davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03
The Fly.

| Much has been said of the fly o., the period,
but few write about him who ARE bald headed.
Hence we say the word. II is OF no use any
more To deny the horrible truth. Although IA
beautiful rs a pearl in other ways, our lresses
ON top have succumbed to the inclemency at
the weather, and our massive brow Is slowly
creeping over toward the back of our neck.
Nature makes all things even. II mar ~
possessed Gf such ravishing beauty ana such
winning ways that his power might become
dan gcrOus, she MAKES him bald headed.
| That is our fix.
When we have our hat on and go chasing
! down the street with that camel glide Of ours.
every one asks who is that noble looking
Apollo, with the deep and melancholy eye;
bu, when we are at the Office with our hat
hung up on the French walnut side board, and
the sun comes softly in through the rosewood
shutters and lights up the shellach polish OF
our intellectual dome. We are not so pretty.
Then It is that the fly, with gentle tread and
seductive song, comes and prospects around
on our bump of selfesteem, and tckles and
makes us mad.
When we get where forbearance ceases to
be virtue, we haul off and slap the place
where he was, while he goes over to the ink
stand and smokers ut Us. And after hP has
waded around in the carmine ink for while
he goes DaCk 10 me bump III spEitudii'y anu
makes some red marks over n.
Having laid off his claim under the new
mining law, he proceeds TO sink on il.
five write anything bitter these days; IL
we say aught of our fellow man that is dis
agreeable and unjust, and for which we after
ward get licked, il is because at times we get
|exasperated and are not responsible.
II the fly was large and weighed 200 pounds,
and came in here and told us if We did no,
take back what we said about him he would
knock out the windows with our remains ami
let us fall hundred feet into the busy street,
it wouldn't worry us much, because we could
strangle him with one hand while we wrote
column editorial with the other. We do that
frequently. But little fragile insect, with no
home and no parents, and only four or five
million brothers ana sisters, gains our conf
dence and then tickles our scalp till we have
to write with sheet Of tar roofing oyer our
head.
Then he comes in To help us read our proof.
We don't want HIM to help, hut he Insists ON
making corrections and putting punctna'ions
in the wrong place, and putting full STOP
where they knock the sense all out of the
paragraph.
If the fly could be removed from our path.
way we would march along in our Journey to
the tomb IN a way that would he the envy and
admiration of the civilized world. A it is,
VT feel that we are not making very hand
some record.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

A sick boy 80, doctor, I'm so glad you've
come. don't know what's the matter with
Charley, at all. He complains of the febrlle
rise In his peritoneum, and says his hypo.
chondrion IL all twisted out of shape. O, he's
an awful sick boy, doctor" 81 should say.
Must have been reading the Presidential bull
letins." The doctor leaves a seldlltz powder
and dpnarts
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

The "a the way woman remembers things:
Gen. Forrest was buried on the day my new
hat came home; Hayes was lnaugurated the
spring l made over my new silk; Dickens
died when Jenny was baby; Lincoln was
killed when Mary was creeping; the civil war
broke ont when SaIlie was cutting her teeth
the king of Spain was born the year l was
married"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

I'd laugh If should fall and break my
neck" iestingly remarked James Moloney, of
Japan, N Y while in the act OF defending
from tall pear tree. The next moment he
lay upon the ground with his neck broken.
But he didn't laugh. What liars some men
arcl
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

Don't drive a spawned horse as long as you can
get Kendsll's SPAWN Cure for 81 bottle. As a
powerful Imminent for deep seated pains on both
man or beast IL has ma equal. See adyer.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

"Do You pretend to have as good ludgmen
a. | havey" exclaimed an enraged wife to her
husband "Wcll, no." he replied slowly, "our
choice of partners for life shows that my judg
ment Is not te be compared TO yours"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03
BUDGET OF FUN.

4 New Yorker is named Stealing, and he
hates the name; but he took the curse az II
for his daughter by making her Christian 4 me
Worth"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

81 take my tex dis morning." said col red
preacher, from dat potion ob de scrip are
whar de Pos,ol Paul pints his pistol to be Fe
eiOns"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

Prsng's birthday cards, nes and original de.
signs, at Osman & Hapeman's.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

| Have you a lame borsey Call for Kendalrs
| pawn Cure. Read advertisement.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-09-03

Two minutes later human form tell with a
dull thud on the from, porch of The naughty
pork pat ker's residence. Il was Herbert AIus-
leigh. The old man had fired him oui--FrOBl
Hints to Parents" By Halstead, .N.-Chicago
T~.b,ga1
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
UNITEE STATES SENATE.
SESSION EXTRAORDINARY.

