The National tribune., 1881-08-27
For THE NATIONAL TRIBUNE.
DEACON JONES AND THE RAT.

DEACON JONES AND THE RAT.
A serpent is reported TO have done the business
for the first family" of the land, and an inno-
cent rat came near effecting the downfall of the
Jones household and in this manner:
Jones was a deacOn-one OF the pillars of the
church-Iived in the country, and held it part
of his religious duty TO shave himself every Sab
bath morning Immediately after doing the
chores.
Last Sunday he came in from the performance
of his outdoor duties, proceeded up stairs, and
soon had his face well plastered over with stiff
coating of lather. He had just commenced strOp-
ping his razor when Mrs. Jones eXcitedly called
out from below, Rufus, come and kill this rat. >
"What rat?" queried the Deacon.
"There's one in the Kitchen come quick" was
the hurried response; lit won't shoe out"
"Wont shoe OUT sarcastcally grunted the
good man. as he laid down his razor, "A woman
never does know how to do anything Then,
without stopping to wipe off the lather, now rap
idly hardening into an enamel of the best Yankee
soap, he descended to the theater of war arming
himself with an ax-handle by the way.
When he reached the kitchen, where prepara-
tions for the morning meal were progressing, he
found everything and everybody in state of con-
fusion. His betteT-half was standing i'll the mid
die of the floor, her skirts gathered closely about
her portly form, and his two daughters Seraphina
and Sophronia, aged sixteen and eighteen respect
iyely, were perched upon chairs. Thomas Jefer-
sen Jones' lad of nine, sitting behind the
stove when his parent entered.
"The way to kill a rat properly is to do il qu-
l-a1 +l,o
door after him You don't want to frighten it
to death One well-directed blow settles the
matter. Show m to me. Wait! Keep still.
see!"
Gently approaching the intruder, snugly en-
ScOnced in corner of the room, and partly con-
cealed by the dust-pan, Jones brought his weapon
down with tremendous force upon the clothes
line stretched across the apartment for use in
rainy weather
He didn't swear as the bludgeon boomeranged
and gave him terrific thump upon the head, but
he spoke very firmly to his wife Mrs Jones,
wish you would keep still"
The rat never moved; and, recovering himself
the Deacon made another essay at demOlishing
the rodent, and succeeded in knocking the dust
pan into smithereens severely bruising his hands
besides
The rat now glided along the wall towards
Thomas Jefferson still innocently sitting behind
the stove Jones followed, and when the rat set
tied down let fly. Holy Moses and the angels.
what a clatter 4 dozen or two milk pans had
been piled up on a shelf close by to dry, and the
cudgeI, in its swift descent, brought them all to
the floor in short order
"Bully for you, Pop Hit em again" yelled
the youthful Jones.
"None of your impudence, you young repro
bate" growled the Deacon. Didn't | tell you to
keep still? And Mrs. Jones' what are you laugh
ing at I'd like to know? Do you think I'm ten
cent circus?"
Mrs. Jones smOothed the merriment out of her
face at this reproof and espying the rat the head
of the family adopted a system of tactics.
Holding his weapon few inches above the floor
and enjOining Thomas, near whom the rat had To-
Gated, to keep perfectly quiet, he began creeping
toward the game. Reaching within striking dis
tance he Strengthened up to deliver the blow, and
In doing so, brought his cranium in contact with
the open door Of the elevated oven under which
he had heedlessly crawled. Thunder-n light
ning goddle- e-oucr.." he yelled, at the top OF
his voice. why the dev-"
Don't swear, Rufus, interrupted his wife
Il never-who's goin 20? Where's that d"
Rufus, remember" began Mrs. jones' Yes
I'll remember. O. I'll never forget it, roared the
Deacon. There's a bump comm on top of my
head as big as a tea-kettle. Oh, yes"--. Just
then Thomas Jefferson moved from his position
and discovered the disturber of the family quiet
following along the wall few feet behind him
Whack! went the Deacon's bludgeon, breaking
the meat platter upon the StOve-hearth. Whack
thump! whack! The Deacon stopped to get
breath, and wipe the perspiration from his face
In endeavOring to do SO with his shirt sleeve he
filled his eyes with lather Then he howled
The rat according to the Deacon's defective Wis
ion, was in twenty places at once and the church
pillar began laying about him like maniac
Thomas Jefferson, evidently fearing bodily
harm, dashed into the best room or parlor fol-
lowed by the rat, the Deacon IN hot pursuit