davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Hawaiian gazette. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1865-1918, 1881-02-09
Going for Gallagher.

Gallagher was President of dramatic club
in Boston, and wrote piece for them. 1t called
for nine persons, and everybody in the cast
considered that he or she had the worst part,
and that it was made so on purpose. At first
they didn't propose to play, but finally decided
to do SO, and concocted plan to punish GAL
lagher. He played the hero, and in the first
act said farewell to his mother and went off TO
sea, and when she parted with him she con-
trived to wrench his head and scratch his nose
on pin fixed in the shoulder of her dress for
that purpose. That eased her mind and dis
turbed his. But he submitted. In the next
act he appeared on ship board, and had 10 be
knocked down by civil captain, who hit him
SO earnestly with Delaying pin that it nearly
killed him. And then when he headed mu-
tiny and called to the mutineers, Follow mel
somebody opened trap and he ANONYMOUSLY
fell through it, and got terribly guyed by the
audience. BE was awful mad, but determined
to conquer in spite Of the disaster, and SO came
up and went on with the play.
In the third act he was to have a terrible
combat with the villain of the play and whip
him. Mr.. Hencoope Smythe played the part.
He was satisfied that he had the worst part in
the piece. and that Gallagher had made it so to
spite him. Gallagher, as he clinched him cried,
II DCdb 1OuA iiic Jul III bMO oOS-
onds I" But he didn't. The villain was the
strongest man, and the way he lathered CAL
lagher about the stage was awful. But when
it came to where the villain was to cry,
'Let me up, I'm crushed" he had Gallagher
iammed under the table and beating him with
a chair leg, and, of course, his speech and
Gallagher's reply, ~ will not spare your life!'
sounded absurd. Before the villain consented
to be overcome he had got the audience to
shrieking with laughter, and had beaten Gal
lagher black and blue all over. Gallagher
went home terribly enraged, and the rest of
tie company were delighted.
The piece was to be played the next night,
and Gallagher reportedlhimself too i'll to APP
pear But he sent substitute. That substi-
tute was prize fighter under an assumed
NAME He Rugged the mother SO in the part
ing scene that he nearly killed her, and pulled
her false hair off accidentally. He threw the
cruel captain down the trap. He hurt all the
other actors, and in the fight with the villain
mopped up the whole stage with him, and
hurled him clear through the back fiat. The
company and the scenery were completely
wrecked. Confusion reigned, and Gallagher
sat in the front and laughed till he nearly died.
The Hawaiian gazette. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1865-1918, 1881-02-09
The AIOrtuary Poet.

He was country-looking chap, with al
odd mixture of sorrow and resignation upoI
his lean countenance, and he dropped in upol
the advertising clerk of the Bangor Patrio
with the mysterious whisper Of
She's gone"
who's gone p. asked the clerk.
"Maria."
"Who in thunder's Maria ?'
my wife; she's gene"
"Gone where ?"
Cup above died last night-want you tc
put it in your next issue"
"What allied her?"
"Lockjaw she lay for three weeks and
couldn't speak; never had such quiet time
in the house before. Just do the notice up
fine, will you, an I'll see that everything is
fixed up all right"
Accordingly the clerk scrubbed away for a
few moments, handed out what he had writ
ten for inspection, and CURLY remarked:
"Dollar thirty-fve"
The bereaved husband read it over care
fully, and finally gave a sigh of satisfaction.
That's all right" he said, handing over
put a verse on the end, couldn't you ?'
"Well, yes" said the clerk, guess SO
what kind of verse do you want p;
Something tender like, an sorrowful."
How would this dol" asked the clerk.
perfect female, folks did consider her,
She's gone and left weepin' widOwer.
"That's kinder melancholy" reflected the
stranger, "but recken it's little too personal.
just you try again. l don't mind putin up
hansum for sumthum that'll rake folks heart-
strings"
The clerk gazed at the ceiling for moment
and then suggested:
The husbands lost a wife,
The children ma,
Died on Friday night,
From the lock-jaw.
Yes" broke out the mourner, wiping his
nose with a black-bordered handkerchief,
" but you see l don't own any young 'uns."
What do you think of this, then ?"
She was always contented,
At life she'd never carp
Gone to be an imgsl.
And play ON golden harp.
"Don't believe that'll suit. You see Marian
couldn't even play on pianaer, an know a
harp would stump her, sure She had a
tender heart, though, she made the most
elegant biscuit you ever saw"
Hanged if 1 won't have to charge you
EXTRA growled the clerk.
81 know" meekly replied the weepin'
widower. Jest try once more, won't you l'
The clerk did try again, and ground out
the following:
on earth could not stay Marian
So she died and and went up higher
"Sorter irreverent, arn't it ? aaxiousIy ask
ed Mariar's relic. 81 wouldn't grudge a
couple of dollars for bang up verse"
Thus stimulated the poet became suddenly
inspired, and exaultingly produced:
Cry for Marian
Alas she is no more
Joined the singing seraphs
upoE the other shore
The afflicted one took chew of tobacco,
and whispered:
Beautiful; but there's one thing that spoils
it Marian hadn't any more melody in her
than an old pillow, an it's deliberit lynn to
speak Of her as vocalist. None Of them
other syrups (seraphs) you allude to could
keep time with her."
Well" remarked the clerk, eff this amt
all o. K. you will have to hire a special poet,
I'm played out:
Affection sore
Long time she bore;
Physicians were in vain;
Lockjaw ketched her,
Death It fetched her
Gone: 10 rise again.
"Tell you what" enthusiastically exclaimed
The widOwer, that's tip top. Here's your
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
MOnOtOnY OF City Life.

