The Bossier banner., 1881-05-19
I" Funeral Conductors" /"

FOR a PERIOD OF ltty years or more the
undertakers of Michigan were satisfied
to call themselves by that name, and
aspired to nothing above modest offices.
plain windows, a. high death-rate and
| cash customers. Three or four years
ago change began to creep DER their
ranks. Here in the city we saw carpets
put down, desks purchased, plate glass
windows put in, and an attempt to SUR
round the business with style. The in
lection spread, and it was only few
weeks ago that State convention of
undertakers gathered to Eepudiate the
term which their. grandfathers fought
and bled to maintain. We have no
more undertakers. There is no longer
any force to the remark of the man who
said he had run half mile to overtake
an undertaken TO have some undertaking
done for a man who overlook d fatal
fall. Not single undertaken stood up
and battled for the good old name, but
there was division on the. question of
new one. Some thought that ntFu-
neral Furnisher would look well in
gilt letters on a black background.
There were house -furnishers, mill-fur-
nishers, Observation-Disclosures and so on,
and why shouldn't there be Funeral
Furnisherspei;fgy trrn:r..e :rt-,.....
- And yet, when they came to discuss it,
there wasn't quite enough stones to the
term. 1t would be. well enough for, a
grave-digger who had few dollars
ahead, but it lacked length Of coat-tails
for men dealing in caskets worth S4O0
each. g Manager of Obsequies was
then proposed by an undertaken living
In diphtherical district. but that was
going little too far. A stranger. who
should ask the way to Manager Of OBJ
se9uies' shop would raise smile, and
smiles didn't work in with the under
takers business. -iI s3i]3lsTI ao{ =
''Funeral3 Manager n was then pro-
posed, but majority were opposed to
the term manager in any shape. It res.
minded them of theatrical troupes and
opera houses and, play-bills. ".Con-
ductor OF Obsequies was likewise pro-
posed and rejected, and the convention
was in despair when an old bald head,
who has laid hundreds at rest, suggested
!" Funeral Conductor 1t was a hit:
while it might remind some of railroad
trains, yet each human life was but a
train speeding from the cradle to the.
grave. 1t was at once decided ssby a
large majority" to adopt the name, and
to trown down any attempt on the part
OF the public to perpetuate the old term.
Detroit has no more nndertakers. The
costly curtains behind their plate-glass
windows read: Funeral Conductors,
in gold letters and graceful curves.
Their offices are filled with flowers, SAM
pie collins are covered up, and a
stranger would imagine himself in an in
surance .boudpir. We don't like it at
all. but it will be so. We wanted to be
laid away by an undertaken lin plain
black! mild of speech, sympathetic of
soul, and soft of step but change has
been ordered and our ideal will proba-
bly, wear his hat on rake, have flash
tie, sport big seal-ring, and "conduct''
the services with presence stolen from
some actor. Good-by, old undertaken.
We used to take solid comfort in drop
ping in on you and watching the soft
'rublof your hands, the eye which looked
nothing but pity, and the step which had
no jar for sore heart-strings. You had
Grape. and cofiins piled about you, and
one was solemnly warned by the sight
thereof Of the fight of time and the
grand hereafter. You had good word
for all your dead, and you kept the word
/" business" apartfrom the word "afflic.
ton" We shall see you no more as an
undertaken. As a "funeral conductor -
we will bring out our trotter and beat
you best two in three for. oats or hay
Detro1 free Press. iIsti@5 n 9cFos5b