The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1881-06-04
FAMILY EXPERIENCE
IN rHE OPENING OF BOX OF sARDrSEs.


IN TIE OPENING or A BOX OF sARDINEs.
"Look here, my DEAR said Mr.. Spoopen.
dyke, tossing over the laces and ribbons in
his wifes bureau drawer, "what's become Of
the can opener7 don't see it anywhere"
"What do you want Of il ?" asked Mrs.
spoopendyke, fluttering up to protect her
trinkets, and trying to gain little time.
81 want to open some sardines with it,"
returned Mr.. spoopendyke, abandoning the
drawer and hunting through the work-bas-
ket. "Think want to comb my hair with
it7 Imagine wanted to write letter with
it9 Well, don't. l want some sardines
What have you done with it?"
"You might take your big knife" recon-
mended Mrs. spoopendyke. "The large
blade is just the thing for that"
Mr.. Spoopendyke seized the knife and
bored away at one corner of the box, while
his wife looked on with considerable dis.
tress
Hadn't you better put paper under the
box2 You'll get the oil all over the table
CLOTH" suggested Mrs. spoopendyke.
"No, won't either" said Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, as the knife plunged through and the
oil spattered. "serve you right il did,"
he continued, plowing away at the tin,
while the grease few in all direction. alt
would teach you to put the can.opener
u-h I'D IL
housekeeping do you call this, any how ?" he
yelled, as the blade slipped out and closed
up on his fingers.
"Did you hurt yourself, dear?" asked
Mrs. spoOpendyke anxiously.
"No, didn't hurt myself" grnned Mr..
Spoopendyke. "The knife struck the bone,
or would have been dead with agony an
hour ago. Give me some ether I" he howl
ed. "Fetch Inc some chloroform S'pose
Pm going to saw at this box any more
without an anesthetic2 Got an idea that
am going to chip off a couple dozen fingers
without something to deaden pain Where's
the laughing gas7 Give me some laughing
gas while extract these measley old fish,"
and Mr.. spoopendyke pranced around the
room, and then jabbed the kuic into the
box again, and ripped away as though he
was run by steam.
ono use to hide away from me !" he yell
ed, hacking away at the box with all his
might. al know you're in there, and there
can't be any sardine that ever was built get
away from me. Come out, l tell ycl" and
he seized fish by the tail and slung him
across the room. "You're transaoting bust
ness with spoopendyke now I" and he claw
ed out handful of mashed sardincs and
slapped them down on plate.
"Won't you spoil 'en, dear ?" asked Mrs
spoopendyke, lodging the flying heads and
tails. "They won't be very good if you
open 'em that way"
"oh, won't they 2" howled Mr.. spoopen-
dyke. "If You don't like 'em that way,
what'd you ask for them for2 Maybe you
want me to take 'em out in baby carriage.
P'rsps you've got an idea ought to climb
under 'em and lift 'em out. Maybe you
want me to get into that box with boat
and take 'em out with q seine. Well,
won't, I tell ye. Give me the tongs I want
that fish at the bottom. Where's the tongs?
Gone to get married to the can-opener,
haven't they ?" and Mr.. spoopendyke grab
bed another FISH and fred him into the
CRATE.
"Be patient, my dear" said Mrs. spoop.
endyke, soothingly. "Make the opening a
little wider and they'll come out"
"An't patient ?" shouted Mr.. spoopen-
dyke. "P'raps you want me to sing to EN-,
4 wish was an angel, and with the dod
CAST the fish Come out Of thatP" and with
a wrench Mr.. spoopendyke hauled off the
top and disclosed the mangled remains Of
his enemies. "Now give me lemon" and
he eyed the repast with anything but con-
tentment "Stir around and get mo To-
mon, quick, now"
"Upon my word, my dear, I don't believe
there's a lemon in the house." stammered
Mrs Spoopendyke; al had one"
"oh, you had onel" proclaimed Mr..
Spoopendyke, "only you're just out. II
you'd been brought up right you'd only
need an awning and family on the top
floor to be grocery shopl s'pose Fm 60
ing to eat these sardines raw? Think Pm
going to swallow these fish alive2 Gimme
something to put on 'em, will ye?"
"What would you like,my dear ?" queried
Mrs. spoopendyke.
"Ink, dod gast it Fetch me some meas
ley ink Got any nails? Can't ye find
some laudanum somewhere2" and Mr..
spoopendyke projected himself into the clos
ct and pianced out with bottle Of arnica,
"There," be howled, as he dashed the con-
tents over the sardines, "there's your FISH all
ready for you, and the next time you want
me to open the things, you have a lemon,
will yeP Find a can-opener won't ye?" and
Mr. spoopendyke topped into his easy chair
and picked up the paper.
Don't you want some Of the fish ?" asked
Mrs. spoopendyke, after long pause.
"No DON'T" growled Mr.. Spoopendyke
"But this is a fresh box" said Mrs. spoo-
pendyke, displaying the sardines in neat
layers.
How'd you get it open ?" demanded
Mr. spoopeudyke.
"With the csn-oPener," replied his wife,
al found 1t in your tool-box, where you put
it to sharpen it,"
"Maybe put the lemon in there to sharp
en- that too" grunted Mr.. spoopendyke,
pegging away at the box and locking up
with his mouth full, but recognizing the
taste of vinegar he made some remarks about
some people needing handle and cork to
be fortunatus jug, and having finished the
lot he demanded why his wife hadn't asked
for 'em if she wanted some, and went TO bed
with some incoherent observations on the
absurdity of folkes sitting around like mar
tyrs with FISH within reach.