South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1881-05-27


SO man vino loves his wife well enough
10 ca: her is 10 have 10 credit for il.
You must make calls" ssid an UNI
Gle 20 his nephew, whether you like it
or not; for there's always pleasure de.
rived If not when you enter, at least
when you come out" Nov, old gent,
you have hit the nail on the head.
In making ''pure ground coffee" the
rule in Boston and New York is TO mix
one bushel OF beans and one Of roasted
peanuts with one bushel Of cheap coffee.
Tho package is then labeled: None
bottcr-oeware OF limitations"
doll old lady being told that a Ger
tain lawyer was Lying at the point Of
DEATH exclaimed my gracious, Won't
even oeath stop that mans lying"
a Clergyman at an afternoon service
was askel TO read a notice for woman's
rights lecture, which he did in this wise |:
"At half-past six o'clock, at the school
house, in the first district, a hen will
attempt TO crow"
elias your husband got naturalizcd?"
inquired IN energetic politician Of ro-
bust female. SCOT natural eyesS" was
the response in an indignant tone; yes,
begorry, and natural teeth, too"
A neighbor with coffee cup in her
hand called in on Uncle Nose remark
ing: Uncle Nose, wants TO borry n
CUP ob parched coffee from you for
breakfas' till to morrer' go right TO
de box on dc shef an hep yerself.' The
neighbor did as requested, hut discov-
cred the box to be as empty as the hand
of legislator. "Uncle Nose, dars no
parched coffee in dis heah box" Does
yer know why dar amt no coffee in dat
ar box ~ mo | doesn't know muffin
about IT," Oar amt no coffee in dat
ar box" said the old man solcmnly,
"bekase dat are am lhe returned coffee
box. Ef yer had brung back all de
coffee yer borrowed las. year hi. would
be plum full
'You are weak" said mother 10 her
son, who was demonstrating against her
marrying again. eyes, mother. am SO
weak that 1 can't 80 step father"
The Minister'S Cow.-An exchange
tells this droll story of clergyman 5
experiment and how it ended:
Some years ago there lived in Cen
trail New York very worthy and
respectable divine known as Father
Goss. He had hired man named
Isaac, who always obeyed orders with
out question.
Father Goss bought COW one day
which proved refractory when MIXED
refusing to surrender the tactical fluid
although Isaac used all the persuasive
arts of which lie was master. He fl.
naIly reported der deliuquenclcs to hic
master.
We'll, Isaac said he, $50 to the
barn and get those pieces OF new rope
Isaac obeycd; the COW was driven
INTO the stable, tied with piece Of the
rope, when the Rev. came out, armed
with knife.
Now he exclaimed to Isaac. 4
Will get on the cows back and Won tie
my feet beneath her, then you go on
with your milking, and with my
weight on Der back she must Give
down her milk
Isaac obeyed. The feet were tied
The pail got and milking commenced.
But bossy objected and plunged
wildly about. The stable was low
and the Rev.'s head was rcarfnlIy
thumpcd. COB, Isaac, Isaac = buwled
he. 'cut the rope
Isaac seized the knife and cut-rot
the rope which tied the masters feet.
but the one that tied the COW. The
stable gate was open, also the yard
gate.
Away darted the frantic cow. the
terrified man OIL her back, hcIplessly
roaring: Stop her, stop her !!
While madIy carecring down the
road ne met a parishioncr, who ex-
citedIy called: why, Mr.. Co.'S, where
are you going p
Only God and this COW know =
groaued he; i don't
The animal was finally caught and
tho man released, much frightened
but unhurt.
'Oh, give INC anything made of
beans exclaimed a Boston man takon
sick III the West, when asked what he
would have TO cat They obcyed his
request. They gave him castor.oi.
Dampcning! Old Triggs Hello
Jones, got your feet sopping wet.
Ln-.u-L Nnn WI .. -.