Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1881-06-15
The United Latcbkeys,

Edward Burke well meaning citizen of
Ohio, lately took unto himself a fair
daughter Of the Blue Grass State for 3
wife.
Unfortunately for him, his pretty spouse
was not the mildest-tempered woman
living, and shortly after marriage she
evinced disposition to make his life
miserable.
For some time he bore up manfully un-
der his severe probation, but at last, over
come by the weight of his sorrow, and the
disappointment Of his fondest hopes he sp-
piled to friend, one E5enezer Biful, for
a specific to ameliorate his condition.
The latter advised him to Join certain
club, The United Latchkeys, for the most
part composed of bachelors, who met every
evening.
Furthermore, Bliful, being a member,
undertook to introduce him.
That evening both wended their way to
the club house. On the road Bliful in
formed Burke that previous to being con-
sidered brother member he must undergo
initiation He did not relish this idea, for
he had beard what it was to be initiated;
but he was not the man to falter, 50 he
nodded approvingly. They arrived at
loud knocks on the door.
"Who goes there?" asked deep voice
from the other side.
"The ace Of spades" responded he.
The portals were thrown open, and they
passed in under the leadership of a man
robed in white his face concealed by a
black mask, and armed with a large cavalry
sabre.
They were ushered into hal, resplen-
dent with the light of wax candles. On
an elevated chair sat q man dressed like
their conductor, but whose head revelled
in a cooked hat. Around him on chairs
sat the remaining members of the society.
masked and robed in white.
As soon us the three entered the hall, all
stood up, and the man in the cooked hat
asked in bass voice:
"What unbelieveI dares to intrude upon
the privacy Of our templef"
Bliful answered:
"A poor deluded married man, Most
Worthy Chief, who deslres now TO become
brother.
"'Tis well!" responded the Worthy
Chief.
He then struck table near him three
times with a gavel, and the crowd gave
thres loud groans.
Burke was now blindfolded and conduct
ed to post which stood in the centre of
the room. This he was commanded to
climb. He did so and reached within a
few feet of the top, when he thought he
would descend. He came down, and very
rapidly, as the post vas creased, a fact
which escaped his attention in the proc ess
of ascension.
However, he did not reach the ground
Immediately as in the interval OF his climb
ing tub Of ice water had been placed be-
meath him, into which he disappeared.
After allowing him to float about pro-
miscuously for few minutes, two of the
members pulled him out, and unbinding
his eyes, gave him dry clothing, and few
minutes to prepare for the next ordeal.
They brought him forward again and he
looked as prime and as fresh as a rose,
after his ducking.
A football was then placed before him,
at which he was to kick. He asked if he
might run at it and was answered in the
affirmative.
Now, Burke was not backward in
athletic sports, SO he made tremendous
kick at the bail, but it didn't bulge. And
why should it, when it was loaded with
lead. II the ball was not put in motion,
however, Burke was, for, with cry of
pain, he grabbed his foot and waltzed
around the room very rapidly.
After awhile his unseemly exuberance
animal spirits was spent, and he was re
quested to bring to the chief a poker that
reposed in the corner. He seized it but
Stop; les me ask question. Where is
tie man who can hold on to poker raised
to high degree of heat?
Alas. with the stump speaker must an
swer, "Nowhere, sir-nowhere, and defy
anybody to deny it.
Burke was mortal so it Is natural to ex-
pect that he dropped the poker, and imme:
diately endeavored to put his whole hand
into his mouth.
His initiation here ended, and, the men,
bers throwing of their dIsguises, he recog-
nized among them many of his acquain-
tances who comrlimented him on his grit
and endurance. They then gathered 1t q
table, and the bottle was passed around
freely.
Burke became very tipsy, and arose to
make speech.
"Feller citterzens and women folk +" he
said, Eyer all see fore yer a wreck OF hu-
manity (hic) a man (hic) bowed down by
weight of woel Yesh teller 'paniOns this
al. of /
gen men, fear (hic) everybody amt all
right-no shiri I'm quite sue somebody s
wrong cause s'ciety is based on rotten
foundations, gen men, as my friend Bliful
will speechify-"
At this point the club cheered loudly,
and Burke sat down, with the corners of
his mouth meeting at the back of his neck.
In other words, he was smIling-actually
smiling.
The meeting continued half an hour
longer, and during that time Burke talked
about every imaginable thing, and sang
more songs in five minutes than a profess
sional singer could give vent to in an hour.
After the members ad djourned, he staggered
home, and on the way excused himself to
three ash barrels and lamp post for falling
against them.
Arrived at his residence, he got safely
in, but net before he had wasted fully
fifteen minutes in vain endeavors to open
the door with button hook, all the time
muttering, Somebody's been foolil. with
the combinashuni"
Women as Capitalists