The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-01-22
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES

a
The best thing in corsets-A woman.
How to shine in society-Get polished up.
Order of nighthood-Put on your nightcap,
Be virtuous and you will be-a curiosity
Xotiern -irgo.
One Goldfish yields 900 900 eggs. This is what
keeps up the aristocracy.
Many grocers should call their scales ambush,
Because they lie in weight.
The hen becomes rooster when the sun goes
down.
Edison is the most promising man in the
country He doesn't make light of his promises
either.
People returning from the French capital have
s'pzen" look-sort Of Paris grin
The force OF habit made Scranton barber ask
while shaving corpse, docs the razor hurt"
"Oh, that's one of his fainssw remarked al
business man when he was told that a compcti-
tor had again succumbed to the pressure of hard
times
An elephant travelling out West, whose trunk
was not checked, drank up all the water in the
tender OF the locomotive, SO that the train was
obliged to stop.
Gather" said the bakers GIRL 81 must marry
the man love" "Doughnut do it, my daugh.
ter, and you'll never knead for anything" was
the reply of the obstinate old man.
She had sued for breach of promise and the
verdict of the jury was against her. want toI
poll the juryT she was asked. yes do. Jcs'
gimme the pole for two minutes"
The Detroit Free Press says that "the author of
'Molie Darling lives in Toledo" The wonder
il that he is allowed to live at all.-N,1n Orleans
Picdytne.
An Ohio man has taken the smallpox from n
pet pig. When once this disease gets into \
family, it is pretty sure to go through it.-Gai
WESTON NepS.
A Bay City (Michl philosopher tried to stop a
runaway horse by taking hold of a wheel Of the
carriage When he stopped revolving he wasn't
any better looking than he was before, but he
Knew more.
They are picking frozen oranges from the trees
in Florida, and this novel luxury is said to afford
some small compensation for the unaccustomcd
rgors OF Manitoba wave in that latitude.
An international convention OF amateur poets
is soon to be held in Philadelphia. Its object is
TO devise some means of compelling publishers
10 pay for poetry by the yard, instead of by the
pound,
An English lady on the occasion of the ensuing
census has determined to calculate her age on
Grniths valuation; and If her lord and master
refuses to accept her view of the question, she
intends TO Boycott him.
\ once wealthy Chicago merchant has gone
into bankruptcy. lie undertook the contract of
nllng Chicago girls Christmas stockings and
the feet" was more than he could accomplish
\ Northern paper praises the "Indan Hair
Rcstorcr" He is fraud. No Indian was ever
known to restore any hair. He files it away as a
certificate on which to draw rations from Uncle
Sam.
Some Of the women called on New Years
day said Il Kentucklan visiting New York. chad
the bad taste To offer me wine. As il I'd take
wine when had bottle Of odd Crow in my
pocket"
dreamy writer says it would be curious to
follow pound Of silk from its spinning until it
becomes lady's dress. No doubt but most
men prefer to follow 1t after 1t becomes dress
farmer nearly lost his life by sinking in n quag.
mire, adds: MEN who do not subscribe for pa.
Per must expect to be sucked in every now and
then"
when vessel loses its masts, why do they
call temporary one jury mast Fathcr%
"Tm sure don't krow," said the Father; 'un.
less it's because it's a mast that doesn't amount
to much" What an idea, to be sure!
Tho OHIO Editorial Association will descend
upon Washington next Thursday Hayes is
bracing himself for the onslaught. He keeps
nothing but frozen rum punch in the White
House, but it is said to be awfully strong.
Those who are scared to death over the great
amount Of distress 1881 is to bring should rcmcm.
Der that in 1880 We had perihelion, and not
more than half the people in the world knew the
hrst thing about it; and perihelions are very
dangerous, especially when first caught and
kind o wild like
The Earlyille Gazette, in describing the acci.
dent TO Miss Moss and her companions the other
eeeaing, says that 'the train struck them, Kill.
ing the horse instantly and the fore Part Of the
buggy" What sad bereavement to the buggy
family. -Sandvich Argus.
financially minded youth got up the follow.
ing verse in a Detroit Sunday School:
Should all the banks OF England break
Should England's bank be smashed
Bring in your checks to lions bank,
Aud you will get them cashed.
The man who Invented the gas.meter never
thought he had found perpetual motion. Blu.
he did, though. just you leave home a couple
OF months, and you will find that meanw while It
goes right on, just like the salary OF a clergy.
man who has gone to Europe for his health.
An oregon paper, TO say something smart
about Ben. Butler, put this In "who will care
Tor the Widow Butler now, Rattle her bones