Weekly graphic. [volume] (Kirksville, Adair Co., Missouri) 1880-1949, 1881-08-19
MAKING MILLIONS nAPPr.
The Remarkable Scheme Of Uncle
Rufus HatchHA Wonderful
Discovery.
From the New York Sun.

nopolies are blessings in disguise. May.
be they are. don't know. But II they
are, they will eventually solve the prob
lem of civil-s.ryice reform, making
childs play Of the science OF govern.
ment. and revOlutionize every acre Of
the Union. Trade and commerce, min
ing and manufactures, morals and man.
ners-everything will be turned inside
out. All we have to do is to boil down
all public and private enterprises in the
crucible of consolidation. What plQ
thing for the world it would lie it all the
railroads were consolidated into one
company! Only think what blessing
to have only one dime museum, one tail
or, and one axle-grease manufact0ry
We could have one toothbrush maker,
one antique furniture establishment,
single insect-powder mill, and one
manufacturer Of artificial eyes. Ny,
but 1t would he a great blessiEg!
Here Uncle Rufus placed MS feet on
the round of his chair and began to fan
himself. I'VE would have one gran d
boarding-house,' he continued, ''one
saw-mill and one shooting gallery.
There wonld be huge hair. pin factory.
and one tremendous shop for the man
utacture Of moving machines. One
importer could supply the country with
sausage caslngs and curled hair. We
would have one iron foundry and one
homeopathic medicine factory; one
banking house and one boot-blackinR
establishment: one landscape architect
and one junk dealer; one kerosene null,
one whiskey rectitier. and one aavoring
extract establishment. My. my what a
blessing it would be-
Uncle Rufus dropped his feet from
the round of his char and eagerly bent
should be-" said he. I'VE would have
but one electric hight company and only
one razor-strop establishment; one
great college and one immense Chinese
laundry; one musuem Of art and one
grand peanut stand; one brewery, one
beer saloon, and one manufacturer Of
wooden toothpicks. The more you look
at it the happier you become. Only
think of having only one President,
one Senator. one member OF Congress,
one candidate, and one vote. It's
enough to make man dance with de-
light to think that there would he only
one Court, one Judge, one lawyer, one
detective and one Jail. We could have
one soldier, one sailor one Custom
House, and one stock-broker. This
would aStonish the French. There
would be but one farm, one potato patch
and one onion field. This would dumb
found the Irish Then we should have
one editor, one reporter. one newspaper,
and one lunatic asylum. Oh, 1t would
he tremendously gloriously tremen-
dous.'
Here Uncle Rufus again hitched the
heels of his Oxford ties ON the round Of
his chair and famed himself vigorously.
There would be but one orthodox
preacher he continued: his sermon
would be telephoned by one telephone
to every church in the county. Every
thing would be done by clock-work, and
every man and woman would be sure
TO hear a good sermon. We could boil
the Mutual. the Automatic, and Rapid
Transit telegraph lines down with the
Western Union. and make everybody
supremely happy. Then we might have
one handorgan. one hay-eutter, jews
harp, one pedestrian. and one negro
minstrel My. but it would be wonder
fully pleasing, if not pleasingly won
dertul.
"Of course. said Uncle Rufus, such
Il universal consolidation would shake
up the dry bones. There would he
precious scattering OF great titles.
Many bank president won d return
to his post AS Office boy. and many
railroad President would again become
abra keman Many telegraph king
might be compelled to climb his poles
for a living, and many dry goods
dealer nigh. become cash boy. You
might heara statesman crying Hot
corn. or .clams!' ana you might see
MANY real estate owner fOurishinR
q pick or shovel. Many an editor
would go to killing hogs, and many
steamboat mohalch would spend the
remainder cfhis days on the deck of =
a canal boat. Many a LAWYER would
begin to polish the handle of the big
front door, many doctor might begin to
develop muscle IN other directions than
making pills, and many a clergyman
might sell pies and molasses candy. 1t |
is gigantic undertaking and Of course
it will met some opposition, but all
right minded and dispassionate men
would approve o. it if things go on as
they are now gong. It's judiclously
political if not politically judicious.
But the most glorious part of this |
glorious scheme" babbled Uncle Rufus,
SIS vet 70 come, Everything could be
into one great head, and
controlled by one great master mind.
The nation and the whole world might |
be kept moving in perfect accord with |
his ideas. 1t would be miraculously
if not astoundingly mlrac-
alous.''
But where could you find a man ca
pable of filling such a position?" we
asked.
Hush" whispered Uncle Rufus.
I've found the very man. Nature
nodded him for this very place. In
of purpose. intelligence moral
ty, benevoience, talent, and beauty of
ace and figure he is unequaied. His
innocent simplicity gives him unsoli-
,ited popularity. Best ef all, he has
lad his head examined by the phrenol-
,eists, with most wonderful results.
They have gwen him certificate that
ought to satisfy the world. Every man
must have his head examined and pass
his same ordeal before civil service re-
ol m Is an accomplished fact"
But who is this wonderful man. We