Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1881-04-26
PRESS WIT.

The clothes of navigation that you hear
spoken of consist of coat of ice.-lSalem
Sunbeam.
Peter Nickel has mysteriously disap-
ueared from Chicago. They will probably
find five of him in some quarter.|Cleve-
land Herald.
Mr.. Base has family of nine small chill
dren. and at times they all get to crying at
once. On such occasions he calls them his
Base bawl nine KokoMo Tribune.
If Grant hasn't any thing else to do, why
don't he sit down and write story, some
thing like Eudymion. He might call it
Conkymyown. IOl City Derrick.
When reporters inquiry for news is
everywhere met with "Damfino he real
ICES what mistake he made in not being
born bill board. saltwater Lumberman.
"There is no disgrace in being poor,
we are told. And we're bowling glad OF
it. for there are enough other disadvan-
tages about it, without that one Boston
Post.
The first time Yankee oyster went
down my throat, exclaimed Lord Beacons-
field, 81 felt Just as if had swallowed the
declaration of independence. y Andrews's
Bazaar.
The Herald has an article headed
Frauds in Butter" We haven't read it,
but suppose it refers to substitution of jute
for the genuine article of air.-[Syracuse
Standard.
a citizen of New Jersey, recently intro
duced to a newly-married man, congratu-
lated him warmly, and said: "Ah, those
n =, 81. Two boI
three of EN-.
There are six newspapers in Kansas
which agree that the Legislature of that
State is beyond criticism. The editors of
those papers are members OF that body.
philadelphia News.
A little seven-year-old girl said "Uncle
Horace, eight and seven make fifteen, don't
they ?" "Yes." Then" said she, ''it's
only eight years before shall have beau,
and-oh, dread it,"
"My son" said doting mother to her
eight-year-old, "What pleasure do you
feel like giving up during the Lenten sea-
from school, was the reply.
Here is the account of the shortest court.
ship on record q" Rachel, the Lord hath
sent me to marry thee, said the sutton.
1.-The Lords will be done," was the sub
missive reply.-[Troy Times.
Old Safe could have made lots of cash
last week by selling chunks of heat to peo-
Pile; but he won't give the people what
they want in this world; he always re-
serves it for the next. Post.
"There !" said Mrs. Ragbag, "Tve tried
four times to give that shirt away, and it's
SO worthless nobody'll take it. But I'll get
nd of it ! I'll leave it out on the clothes
line tonight u Boston Post.
Owing to the large ice crop, it will be so
cheap next summer that it will hardly pay
boys to steal it from the carts. Thus doth
Providence make even intense cold benefit
mankind PHILADELPHIA Chronicle Herald
Yes, energy and strict attention to bust
ness are the true guides to success. Thirty
years ago friendless boy went to Chicago
and began life in coal yard, working for
$50 a month. To-day he is driving horse
car Exchange.
An article in an exchange is entitled
"Shrinkage in Hogs" 1t can't refer to
the breed that occupy two seats apiece in
railroad car. They don't shrink. They
expand, spread cat, diffuse themselves, so
to speak, Norristown Herald.
Grigsby-'' Hullo, my Jellaby, you here (!
Come and take dip in the briny, old man.
I'm sure you look as though you wanted
it :" Postiethwaite-" Thanks, no. Inever
battle. 1 always see myself SO dreadfully
foreshortened in the water, you know p
Punch.
The Rev. Philips Brooks, in one of his
Yale lectures on % Preaching, tells story
of backwoodsman who, after hearing an
extemporaneous sermon from Bishop Meade
protestant EpiscopaD, remarked " He is
the first one OF them petticoat fellers that
have ever seen that can shoot without
a rest.
A German was in a room with dozen
other dodgers, trying to sleep, but was
kept awake by their terrific snoring. At
last one of the snorers, who had been shak-
ing the building for half an hour, gave a
snort and stopped short. " Tank Colt,
Won ish tead !" said the Dutchman.-
Peck Milwaukee San.
" Look here, said MIR. Spilkins to his
wife, you ought to have some fine brandy
in the house to cure my sickness at my
stomach" That's where you are mis-
taken" responded the good lady, "you
would be sick at your stomach ten times a
day If there was an alcoholic remedy for it
IN the house. ~ Galveston News.