Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1881-10-12
SPICE AND ALLSPICE.


sP.cE AND ALLsP'CE.
A MAN Of airs-The orsan-grinder.
A COLORADO town is called Jamful1.
It's motto is, "Preserve us all, >" and its
children are all saucy.
81 ALLOW that Job was patient, said
an old farmer, "but ne never seen de-
termined Shanghai hen sittin' on nest
Of billed eges.'
"GU1LrY or not guilty o. asked a
Dutch justice Of a prisoner. "Not
guilty." "Den what do you want here?
Go about your pizness.
IDA LEWIS has saved two members OF
a brass band from drowning. Ida's
is rapidly decreasing since
this rash act.
PROF. BELLS induction balance lied
go like blazes that the gas companies
propose to have him invent new meter
for them. Post.
A PREACHER may get very wet on his
way to church, and yet become exceed
ingly dry the moment he enters the pull
pit.--Boston Star.
If you have found dishonest life
don't pay, it is full time to become hon.
est. The old adage says, ''It is not
necessary to drink up the whole puddle
in order to find that the water is dirty"
CAREFUL housekeeper at breakfast
table" Bridget, Bridgette, there's
fly in the ROOM" Bridget Yes in
dade, mum, I know there is; it got in
this mornin' whin me back was turned"
The local editor Of the Albany Argus
has an article quarter of mile long
on "What We Eat" If it had been
headed, "What We Drink" it would
have probably occupied the whole page.
-Syr0cuse Herald.
A TRUTHFUL editor: Says an exchange:
$50 much space is to-day given to edi-
torial matter that large amount Of in
teresting reading is crowded out" The
editor is frank, at all events, and should
be honored accordingly.
GENERAL HEMPHILL, of Georgia, ad-
vises farmers to raise goats, because
they can be kept so cheaply. Yes; but
then the farmers would have to keep
such a close watch on their ploughshares,
pots and kettles and other hardware.
TIE young milkman and his girl stood
before the justice of the peace. 6 You
take this milk-ahem! man for but
ter or tor worse ?" the mighty man Of
the law inquired. The girl said it never
a-curd to her before, but she supposed
she would if it was the only whey.
"DAN," said a four.year old, "give
me five cents to buy monkey" "We
have one monkey in the house already"
said the elder brother. "You," was the
reply. "Then give me five cents to buy
the monkey some nuts" The brother
could not resist.
"SPoRT1Ne. -Cabby (on the bank at
the end of our square) to young lady
playing lawn-tennis: "Begyour pardon,
miss !-takin' the liberty-but 'ow does
the game stand now, miss? cause me
an this ERE 'ansom's got dollar on it =
Punch.
A MERcENARY little boy overheard a
conversation between his parents con-
cerning wedding that was soon to come
off, and recalled the subject at the break
fast table the next morning by asking
the following questions: "Papa, what
do you want to give the bride away for ?
Can't you sell her?"
81 WANTED to get money to go back
to Texas and stand trial for killing the
man who murdered my father,' is the
ridiculous excuse offered by Burton for
robbing the Alamosa stage coach. His
sensitive soul will never be tortured by
any such dire necessity in the future, for
1. 10
for life.
DAN BRYANT used to tell negro min
strel story of his bravery when he be-
longed to rife corps in Mexico. He
declared that he captured one Mexican,
as big as giant, and cut off his feet.
"Why did you cut his feet off? asked
Jerry Bryant. because some other
riher had been there before me and cut
off his head p replied Dan.
A PEDANT1c old servant embarked in a
boat to cross broad river. He said to
the boatman: "Do you know history ?"
"No." "Then you have lost three
fourths of your life." Suddenly high
wind arose and upset the frail craft.
"Can you swim?" asked the boatman Of
the philosopher. "Alas! no." "Then
you have lost your life entirely"
WHEN German has got drenched, he
says: II am wet to my very skin. !"
The Frenchman seems to hate the
drenching still more, for he says: ~
am wet to my very bones. The
Spaniard goes still further: 81 am wet
to my very marrow But the Arab
beats them all. 81 am wet to my very
entrails.
A LITTLE girl, 8 years old, living in
Des Moines County, accompanied her
mother and grandmother to church.
The child was left i'll the pew with the
grandmother while the mother went to
the communion table, and having
watched with some interest the admins
tration of the bread and wine, she at
tempted to follow the mother. Being
detained she cried out: 81 want some
of that beer too!' The CONSERVATION of
the friends may be imagined.
The following is told of James r.
Randall, the editor of the Augusta (Ga.
Chronicle. He attended one day a col
ored church in the country, and had in
his pocket a silver half dollar, just the
fare back to Augusta. At the conclu-
sion of the meeting the minister ordered
a collection for his own benefit. "Of
course" said he, 81 'spects every pus-
son to give somethin'; but lse told dat
Mr.. Thomas up de lane yander had some
turkeys stole Friday night: I don't
want any man who had a han in stealin'
dem turkeys to put any money in de
hat" When the hat reached MIR. Ran
dali not man had refused to contribute,
and the preachers eyes were on him.
His half dollar went into the hat.
"MY 'sperience in dis life, " said an
aged colored individual, "has taugh ht me
dat de man who swaps mules wild his
eyes shut am sartin to get the wust OF it.
Brudderly feeling goes good ways in
case of sickness or want, or death, but
it seldom reaches down to boss trade.
If war buyin' mule of man L had
knowed all my life, I should begin at de
hoofs and look dat animile ober cl'ar up
to de point oh his nose. 1 shouldn't
'spect him to tell me dat ke had filed
down any teef or puttied over any hoof