The Pulaski citizen. [volume] (Pulaski, Tenn.) 1866-current, 1881-05-05
sPooPENDYKEs SPEECH.
Mrs. Spoopenkyke's Success in As
sistinR Genius to its Flight.

Brooklyn Eagle.
Snow, my DEAR" said Mr.. Spoopen-
| dyke. as he drew writing materials to-
wards him, "nOw, / want your wo-
mans witt These fellows insist that 1
must respond to the toast, oman, to-
morrow night, and | must prepare a
few remarks If we both go at it, we'li
get up something NICE"
What do you want" argued Mrs.
| Spoopendyke, entering into the spirit of
the undertaking, and tapping her teeth
with her thimble, "what is woman in
her various phascs2 % 90 tfla
"What J. want is a speech" retorted
MIR. Spoopendyke. e'sThey haven't put
me down for panorama. [ want a
short address, full of good points and
pleasant things about the ladies. Now
[ shall begin: Fellow citizens-'"
"But women ain't fellow citizens. l
should say
s'You'd say, fellow back hair that's
what you'd say. I'm addressing the
people, and they're all men; don't you
see? I've got to commence somewhere,
and then 1 90 on. Now, Fellow citi-
zens: regarding women, our origin,
our companions, our posterity, our
mother, our wife and our daughters,
what more can we say than that they
give us life, make it happy and soo.he
its decline?' How's that?"
sis that the same woman ?" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke bending over table. sit
don't strike me that she would care to
have it put that way. Why not say:
Fellow citizens: we are assem-"
"What's the matter with you?" de-
manded Mr.. SpOopendyke. @I've got
to open with sentiment, and you can't
find anything more graceful than that.
Then L will go on: she rises in the
cradle, reaches her meridian at the altar,
and goes down in flood of dew at the
grave:' Can you grasp all that?"
"I don't like that as well as the other,"
demonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke: "You-
make her mother while she's baby,
and as for the grave part. you don't
stop to think that she may be another
meridian by getting married again. l
would say something like this: Fellow
citizens, we are Assem-"
f'No, won't, either. Who's going to
get married again? Can't you see that
Pm only carrying out the first idea of
origin, companionship and posterity
Rising in the cradle means giving us
birth. Now you hold up. Suppose /
say next: 'We revere her as mother,
admire her as wife, and-and,' say what
do for her as daughter ?"
CIV ell, you might say, we dress her,
and educate her, and keep an eye on
her, nd-and-and--''
"Spank herl Dod gast it, Spank
her. Why don't you spank her y howl
ed Mr.. SpoOpendyke. "Can't you think
of anything poetical? I've got that we
revere our mothers and adore our wives,
and l want something for the daughter.
Can't you originate someting ?"
"'We provide q home for her.
Wouldn't--''
/ssYes, of course raved Mr.. Spoopen-
dyke. "That's the idea, that fixes it.
All you want now is two prolonged
laughter, four 'continued applauses,'
one fenthusiasm,' and voice. to be an
orationl 'Fellow-citizens, we furnish
her with poached eggs and beans Fell
low-citizens, we revere her as a mother,
we adore her as a wife, and as daugh-
ter we change the sheets once week
Fellow-citiz9ns, we pass her the gravyl
FellOw-citizensp =" yelled Dir. Speopen-
dyke, gesticulating like a horse-chest-
nut tree, "sFellow- citizens, if she wants
her beef rare, we give it TO her! Fell
low-citizens, we give her all the
dodgasted butter she can paste on her
bread = Is that what you want me to
say. Expect I'm going to stand around
and make a measley jackass of myself?
'Fellow-citizens, as mother we revere
her! Fellow-citizens. as wife we adore
herl Fellow-citizens, to help a man
get upa speech she's the God slamdest
donkey that ever raised a family
way-h-h," ,"shrieked Mr.. Spoopendyke,
purple in the face, "got any more sug-
gestiOns? Know any more eloquence ?"
and the worthy gentleman leaned back
in his chair speechless-
"Couldn't you leave her out altogeth-
er?" recommended Mrs. Spoopendyke.
Cant you Just revere her as a mother
and adoye her as wife? AS for the
daughter, you might pass it over with
sayings Fellow-citizens, we are as
SEM"
eyes, or can cut her throat" pro-
claimed Mr.. Spoopendyke. 81 can take
her to the poundi / can salt her down
for winter use Dot gast the speech !"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke danced on the
fragments of his notes. Tomorrow
night will answer that toast by telling
what a dod gasted old mule you'd make
OF any man who would listen to you,"
and Mr.. Spoopendyke hanged himself
into bed like beer spigot and went to
sleep.
"Well," thought Mrs. Spoopendyke,
as she took down her hair and put it up
again, 'sI don't see why he couldn't say
'Fellow citizens, We are assembled here
to say something poetical about women,
and the best / can say is, we show her
when we don't always love her, and we
love her when we don't always show it,
That's sensible and its So" sighed Mrs.
Spoopendyke, falling over her husbands
boots, and then the good woman opened
the window on her sponse's side of the
bed, and sticking few pins in the pill
low, in case he should want them in the
night, she went prayerfully to sleep.