The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1881-04-28
CandOr Versus Courtesy.

pie there are, who, seeming unable to
draw line between deception and reti.
cence, commonly associate insincerity
with courtesy, bluntness with honesty
as though the attempt to make things
pleasant must necessarily involve deceit,
as if there were certain incompatibility
for the feelings Of others. How often do
we hear the remark, ooh, - is very
good fellow, but I don't quite trust him,
he's too civil by half" or, "You must
not mind IS rough manner, it is only
his honest, outspoken way; he can't help
saying what he thinks" And so, on the
strength of a reputation for honesty, the
plain, blunt man sneers at or ignores the
polish which prevents unpleasant fric-
ton, and expects to be allowed to elbow
his way through life, priding him
self upon the abrupt utterance of
unpleasant truths, disconcerting some
people, irritating and vexing
others, and, by way of asserting his own
individuality, treading without compunc-
ton upon his neighbours finest feelings,
and oftentimes leaving his heavy foot
prints upon hearts that are tender, sad
or sorrowful. Persons of strong will or
strong opinions are, perhaps, the most
prone to this species of self-assertion,
being much given to measuring and
judging everything by their own fixed
ideas, and to showing an undisguised
contempt for those who differ from them;
but so far from blunt, discourteous,
fault-finding spirit. with keen eye for
blemishes and defects, and dull appre-
hension of merit, being in any way desir-
able, it only proves man wanting in one
of the most necessary of social virtues,
viz: sympathy; in every discourteous
way he practically says, "Your comfort
and convenience are of no Importance to
me; you are person Of no importance
whatever" and naturally enough under
this treatment resentment is aroused.
goodwill vanishes, and affection melts
away. There would be fewer broken
friendships, fewer unhappy unions
and family quarrels, were it not
so much the habit and custom
amongst intimate friends and relations
to neglect the small courtesies of life,
TO show less and less mutual Difference
as they grow more and more familiar; it
is the foundation of misery in marriage,
and many q serious and lifelong estrange-
ment has begun, not from want of affec-
ton so much as from lack of that deli
cate and instructive appreciation of the
feelings of others which makes person
shrink from saying unpleasant things or
finding fault unless absolutely obliged
and in any case to avoid wounding the
offenders sense of dignity, or stirring
up within him feelings of opposition
and animosity; for although many per-
sons profess to be above taking offense at
honest criticism, and even seem to court
criticism, yet it must be very, very
carefully administered not to be unpal-
atable. Even kind and generous actions
are often so uncouthly performed as to
cause the recipient more pain than
pleasure, while reproof or denial may
be so sweetened by courtesy as almost to
do away with any sense of modification or
True good breeding is
always inclined to form favorable judg-
ment, and to give others the credit Of be-
ing actuated by worthy motives; it does
not wish, or seem to know, more about
people than they themselves desire should
be known, but it is al
ways prepared, when necessary to take
an interest in the affairs
of others, while self is not suffered to in
trude unduly; in a superior it never re.
minds an inferior, by tone or gesture, of
his position; in an inferior it never apes
equality. A show of respect never fails
to beget respect. Suaviter in modo,
fortiter in re. should be the motto of all
who desire to be either useful or beloved
the stronger an individual, the more i'm
pressive is his gentleness, the wiser he
is, the more gratifying and compliment.
tary his Difference; and in world where
there is so much unavoidable discomfort
and unhappiness, it is surely every ones
duty to cultivate those gracious manners,
under whose magic influence the rest
less and dissatisfied grow more content
with themselves and their surroundings,
by which the difiident are encouraged,
the invalid is reused and interested, the
young are inspired with self.respect, the
old are kept bright and hopeful; which,
in short, beam sunshine everywhere, and
increase a thousandfold the aggregate of
human happiness. As regards the plea
that extreme courtesy must verge upon
insincerity, there is no dishonesty in
being civil; it is only carrying in
to practice the golden rule, to give to
every one the best place possible in ones
esteem, and while not forgetting what is
due to oneself, to remember at the same
time the respect due to others. Why we
should always hang our pictures in the
best light possible, and yet be SO inclined