davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-01-29

THK cod weather OF the past few days has
oeen very trying on those who are compelled
by adverse circumstances. or their wi 1es TO get
up and make the fire. Yesterday morning
well Known citizen or Galveston was standing
In fiont OF the NetcS office, his coantenance
hes ming with JOY. He appeared to.be so happy
that friend said;-"You must have received
some valuable present, drawn big prize In the
lottery Or just had drink, you look So con
foundedly naply." The happy man ribbed his
hands and said none OF those accidents ha d
happened to Elm. Then, suppose. 4 Is your
natural good health and tine spirits that make
3ou overflow with good kumor?" sNot much
good health. The doctor says hare heart dis
ease aud am liable to drop dead suy moment
particularly II take any exercise" and the In
valid executed dO2bie- shuttle OF the side
walk. 81 would liEs TO know the secret OF your
high spirits" "ral tell yol,. Last night some
thief stole my tirewood, s.0d as l haven't got
money buy any more. lhere Is 10 getting up
for nae in the morning 20 make the fire. II the
thieves had only carried of my store, Ia an.
nounce 4 jubilee. Hy thunder: haven't had
such q happy Christmas stlce WAS boy
Galveston; Eetas
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-01-29
A Hint on STRENGTHENING.

Londoner OF an inventive turn OF mind
Sends the following suggestion to the London
Ne'rs: "This morning large staff OF men has
been employed In clearing the roads and pave
occurred to me that . simple machine would
oDvlate much useless labor, and enable the
work to be far more efficiently performed
some cheap mineral Oil, should be lifted 10 q
wide, shallow hand-cart, Goncave reflector
concentrating the heat rays aud turo wing them
downward. This. as It passed over the SNOW
would melt IL, and, as IL should be followed by
a brushing machine such as Is now used TO
clear the streets Of mud, the slush would be
cleared to the roadside. Ii necessary this
might, In turn, be followed by a sa ad distriOu-
ter. In some such manner feel c)nvinc ed that
the work Of thirty men might be done by three.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-01-29
Moody n n Wrestler.
TReadfor Rfar

It is amazing how knock kneed some people
are in their hsaring-never got anything ex-
actly rigtt. The other morning, up at the re-
vivai meeting, while urging she ALMOST per-
suaced" among his hearers 60 come forward
and Join the salvation army. MI. Moody said
LET any still doubling sinner among You
come right up on the platform here, an1 viii
wrest tie with him.
In the fervency Of his invocation Mr.. NJ. dt1
not perceive man climb no out OF the auN.
enoe ana take OF his coat With scientific ca,h
ness. The stranger was Nj. Homer Lane. the
champion collar and, elbow wrestler OF th9 Uni
yivalist q catch as catch-can hip lock and was
about nipping him over the melodeon Wnen MT,
Sankey intaf!ered and the matter was OK
planned, &r. Lane being much Impressed by the
etes were accepted by the great eampaignss
against the old original sPlne-tEtater hlnseU
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-01-29
arIetiek Rf Gals.

The varieties OF the cat are very numerous:
1t Is either Entirely black (back al1 wnlte)
black, fulvouS aud white called tortoise shell
or spanish Cat; entirely white; fulyous and
white; dim co0r or tawny, either plain or
striped: taooy. boldly striped; slaJe-c0lorei or
DlOe-Sfay tcdliei the ChartreuX cat); With very
tOng fuT especially on the neck and tail (Jhe
fersian CAT long hair OF stlvery wilderness aud
s,!ny texture called the Angora can aud Ia3tly
Win peicl1ed or tufted ears, Ike lypX
hlen sometimes, though rarely, takes place
vi al me ABOVE varieties, the Persian the
hnsora, AMI gray Malta variety are the most
,aLilesS ca a very curious variety. When
ihest are 5Sed with an ordinary tailed car
the ptoseht "xhib'ts The intermediate stages
Ltt"efh Kali ard no tail. From lone IG7.aI
usage the word .'tabby'' Is applied indiscrIm-
luz ley 10 almost all varieties or eats artar
they hsVc passed out OF klttenhood, -T'0,,
IIipS.
A WrTHEsED and aged African. who an.
nJuL Ced hIn>elt "a Jude Thomas of Can
ady.' enFe'ed al Office near the ferry dock and
said h Was collecting money TO help the south
EN- neg roe I'm CRATE TO Liberia. "HoH many
walt 10 go. ASKED the man al the desk "Weli.
sab. reckon Oh about five thousand" "When
GiO you intend 10 start them" ''Airly In the
spring. sab. "liow much have You collected
ahus fai:" "In dc nay burhood or sixty cents,
Soi nickel, that would be sixty-f1ye cents? y
"'Yes, san Would sixty five cents be OF any
great help toward sending i've thousand COL
tred p opie 60 LibeFia:" We'll sab, II wouldn't
20 great ways when you come right down TO
skShul expenses, but / reckon that &c would
starr powerful thlnkin' II it was only handled
light. ''-D 'jFvt; Free Press
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-01-29
One sleigh.
One horse,
One moon,
M A,--

