The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-07-06
FLOATING FANOIEs.

Lover of scenery
Boston baked beanery
Man.
81 never contract bad habits said Robin
son to his wife. ''No, dear, you generally
expand them," was the reply.
It is said Olive Logan tainted away the
other day when she met an old lover. Ibls
gave the old lover an opportunity to escape.
Gentle Annie-Yes, it will be proper to
work 8 monogram in the liver pad which the
young ladies are getting up for the pastor OF
your church.
II suppose the President will at once send
in the names of Messrs. Lorillard and Keene
% ministers to England and France, respect
i7ely."-Gen. Grant.
Two men have recently died a natural
death in Texas, and all that the reformed
religion now needs is q big tabernacle and a
swell corDet player.
Unless the successor Of Carl Schurtz is
more successful than be was, the nameof the
bureau had better be changed to the depart
meut Of the Inferior.
Now that the New Testament is revised,
perhaps it would not be out Of place torevlse
some of our modern preachers who select
their texts tberefrom.
A Connecticut man announces that he can
play seventeen musical instruments at once.
Perhaps he can, but as he is still living we
infer that be never does.
4 Cincinnati lawyer has astonished his
professional brethren by charging a S2O, oUo
fee for collecting $54,OOO. me astonishing
part is that he didn't get $780,, 0OO.
A three year old discovered the neighbours
hens in her yard scratching. In a most lndlg-
nant tone she reported to her mother that Mr..
Smiths chickens were "Wiplng their feet or
our grass"
Cp to the present moment Of writing, the
original Garfield man is living at his pleas
ant home in Hazleton, Pennsylvania, and
didn't get any more than the original Han
cock man. Ii is true, as John Bunyan said,
that Republicans were ungrateful.
During q trial for assault in Arkansas, q
club, q rock, q rail, al Ak handle, a knife
and @ shot gun were exhibited as Sthe instru-
ment with which the deed Was done" 1t
was also shown that the assaulted man de-
Tended himself with q revolver, a scytne, 9
pitchfork, q chisel, 8 handsaw, q tail ana a
cross dog.
A bow came into q restaurant, the other
day, where they sell remarkably thin sand
witches, and, when asked what kind OF q
sandwich he would have, said 'Giye me =
shadoh." The attendant said that they dld
not keep shad sandwiches. And not unul
he saw q smile on many Of his customers,
faces did he get the idea.
We are told that 8 California printer
and editor, whose legs and arms are totally
para]yzed, sets type with his teeth-puttlng
his editorials and other articles in type With
out writing them. Of course he clips para
graphs with bis teeth also. There is a print
er in st. Louis who is sans legs, sans arms
and sans teeth, and he is Q match for the Cal
ifornia typo. He sets type with his ears.
He puts an editorial in type with one ear
while composing an original poem with the
other. The only person in this country who
owns q more remarkable pair of ears is the
man who believes the story, and they are
only remarkable for size.
The potter's field of this expanding nation
has two new mounds. The daisies may
blossom, the gentle dews descend, and the
Katydids chirp. Yet where, oh where, can
we find O. man who will shed Q tear upon BE-
holding these new tombstones: