St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1881-04-01
SQuibs.

and ten.
Squibs.
"Are you engaged 7" asked Col. Mark
Antony of a Galveston hack driver.
Engaged Why, man alive, l have
five children down with the measles and
two more to take it. am engaged in
sitting up with them all night long"
Sam JOhnsing, a Galveston colored
darkey, applied to the county clerk for
a marriage license. The clerk, in order
to poke fun at Sam, said very seriously
81 hope the fair bride has $40 in cash,
for the Legislature has passed law for
bidding us to issue license unless the
bride has 80 in cash III her own right"
Jess go ahead with the papers, den,
boss" and, approaching the clerk, he
whispered "Dar am reliable rumors
in de atmosfere about ten dollars aud
fifty cents."-[Galveston News.
An old couple were walking down
street the other day reading the signs,
when they ran across one which the old
man read: "Johnston's Shirt Store"
"Well, l declare =" exclaimed the old
lady, 81 wonder how he tore it p
There is a marble lamb on the tomb
stone of an old Galvestonian, and when
an old friend saw it for the first time
he exclaimed "How appropriate !"
"Was lie of a gentle disposition 2"
"Whew guese not. He would shoot
in a minute, but he always Overfed
himself on spring lamb and green peas.
That's what killed him, | reckon
Galveston News.
Limerick.-No an editor doesn't
know everything. Editors only claim
to average about three times as much
knowledge as the ordinary run of men.
But perhaps this is a low estimate.
Editors are naturally modest Boston
Post.
Nothing is so admirable as logic. A
French traveller hurried out of the over
land train at Colfax last week, tired and
dusty, and, seating himself at the res
taurant-table, cried out: ''Vaitaire
bring me a bif TEX" The waiter re-
piled that it would take half an hour to
order and cook the desired Wand, while
the train only stayed Is minutes. The
kindly and sweet-tempered Gaul re-
torted: "Vell, den, bring me half
bif TEX" The waiter wilted.
A Chicago society offered last year
prize of $lO0 for the best treatise on the
question, "How best to destroy rats"
The prize has just been awarded to DR..
Burnett of Philadelphia, who answered,
Increase the number of cats"
London Punch-old gentleman (mili-
tary man, guest of the squire, convers-
ing with art-loOking rustic )-"W
ded in the Crimea we're you ? Badly 7"
Rustic-"The bullet hit me in the chist,
here, surr, an come out of me back J"
Old gentleman-"Th deuce! Come,
come, Pat, that won't do! Why, it
would have gone right through your
heart, man ~ Rustic-"0eh, fax, me
heart was in me mouth at the thoime,
surrm
GLOW do you like the rooms ?" asked
Mrs. Dotonart, who was showing the
Smithingtons over her new house
"Oh, they are perfectly lovelym ex-
claimed Mrs. Smithington, "and they
are furnished SO sweetlyl What ex
quisite plaques those are, arn't they,
Smithington 2" "What, them dishes
on the wall Yes, they are pretty
enough, but why in thunder didn't they
have some closets in the house to put
the crockery in 7" Mrs. Dotonart goes
into mild Mysteries, and Mrs. Smithing-
ton gives Smithington such look
! Boston Transcript.
The Boston Herald observes that the
man who digs 100 feet into the ground
for water gets along well.
The play of "The Forty Thieves"
was advertised in Philadelphia. But it
didn't draw. The people wouldn't buy
tickets to it. They could go and see
their city officers for nothing Boston
Post.
whats the news ?" asked Jones of
Fogg, who had been poring over the
newspaper for half an hour. News ~
exclaimed Fogg, "lots of it. A dozen
or two miraculous cures by Abraham's
Oil, few testimonials for Jump Bit
tiers, Pilgarlic's Persistant Pills, Uncas'
Aboriginal Cureall. Then there are
thrilling accounts of IL different kinds of
pads for as many parts of the body, to-
gether with miscellaneous assortment
OF absOrbents, specific, detergents, anti
scOrbutics, reliefs, reHOvatOrs, renew
ers. o, yes, lots of news; paper run
ming over with it, Boston Trans
cript.
A foot traveller on the road calls to
a labOrer who is gathering potatoes /:
GLOW long will it take me to walk to
the next town" |" The labOrer says
nothing. but keeps at his work. The
traveller repeats his question, but with
out success. Finally he continues his
P journey but after short time the la
bOrer calls to him, ats a half-hour's
distance" "WLy didn't you tell me
this before 2" because | had to see
how fast you walked"
Ohio papers are discussing why quail
freeze to death. 1t is simply because
they cannot afford to pay 80 ton for
COAL Philadelphia Chronicle Herald.
The short girl should not cry because
she's not tall let her remedy the evil
by getting spliced.
"Shet dat do, Sam" "Why, it amt
cold, marm." "Golly, you shet dat do
you brat oh course it amt cold, it's me
dat's cold. Tink care wedder de dos
cole or not f"- Yonkers Gazette.
The only difference between pig
making a glutton of itself and man
making pig of himself is that the pig
at some future day will be cured.
Old Nose and another old darkey
! were standing in front of the Ne1s Office
t discussing matters and things, when
r Jim Webster happened to pass. ''Dar
am about forty regular chicken stealers
: in Galveston, includin' Jim Webster
remarked the old man. Jim overheard
! the remark, so he came right up to
{ Nose and threatened to eliminate him
2 if he did not take it back. "Den daI