South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-06-17
WIT AND HUmoR

recent blame Methodist conference N
q clergyman ought 20 run for Con
gross. The Bishop thoughtfully re,
picd I &c, yes, when it is perfectly
evident tifat nc is lit Cor nothing else
After short visit two ladies are
about TO pay their compliments to the
Countess Santa-Grue and take their
departure. Pray she says, gracious
~, remain q little longer sIndecd.'
answers one Of the ladies', in her most
winning way, 'Were | to stay an
other five minutes l should never be
able to go, Whispering to the other
lady, for should be fast asleep
"A meddlesome old woman was
sneering at young mothers awk.
wardness and her infant, and said Il
declare, woman never ought to have
baby unlese she Knows how 10 hold
IT.. Nor tongue, either, unless she
knows how to hold it, was the quiet
rejoinder.
a scolding Wifc-'Tis only the
husband OF q scolding woman who
has any dread of Ter. At other
hands than his she once i'll while
gets her due. When DR.. South paid
IL visit 10 DR.. Watcrland the latter
asked HIM TO stay to dinner The la
dy OF the house was so Insulting about
the extra trouble that she was put TO
that her husband said, in n pet, NV
dear, If 1t were not for the presence
OF stranger ! should certainly pun.
lsh you avs you Deserve This was
before the day of woman's rights. DIR.
South looked up quietly from his book
and said, DIR. ateiland, | beg you
not to make stranger of me, but to
proceed as though l were not here.
A stock broker returning to his Of
lice the other day, after substantial
luncheon with his client, said, com.
placcntly to his head clerk Mr.. Put
kin, the world looks different to a
N IN when he has q bottle ofchampagne
III him. Yes, SIR replied the clerk,
significantly, and he looks different
to the world
How things do grow this weather.
SAID the deacon to Brother Amos.
Yes, they do, replied the brother.
Last night | heard you say you caught
forty fish, and this morning | heard
YOU tell Mr. Smith it WIS one hun.
dred and fifty
Wen, I'm getting about tired of
this'ere life,' said an ultra specimen
oi the genus tramp. Going half STAR
ved one day and drcnched to the skin
another sleeping one night in a barn,
the next under hodge and the third
IN tie lookup this life isn't what il
used to be. Tell yer what It's bows.
lt't wasn't for the looks OF Tie thing
I'd go to work
a new game is announced for eve.
ning parties. The ladies write their
names upon slips ofpapcr, place them
III pals OF yarn, Irvine on rags, and
when they arrive at the party they
put the balls in a basket. Before
leaving the gentlemen draw out a
ball apiece and tallo home the LADY
whose name Is found inside the ball
''But, my deah felah,' said the
newly arrived Englishman to the
Gal veston hack driver who had call
cd BIN Colonel But my deah fellah,
/ don't belong to the army, yer know,
That don't make any difference:
here III Galveston We call almost ev-
cry loalcr and dead.beat Colonel or
Major. Have a kerrid@e, General q
The number Of one armed young
Mcn seen driving ont with young Ia.
dies these summer evenings is truly
appalling. An old soldier at our cl.
bow says that one arm is invariably
lost during an engagement.
Joe says that the best lip salve in
creation is kiss The remedy should
be used with great care, as it may
bring on on affection of the heart.
When is lady's hair like news .
When II is found in the morning
papers.
Many man who thinks himself a
great gun IS nothing more than 4 big
bore.
Very often young man inagincs
himself to be q perfect brick, when
he really isn't more than half baked.
a Wisconsin man advertised for q
wife. The forty answers lie got in
less than week proves the power
~ the press.
Cincinnati lawyers don't take all
thepropcrty their clients have. They
leave a. man enough to buy dose Of
poison
'ihc difference said the cook. ,la-
tween a child OF royal birth and q
Young lamb, is that The first is tended
~ spIcnlor aud the other is splendid
q tcuIcr'
'Aiarlc' what's that strange noise
at the gate 2 Cats, sir Cats Well.
when / was young cats didn't wear
,oyeplpc hats and smoke cigars.
.Imnl nrr nhnn-,nl 90,