The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1881-07-08
ALLEGED BITS OF WIT.

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enough water In It already.
Any young man is made better by asister's
love, but the love of another fellows sister
may do.
1t was hrtemus Ward who said that there
are two things in this world for which no
one Is ever prepared-twins.
"Your handwriting is very bad" a Yes;
but don't you see If were to write better
people would find out how SPELL"
"Life is as we take 1t,
And Heaven is where we make 1t,
And IN ourselves the problem lies
Of solving all theologies."
"'Tis hard to part from those we love" ~
and sometimes il is even more difficult to get
away from those we don't love -Phiiddet-
phia Sun.
A fashion writer says, that few men know
how to wear . shawl to advantage. II We
are not mistaken jefferson Davis has implied
the same thing.
"Why," said the old man, az remember
Webster well. He was perfect orator. He
used to hold us spell-bound." EYES," said
Ethel, he was probably getting up his die
tionary."
When was young man was always in
hurry to hold the big end Of the log and do
all the lifting; now am older, seize hold
. Of the small end and do all the grunting.-
Josh Billings.
In an article in the Contemporary scien-
tist, proceeding with an argument, says:
"What Is a hornet?" Well, to speak cor
rectly, it Is baby lightning rod that supplies
its own lightning.
"How can leave thee?" he was singing
in very tender tone. He wasn't very pop
ulsr with her parents, and it was verging on
twelve o'clock, and the old man came in and
showed him how he could leave her.
A Cincinnati physician, whose specially
was the treatment Of idiots, was very mad at
his neighbor, the editor, who meant to be
very complimentary when he spoke of the
physician as the celebrated idiot doctor.
My little cousin, eating breakfast, said to
his mamma, :" Why don't We have some pud-
ding for breakfast" Mamma" Oh, peo-
pie don't have pudding for breakfast" Boy
swell, we have breakfast all the time them
Address to a bottle:
sTis very strange that you and
| Together cannot pull
| For you are. full when | am dry,
| And dry when am full.
War history: What Is the greatest
chsrge on record?" asked the professor of
history. And the absent minded student
answered: "Seventeen dollars for hack
hire for self and girl for two ohours."-Boston
Post.
Some philosopher has said that man who
truly loves horse cannot be wicked. He
must be In the wrong, for Texas jails are
full of men who loved other peoples horses
not wisely, but too well.-New Orleans Pic
dytne.
The Philadelphia Record says Of Mr.. Nc
Cormick, leaving the editorial chair to man
age dramatic company: "He probably
wants TO rest himself. A good city editor
can run dramatic company with both hands
tied behind him."
The farmers Of Illinois are very much ex-
crcised about the deprcdations Of the Hes
sian fly, and want 70 know something Of its
origin. If We mistake non, 1t was General
, Washington who first made the Hessian fly
in this country Yonkers Gazette.
Commencement item: "How came you
TO fail in your examination?" asked the
tutor. 81 thought crammed you thorough
ly." "Well, you see," replied the student,
the fac: was you crammed me so tight
couldn't get 1t out."-Yale College Ne,cs.
Dedicated TO the street sprinkler which at
this season shows itself ON dusty streets:
Sprinkle, sprinkle, little cart,
How wonder what thou art,
/ As along the street you go
Putting down the dust so low.
Law Professor" What constitutes burg
lary?" STUDENT There must be break
ing" Professor" Then, If . man enters
your door and takes S. from your vest pocket
in the hall, would that be burglary?" Stu
dent" Yes, sir, because that would break
me-"
A Dutchman who married his second wife
som after the funeral of the first, was visited
with two hours serenade. He expostulated
pathetically thus: ~ say, poys, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself to be making all
dish noise ven dere vas funeral here SO
soon."
"What's the difference between man 60
ing to Plymouth church and . lover about to
propose ?" asks the Boston Courier. Don't
know.-Boston Post. Then you had better
go back to school. One is going to see
Beecher and the otherto beseech her.-Phil-
adeiphia Bulletin.
A Maine paper prints laconic cores
pondence between two personal friends.
to lend me dollar to get my cow out Of the
pound" The other wrote back: ~ would,
but paid my last dollar to the boys to take
the COW to the pound"
Miraculous cure: " You are feeling much
better, madame, than you did when saw
you last said the physician, pressing his
fingers gently upon the patients !eft wrist.
"Oh, much better, doctor, thank you. just
after you left little Johnnie upset the table
and smashed all the medicine botsles."-
Bro0kiyR Edgle.
/ A Wisconsin paper says that farmer BY
the name Of Cyrus Bunker, few miles
from WAupun, gave permission TO two trav-
cling men to post some advertisements on his
barn, and subsequently signed card recon-
mending them to some Of his neighbos.
Said card turned out to be an order for sew
eraI hundred dollars worth Of goods.
i A startling Yankee novelty just introduced
III London is the one-shilling American rub
Der baby. It Is washable, durable aud un-
breakable; IL resembles life; Il COOS at
pleasure, yet screams awfully when spanked.
. Even experienced fathers" says the adver-
tisement, are deceived by these laughter
producing infants, and no home can be .