Daily Republican., 1881-10-06
I SHOULD SMILE.
HumOf fer Those who Like 70
Read komethinE To-day.
THK OLD WHEEL.

THH OLD wHELP.
An old gentleman any lady living II
North st. Joseph we're in flutter tn
other day. They had found letter IL
thei. daughters pocket which hal
shocked them terribly.
There she stood, the apple OF theil
eyes, trembling with expressed tears
Their frOwns deepeued ~ the mother
, wiped her glassos, preparatory to read
, ing. 1t began: "Angel of my exist
enCe.'
"What :" howled the male parent
"you don. mean TO Say 1t besins like
that Oh ! that achild of mine should
correspond Without pray proceed my
dear"
"Hem ! existence spelled with "a
fool" proceed madam.
why, the lunatlc can spell, chip
ped in the old man.
at is impossible for me to describe
the Joy with which your presence has
filled me-"
"Then, why does he attempt II, ass,
But pray don't let inc interrupt you.
Go on, go on, let the joy be uncon:
tlned.'
"I've spent the whole night thinking
Of you CHATS picturesque anyway and
in bitterly deriding the besotted, ohsti-
nate old whelp who will not consent "a
our union"
ooh, let me get at him Whelp Ii
thy servant a toad that he should thus
be spoken Of ="
"Bnt. Theodorous, my DEAR" inter.
rupted his better half.
ayes. yes; one moment. was about
to observe that the hand that could pen
such words would not hesitate to scalp
the most cherished relative
"Theodnrous, didn't see this over
the left -
| "Eh ! lot me soc; hum. "fours,
with all the love OF my heart. Theodor-
ous, May 10, 1885, Why. bless my
eyes, it's ono of my letters (Sensa-
tom
ayes, pa," chimed in olive brsncf,
81 found it in the closet yestorday-ohiy
you wouldn't let NE speak
"You may 60 to the park, my child.
| Hem-we've made n nice meas or it.
eyes, love. Next tim, We will look
at the date first
MORE THAN HIS MATCH.
An ignorant luack instituted suit
for medical services against his neigh
Dor, and became himself a witness. A
MIR. Williams, who was employed to
defend the suit. and expose the quack.
cry and worthlessness OF services rem
dcred, subjected the doctor to the fol-
lowing cro.s-exa'ninatlon:
Did you treat tho patient accord ing
t. the most approved rule OF surgery"
I asked the counsel.
By all means-certainly did, replied
the witness.
Did you decapitate him? inquired the
counsel.
Undoubtedly dd-that was Il matter
OF course, answered the doctor.
Did you perform the ;e'arean opera
lion upon him"
my, OF course. answered the wit
less; hiscondition reluiredi'; 1t was at
tended with great success.
Did you, then, still queried tho ooun-
sci, snbject his person to autopsy.
Certainly, replied the witness, that
was the very last remedy l adopted
Well, then, doctor, said the counsel.
as YOU first cut oti' the defendants :
head, then dissecte.i him, and he still
survives it, have no more to ask; anu
if your claim survives it, quackery de-
serve to be immortal.
OF course there was nonsult.
THE BAD BOYS AND THK GOOD OH
MAN.
"Any chestnuts round here?' asked
one of three boys, who met an aged,
bent violent looking farmer out IN
Montgomery county. The old mai. hes
ilated. "Oh, no, We Just want to
find out" "Well, there's few trees
back there; but if | thought that you
wanted to steal them, would not baVe
told you az the owner has gone to town.
But you are bright, honest-looklng
boys" The boys blushei with pride
of conscious goodness, "When will
the owner be back" "Well, not be-
fore dark, | reckon" The boys respec.
lively thanked the old man, waited till
h got ont of sight, jumped over the
fence, and were soon shaking down the
burs. The shaking Of the burs was
easy enough, but the opening of them
was more difficult and unpleasant. At
last the boys had n splendld pile OF
nice brown chestnuts lying upon the
ground, and they prepared t" put them
in the bags they had brought win
lher.
please don't take any more troll
be," said the benevolent ol mAn, who
stood by the fence, besming kindly on
he startled boys. Il AIN not 80 str ny
as once was,..and fear | cant hold
this dog much longer. If you'll hurry,
though, CUES. can keep htni here
till you got TO the railroad track.
Down, Tiger, down sir!' As the boys
looked back from the railroad track
they saw the STOPPING figure ot tho Old
man scooping the rich brown cAestnuts
into two bushsl bag.
TWO OF A TRADE.
Scene-New Yurk pier; artist and
house-p .intrr leaving steamer. ''House
painter 81 see you're brother
brush" Artist, annoyed; "What"" 2"
sarcastic. "ls figure or landscape
your forte?" II. T.: Architectural.
A wis pttin' the inside o Stable the
day. What were you busy at"'
Artist: II gave the first coat to the
outside of loch, second-coated u couple
of villages, few pine trees And hill.
side, and finished thunder-oloud and
a flash of lightniDg." H. p: "Good
ness, gracious: Piece work, l sup
pose""
AFRAIDaF THE DOcToAs-
One of the palatial stores with which
Broadway is lined is owned by a veal
thy Fifth avenue physician, who is,
accustomed, on uuarter.day, TO drive
down to the stoie and collect the rent.
The tenant some time ago, in tellns of
a visit from his landlord, thus delivered
Doctor came, and shook
hands, and chatteG u moment, AND
.h., ,ou,aI intn the h1ck rNnn and