The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1881-07-31
uuworous fsems.

Humorous Ttems.
lbs mean farmer who WIZ nave Ms
house burned at tbs season OF Tue year,
Hchen he has lot OF city relatives thinking
they ought to get out OF town.
One Of the worst cases Of wire-pulling OF
recent date is that of dog that caught hold
of a lady's hoopskirt and yanked II on.
The blow has fallen. A Boston paper
speaks OF ignorance" as "Bliss." We
have been expecting this joke, so called, for
some time, but II is sad to see II reyamped
In estbetic Boston.
II Is now suggested, IN view OF the
strained relations between Sitting Bull and
che United States, that some romantic Cau-
casian lady marry the dusky savage, and
THUS restore the entente cordt0te.
Some Of the Ponca philanthropisls are as
mad as they can be because Ti6bles went
and married bright Eyes" They were
hooking that way themselves-that Is to say,
those who are unincumbered.
The Detroit Free Press says that Don
Piatt has been twice caned, three times
/ horsewhipped, and twice shot at, outside OF
several small affairs In which he was Knock
cd down and left for dead, and yet bird
sings in his heart all day long. That IS be-
cause he has never been called upon TO act
as umpire at base ball match.-Ne,o York
ComMsercidt Advertiser.
The Boston Post says that tXPresident
HAYES passes most Of his days swinging in
hammock and wondering why no one shot
him. This is bammocking way OF speaking
Of our Temperance brother.
"What arc your pOitics?" the chaplain
OF the Iowa Denitentiary asked an inteli-
cent.lookiue convict. al have not come
Out for ANYBODY yet," replied the convict,
gazing placidy through the bars.
A barkeeper being asked what his pro-
fes,on was, said he was gentleman OF ele'
CANT leisure, and throw'd ice for drinks.
A New Orleans critic becomes somewhat
mixed up, and speaks Of John the Baptist
"a a centaur, or rather as a man whose head
was on charger.
London Truth: 81 demand the abolition
Of three tbings-the chimney.pOt hat, black
trousers in the evening and black coats in
the morning during summer"
"And so Miss Golden is married at
last, eh?" said Mrs. Pinaphor TO Mrs.
| Badger. "And pray, whom did she
marry?" 90" replied Mrs. Badger,
" haven't you heardY 1t is perfectly shock
| ing, and her friends must be utterly scan
dalized!" "YOu don't say! exclaimed
Mrs. PinaphoI. "Why, is her husband a
bad MANA forgcr, counterfeter, high
way rObber, or anything that way ~ 40,
a hundred times worse" explained Mrs.
Badger, with a shocked expression; "she
married wood-pulp manufacturer"
Mrs. Badger has been reading the Demo-
cratic comments on the election OF one OF
| New YOrk's new senators, and 1t is not sur
prising that sac regards a wOOd-pulp manu-
| facturer a thousand times worse than a
| highway rObber. NOTtStoUn Herald.
There was an old story about woman
whose spectacles were lost for three years,
and were at last accidentally found between
the leaves OF her Bible. That story had
good run in its day, but is now little
threadbare, and must give way 10 new one
Of the same general character, which is told
| by young lady who, bent on benevolent
work, paid visit to friend She says
81 casually opened a Bible on the drawing
room table while waiting for my friend.
There was folded piece of paper inside,
and it was marked U couldn't help seeing
| I'D Recipe for punches My friend entered
at the moment and | handed it to her.
why, where in the world did you get
that = she asked; PVe been looking for
it for six MONTHS"
UNCONsIDERED TRIPLES.
Gus De Smith is very much in the habit
OF picking up unconsidered trl1es. - ne
happens to be cOnverslOg near fruit-stand
he will inadvertently eat one plum after an
| other until he is requested TO stop. WeuSed
| TO think il was inadvertence until yesterday
| he refused 10 enter a saloon with Gilhooly,
remarking, Let us 90 TO some other 81.
loon; the matches that fellow keeps are too
long to tit my yeSt-pocket."
SMALLPOX PHILOSOPHY.
Charley Smallface is q nice little boy and
| his mother Just bought him q note-bOOk that
be may iot down little matters that may be
useful to him. He fooled around all day
yesterday trying to think Of something
original and goodsenough to write" and
| Just before he went TO bed he scribbled on
the first page: " I've always noticed that
hand.Organ man who carries monkey
never makes as good music as one who
don't. Moral: One attraction at time Is
as good as a whole shoW."-Netc Haven Re
giSter.
| EvIDENCN OF MIRACLE.
| III IOulSS vi NNN OliS1bS3 WIZ - SOliN
thing Of a wag. called on a cOlored minister
and propOunded few puzzlDg questions.
Why is it," said he, " that you are not able
to do the miracles that the apostles did
They were protected against all pOlsOns and
all kinds OF peris; how is it that you are
not protected in the same way?" The CO.
lored brother responded promptly; Don't
know about that, doctor; s'pect is. Pve
taken mighty sight OF strong medicine
from YOU, and IS alive yet."-NeD Or
leans Times.
| SURE BET.
jenkins was travelling In Missouri last
yesr Just before the presidential election,
and in The car right across from him two
men were arguing rs TO the probable result
OF the election. Says one: HancOck's the
maa." "No, sir; Gartield'll get it," was
the reply. Suddenly an Adventist, sitting
behind them, spoke up and said: "My
friends, do you know who is to be our next
President? 1t is the Lord, who is coming
at oace, with his angels, 10 reign" Quick
as thought, jenkins, who imagined that
some third-party candidate had been men,
toned, sprang up, slapped the MilIerite on
the shoulder and cried out 80 Bet you TWEEN
iy.fiye dollars he don't carry Missouri. -
| DeS HOineS (I0lod1 Mail.
How 90 Set Ha sbaHd.
The Devonshire young ladies have a
fancy that on ST, Valentines day they can,