The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-12-21
FLOATING FANOIEs.

women lOVe trails because 1t 1Atters tnem
to have something after 'em.
Why do they file marriage intentions ?
Sometimes to make them fit a salary Of SIS
a week.
Now will the lone and homesick oyster
take his annual hot bath in soup at the
church festival.
Cashier Baldwin of Newark may not have
been weighed, but the balance was found
wanting, by a large majority.
4 boot and shoe shop hangs out the sign:
"Cast-iron Lasts" We all know it does,
but we don't want any boots made of it.
An old poker-player out in North Park
rides a blind mule as a matter of choice. He
says it is a pleasure to straddle the blind.
Fogg says his friend Pingry is SO slow that
he never catches cold, and couldn't get with
in hailing distance Of the slowest Of slow
fevers.
a prospect Of a light audience will give
any prima donna in the land a sore throat
and adjourn the concert, per order physi-
clans certificate.
Old umbrellas and buggy tops are now be-
ing utilized by ladies for theater hats. The
demand for them almost equals that for
Confederate bonds.
4 Jersey City husband who remained out
until midnight and forgot the story he had
cooked up to tell his wife, tainted away Ia
the hall as she met him.
A lady being asked how many calls she
made the other afternoon replied, sob, [
only made seven; I was unfortunate enough
to find everybody at home"
A woman may offer in excuse for her red
nose that she laces too tightly, and a man
can offer the same excuse. He also gets too
''tightly' by solacing himself.
Congressman Grape INDEPENDENTLY made
a good point when he quoted at the Worces-
ter Convention; "God reigns, but the Gov
eminent at Washington still lives"
A China man named On Tick is about to
start a laundry in Detroit. This will leave
no reasonable excuse for any one to fail to
appear in a clean shirt on Sunday.
"Will you tell me" asked an old gentle
man Of lady, 'what Mrs. IS maiden
name was ?" ''Why, her maiden aim was to
get married, of course" exclaimed the lady.
The man who has been specializing in con-
federate bonds explained that he did 90 be-
cause he wanted to tackle something that
was a little safer than the average mining
stock.
ssWhat is right in the concrete may be left
in the abstract" remarked Senator Alley as
he pulled bis foot out Of his shoe and left
that article sticking in the new made pave
ment.
The esthetic craze has struck Leadville. A
prominent clergyman of that city has written
to inquire which is the more correct taste for
q horse thief being lynched-to carry a lily
or q sunlower.
Borrowing d hint from the Senate. Ven
cradle sinner-"If we're really going to have
an experience meetin' an confess our sins,
move we clear the galleries, close the doors
and 90 into executive session."
A lady writes that no man will stare long
at a woman who does not stare back. That
sounds very well: but if she does not stare
back, how is she to know whether the man
has stopped staring or not?
Tommy" said q mother to her seven
year old boy, 'syou must not interrupt me
when [ am. talking with ladies. You must
wait till VIZ stop, and then you can talk.
'sBut you never stop ~ retorted the boy.
The Chinese Government is going to build
some railroads, and soon will be heard in the
land the voice Of the Celestial brakeman:
'Hooppee. Yang-tze-kiang Junction.!
Tiaine stoppee ten minutes eatee and dim
keel
Timoleon comes home with q hat that
sinks down to his nose. His wife is Mortified.
''But that thing don't ct you at all, my dear"
II know it don't, and / told the halter 80.
But he showed me his gold metal, and what
could I do p
A Kentucky paper recently stated that .
prominent citizen was s'greatly troubled with
insomnia" After the editor had got out OF
the hospital, he decided to never again use
anything but plain language in writing of his
fellow toWnsmen.
At a Lowell tea table, the other evening,
grandma asked for ssone OF those cakes
They were passed, and she broke one open
with the disgusteds exclamation, why,