The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-06-11
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

An unwelcome sigh-Sclatics.
A heavenly sigh-Sidereal.
A sound investment-Hiring a brass band.
Ifyou would shine in the world be boOtblack.
Was anybody killed by the crash Of the towel.
Aurora Daily Netcs.
Ifyou used carbolic soap freely with the crash
probably half million ''greybacks" went under.
II has been authoratively denied that General
Hancock was the coolest when on the point OF a
tack.
recent poet asks: 'What do the rivuets say
TO each other| They probably engage in cur
rent gosslp.-N. Y. Herald.
A Connecticut man ordered drink and then
offered in payment an order for goods from the
Overseer OF the POor.-ib
The aesthetics" are falling off in their worship
OF other peoples pitchers and pots and now
adore one another's ugly mugs-'o
When the Philadelphia girls on one block start
out to clean their front steps on Saturday morn
ing they have a scrub race worth seeing.
"will the coming man hyY" He probably will
when the coming woman gets after him.
Mrs. Watson, OF New York. got only six cents
damages in her suit against Mr.. Myer for kiss
ing her Whittier are we drifting!
Once they started girls seminary in Utah.
1t fourished well; but, just in the height of its
prosperity, the principal eloped with the whole
school.
An Indiana paper piteously asks, "Why should
the father OF prodigal son have killed fatted
caf?' Perhaps the old gentleman was tired Of
mutton
1t is terribly embarrassing to come into town
from fishing excursion and find there is no trout
in the market.-BOstOn Post.
Conundrum for the skeptics If there is no
devil as you assert, who then is the father Of
nies! Several bald headed men impatiently await
your reply. -CouierJour.
The man who woke up one bitterly cold night
and found he had kicked all the clothes Off was
surprised, but he quickly rccoycrcd.-BoSton
Post
If the country should tip up little in the
course Of week the matter need excite no alarm
Senator David Davis is going to the Pacific coast
for a rest.
''The republican party" says Gath, sis an idea
and scheme" The idea Is, to possess all the
offices; the scheme, to work them for all they
are worth.-tOurier-Jou
"Fruit eating at night is baneiul." This is one
Of those wise axioms proved to be true by Adam.
His trouble was caused by eating an apple after
Eve.
II Mr.. Conkling fails to get back to the Sen.
ate, there is one congenial field to him, which he
should not overlook. He would make q mag
nifcent hotel clerk Washington Star.
Hot weather has not yet subdued the energies
OF the citizens OF the Pine-trce state. A Maine
man arrested the other day had on seven shirts.
Some wretched cync once remarke that there
would be fewer evils Ia the world II 1t were not
for the existence Of women yes" was the
sharp reply, you yourself wouldn't be in it."
They say Beaconshcld never wore anything but
patent-leather shoes. A man with nothing on
but patentleather shoes must have been pretty
Dizzy spectacle in parliament
Some wicked Photographer says: "A very Gu.
rious incident occurred near Louisville the other
day, railroad train being thrown from the track
without injuring anybody above the rank Of ma
jor."
scientist says: The weight OF the mass OF the
earth is estimated at g. 069 COS IT'S OOO 600 600 OOO
900 Of tons. The orbtal momentum of the earth
is about 600 600 600 600 600 600 600 600
horse power. Now We know what turns the
wind mills. --McGregor .Nec,.
Her lips were so near
That-what else could dOv
ioul be angry, fear,
But her lips were near
Well, can't make II clear,
Or explain II TO you,
BHt-her lips were 80 near
That-what else could dos
Water L~dr,.ri.
Kentucky angler states that a teaspoonful,
or somewhat more, OF common salt, dissolved In
Rtwog gallon minnow bucket OF fresh water, will
render the water capable OF keeping alive for
several hours this time Of the year seventy. f We
mlnnows for balt.-Netc York Tribune Chi
cago angler states that - cents handed to a
small boy will buy string Of fish to take home
and lie about. Chicago always heads the pro.
cesssion.
Wheeler, the editor of the Elgin Lade,., re.
fused, on account Of the nude-limbed pictures
to print Forepaugh's circus advertisement, and
boasts Of his superior morality In this style:
"Only three newspapers In the world-so far AS
heard irom-haye refused to advertise for Fore.
paugh's show. One in Shelbyvllc, Indiana one
in Pennsylvania, and the EIgi" L.pier. That's
only one in every 5000 papers. We have quite
astart-more than the twelve apostles had
"Honi sol qn NAL pense" Doubtless mill
ions have looked at these pictures and never
dreamed Of the nasty things that their sight con.
jurcd up in Wheeler's mind
But yesterday the noisy crowd Bore them along
with loud acclaim; To Grant and Conkling grand
and proud They pointed, with their spotlcss fame
But fame is false, and friends are weak and pow.
er and patronage are strong, While they who
lawn your aid to SEEK Desert yoa with the gath.
erlng storm. so they who stood with heated
breath, And chcered for Grant and Conkling
100" Now, "crucify them to the death" Is
shouted by the yelpiug crew.-Staitcart Bard.
One OF the saddest incidents connected with
The present backward spring is the fact that
when girl from Boston asked a Chicago Young
man II the cr,occris aspdrdH had appeared here
plays would be allowed in Chicago When he
subsequently learned that she was only giving