Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-23
HIRING AN OBITUARY POET.
Flow to Tighten the GIoosn-An Exper-
iment that Didn'f Work - Descent of
ti,e Mourners Upon hangs and the
Poet.
BY MAX ADEIER.

u
the village by the Morning Argus withi0 a day or
two :and while most of ting readers of that wonderful
sheet have thus been supplied with amusement,
the soul of the editor has been filed with gloom
and wrath and despair. Colonel Bangs recently
determined TO engage an assistant TO take the
place made vacant by the retirement OF the emf
nent art-critic, Mr.. Murphy, and he found IN one
or the lower counties OF the state person who
appeared to him to be suitable. The name
o. the new man is Simmer. lie has often con-
tributed TO the ATG1ts verses OF distressing char
acter. and i suppose Bangs must have become ac-
quainted with him through the medium OF the
correspondence thus begun. No one In the world
but Bangs would ever have selected such poet
for an editorial position. But Bangs is singular
he is exceptional He never operates in accord
ance with any known laws, and he is more than
likely tn do any given thing in such a fashion as
no other person could possibly have adopted for
the purpose. As the Argus IS also sal geHerjS.
perhaps Bangs does right 20 conduct II In peculiar
manner. But he made mistake when he employ
ed Mr. Simmer
The colonel in his own snail way is tolerably
sh-ewd- He had observed the disposition OF per-
soas who have been bereaved Of their relatives TO
give expression to TIE feelings In verse, and Il
CURED to him that it might BE- profitable to use
SINNERS poetical talent In such WJy as to make
the 4rg1as very popular vehicle fOrthe conveyance
10 the public OF notices OF deaths. That Kind OF
Inc TO very large class of readers. and he believ
ed that II he could offer tn each advertisers grat
ftauS verse to accompany the Obituary paragraph,
the Argus would not only attract advertisements
CT that description frcm the country round about
the village, but It would secure much larger elf
Culation-
ed upon the performance of his duties, Colonel
Bangs explained his theory To the pJet, and sug
geSteti that whenever q dedtil-nOtice reached the
Office, he should Immediately vfite rhyme or two
wht;h should express the sentiments most suitable
ssYou understand, Mr. Simmer said the colo
nel, that when the death OF an Individual Is
nounced want you, as IL were. to cheer the mem-
bers OF the afflicted family with the resources of
your noble art. ] wish you to throw yourself. you
may say, into their stu ton. and TO give them, f'r
inst NEE few lines about he deceased which will
seem TO be the exnrpssiOn of the emotion which
aGitates the breasts OF the bereaved-"
ITO tighten the gloom in a certain sense,' said
Mr.. Simmer, sand to"
"Preoisely." exclaimed Colonel Bangs. "Lighten
the gloom Do not mourn over the departed but
ALL Mr. Simmer, IS Us it were, hut the entrance to
better life. Therefore. wish YOU to touch the
heart-strings OF the afflicted with tender hand
and TO endeavOr, 1r instance, To divert their minds
from contemplation OF the horrors OF the tomb"
Refrain nom despondency, suppose, and lift
their thoughts to"
s'Just sol And at the same time combine eleva-
ting sentiment with such practical information as
you can obtain from the advertisements Throw
glamour OF pocSy, Tr instance, over the common
place details OF the everyday life OF the deceased
People are fond OF minute descriptions Some
the man WHO brings the notice 10 the Office: others
you may be able to supply from your imagina-
tiOn."
IL think can do it first rate" said Mr. Simmer
"But, above all,n continued the colonel, .'try a.
ways TO take bright view of the matter. Cause
the sunshine OF smiles, as 1t WERE to burst through
the tempest of tears; and ii we don't make the
Morning Argus hum around this town, it Will be
queer
Mr. Simmer had charge of the editorial depart
ment the next day during the absence of Colonel
Bangs in Wilmington. Throughout the afternoon
md tfh
would reach Mr.. SINNERS desk, he would lock the
door, place the fingers OF his left hand among his
hair and agoniZe until he succeeded in completing
verse that seemed to him TO accord with mis- in
structiOns.
