The Portland daily press., 1881-03-31
The Ways of Wash Io.

[Lippincott.l
To lazy Chinaman as to a philosopher, ev-
erything is a matter for marvel. His life is
wondered away by the hour. He picks up
piece of scrap iron in the street, and first he
wonders for an hour what it has been used for,
and then he speculates for sixty minutes con-
cernipg some possible use to which he may
turn it. You step into the post office to mail
letter; he follows you, wondering what you are
going for; you buy stamp, he counts the
change and estimates the cost; you lick it, he
is amazed at the process; you slide the letter
into the box, he catches last glimpse of the
vignette ON the stamp, notices mans head
with attachment of pig-tail, and he goes out
and sits down on the extreme edge of the side
walk and stares at nothing, while he wonders
if that man was Confucius.
Like the proverbial country-boy who has
never left his home. the Chinaman is gawky
and ungraceful in the extreme; but never was
there book agent, one of that class of men
who travel so much, that had more of cold au-
dacity than he. His jocose familiarity is more
than audacious at times-it is insolent. Should
you stop in the street to exchange word of
courtesy with lady friend whom you meet,
John loafs along, his slovenly slippers fapping
at his heels, and suddenly your coat becomes
matter of mighty import to him. So, in his
innocent impertinence he walks around you
and stares, studying it as if he were tailor
and an artist Then, coming nearer to exam
inc the fabric, he does not hesitate to take the
fabric in his hands, pressing it to his palm or
his cheek-of which he has great qnantity-
in order to determine the nature of the text
ure. Now, such hangers-on are not pleasant
to have, albeit they are of celestial origin, as
they boast; the Chinaman Is very good cook
but he is not handsome enough to play the val
ct or footman; to hold up ones skirts in the
| street.
Once an old and toothless child of the sun
entered our camp and inquired, "Who bosses
here?" 1t being supposed that he had vegeta-
bles to selli he was referred to the tent of the
| gentleman in question This he invaded, sidled
up to the occupant slapped him convivially on
the shoulder, and said, "You bossee here?
Bully Shake hand!'' And having paid his
respects in this informal manner, he seemed to
have no further communications to make, but
| began an inspection of our camp furniture,
| which task promised to occupy him the rest of
| the day. Thinking to entertain our high-born
| guest, our musical man sang him the song be-
| ginning-and, it is to be hoped, ending also
with the following lines:
"Pretty little China woman cook little chow-chow
| Live DeS1Q6 q uUtl6 hill, III q uCIle mouse,
| Take little pussy-cat, and little bow-bow,
Cook 'em In a little Kettle with little mousse
"What do you think of that John?''
Heap crazy mani" was the disdainful and
laconic rebuke with which the heathen crushed
| our minstrel
These men are certainly of the lowest and
most ignorant grade at home, and yet there
| are few laundry workers of other mationalties
Irish, German or colored-who can handle
the pen as easily as they WELD the brush. Take
| your weeks linen to one of the houses, and
Immediately one of these inmates seats himself
at desk, dips the brush into the moistened
surface of cake of ink, and with many a
dash and artistic stroke, every one of whose
curves is a line of beauty he makes out a
memorandum of the articles consigned to his
care. These washing-lists, looking so like the
labels on packages of fire-crackers, are greatly
in demand, and are carried away as souvenirs
of travel in Chinatown. Absent fathers send
them home to their children; humorous stu
their old professors, calling them lost manu-
scripts of great archaeological worth; and once
there was an injudicious lover who sent one
home to his sweetheart.
1t was in this way. He was practica! jok-
er, and, having one OF these laundry documents
in his possession, he thought he would have
some fun. So he sprinkled the delicate paper
with sweet essences and addressed it to his
hearts own. With it he despatchedsas letter
in which he said that the inclosed was Chin
ese madrigal, written at his instigation express.
ly for her by one of the greatest of China's
poets, and, further that it was to be read to
slow music from the gentle tomtom, with an
occasional passionate Outburst from the gong
The lady, devoured with anxiety to learn the
sweet words of this mythical message, forward
ed it to a translator wko returned answer
couched in all the cold precision of business
that the writing certified that this gentleman,
the practical joker, had deposited with Mr.
Wash Lo, washerman, one shirt, two collars,
one pair of hose, ct al, and that the same were
to be duly cleansed, ironed and ready for re-
turn ON such dav. 1t is said that the lady's
reply to this practical joker was read without
the assistance of translator, and the tune to
which he read it was dirge over a lost love
This fable teaches us that it is well to reserve
ones practical jokes on ones sweetheart till
after the wedding day.