The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-12-14
vxr AND w1yD0sg.
Strong people Shop Iiftera.

him ~ s''@
Butchers kin to dress, many other felhs
dress to kill.
Don't be too generous with your temper.--
Keep it.
a dangerous man-one who takes life
cheeriully.
Conld not electricity be used to advantage
in shocking grainp
Isn't boy at well, filing bucket an
example Of the sun drawing waterp
When tenant wishes to hold his dwelling
house for another year he Releases 1t.
game of base bali is like buckwbeas
cake--a great deal depends on the batter
Philaasiphss papers nv. svysug sor nvegcens
fares on the street cars. That Is fare enough.
Dentistry is the one calling in which man
can do tooth things OF once satisfactorily.
The boy who was kept after school for bad
photography said he was spell-bouud.
New York landlord has reduced his rents
one-half One-half his houses have fallen
down, which is the reason.
Why should not an absconding debtor be
called swindler? Because he is non.est
man.
You'd naturally think policemen wonld
play base ball WELL they SO thoroughly under
stand running men in.
| He couldn't raise the mortgage on Ri,
building lot, and so, poor man, without be-
coming blind he lost his site
An observing laundryman has discovered
that the time for him to catch soft water ia
when 1t is raining hard.
A grocer had pound OF sugar returned
with note saying: TOO much sand for
table use, aud not enough for building pur
poses.
woman can dress her hair to make her
self look ten years younger, but the best a
man can do is to partly cover bald spot and
feel that he is deceiver
Not much of "a headful: "Know thyselrr
may be an excellent sort of proyerb, but
some people wouldn't know very much if
they obeyed 1t implicitly.
A cold weather conundrum "Will the
coming man shut tho door after him 2" is
the latest inquiry. It is to be hoped that he
win, for The going man seldom does.
An Oswego girl dropped her false eyebrows
in. a church pew, and 1t so badly scared the
young man at her side that he tainted. He
thought it WAS bis mousiacte.
Mrs. Cornfeld still cings TO her old style OF
dress-green silk and tassels. Kernel Cob, as
usual pays her close attention, for fear of
having his ears pulled.
A man who buys Confederate bonds viii
make permanent investment. They will DO
just as good in tho year 5000 as they are to-
day--Dstroit Tree Press.
Burdotte is writing life Of William Penn.
We shall wait 10 see If he can resist tho
temptation TO begin the biography in the
good old way, II take my Penn in hand.'
Are you feeling very ilq" asked the
physician lei mo see your tongue, please"
Its no use, doctor" replied the patient,
Emo tongue can tell how bad feel''
A" Is there any opening here for an intellect
ual writerP" asked a seedy, red-nosed indi-
vidual Of an editor. " Yea, my FRIEND" re-
piled the man of quilts, "a considerable oar
penter, forseeing yonr visit, has left an open
ing for you. Turn the knob to the right"
Post Office Clerk Here your letter IL
overweight" Pet: "Ovcr what weightq"
p. o. g.: ats too heavy PIT another
stamp on IT, Pat "och, git ont wild yer
foolin'l Sure IL put another stamp on II,
won't 1t be heavier still - Harper's Bazar.
This hns been yearof wonderful events .
observed Mrs. Marrowfat to her neigi,bor,
leaning oycr the railing that separated tho
front courtyards Of the two houses Truly
remarked chimed in Mrs. Phenix. "We
have had storms and drouths and comets and
fires, and earthquakes and asssssinations, and
such like, until am dszed . g Indeed we
have" added Mrs. Marrowfat "and Mr.. "
hasn't been to bed with his boots on since tho
first Of January"
Cough tells story about an Irishman tn
whom a physician said - Tim, this won't
do +; you must take warning from the fate of
your friend O'Shaughnessy. Only thrce
nights ago he came homo much soberer than
you are, but In attempting to blow ont n
candle, his breath took fire and he exploded,
blew mp SO that in three days his friends have
not been able to scrape enough of him fogeth-
er to hold wake over " An do you mano
to tell me that he bnst up, = said Tim. In
deed do, upon my honor Tim said that
he would take the.pledge at once. and no did
so in the following form ~ swear never to
blow out a candle while l am drunk again.
nervous-looking man went into store
the other day and sat down for half an hour
or so, when clerk asked If theto was any
thing could be done for him. He said no, he
didn't want anything. The clerk walked
away and he sat there an hour longer, when
the proprietor went TO him and asked If he
wanted to be shown anything. No, sale
the nervous man 8 just wantto sit around.
My physician has recommended perfect quiet
for me, and says above all things must avoid
being in crowds. Noticing that you did not
advertise in the newspaper, l thought that