The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1881-09-06
The SPIRIT OF DEMOCRACY
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER s, 1881.
The Arkansaw Kind.
Detroit Free Press.

"Speakin' bout the Arkansaw sger,
said the man with the sandy goatee and
souint eyes as be leaned back in bis
CHAIR, "that's whar yon saw my heart
strings, in case I've got any left to saw
on"
did you ever live there2"
"Did II Well, reckon Isort o. ex-
listed in them parts goin' on thirteen
years."
"And you had the ague 7"
"Had it! Why, l wallered in it,
Gentlemen, gsze on me!"
The crowd gazed.
"When l moved down into Arkansaw
from Tennessee risin' of sixteen vars
ago, [ was putty-I was, for fact.
had dozen sknle-marms in love with
me, and hang ne up if every gal in the
ballroom wouldn't break her neck fur
the honor of dancin' with mep Yes,
was purity, and was good. I was so
purity that children cried fur me, and Sc
good that l was taken fur preacher on
more'n hundred occashuns. Whar
has my purity gomez Whar' is my good
ness2 Good! Why I've got to be
the iufernalist alligator in the hull
swamp, and I'm CROWN meauer at the
rate of mile day! Fact-solemr
fact, and that contankerous ager is &c
blame fur the hull of it. I've got {
squint to my eyes, my noseshas bir
driven back an inch, and what teeth Tv'
got left have to be wedged in every Sun
day with pine pegs or I'd swallow 'em
Purity! Why, the sight of my phi:
down in st Louis killed Texas stee
dead'rn door nail, and l was tryin' Il
look handsome at tbatp
"You said you had the ague."
"Said so! Do you 'spose all the othe
calamities in this hull kentry could hav
busted me up this way9 You bet ba
'er' / struggled with 'er right alon'
fur 'leven straight Vars without let
up. Gentlemen, let me harrer your soul
with few timely remarks Your Mich
igan ager is a grasshopper. and one dos
of ky-neen knocks 'er dead Oat i
Illinoy the ager is bigger-about like
squirrel. In Missouri she's about th
size of a woodchuck, and when sh
strikes down into Arkansaw she's wo
three feet high, seven feet long, and bui
to take hold like thousand buzzards =
Great slams! but what tussels I've ha
With that ERE critter! Say, did ye eve
ride in one-hoss wagin' over ston
quarry? Was ye ever seated on the to
rail of fence when hurricane move
it at the rate of six miles minit2 Di
Je ever have cyclone pick ye up an
mop ye over forty acres of river bot
tom, wollop ye through ten acres G
woods and use We for a tool to knoc
down hundred acres OF cane brake
Well, that hain't the ager-not the Al
kansaw kind; it's only the fust faint pre-
liminaries."
He stopped to relight his cigar an
then continued:
81 bain't long to.live, and don't kee
to stretch this thing any. Telrn tn
truth hss allus bin my strong pint, an
allus will be Maybe yell git som
idea of the Arkansas ager when l tel
ye that | once unlimited both shoulder
in shakin', and it was light shake s
that. When I bad on one of my reg'ls
double back-action shakes ] could jar
| jug of whisky out of the crotch of
tree twenty.eight rods off Nobod
dast pile up cord.wood within half
mile, OF my cabin, and that's solem
fact. I devoured my ky-neen jus: q
you eat corn. beef, and my hull systeI
finally got so bitter that a dog wh
smelt of my leg couldn't git the pucke
out Of his mouth inside of ten days.
Gentlemen, | do not wish to prolon
this agony. My failin' is gab. Fust
know I'll jump the ager and begin o
Arkansaw 'skeeters, and when l &c
thar I'd harrer yer souls till ye couldn
sleepsfur two weeks. Wewill now bay
some Ticker, and l will then seek fe'
needed reposes."