South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-08-12
w / r A ND HUM OR

iS'uhS now I'D no IL why, then,
we'd all get married at seventeen.
responded the girls in sweet chorus.
Sob, my dear, said his wife, wreath
ed in smiles, L wish you had been at
church this morning. Mr.. Goodwill
was very interesting; and when he
prayed for the absent ones well,
that accounts for it then. I haven't
caught such string of fish for year
rs | did this morningr
Look heah, Uncle Nose, you fool
ed me wild dat ar boss l buyed from
yer last week. He jest drapt dead in
his tracks He never drapt dead in
his tracks or anywhere else as long as
had him, going on twenty years
Governess Ito small boy: Benny,
shall keep you in if you don't learn
your lesson better tomorrow. 1 am
going to turn over new leaf with
YOU Small boy-you can't turn O..
Yer new leaf, it's tear'd out
A young lady said to an orthodox
old lady: Il declare you are a dread
ful fanatic, Mrs. McCizzon. l do be-
lieye yon think that nobody will be
saved but you and your minister
Old lady: Aweel, my dear, haze
my doots about the meenister.'
The poor old negro preacher was
more than half right when he said {:
'Bredderin, if could all see into
our own hearts as God does, it mos
skeer Us to death
Many of the first settlers of Illinois
were rude in speech and rough in
manner. Money was scarce with
them, and service was paid for in pro-
duce. Governor B used TO il,
lustrate these incidents of frontier
life by the following anecdote -
One day there came to his Office
young man accompanied by young
woman.
BE you the Squire ? asked the
manly youth.
Yes, sir
Can you tie the knot for us right
away%
Yes, SIR
How much do you charge p
'One dollar is the legal fee, sir.
will you take your fee in bees
wax? p
Yes. if you can't pay cash.
well, go ahead and tie the knot,
and I'll fetch in the wax
No. said the Squire, thinking
there was n good chance for little
fun; bring in the beeswax first, and
then I'll marry you
Reluctantly the youth went out to
where was hitched the horse, upon
which, Darby and Joan fashion, they
had ridden, and brought the wax in
n sack. On being weighed, its value
was found to be only sixty cents.
WALL said the anxious groom,
'tie the knot, and I'll fetch more wax
next week
No, sir, | don't trust; that is against
the rules of this office
Slowly the disappointed youth turn
ed to go out, saying, Come, Sail, let's
go
i say. mister answered Sail, with
woman's wit, cant you marry us
as far as the wax will go p
Yes, can, and WILL replied the
Squire laughing; and he did.
James Craig keeps toll bridge in
Virginia. During the recent hot
weather, every one who stopped at the
bridge to pay toll thoughtlessly oh.
served 'Ain't it hot p Craig soon
discovered that his voice was grow.
Ing feeble, for, the exclamation being
in the form OF 4 question, courtesy re-
quired that an answer should be re.
turned. lie accordingly painted and
hung up in plain view sign which
reads, Yes, it is very hot Now
when traveller pulls up at the bridge,
Mr.. Craig simply points ut the sign
with one hand while he takes the toll
with the other.
One night about o'clock an inc
briated man was observed holding
himself up by means of lamp-p post
that had a mail.box. As a reporter
passed, he said to the man, Hello.
what's the matter? well replied
the man, I-hic-put 5 cents in the
box here half an hour ago, and the
car amt started yet
a fve-year-old son of n family
the other day stood watching his ba-
by brother, who was making q great
noise over having his face washed.
The little fellow at last lost his pa.
fence, and stamping his foot, said,
you think you have lots of trouble
but YOU don't know anything about
it. Wait till you're big enough to
get q licking, and then you'll see
won't he, mama ?
If you want TO get the reputation
of knowing a heap, DO as Professor
Proctor does. lie gucsscs what hap.
pcned three or four million years
ago, and predicts what is to happen
fifteen million years hence. It is on
lv few yoars since lao cor,t,ouo,,I