Huntsville gazette., 1881-08-20
SpOopendyke Goes A.Gunning.

"Say, my dear," said Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke, as he drew gun from the case
and eyed it critically, ST want you 10
wake me up early in the morning, I'm
going shooting"
"Isn't that too sweet.'' calculated
Mrs. Spoopendyke. "I'll wear my new
dress and my Saratoga waves. Where
do we go?n
"I'm going down on the island, and
you'll probably 60 as far as the front
door," grunted Mr.. Spoopendyke.
"Women don't go shooting. It's only
men. All you've got to do is to wake
me up and get breakfast. When l come
home we'll have some birds"
Won't that be niceP" chimed Mrs.
Spoopendyke. Scan you catch birds
with that thing?" and Mrs Spoopendyke
futtered around the improved breach
loading shotgun, firmly impressed with
the idea that it was some kind of trap.
g. can kill 'em with this" explained
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "This is gun, my
dear; it isn't nest with three speckled
eggs in it, nor is it barn with hole in
the roof. You stick the cartridge in
here and pull this finger piece, and down
| JULIUS your UlIu cFcIy
"Wel, isn't that the greatest thing!
| suppose if you don't want partridge
you can stick duck or a turkey in that
end, too, or fish or a lobster, and bring
it down just as quick"
Yes, or you can stick house, or
corn-feld, or a dod-gasted female idiot
in there, too, if you want to!' snorted
Mr.. Spoopendyke. "Who said anything
about PARTRIDGE It's cartridge that
goes in there!"
"Oh!" calculated Mrs. Spoopendyke,
rather crestfallen. 81 see now. Where
does the bird go?''
"He goes TO night-school if he hasn't
got any more sense than you have, =
snorted Mr.. Spoopendyke, "Look here,
now, and I'll show you how it works"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke, whose ideas of a
gun were about as vague as those of his
wife, inserted the cartridge half way in
the muzzle end, and cautiously cooked
the weapon.
"And when the bird sees that he
comes and pecks at it. Isn't that the
funniest" and Mrs. Spoopendyke clap
ped her hands in the enjoyment of her
discovery. "Then you put out your
hand and catch him!''
"You've struck it," hOwled Mr..
Spoopendyke, who had the hammer on
the half cock, and was vainly pulling at
the trigger to get it down. 'sThat's 'sLI.e
idea! All you need is four feathers and
a gas bill to be a martingale! With your
notions you only want a new stock and
a steam trip-hammer to be needle-gun!
Don't you know the dod -gasted thing
has got to go off before you get birdp
You shoot the birds; you don't wait for
'em to shoot you."
ssAt home we used to always chop
their heads off with an AK" faltered
Mrs. Spoopendyke.
$50 would [ if was going after
measly old hens" retorted Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, who had managed to uncock
the contrivance, "but when | go for
yellow birds and sparrows / 60 like a
sportsman. While I'm waiting for
Bird" continued Mr.. Spoopendyke, ad-
justing the cartridge at the breech, II
put the load in here for safety. And
when | see flock | aim and fire.
Bang! went the gun, knocking the
tail feathers out of ;tn eight day clock,
and plowing foot furrow in the wall,
perforating the closet door, and culmi-
mating in Mr.. Spoopendyke's plug hat.
Goodness, gracious!" squeakcd Mrs.
Spoopendyke. "Oh, my!"
Mr.. Spoopendyke gathered himself up
and contemplated the damage.
"Why couldn't ye keep still?" he
shrieked. "What'd ye want to disturb
my aim for and make me let it off?
Think l can hold back charge of pow
der and pound of shot while measly
woman is soaring it through gun bar
rel?"
elf that had been a bird, how nicely
you would have shot suggested Mrs.
Spoopendyke, soothingly. elf you
should ever aim at bird, you'd catch
him, sure!''
"Oh! you know what | could do!
With your information about gunnery
you only need a wad in your mouth and
kick like mule to be mountain
howitzer! If l had your intelligence on
sporting subjects, I'd hire out for shot
tower! Don't you know you've spoiled
the dod-gasted gun?" And Mr.. Spoop-
endyke, anxious for some excuse to take
it back to his friend Specklewottle who
loaned it to him, held it out and eyed
his wife sternly You've ruined that
gun,'' he continued solemnly. 1t won't
ever 60 off again
"Never mind, DEAR" consoled Mrs.
Spoopendyke "It's been off enough,
and I'd just as lief have some CLANS as
birds. You 60 to bed and We'll try and
do without any birds"
"It won't ever 60 off again. repeat
ed Mr.. .Spoopendyke, as he climbed into
his couch. "That is ruined gun,"
and he turned his face to the wall.
Mrs. Spoopendyke slowly disrobed,
having first turned a stream Of water
into the gun from the faucet, and betook
her to rest. "It may not 60 off again."
she thought, "but if it does, the neigh
bors viii think the Waterman has
BURST" with which reflection she began
to pat the ear of Mr. Spoopendyke, who
turned over like an earthquake, and
wanted to know if she thought she
hadn't done enough mischief without
lamming him like dod-gasted black
| D,rooJ-I,,,, EouJp