The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1881-04-14
FACETIE.

A pedantic New York saloonist an
nounces 'sCalorified Thomas and Jere-
miah-h
The difference between dancing and
card playing is just exactly the differ
ence between the real and the l deal.
1t is not necessary for a man to keep
his mug at the barber's shop, but he
must take il there to be shaved.
A Georgia man named his mule Lotta,
and the next day it kicked a wagon in
seventeen different directions at once.
ssOh, you be darned,' as the Christ
mas present said when it slipped
through the heel of the hung-up stock
ing.
An Ohio man has taken the small
pox from pet pig. When once this
disease gets into family it is pretty
sure to go through it.
A New York clearinghouse took fire
the other night, and the flames got as
far as the pantry, when they went out
for want of fuel.
Prejudices get into the minds as
easily as rats and mice get into a trap;
and once in the mind, like rats and
mice in traps, they seldom get out.
When an Ohio man told his wife that
he had Just traded for a new spring
wagon, she replied: ''You Ounce, you!
why did you get a spring wagon in the
fall of the year?''
1 have no objeckshun to a man part
ing his hair in the middle, but l shall
alwuz insist upon his finishing up the
job by wearing n short gown and pet
tikoat.-,JOsh Billings.
81 don't so much mind" said Mr..
Henpeck-sI don't so much mind a
woman having mind of her own, eX-
cept that, in such case she usually
takes charge of her husbands also."
..What have you been drinking, or
eating?'' exclaimed his wife, as he
returned late at night. ''Liquor-ish''
he responded, and then he winked at
himself in the dark and breathed thin
till she got asleep.
A colored man went into a Galveston
newspaper Office and wanted to sub
scribe. .How long do you want it?''
asked the clerk. jess as long as it is,
boss. Eff it doesn't fit de shelves, i
can tar piece off myself"
.'Gem'len,'' said the old man, remem-
ber dat it am not safe to form an opin-
ion on stranger by de size of his mouf
or de number of his hat. No person
can tell de number of mules in barn
by looking at the stable door"
'.No, as 1 understand it, these cold
waves come from the vast deserts of
snow in the Siberian plains, and radiate
thence over the globe, but principally
in this direction well, why the
dickens don't they stay there?'' why,
it's too cold, you idiot"
A Bridgeport carpenter, while in a
fit of anger, threw 4 hammer at 4 fellow
workman. and swallowed screw he
had in his mouth. 1t was IN unfortun-
ate affair, but it was better than throw
ing the screw and swallowing the ham
mer-
What lnck did you have fishing yester-
day, breckenridge" asked Il Galveston
gentleman of Il well-known impecunious
character who owes everybody. '.Splen-
did While / was out on the wharf
twenty men with bills called ut my
house. to collect money"
Young mistress Gin utter despair):
"Why, Bridget, what have you done?
company expected any minute and the
cake burned to crisp. It's of no use
now. Throw it in the ash barrel"
Bridget (with the utmost composure:)
'.Shure ma am, / wuldn't fret mysilI
about the loikes o. that, if / wuz you.
Jist give it to the doonation party"
He was a great bore. and was talking
to a crowd about the coming local
election. Said he: .'Jones is a good
man; he is capable, honest, fearless.
and conscientious. He will make the
very kind of an officer we need. He
once saved my life from drowning"
'.Do You really want TO see Jones cleo
ted?'' said solemn-faced old man. Il
do. indeed; I'd do anything to see him
elected" Then never let anybody
know he saved your life.'' The meet
ing then adjourned.