Connecticut western news., 1881-08-10
WIT AND WISDOM.

IT IS not always fair weather at the Clearing House.
 JONES calls his wife's hairdresser her switch-tender.
 THE fly that walks on oleomargarine is not butterfly.
 WILD steers are dangerous on the water aud in the streets.
 AN exchange speaks of female law yers. Yes, they are all fee males.
 THERE is a chap who calls his best girl Revenge, because "revenge is sweet"
 THERE'S something dogged about the man who will insist upon cur-tailing expenses.
 A MAN in dilemma intuitively scratches his head. Does he do it to arouse an idea?
 A CERTAIN musical critic is so full of muslc that he finds it impossible to eat his meals save with tuning fork.
 THE man who invented corsets was foolish for he might have known they would all go to waist or on bust. .
 IT LOOKS very much as if Edison had made an arrangement with Keely to use his motor to run the electric light. The gravest beast is an ass the gravest bird is
 an owl
 The gravest fish is an oyster, and the gravest
 man is a fool.
 A STRANGE astronomical phenomenon is seen in the fact that when the irate father takes down his trunk strap there is liable to be spots on the son.
 TBBAns and "Bright Eye" will have smooth sailing until the quarrel as to whether the first baby shall be a "papoose or "tootsy wootsy white darling" ...... .....-.-
 WHEN you read the seductive legend in the tobacconist's window, "Our five cent cigar can't be beat" remember, if they can't be beet, they may be cab bage.
 IF AN unstained name and the mem- ory of an honest record is the inheri- tance you propose to leave your children it is full time that you were born again, for it may take longer than you think to wipe out the past.
 THE grasshopper is some pumpkins when 8 rail fence is to be eaten, but the army worm has the boss appetite. He begins eating at daylight and never stops until bedtime, and he wouldn't knock off then except to see the comet.
 AN English girl writes that no man will stare long at woman who dares not stare back. That sounds very we'll, but. if she does not stare back how is she to know whether the man has stop ped staring or not :?
 REGENT experiments tried at Niagara Falls prove that dog can smell @ bone exactly twenty two feet from his nose. How far Niagara Falls hackman can smell a victim has not been determined, but the distance can safely be set down at @ mile.
 "WHERE is the island of Java situ- ated ?" asked an Austin school teacher of small, rather forlorn-looking boy. "I dunno, sir." "Don't you know where coffee comes from ?" "Yes, sir; we borrows it ready parched from the next-door neighbor."
 PAPA-"That picture shows the story of Prometheus and the vulture that fed on his liver. Every day the vulture devoured it, and every night it grew for him to eat again" Sympathetic Child -"Poor, dear old vulture How sick he must have been of liver every day."
 OLIVE LOGAN commenced one of her lectures recently with the remark, "Whenever see pretty girl want to clasp her in my arms. "So do we," shouted the boys in the gallery. For moment Olive was nonplussed, but, re- covering her self-possession. she replied, "Well. boys, I don't blame you."
 IN THE course of street brawl the other day one of the disputants was heard to reiterate with considerable pro- fanity that he might be whipped, but he wouldn't be subiugsted. It seems that he miscalculated little on this point, as he was seen the next day and going to a picnic along with his wife, and actually carrying the baby.
 A BOY emerged from a restaurant the other day with a tray loaded with deli. cacies. In his hurry he ran against we'll known Ann street gambler, aud upset the coffee on the gamblers shirt bosom. "Deuce take the tray" said he, in towering passion. ''Sir," said the waiter, "you ought to know better than that the deuce cannot take the tray"
 SEASIDE Hotel Keeper-Yes, we think itwould be perfectly safe for you to have & big wooden sea serpent made, and an chor it off shore with about eight hun dred feet of rope, so it could drift about, and with head that will rise and fall with the motion of the waves. You needn't be afraid of anybody going near enough to the thing to discover the de- option.
 THERE was once a Sir James Weic Hogg, who made fortune in India, and whose wife, holding a distinguished position in London fashionable circles, gave splendid parties. It is said that young blood meeting one of the Misses Hogg at ball, and not knowing her name, asked her if she was going to @ certain party at the "Piggery." Her naive reply was: "Oh, I am one of the litter 1"
 CHARLEY SMA1LFAoE is @ nice little |