The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1881-03-31
WIT AND HUMOR.
SIC transit-An ambulance wagon.

SIC translt-An ambulance wagon.
A TIGHT fit-Delirium tremens
EVERY mans house is his castle, but
every man can't be King of Ashantee.
ONE is a seal ring and the other is
real sing. Eh? Sure enough. What
was the conundrum?
A YOUNG man described taxidermist
to q bevy of young girls as one who sort
O. upholsters animals He took the
cake.
The difference between the Fenian
leader and an advance agent is that one
is Head Center, while the other is sent
ahead.
NEVER address your conversation to q
person engaged in footing up column
of figures. There's nothing SO deaf as
an adder.
AN Lishman who was found guilty of
stealing lot of coffee was asked by the
magistrate what he did with it. "Made
tay with it, ;" was the Hibernian's reply.
Youka lady, examining some bridal
veils-" Can you really recommend this
one 2" Over-zealous shopman-" Oh,
yes, miss 1t may be used several
times"
"rM afraid the bed is not long enough
for YOU" said the landlord to seven
| foot guest. "Never mind, he replied
"I1l add two more feet to it when
get in"
"Wmn you name the bones of the
head p said teacher to one Ct his
class. "Pve got 'em all in my head,
teacher" replied the pupil, "but I can't
give 'em away"
| "pLI take your arm, Miss Ida, please
| Good faith I've need to cling to-"
| "Good faith, indeedi" said she, but then,
My arm is not the thing to
Impart you thatl" Responded he,
"aood faith is bona fde, girl,
And this is bone of Ida"
We are constantly told that "the
evening wore on but what the even
ing wore on such occasions we are not
informed. Was it the close of q sum-
mer's day?
WH9 is thief your only true phi
losopher? Because he regards every
thing from an abstract point of view, is
opposed to all notions of protection,
and is open to conviction.
THIS is little coeducatonal scene:
Professor ssWho will see Mr.. B. before
next Monday?" Lady student, hesitat-
ing and blushing a little more :" shall
see him Sunday night, probably"
The Philadelphia Ne,os man is per-
son of experience. He says: ga Boston
man has invented new word-tAstron-
ometeorology.' It means what man
sees when he suddenly runs against
lamp-post.
A YOUNG man in the "Answers to
Correspondents column in New York
paper asks "How can I gain copious
command of language P" We would
suggest that he try sitting down on
tack. .-Louisvi1e Courier-Jous7,al.
COURTESY opens many doors" says
the old adage: "This may be true. as
far as it goes, says commentator; 'but
you might stand before bank-building
and courtesy till you spinal column was
as timber as an old postage-stamp, yet
the doors wouldn't swing back on their
hinges worth a cent. )"
A CLERGYMAN, being annoyed by some
of his audience going out while he was
preaching, took for his text, "Thou art
weighed, and found wanting" Soon
after commencing his discourse, he said,
"You will please pass out as fast as you
are weighed"
HE was 70 and she was 18, and they
were on their wedding tour. He pointed
out to her the beautiful scenery, and
said "We may have many anniver-
saries of this season" Yes," she
answered, "you will probably live long
enough to have a tin wedding"
pRsDEMoNA.
| told her Of my three years cruise,
Its haps and mishaps; and, when
Had finished, in her sweet, rapt muse,
She murmured breathleesly, " myI"
| And when told my journeys Ger,
From arid zone to lands Of SNOW,
She paused In wonderment before
She softly cried, " You don't say sol"
| And whsn told Of dangers fears
Our shipwreck, when we suffered So
Half frightened, and almost in tears,
Shs fsltered forth, " I want to knowi"
-Scribners Magazine.
A PHYSICIAN having duel on his
hands requests two of his friends to ar
range with his adversary the hour of the
meeting. "Make it tomorrow" he
says, "but not in the forenoon, because
I must visit four patients before going
to the ground" "I see, murmurs one
of the seconds, che wants to get his
hand in" a E5J
"YEs," said q witness, "I remember
the DESCENDANTS mother crying on the
occasion referred to. She was weeping
with her left eye-the only one she has
and the tears were running down her
right check" "Whati" exclaimed the
Judge, "How could that be ?" "Please,
your Honor" said the witness, "she was
awfplly oross-eysd."