The new North-west., 1881-10-07
WHY WE LAU9E.


"Yes, gentlemen, knew 1t was loaded"
Sergeant Mason.
Why is a Zulu belle like prophet of old?
Because she has not much on er in her own
country. -. .ie#
"How many carriages shall you want to
haul the grief?" is the way the uDdertakers
put it in Deadwood.
Hanging man in effigy is good deal like
kissing q COW owned by the father of your
girl. 1t don't hit the case.
Emerson says " a man passes for what he Is
worth" No, he doesn't; he passes for the
sake of getting new trump.-Lo,oeU Cour-
Ter. 81" '-...
The clam has a larger mouth in proportion
to Its size than human being, yet clam
never talks about its neighbors.- Whitehall
Times. ....
DIR. Thomas d. Spencer says a mans birth
Is more painful than his death. This may be
so, but we would rather be born twice than
to die once.-Norristonn Herald.
Oscar Wilde has been invited to visit Bos-
ton. Picture a man who dimes on glass of
water and lily sitting down to a dinner of
polk and beans.-B,lfdto Express.
"Durn the dog" he said; am settle his
hash for him when go down there tonight
to see Kate" And he proceeded to saturate
the seat of his pants with s:rychnine.
So Mr.. Kelly wants to bury the hatchet in
me, does he? Mr.. Kelly will discover some
day that came from Bitter Creek and live
pretty we'll toward the head Of the stream
s. j. Titden.
A learned writer asserts that " Heaven
keeps our lights burning while we sleep"
Well, it does look that way when the figures
on gas bill stare the average citizen in the
face.-DetroI Free Press.
General Lee Is said to have asked a strag-
gler whom he found eating green persimmons
If he did not know they were unfit for food.
" I'm not eating them for food, General" re-
piled the man; "Tm eating them to draw up
my stomach to fit my rations."
When it rains all the week you may know
that there is fair going on somewhere.
There is nothing, unless it is a picnic, that
will bring rain like a fair, and we sometimes
wonder, in times of drought, why the farm
ers do not get up q county or state fair
Peck's Sun.
The name of Maria Is so popular in Of
tumwa that when cat climbs a back fence
in well-populated neighborhood and plain
lively vocalizes Maiiar!" twenty windows
are hastily thrown up and twenty female
heads are thrust out, wildly answering, "Is
that you, Charley?"
Astronomy is beautiful science. We are
told thai If a railway was run from The earth
to the nearest fixed stat, and the fare was one
penny for evey huodred miles, and if you
took mass Of gold 10 The Iickei-oitice equal
to the mai ual debt Of Gleat Bitain--S3, ,S00.-
900 O00--it would not be enough 10 pay Tor a
ticket to the nearest fixed star aforesaid. If
this be the case, it mat,ers vely little to us
wheCher such rail- Dad is ever constructed.
1t would be nigh discou, aging 10 go 10 the
ticket office with a mass OF gold equal TO
81. 900, 900 900, aud be informed that the fare
was S56TS, ,032, 600. If the iicket-agent would
MT trust until we got back we'd be compelled
to forego the trip.-NorristOea Herald.
In the classic shades of Deadwood the av-
erage native is not very choice in selecting
the language used in advertising a runaway
wife. The notices are usually written, and
posted in the postoifices and saloons, where
they will catch the eyes of majority Of the
population. A recent one reads as follows
My wife Sarah has Shook my rancho. When
| ds.leat. Dee-s da, ned thing Too hur and
want it desLiacly Unueistood that any man
| That takes hur In aud keers fur hur On my
account viii git himself pumped so Full of
| lead that Sum tendelfoot will locate him for
a Mineral clame. LII she runs Hur face fur
| goods won't Put up for hur, am lie lick the
| son-ot-a-tor-nadot that talks hur stand-otf even
fur the drink. awo,d 10 the wise is sufh-
cient an orter work on fools too."