davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07
She Had Business With Congress.

"MTHERE'S CongressY I'm look
w ing for Congress" said tall,
one-eyed woman, peering through one
of the doors of the House of Representa-
tive the other morning.. Ia that fellow
with bald head Congress ?"
What do you want with Congress
anyhow" demanded deputy door
keeper, gruflly. Hold on, you can't
go in there"
Z" l come from Bucks county, Pa, to
see Congress, and if you've got it on
draught anywhere around here, / want
some. What's the reason / can't go in
there 7"
"'Cause you can't. Nobody allowed
here but members"
That red headed man with squint
a member 2"
mo; he's one of the members sec
retaries. He has right on the floor"
&C Is that lop-sded chap with wig
one of the secretaries 20
"No; he's friend of member. Had
pass"
What's that bare. legged boy falling
over the back of chairp Has he got
any friends :"
He's one of the pages"
Who's that red-nosed artist with
sore carp Did he have pass Y'
"That's messenger. He don't need
pass"
What's that fellow with his legs on
deskY Is he one of the bosses ?'
He's one of the clerks"
"Any of them there fellows pay any
taxes z"
81 think not. Don't know" said the
doorkeeper, indifferently
" Now, young fellow, you want to
hunt for room to stand in while L bust
oryour friends will think you've been
doing business with steam grindstone
pay taxes on three acres and eight
pigs up in Bucks county, and Pm going
| through this 'ere Congress like contri-
button box through congregation. You
just crawl out of sight if you don't want
your spine to change places with the
next township. Where's the next Con-
gress from Bucks county? Show me
the Bucks county Congress, and If he
don't get bill through this town to
send that hare.lipped old sky rocket,
who wants to foreclose mortgage on
my place, to the penitentiary, he'll wish
he'd been born tree and cut down and
burned up when he was young. Point
out the Congress from Bucks county
before have you inside out, to see how
you're put together. Tell me L can't
go in among lot of clerks, and passes
and pages If there's square foot of
Congress left by the time reach it, it'll
wish it was covered with hair that
comes out without hurting.'
They induce her to leave by telling
her that the member " from Bucks
] county" held its session in the patent
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07
Why He Got no Hair.

ON the front seat of Lincoln avenue
" car going north, yesterday after.
noon, there sat with Ills coat and vest
thrown open and his hat Off fat and
ruddy German whose head was bald IA
an egg -phenomenally bald. lie seemed
to thoroughly enjoy the breeze that
pulled out his garments, and his face
wore an expression OF supreme content
ment. When the car crossed the bridge
there was only one other passenger
aboard. AT Indiana street there climbed
on lean and brisk Yankee fellow with
n most terrific shock OF red hair naring
In all directions from his head. IL so
happened that he sat down In the same
seat with the German, whose shiny
seal Up at once attracted his attention.
He smiled and "hltched" In that dlrec.
tion. Presently he opened fire.
Nice day, isn't ltl"
The German became conscious Of him
for the first time, and answered, volubly:
Vot you tlngk Off man vot gom-
mences conversayshln by delllng lie,
und den askln q question | tondt
tlngk II Is noise tay by any manner Of
meanz. Id lsh doc tam hot. Pesides,
tlngk hofl kot some ltreceps of bowers
OF my own so / can dell vetter It Is u
noise tay or not mldowt some Chimmy
Fresh tell'n me bout It"
You seem to enjoy It all the same"
30, yes. We're dere preezes plows like
here IL Is noise enough. Ven de gar
shtops 1t is hot enough to make cast
iron dog hang out his tongue. let de
preezes plow on my het und den / feel
SOS to be aroundt."
"What's the matter with your head ?''
=" 80 far hef beerd from 1t dere is
holdings de matter. Id scots me und
my family. Id sits square on de neck
bedween dwo shoulders, und dus far i'd
has kot me drough de verlt all right"
" But it's awful bald"
"Only on de owtslde. Inside de het
Is veil shubblied nit mightey goot
article Of prains-breddy veil vurnished.
DE owtside makes no difference
"Guess they didn't have much hair
where yon come from, did they 7"
ANY quandity offit," he responded,
taking "a squint at the flaming locks Of
his questioner. "Any quandity. kess
dey kot more hair dere den anywhere
ellz."
Why didn't you get some of 1t 7"
"Vell i'd vas all ret hair, und dolt
dem to go to grass NIT It,"
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07
Changed His Mind.

