The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1881-02-09
No. AS.



Job was doctor--that 4, patisnt man.
How to shine 10 society polished up.
Is the knot in the porker's tail q pig stye
A study In OIL The attempt to get sardiue
out whole.
chessnuts don't have wings, but are sort or
burredlike.
Marriage makes the man the woman was
maid before.
J, "The Old oaken Bucket is good enough
till the rope breaks.
"swans sing before they die" They have
to, If they sing at all.
winter resort-Blowing on your cold
fingers. -New York Neps.
! Familiar quotations--The price of stocks
Boston Commercial Bulletin.
An American Presidents pay-s5o, 600 a
year and bored Courier Journal.
Meriden man has Bible 14s years old.
Strange how long Bible may be made to last
by temperate usage
There has been something too much of Ca
madam weather Struggled over the border this
winter.-Boston Transcript.
The London Lao Journal advertises a "Law
Coach" We suppose this has something To
do with conveyancing. Albany journal.
Jones has just visited deaf mute school.
He says the exercises were quite interesting.
but not pronounced success -Erchanoe.
kan trace all ov mi bad LUX to bad mauaoe.
/ ms nd Ill 4
be az honest as am about it.--JosA Billings.
The book agent knows he is sold when he
wipes his feet on a door-mat in which the
word Welcome" is woven. -Nep Orlsan.
Picayune.
The Cars yacht makes fifteen knots an
hour, and it isn't circumstance to neet.le.
full of thread that man is trying to fasten a
button with.-Boston Post.
Patrick comes to the morgue to claim a
lost relative. Has he any popularity by
which he can be recognized ?" asks the
guardian. Yes he is dumb"
/" Never borrow trouble" said husband
to his wife. "0h let her borrow it IL she
car" exclaimed the next door neighbor; she
never returns anything, you know"
There are said to be more editors in than
out of prison in Russia. But all things have
their compensations. Even the spring poet
has no terrors for those perr up gpsn drivers.
Truth, crushed to earth, will rise again.
But II it be crushed to earth, 1t lies Aud If
1t lies it cannot be truth. Therefore, it can
not rise again. @. E. D.--I'hitadeIphia BuI-
letin.
Father Time is pictured as an old and bald
headed gentleman but he manages to skip
around quite lively all the same in spite of
being handicapped by agricultural imple-
ments.
A father and two sons will serve in this
years Gloucester city government, and an
exchange calls it a " singular circumstance .
1t seems to MS rather plural circumstance.
Losoeu Courier.
An exuberant youth halls supposed ac-
quaintance with, Hello, Joe - but, finding
his mistake, adds, oh, excuse me thought
you were another man !" Laconic stranger
answers, 81 am -
1t is proposed to have girls for pages in the
Ohio Legislature. The male population has
been exhausted by the continual drain occa-
stoned by the demand for Ohio men for public
offices. Transcript
Nautical Husband (jokingly)--" Oh, I'm
the nainstay of the family" Wife" Yes,
and the jib-boom and the--and the " Small
boy from experience) =" And the spanker,
too, mamma" Applause
A millionaire, who was looking at level
tract of land which he had just bought at an
extravagant price, said to the agent who had
sold it to him, 81 do admire rich green
fiat" $50 do l." significantly replied the
agent.
The easiest way for man to get his name
changed is to try and have 1t set up in type.
Nine chances in ten 1t is sure to be printed
wrong, and 1t is often SO transmogrifled that
the owner wouldn't recognize it on sight
Kansas city Times.
, A small boy went to see his grandmother
| After looking eagerly around the handsomely
! furnished room where she sat- he exclaimed,
} inquiringy, "Oh, grandmamma, where is the
miserable table papa says you keep ? "--Osn-
I cinnati Commercial.
"Gem LEM said the old man, remember
dat 1t am not safe to form an opinyun on q
stranger by de size of his mouf or de number
of his hat. No person can tell de number of
} mules In a barn by looking at de stable door,
: Detroit Free Press.
There is an Oil City boy who was sent out
collecting yesterday. and when he returned
In the evening aud handed in his bills unpaid,
he said "The people around this town like
me first.rate. They were so anxious to see
me often that every man went to told me to
call again."
He was fine. looking man. and he proudly
strutted down the sidewalk with the air of
proprietorship in every movement. Beg
/. pardon" said stranger, as he stepped up to
him, hat in hand, in utmost humility do
n l have your permission to remain IN town
! over night ?"--New Hagen Register.