Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1881-05-10
The Difficulties Of an Orator.

'Now, my dear" said Mr.. Spoopen.
dyke as he drew writing materials to.
ward him, "now, want your woman e
wit. These fellows insist that must
respond t" the toast, Woman to-mor
row night, and I must prepare few re-
marks. If we both 60 at 1t we'll get VI
something nice"
"What you want" argued Mrs. Spoo-
pendyke, entering into the spirit of the
Undertaking, and tapping her teeth
with her thimble, "what you want Ii
woman in her various phases"
"What want is speech" retorted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "They haven't pu,
me down for panorama. I want q
short address, full of good points and
pleasant things about the ladies. Now
shall begin, Fellow citizens-'"
"But women amt fellow citizens.
should say"
'.You'd say, fellow back hair that's
what you'd say. I'm addressing the
people, and they're all men don't you
see? I've got tocommences somewhere,
and then I go on. Now. Fellow citi-
zens; regarding woma n, our origin, oul
companions, OuF posterity, our mothers.
our wives, and our daughters, what
more can we say than that they give us
lie, make IL uappy anu SOOta0 lts uc
cline?' How's thatW
us that the same woman?" asked
Mrs. Spoopendyke. ut don't strike me
that she would care to have it put In
that way. Why not say: Fellow
citizens; we are assem-"
whats the matter with you ?" de-
manded Mr.. Spoopendyke. 1--WE got
open with sentiment, and you eau I
God anything more graceful than that
Then l will go on: She rises in the
cradle, reaches her meridian at the al
tar, and goes down In a flood of dew at
the grave Can you grasp that?"
II don't like that as we'll AS the 9th
err" demonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke
"You make her mother while she is a
baby, and as for the grave part, stop to
think that she may be another meridi
an by getting married sgain. l would
say something like this: Fellow cIti-
Zens, we are assem-"
No. [ won't either. Who's going to
get married again? Cant you see that
I'm carrying out the first idea of origin.
companionship, aud posterity? Rising
in the cradle means giving Us birth =
Now, you hold up. Suppose say next !:
I'VE revere her MS mother, adore her ~
wife. and-apd, say, what do we do
for her As daughter 2"
"WeIl, you might say we dress her,
and educate her, aud keep an eye on her,
and-and- and"
''Spank her? dod CAST it! Spank her
Why tout y GU say spank her?" howled
Mr. Spoopendyke. Cant you think
of something poetical? I'vegOt that we
revere our mothers and adore our wives,
and want something for the daughter.
Can't you originate something's"
1--WE provide hume for her
Wouldn't"
'.Yes, of counsel" raved Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "That't the idea: That fixes it
All you want now is is two prolonged
laughters,' four continued applauses,'
one enthusiasm, and a voice, to be an
grafton! Fellow citizens, we furnish
her with poached eggs and beans! Eel
lOw-citiZens, we rvere her AZ mother,
we adore her as wife, and as daughter,
we change the sheets once a week -
Fellow citizens. we pass her the gravy
Fellow citizens! =" yelled Mr.. SpOopen-
dy he, gesticulating like horse chest.
nut tree. citizens, ifshe wants
her beefra we give it to her! Fellow
citizens, we give her all the dod gasted
butter she can paste on her breadv is
that what you want me to say? Ex-
pect I'm going to stand around and
make measly ass Of myself? Fellow