Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1881-04-27
WEDNESDAY,, APRIL 81, 1881.
SPICE AND ALLSPICE.

IN an American missionary. ........
MANY a man who thinks himself
big gun is nothing more than big bore.
Boston Transcript. .~......-....''..-.,.......
"WoMEN ?" said an expert: "well-
some of them are worse than others, but
none are better"
NEVER put off till tomorrow laugh
that can be laughed ay.-K5ngst0n
Freeman.
A MATCH safe-One put up where the
small boy can't get at it. -LoaceU Cjtj-
zen.
Mrs. FrTzNooDLE is fairly crazy over
the spring fashions; she's got the de-
lirium trimmins.
The noses of some meerschaum
smokers color a great deal sooner than
their pipes.-Kepttucky State Journal.
A TALL man having rallied his friend
on the shortness of his legs, the friend
replied: MY legs reach the ground.
What more can yours do? p
A BOY named Kannew was arrested in
Mansburg, Pa, for throwing stones at a
train of cars. We advise that boys
mother to "paddle her own Kannew.
The prudent country schoolmaster
doesn't larrup the boy until he has
looked over the boys old man and is
sure he can't whop him too.
The new settlers in Texas will find
plenty of elbow room, If nothing else
One of them writes that he has ''the
Rio Grande for bath-tub and all Mexico
for a backyard. San Francisco Post.
The Post suggests that the hog should
Crln Of o11,l
In that case Lartidah " should be
adopted as the national anthem. -LoayeU
Courier.
81 DON'T SO much mind" said Mr..
Henpeck-'sI don't so much mind
woman's having mind of her own, ex-
cept that in such case she usually takes
charge of her husbands also."-LoaOeU
Courier.
ADoUBLE ExPERIENCE.-'sS Shall read
you pretty story, Effie?" elias it got
a moral to ?" eyes, darling" 'sThen,
Mumsey, I'd rather not. A story with
moral is like Jam with powder in it. -
Punch
EYES, sir" said Mr.. Gallagher, "it
was funny enough to make a donkey
laugh. l laughed till [ cried" And
then as he saw smile go round the room
he grew red III the face and went away
mad.-Bostoaa Post
A WOMAN in Maine, attempting to talk
through telephone for the first time,
exclaimed, ''How do you do?" and then
dropped into chair, protesting that she
couldn't say another word; she felt as
if she had been talking to ghost"
THE Rolls af Sbandon
That sound so grand on
The pleasant waters
Of the River Lee,
Have not the power,
At the dinner hour.
Of the bell that summons
Mary Jane and me-
Louisville Cour5ey-Jougmat
THERE is said to be a man in Texas
whose conversation consists of more than
nine-tenths profanity, and the Norris
town Herald thinks that our government
should employ him to give an unbiased
opinion of the winter just ended
PUSH back the locks from the lofty
brow; close forever the eyes that have
bea1ned with Joy or melted with tears;
fold the delicate hands, uncalloused by
the rough plow-handle or the coarse
wood-saw. He knows no more of earth.
The spring poet is dead.
The new car leads very simple life.
He rises early and takes long walk,
then breakfasts with his family, after
which he goes down cellar and covers
himself up In the coal-bin for the bal
ance Of the day to keep out of the way Of
the Nihilists.
EVERYBODY on the Champs Elysees,
Paris, stopped one day to turn and look
at a certain young lady. She attributed
this admiration to her new dress and
personal charms; but moi it was an adj
vertlslng agent OF an umbrella firm who
had pinned On her chignon a business
card: "All silk-two dollars. Figaro.
A CIGAR contains acetic, formic, buty-
ric, valerie and pfoprionic acids, prussic
acid, creosote, carbolic acid, ammonia,
sulphureted hydrogen, pyridine. viro-
dine. picoline and rubedine. and a boy
just after having smoked his first one.
Will think there's some more and worse
things in it besides. Boston Post.
A FRENCH APoLoGY-There has been
a family jar "Come, mother, come.'
says the son-in-law to the old lady, in
obedience to the pitiful request of his
wife not to be disagreeable, &c let us
make 1t u,o. L said there was no woman
In the world as unbearable as you are,
didn't |, at which you felt hurt % Well,
I take it all back, there are others ! 20
II looks suspicious for a dramatic
critic at a play to laugh until his vest
buttons rattle off like peas from pod,
be affected to tears until he has to Dor
row an extra handkerchief to absorb the
moisture, applaud till he seems to lead
an ''encore, and then to write criti-
cism next morning condemning the play
as execrable and the actors as worse
Neo0 Haven Register.
A New JERSEY preacher, who was an
noyed by ladies of his congregation turn
ing about in their seats, paused in his
discourse to say: "Ladies, if you will
give me your attention for few mo-
ments, viii keep lookout on the door,
and il anything worse than man enters,