The Emporia weekly news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1881-1889, 1881-09-15

DeaFueu man Win SLOUGH nat ON enters
a car.
The London Times evidently does not
appreciate American genius when it says
William PENIS remains can not be re-
moved to America because it is not
known where his remains are. This is
no obstacle TO Yankee.
The alarming extent and severity of
the drouth in Kentucky may be inferred
from the fact that the editors of that
state are imploring Providence to have
mercy upon that afflicted common
wealth and save it from the impending
doom of literal incarceration
A Long Island editor wrote in a local
that the windows of certain fashion
able church needed washing. The
idiotic cOmpositor set it up widows"
and the editor has concluded to extend
his summer vacation a couple of months
longer.
Blonde travellers complain that the red
upholstery of the parlor cars does not
suit their complexion. and Mr.. Pullman
is to be petIoned to uphOlster few cars
in blue. We understand that the mild
eyed Murdoch, of the Commonwealth,
will head the petition.
The Memphis Appeal: "Clean up
the streets and alleys, so the visitors at
our fair may go away from the city
favorably impressed" is the advice of
the sanitary editor of the Kansas City
Times. After the visitors go, the citi-
zens can wallow once more.
Guiteau affirms that he will never en-
ter the lecture field. The public agrees
with him beautifully on this point If
he ever does make public speech it
will probably be in response TO the
usual question by the sheriff as to
whether or no he has anything to say to
the guests assembled.
Globe Democrat: We are in no hur-
ry about it, But we mean TO ask, some
of these days, when the Presidents
pyemIa began. II is Familiarity spoken
OF now, but i. was stoutly denied that he
had trace Of it until he was nearly
dead with it. But we are in no hurry.
Guiteau has at least two friends. The
other is a~hfr. Golden, clerk Of the
supreme court of Indiana. He is an al
legged stalwart, and has written to Attor-
ney-General McVeagh declaring that
the keeping of Guiteau in solitary con-
finement is without warrant of law, and
should at once be forbidden.
We seriously incline to the opinion
that the surgeons in constant attendance
upon the President for sixty days, know
more of his case than the jaundiced
newspaper doctors who diagnose and
prognose at magnificent distances
There is a vast deal of mental and NOR
al pyHmia among jealous physicians.
A west side Chicago preacher gave
his audience good slap Sunday
evening. He noticed several of his con-
gregation doing, and one man in par
ticuIar was snoring vigorously. The
preacher paused in his discourse, and,
pointing to him, said, "Will some one
please stop that mans snoring? fear he
will keep the rest of the congregation
awake"
A temperance agitatOr once remarked
to Artemus Ward, as the latter was
about to take drink: Look not upon
the wine whenit is red in the cup"
THAT Amt wine,'' said Artemus; that's
old rye" at biteth like a serpent and
stingcth like an adder" continued the
agitator. "Oh, no, it DON'T" retOrted
Artemus, eff you put plenty Of sugar in
it."
For man who Is not indigenous to
Ohio, and was not even born in the
United States, Vennor seems to be con-
siderable of politician. II has not es-
capped public attention that the improve
ment in the weather did not set in until
after the Canadian meteorologist had
been mentioned as a possible successor
to General Hazen, chief officer of the
signal service.
1t is all well enough for the Kansas
City papers TO furnish the public with
full details of the Blue Cut train rob
berry, bat when il comes to devOting so
much space to the different accounts of
that affair as to crowd out the usual
lucid and exhaustive editorials on the
baneful effects of prohibition upon inn
migration to Kansas, it strikes US that
there is such thing as crowding the
margin, even in the direction of journal
istic enterprise.
Here is an item which girls viii. do
well to read carefully and reflect upon:
A young lady in Elmyra N. Y, was the
successful contestant for a $500 prize to
the most beautiful woman in Elmyra,
and in short time became crazy. Her
mother says that insanity was caused by
wash which the girl used to bleach
her hair. The mixtures used for the
purpose of producing blonde hair usu-
ally contain ingredients which cause
lead poisoning.
1t will be remembered that at the time
of forming his cabinet, President Gar
field offered the treasury portfolio TO
Senator Allison, OF Iowa. He declined
the honor, owing, as he said, 10 the i'll
health Of his wife. II seems now that
the poor lady for whose sake her hus-
band sacrificed so high q position has
become dsmented. A few days ago she
attempted to commit suicide by drown
ing near Perry. New York, where she
is an inmate of water-cure establish
ment, but was rescued
Chicago Inter Ocean: There is said
to be baby in Washington born on the
day that the President was shot who
displays all the symptoms of the chief
magistrate When he cannot retain
food the baby labors under the same
difficulty; when he feels bright the baby
crows with delight; when he sinks the
baby fails 80 fast - 10 make the parents
despair. It has got so that if the baby
cries in the night the neighbors raise
their windows and cry, "The President
is worse" This ltory is as true, no
doubt, as half Of those that come from
Washington. c d