Middletown transcript., 1881-04-01

that instrument. In olher words, you
can get drunk by telephone. BREAKFAST
Table.
If there is any difficulty about decid-
ing where to hold the State Fair, we
would suggest that a rocking chair or
a sofa would be a good place Wheel
ing Journal.
A Denver editor hasn't kissed any
lady except his wife for ten years. He
has missed heap of fun.-BoStOn Post.
Besides broomstick circus with his
wife.-NeU Hdren Register.
Simkins wants to know would it be
proper to call red-haired young lady a
brick. 1t might be eminently proper,
but no prudent man would try it more
than once.-Od City Derrick.
Many years ago, when they had just
become engaged, he thought it most
charming and poetical to kiss her tears
away. Now, he says it'S like kissing
Lots wife.-SaIenl Sunbeam.
1t was wealthy Philadelphian who,
being asked on his return from Europe
how he liked the Bosphorus, replied
that he didn't eat any, and preferred
the ordinary homemade sausages.-
AndrelCS Queen.
The extent to which adulteration in
food is practiced nowadays is very
alarming. One of our citizens bought
a pie yesterday, whose two crusts were
so close together as to chafe each
other.-Danbury NeeCS.
Most Of us pass our lives in regretting
the past, complaining Of the present,
and indulging in false hopes Of the
future, when it would be vastly better
to cut pole, dig some bait, and go
fishing. Meriden Recorder.
Efie Ward, who obtained divorce
from her husband Thomas Ward some
five years since, recently came into
fortune, hunted Thomas up, and mar
ried him over again. Thus does virtue
Reward ITSELF Waterloo Observer.
The Oakland girl never resents a
slight or injury inflicted by her lover.
She is tranquil, self-centered and super
ior to temper but with sleepless and
impenitent malevolence, she awaits hel
opportunity and marries him alive
San Francisco Wasp.
Pythagorus says: ''It is better to
live lying on the grass, confding in di-
vinity and yourself, than to lie on
golden bed with perturbation. That
may be good philosophy, but it is deu-
cedly unhealthy besides, most people
can lie anywhere and on any object
without the least perturbation. Boston
Globe.
The great insurance man of the north
west-STAHL, Of Elkport He once
stuck to a German farmer for p hours
to get him to take out policy. At the
end of that time the farmers wife said
"Mine Got, Shonn, if you wants
inshura, inshura, but sthop dish talka!"
The man took out a five year risk
McGregor Ne,rs.
Several young men in new York are
undecided whether to open pool room
this spring or to ''star' in SHAKESPEARE.
To open pool room, we believe, re-
quires brains, but all that is necessary
to become a Shakesperian ''star'' is
money. Hotel proprietors have an un-
pleasant habit of seizing ''star's" cos
tunes for a board bill.-Norristo,c
Herald.
A naturalist has found that spiders
are completely deceived by the sound
Of q tuning-fork, mistaking it for the
buzz Of fly. But then we are forced
to admit that we ourselves have been
as easily deceived. We remember mis-
taking the piano playing Of Miss Ham
merandbang, who lives next door, for
general outbreak in the menagerie.
Let US not set ourselves up as wiser
than the despised spider Boston Trans
cript.
Help the children. When they gather
around the table at evening with their
books and states, take right hold and
show them how to do it. Never mind
if you don't remember whether the
Ural mountains empty into the Straits
of Magellan or slide around the Cape of
Good Hope. Stuff their little heads
full Of information Of some kind, and
the next day when they recite the |
school teacher will learn how smart the
parents Of the district really are.-Ne,c
Haren Register.