The monotony Of life in the central
streets Of any great modern city, where
any emotion intended to be derived by
men from the sight Of nature, or the
sense Of art, is forbidden forever, leaves
the craving of the heart for sincere,
yet changetu interest, to be fed from
one source only. Under natural con-
ditions the degree Of mental excite
mcnt necessary to bodily health is pro-
yided by the course of seasons, and the
various skill and fortune of agricul-
turc.
In the country every morning Of the
year brings with it a new aspect of
springing or fading nature; new duty
to be fulfilled upon earth, and Il new
promise OF warning in heaven. No
day is without its innocent hope, its
special prudence, its kindly gift, and
its sublime danger; and in every pro-
cess Of wise huabandry, and every ef-
fort Of contending or remedial courage,
the wholesome passions, pride, or bodily
power Of the laborer are excited and
eXertcd ia happiest unison. The COM
panionship Of domestic, the care of
serviceablc animals, soften and enlarge
his life with. lowly charities, and dis
cipline him in familiar VISIONS and
upboastful fortitudes while the divine
laws or seed time which cannot be re-
called, harvest, which cannot be hasten
ed, and winter in which no man can
work, compel the impatiences and
coyeting Of the heart into labor too
sweet TO be wanton.
What thought can enough compre-
hcnd the contrast between such life,
and that in streets where summer and
winter are only alterations of heat and
cold; where snow never fell white, nor
sunshine clear; where the ground is
only pavement, and the sky no more
than the glass roof Of an aseade !;
where the utmost power Of a storm is
to choke the cutters, and the finest
magic Of Spring is to change mud into
dust where-chief and most fatal diff
ference in state-there is 10 interest Of
occupation for any Of tho inhabitants
but the routine of counter or desk
within doors, and the effort to pass
each other without collision outside
so that from morning to evening the
only possible variation of the monotony
Of the hours, and tightening of the
penalty Of existence, must be some
kind of mischief, limited unless by
moro than ordinary godscnd of fatality,
to The fall Of a horse, or the Sitting Of
Il pocket--Ruskin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Speaking of some eminent deceased
British orators, aI exchange says
Fox never wrote his speeches, and was
fond Of preparing them in travelling
as he said a post chaise was the best
place to arrange his thoughts in. Sher-
idan wrote and prepared great deal
and generally in bed, with his books
pen and ink on the bed, where he would
lie all day. Brougham wrote and re-
wrote, over and over again, whole
speeches; he was known TO work ffteer
hours a day for six weeks together
Lord Palmcrston wrote admirably, and
could express himself perfectly ii
French, very well in Italian, and un
derstood German. His diligence and
attention were unwearied; he read
everything, and wrote an immense
quantity, and he was an excellent man
of business His great fault was want
of punctuality; he never cared for an
engagement if it did not suit him, and
would keep everybody waiting fol-
hours on his pleasure or caprice.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
One Experience From Many.

