The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-01-15
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Sweet nOme-luc pcc'Hi'S'
Writ of error-slip of the pen,
A paving occupation--Bank cashier.
Forced MISUNDERSTANDING TO necessity
False issues-Counterfeit bank bills
Going to smash-The brandy 1t is made OF.
A finished performer-The dead actor.
Stands 10 reason-A debater who won't Sill
down.
Whitaker has been granted another earring
LAWYERS always talk in moneysyllables. -
Hd,ckeye. -.
Garfield don't know much about cards lie
rises at in the morning and calls 1t seven'up'
Texas is remarkable for being the only state IN
the Union that is the largest
Some men are called mutfs because they are
used to keep frts hand in.
The fatted calf was killed that forgiving
father might reveal his feelings toward prooi-
gal son.
Ifyou want to improve your fortune get upon
amue. You will soon find that you are better
of.
Sarah Bernharts first words upon arriving IN
Philadelphia were to ask II Simon Cameron was
in town. "If he is" she said ait is Oliver with
me-"
Somebody asked how "Endymon," the name
of Beacons1eld's new novel, is pronounced ana
witty editor answered: at is pronounced
failure"
A little boy in Georgia, who wrote to Santa
Claus for pony, was wise enough 10 adu'
'Poscrit: If he is a mule, Pies ty his behinc
legs"
The old English rhyme declares that Christ
mas comes but once year, This is mistake,
as 1t comes twice. The Greek church have
Christmas on the 9th of January.
What is home without mother? Pretty com
Portable thank you Bat All, What i6 mother
without a homey There's a conundrum for you.
Beaconsdcld says: Every political party
changes its principles on an average once In ten
years" This is not true Of the republican party.
It's principles meyer change. They were enun-
ciated by Flanagan: "What are we after but the
offces"'
"Who hindercd that young MANI was the
subject at the Luthcrn church on Sunday eve
ning.-P0lo Press
Most likely he was hindered by the other fel-
low that slipped in ahead OF him.
An unknown poet, presumed to be a Conkling
man, presents the following
II Mr. Sprague and Mrs. Spragac
Would only 20 to sea,
And find home in foreign parts
How jolly that would be!
how happy they might find themselves,
Together taking tea,
In some bright land OF Eu.riope-
For instance lt-a-cg.
A Galesburg ''parlcnt," whose daughter was
courted in the usual way by an eligible young
man, and the course Of true love having run
smoothly the pair were married, after the nuptial
event presented the happy groom with bill OF
$35, itemized as meals, horse feed, fuel, oll-(as
il young folks used oil after the old folks have
gone to bedD, wear Of furniture, &c The qscs-
ton is, can any man afford to exhibit such mean
ness for $35?
Last Saturdays Streator Honito, objects toI
Cadet Taylors OBITUARY" in the previous issue
OF that paper. Unhappy Cadet! After perform
ing the melancholy task OF writing his own obit.
uary to be compelled to live to see it chawed up
by an ill.natured critic!
is it because the birds have flown
That am plunged in hopeless woe:
Ii 1T because The SHOWS are blTcWn,
And Nature robbed OF summer glow,
That uphcaye this pteous moan?
All, no!
It because this polar breeze
Bcspcaks the burial OF the summer;
Because the soughing OF the trees
Doth herald in dreadful conner;
Because these omens mean freeze
And plumber.
"Gon to hang up your stocking ChristmasT'
asked Chicago man of II Boston girl who Is
visiting his sister, one day last week ~ shall
certainly suspend my hosiery" she said, looking
kindly at him over her eye. glasses, because
think the beautiful custom OF bestowing upon
our friends those things we think they will APP
preciate should be adhered to- He put q copy OF
Emersons works, Joe Cooks lectures, some an
uotated lectures on biology and two boxes OF
chewing gum into her blue but long stocking
last Friday evening, and now he ia her allianced
oyster buyer.-N !. Vorh.
According to the old English novels and come
dies father. were brutal old tyrants, who never
did the decent thing except on the sly. If the
poor heroines Of Fielding and Smollctt could
read Of this St Louis father now they would re
joice for their sisters Of this better day:
"Oo you love himY' asked her father
Geraldine laughed in spite OF herself. 81 have
strong impression that he would scarcely ask
me TO marry him unless he thought pretty well
OF me"
"Of course-of course; but do you love him"
"With all my heart and soul"
"Wcl, il that's the case, said Colonel Spencer
throwing away his cigar, 'all I've got TO say is
you are both COMPOUNDED simpletOns If you don't
get marrgd-thLre"
SHUT THE DOOR!
We're you brought up in saw-mlg
Ever In a house before?
Did you work about a brck-kiln
In the blessed days Of yOre?
Did you tend about wind
Upon some rocky shore,
Or live upon a side hill
Where the wind could always roar,
And couldn't get gorgeous ill
Of ruttiup Ia the COREY