Connecticut western news., 1881-06-01
WIT AND WISDOM.

Isle of Patt-mus be Ireland.
 THE ancient gerat was equal to cent. So is the modern Limburgher.
 ELEcTR1o1rY in Franklin's time was wonder now we make light of it.
 JAY Gounp didn't buy railroad last week, preferring to spend his money Tn taking his family to @ church fair.- Philadelphia Press.
 "No KISS p', he said, pleasingly, "no kiss from my darling to.nightP" "No," she said, emphatically, "no kiss. I hear that there is humps in your family"
 Ir IS said that Lord Beaconsfeld had strange swiftness in utilizing the best ideas of other people. He ought to have been paragrapher on Chicago paper.
 "You'nn never earn your seit, ia what the artist-tnvcntor Morse said to the young artist Healy and yet he has earned not only salt, but abundance of sugar. '.r.t
 A NEW YORK paper says that in that city crying at weddings has gone out of fashion. In Chicago the father of the bride does the crying when he comes to settle the bills.
 As REGARDS this matter of pensions to government clerks, it seems to us that after man hes been writing for thirty or forty years it's natural that he should be pen-shunner.
 "WE1n," said Blifkins, maiestically, l 1~o &oo py1 tha fellows. suppose was as big fool as any of them when was young" "Yes," replied Fogg, "and you are not an old man now, Blifkins."
 A YOUTH was heard to remark to jolly and fat Teutonian Haven't seen you before2 Your face looks fa- miliar." els dot SOP" said Hans. "When you get so old as me your face will look familiar, too."
 How doth the busy little wife improve springs shining hours, and chuck the carpets out O doors as around the house she SCOUTS. How skillfully she sets the tack upon its head so neat, and wonders whether "hub" will run the darned thing in his feet.
 SPEAKING of the last man who will be left on this earth, rather sentimental South Carolina paper says: "To what can we liken that solitary being between great earth and great sky ?" We'll, you might lken him to lone strawberry between two hunks of shortcake.
 HE CAME into the office and said ''You gee, my brothers are shoemakers, and they mended my shoes. Now, why am like Joseph of biblical historyY We gave it up. "Why, because was soled by my brothers" The inquest on him will be held to-day.-Puck.
 ECONOMICAL husbands should marry Icelandic wives. Their everyday dress consists of thick serge skirt, made without fiounces, and Q yarn jacket, and the outfit lasts dozen years, so that although they make it themselves they have plenty of tune to do their hus- bands sewing.
 THE proper time to run lawn mower is about five o'clock, @. m. Then you not only cut the grass, but prevent the neighbors flom oversleeping and being late to breakfast, and the fact that they hope you'll get your fingers in the ma chine, and have them cut of, doesn't hurt you any.
 WHEN Jay Gould was on the witness stand, the other day, he was asked about an investment and replied: "I invested either $5, ,OOO, 900 or $10, ,000, ,00O, don't remember which," Of course not. It's unreasonable to expect man to remem- Der about such small transaction as that.-Boston Post.
 SURPRISE parties are coming into vogue again. The person to be sur prised issues the invitation through friend, and then has the house splendid ly decorated with flowers and some mag nificent food in the pantry, and every thing in fine shape, so people can see that the hostess has things in fine syle when she doesn't expect company.
 I CAN'T think that all sinners will be lost," said Mrs. Nimbletung. "There's my husband, now. He's 8 bad man, very bad man, but trust he will be saved at last. I believe he has suffered his due share in this hfe." "Amen !! shouted Nimbletung from the back seat. Mrs. N. gave him such look, but said nothing. -...
 SOME people can invent awful mean slurs. When the Jenkins girl was whaling away at the piano and pestered the next door neighbor, the next door neighbor came out on the steps, listened to the noise 6 minute, looked up to the Jenkins girls mother who was at the window, and said: "Got plumbers at work in your house, haven't you ?" No wonder those families don't speak now.
 A WICKLOW magistrate said: "When I was in danger from Kerry bull, sat down and stared him full in the face. "How did it answer?" queried the breathless bystarders. "Excellent. The Kerry didn't offer to touch me-" "Very remarkable, very curious. How do you account for it?' "Well, sometimes I've thought it was because sat down on the top branch of very tall tree," said the magistrate.
 THOMAS was carpenter; but, owing to dullness in trade, he engaged as foot man at the "big hoose" in the village. On the day of his engagement his mis- tress, having lady visitor in the draw ;po roo,,, ropoy fba hall for the fOOtmnr.