The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-07-22
ALLEGED siTs OF WIT.

y, ~. AtLE9EU. BIVS OF WIT.
/ The fool thinks he has argued q case whe
he offers to betty. o. Picayune.
l. A ysung lady in New York has appropri
ately named her dog Penny, because At wa
! one sent to her.
Glass eyes for horses are now made will
such perfection that even the animals them
selves can't see through the deception.
| In Texas when . man wants TO commit su
icide he steals horse, says his prayers an,
calmly awaits the inevitable result. .i -H
"What's an name? A collection Of tel
bar rooms and three beer shops Is called
watering plsce.-Boston Transcript. '' +t
II Prometheus had been up to snuff h
would have used liver pad and fooled th'
yulture. ~ Hilliamsport breakfast Table.
It 10 wonderful how . thousand dolla
trotter shrinks away Into the hide Of . sev
enty-Rvs dollar plug when the assessor come
| around.
The editor Of the Paris North Texan say,
he will not advertise saloon In his paper
Where will he advertise hs On his nose2 -
TEXAS Sytings. ta.s o..
"oh, paps, look at that man riding ths
big spinning wheel!" Is the way down
country little girl directed the paternal atten
ton to spassing bicyclist. Tribune
It is now announced that General Gran,
will become an editor. The General is dc.
terrainec to keep right along until he reaches
the highest point of honor atsAinsble BY
mortal man. But to succeed he must write
more and talk less. .'''
A man named Tschaikorokoriskwsky wa
arrested in New York few days ago. II
took four policemen to arrest him. One led
him to the station house, and the other three
followed after with his name on push-cart.
-Norristo,rn Herald.
Some fellows when they try to captivste a
girl "catch ata-ts."-Puck. And become .
ma-ta.-N. Y. Com. Advertiser. Where do
you people get your ds-ta?-Boomerang
from the boot Of her ps-ps, that's what's the
ma-ta.-Oa City Derrick. ga f
snow the chowder's In the pot, and the
days are getting hot, and we all begin to
swelter with swelt, swelt, swels. While
the crimson lemonade through straw en-
chants the maid, who displays . bunch Of
flowers at her belt, belt, be elt."--Puck.
Young lady-"x have called, Mrs. Brown,
TO ask you why your children do not attend
the Sunday school now, ~ they used. Do
they not like going?" Mrs. Brown" Oh,
yes, miss, they likes goin' well 'nough; it's
the stayin' after they gifts there as they don't
like. London Fun.
An American revision of the New Tests-
ment is talked Of. The next thing we know
people will clamor for State revision, and
pretty soon each man and woman will revise
the Scriptures TO suit him or herself. Then
we'll have temperance revision and IN anti-
temperance revision; Democratic revision,
. aRcpublscan revisisp and Gresnbsck- Labor
revision that permits Aahing on Sunday and .
revision that prohibits angling on that day.
-A-.A>- A--Ahs1- ---s-..--- au~.aIa
Vegetable slang: "l,n nashsd on you"
said the potato 10 the vegetable dish. "Bus
you were stuck with the fork, /" said the dish,
before you were spoony on me-" "Giye n,
. rest" said the knife, "dont yoa see, the
salad dressing?r ",You are sly, air, with
your cutting remarks" !" observed the napkin;
" zee how red the lobster b." "whAi . little
wiper the napkin is,", ,murmured the 1Aspsra-
gus. I" You are not very well bred, although
you are brought up on toast" said the table
cloth. "What damask cheek you have"
splustesed the vinegar; ats sour opinion
you will be. spotted pretty soon." aAren't
you little Of your beet?" asked the salt.
"Saline, old fellow" cried the mustard. ~
suppose you think you are smart, ? said the
pepper, hotly. sou have TO slip In here"
said the cruet, swsesly, "if you fellows arc
going 70 season each other In this style.r
Here the bread loafed In with the crusty re-
mark that he would abe buttered /" IL he ever
got into such company. "You can't get
ahead Of u.s. said the cabbage. "What Is
going toturnip mex? ? = ,said the, caniifower;
~ believe yon are all drunk. ! know the
beef 10 corned.n "Sit on him and We will
have peas" .shoured the beans. ~ can't"
said the cauli6ower,"I have just had boil"
: He y dished. By gravy, cried the butter
boat. II am accustomed. TO jars" said the
olive, shut ~ child Of the desert advise
you to cheese it.n The champagne had just
rnnrmured to the glass, " III pop, my dear, ~
soms Of these coarse fellows arc out Of the
way" when the dinner bell said, ~ am GO
Ing to ring In myself, now, and everything
will be laid on the table. ."-Boston CONNER
cial Builetin.