Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1881-04-18

Tie long string to your boot-jack; it
morning.
Job was doubtless the first humorous
paragrapher.-Er. Yes, but he never
stole his matter, and his humor was al
ways boiled down and had head.
''Do you drink" said temperance re-
former to a beggar who had implored
aims of him. eyes, thank you, returned
the candid pauper. "Where shall we go?"
Servant: ''And please IN when l am
out may call and tell the piano tuner to
come tomorrow? for notice when you
plays as the instrument seems to want
tuning very badly"
A very proper Boston girl who reads
the Bible to the family Sunday nights read
Of civilian Dad, the Shubite," referring
to him as ''Bildad, being considered too
dreadfully familiar.
Inquirer: eyes, a man not justice of
the peace can administer an oath. We
accidentally stuck a corner of our umbrel-
la in mans eye the other day, and he
administered several oats to us; but he
was not justice"
''Poor fellow! he died in poverty ="
said man of person lately deceased.
'"That isn't anything" exclaimed a seedy
bystander "Dying in poverty is no hard
ship. It's living in poverty that puts the
thumbscrews on a fellow"
A little boy in Belfast, Me-, attended
church last Sunday for the first time. On
returning home, he was asked what was
done at the church, to which he replied :
"First they sang, then man prayed, and
then one passed round a corn-popper."
man asked to test jug of whiskey
to see if it was first-clasS article, proved
himself conscientious. He gave no snap
judgment on just smelling and tasting it,
but tried it seven different times that he
might be thoroughly satisfied before ex-
pressing his opinion.
The reason given by the colored man
for not going too near the heels of a fa-
nous roam mule, was so satisfactory that
we can afford to adopt it as an excuse for
not doing a great many other things. "De
reason" he said, ''why nebber 'proach
dat roam mule from de rear, is dat I'm too
fond of my family and don't belong to no
church, nudder.''
plague take it," exclaimed Henderson,
scowling at the dictionary, "Tain't here. p"
'What isn't there?" ''Why, philosophy" :"
"And no wonderr" said Fogg, looking
over Fenderson's shoulder 'sIt doesn't
begin with an f. Look underp, and you'll
find it. You must learn to spell. if YOU
would. find a word in the dictionary. -
LEARN to SPELL" yelled Henderson, edo
you suppose I'd hunt the dictionary for a
word if knew how to spell it? What are
dictionaries for, should like to know?"
Itching Piles-Symptoms and Cure.
The symptoms are moisture, like per-
spiration, intense itching, increased by
scratching, very distressing, particularly
at night, as if pin worms were crawling
in and about the rectum; the private parts
are sometimes affected; if allowed to con-
tinue very serious results may follow.
CDR. SwAYNE'S ALL-HEALING OINTMENT
is pleasant sure cure. Also for letter,
itch, salt rheum, scald head, erysipelas,
BARRIERS itch, blotches, all scaly, crusty,
cutaneous eruptions. Price so cents g
boxes for slips. Sent by mail to any ad.
dress on receipt of price in currency, OF
three cent postage stamps. Prepared only
by DR.. Swayne & Son, $50 North Sixth ST.,
Philadelphia, Pa, to whom letters should
be addressed. Sold by all prominent
druggists. Ally