Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1881-07-02
WITTISCISSORS.


A tower OF strength-Thc tow-boat.
Paper money! newsboy's receipts.
Sound money-the orchestra salary.
1t augurs no good to be called a bore.
Last summers tile is this summers style.
She that hath a now bonnie, is mdre con-
yumed with a desire togo 70 meeting than
seven pious ones.
Animals lick each other from motives of
affection. The reverse Is generally the ease
with men.
We will saw 20 the Young man who wants
to know what is best TO live en- this sCmmer,
that a rich uncle is not q bad thing
A gambler turned preacher and on his
first appearance i'm the pulpit said keno Tor
amen.
Strawberry short-cakc alta church festival
is charming sCanto est. &c bsuch exciting
fan 70 see who gets the strawberry.
There Is a man in this city who makes a
business Of brcaking-iu new boots. lie Is
always ready % tender his feet for q coasid-
Grafton.
Patrick, said the priest how mach hay
did YOU steal? Well may as well confess
To- Your reverence for the whole stack for
am going after the balance OF 1t 20 night
When 1 was q Young msn I was always
I'm a hurry 10 hold the big end ot % log ana
do all the lifting now am older, L seize
hold Of the small end and Go All me grunt-
ing.
John Jackson. the celebrated burglar,
whom the New York police recently cap
tured. Is so crippled by rheumatism as TO
nc rrsble 70 walk. This explains the cap
ture very satisfactorily.
A correspondent wants 90 know how hS.
man skin can be tanned. Hc must have
been a remarkably good boy when he went
60 school. not 20 have learned that among
the other branchcs.
A downtown resident remarked Of q
Young man, supposed to be seriously aiton-
1--WE % q very handsome niece: " DottelerS
vixcd. He's got um pad. lie make dot
gal present 0y ring NIT dose dont-you-lor-
get-it flowers ono.
bee few out iu Tie sunny air
Ev a boy So bithe and youur
Who laughed and screamed without acale,
And would not hold Ais tongue.
The scene it changed; with sob aud shrek
The vault of heaven ruuet
And homcward flew the tgc SD meek
While ,he small loy held his stuus.
A very useful and significant Christmas
gift was a broom presented to young BRIDE
With these lines
This trifing cHe accept ot mes
It's use 4 would commend
Tia sunshine r>. Che hrts-y IarN
in storms Che other end.
Three Irislmen who had dug a ditch for
fosr dollars, were quite 40 q loss To Know
how 90 divide the pay equally. Bnt one
of tbe number had been 20 school and
reached division in arithmetic, So 1t was
lett to him. Heidi It 40 once, say ing, Its
.isv ENOUGH. sure there's two for You two
ana two for me. too The two received
sbeir portion with "a greatly increased re-
spect for the advantages of learning.
The Rev. JIG. Furnis an English cler-
ovman. describes hell, " For the Instruction
of the Young lie SAYS the place Is aDou,
four thousand miles from where he lives;
that billions OF people have reached there,
and that they arca screaming. grooming,
yelling. shrieking. roaring, Kissing, howl
ipg. wa.linr and tcartully @biasPhemous
crowd. whose oceans oi tears rundown with
a great splash upon the rcd-hot iron floors.
II Is related of % militia colonel who had
his raw recruits out in the fields that the
command suddenly came 90 q stone fence.
Here was am obstacle t0 be met which was
not down I'm the tactics and surpassed his
military knowledge Goo overcome; but only
for "a moment. Calling upon his troops to
"break ranks. " hc added, with % wink, and
elm five minutes time we viii reform on
the other side of that fence and So she
soldiers scrambled over the military diih-
Gully.
"There was @ Do,cb ca1pen on,t. au his
mate come To- him In the cabin where hc
sot takin' his s@chnapps, am says, Caupen,
its o gettin' thick. and looks Kin o. sqUallyi
hedn't ives goods shorten sail. Gimmy
my alminact, says the cappcn. 80 he
looks 40 10 q spell, an' says De, The moons
Que in less'n half an hour, am she'll scot.
away cy'ythin' clare agiu.' So the mate Inc
goes. am bum-by down hc come a-iu, an
saws. 'Cappeu. TINS 'tr,s the a.ircdcSr,
p0wcrtullc tmoCLt ever oudid see. shes
scoftd away the maintogallautsl, and shes
Co work on the farctou,I now. Guess you'd
better look DOB the a.mauicS agin, am I'm
ont when this moon SETS. - the cappen
thought 10 was about time Goo go on deck
Dreadful slow them Dutch capp-rs be-.
There are 500 veujors Of sawdust In New
York with "a capital ot 100000 invested
and an annual business Of over S2,o0O,Ot0.
-Four decades ago. mills wegc glad Co have
the sawdust caltgd away. - wears ago 10
was worth only so cents 90 load; 10 is now
worth $3.50 % load at the mills. lt IS used
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