Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-04-16
CHOICE CHIT CHAT
On Moral and Miscellaneous
Matters.


Matters.
Culled for Saturdays Register.
Every one, il is said, has mission, but
IL seems to he the mission Of very few
people 10 mind their own business alone.
Everybody is merciful towards him.
self, but be can't conceive why other
people should make a blunder or COM
NIT a wrong.
When certain ladies fail in making
match the difficulty, it is said, is not that
they have no birthstone, but that they
have no spark.
The trouble with life is not that there
are so many things to learn, but that
there are so many things to unlesrn be-
fore We begin 10 learn.
The Admiral OF CASTLE declared that
when a man marries and when he goes
to war he ought to be prepared for any
thing that may happen.
When we hear man boast OF the
length of his ancestry we are reminded
OF the quaint saying Of the farmer, THE
older the seed the worse the crop
There are a great many moralists IN
the void who can write a good pre-
scription for honest living but who
seldom take any OF their own medicine.
IL is a curious fact that dead sheep
has not as many legs as a live one.
When alive the sheep is a quadruped,
but when dead there are two legs oil
mutton and two fore shoulders.
Men of small capacity can bear neither
great i'll fortune nor great good fortune.
Men OF great capacity, says Hare, have
two highest tides-vhen the moon is at
the full and when there is no moon.
Dean Swift was more pungent than
consoling when he declared that men
who suddenly become virtuous in their
old age after having lived as they pleased
all their lives are only making sacrihce
to God OF the DEVILS leavings.
II would be better for Us all il we had
the simple faith of the poor negro who
said, ''Ii see in de Bible that | must
lump through stone wall Pm gwine to
lump at il. Coin through il belongs to
God; jumpin' at it belongs to me-"
A sharp retort, no matter whom it
hits, is a pleasant thing to record.
When celebrated physician, who was
late to dinner, was found walking in a
graveyard some one said, "Ah, see he
has Just stepped out to visit few OF his
old patients"
1t was a severe commentary, but there
was some truth in it after all. When a
groom said of mule that when he was
offended he bore malice like sChristian,
he added in explanation that the beast
bore the malice until he found a good
chance to kick.
Plato, in giving a definition OF man,
saws he is two legged animal without
feathers. Socrates laughed at the idea,
and bringing a rooster stripped OF its
feathers into the school Of the philo'
sopher. exclaimed, behold the man of
Platow Adam Smith improved the
definition by saying, "Man is an animal
that makes bargains. No other animal
does; no dog exchanges bones with
another dog"
The Irishman can't tell story with
out making it incredible. He filters or
binary events through his imagination,
and they are no longer recognizable.
"Does that little bit OF pig eat much,
Pat?" "Mucb, Your HONOR" was the
answer. "well, Your Honor, I'll tell
the plain truth about that pigs appe-
lite. He'll eat two whole pals OF milk,
and vet when he's got it all slowed
away can put him into one OF the pals
and he won't more than half fill 1t. He's
a wonderful pig, but not much profit to
poor man.
1t is said that while women are in
general very ready to forgive an injury
and have an altogether higher Christian
tone than men, there are, nevertheless,
some offences OF so grave character
that they can never be forgiven or for
gotten. What those offences are may
be learned from the philanthropic re-
mark OF peacemaker. Il can make up
the quarrel between these two ladies'
ne said, provided neither has said to
the other that she was homely or an old
maid. II those words have passed their
lips nothing but death can cure the
wound"
One of the reasons why ministers are
not more personal in their application
OF religious truth is that if they preach
on any one OF the sins mentioned in the
Decalogue they are sure to become Of
iensiye to the pew holders. A glitter
ing generality which merely suggests
that men are not all they ought to be is
about the sharpest rebuke in which q
popular minister can indulge. Pom
pey," said a slave owner to one OF his
chattels, don't you think the negroes
are in the habit OF stealing my chick
ensP" "I'se mighty 'fraid they does,
massa," was the reply. "Then, since
YOU are such a celebrated preacher, why
don't YOU mention il to the congrega-
ton % The darky hesitated a moment
and then replied: "Well, massa, it's a
pretty delicate subtle is stealth chick
ems, an il should dwell too long upon
it, it might throw kind ofcoldness over
the meetin'."
II you don't take your fun when it is
offered you may lose it altogether.
Whenever you have an opportunity to
laugh IN this overserious world you had
better begin to cachinate at once, because
no man csn say, Il will laugh to-mor-
row." for tomorrow may bring him
something quite different. A German,
while crossing field, saw a bull cut