One sleigh.
One hor~,,,
One moon,
W COURSE
tfSe maid, who snGpSSleo 10 you no,i re 10th
one arm
Well placed
Around
One aalgf.
ooe robe thsts closely tucked round yo. bsth
Arsce
A dash,
A ciaSh,
crash
And you snd fhs aye sprswiing on the wsrt
s-ink.
bite,
fond
Good night
A srosn when you look st your purse next d.s'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-01-29

IpliIr',II.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
Ingorsoii ODE Indicted.

The Grand Jury of New Castle
county, Delaware, acting on the sug.
gsstisn of Judge Cornegys, have in
cluded the following in thsir late
report to the Court:
The audacity with which the no.
torious blssphemer, known as Rob
ert g. Ingerso'l, re Gently announced
bis purpose to lecture in this city
on lnhdeIity has 10 parallel in the
habits Of respectable vsgabondsm.
Practically he therein proposes to
destroy the sanctitY and comforting
influences Of the Sabbath, to under
mine the assurance of faith and
hope, the very pillars on which re
hglon rests TO spread broadcast
among our people, happy in the
premises OF the Bible, blank, fearful
doubts to txtinguish every ray of
light that may shine upon the trust
ing Christians path of life, in death,
even to the soui's eternal rest, For
the assurance of prompt and exem-
plary fEunlshmeDt which the honor
able Court has expressed, in all such
cases hereafter, not only the Grand
jury, but all Christians will give
earnest thanks, And to the end
that this despised revilar Of reig ion
may not again deal out his implous
rhetoric III our city with impuoity,
the Grand Jury recommends that
the city authorities be requested t..
prevent his pubic appearance here
IN future in the character Of arch
b!asphemer aud rev!.er of God and
religion. Let MIN be taught that in
Delaware bIasphemy is crime, and
as such will be pun shsd by fine and
imprisonmshL."
1t is generally understood hat
should Ingersoll ATTEMPT to lecture
inEtbe State again he will be arrest
ed and tried.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26

Now tha. the Electoral count is
over, the Senate Committee on
Elections has determined TO investi-
gate tae eligibility OF Vice Presi
dent elect. Arthur. It is alleged on
pretty good authority that he was
born in Canada, and il this il proven
to be the fact, he can not according
to the Constitutions OF the United
States hold the Office o! Vice Presi-
dent. Considerable evidence is now
before the COMMITTEES, aud the mat
ter will be thoroughly investigated
Allegations OF his Canadian birth
were mad some months ago hut it
vas determined by the Democrats
that no investigation should be
made before the electoral count WAS
announced, for the reason that had
be been proven to be Canadian the
electors would simply have dropped
him and cast their votes for some
other Republican and the Demo
Gratis would have gained nothing by
the investigation. Now however If
it IS found that Arthur was not born
in the Uaitsd States, he can not as
Vice President be president of the
Senate, and the person whom Dem
ocrats would have the power to
elect as president pro teDpore of the
Senate, would, in case Of The death
OF Mr.. Garfield, succeed to the dut;so
Of President OF The United S ates.
Whether the Senate could constitu-
tional!y elect Vice President in the
contingency mentioned, or snould
merely elect a president Of the Sen
ate pro temPore, the result would be
politically the same Gcnius.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
ACrs or rHE LEGIsLArURE
Passed up TO Date aud Approved by
the Governor
from the Wheeling Intelligepcer

