davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
Il delirous Yanktown reporter
Has been piching into the Shorter.
We Ind he's the man
who adopted the plan
AFTER A COMPETENCY AND \
WIFE.

He was, perhaps, twenty-e'ght years
old. tail, straight and handsome, but
seedy withal. He bounded nimbly MP
stairs into the Nashville Banner editorial
room and stood bowling before the city
editor. "lIow are you, have a chair!'
said the news man.
''Bonour, monsieur" he sand.
"Look here, don't want any French
airs around here. II you've got any
business on hand spit it out~
II am no Frenchman, but can speak
the language with tolcrable hnency. !
also speak Italian and German ] speak
Elglish better want to speak TO You
in that tongue. am, Just now, dead
broke. am tired Of tramp'ng around
the country and want t" settle down,
but can't. 4 man can't settle down on
| nothing. He must have money, but ]
| have little scheme. on which, with
your assistance. think ] can gam II
competency. and not only competency,
but wife,
"What is your little game =
at is this. | am educated, accom-
plishcd, and possess some cheek. lwant
YOU to insert IN advertisement in your
paper and secure me the position OF
coachman III some wealthy family in
| which there il a daughter"
ooh. | begin to see your scheme
Once in position Of this kind, don't
YOU see how easy it will be tor me TO cap
tivate the daughter with my French and
parlor accomplishment while driving
| her around the streets, and-welI, | see
the light is beginning to dawn upon yonl
feeble intellect. It's quite the rage now
for wealthy ladies to el0pc with thci
coachmcn. DO this for me, and I'll no
forget you in the hour of my triumph"
He arose as he said this, and move'
toward the news man, adding, In tn
meantime. lend me quarter, and afte
bunch, will write out the advertise
ment.'
And he borrowed II quarter and wen
ont
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

A Cough, Cold or Sore Throat should be stop.
ned Neglect frequently results in an lneura.
Die Lung Disease or Consumption. BROWNS
BRONCHIAL TRocnEs are certain 10 gire relieJ in
Asthma Bronchitis Coughs, CataTrh, Consump.
ton and Throat Diseases For thirty years the
troches have been recommended by physicians,
and always give perfect satisfaction. They are
not new or untlicd, but having been tested by
wide and constant use for nearly an entire gen
Grafton, they have attained wel.meritcd rlnI;
among the few staple remedies of the age. Put
lie Speakers and Singers use them TO clear ant
strengthen the Voice Sold at % cents boy
everYwhere.
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

VI Z
There has been q teud Of long standing
between two Galveston darkies. They
were continually fighting and quarrcling
Not long since one Of then died, and, to
the astonishhent Of the colorcd popula-
ton, the other one attended the funeral.
After the funeral services were over the
Rev. Aminldab Bledso, of the Blue Light
Colored Tabernacle, met the surviving
enemy and said, impressively I: IL was
much pleased to sec yer at dc obsequies
Of yore ole enemy. Hit does credit to
de goodness OBJ you're heart. Hit shows
dat yer don't carry yore presentments
beyond de grave. Everybody is praisin'
yer for yore goodness" II dunno abont
dat ar had to lose half days work
attendin' dat or funeral, and dc Bible
says, 'Bizness fnst and pleasure after
ward, and tuck de pleasure fust and
did my work afterward. ] reckon
ought to be ashamed of myself
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
EXTRAORDINARY SEEDS.

Our readers should not fail to test the
wonderful seeds advertised in our paper
under the head OF ''The Farmers DO
nanza." While the claims for them APP
pear exaggerated, they are endorsed by
some of the highest authorities OF the
agricultural world, and they certainly
deserve fair trial both as cnriosities
and valuables.
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

4 FAST LoCOMOTlvE.--The locomotive
which is to make ninty miles in ninety
minutes. between New York and Phlla-
delphia. has been finished at Altoona;
and made trial trip, in which mile
was made in 50 many seconds less than
a minute that the engineer said he could
make the ninty miles in less than ninety
minutes and leave the furnace doors
Notwithstanding
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

a good parson, who had the happy
faculty of saying kind word for every
body in whose behalf one could possibly
be said recently ofticiated at the funeral
of % farmer who was known to be the
meanest and most misery man in the
neishborhood. Instead Of cxecratlng the
deceased for his extortionate and mig
gardly habits, this kindly disposed cler-
gyman simply spoke Of him as "the best
arithmetician in the county."-CatskiI]
Recorder
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
nWsll. We purport to BE- Democratic,

