Daily Republican., 1881-03-17

A tailor at Biggleswade, near Bed
ford, was accused Of being drunk. HI
emphaticalIy denied the charge. Tht
chief witness against him was q police
man, who vigorously asseverated thai
the tailor was both drunk and abu
sive. The Bench could moi, decide. and
adjourned the case for further evidence
the accused being told that he might
bring witnesses to support this state
ment. He said he would bring his
wife, but was informed chat that was
useless as a wife cannot give evidence
on behalf of her husband. "Oh mine
can" answered the tailor, "because
married my deceased wite's sisterin-
law.
The late Bishop Ames Of Baltimore
had large fund Of dry humor. Once
while presiding over Western confer,
ence, q brother began to dsclaim against
colleges, seminaries, &C., and thanked
Heaven he never had been corrupted by
contact with a college. The Bishop
interrupted him with the question
"Do understand that the brother
thanks heaven for his ignorance ?"
"Well, yes, was the answer, "you can
put it in that way if you want to-"
"Well," said the Bishop, "all have
to say is that the brother has great
deal to thank Heaven foIn
A little boy at Oil City recently came
into possession of miniature print
ing press. One day he printed card
bearing the legend "Paint Look out!"
By some means this card became
astened to his sisters hat, and hung
Just above her left ear, where he who
ran could read, and when she went
down the street there was a grin ex.
tending clear I. )m Pearl avenue to the
and that night the boy
traded off his printing press for yel
low dog ani q popgun.-Oil City Der
rick.
The colored people who recently
prayed for rain are now petitioning for
a "let up" While the colored peo-
pie Of our section prayed for rain at
nightly prayer meetings those Of snoth-
er neigh borhood prayed for sunshine.
The minister OF the wet district sent
The following note to the dry: "You
folks ought to be ashamed OF yourselves.
This crosscut prayin' Is enough 10 get
The Lord so bothered that he don't know
what to do"
Beauties Of moral courage: "You
ook 80 happy that suppose you have
been to the dentist ana b ad that achiug
.ooth pulled" said Galveston man to
1 friend with q swollen jaw. ''It amt
hat that makes me look happy. The
Doth aches worse than ever, but don't
eel it." "How is that2" swell, II
eel so jolly because | have just been to
he dentist and he was out" and tho
,sppy man cut pigecn-wing on the
idewalk.-Galveston News.
A cutting reply. An Italian Usher
nan was going down Galveston avenue
'alling his fish, or rather, not calling
hem, for fish can't hear, but crying
ais fish. thus: "Freshi fishi." "Oh,
lou't make such row." "When my
ishi have so big mouth as you, then |
10 need CALI fishi-then freshi fshi
all for themself. Dammi. ."-Galves-
on News.
81 have no patience, Smith, with q
nan who can't remember q thing
10 longer than its being told him."
reclaimed Jones impatiently. snow
an carry q thing in my mind month,
need be-" You're q lucky dog,
opes," remarked Smith, quietly, at
,n't everybody that has SO much
oom in his mind as you have, you
now"
A couple Of young men staying ua-
onscionably late one night with their
weethssrts, we're surprised to See the
old man" looking abont the hall, and
nally the parlor as though in search
something. "Whst are you looking
n. paf" at last asked one OF the girls.
The moruiDe pspera!" growled the
ID man, and the young men took q
asty leave. !,