Connecticut western news., 1881-07-20
WIT AND WISDOM.

A MAN never knows what pluck is until he comes to pop the question to her father.
 MATR1MoNY, says a quaint writer, is flourishing tree, and cradles are the fruit baskets.
 ON NO account speak of brides trav- departure dress"
 THE American paragrapher would rank very low in Italy. The lire is but a small coin there.
 WHY is it that the world is so consti- tuted that the things you want most are apt to be the things you ought not to have?
 AN American traveller says that it takes an English shopkeeper fifteen minutes to understand that he has not got what Q customer wants.
 YOUNG Lover asks: "When is the best time to travel ?" When you see the old man and his bull dog coming around the corner, sir. Travel for all you are worth.
 WARREN KELLY, of Milwaukee, has sued Mrs. Logan, of Cincinnati, for breach of promise, laying damages at $25,O0O. Men are gradually getting their rights in this country. SENATOR MALONE has twice been the father of triplets, and on pleasant days, when the children are all out in tho front yard, his residence is frequently mistaken for an orphan asylum.
 A s1x-PoUND orange has grown in Cal ifornia. It weighed only one pound when it was picked, but twelve editors have seen it since, and there's nothing in California like editors to make things grow.
 TOTAL depravity has such firm grip on human nature that if riches and good ness were placed side by side the large majority of mankind would choose the riches and the minority would wish they had done so.
 elf you find 8 locomotive rushing at you," says Virginia philosopher, ''spring into the air and come down on the cow catcher" That's good "spring" advice, but our midsummer plan would be to step off the track.
 "I AM waiting, my darling, for thee" he warbled; and yet, when the old man threw up chamber window and assured him that "he'd be down in 0 minute,' he lost his grip on the melody and went out of the waiting business.
 "WHAT is the meaning of the word tantalizing?" asked the teacher. "Please marm," spoke up little Johnny Hol- comb, Git means circus procession passing the school house and the schol- ars not allowed to look out"
 IF A father wants his sons to have 8 first class college education he should end them to Yale in preference to Har- ward. Yale beat Harvard in the recent boat race, and is therefore the best col lege in which to acquire all the learning in the books.
 | THE Irishmen who tried to fire the Town Hall at Liverpool seem to have been caught by brother Irishman, by name Peter Casey. This recalls O'Con- ner's alleged dictum, that if one Irish nan is to be toasted, there's always another ready to turn the spit.
 THE shoemaker of whom 8 man or dered pair of heavy shoes, with half pound copper toe on the right one, at Lodi, N. r., wondered what was the purpose of the strange contrivance until he heard of the purchasers daughters beau being frightfully kicked out of the house.
 A FRENCH gentleman, who supposed he had mastered the English language, was sadly puzzled one day when 8 friend looked at him and said, "How do you do?" "Do vat?" "I mean how do you find yourself?" "Sair, I never loses myself" "But how do you feel?" Smooth-you just feel me-"
 "MY brethren" said Western min ister, " the preaching of the gospel to some people is like pouring water over d sponge-it soaks in and stays. To others it is like the wind blowing through @ chicken coop. My expert ence with this congregation is, that it contains more chicken coops than it does sponges."
 IN the garden two six-year-old chil- dren, girl and boy, exchange vigor- ous blows and scratches, meanwhile calumniating each other at the top of their voices like Homeric heroes. Mann ma interferes, and after much difficulty succeeds in separating them. "What in the name of goodness are you up to, you unhappy little wretches?" "Play- ing husband and wife, ma p
 IT IS hardly fair to mix up earthly and heavenly meditations. A village pastor was examining his parishioners in the catechism. He came to the question, "What is thy only consolation in life and death ?" which he asked of a young girl who hesitated, and then answered, "Well, if I must tell you, it is the young shoemaker who comes to see me every Sunday evening, and who offered him. self last night"
 HORNE TooKE, when at Eton, was one day asked by the master the reason why certain verb governed particu- lar case. He answered, "I don't know" "That is impossible" said the master. "I know you are not ignorant, but ob- stinate." Horne, however, persisted, and the master logged. After the pun l ishment the master quoted the rule of