Litchfield enquirer., 1881-12-08

Will the coming man shut the door behind hlm is the latest inquiry. It is to be hoped that he will, for the going man seldom does. An honest Hbernian, when asked if he h Id a pleasant time at the picnic, replied: .spll not disave ye, sorr; 1t was dull time; sorra d black eye on the ground till afther three o'clock.
 A Fair Haven item: A little four-years- old, seeing her fathers clerk oD his return from the barber,s shop, said, .sAnnty, he looks very fresh, as if he had been born again.
 It is sententiously remarked that "a man may as we'll havethe game as the name" It does seem so, come ito look at it, and that is why we pity Pharaoh, who had the name and not the game. IG 5EA*5
 A pet poodle in Springfield recently died and it's body was laid out Tn silk lined cas- ket. where it ''looked natural" during funeral ceremonies and was then carried to Westfield and buried beside it's canipe parent
 Preacher (arriving drenched )-"What shall do, Mrs McG-egor? I am wet through and drought. Old otchwomans s-''G Get into the pulpit as sune asye can. .~f Yen be dhry eno' there."
 A correspondent of an agricultural monthly asks: Why does Timothy run out ?r We haven't time to read the editors reply, but if Timothy is at a theatrical performance the answer may be very readily surmised The retort courteous He (after proposing and being rejected)-''I suppose in the end you will be marrying some idiot of fellow" She (breaking in)-''Exuse me, if meant to do that should have accepted your offer" Said Ragbag to young Symonds: ''No; it isn't that there's any great affection between Gallagher and myself. Our tastes are not alike. We don't particularly enjoy each oth- CTS society. The reason we're so cordial and frendlyis that each knows heap ab ut the others performances It wouldn't do for us to quarrel.''
 An epitaph on tombstone in Pewsey churchyard, Dorset: Here lies the body of Lady O 'Lurry, grand-niece of Burke, com monly called the Sublime. She was bland, passionate and deeply religious; also she painted in water colors and sent several pie tnres t0 the exhibition. She was first cousin of Lady JoLes, and of such is the kingdom of heaven"
 [, T see you have the motto Excelsior over | your door," remarked a stranger who entered | Detriot saloon the other day. ''Yes; I gif painter two tolar for dot" 'It's beauti | ful motto." ''Yes, think so." ''You know Wuat it uiCdurs SuppOSt! 'OI course It l means dot when one of der poys says Shalk it down, Yacob,' shafk him on der neck mid>a l glub. doan' take feefty tollar for dat motto. "Why are you so late, my love ?" she ask ed as he came staggering homo at three a. m. l IS S-Smith," was all he could utter ''What -Smith3" she echoed. sDid LII say Smith?" he queried. Il m-ment B-B- Brown" ''What -Brown!" she said, in agony. 'N-no, n-n-no, onf hn T ''This is too much," she shrieked. 'Thats w-w-what t-told 'em," he said, as he sat down on an invisible chairs
 It is told about Las Vegas girl. While sitting under tree at Mineral City waiting for her lover, cinnamon bear came along and approaching from behind began to hug her. leaned back and enjoyed it hugely, murmur- ing, s'tighter." It broke the bear all up and he retreated to the bill and hid in the forest three days to get over his mortifcation.-TLa Las Vegas Optic.
 Boston compositors, if we may judge from recent paragraphs, must be perverse The Be ston Journal says: ''An editor is helpless before the man who sets up his CODY, and if the proof-reader aids and abets him, as he sometimes will, the writer may better hope to be Kansas farmer and fight off grass hop pers successfully than to avert the ravages these twain will make in his statements
 Charley Smallface is continually mislaying | his memorandum book. We noticed it care 1 fully hung up on the floor of his room this morning and opened it at the last entry which was: My father says 'ans honest man is the noblest work of god Essaw the same remark in newspaper. This proves the old man a plagiarist, and no plagiarst is an honest man. There is no 'noblest work in our family"
 The inability of lawyer to answer ques- tion directly is illustrated by recent ex- change of letters between the Chicago lawyer Emery A. Storrs and friend. The latter asked Mir. Storrs whether his first name was Emery" or Emory" and Mr. Storrs began his reply by saying: My signature hereunto appended will settle the e and question" !" and then he wrote three pages about social and political matters. at the end of which were these words: ''Yours truly, Storrs." The train had run into snowdFift and the engine was putting it's head in vain against a six foot bank. For once the iron horse ap pears to be beaten," remarked fat woman in second class carriage ''You shouldn't call it an iron horse," mildly reproved solemn faced man. ''Why not?" asked the fat wo- man ln some surprise. Because it's block tin, softly murmured the solemn-faced man as he gaZed out of the window and across the 1 wintery waste with a far-away look in his eye.
 A colored Baptist preacher illustrated the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints' as held by Methodists and Baptists as follows ''De Methodiss, my bruddren. is like de ass-hopper-hoppin', all de time hopin'- hop into heaven, hop out, hop into heaven, hop out But, my bruddren, de Baptiss, when he get to heaven, Aes dar! De Baptiss is like de 'possum. Hunter get after him, he climb de tree; he shake de limb, one foot gone; he shake de limb, auudder foot gone i: he shake de limb, ebbery foot gone: but tink you. my bruddren, 'possuns ta1? You know, my bruddren-you cotch too many-you know 'p0ssunn hang on dy de tad, and de berry | debbil can't shake him off,"