Connecticut western news., 1881-11-16
WIT AND WISDOM.

CARDS announcing the birth ot child are now in fashion. Bawl tickets, so to speak. r.e.
 ONE thing is certain-Parnell will pay no rent for the abode he at resent occupies. 7-.. .a -..#
 QUITE number of leading merchants who speculate in cotton futures are "out on bale"
 "WHY men drink is what staggers us," says a woman's journal. What men drink is what staggers them.
 THE value of a good name is best shown when @ note is presented to 8 bank for discount. Whitehall Times.
 "TH1s apple is pretty we'll worn ont" said a five-year-old, as she finished eat ing and was about to throw away the core. Fact.
 WHEN you are seated between law yer and doctor you are in very dan gerous position, for it is either your money or your life.
 IF your mother in-law should sudden ly disappear and you should as suddenly notice strong smell of birthstone, what conclusion are you just wicked enough to draw?
 THE greatest living calculator is the gas meter man. He can tell to frac- tion how much gas family ought to use without once looking at the indica- tor. ta
 THE very newest of all agonies is for a young lady to have her hand photo graphed and send it to her best young man. This signifies, "Twas mine, 'tis yours," etc.
 THE old proverbs are great things. At least some folks think they are. One of them says: GA man cannot bite tho bottom out of frying-pan without shutting his nose"
 GA NEW blast furnace at Mill Hall, Clinton County, Pa, was opened with prayer" We presume "Lord, protect us [" was the burden of the supplica- tions.-Nes0 Have1a Register.
 GonD in thirty three counties in this State; copper in thirteen; iron in forty three; diamonds in twenty-six; whisky in all of them; and the last gets away with all the rest.-Georgia Sentinel. WNa LEE, the first Ohinaman ever tried on so serious a charge in Chicago, is undergoing his trial for murder. It is not known whether he is we'll off and innocent, or poor and guilty,-Mit,oGu- Eee Sun.
 "WHAT can I do for you to induce you to go to bed now 2" asked Lowell mamma of her five-year-old boy Monday evening. "You can let me sit upa little longer" was the youngsters response. -LoUeU Courier.
 FoorE once sent his servant with sixperce to poor fiddler who was try ino in vain to serenade him, and also with this message, "You are requested to move on, for master says one scraper at the door is enough.
 A GAscoN is found eating the last slice of an enormous leg of mutton. "What r says his friend, "do you al- ways get away with a leg of mutton at one sittingp" The gascon (modestly)-- ooh, no; sometimes leave the bone r
 CoRp1An1TY: "I am very glad to have met you, sir," said Brown, politely. "Are youp" replied Fogg; "here's note you may be glad to meet. also. " Brown wasn't so powerfully glad to meet it, but he had to.-BoSton 1Ta''- script.
 THE world seems to be about equally divided in opinion as to the best way to preserve health and attain a good old age. The one believes in taking great deal of care and very little wine, whilethe other believes in very little care and a great deal of wine.
 "Is THERE any opening here for an intellectual writer ?" asked seedy, red nosed individual of an editor. Yes, my friend" replied the man of quills, GA considerate carpenter, foreseeing your visit, left an opening for you. Turn the knob to the right"
 Do YOU know why some people who call themselves candid are always saying abusive thinks Here is the reason plainly given:
 'Tis clear why Twister, wretched rat,
 Always abusive in his chatter
 He's truly such thorough fiat,
 We can't expect to see him hatter.
 SOME parents don't seem to discern any difference between "Bring up g child in the way he should go" and "Bang up child in the way she should go." consequently the female child is ssbanped" in @ most idiotic manner , And pretty often there is good deal oi banging in bringing up the boy.-Nor F y.istosOn Her0ld.
 To THE ordinary observer 1t look f somewhat peculiar to see woman stand . up in court and testify that her husband has assaulted her, and after he is fined 3 $5 and costs, dip her hand into hel r pocket and produce the money, whicf ' she has been saving to get new dress l to pay the fine. But that's woman al 7 over.-SonerUiu Journal. "THERE has been wonderful i'm ' provement in the speed and comfort O : travelling during the past quarter of { U century," For instance, less than score of years ago, it took nearly foul . years to go from Washington to Rich mond, and the travelling was very un s comfortable. Now the journey can b :, " made in less than day, with ease an' comfort. -Norristo,Un HerGLd. nr1rT, was lately fought in Texa