Centre Democrat. [volume] (Bellefonte, Pa.) 1848-1989, 1881-04-21
hr. spoopendyke Prepares a Speech
Upon " Woman"

dyke, as he drew writing materials
toward him, "now want your woman's
wit. These fellows insist that / must
respond 10 the toast, Woman to-mor.
row night, and must prepare few
remarks. II we both 90 at L. we'll get
up something nice"
"What you wantY' argued Mrs.
Spoopendyke, entering into the spirit Of
the undertaking, and tapping her teeth
with her thimble. "What you want is
woman in her various phases"
"What / want il speech retorted
Mr. Spoopendyke. "Thcy haven't put
me down for 4 panorama. / waus
short address, full Of good points and
pleasant things about the ladies' Now
| shall begin: Fellow citizenB-'"
But women amt fellow citizens. /
should say"
You'd say, fellow back hair that's
what's you'd say. I'm addressing the
people, and they're all men; don't you
see? I've got 10 commence somewhere,
and then / go on. Now, fellow citi-
zens, regarding women, our origin,
our companions, our postcrity, our
mothers, our wives and our daugh-
ters, what more can VIC Nay than
that they give ns life, make it happy
and soothe it's dcclincY How's that 2"
Is that the same woman - asked
Mrs. Spoopendykc, bending over the
table. at don't strike me that she
would care to have it put in that way.
Why not say Fellow citizen: We are
Assem-"
" WHAT the matter with YOU ?" de-
mnnded Mr.. Spoopcndykc. 1--WE got
to open with q sentiment, and Won can't
find anything more graceful than that.
Then ! viii 60 on she rises in the
cradle, reaches her meridian nj the al
tar and goes down in a food of dow at
the grave Can you grasp that -
Il don't like that a. well as the
other, demonstrated Mrs Spoopcndykc.
I" lou make her mother while she's a
baby, and rs Tor the grave part, yon
don't stop 10 think that she may he an.
other meridian 10y getting married.again.
| would say something like this: Eel
low citizens We are assem- -'"
" No, ! won't either. Who's going TO
get married again? Can't you see that
I'm only carrying ont the first idea Of
origin, companship, and postority?
Rising in the cradle means giving us
birth. Now you hold up. Suppose
say ncHt: we revere her as mother,
adore her a. wife, and and, say what
do We do for her a, daugbter?"
I'VE provide home for her.
Wouldn't-?"
Yes, Of course raycd Mr. Spoop-
cndykc. That's the idea! That fixes
iti All you want now is two prolonged
laughter-, four continued applauses,
one enthusiasm and "a voice to be
an oation Fellow citizens, We furnish
her with poached eggs and beans Eel
low citizens, we pass her the gravy
Fellow citizens -" yelled Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, gcsiiculating like n horse-chcst-
nuttrce. Fellow citizens, If she wants
her beef rare, We give it to her Eel
low citizens, vc give her all the dod
Fasied butter she can paste on her
bread = is that what YOU want me 10
say? Expect I'm going TO stand around
and make q measly ass Of myself Eel
low citizens, rs mother we revere her
Fellow citizens, as wife We adore her
Fellow citizens, TO help a man get up a
speech she's the dod slamdest donkey
that ever raised a family wah-h-h-h."
shrieked Mr.. Spoopendykc. purple in the
face, "got any moro suggestions? Know
any more eloquencc - and the worthy
gentleman leaned back in his chair
speeches.
"Couldn't You leave her out alto
gctherT' recommended Mrs. Spoopen.
dyke. Cant you just revere her as
mother aud adore her as wife As for
the daughter, yon might pass it over
with saying: Fellow citizens, We arc
Yes, or / can cut her throat " pro-
claimed Mr.. Spoopendyke. 81 can take
her to the pound can salt her down
for winter use bod gast the speechr
and Mr. Spoopendyke danced on the
fragments Of his notes Tomorrow
night I'll answer that toast by telling
what dod gasted old mule you'd make
of any man that would listen to you,"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke banged himself
into the bed like beer spigot and went
to sleep.
"Well, thought Mrs. Spoopendyke,
l. p. 4