On the 18th the President pro tenn. announced
the appointment of the following Senators to
fill vacancies on committees: Foreign Affairs,
Conkling Finance, Aldrich in place Of Burn
side; Commerce, Miller, Of New York, in place
of Conkling Military Affairs, Hawley in place
of Burnside Judiciary, Miller in place of
Conkling Postofices and Roads, Miller, Of
New York, in place of Platt Education and
Labor, Aldrich in place of Burnside Engrossed
Bills Miller in place of Conkling Transports
ton Routes to the seaboard, Lapham In place
of Platt; Enrolled Bills, Sewalf in place Of
Platt; Privileges and Elections, Lapham IN
place of Teller. The President pro tenn. said
he understood he had no authority to designate
any person as Chairman Of q Committee. That
was in the hands of the committee themselves
At the suggestion of Senator Morrill,, the
names Of the new members of committees will
be placed at the foot of the list. The Senate
then went into Executive Session, and when
the doors were reopened, adjourned.
The Senate re-convened on the 21st with q
full attendance of members. Mr.. Sherman
called up the resolution offered by him prior to
the recess calling on the Secretary Of the
Treasury for the report Of James F. Meline.
Mr.. Farley offered an amendment to include
with the report the testimony taken during the
investigation. Messrs. Dawes and Sherman
opposed the amendment. The amendment was
adopted. A party vote and Davis, Of Illinois,
voting with the Republicans. Mr.. Mcpherson
presented the petition of certain members OF
the Legislature of the State of New York
against the titles of Senators Miller and Lap
ham. Referred to the Committee of Privileges
and Elections. The Senate then went into Ex-
ecutive session. When the doors re-opened,
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
4 Stage Drivers Story.

"I had only made one run down
here, said our stage driver on journey
in New Mexico, "when, passing one of
the sidings, we took on Simon-pure,
double-fsted gray one of the pioneers;
these fellows who had lived life in ad-
vance of civilization, making the way
easy for others, but always leaving in
time to escape the press and improve
ments, the foundation for which he had
SO surely laid. Evidently he had never
before seen the interior of a car, for it
was some moments before he concluded
to seat himself, which he did cautiously,
and with that quick, nervous twinkle of
the eye which men constantly on the
alert for danger exhibit. Let me say
here that in this country every man car
ries pistol, and generally in his back
pocket. Well, as I had already seen
the other passengers tickets I took my
time about matters, and slowly walked
up to my man and put my hand, with
the usual quick motion, behind me to
get my punch but before I could say
Ticket sir 7 quicker than powder the
muzzle of a six.shooter swelled under
my eyes, and a hearty voice rang out !:
put her back, stranger; I've got the
drap on yer You may laugh, but L
shook hands with him over free ride,
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
How a Quaker Punished q Thief.

A Quaker, having been disturbed by
footsteps around hio dwelling ono night,
arose from his bed and cautiously
opened the back door to reconnoiter.
Close by was an clubhouse, and under it
a cellar, near window Of which was q
man busily engagedin receiving the con-
tents of his pork barrel from another In
the cellar.
The Quaker approached, and the man
OH the outside fed He stepped up to
the cellar window and received the pork
from the thief within, who, after little
time, asked his supposed accomplice IN a
whisper:
"ShaI we take it al?" The owner
of the pork said softly,
eyes, take it ALL" and the thief
handed up the balance through the
window and then came up himself.
Imagine his CONSERVATION when, in
stead of greeting his companion In
crime, he confronted the Quaker.
Both were astonished, for the thief
proved to be lear neighbor, Of whom
none would have suspected such con-
duct. He pleaded for mercy, begged
him not to expose him, spoke of the ne
cessities of poverty, and promised faith
eff thou hadst asked me for meat, it
would have been given thee. I pity thy
poverty end thy weakness, and esteem
thy family. Thou art forgiven"
The thief was greatly rejoiced, and
was about to depart, when the Quaker
said,
"Take the pork, neighbor."
"No, no." said the thief, az don't
want the pork.
"Thy necessity was SO great that it led
thee to steal. One-haf of the pork thou
must take with thee"
The thief insisted that he could never
eat morsel of it. The thought of the
crime would make it choke him. He
begged the privilege of letting it alone.
But the Quaker was inhexible, and fur
nished the man with bag, put half the
pork therein and laying it upon his back,
sent him home with it.
He met his peighbor daily for several
! years afterward, their families visited
| together, but the matter was kept q
secret, and though in after years the
circumstance was mentioned, the name
of the delinquent was never made known.
The punishment was severe and
effectual. It probably was his first
it certainly was his last-attempt tc
steal.
Had the man been arranged before 6
court of justice and imprisoned for tn,
petty theft, how different might have
been the result. His family disgraced
their peace destroyed, the mans charac
ter ruined and his spirit broken.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
Mixed MetaphOr.

