The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1881-08-19
HASH.

him anything TO eat.
Next TO a clear conscience, for solid
comfort give me an easy boot.
In Texas when n man wants TO cut
an acquaintance his procedure is sim
pie. fIe uses a bowic-knifc.
Why will women never succeed rs
railway conductors ?-Becausc their
trains are always behind.
A boy who was kept after school for
bad photography, excused himself to
his parents by saying that he was spell
bound.
"What's that man yelling at?' asked
a farmer of his boy. "Whv," chuckled
the boy, "he's yelling at the top of his
voice."
A little boy remarked, 81 like grand.
pa, because he is such a gentlemanly
man; he always tells me TO help myself
to sugar."
Jeems says he'sheard il told how twas
pretty wet place down OH the marsh:
but he knows of a dampcr place-in
the stove-pipe.
Before marriage a girl frequently
calls her intended "her treasure" but
when he becomes her husband she looks
upon him as her "treasurcr."
A husband telegraphed TO his wife,
"What have you for breakfast and how
is the baby?" The answer came.
"Buckwheat cakes and the measles"
CIVIL you return my love?" he MUIR
INJURED. eyes, Henry, will, for it
does not seem TO fit me-" Thus another
nice young man was driven to drink.
81 told You I'd never smoke another
cigar" he said to her, softly, soon after
the thappyi ceremony-"and l won't.
A pipes good enough for me-" he adj
ded, and Immediately "lit up"
A little girl joyfully assured her
mother the other day that she had
found out were they made horses: She
had seen a man finishing one, tsHe
was mailing on his last hoof.n
An old woman recently directed the
attention of her husband to q pair of
twins, remarking as she did so:-"How
much those two children do look alike,
especially the II this way"
Morse, who invented the telegraph,
and Bell, the inventor of the telephone,
both had deaf-mute wives. Little COM.
ment is necessary, but just see what n
man can accomplish when everything
is quiet.
81 believe the jury have been inocu-
lated for stupidity" said a tcsty law.
yer. "That may be-" replied his Oh.
ponent, "but the bar and Tie court are
OF the opinion that you had it in the
natural way"
The fashionable spring bonnet for
1881 was profusely decorated with
flowers, end provided i'm the rear with
a fIe-escapc, so that the wearer's
friends could climb TO the top and see
the trimmings.
A young lady fond of riding on
horseback had a vicious roam horse
which ran away with her ono dav.
whereupon a rival remarked that she
"always knew she couldn't hold her
roam in equestrianism."
A newly acquired habit: ..Look
heah. Uncle Nose, you fooled me wild
dat ar boss ! buycd from yer last week.
lie jest dropped dead in his tracks,
she nebber drapt dead in his tracks or,
anywhar else as long as | had him.
goin' on twenty years"
On a Coney Island yeranda the
other day, three hundred or more
brooklyn gentlemen were promenad-
ing with as many ladies', when some
wag yelled, "Look out, your wiie's
coming. Thirteen couples continued
10 promenade. The others slid around
the back way and took the first train
home.
Long John" Wentworth, ex-mayor
or Chicago, Is entirely bald except n
little tuft of hair behind the cars, and
on m occasion, when riding in the
cars, he frequently took of his hat and
scratched the back of his car, when n
waggish backwoodsman shouted.
stranger, drive 'em up in the clearing ,
n You can catch 'em all in five min ,
utes." !
"Did you slip?" they asked the old !
gentleman as they picked him M.
ooh, no." he growied, "of course not
l was trying TO see If could sit down 8
on that coal-hole top hard enough 70 Z
break 1t. Did it just for the fun of the {
thing" and he glared at them very :
savagely, and they somehow felt very q
foolish. q
A gentleman who was about TO mar
ny a beautiful widow of thirty, almost i
quarreled with her about the church in j
which they should have the ceremony /
performed. The lady became some c
what indignant, and said: sTye ALWAYS
been married in tho Presbyterian
Church, and, i tell you, / always shall .
beP This positive declaration sent !
the gentleman into q profound study. !
An old farmer at Whitewater, Wis, :
wrote two letters just after a late cleo.
tion. One was TO his son, containing
the single word "Hurahw and the
other full of consolation to a weeping
friend, who had just lost his wife. III
his excitement he got them into the
wrong envelopes, and the result can be
imagined.
A clergyman lost his hat ono evening 4
and was obliged to go home with q >
shabbier one, which was left in the l
place Of IL. Next day the hat was re- o
by the penitent appropriation.
who said, '1ll never take a minister's
again. You can't think what queer :,
things I've had running through nv y