The Bolivar bulletin. [volume] (Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tenn.) 1865-1888, 1881-10-06
..Calamity's'' Wife.

Calamity is the name of a man
who lives at the gold camp of Cum
Minis City. He has another name,
bat nobody seems to know what it Is.
1t has been torn off the wrapper some
wav, and so the boys call him Calam-
itv. He is a man of singular mind
and eccentric construction. The most
noticeable features about Calamity Is
his suspicious dread of muscular ac-
tivity. Some people will not tackle any
kind of business enterprise on Friday.
Calamity is even more the victim of
this vague superstition, and has a
dread Of beginning work on any day
of the week, for fear that some disas-
ter may befall him. Last spring he
/ had a little domestic trouble, and his
wife made complaint that Calamity
/ had worn out an old lOng-handle
/ shovel Oh her, trying to convince her
about some absuuse theory of his.
/ The testimony seemed rather against
/ Calamity. and the miners told him
that as soon as they got over the rush
a little, and had the leisure, they
would have to hang him. They
hoped he would take advantage Of
the hurry Of business and 90 away,
| because they didn't want to hang
lamity didn't 90 away. He stayed
because it was easier to stay than 90.
He did not, of course, pine for the no
toriety of being the first man hung in
the young camp, but rather than pull
up stakes and move away from a
place where there were so many
pleasant associations, he concluded TO
stay, and meet death camly in what
ever form it might come. One even
ing, after the work of the day was
done, and the boys had eaten their
supper, one of them suggested that 1t
would be a good time to hang Calam-
ity. So they got things in shape, and
went down to the Big Laramie bridge.
Calamity was with them. They got
things ready for their exercises to be
gin, and then asked the victim if he
had anything to say. He lOOsened the
rope around his neck a little with one
hand, so that he could speak with
more freedom, and holding his panta-
looms on with the other, said: Gen
tlemen of the convention, 1 call you
to witness that this public demOnstra-
ton toward me is entirely unsought
for on my part. l have never cOurted
notoriety. Plugging along in COM
parative Obscurity, is good enough for
me. This is the first time l ever adj
dressed an audience. That is why ]
am embarrassed and i'll at ease. You
have brought me here to hang me be-
cause 1 seemed harsh and severe
with my wife. You have entered the
hallowed presence of my hOme-life
, and assumed the prerOgative of sub
verting my household discipline. L
, is well. 1 do not care to live so long
: as my authority is questioned. YoJ
: have already changed my submit >sivC
: wife to an arrogant and self-relianr
+ woman. Yesterday l told her to q
out and grease the wagon, and sht
Strengthened up to her full height anC
told me to grease 1t myself. l hav,
ALWAYS been kind and thoughtful Il
= her. When she had to 90 up into tin
! gulch in the winter after fireWOOd
my coat shielded her form the storm
: WhileIsat in my cabin through the Ion.
+ hours. l could name other instance
: of unselfishness on my part, but l viii
not take up your time. She used M
= smoking tobacco, and kicks my verle
! brB up into my hat on tho most un
IOoked-fOr occasions. She does no
e love me any more, and life to me i
Y only hollow mOckery. Death, witt
!. a wide waste of eternal calm and it
: shOreless sea of rest, is a glad relief f
a me. l go, but leave in your midst
O skittish and able-bOdied widow tina
4 will make Rome howl. l bequeatl
n her to this camp. She is yours, gen
: tlemen. She is all have to give, bu
4 in giving her to you 1 feel that IN,
g untimely death will always be loOket
@ upon in this gulch as dire calamity
q The day will come when you viii
: look back upon this awful night ant
: wish that was alive again, but i
viii be too late. 1 will be far away
II My soul will be in land where do
+. mestic infelicity and cold feet neve
n enter. Bury me at the foot of Vinega
+ Hill, where the sage-hen and the fuz
: zy bumble-bee may gambol DER IN,
= Iowly grave"
!, When Calamity had finished, al
4 inIprOmptu caucus was called. Whel
Q it was adjourned, Calamity wen
!, home to his cabin to surprise his wife
/. She has not yet fully recovered from
n her surprise.-BII Nyle en- Ldrdmi
BoOHIeFuRq.