Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-06-03
F. U N


FU N
On Jim Webster being brought up, the
Recorder asked him:
ssIf you did not intend to steal those
chickens. what was your motive in taking
them ?''
ssJedge, has been up here before you so
often that I has come to Tub and respect
you, and, foah God, ledge, L intended to
make you present of dat par of pullets. .
81 don't believe anything of the kind.
Policeman, what did this man say when he
was arrested 20
Policeman-s'Yo Honor, when
caught him he told me that he had part
ner, but did not know who it was at the
time.''
His honor fined the policeman for con-
tempt, and had Jim Webster looked up for
ninety days."
ssCharles," she said, as she brushed tn
hair back from his forehead when he sat
reading the paper yesterday morning,
"why is watch dog smaller in the morn
ing than he is at night?'
'sHe amt"
Eyes, he is. D'you give it up?'
"Yes."
s'Because he has to be let out at night
and taken in the morning."
When Barnum's show passed through a
city in the interior of the State, Chang,
the Chinese giant, who was sitting along
side of the driver of Pharoah's chariot,
unthinkingly arose in his seat to peer over
four-story building, when a telegraph
wire caught him just below the belt and
nearly cut him in half. This is reliable,
if true.
visited her aunt, who resides in Roxbury.
Upon her return she was asked if she said
her prayers when she was at aanties'.-
With wide-eyed establishment at such a
question the little one replied "Why,
mamma, bod don't live in Roxbury."
He wears penny flower in his coat,
Ladida,
And penny paper collar rOunQ MS tHfOaL,
Ladida:
In his hands penny stick,
In his tooth penny pick,
Not penny in his pocket,
Ladida.
A Maine political speaker mentioned
somebody as Shylock, and an auditor
asked who Shylock was. "If you don't
know" the orator scornfully replied,
''you'd better 90 home and read your
Bible"
A young man in the "Answer to Cor
Respondents column in New York pa
per asks: "How can 1 gain copious com
mand of lang uage ?' We would suggest
that he try sitting down on tack.
A Chicago man committed suicide be-
cause he found his business increasing so
rapidly that he feared he wouldn' be able
to manage it. His business was lodging
officers of the law.
Pashence is good thing for man to
hav, but when he has got so much ov it
that he kan fish all day over the side ov a
boat, without eny bait On his hook, lazy
ness IL what's the matter ov him.
mabel. why, you dear little girl" ex-
claimed grandpa, seeing his little grand
daughter with her head tied up, ''have you
got the headache 2" NO." she answered,
sweetly, Else dot spit turl.''
A busy man at Columbus, Ohio, keeps a
photograph ready for use in his office, and
when anybody begins to tell him long
story, he says, eJust talk it into the in
strument, and III listen to it by and by.
s'Isn't that beautiful color?" said the
fish dealer, as he cut into large salmon.
YES said Flotsam. II suppose he is
blushing at the extravagant price he is
getting for himself"
One quart ov cheep whisky, (the cheeper
the better) judiciously applied, will do
more business for the devil than the smart
est deacon he has got.
sit is harder to get ahead in this world"
said Clorinda' s young man as her father
assisted him out of the door with his boot,
"that it is to get foot"
All sighed hungry tramp, wish l
was boss; blamed if don't. He's nearly
always got bit in his mouth, while l
haven't had bit in mine for two days.
ssDo you drink" said temperance re-
former to beggar who had implored him
for aims. eyes, thank you," returned
the candid pauper, where shall we go?"
The worst about kissing Pittsburg girl
is that you carry the marks of coal dust
about your nose till you reach the nearest
pump.
An enthusiast is an Individual who be-
lieves about four times az much az he kan
prove, and he can prove about four times
az much az anybody believes
1 don't rekolect doing emmy thing that l
was just a little ashamed ov but what
somebody remembered it, and was sure,
once in awhile, to put me in mind ov it.
When woman arrives at the age of
thirty-fve without accommodating hus-
band she enjoys attending one funeral
more than a dozen balls.
y Dung men, learn to wait; if you un-
dertake to sett a hen before she il ready