National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1881-01-01
OUR NOBLE cops"
AS POTOMAC WATER sMELLERs.
Instructions to be Observed In the enforcement Of
the View Law to Prevent the Rastage Of the
Precious Fluid in the District Of
Columbia-This Is OficiaI.

designated by the able Senate of the United States
to stop off water, to put your ears down to the
stop-cocks and detect Potomac water in the act OF
running. You are to arrest said fluid, but underno
circumstances to drink it-see which way it goes,
and report to the Water Registrar. You will OBJ
serve the following rules, and those of you who
have short memories would do well TO paste them
in your hat or take small boy along to keep you
posted:
/. "The POicemdR's lot is not q happy one" The
law under which you are required to act recog-
nizeS the truth of the above saying; it even goes
further by presumng that you are not possessed of
gentemanly instincts and is therefore necessary
that you at all times endeayor to make your duties
as disagreeable possible, both to yourselves and
those with whom you are brought in contact The
law is odious; you must place yourselves upon
footing with it.
.. 1t is strictly enjoined upon each member of
the force that upon going upon duty the following
programme be carried out, viz:
First-Upon reaching the first water-tap along
your beat bend gracefully forward and downward,
keeping the rear well under cover until the right
ear comes in contact with the metal plate bearing
the symbolic w. Listen carefully until either
something or nothing is heard.
SecOnd-Upon hearing nothing or something, as
the may be- stand erect the jaws slightly
apart, the left eye partly closed, and direct the
right to the key-hole of the nearest dwelling.
Third-Haying thus taken proper position and
restored the equilibrium of the body, step off
briskly with the other foot. Next, approach the
keyhole and apply the right eye the other eye re-
manning closed, or nearly sol to the Orifce. If
nothing is to be observed apply the telescope or,
if everything be quiet, the sounder.
The nose may also be brought into requisition in
cases where sight and sound both fail, and can
oftentimes be used to great advantage, especially
upon cabbage and bake-bean days in New Eng
land households.
Fourth-After having thus gotten things down
to fine point, ring the bell or, if there be none
bang upon the door with the utmost vigor, mean
time demanding admission, in excited voice, in
| the name of law. If you can cause the inmates to
think you come to arrest some one of them, or
brighten the women and children, so much the
better. You will deserve well of your country.
Fifth-When the door shall have been opened
or broken from its hinges, enter boldly, yet with
due regard to your personal safety Your badge of
| Office Ghe picture of extremely long-eared
animal couchanH should be displayed, and the
implements of your office well in hand.
If cooking is going on in the kitchen, make that
your first point of attack Observe well what the
occupants of the house have in the way of food
because an itemized report will be required from
you so soon as you shall have been relieved from
| duty.
| 1.-THE bathroom or other apartment where Poto-
mac water is occasionally found during wet sea-
sons should be occupied, go there first If imme-
diate admission is not granted use your skeleton
| key. Do not be surprised even though you find Il
skeleton in the closet It may prove to be the key
| to the situation.
Sixth-Upon gaining an entrance act according
! to circumstances If the bath-tub should contain
water, you viii at proceed to extract the cube
root of the sediment in order to ascertain the solid
contents of the residuum remaining in a state of
| liquidity.
You will next gauge the capacity of the recepta-
| Gle by applying the forked ends of your Witch
Hazel divining rod to both ends of the diameters
of the semi-ellipSe and from the square of the
mainder extract one-half of the balance The
result of these calculations will give the number
of drops, wastage, in feet and inches.
| acknowledgement proceedings must be gov
erned by the emergencies which may arise. Should
| the owner or occupant of the domice take you by
| the nape of the neck and assist you to the pave
ment with the toe of his boot, submit peaceably,
remembering that it is always darkest just before
| dawn. Arouse him some time at two or three
! o'clock in the morning. Then you will not only
| pay him back with interest, but enforce the law.
| Eighth-YOu are required to be especially vigil
liant in preventing the waste of water through its
| immoderate use by animals and members of Con
l
due allowance being made for the set of the har-
ness, build of the stall, &C.; and, as regards the
latter great should be taken in order that gas
and spirits may not be mistaken for the heavier
| element which they occasionally use for ablution
purposes.
You are also cautioned to look well to the stand
pipe, and keep an eye on the E Strcet sewer to
that no overflow and consequent wastsge occurs.
| In conclusion, it is only necessary 10 add: The
CIV =
Potomac water, of which Shakespeare must have
| had vision, else he could not have written so
| truly. By straining a point, however, you may
| gather just conception of your official duties.
Remember that the poet has said
''The river! the river! the swiftfowing riverl
| o. mix me drink of its fish, filth, and worms
! To stir up my stomach and vex my poor liver
| With every dead evil that wriggles andsquirms.'
| And that another bard of equal renown has
| sung:
| "Little drops of water,
Little grains of sand,
| Mixed with mud and mortar
Make drink be id"
Do not forget, therefore that you are the trusted
| guardians of beneticent Governments gift lat so
much front foot, extras addedl to suffering peo
pie. When you see the rich, creamy fluid flowing
waste, make your displeaSure manifest without de-
| lay.
| If glass drawn from its gushing source shows
! too much bead if it has too much head, draw"a
| bead on the man, woman or child guilty of such
| extravaganza, and put head on him, her, or it
without delay.
| Be watchful, vigiant discreet,
Don't stop to knock or wipe your feet
! Whenever waters being wasted;
| But, leaving everything untasted
| 1fyOure at lunch, or taking dinner,
| Start out to apprehend the sinner.
| When you have found him, force his castle,
| And, if he seeks with you to wTestle,
Why wallOp him and give him-well,
| Perhaps It's better not to tell
Just what; and then if he's a shorter,
| Shut off Potomacs precious water.
By order of the president of the Washington city
double back action water waste preventative
| scheme. THE BIGGEST HUMBUG,
| Chief Engineer
| Notice to ContractoTs.l
| CHIEF ENGINEEE's OFFICE OF THE
| WASHINGTON CITY Double BACK-ACTIoN
| WATER-WAsTE PREVENTIVE SCHEME
| L. s. CAPITOL BUILDING, January l, 1881.
| SEALED PROPOSALS will be received at this
Office until Friday March 4, 1881, at twelve o'clock
| H. for the following described articles and imple-
ments, viz:
| 400 Cmore or less Witch Hazel Divining Rods.
400 (more or less Long-Range Telescopes.
| 400 more or less Dark Lanterns.
| 400 tmore or less Saunders.
400 more or less) Skeleton Keys.
! 400 (more or less) Suits of Armor.
I Al