davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
Artomas Wards Franks,

once SnarCU Ills room ana DCO AZ
miserable tavern in Oxford county.
The house was old and rickety, the
window ratified hidcously in the case
ment, tho chill November wind came
through couple of broken pancs with
too much force for comfort; and sleep
was nearly impossible. After turning
and tossing awhile in vain ondcavor
to court forgetfulness, ARENAS arose,
and lifting tho lamp made most
solemn survey of the room in every
part. Presently he emerged from a
deep closet in the corner with dilapi-
dated hoop-skirt in his hand, which he
gravely hung up before the window.
s'Now, what are you doing" was asked
of him. Artemas slowly placed tho
lamp on tho floor, turning to me look
of pity, and with an argumentative ges-
ture of his right hand half muttered to
himself: "'TWill keep out the coarsest
of the cold, anyway"
Artemus was known in the family
and among his schoolmates as ''Chub,"
namo given him by his facetious
brother Cyrus, Us satire on his tall,
gaunt makeup.
Half a dozen of his associates were
sitting one day at tho village hotel
where he boarded, when an old woman
drove up to the store opposite with q
pair of donkeys-a jack and jenny
hitched to a little wagon. Jack was
the noisest brute in the country. He
had a voice worse than the handle of q
town pump on q frosty morning, and
was proud of it. In minute his tail
rose to a horizontal, his nose was
thrust forward, his lips parted. and the
beast blew his Internal blast. A second
and third time it was repeated. Ar
temus quietly thought ''that thing
might be fxed," and disappeared from
the room. He went over and appeared
to make a careful inspection of the fore
wheels of tho wagon, the harness, and
the hitchup; and came back saying
that the donkey was all right; tho brute
must have madea mistake about somo-
thing. Presently there were indications
of movement on Jacks part; the
neck was extended, the lips curled and
the tail rose-to the pivotal point and
no farther. The trumpet diun't sound.
Jack thought there was mistake
e-hcsitated - reflected and
tried again. Tho front part, some OF
it, was all right; but tho equilibrium
could not be reached. After time an
other attempt was made and failed.
Jack turned his head around to ascer-
tain the cause of the failure, but could
not see any. The fifth vain attempt to
bray was followed by a spiteful kick at
Jenny, but it didn't cure tho matter.
At last lie gave it up and stood at the
store door the most neglected looking,
discontinued donkey in. existence
Meantime. Artcmus enjoyed tho fun
and discharged a rafting fusilade of
pungcnt humor that kept tho party in q
roar, and made tho whole affair one of
the most ludicrous that ever experi-
enced. Artemus had attached heavy
stone to the donkey's tail, leaving just
play enough to the cord to allow the
beast to get his tail nearly up to icon.
cert pitch" "A F1se1eds "Reminiscences
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
Emhalming Waasals

The art of taxidermy out on Vinegar
Hill is yet in it's infancy. The leading
taxidermist of that booming gold camp
is as yet nothing but an amateur.
The art critic of this paper is in re-
ceipt of q stuffed weasel, which was the
first handiwork of the Vinegar Hill tax
idermist. Evidently he had not tried
to taxiderm before
graceful little animal, with long, slen-
der body and fragile proportions.
That's the reason he looks lumpy and
unhappy when his remains are stuffed
with baled hay.
The dado editor who writes these
hints on decorative art doesn't set him
self up as authority, of course, but SIM
ply desires to suggest little points of i'm
provement.
This paralyzed weasel is too fiat, for
one thing. In preserving weasels. to
avoid destroying the outline, they
should not be pressed like an autumn
leaf, but stuffed like a bologna sausage.
The casual observer will also notice
that the tail of this weasel is erect,
which give him self-reliant air, which
ill becomes tho shy and timid little
weasel.
This is not true to nature. It jars
harshly on the aesthetic taste to see q
weasel with his tail over the dashboard
that way.
The weasel does not jab his tail into
the middle of the horizon unless he feels
pretty hilarious. 1t is not his nature.
We should study the habits of these an
imals, and when they are preserved try
so far as possible to still retain the
natural symmetry which they evinced
in life.
One moro suggestion. This weasel
was evidently too dead before they tried
to embalm him. The weasel should
not be too excessively dead when he is
placed in the hands of the taxidermist.
After the remains have lain in state for
two or three weeks, it is fair to suppose
that life is extinct, and the artist may
then get his sawdust and poison ready
to go to work.
The practice of ombalming weasels
who died the previous year is now OBJ
solete.
Ono more suggestion and we are
done. In this specimen tho eyes are
omitted. This gives to tho subject q
vacant and preoccupied air.
In the absence of artificial eyes, the
artist should have inserted q pair of
overcoat buttons, because tho delicate
taste of tho brio a-bracker is shocked
when he gazes down into the lustrous
depths once so full of life and soul, but
now 50 full of bran and other inexpen-
sive stufing.
IF the weasel were not so emaciated
whore he ought to have been plump,
and SO bunchy where he ought to be at
tenuated, he would be more true to ma
ture, and the cast iron Autograph which
we herewith present would not look so
much like club-footed hat rack as it
does.-Loramse CITY Boomerang.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
A Lady LAWYERS Retort.

