Daily Republican., 1881-07-07
LATEST ALLEGED HUMOR.
Laughing stsck for the hot Hours
Of q July Day.

The last day Of my first visit to Eng
land was in Liverpool. l had spokeI
the evening before, and was to give my
farewell speech that evening. In tn,
course of the day went into n barber.
shop. While the professor of tonsure,
as | saw announced the other day, wa.
practicing on my hair, he began Il
speak of the plentiful harvest il
America. said:
81 sail for America Tomorrow"
"Ah, indeed, sir! You will have a,
a fellow passenger John b. Cough"
"Does he sail Tomorrow"
"Yes; and | have a ticket to hear him
tonight"
"Have you heard him Lecturer"
"No, sir; have you?'
eyes"
GLOW do you like him?''
81 do not think much of him.
"Then you are not a teetotaler ?"
eyes, am"
81 wonder you do not like Mr..
Cough"
81 said did not think much of him,
not that | did not like him.
"Ah. that's very much the same
thing! What sort Of an appearing per-
son is he:'
ga very ordinary-looking person.
at is plain to see you do not like him.
What might be his size, sir":"
"About my re, | judge"
"Have you heard him more than
once"
"Yes, many times.
81 should hardly think you would 60
so often to hear him, ifyou did not like
him."
81 never said | did not like him."
81 beg your pardon, sir, but do you
know him"''
"Tolerably we'll"
"Shall you hear him speak this even
in.?"
eyes, expect to do So. -
'Did you hear him last evening"
Yes"
~ have been quite desirous of hear
ing him, and | have secured my ticket,
docs your air suit you, sir? Shall |
put some hoil on it?'
ono, thank you, it will do very well;
and you have an opportunity to study
your work on the platform, for you
have been cutting Mr.. Coughs hair"
"Bless my soul, sir! | beg your par
don | '0pe | ave not said anything
wrong, or been in Lanny way disre-
specttnl."
,Dh, no; on the contrary. you have
been quite complimentary.
$50 you are Mr.. Cough. l shall ear
you tonight. Emery, sweep up all this
air and take care Of it. Good bye, sir.
am CAD l ave 'ad the opportunity
and the honor Of cutting your air. -
John Il. Coughs new book, Sunlight
and shadow"
HIS MopESTy.
The other night Il policeman obScrv-
ed man hanging around the entrance to
4 Michigan avenue hall in u peculiar
sort of Il way, and he asked him if he
belonged to the order then in session up
stairs. The man replied that he did,
and the officer asked:
"Then why don't you 90 in?"
well, | was thinking Of it.
"Have you been expelled"
ooh, no..
"Are you afraid
"No."
"And you haven't lost your interest,
have you?"
81 might as well tell yon," said the
man after beating around n while lon
ger 81 went down to Toledo a few
days ago, and somehow the story came
back here that | was drownded My
lodge thereupon passed resolutions that
was honest, upright and liberal and
shining ornament, and that what was
its loss was my gain. | wasn't drown
ded as you see, but l kind o hate to
walk in on em and bust those resolu-
tions. I've tried it three times, and
can't get higher than the fifth step be-
fore | weaken
AN EVERYDAY STREET SCENE.
"Hi! Hi stop that car. Driver,
screws down the breaks SO vigorously |
as nearly to dislocate the necks of the
passengers, who smile or look cross, ac-
,ording to their particular dispositions.
Now, dear, goodbye, and be sure
TO come and see me very soon, and
lon't forget TO give my love to Aunt
Susan and Uncle John and all the rest
Of the folks and remember not to trou.
bic yourself about matching that ribbon
unless you can as easy as not. And do
take care of yourself, and tell Jane how
glad am that she's going to marry
That young Mr.. Smith, who is a good
man, l know by his looks, and hear he's
got lots of money, which is most as
good. Now, don't take cold this chang
able weather, and I'll send you that re-
reipt for the mullins Just as soon as
get home. Good-by-g-o-c-d-by. Why,
that car? If the hateful thing
hasn't gone and left me! thought the
street cars were for the accommodation
If the people" So they are, and that's
he reason why this one went on, in
stead of stopping at the crossing all
lay.
THEY WERE ONE.
A Gratiot avenue doctor received
,all the other evening from a couple
who had not been in this country over
\ year, and who had decided 10 check
nate any danger from smallpox by
The husband barred his
left arm and the operation was soon
He then rolled up his other
sleeve and held his right arm. "One
urn is enough" said the doctor.
But guess takes Of 'em," was the
'eply. "What for?" "Why, dis one
$ for me und der odder one is for my
row. 1t ish better dot cotch all der
',nallpox myself. Go ahead nit your
tabbing" The doctor did not succeed
n convincing them that ONE could not
,e vaccinated for both, and the woman
efused to let the lancet touch her arm.
BE ALWAYS POLITE.
1t is much easier to be polite and
than to fly into II passion ,
when things don't go right. Take this .
lote, tor instance, addressed by a lady :
o her ne ghbor next door--"Dear mad
children, who are nume.-
us, and appear to be Gisorderly, no ,
Lull ht lnSerYa the freaunnt tuppinps Won .,