The next morning Mr. Simmer proceeded calmly
70 the office for the purpose OF embalming In SYM
pathetic verse the memories OF otLerdeparted ones
As he came near to the establishment he observed
crowd OF people in front Of it, struggling to get
into the door. Ascending some steps on the other
side OF the street, he overlooked the crowd, and
could see within the Office the clerks
selling papers fast they could
handle them, while the mob pushed and
yelled in frantic efforts to obtain copies, the
presses in the cellar meanwhile Changing furious
" Standing upon the curb>tone In front OF the
Office there was a long row OF men, each OF whom
was engaged IN reading re NDfHtfg irg"S with
an earnestnesS that MIR. Simmer had never before
seen displayed by the patrons o. that sheet The
bard concluded that either his poetry had touched
sympathetic cord in the popular heart. or that
an appalling disaster had occurred in some quar-
Ter OF the globe.
He went round to the back of the office and as
cended 10 the editorial rooms. AS he approached
the sanctuIn, loud voices Were heard within. Mr..
Simmer determined TO ascertain the cause before
entering. He obtained Il chair, and placing il 10y
the side door, he mounted and peeped over the
door through the trans0m. There sat Colonel
Bangs, holding The Morning AIy,ts in both hands,
while the 1rlnge which grew in a semi-circle
around The edge OF HIS bald head stood straight
out, until he seemed 10 resemble . gigantic gun
SWaD- Two or three persons stood in front of him
IA threatening attitudes Skinner heard one OF
them say:
'.Aly name Is McGlue, sir ,-WiIIiam NcGup, 7
am brother OF the late Alexander McGlue.
picked up your paper taiS morning, and perceived
In it outrageous insult to NV deceased relative
and have come around TO demand. sir, WHAT YOU
MEAN by The following Infamous language:
The death-angel s1note Alexander McGlue,
And gave him prOtracted repGSe:
he wore checked shirt and a Number Nine shoe,
And he had pink wart on his nose
No doubt he is happier dwelling I'm space
over there on the evergreen shore
His friends are informed that his funeral fakes
place
Precisely at quarter past FOUR
''This is simply diabolical! NV late brother had
20 Wart on his nose, sir. He had upon his nose
neither a PINK wdrt nor green wart. nor "A cream
coiorei wart nor wdrt OF any other color. It is
slinder. 1t Is gratuitOus Insult 20 my family
ana distinctly Want you to say chat do gou
"ReaIly, SIR" said Bangs, lit Is mistake. This
Is the horrible work OF a miScreant in whom re-
posed perfect confidence He shall he punished by
my own hand for this outrage. A pink wart Avn
ful! Sir-awlUl. The miserable scoundrel shall
suffer for thiS-he shall, indeed!"
ttuiu Il kNON. HluffnerpQ MI. Simmer
10 The foreman, who with him was listening THAT
the corpse hadn't pink wart? 1 used 10 know a
nan named McGlue. ana he had one. and /
Thought al the NcGlueS had This comes OF ir-
regularltics in families"
And who," said another man. addressing the
eoitur, Authorized you 10 print this hiieOuS stuff
ABOUT Iny deceased son? Do You mean to s4y
Bangs. that II was not with your authority that
your low comedian Inserted with Iny adyer-
use" ent the following scandalouS burleSlue Lis
ten u this:
"'wiihe had purple monkey climbing on a yellow
stick.
And when he sucked the paint all OF it made him
deathly sick:
And in his latest hours ne clasped that monkey in
his hand,
And bade goodbye 10 earth and went into better
land
"Oh! no more he'll shoot his sister with his little
WOODEN sun:
And no more he'll twist the pussy's tail and make
her yOyl for run.
The puSSy'S tai now stands out Straiyht: the gun
Is Laid aside;
The monkey doesn't jump around since little VII
lie died.
1.-The atrcciOus character OF this libel will appear
when say that my son WAS twenty year, old
nd that he died OF liver complaint"
INFAMOUS utterly Infamous. :" groaned the
editor as he cast bis eyes over the lines. "And