Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1881-05-26
Given to Inventions.

It is very well to talk about work
ing for the heathen," said one, as the
ladis of the circle put aside their sew
ing, I" but I'd like to have some one tell
me what I'm to do with my husband"
What's the matter with him?D asked
a sympathetic old lady.
William is good man. continued
the first, waving her glasses in an argu-
mentative way, " but William will in
vent. He goes inventing round from
morning till night, and I have no peace
or comfort. I didn't object when he in
vented a fre-escape, but I did remon-
strate when he wanted me to crawl out
the window one night last winter to see
if it worked well. Then he originated
lock for the door that wouldn't open
from midnight until morning, so as to
keep burglars out. The first time he
tried it he caught his coat-tail in it, and
had to walk around him with pan of
hot Goals all night to keep him from
freezing.,s
Why didn't he take his coat off 2"
wanted him to, but he stood
around till the thing opened itself try
ing to invent some way Of unfastening
it. That's Williams trouble. He will in
vent. A little while ago he got up a
cabinet bedstead that would shut and
open without handling. It went by
clockwork. William got into it and up
it went. Bless your heart, he stayed in
there from Saturday afternoon until
Sunday evening, when it few open and
disclosed William with the plans and
specifications of patent wash-bowl
that would tip over when it got lust SO
full. The result was that / lost all nv
rings and breast-pin down the waste
pipe. Then he got up a crutch for a
man that could also be used as an opera
glass. Whenever the man leaned on it.
up it shut, and when he put it to his eve
to find William it few out into crutch
and almost broke the top of his head of. >
Don't any of his inventions amount
to anything?'
He says they do. Once he invented
a rope ladder to be worn as a guard
chain and heightened out with a spring.
He put it around his neck, but the
spring got loose and turned it into a
ladder and almost choked him to DEATH
Then he invented patent boot-heel to
crack nuts with, but he mashed his
thumb with it and gave it up. His coal
.scuttle. has made more trouble than any
thing else. It was riveted- to the CRATE,
and when the fire got low it would turn
over and pour ON coal. The rivets got
rusty SO he couldn't get it off, and I Just
sit up in bed and listen to that scuttle
all night. Then he arranged a corn
pepper SO it would wiggle itself, and
now he can't stop it. You can hear that
pepper going around in the closet, and
he won't let me throw it away be cause
he wants to invent something to hold it
still. Why, he has got washtub full
of inventions. One fthem is prayer
book that always opens at the right
place. We tried it one morning
at church, but the wheels and springs
made such row that the sexton took
William out by the collar and told him
to leave his ire-engines home when he
came to worship. The other day 1 saw
him going up street with the model of
grain elevator sticking out Of his hip
pocket, and he is fixing up an impro nd
shot tower In our bedroom"
Does he make any money out of Ms
inventions? 7"
"He doesn't appear to. The other
night a man came down and wanted
William to get up patent umbrella
fastening. Since then he has wrecked
all the umbrellas and parasols in the
house. We haven't thing to use If it
should rain. Now he's at work on a
combined cat and rat trap. The cat
and rats 60 in at different ends and eat
each other up at least he says they
will; and after that he is going at d pair
Of pantalooas, IN which man can fall
down without spraining his leg. vii
liam means well but he's got that mania
for inventing, and don't know where
it will end. Bfookgn Eqgle.