The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-01-20
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
A LADY OF his flock once called upon
II. Gill with a grievance. The Doc
tC's aeckbands wero too long for her
Ida Of ministerial humility, and after
asong harangue on tho sin Of pride,
sbs lntiHated that she had brought her
SOS ors with her and would be pleas, d r
h.r dear pastor would allow her to
CLIP them dow n to her notion of pro-
ptety. The doctor not only listened
patiently to her lecture, but handed
her over tho offending whito bands
70. her to operate upon. When she
hal cut them to her satisfaction and re-
turned the blbs 1t was the DOCTORS turn.
"fow," said he, "my good sister, you
must 20 me good turn also." "Yes,
tft 1 will, Doctor; what can 1t be ?''
"pell, you Lave something about you
Which is deal too long and causes me
nOend Of trouble, and should like to
see 1t shorter" "IndoLd, dear sir, I
viii not hesitate; what Is 1t? Here are
the scissors, use them as you please.n
"Come, then," said the sturdy divine,
"good sister, put out your tongue"
Il AM peaceoble man." said the in
truler, graaping his club with
both hands, "but If you DONE come
down with $l7 90 damages for my lac
Grated feelings the bombardmeut will
begin at once" The owner Of the dog
paii down tho money as he was afraid
the other fellow might exasperate him
If lie hit him with club of that size.
The owner Of the uog also said that he
was sorry the dog had bitten the in
sonlsrs son ssd s4n }he Why he who.s ains
ts ne, 1hen2" asked the astonished
owner Of the dog. "He Is tho son of
u friend of mine who owed me $l7 50,
but he Is poor, and the only available
assets he has was these dog bites on
his body, which he turned over to me
for collection" "Well, I'll be blowe."
"Ol, you "eedn't complain; you are
getting oil dog cheap. ought to make
you pay in advance for the next time
that boy IL going to be bit"
GLooMILY tho merchant sat looking
over the books and through the few
remaining papers In the same, the
morning after the Junior partner had
got away to South America with alac-
rIty and $42 900 OF the firms money. A
tonsollng TREND says to the merchant:
All, we'll, you'll work out all right.
There's no great loss without some
gain" ''True," sighed the man Of
trade, with bright light dawning in
his face, "true, my wife went with
him."
He opened the door cautiously, and
poking his Il cad In, in suggestive
sort Of way, as if there was moro to
follow, inquired, sis this the rlnktumP'
''rhe what, my frlandp p'' "Is this the
rinktum m-sinktum--sanotum or some
such place, where the editors liver"
"This Is the editorial room. yes, SIR,
Come in." mo; guess l won't come
In. | wanted to see what rinktum
was like, that's all. Looks like our
garrct, only wuss. Good day."
Nor long since two mon entered a
Galveston lawyers office to have deed
for city lot drawn up. The man who
WAS conyeyer Of the lot is an unCcr-
takar.
"How much consideration shall l
put In tho deed ?" asked the lawer.
"ChoOst put In for love and affeci lon.
l gives him de lot because he buried
my mudder in law for me-"
The lot Is worth at least 81 900. This
Ia a case for tho grand jury to inyesti-
gate.
A SCIENTIFIC Journal explains "How
to travoi liho tightening" Ono way Ia
to attempt to cross u field In which a
mad bull is pasturing, but the sclenti-
flc paper, curiously enough doesn'l
allude to this method. When a man
comes suddenly upon rampageous
bull he travels like thunder and light
ming.
A GIRL in London struck her croquet
partner on tho head with mallet;
brain foyer set in, and the young man
nearly diod. This is probably the first
case Of the kind on record, as not one
young man In a thousand who plays
crOquct In London, possesses enough
material for the brain fever to grab
hold Of.
"Mn. Smith, you said you once Of
flciated in tho pulpit. Did you mean
by that you preached? "No, sir;
held the light to tho man that did
prcach." All! tho court understood
you differently. 1t supposed that the
discourse came directly from YOU"
"No, sir; only threw light upon it,"
THAT was trIumphal appeal or the
lover Of antiquity, who, in arguing tho
super iority Of old architecture over the
new, said: "Where will you flnd any
modern building that has lasted so
long as the ancIentp'
THE best temperance lecturers are
those who have been through the mill
tile gin mill. Thousands OF men and
women are at this moment preparing
themselves tor good temperance lec-
turers.