Middletown transcript., 1881-08-19
A SLIPPERY SUBJECT.
RAW OYSTERS FROM AN ELDERS
STANDPOINT.

1t was along in the winter, and the
prominent church members were hav-
ing business meeting in the basement
of the church to devise ways and means
to pay for the pulpit furniture. The
question of an oyster sociable had
been decided, and they got to talking
about oysters, and one old deacOness
asked deacon if he didn't think raw
oysters would 60 further at sociable
than stewed oysters. He said he
thought raw oysters would go further,
but they wouldn't be as satisfying.
And then he went on to tell how far a
raw oyster went once with him. He
said he was at swell dinner party,
with lady on each side of him, and
he was trying to talk to both of them,
or carry on two conversations, Oh two
different subjects, at the same time.
They had some shell oysters, and he
took one up on fork, large, fat one,
and was about to put it in his mouth,
when the lady on his left called his at
tention, and when the cold fork struck
his teeth, and no oyster was on it, he
felt as though it had escaped, but he
made no sign. He went on talking
with the lady as though nothing had
happened. He glanced down at his
shirt bosom and was at once on the
trail of the oyster, though the insect
had got about two minutes the start OF
him. Ithad gone down his vest, under
the waist band of his clothing, and he
was powerless to arrest its progress.
He said he never felt how pOwerless he
was, until he tried to grab that oyster,
by placing his hand against his person,
outside his clothes, then, as the oyster
slipped around from one place to an
other, he felt that man was only poor
weak creature. The oyster, he OBJ
served, had very cold feet, and the
more he tried to be calm and collected,
and to keep track Of the conversation,
the more the oyster seemed to walk
around among his vitals. He says he
does not know whether the ladies
noticed the oyster when it started on
its travels, or not, but he thought, as
he leaned back, and tried to loosen up
his clothing, SO it would hurry down
toward his shoes, that they winked at
each other, though they might have
been winking about something else.
The oyster seemed to be real spry, until
it got out Of reach, and then it got to
going slow, as the slickery covering
wore off, and by the time it had worked
into his trousers leg it was going very
slow, though it remained cold to the
last, He said he had been on the anX-
ious seat, had asked her father if he
could have her, had gone forward to
be prayed for, had spoken a piece in
school, been sat on the Ounce block,
had faced a battery Of rebel artillery
and seen comrades die by his side, and
done many things that required nerve,
discretion aud cheek, but he had never
perspired SO much and felt as small as
he did at that banquet, between those
two girls, when the raw oyster went
down outside Of his stomach and inside
his vest, and he hailed the arrival of
that oyster into the heel of his stocking
with more delight than he did the rails
ing Of the American flag over Vicks-
burg, after the long siege. Eyes,
Madam" f" said he, as the lady was going
away rather indignant at the course the
conversation had taken, a raw oyster
will go further than a stewed oyster,
but the last half Of the distance it goes
awful slow, unless fellow can stand
up and shake his trousers Leg And
the deacon took the only umbrella there
was in the rack, which he knew was
not his own, and told one of the
younger sisters he would see her home,
as he was going her way, when the old
rascal lived ON the other side of the
town, and she knew it. O, there is a
heap Of religion in all Of US, if you can
only get it Out.-Peck'S San.