The Portland daily press., 1881-01-14
[ Brooklyn Eagie.l
The Difficulties Of a Witness.

"You must get round pretty early in the
moraing,' my dear, - said Mr.. spoopendyke,
"because L IN going to be witness in court"
Good graciousl' calculated Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, what have you been doing?"
"What dye suppose I've been doing? I've
heard some things in law case, and I've got
to swear to them. You can't have a law case
without witnesses, and I've got to be one to-
morrow; so you hustle out in the morning and
get my breakfast"
'They can't do any hing to you, can they?"
inquired Mrs. Spoopendyke, nervously.
"1f amt there in time they can send me to
JAIL responded Mr.. Spoopendyke ominousy,
"and you'd better get me ready in time if you
don't want to lose me-" and Mr.. Spoopendyke
Topped into bed and went to sleep.
Mrs. Spoopendyke turned the clock ahead
two hours, arranged her hair, and sat down to
speculate on the chances of waking up at the
right moment. AT first she concluded to stay
up all night, but she began to get sleepy, and
rejecting that if she fixed her mind on the
hour she wanted to rise she'd be sure to wake
up she went to bed and to sleep simultane-
ously.
AT half-past four she reused up with a terri.
fed start.
"Wake up, my dear!" she exclaimed, to her
husband. you've got to go a-witnessng in
case this morning. Hurry up, or they'll put
you in JAIL
"Wah!" reioined Mr. Spoopendyke "What
did the heed get mixed there whirlpool h!"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke was sound asleep
again.
rats ~, NJ
said Mrs. Spoopendyke, firmly. "You know
something about law court and you must
wake up right off,
whats the NATTER" propounded Mr..
Spoopendyke, sitting up and glaring around
him. "What day of the month is this? Who
called Spoopenkyke? / amt slept wink"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke fell back on his pillow.
'You know you must go to the case,'' con-
tinued Mrs. Spoopendyke. you've been APP
pointed witness and you must go and swear
about it, Wake up or they will arrest YOU"
"What case?" demanded Mr.. Spoopendyke
"Who's arrested? Can't you let a man alone
just as he's getting in a doze? What's the
matter with you, anyway"
you wanted to get up early about some
court. Come, get up now. or they'll send you
to jail, and Mrs. Spoopendyke got up and
lighted the gas, and began dropping on her
skirts
"Who's going to court?" asked Mr. Spoop-
endyke, sitting up in bed. where's the
court? Think any court wants me at five
O'Clock in the morning."
"It's about law case" said Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke cheerfully. You know you are wit
ness. To think that 1 should ever live to be
the wife of a Witness" and Mrs Spoopendyke,
firmly impressed that it something in the
nature OF foreign mission, gazed adniringly
Up ON her husband.
bod CAST the law case,' howled Mr. Spoop-
endgke, now thoroughly mad. "D'ye think a
law case goes prowling round all night like
policeman? Got an idea that judge is going
to strap the court house ON his back and fetch
it up here at daylight to try law case?''
but you said you wanted to get up early"
reasoned Mrs. Spoopendyke, "and it's pretty
early now"
"D'ye think wanted to get up at midnight
TO practice?'' propounded Mr. Spoopendyke
"Think law case is like church sociabe,
the first man there gets the best supper. Pr@p's
you were afraid il | didn't start early |
wouldn't get seat. The measly court don't
meet till ten o'clock, dod CAST i'll and here you
wake me up at fourl What dye s'pose wit
ness is, anyhow" shouted Mr.. Spoopendyke,
getting madden and madden. think he's q
dark lantern, and goes around with his side
turned and the smoke coming out of the top?
Dye know what a court is?''
why, yes," SAID Mrs. Spooperdyke, "a
court is place where they hang people. Mrs.
Meierhoff-
That's it! You struck it, first clip!'' sput-
tered Mr.. Spoopendyke. with that informa-
lon, all you want is plug hat and an adj
lourument to be lawyer. Ii had your in
telllgence and a bald head, I'd hire out for a
judge at board wages. 1 tell ye, a court is
where they try cases about lands, and licking
people, and contracts, and-aud-and divorce
cases. Yes, indeed continued Mr.. Spoop.
endyke, solemnly, "they try divorce cases about
women waking their husbands up in the dead
of night"
''What kind of a law case are you going to
witness?" inquired Mrs Spoopendyke.
"a daylight easel You understand that?
AT ten O'Clock and not five. Got that through
your head? Think you can remember ten
O'Clock? If you can't, can you remember
eleven or noon?'
'Do they have cases every hour?" queried
Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"Of course they do They leave every tif-
teen minutes, like a ferry boat, and if 1 can't
catch one case I'll witness in another. Got it
now? Only they don't run as often from mid
night to six; Begin to see into it?'
81 think do" said Mrs. Spoopendyke ru-
minating. 81 was thinking that if one started
about three o'clock, I'd go and witness with
you.''
"Oh! you'd make witness!" proclaimed
Mr.. Spoopendyke: with your capacity for
observation and ability to recollect, you'd only
want to appear twice to absorb the whole wit
ness business" and with this reflection Mr.
Spoopendyke went back to his slumbers.
AT ten O'Clock his wife called him and mott
fed him of the hour.
"How'm l going to get there in time?" he
howled. "Why didn't you call me before?
want me sent to State prison for contempt?
Want to get rid of me- don't you?" and Mr..
Spoopendyke darted into his clothes.
Don't you want some breakfast my dear?"
inquired Mrs. Spoopendyke tenderly.
mo, don't want any measly breakfast"
he shouted. Didn't tell you I was wit
ness at ten, and now its half past. Think
man is appointed witness during good be-
haviour? S'pose 1 hold the office till my
successor is appointed?" and Mr.. Spoopendyke
plunged down stairs and out of the house
81 only did what he told me to-" sighed Mrs
Spoopendyke, welting piece of court plaster
and patching up hole in her silk dress.
Though don't see any use of a man being
witness, if he can't be a witness when he
wants to. If / were man," she continued,
as she tionped down on the floor to change her
boots, I'D get appointed by the President,
and then L could attend to business or not, as L
liked" with which sage reflection Mrs. Spoo-
pendy Ike pulled out her husbands socks and
began to sew wens three inches in diameter on
the heels.