The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-05-07
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Does girl cuAgei her brains every time she
bangs her hairy
Every new reformer threatens to knock the
ssufang out OF the ballot-boxes.
McstIven says the crowned heads Of Europe
arc oil trembling In their boots.-N. U. |"dyafe'
cynical man says his wife 10 only half like q
telescope He can draw her oat, but he can't
shut her up.
To avoid being cheated In q horse trade be ssrc
that your horse is absolutely worthless. This
simple rule never fails.
paper giving an account Of shooting ARRAY,
ssys the wounded man Is expected TO recover as
the pistol ball lodged in his "dInner pail"
An enterprsing reporter, writing up wreck
Ct sea, stated that mo less than fourteen OF the
unfortunate crew aud passengers bit the dust"
In most trades young man is advised to BE-.
gin at the bottom and work up. But this Is not
practical In well digging. -Boston Post.
There are 100, OCe commercial travellers In this
country. Among such an array OF drummers
there must needs be many sticks.-BoSto'' Tran
Arpt.
A quack doctor In Springfield, Mass, assured
woman that he had driven her disease into one
OF her great toes, which therefore ought to be
amputated. She submitted to the operation.
Lolita Darling is a c!airvoyant at Lawrence,
Mass, but her sight WIS not strong enough to
discern the approach OF her husband when an.
other man was kissing her or fight might have
been prevented.
"War Is a dreadful destroyer OF human lfc,"
remarks q correspondent In beginning an article
On "Thc Destiny Of Liberty" This Is, indeed,
true, but for steady work give us a kerosene
lamp.
Aman supposed TO be deranged passed down
the rapid current Of the Des Moines river astrde
alog, during freshet, keeping an upright posi-.
ton by means Of an oar. ne shouted to the
spectators that he was bound for New Orleans
and hadn't time TO stop.
The parents Of boy at Decker, Ind, gave him
O sulphur bath to cure him OF rheumatism
Their way Of administering the remedy was to
seat him In chair, pile feather beds over him,
and then burnt sulphur underneath. He was
cured Of rheumatsm-and all the rost Of lifes
ills.
The editor of the steubenville Herald, TO whom
an advertisement was offered headed: 1.-TWO sis.
teu want washing" ungallantly remarks, while
publishing IL: "All right, girls. we are not TAX
somebody that will wash you II you really want
IT,"
While listening to a sermon In a church In
New Orleans, two young men, named Cassard
and Sanchez, got into difficulty, and went out
fde 10 settle 1t. Five rounds were fought In the
presence OF large part OF the congregation.
"And did your iae husband die in the hope OF
blessed Immortality, sister WigpinsT' inquired
he new minister, who was making his first call |
~ q fair widow of his congregation "Bess,
ou, no!' was the mournful response, 'he died |
Chicago"
ayes, sir" said Mr.. Gallagher, at WAS funny
nough to make donkey laugh. laughed TIL |
cried, and then as he saw q smile 70 round |
be ROOM he grew red Ia the face and went away
sad.-Boston Post.
The editor Of the rittsbnrg Post has receiver
card from Mile. Sara Bernhard saying sho will
Ill for Europe next Wednesday. lie answers
lying he'd like to go; but being amarried man.
ecan't
An ambitious young man started newspaper
Piscopia, Cal, last month. In the first num-
,r he wrote these sad lines: This may be our
neral, as no man knows when his is coming"
nc entire edition had not been struck Oft when
'bt by barkceper,
Bcene at the Continental kursaal: English
Ity at card table"Hello, we are two to two"
iglish party at opposite tabo-"We are two to
o, too" German spectator who speaks En-.
isb," to companion, who Is acquiring the Ian
,age-"Vell, now you see how dis is OF you
mt to gife expression NIT yourself In English
you have to do Is to play nit der F..I1uch
ruH
Ha took her little hand In HE;
She turned away to blush.
He gently said: my darling, don't
You love the evenings hushg |
The darkning shadows In the glen, |
The red suns dying HushT |
"Ul George" she murnured soft andl low,
"Do let up on that gush." |
ohio Is said to be excited because the son of
baptist minister has married tho daughter Of a |
wish rabbi. Anything that tends TO retard the |
assumption Of pork is certain to create excite. |
mt in Observation-Disclosures Chronicle Herald.
appearances are often deceitful. During the
Al Of liGuo, case at Troy Kansas, last week
attorney for the prosecution promptly object |
TO certain jurymaR. What In the world did
challenge that man forP' asked one who
Interested in the prosecution. "Why," re.
I'd the lawyer, "a man with such a face and
ie will never bring in verdict against man
selling whisky" WELL" returned the other,
III have put of one Of the strictest church
MIXERS and most radical temperance men in
county!'
lev Jersey precocty is almost phenomenal.
ady In Trenton last week, having an errand
left her baby, just able 10 creep around the
n, in charge Of her three year.old son. She
Lueted the latter to stay with the baby till che
lrned. She was only gone about fifteen min.
s, and when she got back she found the infant
Eed 10 the floor and the three. old miss.
During her Ahsence he got In q iacLa and