The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-02-08


the following: "Gentlemen, not Ce,
your advertisement for an organis
and music teacher, either lady or gen
tleman. Ha wing been both for scyera
years, ofler you my services"
"INsANrrY Is increasing among tn
women of America" Don't bcliev,
1t. The women Of America don't dras
as long skirts over the dirty sidewalk
rs they did only II year ago; nor d,
then make frantic dive tor q fist ful
Of trail which is dexterously lifted b,
the left foot.
FASHIONABLE young lady at socia
hooly; ~ wonder how much [ woult
bring if l was put up at auction ant
sold to the highest blddcr?" "Jus
about five hundred dollars" "Why
my jewelry alone is worth that
Eyes, that l put 1t down in my esLi
matc.'
MISTRESS AS you've never been II
service, I'm afraid can't engage yol
without Il "character." Young Per
sOn-l have three school Board certi.
fcates, ma'am. Mistress-Oo, well,
suppose for honesty, clcanlincSs-
Young PcrSOn-No, ma 'am; for liter.
atoor, ioggr'phy, an free 'and draw
rim!
SOME genius has invented n BLOWN.
machine with sufficient wind power Il
blow Il man over a threc-story bricl
house. 1t would seem now that W.
might dispense with Congress, but we
uon't suppose that body Will tnke TIL,
hint and adjourn.
APrEn an enthusiastic lover spends
two hours hard labor overa letter tC
his girl and then mars It's beauty BY
spilling drop of ink on It,, he frSt
swears III Il scientific manner for few
minutes and then draws circle rount
the blot and tells her it Is a kiss; ant
she, poor thing, believes It.
VIcAR-''Sorry never SEQ you a
church, Squire, AS n leading man IL
the parish, you onght to be one Of the
pillars" Suuire-"Well, at al
events, If Pm not Il pillar, Pm one o
the buttresscs- - always to be fount
outside, you know!"
INVALID: "I'vc had wretched
night, Ms. Wobbles." Nurse: "Dear
dear me, sir! | thought you slept m O #
comfortable. Invalid with n groan) :
"Oh Mrs. Wobblcs, do use tho al
verb! !" Nurse: eyes, sir; I'll see
about it directly sir, r,-but"-(puzzle }
% rcely don t think there's one IN
the 'ousc, sir?
a LITTER addressed to "the pretties
g'rl in Scdalla. Mo- Is posted up 1oI
claimant. The girls all say, cit took.
like his writing | wish they had ju>
sent 1t to me and not stuck il up tha
way In public place. I'll never get It
now"
LITTLE Charley had his hair "bob.
bed" the other day but did not like til,
operation of Dru shing. "NIa, that bar
ber's brush made me suuawk." Mo
ther--"I did not hear any noise
Charley" | squawked in my
thinks.'
a GENTLEMAN speaking of the happi
ness of tho married state before Iii
daughter disparagingly said: "Sh,
who marlics does well but she VIII
does not marry does better" "Wcll
them" said the young lady, Il will al
we'll; let those who choose do butter.
GERMAN radical philosopher ha!
said that a man Is what he cats, mean
ing that his body and his brains ar
built up out OF his food and al there
foro, coarse or fine, according to wha
he takes Into his alimentary canal.
"IF should put on green eIas. es an
View tins class, would not b. deceiv.
Cd In their aDpoarance?' "Wcll-no
don't think you would"
--->--
A YOUNG lawyer wished to cite al
authority on casc he was conduct
ing, and not being able to remembe
It, his opponent wittily rem arked
"Though lost to oite,to memory dear.
II you want to ascertain low man
cgg, In last years nest just try t
borrow few dollars from an old-tim
frlend.
WHAT Is the difference botw cen
farmer and a bottle of whisky? On
husbands the corn and the other corn
the husbands.
MIX MIDDLERIB, who was in the army
irreverently calls his night shirt hi
napsack.
COAL is so black that it is wonderf,
now dealer can make a ton 80 light
lr 10 said that apig lives only twent
years. And yet tho world Is filled wit
much older hogs.
SPEAKING of cities, Is Awl Benny
shoemakcr's last stopping place?
HEis dry man who whets his an
petite on salt.
THE leap~year gait is "go-as -sh
pleases."