Middletown transcript., 1881-04-22
The BliddletOwn Granstript
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, APRIL p, 1881
CHIPS.

three times last week. There is hope
Wiliamsport Breakfast Table.
The proper remedy for young lady
who is short of stature is to get spliced
as soon as possible.-Netc York Mail.
1t is not generally known, but it is an
indisputable fact, that the cannibal is
the man who chews his society.-Chic.
A man has been found who has made
some money out Of the law. He Dor
rowed it from judge and left the
country.-Puck.
A boy does not always get much
comfort out of his cigar, but he gets
heap of experience. - Stilllrdter Linn
bernldn.
General Garfield never kisses his wife
nowadays. He is afraid the New York
senators might not approve Of it.
Elmira Free Press.
James T. Fields will not appear twice
in public in the same necktie. Texas
cattle thieves possess the same fastid-
ious notions. Modern Irgo.
No, Matilda, piano bangs are not
worn on the forehead, although they
wear terribly on the foreheads of I'M
lucky listeners. s.-Keoktk Gate City.
The orator who wanted to have a
window in his bosom, has since had a
pane in his stomach, and it nearly
killed him.-KeokuE Constitution.
A Chicago drummer has eloped with
the six wives of Salt Lake saint. He
believes with Garfield that ''polygamy
must be crushed out. Gin. Sat. Night.
American presidents get $4,000 a
year. Perhaps that is the reason they
stand the preliminary newspaper critic
isms as well as they do. = Galreston
NelCS.
"How to prevent colds being taken"
is the title of Doctor Smiths lecture.
None but an Idiot would want to pre-
vent his cold being TAKEN Yonkers
Gazette.
1t appears that a Mormon is obliged
to give one-tenth Of all he earns, or pro-
duces, to the church as tithes. And
this is in addition to having more than
one wife-Peck's San.
The Pilgrim Fathers declared kiss
ing a girl on Sunday to be wicked, and
lots of fellows have been so in doubt
about the correctness of the declara-
ton that they've had to try it and see.
Boston Post.
1t could be nothing less than pure
genius-the highest regard for the eter-
nal fitness of things-that led the bill
poster to paste that "Notice to Milk
Dealers on the cooperation pumps
LogeU Citizen.
A man in New Jersey has been ar
rested for breaking into convent be-
cause he was in love with a nun.
Things must be pretty tough in New
Jersey if a man cane enjoy nun Of the
pleasures of life.-Peck'S San.
Brethren, it is easy enough to under
stand why we cannot take every other
PERSONS advice, but it is beyond our
comprehension why every other person
refuses to take our advice. Are we
right, fellow mortals ?-EIchange.
The Russian Nihilists were very
foolish to kill the Gar with bomb.
They might have dispatched him much
more genteely, if not as expeditiously,
by sending for an American book agent
to talk him to death.-Rome Sentinel.
Thirty days after a Michigan man
got a divorce from his wife to marry
one with a handsomer face, the woman
fell heir to S2S7, ,O0O You bet that ex-
husband feels like a man with the
jumping toothache. Detroit Free Press.
A woman returning from market got
into South Hill street car, with
basket full Of dressed poultry. To her
the driver, speaking sharply said,
Stare p ''No," said the woman,
"Fowl! !'' And everybody cackled.-
Burlington Ha,ekeye.
Lightning struck Joe Briggs, South
Carolina man, the other day, and then
tore big hole in the ground, tumbled
the corpse in and covered it up. But it
left his coat-tail sticking out, and he
was Uncovered and dug up. With prac-
tice, however, the lightning can GER
tainly do better.-Peck'S Sun.
a bashful lover never covets death
with more covetOusness than when his
best girl asks him to hold her baby sis
ter. He holds the youngter as if it
were built of very fragile glass, and,
with his toes turned in and hot wave
sneaking up and down his back, he
looks pleasant enough to eat the infant
without gravy.-Chic.
"Any good shooting on your farm r.
asked the hunter Of the farmer. "Splen-
did, "replied the agriculturist "there's
a drive-well man down in the clover
meadow, cloth-peddler at the house,
a candidate out in the barn, and two
tramps down in the stock-yard. Climb
right over the fence, young man, load
both barrels, and sail in. .''-Bmlinqton
Haaokeye.
HIS ANSWER. R.-They tell it on one Of I
our citizens who was ambling toward |
his place of business, that he was ap-
preached by lady acquaintance of the
family, who said: ''Mr. -, hear
you are suffering from rheumatism, is
it so ?'' "Rumor tits m'm,'' y said our |
citizen of few words, as he proceeded |
on his way. Over in ChicOpee our
neighbors and friends have been having
quite time with rheumatism but ac-
cording to reports received by our re-
preventative the furry is over, as the
sure antidote has been used and thus
commented upon Mr.. G. N. Manches-
ter, Cutler street, says relative to his