Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1881-01-13
Spoopendyke.
some Di6culsy About the Calls.

''Now, my dear" said Mr.. Spoopendyke,
"et me see the list of ladies YOU want me
to call on. | really don't care to go around
much, but man ought to do what his wife
wants him to do on New Years day
Where's the list ?"
"Here it s," said Mrs. Spoopendyke,
hutterlng around with her hair in her mouth.
! al wrote them all out with the addresses for
you, so you wouldn't have any trouble
What makes you put old Sister Lamb at
the head Of the list ?" growled Mr.. Spoopen-
| dyke. "Shes got a wart on her chin the
size of a fire bell, and she can't talk any
thing but the advantages of egg over stove
coal for heating the Sunday School"
But She belongs to the church. and |
| don't believe anyone else will call on her"
reasoned Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Shell be
tickled to death to see YOU
What do YOU think I'm starting out for ?"
demanded Mr.. Spoopendyke fercely Got
an idea I'm going around like missionary
to carry the Gospel to people everybody else
is afraid of? Who's this? What's this
second name here? Who's Mrs. Shklym-
breton?"
That's Mrs. Wolverton. promised her
you would call Never mind Mrs. Lamb,
| but YOU ought to caA on Mrs. Woverton"
What for9 What has she got in com
mon with me, except that her bones are hol-
low? She don't know the difference be-
tween Guinea pig and the burning Of
Jerusalem. Always wants to know if
| don't think that Sodom and Gomorrah were
! parallels. Is that the kind Of list you've
made out? Want me to run around among
the old monuments Who's Miss Swash ?"
That's Mrs. Smith, the little widow. You
know she's interested in sending women out
West to get husbands. She'll amuse YOU
'She will if she sees me She'll make me
! laugh like a hyena if she gets one eye on
me. Who's that yellow headed girl that
sits two pews in front Of US? I'd call on
! her now"
"She's little chit of thing. You don't
want to run after those young people,
man Of your age"
Whats the reason don't ?" howled Mr.
J Spoopendyke. Got an idea that | only
care for the tough old people. haven't you ?
Think I'm sort of Plymouth Rock, don't
| you9 Got any more old landmarks that
need inspection ?"
Il don't care, :" demonstrated Mrs. Spoo-
! pendyke, Indignantly; They're nice people,
and like to cultivate them. They may be
along in life, but they can't help it,
J Nu4ltN dtt titIIl' II YOU NiIl 10, SIO"Itu
Mr.. Spoopendyke; .'but if you think I'm
! going hoeng around among EN- On the first
of January, you're left What d'ye want to
cultivate EN- for2 With YOUR friends and
ideas you only need weekly prayers and an
alarm of fire 10 be an old woman's home.
/ Who else have you got here? Mrs
\ Slggonspratt, Mrs. Woptenslough. Mss
j k..npli-
..N 4 ! - -, Ill
\ planned Mrs. Spoopendyke. That's Mrs
Miss Hemingway. They are just as nice
as they can be-"
Are they the three old worthless who
howl in the choir ?" asked Mr.. Spoopendyke
sternly. They've got a grandson old
enough to be my father"
They haven't" sobbed Mrs. Spoopen-
I dyke. You know better"
well most Of en- have. What dye
want me % call on them for? Got any more
old almanacs expecting me? Where's the
Sphinx You haven't got the Sphinx down
| here. nor the Tower Of Babel. Who're
these other pyramids? Who's Mrs. Upside
down."
That's Mrs. Edgarton. She sent you the
jelly when you were sick, and you said she
was the best woman in Brooklyn. You'll
have to call on her for politeness,' said Mrs
Spoopendyke severely.
Il won't either :" shouted Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke The jelly was sour, and sIe made
me pay dollar toward plaster Of Paris /
angel for starving family out in Flatbush. 1
| Who's this other nurse Of George Washing
| tons? Here, this is mistake went TO
old Miss Schumslock's funeral thirty wears
ago"
You didn't, You never did :" proclaim
ed Mrs. Spoopendyke, thoroughly aroused.
THAT isn't her name either Its Miss
Schofeld and she is the best friend I've
got. only want
II know what you want Kissed Mr. /
Spoopendyke. You want a few more ac-
quantance>, and a map TO be a guide book .
to ancient Troy Think I'm going to cali on
that old monoIith? Got ANYTHING here that
belongs to modern times Know ANYBODY |
who has been dug up within SIX or eight
centuries? Who's that black eyed girl in |
the Bible class? Don't she hang out flag |
TO-DAY ?"
Il wouldn't look at her." shifted Mrs. |
Spoopendyke, a wouldn't have you 90
there for worlds. Besides, she don't re-
ceive."
Whats this ?" demanded Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, What Mrs. Wimpqst,xq got to do |,
with it What cemetery will | find her
IMP"
That's Mrs. Wlloughby," explained /
Mrs. Spoopendyke, complacentlv, "Shes |
the young widow who recently joined the |
church
81 don't mind calling on her." said Mr. 4
Spoopendyke "She wasn't born more'n
four thousand wears before the Christian era.
Got any more like her? Does this measlv .
list contain anybody else who wasn't the \
mother of the Chinese Empire? Think of I
any more grave stones that haven't had the
epitaphs worn off ?"
NO" replied Mrs. Spoopendyke, coldly,
land now | remember, Mrs Willoughby re-
ceives calls with friends in Buffalo"
'Dod gast your dod gasted list" howled 5
Mr.. Spoopendyke, dancing on the unhappy
ghoul? S'pose I'm going to prance around .
among all the measly old ghosts in Bro
lyn? S'pose I'm going to swash ar
and eat cake and drink lemonade with ff
of illustrations of the silurian period
Think Pm going to spend the day with a lot
of articulated old skeletons just because
they belong to the same church that do ?"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke popped out of the
house like bung, and went next door to
see if his friend Tortorthumb knew any
mummies of whose history there was some
tradition.
II don't care" said Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she whirled around two or three times to
practice kicking her train, "if he don't call
on the church people they'll be hopping mad,
and if he does, he won't have much of
time, so he'll wish he was dead either way,"
and Mrs Snoonendyke hustled into the
parlor to assure sandy haired young man
with stiff neck that it was awful good of
him to come, and to learn that he hadn't
come far of his own volition, but had slid
most of the way.
-"What do you charge for shave here p