Middletown transcript., 1881-04-01
Josb BILLINGS, Lecture.

Lille, at lHlQQleEOWn HAIL. on w eu0eSua5
evening, to moderately large and thor
oughly appreciative audience. All the
reserved seats, about one hundred and
fifty in number, were sold in advance Of
the lecture. The unfavorable weather
doubtless prevented the attendance Of
many people from distance, who had a
desire to hear the excentricities of this
humorist who enjoys a reputation that
reaches to every corner of America. Josh
was introduced by Rev. Mr.. Alexander,
and started little ripple of laughter be-
fore he had said word. Doubtless a few
had their expectations fixed at too high a
point and were disappointed, but large
majority Of the audience seemed to get a
great deal of enjoyment out Of the ninety
minutes Of humor. Josh's jokes fell like
hail stones on a tin roof and only few of
them failed to affect good portion of his
auditors, and occasionally an unusually
clever and pointed piece of pleasantly
would make a general ten-strike of laugh
ter and applause. Josh says that only q
few women can enjoy humor thoroughly,
but when one can there is no half way bus
mess about it. There is much truth in
this, as any one could see by looking over
the audience on Wednesday evening. The
men did the most of the laughing, but
quite number of ladies couldn't crowd
back d good laugh, not even with hand
kerchief We may say, they smiled out
| loud. OF course, many of the best hits
made by the humorist have appeared in
his writings, and have 'traveled the
rounds" insthe newspapers, but i'll cold
| type they are not near so mirth-provoking
as when uttered by Josh in that dry, fun
nv way he has about him. The following
are a few of the jokes that appeared to
strike the audience as being the most mirth
provoking:
"There is no sure cure for laziness, that
I know of, but I have known second
wife to hurry it some"
'You cook crabs by billing 'em in pot,
about bushel Of 'em, and when they stop
biting they are done"
"Mosquitoes are born OF poor but indus
trious parents, and have some of the best
blood in their veins in the land"
"Bathers at Long Branch resemble ner-
maids, being about half men and half
women, and when they come out of the
water you can't tell tother from which,
unless you ask them.''
"I have known mules to be good mules
for six months, Just to get a good chance
to kick somebody"
"The best way to be happy is not to
want anything until you have got it,"
"The happiest man I ever knew had no
undergarment, until sewing society pre-
sented him with a cotton-seclusion for
his body, and got him riled up because
the collar of the seclusion was not starched |
stiff enough"
"a man who can wear a paper collar a |
whole week-and keep it clean-ain't good |
for anything else.''
ga live man in town is like a case of
itch in a district school. He sets every
body around him to scratching"
"A man who, i'll cold weather, can sit
down and draw New Orleans molasses
through halfinch augur hole, and sing
Home, sweet home, while it is running,
amt fit for the year 1881"
"When was boy would sooner be
whipped twice than be postponed once"
"An honest man is the noblest work of
God, we are told, but have always
thought that large part Of the first edition
is still in the authors hands.
II never bet anything on a man who
tells what he would have done if he had
been there. He never gets there"
81 have come to the conclusion that the
best way to bring boy up is-to bring
him up the back way
ait is good deal with boys as it is with
colts; if you don't get more than one fast
one out Of ten you ought to be satisfied"
manifest destiny is disease. I Thought
had it once bad-and / sent a specimen
Of the disease to the atlantic Monthly. I
received the following reply: Dear sir:-
You may be darned fool, but you are no
poet; yours affectionately, etc."
81 do not know what Jonah thought
when he was in the whale's-society; but
do know that if he had been a yankee he
would have rugged rudder on him, run
him into port and claimed salvage on the
blubber."
"The man who has been waiting for
fifteen years for something to turn up is
still at work at the same job"
''When / hear a man Dragging about
what he did last year, and what he will
do next year, I can tell pretty we'll what
he is doing this year."
= Young man, never take the bull by
the horns. Take him by the tail, and then
you can let 60 when you want to-.
"It is impossible to do anything we'll
with flea on you-excopt swear
'I never take any foolish chances
When am called upon to mourn over a
dead mule I always stand a his head to do
my mourning"
:" Love is like the measles. We can't {
have it real bad but once, and the later in
life we have it the harder it goes with u.s." I
In instrueting a young girl how to act
when her lover proposes, Josh said he
wouldn't advise her to fly back, exactly,
nor to fly forward, and, if he wanted to ]
kiss her, he wouldn't advise her to say
% yes, - and not exactly "no," but "rather
10 sort Of let things take their course"
Josh is full of philosophy and fun. His
true name is Henry w. Shaw, and he has
his washing done at Poughkeepsie, n. Y.
He has been in the lecture field nineteen /,
years, and is about sixty-fiye years Of age.
School Examinations.
The school examinations at the Aca-
deny this week have been Of much in s
Ierest to both parents and teachers. The
second and fifth departments were ex-