Daily Republican., 1881-07-07

| MT, lHOIHpSOu pIcschIo ulS COlupll
lnents to Mr.. Simpson and begs to re
quest that he will keep his piggs from
treopassing on his grounds.
"Mr. Simpson presents his compli
ments to Mr.. Thompson, and begs {,
suggest that in the future he will no
spell pigs with two gees"
"Mr. Thompson respects to Mr.
Simpson, and will feel obliged if hi
will add the | after E to the last word ir
the note Just received, so as to repre-
sent MIR. Simpson and lady"
"Mr. Simpson returns to Mr.. Thomp.
sons letter unopened, the impertinenct
it contains being only equaled by its
vulgarity."
A bishops son, not very long ago,
was a candidate for holy orders, but
was unable to answer any Of the ques.
tons put to him by the examining chap
lain. At last the chaplain tried q very
simple one-"Can you tell me where
Jesus of Nazareth was born" The
young man looked embarrassed. CAV
-well--aw," he said, after a pause, 81
can't say that remember the exact
place at this moment, but Pm shua it
was somewhere OH the continent"
A well-known lady.philanthropist is
fond of distributing tracts. When a
Belgian brigade was visiting some time
ago, she invited them to her residence,
where every man was presented with a
tract and a cigar, "How kind of re
lady" remarked one of the brave Bra
banters, who did not comprehend the
nature of the publication given to him,
"not only to geef us ze smoke, but to
provide also re papaire for to Tide re
cigar vid!'
He opened the door cautiously, and
poking his head in, IN suggestive sort
of u way, as if there was more to follow
inquired. "Is this the editorial rink
tum?" "The what, my friend?" "Is this
the rinktum, sinktum, sanctum or some
such place, where the editors live?'
This is the editoria! room. Yes sir
Come in" "No guess | won't come
in. l wanted to see what "a rinktum looks
like, that's all. Looks like our garret.
only wuss. Good day.
"You don't seem to have made much
money by bringing your hogs down
mere" was remarked to farmer who
had driven his hogs seven miles to town
and then sold them for precisely what
was offered him before he left home.
"Well, no." said the agriculturst, pen
sively. 81 hain't made no money, but
then" Frightening, "you know | had
the company of the hogs on the way
down"
The following naiv, promise was Of
fered as an irresisdt le temptation to n
fair inamorata. 81 thank you, said
the girl to her suitor, "but can't leave
home. an widows only darling;
no husband can equal my parent in
kindness. "She is kind" replied
the wooer; "but be my wife, and we'll
all live together, and see if | don't beal
your mother''
She was a big buxom lass, and when
her small bean called one evening she
said "Good evening, Lilly "lm no
lily" he replied, surprised at the idea.
"You're the lily; men are never lilies.
eyes, sometimes they are, and you es-
pecally are u lily. "How's that ?''
"Lil,iputan." He then looked as if he
wished he were an elephant.
A professor was explaining ina young
ladies school in France the theory ac-
rording to which the body is entirely
renewed every seven years. THUS,
F." said he, addressing
a pretty blonde with a wide awake face,
Sin seven years you will be no longer
f." 81 hope so, replied
the unsophisticateJ, casting down her
eyes
"Brilliant and impulsive people"
said u lecturer on physiognomy, "have
black eyes, or if they don't have them,
they're apt to get them if they re too
A burglar entered a house the other
night and scared lady so badly that
Ter hair, which was lying in an expos
ii place on the bureau, turned white ill.,
! single night.
There can certainly be no more vexa-
ious situation in life than to sit down
o ,rite an original article, and find
hat somebody has stolen your scissors
md mucilage.
"When will there be only twenty
i've letters in the alphabet % asked a
,achelor teacher "When L and | L
made l." answered young lady pupil.
A strange astronomical phenomenon
: seen in the fact that when the irate |
ather takes down his trunk strap there
re liable to be spots on the son.
"Did you call your brother II liar "'
sked the stern parent, and the cu'prit
eplied "Well, | said he was sewing
machine agent"