The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1881-03-16
sPIRITUS FRUMENTI
As Freely Imbibed by Geese, Producing
the Effects Peculiar to the Genus
...~.m" M"m Homo, m@.m. M .a"

@" LADLIOE #""" %@r"@
When geese take to drink, the result is
preposterous. For nature never meant geese
to get intoxicated. In the first place, they
have no hands to hold on to lamp-posts with,
while {. the best Of times their balance is
precarious. Even when sober, a fat goose,
if travelling on uneven ground, constantly
Giants forward on to its back, or backwards
on to its tail; but when inebriated it is utterly
helpless. A short while ago q farmers wife
in Germany had been making some cherry
brandy; but as she found, during the pro-
cess, that the fruit was unsound, she threw
the whole mass out into the yard. and, with
out looking TO see what followed, shut the
window. AS it fell out, a party OF geese,
good fellows all Of them, happened to be
waddling by at the time, and, seeing tie
cherries trudling about, at once investigated
them. The preliminary inquiry proving sat
isfactory, these misguided poultry set to and
ate the whole lot. sNo heeltaps" was the
order Of the carouse, and so they finished aIl
the cherries off at one sitting, so to speak.
The effect of the spirituous food was soon
apparent, for On trying to make the gate
which led from the scene Of the debauch to
the horse pond, they found everything
against them. Whether a high wind got up,
or what had happened, they could not tell,
but ii seemed to the geese as if there was an
uncommonly high sea running, and the
ground set in toward them with a steady
strong swell that was most embarrassing to
progress. TO escape these difficulties some
dashed their rudders and hove to, others tried
to run before the wind. while the rest tackled
to the pig-stye. But there was no living IN
such weather, and one by one the craft
lurched over and went down all standing.
Meanwhile the dame, the unconscious cause
of this disaster, was attracted by the noise in
the foWlyard, and looking out saw all her
ten geese behaving as if they were mad. me
gander himself, usually SO solmn and deco
rous, was balancing himself on his beak, and
spinning round the while in q prodigious
furry of feathers and dust, while the old
gray goose, remarkable even among her
kind for the circumspectIon Of her conduct,
was lying stomach upward IN the gutter,
feebly gseticulating with her legs. Others
Of the party were NO less conspicuous for the
extravaganza Of their attitudes and gestures,
while the remainder were to be seen lying ia
O helpless confusion of feathers in the lee
scupper- that is to say, the gutter BY the
pig-stye. Perplezed by The spectacle, the
dame called in her neighbors, and after care
full investigation it was decided in council
that the birds had died of poison. Under
these circumstances their carcasses were
worth nothing for food, but, as the %neighbors
said, the feathers were not poisoned, and so
thew set to work then and there, and plucked
the ten geese bare.
Next morning the good woman got up as
usual, and, remembering the feathers down
stairs. dressed betimes, fer it was market day
and she hoped to get them off her hands at
once. And then she b%ethought her of the
ten plucked bodies lying in the porch, and re-
solved that they should be buried before she
went out But as she approached the door,
on these decent rites intent, and was turning
the key, there fell on her ears the sound Of a
familiar volce-and then another and another,
until, at last, the astonished dame heard in
full chorus the we'll known accents OF all her
plucked and poisoned geese. The throat OF the
old gander was, no doubt, q tr111e husky, and
the gray goose spoke in muff1ed tones sug-
eestiye of q Christening headache; but there
was no mistaking those tongues, and the
dame, fumbling at the door, wondered what
it all might mean. Has q goose 9 ghost!
Did anyone ever read or hear Of a spectre OF
q gander? The key turned at last, the door
opened, and there quacking in subdued tones,
suppliant and shiyering, stood all her flock.
There they stood, the ten miserable birds,
with splitting headaches and parched tongues
contrite and detected, asking to have their
feathers back again. I'he situation was pain
full to both parties. The forlorn geese saw
in each others persons the humilitating re-
Election Of their own condition. while the
dame. guilty conscious of that bagful OF
feathers and down, remembered how the
Lapse Of Noah. ii that tagged surprisal OF six
hundred years and unexpected lnebrlat1on
from the unknown effects Of Wine," has been
excused by religion and the unanimous voice
of his posterity. She. and her neighbors,
with her, however, had hastily misjudged the
geese, and, finding them dead drunk, had
stripped them, without remembering for .
moment that If feathers are easy to get OFT
they gre very hard to put on. So she called
in her ueighbors again, but they proved only