"I had been sick and miserable so
long, and had caused my husband so
much trouble and expense, no one
seemed to know what allied me, that
/ was completely discouraged. In
this frame of mind | got bottle of
Hop Bitters and used them unknown
to my family. / soon began to i'm
prove and gained so fast that my hus-
band and family thought it strange
and unnatural, but when told them
what had helped me they said 'hur-
rah for Hop Bittersl long may they
prosper, for they have made mother
we'll and us happy. The Mother.
539w2.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
n NSEiET IVA a And all throat and
HNGHIehH lung complaints
nm" - N'' n'-'~A cured by
COUGHS 'AD4asSs;s a6r1sio
BALSAM,'
5,IE.sEN A pleasant and un-
VV0UW failing remedy:

REFERENCES: Senator j. q. Blaine,
Washington, d. c., VIM f. Kidder,
New York, Chaplain G. c. McCabe,
Chicago, ILL.,, Rev. A. S. Weed, lions
Herald, also publisher Boston Pilot,
Hev. DR.. Torscy, d. d., LII. d., Kent's
Rill, Me, j. E. Field, Alpena, Mich,
and thousands of others. "The most
famous Of all the medicines in the
market is Adamson's Botanic Balsam." }"
Springfield Republican. "The
workings of Adamson's Balsam are
daily astonishing the most eminent
physicians" Boston Journal. Sold
by oil respectable druggists and deal
ers. Price, 80 and rs cts. "New
trial size 10 cts. Il. w. KISsMAN d
Co, Propriotors, Augusta, Me 5lS.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
Alderman Tucker. Boston, saws

Alderman Tucker, Boston, says you
may state that ! have paid for medi-
cine and treatment in 20 years $4,000,
without receiving permanent benefit.
Entirely cured of his disease salt
rheuml by Cuticura Remedies.
II. T.. Carpenter, Esq, Henderson,
n. Y, cured of Psorias or Leprosy,
of twenty years standing, by the
Cuticura Resolvent internally, and
Cutioura and Cuticura Soap external
ly. Tho most wonderful case on
record. Dec.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Hi! Guiteaul Here's a pointer for
you. Just you express the opinion St.
Louis is bigger than Chicago, and the
entire population of the latter town
will come forward and swear that you
are insane.--Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

"Ah! what has become of your son ?
Haven't seen him lately" "He's at
tached to banking house as cashier y
Attached? Oh! ] sce-they tie 'em
up so they can't run away. Capital
idea. Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

A northern editor speaks of a young
farmer who run rapidly through his
property" His property was an open
lot. He wore red shirt, and crank
bull was in the wake Of the young
farmer.-N. 0. Picayunc.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

A young farmer likes to bind sheaves
of grain with briers in better than any
other, because when he reaches around
to put the band under, the thorns re-
mind him of the pins in his girls dress
Oil City Derrick.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

An exchange says that man is very
much like an egg. Yes, poor man, he
carries his yolk around with him, and
has to shell out every time his house
keeper gives him rap on the head
New York Commercial Advertiser.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

About the most profitable fowls to
raise are partridges. Amateur sports
men will pay almost any price for
them, rather than take home an empty
game bag.-Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

GLOW did we come TO possess our
present dress?' is one of. the questions
by the editor of Nature. Can't say,
sir. Presume the tailor didn't know
you.-Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Scene in an artists studio; "You
say that those figures are life size p
My dear sir, they seem very small" "
said the customer. Artist-"Perfectly
correct, sir; you know life is short. -
Elk.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

"Comc, now, it is time for You to go
to bed" said an Austin lady TO her
little children, "you must go to bed.
Don't YOU know all the little chickens
have gone TO bedg' "Yes, but the old
hen went to bed with them. ."-TcSas
Siftings.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

1t is spoken of as a wonderful thing
that the person who transports the
mail from Vergenos TO Addison, VI,
is woman. just as if transporting
males were not womans work from
time immemorial.-Lowell Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

1t is scarcely surprising that the age
is SO full of falsehood when such a vast
number of words are compelled TO pass
through false teeth.-N. Y. CONNER.
cial Advertiser
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

If a two-wheeled vehicle is bicycle,
and three-wheeled a tricycle., it does
not follow that the one-wheeled is an
icicle. 1t is a wheelbarrow.-Scicntifc
American.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

"Alice" writes to New York story
paper !: "a young man comes to see
me six nights week should | consider
il as being engaged If We were her
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Even if boy is always whistling
Il Want to be an Angel" it is just as
well to keep the preserved pears on the
top shelf of the pantry.-Romc SEN
tinel.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
ADvrr~rsrvc u,-rs

unC. ''N''
Local Notices, ten con Per line each insertion
and oil notices continued TOT three months or
longer, discount of 15 pcr cent.
Advertisements unago0mponied Dr. vffttou or
verbal directions viii bo published three month >
Advertisements, under contract ordered out bO :
fore expiration oi time, will De charged FUN rates
No paper disc0utiuusi until an aTearaeos are
paid, except NJ the option Of the publisher
Transient advertisements must be- paid In I'D
vance.
III Terms. CASH p1y1HeQuutcIly
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
TIE GREAT
BJRLTNGTON ROUTE.

