Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1881-09-07
"Them Doctors"

1 had Just unfolded the daily and set
tled back in the seat for a pull at the
news, when she reached over and poked
me in the neck with her yellow parasol
and called cut:
HAS them tarnal doctors killed the
President yet p
She was an old-fashioned, motherly
woman, never travelling without vial OF
peppermint, and having a hawks eye
for every patch of smartweed and bunch
of catnip along the line.
''The President is able to sit up"
II don't believe it-don't believe one
end of no such story" she said as she
left her bundles and boxes and parcels,
and came over to share my seat.
"But the papers say so. ~
'sI don't keer two cents for no papersl
1 tell you the President hasn't bin doc
tored right any of the time, an nobody
kin make me believe that he's gettin,
better. Young man, are you doc
tor %
''No, ma'am."
s'You needn't mann me, because I'm
d plain woman. It's pity you amt a
doctor, fer could prove We humbug
in about tw minits Do You know
what is killing off so many folks in this
country 2"
'1t's death, isn't it %
s'Of course it's death-death and the
doctors And them doctors have done
their very best to kill the President
Do you remember what they done the
day he was shot p
s'Um. Let's seei Probed for the
ball and gave him morphine, didn't
they ?"
''They did, she replied, as she
jammed the parasol in my ribs. ''That's
Just what killed my nephew IN the army.
He was shot by cannon ball and them
doctors probed and probed and probed,
and when they had got around to decide
that the ball had gone clean through
him and knocked off the roof Of barn
half mile away, the poor boy was dead.
Morfeenl / have saved over 100 nay
burs from the grave, and l never sot
ewes on morfeen How much L have
pitied the poor President, and how l
have wished was there J"
"What for ?"
''What fur? Why, to turn them tar
nal doctors out doors, and have the
President ont chopping wood in four
weeks 1t makes me billing mad to read
their way of treating him.
.'What would you have done 2"
Don't ask NEEDN'T ask me L feel
like spanking the hull crowd! Have
you read the papers every day ?"
"Yes."
..Well, have YOU read that they have
soaked his feet one single time since the
Gay he was shot %
.'No."
''Of course you haven't! Did they
put horse-radish drafts on his feet 2
''Not once"
"Have tuey given him smartweed
sweat ?"
''No."
:'Or tried mustard pouit.ces %
s'No."
HAS he had n single cup of catniI
tea since the day he was shot?'
"No."
"Have they used any faxseed about
him?"
NO"
"Haven't heard of them digging any
gingsen, sarsaparilla, wild turnip, sweet
flag, burdock or sweet sicily?"
"No."
"No you haven'tr' she exclaimed, as
she just missed my nose with that ami
able parasol. "All they've done is to
talk about his perspiration being up to
1O2, his normal pulse and his temper.
ature from 80 to 9S. If it was me my
temperature would be up to 300 and I'd
make things hum! It's the shame,
facedest case 1 ever heard of, and you
Just mark what 1 tell ye-that them
tarnal doctors will sniff at lobelia and
number six and turn up their noses al
mustard plasters till all of sudden the
President will begin to sink, and ever
cold tea and mutton tallow won't save
him y