River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1881-09-15
INA NUT SHELL.

in those days.
Lesson for Young Housekeepers-
"How can you tell young fowl from
an old one? ?" "By the teeth" "By
the teeth But fowls have no teeth. 2
Il know they haven't, but have. .
In some states the evidence of man
who habitually goes fishing twice a
year will not be received in the courts.
The reason for this bit of judicial wis
dom is obvious.
Oscar Wilde, the new English poet,
speaks of "unkissed kisses" The
trouble with Oscar is that his poems are
make up of unthunk Thoughts atlanta
Constitution.
Some one recently remarks that
there is less lying in the newspapers in
summer than in winter. That, ofcourse,
is because some of the staff is off lying
around at the ea-shore.-LO.UeH Citi-
zen.
Teacher-"John, what are your boots
made OFF Boy-"Of leather" .sWhere
does the leather come fromP' 'From
the hide of the OK" "What animal,
therefore, supplies you with boots and
and gives you meat to eat?" "My
father"
Eight New York ladies, who's bus
bands are estimated to be worth $780,
100000 aggregate, dined together the
other day at Saratoga hotel, and
when one Q them hoisted in knifeful
Of summer SQUASH, nobody dared to
say word.
Scene: Bridal reception. Several of
the guests. after shaking hands with
the bride, and all speaking at the same
time; where is the bridegroom? ?"
Bride, navely: ooh, he's upstairs
watching the wedding presents"
"a good husband makes good wife, :"
says philosopher, but he stops there,
and don't say what he makes her do.
Probably build the fire in the morning
and sit up late for him at night.
ave been to Mrs. Tilletattle," said
Mrs. Telltale, "and the way she ran on
ABOUT you was perfectly scandalous."
So she's been talking about me, has
she?' asked Mrs. Brown, quietly
Eyes, indeed she has, replied Mrs.
| Telltale, with emphasis. ''What nice
time you two must have had," said
Mrs Brown with sweet smile.
George" she said to the perspiring
young man, 81 love you just the same,
but as our city relatives are coming
next week, mother thinks you'd better
stay away, because your long hair and
| freckled face might make them think
our acquaintance wern't very high
toned" The young man is staying.
Calino's daughter is servant in the
house of friend of ours. Her master,
Just starting on a journey, says TO her:
| 'And remember to send me three or
four newspapers every day." IF
monsieur would like" replies the
maid, promptly, 81 might put a guam
| tity into his trunk now"
A Pittsburgh man has invented a
cannon that will hit barn door five
miles away" Wouldn't it be less ex-
pensive to have a smaller cannon, and
haul it up within fifty yards of the
barn door? or carry the barn door
within fifty yards of the cannon?
A newspaper agent, being told by an
| old lady that it was no use to subscribe
or the papers, as Mother Shipton said
the world was coming to an end this
year, said ''But won't you want to
read an account of the whole affair as
soon as it is over?" "That | will, an
swereG the old lady; and she sub
scribed.
"Don't waste your time in clipping
off the branches" said the woodman to
| his son, "but lay your AK at the root of
the tree" And the young man went
out and laid his axe at the root of the
tree, like good and dutiful boy, and
then went fishing. Truly, there is
nothing so beautiful as tilial obedience.
A newly acquired habit: 'Look
heah, Uncle Nose, you fooled me wid
dat at boss l buyed from yer last week.
He Jest drapt dead in his tracks" "He
nebber drapt dead in his tracks or any
whar else as long as | had him, goin'
on twenty years. '-1eDas Siftings.
Fitting emblems are not always APP
! preciated. The neighbors of a poor
fellow who died erected tombstone to
| his memory, and had placed above it
! the conventional white dove. The wild
ow looked at it through her tears, and
said: at was very thoughtful to put
it there. John was very fond of gun
ming, and it was an especially suitable
| emblem"
| A Hopeful Case.-Patient- Then,
according to you, doctor, i'll order to
live at all, | must give up all that
makes life worth living?" Doctor
''I'm afraid so-at least for few years"
Patient-"Perhaps you'd recommend
me to marry" Doctor-(a confirmed
bachelor)-"O mol Come, my dear fell
low, it's not quite so bad as that, you
know"
They had been engaged to be married
for fifteen years, and still he had not
mustered up courage enough to ask
her to name the happy day One
evening he called in a particularly
spoony frame of mind, and asked her
to sing him something tender and
touching something that would
"move" him.-She sat down at the
piano and sang: Darling, L am grow
ing old"
Better Left Unsaid-Fogg went into
the carpet store of Brussels & Tapestry
the other day. He was shown several
patterns, but none seemed to satisfy his
taste exactly until the dealer unrolled
beautiful Brussels, saying: "There
is q carpet that will suit you. That
carpet Is nara 10 peat. EOgS Sdlu he
didn't want it if that was the case and
walked out, leaving the dealer sadder
but wiser man.
An exchange says that joaquin
Miller's penmanship makes the angels
weep" From the ignorance displayed
in the assertion it is very probable that
the writer never happened into a com
posing-room when one of the ''angels"
took his clay pipe from his mouth and
communed with nature for few mo-
ments over page of the mountain
poets manuscript. Weep? All, no,
no.
A man came into an editors room
with large roll of manuscript under
his arm, and said, very politely, II
have trife here about the beautiful
sunset yesterday, which was dashed off
by friend of mine, which / would
like inserted if you have room.
PLENTY of room. Just insert it your
SELF" replied the editor, gently pushing
the waste-paper basket toward him.
An Indianapolis ruralist seated him
self in restaurant the other day and
began on the bill of fare. After en-
ploying three walters nearly half an