The daily Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1878-1???, 1881-01-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

"Sit DOWN. said a nervous old
gentleman to his son, who was making
too much noise. II won't do it," was
the impudent answer. "Well, then,
stand up, will be obeyedr'
"Old woman, how do you sell beetsp"
asked New Orleans hummer of an old
vegetable woman in the French market.
Looking at him from head TO foot, she
replied: "Wen Ihav some like you vas,
sell dem two for cent apiece.'-
NeW Orleans Times
Waiter-''Do you wish TO be called in
the morning, sirP" Guest--"Yes, sir"
Waiter-"When will you be called, sire"
Guest-"That depends upon how feel
in the morning. | am very tired now.
I'll ring for you when | shall desire to
be called"
At the baccarat table, just as the
dealer has given the cards to the players,
news is brought Of the death of one OF
the habitues. The punters look sadly
over their hands and murmur brief and
broken tributes to the departed. "Poor
fellow" says the dealer, laying down
his cards; 'now he knows whether one
ought to stand on five"
Calling on a girl nowadays is rather
perilous amusement. 1t isn't every
man who knows what to say when con-
fronted with a hideously ugly curtain
and asked, "Why don't you remember |
was working on that at Swampscott that
afternoon when you came down to tea,
and you suggested that alteration in
the design yourself"
The Buffalo Express wants to know
who invented kissing. We don't think
it was ever invented, it Just came kind
O. natural, like shock of sugar-coated
electricity. Our first mother, in her
maiden innocence, asked Adam to tell
her if her back hair was all right, and
we presume he couldn't help it. We
couldn't if we had been Adam, and the
girls mother away at a prayer-meeting.
-Ne,o York Commercial Advertiser.
There's something about your
daughter" Mr.. Wanghog said reflect
lively, there's something about your
daughter" Yes" said old Mr.
Thistlepod, ''there is. have noticed it
myself. 1t comes every evening about
eight o'clock, and it doesn't get away
usually till about two. And some of
these nights am going to lift it all the
way out from the front parlor to the
side gate and see what there is in it."
An Oil City Irishman having signed
the pledge was charged soon afterwards
with having been drunk. Twas me
observation-disclosures" said Pat, IAN a
habit | have of talkin' wild meself.
sed to meself SEE l, Pat, COON in an
have drink, No. seq |, I've
sworn off, Thin I'll drink alone SEE
| to meself An I'll wait for yez out
side SEE |. An whin mesef cum out,
faith and he was dhrunk. w
A Boston man besought his wife, he
being but three years married, for the
privilege of a night key. might key9"
She exclaimed, in tones of amazement,
'what use can you have for night key
when the woman's Emancipation league
meets Monday night, the Ladies Domes
tic mission Tuesday, Sisters of Jericho
Wednesday, the Woman's Science Circle
Thursday, the Daughters of Nineveh
Friday, and the Woman's Progressive
Art association, and the Suffrage band
on alternate Saturday nights. You
stay at home and see that the baby
doesn't fall out of the cradle" He
stays.
A Cleveland lawyer, defending q
handsome young lady charged with
larceny, closed his appeal to the jury
thus Gentlemen! you may hang the
ocean on grapevine to dry, lasso an
avalanche, pin napkin to the mouth
of avolcano, skim the clouds from the sky
with ateaspoon, throw salt on the tail OF
our noble American eagle, whose sleep
less eye watches over the welfare of
our nation, paste For rent on the
stripes and stars; but never for a
moment delude yourself with the idea
that this charming girl is guilty of the
charge preferred against her" The
jury acquitted her without leaving their
seats