Daily Republican., 1881-05-05
FOLLY Az 1T FLIES.
Humorous Drifts on the Sea OF
JOurnaIisticiFa Facetis.
"TWO TOLLAR,'

OF mousse on huSSell SJTeet lew "ds' .
ago, and when the insurance adjusterS
went mp to make their survey they
found about two dollars would cover
the loss.
"rwo tollar," exclaimed the owner
when he heard the decision, Il cant
take no two tollar."
"But YOU see for yourself that dozen
shingles and an hours work will make
good all damages.
"Gentlemens' you doan' put me of
like dot. When my wife finds dot we
vhas on fire she screams boleece anl
murder und falls down stairs. Would
YOU let your wife fall down stairs for
dot sum ? If so goes homo NIT you
and see der fun
eve do not insure husbands and
wives, but buildings was the reply.
81 know, but mein oldest poy he run
for der tire-box und falls plcket-ience
oafer und breaks his good clothes all TO
pieces. Two tollar Dot doan' bay
for me coming up here.
ayes, but we can only pay for actual
damages.
"Dot's all | vhant. Who stole my
dog when my house was on fire? Dot
dog ish gone, und he was ten tollarS
wort" "
awe didn't insure your dog"
"Und maybe you don't insure dem
hoys who sat on der fence and sang out:
"Dot old Dntchmal's red nose h;ts set
his house on fire !" DO you expect |
take such sass like dot for two toilar ?
| l1nd when der frenens come here uey
break mein clotheS-line down init der
ladders, und dcy spill waSser all oater
nv carpets. Two tollar Vhell, vhell !!
YOU 90 right away from here und |
takes dot old insurance bolicy una steps
him into der mudl !'-Free Press.
He was coming down John II. street
with a 'rrick" in hi9 back, a wobble i'll
his knee. aud u thumb tied up in rag.
pcrspiration had wiIted his collar and
made his hannels crawl up, and each
| knee carried the marks OF dust. AT
Miami avenue he halted n pedestrian,
got his aching back against the lamp
post, and asked:
"Sir, do you suppose that George
Washington ever fell down stairs with
a bureau after him and on top Of him -
| 81 don't think So
IJll lJllltl w tllNitl NN'l tlIIi 'ti
old ingram carpet t'other side up, and
haul it around, and pull his blamed
arms off, and pound his thumbs TO a
mash in tacking it down ~
81 never heard that he did.
"Aud, sir do you believe that Henry
Clay ever lugged durn old bedstead
all over the house, papered bedrooms,
daubrd around with paint, and lifted
stoves until his eyes stuck out like lem
ons on Greeley hat
81 never heard that Henry was any
such man."
"No, of course you didn't, and yet
| YOU and the rest of the world wonder
why don't get up and perorate and
philosophize and theorize and thunder
around like an earthquake. Look at
ne Feel of me! Go ache as | ache,
wilt az | wilt, and then tell me what
earthly chance man of moderate
means has in this world for secur-
| ing the laurels of fame. Yes, sir, and
be banged to you, sir, and even now
| Pm on my way down town to buy Il
whitcwash brush, two pounds Of putty,
a peck Of lime and four more papers OF
tackS. Free Press.
They attended the same little EpiSco-
pal church, and D--'s pew was dl-
rectly in front Of that of Judge Kent.
| Now d had very slow and i'm
prcssive way of repeating the responses,
and some times Jagged IA little behind
the rest Of the congregation.
Judge Kent waited one morning qni-
ctly until he got at just the right place
| in tie service, and then as the creed
was being said he leaned forward and
WhiSperrd into the ear Of his friend.
JUDGE u, out loud enough to con
vu,er ,,,; immediate circle with un'
scemly laughter:
Judge d, wish you could man.
age to descend into hell little quick
Cr
"Charlie," said Ncw-Orleans girl to
her lover, MS she noticed II lit OF fabStrac-
tion he had fallen into, care you think
ing of the harry flture-ot the, time
when you will clasp me to your heart
and call me your own bluShing bride p
"No, nv dear" he replied, 81 was
thinking Of bill of goods sold to-day,
and if l'ln not mistaken, | lost two
| ttU1 \ II Ittl1lNl tll ii WA VI 'h''''' 'ii
night wind swept through the trees and
| the stars twinkled in the heavens as
she slammed the door and left him
standing on the gallery gazing far out
| into the silent night.
A class of boys were very much inter
ested in the teachers description Cf the
exploits of English Sportsmen i'll India,
| when Que of the lads unable to repreSs
his enthusiasm. eXultantly observed
"rhat's bully. My fathers a hunter,
too" "Indced," said the teacher, he
hunts quail, partrdges aud other small
game?' No, he fights tigers. | heard
mamma tell him if he didn't stop we
| would be ruined"
He was at breakfast, wrestling with
piece of remarkably tough veal
His wife said TO him, "You always say
! there's something to be thankful for in
everything. fancy you'd be puzzled
to find something to be thankful for in
that veal" "Not at all, d" he cheerfulIy
responded, stopping to breathe; II was
lust thinking how grateful we should
be that we met it when it was young"
Lord Dufierin relates with great
pusto that when he came home from
| India to get married he found no car
rage awaiting him at the little Irish
railroad station, and he had to hire a
common jaunting-car. Going along he
asked the driver if there was any news.
Nothing" said he, "eXccpt that pretty
Kate Hamilton is going to marry that
one. eyed Dutferin.
: Charwoman-"'Ple tell me sir,
what Pm owing ye for yer visits. !"
Doctor-"Oh, my good woman. never
mind about that | never make any
charge in such cases as yours. Char
woman, Neutrality-suspicious. ye, sir,
kindly but who's to pay the chemists
bill?"
"You must admit" said red-nose,
vagabond to n temperance lecturer
chat alcohol is good for one thing at
least, and that is to clean silver -
"YeS," retorted the lecturer, 'and it is
| Ill /. .,,,r,, tb,t alcohol has tc1paupl'