Judge Tyler, OF San Francisco, is
well known to the bar Of that city as a
most formidable opponent, both loren
sically and physically, as many q
''lcarned COUNSEL upon tho other side
has found out to his sorrow.
The judge. who is not used to domi-
mating over his brethren of the bar. re-
Gently met his match in lady lawyer
of San Francisco, Clara S. Foltz, who
clipped his wind in such manner that
well nigh suffocatcd him. The story is
too good to be lost.
The case Of Tyler vs.. the Hibcrnian
Savings Bank was pending in one of
the city courts involving the rights to
certain deposit of funds il said bank.
Tyler was his own attorney, and Mrs.
Foltz was attorney for the bank. It
seems that Tyler. by little bit of sharp
practice, was trying to ring in a ''cold
deck' in the shape of a default that
had been enormously dated, the admis-
sion of which by tho Judge upon the
bench would have sent the defendant
out of court. Mrs. Foltz showed up the
matter satisfactorily to the court, and
tho default was promptly set aside.
This nettled Judge Tyler considerably,
and turning to the lady counsel he said
sharply, in manner intended to be in
tensely impressive, that counsel had
better engage in other business" that
a ''woman's place was at home raising
her children"
The words were scarcely uttered be-
fore Mrs. Foltz rose in her queenly way
and flashing her blue eyes straight into
the judges ford face, she quietly re-
marked: "A woman had better be en-
gagged in almost any kind of business
than in raising such men as you are,
sir.''
The court commanded order, but in
tone that seemed to appreciate the
justice of the remark, while number
of lawyers in court, some of whose
heads Judge Tyler has held in ''chan-
Gerry" on former occasions, came near
exploding with suppressed laughter.
The counsel turned white with anger,
and groaned in spirit, but concluded
that. it was better to drop the subject
then and there.-Sdn Jose Mercuyv.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
Fair Play Out West.

They give man a chance out West.
In Deadwood, Custer, or any of those
new Western towns, the spirit Of fair
play crops to the surface even in judic-
ial proceedings. Not long since, q
Michigan man who keeps an eating
house at Gunnison, was over-particY.
lar about taking counterfeit half-doE
lar, and in tho row which resulted no
was considerably battered. He there
fore called upon the Justice of the
Peace and stated his case and asked
for a warrant.
Il guess wouldn't make O fuss over
it, replied the official.
''But ho meant to kill mo-"
Eyes, I presume so, but ho'll leave
town and that will end it,
''But he's dangerous man."
eyes, they say so; but no one is
afraid of him.
Judge, do you know what he said
about you when told him I'd have
him arrestcd?"
.sNo."
well, he said you were q: blamed
grasshoppor oater!"
Eyes, but he didn't mean it,
''And he called you a reptile"
swell, he was mad, l suppose"
eyes, and he was mad when he said
you didn't know enough to write your
own name, and therefore couldn't issue
warrant
ibid he say that?'
''He did,"
'tThen I'll issue on him like ten
ton avalanche on yaller mule! The
man who sneezes at my larnin' must
have contempt for the Judiciary"
The warrant was issued, the party
arrested and tried, and the verdict Of
tho court was:
..Gunnison William, the verdict of
this court is that you are guilty, and
the sentence is fine of -$25 in cash.
This court can't get over the fact that
you villificd it's mental ealibrc. 1t is
also aware of tho fact that you haven't
red to pay your fine with. Now,
then, if you will meet this court back
of this building on tho level it will
either git away with you in six and q
half minutes or remit the ine. I want
to prove to tho citizens OF Gunnison
that in electing me to the judiciary
they have cast their votes for man
who can spit on his hands in six differ
emit languages and git away with hog
pen full of roughs without having an
ear scratched. Prisoner at tho bar,
have you anything to say?"
The prisoner had. He said he'd
rather 20 to jail. and to Jail he went. :.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10

