The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1881-01-15
SELF-ACCUSATION.

l HAVE frittered away the happiness of my
life.
Why did marry herr had often made
this mental query; did SO in the very days
which directly followed our honeymoon.
Still l loved her, as L love her still. The fact
Is, should never have married at all.
She is most peculiar character. l did
not understand her in her girlhood, and, l
fear, do not understand her yet. Ideas are
fermenting within her, of which I can form
no conception; and now and then her eyes
reflect strange, incomprehensible emotions,
which soon again disappear to her inner
self, just like prisoners who at times peep
forth from their bars into the outer world
and then retire again to the concealment Of
their cells. She is my wife and / hold her
as few other men would. She bears my
name, sits by my side when l drive out, or
takes my arm when l promenade; but l
know perfectly well that the loved one be-
longs no longer to me, that she is but the
shadow of the blithe Pauline whom won in
the bloom of her rosy youth.
She had been an unlOved child. Hence,
from her infancy, she had striven for indie
pendence, and at nineteen her object was
gained. At that age she was already earn
ing livelihood by writing tor different pub
locations. That was for her a period of
struggling and suffering, which taught her
lessons that are seldom learned until the
hair is already silvered, which imposed bur-
dens upon her that should by right be borne
only by age and manhood. But she knew
how to preserve her youthful freshness of
mind and body, she conquered all hard :
ships, and was when / first met her an ad-
mired and courted authoress. But now, ex-
isting in happy independence and easy cir
cumstances, she failed to profit by the les :
sons taught her in bitter experience. She
remained woman-whOse reason is i'm
pulse, whose principal is inclination, whose
hnl hninU iG mn - lAxra
She was not beautiful, hardly even pretty.
but there was something-I don'tknow what
lin her enchanting face, in the unaffected
effervescence of her ways, that bewitched
everybody. For her sake, old men as well
as young ones became guilty OF the most
egregious follies. She did not trust them /;
her experience protected her from that: but
perhaps she amused herself with them till
she was tired of them or until new whims
engaged her fancy.
1t was in the country that learned to
know her. Although distantly related, we
had never met. So fate brought me during a
summer vacation to my aunt, who was living
in small, picturesque village on the Pataps-
CO. Had been cognizant Of Pauline's pres
ence, should not have gone thither. / en-
tertained a sort of aversion for the woman
What heard of her in the city was not cal
cufated to raise her very high in the estima-
tiou ot staid, dignified limb of the law like
myself.
say aunt received me warmly, but her
first words after the greeting, the announce
ment that Pauline had come week before,
and would in all likelihood stay some time
longer, threw q chill upon me. / could not
altogether conceal my displeasure. My aunt
observed it.
"COme, come, George" she said, ''do not
condemn her before you know her; this you
will have ample opportunity to do In the
time you remain here"
Pauline was not in the cottage. After ex-
aiming my room, disposing Of my luggage,
and arranging my dress l strollod into the
woods to seek my favorite haunts. Nearing
a lovely, secluded spot, close by the bank OF
the stream was wont to frequent on former
visits to my aunt, was suddenly arrested
IN my progress by the menacing grows OF 9
dog. Peering through the bushes, saw a
girl sitting upon a messy knoll, beneath a
shady holly; at her feet lay large New.
Ioundland, who had raised his head and