An honest German laborer was pass
ing along the street "a day or two ago,
when u small dog rushed out of yard
and bit him on the leg, tearing his
pants and leaving the print of his teeth
in the calf. The German hastened to a
lawyers Office and asked the barrister If
he could not sue the owner of the dog
for damages. The lawyer agreed to take
the case, and made propositions for filing
suit for So 900 damages, alleging that
the dog was ferocious animal, and that
plaintiffs flesh had been terribly lacer-
ated, necessitating the expenditure of
large sums for medical attendance and
for new pair of pants. The client was
directed to go to the house of the owner
of the dog the next day, make demand
for the So 900, and ascertain the name
of the defendant. He called at the
house early the next morning, and
asked for the ''boss." He was some
what surprised when the lawyer pre-
sented himself as the owner of the dog.
The lawyer was no less surprised to
learn that his black-and-tan was the
cause of the trouble, and he informed
the client that suit would not be
maintained, as the injury done was a
mere trifie, and the dog was only in fun.
The result of the conference was that
the lawyer gave the client 65 cents to
pay for patching his pants, and took a
receipt in full satisfaction of all claims
for damages. Both parties were salts
fled, and the courts were spared the
trouble of trying vexatious and costly
damage suit.
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07
A High Old Judge.

GONE very comical yarns are related
- of Eph Clement, commonly called
Yank," of Yank's Station, Lake Big
Ter, well known by all who ever visited
the lake, when he was justice of the
peace of that section few years ago.
Among his other characteristics, Yank
is celebrated for his ability to make
mountain out of molehill, and also for
his philosophical disregard for all the
worldly desirabllities when their acqui-
sition requires the display of any
amount of energetic force.
One time he was trying case involv-
ing considerable sum of money, and,
while the most important witness was
being examined, Yank fell asleep and
began snoring like house a-fire.
"Hello, Jedge" cried one of the in
terested parties, show kin you decide
this case when you amt hearing none
of the evidence Y''
Yank was aroused by this indignant
outburst, and replied:
That's all right; | knew all about
the darned case before 1t kim into this
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07
How 10 Save.

All men and women who work hard
with mind or body are subject to peri
odical attacks of biliousness, which may
end in dlsordered kidneys or liver and
dangerous illness. A so ct. or LOO bot
tie of Parker's Ginger Tonic will keep
these organs active, and by preventing
the attack save you much sickness, loss
of time and great expense. Many fam
lilies are kept in perfect health by using
the Tonic when spring or fall sickness
threatens. Delay at such times means
danger. er.-DetroH Press. See other col
umu. 22lm
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07
Beautifer's.

Ladies, you cannot make fair skin,
rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes with all
the cosmetics of France, or beautifiers
of the world, while in poor health, and
nothing will give you such heath,
strength, buoyaht spirits and beauty as
Hop Bitters. A trial is certain proof
See another column.-T Telegraph. 2S2t
The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1881-06-07

Office, and she departed, threatening to
get the bill dIsposing OF her mortgage
through before she left town, or make
the Bucks county member think
"clder barrel had busted under him lust
as a shot tower fell on top OF him.,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07

would effect to bid good night to an imaginary
old man gong up stairs His good night
would be replied to by the old mans voice so
instantly that the audience had not eyes qrick
enough to catch his mouth moving for the for
nation OF that gradually diminishing echo, and
imagined that the only motion was when he
spoke in his own person with ostentatious alb
sence OF conceament of effort.
Most magicians do more or less in the ven
triloquial way, but few practice enough at it to
become profcients, and even Of those who are
Ventrlioquists alone there are few who do not
seek to conceal their faces from the audience to
as great degree as possible while performing.
ana VINO do not. for the imitation of sounds
other than the human voice, employ adventi-
t,ous aids. The saving of wood. bark of q dog
crow OF cock, neigh of q horse. bird songs,
and many other noises are best initiated by the
adroit use of a bit Of leek stalk. That was
what the elder Hermann used, and we have
never had his equal in this country, especially
In the Imitation of birds. Yes Of course could
teach anybody ventriloquism as there are sew
eral persons in New York who do but any one
possessed of a talent for mimicry who will read
what have told you to-day, and who has no
conscience about. making himself nuisance by
his practice to the section of the community
which he may chance to infest. can become q
ventri'oGust without any teacher, in one
week. Whether he will ever be a good one or
not depends upon the attention he pays to de-
velopmg skill in it. Two things he must re-
member that 'patter' is much and that throw
ing the voice is impossible. If he has humor-
Gus dialect 'patter,' and dash enough to carry
it off. the imaginatiOns of the audience will sup
ply nine-tenths Of his fame as ventriloquist."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
Pretty IHOUSEurOu.n RVrS
Mirror Frames, Little Tables and Wha
Not Cleverly Covered With Flowers.

