Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-11-11
0Guiteau's Assassination Lottery"
A GRAND scHEME-1OO. 900 PRIZES TO BE
DRAWN DAILY.

A GRAND sCHEME-1OO.0 900 PRIZES TO BE
DRAWN DAILY.
This grand combination was originated
on July End, IN Washington city, by Chas.
J. Guiteau. for the benefit of the Stalwarts
and Thirdtermers. 1t comprizes many
valuable prizes. principally the offices of
Cabinet ministers, ministers to foreign
governments, consulship, senator's seats,
supreme judges, collectors Of customs, col
lectors of revenue, circuit court judges, U.
S. marshals, post offices and innumerable
other minor offices too numerous to men-
ton.
LIST OF PRIZES.
No. 1.-The Presidency of the U. S.; al
ready drawn; September 81.
No. 2.-President pro tenn Of the Senate;
value, nothing; already drawn by David
Davis. This ticket entities the holder to
a chance in prize No. in case the Origlna
tor continues the business.
No. 3.-Secretary Of State. This prize
is valued very high, as it is considered a
stepping stone to the Presidency. 1t is
now held by Hon Jas. Blaine, who will
soon be bounced and a stalWart will draw
Che prize.
No. 4.-Secretary of Treasury. This is
the fat est place OF all and is much sought
after By public men. Former Secretaries
who have held this position for only few
years, although poor when they took the
office, have come out at the end OF their
term millionaires. The person who gets
this prize will have to furnish the funds to
buy up States. votes and legislatures for
the benefit of the Stalwarts, to carry cleo
tions, to buy readjusters, &c. We are
kindly permitted to refer to Hon. Sherman
and Senator Malone. The present occu--
pant will have to go, as he is not inclined
| to shell out.
No. 5.-Postmaster General. This is
one of the most valuable prizes in the
scheme, as the drawer will have the dispo-
| sal of the numerous post offices OF the Ma
| ton, (big N and can make great many
votes Tor any particular candidate fer the
Presidency, besides any amount of money
out of 4 routes, mail contracts
&c. He will have to levy assessments on
every poor devil of a postmaster at any
election that the party may think it nee
esSary. 1t is true some fuss has been made
about Dorsey, Brady q Co., sometimes
called the Star Route thieves, having made
great deal of money out of mail routes,
and we can bnt confess that some money
| was stolen, not exceeding $4,000. 900. but
didn' t they buy up Indiana and corrupt
the votes for the benefit of the party? This
| is valuable prize.
No. 6-Secretary of War.-TheTe is no
war at present, except that made by a few
| Indians in the west, who occasionally kill
a few hundred settlers, with their wives
| and children, and scalp them for pastime.
This matter is turned over to the Secreta-
| ry of the Interior, who will send tracts to
| the misguided savages, to persuade them
| to desist, and will issue ratiOns and ammu-
| milton as the exigency of The case demands.
The chief duties of the drawer of this
| prize will be to order troops into the late
rebellious States, to harrass, devil and pro-
woke the citizens on important election
occasions, to disperse legislatures, to sus-
| tain and protect returning boards, to throw
out enough Democratic votes to elect all
| good Stalwarts, and if the opposite party
should still. elect their candidate, his duty
then will be, to concentrate the troops
| about the capitol, to prevent, if necessary,
the person elected from taking his seat
| We refer to former Secretaries, Stanton,
Chandler and Belknap. address, ''Infer
nal Regions, in care Diaboli.) There are
considerable prerequisites attached to this
Office. See Capt. Howgate who will prob
| ably be prom Oted for stealing few hun
dred thousand. Also BelBnap, Babcock Il
Co.
No. 7.-Secretary of Navy. This is not
very valuable prize, as the U. S. have no
Navy to boast of-only few old rotten
bulls. In case the French should persist
in digging the De Lessep canal across the
Isthmus, the vessels could be put on
| wheels and run across the Isthmus to a
suitable position. and knock the French
Into a cooked hat. The chief duties of
the holder of this prize, will be to employ
1 az ,f ,t,nr Of do OF
| sional elections in naval stations, and
make them vote the Stalwart ticket. Thus
elections will be carried and the nation
| saved.
No. S.-Secretary of the Interior. This
| is one of the valuable prizes. The latest
thing about it is the care of the Indians.
This has been source of profit to former
Secretaries. The Indians are fed by con-
tract, and contractors have learned how
not to do it and yet get rich. The thing
is easy enough; furnish cheap, inferior "a
tions, and get big pay; it is no harm for
| one of the Christian Stalwarts to steal
from the heather savages, provided it ben
| eiits the party, for the offices belong to
The Stalwarts and the fullness thereof
That beer-drinking, kraut-eating Dutch
] man, Carl SchurZ, tried to run the office on
| high moral principles, but it was no CO.
Ii any rebel should insult an Indian, he
must be shot ON the spot.
n. B.-The first seven prizes will be sold
only to Stalwarts. No Garfield Republic
cans need apply unless he will sell himself,
body and soul to the Third-termers.
No. 9.-Collector of Customs of New
York. This prize has attracted more at
tention than any one Office in the country.
1t has been much sought after by New
York politicians. It is a prize of great
value, and was the principal cause OF the
late unfortunate, unpleasantuess III the
Republican party. It was this that laid
low the lofty Roscoe and ME too Platt, !"
and has been the source Of woes unnum-
bered to the party. Several occupants
have been bounced from it and another
| soon will be. The present Chief Magistrate
was kicked out by one John Sherman, but
1t was only stepping-stone to the Vice
| Presidency. The present occupant will be
| unceremoniously bounced as soon as it can
be done without exciting too much Oppe-
| sition. The one that draws this prize
would stand a chance to be elected Vice
President if he could get himself kicked
out for dishonesty.
N. B.-This prize belongs to the late
lamented Senators from New York,
Conkling and Platt.
| We have numerous other prizes to be
drawn in this lottery of assassination, -
such as are named above. The drawing
takes place at Washington City. Price of
tickets, one or more votes to be cast for
Grant for President IN 1884. No Half
Breeds need apply. A few Garfield Re
publicans will be allowed to draw some
minor prizes for appearance sake. No
postponement. Address all communica-
tions to the undersigned.
ARTHUR.
| CONKLING,
GRANT. Nrarooore
| PLATT,
| CAMERON,
| LOGAN, }
| 7. Sowing to circumstances over
which he has no control, the originator of
the above scheme is no longer general
manager of the lottery, but the same has
devolved upon us-but it will still be