Connecticut western news., 1881-03-02
WIT AND WISDOM.

out the smallest potatoes.
 How to get fat-Do not watch the butcher when he cuts your meat.
 To MAKE successful run for office man must initiate snow. He must come down occasionally.
 A ROCHESTER lady remarks indignant ly to her grocer that she has had all the windfall potatoes she wants.
 IT IS the thing now to serveacoffee with whipped cream. Cream, however, that has been licked by a cat will not do.
 THE P. I. l.. l.. that England cannot swallow is nothing else than the Parnell Irish Land League, says the Catholic | Colunlbian.
 No ONE ever yet saw man who made move to separate two dogs engaged in battle, as long as his own dog was hay ing the best of it. ...
 WHEN New York citizen falls down on the pavement and fractures his skull the police at once take him to the sta tion as a common drunk.
 MARS now rises about an hour and @ half before the sun, but then mas are very apt to do that, for it takes fully that long to get the son walked up.
 THE following recipe for eloquence is given by " down-east orator "Get yourself chuck full of the subject, knock out the bung, and let Nature caper."
 "NEuRA1a1A," is the charming name borne by charming girl. Her fond mother found it on medicine bottle, and was captivated with its sweetness.
 A TAILOR was startled the other day by the return of bill, which he had sent to an editor, with notice that the
 "manuscript was respectfully declined"
 AMBITIOUS boy: "Mother, may I go
 out West and fight Indians?" Mother:
 "No, my son but you may go down
 to the cellar and fetch me up scuttle
 of coal"
 A WOODEN Indian ought properly to
 be the sign, not of tobacco shop, but
 of @ loan office. It would indicate to
 the pawner that inside he would find
 the Pawnee.
 DURING @ heated discussion "Sir, would have you understand that do not share your opinion of yourself. " Delighted to hear you say so-if you did it would lessen it." A DOCTOR went out for days hunt
 ing, and on coming home, complained that he hadn't killed anything. "Thats because you didn't attend to your legiti- , mate business," said his wife. "IMpRovE the evenings" says an ex- change, and the Norristown Herald
 adds that it is needed, for some evenings , this winter have not been fit to be recog- nized by decent people. 9 AN American, after dining at Lon- : don restaurant, paid his bill and was s about leaving when the waiter suggested that the amount did not include the 3 waiter. "Ah," said the man, "but l t didn't eat the waiter" "You old vulture, you" she exclaimed, vixen he hinted that five bonnets year
 were enough for any ordinary woman. |, Next day when he relented and told her 3 to order sixth it would have made an l angel smile to hear her sweetly call him "Brdie."
 l. THINK not of tomorrow, Q It's trials or its tasks l But still, with child-lihe spirit,
 For present merces ask. a With each returning morning,
 cast all things away; Life's journey lies before me s My PRAYER IS for to-day. !, SOMEBODY quotes When a man be- l. gins to go down hill he finds everything creased for the occasion, says philos-
 opber. and the Philadelphia Nea0s thinks he might have added that when o he tries to climb up he finds everything . greased for the occasion, too.
 A NINETY YEAR old lady of Newbury- n port, Mass, few days ago, was out O coasting with the young people and ap- " peared to enjoy the sport as much as
 any of them. She complained, how
 ever, that the young men did not hold
 her quite so tenderly as they did the if girls.
 ,s AFTER one of the last operations of ,- celebrated surgeon, the resident student e stood looking at two pieces of mortality if lying on the surgeons table. What if are you doing, sir?" sharply asked the surgeon. q was waiting for you to r- point out which piece is to beput to bed - and which is to be buried" 1T ALAwyERs brief is very long, st And Mir. White is black @ A man is dry when he is green, "a And when he's tight he's slack; . A fire is hot when it is coaled, ~ A lamp is heavy though it's light, u A shoe is bought when it Is soied J. Aman can sec when out of sight,
 A WAS telling story in the club. \, B.. when it was finished, said 1: That " reminds me of another anecdote," and ; he related it. A. thereupon remarked "I don't see how what you have told us N. was recalled by my story" :" It was, replied B., "because mine was on the ,,' same page of Joe Miller as yours. e A GENTLEMAN having engaged brick G. layer to make some repairs in his cellar, D. ordered the ale to be removed before g the bricklayer commenced his work.
 ooh, I'm not afraid of barrel of ale,
 sir," said the man. "I presume not, of said the gentleman, "but think bar le rel of ale would run at your approach