Connecticut western news., 1881-03-30
WIT AND WISDOM.

WHEN some politicians are weighed they are found wanting every office in the country.
 If Worcester spells Wooster" an exchange desires to know why Roches- ter doesn't spell "Rooster."
 THERE is place for everything, fell ow-citizens, but there isn't a place for every man. Remember that, before you start for Washington.
 SOME people have no idea of how to write book. A person in New York has issued work on Dramatic Life" without word in it about how to se- cure a divorce. -.,.E
 A GREAT many peoples morality re- sembles sign posts at the corner of country roads. They point in the right direction, but they don't budge on inch themselves.
 A MAN in Albany having announced that he Chad historical pitcher," four teen baseball clubs have written him asking what the pitchers terms were for the coming season.
 "YEs," SAID the school girl who had risen from the lowest to the highest po- sition in her class. CT shall have horseshoe for my symbol as it denotes having come from the foot !'
 THE Philadelphia Ne,Os has found out that nothing is so likely to miscarry as dunning letter. The person addressed never seems to get them, no matter how cordially they are directed.
 ON THE announcement that "'The Bankrupt is about to be put on the stage" the Boston Commercial BuLle- tin comments Hereabouts he gener- ally goes in his own carriage"
 WE MAY now look for spring without delay. George Francis Train has reap peared, and marked papers from the circus managers are being received in every newspaper office in the country.
 CARE you engaged ?" asked Colonel Mark Antony of Galveston hack driver. "Engaged Why, man alive, Ihave five children down with the measles and two more to take it. am engaged in sittlng up with them all night long,"
 THE Boston Transcript says: "New Orleans knows how to have holiday, our northern cities don't" It knows how to have the yellow fever too. But then we know how to have the fever nager. Count one on our string, please.
 "PA, do they make cannons as they do glass bottles?" Certainly not. Why do you ask such question ?" Well, then, why does the paper say the wind blows great guns?'' And then the old man caught the youngster by the neck and preached him.
 A GALVESTON man called at lawyers office short time ago, and said he wanted divorce. els your wife un- faithful" asked the lawyer. "Dat's jest hit. Two months ago tole her to put out clean shirt for me to put on, and she ain't done it yit."
 THE only people in this country who are credited with playing original jokes on people in cars and restaurants are the negro minstrels. It would be good thing if they would get off some of their original jokes on the stage instead of waiting until the performance is over.
 Ir IS SAID that two French philoso- phers have kept nine hogs drunk for 8 yaer, as @ scientific experiment. That's just the way some folks cast their pearls before the swine. Why couldn't they have let some New York men have the fun of the experiment?-Bo8toa Post.
 A DELEGATE compliment is worth pre- serving and repeating. When a lady asked Quin why there were more women in the world than men he at once re- piled: "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of nature, madame we always see more of heaven than earth"
 IN WASHINGTON the barkeeper in 6 lager beer saloon, before drawing his two inches of beer and four inches of fresco, hands to the drinker @ small plate holding fried oyster. Thus for thirty cents an office seeker can obtain a half dozen fried oysters and a half dozen glasses of beer.
 | SHE laid her cheek on the easy chair back against his head and murmured: "How I do love to rest thus against your dear head, Augustus!" "Do your" said he; cit is because you love me, darling" "No; because it is so nice and softw Then he lay and lay, and thought and thought.
 TIE way the ladies are progressing,
 Plain words may scarce express
 'Tis by the process of undressing
 That they. achieve "full dress"
 Tight-lacing early graves are fillingi
 Nor that the only ill
 Bare necks and shoulders both are "kiling,"
 But 'tis the girls they kill.
 WE ARE, most of us at least, like the negro in one respect. "Are you a Union man, Sam 2" said an officer to darkey. "Yes, sar wen de Union army is roun' I'm Union man." "Well, how is it when the Secesh army is here?" "Why, den I'm Secesh all over," said Sam; and he added, "De white folks can't get ahead of me on dat principle"
 A BOUNCING chair for bores has been invented. The pressure of man sit- ting in the chair works springs in the floor. After three minutes pressure the door opens, thing like a mans arm, with fearful claw on it, reaches in, grabs the occupant of the chair, yanks