The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-06-03
ALLIED BIS o. WIT.

Il. Place the fork firmly in the breast of
the duck.
~. Place the duck firmly in the breast of
your nearest nci ishpor." rahlcau.
Electricity in Frankln's time was a Won
der; now We make light of it.-BOston Com
merciM Bulletin.
1t is terribly embarrassing to come into
town from fishing excursion and find there
is not trout in the market.-Boston Gtobe.
ADelaware editor, who is also aphysician,
offers as All inducement to new subscribers, to
vaccinate every one who will take his paper.
A traveller in Germany speaks Of certain
kind of sausage the like Of which never was
seen in the earth Bologna in the heavens
above.
The rule for carving duck, which an am
ateur followed al a recent New York dinner
party, would read about as follows if put in
the form of recipe:
Here lies the man whose crown was won
BY blowing i'll an empty gun,
And met the girl on Heavens green
Who lit the fire with kerosene.
Rochester Erpress
"Pinafore" and the small poX reached
Honolulu and Japan on the same boat
They didn't mind the small pox very much.
-BOStOn Post,
1t would be very awkward just now if
the Indians were to make an attack on the
frontier. Pretty near all the United States
army Is here in New York attending the
Whitaker trial.-Puck.
Boarding house brilliancy: 'Sweets to the
sweet, SAID the funny young man, as he
handed the waiter girl a faded bouquet.
"Beers to the beat" returned the girl, as she
pushed him a plate of cgetables.-Detrou
Chat.
New York's latest laldy dah: "Do you
play the piano?" "No: | don't play the pi-
ano, but my sister Hannah who is in Savan-
nah, she plays the plan" in the most charm
ing mannah." Haveabanana ~ Nelc
York Star.
If we were the Gar we should put stucco
image in the imperial bed every night, light
out by some secret passage and sleep incog.
somewhere else. 1t would just be fun to
have those nihilsts blow up nihil.-N Y.
Commercial Adcertiser.
A Chicago editor got hold of a map the
other day, and presently exclaimed: "By
tunket, the Mississippi river runs by ST.
| Louis, doesn't it," and then he wrote par
| agraph referring to the Mississippi as mis-
cradle brook-B0ston Globe.
A wicked man: "Henry," said his wife
with chilling severity, II saw yon coming
out of a saloon this af,erir,on.' "Well, my
darling" replied Tia. hearlless man, "you
wouldn't have your / sband staying in q
saloon all day, would uY'-LooeH Courier
Brilliant suggestion: "You say there
haln't no w in French" says Tumbleton
"then how in thunder does them chaps spell
water | should like to know" The ques.
ton was referred to the full house, with pow
er to send for persons and papers.-Bosto'
Transcript
William Peters, of Arkansas, sat himself
down on the steps of a country church an'
said there would b. no preaching there tina
Sunday. After William had received bul
let in the leg he vacated and the service
were begun. The text was "Why do TIN
heathcn rage?"
The Elmira Free Press says that Talmage'
, revival yanked in 500 converts. Pardon It's
dear brother, but do you think that "yanke'
i'm is sufficiently respectful expression t.
use in this connection? Would "scooped
not be III IRE diguitied and consider air::-Nc,
York Aduertiser.
gentleman, calling on farmer, observed
"Mr. 10 les, your clock is not quite right,
it?" "Well, you see, SIR" SAID Mr. Jones
"nobody don't understand much about tina
clock but me. When the hands of that cloc
stands at twelve, then i: strikes two, an
then know is's twenty minutes to scven.-
Detroit Free Press.
Artemus Ward once found himself in
little Maine hotel, where the wind, comiI,
through two broken panes in his bedroom
nearly froZe him TO death. He rummage
around the room, but could find nothing bt
honp-skirt, which he hung up against til
window, remarking: alt will keep out til
coarsest of the cold, anyway"
A colored preacher, after listening to tn
sermon of young theologue, offered, in re-
erent and beseechine tones, the f"i!owil
!, remarkable petition: 80, Lawd, brrsS q
young brudder efiluently. Feed his sol
= wild JUNCTION from on high. Qu-u'h h
, thirst wild de balm of Glead and d. lily o
de valley. Annoint his head. o Lawd. ii
: it runs down like de beard of Aaruoli-ar
noint him wild de Isle of Patmos aud nil hi
4 wild all manner of concupstrance.
/ A rather pale, pouting and impassis
a young man from New England was explain
: ing to a crowd of young ladies his own cha
f acteristics, and was defending Carlyle f
z having given to Froude the memoranda
his life. "The fault with Carlyle" said h
sis that he is erratic and antithetical.
is either away up or away down-very hy
terical in his wit or very fiat in his mela
" choly. Now am like neither Carlyle III
e Hugo. am placid; am neither flank
IS the antithesis. am the semi-colon."
Amiable husband (who has just finishe
moving):" Where are my slippers, dear
Wife--"The came along with the thi
load and that load went to the garret
d Husband" Where Is my pipe?" Wife
+ you'll find it in the barrels of crockery
/ the cellar" Husband-"W Where are n
> comb and hair brtlsh?" Wife-"Jane pac
o ed them in the kitchen stove with the ch
n dren's Shoes" Husband (mentally soliloqu
e zing)-" What a woman my wife is! s.
n never went to college and yet she knows e
O erything."-Brooktyn Eagle.
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