Connecticut western news., 1881-01-26
WIT AND WISDOM.

says when he gets mad enough to swear.
 BuToHERs sell porter house steak, but you can't get one of them to admit that he sells boarding-house steak. ss seTHE jaw of whale is worth more than the jaw of Congressman" says Representative Crapo, but he, being New Bedford man, is preiudiced. s As THE first navy of which we have any account. Noah's ark was built of gopher wood, MT. Hayes thought that Golfer would be the thing to rebuild our navy. .gr gs.s f. l. ss4vss
 EprsoE has dropped his electric light and is now experimenting to see if q COW cannot be. made to give ice cream by wrapping her in congealed water be- fore milking 4qss ississs.s,ss
 TIE price of a bonnet in Linn de ponds on the currency you have. If Peruvian, the figures are $250; if gold, you can take it along for .$2, and please call again. atg aF
 THERE are some men in the world who are contented with little, and there are others who require less. than even that to make them happy, for they are con- tented with nothing.
 AN American actor says that what English audiences demand is something to make them laugh. They ought to see, a man trying to carve sixteen-year- old turkey with a dull knife.
 PEOPLE out West who are vexed with the eccentricities of the Missouri river say that the vagrant stream goes chas- ing stray bug every little while and wanders away into new channels.
 NEVER turn the cold shoulder to a companion on account of the infrmity which causes his knees to smite togeth- er.r Always bear in mind that "A friend in-kneed is a friend indeed"
 & MRs. BARKER says she believes 1t, believes that this is to be year of wonderful phenomena-fo Barker went to lodge meeting the other night and came home sober.
 AN ExUBERANr youth halls supposed acquaintance with "Hello, Joe," but finding his mistake. adds 70, excuse me; thought you were another man." Laconic stranger answers "I am."
 A CINCINNATI paper ayers that "wo- men dress too hastily" This clearly is "sarkasm," or else the editor never sat for two mortal hours in hired cutter waiting for Angelina to "be down in a moment.
 THE average Governors message is about as interesting to the general pub- lie as the average report of fire insur- ance company, and has about as much effect on legislators as snowball made of feathers.
 Two Rochester men went fishing, and on their return were asked as to their success. "Oh, "said one of them, five had about the same measure of fortune; Brown brought home perch and I g pole."
 IT takes country schoolmaster for shrewdness. When the weather is cold and the eschoolhouse imperfectly heated, he puts the head of the class nearest the stove, and then all the scholars work :. to rank high in. their studies.
 A YOUNG lady who had ordered home g pair of unusually high-heeled boots was flushed by the announcement by Bridget fresh from answering the door bell, "If ye plaize, miss, there's man in the hall below wid pair eff shtilts for yez." .@11 {. <.
 THE big feet warfare in America has received the following addition: eff I was as hat-footed as you are I would not be afraid of slipping on the pave ment. "Yes," was the response; "sorde people are flat at one end and some on the other" ,1
 A covEToUs little girl in Huntsville, Penn, took litter of puppies, which she prized highly, to next-door neigh bor, and wished to exchange them for 8 newly arrived baby. She was greatly when her offer was politely but firmly declined. | CoRcoRAN, the Washington banker, has given away $9,000,0O0 in charity, and yet he is compelled on ride on the cold end of street-car. The world pays more homage to Q money-lender than to @ money-giver. IT WAS at Galveston hotel table that a child attracted considerable attention by saying repeatedly: "T want cakel'' sfYou've had five or six already" re- piled the mother. ''Them's not the ones I want. want fresh one."
 A SUFFICIENT amount of self-coneeit is the secret of happiness. One can revel in his good opinion of himself when the cold world has no opinion of him at all. "My lover, " said young lady, "may have very plain features, but between his nose and his chin he has something which always speaks good word for him.
 CHANCELLOR CROSBY, in a lecture on says that any kind of 8 pledge is debauching to the conscience; that it is straight-jacket which pre- vents the free play of some mems indi- It might occur to some that the free play of some mems individuality is just what is the matter with them, and if pledge would have the same effect as straight-jacket it would be good thing if they would sign three or four.
 THERE IS judge in Galveston whose head is as bald as that of an American