Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1881-10-14
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Yes, sir, replied the clerk, II dakes
her oud sometimes ven l don't got noding
to do.''
''Vell, you must keep on daking her oud,
because she vas velty, you know, und you
don't find dem often desc days. Ven vas
making love NIT my wife, Leah Heidenhei-
mer, I hat great deal of drouble, but
nefer veakens. Old man Moses Heiden-
heimer's blaze vas in de country aloud Won
mile from Vicksburg. und I used to go
oud dere to see Leah. Won day vile vas
baying visit to Leah her leedle broder
Levi come running in de house to his ia
der und says. PA, de old prindle cow has
proke de fence all down und vas in de field
NIT de corn. 1 drinks it will make good
IMPRESSION On de ole man Heidenheimer,
und says, Misder Heidenheimer, you sday
in de house und I will drive de COW away
Leah she says, 'Misder Hoffenstein, you
better had keep away from de cow, she
will chase you all around Meier mind,
Miss Leah says, Il nefer get scared in
anyding.' Und ven STARTED oud to de field
old Moses Heidenheimer dells me to bust de
cow.vide oben NIT sdick, und says L will
Laedle Levi Heidenheimer comes along NIT
me, und ven got we're de COW vas 1 drinks Of
vat man dells me yonce, und dot vas to
look at Wild beast in de eye und .frown und
it will run away. Herman, venefer man
dells you dot you dell him he vas liar. l
looked at de COW und frowns, but she
don't do holdings. l gets leedle closer
und l frOWns some more, und vat you
dink De next minute de cow runs a!
me. Shust as [ turns around myself TO
get oud of de way de COW hits me NIT her
head. My GRACIOUS Herman, it vas
derrible, und for avile drinks dot my head
vas in New Jersey and my legs vas in DIT
Rocky Mountains. De cow hits me
couple Of dimes more NIT her head, und
gets up und runs faster den | efer did, und
de cow comes rigid alder me. At last
gets to belslmmon sapling vot vas no
larger den my arm, und L vent up de sap
ling. Veil, Herman, it vas an hour before
got down from we're | vas, und Leah und
all uf dem laughed aloud it, but | shust
keeps on making love nit her undil We vas
married. Recgollect, Herman. vile You
vas gourting Rachel Goslinsky don d get
Discouraged. A weak heart nefer wins
noding.''
Now SQUIRM, OLD NATUR. IA
stingy Christian was listening to char
ty sermon. He was nearly deaf, aud WIS
accustomed to sit facing the congregation
right under the pulpit, with his ear-trump-
ct directly upward toward the preacher
The sermon moved him considerably. Al
one time he said to himself. "l'll give ter
dollars, again he said, "I'll give fifteen. ,
At the close of the sermon he was nue.
moved and thought he would give fifty
dollars. Now, the boxes were passed. As
they moved along his charity be IAN to ooZe
out. He came down from fifty o .enty
to ten, to five, to zero. He concluded that
be would not give anything. Yet h
said, s'this won't dol am in Il bad Tx
my hopes of heaven may be in this ques-
ton. This covetousness will be my ruin
TIE toxes were getting near and nearer
The crisis was upon him. Whatshould III
dor The box was now under his chin, all the
congregation were looking. He had been
holding his pocket book in his hand dur
ing this soliloquy, which was half audible.
though in his deafness he did not know
that he was heard. In the agony of the
final moment he took his pocket-book and
laid it in the box, saying to himself as he
did it, Now squirm, old natur!''
A HUSBAND WHO LAUGHED.-Several
men were making purchase in Michigan
avenue store yesterd ay when man who
had been looking out of the window for
some time turned and said:
swell, that's bad case"
'sWhat is it?'' inquired two Or three at
once
s'Well. [ don't know who is the hus-
band of this woman out here in the wag-
on, but if were he l would go across the
street and smash that fellows head
''Why?"
''Why. because he has been work ing
like beaver for the last half hour to get
up Irritation with her,
At this, one of the men began to chucke.
Then the chuckle ran into laugh and
whats the matter with you ?'' was
asked.
''Why, I'm-I'm that woman's hus-
band
Are you? And you are laughing over
the filtration ~
81 can't help it., :" he said as he went
off into another fit. ''Just think of him
flirting and strutting up and down and
doing the purity when the old woman out
there has been stone blind for seven years
-ha hal ha!"-Detroit Free Press
Gentlemen of the jury" said an Irish
lawyer, sit will be for you to say whether
the defendant shall be allowed to come into
curt with unblushing footsteps, with
cloak of bypocricy in his mouth, and draw
three bullocks out of my clients pocket
with impunity."
''Why dost thou soar, my love ?' sings
Celia Thaxter in an exchange. Probably
it is because he has been trying to mount
the fiery, untamed bicycle, Celia 1t will
make any man sore.
One hundred head of cattle was the
amount involved on the result of recent
rxas horse-race. This is the largest beef
q on record.