It was at Nancy, and not at otras-
burg, that the husband and the brother
of Mrs. Mundy came up with the Earl
of Shrewsbury, who had eloped with
her. A detective had been employed.
who telegraphed that the Earl and the
lady were at Nancy. Thither went the
husband and the brother. The happy
pair were in carriage Of q train that
was just starting when the avengers
reached the station. There they arer'
said the detective, pointing to the car
rage. In jumped the husband and tho
brother, and the train went of. Then
ensued the punishment of the Earl.
The young Earl when he comes Of age.
it is said. will marry Mrs. Mundy,
whose husband has sued for divorce.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
6hootae Putty Good.

At Carson City, recently, Young Kce.
. celestial, visited the~ military rifle
practice. He was asked to try shot.
To the surprise of the military men, he
accepted, and essayed to shoot from a
knee rest. and also while lying down.
He was told that he must shoot off
handed: This he refused to do, but f.
nally was allowed to have his own way,
when, coiling himself up on his side,
he thrust the barrel of the rifle between
his feet and aimed for the 200-yard tar
get. Three minutes elapsed, during
which time the soldier boys Uttered and
chuckled at tho Chinaman. At last
when they began to think he had fallen
asleep, he pulled the trigger and made
bulls eye. He continued firing until
he had made 5 bulls eyes in succession,
when, returning the rifle. he remarked,
"Melican mans gun shootce putty
good"
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10

BY means of aaselectric indicator, re-
Gently invented abroad, the water level
in any boiler may be asccrtained at any
distance from the latter. This useful
apparatus consists of an indicating tab
let, constructed in such manner that
it may be placed in any part of tho es-
tablishment, and connected with the
electric indicator, which is fixed at the
top of vertical tube above the boiler.
Wires and platinum plates arc so ar
ranged that when tho water in the boil
CT sinks to a. certain point an electric
current is established which rings sig
nal, while at the Same time tho sign
Glow water appears on the indicating
tablet - thus conveniently insuring
against danger.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10

Charles Reade: II we took half the
pains to be happy that we do to appear
SO, we should be happy indeed.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10

The suicide of Give Hersec, of the
Soldene Opera Company, is said to have
been caused by his wife's scant dress
ing as dancer in Che same show. He
demonstrated with her, but she replied
that she must earn her salary, or she
wouldn't get it. The couple had a
quarrel on The subject in San Francisco,
and at Denver the husband drowned
himself.
The Lacy boys of Madison, Wis,
went to menagerie and became filed
with the idea of starting beast show
of their own, using such material as was
within reach. They painted stripes on
q white pony for zebra sheared the
hind half of big Newfoundland dog
for q lion, cut of the fore legs of calf
for Kangaroo, and were about to mako
q tailless cat by chopping when their
father discovered them.
At the recent State concert in Lon
don, says the London Truth, it was
doubtful up to the last moment whether
Nilsson would have sufficiently recov.
cred from her illness to be able to sing,
but she appeared and was in excellent
voice. She looked very we'll in black,
with q trimming Of red and yellow ros-
es. Singers do not regard palace en-
gagement as catch, as they are not
paid at anything like tho rate current
at private concerts, although tho fee is
much higher than in the old days,
when Grisi used to be content with 80
guineas.
A class of girls in the St. Louis high
school arranged their places at recita-
ton among themselves so that they
might know exactly what question
would come to each, and thus avoid
the bother of learning all the answers
in the lesson. Tho principal suspected
their trick, and spoiled it by mixing
them up. Five of the angry pupils
sought revenge by telling their parents
that he was drunk. He had no difficult
ty in proving his total abstinence, and
the plotters must now apologize or stay
away from school s---.,..
z2.l75
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
A Cannon Twenty Five Feet Lon,

A cannon twenty-five Feet Long.
An enormous cannon, called tho Ly.
man Haskell Accelerating or Multi
charge Gun. is to be made in the Scott
foundry of the Reading Iron Works.
It is to be twenty-five feet long and
have bore six inches in diameter. It
is calculated, that four or five months
will be consumed in its manufacture,
as in making the patterns and boring
out the pockets, - which arc located
along tho bore, tho greatest accuracy
will be required. Experts who have
seen the drawings and have made tho
subject of the manufacture of heavy
ordnance study, have expressed tho
opinion that the gun will throw ball
distance of ton or twelve miles.
whereas five miles is good range for
the best cannon. The charge of pow
der will be 100 pounds and tho weight
of shot $50 pounds. 1t is calculated
that q shot from tho gun will penetrate
through two feet of solid wrought iron.
It will be taken to Sandy Hook when
completed, where it will be thoroughly.
tested.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
The Quality Of Human Flesh.

