Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-06-01
HUMOROUS.

Once they started Girls Seminary
iu Utah. 1t flourished well; but, just
in the height of its prosperity, the prln-
cipal eloped with the whole school.
A lady graduate OF medicine in Wash.
ing'on las been rendered the position OF
resident physician on one OF the largest
Indian reservations in the West. We
hope she will accept and proceed there
at once. We know Of no cheaper or
more certain method Of satisfactorily
solving the problem than by placing all
the reservations under the medical
charges o! lady graduates. In about ten
wears live Indian would be genuine
curiosity.
Burglars broke into the house OF a
horribly ugly old maid the other night,
and, Just as they approached her couch.
the woman who was dreaming she was
being proposed to by handsome youag
man, rose up in bed and exclaimed:
eyes, love, i will marry you" The
frightened burglars sprang thirty feet
through the window sash, and never
stopped until they were hid under a
hay stack fifteen miles from town.
At the dance, the other evening, he
was introduced to becoming mics, and
so, of course, was doing his best to merit
his good luck. Feeling a sudden indls-
position, he excused himself Tor a min
ute, and on returning, was in the act oil
removing few kernels OF coffee from
his vest pocket, when the damsel aston
ished him by saying: Don't chew
that. had rather smell the new run.
He didn't apologize.
Mary c. isa very popular little
girl,and is invited to all of the children's
birthday parties, where she never for
gets to wish. "Many happy returns OF
the day." Recently she overheard her
father telling her mother that Mrs
J., the mother of seven children,
had Just had birthday party, the said
"party" being nine pounds, very live
weight. Mary at once asked her horri-
fled mamma: "Shall | trot over and
wish her many happy returns OF the
day"
TIE wife of a small farmer in Perth
shire, some time ago, went tn q chemist
in the ~ City" with two prescrlP-
tions-one for her husband and the
other for her cow. Finding she had not
money enough to pay for both, the
chemist asked her which she would take.
"Giye that for the COO. said the wife,
'the worm will do well enough for him,
puir BODY. Gin he were to dee, | could
sumo get another man, I'm not sac sure
il would sune get another coo.
at isn't dying" said Mrs. Brown.
smith, that troubles me. | am not
afraid OF death; but it makes me sad TO
think of leaving NV friends. I often
think what would become OF YOU If !
were gone" ''Oh, you needn't let me
interfere replied Brownsmith eagerly,
'don't let me stand in your way, dar'
ling" And the house took up a ques'
ton OF "R solved, That BrOwnsmith Is
a brute" passed it through its three
readings without dissenting voice, and
adjourned precipitately for real good
cry.
A lady Of experience gives advice ON
kissing to younger lady friend as iol,
lows: BE frugal in YOUR bestowal ol
such favors. In the first place | would
cut off all uncles, cousins and brothers
in-law; let them kiss their own wives
and daughters; AMI would not kiss the
minister. or the doctor, or the lawyer
who gets you a divorce" You see this
lady understands her business, and does
not leave out the editor; he OF all Others
needs those OsculatOry attentions 10
"lighten up the gloom she's a jolly
sensible woman, with a heart in the
right place.