Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1881-08-16
WITTY, WISE AND OTHER
WISE.

WISE.
; Model wives formerly took ga stitch
lin time" now, with the aid Of sewinl
machine, they take one in no time.
j We know a cat that was drowned il
the creek. Next day the cat appeared
at the back window with the creek il
its back.
4 Alderman O'Flanelmounth - "Bt
keerful, Mrs. O'Toole, an don't lit any
won seen me, fur it's ali the prominent
people what's getting shot at"
"Don't show my letters" wrote
Young man to a young lady whom be
adored. "Don't be afraid" was the
reply, "I'm just as much ashamed o.
them as you are"
What confusion it would create in
that Concord School OF Philosophy II
some one should offer a resolution ask
ing what the members had been talking
about!
lis well to quote the census number,
To show the greatness of nation,
But better vets the green eueumter
To double up the population.
ANY mother is going to get d new
piano." said one little girl to another,
the other day ooh, that's nothing, u
replied the other. My mothers going
TO get a diyoice."
Housekeeper-How can you tell il an
egy ia bad? One way to tell is to taste
| it. II it makes you so sick that you
want to die to get rid OF the taste, you
can feel pretty sure it's bad egg.
81 shan't be gone long" said Fogg, as
he started out the other evening to &c
to the lodge" am be right back. ,,
"See that you come back right, also, u
remarked Mrs. F., significantly.
"Your meal is ready, sir" said the
waiter to Hayseed, just from the rural
districts. "Meal" exclaimed Hayseed,
contemptuously, "do yer think I'm a
boss? Get me some corned beef and
cabbage, young man"
A prudent girl: MARY is very good,
prudent girl. She says to me one day
as she was breaking the curd: Mother
I'll never let loose my affections on no
man until have proved him to he pious
and in good circumstances
Hello! Uncle Nose, hello" cried
Jim Webster as he hurried down Austin
avenue, trying to overtake the old man.
"Be keerful, Jeames, be keerful how you
undress yo'self to me; l amt no tele-
phone" replied the indignant deacon.
A vasssr girl, now in Detroit,
Went to look at the comet, and saw 1t.
Next night she and Charley
Occupied the porch early,
And repeated her former exploit
The name of the town OF Red Rose,
Ark, was first called Tulip" Then it
was changed to "Smithville;" then to
"Hvde CITY," then to "Pokerville;"
then to bluff Corners" and finally to
Red Rose. Next year it will smell as
sweet by some other name.
When Martin Murphy and his sweet
heart were married in Ireland, fifty
wears ago, ouly one friend attended
them. Last week, when they celebrat-
ed their golden wedding in the beautiful
Santa Clara valley, California, three
thousand guests shook them by the
hand.
An exchange says: "a man lives in
this vicinity who states that he first met
his wife in a storm, took her to the first
ball in a storm, popped the question in
storm, was accepted in a storm, and
has lived in a storm every since" That
couple must have been Mr.. and Mrs.
Cy Clone.
An industrious tradesman having
taken q new apprentice, awoke him at
very early hour on the first morning
bv calling out that the family were sit.
ting down to table. THANK you," said
the boy, as be turned over in the bed to
adjust himself ior a new nap-"thank
YOU, never eat anything during the
night"
Have you any fresh eggs? Yes, mum
plenty; them with the hen on EN-!
With the hen on them? Yes, mum !;
we always put hen on our fresh eggs
to distinguish of 'em. Beg pardon mum,
don't think you understand. Hen the
letter, not EN- the bird. Hen for noolaid,
mum. Take a dozen, mum? Thank
you?
He was a bachelor, had travelled ex-
tensively and could speak any language,
dead or alive; but when he returned
home the other day and talked to his
sisters baby, and when it cried ami was
pacified by its mother saying: Did
his naughty wauty uncle wuncle come
honey womey and sCarey warey my
little putsey wapsey?" he just leaned
over the back of the chair and wept.
Proof positiye.-Wife (who has been
"sitting up"): "Well, this is pretty
time to come home! Four o'clock ~
Husband (who has taken nothing but
one glass of curious compound spoken
of, by himself, as "Whiskanwarra") :
"Wha' YOU mean, madam, it sho'appens,
curiouslenuff, parsh'd Trinity. madam,
and heard it strike one (hic) sheveraI
times, madam" Retires to bed in
triumph, and-his boots.
al wonder what has become OF the
| scissors?" said Mrs. johnson the other
d.y; II have been looking for them all
the evening, and can't find them high OF
low" After awhile the hired Dutch
man commenced pulling off his boots,
preparatory to going 10 bed. "All dis
dav," said he, al tink l got some little
erabble stones in my boot. / kess xii
him out now" When he turned ur
mis- boot, all that he could find was 8
thimble, pair Of scissors, hall loaf o.
! | read and few dozen tacks.
Nearly a Miracle.
| +. Asenith Hall, Binghamton, y. \.