Connecticut western news., 1881-06-15
ADVERTISING RATES
WIT AND WISDOM.

DOES @ girl cudgel her brains every time she bangs her hair?
 WHEN two persons fall in love the only way to get out is to fall out.
 A GEORGIA newspaper calls one of it's rivals the repository of belated informa- tion.
 ''IF I lie then may never see any more whiskey," is the most sacred oath Pawnee Indian can think of
 MONEY is getting to be drug on the market, and the United States Treasury is the biggest drug store of the kind in the country.
 SCIENTIFIC men who stand in with beer sellers will soon be warning people against the pernicious effect of ice water as beverage.
 'I HAVE an idea," says the High Chamberlain in ''The Mascot. Keep. it," remarks the cynical King, "we're going to have dull summer"
 BREAKFAST table, father of family, reading: "There is cat in Cinc1nnai that drinks beer" Daughter (sixteen) -"Pa, she must be maltese cat"
 WHEN you read the seductive legend ln the tobacconist's window, "Our five cent cigars can't be beat" remember if they can't be beat they may be cabbage.
 Two men and kitten intend crossing the Atlantic in an open boat fourteen feet long. The society for the protec- tion of animals should prevent the kit tens going.
 "FAREwE1L" is the title of poem sent in from Ohio yesterday It is @ good thing that the gifted authoress said good-by to the little gem, because she will never see it again.
 "JoHN," said Dean Ramsay, 'I'm sure ye ken that rollin' stone gathers nae morse ?" "Ay," rejoined John, "that's true, but can ye tell me what guid the morse does to the stone?"
 LAURA (with noveD-Oh 1 if this tale were only true and I were the heroine. Kate-What With her prosecutions, her misery? Laura-Ah but, then, dear, remember she does get husband, after all.
 A GENTLEMAN, taking an apartment, said to the landlady: "I assure you, madam, never left lodging but my landlady shed tears." "I hope, sir," said she, cit was not because you went away without paying" HE LEFT her in the cream saloon, While in the east up rose tine moon.
 When he returned to pay the fee, It knocked the life out of a V. -.
 He sighed a sigh of sad regret, | And moaned, "What has my Juli et!'
 A CORRESPONDENT should always make it point to add to 8 newspaper com munication: eff too long, please cut down to suit yourself" This reassures the editor and suggests way out of a possible difficulty which might never have occurred to him.
 -ARTFU1 She-''I had such hor- rid dream last night, dearest. Whatever do you think it was ?" He-''Don't know, my love, I'm sure." She "Why, dreamt that you were not going to take me to the boat race this year. Just fancy"
 "DoN'T talk to me about the descent of species p exclaimed Jones. "You can't make me believe, for instance, that I descended from monkey" "Don't get excited" replied Foggs "there is no evidence that you have descended from the monkey; none whatever.
 THE proper time to run 8 lawn mower is about A. M. Then you not only cut the grass, but prevent the neigh bors from oversleeping and being late to breakfast, and the hope that you'll have them cut off doesn't hurt you any. cir WAS very late when you retired r
 "Yes, papa!" I frankly said
 "For the man, you see just talked to me,
 Though yawned till my eyes were red
 And I went so far, when the clock struck | twelve,
 As to count the strokes all through;
 But-the stupid he just wouldn't sec
 And what could poor girl do?"
 THE Legislatures of Michigan and Wisconsin both debated bill entitled: |: "Any person who shall, after the pas sage of this act, knowingly falsify as to the number and size of fish taken at any tune shall be guilty of misde- meanor, and be punished by thirty days in the county prison, without relief"
 DR. LoRING's father was thrifty, and his hogs were handsome, while the boys were long, lean, and hungry-looking specimens as could be found. And one of the Parsons plain spoken neighbors, looking first at the hogs and then at , the boys, exclaimed, ''Mighty nice porkers, Parson, but eff I were you I'd give less corn to the hogs and more pork to the by's"
 To widower: els it true that you are going to marry again?" "It's very true" "And whom do you marry? ?" "My dead wife's sister," "Is she hand some?" "No." "Rich? ?" ''Not at all." "Then why have you chosen her ?" ''To tell you the truth, my dear friend, in order not to change mother in-laws."
 A JoURNEYMAN file maker died in Hoboken the other day, and on exami-
 nation it was found that his lungs were coated with iron filings. Almost simul- taneously out West newspaper man s died, and at the post-,nortem an entire t newspaper was found in his left lung. , It was said to have been remarkably we'll edited, too-all stealings.