ID h1lIN II ECSN EGOt In.
e@-No other line runs Three Through Pas
senger Trains Daily between Chicago, Dcs
Moines, Council Dluils, Omaha, Lincoln, ST.
Joseph, AtchisOn, Topeka ana Kansas City.
Dlreet connections for oil points in Kansas
Nebraska, Colorado, Wyoming Montana, Ne
yada, New Mexico, Arizona, Idaho, Oregon and
California.
The Shortest, Spoediest and Most Comforta-
PIE Route via Hannibal to Fort Scott, Denson,
Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Calves
ton and all points IN Texas.
The unequaled inducements offered by this
hne To Travellers and Tourists, are rs follows:
Inc celebrated Pullman OG-wheeD Palace
Slcepng Cars, run only on this Line, O.. B. &
y. FaQcC Drawing-ROOm Cars, with Horizons
necllning Chairs. No extra charge for Seats
I'D kecining Chairs. The famous c., II. & q.
PNace Dining Cars. Gorgeous Smoking Cars
ntted with Elegant High-Backed Rattan Re
V0lving Chairs for the exclusive use OF first
Cinss passengers
steel Track and Superior Equipment, COM
ulned with their Great Through Car Arrange
nent, makes this, above oil others, the faVOrite
West
Try it, and you will find travelling Il luxury
instead OF a discomfort.
through Tickets via this Celebrated Line
Canada.
All information about Rates of Fare, sleep
ing Gar Accommodations, Time Tables, &c,
VIII DC checrfully given hy applying to
JAMES II. WOOD.
General Passenger Agent, Chicago.
T. j. POTTER,
General Manager, Chicago.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21
WIT AND HUMOR.

The amateur cOrnet player ought TO
receive blow for blow.--Boston Courier.
The man who discovers the North
Pole will probably be Chilian.-Bos-
ton Globe.
A man must be going slowly when
he lets old age ovcrtakc him.--New
Orleans Picayune.
The blacking brush and the Brush
electric light are both good sinners
Chronicle Herald.
The deepest insult that can be given
in Deadwood is to say; "You ain't
worth lynching. Free Press.
The question as to who shall be
Speaker Of the House has to be settled
after every marriage. ge.-Free Press,
-------------------
To say the good die young is stand.
ing invitation for small boy to be
bad.-New Orleans Picayunc.
The matchmaker can't afford to do
a cash business, because he makes all
his profits on time.-Wit and Wisdom.
The Nashua made her last up Mon
day night.--Sand Beach Times. Go
ing into the boot and shoe business,
eh?
The eccentric on stationary engine
derives its name from the fact that it
is Situated on the crank shaft.-Boston
Globe.
Inquirer: No; we don't love dogs
at all. The reason we keep three big
ones is that we don't Ike our neigh
bors.-Boston Post.
Modesty: The masked burglar Is II
modest creature. He covers his face
that he may not be witness to his own
wickedness. Boston Transcript.
\ Michigan man deserted his wife
because she was deaf and dumb
Men little know when they have a
treasure in the house.--St. Louis Post.
Some men are born poor, others
achieve poverty, and legion more
start newspapers and live on cord wood
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Papa remarked the infant terri
bic, who was mounted on the back of
the old gentleman's chair, engaged in
making crayon sketches on his bald
head, "it wouldn't do for you to fall
asleep in the desert, would it p "Why
not, my darling?' "Oh, the ostriches
might SIT down on your head and hatch
it out.--BrOoklyn Eagle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

father and mother we should consider
that she is engaged" altogether too
much, and tell the young man to cur
tail his visits at both ends.-Norris.
town Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

