The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-09-23

Next to clear Conscience for solid kum-
rort Gums an old shoe.-J0sh Billings.


~SSSSSSSSSSSS%-s|--S
Next to clear Conscience for solid kum-
fort Gums an old shoe.-Josh Billings.
Young man, benevolence Is becoming, but
you needn't necessarily give yourself away.
-Neo Hdoen Register. .f a...
A Goldfish produces $3.50, 100 eggs. There's
millions waiting for the man who succeeds
In crossing the Goldfish with the hen.--Boston
Post.
Yacob Strauss has discovered that a GER
| tain kind of cheese is causing great mortality
among the people Of New Mexico. He re-
fers to the Apaches.
An Owego man who stepped behind mule
that he intended TO purchase, asked with
| much feeling when he was picked out Of the
| gutter, ..if the cyclone killed anybody else"
Small boy (waicbing his sister iron piece
Of work with a birds nest Of eggs done in
ctewels ou it): al say, sister, If you keep
the iron so loug on those eggs, you'll hatch
'em.n
| "Oh. give me anything made of beaps,"
exclaimed 4 Boston man taken sick In the
West, when asked what he would have to
eat. They obeyed his request. They gave
him castor oil.
| A lot Of Boston girls are going west in
bunch to get married. Poor boys, when you
all skipped to the plains, We thought you
were safe, but alas they're on the trail
Detroit ChGf.
| A piper in q Notthumb, ian Town was once
asked if he could play "Within a Mile Of
Edinbto' Toon." "Wiihin mile" he ex-
claimed, wev, mauu, could play wishiu
ten yards on'.."
The Kansas papers tell of a man in that
Stale who has two hearts. We reckon they
beat as one. But If that man could only fill
to them, what lovely flush he would have!
-Bmiingion Hd~keye.
A little girl living down town was saying
her pr ayers the other evening and had just
flushed /" give us This day oor daily biead,"
when p.ecocious fou,-yeaf old biothef ex-
claimed. "ssy tookies, Many r-1roy Times.
The Popular Science Monthly for Sep EN-
Der has an elabo a.e discussion on the ques-
lion, "Ate cemeteries unhealthy" We
should jmaaioe they were not, 1tom tbe .Lct
tina. doc,oIs are coos:ao,ly sepdiug their
patieus there.
Teacher: "Johp, what are your boots
made OFF" "Of leather" Where does
the leather come from?" From the hide
Of the OK" "What animal. therefore, sup
plies you with boots and gives you meat to
eat ?" "My fatheI.'
The degree of D. d. has been conferred
on the General baggage Agent of the Cen
trail Pacific railroad. This degree is every
day conferred on baggage agents, but two
small DIS are considered sufficient to express
the idea.-Rail,ody Age.
"Wiud In Nebraska ~ said the dusty trav-
eler as he ran the prongs Of his fork into the
free lunch. "Well, l should say the wind
: did blow in Nebraska. / have sat by the
roadside many day watching It blow ten
penny nails out Of the fences. Chicago
Ne,cs.
al stand" said stump orator, "on the
broad platform of the principles of 1776,
, and palsied be my arm II desert EN-"
"You stand on nothing of the kind" said a
little shoemaker in the crowd; "you stand
in my boots that you never paid for, and
want the money"
| Fogg thinks 1t strange that nobody thought
! of reducing the temperature Of the Presi-
denis room by holding a church "soc'al "
In it. Fogg says that one of the "socials "
: they have In his town would put coating
of Ice ten inches thick on a FIRE of blazing
sea coal In less than five minutes.-Poputar
Science Monthly.
At last it has been discovered how Venno'
. frames his weather predictions. Getting uT
at daybreak he takes . walk. If the first
woman he sees is light-haired. he announces
spell OF pleasant weather. II, however
she Is red-haired, he rushes home TO an
, nounce the approach of frightiul ho'
wave.-Philadelphia Chronicie-Her
Sir James Weir Hogg made for.pne ir
India, aud his wife, holding q ds,ins saisbec
place in London fashionable circles, save
a splendid parties. 1t Is said that young
3 blood, meeting one of the Misses Hogg at 1
ball, and not knowing her name, asked he
If she was going to a certain party at the
: one of the litter"
Experimental: "Wheww said the min
y lister, as The barber put the bay rum on ,
s tender face. Powerful, ain't it ?" "Well,
=, says Moses, al just put it on for an expert
You see," said Nose, 81 put some on
: chap the other day and he yelled out: Dam
4 nation that would make a minister swear,
q so / thought I'd try it."-Erchange.
r Papa" said an inquisitive boy, "th
q morning the dominic prayed for mole rain
aud This afternoon Deacon Dixby prayed fo
= Lord loves the deacon and the dominic
n just the same, what do you suppos'
:. he'll do about 1t ?" My son." answered III,
old gentleman sternly, "wheu you want Il
ask foolish questions, 60 10 your mother
4 don't come to me-"
= An exchange says that aJoaquin Miller
n penmanshp makes the angels weep.n Fiou
A the igno, ance displayed in the assertion 1t ].
very probable that the writer never happened
into a composing room when one of th
"angels" took his clay pipe from his mouth
and communed with Nature fer few mo
ments over q page Of the mountain poet
manuscript. Weep! All! no, no !-Detroi
Free Press.
= Two lri,bmen were poa,iug over tn,
new, in one of oar CITY papers, ana comin:
4 10 the heading " Latest" and immeo ct!
e foilowiog IL avery Latest" one said to th'
t oihee: "Au' sure, Tin, will ye oe ahhe
! eypiainio' what this manesw "a, ah, be
dad" said Tim, San lis meself that can ex
y plain that TO ye. Sure the latest Is wha
Il comes in time to be prioted, and the vel
: latest IS what comes af,Ger The paper is out.
She jammei hal pin in her head
II tmade her feel quite sore
O She mu, nured in an uadertoue
I "'Twon't hairpin any more"
= Her lover heard this dreadful Jest,
Add cried ia deco dists ess:
q "That pub, INV darling, poo my word,
Has W eckrd my hal, piaess"
This couple ieiied the m, Lss.eis then,
. But they were not desii ed;
g Fo. all tbeir jokes were new and good,
a Aud they, OF coucse, were fired.
"Do you know who built the ark ?- aske,
]. | Sunday school teacher OF little stree
/. Arab; and the little fellow Replied, "Nsw!'
-Cambridge tribune.
/. Conund, uml Guess IL IL you can,
And tell me, John, the answer
= Wherein clumsy prin.er-man
9. Is like an honest dancer? ?"
"I have ID Jaae.n You haven't, tho ?'
Al I'D make dozen bets
nua rf .har, q he Fl, ys,u Iuopv