Our readers have perhaps heard of the
member of the German Reichstog who
spoke of " the car of revolution rolling
and gnashing its teeth as it rolled" The
incongruity of the ideas entering into
this metaphor has been far surpassed
recently by Virginia orator. A civic
deputation from Boston and Providence
was passing through Fredericksburg,
Va, on their way to Richmond. The
Fredericksburg people gave them pic.
mic. In the speech of welcome, the
orator of the day, after declaring that
"he would not, if he could, air his vo-
cabulary with glittering but cobwebbed
generalIiies," but would employ rather
"English rnadorned, homely but hon
est old Anglo Saxon" went on to con-
coct the following remarkable pot
pourri:
"We think it right and proper thatyour
first rest should be here on your pres
ent pilgrimage to our capital city-a pill
grimage from the land of Lexington to
the land of Yorktown-the very Alpha
and the very Omega of those struggles
have commenced for and eliminated in
cementing together the Continental
States in free and great republics
pilgrimage from where Warren barred his
breast to the storm of battle and fighting
fell, to where Washington struck, with
his spotless and stainless sword, from
the top tenacious embrace of the then
crouching lion thirteen stars that have
attracted to their orbit the grandest con-
stellation that has ever existed in the tide
of time p
Shakespeare's critics have found fault
with Hamlet for waiting to ''take up
arms againsta sea of troubles" perhaps
Shakespeare wrote against assailing
troubles y, but that feat was nothing to
what Washington is represented as doing
in the above sentence. We have u
"grand constellation floating in a
"tide, and this grand constellation has
been attracted to the orbit OF thirteen
stars" and these thirteen stars are held
in the embrace of the British lion, and
Washington is striking the stars from
his grasp with spotless and stainless
sword" five could get competent
artist to put this scene on canvass it
would be an overwhelming display.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
AHorrihla Rufcner.

A dispatch from Longview, Texas, relates
one Of the most horrible butcheries ever COM
mitted in that State. A family named Sloan
had recently moved into the Brookville neigh
borhood to pick cotton on the farm of Mr..
Hill. A dispute arose between the sloans and
negro, Lum White, because of an accusation
made by Lum that the Sloan children had been
grubbing peanuts from the hills of Lum's
patch. Lum went to the house of Sloan
on Tuesday, and wanted to whip the children,
but was prevented by Mrs. Sloan and her daugh-
ter, about fifteen years of age. For this he swore
revenge, and next morning, upon the plea that
she would show her where some fine muscatines
were, the wife of Lum enticed the girl to a
deep ravine, where Lum was in waiting. While
his wife held the girl, Lum outraged her, and
then, using his pocket-knife, cut her bowels
open, both lengthwise and crosswlse, deliber-
ately cutting off pieces of the entrails as they
protruded, and scattering the fragments far
and near. He then cut the girls throat from
ear to ear, and left her body where found
At the inquest, the woman confessed to
all Of the revolving details, when young
man named Hart, incensed at this cool
recital Of the fiendish brutality, shot the negro
man dead. The wife of Lum, and an old negro
man who lived with them, we're started on their
way to Carthage, but crowd of men met the
escort and took the prisoners and shot them.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
HUMoRs OF 1HE-DAY.

