The Evening critic., 1881-07-14
THE EVENING CRITIC.
HOW THEY PLANT ZEN
what n "GranIx'' Undertaken From
the West Says-A narrowing Tale,
ESTABLISHED AUG

The obituary editor of The CRITIC has
grown rusty of late. Work in his line has
been dull. While waiting patiently this
morning for some one to turn up his toes
the following, clipped from morning pa
per, was handed him:
"Mr. A. j.. Lewis, general agent for the
Charlottesville Coffin Company, of Indiana,
has sent the following suggestive letter to
District Attorney Corlshill: L would like
to furnish coffin, free of charge, for that
ID scoundrel Guiteau, that shot Gar
field Accompanying the letter is postal
card, on which to send back the order for
the box"
AZ wonder. unused the obituary editor,
aloud I" If they plant people decently in the
West. have heard some strange stories
from that section OH this subject.
"And no doubt, my dear young friend,
broke in ahollow-voiced, lank, seedy, black
clothed individual, who entered the sane
tum at that moment, all the stories are
\, true. | am an undertaken and come from
the West / have planted stifIs since ] was
n boy, and that is the object of my visit to
this city to-day. want to plant Guiteau.
Every family cntrusting funeral to my
charge is made happy. My corpses always
looks Us though the chariot had swung low
and picked 'cm up from the side track with
out putin the brakes down, and they smiles
as though they was lookin' through the
pearly gates at their less fortunate friends
below"
"You are an expert then ?" said our obit-
uary man, glad of meeting so genial a sub
.ject to converse with.
"Wcll, l should smile. l kin git up q
funeral in better shape, less time and for
the least money than any man in the coun-
try. That was what ruined me out West,
cut the rates so and worked on system
of such economy that | was fired out of
each town operated in"
"Is it tr,,e,n asked the solemn scribe,
that you people very often break the
necks, arms or legs of a subject in order to
make it fit coffin ?"
Yes" said old skull and cross-bones
ait is true. 1t is not an unfrequent occur
renee that people die in unnatural positions,
and when we arc called upon to fix them
: up for planting either leg or an arm is
drawn up in bad way, and we have to
bring them into shape somehow. There
was Captain Robey, of Peoria, who died last
week with commissions, superinduced by
an over-indulgence of cucumbers He was
literally drawn up into knot. His knees
touched his chin and his arms were crossed
behind his head in a way that would have
sent a shock of horror into the bosom OF
any ordinary undertaken"
"What did you do about it ?"
"That is simply explained. We brok c
the limbs as we would have broken a bunch
of faggots, and when we had him in the
casket he was the most beautiful corpse you
ever saw"
Isn't that rather bad practice? Sup
pose, for Nuisance, you should tackle a sub
ject in u trancc?"
"Wcll, it would be bad for the subject
But we cannot be held responsible for the
decisions of physicians. We are summoned
suddenly to prepare corpse The doctor
in charge declares the subject dead. When
we arrive, if the party has not shuflled of
in the proper way, why we are supposed tC
fix the body up in u shape that would
assauge the sorrow of the bereavcd family
and if we break a neck or leg now
and then we consider it legitimate. l have
o case in point. Jim Nicholson, an en-.
ployee of a Pittsburg iron foundry died
from the effects of q bad burn received three
weeks ago. He evidently suffered intense
: agony in his death throes. When myself
and assistant arrived at the house he was rs
cold as one could possibly imagine, and his
head was turned away round out of all de.
cent shape, just exactly as one would be
supposed to be looking when calling deal
waiter in a bar-room. We had to break his
= neck to slip his coat on, and you can bel
your sweet life when the family came in tt
look at the corpse they were simply de-
lighted at his appearance, for it was re
pulsive sight to look at him just after hi
died"
The tramp undertaken then went on to
recitc number of other cases to try to con.
vince THE CRITIC scribe that stories he
had heard were true, horrible as it may ap
pear.
The grave visitor left his card at this of
fee, and those desiring to be neatly buriet
can reach him by dropping postal card t.
the business manager of THE Critic.
The Crank undertaker's object in com
ing to Washington at this time Is to get tn,
job of putting Guitcau in box in the mos
scientific Western way.