davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08

Said fly the one to fly the two,
AS from a halfworn head he flew.
Toward yet another crown that shone
Like surface of knuckle bone
at mayn't be scholarly, l know,
Such vulgar preference TO show,
But then,n with wink of many lash,
81 rather like this balderdash.n
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08
The Lower Cedar Point Excursion.

Lower Cedar Point is destined to become,
in a short while, the most popular resort on
the river. Although new enterprise, the
elegant steamer John w. Thompson, which
makes daily trip to the Point, is crowded
with the very best class.o of our citizens, who
go down to escape the heat and annoyance
Of the city for day. About $50 or 700
merry excursionists embarked on the
Thompson yesterday, and more pleasant
and congenial party never got together. On
the way down the New York Acme Church
Choir (quartet), which for several weeks
was the principal attraction at Drivers
Summer Garden, rendered several excellent
selections and were time and again encored.
This quartet, consisting of Misses A. L..
Mills and Lizzie Thomas, and W..
Wilkinson and Robert Nelson, have
been engaged by the proprietors, Of
the Point, and will each day go down on
the Thompson and give concerts. This will
prove splendid attraction. George Kaine,
the eccentric Dutch comedian, and an &C.
tet from the Apollo Club also amused and
edited the excursionists with their splen-
did singing. The ever popular Capt. Q. M.
Levy is the general superintendent of the
Point and makes every one feel at home.
The Captains aids yesterday butchered over
500 chickens to feed the hungry crowd.
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08
waiting for Somebody.
BY CLARA Q. GRADY.

I've been waiting all day for somebody,
And the somebody viii not come;
Every step that hear Is somebody's,
But my Somebody comes not home.
wonder If he knows I'm waiting,
This somebody, so long away;
That each day I'm waiting for somebody,
And he makes such long delay.
I've been praying all eve for somebody,
This somebody coming to me;
All ninht III be dreaming of somebody,
TIL the bright rays OF morn see'
Then again all the day I'll be waiting
For the old loved form again;
Yes. waiting all the day for somebody
Praying, Watching, waiting-in VAIN
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08

DRAFTS on London, Dublin and Paris, at
II. ID. Cooke. Jr.. & Co.'s. 1929 + st.
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08

When you pay and man don't receipt
Your bill he intends you TO cheipt, -.
And you straightway should get III u heipt
And kick him with one of your feipt
Where his trousers are framed for ceipt,
And then run in II manner so fleipt.
That your speed he surely can't Deipt
--OH city Derrick.
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08
THE EVENING CRITIC.

EsTABLIsHED AUGUST, Isos.

THEATRE CoMIQUE.--The proprietors Of
the Summer Theatre Comique are out to-
day with the announcement Of q specially
selected combination of variety stars who
will appear in an unexceptionally attractive
bill at the evening and matinee perform
ances this week. The list of performers in
clude Lene Shellits, Leonard and Jones,
Ophelia Starr, X. G.. Allen Edwin Wilson,
the Hermans Steele and Topack Harry
Woodson, Billy Moore, Sparks Brothers and
others. "McSweeney's Masquerade" a
roaring farce, will be a feature, embracing
the entire strength of the company.
DRIVERS CONCERT GARDEN.-Driver's
concert garden offers more attractions this
week. Besides the charming programme of
instrumental music, George Kaine will con-
tinue to appear in his favOrite Dutch
comicalities, and Harry Mullen, the talented
young Irish character vocalist will render
his specialties nightly. Drivers garden as
popular resort is still climbing up into
universal favor. The proprietor has made q
strong hit with his sumptuous midday
lunches.
ABNER's SUMMER GARDEN.-For the
present week our enterprising concert man
ager, Edward Abner, whose charming gar
den on Il street has become the favoritc
resort Of the best, people in the city, offers
q programme for each evenings concert un-
surpassed. Abner's garden is delightfully."-
cool, the music there is always of the best,
the society genial and his refreshment
stands contain every dclicacy the market
affords.
The Evening critic., 1881-08-08
West End Advertisements.


1908 Penna. Ave-, near Corcoran Art Gallery.
Books Old and Rare in English, French and Ger
man. CIRCULATING library. jeA
WIRE CLOTH FOR WINDOW AND DOOB
SCREENS, at
F. SCHNEIDER a. SONS,
Cor. Eighteenth ST. and pennsylvania avenue.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
Hereditary Descent of Beauty.

