Omaha daily bee., 1881-06-11

his claim, he took an AK and sent her to
heaven TO make inquiries.
The revised New Testament is already
doing good work. a Philadelphia woman
knocked her drunken husband down q
fight OF stairs with copy Of it. For sale
by all booksellers.
Always 90 to church. 1t is a splendid
place Co show your bonnet. In order that
nobody shall miss seeing it, make yourself
as conspicuous as possible.
just as soon as it is demonstrated that
the revised New Testament will press
autumn leaves as the old edition, its popu-
larity will increase. Philadelphia Chron-
icle.
Taking mp collections at churches is
mighty dangerous business. In Brooklyn,
last Sunday, while engaged in counting She
receipts of the collections, William Me-
Galley fell dead. Let this he a terrible
warning.
A preacher was lately addressing his
congregation on the evilsof laziness. my
friends, said he, there are no lazy angels
lying around the corners of the golden
streets, whiting the store.boxes Of the
New Jerusalem.
The )ld version is good enough for
me," remarked Mrs. Brown, sententiously.
They had been speaking of the New Testa-
ment. Yes" replied her visitor. casting
her eyes at the well.preserved copy at her
elbow; ''it makes just as good table or
nament."
A clergyman was travelling through the
Humboldt mountains with an old miner.
Said the miner, "Do you really believe that
God made the world in six davsy" "Of
course | do" "Well, don't YOU think. " re-
turned the miner, that lie might have put
in one more day to advantage right around
here?'
A clergyman was once forced TO say to
congregation that persisted in deposting
buttons in the contribution box: Brethren
who wish to contribute buttons" said the
tnancier, will please not hammer down
the eyes, Tor while that process does not in-
crease their value as coin it does impair
their usefulness as buttons"
The peoplesof New Hampshire town
are so fearfully lazy that, when the wife of
minister who had just settled in that
town asked II prominent citizen if the in
habitants generally respected the Sabbath
and refrained from business, he replied:
"Confound it, ma'am, they don't do
enough work in whole week to break the
Sabbath, if it was all done on that day"
81 take for text" said st. Louis COLI
ored pastor, ''the words: 1t is more bless
ed to give than toreceive.' There are many
who come to church who would do well to
remember these words, They are of that
kind who comes here and eat and drink
of the good things, but who are never here
at the time the box is passed around" A
tall brother stood up and said YOU'RE %
liar, sir-a lara -liar-liar" There
was great commotion, ending in the
election of the disturber.
500 you believe" Mr. Uglimug asked
his pastor, 'do you tell me that you be-
heve men are descended from monkeys?"
And the pastor looked long at Brother Ug-
And then Brother Uglimug gazed long and
earnestly at the pastor, and they both
gazed long and earnestly at each otheri
and by and by without going into a caucus
they both resigned.
The following is striking paragraph
from Virginia City daily: "rhe Rev. G..
K. Davis, of Carson; was in town yester.
day sampling the religious cropping of the
Comstock He finds them so largely COM
posed of rebellious material that nothing
can be got out of them by any free milling
process with which he is acquainted, and
he is of the opinion that all must inevta-
bly, be sent to the boss smelter of the big
fire furnace, down below, that we all know
Of"
A clergyman lost his hat one evenin
last week and was obliged to go home with
a shabbier one. which was left in the place
of it. Next day the hat was returned by
the penitent appropriation, who said: I'll
never take minister's hat again. You
can't think what queer things I've had
running through my head ever since put
that hat on"