The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-03-19
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


False profit-Diyidends on watered stock.
Ply time-when you see the sheriff coming.
A corn dodger--The man who discards tigh
ooots.
Some of the most tlmid girls are not fright
sned by a loud bang.-L0ueH citizen.
Won may be poor you may be unknown, you
may never reach distinction, but you can shut
The door.
.sThere's music in the heir" as Jones SAID
when he heard the incipient cry of his first born
Spring must be near at hand, for Strawberries
arc down to 81 quart. But remember, now 1t is
Lent, don't gorge yourself.
An Indian chief calls his muskct" Book Agent
cccause it is an old smooth bore.-Lot@H Chisen.
Jacob, is there much difference between sea
spd saw?' "Yes, the difference between sea
md SAW is in tense"
1.-TWO bits in the west means quarter OF a
dollsr."-St. Louis paper. In the east it means
death to the dog.-N York Graphic.
in discussion with a temperance lecturer, a
topper asked "It water rots your boots what
rIect must 1t have on the coats of your stomach
.'Where have you been for week back" ask.
al tenS DuDSnuuueT. JusJ otcH W utuS stoIc
Cor couple of porous pasters.'
a plumber who was about to die said: MY on
.y regret at dying is because where l am going
sster.pipes never freeze up WhtehaN Times.
The Boston Herald Of last Sunday contains an
editorial on "The Great Controversy" but moth
ing is said as to whether the editor or his wife
got up and built the fire.
An exchange speaks OF Chicago man who
"hss one foot in the grave" Presume its all they
could get in without charging the cemetery
-EosfOD PoSt.
wooden Indian ought properly to DO the sign
not OF tobacco shop, but of loan office. 1t
would indicate to the pawner that within he
could find the Pawnee.
There will be no peace in this distracted coun
Try until it is definitely decided by an actual state
dinner whether this is a shifting frozen rum
punch or q square, open, honest daylight extra
dry champagne administration.
Advertising, says the judicous Yonkers States
,psn, IS good deal like fishing, the more lines
you throw out the more you are apt to catch.
But be iudcious do not throw out bait that can.
NOT be swallowed.
Laughing the youthful Isabel
Had challenged me TO kiss her. Well,
BY 5tratagem soon obtain
What force would labor for in vain.
1 boosted. Don't be proud, said shc,'
Its nothing wonderful; for Gee
Your yalor's not 30 very killing;
You kissed me-true-but was willing"
Bushnell, ILL.,, paper mentions that a most
handsome marriageable young lady of that place
has b. the death of n relative, Just come in pos
session Of $4,000 cash, besides numerous" 9th.
.rtv Iyip Ia tod 20
vi the hotel keepers to start up q spriu. busi-
acsse
When upon inquiring after young lsdy's
health. we learn that she is "nicely," we know
aha. che was born in New England, and that she
would &c ''purty welr' out west and 'toera.
Bile in the south.
If David Davis and Malone work together as
independents, some people will be reminded of
ahe cOBplet:
The animals came in two by two,
The elephant and the kangaroo.
--Aoscps COnktng
'S,o.he me In Dreams" says Miss Fannie Dris.
coll in a recent poem; and the Elmira Free Press
annn spreading his fingers open before his eyes
20 site his bushes shouts: ooh, now, ace here,
aeae--taats too thin"
There was a school mistress in Salem,
Her troubles she'd often bewail 'em,
Because the big boys
In the school made a noise,
Mad she was too small for to whale EN-
-Cnpublishld Works IF John Kelly.
france forbids the importation OF American
pOsA the ground that some OF it Is poisoned
with trichinae Blaine responds by forbiddlng
shs importation OF French wines, because they
art poisoned with logwood absinthe, &c A
square case Of pot kettle.
Some newspapers are better than Others to be |
sure, but who ever took up the poorest journal
Without ending in 1t something new to him. and
which twas worth his while to know.-L0,ceNI
EOs-S'. Or old almanac, or other worn out old
stereotype stuff for that matter.
Adam Forepaugh, the great show proprietor,
offers premium of $40, 900 for the loveest lady
al America on the condition that she will give
ae; services for thirty days as the main partic-
paat in the grand daily pageant. 1t is stated
ahss IS beauty, not talent, is required good looks
aiOna will secure the prize, But what man, or
nea. viii dare decide the question?
Tls English correspondent who was captured
BY ts.e Beers and let 90, says he had an interview
WITH )oubcrt, the commander Of the Beers, who
ma, accompanied by an offensive Irish renegade,
who med To be his chief adviser" Now why
may no: this be Judge" Morrison, the Irish Re
publican Club Of Chicago. who so strangely dis.
appeared soon after the Indiana state election
h,: fAr
queer fellow is Deacon Richard Smith Fan.
g u.sa speeding the parting president with this
so. &c oiast.
81 am dying, Roger, dying,
And my days are nearly spent;
But I've saved pot Of money
Since they called me president.
Hy lay has been true goodness,
Cold water and the truth,
And the future generations
viii call me holy Ruth"