Daily Republican., 1881-06-02
MIRTH AND MERRIMENT.
What the Wits Talk AbOut-Ths
Cream of Humnr

Cream OF IHumOr.
JOSH BILLINGS TRUMP CARDS"
| have never known q second wift
but what was boss ov the situashun.
After % man gifts to be thirty-eigh I
years old he kant form any new habits
much; the best he can do is to stear his
old ones.
Emmy man who kan swap horses OF
ketch fish, and not lie about it, IL just
az piuz az men ever git to be in this
world.
The sassyest man ever met IL hem
peckt husband when he is away from
home.
An enthusiast IL an individual who
believes about four times as much az he
kan prove, and he kan prove about four
times AZ much az anybodey believes.
The dog that will follow anybody amt
wuth cent.
Thoze people who are trieing to get
to Heaven on their kreed will find out
at last they didn't have thru ticket.
Too long courtShips are not always
iudishus; the party often tire out skore-
ing fore the trot begins.
One quart ofcheap whisky( the cheap
er the better) judishusly applied will
do more business for Satan than the
deacon he has got.
don't rekocct doing emmy thing
was Just % little ashamed ov but what
remembered it, and waz sure,
once in while, to put me in mind of it.
Young man larn to wait; eff you I'M
.lertake to sett q hen afOre she IL ready
you will lose your time and confuse
the hen besides.
Nature seldom makes a phool she
limplee furnishes the raw materials, and
lets the fellow finish the job to suit his
self.
THE BEST EXCUSE.
He told the superintendent he wanted
to pass to Chicago.
"Ah, you're a worthy citizen who has
been robbed and who wants to get
home" said the superintendent. 81
see such every day"
"No sir, I'm not" replied the petit
iOner.
"You are dying of q wound received
II the war, maybe, and want to see
home once more
"Nary u wound. Iplayed sick and
'tayed in the hospital while in the
lrmy."
"Did, Ell? Well, maybe you've got
! child dying you want to see 2"
"Not a bit of it.
"NoW, well Ireckon ] can guess your
yarn pretty soon. You once saved n
rain on this road from being wrecked" "
"No l didn't"
"Well, what in thunder is your ex-
use for asking q pass"
"JuSt this. I'm beat and bum. |
want to get to Chicago and don't want
o hoof it. came to ask pass on clear
heck"
"Well durn your impudence, like
t. Here's your pass"
Honesty is the best policy.
ABLE TO CONTROL CESAR.
Ex-Governor Hendricks says that one
light his friend, Colonel Donald Morri-
on, of st. Louis, and party of boon
were returning to their |
ONES when Morrison halted in front |
f his residence and insisted that they
hould enter and take a parting glass. |
ir. Hendricks continues "At last |
ne of the gentlemen suggested that |
lebbe Mrs. Morrison would object. |
he Colonel seemed deeply otfened. He
rev himself up proudly and said : |
Vow you shall come ia, for intend to |
now you that l am Caesar in this
Ouser Scarcely had he uttered this |
roud declaration than a second story |
'indow raised and a feminine voice,
Did and cutting, rang out on the pale
r; "You are right, gentlemen, go
ONE to your wives. III take care of
iesar I" OF course the party went
ONE and the Colonel, Don, pensively
,tired."
A HOWL CAME UP.
"Jenkins has just seated himself to
,ad his evening paper before yester-
ly's supper" relates the Lowell Citi-
IN, "when howl came up from the
lck yard, where his heir was playing
ith crowd of boys. Clearly rang out
le voice of the junior Jenkins that If
le Jones boy wouldn't be the horse he
wouldn't play" Mr.. Jenkins calmly
Used the window and announced
"Young man, l don't want to hear
ny of that Roscoe Conkling business
ere in Massachusetts. You will be the
1rse yourself this time or l shall with
raw your supper and send you to bed.
on hear my message?" The deadlock
as broken"
WORDS OF WISDOM
id the old man as he got his legs un
,r him, "a pusson who labors under
, ideah dat he am foolin' de world will
oner or later git the grand latf. A
lsson can deceive de public for few
sys or q few weeks, but as soon as de
aud am exposed he am gone coon.
on may stand yer hats ober on your
Irs, hang out yer brass watch-chains,
= puff away at yer cheap cigars, but
majority of men will see right frew
III like buzz saw chopin up cheese.
hat we am we am, an let us bar in
ind de solemn fack dat while skim
ilk has its value an its uses, it won't
axe ice cream nor deceive de babies"
A TRUE BILL. :
" So that's the grand jury, is 7
?" asked the man from the
IL