The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1881-10-18
Laramie Boomerang.l

Laramie Boomerang.]
To the Department of Justice, Washington,
DC;
Several months ago / resigned as Uuited
States commissioner of this judicial district.
The government did not accept my resignation,
thus tacitly asserting that there was no one
who was considered competent to take my
place in holding up this corner of the national
fabric.
now once mora resign. l do not do 1t be-
cause 1 am displeased with the government,
or because am mad, but because l do not
care for public life. There is no reason why
the government and myself should not con-
tinue 10 be friends, but under the new regime
for United States commissioners of district
courts L am compelled to retirefrom the official
capacity which have long filed with SO much
skill ond credit, both to. myself and the United
States.
The department of justice now requires me
to furnish detailed statement each month, of
all the business done by the commissioner,
with his official certificate attached. l am
also required to keep large volume in my
Office as a record of United States cases ex-
amined by me. / am to do this at my own
expense in order that the honor and high
moral tone of the nation may remain un-
smirch d.
All these requirements could of course
comply with, but am cursed with the hor7i-
bic apprehension, that in the future shall be
required to do more and more of this till the
expense will be more than can meet. 1
could now of course, get little chores to do
around town, enough for necessary funds to
buy the records, etc., but before another year
the government may require me to buy
marble top centre table, aud two or three
paintings by the old masters, in order to give
the popular amount of terror to the United
States criminals. This would compel me to
go without a new overcoat and underclothes,
Of which am sadly in need. | bad hoped
that with the financial prosperity of the past
year, there would be one case, at least for ex-
animation, from which / could realize SIX or
seven dollars, and which would ease this
bra, ella of the department of justice, temporari-
w. bui have been disappointed all the way
through. / could squeese along without the
oyercoat in order to get the required record
this winter, but the underclothes L feel as
though ought to have.
might die suddenly while ON the bench,
and il would sound harshly if the Geographic
dispatches were to state thatwhen the post NOR
tenn was held the jury found verdict that the
posture and temporary stagnation in under
clothes
Our winters here are quite severe. and if the
department of justice should some day require
me in my official capacity to buy an upright
piano and keep it on file, would have to
clothe my self in my answering integrity and
a pair OF gold-bowed eyeglasses.
There is no question about the air of cheer
fulness that piano would give to my office, es-
pecially If lady were to be tried on some
charge or another for she could bang an over
ture out of the instrument while waiting for
the United States attorney to come, and it
would help to kill time, but the court would
either have to lock itself in an adjoining closet
till the defendant had gone, or ash her to loan
him her shawl during the trial.
You will see from these suggestions whittier
we are drifting.
[ will now turn over the Office to the depart
ment II consists of pine box with some spec
linens of secondhand chewing tobacco preserv-
ed in sawdust, and a bald-headed feather dus-
ter The department will please receipt to me
for these archives, as l desire to have every
thing done correctly and with the usual
amount of precision and delay.
The United States in my resignation sustains
a loss which it can ill afford and the national
snpersructure becomes almost tottering
wreck. The popular man may be raised up
for this crisis, but it is not at ali probable.
DIR. Tanner would be good man. 1 simply
throw this out as suggestion.
Still he would require clothes l hadn't
Ii is very seldom that you find man with
the happy union of qualifications necessary for
this office. You may secure a man who can
live ON the delightful climate and what cold
food he can secure among he neighbors, but he
is liable to have an ungovernable appetite for
clothes, while on the other hand, yoE m ind
a man who is the exact vice versa, or whatever
yon may call it, of the other man.
You will perhaps wonder at the delay of my
last monthly report, but it is easily explained.
The man who promised that ne would come
before me in August and acknowledge deed
and pay me TWO bits for it. came to me in Sep
TENDER and told me that he didn't make the
sale Of properly that he anticipated.
now resign.
Congress may take such action in acknowl-
edgment of my past services as it may see
fit
Whatever appropriation is made will be
thankfully received and receipted.
would also receipt my winter pants at the
same time.
/ find that can starve to death jast as sue
cessfully in journalism as 1 can in my official
capacity, and hope that the government will
not feel hurt over my course.
Handling the amount of money that have,
being United States commissioner. has been
terrible strain on me, and | resign before it
is too late. .HrsE
resign while have the manhood still
left to overmaster my fendish desire to en-
beZzle the coal hod and the front door of the
office.
Hoping that 10 further explanation will be
necessary, subscribe myself.
Yours, With moderate amount of hrmness
and passionate yearning for grub.
BILL NYE.