Daily Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1876-1884, 1881-12-21
DEsPoNDENT HEALTH OFFICER.
Doctor Winston INDUCES In Some PhilosophiE-
ing on Matters and Things In Los AngeIes--
A Lament and Retrospect.

Passing in front of the First Ma.
tional Bank this morning our
reporter ran into the arms of our
genial and efficient Heslth Officer.
Both raised hats. began to explain,
and conversation, somewhat like
this, took place:
| Reporter beg pardon, Doctor.
hope you're not much Jared. Both
pretty heavy men. you know. But
you seem in hurry ?
| Doctor--Hurry I! Well, should
think 1 was. Busy as boy kill
ing three snakes.
| Reporter-What! more births ?
More happy mothers and excited
fathers ?
Doctor-No, sir, no such thing.
Births are q good thing. Encour-
ages strangers to settle here. But
this thing I'm worrying about is a
dastardly attempt to run the town
down.
just at this juncture two females
emerged from Ponet & Orr's flu
neral navigating shop, and as they
passed, one, with u face like =
hatchet, remarked; "Well, she
never looked SO we'll or so pretty
In all her life before ~
There, said the irate Doctor,
there Is an instance in point. Po-
net Il Orr have gone into the BUSH
ness OF embalming the dead, and
they make them look SO we'll that
their friends hardly think them
dead. Those females have been in
to look at o lady friend, ana old
vinegar face there, full of spite,
says she never looked SO we'll in
her life before. Confound it! III
bet you the cigars that woman
goes away and commits suicide be.
fore Tomorrow this time, SO as to
look "better than she ever has be-
fore in her life.o If it isn't putting
q premium on mortality you eau
knock me down. Consequence is
our death rate has increa ed over
ten per cent. in the past. two
months.
just here another interruption
took place. The most frightfuI
shrieks rang from the hallway of
the Masonic Block. Our reporter
rushed Ia the direction of the dole
full sounds, when the Doctor caught
him by the sleeve. "Oh, see here;
you must be nervous. That's
nothing but Doc Palmer, the dem
fist, pulling the tooth of one of the
new candy mans victims. You
don't know the new candy man
Well, l would advise you to make
his acquaintance. Go aud look at
the man make stomach aches for
innocent children. See him maui
ufacture toothache drops by the
million; cough candy, red candy,
white candy, yellow caudy, CANDY
red inside and white outside, candy
that sticks your jaws together ami
the wretch makes it right under
your nose! Shows you his clean
white sugar, puts it into his clean
boiler, boils it under your keenest
gaze, tries it with a stick TO see If
1t is done enough and thea slaps iC |
QUITO y cool marble slab to cool
enough to let him throw it with u
graceful swing of his hand over u
big hook in the wall and pull it
till it is just right, and then babies
cry for it. and mothers sigh for 1t,
and fathers pay for it; and now and
then some innocent loses
q tooth, and some other cases have |
mysterious pains in the bowels,
aud the family doctor is called. L |
know that in time / will find the |
name of that little innocent on my |
death list, and so you see they all |
conspire to swell the mortality Of |
the town. Who's that?
Reporter-A new physician.
Doctor-What! Well, there 1t is |
againl All the old chronic cases
that owe all the old practitioners |
Twill flock to these new fellows and |
the consequence will step in next |
month when make my report ont |
and see what the result Will be.
Now there's another danger star.
ing us in the face. The |
three first class hotels of the |
town are vieing with each |
other as to which shall spread |
the best table. All very nice for
hungry drummer VINO has not had |
drink since passing Latbrop, eat |
one of these way up meals, and IN |
be doll baby il he don'G run the |
risk Of death by apoplexy or a
surfeit. Now, Mr.. Reporter, all
these thugs go long way to
make lengthy death list. am
obliged to send copies of my list to |
all the principal cities of the East
and West. What IL the conse-
quence? They say Los AngelesI
Why 1t seems good many die
there! Can't he ali consumptives
from the East, and II
can't explain coherently in
my reports, and the conse-
quence will be that San Diego,
with her laundering new railroad,
and her bay and climate, and no
health returns, will crow like one
possessed, and the Santa Barbarl.
ans will just chuckle, and, as I
said, before there has got to be a
change in statistics by some means
or this unfortunate resigns from
office Alb, me! Would the good
old times were here again, when
we had u man for breakfast every
morning, aud sometimes two, and
nothing ever said about it, either.
No Health Officer to sing his song
| of death to all the Eastern cities
No, sir! Just few of the boys
gathered that evening and planted
the laid-out one with fitting cere-
mony. Oh, those were the times,
1 tell you! Never heard about
Jack Barrett killing Jim?-Got
chew of tobacco about. you? No! |
You're a newspaper man! Well,
the blight is upon us. On, Lordl
there comes old He'll talk US
to death! Run, Mr.. Reporter!
/ And the pnod Doctor plunged