The weekly herald. [volume] (Cleveland, Tenn.) 1876-1888, 1881-06-10
Mr.. spOOpendyke Prepares a Speech
UpOn MOman.o

RESPOND 10 the tOahlt w oman, m
row night, and / must prepare a few
remarks. II We both go at it, we'll get
up something nice"
"What you vantg' argued Mrs.
Spoopendyke. entering into the spirit of
the undertaking, and tapping her teeth
with her thimble. "What you want is
woman in her various phases"
"What / want is a speech" retorted
Mr. ~Spoopendyke. "They haven't put
me down for a panorama. 1 want a
short address, full of good points and
pleasant things about the ladies, Now
| shall begin: Fellow citizens"
"But women amt fellow citizens. /
should say"
"You'd say, fellow back hair, that's
what's you'd say. I'm addressing the
people, and they'reall men; don't you
see? I've got to commence somewhere,
and then / go on. Now, fellow citi-
zens, regarding women, our origin,
our companions, our posterity, our
mothers, our wives and our daugh-
tiers, what more can we say than
that they give us life, make it happy
and soothe its decliney How's that ?"
"Is that the same womanY asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke, bending over the
table. at don't strike me that she
would care to have it put in that way.
Why not say: Fellow citizen; we are
assem-"
whats the matter with your de-
handed Mr.. Spoopendyke. give got
to open with a sentiment, and you can't
find anything mor graceful than that.
Then 1 will go on: 'She rises in the
cradle, reaches her meridian at the al
tar and goes down in q flood of dew at
the grave Can you grasp that ?"
81 don't like that as well as the
other" demonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"You make her a mother while she's a
baby, and as for the grave part, you
don't stop to think that she may be an.
other meridian by getting married ..n,n.
l would say something like mis- Eel.
low citizens we are assem-
mo- l ont either. Who's going to
Pe married again? Can't you see that
I'm only carrying out the first idea of
origin, companship, and poSterity
Rising in the cradle means giving us
birth. Now you hold up. Suppose ]
say next we revere her as mother,
adore her as wife, and-and,' say what
do we do for her as daughter ?"
owe provide a home for her
Wouldn't"
eyes, of course /" raved Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. "That's the ideal That fixes
it All you want now is two prolonged
laughters,' four continued applauses,
one enthusiasm and "a voice to be
an o%rationl Fellow citizens, we furnish
her with poached eggs and beans! Eel
low citizens, We pass her the gravy
Fellow citizens =" yelled Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, gesticulating like a horse-chest-
nut tree. "Fellow citizens, if she wants
her beef rare, we give it to her Eel
low citizens, we give her all the dod
gasted butter she can paste on her
bread!' is that what You want me to
say? Expect I'm going to stand around
and make a measly ass of myself? Eel
low citizens, as mother we revere her
Fellow citizens, as wife we adore her
Fellow citizens, to help a man get up a
speech she's the dod slamdest donkey
that ever raised a family!' wah-h-h-h,'
shrieked Mr.. Spoopcndyke, purple in the
face, got any more suggestionsP Know
any more eloquence 81 and the worthy
gentleman leaned back in his chair
speechiess.
"Couldn't you leave her out alto
getherY' recommended Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. Cant you just revere her as
mother and adore her as wife? As for
the daughter, you might pass it over
with saying: Fellow citizens, we are
sssem-"
"Yes, or [ can cut her throat !" pro-
claimed Mr., Spoopondyke. 81 can take
her to lhc pound 1 can salt her down
for winter usel bod CAST the speech =
and Mr.. SpoopendNke danced on the
fragments Of his notes. Tomorrow
night I'll answer that toast by telling
what a dod gasted old mule you'd make
of any man that would listen to'you,"
and Nh. Spoopondyke banged himself
into the bed like a beer spigot and.went
to sleep.
"Well,' thought Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she took down her hair and put it
up again, 81 don't see why he
couldn't say: Fellow citizens,
we are assembled here to say
something poetical about women,
and the best / can say is we show her
when we don't always love her, and we
love her when we don't always
show it," That's sensible and it's
so," sighed Mrs. S~poopendyke,
falling over her husbands boots
and then the good m opened
the window on her spouse's side of the
bed, and sticking a few pins in the pill.
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