Mr. Darwin believes. says CO,nhW,
that the general beauty of the English
upper class, and especially of the titled
aristocracy, is probably due to their
constant selection of the most beautiful
women of all classes Cpeeresses, act
resses, or wealthy bourgeoise) as wives
through an immense number of gener-
ations. Tie regular features and the
compilations of the mothers are natur-
ally handed down by heredity to their
descendants. Similarly. it would seem,
that we must account for the high av-
erage of personal beauty among the
ancient Greeks and the modern Ital-
ians by the high average of general
taste, the strong love for the beautiful
diffused among all classes in both those
races. The prettief women and the
handsomer men would stand better
chance of marrying, other things equal,
and of handing down their own refined
type of face and figure to their children.
If this be so-and evOlutiOnists at least
can hardly doubt it-then we should
expect everywhere to find the general
level of personal beauty highest where
there was the widest diffusion of ;rsthet-
ic taste. Now, our own squalid poor
are noticeable, as q rule, for their abso-
1ulC dIu ICPNiolSO S'SAA "hOA
compared with those of other European
countries. Gaunt, hard-faced women,
low-browed, bulldog-looking men, sick
ly, shapeless children, people the back
slums of our manufacturing towns.
Their painful ugliness cannot all be due
to their physical circumstances alone
for the lazzaroni who hang about the
streets of Naples must lead lives of
about equal hardship and discomfort
yet, many of them, both men and wo-
men. are beautiful enough to sit as
models for Leonardo. On the other
hand, every traveller speaks of the beau
ty and gracefulness displayed by young
and old among the aesthetic Poly
nesians; while in many like cases note
that Europeans who have become ac-
customed to the local type, find decid-
edly pretty faces extremely COMMON in
several savage races whose primitive
works of art show them in other ways
to possess considerable aesthetic taste.
In India, where artistic feeling is uni
versal, almost every man or woman is
handsome. On the whole, it seems
fairly proved that the average personal
beauty everywhere corresponds to the
average general love for beauty in the
abstract.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
Italian Hnshanf1S.

Anne Brewster writes of an Italian
wife and husband: "The man is more
obedient, more exact in his work, but
he is an idiot about the management of
his own affairs; if it were not for his
wife he would be a beggar. He has two
wine. His wife IS double his size, and
at least ten years his senior. He stands
in mortal awe of her. All the money
they make goes into her hands. She
subscribes SO much month to a mutual
aid society; she buys all the clothes he
needs, and also looks after a son of his
by a former marriage. She cannot re ad
nor write, but she is as shrewd and
managing rs if she were a diplomat
Her husband knows her capability, and
is willing to have her manage his af-
fairs. Once in q while she gives him a
little money for q lottery ticket, and
every day measures out his wine."
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
No Letter for Burch.


A man from Branch county being in
Custer City soon after a postOffice was
established there, went up to the shanty
one day with intent to inquire for mail
matter. A man from Missouri was just
ahead of him, and inquired if there was
any letter for Zachariah Burch.
'.Be you the fellerP'' '.queried the post
master.
Il am"
s'Named Zachariah, are yeP'
Eyes, sir"
''Too internal long for this country.
You'd better chop it in two'
Il axed if there was a letter here for
Zachariah Bnrch." said the Missourian,
with q bad gleam in his eyes.
''And I heard ye, and there amt
nothing of the sort here"
''Kinder seems to me there is.
''Then I'm liar?'
The pair looked at each other for a
minute, and then Burch remarked:
''Mebbe you are.
Uncle San's official hoped out OF
his den and went for Zachariah Burch.
It was pretty even match for ten min
utes, and then the postmaster got his
favorite hold. Soon after that event
Mr.. Burch observed:
stranger. I reckon it's no use pro
longing this sorrowful affair."
II reckon not, but We inquired for 9
letter for Burch."
Eyes"
''And you give it to me purity strong
that sich q letter had arriv."
Eyes. did," replied Burch. as he
felt of his left ear to see what portion
was left for future fights. ''but I've bin
thinkin' powerful hard in the last ten
minits, and guess the ole woman back
in Missouri has put off writin' till next
Sunday. Let's 60 out and take suthin'
to bring tears to our eyes,"
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
What Shall We Do With Our Daughters1

