Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1881-04-20
FUNNYGRAPHS.

and hold your feet to the fire. That will
burn EN- off.-Detroit Free Press.
The Lowell Courier says that the first
black Friday occurred in Robinson Cru
soe's time
MARKET scene-in two fats: Gus
toner "That meat is tainted" Butcher
(smelling)-"No faint
Crock Me TO SLEEP, MOTHER" was
composed by an old maid who never
rocked baby in all her born days.
PURCHASER: "How much for eggs ?"
Grocer: "Forty eight cents per dozen"
Purchaser: "Forty-eigh cents?'' Gro
GER: "Eggsactly." Purchaser: Eggs
orbitant!' Eggsit purchaser.
You don't know how it pains me to
punish you," said the teacher. ssI
guess there's the most pain at my end of
the stick, replied the boy, feelingly.
""T any rate, I'd be willing to swap"
The duke of Norfolk had diphtheria a
year ago. He vowed he would build
church If he got well, and he is now
keeping his VOW. An American would
have cured his throat for fifty cents and
red rag.-Detroit Free Press.
"AND pray, Mr.. Lamb, how do you
like children?" asked a good foolish
body who had been singing the praises
OF babies "B-b-boiled, MAN," slut
tered the inimitable Charles, to the
great establishment and indignation of
the questioner.
OUT in Leadville, when one is intro
duced to stranger, the polite thing is
to ask, "What was your name before you
came here?' The next question, ac-
cordlng to the rules of etiquette, is,
Chow did you manage to escape pr
OIL city Derrick.
| Nor a parlor match: $50 YOU mar
ried old Heavipenny's eldest, I hear?"
said the friend. eyes," said the young
Inforit, 81 have" "Good match? ?"
| asked the friend. CT guess so, sighed
the bridegroom, YEARLY; "heaps of
birthstone to it.
ONLY few days ago Gus De Smith
went to portrait painter to have his pic
ture painted. The artist asked him If
he wanted ittwo-thirds life-size. emo"
was the reply, edo you think I want to
look like was two-thirds dead? I want
it full size, like was full of life. "-Gal-
veston NeWs.
A BLIND man, at his own request, was
permitted to go down thousand feet in
one of the California mines to stake a
look at the underground workings" An
attendant gave him light, remarking af-
terward that he "always did to visitors
it was the right and proper thing to
do"
SCENE: Nurse bringing in a small
boy (crying) to his mother. Nurse
Please'm, isn't Master Tommy to go to
bed now? Tommy-No, ma, I don't
want to! We're all playing at parlia-
ment IN the nursery, and we've arranged
to have an all-nig ht sitting, and I'm in
charge of the bill. Boohoo!-Fana.
"CAN minister marry himself - is
the questionable heading of an item 60
ing the newspaper rounds. No, he can't;
but suppose he could, what amusement
would it be to him to kick himself out of
bed in the morning, or growl because he
did not get up first and start the fire p
Detroit Free Press.
TIE reason given by the colored man
for not going too near the hind legs of
a famous roam mule was so satisfactory
that we can afford to adopt it as an
excuse for not doing great many other
things. "Me reason, he said, ''why
I nebber 'proach dat roam mule from
de rear is dat I'm too fond of my family
an don't belong to no church, nudder"
ga SCIENTIST named Mivert will soon
issue a work on the cat,' says the New
Haven Register. We've done that al
ready. 1t was heavy copy of Shakes
peare's plays, and we issued it from a
third story window, and it took her right
in the shoulder, and we hope it broke
/ her blamed back.-Boston Post.
"AH, waiter, you may bring me
plaque with dozen raws painted on it.
don't care to indulge my appetite TO
excess, you see. I'm invited out this
evening" "No painted plaques this
evening, " said the waiter. "Not this
EVENING"" Andthe aesthetic young man
wendell his way to his mothers pantry,
where he made the cold corped-beef dis
appear like sunshine before blizzard.
"Pa, what is ensilage?" "Why-
h'm-ensiage, my son, is--ur-en silage
| is-ho, something like mucilage; used
to stick things together, you know.
| There, now, run away to your play, and
don't disturb me now" And that boy
thinks his pa is very encyclopedias of
wisdom. Happy child! Ere many years
elapsed the boy will think he knows ev-
erything and his pa nothing. Happy
childhood!-Bostoa Transcript.
How many hundred times in personal
history has it happened that pictures,
etc., have fallen down from nails on
which they have been hanging for years,
at the precise moment when somebody
was not under them? His Lordship of
Worcester had one of those narrow es-
capes the other day. A marble tablet
fell off the wall, and the result might
have been fatal to his lordship, fractur-
ing his skull, and enlivening promotion
in the church-if it had not happened
that his lordship was not underneath the
tablet when it fell.
1T was the merry, merry house-clean-
ing time, and when he stepped airily out
of bed in the morning he tried to hold