The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-04-13
. 2O-Who }
30-What Is be
A0-Where

A poor old rheumatic lady said to her ply
sician t'Oh doctor, doctor, I suffer so
much with my hands and feet!" "Be patient,
dear madam" he %soothingly responded, "you
will suffer a great deal more without them"
The Descendants Of Ham.-The question
was, "What people are considered to be de-
scended from Ham," "Niggers' answered
one boy about the middle Of the class. Right
said the master but the correct word is-?'
"Kniggerbockers," shouted out the masters
favorite at the foot of the class.
Little Johnny was visiting at a n%eighhor's
house. He was offered a piece Of bread and
butter, which he accepted, but not with any
great degree of enthusiasm. "What do you
say, Johnny?" said the lady, expecting him
to say "thank YOU" II say it amt cake"
Prince Talleyrand once said, addressing
the respected president of g savings bank !:
'sMon Am5, you do not know how to pick
oakum T. ''QueNe tgSste DSeiHesse U0us U0uS
prtpGrea! What a sad old age you are pre-
pairing for yourself !" said the great diplo-
matist, with his peculiar hooking smile.
1t was an amateur farmer who read in an
agricultural journal that the best way to fat
ten pigs was to feed them s'corn in the ear"
He tried it, but his pigs didn't thrive at all, he
says and he thinks the best place IS to feed
them corn in the mouth, and not pay any at
tention to the suggestions in these farm jour-
nails, which are edited by men who never saw
a pig-pen. g r..
A New Hampshire farmer recently agreed
to sell his farm for $4,000, but when the day
came he told the expectant purchaser that
his wife was in Mysteries about the trade, and
''he guessed he'd have to back out" The pur-
chaser complained, and finally asked how
much more would induce him to sell. ""Wells
''give me $3.50 more, and we'll let her cry"
Ayoung hotel clerk narrowly escaped q
terrible death q few days ago. He had just
purchased a new diamond pin to wear at a
Long Branch hotel next season, and while
the gem was flashing on his shirt-front he fell
out of an elevator in the fourth story. His
legs slipped through the hatchway, but his
diamond, being larger than the opening,
caught on the ledge and held him suspended
over the abyss until help came. He values
that diamond at more than ten dollars now.
MISSIONER can paint a picture in one week
and sell it for five thousand dollars; Sarah
Bernhardt acts one night and makes. two
thousand dollars; and an editor works six
months and receives six hundred dollars.
There is q marked discrepancy here, but 10
the next world it will be different. There
the editor will have a front seat and play on
the ~costliest harp the market affords. This
explains why there are SO. many more editors
than Meissoniers and Sarah Bernhardts in
this world.
We have just learned that on the afternoon
before the last holiday Colonel Scion noticed
a sign on the door Of an Oil City bank, say
ing: ssBank will be closed tomorrow; all
paper falling due then paid to-day" The
Colonel rushed wildly into the bank, saying:
ssDo you mean to say that ! must pay my
note to-day, which falls due tomorrow =
stCertainly, sir. but | haven't q cent Of
money today, Observation-Disclosures, |
think Of ii, / haven't any note to pay either.
And the good Colonel walked away with 9
sigh of relief.
-w*<@An&-