Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1881-05-11
SPICE AND ALISPlCE.

dlVe welcome TO the vernal sun
HOW Joyous, as each bright eye looks
Aloft, doth seem the life begun
HOW eloquent ye of DAYS
Mn zen lovers near your haunts will chance,
ana she your dainty forms will praise
And he up sodded cliffs will prance
And get-much verdure on his pants
-Yonkers Gazette
How to serve dinner-Eat it.
SHocKNG-A magnetic battery.
SOME OF the country schoolboys call
the school-houses tanneries.
Is six-button kid any relative of a
sick buttin' goat ?"-Derrick.
EVERYTHING has to pay up sometimes:
even the little chickens have to shell out.
TEACHER: "And the Lord said unto
Moses Maggie Ford, put down that
SLATED"
"UNLUCKY cuss" is the name of an
Arizona town, called after a man who
thought he had four aces up his sleeve
when he hadn't.
WILL the coming man eat dried ap-
pies ?-Ceratral city Item. If he wishes
to be classed as swell he probably will.
-Modern Argo.
PLUMP girls are going out of fashion.
Excuse US for remaining SO confounded-
ly old-fashioned. We never took to a
bone-Ann-sir. = Whitehall Times.
A BRAVE man may face a mad bull
with fire in his eyes and courage in his
heart, but sign marked "smal-pox"
fetches him.-NeaU York Commercial
AdUertiser.
"GIvE us an article on dogs" writes
correspondent who is enthusiastic re-
garding the canine race. A dog collar is
an article on dogs; so are feas; which
will you have?
The resignation of Fred. Grant from
the army leaves this country in a de-
plorable state of danger. IL nobody can
pray will somebody pass the hat
Elnajra Free Press.
''IN what condition was the patri-
arch Job at the end of his life ?" asked
a Sunday-school teacher of quiet look
ing boy at the foot of class.
" Dead" calmly replied the boy.
The New York Times gives remorse-
less scolding to the self-advertisers who
keep scrapbooks of newspaper illusions
to themselves, and whose highest ambi-
ton is to get their names into print.
"MY DEAR" said an anxious matron to
her daughter, 'it is very wrong for
young people to be throwing kisses at
each other "Why SO, mamma? I'm
sure they don't hurt even if they do hit. :"
YOUNG man, if you begin at the top
of the ladder, progress is in one direc-
ton only-down. But if you begin on
lower rounds you will have the satisfac-
ton of going up just as fast as your
abilities will carry you.-NeaO Haven
Register.
DAMPENINGi Old Triggs- stHello,
Jones, got your feet sopping wet, haven't
you? Why don't you wear rubbers, as
/ do? / haven't wet my feet for six
months :" Jones" Well, Ishould think
you'd be ashamed to say SO. ''-Harv0rd
Lanapoon.
ANGRY wife of his bosom: "I wish I
was dead and cremated and my ashes
put in an urn on your dressing-room ia
BILE, and then perhaps you'd be s-sorry!''
Facetious monster: ''My dear, that
wouldn't end the family iars-it would
only begin them.-Loaadon Punch.
AN Indiana woman has just killed
twenty snakes, which she found on one
spot enjoying the warm sunshine. Ii
Adam had only had that kind of wife
But somehow the Garden of Eden had to
be placed on the wrong side of the Indi-
ana line, and things got mixed.-LOatis-
Vilte Courier Journal.
"HI where did you get them trow-
sers ?" asked an Irishman of man that
happened to be passing with remark
ably short pair of trowsers. 81 got
them where they grew" was the indig-
nant reply. Then, by my conscience"
said Pat, "you've pulled them year too
soon p
II has been conclusively proved that
if a man walks around the world on
great circle, his head will go just 377
feet further than his feet. So, If you
don't want to wake up some morning
with your head and feet that far apart,
don't attempt circumnavigation.-
Haven Register.
YOUNG lady-My dear professor,
want to thank you for your lecture.
You made it all so plain that I could
understand every word. Professor
am truly glad you did understand it.
/ have studied the subject for about
thirteen years, and am not clear that
| understand it yet.
AN old gentleman who always took
notes of his minister's sermons, on one
occasion read them to the minister
Stop. stop!' said the minister, at the
occurrence of certain sentence; +" L
didn't say that" 81 know you didn't"
was the reply; :" I put that in myself to
make sense. Huntington Haa0keye.
A LITTLE girl once took letter from
her mother to an old lady friend. g Many
thanks, my child" she said; you may
tell YOUR mother that you are a good
child and faithful little messenger"
'Thank you, maam; and I shall tell
her, too, that / didn't ask you for ten
cents, because mamma told me not to-"
TIGHT lacing caused the liver of an
Indiana woman to grow fast to the cpl
gastrium, causing her death. Ladies
cannot be too careful in guarding against
such calamity as this. When tight
lacing must be INDUCED in the epigas-
trium should be removed and locked up
in the bureau drawer for safety
Quincy Modern Argo.