The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-06-18
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Inc pest IOIt-SVtuioi.
A noisy towel-A crash.
A shell race-Mollusks.
A scrub race-Floor washers.
A bitter bevsrage-Sherfs ale.
A gross blunder-A bakers dozen.
Icall for the eyes-spec tacles. I call for the
nose-Handkerchief.
There's q smell Of smut at Washihgton.-
Courier Journal.
There's big stink Of rottenness at Albany.
so Mother, Grease the Garden Gate" ls the IT,
tie OF the latest sentimental song.-N T. CON-
ADJ.
Now the swimming season has come there is
re.nude activity in the ranks OF young America
Work on the Brooklyn bridge has been gus.
pended for want Of steel. The first Instance OF
lack Of steal in New York enterprise.
The Philadelphia Pre-" makes the appalling
statement that there are in that city 100 900 small
boys and only 1900 policemen.
We offer this paragraph as evidence that color
blindness is universal. While to everyone who
reads it 1t will appear black 1t is actually read.
Susan B. Anthony has been presented with
golden Greek cross 'as token OF gratitude Tor
her lifelong devotion to the interests OF
women"
A scentfc man has discovered that the often
siye odor Of the human foot is caused by the de-
yelopment Of an insect which he names "bac.
terium frtidum."
A sentimental woman in Mayville, Canada, has
put strong iron fence around the tree where
npon sweetheart OF youthful days once carved
her name.
"Thjs is the leafy month of june" murmured
the little moth, and then she dropped 500 eggs
on the back of the foliage, adding, sarcaStically,
81 should caterpillar"
Glass in history: Teacher-"Who was the hero
of Cowpens" An awful silence follows, which
is at last broken by the little snubnosed boy in
the back row, who cries in a piping voice, sit
ting Bull"
Anna Dicknson'b failure to play Claude Mel.
notte is explained. She couldn't find pair OF
pants she could pull over her head-Philddetphh
Chronicle.
"Egg Soclabes" are the latest New York craze.
They have been popular out Westfo years. All
that is needed is three dozen mature eggs and an
unpopular man.-Chicdgo Tribune.
There was an old maiden OF Rome
Who very much wanted home;
so she asked her friend Harry
If he would not marry;
He blushed, and said solemnly, Nom"
No man can 20 to heayen on another mans
goodness. Every ticket is marked mot Trans
ferrable," or in the language OF the colored
thinker, "No gentleman admitted unless he
comes hlsself."
When the Oil City Derrick man put on his last
wears white vest he found q roll OF bills in one
of the pockets amounting to about sl2O, which
he had forgotten. r. s. None Of them were re-
ceipted, Philadelphia Bulletin.
II poor merchant should marry an extrava-
giant girl would his bookkeeperY II she should
neglect TO sew on his buttons would her dress.
maker? And II she should refuse to put on her
own clothes would her hair-dresser?
A woman pianist who plays with only one
hand Is Just now the talk OF Paris. IL we re.
member rightly the Italian organist invariably
plays with only one hand. The italian has q
wonderful turn for music.-Boston Transcript.
A Washington girl has highly interesting hair.
It's color used to be light blonde. DIR. ID. W.
Prsntlss reports to the Smithsonian Institution
that he gave her jaborandl, a Brazilian plant. as
a cure for blood poisoning. Her hair soon began
to durken, and In four months was almost black.
N. B. Not necessary TO get up case OF blood
poisoning TO make 1t work as hair dye.
"Now I've fixed YOU" said jim Hogan to his
wife, at Monticello, Ohio. He had good reason
to think so, for he had shot hve bullets into her
hn1 ~ ho mia okop for ahe .viu
after he had killed himself with the remaining
charge in the revolver, and 10 now as we'll as
ever.
The cause OF sea sickness Ia attributed by q
Boston NJ. D. to a "disordered ntercraHial circu-
lation, followed by a secondary disturbance OF
the normal inhibitory function OF the vagus,
causing rapid, weaker and irregular action OF
the heart" Oh my
There Is an interesting fish In the Lake OF Con.
stance. II weighs from sixty TO eighty pounds,
catches and eats any birds that fly too close to
the water, and when taken from Its element II
makes noise like that OF young calf What II
would say to William A. Wheeler is a matter for
conjecture. -Courier.J.
Tommy Plat, Tommy Platt,
Where have you beenv
Il" Been to Albany
To try to get In"
And Tommy Plat, Tommy Patt,
Did you succeedg
I" Not by dams height,
No, indeed"
Washington Capital.
The Lacy boys OF Madison, Wis, went to me
nagere and became filled with the idea of start
ing beast show of their own, using such mate
rial as was within reach. They painted stripe:
~. A. 81
half OF big Newfoundland dog for lion, cut of
the fore legs OF a calf for a kangaroo, and were
about to make a taless cat by chopping wher
their father discovered them.
When called on for q speech at Memphis tn,
other day Gen. Grant remarked that the tralr
would not stop long enough to crafty the wish
es OF the people, since he was always in the habi
of rnakiuu surb lon chaa dr,i,