Connecticut western news., 1881-07-27
WIT AND WISDOM.

THE comet Is now on the go it.
 "SLEEPINa out loud' is the latest def milton for snoring.
 IT does not follow that the man who has no front teeth is back bitter.
 WE are constantly hearing of ocean piers. As if the the ocean ever had peer
 ''THE Torpedo and the Whale, with variations, was given by the small boy on the Fourth. The whale part of it he got when he got home.
 IT WAS said of Boston philosopher that he had grown to be so tall that he had forgotten most of the incidents that occurred during his childhood.
 WHEN you say in praise of a man that he is tried man your judgment is made more valuable by adding the name of the court in which the trial took place.
 Do all the good you can,
 In all the ways you can,
 To all the people you can,
 At all the times you can,
 AS long as ever you can.
 THE boy who loved his country most on the Fourth is now thinking that if he had about four more bandages or five less fingers he could make things come out just about even.
 "THE Dean-' We'll, I'm glad you're getting on we'll in your new place, E.. call and see you.' Jemima-'Oh, sir, missus don't allow no followers r"
 IF YOU should never worry about Q misfortune until it actually happened you are. We borrow trouble as naturally as we would like to borrow money.
 ONE of the very worst things for the eyesight is to tell a man bigger than yourself that his veracity is doubted. One instance of this kind has often de- stroyed persons sight for months.
 It does not follow because you and your wife both agree on one point namely, that you want to be master, that you should therefore have peace full and harmonious household.
 A VERY tall man was in the streets of Boston, when an old lady, who admired his gigantic stature, thus addressed him "Mister, were you large when you were small ?" "Yes, marm, I was con- siderable big when I was little"
 A BROWN University man would have taken the first prize for the ethical oration this Spring, only he caught his foot in the third base and was thrown about eleven feet, and the short put the ball on him before he could get home.
 "CoME, Bob, get up" said au indul- gent father to his hopeful son, the other morning, "remember, the early bird catches the worm." "What do care for worms? ?" replied the young hope full; "mother won't let me go a-fshing."
 CT always call things by their right names," said old Ben Blunt, and then, sure as you are born, if he dind't go and call bucket pail, or pail bucket, we're not particular which; it just depends on whether this paragraph is read out West or in New England.
 LONDON Truth complains because young ladies have taken to driving gigs in Hyde Park, while sitting beside groom. It wonders what ladies would say if young gentlemen drove in their gigs with good looking ladys maid seated in close proximity.
 THE farmer who told Lord Lands downe that he was so accustomed to the company of honest, plain spoken people" that he felt out of place in the presence of His Lordship showed that the simple truth is sometimes the sharpest kind of sarcasm.
 EDMUND YATES, speaking of the habit that Russians have of beating their servants, and probably their friends, says:-"I have myself seen the Governor of Tauris skipping the face of postmaster right and left, and most funnily saying at the same time. I beg most humbly."
 DOWN in Salem the other day bright little girl was sent to get some eggs, and on her way back stumbled and fell ,mak- ing sad havoc with the contents of her basket. "Won't you catch it when you get home, though P exclaimed her com- panion. "No, indeed, won't" she an- , swered, "I've got grandmother. A BEvY of little children were telling : their father what they got at school. The eldest, reading spelling and defni- } tions. "And what do you get, my little l one ?" said the father to rosy checked l little fellow, who was at that time silly 3 driving 8 tenpenny nail into the panel l of the door. "Me? Oh, I gets readln' , 7 spellin' and spankinns. 3 "WHAT kind of house do you wantp" 5 asked the architect. "Oh," replied the 3 citizen, wearily, 'I don't want 8 house l at all. I just want you to build me three tiers of closets, like jail cells one hundred and thirty closets to tier, and . put roof over the top tier. I want to put up house that will contain enough 3 closets to satisfy my wife,"
 SOME men are so stupid (Scene at the Vavasour's dance). Waltzer (te hostess fair daughter) glad to find you alone at last, Miss Vavasour. Miss , Vavasour-"You are-very kind. Walt, z zer-''Not at all. But, tell me, you are < not engaged ?" Miss VaVasour-"No-o. ' U Waltzer-"Then may I hope" Miss :, Vavasour-"Oh, really, Captain Flaw, . ley-you must talk to Mamma" Waltz :. CT (blankly) What about 2" TMosi