The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-08-05
ALLEGED BITS OF WIT.

hOhSC ah CiSPbaht poe We n"u % ny
The temperature i'm the detroit Free Press |
Office " was lis degrees above Charles Fran |
els Adams, Saturday ."--LopeH Courier.
American horses will never make as much
money abroad as American donkies have
spent there.--Boston Commercial Bulletin.
1t takes 500 full-blown roses to make
tablespoonful of perfume, while ten cents
worth of cooked onions will scent whole
neighborhood.
We sre not thoroughly posted on human
anatomy, but it strikes us that some people
must have the tibule In their tongues
SteubenriHe Herald.
Mark Twain says "There is something
fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesale returns of conjecture out of
trifiing investment of fact"
When you read the seductive legend in
the tobacconist's widow, "Our five-cent
cigars can't be beat" remember if they can't
be beet, they may be cabbage. .-Erchdnge.
Because the dentist yanks, is he necessari-
ly a Yankee No; the dentist is the
yanker; it's the miserable wretch in the
chair who is the YanB-ee.-Courier-J Jour
nal.
Had drank" is not good English gram
mar, saws high authority. 1t certainly Is
not. Was drunk" is better grammar and
more in accordance with the facts nine times
out of ten.-Netc Haren Register.
There was bad Indiana Sioux
| who never would say what he'd dioux;
But one night on the hill
He caught Tom and Bill
! And sliced off the scalp of the tioux.
"What is the reason Colonel McSpilikins
does not live with his wife any more ?"
asked Gilhooly of an Austin lawyer. "There
are sundry and divorce reasons" responded
the lawyer solemnly.-Teras Siftings.
The dust on the road is becoming dread
| full. especially to the man who thinks he
owns trotter, and finds he is just fast
enough to be busted by everything except a
funeral procession.-Eransuille Argus.
Referring to Griscom, the faster, promi-
nent New York physician says that all per-
sons who do not take their meals regularly
are more or less insane. That is another
slur on newspaper men.-Terds Sittings.
"Won't you please play us something,
Miss Hammerandbang asked Fogg. 81
should like to ever SO much" she said, look
inc at her watch, "but really l have no
time" $50 | have heard" replied Fogg ;
.but we will overlook that, you know"
Lorillard's horses are no plugs. They are
fine-cut and quite solace TO him.-Lo,oeH
| Courier. Aud can outstrip any horses of the
| ceutury.-Eierdtcd Railroad Journal. No
more comments are necessary that's snuff.
/ Yaucob Strauss. Eschew such stale puns.
This notice is found posted up in Virgin
la blacksmith shop "Notis--De copartner-
ship heretofore resisting betwixt Inc and
Nose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem
what owe de firm will settle wild me, and
dem what de firm owe will settle wild
Nose" .....
A gardener in Naples has succeeded in
producing a camelia with delicate aroma.
1t cost him years of labor to bring about this
result. The flower is of a pale rose color,
and the producer Is endeavoring to obtain
fragrant white blooms, but has hitherto
failed.
"At Bordeaux said one, If you let a
match fall to the ground, the next year there
will grow up forest" "At Marseilles,'
cried the other triumphantly, "you let a sus-
pender button fall, and in eight days you
will have pair of pantaloons ready made. y
French Fun.
At the summer resort-First week, ladies
is given to showing your dresses second
week, to telling where you went last year
third week, tn talking about the Browns, who
have gone home fourth week, to complaints
of the house. After the fourth week, life al
a summer resort is insufierably dull.
Courtship scene-George-b Angelina
idol of my being, star of my souls existence
oh! all! =. =. ? ! Angelina--Oh
dearest ! II! All! :. oh ~
~ I How nice ~ Just one more
/! u. !~~~> (Old man enters suddenly,
- ~ I. I W - u! !.
l(Oh pa, don't!) But he did. ~ a
Sweet Simplicity The thermometer was
above ninety, when he came in and taking
her hand tenderly said +: ~ love you ever
more dearly than told You did last night
You were silent then have you anything tt
say to me now?n "Ok, yes" she responded
with gIlish impulsiveness, 4" let's go sit. b!
the refrigerator !"--Brookiyn Eagle.
"Who is the pretty girl with blonde hal
and deep-blue eyes, there IN the jaunty hat?'
asked Alfred at the lawn party. "Who,
:. replied Annie, "tbat taffy haired girl witl
the tallow eyes, andthat nightmare Of blu,
, rags on her head? / never saw her before
B nobody we want TO know" That, brethren
| Is the way different, people lock at prett,
girl in pretty hat.-Bairlingfo Hasckeye
/, Designs upon . distinguished man:
party Of Boston fashiohables were greatl
shocked by the remark of a young lady. VIII
: dwelt on Beacon Hill. Tile evening was ey
d cassively warm, and irritated by her suffer
:, inps, she threw herself back in her ciaii, ex
!, claimed. "Oh, ma, it's so horribly |"a to
U night I'd like to have Charley Francis Ad
j ans for sweetheart l"-LoIsuiile Courie,
e Journal.
"Why don't you bny power press ?" In
ouired several enthusiastic Democrats, a
: we were taking our locked-up pages of typ
v on a wheelbarrow to steam printing pres
= owned by rich firm. Why don't we bu
n the Bardman House, Woodbury. block, an
!. the Public Square Why don't we raIs
. HI on 81 50p 1t is easy to do all thes
things provided You have the collateral, br
!. a, This writing we confess We have not none
enough 10 buy a cheese press. Printin
!, Democratic papers In Iowa is like peddlin
peanuts i'm a gravey ard d.--MarshdtHotcn Ia
Stdfenndn.
e vennor pleases one man: Mr.. Venno
4, the meteorologist, was strolling through u
/ streets of Montreal recently, when he Ell
countered stranger, who asked :" BE yo
y the man who SHES weather prophecies at ii
! people P. al believe | am the person 20
v, refer tor he modestly answered. "Whei
~ do YOU expect to 90 to when You die 2" g
hope to 90 to heaven Glad to hear yo
y saw So" remarked the stranger. "There's
chap who amt no friend of mine and who
If going to hell. sure but IL you was goin
TOO. [ couldn't depend on the femperatn
- long enough to scorch him. m."--Brookf.
= Eagle.
c The following unsolicited testimonial
s saws the Boston Transcript, have been !
n ceived by DIR. Nostrum, proprietor Of u
Ie Universal Cureall:
a. 1t goes right to the spot.--V Vigndtr, b'
:. iiardisf.
Il. 1t has done the business for me.--A roi
to from the spirit land.
- gave il To my wife's mother, with sati
factory results.-C Charles Younghusbdnd.
re Your Cureall Is q wonderfully pote
as medicine. I shall ever hold you I'm u
K highest esteem.--John Smith, undertaken.
i, Ihave much TO thank you for.-J. Bror
,ridorer. -
IL Poor deer Charles became quite calm an
to taking six bottles.-Cira Jones, Uidosr.
e. Abraham Lincoln wrote In 1887 to Mary .
III, ems, who had declined his offer of marrias
pu a letter lately printed for the first tim
IL "a What wish, he says, . isthat our furtl
ttC Iii m yaifrSaif-