Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1881-07-02
Wit and Wisdom.

1uS HAL WuO AAo"o oAS s~~~SS 80 ~e~s s~>>
owing man.
Strawberry shortcake is SO called be
cause it is short OF Strawberries.
A bunghole is very necessary thing in
q barrel, but, after all, it is nothing,
The hair-dresser hopes his heirs will
never be able to say, "He dyed poor.'
When traveller goes to Europe does he
generally complete the Turin, Italy?
There wasn't much money in "stocks
when they were employed in the form of
punishment.
When the Pilgrims first landed they fell
on their knees, after which they fell on
the aborigines.
Bridget being told to put little nut
meg into the rice pudding, picked out
he smallest one in the box and threw it
in.
A Georgia editor died of fright because
some one told him he had taken the ice
cream before it had been thawed.
A man by the name Of Hash has been
sent as missionary to the cannibals un-
der the belief that the natives will not eat
him.
In some of the graveyards of Western
ClIlCo WuClC uOuy -SusseShHss !" PASS"aShos
bombs are placed in the new made graves.
John Bull says: "The H'american
'Osses hat H ascot 'eath his h'a bloody
h'innovation, you know.
1t is being whispered around that Adam
was an "OhiO man'and thereby the whole
race is tainted.
When does budding young damsel
burst into fruit . When she becomes the
apple of some ones eye.
els this the Adams house % asked a
stranger of a BOstOnian. Yes, till you
get to the roof then it's caves
1t is terribly embarrassing to come into
town from a fishing excursion and find
there is not trout in the market.
Why isn't the missionary devoured by
cannibals as well off as the man cremated?
It's case of instrumentation.
1t is an extraordinary cold season in
Russia and in England, after some very
warm weather, they returned to overcoats
and fires.
A young lady of Holyoke, Mass, where
there are five women to one man, has
come forward as missionary to bachelors
and offers to lead a galaxy Of 100 maidens
out West.
"Fruit eaten at night is ba neful." This
is one of those axioms proved to be true
by Adam. His trouble was ca used by eat
ing an apple after Eve.
You'd naturally think girl would like
to have it known that her complexion is
lovely, but somehow the girl blessed with
a fair skin tries to keep it shady.
A four-year-old child, who, while visit
ing, saw bellows used to blow an open fire
informed her mother that ''they shovel
wind into tho fire down to Aunt Angus
ta's.''
The Bayadere poke bonnet is in favor
pronounced, buy-a-dear poke bonnet" +"
When spoken with proper effect the old
man rarely fails to come down with the
cash.
Judge Robertson speaks Of q political
juggcrnaut. Now We are not certain
whether it is a juggernaut. To au Impair
tial spectator it looks suspiciously like :.
demijohn.
A little boy, upon being told by his
mother that too much ice cream would
make him sick, replied, as he extended an
arm, 'Guess it won't hurt me, cause I've
been waxin3ted."
Henry A. Wise, of Virginia, is said to
have been the author of the phrase = "Thc
Office seeks tho man, not the man the
Office Add his name to the list of Amer
ican authors of fiction.
Glass in history.-Teacher-" Who was
the hero of Cowpens An awful silence
follows, which is at last broken by the
little snub-nosed boy in the back row, who
cries in piping voice, "Sitting Bull.''
She was decorating her room with pic
lures, and she perched his photo up on the
topmost nail then she sat down to ad-
miro her work, and remarked quietly
Snow everything is lovely and the goos e
hangs high!'
Probably the meanest man On record
keeps boarding house in San Domingo.
Last winter an earthquake turned the edi-
fee clear upside down, and the very next
morning he began charging the garret
dodgers first floor prices.
The Earl of Desart is to be married to
Miss Bischoffsheim, the daughter of the
Hebrew financier, who will bring him a
dowry of $725, 600, and as much more at
the death Of her father. Just think of so
much sweetness to be wasted on the
Desart heir.
A gentleman was complaining on
Change one day that he had invested a
rather large sum of money in Wall street
and lost it all. A sympathizing friend
asked him whether he had been 6 bull "
or a "bear," to which he replied
Neither {; l was jackass.''
Doctor )" Well, Mr.. Giles, is the missus
taking the medicine l sent yesterday ?''
Farmer Giles "Takun it &; She We took
it Sent me for some mooar Cos why :?
mixtees it in rum shrub Tell zee wot
Yew doctors 'ud make a dale mooar if ye
allus mixed mn noice and tasty loike ~
A distinguished lady, having purchased
a dog from worthy vendor from the East
End, inquired its name. "William," the
man responded, after some hesitation.
william! Is not that a little odd %
"Wcll, ma am, we calls him Bill" said
the man, "but don't like to say that to
the likes O. you.''
A French mother took her little daush-
ter, who promised to be very good, to
make call with her. Conversation turns
upon various people. Says tho mother
eyes, my cousin is not handsome, but she
has the prettiest teeth in the world"
Child: "8ut, mamma, yours are much,
much prettier they've got gold all around
'em.'
They say you can tell by the taste of
beer what the weather is going to be-.
How nice! When your wife is going out
with her new bonnet on and says, Dear,
do You think it will rain ?" You can re-
ply, I" I'll see, my love-" and go and take
a drink of beer, and she can't find a Eord
of fault. The new instrument will be
called a beerometer.