Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-03-11
F. U n
The Forty Liars.

The Forty Liars.
BROTHER HALCOMB TAKES THE CAKE.
At regular roundup of the Rucky
Mountain Division of the Independent
Order of Forty Liars. on Saturday even
ing, the Most Noble Prevaricator having
directed the Chest Tester to examine all
present to see that they were in possession
of the annual password, explanations and
signal, and to report to the Most Noble
Promoter of Twenty -seven karat False
hoods, whether all were so qualified to re-
main, and the report having been salts
factory, the Most Noble Prevaricator al
nounced that after the report of the Gus
todian of Campaign Lies for the past Y, ar,
and the annual statements of the Division
Bartender and Most Noble Beer Yanker
had been handed in and passed upon, the
next business to come before the Division
would be the nominations and the election
OF Most Noble Prevaricator to serve dur
ing the year 1881.
"Under the rules of our Order, said the
NJ. N. P, ''ten minutes will be given to
each aspirant for the Office named in which
to address the meeting. 1t is understood
that the time shall be devoted to short an
ecdotes, personal "reminiscences, &C., and
the brethren will be given ample scope to
enlarge upon any details which The subject
may suggest. Our usual custom is to de-
vote at least one hour to this highly en-
tertaining exercise, and 1 call to mind
now some of the most enjoyable moments
of life spent in listening to others or in
constructing for the amusement of others
few of the most entertaining and in
structive falsehoods that the history Of our
most noble Order has known"
After singing the opening ode, accompa-
MED by the Tyre, the usual order of bust
ness having been attended to, the address,
es of aspirants for the Office Of M. N. P.
Of the Rocky Mountain Division were
called for.
The last speaker was Brother Jedediah
Holcomb, who thus addressed the assem-
blage:
Most Noble Prevaricator of the Rocky
Mountain Division of Forty Liars aid
Brethren Of the order: Many years ago.
when was mere STRIPPING, as it were:
and just upon the verge of manhood, so to
speak, was sitting on the green grass
south Of Chicago. near where Drexel Bou-
levard comes into South Park, thinking Of
my hard luck and wishing that my future
lob I,o hon or
That locality was then bowling will,
Ierness compared with what it is now, and
where to-day the beautiful drives aud
walks are so inviting there was nothing
then but prairie and swamp, with here
and there a shrub oak tree.
Chicago was stirring Western city
then, but she was young and small. Sh.
had not then accumulated the fabulous
wealth of new and peculiar metropolitan,
orders which she now enjoys, ard II place
of the rich fructifying fragrance of tht
stock-yards there was nothing there but
the wild honeysuckle and the dead horse
But where some of the most beautiful
residences now stand, there was nothing
but the dark thistle nodding in the wind.
or the timld picnic bumble-bee hanging
GA the autumn bough and yearning to be
gathered by the small boy.
AS sat there in there in the long ago
and, shrouded in the September haze, was
dreaming of fortunate future for N.Y.
self, heard the muffled tread of innumer-
able feet drawing nearer and nearer to me-
The sound was like the football of regi-
nlsat of 5infantry approaching, and rose
to see what was the cause.
had not long to wait, for very soon
there hove in sight very singular specta-
Gle. First came very large Illinois hog
at the head of a long column of Illinois
hogs, all marching IN Indian fashion, and
granting with that gentle, plac d grunt
which the hog carries with him. On clos
or exa animation into the singular phenom.
ena, saw that all the hogs, except the
aeader, were blind, each animal having his
predecessors tail in his mouth throughout
the long line, consisting of 1881 unfortu-
nate, sightless hogs, cheertully following
their leader to water.
Twas neversso struck with the wonder
full instinct of the brute creation in all my
life, and my eyes filed with tears when l
saw the childlike faith and confidence of
each blind animal following with implicit
trust the more fortunate guide.
Soon, however, great, dazzling, three
cornered idea worked its way into my In
Select. Dashing away my idle tears,
dew my revolver and shot off the leaders,
aail. leaving the long line of Disconnected |
and aimless hogs in the middle of broad |
prairie. with no guide but the diphologis- |
ticated tail of a hog who was then three |
quarters of a, mile away.
Then 1 stole up, and taking the CORY |
tail in my handr ] led the trusting phalanx !
down to the stock-yards and sold the out
At at eight cents, live weight.
This was the start of my dazzling career
as q capitalist, a'eareer to which / now
point with pridee aThus from poor boy
with one suspender and sore toe I have
risen to be one of our leading business
men. known aud respected by all, and b,
industry and economy and borrowing m,
chewing tobaced, have come to BIZ one of
our solid men,"
When Brother H0lcomb ceased to speak
there was painful silence Of perhaps five
minutes. and then Brotl er WOodtick Will
dams moved thatJtt rules be suspended
and Holcomb decl red tie unanimous
cb ice of the Order for M s. Noble Preva-
rio ator, to serve till 1882.