The Ouachita telegraph. [volume] (Monroe, La.) 1865-1889, 1881-07-15
EVERY WIFE HER OWN TORMENTOR.
In Three Easy Lessons.

LESSON I.
There arc certain methods OF aug
mcnting domestic discomfort with
fatal facility; and as it is possible ina,
one young woman in ten thousand is
ignorant of the ways and means,
need make no apology, I think, Tor
making an iteration for her sake.
In the first place, my very Ignorant
young friend, when your husband
takes up tho newspaper i'll the morn
ing, instead Of your hand, asmay posi-
bly, happen, turn your face rcsoluteiy
to the wall, bite your tingcr-nails, or
scratch on tho window-panc just sufll-
cicntIy to attract attention. When
your unnatural husband looks up and
inquiries what is the matter, rs may
nossiblv happen on the first trial,
scratch or bite, as the case may be,
more pertinaciously. If he puts down
the paper, and comes to you-snd
such behavior, it has been com
putcu, manifests itself about once in Il
ccntury-writhe yourself ont OF his
arms and when his inquiry as to
what is the matter is rcpeatcu--whlch
YOU may safely calculate upon-say
g Nothing .'' and however often the
repetition occur, don't for your life re-
lax q muscle, or make any other reply.
Pouting is a most successful methou OF
opcning the eyes of the husband to the
sweetness of your temper, of asserting
your dignity, and the impossibility OF
condesccndiug from it, and also OF
cliciting the admiration due to it.
When breakfast is ready pretend
You don't hear the bell, and not TIL
YOU have been reminded Of 1T four Or
live times must you show any disposi'
ton to rise from tlrc humble footstool
on which you arc contemplating the
wall paper, or the pattern of tho car
pct in the darkest corner OF the room
When You arc persuaded that th'
patience of your monster OF n husb;sn.
has been stretched to its utmost limit
push him angriiy from you if he offer:
to assist you, brush roughly past him
and inlit.atc, by looks as we'll as acts
that you will sec him i'll purgatory be
rorc You accept any of his assistance
until, indeed, he has asked your par
don, and, furthermore, paid for II, .,
the presentation of q silk gown, {, ui;'
m0nu ring, y bracelet. or some other
cuualiy valuable article by which par
dons for like offcnscs are rufchasablt
When you arc seated at the break
fast-tablc begin to write on your plat
with the handle of your fork, in sue
way AS shall indicate that never in tn
course of your natural life do you OK
pect to have any other use for q torl
If it occurs to you to make the letter
YOU shape spell your maiden name,
will be 4 source of extreme gratliic:
ton to yourself, and not the silGhtc:
annoyance to any other indiVidual.
W hen your coffee is being prepare
give directions in a voice so low TIL;
nobody can understand you, to have
uae,.y weak''-thercby Indicating
your husband that your delicate nerve
have undergone 4 horrible shock.
If your landiady, or other persol
make inquiry as to your condition, al
swcr, dcicctedly, that you have hca
achc-Which, from the sanction OF con
mon consent, means everything NJ
nothing in particular. The headaci
leaves the presumption that your hca
is ossifying, your lungs dccomposin
or your entire humanity canccrous.
No wife should omit to get the dc
nation of headache perfectly.
When your husband offers you be-
steak. omclct, or other appcliZ
relish, give him to understand that
is hcaping insult on injury. At
same time your intercourse with hi
so far as words go, must be expressive
polite. You must say t'Thanll "
Ssir,'' so ingcniously as TO make it Sc;
as if You said, tsrhc deuce take you
1t can be done as might be sho
by ten thousand examples. Sip "
coffee with your teaspoon, rs if )
u,o,,ld swallow a little if you possi
could; and take up a Scrumh or t
of dry toast-it will show forth 50
uucutiy your disposition to appear
ter in health than you arc 70 IN.
slight of your sufferings.
If this procedure fail to elicit ;