From the New York Evening Mail.
Some OF the prettiest articles in hand-paint-
ing are the decorated picture frames One
frame is tinted the color Of the blue sky of June
painted with apple blossoms and engraved with
the rhyme:
Merrily, merrily shall live now,
Under the blossoms that hang on the bouyh
Another frame Is painted with tangled Gus
tiers Of pink eglantine against a gold back
ground and another with sprays Of pink and
blue bachelor buttons and yellow butterflies.
The looking glasses, framed in maple or ma
hOgany. are artistcally decorated. beautiful
glass of this kind is framed in gilded wood and
painted on one side with q straying vine of gor-
geous nasturtiums, a few of the gay blossoms
appearing to have wandered over on the beveled
glass. A pretty maple frame is decorated with
purple thistles and green leaves. The motto,
II give back smile for smile and also frown for
frOwn," is sometimes traced on the frame of the
mirror.
Among new articles in plush there are square
mantle valances decorated with clusters of gol-
den Marechal Neil roses and bluebrds Charm
ing little tables in gilt, with plush tops. are
painted with apple blossoms and yellow birds,
or leafess branch of tree with flock OF
snOwbirds A small pair of decorated bellows,
with the words "BlOw wind, burn fire. On one
side of it and a design in flowers on the other,
Is favOrite parlor ornament for the fireplace.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
A Stout Man and a Mouse.


From the Boston Courier.
"What is that?" said Mrs. Timblethorpe, start
ing up the other night and awaking her hus-
band, who was dreaming Of waltzing through
Floridian orange groves. "What is WHAT" he
answered, drOwsily, as he pulled all of the
clothes over on his side of the bed "Why,
that noise" she said in a frightened manner.
81 think it is rat" "Oh, no. was his re-
spouse; there are no rat holes in this house. -
sit might have got in the front door when you
came home, she suggested. Front door, 1id-
dlestlcks" was the answer as he wrapped the
blanket like q martial cloak around him. 81
never saw such man." sObbed she: ''dO YOU
expect me to get up and look for it?' Timble-
thorpe jumped up-a crying woman always
melted his sternest resolutions. 1t was cold for
the season and as yet no fire had been made in
the furnace, and in his thin night dress he
shivered like telegraph pole in gale of wind.
He looked everywhere but could see nothing
and, disguised, put out the light and got into
bed once more. dim sense of warmth beyan
to steal through his chilled frame. and Just then
Mrs. TlmblethOrpe screamed, There it is arain
shall certainly go mad!" sob, it's only mouse
any way" he coOlly rejOined ga mouse wOuld
never make such a noise as that" she gasped
mus appealed to he was brought to his feet
the second time, and after diligent search
found the cat struggling with the smallest kind
OF small mouse in the lover entry. He fired
them both out of the window and has been in
oed ever since. This happened about three
Weeks ago, ana IN the meanwhile being stout
man. he has recast the old adage SO that it
reads: land the mountain labored and hrourht
forth the rheumatism"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
Calling ON Maud s.

From the Cincinnati ENQUIRER.
Yesterday afternoon an ENQUIRER renorto,
paid visit to Maud 8. at Chester Park. The
object Of calling upon the Queen was to settle
rumor that got aloat to the effect that be,
majesty was very sick. The beautiful mare was
found in the field surrounded by the track. She
was alone, and was greediy cropping the grass
AS the reporter and friend approached the
mare she ceased lunching long enough to wall
over to the visitors as though to welcome them
After short talk she resumed her rastronomi.
cal exercises, and it was evident that she was a
mighty healthy animal for sick mare She
looks q little darker than she does when ON tho
track, and, having her winter coat on has
rather rough appearance i'm comparison to her
sleek makeup in the trotting season. Mr.
PhipDs was asked If Maud was sick. and he ra'
piled that she was as well as she ever was in her
Iife ''0'
HAS she any trouble left from her Hartford
accident?"
'sNone in the least"
what was the extent of that accident. any,
how?" "As
81 am Of the opinion that there was No acct
dent at ALL The mare had swelling in ono Of
her legs the day before she left Hartford for Gin.
cinnati. She was on the way two or three flavs
ana by the time she got here the swelling had
entirely disappeared, and tine mare has not been
aiiing since. think that Maud had SLIGHT
touch of the pink-eyer
When win the working Of the mare COM
mence, Mr.. Phipps7n
about the first Of January"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
The MilkMlan.