"Wsll, We purport to be Democratic,
but men makes . difference. Itdepends
on who's nominated. We supported
Klingman for City Marshall though he's
q Republicans We said. While the
Radical party is pig headed as u freight
mule on oil questions Of Importance yet
we have q pledge from Tom Klingna'i
that he will not use the Office Of Mar
shall to effect the tariff, and We will bet
four hundred and fifty thar he will 50
through the canvass, as the coroner goes
through the pockets Of dead niger,
Klinginan put up pretty well and ! stood
to win on the racket"
81 suppose your paper Is confined to
local matters. You don't do much in the
way OF literature" said the Eagle, by
way Of keeping up the conversations
There's where you're on your back
again, 1t comes high, hut our people
must have It, See this story from Har-
pers boiled down to q half column, but
| it gives all tho facts. Then here's a
poem by my daughter She's power
full Singer when she's fed up to it.
Boiled beef sets her going and u bottle
of beer tetches the balance. How does
this strike You This is hcrn. It's
called ode to Night
The evening for her bath Of dew
| Is partially nndressed
The sun behind bobta flush
| Ia setting In the West
| The planets light the heavens with
The flash of their cigars
| The sky has put its nj ht shirt on,
| Aud huitone1 1t with stars
/ love this iimid shrinking Night
Its shadows aud its dews;
! love the considerations bright,
| so old and yet 70 new
| I love night better than the dav,
For people looking Oh
| Can't see me skInning round to meet
NV own, my darling John
"You don't get any better truck than
that in the East. Yon see, our people
have got to have the first crop or bust.
1t liyensa paper up, too, this poetry,
and its fat for the printers. Here's n
little thing | dashed right of on the
Yanktown indicator for claiming that
swindled the government on u hay
contract;
"a delirous Yanktown reporter
Has been pchng into the Shorter.
We lind he's the man
Who adopted the plan
10 kill his wife rather'n support her.
| "IIe amt been seen since. Well, pard
! must get out on the trail. If you're
ever ont Deadwood way drop down the
chimney and see me. You might as
well put me on your exchange list, and
ifyou ever pick up an item you cant
use, drop me line and I'll pay you q
little something SO ong."-Brookly1
| Eagle,
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

KEEP YOUNG.

Don't grow old and rusty and cross,
afraid OF nonsense and fun. Tolerate
the follies and crudities of youth. Gray
hair and wrinkles You cannot escape, but
you need not grow old in feeling unless
you choose. And so long as yonr age is
only on the outside, you will win in con
fidonee from the young, and find your
life all the brighter for contact with
theirs. HIT yon have too many grave
thoughtsstoo many weighty anXieties
and duties too much to do to make this
trihing possible, You say. The very rea-
son, my friend, why You shoulder cultivate
fun, nonsense, lightness Of heart-be-
cause You need them SO much, because
you are weary Of thinking" Then dc
try to be young, even ifyou have to be
foolish in so doing. One cannot be wise
all the time.
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

my wife got mad-torribly mad--at
me last night" said Ragbag. "she
threatened to leave nc and sue for
divorce. and, by Jove, was awfully
scared, for think she meant it. But
had presence Of mind. said hoped
she would, begged, implored her to do
so, and then she swore she'd stick to
me till death, just to spite me. A wo-
man is q curious critter to manage,
anyway
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
WEARING or THE GREEN"
,,xvs prsrpcrryLLY DEDICATED TO THE NEW
YORK LpelsLAruin gY JOHN J. DAILY.


---------
We send canting words Of comfort
10 the kinsmen OF the Car,
Yonr hearts are sorcly troubled
BY the Pera.Chilian war;
We have sympathy for Cubans,
In their struggle for the right
But We roll your eyes In horror
At an Irish landlords fright
Tho he be hniaan demon,
Grinding tenants to the dust
Searching 'Inongst poor Erin's dangsters
For some victim 10 HIS lust,
Or rasipg low the roof-Tee
That had sheltered Pat tbro' liteI
Making homeless father, mother
Frightened little ones and wife.
rho he seized from starving Children
Zen their food the stranger sent,
Or the pulling infants cradle
TO pay his cursed rent
Ye were mute, or cold or careless,
While poor Paddy's brain was cr'sed'
Mid his misery and famine,
Iest his rem, should still be raised
All We cried aloud with horror
When the landlords came 10 grief
Though your canting CAB and snivei
Could give Boycott no relief.
And your blood from Tory sircs--
That I'm sure flows in each VEIN
Grew quite chilled ut deeds so daring
Az to give their lordships pam.
Yc dare mate the name of Lincoln
with the dead Car of the Russians
We send maudlin congratulations
70 the Kal.clo the Russians
Why no, to your resolution
This outpouring OF your souls
Add q poscript 10 Siberia,
70 be read amongst the Poles,
We have mercy for the Zulus,
We have pity for the Turk,
Yo applaud the warlike Afghans'
Or the gallant Beers work
But when Erin, nj whose yitals
Gaunt famine grimly gnaws,
Strikes blindly for her hcorthstones,
Then yoprotc about TIM Laws
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
TRUH JoUnNALlSM.
Meridian Mercury.

