Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-11-11
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some GrOuDle ID Tue CuuFCu, 50 u6 W0uC III. |
The sexton, seeing policeman, was anx
ious to give him favorable seat, so he
said, "Come right in here,' and he took
him to pew and waived his hands as
much as to say, Help yourself There
was another man in the pew, deacon
with sinister expression, as the police
man thought, and he supposed that was
the man they wanted arrested, as he tap
ped the deacon on the arm and told him to
come along. The deacon turned pale and
edged along as though to get away, when
the policeman took him by the collar and
jerked him cut in the aisle.
The deacon struggled, thinking the Pc
liceman was crazy, and tried to get away
but he was dragged along. Many OF the
congregation thought the deacon had been
doing something wrong, and some of them
got behind the deacon and helped the
officer fire him out. Arriving at the lock-
up the policeman saw the man who told
him he was wanted in the church, and
asked him what the charge was against
the deacon, and he didn't know; so the
sexton was appealed to, and he didn't
know. and finally, the prisoner was asked
what it was all about, and he didn't know.
The policeman was asked what he arrested
the man for, and he dldn It know, and af-
ter a while the matter was explained, aud
the policeman, who had to arrest some
body. took the man into custody who told
him he was wanted in the church, and had
him fined five dollars and COSTS He says
he never will try to convert policeman
again, and the policeman say he will never
go into a church again if they get t.
knocking each other down with hymn
books.
A few days ago an Altoona butcher
while engaged in making sausage, had one
of his fingers cut off in the cutting ma
chine. He went to the surgeon and had
the injured member dressed Immediately
but in the excitement the missing finger
was allowed to remain in the sausage
where it fell. A few days afterwards one
of the customers of the shop, while parta-
king of his morning meal-of which sau-
sage was the principal luXury-got the
missing finger in his mouth. That family
buys sausage no more.
II say, jenkins, can you tell a young,
tender chicken from an old, tough one?'
''Of course cam"
'Why, how?"
''By the teeth
Chickens have no teeth
Eyes, but have"
'Good-morning.
''Good-mOrning.
A Chicago man visiting Cincinnati was
being shown around by a citizen who said:
Now let's go and see the Widows
Home" The Chicago man put his finger
on the side of his nose and winked. and
then said, mot much, Mary Ann. l saw
widow home once, and it cost me Sl6-
600 She sued me for breach of promise
and proved it on me. No. sir; send the
widows home in hack.''
1.-The lurid flames shot their red tongues
of fire high up towards the glowing be W.
ems, as if they were, in their vengefui fury.
endeavoring to scar the bright faces ci
the twlnkling stars!'' 1t was only a $50
sta BILE, containing $25 worth of hay, but
the reporter felt that way and really
couldn't help it.
docs our talk disturb your" said one
of company of talkativa ladies to an Ole
gentleman sitting in railroad station the
other afternoon.
mo, ma'am,'' was the naive reply
1--WE been MARI led nigh Oh to forty years ,,
A minister, while marrying a couple re-
Gently, was rather disconnected, On asking
the bridegroom if he was WILLING to take
the young lady for his welded wife, by his
scratching his head and saying: Yes,
am willing: but l ID much rather have her
sister,
This is the latest Western form of say
ing man was hanged: He was unani'
mously chosen by convention of twelve
property holders to jump from new pine
platform into the sweet subsequently,
a little girl joyfully assured her mother
the other day chat she had found out
where they made horses; she had seen
man finishing one. "He was mailing Oh
his last foot.o
A Cincinnati belle. in reply to the ques-
tion whether there was much cultivation
and refined society in her native city, is
reported as having said, You jist bet your
boots that we're cultivated crowd
Times changes: Old school fellow
Dear me! Why. when you and were at
Elton you were curly-headed with slim
figure, and now your hairs slim and your
figure curly"
All bachelors would like to shake hands
with the man named Morse who recently
got married, and four weeks after applied
to the legislature and had his name chang
ed to Remorse.
A merchant died suddenly. just after
writing letter. His clerk added, in post
script: "Since writing the above I have
died Tuesday evening. 18th inst.
little boy remarked: II like grandpa
because he is such a niece gentlemanly
man; ne always tells me to help myself to
the sugar."
Speaking of corn planters. Jones says he
has a pair of new boots that he will put
againit the world.
In Texas when a man wishes to cut an
acquaintance his procedure is simple He
uses bowie-knife.
Love lightens labor" as the man said !
when he saw his wife doing his work for
him. ]