The weekly Floridian. [volume] (Tallahassee, Fla.) 1867-19??, 1881-03-29
MY wIFE'S RELATIONS.

MY WIFE's RELATIONS.
Broiled spring chicken for tea, eh ?"
said !, sand lobster salad and fried oys-
ters Upon my word, this looks as if we
were going to have company"
So we are, my DEAR" said my wife,
locking little guilty as she polished up
the surface of the big silver tea-tray with
new chamois leather. "They are all to
come to visit me-Uncle Silas, Aunt Me-
licent and the children, and cousin Joab
and the two Miss Wilmerdings, and my
Aunt Louisa, to meet Rev. Mr. Speak
well, from Minnesota, who married my
second cousin, Jerusha Wilde. Mr.. Speak
we'll is troubled with catarrh, and he
thinks of staying at our house few weeks
while he is being treated by DIR. Dosem. -
1put down my linen duster and brown.
paper parcels with some emphasis.
" Oh, confound Rev. Mr. Speakwell," J"
said l.
q" John !" calculated my wife.
" Well, my dear, can't help it," said l..
"It's not in human nature to endure every
thing, and Pve been relationed out of all
patience ever since our marriage. The
Jenk kinses went away last week, the Bird
sails took an affectionate leave, yesterday,
and now, just as l was contemplating a
peaceful evening by ourselves, here's a
new swarm, hungrier than the rest, just
about to settle down upon us. In my
opinion, Kitty my dear, relations should
be abolished"
Il" am surprised at you John" said my
wife. "My own people, who are so fond
of me-"
I" There's where you are mistaken, my
DEAR" said l. "It's your comfortable
spring beds and good cookery they are
fond of, not you"
I" John !"
I'd be willing to wager a good round
sum on the truth of my assertion" said /.
A." Because you have no relations your
self /"
d" Thank Providence for that p said I,
devoutly. 81 was reared in a founding
asylum, and have nobody but myself to
thank for my tolerable success in the
world"
" It's no reason you should find fault
with mine," said Kitty, with her bright
blue eyes full Of tears. "And Mr.. Speak
we'll is such spiritual-minded man, and
dear Uncle Silas loves you just as if you
were his only son, and Cousin Joab is so
interested in our children"
g I'm much obliged to 'em," said dryly.
But slept all last week on sofa cush-
ions laid in the batll-tub and we had
fourteen people here over the anniversa-
ries; and was obliged to give up my
own room for month, last winter, to old
Mr.. Msnswell, not to speak of our being
half poisoned with Amt Louisa's hygiene
messes in the fall. When the poet said,
There's no place like home,' | presume
he meant when there was no relations VS.
itipg rll tell you what my DEAR" with
a sudden inspiration, "Pve great mind
formally to deed this house over to your
relations if they will agree solemnly to
leave me in peace for the rest of my life,
wheresoever l may set up my family
tents" Nonsense" said my wife, "do
go up stairs and change your things, and
brush your hair, and get ready for tea
They're all waiting in the best parlor, and
| was expecting your return to see about
hiring some cot-beds from the village no.
tel, to put up in the attic for these four
little Speakwell children. You see Aunt
Louisa has the blue bedroom, and Cousin
Joab sleeps in the little wing chamber,
and Mr. and Mrs. Speakwell will have our
room, and"
Indeed" said I, " and we are to sleep
in the barn, suppose"
Don't be cross, John," said my wife,
appealingly. Gone must be hospitable,
you know; and l can easily make up the
sofa-bed in the back parlor for our use for
a week or So"
said nothing, but ground my teeth in
silent despair, as l sprang up stairs, two
ste ps at q time, to- make what change |
could in my toilet, by the aid of ten-by-
| twelve glass hung over the wash-stand of
a stuffy little bathroom.
Rev. Mr.. Speakwell was big man with
a still bigger voice, and limpid, faded
little wife, whose sole earthly interests
see med centered on four white-eyed, freck-
led d-face children. Uncle Silas and Aunt
Melicent were silent couple, with excel
lent appetites and two tall boys who gig
| gled and snickered at each other in the
intervals of conversation.
Cousin Joab talked necessarily with his
mouth full, and the two Miss Wilmerdings
served as general echoes to the rest; while
aunt Louisa devoured lobster said ad
li6ftsDs. and kept on sending up her cup
for more green tea, until trembled for her
nerves. While my wife, careful and troub-
led, like Martha of old, with many things,
looked ready to drop with the hospitable
exertions she made, and ], sitting mere
cipher at the head of my table, felt as il
was keeping a clearinghouse without
any of the pecuniary emoluments there.
from.
Ny trunks will be up in the o'clock
train" said Rev. Mr.. Speakwell. "Pll
1 trouble you, Cousin Poyntz, to send an
expressman to the depot for 'em. And il