Connecticut western news., 1881-11-09
WIT AND WISDOM.

THE man who itched for office was elected by scratching. CoURTsHR is task into which man throws his whole heart.
 A YOUNG lady resembles ammunition because the powder is used before the ball. .s. ...[s. r.. a.. r-..a
 A JURY is body of men organized to find out which side has the smartest lawyer. 8. THE moment man is satisfied with himself, everybody else is dissatisfied with him. mr ~aE "a WHEN a mans money is gone, his friends drop off like buttons from pair of ready made pants.
 THE girl presses the leaves, but the boy presses the girl. The press is mighty &a apd ap tFg pgsh smhohsy you are in the habit of giving to the poor like a new porn babeY Because it's precious little. r
 WHEN a Chicago preacher wants new church all his own, and big con- gregation, he has himself convicted of heresy. THE man who has been speculating in Confederate bonds explains that he did so because he wanted to tackle something that was little safer than the average mining stock. IT was a negro who acknowledged after tempestuous voyage at sea that he was 8 land lubber. He said he dubbed it so we'll that he never wanted to go to sea again, for sure.
 PROFESSOR in Psychology-"Can we conceive of anything as being out of time and still occupying space ?" Musical student (thoughtfully) )-''Yes, sir; poor singer in chorus"
 IT WAS at the music hall not long since that lady remarked to a visiting friend, after 8 solo on the big organ, "That's all very we'll, but you just wait till they put on the vox populi.
 BEING intoxicated three times de- prives man of the right to vote under the old French law. If that were the law in this country, electlon day would not amount to much.-Boston Post.
 THE editor of London Punch has fourteen daughters. No wonder the poor man can't see anything funny in having to bounce fellows away from the front gate. It is too much like work.
 "OH, that I were Wilkie Collinsl" cried lazy Jim. "And what do you want to be Collins for ?" chimed the other fell lows. "Because," yawned Jim, "his physicians have ordered him to abstain from all work for six months"
 AN advertisement in New York pa- per reads: Wanted-A compositor; one who uses neither rum nor tobacco. l" So it would appear that in some cities compositors actually use these vile things. It doesn't seem credible.
 "WHo did the churning last week. g' asked Farmer Fouroclock. 'T did, said Bill. s'Then do it again this week, said the old man; cone good churn de- serves another" Covert expression of joy by all Bills brothers and sisters.
 TERR1BnY sarcastic father-''Now, I must bid you good night, MT. John, for have an engagement. But say, why don't you stop and take breakfast with us some morning? You always go away an hour or two before it is ready" !"
 THE salutatorian, says an exchange,
 at Yale this year was 8 German, the yaledictorian a Hebrew, and the prize declaimer 8 Chinaman. But when it comes to real classical culture our native land is there. The pitcher of the Base-
 ball Club is an American.
 VIRTUE does not give talents, but it
 supplies their place. Talents neither give virtue, nor supply the place of 1t. THE heart-broken oyster: Now will the lone and homesick oyster take his
 annual hot bath in soup at the church festival. Waterloo O6seruer. CHRISTMAS cards grow larger, more ) artistic and more expensive. In few years young man that has only 2 ) couple of hundred dollars to spend dur 3 ing the holidays will be undecided 5 whether to buy his girl Christmas card or gold watch and chain. Nor |, rssco,o,s Herald.
 r A -uranrA~rn teetotaler was found | drinking at his breakfast at waysloe D inn. where he thought that he should
 not be known. "Och, Donald, and VI
 thocht ye were an abstainer," exclaimed
 a deacon. who looked in unexpectedly "And so am," was the reply ''but v 2 ken. my friend, that am no bigotet e one"
 j. A FARMER on being asked to write { "a testimonial for patent clothes-wrlnger h produced the following: 'I bought you 1t clothes-wringer and am hugely please' ,f with it. bought jag of wood whicl l. proved too green and unfit to burn; | ran the whole load through your wiring is CT. and I have used the wood for kin 3. ding ever since"
 % COMPLIMENTARY: "Don't you kno'
 that it is felony to steal pocket-boo g, out of gentleman's pocketP" asked y- Austin justice of hard case. "Yes, in knows it, iedge, but dat ar pocket-boo ,g bulged out at de sides dat 1 bleeve yo Id has so much speret in yer dat yer wou ca hab made break for it yerself, iedg nd eff nobody was watchiu' yer."-1e1
 SJtings.
 'ss @ THE many Chinamen employed Aio this country as servants, especially ho cooLs, are easily taught their dutis ne and are very initiative. Of this latt gs, oual;kv Mir Joseph Hatkon. in his CT