The Portland daily press., 1881-01-04
Spoopendyke.
Some Difficulty ABOUT the Calls.

"Now, my dear, .ssaid Mr. Spoopendyke,
"let me see the list of ladies sou want mo 20
call on. Ireally don't care togo around much.
but man ought TO do what his wife wants
him to do on New Years day. Where's the
list?"
'Here II IT," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, ilutter-
ing around with her hair in her mouth. II
wrote them all out with the addresses for you.
SO you wouldn't have any trouble"
"What makes you put old Sister Lamb at
the head Of the list?" growled Mr.. Spoonpen-
dyke. "She's got a wart on her chin the size
OF fire bell, and she can't talk anything but
the advantages of egg over stove coal for heat
ing the Sunday School"
"But she belongs to the church, and dou't
believe anyone else viii call on her." reasoned
Mrs. Spoopendyke "She'l be ticlled to death
to see you"
"What do you think I'm starting out fors
demanded Mr.. SpoOpendyke iercely. SCOT
an idea Pm going around like missionary to
carry the Gospel to people everybody else Is
afraid Of? Who's this? What's this second
name here2 Who's Mrs shklymbretoy?"
That's Mrs Wolverton. promised her
you would call. Never mind Mrs. Lamb. but
you ought to call on Mrs. wolverlon."
"What for? What has she got in common
with me, except that her bones ass hollow?
She don't know the difference between .
Guinea pig aud the burning OF Jerusalem
Always wants to know il I don't think that
Sodom and Gomorrah were parallels. Is that
the kind Of list you've made out? Want me
4 old
Who's Miss Swasl?"
That's Mrs. Smith, the little widow You
know she's interested in sending women out
West to get husbands. She'll amuse you"
"She viii If she sees me, She'll make me
laugh like hyena if she gets one eye on me.
Who's that yellow-headed girl that sits two
pews in front of us? III call on her now"
"She's little chit of thing. Yoa don't
want to run after those young people--a man
of your age!"
whats the reason don't?" howled Mr..
Spoopendyke. "Got an idea that / only care for
the tough old people, haven't you? Think I'm
a sort of Plymoutli Rock, don't YOU? Got any
more old landmarks that need Inspection
~ don't care!'' demonstrated Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, Indignantly; "they're nice people and
like to cultivate them. They may be along in
life, but they can't help it,"
Cultivate them, If you want to- growled
MIR. Spoopendyke; "but il you think I'm 60
ing hoeing around among em on the first OF
January, you're left. What dye want to cul-
tivate 'em for? With your friends and ideas
you only need weekly prayers and an alarm of
fire to be an old womans home. Who else
have you got here? Mrs. S.iggonspratt, Mrs
Woptenslough, Miss Kimpzf-"
''You don't read them right at all :" com
planned Mrs. Spoopendyke. That's Mrs Sill
verspoon and Mrs. Worthington and Miss
Hemmingway. They are just as nice as they
can be-"
care they the three old worthless who howl
| In the choir?" asked Mr.. Spoopendyke sternly
They've got grandson old enough to be my
father"
They haven't" sobbed Mrs. Spoopendyke
"You know BETTER
"Well, most Of 'em have. What dye want
me to call on them for? Got any more old
almanacs expecting me? Where's the Sphinx?
You haven't got the Sphinx down here, nor
the Tower OF Babel Who're these other
pyramids? Who's Mrs. Upsdedown?''
That's Mrs. Edgerton. She sent You the
| jelly when you were sick, and you said she
was the best woman in Brooklyn You'll have
to call on her for politeness," said Mrs. Spoop-
endyke severely.
II won't either!" shouted Mr. Spoopendyke.
The jelly was sour, and she made me pay q
dollar toward plaster of Paris angel for a
starving family out in Flatbush. Who's this
other nurse of George Washington's? Here.
locks funeral thirty years ago."
"You didn't You never didi" proclaimed
Mrs. Spoopendyke, thoroughly aroused. THAT
isn't her name either. It's Miss Schofeld and
she is the best friend I've got. only want"
II know what you want hissed Mr.. Spoo-
| pendyke. You want a few more acquaint-
ances, and map to be guide book to ancient
| Troy. Think Tn going TO call on that old
monolith? Got any thing here that belongs to
modern times? Know anybody who has been
| dug up within six or eight centuries? Who's
| that black eyed girl in the Bible class9 Don't
! she hang out q flag to-day?"
81 wouldn't look at her, shifted Mrs. Spoo-
| pendyke, 81 wouldn't have you 20 there for
worlds. Besides, she don't receive"
| What's this?" demanded Mr. Spoopendyke,
What Mrs. Wimpqstvxq got to do with Il?
| What cemetery will find her IMP"
| That's Mrs. Willoughby," explained Mrs.
| widow who receutly joined the church."
81 don't mind calling on her." said Mr..
| Spoopendyke. "She wasn't born more'n four
| thousand years before the Christian era. Got
| any more like her? Does this measly list CON
| tain anybody else who wasn't the mother OF
| the Chinese Empire? Think Of any more
| grave stones that haven't had the epitaphs
| worn Off"
| "and now l remember, Mrs. Willoughby re-
| ceives calls with friends in Buffalo"
"Dod gast your dod gasted list!'' howled Mr.
| Spoopendyke, dancing ON the unhappy docu-
ment. WnaC aye THINK am, q ghoul?
| S'pose I'm going to prance around among all
| the measly old ghosts in Brooklyn? S'pose I'm
| going to swash around and eat cake and drink
lemonade with lot of illustrations Of the silu-
| rian period? Think I'm going to spend the
| day with lot of articulated old skeletons just
| because they belong to the same church that
| do?" and Mr.. Spoopendyke popped out of
| the house like bung, and went next door TO
| see ifhis friend Tortorthumb knew any num-
| mics of whose history there was some tradi-
| tion.
"I don't care" said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as
| she whirled around two or three times to prac-
| tice kicking her train, "if he don't call on the
! church people they'll be hopping mad, and il
| he does, he won't have much ot time. so
| he'll wish he was dead either way" and Mrs
| Spoopendyke hustled into the parlor to assure
| sandy haired young man with a stiff neck
| that 1t was awful good OF him to come, and 10
! learn that he hadn't come far of his own volt
| ton, but had slid most of the way.