Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1881-08-13
HOW TO OPEN 4 DOOR.

/ mere mao Dctl Two OF ti4iCt Nttl W tttib II
\ weather, and Mrs Slater had complained TO
her worthy spouse that the doors IN the
house stuck exasperatingly whenever she
tried to open them" and requested that a
I professional in The use of thcsaw and plane
be called Ill az oIcc to remedy the evil.
"The house is new" Slater said, and
these little things must be expected. Ia
4 few DAYS the doors viii work all right
arain. and a carpenters bill be saved.
Practice little patience my dear" lie ad-
F.. ded "you know youare very quick tera-
pered, and if anything doee not wgrh ipst
as YOU wish it at the first attempt, you be
4 come perfectly unreasonable"
Mrs. Slater east at her lord one withering
glance Of scorn but said never a word.
+ There was apccuiar set to her lips which
I seemed TO say: "Wait, oh, man, until you
try one Of those doors, and then well see
where the patience comes in"
They were TO 20 10 The opera next even
ing, and Slater sat reading 4 paper III the
sitting room, while his wife was arraying
herself in all her best iinery in the bed
chamber up stairs Slater, man like, was
! already, With the exception of putting on
his hat and gloves."
At last Mrs. Slater was ready, and pro-
/ ceeded toward the door TO so down stairs.
She tool, hold of the knob, turned H. and
pulled; but the door stack tighf et the top
and would only open : little yay atthe bgt-
tom. to spring back shut when she ceased
70 pull at it. Thru she thought Of her
husbanIs advice, haYe little patience
so she pulled NJ it gently, bu. the door only
kept IL, its old trick Of opening on inch or
two at the bottom 20 spring back when she
casej Up
"Ncw, amt this toomean, she exclaimed,
and then, happening to glance at the clock
whose hands pointed TO 1880, she took hold
of the knob iicrcely and gave 1t sudden,
very strong pull. Rip went her new old
( gold" lid glove down the back; but TIE
+ door still stuck There were tears III her
eyes and murder IN her heart as she
Z took hold of the knob with both hands and
braced herself for business. She puled
with all her might, and the door gave lit
tie. and then sprung back with such force
that it Brought her up on hptoos. This
was repeated several times. With each al
tempt the GOOD lady became redder IN tie
/ face. and put more Siminto her pulls. II
! nally. as She threw leI whole strength into
the effort. the door suddenly swung open
with her. with so much force that she fell
back oyer a chair and stood on her head in
her new duck of a bonnet, which she had
intended should have been the cynOSurc oil
all female eyes on that eventful evening.
Slater was startled in the midst OF an ar
tice on the reorganization of the party by
2 crash overhead and series Of shrieks
that proclaimed either a burglar, q fire, or
"A mouse Rushing up stairs, three steps
at a time, and in through the oren door, he
was met by the sight of a pair OF co.ored
/ stockings wildly waving through the air.
( From beneath this most appalling vision
came the sliraks For moment Slater
stood spellbound; but only for 4 piouent.
I X became apparent to him that an impor-
/ ta.t member o. his household was in need
/ Of immediate reversal rs TO her understand
/ inc Without ado he FASTENED 10 the res
cue. and soon Mrs. Slater was seated in the
/ chair which lad PLAYED such an important
part in her discontinue. Between her hc
( She at last related the catastrophe which had
T hapDcacd 40 .he end OF a few sentences
/ Of sympathy, Slater, foolish man, could not
resist the opportunity to say My dear,
/ this only goes TO demonstrate the truth oi
/ what told you only yesterday about these
very doors. Had YOU but shown little
patience This would not have happened. !"
"Ohl YOU brutew she cried, as the sobs
again became violent; " would Just Ike
+ to see some OF your patience exhibited IN
/ opening that door"
/ "My dear, YOU shall" " the insane man re-
piled. as he proceeded to close the cause of
/ the trouble. Having accomplished this
/ part of the programme he turned to Mrs.
/ Slater 10 say: a door that sticks should
always be firmly taken hold Of thus, and
/ then with Il quick, strong rull open 1t
comes" saying which he gave quick,
strong pull. and the door opened inst few
/ inches at the bottom, and sprang shut with
such force that il brought Slater's head up
against 10 witha bang that could be heard
+ a!l over the house. end drove his nose so
/ FIR back into his mead that he could hardly
shut his mouth.
"Oh. you won't, chw he Kissed when lie
recovered his breath: well see II you
won't, my beauty"
Then he gaiep. pull that would hare de-
cided a tug OF wax for the championship !;
/ his hands slipped Oh the knob and he turn
( ed Z back somersault that would have Sc
cured him an engagement il the best circus
going. and brought UP agrinst the centre
/ table with the ba-k Of his head in q way
that made the stars dance al around him.
he Jag thus for 4 mOmcrt, seemingly en-
deaYoring 20 make ap his mind just where
he vas; the while Mrs. slater wac watch
ing him IN dazed sort Of way.
He rose to his feet, and with "A rild look
I'm his ewes and certain rnstcaGne about
his coif once more approached the cDcmy.
This time be ,o0k The plccauticn io careful
r. wipe the perspiration FROM biz Lards.
f lie lsid hold Of the fatal knob lic plant
F el his feet ARMY ahouteighieen inches from
the door, and thor first slraightenmg uP lie
bought his h0dy into the shape Of letter
y IS he gave q pull that wouldhayc shamcd
q car-horse. Tie door came open a. though
struck by battcriDg ram; it smOtc against
the TOP Of elatcr's hald head with q crash
thas iu addition 20 tho momentum he had
obtained BY his pull, sent him into the lap
Of Mrs. Slater and carried herself aud the
char over with him into one vast wrec~ in
the corner ..
As The poul,ices were being applied 70 his
head and nose later in the evening, Slater
was heard to remark that "a woman was
always in the way when man tried 70
open door,
"Whatw shouted q North IN orator, in
a burst Of feryid enthusiasm. Whit was
Burlington twenty-five Yeas ago2' and 4
thin man with adespairing couEtcnance got
up in the audience and replied, fecbly,
Burlington. wasn't itg" And then the OF
ator said he hoped that his cleavc might
roof IN tbp four1p of his RIGHT hand III b0