That which IN old Roman writer sid
of historian, that "he should never
dare to speak falsely, nor fear 70 speak
what is true, nis equally applicable to',the
editor ofa newspaper, who Ia the histori-
an Of passing events. Indeed heis much
more than this; he Is the guardian OF
public liberty--the censor Of public NOR
OILS, the protector Of innocence, and the
friend ofjustice and worth, and public
instructor, hence, The should never dare
to speak falsely, nor fear to speak what
Is true" The press has suffered mark
ed declension in the matter Of indepen-
dence since the war, that has greatly
detracted from its influence with the
masses and diminished its power Of con-
troll over public men. Republican news
papers conceive it to be their highest
duty to berate Democrats and praise
and white-wash their own party leaders,
while Democratic newspapers rarely
touch Oh the errors OF their own leaders,
or expose the trickery Of aspirants for
Office. This is justified on the plea that
ut Is wrong and naughty to tell tales
out of school" but this plea is unsonnd
nj the core. Even churches are apt to
act on this false and delusiye plea, and
TO cover up tho sins Of members, to the
damage ofreal religion.
Having worn the editorial harness on
orr back from early manhood, it is bnt
natural we should feel a lively interest
in preserving the usefulness, dignity and
independence of the press, and in pre-
venting it from sinking into mere
caudal appendage of schemlng and I'M
scrupulous politicians and greed gripping
corporations, to be waggcd ut their
pleasure or into the putier OF fast girls
and ambitious men with no brains in
their heads. The dignity of the press is
| mart of its sef,ilness--while its indie
pendence is it's firmest hold on the pe0-
| ple. Why should respectable news
papers devote entire columns to the ar
rivals and departures of all the noodles
in the town where itsinsides are put and
stitched up? Why should it announce
the birth of all the babies and caper and
cayort over few sheets of wedding
cake. sent as u bribc, to the editorY Nc
decent paper announces the reception OF
a few slices of wedding cake from the
shoddyites, who conld not dream OF IN
viting the editor, or chronicles the pres
ent as cheap hat from merchant
who wants a puff. These things ar'
mean and undigniiied. They bclittl'
newspapers and degrade editors. lh'
trouble is, many newspapers, with pat
ent outsiders do not pretend to have ed
jtors. there are no brains in the concern
and no sense of feeling or the dignity
independence ana usefulness ofth press
Formerly, newspaper could no NOR
get along without an editor, than maj
could without head--now, a putfcr ant
local itemser, and patent outside, "fil
the bill.n We appeal to our brethren O
Mississippi to keep up the tme-honore
fame of the press of our State, and eve
to raise il to the higher path for mani
dignity, dauntless independence an
knightly courtesy.
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

A little miss has u grandfather who
has taught her to open and shut his
crush hat. The other day, however, he
came with an ordinary silk one. Sud
denly he sees the child coming with the
new stoyepipe wrinkled like an aceor-
deon. "Oh, grandfather she says,
.tthis one is very hard : Pve had to sit
on IT, but can't gee it more than halt
shut
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
Reeds Gilt Edge Tonic cures Dyspepsi
Logical Sequences.

The Gazette Milwaukee, Wis, says Head.
aches, bilious disturbances and Indigestion are
logical sequences of excess in eating and drink
ing" and that Warmers Safe Remedies are q
safe Culp for all these
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

1t is not necessary, says an exchange,
to search the rocks for the antedelnyian
man he is here. and can be found in
the store that don't advertise.
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

SIS that mule tamef" asked a farmer
of an American dealer in domestic quad
rupeds. Hes tame enough in front,
answered the dealer.
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

deacon" said the widow, MS she gen
thy heavcd a long-drawn sigh, and soft
~ raised two tear-beiewelel eyes to his,
."don't you sometimes have a yearnlng
for the sweet companionship ola kin
bred soul to share the joys and sorrows
that walk twin-like with us through all
the varied scenes of life |" "Well,
widow" sighed the deacon in reply,
"l've kinder had a yearning all the eve
MIN, but thought maybe it was them
cold beans eat for supper"
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16
Mothers. Mothers. Mother. /!


