The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-04-01
ALLEGED BITS OF WIT.

ALLEGED BITS OF WIT.
A game of base ball Is like buckwheat
cake-a good deal depends on the batter.
Song of a man with rope around his neck
and mob at the other end: I'm saddest
when swing"
The fashion editor of the n. Y. CONNER
cidi says If mans house is his castle, wo-
mans head must be her shebang. -...,
Parties who ascend Bunker Hill Monument
are like newspaper advertisers--they all want
to get tn the top of the column.-Commer-
ciai Bulletin. E e-
Senator Malone has voted with the Repub-
licans, and Senator Davis peers over from
the Democratic side of the fence and says,
" Oh my, what a partisan! ~ ...-E -'a.
When car is accidentally put of the track
nowadays, it is said to be ''de-railed." We
presume that when man Is accidentally put
of the car, he may be said to be 6e-rided.
Just so. -,s.f aaf -a. H., -..-
Professor In psychology: Scan we con-
reive Of anything as befng.out os time and
still occupying space ?' Musical student,
thoughtfully: Yes, sir; poor singer in
chorus"
prominent lumber man in Burlington
has had his coat of arms painted on the
panels of his carriage, with the latin motto
"Vidi," which, by Interpretation, is II saw"
Hd,ckeye. ..
On receiving prize in foot-race, the sue
cessful competitor said {" Gentlemen, Ihaye
won this cup by the use of my legs; trust
may never lose the nse of my legs by the use
of the cup"
The Indiana Legislature has passed an act
to prevent the marriage of weak-minded per-
sons. This is very well, but it would be
still better If there were any means of ascer-
tanning, in the matter of getting married,
just who the weak minded people are.
"Doctor," said Julius Cesar to a Calves
ton doctor, /" l think my liver must be out Of
order" "What are your symptoms P"
Well, after I have taken ten or fifteen tod
dies fall asleep, and as soon as l wake up l
am tormented with thirst" - Galveston
Ne,rs. r
Extract from primer: This is an Indiana
man. What has the Indiana man in his
hand? The Indiana man has his grip-sack.
Has the Indiana man been to Washington?
The Indiana man has been to Washington.
Is the Indiana man mad? Yes, the Indiana
man is slam mad.-Lomscile Courier Jour
nal .sEe.
"Dance," said the young lieutenant, by
Jehosophat, I'll become the best dancer in
Washington Hang it, l don't want to 60
out West and fight Indians, and If become
the favorite dancer do you suppose the dargh-
tiers of the Senators will let their pas permit
me to be sent away? know what's what. F"
A narrow escape: Education doesn't al
ways make the pot boil. A man was sent to
the Poorhouse over in Oakland the other day
who spoke French and German tuently, If
he had also known Spanish he would proba-
bly, have starved to death long ago. Next to
the small pox the most dangerous thing to
possess on this coast is brains.-Sdn Franets-
An excited convert Let me ont let me
out I've got salvation |" sobbed thin man,
in a many -pocketed ulster, up at the NJ. and
S. meeting the other night, as he wedged to.
ward the door. "Let me go home and bear
the blessed .idings to my unbelieving wife,
But all the same q suspicious detective jam
med him up against the wall and unloaded
from his pocket three watches and five pock'
et-books. after which the services went on
s. r. Post. 81.
Robert Burdette of the Burlington Hack.
Eye was showed up in the interior the Other
day, and telegraphed to the tewn where ne
was to lecture that he was coming, and not to
| begin till he got there, as he wanted to hear
the whole lecture. Arriving about $50 p
m. he found the audience singing collage
songs and waiting patiently. As he walked
| m the audience rose and struck up 1--WE
won't 20 home till morning." To this he
responded that If he had known that he
wouldn't have been in such hurry. I
Lamentable domestic incident There Is
row and some talk of divorce in the Nc
Spillkins family. Mrs. McSpillkins' mother
Is stopping with the family and there Is some
little feeling. Johnny McSpillkins wasread
| ing in the Galveston Ne,os about man wht
had killed his brother. Johnny asked: "Pa
is a man who kills his brother fratricide ?
q" Yes" responded McSpillkins. What is
man who kills his father?" "A patracide.
"And when he kills his wife ?" "Uxorcide.'
"And when he kills his wife's mother? ?
"Justifiable homicide" replied he, slarlns
at the old lady.-Ne,rs.