Lancaster daily intelligencer. [volume] (Lancaster, Pa.) 1864-1928, 1881-03-18
lanraster fntelligenrer.
The Way of the World.

FRIDAY EVENING, MARCH 1s. 1881.
The Way of the World.
A dentists sign: Drawing, music and
dancing.
A stingy man is even chary when he Of
fers visitor seat.
Trifles light as hair sometimes turn the
whole course of a mans appetite.
Remepyi performs on $5,OOO violin.
No wonder the young man next door
plays so abominably. His fiddle cost but
e2,5O.
"Ho, all yc dyspeptics - says patent
medicine advertisement. II all the dys-
peptics wou!d hoe regularly, their number
would be reduced.
When a woman leaves a man who has
not earned his salt for years, he immedl-
ately advertises that he will pay no debts
OF her contracting.
1t is said that pork fed on Cincinnati
whiskey is never afflicted with trich'nosis.
When the parasites get Whit OF the
whiskcy they take pity on the pig and
leave.
A man who will kreak gum drop III
two pieces. to make the exact weight
when selling candy to a little girl. is mean
enough TO sell cross-eyed needles to a blind
woman.
All the men in an entire county in Min
nesOta turned out on a wolf hunt the
other day. The result was thirty-six dog
fights and the capture of a afcllow who had
run away from his wife.
A doctor went out for days hunting,
and on coming home complained that he
hadn't killed anything. "Ihat's De-
cause you didn't attend to your legitimate
business said mis- wife.
A Northern paper praises the Indian
Hair Restorer" He is a fraud. No In
dian was ever known to restore any hair.
He files it away as a certificate on which
to draw ratiOns from Uncle Sam.
A I.eadville deacon ran man three
miles up hill and then rolled him back
in a barrel for the offense of calling a
church Joss.hOuse. They are bound to
have religion respected in Leadville.
Darius, during his reign. had an income
of S14, 500, 600 year, and when eggs went
up to forty-eight cents dozen he growled
as much as the modern newspaper para
grapher whose income is half as large.
"Do YOU follow a sedentary occupa.
tion:' asked the Judge, jocosely, of va:
grant. ..Well, should relax my features, -
was the response: all the money have
had in ten years | got from sitting on
juries."
Lecture on the rllinOcerOus. Professor
81 must beg you to give me your undivld'
ed attention. 1t is absolutely impossible
that you can form true idea of this hid
eous animal, unless you keep your eyes
fixed On me-
Recorder Ito witness with bandaged
hea.l) - Did Inc have any prOvocatiOn
when he struck you ," Witness " He
may have had something of the kind con-
cayled about his person, but it was brick
he struck me wid.'
The trouble about taking Il medicine
warranted to cure all diseases is that il
may not know exactly what is wanted OF
it. and in that case it will go fOoline
around in the system trying to cure you
of some disease that you have not got.
Bob Ingersoll says it was drinking hotel
coffee that made him an infidel After
all, there is some excuse for the colonel.
Hot coffee is enough to shake mans
faith in the theory that all things are Or
dered by a mercilul Providence.
During the recent civil conflict there
WCIc GNO SoiuhUCSlS uCe"COu VhSii
blankets looking up at the stars in 4 Eir
ginia sky. Says Jack g What made you
20 into the army, Tom - ''Well," replied
Tom, " l had no wife, and l loved war
What made you go to the war. Jack ??
WE'LL" he replied, g had a wife. and
loved peace SO went to the war"
An application for divorce on the grount
Of cruelty. The first witness was Mrs
ROllingstOne.
''What is your name, madam ?" asked
her lawyer.
Beatrice Rollingstone.'
"Maidcn name -
"Boneset.''
''Has your husband treated you cruel
ly?'
"Yes, sir
'ln what respect %
''I1e said could not make miuce pies
like his mother"
"What resemblance does the defendant
mother bear to a mince pie ?" inquired
the court.
''Oh, meant that he said l couldn't
make as good pies as his mothel
could.''
''Let the divorce be granted" said the
judge.