Daily Republican., 1881-09-29

mark to his wife: "Mv dear, the lnfin'
ito is always silent. IT'S the finite on
ly that speaks" She came from Cape
Cod, and was accordingly a dull woman
who didn't take hints, but she never
forgot the remark, and long afterward,
when some friends expressed a wish TO
visit the deaf and dumb asylum, she
turned to her husband and asked:
"What days, my love, is the asylum of
the infinite open for the reception OF
finite visitors?"
"I Have Bill" began man, as
he stood in the door of an office on
Larned street yesterday and looked
over the file; 81 have a little bill
which" "Leave it with me and I'll
collect it, if have to follow the debtor
a straight year, interrupted the law
yer. "Yes-here it is--bill for $40. 1t
is bill against YOU" against me!
All. that alters the case. You must
give me year to pay it in. Good day,
SIR
Little Charley is sitting i'll the parOr
when Julia's beau enters. Wishing to
make a friend Of the stripping he had
come to regard as his future brother
in-law, he talks to him about to ,s and
picture books and Indians, finally
asks him; "Have you seen the co,net"?"
"Ysu bet" answered Charlie, 'and
julie says it reminds her of you. "Of
me! Come now, Charlie, what else did
she say?" Nothing, but it reminds
her of you because it is chiefly gas,
What is that which has three feet,
but no legs, is all body, but no limbs,
has no toes on its feet, no head, moves
= great deal and never uses its feet for
that purpose, has one foot at each eld
ard the other in the centre OF its body"
| 1t never walks ont, but goes with one
foot where it's head might be, dragging
the other foot behind. These feet have
nails but no toes, no heels, and no bones
in the feet.-A yard measure.
An Extract from the letter of a recent
emigrant: "Pm working on de roads
here at Saratoga, but don't intend to do
it long. Shurc Mike Mulhooley, who
| left home three years ago come next
Aister, has a rich young lady to drive
| him around tho city wild n beautiful
span, and he sitting mp behind and his
|
tircly."
| AT Chautauqua, the other day, IT.
| tie girl was asked if she were a Metho-
dist. "Oh' mol" she replied. 81 am a
brethren, and my mother is a Bretlorn
too" They were of the United Breth-
ern. At Montreal one OF the Plymouth
Brethern was asked why they never
spoke of the Plymouth Sisters. "Oh!"
was his answer, "the Brethern emil brace
the Sisters"
How TO GET A LIFT -"Pray." said
| Mr. to d gentleman ne overlook on the
road, will you have the complaisance
to take my great coat in your carriage
to town?" "With pleasure, my dear
sir; but how will you get it again"
''Oh very easily" repied the modest
applicant; 81 shall remain in it,
After the the previous question had
been called, and the ayes and noes Or
dered, in the Texas Legislature, aman
rose and said; "My friends, l beg that
for a moment you will lend me yonr
ears. and" "Order cried The Speak
er; no one can lend his ears till the ayes
and noes have been taken.'
This advertisement recently ap-
pea ed in New York rnal-"My
wife Mary Ann is s:rayM or stolen. /
will break The head Of anybody who
returns her to me. As to giving cr"dit,
every merchant has right to do 80;
but as never paid my own debts, 1t Is
not probable that | shall pay hers.
All, my love, what a love Of love-
y new costume you have Oh ! ''Do you
think so love"' eyes, my love, aud
| am r"al glad" "Are you really
You a. 20 kind" "Yes, dearest, + wa.
beginning to feel sorry for You aft r
you had worn that old black silk three
years and turne. it twice"
Here is a positive fact that oc
| Cured in one of the public hools il
this city recently: A small boy was
| asked to name some part of his own bo-
dy. i'e thought motuent and then
replied: "Bowels-which are five in
uulnber-a, g, i, C, and sometimes "
and y"
a gentleman, having engaged a work
| man to iIake some repairs in his cell
lar, ordered the ale to be removed be
J fore he commenced his work. "Oh,
am not afraid Of barrel OF ale, sir p
said the man. II presume not" said
the gentleman, "but think the barrel
of ale would run at your approach"
A couple of lawyers engaged in a
case were recently discussing the issue
"At all events" said the heyounger and
more enthusiastic, we have justice on
our side" 10 which the older and and
warier replied. "Quite true, but what
we want is the chief justice on our
side"
81 wonder, Mademoselle," said p
customer at a pastry shop TO the Hebe
hehiul tho counter, "tLat the sight Of
80 many deicacies does not inspire you
with wish to taste them" "You for
got, Monsieur" replied the fair one,
chilingly, "that see them made"
An lrishmau wrote thus to the wife
Of n sick brother "Il'Jamie ism t dead
yet, remond him of the twtnty shillingS
he owes me on the pigs, and i he is lell
him not TO give himself any oonsurrun
about it.
If you want to employ whitewasher
C, ntract with him to wbitewash, the
floors, the furniture and everything but
the ceiling. Tnen he may get some
whitewash on the ceiling.
One of the first reIuisitions received
frcln newly appointed railroad sta
ton agent, il said TO have been, "Send
me some red oil for the danger Ian
terms.