The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1881-09-21
The Arka asaw Kind.

1Speakin' bout the Arkansaw
ager,' said the man with the sandy
goatee and squint eyes, as he leaned
back in his chair, ''that's whar you
saw my heart-strings, in case I've
got any to saw On.
''Did you ever live there ?n
'Dld L? Well, reckon | sort o
existed in them parts goin' on tbir-
teen years"
And you had the ague ~
Had it Why, | wallered in it.
Gentlemen, gaze on me !"
The crowd gazed.
When | moved down into Ar
kansaw from Tennessee risin of six
teen vars ago, | was purty--I was,
for fact. | had dozen skule-
marlns in love with me, and hang
me up if every gal in the ballroom
wouldn't break her neck fur the
honor of dancin' with me Yes, /
was purity, and / was good. | was
so purity that children cried fur me,
and SO good that / was taken fur a
preacher on more'n q hundred occa-
shuns. Whar has my purity gone t?
Whar is my goodness ? Goodl Why,
I've got to be the most internal ALI
gator in the hull swamp, and Pm
CROWN meaner at the rate of a mile
day Fact-solemn fact, and that
contankerous ager is to blame fur
the whole Of it. I've got a squint IN
nv eyes, my nose has been driven
back an inch, and what teeth I've
got left have to be wedged every
Sunday with pine pegs or I'd swal-
low 'eln. Purity Why, the sight
of my phiz in st. Louis killed a
Texas steer dead'rn o door-nail, and
l was tryin' to look handsome at
that !"
"You said you had the ague.'
"Had It Do you 'spose all the
other calamities in this hull kentry
could have busted NE up this way +?
You bet l had 'er / struggled with
'er right along fur leven straight
vars without let-up. Gentlemen,
let me harrer your souls with q few
timely remarks. Your Michigan
ager is a erasshopper, and one dose OF
ky-neen knocks 'er dead Out IN
Illinoy the agcr is bigger-about
like a squirrel. In Missouri she's
about the size of a woodehuck, and
when she strikes down in Arkansaw
she's q wolf three feet high, seven
feet long, and built to take hold like
a thousand buzzlrds. Great slams
bat what struggles I've had with
that e'r critter ! Say, did ye eyer
ride III Il one-horse wagon over 4
stone quarry Was We ever seated
on the top rail of IA fence when a
hurricane moved it Il. the rate of six
miles a mint ? Did ye ever have 9
cyclone pick We mp and mop ye ovel
forty acres OF river bottom, wallop
We through ten acres Of woods and
use We for tool to knock down 9
hundred acres of cane-brake
Well, that hain't the ager-not the
Arkansaw kind it's only the fusf
faint preliminaries."
He stopped to relight his cigal
and then continued
II hain't long TO live. and / don
keer TO stretch this thing any. Tellr
the truth has ailus been my strons
pint. and allus will be. Maybe ye'l
cit some idea of the Arkansaw age
when tell ye that once unjintel
both shoulders in shakin, and i
was light shake at that. When
had on one Of my reg'lar double.
back action shakes ! coulC
| jar a jug of whisky out of The crotcl
of n tree twenty-eight rods of. No
body dast pile up cord-wood within
half a mile of my cabin, and that
a solemn fact. / devoured my Ky
neen Just as you eat corn beet, an'
my hull system finally got SO bite
that dog who smelt at my le
couldn't get the pucker outside c
his mouth inside of ten days. Gen
tlemen. l do not wish TO prolon
| this agony. My failin' IS CAB. fu=
thing / know III jump the ager an
begin on Arkansaw 'skeeters, an
. when got thar I'd harrer yer soul
till We couldn't sleep fur two week
| We viii now have some Ticker, an
| will then seek few needed repo:
es. ."-free Press.