Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1881-10-17

We would rather have man lend US
money than sympathy, any day.
"Gracious! wife," said father, as he
looked at his son Williams torn trousers,
"get that little Bill reseated." And she
replied $50 I Will
"What a fine, protuberant forehead
your baby has, Mrs. Jones! Did he get
it from his father?" s'No," replied Mrs.
Jones; che got it from fall down stairs"
A Chicago paper says: Cincinnati
does not filter her water. She combs it,
and the bristles she gets out of it more
than defray the expenses of the opera
tion.''
Difference between tweedledum and
tweedledee. On approaching an ice cream
saloon with his girl he turned and retrac-
ed his steps. Instead of treating it was
retreating.
A young lady being vexed with her
lover, treated him so coolly that he asked
permission to wear his ulster in the par
lor. He said she made it warm enough
for him after that.
Pat saw lady passing along, and es-
pied two strips depending from under the
womans cloak. Not knowing that these
were styled sashes, and were in the right
place, he exclaimed: ssFaith ma'am, your
gallusses are untied.'
An old fashioned minister passing a
new fashioned church, on which a spire
was going up, was asked how much high
er it was going to be. ''Not MUCH" he
answered; ''that congregation don't own
much higher in that direction"
A bride complained to her husband that
she had been too busy all day to get off
| her feet once, and that unhappy man, who
had already discovered several 'smake-
ups" in her construction, exclaimed, in
amazement: "Great heavens do they
come off, too?"
A gentleman, having engaged work
man to make some repairs in his cellar,
ordered the ale to be removed before he
commenced his work. ''Oh, I am not
afraid of barrel of ale, sirl" said the
man. ''I presume not," said the gentle
man, "but think barrel of ale would
run at your approach" s
A Chicago man visiting Cincinnati was
being shown around by citizen who said
"Now, let's go and see the Widows
Home" The Chicago man put his finger
to the side of his nose and winked, and
then said, "Not much, Mary Ann. I saw
a widow home once, and it cost me six
teen thousand dollars. She sued me fol
breach of promise, and proved it on me.
No, sir, send the widows home in hack
| t'Don't you know it's very wrong te
smoke, my boy?" said ar. elderly looking
lady in railway waiting room, to young
America, who persisted in putting cheap
cigarette, much to the old lady's discom
fort. t'Oh, I smoke for my health,'' an
swered the boy, emitting a volume O.
smoke from his mouth which very nearly
strangled the old lady. "But you never
heard of cure from smoking" continued
the lady when she had regained con
sciousness. "Oh, yes 1 did," persisted
the boy, as he formed his mouth into
young Vesuvius working on full time
''that's the way they cure pigs" ''Smok'
on, then" quickly replied the old lady
'sthere's some hope for you yet"
-s-e-&----
The symptoms of itching piles are mois
ture, like perspiration, intense itching
most at night, seems as if pin worms wer
crawling in or about the rectum. Th
more you scratch the worse they itch
very distressing. The private parts ar
often affected. DIR. SWAYNE's OINTMEN
is the most effective remedy extant for thi
tormenting complaint. Gives rest a
night without that desire to scratch. Ais
has no equal in quickly eradicating letter
itch, salt rheum, erysipelas, BARRIERS itch
pimples, all scaly, crusty, itching ski
eruptions. Here is the proof "Certainl
the best remedy ever used in my practice
DR.. Cotton, Woodstock, VT ssTrouble