The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1881-10-08
sCRAGGS COMMENDs

MoRaANTowN, w VAIL
October 3st, 1881.

EDITOR New DoNnNIoN:-We de-
sire to call the attention of the public
to the wisdom manifested by the city
fathers of the Athens ofNNest Virgin
ill., How they are advancing in arts
and sciences, and especially in the
art Of making all the individuals
who reside in and about the town
rich, and consequently happy and
contentea. 1t was brilliant idea,
and no doubt was conceived by a
most philanthropic and philosophical
mind to employ all persons in the 81
entity Of the town to come with their
teams and horses and hands and
haul the dirt and sediment from the
bottom of the Monongahela river
and deposit it upon the streets of the
town, so that when the river rises this
superabundance of deposit will not
be submerged by the raging
waters or carried away to fertilize the
fields Of our Yankee ncighbors in the
commonwealth that lie below us in
the valley of the Monongahela. There
are many advantages to be reaped
from this eccentric but profound idea
of the utilitarian common council Of
the modern Athens, in addition to
that mentioned, of preventing the fer
tilization of the already superabund-
antly fruitful fields below us; for cx-
ample, to wit: lntermingled with
the sand sediment and craw fish de-
posit is an occasional pebble from the
size Of homeopathic pill or fish egg
to that Of a small sized COW pumpkin,
and these are just the thing that
have long since been needed to ena-
BILE small urchins to indulge their
natural propensity for heaving
ground seeds" And if a general
row should occur it will enable the
combatants to make times lively, as
there will be no scarcity Of missiles.
If windows shall be broken it will
make work for mechanics, and il
bones are broken or eyes extinguished
it will make business for the doctors.
And In these panic times tbs wise to
make labor plenty to keep up appear
ances, and to keep down labrr strikes
and riots.
1t was phlanthropic to place sc
great quantity of mire and first
class missiles in such close proximity
to the public school where the chill
dren, when let loose from Professor
Hodges rigorous discipline, will fine
mud and gravel to throw and a sane
pile to wallow in without having t.
90 far out of the way. How often
If children should play truant, it viii
be in sight Of the school building
and all Prof Hodges will have TO dc
will be to send ont a squad Of his ca
diets armed with sings and rivel
stones and capture the dcserters ant
march them in.
Again, it is well known that fevers
are generally bred from the malaria
that arises from marshes and the bot
toms Of rivers &C., and from the filth
that generally finds its way into piles
of coal ashes in which Is buried the
ofall of Kitchen, and perhaps a hog
pen or two, so that instead of vast
ing these fertilizing substances hy
casting them out Upon the ground in
the vicinity Of the place, they are
utilized by placing them where they
will generate disease and sickness,
and make business for nurses and
doctors.
The great wisdom, therefore, ofour
city fathers, who are progressive
set OF men, induces them to avail
themselves Of the drought and
drainage and ash piles to generate
malaria and fever to kill off all the
old fogies and superfuous population
and make business for those that re-
main. And then the corn cob coun-
ty court Of the new constitution hay
ing refused whisky license, thus de-
priving citizens Of the inalienablc
right of destroying their lives by
poison, so the benevolent conncilmen
are doing the next best thing under
TIC Observation-Disclosures. Dub tiIc Cllci
beauty Of the plan Of depos-
iting these fcrtiIizing substances up
on the streets is this: In the spring
of the year, just before commence.
ment day of the University, there
will be a general cleaning mp so that
the Athens will be in her best "bit
and tucker" and make favorable
impression upon the great and good
men who compose the board of re
gents. And then the deposit will
after due consideration, deliberation
and determination, be wisely and jul
diciously ordered by the common
council to be scraped into piles and
hauled out and thrown over the hill.
The council should send to the
country and employ more teams and
men and make good use Of their OPP
portunities to distribute ash piles,
river sediment and other debris
which can be had at advantage.
Yours truly,
julius CEsER SCRAGGs.