The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1881-03-25

One of the handsonest coiored ladies
at the inauguration ball, it is said, was
Mrs. Bruce, wife of the ex-senator. Her
dress was of black velvet, with old gold
satin trimmings, and white lace butter
cups.
The Democratic journals call him Ju-
das Iscariot Malone We wonder ii
this patronymic was suggested by the
fact that the Virginia senator refused the
silver with which the Bourbons sought
to tempt him.
With a law to prohibit elopements in
Illinois and the divorce mill grinding at
Chicago at its present rate, it Is estimat-
ed that the race of native Suckers would
become virtually extinct in about twen-
ty-five years.
The German army will go into mourn
ing for the late Gar of Russia. If the
political gossip of Europe is to be cred
tied, that is more than his successor
would do were the Prussian soldIery to
come TO grief.
President Garfield evidently has
thoroughly orthodox opinions in relation
to the big N" but misgivings are germ
mating in the bosoms of Buckeye polili
clans as to his views ON the question of
capitalizing Ohio.
The temperance furore has struck
Delaware. Ii it should result in pro-
hibitory legislation, the old topers of
that eight-by-ten commonwealth will be
driven to the necessity of scudding over
into Pennsylvania every morning tor
their matutinsl bitters.
A bill Is before the Connecticut legis-
lature which provides for ascertaining
whether "life is extinct in a deceased
person." The measure is supported by
a strong lobby interested in determining
whether Mr.. Barnum of that state is a
fit candidate for mortuary offices.
Since the November election that Mo
rey forgery has been good deal less
conspicuous than it was before that sat
isfactory event. 1t appears, however,
that the work of the detectives has been
closures are promised before long.
An inquest will be held upon Ben
Hill as soon as a sufficient proportion of
his fragmeniary remains can be gathered
together TO warrant the coroner in i'm
paneling jury. Meanwhile it might
subserve the ends of justice to hold SEN
ator Malone on a charge of man.
slaughter.
The popular aversion and resentment
inspired by the cussedness of Sitting
Bull, will be immeasureably mitigated
by the intelligence that he is graphing
with the unprecedented infliction of four
mothers-in-law, all of whom he Tugs
around with him and supports with fill
al tenderness.
The method employed by Ben Hill to
ascertain the political status of Senator
Malone, calls to mind the story of the
boy who utilized his sense of touch to
determine whether the buzz saw was GO
ing. When he pulled his finger out all
his doubts were dispelled and the activi-
ty of the saw was triumphantly vindi-
Gated
Gen. Hancock was at the Inauguration
of President Garfield, but Mr. English
couldn't get pass. There is no emf
grant train that goes direct to Washing
ton, and he was unable to foreclose
mortgage in order to pay the regular
fare. Besides, he lost, irrecoverably, five
cents the week before down a crack in
the floor.
History demonstrates that the wives of
presidents generally out-live their hus-
bands. This would seem to indicate
that the cares of state are more destruc-
tive to human longevity than even the
most absorbing contemplation of the
profundest works on fashion or persist
ent indulgence in tight lacing and per-
nicious cosmetics.
A youthful scalawag in New Bremen,
Ohio, recently blew the school house at
that place to atoms by the use of pow
der. II that adolescent specimen of de-
pravity will emigrate to Texas and grow
up with the country, his ultimate
chances for representing Democratic
district in congress will be assured be-
yODd DefadyentIIre