The Russellville Democrat., 1881-01-13
WAYS OF THE WORLD.

A STANDARD article-the. THE biggest cigar generally smells the | worst.
 JusT now the land containing the most l ire is Ireland HAS any paragrapher remarked that a
 burning retort was crematoryY TIE man who digs hundred feet into the ground for water gets long well. COAL is so black that it is wonderful how dealer can make ton so light. FINDING himself unable to express his
 sentiments, the pent-up orator forwarded them by mail. ARE the monopolists of Pennsylvania iron pyrites?-Btfalo Courier. Some of
 them are oil pirates. AFTER election, what?" asks an ex-
 change. Probably ten million newspaper
 lies about the returns. TEN thousand members of Pennsyl- vania's fierce militia are about to come
 out in new benjamins. THE new style of winter bonnet may | be photographed by slamming ripe | tomato against board fence. FLoE asks: Docs time fy?', Yes: and | fly time has also flew. We know just
 when the last fly flew, Floe. THERE are some 35,OOO more females
 than males in Philadelphia, and yetsome
 girls marry bow-legged men. To MAKE an American joke, take two-
 thirds profanity, one-third humor and
 mix with imbecility and bad taste. THIs is the season of the year when | venerable hens enter their second child
 hood and are broiled for spring chick ems
 | THE ox-team is, in many localities, the l Dull-work of American industry.
 Sunbeam. And the driver is the steers-
 man, ain't he? | A definition: Bob, what's steam?' | Boiling water" That's right-compare
 it." Positive boil, comparative boiler,
 superlative burst" | THE Boston Journal of Commerce pub
 fishes lot of dyeing recipes: but none
 of them beat the old way of fooling with
 an empty shotgun. A FASHION authority says the latest ca | price is to have ones bedroom uphols- | tery to match ones dresses and china to
 match the bedroom. MADAM CAMPAN: Of all the gifts that
 nature can give us, the faculty of remain | ing silent, or of answering apropos, is | perhaps the most useful. | ALTHOUGH very early this season, it has
 already been discovered that during the
 present winter ice will, as usual, freeze
 with the slippery side up. | WILLIAM HENDRIcKsoN of Long Branch
 owns a vicious dog which recently bit
 Miss Sarah Jeffrey. The girls father has
 commenced suit to recover 5000 dam-
 ages.
 IF you were as willing to be as pleas
 ant and as anxious to please in your own homo a-u..-.a.s TO -i...---1 c .. !, I i.oia.o as you aio m the company of yuur
 neighbors, you would have the happiest
 home in the world. Il SMELL sumfin a-burning," remarked
 an aged negro who sat at a campfire
 toasting his extremities. "Goshr' he
 added, moment later, with a loud yell
 tits dis niggah's own futr' BULwER: Leave your place in the world
 for ten minutes, and when you come back somebody else has taken it, but when you leave the world for good who re- | members that you ever had place even
 in the parish register?
 TIE venerable parson stands up in
 church and decries the follies of this
 world; but if he is bald-headed, it is gen.
 erally noticed that he scrapes the fringe
 of his hair above his ears up over the
 bald spot just as carefully as other men. "Mabers waiting in the gloaming For her lover young and fair, Gently to herself intoning words love, and hope and prayer He Is sitting by table On his face sits grim despair MabePs lover has been going 'Gainst three queens with two small pair'