1uo COVCr VI MISS 1OfuOu cunning
book, Sat Home in Fiji" is decorated
with q representation of q ''cannibal
fork" such as was exclusively used for
eating human flesh. Some of these
forks belonging to the chiefs were
eighteen inches long, of dark polished
wood, with handles richly carved. Tho
ovens still exist in which. tho cannibal
cookery was carried on; and many de-
tails of the process, and the particular
kind of vegetables eaten with such food
are given. Ono chief gave the author
ess his opinion on the relative merits of
pork and human flesh, expressing his
preference for tho latter, and declaring
there's no comparison between thcm!"
The embracing of the missionaries re-
igion, which nccessitatcd the relin-
quishment Of such a dclicacy, becomes
all the moro meritorious on the part of
the Fijians, who had to he satisfied with
inferior meat.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
Maxims for the THOUGHTFUL.

MaXlmS Tor the thoughtful
Boston Transcript.
A burnt. mustache breads the short
cigar.
There's many slip between the pull
pit and the church door.
A silver in your hand is worse than
two thousand in tho hand of your
friend.
Never build castles in the heir.
They are ever liable to be overthrown.
Put a rich man on mule-back and
the mule will throw him just as quick
ly as he would beggar.
Least said the sooner the deadlock is
ended.
Piety is often but knee-deep.
You can't mako a portmonnaie out
of a two-legged calf.
Bangs cover q multitude of wrinkles.
Like the dog in the manger, the nose
is above kissing and is always ready
to interfere with the kissing of others.
When the spring bonnet comes into
the house, money flies out of the
pocket-book.
Oh that mine enemy had been at
homo during spring cleaning!
A cigarette in tho mouth shows
which way the money goes.
Lonesome is whom handsome does.
Tho man who pleads his own case is
unloved of lawyers.
The man who saves five cents bv
walking gives ten to the shoemaker.
Kiss and let kiss.
1t is a short layin' that has no turn
in it.
The boot-tree is known by his boot.
The scissors has two blades, crying
Steal, steal.
Whose diggeth pit should be cast
out of the family circle.
All that blisters is not good medi-
cine.
A feast is good as enough.
He must have q big spoon that must
eat ice cream with a young lady.
Honest tea furnishes its own grounds.
Of two women. choose the one that
will have you.
The beauty is not SO bright as she is
painted.
Two in TRADE seldom agree.
Speech is cheap, but votes are what
A woman after his own heart is
what plcaseth the man.
Money is the principal thing; there
fore get money; and with all the get
tings get it well invested.
A soft answer turneth the stomach.
The coal-hole goeth before destruc-
ton, and banana skin before fall.
A bald head is . fly's paradise.
The race is not to the swift, but to
the bookseller.
A short-time note soon goes to pro
test.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10

A recent issue of the London Times
had seventy-one columns Of advertise
ments.
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
An Admiring Father.

There was Joy on the farm when Bon,
tho oldest boy, came back from college
in his sophomore year. and the village
was proud of him. 'sCheese it, Gully"
he said, when he met an old friend, the
son Of . neighbor who joined farms
with his father; .'cheese it, Gully; shove
us your flipper, clench daddles, pardy.
How's his nibs, and what's the new
racketP'' And his proud old father
said. sit was jest worth more n twioe't
the money to hear Ben rattle Of Greek
Just like slsv'r' language" .
New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1881-08-10
Miss T. Westphal,

Keeps on hand large and well
assorted stock of MILLINERY, FANCY
GOODS and zEPHR WOOL, opposite the
Union Hotel, between second and
Third North streets.
NEW ULM, -MINN.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1881-06-30
FORT MILL ACADEMY.
FORT MILL, S. G. June 23d, 1881

