Democratic messenger., 1881-03-19
WIT AND WISDOM. d

AN oXcDaHge teIlS uo ttuOtt1 tAAO OAA6-At
of bourbon whisky. Il il not the origin
of the stuff that troubles most men, but
| the end of it.
WHENEVER young ladies learn so to
stick pin in their apron-strings that 1t
won't scratch fellows wrist, there will
| be more marriages.
A YOUNG bride being asked how her
husband turned out, replied that he
turned ont very late in The morning and
turned in very late at night. ?
YoUNG lady, examining some bridal
wells ",Can you really recommend this
one?" Overzealous shopman '"Oh,
yes, miss 1t may be used several
times" :t...
aHow LIKE its father," said the
nurse, on the christening of baby
whose father was over seventy. every
Ike" said a satirical lady, "bald and
not tooth in its head. gsB
A CONNECTICUT paper advises its read
ers not to use whisky to start fire. The
insinuation that readers need any such
caution as that is enough to arouse them
to mobbing the editors Office.
In Yreka, California, is a sign which
reads: ''Yreka bakery Whether
you arc going up the street or coming
down the street, you can begin at the
end next to you and spell it out COR
rectly. .ss ~
Two gentlemen in a restaurant be-
came somewhat excited in their discus
sion. One of them finally said:
Boarding-houses would be quite
agreeable if we could only get rid of
the landlady.'
DEAR Mrs. Oldbcdy Mrs. Spaggins
was boasting of her new house. The
windows, she said, were all stained.
"That's too bad, but won't turpentine
or benzine wash it OFF," asked the good
Mrs. Oldbody.
SCENE at stable.4 Funny Freshman
Ito hostler, who is rubbing down his
horse) "Pat, I'm afraid you're curry
ing favor with that horse" Hostler:
"Faith, mol I'm merely scrapin' an
acquaintance.
YoUNG America in Chicago: When 6
Chicago little boy is bad and his mann
ma orders him to stand in the corner he
edges toward the door and remarks
"Say, ma, is it corner in lard or a
corner in polk ?"
TOURIST TO Highland por.er. els
the midday train generally up to time,
porter % Porter" Weel, you'll see,
sir, sometimes she was sooner and
sometimes she was earlier, and some
times she was before that, too"
They met, they smiled. they wept, they
loved: =
He called her Jane, she called him
Thomas
richer man rode down the lane,
And Thomas brought suit for breach Of
promise.
"I FIND it so difficult to pay calls,
said busy lady, the mother Of large
family. TO her husband. so do /, he
replied, as he thought of his large in
vestment in the shares of the Minimum
Under Mining Company which hasn't
yielded anything except a half-yearly
report of their So 'doings."
A TRAMP, the Galveston Neags tells us,
was being escorted down Galveston
avenue by one of the most stylish po-
licemen on the force. 81 hate to walk
arm-in-arm with policeman, " said the
tramp. " You ought to be used to it by
this time, replied the policeman. 81
can't get used to hearing people say,
IJust look at that yagabond !! when /
know they must mean one of us.
AN engaged young man is late in
paying his regular visit at the dwelling
of his musically inclined betrothed.
The young lady is anxious. The family
sympathizes with her anxiety. Sud-
denly the bell rings and the calm blue
sky of peace reappears IN the young
girls eyes as she exclaims rapturously,
but ungrammatically: "That's him
How exquisite his technique is on the
bell-pull, and-oh, the breadth OF his
ring !" 5
A BURLY rowdy who has already
served five or six sentences is brought
before the police. Just as they are
about to begin the examination, s' Mr..
President" says he, "my lawyer is in
disposed. I call for a delay of one
week" " But you. have been caught
in open misdemeanor, your hand III the
pocket of the plaintiff. What could
your lawyer say for You ?" " Precise
ly, Mr.. President /; I'm quite curious to
know"
famous hens my story's theme,
Who ne'er was known to tire
OF laying eggs-but then she'd scream
So loud DER every egg twould seem
The house must be on fire.
A turkey-cock, who ruled the walk,
a wiser bird and older,
Could bear't it no more; so on did stalk
Right to the hen and told her:
% Madam, that scream, apprehend,
Does nothing to the matter
1t surely helps the egg no whit
So lay your egg, and done with it.
l pray you, madam. as q friend,
Cease that superiluous clatter;
You know not howt goes through my head!
''Humph very likely" madam said,
Then proudly putting forth leg
"Uneducated barnyard fowl,
You know no more than any owl
The noble privilege and praise
or authorship in modern days
I'd tell you why do it;
First You perceive, | lay my egg,
And then-review il"