The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1881-05-20
The Difficulties Of an Orator.

Snow, my DEAR" said Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, as he drew writing materials to-
ward him, ''n0w, want your womans
wit. These fellows insist that | must
respond to the toast, Woman, to-mor-
row night, and must prepare few re-
marks. IF We both get at it, We'll get
up something nice"
"What you want, " argued Mrs. Spoop-
endyke, entering into the spirit of the
undertaking, and tapping her teeth with
her thimble, what you want is woman
in her various phases"
"What I want is a Speech" retorted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "They haven't put
me down for panorama. l want a
short address, full of good points and
pleasant things about the ladies. nov
I shall begin, Fellow citizens"
''But women amt fellow citizens.
should say"
''You'd say, fellow back hair that's
what you'd say. Tn addressing the
people, and they're oil men; don't you
see? I've got to commence somewhere,
and then I go on. Now, Fellow citi-
zens; regarding our women, our origin,
our companions, our posterity, our moth
ers, our wives and our daughters, what
more can we say than that they give us
life, make it happy and soothe its de-
cline? How's that?"
SIS that the same woman?" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke, bending over the
table, cit don't strike me that she
would care to have it put that way.
Why not say: Fellow citizens, we are
assem-,
whats the matter with you?" de.
manded Mr.. Spoopendyke. "Tve got to
open with o sentiment, and you can't
find anything more graceful than that.
Then l will go on: She rises in the
cradle, reaches her meridian at the altar
and goes down in food of dew at the
grave Can you grasp that?"
81 don't like that as well as the other"
demonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke. ''You
make her mother while she's a baby,
and as for the grave part, you don't stop
to think that she may be another merid-
ian by getting married again. I would
say something like this: Fellow citizens,
we are assem-"
"No, I won't either. Who's going to
get married again? Can't you see that
I'm only carrying out the first idea of
origin, companionship and posterity?
Rising in the cradle means giving us
birth. Now you hold up. Suppose I
say next: we revere her as mother,
adore her as wife, and-and, say what
do we do for her as daughter?"
"Well, You might say, we dress her
and educate her, and keep an eye on her
and-and-and-,"
'Spank her! dod CAST it! Spank herl
Why don't you say spank her?" howled
Mr.. Spoopendyke. Cant you think of
something poetical? I've got that we
revere our mothers and adore our wives,
and I want something for the daughter.
Can'tyou originate something's"
I'VE provide home for her. Would
not--?"
eyes, of counsel" raved Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. 'GThat's the ideal That fixes it!
All you want now is two prolonged
daughters four continued applauses'
one enthusiasm and "a voice to be an
Grafton! Fellow citizens, we furnish her
with poached eggs and beans! Fellow
citizens, we revere her as mother, we
adore her as wife, and % daughter we
change the sheets once week. Fellow
citizens. we pass her the gravy! Fellow
citizensp yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke, ges-
ticulating like horse-chestnut tree, Eel
low citizens, if she wants her beef rare,
we give it to her! Fellow citizens, we
give her all the dod gasted butter she
can paste on her bread! Is that what
you want me to say? Expect I'm going
to stand around and make an ass of
myself? Fellow citizens, as mother we
revere her! Fellow citizens, as wife we
adore her! Fellow citizens, to help q
man get up speech she's the dod slam
dest monkey that ever raised family"
shrieked Mr.. Spoopendyke, purple in
the face, ''got any more suggestions?
Know an more eloquence?" and the
worthy gentleman leaned back in his
chair speechless.
Couldn't you leave her out alto
gether?" recommended Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke. "Can't you just revere her as
mother and adore her as wife? AS for the
daughter, you might pass over by say
ing: Fellow citizens, we are assem-"
eyes, or can cut her throat!" pro-
NAS"AAAACa ILL., t1BOOPOl4AJ NO. CetlI IteAo
her to the pound! can salt her down
for winter use Tomorrow night I'll
answer that toast by telling what dod
gasted old mule you'd make of any man
that would listen to you," and Mr..
Spoopendyke banged himself into the
bed like beer spiggot and went to
sleep.
"Well, thought Mrs. Spoopendyke, as
she took down her hair and put it up
again, ri don't see why he couldn't
say: Fellow citizens, we are assembled
here to say something political about
women, and the best can say is, we
show her when we don't always love
her, and we love her when we don't
always show it. That's sensible, and it's
30, sighed Mrs Spoopendyke, falling
over her husbands boots, and then the
good woman opened the window on her
spouse's side of the bed, and sticking
few pins in the pillow in case she should
want them in the night, she went pray
n4.R,,Il,r - e1nn,o D..nn L1at.a Lfx1,To