Connecticut western news., 1881-09-14
WIT AND WISDOM.

IT is the clean table. cloth that catches the early grease spot.
 A FRENoHMAN says that the soul of wine is at its top. It must he 8 cork soul.
 IT is curious anomaly that some people talk all their lives and never say anything
 THE prize fighter peels before he strikes, but the bell does not peal until 1t is struck.
 IT is possible for @ man to have all the five senses in full operation and yet have no sense at all.
 WHEN a cat gives an entertainment from the top of wall it isn't the cat we object to. It's the waul.
 THERE is an alarming increase in the number of those who, like tallow can dies, smoke when they go out.
 A BASS weighing twenty-nine pounds was captured near Portsmouth the other day. Perhaps it was double bass.
 "Go to the ant, thou sluggard, is all very we'll 1; but if the sluggard will go to picnic, the ant will come to him.
 PATRICK on the zebra" Phat kind of haste is that-the mule wid his ribs on the outside of his shkin entirely"
 GIVE even an angel a bad naaie and the simplest of us can see the evil ex- pression of his face, whether it is there or not.
 BE simple, says the proverb. There are people, however, who put on more airs than you could grind out of hand organ.
 THERE isn't any fairness in this life. If woman wears scant bathing dress she is accused of making show of her. self, and if she wears an ample one she is said to be trying to hide bad figure.
 A YOUNG lady who is doing the Alps reports progress to her guardian !: "I tried to climb the Matterhorn didn't reach the top. It's absnrdly high every thing is high in this country. Please send me some money"
 SADI says poetically that God gives sleep to the bad in order that the good may be undisturbed. Plain prose, how ever, teaches us that sleep is given to the good in order that they may not know that burglar is in the house.
 AN old-fashioned minister passing @ new fashioned church, on which @ spire was going up, was asked how much higher it was going to be. "Not much," he answered ''that congregation don't own much higher in that direction"
 SAID the night watchman, when about dusk he was invited to drink cup of coffee, "No, thank you. Coffee keeps me awake all night" And then he saw his blunder and looked very embar- rassed and tried to explain it. But it
 was no use.
 WHEN, according to the new version, St. Paul says, But the greatest of these is love-" if he had explained that he meant elf.love, he would have rounded out the sentence in such way that most of us could understand and appreciate it.
 MooDY is a shrewd man at answering questions. "What do you think of the present system of training in our theo- logical seminaries ?" asked somebody at one of his meetings. "I have no opin- ion about it." was the sensible reply.
 "I never went through theological seminary, and never talk about any thing know nothing about" A GENTLEMAN met an "uncerta1n ac- quaintance who said: "Pm a little short, and should like to ask you conundrum in mental arithmetic. "Proceed," returned the gentleman. "Well, "said the short" man, "sup- pose you had ten dollars in your pocket, and l should ask you for five dollars, how much would remain ?" "Ten dol lars," was the prompt answer. SAID Miss Posigush to Syntax, the college tutor: "So you teach at Har- yard. That must be so delightful, I'm sure. But then should be frightened
 to death to meet any of the students, with half a dozen foreign languages at their tongues end. I suppose they never speak English at all ?" "Very seldom speak it." said Syntax, in dreamy way. "There, I knew they didn't" continued Miss Posigush. "What language do they speak most, Mir. Syntax, Greek or Latin or" "Slang," replied the tutor, with laconic , simplicity.
 SHE poked her head in at the office
 window of the village postmaster, and nnocently observed: I expected let ter from Arthur to-day. What do you suppose was the reason he didn't writer" f Annoyed by the intrusion, the Federal official sharply responded: "I don't { know, but perhaps he was engaged in
 writing to another woman last night"
 It happened, unfortunately for the post master, that the lady who sought the information was neice of the Congress- man for that district, and the next month his official head rolled in the basket. The county organ in the ad- ministration announced the change in an article headed "Civl service reform moves grandly on." A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT woMEN-BY JnTED MAN. l Women are sadly ruled by the law of t compensation. Those who are good are never pretty those who are pretty are 3 never good.
 , To man, truth is what he knows; to
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