The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1881-09-09
THE MODERN HAT.RACK.
DfabOitcaI Character of This Heath
enish Continuance.
from the New York Time

DhaoOi1cui Character 0f This Heath
enish Continuance.
From the New York Times.l
No candid man can examine the mod
ern hat-rack without feeling that it is ex-
plicable only ON the theory of its
demoniacal origin. Indeed, the human
mind is so constituted that itinstinctive-
y,refers all the contrivances ostensibly
intended for holding hats to the devil,
and most of US would confess a belief
that the devil makes hat-racks did we
not fear the derision of so-calledphiloso-
pliers. Is it reasonable to suppose that
any human being seriously designed for
good purpose the combination of brass
rods which is to be seen above the ia
bles In certain restaurants? Ostensibly
these rods are intended for temporary
storage of hats; but when man tries
to put his hat on brass-rod rack it in
stantly falls down again, and brings with
it two other hats and pie of newspa~
pers, the former of which upset the cas-
ter, while the latter diffuse themselves
over the butter and the beefsteak.
Nothing but the theory of the active in
huence of evil spirits can account for
this style of hat rack, and yet it is really
luSclllouS ~ tlo
common hat-rack of private houses.
This diabolical continuance is always
placed in the dark corner of the hall-a
fact which shows that evil spirits are
concerned not merely in manufacturing
but in pla ,ingit. The consequence is that
the visitor gropes for it, and, in so do
ing, infallibly knocks down the over
coats and hats which are already hung
upon it. When he is able to perceive it
with his eyes, he can find no satisfactory
peg. The malicious manufacturer never
fails to make the pegs SO short that to
induce hat to balance itself upon one
of them is a task requiring both time
and dexterity. Not content with this,
the manufacturer places the pegs SO
close together that it is impossible for
two adjoining pegs to support each its
own hat at the same time. The ordi-
nary visitor learns this truth only by sad
experience. He persists III trying to
hang his hat on the peg next to that
which bears the hat of the head of the
house, and it is only after he has knocked
the original hat down with his own hat,
and then knocked his own hat down by
trying to restore the other to its origin
pose of the maker of hat-racks.
Only the ingenuity of demons could
have combined an umbrella stand with
hat-rack. The object of this unholy
combination is obviously TO tempt the
visitor to deposit his overcoat on the
protruding handles of half dozen
umbrellas and canes. The prudent man
rarely attempts to hang his overcoat on
q peg, for he knows that m SO doing he
Will knock down oil the hats. Moreover,
it is the practice Of the satanic manfact-
urer to put III the pegs SO loosely that
the weight of an overcoat when put on
any one of them will pull it out. He,
therefore, folds his overcoat up and Lays
it gently on the umbrella handles. In
stantly these delusive supports give way.
A rafting avalanche of canes and umbrel-
Las strikes on the marble floor, and the
betrayed overcoat gathers to itself all
the available dirt that has accumulated
In the bottom of the umbrella stand,
while the startled and indignant visitor
breaks into language which might well
fill listening demons with fendish Joy.
So notorious has the character of the
combined hat-rack and umbrella
stand become that wise men never
NEEDLE with it. but uniformly place
their folded overcoats on the floor in a
corner of the hall, and put their hats
on their overcoats.
Now. if we attempt to acconnt for the
hat-rack ON any theory which excludes
the supernatural, we make a complete
failure. 1t is in vain for us to ask our
selves why men should make an article
of furniture that can accomplish no con-
ceivable end except the evaporation Of
mankind. The moment we assume that
laat-racks are the work of evil spirits
they become coherent and intelligible.
Is it not, then, pity that the abolition
of faith in evil spirits leaves as without
any method of accounting for the ex-
istence of hat-racks, and compels us to
say that we do not know, and cannot con-
cedve, for what purpose they are made ?