The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-02-02
NO. 437.


Al tue year round Ihe earth.
The peatest things ID silks Pretty women.
Molasses is Ike adversely. Sweet are the
uses Of both.
What word may be pronounced quicker BY
adding syllable to it9 Quick.
Arkansas women love to whistle And
what Is more lovely than tulips well blown.
Every man has his folles and oftentimcs
they are the most interesting things be has.
No lady with any refinement will use her
husbands meerschaum pipe to drive nails In
the wall.
"Diaphanous maid, incarnate thinness,
hail y is the opening line of a Chicago poem
to S. Bernhardt.
Butchers sell porter house steak. but Won
can get one of them to admit that he sells
boarding house steak.
Curiosity shop, "Oh, what lovely vase
It's antique, is it notp" mo, ma'am. it's
modern" What a pity it was so pretty"
Guibollard, most candid of philosophers,
remarks: Would that had ten thousand
year" !" To do WHAT "To do Moth
ing"
Senator Hannibal Hamlin wears no over
coat, even in the coolest weather of winter
One old swallowtail with him makes continual
summer.
Street gamin to friend Say. Bill, yer
must quit goin' to variety shows every night,
OF people'l take You for a country member O.
the legislator"
"oh, that one of his failings!" remarked
business man when he was told that COM
petitor had again suceumbed to the pressure
of hard times.
| 1t IL one of the pet theories of our Govern
ment that there are no privileged classes in
this country But everybody knows that
this is false. Are there not Ohio menp
The girl who was courted by spruce young
lawyer said she liked to be protected by the
strong arm of the law Turner's Falls Re-
porter
!" Eve get out, as the farmer said to the
lamb in his corn. Toronto Grip :" Eve try
to drive me oat and III lamb YOU" as the
lamb said to the farmer
man writes to an editor for 81 because
be is SO terribly short, . and gets in reply the
heartless response Do as do stand up
on chair. - Unidentified Erchange.
Never turn the cold shoulder to companion
on account of the infirmity which causes his
knees TO smite together Always bear in
mind that "a friend-in-kneed 10 a friend in
deed"
g Father" said the bakers girl, 81 must
marry the man l love-" Doughnut do it,
my daughter, and you'll never knead for any
thing" was the reply of the obstinate old
man.
"Now, understand" remarked Olden-
borg, after trying to get a view of the stage
over the bonnet in front of him "now,
understand what they mean by the height OF
fashion,
Boston musician has just written for
soprano voice a beautiful song entitled
Would that were young again" SO much
time wasted. The woman can't be found who
will sing it.
You seem to enjoy telling flbs," dryly re-
marked an old lady to her little niece, tho
other day. Eyes, Auntie,'' replied the
child. II think do, but enjoy having you
swallow them more"
"There is no truth Ia men, said q lady to
John A. Bryant, they are like musical in
strnments which sound a variety of tunes"
" In other words, madam" said John, you
believe that all men are Tyres >
An inquiring man thrust his fingers into
horses mouth to see how many teeth it had,
and the horse closed it's mouth to see how
many fingers the man had. The curiosity OF
each was fully satisfied.
An exuberant youth halls supposed ac-
quantance with :. Hello, Joe !" but inl ling
his mistake, added go, excuse mo /
! thought you were another man I! F" Laconic
stranger answers 81 am F"
A woman will claw at cake of soap all the
forenoon on wash day, and never miss fire
once. The man comes and no sooner picks it
up to wash his hands, than it shoots half way
across the room and hits the baby in the eye.
or demolshes peck Of brica- brac.-Syrdcuse
Times.
A Newark lady on entering the ladies'
cabin of ferry boat and finding the seats oc-
cupied by men, remarked to friend that she
had often noticed in the papers quotations of
prices for dressed hogs, and It had never
dawned on her mind what the article was un-
til Enthusiastically Call.
I" want you TO put on new pair of heels
to these boots said DR.. Ipecac to the shoe
maker. "Why don't you do it Yourself,
| q w
piled the doctor, In establishment. Why,
yes. Does not the good book say, Pbysi-
clan, heel myself? '''-Boston Transcript.
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The country suffers the loss Of millions of