Middletown transcript., 1881-08-12
Ghe Stliddlrturun Granstript
CHIPS.

large he can't get to heaven.-Statt-
tpater LaHnberman.
When a member Of the New York
Legislature is asked by the barkeeper
what he will take, the absent minded
reply is, $1,000. .''-Peck's San.
Some Of the Arkansas farmers have
begun naming NANCY, sheep-stealing
dogs "Guiteau." This is dirty,
mean fling at the dogs.-Oa City Der
rick.
"Will you take some ice cream this
evening ?'' eyes, and tomorrow even
ing, and any other evening, when it's
a good evening-for ice cream. ''-Keo-
XIX Gate City.
Melinda cannot see why a certain
captain should always want to hug the
shore, when there were so many good
looking girls on his excursion boat
Philadelphia Sun.
1t is said that man up here has a
mouse trap factory and bung factory
combined He gets the bungs out OF
the holes he makes in the mouse traps.
-Ne,U York Dispatch.
When a man wanders forth in the
cleaning with spirits and eye-lids cast
down, it's safe to assume he is moan
ing bout children and wife out of
4 O:I Or;t,, noa.,.;cL
If New England girl goes to Min
nesota to teach school, some fellow
comes along and marries her, and
breaks up the whole educational scheme
of the district. HaUen Register.
A flag is usually kept oyerthe Maine
State Prison. 1t is a beautiful idea,
for as the prisoners gaze upon the
crimson folds they are reminded that
they live in the land of the free.-Rock-
land Courier.
A Peshtigo man ran over his mother
in-law with a harvester She was
much cut up about it. There ought
to be law against this going armed
with harvesters, mowers and horse hay
rakes.-Peck's San.
Il am coming by and by, there is
fire within my eye, and I'll give you
storms until you sing psalm I'm a
weather prophet bold, and this sun
shine | foretold sing hey the jolly
Vennor that l am.-Keok,tk Gate City.
Geographical: "Where is the island
of Java situated ?'' asked an Austin
school teacher Of a small, rather for.
lorn-looking boy. 81 dunno, sir
"Don't you know where coffee comes
from ?'' ( Yes, sir; we borrow il
ready parched from the next-dool
neighbor.-Aasstin (Ter.) S1tings.
Until boy is about fifteen years ole
his chief craving is to be a hero. Afte.
that he begins to experience a change
His dreams of scalping Indians gradu
ally fade out, and the highest notch 0
his ambition is to sit on the back stool
with his playmate's sister and Civ
away to feeling of lum-tumminess, a
it were.-BrO0EtyU Eadytts.
Isn't it dreadful, dear, Harold i
going on one of those horTid yachtini
expeditions, and he is to make one Of al
amateur crew. Chow distinctly fear
full, and understand they always max
amateur crews sit on the keel.'' {"
have heard SO, dear how utterly to-
inexpressible awful. Harold shall no
go. .''-Nelc York Commercial Adrer
tiser.
Yes, my boy, remarked a prouC
New York parent to his promising son
you may be at the bottom of the step
ladder now, but l feel sure that by per
severance you will eventually reacl
the transom and look into the Unitel
States senate.n "And if I do, dad, )
remarked the young man, "you bet II
never resign ?''-Louisrille Courier
Journal.
A French chemist says that the mucl
abused cucumber is more healthy thai
the banana. And so it is. A cucum
Der may be knocked around three o
four days and it will come up smiling
ready for business whereas the banana
must be eaten almost as soon as it j
purchased or it is unfit for duty an,
soon becomes hopelessly ill.-NOrris
totUn Herald.
A policeman who was employed t
watch store which was to be robbed
in an Iowa town, fell asleep, and tn
burglars took away his money, pistc
and clothes, leaving him covered wit
molasses. The persons who employee
him felt mad enough to click him
and they couldn't have selected a tim
when he was in better condition fo
such an operation. -Norristoocn He,
aId
1t is said that American women ar
the LATEST in the world. Let's see. Al
average American woman appears il
about five different costumes a day
makes calls in the morning, drives on
in the afternoon, dances every evenin
and passes the rest of the time in de
signing costumes and devising th
means to get them. If you ca
that laziness try it yourself. .-Neoo Ht
rem Register.
A young man at Kane writes to kno'
if there is any chance for him to max
money canvassing for books here. Yes
come on. The last book agent ths
was struck by lightning had the costliei
funeral Of the season and brass ban
to help along the obsequies. Then 70
have one advantage in being struck /
lightning in Williamsport. Our ligh
ming never strikes book agents twice
the same spot. BREAKFAST Table.
Skiggins was asked what he though
about cremation. He said it was a
r 81