Daily Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1876-1884, 1881-12-21
DEsP0NDENT HEALTH OFFICER.
Doctor Winston INDUCES in Some Philosophiz-
ing on Matters and Things in Los Angeles
A Lament and q Retrospect.

Passing in front of the First Ma
tional Bank this morning our
,, reporter ran into the arms of oul
. genial and efficient Heslth Officer.
Both raised hats. began to explain,
and conversation, somewhat like
this, took place:
Reporter-I beg pardon, Doctor.
hope you're not much jerred. Both
pretty heavy men, you know. But
you seem in hurry?
Doctor--Hurry Well, should
think I was. Busy is Il boy kill
ing three snakes.
Reporter-What! more births ?
More happy mothers and excited
fathers
| Doctor--No, sir, no such thing.
Births are a good thing. EDcour.
ages strangers to settle here. But
this thing I'm worrying about is a
dastardly attempt to run the town
down.
just at this juncture two females
emerged from Ponet & Orr's fu-
neral navigating shop, and as they
passed, one, with face like y
Ratchet, remarked: "Well, she
never looked so we'll or SO pretty
in all her life before ~
There, said the irate Doctor,
there is an instance in point. Po-
net & Orr have gone into the BUSH
ness OF embalming the dead, and
they make them look so we'll that
their friends hardly think them
dead. Those females have been in
to look at lady friend, ana old
vinegar face there, full of spite,
says she never looked so we'll in
her life before. Confound it! III
bet you the cigars that woman
goes away and commits suicide be.
fore Tomorrow this time, 50 as to
look "better than she ever has be-
fore in her life.o If it isn't putting
q premium on mortality you can
knock me down. Consequence Is
our death rate has iucrea ed over
ten per cent. in the past, two
months.
just here another Interruption
took place. The most frightfuI
shrieks rang from the hallway of
the Masonic Block. Our reporter
rushed In the direction of the dole
full sounds, when the Doctor caught
him by the sleeve. "Oh, see here;
you must sbe nervous. That's
nothing but Doc Palmer, the dem
list, pulling the tooth of one of thu
new candy mans victims. You
don't know the new candy man
Well. l would advise you to make
his acquaintance. Go aud look "a
the man make stomach aches for
innocent children. See him mau-
ufacture toothache drops by the
million; cough candy, red candy,
white candy, yellow candy, candy
red inside and white outside, candy
that sticks your jaws together AMI
the wretch makes it right under
your nose! Shows you his clean
white sugar, puts it into his clean
boiler, boils 1t under your keenest
gaze, tries it with "a stick To see f
it is done enough and then slaps iS
QUITO q cool marble slab to cool
enough to let him throw it with u
| graceful swing of his hand over Il
big hook in the wall and pull it
till it is just right, and then babies
cry for it, and mothers sigh for it,
and fathers pay for 1t; and now and
then some Innocent loses
a tooth, and some other cases have
mysterious pains in the bowels.
u nd Tho Pa mi txy L.,
know that in time [ will find the |
name of that little Innocent on my
death list, and so you see they all
conspire to swell the mortality of |
the town. Who's that?
Reporter-A new physician.
Doctor-What! Well, there IL is
againl All the old chronic cases
that owe all the old practitioners
Twill flock to these new fellows and
the consequence will step in next
month when make my report ont
and see what the result Will be.
| Now there's another danger star
ing us in the face. The
three first class hotels of the
town are vieiug with each
other rs to which shall spread
the best table. All very nice for
permanent boarders, but let some
hungry drummer VINO has not had
u drink since passing Latbrop, eat
one of these way up meals, and ril
be doll baby If he don'C run the
risk OF death by apeplexy or a
surfeit Now, Mr.. Reporter, all
these thugs go long way to
make lengthy death list am
obliged to send copies of my list to
all the principal cities of the East
and West. What IL the conse :
quence? They say Los Angelesl
Why 1t seems good many die
there! Can't he all consumptives
from the East, and II
can't explain coherently in
my reports, and the conse-
quence will be that San Diego,
with her laundering new railroad,
and her bay and climate, and no
health returns, will crow like one
ans will just chuckle. and, as I |
said, before there has got to be a
change IN statistics by some means
or this unfortunate resigns from
office Alb, me! Would the good
old times were here again, when
we had man for breakfast every
morning, and som etimes two, and
nothing ever said about it, either. |
No Health Officer to sing his song
of death to all the Eastern cities.
No, sir! Just few of the boys
gathered that evening and planted
the laid-out one with fitting core
mony. Oh, those were the times,
1 tell you! Never heard about
Jack Barrett killing Jim?-Got a
chew of tobacco about you? No! |
You're newspaper man! Well, |
the blight is upon us. On, Lordl
there comes old He'll talk us
to death! Run, Mr.. Reporter!
And the good Doctor plunged