Connecticut western news., 1881-03-09
WIT AND WISDOM.

THE decline in eggs is attributed to the fact that hens are shelling out more freely ,
 "I'vE just got out of a bad scrape," as the man said when he came out of fve-cent barber shop. ,
 Ir IS the quaint Butler who says that an opinionated man is. generally as ob- .stinate as a wooden leg without joints, there is no bend in him.
 s.THE first time Yankee oyster went down my throat" exclaimed Lord Bea- oons6eld, II felt just as if I had swal- lowed the Declaration of Independence.P ?
 "TAKE, back the love thou gavst me-" she sang. It was a love of bonnet, but didn't match her complex ion, and she wanted him to exchange it for one that did.
 A PROMINENT lumber man in Burling- ton has had his coat of arms painted on the panels of his carriage, with the Latin motto "Vidi." Which by inter pretation is "I saw"
 THE man who is accused uniustly can afford to maintain silence, but the man who is justly accused must make as great a bother as possible in order to throw people off the track. :
 WE hear great deal about men mar rying their deceased wives sisters, but not so much about women marrying their deceased husbands brothers. One brother is commonly enough.
 "THERE p said Mrs. Ragbag, "I've tried four times to give that shirt away, and it's so worthless nobody'H take it. But I'll get rid of it I'll leave it out on the cloth es line tonight"
 WHAT is more disagreeable than the pedant who uses big words to express small ideas? Colton says pedantry crams our heads with learned lumber and takes out our brains to make room for it.
 THE Nevada State prison has twelve cooks among its 151 convicts, which the Virginia City Chronicle calls Ga sad verifcation of the old saying that the Lord sends victuals, but the devil sends cooks.'"
 PERCENTAGES, you say, discovered specific gravity on getting into his bath why had the principle never be- fore occurred to him ?" "Probably this was the first time he ever took bath"
 IT IS an old and true saying that op- portunity has hair in front, but is bald behind. If you catch her by the fore lock you can hold her, but if you wait till she gets by your hand slips and she is gone. -.=-e
 Ir would save great deal of trouble and endless mistake, says a London paper, if men had their names embla- zoned on their shirt fronts, and ladies theirs embroidered on the bosoms of their dresses.
 AN exchange tells of young lady who, six months after @ happy mar riage, on being asked if she was much troubled with cold feet, simpered hesi- tatlngly, and with ingenious simplicity replied: "Ye-yes; :; but they're not my own."
 HE WAS making call, and they were talking of literature. "The Pilgrims Progress" she remarked, "always seems to me painful. Of course you are familiar with Bunyan ?" He said he had one on each foot, and they bothered him good deal.
 THE canary had begun to twitter @ little after moulting, but was unable to sing her entire tune. The little four year-old, after listening to one of the birds vain attempts to master his tune, said very composedly, " Mamma, birdie only sang half verse;"
 GEORGE WASHINGTON has had another birthday, and still he can look down, with tears in his eyes, at his unfinished monument, and wish it was an obelisk in some foreign land, for then it might arouse enough patriotism in the Ameri can breast to get it completed.
 "Now, SUSAN, my boots. Do hurry with them I am sure have called fo1 them dozen times" ''Yes, m; in 6 minute, m. heard you and I thought, to save you time and trouble, To button them for you before you put them on."
 "DoN'T waste your time in clipping off the branches" said the woodman te his son, "but lay your ax at the root O the tree." And the young man wen out and laid his ax at the foot of tht tree, like good and dutiful boy, anG
 then went fishing. Truly, there Ii
 nothing so beautiful as flial obedience
 A CERTAIN lawyer always began hi
 examination of a witness by saying
 "I'm going to put question to you and I don't care how you answer 1t. The habit was so strong that one da. he met very dear friend, and said "I'm going to put question to you
 and don't care how you answer It How do you do 9"
 A HUDSON citizen said to the younl man who visited his daughter that h couldn't afford to have so much WOO burned in the parlor stove evenings the young man must come less often o quit earlier, or furnish his own wood Next day two cords of nice hard woo were purchased by the young man an piled in the citizens yard, with bi
 sign over the pile reading, "For us nights only" That young man near business.
 v A GALVESTON man went to the docto , and told him: 'tDoctor, there is some