from the Wheeling Intellgencer.
An act fixing the times for hold
ing the terms Of the Circuit Courts
in the Thirteenth judicial circuit.
Approved January q.
An act to amend and to re-snact
chapter 1l2 Of the code Of West Vir-
ginia concerning Circuit Courts.
Approved February 4.
An act ixing the time Of holding
the Circuit Courts IN the several ia.
dicial circuits Of this State. Ap-
proved February 4.
An act authorizing copy OF a
deel, will or other writing to be al.
United to record under certain cir
cumstsnces. Approved Fs ruary 4.
An act to organizo the Circuit
Coucts in the First Judicial circuit.
Approved February a.
An act to amend and re-euaet
Sections one and two of chapter 58
of the acts OF l670,proyi ing for the
Independent School district Of Ra-
venswood. Approved February
An act TO amend aud re-enact
Section one Of Chapter AZ of the
Acts OF 1872 3. Approved Fsblu-
airy 4.
An act to repeal an act entitled
An act to create County Court
and a Board of Com m,ssioDers Tor
the county of Wood, under the 34tb
Section o; the S.h Article Of the
Constitution approved March l1th,
1872 Approved February II.
An act to amend aud re- enact
Section Of chapter 40 Of the Acts
OF 1877 Approved February II.
An act to amend aud re-euact
Chapter 10 OF the Code OF Yves,
Virginia. Approves February H.
An act amending and re- ena9uug
Chapter 80 OF the Code of West Vlr.
gina, Approved February II.
An act for the relief Of WA. J..
Grantham. Approved FEBRUARY H.
An acts to regulate the practice
OF dentistry IN the State and to
protect the people against empri-
CHS n in relation therto. Approved
February H.
An act 10 amend and ro-enact
Section 2 OF Chapter l82 Of the Acts
OF 1928, concerning the adoption
o! the alternative method Of con
s'I"c'lng and keeping IN repair
county roads. Approved FeUru-
ary II.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
NInfc RrnAnecIs.

The thirty-nine aud two-thirds
per cent. increase OF population Of
West Virginia in the past decade Is
attracting attention. That isn't a
circumstance to what the census
figures Of 1890 will show. West
Virginia bss 30 much Of riches
mineral, agricultural, &c-to be de-
veloped, that NO can hardly arrive
at a prediction less than hundred
per cent. increase, in the next ten
years.-She has, too, arrived at the
distinction and dignity Of a State
worthy Of Presidential recognition
and Cabinet place awarded her.
She has, too, besides, great deal OF
Presidential and other timber-the
woods full Of it. But this is the
least Of her elements of greatness-
Free Press
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
wnrUpon .he Funding ELL.

That tba L.rk, mil NIL. ,,;..
orous IVAN r,o, m. Q go, c'1
inc b;II IL Wv n,,n.I 49,.
r.rn oo..,:a T,,,
boId.r. or,ho e.
bords - ,.C,a1o5 r.
La a.. 80 ,L..,.I L.....eu
c.;vo ~, L.,o 49,. a...
.nd nor 49,, mil 49,
mont o.n de-, arr.n -
NJ. NO., $500, ~,
IT,, An oo..;., ~ ,II
the 1887 85o 500 of.vi.,,ra:
con, sra e,a 49,, ta9I ~
will cort;oro - ,ooo;na 49, l,
rates If i,fere.. - ,bo na IT,
sbo,r1 ,;,oorrr T. n;I, 40"
DO ooo 900 ILL., ~"
!, an Tba ro,vort,r -,
nroh,tiu - o.o.,.t ,,I' w %
salo =, Q 49,. D.. 20
,b.v w,l 80 .,,..s..,It 80
;Dts~.st ol,h. ILL.,, l,l
t,rs IT, L.li...ot,Ls
ave, will No, ov.s..u,,hs. -
new ,broe nor o,,,s ,al,.r..-,t...
are nnrcbs.eI bv ,bo ,.o...I III.
the ,,.,,r,r,..,, u,lI
,...,....an
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26