W u6b GAl6lX No 0O w 4t4 Vu 00u$sAtOAof
Don't teach them self-reliance. 1t is
so much easier for them to rely on some
one else.
bread. Their beaux might think they
were not well-bred.
Don't allow them to learn how to
make shirts. 1t is better they should
not know. Then, when they are mar
ried. their husbands can work twenty
hours a day to get money with which to
buy ready-made ones, while they knit
red dogs. is
80 Above all things, do not fail to learn
them how to wear false hair, and if
your daughter objects to bang her hair,
bang her over the head.
Do not allow them to learn how to
make their own dresses. 1t is fashion
able to have q dressmaker.
Teach them that q dollar is only 100
cents and does not amount to much.
Do not let them learn how to cook.
Should they understand the cuisine art
and know what is needed in q family,
the servant could not supply all her
relatives with edibles.
Teach them to darn their neighbors.
but not stockings.
Don't allow them to learn how to sew
on buttons. They might get needles in
their fingers.
Teach them to regard the money and
not the morals of their suitors.
Teach them none of the mysteries of
the kitchen, the dining-room and the
parlor.
Teach them that the more one gets
beyond his income the more one has to
save.
Urge them to go with Incorporate
young men. 1t is convenient to have a
drunken husband, us the wife is ena-
bled to take pin money from his pocket
while he is aking II drunken snooze.
Finally, teach them that God, who
made them. is an old fogy, and made
them in his image, which necessitates
tight .lacino. =. -.--.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
Rachel's Guitar,

The great tragedienne was not iex-
empt from human failings. Her great
est, as is well-known, was her cupidity.
She was generous only toward herself,
and sometimes toward her family; but
even in the family circle her covetous-
ness frequently caused serious disagree
ments. In everyday life she often
showed herself q perfect miser, and
more than once allowed herself to be
summoned before the judge for paltry
bill of Is or 20 francs. It is but Justice
to say that she never lacked enthusias-
tic admirers; still. even these, If unable
to lay valuable treasures at her feet,
over and above their devotion, were
quickly dismissed as superfiuons incum-
brances. When they manifested too
great an economy in their offerings,
Rachel skillfully devised means of
whetting their more generous instincts.
The incident of the guitar is one Of the
most significant in this respect. In the
apartment of her old friend, Mime. S.,
Rachel noticed one day q haH-broken
guitar, blackened by dust and age.
''What are you keeping this dilapidated
old thing for, my dear?" Ph@dra asked
to me in order to get rid of it?'' with
utterly useless to me-" That Same aay
her maid was ordered to take the guitar
to the artists rooms in Rue Joubert A
few days later Count Walewsi was
ushered into Ph@dra's boudoir, and in
the course of conversation espied the
old instrument dangling above the man
telpiece in a silken cover. Heavens!
what is that shabby-looking thing do
ing in your boudoir?' exclaimed tho
count, squeezing his monocle into his
eye. Rachel at once assumed q senti-
mental attitude, and in would-be sol
emn tone responded: '.Sir, that is tho
veritable instrument which helped me
earn my bread in the streets when I
was but poor little girl" cit is inn
possible! Oh, do let me be the happy
possessor of this interesting relic Of
your childhood. 1t is historical treas
ure which the world cannot appreciate
too highly!'' ''The very reason why
cherish it. I would not part with it for
$4,000 francs" 81 will, I must have
it at any pricer' s.You exaggerate, my
dear countr' ..Rachel. implore you,
and in return gladly offer you the dia-
mond bracelet and the ruby necklace
which you admired so much the other
day. You may send to the jewelers.
forthwith. Come. is it a bargain?"
''Well," said Phedra, heaving deep
sigh, II can not refuse you-the guitar
is yours" The count took it and car
ried off the precious instrument in tri-
umph to show it to his friends. UnfOr-
tunately, Nine. S. went to one of his
receptions couple of weeks later, and.
of course, was also shown the historical
guitar. She could not repress an ex-
clamatiOn of surprise. and thus the fact
leaked out
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
A High Old Judge.

