The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1881-12-30

A AVuSnA"6 oevAys
Calamity is the name of man who
lives mt the gold camp of Cummins City.
He has another name, but nobody seems
to know what it is. 1t has been torn
off the wrappers someway, and so the
boys call him Calamity. He Is a man OF
singular mind and eccentric construc-
ton. The most noticeable feature
about Calamity is his superstitious dread
of muscular activity. Some people will
not tackle any kind Of business enter
prise on Friday. Calamity is even more
the victim of vague superstition, and has
a dread of beginning work on any day
of the week, for fear that some disaster
should befall him.
Last spring he had little domestic
trouble, and his wife made complaints
that Calamity had worn out an old long
handled shovel on her. trying to con-
vince her about some abstruse theory OF
his. The testimony seemed rather
against Calamity, and the miners told
him that us soon rs they got over the
rush little, and had the leisure, they
would have TO hang him. They hoped
he would take advantage of the hurry of
business and go away, because they did
not want to hang him SO early in the
season. But Calamity did not go away.
He stayed because it was easier to stay
than to go. He did not, OF course, pine
for the notoriety of being the first man
hung in the camp, but rather than pull
up stakes and move away from n place
where there are SO many pleasant associ-
atoms, he concluded to stay and meet
death calmly, in whatever form 1t might
come.
One evening, after the work of the day
was done and the boys had eaten their
suppers, one of them suggested that it
would be a good time to hang Calamity.
So they got things in shape and went
down to the big Laramie bridge. Calam-
ity was with them. They got things all
ready for the exercises to begin, and
then asked the victim if he had any thing
to say.
He loosened the rope around his neck
little with one hand so that he could
speak with more freedom, and holding
his pantaloons with the other, said:
Gentlemen of the convention, call
you to witness that this public demon
stration toward me is entirely unsought
on my part. 1 have never courted no.
toriety. Plugging along in comparative
obscurity is good enough for me. This
is the first time have ever addressed an
audience. That is why 1 am embar-
rassed and Ill at ease. You have brought
ME here to hang me because i. seemed
harsh and severe with my wife. You
have entered the hallowed presence OF
my home-life, and assumed the preroga-
tive OF subverting my household desci-
pline. 1t is well. L do not care to live,
so long as my authority is questioned.
You have already changed my submits
sive wife into an arrogant, selfreliant
woman. Yesterday L told her to go out
and grease the wagon, and she straight
ened up to her full height and told me
to go and grease it myself. | have al
ways been kind and thoughtful to her.
When she had to go up into the guich in
the winter after frewood, my coat
shielded her from the storm, while l sa,
alone in the cabin, through the long
hours. L could name other instances Of
unselfishness on my part, but will not
take your time. She uses my SMOKING
tobacco, and kicks my vertebrse up into
my hat on the most unlocked for occa-
sions. She does not love me any more,
and lie to me is only hollow mockery.
Death, with its wide waste of eternal
calm and its shoreless sea Of rest, is q
glad Eelief TO me. go, but / leave il
your midst skittish and able-bodied
woman, who will make Rome howl.
beqUeath her to ehis camp. She is
yours, gentlemen. She is sgl L have tc
give, but in giving Iher to yen / feel that
my untimely death will always be looked
upon III this gulch as dire calamity.
The day will come when you will look
bach upon this awful highland wish that
was alive again, 6ut it will be too late,
l will be far away. My soul will be in
a lend where domestic infelicity and
cold feet can never enter. Bury me al
theSoot OF Vinegar Hill, where the sage
hen and the zzybumblebee may gam
boil DER my lowly grave"
When Calamity had finished, an i'm.
promptu caucus was held. When it was
adiUrued, Calamity went home to his
cabin to surprise his wife.
She has not yet fully recovered from
her surprise