The Portland daily press., 1881-03-31
Spoopendyke.
The Difficulties of an Orator.
lBrooklyn Eagle.l

[Brooklyn Eagle.l
"Now, my dear" said Mr.. Spoopendyke, as
he drew writing imaterials toward him. "now,
want your woman's wit. These fellows in
sst that must respond to the toast, Woman
tomorrow night, and must prepare few
remarks. If we both go at it, we'll get up
something nice''
"What you want" argued Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, entering into the spirit of the undertake
ing, and tapping her teeth with her thimble,
"What you want is woman in her various
phases.'
what want is a speech" retorted Mr..
Spoopendpke. "They haven't put me down
for panorama. 1 want a short address, full
OF good points and pleasant things about the
ladies. Now I shall begin, Fellow citi-
zens-'"
"But women amt fellow citizens I should
say"
"You'd say, fellow back hair that's what
you'd say. I'm addressing the people, and
they're all men: don't you see? I've got to
commence somewhere, and then 1 90 on.
Now, Fellow citizens regarding women; our
origin, our companions, our posterity, our
mothers, our wives and our daughters, what
more can we say than that they give us life,
make it happy and soothe it's declne?' How's
that?''
SIS that the same woman?'' asked Mrs
Spoopendyke, bending over the table. at
don't strike me that she would care to have it
put that way. Why not say: Fellow citizens;
we are assem-"
whats the matter with you?" demanded
Mr.. Spoopendyke, 'I've got to open with a
sentiment, and you can't find anything more
graceful than that Then I will go on; she
rises in the cradle, reaches her meridian at
the altar, and goes down in flood of dew at
the grave Can you grasp all that?"
81 don't like that as well as the other" re-
monstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke. You make
her mother while she's baby, and as for the
grave part, you don't stop to think that she
may be another meridian by getting married
again. would say something. like this: 'fel-
low citizens, we are assem-"
No, 1 won't either. Who's going to get
married again? Cant you see that I'm only
carrying out the the first idea of origin compan-
ionship and posterity? Rising in the cradle
Suppose say next: We revere her as mother,
adore her as wife, and-and,' say what do we
do for her as daughter?"
"Well, you might say, we dress her, and ed
ucate her, and keep an eye on her, and-and-
and"
Spank her! dod CAST i'll Spank herl Why
| don't you say spank her?" howled Mr.. Spoop-
endyke. Cant you think of something poet
| ical? I've got that we revere our mothers and
| adore our wives and want something for the
| daughter Can't you originate something?"
1--WE provide home for her. Wouldn't-?"
Eyes, of course!' raved Mr.. Spoopendyde
| "That's the idea, that fixes it! All you want
now is two prolonged daughters, four CON
rcia
| voice to be an oration! Fellow citizen, we
| furnish her with poached eggs and beans! Fell
| low citizens, we revere her as q mother, we
adore her as wife, and as daughter, we
change the sheets once week! Fellow citi-
| zens, we pass her the gravy! Fellow citiZensp
| yelled Mr.. Spoopendyke gesticulating like a
horse chestnut tree, 4" Fellow citizens, if she
wants her beef rare, we give it to her! Fellow
citizens, we give her all the dod gasted butter
i she can paste on her breadn is that what you
| want me to say? Expect I'm going to stand
| around and make measly ass of myself? Eel
| low citizens as mother we revere her! Fellow
| citizens, as wife we adore her! Fellow citizens,
to help man to get up speech she's the dod
| slamdest donkey that ever raised a family'
wah-h-h-h," shrieked Mr.. Spoopendyke, pur-
| pie in the face, "got any more suggestions?
Know any more eloquence?' and the worthy
| gentleman leaned back in his chair speechless.
"Couldn't you leave her out altogether"
recommended Mrs. Spopendyke. Cant you
| just revere her as mother and adore her as
wife? AS for the daughter, you might pass it
over with saying: Fellow citizens, we are
| assem-"
"Yes, or 1 can cut her throat'' proclaimed
Mr. Spoopendyke. 81 can take her to the
| poundl can salt her down for winter use!
bod gast the speech!" and Mr.. Spoopendoke
danced on the fragments of his notes. ITO
morrow night I'll answer that toast by telling
what dod gasted old mule you'd make of any
man that would listen to you," and Mr..
| Spoopendyke banged himself into bed like a
beer spiggot and went to sleep.
| "Well," thought Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she
took down her hair and put it up again, 81
don't see why he couldn't say: Fellow citi-
zens, we are assembled here to say something
poetical about women, and the best can say
is, we show her when we don't always love her.
and we love her when we don't always show
it. That's sensible and it's so," sighed Mrs.
Spoodendyke, falling over her husbands
boots, and then the good woman opened the
window on her spouse's side of the bed, and
sticking few pins in the pillow in case she
should want them in the night she went
| prayerfully to sleep.