Democratic messenger., 1881-11-12
WIT AND WISDOM.

The Lockport Union says thermome-
ters are now enjoying a we'll earned
vacation.
CAUSE and effect are not well balanced.
A man with very good cause often
makes little or no effect.
BHFoRE marriage she was dear and lie
was her treasure; but afterward she be-
came dearer and he treasurer.
The aesthetics of Boston are daily
gaining strength and assurance. They
now speak of hash as ''mosaic."
CoLERIDeE knew how to write poetry,
but he could not remove horse col
lar to save his life -ROchester Demo
crot.
DoN'T let your hearers be troubled by
the length of your sermon to-day; they
are not likely to be troubled by its
depth. \
THE charges at the siege of York
town were remarkable. The charges at
the celebration of it are no less re-
markable.-BufaL0 Courier.
No CHISAMAN ever asks for credit.
When he hasn't money enough to get
vent the loss of what little he has.
CLEANLINESS" we are told, sis next
to godIiness. Under these circum-
stances we may assume that soap is
next to charity; at all events, lets soap
so.
SOME star actors are allowed to say
that they get S100 per week when they
only receive S25. The S75 which they
lie about is supposed to advertise the
play.
IT is to be hoped that the foolish ca
diets of the Annapolis Academy have
been punished sufficiently to get the
haze seed out of their hair.-B0Ston But-
letiR.
"HAD drunk" is not good grammar,
according to Hdrper's Weekly. We
think so, too. "Was drunk is better,
and then it is more in accordance with
the facts, three times out of four.
STUDENT under examination in phys
les: "What planets were known to the
ancients?" "Well, sir, there were Venus
and Jupiter, and"-after a pause-"I
think the earth, bnt I'm not quite GER
tain"
A PROFESSOR of French in an Albany
school recently asked pupil what was
the gender of academy. The unusually
bright pupil responded that it depended
on whether it was a male or female
academy.
'I DoTE upon that girl said Smith.
"That makes the twentieth girl you
have dotted on within MONTH" re-
marked Henderson. ''It is about time
you had sown all your wild dotes,
Smith. boston Transcript.
ONE of the sadest condolences con-
nected with the great fire is that exactly
ten wears from the day on which the
calamity occurred the entire White
Stocking nine was re-engaged for the
season of 1S82.-Chicago Tribune.
A HOTEL proprietor in Canada, in a
business letter to this office, invites the
editor to make his home at the house
free of charge at any time, as long as he
wants to. That hotel man has got him.
self into terrible scrape IN case there
should be another war In this country.
Boston Post.
"GIvE examples" said an old back
number on the Board of Examiners,
addressing the ensign, ''of different de-
grees and velocities of motion. "Well,
said the ensign, ''the swiftest motion Is
that of light, and the slowest, by several
hundred degrees, is promotion" They
sent him back two years.
AN OLD fellow whose daughter had
failed to secure a position as teacher,
in consequence of not passing an exam
nation, said: ''They asked her lots of
things she didn't know. Look at the
history questions They asked her
about things that happened before she
was born How was she going to know
about them? Why, they asked her
about old George Washington and other
men she never knew That was
pretty sort of examination !"
A YoUNG gentleman who is very par
ticular about the getting up of his linen,
wrote a note to his laundress, and at
the same time sent one to the object OF
his affections. Unfortunately he put
the wrong address on the envelopes and
posted them. The woman was puzzled
but not in the least offended; but when
the young lady read: "If you rumple
up my shirt bosoms aud drag the but
tons off the collar any more, rs you did
last time, I shall have to go somewhere
else," she cried all the evening, and de-
clared she would never speak to HIM
again.
QUITE ANOTHER CASE.
"Good Justice, sternly sitting here
To hold your daily court.
To which with mingled hope and fear,
Our citizens resort.
A doleful tale have to tell,
That bears so hard on me.
And much fear prison cell
My punishment may be.
~ met man the other day,
With shield and coat of blue,
Who stopped nv course and blocked my way
And what was l to do2
l seized club, and broke his head,
And battered well his bones,
Until left him nearly dead
And bleeding on the stones.
With stalwart arms that helpless heap
Along the street drew.
And in a coal hole dark and deep,
The breathless body threw
"If this is truth that you have told"
Sternly the Judge replied,
"a prison cell your form Will hold
Until YOU can be tried.
You will be duly sentenced then,
And, for proper time
| Secluded from your fellow men.
You will repent your crime.
"Your pardon, Judge-the tale told
| Was not precisely true