rom the Boston Transcript.
Who comes at morn with battered quart,
Which holds less LIQUID than it ought?
BY whom is milk and water brought?
The mtlkman.
Who wears on thumb mitten thick?
Who holds it in his quart so slick?
Who measures thumb for milk so Quick7
The milkman.
Who wakens thoughts of gentle kline?
Whose milk comes by the railroad line?
Who skins the cream from it so fine?
The milkman.
Who whitens it with chalk when blue2
Who sweeteDs 1t with sugar? Who
Puts In the aqua para too?
The milkman.
Who keeps behind the kitchen door
HIS ever frightening lacteal score?
VINO chalkS you terra alba for?
The milkman.
Whose cart goes rumbling through the street
Who rOuSes you at times unmeet?
Who wakenS you from visions sweet?
The milkman.
Who VINO, goes about 1T from house to house,
Who maketh everywhere a touse?
The milkman.
In fixing milk who's ne'er behind?
Qn 1t quite many things you'll find).
Who sells it for the udder kind?
The milkman.
Vino pourS his milk from can to can,
According to wel-knOwn plan?
Who is milk-and-Water man?
The milkman.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07

You have all seen the milkman, children; but
ne is nevertheless great curiosity.
| The milkman, in the first place, is very sharp
| at bargain You have to get up early in the
| morning to get the start of him. Even then he
will get the start on you by long chalk.
! The milkman resembles the miner He grows
rich by pounding his quarts. A battered quart
contains less milk but the milk is lust the thing
| for batter pudding.
1t is said that the milkman puts sleeps stom-
| ach in his milk. This makes his milk sheep, but
who can stomach it?
1t is said that the milkman waters his milk,
but this is not true. He simply milks his
water.
When he goes to the pond in the winter and
finds it skinned over 80 much the better.
Skinned water and skinned milk are pecu-
liary fitted to each other
Ice water is best for ice cream
Milk is warm when it comes from the COW.
Some of it comes long way from the cow You
would make it warm for the milkman if Won
knew where it came from.
The milkman who aduterates his milk does
an un-kine deed.
The milkman is an early riser. When YOU
nave to get up OF d cold morning to let him in,
you are an knurly riser, also.
The milkman is a man of mark You will
find his mark on the kitchen door. But his
mark is not a thing to adore.
No wonder he gets rich When he sells Won
one quart he marks down a score.
The milkman who sells poor milk always
turns out bad.
The milkman who puts chalk in his milk
should be careful and not get it chalk-full.
The purified curd of milk is called caseine.
but this is not case in pint-not in the pint
you generally buy. 1t just occurred to us. and
we mentioned it merely as a matter of curd.
See?
1t is the basis of cheese Base ischeese with
out it,
Some persons complain because the milk
man mixes one can of milk with another
They complain without cause. 1t is a case of
six (quarts) In one and half dozen in the
other
The milkman usually rides alone or with a
boy on his wagon. He always, however, has
more than one gallon.
Milk is called tactical fluid because some
families when they do not have it, lack tea all
day.
The milkman does not give his milk awav.
Neither does he travel by the milky way
The milkman makes his coming known by
rap, though his milk is not always worth q
rap.
The milkman is a true blue So sometimes is
his milk.
He is usually quiet fellow, but is sometimes
known by his cream.
He Is not so bad as he is painted If all
were true that has been said of him. one
might believe the milk route the route of all
evil.
Let us bid him good-by, hopingh will always
give us good buy.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
1881

