davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
an You ?

Can you tell why men who cannot
pay small bills can always fl ID money
TO buy liquor and treat when among
friends?
Can any one tell how young men
Who are always behind with their land
lords can play billiards. night aud day,
and always be ready for game Of cards
when money is al stake'
Cab any one tell how men 1--we and
support their families, who have no in-
come and no work, when Others, who
are industrious, are half starved?
Can any one tell why four-iilhs Vf
the young ladies prefer brainless fop,
under plug hat, with tight pants and
short coat, to man with brains?
Can any one tell why ii is that some
mothers are always reacy to sew Tor
the distant heather when their own
children are ragged and dirty?
Can any one tell why a man who Is
always complaining that he cam OIL
afford 10 subscribe Tor the local news
paper, and every day boroWs it from
his neighbor, can afford 10 attend every
how that comes 10 town.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
Josh Billings Wisdom

The man who gets bit twice BY the
same dog is better adapted for that kind
Of business than any other.
There is great deal tf religion in
this world that is like a lfe preseryer,
only put on at the moment Of imme-
date danger, and tLen half the time put
on hind side before.
Experience is a school where man
io...ns what big tool he has been.
The man who doesn't believe 10 any
hereafter has got dreadfully mean
opinion of himself and bis chances.
There are two kinds at fools in this
world-those who can't change their
opinions and those who won't.
A good doctor Is a gentleman to
whom we pay three dollars a visit iol
advising US TO eGt less and exercise
more,
The world is filling up with educated
fools-mankind read too much and learu
too little,
Every man has his follies and often
times they are the most interesting
things be has cot.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
Trnducing Themselves

Ben .Jonson, in reference TO the state
ment that whatever Shakespeare
nenned he never blotted out line, re-
plie.: L would he had blotted out
thousand
D, ,ydep lenounces the 'lameness OF
of the plots, made up Of some rdicu-
lou.. incoherent story declares that
Shake pcare writes in many places
below the dullest writer's OF our or anv
nreceding age and AYERS that tue
reader will find in every page either
some solecsm of speech or some nsto-
rious hlw in sense
DR.. Hopkins, a renowned New
England preacher, profesaed that be
could 6nd 40 attraction iu either Milton
or Shakespeare.
Samuel Pepy. accounted The play oil
Romeo and juliet the worst that he
ever hearI; 'OthellO' "A mean thing
aud A Midsummer Nights Dream
the most inspid, ridiculous play that l
ever sas 10 my life.
Lord shaftesbury speaks Of Shake
,peare's rude, unpublished style and
anliuuated phrase aud witt
George II. once said: 4 hear great
deal OF Shakespeare but | cannot read
him. he is such bombast fellow
Hume defines Shapsspeare as a dis
proportioned anl msshapen giant
incapable Of furnishing proper enter
,,inment 10 a refined or intelligent
audisuce.'
voltare pronslncsd Hamlet sc
gross and barbarous a pi ce that II
would rot be endured by the viles'
population in Frlncc d I aly.'
George III. remarked: Was there
ever such stuff as Shakespeare? Onll
one must no: say -. But what thin!
Won? What? Is there not sad stun
What? what?
Even Byron di,plrsIes the bard o
Avon, thinks hia plays will have thti
decline rauks Pope above hin, an'
excaims to hl' 81 Ind. Tn M,)rt
swell. If erell Trm d'l'' you thi X
Shakespeare va -om4s,ieg ofa hum
bg!r
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

CHILDHooD.-Children are but little
people. yet they form an important part
f society, expend much Ofour capital,
employ a greater portion Of our popuIa-
liou Ia their service. and occupy hall
The lterati Of our day IN labors tor their
instruction and amusement. They
cause more trouble and anxiety than
the national debt the loveliest oi
women in her maturity Of charms,
breaks not so many slumbers, nor os'
casions so many sighs, as she did in
her cradle; and the handsonest Of men
with full grown musIaches, must moi
hatter himself that he is half so much
admired as he was when in pettlcoats'
Without any reference to their being
our future statesmen, philosophers ant
magistrates, in immature disguise,
children form, IN their present state oi
pigmy existence, a most Influential
class OF beings aud the arrival OF q
bawliug infant who can scarcely oper
hIs @, es, and only cpeus It's mouth
like an uneedged bird, tor food, vii
effect the most extraordinary altera
ton n whole household; substitute
affectloa for coldness, duty for di'sips
ion, cheerfulness for gravity, hustle to-
.ormality, aud unite hearts which time
has divided.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
What the Telegraph May Do

