The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-05-11
The Automatic Liar.

The Automa Liar.
He came in gently but firmly, and felt in
his pocket for something. Finally he found
what looked q little like an egg-beater and
some like 8 new kind of speed Indicator.
II want to show you" he said kindly, ssan
o61ce-dial to hang ON your door, SO that when
you are away your clients will know where
you are, and when you will return. For in
stance, by turning the thumb-screw, the dial
will show:
"At court,
AT dinner,
cat supper,
"At bank. MAm @n.
cat p%ost-ofice,
etc., ETC., etc., with the time you will return.
There are sixty-four combinations which
cover all cases Of this kind necessary for the
man Of business, and it is no doubt the great
est achievement of mechanical ingenuity.
Price, $3.50"
'tNo," said Dir. Observation-Disclosures
chaw, sthere are twenty-seyen reasons why
IL WCulu NOt NC hQfl5dDIC " ~ w pu1CAdGS
your automatic bulletin. Firstly, I nave but
one client, and he can not read. He would
only come and look at the indicator and kick
it all to pieces and swear and go away. Sec
ondly, your machine is incomplete, anyway
The inventor has signally failed to meet the
popular want. It would only be an aggrava-
ton to the average attorney.
II can think Of a hundred things that
ought to be added to q truthful indicator.
%supposing that I have gone to the circus, or
to q meeting Of the vestry, or suppose I am
drunk, or at a reunion of the z. M. G. A., or
out to eat q Glove with a member Of the bar,
or at a camp meeting, or putting up the
clothes-line at home !? Or, going still further,
suppose I am wringing out the clothes, or
setting bread, or taking a bath, or wrestling
with the delirium tremens, or toning down q
rebellious corn, or putting Paris green on my
squash bugs, or inspecting microscopically
the homeopathic fragment Of ice that the
kind-hearted ice man has prescribed for me?
'Or, going still further into detail, suppos-
ing that I am dead and cannot state with any
degree of accuracy where / am or when [
shall return, do you suppose that | would
herald q glittering $3.50 lie to the world by
saying that I WIGS at the barber shop and
would be back at 1920?
"Do you think / would pay $3.50 for a
machine to yicariously proclaim to the broard
universe that I was at the bank, when [ have
M huaiuasa with tho hank 2
'tDo you suppose that I would advertise
that | was at the post Office when I was at the
beer garden, or assert that I was at the court
house, when, as a matter Of fact, l was at
that moment having q preparation of lemon
peel and other chemicals arranged for myself
and another invalid in q cool retreat down
town?
mo, sir / spurn you and your cast-iron
preyaricator. i promised my dying mother,
who afterwards recovered, that | would never
lie by machinery.
"If / cannot lie enough to keep up with
the growing demand, / will resign like q man
and not call to my aid q cheap Jim Crow,
hand-me-down-liar, costing $3.50 only.
ssAlWays do right, and then you will never
be put to shame.
If you wish, you can leave the hall door
ajar as you go out the main entrance"
Exit advance agent at the upper left hand
entrance, orchestra playing something soft
and yielding.
---mp~@@sstAw-