Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1881-08-21
THE PRESIDENTS TREATMENT
I'M. Quad in Free Press

had just unfolded the daily and set
tied back in the seat for q pull at the
news, when she reached over and poked
me in the neck with her yellow parasol
and called out:
elias them tarnal doctors killed the
President yet?'
She was an old fashioned, motherly
woman, never travelling without phial
of peppermint, and having hawks eye
for every patch Of smartweed and bunch
of catnip along the line.
"The President is able to sit up.'
81 don't believe it-don't believe one
end of no such story'' she said as she left
her bundles and boxes and parcels, and
came over to share my seat.
''But the papers say 500
~ don't care two cents for no papers!
I tell you the President hasn't been doc
tored right any of the time, and
nobody kin make me believe that he's
gettin' better. Young man are you a
Doctor"
"No, ma am"
"You needn't mann me, because I'm
plain woman. It's pity you amt a
doctor, for 1 could prove We humbug in
about two minutes Do you know
what is killing off so many folks in this
country?'
'sIt's death, isn't it,"
"Of couse it's death-death and the
doctors! And them doctors have done
their very best to kill the President? Do
you remember what they done the day he
was shot?''
cum. Let's see! Probed for the ball
and gave him morphine, didn't they?"
''They did," she replied, as she damned
the parasol into my ribs. ''That's just
what killed my nephew in the army. He
was shot by cannon ball, and them doc
tors probed and probed and probed, and
when they had got around to decide that
the ball had gone clean through him and
knocked off the roof of barn half mile
away, the poor boy was dead. Morfeen!
I have saved over a hundred nayburs
from the grave and never sot eyes on
morfeen! How much have | pitied the
poor President, and how have wished
was there"
"What for?''
"What fur? Why, to turn them tarnal
doctors out of doors, and have the Presi-
dent out chopping wood in four weeks!
1t makes me billing mad to read their way
of treating him"
"What would you have done?"
"Don't ask me-don't ask me- [ feel
like spanking the hull crowd. Have you
read the papers every day?''
eyes"
"Well, have you read that they have
soaked his feet one single time since the
day he was shot?''
HNo."
"Of course you havn't Did they put
horseradish drafts on his feet?''
':Not once"
"Have they gin him a smartweed
sweat?"
ono"
cor tried mustard poultlces?"
emo"
elias he had one single drink of catnip
tea since the day he was shot?"
emo"
"Have they used any flax seed about
him?"
emo"
"Havn't heard of their digging any
sarsaparilla, wild turnip, sweet flag, bur-
dock or sweet sicily?"
"No."
'sNo, YOU havn'tn' she exclaimed as she
missed my nose with that amiable para
sol. ':All they've done is to talk about
his perspiration being up to l02, his. nor
NAL pulse, and temperature from 80 to
50. If it was me my temperature would
be up to 300 and I'd make things hum.
It's the shamefacedest case I ever heard
of, and you just mark what tell ye-
that them tarnal doctors will sniff at To-
bella and number six, and turn up their
noses at mustard plasters till all of a sud-
den the President will begin to sink and
sink, and even cold sage tea and mutton
tallOw won't save him.