National Republican., 1881-02-21
AN lNTcavIEW AT MENTOR.
Its Real History as Told by n Graphic
Shadoyy-Ynst F2ef0rr.S Gaming

Its Real History rs Told by Graphic
Shadow-vast Reforms Coming.
When the library door closed behind
the two great men the visitor carefully applied his
majestic eye to all the cracks and keyholes Then
he sat down and opened carpet-bag No. l. He
brought two bags-both were full. He drew the
huge bundle of documents from bag No. l. They
were labeled 81 Plans and Propositions for the
Great Coming Administration of Prosperity and
Success"
Said he:
General, we must hitch horses and have rip
roaring administration this time"
Garfield-We must We must! Shakei Shall
it be rye this time?
Visitor-Aye! Ryel General, you will stock
the White House cellar, won't you? The reign OF
cold water goes out on the 4th, doesn't it?
Garfield-It does, me boy. cargo OF West
India rum is now on its way. I've already ordered
Mrs. HIS cold-water pump to be unscrewed from
the head of the dining table.
Visitor-Now, General, this is my schedule for
reforms. We must touch the people. We've been
firing over their heads too long. We must do
something vital-do something they can feel, see,
hear, understand. propose then
First-To reduce ten cent cigars to three cents.
Second-Fifteen- cent drinks to six.
Third-Start Government restaurants all over
the land as good as DelmOnicos at One-third the
price.
Fourth-Put Government in possession of all the
railroads and sell tickets do postage stamps.
Carry a man as we now do a letter-same price for
ten miles as for ten hundred
Fifth-Same chance and system in telegraphy.
Three-cent kilograms to San Francisco.
Sixth-Give every deaf man and woman an ear
trumpet.
Seventh-Corral all the tramps and ship 'em to
France.
Eighth-Establish Government kitchens for the
manufacture of united soups of the best quality,
to be sold at twenty live cents per gallon
Ninth-Extend the presidential term TO six years
at least.
Tenth-Move the capital from Washington to the
geographical centre of the country somewhere in
the Mississippi Valley. Establish there an i'm
mense Government electric light factory, which
shall radiate light TO every city, town, village,
hamlet and farm house in the land.
Eleventh-Pension the present New York police
commissioners for life, and turn them out on con-
dition that pension stops if ever again they offer
themselves for Office.
Twelfth-AppOint Ben Butler for life as street
cleaner of New York at 100000 per year salary.
Thirteenth-GiYe the press place in the Cab
met.
Fourteenth-Give every newspaper cores pond
ent foreign consulate.
Fifteenth-Offer 100000 reward for sure cure
for hydrophobia.
|. Sixteenth-Build a big line of Government
steamers to Europe. with restaurants on board
Meals at so much plate. Lodgings 81 per day on
board. Each steamer to carry one thousand pas
sengeTs.
Seventeenth-Give every American sculptor an
order for a statue of somebody at the new capital
on the Mississippi.
Seventeenth and hal-Painters ditto.
Eighteenth-Ofer Government premium for
early marriages.
Nineteenth-Kill all the Indians with kindness.
Garfield-Is that all?
Visitor-No, General. No, not quite. The other
plans and specifications for our administration
Garfield-Our?
Visitor-Ours, of course.
Garfield-DOnt you mean yours?
Fisitor-No, oh no; ours.
Garfield-You must mean "Yours," Senator.
VisitOr-Didn't Isay Ours?"
Garfeld-Yes, you said Ours" but didn't you
mean Yours?'
Visitor-I meaht Ours" ] say what mean,
and mean what say. said ours"
Garfeld-Oh, 1 am sure you mean Yours"
ViSitOr-No; Ours"
GarieId-YoursI
Visitor-Ours!I
Garield-Yours, Yours!
Visitor-Ours! Ours!!
Garfeld-Yours! Yours! Yours,!I
Visitor-Ours, Ours! Ours.!r
Garfield-Yours Yous!! YOurs!y Yours.
I say yours.
visitor-Good day. sir! Good day! You reject
my offer, sir.
Garfield-Yours?
Visitor-Beware, SIR Recolect Don't you un-
derstand me, sir am!
Garfeld-So am I, sir!!! So amI!!!
VisitOr-Ours.I
Garfield-Yours! (By the door of Garfeld's
library. Bang)