~
1901 PENNSYLVANIA ROUTE 1901
TO The n9kfH MEsT ANP s9oTH"Esr.
sr1rspm DS S b TRACK saEEl Ms ESu,rur,r
TRAINS n Si EJECT N.Y. N EaSh. % ISL
Of sixth ard streets, AZ fellows,
For PitfsbuTg and the West, CHICAGO Limited En-
press OF pullIaan Hotel and Sleeping Cars at 500
an, daily: 1880 am. daily, with Sleeping Cars
from Harrisburg to Cincinnati. st. LOUIS and
Chicago; $50 pm. daily. with Palace Cars 70
BALTIMORE AND POTOMAC RAILROAD
For Canandagua Rochester. Buffalo. Niaxara 500
oe sasydsy With Palace Cars 70 sp sa eu
For Wii.msport Lock Haven and Elmir.. at 1890 Q.
For New York and the East. 90 M. 10 80 m, AGO.
1913 1na Gs os s 81 .S SsS os and
80 9. H. daily. except SUNDAY.
For Brooklyn N.Y. al through trains connect at Jer-
eer Cty with boats of Brooklyn Annex. affordng
direst transfer 30 Fulton street svoading double
ana 1918 pm. On Sunday, 200, $40. 10 90 and
ao,s pm Limited E1IToss. $50 am. daily.
For Baltimore, 40. $780, $50, 10 80 a. m, and 200.
4:2O, 4:46, $40. $50 1000 and lo:I5 pm. on
sunday, 500 1880 an. 2'oo. $40. $50. 1000
For Pores creei Line $40 am and 4.Ao pm daily.
For Annapoils. $40 = IN. and 40 pm daily. except
ALExxSDkiA AND FREDERICKSBURG RAILWAY.
hhk sR p6 ALEXANDRIA AND WASHINGTON
For AisxandHa 30, 7:ao go and i, 40 An
800 90. $40 and IL 30 pm. On sunday 4
r.. $1,000 S;I s:2e and IL 80 = M and 3 70 >; m;
Trains leave AleSsndra for washington. 90. os and
and z an s On sunday and SIS sSs ana q
10 ;oO .; m. zoo and . oS 7. m;
street and Pennsylvania avenue and at ihe depo
where orders be Jeff for the checking u baggage %
destination from B hotels slo and residenees
FRANK THOMSON General Manager. nosaS
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
A Colonel Outranked.

From the Detroit Free Press.
A man doing business on Woodbridge street
west took colOred man into his employ cOu-
pie of weeks ago, and during the conversation
previous to settling terms he remarked:
"When you wish to address me you can call
me colonel"
'Was you kernel in the wah"
s'No matter; you can call me colonel, and
Will give you an extra quarter per week for SO
doing"
"Dat's all right, kernel-I'n arm dat quarter
suah's yer BON"
At the end of the week the laborer hung
around after he was paid off, and was asked if
there was any trouble. He scratched his head,
hesitated and finally said he would explain him
self Monday morning. When Monday came the
employer remarked:
"NOw, then, Samuel what is the natter"
"Nuffin tall, bOss-trOuble all gone"
''Well, what was it,"
"Wal you see, de driver Of a coal cart down
yere diskivered dat wus calm you kernel fur
two shllin's week. What does he do but offer
me fifty cents week to take de kernel off of
you an put it on to him."
And you wanted to do it?'
"Wall, kinder felt dat way. kase Ize work.
ing fur low wages, but 1 saw him Sunday and
fixed it all right"
''HOw?"
'Ize gwine to keep right on CALM you ker-
mel for two shillin's week. and Ize gwine to
call him gineral for seventy-ive cents month!
What shall begin on dis mawnin'. kernel?"
He gets his extra quarter per week right along
but he now addresses his employer as ''boss."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07

MARY, my dear" observed well-known and
amiabie metropolitan politician to his help
meet, as he awakened late one morning during
the recent campaign after . night spent in a
conscientious canvass of the liquor interest In
MS district-"Mary, my dear, get me a large
tumbler, and put into It about half a quarter Of
pint OF whisky and 9 little lemon Juice and
about three drops Of bitters, and ri see Il can
take e, and II can't-make MI"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
A Precedent Wanted.
From the Indian Tirnor

The case of Guiteau should be made lead
Ing one in regard to the plea of insanity. He
should be convicted and hung az warning to
all cranks of his class, and there should be a
new exposition of the law, to the effect that q
man sane enough to plot q crime and plan its
consequences, is sane enough to be hung. re-
CARELESS OF any partial arrangement or mono
mania that might exist.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07

Horses Worth ThOusliads OF Dollars.
New York Letter In the Troy Tifhes.
Conversing with q leading man in this spec
ialty, asked him the highest value set upon
any horse in this country. FIFTY thousand
dollars, was the reply. Ny informant then adj
present is the property of Hickok 4 Morrow.
Santa Claus, owned by William Cole il valued
at $4,000. Personal---very., who was at one time
private secretary OF the notorious ring. values
his Richard Ct 900. Maud s., the property
ct $50 900. 5 : -
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1881-12-07
A Prayer to the Point.

From the Iowa City Republican.
In March, 1858, Rev. Moses Shinn made this
prayer as chaplain of the Iowa House: sGreat
God! Bless the young and growing state of
Iowa; bless her senators and representatives
her governor and state officers; give us sound
currency, pure water and indebted religion
For Chriat's sake. Amen" Mr.. Shnn was
character among early Iowa Methodist preachers
and will be remembered by many of the pioneers
of Iowa.