The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1881-02-01

GlllS JOko OIL Olcc, ana pefempCOrlly
ordered Of waiter a sphinx la
more, monsieur" replied tho gnrcOn.
"Whatp No more sphinx? 2" exclaimed
Merry, feigning asLonishment. The
waiter lowered his voice, and mur-
INJURED in a confidential whisper; eve
have some moro, monsieur; but the
truth Is l should not care toaerVc them
to you, as they are not quite fresh ~
"WILL you be kind enough, Mr..
Gllhooly, to inform me when you arc
going to pay me for those ton dollar
boots ~ asked Galveston shoemaker.
"lt's too far off to guess-too carly
in the campaign"
"But l would like to know, asI need
the money"
ESQ do 1, but since the last election
!'ve quit the prognosticating business.
When it comes to a question of such
national importance as paying for
those boots, am thoroughly unreli-
able; but I'n tell you what I'll do"
"l am willing to take even n small
amount on account"
$50 am |. That's just what l was
going to propose. There Is nothing
that affords me half so much pleasure
as to pay my debts. Now propose to
make a partial payment. You lend me
ten dollars, and l'll make fair divide
and let you have 1lvo dollars on ac-
count"
The shoemaker says there is alto
gcthcr too much fraud in the returns.
New YORK has more fun out OF Its
transit lines than any other city In the
world. On the street railroads high
wayman enters the cars at convenient
Intervals and robs the passengers on
the elevated railroads they let Il man
into the enclosure, and then the train
jumps out and leaves him. lie grabs
the hand-rail and is jerkcd down on
somebody's head below. A man can
ride down town In the street cars anu
be robbed, and go back In the elevated
train and he manned for lite. Thus do
the New York lines combine pleasure
with business.
He was brought before tho Calves
ton Recorder Oh charge OF drunken
ness: "Do you plead guilty or not
guilty?" don't plcad ut all. l deny
everything" "Do you deny having
been up here bcforc?'' | should smile.
Why, Judge, l deny being here right
now. If you catch me giving myself
away, just wake me up and let me
know It,"
Nor long ago an Irishman applied to
an Oversccr in Tyne shipyard to be
put Oh job. He was Informed that
his request could not be complied with
but as Pat continued to gaze ut an
anchor which was lying In the vicinity
tho foreman repeated his reply that
there WAS no work for him and advised
him to go away. "Divil bit will |
stir, sorr, till | see the man that's go
Ing to use that pick -
"WHY my dear old fellow" said
horse jockey'trying to sell Il horse to an
lrishman at the market the other day,
"tbat 'crc hOss has travelled mile In
two minutes and twenty seconds" ~
behave ye, sir" answered the intclll-
gent son OF emerald, "but I'll wager
me ould brogans lie was aboard Il rail-
road train when yc timed him."
WHEN an old backwOOdsman was
about to take hfs first ride in a Missis-
sippi steamer, he was asked whether
he would take deck or cabin passage.
''Wcll," said he, III resigned sort of
way, "l've lived all my life In
cabin, and guess cabin passage will
dc good enough for a rough chap like
me,
MARY JANE wants II recipe for pre-
serving the hair. Certainly. Use
white sugar, "pound for pound," add
enough water to make Il heavy sirup,
add the hair and four ounces oleomur-
garine, boil, strain and put up In glass
or stone jars.
a STRANGER IN Galveston asked an
old resident how malarial fever could
be distinguished from yellow fever.
"As a general thing,' was the reply.
"you can't tell until you have tried it.
II you amt alive, then 1t Is most likely
yellow fever"
"HoU have always Ind the reputation
Of being al honest man. How does IL
happen that You have been guilty of
theft" "lt's the fault Of tho age In
which VIC live. The man who wants
TO omakc an honest living nowadays
can't do 1t unless he stcals.'
He said he was bashful, and b,ushed
painfully, and asked her If she could
| spoil bashful. She said she might do
1t in pinch, and spelled it BASH
t.o-o-l. Then he looked uneasily at
hor and began to wonder If she were
unutterably ignorant or supcrlutivcly
area site.
lNSrECToR-Wha Is lanuscapc
painter? Student-A painter OF land
scapcs. lnspector-G )Od. What Is an
animal painter? SLudcnt-A painter
of animals. Inspector 49, Excellent.
What Is marine painter? Student
A painter of marines. Inspector
Admirable. Go and tell 1t to them.
a lady vents to know why the rail
road companies do not provide special
cars for tobacco chcwers rs well as for
smokers. Bless your innocent heart!
fobacco chcwers are not so particular
rs that. An ordinary passenger car is
good enough for them.
SNOOKs vert home the other night
| aill ctcd with double vision, He sat
| for some time with his sleepy gaze
rivetcd on Mrs. Snooks, and then COM
! placcntly remarked: "Woll, | hone
t'hOllcr # you two gals don't look