News to be found in every city-ays-
nues.
TIE blind is never guilty of making
the remark, !" viii see you tomorrow p
The advance cry of civilization 10
-"more light /" And the woodman's az
blazes away
"WH men drink is what staggers MS"
says woman's journal. What men drink
is what staggers them
The Indian and women are very much
alike in their ways. Both put on their
war paint when they go out to capture
something.
PRAYER is the "local and the sermon
the editorial /" of the Sabbath morning
service. - Whitehall Times. And the
music is the advertisement.
ONoE in awhile an admiring friend
asks =" Are you the funny man Of the
Derrick 2" whereupon we blush and
reply by asking "Do I look like
d. +. ?'-OI City Derrick.
A LITTLE girl In public school the
other day was parsing the word angel
Coming to the gender, she stopped dis
mayed, and asked her teacher if there
were any men angels in heaven.
CONVERSATION on seaside hotel YER
anda between young man and an elderly
guest: Young man. must have seen
you somewhere, sir ?" Elderly gent
every likely I am pawnbroker."
TILE correspondent who wrote from
dantiest feet of any belle here" had to
leave town suddenly when the paper
arrived with the superlatiye adjective
-. -,
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
LATER NEWS.

THE Land League rooms ct Limerick end
Cork are occupied by police.
NEW YORK has contributed $110,353 toward
the relief of the Michigan sufferers.
A FIRE at Troupe, Texas, the past week, de-
stroyed nearly all the business houses in town.
THE steamer Wisconsin left London on the
Esd inst, having on board for America 400
Mormons.
JAMES DEMPSEY, a lad thirteen years old,
was found dead in vacant lot in Brooklyn
from drinking whisky.
THIRTY citizens of Cleveland have con-
tributed 8, 900 each to the Garfield Monument
Fund, which now amounts to S46, 800.
THE Senate's confirmation of Col Dudley, of
Indiana, was the signal for an ovation to him
participated in by all classes in Washington.
MANUAL MARKS, the notorious bank robber,
has been arrested in New York charged with
robbing the First National Bank of Detroit of
S32, ,OO0-
THE OLeary one-hundred-hour go-as-yous
please walk at Elmira, N. Y, resulted with the
following score: Gerty, S75; Cronin, 369;
Curtis, 1926.
PRESIDENT GARFIELD's remains have been
transferred from the public receiving vault to
Captain L. T. Scofeld's private vault, the
finest in Lake View Cemetery.
PAUL BoYNToN arrived at Yanktown, Dakota,
Saturday, October %, on his trip from the
head of the Yellowstone to the mouth of the
Missouri, thirty-five days out.
FoRaERIEs known to have been committed
by Herbert Theirs, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, foot
up over 100000. Almost every monied man
in the county has been victimized to some ex-
tent.
THERE are still forty persons missing of the
passengers and crew of the steamer Clan Mac
duff. foundered off the Welsh coast on the Goth
of October. All are thought to have been
drowned.
AT NEW HAVEN, Conn.,, Justice Booth rem
dered decision binding Walter E. Malley and
James Malley, jr., over to the Superior Court
for the murder of Jennie Cramer. Application
for bail was refused.
The following pluralities are given as the
result of the official count of the vote of Ohio
Foster, "a, 4O7; Richards, 1886; Longworth,
29, ,s55; Nash, %, IT'S; Turner, 29,641; Paul,
1854. Average Republican plurality, q, ,543.
The Temperance vote was 5000, and the
Greenback vote 1000. Total vote, 625, 600, as
compared with $50, 900 last October.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
How Hofrenstein Was Beat.

