The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-11-30
FLOATING FANOIEs,

and EOxhail as stroke and bow oars.
Sleigh manufacturers learn with regret
Vennor predicts snow next winter. They
were hoping he would predict a hot wave.
A tall man having rallied a friend on the
shortness of his legs, the friend replied:
'My legs reach the ground; what more can
yours do p
A most disgraceful affair recently occurred
in Kansas. Two prominent politicians
fought q duel and neither Of them was hurt.
Why is paper money more valuable than
coin? Because you double it when you
put it in your pocket, and when you take it
out you find it cresses.
"Honesty is the best policy But you
have to pay the premiums in this world and
realize on your insurance in the next.
A celebrated writer informs the world that
"debt is a great stilnulant," but the Major
says he prefers brandy. He has tried both
and ought to be q competent judge.
Miss Blanch De Bar is to bring out a new
drama, written by herself and entitled eva,
the Ss~leslady." Now, let somebody rewrite
the part of ''Mose, the Fireg entleman.''
The man who is q deadhead on the trunk
lines from New York to Chicago considers
the cut rates q sWindle. He used to save
about $50 on a trip; now he saves only 81.
~ recognize the navy" said the political
orator, as he was about to define the func
tons of that institution. sLend US your spy
glass;" was the response from q thousand
throats.
1t was at the Music Hall not long since
that a lady remarked to q visiting friend,
after 8 solo on the big organ, "Thats all
very well; but you just wait till they put on
vox populi."
"a French artist gave his last work to a
porter to convey to the Salon. s'Be careful;
be CAREFUL" said he, ''the picture is scarcely
dry" ooh, never mind, exclaimed the por-
ter, ''my clothes are DID,"
CANT you going down, Blobbs, to have
q dip in the sea ? do you good" Blobbs is a
fat man. e'Sea! What DO you take me for:
aporpoise?" "Well, yes; eur thoughts did
run kind of that way"
A boy in a country school was reading the
following sentences: "The lighthouse is a.
landmark by day and o beacon by night"
and he rendered it thus: "The lighthouse is
landlord by day and a deacon by night"
The Philadelphia News says that silk
worms require almost as much attention as 8
woman's back hair. They require fewer
h%airpins, however, and we don't suppose
they are hung over the back of chair at
night. ""@..
"Murphy, can We tell me phwat's this anti
monopoly racket the boss Is giving us?"
swell, Moike, Dim divoided in my moind
meself. Sure an Oh think it's somethin' be-
twane an Orangeman an a Hallaballoo-or
the loikes of that.
A clergyman in Scotland preached a few
Sundays ago from the text, IF ye do not re-
pent ye shall like wise perish" The wife Of
a farmer who was present went nome and
told her husband that the text was, sIf you
don't pay rent you shall leave the parish"
Two old ladies, evidently out Of town, were
walking along the street one day last week,
when one Of them discovered a bunch of
bananas. Stopping to look at them, she ad-
justed her glasses and exclaimed: "Well, /
do declare, If them amt bigger string beans
than | ever saw in my life"
''Lay of your overcoat or you won't feel
1t when you 60 out, said the landlord of .
Western inn TO o guest who was sitting by the
fire. That's what I'm afraid Of" returned
the man. The last time I was here [ laid
off my overcoat. I didn't feel it when I
went out and | haven't felt it since
Chicago water has to be boiled before it is
fit 70 drink It is mighty i%nconvenient for a
thirsty Chicagoau to have to wait in a saloon
until the bartender boils him q glass Of wa
ter, so he surmounts the difficulty by calling
for q glass Of whisky, which doesn't require
any cooking. The Chicago intellect is equal
to any emergency
The minister asked the Sunday school.
"With what remarkable weapon did Sam
son at one time STAY the Philistines r. For
q while there was no answer, and the minis
tex, to assist the children q little, commenced
tapping his jaw with the tips Of his fingers,
at the same time saying. whats this
what's this?" Quick as thought a little fel-
low. quite innocently replied, 1.-THE jawbone /