The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-04-30
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

NE worlds falr-the women.
a capital letter Of crcdit-C.
An uxmixed evil-Raw whisky.
Net An unmixed evil-Tom and Jerry.
T.iephone is fcminine-lt talks back.
Tie black crook-The pilfcring negro,
The original lancors-Ths old. time doctors.
TIE sealc OF good. breeding-B natural
A pocv relatioa--Tellng an anecdo,e badly.
Has great heeling properties--The mule
vats;9b Strauss.
Afsh would be real nice II 1t didn't drink.
Aarulc, the passengers become sea.sick whei
the seas swel. See?
People who are always wanting sometime
aev, should try neuralgia
A WISER FOR the tetotalers: How can the cot
son..-rovers get along without their GIN
No pious lady who has the slightest regard for
nap's soul will ask him to guess how old she To-
New Orleans Picayune; "The young man who
5skes everything quietly gets along best, il he is
20. in a savings bank
The goung lady in the novel who stripped
slightly down the stairs" to meet her lover, used
eosrt. plaster for her injuries.
New. and truly sincere, form Of invitation;
"Nr and Mrs. request the favor OF your
presents at the wedding Of their daughter"
Joues says that the clouds Of his early child
iood we're no bigger than womans hand, but
sguail always followed them.
To make bccisteak tender Philadelphia board,
5ag house mistress places 1t on the railroad track
20 be run over by the cars.
The Philadelphia Nrrs says man should al.
gays be polite to the minister who married him.
Any other treatment might be misconstrued.
Should Coukling make the battle too hot on
She President, we would advise Garfield to call
gut the troops Sprague and his ouble-barre
shot-gun!-Nacomb Eagle.
On sb order slate on tho door of a carpenter
<hop ia this city passing pedestrian discovered
Abe following: scum to IS store n Dorc 10
scs."-- Rochester Heroh.
"Rather d nice city," said Bret Harte to
'rIend in Scotland ~ they rode through Scotch
5own on the cars What place is this, anyhow"
The friend replied: This Is Glasgow, where YOU
saye been consul for the last two or three years"
-DHtyoH Ere Press.
aoi send Forepaugh photograph will believe to
heir diving day that they would have been Sc
:ectod had they made an application NtdH HHg.
;stsy.
Yon betl Especially when they como to see
Ike woman he did select
4 has been said that II IL impossible 10 find
yord to rhyme with virtue. 1t is, is 1t: How's
inisf
woman possessed of great virtue
Said, Chubby, put on a clean shirt, you
Dirty big villain,
Or else I'll be spillln'
Y0u out of the window and hurt you
--Ncp York Dispatch.
Tte Presiding Elder Who reported to his Con.
ference the other day as an Interesting statisti.
:alitcm tina. the smallest salary paid to preach.
or is bis district during the past year was $3.50,
'pryct 10 mention what became OF the preacher.
Wemen can keep secrets. A Worcester girl,
ID friends promising solemny not to tell, told
hist sho was going to have four new dresses cost
ing $50 each The friend reigiousy kept her
premise not TO tell, and the aforementioned
young lady doesn't speak to her now.
young lady hesitatng for Il word In dcscrb-
ang the character Of rejected sutton, said: "He
Do rot tyrant, not exactly domineering, but"
"Degmatic," suggested her friend. "No, he has
not dignity enough for that; think pupmatic
Sould convey my meaning admirably"
a London paper says: "Tho latest fashionable
;diocy IN England is what is known as the baby
stare 1t is affected by young ladies, and con
-sists In opening the eye as widely az possible
sithout raising the brows, and slightly turning
1hc CORNERS of the mouth upward The neces
snry position Of the mouth is obtained by many
.epetltcns Of the word mouse"
An editor In Bloomington, Illinois, has come
across az old scrap book which contains clip
Sing from paper printed in ls47, in which the
Eriter gives poctcal description of Illinois as
t then appeared to him. It's as follows
Great waste Of bottom land,
Fiat as Il pancake, rich as grease!
Where gnats are full as big as tOads,
Aud 'skoeters are IA big as geese
4 lonesome. windy, grassy place,
Where buifaloes and snakes prevail!
Tho Grst with dreadful looking face,
The last with dreadful sounding tall!
I'd rather live on caInels rump,
And be a Yankee double beggnr,
Than where they never see stump,
And shake TO death with tevern.ager!
In view Of the number of men and newspapers
that think they are perfectly competent to con
Iuct the nations affairs wisely and peacefully,
President Garfield might excusably quote the
words OF MIR Joshua Billings, who says: Thar
liz advice enuf now laying around loose to run
three just such worlds as this; what we are eur
Iering most for IL SUN good examples"
TELEPHONE INfELICITIEs.
Hello, exchange. please give me Jones,
Hello, hclI--o hello-o--o!
Oh! there you are, these telephones
Do bother people SO.
I'll call, my dear, hello, hello %,
say I'll call at nine;
i'In 50 in haste, sweet one--hello,
Hello-o--o-tO call you mine.
: waIt--hello-!mpatiently,