The Portland daily press., 1881-07-01
THE PRESS.
Twain in the Watch Tower.
He Protects Our Planet from the Comet
His Reasons for Thinking the Comets
Tail Solid.

Desiring to get the opinion of that celebrated
amateur astronomer, Mr.. Samuel Longhorne
Clemens, on the new comet, writes Hartford
correspondent of the New York Sun. visited
his house just before daybreak. His passion
ate fondness for observing celestial phenomena
Is well known. was confident that I should
find him at his telescope in the turret that
caps the northeast corner of his extraordinary
mansion. A few well-directed pebbles brought
him TO the window. "Helo!' said he. Come
mp, but don't wake the baby. Mind the sixth
stair ON the second flight it creaks Hades of
falsetto." So saying, he let down his door
key at the end OF a string.
When / reached the turret nv friend was
no longer inside. He was sitting in an open
scuttle leading to the roof smoking a cigar
With both hands he grasped a long pole.
When it grew lighter perceived that it was
boathook. His face had haggard look. and
his long legs hung listlessly through the scut-
tle9ay you look tired, Mark" said I.
Have you been at it all night?"
"All night" said he, with groan that con-
sisted OF vowel and two consonant sounds
"All night? This makes the fourth copsecu-
tive night that haven't closed half an eve.
It's wearing on me- This constant RESPONSE
blity's undermining my constitution. Nv
sense OF duty Is as strong as the next mans
but sometimes feel like letting go my grip,
even ii the condemned planet slides into the
revised version of birthstone. All night? Good
night Some other night!'
There was a degree of evaporation in his
tone wfteh the circumstances did not seem to
warrant. We'll" said |, there's no occasion
for anger. Nobody eompels you 10 sit up here
IN the malarious morning atmosphere and ear
ly dew"
He looked for a moment as if he was going
TO break out with torrent of objurgation.
Then he mastered his wrath and gazed down
upon me with an expression of melancholy
pity.
THE tail of that comet" said he. sadly way
ing the end of his pole toward the northern
sky, lis, according TO my calculations, trihe
over 42oooooo miles long; yet it wouldn't
reach more than quarter way through the
skulls of some people that 1 know. The reck-
less ignorance of mankind amazes me more
and more the older grow. Why don't 90 to
bed? Yes, it would be a perfectly easy and
natural thing to go to bed wouldn't it, now?
Perhaps 1 had better go to bed" And he
laughed derisivey.
Nv hat in The name of common sense are
you driving at, Clemens?" demanded.
"Oh, nothing at all, - he replied, with sar-
donlc wave of his pole. Nothing except that
while the mad revelry of the world goes on be-
low, and the multitude pursues its wonted avo-
cations precisely as though universal catas-
trophe was not imminent one solitary watcher
sits up here in his lonely tower, Drawing danger
and mourning great fatigue for the sake of his
Infatuated fellow-beings. There have been ex-
amples of such devotion to duty in history, but
they are rare. and it has always been left to
posterity to recognize them. At the present
moment L fill the post of lookout to the planet,
young man. You'll find set down in the CEN
sus the exact number of fellow citizens whose
existence depends upon my vigilance That's
all I'm driving at!'
saw now pretty well how things were with
my friend. So, to humor him, gravely re-
marked: II always knew your philanthropy,
Mark. Yet must say that this last unde rtak-
ing surprises me.
He Immediately became affable and even
confidential. There is good deal of the
true Christian spirit of self-denial in it, isn't
there, now? You see they are all wrong about
the tall. I've cphered ON that tail until l un-
derstand every inch OF it, It's absurd to sup
pose that the tail isn't solid, and pretty tough,
too. Do you imagine that this comet could 90
bullying through space at the rate of 200 miles
minute without knocking spots out of tail
that was vapor? Tie fog bank on to the
rear end of the New York and Boston o'clock
express, start her off at even forty miles an
hour, and see how long your fog bank will
travel in company with your locomotive Yet
they ask us to swallow this internal nonsense
about the comets tail. My observations of
this fellow and also of Coggias comet seven
years ago, have convinced me that comets
tails are fastened on tight, and are of a fibrous
and durable nature, like Hartford beefsteak''
And what do you propose to do with your
pole?'' asked.
':Great Casar!' he exclaimed. "With a
tail 10000 900 miles long, 5000, 900 miles thick
and tough as whip leather, whisking about in
the wake of that piratical craft every time she
tacks overhead, don't you see the necessity of
Keeping cool-headed and muscular man on
deck here to fend off in case the cussed thing
whisks this way?'