Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1881-01-31

oooh D1AAuSS: NdGuf IuVS pnun; II
she deusen't she never would have made
munky"
In the first transports of delight the
happy father rushed into the room ex-
claiming, ''I've got a son! It's boy!"
There is a difference between the lips of
young man and the lips of young lady
but sometimes it is mighty small one.
A boy that didn't know enough to join
the Sunday-school week before Christ
mas is the best instance of total depravity
we know of.
A Norristown youth, who was trying to
master bicycle, when asked his age,
said he had seen fifteen summers and
about one hundred and fifteen falls.
Arkansas men are loud sleepers. One
went to sleep in a pullman car, and when
he began to get his work in people turned
out, under the impression that shooting
affray was in progress.
| An anxious man, who saw that his
friend was not gaining health, said, s'Do
! you known that your physician has no
idea of medicine?" Certainly. If he had
l should have been dead long ago."
'My case is just here" said citizen to
lawyer the other day. "The plaintiff
will swear that 1 hit him. will swear
that I did not. Now what can you law
yers make out of that if we go to trial?"
''Five dollars apiece" was the prompt
reply,
A lecturer once prefaced his discourse
upon the rhinoceros with, 81 must beg
you to give me your undivided attention
Indeed, it is absolutely impossible that
| you can form true idea of the hideous
animal of which we are about to speak
unless you keep your eyes fixed on me !''
The New York Graphic makes fun of
| Boston after this fashion: "Boston was
the first solid bit ofground in the universe.
The more intelligent and highly
animals of the Miocene and Pliocene peri
DDS lived at Boston. Here the Pterodactyl
unused over the past and the Mega The
sium pondered the future. The first man
was Boston man. He was developed
from spores out of Boston mud. He took
out patent for himself, so that he could
not be initiated. Boston was vaguely
known to the Greeks. 1t is the real seat
of the fable Atlantis. Moses would have
got to Boston had not the Israelites been
so stupid and obstinate. King Solomon
always had an aspiration to get to Boston
Plato died longing to visit the neighbor
ing groves of Concord, and hold sweet
communion with the Concordians. GaliIee
involuntarily turned the first telescope il
the direction of Boston. The Egyptians
built the pyramids, hoping to see Boston
from their SUBMITS. Diogenes was roll
ing his tub toward Boston when deatl
overlook him."
Itching Piles-Symptoms and Cure
The symptoms are moisture, like per
spiration, intense itching, increased b,
scratching, very distressing, particular,
at night, as if pin worms were crawlin,
in and about the rectum; the private part
are sometimes affected; if allowed to con
tinue very serious results may follow
f'DR. SwAYNE's ALL-HEALING OINTMENT
is pleasant sure cure. Also for tette1
itch, salt rheum, scald head, erysipelas
barber's itch, blotches, all scaly, crusty
cutaneous eruptions. Price so cents
! boxes for $l.25. Sent by mail to any ad
. dress on receipt of price in currency, o
three cent postage stamps. Prepared onl
{ by DIR. Swayne & Son, $50 North Sixth St
Philadelphia, Pa, to whom letters shoul
Q be addressed. Sold by all promineI
druggists. All