South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-09-09
w l I A N d HUM OR,


There is IN Oil City boy who wa,
sent out collecting, and when he 70.
turned IN the evening and handed in
ms bills unpaid, he said: The peonlo
round this town like me first rate
ihey were so anxious to see me often
that every man 1 went to see told mo
to call again.
AT recent examination in q g;rl,s
school the question was pat to a class
vi httie ones: who makes the laws
OF our Government p Congress.
was the ready reply. How is Con.
gress divided 2 wEsthe next question.
a little girl in the class raised her
hand. 'Well,' said the examiner
Miss Sallie, what 10 you say the an.
swer rs 2 Instantly, with an ais of
confidence rs well as triumr,n. the
ahs"ercame; Civilized, half civilized
and savage ~'
hn oio &c ntleman, finding couple
OF MS Aiec' IS fencing with broomsticks.
SAID - .ome, come. nv dcars. that
s Klnc'o' an accomplishment will not
ne'p you in getting husbands Il
an" " it, responded one of the girls.
~ she gave another lunge, 'but it will
help to keep our husbands in order
when we have got EN-.
A girl composed of eight halves is
~ mathematical anomaly, scientific
monstrosity. And yet, we heard one
recently, within halt am hour, declare
she was half head with the heat, had
laughed herself half TO death at some
body's tnishap or blmder, was half
crazy to know something about some
thing else, was ha!ftickled to death at
some funny remark of an ape OF n
beau, was half mad at an escorts pre-
sumption, and half killed by bairpin
scratching her neck, while all of her
two halves more-was still alive,
we'll and absurd. Girls, drop al these
hyperbolical nonsensicalities that dis
figure your daily walk and conversa
ton, and be rs sensible as YOU are
pretty and lovable.
An exchange says it is mystery
how fellow cal. kiss gill with n
poke bonnet on. Any one can have
the mystery solved by bringing a GIRL
to this oflice-if she's good looking.
An Iowa exchange says: Sunday
morning our devil stole a pail and
slipped off to the prairie and picked
about SIX quarts OF nice delicious Der.
ries. On his return we read him a
severe lecture on Sabbath breaking,
and-he divided the berries with us.
A bridal couple from Washoe Val.
ley at breakfast in Reno hotel, con.
versed as follows IIe-'Shall | skin
you pertater, honey 2 Shc-'No
thank you, deary, have one already
skun.'
Down in the New Jerusalem, that
agricultural paradise of the lower
course OF the Carson, Nevada, they
are troubled with porcupires. These
intelligent little animals are said tC
dig up the potatoes, then roll about
on them till they can walk off to the
hills with peck or so of the tubers ON
their quilts. Water and muskmelons
disappear in the same way, and the
boys up at Dayton are ready to swear
that they have seen the porcupines
toiing toward the hills under the
weight OF melons that made them
grunt at every step. The Chinese
have seen the potatoes thus moving
toward the mountains of Como.
There were half q dozen ladies and
gentlemen in an Austin strect,car.
when the driver stopped the car and
said There is somebody in this car
trying TO beat me out of n fare The
passengers looked at each other, and
all said they had putt in their fare 1T
don't make no difference. There are
only six fares in the box and seven
people in the car Then a gentle
man got up, and with sigh put in
the missing fare, remarked Il put in
one before, but as / was once III the
Legislature everybody will say it can't
be anybody else but me, so I'll have
to- stand it.
A Dutchman repeated the adage
Birds init ono fedder goes init dem
selves.
TO be short in his accounts is, i'm n
cashier, crime i'll q reporter it is
virtue
The boy who knocked another
down with piece Of ice should be ar
rested for carrying concealed wcap-
Ons.
I'm the sweet balmy, delicious hap
pincss Of loves first young dream, a
youth will not only insist on crack.
ing walnuts for his girl. but ON pick
ing out the goodies rs well. Two