Daily Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1876-1884, 1881-08-24
The ArkansaW KIND.
Detroit Free Press.

"Speakin' about the Arkansaw
ager," said the man with the sandy
goatee and squinteyes ,ss he leaned
back Ia his chair, "that's whsr you
saw my heartstriogs, in case I've
got any left to saw on"
ibid you ever live there?"
"Did l? Well, reckon 1 sort o.
existed in them parts goiu' on SIX
teen year."
"And you had the ague?n
"Hadit? Why, I waIlered in it.
Gentlemen, gaze on me"'
The crowd gael.
"W hen l moved down into Ar
kansaw from Tennessee, risin' o.
sixteen Vars ago, / was purty-I
was, for u fact. / had a dozen
skule -marms In love with me, aud
hang me up if every gal in the
ball room wouldn't break her neck
tor the honor o. dancin' with mel
Yes, l was purity. and l was good
| was so purity that children cried
fur me, an so good that l was mi,-
took fur a preacher on morn a
hundred occashuns. Whar' has
my purity gomez Whaf' is my
goodness? Goodl Why, I've got
to be the infernellest alligator in
the hull swamp, and Pm CROWN
mean.r at the rate of mile day!
Fact-solemn fact; and the can
tsnkerous ager is TO blam for the
whole of it. I've got a squint to
my eyes, my nose has been drove
back AN inch, an what teeth pve
got left have to be wedged In every
Sunday with pine pegs or Pa
swallow 'em. Purity! Why, the
sight o. my phiz down in St. Louis
killed a Texas steer deader'n u
door-nail, an 1 was tryin' to look
handsome at thal"
"You said you had the sgue?n
',Said 50! Do you 'spose ell the
other calamlties in this hull ken.
try could have busted me up this
way? You bet I had 'ei! l strug-
gled with Ter right along fur 'leven
straight Vars without a Iet-up.
Gentlemen, let me harrer up your
souls with few timely remarks.
Your Michigan ager is grasshop-
per, and one dose of ky neen
Knocks Ter dead. Out in Illinoy
the ager is bigger-about like a
squirrel. In Missouri she's about
the size of u weOdchuck, and when
she strikes down into Arkansaw
she's wolf three feet high, seven
feet long, and built to take hold
like q thousand buzzards. Great
slams! what tussels lve had with
that 'ere eritter! Say, did yer ever
ride in one-hoss wagin' over a
stone quarry? Was yer ever seat.
ed on the top rail of u fence when
a hurricane moved 1t at the rate of
six miles a mlnuit? Did We ever
have a cyclone pick ye up and
mop We over furty acres of river
bottom, wollup We through ten
acres OF woods, and use ye for u
tool to knock down hundred acres
of cane-brak.? Well, that hahn
the ager-nOt the Arkausaw kind;
ips; only the fust faint prelimi.
naries."
He opped to relight his cigar
anu then continued:
81 hain't long to live, and l dom
HSSi w fCiCAA thlo tuibk any
TelPn the truth has allus bin my
strong pint, and allus will be-.
Maybe yell git some ide. of the
Arkansaw ager when Ltell We that
l once uDjlnled both shoulders In
shakin', and it was a light shake
at that. When 1 had on one of my
reg lar double-back-action shakes
could jar d jug OF whi-key out of
the crotch of u tree twenty eight
rods off. Nobody dast pile up cord
wood within half q mile OF my
cabin, and that's u solem fact. I
devoured my ky-neen just as you
Eat corn beef, aud my hull system
h""liy got so bitter that u dog who
emelt OF my leg cOuldD't GIT the
pucker out of his mouth inside OF
ten days. Gentlemen, I do not
wish TO prolong this agony. My
iaiiIn' IL CAB. Fust I know III
jump the ager and begin on Arkau-
saw 'skeeters, and when got thar
ia harrer yer souls till ye couldn't
sleep fur two weeks. We Will now
nave some Ticker, and I will then
seek few needed reposes."