The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1881-05-21
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


The toot assemble --The dinner horn
Stark mad-At the battle OF Bennington.
A pressing neccssity--The tailor's goose.
A sound invcstment-IIiri a brass band,
Capillary attracton-A handsome head OF hair.
Natural philosophy-Eating when You are
hungry.
The great American misunderstanding
Malone and Brady.
Down at Washington they call Gorham Gore
EN-, but he doesn't gore em to hurt much
A friend Of Ciarfields says he has first sra'rt
Of enthusiasm and then goes into AN ague.
The Duke OF Switzerland and party left Que.
bee for Montreal and the West yesterday. " I.
Herald.
Blobbs, being too poor to travel, stad at home.
Don't nudge of a mans character by tae um.
brela he carries. II may not be his.
Isn't there a seeming incongruousuess In de-
scrlbing total abstinence lecturer as at work in
the moral vineyard.
Chicago girls have the aesthetic craze, and are
getting up their hair so that it looks like pile
Of rat traps struck by lightning.
Beechcr says "wc pray too much" That's
probably why so many newspaper men ARE out
at the knees.
A dentist moved out and barber moved In.
The new occupant did not take down the sign,
"Gas administered here"
After thirty years absence, Robert Thorn, Of
Haverhill, Mass, came home the other day. and
his first business was to kick over a tombstone
that had been erected to his memory many years
before.
Eight masked robbers stopped a train in the
west the other day. As the train contained an
excursion Of editors, the only los. was a loss of
time TO the robbers.
The Chicago Inter- OCEAN reads Garfield out of
the republican party. 1t says he ia neither a
pirate nor q horsethief.
Some wicked Yankee says that be has invented
new telegraph. He proposes to place line
Of women fifty steps apart, and commit the news
10 the first as a very profound secret.
A Kansas Judge is reported to have decided
that ticket admit one' Is good for husband
and wife, That Judge undoubtedly has u wife
and the circus season is advancing.
A new poet thus dlsposcs OF Martin Luthers
tipsy philosophy:
The man who does not love
Wine, women and song,
May not have as good time,
But he'll live five times as long
1t sounded queerly to hear Judge Dixon, after
charging the grand jurv that ''the sale Of intoYi
eating liquors Is grca. promotive of riotons
conduct and crimes OF n higher grade" say:
THE court will now receive applications for H.
censes. "-Idtterson Journal.
Osman of the Ottawa FREE TRADER, is a staid
old man-but likes fun. 1t Is eaid he never goes
to a circus. and some years ago friend asked
him the reason. Said the old gentleman: 81
never 20 to circus because II spois the fun of
looking at the lls."-RcnddH County Record.
Fact, but mainly In regard to side shows
After contemplating the pictures outside the
sight of the objects within destroys the Illusion.
An ingenious mathematician has figured out
the size Of heaven He says there Is room for
ten per cent. OF the worlds inhabitants there. |
This is very bad. We don't see what is 10 be |
come Of the general public after all the newspa.
per men get their passes. -Er.
An editor down In Amador county has pur
chased safe In which he intends TO keep an
account of his deceased subscribers with the ex.
pectaton that he will be able to collect them in |
the sweet by and by. Holy Moses!-wherc does
that editor expect to 20 TO when he dies?
Boston paper says that MAY is one OF The
unlucky months for marriage" Whercupon
Mr.. Tildcn is quoted as saying: "The other un.
lucky months are June, July, August, Septem.
Der. October November, December. January,
February, March and April"
In England rivers all are males,
For instance, Father Thames
Whoever TO Columbia sails
Find thsn ma'amselles, or danes
Yes, there the softer sex prcsdcs
Aquatic, assure ye, l.
And Mrs. Sipp rolls her tides
Responsive 10 Miss Souri,
The Boston Post says a Chicago clergyman ex
planned to the committee of dcacons that the
widow was 40 pretty no man could help flirting
with her, ana each Of the committee quietly call.
ed round to see If he told the truth aud then not
one OF em dared rise up in meeting, with her
present, and say the clergyman wasn't right /
By sharp management even a jury Of dcacons /
can be handled u
The evening Tor her bath o. dew
Is partially undrcssed;
The sun behind bObtail flush
Is setting In the West II
The planets light the heavens with q
The flash Of their cigars; H.
The sky has put its night shirt on, K
And buttoHed IL with stars. I,
She sat at the table OF fashionable watering Il
place, and she wore crimson satin dress cut as |
close to the shoulder as law and shoulders allow.
She swept the air with her bare arm, and as her
Fingers were covered with rings she seemed TO .,
bring down the stars every time. She plunged
her fingers into one dish after the other and =,
wiped ncr mouth on the back OF her hand One Z
u her neighbors quietly passed her napkin and e,
he picked it up as quietly and said Here! IL
quick! somebody has lost handkerchief. ] I"
never carry anything "a coarse as that" u,
An English journalist complains that the most
form Of reply Is the repetition Of