Connecticut western news., 1881-04-27
WIT AND WISDOM.

IT MUST De du oAUrdVhShub WOuuu who "beggars description"
 SOME people are so stupid that they might sit as long as Q hen and not even produce cackle.
 EVERYBODY is looking around for summer quarters; even the fly has be- gun to put on his specks.
 SIR GEORGE says he don't wonder that his sweetheart is afraid of lightning she's so awfully attractive.
 A WOMAN in North Troy lived with man fifty years, and could not endure him minute longer, but got divorce.
 SAID Byron: "I hate dumpy wo- man." He meant to say that he hated to see good thing cut short. That was all.
 THE list of commodores in the navy has been reduced to twenty-five, which leaves us only about three and half to each vessel.
 LATEST argument against tobacco The most powerful engines do not last more than thirty years because they're always smoking.
 CURRAN said of man with a very solemn face: "Whenever I see smiles on that mans face they remind me of the tin clasps on an oaken coffin."
 DIsaUsTED man says "Why don't hotels find some substitute for the ever lasting beefsteak for breakfas t ?" Bless you, lots of 'em do. Cowhide is the favorite substitute.
 A CANADIAN paper has discovered that the term "wooden-head" was in- vented for and first applied to jury of French Canadians, and never should have gone further.
 A STREET car conductor carelessly car ried his bell punch home and allowed his children to play with it. The next day the company informed him that he was 5000, ,999 fares short,
 PROFESSOR to child (angry at inatten-
 tion) -"Another minute, mees, and I shall go speak to your mamma" Pupil -"Well, take care pa don't catch you
 at it, that's all He's awfully jealous. !"
 IT IS supposed that when winter was
 going out it collided with spring coming
 in, and the seasons were so badly tele-
 scoped that it is difficult to tell t'other
 from which.
 A REMNANT that is larger than the
 original piece-The remnant of Vic-
 toria's band of Indians." Some of 1t
 gets killed or captured every few days,
 and the remnant" is still more than
 hundred yards wide, and not worsted.
 FROM off the running rivulet the icy chain it thawed,
 And the futter of the winglet of tho doveles is abroad;
 The quacklet .of the ducklet in the brooklet : we can hear,
 And the rootlet of the piglet will presently 7 appear.
 "YoU look bad to-day, Gus. Whats
 the matter with you?" asked Gilhooly of young De Smith. clam in an awful fix" responded Gus. "I have lost all
 my appetite for whisky" "Isthat so {? We'll, hope the poor fellow who finds l it has credit at the saloon 8, or he will l be in mighty bad fix : "W1FE," once exclaimed Q man re- : turning from militia muster, "they've made me Q corporal" "Dad, ex- claimed the eldest of set of tow-headed scions, "did they make us corporals, too?" "What Q question:" exclaimed the mother, scornfully. "Nobody's corporal but your daddy and me-" s IN SOME of the rural districts of Italy lover who wishes to make declara-
 tion of his passion places rose leaves
 before the door of the lady. If she
 rejects him she sweeps them away !;
 but if she accepts him the rose leaves remain. In some of the rural districts . of Chicago a lover takes along box of
 candy when he goes to see his girl. If . she rejects him she keeps the candy. j. "DEBBY, the door-bell rings, and you t must run, light the match, and touch o the shavings, and let the sticks and ,- brands get on fire in the fireplace, or O they will think we don't keep fire in # the sitting-room, and that would not q be genteel." "Yes'm-there-it is all n roaring, and the bell rings again shall l. I go now ?" "Yes." 70, lordy, marm n it was only peddler." "Apeddler a Confound him Take the fire apart q and get ready for another alarm" 1t IT IS never we'll to joke on serious n subjects, for before you know it you if may be bitten. Archbishop Laud, who 'r was Q man of small stature, was asked d when at dinner with Charles I. to say ,r grace, He turned, jocosely, to tho l. kings jester, who was present, ant
 asked him to say it instead. The jester y gravely bowed his head and said sol l. emnly: "Great praise be given tc 'r God and little laud to the devil '' Amen"
 THE President has received an urgen 5 appeal from postmaster in Kentucky
 who writes that he has been informed '" " of an attempt to secure his removal ,l s "I want you to stand up by me, MT ;, President" he says in his letter, ''be u cause during the campaign I stood by 'e you. I subscribed $35 towards paying ,e the expenses of your election, the re y ceipts for $25 of which I inclose. l los |, the receipts for the other $10. Pleas, u return these receipts when you answe Y this letter."
 . AT THE mechanical school: "Now i- John, did you ever see @ sawP" "Yes :. sir, I've saw a saw" "What saw wa ,f it you saw, John ?" "It was see-saw