Connecticut western news., 1881-10-12
WIT AND WISDOM.

Not having any.
 A PREACHERS face is kept sober by the force of gravity. ...... D
 THE saddle-horse knows enough of arithmetic to carry one.
 THE theatre manager who was wrecked had light houses to warm him.
 A SENSATIONAL report is called canard because one canardly (can hardly be. i-ve it.
 NOR woman: No man can climb the ladder of fame feet first, says the White hall Tunes.
 GA PRUDENT man," says witty Frenchman, "is like pin. His head prevents him from going too far" 4.., WHEN a member of Congress wanted his picture in heroic attitude, the artist painted hum in the act of refusing a drink.
 THERE are some men in this naughty world who would be worth million if hundred per cent. were taken of for cash.
 
 Here lies man who beat the printer,
 Oh, how his soul doth long for nter.
 Whitehall Times. IT is not such an aU fal thing to make allure in business, but it shows lack of force when man stays failed, says Hiram Green. ..'.t ..e.rr- A GREAT many peoples lives are like the blunderbuss that had 8 rusted load in it. At the discharge the owner is himt elf kicked over.
 "PAPA," said little boy, "why do they plant guns? Do they grow and have leaves ?' "No, my son; but, like plants, they shoot" s.
 AN Indian idol was recently found in Kansas. It was made of earthen- ware, was brown in color, has handle and will hold two quarts. h
 A MAN. charged by an examining law yer with prevaricating, asked how he could help prevaricating when he had lost three of bis front teeth. s
 You can't make good out of evil any tAOAC VI @A JO4 V0h 5AlAA bh0 cACuAAA O4 the top of & pan of milk and then turn it over and skim it off the bottom. c,ii
 IT is a pitiful thing to hear young lady say something tastes like moustache cosmetic, and then change color and try to look unconcerned and indifferent,
 Ar Liverpool, publican, summoned for having sundry false measures in bis possession, declared he only used them for those who got drunk on credit.
 AFTER being in New York for a few, days it is good for man to get bsck in- to New England, where a majority of the population can speak English, says Lowell paper. Ha' s'' WHEN you say to man, "Now, you know, you know" you generally mean that he don't know, and that you know that he does not know, and that he knows that he don't know. .r..e# ...
 AN American cheese carried off the silver medal prize at the late great cat- tie and dairy show at Birmingham, Eug- land. The American oh csc is not mitey, and yet it will prevail.
 MILLINERY note:-As usual some bold and daring newspaper man rise to re- mark that "The prettiest thing in au- tumn bonnets are the faces" Give us the fices and anybody can have the bonnets-who wants to pay for them.
 "MARY," he asked, "why am like butter ?" He expected her to say that it was because he was the genuine arti. cle, but was completely crushed. when she promptly replied "Why, I guess it's because the hotter it gets the softer you act" .,....-
 A FEW days ago Jim Webster was driving buggy rapidly down Austin avenue, when he knocked down and ran over old Uncle Nose, but, as if by miracle, the old man was not injured in the least. "Look heab, Jim, you had better be more keerful." "I'se gwine ter be, Uncle Nose, jest so soon as has buggy cb my own ter drive. Dis heah turnout don't belong ter me-" - 3
 LfFECE5 Ol ITOSb A S6uLl0ubu ""sy one winters day, looking in at the win- dows of print shop, when he felt some one at his pocket. As there was only one bystander, he instsotly turned round, and, looking him full in the foe, said: "Your hand, sir, was in my pock- ct r "Was it, sir ?" the other very calmly replied, 1T really beg your par don, if it was; but the weather is so very cold, one is glad to put ones hands any wherel' -.- IN old times lived Mary Starbuok, in Nantucket. She was blessed with an excellent but bashful husband, who could not bring himself to speak in town meeting but the good wife had the gift possessed by Aaron, though denied to Moses, and she was allowed to speak in the town meeting m the name of her husband. She always prefaced her re- marks by these gracious and winning words "Mr. Moderator and fellow townsmen = My husband thinks" so and so.
 DEACON Gabe Snodgrass, of the Blue Light Colored Tabernacle, had his wool and beard dyed. It had been as white as the driven snow, and it was dyed as black as @ ravens wing. Uncle Nose met Gabe, and it was not until the lat ter had smelt Gabe's breath that he was convinced of his identity. While they were talking, up came Jim Webster, who also failed to recognize his old friend Gabe. "Dis heah am Gabe said Uncle Nose. "How's Yer fodder? I didn't know he had a