Daily Republican., 1881-07-14
MIDsUMMER MIRTh.
Stray Bits Gathered Upon tho Sea
Of Journalistic Facetia.
SEVERE ON THE MINISTER.

stray DIE UHtnoFOu upon inc SC
Of Journalistic Facetia.
SEVERE ON THE MINISTER.
Among the inmates of the County In
sane Asylum was man who is Oftel
perfectly sensible, and when accosted a
such times causes people to wonder VIII,
lie is confined there. This inmate Ell
tered into conversation the other da,
with caller whose dress proclaimed
him to be a clergyman. Said the ina,
man:
'lt was too bad, was it not, the kill
ing Of Grant at Chicago"
"It was, said the minister, who fol
lowed the accepted custom of assentin,
to the statements of lunatics for ueac
sake.
Hayes was assassinated at Cincin
natl, was he not?" again asked the lun
attic.
Yes, replied the clergyman.
"And was not Queen Victoria mur
dered in her palace ?" To this quer,
from the man the clerical yisitol
once more answered in the affirmative
The lunatic, with "damnable iteration
named, one after another. a dozen liv
ing royal personages, all of whom tht
clergyman was led to admit had beer
put out Of the way.
Finishing his catichism, the madmar
turned on the clergyman and said
tiercely:
Your dress shows you are u mini :.
ter, but you are the worst liar | evel
met. '-Rochester Herald.
A MATTER-oF-FACT MAN,
A tourist wandering alone upon the
edge of Il bog at the foot OF Ben Nevis
had the misfortune to miss the prOpel
path and stumbled into a boz, and
where, ere long, his struggling served tl
sink him to his aIlnpits in the tenacious
nire. In this terrible plight he espieC
stout Highlander not far away, to
whcm he cried out at the top of hit
voice:
"Ho, what no, Donald! Here-come
here!"
"My name is not Donald" the High
lander said, approaching him.
Never mind what your name is! Do
You see the plight AIN in? | can never
get out of this alone"
'lndeed, mon, | dinna think you
can" And with that he turned away.
Good heavens, are you going to leave
me here to die?" the tourist cried.
"Eh-d You want me to help your"
''Do want you to help? What can
do else?"
"Sure dinna know"
"Wlll You help me?"
"Ay-if you want me to-"
"Ob, help, he.r, help me, in heaven $
namen
"lndced, mon, why didn't you ask
me that in the tirst place."
And the Highlander quickly lifted
him ont and set him Oh hard ground.
LOVELY WOMEN.
"You must love Miss Lawrence very
much" said Jack to Miss Dashie AZ
they left that lady, whom they had jGst
met on the street. "You gave her a.
most rapturous kiss on the cheek" and
Miss Dashie replied: 81 despise her -
"Ihen, why such Il kiss" "Why,
didn't you seep She was terribly
aud I made spot on her cheek
with that kiss that will let evervh",,'y
who sees her, in;o the secret of her ele.
CANT complexion" Women are Queer
treatures.
I-'at was good specimen of Ameri.
can wit in the reply made by the old
'ottler who had lived in his city since
u was a log cabin or two, to the young
na'L who was putting him through Il
70 arse of lnterrogatories. "Iou must
lave lived here a long time ?" "Well,
| reckon" "Why, how long since you
came here ?" young man." said the
cid settler, seizing the questioner by
the coat lapel, edo you see that hill
across the river (pointing to lofty
peak)?" eyes, said the other, 81 do"
"Well, ! kim here, sir when that was
nuthin' but hole in the ground.
A witness in coart, who had been
to give a precise answer to
every question and not talk about what
he might think the question mea n !, was
as follows:
"fou drive wagon?"
"No, sir, do not"
"Why sir, did you not tell my learn
sd friend so this morning."
"No, sir, did not"
"Now, sir, put it to you on your
oath: Do you drive wagon"
"No, sir"
"What is you- occupation"
81 drive horse"
A prudent and forehanded Scotch |
was one Maggie Dee. One
)onnet had served her turn for upward
'ta dozen years, and some ladies who
ived in the neighborhood, in offering
% give her Il new one, asked her
she would prefer silk or straw
Is material. "Well, my leddies," said
bid Maggie, after careful deliberation,
since you insist on gi'en me bannct
think I'll take a straw ane; il may
&c Il mouthful to the coo when I'm
Trough it,.
A witty New York society woman
vas standing with a friend before lola $
!reatly admired picture of Lot and his
daughters, which was ON exhibition in
N art store on Fifth avenue. ooh "
emarked the friend, dolOrously, "what
10 you suppose Lot thought when he
'eheld his poor wife turned to pillar
f salt" 81 suppose, replied the wit,
With admirable gravity, she thought
low he could geL himself a fresh one.
True merit will always ne recognized
circus manager reeently wen. fishing
Il a certain brook, and found ont there
wasn't fish in it. And tie next day
70 heard poor young man declare that
e had just caught 291 trout from that
rook in three hours. The circus owner
t once saw the worth Of the lad, and
ired him at $40 week to write bills
dvertiSing the circus.