Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1881-09-15
THE AGER.
Description of the Arkansas Kind.
S,.o,n the netroit Free press

From the Detroit Free Press
"Speakin' bout the Arkansaw ager," said
the man with the sandy goatee and squirt
eyes as he leaned back in his chair, that's
whar you saw my heart strings, in case I've
got any left to saw on"
"Did you ever live there?"
did l? Well reckon / sort O. existed
in them parts goin' on thirteen years."
And you had the agus?"
Had it! Why, wallered in it. Gen
tlemen gaze on me!'
The crowd gaZed.
when I moved down into Arkansaw
from Tennessee, risin' of sixteen vars ago.
was purty-I was fer fact. / had
dozen skule marms in love with me to
once, and hang ME up if every girl in the
ball room wouldn't break her neck fur the
honor of dancin' with me. Yes, was purity
and was good. was so purity that chill
dren cried for me. and SO good that l was
taken fur a preacher on moren hundred
occashuns. Whar has my purity gone?
Whar is my goodness? Why, I've got to be
the infernalist alligator in the whole swl mp
and I'm CROWN meaner at the rate Of
mile day! Fact-solemn fact, and that
contankerous ageris to blame for the hull
of it. I've got squint to my eyes, my
nose has been driven back an inch, and
what teeth I've got left have to be wedged
in every Sunday with pine pegs or I'd
swallow 'em. Purity! Why the sight of
my phiz down in st. Louis killed Texas
steer dead'rn door nail, and ! was tryin'
to look handsome at that!"
"You said you had the agile"
"Said SO! Do you 'spose all the other
calamities in this hull kentry could have
busted me up this way? You bet had 'er!
1 struggled with 'er right along fur leven
straight y 'ars without q let-up. Gentlemen,
let me harrer your souls with few timely
remarks. Your Michigan ager is grass
hopper, and one dose of Ky neen knocks 'er
dead. Out in Illinoy the ager is bigger
about like the squirrel. In Missouri
she's about the size of woodchuck, and
when she strikes down in Arkansaw she's a
wolf three feet high, seven feet long, and
built to take hold like thousand buzz saws.
Great slams! but what tussels I've had with
that ere critter! Say, did ye ever ride in a
one-hoss wagln' over stone quarry? Was
We ever seated on the top rail of a fence
when hurricane moved it at the rate of
six miles minute? Did ye ever have a
cyclone pick We up and mop We over forty
acres of river bottom, wollop We through
ten acres of woods an d useye for tool to
knock down hundred acres of cane brake ?
Well, that hain't the ager-not the Arken-
saw kind; it's only the fust faint prelimi-
naries."
He stopped to relight his cigar and then
continued:
Il hain't long to live, and don't keer to
stretch this thing any. Tellin' the truth
has alIus bin my pint. and allus will be.
Maybe yell git some idea of the Arkansaw
ager when tell ye that I once unlimited
both shoulders i'll shakin', and it was a
light shake at that. When I had on one of
my regular double back action shakes I
could jar a jug of whiskey out o. the crotch
of tree twenty eight rods off. Nobody
dust pile up cord wood within half q mile
of my cabin, and that's solemn fact.
devoured ky-neen just as you eat corn
beef, and my hull system finally got 30 bit.
ter that a dog who smelt of my leg couldn't
| git the pucker out of his mouth inside of
ten days. Gentlemen, I do not wish to
prolong this agony. My failin is CAB. Fust
know I'll jump the ager and begin on Ar
kansas skeeters, and when 1 got thar I'd
harrer yer souls till ye couldn't sleep full
two weeks. We will now have some Ticker
and I will then seek few needed reposes.