The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1881-12-23
A FriSky Goat.


A tall, thin man, with red nose, gra,
side whiskers, and melancholy cxpres
sion drifted iuto the office of the POS,
san Francisco, and asked, in a subduec
voice, if there was an unemployed re
porter on the staff just then
because" said the stranger, "a very
peculiar thing happened up our way
live at Hayes Nallcy-this morning, and
which perhaps you might work up into a
sort OF item, somehow.
"What sort of thing?" said the
managing editor, r,winking to the fighting
editor to get his club ready in case the
sad man pulled out a club or any other
dangerous contryancc.
"Well, in the first place said the
stranger, abstractedly, "do You happen
to know the effect of beer on animals"
Cant say | DO.
Its exactly the reverse of what it is
on me. Instead of soothing EN- it ex
cites their nervous organization to the
highest pitch Actually makes them in
sane.
docs, eh!"
Yes, sir; and this morning, as it was
sultry, sent my youngest boy for a
gallon of beer He stopped on the way
and put the can down to play marbles
McGinty's old black billy goat came
along and drank up the beer--every
drop of it.
"Great Caesar said the court report
er, smacking his lips, regretfully.
81 La 4, ,rn nk nVnry ,lrp,, nf IL anl nanr
| ly choked to death on the can. He stood
blinking around little for a awhile;
then he started for street car, with all
colois set lie hit the horse square
amidships and he foundercd at once"
"Wrecked. | suppose 2 said the ed
itor.
"Precisely. The goat then glanced
off, killed the driver and telescoped the
car. | was sitting by the window all
the time, and my attention was attract
cd by Governor Perkins going down
the street hell bent on the election"
'GOvernop Perkins,
"rhat's the goats name you see Nc
Ginty is strong Republican. There were
four men getting piano out of wagon
| across the street when the Governor went
though EN- like a pile driver behind
time. The Steinway was sent to the
manufactory and the men went to the
hospital. Terrible, wasn't it,
"Is this ghost story in one act p asked
the militia special, getting out his
Springfield?
In one scene aud nine tableauX. said
the stranger solemnly. "On the next
block the Governor came across a Dutch
picnic, headed by a brass band. The
Teutons were footing Listen to the
Mockiag Bird, and the way that goat
stood on his hind legs and waltzed around
the pavement 10 the music was Just too
funny for anything. l may say that it
was actually amusing, 1t slipped upon a
banana peel orce, and fell against a
cigar sign"
Never mind the scenery said the edi-
tor, motioning the devil to call in six of
the healthiest compositors.
"Well pretty soon the band changed
off into Come Where My Love Lies
Dreaming. ~
did the goat come
"lou Just bet he did. He didn't
fancy the new tune somehow, and The
first thing the drum maj or knew Perky
we call the goat Perky for short-Per-
Ky took him in tne stomach, broke him
clean in two, went through the rest of
the band, including the big drum, and
SO on clear down to the end of the pic
mic which was four squares long /
think there were ninety-two killed and
eight hundred and six wounded Pretty
good, when you consider the entire dri-
wing power was only one gallon of cheap
beer: now, wasn't it? Now. it occurred
to
''Just one minute" said the editor,
signalling the staff to spit on their
hands and timber up for action. al
low me to explain what occurred to you
You concluded to catch the goat when
he got sober and bring him down here
for our benefit. You have him now tied
to fire plug around the corner, and if
we will only chip in about four bits of
beer, you will get the animal started
and we can watch the fun
Exactly" said the stranger, warmly;
that's precisely my idea | will now
take up col"
That afternoon such of the customers
of the Post as toilcd up into the edito
rial room wondered at the number of
fresh blood stains on the stairs.