The Russellville Democrat., 1881-12-15
TEXAS WIT.
A Column of Funny Things From the "rexas siftiDgs."
 HE TOOK

'sTexas siftiDgs."
 "Do you ever take anything?" asked an Austin candidate leading g prominent citizen into saloon.
 Do ever take anything? Don't you remember 1 have been member of the Legislature7"
 That settled it. He took something.
 A fashionable Austin lady read aloud a paragraph in newspaper to the effect that President Arthur was well off and a bachelor.
 "Of course he is well off if he is not married" was the brutal reply of the husband.
 The lady has since consulted lawyer as to the grounds that constitute a plea for divorce.
 MRS. FLAPJAcK's OPPORTUNITY.
 "The burning of the Capitol is sad affair."" said Gilhooly to Gus De Smith.
 That's so, but it will be bonanza to my landlady, Mrs Flapack."
 How sop
 "Well, there will have to be an extra session of the legislature, and she may be able to collect some money from the members who went off last session with out paying her."
 Your son." observed phrenologist, running his hands through the hair on an Austin boys head, "has an intellec- tual head. He will be great man."
 Heaven be praised for that, i" respond ed the parent of the boy: Eff he grows up to be that kind of man, there is no danger of his being nominated for gov enor. He will never be statesman, but will follow some legitimate busi- ness in which he can make an honest living"
 DO I INTRUDE?
 Some people, when they are tight, are very considerate. Not long since Gus De Smith, being under the influence of a dinner party, called at the residence of Col. MrSillkIns, on Austin Avenue.
 "Ish Col. McSpillkinsh in? want ter see him on 'portant biznish."
 "Yes, sab" responded the dusky me nial.
 "Sho heesh in, is he? Well, ef heesh in never mind dishturbin' him on my account. "I'll call again shom day when heesh out"
 TO MUCH MOUTH.
 An Austin gentleman who has a re- rBahly large mouth, almost as big as that of river, but whose name we sup. press out of regard for our own personal safety, was visited on his birthday by number of his little nephews and nieces. (Which of you all did your uncle kiss frst?" asked the mother on the return of the children.
 "We all kissed him at the same time. Uncle has such nice big mouth, you know, mamma"
 NO CONSOLATION.
 "I have heard" said Gus De Smith to Nose Schumburg, "that the fellow who stole your money, and ran off with it, has been killed in Colorado. He has certainly gone to Hades. You had ought to be glad"
 q would pc much more glad ven got my money pack" responded Nose, ''it don't do me no good ven dot tam raschal goes to dot place, ven have to pay his travelling expenses outen my own book et."
 NOT THAT KIND OF A MAN
 On election day a Awaken negro en- tered a store on Austin avenue, and threatened the life of the proprietor, who took the intruder by the arm and led him down the street to the lookup. after a prolonged scuffle on the street. There were so many candidates hugging colored voters and pulling them along toward saloons, on the street, that in less than half an hour it was rumored all over town that the merchant was ont as a dark horse for Mayor and was polling big colored vote.
 WORD TO THE WISE.
 A certain farmer had in his coop a duck and rooster. It was in his inten- tion to keep the rooster to awaken him from his slumbers in the morning, and to kill the duck for dinner. Going out in the night he accidently caught hold of the rooster instead of the duck, and would have certainly chopped the chan ticleer's head off. had not the shrewd bird crowed lustily, thus making himself known by his voice, and preserving his life by his melody, so to speak.
 This fable teaches that word in sea. son, is most precious. It should also teach Federal officials and Texas news papers that they will find it to their ad. tantage to crow early and often.
 sELasH FRITZ.
 Nose Schaunburg and Gilhooly were talking about matters and things on Austin avenue, when Nose Schsumbure that Fritz, the saloon keeper, was the best friend he had on earth
 What does he do for you?" asked 
 "Vel, he wash so goot. and he loves me so much, dot ven l has had enough, he refuses to give me more, and lets me not go home till l wash sober"
 "So you think Fritz does that because he loves you?"
 Ave course; wy not"
 Nonsense; he don't let you go home tight because then your wife would never let you come again, and he would lose his best customer. He knows what sort of wife you have got"
 "Is dot SOP" said Nose. drawing a sigh, and breaking off the conversation.
 The Husband of Mrs. Siddons.