Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1881-02-25

A sporting young man in Magenta
Bet his father a farm he had sent a
Bay mare called Miss Green
A mile in eighteen"
np. no Last f,r -ba uy.pt in g-aO

But he lost for she went in 2=eo.
A Bridgeport man says his wife is only
half like telescope He can draw he
out, but he can't shut her up.
A citizen of New Jersey, recently i'll
troduced to a newly married man, con
graduated him warmly, and said (: ''Ah
those Paterson girls make clever wives
I've had three of 'em.
His text was, what dost thou here
Elijah % He divided it into two heads
First, my brethren" said he, ''let us
consider what Elijah did hear and, sec
ondly, what he didn't hear"
Lecture upon the rhinoceros. Profes
sor Il must beg you 10 give me youi
undivided attention. 1t is absolutely i'm
possible that you can form true idea OF
this hideous animal, unless you keep youl
eyes fixed on me"
Singular coincidence-Two comical
looking characters met at the Galveston
Union depot. Said one You don't
live here, do you?" "No, l don't. u
what singular coincidence don't
either" ''Are you from Seguin 2" mo,
am not" by thunder, another COIN
cidence I'm not from Seguin either.
-Gdtr6Ston AerS.
Technical knowledge: A two foot rule
was given to laborer in n Clyde boat
yard to measure an iron plate. The Ia
borer not being well-up in the use of the
rule, after spending considerable time,
returned. moo Mick" asked the platter,
what size is the plate?" We'll" re-
piled Mick, with grin of satisfaction,
its the length of your rule and two
thumbs over, with this piece Of brick and
the breadth Of my hand and my arm frem
here to there, bar finger"
There is a Judge in Galveston whose
head is MS bald as that of an American
eagle A little boy living next door has
got it into his head that lack of hair is in
separately connected with the title Of
Judge, consequently when a lawyer whose
head is densely covered with hair, called,
and was addressed as Judge" little
Tommy shook his head and said You
amt no Judge Can't fool me-" why
am no judge?' ''Cos yer hair amt
parted wide enough" was the guileless
reply GdiceSton Nesrs.
The great T. T., says the Score, was
conducting at rehearsal, when the
French horn gave dismal fiat and
s'break." You blew that wrong" said
the conductor, violently. Beg pardon,
replied the equally irascible horn-player,
81 blew it all right,-it came out wrong" "
The threatened explosion did not take
place.
A young chap from Shutesbury, Mass,
having his girl along, took her to dinner
at hotel not far from Amherst the other
day, and the pair were seated together at
the table Directly i'll front of them
stood glass containing celery, the white,
crisp stalks still having the green leaves
on them Never having seen anything OF
the sort before, and mistaking it for
something ornamental, he turned to his
sweetheart and remarked, in n drawing
tone That's a hefty bo'kay, amt it?"
On Wednesday night about o'clock an
inebriated man was observed holding
himself up by means of a lamp-post on
a prominent street. This lamp-post con-
tanned a mail-box, and the man had appa-
rently stood there for some time. As
reporter had occasion to pass the man he
said to him ''Hello, there what's the
matter 2" Well" said the man, q
hic-put ) cents in the box here half all
hour ago, and the car amt startedyet."
Kind words never die. An elderly
stranger bought copy of the Ne,0s from
n newsboy and handed him a quartor,
but upon the boys hunting for change
the old gentleman said: Never mind
the change, sonny, Just keep it for your
self" This was probably the first kind
word that had ever been spoken to the
friendless orphan boy since his
mother died, and it completely 0vercame
him. Brushing hastily away tear, he
seized his benefactor's hand, and exclaim-
ed in husky voice: Bully for you, old
stick-in-t -the-mudl i wonder how much
reward there is offered for you by the
savings bank You used to be president
of.
During a recent session of the Calves
ton county district court stranger en-
ployed one of our young lawyers to assist
the county attorney in prosecuting a man
charged with burglary The young law
yer did his very best to convict the burg
lar, but the jury acquitted him without
leaving their seats. When the stranger |
who had employed the young lawyer to
prosecute the burglar came to pay the
young lawyer, the latter said: 81 will
only take half the money, us | failed to
convict him" That's Just why L want
to pay you well" was the reply Of the
stranger The prisoner is my brother,
and if l hadn't hired you to help the state
he would have been convicted and sent
to the penitentiary. You have done no.
bly," The young lawyer gobbled the fee
without any more hesitation. He says
he earned it t-GQlrcston Ne9os.
THE cYSIc.
Oace he sang of maijons,
Sweet and Jolly msdcns,
Now he Is u cynic,
Cynic, cross and cold;
Just because when smitten
He received the mitten,
He must thiuk that maiens
Are all rrts and bold.
OIL city DtrricE, Aftt" Mach.
A wedding party was dismissed by the
intended bridegroom at Lafayette, Ind,
81 understood the young lady to say yes"
he explained, "but it seems that | was
mistaken, and she meant to say NO.
A French chemist is reported to have
given n striking proof of domestic aficc-
ton. He condensed the body OF his de-
ceased wife into the space of an ordinary
SEAL and had her highly polished and set
in ring. He made NICE income by
betting with lapidaries and others that
they could not tell the material Of the
seal in three guesses, and, after pocketing
the money, would burst into tears and
say, ''It is my dear, dear wife"
Vivier, the irrepressible practical joker,
sees well-dressed gentleman stop on
the street and extend his hand dtoa friend.
''Scoundrel - he misses in the mans ear,
"have You no sense Of shame A man
with seal-skin overcoat and diamond
pin asking a stranger for aims in broad
daylight Where is the Society for the
Suppression of Mendicancy 2" 'But,
sir, gasps the stranger, Il wasn't beg
ging-l was only going 10 shake hands
with this gentleman. ooh, indeed
beg your pardon then, but really, /
thought" Bows gracefully y, smiles genial
ly ana departs, leaving the stranger pos
sessed with frantic desire to shed his
blood.
When our rights are IN conflict with
the rights Of others ii ls better to com
promise and get what We can than fly to
the uncertainties Of the law and risk los
ing all As Sir Boyle once said "Mr.
Speaker. it would surely be better to give
up not only Il part, but If necessary even
the whole of the constitution III order to
preserve the remainder"
There is nothing like being properly
armed and equipped for the battle of life.
Still, few men are in the happy condi-
ton of the Irisl.man who sent II letter to
a friend saying that while he was writing
he lad pistol in both hands and a sword
in the other.
The Fenians have every excuse for re
volt against a government which has op-
pressed their country for centuries. They
declare, with true Hibernian rhetoric,
that they "have stood prestrate at the
foot of the throne, and asked in vain for
the rights which they now propose to de
mand. Under such circumstances 1t IL
easy TO see that 'Ireland's cup Of misery
has been overilowing for generations, and
is not yet full.
One Of the best epitaphs ever written
was that on DIR. Fuller. 1t was, "Hero
lies Fullers earth.