The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1881-04-15
Old Tests.


Old Tests.
Some people are never satisfied. how
ever fortunate they may be. A nurse
maid in the service of an English family
in Russia left her place to get married,
but had not been long welded ere she
complained to the Natchalaish of the
district in which she was domiciled that
her husband did not love her as he
should do; and, on the official inquiring
how she knew it, replied, Because he
never whips me-" Doubtless the dis
appointed one meant what she said, but
she might have changed her note had
her desire been gratifed; like the young
wife suddenly bereaved of rich old
husband, who refused to believe her
dear partner could be so cruel as to
leave her, crying out: "H He's alive,
doctor; I'm sure he's alive; tell me,
don't you think so?'' This piteous ap-
peal the physician met by suggesting
the application of galvanic shock. and
offering to apply the apparatus. 80 no.
moi" exclaimed the grief-stricken
widow; s'hard as it is to bear my fate.
I will have no experiments against the
law of nature; let him rest in peace!"
When it is desirable to put any one to
the test, there is nothing like doing SO
without warning. An actor, fond OF
playing practical jokes at the expense of
"utility men, heard that one of them
his particular aversion-had boosted
that if any trick was played upon him
he would turn the tables in way that
would astonish the actor. The latter,
of course, resolved to test the boosters
readiness on the first opportunity. He
did not have to wait long for the chance.
One night, when the house was crowd
ed, the carpenters failed to get scene
ready in time, and a "dead stick " en-
sued. knowing his man, the stage
manager entreated the joke-loving actor
to 60 on and "gag" for few minutes.
"Certainly,'' replied he; and, seeing
the utility man at the wing, he seized
him by the wrist, and, spite of resist
ance, dragged him to the center of the
stage, and said: "YOur sister, then,
has been betrayed. Tell me the story!"
The frightened fellow had no story to
tell, to the crafty joker's delight.
Whether the audience in front and the
manager behind were equally pleased
the record saith not.
In golden days the Burgesses Of
Grimsby were wont to decide which
among them should be Mayor by very
odd process. Having chosen three Of
their number as eligible for the position,
they blindfolded them, tied punches Of
hay at their backs, and conducted them
to the common pond, where a calf
awaited their coming. He whose bunch
of hay was first eaten by the calf was
pronounced most worthy of the Mayor
atty, and installed into Office accord
ingly.
William Thompson, the once famous
Maori Chief, adopted a shrewd method
of deciding which of his two sons should
succeed him. As they stood before him
as he lay sick unto death, he suddenly
addressed himself to the elder, saying
''Shortland, take down that gun and
the hut The youth was about to obey
the order readily enough when his
brother interviewed with: "Why should
you kill the man? What harm has he
done to us?'' Then said the old Chief
s.Yes, that is right. You have what is
wanted-sense and discretion. You
will take my place when 1 am gone. -
And SO the succession was settled.
Humboldt" said Middlesex militia
Captain, sis an overrated man; there is
very little in him, and he knows no more
of geography than my terrier there. I
met him once at the Russian Ambassa-
doris at Paris, and put him to the proof.
As long as he was talking of the Andes
and the Cordilleras, and places which
none but himself had ever heard of, he
carried it all his own way; but the mo-
ment put straightforward question
to him, which any school-boy might
have answered, he was floored. Now,
Baron, said L, 'can you tell me where
Turnham Green is?' Upon my honor,
he knew no more about it than I know
about Jericho" The conclusion was as
inevitable as that drawn by the English
carpenter working at the Vienna Exhi-
bitiOn, who complained to newspaper
correspondent: s'Only fancy, sir, here 8
Friday-two days after the race-and
third for the Derby yet; and they call
this here country ciNbszeS"'
Mr.. Sala says that blind man might
tell the different denominations of Rus
sian notes by using his nose to deter
mine their value; the; rule being, the
lower the value the ''louder" the smell.
A hundred-rouble note will be redolent
of patchouly, jockey club. or some
equally fashionable perfume; while the
single-rouble note usually reeks of tai
low or coarse tobacco. Chansbers's
Journal.
"A flock of snow birds has lived for
over five years in the Courthouse tower
at Norristown, Pa, yet with every stroke
of the bell announcing the hours as they
passed the birds have never ceased to
leave the tower in the greatest conster-