Democratic messenger. [volume] (Snow Hill, Md.) 1869-1973, 1881-08-27
WIT AND WISDOM.

WHY IL DrlUBeG uh6 Tic ActIcA Il
Because she makes pet of Pat.
The man with biased Judgment is the
man whose opinion differs from your
own.
FORTY acres of land belonging to one
Jones, of Montana, went over on an
other mans farm one night in land
slide, and Jones is actually being sued
for trespass.
In THIS country when a man Is too
sick to hold his head up the cook stoves
are fired up, and as much is boiled,
stewed, fried and baked for him as II he
were healthy savage.
THE man who is O dead head on the
trunk lines from New York to Chicago,
considers the cut rates great swindle.
He used to save about $50 on a trip;
now he saves only 81.
A YOUNG lady who is doing the Alps
reports progress to her guardian: 81
tried yesterday to climb the Matter
horn; didn't reach the top. It's absurd
ly high-everything is in this country.
Please send me some money"
A FAcETIoUs baker in Auburn put q
broad grin lately on the faces of all his
customers by announcing on a conspicu-
ous placard that he sold yeast of a new
kind which made bread so light that
pound of it only weighed twelve ounces.
QUAIL on toast, when you come right
down to it, is about as unsatisfactory
eating as bacon on cracker, and not half
as good as ham on bread. A cat might
eat the quail, but it takes tough man
to get away with the stuff called toast
"WHAT is your business ?" asked a
Harvard student of an old printer. The
printer looked the young man straight
in the eye and said with great solemnity,
''I am an erector of metallic messengers
of thought, or as am sometimes known,
a journeyman printer"
AVERY, the counterfeiter lately ar
rested, has been in the business for ten
years and never averaged over $40 per
month for his work and risk. He could
have made more than that on newspa-
per, even if he had to trade out ''ads,
and take green apples on subscription.
"How WAS Mrs. Planedame dressed
when you saw her last 2" asked lady
on the hotel piazza. "Oh, very poorly
indeed" replied her interlocutor.
"Would you believe it, she hadn't so
I OnG On ACk AnSCA OA4GS
of ''horrid" and lawful" from all direc-
tons.
The threshing machine has robbed
country life of one of its most exhilarat-
ing pleasures. In the good old days
when the fail was the vogue the city
visitor could retire to the barn and IN
one short half hour get more bangs and
bruises than he can now acquire all day
in the diamond field.
NOTHING: It is hard work to think
of nothing and yet be engaged In
thought, but courtier in the days of
Queen Elizabeth thus explained how it
could be done, when asked by her
Majesty: "What does man think of
when he thinks of nothing?" He
thinks of woman's promises, }" was the
reply.
THE night had suddenly overloaded,
and became quite stormy. Being OF
sentimental turn she accordingly took
her seat at the piano and began to sing,
sTnto some lives the rain must fall.
But he was entirely practical, and,
clutchlng her arm, said tenderly: ''Sing
something else, darling; you know l
didn't bring any umbrella.
ONE of the passengers on board an
ill-fated steamer at the time of disas-
ter, was an exceedingly nervous man
who, while floating in the water, imag-
ined how his friends would acquaint his
wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed
to the telegraph Office and sent this mes
sage: "Dear P, am saved. Break
it gently to my wifer'
AN extract from the letter of recent
emigrant-"I'm wurking on de roads
here at Saratogy, but don't intend to
do it long. Shure Mike Mulhooley,
who left home three years ago come mkt
Aister, has a rich young lady to drive
him around the city wild beautiful spaL,
and he sitting up behind, an his Arms
folded loike foine gintleman entirely.
A GALVESTON school teacher asked
new boy: eff carpenter wants to
cover a roof Is feet wide by 30 broad,
with shingles 5 feet wide by II long,
how many shingles will be needed ?"
The boy took mp his hat and slid for the
door. "Where are you going ?" asked
the teacher. "To find carpenter. He
ought to know that better than any of
we fellers."
A JOURNALIST OF the GnllauSlpnA
Times has been on a fishing trip.
Sometimes" he writes, ga raw-looking
country lad, with q hook and line
made fast to stick cut from tree,
will bring in all the fish he wants,
while the tourist, with split bamboo
rod and silver-plated reel, will have to
buy of the lad, or go home without
fish,"
'WHAT do you think of my kerosene?"
asked the grocer, suavely. "Why,"
says the customer, ''there's nothing
like it in town. When / go into a
house where they use it / can tell it in
an instant" Grocer delighted )-"Such
beautiful white light?" Customer
"Not that, exactly. 1t makes no diff
ference whether the lamps are lighted
or not. 1 recognize it by the smell. 1t
beats all the smells I even smelt. /
guess 1 shan't want any more of it,
thank you"
MRS. MALoNEY ON THE CIRCUS.
'Tis trouble along wild yees coming.
l wish yees war further away,
Wild yeer elephants, painters and monkeys,
Than Africa over the say.
Yees have boorded and plastered the corners
Wild pictures as big as house,
Where the great roaring ghip-hop-on-thomas
, Takes his tay with a little white mouse.