Are you disturbed at night and broken
of your rest by sick child suffering
and crying with the excruciating pain
of cutting teeth? IF 10, go at once and
get bottle of Mrs. WrNsLow's SooTn-
ING SYRUP. 1t will relieve the poor
little sufferer immediately-depend upon
it; there Is no mistake about it. There
IS not u mother on earth who has ever
used it, who viii not tell you at once
that it will regulate the bowels and give
rest to the mother, and relief and health
to the child, operating like magic. 1t
is perfectly safe to use in all cases, and
pleasant to the taste, and is the pre-
scription of one Of the Oldest and best
female physicians and nurses in the
United States, Sold everywhere. Is
cents q bottle. lnely
Louisiana capitolian. (Baton Rouge, La.) 1879-1881, 1881-04-16

See the advertisement Of tho \. 4.
Jewelry Company nnder above heading.
70 introduce their goods and influence
Southern trade, the Company makes
some very liberal Offers which will be
Withdrawn soon, and therefore oil will
do well to order Of once, and get the H.
test styles in the jewelry line.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1881-09-20

sin, chimea in the deep. ifoafse voice
of tile old seaman. sstilat he viii never
leave chat bed but TO be sewed up In bis
hammock. Look here,r and the old
man raised his hand and pointed to
one small, dark spot on the water
.sthat is sure sign of death. !"
The soldiers looked.
s.FaIih and I4lon't see anything but
an empty bottle the steward has thrown
overheard
ssThat is no bottle" answered the
gray-headed mariner, with the low, inn
pressive voice of ssthat is
a shark, and it is its fin that you see
above the water. As sure as we three
stand here, Palmer is a doomed men.
Those creetnrs well know the smell OF
death; he Is waiting for your COM
rade.' 1a
"a shark sharkr' now burst from
fifty voices.
Hooks were baited. but to no pur-
pose; he was not hungry, and would
take none of them.
SAY, ay, you may try, you may try"
cried the same old man-sshe is wait
ing for daintier food than that He
smells a CORPSE continued the sailor,
forgetting he was standing close to
poor Palmer's hammock.
A look of agony and despair crossed
the features of the dying man. From
that moment he became rapidly worse;
at 3 p. m. he was dead. and s p. m. he
was buried. aeF
He had scarcely been an hour in his
watery grave ere the clouds began to
move across the sky from the north
west, at first with q slow and almost
imperceptible motion; gradually they
increased their speed; then came a
slight ripple on the water, and the YES
sci yielded slowly to her helm. The
sails are trimmed to the light air, stud
dino-sails are crammed on the ship, the
air freshens to breeze, the foam be-
gins to fly frow our bow, streak of
white water is seen in our wake, and
away we go seven knots an hour, for
getting our dead shipmate aud the calm
at one and the same time.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1881-09-20
moffaI3s Life Pills,
ard
Phoenix BIrlers.

The lost Successful Ned ici ines
in the World.
Established ia 1885, tsy one OF
our Most Eminent Physicians,
and now used tirOu@houb North
and South America, with more
pleasing results than ANY other
Medicine.
MOffat's Life Pills
are purely vegetable; they net
ON tie Stomach and Liver, and
regulate the entire system and
put all the FL. cti03is eff the body
I'M Eealii.y condition, Q and
WARRANTED & &fss ;sia ei:E'e for
ali Maiari0us Diseases, Torpid
Liver, Ifl3ur Flood, Jaundice,
Bilious Complaints, Dyspepsia,
Indigestion, CostiyeEess, Nei.y
GUS and Sick Headache, Colds,
Scuryy, General Weakness, and
Fever & ASue.
MoHat's PlGnix I3itters
correct the SecretiGns of the
Stomach, ard are q Sure Cure
for SIeeplesSnesS, Nervousness,
Dyspepsia, Female Complaints,
Weakness, Debility, etc.
Thousands Of Certificates are
I'm our possession giving perfect
CURES effected By these inyalu-
able medicines, and we are cer-
tain that they will do just what
we have said. 1t is simply ask
ed that the afflicted will TRY
THE ONCE, their use will con-
vince the most skeptical.
Pages Climax SaIve 25 cents q box.
Moffatss Life Pills % cents a box.
Monat's PhGnix Bitters $I.00 q bottle.
- Sold by Druggists everywhere.
j. P. MILLS, Sole Proprietor,
So Liberty Street New FORK
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1881-09-20
A WbopDar,

