The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1881-12-18
FUNNYGKAPHS,

good meal for a fast man--Hasty pud-
ding a good lunch for beat-Sponge
cake.
Classical: Julius, seize herl" said Sam
DO, as Julius was contemplating fat pullet
in the moonlight.
When dishonest young man steals
counterfeit money from his employer, he is
not expected to make 1t good.
A metaphysially inclined friend queries
"Is it not the cause Of the cause of the
thing caused, the cause OF the thing?"
Judging from the number of falling stars
il would seem tkat the heavenly bodies do
not always play successful engagement.
They tell us the time is coming when the
grasshopper shall be a burden. 1t is sim
cerely hoped it will be dead weight.
"Glove fighting is now what they call
the brutal sport" where men are knocked
senseless or killed to amuse an audience.
A little girl remarked 81 like grandpa,
because he is such a gentlemanly man he
always tells me 10 help myself to sugar"
Appearances are deceptive. One cheese
NAV seem to be the exact counterpart of
another and yet be a mighty sight richer.
A man who goes up in a balloon and
comes down all right is called Professor.
A man VINO goes up anu COlllSo uoNh All
wrong is called fool.
A noted firt of Akron, Ohio, is said to
have all her love letters bound in volume
for her parlor table. 1t is him-book, i'll
both long and short meet-her.
ASK no woman fer her age" says re-
cent writer on social ethics. Ofcourse not.
Ask her next best lady friend. She Will
never fail to give the information.
A Troy poet makes "mementoes' rhyme
with my ten toes" Such poetry should
be V-toed No matter how many feet Il
line may have, ten toes" is too much.
Rather slim: Save One Little Kiss for
Papa" is the title of the latest song. II
this remark is aimed at Chicago girl, with
four steady beauX, the old mans chances
are pretty slim.
"What is right in the concrete may be
left in the abstract" remarked Senator Al
ley, as he pulled his foot out OF his shoe,
and lett that article sticking in the new
made pavement.
"The Lord loveth a cheerful giver, " but
there's no use chucking copper cent INTO
the contribution box loud enough to make
folks on the back seats think the commun-
ion service has tumbled off the alter.
A servant girl wrote from New York to her
friends in Bangor, Maine, that she WORKED
in house called flats, and that they 90
from one story to another in ventilators,
and send their washing to the foundry.
Timmins has a bright idea' "What a
contradiction a watch isl" said Timmins."
"How so?" asked Mrs Timnins. why,
because it always keeps perfectly dry,
although it constantly has running
spring inside"
Advice thrown away: Husband and
wife, say some sage person, should no
more struggle to get the last word than
they should struggle for the possession OF a
lighted bomb" They don't The wife gets
1t without struggle.
what sunshine is to flowers smiles are
to humanity. They are but tribes, TO pc
sure, but scattered along life's pathway the
gooi they do is inconceivabe. Let us an
smile whenever we can, especially at the
other fellows expense"
An elephant was knocked down the
Other day at sheritfs sale for S1lVo ms
is considered very low, and, as the price
lagv advance ia a few days, 1t behooves
poor families TO purchase their winters
stock OF elephants now
"Keep vour fowls warm, says the agri-
cultural paper; and the advice is good and
timely. II The fowls are young have them
well dressed and stuffed WIN something
nice. and then the warmer you keep, them
for an hour or so before dinner the better
they'll set.
Elegaucies of the English; Jones, who is
driving an omnibus up street, overtakes
Brown, who is walking, and he sings ont;
"Hoid up" What's up?" Going up2"
Gar up Pretty well up" IN go
up" Jump up" "Up?" Yes, I'm
up." Get up"-and he drives on
Progress of electric science The latest
rood story in the Chicago papers is that, OF
the man returning home late AZ night, who
stopped under an electric lamp-post to look
at his watch, and who then buttoned his
oyercoat around the post and stood there IN
fear and trepidation under the impression
that the electric current had got, hold OF
him and was keeping him fast to the post
Ups and downs: II can well remember
the time said Mrs, Marrowiat, leaning
over the ience-rail, in confidential converse
ton with her neighbor next door, when
SIMPSONS wife was glad enough to get, a
plain wooden shawl to wear. NOW she
always appears in sealskin sacquo'
"Ah, YOU forget" was the reply, that Mr..
Simpsons brother has become bank
CASHIER