Connecticut western news., 1881-04-20
WIT AND WISDOM.

to be clubned.
 BEING in tho pillory is not the thing to regret and be ashamed of, but rather the fact that you deserve to be there.
 TIE raw oyster is the lazy mans friend. An assistant opens the oyster, and Ill the lazy man has to do is to open his mouth.
 THERE are only fourteen gambling houses in Chicago. "We would have more," says a local paper, "but there are not fools enough to support them."
 WHEN Philadelphians see man with black eye, bloody nose, and gen. crally larruped appearance, they point to him and whisper, "Hes 0 states man."
 Ir IS proposed to erect crematory at Brooklyn. An exchange says the general belief is that they have only to dig short distance in order to find one ready to hand.
 WHEN 0 distressed looking person rings your door bell late at night and says he only wants one word with you you may be pretty sure that that one word is money.
 THERE arc undoubtedly great many things which are better than riches: but riches arc good enough for those of us who feel humble and wish to leave some- thing for other people.
 A FARMER out West, on being told that he ought to dress hedge which enclosed his garden, replied that his wife dressed it every Monday by hang ing out her clothes on it.
 IF OTHER people only had as high an opinion of us as wo have of ourselves, we should all be drawing large salary and driving in the park every after noon. We are poor because we are not | appreciated
 Two MEN in Accomao County, Va., engaged in @ quarrel as to whether there were thirty or forty days in a month, and the forty day man had to beat the other man within an inch of his life be- fore he could convince him of his er- TOT.
 AN aged negro was the other day showing the scars of the wounds infiict- ed by the lash when he was 0 slave. "What picturer' exclaimed Q sympa. thiziug looker-on. "Yes," responded the colored brother, "dnts de work ob dc old masters"
 GENERAL WooD says that in their war with the Boers the British soldiers "lost no prestige" This probably is true, but Q great many of them are little short on arms and legs, which are quite as useful as prestige when man wants to get Q living.
 A CITIZEN of New Mexico being in- formed that in his absence a panther had attacked his wife, and that she had beaten off and killed the animal, merely shrugged his shoulders, and said :-"Ef that panther had knowed her as we'll as I do he'd never riled her up, you bet.'
 A STORY is told of German shoe- maker, who, having made a pair of boots for gentleman of whose financial in. teglity he had considerable doubt, made the following reply to him when he called for the articles "Der boots is not quite done, but der beel ish made out"
 AN EXCHANGE says "Of the six hun dred young ladies attending Vassar, no two can agree as to what they would do in case they saw bear" Now, this is libel on the ladies, for were he we'll dressed and respectable, five hundred and ninety of them would wait with ) curious impatience to sec if he proposed to hug them.
 A LITTLE moral courage would help
 us out of great many difficult places. A confirmed firt said to gentleman, "Next Wednesday afternoon I shall be at home, and alone." It was great temptation, but the hero quietly saved himself by answering, "Ah, indeed ; , why, so shall I r
 "How DO YOU like the character of
 St. Paul" asked a parson of his land-
 lady one day, during a conversation
 about the old saints and the apostles. "Ab, he WAS 0 good, clever old soul, know," replied the landlady, "for hs = once said, you know, that we must eat T. what is set before us, and ask no ques' T. tions for conscience's sake. I always 5 thought I should like him for board , er."
 G A GREAT many curious and funny l., stories are told of good Mather Byles n who could not repress his comicalities
 and who was jocose in spite of his Puri l. tanism. Ono cold winter day he wa ,r mailing list on his door. A parishione I, said, Doctor, don't you know that tn, ,1 wind bloweth where it listeth ?" "Yes, o was the quick reply, "and know als' , that every man of common sense l1stetl II wheresoevtr the wind bloweth." r. THE other evening funny man wen
 home in a good humor, and after kiss
 ing his wife, said <: "My dear, as you l' name is Garlic, and, as you are tn D. flower of my family, suppose I hay Ce the right to call you my Carlie-aower S. he! he '" "Yes," replied his wife, wit Lh sigh, "and as we belong to the sam Lh family I can call you my cabbage-head. K The funny man says that there ar io some women who cannot see through ''l joke with telescope. .o EVEN scolding wite ouce in whil m ,... gets her due. When Dr. South paid 70 visit to Dr. WaterIand the latter aske n n him to stay to dinner. The lady of tf n, house was so insulted about the exit " +rnulaln thnt sIa uas mt to that hi