While many people are looking for.
ward to great disasters and a possible
destruction Of the human race durIu d,
he period from 1881 10 1885 II ma
iot be out OF place, says the Hlustratea
Cosmos, 10 meDtion one source Ot
LANCER not thus far recognized. VS.
would not offer il as embodying all ot
modera wisdom, nor as crystalllsin;
the modus Of prophecy. Yet as 4
cnlioslty in theories it will take rank.
We all suppose that polarity depends
upon a currest Of electricity passingsE
right angles to The direction Of Lhs
poles. The polarity Of the earth I,
imposed 10 depend upon The electric Or
neat curreni Of the sun; aud it is high-
IS probable that The earth's incllna ion
10 the ecliptic is governed by its POLAR
Ity. If, therefore, there were instantly
established sufficient electrical connec.
tiOn by wires arouAd the earth, with
The earth sell, 10 instantly equslizs
The current and produce complete re-
ducliou Of all electrical excitement,
What would be the effect on the pslsf-
ity, and secondly. On the inclination
to The eciiplic? May there not be
sudden change Of polarilies-the Arctic
region becoming equatorial. aud the
tropics suddesly cbasged 10 polar
1, mp, rature The sudden melting OF
the vast fields would produce another
glacial food; the present race would
disappear, and man Of the quarIenarf
would begin lite over again at The anti
podes. All this 10 to be accomplished
by the continuation Of complete circuits
for telegraphi6g around the globe. Cs
course tremeDduous earthquakes would
follow, as the polar diameter is twenty.
SIX miles too short and the equatorial
twenly-.ix miles too long.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
Great Men and Little Things

Sir Philip Francis once waited upon
Burke, by appointment, to read over tC
him some papers representing Mr.
Hastings delinquencies. He called ou
Mr. Burke 10 Lis way to the house tc
dine. He found lin in his garden,
holding a grasshopper.
What beautiful animal Is this =
said Mr.. Burke. Observe its strut.
ture, its legs, its wings, its eyes,
How can you said Sir Philip, lose
your time in adniring such an animal,
when you have so many objects of real
moment to attend TOP
'Yet Socrates SAID Mr.. Burke, 'ac.
cording 10 the exhibition Of him in
Aristophanes, attended TO a much less
animal; he actually measured the pro
portion which It's s ze bore TO the space
It passed over in its skip. think the
skip OF grasshOpprr does not exceed
its length; let me see.'
Ny dear friend said Sir Frarcis.
1 am in great hurry; let US walk in.
and let me read my papers to you
Into the house they walked; Sir
Philip began TO read, aud Mr.. Burke
appeared to listen. At length, Sir
Philip having misplaced q paper, a
pause ensued.
1 think, said Mr.. Burke, That ma
turalIsts are DOW agreed, that loeust0.
not cicadd. Is the Latin word for grass
hopper. What is your opinion, Sir
Philip?'
My opinion, said Sir Philip, packing
up bis papers, and preparing 10 move
of, is, that TIL the erasshopperls out
of your head, it will be idle 10 talk TO
you OF the concerns Of India
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
Death OF an Old Veteran.

The old man is dying. He had been
man Of might in his young day, when
he fought the indians and Mexicans, bnt
Ihe present generation had gone By and
left him standed on the shores Of tune,
poor and forgotten. Around his h.
we're gathered a few old friends. His
TWO sons, men with gray besrds, iwel
on in years, we're there at mis- bedside,
while his aged companion through many
long years of hardship, wrung bis cold
sliffening fingers in mute agony. One
Of the sons leaned over, and asked IL
eager. heartrenang tones,
Father, don't you know me''
Alas! the old veteran had taken HE
last farewell Of his loved sRes. His
thoughts. if any he had, were with the
dead, and not with the living A startled
change came over his wrlnkled features.
His forehead became knotted as with
suppressed rage, the dim eyes lighted up
with tiger-like fury, the lines about
the mouth were as ifchiseled 10 granite,
and through the c.enched teeth came the
hosrse whisper,
Remember the Alamo!
Several Of those about the bed'ide
nodded and the whisper went around,
lie is charging the Mexicans at San
.Iacinto.'
But it was only moment, and Ghe
fierce expression gave way to one OF un'
ulterabe tenderness. Like sudden
CLEAN of sunshine on some ancient ruin,
smile played over the Wealher-beaten
features, the lips parted, and those only
nearest him heard him whisper,
Come, little May; come TO your own
papa
The sons exchanged quick Glances but
said nothing. For more than forty
years that name had never passed biz
lips. She was the only daughter and
his pride. He never fOrgaye her, aHC
when she sent him word she was dying.
and wandte to see him once more before
she crossed the dark river, he set BIZ
| face As a flint, and never went near he
but he certainly sees her now. Fo
look! the pale lips move-once more
that smile Of unutterable tenderness, al
he whispers,
Come. little girl, get your hat ant
we will gs out and see the pretty flowers
and The BIRDS
The grorp Of watchers bent over the
old man to latch any other message be
might lave from the spirii-land. A looS
If great WEAKNESS comes over the table
of his thonght. The old mans thoughts
take another stcp backward. He Is NJ
longer in lis second childhood, hut il
his first childhood, Tor he stretches ou
his arms like a tired child, aud says,
'Muzzer, l am so tired. Please pu
me TO sleep in your arms aud the
watchers saw FIR themselves that hi:
kid old mother, the mother ofus all
had taken up her tired child, and be was
fast asleep in her arms.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
Elephant Dentistry.