"Why don't you dress as we'll as
your clerks p was asked the other
day of Wall street man. 81 can't"
was the answer; "they can get trusted" s"
---Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Some men are born poor, others
achieve poverty, and a legion more
start newspapers and live ON cord wood
and promises. Springfield Sunday
News.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

The amateur comct player ought to
receive blow for blow--Boston Courier.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

\ Michigan man deserted his wife
because she was deaf and dumb
Men little know when they have Il
treasure in the house.--St. Louis Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1881-12-21

Modesty; The masked burglar is Il
modest creature. He covers his face
that he may not be witness to his own
wickedness. Boston Transcript.
The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1881-07-16

On Monday George r. Larkln. deputy
marshal, arrested M. M. Mursell, about five
miles from Morristown, on charge Of Mt
terlng counterfeit money. The prisoner
was brought to Morristown, from whence
ne made bis escape by the assistance Of n
friend. He was standing on the street with
.he omeer when Rev. William r. senter, n
minister OF the Northern Methodist Church,
came fiding up and called to the prisoner.
Murren stepped few PAGES towards the
noIse, wnen senter slid of. and the prisoner
yaulted into the saddle, and was away In n
twlnkiing. Officer LaIkIn attempted TO
seize the bride as the horse was buried
away, but did moi succeed. He then dis
charged two farewell shots al the retreatIng
Murrell without effect. Parson Senter Il
said TO be an uncle OF Murrell. Others of
tue gang are in custody Kno1uile Tri-
Dune, July i4th.
The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1881-07-16


The annual session OF the American Philc.
logical Association, in session at Cleveland.
closed Thursday. The next meeting will
be held at or near Boston in July next. The
following officers were elected President,
Frederick ID. Allen. Of Hartford; Vice.Pres-
dents. Milton W. HUMPHREYS of Vanderbilt
University, Tennessee, aud NJ. l.. Dodge,
OF Ann Arbor; Secretary and Curator,
Charles r. Sauman, Of Harvard; Treasurer,
Charles j. Buckingham, Il POughkeepsie.
The Executive Committee consists OF the
foregoing officers and b. l.. Gidersleeve, OF
Baltimore; w. w. Goodwin, OF Howard (;
DR.. j. Ii. Turnbull, OF Hartford; W. d.
Whitney, OF New Haven, and T. r. Price,
OF the University OF Virginia.
The Washington letter Of the Baltimore
Sun says: The contract for eXcavating mud,
&c, from the barboTs Of Washington and
Georgetown and deposting the same upon
the Kidwel bottoms, thus beginning the
work OF improving the river front OF the
District, has been awarded to Thomas T..
Morgan, Jr., for the Virginia or George
town channel, and 10 the National Dredg-
ing Company for the Washington channel.
The Washington channel Is to be dredged
to the Long bridge, aud the Virginia chan
mel TO GeOrgeiown-tbe depth to be from
IA TO rs feet, and the Washington channel
to be 200 feet wide.
In the south OF France Gagged decOy birds
have their eyes put out, and they sing to
the rays OF the rising sun, which they feel
but cannot see, and they attract free birds
from the woods. The latter birds
thrusbes, nighiingales, linnets, woodpeck-
ers, robins, blackbirds, yelIowhammers,
and larks-are mercilessly shot. twenty or
thirty at a time, and are used for food.
There is also much netting of these birds.
Insects are increasing in number. An
effort is being made to stop the slaughter OF
the birds.
Drinking bars in Massachusetts, by the
law now striclly enforced in Boston, must
be located go that they can be seen from the
street, with no screens TO hide the view.
1t was supposed that publicity would
lessen the sale OF liquor, but is SAID not TO
have done so, and the general result bas
been to make the traffic more open and re-
spectacle.
At Ensign's mountain, Missouri, an
archery club went out to practice. Miss
Matthews having had a lovers quarrel with
Mr.. Grace, when il came TO her turn to
shoot sent an arrow into her lovers breast.
She said il was an accident, ana sne was
ever SO sorry, but he believed she meant to
kill aim, and had her arrested.
From all parts of the country come re-
ports Of deaths Of boys from lOckiaw,
caused by wounds from toy-pstOls. This
is a good toy for the boys to let alone.
Philadelphia has only half as many police
men as New York city, and Baltimore only
one sixth as many.
A West Virginia man has patented a
posta.card with pocket attachment TO in
close a stamp for reply.
A resident OF Texas writes: " II we bad
the assassin here he would never be troubled
by cOmets."