Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1881-06-16
IN A NUTSHELL.

Indigestion has comicaEy been dein-
ed as ''the ingratitude of the stom-
ach."
The best kind of sidewalk. Walking
by the side of a lovely girl-PhiladeL
phia Sun.
True, true; what our country needs
is more navy to back err Cdn,bridQe
Tribune.
go to the ant thou slluggard," don't
seem to be needed in any way by the
siuggard, who generally goe to his uncle.
A chivalrous exchange thinks when
up smoking. "She gives up her weeds
he should be equally polite
"Jack, what relation to you is that
old gentleman | saw you with this
morning p ooh, not much; he's mar
ried to my grandparents only daughter
The first religious body to formally
adopt the revised New Testament was
the Congregational Association OF Marl-
bOrO, Mass, but the vote was afterward
reconsidered.
An exchange asks 'How large is
our American navy" About six
inches long. and three-eighths of an
inch thick. It's a regular plug of
navy,-KeOkaLk COastituson.
As regards this matter of pensions to
/ Government clerks, it seems to us that
after a man has been writing for thirty
or forty years it's natural that heshould
be penshunner.-TOrO Globe.
] Il
make a jury believe he was deaf but
a chap hired by the opposing counsel
softly whispered, "Lets go out and
drink" and the fellow heard him the
first time.-BOstOn Post
| Some Texas farmers will try the ex-
pertinent of importing the Lubbock
beetles from Russia These beetles are
very ferocious and live on grasshoppers,
! lOousts, cotton worms and every insect
that destroys crops. Boston Post.
An Illinois physician prescribed rest
and quiet for an i'll merchant, whereup-
on the afflicted man ordered the pao-
ers to discontinue his advertisements.
! This brought him the needed reDose.-
Modern ArgO. all
A rumor comes from Paris that bon
nets are to be worn on the head. here
after. 1t strikes us the head would be
good place on: which to wear a bon
net, but such q departure will ICok
little odd at first.
A New Hampshire man got up to
light lamp and fell dead Ourreaders
will bear witness that we have always
pointed out that this getting up at night
is a mans wife's business. Behold the
terrible justification of our course.
Quiet benifcial: Morse who invented
the telegraph, and Bell the inventor of
| the telephone, both had deaf-mute
wives. Little comment is necessary.
but just see what man can accomplish
when everything is quiet.-Lo'oeH
(Mass.) Citizen
A beautiful thought appreciated: An
excited old maid in temperance lodge
few evenings since read an original
poem entitled "The lips that touch
! liquor shall never touch NINE" and the
young men present gave her three
! cheers.-Ne1U York Star. .
With pleading eyes ste looked up
from the piano and sang, "Call me
your darling again" But ne refused,
as there were witnesses around: and
there is no telling when man will be
introduced to breach of promise suit
these days.
The attempted elopement of two
babies has just been frustrated at Gin
cinnati. George Rose and Fanny
Thauer, aged II and 13 respectively,
ran away from Coultersville, Pa. and
were caught in the. former city. They
had pluckily set s.',out to get work, in
which the girl had succeeded.
"Why I'm so glad you've come. Did
you know that Ive been worrying
about you, John, all the evening""
''Thats just what [ married you for.
1t is pleasant to think that there is
some one at home worrying about you"
Somehow this view Of the matter didn't
exactly coincide with her ideas Of mar
ital amenities.
| Lessing, the German philosopher,
being absent minded, knocked at his
own door one evening, when the ser
want, looking out of the window, and
not recognizing him, said "The pro-
fessOr is not at home" 'Oh, very
well, said Lassing, composedly. walk
ing away, "I'll call another time"
When handsome Jack was. cautiously
going up behind pretty Miss Dashie to
to steal kiss which she wouldn't have
granted for any amount of pleading,
her little brother, who had happned to
look in the door behind Jack, yelled to
look out, and so she was able to avoid
letting Jack kiss her And somehow
she boxed her brothers. ears when they
were alone together.
Scientific: "Dovey," he said, Il think
[ was telling you after l came home
last night about the necessity Of some
retrenchment in our expenditures, was
| not?" 'Well, really, I've forgotten,
john" she answered, nonchalently;
turn on the phonograph and see"
He turned it on and all it said was:
"Whazzer mazzer--(hic) )-mazzer ?
Whazzer mazzer?"-C Chicago Tribune.