The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-04-05
"To Colonel
Sc, 1873

lho nfst impulse was to smile, but
that stage Of emotion soon ended.
There was nothing in it to smile at; on
tho contrary, it suggested mountainous
breakers ahead on our linguistic hori-
zon. We feel indeed that We are
drifting, blindly and rapidly, upon a
terrible certainty; and this is the way
we reason it out:
"To Colonel: Dear Colonel"
Can ii be that a majority Of this gem
fleman's correspondents are coloncls !?
Can II he that ono Of his LARGE ac-
QluIltHilce Knows more coionclS than
civilians? Cam it be that t!ln rrcp0u-
derauCc of colonrls among his people
is SO decided tlat li2 ;nu.i bow to the
titles Of the minority? TO each Of
these questions, reason and conscience
force an affirmative reply. We have
thus arrived at one fact-that the ma
jority of males in South Carolina arc
coloncls. This cannot be gainsaid. Is
1t then reasonable TO hopc TINT when a
majority Of the people possess IL com
mon title, that title will continue to
satisfy them? Certainly not! Then of
course they W i'll seek higher military
rank. What is now that rank? That
Of General, Of coursel Let us take
retrospect.
1t then shows that ambition is pro-
gressivc. A century ago "captain"
was high honor; then the multitude
become majors, and now aggregate
humanity smiles sercmcly from the
towering perch Of colonclcy. "Gcn-
cral' is the next Rcdan to be stormcd,
and already q surging mass pours over
and into the embrasurc. The quill
driver is overwhelmed with the ncccs-
sity Of still Il new title, that shall be the
acme, the Babel, as it were, Of hcaped
up honors. So that, after running over
tho whole field Of two continents, he
gives up in despair, confesscs himseli
unable to grapple with the problem,
md closes with the following adyer-
VVANTED. by a LOVER OF his COUNTRY
TO coin an easy American word Indicative OF q
higher Military Rank than any we now possess
lns and must ne aapte to all cssses Of our tT
population. Address Immediately The Netcs
and Courier, Charleston, sc.
The question presented by tho News
and Courier is, rs itself admits, no
joke. A special dispensation has been
granted to titles to "increasc and null
tlply and rcplenish tho EARTH" and
they are fulfilling their mission with a
skill and rapidity rivaling the best
efforts Of the Colorado beetle or the
Kansas grasshopper. Ocean" Bu-
Ghanan confesses that his various
Philadelphia Medical Colleges have
turned out twenty thousand "doctors"
IN America and forty thousand in
England at the nominal charge of i've
dollars per doctor. And the outrage
mill grinds even more surely and
swiftly in the manufacture Of coloncls.
This military mania has infected all
classes and effected revolutions in most
important branches of industry. Every
grain Of wheat, from the beginning of
tho world, has had its "colonel;" but,
until recently, wheat was carcessly
thrown into hopper and ground IN
discriminatory. BY the new process
of rolling, the identity Of tho colonel
is preserved all tho way through, and
while all the baser parts-nour, shorts,
middlings and the like--are sitted out,
the coloncls are carefully carried along
through the last roller, mixed with tho
bran, and sold at fifty cents O bushcl---
trifc cheaper than the average price
Of the Philadelphia doctor. When
starchy, "bran" new colonies can be
supplied in any quality at fifty cents
bushel. where can tho limit be fixed?
Poor Emory Upton committed suicide
not because his tactics do not admit
Of companies Of two hundred men, but
t.cy fNl utterly in the contingency
ntt0npin!Cs composed oitwo hundred
colua T..
1t i% unnecessary 10 observe that
governors 'An scarcely hope to COM
pee %"ccc s!mliy with Touring mills;
or to suggest that the spectacle Of
"Dcan'' Buchanan in the Pennsylvania
pcni,cntiarv should serve ut once as q
warning Anl" AZ example. Their excuse
may be that doctors kill and colonels
don't; and since colonels are not nox-
ious, no serious harm results from
their multiplication. This defence may
be made effective ina criminal prosecu-
ton. If it can be sustained.
"Wife," once exclaimed a man re-
turning from militia muster,
"Thcy'vc made me corporal" ""Dad,"
exclaimed the eldest Of a set Of tow
head scions, "Did they make us cor
porals toof" "What question:" ex-
claimed the mother, scornfully, ono
body's corporal but your daddy and
me-"
This simple anecdotc is suggestive.
II shows how economy eau DC practiscN
IN the paper and sealing.wax consumed
in commissions. Why waste sepa-
rate commission on every colonel?
Let them dc issucd to Orchard Poe
0"a )am|'y,' &c as y include lie !;t:lo
Foca ac well as tho MldMn, or else 10
.ae y.