South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-04-22
w Il A N d III u NOR.

Judge Caldwell, OF North Carolina.
ut one time was obliged to call upon
an old darkey to open hi. court. II
was evidently the first time he had
acted IN the capacity of bailift. lie
began; 20, yes o, yes! O, yes!
DE hono'ble, de Cot is now OH de
BENCH Then, after hesitating a mo-
mcnt, rs If not knowing what to say,
ne seemed TO hit it, and ended by
eXciaiming, 'An' may dc Lawd have
mercy on his soulp Caldwell retort-
cd immediately, That ali right, my
man; that's right; if there ever was
court that needed the mercy of
God, It's this one
you mean elastics' replied Nc
Gaughy's unsophisticated clerk to an
elderly lady who asked for carriers.
suppose mgh-nosed people call 'ein
'lastics,' she said, 'but when l get SO
ALFRED stuck-up that | can't say
garters; I'll not box my S1san's ears
when she calls 'em ankle ties. Saw.
honey p He sawed.
A German woman living on Tenth
street, Philadelphia, bal severe at
tack OF cramp the other day, and a
doctor was called in. He gave her
some ginger to relieve the pain
Next day he called again, and said:
well, Mrs, Bummenschlagcr, how
do you feel to day .
'Fust-stra' ght, Doctor was the re-
ply; 'shoost so good as never vas =
DO you feel any pain p he asked
we'll, FIFE god a fiddle pain III my
sthummick, but it don't hurd me =
AN ACCIDENT ALL ARoUND.-A
most ridiculous scene occurred ut q
church in Newcastle, q few SUNDAYS
ago. A policeman was passing the
church, as n gentleman came out
The man jokingly accosted the police
man and said he was wanted inside.
meaning that the minister would be
glad to have him turned from the err
ror OF his ways, and seek the truth
and enjoy the peace that passeth all
understanding. The stupid police
man thought there was some trouble
IN the church, so he went in. The
sexton, seeing a policeman, was anx.
lous TO give him a favorable seat. SO
he said Come right in here and he
took him TO n pew and waved his
hand as much as to say, Help YOUR
self. There was another man in the
pew, deacon with sinister expires.
sion, rs the policeman thought, and
he supposed that was the man they
wanted arrested, so he tapped the
deacon on the arm and told him to
come along. The deacon turned
ale and edged along as though to get
way, when the policeman took him
by the collar and jerked him ont into
The aisle. The deacon struggled.
thinking the policeman was crazy,
and tried TO get away, but he was
dragged along. Many of the congre
CATION thought the deacon had been
doing something wrong, and some of
them got behind the deacon and helps
Cd the officer fire him out. Arriving
ut the lookup the policeman saw the
man who told him he was wanted in
the church and asked him what the
charge was against the deacon. ana he
didn't know, so the sexton was ap-
pea|ed TO, and he didn't know. and
finally the prisoner was asked what il
was al about, and he didn't know
The policeman was asked what he
arrested the man for. and HE didn't
know, and after awhile the matter
was explained, and the policeman.
who had to arrest somebody, took the
man into custody who told him he was
wanted in the church, and he was fin.
cd live dollars and costs. He saws he
Will never try to convert a policeman
again, and the policeman saws he will
never go into church again if they
get 10 knocking each other down
with hymn books.-Mlwaukce Sun.
a stockbroker. returning TO his Of
fec the other day, after substantial
luncheon with client, said, compIa-
Gently, 10 his head clerk: 'Nlr. Put. !
kin, the world looks different TO q man
when he has bottle of chamnapne
~ him Yes, sir, replied tho clerk.
significantly, and he looks different
To- the world
During Lincoln's time there was 4 |
great row over the post office in Mai.
Bickbam's town Of Dayton, Ohio
Two uotspurs were ia the field. Pc
tl'ion after petition in favor of one or
the other poured in upon the Presi-
dent, and delegation after DELEGATION
hnstcncd to Washington TO argue the
case. Mr.. Lincoln was a long suffer
ing man, but his patience gave ont at
last Hc could not determine that
one applicant was in the slightest de.
gree more competent or more patriot
ic or better supported than the other
FINALLY after hpipo LoroJ I,. q, C,o1