FORT MILL, .. ". June Lou, 1901.
Mr.. Editor: 1t is with pleasure that We
chronicle the close of the fifth year of the
Fort Mill Academy. The most sangune
homes of its friends have been more than rea
lized. The academy is an established lnstl'
tuition and success. The public examlna
ton began on Friday, the 9th instant, and
ended the 10th. While the Principals con-
Quoted the examination, yet any patron or
visitor was priviledged to ask the class any
question pertaining to the subec under con-
sideration. The pupils show their thorough
ness in training, by the prompt and correct
answers given. In the classics and mathe'
mates, many of the students would have
reflected credit upon, and even SURPASSED
some College examinations we nave heard
Owing to the large number of scholars, two
nights were given to the Exhibition:
On Thursday night, the smaller boys and
girls, splendidly entertained quite a full
house.
On Friday night, the exercises were opened
with PRAYER by the Rev. Mr.. Matthews, of
townsville, S. C. Leo. E. Wilson, Esq,
of Charlotte, N. c., delivered the address
to the school. We will not attempt, even
SYNOPSIS of it on account Of space; but say
that it abounded in good advice to young
men, and was an excellent address. This is
the second time we have enjoyed the pleasure
of hearing Mr.. Wilson, who is q ready, elo-
quent and instructive speaker. Then follow
ed charades, speeches, &c., all of which were
very entertaining. Fifteen young gentlemen
contended for the prize in Defamation, Of
fered by Capt. S. E. White. Many of the
speakers did remarkably we'll; but in the
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1881-06-30
SOUTH CAROLINA NEWS.

- Maj. A. G. Spain, a prominent lawyer,
died at his home in the town of Darlington,
on the 22ud instant, after lingering illness,
The trustees of Woford College have
elected Prof F. C. Woodward, of Virginia, to
the Professorship of Greek and Latin.
The net earnings Of the South Carolina
Railroad, so far in 1881, exceed those of 1880
by $4,000.
- Judge Hudson, at Anderson. recently
sentenced two men to three months imprison.
ment each, for carrying concealed weapons.
- Reports to the department of agriculture
are being compiled, which show that only half
an oat crop has been made throughout the
State.
- Judge Mackey denies the statement that
he sentenced Priester to the asylum for life.
He only said that an order committing him
operated under the law as life sentence.
The records show that 1898 liens have
been filed in Spartanburg county during the
present season, averaging about SIS each, and
making grand total of s273,000, and yet
the clerk says "still they come"
Mr.. Jerome P. Chase, of Florence, has
been elected member of the House of Rep
resentatives for Darlington county, to supply
the vacancy occasioned by the resignation of
Mr. E. w. Cannon.
One of the first lot of immigrants brought
out by Colonel Butler, and who is employed
by Mr.. Holler, of Rock Hill, has sent to
Superintendent Boykin $40 to pay the pas.
sage of his wife and two children from Stettin,
Prussia, to Columbia This shows what an
energetic immigrant can do
The State board of canvassers have can.
vassed the returns for Congress in the first
District with the following result: Samuel
Dibble, 7,344; E. W. M. Mackey, 300; scat
tering, 4. Dibble has gone to Washington to
file his credentials with the clerk of the House
Of Representatives.
The Rock Hill Herald says: "Prohibi-
ton has been attended with great benefit to
our town. The drinking and loa6ng that
were formerly done are now conspicuously
absent Men now come to town, get their
supplies and then 60 home. A great deal Of
time is thus saved and put to good use, which
would otherwise be worse than lost.
- The bar of Edgefeld held meeting last
week in honor of Gen. M. w. Gary, and
passed appropriate resolutions. Hon. j. c.
Sheppard, Solicitor Bonham and Judge Press
ley spoke, and letter eulogizing Gen. Gary,
written by Senator Butler, was read. After
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1881-06-30
THE THORNWELL ORPHANAGE.

CLINTON, S. c., June 26th, 1871 desire
again, throu gh your columns, to acknowledge
with eminent thanks, box of bedding, cloth,
clothing, provisions and sundries, received
from the ladies and merchants Of Yorkville,
as a donation to the Thornwell Orphauage.
Yours is a noble and generous.hearted COM
munity, one that feel proud of having been
born in. Many time since the orphanage
was originated, nine years ago, have l had
occasion to return thanks as now. AS York
Vile remembers the fatherless so may the
Master bless and remember Yorkville.
VIM. P. JACOBS,
President Thornwell Orphanage.