The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1881-06-10

| Hash.
THue to the last-An industrious cob
bier.
A pair of stockings -Gould and
Vanderbilt.
| Everything has 10 pay up sometimes;
even the little chickens have TO shell
out.
A farmer friend calls one of his early
vegetables "Waterloo," because 1t is a
big beet.
| Soda water is again quite prevalent.
1t is only dangerous when she is thirsty
and he is broke.
"This is what like" said the tramp;
"good country board," as he laid him.
self down on the floor of tho barn.
Conkling's little gun went off the
wrong end and killed Platt. Now he
says he "didn't know it was loaded"
A Hartford divorce lawyer said to
his minister the other day: "You and
live in the right state for one another
what you Connect-i-cutw
The Keokok Gate City gives the fol-
lowing recipet How TO make nose
gay-drink rum and molasses three
times an hour. Shake well before tax
ing.
The Boston Post has learned the
enormous capacity for profanity afford
ed by the English language, in the ex-
ample of parrot, which speaks 25O
words.
Aprety foot-"Wcll you'll allow she's
got pretty foot, won't you~ eyes,
iii grant you that, but then it never
made half as much of an impression on
me as the old man's.'
A little girl, seeing two love-birds
billing and cooling, was told that they
were making love. "Why don't they
marry?' she asked. "Then they would
not make love any more"
When man begins to tumble up-
stairs every one helps him TO get 10 the
top, and when he begins to tumble
down stairs all the world seems anxi-
ous TO have him reach the bottom.
"But Freddy, how could you think
of calling auntie stupid?" Go to her
iFtfr%edfl"ff9S Freddfyl" GOES sd Is e asiie and saws:
"Auntie, am sorry you are stupid"
A Philadelphia millionaire persuad-
cd his sons to study law, and then, so
that they would be sure to get possess
sion of all his property, wilIed IL to
some one else.- philadelphia News.
Mamma: "And David was able TO
kill that great big man, Goliah, because
God helped him."
Harry (six years): "Well, | don't
call that fair, mamma; that's two on
onc."
Said Fogg, smarting under the hands
of the barber, 81 wish you were where
your razor is" "Where is that?' ask
ed the tonsorial artist. "Underground,"
replied Fogg with a snap Boston
Transcript.
When the Oil City Derrick man put
on his last years white vest he found
roll of bills in one of the pockets,
amounting to about S120, which he had
forgotten. p. S.-None of them were
rccciptcd. philadelphia Bulletin.
A fond mother said TO her little son:
Tommy, my dear, l am going 10
give you little companion soon.
Which would you prefer?-a little boy
or little girl?"
"Well, MOTHER" replied Tommy, "if
1t is all the same to you, | would rather
have little donkey"
"Little baby is very i'll, Charlie; l
am afraid he will de-"
swell if he does die, mamma, he won't
go to the bad place."
"Why, Charlie, how do you know
that~
ooh, l know he can't, mamma! He's
got no teeth to gnash."
There is vacancy in the devil de-
partment in this office. This is the
way it happened: We were writing
about st. Petersburg, and had forgot
ten the name of the river that flows by
it. 'The Neva," replied the foreman,
to whom we had propounded the ques-
ton. "Whatl Neval" said the prin-
ter's devil, which were the last words
he spoke. The Office will close early
to-day to allow the compositers TO at
tend the funeral.-(Cincinati Saturday
Night.
Ahothcr triumph iOr hTt-Our Iflenu
Morethan Seven wanted his half-longth
portrait painted; but he didn't mean to
7 be done by those artist chaps, and took
the precantion of proper legal docu-
ment. The utmost care was taken TO
leave no loop-hole for the artist. "Shall
we say in three good oils?" said the
lawyer. The shrewd sitter chuckled as
he sat, to think of his great precautions.
Yet the artist did not seem TO despair
either. Lawyer-"Hum! dear me /!
Painted you only from the waist down.
wards, has her Pm really afraid we
have no remedy, as we merely inserted
} the words 'half-length,' omitting to
, stipulate as to the upper half Lon
, don Fun.
Itching Piles.-Symptoms and Care.