The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-02-03
WIT AND HUMOR.

'sSit DOWN. said a nervous old
gentleman to his son, who was making
too much noise. 81 won't do il" was
the impudent answer. ''Well, then,
stand up. will be obeyed!'
ssOld woman, how do you sell beets?'
asked New Orleans hummer of an old
vegetable woman in the French market.
Looking at him from head to foot, she
replied: s.Wen hav some like you vas,
l sell dem two for q cent apiece. -
Ne,c Orleans Times.
Waiter-..Do you wish to be called in
the morning, sh?' Guest-''Yes, sir. ;,
Waiter-ssWhen will you be called, sir?'
Guest-''That depends upon how L feel
in the morning. L am very tired now.
I'll ring for you when l shall desire to
be called"
At the baccarat table, Just as the
dealer has given the cards to the players,
news is brought of the death of one OF
the habitues. The punters look sadly
over their hands and murmur brief and
broken tributes TO the departed. ''Poor
fellow says the dealer, laying down
his cards; .'now he knows whether one
ought to stand on five
Calling on girl nowadays is rather
a perilous amusement. 1t isn't every
man who knows what to say when con-
fronted with hideously ugly curtain
and asked, .sWhy don't you remember l
was working on that at Swampscott that
afternoon when you came down to tea,
and YOU suggested that alteration In
the desig yourself.
The Buffalo Ecpress wants to know
who invented kissing. We don't think
it was ever invented, it just came kind
o. natural, like a shock of sugar-coated
electricity. Our first mother, in her
maiden innocence, asked Adam to tell
her if her back hair was all right, and
we presume he couldn't help it. We
couldn't if we had been Adam, and the
girls mother away at prayer-meetlng.
-NeU York Commercial Adcerttser.
'sThere's something about your
daughter" Mr.. Wanghog said reflect
lively, g there's something about your
daughter s.Yes,' said old Mr..
Thistlepod, ''there is. l have noticed II
myself. 1t comes every evening about
eight o'clock, and it doesn't get away
usually till about two. And some OF
these nights l am going to lift it all the
way out from the front parlor to the
side gate and see what there is in it. y
An Oil City Irishman having Signed
the pledge was charged soon afterwards
with having been drunk. Twas me
observation-disclosures said Pat, ''an' &
habit | have of talkin' wild meself
/ sed to meself. sez /, Pat, COON in an
have drink, No. sez l, I've
sworn off, Thin I'll drink alone sez
l to mcself.' AN I'll wait for yez out
side,' sez l. An whin meself cum out
faith and he was drunk ~
A Boston man besought his wife, ht
being but three years married. for the
privilege of night key, '.Night key?'
| She exclaimed, in tones of amazement
| sswhat use can you have for night key
when the woman's Emancipation league
meets Monday night, the Ladies Domes
tic mission Tuesday, Sisters of jericho
| Wednesday, the Woman's S Science Circl'
Thursday, the Daughters of Ninevel
| Friday, and the Woman's Progressive
| Art association, and the Suffrage ban,
on alternate Saturday nights. Yol
| stay at home. and see that the bab,
doesn't fall out of the cradle" HI,
stays.
A Cleveland lawyer, defending
handsome young lady charged witt
larceny, closed his appeal to the iur.
thus: Gentlemen! you may hang th'
ocean on grapevine to dry, lasso al
avalanche, pin a napkin to the moutl
of volcano, skim the clouds from the SIX,
with teaspoon, throw salt on the tail o
our noble American eagle, whose sleep
less eye watches over the welfare o
our nation, paste For rent on th
stripes and stars; but never for
moment delude yourself with the fde;
that this charming girl is guilty of tn
charge preferred against her." Th
jury acquitted her without leaving thei
| seats