The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1881-02-17
SPUOPENDYKE.
The Difficulties of a witness.

WlbneSS IN court.
"Good gracious !" calculated Mrs.
Spoopendyke, "what have you been
doing 2"
What dye s'pose I've been doing ?
I've heard some things in law case,
and I've got to swear to them. You
can't have law case without witnesses,
and I've got to be one tomorrow so
you hustle out in the morning and get
my breakfast"
"They can't do anything to you, can
theyY ?" inquired Mrs. Spoopendyke,
nervously. 49,.
eff I amt there in time they can
send me to JAIL" responded Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, ominously, "and you'd better
get me ready in time if you don't want
to lose me-" and Mr. Spoopendyke flop
ped into bed and went TO sleep
Mrs. Spoopendyke turned the clock
ahead two hours, arranged her hair, and
sat down to speculate on the chances of
waking up at the proper moment. At
first she concluded to stay up all night,
but she began to get sleepy, and reflect
ing that if she fixed her mind on the
hour she wanted to rise she'd be sure to
wake up, she went to bed and to sleep
simultaneously.
At ilalf-past four she reused up with
terrible start
"Wake up, my dear " she exclaimed
to her husband "1ou've got to go
a-witnessing in O case this morning.
Hurry up or they'll put you in jail"
"Wah " rejoined Nlr. Spoopendyke.
What did the deed get mixed there
with proof-ah " and Mr.. Spoopendyke
was sound asleep again.
"You must get right up and go to
court" said Mrs. Spoopendyke, firmly.
"You know something about law court,
and you must get up right Off"
What's the matter?" propounded
Mr. Spoopendyke, sitting up and glaring
around him. "What day of the month
is this? Who called Spoopendyke? 1
amt slept wink!" and Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke fell back on his pillow.
" You know you mu st o to the case,"
continued Mrs Spoopendyke "you've
been appointed witness and you must
go and swear about it. Wake up or
they'll arrest you"
"What case ?" demanded Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. "Who's arrested? Can't you let
a man alone just as he is getting in a
doze? What's the matter with you,
anyway"
"You wanted to get up early about
that court. Come, get up now, or
they'll send you to jail" and Mrs.
Spoopendyke got up and lighted the
gas, and began dropping on her skirts.
"Who's going to cour; ?" asked Mr..
Spoopendyke, sitting up in bed.
"Where is the court? Think any court
wants me at five o'clock in the morn
ingy"
cts about law case," said Mrs.
Spoopendyke, cheerful y. "You know
you are a witness. 10 think that |
should live to be the wife of witness !"
and Mrs. Spoopendyke, fiji mly impressed
that it was something il the nature of
foreign mission, gazed admiringly upon
her husband.
"Dod gast the law case" howled
Mr.. Spoopendyke, now thoroughly mad.
"D'ye think a law case goes prowling
around all night like policeman? Got
an idea that judge is going to strap
the courthouse on his back and fetch it
up at daylight to try law case ?"
But you said you wanted to get up
early" reasoned Mrs. Spoopendyke,
"and it's pretty early now"
"D'ye suppose [ wanted to get up at
midnight to practice % propounded Mr..
Spoopendyke. "Think law case is
like church sociable, the first man
gets the best supper? P'raps you were
afraid if I didn't start early l wouldn't
get seat. The measly court don't meet
till ten o'clock, dod gast it and here
you wake me up at four What dye
suppose witness is, anyhow" shouted
Mr.. Spoopendyke, getting madder.
"Think he's dark lantern, and goes
around with his slide turned and the
smoke coming oIt of the top? Dye
knowe what a court is ?"
"Why, yes" said Mrs. Spoopendyke,
"a court is where they hang people.
Mrs. Mierhof-"
"That's it You struck it first clip r'
sputtered Mr.. Spoopendyke. "With
that information, all you want is plug
hat and an adjournment to be lawyer.
If I had your intelligence and a bald
head I'd hire out for Judge at board
wages. 1 tell ye court is where they
try cases about lands, and licking peo-
pie, and contracts, and-and divorce
cases. Yes, indeed, they try divorce
cases about women waking their hus,
bands up in the dead of night"
"What kind of a law are you going
to witness ?"
"a daylight case You understand
that -? At ten o'clock, and not five.
Got that through your head? Think
you can remember ten o'clock? If YOU
can't, can you remember eleven, OF
noon ?"
"Do they have cases every hour ?'
queried Mrs. Soopendyke.
"Of course they do. They leave
every fifteen minutes, like ferryboat,
and if can't catch one case I'll witness
in another. Got it now? Only they don't
ruin as often from midnight to six.
Begin to see into it ?"
81 think do" said Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, ruminating. 81 was thinking
that if lie started about three o'clock
I'd go and witness with you I"
"Oh you'd make a witness" pro,
claimed Mr., Spoopendyke. "With
your capacity for observation and ability
to recollect, you'd only want to appear
twice to absorb the whole witness bust.
neCs," and with this reflection Mr..
Spoopendyke went back to his slum-
bers.
: At ten o'clock sharp his wife called
him and notified him of the hour.
"How'm l going to get there in
time? Why didn't you call me before
Want me sent to State prison for con,