Connecticut western news., 1881-04-13
WIT AND WISDOM.

The man who does Ihe IntnaW aWnO oo9s
 not advertise. advertise.
 THE material for good soldiers must be planted in drills.
 A MATCH safe-One put up where the small boy can't get at it.
 THE first Black Friday occurred in Robinson Crusoe's time. -.
 IT requires man of considerable push to earn his living with wheel barrow.
 THE wings of house do not neces- sarily have anything to do with the fiigaG of stairs. .-. s-e
 IF short man marries at all, how then can he marry short girl without committing 5igamy ,N --~
 IN looking over the household mar, kets we note that domestics have an up- ward tendency. (No allusions to kero- sene, you will observe.)
 Two NEGATIVES are equivalent to an affirmative, and when man says to you, "Come, come!" the two comes are equivalent to "leave."
 MINES nave US0u ulSCONSISu HI 0t. Petersburg. AS they are genuine ones it is not likely that these will ever be quoted on the market.
 THE compositor who set up line from Burns, "Then gently skin thy brother man," knew more about Wall street than he did about poetry.
 "You don't know how it pains me to punish you," said the teacher. "I guess there's the most pain at my end of the stick" replied the boy, feelingly. "T any rate, I'd be willing to swap"
 "YoUR coat, my dear fellow, is in a very dilapidated condition 1; why don't you patronize the tailor p"1 "Why, I have joined the Land League, you know, and have sworn to pay no attention to rents."
 A BOY is never so happy as when the family is moving and he can walk through the streets to the new house wearing 8 chair on his head. That's the only way most boys can sit on & chair. .-..
 A PH1IADEIPH1A paper cruelty asks @ young autograph hunter if she does not think that she would be more useful in her day and generation if she would drop her present occupation and take to raising chickens.
 REPORTERS in s. Louis haven't all been to writing school, and one of them is in trouble because in his item rail road magnate was represented by the type-setter as too boozy--instead of busy-for conversation.
 "WE men of the Bourse," he said to his friend, "are much calumniated. I have now been at the Bourse for more than ten years, and I never knew but two rascals who amounted to any. thing" ''And who is the other ?" asked the friend.
 ARABE1LA (on her toes in a chair, clutching convulsively at her skirts): "Oh, Bridget! A mouse! A mouse l! Come and catch it, quick!" Bridget {: "Shure, mum, there's no hurry. If this one gets away, l can catch plenty more for ye, num-"
 A PREACHER not far from Boston found himself at one time in a sad di- lemma. He stopped in his sermon and said, eff speak softly those of you who are ill the rear cannot hear me; if speak loud I shall certainly wake up those who are close to me-"
 A STOCK broker returning to his office the other day, after a substantial lunch con with @ client, said, complacently, to his head clerk: "Mr. Putkin, the world looks different to man when he has a bottle of champagne in him.. :" "Yes, sir," replied the clerk, signifi- cantly, "and he looks different to the world"
 AN Iowa young woman writes to the papers to warn Eastern women from coming to her neighborhood in search of husband. There are three eligible men in her neighborhood, she says : One is bachelor so far along in life that he wears wig; another is a widower who is suspected of having made away with his wife and has sev- eral children left on his hands; the third and only remaining one is perfectly sweet young man, with an income of $7.25 week" .-
 WHEREAS on certain boughs and sprays
 Now divers birds are heard to sing,
 And sundry flowers their heads upraise--
 Hale to the return of spring. The songs of those said birds arouse
 The memory of our youthful hours;
 As green as those said sprays and boughs;
 As fresh and sweet as those said flowers.
 Oh busiest term of Cupid's court, Where tender plaintiff action bring; Season of frolic and of sport Hail, as aforesaid, coming spring. A LovEsICK LAWYER.
 A GENTLEMAN had five daughters, the first of whom married man by the name of Poor, the second MT. Little, the third MT. Short, the fourth MT. Brown, the fifth MT. Hogg. At the wedding of the latter, her sisters with their husbands were there, and the old gentleman said to his guests 'l have taken gains to educate my daughters that they might act we'll their part in life, and do honor to my family. I find that all my pains, care and expectations have turned out nothing but Poor. Little, Short, Brown, Hogg." ..
 "WHY is it that two souls, mated in the impenetrable mystery of their ma tivity, float by each other on the ocean currents of existence without being in stinctively drawn together, blended and beautifed in the assimilative alembic oi eternal love7" sighed the fair Bos.