Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1881-01-07
sELF.ACCUsATION.

HAVE frittered away the happiness of my
life.
Why did marry her? had often made
this mental query; l did SO IN the very days
which directly followed our honeymoon.
Still loved her, rs L love her still. The fact
is, l should never have married ut all.
She is u most peculiar character. / did
not understand her in her girhood, and, l
fear, do not understand her yet. Ideas are
fermenting within her, OF which can form
no conception; and now and then her eyes
reflect strange, incomprehcnsible emotions,
which soon again disappear to her inner
self, just like prisoners who at times peep
forth from their bars into the outer world,
and then retire again to the conceament OF
their cells. She is my wife and l hold her
rs few other men would. She bears my
name, sits by my side when drive out, or
takes my arm when / promenade; but
know perfectly well that the loved one be-
longs no longer to me, that she is but the
shadow of the blithe Pauline whom won in
the bloom Of her rosy youth.
She had been an unloved child. Hence,
from her infancy, she had striven for inde-
pendence, and Mt nineteen her object was
gained. AT that age she was already earn
ing livelihood by writing Tor different pub
lications. That was for her period of
struggling and suffering, which taught her
hair is already silvered, which imposed bur-
dens upon her that should by right be borne
only by age and manhood. But she knew
how 10 preserve her youthful freshness of
mind and body. she conquered all hard
ships, and was when / first met her an ad-
mired and courted authoress. But now, ex-
isling in happy independence and easy cir
cuimstances, she fciled to profit by the les
sons taught her in bitter experience. She
remained q woman-whose reason is i'm
pulse, whose principal Is inclination, whose
whole being is one breath OF love.
She was not beautiful, hardly even pretty,
hut there was something-I don'tknow what
lin her enchanting face, in the unaffected
effervescence Of her ways, that bewitched
everybody. For her sake, old men rs well
as young ones became guilty of the most
egregious follics. She did not trust them /;
herexperience protected her from that; but
perhaps she amused herself with them TIM
She was tired OF them or until new whims
engaged her fancy.
1t was In the country that learned To
know her. Although distantly related, we
had never met. So fate brought me during a
summer vacation to my aunt who was living
In q small, picturesque village on the Pataps-
co.. Had been cognizant Of Pauline's pres j.
snce, should not have gone thther. / en-
tertained sort of aversion for the woman.
What heard Of her In the city was not cal
cillated to raise her very high In the estima-
tion Of staid, dignifed limb of the law like
myself.
My aunt received me warmly, but her
ment that Pauline had come week before
and would in all likelihood stay some time
longer, threw chill upon me. could moi
altogether conceal my displeasure. My aunt
observed 1t.
E'Come, come, George" she said, .sdo moi
condemn her before you know her; this you
will have ample opportunity to do in the
time you remain here"
Pauline was not in the cottage. After ex.
amining my, room, disposing OF my luggage,
and arranging my dress strolled into the
woods to seek my favorite haunts. Nearing
lovely, secluded spot, close by the bank OF
the stream was wont to frequent on former
visits 10 my aunt, was suddenly arrested
In my progress by the menacing growls of 1
dog. Peering through the bushes, saw
girl sitting upon mossy knoll, beneath
shady holly; Mt her feet lay large New.
foundland, who had raised his head ant
was showing his teeth in threatening man
ner.
The girl turned and beheld me, stIll hal
hidden by the shrubbery, staring In aston
lshment al her and the dog. She burst int,
amerry laugh.
Conscious that presented rather ludI
crous picture, advanced and said coldly:
"Are you Pauline -W
$50 am called"
"Tben, perhaps, may be so bold as to cal
you copnsin, for am George -.o
pectIng you. When did you arriyep
"Just now."
had already reached those years in whici
gray hairs begin TO appear here and ther,
with dark haired people. /, too, had ono,
dreamed fOndly Of love and friendship, bu
never known IN reality what II was 10 Low,
truly. or be truly loved by woman. As OF
ten as essayed TO give my visions an EN-
bodimcnt and name, was never able /,
find, among the many girls Of my acquaint
ance, one who fairly resembled my ideal
The woman whom my Imagination ha,
formed was q mild, madonna-like being
With form and features OF classical outline
refined pallor In her cheeks, sweet cora
lips, tender blue eyes, blonde hair, and yoic
like soft, low music. 'f..
Pauline was by no means the duplicate o
this image. But when she darted, singing
through the house, letting doors and win
dows remain open, j frequently laid dow
my book or pen, and gazed after her, AM
felt as II the bright sunlight had fallen int
my heart. In all her actions, unrestricteda a
:, srscs Ana charm that pleased, nay, en
khanisd n,sl