The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-01-19

made carefully to order IN order to obtain all
its advantages, for it should be exactly adapt
ed to the peculiarities Of the Wearer.
FLOATING FANOIEs.
Before marriage,
With wondrous care,
She seeks the mirror
And bangs her hair.
After marriage,
With angry glare,
She grabs her slipper
And bangs her heir.
A Nevada critic speaking of a harpist said,
1--WE never before knew there was so much
music il a gridiron.'
When a married women buys a pug dog
for a low price, she gets q bargain, and her
husband gets something to boot.
sDarling,' she said, f''tell me something
about your first wife's love? p Eyes, but my
first wife did not ask me anything about
yours"
Mr.. Ever was married to Miss Joy. The
friends of the victims were shocked when the
press called her "a thing Of beauty" because
she was a ''Joy for Ever"
A friend who has just read a handkerchief
filtration code, advises all men desiring to
avoid breach-of-promise suits to wipe out
their mouths with their coat-tails.
sbe-"How do you like my new belt ?" 1t
was Of shining yellow metal. He-'Well,
I approve Of q little music at an evening par
ty, but q brass band is rather too loud!"
"A child who had lived all her life in London
was one day taken into the country where
she saw for the first time q hen, at which she
she exclaimed: 'Oh, look, mamma, what a
large canary!'
A little girl, q few days since, addressing
her sister, asked "What was the chaos papa
was reading about to-day?' To which the
latter replied. ''Twas 9 great pile of nothing
and no place to put it in"
Chang, the Chinese giant, finds promenad-
ing the streets of New York very hazardous.
He can't walk q block without being caught
under the chin BY 8 telegraph wire; and as he
dosen't know. how to swear in the United
States language, his lot is peculiarly hard and
aggravating.
A lecturer once prefaced his discourse up
on the rhinoceros with, Il must beg you to
give me your undivided attention. Indeed
it is absolutely impossible that you can form
a true idea of the hideous animal of which
we are about to speak unless you keep your
eyes fixed on mel"
AZ a negro prayer meeting, one Of the
brethren earnestly praJsdthat they might be
preserved from what he call their ''upsettin'
sins "Brudder," said one Of the elders,
Eyer hain't 'zactly got de hang OBJ dat ar
word. It's b~esitting'--not upsettin' "Brud-
DER replied the corrected, s'ef OATS so, it's
so; but I was prayin' de Lawd ter sabe us
from the sin Of 'tozication, an eff dat amt
a upsettin' sin, I dunno
Not long since, in one of our neighboring
villages, q young lady who had been en-
gagged to a fine young man for some time,
met a richer person and soon put off the old
love for the new. She wrote to her old low
er requesting him to return her photograph.
Here was q chance for revenge, which he
took by sending her the following note: 81
would gladly comply with your request, but
if I do SO It will spoil my euchre deck. |
have a collection Of photographs which ! use
for playing cards, and do not wish to break
1t by'giving away the deuce Of diamon's."
eyes, I ann the lady who advertised for a
chambermaid. Can you fill the place e.
ssYes'm." "Well, like your looks, and /
think I will take you" ''Yes'm." "What
is your given name?' 'Mary, ma'am."
sWell, Mary, perhaps I had best tell you now
that I am jealous Of my husband. [ caught
him kissing my last girl, and / sent her
away. Il he kissed you, would you come
and tell me q .sYes." "HoW soon?" ssWell
ma'am, I shouldn't like to set the exact time
on that. fit wasa little kiss there'd be no hur-
~ about telling you. If it great big one, !
should want to tell you right away. And
my conscience would force me to give him a
chance to reflect on he enormity Of his Of
fence.
II"