Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1881-11-03

HUMOR OF THE HOUR.

A Green Grocer-One that credits every
body.
If wit is badinage, what must it be in
youth?
Poem on Bayard's Vice e-Presidency-Be-
gun: Done
At Maine balls if you desire whisky, you
must order tonic
In Paris they are on the eve OF naming 4
street after Madam Adam
As q rule, the flower of the family does
nothing towards providing the daily bread
A corner in the grain market is not a right
angle, neither does it indicate square dealing
New motto for the Mississippi Bourbons--
"a free ballot, a full vote and non est count =
The lion is generally regarded as the king
of beasts but the Romans called the OK the
bOs
What great man would you cssll upon to
build a fire? Phillip the Great fill up the
grate).
Why is a Zulu belle like prophet OF old:
Because she has not much oner in her own
country.
why are you not married, Jones?' Be
cause, my dear fellow, when ] wooed she
wouldn't
\ woman's work is never done, because
when she has nothing else to do do she has
her hair to fix.
Who was the wisest man: knower Noah
What did he know? He knew enough to 90
in out Of the rain.
Webster is an esthete, because ne enthu-
sastically says in his dictionary that the
verb speak" is too utter.
A Chicago lady got terribly vexed, the
other day, just because somebody spoke of
her as a large-soled person.
What are the worst results OF the civil
war;" cried an orator 'Widows"' shouted
Jones, who had married one
It is stated that only four hundred cedars
Of Lebanon remain. How many were there
and where are the seceders?
Struck by lightning is the cant term
used by thieves when arrested through in
formation conveyed by telegraph.
Hay fever would not be fashionable if it
didn't afford its victims an opportunity to
fly to the ills they know not Of
Sydney Smith being ill. his physician ad-
yised him to take walk upon an empty
stomach "Upon whose 2" asked Sydney.
Mary, have you given the goldfish fresh
water?" mo maam. What's the use?
They haven't drunk up what's in there yet
1t takes 800 full-blown roses to make a tea
spoonful of perfume, while a pennyworth of
cooked onions will scent whole neighbor-
hood.
On account of the dry, hot summer, the
failure of the American corn crop is going to
have a destructive effect upon the vintage Of
heavy wines in the south of France.
Darling am growing old
Silver threads among the gold
Sang the wife-but Jack replied:
Turn your switch the other side
A young lady at an examination in gram
mar was asked why the noun bachelor was
singular She replied Immediately BE
cause it is very singular they don't get mar
ried.'
The father of ST. Louis bride presented
his son-in-law with $4,000 head of cattle.
Papa, DEAR" exclaimed his daughter, when
she heard of it, that was so kind of you:
Charleys awfully fond of ox-tail soup"
A farmer once hitched to his plough
A jaded old ass and cough
This team, strange to say,
Refused to obey,
And at the sight of a sough.
The newspaper men in the Naugatuck
Valley are fearful that the wells will become
exhausted However they can comfort them
selves with the reflection that they are not
in any way responsible for it.
"Have some milk this morning." asked
the mlkman of Toozer, who stood at the
back door, No, not this milk, some udder
milk said the little one. And the milk
man walked a chalk line away from the
house.
A little girl went timidly into shop the
other day, and asked the shopman how many
shoestrings she could get for a penny. How
long do you want them ?' he asked Il want
them to keep was the answer, in a tone OF
slight surprise
A man who was fishing for trout in the
Tionesta, years ago. so the story runs, caught
his hood on q bag Of gold and brought it safe
ly to shore. AS he looked at the gold he
sadly said Just my luck; never could
catch any fish :"
what in the world could that pretty Miss
Gray see in old Young, 1 wonder p remarked
a lady in horse-car, yesterday. Il don't
know unless she fell in love with him as an
especially old antique. She's an enthusias-
tic collector, you know
A Leadvlle man in one week was attacked
and scratched by a catamount, hurt by an ex-
plosion, had boulder roll down on him.
and stave in two ribs, and was kicked by a
mule. And local editor remarked that he
had "been somewhat annoyed by circum-
stances lately"
Here's my wife and H. said husband,
with much complacency, to his silver we'd
ding guests. "whO have been married five
years, and in all that time
haven't had a single unknd word with each
other 'By jove" exclaimed one of the
guests, what a stupid time you must have
had of it ~
He was an entire stranger to the girls
present, and the boys were mean and would
not introduce him. He finally plucked up
and, stepping up to a young lady,
requested the pleasure OF her company for
the next dance. She looked at him in sur
prise, and informed him she had not the
pleasure of his acquaintance. "Well remarked
cazenovia," 'you don't take any more
chances than do"
He was at breakfast, wrestling with
piece of remarkably tough veal. His wife
saik to him, "You always say there's some
thing to be thankful for in everything, l