Daily Republican., 1881-03-03

"hy1 o"S w Ae'o AesAADb Wv
eggs and BACON"
"OhI Then have the goodness to
givs me some eggs ana bacon"
l ~ vas sure you'd choose eggs and
bacon, sir we are so famous for it,"
| Having finished my dinner, l thought
II proper, for the gsed Of the house, 70
inquire what wine I could hsve-ot
(oourse not expecting that my choice
would be mach perplexed BY the va-
Tlety offered.
i "Whst would you like, sir ?"
y "Some port"
i 1--WE have no port, SIR"
! "A little sherry, them"
"We don't keep sherry, sir; in short,
We have go little call for wine, that We
don't keep apy Of no kind"
|, Then pray give me some lemon
ade."
! "Yes, sir. Do you-do you prefer it
with lemon or without
"How,"
"Why, only we happen just now to
be out oflemsns."
SIPS OF AMERICAN PUNCH.
A Chicago reporter lately went one
Afternoon TO edo" q cattle fair, and at
night to "fnish up" a grand ball. The
next morning the once was besiegsd BY
thirteen enraged husbands, seven big
brothers, and dozens Of sisters, cousins
/, and sunts, each holding Q copy OF the
paper and pointing to this paragraph,
"Miss Alice B., q beautiful blonde
hsifer, cowbell. diamonds. etc. Miss
Battle c., charming brunette, pink silk
and PEARLS, second prize; short Thorn.
Mrs. Sarah BIi1a X, q beautiful ma
trou arrAyed in Durt am satin, en-
broidered in Alderny pink, cowbsll ret
in diamonds, real lace, and weighing
l ,069 on TIE scales; 6rst prize Eve
hundred dollars" The rest Of the re-
port was in similar style. The doc
tors bill ofthe reporter and editor have
not been computed.
A eomieal story Is told Of two we'll
known Southern olsrgymeu, one Of
whom undertook 70 rsbuke the other
for using the. weed: brother g." he
exclaimed, without stopping to ask any
q questions, "is II possible that yoa chew
tobaooo?" II must confess I do" the
other quietly replied. "Thsn wsuld
quit 1t, SIR" she old gentleman ener-
getically continued. SIT Is a very un-
clerical practice, and a very uncleanly
one. Tobacco! Why, sir, even hog
won't chew it," "Psther c., do you
chew tobacco :" responded the amused
listener. an No, siri" ne answered
grufly, with much indignation. "Then
pray, which ia the most like hog, you
or II" The old doctors fat sides shook
with laughter as he said; "Wsll, |
have been fairly caught this time"
Az agent Of an insurance company
entered a smoking ear on Western
railroad train, a few days ago, and ap.
preaching an exceedingly gruif old man
asked him II he did not want 70 take
out policyi" Hs was told to got out
with his policy. aud passed on. A few
minutes afterwards an accident occur
red GA the train, causing fsarfal shak-
ing 10 the cars. The old man jumped
iup, and ssizing heck at the side Of
the car 10 steady himself, called out,
l"Whsre 10 that insurance mAn?" The
Ique.tion caused roar Of laughter
lamong the passengers, who for the
time forget their danger.
| A MlscHIEvoUs boy had laid trap IN
his mothers drawing room to make her
visitors come uudignihedly into her
presence. One OF them rambling over
the unseen cord rose 10 his feet tremb-
ling and furious. "0h," said the fool
ishly indulgent mother, do pardon
dear little Tommy; he Is full Of limo
cent mischief, but without an atom Of
malice. He Is the very cream of In
nocenee!" Ths angry guest replied
"Of course, l would prefer in this ease,
whipped cream"
"0h, this is June beautiful, balmy
June |" he exclaimed, stopping over to
arrange a honeysuckle In the deep mid
night Of her hair. yes" she ner-
vously cried, twisting her fair figure
nervously into the outlines Of q cork
screw, 90 she vainly endeavored to
lgrappls something In the region Of her
shoulder blades, "lovely Junet Of all
the buggy months Of the year this ie
the bugslest."
| A lady gave her little boy three gold
If5h as q present. Fall Of curiosity,
the little fellow fed them and worried
them so much that two of them soon
died. A few days afterwards his moth.
er was shocked TO see the other lying
in the water, cut in half. On seeking
an explanation, she was innooently
informed: ooh, ma, he was so lonely
all by himself, and I trisd 10 make two
of him!"
A gentleman once asked little girl,
an only child, how many sisters she
had, and was told "Thrse or four"
Her mother asked Mary, when they
were alone, what induced her to tell
Isuoh an untruth. "Why, mamma"
eried Mary, 81 didn't want him to
think that you were so poor that you
hadn't but one child. Wouldn't he
thought we were drefful poorf"
When lady tripped into q music
store the other day, and asked bashful
clerk in attendance for "rwo Kisses"
he jspmed on his hat, and rushed out
fof the back door. The clerk, never
Having heard Of the piece Of music,
thought he was the victim Of leap.
year proposal, and his salary was not
large enough to support two.
The Latest Conundrum.-"Did you
ever hear the alphabetical oonundrum,
Angelinaf.' "No, Agustua; what Is
it2" set Is: When will there only be
twenty-five letters in the alphabet"
"Oh, never could guess that" "lts
when U and are made one, my dar.
ling" "Whst a nice conuudrum It is,