The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-04-20
FLOATING FANOIES.

down from SIC to $12, you have secured
customer.
Western settler overwhelmed BY spring
freshet)-"House gone! Stock gone, Barn
gone! Guess I kin stand it, though; old
Woma gone, too"
A celebrated physician Boosting at dinner
that he cured his WI hams, one of his
guests observed: doctor, I would a great
deal sooner be your ham than your patient. z"
Z" play only by note" said a pianist.
"seems to me you could do more execution
if you played by ear" remarked Fogg.
s'such a. reach, you know" And the pianist
reached for Fogg, who got himself out of
the way just il time.
An old couple from Hokocus were walk
ing down Broadway the other day reading
signs, when they ran across one which the
old man read: "Johnson's Shirt Store. -
''Well, / declare !" said the old lady. Il
wonder who tore it,
g. young woman applied to the relief bu-
reau in Galveston the other day with a paper
containing the following: 'This unfortunate
woman is the only daughter Of an old and
childless father, and she supports several
young brothers BIZ her work"
Tommy is crying bitterly: ''What,'' says
bis sympathizing sister shave they done to
you?" "Nothing.'' ssDid your nurse scold
you?" emo" 'Did Harry strike you?'
"No tWhat then is the matter 90 II
just feel that I'm going to be bad to-day that
is ALL"
A voice from the waste paper basket Of
Punch-Cynical and waggish friend (to ed
itor): Il suppose you often get good things
sent you?" Editor (incautiously): "Occa-
sionally." Cynical wag. "Ah! but they
never appear" (Chuckles). Editor: so
disappointed contributors always tell me-"
a clergyman once while reading the burial
came to place where he must say, "Our
deceased brother Cor sister," He did not
know which; so, turning to q mo,lrner, be
asked whether it was q t'brother'' or a ssis- |
ter" The mourner innocently said: s.No
relation at all, sir-only an acquaintance"
I think it very strange that I CAM have
what | want" she muttered. 'sYou have
plenty of money and little to do with it but
crafty your wife's wishes" 'sQuite true"
he responded, "but money won't buy what
you most want Il don't understand you
sir" "My dear. what you most want is to
be born again."
The other day the Galveston Recorder was
grossly insulted by o prisoner, who is o reg
utarly ordained chicken-thief, for which Of
fense-herwas being tried. II fine you $780,
said~the Recorder. "Jedge, efyou will take
itoEt in chickens I'll let you hab dem chick
ems you missed last week at ten cents less dan
de market price"
Pop" queried the youngster of his father,
as they were walking hand in hand to church
one Sabbath morning, 'sdoes our minister
keep q candy store ?" stWhy, whatever put
that into your head?" said the father, smil-
ing at the absurdity Of the question. "Well,
Iheard Deacon Barker say that he didn't Ike
the parson because he gave the Lord too
much taffy."
A Paris paper announces 8 new way Of
making an acquaintance. A snob about to |
enter a restaurant meets q lady and salutes
her with the utmost courtesy. Excuse me, =
she says, 'I believe I have not the pleasure
- "a thousand pardons, lady," says the
snob, 81 mistook you for another charming |
lady, the Countess Fedora, Of Falconberg,'
and she's so fattered that she Immediately
enters into conversation.
Getting even: There has been a great deal
of bad feeling between two Galveston fami-
lies, hence there Was much surprise when
they intermarried. A friend in speaking to
the father Of the bride, asked if the families
had made friends mot a BIT Of it. I hate
every bone in my son-in-laW's body" "Why
did you let him marry your daughter then?'
ITO get even with him. guess you don't
know that girls mother as well as ! do"
Umbrella filtration: To place your UNI
brella in q rack indicates that it is about to
change owners. A umbrella carried over
the woman, the man getting nothing but the
%drippings Of the rain signifies courtship.
When the man has the umbrella and the Wo-
man the drippings it indicates marriage. TO
carry it at right angles under your arm signi-
tes that an eye is to be lost by the man who
follows you. To put 8 cotton umbrella BY
the side of q nice silk one signifies "Ex-