News and citizen. [volume] (Morrisville, Vt. ;) 1881-current, 1881-12-29
WIT AND WISDOM.

WIZ AND WISDOM.
81 DON'T like that cat; it's got
splinters in its feet" was the excuse of
four-years-old for throwing the kitten
away. =
A SCIENTIFIC man says great noises
will make milk sour. They will also
make the average citizen pretty sour,
especially if they come at night when he
wants to sleep. p.-Boston Post.
AT THE art exhibition the other day
an amateur connoisseur was heard to
exclaim: "The idea of the critic of the
Herald saying that this picture lacks
breadth. Why, it's yard wide if it's
a foot"
A MEDICAL certificate is among the
treasures of the London General Post
office, -1uardAa as follows: "This is to
certify that attended Mas. ---fa her
last illness, and that she died in conse-
quence thereof. "-Sdturday ReViea0.
"THE HANDsoMEsT woman in Amer
lea, +" in suing a railroad company, al
legged that her neck is permanently dis
figured. She sues for S., 900, so it isn't
"neck or nothing" with her.-LosOeK
Citizen.
SOMEBODY HAS started the rather i'm
probable story that bug is now eating
up the anthracite coal crop. If that
bug would set to work and eat up the
men who charge $3.50 ton for the
same, it would please us better.-Ars-
drea0s's Queen.
HE-May I call you Revengep She
Why? He-Because "Revenge is
sweet" She-Certainly you may;
provided, though, you let me call you
Vengeance. He-And why would you
call me Vengeance She--Because
Vengeance is mine"
THOMAS SoHoFIELD, aged ninety-one
years, walked nine miles to renew his
subscription to New London paper. It
is the general impression among pub
fishers that there are number of sub
cribers who are waiting until they are
ninety-one years old to come and pay
for their paper.-Dar16ury Nea0s.
The BEST sermon in the world never
yet reconciled the proud man, trying to
curl his feet up and out of sight under
the pew, to the painfully obtrusive and
evident fact that the wife of his bosom
had used his blacking brush to polish
the kitchen stove.-BurIington Hack
eye.
"WHEwl Coming up these stairs
takes the wind out of me-" remarks
the gentleman who climbs to the edi-
torial rooms to give advice about rum
ming the paper. $50 glad," says the
editor, shaking him by the hand, and
the gentleman thinks the editor is de-
lighted to see him. m.-Boston Globe.
''WHAT do you mean by disturbing
me at this hour of the night?" said an
Austin doctor angrilH- to negro who
woke him at three O'Clock IN the norm
ming. "T jess allowed, boss, dat yer
was SO busy yer didn't hab timeter tend
ter poor folks in der day time, so I
lowed I'd jess drap in after supper
Teras Siftin9s.
"WHY is lady unlike a mirrorp ?"
asked cynic of a lady. She "gave it
up" because" said the rude fellow,
"a mirror reflects without speaking; q
lady speaks without refecting." every
good" said she, ''now answer me. Why
is man unlike mirror ?" ''I cannot
tell you" because the mirror is pol.
ished and the man is not"
"WHEN go forth into the broad field
of nature" said lecturer the other
evening. "You generally find room
enough for your feet to turn around"
piped up small boy in the front row.
The conventionalities of the occasion
did not allow of the speaker swinging
his boot in the direction of that boy.
This accounts for the present good
health of the boy.-ToM WEAVER.
THE Girl has pretty Eyes and Red
Lips. She is Going to Take Walk in
the Star Lit Glen where the Cricket
chirps in the Hedge and the Jiggers
play in the Grass. William is going to
Walk in the Glen, too. He will Meet
he Girl, and they will Talk about the
Weather. We wouldn't Give a cent tor
hat Piece of Court Plaster on the
9irl's chin by the time the Girl gets
Back home.-DenUer Primer.
THE inability of lawyer to answer
question directly is illustrated by re-
ent exchange of letters between the
Jhicago lawyer, Emory A. Storrs, and
riend. The latter asked Mr.. Storrs
whether his first name was Emery" or
Emory, and Mr.. Storrs began his reply
y saying: "My signature hereunto ap-
ended will settle the and o question"
nd then he wrote three pages about
ocial and political matters, at the end
+ which were these words: "Yours.
ruly, e. Storrs." - Ne,0 Hdeeu
PegiSter.
GATHER" said Johnny, "what is
og? ga log, my son, /" replied Brown,
tealing a hasty glance at Mrs. B., to
ee if she was listening for his answer,
"a log, my son, is a big piece of wood
r timber. Why do you ask, Johnny ?"
Tt tells in this story about heaving the
og, and it says the ship went fourteen
nots an hour. What does it mean by
nots, father? ?" "Knots, Johnny-knots?
Why, you have seen log-almost
lways covered with hknots-haven'tyo your
Veil, that's what it means-fourteen of
hem-the ship got by fourteen of them
n an hour. That's all, Johnny" said
Ir. Brown, with sigh of relief that
% had got out of it SO easily.