THE establishment Of tho whip
ping post for the punishment OF
petty crimes 10 this State ia again
advocated by some Of the State pa
pers. The Randolph Enterprise is
one Of the journals which advocates
it as one Of the best means Of deal
ing with petty crimes az well 90
some Of the greater ofenses. We
quote the following from lengthy
article on the subject e
As a cheap and effective mode o.
furnishing crime 1t is without an
equal. Our jsils and prisons are
crowded with criminals every ye r
adds recruits to the army, ard amaz
ing sums Of money 10 the tax to be
paid by the people for the support
Of tbess criminals, and their prose
cution. Wow, it is rot claimed that
The adoption Of any particular mode
ofpUnishnsnt will prove a peoscea
for oil those iIs, bat DO is claimed
that Thousands Of dollars would thus
be saved The state annually But
cbesprsss is its lsst recommendation
The AVERAGE "isII bird" isfgstaL-r,
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
Publish the Layys.

We wouldIsuggest to the Legis-
ture heslmportance of providing for
the publication OF the laws of the
State. E3There is nossense sof enact
ing laws if the people who are sx-
pected to respect:and obey them al o
kept In i.norancr.ol their provisions.
The expense is stnfing compared
with the. knowledge gained, and the
people will not complain. OF course
lawyers who live upon the mistakes
committed bysthose ignorant of the
law, VIII naturally revolt against the
idea, but,as the. laws are Tor the peo.
PIE, a ae is no justice in keeping
them bindsto enhance the purse OF
the few. SStWs.are hardly prepared to
endorse tie statement that'the law
years wIlisoppose. the measure. We
believe that, as a class, they will
favor rather. than oppose it. But
even If they should "revolt against
ths1ldea" the fact remaius',that the
people want. They want to know
the provisions OF the laws enacted
for their government, and thsre ia
no better or more econom cal way
OF meeting that demand lthau sspro-
viding for the publication OF the
lawssin the Dewspapers.oi the State.
Index.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
West virginia Dark Blood.

West Virginia can scarcely con-
tinus to ranked among the, States
with distinctive popu lation in the
light. OF the present census. With a
total population of el8 1876, the
State has but 25.67O negroes, Of
about one in every. %. a large
number OF Northern States have a
larger absolute negro ,, population,
and several nave a relative popula-
ton but little.smsller. New Jer-
sey, with a.EtoiaI population OF
l,l3O.892,ia little less. than: twice
that OF West. Virginia, has 3O.O46
negroes, and. Connecticut, with
nearly the sams.spopuiatiou, G33.-
683, has about one-h a. many
oolord persons, or IL, 799.-PiusJurg
Post.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26

We suggest to the honorable mem
bsrs Of the House Delegates that
perhaps they are foolishly wasting
time on the Wilson railroad bill.
There is ne reason for luther con
sidering the bill before vote is
taken showing it's. strength. II the
House is favorable to legislation OF
that character, it is well enough to
take the time necessary TO perform
1T, but if it is to be defeated any how,
it lie foolish to waste time on it.
Index.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
-. Eloqmcntr ribntc.