An Eastern tourist in Nevada had
been spinning some incredible fish
yarns. when one of the party, turning
to an old mountaineer, said:
.'Bill. that gets away with fishing in
this country. don't it?'
'.Wal, don't know about that"
''Do you mean TO say that you have
caught more and Larger fish?''
mo: but have caught some purity
big fellers- - 30
Come, now, tell us the weight of
the larrest trout you ever caught"
oval, can't exactly tell as to the
weight, but you folks can fig9er on it.
Now, you know it is over 200 miles
around this yer lake. Put that down.
As / said before, I don't know the
weight of the biggest fish I ever yanked
out, but did haul one up on the beach,
and after 1 landed him the lake fell
three feet, and you can see by the
water mark over yonder it hasn't riz
since -
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1881-09-20
A Remarkable Pony.

A observation-disclosures and extraordin-
airy case of the sagacity of the Shet-
land pony has just come under our
notice. 4 year or two ago, Mr.. VIM.
Sinclair pupil teacher, Holm, imported
one of these little animals from Shet-
land, on which to ride to. and from
school, his residents being at consid-
cradle distance from the school-build-
ings. Up to that time. the animal had
been unshod; but some time afterward
Mr. Sinclair had it shod by Mr.. Pratt,
the parish blacksmith. The other day.
Mr.. Pratt, whose smithy is a long dis
lance from Mr.. Sinclair's house, saw
the pony, without halter or any thing
upon it, walking up to where he was
working. Thinking the animal had
strayed from home, he drove it off,
throwing stones after the beast to make
it run homeward. This had the desired
effect for short time; but Mr.. Pratt
had only got fairly to work once more
in the smithy when the pony's head
again made its appearance at the door.
On proceeding a second time outside
to drive the pony away, Mr.. Pratt, with
q blacksmith instinct, took a look at
the pony's feet, when he observed that
one of its shoes had been lost. Having
MAGE u Suo0, ne pun II Oh, stIiO oiiCu
waited to see what the animal would
do. For a moment it looked at the
blacksmith as If asking whether he was
done, then paved once or twice to see
if the newly-shod foot was comfortable.
and finally gave a pleased neigh. erect
ed his head, and started home at a
brisk trot. The owner was also exceed
ingy surprised to find the animal at
home, completely shod, the same even
ing; and it was only on calling at the
smithy some days afterward that he
learned the full extent of his pony's
Orkaaen Herald.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1881-09-20
A Song.

Between the sunset and the sea,
My love laid hands and lips on me:
Of sweet came sour, of day came night,
OF long desire came brief delight.
Y love- ana what thing came of thee,
Between the shutdown and the scar
Between the sea-mark aad the sea,
Joy grew to grief, grief grew TO me;
Love turned TO tears. and tears to fire.
And dead delight TO new desire;
Loves talk, loves touch, there seemed to be
Between the sea-sand and the sea.
Between the shutdown and the sea,
Love watched one hour of love with me:
Then down the aIi-gulden waterways,
Her feet few after yesterdays;
saw them come, and saw them flee,
Between the sea-foam and the sea.
Between the sea-sand and the sea,
Love fell on sleep, sleep fell on me:
The first star saw twain turn to one
Between the moonrise and the sun:
The next, that saw not love, saw me
Between the sea-banks and the sea.
-ALGERNoN CHARLES SwINBURNE.
The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1881-09-20
P1LEsi PILEsl. PTLEsili
sure.cure Pound atzast. noione need
Suffer
z n = 7 : 2
p11.Esi



a sure. Cure Pound at1ast. Mesone need
Suffer.
A sure cure for the Blind, Bleeding.
Itching and liberated Piles has been
discovered by DIR. Williams fan Indian
remedy. called DIR. Williams Indian
Ointment. "A single box has cured
the worst chronic cases of 70 and 80
years standing No one need suffer
five minutes after applying this won
derful soothing medicine. Lotions,
instruments and Electuaries do more
harm than good. Williams Ointment
absorbs the tunors, allays the intense
itching particularly at night after
getting warm in bed), acts as a poul-
tice, gives instant and painless relief.
and is prepared only for Piles, itching
o: the private parts, and nothing else.
Read what the Hon. j. M. Coffin
berry, of Cleveland. says about Dr..
Williams Indian Pile Ointment:
have used scores of pile cures. and it
affords me pleasure to say that I have
never fonnd anything which gave such
immediate and permanent relief as DIR.
Williams Indian Pile Ointment.
For sale by all druggists, or mailed
on receipt of price 81. 90.
S. T. Henry & Co.. Props,
Cleveland, Ohio
For sale by MeCabe & Wheaton, Rock Island.