Carson (NevJ Appeal ~
Some very comical yarns are related
of Eph Clement, commonly called
"Yank," of Yank's Station, Lake Big
ler, well known by all who ever visited
the lake, when he was justice of the peace
of that section few years ago. Among
his other characteristics, Yank is cele-
brated for his ability to make n noun
tain out of a molehill, and also for his
philosophical disregard for all the
worldly desirabilitics when heirssacqui-
sition requires the display OF any
amount of energetic force.
One time he was trying = case involv-
ing . considerable sum of money. and,
while the most important witness was
being examined. Yank fell asleep and
began snoring like house a-tire.
''Hello, Jedger' cried one of the in
terested parties, show kin you decide
this case when you amt hearing none
of the cvidence?'
Yank was aroused by this indignant
outburst, and replied:
THAT'S all right; / knew all about
yer court. I've made up my mind
about the merits long ago.
And in three minutes by the watch
he was fast asleep again. But he was
not permitted to rest long before one of
his help rushed into his room, which
was on the second floor of q rickety
building, and cried out:
e" 'Old man! that goldarned old SOW is
in the barn agin, eatin' up all the bar
ley"
Gosh darn it! May the blue blazes
strip all the bristles off that DANCED ole
sow's hide" yelled the Judge, and with
a few bounds he was at the foot of the
stairs. At that point he seemed to
realize that he had forgotten something;
SO he placed his broad palm to the side
of his mouth and shouted upstairs:
'tJist adjourn the court until kind
o. knock the stufin' out O. that SOW;
an eff amt back in ten minits I'll give
q verdict for the plaintiff.
The court was accordingly adjourned.
Upon another occasion, a man who
had been drinking too much of a bad
quality of whisky, which can be had
there ad ibitum, went into the willows
to take nap, but the poor devil forgot
to wake up again. When the dead
body was found Yank was solicited to
hold an inquest.
..What! is he deadp" asked Yank.
'Why. certainly he is dead" was the
rejOinder.
.'Ef that's so, bury him. What's the
use o hOltlin' quest on a dead fell
ler?' remarked the wearer of the er-
mine.
About the time his judicial tenn was
drawing to a close. a man named Smith
wanted 10 sue another who owed him
$4O0. and he accordingly interviewed
Judge Yank.
, ''Well," said Yank. "did you see -
and hev talk with him about the mat
ter?" a. s.-
.'Of course did,
Nv ouldn't he give you no satisfac-
tion?''
''Certainly not"
''By jingor' exclaimed the Judge,
"ef YOU couldn't do nothin' with him,
how in blazes kin you expect me to do
itp''
And such is the style in which Yank
would dole out blind justice.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
She Was the Young Woman.

From the Boston Traveller.
The days of romance are not past. A
Cuban planter visiting New York saw
charming woman on Brooklyn ferry
boat, and fell in love with her. He
traced her to her home, and learned
that she was widow most respectfully
connected. He was called to Cuba, and
wrote her letter full of affection, and
giving references. Her friends inquired
and found that he was desirable
match. She replied to the letter. He
responded. She wrote and he wrote
until there was an offer of marriage and
an acceptance, and the wedding day
was fixed. She prepared her bridal
robe and he returned to New York.
They met at the house of one of her
friends, she wondering how he looked,
he anticipating second vision of beau
ty. She saw handsome man; he
looked and screamed. ''You are the
wrong womanr' And SO it was. They
had neglected to exchange photographs.
She remains widow, and he haunts
the Brooklyn ferry-boats for another
vision.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
A Double Child.

From the New IOrK SUM-
Vienna physicians have been exam.
ining with much interest a 3-year-old
pair of twins, who are not less of a nat
ur:,l curiosity than the SIamese twins
were From the breast bone down they
have but one body; above they are two
wholly separate and complete organ.
isms. They have only two legs and
feet, but four arms. The sense of feel
ing in the two upper parts is entirely
distinct and individual. At the mo-
ment of medical inspection one of the
heads looked peerish and occasionally
cried on account of painful tooth,
while the other looked fresh and lively,
and shouted "mammar' The inner
arms come in conflict and cause fights
between the twins. Though the 'pail
have one body below the breast, they
do not get hungry ut the same time,
The left foot seems to be connected
only with the left head, and the right
foot with the right head. One of The
feet was pinched, and only the head or
that side cried out.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
Fond Of Whist.

Henry Clay's favorite recreation for
many years was a game of whist, 10
which. at one time. he was passionately
addicted-not for the stakes, but forthe
distraction and excitement of the game.
MIR. Winthrop says that there is tra-
dition that while Clay was visiting Bos-
ton. in 1918. and lodging Mt the old Ex-
change Coffee House, i'm Congress
street, a servant rushed into the parlOr
in.which he was at the whist table with
few gentlemen of the old school, and
announced that the hotel WAS on fire.
ooh, there will be time enough L
think" cried Mr.. Clay, ito finish our
games" and finish it they did before the
hotel was burned to the ground. A
similar tradition was current in WASH
ington at later period that. while Mr..
Clay was Speaker, he and his friends
had passed whole night at cards, and
were still going on with their games
when the hour was close at hand for
the opening of the morning session of
Congress. "Wait a few minutes, gen.
tlemen," said MIR. Clay, land will
wash my face and hands. and run down
to the House and call John Taylor to
the chair. and then / will cosnS beck
end We win have aAQtAAx xuhheI,HA
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
How to get q Wife in India


