Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-06-17
F. u N

F. u n
DARN IT. "-They had terrible time
at wedding up at Petaluma the other
day, and which only goes to show how the
smallest drawback will sometimes take the
stiffening out of the SWEETEST occasion.
It seems that the ceremony was very
grand affair, indeed. There were eight
bridesmaids, and the church was crowded
from pit to dome, as the dramatic critics
would say. But, when they got to the
proper place in the ceremony, and the
groom began feeling around for the ring,
he discovered that it wasn't on hand
After the minister had scowled at the mis-
cradle wretch for while the latter detec-
ted that the magic circlet had slipped
through hole in his pocket and worked
down into his boot. He communicated
the terrible fact in whisper to the bride,
who turned deadly pale, and was only
kept from fainting by the reflection that
they would inevitably cut the strings of
her satin corsage in case she did.
ssWhy don't you produce the ring?''
whispered the bride 8 big brother, hoarse
ly, and feeling for his pistol, under the i'm
preston that the miserable man was about
to back out.
81 can't. It's in my boot" explained
the groom under his breath, his very hair.
meanwhile, turning red with modification.
"Try and fish it out somehow-hurry
up!n mumbled the minister behind his
book
"I'll try." gasped the victim, who was
rather stout; and he put one foot on the
chancel rail. pulled up his trowsers leg.
and began making spasmodic jabs for the
ring with his forefnger. The minister
motioned to the organist to squeeze out a
few notes to fill in the time, while rumor
rapidly went through the congregation to
the effect that telegram had just arrived
proving that the groom had four wives
living in the East already.
IL can't reach it" groaned the halt
married man in agony. It won't come"
''Sit down and take your boot off, you
fool!' Kissed the BRIDES mother. while the
bride herself moaned piteously and wrung
her powdered hands.
There was nothing left, SO the sufferer
sat down on the floor and began to wrestle
with his boot, which was naturally new
and tight, while fresh rumor got under
way to the effect that the groom was
beastly tight and insisted on pairing his
cOrns.
AS the boot came finally off its crushed
wearer endeavored. unsuccesstully, to hide
q trade dollar hole in the heel of his stock
ing; noticing which, the parson, who was
a humorous sort of sky contractor, said.
grimlY:
"You seem to be getting married just
in time. my young friend" And the GER
emory proceeded with the party of the
first part standing on one leg. trying to
hide his we'll vetilated foot under the
tail of his coat, appropriately mutteriDg,
"Darn it p at short intervals. Derrick
Dodd, San Francisco Post.
A CHANGE OF TUNE.-A Galveston
clerk went to his employer, Old Twoper-
cent, Yesterday, and said to him:
ssMy uncle has arrived from the interior
to spend Mardi-Gras, and would like to
be excused from the store for a few hours
lust to show him our Cotton Exchange
our harbor improvement, particularly
those of the bar, and few natural ad-
vantages."
Old Twopercent got as mad as the mis-
chief. He scolded, stamped his foot and
bawled out:
s'Your pishness is in the store. You
schoost go away from de store and docks
your wages on the spot.''
81 am SORRY" responded the clerk, de-
murely; "but if don't see him, he may
buy his goods of some other house. He
usually buys about $40, OOO.'
Ssh dot SO ?" said Old Twopercent,
smiling smile saints might have envied.
'sVy didn't yer tole me before, so I could
meet him at de depot ven der train come
in. '-Galueston Neus.
An old Scotch lady gave pointed re-
ply to a minister who knew he had Of
Tended her, and who expressed surprise
that she should come SO regularly to hear
HIM preach. Said she, my quarrel's VII
ye, mon, it, no WI the gospel"
1T is sad thing" said Mrs. Spilkins
to her husband, "for man to have his
will contested after he is dead.'' "Con-
tested after he is deadI' cried Spilkins.-
"That is not half SO bad as to have it con-
tested after he is married."
When boy becomes ashamed to sit in
his mothers lap. he's probably in business
for himself holding somebody on his own
lap.
Coal is so scarce in some parts of the
West that young people engaged IN court
ing have to sit in each others laps to keep
warm.
When two women with new hats on pass
on the streets, there is apair OF back stairs
hniit Immediately.