The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-03-09

"a 80 = q ~ etfst
double ripper--A pair oil scissors :. r..
ton Consmsruiai Baklsgfn.
a disagreeable man Ii one whose idea ~
fun differs from yours Boston Pat
man who can't tell the difference betwee,,
one fashion plate and another is 4 married
man. -
dcwn-east girl who Is engaged to a Inn
herman says she has caught Teller. Boston
Commercial Bulletin.
lady friend says that bachelors are Hike a
batch OF biscuits, good enough after they a.a
mixed Boston Transcript.
Englishmen often acquire habit Of carry
ing an umbrella in pleasant weather. But
they don't keep it up.-Boston Post
The business Of telegraph company il
spread from pole to POLE" So is that of a
washerwoman. -Somerpsife Journal.
The warm weather lisa blessing. A woman
can now let her furl iued cloak blow omen
without suffering from the cold Boston Post.
used to think that women preferred those
whom they think handsome. Error. They
prefer those wko think them handsome. -
| Charipars.
innocent at home Mo, a newspaper
HE is not used 10 scrape the rust from old
Jokes. You've struck the wrong tool chest
this time.-N. 7. Graphic.
In Paris they have g heated cabs" Nine.
D., after taking one, shouts TO the coachman.
See here, cabby Is there no warm brick
in this carrage?" Eyes, na'am.'' "Then.
where is it ?" Under my feet.'
When you begin the reading ola novelth that
purports to be "love story" prepare for
nnety.nine parts hate and Jealousy to one,
part love, and IL you fail to fiud that one part.
do not be disappointed Boston Transcript.
Said the political speaker: "My friends I
will be honest" There was a large num-
Der OF bis neighbors present, and the terrific
outburst of applause which followed this re-
mark entirely upset the point which the ora
tor was about to introduce.
Said an Irish orator the other day Mt a
meeting; "The land, my friends, has be-
iouged to the people from the days Of Adam. y
Adam, indeed he was evicted from the,
Garden of Eden without compensation, re-
piled voice from the crowd.
A Frenchman is about to be bcheaded.--.
Under the gnllotine priest approaches and
says. My friend, have you any last wish
to makee The wish of dying man is
| want to learn -Rnaiisl, -, 1,,.ss D.. ,
Two Miiesians we've standing at the Fair
mount water works in Philadelphia, Pa,
watching the big wheels splashing the water.
ia every direction, when one of them remark
ed, Mike, isn't this a quare country,
where they have to grind their water before
they can use 1t Pr
A sea captain was brought before justice
in Maiseilies and mercilessly attacked by his
opponents lawyer. When, at length, he was
suffered to speak, he said: Your Honor, I
ask n delay Of one week in the proceedings.
SO that may find big enough liar TO answer
that man." His request was granted.
(stelia Basbleu, vassar, 81. has just been
relating some astounding astronomical facts
and fgures). A. Dnllston Slocman e. never
went in for that sort of thing, you know "
81 see how one can find out how large aud
/
don't quite see how they ever found out their
names"
The Boston Courier asks if our dumb AMI
mails are ever of the feminine gender. Oh,
yes there's Ella Plant, Aunt Elope, the
little deers aud lots Of otllers.--N. y. Com
msroiaI Adoertiser Not to mention Anna
Conda, Allie Gator, Sally Mander, tho Moll
Usks. Polly Wogg, Liz Ard, ct. al.-Phild-
delphia Bulletin.
Crushed Youths Revenge. Ambitious
boy" Mother, may go out West aud fight
| Indians?" Mother-'' No, my son, but you
may go down to the cellar and bring me up
scuttlc of coal.'' Thereupon the heart
crushed lad sworc eternal hostility to society
and forthwith became plumbers apprentice
Brooklyn Eagle.
"What tiresome thing that Mrs. Smith
Is I" exclaimed Mrs. Brown. +" called there
TO day, and she ran on SO, telling about her
now carpet and her new house-girl and her
baby's two teeth aud her new bonnet. that
didn't get chance to speak word about my
new sacque, or our parlor furniture, or Fred
dy's coming down with the measles, or Sarah
James dyspepsia, or Uncle Charles rheuma-
tisnn, or how Bridget burnt that batch Of bis
, cults Oh, she's such tiresome thing ! -
t Boston Transcript.
A Disguised looking man with double
barreled shot gun came YEARLY mp Woodward
avenue. "Well. Jones, said friend, just
in from the flats?" Yes" said Jones, drop
! ping the butt of his gun heavily on the pave
meut, I'm In from the flats. Six OF us have
been sitting in the rain In a wet boat for two
! days looking for ducks. Not seeing any sport
/ in this, left. The other five are there yet.
and am of your opinion, that they're fats.
Yes, SIR" shoulderng the shot gun again,
7 tim Just in from the fats"
He was not much up TO Galveston tricks.
bat when a man with Grape on his hat showed
. him massive gold ring, telling him that he
had just found IT. tho young man didn't be-
lieve 1t. He said, ~ believe you stole that
! valuable ring" No, sir indeed didn't
y.,, r,ax have n fnr 80 as I have to leave