Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-09-22
SHOTS BY THE wAYsIDE.

An exchange says: "Bernhardt fishes
with enthusiasm" Most folks do that,
Sarah; but do you spit on YOUR bait?
King Humbert has paid off all the
debts of his father, the late Victor
Emmanuel, and does not W q cent
himself. 1t is thought insanity runs in
the family.
Character: II you judge OF Browns
character by the umbrella he carries,
you will form a very poor opinion OF
smith, for it is Smiths umbrella.
Make a minute Of that duel, Mr..
Shearer," said the chief to the news
editor. Cant do it." replied the
81 baltern. "Why not?" cause there's
only two seconds in it."
"Oh, you r too self.consious," said
Foggt to a young man. 81 self conscious"
exclaimed Adolescence; 81 am con.
scious OF nothing" That's what L
said," replied Fogg.
Natural religion-Bishop (reproving
delinquent p~sge)-"Wretched boy!
Who is it that sees all W. do, and before
whom / am but a crushed worm?"
LdkC- 1nc uloouoy Ahy oAe
"Are you fond OF Wagner's works.
asked Mr.. Sharpe. "Fond Of them?"
exclaimed Miss Posigush, 81 think they
are Just splendid. So easy and COM
Portable, you know. Why, / rode in
one from Boston to Chicago, and l wasn't
a bit tired when | got there"
"Your husband struck you, didn't he
madam2" asked the magistrate. HE
did," replied the woman, who wal anx.
ious to shield him. HE did, but L
guess he didn't mean to do it. He
swfully absent minded, and when helm
AGNES himself a clock he is certain to
strike"
That was q very pretty compliment
which the nego played to a beautiful
Young lady whom he lifted across the
gutter. She said: 'Sam, ! am afraid L
am too heavy" ooh, no, miss was
the gallant reply. "You know Use lit
ed barrels OF sugar all ay life."
When Pere Hyacinthe wrote his cele.
brated letter to Pope Plus IN, against
the celibacy OF the priesthood. and all
nounced his own intention Of marrying,
some one asked Plus ii he should ex.
communicate rere Hyacinthe. NO."
said the Pope. "He will get his punish
ment as he goes"
In publishing the acts OF the Mississip.
pi Legislature recently, the laws got
slightly mixed with parts OF an anti
Baptist book that was being set up by
the same printer. The following was
the result: "Beitenacted by the Senate
and House OF Representatives OF the
State OF Mississippi, that bdp means to
put under the water, and hSo e to
take out"
This is the way a Vassar girl tells a
Joke: "Oh, girls! | heard just the best
thing, to-day. 1t was too funny. l
can't remember how it came about, but
one OF the girls said to Prof. Mitchell
oh, dear, l can't remember just what
she said; but Prof. Mitchelrs answer
was Just too funny for any use; l forgot
lust exactly what he said, but it was
Just too good for anything"
An indianapolis ruralist seated him
self in a restaurant the other day, and
began on the bill OF fare. After employ
ing three walters nearly half an hour in
bringing dishes to him, he heayed a sigh,
and whispered as he put his finger on
the bill OF fare: mister. Ive ct to thar.
and-moving his finger to the bottom OF
the bill-"ef it isn't agin the rule, I'd
like to skip from thar to thar"
Isn't it awful hot?" "No, my son, it
intensely warm. Awful hot is a
vulgar expression which hope you will
never use again" The young man VAS
a little cast down at first by this reply,
but coming of a plucky stock he recover
ed himself quickly and said: ANY
how, I've heard dad use it, after a priv
ate conversation with you, more times
than | can count"