Chow do you dink de cotton pisness
viii come oud dis year, Misder Hoffen-
stein 2" said Herman as he busted off
shoe box, and arranged an overcoat on
pile of clothing.
"Vell, dot vas pisness," replied Hof-
fenstein, swat don't like to exbress
myself aboud, und ven efer I dink uf de
money vat I advanced, und vat I nefer
get any more, gets SO mad dot feel
viii die righd away mid de aboplexy. De
first dime dot vent in de cotton pisness,
keep leedle sdore in de country, und
meier mind hanging up dose bants,
Herman, de flies vas too bad. If you
hang up someding vite dey viii speck
plack, und if you hang up someding
plack dey viii speck vite-I dink dat no
Won can svindle me, but I vas mistaken.
Herman, dake my advice, und if you
have sdore in de country don't advance
noding on de cotton crop. I vas SWIM
died dat vay."
"who vos it svindled you, Misder
HofensteinY
"It vas nigger, Herman, und his
name vas Isam. My gracious, efery
Won says he vos de best niger In de
whole country around, und I advanced
him cloding, shoes, provisions, und q
dollar und q half musket for vich 1
charged him only nine dollars, nd he
vas to let me buy all of de cotton vot he
makes. Won dey dell him if he gets
de first cotton of de season in he will get
premium ON it, und he says he vii haf
dree bales week before any Won else.
Veil, it wasn't long ven Won day Isam,
NIT wagon und a couple uf mules,
brings dree bales of cotton to my sdore,
de first uf de year. A couple uf de bales
Weighed eight hundred und de oder nine
hundred. I knew de cotton would bring
dwenty cents bound, 30 gif Isam den
cents for it, und shust as soon as I buy
it Levy Cohen offers me fifteen cents,
but only vinks at him und ask him il
he dinks ] vas more greener as grass
hopper. My gr-r-acious, Herman, yot
you dink, after shipped de cotton
found out dere vas a couple of old cook
stoves In Won bale, und aboud seek
hundred bounds uf an old worn oud saw
mill In de oders, und Isam vas in Arkan-
sas, de tief. Ven de beople found il
oud dey all laughed und said it vas q
shoke, und I got somad dot I didn't sell
dot cotton to Levy Cohen for fifteen
cents, dot I vos in bed a week NIT der
rhuematism. Herman, I don't want nod
ing more 10 do NIT der cotton pisness. II
~ O. Times.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
A Reporter's Fate.

D. L. Love, young man engaged in the
capacity of reporter on the Vicksburg Press,
recently caused to be published an article re-
hecting on the virtue Of young lady residing
at West Point, Miss. Subsequently man named
Lanier married the young lady, and it appears
Immediately after the marriage, Lanier began to
follow Love about the country for the purpose
of numbering him. Love had gone to Green
vile, Miss, in his capacity and was soon fol-
lowed thence by Lanier. Lanier had not been
in the town fifteen minutes before he ran
across Love, who was standing in the rear of 8
livery stable, talking. Without q word, he dis
charged double-barrel shot gun in the face Of
Love, the gun being heavily loaded with buck
shot. Love fell to the ground. and Lanier
drew two large caliber revolyers, and continued
to perforate his body. During the shooting
Love crawled forty feet in his effort to get
away, but died while Lanier was still shooting
Lanier is in Jail.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
~. orLaf, and Property.

Eighty-fve vessels, principally British, were
lost of the coast of the United Kingdom dur
ing the recent gale, against only twenty wrecks
in the early part of the week in all parts of the
world. One hundred and thirty British and
foreign vessels were wrecked last week, an in
crease of one hundred and four over the pre-
vious week. The approximate value of the
property lost was ss, ,000, 900, of which f6, ,OOo-
600 represents British losses. One hundred
and thirty-eight persons are reported lost or
missing. Accounts received subsequent to the
compilation of these statistics state that fifty
nine fishermen belonging to Burnmouth and
Eyemouth are known to be drowned, and one
hundred and forty others belonging to both
places are missing.
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
Sarah ParneIl's Views.

Sarah Parnell, who is sister to the impris-
oned leader, sends the following telegram to
the editor of the Irish World, New York
Bayonet and bullet work is going on all over
Ireland. Terrorism and bloodshed are on every
hand. New outrages on our people are re-
ported every moment. A young girl was de-
hberately shot in her own parlor by Consta-
BILE, in Limerick. The government has estab-
lished reign Of terror on the streets of Dub
lin. Secret information is received by MS that
the government is trying to create an opportun-
a., - 1.+ loos. civ tbors.nd +-oo,s -. a. ;.;
zens. Special powers are given the officers
of the military and orders that have never been
exceeded in bloodthirstiness In the annals Of
crime against humanity. Thousands more of
arrests are expected, though already the jails
are overhowing. Tho Land League has pro-
The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-10-27
NO. EATON. OHIO THURSDAY. OCTOBER 27 1881

on its banks. A dispatch from Dubuque, Iowa,
says 1t has never before been known to be SO
high at this season Of the year. The water was
twoand three miles wide, covering farms, filling
cellers, carrying frewood, lumber, fences, stop
ping factories and driving people from their
houses. Corn Is completely ruined-sprouting
in the field. Reports from Genessee, H., from
Hannibal, Davenport, Keokuk and Alexandria-
narrate about the same state Of affairs.