One Of The Indian elephants some
time since had the misfortune 10 wrench
off a portion of lis trunk which bad got
caught in moose ofrOpe and the larg'
esI African specimen. whose huge pro-
portions are well-known to the fee-
quentsrs OF The gardens, met with al
accident by which its tusks were broken
off; the stumps subsequently grew into
The cheeks, cau.i0g il excrucating
pain. and neccsslat'ng an immediate
remedy. The intrepid superintendent
undertook to perform the delicate OPP
Grafton aud rellevethe poor beast,
Having prepared a gigantic hook
shaped lancet, be bandaged the crea-
ture's eyes. and proceeded to bis task.
twas an anxious moment. for there
was absolutely nothing to prevent the
animal killing his medical attendants
upon the spot, and TO rely upon the
common sense and good-naiure Of a
creature weighing many tons and snif-
erlng from f,cial abscesses aud neural
gia, argues, to say the least Ct it, the
possession Of considerable nerve. But
Mr.. Bartlett did not hesitate, and
climbing up within reach Of his patient
lie lanced the swollen cheek. His
courage was rewarded, for the beast at
once perceived that the proceedings
were Tor lis good, aud submitted quiet.
ly. The next morning when they
came u operate upOl the other side
The elephat turned his cheek Without
being bIdden, and endured the second
iucision without groan.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
Neuralgia as u "Warning

The great prevalence of ''neuralgia" "
or What commonly goes by that name
should be regarded as warning indi-
catiye OF a low condition OF health,
which must necessarily render those
who are affected with this painful ma
lady especially susceptible TO the inya-
sion Of diseases Ofan aggressive type
This is the season at which It is par
uculary desirable to be strong aud well
furnished With the sorl OF strength that
affords a natural protection against
disease. There Will presently be need
of all the internal heat which the organ
ism can command. and good store o.;
fat for use As fuel is not to be despised.
Ils no less essential that the vital
forces should be vigorous. aud the
nerve power. especially, IN full devel-
oomsnt. Neuralgia indicates los or
depressed state Of vitality, aud nothing
so rapidly eIhausts the system as pair
that prevents sleep and asoniz's both
body and mind. Il il, therefore, OF the
first moment that attacks OF this aKec-
ton, incidental TO aud indicative Of
weak state. should be promptly placeS
ander treatment anda as rapidly as may
be controlled. Itis worth while Il
note this fact because, while the spir
of manliness invie es the "stroog
minded" to patient endurance OF sun
erinr, it il not wise to sufsr the dis
tress caused by this malady, as many
are now suffering it, without seekln'
relief. fcrgolful Of the condition 1t be
speaks, and the constitutional danger @
which II Il a sign.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

1t was 10 the smoking room OF al
Atlantic steamer that a worthy Teuton
vas recently talking about weather
forecasts. 'Look here, said he. 4 dell
You vat it is. You peter don't take
no shtock in dem weather PREDICTIONS.
Dose beosle don't know noding. 'Dey
can't dell no better as / can.' But.
mi dear SIR, said a person present,
they fJretold the storm which We have
lust encountered Ven, dat ish 40,
sad the Teuton, contemplatively bu'
| dell you Vat II is. Dat shtorm would
have come yust de same If il bad MOI
been bredicted.'
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

