The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-04-02
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


,Captiye sting creatures-Caunibals.
Secretary Bob Lincoln Is called the baby ele
phan, Of the Cabinet.
When q pretty Irish girl Is stolen they nov
suspect some Boy-cotter.
rhe editor OF the Oil City Derrick claims t.
have country seat. II is stump.
Some writers of the present day seem to De
masters of the English slanguage.
Mark Twain admits having made sl25,OOo ou
Of his lectures, but makes no promise of restitu
don.
The Chicago Times thinks Garfield will send
Nshone two bouquets when ne votes to conhrnl
Stanley Matthews.
u Is only a schoolboy who can enjoy bad
health; aud even he must have 1t bad enough 10
keep him out OF school.
Lacon has three candidates for Forepaugh's
$4,000 beautiful woman prize, one OF them a
married lady, As education and accomplish
MEETS are 10 cut no figure, our Ottawa beauties
are willing to let the poor village beauties have
chance,
"A babe" SAYS writer, 's a mothers an-
Choir" You are just shouting. She hhds she 10
Bstroa Free Press.
4 lsdy called at a drug store the other day and
said: 81 want tooth brush-a real nice one.
sapt Il for spare bedroom"
There are two things wanting to make the
Rev York Worlds Fair success One is
change OF site, and the other is sight OF
sSrhauge"4-4 as..ts,.-
At Pittsburgh the colorod dead are buried thlr-
.esu to nineteen inches below the surface. This
make things convenient for Gabriel, but there
are others who complain.
Here rs a severe prayer test. Mr.. Miller, the
aew Senator from California, rose In one OF the
Moody meetings In San Francisco and asked
prayers for himself in his epdeavor to lead a
Christian life in Washington.
An exchange says the national debt in silver
dollars could be removed by loading II on rail
road trsiu Of 5, $50 cars, carrying ten tons each.
II that's so, then whv in thunder isn't 1t done?
About the size OF It. "Papa, how do editors
get 10 free to oil the showsy" well. sonny, as
.gcuersl rule, they give five dollars worth Of ad-
.ertjslug for a twenty-five cent ticket"
The Nihilists, the Beers and Sitting Bull should
strike hands and make this world quake. They
all chance to bc on top together-Er. Meantime
let us not forget vennor and Malone, who are
Cs near on top as any OF EN-.
Burton. of the Aurora Herald, is afraid that
'reshet will come and take his "lice now on the
lslsnd-t0wn to Ottawa. Don't get scared.
Brother Burton! Put upa "fdt dam" and YOU
viii &c all right-Efgin Leadcr.
II drink porter it makes me fat" said man
~ his neghbor. 81 think 1t sometimes makes
sou iean--against the WALL as it did last night,
var the reply.
YALuARLE TESTIMONIAL: Dear Slr-Two
nouths ago my wife could hardly speak. She
fas taken two bottles OF your Life Remover,
and now can't speak at all. Please send me two
more bottles"
hate the winter with its snow
1t Is the bane OF welded life;
I've drunk the very dregs Of woe,
For Mary Ann Is now my wife;
And be 1t e'er cold and dreur,
Each morn, at O'Clock or prior,
Ny darling whispers In my ear:
ats time, my love, to light the fire."
0DE TO AN OYSTER, AFTER WALT. WHITMAN.
Dichlam ydeous dainty! Bivalvular beauty!
Cnnchiferous creature, TO prove thee 10 duty.
Stranger from Chicoteague! Saiferous stranger
Art thou, when swallowed, an epzoon ranger?
h1nocUiar morsel,
With never dorset, |
Whence thy maternity
Whence thy paternity!
Whonce thy fraternity?
Art thou n0madic? or of nature spOr adic!
But maYhap thourt addic.
Ted 30 silenccs
So!
In thy aubmergence
Excuse the divergence
This BupereXcrescence--
Saving your presence,
Then prove thy salvation
But aruihllation
Awaits thee.
WalterI this she'll
Open 1t well!
Succuleat snooger--there you are-you, eiri
There on 6 fortnight as a zcphyr--
! raise thee
Aud praise thee!
Thou art gone! Thy lot Is sad.
Here, waiter! Confound you! That oyster was
hadl
young lady OF Ottawa. H., has become in. |
sane from reading an article Ia au evening paper
published In that city.-Erchdnge, We have
Tong feared that some Of the EueniHg Journal
sunny articles would drive somebody to mad
ness, and now 1t seems our fears are realized. II
6lsoUor Frge Press.
"When you buy cigar from a trainboy. al
gays ask him how much it is before you bite the
end % IL. If you bltr 1t first, you cant make
aim take 1t back, add he'll stick you for ten
cont sure II 10 pretty much the same way In
every business. -Pasburg Telegraph,
Small AS may appear the resources Of typo
yTaghy they can nevertheless lay claim to the
following graphic" attempt at portrait paint.
~ expressive Of;
Aefr'm ont racturni,y indifference. As,onlshment,
Got any Kids" the census man said
To the woman over the Rhine.
She hit him belt on the side Of the head,
sai esciteoy answered; "Du hGllischcs un.
TergrhGmtes, ausgedorrtes muster zines frechcn
nsrreu, verass mein haus, oder ich msche