Osage Valley banner., 1881-04-21
Ear.BreathInr BARRIERS.

thousand ways that she can be trusted.
When anything new Is needed such as
a new kind OF bug to devour potatoes,
or new and deadly animaloule 20 in-
fest pork--she produces it. And yet
when we perceive that there Is an im-
mediate want of something, our first
impulse is 10 try to supply il ourselves,
instead of leaving the matter in the
hands Of nature This timorous want
of confidence is unworthy of intelligent
people. and deserves TO be severely re-
! buked. II has recently been sgnally
rebuked BY nature herself, who, while
we were striving vainly to find remedy
for BARRIERS, has quietly produced new
/ type of barber that is all that man could
desire.
/ Plans without number have been sug-
! gested with view to checking the bar
ber's conversation and preventing him
1 from even alluding TO tonic. The num-
/ ber of patents which have been obtained
| for BARRIERS muzzles would astonish any
one who is not familiar with the records
of the Patent Oliec. None of these
muzzles has been thoroughly success.
| full The first difficulty ia the way of
the use OF muzzle is that no barber
will Willingly put one on. He stands
on his rights as citizen, and claims
| that free unmuzzled speech is privi-
lege expressly secured TO him by the
Constitution There might, IL is true,
be something accomplished If the Leg
islature would pass law making Il
penal for any uDmuzzled barber 20 ply
his trade, but it would be almost impos-
sible to induce any Legislature to pass
measure so purely philanthropic and
so entirely devoid OF any pecuuiary
profit to the legislators Moreover, in
the few instances in which muzzles
have been either peaceably or forciblv
placed on BARRIERS it has been found
that they did not prevent the barber
from making sounds intended for con-
yersation and quite rs maddening. The
only way in which to secure his com
| plete silence is 10 use muzzle that her.
metically seals his mouth and nose.
| Such a muzzle was tried in Chicago
some years ago, and with complete
success, so far as reducing the barber
TO silence was concerned. The trouble
with il was that the barber died of suf-
location five minutes after the muzz
was applied, and an unprincipled Coro-
ner contrived to make the incident the
| occasion of much annoyance to the in
ventor of the muzZla.
Bat what man has failed To do nature
has just done. In the town of Altoona,
Pa. there has appeared n new and inn
proved type OF barber. This admirable
person breathes through his ears.
There appears TO be small passage in
| each ear, passing on ono side of the
tympanum and connecting the throat
with the outside air. Through this
| passage the new barber can breathe
With perfect ease, while his hearing
! does not seem TO be any less acute than
| that Of the usual sort of barber. He is
said TO be very proud OF the pecuiar,ty
/ which makes him TO diiler from other
| BARRIERS, and is in the habit of permit
| ting his customers to place plaster
over his mouth aud monkey wrench
I on his nose in order to prove that he
| can breathe with both nose and mouth
| closed. OF course, he cannot talk
through his ears, for II he could he
would be utterly useless. He cannot
even make the slightest sound by wav
of his ears, and when his mouth and
nose are closed he is rs silent as the
grave.
This is the kind Of barber for which
we have yainly longed. That such
/ barber should finally have appeared
may seem to many people to be only
| beautiful dream, but il il, nevertheless,
splendid reality He has been de-
Veloped by nature in order 20 meet A
| great want. We cannot show too much
/ gratitude for this magnificent boon, and
we should never again manifest the
| slightest want of confidence in bened-
cent nature.
OF course. the Altoona barber is only
the first specimen of the new species of
silent BARRIERS. Others will appear in
other places, and the day viii come
when, in accordance with the rule of
the survival of the fttest, the Altoona
variety of barber will be the only yarie-
~ known. In the meantime this happy
consummation can be fastened by the
conversion of our present BARRIERS into
ear-hreathing BARRIERS, There is no
doubt that skillful surgeon could,
with the aid of a pair OF small silver
tubes, connect the outer ear Of any
barber with his throat If it were 70
be pointed out 10 our BARRIERS that I'M
less they submit to this operation they
will soon have no customers, and win
find the ear breathing BARRIERS enioying
q monopoly of business, they would
doubtless readily put themselves under
the hands of the surgeon, and if in
few instances the operation should
happen to prove fatal il is improbable
that any blame would be attached TO
the surgeons.
How much more beautiful does this
world seem since the advent of the
Altoona barber! He brings with him
the hope Of the emancipation OF mau-
kind from tonsorlal conversation, the
hope Of the near and total disappear
ance Of tonic. Halt silent, voiceless
shaver! Haill--M y Times.
"A popular hotel clerk in Boston is