seen. His large violet eyes were like
other eyes she had seen before. biz
mouth, the dimple in tie chin, the
turn of the head
She gazed on him a moment, like one
in a trance, thea started.
Heavens, boy what is your name?
she cried. who are yous'
+. NY name is Phil Philips he an
answered, with smile that went to
the heart, with voice that set hel
trembling. L don't know who 1 am.
| was picked up at sea when wac
three years old
But this man, this John Slade. says
he knew you at that time she exclaim.
ed starting, up. And he has been
away only year.
'Y,s,' said the boy, looking with
wonder to see the lady so agitated; III
came to see me in America, and took
me TO Calcutta with him, and he ha'
heen good to ME. He told me that my
father was dead, but my mother was
alive, and that my name was Phllip'
but oud not tell me what else. He
said that You knew who my mother Is.
[ want to find my MOTHER the boy
added. iremuously. Il don't like &C.
ing about the world sO.'
What explanation could be made she
knew not. But with mothers lntui-
ton she knew her long lost child. She
clssped him in her arms. She kissed
md questioned him she listened to Il
r. cilal of all his recolleclions, and with
every word her assurances grew strong
er. His faint recolleclions OF the great
house, the pony carriage, of many a
little incident which she herselfrecalled
all we're confirmation strong as proofs
OF Holy Wit.
The next morning Mr.. Vernon called
to see Mrs. Beaufort, and before he had
been with her fifteen minutes they were
engaged
Oh. my dearest, my most true and
ii,interesled friend! she suddenly
broke forth L have such news 10 tell
YOU; l can keep II no lcnger. Say ouce
again that YOU love and choose me-
poor and alone
She leaned on his arm, and looked
with beautiful, fearful eyes into his
face.
1 choose you so, my love be said
Il want nothing with you
She leaned a moment on his shoul-
Ter. then gently disengaged herself
from his embrace, aud gong to the
door an inner room, opened it, and
beckoned to ne one there.
A boy seven or eight years of age ran
10 catch and kiss her land. She led
him to the vicar.
1t is my little Philip come back from
the dead she said, aud ask YOU to
leave The vicarage tor the manor.
No matter about proofs. They were
not wanting. and they were convlnc-
ing. The Beauforts would own TO
oothing-they ouly gave up and wen
out OF the usurped Inheritance. But
the servant, John Slads, charged the
proprietor with haviog withheld from
Mrs. Beau ort the advertisement which
described the child tlat had been pick
ed up at sea.
we I'D not believe that it was the
child,' they said, aud we thought II
would only agilale Alice unnecessarily.
L. was a lame excuse, but the besi
they had.
So Mr.. Beaufort went back to thu
sreat house, proudly leading her son
aud all the people bowed down to he
and congramla ed her, Of course. And
when the clergyman, NJ. Vernon let
the pars 9na-e to marry her, more thar
enc noble gentleman cursed his owl
s,upid.ty. in not having f,llen 10 love
with the widow while there was
chance.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

There is occasionally a woman wh"
has such q coutrolable temper that
wnen man steps on the train OF her
dress, she can smile sseetly aud say.
'Oh. don't mind il. There Is no harm
done. Pray doa't apologize. II is all
right. Very awkward! Oh, no"
Such a woman IS a lirst-class accom-
plished hypocrite.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

A Galveston man " went 10 the doctor
and told HIM. Doctor, there Is some
thing the matter With my brain. After
any severe mental exerIious | have a
headache. What is the remedy for il'
Tie best remedy is 10 get yourself
elected to the legislature, where you
s,ll have 10 occasion to !hink.' The
patient replied If it wasn't for the sake
Of his children would make the AK
nerimcnt. All aidu't want them to &c
through life with a stigma attached to
their names.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

BE FINN Never knosk under.
Neverl Always rally your forces Tor a
more desperate assault upon adIerslly'
If c dummy assails you, and tie world
as 1t is apt TO do in such cases-take'
part ailh your traducers, don'L turn
moody or misantlropic, or worse still,
seek 10 drown your unnappiness in dis
slpatiou. Bide your Time. DisproTe
The slander you can, it not i've IL
down. II poverty comes upon you ike
thief iu the night, what thenS Let
it rouse you as the presence OF the real
thief would do, to energetic action. No
matter how deep you have gone into
hot water-always provided you did not
help the father of lies to heat it--your
case. If you are Of the right kind oi stnti
"a moi desperate. nor IS il IN accord with
the divine order aud sweep ot things
that life should have any dltn;ulHes
with which an homes determined man'
with hesyeu's help, cannot surmount.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

A gentle uan was complaining on
'Chauge yesterday that be had invested
a rather large sum Of money In Wal
street and lost IL all. A sympathizins
TREND asked him if he had been a bull
or bear TO winch he replied: Neither
Twas jackass.' a.o'r p a., /
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

