Huntsville gazette., 1881-08-27
The Missionary Trunk.

How to protect trunks against the
rsvages of the professional baggage
smasher is problem which has engaged
the thoughts of our wisest and noblest
men. They have tried every material
of which q trunk can be made. Some
have imagined that the heavier and
stronger the trunk the more difficult 1t
will be to smash it, and hence trunks
have been made of oak and zinc and
iron, and have been built so large that
in many cases it would be easier to put
q country cottage into trunk than the
trunk into the cottage. Others, again,
have conceived the idea that safety lies
in the lightness of trunk, and have
provided themselves with trunks made
Of basket-work or canvas. In neither
case has the fiendish purpose OF the
baggage-smasher been thwarted. In
the touching Ian yuage of the New Eng
land Primer, he smashes all both great
and small, and at the end Of a railway
journey there is nothing to choose be-
tween the wreck Of the big iron trunk
and the small basket-work trunk.
The truth is the inventors OF trunks
have shown an unscientitic want OF grasp
of their subject. They have failed to
notice the peculiar method in which the
baggage smasher works. He does not,
as many persons imagine, smash trunks
to pieces with an ak or crow-Dar.
Neither does he break the locks with q
hammer and dance on the lids until
they collapse. All his smashing is done
by the simple process of throwing trunks
from one place to another. He throws
them from the baggage car to the plat
form, and when moving them from
one place on the platform to
another he has a peculiar way OF
giving them a rotary motion on their
corners which infallibly breaks locks
and hinges and tears all the joints asun-
der. What is wanted in trunk-making
is not q material, such as iron, which
will for time resist the blows OF an ak,
neither do we want to build trunks of
excessively large size, inasmuch as they
will fall all the more heavily when they
are pitched from the baggage-car. We
need to build in such way as to coun-
teract the plan pursued by the baggage
smasher; that is to say, to build trunks
which cannot be thrown about or whirled
around on their corners. This is the
scientific way of setting about the solu-
ton of the problem, and it was in this
way that the inventor of the emission
ary trunk" arrived at the result which
must sooner or later make him famous.
This benefactor of mankind has de-
vised trunk, which is practically inca
pable of being smashed, and which at
the same time teaches most useful les
son to the baggage-smasher. The
"missionary trunk T" is built upon
framework of half-inch iron bars, which
extend along each of its twelve edges.
This gives enormous strength just where
it is most needed, and enables the in
ventor to use light wood as the material
for the sides, ends, top, and bottom OF
the trunk. At each of the eight corners
of the trunk an end of one Of the iron
bars is prolonged, so that it projects
four inches beyond the trunk and termi-
mates in a sharp point. 1t is this system
OF spikes which is the chief merit OF the
"missionary trunk" and which consti-
tute5 its usefulness.
It is evident that If this trunk is thrown
from baggage-car it must strike the
platform with at least one of its spikes.
This, of course, Injuries the platform,
and brings the baggage-smasher into
conflict with the railroad company. Or,
if the trunk is thrown into a baggage
car or on the deck of steamboat, the
iron spikes at once cut, tear, and destroy
the wood with which they come in con-
tact. Moreover, if the baggage-smasher
tries to roll the s'missionary trunk" on
its corners, he not only tears the plat
form, but he infallibly lacerates either
his legs or his wrists, and is thus forci-
bly, taught the wickedness of baggage
smashing.
The inventor has put his invention to
most thorough and satisfactory test.
He started last May from this city. and
went to Chicago by the Pennsylvania
Road, returning by the New York Gen.
tral. At the station in Jersey City, the
missionary trunkj' tore up the plat
form to such an extent that a porter
was Instantly dismissed from the SER
vice of the company At Pittsburgh
the trunk was thrown out of the bag
gagecar, and, striking a confederate of
the. baggage -smasher, transfxed his
foot with spike and made him Grip
pie for life. At Chicago two smashers
were fatally wounded by the beneficent
trunk, one of them dying in great agony
with four inches of spike piercing his
skull, and at Cleveland a platform was
SO badly damaged that the company
discharged baggage-master and four
porters. At Buffalo yells of anguish
filled the station as the baggage-smash-
er, who tried to roll the " missionary
trunk on its corner, felt the spikes
tearing his ankles. Throughout the en-
tire tourney the trunk fulfilled most
glori6usly the expectations of the invent
or, and. by the time it reached New
York 1t .haaAkilled four aggage-smash-
ers, rvOunqefAfor the most part seri-
ously-5everf more, injured eleven plat
forms, six cars, and two express wag-
ons, and incidentally caused the dis
charge of thirteen porters. The trunk
itself vas wholly uninjured, and the in
ventoE proposes to repeat his journey
next week, and confidently expects that,
owing to the terror which the trunk has
inspired, it will be handled as gently as
If it were child in arms.
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