Democratic messenger., 1881-04-09
WIT AND WISDOM.


them.
TRANsLATING from the German-Es-
cortino a Young girl home from fashion
able dancing party.
"HE A doctor :" said old Chawbacon,
speaking of young practitioner. "Why,
he couldn't cure ham"
NINE billions of pins were sold last
year. Think of the pin money the poor
married men have squandered.
JONES, who goes to the ''lodge" quite
often, says Mrs. J. could give the Nihil-
lists several points on blowing up.
Now it is time for some of the para
graphers TO say a certain man calls his
wife Nihilist, because she blows him up
so often.
They are trying to introduce camels
in the West. Can't a mule kick
Western man far and hard enough to
satisfy his longings
An OHIO cider-maker who was on his
dying bed confessed that he always
added one-fourth water, but he felt that
the Lord had fully forgiven him.
THIRTY days after a Michigan man
got a divorce from his wife to marry
one with q haEdsomer face, the woman
fell heir to S2S7, 900. You bet that eX-
husband feels like man with the jump
ing toothache.
A TRAVELLER informs us that the flesh
of the horse is far more preferable ~
that of the camel as food People who
have been in the habit of dining on
boiled leg of camel with caper sauce will
please take notice
Mr.. J. W. SIMoNToN, of the New FORK
Press Association, set an example to
husbands cordial to see last week. He
was married in the afternoon, and i'm
mediately took his bride to Philadelphia
to hear him lecture.
WHEN a judge asks prisoner if he
has anything to say why sentence
should not be passed it is only after
the court has his sentence all written
ont. This is an instance where prls-
oner might as well save his chin.
FASHIONABLE belle wants to know
what shade will be the most preferred
this coming summer. Well, the shade
| of big elm tree will be very popular,
but at the sea- side the shade of big
umbrellas will be much sought after.
A DOG in a Cincinnati theatre smelt
smoke, traced it to fire in a dressing
room, barked an alarm, and thus saved
a large audience from catastrophe.
His food has been changed from hard
crackers to sponge cake, and his name
from Bum to Hero.
WOMEN are such inconstant crsa-
lures We heard young lady re-
mark-rather inelegantly, it must be
confessed-that she hated 60 that Biggs
fellow, he is such soft cake" Well,
in less than three months she took the
cake.
"MY brethren" said Western min
lister, the preaching of the gospe to
some people is like pouring water over
a sponge-it soaks in and stays. To
others it is like the wind blowing
through chicken coop. My experience
of this congregation is that it contains
more chicken coops than sponges.
A GENTLE HINT They stood at the
door preparatory to saving goodnight.
When shall I call again 2" he asked.
with an emotion that made his eyes
misty and his voice soft. "When papa
returns" she answered calmly. "And
when will that be o. he eagerly added
Well, he starts for voyage around
the world tomorrow and I'll let you
know when he gets back"
THE child of a very fashionable family
was sick and the colored servant was
sent to the drug store with prescrip-
tion. ''If the child cannot keep the
first powder on its stomach, you must
=.
As he pasted ON the label You don't
reckon we would give him the same
powder ober agin, does yer r? We amt
no poor folks, we amt"
SOME scientific men say that the
negro never sneezes, ''but it is all a de-
lusion and a snare" said Gilhooly to
friend, as they were walking down Gal
weston avenue. "How do you know ?"
put some cayenne pepper on an old
niggers stove Just as an experiment in
the interest of science" Did he
sneeze ?" Ibid he sneeze? Why, he
nearly sneezed my head off,
A GOOD parson, who had the happy
faculty of saying kind word for every
body i'll whose behalf one could possibly
be said, recently offciated at the funeral
OF I1fmef WHO was knOWn aS the
meanest and most miserly man in the
neighborhood. Instead of execrating
the deceased for his extortionate and
niggardly habits, the kindly y-disposed
clergyman simple spoke of him as the
best arithmetician III the country"
My son. you had better tamy,
Said the father. ''and not marry.
Or you will catch old Harry.
Ana then yOu'll feel fOrlOrn
For marriage is a bubble,
Which bursts and ends in trouble.
And makes the wretch see double,
Just as sures you're born.
Now among the girls you're scooting,
Dazzled by their frills and fluting.
But yon'd better mind the footing
OF your dear old daddy's horn"
An OFFICER of a military organization
on an excursion had his wife and child
along. There were quite number of
ladies and gentlemen present, when
somebody asked the child: "When
/ you grow up don't You want to be an
officer like yOur pa, and order the sol
tliers about?" "No," said the little
fellow "When get big / want to be
a mamma and boss pa about" The
little scoundrel would have been sub
sequently arrested and punished by
papa, if it hadn't been for mamma. who
happened to be in command Mt the time.
A PHILADELPHIA man who has six lit
tie sons went to the nursery the other
( ova1f,.ex on1 fnnn1 khan, ~ n 10