The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1881-02-03
Waking the Wrong Man.

The fact that every business has its
particular lingo, which is a dead Ian
guage to people of other professions, was
never more clearly shown than in the
following article by Bill Nye in the Chi
cago Tribune:
One night about half after II, I judge,
I heard somebody step along to the win
dow of my boudoir. Hearing it that
time of night / reckoned that something
crooked was going on, SO I slid out OF bed
and got my Great Blood Searcher and
Liver Purifier, with the new style of Gen.
ter fire and cartridge e~jector, and slid up
to the window, calculating to shove a
tonic into whoever it might be that was
| pick-nicking around my claim.
I looked out SO as to get a good idea
of where I wanted to sink on him, and
then 1 thought before I mangled him I'd
ask if he had any choice about which
part of his vitals he wanted to preserve,
so I sings out to him:
Look out below there, pard, for I'm
I going to call the meeting to order in a
minute. Just throw up your hands, If
you please, and make the grand halllng
sign of distress, or I'll have to mutilate
you! Just show me about where you'd
like to have the fatal wound, and be
| spry about it, too, because Nv got my
brief costume on, and the evening air is
chilli"
He didn't understand me, apparently,
for a gurgling laugh welled up from be-
low, and the party sings back:
"Hullo, Fatty, is that you? just
lookin' to see if you'd fred up yet. You
know I was to come around and flag you
if second seven was out. Well, I've been
down to the old mans to see what's on
the board. Three is two hours late and
four is reported on time. There's two
seven's out and two sections OF
Skinneyu take out first seven and
Shortyn pull her with 102. It's you
and me for second seven, and Timber
Jim on front end and Frenchy to hold
down the caboose. First five is wrong
side up in a washout this side of Ogallala,
and old Whatshisname that runs 253 got
his crown sheet cayed in and telescopeo
his headlight into the New Jerusalem,
You know the little Swede that used tc
run extra for Old Hotbox on the emil
grant for a while2 Well, he's firing or
25S, and he's under three flats and
c~oal-oil tank, with a break beam across
his coupler and his system more or les'
relaxed. He's gone to the sweet subse
auently too. Rest of the boys are more
or less demoralized and sidetracked fol
repairs. Now, you don't want to monke.
around much, for if you don't loom VI
like six bits and go out on the track, tn
old manm give you o time check and TIN
Oriental Grand Bounce. You hear tn
mellow thrill of my bazoo."
Then I slowly uncorked the Grea
Blood Purifier, and, moving to the foot
lights where the silvery moonbeam
could touch up my dazzling outlines,
said: "Pardner, I am pleased and graf
fled to have met you. / don't know tn
first ding busted thing you have said t.
plain miner, and my home is the digest
tive apparatus of the earth, but for pro
fessional melody of the chin you cer
tainly take the cake. You also take tn
cake basket and what cold pie there j
on the dump. My name is Woodtic
Williams. I discovered the Feveris
Hornet up on Slippery Ellum. l al
proud to know you. Keep right on gel
ting more and more. familiar with you
profession, and bye and bye, when nc
body can understand you, you will b
promoted and respected, and you will
last be a sleeping-car conductor an
, revel in the biggest mental calm an
wide shoreless sea of intellectual stagnf
ton that the world aver saw. 70
will
But he was gone.
Then I took the pillow-sham and wipe
some of the pulverized crackers off til
soles of my feet and wen to bed in
large COB of gloom.