Bic. OK wound up his speecn iutroduc-
ing the appointment bill, in the fol
loring eloquent ttibu,e to the progress
made IN this country.
The orb Of power might be departing
from the East, bat yet with us radiance
full. 1t was the star OF empire holding
its western way for new conques,s.
Along with it arose zbJYc the horizon the
southern cross TO add lis symbolic ulster
TO he constellation. The Federal repre-
scn,alion Of this country was in every
sense republican in fact, form and spirit.
1t might be said With all that popular
basis and its results the people Of the
United States had the same greed fer
gain, ambition TO excel, love If rule.
desire OF intrigue and play of uuruly
prejudice, jsaiOusly and passion tina, had
made the history of other nations trasical
even TO their decline end fall. sill. IN
spite of that demOralz ,tion in It's worst
aspect, the answer might be msde. VINO
snail compete with us in our abundant
haryests, our rich balances of trade, our
increase IN commerce hnd expansion Of
''.'N vi pi'o'ou' 'h9.a'5' "hu
0'i ineA haus'lole mines OF coal, copper,
gold aud silver our unexsmplcd cXpor-
tstions and impOrtati0ps. our attractive.
forces ADD their meIlihious immigration.
our s'0pendous intercommuuicAlions aud
'n''I incomes and on'g'ts by rail. canal
l1n'' ''''i ana sea : our ihyen'lye faculty
VII" us miracles "t manufacture, arr
aoo'e al 80" o'y'H' ".I' """l ciu rival
."o s'-' WHICH, y" 'l U '''7 westward
i'"u' ever ''''". s '.''i.' 90 q restless
P'pUla'''H' "'' ID" y @ mug s"''' i'r'y-
'0' MUNYON'S ' '.' "'".e tirISi's
'"'S' 'N.'''''"'.f.' '.F'.h's ." great
"'.' "'" h'''y "''' ."' '' '.e 'tpT'sen-
'3'''e ~ ,.' "''ou s'''N "' ''ni'' how
ever hu'hO'e "f ''l'h"' 'l ir'm It's
''S''' OF nH''hA''.y' I'"'ce and spain
'n'sn, 'N"''s' 'D 'h''r revolutions h1ss'"
''' y. '''ny 'nlgnl 'r.m''e before Com
,'uu''"c a"" Nln'is'lc ''Irefs' and
I,E'""' may oo"s' OF oer RUE III Asa,
n''''' Suu i'''''u' ana proudly echo tho
p''''o "''u n'' pow laureate IlV'shed On
"''' ''
a land OF settled government
n IANl OF IlsL BIC OLD fFuDrrn
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26

a i1il stock OF blank poio and r,c,frr
books f5r s8le at TIE ARGUS Office.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
Withdraw ing OF CircuIatjO.--Thc
Effect Oi thc NCW Act On the Sn-
tionai Banks - " ;tat - SnId by
mOn"ycd Ncu CT the Subgert--A

I a., ,,,.,.,. s....,.-..- 49, q g.. D. go. .
-.
! 49,, ....,--,
.,.,,.',
-.,.,l,,, 60
,;,,, -, g.
/ -, oo.,coo
go a., o,.,.sa.,..., ~, r..
-, ~. a., ....,
/ ..e 49,. 49,. - d..
! -. ,......-, .......
| 49,. .......'
/ 60, ,,t.,;..,:.,s.
{ Iii 80, -,
.,,.,. -
no,,, ,r.,........ ....,... ..........,.....
,r,,. .,,..i...., ,...,. ..i3 ,,,;,i,
npc. ,,,.,,.. .,... 4,i
an, ..l,..., -....,.
| n. c..,,....-.l
,iopis,s -
OPINIONS n,tr,vopp p,yKcos
A n,,,,er of l,,n, ei..l..,f raj, ,i,,
wore iu,,.ryio,red nv r.o,r,ors If ~.
! Ci.z..,,. j., r.f,,.,.. IN ,n, ab,vo ar,ic,o
| from the .Trbune md I'M. general ,xnr,.s-
| sion of oninIon il ina, il IA almost too
soon 10 determine what action the uation-
| al banks may take in reteronce to the
/ funding bill brt with their nresrnt view
/ !, is moi bclevet tsatonv v,,ieri ch,r,,,
! will lake ulac.. as the hanks have nl,,ty
/ of lima 10 copsiter what scti,n tbcv
| sbould tsks The 4 ne--cents Of 1881
mature in Nav and the G-n.r ennis oi
| 1881 July /. and they have ill tpcn 10
decide whether they will retire tselr Gil
| culatlon based on the deu1sit Of those
bonds, or substitute therefor the new
3.per ccu,s. Tne Baltimore bankers do
not believe that tbs national hanks are
going 70 gIopt the former coor.o 10 any
extent come may. the rnsh in N.U
YORK. according 10 the above item. lo.k.
pa ihrl,, il W. intended far a ruruos.
perhaps 10 secure a veto from, the Pres.
dent or u iafueucs legislation. The
I Carli,le amendm .nt makes d, obligatory to
deposit this bond only. and n, oIs.r
bond than the Der C. nt val. be re
/ ceivcd. |, does not, however. disturb u,
! bonds sl.eady on depo.t tp.t do moi
mature tor some wears. nu, there /. ~
! very large amount of the bonds matu,jrp
in May aud july on DEPOSIT. which. If m,
! circulation IA io b. c,nlipu.5 rous. az.
replaced by The new 3.,,r-c.nt b,pd
7 The Amendment r,oUr.s onc-,hird of N.
capitol to b.. Invested in Uelct S.tes
bonds. The Baltimore bar>,rs are a., H.,
impression tnat 81 per cent. bond would
/ ,.,, t., a , ...,t ,
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
WEST VIRGINIA ARGUS