Liiile six-year-old was taking hls INST
lesson in addition, when the teacher
,,ked him. ,lf / were 20 giSe you two
...,ts nnd ano,l,-r Liee lady gave ynu
". m"rr. how many cat. would yo'
pav ? lie quickly replied, Why. pref
IS soon | wouldn't have any, for my
mamma would break their necks viii
lhr broom. ; 'e den'tlke cats,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

what good deed have you done to-
d,y. JohnnaJ? sald benevolent. faith :
to his heir. L gave poor little boy IL
cent, papa was the good child's ar
swer. 'Ah, that Was right, aud VIII, ,
my son, did you give hi o the cen.'' 4
gave it TO him. dear papa, fora a goo
three-eent stamp that he thought Was
only a piece Of green paper '' ~,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

circumstances alter cases: Yes,
said the young lady, who was going
sleigh riding, to her maid, II WILL pot
on leggings aud my thick oversLos {. |
don't care about my cardiaal hose.
Mr.. Grf is a careful driver, He never
upsels." !
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

Teacher: Did | not tell you TO be
prepared with your history lesson Aud
here YOU are unable to repeat word OF
it, ScholIr: 4 dldn't think 1t was
necessary, sir, I've always heard that
history repeats itself.'
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
P O EIIC AL
ONLY.


"-.t ONLY.
Only baby,
Kissed aud cAressed.
Gently held to mothers breast.
Only child,
Toadlirg alone,
Frightening nov its happy home.
Only . boy,
TrutHibe to school,
Governed now by . stsrnsr rule.
Osly - youth,
Living In dre'ns
Full ef piomise-lfe now SEEMS
onlys msn.
Battling with life,
Shared IN now By loving wife.
B Only a father.
Burdsnsd With care.
silver threads in dsrk-brovn hair.
only grsybs.rd,
ToddlinG tEain,
90 Growing old and full ofpAiu.
Only . mound,
oerSrowu with erass,
Dr~ns unrealissd-rsst at last.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

lie was only four years old, but he
said, Papa, have you done anything
down town to-day that You thiak l
ought to whip YOU for If l we're as big a.
you are!'
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

Opportunity has hair in front behind
she is bald. Il you seizs her by the
torelock, you may hold her; but, ifsus-
tered to escape. not Jupiter himself can
catch her again.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

Never add rcss your conversation to a
person engaged in footing up column
Of figures. There's nothing so deaf as
an adder.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

Tic long gloves that are ~oru vi
ont buttons have crowded The bracelets
~ above Tie elbow.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

One Boston street. car conductor ssks
his passengers to shave the audaeisyts
move up fcr'ard' when he wants 10
crowd o few more fares Ia: "a ''~
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

n n A"- SURGEON b DENTIST.
VA rs,,acttuIlv irforx n the public tAaths
AAs opened once in
STRAsBURG, VIRGINIA
one door east Of Post oncs. WIN b IN Once ~
Sridsv and saturday Of each week. -.,. 81,
@snscisI attention paid 70 piessryvsioa OF
,,,urai teeth. Dsntifrices can b hse on ppP,s spPns
sssiop Would recommend H. DoNS' ~-'-
wash, Winchester "a
June Eff.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30

ID S. RIDDELLE. M. D.
Graduate Of oeorsetown Asa. @ ~ Sn,rvr,,:, rwrso:.
=, r1sc,ic,pS medicine, VAL be prepared 70 AZ
swsr promptly all cais. ..-..,,. n. ceur,
bouse Yriv An
Or. g. irwin.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
NoTARIEs PUBLIC
JUSTICES OF THE rEAcx.

D.~,. nrs--pr. q. A. Brown, obsd Fu1f sad
sros:S.In%j. 's,; p H. ar1Ain. EncSnsl, sne~dsu
whitaker. ~ u.v4t, strieflsr.
Levi II. Culler'. c..S.u s.-.. !.
Cormsr, samuel RinkSr. ,..oh
G,E1r.-ssrnl Hsmmsn, Samuel Ansfe'' 'se''
n izxaalMc,r,,s,.n zalss Shirley. D.R. Ezhi', 'sAn n
Pence.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1881-03-30
CONsTABLKs.

..A
.. q, arAhfn, "0'N'
scuooL TRUSTEES.
49,, .,v,,sn whus, Jne.
DAVis'-o' ~ S'
snarr. ~. no,I d. r. SpiksF, Jacob
stoSx"AIh'''
s.o.s yoss'o''-- o. '- ,,r..
CsHpeeh - S. 7. Nysrs. oon