The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-02-11
ALLEGED BITS OF WIT.

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A good housekeeper-A watch dog.-To-
ronto Grip. ir
The candle-wick Is up to snuff-Boston
Transcript.
Sic transit-An ambulance wagon.-Bos-
ton Courier.
A study in oil-The attempt to get sar-
dine out whole.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because
it's catarrhact ct!-Philadelphia Bulletin.
"He sleeps where he fell" is the title OF
a yoodern ballad. The man was probably
drunk. ..
Jamaica rum is made of old boots-proba-
bly to utilize the snakes.-Louisoiite Coar-
ier-J0urnai.
"Boycott," is what the Dutchman says
when he gets mad enough to swear.-Syrd-
cuse Courier.
The hens are in peribelion, and eggs are
forty-eight cents dozen. It's about time
MacDuf began to lay on asain.-Boston
Globe.
After having been called upon by dele
CATION of colored men, it was very mean in
the President to rush out and count his
chickens.-Philadelphia Chronicte-H Herald.
Edison has dropped his electric light and
is now experimenting to see IL a COW cannot
be made to give ice cream by wrapping her
in CONCEALED water before milking.-fhtd-
deiphia Chronicle Herald,
A Chicago editor wants to know what
character to appear in at masquerade ball.
It's a masquerade, eh? Then we should ad-
wise him to 90 as gentleman Of the nine
teenth century.--Boston Post.
"Will you have your oysters scalloped?"
asked Galveston waiter of green customer
from the interior. "Have the oysters scalp
ed? No; but you can scalp the butter, II
YOU want to. 1t needs il the worst kind"
When the Lords prayer was offered up in
the Nevada Senate, it is reported that Legis-
lator Doolin remarked to Legislator Ham,
mond, ale stole that prayer, I'll bet. l
heard something like that at funeral more
than two years ago.
Farmer Holmes, Of Indiana, paid quack
doctor $40 for fixing his eyes so that he could
see in the dark as well as In the light. hwas q
success. That is, he can't see at all by day
light, and of course, can see Just as we'll by
night.-Detroh Free Press.
There was fight imminent between two
boys on Elm street, Monday evening. One
of them darkly hinted that he was bigger
than the other. The smaller, who is the
son of a deacon, defiantly retorted: al don't
care If YOU'RE as big as church debt; you
can't scare me-"
One night Uncle Harvey, keeper Of poor
house down in Maine, was aroused by the
eroans of one of the old men. Whats the
matter ?n he asked. "I'm dying Uncle Har-
yey," said the old man. "rm dying; 60 an
bring me doughnut, must have suthln te
pass away the time" .a ... .
Our song birds: The sparrows are like
some men who get credited for great dea
of mischief they don't do. Sparrows are &C
cused Of driving away our song birds. "
eli our song birds the cat 10 the bes. knowI
and most numerous. Yet the sparrow woult
not harm 50 much as hair Of the cats head
-Breokiyn Eagle.
ais your wife Democrat or Republi
can?" asked one Rockland citizen Of anothe
in store the other morning. "Shes Meth
er," was the prompt response; and theI
glancing cautiously around and sinking hi
voice to hoarse whisper he explained
"She's home ruler."-R0ckldnd Courier.
This is rich and it is from the NorristowI
Herald: When two leafers commenced Il
call each other .'liar," "perjurer," "miscre
ant" and other pc: names in old Sedheimer'
saloon, the proprietor picked up porte
bottle and Indignantly exclaimed, SNOW g
right away owit! Desc saloon Is not Won
dose Washington congresses, and dond yo'
forgot it."
A tramp was being escorted down Calves
ton avenue by one Of the most stylish police
men on the force. 81 hate to walk alon
arm-in-arm with q policeman" said tn
tramp. "You ought to be used to 1t by thi
time," replied the policeman. II can't &c
used to hearing people say, just lock
that vagabond!' when know they mui
mean one Of us."-Gaireston Netcs.