Entered at Kingwood Post ONCE as
Second-class mail matter.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26

WE have yet to see the first paper
in the State sustaining the Wilson
movement in regard to railroads
The Legislature has no more right
TO take charge of the business Of the
railroads ;han it has to discharge us
and assume control Of our paper.
The officers Of the railroads are
probably as compentOt to manage
the business OF the roads as the
members o. the Legislature are to
do it for Morgqnto10a Ne,O
Domination.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26

HENRY CLAY HYDE, ESiuor.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
CIlarnb0rs's EncyCI0Dmdia

portion The Lng,y yn.ycNl
tuat nor
8iJ
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
W. havs yet 10 ses the frst rapel

KING WOOD, FEB'Y 90, 1881.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1881-02-26
Reyolution PamphIets.

ono tle
p.
, . s b
The Newtown bee., 1881-01-12
Getting it Out of Him.

They had just the loveliest sleighing in Philadelphia all last week, and young Keepituu was out enjoying it all one afternoon. When he drove into the stable, oh, but the man was mad. He roared when he looked at the horse, and danced around, and as Uncle Remus says, .'he cust. he did"
 "Look at that hoss, he walled, look at that hossi Ain't dry hair on him, pretty lookin' way to bring a hoss. Nice man, you are, 10 let a good hoss toi"
 Young Keepitup was fairly astonished. Man alive" he yelled. picturing his amazement in his voice, and what did you expect when I hired him. When a horse is costing me an even five dollars an hour, he's got to keep moving, you understand. When I'm paying out more than eight cents every minute, can't afford to let no horse lean up against an ice box while he figures out the oat crop of the United States for 1880.
 {" I did my level best to keep my whip arm warm, and then l couldn't get more than S4.25 an hour out of him. didn't hire the horse to rest him. Now. if you had only charged fifteen cents an hour, I would have had your horse fed every thirty minutes while l was out, and would have rocked him to sleep in my arms. wrapped him up in blank cts and laid him in the sleigh and hauled him back to the stable myself. That is the difference, you see, Mir Silkcracker. Here's your money, and want the same horse, or a better one, next Saturday afternoon, if the snow holds on."
 And he went away, while MT. Silk cracker stood looking alternately at the money and the horse, thinking it all over.-B Burlington HaUkeye.
The Newtown bee., 1881-01-12
HUMOROUS.

A standing nuisance-The fellow on the curbstone.
 Pity the poor duck who has to go around barefooted all winter
 Poor people eat mutton because it is sheep, and rich people eat venison be- cause it is deer.
 When fellow now wants to talk real nice slang he says: "Oh, file your ear and look pleasant.
 While sunlight is the most favorable for haymaking, it is a well known fact that wild oats are best sown by moon- light.
 The Philadelphia News says it is bet ter to have loved and lost than to be obliged to get up at five o'clock on cold winter mornings to start a fire
 "The man who sings Rock Me to Sleep, Mother" weighs over two hun dred pounds, and it is physically impossible for his parent to accede to his wishes.
 "Eugenie, Eugenie. will you insist on wearing the hair of another woman on your head" "Alphonse. Alphonse, do you still insist upon wearing the skin of another calf upon your fects"
 One of the things that saddens man in this vale of eye water is to lie awake half the night listening to a barking dog. and, upon regaining consciousness, to discover that the fire in the stove has gone out.-NeW York Commercial.