The Osceola times., 1881-04-02


This is my own, my native land
--Wdsaia1fOB Editor.
TuE thermometer is one of the few
things that can fall without hurting
itself.
Mn. MAuFr, Of New Haven, who could
hold up 600 pounds with his middle
finger, is dead.
Why is a Joke that is acidulous not
good? Because the cream of a joke
should never be sour.
THE Russian ukase is not regarded in
Germany. They do not consider such a
kase as at all the cheese.
TuE Oldest letter-carrier lives in Wash
ington. He never could understand the
pretty stories about faithful dogs.
IL WENT to see the steeple.chase,"
said Tom. "Did you?" responded John
ny. swell, what did steeple chase?'
A man named Tassel drowned him
self at Pittsburg the other day. Too
much corn in the Tassel was what alled
him.
BERSHARpr's 100 performances in this
country. gross receipts S326,0O2; her
share, besides having her expenses paid,
Sl26,400.
II NEVER heard of vessel yet" said
ship-rigger, that l couldn't fit with Il
sail, ''IIow would you like to try 1t on
a blood-vessel?" asked one of his COM
lanions.
TuE play of 'I'he Forty Thieves" was
advertised in Philadelphia. But it didn't
draw. The people wouldn't buy tickets
to IL. They could go and see their ofli-
GERS for nothing.
JAMES MELVILLE, the bareback circus
rider, has twice broken one Of his arms,
an ankle, sprained his legs, and arms
many times, and has more dents on his
head than skillet has holes.
WHEN the signal corps has reported
'Warmer followed by colder weather"
and "cslder followed by warmer
weather." what more can be asked OF IT,
and what more could man do?
TIE Philadelphia Times tells how
Uncle Robbie Ray, of Knoxville, Tenn,
though l06 years old, recognizes his old
acquaintances very readily. And why
not the young acquaintance, as well?
Az old man in San Francisco com
mitted suicide because two confidence
swindles had robbed him Of $1,000, by
which act he saved them from punish
ment, as he was the only witness against
them.
ABSENCE of mind: A physician in Bos-
ton some time since gave one OF his pa
tients piece of brown paper, and threw
the medicine into the fire. He did not
discover his mistake until the sick man
began to recover from his illness.
on, would were 4 lunatic
I'd soon be one as not;
Then IL did't like a man,
I'D kill him On the spot.
Then at the trial | would prove,
As criminals now do,
That all my kin were lunatics
And was crazy too.
BALL this evening, DEAR" inquired
Desdemona of Othello. when she saw
him loading up his old navy revolver.
"No, not this evening, love; smother
evening" he replied, as he reached for
the pillow and wedged it softly down her
;csophagus,
A BUFFALO paper says that the Niagara
water used In that city contains hydro
gen, oxygen and calcium, and remarks
that while hydrogen and oxygen may be
good for the lungs it can not see what
the calcium is good for. Isn't it good for
the lights?
Ak Arab retort: "Why do you not
thank God" said Manser to an Arab.
that since | have been your ruler you
have never been afflicted with the
plague?" God is too just to send two
scourges upon us at once" was the reply,
but il cost the bold speaker his life.
Miss GRACE CouRrLANp, the lady whose
la,t ,,,t ha Nan \nrG ctAsl vi %
have earned for her the name of the
witch of Wall Street." visited the Chi
cago Chamber Of Commerce, and was
refused admission TO the floor or permis-
sion TO address the busy spectators.
She was much incensed.
A GIRL, on hearing of the death OF a
young friend, leaned her head upon her
lovers bosom, and said: .Oh, John, the last
thing ] should want to do would be to
die" "Well, my darling" said John, Il
solemnly promise you that il shall be
the very last thing you'll do and she
was comforted.
SOME Of the residents of Washington
have been discussing the true meaning
of social and political economy, and it is
said they have come TO the following
conclusions: social economy is the art
Of living stylishly off of other people.
Political economy is the art of always
keeping on the right side of the party in
power"
THERE was gallus fiat.boat man.
Who sailed the Ohio,
As only gallus buatmRn can
Onless the water s low.
maiden stood upon the shore.
An waved her love at he
Then he Jess drapped his steerin oar
An waved his love at she.
sech loyin hearts as these could not
Be kept apart day
SO in with him she cast her lot,
An with him sailed away.
-Csaeiana,i Saturday Niga
Personal attraction may for time
fascinate and dazzle the eve, but beauty
alone can never captivate. The lily
droops, the rose withers, and beauty
sooner or later must decay. Bu,
the charms of the mind are inn
perishable; they bloom in youth, and
continue TO flourish as long as life re-
mains. These and these alone are the
charms that must forever captivate
-MRs, X. NJ. YATES.
THE restaurants have had such rur
of custom that some of the walters are
little iaattentiye. A stranger called fol
n plate Of oysters, and after smelling
them he said: waiter, are these oysters
fresh?" ave are not running an intel
ligence Office" 81 would like to know
il they are fresh" "Well, then, ca
them, then you will know for yourself
You don't expect me to eat them 70
you, do you? Do / look like | was her,
TO try old oysters on?"