Daily Republican., 1881-10-13
LIaHT READING.
Humorous Sketches-Gathered by
our AFduOus News EditOr-Surs
to Drive away the Blues, DC.

| Inc llckeI lllh. coming upon u re-
served picket ofabout thirty men under
command of II captain Of the Second
Michigan Infantry, the General saw
fit to interrogate him as follows:
! Captain in case of an alarm by the
advance pickct what would you do ."
"Send oft I. reinforcement at once"
add it the firing continued ."
81 should move up the remainder Of
my force.
"And suppose Il whole army Of the
enemy should press forward ?''
"Wed whiD fhem."
"But it il was a regiment !'
"l'd form line Of battle and check
them until | sci lack and got order.
to charge and capture thr whol. lot.
swell, suppose n brigade should
move down On you in battle line
ara order a charge, split the co umn
intwo, whip botn halves in detail.
At midnight the brave captain was
relieved from further duty on picket.
He was very indignan: and ronsidera-
bly, puzzled but after thinking the
matter over for a while he sad u a
brother officer:
1
atcaid my company might gobble the
whole Confederate army aud throw
him ont Of Summers joN, i that
amt seishmess then I'd like to know
what is ."
TAKEN TOl GRANTED.
Said the reporter, entering the store
Of Smith, SnithHon * Co., "i under
stand that Mr. Smith is dead, and |
nave come TO get Il few points ipI no.
tice in the Daily Lnbricator." Tie
shopman gives birthplace, os- ami
few other facts. "Was til 3re anything
Of public interest about the dnreased?'
asked the rrp)rt-r. 49," was the re
ply, nothing tha' think OF. IL is
hardly worth mentioning, perhaps,
that Mr.. Smith vas the oldest Mason,
one of the oli -,ina Free Soi!cra, and the
man who first mentioned Genera! Gar
Iield in connection with the PreSAen-
ry." ''Oh, I've Z Al, that down." said
the reporter. "Ne put that in al! our
death notices now; but Is there any.
hing Of special interest" "No. "
q b1i nj )rning, Sir
"A MATTER OF LANGUAGE.
parSon Aminidab R,edsoe, OF the
Austin Blu" Lgh: COlor-d Tabernacle,
has bean attending camp-meeting,
and has come back t:lird with zeal.
Yesterday he undertook to reform Jim
Webster who is given ,n using eXtrava-
rant language. ParsOn Bielsoe said
".Ieens, hit distressed me 20 hear yon
use such supertllous language, "Gway
parSon. said jim, 'de man who ex
cu'rs me OF dat dere am ia bic to get :,
kick what would send him 50 high dat
he would starve 10 drtf before be would
get back, eben if he took ten days ra-
tlOns wld linn.
AFRAID SHE y CATCH COLD.
80 you love ,he!" 'Yrs, sAe answer.
ed, better than anything else in the
world. us Il b"auVtul night tor Il
moonlight drive \ moonlight Il rive
would cost at least tire" dollars, and ~
he agitarrd Il cents in his rignt trousers
pocket he Surveyed the lunar orb with
a knowing gaze, ani remarked: "
should be SO happy to take YOU, bot its
a wet moon, and you know you are 81
liable to catch cold, dear" The ueXt
the Disappointed maiden ob-
served to her uintneT: "Ghar4ey and
have unit. lie kno SS a heap about the
weather, but he's perfect iguoramus
about me.
WHAT MAKES a NNWarArEE.
The clemens that serve to make j
newspaper popular are very much d.
versitied. A man VITA very short hair,
VINO had evidently jus, been pardoned
out of the penitrntiary, came into the
Siftings sanClHm yesterday and sub
scribed. He said he ,ihcd the paper
very much, that he used TO ge: it when
he was in the peniten'iary. "What |
peculiar feature of it do you the like
lnost?" asked one of the Sliters. 81
like your pitching into the Legislature.
I've got brother who brought dis. |
grace on the family by belonging to it
I've never had any use for him since
then"
THE ENGLISH PEOPLE
do not understand the American Ian |
suage. 1t is reported from London
that q merchant who had heard of the |
water by commnrcial"drLmmer,, took
the word at the litera! sense, aHu hired |
a man to beat a big drum for tue pur,
pose Of attracting customers. HIS busi-
ness rivals have copied his method OF
and the practice is spread.
Jog, The British "drumm =, " VIII
)wes his invention to so funny mis-.
lake, does not wear dimonds and occupy
Two seats in II railway-car Dut uc l.,
voted a nuisance, nevertheless.
GAVE HIMSELF AWAY.
We heard yesterday how all Augusta
nan gave himself away" the worst
Iiud in Norfolk the oiher dav. Hell
vent to the point Oh an excursion and
,ut up at one OF the tirst.class hotels.
i'he clerk gave his baggage and the
Key of his room to a porter, " no conduc.
ed the Augusta gentleman to the ele-
'alor. Closing the door they began to
lscend, uuporceived by the traveller.
le eyed the four walls of the elevator
) uoment ami exclaimed, "Take my
baggage back to the ohce, you can't
,ut me OIL in little room like this g."
AN AMERICAN FROM CORK.
Patrick responded to an advertise.
nent of Gan American wanted AS
oachman. Are you an Americaro'
sked the gentleman. "Ol am, sur"
answered Patrick. "Where were You
'orn?" "In Oireland, sur, County
jorS." 'County Cork, eh p" mused
he gen .leulan; "how is il that You are
II American when you were born il.
reland?" "Faix, sur" said Patrick
Pm bothered leelle about that same ,
lesili, sur" 5
UTTERLY SAlNTLIKE.
Bos on Lady Bountiful fell iuto &C. t
tasle, about the lovely, saiutlike ex. !
resslon of IA boy who formed one of the 0
uor chiidTen's excursion to Waldeu's 4
ond. but her feelings sustained a cruel e
mock wNen this Ching of beauty" was
card to txclaim when the sandwiches
,ere dealt out: "How in the devil do
lese ladies' expect a tell'r tv eat sand.
'iches without luustard?"
Young Maloney de Smith who exter- b