The Morris County chronicle. [volume] (Morristown, N.J.) 1877-1915, 1881-02-18
HUMOROUS.


women.
Funny items are made by adroit turns
of the humor-wrist.
There was no encore when Samson
brought down the house.
Michigan has produced pig with
trunk. This should be checked.
Three periods of life Youth, mumps;
middle age, bumps; old age, dumps.
Some of the most timid girls are not
frightened by loud bang. -LoscsH
Citizen.
A Massachusetts newspaper says man
wants but little here below zero
Picayu,ae.
The Syracuse Standard knows how it
is itself and exclaims: g The best nation
of all is vaccination.
Charles Lamb remarked of one Of his
critics: The more think of him, the
less I think of him. .
Corn is the worst used of all the
cereals. No matter how fruitful it is, it
is only grown to have It's ears pulled.
81 had no time to stuff the chicken, .
apologized landlady. 6 Never mind,
madam it's tough enough as it is, re-
piled the boarder.
George Eliot says, No one can be
wise on an empty stomach" We were
not aware that there was SO much
hunger in the world.
A young lady recently married read
Mother Symptoms prophecy for the first
time the other day. & just my luck!''
she exclaimed, throwing down the
paper. Here / am newly married,
and now the worlds coming to an end. Z
a Troy girl who has been deaf since
childhood regained her hearing through
the mediumship of a handsome young
doctor who tackled her case. He sat
down beside her and began telling hen i
how good-looking she Wss. Boston Posi-.
Nothing beats lightning for speed,
unless it be the way boy jumps out Of
bed In the morning, when, after hla
mother has shouted herself hoarse he
hears the tread of the old mans boots
upon the stairway as he stealthily creeps
to the top.
The handspring Of Italian music IN
the eighteenth century" says a recent
writer, +" was the exclusive and pas
sionate worship Of the human voice.
italian music has experienced change.
Its handspring now is in box, and is
worked with handle
He said he was bashful and blushed
painfully, and asked her if she could
spell bashful. She said she might on
pinch, and spelled it b-a-s-h-f-o-o-l.
Then he looked uneasily at her and be-
gan to wonder if she were unutterably
ignorant or superlatively sarcastic
The fashion of carrying closed UNI
brellas in such a reckless manner that
pedestrians occasionally collided with
the ferrule end, prevailed in the land
of obelisks 5000 years ago. At least
we Judge so, for artificial eyes have
been found among the mummies OF an
cient Egypt. NOaristo,ca Herald.
Young Hopeful (age six, who is
showing visitor his drawing book,
containing alleged representations OF q
"birdn and horse" as indicated in
words underneath the drawingsl--
"These are my worst drawings, Mr..
Smith" Mr.. Smith Indeed, Tommy
and where are your other ones?" Young
Hopeful Oh, / haven't drawed them
yet.
The following naive promise was
offered as an irresistible temptation to
fair Young maid I" thank you, said
she to her suitor, "but I can't leave
home. I am widows only darling
no husband can ever equal my parent In
kindness" "She is kind, replied the
wooer: but be my bride and we will
all live together, and see if I don't beat
your mother.
A device has been introduced in the
sleeping rooms of some Of the fire.
engine houses in New York by which
the bedclothes are automatically pulled
off of the beds and lifted up toward
tie ceiling on night alarm of fire.
This should be utilized in families
where there are growing boys. It is
indubitably a long-felt want. There's
millions in it.-Bostos Transcript.
"EAsY soID.''
Sighed Mr.. Jones 6 Ny dear Miss May,
dreamed an auctioneer, one day,
Cried going, going gone.
thought was the slave he sold
And you-you bought me with thy gold
To kneel before thy throne. ]"
.sYou're easy sold,'' smiled sweet Miss May.
g For when heard the fellow say
You're going going, gone,
l thought, alas he little knows
He's selling one who never goes,
And Mr.. Jones had flown.
No1S'istotc1 Herald
It is nice thing to be very bright,
and to give what is supposed to be
very witty answer to every query, but
sometimes one gets caught in his own
trap. " What is crime :" asked the
grave professor in a theological college.
g A crime' answered the wit Of the
class, why, it is when man does
something" "Then,s said the profess
sor, as he looked over his glasses at the
youth, I think no one could accuse
you, Mr.. Brown, Of ever committing q
crime"
Mr.. Thompson presents his compli
ments to Mr.. Simpson and begs to re-
quest that he will keep his piggs from
trespassing on his grounds Mr..
Simpson presents his compliments to
Mr.. Thompson, and begs to suggest that
in the future he will not spell pigs with
two gees g Mr.. Thompson's respects
! to Mr.. Simpson, and Will feel obliged if
he will add the letter e to the last word
! in the note Just received, so as to rep
resent Mr. Simpson and lady Mr.
Simpson returns Mr.. Thompson's letter
/ unopened. the impertinence it contains
being only equaled by its yulgarity."