When a man of decent rank of life
wishes to marry, and can prove that he
possesses the means of maintaining a
wife it is customary for him to apply
to the mistress of the Byculla School.
state his wishes and qualifications, and
inquire into the number and character
of the manageable girls. An investi-
cation Immediately follows as to eligi-
bility and if all promises satisfactorily.
he is forthwith invited to drink tea
with the schoolmistress upon an ap-
pointed evening to give him an oppor-
tunity of making his selection. The
elder girls are then informed of his
intended visit and its purport; and
those who desire to enter the >matrimo-
NAL list come forward and signify their
wish to join the party. Frequently
four or five competitors make their
appearance on these occasions in the
mistress room. The gentleman. while
doing his best to make himself univers-
ally agreeable, yet contrives. in the
course of the evening, to mark his pre-
ference for one particular lady. Should
these symptoms of budding affection be
favorably received, he tenders his pro-
posals in due form on the following
morning. But it often occurs that the
selected lady does not participate in
the inamorato's sudden flame. in
which case she is at perfect liberty to
decline the honor of his alliance and
reserves herself for the next tea-party
exhibition.
We have known an instance when an
amorous old gentleman from an out
station presented himself three success
sive times at these soirees in the hope
of obtaininga wife to cheer the soli-
tude of his up-country residence. but all
in vain; the young ladies unanimously
rejected him with the highest disdain.
wondering chow such an ugly old
fellow could have the impudence to
think of wifeP' But a very different
reception is given to the dashing young
Sergeant or smart-looking conductor;
their attentions are never repulsed, and
the announcement of the ''chosen in
tendeds," as Miss Squeers would say.
is anticipated with the utmost impa-
tience by many an anxious young heart.
The wedding speedily follows. the
brides modest ''trousseau" being pro-
vided from the funds of the establish
ment. and every girl in the school
cheerfully contributing her aid in the
manufacture of the dresses.
The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-05-12
Keeping the Patient Quiet.

brooklyn Eagle,
"He seems to be very much worse to.
day." said the doctor, as he contem-
plated the patient. Ibid you keep
him perfectly quiet, as l directed,
nurse?''
''Sakes n massey! of course 1 did, ~
replied the nurse. Goodness gra-
cious! he hasn't moved all night"
Anything going on in the house to
disturb him?''
My sakes, of course not. They had
a little dancing party in the parlor, and
a fight up stairs, and some burglars got
into the basement, and the servant girl
set fire to her bed, and the fat boarder
fell down the second flight. and the
man in the next room licked his wife,
and the water-pips busted on the floor
below, and the gentleman in the back
parlor gave little supper, and there
was some music in the third story, and
the cats got out on the back fence, and
there was baby born in the second
floor front, and the little girl up the
third pair died in the night. but he nev-
er moved. Bless your heart, he was
the quietest man you ever sawr'
'Quite right; quite right. Did you
give him the pills?''
'.My gracious! 1 forgot the pills,
but gave him all the powders, eight
seidlitz powders, four. Dover powders,
and all the quinine powders and the
mixtures, three of 'em, and all but the
pills
''Just SO. Did you change the band
ages on his head?''
''It wasn't any use. He wouldn't t
keep 'em on. You never saw anything
like him. I put four pillows on his
head, and he kept us still as mice after
that"
II see. Was he delirious during the
night?''
s.Oh! wasn't hep but he hasn't hol-
lered much for two hours. He's been
pretty quiet since he fell out of bed.
Before that he was restless"
''Of course, naturally. Any of his
friends been to see him?"
'tThere were ten or dozen here all
night playing cards and enjoying them
selves. But he paid no attention to
them.''
Il suppose not. Hasn't asked for
anything. has hep"
mot for long time. He's doing
well. isn't he, Doctor?''
eyes, yes, as we'll as could be expect
ed. As near rs l can Judge, he has
been dead about twelve hours. You
needn't continue the medicine. just
keep him quiet and don't let anybody
talk to him. What he wants now is
rest.'
And the doctor certified to the relia-
bility of the nurse and departed.