The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-10-26
WIT AND WISDOM.

4 Ae,f1tcfs
| rs real toney to have ! good soice.---
Chronicle Herald.
| A dangerous weepIn crying ones self
sick. -Somervie journal.
Resolutions never arise spontaneously.
They always have to be drawn up.
The more housekeeper has the more sho
needs.-Lowell Courier.
The young man with his frat moustache
backs down.-Whitehali Times
A case without a parallel is manifestly not a
printers case.-Phila Sun.
Do as the Romans do--if you would not be
done by the Romans. Modern Argo
Corners on grain follow wheat through
weevil report as we'll as good.-Picayune.
~ love my wife, gushed Henderson.
Next to your wife's husband" added Fogg.
When stupid man marries vixenish wife
he becomes shrewed. -Someryille Journal.
The lady who uses her husbands meer-
schaum pipe to drive tacks with is no gentle
man.
scolding woman's roughly planned to
fume aud bluster and command.--N. Y. Daily
News.
! Some one says that Hold Fellows are not
Masons, though approaching them in their
work.--Picayune.
/ The farmer that ran rapidly through his
property : wore a red shirt and had his brindls
bull behind him.
II a maiden says she is twenty, yet looks
fifty, add the figures together, divide by two
and you will ave Ter age.
i An Ohio girl spent the Fourth in plowng.
She will make model wife for a. man who
would rather play billiards than stay home
and work @
The difference between cat and q comma
Is that one has claws at the end of the paws,
/ while the other has the pause ut the end of
the clause.
n The Elmira Press asks !; .sWhy don't the
owners of the driven we'll principle claim a
patent on fishing with string? Worry likely
some Of their predecessors made that great
discovery, too.'
/ The stage robbers have opened the fall sea
son in Arkansas by robbing a stage near
Prescott. AS the robbers wore masks, aud
could not be identified, several prominen1
members of the Legislature have come out in
cards, declaring their ability to prove salts
factory atIbis. A suspension Of public opin-
ion is asked for. Texas Siftings
From True Stories FOX My Little Giri'':
. "As William Wilkins was waikiki in the
garden one day, he met his dear SISTER and
thus he did say why is squash like II
little news-boy?' She gave il up. Be-
cause said this wicked boy, the older he
grows, the more Of yeller lie will be- His
good grand manl-ma overheard him, aud
went to bed sick with grief"
There were boat races among the eloquent
men of ancient times, aud immense crowds
went to see Cicero, - Whitehall Times. Yes,
and he was the noblest row man of them all -
Steubenville Herald But when Greek met
Greek, then came the "tug " Of war; and OF
course broke up the race - Baton Not until
he had laid it oar them all. -Tere Hau.e
Saturday Night.
A Chicago man visiting Cincinnati was
being shown around by citizen who said
Now let's go and see the Widows Home
The Chicago man put his finger by the side
of his nose and winked, and then said :. Not
much Mary Ann / saw a widow home once
and 1t cost me sixteen thousand dollars. She
sued me for breach of promise, and proved it
on me. No, sir, send the widows home in
hack. Peck 5 Milwaukee Sun.
Two fellow travellers put up recently at
Colorado hotel. Next morning the cashier
observed that one of them, in settling his bill,
found It necessary 70 rip open his pocket,
which had been sewed up, in order to get his
money. "Afraid of Injuns, suppose, he
inqnirngly observed g Worse than that,
responded the cautious party. Z" My travelling
pard is an Ohio man out of job. "--Brookyn
Eagle.
~ don't sposc you'll believe it, but it's
fact that when was down to Norfolk In 'G8a
she'll burst right In front of me- and the con
tents lodged right plump in my stomach IN
I'm live now" Same thing happened to
me- down on the wharf day before yesterday"
/ The two friends gazed at each other, as if
trying to see which was the biggest liar.
They were both telling the truth for this
once. They had INDUCED in Virginia oysters
/" on the half.''
ii Quuoi VIC hCauiuS Va .NfOuso VI AAVuEhe5
i an exchange has Have the courage to pay
a debt while the money is in your pocket"
There Is a great deal of that kind of courage
in this world. And can man pay the debt
and keep the money IN his pocket9 Let us
have the receipt for the benefit of our readers.
TEXAS SJtings.
/ 81 49, 0s---+s------
THE BEER PROBLEM =" Boy, do you know
what that can contains9' said tramp to a
lad who was hurrying along with tin pail
full of lager.
Beer, responded the STRIPPING, promptly.
Z Exactly continued the tramp land
that beer contains glucose, cocculus indicus,
corn starch, rice meal and raw grape sugar,
all deadly 20 sons and enough to kill any man."
The lad set the pail down and moved off i
little from 1t, wbe.eupon the tramp picked it
up and was raising it to his lips wnen the boy