Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1881-07-02
July 2, 1881.
SPOOPENDYKE.
Jyhv He and His TFlfc Didn'; Go to TIE
Masquerade.


"Sly. nv dear" said Mr. Spoopcndyke,
"a he hurried in. hot and breathless, late
from his business. "did you get me fancy
dress for the masquerade tonight"
CTS all ready replied Mrs Spoopen
dyke. beaming. You 90 as-let me sec.
90 as q Spanish guitar girl, and you 60 as
-as-its either Louis NV, or Oliver
Cromwell, or Sir Robert Burns, I've forgot
ten which the nan called it."
4 DO, do u" said Mr.. Spoopendyke, ela-
ring around q 90 rs one Of en-, do II.
As they are all dead, and as | will do iorall
three, p'raps you'il get me coffin. Show
me the coffin. Fetch out the interconverti-
BE cataialque and help me onwith 1t. Has
it got sleeyes?'
at isn't cof!in,' explained Mrs. Spoop-
endvke. is n doublet and
ITS Z doublct, is it? Well, that relieves
me of one of 'em. thought from the way
YOU spoke, Mrs. Spoopendyke, it was trip
let. Is there trousers with it? Got
shirt? told YOU to get me n bandit suit,
didn't I? Fetch out this Cromwell business.
Show me this man Burns Any sword go
with it?"
Ms. Spoopendyke brought forth worn
red velvet Jacket. trimmed with furnished
braid. and pair Of yellow velvet knee
hreeches. slashed up the sides. This she
supplemented with felt hat and pair of
iack-hooN armed with spurs.
"Maybe its a bandit suit after all" she
suggested. ,.
(Which is the Louis XIV end Of this
thnc?" demanded Mr.. 6poopcndyke:.
"Where does the Oliver Cromwell part be
gin? Show me the Burns element on the
schedule. If I'm going to get in this thing
chronologically must begin with the mca-
sly king and wind off with the dodgasted
poet; which is the king part?" and Mr..
Spoopcndyke shot out of his business suit
and drew on the velvet trousers. " Where's
the rest of emp" he demanded, surveying
the expanse of unclothcd limbs. This
whole thing is only one leg. Where's the
pa;r for the other leg? Give me some trou-
scrs," and Mr.. SPoopendyke scowled Il
bout him.
"Don'tthc boots comeup and meet them?"
asked Mrs SpooPcndyke, in sofae trepida-
ton.
Mr. Spoopendyke pulled on the boots,
but still there was an exposed space OF near
ly foot.
al s'pose this bareleCged arrangement Is
the Burns part, grinned Mr.. SpOopendykc.
Gle was a Highlander, and this much OF
me IS Burns Show me the Cromwell part
now. Is that hat it?" and Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke nut on the hat and breathcd hard:
'|Where's the rest of me? My head and
legs are all right; bring out my back ana
stomach !"
Mrs. Spoopendyke handed him the jack
ct, and he plunged into it with jerk.
"That's what YOU wantedT' he howled.
" "C0uldn't Won make morc'n three epochs
of me? Didn't the man have but three
historical dates? Pull that jacket down
couple of centuries, can't ye? Don't you
see the bottom of the dod-gasted thing. Is
two hundred years from reaching the waist
band of the Burns brecchcs?" and Mr.:
Spoopcndyke tugeed at the abbreviated
coat and snorted with wrath.
"Maybe that was the way it was meant
to 60" argued Mrs. Spoopcndyke. !
saw
you sawed off the coat and pants now
s'pose vou saw off a rod Of this hat and
pa.ch 'em out again Z" And Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke thrust his arm to the shoulder through
the covcnanters hat, and split the coat 0i
the lamcntcd Louis from tail TO collar band.
"Look out for some Scotch romance! and
he ripped off the pants and fired them into
the crate "Hcre comes another page III
the annals Of crimcw and the boots went
ont of the window.
"And wc-can't go-go to the mas
masquerade at all?" sobbcd Mrs. Spoop-
endvkc.
"Write an cpitaph on The back Of my
neck. and III go Is tombstone! yawy-
ned Mr.. Spoopcndyke. Put three bells
in nv side and n torn stair carpet on my
back. and I'll 90 rs n French Hat llis-
charge the hired girl and get up cold din
ner. and I'll 30 rs a boarding house! Bul
if vou think I'm going to any measly mas
qucradc in bare legs, like baby, and bare
backed like q circus, Just to advertise
hymn book. 4 gin mill, and broad-aN iac-
tory. you're left, Mis-. Spoopendyke. You
hear me? You're lcftw And Mr.. Spoop-
endvEe drew on his night shit.
"Its too awful mean for anything, mused
Ms S;poopcndyke, rs she laid away the
Spanish guitar girls costume, and warm
ed IN her crimping-pi " tried TO get
something that would suit him, and he
don't appear pleased with H. Another tiine
I'll ect him a sheet and pair OF socks, so
he can he a Roman senator, and II he Is
disappointpd and tears 'cm mp II wont cost
50 much" With which profound reilcc-
tion Mrs. Spoopcndykc said her prayers,
and planting her cold feet in Mr.. opoop-
enkdye's back, sank gently to rest.
s