Connecticut western news., 1881-03-16
WIT AND WISDOM.

| lengthen courtshlps.
 WHAT is everybody doing at the same time ?-Growing old. t
 IT IS curious that the pig must bs killed before he can be cured.
 "A NEW way to pay old debts" is to take the cash and pay them.
 THE thermometer is one of the few things that can fail without hurting itself.
 "I WAS down once myself" remarked Q feather in a lady's hat, when it saw her take seat on the icy pavement. CONNECTICUT could raise 1000 men inside of sixty days for war, and not more than half would want to be colonels. F AVIAN named Tassell drowned himself at Pittsburg the other day. Too much corn in the Tassel was what ailed him.
 "WHAT is home where love is notf' asks susceptible young poet It's mighty interesting place-to the neigh bors.
 BERaH is great hearted. He can even feel for hornet. And you'd ought to see him do it when the insect gets down his back.
 THE movement to have eggs sold by the pound rather than by the dozen is believed to be d conspiracy against the bantam hen.
 THE ingenuity shown by cats in open- ing doors is something admirable. They also show much ingenuity in opening concerts.
 GAN OUNCE of prevention is worth pound of cure." In case a man assaults
 another good pound of prevention
 may prevent murder.
 YouNa clergyman at a clerical meet
 ing: "I merely throw out the idea"
 Old minister: "Well, think that is the
 best thing you can do with it."
 WASHINGTON had so many body ser-
 wants people are beginning to wonder
 if that wasn't what killed him. He never
 seemed to take anything for them.
 "MoNEX does everything for man,"
 said an old gentleman, pompously, "Yes," replied the other man, "but
 money won't do as much for a man as
 some men will do for money" 70
 AFTER the party. Elderly Coquette
 "And I'm sure you naughty girls sat up
 ever so late, talking us over How I
 should like to have hid myself behind e , screen and heard it all! Horrid Boy {: "No, you wouldnt!
 THEY had been at the masquerade, 3 where she recognized him at once. "Was it the loud beating of your heart, 7 my darling, that told you I was near ? murmured he. ooh, mo-" she replied, "I recognized your crooked legs" "THERE are seventeen and half men '- to every female in the Territory of Da' ' kota." "Well," said Miss Jones, ( spinster, when she read the above item,
 "if girls know what I know, they 'dtaks z. that half man rather than none at all. q EMMA ABBOTT says that she went te IF several insane asylums before she found V popular ideal for the insanity of Lucia a but where she got that kiss from none T. but those who have lived on Long Island " and have heard men treading for soft 's clans at low tide can tell.
 o TENDER consideration Fair Littlt e Stranger (suddenly)-"What eIevel ,t artist you are p Our artist is hashful h and blushes in silence. Fair Little F. Stranger (after long pause)-'Do yor d mind being called an artist ?" Oul n bashful artist bushes deeper still. l. Figaro represents little boy asking d "Papa, what, then, is it that distin l. guishes civilization from barbarismp 2 y ooh, it is quite simple," replies thu le parent; 'scivilization kills its enemy 8 p 5000 metres with cannon ball ane le barbarism chops off his head with { le sabre" l. MR. CABE1n, a member of Congress 'e from Virginia, lately received the fol er lowing request from a constituent :- le "My friend, MT. Hoere, years ag' y moved West; I cannot hear from him 1t Will you please go to the Census Office of look over the lists and send me wor' y where he is ?"
 A MOTHER had taught her little gir
 to repeat, at a Sabbath-school concert
 tue text, "Ho, every one that thirsteth G. come ye to the waters l" When eyeninI in came, she very calmly, with self-posses m sion, said: "Every one that hoes, com rn and get drink P Her astonishment wa = great when she saw the laughter of tn If audience.
 ,u THE story told by Nora Perry of tn D. child who dressed up doll to represen at Dr. Bartol reading paper to her "dolls ad club" recalls that of another little Bos m ton girl who called one of her dolls, m jointless creature, her "woman's right n. doll" "But why do you call her 50
 asked her aunt, lecturer upon tha at much discussed question. "Oh, cause ed Aunt X.,' the child answered, "she Id just like you; she can't ever sit dow nd and be comfortable"
 to WHEN the late Senator Matt H. Cal lr- penter was boy he did not like to wor ut on the farm. One day his father le it home, telling him to hoe patch of pt ,e- tatoes and giving him two shiuings wit he which to hire help. He bought shi his ling's worth of whisky and secured a
 Irishman to help him. He would stan he at the end ot row and give the man er- drink as fast as he got round to hin ck The potatoes were soon hood and Ma te. saved shilling. he WHEN some of the members of Be