"I had
misgivins, boss" the waiter said to the land
lord who was questioning him about his con-
duct toward the tall gentleman in blue clothes,
who sat by the door. ~ had my suspicious
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